Baby Tips for Grandparents

BABY TIPS FOR GRANDPARENTS Copyright © Simon Brett 2006 Illustrations by Alex Hallatt Reprinted 2006 The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound by Tien Wah Press, Malaysia ISBN: 1-84024-490-9 ISBN: 978-1-84024-490-8

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Contents Introduction ................... 4 Rocking the Cradle ........ 5 General Rules ................ 36 Family Occasions.......... 62 Nursery Rhymes .......... 85

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Introduction You may think being a grandparent’s easy, that all you have to do is sit back and enjoy watching the development of another generation. But being a grandparent brings all kinds of new challenges. It puts new stresses on your relationship with your children and it’s also a diplomatic minefield. You’ll find, in your new role, you spend a lot of time biting your tongue to avoid saying the wrong thing. Oh yes, it’s tough. How fortunate then that you have this small book of advice to guide you through the choppy waters ahead.

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Rocking the Cradle

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Before the baby’s born Try not to ask: ‘Should you be doing that in your condition?’

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Before the baby’s born

A grandmother-tobe should try to avoid turning into a primitive Wise Woman, dangling keys or needles over the bump to predict gender.

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Before the baby’s born

When its parents announce the name they have chosen for your grandchild, try not to wince – or, even worse, giggle.

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Before the baby’s born

Don’t suggest lending your books on pregnancy to the mum-to-be. Fashions in such matters have changed, and the gurus whose advice you followed have been long since discredited.

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Before the baby’s born

If you want to retain any friends, try occasionally to talk to them about something other than the impending birth.

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Before the baby’s born

Don’t say to first-time parents-to-be, ‘You’d better make the most of your freedom now. You won’t have any social life once the baby’s arrived.’ It’s true, but there’s no point in depressing them before it happens.

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What not to say as a grandparent Avoid sentences which begin ‘I always gave you…’ and end ‘… and you’ve turned out all right.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

Try to avoid saying, ‘In our day we just got on with it.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

Or, ‘The odd nonorganic vegetable never hurt anyone.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

Or, ‘We didn’t bother with any of that nonsense when you were a baby.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

Never say to a first-time mum-to-be: ‘You won’t have time to be so fussy with the next one.’ While undoubtedly true, it is not what she wants to hear.

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What not to say as a grandparent

When your grandchild misbehaves, do not overreact by announcing, ‘I’m going to change my will.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

It is inadvisable to say to the parents of your grandchildren, ‘You spoil that child.’ But if they say it to you, just smile with infuriating smugness and say, ‘Yes.’

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What not to say as a grandparent

Advice to grandparents contemplating saying how much better children were brought up in their day: Don’t.

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Unavoidable Clichés ‘I’m so much more relaxed with them than I was with my own.’

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Unavoidable Clichés

‘The trouble is, these days children aren’t allowed to have a childhood.’

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Unavoidable Clichés

‘It seems no time at all since their parents were that age.’

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Unavoidable Clichés

‘Ooh, look, the baby’s more interested in the wrapping paper than the present!’

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Unavoidable Clichés

‘Well, you’re eating for two.’

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Unavoidable Clichés

‘The good thing is you can give them back at the end of the day.’

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General Rules

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Top Tips Never pretend you’re too young to be a grandparent. The contradictory evidence is there in the cot.

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Top Tips

Always deny that there is any rivalry between you and the other set of grandparents. Though, of course, there is.

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Top Tips

Do not get down on the floor to play with your grandchild unless you are confident you will be able to get up again without assistance.

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Top Tips

Even though you’ve failed with two generations, don’t try to realise your dreams through a third.

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Top Tips

You will meet a lot of pathetic souls labouring under the delusion that their grandchildren are more beautiful and intelligent than yours. Ignore them – obviously they are wrong.

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When your grandchildren come to stay When its parents leave your grandchild at your house, there are bound to be tears. But you just have to pull yourself together.

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When your grandchildren come to stay

Grandchildren will never remember where to put their toys away but they’ll always remember where you keep the crisps and biscuits.

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When your grandchildren come to stay

If your grandchild can crawl, remember to move breakable items out of its reach (and don’t forget that a baby’s reach can defy the laws of physics).

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When your grandchildren come to stay

Having watched you putting DVDs in the machine’s tray your grandchildren will be anxious to follow your example. Do not leave any round flat objects lying about – e.g. shortbread circles, Wagon Wheels, mini pizzas...

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When your grandchildren come to stay

Early nights are very important when your grandchild comes to stay. In order to survive, you should probably be in bed by about eight.

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When your grandchildren come to stay

There is an unalterable law with babies. However fast asleep they may have been when they were left in their grandparents’ care, within five minutes of their parents’ departure they will be screaming.

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When your grandchildren come to stay

If your grandchildren come to stay with you during Potty Training, make sure you know the expressions which mean they want to go. This will save on your carpet-cleaning bill.

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When your grandchildren come to stay

Though obviously you want all your friends and neighbours to see your grandchild, remember it is not a performing animal and may not do all its tricks to order.

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Some Disappointing Facts Not every grandchild who does awfully good fingerpainting will turn out to be the next Michelangelo.

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Some Disappointing Facts

Nor does every baby who looks quite cute go on to become a supermodel.

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Some Disappointing Facts

Nor does every infant who is very good as an ox or ass in the school nativity play go on to become a Hollywood star.

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Some Disappointing Facts

Remarkable though it may seem, the progress of your grandchild’s Potty Training is not a topic of universal interest.

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Family Occasions

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Picture Perfect Every now and then allow your grandchild to do something without taking a photograph of it.

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Picture Perfect

Carry photographs to show at all times. People who claim not to be as interested in your grandchildren as you are must be joking.

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Picture Perfect

You can spend a very long time with your camera poised, waiting for a smile. And when you finally do press the shutter, you almost always miss it.

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Picture Perfect

The invention of digital cameras means you don’t have to get whole reels developed before you realise that your grandchild isn’t smiling in any of the photos.

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Picture Perfect

Babies don’t understand the concept of pointing. If you want them to look in a certain direction, make a noise.

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Picture Perfect

Don’t embarrass your grandchildren by knitting for them. Unsuitable garments may not last, but photographs do.

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Picture Perfect

It is the obligation of every grandparent with a mobile phone to have a picture of a grandchild as wallpaper. This will mean that you coo every time you put your phone on.

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Presents If you do give a grandchild money, do not expect to get away with giving less the next time. They all have little calculators in their brains.

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Presents

Be very careful when buying clothes for your grandchild’s dolls. Giving the wrong garment can destroy your street cred forever.

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Presents

Don’t give your grandchild a present every time you see it. Every now and then play hard to get.

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Presents

It is astonishing the young age at which grandchildren will appreciate a gift of money.

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Presents

If you give your grandchild a present and get no thanks, avoid the instinct to ask, ‘What do you say?’ The child is quite likely to reply, ‘Can I have another one?’

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Presents

From a child’s point of view the word ‘educational’ on a toy is the kiss of death.

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Presents

Many parents disapprove of their children being given toy guns. No children do.

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Presents

Giving your grandchildren presents that make irritating noises is not fair on their parents… but it is quite fun.

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Presents

Don’t worry if your grandchild ignores your present and plays with the one given by the other set of grandparents: it plays with yours when they visit.

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Nursery Rhymes

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Nursery Rhymes

You probably grew up with nursery rhymes, but today’s children are not so likely to hear them. It is therefore important that you keep the tradition alive. Some of the old rhymes, though, may need a little updating, as in these examples...

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Nursery Rhymes

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean; And so he put her on a diet – Obesity’s obscene.

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Nursery Rhymes

Ding, dong, bell, Pussy’s in the well. Who put her in? One of those nasty children who you must never play with.

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Nursery Rhymes

Old King Cole Was a merry old soul, And a merry old soul was he, He called for his pipe, To the pub took a stroll, But he couldn’t smoke in the Fiddlers Three.

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Nursery Rhymes

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And sued Jill for negligence after.

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Nursery Rhymes

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells, and cockle shells, And lots of other stuff recommended in a television gardening show.

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And a final thought… Never say ‘I’m not just a cheap babysitting service.’ The fact is, you are.

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Whether you are a new mum or the seasoned father of a lively horde, make these little books the latest additions to your household.

www.summersdale.com

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