Daybreak

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DAYBREAK

Keira Andrews

www.loose-id.com

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Warning

This e-book contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language and may be considered offensive to some readers. Loose Id® e-books are for sale to adults ONLY, as defined by the laws of the country in which you made your purchase. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers.

Daybreak Keira Andrews

This e-book is a work of fiction. While reference might be made to actual historical events or existing locations, the names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Published by Loose Id LLC 870 Market St, Suite 1201 San Francisco CA 94102-2907 www.loose-id.com

Copyright © December 2008 by Keira Andrews All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this e-book may be reproduced or shared in any form, including, but not limited to printing, photocopying, faxing, or emailing without prior written permission from Loose Id LLC.

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ISBN 978-1-59632-809-9 Available in Adobe PDF, HTML, MobiPocket, and MS Reader

Printed in the United States of America

Editor: Crystal Esau Cover Artist: April Martinez Chapter One

A blazing waft of hot air battered Lucas McKenzie as he descended the stairs to the subway platform, and he had to resist the urge to turn around and find an air-conditioned cab. New York City was in the midst of an August heat wave, and although it was hot as Hades on the street, down in the subway it was an absolute oven. Lucas dropped his shopping bags and paced back and forth a few feet on the platform, staring down the tunnel every few seconds, hoping to see the approaching light. Sweat dripped down his forehead, and he checked his watch for the umpteenth time. He needed to get home. Home. It was still surreal to think of New York that way; it didn’t quite feel like home yet. He’d been living in the city for two months in a tiny apartment in Greenwich Village and had transferred to NYU. He’d taken almost all science and math courses in his first year at Brookfield, and now he was basically back to square one. Lucas knew he didn’t want to be a doctor, but he still had no idea what he did want to be. Right now, the only thing he didn’t want to be was late. Lucas ran a hand through his sweat-damp blond hair and sighed loudly. He’d gone to Brooklyn to pick up a few things at Target, and if the subway didn’t come soon, he wouldn’t make it back to the Village in time. Waiting for the subway was bad enough under normal circumstances, but in a hundred and ten degree heat and running late, it was excruciating. Just as he thought he might melt, a faint glow appeared at the end of the tunnel. Lucas prayed the subway would be air-conditioned, and thankfully a cold blast of air greeted him as the doors swooshed open. Lucas sat beside a wilting woman whose blouse was dotted with sweat stains. He shuddered to think of what he looked like himself and checked the time again. He’d been planning to have a shower and clean the apartment before they arrived, but the trip to Brooklyn had taken longer than he’d anticipated. He

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was still getting used to the rhythms of the city. Finally he reached the West Fourth Street station. As he climbed the stairs, the handles of the plastic shopping bags were slick in his hands and he wished the crowd would move faster. Outside, Lucas took in a long, grateful breath. Compared to the heat of the subway platforms, the air on the street seemed positively cool. Of course, it didn’t take long for the stench of garbage to settle in, and Lucas hurried home past the Saturday shoppers and dog walkers. When he rounded the corner onto his street, his heart momentarily sank. A rental van was pulled up halfway onto the sidewalk in front of his building, which meant he was indeed late. Then Nate Kramer walked around the other side of the van, and Lucas’s concerns melted away. His heart pounded at the sight of Nate. It had been two months, and Nate looked just as gorgeous as he had before going to Europe. His dark, wavy hair was a bit longer than the usual cropped cut, and his skin had a golden hue. His lean muscles and long limbs were toned under his T-shirt and jeans. Lucas somehow resisted the urge to run toward him. Instead, he called over, walking quickly to the van and dropping his bags. “Lucas! How are you? Hope you had a good summer.” Nate’s father appeared and smiled kindly as he shook his hand. Lucas forced himself to focus on Mr. Kramer and tore his eyes away from Nate, who grinned at him. “I’m good, thank you. How was Europe?” “Wonderful, wonderful. Very…European. Saw lots of family and you know, all the things you’re supposed to see. Museums, art, old buildings.” Nate spoke up. “Great to see you again.” He also offered his hand, and Lucas took it, trying not to betray the bolt of electricity that coursed through his body and shot straight to his dick. “Well, you’ll be seeing lots of Lucas now, won’t you, dear?” They all turned as Nate’s mother approached from the front of the van. She smiled, but Lucas was sure he could detect some strain. He waved awkwardly. “Hi, Mrs. Kramer.” She softened and moved toward him. “Come here and give me a hug, young man.” Lucas obediently opened his arms and grasped her briefly, conscious of his sweaty clothes. She kissed his cheek. “It’s lovely to see you. I expect you both for dinner next weekend.” “Mom. I told you we’d visit, okay? Would you lay off?” “I’m simply extending the invitation to Lucas, Nathaniel.” Nate snorted. “Invitation? More like direct order.” Lucas quickly intervened. “I’d love to come for dinner. I look forward to it, Mrs. Kramer.” She smiled at him. “Now that Samuel’s moved out with that…young woman,” she said as her face momentarily pinched with distaste, “you really could have taken his room, Lucas.”

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“Mom. We’ve gone over this. It’s time for me to move out, and Lucas needs a roommate.” Nate’s patience with his mother appeared thin after spending the summer with her. Lucas concentrated on keeping his face passive so he didn’t betray his excitement. He couldn’t believe it was actually happening. After the bliss of spring break, alone in Lucas’s dorm room at Brookfield, they’d had to make do with months of late-night phone calls and furtive sex in Nate’s room at Passover and during a few other weekend visits. But now they’d have their own place, where they could be together all the time. It was going to be perfect. “I just don’t understand why both of you can’t stay at the house. Why waste money on rent?” She gazed at the brown, ten-story building. “No balcony, no air-conditioning. It’s just so --” “Deanna, they’re students! Don’t you remember being young?” Nate’s father smiled at her affectionately. “Come on, it’s too hot to stand around arguing.” He opened the back of the cube van and began lifting boxes out. Mrs. Kramer patted Nate on the cheek. “Well, at least you’ll be closer to the library. Don’t start fooling around now that you’re not at home. You’ll have to fill out your law school applications before you know it.” Lucas coughed to hide his squeak of surprise, and Nate steadfastly avoided his gaze. Law school? Hadn’t Nate told his mother he’d transferred to NYU’s Tisch School for photography? Or had he actually stayed enrolled in his prelaw classes? Lucas heaved a box into his arms and carried it into the waiting elevator. He kept his head down as he went back and forth to the van, suddenly anxious as the fears he’d tried to quell all summer boiled up. Nate had spent two months in Europe, which was filled with hot guys who were a hell of a lot more exciting than Lucas. Did Nate have other secrets? When the elevator was half-full, Nate tugged Lucas’s arm and called to his parents. “We’ll take this load up and be back down in a minute. Take a break, Dad.” Lucas turned the elevator key and pressed the button for the seventh floor as he wiped the sweat from his forehead, grimacing. Ugh, he was a mess. European guys probably never looked like this. “There’s not that much left. Why don’t we just get it all done in one trip?” As the elevator door closed with a thunk, Nate pushed Lucas against the wall. He stared intently, his fingers skimming over Lucas’s face. “Because I couldn’t wait another fucking second to kiss you.” Then he did, and Lucas opened his mouth with a moan, reveling at the sensation of Nate’s tongue sliding inside. It had been so long, and he’d almost forgotten how good it was. Almost. Nate reached out and turned the service key for the elevator, which clanged to a halt between floors. His hands roamed under Lucas’s sticky T-shirt as they kissed desperately, only stopping to suck in air before tasting each other again. Lucas’s insecurities and nagging questions evaporated into the muggy air as he held Nate close. Grabbing Nate’s ass, he ground their cocks together. They were both hard, and they groaned at the

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contact, even through layers of material. “Oh God, I wanna fuck you,” Nate muttered, his hands everywhere, his teeth sharp on Lucas’s neck. “It’s been so long. I’ve thought about this every night for months. And every morning.” He kissed Lucas again before breathing deeply. “Some afternoons too. A few evenings.” Lucas laughed and his chest swelled with joy and love. Wrapping his leg around Nate’s hip, Lucas increased the sweet pressure. They were only dry humping, but his balls tingled and he knew he wouldn’t last. Nate pressed him against the wall, thrusting his hips. They both dripped with sweat now in the small confines of the elevator, and they moved against each other frantically, kissing. Then Nate stopped and shuddered, moaning softly as his body jerked against Lucas. After a moment, he dropped to his knees, yanking at the button and zipper on Lucas’s shorts. Nate only had a chance to suck him deeply into his mouth before Lucas came, fingers tangled in Nate’s curls. Nate swallowed every drop before Lucas slid down to the floor as well, barely squeezing in beside the stack of boxes. He kissed Nate, tasting himself on Nate’s lips and tongue. “I missed you,” Lucas whispered, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m not sure if I was clear, but I missed you too.” Nate sat back on his heels. “Guess we should finish moving me in so we can send my parents on their way.” “Huh? Oh, right.” Lucas had almost forgotten. He smiled wickedly. “What will we do with ourselves once they’re gone?” Nate smirked. “Hmm. Nothing springs to mind, but I’m sure we’ll come up with something.” He glanced down. “Got a pair of shorts I can borrow? I’ll tell my parents I was too hot.” He waggled his eyebrows. “I’m sure you agree.” Laughing, Lucas kissed him again and they struggled to their feet in the cramped space. Giddy with happiness, he turned the key, and the elevator lurched into life, continuing upward. ***** From just inside the doorway, Mrs. Kramer surveyed the studio apartment, which now appeared even smaller thanks to the arrival of Nate’s belongings. “Well, it’s…cozy.” Lucas shimmied between some boxes and the left-hand wall and made it into the kitchen, which was separated from the living room only by an island counter. “Does anyone want a drink? Water? Iced tea?” “No, dear, we really can’t stay,” Mrs. Kramer replied. She looked to the immediate right at the bedroom, which was really more of a nook behind a half wall, barely big enough for the double bed Lucas had bought. “Nathaniel, are you really going to be comfortable sleeping on that old thing?” She waved her hand at the futon against the main wall in the living room, just past the entryway that barely separated the bed and bathroom from the rest of the place. “Yeah, Mom. I told you, it’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s really comfortable.” In truth, it was hard as rock, which is why Lucas had decorated it with big throw cushions. “Are you sure you don’t want something to drink?” Lucas was eager to change the subject from the sleeping arrangements. He wouldn’t mind telling the Kramers the truth, but he knew Nate emphatically didn’t

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want to. Mr. Kramer spoke up. “Actually, yes. I’ll have a glass of water. Thank you.” Lucas quickly filled a glass and reached out over the boxes, and Nate’s dad took a gulp and turned to his wife. “Sweetheart, we should get going. We’ve got to return the van and the boys need to unpack.” “Oh, I was going to help with that. I’m sure a woman’s touch is sorely needed in this place.” Lucas’s heart sank. He just wanted to be alone with Nate; the elevator had only whetted his appetite. Yet he couldn’t object. He’d painted the walls a pale yellow to brighten up the place, and had slapped up a couple of Monet posters, but they could surely use a decorator. “Mom, it’s cool. Thanks, but I think we’ve got it. Don’t you want to get back to the air-conditioned world?” Nate winked at her. “Yes, come on, Deanna. Boys, we’ll see you soon. Call if you need anything.” Mr. Kramer ushered his wife to the door. She gave Nate a long hug and kissed him tenderly on the forehead before stepping back. “Be good, bubbala .” As soon as the door closed behind them, Lucas exhaled the breath he’d been holding. His eyes met Nate’s across the stacks of boxes, and they grinned. Nate gazed around, taking in the bathroom squeezed in beside the so-called bedroom. “What are we going to do with all thisspace ?” Lucas laughed. “Just wait until you see the east wing. It’s impressive.” His smile faded as his mind returned to the comment Mrs. Kramer made about law school. “So, you didn’t tell your parents about Tisch? Or you didn’t actually transfer? I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with being a lawyer after all.” “No, of course I transferred; I told you I did. I just haven’t told them yet. The tuition check was still for NYU, and they didn’t look at the classes I was taking.” “When are you going to tell them?” Nate shrugged. “I don’t know. When it comes up, I guess.” “Didn’t it just come up? When we were outside?” Laughing, Nate shook his head. “Lucas, I can’t tell my mother news like this at the drop of the hat. I have to wait for the right moment.” Lucas bit his tongue and didn’t bring up the fact that Nate was just in Europe with his parents for two months. “How’s the water pressure?” Nate peeled his T-shirt over his head. Lucas forgot all about school and swallowed hard at the sight of Nate’s lean muscles. “Um, not bad since I bought a new showerhead on Canal Street. I think it’s illegal, but it makes it feel like a shower and not a glorified bath.” He was babbling.

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With a few casual motions, Nate stripped off the rest of his clothes. Even though they’d just gotten off in the elevator, Nate’s cock was rising, jutting up from the thatch of dark hair toward his flat stomach. He nodded toward the bathroom. “You coming?” Lucas nodded. Was heever . Chapter Two

“Where the hell are we going to put all our clothes?” “You mean all ofyour clothes.” Nate chuckled. “Can I help it if I have more in my wardrobe than jeans, T-shirts, and flannel?” Lucas and Nate stood in front of their one and only closet, pondering. The closet was about five feet deep, but with only one rack across the narrow back, using the space effectively was going to be a challenge. “Maybe we should get one of those clothing racks, you know, the ones with wheels.” Lucas had until this point been simply shoving things into the closet in haphazard fashion. “Yeah, that could work. Maybe try and put some hooks up on the walls inside too?” Lucas agreed, walking around the last few boxes to be unpacked and into the kitchen. The kitchen cupboards were bare compared to the rest of their storage space, since he wasn’t a big cook, although he had bought two steaks to celebrate their first night together. He’d even managed to get a bottle of wine from a run-down liquor store that didn’t ask for ID. They’d spent the afternoon unpacking after a very long shower. Lucas smiled to himself as he put the water on to steam some vegetables and began chopping. They’d simply kissed for what seemed like hours, hands roaming over skin, exploring and reacquainting. The odd weekend visit had gotten them through the winter and spring, but with Nate in Europe all summer, Lucas had been desperate for him. He’d reveled in the taste of Nate’s cock in his mouth again after so long apart. He licked his lips as he continued chopping, and his dick twitched at the memory. God, he’d missed Nate. Missed his smile, his voice, his body. His mouth. His hands. Those hands found Lucas’s shoulders as Nate’s lips pressed gently against the back of his neck. “What smells so good?” “That would be water.” Lucas laughed. “Mmm. You spoil me.” In the small space between the island and the counter, Lucas turned to face Nate. They kissed softly. Lucas sighed happily. “I can’t believe you’re finally here. That you really came back.”

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“Why wouldn’t I come back?” Nate regarded him quizzically. “You thought I’d stay in Europe forever?” Maybe. “No, no, of course not. I’m just glad you’re here.” Lucas turned back to the cutting board and picked up a carrot. “Tell me more about the trip.” “It was great. I mean, it was a lot of time with my family, but we saw so many great things. We have to go to Italy one day. You’d love it. The food, the wine, the art, the men. Oh, and the gelato.” Lucas concentrated on slicing the carrot and not his own fingers. “The men?” “Oh yeah, there are some real beauties there.” He stroked Lucas’s hip. “But nothing can compare to home.” “Yeah, right.” Lucas forced out a laugh. He had no illusions that he could compare to Italy’s finest. Nate stood beside him and gently cupped his face. “All the Italian stallions in the world could never be as hot as you.” He kissed him then, tongue slipping inside Lucas’s mouth, stroking softly. The kiss deepened, and Lucas forgot about the carrots, and Italy, and everything as he pulled Nate close. He backed up around the island and out of the kitchen and they sidestepped the remaining boxes, falling back on the bed. Nate’s weight on top of him felt so good, so right. He yanked Nate’s T-shirt over his head and kissed his chest, teeth on Nate’s nipples, making him squirm and moan. The taste of Nate’s salty skin was heady, and Lucas rolled over, his mouth moving over Nate’s body, peeling away clothing as he continued until Nate was naked beneath him. “I need to fuck you. Or you fuck me. Whatever. I need to feel you.” Nate gritted the words out, and his already-hard dick was proof of them. Lucas sat up on his knees and quickly stripped off his clothes. He rooted around in a box he kept on the built-in shelf in the half wall beside the bed that separated it from the rest of the apartment. He found the lube and dropped the tube on Nate’s chest. As he tore open a box of condoms, Nate rubbed the lube between his palms. When Lucas was able to get a condom out of the foil wrapper, he put it on Nate’s waiting cock, unrolling it quickly. Nate stroked himself with one greased hand and the other found Lucas’s hole, which his fingers moved inside roughly. Usually they’d take more time to prepare, but Lucas knew neither of them could wait. He moved over Nate’s dick, maneuvering himself into position. With a loud moan, he slid down and the head of Nate’s cock stretched him painfully. It had been months, and he bit his lip and closed his eyes as he forced himself down the shaft. “Slow down, I don’t want to hurt you.” Nate held Lucas’s hips firmly, stopping his downward movement. Lucas opened his eyes and gazed at his lover. “I want to feel you tomorrow. I want your cock. I need it.” Nate, eyes dark with lust, thrust his hips up, hitting Lucas’s prostate. Lucas cried out as he impaled

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himself fully, the pleasure and pain combining as he rode Nate’s cock. “Oh God, oh God.” In the heat of the apartment, they were both slick with sweat, and the water reached a boil on the stove, the lid of the pot rattling as steam made its escape. Lucas squeezed his ass as he bucked up and down. His own dick was hard as rock, and Nate reached out for it, stroking and grasping. Lucas rode him faster, sweat flying off his forehead as a sense of abandon came over him, a complete lack of inhibition as he slammed down on Nate’s cock over and over again, making two bodies one. “I love your ass. You’re so tight, oh God,” Nate muttered, and he squeezed Lucas’s dick, his thumb flicking over the head. Suddenly Lucas came in a rush, spraying Nate and his own stomach as he clamped down on Nate’s cock. Nate thrust upward, head tilted back and eyes closed as he shuddered his release. Lucas flopped down on Nate’s chest as Nate slid out of him. They breathed heavily, their bodies a wet and sticky mess. In the kitchen, the pot clattered angrily, boiling water evaporating as the minutes ticked by. Nate lightly ran his fingers up Lucas’s spine and kissed his cheek. For the first time in their tiny apartment in Greenwich Village, Lucas knew he was home. ***** “Dude!” Lucas had barely stepped inside the Kramers’ foyer when he was tugged into a back-slapping hug by Nate’s brother, Sam. Sam clapped him on the shoulder. “Did ya miss me?” Strangely enough, Lucas did. Well, a bit. “Yeah, man. How’s it going?” Sam was looking finely chiseled and handsome, as per the usual. “Can’t complain, can’t complain.” He stepped aside and motioned to a young, beautiful brunette woman in the archway to the living room. “This is Amanda.” “Hi, nice to meet you.” Lucas shook her manicured hand. “You too.” Amanda smiled, her teeth perfectly white and straight. “Lucas here was my roomie in college. Now he’s downgraded to my geeky little brother.” Sam punctuated the sentence by punching Nate, who had been silently observing in the doorway, in the shoulder. “Hi, Sam.” Nate’s tone was long-suffering. He nodded to Amanda. “Hey.” “Hi, Nate. So nice to see you again!” Amanda pressed shimmering lips to Nate’s cheek. As she moved past Lucas, he caught a waft of what smelled like strawberries. Possibly passion fruit. “Why is everyone lurking out here? Come inside.” Mrs. Kramer appeared and ushered them into the living room. They made small talk and listened to Sam talk about Amanda’s apartment in Brooklyn, where they were now living. Mrs. Kramer’s smile was stretched very tightly. Sam had a brand-new job as a salesman at his uncle’s software company, and Lucas knew he’d be successful. When he turned on

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the charm, he was a force of nature. At dinner, Amanda told them about her job in marketing for a cosmetics company. She was funny and sweet, and Lucas hoped Sam wouldn’t screw it up. Sam didn’t have a very long attention span in Lucas’s experience, and he’d moved in with Amanda awfully quickly considering they’d only met on vacation in France two months ago. Then again, with the long-distance aspect, he and Nate had only spent a few weeks together in person over the past eight months, and they’d already moved in together. So he wasn’t really in a position to judge. Lucas hoped Mrs. Kramer’s strained smiles weren’t evident to Amanda. However, Mr. Kramer seemed delighted with her, and he also asked Lucas a lot of questions about school and the new classes he was taking. Lucas wondered what would happen if Mr. Kramer asked Nate the same questions, but he didn’t. After dinner, Lucas helped clear the table and walked into a tense conversation in the kitchen. “Mom, what’s wrong with Amanda? She seems like a nice girl. If she’s willing to put up with Sam, you should be grateful,” Nate said. “What’s that supposed to mean? And there’s nothingwrong with her. I mean, aside from the obvious.” Mrs. Kramer poured the tea into waiting cups. “And that would be?” Nate waited with an arched eyebrow. Lucas hovered near the stove, empty serving platters in his hands. “Nathaniel. Stop pestering me and get the cookies out.” “Come on, Mom. Is it because she’s a” -- he paused to gasp theatrically -- “ashiksa ?” Mrs. Kramer stirred sugar into one of the cups vigorously. “Don’t be silly.” “Oh, please, Mom. Who do you think you’re kidding?” She eyed him speculatively. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately. You never used to speak to me like this. You’re different these days.” Nate didn’t used to say much at all around his family, and Lucas realized he had indeed been more outgoing around them. Yet now Nate dropped his head and shrugged mutely, easily slipping back into a passive role. His mother huffed. “Well, what if they get married? What then? What about the children?” “I think you’re jumping the gun just a bit, Deanna.” Mr. Kramer, carrying plates into the kitchen, was the voice of reason, as always. Lucas found himself speaking before he could think. “I’m not Jewish, and it doesn’t bother you, does it?” Mrs. Kramer let out a peal of laughter. “Of course not, Lucas. But you’re not dating Nate!”

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Lucas forced the air into his lungs so he could bark out an awkward laugh, and his mouth formed a frozen smile. He didn’t have to look at Nate to sense the waves of tension coming off him, and he glanced at Mr. Kramer, hoping he was laughing along with his wife. However, he had turned away and was putting leftovers in the fridge. Nate shook his head as they went back to finish clearing the table. “Smooth,” he whispered, and Lucas’s face burned. After a game of Scrabble, which Amanda won -- earning an appraising and genuine smile from Mrs. Kramer -- Sam and Mr. Kramer turned on a baseball game. Nate rolled his eyes and checked his watch. “Dad, remember you’ve got to drive us to the ferry soon. Don’t get too invested.” “Dude, we can drive you guys home.” Sam didn’t look away from the TV as he spoke. “You’ve got to check out my ride.” As a graduation present, the Kramers had given Sam his own car -- a Mazda RX-8. “Don’t worry about it. It’s totally out of your way. We’ll just take the ferry,” Nate replied. “Next time.” Sam shrugged. “Suit yourself, loser.” “Sam!” Amanda fixed him with a disapproving gaze. “That’s not a very nice thing to call your brother.” Amazingly enough, Sam actually appeared abashed. Lucas and Nate looked at each other with raised eyebrows, and Lucas thought that Amanda might turn out to be a very good influence on Nate’s brother. As the evening wore on, Lucas tried to pay attention to the game as Nate flipped through a magazine. Lucas thought about Nate’s old room upstairs, where they’d first met last December. Where they’d done a lot of things for the first time. His dick twitched simply at the thought, and he coughed and refocused on the TV. He would have loved to find an excuse to sneak away upstairs with Nate, but he couldn’t think of one. It was amazing how comfortable he felt in the Kramers’ home. Sitting on the couch and watching a ball game seemed natural and right. He still missed his father desperately sometimes, but Nate’s family was a very welcome addition to his life. On the ferry back to Manhattan, Lucas watched the lights of the city in the distance, a sight he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of. He and Nate stood close together, leaning against the railing. The deck was crowded in the early September heat, so Lucas reluctantly kept his hands to himself. After being in the Kramers’ home and remembering the nights he and Nate had spent together during the holidays, Lucas was horny as hell. “Sorry about before. In the kitchen.” Nate shook his head, laughing. “Don’t worry; my parents are so clueless that they wouldn’t believe you if you came right and told them you are dating me.” “So, if Amanda is a shiksa, what does that make me?” Nate laughed. “Asheygetz .” He put on a mock serious face. “You’re unclean, Lucas.” “That must be why I want to suck your cock really badly right now.”

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Nate’s eyes flared, and after a quick glance around, he tugged on Lucas’s hand. Leading the way, Nate navigated the interior of the ferry until they were closing the door of the handicapped bathroom behind them. Nate flicked the lock and leaned against the door as he undid his shorts. He arched his eyebrow. “Your wish is my command.” Dropping to his knees, Lucas didn’t care about the gross linoleum floor or the stale air. Nate’s musky scent filled his senses as he opened his mouth and sucked Nate’s growing cock into his throat. Nate’s fingers wove through his hair, and he made little sounds of pleasure as Lucas went to work with his tongue. “Oh, God, yes,” Nate muttered. “I love your mouth. Better than anyone else.” Lucas sucked him even deeper, breathing through his nose and humming low in his throat as he caressed Nate’s balls. He loved it when Nate talked while he was blowing him. “Yeah, like that. Don’t stop.” When Nate came, he staggered, and Lucas fell back on his ass as Nate spurted on Lucas’s face, hitting him in the eye. He laughed as he swiped at it, and Nate hauled him to his feet. “Shit, sorry.” Leaning close, Nate licked Lucas’s cheek. As Nate cleaned his face and tasted himself, he undid Lucas’s pants and reached in for his hard dick. Jerking him with practiced movements, Nate kissed him, and Lucas came quickly. Pulling his sticky hand out of Lucas’s pants, Nate held it up to Lucas. Hesitating for just a second, Lucas opened his mouth and sucked Nate’s fingers one by one. Nate watched with heavy-lidded eyes, and then they were kissing again, bodies pressed close. They almost missed the stop in Manhattan, but Lucas thought it would have been worth it to go to Staten Island and back again. Chapter Three

Lucas sped through the corridor, glancing at his wrist again as if he hoped his watch would tell him he wasn’t actually fifteen minutes late for his very first lecture at NYU. The campus at Brookfield hadn’t been nearly as confusing, and he’d gotten a late start to the morning thanks to Nate. And his talented mouth. Despite his hurry, Lucas smiled at the memory of waking up so pleasurably. He rounded a corner and skidded to a halt in from of room 212. Through the small window in the door, he could see the professor speaking to the class. “Of course, the door has to be at the front of the room,” Lucas muttered to himself. He took a deep breath and twisted the handle. The professor paused briefly before continuing with his train of thought. Something about Faulkner and his role in twentieth-century American literature. Lucas quickly scanned the classroom, which was both huge and filled to the brim. As he searched the rows of students, desperation uncoiled in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t just stand here in limbo at the front of the room, so Lucas picked the aisle closest to the wall and started walking up.

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Just when he thought he’d have to sit on the floor, which would have been fine since he’d be out of sight of the many eyes he could feel on him, a small wave got his attention. A guy with dirty blond hair pointed to the empty chair beside him, which Lucas hadn’t initially spotted. With murmured apologies, Lucas squeezed into the row, sucking in his stomach as he edged behind chairs to get to the empty one. Finally, after scraping his chair loudly across the floor, he was sitting. His heart beat overtime, and he didn’t have to look in a mirror to know that his face was beet red. A piece of paper slid his way. “Here’s the syllabus.” Lucas’s savior was a young man about his age with big blue eyes and a muscular build under his T-shirt. Parts of his short hair were swept up into a kind of faux-hawk. “Thanks,” Lucas whispered back. He examined the reading list and was happy to find a book he’d already read, Hemingway’sIn Our Time . For the rest of the lecture, which was really just an overview of the syllabus, Lucas scribbled notes and hoped the professor wouldn’t be able to connect his name to the face of the student who’d disrupted the first class. After they were dismissed, the helpful student turned to Lucas. “I’m Casey.” Lucas shook his hand gratefully. “Lucas. Thanks for rescuing me there.” Casey grinned, and dimples creased his cheeks. “No problem. You wanna photocopy my syllabus so you don’t have to ask the prof for one?” “Absolutely. Thanks again.” “Come on, let’s go to the library.” They joined the crush of students leaving the lecture hall. Once they were in the corridor, Lucas unsuccessfully tried to figure out which way the library was. “Um, I have no idea where we’re going.” “Come on, I’ll show you.” Casey smiled and pointed in the right direction. “You a freshman?” “Technically I should be a sophomore, but I just transferred here and I’m changing majors, so yeah, I guess I am.” “Where were you before?” “Upstate at Brookfield. I was doing premed, but it’s really not for me. You’re an English major?” Lucas weaved around a group of girls chattering in the doorway and they walked out onto the grounds. “Me? Nah, I’m taking kinesiology. I’m already a personal trainer and I want to open my own gym someday. I just take a few arts classes as electives. Figured twentieth-century lit wouldn’t be too hard. I mean, at least the books are inour English and not Shakespearean stuff.” A Frisbee whizzed by and someone shouted an apology as Lucas and Casey continued across the quad. “Yeah, I hear you. At least I understand Shakespeare, unlike Chaucer.”

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“Is English going to be your major?” The million-dollar question. “I wish I knew. Maybe. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.” “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. You going to take a bunch of stuff until you do?” “That’s the plan, such as it is. What year are you in?” “Junior. Two more years and I’m free.” The library was teeming with students, and Lucas had to line up for the photocopier. Casey checked his watch. “Hey, I’ve gotta jet for my next class. You can just give me my copy back on Thursday.” “Are you sure? You don’t need to buy your books?” “Nah, there’s a party at one of the frats tonight. You coming?” “I don’t think so. But have fun.” “Cool, man.” He smiled and waved. “See you soon.” As Lucas waited for his turn, he smiled to himself. First day and he’d already made a friend. He was off to a good start. ***** Lucas took a deep breath as he plodded up the stairs. The elevator was out -- again -- and sweat dripped into his eyes.Ugh . His backpack was a leaden weight hanging from his shoulders, and he thought, not for the first time, that he really needed to go to the gym. A fast metabolism kept him slim, but he got winded far too easily. Stifling, stale air greeted him in the apartment. Nate sat on the futon, leaning over the camera on his lap and muttering to himself. He wore the glasses he needed for reading, the black frames sliding down his nose. “Hey, Nate. How was the first day?” Despite the painful trudge up seven flights, Lucas was still feeling cheerful after finding his other class on time and meeting Casey. “Don’t ask.” “Why, what happened?” Nate didn’t look up from his camera. “What happened is that I realized I have a hell of a lot to learn about photography.” “Well, that’s why you’re going to school, right?” Lucas kept his tone light. He didn’t want to argue, and he didn’t want Nate brooding all night either. “I’m twenty-two, and I feel as if I’m starting all over again.” “You’re not the only one starting over.”

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Nate didn’t reply, and Lucas fought off a surge of irritation. He stripped off his sticky clothes and hopped into the shower, the water cool and refreshing. He stayed in for longer than usual, hoping Nate would be in a better mood when he got out. With his towel wrapped around his waist, Lucas lay down on the bed, knowing he was getting the sheets damp, but not particularly caring. He shut his eyes, and a few minutes later, the mattress dipped. Nate’s soft lips pressed against his throat. “Sorry. I’m being a douchebag. How was your first day?” Lucas didn’t open his eyes, and he sighed contentedly as Nate began rubbing his chest lightly. “It was good.” He thought of more to say, but as Nate’s fingers started to drift lower, he lost his train of thought. “Roll over.” Lucas did, his towel coming undone as he shifted his body. Nate traced a light pattern on the back of Lucas’s thighs, which spread seemingly of their own accord. His cock was getting hard beneath him, and Lucas rubbed himself against the sheets. Nate’s tongue marked a path down Lucas’s spine, and he quivered. Nate stopped just short of Lucas’s ass, and Lucas couldn’t stop the whine that escaped his lips. He felt a puff of air against his skin as Nate chuckled. “You want something?” “Yes.” Lucas wiggled his ass, and Nate slapped it playfully. Then his body covered Lucas, and his voice was in his ear. His fingers dipped into the crack of Lucas’s ass, teasing lightly, barely skimming over his hole. “Tell me what you want.” Lucas didn’t answer, moaning as Nate’s fingertip slid inside him. “Tell me, Lucas.” “I want…you know.” He felt stupidly embarrassed to say it out loud. “You want me to…what?” Nate pulled Lucas’s earlobe between his teeth. “Please, just do it.” He could hear the smile in Nate’s voice. “Do what? Rim you?” “Yes, yes, yes.” “You want me to stick my tongue in your hot little ass?” Lucas ground himself into the mattress. “Jesus, yes.Please . Stick your tongue in my ass.” “Why didn’t you say so?” The only response Lucas made was a loud moan as Nate buried his face in his ass, opening his cheeks wide as he kissed and licked Lucas’s hole. Lucas marveled at the strength in Nate’s tongue as he fucked

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him with it, going deep and sending off shockwaves of bliss. His cock was hard and leaking, and Lucas came in a sudden rush, his voice muffled in the mattress as he cried out. Nate nestled close, resting his head on Lucas’s back. Lucas felt the bed shake as Nate began stroking himself, his breath coming faster against Lucas’s skin. Rolling over, Lucas pushed Nate onto his back before ducking his head and swallowing Nate’s cock. Twisting his hand tightly around the base, Lucas bobbed up and down, his lips stretched tightly over Nate’s hard flesh. Nate’s hips bucked up and he moaned Lucas’s name loudly. As he came, Lucas swallowed hungrily, milking Nate dry. God, how he’d missed the taste of his lover. Nate stroked Lucas’s hair and pulled him up into a deep kiss. In a tangle, they both drifted off to sleep as the late-afternoon sun brightened the apartment. ***** As Lucas spit toothpaste into the sink, there was a knock at the door. He poked his head out of the bathroom and Nate looked at him from the kitchen, both puzzled since it was past eleven o’clock. Shrugging, Nate went to open the door. With a burst of energy, Sam barreled into the apartment. Neither Nate nor Lucas had a chance to even get a word out before Sam flopped onto the futon and launched into a monologue. “Oh my God, you will not believe how retarded Mandy’s being. I mean, okay, so I went out both nights last weekend with the guys. So what? It’s not like I don’t see her. I see her every day! She has her own friends too. Why do we have to, like, go on some special date every weekend? I don’t get women. I mean, Iget them” -- he paused to chuckle suggestively to himself -- “but I don’t get them, you know?” Nate and Lucas were both silent, waiting to see if Sam was done. He looked up at them expectantly. Lucas cleared his throat. “Um, sorry to hear it.” “You ever have a girlfriend, Lucas? I know doofus hasn’t.” Sam waved his hand, indicating Nate. Lucas and Nate shared a look as Lucas considered how to answer. “Yeah, a long time ago. Sorry, I won’t be much help.” “They’re just so complicated. And I know we haven’t known each other long, but usually we get along so great. I couldn’t stand living at home anymore.” “Okay, so what are you doing here? Go patch things up with her.” Nate stood with arms crossed. “Bro, I just need to crash for tonight.” Nate barked out a laugh. “Are you kidding me?” He glanced around. “Where, exactly?” “I don’t know. I can sleep with you in the bed, or something. Come on, man. I can’t go home to Mom and Dad. Mom’ll have a field day. I’ll smooth it all over tomorrow with Mandy.” “Well, he’s right about your mom,” Lucas said, earning a black look from Nate.

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Nate shook his head, sighing. “Fine. Just for tonight. Just this once.” Shooting up off the futon, Sam yanked Nate into a hug. “Awesome, dude.” He went to the fridge and popped the top off a bottle of beer. “So, you guys wanna watch TV?” Lucas and Nate looked at each other with resignation and settled down as best they could on the futon. An hour later, Lucas stretched out on it, trying to get comfortable as he listened to Nate and Sam bicker over space in the bed. “Hello, I’d like to have some of the duvet.” Nate’s tone was acidic. “You’ve got plenty!” Lucas reached over and turned the fan on the coffee table up another notch to try and drown out the brothers. He tossed and turned for what seemed like forever before finally falling asleep. He woke to the sounds of crunching, and opened his eyes to see Sam perched on the edge of the futon by Lucas’s feet, eating a bowl of Cheerios. Lucas blinked and rubbed his face. He registered the sound of the shower running. Sam spoke through a mouthful of cereal. “Mornin’.” “Hey.” “Man, how does my brother sleep on this thing every night?” Sam fidgeted. “It’s like cement.” Lucas arched his back. “Tell me about it.” “Hey, dude?” Sam munched, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Uh-oh. “Huh?” “I mean, you’re a good-looking guy. I know at Brookfield you must have been, like, sad about your dad and everything. But Mandy’s got some hot friends if you want me to hook you up.” Lucas desperately tried to think of a response. “Uh…thanks for the offer, but actually, I already met someone.” “Oh yeah?” Sam wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Cool, what’s her name?” “Veronica.” Lucas had never met a Veronica, but he dugVeronica Mars , so it was good enough. “Is she hot?” “Totally.” “Big tits?” Sam leered and slurped up the last of the milk in his bowl. “No, but she’s gorgeous. And really smart.”

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“Smart’s good.” Sam got up and dumped his bowl and spoon in the sink. “I wouldn’t say this to most people, but tits get kind of boring after a while if a girl doesn’t have anything to say, you know?” “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.” Sometimes Sam surprised him. Not often, but sometimes. “Thanks, dude.” Sam stretched his arms over his head and yawned widely. “I’ve gotta go to Mandy’s and change for work.” “I’d stop by the flower market on your way.” Sam had better make up with Amanda, because Lucas couldn’t take another night on the futon. “Good call. Thanks for having my back, buddy.” “Anytime.” “Later, bro!” Sam yelled in the direction of the bathroom. Then he was gone, and Lucas crawled gratefully into his own bed. Maybe he’d skip sociology class that morning, just once. A few minutes later, a wet Nate joined him on the bed. “Thank God he left.” “He’s not so bad.” Lucas felt an odd surge of protectiveness. Sam meant well most of the time. Nate snorted. “You didn’t have to grow up with him. You don’t have his knuckle marks permanently etched in your skull thanks to all the noogies he gave you.” “Okay, you have a good point.” Lucas reached out and stroked Nate’s short curls. He’d cut his hair again once school had started. “You ever think about telling him?” “What, about me? About us?” “Yeah. That way we wouldn’t have to pretend with him, at least.” “Yeah, we wouldn’t have to because he’d never talk to us again.” Lucas’s hand stilled. “You think so? Really?” “He’d totally freak if he knew the truth. Come on, you know his type. Meathead jock. He and his friends aren’t exactly PFLAG members.” “He might surprise you.” Nate stared at the ceiling. “If he doesn’t, then he’ll tell Mom and Dad and…” “And what? Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe they’ll accept it. Accept you. Us.” Nate shook his head, and Lucas went on. “I wish I’d told my dad before he died. He never really knew me, in a way.” Nate stroked Lucas’s cheek with the back of his fingers and watched him with sad eyes. “I know. It’s different with my family, though.” “Why?”

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“It just is,libn .” “What does that mean?” Nate didn’t answer, but kissed Lucas softly and rolled on top of him. He was wet from the shower, but as his tongue stroked the inside of Lucas’s mouth and his hands moved lower, Lucas found he didn’t mind. He was definitely skipping class. Chapter Four

As the lecture hall filled up, Lucas watched the students filing in, waiting to spot Casey. It was a few weeks into classes, and they always sat together in twentieth-century lit. Lucas looked forward to seeing him; it was nice to have a friend at school, since he and Nate rarely crossed paths during the day. Finally, just as the professor took his spot at the front of the room, Casey bounded up the stairs and plopped down in the chair Lucas had saved for him. Casey grinned, his dimples showing. “Thanks, man.” The lecture began, and Lucas diligently took notes as the professor instructed on the history of the early part of the twentieth century and its impact on literature. Lucas was also taking an English historical survey class that started withBeowulf , and it was nice to hear a lecture on a century he was at least familiar with. After class, he and Casey walked outside together. The summer was hanging on late in September, and Lucas was actually looking forward to some fall weather. “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?” Casey asked. “Nothing big. Doing some reading, I guess.”Having mind-blowing sex with Nate. Never getting out of bed . “One of the frats is having a blowout. You should come.” “It’s not really my scene.” “Well, if you change your mind, it’s over at Zeta Psi.” Casey checked his watch. “You feel like an ice cream? When’s your next class?” “Not for an hour. Sure, is there anything around here?” “Follow me.” Casey led the way through Washington Square Park to an ice-cream truck, its bell ringing merrily. Lucas went for a chocolate dip while Casey chose a vanilla/chocolate swirl. They sat on a bench in the park, which was swarming with activity. Students laughed and talked in groups, older men studied chessboards closely, and dog walkers followed their furry companions.

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“I love this city.” Lucas took a long lick of his cone. “Where are you from?” “All over the place. My dad moved around a lot. The Midwest, Michigan. Nowhere as big or cool as New York, that’s for sure.” “Where’s he living now?” Lucas felt a familiar tightening in his chest, although the pang wasn’t nearly as strong as it once was. “He died. Cancer.” “Shit, I’m sorry.” Casey’s ever-present smile was gone. “No, no, it’s okay.” Lucas took a big lick of his ice cream. “Oh, you’ve got…” Casey pointed to Lucas’s cheek. “On the left.” Lucas swiped at his face and Casey smiled. “No, my left. Your right.” Lucas tried again to wipe off the errant bit of chocolate and they both wound up laughing, as Casey reached over to brush his cheek. “Lucas?” Nate stood about ten feet away, watching with an unreadable expression. Lucas wiped at his face again, knocking Casey’s hand away before standing. He felt strangely as if he’d been caught doing something wrong. “Hey! Casey, this is…” Suddenly Lucas was struck with a moment of unease. What would Casey say if he knew Lucas was gay? Would he still want to be friends? Lucas realized in that moment that aside from Nate, he’d never told anyone else the truth. Nate’s friends obviously knew, but it wasn’t as if he’d come out to them. Showing up at a gay club holding hands with Nate had done the trick. Now as Casey stood waiting for Lucas to finish his sentence, Lucas was nervous. He didn’t want to lose his only friend. Marching forward, Nate smiled coolly and extended his hand. “I’m Nate. Lucas’sboyfriend .” He and Casey shook hands. “Hey, nice to meet you.” Casey smiled. “Well, I should get going. Lucas, see you in class next week. And hey, remember what I said about this weekend. Later.” Lucas gave him a wave. Well, he seemed okay with the gay thing, at least. Lucas turned to Nate, who was no longer smiling. “Got a hot date?” “What?” Did Nate really think he’d do that? “Casey’s a friend from English class. He just told me about some frat party. I’m not going.” “Much to his disappointment.” Was Natejealous ? “I told you, we’re friends. He’s not even gay.” At that, Nate shot him a withering look. “Jesus, Lucas, we really need to take your gaydar into the shop. He’s totally into you.” Lucas sputtered and laughed in disbelief. “You cannot be serious. Nate, I just met him a few weeks ago.

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He’s a friend. Besides, how do you even know he’s gay? He never said anything to me.” “I know he’s gay because I know. Trust me, I can tell. Obviously you didn’t tell him you’re gay, since you apparently can’t even call me your ‘boyfriend’ out loud.” Shame coursed through him and Lucas reached for Nate’s hand after dropping his melting ice-cream cone into a nearby garbage can. “I don’t know what was wrong with me. I guess it’s just weird to come right out and say it to someone like that. I never have before.” Nate softened and squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. I know you’re new at all this.” He shook his head with a rueful smile. “But believe me, Casey would love to be a lot more than friends.” As if. “Nate, you’ve got nothing to worry about, okay?” “Yeah, okay.” He glanced around and brushed a lightning-quick kiss against Lucas’s lips. “I’ve gotta get to the darkroom lab. See you tonight.” Lucas watched him go, swiping at his cheek to make sure all traces of chocolate were gone. ***** Sitting cross-legged and sideways on the futon, Lucas surveyed the books in front of him. So much reading, and he didn’t want to do any of it. Nate sat in the desk chair they’d picked up on sale and leaned over the dresser they’d bought and put against the half wall. Lucas sighed loudly. “I think my brain has reached its maximum intake capacity. I’m reading, but nothing’s sinking in.” It was Friday afternoon, and he’d had his fill of school. Nate chuckled. “Tell me about it.” “Let’s go out. We could see a movie, or whatever.” Nate glanced up from his notebook. “I think I’m going to go home tonight. I need to use my darkroom for school and if I come tonight for dinner my mom won’t give me a hard time when I don’t stay tomorrow night.” Anything to avoid studying. “Oh. Okay. If you want to.” Nate’s brow furrowed. “It’s just one night. I could use some alone time and I need to get these pictures developed. The lab at school’s a zoo.” Alone time. Meaning time away from Lucas. “I thought you were taking mostly digital photography.” “I’m doing both. Remember, it’s only first year. There’s a lot of intro stuff.” He sat up straight in the chair and took his glasses off. “What’s the matter?” “Nothing, nothing. It’s fine.” Lucas tried to ignore the irrational surge of hurt he felt about the fact that Nate wanted to be away from him. He opened his sociology textbook and flipped to a random page. “It’s just for a night.”

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“I know, it’s fine.” Lucas pretended to read. “We didn’t have plans, right?” “No, it’s cool. We’re not married; you can go out without me.” Lucas tried to laugh, but it came out sounding more like a whimper. Nate rubbed his eyes and came over to sit on the other end of the futon. “I’m not goingout . I’m going home to eat dinner with my parents and use my darkroom. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. You’re acting like I’m sneaking out on a date or something.” He was right; Lucas knew he was being ridiculous. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” “We don’t have to be attached at the hip every second. Don’t you get sick of me sometimes?” Nate smiled ruefully. “I certainly get sick of myself.” “I could never get sick of you.” Lucas shoved the books out of the way and pressed Nate back against the hard futon. He slid his tongue into Nate’s mouth as his hand slithered up beneath Nate’s button-down shirt. “I’m an idiot,” Lucas said. “It’s okay. You’remy idiot.” Nate arched his hips up and grinned. They kissed again, tongues winding together and bodies moving in a familiar rhythm. Nate groaned and broke away. “I’ve got to get going.” He cupped Lucas’s cheek. “Come home with me tonight. My parents always love seeing you.” “No, I was being stupid. You need to get some work done. Maybe I’ll go to that party Casey mentioned.” Lucas wasn’t sure where the last part came from; wild parties weren’t usually his scene. Nate’s smile slipped a bit. “Maybe you’re the one with the date.” Lucas felt a twinge of pleasure at Nate’s jealousy, followed by a rush of shame. He sighed and sat up, running a hand through his hair. “We’re just friends. He doesn’t like me.” As if a popular, outgoing, gorgeous jock like Casey would likehim . Lucas shouldn’t have even brought it up. Nate smiled. “Okay, I believe you. I was just kidding anyway.” He checked his watch. “Crap, I really do have to go if I’m going to make it for dinner.” After sliding out from under Lucas, he stuffed his notebook in his messenger bag and slung it over his chest. “See you tomorrow.” He dropped a last kiss and was gone. Lucas lay back on the futon and stared at the ceiling. Maybe he really should go to that party. If Nate was going to have his own life, Lucas needed to get one too. Stat. ***** The frat house pulsed with bass and people, and Lucas had an uncomfortable flashback to the dorm at Brookfield. He considered turning around on the sidewalk and going back the way he came, but resisted. He was definitely not coming to the party to see Casey, but he was never going to make friends hiding at home with his textbooks. The party was in full swing, and Lucas squeezed his way into the house through a crowd of scantily clad girls who seemed to be ingesting a large amount of beer. In the corners, couples groped each other, and on a pool table, a topless girl danced and giggled. One of her more sober friends attempted to get her

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down, but the dancing girl shimmied out of her grasp. “Hey! You made it!” Casey appeared, thrusting a beer into Lucas’s hand. “Thanks. I think.” Lucas took a tentative sip. Casey laughed. “Don’t worry, I didn’t roofie you. That comes later.” At Lucas’s expression, Casey laughed harder. “I’m kidding, man. Lighten up.” “Sorry. I’m not very good at this.” Lucas waved his hand around to encompass the room. “At what?” “Parties, I guess. This isn’t really my scene. You know how…” He realized they’d never had a chance to talk about the fact that Lucas was gay. Casey raised his eyebrows, nodding encouragingly. “How…” “How I’m gay.” “Uh-huh. I’m gay too.” “You are?” Lucas squeaked in surprise. Nate was right. “I just…oh. I didn’t know.” “Well, it’s not a secret. I thought you knew.” “Wow. So, you’re gay. And I’m gay.” Casey smiled, flashing his dimples. “Yes, I think we established that when I met your boyfriend.” “I mean…” Lucas was rambling nonsensically. “I guess I’m surprised you’d be at this kind of party.” “Are you kidding? My friend, frat parties are one of the best places to hook up on campus.” “But aren’t these guys, you know, straight?” Lucas glanced around at all the guys ogling the girls. “Most of them, sure. But not all. Some are on the downlow. Then there are the closet cases that are practically coming in their pants they’re so repressed. Trust me, you’ll get lucky.” “Oh, I’m not looking. Boyfriend, remember?” Casey smiled. “Right, right. Hey, it’s up to you. But if you change your mind, let me know.” Something caught his eye, and he gulped down the rest of his beer. “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I have to go do.” Casey disappeared into the crowd, zeroing in on a gorgeous guy who stood alone in the doorway to another room. Lucas watched as Casey approached him and started talking. It didn’t take long for the other man to nod and go upstairs. A moment later, Casey followed. He caught Lucas’s eye and gave him a nod and a grin. Lucas took another sip of beer, wondering what the hell he was doing at this party. Just then, a tall,

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scantily dressed blonde girl with a big smile and even bigger breasts sidled up. “Hey. What’s your name?” After peeking around to make sure she was talking to him, he answered. “Lucas.” After a beat, he added, “What’s yours?” “Ashley. I’m a freshman.” She stood very close, and Lucas inched back. “Me too.” He didn’t bother explaining about transferring from Brookfield. “Wanna dance?” Ashley rubbed up against him. “Uh, I’m not much of a dancer.” Ashley ignored this and before he knew it, she’d corralled him onto the dance floor. Lucas dutifully shuffled his feet and forced a smile as Ashley gyrated against him and everyone in her immediate vicinity. As Lucas looked around the room in an effort to ignore Ashley’s heaving bosom pressed against him, he caught the eye of a cute boy leaning against the pool table. Lucas found himself smiling for real, and the guy smiled back, eyes twinkling beneath his shaggy brown hair. Then he nodded his head slightly toward the stairs. Wait. Was he…? Did he…? A flutter of panic gripped Lucas, and he jerked his gaze back to Ashley. That guy wasn’t hitting on him, was he? Afraid to look back, Lucas nodded and laughed weakly at whatever Ashley was saying. He wasn’t sure, and didn’t ask her to repeat herself. There was no way the cute boy wantedLucas to go upstairs.Right? By the time Lucas dared a glance at the pool table, the boy had vanished. The slow melody of a ballad began, and Lucas ducked out as Ashley’s arms arced around his neck. “Sorry, I’m not feeling well.” Waving apologetically as Ashley pouted, Lucas escaped into the fresh night air. Chapter Five

“More potatoes?” Rachel held the platter out across the dinner table. Her long red hair was pulled back with a headband, and she wore a frilly yellow dress. Lucas shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve eaten this much in…ever. But thanks.” Rachel smiled at Lucas for another few moments before offering the potatoes to Sam. Nate’s teenage cousin had always seemed rather fascinated with Lucas, and he’d noticed her pout when Sam had sat beside him. Nate was on his other side, and the extended Kramer family filled out the table. Sam took the platter eagerly. He never seemed to get full. “Thanks, Rach,” he said around a mouthful of roast beef. Amanda was working overtime, and Sam’s table manners suffered in her absence.

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Nate’s aunt Linda spoke up from the head of the long table. “Sure you don’t want any more, Lucas? Remember, no food or water until tomorrow night.” “He’s not Jewish, he doesn’t have to fast.” Mr. Kramer winked at Lucas. “He’ll be eating Big Macs for all of us tomorrow.” Everyone laughed, and one of Nate’s younger cousins sighed loudly. “I miss Big Macs already.” Rachel rolled her eyes. “It’s, like, one day without food and water. Besides, we’re eating so much now that I won’t be hungry until tomorrow night anyway.” Lucas put his fork down. “I think since I get to eat the Yom Kippur meal I should have to fast. Do you have to give up anything else?” Nate’s grandfather, who sat at the other end of the table, cleared his throat. “It’s the day of atonement, when we repent for all of our sins. We give up food and water at sundown on the eve of the holy day until night falls again. Do you really want to take part, young man?” Beside him, Nate shifted in his seat. “Papa, I’m sure Lucas is just being polite.” “No, no. I really want to follow the rules.” Lucas enjoyed spending time with the Kramers and being a part of the traditions they followed. Nate’s grandfather clapped his hands together once. “Okay, second rule is no washing. And no putting on cologne to make yourself smell better!” Everyone laughed, and he went on. “No leather shoes.” “Don’t ask why, or we’ll be here all day,” Mr. Kramer joked. “One last important thing,” Nate’s grandfather said. His eyes twinkled mischievously. “No hanky-panky.” “Father!” Linda burst out laughing, with everyone following suit. As Lucas tried to think of a response, he felt Nate’s hand slide up his thigh. Lucas coughed. “Okay, I’ll keep all those rules in mind.” Linda announced that it was time for dessert, and Lucas offered to help clear the dishes. In Linda’s kitchen, he cleared the plates before Rachel stacked them in the dishwasher. After they were done, Lucas tied off the full garbage bag and pulled it out of the can. “Where should I put this?” “In the garage.” Nate appeared. “Come on, I’ll show you.” Lucas followed him out the back door and around to the side entrance to the garage. Nate tugged on the wooden door and let Lucas go first into the musty interior before closing the door behind them. The only illumination came from the line of fading sunlight that came underneath the front door of the garage on the other side of a large SUV. Lucas fumbled for the light switch on the wall. “Leave it.” Nate was closer than Lucas thought he was. Nate took the garbage bag from his hand and dropped it somewhere with a slight clang. Pressing him up against the back of the SUV, Nate’s tongue dipped into Lucas’s mouth, his hands

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quickly untucking Lucas’s dress shirt and skimming across his skin. Lucas sucked in a breath. “Your family will be wondering…” He couldn’t see Nate’s face clearly in the dim, but could hear the smile in his voice. “If my family knew how hot you were, they’d understand that there’s one more thing I need to eat before sundown.” Lucas tingled with desire as they kissed again. Nate sank to his knees, tongue dipping into Lucas’s belly button while he yanked down Lucas’s slacks. Lucas moaned as Nate sucked his hip, his mouth and tongue teasing and skimming over Lucas’s stomach. Nate had barely touched Lucas’s dick, but it was already hard. Nate blew a stream of cool air over the tip, and Lucas quivered. “Please, Nate.” After a teasing lick from the base of Lucas’s cock to the end, Nate pulled away. “Please what?” “Please suck me.” Lucas’s eyes had adjusted to the dark, and he could see Nate’s head lean in, his lips closing around the head of Lucas’s cock. Lucas arched his hips, trying to get more of himself inside the warmth of Nate’s mouth. But Nate pulled back, teasing him with more little kisses and licks. Lucas groaned and reached down, his fingers strong in Nate’s curls. Nate opened his mouth and swallowed Lucas as much as he could. As he fondled Lucas’s balls, he pulled back. “Remember, we have to atone for this tomorrow, so you’d better make it worth your while.” Lucas was so horny he thought he would explode. He tightened his grip on Nate’s hair, and Nate swiped his tongue across the head of Lucas’s cock. “Fuck my mouth.” With a low moan, Lucas did. Grabbing Nate’s head in both hands, he pistoned his hips forward, holding Nate in place as he buried his cock in the hot depths of Nate’s mouth and throat. He felt a rush of power that went straight through his dick from his balls to the tip, and he came, shooting down Nate’s throat as he shuddered. Resting back against the cool metal of the SUV, Lucas caught his breath. He could hear Nate swallowing thickly, and he ran his fingers through Nate’s hair gently as Nate jerked himself off, grunting quietly. When he was done, Nate got to his feet and they kissed leisurely. Nate rested their foreheads together, and Lucas pulled him close. “So, nohanky-panky until tomorrow night, huh?” Lucas asked. “Nope. Think you can manage?” “As long as we stay far away from each other, it should be a breeze.” Nate chuckled and then froze. “Did you hear that?” “What?” Lucas strained his ears in the darkness. The side door suddenly swung open, daylight spilling into the garage.

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“Rachel!” One foot on the step, another bag of garbage in her hand, Rachel stopped, looking back over her shoulder. “Yes, Uncle Ben?” “I think there’s another bag to go out,” Nate’s father called from what was probably the back door. “Are you sure? I double-checked.” Nate and Lucas remained frozen, breath caught in their chests. “If you could just check again.” Rachel grumbled and turned back to the house, leaving the door ajar. Lucas and Nate leaped into action, straightening their clothes and hair. They escaped into the backyard just as Rachel emerged from the house again. She stopped, surprised. “There you guys are.” She smiled sweetly at Lucas. “Dessert’s ready.” “Great, thanks!” Lucas cringed at his overly friendly tone. Rachel headed to the garage, and they tried not to giggle too much as they went inside. ***** “I am so thirsty.” Nate sighed and rolled over, his back to Lucas in their bed. “Repeating that every minute will not help the situation.” “I know, I’m sorry. But this whole fasting thing is harder than I thought it would be.” “You realize it’s only been seven hours.” “Yes, but…” Lucas knew he was being whiny, but damn, he was thirsty. “Lucas, just go get a drink and let me sleep.” “No, I told your grandfather I’d fast. I’m going to temple with you guys tomorrow and I should follow the rules.” “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.” “That’s not the point.” “Lucas, who the hell is going to know?” “God, for starters.” Nate rolled over onto his back again. “You’re not even Jewish. God will give you a break, okay? Besides, we’re fags. We’re going to hell anyway.”

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“Do you really believe that?” Lucas realized they hadn’t ever talked about it. “No. I don’t know. Maybe.” “What do you think your parents would say if they knew?” Nate scowled. “I think they’d say they only had one son.” He turned over once more. “You really think so? They might surprise you.” Nate’s voice was muffled by the pillow. “Go to sleep.” “Really, I think you’re selling them short.” “Lucas, you’ve known my parents for less than a year. I’ve known them my whole life. Trust me. A couple of years ago one of the women from temple didn’t show her face for months after people found out her daughter was shacked up with another chick. Every time my mother talked about it, she whispered the word ‘lesbian’ as if it was just too horrible to say out loud.” “But…you’re their son.” The Kramers had been so good to Lucas, and he wanted to believe that one day he and Nate could live in the open. “Yeah, their sonthe queer .” Nate dropped his voice to a whisper on the last two words. Lucas couldn’t think of anything else to say, and the silence stretched out. Finally he said, “The good news is that I’m not thirsty anymore.” It was a lie, but it made Nate chuckle, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. ***** Sucking in a weary breath, Lucas trudged up the final flight of stairs. The elevator was broken yetagain , and the Indian summer heat made the trek up the stairs even more painful. Lucas muttered to himself as he climbed. All he wanted was a shower, a beer, and some TV time. He was sick of school, sick of the pages and pages of reading he had to do this week, and to top it off, Nate had forgotten his birthday. Granted, he’d told Nate months ago when his birthday was, and since he felt needy and weird reminding him, Lucas hadn’t said anything this week. Still, he’d hoped that maybe Nate would remember. Yet that morning had been like any other; Nate had had an early class and he’d rushed off after giving Lucas a quick kiss. Fumbling with his keys, Lucas swore under his breath. He pushed the door open with his foot and blinked in utter surprise. Candles flickered gently around the room, and an orchid plant stood on the battered coffee table. A delicious savory smell permeated the small room, and Nate stood by the kitchen island. He’d gelled his hair back and wore a cuff-linked dress shirt and sharply creased pants. He was beautiful. “You remembered.” Lucas swallowed hard over the sudden lump in his throat.

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“Of course I remembered. Happy birthday.” Nate kissed him soundly. Dropping his book bag, Lucas hugged him tightly before pulling away, remembering the state he was in. “I’m all sweaty and gross, sorry. Your clothes.” Nate shook his head, laughing. “I don’t fucking care.” He pulled Lucas close again, and slid his tongue into Lucas’s mouth. They stood in the doorway kissing, and Lucas fumbled with the buttons on Nate’s shirt. “’Fraid you got all dressed up for nothing.” Lucas tugged Nate’s pants down, and soon they had peeled off all their clothes. “You wanna fuck me?” Nate rubbed their cocks together, his lips urgent on Lucas’s neck. “Yes, yes, yes.” Lucas was already getting hard. He urged Nate a few steps toward the bed, but Nate shook his head. Instead, he faced the dresser, spread his arms, and bent over as the lean muscles in his back flexed. He offered up his tight, firm ass, nodding his head toward the lube and condom ready and waiting on top of the dresser. Lucas told himself to slow down, but he tore the wrapper open with his teeth, rolling the latex on his pulsing, waiting dick. He squeezed out too much lube and messily coated himself with it before pushing his fingers into Nate. Taking a shuddering breath, he slowed his movements, prodding Nate gently. Nate squeezed around his fingers, wiggling his ass. “I want you,” he ground out. Grasping Nate’s hips with his slick hands, Lucas pushed the head of his cock inside. Nate groaned, pushing back, and Lucas thrust into the tight heat. He rocked his hips and gripped one of Nate’s shoulders for more leverage. Lucas loved being fucked, but he loved fucking too. Nate always urged him on, telling him to do it harder, and Lucas didn’t worry about hurting him anymore. He surged in and out of Nate, heat squeezing his cock torturously. He slammed in right up to his balls, his hips meeting Nate’s ass on every thrust. “Yeah, yeah, like that,” Nate muttered, his body a wire of tension as Lucas fucked him. Both sweating and breathing deeply, they pushed and pulled, Nate leaning down farther, opening himself up even more. Reaching around, Lucas began stroking Nate roughly in time with the thrust of his hips, and Nate moaned and shook, shooting his load. He breathed heavily and didn’t pull back as Lucas still pistoned in and out of his ass, his balls tingling. Nate squeezed down, and that was the end, Lucas calling out as he came, shuddering. His feet slipped a little in the sweat that had dripped down from his body. After Lucas pulled out, they both dropped to the floor, leaning back against the dresser. Nate pressed a kiss to Lucas’s shoulder. Lucas closed his eyes blissfully, but opened them a moment later. “What’s that smell? Did you cook?” “Oh, crap.” Nate bounded up and into the kitchen, lifting the lid from a pot and stirring.

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“Careful, don’t burn yourself.” Nate was still naked, his ass crack glistening. Lucas would never get tired of the sight. “I think it’s ready. Let me just put the spaghetti on.” Lucas stretched out on the floor, his arms behind his head. “Mmmm, my favorite. Meat sauce?” “Of course.” Nate affected a bad Italian accent. “Secret recipe from ze old country.” “Ah. Of course, you’re not Italian.” “Nope, but someone on the Food Network is.” Lucas watched Nate work in the kitchen, the candlelight flickering off his skin. How did he get so lucky? He couldn’t believe he and Nate had known each other for less than a year. Sometimes it felt like forever, in the best way. As the pasta boiled, Nate gave Lucas a hand up off the floor and they both donned boxer shorts. With no dining table, they ate on the futon, using the coffee table. Nate poured a bottle of red wine, and they toasted. Lucas swirled the spaghetti onto his fork and took a bite. “Oh my God,” he said, mouth full. “This is amazing.” “If I do say so myself, it’s pretty damn good, huh?” “You should cook every day.” Nate laughed. “Nice try. Not gonna happen.” “Hey, it was worth a shot.” They talked easily, the wine flowing and the food settling comfortably in their bellies. Lucas sat back against the cushions, utterly satisfied. Nate kissed his cheek, his lips spicy from the spaghetti sauce. “I’d tell you to save room for dessert, but you won’t really need to.” “No dessert?” Even though he was full, Lucas always had room for sweets. “Well, there’s a little something.” Nate got up, taking their plates into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and came back with a can of whipped cream and a wicked gleam in his eye. Pulling a pillow off the futon and dropping to his knees, Nate yanked Lucas’s boxers down. Even though they’d had sex less than an hour before, Lucas’s dick twitched expectantly. Nate took the lid off the can and shook it, the can rattling. “Open up.” He squeezed a dollop into Lucas’s mouth, and as he savored the creamy sweetness, Nate moved on to Lucas’s nipples, spraying a blob of whipped cream onto the left. Leaning over, he sucked the nipple into his mouth, tongue swirling around, teasing it into a stiff peak before doing the same on the right side. By the time he got past Lucas’s belly button and down the faint trail of hair leading to his cock, Lucas thought to himself that he’d happily take this dessert over birthday cake every year. *****

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A vague clicking and whirring noise woke Lucas. As he mentally shook off the cobwebs of sleep, he opened his eyes and found Nate at the foot of the bed, snapping his picture. “Urgh.” Lucas wasn’t quite up to forming words yet. Nate continued clicking away. “Lucas at rest.” He groaned. “Lucas who needs his coffee and looks like crap.” “You never look like crap.” Nate finally took the camera away from his face, snapping the lens cap on. “You’re gorgeous.” Lucas rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.” “Yeah,right .” Nate went to the kitchen and turned on the cheap coffeemaker they’d bought at Target. “I don’t know how many times I have to say it until you believe it.” The phone rang, saving Lucas from responding. Nate checked the caller ID and sighed, which meant Mrs. Kramer was the caller. After a moment’s hesitation, Nate answered. “Hey, Mom…why? What happened?” The sudden edge to his tone made Lucas sit up. “Is he okay?” Nate listened for another moment. “Okay, I’m going. Don’t worry, Mom. ’Bye.” Lucas was at his side. “What?” “Sam was in an accident. I don’t know, but he’s at the hospital in Manhattan. My parents are on their way, but I have to go too.” Worry creased his face as he quickly shoved his limbs into the nearest clothing, which happened to be the shirt Lucas had worn the day before and left on the floor by the laundry hamper. “I’ll come with you.” Lucas got dressed too, before running his hand quickly through his hair. “It’s okay. I’m sure he’s fine.” Nate didn’t sound sure at all. “Nate.” Lucas put his hands on Nate’s shoulders, forcing him to look at him. “I’m coming.” Nate nodded. “He’ll be fine, right? I mean, it’s Sam. He’s the golden child. Nothing can happen to him.” Steering Nate toward the door, Lucas grabbed his wallet and keys. “Yeah, he’ll be fine.” Lucas really hoped he wasn’t lying. In the back of the cab on the way to the hospital, Lucas held Nate’s hand tightly. They said nothing, and the Saturday morning traffic was mercifully and surprisingly light. The emergency room, however, bustled with activity. A baby wailed, unseen, and Nate had to raise his voice to be heard by the triage nurse. She told them to take a seat, and they found two seats between a miserable-looking woman with a small child sleeping in her lap, and a disheveled man who was telling the young woman beside him how beautiful she was. The woman appeared singularly unimpressed. A TV high on the wall aired CNN, and Lucas stared at the news crawl. The same news repeated itself every few minutes, yet he remained transfixed.

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Finally, an aging nurse with a clipboard, squeaky shoes, and peach-colored scrubs called for Nate. Lucas accompanied him wordlessly through the swinging doors and beyond into the patient area of the ER. There were barely inside when Sam’s voice rang out. “That tickles!” he squealed, followed by giggles. Relief and irritation mingled, and Nate’s face transformed. His lips compressed and he marched toward a curtained-off exam area. When Nate whipped back the curtain, Sam glanced up from the bed where his leg lay propped on pillows. His face lit up. “Heeey! It’s my brother!” Alcohol wafted off him in waves. “What the hell happened?” Nate was terse. The nurse smirked. “He had a fall getting out of a cab this morning. Twisted his ankle pretty badly, but he’ll live. He’ll need to be on crutches for a few days.” Sam’s ankle was about the size of a grapefruit, which looked painful, although he didn’t appear to be feeling it. “Glad you’re okay,” Lucas said. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. I told them they didn’t need to call anyone.” Sam spoke with the slow cadence of someone who had drunk far too much. “Well, they called Mom and Dad, who are on their way with half the family in tow, probably.” Nate was not amused. “Whoops.” Sam giggled. “It’s eight o’clock in the morning! How are you still drunk?” “Twenty-four-hour strip bar, apparently,” the nurse told them. “What about Amanda?” Nate’s anger was clearly building and his voice rose. “Dude, I was having some fun with the guys. Chillax.” Nate ignored him and dialed his cell phone. The nurse shook her head. “Uh-uh, you’ve got to go outside for that.” Nate left without another word, and the nurse moved on to another patient “Aw, man, he’s always mad at me for something. I didn’t mean to cause trouble.” Horrifyingly, Sam appeared as if he might start crying, so Lucas quickly reassured him. “No, no, he’s not mad.” Obvious lie. “He was just really worried about you.” Which was true. “Really?” “Of course.” “You know, dude, you’re a good guy. I really didn’t want a roommate in my senior year, but if I had to pick one again, it would be you.” Sam was slurring his words badly.

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“Thanks. That’s…nice.” “It’s really cool that you’re living with my brother now. You know, he seems way happier than he used to. I mean, you didn’t know him before, but he barely ever talked or anything.” Lucas wasn’t sure how to respond, and he hoped Nate would be back soon. “So, how are you feeling?” Steering the topic back to Sam was usually a very successful tactic, since there were few subjects Sam enjoyed discussing more. “I’m starting to feel a bit…woozy. My stomach --” Suddenly he vomited all over himself. His own gorge rising, Lucas turned away and yanked the curtain closed behind him. A moment later, the Kramer family bustled into the large, open room, Mrs. Kramer in the lead. Lucas pointed behind the curtain, and he and an angry Nate left Sam in capable hands. Chapter Six

Glancing at the clock on the DVD player again, Lucas turned back to his textbook and attempted to focus. After rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time, he slammed the book shut and looked at the clock again. It was ten minutes after ten, and the dinner Lucas had made hours ago was packed up in the fridge. He’d given in and eaten his portion at nine o’clock. Nate was usually home by seven thirty on Tuesdays, but he was nowhere to be found and his cell phone was turned off. By ten thirty, Lucas started to worry in earnest. What if there’d been an accident? How would he find out? Surely the Kramers would call him. Lucas had listed Nate in his cell phone under emergency contact, but he didn’t know what was in Nate’s phone, if anything. At ten forty-five, he paced restlessly, pausing only to check and recheck that his phone was on and functional. He toyed with the idea of calling Nate’s parents, but if everything was okay, Nate would get an earful from his mother, which he certainly wouldn’t be happy about. It was five minutes to eleven o’clock when Lucas heard the jingle of keys from the hallway. He exhaled, his shoulders dropping in relief as Nate walked in. The relief was quickly followed by irritation. “Where were you?” Nate blinked in surprise as he dropped his bag on the floor and took his jacket off. “Whoa. What’s with you?” “What’s with me? I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere.” Lucas cringed at his strident tone. He hadn’t called Mrs. Kramer, but he was channeling her now. Nate regarded him with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. “Lucas, I was out. I ran into Jamie and we went to meet the boys. Sorry, I lost track of time.” “You could have called.”

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“I forgot to recharge my cell battery yesterday.” “You couldn’t have borrowed someone else’s phone?” Lucas crossed his arms over his chest. “I didn’t think it was a big deal.” “Well, it was.” “I didn’t realize we were out for so long.” Nate untied his retro Adidas sneakers and kicked them off. “Did we have plans? I thought you were studying for your test tonight.” “I was.” “Okay. So we didn’t have plans?” “No.” Lucas knew he was pouting like a child, but he couldn’t help himself. “Look, I’m sorry I worried you. I went out for a few drinks and I didn’t think you’d be here waiting for me with bated breath.” “I wasn’t!” Nate arched an eyebrow. “Then why are you so pissed?” Lucas wasn’t sure he knew the answer. “I thought something happened to you!” “It’s barely eleven o’clock. I’m sorry I didn’t call, and I’m sorry you were worried. But it’s not as if we have a curfew. We’re adults, Lucas.” “I know that.” “We don’t have to be together every minute of every day.” “I didn’t say we did!” Still, it was Nate who had a circle of friends that Lucas didn’t know that well. Without Nate, Lucas’s only friend was Casey, and they’d just met. “Sometimes it feels that way.” “Sorry. I know you have a life outside of me. You’re free to do whatever you want.” Orwhomever . Lucas tried to silence the little voice that told him Nate could do a lot better. “You don’t have to answer to me.” “Of course I do. Lucas, I’m just saying we should both have our own time as well as time together.” “Sure. Yeah, that makes sense.” Nate went to the fridge and poured himself a glass of water from the Brita filter. “Did you cook?” Lucas didn’t want to answer, and he felt strangely embarrassed now that he’d gone to the effort. “It was no big deal. Just a casserole.” He went back to the futon and reopened his textbook.

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Sitting on the other end of the futon, Nate gently closed the book. “Itis a big deal. I should have called. I’m sorry.” “It’s okay. I don’t know why I freaked out.” “Were you really worried?” “A bit.” Nate brushed the hair back from Lucas’s forehead. “I promise I’ll call next time.” “I promise I won’t freak out and act like a five-year-old.” “No, it’s good that you told me you were upset. Even though I’m not sure if you told me the real reason.” Lucas shrugged. “Like I said, I was worried. And…” “And what?” “I don’t know. I just feel like a big loser sometimes.” “What? Why?” Nate seemed completely baffled. “Forget it.” “No, I don’t want to forget it. Tell me what’s going on.” “It’s just…growing up, I never had many friends. My dad and I moved around so much that after a while, it seemed like a waste of time to get to know anyone.” “Yeah, that would pretty much suck. It takes me a long time to get to know people.” Nate smiled. “Well, except for you. You were the exception.” Lucas smiled back and shifted closer on the futon. “When I moved here this summer and you were in Europe, I realized how alone I am without you and your family. Without you, I don’t have anyone. I don’t think that’s really a good thing, you know? I mean, what if we broke up?” Nate’s smile was uneasy. “Hmm. You know something I don’t?” “No, no. Of course not. I’m just saying…” “I hear you. You don’t want your entire world to revolve around me.” He grinned. “Although I am pretty awesome, so it’s understandable that you’d want to be with me day and night.” Lucas laughed. “Right. So you can see my dilemma.” “Look, don’t worry. You just need to get out there and meet people. Join a club or something.” He made it sound so easy, but Lucas wasn’t convinced. “Yeah, I should look into it. Maybe I’ll ask Casey.”

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At Casey’s name, Nate’s smile flickered, but he said, “Sounds like a good idea.” Leaning in, he kissed Lucas’s neck. “So, am I forgiven?” His hand slid up Lucas’s thigh. A bolt of desire surged through Lucas. “Well, that depends.” “On?” “How hard you make me come tonight.” Nate kissed him in response, his tongue slipping between Lucas’s lips. Before long, they’d made their way to the bed, flinging their clothes off and bumping into the wall in the small space between the foot of the bed and the bathroom. As Nate reached for the lube, Lucas got onto his hands and knees on the mattress. Nate pressed up close behind him, kissing down his spine, his hands teasing. Then a slick finger pushed inside him, and Lucas moaned softly. “Fuck me,” he muttered. “That’s the plan.” Nate added another finger, opening him up. Lucas was hard, and he resisted the urge to touch himself. He heard the tear of foil and tensed in anticipation as Nate slipped his fingers out. The head of his cock replaced them, and Lucas pushed back, eager to take him inside. As Nate entered him, Lucas closed his eyes and savored the familiar mix of pleasure and pain. He loved the sensation of being possessed, and of possessing Nate at the same time. Nate thrust back and forth gently at first, then with increasing power. His hands gripped Lucas’s hips as he drove in and out, deeper each time. He hit exactly the right spot, and Lucas cried out as his body tingled with waves of pleasure. Nate repeated the motion, and soon Lucas was moaning loudly, his arms trembling. While Lucas loved the intimacy of having sex face-to-face, there was something primal about being on all fours that really turned him on. “Harder,” he groaned. Nate was only too happy to comply, and Lucas could hear his harsh breathing as he rammed into him. Lucas went down onto his elbows, opening himself up further. The bed slammed into the wall with a rhythmic noise, and a thought about what the neighbors must think flitted through his mind. Then Nate reached around and began stroking him roughly, and Lucas came in a blinding rush of joy that shook his body. Nate still moved inside him, gasping as he worked his hips faster before shuddering with release. They both caught their breath, and after a few minutes, Lucas gathered the energy to shift away from the wet spot. Nate smiled lazily. “What’s for dinner?” Laughing, Lucas told him to go microwave the casserole himself. ***** The line for Gomorrah wrapped around the block, but Nate confidently marched up to the VIP

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entrance, Lucas in tow. At least Lucas was twenty-one now, but he still wasn’t much of a clubber. “Nate, are you sure they’ll let us in?” “I told you, Ryan got us on the list.” “How?” He smirked over his shoulder. “Ryan has his ways.” It was the Saturday before Halloween, and the whole city seemed to be on the streets, decked out in costumes. Plumes of feathers, masks of all shapes and sizes, and garish makeup were everywhere Lucas looked. He and Nate both wore tight black pants and tall black boots, topped off with open, flowing shirts and masquerade masks from a local costume shop. Nate’s was a black and white harlequin diamond pattern and diagonally covered half his face. It made Lucas think ofThe Phantom of the Opera , and he’d been humming it under his breath all evening, much to Nate’s consternation, although Nate smiled as he complained. Lucas’s own mask was bright blue and covered his eyes and nose. He felt remarkably concealed under it, although the open shirt flapping around him made him very self-conscious. His chest was so pale and soft compared to everyone else’s. He wanted to do a few buttons up, but then he’d look like he was trying to hide. Which he was, but he didn’t want it to be so obvious. He crossed his arms and shivered in the autumn air, which had turned chilly. Thinking of the first and last time he’d been in the club, Lucas flushed as he remembered taking his shirt off and letting Nate jerk him off with people watching. He hadn’t felt ashamed then, so why did he feel so uncomfortable in his costume now? The bouncer eyed them up and down as Nate gave his name. Scanning the list, the bouncer paused for what seemed an eternity before telling them their fate. He nodded. “ID.” After flashing their licenses, they were admitted entrance beyond the velvet ropes. Inside, the huge, multilevel circular space teemed with revelers, the colored strobe lights pulsing and illuminating a menagerie of costumes. Some of the men on the dance floor had apparently gone with a biblical theme and wore little more than loincloths. Lucas again had to fight the urge to cover his own skin. He couldn’t compete with these men. Nate clasped Lucas’s hand and they worked their way to the back of the club where Nate’s friends always met. However, they were nowhere to be found, and Nate scanned the room uselessly. “They should be here,” he shouted. Just then, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket, peering at the screen intently. He’d put it on vibrate due to the eardrum-shattering volume of the music. Nate’s face darkened and he snapped the phone shut. “I’ve got to go outside. There’s drama with Jamie.Again . I think he and Roger had a fight.” “Don’t they have a fight, like, every five minutes?” Lucas had to shout to be heard. “Yeah, but he’s my friend, so I need to go. I don’t want you to have to deal with this; I’m sure it’s nothing. Look, just have a drink and dance and have fun, and I’ll be back before you know it. Sorry.” Nate kissed him and squeezed his hand before he turned away.

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“No, I’ll come with you!” But Nate was already swallowed in the crowd, and Lucas stood there forlornly as people moved around him. To give himself something to do, he fought his way to the bar and ordered a beer. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he was, and the beer was gone before he knew it. He got back in line. “Want an Orgasm?” “Um, what?” Lucas found himself in very close quarters with the man next to him in the crush in front of the bar. The man, who wore an open leather vest over breeches and sported an eye patch, was tall and beautiful, with dazzling white teeth and perfectly coiffed black hair. A sprinkling of hair peppered his wide chest, and his arms were thick with sculpted muscles. “An Orgasm. You know, the shot,” the man replied, his mouth close to Lucas’s ear so he could be heard. “Oh, um…” Lucas felt strangely tongue-tied, and then they were at the front of the line. “Two Orgasms and two Heinekens,” the man ordered. Lucas accepted the drinks and threw the shot back, washing down the sweet butterscotch flavor with the beer. “Thanks.” “Anytime. Sure is packed tonight, huh?” The man rambled on about Halloween, pointing out impressive costumes on the dance floor. Lucas listened politely, drinking his free beer, which went down as easily as the first one. They had another shot and Heineken, with Lucas insisting on paying this time. The guy seemed nice enough, and it was great to have some company while he waited for Nate, who was taking way longer than he said he would. The new Rihanna remix came on, and the man nodded to the dance floor. “Come on.” “Oh, I’ve got to wait here. My boyfriend’s coming back any minute.” “So we’ll stay at the edge of the floor. Come on, let’s get our groove on.” He playfully tugged Lucas’s arm, and Lucas let himself be led. It really was a great song, and Nate was taking forever anyway. Jamie would probably be talking his ear off all night if history counted for anything. Before long, the throng on the dance floor enveloped him, and Lucas let himself go, the slight buzz from the alcohol amplified since he hadn’t eaten dinner. The bass thumped through his body, into his bones, moving his muscles as he danced. His new friend moved like a pro, shaking his body perfectly to the beat. Lucas wasn’t sure how much time went by before he told the guy that he had to go back and find Nate. Before the man could argue, Lucas wormed his way through the crowd, struggling to get off the dance floor. He peered around at the spot where Nate had left him, searching for the Phantom mask. When he didn’t find him, he headed to the bathroom, pissing with relief at the urinal. Someone took the spot beside him, and Lucas glanced over to find his pirate friend, who smiled. “Find

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your boyfriend?” Zipping up, Lucas shook his head. “Nope. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” “He’s crazy, you know.” “What?” “Leaving a hot guy like you alone. I wouldn’t let you out of my sight.” The pirate ran a finger down Lucas’s chest, making him shiver. “Me?” The question was out before Lucas could stop himself. “Yeah, you.” The man nodded toward the large mirror over the sinks. “You’re fucking hot.” Looking at the mirror, Lucas jolted. He almost didn’t recognize himself with the mask, and the open shirt, and the way his chest gleamed with sweat from dancing. Then he watched as the pirate moved close and rubbed up against him. “Come on, loosen up. I want you.” Him? This gorgeous male model of a man wantedhim ? Lucas felt a rush of power surge through his veins and into his cock, and as the pirate backed him up into an open stall, Lucas let him. Excitement quickened his breath and made his nerve endings pop. A voice in his mind told him to stop, but then the man was on his knees, and Lucas’s pants were open, and oh, Jesus, it was so wet and hot and this man wantedhim . Lucas felt a strange sense of otherness behind his mask as the pirate pleasured him, sucking with practiced skill. Lucas had only been with Nate, and…oh God, Nate. What the hell was he doing? He needed to stop, but his cock throbbed in the man’s mouth as his balls tightened. Reaching down, Lucas shoved the pirate’s head back, but he was too far gone and came in a rush, splashing the pirate’s face. Lucas stood awkwardly over the toilet, his shoulders against the grimy wall, and the earlier feeling of power and lust was replaced by shame. The man got to his feet, licking his lips as he wiped his face. “Thanks. Hope I’ll see you around sometime.” Lucas didn’t answer, and then the man was gone. He’d never even known his name. Lucas’s heart pounded as the reality of what he’d done set in. He quickly fixed his pants and stepped out of the stall, looking into the mirror. Nate stared back at him. Chapter Seven

Lucas shook as panic swirled through his mind and turned his legs to jelly. Nate stood beside the paper towel dispenser, his mask gone, his face etched with disbelief and hurt. Whipping his own mask off, Lucas blinked, hoping his vision would clear and Nate wouldn’t be there. That he wouldn’t know what Lucas had done.Why had he done it? Why, why?

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“Having a good time?” Nate’s tone was flat, anger coiling at the edges. “Sorry I was gone so long, but clearly you found ways to amuse yourself.” “Nate, please --” “Please what?” Nate spat. “I’m such an idiot. I trusted you!” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Lucas remained frozen on the spot, his heart thumping almost painfully. “I thought you were different. I thought you…” Nate shook his head, eyes welling with tears. This isn’t happening. It can’t be real. Lucas forced his legs to move, taking a tentative step toward Nate. “It didn’t mean anything.” It was true. He didn’t even know the guy’s name! Nate’s voice was barely above a whisper, but Lucas heard him over the muffled bass. “It means everything.” Then he was gone. Two men, attached at the tongue, entered the bathroom and stumbled into a stall. Lucas wanted to run after Nate, to make him see, to explain. Yet how could he? There was no explanation for what he’d done. Lucas had no idea where to go. He couldn’t go home. Couldn’t face Nate yet. He wandered the streets aimlessly in his ridiculous costume, buttoning the shirt up to his neck. The rented boots pinched his toes and rubbed his heels, but he trudged on. The crisp night air had turned downright cold, but Lucas ignored it. He considered calling Casey, but the thought of admitting what he’d done -- why,why ? -- turned his stomach. He couldn’t possibly say it out loud. As he walked, he replayed it all in his head. Getting a drink, meeting the pirate, dancing with him, going to the bathroom… At that thought, shame flushed his face despite the cold wind. It was as if it was someone else under the mask, someone else letting the stranger open his pants. Someone else betraying the man he loved. In the dark hours before dawn, he found himself in front of his apartment building. Nate had the keys, and Lucas didn’t know if he was even in there. Walking around to the side of the building, he peered up at their darkened window. The latch on the front door had broken the day before; Lucas had a flash of Nate complaining about the lax security and how every bum on the street could come inside. Now Lucas pulled the door open, slipping inside and pushing the elevator call button in the still silence. The elevator door clanged open, making him jump. As it lurched upward, Lucas thought he might vomit. The light in the emergency sign at the end of his hall flickered, buzzing lightly. At his apartment door, Lucas stood for a long minute, listening for sounds from within. Was Nate in there, sleeping in their bed? Would it ever betheir bed again?

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Finally, Lucas knocked softly, his knuckles whispering on the wood. He waited an eternity before knocking louder. Only silence greeted him. Some instinct told him to try the knob, and his breath caught as it turned in his hand. The streetlight illuminated the small interior as the door swung inward. Lucas entered the room and peeked over the half wall into the bed nook. The duvet was still pulled smoothly across the mattress. Lucas looked back into the living room and saw an empty space in the corner. Usually, Nate’s photography books would be piled high in that spot, his camera equipment stored beside it. As Lucas stared at the empty floorboards, he knew that Nate was well and truly gone. ***** As Lucas blearily opened his eyes, he reached out as he did every morning. However, the rest of the bed was empty, and Lucas remembered, his stomach plummeting as he realized it hadn’t been a nightmare. That it had happened. He’d cheated on Nate. The vestiges of sleep evaporated, and Lucas lay awake as the early afternoon sun brightened the living room. He needed to talk to Nate; he needed to explain. Yet when Lucas imagined what he might say, nothing came. It had felt so good to have someone like the pirate want him, and he’d ignored his conscience. There was no excuse for it. Nothing he could possibly say that would make it okay. He hadn’t thought about Nate, just himself. After hours of self-flagellation, he picked up the phone and dialed Nate’s number. Well, he dialed nine numbers of it before hanging up each time. Finally, he pressed the last number and Nate’s cell rang on the other end. Lucas’s heart pounded and he took a deep breath. With a click, Nate’s voice mail kicked in. At the sound of his voice, tears welled in Lucas’s eyes. He could recite the message along with Nate, but he was still at a loss for words when the beep sounded. “Um…hi. Look, I really need to see you. I’m so, so sorry, Nate. I don’t know what happened, but I would do anything to take it back. Please talk to me. I need --” Another beep sounded and his time was up. Lucas stared at the phone, considering whether he should call back. No, there was no point. If Nate wanted to talk to him, he’d call. By Monday, it was obvious that Nate did not, in fact, want to talk. Lucas couldn’t blame him, and he dragged himself to class in misery. He could only assume Nate had gone home to Staten Island, and since he only had an early lab on Monday, there was no reason he’d still be around the campus. Still, Lucas searched every face as he shuffled to class, hoping he might see Nate and apologize in person. Surely this couldn’t be the end, all because of one mistake? Yet even as Lucas hoped it wasn’t, in Nate’s shoes he wouldn’t want to see himself either. As Lucas surveyed the crowd of students bustling through the corridor, he walked right into Casey. “Dude! Keep your eyes on the road.”

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Lucas couldn’t manage a smile. “Sorry. Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Are you? You look like you were up all night. Big weekend?” Big weekend indeed. “You could say that.” “Come on, let’s grab a coffee.” “We’ll be late for class.” “You don’t look like you’re in any condition for a lecture on Fitzgerald.” Casey steered him through the crowd, and Lucas didn’t object. Caffeine couldn’t hurt. At the nearby campus café, they sat at a table in the back, surrounded by chattering students. Lucas regretted coming to school in the first place. What if Nate went to the apartment to talk to him and he wasn’t there? “Earth to Lucas.” Casey waved his hand. “You in there?” “Sorry. Just thinking.” Lucas swallowed a gulp of coffee, wincing as it burned his mouth. “About?” Lucas didn’t reply. He didn’t think he could say it out loud. It would make it all the more real. “Hey, I’m sorry. If you don’t want to talk, that’s cool. You just look upset.” “I did a terrible thing.” The words rushed out before Lucas could change his mind. “Okay.” Casey’s eyebrows arched on his round, warm face. “Want me to guess?” “I screwed up.” Lucas rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he wanted to say it out loud. Casey waited patiently, stirring his coffee. Finally he said, “Look, you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to talk, I’ll listen.” “Thanks.” He took a sip of his coffee, wincing as the hot liquid burned the roof of his mouth. “I made a big mistake, Casey.” Lucas’s stomach churned once more at the thought of the dirty bathroom and the pirate on his knees. The shock and hurt on Nate’s face. “Lay it on me. I can take it.” “I cheated on Nate.” The words came out in a rush, and Lucas’s cheeks burned as he waited for Casey to condemn him. “Oh. Well, it happens to the best of us. I mean, we’re in college.” “That’s it? You’re not going to tell me what a horrible person I am?” Casey laughed. “No, you’re my friend. Look, it wasn’t your finest hour, but mistakes happen. Nate will

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forgive you. You’re not in love with this other guy, are you?” “No! I don’t even know his name.” “You vixen.” Lucas grimaced, and Casey relented. “Sorry, I shouldn’t joke. I know you’re upset. So how did it happen?” Lucas quietly relayed the story of how he met the mystery man at the club and ended up in the bathroom stall with him. He glanced around at the neighboring tables, making sure no one was listening. “Well, I never would have left a babe like you alone for a second in the lion’s den.” “It’s not Nate’s fault!” Lucas felt a rush of protectiveness. “I’m the one who cheated. I’m the one who screwed everything up.” “How long have you two been together?” Casey offered one of his cookies, but Lucas wanted to vomit at the thought. “Since last December.” Memories of Hanukkah flooded his mind: Nate’s old room with its twin beds, the darkroom closet, the shower… He snapped to attention in time to hear part of Casey’s next question. “…other people?” “Huh?” “I said, you don’t have an agreement to see other people? No tricks?” “No! Why would we? I don’t want anyone else, and neither does he.”Or does he ? The nagging voice in Lucas’s head asked the question all the time. “How many other guys have you been with? Besides Nate?” Lucas shrugged, embarrassed. “No one. I mean, except the guy the other night.” He wanted to add that it didn’t count, but he knew it did. “Seriously?” Studying the scuffed table, Lucas shrugged again. “I know, I’m lame.” “No, no.” Casey reached out and put his hand on Lucas’s forearm. He squeezed gently. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just so cute. I’m surprised, that’s all.” “Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say. “I’m sure Nate will forgive you. It’s understandable you’d be curious about other guys, right?” “But that wasn’t even it. I mean, it was a bit, but…he wasn’t even my type. It was…I don’t know.” Lucas tried to put it into words. “It was the way it made me feel. The fact that this god of a man wanted me. It was a good feeling. Powerful, you know?”

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“So, Nate doesn’t make you feel wanted?” “No! I mean, yes! He does. I guess I just feel like it’s a fluke or something. Like one day he’ll wake up and realize that he could do so much better.” “Not possible.” “Come on. What’s so special about me?” “There’s plenty special about you. You’re smart. You’re cute. You’ve got a sweet ass.” Lucas sputtered and choked on his coffee. “What?” “See, I made you smile.” Casey grinned. “But seriously, you’re a great guy. Okay, you made a mistake. But if Nate can’t get over it, then it’s his loss.” As Lucas finished his coffee, he couldn’t help but feel that the loss was entirely his. ***** Lucas opened the door and his heart skipped a beat. Nate stood a few feet away with a T-shirt in his hand and a large duffel bag at his feet. Two of the dresser drawers were open. “Nate.” Lucas closed the door behind him and cast about for something to say. “I…” “Don’t bother, okay? I don’t want to hear how sorry you are.” Nate turned back to the dresser and continued yanking his clothes out. “But I am! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened --” “Do you want a refresher? Let me see, I think what happened is that you hooked up with some random guy the minute I turned my back.” He exhaled sharply. “I should have known better. I should never have let this go beyond a casual fuck. I told you when we met that relationships aren’t for me. I guess they’re not for you either.” A tight band squeezed Lucas’s chest. “Nate, please. I know I screwed up. I wish it had never happened.” “Why? It certainly looked like you enjoyed yourself. I’m sure the -- what was he, a pirate, or something? Yeah, I’m sure the pirate sucked cock like a champion.” Lucas didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.” “No, it’s good it happened.” Nate slammed one of the drawers. “Good?” “Yeah, it was just the wake-up call we needed. We were being ridiculous, Lucas. Playing house and pretending that, what? We’re going to live happily ever after? Please.” “It’s not pretend. Nate, I lo --”

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“Don’t.” Nate shook his head sharply. “I don’t enjoy being made a fool of.” “Nate, please…” “How many other guys have there been? You know, I actually understand it. You want to explore, you want to see what’s out there. I get it. But don’t lie to me and tell me you want a boyfriend.” “Wait, what? There hasn’t been anyone else! I swear. It was just that one guy. I would never do that to you.” Nate snorted. “It’s okay, you can stop lying. Have you been screwing your pal Casey too?” “No!” A flash of anger sparked to life. “I’ve told you a hundred times, Casey’s only a friend.” “Why should I believe you?” Lucas wished he had a good answer. “Because it’s true! The other night, it was just…” “What?” “I couldn’t believe that guy wanted me. Me. It felt so amazing and I got carried away. I wish to God it hadn’t happened.” Nate’s face creased in confusion. “Why wouldn’t he want you?” “I don’t know why anyone would!” The words hung in the air, and Nate’s jaw clenched. “What the hell does that say about me? I guess I’m a real loser for wanting to be with you. For giving up other guys.” “No, that’s not what I meant.” Lucas didn’t know how to make him understand. He didn’t even understand it himself. “So you need other guys to feel wanted because I’m not enough. Maybe you just don’t want me anymore.” “No!” Lucas threw his hands up. “Of course I want you! It’s not that. Believe me, it’s not. I keep waiting for you to wake up and realize that you could do way better than me.” Bending down, Nate picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Well, I guess you’re right.” He jerked open the door. “I’ll come back for the rest later.” “Wait, it can’t be over just like that.Please .” “You did us both a favor, Lucas. This was a mistake to begin with.” He smiled grimly. “Don’t worry, you won’t be single for long.” Lucas sat on the floor, his shoulders shaking as the tears came. Chapter Eight

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“Okay, what are you doing this weekend?” Casey opened his knapsack and tossed his notebook inside as students filed out of the lecture hall. Lucas shrugged. He’d barely paid attention in class and the most he could think about doing was perhaps having a nap. “Dunno. Nothing, I guess.” “Wrong, McKenzie. You’re going to help me study for this test next week.” He hadn’t even given the test a second thought. Nor had he read two of the necessary books. “I don’t think I’ll be much help.” Lucas scraped his chair back and slung his bag across his chest. “Come on, man. I’m a jock. This English stuff is not my forte.” “I haven’t even read all the books.” They headed down the stairs, following their straggling classmates. “So we’ll get the CliffsNotes. Two heads are better than one, right? Besides, you’ve spent a week moping around that apartment. Come mope around mine for a change of scenery at the very least.” Lucas chuckled despite himself. “Yeah, okay.” “Cool.” Casey opened his knapsack and tore a piece of paper from his notebook, then scrawled on it before handing it to Lucas. “See you Saturday at seven.” He glanced at his watch. “Gotta run. Later!” Lucas waved, stuffing the paper in his pocket. ***** Turning his key, Lucas realized the apartment door was already unlocked. He cautiously edged it open, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Nate kneeling by the futon, going through a stack of papers. The relief that there was no intruder quickly turned to apprehension. “Um, hey.” Lucas closed the door and dropped his book bag. Nate didn’t look up. “I’ll be done soon. I didn’t think you’d be here.” “I skipped my American history class. Wasn’t in the mood.” Nate grunted a response and continued leafing through the stack of paper. Lucas felt silly standing there, so he toed his shoes off and walked around to the end of the bed. He sat down and watched Nate for a minute. “You can just pretend I’m not here.” Nate still didn’t look up. Yeah, right. “Nate, this is your apartment too. You can stay as long as you want.” At this, Nate finally met his eyes. “Itwas my apartment.” He got to his feet. “I should go. Are you going to be in class tomorrow? I’ll come back and clean out the rest of my stuff then.”

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“Nate, can we just…” Lucas wished he knew what to say. “What? Lucas, it’s for the best. We were kidding ourselves.” “That’s not true.” Nate’s eyes blazed. “Yes, it is. This is why I never had a boyfriend before. Relationships don’t last. You just end up hurting each other. It’s not worth it.” “It doesn’t have to be like that.” “But it is, Lucas. Look at us. It was inevitable.” “So, that’s it? We just never see each other again?” Nate shrugged and turned away, walking into the kitchen. He opened and closed each cupboard in turn, taking nothing out. “What did you tell your parents?” Lucas swallowed hard over the sudden lump in his throat. The Kramers had been so good to him, and he’d started to feel as if he was one of the family. That was all over now. “That I missed being at home. That you were driving me crazy and I needed my own space again. I didn’t really need to tell them anything; my mother was more than happy to have me back.” Nate’s voice was flat. Lucas thought of Nate’s room, with its twin beds and childhood relics. “I’m sorry.” With a sudden slam, Nate closed another cupboard. “Stop saying that. Stop trying to make me feel guilty.” “I’m not! I’m trying to tell you how I feel.” Rising from the end of the bed, Lucas walked the few feet into the living room. “I’m the one who’s guilty.” “Yeah, you’re damn right.” Nate stalked toward him, nostrils flaring. “I changed my whole life for you!” He shook his head. “Everything was fine before you came. I should never have let myself get carried away.” “Nate, it wasn’t fine. You weren’t happy. Look, no matter what happens with us, don’t tell me you regret changing your major. Even if you don’t have the balls to tell your parents.” “Don’t. It’s none of your business, Lucas. You don’t understand.” He shook his head again. “Everything was fine, but now it’s all wrong.” Lucas hung his head. “I’m sor --” With a burst of anger, Nate grabbed the front of Lucas’s shirt, fist tight. “Stop saying that! It doesn’t change anything!” Breathing heavily as they stared at each other, the air became electric. Lucas opened his mouth to respond, and Nate cut him off, crushing their lips together. As Nate’s fingers tangled painfully in Lucas’s

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hair, Lucas kissed him back, surrendering to the onslaught. Their tongues clashed, teeth knocking together. A rush of blood went straight to Lucas’s cock, his nerve endings on fire as he tasted Nate’s mouth again. However, when he put his arms around Nate, Nate jerked back, still holding Lucas’s head in his hands. Nate’s chest heaved, and he swallowed thickly. “Nate. Please.” Stepping back, Nate’s hands fell away. He shook his head, and in a few quick steps he was gone, the door thudding closed behind him. Nate hadn’t taken anything he’d come for. ***** Saturday night arrived before he knew it, the day having passed in a haze of nothingness. Lucas felt as if he was sleepwalking now, each day blending into the next as he went through the motions, wishing he could see Nate. He’d come close to canceling the Saturday night plans, but maybe Casey was right; he needed to get out of the apartment. Casey’s place was nearby in the Village, and Lucas walked in the damp and chilly November air. Casey lived in a three-story walk-up next to a Laundromat and a convenience store. Lucas popped into the store to buy a few bags of chips for the study session. Casey buzzed him into the building and he walked up to the second floor. Casey poked his head out of his apartment, which was halfway down the hall. “Over here.” He smiled and ushered Lucas inside. It was a small two-bedroom with a galley kitchen on the right and the two bedrooms and a bathroom on the other side down a short hallway. The living room lay in between, decorated with modern art posters, blue paint, and Ikea furniture. Casey swept his arm broadly. “Welcome to my palatial home. Tours commence every hour on the hour. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the gardens.” Laughing, Lucas played along. “Yes, yes, I look forward to the reflecting pool. I hear it’s stunning.” “A marvel to behold.” “Is your roommate lounging on the terrace?” “No, he’s out at an exclusive beer tasting.” Casey clapped his hands. “Speaking of which, let me get you a beverage. Make yourself at home.” Lucas unlaced his sneakers and put them beside the door, hanging his coat on a hook there. The faded brown couch was comfortable and Lucas and Casey settled in with their books and snacks. For a couple of hours, they talked and drank and ate, discussing plots and characters and taking notes when necessary. Lucas found himself smiling and laughing, and he was surprised to realize he was enjoying himself. He had a pleasant beer buzz, and spending time with Casey was just soeasy .

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It was after one o’clock when Lucas looked at the time. “I should go and let you get to bed.” “It’s okay.” Casey put his beer down on the glass-topped coffee table. “You can stay here if you want.” “Stay here?” “Sure, on the couch. Or with me.” Casey ran his finger up Lucas’s arm, making him shiver. As if a switch had been flipped, the atmosphere changed. Lucas swallowed hard. “With you?” “It’s pretty obvious that I like you. No strings, okay?” “You like me?” Nate’s earlier suspicions ran through Lucas’s head. Had Casey really liked him all this time? “But…how?” Lucas’s brain was fuzzy. “How do I like you?” Casey grinned and leaned in close, his voice low, hand gliding up Lucas’s thigh. “Well, I’d like you spread-eagled on my bed.” Lust surged through Lucas, and he sucked in a breath.No, this was wrong. Wasn’t it ? “But…Nate. I can’t…” Casey sucked on Lucas’s neck, his hand stroking Lucas through his jeans. “Last time I checked, Nate broke up with you. You’re free to fuck whoever you want.” It was true, but thoughts of Nate still ran riot through his mind. Then Casey was kissing him, and Lucas didn’t think anymore. Casey led him into the bedroom, stripping Lucas’s clothing off as they went. Lucas lay back on the double bed, watching as Casey pulled his polo shirt over his head. His chest was golden and hairless, his six-pack rippling. With firm hands, he spread Lucas’s legs and then he was sucking him, his mouth hot and wet, his nose buried in Lucas’s pubic hair as he took Lucas deep into his throat. Lucas closed his eyes, sensation overtaking him as Casey’s mouth and tongue worked him. Reaching up, Casey pinched Lucas’s nipples, sending another surge of blood straight to his dick. Casey lifted Lucas’s ass and lapped at his balls, sending sparks of pleasure to the tips of Lucas’s toes. He moaned as Casey worked away, and he came all over his chest, long spurts sticking to his skin. Chuckling, Casey kissed him, and Lucas tasted himself. He’d never kissed another man besides Nate, and it felt wrong, in a way. Yet he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed it, that Casey was hot and sexy and certainly knew what he was doing in bed. “Can I do you?” Casey’s hard cock nudged Lucas’s thigh. A million thoughts ran through Lucas’s mind in that moment.Yes. No. Maybe . In the end, he nodded and moved onto his hands and knees, not wanting the intimacy of a face-to-face position. It was over with Nate, and Lucas needed to move on. Casey’s slick fingers probed his ass, stretching him. Casey rooted around in the bedside drawer for a condom. When Casey entered him, his large body

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covered Lucas, his strong hands on his hips. Casey’s cock was thicker and shorter than Nate’s, and he fucked with a different rhythm. Nate had played Lucas’s body as if it was a violin, but Casey’s staccato thrusts were more workmanlike and didn’t satisfy Lucas. Casey grunted as he worked Lucas’s ass, rocking in and out until he shook and fell on top of him. With a groan, he pulled out, and Lucas lengthened his limbs, stretching his legs. The bed dipped as Casey returned from the bathroom, and he patted Lucas’s ass affectionately and kissed him. “Even better than I thought it would be.” With that, Casey curled up beside him and fell asleep. Lucas rolled over and counted the cracks in the ceiling as the hours ticked by. ***** Lucas had just finished filling the kitchen sink with soapy water on Sunday afternoon when he heard the knock. He quickly tossed the dishes into the sink to soak and dried his wet hands on a dish towel before peering through the peephole. Blinking in surprise, he took a deep breath and then turned the knob. Mr. Kramer stood in the hallway. He smiled. “Hello, Lucas.” Lucas swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Hi, Mr. Kramer. Is there…um…come in.” He stood aside. What the hell was he doing here? “Thank you.” Mr. Kramer slipped his long coat off, and Lucas carefully laid it on the bed. “Can I get you something to drink?” “Some water would be fine, thank you.” Nate’s father sat down on one end of the futon. Lucas quickly washed and dried a glass, since he’d let the dishes pile up for days on end and the cupboard was empty. His hands shook with nerves as he poured the water from the Brita filter. In the living room, he handed Mr. Kramer the water and perched on the other end of the couch. “Did you come to pick something up for Nate?” “No, I wanted to speak to you.” “Oh.” Lucas cleared his throat. “So is there something I can do for you?” Mr. Kramer took a sip of water and carefully placed the glass back on the coaster. He crossed his legs and smoothed the cardigan he was wearing. “You can tell me what happened between you and Nate.” “Um.” Jesus, what was he supposed to say? “You know, it was just too crowded here. It’s no big deal.” “So that’s why my son’s moping around his room and acting as if he’s lost his best friend?” “I don’t…I’m sure…” Lucas had no idea what to say.Nate was moping? Did that mean he missed Lucas as much as Lucas missed him?

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“I’ve never seen him like this. So brokenhearted.” Lucas’s heart skipped a beat. There was no way Nate’s dad knew the truth about them. He couldn’t. Right? Mr. Kramer regarded him evenly. “I’m well aware that you and my son were much more than roommates, Lucas.” Oh, shit. He exhaled a shaky breath. “You…you know?” “Of course. I’m not blind, Lucas. I saw the change in Nate after you stayed with us for the holidays. Oh, how he missed you once you were gone. I’d suspected for quite some time that he might be gay, but seeing him with you made everything click into place.” “I-I don’t know what to say.” “He’s still pretending, of course. Pretending in so many ways.” He sighed. “I wish he’d come to me. Be honest. Tell me what’s really in his heart.” Again, Lucas had nothing to say. “My son will never be a lawyer. Nor will he marry a nice girl from temple and settle down and have babies.” Mr. Kramer smiled ruefully. “It will be quite an adjustment for Deanna to make, I’m afraid.” Lucas could only imagine that was an understatement. After a few moments of silence, he asked, “How did you know? About law school, I mean?” “He seemed to be enjoying school so much, which sadly raised my suspicions. I called the registrar’s office and asked for a copy of the tuition receipt. Told them we’d lost it and needed it for our taxes.” “Oh. Um, clever.” “I should have just paid attention when we paid the tuition in the first place. Nate knew we wouldn’t. Too busy with so many other things, I suppose.” He sounded disgusted with himself. “Sam always took up so much of our attention. I should have worked harder to make sure Nate wasn’t neglected.” “You didn’t neglect him. You’re a great father.” Lucas thought he and Nate had both gotten lucky. “Oh, Nate always had clothes on his back and food in his stomach, but he hid in the background and we let him too much of the time. I regret it. And I don’t want to keep on repeating my mistakes. I want to know my son.Really know him.” “I wish I could help. I do.” “I know, Lucas. I appreciate that, and I’m sorry things have turned out this way.” “So, Nate obviously doesn’t know you’re here.” “Oh, no. I’m afraid he wouldn’t be very happy with me if he knew I’d tried to interfere. But I hate seeing him so unhappy. And you, Lucas. Are you happy being apart? Is this for the best?”

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Lucas shook his head miserably. Sure, he had fun with Casey. Yet it was nothing compared to what he had shared with Nate. “It was all my fault.” “In my experience, things are rarely the fault of only one person in a relationship.” “That’s nice of you to say, but in this case, it was totally my fault. I-I made a huge mistake. I don’t blame Nate at all for leaving.” “We all make mistakes in our lives, Lucas.” “Not like this. I really messed up. I wish I could change it, but he won’t even talk to me.” Taking another sip of water, Mr. Kramer sighed again. “My son has never been very good at forgiveness. But don’t give up on him.” “I don’t think he’ll ever trust me again.” Lucas couldn’t believe he was actually talking about this with Nate’s dad. It was surreal, to say the least. He was sure Mr. Kramer could take an educated guess at what had happened. “Try talking to him again. He seems less angry than he was when he first returned home. Now he’s just sad.” Guilt overwhelmed Lucas once more. If he hadn’t been so insecure and foolish, he and Nate would still be together. Instead, Lucas was dating Casey -- or whatever it was they were doing -- and nothing in his life felt as it should. “Well.” Mr. Kramer stood. “Thank you for the hospitality. I should be getting back home, or Deanna will wonder where I’ve gotten to.” Lucas sprang up and fetched Mr. Kramer’s coat. He held it out. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help. I wish I could.” “Lucas, if you ever need anything, you know where we are. You’re always welcome in our home.” Tears sprang in Lucas’s eyes, and he blinked rapidly, looking away. “Thank you.” Mr. Kramer squeezed his shoulder kindly before leaving. Lucas retreated to his bed and stared at the ceiling, the dishes now long forgotten. Chapter Nine

Peering into the lecture hall, Lucas half hoped Casey wouldn’t be there. Yet there he was, waving and saving a seat for Lucas as usual. Lucas forced a smile onto his face and moved his legs up the stairs. “Hey!” Casey grinned. “Hey.” Lucas sat down and smiled back. Under the desk, Casey reached over and caressed Lucas’s thigh.

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“Good to see you.” Casey squeezed lightly. “Yeah, it is.” Lucas was saved from saying anything else by the arrival of the professor, who immediately launched into his lecture. It had been two days since Lucas had woken up in Casey’s bed. He’d made an excuse and left as quickly as possible. He wasn’t sure how to feel about Casey, or about having sex with him. He liked Casey, he did. Casey was nice and cute and fun to be around. But he wasn’t Nate. Lucas zoned out during the class, scratching illegible notes about nothing when he should have been listening to the review the professor was conducting before their upcoming test. Instead, Lucas chewed over the same questions he’d been pondering for days. Was he dating Casey now? What would Casey expect from him? Was Casey hisboyfriend? Lucas felt guilty and disloyal even thinking it. He wasn’t even sure that was what he wanted. The class ended far too soon, and he was faced with talking to Casey, who smiled and nudged him with his shoulder as they walked out of class. “You okay? You seem kind of spacey.” “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I’m tired from studying.” “You wanna get together later? I could come over to your place.” “No!” The thought of having anyone else in the place that had been his and Nate’s felt wrong. Lucas tried to gather himself. “I mean, it’s a mess. You wouldn’t want to see it, believe me.” “Okay. I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything.” He shrugged. “Look, it’s cool. We don’t have to hang out anymore if you don’t want to.” Great, now Lucas was hurting Casey too. “No, no. I just have a lot on my mind. It’s not you. Of course I want to see you.” He reached down and took Casey’s hand, squeezing it. “Yeah? Okay, so how about dinner tonight? You could use a break.” “Sounds good.” “You sure you’re okay? You seem stressed.” He cupped Lucas’s face with his other hand. “Well, isn’t this touching?” Lucas jerked at the sound of Nate’s voice, staggering back from Casey. Nate stood a few feet away, his camera bag hanging from his shoulder and his favorite scarf knotted around his neck. He was beautiful. He was also angry. Lucas could feel the black energy surging from him. Nate smiled grimly. “Don’t you two make a cute couple?” “Nate, it’s not…we’re not…”

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“Coulda fooled me. Oh wait, you already did.” Lucas wanted to scream that it wasn’t true, that Casey meant nothing, that Nate was the only one he wanted. Yet he simply stood and stared in silence. Nate directed his next comment to Casey. “He’s all yours.” With that, he turned on his heel and disappeared into the crowd of students moving across the campus. “Whoa. Bitter, much?” Casey shook his head. Lucas felt an absurd surge of irritation. “He has every right to be. You don’t know him at all.” How could he blame Nate for thinking his suspicions had been proven correct? They had, hadn’t they? Casey raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t like seeing anyone yell at you like that.” He took Lucas’s hand, stroking it gently. “Come on, let me make you feel better. Let’s go back to my place.” Lucas didn’t say anything, but let Casey lead him away. ***** Days passed in a blur of sameness. Lucas went through the motions of school and studying and hanging out with Casey and his friends. He laughed at their jokes and had a good enough time, but he still returned to an empty apartment every night. On Friday night, Lucas found himself on the subway with Casey, Manhattan far behind them. The train rumbled through a tunnel and the lights flickered off. Lucas peered around the sudden darkness nervously, and Casey squeezed his leg. “The night train to Brooklyn is always an adventure.” The lights returned and Casey grinned. “Don’t worry, they never stay off for long. Well, not usually.” “Thanks, that’s very reassuring.” “Our stop is next. Assuming the train doesn’t break down and we don’t have to walk through the tunnels to get out. The rats don’t usually like the company.” Casey leaned close. “But you’re so cute that I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.” “Ha ha.” The train groaned loudly as it navigated a curve in the tunnel. “Remind me again why we’re going to a party way out at the edge of Brooklyn?” The subway rattled into the station, and Casey bounded up. “I’m broadening your horizons.” He winked and led the way out onto the platform and up the stairs. Cold rain fell in large splats on Lucas’s forehead, and he shivered as they walked for what seemed like miles but was probably four blocks. They turned down a quiet residential street and Casey guided him to a ramshackle house with a yellow light shining in its alley of a driveway. After going around back, they went down a short flight of stairs that led to a basement door. Casey knocked as Lucas wondered yet again what the hell they were doing. After a few moments, a man opened the door. He nodded at Casey in recognition, and with a tug on Lucas’s arm, they were inside. Lucas blinked as his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. After the damp chill of outside, the air in the basement was humid and warm, probably due to the fact that there were dozens

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of men squeezed into the underground space. Dozens of half -- and some completely -- naked men. Lucas felt both excitement and an undercurrent of alarm as he stared around him in shock. A few feet away, a man on his knees sucked off a man standing in front of him, who in turn was being fucked by a third. Everywhere Lucas looked, similar tableaus unfolded. Casey took his coat off and threw it on a pile in a closet. His shirt quickly followed, and Lucas felt conspicuously overdressed. He took his coat off, but kept his shirt on. Casey’s fingers danced up his spine. “Ready to have some fun?” Yes. No. Maybe?“Do you come to these kinds of parties a lot?” “Once in a while.” Casey pulled Lucas close, kissing him. “Relax, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s supposed to be fun.” “Fun, right.” Lucas gazed around and saw sweaty flesh in every direction. “I’m sorry. Is this too much for you? We can go.” “No, no. It’s cool.” “You sure?” Casey smiled and kissed him again, and Lucas nodded. A tall black man who wore nothing but a cock ring approached and kissed Casey long and hard. Lucas shuffled his feet and waited for them to finish. He realized with surprise that he didn’t feel even a flicker of jealousy. He was simply uncomfortable. Casey put his arm around the man’s shoulders. “Grant, this is Lucas.” Grant put his hand out and Lucas shook it, trying not to think about where that hand had been. Grant eyed Lucas up and down with a slow grin. “Pleasureto meet you.” “Lucas is new, so go easy.” Casey smiled reassuringly at Lucas before turning back to Grant. “Hey, is Joel here? I haven’t seen him in ages.” “He’s in the back. Come on. And bring your friend.” Grant smiled, licking his lips. Lucas shook his head quickly. “You go on and see your friend. I’ll be fine.” “Okay. Don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone.” Casey slapped Lucas’s ass playfully and disappeared into the recesses of the basement. Lucas felt exposed standing there alone, but he was pretty sure he didn’t want to see what was in the back. Instead, he detoured into a dank kitchen. A few couples in various positions huddled in the corners of the room, and Lucas tried not to stare. He failed miserably. One man smiled and beckoned him over, but Lucas ducked around the fridge, wrinkling his nose at the stench. He shuddered to think of what food products might have been left to rot inside. A half-open door on the other side of the kitchen led to another room, and Lucas’s heart pounded as he

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slipped through it. He stood in darkness, his stare fixed on the far wall fifteen feet away in the narrow room. A single spotlight illuminated the wall, leaving the rest of the space in shadow. Restraints hung from the low ceiling, and a naked young man faced the wall, his arms and legs outstretched in a star position. His wrists were manacled to the ceiling, his ankles restrained to the low carpeted platform he stood on. His muscles flexed as the polished wooden paddle connected with his ass, and Lucas jumped. The man on the platform didn’t make a sound, and sweat trickled from his short reddish hair and down his spine. The older man holding the paddle, who wore chaps and a black mask, swung it again, smacking it against the young man’s flesh. Lucas gulped, and it was so loud to his own ears that he quickly glanced around guiltily. However, the audience for the performance was riveted to the stage. The paddle veered through the air again, landing another stinging blow. This time, the young man in the restraints made a noise, but Lucas recognized the pleasure in his cry. Lucas wiped his brow, taking a deep breath. He was rock hard and straining against the fly of his jeans. As the paddle found its target again, a man to Lucas’s right, a figure he couldn’t quite make out in the darkness, groaned in satisfaction as he shook with release. Suddenly arms encircled Lucas from behind, and he swallowed a girlish scream. Casey’s hand squeezed Lucas’s engorged dick, and he chuckled. “Like what you see? I’d be happy to tie you up and punish you. You’ve been a very bad boy, after all.” The low ceiling seemed to sink closer, and the dank air smelled of sex and sweat. Lucas tried to catch his breath and found he couldn’t. He shoved Casey away, shaking his head. He had to get out of there. He tripped through the door and barreled into the kitchen and out to the main hallway, ignoring Casey’s calls for him to stop. Stepping over a tangle of men, Lucas found the door and clambered up the stairs into the night. Rain pelted his face, but he sucked in the cool night air gratefully as he hurried away from the rundown house. Down the block, he dodged between two sleeping houses. In the darkness of the narrow driveway, he leaned against the brick wall of one of the houses and caught his breath. He hadn’t thought to grab his jacket, and goose bumps covered his bare arms. The rain fell steadily, chilling him to the bone. But there was no way he could go back to the party, so he’d have to freeze. There was also no way he could make it to the subway station with his enormous hard-on. After a moment of debate, Lucas unzipped his fly. He had to bite his lip to keep himself quiet as he wrapped his hand around his throbbing cock. He jerked himself swiftly, thinking of the mystery man in the basement. He tipped his head back against the brick, swallowing some rainwater as his mouth dropped open. He squeezed his cock, his thumb brushing across his slit. Then Lucas imagined it was him up on that stage, his arms and legs spread, his body and soul exposed. Nate stood naked and powerful behind him, the paddle flying through the air. Lucas exploded with pleasure, long, ropy strands of semen splattering his chin. His knees shook, and he slumped against the wall. After the pleasure ebbed away, the chill returned, and he quickly tucked himself back into his jeans, wiping away all the evidence he could.

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***** The third time Casey called the next morning, Lucas picked up. “Hey.” “Hey! I was worried. Are you okay? You just kind of bolted.” “Yeah, I’m fine. I wasn’t feeling well.” “Look, I’m sorry if that scene freaked you out. It was just supposed to be fun, not traumatizing.” Casey added a weak laugh. “I’m not traumatized,” Lucas snapped. “I told you, I wasn’t feeling well.” “Okay, sorry.” There were a few long moments of silence, and Lucas listened to Casey breathing. He felt a stab of guilt for being so harsh. “Look, it’s cool. I didn’t mean to worry you.” “Let me make it up to you. I’ll make dinner, and I promise we won’t go to any dodgy basements in Brooklyn.” Lucas smiled. “Deal.” Later that evening, he relaxed on Casey’s couch after receiving both lasagna and a blowjob. He listened to Casey in the kitchen doing the dishes and made himself get up to help. In the small room, he grabbed a dish towel and started drying. Not knowing where any of the dishes went, he stacked them on the counter. “So, where are you going this weekend?” Casey squirted another shot of dish soap into the sink. Adding a small plate to his pile, Lucas frowned, puzzled. “Why would I be going somewhere?” “Duh, it’s Thanksgiving.” Lucas realized with a sinking heart that Casey was right. It had utterly slipped his mind. “No, I’m not going anywhere.” “Aren’t you going to see your family?” Obviously Casey assumed Lucas had one. Lucas hadn’t told him his father had been his only family. “Nah. I’m just going to stay here and get some studying done. I have a huge essay that’s due next week.” “Family’s a pain in the ass anyway, right? If I could get out of it, I would. I’ve gotta take the bus to Cleveland and then spend three days with my sister’s bratty kids.” Lucas dried a glass methodically. “Yeah, it’ll be nice not to have to deal with that,” he lied. “You should go to the party Kurt’s having. It’s going to be major. Tons of hot guys will be there.” Casey waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “You should go pick one up and have fun. Or hell, pick two up.”

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Lucas smiled uneasily. “You wouldn’t mind?” Casey wanted him to go pick up some random guy. Or guys. “Why would I mind?” Casey looked at him and his smile dropped a bit. “Hey, you know we’re not, like, serious, right? I love hanging out with you, but we’re not acouple . I’m way too young for commitment.” “Oh, no, I know!” Lucas picked up a plate and dried it vigorously. “I was just making sure. That we’re on the same page and everything.” He felt foolish, and his cheeks burned. Of course they weren’t exclusive. “Okay, great. I wouldn’t want you pining away all on your lonesome.” He grinned and plunged the casserole dish into the soapy water. “This one’s got to soak. Whatever will we do to keep ourselves busy in the meantime?” Lucas laughed and played along, and tried not to think. ***** Pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, Lucas reached into his pocket for the crumpled piece of paper with Kurt’s address. Judging by the music and laughter he could hear coming from one of the upper floors in the small walk-up building, he was in the right place. After studiously avoiding everything associated with Thanksgiving -- turkey, pumpkin pie, football on TV -- by holing up his apartment, Lucas had decided to take Casey’s advice and go have some fun. It was Friday night and the weekend still stretched out before him. At least he was getting outside for a bit. Lucas tried not to think about what Nate and the Kramers were doing, but it was like trying not to think of a pink elephant. He imagined them playing Scrabble or watching a movie together while Mrs. Kramer fed them more food than they could possibly ever eat. “What’s so funny?” Lucas snapped to attention and found a cute guy standing a few feet away on the sidewalk. “Huh?” “You’re just standing there smiling to yourself.” He brushed his bangs away from his eyes. He was tall and dark haired and had cheekbones that could cut glass. “Oh, I was just thinking about something. Sorry.” Lucas had no idea why he was apologizing. “I’m Ethan.” He extended his hand. Lucas took it and smiled. “Lucas. Nice to meet you.” “You here for Kurt’s party?” “Yeah, I am, actually. I was just…” Lucas tried to think of something that sounded better than saying he was working up the courage to go inside. Thankfully, Ethan saved him the trouble. “Come on, it’s freezing out here.” He clapped Lucas on the shoulder and led the way up to the party.

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The small, fifth-floor apartment was crammed to the gills with college students. The crowd seemed mixed, although Lucas spotted a lesbian couple kissing in the corner and a couple of guys getting cozy by the microwave. Ethan seemed to know a lot of the people, and he introduced Lucas around and saved him from being a wallflower. Lucas found himself actually enjoying himself, and the wine and beer went down easily. Two rounds of Jell-O shooters later, he was feeling rather light-headed. As Lucas waited in line for the bathroom, Ethan appeared and tugged on his elbow. “Come on, there’s another bathroom through Kurt’s bedroom.” Kurt’s bedroom was occupied by a couple of indeterminate gender who were groaning on top of the pile of coats. Ethan and Lucas giggled and scurried into the tiny bathroom, quickly shutting the door before they turned on the light. “You go first,” Ethan offered. Lucas said thanks and self-consciously unzipped his pants. He stood in front of the toilet and waited. Of course, nothing happened, and Lucas felt like an idiot. He really did have to go, but standing there with Ethan watching him, his bladder refused to cooperate. “Want me to turn on the tap?” Ethan laughed. “Here.” He twisted the faucet. Thankfully, it worked, and Lucas sighed with relief. After he zipped up, he left the water running while Ethan took his turn. Glancing in the mirror above the sink, Lucas realized he had a clear view of Ethan’s dick. And what a view it was. Lucas tore his gaze upward and met Ethan’s eyes in the mirror. Lucas stammered. “Sorry. I, um, I didn’t mean to…” He waved his hand around uselessly. Laughing, Ethan flushed the toilet and turned around, his cock still hanging out. “Why do you think I brought you in here?” Then they were kissing, and Lucas was pressed up against the bathroom door. He and Ethan rubbed against each other, and it wasn’t long before Lucas’s pants were undone and Ethan had both their cocks gripped in his hand, rubbing them together as they made out. They both got off with just the handjob and afterward crept back through Kurt’s bedroom to the party. Lucas did a few more shots and Ethan wrote his number on Lucas’s palm with a pen from some girl’s purse. The next morning, Lucas stared at his hand as he lay in bed. Ethan was a nice guy, and they’d had fun at the party. He was gorgeous, and funny, and there was really only one thing wrong with him. Lucas rolled to the end of the bed and walked the two steps into the bathroom. Lathering up the soap, he washed his hands thoroughly, rinsing away Ethan’s number. ***** Late for class, Lucas hurried into the arts building. He’d almost reached his sociology classroom when he spotted Nate. Lucas hesitated for only a moment before he abandoned all thoughts of going to the

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lecture. He followed Nate through the hustle and bustle of the corridor, gaining on him as Nate approached the library. Lucas wasn’t even sure why he was following him, but he felt a magnetic pull. Inside the library, Nate waited a minute in line to use one of the catalog computers. Lucas hovered by the check-out desk, pretending to peruse a brochure. Now wearing his reading glasses, Nate tapped at the keyboard briefly before heading into the stacks. Lucas followed after a few moments. Endless rows of books awaited, and he had no idea where Nate had gone. Besides, this was ridiculous behavior, he told himself. He was about to leave when he heard Nate’s sharp tone. “You’re stalking me now?” Lucas turned to find Nate, arms crossed, waiting for his response. “No! I mean, I guess. I didn’t mean to.” Nate barked out an incredulous laugh. “You never ‘mean to,’ do you?” “Shh!” A stern-faced woman approached. “Lower your voices or take it outside.” They both murmured apologies. After the woman disappeared back into the maze of books, Nate kept his voice low. “What do you want from me?” “I want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want…you.” “Then why are you with him?” Lucas wished he had a good answer. Whywas he with Casey? “I don’t know.” Nate took off his glasses and methodically cleaned the lenses with the square of soft material he always kept in his pocket. “I was just starting to think that I was being too hard on you. Then I saw you withhim .” Lucas felt nauseated. He’d ruined everything. Nate folded the cleaner and placed it back in his pocket before slipping his glasses back on. He straightened. “I could forgive a bathroom blowjob, but not that. Not when you lied. Denied it to my face.” “There was nothing going on with Casey until we broke up. I swear. And it’s not like he and I are even boyfriends now. Please, you have to believe me.” Nate shook his head sadly. “No, I don’t.” He turned away. A panic fluttered in Lucas’s chest, and he reached out, fingers closing over Nate’s wrist. The touch of his skin felt electric. “Wait.” Nate shook his arm free. “Lucas, what more is there to say?” Only the truth. “You asked me a question just now. Why I’m with Casey.”

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Nate shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care, Lucas.” “I’m with him because I don’t want to be alone.” As he said it, Lucas knew it was the truth. He’d never felt quite so pathetic. “He’s a good guy, and he likes me, and it’s nice to be liked. Being with him is easy. And I don’t have any other friends. I don’t have a family.” Nate’s stony expression dissolved, making Lucas’s heart constrict. He plowed on. “I know you think your family is a big pain, but I’d give anything to have a brother and parents, and grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and…all of that.” Lucas swallowed the lump forming rapidly in his throat. “Look, I know this is all my fault and it’s not your problem and I don’t blame you for not wanting to listen to my self-pity. But…when I lost you, I lost everything.” Nate reached out, his fingertips caressing Lucas’s cheek, gaze tender. “It’ll be okay,” he murmured. As if drawn by an invisible wire, their lips met, and Lucas’s head spun at the passion and warmth conveyed with the simple kiss. They moved into each other’s arms as they had so many times before, but Nate suddenly stepped back. He shook his head. “I can’t.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know I’m not perfect; I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I should be able to get over this. But I can’t. I wish I could.” Lucas jerked his head in a nod. He didn’t blame him. “I want you to be happy, Lucas. I really mean that.” He walked away, disappearing down another aisle. Lucas stood hidden among the shelves of musty books, fighting back tears. ***** Jolting awake, Lucas rubbed his eyes and glanced around the darkened apartment in confusion. Blue light flickered from the TV, and Lucas pushed himself upright on the futon, wondering what had woken him from his nap. Another knock at the door answered that question, and he turned on the overhead light as he shuffled over, stepping around empty take-out containers and piles of dirty laundry. He didn’t bother checking the peephole and regretted it when he found Casey standing in the hallway. “Hey, man. What’s up? You sick?” Lucas stepped aside and let Casey in. “Yeah.” It seemed an easy enough lie. “What’s wrong? Cold? Flu?” “Um, yeah.” Casey cocked an eyebrow as he peeled his coat off and dropped it on the chair by the door. “Which is it?” “Both, I think. I don’t know, I just haven’t been feeling well.” Lucas forced a cough out for effect. “You haven’t been in class this week, and you didn’t call. Or answer the phone, I might add.”

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“Sorry, my cell’s acting up. Want a drink?” “Sure.” Casey settled on the couch. “How was Thanksgiving?” “Good.” Lucas really wasn’t in the mood for company. “What are you watching?” “Last thing I remember wasJudge Judy .” Lucas handed Casey a beer and sat next to him as an awkward silence ensued. Lucas had been avoiding Casey and he really didn’t know what to say. The more time they spent together, the less they seemed to have to talk about. Picking up the remote, Lucas flicked through the channels aimlessly. He asked Casey about class, and they made small talk for a while. Stroking Lucas’s thigh, Casey smiled. “Come on, let me help you feel better.” Leaning in, Casey kissed him, and Lucas let Casey take the lead, his hands roaming under Lucas’s T-shirt and sweatpants. Closing his eyes, Lucas thought of Nate. Lust stirred in his blood, and he arched up, imagining it was Nate touching him; Nate’s mouth on his neck, Nate’s hand stroking him. Suddenly Casey stood and pulled Lucas to his feet. “Come on.” He smiled and backed up around the corner to where the bed was. Taking his shirt off, his hands moved to his belt. Looking at his bed -- at the bed he’d shared with Nate -- Lucas felt as if he’d been doused with ice water. The thought of being with anyone else intheir bed was just wrong. Even though Nate had made it clear it was over, he couldn’t do it. This wasn’t what he wanted. “No.” Casey glanced up as he stepped out of his jeans. “Huh?” “No. I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I think you should leave.” “Are you feeling that sick?” Casey squinted in confusion. “No, this isn’t… Casey, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” “What? Why?” “Because I’m in love with someone else.” Rolling his eyes slightly, Casey reached out, placing his hands on Lucas’s shoulders. “Come on, man. That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun together. Besides, that uptight prick dumped you, remember?” With a burst of anger, Lucas shrugged out of Casey’s grasp. “Don’t talk about Nate like that.” Casey laughed. “You can’t be serious. Look, I knowfirst love ” -- he exaggerated the words mockingly

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-- “is hard to get over, but you’re being ridiculous.” “You don’t understand.” “You’re right, I don’t. You’re twenty-one! Live a little! Have some fun. That’s all we’re doing.” “I want more than that.” Lucas knew it was the truth. “Call me a loser, but I don’t want to just have fun. I want more. Ineed more.” Casey shook his head, exasperated. “Fine. Call me if you lighten up.” He shrugged his clothes on and left. Lucas took a deep breath. He looked around at the filthy state of his apartment and picked up an old pizza box from the coffee table. He may have lost Nate, but it was time to get his life back and stop feeling sorry for himself. Chapter Ten

As he neared the bar listed on the Web site, Lucas slowed down considerably. Turning off his iPod, he flicked the locking mechanism and wrapped his earphones before slipping it into his pocket. Ahead, a young man went into the bar, the door closing behind him. He had walked in as if it was no big deal, and Lucas wondered if they were there for the same reason. Perhaps other people weren’t as terrified of speed dating as Lucas was. He considered bailing and letting them keep his thirty-five dollars, especially since he didn’t even know why he was going. Well, he knew; he just wasn’t sure it was the right thing. Casey’s parting words about being young and having fun had been ringing in his ears, and Lucas had impulsively signed up for the gay speed-dating event. Sure, he’d looked at the site dozens of times and had only hit “Send” on the form after chickening out more than once. But for him, that was impulsive. Lucas took a few more steps, having slowed to a near crawl on the sidewalk. Another man, this one older, entered the bar. Lucas took a deep breath. In a few more steps, he’d have to either go in or keep walking. As he came alongside the door, he paused. It was now or never. His stomach fluttering, Lucas yanked open the door and walked in before he could talk himself out of it. Inside he found an upscale bar staffed by extremely pretty people. One of them, a woman, smiled. “Here for the speed dating?” Lucas felt utterly exposed. “Is it that obvious?” She smiled warmly. “The deer in the headlights expression kind of gives you away.” She pointed toward the area in the back where twelve small tables were arranged around the room. “Just go check in with the organizers. Break a leg.”

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“Thanks.” Lucas tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace. He wondered what the hell he was getting himself into, but obediently walked to the registration table, where a well-coiffed, middle-aged man and woman waited. The woman smiled brightly. “Hi! Welcome to Painless Date. Name?” “Um, Lucas McKenzie.” She scanned a printed list with a shiny red fingernail. “Lucas. Great, here you are.” She marked a check beside his name. “Okay, here’s your name tag, and your date sheet. Did you bring a pen?” Shit. “Sorry, I forgot. I can go buy one.”Then run away and not come back. The man chuckled. “Oh, no. Don’t be silly.” He reached down below the table and came back up with a pen in his hand. “We always bring some extras just in case.” Of course they did. “Great, thanks.” The woman smiled again. “Okay, now go pick a table and we’ll get started in a few minutes. Just waiting for a few more people.” Lucas nodded and glanced at the tables set aside for the speed dating. All the tables had at least one man sitting at them, so Lucas chose the closest table and pulled the chair out. A chubby young man with sandy brown hair and wire-rimmed glasses smiled nervously at him across the table. “Hi, I’m Gabriel.” “Hi. Lucas.” They shook hands, and the waitress came by and took their drink orders. Lucas peered around at the other tables. “So, have you done this before?” “Uh-uh. You?” “Nope. I’m kind of nervous.” “Me too.” Gabriel smiled and fidgeted with his sheet of paper. “I hear it can be brutal, you know? At least you seem nice.” Lucas smiled. “You too. What do you do?” “I’m a junior accountant. I know, extremely exciting, huh?” “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with working with numbers. I’m a student at NYU.” “What’s your major?” “Undeclared. I have no idea what I want to do.” “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.” Gabriel nodded encouragingly.

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The waitress returned with their pints, and just then the organizers called for attention and explained the rules of the event. Seven minutes with each “date,” and then you had to tick off whether you’d be open to seeing the person again. They rang a bell, and the daters were officially on the clock. Gabriel and Lucas stared at each other awkwardly across the table. It had been easier before they’d rung the bell. Lucas smiled. “Well, the pressure’s on now. I’m trying to think of something witty to say, but…I’ve got nothing.” “Hmm, let’s see. Yeah, I’m drawing a blank.” They both laughed. “So, what do you do in your spare time?” Lucas asked. “Uh, I love the theater. It’s great living in New York; so many shows to choose from.” “What kind of stuff are you into? Avant-garde? Existential?” “Well…to be honest, I love musicals.” “Really? Me too!” Lucas grinned. “I was just trying to sound smart, and I think I landed on pretentious.” “What’s your favorite show? I sawSpring Awakening again last week and I never get tired of it.” “Oh, I haven’t seen that yet! I hear it’s amazing.” “It really is. Seriously, you have to see it.” Gabriel’s face lit up as he talked about the show. “Maybe we could go together.” Suddenly Lucas remembered he was at a dating event. “You know, I’d love to, but…” Gabriel’s cheeks reddened. “Oh, no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” “No, no. I want to. The truth is, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I thought maybe this would help. I was seeing this other guy, and I know he wasn’t the right one, but my boyfriend won’t forgive me for this stupid thing I did -- not that I blame him, because it was really bad -- and I thought that I should get out and meet new people and get a life and --” Lucas broke off. “And I’m rambling. Sorry.” Gabriel smiled kindly. “It’s okay. Hey, I’ve been there. Look, we can just be friends. I mean, if you want.” “I do! I mean, that would be nice. God, I sound completely desperate and bizarre, don’t I? Wait, don’t answer that.” Laughing, Gabriel took a sip of his beer. “I’ll have to take the fifth on that one.” “I just don’t really have that many friends. Or any, at this point. I moved here in the summer and the one friend I met at school I stupidly dated, and that didn’t work out. So I’m back to square one.” “Yeah, it was hard when I moved to New York from Indiana. I know how it can be.”

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The bell rang, and Lucas found he really had no desire to go to the next table. “So, if I check off your name, they’ll send your contact info, right?” “Only if I check off your name too.” “Right. No pressure or anything. Seriously, I know you didn’t come here looking for a new theater buddy --” “Relax, Lucas.” Gabriel grinned and uncapped his pen. He made a big check beside Lucas’s name. “I can always use another theater buddy.” A tall man hovered behind Lucas. “Uh, you’re supposed to go to the next table, now. You’re in the outside chair.” “Right!” Lucas stood up and gave Gabriel another smile. “Talk to you soon.” At the next table, he sat down across from an older man with a sour look on his face. “You’re supposed to move when the bell goes.” “Um, sorry.” Lucas glanced at Gabriel, and they both burst out laughing. Their new dates weren’t amused. ***** Walking out of the student pub, Lucas found himself smiling widely. He’d just attended his second meeting of the Bad Film Appreciation Club, where they’d screenedThe Apple , one of the most truly terrible, yet enjoyable musicals Lucas had ever seen. “So, was that not extremely frightening?” Kelly laughed as she fell into step with Lucas. “Extremely. Of course, I’ll have to buy the DVD.” “Me too!” Kelly giggled, smoothing a woolen cap over her short brown hair. Kelly was a pixie-sized sophomore who had sat beside Lucas at the first meeting he’d attended. She’d saved him a seat tonight, which had made him ridiculously happy. “But I don’t think that movie should ever be viewed without friends and copious amounts of alcoholic beverages.” “Agreed. I shudder to think of the consequences of sober and solitary viewing of a futuristic, sexual, yet biblical disco musical about people from Moose Jaw.” Kelly laughed appreciatively. “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?” “Nothing much.” The truth was nothing at all aside from studying, but Lucas didn’t want to seem desperate. Casey now ignored him and sat on the other side of their English classroom, and although Lucas was firm in his decision to be alone, he still missed having a friend. “Okay, this is probably going to sound extremely lame, but…what do you think about Zac Efron?” “Aside from the fact that he’s totally cute?” The beer he’d had at the pub had loosened his tongue, and Lucas suddenly realized Kelly might not know he was gay.

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“Oh my God, isn’t he?” She clapped her hands joyfully, as if Lucas thinking Zac was cute was the most natural thing in the world. “That settles it. You have to come see his new movie with me. It’s a musical, and my other friends are all into artsy foreign movies.” “I’d love to.” Kelly bounced with happiness and they exchanged cell numbers. Before she left for the subway, she reached up and gave Lucas a quick hug, much to his delight. In Washington Square Park, the Christmas lights twinkled merrily on the huge tree, and the city was in full holiday mode. Lucas tried to ignore the stab of loneliness that always accompanied thoughts of the holidays. Pushing it out of his mind, he focused on the fact that he had another new friend. He and Gabriel had plans to seeSpring Awakening the next weekend, and Lucas was glad he’d given the speed dating a try. Not that he’d gotten any real dates out of it, but he’d realized romance wasn’t what he was looking for right now. He needed more time to get over Nate. He braced himself for the heartache that inevitably followed thoughts of Nate. He hoped he’d miss him less as time went on, but he wasn’t optimistic. He sighed and muttered to himself under his breath, once again attempting to banish the unhappy thoughts from his mind. Humming one of the dreadful songs from the movie, Lucas waited at the street corner. Glancing at his watch, he realized with a groan that he’d left it awfully late to finish studying the chapter on the Boston Tea Party for his history test tomorrow. The light turned green and Lucas stepped off the curb, wondering if he should get up early and study in the morning instead. Tires screeched and pain erupted as Lucas moved through the air in a whirl of light. He landed in an even bigger explosion of agony. A blaring noise filled his ears, and cold seeped into his bones as the darkness set in. ***** As Lucas struggled to open his eyes, a dim white light greeted him. He blinked as the room swam into focus, and he became aware of a throbbing pain emanating from his left knee. He took a breath, whimpering as his ribs expanded painfully. He was in a hard bed with a silver railing, and an older woman peered through a glass window by his feet. A few moments later at his bedside, she leaned close and smiled. “Lucas? How are you feeling?” He tried to respond, but his throat was as dry as the Sahara. The nurse tipped a cup of water up to his lips, and Lucas managed to swallow, although his throat protested. The nurse smiled again. “Don’t worry, you’re going to be okay.” She put the cup down and fiddled with the IV in Lucas’s hand. “Your friend is very worried about you.” Friend?Lucas tried to wade through his muddled memory. He recalled school, and drinking beer, and…someone singing in platform glitter boots? He’d been with someone outside…Kelly. Kelly must be here. She really was nice… “He’s been wearing a hole in the floor out there all night.” Lucas blinked. He’d been nodding off, and the drowsiness closed in. Wait…he?Who was in the waiting room?

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“-- tell him he can come in now. You’ll probably be out for the next --” Blinking, Lucas winced against the harsh light. Every muscle in his body ached, and the pain from his knee radiated outward. Daylight streamed in a window that he couldn’t see, and Lucas struggled to turn his head, which ached dully. As he focused on the chair beside him, he realized he wasn’t awake at all, but still lost in dreams. He struggled to wake, telling himself to leave the dream world behind. Yet as Lucas shifted his body and shook off the haze of painkillers, Nate remained slumped in the chair, his chin dropped to his chest. This can’t be real. He tried to remember how he’d ended up in the hospital, but all he could remember was going to school and being in the pub. Incredibly, Nate hadn’t faded away, but continued breathing softly in the chair beside him. As Lucas reached for him, pain flashed down his side and he cried out. Nate’s head snapped up. “Lucas?” He leaned forward in the chair, his eyes wide with concern. He reached out, and his fingertips brushed Lucas’s hair back off his forehead. “Let me get the nurse.” Lucas tried to tell him no, that he had to stay, but Nate bounded out of the chair and into the hallway. Lucas stared at the open door, praying that he’d return, and that it hadn’t been his imagination. Amazingly, Nate walked back in a minute later, a small, dark-haired man in his wake. He leaned over the bed. “Hi, Lucas. The doctor is on his way.” The nurse cradled the back of his head and tipped some lukewarm water down his throat. From the hall came a constant beeping, and Lucas winced at the noise. His head felt as if it weighed fifty pounds. The nurse hurried out, and Nate sat in the chair at Lucas’s bedside again. He looked tense and exhausted. “What…what happened?” Lucas felt as if he hadn’t spoken in days. “You don’t remember?” Lucas shook his head ever so slightly. “You got hit by a car last night. Near school.” Thinking back, Lucas still couldn’t remember any car accident. “You sure?” “Of course I’m sure. You bruised your ribs and banged up your knee pretty bad. They said you bounced over the hood and bumped your head when you landed.” “Oh.” Lucas wanted to say more, but didn’t have the energy. A woman bustled into the room scanning a patient chart. “Hi, Lucas. I’m Dr. Kadikar.” Leaning over, she flashed a penlight into his eyes. “You had a nasty run-in with a taxi, but you’re going to be fine.” She briskly jotted down a note on the chart. “You have a slight concussion, and we’re giving you painkillers for your ribs and your knee. You’re lucky -- your knee wasn’t broken, but you did twist the ligaments. It’s going to be a challenge to walk for a week or so, and you’ll need to keep your knee iced and elevated.”

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Dr. Kadikar scanned the chart briefly once more. “I’m going to discharge you, but it says here you don’t have any immediate family.” She turned to Nate, who stood beside her. “I assume you’re going to be able to help him?” Lucas opened his mouth to tell the doctor that Nate wasn’t even supposed to be there, let alone be his nursemaid. Nate spoke first. “Of course.” “Perfect.” Dr. Kadikar smiled at Lucas. “Nice to have friends, isn’t it? Take care now, and watch out for those taxis.” Then she was gone, her white lab coat swirling behind her. Lucas cleared his throat. “You don’t have to help. I’ll hire a nurse or something. I have good insurance.” Taking the chair again, Nate sighed. “Don’t be stupid.” “Why are you here?” Nate looked down, hiding his expression. His voice was flat. “You don’t want me here?” Of course I do. “I mean, how did you know?” “They called me just before midnight. You put me in your phone as an emergency contact, remember?” A faint recollection crawled through his mind. “I’m sorry I didn’t change it. They shouldn’t have bothered you.” “It’s not a bother.” Nate spit the words out. “They should have called…” Lucas tried to think of someone else, and came up empty. Nate ran his hand through his hair and peered out the window. “Right, I get it. I can call Casey for you. I should have thought of it earlier and gotten his number off your cell. Sorry.” “No, that’s not what I meant --” “Lucas?” Mrs. Kramer swept into the room, her husband and Sam in tow. “Oh, my goodness! How are you, sweetheart?” Lucas didn’t have a chance to reply before Sam moved around the other side of his bed and examined Lucas’s purple and swollen knee. “Dude! I popped my knee out of joint once playing ball. Hurts like a bitch, huh? But don’t worry, it’ll heal faster than you think.” “Oh, you poor dear.” Mrs. Kramer clucked her tongue and shook her head. “We came back just as quickly as we could.” “Back?” Lucas’s head felt foggy. “Nathaniel called us last night in Chicago. We caught the earliest flight we could today and Sam picked us up at the airport.” “I was in Jersey City with the guys, but doofus didn’t think to call me,” Sam piped up.

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“Because you’d have beenso much help.” Nate rolled his eyes at his brother. “Hey! I can be helpful.” Mr. Kramer raised his hands. “I’m sure we’re giving Lucas an even bigger headache than he already has.” He squeezed Lucas’s shoulder gently. “How are you feeling, son?” Hearing Mr. Kramer call him that gave Lucas a rush of warmth, followed by thoughts of his father and a pang of guilt and loss. He smiled weakly. “Like I got hit by a truck.” “Don’t worry, you’ll be feeling better in no time,” Nate’s mother assured him. “I’ll make some matzoh ball soup as soon as we get you home.” Lucas swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. “That’s so kind of you, but I’m going to get a nurse. I can’t inconvenience you like that.” “Inconvenience?” Mrs. Kramer laughed. “Don’t bemeshugenah . It must be that bump on your head.” Lucas darted a glance to Nate. Sure, Nate might have come to the hospital when they called, but there was no way he wanted Lucas back at the Kramers’ house. Not after what Lucas had done. “Really, I couldn’t.” Mrs. Kramer followed his nervous gaze to Nate. “Now I know you boys didn’t get along being roommates, but you’re still friends, aren’t you?” “Um…” Lucas wasn’t sure how to answer. “Of course,” Nate said. “Then it’s settled.” Mrs. Kramer patted Lucas’s arm. “You need to know when to ask for help.” The nurse came back and Mrs. Kramer took control, getting Lucas’s pain medication prescription and filling out all the necessary forms. Sam rambled on to Lucas about the latest problems with Amanda, and Nate stood quietly in the corner, watching. Lucas spoke up. He was sure Nate would be extremely unhappy with Lucas invading his house. “Really, I can’t impose on you.” Mrs. Kramer glanced up from the form she was filling out. “This is what family is for. Now there are a few blanks here that you’ll need to give me the answers for.” Lucas turned his head, blinking away tears as he answered her questions and the Kramers prepared to take him home. Chapter Eleven

Mr. Kramer leaned the crutches against the bedside table that sat between the twin beds in Nate’s room. Lucas was propped up in the bed closest to the door, and Mrs. Kramer gently slid another pillow

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under Lucas’s swollen left knee. “How’s that feel?” She smiled at him expectantly. “Fine.” Truthfully, it felt hideously painful, but no amount of pillows would change that. Nate stood by the window, watching his parents fuss over Lucas. Lucas felt another stab of guilt that he was invading Nate’s space. The room was virtually unchanged from when he’d first stayed there almost a year ago. The childish sailboat wallpaper remained, and clothing piled up around the room, since Nate had transformed his closet into a darkroom. “Now I’m going to make you some soup.” Mrs. Kramer glanced at her watch. “It’s almost dinnertime anyway. Do you want anything right now? Are you hungry? “No, I’m fine. Thank you.” “Okay, Nate can watch you.” She turned to her son. “Now remember he has a little concussion --” “Mom, I remember. I was there when the nurse gave his spiel.” “Deanna, let’s leave Lucas to get some rest.” Mr. Kramer steered his wife to the door. She nodded, and to Lucas said, “I’ll be back up to check on you.” “Thank you again for everything.” Lucas felt both grateful and guilty. When they were gone, Nate sat down on the twin bed opposite Lucas. “So.” “So,” Lucas replied. “I’m sorry about this. I shouldn’t be here.” “I told you I can call him for you. I’m sure he’ll come get you.” Lucas frowned. His head still felt packed with cotton balls. “Who?” “Your boyfriend.” “My…you mean Casey?” “Unless you have another one.” “No; I thought I told you. We don’t talk anymore.” “You broke up?” “I guess. We were never really together. I mean, not like…wewere. Not even close.” Nate stood and paced over to his desk, where he fiddled with some paperclips. “Sorry things didn’t work out for you guys.” “I’m not.”

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Nate was about to reply when Sam opened the door. “Hey, you remember that babe Andrea from school?” It took a moment for Lucas to realize he was talking to him. “Uh, I think so.” He had vague memories of a nice girl who’d clearly had a crush on him. “I ran into her the other day. She asked about you, but I was thinking of asking her out. You mind?” “No, it’s fine. What about Amanda?” Sam frowned. “It’s over with her. She doesn’t want me the way I am. She wants me to change.” “Can you blame her?” Nate dryly asked. “Hey, at least I only moved home because I had nowhere else to go. You’re back here because you miss Mommy.” Actually, because I cheated on him. Lucas coughed. “I really need a nap.” “Sorry, man. We’ll talk later, okay?” With that, Sam was gone. “Nate, I --” “Get some sleep.” Nate pulled his desk chair out and sat down, facing away from Lucas. He opened a drawer and pulled out a textbook, flipping it open as he slid his glasses out of his shirt pocket. Lucas decided he was too tired to argue. ***** Opening his eyes, Lucas groaned. His stomach churned, and he seemed to be producing too much saliva suddenly. He’d woken up for dinner and had eaten the bowl of soup Mrs. Kramer had made for him. Now it didn’t seem as if it had been a good idea. Lucas squinted at the clock on Nate’s desk, where Nate had left a small lamp on. Lucas had gone back to sleep after dinner and now it was almost midnight. He closed his eyes, willing the nausea to pass. He hated throwing up. Worse yet, he wasn’t sure he could make it to the bathroom. Red light shone from around the door to Nate’s closet, and Lucas knew that meant he was inside working. As his stomach roiled, Lucas considered calling to Nate to get his help. No, he couldn’t. Nate had done enough for him. Lucas didn’t need to impose any more than he had, and he knew Nate would ruin his pictures if he opened the door before they’d developed. Lucas took another breath and tried to talk himself out of being sick. His stomach lurched, and Lucas forced himself up, sliding his legs over the side of the bed as he whimpered in pain. His ribs burned as he reached for the crutches, heaving himself upright. Taking a tentative step, Lucas gasped at the pain. Bile rose in his throat, and he urged himself toward the

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darkened bathroom on the far side of Nate’s room. He made it as far as the door before he bent forward, vomiting on the bathroom tiles. Losing his balance, his right crutch slipped out and Lucas went down to his knee. He cried out as his left leg followed, his swollen knee splayed out awkwardly. Suddenly, strong hands lifted him beneath his arms, and Nate gently sat Lucas down on the carpet, leaning him against the wall outside the bathroom. “I’m sorry.” Lucas was embarrassed to realize that he was crying. “Shh.” Nate went away, but came back a moment later with a cool washcloth. He wiped Lucas’s face and then his mouth. “Are you going to be sick again?” Lucas nodded, and Nate grabbed his garbage can, dumping out balled-up paper on the floor. Coughing, Lucas bent over the can and threw up again while Nate gently rubbed his back. When he was finished, Lucas felt even more embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “It was good soup.” “It’s the concussion. This happens sometimes.” Nate ducked into the bathroom and rinsed the cloth out before wiping Lucas’s face once more. “How do you know?” “I read about it.” Nate got up again and came back with a glass of water. “Just have a little bit for now.” Nate held the glass for him, and Lucas swallowed some of the water. His mouth tasted like vomit, and he grimaced as he leaned his head back against the wall gingerly. Nate held the cloth against Lucas’s forehead. “Why didn’t you call me when you felt sick?” “I didn’t want to bother you more than I have already.” Nate huffed in annoyance.Or was it concern? “You could have cracked your head again when you fell.” He took the garbage pail and disappeared into the bathroom. He was in there for a while, and Lucas assumed he was cleaning up the mess Lucas had left. When he returned, he held out a toothbrush with a line of toothpaste on it. “This will make you feel better.” Lucas obediently took the toothbrush and cleaned his mouth. Nate held up the garbage pail for him to spit into. After he was finished, Lucas closed his eyes and leaned back. Although his body ached, he felt relieved that the nausea had passed. The cool washcloth returned, refreshing on his skin. Nate knelt beside him, and his arm slid around Lucas’s shoulders. Lucas leaned into him, his eyes closing once more. He relaxed into Nate’s arms, feeling safe again. “Thank you.” Nate didn’t reply, but held him close. ***** The next morning, Nate sat at his desk once more, his reading glasses on and head bent over his

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notebook. Lucas watched him, staying as silent as he could so Nate wouldn’t realize he’d woken up. He remembered how Nate’s arms had felt around him as he’d helped Lucas back into bed the night before. Lucas hadn’t wanted him to let go. Watching Nate write in his notebook, Lucas wished for the millionth time that he hadn’t ruined their relationship. He eased himself up on his pillows, grimacing. Nate turned in his chair. “Feeling better?” All the tenderness of the previous night had vanished. “Well, I don’t feel like throwing up all over your bathroom, so that’s something.” He cleared his scratchy throat. “Sorry about that. About everything.” Nate pushed the chair back. “Stop apologizing. You got hit by a car; it’s not your fault.” He picked up the crutches and held them out. “You need help?” Lucas nodded, and Nate helped him get to his feet. Lucas insisted that he could go to the bathroom alone, and although it was awkward and painful, he succeeded. When he hobbled back out, Nate was on his cell. “Maybe.” He was silent for a few moments, regarding Lucas across the room. “I’ll call you later, okay?” Lucas made his way back to his bed as Nate snapped his phone shut. Lucas couldn’t help but ask. “Who was that?” Nate regarded him evenly. “You really want to know?” Lucas had a sinking feeling that he didn’t, but he nodded. “His name’s Reed.” “Reed? Sounds like he should be on a soap.” “Maybe he will be one day. He’s an actor.” “Oh.” Lucas attempted to rein in his jealousy. “Where’d you meet him?” “At a bar.” “He sounds…” Lucas tried to think of an appropriate adjective. “Um, nice.” “He wants to go out later. Saturday night and all.” “Great. Sounds fun.” Lucas tried to sound enthusiastic. Maybe he and Nate could be friends in the end, and for that to happen, he had to get used to the idea of Nate seeing other people. “You should go.” “Yeah, maybe I will.” Silence stretched out, and Lucas squirmed, trying to get comfortable on the bed. His ribs ached and he felt like an idiot. “Knock, knock.” Mrs. Kramer opened the door, a breakfast tray in her hands. “Lucas, it’s time to take

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your pills.” “Mom, you can watch him today, right? I’ve got stuff to do.” “I don’t need anyone to watch me. Really.” Lucas hated feeling as if he was an invalid. Even if he was. “Don’t you have to study? Those law books won’t read themselves, Nathaniel.” Lucas kept his expression neutral at the news that Nate still hadn’t told his parents he’d switched to photography. “Exactly. I’m going to the library. I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner.” “All right. Call if you’ll be late.” Nate nodded, and Mrs. Kramer left after promising to bring Lucas some books to choose from. Lucas ate some of his oatmeal as Nate disappeared into his darkroom. He came back with some of his camera equipment to put in his messenger bag. Lucas cleared his throat. “What are you waiting for?” “What?” Nate didn’t look up. “Telling your parents about photography. You know they’re going to find out sooner or later, right?” Nate clipped his bag shut. “Are you planning on telling them?” “No, of course not. I wouldn’t do that to you.” “Well, I wouldn’t have thought so, but stranger things have happened.” Nate’s jaw clenched. Anger flared in Lucas. “Jesus, I made one mistake. Believe me, I’ve learned from it, okay?” His appetite gone, Lucas twisted to put his tray on the bedside table. His ribs blazed, and he grunted. Nate was suddenly there, taking the tray and putting it down. “Careful.” Lucas nodded. Nate looked as if he was about to say something else, but instead he grabbed his bag. “I’ve gotta go.” Mrs. Kramer returned a few minutes later and perched on the side of Nate’s bed, chiding Lucas for not finishing his breakfast. Under her watchful gaze, he ate a few more spoonfuls of oatmeal while she filled him in on the latest gossip from the synagogue. “Now, Mrs. Rosen’s daughter is a lovely girl, but she can’t seem to find a good man. She’s a few years older than Nate, but I don’t know, maybe I should fix them up. What do you think?” “I’m not sure. Nate’s not really…into setups.” “Did he ever introduce you to any girlfriends while you were living together?” “No. I think he’s just really busy with school, Mrs. Kramer.”

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“Hmm, perhaps. He’s just never had time for girls, though. I don’t understand it. He’s a good looking boy, don’t you think?” Lucas concentrated on his oatmeal and hoped she couldn’t sense his heart pounding in his chest. “Uh, yeah. Sure.” She sighed and brushed back a lock of her smooth, graying hair, a ruby bracelet shining on her wrist. Lucas pointed to it with his spoon. “Wow, that’s beautiful. Where did you get it?” “You like it?” Mrs. Kramer held her wrist out before her, smiling. “It was an anniversary present. I don’t usually wear it around the house, but…sometimes you need a little sparkle, you know?” Smiling, Lucas nodded. Nate’s mother had been so kind to him, and he hated lying to her. He wondered how she didn’t suspect that there was a deeper reason Nate didn’t have a girlfriend, but he certainly wasn’t going to be the one to tell her. Mrs. Kramer eyed his tray. “Do you want seconds? I can make you more.” “No, no. Thank you. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me.” “And I told you, repayment isn’t necessary. You’re a good boy, Lucas. We love having you.” She took his tray and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Lucas inhaled the floral scent of her perfume and smiled. “Now let me go get you a fresh ice pack and some books to read. Unless you want to come downstairs and watch TV?” “Maybe later. Books would be great for now.” Lucas smiled and wondered how welcome he would be if Mrs. Kramer ever discovered the truth. ***** A buzzing noise woke Lucas from his nap. After a moment he realized it was his cell phone vibrating across the bedside table, moving closer and closer to the edge. Lucas snatched it up and flipped it open. “Hello?” “Hey, fellow Zefron fan.” “Huh?” Lucas tried to shake away the vestiges of sleep. There was a moment of silence. “Lucas?” “Yeah. Oh, Kelly?” “Wow, how quickly they forget.” She laughed. “Shit, sorry. I’m kind of out of it. I got hit by a taxi on my way home the other night after the movie.” “Ohmygod!” Kelly had a habit of speaking quickly and blurring her words together. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Bump on the head, some bruised ribs, and a twisted knee. But I’ll live.”

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“Are you okay by yourself? Do you need me to bring you anything?” Lucas was touched that she would offer. “I’m actually on Staten Island at a…friend’s place. Well, his parents’ place.” “Okay, cool. Anyone I know?” “Um, no. Nate. He’s…my ex.” Lucas hated saying it aloud. “Ohh. So is it awkward, or what?” “Definitely. His parents have been really good to me, and I’m so lucky. But being here with Nate, it’s…it’s hard. You know?” “Bad breakup?” “Is there any other kind?” Lucas honestly didn’t know. He supposed he’d broken up with Casey, but it wasn’t much of a real relationship in the first place. “Not usually. Do you still love him?” Kelly had a refreshing quality of saying what most people would simply think. “Yeah. I do.” Lucas swallowed over the sudden lump in his throat. “Hey, maybe you’ll get him back. Proximity has been known to work wonders.” “Yeah. Maybe.” Lucas wished it would be the case, but he doubted it. “Well, I guess I’m seeing Zac at the multiplex alone tonight. Well, as alone as one can be surrounded by hundreds of teenage girls.” “Sorry, Kel. Next time, I promise!” “Getting hit by a car is a relatively good excuse, so I’ll let you off the hook just this once.” She laughed. “Hey, let me know when you’re back in the city and I’ll bring over some junk food and a few DVDs. Sound like a plan?” “Absolutely. Thanks, Kelly.” Before he could lose his nerve, Lucas added, “I’m really glad we met.” He hoped he didn’t sound too needy and lame. “Hey, me too. Now you have fun with your ex. And his parents.” Laughing, Lucas said good-bye. He realized he had to call Gabriel to tell him he wouldn’t be able to make the play. Lucas left him a message, assuring Gabriel he’d pay for his ticket if no one else could go. A few minutes later, Gabriel returned his call, and they promised to get together once Lucas was better. After Lucas hung up, he smiled to himself, pleased that he’d found two good friends in the city. At least he didn’t feel so alone now. He glanced at the time and his smile faded. Nate would probably be heading out to meet his date. Lucas

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tried not to think about it, but failed miserably. ***** Squirming, Lucas gingerly adjusted himself on his pillows. He’d been so out of it after the accident that he’d been able to sleep, but now that his head had cleared, he found his knee ached and because of his ribs it hurt to breathe no matter which position he tried. Wincing, he eased himself down. Sitting up on his pillows wasn’t working, and he needed to sleep. At least if he was sleeping, he wouldn’t be thinking about Nate out on a date with whatshisname. Okay, he knew his name.Reed . Lucas tried not to imagine how hot wannabe soap star Reed was, but it was no use. He knew he had no right to be jealous, but he hated the thought of Nate with someone else. Glancing at the clock once more, Lucas sighed. It was past midnight, and Nate wasn’t home yet. Probably because he was having such a wonderful time withReed . Perhaps he wouldn’t even come home. “God, shut up.” Lucas spoke aloud to the empty room. Closing his eyes, he attempted in vain to clear his head. A few minutes later, headlights swept across the ceiling as a car pulled into the driveway. Lucas froze, listening. A car door closed, and a moment later the front door opened downstairs. When Nate quietly opened his bedroom door, Lucas closed his eyes and pretended to be sleeping. After a few long moments, the desk light snapped on. Blinking, Lucas opened his eyes. “Hey.” Nate’s back was turned. “Give me a break. You weren’t sleeping.” “What? Yes I was.” Nate turned, rolling his eyes. “Lucas, I know when you’re sleeping and when you’re not.” Lucas conceded defeat. “I can’t get comfortable. I need stronger painkillers.” Frowning, Nate picked up the pill bottle from the bedside table. “These are pretty strong already.” “It hurts to breathe. Sitting up, lying down -- doesn’t matter. It hurts.” Lucas knew that whining wasn’t particularly becoming, but right now he didn’t care. “Well, I can’t really do anything about it.” “I know! I’m just saying.” Lucas took a sip of water from the bottle Mrs. Kramer had left. “Sorry, I know I’m being a baby.” Nate unbuttoned his shirt. “It’s okay. I’d probably be the same way.” He took the shirt off and dropped it over the back of his desk chair. Lucas swallowed hard at the sight of Nate’s bare chest and quickly gulped down some more water. God, he missed him.

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Despite the pain in his body, desire flared. Lucas stared at the muscles in Nate’s arms as he stretched languidly overhead and yawned. Lucas spoke before he could stop himself. “How was your date?” Nate shrugged as he unzipped his jeans. “Not bad.” His jeans fell to the carpet, and he stepped out of them. He stood in his tight briefs, slowly folding his pants. Lucas fidgeted, his dick getting hard despite himself. He had to look away, so he rolled onto his right side, toward the door. Pain ricocheted across his ribcage, and he bit back a cry. A moment later, Nate’s hand closed gently around Lucas’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” Lucas told himself not to cry, but his eyes filled. “No,” he choked out. It wasn’t just his body. The pain of being so close to Nate, yet so very far away, was overwhelming. Slowly, Nate eased Lucas onto his back and up onto the pillows in a half-sitting position. “Is that any better?” Lucas nodded, since he didn’t trust his voice not to crack. Nate went to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Lucas listened to the water running in the sink and imagined Nate washing his face and brushing his teeth. When he came back out, Nate flipped off the desk lamp. In the darkness, Lucas could see him changing into one of the pairs of faded boxers that he liked to sleep in. In the streetlight coming through the window, Lucas could see Nate’s firm ass as he bent over, and again he felt a stab of desire. As Nate settled into the other twin bed a few feet away, Lucas closed his eyes and again attempted to will himself to sleep. It was going to be a long night. ***** Sunday afternoon dragged on, and Lucas zoned out during the football game Mr. Kramer and Sam were glued to. Lucas was ensconced in the La-Z-Boy recliner, his knee elevated. Mrs. Kramer kept him fed and watered, and he really couldn’t have asked for more. The only problem was that Nate was up in his room and hadn’t been downstairs since just after breakfast. His parents thought he was studying, but Lucas just knew he was locked away in his makeshift darkroom. Memories awash in red light flickered through Lucas’s mind, and he drifted to sleep. A few minutes later he jerked awake as Sam shouted for joy and high-fived his father. Lucas feigned interest and nodded and smiled. His mind returned to Nate upstairs, and after another half an hour of football, he reached for his crutches. “You need a hand getting up?” Mr. Kramer glanced over. With a grunt, Lucas managed to get to his feet. “No, I’m okay. I’m going to go lie down for a while. Enjoy the rest of the game. I hope the” -- he realized he had no idea who was playing -- “team wins.” After getting by the kitchen without Mrs. Kramer noticing, Lucas hobbled up the stairs to the second

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floor. As he’d guessed, the door to the darkroom was closed, red light emanating from the cracks. Lucas sat on his bed for a moment, painfully catching his breath. It had been days since he’d had a shower, and he felt like a big ball of grease and sweat. With newfound resolve, he made his way into the bathroom and shut the door. Getting his clothes off proved easier than he’d thought it would, but standing in the shower was a challenge. His bandages were getting wet and he couldn’t let go of the crutches long enough to pick up the shampoo, but Lucas revelled in the hot water beating down on him. After a minute, he tried again for the shampoo. With a clatter, one of the crutches fell to the bottom of the tub, and Lucas followed. Throwing his arms out, he tried to break his fall as wrenching pain shot from his left hand and his ribs felt as if they might burst. He landed on his ass in a heap. The fallen crutch jammed painfully between the side of the tub and his leg. Water poured down over him, and Lucas fought back tears as he tried to breathe without expanding his lungs more than an inch. Suddenly a figure appeared to his left through the shower curtain, and Nate pulled the curtain back sharply. “What are you doing?” Lucas blinked the water out of his eyes and tried to say something, but nothing came. “Lucas!” Nate was on his knees, leaning into the shower, getting wet. He cupped Lucas’s face in his hand. “Did you hit your head? Are you hurt?” He peered closely. “Answer me!” “I fell.” Nate exhaled slowly. “Yeah, I can see that. Are you okay?” “I think so.” As the shock wore off, Lucas’s whole body ached. “What the hell are you doing, getting in the shower?” “I was stinky.” “Well, you could have killed yourself.” Nate stood and turned the water off. Stepping one foot into the tub, he lifted Lucas to his feet. For a few moments, Lucas leaned his whole body against Nate’s, and Nate held him close. In the steamy silence, the only sound Lucas could hear was their breathing. “Come on.” Nate stepped back, helping Lucas out of the bathtub. Lucas was suddenly aware that he was naked, and he blushed furiously. He took his crutches from Nate. “I’m fine now, you can go.” “Did you even get a chance to wash your hair?” “No, but it doesn’t matter.” “Sit down.” Nate pointed to the side of the tub.

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“No, I’m okay.” Actually, he was in a ton of pain. “Lucas, would you just sit?” Since he really felt as if he might topple over at any moment, Lucas obeyed. He gingerly settled on the side of the tub, his back to the shower, as Nate closed the door, flicking the lock. Without another word, Nate peeled his clothes off. “No sense in getting my new shirt any wetter than it already is.” Lucas nodded, forcing his eyes down to the floor. He examined the blue and white bathmat, determined not to stare at Nate’s long, lean body. Nate moved behind him, stepping into the tub and turning the water back on. A few moments later, his fingers gently worked shampoo through Lucas’s hair. Lucas leaned back into his touch, his eyes closing as Nate massaged his scalp. The seconds stretched out as Nate touched him, working the shampoo through the ends of Lucas’s hair. Lucas leaned back on Nate’s thighs, closing his eyes and relaxing for what felt like the first time in a long time. Pulling him back with soft hands, Nate tipped Lucas’s head under the spray of water. Then he worked the conditioner in, languidly rubbing Lucas’s scalp. Lucas’s whole body tingled as his dick grew hard. He thought he felt Nate stirring against him, and after rinsing his hair again, he glanced over his shoulder to find Nate’s cock indeed rising. Lucas stared hungrily, longing to lean back and open his mouth. He looked up and met Nate’s eyes for a long moment. His heart beat double time in his chest, and he was sure Nate could hear it above the rush of water. Lucas twisted toward Nate’s cock, but grimaced at the stab of pain in his side. With a quick shake of his head, Nate reached over and snapped the water off, and the spell was broken. He stepped out of the shower and handed Lucas the crutches. “You need any more help?” “No, I’m good. Thanks.” Lucas tried to smile, but failed. Grabbing his clothes, Nate fled. ***** The next two days passed slowly. Nate spent all his time in Manhattan, only coming home to Staten Island late at night. He and Lucas spoke little, and Lucas made sure to knock himself out with pain pills so he’d be sleeping by the time Nate came in. He knew he was probably taking too many meds, but it needed to be done. After a few mangled attempts, Lucas had become adept at rewrapping his ribs and knee. The pain from his injuries was lessening by the day, which was a relief. He’d gotten used to the crutches and didn’t need as much help as before, although that didn’t stop Nate’s mother from doting on him. Lucas hated to admit it, but he enjoyed it. Mr. Kramer hadn’t mentioned anything to Lucas about Nate, but Lucas had the feeling he’d wanted to a few times. Lucas was grateful that he didn’t, as he was sure he’d burst into tears if the subject came up.

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While part of him loved being with the Kramers, being so close to Nate was torturous. On Thursday, Mrs. Kramer cooked a pot roast and garlic mashed potatoes. Lucas insisted that he could sit at the dining table and was just settling himself onto his chair when the front door opened. “Nathaniel?” Mrs. Kramer called from the kitchen. “Who else would it be?” Nate answered. “You ordered me home for dinner, remember?” A few moments later he walked into the dining room, cheeks rosy from the cold. He ignored Lucas and sat down across the table. Mr. Kramer carried in a platter of green beans. “Hello, son.” “Hi, Dad.” Nate managed a smile. “How was school?” Mr. Kramer took his seat at the head of the table and unfolded his napkin onto his lap. Nate shrugged. “Fine.” Mrs. Kramer bustled in with the rest of the food and took her place at the other end of the table. Lucas half listened as Nate’s father talked about his day at the office. He took quick peeks across the table at Nate, who nodded as his father talked, but kept his gaze on his plate. “Lucas, have you talked to your professors?” Snapping to attention, Lucas focused on Mr. Kramer. “What? Oh, my profs. Yeah, I’ve e-mailed them. I have some reading to do, but my books are at the apartment, so…” He’d considered asking Nate to get them, but hadn’t. “Oh my goodness, I never even thought of that!” Mrs. Kramer put down her fork. “You should have said something. I’m sure Nate will go get your books for you.” To Nate, she added, “Do you still have your key?” Lucas suspected Nate might have thrown the key off the ferry, or something equally dramatic. “It’s okay, really. Thanks, Mrs. Kramer. I can catch up later.” “Or I suppose Samuel could go by and get the books. If he’s not too busy being out God knows where every night.” Mrs. Kramer frowned. “I still have the key. I’ll get the stuff tomorrow.” Nate didn’t look up from his potatoes. “There you go. Lucas, you have all this time sitting around with your injuries; you might as well get some studying done. How are you enjoying your classes?” Mrs. Kramer picked up the platter of sliced beef. “More roast?” For the rest of the meal, Lucas talked about school with the Kramers while Nate silently finished his meal. When everyone was done, Nate pushed his chair back and picked up his plate. “Thanks for dinner, Mom. I need to do some studying upstairs.” Unspoken was the order that Lucas not join him. As his footsteps faded on the stairs, Mrs. Kramer sighed heavily. “I don’t know what’s gotten into that

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boy. He was so happy this summer. He’d finally come out of his shell this year, and now he’s crawled right back inside.” She looked beseechingly at her husband. “Benjamin, won’t you talk to him?” Mr. Kramer’s gaze met Lucas’s. “Yes, I think perhaps it’s time. I’ll sit down with him this weekend.” Would Nate’s father really tell him that he knew the truth?Although Lucas thought it would be for the best, worry still gnawed at his gut. ***** Lucas wasn’t sure what woke him -- a burst of pain, or perhaps a noise -- but he opened his eyes to colored shadows on the ceiling. Turning his head, he found Nate sitting on the other bed, watching him. Red light spilled out of the darkroom behind him, the door left open. “You were the first person I really trusted. You know, the first lover.” Lucas thought he might be dreaming. “Nate? What time is it?” He went on as if Lucas hadn’t spoken. “I want to trust you again.” Lucas was now wide awake, all traces of sleep vanished in an instant. His heart sped up. “I want that too.” “Can I? Can I trust you?” Lucas didn’t hesitate. “Yes.Yes .” “I miss you so much.” Tears sprang to Lucas’s eyes.Was this really happening? “I miss you too.” Sliding off the bed and onto his knees, Nate reached out and brushed a tear from Lucas’s cheek. “I’m so in love with you.” He half smiled. “I tried really hard not to be. Didn’t work.” Lucas thought for sure that he must be dreaming. “I love you, Nate. I love you.” With a red glow framing his head, Nate leaned down and kissed him. Lucas opened his mouth and their tongues glided together. Tasting Nate again, Lucas felt as if he was coming home. Nate deepened the kiss, leaning in closer. Lucas pulled away with a gasp as pain vibrated through his side. Nate rocked back on his heels. “Shit! Sorry.” “It’s fine, it’ll pass.” Lucas felt strangely awkward all of a sudden. Nateloved him. He’d said it, and Lucas had said it back. It wasmomentous . So…what were they supposed to do now? “I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m going to be doing much more than holding hands for a while.” Smiling, Nate kissed him gently. “I’m sure we can think of something.” “This is supposed to be the part where we passionately make love.” He grimaced. “I can’t believe I just said that.” They both laughed, and Lucas was overcome with bliss. After the weeks of tension and

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distance and anger, it was as if they’d never been apart. Nate got to his feet and went over to the darkroom and flicked off the light. Then he picked up the desk chair, taking it over to the bedroom door and jamming it underneath the knob. On his side, he squeezed in beside Lucas on the narrow bed, climbing under the covers. “Is this okay?” Lucas pulled him closer with a kiss. Chapter Twelve

Most of the room was still in shadows, but early morning light brightened the windows. Lucas stirred, trying not to wake Nate. They were wedged into the bed tightly, and he could hardly believe that it hadn’t been a dream. Nate loved him. They were back together. At least, he hoped they were and that nothing would change in the light of day. Smiling, Lucas watched Nate, his mouth slightly open in sleep, his dark eyelashes beautiful on his cheeks. He never thought he’d wake up next to Nate again, and he gave a silent prayer of thanks to the universe. As much as Lucas loved being in the same bed with Nate once more, he longed to stretch his limbs after the cramped night. His right arm was asleep between them, and he inched it upward. Nate shifted and muttered, and Lucas froze. He knew a moment of panic as he wondered if Nate would regain his senses and tell him it was all a mistake and that he didn’t love him after all. “We need to go back to our apartment.” Nate opened his eyes and smiled sleepily. “No home cooking from Mom, but the bed’s much more comfortable.” Exhaling, Lucas smiled back. “I couldn’t agree more.” They kissed softly, heads resting together on the pillow. Nate traced Lucas’s lips with his finger. “I missed kissing you.” “I missed you kissing me too.” Their lips met again, and Lucas swept his tongue into Nate’s mouth. As if a flip had been switched, they went from tender explorations to passionate kisses, and Lucas lost himself in Nate as his body woke up. “I want you,” Lucas said as he sucked in a breath. “So much.” As Nate rolled on top of him, Lucas’s healing ribs protested, and he flinched. Nate immediately moved back onto his side. “Sorry. I forgot.” “It’s okay, so did I.” Lucas shook his head. “It’s not fair. I finally get you back and we can’t even do anything.”

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“Well, we may not be able tomake love ,” Nate said, giving him his best cheesy romantic expression, “but all is not lost.” With a wink, Nate got to his feet. After pulling down Lucas’s comforter and moving it aside, he walked around to the foot of the bed. Ever so gently, he shifted Lucas’s right leg over, and then, getting on his hands and knees, he crawled between Lucas’s legs. Careful not to touch Lucas’s bad knee, Nate traced his fingertips up Lucas’s right leg. Before Nate even touched his cock, Lucas thought he might come at any second. Nate gave him a predatory look and abandoned the foreplay, pulling Lucas’s boxers down enough to pull him out. Nate’s voice was husky. “I need you in my mouth. I need to taste you again.” He bent over and his tongue swirled around the head, making Lucas moan. He hadn’t jerked off since the accident and he knew he wouldn’t last long the way Nate was sucking him. Lucas’s ribs ached as he breathed harder, his whole body twitching with pleasure as Nate’s hot mouth worked his cock. Watching Nate, he was floating on a cloud, happiness and pleasure swirling through him. Even though he’d gotten off with other guys, nothing compared to what he felt when he was with Nate. Nothing. His orgasm ripped through his body, his back arching as he shot deep into Nate’s throat. Tipping his head back, Lucas closed his eyes as the pleasure swept over him. Utterly spent, he took shallow breaths. Nate licked his lips and grinned. “Good morning to you too.” “That was -- I have no words.” Standing at the foot of the bed, Nate tugged his boxers down to his hips and began jerking himself off. Lucas groaned. “You’re going to get me hard again.” Chuckling, Nate walked around the side of the bed as he stroked his long cock. “Maybe that’s the plan.” Lucas laughed and reached for him. ***** Late that afternoon, Nate returned with Lucas’s school books. “I wasn’t sure which ones you needed, so I brought all the ones that were out on the coffee table.” He dropped his bag with a resounding thud on the carpet by the La-Z-Boy. Grinning, he leaned down and kissed Lucas. “You can thank me later.” “Your mom’s still out with her friends. I could thank you now.” Lucas waggled his eyebrows. “Yeah, about that.” Nate’s smile was gone, and he sat on the couch. “We need to talk. We should have talked before, but I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.” A coil of dread unraveled in Lucas. Had Nate changed his mind? “Okay.”

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“We should both get tested. It’s not like we’ve ever done it without a condom anyway, but it’s good to have peace of mind after we’ve been apart.” Lucas thought about having sex with Casey. They’d been safe, but Nate was right. You never knew. “Yeah, you’re right.” He thought of that morning, and Nate swallowing his semen. “So, about oral…do you ever use a condom for that? I know we never have.” “For me, it’s an acceptable risk. I tried it a couple of times with latex and it just -- it’s not even worth doing. The odds of transmission are low, and there are different schools of thought on spitting versus swallowing. So I’ve always done what I liked and been tested regularly.” “Makes sense.” Lucas had to admit that the idea of blowing someone over a condom wasn’t appealing. Nate peered at him. “You were safe while we were apart, right?” “Yeah, I was. I mean, that guy at the club in the bathroom, he didn’t…there was no condom.” His pulse raced. Bringing up that night was possibly a huge mistake. “But there was with Casey.” “Right. Okay. Good.” Nate nodded several times, short, staccato movements. Clearly he didn’t want to hear any details, and Lucas didn’t blame him. Lucas considered whether he should bring up his brief encounter with Ethan at that party, but since it had only involved handjobs, he kept quiet. “What about you? While we were apart?” Shifting in his chair, Nate seemed unsure of what to say. Finally he rolled his eyes. “Okay, so aside from a few jerk-off sessions in bathrooms, there wasn’t anybody.” “What? You weren’t with anyone? What about Mr.As the World Turns ?” “Huh?” Nate’s brow furrowed. “You know.Reed .” Lucas drew out the middle vowels to make the name sound even more ridiculous than it already was. With a blush, Nate shook his head. “There was no Reed. I made him up.” “What?” Lucas barked out a laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” “I wanted you to be jealous. I admit it wasn’t one of my finer moments.” “Of all the names in the world to choose from, you picked that one? What, was ‘Thorne’ taken?” Laughing, Nate tossed a cushion at Lucas’s head. “Okay, okay!” After his giggling subsided, Lucas crooked his finger. “C’mere.” Nate kneeled beside Lucas’s chair. “Is there something the patient needs?” He smiled wickedly. “Oh, hell yes.” Lucas leaned down, and their mouths met.

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Just then, the front door scraped open down the hallway. “Hello!” Mr. Kramer called. “Or not.” Lucas sighed, sitting back. Nate dropped onto the couch with a comical frown. “Hi, Dad!” He added under his breath, “Perfect timing, as always.” Mr. Kramer walked into the den. “Hello, boys.” For a moment, he said nothing else, but simply looked at them. Nate’s brow creased. “You okay, Dad?” “Yes, yes. I’m fine. Long day at the office.” “Tell me about it.” Nate laughed. “I’ve gotta have a shower. I stink of ferry.” Nate bounded off the couch, and as he disappeared into the hall, they could hear him whistling. Mr. Kramer took Nate’s seat on the couch, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he did. For a few moments, he and Lucas looked at each other, and heat spread over Lucas’s cheeks. Mr. Kramer smiled broadly. “So, I take it things are…on the mend?” Blushing even more, Lucas nodded. How could Mr. Kramer tell? “Yeah, we worked things out.” “Good, good. Glad to hear it. He was being frightfully stubborn, wasn’t he?” Lucas shrugged. “I don’t blame him.” “Well, it’s all in the past now, I hope.” “I hope so too. I think it is.” Mr. Kramer nodded again. After a few moments he said, “He was terrified when you were hurt, you know.” “He was?” A wave of warm happiness spread over Lucas, followed by a pang of guilt that he should take pleasure in Nate’s pain. “Oh, yes. When I picked up the phone I heard the panic in his voice right away.” Reaching over, Mr. Kramer patted Lucas’s knee fondly. “Thank goodness it all worked out. Situations like that -- injuries, hospitals -- have a tendency to expose truths.” Sitting back, he took off his glasses and wiped them with the ever-present handkerchief in his pocket. Lucas smiled at the similarity to Nate. “Although, perhaps Nate and I should still have that talk.” “You mean…about him? About us?” “I think it’s high time. It’s also long past due that he confesses the fact that he isn’t going to be a lawyer.” “I’ve tried to get him to tell you guys. I don’t know what he’s waiting for.” The front door opened, and they heard Mrs. Kramer in the foyer. Mr. Kramer smiled sadly. “Nor do I.”

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***** “Pass the sweet and sour chicken balls.” Sam nudged his brother. Nate gave him an incredulous look. “Seriously? You’re eating more?” “Dude, I’m hungry!” Passing the carton of food, Nate shuddered. “How you aren’t three hundred pounds is beyond me.” “Now, now. Let’s just be happy Samuel has decided to grace us with his presence,” Mrs. Kramer said. She certainly had passive aggression down to a science, Lucas thought to himself. “Sam, how’s work going?” “It’s cool, man. I sold a new program to this big, multinational company. My commission’s going to be legendary.” “What kind of company?” Mr. Kramer asked, cracking open his fortune cookie. “Pharmaceutical. They’re working on a new drug for Parkinson’s disease. It’s supposed to revolutionize treatment if it works.” Lucas was always a bit taken aback when he was reminded that under the frat boy exterior, Sam was actually smart. “Wow, that would be amazing.” Mrs. Kramer beamed with pride, her earlier prickliness forgotten. “And just think, you’ll be a part of it, Sam.” Nate snorted derisively. “Mom, he sold them a computer program. He’s not curing cancer.” “Ah, there’s that outspokenness again. I’m not sure I’ve missed it, Nathaniel.” Mrs. Kramer frowned. “A thrilling time is in your immediate future,” Mr. Kramer said. Lucas, Nate, Sam, and Mrs. Kramer looked at him, puzzled. Sam spoke up first. “Huh?” Waving the small slip of paper from his cookie, Mr. Kramer repeated himself. “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.” The tension broken, everyone chuckled. Cracking his own fortune cookie, Lucas pulled the paper out. “Flattery will go far tonight.” Mrs. Kramer laughed. “Tell me again how much you enjoyed the takeout I ordered, and perhaps I’ll bake some brownies tomorrow!” Sam, with a mouthful of chow mein, cracked his cookie. “You are talented in many ways.” “Except in table manners,” Nate noted, although he smiled. Mrs. Kramer pulled out her fortune. “Keep your plans secret for now.”

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“Ohhhh, Mom’s got a secret!” Sam grinned. Mr. Kramer templed his fingers. “Hmm, the plot thickens.” “Come on, what’s yours?” Sam nodded at Nate, who was quietly reading his fortune. Under the table, Nate’s foot rubbed against Lucas’s. Nate cleared his throat. “To love is to forgive.” “Isn’t that the truth! I tell you, those Chinese know what they’re talking about.” Mrs. Kramer nodded sagely. Nate smiled affectionately. “Mom, they make these in a factory in Jersey.” “Still, they’re words to live by. Don’t you think?” She looked at her husband. “Absolutely, my darling,” Mr. Kramer agreed. Lucas was careful not to look at Nate, but he smiled to himself as he ate his cookie, Nate’s foot warm as it stroked his own. ***** “So.” Nate glanced up as he unbuttoned his shirt. “So, what?” “When are you going to tell them?” Lucas leaned against the headboard. “Tell them what?” “Take your pick, but I meant when are you going to tell them that you’re moving back in with me.” For a moment, Lucas felt uneasy. “I mean, you are going to, right?” “Of course.” Nate slipped his shirt off and tossed it on the chair. “You think I want to stay in this room? I’ll go crazy. I was going to move in with Jamie so I could have some freedom again.” “Oh. Jamie.” Lucas was instantly, ridiculously jealous. “Yeah, you know, my goodfriend? Emphasis onfriend . Lucas, you know there’s nothing going on.” “I know, I know. Sorry.” Lucas smiled sheepishly. “I just want you all to myself.” “Don’t worry, you’ll have me.” Nate leered with exaggeration. “When were you going to move in with him? Will he be out the rent if he can’t find someone?” Nate laughed. “No, he already found someone.” “Already? Wow, that was fast.”

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“Turns out he had a backup, since, as he put it, it was only a matter of time before I took my head out of my ass and got back together with you.” Lucas grinned. He had to remember to buy Jamie a drink next time he saw him. “He knows you better than you thought, huh?” “I guess so.” Nate smiled. “But I don’t think I can move back in until after the holidays.” “The holidays? It’s only the beginning of December. Isn’t Hanukkah late this year?” “Yeah, but how will I explain moving back in with you all of a sudden? If I do it in the new year once school’s back in, I’ll just tell them the commute was getting to be too much again.” “Or you could tell them the truth now.” Lucas’s stomach knotted as he waited for Nate’s response. Nate’s hands froze on his belt. “What?” “Tell them the truth. About us. Don’t you think it’s time?” Shaking his head, Nate jerked his belt open. “No.” “Come on. What are you so afraid of?” Nate barked out a laugh. “You can’t seriously be asking that. What do you think?” “Nate, your parents love you. Maybe they’ll surprise you. Being gay --” “Keep your voice down,” Nate hissed. He sat down across from Lucas on the other bed. “You don’t understand.” “You can’t keep hiding it forever.” Nate was silent for a few moments. “This isn’t the right time.” “When will it be? Nate, we’ve been together for almost a year now. We can’t keep pretending. I hate lying to them.”Well, to Nate’s mother and brother, at least. “You think I like it?” “No. So why don’t you stop?” “Because it’s not easy!” Nate ran his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “You remember her friend with the lesbian daughter? She talked about it the other day. What a ‘tragedy’ it was for the Greenbergs, and how she was their only daughter and now they wouldn’t have grandkids.” “But lesbians can have babies. So could we, if we wanted. I mean, we couldn’t give birth to them, but you know what I mean.” Lucas hadn’t given it much thought, but he could see himself and Nate far down the road with a family. “Try telling it to my mother.” Nate stood and paced. “Look, I love my mom. I really, really do. But she will not understand. You’re her darling little Lucas now, but that’s all over if she finds out the truth.”

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Lucas thought in silence. “Maybe if you talked to your dad first. He could help you with your mom.” “No, he won’t. Trust me, I know my family, okay?” Lucas bit back his initial response. As much as he wanted to tell Nate that his father knew the truth, he couldn’t. Nate would freak if he knew Lucas had kept that secret. With resignation, he thought of Mr. Kramer’s kind eyes and sadness at the fact that Nate didn’t trust him enough with the truth. Finally Lucas said, “I still think they could surprise you.” “Can we drop this?” Nate kicked his pants off, leaving them on the floor. “Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Stretching out on his bed, Nate shook his head. “It’s not you.” “There’s something else we need to talk about.” Nate groaned softly. “Do we have to?” “It’s not about your parents, I promise.” That got a smile, at least. “Okay. What is it?” “I’ve been thinking.” “Dangerous activity, that.” Lucas laughed softly. “Shut up and listen.” “I’ll try.” “So, I’ve been thinking. About what you said before. That we were kidding ourselves being together. That it would never work out.” Nate rose up on his elbow and rested his head in his palm. “I didn’t mean that.” “Are you sure?” “Of course I’m sure.” “It sounded as if you meant it before.” Lucas had tried not to think about it, but the nagging questions remained. “I was angry. I was hurt.” “Isn’t there always some truth to the things we say?” Nate pushed himself up and sat on the side of the bed. “I’m telling you I didn’t mean it.” “As long as you’re sure.”

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“Of course I’m sure. It was… Look, before I met you, I never let anyone get close. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I told myself that relationships never work and that love is for suckers.” Lucas smiled wryly. “And they say romance is dead.” “But then I met you, and I realized I was wrong.” “Really?” Lucas’s stomach fluttered. “Yes, really. So, when things…got messed up, I told myself that I’d been right before and that we were fooling ourselves. But the only person I was fooling was myself, and not very well.” Reaching out to the other bed, Lucas took Nate’s hand. “It won’t always be easy, but we can make this work. I know we can.” “Damn right.” After lying down again, Nate reached across the divide between the twin beds and Lucas took his hand once more. He squeezed tightly, and Nate squeezed back. Chapter Thirteen

Something tickled his neck, and Lucas fidgeted, shifting sleepily. The tickling returned, accompanied by moist lips pressing soft kisses to his neck. Opening his eyes, Lucas found Nate bending over the bed, dressed for school. “You need to shave.” Lucas smiled. “I knew one of these years the day would finally come.” They kissed, and Lucas urged Nate closer, shifting over on the bed so Nate could jam in on his side. Mindful of Lucas’s healing injuries, Nate propped himself up on his arms and leaned over Lucas, kissing him again. “Mmm. Why don’t you skip school?” “Can’t.” Nate did that thing with his tongue that always made Lucas’s dick rise to attention without fail. “We’re taking pictures at the Central Park Zoo. Field trip.” “I wish I could go with you.” Nate pressed a kiss to Lucas’s cheek. “So do I. You’re my favourite subject.” “Flattery will get you everywhere.” Lucas dipped his tongue into Nate’s mouth. After a few more kisses, Nate leaned back reluctantly. “I really have to go.” “I guess I’ll just have to jerk off and think about you.”

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“Hmm. Maybe I’ll give you a quick hand.” Nate waggled his eyebrows and pulled back the duvet, his fingers gripping Lucas through his pajamas. Laughing, Lucas kissed him again. As the door opened, he registered the knock at the same moment he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Nate rocketed to his feet, and they both stared at Mrs. Kramer, who was frozen in the doorway, her right hand on the knob, her left in the air in a fist, prepared to knock on the door again as she entered. Her eyes flicked back and forth between Lucas and Nate, her mouth agape. Feeling exposed, Lucas reached down and pulled the duvet back over him, sitting up against the headboard. The movement seemed to break the spell of silence. Mrs. Kramer’s voice wavered. “What is this?” She stared at Nate beseechingly. “Nathaniel?” Her arms dropped to her sides, hands in tight fists. “Mom. I don’t…I… We wanted to tell you.” “Tell me?” She shook her head. “No.” Lucas wondered if he should speak up, but waited for Nate to say something else. Nate cleared his throat. “I know this is a shock for you. But we love each other.” A hysterical laugh escaped her mouth. “Love? That’s not possible! This is not possible! No, you don’t know what you’re saying.” “Please, Mrs. Kramer. We really do love each other.” Lucas felt light-headed. Her gaze narrowed on him. “This is how you thank us for bringing you into our home and our family? By turning my son into a-a --” She stopped, grasping for words. “A faggot? Is that the word you’re looking for, Mom?” Nate stood up straighter. “Well here’s a news flash. I was a faggot long before I met Lucas.” Tears streamed out of her eyes, tracking traces of mascara down her cheeks. “Don’t say that! Why would you say that?” “Because it’s the truth! I was afraid to tell you and Dad for so long because I knew how you’d react. I knew you’d hate me.” Mrs. Kramer recoiled as if she’d been slapped. After a moment, she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “I could never hate you.” Nate swiped a tear from his face. “But you can never accept me either. I’m gay, Mom. It’s just who I am.” She shook her head, shell-shocked. “You’re confused. You’re both confused.” “No, Mom. We’re not.” Nate reached down and Lucas took his hand. “We know exactly who we are and what we mean to each other.”

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Staring at them for a long moment, Nate’s mother cried silently. Then she turned on her heel, leaving the door ajar. Lucas could hear her go downstairs and use the phone, her muffled voice obviously distressed. Nate sank to his knees on the floor. Without a word, Lucas eased Nate’s head onto his lap and stroked his hair as he cried. ***** Forty-five minutes later, Lucas heard Mr. Kramer’s car pull into the driveway. Nate had been standing in the window, staring out blankly, saying little. Lucas had gotten dressed and now he reached for his crutches. He looked at Nate, who nodded. Downstairs, they found Nate’s parents in the living room. Unlike the cozy den, the front living room was rarely used. Mrs. Kramer sat on the couch, back ramrod straight. Her husband, still in his work suit, unbuttoned his jacket and sat beside her. Lucas caught Mr. Kramer’s eye as he lowered himself into the armchair. Mr. Kramer gave him a brief smile and what Lucas hoped was an understanding that they not reveal their secret conversations. He and Nate were together again, and he didn’t want to rock the boat. At least not right away. Standing beside Lucas’s chair, Nate shifted nervously in the silence. Finally he went into the dining room, returning with a chair that he placed beside Lucas. “So,” he said, sitting down. “I guess you’re shocked.” Mr. Kramer spoke evenly. “Your mother tells me that you and Lucas are having a relationship.” “Really, is that how she put it, Dad?” “Perhaps not in those words. That’s beside the point.” “No, it’s not. It’s really, really not.” Nate fidgeted with his hands. “I assume she told you I said I’m gay. Well, I am. It’s the truth, whether you want to accept it or not.” Mrs. Kramer bit back a sob. Her husband patted her arm, but kept his gaze on Nate. “This doesn’t come as a surprise to me.” As Lucas’s stomach flip-flopped, Mrs. Kramer made a strangled sound. “What are you talking about? What do you mean?” Nate shifted in his seat and watched his father speculatively. “You knew?” “Yes. I had my suspicions. I was waiting for you to come to me.” Mr. Kramer smiled ruefully. “Waited too long.” “And you didn’t tell me?” Mrs. Kramer stared at her husband in shock. “You never said a word to me, all those times I talked to you about finding a girl for Nate! You just let me prattle on like a fool!” “I hoped Nathaniel would come to us when he was ready. I didn’t want to push him. I did hint, Deanna. I’m afraid you didn’t listen.” “Mom, it’s not so bad.” Nate smiled tentatively. “I’m really happy with Lucas. We’ve had some problems along the way, but I’m happy. For the first time.”

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“How?” She shook her head. “How could you be happy living this way? Why would you choose this?” Lucas braced himself as he sensed Nate’s hackles rise. “It’s not a choice. This is the way we were born.” “No. Not my son.” Mrs. Kramer’s jaw tightened. “I don’t know what’s happened to you.” “Deanna.” Mr. Kramer spoke gently. “Nate is the same boy we raised. The same boy we love. You have to accept who he is.” “No. I’ll never accept him living like…this,” she spat. As if the thought had just occurred, she suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh my Lord. What will everyone say?” Nate shot up out of his chair. “Right, because who cares how I feel, or how Lucas feels. The big concern is what the neighbors and the people at temple and your friends will think.” Mrs. Kramer seemed lost in her own world, her gaze unfocused. “I thought we did everything right. You’re going to be a lawyer, and marry a good girl, and give us grandchildren.” “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m sure your precious Sam will still carry on the family name.” Mr. Kramer took hold of his wife’s hand. “Deanna. This isn’t about anything we did or didn’t do. It isn’t about us.” Nate had begun pacing back and forth a few steps. “Here’s another surprise for you, Mom. You can give up on all those dreams now, because I’m not going to be a lawyer. I never wanted to, and I never will.” Her attention snapped back to Nate. “Pardon?” “I’m not going to law school. I switched my classes from prelaw to photography. It’s what I love. It’s what I want to do.” “You should have told us this summer, Nate.” Mr. Kramer gave him a stern look. “I know you’ve been going through a lot, but cowardice plays a role here.” After a moment, Nate nodded. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry I switched classes, and I’m not sorry for who I am.” Silence blanketed the room, and Lucas wondered again if he should say something. Yet he couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t make the situation worse. Finally he settled on a simple truth. “Um.” Everyone’s gaze turned to him. “Mr. and Mrs. Kramer, I just want to say that I’m very grateful to you for everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate your kindness and generosity more than you could ever know.” Mr. Kramer smiled at him, while Mrs. Kramer nodded stiffly. Mr. Kramer said, “You’re always welcome here, Lucas. Youand our son, of course.” Lucas wasn’t so sure Nate’s mother agreed. She said nothing. Nate looked at her directly. “What about you, Mom?”

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“You’re my son. Of course.” She focused on Lucas. “I know you don’t have anyone else, and I couldn’t in good conscience turn you out. However, while you’re under my roof, I don’t want to hear another word about this, this…disgusting lifestyle. Ever. From either of you.” “Deanna --” “No, Dad.” Nate approached his mother. “So you’re saying Lucas and I are welcome here as long as we pretend to be people we’re not. So if I go on pretending that I’m not gay, I’m welcome in my own home. Well, guess what? I’m done pretending. I should have stopped a long time ago. You did me a favor walking in on us this morning. I’m gay, Mom. And it has nothing to do with Lucas. He’s not the first man I’ve been with.” Mrs. Kramer shuddered and shrieked, “Don’t say such things! Who are you? Shouting at me? What happened to my quiet little son?” “He grew up.” Nate looked as if he wanted to say more, but thought better of it. Finally he added, “Don’t worry; I won’t subject you to any more of the awful truth.” Turning to Lucas, Nate held out his hand. “We’re not welcome here after all.” Taking Nate’s hand, Lucas stood and leaned on his crutches. Mr. Kramer regarded them sadly. “Please stay. This isn’t the solution.” Mrs. Kramer cried, “How could you do this? How could my own son be so cruel?” Nate watched his mother forlornly. “I’m sorry that who I am and who I love hurts you.” With that, he and Lucas returned upstairs to pack, the sounds of Mrs. Kramer’s sobs echoing through the house. ***** Balancing a box in one hand and a big duffel over his shoulder, Nate fished the apartment keys out from his pocket. With a grunt, he managed to open the door without dropping the box of expensive photography equipment. Lucas followed on his crutches, although his knee was feeling well enough that he thought it was time to start walking -- well,limping , on it. He leaned his crutches against the wall then he closed the door and took a tentative step. So far, so good. “Sure you don’t want the crutches?” It was one of the first things Nate had said to him since his father had dropped them off at the ferry station on Staten Island. Mr. Kramer had said good-bye regretfully and told Nate to give his mother some time. On the ferry and cab ride home, Lucas had simply held Nate’s hand, leaving him alone with his thoughts as they watched the city go by. “Yeah, I think I’m ready to walk again. I feel a lot better, actually. I think your mom’s home cooking and TLC was just what the doctor ordered.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he grimaced. “I mean…I don’t.”Stop talking , he silently ordered himself. “It’s okay. I know what you mean.” Nate peered around the apartment, which was already slightly musty from days of emptiness. “I was hoping it had gotten bigger since I was gone.”

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Lucas laughed, and they shared a smile. “’Fraid not. Just dustier.” “Alas. Well, I doubt my parents are going to be giving me any more money, so I don’t think we’ll be able to afford anything bigger for…well, possibly ever, considering the job prospects in my chosen field.” Lucas lowered himself to the futon, pleased when he registered that his ribs didn’t burn with the movement. “Nate, don’t worry about money. I told you before, my dad left me plenty.” Nate opened his drawers in the dresser, which Lucas had left empty. “No way. I can pay my own way. I’ll get a job.” Deciding to give up the argument for now, Lucas nodded. “Okay.” He sat in comfortable silence as Nate finished unpacking. As he carefully emptied his box of equipment, Nate said, “I can’t believe my father knew and never said a word.” He looked at Lucas. “Can you believe that?” Lucas swallowed hard. “Unbelievable.” The pangs of guilt over not telling Nate the truth were becoming harder to ignore. Maybe he should just tell him. Did he really want to start their lives together again with a big lie hanging in the air? “I wouldn’t have felt so isolated, so cut off from my family if he’d told me the truth. The whole summer in Europe, he could have said something.” Lucas shifted uneasily. “But so could you. You could have told him the truth.” “It’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s not that simple.” “Maybe it’s not for your dad either.” Breaking down the cardboard box and flattening it, Nate pondered that. “You’re right. I guess I just wonder. You know, what kind of relationship we could have had.” “You’re talking as if it’s all past tense. It’s not too late.” Nate snorted. “You were there today, right? You heard my mother? Nothing will ever be the same again at home. Just wait until Sam finds out. He’s going to totally freak, and no matter what my dad might think, it’s my mother who controls the family.” Lucas couldn’t argue with that. Nate joined him on the futon, their legs touching. Nate leaned his head back. “I don’t want to talk about my family anymore.” “Okay.” Lucas tried to push aside his feelings of guilt. “What do you want to talk about?” Nate’s hand found Lucas’s thigh, his fingers dancing on the denim. “How about the fact that we haven’t had makeup sex yet?” A bolt of desire charged the air. Lucas leaned into him, brushing their lips together. “That really is wrong.”

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“Think you’re up for it?” “Keep touching my thigh like that and I will be momentarily.” Nate giggled softly. “You know what I meant.” “I know. Yeah, I think if we go slow, okay?” Nodding, Nate kissed him more deeply, sucking Lucas’s tongue into his mouth. They kissed until they were both hard and panting, and Nate carefully pulled Lucas to his feet, walking him the few steps around the corner to the bed. As Lucas stretched back on the mattress, another stab of guilt gnawed at his gut. What would happen if Nate found out Lucas had known the truth about Nate’s father? Would it wedge another sudden wall between them? Nate had forgiven him for cheating; Lucas wasn’t sure this lie would ever be forgiven or forgotten. Kneeling over Lucas, Nate stripped off his shirt, and Lucas was filled with lust. Reaching up, he swept his hands across Nate’s firm chest. Maybe his confession could wait… Leaning down, Nate kissed him. “I love you. I love you so much.” And the guilt just keeps on building, Lucas thought. Tearing himself away from Nate’s mouth, Lucas took a deep breath. Before he could change his mind, he got the words out. “There’s something I need to tell you.” A frown creased Nate’s smooth face. “Can’t it wait?” “No. It can’t. Nate, I want to start again with nothing between us. I need to tell you this.” Sitting back on his heels, Nate shifted over and leaned against the wall. “Okay.” Lucas pushed himself up so he was sitting too. Another deep breath filled his lungs and he exhaled slowly. “Your father came to see me last month.” Nate watched him warily. “Okay.” “He said he was worried about you, and that you weren’t happy, and that…he knew. He knew about us. He knew you’re gay.” Nate was on his feet by the end of the bed in an instant. “What? He said that?” Lucas nodded. “He told me not to give up on you. He said he wanted you to be happy.” For a few moments there was only silence as Nate took this in. Then, “How could you not tell me?” “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do! You weren’t even talking to me, and I didn’t want to upset you any more than I already had.” Nate’s jaw tightened. “You should have told me. If not then, when we got back together.”

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“I know. I wanted to! It was just so amazing the last couple of days being with you again, and I didn’t want to ruin it.” “I need to get some air.” Nate shoved his arms into his shirt and yanked it down over his head. “Wait.Please .” In the living room, Nate zipped his jacket and reached for his keys. He was gone before Lucas could ask if he was coming back. Chapter Fourteen

Stirring, Lucas opened his eyes, blinking against the harsh light. He realized he must have finally fallen asleep waiting for Nate to return. The cheap Ikea lamp was still on in the living room, and Lucas wasn’t sure what had woken him. A moment later darkness fell. Nate was back. Lucas pushed himself up onto his hand. He could see Nate’s shadowy figure moving in the living room. Then Nate was at the end of the bed, ducking into the bathroom. The door closed, and Lucas waited. At least Nate had returned. That was surely a good sign. When the door opened, Nate stepped out and stopped at the end of the bed. Lucas’s eyes had become accustomed to the dark, and the streetlights illuminated the apartment better than he usually would have liked. “Hey,” Lucas finally said. “Hey.” In a few quick motions, Nate shed his shirt and pants. In his boxers, he moved over to his usual side of the bed. He looked at Lucas. “You’re still dressed.” “Yeah, I guess I fell asleep.” Silence stretched out for a few beats. Then Nate reached over and traced Lucas’s cheekbone with his fingertip. “I’m sorry I left. I know I can be impossible sometimes.” Lucas still held his breath. “So, you’re back? For good?” Brushing their lips together, Nate smiled. “For good.” Lucas exhaled in a rush, relief flooding him. “I love you, Nate.” “Me too.” They kissed again, soft small kisses of affection. Nate pulled back. “Let’s just make a pact to be honest with each other. We’ve both made mistakes. Let’s wipe the slate clean.” “Deal.” Lucas kissed him and fell back on the bed, pulling Nate with him and ignoring the twinge in his ribs. With Nate’s help, Lucas took his clothes off, and Nate tossed his boxers on the pile before kicking it off the bed unceremoniously. “God, I want you,” Nate murmured as their bodies came together, hands lightly exploring, fingers skimming over skin. “But I don’t want to hurt you.”

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Between kisses, Lucas got out, “It’s okay. I don’t care.” Pulling back, Nate looked at him for a long moment before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I do.” With tender hands, he urged Lucas onto his side. Spooning up behind him, Nate kissed and sucked on Lucas’s neck, his hand reaching over to caress Lucas’s nipples. When Nate’s slick fingers entered him, Lucas moaned and pushed back onto them. Nate teased and opened him for what felt like an eternity before reaching for the condom. As Nate pushed inside him, a sensation of bliss overcame Lucas. Nate slowly rocked his hips forward, and Lucas had never felt so connected to another person. As they made love, Nate whispered endearments and stroked Lucas’s chest. Lucas covered Nate’s hand with his own, holding it tightly as the fire stoking in his belly burned brightly and tightened his balls. “I love you, Nate. I love you.” Lucas groaned as he came, pleasure curling his toes and robbing him of breath. As he returned to earth, Nate continued moving inside him. Lucas squeezed down and felt Nate’s gasp on the back of his neck as Nate shuddered with release. Still holding onto Nate’s hand, Lucas sniffled as his eyes welled and overflowed. Holding him close, Nate leaned down and kissed the tears away. ***** Lucas woke to the smell of brewing coffee and the sounds of Nate moving around the kitchen. Smiling, he stretched his limbs tentatively, his smile growing as he felt only a few dull twinges of pain. “What are you smiling about?” Nate appeared with a steaming mug of coffee. “Everything. You. The fact that my body doesn’t hurt every time I move anymore.” Sitting up against the pillows, Lucas took the coffee. “Do I get breakfast in bed?” “Indeed you do.” With a flourish, Nate went to the kitchen and returned with his coffee and a box of chocolate chip cookies. “Unfortunately, this is all I could dig up. Did you stop eating entirely while I was gone?” Nate settled himself into bed beside Lucas, mindful of the hot coffee. Reaching for a cookie, Lucas shrugged. “I really didn’t feel like cooking. I’m amazed you didn’t find tumbleweeds in there.” Nate laughed. “At least my mother’s fattened you up a bit.” His smile faded. Lucas took Nate’s hand. “Are you okay?” “No.” He shook his head. “I’m in shock I think. Part of me is so happy, you know? Being back with you. I missed you so much.” Lucas kissed him. “I missed you too. Every day.” “Then I think of my mother and my father and I just feel…loss. Like there’s a big hole. Does that make sense?”

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“Of course it does.” Lucas thought of his father with a pang. “I still can’t believe my dad knew.” Lucas tensed, not sure of what to say. Finally he settled on, “He really loves you, you know.” “I know.” Nate leaned in and kissed Lucas’s cheek. “Relax. I understand why you didn’t tell me, okay? I know I’m not the easiest person sometimes. I’m trying to change that.” “Neither of us is perfect.” Nate picked up a cookie and crammed it into his mouth. “But I do have perfect table manners,” he mumbled. “You take after your brother, clearly.” They finished off the bag of cookies, laughing and talking about nothing and everything. ***** A surge of cold water rained down, and Lucas reached down to adjust the taps, cursing under his breath. Once the water was hot again, he continued rinsing the shampoo from his hair. He’d hoped that Nate would join him in the shower, but Nate had barely said two words all day. He wasn’t angry, just unbearably sad. In the past few days, he’d brooded on and off about his parents, but not to this extent. Lucas left the bathroom door ajar, but Nate remained out of sight in the living room, where he’d wordlessly alternated between staring out the window and pouring over stacks of photographs he’d taken at the Met. Lucas wished there was something he could do. He saw the disgust on Mrs. Kramer’s face over and over in his mind, heard the judgment in her shrill voice. He reminded himself how much worse it was for Nate, but it didn’t make him feel any better. The knock came as Lucas toweled off his hair. He reached for a sweater and pulled it on before stepping into his jeans. Nate remained on the couch, although he stared at the door, his glasses sliding down his nose. “You expecting someone?” he asked. Lucas shook his head and took a few steps, peering through the peephole. He suppressed a squeak of surprise and opened the door. Sam waited, shuffling nervously from foot to foot, hands deep in his pockets. “Hi.” Lucas stepped aside and motioned him in. “Hey,” Sam replied. He stopped a few feet away from Nate, who stood in front of the couch. Lucas waited for either of the brothers to speak, but they simply stared at each other in silence. Lucas cleared his throat. “How’s it going, Sam?” “Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam was focused solely on his brother.

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“So you could call me even more names?” Nate’s tone was quiet. Defeated. “Go on, I’m sure you can’t wait to add ‘faggot’ and ‘queer’ to your repertoire. Oh, and ‘fudge packer’ -- that’s always a classic.” Sam appeared to struggle to find the right words. “You know I don’t mean it when I call you names. It’s just brother stuff. Kidding around.” “I never thought it was very funny.” “Oh.” Sam appeared completely adrift in this conversation. “Yeah, ‘oh.’ Is that what you came here to say?” “No.” Nate waited, eyebrows raised. “Any day now.” Lucas thought about intervening, but stayed silent. Sam cleared his throat. “Well, look…you’re my brother, man. I mean, it’s kind of weird that you guys are” -- he waved his hand back and forth between Nate and Lucas -- “you know. But I don’t care. Mom’s going off like it’s the end of the freakin’ world or something.” A pained expression creased Nate’s face. “I can imagine.” “But, dude, Dad’s fighting with her big time. I had to get outta there.” He shrugged. “I don’t get why it’s so major.” “You don’t?” Nate regarded his brother quizzically. “Once I found out, it was like everything made sense, you know?” Nate watched Sam silently as if he was waiting for the punch line. “You’re really okay with it?” Sam shrugged. “Yeah, why not?” He turned to Lucas. “Man, it must have been torture for you rooming with me and seeing me naked and stuff. But thanks for not hitting on me or anything.” A giggle bubbled up and Lucas tried to keep a straight face. He failed miserably, and Nate even smiled. Sam sputtered. “What? I’m just saying! Hello, I’m hot.” Lucas nodded, trying to stifle his laughter. “It was a challenge, Sam. I appreciate your understanding.” “Yeah, well. Mandy says gay people are just like everyone else, and I was thinking it would be hard to live with some hot chick I couldn’t bang.” “Mandy? When did you talk to her?” Lucas was happy to hear it. She was clearly a good influence. “This morning. I’m going over there after. I think she’s finally coming around.” “I hope so,” Nate said. “You’re really okay with the fact that I’m gay?”

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Sam smiled. “Yeah. I think I am.” “Well…thanks. I’m glad you don’t hate me.” Sam was taken aback. “Dude, I could neverhate you.” He reached out and jerked Nate into a hug, slapping his back forcefully. “You’re my brother. So what if you fuck guys?” Lucas smiled. Sam certainly had a way with words. After Nate extricated himself, Lucas saw him blink rapidly to banish the hint of tears in his eyes. Lucas distracted Sam. “We really appreciate your support. It means a lot.” “Hey, we’re friends, right?” Sam turned to Lucas and hugged him too. As Sam slapped his back, Lucas grinned. “Definitely friends.” Lucas was happy to discover that he really meant it. Chapter Fifteen

Pushing open the door with his shoulder, Nate dropped his grocery bags on the floor with a thud. He smirked. “Am I interrupting something?” Lucas and Kelly looked at each other and burst out laughing. Lucas pulled out theHigh School Musical DVD case he’d shoved between them on the futon and sighed dramatically. “Nate, there’s something you should know about me.” Nate leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “This should be good.” “I’m a closet Zac Efron fan. I love him. The singing. The dancing. The former gap between his teeth. All of it. I’m jealous of his girlfriend.” Kelly snorted. “You mean his beard.” “Look, we don’t know that he’s gay.” All three of them dissolved into giggles. Nate shook his head. “I’m afraid I can’t allow this. Get out. Pack your things; it’s over.” He smiled at Kelly. “Hi, by the way.” She waggled her fingers. “Hi! Nice to see you again.” Nate turned his focus back to Lucas. “As I was saying. It’s me or him.” “Nate, don’t make me choose. How can you be so cruel?” Lucas clutched his heart. “Besides, have you ever seen any of his movies?” Nate hauled the groceries into the kitchen. “Do I look like a twelve-year-old girl?” Lucas pretended to ponder it. “Well…”

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Laughing, Nate opened the fridge. “Forget I asked!” “Come on, Nate,” Kelly piped up. “Sit down and watch the movie, and I promise you will be humming the bad songs along with us by the end. It’s irresistible.” Shaking his head, Nate sighed heavily. “It’s a good thing I stopped at the liquor store.” A few hours later they were all tipsy from Long Island iced teas, and Nate had admitted defeat -- Zac Efron was cute. By the door, Kelly wrapped her scarf awkwardly around her neck. The alcohol seemed to have affected her the most. “Seriously, you don’t have to walk me home.” Reaching for her gloves, she listed badly and almost toppled over. “Uh, yeah. Clearly you’re good to go. Forget it, Meester. We’re walking you home.” Lucas buttoned up his jacket as he attempted to jam his feet into his shoes without bending over. He was unsuccessful. “Nate, you don’t have to come with me.” “You might need help carrying this one.” Nate smiled and jerked his head in Kelly’s direction. Outside, Lucas and Kelly sang and Nate gamely hummed along. The five blocks to Kelly’s building didn’t take long at all, and after making sure she was safely inside her apartment, Nate and Lucas headed back. Sobering up quickly in the chilly air, they held hands and walked in easy silence on the quiet streets. When they reached their block, Lucas asked the question he’d wanted to earlier, but hadn’t in front of Kelly. “Did you hear from them today?” Nate shook his head. “My dad left a message yesterday. I haven’t called him back yet.” “You should.” Lucas squeezed Nate’s hand. “I know.” As the days went on, Nate’s anger had faded away, leaving only sadness. Sensing that a change of subject was in order, Lucas edged closer on the sidewalk. “I have a confession.” Nate reacted with mock horror. “My God, I’ve just come to terms with your Zac Efron obsession. What now?” “I totally want to have sex with you.” After a moment, Nate burst out laughing. “I’m trying to think of a witty response, but I’ve got nothing.” Upstairs in their building, they stumbled into the apartment, giggling and tripping over each other as they took off jackets and shoes, leaving them in a pile by the door. Kissing, they made it to the bed, fumbling with each other’s buttons. Lucas wasn’t sure why he flashed on a memory of the basement party he and Casey had gone to, but he asked the question before he could think to stop himself. Perhaps the boozy iced teas had loosened his tongue. “Have you ever been tied up?” Nate’s eyebrows arched and his hands stilled on Lucas’s fly. “A few times.”

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“Is it…do you like it?” “It depends. It can be good if it’s with the right person.” “Someone you trust.” “Yeah. Someone you trust.” Lucas kissed him softly. “I want you to do it to me.” Nate took a deep breath, and Lucas could tell the idea turned him on. “You sure?” “Yes.” Lucas nodded emphatically. “Go take your clothes off.” Lucas quickly did as he was told as Nate went to the closet and rooted around inside. He came back with a few ties hanging from his hand. Lucas shivered with anticipation as he spread his arms out, allowing Nate to tie each wrist to the metal bed frame. Nate was still dressed and his cock bulged against his pants. He held a third and final tie, and kneeled over Lucas, peering at him closely. “Tell me if it’s too much.” Lucas’s throat was dry with excitement. “It’s okay.” Nodding, Nate tied the blindfold around his head, knotting it tightly. Lucas was hard and waiting as he listened to the brush of fabric as Nate shed his clothes. Then he moved away and Lucas heard sounds from the kitchen. The mattress dipped, and Lucas’s heart pounded as he waited for Nate to touch him. The seconds stretched out, and Lucas wanted to ask what was going on, but he stayed silent. Then something freezing touched his nipple, and he arched up in surprise, calling out. It was wet, and cold and hard; Lucas guessed it was an ice cube. It touched his other nipple, and then Nate trailed the cube down Lucas’s stomach, making his muscles spasm. As the ice cube circled his cock, Lucas cried out again, his whole body twitching. Then the cold was matched with hot, and Nate’s mouth enveloped Lucas’s cock and the ice. The hot/cold sensation was exquisite torture, and he moaned loudly. When the ice had melted, Nate’s mouth disappeared. Something cold dripped onto his chest. “What’s that?” Nate didn’t answer, instead lifting Lucas’s ass to deliver a stinging slap. “No questions. You only talk when I tell you to.” Lucas nodded as his cheeks flushed and his cock jumped. He heard Nate chuckle softly and sensed him leaning over him. “You like that?” Lucas nodded, his pulse thrumming. Nate’s tongue lapped up whatever it was he’d dripped onto

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Lucas’s chest, and he gently lifted Lucas’s legs up, pressing his knees into his shoulders, utterly exposing him. Lucas felt a twinge in his left knee, but his ribs had healed and he could live with a twinge, considering how hard his cock was getting. Nate’s hand delivered another slap to his buttocks, and Lucas bit his lip. Nate spanked the other cheek and Lucas moaned. He lifted his ass, urging Nate to do it again. He did, delivering a few more slaps until Lucas’s ass felt hot. Then heard the tear of foil and felt Nate’s breath on his face. “You want me to fuck you hard?” “Yes, yes,” Lucas croaked, licking his dry lips. Nate entered him without the slick slide of lube, and it burned as he pushed inside. Lucas’s legs were up around his ears, and once Nate was all the way in, he began thrusting roughly, pounding Lucas’s ass. Gasping for breath, Lucas saw stars behind his blindfold as Nate plowed into him. He’d never been fucked with such abandon, the pain and pleasure blurring as his ass stretched impossibly. Nate was breathing heavily, and droplets of his sweat landed on Lucas’s face. Lucas’s whole body was on fire, all his nerve endings seeming to end in his ass. He ignored the nagging pain in his knee, focusing on the intense pleasure. With the blindfold on, Lucas felt strangely removed from his body, yet more aware of it than ever. His orgasm ripped free from his cock, splattering onto his own face as waves of intense pleasure overtook him. Nate made a choking sound and sped up his thrusts, angling even deeper inside Lucas until his limbs trembled and he cried out, collapsing. They both struggled for breath, skin slick where they touched. Lucas’s legs were still folded up between them painfully, and after a minute he whimpered. Then Nate’s weight was gone, and in a few seconds he was back, untying Lucas’s wrists. Lucas’s legs flopped down to the mattress. Nate removed the blindfold, and Lucas blinked in the harsh light from the living room. Nate peered at him closely, caressing his cheek. “You okay?” Lucas had never felt so drained after sex, even when he’d fucked Nate. It was incredible. He nodded. “Lucas.” Nate’s face was now pinched with concern. “Really, are you okay? Was it too much?” He rubbed Lucas’s chest gently. “It’s okay, I deserve it,” Lucas joked. “No, you don’t!” Nate’s voice was suddenly loud in the still of the apartment. “Lucas, is that was this was about? You know I forgive you for before. It’s over. I don’t want to punish you.” “No, no, I know.” Lucas stroked Nate’s back, urging him down beside him, moving into his arms. “Sorry, it was a bad joke.” Nate didn’t seem convinced. “I just want to make sure that what we do in bed isn’t about our baggage. I don’t want to play rough if you’re doing it because it’s some fucked-up form of punishment for your mistake.

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“It’s not, I promise.” Lucas pressed their lips together. “It was just good sex. Really,really good sex.” Nate’s expression relaxed. “It was pretty fucking spectacular, if I do say so myself.” They both laughed and Lucas cleared his throat. “Maybe we can buy some…toys, or something.” It was ridiculous that he still felt any embarrassment after what they’d just done. Nate kissed his cheek softly. “Definitely.” He seemed to think carefully about what he said next. “We can explore together, Lucas. That could include other people, in the right circumstances.” “You mean, like, a threesome?” “Sure. It can be good. I know couples who play together sometimes.” He waggled his eyebrows. “But I’m not saying we have to or that we should,” he added hastily. “It’s just something to consider.” The idea intrigued Lucas. “As long as we do it together.” “Always.” Nate got up and stepped into the bathroom at the foot of the bed, returning with a wet washcloth and a tube of icy skin balm. After cleaning Lucas’s chest and face, he rolled him onto his stomach. Nate tenderly soothed some cream onto the cheeks of Lucas’s tender ass. “I don’t really see how I’m going to be able to sit in a hard chair in class tomorrow.” Nate laughed softly and pressed a kiss to the base of his neck. “We’ll just have to play hooky.” ***** The sharp knock on the door jerked both Nate and Lucas awake the next morning. Wiping his eyes, Nate grumbled. “Who is it, the truant officer?” The knock repeated, and Lucas rolled to the end of the bed, grabbing his robe from the hook on the back of the bathroom door. “I don’t remember NYU having such strict attendance policies.” Sliding the security chain, Lucas twisted the deadbolt and opened the door. He froze. Mr. Kramer, dressed in a suit for work, stood in the hallway. His smile was strained. “Hello, Lucas.” Out of the corner of his eye, Lucas saw Nate scrambling to get dressed. Lucas smiled. “Hi. Come in.” He stepped back. “Thank you.” Mr. Kramer put his briefcase down and closed the door behind him. He looked at Nate. “I had a meeting nearby, and I thought I’d take the chance that you might be home.” “Hi, Dad.” Nate shoved his hands deep into the pockets of the jeans he’d just put on. “I should get ready for school.” Lucas opened a dresser drawer and pulled out the first sweater he found. Picking up his pants from the corner by the end of the bed, he went into the bathroom. Resisting the urge to eavesdrop -- barely -- he turned on the water and stepped into the shower. As Lucas toweled himself off, he noted the silence from the rest of the apartment. Slipping his robe back

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on, he cautiously poked his head out of the bathroom. Mr. Kramer’s briefcase was gone and he couldn’t see Nate. Leaving the bathroom, he came around the corner into the living room and found Nate staring out the window. “He wants me to show up for dinner tonight.” Nate remained where he was, his gaze on some distant horizon. “Well, that’s good, right?” “No, becauseshe doesn’t know I’m coming.” “Oh.” Lucas cast about for something to say. “He figures that it’s time to make her to talk to me about this. Says things have been bad since I left.” “Are you going to go?” “No.” Nate turned from the window. “I’m not going to force my mother to see me. If she doesn’t want to talk or accept me the way I am, I’m not going to try and change her mind.” “She just needs time, Nate. Maybe if you go see her --” Nate turned back to the window. “No. I just can’t, okay?” He sniffed, and Lucas knew he’d find tears on Nate’s cheeks. Saying nothing, Lucas walked over to him and wrapped his arms around Nate, holding him tightly as he pressed a kiss against the back of his neck. They stood and watched the rooftops until Lucas squeezed Nate and smiled as he whispered in his ear. “Let’s play hooky after all.” ***** “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” Nate sat on the bench shaking his head. “What, skipping school? It’s not like it’s the first time.” Lucas reached out his hand. “Come on, up and on your feet.” “If my feet weren’t attached to skates right now, that wouldn’t be a problem.” “Trust me, I won’t let you fall.” Nate’s eyebrow arched. “I think gravity and the properties of ice will have something to say about that. Besides, you just recovered from an injury. Should you really be doing this?” “I’ll be fine. You just worry about yourself.” “I do, Lucas. Believe me.” He took Lucas’s hand anyway and let Lucas guide him onto the ice. “Okay, so the key is to bend your knees and just relax into it.” Lucas did a few strokes forward. “See? It’s easy.” His knee twinged, but it felt okay. Nate didn’t move. “Where did you learn to skate anyway?”

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“Minnesota. Me and my dad lived there one year, and there wasn’t a hell of a lot else to do, let me tell you.” “I believe you, don’t worry.” Arms out for balance, Nate tentatively pushed forward on his skates, moving a few inches. “There you go!” Giving Lucas a face, Nate put his hands on his hips. “Patronizing me is not going to help.” “Point taken.” Lucas stroked forward and waited for Nate to follow. He did, and although his form was shaky, they began slowly moving around Wollman Rink. Faster skaters zipped by, but the rink wasn’t too busy in the middle of the week. The sun was bright overhead and the air crisp, and Lucas gazed around at Central Park happily. The rink was nestled in the south end of the park, surrounded by trees and ponds, with skyscrapers standing guard. It was beautiful. Nate hadn’t brought his camera -- a sure sign that he was depressed -- and Lucas was sorry they wouldn’t be able to capture the splendor of the day for posterity. Nate chuckled. “You have that look.” “What look?” “The look that --” Nate suddenly windmilled his arms before regaining his balance. “The look you get sometimes when we’re out in the city. Like you’re in love.” “I am.” Lucas grinned. “With youand New York.” “We are awesome, it’s true.” “Yeah, you are.” Lucas wished they could hold hands as they skated around the rink, but he was leery of public displays of affection in the middle of the city in broad daylight. Suddenly Nate’s arms flailed again, and Lucas grabbed for him. Gravity did indeed win out, and they both landed in a graceless heap. “I told you so!” Nate laughed. “You just love being right.” Lucas got to his feet and hauled Nate up. “It’s true, I do. But not that much, believe me.” Laughing and smiling, they skated for another half an hour, with Nate managing to stay on his feet. “Okay, Lucas, it’s time for some hot nuts.” “I thought you’d never ask.” After returning their skates, they sat by the rink and watched the other skaters while nibbling on roasted almonds and cashews. Lucas took a contented breath. “This isso much better than school.” “Without a doubt.”

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Afraid to ruin their high spirits, Lucas nonetheless broached the subject of Nate’s family. “Have you thought any more about going home tonight?” Nate’s smile faded. “I just can’t right now. I keep thinking about --” He stopped talking suddenly. “About what?” Nate exhaled slowly. “The way she looked at me. The expression on her face. I never thought my own mother would look at me like that, Lucas.” “I’m sorry.” Lucas slid his arm around Nate’s shoulders, not caring what anyone thought. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but…you know I’m always here to listen, right?” “I know.” Nate leaned into him and they sat quietly. When their nuts were gone, Nate shook off his sadness and stood up. “Come on. I know exactly where to go next.” Lucas fell into step beside him and they walked away from the rink into another part of the park. In the distance, Lucas thought he heard a faint melody on the air. As they came over the rise of a hill, a small, short, rounded brick building came into view. The sloped roof rose to a spire in the center. “What’s that?” Nate grinned. “You’ll see.” As they got closer, the music became louder, and Lucas caught a glimpse of something moving round inside the building. Coming around to the front side, Lucas saw brightly colored horses spinning by, laughing children and adults on a few of their backs. It was glorious. “A merry-go-round?Awesome .” “You really sounded like my brother just then.” Nate smiled and ducked as Lucas pretended to wind up to hit him. “Central Park carousel. You can’t be a true New Yorker without taking a ride.” As the carousel slowed, they bought their tickets and joined another couple waiting to hop on. Since it was a weekday, there weren’t many people around, and they had their pick of the horses. Lucas and Nate both chose ones that moved up and down, and they clambered up on side-by-side horses. A few seconds later, the carousel grinded into action, and a new song came over the loudspeakers. As they picked up a surprising amount of speed, Petula Clark sang “Downtown,” and Lucas grinned at Nate, who winked in return. “I have to come back and take some pictures.” In Lucas’s experience, life provided the rare perfect moment, and this was one of them. ***** After spending the afternoon in Central Park, they walked through the theater district. Nate teased Lucas about his love of musicals, and they were laughing when they suddenly came face to face with

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Nate’s aunt Linda and cousin Rachel. Rachel grinned. “Hey!” Sensing Nate’s unease as his aunt kissed his cheek, Lucas smiled at Rachel and Linda. “Hi! What are you doing in the city?” Linda returned his smile. “Hello, dear. We’re just rushing to dinner before we seeBilly Elliot .” “Oh, I hear it’s great! I’m sure you’ll love it.” Lucas smiled again. He knew Nate was wondering if his mother had told her sister what was going on, and Lucas was guessing the answer was no. “How are you feeling? You look back to normal. Deanna told us about that dreadful accident.” “A million times better. Thanks for asking,” Lucas replied. “Where are you boys off to?” Linda asked. “Back to the Village. Having a few drinks at the Stonewall.” It wasn’t true, but Lucas knew why Nate had brought up the famous gay bar. A puzzled expression crossed Linda’s face. “Stonewall?” “Yeah, the Stonewall Inn? I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” Rachel appeared just as confused as her mother, but Lucas suspected it was for a different reason. “Am I supposed to have heard of it?” Rachel asked. Linda ignored her. “But…you know what kind of place that is, don’t you?” “I’m not sure, Aunt Linda. What kind of place is it?” His jaw clenched. Realization dawned on Linda’s face in a way that would have been comical in another situation. “Oh, Nathaniel.” She glanced back and forth between Nate and Lucas. “Tell me it isn’t so.” “Oh, it’s so.” Nate smiled without humor and slung his arm about Lucas’s shoulders. “Gotenu. No wonder your mother’s been acting so strangely.” “Yes, my God! I’m gay, Aunt Linda.” “Wait -- are you twoboyfriends ?” Rachel’s mouth dropped. “Yep. We are.” Nate squeezed Lucas close, and Lucas smiled hopefully. “That’sso cool!” Rachel bounced on the pavement. “Rachel!” Her mother stared at her, horrified. “What?” Rachel rolled her eyes. “Mom, it’s the twenty-first century, just in case you didn’t get the

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memo.” She grinned widely at Nate and Lucas. “I think it’s awesome.” To Lucas she added, “I should have known you were too cute to be straight.” As Linda stared on in shock, Nate opened his arms and hugged his cousin tightly. “Thanks, Rach. It means a lot.” Lucas gave her a quick hug too. “Yeah, thanks for not freaking out.” Linda gave Nate a speculative look. “This past year you’ve been a new person. You were always so quiet; the little mouse hiding in the back in your brother’s shadow. Not anymore. We thought maybe it was a girl.” Her small smile was full of regret. “Aunt Linda, I’m really happy. For the first time.” “What about your parents? All their hopes and dreams for you.” Lucas spoke up. “He’s gay, not dead.” Linda clearly didn’t know how to respond to that, so instead she made a show of looking at her watch. “Rachel, we’ll miss our reservation.” She gazed at Nate and Lucas for a long moment. “Be well.” Rachel waved as she followed her mother into the crowd. “Don’t worry, I’ll work on them!” “So.” Nate began walking in the opposite direction. “I guess your whole family will know by tomorrow, huh?” Nate nodded. “No doubt.” “Maybe that’s a good thing?” “Yeah. Maybe.” Nate smiled thinly. “I think maybe I need that drink after all. Let’s find a bar.” They did, and Lucas gave the bartender his credit card to start a tab. Normally Nate would argue about splitting costs, but as he downed his first beer, he was clearly too preoccupied. When he finished, he clapped his hands together. “Okay, enough self-pity. This is our hooky day, and we’re going to have fun.” Lucas smiled. “What did you have in mind?” The rest of the evening passed in a blur of drinks, dinner, and dancing. After they left the second club they’d visited, they tumbled into a cab outside, laughing. The driver got their address before going back to his phone call. “God, I missed you.” Nate leaned close to Lucas in the backseat, his hand on Lucas’s knee. “So many nights I dreamed about you, wishing you were there.” Lucas grinned as they weaved through midtown traffic, still heavy even late in the evening. “You’re drunk.” “It’s true, I am.” Nate’s hand inched down toward Lucas’s crotch. “But that doesn’t make it less true.”

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“What? It doesn’t make it less true that you’re drunk?” Lucas laughed. “It doesn’t make it less true that I missed you.” Nate nuzzled Lucas’s ear. “I jerked off every night thinking about you.” Lucas’s dick jumped, and Nate stroked him through his pants. “I’d think about your body, and your mouth, and your eyes, and your smile, and what it felt like to be inside you.” Sucking in a breath, Lucas stole a peek at the driver, who was still immersed in his conversation. “I missed you too.” With a few quick motions, Nate’s hand was down Lucas’s pants, stroking him roughly. “It’s never been as good as it’s been with you.” Nate kissed him, sucking Lucas’s tongue into his mouth. “No one else makes me come the way you do. No one.” Lucas bucked into Nate’s hand, biting back a moan. He was rock hard, and sweat beaded on his upper lip as his pulse raced. Nate sucked on Lucas’s neck, his hand working away. Then without even sparing the driver a glance, Nate slid over on the seat and bent down, taking Lucas into his mouth. Biting his tongue, Lucas nearly came right then. His breath hitched as Nate’s head bobbed up and down, his tongue swirling around Lucas’s cock. He sucked Lucas so hard it almost hurt, but the pain mixed with the sparks of pleasure and Lucas’s fingers tightened in Nate’s short, wavy hair. At a stoplight, Lucas glanced around guiltily and wondered if anyone could see what Nate was doing. The thought of being watched, of strangers seeing his cock glistening with Nate’s spit as his lips stretched over him, tipped Lucas over the edge, and he jerked as pleasure swept his body. His fingers relaxed and he smoothed Nate’s hair while Nate milked him dry. As Nate sat up, the taxi pulled onto their street and came to a stop in front of their building. The driver put his phone down for a moment. “Here you go.” Lucas quickly tucked himself back into his pants, and Nate wiped his mouth and passed the driver two twenties. “Keep the change.” Giggling, Lucas and Nate clambered out of the cab. In their apartment, they didn’t make it to the bed before Lucas got on his knees and returned the favor. Chapter Sixteen

School ended in a flurry of exams, and Lucas looked forward to having a couple of weeks off to sleep in and relax. Of course, once he didn’t have school to keep him occupied, the impending holidays that he’d tried to ignore became top of mind. Christmas decorations and carols were everywhere, and Lucas missed his father. One night, Lucas and Nate were spread out on the futon, watching a movie. “Do you want a tree?”

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“Hmm?” Lucas had started drifting off, and he wiped his eyes. “A tree.” “You mean a Christmas tree?” “No, a bonsai tree. Yes, a Christmas tree.” Lucas and his father had rarely decorated when he was a kid, instead making their own Christmas traditions of junk food and TV. Yet all the decorations in the city made him think of his dad nonetheless. “No, it’s okay.” “You sure? We can.” “I’m sure. Thanks, though.” Lucas smiled and hooked his leg over Nate’s. Hanukkah began soon and Nate hadn’t mentioned it. “We could get a menorah.” “Nah.” Nate looked as if he wanted to say something else, but finally just shrugged. “I guess neither of us is feeling too festive this year.” Since they’d run into Linda and Rachel, Nate hadn’t heard a word from his mother. He and his father had had several tense phone conversations, after which Nate had always been very quiet. The days passed and Lucas felt as if he was holding his breath, waiting. In the early morning of the day Hanukkah would begin, Lucas stirred. It was still dark, but he knew by the way Nate was breathing that he was awake. Reaching out, Lucas stroked his back. Nate rolled into him, pressing up close, skin against skin. His voice was low with need. “Can you fuck me?” Lucas was instantly awake. He kissed Nate, his hands roaming over his lean body. Getting down between Nate’s legs, Lucas sucked on his balls as Nate moaned loudly and lifted his legs, putting his feet flat on the mattress on either side of Lucas. Spreading Nate’s ass, Lucas flicked his tongue against Nate’s hole, breathing in the musky scent of him. He worked his spit inside, moistening and stretching his tight ass. “Please. Fuck me.” Nate lifted his legs onto Lucas’s shoulders, and pulled his head up, kissing him deeply. Lucas fumbled for the condom and lube, getting lube all over the sheets as he slicked himself, but not caring. He surged inside Nate, and they groaned in unison. Nate was almost bent in half, his knees pressed to his shoulders, but Lucas knew how Nate liked it when he was being fucked. Without being asked, Lucas pounded into him, going deep as his hips slapped up against Nate’s ass. “So hot. So tight,” Lucas gritted out. Nate grabbed Lucas’s head, pulling his face down for a kiss as their bodies strained together. They both breathed heavily, foreheads together as Lucas rammed himself into Nate harder. “Love. You.” Nate panted. After they were finished, lying on sticky sheets, bodies entwined, Lucas smiled as he drifted back to sleep.

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***** They woke a few hours later to find the day had dawned overcast and damp. Hanukkah would begin at sundown, and it would be the first time Nate was apart from his family on the holiday. Nate acted as if there was nothing wrong, but Lucas knew better. In the afternoon, Lucas suggested a walk to Union Square. The square was ablaze with Christmas lights and chock full of covered wooden artisan booths, and they wandered the rows of stalls as the light drizzle turned to flurries. Perhaps it was the snow, but Lucas was struck with the holiday spirit. “I have an idea.” Nate raised his eyebrows. “Does it have something to do with sex?” “Is thatall you think about?” Lucas huffed in mock exasperation. Nate leaned in, his breath warm on Lucas’s neck. “When you’re around? Pretty much, yeah.” Despite himself, Lucas blushed and a shiver of desire coiled around his spine. “Believe me, we’ll get to that later. For now, my idea involves twenty dollars and this marketplace.” “I’m listening.” “I propose we split up for half an hour and buy each other a Hanukkah present. Twenty-dollar limit.” “Shouldn’t you get a Christmas present?” “Call it a ‘Chrismukkah’ present, then.” Laughing, Nate agreed. “Okay. Twenty dollars. Half an hour.” He glanced at his watch. “Meet back here.” Then he was gone, disappearing into the throng of last-minute shoppers. Nate always enjoyed a challenge. Lucas hurried off in the other direction, examining each stall’s wares. He considered a pair of supple leather gloves and wondered if he could talk the seller down. In the end he didn’t even try; the thought of haggling made him faintly nauseated. Row after row, Lucas struggled against the crowd, considering and then discarding gift ideas. Everything was either too expensive or just not right. Perhaps this game hadn’t been a good suggestion after all. A large Star of David hanging from the top of one stall caught his eye, and Lucas angled through the crowd. Just as he reached the stall, he heard Nate’s chuckle from his left. Nate joined him, smiling. “Fancy meeting you here.” Lucas laughed. “Well, I asked myself, what do you get the Jew who has everything?” “Tell me the answer isn’t a Star of David wall hanging.” “No, don’t worry.” Lucas glanced at the woman operating the stall. “Um, no offense.” The young woman waved her hand. “None taken. But I’ll have you know those are very popular with Staten Island ladies of a certain age.” She indicated the rest of her wares. “Maybe there’s something else

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more to your liking.” Lucas and Nate looked over the collection of novelty yarmulkes and kosher dog treats. There was also a velvet case of jewelry containing silver necklaces and bracelets with dangling stars. Another case held rings, and Nate picked up a silver ring inscribed with Hebrew, spinning it around between his fingers. “Ah, that’s a beauty,” the woman said. “It says ‘ani ledodi vedodi li.’ It means ‘I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.’” Nate held it in his palm. “How much?” “Wait, what?” Lucas blinked in surprise. The woman sized them up. “I’ll give you two for sixty dollars. Normally eighty.” She took a quick look at Lucas’s hand and pulled out another ring. “Try this one.” Lucas took it from her. The silver was quality and the ring felt good in his hand. He smiled uncertainly at Nate. “I guess the twenty-dollar limit is out.” “Don’t worry, I’m not proposing.” Nate took the ring from Lucas’s hand. He slid it onto Lucas’s left ring finger, where it fit perfectly. “Could have fooled me.” Lucas felt slightly lightheaded. Nate grinned. “Just want to make sure it fits.” He tried on his own ring, sliding it on his ring finger. It was a bit too big, so the woman gave him another size. She smiled. “They look good on you, boys.” Lucas didn’t know what to say. “Thanks.” His head swam as he looked down at the ring. He knew he loved Nate with all his heart, but they’d only been together a year. “I guess we’re going over the twenty-dollar limit.” “Will you throw in two chains?” Nate asked. The woman pondered it for a moment. “You drive a hard bargain. What the heck? It’s Hanukkah. Almost.” Nate took Lucas’s hand and slipped the ring from his finger. “We can wear them around our necks until we’re ready.” Lucas swallowed hard over the sudden lump in his throat. Nate’s smile vanished. “Shit, I totally freaked you out, didn’t I? I know it’s spur of the moment, I just thought… Look, we don’t have to --” “Would you shut up?” Lucas pressed their lips together. Remembering where they were, he pulled back reluctantly. Turning to the woman, who beamed, he smiled in return. “We’ll take them.” *****

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Waiting for the creaky elevator in their building, Lucas couldn’t stop smiling. He loved the feel of the ring against his chest and knowing that Nate felt the same brush of silver. In the elevator, Lucas leaned in close to him. “Think I’ll get lucky tonight?” Nate caught his mouth in a kiss. “I have a feeling you just might.” Lost in each other, they didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary as they walked down the hall to their apartment. Lucas fished his keys out of his pocket, but when he twisted the knob, the door opened. Lucas knew his mouth was gaping open, but he didn’t know how else to react to the sight of what had to be Nate’s entire family crammed into their tiny studio apartment. Fifteen or so people stared back at him, some standing in the kitchen shoulder to shoulder, kids on Nate and Lucas’s bed poking their heads out through the open space above the half wall separating the bed nook from the living room. Among the crowd, Lucas spotted Linda and Rachel -- who smiled encouragingly -- and Sam and Amanda. Nate’s grandfather and parents were in the center of the room. Mrs. Kramer stepped forward and Lucas glanced at Nate beside him, appearing equally stunned. Lucas wondered how Nate’s family had gotten into the apartment before remembering the strange smile the superintendent had given them downstairs. Mrs. Kramer cleared her throat. “Nathaniel.” Her eyes glistened, and she wiped them. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I treated you.” She looked at Lucas. “Both of you. I was wrong.” Silence hung over the room as everyone held their breath. Nate’s voice shook slightly. “So what are you saying? Do you accept the fact that I’m gay? Do you accept that Lucas and I are together?” She nodded. “Yes. I admit, it wasn’t easy. This is all new. I hope you can be patient with me.” Nate took Lucas’s hand, his nails digging into the skin. “Are you sure, Mom?” He looked at his grandfather. “Papa? All of you? Because we’re done pretending. We’re not going to hide who we are.” “You don’t have to.” Sam’s voice was strong and clear. “It’s like I said to Mom. You’re the same person you’ve always been. It shouldn’t be a big deal.” “Can you forgive me,bubbala ?” Tears spilled down Mrs. Kramer’s cheeks. Nodding, Nate stepped into her arms. Mr. Kramer spoke up. “This came as a shock to most of the family. But, as you can see, they’re all here tonight. Because we all love you. You’re part of this family.” He nodded to Lucas. “Both of you.” Lucas blinked rapidly, fighting back tears. After his father died, he didn’t think he’d ever have a family again. He ducked his head, trying to hide his emotions. A strong hand grasped his shoulder, and Lucas looked up at Mr. Kramer, who smiled. “Thank you.” Lucas wasn’t sure what Nate’s father was thanking him for, but in the next moment he was enveloped by Mrs. Kramer, her Jasmine perfume filling his senses. She kissed his cheeks, and wiped away his tears. Then Lucas was caught up in a flurry of hugs, from Rachel, who squeezed him exuberantly, to Sam, who slapped his back just as hard as ever. Amanda rolled her eyes before hugging Lucas lightly. “Straight guys always have to put that back slap in.”

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Through the maze of people jammed into the apartment, Lucas saw the gleam of something new in the window. Craning his head, he realized a menorah stood on the windowsill. Following his gaze, Linda called everyone to attention. “Look at the time! The sun is down, and we have to light the menorah.” Nate noticed it for the first time. “You brought yours?” he asked his mother. She smiled. “No. This is foryour home.” Her words held the acceptance of Nate as an adult. Nate’s grandfather inched his way to the menorah as people shuffled out of the way. The old man, who always wore his yarmulke whenever Lucas saw him, smoothed it with a gnarled finger before reciting the blessings from memory. Some of Nate’s family spoke along with him. When he was finished, he pointed toward Lucas. Lucas glanced over his shoulders. “Me?” “Yes, you. Come here and light the candles.” Nate’s grandfather beckoned him. Lucas caught Nate’s eye, and Nate nodded, smiling. Lucas shimmied past the coffee table and a few of Nate’s cousins, and took the long match from the old man. “Do you know which candles to light?” Nate’s grandfather peered at him with watery eyes. Lucas felt as if he was answering the most important pop quiz of his life. “The middle one and the candle on the far right. Right?” The old man nodded, and Lucas exhaled and struck the match. When the candles were lit, everyone burst into applause, and after another blessing, they sang a joyous song. Nate stood close to Lucas, singing along, surrounded by his family. ***** Hours later, Lucas and Nate walked down the block to their apartment once more. The family had descended upon a local pizza place and ate and talked for hours until closing. Snow drifted down as they walked hand in hand, and Lucas found himself humming “Winter Wonderland,” as Nate hummed along. In the elevator, Lucas repeated his question of hours ago. “Think I’ll get lucky tonight?” Nate answered with a kiss. In the peace of their home, they made plans for the next day, and many days after that. Before bed, Nate took out his camera for the first time in weeks, capturing Lucas in profile in the window, he and the menorah silhouetted by the falling snow. Naked except for the matching rings gleaming against their skin, Nate and Lucas climbed under the covers, and into each other’s arms. THE END

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Keira Andrews

When not writing love stories, obsessing over her favorite TV shows, or spending far too much time online, Keira makes her living as a copywriter in Toronto. A passionate world traveler, she has a weakness for road trips, and it doesn’t take much to convince her to get behind the wheel and crank the stereo up. She once drove to Texas for the weekend to eat a good steak, drink a good margarita, and hug a good man. Keira also loves to read, watch movies, work out, and eat (although not necessarily in that order). Visit Keira on the Web at www.keiraandrews.com.