The Little Book of Dum-ping

The Little Book of

Dum-Ping Achieving Harmony Through Toilet Yoga

by Michael Powell Illustrated by Justine Beckett

SUMMERSDALE

Copyright © Michael Powell, 2002 No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com The right of Michael Powell to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Printed and bound in Great Britain ISBN: 184024 229 9

Contents Introduction..........................5 The History of Dum-Ping....10 Dum-Ping Today..................14 How Does It Work?..............16 Cackras................................26 Dum-Ping Animals..............27 What to Wear.......................35 The Principles of Dum-Ping..36 Bowl Reading....................112 Good Luck!........................120

The Little Book of Dum-Ping

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Introduction This book reveals the tantric secrets hidden in the smallest room in the house. All too often we pay a visit without the slightest awareness of our posture, mental state, breathing or surroundings. How many times have you carelessly trapped your chakras? Do you wish you could balance on two fingers when confronted with 5

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unpleasant surroundings? Do you know the correct postures to adopt at work? As babies we eliminate in a spontaneous and dynamic cycle of joy. But once ‘toilet trained’ we lose the ability to enjoy nature’s second greatest gift in this positive way. Children’s fairy stories and nursery rhymes are a rich source of symbolism about unresolved toilet issues. The 6

Introduction

Three Little Pigs is a metaphor for the perils of eating an excessively phosphorous-rich diet; their ‘little houses’ are literally blown away by the wolf. The ‘plums’ referred to in Little Jack Horner are, of course, haemorrhoids, and early versions of Puss in Boots feature an incontinent cat repeatedly soiling its footwear.

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Introduction

But being toilet trained is not the same as being a Toilet Master. Consider this: Just because you’ve been wiping your arse the same way for twenty years doesn’t mean that you’re doing it right. The techniques and ancient wisdom in this book will reawaken your sense of childish delight as you connect to the mysterious and powerful energies of the Big One. 9

The Little Book of Dum-Ping

The History of Dum-Ping Dum-Ping literally means ‘the downward path’. Humans have been practising DumPing for thousands of years. The fact that it has survived for so many centuries bears testament to its potency as a vital human function. The first written evidence of Dum-Ping appeared in ancient texts discovered in 10

The History of Dum-Ping

China by archaeologist and Dum-Ping practitioner, Dr H. M. Royd in the late 1890s. Working closely with the British archaeologist Sir William Bowell, he discovered a monolithic tablet depicting the Principles of Dum-Ping, the most important find since the discovery of the Rosetta Throne in 1799. Unfortunately, Dr Royd, a pioneer of colonic irrigation therapy, was severely 11

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crippled in 1901 while experimenting with a petrol engine prototype of what later became known as the vacuum cleaner. However, he continued to explore his passion for Dum-Ping until his death in 1934.

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Dum-Ping Today For people wishing to explore Dum-Ping, the positions are as fresh today as when they were first laid down during the Pu Pong Dynasty over a thousand years before the invention of the flushing toilet. Unfortunately, most people concentrate on the physical aspect of the form and neglect the transcendental 14

Dum-Ping Today

aspect. Many modern practitioners of Dum-Ping spend a great deal of time practising, often up to ten times a day, without discovering the full depth and potential of the art. All their hard work is doing no more than scratching the surface.

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How Does It Work? Dum-Ping is the art of harmonising and controlling the two energy centres located in the lower abdomen, where two vital forces called Phi and Poo develop and store themselves. These energies pass through the body and out of the lower abdomen into the earth. We are all connected to the mysterious 16

How Does It Work?

and powerful energies of the Big One, yet at the same time we still remain individuals. This duality occurs everywhere in Dum-Ping. Phi is associated with light and water, the colour yellow, fluidity and the sky. Poo is associated with dark colours, solidity and the earth. If, because of a blockage, your Phi and Poo energies are prevented from flowing freely, the result is great 17

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discomfort and disquiet. Following the Principles of Dum-Ping will help you attain toilet mastery in a variety of situations. If you have ever seen a demonstration of Dum-Ping by a Toilet Master, you will be fascinated by the beauty of the performer’s movements. You will, no doubt, be enthralled by the grace and ease with which they control the flow of Phi and Poo. But 18

How Does It Work?

even those who have been practising Dum-Ping for sixty years report that they still feel they have much to learn.

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It is important to remind yourself daily of the wisdom contained in some of the ancient Dum-Ping texts.

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How Does It Work?

Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself.

A closed toilet is like an angry dog. It won’t take any shit.

Never do anything lying down that you should do sitting, or anything sitting that you should do standing.

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I was angered, for I had no paper. Then I met a man who had no hands.

Love your neighbours, but don’t shit in their pond.

The man who passes a mountain begins by passing small stones.

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How Does It Work?

When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one and a newspaper with the other.

Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

Examine the contents, not the container. 23

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When people are free to do as they please, they usually spend too long in the bathroom. Go to the toilet. It’s later than you think. The one who is patient will not be deprived of success, even though it is a long time coming.

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How Does It Work?

Better to be deprived of food for three days, than the toilet for one. If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, build a sanitation system. Incontinence is permanent slavery. 25

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Cackras We have important energy fields around us called ‘auras’ which are vitally linked to our Phi and Poo energies. For example, if you come into work with a hangover, someone may say gently, ‘You look like shit’, highlighting how your outward appearance and aura are manifesting the contents of your lower intestines and the energy levels of your ‘chakras’ (or ‘cackras’ as they are known in Dum-Ping). 26

Dum-Ping Animals Six animals form the symbolic framework for the Principles of Dum-Ping. Each animal expresses a unique set of characteristics. Every person has one animal predominant in their DumPing technique, but you will also often express other animal characteristics.

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The Monkey The Monkey is fascinated with its bodily functions. It lets everyone in the jungle know when and where it is performing. It performs noisily and without inhibition.

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Dum-Ping Animals

The Crane The Crane is quiet and methodical, often standing on one leg while performing, and never spends more time than is necessary. For example, a Crane would never take a book into the bathroom.

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The Little Book of Dum-Ping

The Dog The Dog performs frequently to mark territory and to relieve a weak bladder. It will drink from the toilet bowl and pee down the side of it. It likes to pee on the floor, on walls, and out of the windows of taxis. A person with predominantly Dog characteristics will often ask to use your toilet as soon as they enter your house.

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The Spider The Spider spends long periods of time on the toilet, motionless. Although the Spider enjoys inner peace, it cannot understand that this is frustrating for others waiting to practise Dum-Ping.

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Dum-Ping Animals

The Panda The Panda is a fastidious animal for which conditions must be favourable before Dum-Ping can take place. A Panda will rarely use a public toilet and will never ablute abroad, preferring the security and cleanliness of home comforts.

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The Pig The Pig finds Dum-Ping a highly physical and active process, but often suffers from inauspicious Poo energy. It often leaves the bathroom looking like it has just come last in a tractor pulling competition.

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What to Wear Dum-Ping is best performed with loose clothing, and it is advisable to remove all garments below the waist.

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The Principles of Dum-Ping First, it is important to understand that there is a time and a place for these exercises. For example, it is inadvisable to attempt any of them while driving, waiting at a bus stop, or in the car park of IKEA. Find a quiet toilet where you will not be interrupted for twenty minutes. Switch off 36

The Principles of Dum-Ping

the television, take the phone off the hook and try out some of these remarkable techniques.

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Dum-Ping is a State of Mind How many times have you heard someone say they feel ‘dumped on’, or that they ‘feel like shit’? Remember, DumPing is a state of mind. Never dump on someone else. Respect their boundaries. Always check that there is nobody underneath you before commencing DumPing.

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The Principles of Dum-Ping

Direction Facing north on the toilet brings you the most wealth and happiness. Using your compass, orientate your body in this direction.

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O Pen Seet If the lid of the toilet is down, you must raise it before attempting any of the exercises. After many years of practice, Toilet Masters can do this using just one foot.

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Breathing Remember to breathe while practising Dum-Ping. Otherwise you will become dizzy and eventually pass out.

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The Principles of Dum-Ping

Blok Loo Reawaken the inner child by unwinding an entire roll of toilet paper. Breathe out while attempting to flush it down the bowl.

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Bro K’en LoK Breathe in through your mouth. Place your right leg straight out in front of you and press it firmly against the cubicle door. Whistle cheerily as you exhale.

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Bro K’en Seet This is like the Bro K’en Lok position, only both feet and hands must be pressed against door and walls. If performed correctly you will experience a sensation of weightlessness.

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Bro K’en Flush You enter a cubicle to discover a huge phantom log sitting in the bowl, but the toilet will not flush. You walk into the next cubicle, but as you open the door to leave you meet someone else waiting to use the cubicle with the broken flush. Frown and shake your head slightly as you leave, so that the stranger does not think that the business belongs to you. 48

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Bar-King Dog This can be inauspicious if you are in a unisex toilet and someone you know saw you enter the cubicle. Wait until they have gone before showing your face.

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Noh Pai Pah Hold your breath and feel a tightening in your buttocks. Walk to the next cubicle taking very small steps.

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Good Phi When you are shopping, carry a large decorative urn made of clay, or a plant around with you so that if you need to use the public conveniences you can place them in the north-east corner of your cubicle. This is excellent for encouraging good karma.

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Voy-Er Fo Bi-K Cover any small holes in the walls of the cubicle using fingers and toes and small pieces of rolled-up toilet paper. Most Dum-Ping practitioners require absolute privacy before they can relax into the right state of mind for achieving enlightenment.

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Kee-Ping Fish Keeping carp in your toilet bowl will attract wealth.

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Bored at WoK If you are feeling bored or stressed at work, take a fiveminute break for an exercise called ‘Cuffing the Dragon’, also known as ‘Cranking the Monkey’ or ‘Going Up the Rainbow’. In today’s highstress work culture there is no better way to centre yourself.

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Phi on Train When you enter the cubicle on a train, or any male public toilet, you are likely to sense an excess of Phi energy as your feet make contact with the floor. Counteract this by adopting the Crane stance.

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Noh Mor Piles To relieve haemorrhoids, sit down and place both feet behind your head. The pain will be so intense that you will completely forget about your piles.

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Faik Limp A short exercise performed for the benefit of the angry Hell’s Angel you meet sitting in a wheelchair waiting for you to finish using the disabled toilet.

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Sky Vaat Wok Cross your legs in the lotus position. Hold a book or newspaper in front of you with your arms bent slightly at the elbows. Hold this position for two hours.

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Hait Mai Job Before an important business meeting, sit down and take several small shallow breaths. Try to imagine someone very heavy – maybe your boss – standing on your shoulders. Notice the beads of sweat appearing on your forehead. Be aware of the veins pulsating in your temples. Visualise the next thirty years working for the same company. Sob uncontrollably for fifteen minutes. 64

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Salute to the Sun The first Dum-Ping experience of the day is often the most special, and is even more powerful when combined with the next exercise.

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Third Buttock Meditation In yoga, the area between your two buttocks is referred to as the third buttock. Lift your buttocks upwards a little and try and focus on this area for a moment. Try to repeat this regularly every day. If you feel any dizziness or start to grow an extra buttock, then stop at once.

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Rai Jing Hang O Vah Kneel facing the bowl with your head in your hands. Take repeated shallow breaths through your mouth until you feel light-headed. Blow chunks out through your nose.

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Kew FoH Loo Men should only perform this exercise at parties and rock concerts. If you are a woman you will find yourself practising this daily. Stand still and take a step forward every two minutes. Ponder the reason why men do not have to do this.

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Kwik Fag Light a cigarette and hold it to your lips. Take several deep breaths until the cigarette is finished. Then throw it in the toilet. It will float, of course, but weightlessness is a positive feeling.

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Positive Visualisation If you are feeling deenergised, and your Phi and Poo energies are blocked, it is beneficial to recall a happy occasion when you enjoyed a really positive dump. Try to imagine yourself in that place now.

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Photography When you are enjoying a positive Dum-Ping experience, ask a friend or work colleague to photograph you, so that you can use it when you next feel down in the dumps to help you visualise.

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Dream Diary On the toilet walls, write down the dreams you have while practising Dum-Ping. They can be a great source of self-knowledge and exploration. In any public toilet you will notice that others write their dreams. Some even leave their telephone numbers to share their Dum-Ping experiences with others.

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Synchronicity Experience the power of synchronicity by flushing the toilet while you release your Phi and Poo energies.

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Han Drai Yahs Sah Yoos Less After washing your hands, stand in front of the hygienic airflow system. Rub your hands together briskly for five minutes, then dry them on your trousers.

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Compliment Someone So often in a public washroom, we are so busy getting on with our own business that we do not take the time to notice others around us. All you need to do to connect with another person and bring some joy into their lives is to pay them a compliment. Don’t be shy – go on – tell that trucker standing next to you at the motorway service station 80

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public convenience that he has nice eyes. His reaction will demonstrate what a difference you have made to his day.

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Stress Away Whenever you see someone in a public washroom looking stressed and emotionally strained, ask them if you can take some of their stress away. Place your hand on their abdomen, back or buttocks for at least one minute while the other person concentrates on relaxing that part of their body. Do this whenever you see someone looking stressed and angry. 82

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Don’t Flush Surprises can turn an ordinary day into a special one! When was the last time you left a little gift for your partner to find; something only you could give, something unique and personal?

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Role Play Enhance your Dum-Ping experience by pretending to be someone else. Choose someone you admire, like Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln. Admiration is a great self-motivator, and you may gain some insight into the qualities that make those people who they are. Remember that some of the greatest thinkers in history first imagined their creations while taking a dump.

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Ground Hug When was the last time you took time to lie down on the floor of the toilet? Do it today. Close your eyes and let your body sink into the floor. Lie there quietly for fifteen minutes. Pay attention to the sounds and smells around you.

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Beet’me Up Stand erect. Take one or two deep breaths. Spread your feet four feet apart and raise your arms horizontally to shoulder level. Turn your right foot to the right and bend the right knee, keeping the left leg straight. Now turn your head to the right side and look towards the source of Phi of the man standing next to you. Hold the posture for ten seconds and repeat on 88

The Principles of Dum-Ping

the left side. You will be amazed at the amount of energy this can create.

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Splash Bak (Smelling your Trousers) Place your heels together, keeping the toes five inches apart. Inhale and raise your arms up sideways, keeping them straight to the fingertips, pressing the elbows to both sides of the head. Exhale, and bend forwards, touching the right foot with the right hand and the left foot with the left hand. Try to touch your knees with your forehead. Smell your trousers. 90

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Aromatherapy Tap into the healing powers of aromatherapy by stealing the complimentary perfumes or aftershaves which can be found in the toilets of most exclusive hotels.

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The Principles of Dum-Ping

Eating Do not practise Dum-Ping on a full stomach. It is advisable to perform Dum-Ping eight hours after a meal. Never eat whilst engaged in Dum-Ping.

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Yin and Yang A Toilet Master is equally comfortable standing up or sitting down because their male and female sides are in perfect harmony.

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Living in the Moment Too often we get the idea from parents and society that we are expected to do things perfectly. A goal is set and is either reached or not. This is called ‘endgaining’. Choose instead to talk about ‘work in progress’. If you don’t produce three and a half pounds of Poo energy in one sitting, don’t be disappointed. Be thankful for whatever you achieve and say: ‘It’s good, but it’s getting better.’ 95

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Dum-Ping in the Garden Gardens are peaceful and serene places that can be very beneficial to your state of mind. Pick a place in your garden to practise Dum-Ping. A rosebush is an auspicious spot.

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The Truth Hurts Sometimes the truth hurts. Next time you feel pain while practising Dum-Ping, look for the hard truth that is being revealed to you.

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When Things Are Beyond Our Control We cannot always control our Phi and Poo energies. This is usually due to old age, a stomach virus, or a diet that is too rich in fibre. Tolerate your own mistakes. Whenever you lose control of your Phi and Poo energies, remember that there are only two things you can do: clean up the mess and learn from it, so it doesn’t happen again. If 99

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it does, at least you’ll know to leave that important business meeting earlier.

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Keep a Log Book Keep a record of your DumPing experiences. It will help you to chart your journey towards toilet mastery. Include photographs, paintings and poetry.

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Flash Shin Whenever you forget to zip up or trap your skirt in your knickers, take delight in the refreshing possibilities that unfold as a result of this tiny oversight. It will deepen your appreciation of the principles of causation as you observe the effect that your behaviour has on those around you.

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Zen Shitting One of the main aims of Zen Buddhists is to live in the present, experiencing the unique ‘nowness’ of every moment. A special form of Dum-Ping involves sitting very still and allowing the mind to be quiet. Zen masters call this ‘shitting like a mountain’.

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Déjà Pu This is French for ‘been before’ and is the uncanny sensation of having ‘done this already’. Some people believe it is a memory from a past life, but this phenomenon is usually associated with gastric flu or Saturday mornings.

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Baggage Often you hear of people having a lot of ‘baggage’ but if you are on a train station and feel the need to practise Dum-Ping, it can be a distressing and stressful experience to attempt to bring your baggage with you. The safest method is to find two adjacent cubicles. Lock your baggage in one of them, then use the Ground Hug exercise to slide underneath 106

The Principles of Dum-Ping

the partition to the vacant toilet, where you can practise Dum-Ping without obstruction.

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Near Death Experiences When people are experiencing a tough time during their daily Dum-Ping practice, they often report the blood pumping through their temples and the feeling of leaving their physical body, or that part of their body leaving them. They see stars or even a tunnel of bright light. Scientists believe this is due to oxygen starvation to the brain but others gain much reassurance from this metaphysical dimension. 108

The Principles of Dum-Ping

Wai Ping This is an important conclusion to the Dum-Ping ritual. It symbolises the brushing away of any residual negative Phi or Poo energies which may have become trapped. Effective Wai Ping attracts prosperity and friendship. Ineffective Wai Ping leads to loneliness and an inauspicious reputation.

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Wa Shin Hands Place your head on the tap and press downwards until water starts to flow. Place both hands under the water and wash. Remove your head from the tap and the water will stop immediately.

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Bowl Reading This is a remarkable DumPing technique which involves examining your rectal runes in order to make a deeper connection with your emotional and spiritual life and even predict the future. Before the drinking of tea became popular in the latter half of the last millennium, bowl reading was

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Bowl Reading

the primary form of divination. After producing your ordure, but before attempting the Wai Ping ritual, empty your mind and contemplate the contents of the bowl for several minutes. This is one of the most powerful paths to connecting yourself to the power of the universal Big One.

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Look out for these twelve archetypal patterns: Iceberg Only ten per cent is visible above the waterline. You have hidden depths but you can be a cold person. Learn to express your emotions more freely. Watermelon You like to stretch yourself beyond your limits, but you 114

Bowl Reading

need to rein in your ambition or one day you might get hurt. Oil Slick Until you conquer the instability in your life, your goals will continue to slip through your fingers. Maltesers You are so active that you often feel hard pushed to accomplish your list of priorities.

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Catfish Floating at the bottom of the bowl, the catfish indicates that you are withholding a secret. Painting on the Wall of the Cave You are an extrovert and enjoy leaving your mark wherever you go.

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Bowl Reading

Corn and Carrots Learn to chew your food more thoroughly. Coffee Bean You are your own worst critic and always push yourself to produce results.

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Coiled Snake You take pleasure in seeing things through to their conclusion. When the going gets tough, no one can accuse you of being a quitter. Pyramid You enjoy feeling in control, but you must learn to let yourself go and follow wherever circumstances lead you.

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Bowl Reading

Inverted Pyramid You have just experienced a hard and painful challenge. Don’t worry, because things will soon turn around again. Sometimes it’s good to turn matters on their head in order to solve a knotty problem. Doughnut You project a positive image, but when others bite into you they are often repulsed by your lack of honesty. Learn to love yourself a little more. 119

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Good Luck! I hope you have enjoyed taking this journey with me and that you have gained a deeper understanding of your movements. You should not concentrate so hard on DumPing that your life becomes one long performance, but with daily focused practice you will hone your Dum-Ping skills for specific situations, such as before a job interview 120

Good Luck!

or an examination. Set some goals and ask yourself where you would like to be in five years’ time, then seize the bull by the horns and crape diem. Enjoy the extra confidence and energy that regular Dum-Ping offers and remember that we are all on the same mysterious and wonderful path to toilet mastery. Good luck.

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