Changepower!: 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success

37 Secrets to Habit Change Success Meg Selig New York London

Portia Nelson’s poem, “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters,” from her book There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk © 1993, is reprinted with permission from Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon. Brief quotes from Changing for Good © 1994 by James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, and Carlo C. DiClemente are reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers. Quote from The Color of Water by James McBride © 1996 is used by permission of Riverhead Books, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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© 2010 by Taylor and Francis Group, LLC Routledge is an imprint of Taylor & Francis Group, an Informa business Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 International Standard Book Number: 978-0-415-80066-2 (Paperback) For permission to photocopy or use material electronically from this work, please access www. copyright.com (http://www.copyright.com/) or contact the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc. (CCC), 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400. CCC is a not-for-profit organization that provides licenses and registration for a variety of users. For organizations that have been granted a photocopy license by the CCC, a separate system of payment has been arranged. Trademark Notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. Library of Congress Cataloging‑in‑Publication Data Selig, Meg. Changepower! : 37 secrets to habit change success / Meg Selig. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-415-80066-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Behavior modification. 2. Habit breaking. I. Title. II. Title: Change power. BF637.B4S45 2010 158.1--dc22 2009011030 Visit the Taylor & Francis Web site at http://www.taylorandfrancis.com and the Routledge Web site at http://www.routledgementalhealth.com

Dedication

To Brian Carr, who gave me the pricele s s gif t of faith in myself. To Elizab eth Powell, who gave me the to ols to build this b o ok. To my daughter, Elizab eth S elig, who gave me the strength to ke ep on ke eping on during hard times.

Autobiogr aphy in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

CHAPTER ONE I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless; It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. CHAPTER TWO I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place; But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

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CHAPTER THREE I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. CHAPTER FOUR I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. CHAPTER FIVE I walk down another street.

Contents

Preface

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Section I  Springboard: Change by Choice

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Secret 1 Discover Your Place on the Wheel of Change

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Secret 2 Try the Quick-Change Path

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Secret 3 Detect Your Success Pattern

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Secret 4 Respect the Power of Habit and Addiction

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Secret 5 Know the Key Factor in Habit Change Success

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Section II  The Precontemplation Stage: Open the Door

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Secret 1 View Your Habit With a Compassionate Eye

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Secret 2 Know When True Self-Care Morphs Into False Self-Care

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Secret 3 Reduce Harm

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Secret 4 Decide on Your “Change Point”

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Secret 5 If Your Habit Is Out of Control, Get Help

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Secret 6 Open the Door

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Section III  The Contemplation Stage: Discover Your Motivators 65 Secret 1 Wake Up From Your Habit Trance

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Secret 2 Keep Score

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Secret 3 Welcome the Pain

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Secret 4 Think Big: Spark Your Change With These Eight Great Motivators

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Secret 5 Pump Up Your Motivation

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Secret 6 Change Your Self-Talk

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Secret 7 Dare to Decide

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Section IV  The Preparation Stage: Use Plan Power

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Secret 1 Think Small: Start Your Change With a Gentle Mini-Goal

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Secret 2 Build Your Plan With These 12 Super-Tools

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Secret 3 Back Up Wimpy Willpower With the Right Super-Tools

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Secret 4 Surround Yourself With Support

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Secret 5 Give Yourself a Mental Vaccination

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Secret 6 Make Your Change Plan—and Tweak It as You Go

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Section V  The Action Stage: Now Do It!

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Secret 1 Use the Action Super-Tools on Change Day—and Every Day

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Secret 2 Ride Out the Cravings With These Proven Techniques 161 Secret 3 Speak Up

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Secret 4 Brace Yourself for the Change-Back Squad

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Secret 5 Shape Up a Flabby Plan With These Easy Fixes

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Section VI  Lapse and Relapse: Turn Setbacks Into Success

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Secret 1 Prevent Lapses and Relapses

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Secret 2 Deal With the Dreadful “D Feelings” if You Do Relapse

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Secret 3 Try Again

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Section VII  The Maintenance Stage: Keep On Keeping On

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Secret 1 Keep on Keeping on With Maintenance Super-Tools

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Secret 2 Keep Your Life in Balance

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Secret 3 Climb a Few Rungs on the Happiness Ladder

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Section VIII The Termination Stage: Celebrating and Moving On

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Secret 1 Know Your Final Destination

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Secret 2 Build a Better Life With Habit Change Skills

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Add More Power to Changepower!

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Acknowledgments

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Endnotes

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Select Bibliography

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Index

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About the Author

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A n O ld J o k e—O r Is It ? Question: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. That old joke reflects an important truth: You will only change if you really want to. But what if you really want to change, but you still can’t seem to do it? You’ve tried to quit smoking or cut down on your drinking or lose weight. You know you drive too fast and take too many chances, but you can’t seem to correct yourself. Maybe you decided to start an exercise program—and gave up after two weeks. Maybe you’ve realized that you watch too much TV and are letting more important things slide. Or that you need to stop procrastinating. Tomorrow. When you can’t control your problem habit, it’s not a joking matter. I’ve heard people say things like this: • • • • • •

“I’ve tried to change, but I just don’t have any willpower.” “I just can’t stop myself.” “What’s the matter with me? I ought to be able to do this.” “When I can’t control my habit, I just despise myself.” “It makes me so depressed that I feel like giving up.” “I’m afraid to try and fail again.”

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If you’ve ever tried to change a habit and couldn’t, Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success is for you. Experts now know more than ever about how habit change works. Difficult as habit change can be, the changepower method will give you the tools to get the job done every step of the way. By the end of the book, you will be surprised and pleased to discover that you, not your habit, are in charge of your life once again. W hy I W rote Th is Boo k Knowing how to change a habit is a life-and-death matter for many people, not just a lifestyle choice. It’s unbelievable but true that smoking, obesity, and drinking are the leading causes of all deaths in our society—and these deaths are preventable. Poor health habits contribute to over one third of deaths in our country each year. That’s about 900,000 lives lost to just three destructive habits. I don’t think that all those people who died simply chose to do so. Maybe a few did make that fatal choice. But I suspect that most of them tried to change and found themselves helpless against the power of their habit. I’m haunted by this question: Why do so many people find it next to impossible to change destructive habits, even when they want to? This question became personal for me when my Aunt Eva was diagnosed with lung cancer many years ago. Her surgeon removed one diseased lung, and her doctor counseled her to quit smoking immediately. Although the outlook didn’t seem rosy, I felt cautiously optimistic. My aunt recovered from the surgery and seemed to have returned to her usual self. But after a few weeks, my aunt’s daughter confided that she had found cigarettes hidden around the house—in the laundry hamper, in the basement. Despite the risks, Aunt Eva had continued to smoke— and died from lung cancer several months later. I remember my mixed-up feelings. I was bewildered that anyone would choose cigarettes and death over life, I was furious at my aunt for not kicking the habit, and I was so sad to lose her. (Looking back, I now also feel angry at the tobacco companies for deceiving all of us about the hazards of smoking.) Why would someone with a loving family go down this self-destructive path? It was a question I could not answer, but there was one thing I could do. I quit smoking.

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A few years later, after earning my master’s degree in counseling, I continued to be fascinated with the question of why some people choose to change and others don’t. I didn’t find answers that were satisfying for long. Then I read about three psychologists who were researching this very question. As I delved into their work, I realized that they might supply many of the answers I was seeking. Suddenly the light bulb in my own head lit up. These psychologists, James Prochaska, Carlo DiClemente, and John Norcross, had studied habit change in depth for two decades. But they didn’t focus on why people failed. Instead, they asked the more useful question, “What are the secrets of successful self-changers?” Amazingly, the psychologists discovered that successful changers all changed in the same way—step by step, in predictable stages, over time—not instantly with a snap of the fingers. Moreover, the successful changers all tended to use certain techniques at particular stages. Stages. The word reminded me of the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. I liked the idea that struggling away from the clutches of a bad habit was somewhat like beginning as a crawling creature and then flying free at last. I remembered how relieved I’d felt once I’d finally conquered my smoking habit. But could it really be true that all of us went through the same stages as we changed? I thought back over my own experience of quitting cigarettes. I had always told myself I had “just quit.” But sure enough, my own path to change was exactly the same as the one described by the psychologists. Then I started collecting habit change success stories from other people. Almost every story seemed to follow the same pattern. I was astonished. I asked myself, “Would knowing this path of change help any person who was dissatisfied with a bad habit?” I decided to test out that theory. I created a habit change class at St. Louis Community College based on the same stages you will find in this book. Students came to overcome such habits as the following: • • • • • • • •

Smoking Overeating Lack of exercise Overspending Procrastination Watching too much TV Drinking too much Not speaking up

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• Yelling at the kids • Gambling And many others. I’ve now taught the habit change class for almost a decade. I’ve heard the stories of hundreds of students, from ages 18 to 65, of all colors, races, and religions. Almost every student benefited from knowing the stages of change and took a big step forward during the 10-week class. So I’ve organized Changepower using the stages that were discovered by the habit change researchers. You can follow this “map” to your own habit change destination. Mo re th a n a M a p: A Habit C h a n ge Pro gr am with a Di fferen c e Knowing the stages of change helped my students, at least during the class. But did these changes last? I often ran into my former students. Many students told me they were still doing well. But one day I ran into a student who had stopped biting her nails during the class, and she was biting her nails! Another day I saw a student who had stopped smoking during the class, and she was lighting up! What was wrong? I realized that most people need more than a map of the stages of change. They need to know how to motivate themselves. It’s motivation that fuels people through the stages of change. My students were taking a journey with a good map but without enough gas. So as I taught each stage of change, I began to teach simple motivational secrets that worked at each stage. This was the key! Now my students knew how to inspire themselves to change. You will learn these secrets too, because they headline each chapter of Changepower. Secret by secret, you will strengthen your motivation to reach your change goal. Best of all, you’ll learn that you can wield your changepower to reach other goals, even your dream goals. W h at is “C h a n gep ow er”? Changepower means using a combination of your inner resources (such as your knowledge, motivators, willpower, and healthy selftalk) and your outside resources (such as supportive people, places, and things) to make your change. I’ve coined the word changepower to distinguish it from willpower. Of course, willpower is desirable,

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but it alone cannot usually create effective change, as I explain later. If you use changepower, you will need much less willpower. Changepower also refers to changing in the way that works for you. There’s no single path to habit change that works for everyone. With the 37 secrets in Changepower, you can pick and choose the paving stones for your own one-of-a-kind road to successful change. Just making these choices will give you more changepower. You will also be inspired by the changepower experiences of the hundreds of people I’ve worked with, people just like you who took my class because they were desperate to change a bad habit. You’ll meet many of these people as you read. Their true stories will pump up your own motivation and let you know you are not alone. Ge t ti n g th e Most from C han g epower Before you plunge right into Changepower, take some time to orient yourself. Section 1, Springboard, provides this orientation. You’ll learn the stages of change and possible shortcuts to habit change. Even though you may be eager to get a head start on your habit change, don’t skip the Springboard chapters. They provide essential background information. From the Springboard section, you’ll proceed directly to the stages of change. Sections 2 through 8 will each describe a stage. The chapters within that section (“secrets”) will tell you exactly what to do to navigate that stage successfully and prepare for the next one. An arrow (→) and a boldfaced label at the beginning of each chapter will alert you to the stage that you’re reading about. Try This activities are sprinkled throughout the text to jog your mind and memory or to pump up your habit change muscles. You can buy a journal or notebook to record Try This exercises, or you can just do them in your head. Depending on what will help you the most, do some, all, or none of these activities. It’s your habit change. As you read, you may find yourself wondering, “Where on earth did that idea come from?” Check the Endnotes at the end of the book if you are curious about the research behind some of the statements I make. I’ve built Changepower on solid academic research. Because I’ve interpreted this research through my own mindset, any misinterpretations or other errors are my own. What I say in this book applies to every habit. However, in my stories and examples, I’ve focused on the habits that most people want to change. The “most wanted” habit changes are the following:

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• • • •

Lose weight. Exercise regularly. Stop procrastinating/manage time. Quit smoking.

Other common habits such as overspending, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much, and watching too much TV also get their share of ink. Even if you want to make a different change, you’ll find that you can apply this method to your change. From Stage to Stage a n d Be yo n d Because I’m a habit change “expert,” you may assume that I no longer have any bad habits. In my dreams! You’ll read about some of my personal struggles as you go. But I have found that taking my changes in stages has helped me cope with many challenges that otherwise might have brought me down. Learning about the stages of change and teaching them to others were so inspiring to me that I vowed to write a self-help book based on the stages. You are now holding that book. Although writing a book isn’t exactly like creating a new habit, I found I could transfer habit change skills directly to my book project. Remembering the stages of change helped me maintain my resolve and kept me fired up after depressing setbacks. You may find that you, too, move beyond your original habit change goal to improving other areas of your life or producing your own creative projects. As you read Changepower, may you become “the light bulb that really wants to change” and that knows how to do it!

Changepower (chānj′pou-әr) n. 1. The ability to combine self-change techniques with techniques that rely on other people, places, and things: I tried to lose weight on my own, but I didn’t have enough changepower. 2. Knowledge of the elements of effective change: After reading Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success, I realized how to make my change. 3. The strength or force that comes from choosing one’s own personal changes: Just deciding to change gave me a burst of changepower. 4. The capacity to use both internal and external motivation to exercise self-control: I used changepower to keep myself from pigging out at the buffet. 5. The energy generated by valued personal motivators: My desire to keep my child healthy gave me the changepower to stop smoking. 6. The ability to change a thinking or behavior habit: I finally got up the changepower to start my exercise program. —changepower adj. 1. Of or relating to effective self-change: changepower techniques. 2. Effective or potent. Usage note: Changepower is often confused with willpower. Although there is overlap between these two terms, willpower refers to the ability to control one’s own behavior solely through the use of internal motivation. Changepower refers to combining internal motivation with external motivation in order to achieve a change goal. Changepower includes willpower, but is not limited to it.

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Change by Choice

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

The beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are untidy. ~ John Galsworthy

All beginnings are indeed untidy, so this Springboard section will help you detect order within the chaos. In Secret 1, “Discover Your Place on the Wheel of Change,” you can pinpoint your current stage of change for your target habit change. You’ll then be able to answer the question: “What do I most need to do right now to make headway on my goal?” While changing in stages is the norm for most people, Secrets 2 and 3 will provide possible shortcuts for the quick‑change

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artists among you. Secret 4, “Respect the Power of Habit and Addiction,” will help you decide if you’ve gone over the brink of “bad habit” into the deep well of addiction. Finally, Secret 5 will give you the first essential key to defeating any problem behavior. After reading the background information in Springboard, you may want to continue reading chapter by chapter so that you don’t miss anything. Or, you can skip straight to the section that you need most right now. Whether your path is untidy or orderly, the Springboard section will give you the knowledge you need to start out. And knowledge is power—in this case, changepower. Springboard Secret 1: Discover Your Place on the Wheel of Change. Springboard Secret 2: Try the Quick-Change Path. Springboard Secret 3: Detect your Success Pattern. Springboard Secret 4: Respect the Power of Habit and Addiction. Springboard Secret 5: K now the Key Factor in Habit Change Success.

Springb o ard Se cret

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Discover Your Pl ace on the Wheel of Change

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

A key to successful change is in knowing what stage you are in for the problem at hand. ~ James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, and Carlo C. DiClemente

A Ba d Day W ith Yo u r Habit Smoking until your mouth feels like an ashtray. Drinking too much and throwing up twice at the party. Surfing the Internet until the wee hours, then guiltily falling into bed. Driving too fast and seeing the whirring red light in your rearview mirror. Sinking into the couch to watch TV, realizing you are in the worst physical shape of your life. If you’ve ever had a bad day with your own problem habit, you probably made a snap decision to change there and then. And maybe you did change for a while. But as time went on, you gradually reverted to your old behaviors. Your habit became pleasurable and exciting once more. You forgot 3

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the bad days, and you fell in love with your favorite habit all over again. Until you had another bad day. Then maybe you made a New Year’s resolution. You fantasized that as the clock struck midnight on December 31, you would be transformed. For three weeks, you did manage to outwit your habit. But then you deserted the gym or bummed a cigarette from a friend or had three pieces of the cake that someone brought to work. After a while, you were tempted to give up. Because you hadn’t been able to change, you began to wonder if you ever could change. You began to harbor secret fears that you were just weak. You even told yourself you were hopeless. Would you ever be able to make your change last longer than a few weeks or months? Or were you just doomed to be a slave to your habit forever? Don’t worry if you ever tried to make an instant change in your life and fell back into an old pattern. You can change—not just for the moment, but for a lifetime. Changepower will help you rewrite your habit change story so that you can create your own happy ending. Th e Fi rst Step towa rd Lo n g - Lasti n g C h a n ge The first step toward long-lasting change is to realize that instant, snap-decision change rarely works. In fact, research tells us these hard facts: • Approximately 55% of New Year’s resolutions are broken one month later. • Only 5% to 25% of prospective habit changers make a successful change on the first try. That means 75% to 95% of us flop on our first attempt to change (at least we’re normal!). • About 95% of people who lose weight by dieting will regain it in 1 to 5 years. Changing a habit is not for sissies. But if it’s so hard to change, how do some people overcome their problem habits? The answer is this: in stages. Researchers have demonstrated that most successful self-changers change step by step, in predictable stages, over time. Although a few fortunate individuals can make instant changes under special circumstances (see the next two chapters to find out why and how), most people evolve slowly into their changes. And, like you, they often have setbacks before they overcome their problem habit.

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So, the bad news is that habit change takes more time and effort than you may have hoped. But the good news is that once you know how to progress smoothly from stage to stage, you can join the ranks of successful changers. By the end of this chapter, you’ll have a preview of the stages of change and know exactly which stage you are in for the habit that made you pick up this book. The remaining sections will focus on each stage in detail, revealing the key secrets you’ll use to triumph over your habit challenge. For now, to help you keep the big picture in mind, I’ve organized the stages into a habit change map—the Wheel of Change. Th e Habit C h a n ge M a p: Th e W h eel o f C h a n ge The Wheel of Change is based on studies of successful habit changers— the people I call “habit change heroes.” The idea of focusing on those successful changers was the brainchild of James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, two of the habit change researchers quoted at the beginning of this chapter. As they investigated successful self-changers, these researchers detected general patterns of change—the stages. From there, they discovered what people actually did that worked in each stage. Their results are generally referred to as the stages-of-change model. The stages of change are as follows:

1. Not intending to change: the Precontemplation Stage 2. Thinking about change: the Contemplation Stage 3. Getting ready to change: the Preparation Stage 4. Changing: the Action Stage 5. Backsliding: the Relapse/Lapse Situation 6. Maintaining the change: the Maintenance Stage 7. Celebrating and moving on: the Termination Stage

The stages are represented in Figure 1.1 as a “Wheel of Change.” Adopt this wheel as the map for your habit change journey. Let’s zoom in to take a closer look. As we do, imagine that you have a personal “You Are Here” arrow in your hand. By the end of this chapter, you can decide where to place it. You probably have already changed other habits or behavior patterns successfully. So, as we launch into our thumbnail sketch of the stages, refer back to your personal experience for a reality check. Did you change in stages?

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Lapse or Relapse

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Figure 1.1.  The Wheel of Change.

Th e Stages, i n Bri ef

The Pre contemplation Stage Everyone begins the journey of change not wanting to change. If the idea of this habit change journey is about as appealing as root canal surgery without anesthesia, you are no doubt in the first stage of change—the Precontemplation Stage. The mega-word precontemplation breaks down to “before contemplating,” that is, before even thinking about change. On the habit change map, most of the Precontemplation Stage is located off the Wheel of Change. That’s because at this stage you see no reason to get on board the Wheel. Perhaps you haven’t experienced any major problems as a result of your habit. Or maybe you have had some serious problems, but you consider these difficulties minor hassles compared to the excitement or pleasure of your habit. Early in the Precontemplation Stage, your habit and you are like a couple in the first stages of falling in love. Everything is perfect, so what could go wrong? Plenty, of course. Procrastinating can send your life into a downward spiral. Drinking can morph into an addiction and take control of your life. Over-spending can lead to financial ruin. Overeating and couch-potato living can gradually erode your good health and eventually cause life-threatening problems.

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You would think that once their habits start backstabbing them, Precontemplators would start to change. And some do. But others stay bogged down in the swamp of Precontemplation. Some don’t want to change. Others may deny the need to change. Still others, such as chronic dieters, actually desire to change but have had so little success that they are too discouraged to keep trying. Precontemplators believe that their problem habit helps them enjoy life as well as cope with it, so the thought of change is … well, unthinkable. My student Jenny (I’ve used pseudonyms, altered details, and created a few composite portraits to protect confidentiality) turned to her procrastination habit when she was 13. Until that time, she had been a good student, outstanding in English and social studies classes. However, she had always struggled with math. When she was placed in a pre-algebra class in eighth grade, math homework became agony—long wrestling matches with algebra problems that Jenny eventually lost. Despite her efforts, her math grades sank. Then Jenny discovered procrastination. “Procrastination became a thrill for me,” she wrote. “I loved the fact that I could just do things ‘later.’ The reality of my situation never seemed to strike. Avoiding projects seemed like a dream come true. I knew I was going to have to get things done, but not now, so why worry? Deep down, I was afraid of failure, and procrastination seemed like a lifesaver to me.” Are you in the Precontemplation Stage? Check below. You might be in the Precontemplation Stage if … 99 You love your habit. 99 You can’t imagine how you would cope with stress without your habit. 99 You believe that the costs of your habit are really caused by other people and situations, not the habit itself. 99 You rebel when someone suggests you change. 99 You’ve become an expert at rationalization, creating pseudo-reasons for why you can’t change. 99 You feel stuck with your habit, because you’ve tried to change many times and feel too discouraged to try again. 99 You do not intend to change your habit in the near future.

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If you feel locked in the Precontemplation Stage, freeing yourself is as simple as deciding that you are willing to consider change, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. In Jenny’s case, turning 20 was a watershed event. With adult responsibilities just around the bend, she felt inspired to clean up her procrastination act to increase her chances for college and job success. Once you can open your mind to change, you have accomplished the main task of Precontemplation. Although you’re not ready to take action to change, you are ready to think about it. At this point, you have progressed onto the Wheel of Change. As you reflect more deeply on the advantages and disadvantages of your habit, you pass through the gates of Precontemplation to a new stage—the Contemplation Stage.

The Contemplation Stage In Precontemplation, your relationship with your habit was simple— you loved it! In the Contemplation Stage, you become acutely aware of the painful and problematic side of your habit. Discontent begins to stir. Because of your habit, you’ve had some serious problems—maybe at work, maybe at home, maybe with your health. It’s now clear to you that your habit has a dark side. The love relationship you had with your habit in the Precontemplation Stage turns into a love-hate relationship in Contemplation. In the Contemplation Stage, you are torn by mixed feelings about your habit. On the one hand, you now see that changing would bring you many benefits. On the other, your habit has worked for you—as a stress reducer, a way to enjoy life, or a way to numb pain. You wonder, “How can I possibly give up my beloved habit? But how can I keep going downhill like this? I’m headed for disaster.” The beautiful word contemplation, with its echoes of monks in a monastery, implies that you must look deeply into yourself to find your personal reasons for change. Why change? For pride? For family? For love? You search for answers to the question “What could motivate me to overcome my habit?” Most of the Contemplation section of this book is devoted to helping you find the answer to that key question. Jenny slowly realized that her procrastination did not really free her from worry—it just postponed it. When her procrastination caught up with her, she felt confused, tired, and overwhelmed. “There are days when I just break down and cry because I have so much stuff to

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do,” she wrote. She began to envision how much happier she would be if she could actually get things done on time. She began giving herself small compliments whenever she did accomplish something right away—however small the task. She found her motivators—feeling in control of her life and graduating from college. Check out the “You might be in the Contemplation Stage if  …” box to see if you have reached the Contemplation Stage. You might be in the Contemplation Stage if … 99 You are aware of your habit patterns. 99 You are ready to think about changing but not ready to take dramatic actions. 99 You have mixed feelings about your habit. 99 You find yourself soul-searching about what your habit is doing to you. 99 You have identified your motivators for change.

If you have resolved your mixed feelings and are determined to move forward, you’re done with contemplating. At this point, you begin planning for change. You’ve progressed to the next stage of change—the Preparation Stage.

The Prep aration Stage The key task of the Preparation Stage is to develop a plan for change. This change plan will list the rules you’ve decided to set for yourself. If you’ve resolved to quit smoking, your plan might specify that you cut down by two cigarettes per day and then quit. If you’ve decided to lose weight, you might decide to join a weight loss support group. Jenny devised a simple but effective plan to overcome procrastination. First she bought a planner. Then she decided she would set two goals each day, write them in her planner, and cross them off once she’d accomplished them. When she was tempted to backslide, she would remind herself that something bad always followed her procrastination—late papers, stress, self-criticism. If she happened to lapse, she decided she would immediately get back on track the next day.

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Are you in the Preparation Stage? You might be in the Preparation Stage if … 99 You have developed the basic outline of a plan for change. 99 You have set specific mini-goals for change. 99 You have taken small change steps forward. 99 You feel determined to follow through with your change. 99 You have established a change day—a day to put your plan into effect.

Once you’ve created a change plan and set your start date, you are ready to pass into the Action Stage.

The Action Stage In the Action Stage, you use your change plan to guide your way forward. If you’ve decided to quit smoking, the Action Stage begins with your quit day. If you’re determined to become more fit, the Action Stage begins when you start to walk three times a week. During the Action Stage, your habit may still cast a spell on you. Because your change is newborn, you might decide to avoid the people, places, and things that could trigger your old habit. You might seek out family, friends, or a support group to help counteract the fatal attraction of your seductive habit. The habit change gurus tell us that the Action Stage usually lasts from 3 to 6 months. Though some ads may entice you with the promise of “Change your habit in 21 days or less,” research doesn’t bear out this claim. After all, you’ve had a long-term relationship with your habit. Breaking up is hard to do, as the song says. A funny thing happened on Jenny’s way to curbing her procrastination habit. As she followed through with her plan in the Action Stage, carefully crossing off tasks as she did them, Jenny unexpectedly felt a sense of relief, even euphoria. In the past, her efforts to change had only led to repeated setbacks and disappointment. Now she realized that she wanted to change, she could change, and, in fact, she was changing. After each task completed, she continued to give

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herself inner compliments. Her family began noticing her change and commented on how much happier she seemed. You might be in the Action Stage if … 99 You are actively working on changing your habit. 99 You are following a plan for change. 99 You have established realistic guidelines that make success likely. 99 You are avoiding people, places, and things that might trigger your problem habit. 99 You’ve modified your surroundings at home and work to support your healthy change.

Lapse/Relapse Lapse and relapse, although not strictly a stage, is a common experience during the Action Stage. On the Wheel of Change, lapse and relapse are represented as the inner doughnut (no temptation intended) with arrows going in reverse of your desired direction. The term backsliding is a useful image for lapse and relapse. It’s easy to let your old habit slide back into control, much like a dictator who’s been voted out of office but refuses to leave. A lapse, sometimes called a slip, is a brief return to your old habit. A relapse lasts long enough for your habit to reestablish itself. Many people confuse the two, labeling any mistake a relapse. It’s a great relief to my students to discover that lapses don’t necessarily lead to relapses if caught in time. After a relapse, you literally need to reinvent the Wheel. Ask yourself, “What triggered my relapse? How could I avoid slips in the future? What do I need to do differently?” Answering these questions will help you modify your change plan so that your next attempt at change will be more likely to succeed. A comforting thought: Most people do not slide all the way back to Precontemplation even when they relapse. Rather, most return to Contemplation or Preparation, get themselves together, and try again. Jenny’s key to coping with her slips was attitude. Before, she had reproached herself for failure, adding self-criticism to her burden

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of guilt. Once she knew that change took place in stages, she just reminded herself that change takes time and urged herself to just get back on plan by the next day. She wrote, “I realize that I am not perfect, so if I slip, I intend to just keep working with myself and persisting.” After 3 to 6 months in the Action Stage, most people find that maintaining their new healthy changes is much easier. They move on to the Maintenance Stage.

The M aintenance Stage In the Maintenance Stage, you figure out how to maintain your change for life. This is a challenging task. Your old habit could still sneak back. So you learn to ward off any urges to slip backward by building a new satisfying lifestyle. The Maintenance Stage can last from a year to a lifetime, depending on whether there is still some temptation to give in to your old habit. Many people who have learned to abstain from drinking, smoking, or other powerful addictions insist that they need a lifetime of maintenance activities to stay clean and sober. Healthy eating and exercise are also habits that require a lifetime of maintenance work. You might be in the Maintenance Stage if … 99 You’ve been habit-free for 3 to 6 months. 99 Your new healthy lifestyle supports your change. 99 You’ve learned how to guard against lapses and relapse. 99 You’ve learned to recover quickly from lapses to prevent relapses.

Jenny discovered that organizing herself and completing tasks on time brought sweet rewards. Her grades improved dramatically. A new confidence replaced her old discouraged feelings that had been incubating since middle school. She wrote, “I finally feel I’m going somewhere in my life. I have direction at last. Even if I have an occasional slip, I think I can maintain this new pattern for the foreseeable future.”

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The Termination Stage Jenny ended her habit change journey in the Maintenance Stage, realizing that overcoming her procrastination would be a lifelong struggle. Other people can finish up with their old bad habit for good. For example, some former smokers, myself included, have arrived at a place where nothing—no amount of stress or difficulty—could drive them to pick up a “cancer stick” again. When there is zero temptation to practice your former habit, you have arrived at the Termination Stage. As a student said of her former partying habit, “You can stick a fork in me—I’m done.” You are in the Termination Stage if … 99 You have no temptation whatsoever to practice your habit. 99 You are confident that you will not lapse or relapse.

If you still feel confused after this short preview, just remember that the stages make logical sense. When we change, we often resist at first (Precontemplation). Then we think about it (Contemplation). If we decide to move forward, we begin to plan for the change (Preparation). Soon we take action steps (Action). We overcome lapses and setbacks and persist (Relapse). Once we’ve absorbed the change into our lives, it becomes second nature (Maintenance). Eventually, the old bad habit recedes far into the past (Termination). Sn a p D ecisio n o r Stages o f C h a n ge? You can now see why a snap decision to change a habit often ends with a setback (I refuse to use that horrible f-word, failure). When most people decide to change on impulse, they usually plunge immediately into the Action Stage. Because they’ve neglected the thinking and planning of the Contemplation and Preparation Stages, they haven’t found a powerful motivator to use as fuel, and devised a sensible plan. Still, if these habit changers learn from setbacks and persist, they can change successfully, too. In fact, here is my favorite statistic about habit change success: Anyone who tries to make a habit change and fails is

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twice as likely to succeed in the following six months as someone who hasn’t tried at all. Persistence pays! And isn’t it nice to know that a bad day with your habit can pave the way for your future success? W h at Is Yo u r Stage? Where is your spot on the stages map for your target habit change? One quick way to decide on your stage is to check back to the boxed charts above to see where you stand. Another way is to examine your attitude about change. How much are you willing to do for yourself right now? Look at the “The Stages of Change and Willingness” summary chart to match your current level of willingness to one of the stages. The Stages of Change and Willingness Stage

Willingness

Precontemplation Contemplation

I am not willing to consider change at this point. I am willing to search for key motivators that could inspire and maintain my change. I am willing to devise a solid plan for change. I am willing to put my change plan into effect. I am willing to rethink my strategies, strengthen my plan, and get back on my program. I am willing to maintain my change by revising my lifestyle to strengthen the change. I have no temptation whatsoever to return to my habit. I’m ready to move on to the next challenge.

Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Realizing that most personal change occurs in stages can be comforting when you’re not progressing as fast as you might want. In addition, this knowledge helps counteract the “Just do it” message that pervades our culture and gives us a false idea of the change process. A better and more accurate message is the old saying, “Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” So it is with habit change. In the stages model, it’s progress that counts. As you read and absorb the secrets of the early stages, you may fail to give yourself credit for changing because you haven’t yet reached the Action Stage. But long before you arrive at the Action Stage, you’ve begun your transformation. Just by reading, thinking, and trying the exercises, you are making progress, slowly but surely.

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But not everyone changes in step-by-step fashion. A few people are “quick-change artists,” revolving around the Wheel of Change in a flash or leaping over stages. Although you may not be one of these lucky individuals, there are a few shortcuts to change that anyone can take. In the next chapter, you’ll explore these shortcuts. Try This: D  etermine Your Stage of Change for Your Target Habit You may have pinpointed your stage already. If not, try one of the three ways below:

1. Check back to the boxed lists for each stage. What is your stage of change for your target habit? (Remember, you will be at different stages for different habits.) 2. Use the “The Stages of Change and Willingness” chart to determine what challenge you are willing to take on. 3. Explain the stages to a friend, and ask your friend to help assess the stage you are in for your targeted habit change.

The Author’s Story

“Changing My Mind About Change” I made a vow to quit smoking after my beloved Aunt Eva died of lung cancer. Once I had made up my mind to quit, I stopped instantly. At least that was how I used to tell the story. It was the truth, but not the whole truth. When I began reading about the stages of change, I had a flashback to the entire sequence of events that occurred that year. Yes, I had made a vow to quit. But I had not quit instantly. Here’s what really happened: Aunt Eva’s funeral was in April. At that time I began to cut back on the number of cigarettes I smoked with an eye to quitting during the summer when there would be less stress in my life. I managed to cut down to five cigarettes per day from a pack a day.  

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As summer approached, I made a mental plan. I would be living in Eugene, Oregon, and taking graduate courses in counseling over the summer. A nonsmoking friend was also headed for the West coast, and we agreed to drive together. I decided the first day of our trip would be my Quit Day. I was hoping that the novelty of travel and consideration for my friend would distract me from my craving for cigarettes. When I arrived in Eugene, I checked out two places to live—a house with several smokers and a house with two nonsmokers. To protect my newborn nonsmoking habit, I chose the nonsmoking roommates. By fall, I had begun to enjoy being liberated from my habit. No need for ashtrays and matches, no smelly hands and breath, and no smokeinfused clothing. Despite the fact that I began dating, and later married, a man who smoked, I was not seriously tempted to reengage with smoking. I kept my vow. In retrospect, I can see that at first I only remembered the fact that I had changed, not the process. My aunt’s death jolted me out of Precontemplation and into Contemplation. I began dreaming and scheming about my change. I took mini-steps forward, cutting down step by step. In the Preparation Stage, I devised my plan and set a quit day. I moved into the Action Stage as summer began, and proceeded to Maintenance by fall. Since nothing could ever tempt me to start smoking again, I can safely say I have long since arrived at the Termination Stage for my habit. I now consider myself a poster child for the stages-of-change model!

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Try the Quick-Change Path

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Scrooge on Christmas morning was not merely behaving in some new ways—he was a different person, and that is the experience of many quantum changers. ~ William R. Miller and Janet C’de Baca, Quantum Change

Two T ypes o f C h a n gers Have you ever watched people getting into a swimming pool? Some people dive right in, without even testing the water. Others dip a toe in, then gently splash water on their arms and legs, and finally lower themselves into the pool inch by inch. Habit changers seem to have these two styles of change as well. A few people—the divers—can change their habits in an instant. I call these people quick-change artists. Then there are the gradual changers, taking one deliberate step after another. That’s most of us. These two types are also familiar to you as “the tortoise” and “the hare,” immortalized in Aesop’s fables.

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If you’ve ever experienced “love at first sight,” you’ve had a taste of instant change. Suddenly your whole world is different. New possibilities open up for you. You have a heightened awareness of life. You tingle with a rosy glow. Could you fall in love with a better way of life? Or fall out of love with your bad habit? If so, you might be able to transform your habit in a flash. In this chapter, you’ll see if you can take a shortcut on the road to your habit change. But if speedy change doesn’t pan out for you, don’t worry. The rest of the book will help you change the slow and steady way. W h at Tri g gers I nsta nt C h a n ge? Try This Before you read this segment, think back to a time when you were able to change a habit almost instantly. The “Habit List” in the next chapter will jog your memory. Then see if your experience was similar to the quick changers you will meet below. Karen, a community college student, approached me after I had given a talk about stage-by-stage change. She liked the idea of the stages but confided that she herself had experienced instant change. It happened like this: She had been working at a dead-end job that she hated. One day during her usual smoking break, she took a hard look at her fellow smokers. One had bad teeth, another a hacking cough. “I don’t want to be like these people,” she told herself. She quit smoking and her job that afternoon, found a new job in a few weeks, and had remained smoke-free for six months when I met her. Why was Karen able to leap into such a dramatic life change? I find the answer in the words “When I feel the heat, I see the light.” A politician resorted to that motto to describe why he had changed his position on an issue. But it’s also an apt description of what ignites instant change—heat. The “heat” that triggers sudden change is likely to be a life crisis, a health crisis, spiritual experiences, or personal desperation. Some philosophers might call these situations “existential moments.” They are moments when you have to make a choice between life and death, health and disease, or one life path or another. Look at the following examples:

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• James, a middle-aged African American man, was dangerously obese. Despite the pleas of his wife and children to lose weight for his health, James insisted that he lacked the willpower to change. He joked that he enjoyed “living large” and even bought a T-shirt with that phrase emblazoned on it! Then he had a heart attack. At this point, the James who lacked willpower disappeared and a new determined James took his place. This new James lost weight and got into shape, to the relief and astonishment of his family and his physician. His near-death experience had jolted James into action. • Shortly after her 20th birthday, Kendra discovered she was pregnant. She immediately stopped smoking pot to protect her developing child. She never indulged again. • Loretta, a 45-year-old woman, was informed by her dentist that she could lose her teeth unless she started flossing. The dentist described in graphic detail the gum surgery she would have to endure if she continued to neglect her teeth. Loretta was “scared straight.” She began flossing that very night and has continued to floss faithfully ever since. James, Kendra, and Loretta made miraculous changes after a lifealtering experience. They felt the heat and saw the light. Others may have faced the same sort of crisis but decided not to change. Life may try to tell you something, but not everyone listens. Sometimes people can make an instant change for one habit but need to use the slow-and-steady method for another. Gloria, for example, came to my class to quit smoking. During a discussion of successful habit changes, she shared her experience of quitting drinking after a religious experience. “I realized my body was a temple,” Gloria said, “and I threw the liquor bottles away.” A member of the class asked the logical question: “If you realized your body was a temple, why didn’t you throw the cigarettes away, too?” “I don’t know, I just couldn’t,” she moaned. Even if you can change one part of your life after an “aha” moment, you might need to use the stages method for another part! Fi rst I nspi r atio n, Th en Perspi r atio n Anya, a psychiatrist, told me that she made a vow to overcome her crippling fear of public speaking when she was in medical school. She

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realized that her fear would hold her back from fulfilling her career mission—opening a treatment center for troubled adolescents. To face down her fear and sharpen her skills, she decided to give at least one talk per year. She has implemented this goal for over 15 years—and succeeded in opening the treatment center she had envisioned. Many people are like this persistent psychiatrist. They will have a “moment of truth” that motivates change, yet the change takes place over time rather than instantly. A dramatic example is that of the slave ship captain who wrote the inspiring song “Amazing Grace.” He had a life-changing revelation that slavery was perverted and evil. Yet he continued to run slave voyages for over a year before he finally changed for good. C re ati n g Yo u r I nsta nt C h a n ge You may be wondering, “Most of these changes seem to happen out of the blue. What if I’m not struck by a lightning bolt of inspiration? What if I don’t have an ‘aha’ moment? Could I create instant change for myself without having a life crisis?” It’s true that many experiences that trigger instant change are not within your control. But you might be able to evoke an instant change by forcing yourself to do some serious soul-searching. You may or may not succeed, but it will cost little to try. Just remember that most people will change the slow-and-steady way, so don’t worry if instant change doesn’t work for you. Let’s see if you can create an instant change right now. You’ll use a super-tool of change called emotional connection (you’ll learn more about this and other super-tools later). To use this super-tool, you must allow yourself to stir up your emotions about your change. You will do this by creating a life crisis for yourself in your imagination.

Black Box Warning Emotional connection is a powerful change tool. Doing the activities below could bring hidden feelings to the surface. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; in fact, it may be just what you need. But prepare yourself for strong feelings. If you feel overwhelmed as you do these activities, find an ally—a friend, parent, or therapist.

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Ready? Try one or more of these imaginary scenarios: • Create a mental movie about overcoming your habit. You can create your own script or flesh out this one: You are the hero/ heroine of this film. You are a good person, but you’ve got a bad habit, namely ____, that’s dragging you down. Because of this habit, you get into all kinds of trouble like ____. Finally the incident occurs that inspires you to change: _____. It’s hard to change, and you have a relapse because _____, but you persist. At the end of the film, you celebrate your hardwon victory. • Create a mental movie that is a worst-case scenario of your future life. Imagine what it would be like to “hit bottom,” to go as low as you can go with your problem habit. For example, what would happen if you continued to smoke? Might you someday be sitting in your doctor’s office, stomach churning, as she announces to you, “I’m sorry to have to tell you that you have lung cancer.” Use your imagination and emotions to “scare yourself straight.” • Provoke an identity crisis. Like Karen, ask yourself if your habit is turning you into someone whom you cannot respect or like. Visualize yourself becoming this alien creature, and feel your distress at morphing into such a person. Reclaim your identity through a habit change. • Get in touch with your core values, whether health, family, or self-respect. Now allow yourself to feel how far your habit has taken you from those values. Let the emotional pain of that distance between your ideal self and your present self tip you into the decision to change. • Read a book or see a film about your habit, and let it ignite your change. How did you do? Maybe you inspired yourself to begin a change today. But even if you couldn’t conjure up an instant change, you may find that your motivation for change has zoomed up a few notches. That difference alone could boost your spirits and give you the confidence that you can change. There is one other way to be a quick-change artist for your habit. This method is fun because it builds on your past positive experiences and successes at change. For the details, see the next secret.

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Maria’s Story

“The Day I Stopped My Destructive Drinking” When I was in my mid-20s, I made a monumental change in my life: I stopped my destructive drinking pattern cold turkey. I am still trying to figure out how I did this. I remember vividly the day I quit my destructive drinking for good. I had a hair appointment in the afternoon, and, as usual, I had been drinking since the early morning hours. I drove to my appointment thinking that there was no way anyone could detect my drinking. While the hairdresser was cutting my hair, I became violently ill and vomited all over the floor. I was so dizzy I could hardly stand up. The hairdresser called my husband, who drove over to get me. I could not have driven myself home. This event was extremely humiliating for me. This was the defining moment: I had to admit that I had a problem. It no longer involved just my husband and me. Others now knew the extent of my drinking. After calling several rehab facilities and interviewing at one, I decided I could lick this problem by attending AA meetings. The truth was that I was terrified to enter treatment and be labeled as having a “problem.” So I tried Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I attended about three meetings. There were some tough-looking characters in there, people who had hit hard bottoms. I was young, and I felt vulnerable. So I just decided to quit drinking on my own. I limped through my first few weeks, hanging on by a thread. My husband was some help, yet he was dealing with his own anger at the years of drinking and damage I had done, so I was truly on my own in many ways. A turning point came when we went away for a weekend of fun with our usual drinking crowd, only now I was a sober member. I remember vividly the moment of choice I faced once my friends had popped open a few beers: I could drink one beer and take the road I had been traveling that was so familiar and “safe.” Or, I could not drink, and choose the “road less traveled” that was so scary and uncertain.

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I don’t know what made me choose the road less traveled, but I did. Perhaps the realization that I had a choice, and the small empowerment it gave me, solidified a deep commitment inside of me for abstinence. I have never had another drink in the 16 years since this choice was presented to me.

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Detect Your Success Pat tern

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

To change one’s life, start immediately, do it flamboyantly, no exceptions. ~ William James

Patricia’s U n i q u e Su cc ess Pat tern Even when Patricia decided to quit smoking, she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of her old buddies, her cartons of cigarettes. Although she was determined to stop, the very thought of giving or throwing away her stash made her feel anxious. So she took her last five cartons and stuffed them in the back of her freezer. Now temptation was far enough away to be weakened, but close enough for reassurance. As the months passed, and Patricia felt more and more confident about her ability to quit, she began giving her cartons away, one by one. After a year, she celebrated her smoke-free life by donating the very last carton to a friend. Stashing cigarettes in the freezer might have caused some people to lapse. Most people clear their environment of all smoking paraphernalia when they quit. But this odd method worked for Patricia. 24

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Time passed. Patricia lost her job when her company outsourced her department. Undaunted, she returned to the community college to obtain a nursing degree. As her biology and chemistry classes became more difficult, she realized that she had to boost her devil-may-care study habits of the past to a higher level. Unfortunately, this realization did not motivate her to change. She had picked up the habit of relaxing and watching TV in the evenings and couldn’t seem to budge on her studies. Patricia signed up for my class on habit change to see if group support could help. In the second session, we began discussing past habit change successes, and Patricia had a light-bulb moment. She remembered her past success with quitting smoking and decided to adapt this technique to her new goal of powering up her study habits. Patricia set up a study table in her TV room, but arranged her chair so that she had to turn to the side to watch TV. She turned the TV on, but kept the sound down to a pleasant drone. And then she studied, mostly keeping the focus on her books, but occasionally glancing at the TV set. Her grades rose, and she earned a GPA of 3.7 out of 4.0 that semester—her personal best. The story of Patricia illustrates how detecting your past success pattern and using it on your target habit can speed up the process of change. The following activity was the one that shifted Patricia into rapid change. It may help you become a quick-change artist for your target habit as well. D e tec ti n g Yo u r Perso n a l Su cc ess Pat tern Start like this: Think back to a habit you successfully changed. Maybe you already thought of this habit when you read about the stages of change. But if nothing comes to mind, check out the “Habit List.” Habit List Habits to Break?

Habits to Make?

Excess drinking Smoking Gambling Excess TV or video games Overeating Too much junk food

Exercise program Broadening your network of friends Increasing time devoted to studying Career exploration Finding a “significant other” Spending quality time with family (continued)

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Habit List (continued) Habits to Break?

Habits to Make?

Fast food dependence Too much Internet time Illegal drugs Overuse of prescription drugs Sex without using protection Sex without love Sex too soon in relationship Overspending/credit card debt Not speaking up for yourself Anger problems Constantly criticizing yourself Procrastination Criticizing others Whining/complaining Doing too much for others Doing too little for others Eating fast food too often Getting too little sleep Not using sunscreen Not apologizing Driving without a seatbelt Overworking Sleeping too much _____________________ _____________________

Increasing fresh fruits and veggies in diet Healthy eating program Pursuing a creative project Being assertive/standing up for rights Treating others respectfully Friendship before sex New hobby Reorganizing room, study area, or __________ School notebooks Using sunscreen Using condoms Taking the stairs Drinking 6 to 8 glasses water/day Saving money each month Doing more for others Interesting volunteer work Daily time for self Getting 7 to 9 hours sleep per night Spending more time in nature Praying or meditating daily Flossing Apologizing when wrong Fastening seatbelt ________________________ ________________________

Once you’ve found the habit you’ve successfully changed or altered, your next step is to think more deeply about how you did it. What motivated you to initiate this change? Did you go through the stages? If so, what did you do at each stage to progress forward? Did you have a lapse or relapse? How did you overcome it and get back on track? As you mentally replay your past success, you may be able to detect the vague outline of your personal success pattern. Think of this success pattern as a rough blueprint that may guide you to repeating the successful experience in a new situation. Patricia, for

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example, realized that she could change with ease when she kept her old habit friends around but pushed them far into the background. (Note: This technique could be dangerous with addictions such as alcohol or drugs. If you have an addiction, experts recommend clearing your surroundings of anything related to it.) To jog your memory about the details of your change, consider each of the following elements of change that you might have utilized: • My strongest motivator for change was _________________. • Techniques that worked for me were ___________________. • I got support from these people: ____________________ and ______________. • When times got hard, I would encourage myself by thinking this: ___________. • Instead of my old habit, I substituted this: _______________. • I rewarded myself for changing by ____________________. • Another key to my success was ______________________. As you visualize the details of your earlier change, ask yourself, “How could I transfer my success pattern to my current habit change goal?” Make a plan based on what worked before, and see how it goes. You may find that changing is easier now, because you’ve brought to mind your own best change resources. Zap! Instant change. W h en Yo u C a n ’ t Rem ember a Su cc essfu l C h a n ge If you can’t think of a habit you successfully changed, think about the time you made the most progress. Analyze this progress just as you would analyze a successful change. Then apply that pattern to your current change. This is what my student Carla did. Carla was the poster child for yo-yo dieting. She had gained and lost the same 50 pounds at least eight times using eight different diet and exercise methods. No diet expert knew more than Carla about the merits and difficulties of each of these methods. Yet she still hadn’t been able to keep the weight off once she’d lost it. When Carla reviewed each of these eight stabs at permanent weight loss, she realized she’d done the best for longest when she’d attended a weekly support group. She returned to that group with renewed determination to stick it out for life if necessary. Slowly but surely, she lost the weight. When last I saw her, she had maintained a 10-pound weight

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loss for over a year—enough to reduce her blood pressure to lower risk levels. You can use this same technique if you’ve successfully changed a habit and then relapsed. Ask yourself what you were doing when you were most successful. Then do it again! I f Yo u C a n ’ t Le a p, Wa lk! I hope that finding your success pattern will help you leap stages or cycle through them more rapidly. If detecting your success pattern works for you, congratulations! Save this book for your next habit change goal. But if reviewing your past successes did not help with your current goal, don’t worry. It’s not always possible to use your past successes and strengths to change when circumstances are different. Or, your target habit may not lend itself to your success pattern. You may be like Gloria, the woman who found the strength to quit drinking after a conversion experience, but who was stymied in her efforts to quit smoking even though she had “found God” and realized “my body was a temple.” Maybe you’ve found key elements that contributed to your previous successful change but aren’t sure how to use these elements now. Keep these keys in hand; they will open doors for you later. Just remembering your previous success may itself provide you with some energy and motivation for change. This energy and motivation will help you face down the power of habit—and it is to this “force of habit” that we now turn.

Try This: Detect Your Success Pattern Use this summary of the suggestions above to help you detect your success pattern: Step 1. Think back to a habit you’ve already successfully changed. Step 2. Think about how you changed that habit. What worked? Step 2 (alternative). If you can’t think of a successful change, think about the time you did best. What did you do that helped you?

D e t e c t Y o u r S u cc e ss P a t t e r n

Step 3. Write down the key elements of your success pattern. Step 4. Consider how you would apply those key elements to your current habit change goal. Step 5. Make a plan for change, and give that plan a try! If it doesn’t work, use the process outlined in the rest of this book.

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Respect the Power of Habit and Addiction

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

A habit is something you can do without thinking—which is why most of us have so many of them. ~ Frank A. Clark

Th e Mysterio us Pow er o f Habit Imagine that you need to pick up some milk at the supermarket instead of driving straight home from work. You get into the car and remind yourself, “Don’t forget the milk.” But as you drive, you switch to automatic pilot mode. You review the incidents of the day, think about the weekend, and wonder what your colleague meant when she made a remark that might have been a put-down. The next thing you know, you have magically arrived at your doorstep. Without milk. Congratulations. You have just become a victim of the power of habit. If you have ever tried to alter even a “simple” habit, like the way you drive home from work, you know how hard it can be. Even when you want to remember the milk, you tend to revert to your typical pattern. 30

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Try This: Finish This Sentence “A time I realized I was on ‘automatic pilot’ with my habit was when I __________________________________________.” In this chapter, you’ll discover why habits are so powerful. But, lest you feel discouraged, know that the next chapter will reveal how you can unlock the prison of habit with just one simple key. So u rc es o f Habit Pow er What explains the mysterious power of habit? Various streams feed into the rolling river of habit, including the following: • Nature: Brain chemistry and genes • Nurture: Cultural messages, social conditions, and upbringing • Emotional needs Natu re: Br ai n c h emistry a n d gen es Don’t know much about brain chemistry? Me neither. Fortunately, there’s just one major thing you need to know about brain chemistry to understand the power of habit, and it’s this: “Neurons that fire together wire together.” What does that mean? Each time you repeat an action, your brain assigns more neurons to that activity, and the connections between these selected groups of neurons— neuronal circuits—grow stronger. Think of them as a sports team. Just as a sports team performs better after repeated practice, so certain brain circuits grow stronger after repeated activities like habits. After enough practice, your neurons can perform your habit actions without you—that is, without your conscious mind. It’s not surprising that you sometimes experience your habit as an alien force controlling your actions! Later you’ll discover how to unwire and break up this controlling brain gang. Everything You Need to Know About Brain Chemistry to Understand Habit Power: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

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Genes also play a role in your habit drama. If you have a problem with a hurtful habit, such as overeating or smoking, chances are that someone in your family has, or has had, a problem with it, too. Genes can tilt you toward certain behaviors. For example, genes can determine how you metabolize alcohol or other substances. N u rtu re: Cu ltu r a l m essages, socia l co n d itio ns, a n d u pbri n g i n g A recent TV ad for a credit card proclaimed, “I want it all and I want it now.” This ad perfectly sums up two powerful but deadly messages of our consumer culture—“More is better” and “Instant gratification is better.” If we actually followed the “More is better” message, we would binge on food, pickle ourselves in alcohol, and spend ourselves into the depths of debt. The “I want it now” message encourages us to live impulsively, without considering the effects of our actions on our health, on others, or on our environment. In the Alice-in-Wonderland advertising world of “Eat me” and “Drink me,” there’s no problem that can’t be solved by buying and consuming. These ads slowly but surely rob us of our good judgment. Your neighborhood may also influence your choices. It’s harder to change a habit when you live in a place that is unsafe, provides few places for recreation, and where grocery stores and supermarkets offer limited and mostly unhealthy food choices. If crime is rampant in your neighborhood, you’ll stay inside rather than walk or jog, and that’s sensible. If your neighborhood lacks a supermarket with an enticing selection of fruits and vegetables, you may be forced to shop at a convenience store that stocks only unhealthy snack foods. Your upbringing plays a huge role in determining how much power habit has over you. Your parents and relatives are your earliest role models. If they drink to excess, smoke, or overeat, you are more likely to do the same. You want to imitate people you depend on and you want to fit in. Your bad habit may even be a way to bond with your family. And if your home environment is a source of emotional pain, you may decide to take up bad habits as a way of coping with that pain. Emotio n a l N eeds Habits also gain strength from serving our emotional needs. Our habits seem to help us when things go wrong—at least for that

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moment—because they help us manage the ebb and flow of our moods and feelings. We use habits to cope with emotional distress—to lift our moods, manage stress, gain acceptance, find pleasure, numb pain, and stay in control. In other words, we use habits as a way to take care of ourselves. And it’s difficult to give up something that’s been taking care of you. Because your habit did help you get through difficult times, you have to give that problem habit some respect. It worked. Until it didn’t. In the next section, you’ll decide whether your problem habit is still worth its salt. All these factors act as ropes to keep us tied down to our habits. No wonder changing a habit sometimes seems as hard as defying gravity! Goo d Habit, Ba d Habit, o r A d d ic tio n? Despite everything I’ve just said, you can solve your habit puzzle. Even in the definition of habit, you’ll hear some optimistic notes. Let’s start with the classic qualities of habit: • • • •

A learned behavior or thought pattern Something that gets easier to do the more you do it Something you can do automatically, virtually without thinking Hard to break

Putting this all together, we have the following definition of habit: A habit is a learned behavior or thinking pattern that has become so ingrained through repetition that you can do it without conscious thought. The idea that your habit is a learned behavior offers hope. What you have learned, you can unlearn. The idea that you “habit” in a semiconscious trance also contains a clue to transforming your habit. What is only partly conscious, you can make fully conscious. You’ll see later how awareness provides you with a simple yet powerful tool for change (Contemplation Secret 1). Good habits, like bad habits, are automatic, learned behaviors. But in the case of good habits, the automatic pilot mode serves you well. Brushing your teeth twice a day is a good example. This “no-brainer”

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protects your teeth, not to mention your breath. I doubt if you could leave the house without brushing. It’s nice to know that eventually your new good habit will blend into your daily routine with minimal effort on your part. Traced back to its roots, habit comes from the Latin word habere, meaning “to have.” This revealing fact can remind you that a habit is something you have, but is not something you are. You can choose to kick out a bad habit that inhabits your brainspace and replace it with a better tenant. A note on labels: In this book, the terms bad habit and problem behavior will be used synonymously. Habit will sometimes be used as shorthand for your self-defined “bad habit.”

W h en a Ba d Habit Becom es a n A d d ic tio n When does a bad habit turn into an addiction? Try This: Finish This Sentence “I think the difference between a bad habit and an addiction is _______________________________________________.” Most experts view addiction as a chronic, relapsing brain disease that can be successfully treated—the “disease model” of addiction. This is the view of the National Institute on Drug Abuse and countless addiction specialists. Other experts, however, view addiction as simply “an extreme form of habit” rather than a disease. But interestingly, both camps agree that people with addictions possess these qualities: • Loss of control over the substance or behavior • Continuing with the substance or behavior despite severe negative consequences or costs, even loss of life • A sense of compulsion from cravings that the individual must have this substance or activity • Becoming so consumed by the addiction that other valued parts of life—work, family, and hobbies—are given up

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For memory purposes, think of these four Cs of addiction: loss of control, costs/consequences, compulsion, and being consumed by the addiction. To this collection of Cs, add one T: tolerance. People with addictions tend to require more and more of a substance or activity to get the desired effect. Putting this all together, a good working definition of addiction would be as follows: Addiction: A state in which a person cannot seem to control his or her use of a substance (such as alcohol) or a behavior (such as gambling) despite painful or even life-threatening consequences to health, work, relationships, and/or self-esteem. The situation is confusing, however. For some people, alcohol and/or drugs are an occasional pleasure, for others a bad habit, and for still others, an addiction. As brain scientist Richard Restak pointed out, “One person’s bad habit is another person’s death sentence.” This comment is especially poignant when we realize that the roots of the word addiction actually come from the Latin for “to sentence.” You have to decide if you can work out a “safe, healthy, and pleasurable relationship” with substances such as alcohol, caffeine, and prescription drugs or with activities such as gambling and sex. If you can’t, maybe you have an addictive relationship with your habit. You may then need to set a goal to abstain entirely from your self-destructive addiction. Be aware that a behavior can be dangerous even when it is not an addiction. In certain situations such as fraternity hazing, for example, a moderate drinker might be pressured into binge drinking. Binge drinking can lead to death when a person consumes so much alcohol so rapidly that the respiratory centers of the brain shut down. Studies show that about 1,700 college students die each year from alcohol poisoning, alcohol-fueled traffic deaths, and unintended accidents after drinking such as falls. It is shocking that over 1 million college students suffer alcohol-related injuries and assaults each year, and that alcohol-related problems are even higher among non–college students. And then there’s this insidious problem: Binge drinking and excessive alcohol use harm the developing brains of adolescents and young adults. Brain scientists now know that our brains do not fully develop

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until our mid-20s. It’s a shame that some people shrug off youthful binging as normal experimenting when it can do permanent damage to young brains. A d d ic tio n, Ba d Habit, a n d I d entit y Every year over 900,000 Americans die from the consequences of obesity, smoking, and drinking. At the beginning of this book, I asked the question, “Why can’t some people change harmful habits and addictions even when they want to?” I believe that addictions and bad habits can strangle our true identity, like vines that entwine around trees and feed on them. Vines seem harmless, but they can smother and even bring down a strong, healthy tree. When some people think of themselves only as “smokers,” “drinkers,” or “overeaters,” they forget important parts of themselves. As the addictive part takes over, an addict loses the other parts of his or her identity—spouse, family member, friend, worker. If you have an addiction, you may not be able to benefit from this book until you’ve gained control again. To regain control, you may need help from others. Read “Precontemplation Secret 5: If Your Habit Is Stronger Than You Are, Seek Help” for ideas about finding the best support. Overcomi n g th e Pow er o f Habit Now you know why you’ve had so much trouble changing your habit. It’s good to know what you’re up against so you can be realistic about what it will take to change effectively. But with all this information about the power of habit, you may wonder if you are just too weak to change. Not at all! Changepower! will provide a program for strengthening your motivation every step of the way. In fact, by the end of the next chapter, you’ll have the first key to habit change success firmly in your hand.

Springb o ard Se cret

5

Know the Key Factor in Habit Change Success

⇒⇒Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Th e K e y to Su cc ess This chapter will reveal the one key that absolutely, positively guarantees success or failure with your change. The following one-question test will give you the answer. Finish the following sentence with one of the four choices below: “I believe that the determining factor in whether I successfully change my habit is ______.” ___ 1. “My genes” ___ 2. “My environment” ___ 3. “A combination of my genes and environment” ___ 4. “Something else: ______________________”

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There is a long-standing debate over which is more important in shaping human life—“nature” or “nurture.” If you checked “My genes,” you are on the “nature” side of this debate. Genetic inheritance is a powerful factor. Every other day, there is a news story about how one of our genes influences habits like drinking, overeating, gambling, and just about any behavior. But the key word is “influence.” Although they certainly play a role, your genes are not the key factor in your habit change success. Maybe you marked choice 2, “My environment.” In this case, you have taken your stand on the nurture side of the debate. Nurture refers to how we were raised by our family and the values and beliefs we absorbed from the larger society. In fact, every other day, you will see a news story about how your upbringing can influence your habits. For example, children may unconsciously imitate their parents’ eating habits or absorb their attitudes about drinking. So your family and cultural background will definitely influence your habit change. But environment is not the critical factor in the success of your change. Maybe you marked choice 3, “A combination of my genes and environment.” Here you decided the odds would be in your favor if you included both factors in your answer, right? And it just sounds like the sensible answer. It’s true that scientists now know that genes and environment operate together. Your environment determines whether and how certain genes are turned off and on. But again, genes and environment together can only influence whether your habit change will be successful. If you decided that the determining factor in habit change was something else, what was that key factor, in your opinion? Try This: Finish This Sentence “I think the key factor in successful habit change is _________.” Some people believe that “luck” is the key factor in a successful habit change. Yes, dumb luck does play a role in this and any other human activity. But like genes, environment, and the two combined, luck is outside of your control. You either get lucky or you don’t. It’s not the key factor. I’ll tell you what I think. I think the determining factor in habit change success is choice 4, “Something else.” And the “something else” is this: Your decision to make the effort to change.

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Your voluntary decision to make an active effort to change is the key factor in habit change success. This statement may seem so elementary. But effective change can take place only when you decide you really want to change (remember the light bulb?) and are willing to work to bring it about. Change happens when you overcome your passive acceptance of your harmful habit and make the active choice to change for your own benefit. It’s true that genes and environment will make your change easier or harder. And knowing the limits of your power is useful, because it will help you be kinder with yourself when you’re on the roller coaster of change or when you face hard situations. If your habit goal is “to find a job” and your country is in the middle of a depression, your window of choice may be pushed down a few inches. That window may also be smaller if you’ve experienced a difficult early childhood, mental illness, or a crisis in your family. In these cases, you may sometimes have to exercise your acceptance power rather than your changepower. Still, you are in charge, especially when it comes to personal habits like quitting smoking or eating better. Jesse Jackson summed it up well: “You are not responsible for being down, but you are responsible for getting up.” And during good times, the window of choice may get pushed up even higher and let in more opportunity and light. Knowing you have a choice is a fundamental part of changepower. Think of yourself as the CEO (chief executive officer) of your own habit change. Here are three ways you are in charge: • You can decide to change or not change. • You can decide your own pace of change. • You can decide how to direct your own change—which techniques of change to use, how much help you want from other people, and whether to get professional help, to name a few options. You are the CEO even if you use a treatment program, a class, or a support group to help you change. No one can be your watchdog, monitoring you 24/7. If you haven’t decided to change, you won’t. No one can really make you change either. True, if you end up in the hospital, in jail, on probation, or in treatment, you might be forced to stop your habit behaviors for a while. But if you haven’t truly made the decision to change, you will relapse the instant you are on your own again. Nothing can work unless you decide you want it to.

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Yes, habit is strong. And each time you practice your habit, it becomes stronger and more automatic. But ultimately, you are the one who gives your habit its energy and power. You make a choice each time you take up your habit, and you can change that choice. You can redecide whether you want to keep your habit in your life. Are you ready to change by choice? Even if you’re not sure, the next two sections of Changepower—Precontemplation and Contemplation—will help you move on. Try This: Choose Your Change Finish this sentence: “I am freely choosing to change my habit of ____________________.” Double-check to be sure your change is something you really want for yourself and that it won’t hurt you or others.

Sectio n

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The Precontemplation Stage Open the Door

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. ~ St. Augustine

“Back off! I have no desire to change my habit.” “So I like to smoke. I’m an adult, and it’s my choice.” Every habit change success story begins with a person who doesn’t intend to change. If you are that person right now, you are in the Precontemplation Stage of change. “Why bother continuing to read if I’m not ready to change?”

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Because you may be ready to change in the future. Because there may already be a small, dissatisfied part of you that wants to explore a better way. Because you love your habit but it’s also making you miserable. If any of these reasons ring true for you, you’ll find this section helps you get your foot in the door of change. If you’re worried that I am about to nag, attack, or criticize you for not being willing to change, fear not! In fact, I encourage you to be compassionate toward the “younger you” who chose your habit. After all, you were trying to cope with life as best you could. Even if you are further along in your journey of change, you may find that the first Precontemplation secret, “View Your Habit With a Compassionate Eye,” can help you stop being so harsh with yourself. People who have sympathy with themselves can be more patient with the ups and downs of changing. After you’ve time-traveled back into your past to revisit that younger you, you may want to reconsider whether your habit is still doing those great things for you that it used to do. The chapter “Know When True Self-Care Morphs Into False Self-Care” will help you look at your habit in a new light. Even if you still don’t want to change, the remaining chapters in this section will help you keep your habit in check. You can follow a plan to decide for yourself when you might need to change. You can decide how to reduce the harm of your habit. And if you realize you need more help than this book can offer, you can refer to the chapter “If Your Habit Is Out of Control, Get Help.” Remember, to make it through this stage successfully, you just need to tell yourself, “I’ll think about changing my habit.” You do not need to decide to change yet; you simply need to consider change. Simple, isn’t it? If you are just willing to think about changing, even if you have mixed feelings about it, you have arrived at the gateway to the Contemplation Stage. To help you progress through Precontemplation and arrive at the Contemplation Stage, the following secrets will be revealed: Precontemplation Secret 1: View your habit with a compassionate eye. Precontemplation Secret 2: Know when true self-care morphs into false self-care. Precontemplation Secret 3: Reduce harm. Precontemplation Secret 4: Define your “change point.” Precontemplation Secret 5: If your habit is out of control, get help. Precontemplation Secret 6: Open the door.

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View Your Habit With a Compassionate Eye

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

At one of these [desks,] a lonely boy was reading near a feeble fire; and Scrooge sat down upon a form, and wept to see his poor forgotten self as he had used to be. ~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

M aya’s “A h a” Mom ent Sometimes Maya wondered if she’d ever really been young. Throughout high school, she took care of her three small sisters every afternoon and evening after school while her mother worked second shift. She took pride in caring for her sisters, but she resented having so little time for herself. Occasionally she became so frustrated with managing three headstrong children that she would lock herself in the bathroom just to escape. At other times she plopped the three little girls in front of the TV and retreated to her bedroom.

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As an adult, Maya devoted herself to her two children, her husband, a full-time job, and volunteer work for her church. After her children left the nest, she enrolled in college on a part-time basis to reach a long-cherished goal—a degree in social work. Oddly, Maya found that she gave her homework only her half-hearted attention. Instead of studying, she escaped to the bedroom and took a nap or listened to music. But her guilt over her undone work dogged her. “Why can’t I just do it?” she would ask herself. It was as if she was still hiding from something—but from what? Maya eventually had an “aha” moment by recalling the struggles of her early years. Young Maya had locked herself in the bathroom or bedroom, stealing a few moments of peace and sanity for herself. She was still acting as if she needed to escape. But escaping now kept the adult Maya from pursuing her goal. She wrote, “I was hoarding my time as if someone were still going to take it from me. Disguised as procrastination, my past was still holding me hostage.” Once Maya realized that this old pattern was fencing her in, she broke through it and dove enthusiastically into her studies. She now has a two-year degree in social work and is ready to earn her BSW, the next step on her way to a master’s degree. “I’m good at taking care of people. Now I intend to get paid for my skills,” she told me with an impish grin. Problem habits begin in many ways and for many reasons. Like Maya, your habit worked for you at one time. Or maybe you adopted your bad habit for one of these reasons: • You were not aware of other possibilities or other resources. • You felt so hopeless or helpless that you forgot about better options. • You felt angry about some injustice in your life, but you didn’t know how to handle it, so you took it out on yourself. • You were anxious about a life challenge. • You had a discouraging setback in your life, such as losing a job. • Your habit started as a simple pleasure and got out of control later. • You were in a painful situation, and your habit helped you escape. A person who takes up a harmful habit is often a discouraged person. Think back to the “younger you,” your past self that needed your habit. How did your habit begin? How did it help you cope?

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Try this Close your eyes and recall your past self at the age when you took up your habit. What did you look and sound like? Spend a few moments watching yourself. Then tune into the feelings of that younger you. What concerned you? What issues were you facing? How did your habit help you cope? Yo u Tr i ed To Ta k e C a re o f Yo u rself W ith Yo u r Habit You made your habit an important part of your life because you thought it would help take care of you. Why is it important to remember this? If you can remember the problems you faced when you chose your habit, you will be more likely to feel compassion for yourself. No, those earlier challenges are no excuse for bad behaviors. But you can acknowledge those past hurts and pains without letting them control your future. Just realize that your past self was doing the best she or he could at the time. In the card game of life, some people get dealt a bad hand. A trauma such as rape, abuse, or neglect, or a divorce or death in the family, may cause some people to turn to habits and addictions to dull the pain. (If this is true of you, consider seeing a therapist for support as you work on your habit.) But there doesn’t need to be a dramatic or disastrous event in your life for you to grasp onto a problem habit for support. Even the normal challenges of finding friends and love partners and choosing the right job or career can feel overwhelming. Anxiety about who you are, what you want, and where you are going in life are issues that plague everyone. Looking back, I now see that my decision to start smoking in college was partly a way to cloud over my anxiety about my future. Th e Uses o f Com passio n Have you ever noticed that sometimes the person most critical of you is you? Here are typical comments I’ve heard from my students about habit change: • “I hate myself for being so weak.” • “Why can’t I get out of my own way?” • “I despise myself for not being able to change.”

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And those are just the printable ones! Feeling compassion for yourself may be a challenge for you, too. You may be used to condemning yourself for your habit. You may be convinced that you should “just do it.” You may even worry that feeling compassion for your past self will keep you from changing by providing a handy excuse. And you don’t want to feel so sorry for yourself that you drown in a sinkhole of self-pity. It seems like a paradox, but accepting yourself with compassion will actually help you change. First, compassion will allow you to acknowledge your problem rather than deny it. It’s easier to accept your situation when you remember the emotional pain your past self was in when you chose your habit. Second, compassion can end the vicious cycle of self-criticism. This cycle begins when you’ve indulged in your problem habit. Then you become filled with self-blame and self-hatred. These negative feelings trigger your desire to resort to your habit again. Why not, when you feel like such a lowlife? Compassion interrupts this selfabuse and softens your harsh judgments of yourself. Feeling better about yourself will then give you the strength to tackle your habit. Finally, viewing yourself with a compassionate eye may help you see the larger social problems that pushed you toward your bad habit. If you lived in a dangerous neighborhood, you might have chosen to watch TV instead of walk. If the convenience store near your house stocked junk food and wilted-looking produce, you might have opted for the junk food. In time, you will have to be firm with yourself to conquer your habit. But right now, compassion for your past self may give you the courage to set out on your habit change journey. And even if your past self is only three months younger than your present self, you can still gain perspective on your problem by being kind to yourself. So, you found your favorite habit, and it took care of you. But you are not necessarily living happily ever after together. To what extent does your habit still take care of you, and to what extent is it stabbing you in the back? That is the topic of the next secret. Try this: Compassion for a “Friend” If you are having trouble empathizing with your past self, pretend that your best friend is struggling with your habit. Allow yourself to feel compassion for that friend; then see if you can transfer those feelings to yourself.

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Nancy’s Story

“Why My House Is a Mess” I’ve always wondered why I have so much trouble keeping my house clean and organized. After all, I’m a military brat and a former service member. I know how to clean and organize! And I’m the one who suffers when I have to search for something and be late (which I hate) or when my kids don’t have clean clothes at hand for school. But when I thought back to when my habit started, I immediately remembered my father. My father was a tyrant when it came to order and cleanliness. I don’t remember a single weekend that wasn’t dedicated to picking every tiny piece of paper or trash out of the yard. We would cut the edges of the grass by hand with scissors because a store-bought edger didn’t teach us to be good people. Any dream of being part of an after school group or team was shut down before it started. We didn’t have time for that foolishness, in my father’s view. We also spent time ironing a vast amount of laundry, including tablecloths, sheets, and all items of clothing that were worn out of the house, even our play clothes, as preposterous as that may sound. My father insisted that no child of his would leave the house without a thorough once-over by “the commander.” My dad was not only trying to live the military code at home but also putting on a good show for the neighbors. If the yard is immaculate and everyone looks well-scrubbed, no one will suspect that the head of this picture-perfect household is actually a man in crisis. No one will suspect that this man torments his family with endless and meaningless rules and the constant threat of physical retribution for not abiding by them. And no one will suspect that this man is an alcoholic. My father’s militant approach to parenting is probably one reason why I am such a slob now. I really don’t want to go overboard with cleaning and organizing and become like him. Yet I still wish I had a clean and orderly house.

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Know When True Self-Care Morphs Into False Self-Care

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

False self-care is like cutting a weed off at the ground; true selfcare is like pulling a weed up by its roots. ~ Coretta, student

Th e Boom er a n g Effec t A student wrote, “I would like to explain how an innocent way to pass the time can overpower your life before you even realize it.” Amanda was a young married mother with a 3-year-old daughter, and the “innocent” habit she was referring to was nightly TV watching. When Amanda was growing up, TV had been limited. She would spend her evenings reading for pleasure and just letting the activities and thoughts of the day sift through her mind. But now, she wrote, “I find myself watching countless hours of old reruns and staying up late. Instead of a restful night’s sleep, my mind is flooded with important tasks that should have been completed but which were never even begun.” The TV had hypnotized her. In her trance state, she neglected her child, her husband, and herself. 48

K n o w Wh e n Tr u e S e l f - C a r e M o r p h s I n to Fa l s e S e l f - C a r e

Like all habits, Amanda’s habit started out as a way to care for herself—to relieve the tedium of the day’s routines, to entertain herself, and to elevate her mood. In the beginning, her TV habit seemed to be a “true friend.” But as TV began stealing more and more of her time, Amanda began to feel out of control. She missed the connection with her daughter and husband. She disliked her neglect of housework and school tasks and staying up too late to function well the next day. The true friend that had helped her relax had morphed into a false friend that now caused guilt, procrastination, and isolation. Her habit had turned on her “like a boomerang in flight.” She began to wonder if her habit was worth the costs. Tru e o r Fa l se Self- C a re? As you learned in the previous chapter, every habit begins its life for an understandable reason. Your habit starts out as a “true friend,” an attempt to solve a problem that you’re facing. And for a while, this coping technique works out just fine. How can you tell if your habit has “boomeranged” into a false friend? When you are under the spell of your habit, it’s not easy to figure out if it’s mutated into something sinister. So use this rule of thumb: False self-care gives you a short-term escape from life’s stresses and problems but in the long run piles more stress on top of the original problem. Examples: • You binged on sweets after a hard day at work; now you feel so stuffed that you are actually in physical pain. • You were afraid to insist that your boyfriend use a condom; now you’re worried about pregnancy, AIDS, and other sexually transmitted infections. • You decided to go out with friends instead of paying your bills; now you’re paying late fees that you can’t afford. False self-care could be called “the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain,” as psychiatrist R. D. Laing put it. False self-care does help you avoid pain or cover it over with a thin veneer of pleasure. But over time it has a negative impact on your life. False self-care can eat away at your health, your relationships, your work, and your self-esteem. You know you are practicing false self-care when:

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• You are avoiding the things you need to do. • You feel guilty, worried, or anxious about your actions because they do not reflect your values and goals. • Your habit is damaging your physical and mental health. • You are choosing friends who lead you down the wrong road. • Your habit is threatening your life and safety. • You are using your habit to escape from life’s challenges. True self-care is when you care for and protect yourself as a good mother would a small child. It’s when you are your own best friend, looking out for your best interests. It’s when you act in such a way that your future self will someday thank your present self for the decisions you are making right now. True self-care can mean adding more pleasure to your life. But sometimes true self-care means saying “no” to pleasure, if it’s not what’s best for you in the long run. True self-care means taking the right path instead of the easy path. Specifically, you know you are practicing true self-care when: • You feel a sense of peace because you are acting in harmony with your own values and goals. • You are willing to give up some immediate stress-relieving pleasures because you wouldn’t feel good about yourself in the long run. • You are taking good care of your body, your mind, and your emotions. • You are taking good care of yourself in relationships—seeking out people who care about you and allow you to be yourself. • You are finding ways to have fun that you won’t regret later. A C h at W ith Yo u r Futu re Self A useful way to judge whether you are practicing true or false selfcare is to ask, “What would my future self think about what I am doing right now?” Imagine this dialogue: Present self: “Eating is so comforting, especially when I’m under stress. I just don’t think I’m ready to change my overeating habit.” Future self: “But some day I could get diabetes, joint pain, or heart problems. I want to be active—working, traveling, and visiting my friends and children. Isn’t there some way you could cut back?”

K n o w Wh e n Tr u e S e l f - C a r e M o r p h s I n to Fa l s e S e l f - C a r e

You don’t have to limit conversations with your future self to habit change topics. If you are tempted to get a large tattoo with your current sweetheart’s name on it, consult with your future self. Your future self has an opinion about everything. Talk with him or her often. True self-care means never having to say “I’m sorry” to your future self. Try This Take a few deep breaths to relax. Then create (or write down) an imaginary dialogue between you and your future self about your target habit. What is your current point of view? What does your future self think?

A Fata l Embr ac e Some habits, such as biting your fingernails, provide false self-care, but cost you very little in the long run. However, the cost of many bad habits and addictions is high. Like the people who die each year from smoking, obesity, or drinking, you could pay the ultimate price. Your habit is a master of disguise. When you’re in love with a habit, you’ll be tempted to think of it as true self-care, regardless of the harm it’s causing you. But those who never see the false face of their habit could die in its fatal embrace. Amanda, the woman whose TV habit had boomeranged back at her, could see that television had become a barrier between her and the family that she loved. She was not happy about changing, and she dreaded facing the evenings without her favorite programs. But she was ready to contemplate a change. She began to long for a return to her old self, her true self, that didn’t need numbing out by the same old shows. You can move beyond the Precontemplation Stage if you are willing to see your habit for the false self-care that it is. Don’t fall for the idea that your habit is who you are. You are much more than your bad habit.

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Try This: True or False Friend? Fill in the blanks, mentally or in your journal. “My habit gives me true self-care in these ways: ___________. My habit gives me false self-care in these ways: _____________.” Can you use this list to help you arrive at the Contemplation Stage?

Lee’s Story

“Ten Years in Precontemplation” I was startled to realize that I’ve spent 10 years in the Precontemplation Stage. This really scared me, because I always, always told myself that I would only smoke for a few years. First I told myself that I would quit when I turned 21. When that birthday came, I said to myself, “I’ll give myself a year or two more now that I can drink at bars.” Now I’m about to be 25. And I never noticed how much time had gone by.

Pre conte mplation Se cret

3

Reduce Har m

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. ~ Homer’s Iliad

I f Yo u A re H uma n, Re a d O n Have you ever … • Forgotten someone’s birthday and sent a belated birthday card? • Partied instead of studying and then crammed furiously for the test at the last minute? • Watched too much TV but paid your bills during the commercials? • Said something you regretted and then apologized? If you’ve said “yes” to any of these actions, then you’ve practiced harm reduction. Sure, it would have been better not to make a mistake in the first place, but at least you did some damage control. Because we’re all human and make mistakes all the time, harm reduction is a part of daily life for everyone. 53

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Even if you stand firmly in the Precontemplation Stage, you can still reduce the harm caused by your habit. Harm reduction strategies can cut down the negative consequences of your habit to you, your loved ones, and your community. Appointing a “designated driver” is a classic example of harm reduction. Many years ago, the perils of drinking and driving were minimized or ignored. Eventually, groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) raised public awareness about alcoholrelated deaths and injuries from auto accidents. Now, smart people planning a wild night also plan how to get safely home after it. The percentage of deaths and injuries from auto accidents involving alcohol has been dramatically reduced, thanks to the designated driver approach. Ha r m Redu c tio n: Th e Th i rd Way Many people see their habit change in black and white—you either change it or you don’t. But there are shades of gray, and one of those shades is making your habit less harmful. While you are deciding what to do about your problem behavior in the long run, there are many small ways to help yourself and others out in the short run. Just because you have a bad habit doesn’t mean you don’t care. The “Habit/Possible Strategy” table gives examples of possible harm reduction strategies that could be used for various habits. Habit

Possible Strategy

Smoking cigarettes

Never smoke when children are present; don’t smoke in restaurants. Never use on a work or school day. Take the stairs instead of the elevator; park farther from your destination so you have to walk more. Limit desserts to one per day. Attend all classes; take careful notes.

Smoking marijuana Lack of exercise

Overeating Procrastination about studying

You get the idea. There’s a limitless supply of creative ways to reduce harm. Is harm reduction ideal? Of course not. It would be better if everyone always drove safely, never procrastinated, avoided harmful and illegal substances, and always did the right thing. Yeah, right! Not in

Reduce Harm

this world. And hurt can still happen, even if harm is being reduced. But harm reduction is better than nothing. For some people, harm reduction can even turn into a method of habit change. Harm reduction practitioners have a motto that I hope you’ll take to heart. The motto is this: “Any positive step forward.” Try This: Reduce Harm Think of one small way to reduce the harm your habit is causing, and write it down in your journal. Include the specifics: what you will do, when you will do it, how you will do it, and why you will do it.

Try This: Practice True Self-Care Although you may be involved with a destructive habit, that doesn’t mean that you must neglect yourself in other ways. You have the right to take care of yourself, even when you are not behaving in a perfect way. Fill in the blank: “To take better care of myself, I could ________________________.”

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4

Decide on Your “Change Point”

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. ~ Andy Warhol

D eci d i n g O n Yo u r “C h a n ge Poi nt” “Okay, I’ve read this far, but in my heart of hearts I know I’m still not ready to change my habit.” That’s your choice. But before you put this book down, answer the following question: What would have to happen for you to know it’s time to change? Your answer will tell you when your habit has reached the point of no return—that point when you have clearly lost control of your life and your habit is in the driver’s seat. When will you have sunk as low as you’d ever want to go? 56

Decide

on

Yo u r “ C h a n g e P o i n t ”

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has a saying that expresses this challenge in a nutshell: “How far down would the elevator have to go before you would decide to get off?” Would you have to develop a terminal illness? Would you have to lose your job? Would you have to lose a marriage or a significant relationship? My student Max decided to terminate his soda habit after his doctor told him he was pre-diabetic. How much would you have to hurt yourself or another person before you decided to change? At one time, many addiction experts believed that people with addictions were stuck so deeply in denial that they had to “hit bottom” before they would change. This belief is slowly changing. Not everyone needs a disaster to wake them up. Caroline, for example, began her campaign to quit smoking when she noticed herself huffing and puffing after only a short climb up a staircase. She was able to get off the elevator before it sunk to the lower levels—the levels of emphysema, heart disease, or cancer. So, what would have to happen for you to know it’s time to change? It is important that you answer the question now. In the future, your problem habit may rule your life so completely that you may lose all perspective. Moreover, it is essential to write down this answer so that you cannot fool yourself that “I am still in control” when you aren’t—by your own standard. Take a minute, and answer the “elevator” question right now. I will know I have a problem and need to change when … _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ ____________________ Date: ________________________ Take a look at what you just wrote. Are you giving yourself an early wake-up call or sleeping until noon? If you have given yourself a last-minute wake-up call, reset your personal alarm clock to a time when you will not lose so much before you decide to change.

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For my own sake and for the sake of those I love, I will consider changing when … _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ ____________________ Date: ________________________ Setting a limit like this is a good way to keep your habit under control. If you ever cross the line that you just drew, you’ll know it’s time to change.

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5

If Your Habit Is Out of Control, Get Help

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Complain to one who can help you. ~ Yugoslav proverb

“I’m terrified that I could hurt myself or someone else.” “My habit is running my life and ruining my life.” If this is the case with you, get help. Although the purpose of this book is to help you become stronger than your habit, this goal takes time, concentration, and effort. You may need to change now. Immediate change should be your goal if you have a habit or addiction that is life-threatening, that is causing extreme suffering to you and those you love, or that is spiraling out of control. Specifically, here are some of the signs that your habit is out of control. Get help right now if any of the following apply to you: • You could end up in jail. • You want to withdraw from an addictive substance and need medical supervision. 59

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• Your actions threaten the life and safety of you or others. • You have already gone about as low as you can go, by your own definition. • Those who care about you have told you that you are out of control. • You have lost a relationship because of your habit. • You have lost a job because of your habit. • You are having suicidal thoughts or have engaged in reckless actions that could accidentally or on purpose lead to your death. If you’ve realized that your habit is stronger than you are at this moment and you’ve decided to do something about it, I hope you will give yourself credit for facing your own situation realistically. That is a big step toward effective change. Now all that remains is for you to find immediate support to help you out. While finding the right kind of help may seem like a formidable task, there are several ways to make it easier. Here are seven quick ways to find help: • If you have health insurance, check the back of your card and call the general number to find out the procedures for accessing mental health care. If you are in crisis, say so. Ask to speak with a mental health professional, preferably one with a strong background in addictions work. Talk to her about your situation, and together decide what to do next. • Get a recommendation from a trusted friend or family member for a competent and caring therapist or program. Then interview that person and find out if he is a good fit for you. • If you are in high school or college, seek out a school counselor. The counselor can help you or guide you to the right resources. • Call a local or regional hotline number to find out names of emergency mental health resources. (You can call “information” to get this number.) If you are unable to track down the right hotline number, ask the operator for the suicide hotline. Even if you are not suicidal, such hotlines have compiled lists of valuable resources that they will share with you. This route will be particularly useful if you do not have health insurance. Some communities offer a 211 helpline; this helpline could also refer you to someone who can help. • Call your doctor for a consultation. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a specialist or a treatment center.

I f Yo u r H a b i t I s O u t

of

Control, Get Help

• If you are in an immediate substance abuse or mental health crisis, call 911 or go to the emergency room. • If you can’t take these actions on your own, call a relative or friend, and ask him or her to take over. Let someone help you do what you know you need to do. Getting help when you need it is one of the best forms of self-care there is. Take care of yourself by realizing you need someone else to take care of you right now.

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6

Open the Door

Springboard ⇒⇒Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

“You can’t get hooked on reefer,” I told my friends. “I can stop anytime I want.” But deep inside, I knew I was hooked, and I was secretly jealous of those from my drug circle who got themselves together and pulled out. ~ James McBride, The Color of Water

“Yes, it’s time to think about changing my habit.” If you can acknowledge that making a change, however small, is worth considering, you are in transition from the Precontemplation Stage to the Contemplation Stage. It’s normal if there is a part of you that still loves your habit. But there is a seed of change growing inside you. Begin to nourish that seed. Earlier in Precontemplation, you may have resisted anyone in your life who suggested that you change your habit. You thought other people were nagging you. You wanted them off your back. Now you realize that one of the voices urging you to change was your own wise inner voice. Turn up that voice.

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Open

the

Door

Try This: U  se Your Wise Inner Voice to Help You Let Go of Your Habit Think back to the time when your habit began. Visualize your past self, and watch as this younger version of you adopted the bad habit. Now imagine yourself comforting your past self, showing that you understand the problems that the younger you faced at that time. Then explain to this younger you why now you must begin a change. Help your past self see that you can find better ways to meet the challenges of life and still have fun. (Note: This can be a powerful exercise. You may want to do this in the presence of a therapist or someone else that you trust. Scary though it may be, talking to yourself like this will give you the heart to change your habit.) By opening your mind and heart to the possibility of change, you have crossed a great divide. I would say that this step—bravely opening the door to the possibility of change—takes more courage than any other step in the change process. The next section—Contemplation—will help you find your strongest motivators for change. Open the door.

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Sectio n

III

The Contemplation Stage Discover Your Motivators

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

It is in changing that we find purpose. ~ Heraclitus

Steppi n g i nto a N e w Stage “Yes, my habit is a false friend.” You’ve faced the fact that your habit is a back-stabber. You’ve decided to open your mind to the idea of change. These are the two hardest steps in the entire habit change process for some people, and you’ve accomplished them. Did you notice the arrow above? You’re in the Contemplation Stage. You’ve moved on.

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“But you don’t understand how hard it is. I’m not ready to change. I’m not even sure I want to change. So what do I do now?” If you feel confused, take heart! Mixed feelings are a normal part of the Contemplation Stage. You can love and hate your habit simultaneously. After all, your habit started out as a “true friend” even though its false side has become more and more obvious. And you don’t need to make an instant change. In Contemplation, you just need to think about why you might want to change. And yes, it’s hard to say goodbye to a habit. Yo u r M issio n i n th e Co ntem pl atio n Stage Even though mixed feelings are a hallmark of the Contemplation Stage, you can’t progress to the next stage while you are pulled in two directions. How can you get your mind and heart in the right place so you can launch your change? That is the key task of the Contemplation Stage. You need something that will get you off the seesaw of being “up” on change one moment and “down” on it the next. You need something that will make you determined to follow through with your change. You need something to keep you going even when you face obstacles. That “something” is your unique motivators. Motivators are powerful ideas and images that will give you the strength and determination to change. Much of this section is devoted to helping you find those motivators and breathe life into them. The work of the Contemplation Stage is mental work. As you change your habit, you must alter the thinking patterns connected to it. Learning the secrets below will help you create a changepower mindset: Contemplation Secret 1: Wake up from your habit trance. Contemplation Secret 2: Keep score. Contemplation Secret 3: Welcome the pain. Contemplation Secret 4: Think big: Spark your change with these Eight Great Motivators. Contemplation Secret 5: Pump up your motivation. Contemplation Secret 6: Change your self-talk. Contemplation Secret 7: Dare to decide.

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1

Wake Up From Your Habit Tr ance

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Mindfulness is the energy that allows us to recognize our habit energy and prevent it from dominating us. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Th e Mystery o f M i n d less Mu n c h i n g Chomp, chomp. Christine often found herself sitting in front of the TV, stuffing herself with handfuls of popcorn or chips even when she wasn’t hungry. She was in a habit trance. Christine called this trance her “mindless munching” problem. Why she continued to eat when she was full had always been an unsolved mystery to her. A borderline diabetic, she realized that waking up from her habit trance could be a matter of life or death. Do you ever find yourself falling into a mindless habit trance when you practice your problem habit? When I was a smoker, I sometimes had a lit cigarette in my mouth before I even consciously knew I wanted a cigarette. Such is the power of the habit trance. 67

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You’re in a habit trance when you can perform your habit actions on automatic pilot. It’s easy to become a habit zombie because “neurons that fire together wire together.” The trance state can feel like a happy daydream. It can cover up painful feelings. It can numb you to the harsh realities of life. The problem is that your trance also covers up what you are actually doing to yourself with your habit. So to change your habit, you will need to wake up from that trance. How? How to Overcom e th e Tr a n c e “Sleep ” Click, clack. Christine was using her computer to keep a food journal. She recorded not just what she ate but also what she felt just before reaching for food and how she felt after she overstuffed herself. At one point, she began thinking about her mother, who had grown up poor and lived by the commandment, “Clean your plate.” Christine noticed that she, too, lived by this commandment and that if she didn’t lose weight, she could die by it as well. She began to contemplate how to overcome the automatic behaviors that had been handed down from her mother. Christine was waking up from her trance. Her wake-up call began with a simple decision—the decision to pay attention to what she was thinking and feeling as she went through her eating routines. You, too, can break through your trance state. You don’t necessarily need a journal, although journaling can help. All it takes is the decision to be aware instead of asleep. Awareness means deliberately and consciously paying close attention to your habit routines. It means noticing what you are doing with a curious, nonjudgmental attitude. Awareness is sometimes described as mindfulness. Whether you call it paying attention, mindfulness, consciousness raising, or awareness, it all means the same thing—being aware of what you’re doing when you’re doing it. The opposite of mindful is absent-minded or mindless. You are physically here, but your mind has taken off for a brief vacation. Are you aware at this moment? Do you feel your hands on the book? Are you noticing what you read? Are you mindful? When you are in touch with your “right now” thoughts and actions, you are awake and alert. Even if you discover that you’re daydreaming, you can be mindful of what your daydreams tell you.

Wa k e U p F r o m Yo u r H a b i t Tr a n c e

Let’s apply this idea to habit change. Right now you might be aware of wanting a snack. If you are aware, you might notice that you aren’t really hungry, yet you still want food. Then you realize that you feel anxious. Now you’re curious. You ask yourself, “Do I eat because I’m anxious? What am I worried about?” You might be aware of going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. Maybe you watch yourself as you devour the last of the leftover pie. You notice that you feel fuller now, but you also notice that you still have negative feelings— guilt, sadness, and worry. Or you might decide to talk to yourself like this: “I’ll read for five minutes more and then see if I really want a snack.” So you start reading again. You become involved with this chapter. “Oh,” you say to yourself, “I see. Awareness is just being conscious of what I’m doing when I’m doing it. Okay, I’ve got it. Hmm, I’m much less hungry now. I wonder why.” After some time passes, you might realize, “Wait a minute. I’m not hungry, but here I am opening the door to the refrigerator. I’m doing it again!” Don’t worry if you discover that you enter your habit trance again and again. The more you catch yourself, the more awake you are becoming. If you are struggling to bring yourself into the present moment, just try this simple technique whenever you need to: Take a deep, slow breath. Turn your awareness to this breath, and you’ll discover that you have woken up for that one moment. Paying attention from moment to moment like this is powerful. You may have realized, for example, that you tend to turn to snacking when you feel worried or anxious. Or maybe you learned that if you wait before you eat, sometimes your hunger evaporates. Maybe you discovered that your habit was stronger than you thought. When you focus intently on what happens when you have a habit urge, you can discover some interesting things about yourself and your favorite habit. Here are the kinds of questions you might want to ask yourself as you consciously wake up from your habit trance: • • • • • • •

What seems to trigger my habit? When do I seem to need my habit most? What purposes does my habit serve? How do I feel when I am “habit-ing”? How do I feel after I’ve “habit-ed”? When is it that I’m not interested in my habit at all? What’s going on when I can successfully resist my habit?

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M i n d fu ln ess C h a llen ges It’s so easy to say, “Be aware and pay attention.” It’s much less easy to actually do it. Here are some challenges you could face: • You might go off into a fantasy world. That’s OK. Just notice that you’ve “left the room,” and notice where you’ve gone. What does that tell you? • You might find it hard to pay attention. That’s OK, too. Just become aware that your attention has drifted and gently bring it back to your habit again. You will notice that you need to refocus your attention again and again. This is a normal process. It is amazing how often our minds take off in their own direction. As some say, the mind has a mind of its own. Your job: Just gently bring your mind back to noticing your habit behaviors. Do this over and over again so you can catch yourself before you go into a habit trance. • You might find yourself becoming self-critical. Just notice this. Then you could talk to yourself like this: “I seem to criticize myself a lot. Why is this? I wonder if it has something to do with my habit. I wonder why it’s hard for me to feel compassion for myself.” • You might feel a strong emotion such as anger or guilt. Just notice this. Tell yourself, “This must be really important. Why do I feel this way so much?” You could stay with the difficult emotion and explore the reasons for it. Or, you could remind yourself that strong emotions are like dark clouds—eventually they go by. Then notice the next emotion that comes up. As you were reading about these barriers to mindfulness, did you notice that whatever happens is OK? All you have to do is pay attention to it. Then all you have to do is pay attention to the next thing. Sometimes awareness will be exciting—an “aha” experience. At other times, as the fog of the trance state lifts, you may have to face a painful or inconvenient truth about yourself. Face the difficult moments with an attitude of “I can learn from this.” You’ll help yourself take a giant step toward your change. Some people believe that the aware part of you is your true self. Think about that. When you are kind, curious, and aware, do you feel more like the real you? If so, you now have a simple way to access an important side of yourself: Be aware.

Wa k e U p F r o m Yo u r H a b i t Tr a n c e

Th e Positive Si d e o f Tr a n c es A habit trance can work on your side. For example, you probably do most of your morning routine on automatic pilot. You wash your face and brush your teeth in a semiconscious trance state. This positive trance means you don’t have to think at a time when you’re struggling just to get dressed and out the door. Most people cannot eat without washing their hands first. This automatic behavior protects their health, and they do it without thought or effort. Other health-promoting trances include the trances you fall into when you dance, wash the dishes, play music, or exercise. Lots of satisfying activities give your mind a break from boredom, pain, and worry, while either doing you no harm or actively doing you good—watching movies, jogging, knitting, painting, and drawing, to name a few. As you change, you will figure out new habits that will give you healthier pleasures and that cost less in money, time, and emotional turmoil.

Try This Fill in the blank: “Right now I have some good habits that I can do pretty much on automatic pilot. Those good habits are ________ ________________________.”

Yo u r M issio n: Wa k e U p! There are many ways to wake up from your habit trance. You just tried being alert to your “right now” thoughts and feelings. You could write in your journal like Christine did. A third way, described in the next chapter, is to use a scorecard—a baseline. Remember, you don’t have to change at this point; your goal is simply to “wake up.” Still, as you raise your awareness, you may notice that you are less tightly bound to your habit or even possess more changepower. Whenever my friend Joan takes the “waistband test” and realizes she’s put on a few pounds, she begins to keep a food journal of everything she eats. After a few days of eating awareness, she can regain control. She’s not alone in using this method successfully. A recent study found that dieters who kept a food diary six or seven days a week lost an average of 18 pounds over 6 months, compared with 9 pounds lost by those who didn’t. Some even proclaimed the food diary as the

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most successful weight loss tool ever. And why is it so effective? The mere act of writing down what you eat raises your awareness enough to enable you to make a conscious change. Even if you can’t change immediately through heightened awareness, what you learn about your habit now will help you when you are ready to change. Until then, to wrest control back from your habit, practice the essential secret of this chapter: Give yourself a wake-up call and begin paying attention to your habit! Try This: Notice Without Judging Without trying to change in any way, just watch yourself go through your day. Look for clues as to why you practice your habit. Is it “just a habit,” or are there deeper issues? What do you feel before you practice your habit? Anger? Stress? Sadness? How do you feel after your habit? Relief? Guilt? Comfort? All three? Be aware also of those times when you don’t need to practice your habit. What makes you strong? Then finish these sentences: “When I first adopted my habit my goal was to _______. Now I seem to need my habit most under these circumstances, ________, and when I feel ____________.”

Alicia’s Story

“Waking Up” This week I noticed that when I watch TV, I smoke without thinking about it. I decided to wake up from my habit trance by putting my cigarettes in the other room instead of keeping them right by me all the time. Before I got up to get one, I would ask myself, “Do I need this, or do I want this?” This simple question has curbed my intake of the nasty beasties. I’ve also learned I can wait several hours before I give in to a craving. When I do need a cig, I smoke in the other room, away from the TV and computer. I’m going to cut down using this method. Whether I can quit or not, well … we’ll see.

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Keep Score

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Hope doesn’t come from calculating whether the good news is winning out over the bad. It’s simply a choice to take action. ~ Anna Lappé

Yo u C a n ’ t Tell th e Pl ayers W ith o ut a Sco reca rd I love baseball. I’m a rabid fan of my hometown team (full disclosure: the St. Louis Cardinals). When I watch a game and witness a close call, I tend to see what I hope will be true—that the call will favor my team. Much as I like to think of myself as an objective observer of reality, in these situations I become a pathetic victim of wishful thinking. Changing a habit can be like that. You may be such a fan of your habit that you can’t view it objectively. Your habit trance will make sure you only half-realize what you are doing. So you may not know who’s winning—your habit or you—unless you keep score. 73

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Th e Baseli n e: Yo u r Perso n a l Sco reca rd A baseline is your personal scorecard. It will tell you exactly where you are starting with your habit. You don’t need to try to change your habit when you do a baseline. It’s just another way to wake up from your trance. All you have to do is make a simple tally mark of how often you engage in your habit every day for at least one week. You can use your day planner, make a simple chart to slip in your pocket, or use the sample baseline at the end of this chapter. Later on, you can do a second baseline and find out if you have truly improved. Without knowing where you’ve started, it’s easy to delude yourself that “things are a little better.” Some habit changers are so discouraged that they don’t recognize their own small but significant forward steps. I’m talking about you perfectionists here! You may overlook your strides forward just because you haven’t reached your ideal goal yet. As one of my perfectionistic students wrote, “A baseline is a good way to prove to yourself that you are actually progressing.”

Possible Ways to Baseli n e Yo u r Habit Here are some ideas for your baseline: For smoking or drinking For controlling overeating

For exercise

For getting more sleep For procrastination/better time management

For studying more

Keep a tally of the number of drinks or cigarettes you consume each day. Weigh yourself. Keep a food diary of everything you eat each day. (Go-getters: Keep track of calories, and add them up.) Keep a list of all formal exercise you do each day, including time spent. Or, buy a pedometer to record all your steps taken each day. Write down your bedtime, wake-up time, and number of hours slept each day. In the morning, make a to-do list of the three most important things you need to do that day. In the evening, tally how many you actually did like this: 0/3, 1/3, 2/3, or 3/3. Keep track of the hours (or minutes) that you are already studying each day.

Keep Score

As you fill in your baseline, notice your feelings, thoughts, and actions. This is another awareness tool—self-monitoring. When you practice self-monitoring, you may discover some of the forces that give your habit its power, just as Christine discovered that her mother’s food rules contributed to her mindless munching. It doesn’t matter if your baseline tells you some bad news. We’ve all got to start somewhere. The important thing is that you made the decision to fill it out. Now you’ve learned a little more, and you know what you need to work on. In the “game” of habit change, you can’t lose when you keep score. Just participating in the process is a signal that you are getting ready to face your problem habit. So, wake yourself up even more by making a baseline this week. Like Christine and the others who kept food journals, you might be surprised to find yourself changing as you do it.

Try this: Baseline Your Habit! Your habit can put you in a trance state. WAKE UP! Use the chart on the following page as your alarm clock. Under “Possible Triggers,” record the feelings, thoughts, sensations, and situations that triggered your habit. Under “Consequences,” make some notes about how you felt and what you thought afterward. At this point, you don’t have to try to change your behavior; just be aware of it.

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Example: Tuesday 3 beers

Baseline (Habit Tally) Felt guilty, sleepy Didn’t do homework

Consequences Tend to lose my temper easily, then I feel bad about myself and drink

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Coretta’s Story

“My Baseline Shrunk My Waistline” When I first started gaining weight, I asked my husband if my weight was a problem for him. “Not as long as I can put my arms around you,” he replied. He had long arms, so I ate and ate. Personally, I never felt pressure to be skinny. Big women are considered desirable in the black community. But I developed diabetes. Overeating and eating too much sugar became life-threatening problems for me. Still, I wanted my sweettooth fix every day. Even my doctor’s pleas had no effect. When I did a baseline of how often I ate sweets, I was shocked to find that I ate something with sugar in it every single day—little things like mints or raisin candies. This baseline motivated me to start my change. I kept myself motivated by envisioning a smaller, healthier me with lower blood sugar. Basically, I realized I had to take control of my life again. As the habit change class proceeded, I became better and better at monitoring my eating habits. I decided to do a baseline every week, even though it wasn’t required. After just four weeks, I began to notice a change—my baseline had shrunk my waistline!

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Welcome the Pain

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

We must embrace pain and welcome it as fuel for our journey. ~ Kenji Miyazawa

Pai n Is a n E xc ellent Motivato r Caroline quit smoking when she couldn’t climb a set of stairs without gasping for breath. Maria stopped her destructive drinking after the humiliation of becoming violently ill during a hair appointment. Anton began to exercise and eat right after his doctor informed him he would need heart surgery unless he changed his ways. Nancy began to hate her clutter habit on the day her daughter couldn’t locate her tennis racket before a big match. Pain. Anger. Grief. Fear. Guilt. Things that hurt are excellent motivators. Pain, whether physical or emotional, is hard to take. But pain motivators can be the “stick” that drives people to kick-start their habit changes. Because pain can push you away from your habit, I call pain motivators the push motivators. Pain gives you a kick in the pants and gets you moving. 78

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Nobody likes pain. Normally we all try to avoid it. But when it comes to changing your habit, welcome the pain! You can use it to begin your transformation. You probably already have. After all, if your habit were not causing you some pain, suffering, and confusion, you wouldn’t be in the Contemplation Stage, thinking seriously about change. The purpose of focusing on the painful side of your habit is not to judge yourself harshly or beat yourself up. Remember, you developed your habit to cope with something difficult, and it was the best you could do at the time. But now you want to highlight your pain and discontent so that you can spur yourself to change. Avoiding pain, now or in the future, may even be your strongest motivator. As therapist Bill O’Hanlon notes, “Sometimes people are motivated more by their wounds than by their bliss.” So ask yourself this question: How is your habit creating pain for you? Speci f y Yo u r Su fferi n g When you feel the pain of your bad habit, your thoughts probably revolve around these two questions.

1. H ow Is My H abit H arming M e? Before you picked up this book, you probably knew at least part of the answer to this question. Perhaps now you have raised your level of awareness even higher. Check the statements below that describe you: __ I have sometimes felt embarrassed when other people learn about my habit. __ I have lost respect for myself because of my habit. __ I worry that I am not living up to my own standards and values because of my habit. __ My habit makes me feel mixed-up inside. __ My habit is affecting my physical and emotional health. __ I am risking my life by practicing my habit. __ I feel out of control because of my habit. __ Because of my habit, my future looks dark. __ Other ways my habit hurts me: _________________________.

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2. H ow Is My H abit H arming O thers? You know that your habit sometimes hurts the people you love the most. Yet you still pursue it. This contradiction is part of what’s making you miserable. Take a look at the effects of your habit on others. Even if this is painful to do, keep at it. Remember that it may be even more painful to stick with your harmful habit. Take a deep breath, and check the statements below that apply to you: __ My habit is hurting my relationship with my family. __ Some of my friends and family feel embarrassed about my habit. __ My habit has endangered other people. __ I sometimes worry that I am a poor role model for the younger people in my family. __ My habit is hurting my work or school performance. __ I have let other people down because of my habit. __ Other ways my habit hurts others: _______________________ ________________________________________________. These lists can help you focus on reasons for leaving your habit in your rear-view mirror. Although you may not be able to find “50 ways to leave your lover,” as the song claims, you can find your own most critical reasons to leave your false lover—your problem habit. C h oose to Sto p th e Pai n Now see if your pain can begin to push you away from your habit. One of the best explanations of how to do this pushing away comes from the Buddhist tradition of “The Four Noble Truths.” Here is a sound-bite rendition of these deep truths from Thich Nhat Hahn’s The Heart of the Buddha’s Teachings: The First Noble Truth is that there is suffering in life. This may sound like a truism. But when you look at soda or beer ads that show people having more fun in 30 seconds than some of us have in a lifetime, you begin to wonder if you’re an oddball for not living in a state of constant euphoria. You are not. Some unhappiness and suffering are inevitable. The Second Noble Truth is that some of this suffering is selfcaused. We human beings seem to have a gift for getting in our own way. For example, your chosen habit, although it has a useful and pleasurable side, is now hurting you and other people.

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The Third Noble Truth tells us this: “Choose to stop creating your own suffering!” Although you can’t avoid many of life’s difficulties, you can certainly avoid those that you bring on yourself. You can make a different choice. Once you stop causing your own suffering, you can see a path to a better way of life. In Buddhism, this better life is known as the Eightfold Path. Today we might call it, in more prosaic terms, a healthy lifestyle. Changing your habit might transform more than your lifestyle, however (although that would be a huge step in itself). Later you will see how changing your habit can bring you closer to living a life in harmony with your deepest values and goals. W h en Yo u r Su fferi n g is N ot C aused by yo u r Habit Rosita was a conscientious student in habit change class. She handed in all assignments and reported diligently every week on her attempts to exercise and lose weight. But her efforts seemed to be getting her nowhere. Occasionally she would also mention her frustration with her husband, who always seemed to find a way to make her feel guilty when she left for the gym. About halfway through the class, she revealed the verbal and physical abuse her husband heaped on her every single day. At this point, Rosita changed her goal from weight loss to separating from her husband. During the class, she found a full-time job with decent benefits as a first step toward this enormous change. I ran into Rosita six months later. She had moved to her own place, was proceeding with the divorce, was exercising regularly, and had lost five pounds. Once she had dealt with the real problem, she was able to focus on a healthier lifestyle, and the pounds melted away. If you are having trouble getting excited about your habit change, maybe you have a problem behind your problem. Maybe you need to focus on something else first before you can change your habit. If you notice where your attention goes, that might tell you what you are really passionate about changing. Maybe that’s the issue that needs to rise to the top of your list. Not that you can’t begin to change even in the midst of a difficult situation. Not at all! Even if your friends give you trouble, your job grates on your soul, or you’re worried about your children, you can work on your habit while you decide what to do about these larger issues. After all, making a small change may give you the courage

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to make larger changes. At other times, however, avoiding the real problem will just prolong your agony. Only you can know what is best for you at a given time. Your pain is pushing you away from your habit. Now you need something to pull you toward a better way of life. The next chapter will give you a magnet: the Eight Great Motivators. Try This: Get in Touch With Your Concerns About Your Habit Finish these sentences. “I feel most upset by my bad habit when this happens: ________ ______________________.” “For the people who care about me, the worst part of my habit is ______________________.” “I could choose to stop the pain if I _____________________.”

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Think Big Spark Your Change With These Eight Gre at M otivators

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come. ~ Victor Hugo

Th e Pow er o f Yo u r U n i q u e Motivato rs Elena had attempted to quit smoking numerous times without success. When she became pregnant with her first child, she made herself take a long, hard look at this habit. She knew that smoking would put her baby at risk for low birth weight and other complications. She realized that secondhand smoke would pose a health hazard to her child after it was born. Plus, she wanted to be around to support and love this child, not make an early exit because of lung disease. Elena decided that her love for her child could be stronger than her smoking habit. She cut down and then quit one week after her positive pregnancy test. When the cravings struck, she told herself, “I can do 83

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this for my child and for myself.” The motivators of long life and love kept her from smoking not just through her pregnancy but also for good. To this day, she remains a nonsmoker. Long life. Love. These are just words, just thoughts in your head, just ideas. But, as the French writer Victor Hugo said, “There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” As Elena found out, certain ideas and thoughts can change your mind, change your heart, and change your actions. Motivators are ideas so strong that they can inspire your change. In the last chapter, you focused on push motivators, those painful things that pushed you away from your habit. Pain is helping you jumpstart your change. But dwelling too much on negative emotions might make you so depressed that you are tempted to pick up your habit again for some comfort. To keep moving forward, you need pull motivators—ideas that can transform your mind and pull you toward a better way of life. Push motivators are the stick; pull motivators are the carrot. Use them both, and you have the best chance to change your habit. Th e Ei ght Gre at Motivato rs Motivators are different from goals. Your habit change goal might be “to lose 30 pounds.” But why? For health and vitality? For vanity? To show your old boyfriend how wrong he was? Your motivator gives you the “why” of your change. There are probably as many motivators as there are people, so if you have a motivator that is already pulling you forward, stick with it. But there are Eight Great Motivators that give you a special power for changing your habit, because they bring meaning and purpose to your life. When I refer to the Eight Great Motivators, I am capitalizing them because they truly deserve those capital letters. Once you’ve named your motivators, you will realize that changing your habit will put you on a more satisfying life path, despite the effort and hard work required of you. So consider which of the Eight Great Motivators could be your motivators.

M otivator #1: Higher Values Edward thought that his gambling was just an entertainment for him, not a problem. Then he noticed how often he lied about how much he gambled and how much he lost.

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When your problem habit is in the driver’s seat, your values get packed away in the trunk of the car. Like Edward, you might find yourself lying, cheating, or minimizing the harm your habit is causing. You can never really forget your values, however, and the knowledge that you are not living up to your own standards is never far from your awareness. In fact, one of the most painful aspects of a bad habit is the guilt that always comes along for the ride. Welcome the guilt, because it tells you that you’ve taken a wrong turn. To inspire your change, you need to get in touch with what you truly value. Here are some values that have motivated other people to change: Health Staying alive Independence Long life Family Financial security Achievement Competition/winning

Pursuit of excellence Knowledge Wealth Creativity Vitality Helping others Honesty Community

Responsibility Self-control Hard work Belonging Clear thinking Peace of mind Beauty Other: __________

Many of the values above are linked to the most powerful motivator of all—self-preservation. But self-preservation doesn’t just mean survival. It also means preserving yourself as the kind of person you admire. Honesty, self-reliance, and responsibility may be qualities you choose as your motivators because they express the real you. Try This: Fill in the Blank “A value that might help me succeed with my change is ______.”

M otivator #2: Love and G o o d Relationships Love could be classified as a “higher value.” But it’s such a potent motivator that it deserves a category of its own. Love means not only romantic love but also love of family members and friends. It also includes a sense of belonging and being accepted by others. Bad habits can begin when relationships fail. When people feel isolated, lonely, and misunderstood, they turn to the false friends of smoking, drinking, overeating, and channel surfing to make up for

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the love they lack. Building relationships with good people can help you change your target habit. Research shows that good relationships can even make you healthier as well as happier. My student Nancy overcame her shyness using love as her motivator. Until ninth grade, she was so shy that she even refused invitations to other girls’ birthday parties. Talking with others was agony for her. But at 15 she began taking an interest in boys. She realized that if she were ever going to have a boyfriend, she would have to learn to speak up. To the shock of her parents, she signed up for a speech class. Twenty years later she is happily married with children and was the student leader of our habit change class. Consider dedicating your habit change to someone you care about. In the words of the old song, remind yourself, “This is dedicated to the ones I love.” Try This: Fill in the Blank “This habit change is dedicated to ______________________.”

BLACK BOX WARNINGS Warning #1 Sometimes a love partner will demand, “If you love me, you will change.” If your partner has realistic worries about your health or life, maybe there is some justice to this demand. (Of course, it would be better if your partner could just express concern without making it seem like a threat.) But beware of the partner who wants you to change to measure up to some impossible standard, like becoming a size 0 to fit into a teensy bikini. This kind of partner may never be satisfied and will constantly make you anxious about being good enough. Changing for love should be your choice, not a requirement foisted on you by someone else. Something in us balks when the other person insists that we change. The result is a power struggle—and a stalemate instead of change.

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Warning #2 Falling in love can be a powerful negative motivator if you fall for the wrong person. Think of people you know who developed bad habits under the influence of false love. When your brain is flooded with “love chemicals,” you are vulnerable to an unscrupulous partner who can undermine your sense of self and your values. This kind of love you can do without. A healthy love is just as exciting and helps you grow into your best self as well.

M otivator #3: Higher G o als and Personal M is sion Tracy works part-time and attends school full-time, usually earning A’s in her classes. What keeps her working in the library instead of going home and vegging out in front of the TV? Answer: She is determined to earn a business degree. Deciding to change for the sake of a higher goal is powerful. It helps you “keep your eyes on the prize.” What do you want to accomplish? It could be a career goal, a financial goal, a cherished personal project, a family goal, or a social change goal. As you work toward various goals, you might even find your mission in life. If you want shining examples of people motivated by higher goals, look at the civil rights leaders who fought tirelessly for racial equality. They were motivated so strongly by the goals of social justice and racial equality that they overcame fear of jail and beatings, financial insecurity, and possible loss of life. Rosa Parks, for instance, was by nature a shy individual. Step by step, she overcame this pattern. For 12 years she dedicated herself to the civil rights cause, daily becoming stronger in her resolve, her skills, and her confidence. You know the end of the story. Eventually in 1955, she made her courageous decision to refuse to move to the back of the bus. This act opened the door to the modern civil rights movement. Even if you don’t want to change the world, achieving your personal goals can still give you a sense of deep satisfaction. Michelle, for example, decided to overcome her procrastination because she

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wanted to complete a project for her child’s school. Julie wanted to get all schoolwork done by 8 p.m. so that she could work on some of her sewing projects. Dina’s decision to move out of an unsafe neighborhood motivated her to sort through the accumulated clutter of 10 years. Robert decided to lose weight so he could fulfill his dream of biking through Europe. What are your life goals? Goals you’d like to accomplish in the next 10 years? Next year? Consider what you might like to tell your grandchildren you did with your life. Try this: Fill in the Blank “A goal that might motivate me to change my habit is _______.”

M otivator #4: S elf- Resp e ct Pursuing some habits can cause you to lose respect for yourself. Paul, for instance, had been the victim of his overeating habit for some time. He had lost stamina, muscle mass, and, above all, pride in his appearance. When he topped 250 pounds and looked at himself in the mirror, he saw a man with a ballooning gut who looked 10 years older than his actual age. This was the moment of truth that made Paul decide to regain his self-respect with a healthier eating and exercise program—and less beer. Many people are able to kick their habits when they decide to develop a more positive self-image. They become tired of a negative self-image based on a bad habit and yearn to be more than “a smoker,” “a drinker,” “a couch potato,” “a procrastinator,” or “an overeater.” Fortunately, no matter how much a habit takes over your life, there always seems to be a small part of you that protests against being held captive by the controlling habit. Your true self desires to burst the bonds of the habit and grow. Whatever your age may be, you can benefit from building a more positive self-image based on a healthier way of life. Try this: Finish This Sentence “I would respect myself more if I ______________________.”

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M otivator #5: H appines s If only I had a hundred dollars for every person who said something like this to me: “I wish I could figure out a way to enjoy life without my habit.” This familiar yearning reflects the fact that it’s difficult to enjoy life with a divided mind, the mind you’ve got when you love and hate your harmful habit all at the same time. People who feel this way are searching for one of the Eight Great Motivators—happiness. Happiness can be both a why of changing and a by-product of taking back control of your life. Happiness researcher Tal Ben-Shahar defines happiness as “the overall experience of pleasure and meaning” in life. Notice that neither pleasure nor meaning alone can quite describe happiness. Both are necessary. Your motivators provide you with the “meaning” part of happiness because they give you a sense of purpose. Your pleasures give you a sense of joy or well-being in the present moment. As long as they don’t harm you or anyone else or contradict your other valued motivators, pleasures help make life worth living. Aren’t you relieved that you don’t have to give up pleasure to find happiness? Try this: Find Your Happiness Make a list of activities that give you either a sense of purpose or a feeling of pleasure. (Make sure these activities don’t harm you or another.) How could you integrate at least one of these activities into your daily life?

M otivator #6: Visualizing a B et ter Future Have you ever had to remodel a room in your house? For weeks, or even months, you endured a dusty mess littered with construction supplies, paint cans, and displaced furniture. What kept you from going crazy? Your vision of how great your room would look when it was done. A vision of a better future can be a powerful motivator for change. Marla, a student who had returned to college after 10 years of working as a waitress, was a self-described “clutter queen.” Boxes of old papers, bills, and mail that needed sorting, a desk littered with paper and supplies—all this prevented her from being organized enough

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to become a successful student. To motivate herself, she visualized a clean space that she could beautify with colorful prints. She saw herself calmly studying in her now serene room. This vision was so alluring that she vowed to clean for 15 minutes a day, no matter what. You could be “scared straight” by a negative vision of your future, as in Sandy’s case. Sandy, a 20-year-old student in habit change class, was struggling to quit smoking. She wasn’t sure if she was changing for herself or for her boyfriend, who had nagged her about quitting for a long time. She had cut down to just two cigarettes a day, but her mixed feelings kept her from taking the final decisive step to stop completely. One night Sandy dreamt that she could pull the skin on her chest over her head as if she were taking off a turtleneck sweater. Now she could peer into her own lungs. They were black from smoking, and she realized with horror that cigarette butts were embedded in them. From that moment on, Sandy knew that she desired change for herself, not just for her boyfriend. Her dream had enabled her to “look inside herself.” She used this surrealistic vision as her motivator to stop smoking for good. Habit change guru Stephen Covey tells us, “Begin with the end in mind.” If you can imagine how your life would be better after your desired change, you can move toward that future, step by step. Try This Visualize your life 5 years from now with your current habit. What do you see? Then visualize what it could be like to no longer have your habit. Now what do you see? Compare the future you would have with your habit with the future you would have without it.

M otivator #7: B e coming a Le ader or Positive Role M o del After her husband died of colon cancer, Katie Couric, the TV news personality, made it her personal mission to spread the word that colonoscopies could prevent colon cancer. To make her point in a dramatic way, she had a colonoscopy live on national television. As a result, colonoscopy rates leaped by over 20%. Couric became a role model for countless Americans, probably saving thousands of lives. You, too, are a role model, whether you intend to be or not. Within your circle of friends and family, you are a celebrity. Younger children

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in your family, your peers, and even those older than you are may look up to you as someone to imitate and follow. When they see you overeat, smoke, or drink, what do they think? If you can turn your habit around, you could become a positive role model for them. The conscious desire to become a positive role model for others can be a mighty motivator for your habit change. Many people decide to quit smoking or drinking because they want to provide a good example for their children. A grandmother I know is training herself to stop shrieking, “S--t!” when she drops something so her granddaughter won’t imitate her! Changing your life in a positive way can make you a hero in your own family and social group. Research shows that there is a ripple effect from your change that often inspires others to change as well. Try This: Finish This Sentence “If I could change my habit, I could provide a good example for ______________________.”

M otivator #8: Spiritualit y By spirituality, I mean a belief in the importance of connecting with your true self, with other people, and with a force greater than yourself. This greater force can be nature, your conscience, a “higher power,” your motivators, Good, or God. Spirituality helps you find a balance between a focus on yourself and a focus on others, between living your individual life and living your life as a member of Planet Earth. Many people follow a religion as part of their spirituality. But you don’t need to join a religious community to become more spiritual; you can create a personal spirituality. Some nonreligious people use meditation to connect with their deepest self, for example, and to heal the wounds of daily living through deep relaxation. Both prayer and meditation can reduce the stress that makes us prone to taking up negative habits. Nature lovers know how a walk in the woods or by the sea can revive the spirit. Many individuals in the helping professions discover a spiritual satisfaction in devoting themselves to helping others. Like all motivators, spirituality can be misused. The religious wars over the centuries attest to that. But if it is used to connect us to each other, rather than to divide us from each other, spirituality can become a force for good and help us change in a healthy direction.

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Try This: Finish This Sentence “My spirituality could inspire me to change by ____________.” W h en Yo u r Motivato rs A re Less Th a n Noble The Eight Great Motivators can inspire you to take the high road to change. But what if you are motivated by something that doesn’t sound so noble? Many less-than-noble motivators can spur you to change. Humorist David Sedaris claims that he quit smoking so he could stay in fancy “no-smoking” hotels. This may not be one of the Eight Great Motivators, but it’s just fine by me. Whatever it takes! A prime example of a less-than-noble motivator is vanity. Winston Churchill called vanity “the vice that promotes so many virtues.” Churchill has my number! When I quit smoking, my motivators were health and long life, but I was also strongly motivated by vanity—fresher breath, whiter teeth, and the fact that my smoky scent was not an attractive perfume. Vanity can motivate other healthy actions, such as using sunscreen daily. Sure, you’re avoiding skin cancer, but you’re also thwarting unsightly wrinkles and age spots later on. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of vanity as a motivator, just relabel it as a part of self-respect. What about a value or goal like “I’ll show them”? “Proving they were wrong about me” may not be the noblest value in the universe, but it seems to be a potent motivator for many people. If you’re motivated by this value, you’re probably OK as long as you believe that “living well is the best revenge.” If you are tempted to engage in acts of retaliation, violence, or punishment, however, you are tilting over to the dark side. Unfortunately, some people are motivated by negative values—values that harm themselves or others. Greed, cruelty, selfishness, revenge, and their ilk can certainly motivate many people, but I trust you will turn away from that path and cultivate your higher motivators. To sum up, less-than-perfect motivators are fine unless they hurt someone else—including you. Good motivators don’t have to be pure to be effective. Th e Bi g Pic tu re At some point in your life, someone probably told you, “Focus on the big picture.” Maybe you wondered exactly what the “big picture”

Th i n k B i g

was. Now you know. It’s putting your motivators first, because they make your life worth living, give you a sense of purpose, and brighten your future. Motivators give you something to wake up for. Like making a habit change, living a life guided by your motivators happens over time, not all at once. And your choice of motivators may change over time, as you change. Still, as your motivators become stronger, you will find that you acquire an internal compass that can guide your decisions. You will be able to push aside the small stuff and focus on the big stuff, because your motivators tell you what the big stuff is. They may even be clues to your life’s purpose or to the next step on your personal spiritual journey. Your motivators help you both to say “no” to your bad habit and to say “yes” to something better. Start letting yourself know what your motivators are. Start telling others about them. Once you allow yourself to become fully aware of what’s really important to you, you’ve taken a giant step toward the changepower mindset. Try This: Finish These Sentences “My main motivator is _______________. Another meaningful motivator that could also spur on my change is ____________.”

Phillip’s Story

“How I Stopped Smoking to Help a Friend” I’ve been a nonsmoker for 50 years. I’m 89 now. Here’s how I stopped. Back in the 1950s, I had a friend named Al. He was head of the bookkeeping and accounting department at the company where I was a vice president. He was overweight and a smoker; I guess now we would say he was a heart attack waiting to happen. It did happen. He was in his late 40s, and his heart attack was a severe one. He was in the hospital for several weeks. During that time I took over his responsibilities, so that when he came back he wouldn’t feel overloaded. When he returned several weeks later, he told me that his doctor had advised him to quit smoking. He was having trouble doing it.

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So I said to him, “Al, you’ve really got to quit.” He said, “Well, if you’ll quit with me, I’ll quit for 3 weeks and we’ll see what happens.” I said, “You’ve got a deal—we’ll quit smoking for 3 weeks.” For 3 weeks, Al looked over at me at my desk to make sure I wasn’t smoking. And I would look over at him at his desk to make sure that he wasn’t smoking. Neither of us smoked during that period of time. I did wonder if he cheated in the evenings, but I had no way of knowing. So I just stopped. I had no cravings at all, strangely enough. Well, perhaps a little bit, the first day or two. I would miss the cigarettes after lunch. But I had been coughing a little bit from smoking, and I didn’t like that. I had smoked for 8 or 10 years, and it was affecting my health. After 3 weeks, Al went back to smoking—he couldn’t stay away. Several weeks later he got sick again with heart problems. He died at a very young age. I don’t think there was ever any intention in Al’s mind to quit smoking. There was an intention in my mind to quit, and I did. I stayed away from smoking entirely. I wanted to quit anyhow, so this was a good opportunity to do so. Helping friends and family is a strong motivation for me. Anything I can do to help, I’ll do. I can attest to the fact that Phillip was motivated by love of friends and family, because Phillip was my father. He died in 2003 at the age of 91.

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5

Pump Up Your Motivation

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. ~ Dale Carnegie

Yo u r M i n dSe t abo ut Motivatio n Now you have a motivator, but can you get it to motivate you? This is an important question. Many people believe they lack motivation. Others believe they possess a set amount of motivation that can’t be changed. Still others don’t really know how to motivate themselves. Let’s take a look at your mindset about motivation. Write T if you think the statement below is true. Mark F if you think the statement is false.

1. ___ “Motivation is either something you have or something you don’t.” 2. ___ “A person has about the same amount of motivation at all times.” 95

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3. ___ “Motivation should flow naturally from within; you shouldn’t have to work at it.” 4. ___ “Now that I’ve chosen a motivator, I will automatically become motivated.” Motivation is either something you have or something you don’t. False. As far as I know, no scientist has yet discovered a “motivation gene.” Motivation isn’t a thing that you have or don’t have, like a kidney. It’s more like a muscle that grows stronger with exercise. A person has about the same amount of motivation at all times. False. Your motivation waxes and wanes depending on your circumstances. If you are discouraged about your habit change, your motivation may decrease. If you feel encouraged, your motivation may increase. You can choose to increase your motivation by using the techniques in the rest of this chapter. Note the word choose. Motivation should flow naturally from within; you shouldn’t have to work at it. False. This is a huge myth! You can increase your motivation by working toward your goal. The more you exercise your motivation, the stronger it becomes. If you neglect your motivation, it will atrophy like an unused muscle. Now that I’ve chosen a motivator, I will automatically become motivated. Partly true. Choosing a motivator probably has made you more determined to change. In that sense, the statement is true. But choosing a motivator is just the first step. You must figure out how to keep your motivator alive and strong.

You can pump up your motivation for change by taking some of the simple actions suggested below. Th e Fast Way to Pum p u p Yo u r Motivatio n Why do so many people decide to change a habit only after a personal tragedy, such as a death, a break-up, or an illness? Charlotte, for example, had attempted to quit smoking numerous times, but she only was able to quit for good after her uncle was diagnosed with cancer. She was so motivated to quit that she had no cravings at all and even became sickened by the smell of smoke. Life-changing events create waves of emotion that can carry a change forward.

P u m p U p Yo u r M o t i v at i o n

Changing a habit cannot just be a “head” decision. To keep the fire of change burning brightly, you must get your heart involved, too. Emotion and motivation both come from the Latin word movere, meaning “to move.” Use emotion to get yourself moving. Fortunately, you don’t need to experience a tragic event or hit bottom in your life before you can spark your motivation with emotion. You can put more life in your motivators right now. You’ve now chosen one of the Eight Great Motivators. But words like family, health, or becoming a positive role model are abstractions. You’ll need to put some flesh and blood into those lofty ideals that you’ve decided to live by. Here’s the best way to breathe life into your motivators: Use a vivid image that touches your heart. Vivid images will charge up your motivators. The more your image evokes strong feelings in you, the higher your motivation will become. Example: Melinda’s motivator was health. To motivate herself, Melinda imagined herself so broken down by her excess weight that she was forced to use a wheelchair. She paired this negative image with a joyous mental movie of traveling happily in Italy, a country she’d always wanted to see, walking vigorously down cobblestone streets. Example: Cassandra’s motivator was family. Her goal was to have more dinners together instead of each person grazing all night in the kitchen. She imagined her children telling her grandchildren, “And even though Momma was so busy, she always had us talk about our day around the dinner table.” Example: Jason’s motivator was self-respect. His goal was to clean and organize his basement, so he could always find the tools he needed. He imagined himself showing off his now well-kept work area to his critical cousin. What vivid script could inspire you to change? Try This Find a powerful visual image to attach to your motivator. If you have a pain motivator, like fear of lung cancer, create a fear-inspiring scenario. Then pair it with a positive scenario that spotlights the good life you’ll lead without your habit.

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Mo re Ways to K eep Motivatio n A live It takes time to build up your devotion to your motivators and apply them to your daily life. These six mini-secrets can help you invigorate your motivators and rev up your changepower.

M ini-S e cret 1: Frame Your H abit Change G o al in a Positive Wa y Instead of “Don’t procrastinate,” tell yourself, “Get things done on time.” Instead of “Quit smoking,” tell yourself, “Keep your lungs young and healthy.” This helps your brain focus on your intentions instead of your problems.

Try This Frame your goal in a positive way. Finish this sentence. “I could think of my habit change goal in this way: ________________.”

M ini-S e cret 2: Write Your M otivator at the Top of Your To - Do List Ever y D a y Anytime you write down your goal and your motivators, you’re helping your brain rewire itself in favor of your desired change.

M ini-S e cret 3: Use Your M otivator as a Guide to D e cision M aking When you need to make a decision, ask yourself, “Which decision keeps me in line with my motivators?” Follow the path that is consistent with your motivators.

M ini-S e cret 4: Talk Ab out Your M otivator Some research shows that telling others about your intentions to change can get you going faster and firm up your intentions to change. In fact, one study found that people who made their New Year’s resolutions public were up to 10 times more likely to achieve their goals than people who kept their goals under wraps. This is an amazing statistic! (On the other hand, many habit changers might choose not

P u m p U p Yo u r M o t i v at i o n

to advertise their habit change when they might meet a “Yeah, I’ve heard that before” reaction. On this issue, know yourself and know when and with whom to share your change goal.)

M ini-S e cret 5: N otice What O ther Pe ople’s Higher M otivators Are In the process, you may gather some good ideas about how to motivate yourself.

M ini-S e cret 6: Take Yourself and Your M otivators S eriously Let yourself know how important your motivators are to you and commit to them. You don’t have to apologize for reaching for something better in your life. Beg i n to Live By Yo u r Motivato r I have a wild idea for you: Bit by bit, alter your daily routine so that you make space for your motivators. For example, if your motivator is health, how would you change mealtimes, free times, and errand times? How would sleeping, talking, playing, and working be different? It’s just possible that your conscious choice of a motivator could bring purpose and direction to your entire life. At the very least, devoting yourself to your higher motivators may fill the time and space formerly devoted to your habit. As you begin to lose interest in your mind-dulling and emotion-numbing habit, you may find that your problem habit may even begin to melt away on its own. Try This: Fill in the Blank “The best way I could make my motivator(s) more powerful is to _________________.”

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Change Your Self-Talk

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

The mind is its own place and it can make hell of heaven or heaven of hell. ~ John Milton

Notic e Yo u r Self-Ta lk Have you ever noticed that you are constantly talking with yourself? No, you’re not crazy. We all carry on an inner conversation almost all the time. This mental chatter is often labeled your “inner dialogue” because various parts of you contribute to the stream of conversation: “Hurry up or you’ll be late.” “I can’t go any faster.” “Maybe after class I’ll ask Dave to have coffee.” “But what if he says no?” “So what if he does?” “She had no right to do that to me.” “Forget about it.” “But …” Underneath the activities of your daily life, you are talking to yourself about your habit, too. On one side of the dialogue is your negative inner voice, pelting you with discouraging messages, such as the following: • “You have too much stress in your life to change your habit.” • “What’s the use? You’re just not strong enough to change.” • “You’re just like your father.” 10 0

C h a n g e Yo u r S e l f -Ta l k

Think of this self-talk as the voice of your inner critic. Watch out for it, because its hurtful comments can suck the life out of your habit change. Just a few choice words from your inner critic and you can feel depressed and pessimistic all day. It’s that powerful. Your inner critic may verbally abuse you by labeling you “stupid” or “hopeless.” Its negative thinking can even be habit forming. It can feel good to nurse a negative thought, because then you’re relieved of the responsibility of trying to change. Fortunately, there’s also a motivating part of you that knows how to cheer you on when life gets hard. With a little work and practice, you can strengthen this part and mold it into an encouraging inner friend. By inner friend, I mean the part of you that wants you to live a good life and that can keep your thinking motivational. A good inner friend can counter your negative self-talk with hopeful and encouraging ideas: • “Even though you’re stressed out, you could take one small step forward.” • “You don’t have to go it alone. It’s OK to get help.” • “You can choose to be different from your dad.” How can you turn up the volume on the hopeful, encouraging voice and turn down the volume on the despairing, negative one? C h a n ge Yo u r Self-Ta lk Use a powerful technique called changing your self-talk. Other labels for this technique include counterthinking, changing your inner dialogue, and, for the psychology-minded, cognitive restructuring. (Cognitive simply means thinking. So, cognitive restructuring literally means “restructuring your thinking.”) Whatever label you use, if you practice changing your self-talk, I can promise you that you’ll become a master of the art of motivating yourself. To change your self-talk, use this three-step process: Step 1. Catch the harmful, unrealistic, and self-defeating thoughts you may be “whispering” to yourself. Step 2. Challenge those thoughts. How true are they really? Step 3. Change those thoughts into more healthy, realistic, and encouraging messages. A good shorthand way to remember these three steps is with the slogan “Catch it, challenge it, change it.”

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Step 1: Catch Your Thoughts Because many of your habit-related thoughts, like your habit itself, are only semiconscious, your first job is to become aware. Remember when you learned to wake up from your habit trance? Use that aware part of yourself to catch your thoughts as they roll by in your head. Learn to hear yourself think. What exactly are you whispering to yourself about changing your habit? Imagine that there is a “thought bubble” floating above your head like the one you see in the comic books. What’s in that thought bubble? You’ll probably find a self-defeating thought lurking in your mind like one of these: “I won’t have any fun without my habit.” “I don’t have enough willpower to change.” “If I can’t change this time, I may as well give up.” “When I am stressed, I need my habit to cope.” When you catch yourself falling for these demotivating thoughts, remember this phrase that I recently saw on a bumper sticker: “Don’t believe everything you think.”

Step 2: Challenge Your Thinking Now you’ve “caught” some self-defeating thoughts. Some of these thoughts subtly give you permission to continue practicing your habit. Others set you up for failure. Just noticing these thoughts may be enough in itself to neutralize them and take away their power. If not, here are some ways to challenge each of the thoughts above: • “I won’t have any fun without my habit.” “There are other ways to enjoy life besides my habit. And much as I love my habit, lately it’s been giving me as much pain as pleasure. My habit makes me feel good for the moment, but I could regret it in the long run.” • “I don’t have enough willpower to change.” “It’s true that I’ve been weak in the past, but with practice I could develop the strength to change. Knowing my motivators could help keep me strong. Besides, it takes more than willpower to change a habit. If I falter, I could use changepower and get support.”

C h a n g e Yo u r S e l f -Ta l k

• “If I can’t change this time, I might as well give up.” “It’s ridiculous to think that just because I am not successful this time, I should completely give up. Change doesn’t take place in an instant. If I don’t succeed, I could just revise my plan for change and try again.” • “When I’m stressed, I need my habit to cope.” “There are lots of ways to cope with stress. I could learn better ways.” You can challenge your thoughts like a wily lawyer, poking holes in your false “reasons” to stick with your habit. But you can also challenge your thoughts with compassion, as you did when you sympathized with your past self who chose your habit as a method of self-care. For example, you could tell yourself, “Of course I think of my habit as my only way to enjoy life. It helped me through a difficult period. But now I have more emotional resources.” The more you can surround your negative thinking with compassion, the easier it will be to dissolve it and move on.

Step 3: Change It! In this step, you deliberately reshape your self-defeating self-talk into motivating self-talk. Make it short and sweet. If you need some ideas, take a look at the examples in the “Discouraging Self-Talk, Motivating Self-Talk” table. Feel free to use them if they fit you. If not, replace them with your own encouraging thoughts. Discouraging Self-Talk

Motivating Self-Talk

“There’s nothing that gives me as much pleasure as my habit.” “I don’t have enough willpower to change.” “If I can’t change this time, I may as well give up.” “When I am stressed, I need my habit to cope.”

“The pleasure of my habit costs too much.” “If I can’t change on my own, I can change with support.” “I can learn from my setbacks and try again.” “I can learn to cope with stress in other ways.”

Sometimes you can deceive yourself with arguments that sound very sophisticated, even positive. Take Barry, who told himself, “I love life too much to monitor my eating and drinking.” To this, consider telling yourself, “You can love life better when you’re alive.” Julie told herself, “At this point in life, I’m just going to accept myself.”

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Yes, there are some situations where exercising your “acceptance power” is part of a healthy mindset, but having a destructive habit is not one of them. If you fall victim to this tricky thought, tell yourself, “I can accept myself without accepting my habit.” Mark was proud of his tough fatalism: “We’ve all got to go sometime.” Instead of this thought, you could tell yourself, “It’s true we’ve all got to go sometime. But I’m not ready just yet!” If you have restructured your thinking, you may notice that your emotions change, too. You begin to feel more hopeful. You begin to feel more determined. These feelings are the signs that you have done some good work on yourself. Your mind has changed your brain, and, odd as that may sound, it’s true. As you reshape your self-talk about your habit, you will notice that negative thoughts may continue to plague you. It’s natural for your old thoughts to “pop back up.” Your old way of thinking is also a habit, and thinking habits are as slow to change as behavior habits—maybe slower. Just notice your old thought without judging yourself or getting discouraged. You could even tell yourself, “There’s that old thought again. It’s really strong.” Then counter it with your new and better self-talk. Slogans or “mantras” are good replacements for negative or habitpromoting thoughts. When you notice stale thinking patterns that puff up your bad habit, try repeating one of these mantras to create a more positive mind-set: “I will find a better way.” “Whatever happens, I can cope.” “I’ve done it before; I can do it again.” You could even write these thoughts on sticky notes and decorate your house with them. “I never realized how much mental work it would take to change my habit,” my student Maya commented. “I just thought I had to change my behavior.” This student learned that changing her thinking paved the way to changing her habit. You, too, will find that changing your self-talk can change your habit—and your life. Try This: Write Down Your New Motivating Thoughts To counter your old thinking habits, write down your new motivating thoughts on 3” × 5” cards. Pull these cards out, and read them when you start becoming the victim of demotivating thinking. You could even recite them to yourself until you memorize them.

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7

Dare to Decide

Springboard Precontemplation ⇒⇒Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

[Y]ou only need one decisive act of free will to transform the course of your own life. ~ Jill Ker Conway

A re Yo u Re a dy to C h a n ge? Speaker 1: “I’m so ready! I can’t wait to make a plan and get moving.” Speaker 2: “Well, that depends on what you mean by ‘ready’!” You might be ready to dive into change this second. Or, maybe you’re excited about moving forward but still feel anxious or uncertain. Don’t worry if there’s still a part of you that doesn’t want to change. As long as you are 60% in favor of change, you can coax the other 40% of you along. Doubts are normal and will fade away in time. I recommend that you decide to change despite your lingering doubts. Otherwise you’ll end up back in the Precontemplation Stage, still a slave to your habit. Or you could bog down in the Contemplation Stage, torn between changing and not changing for a lifetime. Instead, dare to decide! 10 5

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Ti p th e Ba l a n c e with a Pros a n d Co ns List If you are still seesawing about change, there are a few things you can do to tip the balance. Some people need to see the balance sheet of change in black and white. If this sounds like you, make a “pros and cons” list. Copy the worksheet at the end of this chapter (or just use your journal). Think of the “pro” side of the list as “the advantages of changing my problem habit” and the “con” side as “the disadvantages of changing my problem habit.” On the “pro” side, write down these things: • Pain motivators that are pushing you toward change • Positive motivators (the Eight Great Motivators) that are pulling you toward a better life • Any other advantages to change for you • Any advantages to changing for key people in your life In the “con” column, write all the disadvantages of change you can think of. Possible “cons” of changing might include these: • • • • •

Dealing with cravings Finding a new way to relieve stress Missing your habit Any other disadvantages for you Any disadvantages for key people in your life

Your list might look like this: Pros of Slimming Down

Cons of Slimming Down

Avoid pain: won’t feel embarrassed about my looks or feel tired all the time. Motivator: self-respect; good role-model for my children. Less danger of heart trouble, diabetes, stroke. Whole family will eat healthier.

Will need to buy healthy snacks and remember to take them to work. Will probably feel deprived; will need to cope with cravings. Kids might protest if there are fewer snack foods around house.

Is the balance tipping toward change? If not, raise your awareness higher with the help of a little research. Even if you have already decided to change, it’s helpful to gather more knowledge about your habit while you are moving through the Contemplation Stage.

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Because your brain chemistry is loaded like a pair of crooked dice in favor of your problem habit, you may have conveniently “forgotten” some of the problems your habit brings in its wake. Listing all the facts, or as many as possible, can give you a wakeup call. Here are some juicy and terrifying facts that my students uncovered as they researched their habits on the Internet: • Jim discovered that binge-drinking can lead to death from alcohol poisoning. He was alarmed to learn that for some people, 10 drinks or less can push blood alcohol to toxic levels. (http:// well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/08/drinking-to-extremes-tocelebrate-21/) • Sally and her husband, both smokers, had been trying to get pregnant for some time. When Sally researched her habit, she discovered that most scientific studies show that smoking lowers fertility in both men and women. Smoking can harm a woman’s ovaries and lower a man’s sperm count. (http://www. asrm.org/Patients/FactSheets/smoking.pdf) • Max was trying to eliminate a soda habit that was putting on the pounds and draining his pocketbook. When one website described soda as “liquid candy,” he woke up to the reality of what he was putting into his body. (www.cspinet.org) • To look and feel better, Roxanne decided to work on good posture but still found herself slumping. Then she read that the key to success was strengthening her core (trunk) muscles to support her spine. (http://health.yahoo.com/back-overview/corestabilization/healthwise--zt1226.html) You can also research your habit by talking to people or reading. As you discover the facts or refresh your memory about why your habit change will help you, add those facts to your pros and cons list. Keep adding until you genuinely persuade yourself that it’s time to change. Like Roxanne, you may even discover how to change. Just like habits, websites, people, and books can be either “true friends” or “false friends.” Some websites on the world “wild” Web actually promote the very habits you are trying to shed. Websites that advocate anorexia, the eating disorder with the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, are particularly sickening in this regard. Consider the source when you get advice.

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D eci d e with Yo u r H e a rt If your pros and cons list has helped you decide, more power to you! Personally, I’ve never been able to make a decision without getting my heart into it. If you tend to make decisions with your heart, maybe asking yourself these three questions will tip the balance:

1. What is really important to me? You can make your bad habit more important than your motivators, or you can make your motivators more important than your habit. 2. What kind of person do I want to become? You can become a person guided by your bad habit or a person guided by your motivators. 3. What kind of life do I want to lead? You can use your bad habit as a guide to your future, or you can use your motivators as a guide to your future. How do you want to answer these questions?

M a k e a Vow If you’ve decided to change, there’s just one more thing you might want to do: Make a vow. I learned this secret by listening to the stories of successful habit changers. A common element to their stories was the phrase “I made a vow.” Anya, a psychiatrist, had struggled all her life with her fear of public speaking. She said, “I wanted to educate people about mental health. I made a vow to give at least one talk a year so I could gradually overcome my fear.” A woman who was motivated to quit smoking after the death of a parent said, “And after she died, I made a vow that I would not abandon my own children because of cigarettes.” A man who drove under the influence and almost killed someone said, “I vowed to abstain entirely; that was when I went to AA.” So, make a promise to yourself. Your vow will give you the emotional energy to make a plan for change—the major task of the Preparation Stage. Many people find that they can leave their habit behind more easily if they say goodbye. One way to do this is to write a letter to your old habit, thanking it for all it did for you and explaining why you must move on. Or you could create a ritual, burning all your old cigarettes

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in the fireplace, for example. Of course, if you just need to say, “Good riddance,” instead of “Goodbye,” that’s OK too. If you can honestly tell yourself, “I am now willing to change,” you have successfully traveled through the Contemplation Stage. You have arrived at the Preparation Stage. Try This: Your Pros and Cons List Use your journal or the worksheet below to weigh out the advantages and disadvantages of change. In the process, you’ll get the facts about your habit. Sometimes educating yourself can give you the wake-up call you need.

W E I GH I NG YO UR DEC ISI O N

The Pros and Cons List Directions Focus on the good things about changing your problem habit, and write them under the “pros” list below. Then consider the not-sogood things about changing, and write them under the “cons” side of the list. PROS of Changing My Habit

CONS of Changing My Habit

Now add to your Pros and Cons List as you research your habit on the Internet, in books, or by talking with others. Focus on the “PROS (Advantages)” of changing; the more advantages you come up with, the more you’ll see the need to change. On the Internet, you could start with my website, www.changepower.net. Click on “Specific Habit Links” at the top.

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Sectio n

IV

The Preparation Stage Use Plan Power

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Use plan power, not willpower. ~ Coretta, student

Th e Pow er o f a Pl a n “I’m ready to go for it!” It’s amazing how far you’ve come. You sense a new determination in yourself. Now that you’ve discovered your motivators, you are aware of why you want to change.

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But how will you change? You find the answer to that question in the Preparation Stage. In this stage your major task is this: Make a plan. Lack of planning is a major reason why many people’s New Year’s resolutions fizzle out like leftover champagne within three weeks. They try to plunge into the Action Stage without a game plan. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a setback. Remember, people who try and fail are still more likely to succeed than those who haven’t tried at all. But to get the best start on your change, draw up a change plan. My student Coretta was in despair because she thought she lacked the willpower to change her overeating habit and control her diabetes. But she created an awesome change plan. She found substitutes for every single sugary product that she normally ate and stored them in her house and car. By the end of class, she realized she didn’t really need much willpower because she had “plan power.” Like Coretta, you can develop plan power whether you have willpower or not. A good plan is just the rules that you set for yourself to reach your goal. If that word rules makes you cringe, call them guidelines. If you are likely to rebel against rules, make sure that your plan gives you some pleasure and fun as well as some limits. Your plan doesn’t have to be perfect. Waiting until you devise the “perfect” plan will just delay your change. Aim for a good-enough change plan that can give you a running start. Then expect to alter your plan as you learn what flies and what flops. Writing down your rules is a good self-control technique. A written list of rules keeps you from slithering away from your goal. But it’s also fine to have a mental plan that you don’t write down. Just make sure you’ve tattooed your rules clearly on your brain. Se t Yo u r C h a n ge Day It won’t take long to read this section. So set a Change Day right now, say, one to two weeks from today. This will be your quit day for smoking or drinking or the day you put your exercise plan into effect. Giving yourself a deadline will increase your chances for success. Without a deadline, you might dilly-dally around instead of taking advantage of your forward momentum. If you want to quit smoking, start cutting down now. By change day, you should only be smoking five cigarettes or less, so you won’t be tormented by cravings once you quit. If you prefer nicotine replacement therapy, design your plan with your doctor’s help.

Th e P r epa r at i o n Stag e

The secrets of successful navigation through the Preparation Stage are as follows: Preparation Secret 1: Think small: Start your change with a gentle mini-goal. Preparation Secret 2: Build your plan with these 12 super-tools. Preparation Secret 3: Back up wimpy willpower with key supertools. Preparation Secret 4: Recruit a support team. Preparation Secret 5: Give yourself a mental vaccination. Preparation Secret 6: Make your plan—and tweak it as you go.

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Think Sm all Start Your Change With a Ge ntle Mini- G oal

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. ~ Mark Twain

“ Wa r m Tu rk e y” I was flabbergasted when my student Lillian told me how she lost 40 pounds.

Lillian’s Story

“Eating in Bed” Some years ago I acquired the habit of eating in bed while watching movies. My nightly routine was to consume soda, chips, and chocolate candy. I can’t believe I actually ate all this every single night.

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Obviously this routine was a recipe for weight gain. Sure enough, one day my doctor informed me that I had gained 40 pounds. That was when I decided to eliminate all junk food from my late-night diet. I decided to get rid of one bad habit at a time. I started with the soda. I began diluting the soda with water; that changed the taste enough to make me want it less. Sometimes I drank juice or Kool-Aid as a substitute. Eventually I got myself to a point where I was able to enjoy plain water once again. Next I decided to work on the chips problem. I began substituting the chips I liked with chips I didn’t really care for. I also began cutting down on my portion of chips. Last, but not least, I had to give up my beloved chocolate candy. My rule was “Either substitute other candies for my chocolate OR eat less of my favorite chocolate candy.” This habit took about 2 years to change. The result: I slowly lost the extra 40 pounds that I had gained. I was really proud of my change, and the small steps made it much less painful for me to give up my nightly goodies. What a success story! Lillian has surely earned the Habit Change Oscar for “longest time to change a habit!” And she did it all by using a series of teensy mini-goals. We’ve all heard of the “cold turkey” approach to quitting drugs or alcohol—just stop the habit instantly and white-knuckle it through the withdrawal that follows. There are times when this approach makes sense, especially with supervised withdrawal from dangerous addictions. But there is also a “warm turkey” approach to changing a habit, as Lillian’s story shows. Some of us do better when we change a habit step by step, rather than all at once. This gradual approach helps us loosen the bonds of attachment to our habit. We can convince ourselves that we can indeed live without it. A few people can transform their habit in an instant, as you know. But if you feel too overwhelmed by the idea of dramatic change, you may end up doing nothing about your habit. So, as you enter the Preparation Stage, try this essential skill: Divide your habit change goal into small, bite-sized pieces. In other words, think small.

Th i n k S m a l l

Th i n k sma ll: Fi n d a gentle mi n i - g oa l You’ve chosen one or two mighty motivators to guide you through your habit change—this is the why of your change. You also have a goal—the what of your change, a goal like “to breathe free” (quit smoking), “lose 20 pounds,” or “save enough for a down payment on a nice house.” Try This Write down your ultimate change goal (some call it your end goal), or get it clear in your mind: ______________________ ____________________________. This is the long-range goal you hope to accomplish.

But how do you take a giant goal like “lose 20 pounds” or “save enough for a down payment” and break it down into doable steps? The answer is this: Start with a mini-goal. A “mini-goal” is a tiny goal that you are willing to set for yourself. An ideal mini-goal is small, specific, and fairly easy to achieve. Some examples of possible mini-goals for a variety of habits are as follows: • “I will study for the test from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. this Tuesday at the library.” • “Today I will call the AA number to find a meeting close to my house.” • “I will write down possible times to exercise this week in my planner.” • “Today I will put $25 in my savings account.” • “I will make an appointment with my doctor to ask about the nicotine patch.” • “Today I will pay bills for 15 minutes.” Mini-goals can also take the form of harm reduction steps: “No smoking around children.” They can be experiments: “Drink water instead of buying soda at work.” They can be rehearsal steps: “Make a counseling appointment to practice talking to Tom about what’s bothering me.” There’s no end to gentle and creative mini-goals that could nudge you forward.

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Try This: Finish This Sentence “To begin my change, I could set this mini-goal: _____________ _______________________________________________.”

M a k e it “SM A RT” Because we love our bad habits, it’s easy to delude ourselves that we are improving when we aren’t. If someone asked you how you were doing with your healthy eating goal, for example, you might reply, “Oh, I think I’m doing a little better,” even though you might not have changed anything specific. You just want to be doing better. Mini-goals must be specific enough to know whether we have met them or not. To make your goal muscular instead of mushy, write it down and make it SMART. SMART is an acronym that stands for specific, meaningful, action-oriented, realistic, and time-based. Notice how SMART all the examples of mini-goals are in the bulleted list above. If you can’t remember what all the letters in SMART stand for, just remember this one: specific. Setting a goal that is as specific as possible is a reasonable guideline for your big goals and your mini-goals. Use the following table to get a sense of whether a goal is vague or SMART: Goal

Vague or SMART?

Make it SMARTER!

“To save more”

Vague—the amount you want to save is not specified.

“I will put $20 a week into my savings account.”

“To improve my eating habits”

Vague—your specific eating goals need to be detailed.

“I will have only one 100-calorie sugary snack per day.”

“To exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week”

SMART—a very specific goal (although not a mini-goal!).

“To study math one hour a day in the math lab, Monday through Friday”

SMART.

To make this goal even more time-based, specify when to exercise: “every morning.” Specify when to study—“between 1 and 2 p.m. daily.”

Th i n k S m a l l

Your end goal also needs to be very specific, like your mini-goal. “To lose weight” is much too vague. Trying to achieve this vague goal would be like climbing a mountain without knowing where the summit was. Be SMART and make your goal specific—“To lose 20 pounds by January 1 of next year.” Making all your goals specific is another way to help yourself to more changepower. To Ac h i e ve Yo u r M i n i - g oa l , M a k e a M i n i - Pl a n Sometimes when you set a mini-goal, the plan for achieving it is obvious. For example, “Today I will study math for one hour between 1 and 2 p.m. in the math lab.” That’s both a mini-goal and a mini-plan. But at other times you will need to consciously think up a mini-plan in order to achieve your mini-goal. This mini-plan will tell you how you intend to change. For example, suppose you decide that you will walk on Tuesday morning for 20 minutes. To make sure you follow through, make a mini-plan. Your mini-plan could be as simple as deciding to wake up a half hour earlier or to set out your workout clothes the night before. These mini-decisions are important. By devising a mini-goal, you’ve planted the intention to exercise in your mind. By devising a mini-plan, you’ve prepared for it. You are going through the stages of change in miniature. Try This: Finish This Sentence “I could reach my mini-goal if I followed this mini-plan: ______ _______________________________________________.” Sometimes you can’t get your mini-goal up and running. If this happens, don’t get down on yourself. Just think about what went wrong and how you could make it right. Do you need a different motivator? Was your mini-goal really a maxi-goal? Was your mini-plan unrealistic? What could have made your effort more successful? Even if your mini-goal was a bust, you now have more information about what works for you and what doesn’t. Think of it as a dress rehearsal for the bigger change to follow. Dress rehearsals don’t have to be perfect.

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Sma ll Steps, Bi g Di fferen c es You’re beginning to change with a mini-goal. Will this small change really help? Yes. As you complete one mini-goal and then another, your brain responds by laying down new neural pathways for your desired habit change. Gradually your healthy actions become a habit, without super-human effort or endless agonizing on your part. A pebble thrown into the water can create huge ripples. Your small changes can create larger ripples in your life, too. A small change in how you organize your office can increase your efficiency and productivity—no more lost bills that you spend hours searching for. A small change in how you treat a child by explaining instead of yelling could mean a lifelong rise in self-esteem for that child. Replacing soda with water could mean a 5-pound weight loss in less than a month. Of course, small negative changes can also make big differences— in the wrong direction. One fancy coffee a day can reduce your billfold by at least $20 a week (the so-called “latte effect”). Adding one small doughnut a day to your diet might mean a 10-pound weight gain over just one year. The moral of the story: Make sure your small changes are positive ones!

Try This: Change a Thinking Habit You can even use mini-goals as a wedge into changing such global goals as “to be less anxious.” Some perspective: First, recognize that all emotions serve a purpose. You wouldn’t want to have NO anxiety and blithely put yourself in life-threatening situations. Second, if you are experiencing any emotion that is overwhelming you to the point where you can’t function, seek help from a professional. These suggestions will help if you are moderately anxious and would like to be a bit less so. First think about what part of your anxiety you could start with. Do you want to stop driving yourself crazy with repeating thoughts? Do you want to approach situations like public speaking with a calmer attitude? Or maybe you’d like to calm yourself down before you visit with your difficult boss. Choose your goal, making it one specific situation about which you feel anxious. (continued)

Th i n k S m a l l

Okay, now set your mini-goal. Some ideas: “Whenever I start obsessing about my husband’s health, I’ll tell myself, ‘This is just another worry attack,’ and distract myself with a pleasant activity for 15 minutes.” “When I worry too much about my daughter, I’ll put one small, helpful action I could take on my to-do list.” “When I feel myself getting nervous when my boss walks by, I’ll take deep, slow breaths.” Now try out your mini-goal and see how it goes. If you find you need help, get it.

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Build Your Pl an With These 12 Super-Tools

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. ~ Abraham Maslow

Use th e Best Too l fo r th e J ob at Ha n d Recently I tried to help a friend build a deck, but I possessed much more enthusiasm than skill. My first assignment was to pull nails out of some old boards so my friend could reuse them without fear of puncturing himself. Using the claw end of a hammer, I struggled to remove the first nail. Finally, with superhuman effort, I succeeded in extracting it. I felt a hand on my back. My friend, who had been watching me with amusement, handed me a crowbar. “I think you’ll find the job much easier with this tool,” he said. Constructing a habit change is also much easier when you use the right tools. In their studies of successful self-changers, habit change 12 2

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researchers discovered the most effective tools and techniques that were used at each stage of change. These tools are so powerful that I’ve dubbed them super-tools. Once you learn a little about the super-tools, you can put them in your toolbox and use them in your change plan. Th e Tw elve Su per-Too l s o f C h a n ge You’ve used the first four super-tools in the Contemplation section of this book. Here are the super-tools that have already helped you get a grip on your change:

Sup er-To ol #1: Awarenes s You used the super-tool of awareness when you made a conscious effort to become more mindful of your habit.

Sup er-To ol #2: S oul -S e arching You used the super-tool of soul-searching when you began thinking about what motivators really mattered to you and why.

Sup er-To ol #3: Emotional Conne ction You used the super-tool of emotional connection when you faced the pain your habit was causing you and other people.

Sup er-To ol #4: Commitment You used the super-tool of commitment when you vowed to use your willpower to change your habit and began setting mini-goals. The next set of super-tools will help you prepare for and act on your change.

Sup er-To ol #5: S afe Environment If you’ve lurched so far out of control that your habit is a danger to you or others, use the tool of safe environment. Putting yourself in a safe place will keep an addictive habit from taking over. You can sign up for a treatment program to stop your alcohol abuse, for instance.

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Sup er-To ol #6: Substitution To use the mighty super-tool of substitution, simply replace your habit thoughts and behaviors with helpful thoughts and behaviors. A good summary of substitution is “Instead of this, try that.” See the “Instead of … Try This …” table. Instead of …

Try this …

Drinking soda Interrupting Using the remote Telling yourself how great your habit is Smoking Drinking Any habit

Drink carbonated water. Take a deep breath. Walk around during commercials. Tell yourself how great your motivator is. Take a walk. Go to an AA meeting. Talk to a friend.

Sup er-To ol #7: Environmental Engine ering Environmental engineering does not require a PhD. It simply means rearranging your environment to promote your change. You can create cues to remind yourself of your new good habit—like keeping a bag of workout clothes in your car. Or you can remove cues that you now associate with your old harmful habit—like throwing a lacy cloth over that time-wasting TV or putting it in a back room. You can help yourself focus on your change with reminders like sticky notes. More examples are in the “To Change This Habit, Change Your Surroundings Like This” table. To Change This Habit:

Change Your Surroundings Like This:

Smoking

Remove all cigarettes and ashtrays from your house and work space. Clean and organize your desk. Avoid your dealer and smoking buddies. Avoid bars and drinking buddies. Use smaller plates to keep portions under control. Leave credit cards at home. Leave sticky notes on all mirrors: “Start bedtime routine at 9 p.m.”

Procrastinating Smoking marijuana Drinking Overeating Overspending Too little sleep

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Environmental engineering is especially important when your change is newborn. You want to protect a newborn good habit from toxic people, places, and things, just as you would protect a newborn baby.

Sup er-To ol #8: Reward Have you ever heard of “Grandma’s law”? It goes like this: “First eat your dinner; then you can have dessert.” Grandma knew an effective secret of self-control: Reward good behavior with something fun. Here are small rewards that you could sprinkle throughout your day: • Tell yourself, “You handled that situation well.” • Tape a favorite TV show while you finish a project, then watch it later. • Take time to bask in the glow of your accomplishment. • Alternate hard and fun work. • Call a friend to chat or meet him for coffee. • Have a “walk break.” Just avoid the pitfall of making your reward another potentially bad habit. Above all, avoid dangerous rewards—rewards linked to your bad habit. If you’re trying to reduce your credit card debt, be suspicious of a reward like “shopping,” for instance. My students excelled at making their rewards fit their goals. After Alicia quit smoking, she decided to get her teeth professionally whitened. When Serena figured out how to get eight hours of good sleep a night, she bought herself a beautiful quilt.

Sup er-To ol #9: Supp or t This super-tool is so critical that I’m giving it its own chapter later. For now, it’s enough to say, “We all need somebody to lean on.” Finding people to help you do what you’ve chosen to do has been the secret to success for many habit changers. Th ree Specia l Too l s The last three super-tools are unusual. You wouldn’t automatically consider them for your toolbox, but think how you could use these powerful strategies.

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Sup er-To ol #10: Distres s Tolerance Distress tolerance means learning to accept a certain amount of pain or stress in your life without turning to your habit for immediate relief. To practice this technique, you “sit with” such difficult emotions as anger, hurt, sadness, fear, and anxiety, recognizing your feelings but not resorting to your habit. You learn to soothe yourself with self-talk that is reassuring and kind, such as reminding yourself that you’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Examples of distress tolerance include the following: • Noticing your cravings without giving into them. (More about this in the Action section.) • Being able to tell yourself, “This is tough, but I can handle it.” • Rejecting the idea that you have to be happy and pain-free all the time. • Soothing yourself with kind self-talk like “You did the best you could.”

Sup er-To ol #11: S elf- Care My friend’s mother told her, “You gotta be a mama to yourself.” A good mama takes care of you and insists on a firm NO when you are about to hurt yourself. This is what you need to do as you give up your destructive habit. For example, you could use these selfcare techniques: • • • •

I could make sure I have time for fun in my schedule. I could get enough sleep every night. I could touch base with friends and family every day. I could ask for help when I need it.

The foundation of true self-care is the belief that you are an important person. When you see yourself as a worthwhile person, you’ll find it easier to take good care of yourself. And the more you take care of yourself, the more you’ll see yourself as worthwhile. It’s a virtuous cycle instead of a vicious one. If you find it hard to have a positive opinion of yourself, please get help. Twelve-step programs use a helpful and memorable self-care technique called “HALT.” HALT stands for what you should never get—too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired. If you are feeling

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sapped by any of these feelings, use the HALT method to make yourself aware that you need to bring self-care into your life ASAP.

Sup er-To ol #12: Imagination Imagination works hand in hand with the other super-tools, especially emotional connection, to make your habit change vivid and important to you. Your imagination is powerful. Consider these uses of imagination: • You can use your imagination to visualize the painful consequences of your habit, such as being suspended from school for poor grades. • You can use your imagination to visualize how much better your life will be without your “false friend,” such as picturing how great you’ll feel and look when you lose the excess pounds. • You can use your imagination to mentally rehearse how you will cope with temptations so you can avoid slips, such as visualizing yourself politely saying, “No thank you,” when the cookies are passed around again. • You can use your imagination to have an inner conversation with yourself. If you feel yourself giving in to a chocolate temptation, you can ask yourself, “Do I really want this? Wait 5 minutes and see.” There’s a lot of overlap among these super-tools, so don’t worry if a particular technique fits into more than one category. According to research, successful habit changers carry a large toolbox. So, follow their lead. To construct your change plan, choose at least three to five super-tools. Relying too heavily on just one supertool would be like building a deck with just a hammer or trimming a hedge with a scissors. It could be done, but why not put more tools in your toolbox? When it comes to stocking up on tools, “the more the merrier” is the best guideline to follow. W hy th e Su per-too l s Wo rk Why are these super-tools so effective? Remember the one thing you need to know about brain chemistry to understand the power of habit: Neurons that fire together, wire together. When you use a supertool, you actually begin to loosen the wiring of those habit neurons that are linked together in your brain. Yes, you may continue to fall

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victim to your habit for a while. But if you keep using the super-tools, your habit will eventually lose its hold on you. This is because of a related principle of brain chemistry: Neurons that fire apart, wire apart. Anything you can do to disrupt your habit patterns will help you make your change. So follow the recommendation of counselor Bill O’Hanlon and “do one thing different.” When you choose to use the super-tools, you are changing your own brain. Isn’t that amazing? Try This: Select the Super-Tools for Your Change Plan In the first column below are eight super-tools most likely to be helpful in the Action Stage of change. You can find examples of each super-tool in the next column. Under “My Ideas,” brainstorm how you might be able to use that tool. Action Super-Tool

Example

Commitment

Set daily mini-goals for healthy eating. Remind myself of my motivators when I am tempted to backslide.

Substitution

Use 2% milk instead of whole milk on cereal and in coffee. Maybe eat hummus and crackers for lunch instead of grilled cheese sandwich?

Environmental engineering

Get rid of the junk food.

Reward

After each day without a cigarette, put $5 in jar for trip.

Support

Vicki is sympathetic. Call her more often.

Distress tolerance

Tell myself, “Cravings just last for a little while.”

Self-care

Free up Wednesday nights for “me time.”

Imagination

Mentally rehearse how I will say no if my friend asks me out on a work night.

My ideas

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Back Up Wimpy Willpower With the Right Super-Tools

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lao-tse

W i llp ow er: Do es It M at ter? “I just don’t have any willpower.” I’ve heard many people say this. Even if it were true that someone could totally lack willpower, you can change without much willpower. So if you have wimpy willpower, don’t worry. You can beef it up. Or you can just accept your willpower as it is and use other tools to back it up. Let’s start by seeing if you can increase your willpower. First, what is “willpower”? Is it someone scrunching up their face, clenching their fists, and chanting, “I won’t eat more cookies, I won’t eat more cookies”? Maybe. Willpower is a subtool of that great super-tool, commitment. I define it this way: “Willpower is using only the thought of your motivators to control your actions.” So if the person chanting, “I will not eating more 12 9

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cookies,” was thinking about his motivators while he was chanting, he was using his willpower. If not, he was using his won’t-power. Here are some examples of willpower: Laura controlled her cravings for cigarettes by reminding herself of her motivators—long life and healthy active living. She would also think of her uncle with emphysema, lugging an oxygen tank with him wherever he went. Melinda’s extra 50 pounds were affecting her ability to walk. She had bad knees from carrying too much weight around. To motivate herself, she imagined herself moving blithely around her house. She also scared herself straight by visualizing herself in a wheelchair if she didn’t change. Tim had never been able to buckle down and study. He usually withdrew from his classes around midsemester. But this semester he used his motivators—self-respect and the desire for a longterm relationship with a woman—to keep himself in school. He pictured himself chatting with an attractive single woman and saying, “I’m a full-time student in the occupational therapy program.” Each person above used their willpower to bring their motivators to mind. But there’s more to it. Notice that Laura, Melinda, and Tim all used the super-tool of imagination to make their motivators more real. Could it be that people who have strong willpower really just have strong imaginations? I think this strange idea could be true! In any event, it’s almost impossible to even talk about willpower without linking it to other supertools. There’s no such thing as “pure” willpower. If you’re already using your motivators to control your habit, more power to you. But if the idea of exercising willpower like this sounds like something from a dream world, you’ll be relieved to discover how the other super-tools can tone up flabby willpower. Bac k U p Yo u r W i llp ow er The playwright Oscar Wilde wrote, “I can resist everything but temptation.”

B ac k U p W i m p y W i l l p o w e r W i t h

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If you, like Oscar Wilde, handle temptation by giving in to it, just back up your willpower with other super-tools. The supertools below can bolster your change even when your willpower has deserted you.

Environmental Engine ering If you can’t resist temptation, remove it! Habit changers intuitively know this. People who quit smoking start by removing all cigarettes, ashtrays, and butts from their house, car, and work environments. People who want to lose weight toss out fatty snack foods. Removing anything that triggers an old bad habit just makes sense. By doing a baseline, you already discovered your own temptation triggers. You can also use environmental engineering to set up cues for developing a positive habit. For example, if you want to study more, create a comfortable work space. Adding something new and different to your surroundings will trigger new actions.

Supp or t Whenever your willpower flags, wield the mighty super-tool of support. How comforting it is to call a good friend when you are feeling out of control, discouraged, or anxious! Tim, for example, learned to stop his evening food binges with a phone call to a TOPS (“Take Off Pounds Sensibly”) support group member.

Reward Add in some simple rewards when willpower is not enough. My colleague Jeff told me that his wife motivates him to get on the treadmill by giving him a dollar for every 20 minutes of walking. “You would think such a puny reward would not be motivating,” he mused to me one day, “but I find myself working for that dollar anyway.”

S afe Environment Put yourself in a situation where you can’t hurt yourself or other people. When your habit is in the driver’s seat and breaking the speed limit, willpower won’t do you much good. Recognize that you need help and make a call—to your therapist, your doctor, a treatment program, or a hotline. Refer back to Precontemplation Secret 5 for specifics.

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W i llp ow er + Su per-Too l s = Su cc ess Food psychologist Brian Wansink wanted to find out if people would eat less if they had to work harder to get food. He designed an experiment to find out. For one week, he placed chocolate candy (30 Hershey’s Kisses, to be exact) on the desks of a group of secretaries. The second week, he put the candy in each of their desk drawers. The last week, he stashed the candy six feet away in a filing cabinet. The more effort required to get at the chocolate, the less the secretaries ate. Just using that little bit of environmental engineering seemed to help the secretaries resist the chocolate! You could argue that the secretaries were lazy. But how many people who love chocolate would let a measly 6 feet stand in their way? I think there’s a different reason why putting the chocolate 6 feet away was helpful. Many secretaries mentioned that when the candy was far away, they would think twice before they snatched another candy. Those few seconds of thinking, made possible by the super-tool of environmental engineering, were enough to activate their willpower. This example shows that willpower is not something you either have or you don’t. Willpower works best in partnership with other super-tools. My friend Joan is a “habit change idol.” Her willpower is stronger than a thousand suns. But recently she confessed that she can’t keep ice cream in the house because it might trigger an eating binge. My idol uses environmental engineering to assist her willpower. If you look closely at successful habit changers, I think you’ll find that they, too, back up their willpower with other super-tools. After all, it takes a lot of energy to use willpower alone. Why not minimize temptation and smooth out the bumps in the road of change? The bottom line: If you are willing to change, you can find ways to do it without much willpower. You just need enough willpower to know why you’ve decided to change, so you can find the right how. Try this: Finish This Sentence “When willpower isn’t working for me, I could back it up by ____ _______________________________________________.”

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Surround Yourself With Support

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

I’ve never been able to do anything good for myself unless someone else has forced me to do it. ~ Anonymous

Yo u r Su pp o rt Te am I once saw an Oprah show on how to get out of debt. Three couples agreed to go on a “debt diet” to reverse their overspending habits. The couples had the best support possible—a team of Oprah’s financial experts. These experts did everything. They demonstrated ways to lower credit card interest rates. They made budgets. They went shopping for groceries with the couples. As I watched, I thought enviously, “I wish my students could have this kind of support for their habit changes.” Don’t you wish that you, too, could have a team of experts by your side guiding you as you struggle to overcome your habit? Actually, you can. True, your advisors might not be famous TV personalities and authors. But in the Preparation Stage, you can begin to assemble a top-quality team of supporters to help you change. 13 3

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Support is the key super-tool for many habit changers, because we human beings need warm, caring relationships to sustain us in our lives. In fact, just talking with kind and attentive people can calm the fear center of our brains (the amygdala) so that we can open up to learning new ideas and habits. This is one reason why therapy is so effective. When you need help with your change, you can do the following: • Talk about your feelings with a friend. • Ask important people in your life for help. • Find supportive environments and avoid hostile or nonsupportive environments. • Join a support group and call another member when you feel desperate. • Talk to a health professional about medications or other medical support. Like the person quoted above, some people seem to know instinctively that they need to use the super-tool of support as their primary way to change. Young people sometimes join the armed forces out of high school knowing that they need the discipline of military life so they don’t get out of control and make poor choices. Many people sign up for classes to jumpstart a change. Twelve-step groups like AA can be found all over the world. Some research indicates that telling your loved ones that you intend to change will intensify your commitment. It also can help prepare people in your life for your impending change. Housemates may need a Preparation Stage as much as you do. Remember Nancy, the woman whose house was a mess as a reaction to her abusive father? Her father had forced all the children to adhere to ridiculously high standards of cleanliness and order. She realized that she was too fearful of making her own children into cleaning robots to change on her own. So she asked her husband to help her decide on and enforce a reasonable set of tasks and expectations for their four children. Getting support was the key to her success. Of course, not everyone will be helpful to you. Some people will even try to undermine your change. You’ll learn how to deal with those types in “Action Secret 4.” For now, take a look at all the good support that’s available to you.

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Th e Sca le o f Su pp o rt Some experts believe that 80% of habit changes will fail without support. How much support do you need to change successfully? Take a look at the “Scale of Support” below.

The Scale of Support Mild support … Moderate support … Strong support … Safe environment … Coerced change

Do you feel confident that you can change pretty much on your own? Then mild support might be enough. Mild support involves occasional help and encouragement from others. Examples: • A friend or family member approves of your change and encourages you. • A friend or family member agrees to exercise with you now and then. Even self-changers with super-charged willpower need a dose of mild support from time to time. If you need a higher dose of support, you might opt for moderate support. Examples: • • • • • •

Hire a personal trainer 3 days a week. Sign up for a weekly habit change class. Decide to take medication under the supervision of your doctor. Join an online support group, such as Rational Recovery. Jumpstart your habit change with a week at a spa. See a therapist once a week.

Suppose you need strong support. Consider a face-to-face support group. Support groups give you more than simple encouragement. They can provide you with clear guidelines for your behavior, frequent meeting times, friends to call if you are tempted to lapse, and sometimes even a philosophy of life. Become a “lifer” in your group if that’s what it takes. Consider one of these possibilities:

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• Join a commercial weight loss program, such as Weight Watchers or Curves. • Join a free 12-step group such as Overeaters Anonymous, and attend one or more times per week. • Attend a weekly accountability group at a church or community center. • Attend a counseling group where you must report on your progress each week. • Use two or more moderate support strategies. If your habit has morphed into an addiction, add the super-tool of safe environment to your toolbox. A substance abuser might voluntarily agree, for example, to enter a treatment program for alcohol or drugs. A gambler might sign up for a state program to exclude herself from casinos. Coerced change is change that is forced on people over their objections. Involuntary hospitalization for substance abuse is a prime example. Here we enter a murky area of ethics. Generally, coerced change runs counter to our belief in personal freedom. But some people credit forced hospitalization with saving their life by giving them the treatment they needed at a time when they couldn’t make a rational choice. The degree of support you need may change over time. You might opt for strong support to get started. Let’s say you decide to join TOPS (“Take Off Pounds Sensibly”), an inexpensive weight loss group. With regular attendance, you absorb the principles of the group. Gradually you adapt those principles to your specific situation and needs. At this point, you might be at takeoff, ready to go on without group support. If you lapse, you could return to the group for a tune-up. Or you might stay in your support group for life. If you can’t decide how much support you need, check all the statements below that apply to you: ___1. I’m worried that my habit is becoming an addiction. ___2. I don’t have much confidence in my ability to change. ___3. I am younger than 21 years of age. ___4. My friends have the same bad habit I do. ___5. I’ve tried to change many times and failed.

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Did you check one or more statements? Then by all means, get support! To get on top of your change, you may need to use support as your primary super-tool of change. Overcomi n g I n n er Ba rri ers to Ge t ti n g Su pp o rt “Only weak people need support.” This irrational belief has derailed numerous habit changers. If you believe that you ought to change completely on your own, recognize that this belief might be holding you back. Use the “catch it, challenge it, change it” system to alter this inner thought. Instead of telling yourself, “I should be able to change without help,” for example, you could replace that thought with one of the motivating thoughts in the “Discouraging Thought, Motivating Thoughts” table: Discouraging Thought

Motivating Thoughts

“I should be able to change without help. Asking for help is a sign of weakness.”

“Asking for help is a sign of strength. It shows that I take my motivators seriously enough to do something that’s hard for me.” “Most people can’t change without at least some help. I don’t need to be ashamed that I need help.” “I want to change my habit, and I’ll do whatever it takes—including get support.” “We all need somebody to lean on.”

Once you’ve overcome these thought barriers, you’ll be able to open your mouth and ask someone, “Could you help me?” Not everyone will want to help, so prepare yourself for some rejection. But most people are flattered to be asked and thrilled that you intend to make that important change in your life. If you are still reluctant to get support, think about your motivators. As philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who has a why can endure any how.” Rec ru iti n g a n d Tr ai n i n g Yo u r Su pp o rt Te am As the CEO of your habit change, you can “hire” team members for your habit change “task force.” Here are some ideas for recruiting people for your team:

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1. Talk to your doctor or health care professional about getting support for your change. Your doctor might recommend a good dietician, help you select an appropriate weight loss program, or prescribe a nicotine replacement product. 2. If you are a student, talk to your counselor or a favorite teacher. If you’re not a student, take a class! Many colleges and universities provide free counseling, job search services, and academic help even if you are just taking one credit hour. 3. Hire a counselor or therapist to be a member of your team. If you’re in school, counseling may be free to students. 4. Take an inexpensive continuing education class or a class offered at your community center. 5. Hire a personal trainer for a few sessions, if you can afford it. If not, recruit your most knowledgeable friend to get you started on a program. Or, take a weight training class. 6. Explain your goals to sympathetic family members and friends. Be clear about whether and how you want them to help you. 7. Find the best support group you can, attend regularly, and follow their program. 8. If you are in a crisis situation, use your local hotline or follow some of the suggestions in the Precontemplation chapter: When your habit is stronger than you are, seek help.

Okay, you’ve recruited your team. Now you just need to train them to help you. My student Diana was the most outstanding “trainer” I have ever worked with. When Diana began talking about her habit, my heart sank. Diana had come to class to control her overeating. But she insisted that “chocolate cake”—her symbol for all the sweets she loved—was her best friend. Despite the fact that she had diabetes and already had had one toe amputated, she remained defiant. If amputation couldn’t change Diana, I wondered what could. But as class progressed, Diana proved to be an insightful commentator on other people’s habits. Class members credited her for helping them begin to change. Then Diana began to use her insights on herself. She eventually realized that her beloved chocolate cake was actually a false friend. What made Diana a habit change goddess was her creative use of support. Diana recruited and trained her husband, other family members, friends, and even the class to help her. Slowly but surely,

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she began to change herself. She shares her “training program” at the end of this chapter. Yo u A re Sti ll i n C h a rge Remember those “debt diet” couples from Oprah? Despite everything the team of experts said and did, one couple clung to their old habits. They illustrated the truth of the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Most people who choose to “drink” from the well of support find they can indeed change. Still, they must choose to change, or all the support in the world won’t help them. Decide which changes can be made by you and you alone—the “I” approach—and which require a “we” approach. When you have a stubborn habit or addiction or face a problem that seems overwhelming, consider the “we” approach and find a team. Sometimes it takes a village to change a habit. Try This: Finish This Sentence “My support team could include these people and groups: _____ _______________________________________________.”

Diana’s Story

“Letting People In” The most important super-tool for me is support. For me, support means “letting people in.” Before the class, I brushed off any efforts others made to help me. I felt sorry for myself, depressed, and powerless. It seemed like chocolate cake and sweets were truly my best friends, because they gave me so much comfort. Now I am being open with my friends and family and telling them what I am trying to do. I am actually giving them a copy of my change plan and asking them to help me. If they see me doing something detrimental to my health, they have my permission to point it out. If they hear me saying unhealthy things, I’ve asked them to call me on it. It takes a little bit of getting used to, for them and for me. In a way, I’m training them about how best to help me. So far it’s working. Support is powerful.

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Give Yourself a Mental Vaccination

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. ~ Ben Franklin

How to Vacci n ate Yo u rself Janet, a single parent with a young child, had quit smoking during habit change class. But she was still feeling shaky. In the past, she’d had many lapses when she’d tried to quit. She’d always fallen back on her old false friends—her cancer sticks. How could she make things different this time? Every good change plan needs a relapse prevention section. In this part of your plan, you’ll answer the question “How could I keep myself from slipping back to my old habit?” One answer is “Get vaccinated against relapses.” When you get a real vaccination, you are injected with a weakened or dead form of a virus. Your body reacts by producing antibodies to fight off this intruder. Now you’re prepared to resist the real virus should it come along. 14 0

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A mental vaccination can protect you from slipping and sliding backward from your goal, too. To get this inoculation, use the supertool of imagination. To prepare yourself, just get comfortable, take a few deep breaths, and imagine a series of events that could trigger a lapse for you. Your scenario might start with some warning signs. What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors might be the first yellow caution lights to get your attention? These are your triggers—thoughts, feelings, or events that turn on cravings for your habit. Once you identify these, you know when you’ve encountered a high-risk situation for relapse. Here are some examples of common triggers: • Thought: “Just one won’t hurt.” • Feelings: “I’m so sad. I deserve a treat.” • Events: “After a tough day like this, the only thing that can help is a cig.” Now imagine what you do next. Do you go the grocery store for milk, really intending to buy cigarettes? Do you sally forth to a party even though you have an important test coming up? It’s OK if you feel a little uncomfortable doing this—that sense of discomfort will activate your defenses. Before you visualize yourself lapsing back into your old habit, STOP the action, as if you were a film director yelling, “Cut!” What could save you from cycling backward on the Wheel of Change? Imagine some possibilities that could work. For example, you could imagine yourself calling a friend for support. You could imagine turning the car around and going to a safe, neutral place. You could imagine yourself waiting out your craving until it passes. You could imagine yourself saying, “Instead of smoking a cigarette, I’ll stroll around the block.” Challenge yourself to come up with a scenario that would work for you. Then rehearse this scenario in your mind. For example, you might tell yourself, “I’m at an all-you-can-eat buffet, looking at the dessert table. Everything looks so tempting! For a moment I waver. But I manage to walk by and instead get an iced tea that I sip slowly at the table. As I do this, I feel confident and strong.” Mental rehearsal is a powerful way to prepare for realistic temptations and resist them. If you think of more relapse triggers, imagine yourself in the scene, successfully facing the challenge at hand. These scenarios are like antibodies against relapse. You are helping yourself get ready for

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the triggers and temptations that are typical for you and then rehearsing steps that lead you away from those potholes. Yo u r C h a n ge Pl a n a n d Rel a pse Pre ventio n If inner rehearsal doesn’t seem like it would work for you, use this quick “to-do” list to prevent relapse: • Identify your high-risk situations. Write them down. Example: “Seeing my friends light up.” • List your options for coping with each situation. Example: “1. I could make an excuse and leave. 2. I could chew sugarless gum or eat sugarless candy. 3. I could focus on talking rather than smoking.” • Decide on your best option(s). Example: “I can’t always just leave. I’ll try options #2 and #3.” • Have a back-up plan. Example: “I’ll tell my friends never to give me a cigarette no matter how much I beg.” • Decide not to give in to cravings for at least 20 minutes. In habit change class, Janet, the young mother mentioned earlier, gave us a memorable experience as we did the relapse vaccination activity. Each person quietly imagined his or her relapse triggers and temptations and how to combat them successfully. Then we discussed what we’d learned. Janet was eager to share her experience. “I learned something very valuable,” she told us. “I realized that to stay quit, I have to avoid cute guys who smoke.” If you can be this honest about your relapse triggers, you’ve got it made! Try this: Vaccinate Yourself Choose either to give yourself a mental vaccination or to identify and select your best options in tempting situations. What stumbling blocks did you discover? How could you keep them from tripping you up?

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M ake Your Change Pl an— and Tweak It as You Go

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation ⇒⇒Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

A goal without a plan is just a wish. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

From a W ish to a Pl a n Rochelle wanted to lose 50 pounds. She told her friends and family her goal. She developed a motto to inspire herself: “Lighten up!” She found powerful motivators: health—specifically, to avoid diabetes and the needle pokes that went with it—and family. She studied weight loss plans and read various books. But she didn’t lose one pound. Rochelle had neglected one essential thing: She hadn’t specified the specific rules she would follow to achieve her goal. So, for all practical purposes, she hadn’t really altered anything in her life to propel her forward on her weight loss goal. Referring back to the quote that began this chapter, she had a wish but not a plan. Once Rochelle began to follow just a few basic weight loss guidelines, she began to lighten up, physically and emotionally. Now is the time to make your wish into a plan. 14 3

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A plan is different from a goal or a motivator. Your motivator tells you why you’re changing. Your goal is the standard you hope to achieve—for example, “I will lose 40 pounds.” It’s the what of your change. Your plan will tell you exactly how you intend to get to that goal. It’s the how of your change. Just making a good plan will automatically preprogram your mind for your change. It can tell you what to do when you face obstacles. It can tell you what to do when you are tired or in a bad mood. It can help you rehearse your new behaviors so you have a faster reaction time in challenging situations. Your plan can do whatever you want it to do for you. Praise the plan! People who make plans have a better chance of reaching their goals than those who don’t. To help you reach your goal, this chapter will give you four plan formats to choose from. Fo r mat 1: C re ate Yo u r Ow n Pl a n That’s what my student Lee did. She was ready to change before our class officially hit the Preparation Stage. So she drew up the plan below just using her common sense. Her plan deserves gold stars because it’s so specific. There’s no way Lee could tell herself, “Oh, I think I’m doing a little better.” Either she’s on plan or she’s not.

Lee’s Story

“Quitting, My Way” Cut-down Day: March 5. This is the day I’ll start my cutting-down schedule. Morning Schedule: I usually have a cigarette as soon as I wake up. Starting on March 5, I will wait an hour before having one. If I feel I can go longer, I will. Day One: I will only have 15 cigarettes throughout the whole day. I usually smoke 20 to 30 each day depending on whether I go to the bar. Fifteen cigarettes equals out to about a cigarette every hour. (How was I smoking 20 to 30 a day? That’s gross.)

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Smoking Schedule: Each day after March 5 I will decrease my cigarettes by 1. So Thursday I can only smoke 14 cigarettes, etc. This way, I’ll have two weeks to weaken my hand-to-mouth habit. On March 20 I’ll start the patch without any cigarettes. I’ll stay with the patch for the recommended amount of time, slowly lowering dosages. Support: I’m working this out with my doctor. My boyfriend is also helping. I’ll see how this goes and make any changes I need to. Lee’s plan would have been even stronger if she’d added a note about preventing lapses and responding to them. Still, her plan is solid. Most important, Lee felt committed to this plan because it was her plan. You, too, need to plan it your way. Just consider the formats and examples that follow as ideas you can adapt, reject, or adopt. Your path to habit change must be your unique path. Fo r mat 2: M i n i - g oa l M e th o d Some people don’t want to make enormous changes all at once. If you prefer the step-by-step approach, you may want to change your habit through a series of mini-goals. I took this track to lose the extra 10 pounds or so that I’d gained in college. First, I cut out soda. I lost five pounds. Then I reduced my bread intake. I lost a few more pounds. Then I became more mindful of foods I didn’t like so that I wouldn’t waste my calories. That took care of the remaining few pounds. This small-steps approach is a great way to reshape your eating and exercise habits. You may not be able to use this approach for harmful addictions, however. Fo r mat 3: A Basic C h a n ge Pl a n Your change plan can be short and simple. If you prefer the “short form,” as the IRS might say, all you need to do is the following:

1. Write down your end goal—your what. 2. Write down your motivators—your why. 3. Make a list of your rules or guidelines—your how.

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4. Decide how you’ll prevent lapses and how you’ll recover if you do lapse. 5. Decide on your start date.



Often, a basic plan is all you need. Samples of basic change plans can be found at the end of this section. Adopt one of these as your own, or tweak it until it suits you.

Try this: A Basic Plan

1. “My long-term goal is to ______________________.”



2. “My motivators for this change are ______________.”



3. “The rules I will make for myself are:

(a) _______________________________________ (b) _______________________________________ (c) _______________________________________

4. “I will prevent lapses by _______________________”

“If I do lapse, I will recover by doing these things: ____ ________________________________________.”

5. “My start date will be: ________________________.”

In the “rules” section, you make your wish into a plan. Here were the instructions Rochelle gave herself for her long-term goal of “lose 50 pounds”: • Eat three healthy meals a day. No skipping meals! • Eat fruits or veggies instead of cookies for daytime snacks. Keep small boxes of raisins in purse. • Have one after-dinner treat of no more than 200 calories. • Walk three times a week for 30 minutes. • Aim for 2,000 calories a day. • Weigh once a week. Aim for 1 to 2 pounds loss/week. Rochelle knew that losing 50 pounds involved a long journey. She realized that eventually she might have to change her plan,

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possibly changing her rules or her exercise program. But her “Six Commandments,” as she called them, were a good start for her. She decided to reevaluate her change plan after trying it for a month. Fo r mat 4: Th e Com ple te C h a n ge Pl a n If you would benefit from a more complete plan—the “long form”— you can add one or more of these elements to the basic change plan:

1. A motto to inspire you 2. Super-tools you will use to achieve your goal 3. Your self-care plan

1. Your M ot to for Change Dreaming up a pithy motto is a great way to etch your motivators onto your brain. Mottoes can highlight your motivators, help you persist, and rewire your old destructive habit thinking. If habit change is a journey, your motto is your bumper sticker. Repeating your motto to yourself like a mantra can keep you moving forward. Make your motto short and sweet like these: • • • • • •

Health first. Me—smoke-free. Nothing works but working. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Keep on keeping on. Exercise—stay stronger longer.

2. Key Sup er-To ols Select three to five super-tools to use in your plan. If your goal is to have young lungs (that is, become a nonsmoker), for example, you might use the five super-tools listed below: • Environmental engineering: Throw or give away all cigarettes and ashtrays. Avoid smoking areas. • Distress tolerance: Breathe deeply and tell myself, “I can handle it,” when I have a craving. • Substitution: Buy sugarless mints to pop when I need something for my mouth.

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• Commitment: Focus on my motivators, and put my motto at the top of my list every day. • Support: Call my friend when I get discouraged, and have him or her give me a pep talk. Remember, habit change research shows that using a variety of super-tools is more likely to ensure success than just using one or two. So, add more super-tools as needed.

3. S elf- Care and H e althy Ple asures Even if you used self-care as a super-tool in the above section, could you strengthen this part of your plan? Here are some ways you could be a loving friend to yourself as you change: • Supply yourself with DVDs or good books for the first few weeks of your change. • Make sure you have “play time” on the weekends or on your off-time. • Spend time in nature. • Take an interesting class. So many people see habit change as teeth-gritting self-denial, rejection of pleasure, and harsh self-discipline. Not! Remind yourself that healthy pleasures will help you change and enjoy life as well.

Yo u r Pl a n Is a Fi rst D r a f t General Dwight D. Eisenhower, later the 34th president of the United States, once said, “In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.” In other words, you never can anticipate all of the situations you will face. But if you know your intention and your general strategy, you can have a pretty good idea of how to move forward. Eisenhower helps us see that all plans are flawed. Just consider your plan a “first draft” that you will “edit” as you go. And remember, if you use “plan power,” you won’t need as much “willpower.”

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Jesse’s Story

“Planning Is Everything” Even though I’m earning A’s or B’s in all my classes at this moment, I know I’m still reaching for control of my procrastination habit. This knowledge has led me back to the Preparation Stage to strengthen my plan. I now realize that the best way to bring about a change is with an organized plan. Prior to studying habit change, I flailed about in a disjointed manner. At times I tried to force the change into my life; at other times I had little follow-up. I am now just as concerned with the Preparation Stage as I am with the Action Stage. Planning is everything. Unfortunately for me, I feel the temptation to be lazy and procrastinate on a daily basis. So I’ve decided to confront myself with my longterm and short-term goals every day. I’ve written down my goals and stuck them on the walls of my study area. I think about my goals as I drive to campus. I’m using rewards to motivate myself. After every big project is completed, I let myself buy a CD or DVD. Something else that’s already working well for me is writing my study times on my schedule. When my feelings get the better of me, I’m tempted to do nothing on my studies. The schedule keeps me on track. Doing my work is the best way I’ve found to make my negative feelings evaporate.

SA M PLE PL A NS

H e althy Weight Tim’s Plan 1. Long-term goal: to lose 40 pounds. Short-term goal: to lose 2 pounds/week. 2. Motivators: (a) self-respect; and (b) love: to find a life partner.

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3. My rules: • To eat fatty and rich foods sparingly—no more than 200 calories/day • To attend TOPS (“Take off Pounds Sensibly”) meetings weekly • To eat three healthy meals a day • To rid my house of unhealthy foods • To walk for 30 minutes at least three times per week 4. Relapse prevention: to call a TOPS member when I feel I’m on the verge of emotional eating. If I do slip, I won’t pile criticism on myself. I’ll just get back to my rules by the next day. 5. Start date: Today.

Q uit ting Smoking/H aving Young Lungs Caroline’s Plan 1. Goal: Quit smoking forever. 2. Motivators: Health: Stay active, be able to take a deep breath, and stop coughing. Beauty: Stay wrinkle-free. 3. Rules: • Cut down by two cigarettes per day. Then quit. • Lock cigarettes in trunk when I’m driving. • Remove all cigarettes and ashtrays from house on March 14. • Never smoke around children. • Put unspent cigarette money in savings account to save for cruise. • Call my boyfriend if I feel like having a cig. 4. I’ll prevent lapses by avoiding the bars and my smoking friends for a while and by keeping sugarless gum in house and purse. 5. Start date: March 15. Carl’s Plan 1. Goal: Quit smoking. 2. Motivators: Family: Remembering my dad’s death from lung cancer. Competition: Winning at basketball. 3. Rules: • Make doctor’s appointment to get NRT (nicotine replacement therapy). • Meanwhile, taper down by one cigarette per day. • Exercise daily so I feel how little wind I have for playing sports. • Keep daily records of my smoking.

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4. Once I’ve quit, I’ll prevent lapses by following doctor’s directions. I will also find a quitting support group on the Internet. 5. Start date: March 15.

G et ting Things Done on Time Jenny’s Plan 1. Ultimate goal: Always do important things right away. Practical goal: Finish the “top two” things on my list every day. 2. Motivators: Happiness, relaxation, better grades so I can have a better future, and self-respect. 3. Rules: • Every morning make a list of what I need to do. • Star the two most important things. • Get them done, and cross them off my list. • Use distress tolerance to tell myself to just face what needs to be done. • Use support by telling my family and boyfriend what I have to do that day and asking for their support. • Use environmental engineering: Get all schoolwork done in library. 4. Lapse/relapse prevention: Use good self-talk to get back on track if I don’t get my two things done. Use my support system to encourage me. 5. Start day: Today.

E xercise Regularly Marianne’s Plan 1. Motivators: (a) Vitality: Feel more energetic every day; (b) Mood lift: Get a mood lift that lasts all day from walking every morning; and (c) Health: Prevent weight gain and back problems. 2. Goal: Walk 5 days/week for 30 minutes/day before work, Monday–Friday. 3. Rules: • Decide if I will exercise the night before. • Set out my exercise clothes, and set the alarm. • If I have to miss a day, plan an exercise day on the weekend. • Stay active during the work day. Stand and walk around every hour or so to prevent stiffness.

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4. Lapse/relapse prevention: Buy exercise DVDs to use in case of rain or cold. 5. Start day: Monday.

G et Enough Sle ep Serena’s Plan 1. Motivators: Get up on time and keep the best JOB I’ve ever had; feel ALERT during the day instead of groggy. 2. Goal: Get 8 hours of sleep by going to bed at 10 p.m. 3. Rules: • Remind myself of this career opportunity daily. • Clean my bedroom to create a more peaceful environment. • Turn off TV at 9:30—consider moving TV. • No caffeine or alcohol after 6 p.m. • Meditate before bed to relax. • After 3 weeks of success, buy new alarm clock. • After 3 months of success, buy new duvet and matching sheets. 4. Relapse prevention: • Ask boyfriend and friends to support me by not asking me out on work nights. • Go out earlier and come home earlier on weekends—specifically, be in bed at midnight, then wake up no later than 10 a.m., so my biorhythms don’t get messed up. 5. Start date: I’ve already started going to bed 15 minutes earlier than I normally would. Now I think I can go to bed at 10 p.m. like I need to.

Pa y O f f Cre dit Card D ebt/Grow My N est Egg Lauren’s Plan 1. Long-term goal: Pay off all credit card debt and increase savings. Short-term goal: Pay off card with highest interest rate. 2. Motivators: Peace of mind—I’m tired of worrying about money, overspending, and debt. I want to sleep well at night. Goal of saving for a house—I can’t do this until I am debt-free. 3. Rules: • No more credit card use except in emergencies! • Pay all minimum balances each month.

M a k e Yo u r C h a n g e P l a n —a n d Tw e a k I t



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• Pay off one card using these steps: −− Call all my credit card companies. Try to negotiate a lower interest rate. −− Make a chart with all companies and interest rates. −− Target the card with the highest rate, and pay more than the minimum on that card. −− Once that card is paid off, go to the next highest one and pay it off. • Reward myself with small splurge ($10–30) after each card is paid off. 4. Lapse/relapse prevention: Remind myself of my motivators, tell friends about my plan and ask for their help, and shop only with people who understand my goals. 5. Start date: today.

Find a J ob Sam’s Plan 1. Long-term goal: Find a good job in my field (engineering). Short-term goal: Find any job in a related field. Fall-back goal: Find any job, even part-time, to fill in my résumé. 2. Motivators: Financial need: We need two jobs to support our family, and unemployment benefits don’t go far. Pride: I enjoy my career and providing for my family. Role model: Show my kids how to handle a tough situation. 3. Rules—I’ll structure my day like this: • Hunt for jobs at least 3 hours (from 9 a.m. to noon) every weekday, filling out applications, calling contacts, and checking the papers and Internet for job leads. • Go to every possible interview, and follow up with a business-like thank-you note. • Take a part-time job during this process, if I can find one. I won’t be picky about what it is. • In the afternoons—say, 2 afternoons per week—find volunteer work related to my field. Examples: tutoring math in high school or community college, and/or volunteering for my local professional group. 4. Lapse/relapse prevention: (a) Think about my family; (b) If I can’t put in enough job-hunting time during the week, use the weekend; and (c) Stick to my exercise plan to keep me strong while I do this. 5. Start date: Monday.

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V

The Action Stage Now Do It!

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Actions speak louder than words. ~ Old proverb

“This is it!” You are about to take off into new territory—the Action Stage. Now you’ll actually make that change you’ve been thinking about. You may still have some jittery feelings. These feelings are normal and will even give you the energy you need to accelerate through the Action Stage. Emotions give you momentum!

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You may have been in the Action Stage before. There may have been many other times when you tried to change your habit without success. But that was then. This is now. Now you’ve accomplished these tasks: • You’ve made a conscious and deliberate decision to change. • You’ve found your own motivators to guide you. • You’ve identified the negative thinking patterns behind your bad habit and are working to change them. • You’ve begun taking care of yourself in healthier ways. • You’ve taken mini-steps toward change. • You’ve made a plan. You are prepared! Still, you know that things can happen as you try to change. What if you mess up? I have a feeling that you already know what to do in case this happens. The short answer will be found at the end of this page. Look for the asterisk.* These secrets will light your way forward in the Action Stage: Action Secret 1: Use the Action super-tools on change day—and every day. Action Secret 2: Ride out the cravings with these proven techniques. Action Secret 3: Speak up. Action Secret 4: Brace yourself for the change-back squad. Action Secret 5: Shape up a flabby plan with these easy fixes. Some of you may have completed so many mini-goals that you have already glided into the Action Stage without fully realizing it. Others may have decided that today is the day. If this is your Start Day, taxi down the runway and take off! *Here’s the short answer to the question “What if I mess up?” If you have a lapse, just learn from what you did wrong and correct it. Then get right back on your program for change. “Pobody’s nerfect,” as a friend of mine likes to say. If you find yourself having too many lapses, the section on “Lapses and Relapses” will give you detailed help.

Action Se cret

1

Use the Action SuperTools on Change Day—and Every Day

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. ~ Richard Hooker

How to Su rvive Yo u r Fi rst Day o f C h a n ge It’s Change Day. It’s time for Angie to put her carefully thought-out plan into effect. And she’s never been so miserable in her life. Well, she did OK in the morning. In fact, she was really proud of herself for making it through so well. But now it’s late afternoon. Her manager just criticized the way she’d handled a client, and her stress level shot through the roof. She really needs a cigarette. Her friend Trisha would let her bum one, if she asked. But Angie vowed to quit, and she knows she needs to quit for her health and her children. What can she do? This chapter will reveal how to survive your first day of change and every day in the Action Stage. 15 7

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W i eld i n g th e Su per-Too l s o f C h a n ge i n th e Ac tio n Stage It’s amazing that everything we’ve learned can go out of our heads— poof!—when we face certain trigger situations. That in itself is a testimony to the power of habit. For Angie, criticism at work was a hot-button issue that momentarily took the wind out of her sails on Change Day. Getting through the first day of change with a difficult habit change (and they are all difficult) is a challenge. Luckily, you’ve got allies to come to your rescue—your chosen super-tools. When you developed your plan for change, you chose the supertools that you thought would work for you. These super-tools can be your personal life support system, as they were for Angie. How A n g i e Co ped Angie had anticipated some of the challenges she would face on Change Day. The week before, she had cut down to five cigarettes per day. The night before, she had smoked her last cigarette, cleared away the old butts, and stashed her ashtrays out of sight (environmental engineering). She also had packed a “freedom kit” in her purse. This kit contained sugarless gum and mints (substituting), a reminder card with her planned rules (commitment), a healthy lunch (self-care), and a stress ball to squeeze when she got tense (substituting). These substitutes worked most of the day to keep her mouth and hands busy, thus countering her urges to smoke. She had been pleased with herself. When her manager made a critical comment, Angie panicked. For that moment, her higher goals and immediate plans flew out of her mind. All she could think about was how to get a cigarette. But Angie had done her homework. As she researched her smoking habit, she was surprised to learn that most cravings lasted only 10 to 20 minutes. Angie decided to wait 20 minutes before surrendering to the urge to smoke. Delaying was an effective way to use the supertool of distress tolerance. Continuing to use distress tolerance, Angie took a few deep breaths and told herself, “I can get through this.” Since she had cut down a lot before quitting, she realized that her craving was mostly psychological, not physical. She wondered why criticism continued to be a smoking trigger for her and decided to think about it later. Then she refocused her attention on her work, countering her craving by distracting herself.

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C h a n g e D a y—a n d E v e r y D a y

Angie’s next temptation occurred when her friend Trisha rose from her desk for their usual afternoon smoking break. It would have been wonderful to go out to the smoking area and gossip about work together in a smoky blue haze. Angie found she was telling herself, “I need a cigarette.” But she substituted that negative thought with “I don’t need a cigarette; I just need to deal with stress.” In the hallway with Trisha, Angie asked for her friend’s understanding and support: “No matter how much I beg, do not, under any circumstances, give me a cigarette.” Angie walked down the hall to the restroom. Instead of returning to her desk immediately, she paced back and forth until she felt more relaxed, countering her anxiety with walking. She used her cell phone to call her mother, seeking, and getting, support. As Angie went through this sequence of events, she periodically gave herself rewards with unspoken compliments, such as “Good job!” and “You handled that well.” If she had wanted, she could have also rewarded herself with a special meal once she got through the day, or deposited the money she would normally have spent on a pack of cigarettes into a jar to save for a big reward later. Co pi n g W ith Yo u r C h a n ge Day Like Angie, you may find that Change Day holds challenges that you didn’t expect. Use these tips to face and overcome those challenges: • Review your change plan every day for the first week of your change and as often as needed thereafter. Some people need a daily review for several months. • Use as many of the Action super-tools as possible—preferably all of them. • When you feel the pain, remember the gain. Focus on your motivators, not on what you are giving up. • Alter your change plan to cope with unanticipated challenges. You’ll get some ideas for strengthening your plan in the last chapter of this section. • Anticipate possible potholes in your path, and visualize yourself successfully coping with them. • Choose someone to call if you have trouble following through on your plan—a relative, friend, counselor, or support group member. • Sprinkle healthy rewards throughout your day to provide you with the true self-care that you need.

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At the end of the day, evaluate how you did. If you had a lapse, notice how it happened and figure out a way to get back on track tomorrow. Even if you did lapse, focus on what worked. You’ll find something positive. Build on that, and try again the next day. If, like Angie, you survived the first day without turning back to your habit, congratulate yourself! Pat yourself on the back! Then analyze your success. What gave you changepower on this day? Give yourself credit. If you find yourself discounting your success by telling yourself, “But it’s just one day,” remind yourself that it takes just one pearl to start a beautiful necklace. Try This: M  entally Rehearse Your First Day in the Action Stage Start with your wake-up time, and mentally go hour by hour through your first day in the Action Stage. Conjure up any people or situations that might trigger a lapse, and imagine yourself coping successfully with those triggers. After you’ve made it through the day, have a talk with yourself. How did you do? Jog your thinking by filling in these blanks: “I liked that I ______________________. I wish I had _________________________. I could strengthen my plan by _______________________________________________.”

Action Se cret

2

Ride Out the Cr avings With These Proven Techniques

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

When you’re going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill

C r avi n gs A re No r ma l It is a truth universally acknowledged that the minute you switch to a healthier way of eating, you will feel a craving for chocolate. Choose to change any habit, and, perversely enough, you’ll have the urge to embrace that very habit again. Cravings and urges are normal. (For all practical purposes, these two words mean the same thing.) They are simply desires to experience your old familiar habit again. Remember, your brain contains old habit wiring. It will take a while for you to rewire your brain circuitry by consciously acting in new ways. While you’re working on that rewiring job, you can learn to master cravings.

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Combat C r avi n gs With Self-Ta lk How do you talk to yourself about cravings? Check all that apply: __ “Cravings are unbearably painful.” __ “Cravings last a long time. I can fight them at first, but then I’ll give in.” __ “Cravings can force me to do things I don’t want to do.” __ “Deep down, I’m a weak person. I won’t be able to resist cravings.” These false messages make cravings seem more powerful than you are. No wonder people are scared of them. But cravings can be recognized, cut down to size, and coped with. How? Use the “catch it, challenge it, change it” process that you learned in Contemplation Secret 6. You’ve already done step 1, the “catch it” step—noticing those false ideas about cravings that lurk in your mind. Step 2 is to challenge the unhealthy things you are telling yourself. Use the ideas below to squash your irrational ideas about cravings: “Cravings are unbearably painful.” Remind yourself that cravings are not unbearable, just uncomfortable. Use distress tolerance and tell yourself, “I can handle it.” “Cravings last a long time. I can fight them at first, but then I’ll give in.” Here’s a piece of good news: Cravings rarely last longer than 10 to 15 minutes, 20 minutes at most. Cravings are temporary, with a beginning, middle, and end. They may begin slowly, like a wave forming on the ocean, swell to their peak, and then subside. So cravings can be strong for a short time, but then they weaken and disappear. Check your watch the next time you have a craving to test this out for yourself. Try this: Time Your Cravings Instead of giving in to a craving, time it. Write down the exact time a craving starts and the exact time it’s over. How long did your craving last?

“Cravings can force me to do things I don’t want to do.” Just because you feel a craving doesn’t mean you have to give in. People feel cravings all the time and resist them. Just imagine the results if

Ride Out

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Cr av i n gs Wi t h Th es e P rov en Tech n i q u es

everyone automatically had sex with every person they felt attracted to! The population would explode, and no relationship would ever last. When President Jimmy Carter confessed that he had “lusted in his heart,” he meant that he had felt the feelings and controlled them. So if you lust for a food or a cigarette, just think of President Carter. “Deep down, I’m a weak person. I won’t be able to resist cravings.” Weak muscles grow stronger through exercise. Your ability to control cravings will become stronger with practice. There’s no “control gene” that you either have or don’t have. Controlling cravings is a learning process like riding a bike. You’ll learn three surefire techniques for riding out cravings in the next part of this chapter. Now that you’ve challenged your old thinking about cravings, you’re ready for step 3—the “change it” step. Tell yourself the following:

1. “Cravings may be uncomfortable, but I can handle a little discomfort.” 2. “Cravings are temporary. If I can just wait out a craving, it will disappear.” 3. “I can have a craving without giving in.” 4. “I can learn techniques to control cravings, and I’ll become stronger with practice.”

You could also remind yourself that the number of cravings you have will gradually decrease as the weeks go by. Many people find that cravings disappear altogether after only a week or so. Tec h n i q u es to Ha n d le C r avi n gs Now that you have rewritten your inner dialogue about cravings, you’re ready to practice specific techniques to cope with them. Here are three proven techniques to stay on top of cravings:

1. M anage the Craving You can manage cravings with the super-tools you already know. First, plan. Make a list of triggers that could provoke cravings so you’ll be prepared. Second, when the craving strikes, accept it calmly. You could say to yourself, “Oh, I’m having a craving now.” Acknowledging the craving will raise your awareness and wake you up. Once you are alert, your habit won’t be able to sabotage you as easily.

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Then check your thinking. Are you telling yourself troublesome things that could trigger a craving for your habit? A common problem is that you might tell yourself all the things you love about your destructive habit and how great it would feel to indulge again. For example, you might tell yourself, “I’m so stressed out; only a snack could help me feel better.” If you find yourself falling into that type of thinking pattern, consciously refocus your thoughts on all the negative consequences that your habit leaves in its wake. Remind yourself that “I’ll feel worse in the long run if I give in to this craving.” Finally, use your other well-honed super-tools for the Action Stage: • Distract yourself by focusing on other things (substituting). • Remind yourself of your motivators (soul-searching). • Use self-care by giving yourself soothing messages like “This won’t last more than 20 minutes max. You’re doing fine so far.” • Discuss the cravings with someone (support). • Leave the situation (environmental engineering). • Tell yourself you can handle it (distress tolerance).

2. Sur f the Craving Cravings start out small and then build, like a wave builds to a crest. This is the time when many people worry they could be compelled to give in to their habit. But remember that after the wave crests, the urge will drop off in intensity. After about 15 minutes, the craving will disappear. If you want to practice the “sport” of urge surfing (an extreme sport, to be sure), here are the steps to follow:



1. Calmly acknowledge the urge when it appears (as above): “Oh, I’m having a food craving right now.” 2. As the urge hits its peak, tell yourself that the worst part is almost over. Remind yourself that the urge will last only 20 minutes at most. Time the length of the worst part of your craving. 3. Remind yourself that you will not go crazy, that your cravings cannot force you to do anything you don’t want to do, and that you can handle it. 4. After the craving is over, compliment yourself on “riding with the wave” and not getting toppled by it.

Ride Out

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Cr av i n gs Wi t h Th es e P rov en Tech n i q u es

3. Char t Your Cravings I learned this technique from Jessica, a college professor who teaches biology. Jessica was addicted to cigarettes, but she was determined to conquer her addiction. Amazingly, she had tried to quit smoking 99 times before she quit successfully on her 100th try. (Yes, she actually kept track.) In the past, Jessica had never been able to control her cravings. She wanted to discover if there was a predictable pattern to the pesky cravings. So she decided to be scientific about it and start keeping records in a lab book. On quit day she timed and counted her cravings. Sure enough, her watch verified that her cravings indeed lasted no longer than 15 minutes. Counting her cravings was more of a challenge because she had so many of them. On quit day Jessica tallied up 75 cravings. The second day she was distressed to find out that she had experienced even more cravings—120 to be exact. Fortunately, she decided to stick it out for a third day. The number of cravings ebbed to only 100. Now she had hope. On the fourth day she had only 70 cravings. Once Jessica realized she was over the hump and the cravings would diminish each day from then on, she was confident she could make it. And she did. She has remained smoke-free to this day. You could use a chart like Jessica’s to keep track of your cravings.

Day Number of cravings

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

75

120

100

70

M a n ag i n g C r avi n gs K eeps Yo u Stro n g Learning to manage cravings gives you confidence that you are back in the driver’s seat. Unfortunately, when you give in to a craving, you may feel less confident when the next craving strikes. Bypass this problem, and refuse to lose to a craving! So, what should you do if you impulsively grab that cigarette, drink, or chocolate bar? Tell yourself what they say in the detective shows on TV: “Put it down, back slowly away, and nobody will get hurt.”

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BLACK BOX WARNING Cravings can be handled. Withdrawal symptoms are another matter. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can vary from mild shakiness and anxiety to life-threatening conditions such as convulsions, delirium tremens (DTs), and irregular heart beat. If you are a heavy drinker or drug user, seek medical supervision when you quit. If you witness these symptoms in a friend, call 911.

Action Se cret

3

Speak Up

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Avoi d La pses by Be i n g Assertive Can you guess the top three situations that most often lead to relapse for any habit change? The culprits involved with almost three fourths of all relapses were the following:

1. Painful emotions, like feeling lonely, resentful, depressed, or anxious 2. Conflicts with significant others 3. Social pressure

So anything you can do to soothe painful emotions, reduce conflicts with others, and cope with social pressures may keep you from relapsing. You’ve already practiced using the super-tool of distress tolerance to soothe yourself when you feel upset. To work through 16 7

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conflicts with others and sidestep social pressure, you can use timetested techniques from a method called assertiveness training. Assertiven ess 101 Have you ever experienced any typical situations like these? __ You needed help, but you didn’t want to impose, so you didn’t ask. __ A friend or relative asked you for a favor. You didn’t want to do it, but you couldn’t say no. __ You were angry about something your friend did, but you didn’t express your feelings because you weren’t sure how he’d take it. __ Someone put you down, and you felt upset but said nothing. What do these situations have in common? They all involve times when you needed to speak up but didn’t. Sometimes you may have wanted to avoid a big brouhaha. Sometimes you may have worried that you didn’t have the right to say no. Sometimes you just wanted to be agreeable. When you don’t stand up for yourself, you are behaving nonassertively. Nonassertive behavior is defined as allowing other people to violate or ignore your rights and feelings. If you ever feel like a doormat, you’ve probably just been nonassertive. Often your feelings will let you know—nonassertive actions tend to make you feel resentful, helpless, or out of control. Everyone is nonassertive sometimes because at times you just want to keep the peace. Have you ever experienced any of these situations? __ You “went off” on someone you cared about and felt guilty afterward. __ You’d been feeling angry at someone for a while, but you never told her why. One day you suddenly exploded and told her off. __ You got sarcastic with a close friend, and you could see you’d hurt his feelings. What do these situations have in common? They all involve times when you went overboard with angry feelings. You may have felt satisfied at first that you “got back” at someone or “gave someone what for,” but then you felt guilty later. When you disrespect others, you are behaving aggressively. Aggressive behavior is defined as deliberately violating the rights of

Speak Up

others or carelessly disregarding their feelings. If you ever feel like you’ve just been a bully, you have probably been acting aggressively. Everyone at times acts aggressively because our angry feelings can get out of control. Now, about your habit change.… What will you do if a friend tries to convince you to go to the all-you-can-eat buffet, offers you a cigarette, or invites you to a movie on a night when you need to work? Will you become a nonassertive doormat and give in? Will you become an aggressive bully and get mad? There is a third way: Be assertive. Assertive behavior is defined as direct, honest, and appropriate ways of standing up for your rights without violating the rights of others. When you speak up to someone clearly and directly and feel good about it later, you’ve probably just been assertive. Everyone reaches that happy medium of assertiveness sometimes, because it feels so good to express yourself without disrespecting someone else. Speaking up assertively means you can say “no” and still stay on friendly terms with people. Being honest about what you do and don’t want can reduce stress in your relationships. And when your relationships with others are on track, you’ll be less likely to turn back to your old habit for comfort. Just knowing you have the choice about how to respond to people and situations is empowering in itself! Try this Think back to times when you were nonassertive, aggressive, or assertive. As you scan your memories, think about whether becoming more assertive could help with your habit change.

Assertive Ph r ases fo r ( A l most ) A ny O ccasio n Valerie’s habit change goal was to stop taking out her irritable feelings on her boyfriend. During her college’s spring break, her boyfriend came home with her and spent the week with her family. Valerie was cranky the entire time. Eventually she realized that she wished her boyfriend wasn’t there—she had really wanted to spend time alone with her family. But she hadn’t spoken up. Valerie became aware that her pattern was to stay silent instead of speaking up, then to feel resentful when her needs weren’t met, and

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then to lash out at her boyfriend. Valerie needed to learn assertiveness skills to meet her habit change goal. Becoming more assertive is a lifetime project. But you can learn and memorize some assertive phrases to help you get by in a pinch. Memorize these phrases, and say them gently but firmly when you feel stuck for something to say: • “I’m just not comfortable with that.” This is the all-purpose assertive phrase. You can use it in virtually any situation. • “I’ll think about it.” • “No, thank you.” • “That’s really not me.” • “I could use some help.” • “I’m doing this in a way that’s right for me.” • “Thanks, but no thanks.” You may be able to come up with your own all-purpose way of saying no. If so, what would it be? Mo re Uses o f Assertiven ess We think of assertiveness as saying no and defending ourselves from others. But expressing your positive feelings can also be important when you’re changing a habit. You may want to use some of these phrases: • • • •

“I want to thank you for helping me.” “I really appreciate your understanding.” “Thank you.” “What you did made a difference in my life.”

When you need to ask for help, here are some assertive ways to do it: • “No matter what I say, no matter what I do, don’t let me bum a cigarette.” • “I’ve decided to cut down my credit card debt. Could we take walks together instead of shop?” • “Doc, I’ve decided to quit smoking. Can you recommend a good nicotine replacement product?”

Speak Up

Remember that you have the right to ask for help, and the other person has the right to refuse. If someone turns you down, practice saying (and meaning) something like this: “Hey, no problem. I know you already have a lot on your list.” You’ll feel more courageous about asking for help if you can truly accept whatever answer you get from the other person. Spe a k u p W h en Yo u A re C riticized Remember Angie? When her supervisor at work criticized her, she felt so stressed out that she almost lapsed and had a cigarette. You can surprise your would-be critic (and yourself) by using an assertive appreciation when someone gives you constructive criticism: • “Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.” • “I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Thanks for the new perspective.” • “I appreciate your honesty.” If you feel the criticism is unfair, try one of these assertive phrases: • “I like what you said, but I don’t like the put-down that came with it.” • “I don’t agree because …” • “I don’t agree, but I’ll think it over.” • “You may mean well, but that kind of talk is hurtful to me.” Use Yo u r J u d gm ent A bo ut Assertiven ess Should you always be assertive? Not at all. Sometimes life calls for protective aggressiveness or wise nonassertiveness. You’ll need to use your best judgment to decide whether being assertive, aggressive, or nonassertive is your best bet in a given situation. But if you want to improve your relationships, aim for assertive words and actions most of the time. If you find that assertive responses don’t come naturally to you, you probably just need more practice. Take an “assertiveness training” class. Read one of the excellent books about assertiveness listed in the endnotes for this chapter (found at the back of this book). See a counselor who will role-play with you so you can rehearse your trigger situations.

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Becoming more assertive is a worthwhile habit change in itself! Try This: B  ecome More Assertive About Your Habit Change Fill in the blanks. “It would be hard for me to say no in these three habit-related situations”:

1. ____________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________ 3. ____________________________________________

Now recruit a friend or counselor to help you role-play these situations. Or just use your journal to write out the assertive response you would ideally like to make. Memorize those responses, and have them at hand for when you face these situations in real life (and you will …).

Action Se cret

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Br ace Yourself for the Change-Back Squad Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. ~ William James

Everyone you know is thrilled that you are ready to change that stubborn habit at last. Or are they? Unfortunately, some people are more invested—literally—in your continuing the old bad habit than in rejoicing with you as you progress toward change. To continue into the Action Stage, learn to recognize and cope with these footdraggers—the Change-Back Squad. How can you spot people and organizations that want to put the brakes on your habit change? How can you counteract their tactics? Th e C h a n ge- Bac k Sq ua d Two groups comprise the Change-Back Squad:

1. Certain family members, friends, and acquaintances who feel threatened by your change 2. Habit profiteers: any business, organization, or person that profits from your habit 17 3

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Both groups will exert pressure on you to stick with the old problem behavior instead of changing. Fami ly a n d Fri en ds Most family members and close friends will stand firmly on your side, and some will even cheer you on as you change. But others may have mixed feelings—they like the idea of your change, but your new patterns could be inconvenient or downright uncomfortable for them. Suppose, for example, that you are working on eating healthier. In the past, your sister could always count on you for a gossipy talk over a quart of ice cream. She enjoyed these sisterly binges, and so did you. But now you are backing off. What will this do to your relationship? Or maybe you’ve decided to control your drinking. Your drinking buddies have noticed that you don’t come to the bar as often. One friend in particular has subjected you to a little good-natured teasing, implying that you’re tied to your wife’s apron strings. You can handle it, but it gets to you just the same. Maybe your husband has long been after you to quit smoking. You’ve done it at last. But you find that in these first weeks, you get impatient or cranky more easily. One night your husband snaps, “If you’re going to be so bitchy, just go ahead and smoke that cigarette.” These are “change-back” messages. Don’t give in. Just recognize that your chosen change is stressing out not just you but others around you as well. In most cases this situation will be only temporary. It won’t take long before your loyal significant others adapt to your new life. Your sister will expect that you’ll boil up a cup of tea while she dives into the ice cream. Your friend will gradually stop riding you about avoiding the bar and one day may even confide that he’s worried about his own drinking. Your husband will tell you how proud he is that you finally quit smoking. But if you sense that a friend or family member either has mixed feelings about your change or is actively trying to undermine you, try these quick tactics:

1. Ask for help. Instead of attacking back when a family member or friend wheedles you to give in to your habit, be assertive. Tell them why you are changing and ask for their help. Being direct and honest can be magical! You could say, for example,

B r ac e Y o u r s e l f





for the

C h a n g e - B ac k S q u a d

“Losing weight is really important for my health. I’d like you to support me by respecting my choice when I don’t take second helpings.” 2. Update your relationship activities to reflect the new you. Instead of meeting friends at red zones that could trigger old habits, like shopping malls or all-you-can-eat places, invite them for walks or for other neutral activities you could enjoy together. 3. Avoid habit change saboteurs until you feel more confident. You don’t need to make a big pronouncement about this—just quietly avoid anyone not on your side. 4. Be strategically nonassertive. If someone loads mashed potatoes on your plate over your protests, just smile graciously and leave the food where it is. If your mother foists her homemade sweet potato pie on you, say thank you and give it away or have one piece and freeze the rest. Or just throw it away, guilt-free.

But what if someone in your life will never accept your change? Or insists that you can handle “just one” cigarette or beer? You are faced with a hard choice here. You may have to see less of or even drop the friends who could undermine your change, and turn to new groups and people for support. Fortunately, you can usually find pockets of support from among the people you already know. Try this: Extend Your Support Network Starting with family members, write down the people who are on your side when it comes to your target change. Then add people at work, school, or your religious group. Think about counselors, teachers, colleagues, or your Employee Assistance Program. Scan your mind for old friends that might still want to help. Add to your list any telephone or online support groups you may discover via the Internet. Attend a face-to-face support group. Make it your mini-goal to call one person or resource per day until you have the support you need.

Habit Pro fiteers The habit profiteers are those who benefit directly or indirectly from your bad habit, chiefly businesses and the advertisers who shill their

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products. These businesses include, but are not limited to, cigarette companies, casinos, fast-food companies, beer and liquor conglomerates, and credit card companies. Individual companies can be good corporate citizens in many respects. But their advertising and business practices are meant to lure you into a frame of mind that can actually promote bad habits and addictions. Below are some of the destructive messages that advertisers try to inject into your mind: • More is better. TV commercials glorify excess. One fast-food chain boasts that you’ll need three sodas to gobble down its super-spicy sandwich—and that’s supposed to be a good thing! • Your habit can replace your relationships. The casinos advertise that “we’ll treat you like family.” Beer ads promote the idea that your beer is more important than your girlfriend. Food ads plug the notion that their chocolate pudding is so good it can replace your lover. • You can always get what you want. “Make your dreams come true,” proclaim the casinos while luring gamblers into a mountain of debt. The credit card companies join in this seductive song while raising your interest rate. • You can never have too much. This buy-buy-buy attitude promotes the idea that happiness is linked to how many fancy possessions you own. This message is dangerous for anyone with gambling or overspending problems. And research shows that it’s not true. As you change, notice and challenge these deadly ideas. The chart below will give you some ideas for healthy self-talk that counters these four messages. Advertising Message

Healthy Self-Talk

“More is better.”

“My life is in better balance when I don’t go overboard.” “My relationships are more important to me than my habit.” “I can be happy when I have what I need.” “I have enough to be comfortable. I don’t need to act like a big shot.”

“Your habit can replace family and friends.” “You can always get what you want.” “You can never have too much.”

B r ac e Y o u r s e l f

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C h a n g e - B ac k S q u a d

Many people scoff at the idea that ads could influence them. “It’s just an ad!” they protest if you complain about the message. But most of us are unconsciously swayed by ads. Would companies spend millions on them if we were not? The habit profiteers will use every tactic in the book to keep you hooked to your bad habit. Here are two situations my students reported: • Edward had managed to stop his gambling habit. Then he received a notice from his casino that he would be given a special platinum card because he was such a good customer. He couldn’t resist this incentive and began gambling again. • Kristin finally paid off all her credit card debt and stopped using all but one card. Several months later a representative from a credit card company called to inquire why she wasn’t using their card anymore. Was anything wrong? The representative then offered a lower interest rate on the card. Kristin resisted the sweet talk and firmly stated that she did not intend to use that card anymore. A ll- pu rp ose Ph r ases fo r Sayi n g No If you are at a loss for words, choose one of the assertiveness mantras below, memorize it, and use it both with the “habit profiteers” and with family and friends. Politely but firmly, just say: • • • • •

“I’m just not comfortable with that.” “No, thanks.” “I’ll think about it and let you know.” “I don’t think so.” “It’s my policy not to do that.”

Repeat these phrases as often as you need to, like a broken record. After all, just because someone is trying to sell you back your habit doesn’t mean you need to buy it.

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Try this: Become Media-Savvy For a night or two, watch TV with this book in your hand. Use the checklist below to keep track of any unhealthy messages the commercials and programs may give you about habits. Make a tally mark every time you hear one of the specific messages below. Could these messages undermine your habit change? How? What could you tell yourself instead? If you notice any healthy messages (there are a few), write them in the space below. ___ Eating lots of meat shows that you are a strong and manly person. ___ A pill will solve your problems. ___ It’s OK to be rude to other people. ___ Controlling your impulses isn’t important. ___ Drinking beer will make you a more masculine man. ___ Everybody’s doing it. Get on the bandwagon! ___ Getting out of control is amusing. ___ Drinking beer will help a woman be more accepted by men. ___ More is better. ___ Buying something will bring you happiness. ___ Your habit is more important than family or friends. ___ Beer is more important than relationships. ___ “Fun” means “having a wild time.” ___ Other: ______________________________________ ___ Other: ______________________________________ Healthy messages: 1. ________________________ 2. ________________________

Action Se cret

5

Shape Up a Fl abby Pl an With These Easy Fixes

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation ⇒⇒Action Relapse Maintenance Termination

Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless. ~ Thomas Edison

Andy had been a police officer for 20 years and was good at his job. But he found it difficult to police himself when it came to overeating. His expanding waistline was not just a matter of personal pride; departmental rules mandated that his weight not exceed a certain level—and he was perilously close to losing his job. So Andy decided to conduct his own “Internal Affairs” investigation of his habit. He realized that he’d started overeating when he graduated from the Police Academy and found his first job. Back then, he wanted to be accepted by his fellow officers. He’d get nervous when he had to make statements or decisions that might contradict their views. Doughnuts and other snack foods became small comforts to help him get through the day. Even after he became more confident in his skills, however, he continued to overeat by force of habit. 17 9

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Andy’s first plan had consisted of a list of rules: • No snacking on the job. • Eat three healthy meals a day. • Go to the gym twice a week. Sensible rules, but they didn’t work! Despite trying to be his own food police, Andy found himself violating these rules, feeling guilty, and ending up back at square one. Eventually Andy realized what was missing from his first plan— support. He was an outgoing, gregarious guy, and self-change tactics alone did not cut it for him. So he found a few colleagues who were also becoming too “weighty” for departmental policy and organized an after-work visit to a local gym twice a week for all of them. He also involved his wife and children by explaining his goals and how important weight loss was to the family’s future. Andy also decided that his first plan was much too strict to succeed, and he began to think of his change more in terms of self-care. Instead of his draconian rule that forbade snacking altogether at work, he decided to revise his plan to permit himself several healthy snacks a day. This simple change helped him avoid the extreme hunger that can trigger a binge. He also enlisted his partner to keep him on track by convincing him to avoid the doughnut shops. As a result of these changes, Andy gradually lost his excess weight and kept his job, because he asked for support and got it. Like Andy, you may be strongly motivated, but you may not have used enough support in your initial plan. Or, you may have fallen into other common traps during the Action Stage. This chapter will spring those traps and get you back on the right road. Ei ght Ways to Bo l ster Yo u r C h a n ge Pl a n If your change plan needs a boost, try these suggestions:

1. Provide Yourself With M ore Supp or t If you tell me, “I’ve tried so hard to change but nothing works,” my default answer will probably be “Join a support group.” For example, weekly support groups for healthy eating have been proven to prevent people from regaining weight over time. Isn’t it worth one hour of your time per week to recharge your changepower batteries?

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F l a b b y P l a n W i t h T h e s e E as y F i x e s

Consider also if you’ve chosen the right kind of support. Some friends cheat together instead of change together. If you are not sure what kind of support you need, talk it over with a friend, sympathetic relative, or counselor.

2. Forget “Per fe ct” Remember Diana, the diabetic woman who was so successful at using support? She informed us that she was not aiming to achieve a rating of 10 out of 10 on the healthy eating scale. Instead, she had decided to aim for 7.36—a little better than good. Your plan, too, doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to be “good enough.” This statement is especially true of changes you are trying to shape, such as eating healthier, sticking to an exercise program, keeping your house organized, or sorting your mail and paying your bills. You can never achieve perfection with any of these changes, so why torture yourself? If you have perfectionist tendencies that keep you from seeing the progress you are making, remember this wise saying: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

3. Use the “G oldilo cks Test” Give your plan the “Goldilocks test” to make sure that it’s “not too strong, not too weak, but just right.” A plan can be too strong—too rigorous and limiting. Some habit changers make rigid rules for themselves in their change plans. Overly restrictive dieters, for example, might decide to eat less than 1,000 calories a day. Not only is this amount unrealistic, but also eating so little can lead to destructive eating disorders and serious health problems. A plan can be too weak—not demanding enough to make clear progress on your target goal. For example, if your goal is to lose one pound a week, and your plan involves reducing calories by 100 per day, you haven’t set the bar high enough. (You would need to reduce calories by 500 per day, through diet and exercise, to attain your weekly weight goal.) Of course, some changes require that you bite the bullet. There’s no middle way when it comes to stopping smoking, for instance. After you cut down, you either quit or you don’t. “Never smoking again” is

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the only reasonable standard for success. If you have problems with drinking or drugs, abstinence may be your best and only choice.

4. Use Enough True S elf- Care Are you taking care of yourself? Using the super-tool of self-care will help you avoid a common habit change trap: replacing one bad habit with another. Max did this when he stopped his drinking but began consuming over a dozen sodas a day. The “liquid candy” caused so much weight gain that he became a borderline diabetic. But once Max took his self-care program seriously, he was able to cut down on soda, lose the weight, and protect his health. You, too, may want to give more thought to how to care for yourself now that you’ve left behind your old false self-care.

5. Double - Che ck Your G o als Remember SMART goals? These were goals that were specific, meaningful, action oriented, realistic, and time based. Have you been specific enough in your change plan to know whether you are achieving your goals? It’s too easy to have SLOPPY goals—goals that are spongy, loose, open, passive, porous, and yielding. These are goals so vague that you can easily lie to yourself about your so-called progress. The goal “I will drink less” is a sloppy goal. How much less? How will you know if you are drinking less? If your goals are sloppy, smarten them up so that you can know when you are succeeding. The goal “I will drink less” can become “I will have no more than two standard drinks per day.” You can’t wiggle your way out of that goal!

6. Tr y the Abstinence Path You may have persuaded yourself that you can control your problem behavior—such as drinking—when you need to stop completely. Because you are reluctant to give up your “false friend,” you’ve been clinging to the hope that you can keep it in your life but under control. Moderation can work very well for some people. But you may not be one of them. If you keep stumbling when you try to change, follow the abstinence path.

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7. Uncover the D e ep er Is sue Sometimes it’s impossible to change a habit without facing deeper issues. If you are suffering from depression, for example, treating that depression may release the psychic energy you need to work on your habit. You may be facing other draining problems, such as past or present abuse, boyfriend worries, money woes, or family problems. These problems can easily take the focus off your habit change. See a therapist to sort out these issues and give you new perspectives.

8. Take a Few M inutes Ever y Night to S et Your Intentions for the N ex t D a y “Setting your intentions,” a phrase from the yoga tradition, means preparing your mind for the actions you’d like to take the next day. Review the next day’s mini-goal and mini-plan. This mental action is like setting an alarm clock. You’ll wake up eager to face the next step of your change. If you need to remodel your change plan, use the checklist below to pinpoint any glitches:

Analyze Your Plan

Yes or No

I Could Modify My Plan By …

Am I getting enough support? Am I trying to be too perfect? Am I being too hard or too easy on myself? Am I taking good care of myself? Is my plan specific enough? Do I need to work on deeper issues? Have I set my intention? What other strategies could I use?

If your plan hasn’t been working, change it. Like Alicia, whose story appears below, you may need to modify your plan several times. That’s OK. Your plan is a tool to help you change, so if the tool is dull, sharpen it!

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Alicia’s Story

“How I Stopped Drinking Sodas” I used to drink a diet soda first thing in the morning every day. I continued to guzzle sugar-free soft drinks at meals, at breaks throughout the day, watching TV, and working on the computer. I never dreamed that so much soda could be hazardous to my health. Then one day I noticed that my urine was brown and smelly. I got scared and went in to see my doctor, fearing the worst—some sort of cancer. My doctor asked what I normally ate and drank every day. I described my healthy meals and my 8 to 10 glasses of soda each day. She told me I had a bladder infection, probably caused by being seriously dehydrated, and that I needed to drink more water. Dehydrated! More water! I had thought soda was water. Water is the first ingredient listed. I hadn’t known that the caffeine in all my sodas acted like a diuretic, causing water loss in my body. The caffeine was also irritating my bladder and causing some bleeding. The doctor also told me that so much soda could eventually cause osteoporosis. I stopped drinking sodas immediately, but I still craved the carbonation. So I started drinking sparkling water instead of soda. My symptoms decreased, but they didn’t disappear completely. Then I began drinking plain water. My symptoms vanished, but I hated the taste of the plainness. Finally I experimented with adding a small amount of fruit juice to the water. The juice gave me the flavor I needed without excess calories.

Sectio n

VI

Lapse and Relapse

Turn Setbacks Into Success

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action ⇒⇒Relapse Maintenance Termination

To be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. ~ Buddhist saying

Ge t ti n g It Ri ght Have you ever seen Groundhog Day? In this classic film, the character played by Bill Murray gets stuck in a time loop and must replay the same day over and over again. A victim of his own bad habits, he fails again and again to say and do the things he needs to do to transcend his self-absorption, win the heart of his beautiful colleague, and move on

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to the next day of his life. But eventually he figures out how to use this extra time to master new skills and to become a decent human being. By the end of the film, he even manages to create his own happy ending. Changing a habit can sometimes feel like you’re having your own personal Groundhog Day. You find yourself wondering, “Will I ever get it right?” You will. This section will give you a plan for dealing with brief setbacks to habit change—lapses—and longer setbacks—relapses. Like the hero of Groundhog Day, you can rewrite your story until you create your own happy ending. Not that some people can’t get it right on the first try. They can, and you might be one of those hardy souls. But the first time around, only about 20% of habit changers make it through all the stages. That means 80% of us will have at least one lapse or relapse as we try to change. Relapse is so common that at one time it was considered a stage of change itself. La pse o r Rel a pse? Just knowing the difference between a lapse and a relapse can go a long way toward preventing relapse. A lapse or slip is a one-time violation of the rules you’ve set for yourself. A relapse lasts long enough for your problem habit to reestablish itself. As my student Nancy colorfully put it, “A lapse is like a short visit to your old habit. Relapse is like moving back in.” My student Lillian described the difference like this: “A lapse is like eating too much on Thanksgiving Day. A relapse is when you continue to eat as if every day were Thanksgiving Day.” One little lapse does not mean that you are destined to have a relapse. Think of a lapse as just a fork in the road of change, suggests relapse expert Dr. Alan Marlatt. Take one fork and you continue down the path to relapse. Take the other fork, and you wake yourself up and get back on the high road to habit change. Although every relapse starts with a lapse, every lapse does not have to lead to a relapse. My students are relieved to learn that even people who relapse do not necessarily backslide all the way back to the Precontemplation Stage. Most relapsers return to the Contemplation or Preparation Stage and try again. So, although lapse and relapse are not desirable, they are usually not tragic either (one possible exception is dangerous addictions). Reassure yourself that mistakes and setbacks are just a normal part of changing. I’ll repeat my favorite statistic to comfort you further:

Lapse

and

Relapse

Even if you relapse, you are still more likely to achieve your habit change goal within six months than someone who has not tried at all. Of course, you still would prefer NOT to have lapses or relapses. Squash lapses before they start, and manage them like a pro if they do occur! Explore these secrets: Relapse Secret 1: Prevent lapses and relapses. Relapse Secret 2: Deal with the dreadful “D feelings” if you do relapse. Relapse Secret 3: Try again.

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Rela pse Se cret

1

Prevent L apses and Rel apses

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action ⇒⇒Relapse Maintenance Termination

A stumble may prevent a fall. ~ English proverb

J ust O n e Coo k i e Brittany’s study routine was to do her homework at the library, generally finishing about 5 p.m. At about 3 p.m. she would take a break in the cafeteria and have a cup of coffee. This routine fit with her weight loss plan, a plan that she had followed faithfully for about three months. She didn’t feel deprived because she allowed herself two small but delicious cookies every evening after dinner. She had already lost 10 pounds. One day she thought about how comforting it would be to have a cookie with her afternoon coffee. The cafeteria staff made large soft cookies—chocolate chip, butterscotch, and oatmeal—that sold for a dollar each. She pictured herself buying a chocolate chip cookie, breaking it into pieces, and slowly eating each one, with sips of coffee in between. After all, she’d been studying faithfully. She’d earned that 18 9

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cookie! But then she felt torn. She knew that she might not be able to limit herself to one cookie every now and then. She worried that she might develop the habit of devouring a cookie every afternoon. That could mean weight gain. That could mean a relapse. Yet a cookie would taste so delicious.… W h en Do es a La pse Becom e a Problem? Everyone snatches an extra cookie from time to time. But when does a little lapse become a big problem? In some cases, lapses aren’t so bad. When you’re trying to create a good habit—like exercise, healthy eating, or keeping your house straight—slips are just part of the learning process. Working overtime could prevent you from taking that daily walk or going to the gym, for instance. If you had an extra dessert today, you could skip dessert tomorrow. A busy week could lead to a cluttered house, but you could tidy up when the weekend rolled around. There’s no need to berate yourself when these lapses occur. You just get back on program as soon as you can. On the other hand, if you can prevent lapses, you’ll never have a relapse. Relapse prevention is especially important when your goal is complete abstinence from your habit. It’s certainly better not to mess around at all with life-threatening habits and addictions such as cigarette smoking, alcohol, and dangerous drugs. One cigarette or one drink could be the match that ignites the fire of relapse. That is what happened to my student Lee when she tried to quit smoking a year before habit change class. She was successful for about three months. Then she started going to the bars on weekends, where her smoker friends hung out. She wrote, “I started off smoking just one cigarette. Then it was only two.… Then it was only when I went to the bar on weekends.… Then I was lost.” But Brittany’s situation lies in a gray area. One cookie now and then would not be so bad. Still, a cookie every day could spell doom for her weight loss plan. How could she keep herself from getting into a daily cookie-eating routine? When in doubt, stop lapses before they start. To stay on the safe side, realize that you might be on the brink of the proverbial slippery slope. Brittany peered into her future and saw that cookie-eating could easily become part of her afternoon routine. She rightly wondered if she should stop this new pattern before it started.

Prevent L apses

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Relapses

Use Self-ta lk to Pre vent La pses You’ve learned how to overcome your target bad habit by moving through the stages of change. Maybe it has dawned on you that the stages also describe how you might adopt a bad habit or an addiction. First you wouldn’t dream of taking up such an awful habit (Precontemplation)! Then you might begin to think about it (Contemplation). Then you’d plan to do it (Preparation). Finally, you would put your nefarious plan into Action. In Maintenance, your bad habit would become second nature to you. Having a lapse or relapse can be like this, too. Your lapse begins with thinking, continues with planning, and results in action—self-destructive action. When it comes to starting up a new bad habit, Brittany is in the Contemplation Stage, thinking about adding a cookie to her afternoon routine. She might even have approached the Preparation Stage, since planning to buy one cookie has entered her mind. So the first thing she could do to prevent a lapse is to catch her “pro-cookie” thinking before she begins to spiral downhill. Relapse experts have pinpointed dangerous thinking patterns that can lead to lapses. Once you wise up to these patterns, you can use your awareness to notice the red flags that pop up in your thoughts. Here are typical self-sabotaging thoughts:





1. Overconfidence: “I’ve got my habit beaten now!” 2. Secretly planning a lapse: “I’ll drop by Susan’s house on my way home from work.” (Susan still smokes, and you are secretly hoping to “borrow” a cigarette.) 3. False entitlement: justifying a lapse on the grounds that you’ve “earned” it: “I worked so hard today—I’m entitled to a little fun.” (Simon, whose goal is to drink moderately, finds a way to justify and plan his overdrinking of the coming evening.) 4. Minimizing possible harm: “One cigarette won’t kill me. Lapse is normal.” (Helen is reading this book, and her “prohabit thinking” tries to take over, using this chapter as a rationalization!)

If you can train yourself to hear these sneaky thoughts in their infinite variety, you can counter them with healthy self-talk:

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To Counter This Kind of Thinking:

Tell Yourself This:

Overconfidence

“I’m doing well, but I need to keep up my guard.” “I know I’m planning to lapse. Why? I’ll stay away from my danger zones until I figure it out.” “Just because I worked hard doesn’t mean I’m entitled to behave badly.” “It’s true that a slip is normal, but it could lead to a relapse. Why take a chance?”

Secretly planning a lapse

False sense of entitlement Minimizing possible harm

Brittany realized she was guilty of the entitlement thinking pattern. Although it was true that she’d worked hard, she would certainly gain weight if she stuffed herself with a giant cookie every afternoon. Maybe she could read something fun during her break or buy some fruit now and then or make a rule that she could only have a cookie once a week or … Brittany began brainstorming options to the cookie temptation. W h en Yo u r Habit A mbush es Yo u Sometimes your habit will ambush before you know it. Brittany was hijacked by her habit one afternoon when she ran into a friend in the cafeteria. They bought coffee together, and her friend also bought a large juicy chocolate chip cookie. Despite a pang of regret, Brittany followed suit. Soon they were both chowing down on the seductive cookies. When your habit ambushes you, thinking and planning can be forgotten. Suddenly there you are—at the computer buying yet another purse, by the refrigerator with a quart of ice cream in hand, or holding a lit cigarette. You need to take action at once! Odd as it may sound, sometimes you can stop yourself in the middle of a lapse. To manage a lapse while it’s happening, start with awareness. Catch yourself lighting a cigarette, pouring a drink, or starting on an overeating spree. Second, remind yourself that you have the choice to stop. Third, take action. Stub out the cigarette, put down the drink, or lay down your fork. Remind yourself that you don’t need to continue on this path. Finally, leave the scene of the crime. This may be as simple as backing away from the buffet table and going into the adjoining

Prevent L apses

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Relapses

room. In a bar, you could “remember” that you have something that requires your immediate attention, make your apologies, and go. Or just go. You can always call later to explain. Or call a good friend who supports your change. Have him or her come get you. Brittany lapsed. She ate half of the giant cookie. As she did, she realized the cookie was not as good as it looked. She wasn’t sure if it was worth the calories. Reminding herself that she’d have a treat after dinner, she managed to stop herself from demolishing the mega-cookie. Then she wrapped it in her napkin to get it out of sight. As she and her friend left the cafeteria on their way back to the library, she tossed the cookie in the trash bin. “Hey, good for you!” she told herself. Brittany rebounded from this slip by keeping it small and getting right back on her program. She stumbled, but she didn’t fall. D efen d i n g Yo u rself i n th e Red Zo n e Brittany might have predicted that meeting up with a friend would lead to a lapse. She knew that sharing good food with friends and family was a time when she tended to overeat. This situation was her danger zone—or, as they say in football, her red zone. You’ve already mentally vaccinated yourself against lapses. But now, as you face your trigger situations, you may need a booster shot. Become aware of your red zone—the people and places most likely to trigger a lapse. As you did when you “vaccinated” yourself, you can use your imagination to conjure up the times when you will be most tempted to slip. Then picture yourself successfully dealing with those temptations. If you prefer writing things down, use the quick to-do list from “Preparation Secret 5: Give Yourself a Mental Vaccination.” Brittany realized that she tended to eat mindlessly when she was in a group or even with one other person. She had bought the cookie in a “monkey see, monkey do” frame of mind. To stick with her healthy eating plan, she would need to buy fruit or yogurt when she met up with a friend, she decided. Pl a n to La pse?!? You can still minimize many lapses by planning them—yes, planning them—and keeping them small when they do occur (one exception: dangerous addictions).

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For example, let’s say your goal is to get eight hours of sleep so you’re never late for your new dream job. You moved the computer and other distractions from your bedroom, made a rule to turn off the TV and lights at 9 p.m., and bought blinds to darken the room. You’ve followed this new routine for a month. You’re doing great! Then your niece invites you to a musical production at her school. She got a small part that requires a solo and is thrilled. The play isn’t over until 11 p.m. Naturally, you decide to plan a lapse because it’s a special occasion—she’s your niece. You vow to get back on plan the next night. The bottom line: Prevent lapses. If you can’t prevent a lapse, start managing it as it happens. If you do lapse, keep it small. Then get right back on your program.

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Deal With the Dreadful “D Feelings” if You Do Rel apse

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action ⇒⇒Relapse Maintenance Termination

Courage is not the absence of despair; it is, rather, the courage to move ahead despite despair. ~ Rollo May

A n ita’s Rel a pse Anita quit smoking on May 1, 1995, when she became pregnant with her first child. The decision to quit propelled her into a new stage of her adult life. She began to take care of herself for her family and her own pride. She remained a nonsmoker during her second pregnancy and during several difficult family challenges, including her mother’s hospitalization for breast cancer. In fact, she really thought she had conquered smoking for good—until September 11, 2001. On that day, Anita’s best friend, a flight attendant, was killed when her plane was hijacked in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. 19 5

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Anita fell into a depression. Along with this depression, selfdestructive thoughts began to percolate: “What’s the use? I’m going to die anyway. Might as well have a little fun on my way out.” “Fun” for Anita meant cigarettes. She started smoking again four days after the collapse of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. But that wasn’t the end of Anita’s story. Now she had a 6 year old and a toddler. As the days passed, Anita worried about the effects of secondhand smoke on her children. And her children, even her toddler, made an outcry every time she lit up. Her husband was unhappy. And she wasn’t too pleased with herself either, or with the feelings of anxiety and depression that continued to plague her. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to cope with your negative feelings from a relapse episode. As you rebound from relapse, you’ll find that you’ve even strengthened your habit change muscles. W h at to Do with N egative Feeli n gs “I’ll never lose weight.” “What’s the use of trying to stop smoking?” “I knew it; I’m just weak when it comes to shopping.” People put themselves down like this when they have broken the rules in their plan. Experts call it the rule violation effect. They feel too guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, self-hating, or disappointed in themselves to keep trying. So they continue to turn back to their old habit, figuring, “I’m a failure, and this proves I’ll never succeed, so I’ll just give in to my habit.” Thoughts like these are poisonous. It’s hard to be your own best friend when you’ve just been your own worst enemy. How do you feel when you’ve stumbled or taken a fall on your change path? You might fall victim to any of these dreadful “D feelings”: • • • • • •

Depressed Discouraged Defeated Demoralized Despairing Disappointed

Try This: Finish These Sentences “When I slip or relapse with my habit, I feel ______________. I start to think I’m ________________.”

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These are natural feelings after a lapse or relapse. But even though your feelings are natural, they still hurt—a lot. It can be hard to pick yourself up and carry on. Still, you’ve got to be your own best friend—a friend who won’t kick you when you’re down. Here’s how to stop the self-hate-athon. Befriend yourself by noticing your bad feelings and then riding them out, as you would a craving. As you do, use distress tolerance. Tell yourself comforting things like “Of course I’m upset. But these feelings will subside.” Or tell yourself, “Most people don’t change a habit without some trouble. You can get back up on your feet and try again.” And then, bounce back. Tell yourself, “So I’m not perfect. I’ll view this lapse or relapse as a learning experience. Now I know I need to …” Of all the steps you can take to overcome a lapse or relapse, this is absolutely, positively the most important one: to learn from what happened. Sometimes we all get tired of hearing that something or other is a “learning experience.” You may grumble about enduring an A.F.O.G.—another fabulous opportunity for growth (use the f-word of your choice). Here you’re already enduring a lapse, and now you have to learn from it. Sometimes we just want our path to be smooth. But figuring out the reason for your lapse will help you regain control and even grow from your mistake. It’s a way to make lemonade out of lemons. You can console yourself with this self-talk: “Okay, I slipped, but at least I know why.” If you hear yourself using that horrible f-word, failure, you’ll know you need to work on your thinking. Start by referring to your relapse or lapse as a setback. Setback implies one step back on the road that eventually will lead to success. Setbacks are temporary, if you make them so. They don’t indicate bad genes or destiny or any other unchangeable reality. You can find a way back to your chosen path with a better plan. You can adopt an attitude of curiosity as you examine your relapse, as if you were observing a strange creature from another planet. Detach yourself from the dreadful D feelings by asking yourself, “If my best friend had this same relapse experience, what advice would I give her?” Then take your own advice. Com passio n, n ot Pu n ish m ent Coping with the D feelings may require some work. Deciding you will learn from the lapse, not punish yourself for it, is a good start.

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Then balance your self-criticism with self-compassion. Remember that you developed your habit for a reason. Finally, remind yourself that you still deserve to take the best care of yourself that you can. Anita used this secret by telling herself, “I can understand that I was upset and depressed after I lost my friend. I turned to smoking again. Now I realize that I need to manage stress in other ways. I was not only punishing my children and husband when I relapsed; I was also punishing myself.” Anita also learned that she was still vulnerable to smoking, even after all her years of abstinence. She decided to seek counseling to find better ways to manage her anxiety and depression. By seeking counseling, Anita wielded the mighty super-tool of support. Getting help will enable you to spring back faster. Other people can help you work through the reasons for your lapse or relapse at a time when you might not see your path clearly. When people slip or relapse, they can easily get swallowed up by their habit again. If you’ve rolled out your new change with a lot of fanfare, you might feel embarrassed when you fall back into old ways. Your feelings might make you want to isolate yourself. Don’t do it! It’s better to ask for help from a caring person right away. A little support can guide you back to your new healthy path before you stray too far. Anita also got support from her family when she decided to get back on the nonsmoking track. Her husband found a quit-smoking program through their church. Anita relaunched her nonsmoking efforts at this program and then continued on her own with her entire family rooting for her. A year after 9/11, Anita quit again and has “stayed quit” until the present day. She was able to overcome her relapse, even after a year of smoking, and recommit herself to change. Do you know why muscles get stronger after a hard workout of weightlifting? When you lift weights, your muscles stretch and even tear a bit. The tiny tears cause the achy feeling you get the next day. But after the tears heal, your muscles are stronger than they were before. Think of your lapses and relapses as tears in the fabric of your habit change. As you repair those tiny breaks, you become strong at the broken places. You become stronger than your habit. You’ve created even more changepower than before.

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Try this: Create a Lapse and Relapse Coping Card On side 1 of a 3" × 5" card, write a realistic and encouraging statement to yourself that will help you reframe your lapse or relapse as a learning experience. On side 2, write the three most important thoughts or actions you will take to prevent lapses and relapses. Include a number to call if you are tempted to slip. Keep your Coping Card with you at all times and read it whenever and wherever you need to.

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3

Try Again

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action ⇒⇒Relapse Maintenance Termination

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ~ Thomas Edison

C l ash i n g Q u otatio ns There’s an old saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” But Albert Einstein gave this definition of insanity: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Which is the best advice to follow after a relapse? Both. If you persist, you will eventually overcome the obstacles that have previously tripped you up. But you will also need to take a fresh look at your motivation and your strategy. Keep trying, but with a difference. Re assess Yo u r Motivatio n Here is a simple way to reassess your motivation. First, get your motivator in mind. Is it family? Health? Love? Now consider how much you value this motivator, and give it a number from the following scale: 200

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Your Motivator | ___ 1___ 2 ___3___4___5___6___ 7___8___9___ 10___ | No value

Little value

Some value

High value

Highest value

Next, think about how you would rate your problem habit, and assign it a number. Your Problem Habit | ___ 1___ 2 ___3___4___5___6___ 7___8___9___ 10___ | No value

Little value

Some value

High value

Highest value

If you value your habit more than your motivator, you need a different motivator. Or perhaps you’ve slipped back to the Precontemplation Stage. How could you start rotating around the Wheel of Change again? If your habit number is about the same as your motivator number, you may have backslid to the Contemplation Stage. How could you make your motivator two notches higher? What could put more life into this motivator? Or do you need a different motivator? If you value your motivator more than your habit, then your values are in the right place, but your strategy isn’t working. Maybe your habit is very powerful, even addiction-like, and it’s hard to break the spell. In this case, you need allies. You know what to do. Consider a treatment program, a support group, or professional help. Or have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself. Then make a course correction so that you can sail on with your change. Weighing your habit against your motivator will bring you back to the Contemplation Stage. Once you’ve reflected on your relapse, just continue around the Wheel of Change to the Preparation Stage. Here, adjust your plan to make it work better. Then put your new plan into Action. Revolving around the Wheel after a relapse will insure that you keep your eyes, heart, and mind focused on your change. Have a H e a rt-To - H e a rt Ta lk with Som ebo dy El se If you still can’t figure out why you keep sputtering when you try to change, talk to a counselor or a “pro-change” friend. Ask for feedback, and make a determined effort to listen to what is said with an open mind. If you solicit advice, but then refuse to listen or act on it,

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consulting with another person won’t do you any good. Of course, one individual’s recommendations may not be right for you. But if you notice that you have a pattern of saying, “Yes, but …” to every idea, you may need to work harder at prying your mind open. Rem ember Yo u r Su cc ess Pat tern One of the easiest ways to get back on track after a relapse is to remember what you did before that was successful. What was your motivator? What were the super-tools that worked for you? You may have stopped doing the things that worked. If this is true of you, start doing those good things once more. You’ll find yourself in high gear again. Movi n g to M ai nten a n c e Once you’ve learned the best ways to avoid and manage your lapses and relapses, you’ve smoothed out the bumps in your habit change road. You land in fewer potholes, and you are less likely to swerve off the road. You are no longer in a Groundhog Day time loop. After 3 to 6 months in the Action Stage, you feel ready to move on. You are headed for a new destination on the habit change map—the Maintenance Stage.

Emily’s Story

“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” When I smoked, I made a lot of rules to keep my habit under control. I didn’t smoke around my children. I didn’t smoke around my elderly mother. I didn’t smoke when I was invited over to friends’ houses. I didn’t smoke in restaurants. I didn’t smoke at work. In fact, most people weren’t even aware that I was a smoker. With the willpower that it took to follow my personal rules, you would think I would have had no trouble quitting. But I’d never been able to make that happen for long. Those five or so cigarettes that I sneaked everyday were too precious to me.

Try Aga i n

Still, when I developed an unpleasant cough one cold winter, I thought I would give it another try. Plus, I had learned that even one or two cigarettes a day can be hazardous to your heart health and that made me think. After three weeks of abstinence, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Then I found out my danger zone the hard way—with a slip. My red zone turned out to be my car. For all these years my car had been my smoking refuge, the one place I could forget my responsibilities and just do something for me. That was how I saw it at the time. Of course I was really just making myself sick, but you could not have told me that. As they say about false love, smoke gets in your eyes. Though I had technically quit, I kept a pack of cigarettes in the glove compartment. Every time I got into the car, I was aware of their presence. On the day I slipped, I had had a difficult phone conversation with my brother. I was steaming mad about a thoughtless thing he had said. The next thing I knew, I found myself smoking again. I realized then that my car was a relapse trigger for me. Plus, my cigarettes were just too close for comfort. Duh! I decided to use some simple environmental engineering: I locked my pack in the trunk of my car. Of course I could still get at those cigarettes, but I had to think about it first. I’ve now been smoke-free for 8 months. I do it by telling myself every day, “Today I won’t have a cigarette,” because the thought of never smoking again is too hard to bear. Those 5 cigarettes are safely out of sight in my trunk, and I haven’t bought more. I still look forward to having a treat when I get into my car—but now it’s the sugarless candies that I’ve stashed in my glove compartment.

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The Maintenance Stage Keep On Keeping On

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse ⇒⇒Maintenance Termination

Energy and persistence conquer all things. ~ Benjamin Franklin

“It’s getting easier. I’ve actually been habit-free for almost six months!” If you have been habit-free for 3 to 6 months, you have arrived at the doorstep of the Maintenance Stage. At this point, your healthy change has become … well … a habit.

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The Maintenance Stage can last six months to a lifetime. The time frame depends on whether you can still be lured off your healthy path by the seductive song of your habit. If you still hear that song, as Emily does in the story in “Relapse Secret 3,” you’ll probably end your habit change journey in the Maintenance Stage. But don’t worry if you realize you’ll be in Maintenance for life; Maintenance is just as worthy a destination as Termination. In the Maintenance Stage, you may feel less temptation to regress to your former problem behavior, and you’ll grow increasingly confident that you can keep up your change. But Maintenance has its challenges. You’re still vulnerable to lapses and relapses, though less so than in the Action Stage. Even if you feel more confident, it’s wise to remember the saying, “Old habits die hard.” You could still be hijacked by a sudden craving or find yourself a victim of habit creep—the gradual return of old patterns. To remain stronger than your habit in the Maintenance Stage, practice the following secrets: Maintenance Secret 1: Keep on keeping on with Maintenance super-tools. Maintenance Secret 2: Keep your life in balance. Maintenance Secret 3: Climb a few rungs on the happiness ladder.

M ainte nance Se cret

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Keep on Keeping on With M aintenance Super-Tools

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse ⇒⇒Maintenance Termination

A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools. ~ Spanish proverb

M ai nten a n c e: Sit Bac k a n d Rel a x? Ah, the Maintenance Stage! Now that you’re here, you can just sit back, relax, and let your new healthy patterns carry you through. Right? Not exactly. Compared to the Action Stage, you can ease up a bit in Maintenance. But you don’t want to be lulled into a sense of false security. Otherwise you could suffer the fate of many hapless habit changers—gradually backsliding to your initial starting line. Many habit changers carve out successful changes for themselves in Action. Then they stop doing the good things that helped them overcome their problem habit. Soon they find themselves victims of their old habit again, wondering, “Where did I go wrong?” So here’s the burning question: How can you handle yourself in the Maintenance Stage so that your hard work at changing doesn’t unravel over time? 207

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Ta k e C a re o f Yo u r Su per-Too l s The short answer to this question is: Use the key super-tools for the Maintenance Stage—and keep using them. The habit change experts point out that you can’t maintain your change unless you also maintain the use of your super-tools. So don’t stash away that toolbox just yet.

1. Sup er-To ol: Commitment Did you ever attend a ceremony in which a couple renewed their wedding vows? “I would choose you all over again,” they tell each other in this ritual. From time to time during the Maintenance Stage, you, too, may want to renew your vow—the promise you made to yourself to change your habit. Remembering that promise could motivate you when you face a threat that might cause you to lapse. Renewing your vow will remind you that your habit change is a “forever” goal, not a “for now” goal. Renewing your vow will also help you cultivate an attitude of lifelong devotion to your good change and to the motivators that inspired you.

Try this: Finish This Sentence “I will remember my vow to change my habit of _______ because it is important for me to _____________________________.”

2. Sup er-To ol: Substituting Unhealthy thinking about your habit may continue to plague you from time to time. But by now you are as familiar with these selfdestructive thoughts as you are with the perpetual villains in a TV soap opera. Just identifying these villains can put you on guard so you don’t slip back into your own soap opera. Then make a conscious decision to shift into your new healthy thinking patterns. Cover up the right-hand side of the “Unhealthy Thinking in Maintenance, Healthy Thinking in Maintenance” table, then invent healthy substitutes for the unhealthy thinking on the left.

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Unhealthy Thinking in Maintenance

Healthy Thinking in Maintenance

“Now I’ve got it made!”

“It would be easy to slide back into my old ways. Stay confident but not cocky!” “No! One time could be the first step toward relapse.” “I’d be foolish to test myself like this. I could be setting myself up for a lapse, maybe even a relapse.”

“I bet I could do it just once and be OK.” “I’ll test my strength by buying a _____ (bottle of beer, cigarette, or chocolate cake).”

During your habit change journey, you’ve learned to replace poor coping strategies with good ones. Now you know that instead of grabbing a cigarette when you’re not getting along with someone, you can be assertive and speak up about what’s bothering you. Instead of reaching for a sweet, you can call a sweet friend. Instead of procrastinating, you can decide to work for just 15 minutes. Most of all, instead of making self-critical comments, you can make self-caring comments. These substitutions can help you put on the brakes if you find yourself making a U-turn into old patterns.

Try this: Finish These Sentences “Instead of reverting to my old habit when I’m stressed, I am now ___________. If that doesn’t work at some point, I could also _________________.”

3. Sup er-To ol: S elf- Care Now that you’ve given up your old false self-care, that bad habit, you’ve started to create a lifestyle based on true self-care. The last Maintenance chapter, “Climb a Few Rungs on the Happiness Ladder,” will give you even more ideas for nurturing yourself. There are so many good reasons to bring true self-care into your life in the Maintenance Stage. True self-care can ward off any remaining desire to take up with your problem habit again. It can give you a sense of self-worth. It can improve your physical health and emotional well-being. Whatever your reason, begin the process.

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Try this: Finish These Sentences “I am now taking better care of myself by ___________. Another good step in the right direction might be to _________.”

4. Sup er-To ol: Supp or t/H elping Relationships Does the following story make you feel optimistic or pessimistic? A recent weight loss study showed that thousands of people lost significant amounts of weight when they used counseling and group support. In fact, most participants lost 10 to 15 pounds—enough to significantly reduce their risk of heart attack and stroke. But when the counseling and group support stopped, every participant—some 4,000 people—gradually regained the lost weight within 5 years! These results might make you feel pessimistic. And it’s true that permanent weight loss remains an elusive goal for many people. But I feel optimistic, because the study has revealed the ultimate solution to the weight loss dilemma: Just attend the support group of your choice for the rest of your life. This may sound like a radical idea, but I’m completely serious. If the diet study participants had continued in their support groups, they no doubt could have kept the weight off. Is it worth one hour or less once a week to reach your healthy weight? Two friends of mine who attended Weight Watchers together have kept off their excess weight for over 10 years—practically a miracle for a weight loss habit change. They had double support—the group and each other. These two successful “losers,” Erica and Colleen, share their stories at the end of this chapter. Group support can work for other habits, too. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) provides the classic example of a group that many people attend for their entire lives. There are also 12-step groups to overcome nicotine, overeating, debt, illegal drugs, and gambling addictions. Participation in these groups tends to foster abstinence from addictive drugs and alcohol. Many people find that participation leads also to less anxiety and depression, increased self-esteem, and a sense of self-control. Meeting new friends can be an added plus. And all 12-step groups are free.

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Internet support groups are also free and available anytime, anywhere. They vary greatly in quality, so use your best judgment to find one that would work for you.

Try this: Find Your Maintenance Support Network 1. Make a list of five people who could help you stay on track in Maintenance. They might be different from the people who helped you during the earlier stages of change. Find ways to spend more time with the people on this list. 2. Find a support group. First research the possibilities. You can do this online or by attending an introductory meeting. Then choose the group that you think would provide the best support for you. Attend as long as you need to—for a lifetime, if need be.

5. Sup er-To ol: Environmental Engine ering Some people, places, and things are landmines for relapse. For example, there might be a certain person in your life who you love to bingeeat with, smoke with, or shop with. In the Action Stage, you avoided anything that might trigger your cravings for your habit. Although you can never avoid all triggers, some environmental engineering is still a good idea during Maintenance. This is especially true during periods of exceptional stress in your life, when you may be tempted to resort to your old habit again. Like Colleen, whose story appears at the end of this chapter, your motto for environmental engineering could be: “Don’t let the bad stuff in.”

6. Sup er-To ol: Substitution In Maintenance, you can start substituting your new positive selfimage for the old negative one. You are no longer “a person with habit X”; you are “a person who has overcome habit X.” Thinking of yourself as a “person who knows how to save money” or “a regular exerciser” may help you maintain your change.

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This was the case with Chantal. Chantal, a dietician, revealed that she used this technique even before she had technically quit smoking. Although she was still at the “bumming” stage, regularly borrowing cigarettes from friends, she told new acquaintances that she was a nonsmoker—and gradually became one.

7. Sup er-To ol: Rewards Because others may now take your new healthy behavior for granted, you may want to take on the job of rewarding yourself for maintaining your change. You can give yourself healthy treats, new exercise DVDs, or music CDs, for example. You can set up regular times to celebrate your change with those who helped along the way. Possibly the best reward you can give yourself is frequent inner compliments for your healthy change. Telling yourself, “You handled that well,” or “Good job,” will help you keep on keeping on. Giving yourself credit for all you’ve accomplished is one of the best ways possible to ensure that you stay habit-free, not just for now, but for life. Try this: Are You Maintaining Your Change? Decide if you are successfully completing the tasks of the Maintenance Stage. Check all the statements below that apply to you: ___ “I am using the super-tools for the Maintenance Stage on a regular basis.” ___ “I am revising my lifestyle to support my change.” ___ “I have found alternative activities to replace my former problem habit.” ___ “I’ve learned new coping strategies so that I don’t need to turn to my old habit for comfort and stress relief.” ___ “I know how to avoid lapses and relapses.” ___ “I’ve found good support for my change.” ___ “I regularly give myself credit for the progress I’ve made.” ___ “I intend to maintain this change forever, not just for now.” If you cannot honestly check all of these statements, decide what you need to work on. Look back over the chapter for hints, or call a friend or counselor for ideas.

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Erica’s Story

“How I Kept the Weight Off—A Thirty-Year Saga” Some people can taste a piece of cake and exclaim, “Oh, this is so sweet! I can’t eat this whole piece.” Then they take a few bites and stop. I have never experienced that feeling. I CAN eat the whole piece— easily and with pleasure. Still, I’ve still managed to win my lifelong struggle with weight control. Since I can’t set limits on my eating by myself, I’ve attended Weight Watchers off and on for thirty years. I first started going to meetings after my second child was born. I went every week for eleven years and was able to maintain my weight for many years after that. But then our family went through a stressful period. I gradually gained 30 pounds, ballooning up to my highest weight ever. I returned to Weight Watchers with my friend Colleen and lost all the weight I had gained. Then I stopped attending. Again, the weight began to creep back. But this time I saw the writing on the wall. I stopped telling myself those little lies that kept me from acting before and returned immediately to Weight Watchers before I could get out of control. I lost about 25 pounds the third time around. Amazingly, my current weight is now the lowest of my adult life. Now that I’ve reached my new great weight, I attend Weight Watchers once a month to weigh in. Sometimes I attend the meetings; sometimes I don’t. It depends on whether I need to psych myself up. I’m on the Core Plan. I can eat as much as I want of the core foods and then earn points for treats. I usually earn a treat every day. As for exercise, I just stay active and take the occasional walk, so limiting what I eat is even more critical for me than for other people. My motivation? I love clothes, and I want to look great in whatever I wear. Pride in my appearance is my strongest motivation, even stronger than health. I once bought a refrigerator magnet that perfectly expresses my thinking and motivation. It says: “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”

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Colleen’s Story

“Don’t Let the Bad Stuff In!” I first attended Weight Watchers ten years ago with my friend Erica. For about a year I went to meetings every week. I lost 30 pounds, much more than my goal weight. I’ve now regained 7 of those pounds, but since I’ve stayed under my goal weight, I can still attend meetings for free. I weigh in once a month. I don’t attend the meetings anymore, but I could if I needed to. I’m a lifetime member. I started out following the Weight Watchers system religiously. I was on the Core Plan. Now I’ve adapted that plan to my own needs. I don’t practice portion control, but I avoid bread, pastas, and snack food. I eat loads of vegetables instead of the dangerous foods. I’ve also learned to cook using simple recipes with a lower fat content. No one would accuse me of being a gourmet chef, but my plain meals are tasty and satisfying. I have one glass of wine with dinner every evening. That’s my treat. Since I live alone, I’m in charge of what I bring into the house. I just don’t let the bad stuff in. Frankly, my motivation was vanity. I’m getting older. I can’t control that, but I can make sure I look slim and fashionable. And I do!

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Keep Your Life in Bal ance

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse ⇒⇒Maintenance Termination

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy / All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy. ~ Maria Edgeworth

A im fo r a Ba l a n c ed Li fe You are much more likely to relapse when your life has become unbalanced. So says Dr. Alan Marlatt, a specialist on relapse. But what is a balanced life, and how can you achieve it? Philosophers have debated this question for centuries, but you’ll have a practical answer by the end of this chapter! Marlatt believes that a balanced life is one in which you accomplish some “wants” and some “shoulds” every day. If your day is filled only with “shoulds”—work, errands, and fixing meals—you are at risk for relapse because you might experience a sense of deprivation. When this happens, you might see your old problem habit as something you’ve earned. For example, you might tell yourself, “I’ve had such a hard day, I deserve some time for online shopping.” In this case, you’ve fallen victim to the entitlement trap— “I’ve earned my habit.” 215

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In an unbalanced day filled only with “wants”—chatting with friends, watching TV, flipping through catalogues, and lounging around— you never do the hard work you need to do to keep up and move forward in your life. You might tell yourself, in the words of Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” This is the pleasure trap—“It feels good, so why change?” “Wants” and “shoulds” are different for each person. To some people, work is a “should,” whereas others view it as a “want.” Then, too, your “shoulds” might change over time. When I was younger, I thought of work as a “should,” but as I grew older and more committed to my profession, I began seeing it as something I truly wanted to do (a midlife job change didn’t hurt either). Try this: Weigh the “Wants” and “Shoulds” in Your Life Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. Make a list of “wants” on the left side of the line—these are things you enjoy. Then make a list of “shoulds” on the right side—these are activities that you should do, even though you don’t always want to. The lists don’t have to be equal in size to give you balance in your life. As you look over your list, just get a feel for whether you need to add or subtract some activities to achieve a better balance. I did the exercise above in one of my habit change classes. It was a life-changing experience for my student Tracy, a slim, energetic, 20-year-old African-American woman. Tracy was living at home, working full-time, and taking classes part-time. After this exercise she realized that she worked mostly to buy herself extras like clothes, jewelry, and visits to the nail salon, and that she was going nowhere in her career. “I have too many ‘wants’ and not enough ‘shoulds,’” she told the class. She decided to completely reverse her schedule; by the following semester, she was working part-time and attending college full-time to prepare for a career in business. What about you? Are you all work and no play? Or are you all play and no work? Or do you have a balanced life? A Ba l a n c ed Li fe After reviewing various expert opinions on a balanced life, I’ve created my own definition. To me, a balanced life will provide you with the following:

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• Meaningful activities: activities that reflect your most important values, goals, and motivators • Self-care activities: activities that contribute to your physical, emotional, or spiritual health • Pleasure and fun: activities you enjoy that do not harm yourself or another Of course, people might differ on how they would classify certain activities. For you, the activity of “talking to a friend” might qualify as self-care, especially if you were talking out a problem you were experiencing. For another person, “talking to a friend” might be pure fun. W h en to U n ba l a n c e Yo u r Li fe It’s all very well to talk about balance. In reality, bringing balance to your life is not always easy. What do you do if a parent becomes critically ill? What would you do if you had a work project to complete and your job depended on it? What should a student do during finals week? In these cases, you may choose to brush aside other things, even important things, to take care of a crisis. I recently met a student who was registering for college. When I asked Joyce if she had just graduated from high school, she told me that she had taken a year off after high school to care for her mother, who was dying of cancer. She had devoted herself to taking care of her mother until she passed away. This was a decision she did not regret. Sometimes dedicating yourself temporarily but fully to a work project, a significant other, or your own health is the best decision you can make. You’ll know when it’s time to pull back and rebalance your life. In fact, healthy living requires constant rebalancing. Th e K e y to Ba l a n c e How do you know if you’ve succeeded in balancing your life? A balanced life gives you a sense of inner peace. You feel more centered, more truly yourself. So when you’ve had a day that brings you inner peace, analyze it and use the results to bring more of the same into your life. If you have too many days that leave you harried and irritable, change something!

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I am struck by this wise old saying: “Live every day as if it were your last and also as if you were going to live forever.” Now that’s balance for you! Try this: Catch Your Balance! Think of the activities you have done so far today. On the chart below, write each one in the top box under the appropriate category—meaningful activities, self-care activities, or pleasure and fun. What activities could you do for the rest of the day (or another day) that would make your life more balanced? Write these activities below the line. As you write, notice the clues to a more balanced life for you. Meaningful Activities (activities that fulfill your most important values or goals)

Self-Care Activities (activities that contribute to your physical, emotional, or spiritual health)

Pleasure and Fun (activities you enjoy that do not harm yourself or another)

Examples: studying for a test; helping a family member; working

Examples: taking time to eat a healthy lunch; getting enough sleep; taking a walk

Examples: watching a good DVD; talking to a friend; listening to music

Other activities that would be a part of a meaningful day for you?

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Climb a Few Rungs on the Happiness L adder

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse ⇒⇒Maintenance Termination

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. ~ Oscar Wilde

Th e La d d er o f Ha ppi n ess Imagine that the range of possible happiness in life exists on a scale of –10, for the most miserable depths to which you could ever descend, to +10, for the most ecstatically joyous heights you could ever imagine. The 0 point would be neutral, neither especially unhappy nor happy. Some might call this point “normal”; Oscar Wilde might call it “existing.” The Happiness Scale –10 –9 –8 –7 –6 –5 –4 –3 –2 –1 0 +1 +2 +3 +4 +5 +6 +7 +8 +9 +10 |_________________________|__________________________|

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Where did you start when you began this book? Perhaps you felt your life was a –4 or below, because your habit made you feel so low. Now, after shifting into better patterns, you may feel you have climbed to a +1, +2, or even +7 or +9 on the scale of happiness. Or, perhaps you started your journey at a +2 and have reached a +4. Any gain of even one point on this scale reflects a significant and worthwhile change in your life. Could you climb even higher on the ladder of happiness? It may seem strange to even ask this question. Doesn’t happiness just “happen”? Yes, sometimes luck is involved, but you can also kick up your happiness level with a little effort. In fact, psychologist Martin Seligman and others have researched specific ideas and actions that can make you happier. This chapter will pass on their discoveries. When you live a happier and more satisfying life, you’ll be less likely to lapse or relapse. Moreover, you’ll be living fully, not just existing. I n gred i ents i n Yo u r Ha ppi n ess Reci pe My student Alicia and her boyfriend enjoyed hitting golf balls at a driving range as a way to distract themselves and have fun when they quit smoking together. To me, this activity resembles torture more than fun. But everyone has to figure out what really makes them happy. So if you have an idea about how your life could be happier, go for it! Research indicates that any time you take action to improve your life, you could rise a step or more on the ladder—and stay there. That’s good to know! But you might be curious about what makes most people happy. A group of psychologists, called positive psychologists, have studied this question extensively. Positive psychologists study mental health instead of mental illness and focus on positive emotions instead of negative ones. They try to promote a higher level of happiness in the lives of their clients, not just treat mental illness and neurotic misery. To answer the question “What makes people happier?” positive psychologists carefully researched a variety of activities. Here are my three favorites. The first involves thinking differently, the second involves acting differently, and the third requires choosing a positive goal.

Thre e G o o d Things (Thinking Dif ferently) Every night for a week, participants in a research study noted three things that had gone well that day. They wrote these down, along

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with their interpretations of what had caused the three positive events. The participants did this exercise for only one week. But amazingly, this activity boosted happiness and reduced depression for 6 months. What a payoff! I have adapted this exercise to my own needs. Instead of writing, each night before bedtime I take a few minutes to mentally review my day and to unearth the “three good things.” For each one, I figure out if I just got lucky or if I did something that helped create that positive experience. Not only is my sleep more refreshing, but also I have climbed at least two rungs on the happiness ladder and feel more confident to boot. Not bad for something that takes just a few minutes of your time. Exercises like these help you cultivate the “gratitude attitude” in your life. When you focus on what you have, you tend to brood less about what you don’t have. That old saying, “Count your blessings,” turns out to be true.

Random Acts of Kindnes s (B ehaving Dif ferently) In another study, researchers asked college students to perform five random acts of kindness per week, over six weeks. These acts were defined as behaviors that benefit others or that make them happy, usually with some small cost to the participants. Examples of acts that counted were dropping coins into a stranger’s expiring parking meter, donating blood, talking to a friend with a problem, visiting a sick friend or relative, or writing a thank-you note to someone. Another group did nothing except fill out the paperwork for the study. The do-nothing (control) group actually experienced a decrease in happiness, but the random-acts (experimental) group experienced a boost in feelings of happiness. Another cliché—that helping others helps you as well—turns out to be true. As the Dalai Lama once said, “If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Cho osing a G o al or Activit y You Value (G o al S et ting) Researchers wondered which boosted happiness the most—a positive change that was out of a person’s control or a positive change that a person chose on his or her own. As expected, both changes produced increased happiness.

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But when the researchers examined which situation led to lasting happiness, the people who had chosen their own changes continued to be happier for much longer. This makes sense. When you are the author of your own positive changes, you feel more competent, more in control of your own destiny, and more powerful. So, let’s say you’d like to boost your happiness by choosing a goal you value, a goal like, say … a habit change. Wait a minute. You’ve done that! So, are you happier as a result? If you’ve been successful with your chosen change, I predict that you already feel happier and more powerful. And if you choose another worthwhile goal, you’ll feel happier still. I repeat—all these suggestions are confirmed by the best research available. These are not just my opinions! Oddly enough, here are some things that don’t seem to bring lasting happiness, or boost it only slightly—excess wealth, beauty, winning the lottery, and being young. So beware what you wish for! One catch: If you don’t make a habit of these exercises, you could experience a drop in happiness as soon as you stop doing them. Like habit change, happiness results from sustained effort and initiative. So why not choose one of the happiness exercises as your next habit change goal? Try this: How High Can You Climb? Using the happiness range of -10 to +10, decide which rung of the happiness ladder you’re on right now. After trying one of the ideas in this chapter, rank yourself again to see if you’ve climbed upward.

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The Termination Stage Celebrating and Moving On

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance ⇒⇒Termination

I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself. ~ Pietro Aretino

Th e Ter mi n atio n Stage “It’s funny. I’ve come so far that I can’t believe I ever fooled around with my habit. I’m done with it. Period. End of story.” You’ve driven a stake through the vampire-like carcass of your old habit. It’s deader than dead. You rarely think about it anymore. When your old habit is history, you’ve arrived at the Termination Stage.

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How do you know for sure if you have reached the Termination Stage? Habit change researchers suggest you ask yourself if you’ve reached these mileposts:

1. A new self-image. Your new identity is based on living a life guided by your motivators. In fact, if you think of your old habit at all, it may be with a shudder, not with longing. 2. No temptation in any situation. When you feel emotions such as depression, guilt, sadness, anger, or anxiety, you handle them without even thinking of resorting to your old habit. According to the change researchers, If you no longer feel any desire to smoke, abuse food or alcohol, spend money, or engage in any other type of problem behavior, no matter where you are or how you are feeling, you may have terminated the change process for that particular problem.



3. Confidence. You have confidence in your ability to cope with life without your problem behavior. 4. A healthier lifestyle. You have developed new healthy habits to replace your problem behavior.

By now you may be wondering whether you’ve truly reached the Termination Stage. Maybe you think you are “just” maintaining your new habit. Remember that your habit change journey has been successful whether your endpoint is Termination or Maintenance. Termination Secret #1, Know your final destination, will help you clarify which stage is the best endpoint for you. Whether you end your journey in Maintenance or Termination, you are ready to benefit from the final secret of this book: Build a better life with habit change skills. You’ll discover how to apply everything you’ve learned to the next chapter in your life story. The secrets of thriving in the Termination Stage are as follows: Termination Secret 1: Know your final destination. Termination Secret 2: Build a better life with habit change skills.

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Know Your Final Destination

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance ⇒⇒Termination

You never finish eating the meat of an elephant. ~ African proverb

Ter mi n atio n o r M ai nten a n c e? Can you ever really terminate—or should I say exterminate—your bad habit? Or, must you spend the rest of your life working to maintain your change? At the end of every habit change class, I ask each student this question. Some students express confidence that they can reach the Termination Stage. But others realize that they will be in Maintenance for life. Many addiction experts believe that it is impossible to terminate an addiction such as alcoholism or drug abuse. They contend that no one ever recovers from an addiction because it is not a habit but a disease. Individuals are always recovering but never recovered. Therefore, the individual remains in the Maintenance Stage for a lifetime. The AA motto “One day at a time” reflects the idea that every day may bring challenges to recovery, challenges that must be recognized and met. Other experts are more optimistic about the possibility of terminating a bad habit or even an addiction for good. Stanton Peele, in 225

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7 Tools to Beat Addiction, argues that many people with drinking problems can learn over time either to drink moderately or to stop drinking entirely using self-change techniques like those in this book. From this point of view, some addicts can outgrow their addictions when they learn to balance their lives, find new support systems, or discover meaningful motivators to turn them around.

BLACK BOX WARNING If you have ever been addicted to alcohol or any other substance or activity, you may not be able to adopt a moderation program. Abstinence may be your only effective choice. Be aware that thoughts about moderating your habit for you could be a first step towards relapse.

Many ex-smokers have left their bad habit in the ashtray of history. This is true for me. When I look back on my former smoking habit, I have to ask myself, “What were you thinking?!?” I have been in the Termination Stage for over 30 years. But other ex-smokers tell me that they are still tempted by their habit. I was shocked to learn that two thirds of mothers who manage to stop smoking for the full nine months of their pregnancy start again after their baby is born. It may be that reaching the Termination Stage is possible for some individuals and not others. Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide whether you truly meet the four standards for termination mentioned in this section’s opener. Sh a pi n g a Habit: Ter mi n atio n o r M ai nten a n c e? Some habits, by their nature, can’t ever be terminated, only maintained. These are habits that must be constantly shaped and reshaped, such as saving money, eating healthily, exercising regularly, or managing time. As you grow older, for example, you might want to—or have to—modify your exercise routine or alter your eating habits. During busy times, you might be forced to put a few things off. Job loss might lead to a temporary suspension of your savings plan.

K n o w Yo u r F i n a l D e s t i n at i o n

A few people can change eating habits permanently, as I learned the hard way. At a talk to a group of dieticians, I contended that healthy eating habits could only be maintained, never terminated. A woman raised her hand to disagree. She pointed out that she had become a vegetarian—for life. On the other hand, I once knew a woman who claimed that she was in Termination for her exercise habit. She had been an ardent exerciser for over five years. Nothing, she told me, could stop her from exercising—not the illness of a parent or child, not a death in the family, nothing. When I ran into her recently, I asked if she was still keeping up her exercise habit. “No,” she sighed. “I’m in the midst of moving to a new place, and I just don’t have time right now.” Besides moving, other disruptive life events, such as illness, a work project with a rush deadline, a personal crisis, or job loss, might temporarily interrupt your healthy habit routine. Some lapses are sensible. You wouldn’t want to exercise if you were ill, for example. If you can return to your healthy routine within a reasonable amount of time—say, a week or so—you can keep these sensible lapses from becoming relapses. Do es It M at ter? Does it matter whether you end up in the Maintenance Stage or in the Termination Stage? Not really. Both stages are worthwhile destinations for your habit change journey. The Maintenance Stage takes more work, to be sure. But maintaining a habit change takes much less work than you were doing in any of the previous stages. Think of maintaining a good habit as like the occasional weeding you must do after the back-breaking work of creating a garden. Terminating a bad habit is more like ending an abusive relationship for good. In any event, you’ve come a long way.

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Build a Bet ter Life With Habit Change Skills

Springboard Precontemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Relapse Maintenance ⇒⇒Termination

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yo u ’ ve C h a n ged Mo re Th a n Yo u r Habit Remember when your habit made you feel like you’d wandered into the wrong movie—the one with the tragic ending? Then you rewrote the script and recreated your own life story by changing your habit. Now you’re a star in the film that you’ve always wanted to be in—the one with the happy ending, where your life may not be perfect, but you see a bright future ahead. If you have successfully changed your habit, you have no doubt changed yourself, too. As you progressed through the stages, you grew as a person. To grow as a person. What does this mean? For one, you’ve transcended your narrow habit point of view. When you chose motivators 228

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to spark your change, you discovered what was really important to you. Now, the idea of “my habit above all” has given way to a broader purpose in your life. You are connected to something greater than yourself. You may also be happier now. Research shows that choosing to change something about your life—and doing it—actually makes you happier in the long run. Remember the study comparing college students who had “good luck” with students who made “intentional changes”? Both groups were happy in the short run. But those who actively chose their changes were happier in the long run. This makes sense. Knowing you can control your own life instead of passively submitting to your automatic habits is powerful. Occasionally someone can change a habit without growing as a person. AA refers to the abstinent drinker who still has an alcoholic personality as a “dry drunk.” More often, wrestling with yourself to change a habit helps you become more self-aware, more compassionate, and a better problem-solver. There could be even more to your success story than you know. Stopping any bad habit can influence others to do the same. If you quit smoking, for example, you may have influenced others to quit also. Recent research shows that each person who kicks the smoking habit starts a chain reaction of quitting among spouses, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, friends, and even friends of friends. Talk about being an effective role model! By using your changepower to quit, you may have saved countless lives. And there is reason to believe that the same ripple effect works for other habits like overeating as well. Finally, if you shook off a dangerous habit like smoking or drinking, you may have saved your own life. Think of what a huge difference that has made to your world and to the world of everyone who knows and loves you. Try this: Appreciate Yourself Fill in the blanks. “Because I changed my habit, I now am better at doing these things: __________ and __________. I also have strengthened these parts of my personality: ____________ and _____________. My change helped others in these ways: _________________.”

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Yo u r N e x t Step Now what? You have three good choices. First, you can just rest on your laurels. You’ve worked hard to change; you can sit back and congratulate yourself on a job well done. It’s time to savor every moment of the new life you’ve made for yourself. Second, you may be ready to tackle another habit. Maybe you recognize that there’s another problem behavior interfering with your life that should be kicked to the curb. Apply your habit change skills to this nagging habit. Happily, there is research evidence that creating one healthy habit can lead to success with another. This makes sense. Once you have changepower, you can spend less time in each stage. You know what to do. Third, you can enrich your life or someone else’s by tackling a worthy project. En rich Yo u r Ow n Li fe with Habit C h a n ge Sk i ll s At the beginning of Changepower, I mentioned that I used habit change skills to write this book. Now that you know the secrets of motivating yourself through the stages of change, you, too, may decide to improve your life in other ways. Maybe you’ll want to build a better life by going to college or graduate school, reorganizing your house, taking up a fascinating hobby, sharpening your job skills, or starting your own business or charity. Fortunately, habit change skills are transferable skills—you can transfer them to new tasks, goals, creative projects, and challenges. Whatever your goal, just use the secrets you’ve absorbed from this book. For instance, suppose you once loved making jewelry. One day you realize you want jewelry-making back in your life because creativity is a meaningful motivator for you. In fact, as your thoughts take shape, you decide you’d like to create a side business by selling at craft fairs. At the very least, you’d pick up some extra money— another motivator. You spend some time in Contemplation, dreaming and scheming about this idea. At first, it seems impossible. But now you know how to coach yourself through Contemplation. You tell yourself, “I could use some support.” You have a friend who knows about the craft fair circuit. You decide to talk with her to find out the pluses and pitfalls. She relays her experiences and tells you about the local shows with inexpensive booth rental fees. You also realize you can use the Internet as a resource. You find some useful

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websites—websites that teach you how to choose the right show, figure out if you are likely to make a profit, and reach your customers. You’re still a bit scared, so you tell yourself, “Try a mini-goal.” You sign up for a table at a small flea market. Now you are in Preparation. You begin sketching out unique ways to display your merchandise. You invest in a small display case. Before you know it, you are selling your wares—the Action Stage. You break even, and you enjoy the experience. Looking back, you realize you made a few mistakes, but now you know that lapses are just part of the process. You decide to participate in more shows—better shows!—the following summer. Then you begin to dream about a website to market your jewelry.… Try this: Finish This Sentence “I could use habit change skills to fulfill this dream of mine: ______________________.”

H elp Oth er Peo ple with Yo u r Habit C h a n ge Sk i ll s You can use your habit change skills to make some much-needed changes in this world. Lynda Commale, a mother from Pennsylvania, saw a documentary on malaria in Africa. One fact became emblazoned on her mind: An African child dies of malaria every 30 seconds. But she also learned that if children and adults sleep under insecticide-treated bed nets, the disease can be prevented. Buy one $10 net, save a child’s life. Hmm. Commale told her children what she’d learned. To tell the story to others, 5-year-old Katherine and her younger brother Joseph used a pizza box to create a simple diorama of an African hut, complete with bed and bed netting. When Lynda and Katherine used this diorama at a church presentation, they raised $2,000. That was 200 lives saved. Using the same small-steps strategy, they’ve now raised over $73,000. You do the math! Speaking of nets, I hope some of you will tackle the repair of our American safety nets—Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid—and consider how to create new nets, such as universal health insurance. When life expectancy between the wealthy and poor continues to widen yearly, we must realize that a “level playing field” for all is just a slogan, not a reality. As I write, too many Americans must scramble to provide

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for their basic needs of survival—security, food, and shelter. Can you imagine trying to change eating patterns or any other harmful habit when you are working at a minimum wage job without health insurance, hope of a decent pension, or affordable housing? A few heroic people could do it, but not many. What are the first mini-steps, or maxisteps, toward making headway with these daunting problems? Could you find a support group (political or otherwise) that could help? If you have the desire to help others, try a mini-goal or two and see where it leads. You never know. W h i le Yo u Wait … You may not be ready to make your next move. While you are in wait-and-see mode, you might enjoy just imagining the possibilities for your next goal. I would start with a brainstorming activity. You could do this with friends or on your own. The activity is this: Make a life list. A life list is simply a list of things you might like to accomplish in your life. Some call it a bucket list—things you’d like to do before you, well, kick the bucket, as in the film The Bucket List. This list can include habits you’d like to break or make, career goals, travel goals, relationship goals, social and political goals, money goals, learning goals, and anything else that’s important to you. Choose a goal from this list. Then just sit with it for a little while in the Contemplation Stage. Does it feel right? Is it realistic? Is this a good time in your life for that goal? Is this what you need to do? Is it really what you want to do? If you answer “no” to some of these questions, try on a different goal. Once you’ve chosen an exciting project, find a galvanizing motivator, set a clear goal, and devise a workable plan. As you do, think about how you could use these simple secrets of habit change to achieve your goal: Wake yourself up. Feel compassion for yourself. Welcome the pain. Use the super-tools. Get support when you need help. Try a mini-goal. Use encouraging self-talk. Keep on keeping on. Learn from your mistakes. And all the rest. You may have realized the great secret behind all these secrets: These are not just the secrets of habit change. These are the secrets of reaching any goal. They are the secrets of living a good life—the life that’s best for you. Now that you’ve got changepower, use it to find that good life and to live it to the fullest! In the words of the poem that began this book, walk down another street.

Add More Power to Changepower! Did this program help you change your target habit? If so, I’d like to hear your story. Maybe you discovered a secret that could be included in the next edition of Changepower. Your secret could help others, so please share it. Just e-mail me at [email protected]. Even if you haven’t yet changed your habit successfully, I would still like to hear from you. How could this book have been more helpful to you? What stumbling blocks prevented you from reaching your change goal? E-mail me, and I will use your feedback to add any missing links to the next edition of this book. If I include your idea, secret, or story, I’ll credit you in the Acknowledgments. Thank you for reading Changepower! For additional inspiration, tips, and advice, please visit my website, www.changepower.net.

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Acknowledgments This book would have never come into existence without my friend Elizabeth Powell, psychologist and author extraordinaire. Beth Powell helped me understand that I needed to write in the same tone that I used to speak with students. She guided me to replace my academic prose (“Ack,” she called it) with conversational prose. She helped me iron out my rumpled thinking. And she did this over and over again, relapse after relapse, until I finally got the point. Although this book is not perfect, it is incomparably better than it would have been without Beth’s support and help. Beth, I will never be able to thank you enough. Thanks to Beth, my manuscript was born. But how would I, a first-time author, ever help it grow up and get published? Dr. Howard Rosenthal, to the rescue! After reading part of the manuscript, Howard linked me up to his editor. The rest is history. Howard has also been an admirable role model for me, demonstrating that one person can work as a full-time teacher and counselor and still be a productive writer. My editor, Dana Bliss at Routledge, was the third part of this hat trick. He shepherded me through the submissions process and was always available to give honest feedback, find errors of omission and commission, and answer my multitudes of questions with openness and courtesy. I am eternally grateful that he valued my book and took a chance on me. This book has been based on the habit change research and insights of these outstanding researchers and mental health professionals: James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross, Carlo C. DiClemente, G. Alan Marlatt, William R. Miller, Stephen Rollnick, Stanton Peele, Bill O’Hanlon, as well as many others. I have tried to present the best of their work in readable prose that gives people the heart to change their habits. Special thanks go to Dr. James Prochaska and Bill O’Hanlon for their generous support of my work. Many friends and colleagues read the early drafts or made helpful comments, including Susan Waugh, Mary Jane Rosenfeld, Jill 235

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Johnson, Madeleine Kreysar, Danella Coleman, Patsy O’Connell, Ellen Rashbaum, and Laura Sterman. Various counseling colleagues helped teach the habit change class and added their wisdom and insight: Jane Klopfenstein, Dr. Joe Worth, Marty Kennedy, Kathleen Swyers, and Martha Metter. For their support through the years, I thank the Lunch Bunch, Dr. Ank Ankenbrand, Margaret Londy, and Eleanor Sorgman. I thank the mental health professionals who contributed to the evolution of my thinking, including Dr. Kim McCallum, Lori Galperin, and Dr. Rozz Young. For graphics help, I thank Carol Hoogland, Lucie Nansteel, Dara Mark, and Shirin Ardakani. I am grateful to St. Louis Community College for granting me a sabbatical in the spring of 2001, so that I could immerse myself in habit change research and develop my course. The Florissant Valley library staff was patient and responsive to my many library needs. I thank my union, the National Education Association, for fighting for my rights. Without a decent pension, I would not have been able to carve out the time to write this book in the early years of my retirement. I am fortunate that my parents, Virginia Frank Rashbaum and Phillip Rashbaum, emphasized the virtues of a healthy lifestyle and practiced what they preached. My aunt and uncle, Eva and Mayer Rashbaum, stimulated my thinking about habit change as I came of age. I cherish my memories of them all. I would also like to thank Beth Rashbaum for her forbearance as she helped field my writing projects over the years. My sister, Kate Kimelman, provided humor and encouragement as I weathered the ups and downs of the writing life. My daughter, Elizabeth Selig, and my partner, Brian Carr, inspired me to keep on keeping on during the tough times. Finally, I’m grateful to my many students from whom I learned so much. Thanks to Michelle Worthy, Tina Adams, Brenda Warren, Philip C. Nalbone, Melissa Kerner-Lynch, Joe Licata Jr., Rachel Gagliardi, Courtney Draper, Jenna Lollis, Melissa Ketcherside, Jill Nevins, Melissa O’Connell, Philip Davila, Kathleen Havard, Jessicka Haynes, LaTanya Smith, Milad Ahmadi-Nouran, Ryann Cadelli, Jennifer Killebrew, Shelley Sharp, Tanyea Epps, Micah Fisher, Barbara Jackson, Sarah Latham, Marvin Patton, Kelly Rebmann, Mary Shelly, Bartholomew Alford, Uhura Reynolds, Manyika Jones, Raylecia Eddington, Kavonia McNair, Sol Byrd, Meka Gilliam, Amelia Honeywood, Annette Jones-Smith, Carla White, Damien Robinson, Keith Beckham, Derrick Chatman, Kenon Eikerenkoetter, Rhonda Gilkey, Katrina Haley, Mardeen Kimble, Abby Pollard, Allan Sanders, Veronica Fredericks, Erica Love, Deirdre Lue, Carol

Acknowledgments

Parks, Matthew Simon, James Stingley, LaRonna Veltrop, Carmelita Bell, Christopher Elem, Dianne Pederson, Latoisha West, Pier Young, Mary Natoli, Lori Boenker, Melissa Clark, Melanie Duffy, John Grindon, Danesh Hemchand, Della Koster, Mary Obremski, Tyhesa Bell, LaToya Cole, Christine Heisler, Heather Kelley, Jennifer King, Matt Mispagel, Patricia Oakes, Christine Woytus, Charisse King, Philip Douglass, Candace Burt, Mary Orbin, Claudia Reis, Georgia Sutton, Dolline Tatum, Avery Taylor, Sheri White, Ellen Wilsden, Stephanie Boykin, Angela Clacks, Trina Clerkley, Amy Grace, Deborah Mingo, Harvey Price, Lin Roberts, Tim Snyder, Kelly Stumm, Shannon Sykes, Kristie Warren, Nicole Moore, Carol Puckett, Shauna Thomson, Catrina Brown, Nedra Daugherty, Casey Dikkers, Annette Herman, Phyllis Jourdan, Shannon Mahon, Megan O’Toole, Angela Smith, Troyce Venturella, Kristen Wilkerson, Doris Wilson, and Kasey LaVear.

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xiv Yet smoking, obesity, and drinking remain the leading causes of all deaths: From Science Daily, http://www.sciencedaily.com/ releases/2004/03/040310080039.htm. Based on 2000 mortality data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. See also Ali H. Mokdad et al, “Actual Causes of Death in the United States, 2000,” Journal of the American Medical Association 291 (2004), 1238–1245. Leading Causes of U.S. Deaths, 2000 Tobacco Obesity related Alcohol Totals

Number of Deaths

Total U.S. Deaths (%)

435,000 400,000   85,000 920,000

18.1% 16.6%   3.5% 38.2%

Sec tio n I: SPRI NGBOA RD

3 “A key to successful change:” James O. Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo C. DiClemente, Changing for Good (New York: Avon, 1994), 39. 4 Approximately 55% of New Year’s resolutions: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 204. 4 Only 5 to 20% of prospective habit changers: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 48, 222. 4 About 95% of dieters who lose weight will regain it within 1 to 5 years: From the National Eating Disorder Information Center (NEDIC) website, http://www.nedic.ca/knowthefacts/statistics. shtml (accessed 10/07/08). 239

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6 Wheel of Change: Adapted and revised from William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, “The Wheel of Change,” in William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, Motivational Interviewing (New York: Guilford, 1991), 15. Interestingly, Buddhists also use a “wheel of change” to describe the Four Noble Truths. See Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching (New York: Broadway Books, 1998), 10. James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente use a spiral model of change, envisioning the change process as a set of circles spiraling upward, somewhat like a pulled-apart Slinky. I’ve put a slice of the Precontemplation Stage on the Wheel to represent the Precontemplators with opening minds. 13–14 Anyone who tries to make a habit change and fails is twice as likely to succeed: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 50. 17 “Scrooge on Christmas morning:” From W. R. Miller and J. C’de Baca, Quantum Change (New York: Guilford, 2001), 9. 20 Amazing Grace: Miller and C’de Baca, Quantum Change, 141. 24 Detect your success pattern: In this chapter, I’ve relied heavily on techniques from solution-focused therapy. Particularly helpful were Bill O’Hanlon, Do One Thing Different (New York: Quill, 1999); and B. O’Hanlon and W.H. O’Hanlon, Change 101 (New York: Norton, 2006), as well as the work of Steve de Shazer. 31 Neurons that fire together wire together: In Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself (New York: Viking, 2007), 63, this statement is attributed to neuroscientist Carla Shatz. 31 Brain circuits grow stronger after repeated activities: R. Restak, Brainscapes (New York: Hyperion, 1995), 38. 32 Your neighborhood may also influence your choices: Numerous studies have shown that low-income communities tend to have few recreational areas (Bryan Walsh, “It’s Not Just Genetics,” Time, June 23, 2008, 70–72). In one study of a low-income community, Ward 8 of Washington, D.C., 81% of food vendors were either convenience stores or fast-food outlets (Steven Hendrix and Hamil R. Harris, “In D.C., Where Kids Live Sets Tone for Weight Loss Success,” Washington Post, May 20, 2008). Over half the children in Ward 8 were overweight or obese compared to 31% nationwide. 33 Classic qualities of habit: James Claiborn and Cherry Pedrick, The Habit Change Workbook (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2001), 5. 34, 35 Word origins: Habit and addiction: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd ed. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1992), 810, 20, respectively. 34 Addiction: Brain disease or extreme form of habit: The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) of the National Institutes of



Endnotes



35



35



35



35



37



38

Health is squarely behind the idea that addiction is a “chronic, relapsing brain disease.” See NIDA, “Drugs, Brains and Behavior: The Science of Addiction,” http://www.nida.nih.gov/scienceofaddiction/ (accessed 09/08/08), as well as the writings of numerous others. A proponent of the “extreme form of habit” viewpoint is A. T. Horvath, Sex, Drugs, Gambling, and Chocolate (San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact, 1998), 1. Psychologist Stanton Peele is a vocal critic of the disease model. “One person’s bad habit is another person’s death sentence:” Restak, Brainscapes, 123. “A safe, healthy, and pleasurable relationship:” This fortunate phrase is from Randy Cohen’s column, “The Ethicist,” New York Times Magazine, June 8, 2008, 29. Studies show that about 1,700 college students: The number of deaths may well be higher. From a 2002 study of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). See NIAAA, “Alcohol and the Developing Adolescent Brain,” http:// www.niaaa.nih.gov/NewsEvents/NewsReleases/College.htm (accessed 09/08/08). Brain development: See NIAAA, “Alcohol and the Developing Adolescent Brain.” Quiz: A tip of the hat to Dr. Ray Lowe of the University of Oregon, who began his class, Dreikursian Principles of Adlerian Psychology, with a similar activity. In fact, scientists now realize that genes and environment don’t operate independently of each other: See Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence (New York: Bantam, 2007), for a particularly clear discussion of this idea in the chapter “Genes Are Not Destiny.”

Sec tio n I I: PRECO NTEM PL ATI O N

43 Scrooge: Charles A. Dickens, A Christmas Carol (1843; reprint, London: King Penguin, 1984), 47. 49 “Like a boomerang in flight:” The phrase is from Bill Wilson’s description of his descent into alcoholism in Alcoholics Anonymous (New York: A.A. World Services, 2001), 2. 50 True self-care: Some concepts in this chapter are from Alice D. Domar and Henry Dreyer, Self-Nurture (New York: Penguin, 2000), 11 ff. 53 Reduce harm: See Patt Denning, Jeannie Little, and Adina Glickman, Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide for Managing Drugs and Alcohol (New York: Guilford, 2004). 56 “What would have to happen:” This question, and other questions useful for helping Precontemplators rethink their habits, can be

2 41

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found in Stephen Rollnick, Pip Mason, and Chris Butler, Health Behavior Change (New York: Churchill Livingstone, 2000). 62 “You Can’t Get Hooked:” James McBride, The Color of Water: A Black Man’s Tribute to His White Mother (New York: Riverhead, 1996), 162.

Sec tio n I I I: CO NTEM PL ATI O N 67 Hahn Quote: Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching (New York: Broadway, 1998), 25. 67 Habit trance: The concept of trance has been adapted from Craig Nakken, The Addictive Personality (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1996), 2 ff. 68–70 Suggestions on becoming mindful: I am grateful to Dave Ellis for his detailed descriptions of how to become aware in the present moment. See Dave Ellis, Becoming a Master Student (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2000), and the accompanying tapes. I have also been influenced by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living (New York: Bantam Dell, 2005). 70 Some people believe that the aware part of you: See, for example, Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (New York: Plume, 2005), 186 ff. 71–72 A recent study showed that people who kept food diaries: “Keeping a Food Diary Doubles Diet Weight Loss, Study Suggests,” http:// www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080708080738.htm (accessed 10/10/2008). From a study in the August 2008 issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Also reported in Sanjay Gupta, “Dear (Food) Diary,” Time, August 4, 2008, 70. 74 Go-getters: Keep track of calories: There are many free online food journals, including those at www.fitday.com, http://mypyramidtracker.gov, www.nutritiondata.com, and “The Daily Plate” at www.livestrong.com. The “nutrition tracker” at www.sparkpeople.com is free and easy to use, and provides both calorie count and nutrition information. 79 “Sometimes people are motivated more by their wounds than by their bliss:” Bill O’Hanlon and W. H. O’Hanlon, Change 101: A Practical Guide to Creating Change in Life or Therapy (New York: Norton, 2006), 4. 80 But when you look at soda or beer ads: If memory serves, this idea came from a long-ago Doonesbury cartoon. Thanks, Garry Trudeau! 80–81 The Four Noble Truths: Hahn, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, 9–12. 83 Eight Great Motivators: I would like to acknowledge Stanton Peele, 7 Tools to Beat Addiction (New York: Three Rivers Press,



Endnotes



86



87



89



91



92



98

101 104

106

2004), as a source for some of the Eight Great Motivators in this chapter. Research shows that good relationships: For more information on the science behind the healing power of love and good relationships, see Dean Ornish, Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy (New York: HarperCollins, 1997). Rosa Parks: See Paul Rogat Loeb, Soul of a Citizen: Living With Conviction in a Cynical Time (New York: St. Martin’s, 1999), 34–35, for insights on the Parks story. Happiness: Tal Ben-Shahar, Happier: Can You Learn to Be Happy? (New York: McGraw Hill, 2007), 33. Ripple effect: Gina Kolata, “Study Finds Big Social Factor in Quitting Smoking,” The New York Times, May 22, 2008. David Sedaris: David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames (New York: Little, Brown, 2008), 253 ff. People who make their New Year’s resolutions public: Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness (New York: Penguin, 2007), 219. “Catch it, challenge it, change it:” Walt Schafer, Stress Management for Wellness (New York: Harcourt Brace College, 1996), 373. Your mind has changed your brain: Studies that show the evidence for this statement can be found in Sharon Begley, Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain (New York: Ballantine, 2007); and Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself. Pros and cons list: You can also assign weights to each factor on your list, as recommended in Mary M. Velasquez, Gaylyn G. Maurer, Cathy Crouch, and Carlo C. DiClemente, Group Treatment for Substance Abuse: A Stages-of-Change Therapy Manual (New York: Guilford, 2001), 84 ff.

Sec tio n IV: PREPA R ATI O N 115 Warm turkey: The phrase is mentioned and the concept discussed in Patt Denning, Jeannie Little, and Adina Glickman, Over the Influence: The Harm Reduction Guide for Managing Drugs and Alcohol (New York: Guildford, 2004), 211. The concept comes from an article by W. R. Miller and A. C. Page, “Warm Turkey: Alternative Routes to Abstinence,” Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment 8 (1991): 227–232. 120 New neural pathways: Robert Maurer, One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way (New York: Workman, 2004), 26–27.

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122 Maslow quote: Abraham H. Maslow, The Psychology of Science: A Reconnaissance (New York: Harper & Row, 1966), 15–16. 123 Super-tools: I’ve replaced Prochaska and DiClemente’s term “processes of change” with this term. Both refer to general strategies of change. 123 Twelve super-tools: In Changing for Good, Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross describe nine major processes of change (pp. 27 ff). I’ve relabeled some of these processes (soul-searching for selfreevaluation, emotional connection for emotional arousal, and substituting for countering) and added self-care, distress tolerance, and imagination to the list. 126 Distress tolerance: The concept is from Marsha M. Linehan, Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (New York: Guilford, 1993). 127 Successful habit changers carry a large toolbox: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 34. 128 Neurons that fire apart wire apart: Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself, 64. 128 Do one thing different: From the title of Bill O’Hanlon’s book, Do One Thing Different. 132 Food psychologist Brian Wansink: Brian Wansink, Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think (New York: Bantam, 2006), 85. 134 Calms the fear centers of our brains: Louis Cozolino, “It’s a Jungle in There,” Psychotherapy Networker, September–October 2008, 20–27. 134 Some research indicates: Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness, 219. 135 80% of habit changers will fail without support: The claim is from Judd Allen, Not Alone: Healthy Habits, Helpful Friends (Burlington, VT: healthyculture.com, 2007), 11. 142 Your Change Plan and Relapse Prevention: This section has been adapted for general habit change from M.  B. Sobell and L.  C. Sobell, Problem Drinkers (New York: Guilford, 1993), 102.

Sec tio n V: AC TI O N 163 Manage the cravings: Some suggestions are from Velasquez et al., Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, 172–176. 164 You might tell yourself all the things you love about your destructive habit: Relapse experts refer to those things you love as “positive outcome expectancies.” Rosy scenarios about how great your habit will make you feel are major factors in relapse. G. Alan Marlatt and W. H. George “Relapse Prevention and the

Endnotes

167 169 171

176

183

Maintenance of Optimal Health,” in S. A. Shumaker, J. K. Ockene, and K. A. Riekert (eds.), The Handbook of Health Behavior Change, 2nd ed. (New York: Springer, 1998), 40. High-risk relapse situations: Marlatt and George, “Relapse Prevention and the Maintenance of Optimal Health,” 38–39. Assertive behavior is defined as …: Pat Jakubowski and Arthur J. Lange, The Assertive Option (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 1978), 2. Excellent books about assertiveness: For general information, read Jakubowski and Lange, The Assertive Option; or Robert E. Alberti, Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior (San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact, 1978). For the best book on sexual assertiveness, read Elizabeth Powell, Sex on Your Terms (Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 1996). And research shows that it’s (the idea that money can buy happiness) not true: Numerous research studies show that money is important for meeting people’s basic needs; once those are met, additional money barely increases a person’s happiness level. See Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness (New York: Free Press, 2002), 49; and Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness, 42–45. Setting your intentions: Timothy McCall, Yoga as Medicine (New York: Bantam Dell, 2007), 24.

Sec tio n VI: L A PSE A ND REL A PSE 186 Only about 20% of habit changers: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 222. 186 Relapse is so common that at one time it was considered a stage of change itself: See the 1991 stages model in the first edition of W. R. Miller and S. Rollnick, Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People to Change Addictive Behavior (New York: Guilford, 1991), 15. 186 Fork in the road: The metaphor is from Marlatt and George, “Relapse Prevention and the Maintenance of Optimal Health,” 36. 186 Most relapsers return to the contemplation or preparation stage: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 221. 187 Even if you relapse, you are still more likely to achieve your habit change goal within 6 months: Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 50. 191 The stages also describe how you might adopt a bad habit: This process is thoroughly discussed in Carlo C. DiClemente, Addiction and Change: How Addictions Develop and Addicted People Recover (New York: Guilford, 2003), 44–61.

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196 Rule violation effect: The phrase is from Sobell and Sobell, Problem Drinkers, 44. 199 Coping card: This useful technique is recommended in Marlatt and George, “Relapse Prevention and the Maintenance of Optimal Health,” 47.

Sec tio n VI I: M A I NTEN A N C E

208 You can’t maintain your change unless you also maintain the use of your super-tools: Prochaska et al., in Changing for Good, pointed out that “maintenance refers not only to maintaining change but also to maintaining the use of the change processes” (p. 209). 210 Advantages of 12-step groups: K. Humphreys and E. Gifford, “Religion, Spirituality, and the Troublesome Use of Substances,” in W. R. Miller and K. M. Carroll (eds.), Rethinking Substance Abuse (New York: Guilford, 2006). 215 Wants and shoulds: G. Alan Marlatt and Judith R. Gordon, Relapse Prevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors (New York: Guilford, 1985), 47. 216 Expert opinions on a balanced life: Laurel Mellin’s idea of “Mastery Living,” in Laurel Mellin, The Solution (New York: ReganBooks, 1997), was particularly useful in developing my own definition of a balanced life. 219 Happiness ladder: Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness (New York: Free Press, 2002), 136, is the source of the ladder idea. 220 Positive psychology: M. E. P. Seligman, T. A. Steen, N. Park, and C. Peterson, “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions,” American Psychologist 60, no. 5 (2005): 410421, http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/images/apaarticle.pdf (accessed 10/7/08). 220–221 Three good things: Seligman et al., “Positive Psychology Progress,” 416 ff. 221 Random acts of kindness: K.  M. Sheldon and S. Lyubomirsky, “Achieving Sustainable New Happiness: Prospects, Practices, and Prescriptions,” in A. Linley and S. Joseph (eds.), Positive Psychology in Practice (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley, 2004), 135–137. 221–222 Goal-setting: Sheldon and Lyubomirsky, “Achieving Sustainable New Happiness,” 133–135.

Sec tio n VI I I: TER M I N ATI O N

224 Termination criteria: From Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 274 ff.

Endnotes

224 “If you no longer feel any desire to smoke:” Prochaska et al., Changing for Good, 276. 225–226 Other experts are more optimistic: See Peele, 7 Tools to Beat Addiction. 226 Two thirds of pregnant women resume smoking: From Salynn Boyles, “New Moms, Weight Worries, and Smoking,” WebMD Medical News, September 15, 2006 http://www.webmd.com/ news/20060915/new-moms-weight-smoking (accessed December 8, 2008). 229 Recent research shows that each person who quits the smoking habit: From Gina Kolata, “Study Finds Big Social Factor in Quitting Smoking,” New York Times, May 22, 2008, citing studies by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler. Of course, the opposite is also true—adopting a bad habit influences people in your social network to head down the same destructive path you are on. 230 Creating one healthy habit makes it easier to create another: “Fit Smokers May Have an Easier Time Quitting,” St. Louis Post-Dispatch, May 5, 2008. The article warns that taking up the exercise habit does not reduce the harm of smoking. However, of the 23,000 smokers studied, male and female runners were over one third more likely to try to quit smoking than their less active peers. 231 Mosquito nets: Donald G. McNeil Jr., “A $10 Mosquito Net Is Making Charity Cool,” New York Times, June 2, 2008. (To contribute to a responsible charity for this cause, go to www.nothingbutnets.net.) 231 Life expectancy: Robert Pear, “Gap in Life Expectancy Widens for the Nation,” New York Times, March 23, 2008.

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SELECT BIBLIOGRAPHY Ben-Shahar, T. (2007). Happier: Can you learn to be happy? New York: McGraw-Hill. Denning, P., Little, J., & Glickman, A. (2004). Over the influence: The harm reduction guide for managing drugs and alcohol. New York: Guilford. DiClemente, C. C. (2003). Addictions and change. New York: Guilford. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself. New York: Viking. Domar, A. D., & Dreher, H. (2000). Self-nurture. New York: Penguin. Ellis, D. (2000). Becoming a master student. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Hanh, T. N. (1998). The heart of the Buddha’s teaching. New York: Broadway. Horvath, A. T. (1998). Sex, drugs, gambling, & chocolate: A workbook for overcoming addictions. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact. Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness. New York: Penguin. Marlatt, G. A., & Gordon, J. R. (1985). Relapse prevention: Maintenance strategies in the treatment of addictive behaviors. New York: Guilford. Mellin, L. (1997). The solution. New York: ReganBooks. Miller, W. R., & C’de Baca, J. (2001). Quantum change. New York: Guilford. Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (1991). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people to change addictive behavior. New York: Guilford. (Also Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people for change (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford.) Nakken, C. (1996). The addictive personality. Center City, MI: Hazelden. O’Hanlon, B. (2000). Do one thing different. New York: Quill. Peele, S. (2004). 7 tools to beat addiction. New York: Three Rivers Press. Prochaska, J. O., Norcross, J., & DiClemente, C. C. (1994). Changing for good. New York: Avon. Seligman, M. (2002). Authentic happiness. New York: Free Press. Sobell, M. B., & Sobell, L. C. (1993). Problem drinkers. New York: Guilford.

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Index

A AA, see Alcoholics Anonymous Abstinence, 182, 190, 210, 226 Abusive relationships, 81 Acceptance, 39, 104 Action Stage, 5–6, 10–11, 155–156 assertiveness in, 167–172, 177 change day in, 10, 112, 157–160 coping with cravings in, 161–166 length of, 10 revising plans in, 179–183 sabotage in, 173–178 super-tools (techniques) effective in, 157–160 Addiction controversy about, 34–35, 225–226 definition, 35 denial and, 57 disease model of, 34, 225 help for, 60–61 indications of, 59 qualities of, 34 tolerance and, 35 word origin of, 35 Advertising, 175–177 Aggressive behavior, 168–169; see also Assertiveness Training; Assertive Behavior

Alcohol; see also Drinking; Problem habits abstaining from, 182, 190, 210, 226 brain development and, 35–36 binge drinking, 35, 107 cutting back on, 174 deaths associated with, xiv, 36 injuries associated with, 35 poisoning, 35, 107 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), 57, 210, 225, 229 “Amazing Grace,” 20 Aretino, Pietro, 223 Assertive behavior, 86, 167–172, 174–175, 177; see also Assertiveness training; Healthy habits; True self-care Assertiveness training, 167–172 Attention, see Mindfulness “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters,” vii Awareness, see Mindfulness

B Bad habits, see Problem habits Balanced life, 198, 215–218 Baseline, 71, 73–75, 76, 77 2 51

252

Index Behavior change, see Habit change; Change Ben-Shahar, Tal, 89 Brain chemistry, see Habit, brain chemistry and Bucket List, The, 232 Buddhism, 80–81 C Carnegie, Dale, 95 Carter, Jimmy, 163 “Catch it, challenge it, change it,” 101–104, 162–163; see also Self-talk C’de Baca, Janet, 17 Change, see also Self-change change point, 56–58 choice and, 37–40 coerced, 135–136 detecting success pattern, 25–29 gradual, 17 instant, 17–21 mixed feelings about, 8, 9 personal success pattern and, 24–29 “Change back” messages, 173–178 Change day, 10, 112, 157–160 Change plans, 9, 143–148, 159; see also Problem habits; Healthy habits modifying, 11, 180–183 samples, 144–145, 149–153 using super-tools in, 127 Changepower, xvi–xvii, xvii, 39 awareness and, 71 choice and, 39–40 definition, xix influencing others and, 229 mindset of, 66, 93 specific goals and, 119 Choice, 37–40 Churchill, Winston, 161

Clark, Frank A., 30 Cluttering, 47; see also Problem habits; Organizing Cognitive restructuring, 101–102; see also Self-talk “Cold turkey,” 94–95, 116; see also “Warm turkey” Commale, Lynda, 231 Commitment, 123, 148, 158, 208; see also Supertools; Habit change, techniques of Compassion, 42, 45–46, 197–198 Consciousness-raising, 68 Contemplation Stage, 5–6, 8–9, 65–66, 201 awareness and, 68 baselining in, 73–76 changing self-talk in, 100–104 decision-making in, 105–110 enhancing motivation in, 95–99 mindfulness in, 67–72 mixed feelings in, 66 pain motivators and, 78–82 positive motivators in, 83–93; see also Eight Great Motivators pros and cons list and, 106–107 researching habit in, 106–107 tasks of, 66 trance state and, 67–72 vows in, 108–109 Conway, Jill Ker, 105 Counseling, 59–61, 63,183 Couric, Katie, 90 Covey, Stephen, 90 Cravings, 69, 158, 161–165 charting, 165 defined, 161 duration, 162 managing, 163–165 self-talk about, 162–163 surfing, 164 versus withdrawal, 166 Crisis, help for, 60–61

Index D Dalai Lama, 221 Depression, 183, 196 Designated driver, 54; see also Harm reduction Diabetes, 67 Dickens, Charles, 43 DiClemente, Carlo C., xv, 3, 5 Dieting, 4, 27; see also Weight Loss Distress tolerance, 126, 197; see also Habit change, techniques of; Super-tools Drinking, 22–23, 174; see also Alcohol; Problem habits as cause of death, xiv binge drinking, 35–36 brain development and, 35–36

Exercise, 74, 81, 151–152, 227; see also Healthy habits; True self-care Existential moments, 18–19 F False self-care, 48–52, 85, 107; see also True self-care Fear of public speaking, 19–20; see also Public speaking Financial issues, 152–153, 177; see also Problem habits Flossing, 19, see also Healthy habits; True self-care Food journal (diary), 68, 71 Four Noble Truths, 80–81 Framing, 98 Franklin, Benjamin, 140, 205

E

G

Edgeworth, Maria, 215 Edison, Thomas, 179, 200 Eightfold Path, 81 Eight Great Motivators, the, 83–93, see also Motivators Einstein, Albert, 200 Eisenhower, Dwight D., 148 Elevator question, the, 57 Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 228 Emotional connection, see also Habit change, techniques of, emotional connection; Super-tools as change super-tool, 123 imagination and, 127 trigger for instant change and, 20–21 Environmental engineering, 124, 131, 147, 158, 164, 211; see also Habit Change, techniques of, environmental engineering; Super-tools

Galsworthy, John, 1 Gandhi, Mahatma, 37, 167 Gambling, 84–85, 177; see also Problem habits Goals discussing with others, 98 mini-goals, 115–121 motivators vs., 84 positive framing of, 98 SMART, 118–120, 182 “Goldilocks test,” 181–182 Good habits, 25–26, 71; see also Healthy habits; Exercise, etc. Gradual change, 17; see also Stages of change; Quick-change path Groundhog Day, 185–186 H Habit as coping mechanism, 45–46

253

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as learned behavior, 33 brain chemistry and, 31, 68, 120, 127–128, 134, 161` defined, 33, 34 emotional needs and, 32 environmental factors in, 32, 38 genetic factors in, 31–32 38 habit list, 18, 25–26 power of, 30–36 profiteers, 175–176 self-care and, 33, 148 social problems and, 32–33, 46 triggers, 69, 141, 158, 163–164, 193 word origin of, 34 Habit change(s) most wanted, xvii, xviii researching information on, 107 role of choice, 38–40 skills and helping others, 231–232 transferable, xviii, 228–232 success in, 13–14, 37–40 techniques of, 122–128; see also Super-tools awareness, 123; see also Mindfulness commitment, 123, 148, 158, 208 countering, see substitution distress tolerance, 126, 147, 158, 162–164, 167, 197 emotional connection, 20–21, 123 environmental engineering, 124, 131, 147, 158, 164, 211 imagination, 127, 130, 141–142 rewards, 125, 131, 159, 212 safe environment, 123, 131, 136 self-care, 126–127, 158, 164, 209



soul-searching, 9, 123, 164 substitution, 124, 147, 158–159, 164, 208–209, 211 support, 125, 131, 133–139, 148, 159, 164, 199 Habit change goal, see Goals Habit list, 25–26 Habit trance, 33, 67–70 emerging from, 71–73 positive side of, 71 recognizing self-defeating thoughts in, 102 HALT technique, 126 Hanh, Thich Nhat, 67, 80 Happiness activities to increase, 219–222 as a motivator, 89 self-control and, 229 Harm reduction, 53–55, 56–58, 117 Healthy eating, 174–175, 179–180, 189–194, 210, 213–214, 227, 229; see also Overeating; Weight loss; True self-care plans, 77, 149–150 support for, 136, 150, 210, 213, 214 Healthy habits, 25–26, 71, 229, 230; see also Exercise, etc. Healthy lifestyle, 81 Healthy self-talk, 100–104, 176, 192, 209 Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, The, 80 Helping relationships, see Support; Habit change, techniques of, support; Super-tools Heraclitus, 65 Homer’s Iliad, 53 Hooker, Richard, 157 Hotlines, 60 Hugo, Victor, 83, 84

Index I Identity issues, 21, 36 Imagination, see also Habit Change, Techniques of, imagination; Super-tools Instant change, 4, 17–23, 24–29 J Jackson, Jesse, 39 James, William, 24, 173 Job search, 18, 153 Journal, xvii, 71, see also Food journals L Laing, R.D., 49 Lao-tse, 129 Lappe, Anna, 73 Lapse(s), 156, 160, 185–187; see also Relapse coping with, 192–193, 199 defined, 11, 186 planned, 193 M Maintenance Stage, 5, 12, 205–206 balanced life in, 215–218 checklist for, 212 increasing happiness in, 219–222 length of, 12, 206 super-tools for, 207–214 Termination stage vs., 206 Mantras, see Mottoes Marijuana, 62; see also Problem habits; False self-care Marlatt, Alan, 186, 215 Maslow, Abraham, 122 May, Rollo, 195 McBride, James, 62 Meaning, 89, 93; see also Eight Great Motivators

Mental rehearsal, 141–142, 160, 193; see also Habit change, techniques of, imagination Miller, William R., 17 Milton, John, 100 Mindfulness, 67–72 barriers to, 70 overcoming self-defeating thoughts and, 102–104 Mini-goals, 10, 115–121, 145; see also SMART goals Mini-plans, 119; see also SMART goals Moderation, 182, 226 Money, see Financial issues Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), 54 Motivation; see also Motivators; Eight Great Motivators emotions and, 97 external, xix how to enhance, 96–99 internal, xix mindset about, 95–96 using success pattern, 28 Motivators, 9, 228; see also Eight Great Motivators Action stage and, 159 Contemplation stage and, 9 definition of, 66, 84 enhancing effectiveness of, 97–99 friendship as, 85–86, 93–94 goals and personal mission as, 87–88 happiness as, 89 leadership and role modeling as, 90–91 less-than-noble, 92 love and relationships as, 85–87 negative, 87, 92 pain as, 78–82 positive role model as, 90–91

255

256

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problem habit vs., 108, 201 pros and cons list and, 106 pull motivators, 84 push motivators, 78, 84 self-respect as, 88 spirituality as, 91 values as, 84–85 versus goals, 84 vision of a better future as, 89–90 word origin of, 97 Mottoes, 104, 147 N Nhat Hanh, Thich, See Hanh, Thich Nhat National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), 34 Nelson, Portia, vii Negative self-talk, 100–102 catching, 102, 156 challenges to, 103 changing, 101–104 cravings and, 164 in relapse, 196–199 in Maintenance stage, 208–209 Neuronal circuits, 31 New Year’s resolutions, 4, 98 Nietzsche, Friedrich, 137 Nonassertive behavior, 168, 175; see also Assertiveness Training; Assertive behavior Norcross, John C., xv, 3 O Obesity deaths, xiv; see also Problem habits, overeating; Weight loss O’Hanlon, Bill, 79, 128 Oprah, 133, 139

Organizing, 89–90; see also Cluttering; Problem Habits; Healthy Habits; True self-care Overeaters Anonymous, 136; see also Weight loss, support groups for Overeating, xiv, 67–68, 189–194, 210, 213–214; see also Weight loss; Problem habits baseline for, 74 change plans and, 112, 115–116, 138–139, 149–150, 213, 214 mindfulness and, 67–72, 132 overcoming perfectionism and, 138–139, 181 Overspending; see Financial issues; Problem habits P Pain motivators, 78–82, 106; see also Motivators Parks, Rosa, 87 Peele, Stanton, 225–226 Perfectionism, 74, 185 coping with, 181 Persistence statistics, 13–14 Plan power, 111–112, 148; see also Preparation Stage, planning in Pleasure, 33, 44, 89 Posture, 107; see also Contemplation stage, researching habit in Precontemplation stage, 5–6, 6–8, 41–42, 201 change point and, 56–58 compassion and, 43–46 discouragement and, 44–45 emerging from, 42, 56–58, 59–61

Index harm reduction in, 53–55 returning to, 11 social problems in, 46 stuck in, 7 support in, 59–61 transition to Contemplation, 42, 62–63 Pregnancy, 19, 83–84, 226 Preparation Stage, 5–6, 9–10, 111–113 change day in, 112 change plans and, 112, 127, 143–148 mini-goals in, 116–121 planning in, 111–113, 142, 143–149 relapse prevention and, 140–142 sample plans and, 149–153 super-tools (techniques) effective in, 122–128, 132 support in, 133–139 tasks of, 108, 112 willpower in, 129–132 Preventable deaths, xiv Problem habits; see also Drinking, Overeating, etc. acknowledgment of, 62–63, 65–66 advertising influences on, 175–178 coping and, 45–46 emotional stress and, 32–33, 43–46 environmental factors and, 38 genetics and, 31–32, 38 harm reduction and, see Harm reduction insight into, 43–46, 48–52 luck and, 38 origins of, 44, 49 pros and cons of, 106–107 social pressure and, 167, 173–177 social issues and, 32, 46 versus bad habit, 34 versus motivator, 200–201 Prochaska, James O., xv, 3, 5

Procrastination, 7–13, 43–44, 74, 151; see also Time management Pros and cons list, 106–108, 109–110 Public speaking, 19–20, 86 Purpose, see Meaning Q Quantum Change, 17 Quick-change artists, 15, 17 Quick-change path, 17–23, 24–29 Quit smoking, see Smoking cessation R Rationalization, 7 Rational Recovery (RR), 135 Rebellion, 7 Relapse, 5–6, 11–12, 185–187, see also Lapse causes of, 167 coping with, 196–199 definition of, 11, 186 feelings aroused by, 195–199 high-risk situations for, 141 learning from, 196–199 prevention, 140–142, 189–194 return to earlier stages after, 186 reevaluating motivators and, 200–201 self-talk and, 191–192 statistics, 186–187 using success pattern to overcome, 28, 202 Relapse prevention, 189–194; see also Relapse, Lapse high-risk situations for, 142, 167 mental vaccination for, 140–142 Relationships, 86; see also Support Restak, Richard, 35 Reward, 125, 131, 159, 212; see also Habit change, techniques of, reward; Super-tools

257

258

Index Role model, 90; see also Motivators; Eight Great Motivators “Rule violation effect,” 196 S Safe environment, 123, 131, 136; see also Habit change, techniques of, safe environment; Super-tools Saint-Exupery, Antoine de, 143 Savings plans, 152–153; see also Healthy habits; True self-care Sederis, David, 92 Self-care, 48–51, 52; see also True self-care; False self-care; Habit change, techniques of, self-care as super-tool of change, 126 change plan, use in, 182 HALT technique and, 126 in Maintenance stage, 209–210 Self-change; see also Change successful, xv, 4, 5 success pattern, personal, 24–29 statistics, 4, 13–14 two types of, 17 Self-criticism, 11, 45 Self-help groups, see Support, support groups Self-image, 88, 211–212, 224 Self-monitoring, 75, see also Baseline, Food journal Self-respect, 88; see also Motivators; Eight Great Motivators Self-talk, 100–104; see also Negative self-talk; Healthy self-talk countering advertising messages and, 176 countering cravings and, 162–165



role in lapse and relapse prevention, 191–192 role in Maintenance stage, 209 “Setting your intentions,” 183 Shyness, 86; see also Assertive behavior Sleep habits, 74, 152, 194; see also True self-care; Healthy habits Slips, see Lapses SMART goals, 118–119, 182; see also Goals Smoking, 52, 90, 93–94, 107, 112, 174, 195–198, 202–203, 226 baseline for, 74 cravings and, 165 cutting down to quit, 147–148, 150 deaths and, xiv fertility and, 107 mindfulness and, 72 pregnancy and, 226 quit plans, 15–16, 24–25, 83–84, 144–145, 150–151, 157–160, 165 relapse triggers and, 140–142 Smoking cessation, 15–16, 24–25; see also Smoking, quit plans Soda habit, 107, 184; see also Problem habits Soul-searching, see Habit change, techniques of, soulsearching Spirituality, 91–92; see also Eight Great Motivators Stages of change, xv, 5, 6–13; see also Action stage; Contemplation stage; Precontemplation stage; Preparation stage; Relapse; Termination stage adopting bad habits and, 191

Index healthy goals and, 230–232 self-assessment of, 14–15 snap decision vs., 13 St. Augustine, 41 Study habits, 74, 151; see also Procrastination; Time management; True selfcare Substitution, 124, 147, 158–159, 164, 208, 211 see also Habit change, techniques of, substitution; Super-tools Success pattern, 24–29 Super-tools, 122–128; see also Habit change, techniques of as willpower back-ups, 130–132 brain chemistry and, 127–128 in Action stage, 128, 157–160 in Contemplation stage, 123 in Maintenance stage, 208–212 in Preparation, 123–127 relapse prevention and, 140–142 Support, 133–139; see also Habit change, techniques of, support; Super-tools as willpower back-up, 131 change plan and, 180–181 in Maintenance stage, 210–211 in Preparation Stage, 133–139 networks, 133–134, 137–139, 175 overcoming inner barriers to, 137 overcoming relapse and, 198 scale of, 135–136 support groups, 27, 131, 136, 180, 210–211 T Television (TV) habit, 48–49; see also Problem habits Termination Stage, 5–6, 13, 223–224, indicators of, 224 smoking cessation and, 13



transferable skills in, 228–232 versus Maintenance, 224, 225–227 Therapy, see Counseling Thinking habits, 120–121; see also Self-Talk; Negative selftalk; Healthy self-talk Time management, 6–12, 74, 149, 151; see also Healthy habits; True self-care TOPS (“Take Off Pounds Sensibly”), 131, 136, 150; see also Support, support groups; Weight loss Trances, see Habit trance Transferable skills, xvii, 230–232 Trauma, 45 Triggers, see Habit, triggers True self-care, 48–52, 107, 159; see also False self-care; Self-care Twain, Mark, 115 Twelve-step programs, 126, 136, 210 U Urges, see Cravings V Vaccination, mental, 140–142, 193 Visualization, 89–90; see also Imagination; Habit change, techniques of, imagination W

Wansink, Brian, 132 Warhol, Andy, 56 “Warm turkey,” 115–116 Weight loss; see also Overeating; Healthy eating baseline and, 74 food journals and, 68, 71–72, 74

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research about, 210 support groups for, 27, 131, 136, 210 versus yo-yo dieting, 27–28 Weight Watchers, 136, 210; see also Weight loss, support groups for; Habit change, techniques of, support Wheel of Change, 5, 6, 8, 201 Wilde, Oscar, 130 Willingness, 14

Willpower, xvi, xvii as sub-tool of commitment, 129 back-ups to, 130–132 definition of, xix, 129 environmental engineering and, 132 imagination and, 130 increasing, 130, 132 versus changepower, xvi–xvii, xix Withdrawal, 166

About the Author Meg Selig, licensed professional counselor and national certified counselor, has been a practicing counselor for over 30 years. She earned her M.A. Ed. in counseling at Washington University in St. Louis and graduated from the two-year program in advanced psychodynamic psychotherapy offered by the St. Louis Psychoanalytic Institute. For the last 20 years, she has been a professor of counseling at St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley. She counseled in elementary school and high school settings prior to “graduating” to the college level. When Selig learned about the stages-of-change model many years ago, she realized that students, clients, and other professionals could benefit from a deeper understanding of stages concepts. She developed a one-credit personal development class, “Habit Change,” using the stages of change as a framework, and has taught this class since 2001. Counselors nationwide use her curriculum materials from this class to give lectures and teach classes on habit change. Selig is a frequent speaker for national conferences, local professional organizations, and educational and community groups. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and the American Mental Health Counselors Association. Selig lives and works in St. Louis, Missouri.

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