Are You Experienced?

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'[A] hilarious novel' Carol Birch,

Independent

B o o k s o f the Year 'Very, very funny . . . SutclifFe asks why crowds o f well brought-up young teens leave their duvets and ready-made meals to g o to Delhi, with zero knowledge o f the sub-continent and half o f Milletts in their Karrimors ... he draws his characters stylishly' Alex O'Connell, The Times 'Very funny'

GQ

'Sutcliffe deploys a fine talent for social satire, brilliantly relocating the screwball comedies o f Thirties H o l l y w o o d to the hippy trail o f the Nineties' Laurence O'Toole,

Independent

ABOUT

THE

W I L L I A M SUTCLIFFE

AUTHOR

William Sutcliffe was b o r n in 1971 in L o n d o n . H e is the author o f two The Love Hexagon,

other novels, New

Boy

and

and has been translated into eleven

languages.

Are you experienced?

@ PENGUIN

BOOKS

PENGUIN

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P u b l i s h e d by the Penguin G r o u p Penguin B o o k s L t d , 27 W r i g h t s L a n e , L o n d o n W 8 5 T Z , E n g l a n d Penguin P u t n a m Inc., 3 7 5 H u d s o n Street, N e w Y o r k , N e w Y o r k 10014, U S A Penguin B o o k s A u s t r a l i a L t d , R i n g w o o d , V i c t o r i a , A u s t r a l i a P e n g u i n B o o k s C a n a d a L t d , 10 A l c o r n A v e n u e , T o r o n t o , O n t a r i o , C a n a d a M 4 V 3 B 2 Penguin B o o k s ( N Z ) L t d , Private B a g 1 0 2 9 0 2 , N S M C , A u c k l a n d , N e w Z e a l a n d Penguin B o o k s L t d , R e g i s t e r e d Offices: H a r m o n d s w o r t h , M i d d l e s e x , E n g l a n d

First p u b l i s h e d by H a m i s h H a m i l t o n 1997 P u b l i s h e d in Penguin B o o k s 1998 22

C o p y r i g h t © W i l l i a m Sutcliffe, 1997 All rights reserved

T h e m o r a l right of the a u t h o r h a s ben a s s e r t e d

Printed in E n g l a n d by C l a y s L t d , St Ives p i c

E x c e p t in the U n i t e d S t a t e s of A m e r i c a , this b o o k is s o l d s u b j e c t to the c o n d i t i o n that it shall not, by w a y of t r a d e or o t h e r w i s e , be lent, r e - s o l d , hired o u t , or o t h e r w i s e c i r c u l a t e d w i t h o u t the p u b l i s h e r ' s prior c o n s e n t in a n y f o r m of b i n d i n g or cover other than that in which it is p u b l i s h e d a n d w i t h o u t a s i m i l a r c o n d i t i o n i n c l u d i n g this c o n d i t i o n b e i n g i m p o s e d o n the s u b s e q u e n t p u r c h a s e r

For

Georgie

Part One:

Bad planning

Part Two:

What do backpackers do all day?

Part Three:

Dave the traveller

Zeus who leads mortals on the road to understanding, Zeus who has ordained that wisdom comes through suffering. Aeschylus - Agamemnon

It feels much better than it ever did, much more sensitive. John Wayne Bobbin

PART ONE

Bad planning

She's acting differently

'This seat doesn't g o b a c k properly.' 'Of course it d o e s . ' 'It doesn't.' ' L o o k . Let m e s h o w you.' I wrestle with the aeroplane seat. It won't b u d g e . ' Y o u ' r e right. It's b r o k e n . ' She smirks — in a half-hidden w a y , which is the most hostile way she could d o it. She's hiding it a s if to s a y , 'You're a jerk w h o can't take the fact that I'm laughing at you.' A few weeks a g o , she w o u l d have g r a b b e d me by the ears, laughed in my face a n d called m e an impotent chauvinist twat. N o w she s h o w s me just enough of a smirk to let m e k n o w that she's noticed m e being an idiot, but that I'm not allowed to share it with her. ' C a n we change seats?' I don't answer. I arrived at the airport on time, checked in (asking specifically for a w i n d o w - s e a t ) , a n d waited an hour a n d a half for L i z , w h o turned u p with minutes to s p a r e , and didn't even have any traveller's cheques on her and h a d to get the w h o l e lot at the airport a n d there w a s only one place open and if that h a d been closed I don't k n o w what we w o u l d have d o n e . I'd . . . I'd have been travelling to India alone for three m o n t h s . O r I'd have h a d to lend her my money for G o d ' s s a k e - but w e w o u l d have

3

run out half-way through - it wouldn't have been possible

and a r r o g a n t . I'm giving her my seat, for G o d ' s s a k e - at

- a n d it's not my j o b to lend her money. I wouldn't have

s o m e point, I'm g o i n g to w a n t to sleep, a n d I won't be able to because I've given her the reclining seat —and she's sitting

d o n e it. She h a d weeks to get herself organized . . . ' C a n we change seats? Y o u ' r e reading a n y w a y -

you

don't need to lean b a c k . I w a n t to sleep.'

there s h a k i n g her h e a d because I'm selfish. It's o u t r a g e o u s . I don't u n d e r s t a n d why it's h a p p e n e d . I don't

know

She's lying. We've only just taken off, a n d it's a clear

what's changed. A few weeks a g o , we were best friends —

day. T h e r e are still excellent views. I specifically wanted a

we were a l m o s t in love. N o w we're stuck together, heading

w i n d o w - s e a t s o that I could see the views - a n d I k n o w it's

to India for three m o n t h s , a n d she's treating me like a piece

childish, but I love flying, O K ? I'm not a s h a m e d of the fact

of rotten meat. M a y b e I am i m m a t u r e , selfish, bigoted and

that I enjoy the view from an aeroplane. S o m a y b e I a m a

a r r o g a n t , but she used to like me. I haven't changed. S o I

bit old for that, but I don't care. I just happen to be interested

don't see why I should alter my behaviour n o w , just b e c a u s e

in it.

she's acting differently.

' D a v i d . . . ? Are you /fstening?' She glares at me, her features arranged into a l o o k of a b s o l u t e scorn which says 'I d a r e you to tell me that you just w a n t to see the view. I dare you. G o o n , say it. T h e n it'll be out in the open - we won't be able to deny - either of us - that y o u are a twelve-year-old in the b o d y of a nineteen-year-old - that you have no s h a m e a b o u t being an a b s o l u t e prick.' I'm not being p a r a n o i d - it's all there, written into the curve of her nostrils a n d the squint. T h e m o s t annoying thing is that I wasn't really reading. I w a s only glancing at my b o o k , a n d w a s really l o o k i n g out of the w i n d o w . But n o w she's caught me in the act I can't tell her that I w a s n ' t really reading, b e c a u s e that's exactly what she w a n t s me to say to m a k e me l o o k selfish. 'All right,' I say. 'In a few minutes.' I close the b o o k a n d pointedly l o o k out of the w i n d o w to d e m o n s t r a t e that I'm not selfish, a n d that switching seats is a significant sacrifice. I hear Liz sigh, a n d out of the corner of my eye, I can see her shaking her head. She's fixed it so that whatever I d o , it confirms what she thinks of me. She hates me. She thinks I'm i m m a t u r e , selfish, bigoted

4

the bus. I noticed that n o one else on the b u s h a d their b a g s with them, so w e g o t o u t of the b u s a n d f o u n d ourselves b a c k in a different c r o w d of p e o p l e , all of w h o m seemed

Pure blind fear

to be offering to p u t o u r stuff o n the r o o f of the bus. I w a s convinced that they'd steal o u r r u c k s a c k s the minute I turned my b a c k s o I tried to climb up myself, but s o m e guy with a red t u r b a n o n , which gave him the a p p e a r a n c e of being the chief b a g - p u t t e r - o n - r o o f e r , pulled m e off the ladder a n d tugged at m y b a g . I relented, a n d let him t a k e our r u c k s a c k s . I w a t c h e d him all the w a y a n d s a w him lash d o w n the b a g with a r o p e . H e l o o k e d a s if he knew

I h a d heard the old cliche a b o u t h o w when y o u arrive in

what he w a s d o i n g , a n d there were several other b a g s u p

India, it's like stepping into an oven, but this hadn't pre­

there already, s o I decided that m a y b e it w a s all reason­

p a r e d m e for the fact that when you arrive in India, it is

ably legal. When he c a m e b a c k d o w n , he started doing

like stepping into an oven.

a s t r a n g e u p w a r d n o d d i n g gesture a n d saying 'munee

Delhi airport w a s . . . it w a s just taking the piss. T h a t n u m b e r of people simply couldn't fit into such a small s p a c e and not end up eating each other. It wasn't p o s s i b l e . A n d no o n e else even seemed to notice that it w a s c r o w d e d . After queuing for several hours at i m m i g r a t i o n , we e s c a p e d the airport and discovered that it w a s even m a d d e r outside. T h e minute w e were in the open air, several rugby t e a m s of smelly men launched themselves at us a n d tried

-

munee'. ' H e wants money,' said Liz. 'Why should I give h i m money? It's his j o b . I w a s quite willing to p u t it u p there myself.' ' J u s t give h i m s o m e money, for G o d ' s s a k e . I'll get in and g r a b s o m e seats.' 'I haven't g o t any money yet, have I? It doesn't exactly look like he takes traveller's cheques.'

to pull us to bits, so that w e could send s e p a r a t e limbs to

'Just give h i m anything.'

t o w n o n different f o r m s of t r a n s p o r t . It w a s disgusting. I

'Like what? A roll of l o o p a p e r ? Y e s t e r d a y ' s Guardian}'

felt like I w a s being m u g g e d . M u g g e d while inside an oven.

She ignored m e a n d g o t on the b u s .

A n d all the guys w h o were trying to get us into their taxis l o o k e d s o p o o r and desperate that I just wanted to g o h o m e straight a w a y .

'Munee. M u n e e . ' 'I haven't g o t a n y . ' 'Munee.'

Liz noticed that the other b a c k p a c k e r s f r o m our flight had g o t on a b u s , so we b r e a s t - s t r o k e d through the c r o w d and c l a m b e r e d in behind them. T h e engine w a s already o n , and we t o o k our seats, relieved that w e h a d m a d e it in time. T h e driver pointed angrily at our b a g s , then at the roof of

6

H e w a s beginning t o t u g at my clothes n o w , a n d the c r o w d of o n l o o k e r s w a s closing in. ' L o o k , m a t e — I haven't g o t any money yet. I have to g o to a b a n k . ' 'MUNEE!'

7

I turned out my p o c k e t s to s h o w him that I didn't have any money, a n d out fell a whole l o a d of English coins. H e gave me an evil stare, then bent over to pick up the coins. T h e r e w a s a mini riot while several people s c r a b b l e d for the c a s h , so I sneaked a w a y a n d got into the b u s , h o p i n g that I'd be out of sight before they realized that it w a s only English money. D u r i n g the b a g episode all the seats h a d g o n e , a n d Liz w a s standing s o m e w h e r e near the b a c k . I went a n d joined her. ' J u s t in time,' I s a i d . H a l f an hour later, with the bus j a m m e d full of p e o p l e , the driver started revving the engine. H a l f an hour after that, with the b u s containing twice as m a n y people as it h a d when I'd thought it w a s full, and with the m a n in the red t u r b a n still shouting at me through the w i n d o w , we crawled out of the airport. ' T h i s is awful,' I s a i d . 'What's awful?' said Liz. 'This. Everything.' 'What did you expect?' she s a i d , with an unforgiving glare. 'Is this what it's m e a n t to be like?' 'I s u p p o s e s o . ' 'This is what we've c o m e for?' 'Yes. It's India.' ' J e s u s . I don't believe this.' I suddenly felt as if my s t o m a c h h a d been filled with pebbles. T h i s w a s all w r o n g . I'd c o m e to the w r o n g place. I hadn't even eaten anything yet, a n d I felt sick already f r o m the heat, the c r o w d s , the c l a u s t r o p h o b i a - a n d pure blind fear. W h a t the hell h a d I done? Why h a d I c o m e to this awful country? I w a s going to hate it. I already knew. T h e r e w a s 8

n o w a y I could p o s s i b l y get used to any of this. A n d n o w I w a s stuck here. T h i s w a s b a d . T h i s w a s very b a d .

T h e hotel w a s up a d a r k staircase, a n d consisted of a few d o u b l e r o o m s positioned off a c r a m p e d r o o f courtyard. A m a n with a fleshy golf ball g r o w i n g out of the side of his

J

neck told us that there were n o d o u b l e r o o m s available, so we'd have to t a k e beds in the d o r m . H e then led the way up a ladder to a higher corner of the roof, on which a corrugated-iron hut h a d been built. T h e metal walls a n d roof turned the d o r m into even m o r e of an oven than the rest of the country w a s anyway. T h e r o o m w a s c r a m m e d with beds, a n d as my eyes adjusted f r o m the outside glare to the murky d o r m i t o r y , I could pick

After the bus d r o p p e d us off, we went to the R i n g o G u e s t -

out a few d e p r e s s e d - l o o k i n g travellers lying a r o u n d on their

H o u s e , which s o u n d e d cool, a n d w a s the first place men­

beds. T h e y all l o o k e d s o thin a n d miserable that you could

tioned in the Lonely Planet. It w a s a short w a l k f r o m the

a l m o s t have m i s t a k e n the place for a prison. A few of them

b u s - s t o p , d o w n a side-street.

were reading, one w a s asleep, and a c o u p l e were simply

N o t that our route b o r e much resemblance to what

lying on their beds staring into s p a c e .

I'd call a street. T h e r e w a s n o T a r m a c for a start - just

T h i s did not l o o k like a bunch of p e o p l e having fun.

c o m p a c t e d m u d which w a s thick with dust a n d dotted

H a v i n g e s c a p e d the insanely frantic streets, we h a d s o m e ­

with green p u d d l e s , piles of rubbish and the o d d c o w - p a t .

h o w stumbled on something worse: a kind of m o r g u e like

A m a z i n g l y , m o s t people were w a l k i n g a r o u n d in

flip-

g l o o m . Although we s t o o d there for w h a t m u s t have been

I t o o k a g o o d look at the p e o p l e , a n d they didn't look

Whatever w a s g o i n g to happen to m e , I did not w a n t to

flops.

several minutes, no one s o much a s turned to look at us.

anything like the Indians in E n g l a n d . It wasn't that they

end up like those p e o p l e . I wanted to g o h o m e .

l o o k e d physically different, or even that they were w e a r i n g

Attempting to g a u g e how long I w a s stuck in India - to

weird clothes. T h e r e w a s something else I couldn't put my

sense what three m o n t h s really felt like, I suddenly felt

finger on that looked completely alien. S o m e t h i n g in the

dizzy with despair.

w a y they m o v e d , a n d in their facial expressions. Whatever

'What d'you r e c k o n ? ' said L i z .

it w a s , it scared the shit out of me. A n d wherever I l o o k e d

'Grim.'

there were hundreds of them — shouting at each other, or

'Mmm.'

s h o u t i n g at me to ' T a k e t a x i ' , ' E a t best f o o d ' or ' M a k e

' D o you think we'll get anywhere better?'

international best rate telephone call' - all of them jostling

'Maybe.'

p a s t , laughing, chatting, a r g u i n g , and generally s w a g g e r i n g

'We could a l w a y s a s k s o m e o n e , ' I said.

a r o u n d a s if they owned the place.

' T h e p e o p l e here are b o u n d to think this is the best p l a c e , or they wouldn't be here, w o u l d they?'

10

'I s u p p o s e s o . '

We couldn't u n p a c k , since there w a s nowhere to put

T h e thought that this could be anyone's idea of the best

anything, so once we'd h a d a g o o d flop, we didn't really

place in Delhi w a s depressing beyond belief. D u e to the

k n o w w h a t to d o . I h a d a l w a y s w o n d e r e d w h a t travellers

heat, however, w a n d e r i n g a r o u n d with our b a c k p a c k s until

did all day — a n d n o w I w a s sitting on a bed in Delhi, having

we f o u n d s o m e w h e r e we liked simply wasn't an option.

just arrived, not k n o w i n g what to d o . W e were both too

Liz fished the g u i d e b o o k out of her p a c k , and we saw that there w a s one other r e c o m m e n d e d hotel in the area,

hot a n d k n a c k e r e d to m o v e , without the will or the c o u r a g e to go outside a n d face the reality of being in India.

called M r s C o l a c o ' s . T h e b o o k described it as 'basic,

T h e r e w a s one other person in the r o o m . H e w a s lying

c r o w d e d and rather h a r d on the nerves,' which didn't s o u n d

on his b a c k with his e l b o w s on the bed a n d his hands in

particularly inviting, but it w a s the only one nearby that

the air, staring into s p a c e . It l o o k e d like he w a s reading a

w a s mentioned, so we hauled ourselves through the hot,

b o o k , except that his h a n d s were empty.

soupy air t o w a r d s M r s C o l a c o ' s . T h i s h a d a marginally less spirit-crushing a t m o s p h e r e

'Hi,' said Liz. 'Peace,' he s a i d .

than R i n g o ' s , and wasn't quite so full of catatonic hippies.

'Peace,' she replied.

A g a i n , there were no actual r o o m s available, but we grate­

H e sat up a n d g a v e her a lecherous l o o k .

fully t o o k d o r m i t o r y b e d s , relieved to have at last found

'What's your n a m e ? ' said Liz.

s o m e w h e r e to flop.

'J-' ' J ? ' I s a i d , in a tone of voice that s o m e h o w c o m m u n i ­

We flopped.

cated the instant dislike I'd already taken to him -

Lying on my hard bed, staring at the ceiling fan, which w a s rotating just slowly enough to have absolutely no effect

play with.

on the s u r r o u n d i n g air whatsoever, I realized that I h a d

' J - cool,' said L i z , trying to c o m p e n s a t e for me.

never really been hot before. I m e a n , I'd h a d hot skin, in

'What's your real n a m e ? ' I said.

the sun, and I'd got hot f r o m running a r o u n d , but I'd never

' M y real n a m e ? '

had this strange sensation of feeling like a s l a b of meat

'Yeah.'

c o o k i n g from the inside. I genuinely felt full of heat - a s if my limbs and internal o r g a n s were huge, half-cooked lumps that I h a d to carry a r o u n d with me. A n d the breath c o m i n g out of my nose felt like a miniature hot-air dryer blowing

an

impressive achievement, given that I only h a d one letter to

H e h a d 'Public-School Git' s t a m p e d all over him. 'J-' ' T h a t ' s what your parents call y o u ? ' ' N o . It's short for J e r e m y . '

on the skin of my top lip.

'Right. Sorry, J e r e m y . I m e a n , J . ' H o w could p e o p l e live like this? H o w could a country function in these conditions? H o w could s o much air p o s s ­ ibly reach such a temperature without heating up the entire planet?

'Where are you f r o m , J ? ' said Liz. J e r e m y chuckled, a n d gave her a long, meaningful look. She tried to a v o i d l o o k i n g confused. ' Y o u h a v e n ' t . . . been here very long, have y o u ? '

12

13

Liz forced out a bashful-young-virgin blush. ' N o , ' she s a i d , fiddling with the bedsheet. 'We only just landed.'

' Y o u k n o w - ill. Delhi belly. T h e shits.' ' L o o k - if you w a n t to survive in this country — you've got to redefine your terms. Ill means one thing in the West

'I could tell,' he said. ' M a y b e it's the airline t a g s on our r u c k s a c k s ? ' I offered.

and another thing in the East. An Indian accepts his fate -

H e ignored me. 'When you've been here . . . a few . . .

it's the West's constant fight against destiny that has created

m o n t h s . . . you stop a s k i n g that question. Y o u begin to

a nation of h y p o c h o n d r i a c s . It's all s o fleeting - to me it

b e l o n g a s much to India as to your native l a n d . '

hardly matters.'

'Right,' said Liz. 'I can i m a g i n e . ' 'Where are you f r o m , t h o u g h ? ' I said.

'I see you don't drink the water, though,' I s a i d , n o d d i n g at the bottle of mineral water by his bed.

H e ignored me.

H e scowled at me. Liz scowled at me.

'England?' I said. 'We're English.'

' D o you mind if I have a sip, J e r e m y - I m e a n , J ? '

Reluctantly, he n o d d e d .

He nodded.

'Whereabouts?' I said.

I realized I didn't w a n t to share his g e r m s , so I tried to

'Oh . . . the south.'

drink without touching the m o u t h of the bottle, but it didn't

'Excellent. S o are we. L o n d o n ? '

really w o r k , a n d m o s t of it went d o w n my front. I don't

'No.'

think they noticed, though.

'Which town?'

Prompted by L i z , he started s p o u t i n g off a b o u t all the

H e w a s pissed off now.

places he'd been to, while she jotted d o w n all his sugges­

' T u n b r i d g e Wells,' he said.

tions, muttering things like 'Wow, it s o u n d s amazing!', 'I

'Nice,' I said. ' M u s t freak you out being here. C o m i n g

don't k n o w if we're brave enough for that,' a n d 'Where

from a rich area like that, I mean.' ' N o t any more. N o t any m o r e , ' he said, l o o k i n g deep

exactly d o you find the camel m a n . . . ?' After this h a d gone on for l o n g enough to m a k e me feel n a u s e o u s , I asked Liz to step into the corridor for a w o r d .

into Liz's eyes. ' H o w long have you been here?' she said. H e chuckled. 'Ohhh - long enough. L o n g enough to love it . . . a n d hate i t . L o n g enough to w o n d e r i f l c a n ever g o b a c k . '

'Why d o we need to go outside?' she s a i d , reluctantly looking up from J e r e m y ' s m a p s . 'Because I w a n t a w o r d . '

'What's that - a week?' I s a i d .

'But...'

Neither of them w a s a m u s e d .

'In private.'

'D'you get ill much, then?' I said.

She e x c h a n g e d l o o k s with J e r e m y , a n d s t e p p e d into the

'What d o you mean by ill?'

corridor with me. Before I h a d a chance to say anything,

H e l o o k e d at me as if he'd said something devastatingly

she laid into me.

intelligent.

'Why are you being s o rude?'

I l o o k e d at him as if he'd said something devastatingly stupid.

' T h e guy's an arsehole.' 'There's no need to talk to him like that.'

i4

15

'Why shouldn't I? H e ' s a prick.' 'If you bothered to talk to him, you'd k n o w that he's

' N o , sorry,' I s a i d , a n d started w a l k i n g a g a i n . T h e kid didn't let g o of my a r m , though. She just carried on w a l k i n g d o w n the street with m e , t u g g i n g at my sleeve.

actually very nice.' ' O h , c o m e on . . .'

' N o , sorry,' I said a g a i n .

' H e is. He's a l s o been here a long time, and has a lot of

She carried on tugging.

information which both of us will find very useful.' 'And that's why you're flirting with him, is it?' 'I'm not flirting with him.' ' Y o u are. He's been giving you the eye since the minute you w a l k e d in the r o o m , a n d you're just l a p p i n g it u p . '

' L o o k - I haven't got any coins.' She tugged harder, and whined a w o r d at me that I couldn't understand. ' N O C O I N S , ' I s a i d , and w a l k e d off at a brisk p a c e . Although she w a s n o w half running, she kept up with me and t a p p e d my a r m whenever she could reach it.

' O h , give me a b r e a k . ' 'It's true. T h a t ' s why I don't like him.'

I stopped walking.

'LOOK

-

NO

COINS.

I'M

GOING TO THE BANK NOW. NO MONEY.'

'Oh, grow up.' She s p u n r o u n d a n d returned to the dormitory. I followed her in a n d s a i d , 'Well you can stay here as long a s y o u like - I'm going to take a look at the city.' 'Aren't you even interested in this?' she said. 'Don't you care where the g o o d places are?' 'I'm absolutely fascinated, Liz. I really a m . But there's a w o r l d out there to e x p l o r e , y o u k n o w . Y o u can't hide from

We stared at each other. She didn't flinch. It w a s clear that whatever I s a i d , she wasn't g o i n g to leave me alone. I set off a g a i n , a s fast as I could without breaking into a run, but still she kept up with me. When I s t o p p e d , she tugged at my sleeve again. 'Get off,' I s a i d . She didn't m o v e . 'Leave me alone.'

it much longer.' I s t r o d e out, sensing victory, but feeling like a bit of a

She stared at me, with e n o r m o u s m i s e r a b l e eyes. I really

s a d twat.

did wish I h a d s o m e money now, partly to get rid of her,

O u t s i d e , it w a s s o m e h o w even hotter than inside.

disgusting h u m a n being. It felt as if she were an inhabitant

but also because the sight of her m a d e me feel like a

T h e hotel w a s in a quiet street, and I walked b a c k t o w a r d s

of hell w h o h a d been sent to haunt me - to remind me how

the m a i n r o a d where the airport bus had d r o p p e d us off.

rich and lucky I w a s , and how I didn't deserve anything

R i g h t , I thought. I'm w a l k i n g d o w n a street in India. I can

that I had.

handle this. I'm doing O K . T h o s e look like p r o p e r h o u s e s , too - it's obviously not such a p o o r country. T h e n s o m e kid, w h o I have to admit did look pretty

I didn't want to be reminded how rich a n d lucky I w a s - especially since at that moment I w a s feeling particularly unlucky: t r a p p e d in unbelievable heat in a repulsive, filthy,

g r u b b y , emerged f r o m behind me a n d started tugging at

threatening country, pinned to the s p o t by a

my sleeve. She c u p p e d her other hand in front of me.

girl w h o wanted my money.

T h a t reminds me, I thought. I have to change s o m e money.

16

five-year-old

We stared at each other. I tried to s t o p myself thinking

17

a b o u t w h a t kind of a life this girl must lead, and even fleetingly imagined that she w a s looking into my eyes, w o n d e r i n g what kind of life I led. A s n a p s h o t of h o m e

They ignore it

p o p p e d up in my mind, m a k i n g me feel instantly homesick a n d guilty. ' G o a w a y , ' I s a i d , weakly. She didn't m o v e . I t o o k a couple of steps, a n d a g a i n she followed me, still tugging at my sleeve. E x a s p e r a t e d , I turned r o u n d and p u s h e d her a w a y , gently enough for her not to fall over, hard enough to m a k e her t a k e a c o u p l e of steps b a c k w a r d s . She stayed there, still eyeballing me.

When I got b a c k to the hotel, Liz a n d J e r e m y were curled

I w a l k e d a w a y , a n d this time she didn't follow.

up on a bed with a m a p of India, giggling together. A s soon

I tried not to let myself think a b o u t what h a d just h a p ­

as I entered the r o o m , they both s t o p p e d laughing a n d gave

pened. It w a s just something I w o u l d have to get used to. T h e r e m u s t be a w a y of shrugging them off. T h e r e must be a w a y that Indians deal with it. I'd just have to learn. F o r an instant, I felt excited. T h i s w a s g o i n g to be a battle. I w a s at last properly challenging myself. T h e n I felt depressed a g a i n . T h e pebbles were b a c k in my s t o m a c h . By n o w I w a s in the main street. Over the r o a d , I could see a b a n k . I crossed over a n d went in.

me guilty l o o k s , followed by badly concealed smirks. ' D o either of you w a n t to g o a n d eat?' I s a i d . 'Why not?' said L i z , giving me a w e a k don't-worrynothing-happened smile. 'Where can you get a g o o d Chinese r o u n d here?' I said. They both frowned at me. ' J o k e , ' I explained. ' O h , right,' said J e r e m y . 'I see.' 'Where do y o u r e c o m m e n d ? ' said L i z , with a p o u t . 'A number of p l a c e s , ' said J e r e m y . 'I p r e s u m e you w a n t vegetarian.' 'Of course.' 'What?' I s a i d . ' Y o u ' r e not a vegetarian.' 'I a m now,' said L i z . 'It's the best w a y to stay healthy. E a t what the locals eat. Indigenous f o o d . ' 'Did you tell her that?' I said. 'Of course. It's well k n o w n

that the meat here is

unhealthy. Y o u only have to see the w a y it sits a r o u n d covered in flies. O f course, I've been a vegetarian since I w a s five. I never could s t o m a c h the stuff, a n d it t o o k me

i9

five years to get up the c o u r a g e to say so. It's deeply

look on my face, he gave a you're-so-naive-Pm-so-wise

ingrained in Western culture that the only real meal is a

chuckle. 'They're not real b e g g a r s those children,' he said.

m e a t - b a s e d . . .'

'They just target the tourist hotels. Y o u ' d never see an Indian giving them any money.'

'Are you saying that the m e a t here's not safe?'

' L o o k e d like a b e g g a r to me. She wasn't exactly p l u m p ,

'Absolutely.'

w a s she?'

' Y o u reckon that if I eat it I'll get sick.'

'They're run by g a n g leaders w h o take whatever money

'Almost certainly, yes.'

they get.'

'I don't believe this! Are you serious?' 'Of course I a m . '

' T h e kids don't get anything?'

' N o - you're joking, aren't you?'

'Of course not. It's all run by p i m p s . ' 'What h a p p e n s if they end the day without any money,

'I'm not. It's c o m m o n knowledge.'

though?'

' Y o u are. Y o u ' r e joking.' ' L o o k - eat what you want. I couldn't give t w o shits.

' O h , I wouldn't worry a b o u t that,' he chuckled. 'They m a k e a lot of money. S o m e soft-hearted soul who's just

But I won't be a r o u n d to carry you to hospital.'

stepped off the plane will casually give them fifty rupees T h e minute we stepped out of the hotel, the girl w h o had

because they k n o w

sod all a b o u t the country. T h a t ' s

been trying to beg f r o m me earlier started following us

what one of those little children's fathers will earn in a

d o w n the street, tugging each of our sleeves one by one.

week's honest labour. It's a terrible thing. T o u r i s t s who act

F o r a while, no one s p o k e .

like that completely screw up the local economy.

T h e n , suddenly, J e r e m y spun round, g a v e the girl a m e n a c i n g look, and shouted in her face, ' N O . N O

BAK­

And

the kids are disgustingly persistent. It really shouldn't be allowed.' T h i s guy w a s a fascist. A hippie fascist.

SHEESH.'

'But you can't treat people like that,' I said.

She didn't move. ' P S S H H T ! P S S H H T ! ' H e hissed at her, w a v i n g her

J e r e m y laughed again. 'It's the only w a y to survive. If

a w a y with his a r m s , trying to frighten her off as if she were

you got upset by every b e g g a r , you'd end up killing yourself.

an under-intelligent d o g .

Y o u have to lose your Western preconceptions

T h e n he g r a b b e d her u p p e r a r m and s h o o k her once, quite hard. H e r expression remained totally blank, a n d she

about

materialist wealth a n d deal with it in the s a m e way as the Indians.' 'And how do Indians deal with it?'

didn't move. ' P S S H H T ! ' he hissed.

'They ignore it.'

T h i s time she obeyed, quietly turning round, and heading

J e r e m y w a s enjoying this. H e thought it m a d e him s o u n d

b a c k to her waiting spot outside the hotel. T h e three of us w a l k e d on in e m b a r r a s s e d silence. I w a s s h o c k e d that J e r e m y could be so callous. Registering the

20

clever. 'Believe m e , ' he s a i d , 'within a fortnight, you won't even notice the b e g g a r s any m o r e . '

' H o w can you fail to notice s o m e o n e when they're pulling on your sleeve a n d won't let g o of you?' ' Y o u just do. Y o u get a l o o k on your face - an impervious look which the b e g g a r s can s p o t , and they s t o p bothering you because they can tell that you've s t o p p e d noticing them and won't give them any money.'

'I'm not talking a b o u t it any m o r e . E a t whatever you want, a n d enjoy it. I don't give a shit,' said J e r e m y . 'I can't believe I've c o me all the w a y to India, and I can't even have a curry.' 'Of course you can have a curry,' said Liz. ' J u s t eat a vegetarian one.'

'Why did that girl g o after y o u , then?'

' T h a t ' s not a bloody curry. T h a t ' s a side dish.'

'She wasn't after me, she w a s after you t w o . I just did

They ignored me.

you a favour by getting rid of her. Besides, Delhi's different.

' H o w did y o u find this place?' said Liz. 'Oh — I've been here lots of times. J u s t d u g it out, I

They're m o r e organized.' 'And you reckon,' said L i z , 'that within a fortnight they'll

s u p p o s e . It's not in the b o o k or anything.' 'Which b o o k ? ' she said.

s t o p bothering us?' 'I guarantee it. They'll s t o p bothering you just as s o o n as you s t o p being scared of them.' 'We just have to toughen ourselves up a bit,' said Liz. 'Exactly. We're all far t o o p a m p e r e d in the West. It's one of the best things a b o u t c o m i n g to India - you have to face up to horrible things a n d develop an immunity to them.' 'Who says immunity's a g o o d thing?' I s a i d . ' L o o k — if you don't develop it, you'll never be h a p p y

' T h e b o o k . T h e B o o k . T h e r e ' s only one w o r t h having.' 'We've got the Lonely Planet — is that the right one?' Her face w a s o v e r c o m e with anxiety. 'It's not the right one.' H e p a u s e d for effect. 'It's the only one.' Liz sighed with relief. 'If it's not in T h e B o o k , how c o m e there are so many Westerners here?' I said.

here,' said J e r e m y with a sigh, suddenly b o r e d with the

'Word of m o u t h . '

conversation. 'It's as simple a s that.'

'And

'You're right,' said Liz. ' Y o u ' r e absolutely right.' I s a w the worry-line begin to m o v e from her forehead,

how

come

the

whole menu's

translated

into

English?' Liz s n a p p e d . 'When are you going to s t o p sulking?'

as she set her face into a new expression. H e r chin jutted

'I'm not sulking.'

f o r w a r d a fraction, a n d her eyes n a r r o w e d .

'If you don't like it, you shouldn't have c o m e . '

Liz h a d set a b o u t toughening herself u p .

'I do like it. I just need to get used to everything.'

H e r e we g o , I thought. A s if she wasn't bossy enough

'Well, stop whining all the time a n d m a k e an effort.' 'I'm not whining.'

already.

' Y o u are whining. A n d you're being very hostile to J e r e m y In the restaurant, only one part of the menu l o o k e d a p p e ­

- I m e a n , to J . ' ' N o I'm not.'

tizing. 'Are you really serious a b o u t the meat thing? Y o u ' r e not just trying to convert me or something?'

22

'Yes you are.' ' J - a m I being hostile t o w a r d s you?'

23

'I think m a y b e y o u just feel a little threatened. It's per­ fectly natural.'

O n the w a y b a c k f r o m the restaurant, just before we arrived at the hotel, w e were accosted by the s a m e beggar. H a v i n g

'Threatened? By you? N a u s e a t e d , m a y b e . T h r e a t e n e d I'm afraid not.'

already failed with J e r e m y a n d m e , this time she targeted Liz.

' D a v e . Stop it. I'm not a m u s e d , ' said L i z .

T h e newly toughened L i z wasted n o time, a n d after one

'What are you - my teacher or something?'

tiny sleeve-tug, she spun r o u n d , g r a b b e d the kid by the

'Are you going to behave?'

shoulder a n d s a i d , ' N O - N O M O N E Y . G O H O M E , '

'Liz - don't be . . .'

shaking her violently for emphasis. T h e girl, displaying

'Are you?'

considerably m o r e skill than m e at recognizing a psycho

' J e s u s . O K , O K . I'm sorry. I'll behave.'

when she s a w o n e , b a c k e d off immediately.

Liz gave m e a hard stare, then clicked her fingers at the waiter.

Liz marched on to the hotel, victory s t a m p e d o n her jawline. I could read what w a s going on in her head. Dave

'Waiter! We're ready to order.'

can't handle this, she w a s thinking. He's struggling. me - I'm doing just fine. I can cope.

' N o we're not!' She glared at me.

But

F o r an instant, I felt the burnt-rubber aftertaste of a

'Was that a whine? A r e y o u classing that a s a whine?'

m a l a r i a tablet in the b a c k of my throat. T h i s whole thing

She glared harder.

just wasn't g o i n g to w o r k .

'Fine. Sorry I s p o k e . I s u p p o s e I'll just have one of whatever you're having.' 'Very imaginative,' she s a i d , a n d maliciously

ordered

something m a d e of lentils. It w a s a big m o m e n t taking my first mouthful of Indian food. I started with a few grains of rice. T h a t seemed O K . It tasted of rice. I then m o v e d o n to the lentil dish, chewing slowly at first to see if anything strange w a s g o i n g to happen. It tasted hotter than m o s t curries I h a d eaten, but went d o w n easily enough a n d didn't seem to p r o v o k e any instant adverse reaction. D u e to my a n x i o u s state I didn't have much of an appetite, but I forced d o w n m o s t of my portion in the h o p e that it w o u l d help me keep my spirits u p . F o r desert, we each h a d a m a l a r i a tablet.

24

'Liz. D a v e . ' 'Hi,' she s a i d , offering me a cheek to peck. (Fantastic skin, too.)

It's not compulsory, you know

'And have I introduced you to these?' said J a m e s , taking a step b a c k a n d indicating two p a i r s of identical brownleather b o o t s , s p o r t e d by him and Paul. 'What the hell is that?' I said. 'Walking b o o t s . B r a n d new,' replied J a m e s . 'We've done our final big s h o p . L o o k . ' H e lifted a huge green Y H A -shop b a g on to the table, a n d we all sat d o w n . ' R u c k s a c k ; money belt; mosquito-repellent stick; m o s ­

I h a d first met Liz only a few months previously. It w a s

quito-repellent

spray;

c o m i n g up to C h r i s t m a s , and a g r o u p of us f r o m school,

purification tablets -

all in the middle of our year off before university, were

tubes . . .'

mosquito-repellent

gel;

water-

eight p a c k s ; travel w a s h -

four

meeting up for a final drink together. T h e g r o u p w a s a b o u t

While the pile of junk mounted on the table, I caught

to break u p , with m o s t of us setting off on various trips

sight of Liz's face. She w a s squinting slightly, a n d her mouth

a r o u n d the world.

w a s set in an angry p o u t . J a m e s , you see, w a s doing his big

J a m e s (nominally my best friend, but in fact we'd been

trip with Paul (oldest friend a n d general obedient s t o o g e ) ,

getting on each other's nerves for at least three years) turned

while Liz w a s stuck in L o n d o n d o i n g an art foundation

up with Paul, and with his new girlfriend - L i z . T h i s

course.

struck me as slightly i n a p p r o p r i a t e . Y o u don't really want

'. . . mini sewing kit; water-resistant torch; special sweat-

a newcomer a r o u n d when old friends are getting together

absorbent

for an emotional farewell. It's inhibiting.

p u r p o s e sink plug; a n d , best of a l l . . . this.'

' H a v e you two met?' he s a i d , trying to s o u n d c a s u a l . W e both knew that he h a d told me all a b o u t her, in explicit and tedious detail, while deliberately keeping us apart.

socks; nylon emergency

towel; rubber all-

In his hand, J a m e s held out a palm-sized piece of s q u a r e black plastic. 'What is it?'

I h a d a s s u m e d that this m e a n t he w a s e m b a r r a s s e d by

' D a - d a a a h . ' H e prised open the plastic, revealing a s q u a r e

L i z , a n d by her inability to live up to his ludicrous claims

of p a p e r which, after delicate unfolding, s h o w e d a m a p of

a b o u t her beauty, but one sight of her instantly demolished

the w o r l d .

that theory. She w a s a m a z i n g . A n d exactly h o w

he'd

T h e last thing I w a n t e d to see w a s a m a p of the world,

described her. With an affronted jolt, I realized that

since it inevitably indicated that he w a s a b o u t to force-feed

J a m e s hadn't introduced us b e c a u s e he w a s e m b a r r a s s e d

me with yet another account of the latest, infinitesimal

by me.

changes to his 'master plan'. I opted for swift diversionary

'I don't think so,' I replied.

z6

tactics.

2-7

'Walking b o o t s ? W h a t d o you need w a l k i n g b o o t s for?'

ested in how m a n y hills there are that are a little bigger

'For our trek. We're d o i n g a trek in the . . .'

than lots of other hills.'

'Since when have you been into w a l k i n g ? '

' D a v e - you can't face us talking a b o u t our trip because

'Since a l w a y s . '

it reminds you that you are pissing a w a y your year. Y o u ' r e

'Bollocks. Y o u a l w a y s said you hate the countryside.

pissing it a w a y b e c a u s e you haven't planned anything, and you haven't p l a n n e d anything b e c a u s e you're basically too

Y o u think it's boring.' 'This is the H i m a l a y a s we're talking a b o u t , D a v e . It's

not

scared to go travelling.' 'I'm going a b r o a d . '

countryside.'

'It is. It's just big countryside.'

' T o Switzerland?'

' D a v i d - we're g o i n g to see three eight-thousand-metre

'Yes.'

p e a k s . D o you realize how many eight-thousand-metre p e a k s there are in the w o r l d ? '

' O o o h - aren't we brave? Y o u ' r e really risking life and limb there. Waiter in a Swiss hotel! H a z a r d o u s stuff.'

' N o , and I'm not i n t - '

'Don't be an arsehole, J a m e s . '

'Six.'

'Shocking hygiene, t o o . Y o u ' r e g o i n g to get really ill in

Switzerland.'

'Seven,' said Paul.

' J a m e s , you're being annoying,' said L i z . ' M a y b e he

'It's six.' 'There are seven.'

w a n t s to learn French. O r G e r m a n . Which part of the

'Six.'

country is it?'

I turned to L i z . 'Fascinating c o m p a n y , these t w o . ' She shrugged and half smiled at me. ' J a m e s , ' I s a i d , cutting in on their a r g u m e n t , 'you're boring. T h e pair of you are p i s s - b o r i n g . T a l k to each other

'I'm g o i n g to the French-speaking bit, near to the . . .' ' D o you w a n t to learn Fwench, D a v i d ? S o m e t h i n g p w a c tical for your C V ?' I could feel my face going red.

a b o u t your trip in private, O K ? T h e r e are t w o other p e o p l e

'You're j e a l o u s , a n d you're a c o w a r d , ' he said. ' Y o u can't

here, a n d we'd like to stay a w a k e , so can we try a n d talk

face d o i n g any real travel because you don't think you

a b o u t something real?'

could survive in . . . in a different culture.'

' H a h , ' said J a m e s .

'I could survive.'

'What d o you m e a n , " h a h " ? '

'Why aren't you d o i n g it, then?'

' T h a t ' s . . . j u s t . . . not very elegant.'

'Just. ..'

'Elegant?'

'Will you lay off him,' said Liz. ' N o t everyone is like

'I m e a n - that kind of . . . open jealousy . . . is . . . is just

y o u , J a m e s . If he doesn't w a n t to travel, he doesn't want to travel. It's not c o m p u l s o r y , you k n o w . '

embarrassing.' ' O h , I see. I'm not bored - I'm j e a l o u s . '

T h a t w a s it. T h e m o m e n t I fell in love with her. O r started to fall in love with her.

'Yes.' 'And in my heart of hearts, I really a m desperately inter-

28

J a m e s bit b a c k a scowl a n d tried to smile. H e didn't like

29

being contradicted in public by his girlfriend. ( T h a t ' s the

'Well, with D r Livingstone here h e a d i n g off, my social

kind of arsehole he w a s . ) 'Yeah, but . . . I m e a n , you'd

life is in d a n g e r of withering a w a y . Will y o u give m e a ring

g o travelling if you weren't stuck in your a r t f o u n d a t i o n

when y o u get b a c k ? '

course.'

T u n n e l vision. R a c i n g pulse. C o l d sweat. ' U m . . . yeah.

'I'm not stuck in an art f o u n d a t i o n course. I chose to d o an art foundation course.'

I haven't . . . u m . . . g o t your . . .' 'Here's my n u m b e r . ' She pulled a pen f r o m her b a g , a n d

' Y e a h , but if you h a d the time, you'd g o off to A s i a or something, wouldn't y o u ? '

wrote o n a beer-mat. ' T h a n k s . ' I smiled at her, a n d she blinked b a c k . I turned

'I p r o b a b l y will g o to " A s i a or something". I've g o t a perfectly long s u m m e r holiday.'

to smile at J a m e s , b u t he seemed to be exhibiting the s y m p t o m s of a d v a n c e d flu, a n d couldn't even look at me.

'I k n o w . We've discussed that. All I mean is, if y o u h a d a year off like D a v e , y o u wouldn't w a s t e your time pissing a r o u n d in E u r o p e . '

I k n o w it's b a d to think a b o u t your friends this w a y , but for several years it h a d been o b v i o u s to both of us that

'And all J mean is, stop s h o w i n g off. W e all k n o w where

J a m e s h a d the better of me. It wasn't anything specific, but

you're going. W e think you're very clever a n d very brave.

an a c c u m u l a t i o n of little things h a d p u t him o n t o p . N o w ,

N o w d r o p it.'

with that b e e r - m a t in my b a c k p o c k e t , for the first time

Silence descended. T h e y stared at each other. Veins were

since w e were fifteen I felt as if I h a d the better of him.

standing out on J a m e s ' s temples. I w a s a l m o s t fainting with delight.

I floated h o m e f r o m the p u b , my fingers fluttering every

'Shall I get m o r e drinks?' said Paul, with a c o u g h . 'What d o y o u . . . ? U m . . . h o w a b o u t the s a m e a g a i n ? . . . I'll get that, then.' Paul retreated to the b a r , his shoes s q u e a k i n g slightly a s he w a l k e d . J a m e s a n d Liz continued to stare at each other. 'I need the toilet,' I s a i d , standing u p . ' O h , no I don't. I'll g o later.' I sat d o w n a g a i n , trying to hold in an evil smile. J a m e s gave me an angry look. I s h r u g g e d , pretending not to understand what he meant. T u r n i n g my h e a d , I realized that Liz w a s also holding in a smile, but rather less effectively than me. A smirk w a s playing on her lips, a n d it wasn't directed at J a m e s , but at me. ' H o w long are you going to be in Switzerland, D a v e ? ' she said. ' J u s t for the ski season. A b o u t four months.'

30

few seconds to touch the small bulge, s q u a r e with r o u n d e d corners, in the b a c k of my jeans.

d a y in a country that's too p o o r to have m u s e u m s . N o t that I like m u s e u m s particularly - 1 just mean that sightsee­ ing's O K for a while - a few weeks, m a y b e - but what d o

You are. You're asking me out

you d o if there aren't any sights? D o you just w a n d e r a r o u n d l o o k i n g at the p o o r p e o p l e and eating disgusting food that ruins your liver for the rest of your life? W h a t d o you d o all day? T h e m o s t eloquent defence of travel I got w a s from Paul, w h o s a i d , ' D u n n o . T h e r e must be something

to d o .

Apparently the d o p e ' s really cheap.' J a m e s h a d then launched into s o m e e n o r m o u s long-winded theory a b o u t I h a d spent the first half of my year off w o r k i n g at the S o c k

imperialist cultural a s s u m p t i o n s and putting yourself into

S h o p in King's C r o s s . When you w o r k in a clothes s h o p ,

a situation where you're challenged to think a b o u t things

all you d o is w a l k a r o u n d folding up what the c u s t o m e r s

that are taken for granted in the West, but I could tell that

have unfolded. T h i s m a k e s the S o c k S h o p a particularly

w h a t he actually meant w a s ' T h e d o p e really is cheap.'

weird place to w o r k , because you can't fold a sock. Y o u r

Besides, anyone w h o talks a b o u t challenging their cultural

life begins to have so little m e a n i n g that you start w o n d e r i n g

a s s u m p t i o n s a n d then goes to T h a i l a n d is clearly talking

if you're still alive. After that, you even start d o u b t i n g

out of their arse.

whether or not socks actually exist.

Even though I thought the whole thing s o u n d e d pretty

M o s t of my friends h a d d o n e similar (though usually less

pointless, I still felt under a certain a m o u n t of pressure to

surreal) j o b s , and were n o w spending their money on a trip

d o it. H o w e v e r I rationalized my desire to stay in E u r o p e ,

to India, S o u t h - E a s t A s i a or Australia. Everyone seemed to

I always ended up feeling that in all honesty, it c a m e

have big ideas a b o u t how they h a d to find themselves,

d o w n to cowardice. N o other e x p l a n a t i o n w a s possible. If

whatever that meant, through s o m e journey to a poverty-

I couldn't face g o i n g to the T h i r d W o r l d , I w a s a c o w a r d .

stricken flea-pit half-way up a malaria-infested m o u n t a i n

In the b a c k of my mind, I w a s h o p i n g that something

on the other side of the planet. T h e r e w a s a general belief

w o u l d happen which w o u l d whisk m e a w a y to a land of

that a long a n d unpleasant holiday w a s of crucial import­

suffering, danger a n d poverty, but I wasn't willing to m a k e

ance to one's development as a h u m a n being.

it h a p p e n myself. I w a n t e d to have one of those big trips

At this stage, I still h a d no plans for what I w a s going

behind me, but I'd never get a r o u n d to putting myself

to d o when I got b a c k f r o m Switzerland, but felt pretty

through it. Suffering, danger and poverty are all fine by

certain that the last thing I fancied w a s g o i n g s o m e w h e r e

me, but dirt a n d disease are t w o things I h a p p e n to hate. I

dirty. Basically - I hate being ill, a n d I just couldn't see

just didn't w a n t to go.

the point of p a c k i n g myself off to certain dysentery and

A s for what I'd d o when I got b a c k from Switzerland, I

p r o b a b l y worse. I also couldn't figure out w h a t you d o all

felt depressed just thinking a b o u t it. I w o u l d have earned

32-

33

plenty of money by then, a n d the obligation to travel w o u l d

'Um - it's me. D a v e . D a v e Greenford. J a m e s ' s friend.'

be m o r e powerful than ever. I needed to think of s o m e way

'Dave! Shit - it's g o o d to hear f r o m you. H o w ' s things?'

to spend it that didn't l o o k like too much of a c o p - o u t .

'Fine, fine.' 'What have y o u been up t o ? '

M y j o b in Switzerland turned out to be just as dull as the one at the S o c k S h o p , with Alpine b o r e d o m differing only

'Oh - this a n d that. Y o u k n o w . I've just got b a c k f r o m Switzerland.'

from the metropolitan variety in that it is slightly more

'Oh yeah. O f course. H o w w a s it?'

sweet-smelling. I s o m e h o w failed to meet a horny million­

' C r a p . T h e y ' r e all w a n k e r s . '

airess with months to live, a n d arrived b a c k in E n g l a n d

'Really?'

with no plans as to what I should d o with the rest of my

'Yeah.'

year. By now it w a s M a r c h , a n d all my friends were either

'What - all of them?'

a b r o a d or at university.

'Everyone I met.'

After repeated desultory flips through my a d d r e s s b o o k ,

' G o d . T h a t ' s b a d luck.'

I w a s forced to a c k n o w l e d g e that something radical h a d to

' N o t really - m o r e a statistical certainty.'

be d o n e if I wanted to have a life. I d u g out the beer-mat

'Right. S o u n d s like you really got into the local culture.'

and stared at Liz's phone number. F o r several d a y s , whenever I p a s s e d within reach of a

'Absolutely. Yodelling a n d rubber cheese - what m o r e could a guy w a n t ? '

telephone, my pulse accelerated slightly. But I couldn't

' Y o u ' r e going b a c k s o o n , then?'

quite m a k e myself ring her.

'Soon as I can. A n y w a y - what a b o u t y o u ? W h a t are you

After d o i n g the old dial-half-the-number, w a l k - a r o u n d -

up to?'

the-house-a-few-times, dial-half-the-number, g o - a n d - b u y -

'Nothing. I've been bored to p i s s . '

some-milk, dial-half-the-number, nip-out-for-a-newspaper,

'Bored to piss? T h a t s o u n d s serious.'

dial -half - the - number, go - into - the - g a r d e n - a n d - torture - a s m a l l - a n i m a l routine each d a y for a l m o s t a week, I finally forced myself to go through with it.

'Everyone's a w a y . All my friends have just vanished off the face of the earth.' 'I'm so p l e a s e d to hear you say that. I've got exactly the s a m e p r o b l e m . It's tragic. Everyone's d i s a p p e a r e d . I've been

'Hello — is Liz there, p l e a s e ? '

having the social life of a m a g g o t . ' 'I w o u l d have thought m a g g o t s h a d quite a g o o d social

' Y u p — speaking.' 'Oh.'

life,' she said. 'I m e a n , you never see a lonely m a g g o t , d o

I didn't k n o w what to say. W h a t w a s it you were s u p p o s e d

you?' W h a t a weird thing to say. I felt my cheeks flush. T h i s

to say in these situations?

w a s it. I w a s falling in love with her again.

'Hi,' I tried. T h a t w a s it. T h a t s o u n d e d right.

' M a k e that a m a g g o t with a speech impediment a n d acne,' I said.

'Hi. W h o is this?'

34

35

'A wiggle impediment, m a y b e . '

normally spent a g o o d twenty minutes negotiating a suitable

T h i s w a s amazing! We were really b o n d i n g now.

meeting place, and she just . . . b l o o d y hell! T h i s

'Imagine being a m a g g o t with a wiggle impediment,' I

amazing.

said. ' N o one would talk to you. If you h a d , like, half a wiggle, you'd only be able to g o r o u n d in circles, and everyone w o u l d take the piss really badly.' 'Do you reckon there's such a thing as a really sexy, p o p u l a r m a g g o t ? With a curvaceous wiggle?' I w a s a l m o s t helpless with lust. ' L o o k - Liz. Are you d o i n g anything?' 'What d o you m e a n ? ' ' Y o u k n o w — are you up to anything, like, this week?' 'Are you asking me out?' ' N o , no, no. I'm not, I'm not. I j u s t . . . sort of w o n d e r e d if we could sort of meet up for a drink or something.' ' Y o u are. Y o u ' r e asking me out.' ' N o - it's nothing like that, I j u s t . . .' 'Stop squirming, you pratt. I'm winding y o u u p . Y o u ' r e J a m e s ' s mate. Y o u ' r e not exactly going to turn round and start g r o p i n g me the minute he leaves the country, are you?' I chuckled weakly. ' Y o u two are still g o i n g out, then?' 'Of course we are. L o o k — I've got sod all to d o this evening. D o you want to meet in C a m d e n a r o u n d eight?' 'Right. O K . C o o l . ' 'I'll see you at the station exit.' 'There's two.' 'At the main one, then.' 'They're the s a m e . ' ' O h , don't be such a k n o b . I'll see you at the prettier one.' T h e n she put the phone d o w n . Shit! I'd never been b o s s e d a r o u n d like that before. I

36

was

'Tell me a b o u t it.' ' T h a t ' s a long time. Eight months. Don't you reckon he'll get b o r e d ? '

Another plump, juicy, bursting peach

'Bored? Y o u think he'll polish off everything there is to d o in T h a i l a n d , H o n g K o n g , Bali, A u s t r a l i a a n d A m e r i c a in eight m o n t h s , d o y o u ? ' ' N o - it's not that - it's j u s t . . . eight months a w a y f r o m home. That's ages. N o Marmite. N o EastEnders. Warm beer.' ' W a r m beer?' 'Apparently, yeah. E x c e p t m a y b e in A u s t r a l i a . '

I w a s late for our meeting at C a m d e n station, but L i z w a s even later. I noticed for the first time that one of the exits

'I w a s h o p i n g that he'd be marginally m o r e worried a b o u t missing m e . '

w a s marginally less ugly than the other, a n d that w a s where

'Exactly. T h a t t o o . Eight months . . .'

she turned up.

'It's hard e n o u g h already.'

We went to the World's E n d p u b , and I o r d e r e d a G u i n ­ ness in the hope that I'd c o m e a c r o s s as a bit of an intel­ lectual.

'And you don't mind him running a w a y like that and leaving you alone for all this time?' ' H e didn't run away. It's his year off for G o d ' s s a k e .

It w a s the first time we'd ever been alone together, a n d

I wouldn't w a n t to g o out with s o m e o n e w h o s e idea of

once we'd sat d o w n with our drinks it b e c a m e clear that

fun w a s sitting in St A l b a n s w o r k i n g as a filing clerk all

we didn't really have very m u c h to talk a b o u t . O u r only

year.'

connection w a s J a m e s . I didn't w a n t to e n c o u r a g e her to

'I s u p p o s e not. Didn't you want to g o with him, though?'

talk a b o u t him, but I didn't w a n t l o n g silences either, a n d

'Of course I wanted to go with him. D'you think I'd

when the first one began to g a p e open, I chickened out and

rather be in a p u b with you than on a beach in T h a i l a n d

t o o k the easy option.

with J a m e s ? '

'Any news from J a m e s ? '

' N o . I s u p p o s e not.'

' Y e a h , lots. H e s e e m s to b e getting on fine. G o t a letter every few days at first, then it started g o i n g d o w n . H a v e n ' t had one for a b o u t a fortnight now.' 'When'd he g o ? '

'There is the small matter o f my o w n life to consider. I can't just leave like that. I'm in the middle of a course.' 'Oh yeah. I forgot. Still - he could have waited. I m e a n , you get a s u m m e r holiday, don't y o u ? '

'January.'

'He's been p l a n n i n g it for years. Since before I even knew

'Shit - three m o n t h s . '

him.'

'Five m o r e to g o . '

' Y o u don't m i n d , then?'

'I didn't realize it w a s that long.'

'I wouldn't say I don't mind. I'm not exactly over the

38

39

m o o n a b o u t being on my o w n all year. But it's w h a t he's

' D a v e - d o you understand what I'm talking a b o u t ? It's a p r o p e r relationship. We're in love.'

got to d o . '

'Got to?'

'All right, all right, all right, all right. I've got the m e s s a g e .

'Yes - g o t to.'

O K . C h a n g e of subject - please.'

"Why's he got t o ? '

T h e r e w a s a long silence. I w a s still avoiding her eyes.

' J u s t because he h a s . T h a t ' s what he feels.'

' Y o u k n o w w h a t ? ' she s a i d .

'What - so he can find himself?'

'What?'

'You're so cynical a b o u t all this. What's your p r o b l e m ? '

' T h e funny thing is . . .'

'I haven't got a p r o b l e m . I just don't think . . . y o u k n o w

'What?'

. . . I don't think he's treating y o u very well.'

'We talked a b o u t this before he left.'

She laughed and s h o o k her head.

'What - a b o u t me?'

'You're funny.'

' N o . A b o u t this.'

'Why?' I s a i d , smiling.

'What do y o u m e a n ? '

'Well - not only are you jealous of him g o i n g a w a y ,

'About infidelity.'

you're also jealous of his girlfriend. A n d you're s u p p o s e d

'Right.'

to be his mate. I m e a n , if that's w h a t y o u think of your

'And we decided . . .'

friends . ..'

'What?'

T h a t wasn't what I w a s expecting her to say.

'Well - you k n o w . M e and him have been together, what

'What d o you m e a n ? '

- a b o u t five months. N o w he's gone a w a y for eight m o n t h s ,

'About w h a t ? ' She w a s smirking.

and we just thought — that you can't force these things.'

'What d o you m e a n , " j e a l o u s of his girlfriend"?'

'What things?'

She spun in her chair, pretending to l o o k a r o u n d the p u b

' Y o u k n o w - whatever happens, when he comes b a c k ,

for s o m e o n e . 'Shit - I think I m u s t mean m e , ' she said.

things aren't g o i n g to be the s a m e . We won't be able to

T h e n she gave me one of those looks. O n e of those looks

just start a g a i n where we left off.'

that you have to l o o k a w a y from.

'So . . . ?'

'I don't think you realize what kind of a relationship I

'So, we just thought - that it's better to play things by

have with J a m e s , ' she said. 'We're not kids any m o r e . T h i s

ear. We both reckoned that with him so far a w a y , for so

isn't teenagers snogging behind the bike sheds, you k n o w . '

long, the chances of him - like - behaving himself are really

'You're still teenagers.'

very low, a n d the m o r e p r e s s u r e we both feel under to stay

'Yes - but we don't s n o g behind the bike sheds. W e m a k e

- celibate, or something - the harder it will m a k e things. Basically - we both reckon that the m o r e pressure there is,

love.' She said that just to freak m e out. T h e r e really w a s no call for that kind of l a n g u a g e . 'I'm so impressed.'

the m o r e likely we are to be unfaithful.' 'What are you saying?' ' J u s t that . . . we both decided to be a bit open a b o u t

40

4i

things. T h a t if anything h a p p e n e d , it w o u l d n ' t be the end o f the world. T h a t w e should both d o w h a t w e want.'

'Why?' 'It just m a k e s m e l a u g h . T h e r e y o u a r e , m a k i n g these hilariously clumsy p a s s e s at m e , and if you weren't. . . w h o

'And what do y o u w a n t ? '

you are . . . I'd p r o b a b l y g o along with it, just to get it out

I w a s trying t o s t o p myself f r o m smiling.

of my system.'

'Well - I d u n n o . It's just that m e and J a m e s - w e used t o — y o u k n o w — have a great time. W e h a d a n excellent time together. It w a s always great. Well - m a y b e n o t at first - I m e a n , in the beginning he didn't k n o w w h a t the

'What? W h o a m I? W h a t a m I?' 'You're J a m e s ' s m a t e . ' 'So? S o w h a t ? Y o u h a p p e n e d to meet m e through J a m e s . So what?'

hell he w a s d o i n g - b u t once w e g o t going - y o u k n o w it

'So what?'

w a s a l w a y s . . . w e a l w a y s h a d a lot of fun. A n d u p until

'He's gone. H e ' s n o t back for a g e s . '

he left, w e were together a l m o s t all the time - for weeks. I w a s virtually living with him. H e w a s a l w a y s there - a n d

'Jesus! Y o u might have n o scruples, but it m a k e s a differ­ ence to m e . Besides, it's all w r o n g , a n y w a y . '

I m e a n , to be h o n e s t . . .' She let o u t a chuckle. H e r cheeks

'Why?'

were slightly flushed. ' L o o k - can I be frank here? T o be

'Well - we're friends, right?'

honest - y o u get used t o it.'

'Yes.'

She let that thought sit on the table in front of us, until it w a s ripe.

'So it's w r o n g . Y o u k n o w - if y o u were s o m e guy, a n d this w a s the first time I'd met y o u , w e could just - y o u

'It's only three m o n t h s , n o w - a n d I'm getting - y o u k n o w . . . a l m o s t - like - d e s p e r a t e . ' T h e r e w a s another one. Another p l u m p , juicy, bursting peach. I w a s very, very excited. 'And . . . ?' I said.

k n o w - in out t h a n k s very m u c h bye bye. But we're friends. It couldn't w o r k like that.' 'Why not?' 'It just couldn't.' T h i s w a s b a d news. I pulled my grieving-bloodhound

'And w h a t ? '

face. L i z let out a half-laugh-half-sigh a n d g a v e me a consol­

She didn't seem t o k n o w w h a t I meant.

ing squeeze on the knee. S o m e consolation that w a s .

'I m e a n . . . why a r e y o u telling m e this?' I g a v e her a flirtatious look. ' O h right. I see. Y e s - I remember. I w a s just thinking that's what's s o funny.'

' L o o k - have y o u forgotten what w e said o n the p h o n e already?' 'What?' 'All o u r m a t e s a r e either o u t o f the country o r a t univer­

'What? W h a t ' s funny.'

sity. We're s t r a n d e d . L o o k - I'm really glad you've c o m e

' Y o u . Y o u ' r e funny.'

b a c k from Switzerland. It's great to have s o m e o n e to h a n g

'What? Why?'

a r o u n d with other than the pricks from art college. T h e

'It's just funny. Y o u k n o w — the w h o l e thing just seems

t w o of us c a n have a laugh together. I wouldn't w a n t t o

really i r o n i c '

throw that a w a y just for o n e quick screw.'

42

43

'Right. I see.' She p a t t e d my thigh.

Does it have to be India?

I w o u l d have gladly thrown a w a y just a b o u t anything for a quick screw — and w h o said it w o u l d have to be quick, anyway? H e r definition of the w o r d 'desperate' obviously w a s n ' t the s a m e as mine.

In the weeks after our drink in C a m d e n , I s a w Liz increas­ ingly often. I b e g a n to realize that, in a strange w a y , she h a d been right a b o u t not shagging. Because of that conversation, we both knew exactly what the other one thought, a n d all the sex stuff could be left on one side. I still fancied her, a n d she knew I still fancied her, but we both knew that nothing w a s going to happen (or at least acted that way) and as a result, we could b e c o m e like n o r m a l m a t e s . It w a s the first time I'd ever h a d a p r o p e r female friend. She really w a s a g o o d l a u g h , a n d it w a s genuinely possible to get on well with her, despite the fact that I w a n t e d her b o d y but couldn't d o anything a b o u t it. I actually got on with her better than I could remember getting on with any of my regular friends. W e could have a laugh a n d everything, then, s o m e t i m e s , if we were in the m o o d , we h a d quite serious conversations. I m e a n , what we ended up saying w a s occasionally properly . . . well, intimate. I ended up telling her things that I'd never really told anyone before. I can't actually remember w h a t they were n o w , but at the time I r e m e m b e r thinking that it all felt very deep.

45

Although we were just friends, a n d I didn't m a k e another

talk to each other a g a i n . But o n e day L i z , completely

p a s s at her, over time it b e c a m e o b v i o u s that w e were getting

out of the blue, floored me with a suggestion that opened

closer and closer. Whenever we sat d o w n , we a l w a y s found

up m o r e sexual possibilities than I h a d d a r e d d r e a m

ourselves right next to each other. When we went for w a l k s ,

about.

we often held h a n d s . A n d in the cinema, it w a s quite c o m m o n for us to squeeze v a r i o u s bits of each other's legs.

It w a s c o m i n g to the end of April, a n d Liz w a s skiving off college for the third time that week. W e h a d just spent

N o w I'm n o expert, but it seemed o b v i o u s to me that

the afternoon lounging a r o u n d on H a m p s t e a d H e a t h , a n d

something sexual w a s g o i n g on. I wasn't m a k i n g a d v a n c e s

both of us were lying on our b a c k s on the g r o u n d . I w a s

to her or anything, but between us, things were just h a p p e n ­

flat on the g r a s s , and Liz h a d her h e a d on my belly.

ing - a l m o s t of their o w n a c c o r d . A n d the m o r e we sat

'What are you g o i n g to d o , then?' she s a i d .

a r o u n d fondling each other, talking a b o u t our deepest,

'About what?'

darkest secrets a n d e x p o s i n g the depths of our hearts to

'With the rest of your year.'

each other, the m o r e there w a s this massive thing that

' A a a h - that's the

neither of us w a s mentioning.

'Six million.'

A n d I knew - you just k n o w when this h a p p e n s - you

five-million-dollar

'It's not that i m p o r t a n t . '

d o - I just knew that if I h a d said that we were acting like

'You've got over four months left.'

a p a i r of h o n e y m o o n e r s , she w o u l d have acted all s h o c k e d ,

'True.'

got angry, a n d the w h o l e thing w o u l d have d i s a p p e a r e d in

' Y o u going to w o r k ? '

a puff of s m o k e - because if the physical stuff h a d vanished,

' N o t if I can avoid it.'

the w h o l e friendship w o u l d have collapsed a l m o s t immedi­

' D o you need to w o r k ? '

ately. W e couldn't have gone b a c k to not touching without

' N o t really, no.'

feeling like complete fakes.

'You're joking.'

O c c a s i o n a l l y , she'd say things like, 'You've got a very

question, isn't it?'

'I don't. I'm M r M o n e y b a g s n o w . '

close sense of personal s p a c e , haven't y o u ? ' , which is bol­

'Really?'

locks - it's just s o wide of the m a r k . I've got a bigger

' Y u p . Doesn't it s h o w ? '

exclusion zone than C h e r n o b y l , a n d I hate touching people,

' N o - you're still a s tight as ever.'

I really d o - but I'd have to just lie, and tell her that she

' G l a d to hear it.'

w a s right.

' H o w c o m e you're so rich, then?'

She m u s t have k n o w n that the w h o l e friendship w a s a

'Basically - the m i n i m u m w a g e in Switzerland is over a

farce, a n d that s o m e t h i n g heavy w a s on the w a y , but she

grand a month. A n d since I didn't have a social life, I saved

m a d e d a m n sure that neither of us could a d m i t it.

m o s t of it u p . ' 'Over a g r a n d a m o n t h ? '

I h a d a l w a y s a s s u m e d that things w o u l d c o m e to a head in

'Well - they nick b a c k m o s t of y o u r salary in a c c o m m o d a ­

one sweaty guilt-ridden frenzy, then we'd never be able to

tion a n d f o o d costs - even though they put you up in the

46

47

cellar a n d feed you on leftovers from the kitchen. But still

to trot after J a m e s a n d join up with him in A m e r i c a either.'

- I c a m e b a c k with m o r e than a t h o u s a n d . '

She l o o k e d at m e a n d b r o k e into a smile. 'I've a l w a y s

'Really?'

wanted to g o to India, you k n o w . '

'Plus w h a t I earned in the S o c k S h o p . '

'India?'

' Y o u rich b a s t a r d ! A n d have you taken m e out for one

'I've g o t s o m e savings. D o you w a n t to g o to India with

meal? H a v e you bought m e so m u c h as a lollipop?'

me? T h i s s u m m e r ? '

' L o o k - I'm saving it.'

'Are y o u serious?'

'What for?'

'I'm on for it if y o u are.'

'For the rest of my year out.'

'Does it have to be India? C o u l d n ' t we d o A u s t r a l i a ? '

'So y o u can travel?'

'I'm not w a s t i n g my money on that. It's India or nothing.'

'Exactly.'

I thought for less than one second, a vision p o p p i n g into

'But y o u just told me you didn't k n o w w h a t y o u were

my head of a s p a r t a n hotel r o o m with a m a r b l e floor, a ceiling fan, a n d Liz a n d me fucking like bunny rabbits on

g o i n g to d o . '

a huge d o u b l e bed.

'I don't.' 'But you k n o w you're g o i n g to travel.'

'All right,' I s a i d .

'Yeah. I s u p p o s e s o . '

'Shake on it.'

'What d o you m e a n , " Y o u s u p p o s e s o " ? Y o u ' r e acting like I'm p e r s u a d i n g you to g o a w a y against your will.'

We s h o o k on it. J u s t touching her h a n d like that turned m e on. Liz and

'No.'

I were going a b r o a d together for the w h o l e s u m m e r . Sharing

'So you d o w a n t to travel?'

hotel r o o m s . T h e r e w a s no w a y , given the circumstances,

'I think s o . '

that I could possibly fail to s h a g her.

'You think s o . '

She gripped my h a n d , and g a v e me one of her stares. 'As

'Well — I m e a n I want to. I definitely w a n t to. I'm not scared of it. But I d o n ' t . . . I don't w a n t to g o on my o w n , a n d I haven't really got my a r s e in gear yet, but everyone else has already left. S o I don't really k n o w w h a t to d o . ' 'I see. Right. B l o o d out of a stone or w h a t ? ' T h e r e w a s a silence, while L i z stared out over L o n d o n , thinking. 'I've got a long s u m m e r holiday, you k n o w , ' she s a i d . 'I b r e a k up in early J u n e . T h a t w o u l d give us three m o n t h s . ' 'Are y o u being serious?' 'Deadly serious. I don't w a n t to be left out of all this, just b e c a u s e I'm d o i n g an art foundation. A n d I'm not g o i n g 48

m a t e s , ' she said. 'It's only g o i n g to w o r k if that's absolutely clear.' 'Fine. A s m a t e s , ' I s a i d , leaning f o r w a r d to give her a peck on the cheek.

girls f r o m her c o u r s e , a n d there w a s n o s p a r e b e d r o o m , so I h a d to sleep on a few cushions on her floor. T h e r e w a s something deeply erotic a b o u t this. L y i n g there chatting,

The hot, wet gusset of James's boxer shorts

after we'd switched the lights out, felt a l m o s t like pillow talk. A serenely post-coital a t m o s p h e r e hung in the air, only marginally spoilt by the fact that I usually h a d a screaming hard-on. O n c e , we'd already been pillow-talking for s o m e time, when she told me that she h a d a stiff neck. 'Would you like a m a s s a g e ? ' I s a i d . 'Are you any g o o d ? '

Liz's d a d agreed to p a y for her ticket, on condition that he met me first. I w a s duly invited to her p a r e n t s ' h o u s e for

'All right,' I s a i d , m e a n i n g , 'Never done one before in my life, but I'll give it a g o . '

dinner, a l o n g with my m u m a n d d a d . T h i s turned out to

She turned r o u n d to lie on her front, a n d I climbed up

be one of the m o s t s t a g n a n t social o c c a s i o n s I h a d ever

to her bed, p u s h e d aside her duvet, a n d started squeezing

attended. If an alien h a d landed in the r o o m , he w o u l d

the b a c k of her neck.

have thought that h u m a n beings c o m m u n i c a t e by clanking

At first she lay there giving me all the r e a s o n s why she

cutlery together. Still, I seemed to fulfil whatever criteria

h a d a stiff neck that d a y , and telling me h o w J a m e s w a s

he h a d in mind, a n d he gave her the money.

an excellent m a s s e u r . She went on a n d on a b o u t him, so I

Liz a n d I started spending w h o l e days together, p o r i n g over

out h o w to d o it, I noticed that her speech slowed d o w n ,

m a p s , flipping through g u i d e b o o k s , and g r a d u a l l y p l a n n i n g

and the g a p s between her sentences g o t longer a n d longer,

a route. We w o u l d fly to Delhi, head north to the H i m a l a y a s ,

until the g a p s were winning.

switched off a n d s t o p p e d listening. A s I g r a d u a l l y figured

d o a little l o o p into R a j a s t h a n , then head south to B o m b a y ,

T h e n she started m a k i n g these noises. I don't think I can

G o a , a n d right d o w n to K e r a l a at the very b o t t o m . After

actually call them m o a n s . T h a t w o u l d be overstating things.

that we'd g o b a c k up the other side from M a d r a s to C a l ­

T h e y didn't quite qualify as m o a n s , a n d they weren't exactly

cutta, a c r o s s to V a r a n a s i , north to K a t h m a n d u , then b a c k

sighs - they were kind of h u m s - p l u s - a - b i t .

to Delhi to fly h o m e . T h e middle of the country is apparently

S o o n I wasn't just doing her neck; I w a s d o i n g her

really b o r i n g - j u s t l o a d s of p e o p l e g r o w i n g f o o d a n d getting

shoulders a n d the t o p of her b a c k . T h e n I started catching

hot, s o d o i n g a l o o p a r o u n d the edge w a s the best route to

my fingers in the neck of her T-shirt - trying to give the

a v o i d missing anything.

impression that it w a s getting in the w a y a n d m a k i n g a real

A lot of these p l a n n i n g sessions went on late into the

m a s s a g e impossible.

night, a n d I occasionally slept at her place. T h i s w a s a

It w a s an o d d scene, really. T h e r e I w a s , dressed only in

c r a m p e d student h o u s e which she shared with three other

a pair of b o x e r shorts, sitting astride her, m a s s a g i n g her

5°

5i

b a c k , while she h u m m e d - p l u s - a - b i t , and every few minutes

Slowly, her hips rose a fraction from the m a t t r e s s . I

told me what g o o d m a t e s we were, a n d h o w m u c h she

followed the invitation, a n d found my fingers in the hot,

loved J a m e s .

wet gusset of J a m e s ' s b o x e r shorts. After this, I just held

I b e g a n to inch her T-shirt u p w a r d s until it w a s gathered

firm a n d watched. I hardly needed to m o v e . H e r hips rocked

a r o u n d her a r m p i t s . Under cover of d o i n g an u p p e r - a r m ,

b a c k a n d f o r w a r d s over my hand, g r a d u a l l y faster and

f o r e a r m a n d hand m a s s a g e , I straightened her a r m s out

harder, until she m a d e this funny s q u e a k y noise, h a d a little

a b o v e her head. T h e n , in a gentle s w o o p , the T-shirt c a m e

shudder, then p u s h e d my h a n d a w a y , rolled over a n d fell

over her h e a d , d o w n her a r m s , a n d on to the floor.

asleep.

Whoosh!

Instead of g o i n g b a c k to my bed, I curled up behind her

I s m o o t h e d her hair b a c k in p l a c e , a n d l o o k e d at her

a n d tried to d o z e off, with my erection p r e s s e d firmly into her b u m .

back. H e r long, sweeping, elegant, g o r g e o u s b a c k . N o w , without the T-shirt in the w a y , I could sweep, slide a n d rub in long, easy, u n i m p e d e d m o v e m e n t s . She s t o p p e d talking, a n d the h u m s - p l u s - a - b i t turned into

In the m o r n i n g I w a s the first to w a k e u p , so I crawled to my bed and w o k e up a g a i n there, in order to d o my bit for the illusion that nothing h a d h a p p e n e d . H a v i n g done that, I went d o w n s t a i r s , m a d e two b r e a k f a s t s , a n d t o o k them b a c k to the b e d r o o m . I balanced the tray on Liz's-

moans. At the side of her b a c k , I could feel the bulge of her tits. T h e y were right there, uncovered, pressed into the sheet. A n d I w a s right there with them.

clock-radio, a n d got into bed with her. She w a s still half; asleep, but h a d s o m e h o w conveniently put her T-shirt on,

1

T o g e t h e r we c h o m p e d through our cereal a n d t o a s t like

After a while, I m o v e d d o w n a n d started on her legs. O n

t w o g o o d m a t e s w h o just h a p p e n e d to be having a com­

the w a y p a s t , I noticed that all she w a s w e a r i n g w a s a pair

p a n i o n a b l e b r e a k f a s t on the s a m e m a t t r e s s . Neither of us

of men's b o x e r shorts.

mentioned what h a d h a p p e n e d , even though with every

N o w she w a s definitely m o a n i n g . U p a n d d o w n I went, over her whole b o d y , my h a n d s subtly slipping into the

mouthful I t o o k , I noticed a thrillingly salty o d o u r on my fingers.

pant area on the w a y p a s t . O n e of these little e x p l o r a t i o n s flipped over the elastic on her b o x e r shorts, revealing, of

Later that week, Liz a n d I bought our tickets. We w o u l d

all things, a n a m e - t a g . In the half-light bleeding through

leave immediately after the end of her term, and return

the curtains f r o m a street l a m p , I could just m a k e out the

a l m o s t three m o n t h s later, just in time for me to start

w o r d s . ' J A M E S I R V I N G ' , it said.

university.

I s n a p p e d the elastic b a c k into place. G r a d u a l l y , I started focusing my attention on her thighs, then on the inside of her thighs, then on the t o p of the inside of her thighs. In a series of tiny a d j u s t m e n t s , her legs p a r t e d , a c c o m m o d a t i n g my h a n d .

52.

'Why?' 'As a gesture.' 'For fuck's s a k e ! A gesture of w h a t ? '

Not now having sex

'Fidelity, of c o u r s e . ' ' O h , right.' ' Y o u ' d better pull out.' 'All right.' ' N O T Y E T , y o u idiot.' 'Oh, O K . ' I wiggled my dick a r o u n d a bit, until it started to tingle, then pulled out.

After a while, sleep-overs with m a s s a g e b e c a m e a regular

'Will you t o s s m e off ?'

occurrence. T h e m a s s a g e technique g r a d u a l l y developed

'No!'

until it involved both of us stripping d o w n to our p a n t s

' G o on. Please.'

a n d r u b b i n g different bits of our bodies together.

'Why should I?'

Since Liz never raised the topic of our burgeoning sexual relationship in conversation, I decided to play a l o n g with

'I've done you l o a d s of times, a n d you've never even touched me.'

her a n d let us continue with the illusion that we were two

She scowled, a n d reached under the duvet. H a v i n g s o m e ­

g o o d mates w h o just h a p p e n e d to have a fondness for

how found the only p a r t of my penis without any nerve

near-nude medicinal m a s s a g e . T h e healing properties of

endings, she tugged it until it ached. C r a d l i n g her h a n d , I

this m a s s a g e gradually f o u n d themselves focused m o r e and

s h o w e d her w h a t to d o , a n d within s e c o n d s , I h a d squirted

m o r e on the genitals, at which point underwear b e c a m e a

on to her belly.

bigger inconvenience

than ever, a n d suddenly we were

naked.

It w a s , I feel I m u s t stress, only the semen of friendship. A f o r m of natural m a s s a g e oil, if y o u will. F o r there w a s

It is a well-known fact that if t w o p e o p l e lie in bed,

nothing sexual between Liz a n d me. Absolutely not. Further

without clothes, r u b b i n g each other's genitals together,

p r o o f of this can be found in the fact that she still refused

sooner or later, one genital will slot into the other.

to kiss me.

T h i s is what h a p p e n e d . A very a d v a n c e d f o r m of medi­ cinal m a s s a g e .

Afterwards we both went to sleep, p r o b a b l y m o r e out of tact than anything else. I knew she'd need time to decide

It w a s at this point that we chose to discuss contraception.

what to say. It w o u l d n o w be very h a r d indeed for her to

' Y o u ' r e on the Pill, aren't y o u ? '

deny that s o m e t h i n g h a d happened. With any luck, we'd

'No. I stopped.'

w a k e u p the next m o r n i n g , have a b a d - b r e a t h kiss a n d

' H a v e you got any c o n d o m s ? '

officially n a m e ourselves lovers.

' N o . I threw my s p a r e s a w a y . '

54

55

T h e second L i z opened her eyes, she leaped o u t o f bed. I

that he could screw a r o u n d in A s i a without feeling b a d . It

followed her d o w n s t a i r s , a n d w e h a d breakfast in silence

serves him right.'

until I p o p p e d the big question.

'I don't believe y o u . I don't k n o w why we're even dis­

'Liz? W h y won't y o u kiss m e ? '

cussing this. Y o u ' r e just s o naive that I don't k n o w where

She carried on eating, staring into her cereal bowl a n d

to start. Y o u don't seem to k n o w anything. A n d I'm not

chewing slowly while she decided on a n answer. 'Isn't it o b v i o u s ? ' she m u m b l e d . 'In the circumstances, nothing seems very o b v i o u s at all.'

just a piece of meat that y o u t w o can trade between y o u . ' 'We're the ones that are being traded. Y o u ' v e traded him in for me.'

'I don't love you,' she said.

' N o I haven't.'

'So?'

'Of course y o u have.'

'What d o y o u mean, " s o " ? ' 'I k n o w y o u don't love m e . I k n o w where we stand. It's

'I have not. If . . . if y o u feel that just because y o u have clawed a w a y a t m e , preying on the fact that y o u k n o w I

just that if we're going to . . . y o u k n o w . . . have s e x , then

miss J a m e s . . . a n d n o w that y o u have finally g o t s o m e

we might a s well try a n d enjoy it.'

pathetic piece of gratification for your efforts - if you think

'I love J a m e s . Doesn't that m e a n anything t o y o u ? '

this m e a n s y o u have taken J a m e s ' s p l a c e , then you've got

' N o t much. L o o k - it's ridiculous that y o u keep o n a b o u t

a lot to learn.'

him while you're d o i n g all this stuff with m e . I don't see

'Like w h a t ? '

why y o u can't just a c k n o w l e d g e what's g o i n g on - then, when he gets b a c k , we c a n all return t o n o r m a l . '

'Like . . . like . . . everything. Y o u don't seem to k n o w a single thing a b o u t h o w relationships w o r k . It's a s if you've

'Is that really what y o u w a n t ? '

never heard of h u m a n emotions. It's a s if y o u haven't even

'Of course.'

g o t the i m a g i n a t i o n to realize that w h a t h a p p e n s on the

'And y o u think things w o r k like that, d o y o u ? '

surface isn't a l w a y s the s u m total of . . . isn't a l w a y s the

'I don't see why not. W e could a l w a y s give it a g o . '

m o s t i m p o r t a n t thing.'

' Y o u a r e s o naive. I find it hard to believe that y o u can k n o w s o little a b o u t relationships. Y o u ' r e talking shit.' 'Why? W h a t w o u l d g o w r o n g ? Y o u think I wouldn't be able to let g o ? '

' O h , right. I see. I'm superficial b e c a u s e I think that having sex m e a n s something. A t last I u n d e r s t a n d . It's all my fault for m a k i n g the . . . the naive a s s u m p t i o n that because y o u a r e n o w having sex with m e instead of

'Yes.'

J a m e s . . .'

'I'd be fine. If I've agreed in a d v a n c e , then I won't be able to c o m p l a i n , will I?'

'I a m not n o w having sex with y o u instead of J a m e s . L o o k - you've been g r o p i n g me for l o n g e n o u g h , a n d you've

'And there is the small matter of J a m e s . H a v e y o u never heard of a thing called jealousy ? I don't think he'd be exactly over the m o o n . '

finally got your w a y , a n d I hope you're satisfied, but n o w it's g o i n g to s t o p . ' 'Great. A n d I'm the superficial o n e . '

'I thought y o u agreed to have a n open relationship s o 56

'Yes.'

57

' L o o k . Even if you s t o p d o i n g it we both k n o w that y o u w a n t it. W e both k n o w that we've d o n e it.' 'I don't want it.'

'Oh, fuck off.' 'And I hope I've answered your question. T h a t ' s why I won't kiss you. B e c a u s e you're a fucking prick.'

' Y e a h , right. I forced y o u . ' ' Y o u did.' 'WHAT A R E YOU TALKING

ABOUT?'

' Y o u did. Y o u forced m e . Over a matter of weeks, y o u have gradually forced yourself o n m e . ' ' T h a t ' s bollocks.' 'It's true. I don't k n o w h o w y o u c a n deny it.' 'I didn't force it to h a p p e n . It just h a p p e n e d . A n d I didn't notice y o u resisting.' 'If I haven't been resisting, why didn't it h a p p e n straight away?' ' M a y b e / didn't w a n t it to h a p p e n . ' 'Yeah, that's likely. Y o u ' d s h a g anything.' 'You're really flattering yourself, here.' 'Anyway - we haven't h a d sex. T h e r e is a difference between w a n k i n g on to someone's belly and m a k i n g love.' 'It w a s your h a n d . ' ' M y hand w a s limp. Y o u were moving it for m e , if y o u don't remember.' 'And you've forgotten w h a t h a p p e n e d before that, have you?' 'Oh yeah - y o u d a b b e d your weenie at m e for a b o u t ten seconds. W o w . T h a t ' s what I call p a s s i o n . I've never h a d it s o g o o d . ' 'If you'd h a d s o m e c o n d o m s . . .' 'But I didn't. F o r precisely this reason.' 'If y o u hadn't been afraid that we were going to m a k e love, y o u wouldn't have h a d to throw them a w a y . ' 'We did not m a k e love, a n d we're never going to. If that's your idea of love-making, then you've h a d a very s a d life indeed.'

58

can't control everything, you k n o w . If w e try a n d plan anything else we're just going to kill the w h o l e thing d e a d . ' Given that I h a d used the w o r d 'planning' as a e u p h e m i s m

Nothing much

for sex (possibly a linguistic first), her answer w a s a very b a d sign. 'I'm fed up of planning,' she said, r a m m i n g the m e s s a g e home. 'We've decided what we're going t o d o , a n d w e should just leave the rest until we get there. Y o u ' r e far t o o anal - you k n o w that? Y o u can't decide everything in a d v a n c e for y o u r w h o l e life.' I didn't k n o w w h a t to say. T h i s is it, I thought to myself.

It w a s a week before I s u m m o n e d the c o u r a g e to give her a ring.

I've blown it, a n d w e haven't even got to India yet. ' L o o k - I've g o t to get on,' she said.

'Hi,' I said. 'It's me.'

'OK.'

'Hi.'

'Bye.'

'What are you up t o ? '

Click.

' N o t h i n g much.'

'Bye.'

'Shall I c o m e over?'

She put the p h o n e d o w n before I even said 'bye'.

' N o . I'm busy.' 'I thought you said you were doing nothing m u c h . '

T h e r e were only three d a y s left before o u r d e p a r t u r e . In

'Yes - but I'm a b o u t to d o something, aren't I?'

that time, we didn't s p e a k .

'What?' ' N o n e of your business.' 'Fair enough.' T h e r e w a s an a w k w a r d silence. 'Shall I c o m e over later?' ' N o — I told you. I'm busy.' 'But I'm not allowed to a s k w h a t you're d o i n g ? ' ' L o o k - I've got a lot of w o r k to catch up on. I don't w a n t to fail my course, you k n o w . ' 'What a b o u t after that, though? Shouldn't w e d o a bit m o r e planning?' 'Don't be ridiculous. W e already k n o w exactly where we're going. We've decided as m u c h as we can decide. Y o u

60

PART T W O

What do backpackers do all day?

The Book

O n our first full day in Delhi we went to the R e d Fort, which w a s e n o r m o u s and impressive but fundamentally a bit boring. A guy just outside w a s selling floppy hats with a brim all the way r o u n d , w e a r i n g a huge pile of them on his head a s a crowd-pulling technique.

The

sight of him m a d e me realize that I felt as if s o m e o n e had been d r o p p i n g bricks on my head. I needed one of those hats. 'Hello, friend. Y o u buy hat?' ' H o w much?' 'Best price.' ' H o w much?' 'What you like.' 'What / like?' ' Y o u give price.' ' H o w much are they normally?' ' Y o u give price, friend. Any price - cheap price.' 'Um . . . fifty rupees?' T h i s w a s just under two quid, which seemed reasonable to me, but the instant I said it he plonked a hat on my head and waited for me to p a y . I'd obviously offered far too much, but I didn't really see how I could g o a b o u t changing my mind, so I gave him the cash.

65

Liz, pretending that she hadn't seen what h a p p e n e d ,

ended up spectating on twenty-minute a r g u m e n t s in both

a s k e d me what I had p a i d a n d laughed in my face. I said I

directions. At regular intervals, either Liz or the driver

didn't care, a n d thought it w a s a perfectly fair price for

marched off in a huff, and when it w a s Liz's turn, I felt

what I h a d got, since it w a s a very cool hat.

h o n o u r - b o u n d to follow her.

'Haven't you noticed that every other Westerner in the

Liz m a n a g e d to get the trip for fifteen g o i n g a n d twenty

city is wearing one? Y o u might a s well walk a r o u n d carrying

c o m i n g b a c k , both of which she considered to be significant

a p l a c a r d saying " T o u r i s t " . '

m o r a l victories. H u d d l e d in the b a c k of the noisy, stinking

I l o o k e d a r o u n d to see if what she h a d said w a s true. A g r o u p of thirty middle-aged E u r o p e a n s with a tour guide

rickshaw, I could tell that she expected s o m e kind of a p p r o v a l for her l a b o u r s .

emerged f r o m the fort. M o r e than half of them were wearing

'Well done, L i z . '

my hat.

'Thanks.'

'Where's your tour guide, D a v e ? Aren't you going to join

' Y o u saved us at least 15P there. T h a t ' s a l m o s t

8p

each.'

your friends?' ' L o o k - this isn't a fashion p a r a d e , Liz. It feels comfort­ able, s o I'm h a p p y . If y o u w a n t to get sunstroke just so you

'Will you s t o p acting like such a spoilt Westerner? We're in India, now.' 'So?'

don't look like a tourist, that's your p r o b l e m . ' 'I a m going to buy a hat. I just might not buy it from the

'So you have to haggle. It's part of life.'

first guy I see in front of the biggest tourist spot in the

' Y o u don't have to. S t u m p up a few extra pennies, and

capital city. Personally, I'd rather be just that little bit

you don't need to s t a n d in the m i d d a y sun s c r e a m i n g your

unobtrusive.'

head off like s o m e d e r a n g e d m e m s a h i b . '

' G r e a t idea. A hat's really going to d o the trick. What else are you going to d o ? Put shoe polish on your face?' 'Racist.'

'It's not a b o u t that, and you k n o w it.' 'What is it a b o u t , then?' ' L o o k - if you just take the first price they offer, you

I wished I hadn't bought the hat n o w , but thanks to the a r g u m e n t I'd have to wear it all the time, just to s h o w that she hadn't changed my mind.

l o o k stupid. T h e y laugh at you behind your b a c k . ' 'So? W h o cares?' 'And if Westerners g o around paying d o u b l e for every­

I did wonder how much everyone else h a d p a i d for it,

thing, it gives us a b a d reputation. It sets a b a d e x a m p l e . It m a k e s us all l o o k spoilt, a n d far richer than we really

though.

are.' J e r e m y h a d told us that the rickshaw to and f r o m the fort shouldn't cost m o r e than ten rupees each way

(roughly

thirty pence). O u r a t t e m p t s to get this price were met by the rickshaw drivers with derision. Liz m a n a g e d to r e s p o n d to their prices with equal, if not greater derision, and I

66

'But we are rich. T e n rupees is nothing. It doesn't matter if we pay double.' ' T h a t ' s not the point. If we did that, it w o u l d completely upset the local economy.' ' O h , right. I see. It's like the b e g g a r s all over again. T h e r e

67

I w a s , thinking you were being tight-fisted, a n d it turns out

I found one a n d put it in the child's h a n d as we pulled

you're selflessly d o i n g battle for the g o o d of the local

a w a y . H i s wrist w a s k n o c k e d by the r i c k s h a w , and I s a w

economy.'

the coin fly out.

'I'm getting very bored of this p s e u d o - w o r l d l y s a r c a s m

Spinning round to l o o k out of the b a c k , I s a w the child

c r a p , D a v e . It's got nothing to d o with being tight-fisted.

on his knees in the middle of the r o a d , oblivious to the

I'm just not going to let those people m a k e me l o o k like

traffic which w a s hooting a n d swerving, inches a w a y from

an idiot.'

s m a s h i n g into him. A s he receded into the distance, I s a w

'And you l o o k e d really sensible giving yourself a h a e m o r ­

the other b e g g a r join the search of the T a r m a c , and the beginnings of a scuffle when one of them picked up the

rhage over twenty pence.'

coin.

' O h , s o d off.' W e were s t o p p e d at a junction by a traffic p o l i c e m a n , and

B a c k at the hotel, J e r e m y w a s sitting on the v e r a n d a ,

a pair of child b e g g a r s t a p p e d on the side of the rickshaw,

reading.

then stuck their heads pleadingly inside. Liz fished a r o u n d

' Y o u m a d e it?' he said.

in her money belt for coins, p r e s u m a b l y to d e m o n s t r a t e

'Just a b o u t , ' I answered.

that she wasn't stingy. Both myself a n d the b e g g a r watched

' H o w much did you pay for the r i c k s h a w ? ' he said.

her fiddle with the money belt, which n o w contained a w a d

Liz j u m p e d in before I could answer. 'Fifteen.'

of notes a l m o s t half an inch thick. I s a w the child's eyes

'And twenty on the way b a c k , ' I said. ' N o t b a d , ' said J e r e m y . 'Bit more practice a n d you'll be

widen with a w e .

there.'

'I haven't got any coins,' said Liz. The

rickshaw driver revved his engine.

Liz

flicked

through her b a n k n o t e s , frantically searching for a low

'What are you reading?' said Liz. ' T h e Gita,' he s a i d , holding u p a c o p y o f the Bhagavad

Gita.

denomination.

' O h , wow,' said L i z .

' C a n you give him something?'

'Is it any g o o d ? ' I said.

'I t h o u g h t . . .' impressive

H e g a v e me a patronizing look. ' G o o d ? T h i s is the Gita

v e n o m . H e r fuse h a d obviously been considerably shortened

we're talking a b o u t , here. I m e a n , is the bible any " g o o d " ? '

by her a r g u m e n t s with the rickshaw men. A n d by her lack

H e m a d e the inverted c o m m a s with his fingers.

'DON'T

START,'

she

s n a p p e d , with

' D u n n o . I've never read it. I expect it's got a few g o o d

of a hat. J u s t then, the driver turned and swore at the b e g g a r in Hindi. T h e beggar ignored him, sensing that he w a s close

bits.' H e turned t o L i z , ostentatiously a d d r e s s i n g his c o m m e n t s a w a y f r o m me.

to getting s o m e money. T h e driver carried on shouting at the child while I fished in my pocket for a coin. J u s t a s the traffic began to m o v e , 68

'It is the b o o k . It explains everything you need to k n o w a b o u t India. Y o u can't c o m e here a n d not r e a d it.'

69

'I thought the Lonely Planet w a s the b o o k . Is the Bhagavad Gita better than the Lonely Planet, then? A r e the prices

N O ! N o / - she couldn't a s k that. N o t J e r e m y . I couldn't face it. 'I'd love to,' he said.

more up-to-date?' T h e y both ignored m e .

Noooo.

' C a n I b o r r o w it after you've finished?' said L i z .

'But I can't.' 'Why not?' said L i z . 'I thought y o u could g o where the

H e chuckled. 'You never finish the Bhagavad Gita. I've been through it m o r e times than I c a n remember. H e r e . ' H e closed the b o o k , a n d threw it to her. It wasn't a very g o o d t h r o w ,

feeling t o o k y o u . ' 'Nice one. I just can't. I'm stuck here, waiting for s o m e money to c o m e through.'

but she m a n a g e d to catch it, a n d l o o k e d at him, slightly

'Waiting for s o m e money to c o m e t h r o u g h ? ' I said.

bewildered. H e smiled b a c k . ' F r o m me,' he said. 'Call it an

'Yeah. I've run o u t . '

introductory gift. T o India.' H e p u t his a r m s behind his

'Where's it c o m i n g from?' I said.

head, leaned b a c k in his chair, a n d stared at the ceiling.

'Home.'

' M a y b e , if you feel like it, at s o m e point you'll give m e one

'How come? F r o m who?'

of your b o o k s . '

'Parents.'

In return for his s i x t y - p a g e , d o g - e a r e d copy of the Bhaga­ vad Gita, he g o t a fresh, unread Oscar and

Lucinda.

I couldn't s t o p myself from laughing. T h a t ' s the life, I thought. M u m m y a n d d a d d y cabling y o u money whenever you ran out.

'We've decided what to d o , ' said Liz.

'What?' he said. 'What's funny?'

' O h ? ' said J e r e m y .

'Nothing.'

'We're going to stick to o u r original p l a n . It's just t o o

'What are y o u laughing a t ? '

hot d o w n here, a n d the m o n s o o n ' s on the w a y , s o we're

'Nothing.

going to head for the m o u n t a i n s . W e reckon Simla's a g o o d

'You were laughing. I want to k n o w w h a t y o u were

A m I laughing? Is this a laugh?'

laughing at.'

place for a first s t o p . ' 'Simla?'

' J u s t . . . you k n o w . '

'D'you reckon that s o u n d s like a g o o d idea?'

' N o , I don't k n o w . '

' Y o u ' v e g o t to d o w h a t feels right for y o u , L i z . I can't

' J u s t - it's funny that your parents send y o u money.' 'Why?'

tell y o u where to g o . ' 'What — is there something w r o n g with Simla?' ' G o where the feeling takes y o u , Liz. T h a t ' s w h a t you're here for. There's no right or w r o n g . ' 'I didn't mean that. I only . . .'

'It just is.' I s m i r k e d . I'd really g o t under his skin n o w . 'I just - you k n o w - t o o k y o u for s o m e o n e a bit older, that's all.' H e s t o o d u p , throwing Oscar and Lucinda ground.

' J u s t g o . Chill out.' 'D'you w a n t to . . . c o m e with u s ? '

70

'What d o y o u m e a n by that?'

71

on to the

'Nothing.' T h e a t m o s p h e r e thickened as we stared at each other, neither of us speaking. 'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I shouldn't have laughed. I m e a n -

A sadist's zero-gravity chamber

just because I earned the money to c o m e here doesn't m a k e me any better than you. A n d it wasn't really a surprise a n y w a y . I shouldn't have laughed. It w a s o b v i o u s from when you first opened your m o u t h that you were a toff. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed.' H e w a s really pissed off n o w . 'I a m not a toff.' ' N o - sorry. W r o n g w o r d . '

Liz s h o w e d J e r e m y our bus tickets to Simla. H e kindly

'And I did earn the money to c o m e here. M y parents just

pointed out that seats 52 and 53 were going to be at the

h a p p e n to be sending me a t o p - u p . ' 'Right. Exactly. I'm leaping to conclusions.'

b a c k , and that it's b a s i c k n o w l e d g e to m a k e sure that you get a seat near the front if you don't w a n t to have your

'And I a m not a toff.'

spine shattered by the b u m p s in the r o a d . H e also mentioned

'Sorry. T o u c h y subject.'

that our tickets said ' L u x u r y V T ' on them, which meant

H e w a s twitching with r a g e .

that the bus h a d a video and we w o u l d be deafened by

'People like you . . . p e o p l e . . . it's your kind of . . . of

Hindi musicals for the entire journey, which, he gleefully

. . . obsession

with class that . . . that really . . . it's so

a d d e d , t o o k at least fourteen hours.

juvenile, and s o English. Y o u ' r e just so fucking English it

' H o w long were you queuing?' he said.

m a k e s me sick. Y o u ' r e n a r r o w - m i n d e d , a n d pathetic - and

We both scowled at him.

you don't k n o w anything a b o u t me. S o bugger off.'

' T w o hours,' said L i z .

' Y o u ' r e right. Let's get to k n o w each other better, shall we? L i k e - what school did you g o t o ? ' 'I bet you went to private school, too.' ' M a y b e I did, but that doesn't m a k e me a toff.' 'I a m NOT

a . . . a b l o o d y . . .' If he hadn't been a w i m p ,

he w o u l d have hit me. I s a w it cross his mind. Instead he

' Y o u should have g o t the hotel to send a boy for you,' said J e r e m y . ' D o they really d o that?' said Liz. 'Of course - costs a few rupees, but it saves you a day. O h well - live a n d learn.' M o r e than ever, I w a n t e d to pull out J e r e m y ' s toenails.

t o o k a few deep breaths, picked up his b o o k , and s t o r m e d off into the hotel. In the d o o r w a y , he turned r o u n d and

It turned out that the stuff a b o u t shattering your spine

shouted at me, 'I hope you . . . I hope you . . . get m a l a r i a . '

wasn't just a turn of p h r a s e . T h e rear wheels of the bus were roughly half-way d o w n the chassis, turning the b a c k fifteen r o w s into a pivot which magnified the slightest b u m p

73

in what w a s already a staggeringly uneven r o a d . A s a result,

bush that wasn't there until they j u m p e d out f r o m behind

we travelled in a kind of sadist's zero-gravity c h a m b e r ,

it a n d start shooting at the hero, w h o hides behind a small

where you spent half the time floating in mid air a n d the

w o o d e n b o x . Eventually, he c o m e s out, holding a white

other half having your arse s p a n k e d by the seat.

handkerchief, but when the ugly m a n in black c o m e s to

It w a s the first time I h a d got close to a local for any

gloat (which he d o e s in song) the hero trips him u p , steals

length of time, and it struck me that all the stuff a b o u t

his gun, a n d s h o o t s all the fifty men in black w h o j u m p e d

Indians accepting their fate w a s true. T h e guy next to me

out from behind the magically a p p e a r i n g bush.

didn't even seem to notice h o w u n c o m f o r t a b l e the b u s w a s .

T h e father, w h o s e petrol seems to have dried off, frees

Occasionally, if we'd just floated to the ceiling a n d then

himself from the chair and has a comedy fight with a fat

been given a triple-whack which w a s h a r d enough to send all

m a n w h o a p p e a r s to serve no p u r p o s e . T h e sexy girl points

five of us on to the floor, he w o u l d give me an isn't-this-f unny

o u t to the hero that the ugly girl is e s c a p i n g through the

grin, but other than that, he just stared out of the w i n d o w ,

desert just as the father defeats the fat m a n by putting a

seemingly content that he w a s being simultaneously p a r a ­

bucket on his head. T h e hero, the father and the sexy girl

lysed a n d castrated.

then all sing a s o n g in which the father seems to give his

T h e one a d v a n t a g e of being at the b a c k w a s that you

blessing to their m a r r i a g e . M e a n w h i l e , the ugly girl on the

were further a w a y from the Hindi musicals playing at the

horizon shakes her fist, and says something which can only

front of the bus. In the course of the trip, the s a m e film

be a vow of revenge. A few seconds later, just as she is on

w a s played four times, and although I could only see the

the point of dying of thirst, she c o m e s a c r o s s a lonely hut

screen when I w a s in mid air, by the end of the journey I'd

on top of a s a n d - d u n e . She k n o c k s on the d o o r a n d is

w a t c h e d m o s t of the film piecemeal, a n d could just a b o u t

w e l c o m e d by a m a n w h o tries to seduce her (in song). She

follow the story.

is unimpressed by his a d v a n c e s until she notices that in the

A s far as I could tell it w a s a b o u t a guy w h o w a n t s to

corner of the r o o m is a mini-laboratory, containing what

marry a sexy girl, but his p a r e n t s w a n t him to m a r r y an

a p p e a r s to be a half-finished nuclear b o m b . T o g e t h e r they

ugly girl. J u s t when he's a b o u t to m a r r y the ugly girl, he

hatch a p l a n .

discovers that the sexy girl has been k i d n a p p e d by an ugly

After that, the plot b e c a m e a bit t o o difficult to follow.

m a n w h o wears black leather and scowls at the c a m e r a .

A s far as I could tell, in the end the sexy people married

T h e hero rushes out on a horse in search of the k i d n a p p e d

each other, the ugly p e o p l e g o t blown u p , a n d the fat p e o p l e

sexy girl, and has a p u n c h - u p in the desert with the ugly

ended up with buckets on their head.

m a n . H e ' s a b o u t to save the sexy girl when it emerges that

N o w that's what I call quality entertainment.

the ugly girl is in c a h o o t s with the ugly m a n , and she has s o m e h o w tied the father to a chair in the s a n d a n d is in the

T h e journey included plenty of stops where everyone got

p r o c e s s of p o u r i n g petrol all over him. T h e ugly girl pulls

out a n d d r a n k glasses of tea which w a s sweeter than C o k e ,

out a b o x of matches, and they all p a u s e to sing a song.

and only marginally less milky than milk. At first it m a d e

J u s t then, fifty blokes in black j u m p out f r o m behind a

me g a g , but as the trip p r o g r e s s e d I gradually got into it as

74

75

a drink. T h e secret w a s to avoid thinking of it as tea. As

'It's nice. K i n d of like yoghurt.'

long as you p e r s u a d e d yourself that it w a s a w a r m e d - u p

'Bloody hell - I'm not touching that.'

soft drink, the taste w a s O K . A n d it gave you e n o u g h of

'Please yourself.'

a s u g a r rush to restore your will to live after several hours

She ate the w h o l e of hers, swearing that it w a s delicious,

of a r s e - s p a n k i n g .

but I thought she w a s m a d . After all, yoghurt's basically

T h e r e w a s only one other Westerner on the b u s , a n d

off milk, isn't it? It's insane to put all that effort into an

despite the fact that he h a d the best seat, right at the front,

a g a i n s t - t h e - o d d s struggle to avoid eating disease-infested

he seemed distinctly miserable. Every time we s t o p p e d , he

f o o d , a n d then deliberately shovel rancid dairy p r o d u c t s

w a s the first one out of the b u s , hitting the g r o u n d at a

into your m o u t h . N o way.

sprint, a n d d a s h i n g off, clutching a loo roll. Liz struck up a conversation with him at one of the s t o p s ,

T h e rest of the journey t o o k twice as long as I h a d expected, a n d if it hadn't been for the fact that r a n d o m

but when I noticed that his shirt w a s flecked with vomit I

people kept on a p p e a r i n g out of nowhere

decided to steer clear. It turned out that he w a s Belgian

b a n a n a s and nuts through the w i n d o w , I w o u l d

and h a d b l oo d in his stool, so we both a v o i d e d him after

starved.

that. We discovered that lunch w a s included in the price of the ticket when s o m e o n e p l o n k e d a c a r d b o a r d tray filled with unidentifiable b l o b s of curry on our laps. I waited for Liz to try each blob before I h a d a g o , but I only really trusted the yellow b l o b , which I could tell w a s m a d e of lentils. In one corner w a s a tub of unidentifiable white stuff which h a d set into a firmish l u m p with a s m o o t h surface. T h e guy on my left s a w me p o k e at it and s a i d , ' C r r d ' . 'What?' 'Crrd.' 'I don't understand.' ' C r r d . ' H e t o o k a spoonful. 'Very g o o d . ' 'Liz, what's crrd?' 'It's that white stuff.' 'I k n o w , but what is it?' 'I don't k n o w . ' 'Are you going to try it?' 'Don't see why not.' She tasted a large floppy l u m p .

76

and

selling have

W o r s t of all were the k i d s , w h o s w a r m e d a r o u n d you asking what y o u r n a m e w a s , or for a pen, or sometimes for money. T h e y j u m p e d at you constantly, a m b u s h i n g you

A few strategic apologies

just when you were least expecting it, s c r e a m i n g questions at you, and w a v i n g their grubby little fingers t o w a r d s you in the hope that you'd give them a h a n d s h a k e . T h e kids were usually s o dirty I hated having to touch them, but they'd never g o a w a y until you h a d at least patted them on the head. Liz seemed to enjoy being m o b b e d by lice-infested street urchins and often s q u a t t e d d o w n to talk or play with them,

By the time we got to S i m l a , I'd eaten so m a n y b a n a n a s

while I hovered at a safe distance. A s far as I could tell, she

that I already had the shits, despite the fact that I'd only

had no understanding whatsoever of the m e a n s by which

eaten t w o curries s o far on the entire trip.

disease is transmitted. Either that or she fancied herself as

Liz found it hilarious that I'd given myself a bad t u m m y

a Mother Teresa.

by a v o i d i n g curry, which I took a s a s y m p t o m of the

M y p e r s o n a l s p a c e w a s s o perpetually invaded by the

worsening vibe that seemed to be developing between us.

children, the salesmen and the general c r o w d s that I realized

O n c e , on the b u s , I tried to clear the air by venting my

I either had to give up on the idea of having one, or e m b a r k

anger over the fact that she h a d invited J e r e m y to c o m e

on a nervous b r e a k d o w n . F o r the time being, it seemed as

with us, but it didn't really w o r k . She just got all het u p ,

if the latter w a s the easier option, a n d every morning I

a n d ranted on a b o u t how we didn't o w n the b u s , a n d we

w o k e up feeling mildly sick at the thought that there w a s

didn't o w n S i m l a , and it w a s always nice to travel with a

only b r e a k f a s t between my bed and the outside world.

bit of c o m p a n y . I couldn't help feeling as if this m e a n t that

I found myself staring at other travellers, to try and tell

I didn't count as c o m p a n y any m o r e , which a l s o seemed

whether they were genuinely having a g o o d time or were

like a b a d sign.

only pretending. S o m e of them were quite blatantly having a shit time, but if I spotted a g r o u p w h o l o o k e d h a p p y , I

Simla w a s reasonably nice, a n d we spent a few d a y s wander­

found myself w a t c h i n g them intently and e a v e s d r o p p i n g

ing a r o u n d , looking at each of the sights mentioned in T h e

on them, to try a n d figure out how they could possibly be

B o o k . Even though there were far fewer b e g g a r s than in

having fun.

Delhi, a n d we generally got hassled far less, I still couldn't

I failed to see how anyone could enjoy being in India.

get rid of the feeling that I w a s shit-scared of everyone and

H o w did they d o it? W h a t w a s w r o n g with them? O r w a s

everything. Even p e o p l e w h o weren't shouting at us to buy

I simply weak-willed and over-sensitive? M a y b e I'd been

or sell things frightened me. J u s t that I ' m - p o o r - a n d - y o u ' r e -

right in thinking that I w a s t o o much of a c o w a r d to deal

rich l o o k in their eyes m a d e me feel depressed and guilty.

with the T h i r d W o r l d . Perhaps I should have been honest

78

79

with myself, a n d spent the money on a month in B e n i d o r m ?

J e r e m y ' s r e c o m m e n d a t i o n for a peaceful out-of-town hotel

I decided to try and cheer myself up by sending a couple

called the R a i n b o w L o d g e a n d headed there on foot, follow­

of p o s t c a r d s h o m e .

ing an impossible-to-follow m a p in T h e B o o k .

Dear Mum & Dad,

various hotels w h o tried to d r a g us off in different directions

W e arrived safely a few days ago and are already up in the mountains. As you can see from the front, Simla is in an amazing setting, right up in the mountains, with bizarre English-looking houses and even a church! There's incredible poverty everywhere, but I think I might be getting used to it. I'm staying in the Y M C A , where there's a full-size snooker table with a little ivory plaque on the side commemorating Major Thompson, who got a break of 109 here in 1902. Hope you're well.

a n d refused to direct us to the one we w a n t e d , insisting

We were a c c o m p a n i e d m o s t of the w a y by touts from

love, Dave Dear Grandad, Greetings from India! It's really hot here, but I'm having an amazing time. Haven't been here long, but I can already tell what an amazing country it is. The roads are really bad, though. Hope you're well. love, Dave

that the R a i n b o w L o d g e w a s overpriced a n d dirty, and begging us to t a k e a quick look at their hotel. They were s o insistent that you h a d to hate them, while at the s a m e time feeling guilty b e c a u s e they all l o o k e d p i s s - p o o r , and their hotels p r o b a b l y weren't a n y w o r s e than the R a i n b o w L o d g e , and it w o u l d n ' t have been very difficult to g o five minutes out of our w a y to at least have a glance. Still, if you went a r o u n d caving in to all the p r e s s u r e you'd g o m a d . Y o u have to stand firm a n d d o w h a t you want. If you show any w e a k n e s s or sympathy, they'll fuck you over. By the time we found the hotel, we were both feeling stressed a n d k n a c k e r e d . Still, at least we'd seen the t o w n , which m e a n t we'd got all the t o u r i s m d o n e in a d v a n c e , and could settle in for s o m e serious puffing. By all accounts, this w a s the best hotel in M a n a l i for d o p e , and having

I could tell that Liz w a s as m i s e r a b l e as me, but neither

taken a r o o m , we installed ourselves excitedly on the

of us wanted to talk a b o u t it, so we soldiered on, trying to

v e r a n d a . Within seconds, a joint h a d found its w a y into

enjoy S i m l a . After a few d a y s , we'd seen all the main things

our hands.

a n d felt that w e had recovered enough from the previous

I sucked the s m o k e deeply into my lungs and held my

bus journey to e m b a r k on another o n e , this time taking us

breath, exhaling slowly through my nose at the last possible

further up into the m o u n t a i n s to the small t o w n of M a n a l i .

m o m e n t . After a few d r a g s , I felt my anxiety begin to

Everyone w e met told us that M a n a l i w a s the p l a c e to be

fade.

— apparently, it w a s a kind of Goa-in-the-hills. T h i s w o u l d be a perfect place to relax a n d to give ourselves a little breathing s p a c e . S o far, everything h a d just been t o o hectic.

N o w this w a s m o r e like it. A peaceful p l a c e , s u r r o u n d e d by fields, with m o u n t a i n s to look at, and d r u g s to s m o k e . This m a d e sense. At last we had found a place where you could chill out and concentrate on enjoying yourself.

T h e m o u n t a i n s on the way to M a n a l i were spectacular,

Passing a joint between u s , for the first time since we h a d

but the t o w n itself l o o k e d grim at first sight. Still, we h a d

landed Liz and I smiled at each other.

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81

I didn't w a n t to scrounge t o o much d o p e , s o I a s k e d the guy next to me where I could buy s o m e . ' Y e a h , ' he smiled, 'that's right.' T h e n he n o d d e d wisely.

'I hope s o . ' 'Let's try a n d get o n , yeah?' 'OK.'

A few seconds later, he realized that he hadn't answered

'Both of us,' I s a i d , pointedly. I'd only really a p o l o g i z e d

m e yet a n d n o d d e d t o w a r d s the reception desk. 'Ronnie's

in the hope that it w o u l d m a k e her a p o l o g i z e . After all, she

y o u r m a i n m a n , ' he said, then he s l a p p e d me on the shoulder

w a s the one really acting the arsehole, not me.

affectionately a n d fell off his chair. At reception I asked if R o n n i e w a s a r o u n d . T h e reception­

'All right. We'll both try a n d be a bit nicer to each other, then.'

ist reached under the desk a n d pulled out a large lunch-box

T h a t didn't really qualify a s an a p o l o g y in my b o o k , but

with the n a m e R o n n i e a n d a h a p p y face painted on it, in

at least it c a m e with a genuine smile, s o after a brief

dribbly yellow paint.

consultation with my ever-swelling dick, I decided to accept

H e opened the b o x a n d p a s s e d me a cling-film w r a p p e r full of g r a s s .

it as a peace-offering. I reached out my h a n d a n d smiled b a c k .

'One hundred and fifty rupees,' he said, a n d I p a i d him. T h i s w a s fantastic! A b a g of real g r a s s , w o r t h a b o u t fifty quid in E n g l a n d , h a d set me b a c k less than a fiver. India, all of a s u d d e n , seemed like the m o s t civilized country on earth.

'Bygones?' I s a i d . 'Bygones.' She t o o k my h a n d . 'We're stuck with each other now, so we might as well m a k e a n effort,' I s a i d , giving her hand a little squeeze.

I went and got s o m e Rizlas from my b a c k p a c k . (The

'I think we can get on,' she said, squeezing back.

B o o k says you can't get R i z l a s in India, so we'd b r o u g h t

T h e joint went b a c k w a r d s and f o r w a r d s between us a

an industrial-sized family m e g a - p a c k of them.) J o i n i n g Liz

few times, with our h a n d s remaining interlocked. Veins in

a g a i n on the v e r a n d a , I skinned u p . N o w we were really smiling at each other. It struck

my drought-stricken groin started singing j o y o u s b l o o d w o r s h i p p i n g anthems.

m e , for the first time since leaving E n g l a n d , that I w a s in

While she s u c k e d out the last of the s m o k e , I reached

p o s s e s s i o n of a penis. I felt the beginnings of a rekindling

over a n d stroked the b a c k of her hand. We remained like

libido, a n d decided to e m b a r k on a few strategic a p o l o g i e s .

thjs for a g o o d while, staring in a m i c a b l e silence at the

'Liz - I'm sorry, you k n o w . '

staggeringly beautiful view of the H i m a l a y a s : lush foothills,

'About what?'

with every curve s h a p e d into a paddy-field, t o p p e d by

' J u s t . . . everything.'

e n o r m o u s snowy p e a k s . I h a d never seen anything

She smiled at me.

impressive.

'I've been — you k n o w — behaving like a bit of an arsehole. Everything's just freaked m e out,' I said. 'It's O K . '

so

Yes - at last - I w a s pleased to be in India. I could feel the knot of tension in my s t o m a c h beginning to loosen. Paul a n d J a m e s h a d been right a b o u t travel, after all. T h i s w a s an a m a z i n g experience. A n d the d o p e really w a s cheap.

' N o w we're here, I think things can calm d o w n a bit.' 83

82

'Shall I roll another?' I said, eventually.

T h r o u g h a haze of m o u n t i n g lust, I noticed that she kept

'Why not?'

her knickers on.

She blinked at me, slowly.

As w e s w a m p e d each other in m o r e kisses, I started trying

'Shall we have a s m o k e in the r o o m ? '

to discreetly r e m o v e her p a n t s without her noticing. In

'OK.'

r e s p o n s e , what h a d previously been an ' M m m m ' started

Still h a n d in hand, we shuffled inside.

turning itself into a 'Nnnn'. I h a d to try a n d hurry before

She sat on the bed, while I locked the d o o r a n d drew the

the 'o' c a m e along. M y attempt to y a n k the p a n t s over her

curtains. I slid on to the bed next to her, a n d we stared at

b u t t o c k s m a d e an o m i n o u s ripping s o u n d a n d b r o k e the

each other, half-smirks playing on our m o u t h s .

spell.

'Can't just sit here all day,' I said. 'I've got w o r k to d o . ' She raised an eyebrow at m e , a n d I a n s w e r e d her by plucking out a few R i z l a s . I licked and stuck them together, while Liz settled back a g a i n s t the h e a d b o a r d . With the joint c o m p l e t e d , I sat next to her, placed it in her hand and extended the lighter.

' N o , ' she s a i d . ' N o sex.' 'Why?' She kissed m e , even m o r e passionately than before. ' N o sex,' she repeated, p a u s i n g to wipe saliva f r o m her chin. 'Why?' I s a i d , d u r i n g the next p a u s e for breath.

'Would M a d a m e care to c o m m e n c e ? '

She answered me by turning me over on to my b a c k a n d

She grinned, and planted the joint droopily into the corner of her m o u t h . I lit it for her, enjoying the way her eyes n a r r o w e d when she inhaled. In a silence broken only

d i s a p p e a r i n g under the sheet. 'I love J a m e s , ' she said, then shut me u p by w r a p p i n g her m o u t h a r o u n d the end of my penis.

by the crackling weed, we p a s s e d the joint between us. I felt the world outside gradually recede a w a y to nothing, as

F o r the rest of the week we hardly left the R a i n b o w L o d g e ,

I concentrated on her face, her fingers a n d the s m o k e

and spent our d a y s s m o k i n g , eating, chatting, going for the

swirling out of her lips.

occasional w a n d e r a n d having a l m o s t - s e x .

When the tiny stub burned my fingers, I tossed it on to

For the first time, I actually liked India. T h e vibes with

the floor, placed my a r m a r o u n d Liz's neck a n d kissed her

Liz were on the m e n d , a n d all the hassles of travelling

deeply o n the m o u t h . I could taste every crease in her lips,

seemed much less intense a n d d e m o r a l i z i n g now that we

every twitch of her tongue. T h e difference between

had found a calm little enclave where we could p a s s the

the

hardness of her teeth a n d the softness of her m o u t h struck me as a miracle of evolution. F o r a while, our kiss b e c a m e the entire universe.

days. I also lost my aversion to Indian yoghurt when I w a s introduced to B h a n g L a s s i , which is a drink m a d e out of

T h e n she w a s taking off my shirt, and I w a s t a k i n g off

milk, yoghurt and hash. T h e superb thing w a s , you could

her shirt, and it occurred to us that we really weren't getting

order it f r o m the hotel staff, which c a m e in very handy

very far like that, a n d we leaped off the bed, stripped

when you were feeling too stoned to roll another joint. I

ourselves a n d h o p p e d back in.

didn't really like the taste, but b e c a m e fond of B h a n g L a s s i

84

85

a n y w a y , since the best w a y to relieve the b o r e d o m of constant d o p e - s m o k i n g is to drink it.

an A m e r i c a n hippie dressed in military fatigues, j u m p s in. 'India,' she s a y s , 'is a beautiful country, but let's face it, guys - it's ruined by the people. They're all obsessed with

T h e r e were l o a d s of other travellers h a n g i n g out at the hotel,

money. T h e y a l w a y s w a n t something off you. All they can

a n d b e c a u s e everyone shared joints it w a s an extremely

think a b o u t is selling a n d buying.'

sociable place. Y o u ended up talking to a w h o l e r a n g e of

' Y o u haven't scratched below the surface, m a n , ' says

p e o p l e , a n d m o s t of our evenings were spent in p l e a s a n t ,

Ing, a S c a n d i n a v i a n w h o has the build of a famine victim,

s e m i - c o m a t o s e c a r d - g a m e s which were d o m i n a t e d by the

but a l w a y s seems to be eating. (Intestinal w o r m , according

p a s s i n g of spliffs and the e x c h a n g e of ideas a b o u t travelling.

to Liz.) ' C o m m e r c e is simply a m o d e r n , kind of, thin sheet

I w a s mainly into the c a r d s a n d the d r u g s , while Liz t o o k

of plastic that has been w r a p p e d over the rich carpet of

to all the philosophizing with depressing enthusiasm.

India's history. I m e a n , this country has been invaded so

N o one ever seemed to get tired of talking a b o u t Indiaahh.

many times, but it has a l w a y s survived with its o w n culture

I didn't see what there w a s to theorize a b o u t , a n d h o w you

in place. C a p i t a l i s m is just the invader of t o d a y , and when

could possibly set a b o u t trying to explain a country, but

it is defeated like all the other armies, there will be left

everyone, it seemed, h a d a theory. L i z , predictably enough,

behind the s a m e spiritual p e o p l e w h o a l w a y s have lived

l a p p e d it all u p , and I could tell that my cynicism a b o u t

here.'

the w h o l e thing w a s beginning to get on her nerves. O n e guy, called J o n a h , h a d been travelling a l m o s t non­

'It's very cheap,' says Brian from N o t t i n g h a m . ' Y o u can get cheap things.'

s t o p for seventeen years. H e claimed it h a d been a l m o s t a

'But . . . what's y o u r n a m e again?' stutters Belle.

d e c a d e since he last wore shoes, a n d w a r b l e d on indefinitely

'Ing.'

a b o u t h o w inhuman it w a s to lose contact with the soil.

'Ing?'

H e also said that whenever he encountered a b e g g a r , instead

'Ing.'

of giving them money, he g a v e them a hug.

'But Ing - c a p i t a l i s m isn't going to vanish like all the

F o r h o u r s on end, he held court over the g r o u p with tales

other invaders. T h i s time, India's lost the fight. Its character

of d i s e a s e , r o b b e r y , d r u g a b u s e and foot-rot. T h e s e stories

is d i s a p p e a r i n g . Only a fool can say that India is still a

were just overtures, however, to help him d r a w a c r o w d .

spiritual country.'

A n d it w a s only when he h a d a p r o p e r audience that he

'In E n g l a n d , ' says Brian, 'a b a n a n a costs up to twenty

w o u l d e m b a r k on his favourite topic: a Unifying T h e o r y

pence, but here you can get a bunch o f t e n to fifteen b a n a n a s

of India.

for as little as thirty pee. T h a t ' s a huge saving.'

'India,' says J o n a h , 'is at the s a m e time the m o s t beautiful

India has never recovered from British colonization. It will

a n d the m o s t horrific country - and Indians are both the

be two or m a y b e three m o r e generations before Indians

w a r m e s t a n d the m o s t brutal p e o p l e on earth.'

can truly respect themselves again. By which time it might

'Let us not forget,' says Burl (Belle's boyfriend), 'that

A l t h o u g h J o n a h has barely w a r m e d to his theme, Belle, 86

be too late.' 87

'I love it here,' says J o n a h , 'but I hate it here.' H e nods

'You promise?' 'I'll try and be m o r e Eastern a b o u t things.'

sagely. 'I,' says Ing, 'hate it here. But I love it here.' H e nods even m o r e sagely than J o n a h , w h o gets a bit miffed and tries to up the sageness quotient in his nod. T h i s doesn't w o r k because the miffiness s h o w s through, so J o n a h with­ d r a w s from the battle of n o d s a n d rolls another joint. At this point, X a v i e r e m b a r k s on his theory. 'India, lack m a n e e a beeg countray, souffers a crush under eetz o w n weight. L a c k a whale o w n ze beach, ze size of eetz o w n self-population, eez ze m o u r d e r w e a p o n of involunaree suiceede.' Everyone looks at him blankly. ' J ' a i m e l'lnde. M a i s je la deteste,' he says, emphatically. Everyone nods sagely, trying to show they understand French. 'It's fascinating, isn't it?' whispers Liz in my ear, her face alight with stimulation. 'It's all bollocks if you a s k m e . ' ' H o w can you say that?' 'Easily. It's all bollocks.' 'But . . . all these theories. People who've travelled all over the world and are willing to share their experiences with us. D o you realize how lucky we are?' 'We're lucky not to be like them, that's for sure.' She touches my cheek, and l o o k s longingly into my eyes. 'Please, D a v e . F o r me - just for me - will you p l e a s e try a n d leave behind all this Western cynicism? Please. T h i s is our chance to e x p a n d our minds. We have to t a k e it.' I look b a c k at her. She has that look of desperate sincerity in her eyes that people get when they need sedation. U n a b l e to think of a way to wriggle out of it, I decide that the only courteous thing to d o is to lie. ' O K . I'm sorry. I'll try.' 88

Fortunately, she doesn't notice that I'm being sarcastic.

T w o d a y s later, J e r e m y tried to organize a day-trip. H e told everyone in the hotel that there w a s a holy cave inhabited by S a d h u s half-way up a nearby m o u n t a i n , a n d that anyone

The real India

w h o wanted to g o should meet on the v e r a n d a first thing the following morning. I w a s initially a g a i n s t the idea, just b e c a u s e it c a m e from J e r e m y . H o w e v e r , it w a s such a long time since I'd done anything active that the prospect of a long w a l k actually felt quite inviting. A l s o , if I wanted to stay in favour with Liz, it w a s i m p o r t a n t to s h o w a bit of enthusiasm for something vaguely E a s t e r n . A cave's a cave if you a s k m e ,

After a week in M a n a l i , disaster struck. J e r e m y turned up.

but since it w a s s u p p o s e d l y a holy one it satisfied Liz's

'I thought I'd find you here,' he s a i d , as he emerged at

m i n d - e x p a n s i o n credentials, s o taking p a r t in the trip w o u l d score m e a few B r o w n i e points. I decided to join in.

the end of the p a t h . ' J ! ' shrieked L i z , leaping f r o m her chair a n d rushing to give him a kiss.

By ten o'clock a r e a s o n a b l e c r o w d h a d gathered: Burl, Belle, Ing and J o n a h h a d all turned u p , a l o n g with a guy

'Hi, D a v e , ' he said, apparently oblivious to the fact that

call R a n j w h o w a s , of all things, Indian.

we were s u p p o s e d to hate each other's guts. 'Mmm.'

Shortly after we h a d set off, I spotted Liz (who w a s at the

'I see you're p a r t a k i n g of the local p o i s o n . '

front of the g r o u p with J e r e m y ) giving a h u g to a beggar.

' N o . I'm s m o k i n g a joint.'

T h e b e g g a r l o o k e d suitably disgusted by this behaviour, s o

' J ! Y o u were s o right a b o u t this hotel. It's a m a z i n g , '

I attempted to c o m p e n s a t e by giving him a few rupees. Even though I couldn't see Liz's facial e x p r e s s i o n , I got the

gushed Liz. 'This hotel is M a n a l i , it's as simple as that,' he replied.

impression that p o s t - h u g , she had a w h o l e new w a l k . H e r b o d y l a n g u a g e n o w s a i d , 'Everybody look at me - I'm just

' N o w where's s o m e weed?' Without even asking, Liz t o o k the joint out of my hand a n d p a s s e d it to J e r e m y . H e p l a c e d it between t w o

s o d a m n serene it hurts.'

fingers

A mile or s o d o w n the r o a d , it emerged that J o n a h knew

just under the knuckle, curled his hand into a fist and sucked

of a short cut. T h i s burst J e r e m y ' s b u bble, which put me

the s m o k e out f r o m a r o u n d the b a s e of his t h u m b .

in an excellent m o o d , a n d left Liz at the b a c k of the g r o u p ,

N e x t thing I k n o w , he's teaching Liz how to d o the s a m e

in charge of c o n s o l i n g him. I ended u p talking to R a n j for m o s t of the w a l k .

thing. 'You'll notice a lot of the locals s m o k e like this,' he's saying.

R a n j , it turned out, w a s from Putney. Instead of w e a r i n g all the traveller gear (which by now even I h a d b o u g h t ) , he w a s dressed in Levi's a n d a tight, freshly laundered T-shirt

90

9i

which s h o w e d off his toned muscles. H e also s p o r t e d the

'Pah! Travellers are the s c u m of the earth.'

first hairstyle I'd seen since arriving in M a n a l i .

'But we're rich. We're Western.'

H e told me that he'd been d r a g g e d over by his parents

'So?'

to meet the family, but it h a d all just got too much for him,

'So we can afford to buy expensive things.'

s o he'd run a w a y to the hills. H e said his family w a s really

'And . . . ?'

rich a n d h a d contacts everywhere w h o w o u l d be out l o o k i n g

'So people act like they respect us.'

for him, s o I shouldn't tell anyone that I'd seen him.

'Exactly. T h e y act like they respect you. But they don't.

'Fair e n o u g h , ' I said.

T h e y think you're dirty and tight-fisted, but they suck up

'I s w e a r , they'll find me. Wherever I a m , they'll find me

to you because they w a n t your money. R e m e m b e r that.

and d r a g me b a c k . '

N o Indian in this country will ever b e c o m e your friend.

'Are you sure you're not being a bit p a r a n o i d ? I m e a n , it's a big country.'

Whatever they say to you is a lie - they only w a n t your money.'

' Y o u don't k n o w h o w it w o r k s here. M y family's got their fingers in everything. I just need to say my n a m e , and

' Y o u can't say that. It's racist.' 'Of course it's racist. I hate Indians, m a n . They're fucking

a total stranger will k n o w w h a t family I belong to, a n d

b a r b a r i a n s . All they're interested in is money,

w o r d will get b a c k to them of where I a m . I s w e a r to G o d .

money. I've been pinned d o w n by ten t h o u s a n d cousins all

A n d I'll be in such deep shit when they find me.'

day every day for the last m o n t h , a n d all they w a n t to talk

money,

'Why?'

a b o u t is stereos a n d cars a n d whisky and property prices,

'Because I ran a w a y , for fuck's sake!'

and it's driven me up the fucking wall, m a n . T h a t ' s why I

'But couldn't you tell them you just w a n t e d to g o b a c k ­

had to get out. I'm not interested in all that shit. I'm not

packing?'

interested in my d a d ' s p o x y business, a n d I couldn't give

' B a c k p a c k i n g ! Y o u think they'd let me g o b a c k p a c k i n g !

two shits if all his c r a p p y clothes fall a p a r t ten seconds

T r a v e l l i n g a r o u n d like s o m e low-life, with dirty clothes

after they've left the w a r e h o u s e . It's all c r a p . It's materialist

on my b a c k , sleeping in bug-infested hotels with stinking

crap.'

hippies. N e v e r in a million years w o u l d they let me g o off like this. A n d on my own! J e s u s Christ! T h e y ' d think I'd gone mad.'

'But I thought India w a s s u p p o s e d to be, like, a spiritual country and everything.' ' T h a t ' s why I've c o m e travelling. I w a n t to find the real

'But I thought everyone did it.' ' Y e a h , I m e a n , l o a d s of my m a t e s b a c k h o m e have d o n e it. But not me. I'm not allowed.' 'Why n o t ? '

India. I'm searching for, kind of, my spiritual motherland.' 'Like M a n a l i . ' 'Exactly.' 'And the R a i n b o w L o d g e . '

'Because I'm Indian. A n d this is n o w a y to behave for a respectable Indian.'

'Exactly. T h i s is it, m a n . H o l y caves a n d all that shit. T h i s is the stuff.'

'Travelling's respectable.' 92.

' Y o u ' r e right,' I said. ' T h i s is a m a z i n g . '

93

We w a l k e d a l o n g in c o m p a n i o n a b l e silence for a while, a d m i r i n g the view. 'It's funny,' I s a i d . 'What?'

Maybe the places were the shit bits

' Y o u k n o w h o w M a n a l i just feels right.' 'Yeah.' ' H o w you travel through all the stress a n d the moneyg r u b b i n g , then you arrive here a n d , like, instantly k n o w that you've found the real India a n d everything.' 'Yeah.' 'I m e a n , it's o d d , because in all the time I've been up here, you're the first Indian I've h a d a conversation with.'

R a n j w a s the first p e r s o n I'd met since arriving in India

'So?'

w h o I actually liked. W e got on well f r o m the start, and

'I d u n n o - it's a s if the best bits - the bits that feel m o s t

while Liz drifted off into Bullshit L a n d with J e r e m y , I

like India - are the places where you don't have to talk to

started spending m o s t of my time with R a n j . I'd never really

any Indians.'

h a d any friends f r o m South L o n d o n before, a n d it w a s

' T o o fucking right, m a n . T o o fucking right.'

interesting, b e c a u s e they really d o have a different o u t l o o k on life.

I ended u p trying to explain this theory to Liz in the evening, a n d she a l m o s t burned me at the s t a k e as a heretic. I'd

After a fortnight or s o , even M a n a l i got boring, and it w a s

never seen her s o angry. F o r the time being, J e r e m y w a s

s o m e h o w decided that L i z , J e r e m y , R a n j a n d I w o u l d all

the royal favourite, a n d I w a s an incontinent corgi.

travel to D h a r a m s a l a together. Apparently this w a s where the D a l a i L a m a a n d l o a d s of T i b e t a n m o n k s hung out, s o it w a s b o u n d to be a cool place. If you were really lucky, you'd even s p o t R i c h a r d Gere. M a n a l i h a d b e c o m e a kind of security blanket, a n d the thought of leaving it behind m a d e all my old fears creep b a c k to the surface. I felt, though, that travelling in a big g r o u p w o u l d act a s a form of insulation, a n d given that we h a d to m o v e on at s o m e point, this seemed like the best w a y to d o it. A l s o , D h a r a m s a l a w a s meant to be quite like M a n a l i , so the trip w o u l d be a gentle reintroduction to the rigours of p r o p e r travel.

95

A s it turned out, none of us really liked D h a r a m s a l a , largely

frustration. Y o u h a d to think of a journey as a state of

b e c a u s e we all ate something our first night that m a d e us

being. It w a s an activity in its own right - a social ritual

ill. I spent m o s t of the night c r a p p i n g , and J e r e m y ended

revolving a r o u n d nourishment and conversation, fleetingly

up vomiting out of his w i n d o w . I knew it had been a m i s t a k e

interrupted by p a u s e s for motion. Basically, each trip w a s

to order paella, but the W o o d s t o c k r e s t a u r a n t l o o k e d

a little party.

r e a s o n a b l y hygienic, a n d it just seemed like a fun change at the time.

F o r the first time, I ended up chatting to Indians, and even though none of them s p o k e decent e n o u g h English to

J e r e m y also kept on c o m p l a i n i n g that the place h a d

say anything very interesting, m o s t of the time they were

b e c o m e commercialized since he w a s last there, a n d that

amazingly friendly a n d ended up p a y i n g for my tea. I didn't

the T i b e t a n s were cashing in on w h a t w a s originally a place

even w a n t them to p a y , but often they insisted. T h i s w a s

for spiritual reflection. H e w a s really c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t

quite a confusing experience, since up until then I'd been

the fact that his once unique e m b r o i d e r e d d a y - p a c k w a s

w o r k i n g on the never-trust-an-Indian-they're-a-bunch-of-

h o w h a n g i n g up for sale outside every s h o p on the high

criminals-who-believe-it's-their-moral-right-to-rip-you-

street.

off-because-you're-too-rich-for-your-own-good-and-you-

J u s t to piss him off, I b o u g h t one for myself.

still-have-the-blood-of-Empire-on-your-hands-so-even-if-

W e decided to rest up for a few d a y s , then m a k e a m o v e

they're - being - friendly - w a t c h - out - they - w a n t - something

f r o m the m o u n t a i n s d o w n to R a j a s t h a n .

theory. A cup of tea only set them b a c k a b o u t two pence, but I couldn't see w h a t they were getting out of paying.

In order to get there, we h a d to t a k e a bus all the w a y b a c k

It w a s n ' t as if they all w a n t e d me to help s p o n s o r visa

to Delhi, followed by a train w e s t w a r d s to J a i p u r . T h e

applications. Unless it w a s part of a long-term plan to

whole thing took ages a n d w a s generally hot, smelly, dirty

befriend me for unspecified future use. Whatever the r e a s o n ,

a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e . A l s o , not long into the journey R a n j

it w a s nice to be treated in such a h o s p i t a b l e way.

started getting on well with J e r e m y , which p i s s e d me off.

Everywhere else, c r o w d s of Indians w a n t e d me in their s h o p , r e s t a u r a n t , hotel or rickshaw - the only p e o p l e w h o

Whenever the train or b u s s t o p p e d , instead of getting

talked to me w a n t e d my money — but on a train, I w a s in

frustrated by how long everything t o o k , R a n j a n d J e r e m y

a hassle-free zone. People either left me alone or chatted

just g o t out, strolled a n d chatted with whoever w a s a r o u n d ,

to me b e c a u s e , apparently, they just wanted a chat. After

b o u g h t whatever f o o d or tea w a s available, a n d c o n s u m e d

I'd been bought several teas by p e o p l e w h o subsequently

a s much of it as they could before the train/bus spoilt their

vanished without even a s k i n g for my a d d r e s s , I began to

fun by m o v i n g off a g a i n . As s o o n as I started c o p y i n g this

suspect that this might actually be genuine friendliness. It

technique, I began to enjoy myself.

w a s all very strange.

T h e secret w a s to think of travel in a completely new

I h a d a s s u m e d that travelling w a s the c r a p bit y o u h a d

way. If you t o o k it as a w a y of getting f r o m A to B,

to tolerate in order to get to the places you wanted to see,

you were done for. Y o u ended up eating your toes with

but it occurred to me that m a y b e the places were the shit

96

97

bits that you h a d to tolerate in order to d o the travelling. T h i s w h o l e thing w a s getting interesting. I could feel my ' N n n n ' turning into an ' M m m m ' .

said J e r e m y . ' H e thinks he's w o r k i n g class despite the fact that he went to public school. He's a social abseiler.' 'I did not g o to public school. I went to an Independent School on an assisted place.'

J e r e m y knew of a m a a a h v e l l o u s hotel, and as s o o n a s we got to J a i p u r , he insisted that we all g o a n d take a look. It turned o u t to be pretty nice, s o w e all d u m p e d o u r b a g s , w a s h e d a n d spent the rest of the day lolling a r o u n d . Liz a n d I were alone together in our r o o m , mid loll, when I a s k e d her if she fancied J e r e m y . 'Don't be stupid.'

'Assisted place? O h , so we're playing the coalminer's daughter n o w , are w e ? ' I wasn't in the m o o d for an argument. I put my head d o w n and concentrated on my food — shifting it a r o u n d the plate with my fork. I h a d no appetite, but didn't want Liz to see how b a d I w a s feeling, so I t o o k a small mouthful. 'He's got a point, you know,' said R u p e r t 4. 'About the

'It's n o t stupid.'

coincidence.'

'Of c o u r s e I don't fancy him! H e ' s g o t a b e a r d . ' 'You swear?'

T h e table went silent again. J e r e m y , L i z and R u p e r t s 1 to 3 gave him hard stares.

'Anyway, w h a t if I d i d ? '

R u p e r t 4 went bright red. 'Sorry,' he s a i d , then carried

'What if you did w h a t ? '

on eating.

'What if I did fancy him?' 'I don't k n o w . . .'

'Guess where we've just c o me f r o m , ' said R u p e r t 1 to Jeremy.

' Y o u haven't got the right to s t o p me fancying p e o p l e , you know.'

'Pushkar.' 'Bloody hell,' said R u p e r t 2. ' H o w did you k n o w ? '

'I just thought that with m e a n d you . . .'

'Educated guess.'

' M e a n d you what?'

'See?' I said.

' Y o u k n o w - now that we're . . .'

'Where did you stay?' said J e r e m y .

'We're w h a t ? '

'Krishna R e s t H o u s e , wasn't it?' said R u p e r t 1.

' Y o u k n o w . N o w that we're having a, kind of, s e x u a l

'So you didn't discover the Peacock H o l i d a y R e s o r t ,

relationship.'

then?'

'We are not having a sexual relationship, D a v e . ' 'Aren't we?'

' N o , ' said R u p e r t 4, still looking a little upset. 'Is that the best place?'

'Of c o u r s e we're not. L o o k - we're going to have to s t o p

'It's marvellous. A n d it's got the m o s t c h a r m i n g g a r d e n .

d o i n g anything, now. I simply can't get through to you,

T h e only trouble is, you get w o k e n up by the cries of

can I?'

p e a c o c k s in the mo r n in g . '

' B u t . . . we've been . . .'

Liz g a s p e d with anticipated pleasure. 'Oh, G o d . T h a t

'I have told you again and a g a i n that I love J a m e s . H o w

s o u n d s a m a z i n g . C a n we go there?' She faltered for a second,

m a n y times d o we have to g o over this for you to get the

realizing that she h a d asked the w r o n g p e r s o n , then turned

98

101

to m e a n d smiled, splattering m e with fake goodwill. 'Shall

kind of high-tech c o c o o n , a n d they climb d o w n at the

we g o there?'

tourist spots without having the slightest idea a b o u t h o w

I shrugged a yes.

much things are s u p p o s e d to cost, then they w a l k a r o u n d

'Is it cheap?' said L i z , turning b a c k to J e r e m y .

happily p a y i n g d o u b l e for everything - which gives West­

'What d o y o u think? H a v e I ever taken you anywhere

erners a terribly b a d n a m e , a n d m a k e s everything infinitely harder for the real travellers w h o are trying to get things

expensive?'

for local prices.'

' N o , ' said Liz. ' T h e place is a b a r g a i n . It's a s simple a s that. A n d don't tell t o o many p e o p l e a b o u t it, or the price will g o up.'

'After all,' I s a i d , 'one doesn't w ant to a s k d a d d y for money too often.' J e r e m y g a v e m e a stare.

'Peacocks! W a k i n g y o u u p in the morning! G o d - 1 can't wait.'

' T h a t ' s absolutely right,' said R u p e r t 1. 'I hate a s k i n g d a d d y for money. I find it jolly humiliating, a n d I can't

'We haven't seen J a i p u r yet,' I s a i d .

wait until I'm o l d enough to . . . to t a k e h i m o u t for supper

'We don't need to spend t o o long here,' said Liz. 'It's f a r

or something. I m e a n , that w o u l d be a great feeling.'

t o o touristy.'

'Bloody right,' said R u p e r t 2.

'What are you talking a b o u t ? Y o u haven't even left the hotel.'

T h e following d a y I went t o the Palace of the Winds with

'I k n o w , but it's on all the b u s tours. F a t , rich, m i d d l e - a g e d

R a n j , a n d I hate to say it, but J e r e m y w a s right a b o u t the

tourists c o m e here in air-conditioned buses to see Delhi,

tourists. I quite liked the building t h o u g h , even if it didn't

J a i p u r a n d A g r a . Everyone k n o w s that.'

look a s g o o d a s the p h o t o in T h e B o o k .

' T h e Silver T r i a n g l e , ' s a i d R u p e r t 4. ' G o l d e n T r i a n g l e , o l d c h a p , ' said R u p e r t 3. 'Sorry,' said R u p e r t 4.

O u t s i d e , I w a s surprised to see that R a n j g a v e s o m e money to a b e g g a r . ' H o w c a n y o u tell which are the real b e g g a r s ? ' I a s k e d

'She's right,' said J e r e m y . ' J a i p u r h a s its c h a r m s , but it really is ruined by all these p e o p l e o n . . . o n . . . two-week holidays. . . w h o c o m e here a n d really don't have the slight­ est interest in the country. T h e y just w a n t to see a few

him. 'What?' ' H o w c a n y o u tell the real b e g g a r s f r o m the o r g a n i z e d beggars?'

p a l a c e s , buy s o m e cheap c a r p e t s , then they g o h o m e h a p p y ,

'What the fuck is an organized b e g g a r ? '

feeling they've learned something a b o u t A s i a . I can't stand

' Y o u k n o w - one w h o preys on tourists.'

the sight of them, myself. T h e y ruin all the tourist sights for the real travellers.'

' Y o u are the m o s t p a r a n o i d p e r s o n I've ever met. A beggar's a beggar. S o m e o n e without any money. W h o lives

'W-w-why d-d-do you say that?' said R u p e r t 4, as c o m b a ­ tively a s he could m a n a g e .

on the street.' 'Oh.'

'Because they're s o rich,' said J e r e m y . 'Their b u s is a

102

'Don't y o u give them any money?'

103

'Jeremy said you weren't s u p p o s e d to. H e said that

'Well, you k n o w . We're not into cities, really. We've decided they're too hectic. A n d too materialist.'

Indians just ignore them.' 'What a lying, tight-fisted wanker.'

'Where are you going then?'

'So you a l w a y s give them money?'

'Pushkar.'

' N o t always. J u s t - you k n o w - like in E n g l a n d . If I've

'What's Pushkar?'

got a bit of change, a n d the m o o d strikes me, I give s o m e

' Y o u must have heard of P u s h k a r . '

of it a w a y . '

' N o . What's in Pushkar?'

'Is that what m o s t p e o p l e d o ? ' 'I don't k n o w . I'm not telepathic. T h e r e isn't a rule b o o k for w h a t you're s u p p o s e d to d o , you k n o w . '

' O h , it's really mellow, apparently. T h e r e ' s this l a k e , a n d . . . er . . .' 'And w h a t ? ' 'I don't k n o w , really. It's just apparently really mellow.

'I s u p p o s e not.' I felt b a d now. It w a s all J e r e m y ' s fault.

A bit like M a n a l i , but with a lake instead of m o u n t a i n s . ' 'Right, right. S o u n d s quite cool.'

T h e r e w a s a story d o i n g the r o u n d s in our hotel a b o u t how

'And you never k n o w - if you h a n g a r o u n d here t o o

a y o u n g tiger had escaped from J a i p u r z o o by simply

long, someone's b o u n d to spot you. N o one will find you

w a l k i n g out of its c a g e between the bars. It h a d then,

in Pushkar. It's just a village.'

apparently, g o n e on a killing spree in a nearby village. We

' M a y b e you're right. It is a bit m a d here.'

all thought this w a s a hilarious a n d typically Indian story

'And there's p e a c o c k s at the hotel.'

until that evening, when a French guy chipped in with a

'So?'

new version. H e claimed to have heard that the tiger had killed a Western traveller. A few p e o p l e didn't believe him, but it m a d e the rest of us really scared.

' D u n n o . It just s o u n d s cool. O h , c o m e with us. It'll be a laugh.' 'I'll think a b o u t it.'

J a i p u r clearly wasn't safe, partly because of the tiger, but mainly because L i z w a s drooling over all the R u p e r t s , so

T h a t evening, I got the hotel receptionist to a s k him if he

I m a d e a big shit-eating statement a b o u t J e r e m y ' s perceptive

w a s the R a n j Pindar.

analysis of the city, and how we should move on to Pushkar. R a n j w a s reluctant to leave J a i p u r so s o o n , and I w a s briefly faced with the horrific p r o s p e c t of travelling alone with Liz and J e r e m y . 'What - you're going already?' he said. ' Y e a h , it's too touristy.' 'But you haven't seen it yet.' 'We have. We've done the Palace of the W i n d s . ' 'What a b o u t the rest of it? It's a whole city.'

104

H e c a m e with us.

you . . . I m e a n h o w long have you . . . ? B l o o d y hell! Where d o w e start?' 'We . . . have . . . g o t . . . s o o o o o much to talk a b o u t . '

Was it amazing?

T h e y spent a b o u t ten minutes e x c h a n g i n g vowels, saying each other's n a m e s over a n d over again with increasingly bizarre a b b r e v i a t i o n s , a n d a d m i r i n g each other's jewellery, before L i z g o t r o u n d to introducing me. 'This is D a v i d , my travelling c o m p a n i o n , ' she said. Fee extended a hand a n d allowed m e to w o b b l e her c l a m m y , limp 'Charming,'

It w a s in Pushkar that things went badly w r o n g between

fingers. she s a i d ,

'and this

is

my girlfriend,

Caroline.'

Liz a n d me. W e were sitting reading in the c o u r t y a r d of the hotel one m o r n i n g (I w a s on a Wilbur Smith, a n d L i z

It turned o u t that Liz a n d F i o n a were best friends from the

had recently ditched the Bhagavad Gita in f a v o u r of Zen and

Ealing J u n i o r String O r c h e s t r a , a n d h a d only seen each

the Art of Motorcycle

other once since L i z m o v e d house, a g e d eleven.

Maintenance),

when she suddenly

leaped o u t of her chair a n d shrieked.

F i o n a went upstairs with C a r o l i n e to 'freshen u p ' , p r o m ­

'Oh my G o o o u u u u r r r r d ! '

ising to c o m e b a c k d o w n for a ' g o o d old chin-wag' in a

'What?' I s a i d , but she ignored m e , sprinted to the court­

few 'minny m o e s . ' She eventually re-emerged a n d glided

yard entrance, a n d g r a b b e d a girl w h o w a s just arriving

d o w n the stairs with the filth cleaned off her face, a n d her

with her r u c k s a c k .

greasy hair freshly brushed a n d tied b a c k . O d d l y , this m a d e her l o o k even w o r s e than before.

'Fee!' cried Liz. T h e girl turned r o u n d a n d l o o k e d at L i z , blankly.

'It's s o o o o g o o d to see y o u , ' she o o z e d , squeezing Liz's hand.

'Fee - is that y o u ? ' 'I'm F i o n a , yes.'

'And such a coincidence.''

'It's m e - L i z . '

'Amazing.'

T h e r e w a s a l o n g p a u s e while the girl scrutinized L i z , then,

'Unbelievable.'

realization d a w n i n g , she s c r e a m e d , even louder than L i z

'I think K r i s h n a must have w a n t e d us to get together

had d o n e , ' O H . . . M Y . . . G O O U U U U A A A A R R R D !

a g a i n , ' said F i o n a , 'otherwise it couldn't possibly have

LIZZY!'

happened.' 'And . . . a n d . . . where have you just c o m e f r o m ? H o w

'Fee!'

long have y o u been here?'

'Lizzies!'

' C a z a n d I have just finished three m o n t h s at a leper

'Fifi!'

colony in U d a i p u r , actually.' ' T h i s is just . . . G o u a r d ! . . . unbelievable! H o w have

107 106

' W H A T ! ' I said, d r o p p i n g my b o o k on the floor.

and with my contacts in leprosy, it seemed like t o o g o o d

' Y a h . It w a s a m a z i n g . '

an opportunity to m i s s . '

I m o v e d my chair b a c k a few extra inches, just in case. 'You've just spent three months in a leper colony!?' 'Well - I m e a n , they don't call them that any m o r e - it's now k n o w n a s the U d a i p u r L e p r o s y Rehabilitation Centre and H o s p i c e - but it's the s a m e thing.' ' J e s u s fucking Christ! W h a t d'you d o that for?' I said.

'But . . . isn't it d a n g e r o u s ? ' I a s k e d . 'Don't be silly. L e p r o s y is an entirely curable disease if you catch it a t the early stages. A n d it's not nearly a s infectious a s people think.' 'But . . . it's disgusting.' ' Y o u have to get over that. M y first few d a y s were awful,

' O h , it's a m a z i n g . '

but n o w I feel m o r e at h o m e a m o n g s t lepers than I d o with

' Y e a h , I've always wanted to d o that,' said Liz.

the a b l e - b o d i e d . '

'What?'

' B u t . . . did you cure people?'

Liz gave m e an evil look. 'I didn't bother mentioning it because I knew you wouldn't understand. It's a l w a y s been a d r e a m of mine, actually.' She turned b a c k to F i o n a a n d sweetened u p her face a g a i n . 'Fee, darling, w h a t w a s it really like? W a s it a m a z i n g ? '

' N o - o u r place w a s for people once they've reached the incurable stage. T h a t ' s what m a k e s U d a i p u r so p o p u l a r . ' 'Why?' 'Because it's fascinating. Y o u get w o r s e cripples there than anywhere else, a n d y o u have to w a s h them a n d assist

' O h , absolutely. I'm a changed p e r s o n . '

their w a l k i n g , a n d generally try and help them to live with

'Of course.'

their disease.'

' H o w ? ' I said.

'Wash them?*

' J u s t - my k a r m a is completely different.'

'Yes - I g o t rather addicted to that.'

I didn't even want to k n o w what that meant.

'WHAT?'

' G o d , it s o u n d s a m a z i n g , ' said L i z .

'It's horrible at first, but once you get used to it, it's an

'I m e a n , I've learned s o much a b o u t myself . . . a b o u t healing . . . a n d stuff.'

a m a z i n g feeling.' 'Why?'

' H o w did you get a place there? I mean I've heard it's quite competitive.'

'Because once you've d o n e it, y o u feel s o . . . good.' 'How?'

'I w a s lucky. O n e of mother's friends runs a leprosy

' Y o u just feel like a good person. Y o u feel like you've

o r g a n i z a t i o n in L o n d o n , a n d I w a s put to the h e a d of the

earned positive k a r m a . Y o u feel a s if you've cleansed a w a y

queue. I could put in a g o o d w o r d for you if y o u like.'

all the horrible privileges that you were born with, a n d

' O h , w o u l d you? T h a t w o u l d be brilliant. I m e a n , I'm

you're stripped d o w n to just a simple girl, scrubbing the

definitely c o m i n g here a g a i n , a n d next time I'd like to give

back of a filthy, s c a b b y , dying leper. It's absolutely exhil­

something b a c k to India in return for what it's given m e . '

arating.'

'Exactly. T h a t ' s why I w a n t e d to d o it. I mean I hadn't been here before, but I knew this is what it w o u l d be like,

108

' O h , I must d o it,' said Liz. 'I really must.' 'But isn't it, like, depressing?'

109

' O h no! Quite the o p p o s i t e . T h e place is a w a s h with optimism.'

cation p r o g r a m m e is beginning to have an effect, and the supply's been drying u p a bit lately.'

'But I thought you said they were all incurable.'

At that point, C a r o l i n e joined us.

'They a r e , but they're all s o charming. I m e a n , they've

'Hi-eey,' she sung.

got nothing left, and they've usually been rejected by their

'Hi-eey,' s u n g F i o n a in return. 'Feeling better?'

families, and they're a b o u t to die, but they can all still laugh

'A bit.'

a n d be positive a b o u t life.'

'Did you just d o another one?'

' Y e a h , right.'

'Another three.'

'It's true.'

'Oh G o d . It's getting w o r s e , isn't it?'

' T h a t ' s not possible.'

'Mmm.'

'It's true. Y o u see, there's an interview policy. T h e hos­

'Don't you think it might be time to try a d o c t o r ? '

pice is massively oversubscribed, a n d to get a bed there y o u

'I thought we agreed that we don't believe in d o c t o r s . '

have to p a s s an interview to p r o v e that you've got the right

' M a y b e we can find a h o m e o p a t h i c one.'

attitude.'

'If you think so . . .' 'Are you ill?' said L i z , radiating concern.

'Which is what?' 'Positive. Y o u have to be positive. I m e a n , if they were just sulking all the time, the girls w h o went w o u l d be miserable a n d wouldn't learn anything.' 'Are you saying that the patients are selected to suit the

' Y e a h , I can't s t o p g o i n g to the l o o , a n d I've lost a stone and a half.' 'You've lost a stone a n d a h a l f ? ' said L i z . 'Yeah.' ' O h , you lucky thing.'

nurses?' 'All hospitals are like that. I m e a n , if you don't have the right disease, you can't get in. If you aren't ill enough, you can't get in. T h i s is just taking it one step further. A n d I tell you, they get better treatment there than they w o u l d for miles a r o u n d . T h a t ' s why the a t m o s p h e r e is s o g o o d . It's simply a marvellous place.'

'I k n o w , but I'm beginning to get a bit worried now because I keep on fainting.' ' H o w c o m e you don't believe in d o c t o r s when you've just been w o r k i n g in a hospital?' I s a i d . 'It wasn't a hospital, it w a s a hospice,' said F i o n a . 'And it h a d healers instead of d o c t o r s . '

' T h a t ' s sick.'

'What's the difference?'

'What - you think it w o u l d be better if they didn't get

' D o c t o r s cure the disease. Healers heal the p e r s o n . ' 'Who d o you g o to for the shits?'

any treatment at all?' ' N o , but I mean, selecting patients like t h a t . . .' ' Y o u have to be selective. I m e a n , there are lepers g r o w i n g on trees in this country.' 'Yes, b u t . . .' 'Actually, between you a n d me, the government eduno

Liz g a v e m e a despairing look.

contentedly in a p u d d l e of fumes, rolling his eyes, s w e a r i n g at i m a g i n a r y m e m b e r s of his family a n d occasionally p a s s ­ ing out.

The from-a-height thing

N o w I'm all in f a v o u r of d r u g a b u s e , but by this stage R a n j just wasn't g o o d c o m p a n y any m o r e . H e wasn't c o m p a n y at all. A s a result, m o s t of my time in P u s h k a r w a s spent alone with Wilbur Smith. J e r e m y , meanwhile, h a d been ousted from the royal entourage by Fee a n d C a z . H e didn't seem to mind t o o m u c h , though, a n d I a l m o s t thought I detected a certain relief that he w a s n o w being left alone by Liz. Whenever I

T h e arrival of Fee a n d C a z heralded the beginning of the

s a w him he w a s a l o n e in the c o u r t y a r d , reading a b o o k called

end. Liz started getting up every m o r n i n g before b r e a k f a s t

The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by

to g o and meditate by the lake with them, a n d under their

Carlos Castaneda.

influence, she started turning into a cross between Princess A n n e , M o t h e r T e r e s a , G a n d h i a n d Russell G r a n t . M e a n w h i l e , R a n j seemed to be going off the rails. It all began to g o w r o n g when he b o u g h t a chillum, which is

Feeling briefly sympathetic t o w a r d s him as a fellow castoff, I a s k e d him w h a t it w a s a b o u t . 'It's a m u s t - r e a d , ' he s a i d , in that p o m p o u s voice I'd a l m o s t forgotten.

basically a cross between a pipe a n d a traffic cone, designed

Bye-bye s y m p a t h y .

for s m o k i n g vast quantities of h a s h . O n e chillum could

'Here - r e a d the b a c k , ' he said.

p r o b a b l y keep the entire p o p u l a t i o n of Barnet stoned for

' "Don Juan p r o j e c t s a quality of experience beside which

a week. R a n j , however, acquired the unusual habit of

scientific exactitude s t a n d s in peril of p a l i n g into insignifi­

s m o k i n g an entire chillum on his own. F o r b r e a k f a s t . T h e n

cance. - T h e o d o r e R o s z a k , " ' it said. 'Blimey. S o u n d s g o o d . '

another one for lunch. N o r m a l l y , it w a s i m p o s s i b l e to get m o r e than t w o puffs into a joint before s o m e u n k n o w n scrounger w o u l d c o m e a n d sit next to you and start a feeble a t t e m p t at a conver­

'I'll s w a p it for your Wilbur Smith when you've

finished,'

he said. 'All right.'

sation in anticipation of a few d r a g s . R a n j ' s chillum, h o w ­ ever, w a s so f e a r s o m e that it actually frightened p e o p l e

O n e morning, I w a s tucking into a b a n a n a p a n c a k e when

a w a y . A busy c o u r t y a r d of travellers could be a l m o s t cleared

Liz, Fee a n d C a z , just b a c k f r o m their d a w n seance or

by the sight of a strangely boggle-eyed Indian sucking on

whatever it w a s they did, c a m e a n d joined me for b r e a k f a s t

one end of what l o o k e d like an industrial cooling tower

(one boiled egg each, in case you're interested).

having a b a d day. T h e s m o k e it p r o d u c e d often a p p e a r e d

D e s p i t e the fact that I w o u l d far rather have been left

to be heavier than air, a n d m o s t of the time R a n j sat

alone with Wilbur, they seemed to think that the courteous

112

113

thing to d o w a s to c o m e and sit at my table, disturb my p e a c e a n d talk unadulterated shit to each other without a d d r e s s i n g a w o r d to me. I tried to

blot

them

' M y k a r m a , ' she went on, 'really has changed. I'm into a whole new r e a l m . ' I couldn't t a k e this any more.

out

and concentrate

on

the

b a n a n a r i n e s s of my p a n c a k e , but the invasion w a s just too brutal.

' K a r m a ? ' I s a i d , slowly. ' K a r m a ? M y fucking arse. Why don't the three of you get a life?' Silence descended on the table. Fee a n d C a z stared at

'Did you get there t o d a y ? ' said Fee.

me, their facial expressions utterly in tune with one another.

'What - to nirvana? A r e y o u crazy?' said Liz.

Neither of them l o o k e d even the slightest bit angry with

' N o - not nirvana. T o the other one. T h e one below

me, or even offended. T h e y both, quite transparently, just

nirvana but a b o v e tranquillity that I w a s telling you a b o u t .

felt sorry for me. In their eyes, I w a s n o w on a par with

What's it called again?'

the lepers.

' T h i n g u m m y , ' said C a z .

Liz, however, didn't feel sorry for me. T h i s much w a s

' T h a t ' s the one.'

o b v i o u s . I w a s on the receiving end of one of her l o o k s .

'I definitely g o t to tranquillity,' said L i z .

N o t , in fact, one of her l o o k s , but the look. T h i s w a s a

'Brilliant,' said Fee. 'I m e a n , that's the basis. Y o u ' r e well

serious

on the way now.'

look. T r a n s l a t e d into English it said, basically,

' T h a t ' s it.' I h a d reached the end of the r o a d . She'd h a d

'I think it's the first time I properly g o t there, actually.'

enough of me.

'Oh, I'm so h a p p y for you. H o w did it feel?'

' C o m e o n , Fee. C o m e o n , C a z , ' she s a i d .

'It f e l t . . . u m . . . kind of . . .'

T h e y t o o k their boiled eggs a n d m o v e d to another table.

' T r a n q u i l ? ' I offered. N o response.

T h a t afternoon, in a c o m p l e x o p e r a t i o n of ostentatious

' . . . as if . . . . as if my body belonged to s o m e o n e else,

secrecy, Liz m o v e d her mattress a n d b a c k p a c k into Fee a n d

and I w a s just a guest in my o w n head, o b s e r v i n g the world and myself from a height.' ' T h a t ' s a m a z i n g , ' said C a z . ' T h a t ' s m o r e than tranquil­ lity. I think that's the next one up. I hardly ever get the from-a-height thing.' 'Really?' 'Yeah. Y o u ' r e d o i n g really well.' Liz sighed. 'I a m s o o o o glad I b u m p e d into you t w o , ' she s a i d , touching each of them on the leg. 'You've opened my eyes to . . . to . . . to the W O R L D ! ' O h Christ, I thought. She really has lost it n o w .

114

Caz's room.

T h e howl b r o u g h t three m o r e p e o p l e into the court­ yard, one of w h o m w a s a w o m a n in a sari. She t o o k one look

That's that, then

at R a n j , then

s c r e a m e d a n d fainted. T h e

other

two people were youngish guys in jeans a n d designer T-shirts. 'Fuckin'ell m a n , ' said one of them. ' Y o u fuckin' twat.' I recognized the l a n g u a g e as deepest Putney. T h i s w a s obviously a brother. H e g r a b b e d R a n j by the a r m s , but R a n j refused to s u p p o r t his o w n weight, so the second y o u n g guy a p p r o a c h e d a n d t o o k him by the other a r m . T o g e t h e r , they f r o g m a r c h e d him out of the courtyard.

Dear Mum & Dad, Sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote to you, but I've been having an amazingly busy time. I have now left the Himalayas and am in Pushkar - a beautiful and peaceful lakeside village buried in the deserts of Rajasthan - probably the most colourful state in India, famous for the brightly coloured saris worn by the women, and for the equally lurid spices on sale in its crowded markets. I've been having a very relaxing time here, even though things with Liz haven't been going very well lately. W e seem to hate each other's guts at the moment, but I'm sure things will pick up soon. lots of love, Dave

R a n j didn't particularly seem to w a k e

up

through

the whole e p i s o d e until I heard his voice wafting in f r o m outside, saying ' W a i t . . . W a i t . . . W a i t . . . W A I T ! J U S T WAIT.' R a n j then r e a p p e a r e d , on d o d d e r y legs, a n d w a l k e d up to me. 'I w a n t you to have this,' he s a i d , putting his chillum into my h a n d , a n d closing my fingers a r o u n d it. ' T h a n k s , m a n , ' I said. H e gave me one last don't-mind-me-I'm-just-off-to-theg a l l o w s l o o k a n d tottered a w a y , into the a r m s of a waiting brother.

I w a s sipping my afternoon tea - one of m a n y afternoon

T h e pair of them d i s a p p e a r e d , and the car's engine

teas - in the hotel c o u r t y a r d a few d a y s after Liz's defection,

started up. It then cut out, and I h e a r d the s o u n d of a car

when I heard the s o u n d of screeching tyres c o m i n g from

door

immediately outside. T h e r e didn't seem to be m a n y cars in

out w a s s o m e o n e saying, 'He's not w o r t h it. H e ' s not

India, a n d hardly any in P u s h k a r - let alone ones that could

w o r t h it.'

get u p enough speed to be able to screech to a halt - so I l o o k e d up from my b o o k to see w h a t w a s g o i n g on. A fat m a n with a m o u s t a c h e , dressed in jacket a n d tie, a p p e a r e d in the c o u r t y a r d at a run, l o o k i n g stressed. H e e x a m i n e d us all one by one, then, when he s a w the blob in the corner that used to be R a n j , he started howling.

116

s l a m m i n g a n d an a r g u m e n t . All

I could

make

T h e r e w a s a lull for a second, then the bigger of the t w o brothers a p p e a r e d in the c o u r t y a r d , m a r c h e d up to m e , g r a b b e d me by the shirt, pulled m e out of my chair, a n d s l a m m e d me a g a i n s t the wall. 'Are you his dealer, then?' he shouted. ' A R E Y O U ? DID YOU DO THIS T O

HIM?'

117

' N o , m a n . I've never dealt in my life,' I s t a m m e r e d , suddenly convinced that I w a s a b o u t t o b e killed. 'DID Y O U S E L L T H A T S H I T T O H I M ? D I D YOU?'

'Well - Fee a n d C a z have been telling m e a b o u t a p l a c e , not far from here, that I'd like to visit.' 'So?' 'It's n o t the kind o f place that y o u c a n just g o a n d look

'I d-d-didn't. I s-swear to G o d . '

at, though. If y o u w a n t to g o there, y o u have to m a k e a

'I S H O U L D F U C K I N ' K I L L Y O U ! '

c o m m i t m e n t to stay at least t w o weeks.'

' Y o u ' v e g o t the w r o n g p e r s o n . I swear on m y life. O n my mother's life.'

'What! Why?' 'It's an a s h r a m . '

H e let g o of m e , a n d snarled. ' S c u m . Y o u fucking s c u m . ' T h e n he s p a t on my s h o e s , a n d left. T h e hotel receptionist s h o u t e d something at him in H i n d i , and in r e s p o n s e he tossed a few b a n k n o t e s on t o the g r o u n d as he d i s a p p e a r e d a r o u n d the corner.

'An a s h r a m ? What's an a s h r a m when it's at h o m e ? ' 'It's a H i n d u place of"retreat for meditation, reflection and spiritual furtherance.' 'Spiritual furtherance}

W h a t are y o u talking a b o u t ? '

' L o o k - I don't w a n t to g o over this g r o u n d with y o u a g a i n . Y o u ' r e obviously impervious to . . . to what this

I r e a r r a n g e d my shirt a n d tried to get m y breath b a c k .

country is trying to teach y o u , a n d I think w e should just

T h e entire c o u r t y a r d w a s silent, a n d everyone w a s staring

stick with the facts. I a m going to g o to the a s h r a m with

at m e . I tried to chuckle a n d say that the guy w a s a loony,

Fee a n d C a z . '

but n o s o u n d w o u l d c o m e o u t of my m o u t h . I then noticed that L i z , F e e a n d C a z h a d w a t c h e d the

'For t w o w e e k s ? ' 'For at least t w o weeks.'

w h o l e thing from a balcony a b o v e . L i z , I could tell, w a s

'Well that's that, then.'

a l m o s t wetting herself with delight, but w a s straining every

'What's w h a t ? '

facial muscle to keep her p l e a s u r e hidden behind the s m u g ,

'You've a b a n d o n e d m e . T h a t ' s it. I'm o n my o w n . '

d i s a p p o i n t e d , told-you-so l o o k that w a s plastered over her features.

' N o , you're not. I realize y o u don't w a n t to c o m e to the a s h r a m with u s , but w e c a n a l w a y s meet u p . . .'

Fee a n d C a z , j u d g i n g by a p p e a r a n c e s , just felt sorry for

' T o o s o d d i n g right I'm n o t c o m i n g to an a s h r a m . I don't

me.

w a n t to get b r a i n w a s h e d by s o m e bunch o f H a r e K r i s h n a

I h a d barely recovered f r o m my b r u s h with death when Liz

near . . .'

loony mental h e a d c a s e s . N o w a y . I'm not g o i n g anywhere descended f r o m the temple that w a s Fee a n d C a z ' s r o o m to give m e 'some news'.

'Stop. S T O P ! I don't w a n t to hear this. Y o u r prejudices are . . .'

'What? W h a t is it?' I s a i d , still feeling a little rattled. 'I've m a d e a decision. T h e r e ' s something I have to do.'

' P R E J U D I C E S ! I'm not prejudiced - 1 just don't w a n t to end u p running a r o u n d Leicester S q u a r e with a shaved h e a d telling everyone I love them.'

'What?'

' T h a t , D a v e , is called prejudice, in case y o u didn't k n o w

118

119

w h a t the w o r d m e a n s . We're talking a b o u t a w h o l e religion here, followed by h u n d r e d s of millions of p e o p l e , and all you can think of is s o m e . . . s o m e . . . typically twisted Western manifestation of an E a s t e r n philosophy. Y o u are 50 c l o s e d - m i n d e d , I really don't k n o w why you even bothered

Whatever you s a y , y o u simply can't offend me, you . . . you slimy little P I E C E O F S H I T ! Y O U T U R D ! Y O U FEEBLE

MOANING

CYNICAL

PATHETIC

PSEUDO-LAD PISS-HOLE FAKE! I HATE YOU AND I NEVER W A N T T O SEE YOU AGAIN YOU F U C K I N G A R S E H O L E ! YOU M A K E M E SICK!'

c o m i n g here.' 'Because you p e r s u a d e d me to.' 'Don't give me that. Y o u wanted to c o m e . ' 'Only so I could be with you. A n d n o w you're deserting me.' 'I'm following a calling. Y o u ' r e welcome to join m e , or to meet me a f t e r w a r d s , but I a m not g o i n g to sacrifice this o p p o r t u n i t y just for the s a k e of your petty-mindedness.' 'And I'm not just g o i n g to h a n g a r o u n d waiting for you. We've got an itinerary to keep up with. T h e r e ' s a w h o l e country out there that I c a m e here to see. I can't just w a s t e all my time here, can I? I'd go m a d . There's no point in c o m i n g to India and not seeing anything. I've g o t to get m o v i n g . I have to get to G o a . ' 'Impatience is a typically Western state of mind. Y o u don't realize it, but you've b e c o m e a self-parody.' 'I've b e c o m e a self-parody? T h a t ' s hilarious!' 'What d o you m e a n by that?' ' Y o u . . . you . . . you've just become an arsehole. T h a t ' s the only w a y of putting it. A n d you haven't even got enough personality to b e c o m e a self-parody. Y o u ' v e b e c o m e a p a r o d y of s o m e o n e else. Despite the fact that F i o n a is one of the biggest bullshitters ever to w a l k this earth, you have decided to try and turn yourself into her! It's p a t h e t i c ' 'If you had said that to me a week a g o , I w o u l d have got angry. Fortunately for y o u , in the last few d a y s I have m a d e significant p r o g r e s s , and have c o m e to k n o w myself well e n o u g h for a pathetic little shit like you to be u n a b l e to get to me. M y real self is simply impervious to the likes of you.

IZO

weird sensation - for the m o m e n t a bit exciting, but I could tell that once I got used to it, it would be awful. O u r p l a n h a d been t o s t o p in U d a i p u r , A h m e d a b a d a n d

Cross-cultural interchange

B o m b a y before w e g o t to G o a , but I decided t o ditch the original itinerary a n d h e a d straight there. T h i s m e a n t that I w o u l d b e g o i n g half-way d o w n the entire country in one g o , but I couldn't f a c e s t o p p i n g in p l a c e s w h e r e I might end u p in s o m e hotel on m y o w n , without a n y other travellers. I m e a n , there'd b e some p e o p l e in each of t h o s e p l a c e s , but I'd already learned that in b i g t o w n s , travellers weren't very friendly. A n d I didn't even really w a n t t o see U d a i p u r ,

A n d s o it w a s that I ended u p on my o w n . R a n j h a d been

A h m e d a b a d a n d B o m b a y , anyway. I m e a n , a city's a city.

k i d n a p p e d by his family, L i z h a d b e c o m e a H a r e K r i s h n a ,

If I could just grit my teeth and m a k e it on my o w n to

a n d J e r e m y w a s just a l o s t c a u s e as a h u m a n being. Other

G o a , I'd be able t o h a n g o u t there a n d meet s o m e new

t h a n them, there w a s n o one I knew in the entire country.

people. I w a s b o u n d to find s o m e o n e w h o ' d travel with

By this stage I w a s b o r e d of Pushkar. After the a r g u m e n t

me. M a y b e even a female. A lot of that kind of thing went

with L i z I felt that I o u g h t to get m o v i n g in o r d e r to give the impression that I w a s n ' t frightened o f being alone, but the fact w a s , even the thought

on in G o a , apparently. I turned to the m a p of India at the front of T h e B o o k

o f travelling o n my o w n

and w o r k e d o u t f r o m the scale that the width of my little

m a d e my already loose b o w e l s t a k e on the character of a

finger c o r r e s p o n d e d to roughly t w o h u n d r e d miles. I then

deflating balloon.

m e a s u r e d P u s h k a r to G o a , a n d it c a m e o u t at six little-

I did not want to be on my o w n . I just didn't. T h e r e w a s

finger-widths.

T h a t couldn't be right. O n e t h o u s a n d t w o

only one thing in the w o r l d that would have been w o r s e

hundred miles? I didn't even k n o w the w h o l e country w a s

than being alone, a n d that w a s being with J e r e m y .

that length.

P u s h k a r w a s such a small place that it didn't even have a

journey. B u t it w o u l d be worth it in the end. After all, I

Whatever. I closed the b o o k . T h i s w a s clearly a long railway station. T h e nearest one w a s a few h o u r s a w a y by

still h a d precisely t w o h u n d r e d c o n d o m s left. (Fortunately,

b u s , in Ajmer. A s I w a l k e d alone to the P u s h k a r b u s station

the c o n d o m s were in my r u c k s a c k , a n d whatever h a p p e n e d

to buy myself a ticket to Ajmer, I felt like o n e o f those o l d

when we finally s e p a r a t e d , I w a s g o i n g to m a k e d a m n sure

men w h o a m b l e a r o u n d in p a r k s feeding d u c k s , e a t i n g

that I t o o k all of them with me.)

s a n d w i c h e s out of a p a p e r b a g a n d trying to t a l k to strangers. T h i s w a s bleak. Nineteen y e a r s o l d , a n d I a l r e a d y felt like

With a ticket to A j m e r in m y m o n e y belt, I spent the rest

a lonely pensioner.

of the d a y p h r a s i n g m y farewell speech to L i z , a n d finally

I couldn't recall ever h a v i n g felt lonely before. It w a s a

122

settled on:

123

'I realize that things have been difficult, a n d that whatever

of them with the C e l l o p h a n e still intact, a n d felt briefly

h a p p e n s we'll never be able to say that we p a r t e d on the

p a r a l y s e d . I w a s a failure. M y life w a s a mess. I belonged

friendliest of terms - but I just w a n t you to k n o w that I

in a monastery.

forgive you for what you've done to me, a n d I won't hold

H o w e v e r miserable I felt, it d a w n e d on me that missing

it against you that you a b a n d o n e d me. I wish you all the

my bus wasn't g o i n g to i m p r o v e the situation, so I forced

best on your spiritual journey, and I thank you for giving

myself to repack my b a g and head for the b u s station. I

me the opportunity to travel alone in A s i a . '

arrived a l m o s t a q u a r t e r of an hour late, but fortunately

Unfortunately, when I w o k e up the following m o r n i n g ,

the bus w a s still there. T o my horror, though, I s a w that

she h a d already left. I f o u n d a note on the floor of the r o o m

the front three seats of the bus were already occupied by

which said,

L i z , Fee a n d C a z . M y seat w a s in the r o w directly behind them, and as I g o t on, Fee a n d C a z smiled at me in the way you'd smile

D,

at a naughty leper. L i z l o o k e d the other way.

Bye.

D e s p i t e the fact that it w a s only a short journey, C a z m a n a g e d to p u k e out of the w i n d o w twice. D u e to the speed of the b u s , a significant portion of vomit flew out of

Peace,

her w i n d o w and b a c k in through mine, splattering me in L.

the face. H o w a p t , I thought, as I wiped half-digested flakes of

I c r u m p l e d up the note angrily, then decided that I w a n t e d

lentil from my face. First you steal my travelling partner,

to keep it and flattened it out on the floor, folded it up a n d

then you p u k e in my face. D o you have any other desires?

slipped it into T h e B o o k .

W o u l d you like to c r a p in my bed?

With a start, I realized that I h a d overslept a n d w a s late for my bus. Liz h a d normally taken charge of the

Ajmer isn't the kind of p l a c e where you'd actually want to

getting-up-in-time-to-catch-buses

stay, a n d given that Fee, Liz a n d C a z were on the s a m e bus

side of things. Shit. In

fact, she h a d taken charge of everything.

a s me to Ajmer, it seemed a fair bet they'd be heading on

I got dressed, threw the stray piles of scattered clothes

s o m e w h e r e else by train. W e didn't s p e a k on the b u s , not

into my p a c k , put my shoes on, checked under the bed,

even, for e x a m p l e , to a p o l o g i z e for vomit shrapnel, so the

then p a u s e d for a second, threw my stuff out on to the bed

details of their o n w a r d journey remained a mystery.

and counted the c o n d o m b o x e s . Y u p . T h o u g h t so. T h e r e

T h e b u s stand in A j m e r turned out to be small a n d a l m o s t empty of buses. T h i s m a d e it pretty clear that they were

were t w o missing. S o m e fucking a s h r a m she w a s visiting. T y p i c a l . S o that's

g o i n g to be continuing their journey by rail. T h e bus station

what she meant by spiritual furtherance. Absolutely typical.

w a s on the o p p o s i t e side of town to the railway station,

I c o n t e m p l a t e d the pile of c o n d o m b o x e s on the bed, all

a n d having seen the three of them squeeze into a rickshaw

124

125

with their r u c k s a c k s , I got a s e p a r a t e r i c k s h a w on my o w n

'And what are they going to d o ? '

and followed them a c r o s s town.

' T h a t depends on what I tell them you've done.'

I lost sight of them d u r i n g the journey, only to find them a g a i n at the railway station, right in front of m e in the

' O h , Liz. Give m e a b r e a k . ' ' N o - you give me a b r e a k . '

queue for trains heading south to U d a i p u r . N o n e of them

' L o o k - 1 don't k n o w what we're a r g u i n g a b o u t , because

turned r o u n d to look at me, but I could tell that my presence

I haven't got the slightest interest in following you off the

had been registered by the w a y they all stiffened up a n d

train a n d g o i n g to y o u r s o r d i d little b r a i n w a s h i n g centre.

started exchanging fevered whispers.

I a m going, like I s a i d , to U d a i p u r . '

After a b o u t ten minutes, L i z spun r o u n d , bright red with

'I'm not interested in your lies any m o r e , D a v i d . J u s t remember, I'm calling the police if this carries on any

anger.

longer.'

'Are you following u s ? ' 'No.' ' J u s t tell me why you're d o i n g this, D a v e . Precisely what d o you think you're getting out of this?'

When I got to the front of the queue, I tried to explain to the ticket-seller that I w a n t e d to be in a different c o m p a r t ­

'Nothing. I'm just travelling south, and this is the way.'

ment to the three English girls. It t o o k ages for him to get

'Is it s o m e twisted f o r m of revenge?'

what I w a s on a b o u t , but eventually he sighed, n o d d e d and

'I don't k n o w what you're talking a b o u t . Where else a m

told m e that he u n d e r s t o o d .

I g o i n g to g o ? B a c k up to Delhi?'

I p a i d for the ticket, a n d he p a s s e d it under the glass with a huge wink, saying that he'd put me as close as possible.

'Very funny.'

O n the train, I w a s greeted with m o r e frosty glances and

'It wasn't a j o k e . ' ' Y o u ' r e not going to intimidate us, you k n o w . '

rigid turned b a c k s . I felt as if I'd already finished with the

'I'm not trying to intimidate y o u , for G o d ' s s a k e . I'm

lonely-pensioner p h a s e and w a s n o w a dirty old m a n in a

just m a k i n g my w a y t o . . . t o . . . U d a i p u r a n d A h m e d a b a d . ' She eyed me suspiciously. 'I thought you said you were going to G o a . '

mac. After a while, the m a n sitting next to m e smiled a n d said, ' T h e s e girls your friend?'

' Y e a h , well I'm s t o p p i n g on the w a y , aren't I? I'm not

H e w a s w e a r i n g a green polyester shirt, blotched with

just interested in travellers' h a n g - o u t s you k n o w . I w a n t to

s w e a t , a n d l o o k e d as if he h a d recently w a s h e d his hair in

see the real India.'

lard. W e were w e d g e d up against one another on the seat,

She eyed me even m o r e suspiciously.

but whenever I tried to create a little s p a c e between us, his

'We're getting off before U d a i p u r - I'm not telling you

fat o o z e d o u t w a r d s to fill the g a p .

where - but if you get off at the s a m e station a s u s , I'm

' N o . N o t my friends,' I replied.

calling the police.'

' Y o u go talk with girls, yes?'

' Y e a h , right.'

' N o . N o talk with girls.'

'I'm not joking.'

'Why?'

126

127

'They no my friend.'

'Where are you f r o m ? '

T h e m a n l o o k e d at me as if I w a s certifiably insane,

'England.' ~

partly because I had slipped into a pidgin English even

'Ahh. E n g l a n d very g o o d . W h a t is your j o b ? '

w o r s e than his, but mainly, I s u p p o s e , because I s h o w e d

'Student.'

no interest in talking to the girls.

'Are you married?'

'They no g o o d girls,' I said, h o p i n g to explain myself. 'They beautiful girls,' he replied with a huge, goggle-eyed leer.

'No.' 'Ah, very g o o d . ' I w a s really meeting the locals now. T a l k a b o u t cross-

'Believe me, they are pains in the arse beyond belief.'

cultural interchange - this w a s fascinating.

'Hello, w h a t ? ' 'Bad girls. B a d girls.'

A few hours later, when L i z , Fee and C a z left the train, I

'Bad girls fun.'

pretended not to notice. T h e y tried to d o it slowly and

' N o . N o t these ones. N o b l o o d y fun whatsoever.'

unobtrusively, but I s a w that the second they hit the plat­

H e w o b b l e d his head in s y m p a t h y , obviously still think­

f o r m , they sprinted off through the station, then out of

ing that I w a s insane.

sight.

'What is your g o o d n a m e ? ' he said. 'Dave.'

N o w I really w a s alone. T h e lard-hair m a n clicked his tongue against the roof of

'Where are you from?'

his m o u t h , n o d d e d u p w a r d s , flicked the fingers of his right

'England.'

h a n d o u t w a r d s a n d s a i d , 'Beautiful girls.'

'Ahh. E n g l a n d very g o o d . Are you married?'

S o m e h o w , I u n d e r s t o o d what he meant. In the inter­

'No.'

national l a n g u a g e of greasy sex-starved men, those gestures

'What is your job?'

s a i d , 'Unlucky, m a t e - they were out of our league anyway.'

'Student.'

I clicked my t o n g u e , n o d d e d u p w a r d s a n d shrugged.

'Ah, very g o o d . '

H e laughed a n d p a t t e d me on the knee.

At this point, we ran out of s t e a m . T h e r e w a s a long silence. I realized I ought to have a s k e d the s a m e questions b a c k , but I s o m e h o w didn't have the energy. T h e silence w a s b r o k e n when the m a n sitting o p p o s i t e me, w h o l o o k e d s o ill I didn't wa n t to touch him, leaned f o r w a r d a n d tried to s h a k e my hand. 'Hello,' I said, with a little w a v e . ' G o o d d a y , sir,' he replied, s h a k i n g my leg. 'What is your good name?' 'Dave.'

128

It w a s slightly depressing to realize that I s p o k e G r e a s y Sex-Starved M a n so

fluently.

in m o s t big Indian stations), and w o u l d get a train the next morning, further south to A h m e d a b a d . I turned b a c k inside and joined the queue at a ticket

And I'm not from Surrey

kiosk. All the second-class seats were taken for the train to A h m e d a b a d , so as p a r t of my emotional-welfare c a m p a i g n I decided to s p l a s h out on a first-class ticket. T h i s cost four entire d a y s ' w o r t h of budget, but at least it m a d e me feel better. T h i s time the sensation of well-being lasted several whole seconds, before depression rushed in a g a i n .

T h e train terminated in U d a i p u r , a n d I w a s one of the last

M y Retiring R o o m , I discovered, w a s clean a n d well-

p e o p l e to leave the c o m p a r t m e n t . Stepping out on to the

ordered, which s o m e h o w depressed me just as much as if

d a r k p l a t f o r m , I saw that the station w a s a l m o s t deserted.

it h a d been dirty. T h e precision of the r o o m a n d the empti­

A l m o s t deserted by Indian s t a n d a r d s , that is - which m e a n s

ness of the bed next to me, the pattern on the floor, the

that there are so few people a r o u n d , you can occasionally

hole in the mesh over the w i n d o w , the s h a p e of my r u c k s a c k

discern the o d d inch of floor visible beneath the swirling

- suddenly everything I looked at seemed to contribute to

heaps of humanity.

m a k i n g me feel w o r s e .

F r o m the station forecourt, I t o o k a l o o k at the c a b s and

I decided to try a n d cheer myself up by writing a p o s t c a r d

r i c k s h a w s . Despite the hour of the day, the city l o o k e d

h o m e . I found a c r u m p l e d picture of M a n a l i at the b o t t o m

busy. B e c a u s e of my final conversation with L i z , I felt as if

of my p a c k a n d sat myself at a rickety writing-table in the

I ought to visit slightly m o r e than just the railway station.

corner of the r o o m .

A driver c a m e up to me a n d tried to d r a g me to his rick­ s h a w , but I reacted so angrily he retreated. T h i s m a d e me realize, fleetingly, that J e r e m y h a d been right a b o u t h o w you learn to be so brutal with p e o p l e that they leave you alone. A n d you don't even notice yourself changing - it just sud­ denly d a w n s on you that you're getting hassled much less. T h i s thought provided m e with a few tenths of a second of h a p p i n e s s , before I began to feel depressed a g a i n . I knew it w a s i m p o r t a n t not to let myself get into a d o w n w a r d

Dear Mum & Dad, Udaipur is a fascinating and colourful city in the southern part of Rajasthan. I've just arrived here, and am hoping to visit the Lake Palace Hotel tomorrow, where a bit from one of the James Bond films was filmed. Liz has ditched me and run off with two Sloanes, so I'm now all on my own and am feeling severely depressed. My stomach also feels a bit weird, so I think I'm probably about to get ill, which isn't very good timing, because there's no one to look after me now. Don't worry, though. I'm sure things will be fine soon.

spiral, s o I decided to allow myself a little indulgence. I

love, Dave

wasn't going to bother with U d a i p u r . I w a s g o i n g to take a 'Retiring R o o m ' in the station (there are hotel-type r o o m s

130

PS How are things at home?

131

I perched the card on top of my b a c k p a c k , put the light

Retiring R o o m s perpetually filling my brain. I thought b a c k ,

out a n d went to bed. T h e sheets seemed relatively clean,

straining to r e m e m b e r if I h a d e a v e s d r o p p e d any tips on

but I w a s in the kind of m o o d where it's i m p o s s i b l e to

meditation f r o m the three girls, but nothing useful c a m e to

forget h o w m a n y people have slept in the s a m e bed, a n d

mind.

the variety of acts that have been enjoyed on the s a m e

I ended up just repeating 'void void void' over a n d over

a b s o r b e n t mattress. I began to feel itchy and needed s o m e ­

again in my h e a d , so obsessively that it blotted out any

thing to take my mind off things.

other w o r d , a n d concentrating all my remaining p o w e r s

H a v i n g switched the light b a c k on, I opened my b o o k

on trying to visualize an empty b o x . I kept on getting

a n d m a n a g e d to take s o m e c o m f o r t from the fact that the

distracted by the feeling that it might actually be w o r k i n g ,

main character w a s obviously having a w o r s e time than

but eventually deduced that I must have fallen asleep from

me (puking his guts out in the M e x i c a n desert and running

the fact that I w a s w a k i n g up and it w a s light.

a r o u n d n a k e d thinking he w a s a d o g ) . I couldn't concentrate

With the new d a y , I found myself feeling marginally

for m o r e than one sentence at a time, though, and ended

happier a n d t o o k b r e a k f a s t in the station restaurant. T h e r e

up just listening to the trains outside my w i n d o w .

was something a bit cool a b o u t being on your own. If

I switched off the light a n d tried to fall asleep, but w a s

nothing else, I felt brave, a n d that at least w a s a positive

distracted by visions of Liz which kept on p o p p i n g into my

feeling. Watching all the other people eating in g r o u p s , I

head. I couldn't stop myself from seeing her sitting a r o u n d

decided that I m u s t l o o k slightly mysterious. T h a t also felt

with Fee a n d C a z , having a l a u g h , meditating, and bitching

g o o d . I'd never really felt mysterious before. A n d , to c a p

a b o u t me. I w a s determined not to d r e a m a b o u t h o w the

it all, my omelette genuinely tasted nice. Y e s — this w a s a

three of them w o u l d have endless fun while I withered a w a y

g o o d day. Y e s t e r d a y h a d been a b a d d a y , but this, I decided,

in lonely hotel r o o m s on my own, a n d I tried to m a k e

w a s g o i n g to be a g o o d day.

myself think a b o u t something else. T h e subject which kept on rushing in to fill the void, however, w a s even w o r s e ,

It wasn't. M y c o m p a r t m e n t from U d a i p u r to A h m e d a b a d

with my brain insisting on d o i n g mental calculations of

w a s shared with a kid w h o s c r e a m e d incessantly, a girl

how m a n y days I'd d o n e , a n d h o w many days I h a d left in

w h o ate incessantly, a boy w h o hit the kid w h o screamed

India. It seemed of crucial i m p o r t a n c e to w o r k out whether

incessantly, their mother w h o hit the kid for c o m p l a i n i n g

or not I w a s m o r e than half-way through, but I didn't really

he w a s being hit by his brother, a n d her h u s b a n d , w h o

w a n t to think a b o u t that either, because there w a s definitely

l o o k e d as if he w a n t e d to kill himself. T h e y were s o noisy

still a long time left, a n d it seemed likely that I w a s going

a n d t o o k up so much space that I spent the entire eleven

to find myself unable to enjoy any of it.

hours feeling like an unwanted social w o r k e r in a psychotic

T h e only w a y to stop my mind swirling with awful

family's living r o o m .

thoughts w a s to try a n d empty it altogether. T h i s p r o v e d

A h m e d a b a d station stank of shit - literally - a n d I h a d

a l m o s t i m p o s s i b l e , with i m a g e s of L i z , Fee, C a z , J e r e m y ,

to reach new pinnacles of threatening a n d lying behaviour

my m u m a n d bizarre A s i a n sex acts in U d a i p u r R a i l w a y

before succeeding in buying my o n w a r d ticket, eventually

132

133

using the pretext that my wife w a s a b o u t to give birth in a

and w a v e d at me. I w a v e d b a c k , but tried to avoid talking

B o m b a y hospital.

to them, because you a l w a y s ended up g o i n g through the

T h i s train finally set off long after d a r k . I w a s feeling

s a m e old 'Hello, w h a t is your g o o d n a m e ? Where are you

fragile, s o as s o o n as the train h a d started moving, I climbed

from? Are you m a r r i e d ? ' c r a p with every single p e r s o n , and

up to my top bunk a n d tried to forget where I w a s . I usually

I just couldn't face it any m o r e .

left my r u c k s a c k under the lowest bed, but with no one

T h e n , after a few minutes, I spotted another white guy,

a r o u n d I trusted, the only w a y to m a k e sure that nothing

right up at the front of the train, near the first-class carriages.

could get stolen w a s to use it as a pillow. T h i s m a d e my

H e w a s sitting on a rail, l o o k i n g d o w n the track t o w a r d s

feet stick out from the b o t t o m of the bed, a n d I ended up

me. T h a n k G o d ! At last - s o m e o n e to talk to!

kicking m o s t of the p e o p l e w a l k i n g u p and d o w n the car­

I w a s a l m o s t j u m p i n g on the spot with delight, a n d gave

riage in the head. S o m e of them got a bit stroppy a b o u t

him a huge w a v e . Although he must have seen my greeting,

this a n d tried to get me to move my b a g , but I pretended

he didn't a c k n o w l e d g e m e , but simply turned his h e a d and

to be either stupid or asleep, or both.

l o o k e d a w a y , out over the s w a m p . A s I a p p r o a c h e d him,

As I d o z e d off, I vaguely remembered s o m e o n e telling me that you should a l w a y s sit cross-legged because it's a dire insult to show the soles of your feet to a H i n d u . I thought this might have something to d o with them being

a l m o s t at a run, he still didn't turn t o w a r d s m e , even though he w o u l d have heard my feet crunching on the stones. I sat on the rail next to him, and just his presence by my side m a d e me feel calmer.

reluctant to have sweaty socks wiped on their forehead, so

'Hi,' I said.

I m a d e a token attempt to curl up. After all, it w o u l d be

H e waited for a while, as if he w a s h o p i n g that I'd go

pretty stupid to get lynched purely because you were trying

a w a y , then, eventually, he turned t o w a r d s me a n d said

to avoid getting r o b b e d .

hello. T h e n he l o o k e d at me. Properly l o o k e d at me. Like

I w o k e at d a w n and did a quick scout of the train for

he w a s e x a m i n i n g my face for something.

other travellers, but couldn't find anyone. I w a s in no m o o d

I couldn't think of anything to d o other than e x a m i n e

to try a n d talk to Indians and spent m o s t of the m o r n i n g

him b a c k . H e w a s quite old - in his mid-thirties or something

hiding up in my bunk feeling lonely and depressed.

- a n d h a d wiry hair forced d o w n into a side parting, with

A r o u n d lunch-time, the train pulled to a s t o p in the

a dense but short b e a r d . His eyes h a d a slightly disturbing

middle of nowhere, a n d after a while p e o p l e started getting

look in them: glazed over, but still s o m e h o w piercing. A n d

out. I h o p p e d d o w n from my bed and followed the c r o w d

he wasn't w e a r i n g the usual traveller g e a r , but w a s actually

out of the d o o r . We were high on an e m b a n k m e n t a b o v e

dressed in trousers a n d a shirt.

a s w a m p , with one other track next to us. I h a d a s s u m e d

'Where are you f r o m ? ' I said.

that p e o p l e were leaving the train to try and find out

' B a n g a l o r e , ' he s a i d , then he watched my reaction. I tried

what w a s happening, but it turned out that everyone w a s

not to have one, but it didn't really w o r k . I w a n t e d to k n o w

contentedly stretching their legs, s m o k i n g , chatting or piss­

where he w a s really f r o m . While I w a s trying to find a way

ing. I w a n d e r e d a r o u n d for a while, and a few p e o p l e smiled

of a s k i n g that wouldn't s o u n d racist, he s a i d , 'Manchester'.

134

135

T h e n , after a while, to fill the g a p , he s a i d , 'Reuters'. I

they s o m e h o w still h a d 'What the fuck?' s t a m p e d across

n o d d e d slowly, a n d to finally cement the hole, he said,

them.

'Journalist'.

' C o n g r e s s ? ' he s a i d .

'Right.'

' U m m m . . .'

T h i s w a s a chatty kind of guy. I wanted to tell him that

' Y o u don't k n o w w h a t C o n g r e s s is?'

he'd obviously spent t o o much of his life writing telegrams

'Yes I d o . '

and should learn s o m e social skills, but he w a s n ' t the kind

'What is it?'

of p e r s o n you could say that to. In fact, he didn't seem to

'It's . . . the . . . p a r l i a m e n t . T h e Indian p a r l i a m e n t . '

be the kind of person you could say anything to.

'It's not the p a r l i a m e n t . Parliament is the L o k S a b h a a n d

It w a s ages since I'd s p o k e n to a p r o p e r . . . you k n o w ,

the R a h j a S a b h a . C o n g r e s s is the ruling party.'

adult. S o m e o n e with a j o b . Other than the Indians - they've

' O h , yeah. Right. O f course. I knew that.'

got j o b s , obviously — I just m e a n s o m e o n e f r o m b a c k

'So you k n o w a b o u t the a r g u m e n t over H a r i j a n q u o t a s ? '

h o m e . A E u r o p e a n with a j o b . S o m e o n e d o i n g something

' N o t exactly.'

real.

' Y o u k n o w w h o the H a r i j a n s are?'

T h i s fact s o m e h o w

m a d e my mind g o blank, a n d I

couldn't think of anything to say to him. Eventually, I said, 'Where are you heading?' ' T o cover the strike,' he s a i d .

'Yes.' 'Who?' 'They're . . . u m . . . the o p p o s i t i o n party.' 'Oh my G o d , this is unbelievable. " H a r i j a n " is the n a m e

I n o d d e d , as if this w a s an answer I u n d e r s t o o d .

for the underclass of Indian society. T h e U n t o u c h a b l e s .

H e kept looking at me, s o I carried on nodding.

T h e p e o p l e who've p r o b a b l y swept every floor that you

' D o y o u k n o w which strike I'm talking a b o u t ? '

have s t o o d on a n d cleaned every toilet you've shat in since

' T h e strike?'

you've been here. They are the H a r i j a n s - as r e n a m e d by

'Yes. T h e strike.'

a certain M a h a t m a G a n d h i . Y o u ' v e heard of him, p e r h a p s ? '

'Um . . . I haven't read a p a p e r for a few d a y s , actually.' H e snorted. ' C o n g r e s s have been a r g u i n g with the B J P over H a r i j a n q u o t a s in higher education, and the M a h a r a s h -

'Yes, t h a n k s , ' I s a i d , with attempted s a r c a s m . 'Probably just seen the film,' he muttered to himself. ' J u s t forget it. Forget it.'

tran S a b h a has been unable to pull off a conclusive vote

T h e n , s h a k i n g his h e a d , he gave every impression of

against the threatened general strike. It's p r o b a b l y all going

forgetting that I w a s there, a n d turned his h e a d a w a y . With

to b l o w up quite s o o n . '

a v a g u e smile on his lips a n d a frown playing a c r o s s his

'Right.' I n o d d e d vociferously. 'Do y o u k n o w what I'm talking a b o u t ? ' ' N o t really, no.'

forehead, he stared out at the s w a m p . T h i s w a s a very rude m a n . I decided that I wasn't going to let myself be humiliated.

' L o o k . I'll start again. C o n g r e s s . . .' I tried to a r r a n g e my features to say, ' G o on . . .', but

136

' L o o k , ' I s a i d , 'you're a professional journalist. It's your job to k n o w these things. I'm just travelling here. It's only

137

a holiday. I don't have to revise for my holidays. I get

c o m e here. If I'm not interested, I shouldn't have taken u p

e n o u g h of that the rest of the year.'

your time.'

H e turned t o w a r d s m e slowly, a n d muttered, still a p p a r ­ ently to himself, ' Y o u don't have to revise for your holidays.' W a s this his idea of a conversation? H e w a s , without a d o u b t , the m o s t impolite m a n I h a d ever met. After a while, he said it a g a i n , slightly louder, with strange e m p h a s i s .

' O h , right, I see. Very clever.' I looked a w a y a n d tried to ignore him. D o w n the t r a c k , c r o w d s of p e o p l e were still chatting a n d s m o k i n g , with no a p p a r e n t sign of the train m o v i n g o n . Even though I hadn't exactly hit it off with the journalist, I decided to stay put. I wasn't ready to be on my o w n a g a i n .

' Y o u don't have to revise for your holidays.'

'I might d o an article on y o u , ' he said.

' T h a t ' s right. I don't have to revise for my holidays. D o

'What?'

you have a p r o b l e m with that?'

'I might write a b o u t y o u . '

' N o , ' he s a i d , smiling at m e . 'I think it's very a c c u r a t e . '

' A b o u t me? W h a t have y o u g o t to say a b o u t m e ? '

'Accurate. What d o y o u m e a n , accurate?'

'I'm not sure. Tell me - what d o y o u d o all d a y ? '

'University of Life. Y e a r O n e — A d v a n c e d Adventure

'What d o I d o ? '

P l a y g r o u n d s . Part O n e E x a m - g o to the T h i r d W o r l d

'Yes. W h a t d o e s your a v e r a g e d a y consist o f ? '

a n d survive. N o revision, interest, intellect or sensitivity

'Are you t a k i n g the piss?'

required.'

' N o . I'm just c u r i o u s . '

T h i s guy w a s unbelievable. ' L o o k . Y o u don't k n o w anything a b o u t m e . Y o u don't k n o w why I'm here. Y o u don't k n o w what I think. Y o u don't have any interest in why I've decided to c o m e a n d w h a t it m e a n s to m e , s o y o u . . . you . . . you've g o t no

I g a v e him a suspicious look. ' Y o u k n o w - I'm travelling. I'm a b a c k p a c k e r . ' 'But what d o y o u d o all day? H o w c o m e you don't get bored?' 'Bored? Y o u could never get bored here.'

right to m a k e p r o n o u n c e m e n t s a b o u t my . . . my journey

'What d o y o u do, though? In each p l a c e . '

. . . a n d my . . . character. Right?'

H e l o o k e d genuinely interested.

H e n o d d e d , still smiling. ' Y o u ' r e absolutely right. I don't

'Well, y o u get there. L o o k for a hotel. H a n g o u t there

k n o w anything a b o u t y o u . N o t h i n g at all. A n d yet I turn

for a bit. L o o k a r o u n d t o w n for a few d a y s . E a t . R e a d .

up here a n d m a k e j u d g e m e n t s a b o u t your character right

Sleep. T a l k to the other travellers. T h i n k a b o u t where t o

out of the blue. It's terrible.'

g o next, then — you k n o w - it's a big hassle to get the tickets

H e eyed m e with an inquisitive look, b u t I didn't k n o w what he w a s on a b o u t , so I just tried to stare him out. ' Y o u ' r e absolutely

right. I'm completely ignorant, a n d

for your next journey, s o y o u p r e p a r e yourself for that, then bite the bullet, spend a morning queuing for tickets, and the next d a y y o u m o v e o n . '

yet I c o m e here, sit next to y o u , spend a few fleeting m o m e n t s

'Right. S o the m o s t significant a n d challenging thing y o u

in y o u r c o m p a n y , then g o a w a y feeling that I've learned

d o in each place is to buy the tickets for getting to the next

s o m e t h i n g a b o u t y o u . It's a p p a l l i n g . I shouldn't even have

place.'

138

139

'Why did you run the whole length of the train to c o m e

' N o . I didn't say that.' 'Yes you did.'

a n d talk to m e , then? D o you think I'm the only p e r s o n

' L o o k - forget it. Y o u ' r e obviously only interested in

here w h o s p e a k s English?'

taking the piss, so I don't see why I should help you write your c r a p p y little feature. You'll have to talk to s o m e o n e

' N o . . . I just wanted a bit of . . . L o o k — it's easy for you to c o m e out with this kind of P C c r a p when you stay in cosy e x p e n s e - a c c o u n t hotels. If you spent a bit of time

a bit m o r e gullible.' 'It's fine. I've got m o r e than enough material already.'

with real travellers, y o u ' d see that there are a lot of p e o p l e

'Like w h a t ? W h a t are you going to write a b o u t me, then?'

w h o try a n d rip us off. Y o u have to be a bit suspicious. It's

'I think . . . something a b o u t how it's not hippies on a

basic self-defence.'

spiritual mission w h o c o m e here any m o r e , just m o r o n s on a poverty-tourism adventure holiday. T h e real point w o u l d

'Real travellers. Y o u ' r e priceless. I'm going to have to put that in.'

have to be a b o u t h o w g o i n g to India isn't an act of rebellion

'Forget it. Y o u ' r e not even listening to me. I just think

these d a y s , it's actually a form of conformity for a m b i t i o u s

that your kind of . . . of . . . cynicism is really s a d . T h e r e ' s

middle-class kids w h o w a nt to be able to put something

a lot m o r e to w h a t I'm d o i n g than you think.'

on their C V that s h o w s a bit of initiative. All the top

' Y e a h , sure.'

c o m p a n i e s wa n t r o b o t s with initiative these d a y s , a n d

'At least I'm trying. M o s t people are h a p p y to . . . to stay

c o m i n g to the T h i r d W o r l d is the ideal h o o p for you to

totally ignorant a b o u t the T h i r d W o r l d . At least I've c o m e

leap through. Y o u c o m e here a n d cling to each other a s if

here.'

you're on s o m e kind of extended

management-bonding

exercise in E p p i n g Forest. T h e n , having got the nasty

'And no one could call you ignorant.' ' T h a t ' s it. I've h a d enough of this. I'm off.'

business of travel out of the w a y , you can g o h o m e and

I s t o o d up a n d s t o m p e d back t o w a r d s my c o m p a r t m e n t .

p r o v e to employers that you're m o r e than ready to settle

After a r e a s o n a b l e distance h a d opened up between u s , I

d o w n for a life of drudgery. I s u p p o s e you could call it a

turned r o u n d for one last look at him. ' A N D I ' M

m o d e r n f o r m of ritual circumcision - it's a b a d g e of suffering

F R O M S U R R E Y , ' I yelled.

y o u have to wear to be w e l c o m e d into the tribe of Britain's

NOT

H e gave me a huge grin and an e n o r m o u s w a v e . ' E N J O Y

future elite. Y o u r kind of travel is all a b o u t low horizons

THE

dressed up as o p e n - m i n d e d n e s s . Y o u have no interest in

'DON'T

India, a n d no sensitivity for the p r o b l e m s this country is

DOWN

REST

OF

YOUR

FORGET

TO

H O L I D A Y ! ' he PUT

YOUR

shouted.

BIG

TRIP

O N T H E CV!'

trying to face up to. Y o u also treat Indians with a mixture

I gave him the finger.

of c o n t e m p t and suspicion which is reminiscent of the

The

locomotive

soon

gave

a

hoot,

and

everyone

Victorian colonials. Y o u r presence here, in my opinion, is

s c r a m b l e d b a c k on b o a r d with the train already crawling

offensive. T h e whole lot of you should fuck off b a c k to

into motion. I l o o k e d a r o u n d the c o m p a r t m e n t for s o m e o n e

Surrey.'

to talk to. Determined to p r o v e the journalist w r o n g , I

' T h a t ' s . . . that's bollocks. I respect the Indians.'

140

decided to m a k e an effort with one of the locals. A guy

141

diagonally o p p o s i t e m e h a d a couple of pens sticking o u t

s t a n d i n g u p a n d shouting a t him t o turn it d o w n . When I

of his t o p pocket a n d l o o k e d reasonably e d u c a t e d , s o it

did this, everyone o n the b u s stared at m e a s if I w a s m a d .

seemed like a fair a s s u m p t i o n that he w o u l d s p e a k English.

Apparently, it w a s c o m m o n practice for b u s drivers to play

I smiled at him.

music to help keep themselves a w a k e while they d r o v e

'Hello, my friend,' he s a i d .

through the night. A t o n e of o u r innumerable stops, I

'Hello,' I s a i d .

b o u g h t a b o x of biscuits from a r o a d - s i d e stall s o that I

'What is your g o o d n a m e ? '

could tear off strips of c a r d b o a r d in order to improvize a

'David.'

pair of e a r - p l u g s , which, it turned o u t , didn't m a k e any

'Where are y o u f r o m ? '

difference to the noise, kept on falling o u t , a n d gave m e

'England.'

sore ears. I also ate all the biscuits in o n e g o , just to try

'Are y o u married?'

a n d t a k e my mind off things, which m a d e m e feel sick. T h e

'No.'

bus b r o k e d o w n half-way through the following d a y , a n d

'What is your p r o f e s s i o n ? '

I ended u p hitching to Panjim (the capital of G o a ) in the

'I'm a student.'

b a c k of a truck, with a pile of axles for my seat. In a

' O h , very g o o d . '

delirium of anger, frustration, loneliness a n d arse pain, I

H e r e we g o , I thought. S a m e o l d c r a p .

just a b o u t m a n a g e d t o face the o n e final leg of the journey,

I r e s p o n d e d with a few token questions, a n d before I k n e w

which w a s t o take a local b u s o u t of the city to the beach.

it I w a s stuck a s the audience for a

Mahabharata-length

discourse on the paths taken by his G o d - k n o w s - h o w - m a n y -

I didn't care where it w a s going, or which resort I ended up in, as long a s there w a s a beach.

hundred sons through the Indian civil service. T h i s lasted

I h a d clearly been w r o n g a b o u t the joys of travelling.

until we arrived in B o m b a y . H e tried to invite m e to his

Getting f r o m o n e place to another w a s , without any d o u b t

house for supper, but I m a n a g e d to s h a k e him off, saying

at all, the c r a p bit. T h e journeys, quite clearly, were n o t

that I w a s in a hurry to meet s o m e o n e .

the point - particularly if y o u tried to d o six little-fingerwidths o f India in o n e g o .

In B o m b a y , I only needed t o t a k e o n e sniff o f the city to realize that I couldn't face staying, a n d w a l k e d to the nearest travel agent to buy a ticket for the first b u s to G o a (quicker than the train at a mere sixteen h o u r s , a c c o r d i n g to T h e B o o k ) . T h e b u s w a s d u e to leave in t w o h o u r s , actually left in four h o u r s , and t o o k three m o r e h o u r s to reach the edge of B o m b a y . O n c e w e reached the open r o a d , it w a s already after midnight, s o I decided to try a n d fall asleep just a s the driver p u t a tape of H i n d i musicals o n at t o p volume. T h i s tape played all night, periodically interrupted by m e

142

didn't seem like a g o o d enough reason to close the w h o l e place d o w n . Everything looked fine to me. It w a s beautiful. I could have a great time here. T h e r e w a s nothing w r o n g

Comfortably numb

with it at all. A p a r t f r o m the fact that I w a s the only p e r s o n there. I w a n d e r e d up a n d d o w n the beach for a while, but it wasn't long before I got bored. N o t y a w n - b o r e d , m o r e what's-the-point-of-being-alive

b o r e d . I sat in the s a n d ,

looked out at the ocean a n d had a g o o d r u m m a g e a r o u n d my e m o t i o n s . H e r e I w a s , in a beautiful place, utterly c a l m , unwinding after a long and difficult journey, relishing a T h e m o n s o o n travels in a wide b a n d n o r t h w a r d s through

well-earned rest with no one telling me what to d o , no

India. A s it gets started in the H i m a l a y a s , it will be tailing

stress, a c o m f o r t a b l e and cheap hotel r o o m , a n d no Indians

a w a y d o w n at the southern tip of India. I h a d c a u g h t the

hassling me. But although I felt m o r e relaxed, satisfied a n d

beginnings of it up north, but n o w , having travelled one

confident than I h a d done since landing in India, I also felt

t h o u s a n d t w o hundred miles south, I found myself in the

m o r e miserable than I could ever remember. An

middle of the country, in the middle of the m o n s o o n .

e m b r a c i n g loneliness s q u a t t e d over me a n d g a v e me a

I h a d ended up in one of the largish resorts, called C o l v a

all-

strange feeling that my w h o l e life w a s a s h a m a n d I w a s a

Beach, but at first sight it seemed deserted. T h e r e were still

tosser who didn't have any real friends. I h a d got what I

plenty of Indians a r o u n d , but I couldn't really m a k e out

deserved. Isolation and misery. I w a s t h o u s a n d s of miles

any other travellers. A n d m o s t of the hotels seemed to be

a w a y from anyone w h o cared a b o u t me, a n d even the

closed.

people w h o cared a b o u t me p r o b a b l y didn't, because they

I found one place f r o m T h e B o o k that w a s o p e n and

had no idea where on earth I w a s . If I died t o m o r r o w , no

t o o k a r o o m . Even though it w a s only mid afternoon, I

one w o u l d give a toss. A n d w h o could b l a m e p e o p l e for

went instantly to bed.

hating m e , when I w a s a selfish, thoughtless, ignorant

After a monolithic sleep, I w o k e up well into the next

h u m a n being - an arsehole, a c o w a r d a n d a loser.

m o r n i n g a n d took my first p r o p e r l o o k at the p l a c e . T h e r e

A s I thought a b o u t this, I began to detect that a weirdly

were lots of hotels a n d b a r s , but mostly with the shutters

p l e a s u r a b l e edge h a d crept into my u n h a p p i n e s s . A faint

u p . I w a n d e r e d d o w n a T a r m a c street d u s t e d with s a n d ,

masochistic thrill h a d a p p e a r e d in my self-hatred, tinging

which led me from the hotel, p a s t a deserted t o w n s q u a r e

the whole thing with a kind of bitter-sweet melancholia.

and on to the beach.

A n d when I s a w a vision of myself, as if through a movie

T h e beach w a s a m a z i n g . M i l e s of empty yellow s a n d ,

c a m e r a , sitting on this tropical beach, all on my o w n , with

p a l m trees a l o n g the shore, a n d . . . well, the sea. T h e sky

bitter-sweet melancholia etched on my features, I suddenly

w a s overcast, a n d the air w a s a little humid, but this really

felt a surge of joy rush through my b o d y . I w a s fucking

144

145

cool. T h e w h o l e scene could have been part of an aftershave

Indonesian p r i s o n , or h a d done the entire Everest trek

advert. T h i s w a s exactly what you were meant to d o on

dressed in flip-flops and a B o n d a i Beach T-shirt.

your year off. T h i s w a s it - this w a s the m o m e n t . I w a s finding

myself.

T h e y hadn't s w a l l o w e d any of the hippie M o t h e r India c r a p , but h a d just gone all over A s i a acting like A u s t r a l i a n s

I suddenly felt so elated that I a l m o s t started to cry,

and generally drinking lots of beer and having a laugh.

which seemed like a strange reaction, because they weren't

Even though I didn't like them, I h a d to admit that they

h a p p y tears,

were pretty cool.

they were

what's-the-point-of-being-alive

tears. I instantly felt pissed off with myself for h a v i n g spoilt

F o r the first time, I kind of wished that I'd d o n e m o r e

the big m o m e n t by thinking a b o u t crying. F r o m being

travelling. I'd never been jealous of the older travellers

pissed off, it w a s just a short h o p b a c k to being d e p r e s s e d ,

before, because m o s t of them were such t r a n s p a r e n t social

miserable, a n d hating myself a g a i n .

failures. T h e p e o p l e in their thirties w h o were still trudging

I decided that emotional r u m m a g i n g w a s a b a d idea. It

a r o u n d India h a d s o obviously cocked up their entire lives

didn't really get me anywhere. But at least I'd found myself,

that there wasn't much to be jealous of. A n d most travellers

which w a s a bonus.

seemed to be either my age or of the s a d , beardy b a s k e t - c a s e

I spent a week in G o a , since I couldn't face taking on

the mid-to-late-twenties c r o w d that things got a bit scary.

another journey, a n d g r a d u a l l y discovered that there were

T h e r e w a s s o m e t h i n g a b o u t them that a l w a y s m a d e me

a few other travellers a r o u n d . I never really got very far

envious. When they were a r o u n d , I a l w a y s felt like a bit

with any of them, though. N o n e of them were English, a n d

of a child. I couldn't relax when I w a s talking to them,

they were all from that slightly older generation w h o , for

because I w a s a l w a y s worried that something naive w o u l d

s o m e r e a s o n , look d o w n on students. I s p o k e to them all,

slip out.

generation. It w a s when you occasionally b u m p e d into

and on the surface they were friendly e n o u g h , but I couldn't help feeling patronized by them.

T h e r e w a s only one evening in G o a when I really enjoyed myself, a n d that w a s when one of the Aussies a l m o s t got

T h e r e w a s a little g a n g of A u s s i e b l o k e s w h o were quite

into a fight with a Swiss hippie. It w a s quite late, a n d

a g o o d l a u g h , but they were all well into their twenties,

everyone h a d been drinking for several h o u r s in the resort's

and h a d an annoyingly m a c h o w a y of being friendly that I

only hang-out: T h e J i m m y H e n d r i x Bar E x p e r i a n c e . T h e

f o u n d a bit intimidating. T h e y a l s o immediately a s s u m e d

Swiss guy w a s talking at the t o p of his voice, trying to

that anyone w h o w a s my age m u s t be i m m a t u r e , a n d I kept

impress s o m e girl with a story a b o u t h o w he'd risked his

on spotting them smirking when I s p o k e , which really got

life trying to get into T i b e t , but how in the end it h a d

on my nerves. I felt I couldn't really talk a b o u t what I'd

proved i m p o s s i b l e .

d o n e , because they'd all been on the r o a d for m o n t h s and

G a r t h , one of the larger A u s t r a l i a n s , interrupted him by

had a m a z i n g stories I couldn't possibly c o m p e t e with -

t a p p i n g him on the shoulder. 'Hey - Pinktrousers,' he said,

a b o u t how they'd got lost in the T h a i jungle with heroin

'could you turn it d o w n a bit. We're trying to play riotous

s m u g g l e r s , h a d fought off kitten-sized c o c k r o a c h e s in on

d r i n k i n g - g a m e s over here.'

146

147

T h i s m a d e all the Aussies (and me) laugh. 'What is this?' replied the Swiss guy. 'It's just a small thing, but (a) you're talking far toe loudly, and (b) you're talking shit.' ' T h i s isn't shit, my friend. I spent a m o n t h a l m o s t starving

' Y o u are a lying, stupid Australian. Everyone k n o w s that T i b e t is closed to travellers.' 'Sure it is -

'I didn't say I stayed there. I just said I got there.'

in a prison in G o l m u d after trying to hitch d o w n into T i b e t

'To Lhasa?'

T h i s is not shit.'

'Sure.'

'Listen m a t e , I don't mean to b r a g , but any arsehole wit! t w o brain cells to rub together k n o w s that the G o l m u d route has been closed for years. I m a n a g e d to get into T i b e t only a few months a g o , using the southern route f r o m Kashgar.'

officially.'

'You're lying. N o one w o u l d let you stay there.'

'You're a bullshitter.' 'It's fucking true, m a t e , s o I suggest you shut up and sit down.' ' Y o u . . . you . . . and I s u p p o s e you've been to B u r m a as well, have y o u ? '

' T h a t ' s bullshit. I researched this route, and it has even m o r e police r o a d - b l o c k s than from G o l m u d . ' ' G o l m u d ' s got a whole e c o n o m y running off travellers

'As it h a p p e n s , yes. I trekked over the border f r o m T h a i l a n d . Stayed a couple of weeks with the

mountain

rebels.'

w h o want to look a s if they've tried to get into T i b e t , but

' T h a t ' s easy. I k n o w hundreds of people who've d o n e

can't actually be arsed to try anything d a n g e r o u s . A n y o n e

that. I trekked into Afghanistan a n d spent a month with

who's serious a b o u t it goes f r o m K a s h g a r . '

the mujahedin.'

'Bullshit. I'm perfectly serious a b o u t T i b e t , but you can't get p a s t the police.'

'Well, bully for you M r Pinktrousers. Y o u ' r e a real hero.' 'Don't be sarcastic with me, Australian idiot.'

' N o t if you sit a r o u n d in cosy G o l m u d a n d act like you're on s o m e p a c k a g e holiday, d o i n g whatever the police tell you.'

'Who are you calling an idiot? I'm not the one

who

couldn't even get into T i b e t . ' 'If you think I believe this story, then y o u are a n idiot.'

' G o l m u d is not cosy!'

'Fuck you.'

'If you're a real traveller, you'll use a bit of initiative a n d

' N o - fuck you.'

t a k e a few educated risks. I hitched a ride with a trucker

' N o - fuck

w h o knew the location of the r o a d - b l o c k s , a n d he d r o p p e d

The t w o of them traded insults for a while longer, with

you.'

me off before each one. I trekked round behind the police,

Pinktrousers eventually

and he picked me up on the other side.'

which is a d a m n g o o d language for insulting people. T h e y

' T h a t ' s not possible. T h i s t a k e s weeks, a n d there are n o t o w n s to buy food.'

switching

into Swiss

German,

were m o m e n t s a w a y from a punch-up when one of the Aussies d r a g g e d G a r t h a w a y , thrust a fresh beer bottle

' D a m n right it takes weeks, a n d I lived off p o r r i d g e which I s h a r e d with the driver, but it's possible. If you really w a n t

into his h a n d , a n d told him that he should take a bit m o r e acid.

to, you can get to T i b e t . '

148

149

After a l m o s t a week of semi-loneliness a n d mild b o r e d o m ,

noon a n d w a s d u e to arrive in B a n g a l o r e a r o u n d the follow­

I b u m p e d into t w o English girls o n the beach, w h o were

ing lunch-time. I w a s s o relieved to be on a train with the

on their s u m m e r holiday from N e w c a s t l e university. O n e

protection of other p e o p l e that I h a d to fight with myself

of them, called Claire, w a s a bit ugly, but her friend S a m

to s t o p the h a p p i n e s s showing through. If I c a m e across a s

w a s a genuine bollock-tighteningly sexy w o m a n — a n d n o t

too pleased to be with them, I thought I'd seem a bit of a

in a n aloof way, either. She honestly didn't seem to realize

loser.

how staggeringly fit she w a s . With her c r o p p e d black hair,

I sat on o n e side of the c o m p a r t m e n t with S a m , while

spindly a r m s , kissable m o u t h a n d twinkling green eyes, s h e

Claire faced us f r o m the o p p o s i t e w i n d o w - s e a t ,

m u s t have been either blind or stupid n o t to fall in love

dozing off over her b o o k . S a m a n d I started chatting the

with herself every time she l o o k e d in a mirror. After the

instant the train pulled out, and after an hour or s o it turned

slowly

a l o o f Australians, it w a s a relief to find s o m e o n e o f roughly

into o n e of those t a l k - a b o u t - y o u r - f a m i l y conversations in

my o w n age w h o I could actually talk to - s o m e o n e willing

which y o u a l w a y s end u p inventing t r a u m a s to try a n d

to sit down a n d have a p r o p e r conversation which didn't

m a k e yourself s o u n d interesting. I described h o w the person

revolve a r o u n d the e x c h a n g e of life-threatening-situation

I loved m o s t in the w o r l d w a s my D o w n ' s s y n d r o m e brother,

anecdotes.

and h o w he w a s far m o r e sensitive to h u m a n emotion than

It turned o u t that they were staying at the next resort

anyone else I knew. She talked a b o u t her boyfriend (boring),

d o w n , but h a d already been there for a l m o s t a fortnight,

then a b o u t her parents a n d h o w she couldn't help feeling

and were p r e p a r i n g to m a k e the journey south to K e r a l a .

that their m a r r i a g e w a s going through a difficult p h a s e ,

I immediately chipped in with a prudent half-lie a n d told

with her mother possibly having a n affair. I n o d d e d a n d

them that I w a s a b o u t to g o to exactly the s a m e place

grunted the o c c a s i o n a l a p p r o v a l , t o o dizzy with lust to

myself. I didn't wa n t to l o o k like t o o much of a s a d git a n d

offer any sensible c o m m e n t s . I m e a n , if her mother w a s

give the impression I w a s d e s p e r a t e to cling o n to them,

into that kind of thing . . .

but the truth w a s that I simply couldn't face d o i n g another

After a while, d u s k started falling a n d the view f r o m

big journey on my o w n . L o o k i n g only mildly enthusiastic

the train b e c a m e incredibly beautiful. Endless paddy-fields

a b o u t the whole idea, they agreed to meet up the following

stretched to the horizon, dotted with children, water buffalo

day to g o off in search of train tickets. I couldn't tell w h a t

and rice f a r m e r s . T h e scene w a s bathed in soft light, a n d

they really thought, b e c a u s e I hadn't given t h e m much of

there w a s a wonderfully peaceful a t m o s p h e r e of p e o p l e

an o p t i o n to turn m e d o w n , but I felt reasonably sure that

finishing off their day's w o r k and heading h o m e . A s the train

I could m a k e them like m e , given enough time.

clattered slowly through village after village, paddy-fields drifted by in an endlessly varied a n d beautiful j i g s a w , with

G o a to K e r a l a is a long w a y , a n d we decided to t a k e a night train to B a n g a l o r e , spend a while there, then h e a d o n w a r d s when w e were ready.

many children w a v i n g at us a s we p a s s e d . S a m h a d a d u a l - h e a d p h o n e W a l k m a n , a n d she p u t on Pink Floyd's Delicate Sound of Thunder, which w e listened

O u r train pulled o u t of M a r g a o station late in the after-

150

to a s the sun set. I hadn't heard any music since leaving

151

E n g l a n d , a n d the w h o l e experience, with that view, a n d that a l b u m , w a s genuinely uplifting. While the batteries lasted, I felt that I w a s bathing in the essence of life.

Everyone's had it

If you h a d seen what I s a w , you w o u l d k n o w that the Indian

countryside

was

designed

with

a Pink

Floyd

s o u n d t r a c k in mind. It really w a s . When G o d put together those paddy-fields, he w a s definitely listening to ' C o m f o r t ­ ably N u m b . '

O n our first m o r n i n g in B a n g a l o r e , I got up for an early breakfast, which I planned to eat as slowly as I could in order to m a k e sure that I w o u l d be in the dining r o o m when S a m a n d C l a i r e c a m e d o w n . T h i s w o u l d allow me to ask casually what they were up to, then with any luck to spend the d a y with them, all without c o m i n g across as over-keen. S t r e a m s of other travellers c a m e a n d went, while I sat there over my omelette and tea, waiting for the t w o girls. It w a s a l m o s t lunch-time when I finally gave u p . Everyone had d i s a p p e a r e d f r o m the hotel, s o I p r e p a r e d myself for a boring day on my o w n in B a n g a l o r e . T h e n , on my w a y out, I b u m p e d into them. 'Where've you been?' I said, sounding m o r e eager than I intended. ' O h , we got up early to g o to the railway station,' said Claire. 'Right,' I replied, my heart suddenly sinking. ' Y o u bought tickets?' ' Y e a h , ' said S a m , 'we don't really w a n t to spend any time here.' I waited for them to tell me where they were off to, but

153

neither of them said anything. A long a n d sickly silence

s a m e train a s them. B u t they h a d clearly m a d e a point of

opened u p .

trying to get rid of m e . T h i s meant that if I w a n t e d to

S a m , blinking with e m b a r r a s s m e n t a n d even a hint of pity, eventually s p o k e . 'What are y o u up to t o d a y , then?'

salvage any p r i d e , I h a d to spend at least another couple of days in B a n g a l o r e a n d w o u l d have to try a n d ignore

' J u s t . . . looking r o u n d town.'

them when I g o t to Cochin. I w a s still g o i n g to g o there -

I pointed to the b a g over my shoulder, a s if this explained

that much w a s certain. I wasn't going to miss o u t , just b e c a u s e they didn't w a n t to see me — no w a y .

my point further. 'Right.'

T h e gutting thing w a s , I really thought S a m h a d liked

T h e r e w a s another silence.

me. T h e other gutting thing w a s that B a n g a l o r e w a s a

'Bye,' I said, a n d w a n d e r e d off. I didn't even wait for

d u m p . O h , a n d there w a s also the small matter of m e being

them to answer. A s I w a l k e d a w a y , I could feel them

utterly pissed off with the entire continent, a n d wanting to

s t a n d i n g still a n d guiltily watching m e g o . I didn't k n o w

eat M a r m i t e on t o a s t in front of Match of the Day under

whether to head right or left when I hit the street, but I

a frosty duvet on a s o f a in a L o n d o n p u b .

just w a n t e d to get o u t of sight, s o I turned on instinct a n d w a l k e d blindly into the c r o w d s .

Eventually, I s t u m b l e d a c r o s s a restaurant called M a c S p e e d .

Suddenly, I didn't w a n t to be in India, I didn't w a n t to

I p o k e d my h e a d r o u n d the d o o r a n d s a w a kind of W i m p y

be in B a n g a l o r e , a n d I didn't w a n t to be anywhere near

Burger Bar a la 1982, with m o u l d e d plastic seats screwed

S a m or Claire. I h a d no interest in seeing anything, buying

to the floor a r o u n d tiny F o r m i c a tables. I hadn't seen

anything, or eating anything. I w a n t e d to be at h o m e . I

anything remotely like this since . . . well, since 1982, a n d

w a n t e d to w a t c h telly. I w a n t e d M a r m i t e on t o a s t , friends,

certainly hadn't s p o t t e d any burger r e s t a u r a n t s in India.

a s o f a , Match of the Day, green g r a s s , p u b s , frost, a n d a bed with a duvet.

G o d w a s clearly l o o k i n g d o w n , a n d h a d done his best to provide c o m f o r t f o o d for depressed, lonely, homesick

F o r a long time I w a l k e d without even k n o w i n g where I

little me. I o r d e r e d a l a m b burger a n d chips (no beef,

w a s going. In the b a c k of m y mind, I w a s l o o k i n g for a

obviously), with a C a m p a C o l a on the side, a n d ice-cream

place where I'd be able to hide f r o m the c r o w d s a n d forget

for afters. I couldn't even be bothered to worry a b o u t what

h o w f a r f r o m h o m e I w a s . T h e rest of my brain w a s filled

kind o f water w a s in the ice-cream. I w a s giving myself a

with the thought that there w a s still a month to g o before

treat a n d w o u l d eat exactly what I wanted to cheer myself

I w a s d u e to fly back. A w h o l e m o n t h .

up.

It w a s a shock to realize h o w much my h a p p i n e s s h a d

T h i s w a s my first m e a t for weeks, a n d it tasted absolutely

depended on a couple of p e o p l e I hardly knew. It wasn't

delicious, a s did the chips, the C o k e (despite a hint of

as if I wouldn't be able to see them a g a i n , or even a s if I

a m m o n i a in the aftertaste) a n d the ice-cream. If I shut my

didn't k n o w where they were going. They were going to

eyes, I could a l m o s t imagine myself b a c k h o m e .

K e r a l a , and everybody's first s t o p in K e r a l a w a s Cochin. If

I w a s three-quarters of the w a y through m y l a m b burger

I w a n t e d t o , I could p r o b a b l y even have g o t a place on the

when it occurred to m e that I'd travelled m o r e than t w o

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155

t h o u s a n d miles all over the country and h a d yet to see a

T h a t evening, I w a s standing over the toilet d o i n g a pre-bed

single sheep. T h e question of which animal h a d been

piss, when I let a fart e s c a p e , only to feel an o d d sensation

m a s h e d up to p r o d u c e my burger suddenly b e c a m e a rather

in my b o x e r shorts. M y underwear suddenly felt heavier.

pressing mystery. Whatever it w a s , it wasn't sheep, and it

T h i s w a s followed by the sensation of a w a r m , wet blob

a l m o s t certainly wasn't cow. Precisely which varieties of red

sliding d o w n the b a c k of my thigh. Realizing what h a d

m e a t with burger potential r e m a i n e d , w a s a difficult one.

h a p p e n e d , I c l a m p e d shut my sphincter a n d dribbled out

Pig? N o . It definitely didn't taste of p o r k .

the remains of my piss. By the time my b l a d d e r w a s empty,

G o a t ? Possibly. T h e r e were plenty of g o a t s a r o u n d .

the miniature turd h a d reached the b a c k of my knee.

D o g ? N o . N o t d o g . Please. N o t d o g .

In a crouched, w a d d l i n g sprint, I charged out of the toilet

L e a v i n g the remaining corner of burger on the side of my p l a t e , I finished

the chips a n d rinsed my

mouth

thoroughly with the a m m o n i a - f l a v o u r e d C o k e .

and upstairs to my b e d r o o m . H a v i n g peeled my clothes off and tossed them on to the floor, I g o t into the shower and scrubbed my entire body. I then plucked a few of the m o r e soiled clothes f r o m the h e a p , and rinsed them in the shower.

O n the w a y b a c k to the hotel, a curious thing h a p p e n e d . I

Once I h a d g o t m o s t of the loose c r a p d o w n the plug-hole,

w a s w a l k i n g d o w n the street, feeling a touch a n x i o u s a b o u t

I hung my stuff up to dry, so that it w o u l d l o o k respectable

my meal, when I suddenly f o u n d myself p u k i n g in the

enough to give in as hotel laundry the following morning.

gutter.

Later that night, I w a s w o k e n f r o m deep sleep by a m a n

H a v i n g voided my s t o m a c h , I s t o o d up a n d l o o k e d a r o u n d

revving up a F o r m u l a O n e racing car inside my bowels. It

self-consciously to see if I h a d p r o v o k e d a reaction. A

took me a few seconds to realize what w a s happening,

few metres d o w n the r o a d , a n emaciated s a d h u with grey

before I sprinted to the toilet and shat like I have never

d r e a d l o c k s w a s meditating on the pavement. O n the other

shat before.

side of the street, a fully s o a p e d - u p m a n w a s w a s h i n g

I don't k n o w if you have ever seen a cricket bowling-

himself from a bucket of water, and right in front of him

machine, but they w o r k by having t w o small tyres, placed

a m a n trying to transport huge bundles of steel on the b a c k

horizontally next to each other, rotating extremely fast in

of t w o d o n k e y s w a s having an a r g u m e n t with a mango-seller

the s a m e direction. A cricket ball rolls t o w a r d s the t w o

w h o wouldn't m o v e his pile of fruit out of the way.

tyres, then b e c o m e s g r i p p e d between them, a n d is flung out

A vomiting Westerner, a p p a r e n t l y , didn't s t a n d out. N o

at up to a hundred miles an hour. Well, imagine what

one seemed to notice or care what I h a d d o n e , other than

w o u l d h a p p e n if you set that machine to m a x i m u m speed,

a small d o g w h o trotted over a n d started l a p p i n g up the

then p o u r e d in a c o w - p a t . T h i s is the only w a y I can describe

p u d d l e at my feet. I wiped my m o u t h with a T-shirt sleeve,

my new experience of shitting.

and leaving my burger behind for the cannibalistic d o g ,

After this sudden burst of viciously propelled turd, I felt

continued b a c k to the hotel, s t o p p i n g on the w a y to buy a

a rancid a n d acidic stench rise f r o m between my knees.

bottle of mineral water.

J u s t as my nose started twitching with revulsion, I noticed that my arsehole w a s on fire. I couldn't s q u a t for much

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157

longer without my hips objecting, so I hurriedly u s e d the

I felt the liquid slosh a r o u n d in my belly a n d knew

Indian arse-wiping t e c h n i q u e - d a b b i n g water f r o m a bucket

instantly that it w a s n ' t welcome. After a s u d d e n and vicious

on to the tenderized flesh of my anus.

s t o m a c h c r a m p , I rushed b a c k to the b a t h r o o m just in time

Only when I w a s b a c k in bed, having spent at least ten

to projectile-vomit against the wall of the shower. Even

minutes w a s h i n g my h a n d s , did I begin to realize that my

when all the water h a d c o m e out, my s t o m a c h continued

s t o m a c h w a s in agony. I felt as if s o m e o n e h a d mistaken it

its contractions, m a k i n g me g a g on an empty throat.

for a soggy flannel a n d w a s trying to wring it dry. After

After this, I didn't have the strength to m a k e it b a c k to

writhing n a k e d on the bed for a while, I felt another emer­

my bed. Instead, I turned the shower on, waited for the

gency alarm-call and ran b a c k to the toilet. F r o m the d o o r ­

worst of the vomit to get rinsed a w a y and curled up under

w a y , I noticed that it n o w wasn't possible to get within

the s t r e a m of water. I positioned myself s o that I wouldn't

striking distance of the porcelain without standing in flecks

have to remain a n x i o u s a b o u t the feeble state of my cat-flap

of my o w n widely scattered turd. T h e r e w a s little time for

a n d could simply let any late seepage get w a s h e d d o w n the

s q u e a m i s h n e s s , however, a n d certainly not enough time to

plug-hole.

put my shoes on, so I b r a v e d the filth, attempting to replace my feet in the footprints I h a d left behind. T h e second I h a d s q u a t t e d , I heard a strange s o u n d of rushing water c o m i n g f r o m behind me. 'What's that?' I fleetingly

w o n d e r e d , 'Who could be running a b a t h at this

I h a d no real sense of time by this s t a g e , but when I eventually felt sure that my body w a s fully drained, I crawled b a c k to bed a n d fell asleep. I w a s w o k e n by voices in the corridor. T h e second my eyes were o p e n , I felt the pain return to my throat, s t o m a c h

time of night?' T h e n I realized that it w a s me. M y n u m b

and arsehole, but I knew that these voices represented my

arsehole h a d b e c o m e a t a p .

only chance of contact with the outside w o r l d , so I hauled

When the gush of liquid h a d s u b s i d e d , I t o p p l e d f o r w a r d s ,

myself out of bed a n d scrabbled through my r u c k s a c k for

my forehead pressing into the wall in front of me. Still in

a clean pair of trousers. H a v i n g pulled on s o m e clothes, I

s q u a t t i n g position, I let out a few g r o a n s a n d a t t e m p t e d to

rushed into the corridor.

g a u g e whether or not my p u n c h - d r u n k sphincter w a s n o w closed. It w a s h a r d to tell definitively, but I got the impres­ sion that even if it w a s , it w o u l d be a b o u t as effective as a cat-flap in the H o o v e r D a m . When it b e c a m e t o o painful to s q u a t , I h a u l e d myself upright, rinsed my legs and feet in the shower a n d s t u m b l e d

'Hello! Hello!' I c r o a k e d , just as the voices d i s a p p e a r e d d o w n the stairs. 'Hello!' T h e r e Was silence for a second or s o , then I s a w a head r e a p p e a r a r o u n d the corner of the staircase. 'Yes, hello?' 'Please! C o m e back! I'm sick!' I s a i d , s u p p o r t i n g my weight on the d o o r - f r a m e .

b a c k to bed. I knew that it w a s i m p o r t a n t not to get

H e called something d o w n the stairs, in a l a n g u a g e that

dehydrated, a n d since I h a d just shat out m o r e water than

s o u n d e d like it w a s p r o b a b l y D u t c h , then w a n d e r e d t o w a r d s

I could remember drinking in the last fortnight, I m a d e

me.

myself s w a l l o w the remaining half-litre of mineral water

'What's u p ? ' he s a i d .

f r o m the bottle I h a d b o u g h t that evening.

'I'm sick! I can't walk! I need s o m e water!'

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159

a n d r e a d that it has quinine in it, so I just experiment.'

'What's w r o n g ? ' 'Everything. Shitting, p u k i n g . . .'

'What d o you m e a n ? ' 'Well, I t o o k four the first day, then increased the number

' T h e usual, then.'

by one each day until I felt better.'

'I s u p p o s e s o . ' ' Y o u w an t me to buy s o m e water, yes?'

'H-h-h-how long did that take?'

'Please. T h a n k s . I'd be so grateful. I'll get y o u s o m e

Suddenly, I seemed to have forgotten my own pain. I w a s transfixed.

money.' I hobbled b a c k into the r o o m a n d c a m e b a c k with a few notes. I s a w the beginnings of a smile a r o u n d the edges of his m o u t h as he watched me try to walk.

' A b o u t ten d a y s . ' 'But isn't that stuff s u p p o s e d to m a k e your hair fall out, and turn you psychotic?' H e suddenly leaped in the air, kicked his legs, stuck his

'Does it hurt?' he said. 'Yes. M y arsehole's in tatters.'

tongue out, w h o o p e d a n d w o b b l e d his hands a b o v e his

H e laughed and c l a p p e d me on the b a c k . 'Hey! We've

head. T h i s w a s a terrifying sight, a n d I felt myself a l m o s t wanting to v o m i t again.

all been there.' 'It's fucking agony.'

' N o t m e , I'm fine,' he s q u e a k e d , in a manic voice.

' N o , it's not. Y o u wait. If it's f o o d p o i s o n i n g , you have

With a g a s p of relief, I realized that he w a s joking, a n d

a chance to be better in a few d a y s . If it's dysentery, you

my pulse went b a c k to n o r m a l . I forced out a feeble laugh,

get w o r s e . T h e n you k n o w w h a t pain feels like. Bacillary

as a w a y of indicating to him that he could s t o p j u m p i n g

dysentery, you have it for a week. A m o e b i c , a n d you're

on the spot.

fucked.'

O n c e he w a s at rest, he s p o k e in his n o r m a l voice again.

H e c l a p p e d me on the b a c k again.

'Hey - even m a l a r i a ' s not the end of the world. T h e locals

'You've h a d dysentery?'

live with it.'

' Y e a h , sure. Everyone's h a d it.'

'Right.'

'What did it feel like?'

'And die of it!' With this, he d o u b l e d up with laughter.

' B a d , m a n . Pretty b a d . '

Eventually, having c a l m e d d o w n enough to s p e a k , he

'Which did you have? A m o e b i c , or . . . the other one.' 'I h a d both at once, which w a s a big fucker. Still, even that's not agony. N o w m a l a r i a , on the other hand. Y o u

said, 'Lighten u p , m a n . Y o u ' v e just got a bit of d i a r r h o e a . It's nothing. D r i n k water a n d you'll be fine. At least you haven't got this!'

wait till you get m a l a r i a . T h i s is a real bitch. I got it in

H e pulled u p his trouser leg a n d s h o w e d me an angry-

N e p a l and I w a s so fucked I couldn't get myself to a d o c t o r ,

l o o k i n g trench g o u g e d out of his skin, just next to the

so I just h a d to take a bunch of my C h l o r o q u i n e a n d hope

shin-bone.

for the best.'

'What's that?'

'Is that what you're s u p p o s e d to d o ? I m e a n . . . if I . . .'

'It's from a w o r m that lives in b a d water. It swims

'I don't k n o w . I'm not expert, but I l o o k on the packet

through a tiny cut in your skin, or even up the end of your

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161

dick, then it g r o w s inside you to a big, big size, living inside your . . . w h a t d o you call this?'

'I a s k my mother to pickle it, but I think she's not s o keen.' 'Strange, that.'

' Y o u r veins?' I felt dizzy.

'Yeah. L o o k - my friends are waiting. Y o u w a n t me to

'Veins. Exactly this. O n c e the w o r m gets to be big, you feel the p a i n , but there's not a sign of it on the surface, a n d

get you s o m e w a t e r ? ' 'Please. T h a t w o u l d be great.'

no one can tell what's w r o n g with you. Y o u have to keep

' Y o u want s o m e f o o d ? '

your eyes out, and if you see a l u m p near the skin which

' N o . C a n ' t eat.'

is m o v i n g , you must d i g with a needle, until you see e n o u g h

' Y o u should.'

of the w o r m ' s head. Y o u can't pull it out all at once b e c a u s e

'I can't.'

it will s n a p , a n d w o r s e than having a live w o r m in you is

'I'll get you b a n a n a s . When you feel stronger, you should

having a d e a d one, so you must put the head a r o u n d a

eat boiled rice.'

matchstick, a n d then give the stick one twist a d a y , until

'I couldn't.'

the w h o l e w o r m is winding r o u n d outside your leg.'

'I'll be b a c k s o o n . G o to bed.'

M y knees went w e a k , a n d a head-rush closed in on my vision. I gripped the d o o r - f r a m e tighter a n d tried not to listen.

' T h a n k you. Y o u ' r e really kind. Y o u ' v e saved my life.' 'I don't think it's quite this b a d . ' ' N o , really. T h a n k you. I'm so grateful.' I felt my eyes

'If the w o r m gets to your heart, that's it. T h e end. Paf! I a m lucky. I get it out of my leg.' We both admired the hole in his shin for a second. I felt s o m e strength c o m e b a c k to my thighs a n d my peripheral vision returning.

moistening, a n d my chest filled with a p r e s s u r e that wanted to turn itself into a s o b . T h e guy put his hand on my shoulder. 'You'll be fine,' he said. 'Hey - what's your n a m e ? ' I t o o k a deep breath and s p o k e in a high-pitched, w o b b l y voice. ' D a v e , f r o m E n g l a n d . Y o u ? '

'And that's lucky, is it?' ' Y e a h , sure.'

'Igor B o o g , from Delft in H o l l a n d . ' H e smiled at me and

'Is it ever going to heal?'

gave my shoulder a squeeze. 'You'll be fine, D a v e . I c o m e

' O n e day, I hope. There'll be a scar, though.'

back soon.' ' T h a n k s . Really - t h a n k s . '

'That's good.' 'Eh?'

'It's O K . '

'Something to show for y o u r efforts, a n d all that.'

A s he w a n d e r e d a w a y , his s a n d a l s clacking against his

' O h , no. I kept the w o r m . I can a l w a y s use this if I need proof.'

heels, I called after him, ' T h a n k s , Igor.' H e laughed a n d raised a hand to me without turning

' Y o u carry the w o r m a r o u n d with y o u ? '

round. 'Be b r a v e , D a v e , ' he said and d i s a p p e a r e d d o w n the

' N o , don't be silly. I p o s t it b a c k to my p a r e n t s ' h o u s e . '

stairs, chuckling.

'And they're keeping it for y o u ? '

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163

For the next week, I barely left my r o o m . Igor p o p p e d in

'I k n o w , I j u s t . . . feel a bit weak. I really a m on my o w n

every morning and b r o u g h t me water, b a n a n a s , a n d after

once you've gone. I've got s o m e friends in C o c h i n , but I'll

a couple of d a y s , boiled rice. H e sat with m e while I ate a n d

never catch up with them n o w , a n d it's all just a bit shit at

cheered me up with tales of crippling and life-threatening

the m o m e n t . '

diseases.

' D a v e - you were ill, n o w you're better. S o be h a p p y . '

N e a r the end of the week, just a s I polished off my first boiled egg, Igor told me that he'd already extended his stay in B a n g a l o r e by a couple of d a y s , and n o w that I w a s on the m e n d , he really h a d to get going.

'You're right.' 'I'm not going to be here to tell you funny stories any m o r e , so you have to take a positive attitude.' 'You're right.'

I felt myself wanting to cry a g a i n .

' Y o u have to d o it on your o w n now.'

' O K ' , I said.

' O K . A n d thanks for everything. I m e a n — for staying

'I have to g o , D a v e . T h e r e ' s nothing left for me to d o in

behind to help me. M o s t people aren't kind enough to . . . I m e a n , they wouldn't . . . and you . . . y o u . . .' I had to

Bangalore.' ' O K . T h a n k s for everything, anyway. I wouldn't have

s t o p , or I w o u l d have burst into tears. Igor squeezed my a r m , a n d I started to s o b .

survived without you.' 'I think you might have d o n e . '

' C o m e on, tough guy,' he said.

' Y o u saved my life.'

'Sorry. I don't m e a n it. I'm just grateful, that's all.'

'It wasn't even dysentery, you know.' 'I k n o w , but I'd just h a d enough of everything, and . . .

'Hey - it w a s nothing. Anyone w o u l d have done the s a m e . ' H e p a s s e d m e a corner of the sheet to wipe my face.

I m e a n , I've still h a d enough of everything, but at least I've

'You're very kind.'

got the strength to walk now.'

' N o p r o b l e m . Really.'

F o r s o m e reason this m a d e him laugh. ' Y o u have to be m o r e positive, m a n . India's a great

H e smiled at m e , obviously trying to g a u g e whether I had c a l m e d d o w n enough for him to m a k e an exit. While I snivelled, he patted my leg through the sheet and

country.'

eyed the d o o r .

'I k n o w , I know.' 'It's the best place in the w o r l d . '

'I w a n t to g o h o m e , Igor. I W A N T T O G O H O M E ! '

'After E n g l a n d . '

H i s face fell.

' Y o u should try travelling in Africa. In Africa they've this fly which lays its eggs in wet clothes. When the eggs

'You'll be fine s o o n . Y o u just need to get your strength back.'

feel the w a r m t h of a b o d y , they hatch into tiny m a g g o t s

'I W A N T T O G O H O M E ! '

which wriggle through your skin a n d start to g r o w inside

' G o , then. If you w a n t to g o h o m e , you can.'

you. Y o u can only get them out by r u b b i n g Vaseline . . .'

'I can't.'

'Please, Igor. I'm not in the m o o d today.'

' Y o u can.'

'I'm just trying to cheer you u p . ' 'I can't. T h e r e ' s still three weeks on my ticket.'

164 165

'It's not a holiday. It's travelling. T h e y ' r e completely

' T h e n change it.'

different.'

'I can't.'

'Well, why don't you stay, and try to turn it into a

'You can.' 'I can't. It's . . . it's a w a d y o u c a l l i t . '

holiday? T h e n you have s o m e fun. G o to one of these stupid

'Apex?'

resorts where p e o p l e just h a n g out on the beach a n d forget

' T h a t ' s it.'

they're in India. Why don't you sit the rest of your time on

' Y o u can still change it. Y o u just have to p a y . '

the beach in G o a ? ' 'I've just c o m e f r o m G o a . '

'I can't.'

'There's other places the s a m e . Y o u could g o to K o v a l a m .

'Why not?'

Or Ajmer.'

'I just can't.' 'Why? Y o u can't afford it?'

' T h a t ' s where I w a s before G o a . '

'I don't k n o w . '

'And n o w you've h a d enough of India?'

' H o w much money d o you have left?'

'Yes.'

'About five hundred p o u n d s . '

'But it doesn't seem like you've seen any of it.'

'What's that? Seven hundred dollars?'

'I don't care. I'm sick of India.'

'I s u p p o s e s o . '

For the first time since I h a d k n o w n him, Igor went silent.

' T h e n you can g o h o m e . Even if you buy a new ticket

' Y o u think I'm stupid,' I said.

you have enough to g o h o m e . '

H e shrugged.

'I can't, though.'

' Y o u d o . Y o u think I'm stupid.'

'Why not?'

' N o t stupid. J u s t young. T o o young.'

'Because.'

'For w h a t ? '

'Because w h a t ? '

'For this country.'

' J u s t because.'

'There are Indians m u c h younger than m e . '

'Why?'

H e laughed. 'But they live here.'

'Because it's e m b a r r a s s i n g . '

'So?'

' A a a h h , so this is it. If you g o h o m e early, you'll feel like

' D a v e — I have to g o . ' 'OK.'

you've given u p . ' 'Exactly.'

'I'm going now.'

'You'll feel like you've failed the test.'

' G o , then.'

'I've d o n e over two m o n t h s - I've a l m o s t finished. It's

'Bye, D a v e . All the best.' 'Bye. A n d t h a n k s . '

stupid to give up now.' 'It's not meant to be a strength test, you k n o w . '

' H a v e fun, yeah?'

'What else is it, then?'

'Yeah.'

'A holiday?'

H e w a l k e d out of the r o o m a n d closed the d o o r without

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167

even looking back at me. It seemed a s h a m e to p a r t like that, but I couldn't really help it. I didn't want to be a b a n d o n e d a g a i n , a n d I found it h a r d to be m a g n a n i m o u s .

Most educative

After staring at the closed d o o r for a few h o u r s , I decided that the time had c o m e for a taste of the outside world. It t o o k me a while to locate my shoes, which were next to the toilet where I had taken them off a week a g o . O n w o b b l y legs, I headed d o w n the corridor, through the hotel lobby and out into the devastatingly bright sun.

I tottered across the r o a d , a n d after a brief w a n d e r I w a s so tired that I sat on the kerb to rest. It w a s a g o o d spot for watching the world g o by, and I w a s s o o n joined by an oldish m a n , w h o c a m e and sat next to me. 'Would you believe me if I told you that before par­ tition m o s t of my p l a y m a t e s were British citizens,' he said. H e looked like he w a s p r o b a b l y a bit of a boring old duffer, a n d normally I would have blanked him, but for once I w a s pleased to have s o m e o n e to talk to, a n d tried to think of a friendly response. 'Really? T h a t ' s . . . u m , impressive.' I said. 'Oh, m o s t assuredly. J o h n n y , Peter a n d Freddie were the n a m e s of my three closest chums. Of course, they all departed after 1947.' 'All of them?' 'Partition, old chap. A lot of g o o d eggs d e c a m p e d pretty sharpish.' ' T h a t ' s terrible. A n d . . . er, why did y o u have s o many English friends?' 'British, old boy. O n e mustn't forget our C a l e d o n i a n c o m p a t r i o t s . Freddie w a s a Scot, you see.' ' O h , right. But why were they all . . . ?'

169

' M y dear departed father, G o d rest his soul, w a s a pillar

m a d e it look like it h a d been printed in the seventies.

of the church. A n d I in my turn have h a d the g o o d fortune

On the front it said South India Christian

to follow in his footsteps. A r e you a Christian?'

Introduction.

Mission:

An

Below that w a s a w h o l e l o a d of text that I

I toyed with the idea of telling him that I w a s an Arsenal

couldn't be bothered to read, so I opened it u p , revealing

s u p p o r t e r instead, but decided that it w o u l d be m o r e tactful

three pictures on three p a g e s , each with a large caption a t

to lie.

the top. O n the left, it said, ' K N O W L E D G E ' a b o v e a picture of a wise old m a n with a grey beard; in the middle, it said,

'Yes.' ' C of E?'

' B E A U T Y ' a b o v e a picture of a butterfly; a n d on the right,

I couldn't quite remember what C of E s t o o d for, but it

it

w a s o b v i o u s that he wanted me to say yes, so I n o d d e d . ' M a r v e l l o u s . W h a t a h a p p y coincidence. A l l o w me to introduce myself - C h a r l e s A. T r i p a t h i , junior.'

said,

'STRENGTH'

above

a picture

of

a

nuclear

mushroom-cloud. I w a s in the p r o c e s s of retrieving my j a w from the coffeetable when C h a r le s returned with a child dressed in r a g s . H e shouted something at the kid, w h o started sweeping the

H e s h o o k my hand. 'I'm D a v e . D a v i d . '

floor under my feet with a long bundle of twigs. O n another

'Delighted to meet y o u . D o you take tea?'

c o m m a n d , the kid ran out of the r o o m .

'Um . . . I s u p p o s e s o . '

'Tea

' C o m e to my house. It isn't pleasant to be alone.' I didn't

H e remained standing and hovered a r o u n d m e nervously,

k n o w whether this referred to m e or to him, but I obeyed

while I s a t in the chair fiddling with the leaflet, trying to

and followed him d o w n the street. H e turned off d o w n a

think of something to say.

s i d e - r o a d , marching a few steps a h e a d of m e a n d m a k i n g no effort to converse.

a n d cakes will be arriving presently,' said C h a r l e s .

After a while, seven or so smartly dressed children bundled into the r o o m , pushing a n d shoving at each other

J u s t a s I w a s beginning to feel that I couldn't g o much further, we arrived at a tiny concrete house. H e s t o o d at the d o o r a n d ushered m e in. A s I entered, it occurred to me that this w a s the first h o m e I h a d seen since arriving in India. I w a s surprised by how much it looked like an English one: T V set in the corner, a few chairs, a r u g , pictures on the wall. Everything seemed pretty recognizable, really.

to get a g o o d view of m e without getting t o o close. 'These are m y grandchildren. A n d if y o u don't mind, they would like y o u r a u t o g r a p h . ' 'My autograph?' 'Exactly. A s a m p l e of your handwriting will be m o s t educative.' I didn't have the heart to tell him that my handwriting had been b a d at the a g e of ten, a n d in steady decline ever

please,' he s a i d , indicating a chair. 'Feel free to

since. H e p a s s e d m e a pen a n d said something to them in

e x a m i n e s o m e of o u r literature.' H e pointed at a pile of

Hindi. O n e by o n e , they c a m e u p to m e a n d g a v e me a

leaflets on a coffee-table, then left the r o o m .

scrap of p a p e r . I wrote my n a m e a n d a little m e s s a g e for

'Sit,

I could hear him shouting things in Hindi, s o I picked up a leaflet a n d started reading. T h e colours a n d typeface

170

each of them, a s neatly a s I could, a n d g a v e each child a pat o n the head.

171

T h e children then t r o o p e d o u t of the r o o m a n d ran into

questions on me. After that he b o m b a r d e d m e with endless inane crap a b o u t his position in the church and the success

the street, laughing. ' Y o u are a very kind m a n , ' said Charles. 'I c a n tell

of the South India M i s s i o n . It w a s i m p o s s i b l e to leave, a n d

already. A b o v e a n d beyond the call of duty - this is your

only when I w a s climbing the walls with b o r e d o m did I

motto.'

finally get o u t of his house.

'Um . . . I s u p p o s e it is.' 'And m o d e s t , t o o , of c o u r s e . English schooling is still the best in the world, I a m pleased to see.'

Although w e hadn't really m a n a g e d much o f a conversation, a n d I'd been mostly bored out of my skull, I felt that the

'I'm not sure a b o u t that, y o u k n o w . '

visit m a r k e d a significant a n d positive watershed. I h a d

' C o m e , c o m e . Y o u have m a d e your point already. G r a m ­

actually gone inside a n Indian house. G o n e inside, sat d o w n

m a r school o r public school, I don't even w a n t to k n o w which one. Y o u have the m a r k of a gentleman s t a m p e d all

and talked to a real Indian person. Throughout

my entire

two-month

stay,

I'd

been

tantalized by occasional glimpses into people's houses a n d

over y o u . ' ' T h a n k y o u very much. A n d m a y I be permitted to say

had always w o n d e r e d what it really l o o k e d like inside. Previously, I'd never been able to get beyond the o d d glance

the s a m e of you.' Christ! I w a s beginning to talk like him.

through a w i n d o w o r d o o r , but n o w I'd actually broken

'I try my best. I try my best.'

through. I h a d seen the real India. I h a d discovered h o w

At this point a n o l d w o m a n entered, carrying a tray of

people lived.

tea a n d s o m e cakes s o lurid it m a d e my teeth ache just to

Suddenly, everything else I h a d done in India seemed

look at them. She placed the tray in front of m e , a n d

totally superficial. I'd just s a t a r o u n d in hotels a n d talked

retreated to the d o o r w a y .

to other travellers. I'd been w a s t i n g my time. Igor w a s right

' M y wife,' said C h a r l e s .

- 1 hadn't actually seen anything. F r o m n o w o n , I decided,

'Pleased to meet you,' I said, with a little wave.

things were g o i n g to be different. I w a s going to stay o n

'Namaste,'

she s a i d , n o d d i n g a n d smiling.

my o w n . I wasn't g o i n g to look for other Westerners to

I n o d d e d a n d smiled b a c k at her, then she left.

hide behind. I w a s going to m a k e an effort to talk to Indians.

After this, C h a r l e s a n d I slowly ran o u t of conversation.

I'd befriend them a n d try to get into their houses. I w o u l d

I tried to a s k a b o u t his family a n d his w o r k , but I didn't really get very much o u t o f him. H e kept giving short, a w k w a r d a n s w e r s , a s if my questions were either rude o r boring. I knew this w a s my big chance to find o u t what it's actually like to be an Indian, but I s o m e h o w never g o t very far. When my attempt at conversation h a d run a g r o u n d , he t o o k over, a n d inflicted the usual j o b / m a r r i a g e / h o m e

172

m a k e myself into a proper traveller.

M y cheeks h a d caved in a n d were covered with long, tufty stubble, my eyes were d e a d , my hair w a s greasy, a n d my m o u t h w a s stuck in a sour d o w n w a r d curve. I l o o k e d like

India does that to you

hell. 1 w o u l d have run a w a y from me. I went to bed a n d stared blankly into s p a c e for a few hours. I really h a d turned into one of the living d e a d . Despite my 'meal', I slept through the entire night without any emergency trips to the toilet a n d w o k e up the next morning resolved to stuff myself with f o o d until I looked like a h u m a n being a g a i n .

T h a t evening I ate my first p r o p e r meal since the d o g - b u r g e r .

I still didn't trust any greasy or spicy f o o d to stay d o w n ,

A c o u p l e of months a g o I w o u l d have been unlikely to

so I h a d four boiled eggs and a couple of chapatis for

describe squidgy lentils dribbled over a l u m p of c o a g u l a t e d

breakfast, then set out on my mission to m a k e friends with

rice as a p r o p e r meal, but in the context, this w a s the m o s t

the subcontinent.

challenging thing my guts h a d attempted for quite s o m e time.

I w a n d e r e d a r o u n d for a bit, smiling at everyone, but it

After a few grumbles of objection, I felt my s t o m a c h

didn't seem to m a k e anyone w a n t to talk to me. R e m e m ­

reluctantly accept the extra w o r k l o a d . M y f o o d n o longer

bering that I l o o k e d like a M o o n i e , I toned d o w n the smiles

seemed to float inside me, ready to hurl itself out of my

a fraction, but p e o p l e still avoided me.

m o u t h at a moment's notice, but actually settled d o w n and

Feeling dispirited, I went into the busiest restaurant I

gave the impression that it w a s willing to be digested. If I

could find for a bite of lunch. I sat d o w n next to a lonely

could just get the p a s s i n g - t h r o u g h time to m o r e than ten

l o o k i n g m a n , smiled at him and said hello. H e picked up

minutes, I felt I might be able to derive enough benefit from

his tray of f o o d a n d w a l k e d to a different table, looking

my f o o d to begin to get s o m e strength back.

mildly frightened.

After having eaten as much as I could force d o w n , I

T h i s represented a new low. T o be a b a n d o n e d by other

scanned the hotel dining r o o m for s o m e o n e to talk to.

travellers w a s one thing, but to be shunned by Indians -

People c a m e a n d went, but I couldn't help feeling that

that w a s just the pits. In d e s p e r a t i o n , b a c k at the hotel I

everyone w a s ignoring me. I sat there for at least an hour,

tried to start a conversation with the boy w h o s e j o b it w a s

d e s p e r a t e for s o m e o n e to talk to, but whenever I caught

to sweep the floor. H e ran a w a y .

anyone's eye, they l o o k e d a w a y before I h a d time to say

T h e only thing left to d o w a s to write a p o s t c a r d .

anything. T h i s w a s extremely puzzling until, on the w a y to bed, I those c o m a t o s e skeletons I'd seen on my first day in Delhi.

Dear Mum & Dad, I'm now in Bangalore-the modern, industrialized capital of Karnataka. It's a relatively pleasant city, and feels more prosperous than most

174

175

caught sight of myself in a mirror. I looked like one of

other towns I've visited. I haven't actually seen much of it yet, though, because for the last week or so I've been violently ill and haven't left my hotel room. I can just about walk again now, and today I went on my first little excursion. I seem to have lost loads of weight, but I'm sure I'll get it back eventually. I'm still missing you and feeling terribly lonely, but have changed all my ideas about travel, and am now resolved to stay on my own until the end of the trip. Travel shouldn't be about other travellers - it is about India and Indians. If you want to find yourself in this country, you have to lose yourself. This is my next step. I really am learning an incredible amount. love, Dave

accent. T h e minute I heard that voice, I knew w h o it w a s . 'Ranj!' I screamed. H e s p u n r o u n d a n d looked at me suspiciously. After a few seconds, I s a w recognition d a w n , and he tore the scarf from his head. 'Dave! Is it y o u ? ' 'Of course it's me.' 'What the fuck h a p p e n e d to you?' 'I've been stuck here. I got a bit ill.' ' Y o u look like shit. Y o u l o o k like a piece of shit.' 'Thanks, mate.' 'I hardly recognized you. J e s u s -

have you

weighed

H a v i n g finished the p o s t c a r d , it d a w n e d on me that even

yourself?'

if no one else w a s willing to have a conversation with me,

'No.'

the hotel receptionist w o u l d have to. It w a s his j o b , for

' H a v e you been to a d o c t o r ? '

G o d ' s s a k e . I w a s p a y i n g for a r o o m in his hotel. If I

' N o . I don't need to now. I'm on the mend.'

cornered him at the reception desk, he wouldn't be able to

'Fuckin'ell. T h a t ' s g o o d to hear, m a n . Y o u look a b s o ­

run a w a y , and I'd be certain to get a small a m o u n t of conversation out of him.

lutely fucked.' 'I tell you, I'm glad to see you.'

H a v i n g waited for him to t a k e his place behind the desk, I e n g a g e d in a surprise attack.

'Likewise, m a n . Likewise. Where's . . . w h a t s e r n a m e . T h e fit one.'

'Hello,' I s a i d .

'We s e p a r a t e d . Irreconcilable differences and all that.'

'Hello, sir,' he replied.

'She left you then.'

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

'Sort of. W e just . . . kind of started off on the w r o n g

'Is everything all right?' he said.

foot anyway, and I can't really remember how, but we

'Fine, thanks. Y e s . '

ended up hating each other's guts.'

I still couldn't think of anything. T h e n a thought d a w n e d on me.

'We always got on fine in E n g l a n d . '

'It's hot t o d a y , ' I said.

' M e too. I a l w a y s got on O K with my family in E n g l a n d .

'Yes. Very hot. Less hot than usual, of course. But hot.' I w a s just a b o u t to give up when an Indian m a n w a l k e d in, with a cotton scarf w r a p p e d a r o u n d his head and neck,

' B a d news, m a n . India does that to you.'

also covering half of his face. H e a p p r o a c h e d

the d e s k and a s k e d for a r o o m in a heavy S o u t h L o n d o n

176

N o w they all w a n t to kill m e . ' ' Y o u ran a w a y a g a i n ? ' 'Yeah. I've just flown in f r o m Delhi t o d a y . I wanted to get d o w n to T r i v a n d r u m , but there were no flights, so I c a m e here.'

177

'They'll be gutted. I struck up quite a friendship with your brother.'

'Jesus! W h a t are you g o i n g to d o ? ' 'I've said yes already. There's nothing I can d o a b o u t it.

'And it's w o r s e this time, b e c a u s e . . .' he lowered his voice a n d looked a r o u n d the r o o m '. . . I nicked a l o a d of credit cards a n d cash before I left.'

I said yes, then I pissed off.' 'With your uncle's money.' 'Right. It's the least I deserve. L o o k - d'you w a n t to

'From who?'

c o m e with me? I'll p a y for your r o o m . W e can have a laugh.

'Uncles a n d shit. T h e y were just getting on my tits t o o

If you buy s o m e clothes, eat a bit of decent f o o d a n d have a shave, you'll look reasonably presentable. We could d o

much.' 'Really?'

pretty well, me a n d you. M y cousin's told me a b o u t this

'Yeah.'

excellent hotel where all the loosest w o m e n g o . W h a t d'you

' Y o u nicked from your o w n family.'

reckon?'

' Y e a h , I k n o w , I k n o w . I regret it a bit now. I've decided

'What?'

I'm g o i n g to spend it all as fast as I can, then go b a c k a n d

' D o you w a n t to c o m e ? '

apologize.'

'Are you serious?'

' T h a t ' s very moral of you.'

' C o u r s e I a m . A r e you on for it?'

'D'you think so?'

'Er . . . why not? S o u n d s like a laugh.'

' N o . N o t really. L o o k - d'you w a n t to share my r o o m ?

' C o o l . I'll send a boy to get train tickets, you g o for a

It's a d o u b l e a n y w a y , and it'll be cheaper if we g o halves. I could d o with s o m e c o m p a n y . ' 'Fuck cheaper. I'm living on b o r r o w e d time before I get strung up by the balls. I only c a m e to this shitty little hole b e c a u s e it w a s the first one in T h e B o o k . I'm spending one night here, then I'm off to K o v a l a m . ' 'What's in K o v a l a m ? ' 'Girls, m a n . Girls on p a c k a g e tours. It's like G o a , but with less hippies, and the s e a s o n ' s a b o u t to start. It's right d o w n south, so the m o n s o o n ' s a l m o s t finished. I'm going to check myself into a p o s h hotel and screw as m a n y white girls as I can before it's t o o late.' ' T o o late for w h a t ? ' ' O h , that's what started all this shit off. M y d a d ' s trying to m a r r y me off to this tight-arsed virgin bitch, just because her d a d o w n s the B o m b a y s t o c k e x c h a n g e or s o m e other c r a p like that. H e ' s not letting me g o h o m e until I've said yes.'

178

shave, and I'll meet y o u b a c k here later.' 'All right. Y o u sharing my r o o m , then?' ' T h a n k s , but no thanks. Sick r o o m s aren't really my scene.'

just a b o v e the bus terminal. Studio r o o m s a n d cottages are R s 550 single a n d R s 650 d o u b l e . T h e hotel h a s every facility you w o u l d expect, including air-conditioning, s w i m m i n g

Golf?

p o o l , b a r , crafts s h o p a n d b o a t s for hire. Beautiful place blah blah blah facilities for y o g a , ayurvedic m a s s a g e , golf, tennis, blah blah etc." W h a t d'you reckon?' 'Six hundred a n d fifty rupees? A r e you m a d ? ' 'I'm not getting a d o u b l e . H o w are we going to get the shags in if we're in a d o u b l e ? We're talking five fifty each, man.' 'Are you serious?'

T h e journey to T r i v a n d r u m t o o k a g e s , but R a n j bought a

'Sure.'

couple of water-melons, a b a g of m a n g o s , several bunches

'And you're p a y i n g ? '

of b a n a n a s , a kilo of m i x e d nuts a n d an endless supply of

'Yup.'

B o m b a y M i x , all of which went a considerable w a y to

' S w i m m i n g p o o l a n d air-conditioning?'

helping the time p a s s . We shared our c o m p a r t m e n t with a

'Yup.'

family w h o were carrying even m o r e f o o d than R a n j , a n d

'Golf?'

with everything getting p a s s e d a r o u n d , the w h o l e thing felt

'Yup.'

m o r e like a banquet than a journey. N o one in the family

'Let's have a look.'

s p o k e any English, a n d R a n j couldn't c o m m u n i c a t e with

'Nope.'

them either d u e to s o m e p r o b l e m with dialects, but this

A n d with that, he threw his B o o k out of the bus w i n d o w .

didn't seem to stop them from wanting us to c o n s u m e vast

'What . . . w h a t are you doing?'

quantities of their food.

'We don't need that any more. We're on holiday now.'

I h a d to g o easy on the fruit, for o b v i o u s r e a s o n s , but there were plenty of other things to eat, m o s t of which I

' B u t . . . b u t . . . H o w are we . . . ?' ' C a l m d o w n , m a n . It's only a b o o k . '

stuffed d o w n with glee. T h e sheer relief of finding myself

'But

back on the r o a d without being alone had b r o u g h t a b o u t

I w a s in shock. T h e b l o o d h a d drained f r o m my face.

a s u d d e n return to full appetite.

' R e l a x . I haven't thrown a w a y your copy.'

F o r the first time since M a n a l i , I w a s properly h a p p y .

' B u t . . .' 'I'm saving that to wipe my arse on.'

F r o m T r i v a n d r u m , we got a b u s to K o v a l a m . O n the w a y ,

'Jesus! Y o u ' v e g o n e m a d ! '

R a n j started reading a l o u d f r o m his copy of T h e B o o k .

'You're acting like I've killed s o m e o n e . '

'What d o y o u think of this? " T h e m o s t l u x u r i o u s place

' Y o u have. N o t literally. I m e a n , how . . . if you don't

to stay is the K o v a l a m A s h o k Beach R e s o r t , on the headland

have T h e B o o k , then you don't k n o w where all the other

180

181

travellers are. H o w d o you expect to meet up with other travellers?' ' O n the beach, m a y b e . '

I've got breed in

'But what a b o u t . . . ?' 'Besides, we're not l o o k i n g for other travellers. W h o w a n t s to get into bed with s o m e dry-pussied uptight middleclass bitch w h o can't c o m e a n d won't suck cock. I m e a n , for fuck's s a k e . R a i s e your horizons a bit, m a n . W e are l o o k i n g for sex-starved divorcees with twenty years of p r i m e s h a g g i n g experience stored up in their vaginal muscles a n d a five-year d r o u g h t which is just begging to be blasted a w a y by the biggest fucking thunderstorm of their whole

T h e hotel w a s initially reluctant to let me in, and only when

d a m n fucking lives!'

R a n j h a d displayed a w a d o f cash w o u l d they give me a

H e w a s jiggling a r o u n d in his seat, slobbering with antici­ pation. ' Y o u could have a point. I've never done it with an older woman.' H e stared into s p a c e , his eyes glazed over, a n d m u m b l e d to himself, ' J e s u s Christ! T h i s is g o i n g to be f a n t a s t i c ' S o u t h L o n d o n w a s clearly a randy place.

room. A porter t o o k my rucksack and tried to carry it like a suitcase. T h i s m a d e it a l m o s t i m p o s s i b l e for him to w a l k , which R a n j a n d I found particularly funny, but he just a b o u t m a n a g e d to usher us into a lift a n d s h o w us u p s t a i r s . A lift! T h i s w a s incredible. A n d my r o o m w a s a m a z i n g . I h a d got used to the idea of a hotel r o o m having grey concrete walls, a stone floor and a r o c k - h a r d bed, but this one h a d a p r o p e r bed like in E n g l a n d , a carpet, a balcony o v e r l o o k i n g the s e a , a n d even s o m e furniture! It w a s a single r o o m , but the bed, I noticed, w a s m o r e than wide enough for t w o . A n d there w a s an en suite b a t h r o o m which contained the first bath I h a d seen in the whole country. T h i s w a s even better than M a r m i t e on toast! I immediately filled it a n d stripped off. T h e water turned grey a l m o s t a s s o o n a s I h a d sat in it, so I drained the bath without getting out and ran a fresh one. H a v i n g s o a k e d off m o s t of the grime, I met up with R a n j in the lobby. H e immediately t o o k m e out in a taxi to buy ' s o m e decent clothes'. Since he w a s p a y i n g , I didn't really feel I could a r g u e with his taste, a n d I ended up

183

w e a r i n g a H a w a i i a n shirt, a p a i r of lemon-yellow shorts, and blue deck-shoes. H e a l s o m a d e me buy evening wear,

'You've g o t a pair of jeans at the b o t t o m of your rucksack?'

which consisted of three shirts (all lurid, m a d e of shiny

'Yeah.'

polyester and strangely tight under the a r m p i t s ) , a n d a pair

'What m a k e ? '

of ludicrously expensive imitation Levi's which crawled so

'Levi's, I think.'

far up my arse they m a d e my eyes water. W h e n I w a s all kitted out, he c l a p p e d me admiringly on both a r m s , a n d told me that I l o o k e d like a p r o p e r Indian Playboy.

'You've got a pair of Levi's in the b o t t o m of your rucksack?' 'Yeah. I haven't w o r n them since I arrived, though. N o one w e a r s jeans in India.'

'Is that g o o d ? '

'What are you talking a b o u t ? Everyone wears jeans in

'Of course it's g o o d . '

India.'

'Is that w h a t you are?'

' N o they don't.'

' N o , m a n . I'm the Putney Penile Pile-Driver. But you

'Yes they d o . Why the fuck did you let me buy this

can't buy Putney Pile-Driving gear out here, so we're going

imitation shit, when you've got the real thing in your b a g ? '

to have to settle for Indian Playboy.' 'I feel a bit of a twat.'

'I don't k n o w . I forgot I h a d them.' ' D o you realize how much you could sell a real pair of

'What do you m e a n , you feel a bit of a twat? H o w did

Levi's for here?'

you feel in this crap?' H e pointed to the b a g containing my

'No.'

old clothes, which I h a d refused to throw a w a y .

' L o t s . They're g o l d dust. I can't believe y o u carry a r o u n d

'I felt fine.'

a pair of Levi's on your b a c k a n d w a l k the streets in

'Well, you l o o k e d like a b e g g a r . Where did you buy that

twenty-rupee p e a s a n t trousers.'

shit?'

'They weren't twenty rupees. T h e y were fifty rupees.'

' A r o u n d . I got m o s t of it in M a n a l i and D h a r a m s a l a . ' 'I should have guessed. Is this b e c a u s e you thought that

' Y o u p a i d fifty rupees for thosel F u c k i n g hell. It gets worse.'

w e a r i n g T i b e t a n clothes w o u l d help you l o o k like a local in S o u t h India?'

When R a n j smelled my Levi's he a l m o s t choked.

He

'No.'

immediately filled my r u c k s a c k with every piece of clothing

'Why, then? Why d o y o u p e o p l e have to w e a r those

I o w n e d a n d sent the whole lot d o w n as hotel laundry. I

disgusting clothes?'

then dressed up in my new evening gear, a n d we went out

'I don't k n o w . I've got a p a i r of jeans a n d a T - s h i r t at

on the pull.

the b o t t o m of my r u c k s a c k , but when I arrived a n d started

T h e hotel b a r w a s like something out of a J a m e s B o n d

w e a r i n g them I just felt totally out of place. S o I bought

movie, a n d in h o n o u r of the m a n himself, we each h a d a

the s a m e kind of stuff that all the other travellers were

dry M a r t i n i . M o s t of the people in the b a r were rich Indians,

wearing.'

which I h a d a l w a y s thought w a s a contradiction in terms,

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185

but there w a s one corner where all the whiteys were h a n g i n g

'Yeah.'

out, a n d we went over to join them.

'She's Indian?

Within minutes, I'd d r a g g e d R a n j b a c k to the b a r for an earful.

'So.' ' Y o u can't chat u p Indians.'

'What the fuck are we d o i n g here, m a n ? T h e y ' r e all wrinklies.'

'Why not?' ' J u s t . . . they're . . . I mean, she's with her p a r e n t s . '

'So?'

'So?'

' J u s t l o o k at them. T h e y ' r e repulsive.' 'What d'you expect rich divorcees to l o o k like. N u b i l e

'Her brothers will c o m e and kill you in the middle of the night.'

twenty-two-year-old divorcees just don't exist, you k n o w .

'What for?'

Y o u might find the o d d w i d o w if you're incredibly lucky,

'For . . . insulting her honour, or something.'

but divorcees are old.'

'Where d o you think you are? P a k i s t a n or something?

'And that's what you're after? T h e m ? ' 'Actually, I have to a d m i t they are a bit ugly.' 'They're d o g s . A n d none of them are even divorced, for G o d ' s s a k e - they're all couples.' 'All right, all right. I'm not clairvoyant. I didn't k n o w w h o ' d be staying here, did I?'

T h i s is a civilized country.' 'I k n o w . ' ' H o w d o you think the race p r o p a g a t e s in this part of the w o r l d ? ' ' J u s t . . . I don't k n o w . Y o u said yourself that you were going to have an a r r a n g e d m a r r i a g e . '

' T h e only one I fancy is the blonde one over there.'

'So. N o w I'm going to arrange myself a one-night s t a n d . '

' T h e blonde one?'

'But . . . d o they give? D o they put out?'

'Yeah.'

'Who?'

'In the corner?'

'Indian girls.'

'Yeah.'

' N o t for you they wouldn't. But remember - I've got

'With the big guy.'

breeding.'

'Yeah.'

A n d with that, he s m o o t h e d his eyebrows and stalked

' T h e one w h o w a s just going on a b o u t what a n idyllic

off.

s p o t this w a s for a h o n e y m o o n . ' 'Yeah.'

T h a t night, I w a s w o k e n up by noises c o m i n g f r o m R a n j ' s

' D r e a m on, m a t e . '

r o o m which resembled the s o u n d of t w o p e o p l e both win­

'Well w h o else is there, for G o d ' s sake?'

ning the W o r l d C u p in the last minute of e x t r a time with

'She's all right.'

a shot from the half-way line. T o my great relief, I s o o n

R a n j n o d d e d t o w a r d s an Indian girl standing near the

discovered that y o u can get satellite p o r n o g r a p h y on

bar.

Indian T V .

'Her?'

186

187

T h e following morning, he informed me that she'd been a bit y o u n g for his taste, but w a s a r e a s o n a b l e performer a n y w a y . H e then politely enquired whether I'd enjoyed my evening's g a m e of bridge.' 'Sod off. It wasn't bridge.' 'What w a s it, then?' 'Whist.' 'Fair enough.' 'And it w a s p i s s - b o r i n g . I'm not going to get anywhere if we just h a n g a r o u n d in this hotel, you k n o w . ' 'It's all right. I've got a p l a n . ' 'What?'

R a n j seemed to k n o w exactly how to drive a s p e e d b o a t ,

'We hire the hotel b o a t a n d cruise the beach.'

even though he claimed that he'd never d o n e it before. W e

'I d u n n o . . . I've never r o w e d before. I don't think we'd

t o o k s o m e cocktails with us, just so we could l o o k even

l o o k t o o cool.'

m o r e like J a m e s B o n d , a n d did a few lengths of the beach

'It's not a rowing b o a t , you arsehole. It's a s p e e d b o a t . '

with me leaning out of the side of the b o a t a n d screaming

'A s p e e d b o a t ? Really?'

for joy. I'd never been so h a p p y in my life. Within a week

'Yeah.'

I seemed to have g o n e f r o m one of the lowest lows of my

'A s p e e d b o a t ? T h a t ' s s u p e r b . I've never been in a

life to . . . to actually being Sean Connery. N o t that Sean

speedboat.' ' Y o u haven't been in a s p e e d b o a t or a r o w i n g b o a t ? ' 'No.'

tends to w h o o p with happiness - but y o u k n o w what I mean. We couldn't get close enough to the beach to really size

'What b o a t s have you been in?'

up the talent on offer, so we d i s e m b a r k e d at one end a n d

'Um . . . a ferry. T h a t ' s a b o u t it.'

t o o k our cocktails for a prowl. R a n j seemed to have a kind

' Y o u ' r e a g l a m o r o u s guy, D a v e . Y o u k n o w that?'

of sexual r a d a r which could detect w o m e n f r o m huge

'Tell me a b o u t it.'

distances, a n d as the signals got stronger, he a l m o s t went into a trance. 'I can feel s o m e t h i n g g o o d . T h e r e ' s something g o o d c o m i n g . Eyes left. Eyes left.' H e w a s a l m o s t running now, a n d with my feet sinking into the hot s a n d , I struggled to keep u p . T h e n R a n j s t o p p e d d e a d , a n d I a l m o s t b u m p e d into him. 'Bingo. Seven b l o n d e s . ' 'Where?'

189

'There.'

and greasy hair. When Fee s a w me a p p r o a c h , she did a

'Where?'

huge d o u b l e take.

'By the water. D o w n there.'

' O h , my G o d ! ' she s a i d . 'It's you!'

' C a n we have a rest? I can't walk that f a r . '

'Yup.'

'Shit - l o o k at that!'

She stared at me with a l o o k of horrified revulsion.

'What?'

'What h a p p e n e d to y o u ? '

'Those two.'

I w a s a b o u t to say that I'd got ill when I realized that

H e pointed inland, and I s a w t w o E u r o p e a n s in the

she w a s referring to my H a w a i i a n shirt a n d lemon-yellow

middle distance, dressed in white saris, sitting in the s h a d e .

shorts, my cocktail a n d the snorkelling gear h a n g i n g round

I realized that a m o n g s t all the w o m e n I'd seen in the whole

my neck.

country, I'd never seen a white sari before. I'd also never

' O h , you k n o w . T h e usual,' I said.

seen any Westerners in saris, so it w a s a strange sight. I

She didn't k n o w h o w to answer that one.

couldn't quite m a k e out their faces, but there w a s s o m e t h i n g

' B u t . . . what are you doing here?'

vaguely familiar a b o u t them.

'Just - you k n o w . H a n g i n g out. W h a t a b o u t y o u ? '

' T h a t ' s weird, that is,' he s a i d . 'I think I recognize them.'

' S a m e , really.' C a z , I noticed, w a s sitting bolt upright in the s a n d ,

' Y o u k n o w what a white sari m e a n s ? '

staring into the m i d d l e distance a n d rocking b a c k w a r d s

'No.'

and f o r w a r d s like an autistic child. She still hadn't l o o k e d

'It's like w e a r i n g b l a c k in E n g l a n d . '

at me or even, apparently, noticed my presence.

'What - for mourning?'

'Is she all right?' I s a i d .

' Y e a h . W i d o w s have to wear white - it symbolizes giving up on worldly pleasures and all that shit.' 'D'you reckon . . . ?'

' N o . A s it h a p p e n s , she isn't,' said Fee, in a tone of voice which seemed to imply that I w a s to b l a m e . 'This is the m o s t incredible coincidence. W h a t are you

'She's s m o k i n g a joint. She's dressed up like that and she's s m o k i n g a joint.'

d o i n g all the w a y d o w n here? I thought you were on an a s h r a m with W h a t s e r n a m e . '

'I really think I recognize t h e m . ' 'It's s p o o k y . T h a t gives me the shivers, that d o e s . '

' W h a t s e r n a m e , as you so rightly call her, is not in our good books.'

'I'm g o i n g to have a look.'

'What d'she d o ? '

'Suit yourself. I'm off d o w n there to check out the

'It's a long story.'

babes.'

'I've got time,' I s a i d , sitting d o w n in the s a n d , and registering that R a n j h a d already infiltrated himself into

As I g o t closer and the faces b e c a m e more distinct, I realized

the g r o u p of blonde bathers. C a z w a s still rocking a n d

that the t w o girls were Fee a n d C a z . A n d they both l o o k e d

staring out to sea.

like death: even thinner than before, with p a l e , blotchy skin

190

I could tell that Fee w a s w o u n d tight with stress, a n d

191

t h o u g h she didn't wa n t to a d m i t it, she w a s

obviously

' Y o u don't k n o w what T a n t r i c is?'

pleased to see me. She stared at me for a while, puffing

'No.'

on her joint, before p a s s i n g it over a n d beginning her

' T a n t r i c meditation?'

story.

'No.'

'It all c o m e s d o w n to this guy. H e ' s called Ping . . .'

'Well, there are sixteen chief meditative states, a n d each

'Ping?'

of the five m a i n schools of thought divides the sixteen into

'. . . and he's the teacher of Intimate Y o g a on our a s h r a m .

three main categories. T h e R e d H a t a n d Yellow H a t T i b e t a n

A n y w a y - we've been there twice before, a n d this w a s our third visit of the year, and each time we've been, C a z has developed m o r e and m o r e of a thing with Ping. A n y w a y this time, we take W h a t s e r n a m e with us, introduce

her to

Ping — a n d it's not as if she doesn't already k n o w a b o u t the C a z - a n d - P i n g thing - a n d . . . and . . . I can't g o on.' She went silent and stared into s p a c e with her lips p u r s e d .

schools follow a b a s i c subdivision . . . ' 'Please. Forget the other fifteen. J u s t tell me what T a n t r i c means.' 'It's not one of the sixteen, silly. It's a whole school. It's one of the five.' 'Fine. Are y o u going to tell me what it is n o w ? ' 'It's very h a r d to encapsulate in a sentence, but it's

'What h a p p e n e d ? '

basically the striving for nirvana through the ultimate cent­

'Well — to cut a long story short, we were in an Intimate

ring of the s e x u a l self.'

Y o g a lesson, a n d Ping w a s helping Liz . . . I m e a n , Whatser­

'What?'

n a m e . . . to locate her centre, when Liz starts m o a n i n g in

'Basically, you meditate by having sex.'

a completely i n a p p r o p r i a t e w a y for a novice. I m e a n , she

'So when you say that Liz and Ping h a d gone T a n t r i c ,

w a s obviously faking. We'd only been there a week. A n y w a y

you m e a n that they were shagging.'

- W h a t s e r n a m e starts m o a n i n g like a cheap slut, a n d the

' T h a t ' s one way of putting it.'

pair of them just stand u p , hold h a n d s and w a l k out. N o w - b e c a u s e C a z can sense Ping's m o o d s , she k n o w s exactly

'Jesus! T h a t ' s unbelievable! Y o u t o o k her to this place, a n d within a week she fucked the Y o g a teacher.'

what's going on and she waits a few minutes then goes

' D o you h a v e to be so crude? T h e point is, C a z is on a

to the private-tuition r o o m . A n d . . . and . . . I can't g o

bit of a knife-edge at the best of times, and the whole thing

on.'

just tipped her over.' 'Over w h a t ? '

T h e r e w a s a long p a u s e . 'And. W h a t ? ' I said, eventually.

'She h a d a collapse. J u s t - oh, it w a s terrible. She s a w

'Well - imagine C a z ' s surprise when she p o k e s her head

the T a n t r i c g o i n g on and started s c r e a m i n g and s m a s h i n g

r o u n d the d o o r and discovers t h a t . . . t h a t . . . they've gone

things. T h e n she t o o k all her clothes off a n d ran a r o u n d

Tantric.'

the entire c o m p o u n d , saying offensive things a b o u t the

'I'm sorry?'

usefulness of meditation. Eventually, one of the spiritual

'They've gone . . . T a n t r i c '

helpers h a d to put her in a strait-jacket.' 'A strait-jacket?'

'What's that m e a n ? '

192

193

'She's fine now, though. I m e a n , she's not fine. She still hasn't spoken or anything. But she's not d a n g e r o u s or

She's still got m o r e than any Indian could possibly wish for.' 'That's rubbish.'

anything.' ' T h a t ' s awful. H o w c o m e they've got strait-jackets in

' Y o u haven't seen the underbelly. Y o u don't understand what a huge privilege it is just to be Western. Financially,

this place?' ' O h , apparently it's quite c o m m o n . T h e pressures of a strict Y o g i c regime can get to s o m e people. T h e r e ' s nothing

I mean. Spiritually, of course, we're utterly impoverished. T h a t ' s why we're p r o n e to this kind of b r e a k d o w n . '

w r o n g with C a z , you k n o w . She just needed a rest. S o after

' B u t . . . she's . . . h o w long has she been like this?'

we got thrown out of the c o m p o u n d . . .'

' O h , a few weeks.'

'They threw you out?'

'And all b e c a u s e L i z s h a g g e d Ping.'

'Of course. Y o u can't have m a d p e o p l e running a r o u n d

' T h a t w a s just the final straw, but basically, yes.'

when you're trying to meditate, you k n o w . It's for the g o o d of everyone. A n y w a y - I decided to fly her d o w n here so she could just relax on the beach, a w a y from all the c r o w d s . T h e n , once she's got her faculty of speech b a c k , I'm going to take her h o m e . I think if we went h o m e like this, it w o u l d upset her p a r e n t s . '

'Jesus.' 'I m e a n it's stupid really, because Ping slept with everybody.' 'What?' 'It w a s part of the tuition, I s u p p o s e . If he thought you were getting s o m e w h e r e , he'd help you go T a n t r i c . '

'Right. T h i s is . . . it's terrible.'

'What — even y o u ? ' ' N o - 1 deliberately didn't let him find my centre, because

'I k n o w . ' 'I m e a n , she looks like a zombie.'

I w a n t e d C a z to have a chance to get there first. She'd h a d

' Y e a h , and we've both got to start university in . . . in

her thing for s o long that I kind of h o p e d if I acted coldly t o w a r d s Ping, he'd get the m e s s a g e and concentrate on

a r o u n d a month.'

Caz.'

'Shit.' 'A bit over, actually. I m e a n it's going to be h a r d enough

'And did he?'

for me to get reacclimatized to Western culture. J u s t the

' N o . T h a t ' s the tragedy. H e concentrated on Liz. By the

thought of wearing Western clothes m a k e s me feel all itchy

looks of things he f o u n d her centre quicker than he found

- they're so restrictive, you k n o w - but for C a z . . . I don't

C a z ' s knee.'

know.'

'Centre? Is that - like - your . . . ?'

'What's she meant to be studying?' 'French a n d Spanish at Bristol.' ' H o w ' s she going to do that when she can't even s p e a k ? '

' N o . Don't be disgusting. Don't you k n o w what Intimate Y o g a is?' 'Of course I don't.'

'It'll t a k e a while, but she'll be fine. When you've been

'It's a way of finding the central point of the bodies'

living with lepers, this kind of thing seems like nothing. I

energies through the laying on of hands of a qualified

m e a n , you've got to put things in a p r o p e r perspective.

Intimate Y o g i . '

194

195

' L a y i n g on of hands?'

p a y him, and all he has to d o is g r o p e them, and they g o

'Exactly. H e teaches the w h o l e g r o u p the basic position,

away happy.'

then, while you're meditating, he comes up to you one by

'He is a genius, as it h a p p e n s , a n d he wouldn't even

one a n d manipulates you into position. When you've f o u n d

understand the concept of groping. H i s mind is on higher

a perfect balance and are at p e a c e , he lays his h a n d s on,

things.'

a n d together you locate your centre.'

' Y e a h , sure. I'm g o i n g to have to learn h o w to d o this.' 'He's a highly qualified m a n . Y o u have to study at the

'Where w a s yours?' 'I never found it exactly, but it w a s s o m e w h e r e here.'

International H e a d q u a r t e r s of Intimate Y o g a for at least

She crossed her legs and sat bolt upright, then p l a c e d the

five years before you get a teacher's certificate.'

fingers of her right hand a fraction a b o v e where the p u b e s

'International H e a d q u a r t e r s ? '

w o u l d have started.

'In S a n F r a n c i s c o . '

'Wow! Is that where everyone's centre is?' 'It depends. It's different for each p e r s o n . ' 'Don't tell me. F a t old p e o p l e have it on their shoulder, a n d y o u n g nubile w o m e n tend to have it b a n g on their clit.'

'This isn't just one guy g r o p i n g w o m e n in a shed in the arse-end of India?' 'It's an international movement.' ' T h a t ' s incredible! S o all over the w o r l d , at this precise m o m e n t , there are hundreds of w o m e n being Intimately

' Y o u are such a cynic. I don't k n o w how you can live with yourself.'

Yogaed.' 'I s u p p o s e s o . '

'This guy's a genius. Where w a s C a z ' s centre?'

'What an a m a z i n g thought.'

' Y o u can't a s k that. It's a very personal question. If you

R a n j then r e a p p e a r e d , and pulled me aside to tell me

k n o w where someone's centre is, you k n o w an awful lot

that he'd just met the East Sweden W o m e n ' s H a n d b a l l

a b o u t them.'

T e a m , w h o were taking a b r e a k from their tour of South

' G o on. I won't tell anyone. Where w a s it?'

A s i a , a n d that he'd a r r a n g e d to meet up with them on the

' L o o k - she never found it exactly.'

beach for a midnight Punjabi lesson.

'Roughly. Where w a s he looking?' 'Well - she only vaguely located it, but they did m a n a g e to pin it d o w n to s o m e w h e r e here, in the c r o o k of the

' H o w m a n y p e o p l e are there in a handball t e a m ? ' I said. 'I d u n n o , but there's seven of them. T h a t might include reserves.'

elbow.' 'See?'

'You're incredible. Fee - d o you w a n t to meet up later

'What are you saying?'

for a midnight Punjabi lesson? T h i s is my friend R a n j . He's

' N o t h i n g . J u s t that he didn't fancy her. Let's face it -

the tutor.'

w h o w a n t s to get in bed with a skeleton.'

Fee's face brightened up at the sight of a n Indian. She

'She's not deaf, you k n o w . Y o u ' r e being very hurtful.'

gave me an impressed smile for m a n a g i n g to befriend a

' T h i s Intimate Y o g a guy is a genius. It's like — p e o p l e

local.

196

197

'So . . . you're . . . D a v i d ' s . . . friend?' enunciated in the style of a 1950s Blue Peter presenter. 'Fuck, yeah. He's a stormin' geezer,' said R a n j . 'Oh, right,' said Fee, blushing.

Don't you think you've had enough fun for the moment?

T h e weird thing a b o u t our midnight Punjabi party w a s that I ignored the

how-to-identify-different-parts-of-Swedish-

a n a t o m y session, which took place a m i d much squealing, and ended up spending the entire time talking to Fee. N o w I k n o w I hated her guts from the first instant I laid eyes on her, a n d I k n o w she's a fake and a snob and a basket-case, but I have to a d m i t that in the circumstances, I started finding her attractive. I think it might have had something to d o with C a z ' s b r e a k d o w n . Fee's over-the-top public-schooliness n o w had the edge taken off it, a n d she had picked up a s a d , slightly s u b d u e d quality that w a s quite a turn-on. There's something a b o u t u n h a p p y w o m e n that always gives me the horn. Fee seemed to have given up on m o s t of the spiritual c r a p , a n d the t w o of us could just sit a n d chat a b o u t everyday things, only mildly put off by C a z ' s presence. She said that she w a s only wearing the sari because the a s h r a m had m a d e her give a w a y all her old clothes, a n d she hadn't got a r o u n d to buying any new ones yet. After we'd been talking for an hour or s o , while we heard R a n j linger over an utterly implausible number of Punjabi w o r d s for 'nipple', a flirty edge started entering our conver­ sation. T h e sound of the lapping ocean, the m o o n s h a d o w s

199

f r o m leaning p a l m trees, the distant music drifting d o w n the b e a c h a n d the nipple-talk all combined to p r o d u c e a n a t m o s p h e r e heavy with the urgent need for c o p u l a t i o n . ' H o w long were you and L i z going out together?' a s k e d Fee, slightly coyly.

'Are you saying what I think you're saying?' said Fee, leaning f o r w a r d a touch. 'I don't k n o w . W h a t d o you think I'm saying?' I said, also leaning f o r w a r d . ' Y o u tell me what you're saying, and I'll tell you if I

'A while.'

think that's w h a t you're saying,' said Fee, leaning f o r w a r d

'Was it . . . g o o d ? '

s o m e m o r e . T h e r e w a s now a b o u t an inch between our

'What - sexually?' I s a i d , with a slight p o u t .

lips.

She shrugged.

'I think you should tell me what you think I'm saying,

I did a few instant calculations, deciding that a 'no' might m a k e me s o u n d like a b a d lover, but a 'yes' w o u l d s o u n d like a brush-off. T h e truth w o u l d give me a w a y as the world's m o s t spectacular loser. 'It w a s O K , but I've h a d better,' I s a i d , impressed with my p o w e r s of d i p l o m a c y .

then I can tell you if that w a s what I w a s actually saying,' I s a i d , leaning f o r w a r d by a b o u t half an inch. 'It looks like we've reached a stalemate, then,' she said, filling in the remaining s p a c e , and placing us lip to lip. T h e only courteous thing to d o in the circumstances w a s to s n o g her.

'What w a s . . . w r o n g with it?'

She w a s , without d o u b t , the w o r s t kisser I'd ever h a d

' O h , you k n o w Liz. She's very pushy. N o t . . .' I p u t my

the misfortune to tangle with. I felt as if my t o n g u e w a s

hand on Fee's leg '. . . exactly what you'd call a sensitive

being v a c u u m - c l e a n e d and put through a w a s h i n g - m a c h i n e

p e r s o n . A n d that c a m e out in her love-making.'

spin cycle at the s a m e time.

'I hate her,' said Fee. 'I hate her m o r e than anyone else in the world.'

I w a s rescued from serious tongue c r a m p s by R a n j sug­ gesting that we all head back to the K o v a l a m A s h o k Beach

'I'm not too keen on her myself.'

R e s o r t to raid our mini bars. A few of the Swedes bottled

'I wish I could . . . could . . .'

out, but R a n j c r a m m e d into a rickshaw with three of them,

'Duff her u p ? '

I shared another one with Fee and C a z , a n d the seven of

'Yes. Duff her up.' T h i s s o u n d e d stupid in Fee's accent,

us d r o v e up the hill to our hotel.

and m a d e us both smile.

After we had gunned d o w n the contents of my mini b a r ,

' Y o u k n o w what w o u l d really piss her off ?' I s a i d .

R a n j took the three S w e d e s next d o o r , a n d I stayed behind

'Tell m e . '

with Fee and C a z .

'Well - me a n d her aren't, like, an item any m o r e , but

'So - here we a r e , then,' I said.

she's still a very jealous p e r s o n , a n d if I went off with

'Here we a r e . '

s o m e o n e else, it w o u l d really get under her skin. 'Specially

T h e r e w a s a silence.

if it w a s s o m e o n e she knew.' Fee l o o k e d at me, blinking twice, but basically l o o k i n g d e a d into my eyes. I held her g a z e , smirking slightly.

200

Since there didn't seem to be much to d i s c u s s , I walked over a n d kissed her. In order to keep my oral mutilation to a m i n i m u m , I tried to undress her at the s a m e time,

201

w h i c h turned out to be a p r o c e s s rather like u n w r a p p i n g a

' H o w can you have sex without penetration?'

m u m m y , and wasn't exactly something you could casually

' Y o u d o . . . other things.'

d o with one h a n d while trying to get your other h a n d into

'It's a contradiction in terms. L i k e non-bike cycling.'

the b r a . I eventually c a m e up with a technique where she

She shut me up by snogging me a little m o r e , then giving

s t o o d still, a n d I w a l k e d r o u n d a n d round her with an

me a b l o w - j o b . T h i s w a s all quite e m b a r r a s s i n g , because

ever-swelling bundle of cloth, kissing her each time I went

whenever I opened my eyes, I kept on seeing C a z . After a

p a s t her face. T h i s was perfectly entertaining, but I didn't

while, I noticed that C a z wasn't even staring at the wall

feel it exactly m a d e for great foreplay.

any m o r e - she h a d swivelled round a n d w a s staring right

W e finally ended up on the bed, dressed in only our

at me, her eyes slightly n a r r o w e d and red with anger. It's

p a n t s , d o i n g the old w r i t h e - a r o u n d - a n d - g r u n t - a - l o t thing

genuinely off-putting to have s o m e o n e stare you in the eye

that y o u d o when you're trying to pretend you're turned

while you're trying to enjoy fellatio, but fortunately Fee's

o n . When Fee started m a k i n g the grunts that you d o when

d i s a s t r o u s s n o g g i n g technique m a d e for fantastic head, so

y o u really are turned on, I started to feel a bit e m b a r r a s s e d .

my concentration w a s n ' t too badly dented, a n d I ended up

'What a b o u t C a z ? ' I said.

c o m i n g right in her m o u t h . She instantly s p a t it out on to

W e s t o p p e d for a m o m e n t , sat up and observed C a z ,

the carpet, which I thought w a s a bit rude, a n d asked me

w h o w a s sitting bolt upright in a chair, staring at the

if I h a d any chewing-gum or sweets. T h e only thing I could

o p p o s i t e wall and rocking slightly faster than usual.

find w a s s o m e h a s h , s o we h a d a joint to get the taste out

'She's fine,' said Fee. 'She's not even looking.'

of her m o u t h - which w a s a relief b e c a u s e all the sexual

' C a n we just leave her there?'

vibes e v a p o r a t e d , so I didn't really feel I h a d to return the

'What else can we d o ? '

favour.

'I don't k n o w . Doesn't it m a k e you feel a bit weird?'

'Are you sure C a z is all right?' I s a i d .

' N o t really. I'm used to it.'

She w a s still staring at us, her eyes n o w even redder,

'I've never been watched before, y o u k n o w . ' 'We could put her in the b a t h r o o m . '

burning with w h a t l o o k e d suspiciously like psychotic fury. 'She can't really sleep in an upright position, unfortu­

' N o - that w o u l d feel w o r s e . '

nately. Is there r o o m in here for her? She doesn't take up

'She's not actually looking. Besides, you might find it's

much s p a c e . '

a turn-on.'

'I s u p p o s e so. But you g o in the middle. I don't want to

'All right. I'll get a c o n d o m . ' ' N o . Don't.'

g o anywhere near her. She l o o k s nutty.' 'Don't worry. She's p r o b a b l y just tired.'

'What - are you on the Pill?' ' N o . I w a n t to have non-penetrative sex.'

We finished the joint, then Fee m a d e me turn my b a c k while she undressed C a z and ushered her into our bed.

'Non-penetrative sex? W h a t the fuck is non-penetrative sex?'

T h e following m o r n i n g I w a s w o k e n up by the s o u n d s of

'Sex without penetration, obviously.'

202

an argument c o m i n g through the wall.

203

' N o , no, no. Absolutely not,' a m a n w a s shouting. 'This kind of thing cannot be permitted. W e are not s o m e kind of cheap brothel. Y o u p e o p l e have n o m o r a l s . ' I then heard R a n j ' s voice float clearly through the wall. 'It's my r o o m , I can d o what I want.' 'It's my hotel, and I simply can't allow it. O r d e r i n g four breakfasts f r o m a single r o o m is m o s t irregular, a n d the p o o r y o u n g m a n w h o delivered the f o o d is still in shock at the sight which greeted him. I must think of my staff first a n d I a m going to have to eject you f r o m the hotel.' 'Is there a rule b o o k , or something? It doesn't say any­ where that you can't share y o u r bed.' 'On your registration f o r m , it e x p r e s s e s the right of the m a n a g e m e n t to d i s p o s e of undesirables, a n d this is what I am doing.'

'I'm not interested in your practices. J u s t leave my hotel, and never d a r k e n its d o o r s again.' With that, he m a r c h e d out and s l a m m e d the d o o r . R a n j then a p p e a r e d in my r o o m , with a huge grin on his face, followed by the three Swedes, dressed only in bra and panties. 'This is hilarious,' he said. 'I've never been chucked out of a hotel before.' 'But we w e r e n ' t . . .' 'And he got you as well. We were listening through the wall, pissing ourselves. First a gang-bang, now a three-in-abed. Priceless.' 'We weren't, though. T h e r e just wasn't anywhere else for C a z to sleep.' 'Whatever. T h i s hotel's a boring shit-heap, anyway. H o w

I then heard the d o o r to R a n j ' s r o o m shut, a n d a few seconds later, there w a s a k n o c k on mine.

a b o u t we join up with these fine y o u n g ladies at the M o o n C o t t a g e Hotel? It's right d o w n by the beach.'

' C o m e in,' I called, a s s u m i n g it w a s R a n j .

'Will you p a s s me my b o x e r s ? '

An Indian m a n in a s m a r t suit timidly entered the r o o m .

H e chucked over s o m e underwear, which I put on under

'I'm terribly sorry to d i s t u r b you, sir, but I a m afraid

the sheet. I noticed that C a z h a d s o m e h o w slept through

that d u e to a p r o b l e m with your c o m p a t r i o t , I will be having

the w h o l e thing, while Fee w a s seemingly in shock

to terminate . . .' A s his sentence tailed a w a y , I s a w the

staring at the wall o p p o s i t e a n d generally acting a bit like

colour drain f r o m his cheeks. ' O h , my G o d ! H e a v e n s a b o v e !

Caz.

-

T h i s one's at it too!' H e turned his b a c k , a n d started to

I got out of bed a n d gave her a gentle p a t on the a r m .

rant in the direction of the d o o r . 'It's a three-in-a-bed! I

'Fee? I think you should get up.'

thought I'd seen everything, but n o w I have t w o English

' N o , ' she s a i d .

gentlemen entertaining multiple girls on the s a m e night.

'Pardon?'

First it's a g a n g - b a n g , and n o w I find a three-in-a-bed. T h i s

At that m o m e n t , her m o u t h opened wide, and she started

is just the limit. Please - the p a i r of you will be out of my

yelling

hotel in less than half an hour. Y o u people are a n i m a l s .

C A N ' T ! I C A N ' T G E T O U T OF BED! THIS

Y o u have no morality whatsoever.'

THE

' Y o u don't understand. W e w e r e n ' t . . . I m e a n she's just . . . T h a t ' s just her friend. W e couldn't leave her in the chair.'

at the top of MOST

her voice.

'NOOOOOOO! I

COMFORTABLE

BED

IN

WORLD! I CAN'T! I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! NOOOOOOO!' T h e hotel m a n a g e r charged b a c k into the r o o m .

204

IS

THE

205

' W H A T I S T H I S R A C K E T ? Y O U . . . ' T h e n , catch­

'I C A N ' T G O ! I C A N ' T ! I T ' S A P R O P E R B E D ! '

ing sight of the half-naked S w e d e s , he spun r o u n d to face

T h e Swede l o o k e d at me.

the wall. 'Oh my G o d ! T h i s is t o o much! I cannot c o p e

'They've been having a h a r d time lately,' I said.

with this.' N o w he w a s a l m o s t crying. 'Please. Clothe these

' D o you w a n t to go h o m e ? ' she said.

w o m e n . I simply cannot have it. A n d this noise is simply intolerable . . .' ' N O O O O O O O ! I C A N ' T GO! I CAN'T GO!' 'I have other guests to consider. Y o u are ruining the reputation of this establishment.' 'IT'S A B E D ! A R E A L B E D ! I H A V E T O ONE

OF

WEEKS

THOSE

WOODEN

F I N I S H E D . I C A N ' T G I V E UP

NOW.'

'Don't you think you've h a d enough fun for the m o m e n t ? Y o u might be happier at h o m e . '

SLEEP

IN A R E A L BED! I'M N E V E R G O I N G T O SLEEP ON

'I C A N ' T . I C A N ' T . I ' V E G O T T W O

L E F T . I C A N ' T G I V E UP N O W . I'VE N E A R L Y

BOARDS

AGAIN! NEVER! NEVERNEVERNEVER! AND THERE'S A CARPET! I NEED THE CARPET!' 'Get this shrieking harpy out of my hotel.' C a z chose that m o m e n t to w a k e u p . Seeing Fee wail, her face instantly crumpled, and she sat bolt upright, e x p o s i n g her breasts to the r o o m . She started rocking faster than ever, twisting her hair a r o u n d one finger and m o a n i n g to herself at a disturbingly high pitch.

'BUT I'VE N E A R L Y F I N I S H E D . I C A N ' T

GO

NOW.' 'There's no m o r e beds here now. T h i s is your last one until y o u go h o m e . ' T h i s set her off a g a i n . ' N O O O O ! I C A N ' T G E T UP! I T ' S A P R O P E R BED. NOOOO!' ' N O O O O O O O ! ' wailed C a z , her first w o r d for more than a month. 'Well,' said the S w e d e , 'how w o u l d you like if we take you into town n o w ? W e ring your parents a n d explain that

'It's an asylum!' shrieked the hotel m a n a g e r .

you are not h a p p y , then we g o to a ticket agent a n d b o o k

'Don't worry,' said one of the Swedes. ' T h e girls are a

you to g o h o m e , a s k i n g that your father p a y s on a credit

little upset. We'll cheer them u p a g a i n , and then we can all

c a r d , yes? T h a t w a y , you will be b a c k in a p r o p e r bed

leave. D o n ' t worry.' She put an a r m on the m a n a g e r ' s

before you can think a b o u t it. Y o u won't have to sleep on

shoulder, causing him to yelp.

a hard bed ever a g a i n . '

T h e m a n a g e r , his face a livid red with the p a i n of not l o o k i n g at the sublime tits hovering just underneath his chin, wriggled out f r o m under her a r m . ' Y o u have twenty minutes, then I'm calling the police.' H e m a r c h e d out, suavely tripping over a chair leg on the w a y a n d s l a m m i n g the d o o r behind him. T h e s a m e Swedish girl then w a l k e d up to the bed, a n d put her a r m a r o u n d Fee, w h o w a s n o w m o a n i n g in competition with C a z . ' Y o u ' r e not h a p p y , yes?'

zo6

' D o you think s o ? ' ' M a y b e one last night, then you can g o straight to a p r o p e r bed.' 'Really?' 'Of course. Y o u t w o . . .' she turned to R a n j a n d me, w h o were cowering in the corner, a n d clicked her fingers at us. ' G o outside a n d I'll m a k e her dressed. What's her name?' 'Fee.'

207

'And her friend?'

a r o u n d an international airport for long e n o u g h , s o m e o n e

'Caz.'

eventually p u t s you on a plane going in vaguely the right

' O K . N o w go.'

direction.

W e stumbled next d o o r while the nubile half-naked Swedes stayed behind to help dress the m a d E n g l i s h w o m e n .

By this s t a g e I h a d told R a n j all a b o u t the b a c k g r o u n d to

In silence, I watched R a n j getting dressed a n d p a c k e d .

Fee a n d C a z ' s b r e a k d o w n s , a story which sent him into

After a few minutes, the half-naked Swedes ushered in the

p a r o x y s m s of glee. H e insisted that I told only an edited

n o w fully clothed Fee a n d C a z , and I went b a c k next d o o r ,

version to the S w e d e s , leaving out enough for R a n j to be

still in my b o x e r shorts. In the corridor, I noticed twenty

able to p o s e as a master of Intimate Y o g a .

or so c h a m b e r m a i d s c r o w d e d a r o u n d the fire exit, staring

H e held off until Fee a n d C a z h a d left, but on the very

at me with their eyes on stalks. I shrugged at them a n d

d a y of their flight he let slip a few w o r d s a b o u t his yogic

slunk a w a y .

mastery, and afternoon sessions on the beach s o o n b e c a m e a regular part of the d a y .

R a n j , w h o h a d spent the week practising his uncle's signa­

All of the S w e d e s , except for the goalkeeper, turned out

ture, p a i d the bill with an elegantly flourished A m e r i c a n

to be centred on v a r i o u s p a r t s of the upper inner thigh or

E x p r e s s G o l d C a r d . T h a t afternoon, the competent S w e d e

extreme lower a b d o m e n .

r a n g Fee and C a z ' s parents w h o , by the s o u n d of things, e m b a r k e d on nervous b r e a k d o w n s of their o w n in E n g l a n d . Fee's m u m t o o k charge and b o o k e d flights f r o m the Air India office in L o n d o n , a r r a n g i n g for us to pick up the tickets at T r i v a n d r u m airport. T h e earliest flights she could get were for a c o u p l e of days later, so we took turns acting as b o d y g u a r d s . While Fee had t a k e n a m a j o r b a c k w a r d s step since the three-in-a-bed episode, C a z seemed to have taken a turn for the better a n d h a d p r o g r e s s e d f r o m total silence to n e a r - p e r m a n e n t gibbering. A w h o l e g a n g of us t o o k them on the bus to T r i v a n d r u m airport, picked up their tickets, then let them loose into the d e p a r t u r e lounge. T h e t w o of them staggered off in worryingly different directions. T h e chances of them getting on the right plane in T r i v a n d r u m seemed slim e n o u g h , let alone of changing flights successfully in B o m b a y , but there w a s nothing m o r e we could d o . Presumably, if you s t u m b l e

208

the entire length of the country, a n d a c c o r d i n g to T h e B o o k took forty-eight h o u r s , which, if I left a spare day for emergencies a n d three days in Delhi for reconfirming my

Peace

flight h o m e , m e a n t that I h a d to get a m o v e on. R a n j and I t o o k a depressed trip into T r i v a n d r u m together, and he headed to the airport to see what flights he could get to the P u n j a b , while I went to the railway station. B a c k on the beach, we l o o k e d at our little slips of p a p e r a s if they were death w a r r a n t s . Well - he did, anyway. I w a s actually quite pleased to be g o i n g h o m e , even if it did temporarily seem like a bit of a s h a m e to be leaving

Dear Mum & Dad, I'm sorry about the last postcard, but I was feeling a bit low at the time. I'm now having an amazing time. I've met up with this really nice Indian guy who's been paying for me to stay at an expensive hotel with him. We're having a brilliant laugh together and have just moved down to a smaller hotel near the beach, so that we can be nearer the action. I'll be home soon. love, Dave PS Apparently Liz has been sleeping with a yoga guru in Rajasthan. If you bump into her parents, pass this on.

K o v a l a m behind. In fact, if I'm honest, I w a s so excited a b o u t going b a c k to E n g l a n d that I could hardly get to sleep that night. O n the morning of my train, R a n j got up early a n d w a v e d me off from the hotel d o o r . We e x c h a n g e d addresses and p h o n e n u m b e r s , but the whole thing w a s a bit of a s h a m , a n d it w a s o b v i o u s that we'd never really see each other a g a i n . If we ever met up in L o n d o n , it w o u l d p r o b a b l y spoil things. I didn't w a n t to meet the Putney

Ranj.

H e ' d p r o b a b l y be just another ordinary Asian bloke, a n d he'd spoil my m e m o r i e s of India R a n j , the priceless nutter.

Dear Grandad, I'm having a brilliant time. India has been a fascinating experience which has changed me enormously. Some of the railways here still have steam trains in operation! I hope you're well. love, Dave

O n the train to Delhi, I felt that I w a s already on my w a y h o m e , a n d h a d the strange sensation that m o r e than anything else this w a s exactly what I w a n t e d to be doing. I didn't want to be at h o m e , I wanted to be going home. All the difficult stuff w a s behind me, a n d the long train journey b a c k to the capital felt like a lap of honour. Staring out of the w i n d o w while I returned to my starting point, I

When

the

Swedes

finally

left,

Ranj

slumped

into

a

began to feel all colonial a b o u t things — as if I w a s surveying

depression. By this stage I only h a d a week left in India, so

territory that I h a d conquered. T h e longer the journey

we agreed that R a n j w o u l d g o h o m e , a p o l o g i z e a n d get

lasted, the m o r e impressed with myself I b e c a m e . Such a

e n g a g e d , while I got the train to Delhi. T h i s journey covered

huge distance, a n d it w a s all mine - I'd done it all. I couldn't

2.10

211

believe that I'd actually covered so much g r o u n d on my

'Starting uni?'

o w n - a n d without getting killed, r o b b e d or eaten.

'Err . . . yeah. I s u p p o s e s o . '

F o r the entire forty-eight-hour journey, I stared out of

'What are you reading?'

the w i n d o w in a state of serene c a l m , or slept the d r e a m l e s s

'A J o h n G r i s h a m thing. I can't remember the title.'

sleep of a freshly crowned O l y m p i c c h a m p i o n .

' N o — I m e a n , at university. W h a t subject?' ' O h , right. U m . . . English.'

B a c k in Delhi, I returned to M r s C o l a c o ' s guest-house a n d even m a n a g e d to get the s a m e dormitory bed as last time. I sat on the hard mattress for a while, cross-legged, a n d

'Really? Where?' 'York. Y o u on a year off ?' I a s k e d , trying to change the subject. I wasn't ready to think a b o u t h o m e yet.

contemplated how cool I w a s . I h a d actually d o n e it. I w a s

'Yeah.'

back where I started, a n d I w a s still alive. I felt y e a r s older

' J u s t starting?'

a n d infinitely wiser than w h e n I'd last been in the s a m e

'Yeah. We're d o i n g a couple of m o n t h s here, then hope­

place. I h a d lasted the entire three months without giving

fully a month in P a k i s t a n , then T h a i l a n d , Indonesia and

up a n d going home. T h e trip w a s a success.

Australia.'

I still didn't really k n o w w h a t travellers were s u p p o s e d to d o all d a y , but that didn't seem to matter. I was

a

'Cool.' 'Bit daunting, actually.'

traveller. I'd been to places a n d done things that m o s t

'You'll be fine,' I s a i d , thinking that they were certain to

people avoid out of fear. I h a d suffered, a n d confronted

get cripplingly ill at s o m e point, not to mention depression,

d a r k sides of myself. I h a d experienced the w o r l d .

loneliness, d e s p a i r , r o b b e r y , homesickness, a n d the fact that they'd p r o b a b l y end up hating each other's guts. ' Y o u

After a while, two nervous guys in clean-looking jeans

should have a laugh.'

w a l k e d in, claimed a pair of b e d s , then sat there in silence,

Seeing these fresh-faced scared little bunnies a b o u t to

l o o k i n g as if a b o m b h a d just e x p l o d e d inside their heads.

head off a r o u n d India reminded me how p l e a s e d I w a s that

I noticed that they still h a d airline t a g s on their b a c k p a c k s .

I'd got the whole thing over with. In the end, I w a s glad

'Hi,' said one of them.

I'd d o n e it, but I h a d to a d m i t that the having done it

'Peace - er, I mean hi,' I s a i d . ' Y o u just arrived?'

w a s m o r e fun than the doing it. C r a p p i n g your p a n t s , for

'Yeah.'

e x a m p l e , is a dire a n d miserable experience; but having

' Y o u feeling a bit out of it?'

c r a p p e d your p a n t s - I m e a n , that's a pretty g o o d conver­ I can't

sational party-piece. I'd get a lot a mileage out of my

believe this. H o w are you s u p p o s e d to do anything here?'

d o g - b u r g e r story. In fact, ten years on it w o u l d p r o b a b l y

'Jeeeesus,' g r o a n e d the other one. 'It's s o hot. 'You're not, really. D o nothing. Whatever.'

end up being the only thing I remembered, regardless of

'Right.' H e looked at me a s if I w a s talking nonsense.

the fact that in all likelihood it wasn't even d o g meat in

' H o w long have you been here?' said his friend.

the burger. I could already feel that the d o g - b u r g e r story

' O h , long enough. I'm off h o m e in a couple of d a y s . '

w a s taking pride of place a m o n g my India anecdotes. B a s e d

212

213

on what I'd heard from other travellers, this story h a d just the right c o m b i n a t i o n of

silly-little-me-I-shouldn't-have-

done-it-ness and I'm-so-hard-I-dealt-with-it-anyway-ness. It w a s obvious that no one w o u l d ever a s k me what the

A completely different person

m o u n t a i n s looked like, or how the climate changed a r o u n d the country - they'd just w a n t to k n o w if I s h a g g e d anyone, a n d how ill I'd got. Luckily for me I'd done both (sort o f ) , s o I'd a l w a y s have something to show for my trip. A n d whatever happened to m e for the whole rest of my life, however boring I b e c a m e , I w o u l d always be able to say that I h a d gone round India for three months on my own. I m e a n , I hadn't d o n e the whole thing on my o w n , but

M y take-off time w a s six-thirty in the morning, a n d it said

w h a t the hell - I could say what I wanted.

on my ticket that I h a d to check in three hours early, s o there w a s hardly any point in going to bed. I m a n a g e d to get the hotel to a r r a n g e a rickshaw for t w o in the morning, and I spent the evening reading, then went to the meeting place that I h a d agreed with the driver. H e w a s fast asleep in the driver's cabin, and I t a p p e d him on the a r m a few times without any luck. Only when I g a v e him a pinch did he actually w a k e u p . H i s head s p r a n g from his folded a r m s , and he l o o k e d at me with startled and p a n i c k e d eyes, until he r e m e m b e r e d w h o I w a s . H e then grunted and stumbled to a t a p in a nearby wall. After having d o u s e d his face, he staggered b a c k to the rickshaw, started it u p , a n d we drove off. All over the city, we p a s s e d rickshaw drivers asleep in their little cabins. I hadn't realized that they didn't g o h o m e at the end of the day. I felt suddenly guilty, as it occurred to m e that m a y b e I'd been a bit meaner than w a s strictly necessary - haggling over every rupee on every journey. T h i s emotion w a s instantly s w a m p e d , however, by a surge of relief. I realized that for the entire three months, nagging little m o m e n t s of guilt like this h a d been g n a w i n g a w a y at me, a n d in only a few hours I'd be free of it all, for ever.

215

It w a s hard to tell from behind, but my driver's lolling

I tossed the Frisbee to O o m p t , retired from the g a m e

head a n d wo b b l y steering g a v e the distinct impression that

a n d watched her take a seat in the furthest corner of the

he w a s asleep for a significant portion of the journey.

departure hall. I wasn't sure whether or not she h a d seen

Despite a few close calls, I w a s still alive when we arrived

me. After a m o m e n t of indecision, I started w a l k i n g t o w a r d s

at the airport, s o I gave him a generous tip. A cynic w o u l d

her with my heart p u m p i n g fast. I tried to breathe slowly

say that I w a s just offloading a l o a d of useless currency on

in order to help m a s k my anxiety, but this just got me out

the first person I could think of, but I genuinely did w a nt

of breath and m a d e me look even m o r e a n x i o u s .

to tip him. If I'd k n o w n h o w little money rickshaw drivers m a d e , I w o u l d have tipped all of them. At first sight the airport w a s utterly deserted, but after a brief w a n d e r I spotted a small g r o u p of p e o p l e in one

When I got close, I s a w that not only w a s she in a white sari, she even h a d one of those red blobs on her forehead. W h a t a twat! 'Hi!'

distant corner of the huge check-in hall. It turned out that

'Hi.'

this g r o u p consisted of five other travellers, all of w h o m

She shot me a sneer, then looked a w a y . I h a d felt briefly

were getting the s a m e flight as me. T h e r e w a s Brian, a B T

sympathetic t o w a r d s her, seeing her turn up at the airport

phone engineer who'd just finished his trip-of-a-lifetime

all on her o w n , but when I s a w that scornful look, I w a s

a n d w a s worried that he wouldn't get his j o b b a c k ; his

instantly reminded of h o w much I hated her.

nameless sulking girlfriend with her nose in a Jilly C o o p e r ; Lionel, a trainee chiropodist from L a n c a s h i r e ; O o m p t , a G e r m a n engineering student; a n d his friend Litty, w h o w a s doing a PhD on ground frost. We sat a r o u n d a n d chatted for a while, until O o m p t mentioned that he h a d a Frisbee in his r u c k s a c k . F o u r of us then got up a n d started playing a huge g a m e of

I decided to be friendly, though, since I knew that w a s the best way to annoy her. 'Isn't this a m a z i n g ? ' 'What?' 'Us. Both here.' 'We are b o o k e d on the s a m e flight, you k n o w . It's not exactly what I'd call a huge surprise.'

long-distance indoor Frisbee, covering half the length of

'Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten a b o u t that.'

the building.

She glared at me, and silence descended.

While we were playing, I noticed a strange albino-looking w o m a n in an all-white sari step through the d o o r s . When I s a w the rucksack in her l u g g a g e trolley, I realized she wasn't an albino, but w a s p r o b a b l y a Westerner with s h a m e ­ less taste in clothes. T h e n , when her head turned t o w a r d s us, I froze and the Frisbee hit me in the face. O h my G o d ! It w a s Liz. She m a y have been w e a r i n g Indian clothes, but it w a s definitely her. She still h a d the s a m e effortfully serene walk.

216

'When you first w a l k e d in, I thought you were an albino.' 'Very funny.' 'Then I s a w it w a s you, and I couldn't believe it! D r e s s e d in all this gear.' 'I've simply a d a p t e d to the Indian climate a n d culture. T h a t is the point of c o m i n g here, in c a s e you hadn't realized.' ' L o o k s weird, though. Y o u ' r e going to stand out a mile on the Piccadilly line.' ' M y parents are picking me u p , actually.'

217

' Y o u going to stop w e a r i n g this stuff when y o u get h o m e , then?'

'How?' 'I'm just . . . you k n o w , much m o r e g r o w n up. I was a

'What d o you mean by h o m e ? ' ' H o m e . Y o u r m u m a n d d a d ' s house.' 'I don't consider that to be h o m e any m o r e . I've m o v e d on.'

kid - n o w I'm a p r o p e r , confident adult.' ' Y o u were far t o o cocky in the first place, D a v e . I don't think increased confidence is exactly g o i n g to turn you into a better p e r s o n . ' ' C o c k y is different from confident. T h a t ' s exactly the

'Where's h o m e , then?' 'Wherever I wa n t it to be.' 'So you're going to stick with the sari, then?'

point. K i d s are cocky, adults are quietly confident.' 'And you're quietly confident now, are y o u ? '

She l o o k at me contemptuously.

'If you w a n t to put it like that, yes.'

'I'll p r o b a b l y a d a p t to E n g l a n d when I arrive, but for

She creased up with laughter.

the time being I can't actually remember what it's like.'

'Fuck off, L i z . I don't need this.'

' C o l d . Wet.'

'You're hilarious.'

'Still a m o a n e r , I see.'

'Don't patronize m e , you pretentious bitch.'

' T h a t ' s not a m o a n . I'm g l a d to be going b a c k . I've h a d

' O o h ! Is this you being quietly confident?'

a l a u g h , but - you k n o w - I've got to get on with my life.'

She started laughing again.

A s those w o r d s c a m e out of my m o u t h , I felt my head

' L o o k — sort yourself out, here. If you're g o i n g to act

go dizzy. Suddenly, for the first time, it hit me that I really

like this, I . . . I might just find myself telling J a m e s a b o u t

w a s a b o u t to g o home. I w a s a b o u t to climb into a metal

you a n d your Intimate Y o g a m a n . '

b o x that w o u l d take me b a c k to E n g l a n d , a n d b a c k to real

T h e laughter s t o p p e d .

life. In just over a fortnight, I'd be starting university. I'd

'Where did you hear that?'

have to w o r k — read p r o p e r b o o k s - write things. 'Get on with your life? T h a t ' s typical. Y o u ' r e a typical

' F r o m a certain little birdie I b u m p e d into. A n d we got on rather well, as it h a p p e n s . ' ' Y o u b u m p e d into . . . ?'

Western careerist.' 'Why - what are you planning to d o ? Y o u ' r e not going to be able to keep up this hippie-bullshit act in E n g l a n d , you k n o w . It's b a c k to the real w o r l d , now.'

'I shan't say m o r e . But they told me exactly

what

happened.' ' L o o k , D a v e - don't let's forget that you spent the m a j o r ­

'I can't believe that you've still got the s a m e attitude.

ity of the year trying to s h a g your best mate's girlfriend,

Y o u ' v e spent three months here, a n d the whole experience

which doesn't put you in much of a position to blackmail.'

just hasn't m a d e the slightest dent.'

'Who said anything a b o u t blackmail? I just suggested

'Dent? H a s n ' t m a d e a dent? Believe m e - I ' v e been through

that we try a n d m a k e an effort to sustain s o m e kind of civil

a w h o l e car crash here. I'm a completely different p e r s o n . '

relationship. Neither of us wants r u m o u r s circulating in E n g l a n d , d o we?'

' Y e a h , right.'

She gave me one of her spine-tinglingly evil l o o k s .

'I a m . '

218

219

'With any luck, we'll never see each other a g a i n , ' she s a i d , lifting a b o o k from her l a p and starting to read. I w a t c h e d her reading for a few seconds until it b e c a m e clear that, as usual, Liz h a d got the last w o r d . 'Let's hope s o , ' I muttered half-heartedly a n d loped off.

PART THREE

Dave the traveller

Something unrealistic

Driving h o m e from H e a t h r o w , I felt a l m o s t as if I w a s seeing L o n d o n for the first time. I w a s a m a z e d by h o w clean it all w a s , how there were p r o p e r r o a d s with pavements everywhere, how all the shops had e n o r m o u s glass w i n d o w s at the front, h o w the only animals were p l u m p little d o g s on leads, and h o w all the cars m o v e d a r o u n d as if they were in a road-safety film. N o one seemed to be just hanging out — p e o p l e were all m a r c h i n g a r o u n d , purposefully going somewhere. Everyone w a s in their o w n little b u b b l e , hidden behind glass, or a r a i n c o a t , or even just a fast walk. A n d for s o m e r e a s o n English number-plates all looked really silly. T h e w h o l e place seemed m o r e like a kind of T o y t o w n than a city. T h e r e w a s something unrealistic a b o u t everything - as if it w a s all a p a r o d y of silly little England. T h e first thing I did when I w a l k e d through the front d o o r w a s to gulp d o w n a glass of water straight from the t a p . W h a t a luxury! M u m offered to cook me whatever I wanted, a n d I a s k e d for a steak with green beans a n d new p o t a t o e s . She instantly p r o d u c e d it all from the fridge a n d started c o o k i n g , saying that she'd k n o w n exactly what I'd want and h a d bought it all in advance.

223

While I ate, she a s k e d me s o many questions a b o u t the

b e c o m e used to lurid food a n d b r o w n l a n d s c a p e s , but

trip that I s o m e h o w failed to tell her anything. T h e minute

suddenly everything w a s the other w a y r o u n d . A g a i n , it all

I e m b a r k e d on a story, she'd interrupt me after a c o u p l e of

looked slightly unconvincing. N o t h i n g felt quite real. I

sentences to a s k what I'd eaten, where I'd slept, h o w I'd

started touching

w a s h e d my clothes, a n d all sorts of tedious c r a p which

firmation

s o m e h o w stopped me from ever explaining what the trip

stroking a wet bench a n d t w a n g i n g leaves from their

had actually felt like. T h e m o r e I talked, the less I seemed

branches.

a n d squeezing things for extra

con­

of their existence — plucking s t r a n d s of grass,

to explain anything. She just couldn't understand what I

O n the w a y h o m e f r o m the p a r k , I p o p p e d into my local

w a s talking a b o u t . T h e r e w a s simply no point of contact

corner s h o p for a b a r of p r o p e r , real, English D a i r y M i l k

between her w o r l d a n d mine. It w a s like trying to explain

chocolate. ( Y o u can get a version of the s a m e thing in

the rules of basketball to a jellyfish.

India, with the s a m e w r a p p e r , but it has the texture of

Before long, she lost interest a n d started telling me a b o u t

pastry.) I had the usual 'All right, m a t e , h o w ' s things,

everything that had h a p p e n e d at h o m e since I left, none of

Arsenal aren't l o o k i n g t o o g o o d ' conversation with the guy

which seemed to a m o u n t to anything. As far a s I could tell,

behind the counter, then found myself a s k i n g him where

everything w a s exactly the s a m e as before, a n d yet her

he w a s f r o m .

version of the last three m o n t h s t o o k up a l m o s t as much time as mine. Watching her jabber a w a y , I w a s a m a z e d that she could talk at such length without it d a w n i n g on her h o w b o r i n g she w a s .

H e g a v e me a weird look. 'I've just been in India,' I explained. ' T h a t ' s why you haven't seen me for a while.' ' O h , right!' he s a i d , smiling broadly. In fifteen years of

T h e steak, which w a s stunningly delicious, g a v e me

using his s h o p I realized that I'd never particularly seen

s t o m a c h c r a m p s . I hadn't tried to digest anything that solid

him smile before. ' G u j a r a t , ' he said. 'Originally my family's

for m o n t h s - in fact, my d o g - b u r g e r w a s p r o b a b l y the only

from G u j a r a t . '

meal I'd eaten in India that h a d required any chewing. I put a t h u m b in my m o u t h a n d did a quick check to see if my teeth were all still properly attached, then went for

' C o o l . I only p a s s e d through G u j a r a t . What's it like?' 'Ah - very beautiful. T h e m o s t beautiful place in the w o r l d . Y o u shouldn't a s k me, though, I'm b i a s e d . '

a stroll to try a n d w a l k off the s t o m a c h pain. T h e weather

'When d'you c o m e here, then?'

w a s simply g o r g e o u s - a grey sky, with s c u d d i n g clouds

'I w a s fourteen.'

blotting out the sun, and a deliciously chilly wind that gave

'Fourteen!'

me g o o s e - b u m p s on my a r m s . It w a s such a joy to be cold

'Yeah. I g o b a c k once each year. T o see my family.'

- to feel the crisp air in my t h r o a t a n d chest, with the wind

'Right.'

stinging my cheeks, a n d my nose turning red. I s t o o d still

'Where did you visit, then?'

a n d t o o k my first p r o p e r lungful of English air. A a h h h ! T r u d g i n g through the s o g g y grass of my local p a r k , I w a s struck by the incredible greenness of everything. I'd

224

' O h , I flew to Delhi, then I went up to H i m a c h a l Pradesh . . .' 'Aah - H i m a c h a l Pradesh is beautiful.'

225

'Amazing. T h a t bit w a s incredible. T h e n I went a c r o s s to R a j a s t h a n , d o w n to G o a . . .'

incapable of reconciling the pleasure of having d o n e it with the misery of d o i n g it, a n d the feeling of pleasure w a s s o

'By p l a n e ? '

immediate, and s o powerful, that it swept a w a y all rival

' T r a i n a n d bus, mainly.'

emotions. I couldn't really remember w h a t the agonizing

' Y o u went from R a j a s t h a n to G o a without flying? Are

bus journeys h a d felt like - I couldn't revisit the sensation of having that brutally h a r d seat slap my bruised arse a n d

you crazy?' 'I didn't really k n o w h o w far it w a s . I kind of regretted

throw me on to the floor, but I could remember what I'd

it, actually. T h e n I went d o w n to B a n g a l o r e a n d on to

seen out of the w i n d o w a n d how the first glimpse of the

Kerala.'

m o u n t a i n s h a d m a d e my heart surge.

'I've never visited the south. O n e day, m a y b e - but with w o r k a n d children . . .'

All my contradictory feelings were p a s s i n g through a filter which w a s picking out anything unpleasant or painful.

'It's tough.'

I could already sense that I w a s going to end up with clear,

'Mmm.'

uncomplicated, positive memories. M y journey r o u n d India

' Y o u should go. It's beautiful.'

w a s already reducing itself into just another person's ' a m a z ­

'So I've been told.'

ing experience'.

'It really is a m a z i n g . ' 'Will you ever g o b a c k ? ' he said. 'Me?' 'Yes.' ' G o d — I haven't really thought a b o u t it. Y o u k n o w — it's h a r d w o r k travelling there. It's not exactly relaxing. But . . . m a y b e in a few years . . . if I get another chance. Y e a h , I wouldn't mind g o i n g b a c k . ' O u r conversation tailed a w a y , a n d I w a n d e r e d outside feeling oddly perturbed that I w a s already saying I wanted to g o b a c k to India. After only a few hours in E n g l a n d , all the u n p l e a s a n t p a r t s of my trip were tumbling f r o m my m e m o r y . Rationally, I c o u l d still just a b o u t weigh things up a n d remember that for the majority of the time I'd been miserable, but I felt s o h a p p y that I'd done it, a n d h a d survived, that my positive e m o t i o n s were already beginning to s w a m p everything else. In my mind, the trip w a s turning itself into an a m o r p h o u s good

zz6

thing.

I was

becoming

the whole length of the p u b , then b o u n d e d over a n d gave me a hug. T h i s w a s rather intimidating, since it meant that either he still didn't k n o w what h a d h a p p e n e d , or he knew

I'm going to have to do this

everything, a n d w a s biding his time before he planted a knife in my b a c k . Liz smiled and g a v e me a peck on the cheek.

T h e r e w a s no trace of India left in her

body

language. With J a m e s at the b a r queuing for drinks, the a t m o s p h e r e instantly thickened. L i z stared at me blankly, giving nothing a w a y , while I stared at her, trying to guess what on earth she could be thinking. I'd been h o m e for a couple of days when I got a phone

' Y o u ditched the sari, then?' I said, eventually.

call f r o m J a m e s . T h e r e w a s such a lot to say a n d , m o r e

'What's it to y o u ? '

importantly, such a lot to avoid saying, that I kept our

I shrugged.

p h o n e conversation short a n d a r r a n g e d to meet up in a p u b

' H a v e you told him?' I said.

later. I didn't mention L i z , a n d h o p e d she wouldn't c o m e ,

' T o l d him what}'

but I noticed him using the w o r d 'we' where he ought to

'About us.'

have been saying 'I', which I took as an o m i n o u s sign.

'There's nothing to tell.' 'Right. Silly me.'

T h a t evening, both of them turned up at the p u b together,

'I just said that we went, h a d fun a n d c a m e b a c k . '

a r m in a r m . M y heart sank. I h a d no idea what she h a d

' Y o u didn't even tell him that we s e p a r a t e d ? '

told him a b o u t our trip, a n d how much I w o u l d be able to

'No.'

say without contradicting her.

'Why not?'

J a m e s w a s significantly skinnier than I r e m e m b e r e d him, and his neat hair h a d been t r a n s f o r m e d into a straggly m o p which dangled in blonde w a v e s on either side of his now tuftily bearded face. H e w a s wearing s a n d a l s , jeans a n d a stretched, misshapen T-shirt. H e used to l o o k like R i c h a r d C l a y d e r m a n as school prefect, but now he w a s J e s u s - w i t h - a h a n g o v e r as student-union rep. Liz w a s wearing a short skirt a n d a b o d y - h u g g i n g t o p

'Because I don't w a n t to have to lie to him, s o I told him a b o u t the trip without really mentioning you.' ' Y o u lied to him because you don't w a n t to have to lie to him.' ' O h , G o d . H e r e we g o again. D a v e a n d his tedious g a m e s . ' 'Don't start, L i z . I'd just like to k n o w w h a t I can a n d can't say.' 'As little as p o s s i b l e , if you can m a n a g e that for once.'

that m a d e my balls gurgle. T h e sari and the red s p o t h a d

'Oh, so I'm the talkative one n o w , a m I? T h a t ' s rich.'

vanished.

' D r o p it. H e ' s c o m i n g b a c k . '

As s o o n as J a m e s s a w me, he screamed my n a m e a c r o s s

228

J a m e s arrived at the table to find us shining brittle

229

smiles at one another. Liz p u t her a r m a r o u n d him a n d , for my benefit, gave him a sexy kiss on the neck. ' Y o u ' r e a lucky m a n , ' I s a i d , with a s a r c a s m pitched only for Liz.

T h e n I suddenly w o n d e r e d why I should feel relieved. I didn't have to lie for L i z . I w a s under no obligation to her. She h a d treated me like an arsehole and h a d deserted me in the middle of India. T h e r e w a s no r e a s o n why I h a d to

'I certainly a m , ' said J a m e s , smiling wanly a n d s t r o k i n g

lie on her behalf in order to help sustain her d o o m e d , dishonest relationship. I had a l m o s t forgotten the vital fact

her a r m . 'So h o w w a s your trip, then?' I said.

that I hated her guts. T h e only real issue w a s my friendship

'Incredible. Best thing I've ever d o n e . A n d y o u r s ? '

with J a m e s , but if he carried on going out with Liz, then

' Y e a h - g o o d . Y o u k n o w , there were a few difficult bits,

that w a s all over, a n y w a y .

but - basically - it w a s an a m a z i n g experience.' 'Liz s o m e h o w p e r s u a d e d y o u to leave cosy little E n g l a n d ? ' 'Somehow.'

In a s u d d e n , light-headed m o m e n t , I realized that I h a d nothing to lose. I could have s o m e fun. ' Y o u k n o w w h a t ? ' I s a i d , with a grin. 'I thought you

' H o w did she do it, then? Y o u a l w a y s s a i d you never

were going to say that you thought we'd slept together.'

w a n t e d to go further a w a y than W a t f o r d . '

J a m e s burst out laughing. I burst out laughing. C o n f u s i o n

' Y o u k n o w - she's a p e r s u a s i v e p e r s o n . '

running riot over Liz's features, she also forced out a few

' Y o u ' r e telling me.'

chuckles and b e g a n to bite her nails.

'It w a s a mutual decision,' said Liz. 'A m a r r i a g e of convenience.'

When the laughter died d o w n , I smiled at her a n d s a i d , 'Did you think he w a s going to say that?'

'And you t w o got on O K ? '

She gave me an evil stare by way of an answer.

T h e r e w a s a longlish p a u s e in which we avoided catching

' Y o u didn't get o n , did y o u ? ' said J a m e s .

one another's eye.

' O h , we got on well at first,' I said. 'We were very close,

'Like a house on fire,' I s a i d , in a tone of voice which m a d e

weren't we?'

it s o u n d like a distinctly o d d m e t a p h o r for social h a r m o n y .

I w a s enjoying this. L i z w a s suffering like I'd never seen

A silence descended, with J a m e s eyeing us suspiciously.

her suffer before. F o r the first time since we h a d b e c o m e

'Did s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n ? ' he a s k e d .

friends, I w a s in control.

'Like w h a t ? ' I said.

' J a m e s , ' said L i z , in a suddenly s h a r p tone of voice, 'we

'Between you two.'

have to leave.'

Liz a n d I both looked at our g l a s s e s . 'I'm getting a weird feeling,' J a m e s continued, 'that you t w o . . .'

'Why?' 'Because I can't sit round a table with this creep any longer.'

'What?' Liz's lips were p u r s e d , white with tension. '. . . didn't get on, or something.' I felt myself and Liz both deflate slightly with relief. J a m e s wasn't a b o u t to guess the truth.

230

'Are you being serious?' he said. 'I don't w a n t to c o m e between you and your friends, but if he's going to act like this, I'm just g o i n g to have to tell you the truth a b o u t w h a t happened.'

231

T h e grave look on her face brought J a m e s up short, a n d he began to look worried. 'What did h a p p e n ? ' he said. 'I didn't w an t to have to tell you, because I knew it w o u l d upset you Basically, D a v e a n d I went to India as friends, but f r o m the m o m e n t we landed he didn't s t o p pestering me for sex.'

' Y o u w a n t to k n o w the truth? After you left, we b e c a m e g o o d friends. T h e n we b e c a m e lovers. T h e n we went to India. T h e n we fell out and s e p a r a t e d . It's as simple a s that.' ' F U C K O F F ! W e were never lovers. H e a l w a y s wanted me, J a m e s - from the instant you left the country - but I

' W H A T ? ' I screamed.

never let him get close. H e ' s a disgusting prick, a n d I hate

' H e used the threat of a b a n d o n i n g me as a w a y to try

him.'

and wheedle sexual f a v o u r s out of me. I did my best to

Everyone in the p u b w a s now l o o k i n g at J a m e s , to see

fend him off, but he w a s so persistent that in the end, the

what he w o u l d d o next. Silence hung in the air, time

only thing for me to d o w a s to run a w a y . '

suspended. T h e hush w a s eventually b r o k e n by a w o m a n ' s

J a m e s ' s face went red with rage.

voice from the far end of the b a r , s p e a k i n g with a thick

'For fuck's s a k e , J a m e s . Y o u don't believe that, d o you?'

Irish accent.

H e glared at me.

'Don't you b'lieve her, boy. T h a t girl's got "liar" writt'n

' T h e girl's a pathological liar. Y o u k n o w that a s well as I do.'

all over her nasty little face.' Everyone spun r o u n d to look at the speaker. She g a v e

J a m e s w a s now s q u i r m i n g in his chair with anger a n d confusion.

one n o d , and t o o k a self-conscious sip of her gin and tonic. ' T a k e her at her w o r d , son,' said the b a r m a n . ' Y o u won't

' D a v e , ' he said finally. 'I'm a pacifist, but I'm g o i n g to have to d o this.'

find another one better than that in a hurry.' 'Fuck off!' c a m e a voice from near the fruit machines.

'What?'

'If you can't put m a t e s before birds, you're the s c u m of the

H e s t o o d up and punched me in the face.

earth.'

I w a s thrown off my stool and landed noisily on the

' M a y b e that's why you haven't h a d a s h a g for three

floor. I heard the p u b g o quiet. For a few seconds I lay

years,' c a m e a w o m a n ' s voice from a table near the d o o r .

s p r a w l e d on the beery carpet, t o o shocked to feel any pain. T h e n my cheek started throbbing, I felt a wetness in my m o u t h , and my ear began to ring. I staggered to my feet, clutching the side of my face. T h e w h o l e p u b remained silent. ' Y o u k n o w she's a fucking liar, J a m e s . She a l w a y s has been. A n d she can't even lie very well. T h e w h o l e thing's bullshit.'

' T o o right,' said another w o m a n . ' H e h a d your girlfriend, y o u n g man. I can see it f r o m here.' 'Hit him a g a i n , ' said the b a r m a n . 'You've got my per­ mission.' 'Lay one finger on him, a n d I'll kick y o u r fucking head in,' said the guy at the fruit machine. ' T h e w o m a n ' s a slut!' said a pissed m a n , t h r o w i n g h i s glass on to the floor. 'A faithless whore like the rest of them.'

'Why shouldn't I believe her?' said J a m e s , discreetly m a s s a g i n g one of his knuckles.

232

'Who are y o u calling w h o r e s ? ' c h o r u s e d the two w o m e n by the d o o r .

233

A m i d s t a rising c a c o p h o n y of voices, I felt myself going w e a k at the knees a s the p a i n in my cheek s u r g e d to a new level. I righted my stool a n d s a n k b a c k on to it. J a m e s a n d

Dave the traveller

Liz remained standing, a n d I s a w J a m e s put his a r m a r o u n d her shoulders. Behind him, a large brawl n o w seemed to be in p r o g r e s s . Picking their w a y through the flying fists, they m a d e their w a y to the d o o r .

I h a d two weeks left before university w a s d u e to start a n d decided to try a n d focus my energies on the reading list that I h a d received for my course. I just a b o u t m a n a g e d to get through the list, a n d even m a d e a start on one of the books. A s for a social life, I decided that it w a s time to start again. I w a s a b o u t to begin in a new p l a c e , with a new l o a d of p e o p l e , so it didn't really matter that I'd m a d e enemies of my two closest friends. In fact, it w a s a positive thing. Over the course of my big trip, I h a d m a t u r e d so much that I w a s a l m o s t a new p e r s o n . T h e time h a d c o m e to cut all my old ties a n y w a y , because people f r o m my p a s t w o u l d only have tied me b a c k to my old self. A s a new p e r s o n , the time w a s right to clear the way for new friends. T h a t w a s the whole point of university. I w o u l d be able to begin again as the new me - not as D a v e the m e d i o c r e N o r t h L o n d o n s c h o o l b o y , not as D a v e the sexual failure, but as D a v e the traveller.