Chaos

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Chaos: Prequel to Leader of the Pack Copyright © 2005 Carys Weldon ISBN: 1-55410-250-2 Cover art and design by Sara Creasy All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher. Published by eXtasy Books, a division of Zumaya Publications, 2005 Look for us online at: www.zumayapublications.com www.Extasybooks.com

Dedication: For all those who live for the minute, who think they’ll die young, who desperately want to make a connection before they go, who love with all they’ve got, and last, but not least, for those who can’t say the words, but make love like there’s no tomorrow. A special note of appreciation to everyone who made this book possible: My editor Hydy, Stefani Kelsey, and Tina Haveman.

Introduction By Chaos I believe sanity is a matter of perspective, but really…if you’d just see things my way, we’d be fine. I really do think I’ve got it all figured out. But…yeah, if you want to know the truth, I hear voices in my head. That doesn’t prove jack. Who’s to say I’m crazy? Okay, maybe I am. Crazy for power. Crazy for tail. I can’t get enough of either, but I’m hot-blooded, and making no excuses for it. I’m a player. I’ve got an image to keep up. It’s all a game, though. My move. Your move. Higher stakes. Bigger challenges. But now I’m alpha at Pack City, and I’m looking around. What else is there to live for? You know what I’m really about? Adrenalin rushes, living on the edge, kicking ass, finding the apex of all there is. But I’m already over the top. So…don’t give me any of your pretty speeches. Life is too short for that. And don’t expect me to lie down and roll over, either. I’m nobody’s bitch. I’ve got a temper, and the claws, teeth and rocks to back it up.

You probably heard…I’ve got bitches lining up for miles. They don’t care if I’m a mess or if I’ve got it all together. They just wanna run with the big dog. Did you hear me? They don’t care. I know what road I’m on. One way lonely street. I just need somebody to help me lick my wounds when the day is done, and help me make it through the night. Is that too much to ask?

Chaos (As Told By Tee)

Carys Weldon

Chapter One

T

he glare of gleaming glass empties blinded me the minute I opened my eyes, and I knew I’d done it again. Gone home with some guy I met at a bar. I had no idea where I was. Squeezing my lids shut—because my eyes hurt like hell, even in the dim lighting of the apartment I was in—I had to ask myself, how many more times you gonna do this before some joker kills you, Tee? Call me self-destructive. Call me stupid. It’s not like I haven’t called myself those names a hundred times over. I sniffed. My nose was stuffed up. Shit. Couldn’t even get a smell on who I was with. Some fucking garou bitch I was. I knew I needed to draw my wits about me, and get the hell out, quick, but my brain wasn’t working like it should. I couldn’t think. At least, not beyond the idea that I better be careful. And that’s just instinct. Whoever I’d gone home with was asleep— and if he was garou, he might come up fighting. I took a minute to breathe. Odds were the guy was a werewolf. And probably edgy. I definitely went for 1

Chaos men with attitude. So, that left me thinking...shit. Without moving anything but my eyes, I spied sideways at my latest bed partner, I wondered, if I racked my brain, would I be able to remember his name? Real slowly, propping myself up on one elbow, I looked him over. Well, what I could see of him. Damn hot. That’s the first thing I thought. Rippled muscle back, tight ass. Yeah, he was out of the covers, belly down, passed out, his face away from me—of course. Thank Gaia. I didn’t really wanna face him until I figured out who the hell he was. Even from that side he looked familiar, though. I grinned to myself. Probably watched his ass for hours before I decided to hook up. I tend to do that. You know, meditate real hard on whether I want to live dangerously again or not. I could tell by the scars that he was garou, even though he was in full human form. My kind of man, I sighed. And sniffed again. Damn. I needed to move, get up, get my sinuses draining. My whole head felt stuffed. My fingers itched to trace his battle wounds. He had a few fresh marks that intrigued me. My head was thumping, and I couldn’t remember anything from the night before. So, I had to wonder, what-up? Did he do something to impress me? Tipping my head, I noted…he really was something to look at, and I was only looking at his backside. Must’ve been damn cute up front. Wiry-ass 2

Carys Weldon sumbitch. All muscle, leashed power, even when he’s sleeping. You know that’s a turn-on. Nothing loose. Well, maybe—but he was probably laying on that. That had me curious. Who the hell had I hooked up with? I may be pretty self-destructive, but that don’t mean I got bad taste. If I’m gonna die bad, I’m gonna die with a smile on my face, ya know? Sniffing, I untangled myself from the sheets, crawled carefully from the pallet styled sleeping arrangement and looked around. In an instant, my sinuses began to clear. The smell of stale booze and sex hung in the air. I rubbed my eyes, tried for a clearer view of things.. Man, my head was hazy. I don’t usually get hangovers. Strong constitution, you could say. So, this was really bugging me. Most of the windows in the warehouse studio apartment were blacked out (thank Gaia)—at least on the side by the bed. I could see light coming in at the far end, though. Craning my neck to peer down there, I sensed a little movement, life, people sleeping. That had me moving a little quicker. I mean, I was standing there stark naked. Where the hell were my clothes? Geez. I couldn’t see them anywhere. Couldn’t remember shit, either. I had to feel up my nose, see if maybe I’d tried some blow or something. Not usually into that sort of thing. Like to keep my wits, if ya know what I mean. But every now and then, I get talked into stupid shit. I call them suicide days. I’d been having a lot more of them lately. So, who knows what I’d done in the name of love and the pursuit of happiness? 3

Chaos You know…a guy too cute, with too smooth a line, seems like the thing to do, promises to take good care of me. I’m done with that, though. I’m going for one last, true love—or freaking killing myself. I made my mind up on that while I padded around, barefoot, looking for the bathroom. And some damn aspirin. The whole place was open. A Grand Canyon apartment or something. Big square pillars, widely spaced, supported the open beamed ceiling. I’m not kidding. It was the size of all outdoors, and a freaking shoelace factory to boot. Gaia-damn. A girl could get lost in there. Fucking Montana, with skylights and everything. It was kind of cool, though. Stark. Lots of running room. Nothing really to see. Certainly nothing personal to speak of. A lot of high end stereo equipment and trendy furniture. Not a lot of breakables, that was for damn sure. I glanced toward the bed. Obvious from the look of the crib, I’d gone home with a player. That had me looking around a lot squintier. Ya know? Was I in a drug den? Or an arms magazine? What was this guy’s deal? I was almost afraid to touch anything until I found out. Sure enough, venturing a little farther down the wide expanse of flooring, I spotted some homey’s on the far end, passed out. His own troop of groupies. Shit. I backed up, looked for my damned clothes a little harder. When they weren’t readily evident, I settled for playa’s jersey. Yeah, I sniffed it. Smelled like him. Nice and spicy. Sex appeal in an underlying scent that made me swoon. 4

Carys Weldon In fact, my eyes rolled up into my head with the ‘oh my Gaia’ scent. No wonder I’d gone home with him. Tip-toeing toward the bed, I lifted my nose to the air, did a few quick inhales. Oh, hell yeah. Freaking wolfy pheromones. Damn chick magnet shit. You can’t buy it. You can’t bottle it. I should’ve freaking turned tail and ran the minute I got wind of it. There is no way in hell a guy with a scent like that is gonna be anything but a playa. Too many ladies falling at his feet. That thought made me disgusted with myself. Just line up like all the other cheap bitches, Tee. Yeah, I talk to myself all the time. Pretty much hate it, too. But whatcha gonna do? Nobody else is being honest with me. So, I finally found a bathroom. Wouldn’t you know it? Right close to the bed. Sliding mirrored door. First thing I did was rummage for some aspirin. Yeah, I don’t care that it was his personal space; my head was banging. Found some. Took eight. Scooped water in my hand until I got them down. Then, I washed up quickly, and quietly, ran a finger over my teeth and mumbled, “Damn girl, you got some dog breath.” That gave me the impetus to fish through the playa’s bathroom cabinet some more, to find some toothpaste and do it right. At least he had some. I’d been to guy’s apartments where there was no toothpaste to be had. Ick. Those were guaranteed ‘no repeats’. Usually, I have some in my purse, but if I couldn’t find my clothes straight up, I figured that the search for my purse would take even longer. I usually 5

Chaos stashed that under something—so homey types didn’t have fun with it, go through my stuff. Not that I carried much when I went out on the town. But, you know. Gotta have some deodorant, perfume, some make-up. Basics. So, I’m not entirely stupid. I always carry, and use, spermicide, contraceptives. Freaking not taking a chance on that. Even though, I pretty much know my own cycle. Too many accidents happen, ya know? A girl’s gotta protect herself. I know where the choice is, and since I choose not to abstain, I choose to be responsible up front…so I don’t have to be responsible later. Or worse, go for an abortion. I had a friend once…ah, never mind that. Suffice it to say, the abortion never got behind her. And I like kids, I guess, so don’t get me wrong on that. I’m just not ready to have some of my own. I can’t hardly take care of myself. That’s why I want, so desperately, to find a guy worth having. One that’s man enough to look out for me, keep me safe at night. Is that too much to ask? One that isn’t some kind of loser. Rinsing, spitting, I looked in the mirror. Tired eyes stared back. That ain’t gonna happen in your lifetime, Tee. Give up on the big dream. There ain’t a man or wolf alive that can keep you safe from yourself. I didn’t want to look any more. I closed the lid on the toilet and sat down, put my head in my hands, and tried not to cry. That self-honesty rips me up. I rocked a little, the cold tiles making my toes curl. It wasn’t a girly bathroom, by any means. Black 6

Carys Weldon and white. No rugs. No frills. No pretties. No potpourri or air freshener. So, I’m crying on the stool, quietly, trying to get my shit together for the day, and guess what? Mr. Holy Shit walks in on me. Correction, sneaks the hell up on me. I didn’t hear squat, and I’ve got the ears of a freaking big ass mother fucking werewolf bitch. Best damn ears in the whole Gaia-damned pack. How the hell he did that, I have no freaking idea. All I know is…the door popped open before I had any warning, and it surprised me so bad, I looked up fast, like I’d been caught at something. And I had, ya know. Tee never lets ‘em see her cry. Yeah. Proverbial tough bitch. Only, I didn’t look so tough then. I know that. Worse than being caught, though, was realizing who the fuck I’d slept with. Son-of-a-bitching Chaos..

7

Chaos

Chapter Two

C

haos is the meanest motherfucking garou on the planet. Least, as far as I know. His reputation reaches beyond…well, beyond any place I’ve ever gone. And places I never wanna go. But he’s the rising star of Pack City. Just made alpha. That was a bloody bath. Makes me shiver to think about it, and I’m not squeamish. Let’s just say, the guy has no mercy. When he hunts something down, there ain’t nobody anywhere that’s left unshaken because he’s one of those guys with a true bloodlust. He’d slaughter a room full of innocents if one misspoke or looked him in the eye. So, yeah, I was thinking holy shit, I’m fucked. Because I was looking him straight in the eye, panicking, and I knew he could smell that. I should’ve had the sense to avert my gaze, to look subservient, but I couldn’t. He had me in his sights. I couldn’t have looked away from his big browns to save my life. You gotta understand—he mesmerized me. He’s focused, intent, and he’s got eyes that stare down into your soul. And if that ain’t freaking 8

Carys Weldon enough, he’s a fucking mind-talking bastard. He reads your thoughts. He can head you off before you knew you were running away from him. So, yeah, you could say that I was not happy to find I’d done the ultimate stupid—slept with a guy who could kill me without a freaking second thought. Bad son-of-a-bitching temper. I was scared. Sitting on the stupid toilet, tears on my cheeks, caught with eyeballs full of ‘em, in fact, and there he goes and walks in on me…catches me in his shirt, barefoot, no place to run—feeling sorry for myself. And he’s blocking the freaking door like a Mack truck in a tight alley. A mouse couldn’t have slipped past him. And I’m a whole lot bigger than a mouse. Damn moose. Five foot eight on my short days. When I’m not crinos. Pretty big boned. Flat freaking chested. Gaia doesn’t love us all, apparently. All I wanted was two minutes of peace. Swallowing, apparently, was for the angels of the world, and I was anything but that. My throat locked up. It was easy to see that Chaos could read my mind. I used to play at that. But I hated being seen through, so I worked harder at putting up the blocks. He’d just caught me unawares. I tried to focus. I forced a mind wall. That made him smile. Holy shit, he was fucking gorgeous. It wasn’t just his scent that made women freak. It was everything about him. Too beautiful to be so ruthless. Too handsome to be so ugly. Just kind’ve makes you 9

Chaos forget your brain, he’s so Gaia-damned sexy. Tanned, towering, six-and-a-half-feet of sheer muscle—with thick, brown hair…everywhere. I didn’t realize I was trembling. Not until he stepped in, and clicked the door shut behind him, saying, “I thought you’d run off.” He smiled—with lots of teeth—when he said, “Thought I’d have to hunt you down.” Okay, that made me swallow, hard. Eeking, “I couldn’t find my clothes,” I made him chuckle. “No shit.” He moved to the sink, opened the cabinet, and—first thing—pulled out his toothbrush. You know I liked that. I had plenty of time to look at his body from this new angle. Light filtered in from a high, frosted glass (or was that calcium crusted?) window. Chaos had pretty much anything a woman would want. Tight abs. Firm chest. An ‘oh my Gaia’ manhood. It was erect. I guessed he probably had to go to the bathroom. He glanced over at me, in the middle of mid-brush, and said, “Nah.” I swiped the tears from my cheeks, tried to get a grip—a little embarrassed. Thought I’d serve him up right for sneaking into my head. I concentrated real hard with I think you’re chicken shit to read my mind without my permission. Son-of-a-bitch just laughed, rinsed his brush and mouth, wiped his face on a towel, then turned to me and asked, “Is that right?” 10

Carys Weldon Okay. I knew I’d bitten off more than I could chew. All I really wanted was to get the hell out of there. I glanced past him, toward the door. He said, “Go ahead. Make a run for it. I like a good chase.” He seemed pretty happy about the whole thing. I blew a little air out my nose, ran a hand through my short-cropped, bleached white hair. I knew it made my black eyes (and long black lashes) stand out—too punk. Too haunting with my pale skin— when I was tired. Chaos told me later that he thought I looked pretty cool and nonchalant. But, truth was, I was beyond that. Just trying to think, barely passing the migraine action, ya know? Running was out of the question. He was a freaking garou. Thrill of the hunt. Delight of the nab and grab. Joy of the slap down. Oh hell no. I was not gonna be able to run. At least, not for long. So, yeah, I considered it. But his smirking sideways grin—too frigging damned cute and assured—had me lifting my chin and saying, “Ya know what? I’d rather die fighting.” Chaos laughed again. “Feisty bitch, aren’t you?” Fucking scared to death, was more like it. But I was counting breaths, thinking…I’d finally done it. Gone home with the guy that would be the death of me. Chaos wasn’t big—as garou go. But his intensity just fills the room around him. You know he’s thinking of pouncing, that he’s capable of killing. That he could eat you alive, given half the chance. I closed my eyes, blocking out that stare that 11

Chaos looked right through my defenses. I whispered, “I made a mistake last night. Just let me leave.” My mind squeaked, please just let me leave. Silence spread between us, thick as a log, heavier than a concrete slab. When he finally said, “I don’t want you to leave,” I felt my chest squeeze. Still, I refused to open my eyes. I prayed silently, “Gaia help me.” I was afraid to think beyond that. I didn’t want him to read anything in my brain. (Anything that might set off his temper, right?) It surprised me when he said, “You’re fucking cute. Ya know that?” Me? Cute? I mean, sure. I had a few things going for me. But generally I didn’t think of myself like that. I thought of myself as, well, a dysfunctional mess. A girl who did her best and always fell a little short of whatever it was she was aiming for. Though, I hadn’t really aimed for anything specific, if that makes sense. You could say that Chaos helped me focus all that energy, and pent up frustration that I had. Everything I’d been aiming at myself. But first, before he could do that, he had to get through to me, pick up my pieces. I straightened my shoulders, flattened my feet on the tiles and told him flatly, “You already had me. No flattery required, thanks.” Truth be told, I felt captive there on that damned toilet seat. Thank Gaia the lid was shut. I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d caught me peeing. I’d have probably just kept on peeing. We both grinned over that thought. 12

Carys Weldon He reached out, holding a hand in the air as an invitation for me to take it, to stand up. I hesitated on that, eyed it pretty hard, and his face, too. His chin lifted a little, in a jerk, like, go ahead, take it. I didn’t want to look him in the eye. I knew he had a hypnotic effect on people. But I also knew that it wasn’t smart to refuse a guy like that. Especially in close quarters with nowhere to run. So, tentatively, I reached out, too, and took his hand, and let him pull me to my feet. Chaos tugged, inviting me closer in a silent, almost imperceptible gesture. He wanted me to want to come to him. I could feel that. Now, that confused me. I mean, I knew that a million chicks were all over him, digging everything about him, liking the danger, taking advantage of all that he is, the power he exemplifies. So, why me? The one girl who’d finally figured out that wanting something more was just plain…moronic. I closed my eyes, thinking Oh, hell yeah, yesterday was damn sure a suicide day…you stupid bitch. He yanked me into his arms then. Steel bands wrapped around me. His hard body stole my breath. I blinked into his adam’s apple, my hands somehow caught between us. In fact, I don’t even remember him letting go of my hand. That’s how fast he moves. “Tee.” He wanted me to look at him. Hold up right here for a minute. I have to say—it was a good sign that he’d at least learned my name. Closing my eyes, I took the lazy way out. No verbal answer. Just thought, if you can read my 13

Chaos thoughts, then freaking kill me and get it over with. Chaos surprised me, then. A gentle hand tipped my chin up, held me there while he looked at my face. And I heard his thoughts. I like your freckles. That made my eyes pop open. He was flirting with me? Half smirking, he leaned down and kissed me. So, okay. Holy shit. This freaking monster kissed me sweet. You know, gentle pressure, tender touching of lips, something so…so light that I wanted to cry. I couldn’t remember the last time a guy had kissed me like that. Or when I had trembled in a man’s arms, so hard, that I was a half inch from tears and being a baby in a basket case. This feeling of fragility scared me more than anything. Yep. I had finally found a man who felt like a man around me, made me feel like a woman. Not just a psycho bitch, ya know? I lashed out. He was too close to touching the real me. You understand. Don’t you?

14

Carys Weldon

Chapter Three

O

ut of the blue, I freaking went ape-shit.. Kicking, pummeling him, yelling obscenities. Backed him right into the wall by flipping crinos on him. You know, damn fucking big werewolf in a rage. You could say, yeah, she was on her second suicide day in a row. Because he sure as hell didn’t take that bullshit for long. Maybe it was the clawing down his chest that really pissed him off. Damn if I don’t have a little cat in me. I should have had the sense to back off when I heard his bones popping and his ligaments stretching. (I never notice my own any more.) Maybe I didn’t have any sense left. Or maybe I just didn’t care. I mean, I’d always figured I’d die young. That’s why I tended to live for the moment. Enjoy the day. This was not a fun moment. I think, when I look back at that, I wanted him to kill me. To me, that would have been better than letting him inside. I wonder what the guys outside thought. It had to sound like a full-blown dog fight. We were both growling. I was pawing and clawing, and he was 15

Chaos keeping me just out of reach, not letting me go— which just pissed me off more. I wanted to end it all, one way or the other. Got one good swipe in. Actually drew blood. Next thing I knew, I hit the floor in one big woosh and he was on top of me, had me pinned to the cold tile with his nose—son-of-a-bitching long wolf-ass nose—a breath from mine. His eyes were peering down into me, and flashing with gold flecks. We were both breathing heavy. But I couldn’t move for shit. That’s the only reason I stopped fighting. Now, Chaos is not known for his control. So, the fact that he didn’t rip me to shreds is a credit to him. Not that I’d ever really heard that he was like that to women. Just…he was out of control on a lot of fronts. I had a right to be scared. But, like I said, I was working on a suicide day. Taunting him with a thought, Go ahead, Mr. Big Ass. Maybe that checked him. I dunno. He sniffed me, though. And that was worse than anything else he could’ve done. That breath away from touching me, he took his time inhaling, running his nose over my temple, and ear, and just below that, before looking me in the eye again. He could’ve raped me easily there. I felt him throbbing against my thigh. Definite hot blood flow goes on in crinos. I even thought Rape me, you sorry son-of-a-bitch. It’s not like I care any more. He climbed off of me, then, and pulled me to my feet. I couldn’t help but think I knew you’d disappoint me. 16

Carys Weldon Yeah, you got that right. There was a part of me that wanted to be raped. That wanted to be killed fast. Put this dying dog down. Does that sound harsh? That was how I felt. I just hated myself. I was too lonely to care any more. Too self-destructive to have any self-respect. Minutes passed while we looked each other in the eye. In crinos, I don’t give a shit about anything. What I can’t handle, I figure…what the hell? Maybe it’ll be the answer to all my prayers. The blood I’d drawn—across his collarbone—gave off a warm, salty odor. Made my nose wrinkle. Yeah, a part of me wanted to lap it. Talk about your twisted tension, and skewed thoughts. So maybe I was a little distracted by that. But the next thing you know, Chaos pushed me up against the wall, pressing his chest into mine. Through gritted teeth, he what? Promised? “Never let it be said that I disappointed you.” He felt me up, coarsely, but not painfully. I had my hands on his shoulders, trying to push him away. (Maybe not pushing that hard.) He had a firm toehold on the tiles, though, and the pressure of his chest against mine was firm, unrelenting. There was no mistaking the pawing of his crinos digits, though. Over the smooth-haired front of my thigh, his fingers slid into the slick wetness between my legs. He had me turned on. Freaking shaking like a leaf, but his pheromones were pumping sweat that I wanted to lick. To get a grip on my own emotions, I had to close my eyes, concentrate. I didn’t want to give him the 17

Chaos satisfaction of taking me roughly, in crinos. Call me crazy since I know I started it. Call me obtuse. It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, isn’t it? I had a choice. Swoon at the feel of his hand between my legs—which was really out of my control at that point, or concentrate on morphing back to human. Okay. So my humor kicked in and I thought, ever so briefly, of shifting to lupus. He growled at that thought, or maybe at the feel of me below. Who knows? I didn’t know my own mind then. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna be getting into his head. Hate to disappoint you. Right beneath his hands, and chest, (and with a little inner smile,) I shrunk to human form. I could have slipped out from under him, but there was no place to go, really. So, a second later, I found my nose to his big, hairy chest, inhaling all he was. And yes, I licked. Couldn’t resist. He pressed his forehead to the wall above my head, lips down, like he was holding his control by a tenuous thread. Exasperated, he said, “You’re starting to frustrate me.” His hand had slipped from between my legs and had purchase on my hip, possessively wide spread. I must not have been thinking straight, (okay, I already determined that, right?) because I whispered, “So kill me.” That wasn’t exactly smart. Don’t try that at home, kids. A crinos werewolf is not something to toy with. 18

Carys Weldon They work on barely leashed fury. A razor-sharp claw tickled from my crotch, up the center of my body to my navel—too light to draw blood. He whispered, “Don’t tempt me.” I could tell that I had him an inch away from fulfilling all my dreams of death. Funny how coming to it changes your perception. I mean, all my life I’d been praying for quick relief, a way out. And there, in that bathroom, I suddenly felt alive. It may have been the tingling that spiraled through my body from close contact with the one being that held the power of Gaia over me. I gave in to fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it then, and realized that I had handed my world over to Chaos. I whispered, “I thought you liked to be tempted.” Tipping my head back, I looked up at him. In crinos, he was fierce looking, beyond manly. Feral. Absolutely, fucking sexy. I felt like a little girl looking up at the most divine creature on the planet. Numb below the knees, I waited for his answer, and felt like I could slip to the floor any minute…if he let go of me. His fingers were now spread across my abdomen, slipping to my hip again. Sensuously slow. He admitted, “I like you,” and he kissed me. Okay. He possessed me. When his lips came down on mine, it took all of two seconds for him to pry my lips apart and get his tongue inside my mouth. I don’t know when the hell he shifted. I was lost in his kisses. But minutes later, we were both human again, and I was clinging to him, my arms around his shoulders. It was very sexy to be up against the wall like that, wearing his shirt, having his hands all over 19

Chaos me. Because, let me tell you, they were roving, squeezing, checking me out completely. How on earth did I keep my cool? Not shift, too? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because Chaos makes me weak in the knees, makes me feel like he’s in total control. And…crazy as it seems…for the first time in my life…I liked being ‘taken.’ Giving in to being a woman, instead of fronting the ‘tough bitch’ all the time. That was a new one for me. I just…let him do his thing. Let him make me feel good. I don’t know when, exactly, Chaos lifted me above him. That’s how strong he is. I remember the kisses going on forever, but at one point, looking down at his face, my fingers on each side of his jaw, thinking let me just get lost with you, just for a little bit. He fucked me then. And I felt like we understood each other. I felt like he was getting lost in me, too. We just needed release, ya know?

20

Carys Weldon

Chapter Four

W

hen I say that Chaos fucked me, I don’t want it to sound like he was rough or out of control. I did feel like he owned me at that moment. Not that a girl wants to be ‘owned’ per se. But I needed to feel like things were out of my hands, like someone was just…taking me where I needed to go. And he did that. He was a man making me feel like a woman, if that makes sense. I mean, I’ve had sex more times than I can count, but never had I felt so feminine. I remember the minute he entered me. He had lifted me, like I said, and somehow he turned around, with his back to the wall, and let me down slowly, oh so slowly, until I rested just above his tool. He pried his mouth from mine and told me, “I’d like to get lost in you, too. Just for a bit.” His gaze was so intense, I remember thinking that I couldn’t refuse him. I leaned forward, kissed him again, and thought please. Yes, it was a please. Please because it seemed so sweet when he said that. Please because, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him, 21

Chaos to complete the act. And please because getting lost seemed like the only way to go. I didn’t think about it until later, that he was asking me for permission there. Chaos had respect for me, and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why. Maybe his mama just taught him right. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s the whole ‘respect a bitch’ thing. Whatever, there was a wonder of sweetness that I felt right then. Maybe my heart was melting for him. I dunno. Slow and easy, I felt myself ride down onto him, felt him groan into my mouth at the warm, all encompassing feel of my muscles surrounding his. It felt good, and right…and a little desperate all of a sudden. Within seconds, I had my back in the corner behind the door, and he was humping up into me, fast and furious, tongue doing the lambada with mine. So, that didn’t take long. But he didn’t dump me fast, like I thought he would. You know, after he got off. No. He surprised me. With the last pump, he held me tight, let me squeeze him back until I came. I don’t know when our tongues had come undone, or the kisses stopped. I just remember his nose buried against my neck, and mine against his—holding on. Feeling complete. Gaia knows how long we stood like that. And that’s a testament to the man’s hard body…not just because he had me impaled on his shaft, but because his arms were rock-straps that didn’t tremble at the weight of me. And, like I said, I was no real lightweight. 22

Carys Weldon He surprised me by whispering, “You okay?” Maybe because I was trembling? I chuckled, licked my lips, felt a little embarrassed. In his ear, I whispered, “That’s a matter of opinion. What do you think?” Chaos helped me to my feet. It was a slow-sliding experiment in how sensitized every inch of your body can be. The hair on his legs prickled against my legs— that seemed to be wrapped around him still. He kissed me sweet one more time, then said, “I think…I don’t want to let you go.” And he didn’t. His fingers skimmed my waist and crept behind me to clutch at my ass. Pulling me against him, again, he kissed me one more time, hard, for good measure. I was swooning. Who would have thought Mr. Holy Shit, who could take anything he wanted, had this savoir-faire behind the scenes? No wonder the ladies lined up. I mean, he comes across a little rough, with his homey goons and all that. I never could have guessed— Chaos had a tender side. He jerked a little, probably at reading my thoughts, and his voice sounded gruff when he suggested, “Want to take a shower?” He turned his back on me, practically dropped me cold, and had the water on in no time flat. He stepped in before I could answer, even. I was too busy watching his backside, thinking please don’t turn your back on me. Not after that. He peeked out from behind the shower curtain, “You coming?” 23

Chaos Peeling his jersey over my head, I flicked it to the floor. He watched my quick strip, and his eyes darkened in appreciation, I think, as his gaze fell to my breasts. Perky puny things, if you ask me. Large areolas, thick nipples. I cupped them with both hands, feeling distinctly flustered all of a sudden. I mean, I didn’t think they were worth looking at. I probably blushed with my discomfit. I joked, “Already did that, thanks.” “Get your ass in here,” he grinned at me. He was too cute. Too bossy. I stepped in. He hogged the water while I watched. He did it with a smirk, too, knowing what I was thinking. Water hog. It cascaded over his face, which he’d turned up toward the ceiling, smug little smirk on lips. He grabbed me without warning, dragged me under it, up against his body. I couldn’t see for it hitting me in the eyelids. I couldn’t breathe for it trying to go down my throat. So, I sputtered more than anything, and tried to fight it. But next thing you know, he had his lips on mine, blocking out the spray. Oh, it splattered all around us, skittering over our shoulders, and down between us. He had me breathless. And that’s when he told me, “You’ll find I hog a lot of things.” He reached down between my legs again, putting a finger to my clit, and warned me, “Like this.” His other hand grabbed my boob, and he squeezed, adding, “And this.” Then his lips took mine again in a hard kiss, “And this.” But more important, I heard, in my head, his voice 24

Carys Weldon clear as a bell. I could kill for this. His finger slipped inside of me. Okay. So…yeah. There was a thrill and threat of danger there. And a whole lot of confusion going on in my head. Not only was I dealing with my own thoughts—and trying not to think—but he was in there, too. It scared me. I’m sure he could see it in my eyes, but he wouldn’t let me pull away. And I’m sure I trembled, inside and out. I needed, more than anything, to turn my back on him. To walk away. To get the hell out of there. But I couldn’t. He was everything I’d ever wanted, and everything I totally feared. He read my mind again, and shook his head, “Don’t be afraid, Tee.” That damn smile emerged again, and he said, “I’ll let you in on a secret…” he winked, “my bark is worse than my bite.” But I knew different. He had canines the size of elephant tusks. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I told him, “Well…my bite is worse than my bark, and I don’t usually give a growl first.” Tee. My name. Nickname for Teeth. Did I mention that? I had some eyeteeth worth bragging about on my own. More important, when I was in a mood, I was a flashing fast mongrel mouth. Probably added to my bitchy façade. I knew what I was all about. Lashing out before somebody hurt me. “So I heard.” Deftly, he removed his finger from my body, then soaped down, left me to watch. Then 25

Chaos he stepped out before I could clean up my own act, gave me some time alone in the shower. I needed it. I stayed in there until the water ran cold. I thought he would be long gone by then. Thought I’d heard the door open, felt a rush of cool air. Fumbling blindly for a towel on the rack, I wondered if he’d disappeared altogether, got on with his day. Guys are like that. A ton of them leave you to find your own way out. That’s fine with me, too. But no. He was still there. Watched me fumble for the towel, didn’t help squat. Watched me dry off behind the semi-translucent curtain. I do that in the tub so as not to drip on the floor—remember, he didn’t have any rugs. I didn’t want to slip and kill myself. That’s no way to die. I guess the thing that surprised me most was the fact that I never pegged Chaos for patience. But there he was, arms folded, leaning, still naked, still a little moist with water droplets amongst the hairs of his manly body. Waiting. Watching me. Freezing, with a hand on the half pulled shower curtain, and the other hand holding the towel to my front, I squeaked. “I thought you were gone.” Lazy smile. Appreciation in his eyes. Cool. Those were the things I noticed. He didn’t appear to be going anywhere fast. He asked, “Did I say I was going out?” “No, but—” I let go of the shower curtain, putting both hands to my towel. He needed bigger ones, (towels, everything else he had was big enough, thank you very much,) I was sure of that. I almost dropped the darn thing while trying to wrap it 26

Carys Weldon around me without giving him another show. I know, foolish, since he’d already seen pretty much everything I had. He seemed amused by my sudden discomfort. I noticed the door was cracked. Probably to let out the steam. Rubbing his jaw, he said, “I can’t figure out why you’re so tense. I mean, I’ve been doing my best to help you relax.” That made me blink, and back up a bit. Was he being funny? Yeah. That smirk was on his lips. “Maybe,” I climbed out as modestly as possible, resecured the towel by tucking it in by my breast, “Just maybe, you make me uptight.” “Hm.” He thought on that while I tried to pat myself down discreetly without dislodging my protective covering. Water dribbled down the sides of my face, rolled over my neck and sluiced inward, pooling in the crevice, small as it was, between my breasts. I patted it more than once there. Actually, I clutched the towel to me. It was my only defense from his wolfish gaze. I was totally self-conscious. I had nothing to put on, no way out. And there he was ‘hming.’ “What’s that supposed to mean?” I had to ask. He shrugged. “Looks like I need a little more practice.” “At what?” Picture me doing a sudden deer-in-theheadlights imitation. Chaos smiled at me again, one of those cat’s got his eye on the mouse smiles. Totally ridiculous for a dog like him and a bitch like me. 27

Chaos I backed up, lifted my chin and told him, “Practice your little head games on somebody else, please. I’m too old and tired for that shit.” He looked me up and down, probably assessing my age, and then—bastard—turned his back and walked out, flipping over his shoulder, “Yeah. I’ll bet you are too old for my shit.” I padded after him. I wanted to protest. I felt suddenly…unwanted. Blocked out. Chaos yanked open a sliding door of a closet and reached for clothes. Even his jeans were hung up. I knew a woman did that for him. That made me straighten my spine, get a little sense, maybe. He’d been toying with me? Having a little fun? It was obviously over. I felt tremendously stupid. Yeah, again. I would have liked to stand there and watch him dress, but more than that, I knew I had to get out— before he realized that I wanted to stay. I threw up a wall in my head, and told myself over and over again, “Right, I don’t want any part of Chaos.” A mantra, trying to convince myself more than him, probably, I let it loop over and over again in my head while I scrambled around for my clothes. Found everything but my panties and bra. Okay, I found my mini-skirt and top, my heels, and my jacket. That was enough. And my purse. I had myself together in no time flat, kept my back to Mr. Fuck You, Too. The homeys were moving around down there, at the other end. Damn. I’d have to go past them to get to the elevator. There’s a joke. My mind ran through a 28

Carys Weldon ton of Ho cracks. I hated the gauntlet that I guessed would come, had to steel myself for that. I wasted time digging in my purse, running a brush through my hair, though I roughed it up with my hands after that. I prolonged my departure, I don’t know why. It wasn’t the homey goons. I could handle that. I didn’t like leaving things as they were. And he was avoiding me, too, it looked like, had disappeared back into the bathroom. I knew I should run then. But I hate being a coward. That’s not really my nature. So, I waited for him to come out.. Waited forever. Waited so long that I started to think about going in and telling him what I thought about him, and all his practicing. Got downright pissed, actually. I sent him a thought. If you can read my mind, you bastard, come out and say goodbye. The least you could do is call me a cab. I could call my own cab. I could hail one on the street for that matter. I could walk home. Hell, I needed a good, hard run in fresh air. I couldn’t breathe in there. There was no excuse for staying. He’d made it quite clear that we were done. When no answer came, I felt a little devastated. I expected a Get lost, bitch, or something. But I got nada. And, eventually, I couldn’t stall any more. Feeling totally used, terribly let down, unbelievably depressed, I squared my shoulders and headed for the door. The minute one of his boys thought to open his mouth, I shut him down fast. Looking him in the eye, 29

Chaos I warned, “Don’t be stupid. You see me being happy?” I raised my lips, gave him a little hint of the teeth, a glimpse of the crinos me. In a split second, my nose and jaw extended, pearly fangs gleamed, and then were gone, and I was me again. There’s a flash for ya. Yeah. I got respect. As I climbed on the lift, I heard them snicker to themselves. “Ain’t often a bitch leaves here without a smile. Wonder what that shit’s all about.” A whole lot of that sort of talk. The gate started to close and I looked up at the ceiling of the elevator, an open steel cage. Glass panels alternated with metal in a haphazard pattern in the factory style warehouse. We were on the top floor. Briefly, I wondered how long Chaos had lived there, and how many other garou were in the building, on the other floors, how many floors there were. I didn’t really want to know—just trying not to think about him. Again, I repeated to myself I don’t need any more Chaos. But you know, I was feeling real depressed, heartsick, and part of me, the part that wasn’t admitting squat, knew that I’d fallen for him. If that ain’t about the dumbest thing ever. Fall for the biggest playa in the league. The cage made some noise like it needed oiled. Old gears in a cranky set-up. I sagged against the back wall, closed my eyes, thanking Gaia I’d been able to get out relatively unscathed, refusing to get introspective while he was still within breathing range. Of course, that moment of relief was short-lived. 30

Carys Weldon I heard growling, (furious roaring, actually,) and I smelled fear, a lot of it (goons?) and opened my eyes in time to see Chaos slam a hand on the lift stop button—right before the doors closed. Making them open again. So what if he looked fucking hot? Good enough to eat? He also looked mad enough to kill.

31

Chaos

Chapter Five

H

e didn’t say a word. At least, not straight up. No. He stared at me, though, and that said plenty. Apparently, he’s not used to women walking out on him. Not until he dismisses them. How the hell was I supposed to know? I thought I had been. See, that’s the thing about Chaos and me. He thought I ‘got’ him. He thought I was playing him, like I had a better grip on my brain, and my heart, than I really did. It took me a long time to figure that out. I had no clue to the rules he operated by. I mean, sure, I played the playa’s all the time. That was my suicide day entertainment. But I’d never gamed in an arena like Chaos played in. Don’t get me wrong, I was always moving up the ladder, looking for a bigger player to play, but I don’t know what kind of ape-shit thinking had been in my brain when I saw him coming and didn’t walk away. That was definitely a death wish speaking out. And don’t think I didn’t rack my brain trying to remember that pickup scene. I wondered, what the hell? How come I was blacking that out? 32

Carys Weldon But that didn’t really matter at the moment. Picture me trying to act cool with Chaos staring me down like he wanted to strangle me. It took him a minute to get his lips around some words. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Call it the death wish speaking. I batted my eyes, boldly acting innocent. “Where the fuck do you think I’m going?” There was not one sound coming from the apartment behind him. I know those guys were afraid to breathe. I’m telling you, when Chaos gets his deadly tension going, you know not to move. But I didn’t really care if he killed me. Those moments I’d waited for him to come out of the bathroom, I’d already died. I was numb inside. I wasn’t up to any games. My eyes flashed. Liquid red, I bet. Probably matched the lipstick I’d put on. Black eyes tend to do that when you’re absolutely bucking up death’s door. Indecision. (His.) Let me go. Drag me back inside. Walk me out. I saw it warring within him. It felt like an eternity. There was nothing in that that had anything to do with saving face for his followers. He already had their respect, wasn’t worried about losing it. It had more to do with what was going on inside of him, I think. I felt it more than anything. And that confusion he was feeling transmitted itself to me. Or maybe it spoke to the disordered mess in my own head. That silence was like a living thing. It stretched. It broke. But our eye contact never did. Finally, I guess, he got a little control together. He didn’t smile. I 33

Chaos remember the distinct feeling like I was trapped again, in one of Chaos’ little games of self-exploration. Smoothly, he settled his shoulder against the opening of the lift, crossed one foot over the other, and looked like he planned to lean there all day…watching me. It was a good thing I was leaning against the wall. I didn’t have any strength in me, all of a sudden. I let out a heavy breath, and tipped my head back, watching him under closed lids. Ages we stood there. Finally, he rubbed his lips together and asked, “You hungry?” Yeah, I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten since I don’t know when. Plus, I was hungry for him to put his arms around me. But I didn’t like that. It made me surly. “I was going home.” It came out a little haughty. “Is that right?” I ran my tongue over my upper teeth, below my lips, and said matter-of-factly, “Yeah.” We were both still posing, and I was trying desperately to keep my mind blank, not to think about how sexy he was, or, like I said, how much I wanted to roll up into his arms and let him hold me. Funny, how you can be tough for so long, way too long, and not realize how desperately you just want someone to take care of you. I knew, instinctively, that, if anyone could take care of me, it was him. But I did not want to let him in. It made me a little sad. Bleak. There was no future with the man. He was on a one-way road. As an alpha player, his days were numbered. There was always somebody clawing up the doggie ladder, looking for a 34

Carys Weldon top spot. So, I could go for longevity, walk away (if he’d let me) or steal the good moments that I could, before he discarded me, or got killed, or we both got killed. I could see it all flashing before my eyes, while I stood there in that lift. Live or die. Really live and die early, or eke out more days like I’d been living. I reached up, ran a hand through my hair, and asked, “What did you have in mind?” He growled, then, and stepped into the elevator. It didn’t matter that he had his boys behind him. I never even thought about them. Garou don’t care about that sort of thing. It was all between him and me. So he kissed me again. And I had visions in my head of it going a lot further than that. Practically saw a repeat of the bathroom scene. And I wanted him to do it with me standing up, like that, in front of his posse. Stake a public claim, ya know? Not like they didn’t know we’d already slept together. But he didn’t. Oh, he kissed me good and plenty. He felt me up real well, too. Damn near had me wetting down my legs for him. Totally had my skirt pushed up so he could finger me, got me moaning like a bitch in heat. And I know he was ready to go. He pressed his pelvis into me, letting me feel the hot rod between us. So, I know what he wanted. Why he didn’t take it, right then and there, I have no idea. But he sure played up the want. Had me panting big time. Reaching back, he hit the down button without 35

Chaos looking. So, we went, what? Four floors? Five? Six? Seven? While he kissed my brains out, I felt like the world was falling out from underneath me. But I didn’t want to be saved. At the bottom, he pulled himself away from me, tugged my skirt back into place, pulled my shirt down to a respectable neatness, and took me by the hand, leading me out of the lift. Looking from side to side, he shrugged, and drew me along. It was overcast, looked like it was gonna rain any second. Even a bit drizzly. The kind of mist that you can’t hardly see, but leaves you wet pretty quick? We didn’t walk fast. And, to tell you the truth, it felt weird. Surreal maybe. I mean, here we were— strolling—along a dark neighborhood. Like teenagers. Maybe it was so his posse would have time to catch up. It didn’t take them long. I felt them, smelled them, before I caught glimpse of them. Kind’ve made me roll my shoulders. Wondered if he’d been walking slow for that reason alone. But who knows what was in his mind? I remember glancing up at him, looking at his handsome profile, and wondering what I’d done to get his undivided attention. It was obvious he wasn’t letting me go. And damned if I could remember what I might’ve done to impress him. Out of the blue, he turned to me, made me stop walking. He glanced up the street one way, and then back towards his boys. “Look. There is no place, really, where we can talk without someone hearing us.” So, okay, I didn’t say anything to that. What could I 36

Carys Weldon say? What did he want to say that he didn’t want people to hear? Roughly, he rummaged through his hair with his free hand. Yeah, he had a finger grip on mine still. He scratched the back of his neck, too. Then, he said, seriously, “I’ve been watching you for a long time.” What could I say to that? Kind’ve made me nervous, like I needed more of that. I hadn’t stopped tingling from the moment he stepped into the elevator. Felt like I was all hyped up on something, the way my blood seemed to be rushing through me. Total energy, wired, ready to run. Way too much metabolism bottling up with nowhere to go, no outlet in sight. I’ll come clean, though. I’d been watching him for a lifetime. What girl wouldn’t have been? You’d have to be blind not to. And even then, if you were truly blind, you could sniff a whiff of him and swoon anyway. It was no use to pretend I hadn’t noticed his game. I’d just steered clear. Waiting for him to speak his mind, I wondered, idly, where his twin brother, Leer, was. Guess that slipped in from his thoughts. He said a second later, “I can’t think without Leer hearing me. You know that.” That mind link thing was too invasive, pissed me off to no end. “So don’t think,” I said. It wasn’t a brilliant line, but he seemed to think it was a good idea. His mind was always racing. Always thinking ahead. He said, “The minute he knows I’m with you, he’ll be sniffing up your—” 37

Chaos I put a couple of fingers to his lips. “Shh. Stop thinking about it. Can’t you just enjoy the moment?”

38

Carys Weldon

Chapter Six

I

leaned up and kissed Chaos, letting those fingers that touched his lips slip into his hair, and wrap around the curls at the nape of his neck. His hair wasn’t long and shaggy like his brother’s. Not that I was comparing the two, really. But Leer had a Fabio thing going on, and Chaos, well, he had the demon control of ‘the source’ off of Charmed. Dark as night. Brooding presence. Sex appeal in a devilish shadow, if that makes sense. I sure never thought far enough ahead to get some kind of hope for Leer. I was too caught up in Chaos. And really, Chaos and me, we just fit together. Maybe that was something he liked about me? The fact that I wasn’t comparing or pitting him against his brother? There was enough of that sibling rivalry between them. I’d watched them both snagging each other’s girlfriends in the past. And maybe that was why I had avoided them like the plague. You know, good old self-preservation. Ha. That’s a laugh, isn’t it? Little miss self-destruct was afraid of getting hurt or being used by them. It didn’t matter. I’ve always lived on borrowed 39

Chaos time. So, there we were, kissing. Chaos deepens kisses like he’s drinking in his last breath. He inhales you, pulls you against him, and savors the body contact. There isn’t a part of him that doesn’t wrap around you. At least, that’s what it felt like to me. He was swallowing me up, taking me into him, and we were fully dressed, right there on the street. But I didn’t want to be let go. I felt desperate to convey that to him. And you know what? I wouldn’t have given one shit if he’d backed me up to that brick wall behind us, in broad daylight, and made love to me. Right then and there, I thought just take what you can get. Whatever happiness he’s offering you, love it while he lets you. He must’ve liked my train of thought. I felt him growl, down deep in his chest. And I think I answered with a replying moan from deep in, too. Nothing mattered at that moment, but that desire to just grab a little…I wouldn’t call it happiness. Maybe…snatching a little soul-feed? I won’t say I loved him, then. At least, I didn’t admit anything to myself at the time, for fear of him horning in on my thoughts. But I needed him. And he wanted me. And Gaia knows I needed the protection of his arms around me, that feeling of being safe. I didn’t try to decipher my emotions. Eventually, we came up for air. And he realized before I did that we were getting soaked. “Let’s get something to eat.” 40

Carys Weldon Again, tugging me by the hand, he pulled me along. It felt good, like I belonged. You know, most people don’t realize how much they want to belong until they do. I was like that. Always thought I was a bit of a loner, ya know? Not that I ever liked being lonely. Or ever dwelt on that much. When those feelings came in, I went looking for company. Sisters. Brothers. I didn’t care. Just so I didn’t have to think too hard on what was really going on inside me. Sometimes you don’t really wanna get that deep, even with yourself. Facing your shortcomings is just too much, ya know? We were in his backyard, so to speak, and he knew just the place to take me to, a cellar dive by the look of it. A stranger to the neighborhood never would’ve noticed the place. There was no sign above the stairwell, and no window in the door, and it wasn’t too far from the warehouse. He tapped twice, waited a second, then tapped once. The door opened to show a flat faced, no nonsense thug. Without any expression whatsoever, he looked from Chaos to me and then backed up, letting us in. The place had the feel of an underground booze club from the prohibition days. What were they called? Speakeasies? Real light background music, though, no stage or anything. The lighting was yellow, and low, leaving lots of room for shadows to play on the walls. Men leaned together, in twos and threes, plotting murder—I know because I could hear them. Damn ears. I 41

Chaos reached up, covered my outside ear and ducked my head. I didn’t wanna know what they were up to. I didn’t wanna get eye contact with them. And I cursed my snowy white hair. Evading glances by turning into Chaos, letting him wrap his arm around me, and steer me to a booth in the back, I asked, in my mind, Holy shit, what kind’ve place did you bring me to? “Relax,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head, gesturing for me to slip into the seat. He slid in beside me and a second later, a waiter appeared. Italian Mafia-looking guy. I watched him, wondering when the fuck we’d gotten Italian garous in our neck of the woods. I could smell him well enough. Definitely a werewolf in human clothing. The whole place was filled with ‘em. “What can I get ya?” He never looked right at us, but his voice had that New Yorker Hell’s Kitchen thing going on in it. Chaos asked me, “Same as last night?” What had I been drinking the night before? I bit my lower lip and shook my head. Whatever it was, it had stolen my memory. Chaos looked up at the guy and said, “Why don’t you bring us a bottle of something that’ll work well with steaks. And then bring us the biggest, rarest you’ve got.” In a zip, we were alone, and Chaos set an elbow on the table, turning to look at me, and said, “It wasn’t the booze that did that to you.” “What? You drugged me?” It was supposed to be a joke. 42

Carys Weldon He grinned. “Hardly, honey. That mug at the bar did, though.” I wrinkled my nose over his word mug. My word, actually, when I’d laid eyes on the thug at the door. I’d thought, geez, talk about an ugly mug. Thinking back to the club I’d been at the night before, and the bartender, I asked, “Really?” All I could remember was coming in alone, taking a seat at the bar, ordering and nursing a couple of drinks, while watching the crowd. They had a dance floor. There was a packed house. Plenty to scam on. Nothing catching my eye in particular, ya know? Shrugging, Chaos looked around, “I took care of it, though.” That had me tipping my head forward, trying to look at his expression. “What do you mean…you took care of it?” “Just what I said.” Real tightly, it crawled out of his lips. I noticed that he had put one hand along the seat behind me, had his fingers in my hair—absent-like. But he squinted in the opposite direction of me, as the door opened. Then he stiffened. Of course, I looked. It was Leer, his brother. And looking too hot, too. Wearing black leather pants, a silk shirt, and a black leather jacket. I didn’t dwell on the thought, but I’m not blind. And the smell of the guy was something to note, too. It’s like some guys have the greatest chemistry with their aftershave. Or maybe, like Chaos, he didn’t need any extra enhancement. Whatever, he 43

Chaos commanded attention too. He was in the door by a step when his head jerked, his nostrils flared, and he skewered our booth with his gaze. Penetrating gold gleaming eyes. Chaos didn’t move. Not one flinch. Not one inch. Sure enough, Leer made a beeline for us. Stopped a foot from the table, propped a hand on his front pocket, real casual—too casual. I couldn’t help but look up at him. He was standing right over us, exuding every bit of sex appeal that Chaos had—just a different picture. I was actually afraid to move. Too many times, these brothers had got into scrapes—okay, brawls—that ended up with a whole place cleared out and dead. How they kept from killing each other, I dunno. And I damn sure didn’t wanna find out. Leer smiled. Definitely a wolfish grin. And the feral gleam in his eye, as it looked over my face, and what else he could see above the table, got nothing but stronger. Predatory. He asked, almost idly, “Order yet?” Chaos watched him like he wanted to kill him, like he definitely didn’t trust him. Sure enough, Leer slid into the booth, on the other side of me, saying, “You won’t mind if I join you, then, will you?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He turned directly to me and said, “Tee, isn’t it?” That kind’ve floored me. I mean, I never would’ve guessed that he knew my name. Or maybe he’d been listening in? I turned a little red, thinking that he 44

Carys Weldon might’ve honed in on our little bathroom scene earlier. I blanked my brain as much as possible, wondering if he knew what I thought of him. Hell, I didn’t know what I thought of him. To say I was feeling a bit confused, sitting there between them, is an understatement. I wasn’t sure if I was a pawn in a game or what. But it was like sitting between two sides of a mirror. One reflecting all the light in the room, and the other (Chaos) absorbing every shadow, drawing darkness in a tangible, tight-fisted, tightlipped way. I nodded, though, out of reflex. “Yeah.” I flashed him a bit of my teeth. The fingers in my hair had gone still. (Don’t know exactly when.) Leer snapped his fingers, the waiter appeared again, and he gave an order for a big, raw steak, too. It’s a garou thing. He also ordered a beer. Stretching out beside me, like he owned the place, Leer let his leg rub against mine, and I took it for what it was. Interest, an offer. So, I had a choice there. I knew it sure as shit. But I never thought twice on it. I put my hands under the table, and slid one to Chaos’s thigh, then squeezed. My pinky reached to rub lightly against the manhood contained there. Just a tickle, but enough to let him know how I felt about the intrusion. That’s what I thought of it. You know, awkward. Bad timing. “I heard you two hooked up last night.” Leer seemed to think something about that was funny, but that was explained a second later when he added, “I 45

Chaos was a few minutes behind you, I guess.” That got a grin out of Chaos, and I felt him relax beneath my hand. His fingers slipped through my hair again, and he pulled me close, whispered in my ear, “Don’t believe any of his shit.” But he thought it was funny, I could tell that. “Is he being modest?” Leer took the beer that was set before him, as Chaos nodded for the red wine to be poured. I didn’t want to sound stupid, so I just waited for one of them to elaborate. It didn’t take long. Leer shrugged, took a draw on his beer, and commented while he looked around, “I don’t think they’ll open up again for awhile. You pretty much cleaned the place out.” So, I turned to look at Chaos, and asked in my head, What did you do?

46

Carys Weldon

Chapter Seven

I

knew what he’d done. He’d gone crinos. Him and his posse had done some house cleaning. And then he’d hauled me home, put me in his bed. Probably expected me to be grateful. All that went through my mind. He shook his head. His lip curled a bit and he said, “Not grateful, Tee,” but he wasn’t looking me in the eye. Leer asked, “What was that he’d given her? Rohypnol?” It was completely a ruse, like he couldn’t remember. Leer’s too astute. He knew the story. He was just digging into our business. But I was stunned. Rohypnol? The date rape drug. Fuck. No wonder I’d been fuzzy when I woke up. I hoped to hell that Chaos tore that guy a new asshole. What kind of a sick shit mickey’s a girl without her permission? That’s total bullshit. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to know that Chaos was annoyed with Leer. Yeah, he’d been listening in on everything. He knew that Chaos hadn’t talked to me about it yet. And he was taking advantage of the politics. 47

Chaos I felt hurt. I’m sure it showed in my eyes. So, that’s how he’d gotten me to his lair. No smooth talking required. I could just imagine how willing I’d been. Or completely out of it. Chaos put something on the line there, to keep me, I think. He apologized. “I was going to talk to you about it here.” He spared an ‘I could kill you’ look toward his brother. But, really, his attention was on me. I went to move my hand off his leg, but his other hand dropped and held it there. Leer didn’t seem to mind the tension at all. In fact, he watched it with total amusement. We were on center stage with an avid audience, and I hated it. But it was amazing how Chaos blocked his brother out, and made me feel like all his focus was on me—which I know it couldn’t have been—but that’s how I felt at the time. “I don’t clear clubs for just any zoned-out bitch.” Frustrated, he groaned, “I told you…I’ve been watching you for a long time.” Maybe that explains my lack of success on the night scene for months. And my increasing number of suicide days that didn’t go anywhere. He’d put the word out? I wonder, now, if he had any idea how messed up I’d gotten in that time frame. Leer chuckled. Don’t get the impression that Leer was being a total butthead, because he wasn’t. I think, in a way, that he thought he was helping Chaos. You know, pushing him to make the hook up or move on. In fact, I think he was the moving force behind Chaos all 48

Carys Weldon along—in everything. I mean, he propelled Chaos on the path up to alpha—always gave him a reason to push the envelope. And he really seemed content, back then, to let Chaos be the big dog. (pun intended) But, to everything there is a season. I knew that. They knew that. That’s just how it is with garou. You gotta get out to live happily ever after. So, to help matters, Leer drawled, “He’s been thinking you’re real fine for a long time, Tee, but he’s been having a little trouble stepping up to the plate.” Funny, really, since Chaos had pretty much been bellying up to every plate, and crotch, in the city. Guess this just goes to show you, if it ain’t what you’re craving, it ain’t gonna satisfy. “Don’t you have something else to do?” Chaos growled at his brother, eyeing him down. But Leer just shrugged, smirked some more, and swigged his beer. The steaks arrived. We dug in, ate in silence. And finally, somewhere near the end of the meal, Leer said, “There’s another turn over rising in Pack City. You may wanna watch your back, brother.” The neutral zone, a back to nature wolf reserve, secured by paperwork and Lobos International treaty. I grew up there. That’s really how I knew about Leer and Chaos. I hadn’t been back for awhile. A lot of politics going on there, for a neutral zone. I’d heard the rumors that something was up, but then, something was always up there. Chaos had taken the place over, but stepped out for breathers every so often—or so the grapevine said. I think he knew that the high profile, with his homeys 49

Chaos in tow, was the best way to keep peace. I only went back when I needed to run a kill, go with the urges, that sort of thing. I was way overdue, judging from my pent-up issues. The turnovers happened, actually, out of city, in the regular city—where we were. No fighting in P.C.. Chaos didn’t seem concerned. “I’d heard.” He’s such a fraud. Fronting the tough guy. “Just thought you should know. You should probably make a move.” “Or you could make yours.” They were talking in tongues. Talking about takeovers? Was Leer bucking up the alpha tree? So, okay, I was definitely getting bad vibes between them. That was some dangerous ground to be in the middle of. So, they both wanted to control Pack City? I glanced around the room, listened up a bit. Yeah. Everybody was plotting, all right. I rubbed a hand through my hair, felt the frisson of nerve climbing my back. I let Chaos refill my glass. No. I didn’t want to know what they were up to, but I knew—I knew it was too late, that I was already on the playing field. I drank half that bottle between their grunts, and I thought Live, Tee, while you can. Somewhere in the middle of that meal, I let my mind slip. Now, I didn’t really want to sleep with Leer. I knew that would end up in one of them dead, and probably me, too. But I had that creeping who gives a shit feeling. My days were numbered. I could see that by where I was eating. So, I let a fantasy fill my brain. 50

Carys Weldon What if I ended up in bed with the two of them? At the same time? Stupor? Or just stupid smile? It didn’t last long. A quick vision of both of them, naked on either side of me, suckling my breasts, rubbing their cocks along my thighs. I felt—yes, felt— Chaos’s finger sliding inside of me, and a total wetness slicking my cunt. Wait. That was real. And it was intrusive, truly, when he snapped my eyes open by thinking, “I’d kill, remember?” Guilty, I couldn’t look at either of them. I pulled his hand from between my legs, tried to smooth my skirt down. Worse, I knew that Leer and Chaos, both, had been in my head, experienced the whole sensation. I muttered, “Fuck you both.” One of them had to have put it in my head. Leer, of course, thought it was funny as hell. And Chaos, I think if I hadn’t been between them, would have climbed across the table and ripped his brother’s throat out. Turning at the waist, toward Leer, I said, “You know what? I’m about as fucked up as I can be. I don’t need your bullshit.” His gaze slipped past me. “But you want his?” I didn’t know what I wanted. No. That’s not true. Right then and there, I made up my mind. I wanted Chaos. Not Leer. Not anybody else. I didn’t care if it was a short ride, or if he dumped me in the morning, or if I was dead by the next dawn. Of course, I had to work through all that, while 51

Chaos staring at Leer’s profile, watching him watch Chaos. And Chaos—he was waiting patiently, not even breathing. I guess they’d been at that impasse many a time before, but it was a first for me. And a last. Remember how I said that I’d made up my mind that morning…one true love before I died? Well, this was my moment of truth. I knew, without a doubt, that I’d put myself in the hands of a mad man, a man that had the world by the balls, and me by the—you know. Tit? Crotch? No. He had me by the heart, in a strangling little choke-hold that made it hard to breathe. That’s why my answer came out real breathy. “Yeah. I do.” Now, I can honestly say, it never appeared like Leer really wanted me. He was just there to push buttons between me and Chaos. Oh, I’m sure I could’ve walked out on his arm. Well, climbed out of the booth to do it. But that would’ve sparked a fight. Something, I think, Leer halfway wanted. He freaking smiled then. And still, his gaze was steady on Chaos. Too much delight, if you ask me. So, now Chaos was stuck with me. At least until Leer got up and walked out. But, I hadn’t kicked his pride. I wondered what he’d do to mine. Funny, but Leer didn’t seem to be feeling any kick in the butt. That’s how I knew that he was there to help us progress in our relationship. I’m thinking back, though, and wondering…was the plan laid out to weaken Chaos in the long run? I mean, a man’s tough until he has something to lose. Right? 52

Carys Weldon

Chapter Eight

L

eer waited for Chaos to say something. So did I, I guess, but I wasn’t looking at him. I kept my eyes on Leer. Felt safer than turning toward a possible heartache. Chaos cracked, as he leaned back in a feigned relaxed pose, “I guess you helped her change her mind.” Déjà vu to the conversation before I tried to walk out. Did I want his shit or not? To Leer, I said, “You should get a life of your own, you son-of-a-bitch.” He laughed. It sounded hoarse, quiet, under his breath. He was sure as shit amused with himself. I wanted to hit him. “Nah. I’m living vicariously through Chaos. He’s got enough going on for two of us at the moment.” It was just a cover. Leer had a ton of things going on back then. Including a plan to take his brother down. I felt it but I was afraid to accuse him point blank. I thought please leave. I didn’t like feeling like his joke on his brother. But that’s how he left us, with me feeling stupid again, 53

Chaos and Chaos trying to figure out what the hell he’d been up to. Chaos and I spent a lot of time just being quiet. I guess that’s how we knew we were really meant for each other. It was okay for us to not think when we were together. Leer looked back at us, when he reached the door, and he smiled—more to himself than anything. But he intruded in our heads again by saying enjoy it while it lasts, life is short. Call me crazy, but I do think he wanted us to grab a little happiness. And he was damn right, life is short. Snagging a little pleasure while we could wasn’t unreasonable. The minute the door closed behind him, Chaos turned to me, to watch my profile. I was still struggling with feeling like the butt of Leer’s private joke, and trying to figure out why he wanted me to be with Chaos. I mean, what was that all about? “Don’t try and figure out his little head games, Tee. You’ll waste a lot of time. Believe me, I know.” So, I swiveled in the booth and asked him point blank, “Why is it funny to him, to see us together?” My eyes may have been a little glassy from all the wine I’d imbibed. I was feeling a little reckless. “I told you. I’ve been watching you for a long time.” “And what’s that mean?” He put his hand over mine and took several seconds skimming his thumb over the flesh on the back of my hand, picking his words. “It means, I’ve been real careful to avoid you.” 54

Carys Weldon That confused me. I tried to pull my hand out of his, but he tightened his grip, explaining, “I can’t afford to let anyone in, Tee.” I got it. So, he picked me because I was tough, I never let anyone in? Yeah. That kicked me in the gut. Fronting, I let out a little laugh, played the playa. “Whew. That’s a relief. I told you, I don’t really want any of your shit.” “But—” I knew where he was going. But I’d told Leer different. Yeah. And I felt—different. But that didn’t mean I was letting him know it. “Look. Your brother was pushing buttons. I just backed you up. No harm. No foul. Right? Also,” I added this before he could respond, “no obligation. Capisce?” The capisce seemed to go with the atmosphere. He was tough. I was tough. We didn’t need to feel anything to screw around with each other. Right? I watched him close. More than anything, I wanted him to refute my words, to swear undying love for me. But that’s not real. He was protecting. Who doesn’t do that? His adam’s apple did do a number or two before he shrugged things off, and poured us another round. Damn bottle was almost empty by then. We both drank up. I guess he decided to really piss me off, then. He said, “So, you want me to tell you about last night?” That felt like a challenge, straight up. I didn’t want 55

Chaos to leave, though, so I said, “Sure. Let her rip.” Then I smiled, just for good measure. But I was gritting my teeth, felt sick all of a sudden. He licked his lips, watching me with a keen eye. “I saw you the minute you walked in to the club, you know.” “Right.” I didn’t believe that. “Watched you slink your ass in wearing that Gaiadamned mini-skirt that begged for attention.” I was too big for it. It was too short. But I was beyond caring, wanted to be the real me, living on the edge, not giving a damn what other people thought, so, voila, I wore it, even it if was two sizes too small. When I didn’t react to his words, he kept going. “Watched you climb up onto that barstool, order a drink, and cross your legs.” My legs are long, and in pretty good shape. I reclined a little, myself, putting some space between us. I could just feel something building up in him. The memory. That’s what it was. His muscles were bunching up, just thinking about how he felt while watching me, and what was going on. I interrupted him. “Why didn’t you come over and say something? I mean, if you liked what you saw?” Living for the minute, I kicked off a shoe and stuck my toes in his crotch, felt up the bulge in his pants. His hand squeezed me against him, held it there, just as sure as his gaze pinned me, too. “I wanted to.” I pushed with my toes. He closed his eyes briefly. But then he said, “I have a little trouble concentrating in places like that.” He was referring to 56

Carys Weldon all the thoughts that whizzed past him in a crowded place. I think he stored all the info and sifted through it later, when he was alone. “But I narrowed in on you.” That brought a little smile to my lips, and I dragged the wine flute to them, took a sip. “That surprises me. I mean, you always have a ton of honeys around you.” In fact, I remembered, distinctly, that there’d been a table full of women with him and his boys. That, at least, was a clear memory for me. Must’ve got through to him, that I’d been watching him as much as he’d been watching me. His cock swelled beneath my foot. Instant arousal to full attention. I mean, he’d been semi-hard before, but knowing that I’d been looking at him, maybe seeing my own memory, jacking through my emotions when I saw him with chicks under both arms, did something to him. He sat forward, letting go of my foot. Not that I moved it. Just bent my knee a tad to give him room for the adjustment. “Tee, I’ve been fucking hot for you for as long as I can remember.” I laughed. “Now that’s bullshit.” But it wasn’t coming across like it was. He had this serious glint in his eyes, and he was willing to me to believe him. You can’t fight that, not when he’s hypnotizing you like that. “You had two kamikazes.” That surprised me, that he was paying enough attention, from across the crowded club, to know what I’d been drinking. “The second one had the drug in it. I watched the 57

Chaos bartender making it, saw the sleight of hand, heard him tell you that he was getting off shift, watched you drink it in a big chug before I could get to you.” So, I blinked a little. He wasn’t blinking at all. In an even voice, he said, “I reached past you, grabbed him by the throat, and yanked him over the bar, dead at your feet.” My eyebrows went up. He was serious. The picture swam in my brain, another surreal recollection. No wonder I’d buried it. Yeah. I remember that it had happened so fast that I hadn’t had time to back up, or anything. Nobody really knew what was up. But the minute Chaos had reached for the guy, shifting to Crinos, growling a roar of fury, his posse had broke out. Picture me, too stunned to move, not knowing what the hell had happened. The drug had been a heavy dose, quadruple heavy, I’m guessing, because I was going woozy even then, and I’d only had it in my system for a few minutes, if that. Maybe it was laced with something else. But it had been titillating, I know that. Because, as much as I was losing it, I was heating up between my legs. That could have been a reaction to Chaos in crinos. I’m telling you, he’s got some pheromones going on. His voice wasn’t much more than a growl when he said, “I had to get you out of there.” It was all coming back to me, though. A bouncer had jumped him, and then another. And one thing led to the next before the whole place was bloody. I murmured, “I must’ve been stupefied, to not go 58

Carys Weldon crinos in that.” Usually bloodlust kicks in. “You were limp, honey.” “So, what did you do?” Almost tenderly, he asked gruffly, “What do you think?” Trying for humor, to ease his bunching tension, I asked, “Threw me over your shoulder, caveman style?” He chuckled, relaxed a little, reached down and pushed my toes into his crotch again, nodding, “Yeah. That’s it.” “I don’t remember that part.” “I’m not surprised.” “So…what? You let me crash at your place?”

59

Chaos

Chapter Nine

I

knew there was more to it than me just sleeping in his bed. I mean, I’d smelled the sex when I got up. There was no doubt in my mind that he’d taken advantage of me. I wished, instantly, that I could remember that part. So, he obliged me with a grin. Rolling his eyes a little, he shrugged, “I put you on the bed.” I’m guessing that was because the homeys were all over his sofa sectional. “And then what?” He needed prompting. Picking his words too much. I’m guessing he was trying to decide how to explain it to me. He blew out a little laugh. “And then I went and took a fucking shower.” “Oh.” It made sense. He’d killed a few. Probably had blood all over him. That shit goes on all the time in the big city. Those unexplained crimes…they aren’t unexplained, really. That’s garou mafia action. Well, pack politics, and crinos insanity. I willed him this: Unzip your pants. 60

Carys Weldon His eyes darkened, but slow and sure, I heard him ease his zipper down, and I put my foot to his cock, felt the velvet skin of it beneath the pad of my foot. Neither of us looked around. We didn’t care if other garou had keyed in on the light sound—so light that no one but one of us would have heard. But then, that’s all that hung out there. So, likely as not, everyone knew what was up. (pun intended)I teased, “And after the shower, you hung out with the boys, watched some TV, and then fell in beside me, keeping your hands to yourself. Right?” “Right.” His lips quirked upward on one side. “But you always sleep naked. Right?” “Yep.” He was watching me, so close. I think he wanted me to remember our first time together. And I hated to disappoint him, but, hey, I was under the influence. And that was too stinking bad. My toe touched liquid, and I went to draw it back. I’d really just wanted to tease him anyway, but he hung onto me, wouldn’t let me retreat. “So, I climbed into bed beside you, tired. Beat, actually.” I snickered, “Licking your wounds?” “Yeah. You could say that.” Honestly, he added, “It didn’t help that you’d completely zonked out on me.” “Apparently you managed to revive me at some point.” “Oh, hell no. You revived yourself.” Silence stretched between us. He was playing me, or so I thought. I grinned. “Then how did I get naked? Stripped myself in a fit of…what? Drug-induced 61

Chaos lethargy?” “Smart ass.” He liked my mouth, I knew it the way his lips were twitching, and the way his eyes were twinkling. “I undressed you.” “I thought so.” Suddenly, the play went out of the air between us. I saw something in his eyes, that tenderness resurfacing. Turning my chin a little away from him, watching him out of the corner of my eye, I asked, “And what?” I knew there was something that had happened there. Chaos lowered his voice, and sweetly, he admitted, “Tee, I never took care of anybody before. Not like that.” I tried to discern what that meant. I know, sure as shit, that he’d taken women’s clothes off of them before. And probably in stupors of all kinds. “Close your eyes.” Part of me was afraid to, but I did it anyway. I’m really surprised he did this next thing, considering that Leer was probably listening in. But then, I think Leer probably saw it the first time it happened. They’ve got some crazy twin thing going on that’s bigger than any old psychic connection. He let me see what he saw. Chaos pressed my mind with the vision of him letting go of me on his pallet, feeling my breath against his cheek, him listening to my heart, checking my pulse. So, he’d been afraid I was overdosing? “Yeah.” It was weird, him giving me his thoughts, the connection he was able to give me. I felt his worry. 62

Carys Weldon I asked, “Why were you so worried? I mean—” He cut me off, “Shh. Just feel what I felt, Tee. Let it happen.” I felt a racing pulse. His. The way he’d felt helpless. Some homey behind him asked, “She okay?” Through his eyes, I saw him look around, over his shoulder. The guy was covered in blood, but he was worried, concerned. Before that, I’d never thought of his goons like they were people who had any real affection for Chaos. But that man knew that Chaos cared about me, and I had to wonder why. I felt Chaos’s gratitude, a sickness in the pit of his stomach, as he said, “Do I look as bad as you do?” “Yeah, boss.” “Sit with her, while I take a shower.” Chaos didn’t let go of my hand until the guy was close. Taking the man’s hand, he put it on my pulse, and said, “Don’t let go. If she stops breathing, you scream for me.” It was intense, the way he said it, and it sounded like…like he was afraid of losing me. And that stunned me to the bone. To my chest. To somewhere deep inside of me. The place I didn’t dare to inspect. I mean, he’d cared that much when he didn’t even know me? Maybe I was superimposing what I wanted somebody to feel about me. “No. Just watch, Tee.” What seemed like only a second later, he was out of the shower, naked, looking at the guy, and me, asking, “How is she?” “Hasn’t changed, boss. Hasn’t moved a muscle. 63

Chaos But she’s still breathing. Maybe we should take her to a doctor.” “No.” He sat down on the bed, “You go wash up…and thanks.” “No problem.” The guy hesitated to leave, though, and he asked, “You want anything?” I felt emotion then. Chaos choking up. The vision got watery, as his gaze turned to his friend, and he said, “Pray to Gaia.” Electricity frizzled all over my head, and I took both hands to run through my hair, trying to understand this little vision he was giving me. “You got it, boss. Me and the boys. I’ll see to it.” Fuzzy, freaking picture of a blue gray lit room, moon illumination through those glass panels in the ceiling, me on the bed, looking dead. Chaos leaned over me, sniffed, licked little spatters of blood from my skin. Tender ministrations. His tongue tickled at the neckline of my shirt, until he finally pulled it over my head. He slipped my shoes from my feet, too, and then worked my skirt off. Reverently, he looked down at me, fingered around the edges of my undergarments, felt for a pulse on the inside of my thigh. I felt a sadness, heard him whisper, “Don’t leave me before I—” I broke the vision by interrupting with, “What are you trying to tell me?” Chaos, for being a smooth player, shook his head, “Let me show you, Tee.” And when he put the thought please let me show you in my head, I had to let it go on. But feelings of confusion were taking me over. And I think those were his, as much as mine. 64

Carys Weldon He didn’t go back to the moment I broke at. He skipped past it, showed me how he stretched out beside me, rolled me onto him, where my face was on his chest, and my body was along his. He held me like that, stared at the ceiling, I think for ages. One hand wrapped around my back, the fingers splayed out over the skin above my waist. The other, he had on my head, and occasionally, he kissed the top of my head, but I felt that his pinky had been spread—to feel my carotid. There was a sense of belonging, a relief in the steady, but slow rhythm of my blood flow that managed to drop to sync with his pulse. Steady, constant. I didn’t understand. Not really. He savored those moments, those hours, when he held me like that.

65

Chaos

Chapter Ten

C

haos moved my foot, leaned toward me and whispered, “Make no mistake, Tee. I fucked you.” You’d think that might have broken the spell, but it didn’t. Once again, the intensity in his eyes transmitted itself to me, mesmerized me. Sucked in, I said, “Show me. Show me how it felt.” I wanted those moments back, I can tell you that. But somehow, I knew that getting them from his viewpoint would be so much more profound to me. My emotions are always all over the place, confused. His were focused, well defined. And the insight into how he felt about me was something I really needed. I was afraid to trust the connection I was feeling. “Close your eyes.” Like a good little girl waiting for a treat, I closed them, leaned back and let the images he was sending fill my brain. He must’ve drifted off at some point, because there was darkness, but the steady beating of the heart, and part of my body felt warm, cozy. That was the side that was draped with a bed partner. Me on him. My 66

Carys Weldon leg had slithered over his, and, in my sleep, I was half over his thigh, half across his chest. Sensitized, like every nerve ending had woken up to an instant awareness. No one was moving anywhere else in the apartment. It was just the two of us on that bed, but I was moving—feeling it from his body. First, it was small, skittering skin touches, slithering fingers, a restless leg. That’s what had woken him up. The half hump bump of my thigh against his manhood. Then the feel of my lacey bra against his chest hairs, roughing his one nipple. And my breath, as I turned my lips upward, not kissing, just breathing in my sleep—but it was a moaning sleep. He kissed the top of my head again, and checked to see if I was awake. I felt his hand skim my exposed cheek, riffle through my hair—with affection. Relief that I wasn’t in a coma any more? Another kiss to the top of my head. Blackness, then the thought, “Thank Gaia.” I didn’t want to come out of this trance. It felt so…good. I never would’ve expected that Chaos had this in him. Or that he’d share it with me. His lips pressed against mine, but I didn’t open my eyes. I felt him around me, crowding me in that booth, but I begged mentally, don’t stop. He chuckled. He kissed me some more. Little pecks and licks under my ear. But that blended with the dreamy images in my head. I’d done that to him in my sleep. And I’d boldly reached for his hand and brought it to my breast. 67

Chaos I felt the squeeze of a handful of flesh, the flick of a thumb over a hardened nipple, through the fabric of the bra. The squirming pressure of the mound plying into me, asking silently for a tighter hold. And I heard me moan in unison with a groan that climbed up from inside my belly, his belly, felt a wisp of breath at my ear, his ear, and heard my own voice plead softly, “Make love to me.” He rolled me onto my back, looked down at my dreamy expression, and kissed me. Tasted me. Closed his eyes and devoured me. Plunged his tongue into me and drank from my soul. And I, limp in his arms, sighed into his hungriness, and arched into his manliness, then pulled my lips free, and airily begged, “Lick me.” Greedily, he did. I felt his tongue along the ridge of the bra, the warmth of his breath over the material as he sucked through it, titillating first one nipple, and then the other. My hands at each side of his face, I dragged him up for a kiss, then pushed him downward, undoing the front clasp of my bra, pulling it open, then saying, “Don’t stop.” Before long, he was over me, between my legs, both hands around my breasts, pushing them together, sucking first on one, then the other, then both at the same time. And there was no mistaking the wantonness beneath his body. I pushed his head down further. Hands to my hips, he rested his face on my abdomen, fingered the crotch edge of my panties, 68

Carys Weldon sniffed my twat. Savored the moment. My eyes opened at that. He was grinning at me, had his face propped about four inches from mine. He teased, “I can smell you getting hot.” What could I say to that? There wasn’t any denying it, that’s for damn sure. Darkly, he said, “Every dog in the place can smell it.” “You like that?” “I like them knowing that I do it to you.” He liked them hearing our conversation. Big ass ears everywhere. But I did, too. Teasing him, I said, “Zip up your pants, Chaos. I’m not climbing under this table to return favors of a man’s fantasy.” His tongue lolled around his mouth for a minute before he cajoled, “C’mon, Tee. Live a little.” “I am,” I told him, as I put my feet back into my shoes, and moved to climb out of the booth. “But I’m done here.” Dropping a big bill on the table, he paid for all three meals. And he left a generous tip. Chaos was more generous than people ever gave him credit for. That’s why he rose to power so quick. There was something clear and true to the way he dealt with people. No backbiting. In your face, at your throat, and up front and honest. No question about how he felt about you. He either liked you or he didn’t. And, as much as there was stuff going on between 69

Chaos him and his brother, (politics of pack action,) there was respect, humor, a kismet connection there. I think they totally understood each other. Actually, I think Chaos totally understood everybody. That’s what made him so great. Maybe too great, if you know what I mean. Other people can’t handle that kind of…what? Leader with insight? Like, it’s too scary. Chaos was scary. He dug in too deep. Exposed people. He followed me out, and I said, “I gotta get a change of clothes.” The thug posse picked up behind us the minute we left the restaurant, coming out of doorways, and shadows. Freaking annoying the way they gathered and slinked. We walked in silence to a busier cross street and he hailed a taxi. We climbed in, I gave my address, then looked over my shoulder. It took two cabs to fit them all. Must’ve been ten or eleven of them. I wondered if they’d multiplied in the light of day? There was a lot of quiet between us, like he was comfortable. I was trying to block out the little bit I’d learned. He niggled into my thoughts with I’m gonna watch you take that skirt off, you know. “Bet me.” He chuckled. The cabby glanced in the rearview mirror and asked, “Excuse me?” I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. Chaos let his fingers stroll up my thigh, and his pinky spread wide and protective, like a little snake it 70

Carys Weldon ventured deep between my legs. I had to push his hand off. I couldn’t think with him doing that. So, I couldn’t think with him anywhere near me. The car jerked to a stop in front of my shabby little nothing place, he paid the tab, and we went up. Nothing so glorious as top floor. Second. Steep, tight stairs, too. At the door, I said, “Don’t expect much. Okay?” He didn’t say anything, just watched me concentrate over which key to put in the three locks. Yeah, not the best of neighborhoods. Worse than the warehouse district. He didn’t say it though. “You’re making me nervous, watching me like that.” “Why? I’ve been doing it for months.” Now, that stopped me for a minute. I glanced up at him. That explained my growing paranoia. “You mean you stalked me?” Flip, he said, “You and a dozen other women.” I knew better, though. He may have been with a dozen other women, but there was something evasive going on. Like he was suddenly protecting. And I began to think twice about letting him in. I mean, I never took anybody back to my place. Not that there was much there. But there were a few things that told on me. “Look. Why don’t you wait out here and I’ll just change my clothes real quick.” He wasn’t going for that. He crowded me, kissed me, reached around me in the middle of that, and opened the door, then pushed me in, shut the door, and had me against it while he sucked my heart out 71

Chaos with his perfect soul-rending tongue intrusion. When he let me up for air, I pushed at him, and joked, “So, I guess you don’t like waiting in the hall.” He let me slip past him. A little nervous, now that we were in the confines of my apartment, and I realized that it told on me a little bit, I smoothed my skirt down and tugged on my shirt. Then, I turned my back on him, glancing around, wondering how he saw my place. There wasn’t much to it, really. Nothing to brag about. Cheap furniture that looked good. Floral print: pretty pink and blue flowers on a beige background. I dropped a hand across the velvet texture, and let my gaze stray to the things hanging on the wall. Just flowers. Forget-me-nots. Lilies. He said, “I can’t see anything but you. Don’t you get it?” I was not getting it. I didn’t want to get it. I sure didn’t believe it. So, I shrugged, headed toward the bedroom, and said over my shoulder, “Make yourself comfortable.” Never say that to a strutting stud garou.

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Chapter Eleven

H

e pounced. Leaping furniture. Slapped a hand against the doorjamb of the bedroom before I could even get in there. “I’ll take that as an invitation.” He kissed me again. I’m losing myself here, in some little fantasy world. But it really happened like that. I can look back and see that he was dying to get it across to me that he was already in love with me—long before we hooked up. My hands went up, instinctively, between us, and pushed as I pried my lips loose. “Back off, Chaos.” The intensity was getting to me. I hadn’t had a chance to examine what was going on. Or fall back to the realization that I’d had a crush on his broody bad ass for as far as I could remember. I guess my reaction flipped a switch. Hands up, he backed off all right. He even said, “I was having a little fun. I forgot who I was dealing with.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Yeah, I was picking the fight, needing some space. “Exactly what it sounded like.” He wasn’t backing 73

Chaos down. I geared up for a slap in the face. But mostly, I geared up to wrap a shield around my heart. I knew…I just knew…he was about to hurt me. “Go ahead, say it.” I dared him, right up in his face. “You are one fucking hard ass bitch. You never let anyone in.” I didn’t miss a beat. “I let you in, but I’m sorry about that already.” He reached out, grabbed me by the shirt, pulled (yeah, it ripped) and he said through gritted teeth, “Maybe I should give you something to really be sorry about?” We already established that this was my second suicide day in a row. Right? I said, “Why don’t you, big ass?” He spun me, with that one hand on my shirt, dragged me through the bedroom door, and pushed, plopping me backward onto the bed. I never really knew what hit me. I mean, he never hurt me. Just took me by surprise. Then he climbed up on me, straddled my body. I was hitting at him, I think, a little afraid that my rape dream was coming true. But he didn’t grab my hands or make me stop. He just waited until I got worn out. Until I let my head fall back and tears come. Until I told him, “I hate you.” He let me cry. Gaia knows how long he sat on top of me while I did that. A thousand years of floods. A lifetime of men disappointing me. When the tide finally let up, and I sniffed—my eyes still closed—he said quietly, “I hate you, too.” 74

Carys Weldon That made me look up at him. He looked sad. Beaten. His shoulders sloped forward. His hands rested on his thighs. And his expression was totally bleak. That’s when I got it. Everything he’d been trying to show me. Everything we’d been dancing around, and all the things we weren’t looking in the eye. Well, we looked it in the eye then. But, honestly? I could not bring myself to ask him if he was really saying he loved me, or if he realized that was what I was trying to say to him. I sniffed, got a clearer vision and asked the obvious question. “So, where do we go from here?” Strangled, he said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m dying.” It was a statement about his future, about his present, about everything between us. “Me too.” More bleakness filled the gap between us as we searched each other’s face. He told me, “I don’t wanna be alone any more,” but he wasn’t looking at my eyes. At my hair, maybe. All around me. Everywhere but my eyes. I said, “Me either.” Chaos climbed off of me then, and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, with his gaze nailed to nothing on the floor, rubbing his hands together. I sat up, real close to him and leaned my cheek against his shoulder. I slipped my arm under his, too, and rested my fingers over his. He told me, “Leer’s going to kill me.” 75

Chaos My head snapped up. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. Chaos turned his face to mine, looked me in the eye, then, and said, “We both wanted you.” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why. But he told me. “You’re the perfect alpha bitch, Tee. You don’t give a shit about anybody but yourself. You’ve got a raging crinos, and a pair of canines that make even the toughest bastards back down.” Each thing he said felt like a kick in the head. A stomp on my heart. His respect was all for my façade? I was such a poser. Before he could say any more, I said, “You already fucked me, Chaos. No flattery required. You want me to step up? I’ll step up.” What I was really saying, was Tear my heart out a little more, you bastard. I’ll step up for the all-out bitch back-attack right now. I hope someone rips my throat out tomorrow. No. Tonight. Once an alpha male settled on a mate, the bitch fights would break out big-time. Everyone would want to show him how much better than me they were. It was a real turn-on for the males, and guaranteed to make him look even bigger when all the bitches started their catfights. You’d think it would all be going on before he picked somebody. But no, it doesn’t work that way. As long as we’re equals, it’s all cool, just fun. Does that make sense? My death wish was back on. I asked, “Why don’t I change clothes and you can see just how bitchy I can 76

Carys Weldon be?” I was feeling bitchy. He surprised me, though, by saying, “I hate this.” “Yeah. You and me both.” I got up, stripped. There was no tease to it. No taunt. No…you want some of this? At my closet, I stared, ass to him, thinking (while fighting back tears) what do I want to die in? He said, “I don’t want to go out, Tee.” “You don’t want to show me off?” A razor-edged question if ever there was one. I didn’t look back. I knew he was staring into me. “You know,” I said, sniffing, “This, actually, is the answer to all my prayers.” Why he’d been worried about me the night before when certain death was on my horizon, I didn’t stop to fathom. And I was pushing out the honesty of his “I hate you, too.” “Son of a bitch.” I turned to see him lean forward again, running both hands through his hair, grabbing fistfuls. “What?” I put my hands on my hips, kind’ve spread my feet. When he looked up at me, there was a definite soul-wrenching despair there. Like that wasn’t bad enough, he dropped the bottom right out of my heart when he said, “I’m a son of a bitch.” Now, it was Gaia’s honest truth. He was a son of a bitch, in more ways than one, but whatever he was talking about was ripping him up. And I could not read his mind. But whatever was doing it to him brought out my 77

Chaos true feelings for him. I mean, I hesitated, tried to read his expression, tried to read his thoughts, but I didn’t even realize I’d stumbled toward him, and fallen to my knees, until I was there, in front of him, looking up, and putting my hands to his cheeks, asking, “What, Chaos?”

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Carys Weldon

Chapter Twelve

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didn’t stop to think that he might be feeling like he double-crossed me. I mean, you only hurt the ones you love, right? A little desperately, wanting to stop that scaring look of bereavement from marring his handsome face, I started kissing him, telling him over and over again, as I kissed his eyes, his temple, and found his lips, “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” “It’ll be okay.” It was, you know, after that. From that point forward. We realized that we could face anything together. That we could climb up into each other’s arms, if only for a few minutes at a time, and feel like we weren’t alone. So, it doesn’t really matter what came after that. Or what came before. What I’m saying is…we had that. But I’ll tell you how that day panned out, because I climbed up into his arms, then, and I made love to him. To my man. You know, for the first time in my life, I felt like I 79

Chaos belonged somewhere, completely. He needed me. And he was afraid to lose me. That’s why he took so long to make his move. He told me that later. He preferred watching me from afar to worrying about me getting hurt because of him. But you know what pushed him into making a move for me? You think it was the drug thing. The whole deal at the club. But it was Leer. Leer told me once that he knew Chaos would never have let anyone close to him, ever. And he knew he just couldn’t let his brother live like that. A few minutes of true glory, or a lifetime of loneliness. So, you be the judge of Chaos and me, and what we had. I didn’t really care how long we had it, just as long as I felt it once, ya know? Maybe you’ll think it’s sad, that we knew it wouldn’t last for long, but we snatched what we could. But I didn’t look at it like that. And I know Chaos didn’t either. He loved loving. You see, that was really new to him. I mean, I already told you that he cared about people. But really loving, losing himself in somebody, somebody that needed him, too, that was all he was in for. He was all about finding the pinnacle, reaching the top, knowing what it was to have it all. It didn’t matter that he knew Leer would have to go for that too, someday, or that he’d likely be the one to take it away from him. Or that maybe he’d have to be the one to help his brother go for it, too. That was 80

Carys Weldon the future. We were wrapped up in the here and now. Chaos and me, we reveled, we savored. We tasted every drop of pleasure that two people can share. It started with the kissing, got frantic from there, as I pushed his clothes from him, laid him back, and climbed on him, riding him with all the passion I had. It didn’t take long to climax. Like I said, he was all about that. We were both bottling up a lot of frustration. I collapsed on him after we were done, just getting a breather, you know. He started to say something but I put fingers to his lips, and crawled off of him. I went to the bathroom, got a warm cloth and came back, began washing his manhood. It started as a service. You know, to let him know that I was willing to do for him. But, true to form, he was tense, propped himself up on his elbows, and watched. “You don’t have to do that, Tee. Just lay by me.” “I want to.” I did. That’s when he said it. Shocked the hell out of me, mostly because he didn’t have to. But Chaos wasn’t stingy. Once he decided to go for it, he didn’t hold back. He sighed, “Gaia, I love you, Tee.” So, picture that, would ya? I’m seriously applying my attention to cleaning up his masculinity, and he says that. My head pops up, my eyes bulge, and my bottom lip flapped open in a quickly sucked gasp. And he laid his head back, looked up at the ceiling and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He was sorry he said that? 81

Chaos Freaking stupid-ass man. And I’m an even dumber bitch. I just sat there, with my washcloth and hand around his cock, holding on. It took me a few minutes, but I finally said, (with a squeeze,) “You shouldn’t tell a woman you love her, and then apologize.” I squeezed again. “I mean,” I pretended to be busy washing him, but I was more aggressively pumping it than anything. He squeaked, “Hey there.” But he propped himself back up, to look at me again. So, I got his attention like I wanted. I said, “I never would have pegged you for an apologizer.” “No?” His gaze strayed to what I was doing to him. Real carefully, he asked, “What would you have pegged me for?” “A player. Everybody knows the great Chaos is a player.” Don’t think his body wasn’t reacting to every bit of attention I was giving it. The blood was flowing— through both of us—I can promise you that. And we were both pooling somewhere between our thighs. He chuckled. “The great Chaos, huh?” He dropped back again. “If only the world knew how that was.” I stopped what I was doing, set the wash cloth aside, and leaned up, letting my breasts cradle his equipment. Half leaning over him, I asked, “What do you mean?” Shaking his head, he contemplated the swirly pattern in my ceiling panels. “Nothing. Only, I’m not that great.” So, a silence stretched between us again, and I sat there, thinking…how can he not know what a 82

Carys Weldon mountain he is? I mean, his freaking cock was a legend in its own right. He was the youngest alpha Pack City had ever had. And…. I bit my lower lip. Yeah, there was more silence. He wasn’t expecting me to refute it. I know that. I think he was evaluating what he’d done to get where he was, or something. Here was one of those defining moments. You know, when you really have to step up. When you have to open up. Part of me wanted to do the obvious, and just argue the point. I’m an argumentative bitch; that would have come real easy for me. In fact, I opened my mouth to say the words, “No. You’re wrong—” but they stuttered on my tongue before even one syllable could get out. Instead, I put my forehead to him, closed my eyes, and kissed. Yes, his manhood. It was a reverent thing. It was also followed by a sigh, and another kiss. And a whispered, “I love you, Chaos. To me, you’re everything.”

THE END

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About the Author

C

arys Weldon writes her horrific romance from a haunted hollow in the Missouri Ozarks. A rebel at heart, with a respectable façade, she wonders…what would happen if we mixed things up a bit? She loves fantasy, because you can without harming anyone. A wife, a mother, she encourages her own family to have fun with their imagination. And to you, her readers? She says, “My imagination is running enough for all of us. I hope you enjoy it!”