Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys

Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys

Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys A Novel

Mark A. Roeder

iUniverse, Inc. New York Lincoln Shanghai

Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys Copyright © 2007 by Mark A. Roeder All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting: iUniverse 2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100 Lincoln, NE 68512 www.iuniverse.com 1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677) This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. All registered trademarks mentioned in this book are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended or should be inferred. ISBN-13: 978-0-595-42926-4 (pbk) ISBN-13: 978-0-595-87265-7 (ebk) ISBN-10: 0-595-42926-2 (pbk) ISBN-10: 0-595-87265-4 (ebk) Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to all those with compassion, love, and understanding in their hearts—not those who claim to possess such qualities, but those who actually possess and live them.

Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank REC, Ken Clark, and David Yates for proofing this manuscript. Their efforts have made this a much better book.

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Preface

It is difficult to believe in oneself when there are so many points of view, so many lies, and such abundant disinformation. In recent years many have come to define truth not as what is actually true, but as what they believe. Truth is not a belief, nor is it an opinion. Truth is absolute. The truth is the truth whether or not one acknowledges it to be so. Speaking loudly, or often, or in great numbers means nothing. Such actions may twist the truth. They may distort the truth. But, they do not change the truth. The simple truth is that God created gays and God does not make mistakes. Gays exist exactly as they were meant to be. We have a purpose. We are meant to be a part of this world. There is so much that we bring to the world that it would be the poorer if we did not exist. Perhaps God placed gays on Earth for no other reason than to test those who claim to live by His word. If that is so, then most of those who claim to be Christians are failing in the most absolute measure possible. Instead of reaching out the loving hand of understanding, they strike with venomous hatred. Untold millions of dollars are squandered each year in the fight against gay rights. Untold sums that could have been used to feed and clothe the poor, to protect and educate children, and to aid those who need assistance the most are thrown away in spite—to destroy a minority that wants only what all want—to exist in peace. I have only this to say to those who claim to be Christians, who claim to value family, and yet act in opposition to those beliefs— Where is your love? Where is your understanding? Where is your tolerance? Where is your kindness? I find myself astounded that there are those who can call themselves Christians while fighting tooth and nail for prejudice and discrimination. I find myself won- vi -

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dering what Jesus would say to them if he were here. Jesus showed kindness to sinners, to prostitutes and thieves, but he had no patience with busybodies who sought to harm others. Yes, it is difficult to believe in oneself when so many voices shout such ugly venomous words, but when one knows in one’s heart that those voices are wrong, that those voices who hold themselves so morally upright are in fact the opposite, the task becomes far easier. The truth cannot be changed. The simple truth is that gays are as much a part of the natural world as any other part of nature. Believe in yourself. Believe in what in your heart you know is true. Unlike men, your heart will not lead you wrong, for your heart is guided by God.

Thanksgiving 1981

Brendan

“Do you think they’re dead?” whispered Casper. “No, look, their lips are moving,” said Nathan. “That is the most horrifying sight I’ve ever laid eyes upon,” said Ethan. “A truly disgusting heterosexual display,” I said. “I may be permanently turned off.” “Come on,” said Casey, “we’re accepting of all kinds here.” “Screw all you guys!” yelled Brandon as he finally pried his lips from Jennifer’s. Casper giggled, and Brandon rolled his eyes. The hay wagon rumbled on between the empty fields. Brandon put his arm around Jennifer. Casper snuggled up against my side. Ethan and Nathan leaned back against a hay bale, and Casey and Sandy lay half buried in the hay. “I’m feeling a little left out,” said Jon. “I’m the only one here with no one to snuggle with.” “That’s not true,” I said. “Shawn’s alone, too. You can snuggle with him.” “If it gets any colder, I just might.” Shawn laughed, a bit nervously, and Casey reached over and patted his hand. I felt slightly sorry for Jon and Shawn; they were the only ones among our little group who had yet to find someone. Jon had notorious difficulties finding himself a girl, and Shawn was still so deeply buried in the closet he was afraid to even approach another guy. Despite all I’d been through, I knew I was incredibly lucky to have found Casper.

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There was a definite nip in the air as the old tractor chugged along, pulling the wagon for our hayride. The chill was to be expected. We were lucky it wasn’t snowing. “I’m beginning to freeze!” said Jon. “You should’ve worn a jacket, stupid,” said Brandon, “or at least a long-sleeved shirt.” “Hey, I’m not used to fall yet. My mind’s still back in summer.” “It’s Thanksgiving,” said Brandon. “Christmas will be here soon, so get used to it.” Jon looked over at Shawn who was sitting not far from him. He scooted up against him and burrowed himself in the hay. Shawn gallantly took off his letter jacket, draped it across Jon’s shoulders, and put his arm around him. Jon snuggled up against him for warmth. “You two would make such a cute couple,” said Casey. “It’s too bad sexual orientation isn’t a choice,” said Brandon. “Maybe you’d have better luck with guys, Jon.” “I may have to give it a try soon.” Ethan laughed. “Now that I’ve got to see.” “Eww,” said Casey. “I didn’t mean that!” said Ethan quickly. “I just meant Jon trying to date a guy.” “I’d date you if you were gay,” said Shawn, turning to Jon. “Damn, boy, you must be almost as desperate as me,” said Jon. “Don’t put yourself down. You have a lot going for you. You’re funny, witty, just plain nice, and …” “Fugly,” finished Jon. “You are not! You’re hot, and you know it!” said Shawn. “I wish!” “Okay, vote,” said Shawn. “Whoever thinks Jon is hot raise your hand.” Every hand on the wagon shot up. “See,” said Shawn. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now if I could only find a single heterosexual girl who shared your opinion.” “You will, Jon,” said Brandon. “I will die a virgin,” said Jon. “We can put it on your tombstone,” I said. “Shut up.” “If both Jon and I were gay, who would you pick?” Brandon asked Shawn.

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“Uh-oh, here we go,” said Ethan. “What?” asked Casey. “Just watch,” said Ethan. Shawn looked suddenly nervous. “Uh, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. I uh … I don’t think I can decide.” “A wise choice,” said Ethan. “Why?” asked Shawn. “Because Brandon would pout if you didn’t pick him.” “I would not!” “Oh yes you would. Remember that time you got upset when I told you I didn’t find you attractive?” “Oh,” said Brandon, looking as if he suddenly felt a bit foolish. Jennifer giggled. “You can’t have him, anyway. He’s mine!” she said. Brandon and Jennifer turned to each other and started making out again. “Oh! My eyes!” I said. “My eyes!” That got a good laugh, but Brandon and Jennifer ignored us. Well, they mostly ignored us; Brandon extended his middle finger into the air in my direction without bothering to look at me. “They’re gone again,” I said. The wagon continued bumping along under the stars. Uncle Jack was driving the tractor, but if he had heard any of our conversation, he pretended he hadn’t. He was the coolest old guy ever. We all called him Uncle Jack—Ethan, Nathan, Casper, and I, that is—even though he was truly only Ethan’s uncle. I don’t know where any of the four of us would’ve been without him. It’s likely Casper and I would still be homeless and on the run. My mind went back to that time in Purity not so many months ago when Casper and I were living in a cheap motel and working at low-paying jobs in a diner. Even that was an improvement over what we’d had before, which was pretty much nothing except for the clothes on our backs. The worst of it was just before we reached Purity, when Casper was desperately ill. I remembered how scared I was when I covered him up with hay in that old barn, hoping it would keep him warm until I could return, fearing I might come back to find him dead. He was quite alive when I came back, however, and the next day I got him in to see a doctor and even managed to get enough money for his medicine and a motel room. My face darkened when I remembered what I had to do for that money. “Brendan?” I turned to Casper and smiled. “I’m okay,” I said. I leaned in and kissed him.

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Yeah, things were different now, and I had no reason to let the past haunt me. The future was looking good. “Uh-oh, I think we’re in danger of losing Brendan and Casper, too,” said Shawn. “Nah, we won’t abandon you guys,” I said. “We’ve got all the time in the world.” “I wish I could live with my boyfriend … I mean girlfriend!” said Brandon, coming up for air at last. “Freudian slip?” asked Ethan. “Maybe you’ve got a chance with Brandon after all,” said Jon to Shawn. “You know what I mean!” said Brandon. “You guys are so lucky—Ethan and Nathan, too. You get to sleep in the same bed!” “And sometimes we even sleep,” said Nathan, wiggling his blond eyebrows, “but not often.” I looked over at Jon and Shawn for a moment. They were snuggled together like the rest of us. Anyone who didn’t know better would’ve thought they were boyfriends. “So, Mr. Quarterback. Will you be leading our team to victory against the Trojans next week?” asked Jon. “That’s the plan,” I said. “With Shawn’s help, we might pull it off.” Shawn smiled. “You overestimate my prowess.” “Hardly.” “Hey, you’re the team captain and all that.” “Yeah, but just how well would I do out there all by myself?” “I love football,” said Sandy. “Our team is sooo pathetic.” Sandy was the only one of us who didn’t attend Verona High School. She was from Plymouth, and their team was kind of sad. “That’s because you don’t have enough gay guys on your team. We kick ass!” said Shawn. Everyone laughed. I was pleased Shawn was so at ease around us. I think he was still getting used to the fact that he could just be himself with us. I don’t think he’d been able to show anyone the real Shawn for so long that he almost didn’t know how. Until recently, he’d been too scared to even visit us on the farm, but with his older brother in jail and his dad in trouble with the police, his home life had become somewhat safer. He was still buried in the closet about as deeply as he could get, but at least he no longer had to pretend he hated us. I wished he could find someone, but that wasn’t going to be easy. Shawn played the part of a straight boy so well that no gay boy would even think of him as a

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potential boyfriend. That’s one of the problems with living in the closet; it gets lonely in there. We all talked and laughed as the hay wagon moved under the crystal-clear sky. I held Casper’s hand as we lay back against a hay bale all snuggled together. Now and then we kissed, but mostly we just enjoyed being with our friends. This small, intimate group was the best of the best. They were the ones who truly understood—including even Brandon and Jon, who were as straight as they came. Eventually, Jack pulled the wagon back to the barn, and we all climbed off and headed for the farmhouse for a late Thanksgiving dinner. Ethan opened the familiar old back door, and we entered the kitchen, greeted by the heavenly scent of roasted turkey, sweet potatoes, green beans, corn, mashed potatoes, sage dressing, pumpkin pie, and freshly baked yeast rolls. The kitchen was lit only by candlelight, making it soothing and romantic. I grasped Casper’s hand and squeezed it gently. Casper’s grandmother, Ardelene, now also Jack’s wife, was just pulling the rolls out of the oven as we entered. The scent and the wave of warmth were inviting. “Hey, Grandma,” said Casper, hugging her. “Supper is just about ready,” she said. “Everyone, have a seat.” We’d all pitched in to help Ardelene earlier, but she’d taken care of the actual cooking. No one could cook like she could. She was a valuable addition to our not-so-little family. “Where’s Dave?” asked Casey. Dave was Nathan’s ten-year-old little brother, and Casey had taken up with him in recent weeks, ever since she’d started hanging out with us more. He’d decided not to go on the hayride with us. “Dave!” yelled Nathan, “Get yourself down here! We’re about to eat!” That brought Dave scurrying down the stairs. Uncle Jack sat at his usual place at one end of the table. The other end we reserved for Ardelene. The rest of us crowded in on the sides. Even with the extra leaves in, it was a bit of a tight fit around the old Formica kitchen table, hidden for the occasion by a beautiful antique, embroidered tablecloth. Ardelene set everything except the desserts out on the table. There were candles in the center and all around us. The old kitchen looked so different when lit by candlelight. Casper sat beside me, of course, and we held hands until Ardelene sat down before we all dug in. There was little talk in the beginning, as we were all too busy eating. Anything Ardelene touched was delicious. I’d had to step up my workouts and even run a

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little to keep her excellent meals from showing up on my waist. I had nicely defined abs, and I intended to keep them that way. I looked around the table as I stuffed myself. I wished all of us could have lived on the farm together, right in the big old farmhouse that I’d come to think of as home. Seated at the table were just about everyone I cared about. The only ones missing were my best friend Brad, from Kentucky, and Chad, who’d help me escape from the Cloverdale Center. I wondered where Chad was now. I hoped things were going as well for him as they were for me. The turkey and dressing were incredibly delicious. I made a mental note not to overstuff myself. I didn’t like the way I felt when I was too full. Practicing moderation wasn’t going to be easy, though. Everything on the table was so very good that I knew I’d have a hard time resisting. I smiled. Life didn’t get much better than this. An hour later we were still all sitting around the kitchen table finishing off dessert. I was stuffed, but not miserable. Jon reluctantly pushed away the last of his pumpkin pie. “I can’t eat another bite,” he said, looking at his plate wistfully. “You are the best cook ever, Ardelene. If I can find a girl who cooks like you, I’ll marry her on the spot.” Ardelene smiled. “That’s one of the reasons I did marry her,” said Jack. “I wanted to grab her before someone else snatched her up.” “Oh, stop!” said Ardelene, but I knew she loved hearing it. Everyone had coffee or hot tea, and we talked long into the night. I don’t think any of us wanted the evening to end. Eventually, our full stomachs made us too sleepy to carry on, and everyone headed for home. Casper and I trudged up the stairs, and Casper sleepily stripped down to his boxers. He was nearly too tired to pull back the covers and slip into bed. I leaned over and kissed him as he drifted off to sleep, then stretched my arms over my head and yawned. I undressed and slipped into bed beside Casper. Brandon was right: we were lucky to get to sleep in the very same bed, and not just because of the frequent sexual opportunities. I loved just being near Casper, hearing his soft breath, and feeling him beside me. Casper was sleeping peacefully, looking even younger than his sixteen years. I snuggled up against him, my arm across his bare chest. I was so comfortable when I was near him. I was glad our lives had finally settled down, but I wondered how long our peace would last.

Dane

I fought to keep my eyes to myself. It was a constant struggle in the showers after last-period P.E., but the last thing I wanted was to be pegged as a homo. Brendan, Casper, Ethan, and Nathan were all out at their school, but I didn’t dare reveal myself. This was not Verona High School where some of the coolest boys in school were gay and out. This was Marmont High, where homophobia was the watchword of the day. My parents knew about me, and they were totally cool about it, but I doubted my friends would be as accepting. “Hey, Dane, wanna go to the arcade after school so I can kick your butt in Frogger again?” shouted Billy Holmes from across the small shower area. “What’s this again crap? Last weekend you only beat my high score once.” Billy and I had been hanging out a lot since my return from Verona. I’d had a crush on him forever, but it wasn’t until the very end of the summer that I worked up the courage to talk to him. We’d become pretty good friends, but he had no idea how bad I had it for him. Billy laughed, throwing his head back, his blue eyes smiling with mischief. Just looking at him made my heart beat a little faster, and gazing at him naked and wet in the showers made it pound furiously. I quickly ran my eyes down his muscled, taut body. He didn’t have the build of Brendan or Ethan, but he was so fine. I wanted him so bad I could hardly stand it. Billy turned around to rinse his blond hair. He had the cutest butt. I wished we were alone in the showers so I could just stare at it, but I averted my eyes and reached for my bottle of shampoo. I never looked at any of the guys for very long, but I snapped mental pictures of them like crazy when my eyes did fall upon their -8-

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nude bodies. I was sure they’d beat me senseless if they knew what I was up to, but so far they didn’t have a clue. I felt a little guilty for checking out other boys. I knew there was more to life than sex. What I wanted more than anything was a boyfriend. Strike that. What I wanted more than anything was for Billy Holmes to be my boyfriend. But, how could I not look? Some of the guys in my P.E. class weren’t all that hot, but others … wow! My true fascination was with Billy, and I’m proud to say that I was interested in a lot more than just his body, although I would’ve given about anything to mess around with him. I rinsed off, turned off my shower, grabbed a towel from the stack in the outer shower area, and then dried off as I walked to my locker. I dressed as I talked and swapped insults with the other guys. I was deadly with insults and innuendo. Sometimes my verbal prowess even allowed me opportunities to check out my classmates, like the time Rick Cotts accused me of looking at his dick. I wasn’t guilty at the time, but his accusation allowed me to stare right at his stuff for several long moments before I looked back up into his eyes and said, “What’s to look at?” I know it wasn’t a completely original slam, but the guys howled with laughter. I slammed my locker and snapped shut my combination lock after I’d dressed. Billy was already waiting on me. Unfortunately, so was Craig Johansson. Don’t get me wrong; Craig was cool enough. I just didn’t want him inserting himself into my time alone with Billy. A trip to the arcade was hardly a romantic date, so I guess it didn’t matter all that much. At least Craig would provide some nice scenery. He was quite handsome with his blue eyes and slightly turned up nose. His most attractive feature, other than his taut body, was long, curly blond hair that ran down nearly to his shoulders and framed his face as if he was wearing one of those old Scandinavian helmets my ancestors wore in battles hundreds of years ago. Craig was of Scandinavian descent, just as I was, a fact made obvious by his last name. The three of us headed for the Marmont Arcade, which was wisely placed within easy walking distance of the school. I was walking a bit behind, giving me quite a nice view. Craig had nearly as nice a butt as Billy. Billy and Craig walked close together, and Craig even draped his arm over Billy’s shoulder for a few moments in that way that straight boys can so easily get away with. I burned with jealousy. Craig was touching my man. The band of Craig’s tightie-whities was showing, and on impulse I grabbed it and jerked upward, giving Craig a power-wedgie. He howled and immediately turned on me. “You’re dead, Haakonson!”

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Billy laughed as Craig and I scuffled on the sidewalk. Craig got me in a headlock, and no matter how I squirmed I couldn’t break free. “Okay, we’re even, lemme go!” “Not until you say, ‘I’m a homo.’” “You’re a homo? I didn’t know that!” I said, laughing. Craig tightened his grip and proceeded to give me a nuggy. “Come on, man, cut it out!” “Say it!” “No!” “Say it!” “Okay, okay, I’m a homo!” Craig immediately released me. Billy laughed at me. I glared at Craig. He’d made me look foolish in front of the one boy I wanted to impress. More than anything I wanted to kick Craig’s ass, but chances were it was my butt that would get kicked. There was the added danger that Billy and Craig might get suspicious if I flew off the handle over something neither of them considered a big deal. “Homo” was one of the main insults at M.H.S., and only a true homo would take the dig too seriously. “We’d better watch this guy in the showers,” said Craig. “Since he’s a homo, he might try to grab our stuff.” Craig thought he was funny, but he was going way too far. There was only so much I could take. I scowled and moved toward him. Billy put his hand on my chest. “Cool off, Dane, it’s just a joke, and you did pull Craig’s shorts up his crack.” Craig was currently in the process of trying to pull his briefs out of his butt, which is no easy feat when you’re wearing jeans. He looked so comical I nearly laughed, helping to dispel my anger. “Come on, guys, Frogger awaits!” said Billy, putting an arm over each of our shoulders and leading us down the street. When we arrived at the arcade, Craig headed straight for the restroom, no doubt to take care of his crack problem. Billy and I headed for the Frogger machine. Two players could play, alternating turns. Billy went first. He made it across the road, dodging several speeding cars and trucks, but he didn’t fare so well crossing the river. He was nearly devoured by an alligator, and that messed him up enough that his time ran out before he reached one of the frog homes at the top of the screen. I was just beginning my turn when Craig reappeared. “I’ve got winner,” he announced.

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I did much better than Billy on my turn. I successfully made it to home past all the cars, trucks, alligators, and snakes and other hazards. I even had time to catch a few bugs for bonuses. Billy performed better on his next turn, but when the game ended I was well ahead. Craig didn’t possess my Frogger expertise or Billy’s, so I had no trouble whipping his butt. I felt somewhat avenged for him making me say I was a homo. Billy and Craig decided to move on to Galaga, probably because they feared I’d kick their butts in Frogger again. I wasn’t as skilled at Galaga, but it was a cool game. Billy and Craig went first this time. In Galaga, the player controls a starship and shoots at swarms of aliens (which look a lot like insects to me). The aliens fly in formation as they travel toward the ship, but then they go all kamikaze and dive right toward the starship. Galaga requires some fast moves, and even though I hadn’t played it as much as Frogger, I’d been getting into it in recent weeks. Craig beat Billy, which was kind of a surprise. I did pretty well when I took Craig on, but then I had a string of bad luck and lost all three of my ships, plus the bonus ship I’d received for making 20,000 points. “I think he’s been practicing in secret,” said Billy, crossing his arms and glaring at Craig with mock anger. “Jealousy is a beautiful thing,” said Craig and laughed. Craig was actually pretty cool. I wished I could get rid of him, however. Then again, that wouldn’t accomplish much. It’s not as if Billy and I would be making out if Craig wasn’t around. We continued to play different video games and also some skee-ball. I was the master when it came to skee-ball. Billy knew that full well, but still foolishly tried to challenge me at times. One cool thing about skee-ball is that, unlike the video games, players could earn coupons. The coupons could be traded in for all kinds of cheap prizes, but also for tokens that worked in the arcade machines. I was so good at skee-ball that I could usually come up with enough tokens to just keep on playing. I even had a supply of them at home. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually spent a quarter in the arcade. We hung out in the arcade for about an hour and a half. We couldn’t stay longer because Billy was expected home. For that matter, so was I. If I was too late my parents would get worried. They usually didn’t get home until five, so if I beat them there I was covered. If I was going to be later than that, I was expected to call. Craig lived on the opposite side of town from Billy and me, so he took off, and I was alone with Billy at last. I had a little daydream that we were dating and we’d go to my place and make out until my parents came home. It was nothing

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but a dream, however. Billy had no clue I was hot for him, and that’s probably the way it would remain. As bad as I wanted him, the risks were too great. Billy lived just beyond the edge of town, and I lived a bit farther out. I bid him goodbye when he turned into his yard, and then I walked on alone. Things weren’t as I wanted them to be, but at least Billy and I were friends. Unfortunately, there was a drawback to that. Being near Billy made me want him all the more. There was temptation to avoid, too, like when Billy and I leaned close together and I wanted to kiss him so bad I could practically taste his lips. I knew full well that such an act would likely earn me a busted face and a ruined reputation, but it was still tempting. The sight of Billy turned me on, too, so that after a few hours with him my hormones were on the rampage. There were ways to let off the pressure, but they weren’t as good as the real thing. I yearned to be older, so I wouldn’t have to live in such secrecy. There had to be someplace I could live and just be me.

Shawn

“Shawn, get up,” said someone, shaking me. “Touch me again and you die,” I said. “No, really. We’re going to be late.” I opened my eyes and growled. Tim was hovering over me. I knew he wouldn’t go away until I put my feet on the floor. I threw the covers back, exposing my naked body, including my morning wood. “Dude, why do you sleep naked?” asked Tim. “You know I sleep naked. I’ve always slept naked. If you don’t like it, you can stop staring.” “I was not staring!” “Yeah, you were, staring with envy.” “You wish!” “I know! Now shut up and leave me alone, micro penis.” Tim flicked me off, but I ignored him. I rummaged through my dresser and came up with a clean pair of boxers. I was getting low. It looked as if I could no longer put off doing the laundry. It was my job by default. Mom was gone, permanently; my older brother Tom was in jail; Dad wouldn’t have stooped to do “woman’s work” to save his life, and my little brother, Tim, didn’t have enough sense to separate colors from whites. Damn, how many sixteen-year-olds had to run a house? I didn’t mind my load of responsibilities too much, though. Things were so much better than they had been. Dad had calmed down considerably since he’d barely escaped a conviction of child abuse and neglect. Tom was in jail and would - 13 -

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probably be staying there for his dumb-ass attempt to kill Brendan. It was good riddance as far as I was concerned. Tom was downright mean and just plain no good. I couldn’t begin to count the times he’d beaten me down. Dad had been just as bad. I still winced when I remembered the beating he gave Tim and me when he caught us skinny dipping that one time. My dad was a total homophobe, which was one reason I’d always kept my secret hidden from him. He was on his best behavior for the moment, but I had no illusions about his attitude. I very much feared he’d make good on his threat to “kill any of my boys if I find out they’re fags.” I put him out of my mind as I walked into the bathroom and stepped into the shower. The less I thought about Dad the better. The hot water soothed me. I loved a good steamy shower, and I didn’t have to worry about popping wood at home like I did at school. It was torturous to be surrounded by all those gorgeous guys sometimes, although I sure liked the scenery. I didn’t dare give the slightest hint of interest, however. I wasn’t like Ethan, Brendan, and their whole gang. If I got exposed, I’d have to run for my life, literally. The guys on the team wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it. They accepted Brendan after all and even made him team captain. Word would get back to my dad, however, and the shit would hit the fan. I could just imagine him coming after me with a shotgun. At the very least, he’d kick my butt out of the house for good. I planned to leave home the second I finished high school, but I knew I had to stay put for the time being. At least Ethan and the guys had told me they’d help me if there was trouble. Damn, I was thinking about my dad again. I wished I could get that man out of my head. My shower finished, I dried off and walked back down the hall in my boxers. I quickly dressed and headed downstairs. Tim was sitting there waiting on me. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and ate it in three minutes flat. “Let’s go,” I said, grabbing my backpack. We climbed into my beat-up Cutlass Supreme and headed for town. Tim was right. We were cutting it close. If I didn’t hurry, I’d be late. I noticed after a bit that Tim kept gazing at me. “What?” I asked. “Do you know any girls?” “I know lots of girls stupid; so do you.” “No, I mean any that would be interested in me?” “Oh, so you mean girls who have really bad taste?” “Shut up!” “I’m just teasing you, little bro.”

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“I know.” Tim paused. “You seem … cooler now that Tom’s gone and Dad’s … different.” “I’m more relaxed is what I am. I don’t have to worry about getting my butt kicked every other day.” “I hope he rots in jail,” said Tim. “You know you’ve changed, too. You used to be Tom’s little minion.” “His what?” “Like his servant. You were always on his side.” “I pretended. I did it to keep him off me.” “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, huh?” “Sort of like that.” “You and I should have stuck together,” I said. “We would still have been outnumbered. Well, not outnumbered, us against Tom and Dad, but outgunned anyway.” “Yeah, I know.” “I’m sorry I was a little shit, but I was scared.” “Hey,” I said, putting my hand on Tim’s knee. “I understand, okay?” Tim nodded. “What if he comes back?” asked Tim. “He won’t.” “But what if?” “He won’t!” “What if Dad goes back to the way he was?” “He probably will, once Social Services isn’t watching him like a hawk, but it will be us against him then. It won’t be like it was before.” “You think you can stand up to him?” asked Tim, nervously. “If he tries to hurt you, I’ll sure try.” “Thanks, Shawn.” Tim was silent for several moments before he spoke again. “I’m not as strong as you, but … I’ve got your back.” “Thanks, bro,” I said. Tim had sure changed in recent weeks, but he’d been running scared when our older brother was still living at home. Who wouldn’t have been frightened living in our dysfunctional family? Now that Tom was out of the picture, Tim was a hundred times nicer. Before, I’d been almost as afraid of him as I was of Tom. I could take Tim in a fight fairly easily, but I always figured it would be both my brothers against me if it came down to it. Maybe if I’d been more assertive, Tim would have allied himself with me from the beginning instead of suck-

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ing up to our big, bad brother. I’d been too scared to be forceful, however, too scared that someone might someday discover my secret. The past is the past, Shawn. Forget about it. No, that wasn’t quite right. The past was the past, but I needed to learn from it. Tim and I would never be on opposing sides again. We needed each other if we were going to survive, and now that he was no longer acting like a little jerk, I liked him a good deal more. I loved him. I wondered how he’d feel about me if he knew I was a homo. “You never answered my question.” “What question?” “About girls! Can you help me find one?” “The girls I know wouldn’t go for you.” “Why not?” Because you’re a freshman.” “So, you’re only a junior!” “Yeah, and junior girls won’t have anything to do with a freshman. They think of you as a little kid.” “I’m only a year younger than you.” “Yeah, but I’ll be seventeen next February. It doesn’t matter, anyway. You’re a freshman, so you’re out of luck. You need to try for some freshman girls.” “You know any?” “Now why would I know any freshman girls? I don’t associate with little freshmen, either, except for you.” “Grrrrr,” growled Tim. I laughed. I was glad Tim was a freshman. It kept me from having to admit I didn’t know many girls, period. Thank God I had Casey. Without her in my life everyone would’ve been asking embarrassing questions. I pulled the car into the parking lot and got out. Devon was standing there. Great, just what I need to start my day. I wanted more than anything to kick Devon’s ass, but I had to play nice or he might’ve suspected I wasn’t as straight as I pretended to be. Beating his face in would’ve been a tip-off for sure. Ethan drove up in his uncle’s old Ford pickup before I had more time to think about Devon. Brendan, Nathan, and Casper were all squeezed into the cab with Ethan. “Oh look, the fag-mobile,” said Devon. “Let’s see you say that to Ethan’s face,” I said. “You first.” “You’re the one who said it, and I don’t have a death wish.”

Shawn

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“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” said Devon. “Fags are taking over the whole school. I guess I can understand the wrestling team allowing Ethan to stay on; they’re all kind of queer in those little uniforms of theirs anyway, but the football team electing Brendan captain: what the fuck were you guys thinking?” “Brendan is captain because he’s the best,” I said. “He’s still a fag, and fags have no place here,” said Devon. “Why are you such a homophobe? You have something to hide, Devon?” Devon sneered at me. He looked as if he was ready to launch himself at me, but he held himself back, probably because he knew I could kick his butt. “Fuck, no! I’m no more a fag than you are, but at least I have the good sense to stay away from them. You should, too, or they might rub off on you.” Devon beat a hasty retreat before Ethan and the others could get out of the truck, but Ethan noted his departure. “What did Mr. Personality want?” he asked. “Just running you guys down again.” “Maybe Devon’s due for another beat down,” said Brendan. “Hey, Tim,” said Ethan. “Hey.” “We’d better run or we’re gonna be late,” said Nathan. We were a good fifty yards away from my car when I remembered I’d left my backpack in it. “Catch you guys later!” I said. I ran back to the car, grabbed my backpack, and headed back toward the school. Tim had hung back from the group. He was just standing there looking at me. “What?” I asked. “Why are you so friendly with those guys, those … queers?” I rolled my eyes. “Brendan and I are on the same football team, remember? He’s the quarterback and team captain; any of this ring a bell?” “Yeah, but he’s … you know, and the others aren’t on your team.” “So what if he’s ‘you know’? What’s it to me? It’s not as though he’s got some contagious disease now, is it? I noticed you said ‘hey’ to Ethan just now.” “That’s because he said it first. What am I supposed to do, just ignore him?” “So why is it such a big surprise that I’m friendly with them?” “That’s different. It’s like you’re becoming friends with them or something.” “What if I am?” “They’re queers.”

Shawn

18

“They’re still guys, and plenty of guys who aren’t queer are friends with them.” “But Tom said …” “Are you seriously going to quote Tom to me? Do I have to remind you what a total and complete asshole Tom was?” “Yeah, you’re right. It’s just … I dunno … hard to get used to. What if Dad finds out?” “He’s not going to find out. I’m not dating one of those guys, okay? They’ve all got boyfriends, and you seem to be forgetting I have a girlfriend.” “Sorry, I guess old habits die hard.” “Now, if you’re done with your little bout of homophobia, I need to get to class, and so do you.” “Okay, bro.” We took off. I thought I’d handled our little conversation quite nicely, although my guts were crawling around inside. I had been taking a calculated risk being openly friendly to Brendan and the others. I’d pretended to be hostile before, but things had changed. Tom was no longer around to watch my every move, and Tim was no longer a little spy for him. If Dad found out there’d be hell to pay, but I wasn’t stupid. He’d never know. Any time I was with the guys I was covered, like on Thanksgiving. For all my brother, my dad, and anyone else knew, I was on a date with Casey that night. Casey and I spent quite a few of our “dates” with Brendan and the guys. Besides, as long as I hung out with them on the farm, no one had to know about it. Tim’s questions still made me nervous. He was right: old habits died hard. The hallways were nearly empty as we stepped inside. Tim scurried off to class, and I hurried along to first-period U.S. History. The old school seemed so quiet and safe now, quite unlike the day when I raced from home ahead of Tom to warn Brendan that my brother intended to kill him. The whole place had been crawling with state and local police soon after. Thank God Ethan got Brendan out of the building before my brother arrived. It was a good thing for me the police nabbed Tom on the front steps, too. Otherwise who knows what would’ve happened. Tom knew I was the one who ratted on him and the one who let the air out of his tires to slow him down. I was afraid of the retribution he’d exact if he ever got out of jail. I met Casey at her locker between first and second periods and gave her a passionate kiss. She wrapped her arms around me as those around us watched. “Want to meet me after practice? We can go to Ofarim’s if you like.” “It’s a date,” said Casey.

Shawn

19

“See you then, gotta run!” I pecked her on the cheek and hurried down the hall. The two of us did put on a good show of heterosexuality, if I do say so myself. I don’t think a single soul suspected that our relationship was a sham. They’d probably freak out if they discovered Casey had a girlfriend and I was gay. Our relationship wasn’t a complete scam, however, as we were very close friends. I didn’t mind kissing her on the lips one bit, although tongues were a bit much. We had to keep up appearances, however, at least for the time being. If my dad ever found out about me … ✶

✶

✶

✶

Coach Jordan blew his whistle, “That’s it men! Showers!” I pulled off my helmet and slung my head around, sending droplets of sweat flying. It might be the end of November, but I still worked up a good sweat during practice. I loved football. I was no star like Brendan and not even as good as my older brother Tom had been, but I had some talent at least and had even been considered for quarterback. I’d wanted it badly, but was smart enough to recognize that my chances weren’t too grand. Brendan beat me hands down, and there were no hard feelings. Football rocked, but I was still ill at ease in the locker room and showers. Ever since puberty hit me when I was thirteen, and perhaps even before, the locker room and showers had been a source of both fascination and fear. I had an intense interest in other guys’ bodies even before I knew what I was. When I was eight, I made the mistake of looking too long at Tom while he was naked. It had earned me a hard jab in the mouth and Tom’s lingering suspicion that I might not be 100% hetero. I made sure to avert my eyes any time he appeared before me naked after that day. It was the same with Tim, although he had much less to look at. I had some difficulty coming to terms with my sexuality in the beginning. I’d been told so often by my dad that “homos are sick bastards” it was hard to believe otherwise. If he hadn’t been so violent, uncaring, and abusive, I might have taken his words to heart, but if someone like him was so against it, I reasoned it couldn’t be too bad. Others agreed with my dad, however, and that gave me pause. It took me a good long while to come to believe I was okay. I don’t think I ever quite came to that realization until Taylor and Mark were outed just the previous school year, sometime in October if I remembered correctly. Taylor and Mark were THE soccer jocks, and finding out they were like me had destroyed any doubts I had about myself. From that moment on I had nothing but pride in

Shawn

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what I was. I saw how those two boys were treated, however, how they were beaten and abused. I was at peace with myself, but no way in hell was I going to reveal myself to others. Even if my dad and older brother wouldn’t have killed me for being gay, I knew there were plenty of others who would have it in for me. Devon, in particular, came to mind. Things had changed so much in the past year. I think the suicides of Taylor and Mark were what did it—that and Ethan coming out just after winning the school wrestling championship. Things were a lot safer in the halls of Verona High School for boys like me, but I still didn’t dare come out. That’s one reason I didn’t let Devon know how much I despised him. I didn’t pass up an opportunity to make him look foolish, however. I could do that without putting myself in danger, and it was a heck of a lot of fun! It was surprisingly easy at times, too. I reached the locker room and stripped. Damn, there were some fine-looking guys on the team. I never let my gaze rest on any one boy too long, but you can bet I was intently observant. I had a good memory, and I’d stored up naked images of every guy on the team in my mind. I could picture exactly how they looked without clothes. Of course, seeing them in motion was even better, and there was just something about naked boys in a locker room. Mmm. The showers were even more intriguing. I don’t know what it was—the steam, the rivulets of water running down their naked bodies or what—but the guys were even more stimulating in the showers. Therein lay the danger—stimulation. I was terrified my manhood would rise to the occasion and give me away. I bet I did more algebra in the locker room and showers than anyone else. Brendan had the best body, hands down. He was simply gorgeous. There were a lot of hot guys on the team, but he put the rest of us to shame. I selfishly wished Casper was out of the picture so I could make a play for Brendan. I don’t mean I wanted Casper to have an accident or something, but if they decided they just wanted to be friends and nothing more, I’d be celebrating. I’d do nothing to bring about a separation between Brendan and Casper, but if one occurred I was prepared to swoop right in and make a play for Brendan. That made me feel just a bit guilty, but, like I said, I’d only try for Brendan if Casper was out of the picture. I sometimes wondered what Brendan saw in Casper. He was undeniably cute and had a nice body, but he was rather small. I don’t mean small in terms of what was between his legs. I didn’t know what he had down there. I mean small in stature. He couldn’t have been over 5'6". Compared to Brendan, he looked like a kid. They sure seemed to love each other, however, and I was happy for them. They had what I wanted. While I secretly wished they’d break up, another part of

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me wanted that never to happen. Seeing them together gave me hope for the future. I dried off in the locker room, allowing the taut bodies of my teammates to give me a rush without getting me too aroused. Who needed drugs when I could get high off of hot guys? I smiled and nearly laughed. I dressed and departed. Casey was waiting for me in the gym. I gave her a hug and, since some of the guys were coming out of the locker room, a lingering kiss. She smiled sweetly at me. I took her hand and we walked outside. I pulled the Cutlass up in front of Ofarim’s, and we got out and went in. Ofarim’s had the best ice cream around, but after practice I was hungry for a burger. The place was empty except for us, so I knew it wouldn’t take long at all for us to get our food. “I’m starving,” I said, as I picked up a menu. “Tell me something I don’t already know,” said Casey. I leaned across the table and said, “You’re beautiful.” “I said tell me something I don’t already know.” Casey laughed. “Um, you and Sandy are really cute together?” “You’re just not good at this, are you?” “Hey, I’m a jock, we’re supposed to be stupid.” “That’s just another stereotype, and I happen to know you’re not stupid.” “Okay, let’s discuss food. I know what I want, how about you?” “I’m ready.” “What does a guy have to do to get some service around here?” I shouted. Casper appeared from behind the counter and smiled. “Keep your shirt on,” he said, “or, in your case, take it off.” “Oh, baby!” said Casey. “Okay, what do you guys want?” asked Casper. “You first, milady,” I said. “I think I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a Tab.” “A triple cheeseburger, fries, onion rings, a hot dog with relish and onion, and a Coke,” I said. “I thought you said you were starving,” said Casey. “That sounds like your average meal.” “I’m going to have a banana split for dessert.” “Okay, I’ll be right back with your drinks,” said Casper, departing. “So, how’s Sandy?” I asked.

Shawn

22

“She’s wonderful, but we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like, and, of course, it’s a long-distance call even though Plymouth is only about fifteen miles away. We write a lot of letters.” “At least you can keep letters.” “True. We see each other every weekend and sometimes get together during the week, but I want to see her every single day.” “It sounds like you’ve got it bad,” I said. “Yes, but it’s not easy being in a relationship.” “We seem to do okay.” “That’s because we’re friends. If we were really dating it would be much more complicated.” “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about that. You’re cute, but not quite my type.” “The same to you, mister.” We both smiled. Casey had quickly become my best friend. It was no trouble at all for us to masquerade as a heterosexual couple, since we wanted to spend most of our free time together anyway. It worked out well for both of us. Casey didn’t have to worry about guys hitting on her, and I didn’t have to worry about the guys figuring out why I enjoyed the showers so much. Casper came back with our drinks and joined us, since there were no other customers in Ofarim’s. It was just Casey, Casper, me, and Agnes, who owned the place. It didn’t matter if Agnes overheard our conversation, because she knew all about our situation. Agnes was Sandy’s great aunt, and she’s the one who introduced her to Casey. Agnes knew Casey and I were dating just for show, and, to top it all off, Agnes was gay herself. Our secrets were safe with her. “I don’t see how you can drink that,” said Casper, indicating Casey’s Tab. “Those things are nasty.” “I’ve gotten used to them. Besides, it’s this or water if I want a drink with virtually no calories. Some of us can’t eat everything in sight and still not put on weight.” Casey glared at me for a moment. “What?” I asked innocently. “Wouldn’t it be cool if they made something that tasted like Coke, but didn’t have any calories,” Casey said. “I heard something about that,” said Casper. “I don’t remember where, but someone was saying they were going to come out with a ‘diet’ Coke that has no calories, but tastes the same as Coke.” “I hope that wasn’t just a dream you had,” said Casey. “No, someone was talking about it—maybe one of the teachers at school.”

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I frowned. “What’s wrong?” asked Casey. “Nothin’, or rather the same old something. I need a boyfriend.” “It’s too bad Jon isn’t gay or at least bi, it would solve both your problems,” said Casper. “Yeah, but he’s not, so we’re both out of luck.” “You’ll find someone,” said Casper. “I don’t see how. I can’t be out like you and the guys. If I could be, then I’d have a chance. At least then maybe some guy would approach me. I know there have to be other gay guys at school, but they’re in hiding just like me, so we can’t find each other. It’s so frustrating!” “I understand completely,” said Casey, taking my hand across the table. “I would have never found Sandy if Agnes hadn’t overheard me talking. Well, I guess I didn’t find her. Agnes got us together, but maybe something unexpected will happen to bring you together with someone, too.” “I want that more than anything. Right now I’d settle for just sex. I need sex so bad!” “Whoa, calm down there, hot stuff,” said Casey. “You look like you’re ready to breathe fire.” “Sometimes I feel like I could.” “Maybe that’s why you’re so good at football. You channel all that … um … excess energy into aggression on the football field,” said Casper. “So why is Brendan so much better than I am? I doubt he has any of that excess energy you’re talking about.” “He has none at all,” Casper said, blushing. “Okay, I’m getting really frustrated here.” “Sorry, baby,” said Casey, rubbing my hand. “Things will get better, somehow.” The bell over the door rang, and Perry Monahan and Nate London entered. They were both on my team so our intimate talk had to end. It was just as well, anyway. Perry and Nate said “hey” and took a booth not far from ours. For the rest of supper, Casey and I would have to play girlfriend and boyfriend. It wasn’t difficult. We generally acted almost the same as a real couple. We just had to edit our conversation a little when others were around. Casper got up to take care of Perry and Nate, so Casey and I were left alone again. She squeezed my hand and gave me a sad smile. Yeah, she understood.

Brendan

I left the gym after football practice and walked out to the truck to find no one there. Four boys sharing one vehicle wasn’t working out. Casper was still working at Ofarim’s, so he just walked there after school, but Nathan had to take the bus, hitch a ride, or wait until both Ethan and I were finished with our respective practices. It would have been more convenient if we were on the same team, but Ethan was a kick-ass wrestler, and my game was football. Neither of us could switch with ease. It wasn’t all that bad; our practices usually ended within a half hour of each other, but still it was a pain sometimes. Nathan had the worst of it. So far he’d chosen to wait for us every single day. He said it gave him time to get his homework done right after school. I needed to get my own transportation. I’d been giving it a great deal of thought for quite a long while. Casper and I weren’t poor boys on the run anymore. I had money in the bank, more than enough for a brand-new car. In my former life back in Kentucky, I’d been rich. Well, my parents had been rich and paid for everything. That meant I was able to save every cent I made and a good deal of what they’d given me, which was a considerable amount. I had a substantial trust fund, too, which I couldn’t touch until I was twenty-one. My dad had managed to lock up most of my accounts when he found out I was gay, but as far as I knew, even his lawyers hadn’t found a way to separate me from all my money. Even though I couldn’t touch most of it, I had managed to get my hands on a little over $10,000. Luckily, I’d been smart enough to hide that one account from dear old Dad and his lawyers.

- 24 -

Brendan

25

I wanted to be frugal, because I had the future of Casper and me to consider— college, our own home someday, and more. I really needed a car, though, and if I got one, Casper could drive it, too. Perhaps the time to purchase one was near at hand. I pulled my notebook out of my backpack, wrote Ethan and Nathan a note, and stuck it under the windshield wiper. I hoisted my backpack over my shoulder and headed out for Ofarim’s. There was a definite chill in the air. Then again, it was the very last day of November. Football season was nearing its end, which saddened me, especially since this was my senior year. Who knew if I’d be able to play football in college? At least we had games through part of December. I couldn’t believe how fast the season had gone by. I wanted to slow time down and savor it. I was the quarterback and team captain, and we were having a winning season. This time would never come again. Oh, well, that was life. Just as I’d struggled through the tough times, I’d make the best of the good times. One chapter of my life was soon to close, but that only meant another was about to begin. Casper would be in the next chapter, too, and, if I had my way, he’d be in the whole damn book, right down to the last page. I was happy. Who would have thought things would turn out so well? A year ago life had been rough, but even then the worst was over. Casper and I were on the run, hiding from the authorities who wanted to stuff me back in the Cloverdale Center for “treatment,” but we were free and together. Times were tough for us then, but I remembered a lot with fondness. It had been just Casper and me against the world it seemed. We were often tired and more often hungry, but we were together, and that meant everything. Things were at their worst when Casper got sick. I was so afraid I’d lose him, so afraid he’d die, but I’d done what I had to do to get him a warm place to sleep and medicine. After that, things had improved considerably, and we’d settled into a nice little life in Purity—that is, until we had to hit the road again. It’d all ended well, though, and now we had a home. If we were cold, it was only temporary, and if we were hungry, it was because we hadn’t taken time to eat. Yeah, things were good. I entered Ofarim’s. Casper was waiting on an elderly couple, but they were the only other customers in the place. He came up to me as soon as he finished setting their order on their table. “Hey, what’s up?” said Casper, no doubt surprised to see me. I didn’t often drop by Ofarim’s while he was working. “I just had to see my favorite boyfriend.”

Brendan

26

“If you have another one, you’re in big trouble.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips. “When do you get off work?” “About any time I want this evening. Things are really slow. There was a huge rush right when I got here after school. You wouldn’t have believed it! I think everyone in town dropped in, but since then … nothing.” “Good, I want you to go somewhere with me.” “Where?” “You’ll see when we get there.” “Mysterious, I like it. Is it somewhere private?” “We’ll do that later,” I said. “Don’t we always?” said Casper, grinning seductively. I wanted to throw him down into a booth and make love to him right then and there. Good things were worth waiting for, however. “Hold on, I’ll see if Agnes will let me leave.” Casper disappeared. I sat in the booth, looking at the rock ‘n roll memorabilia that decorated the walls. I like the ’50s feel of the place. I wondered what it would have been like to live in the time of ’57 Chevys, black-leather jackets, and early rock music. Casper was back before I had time to think about it much. “Let’s go,” he said. Casper and I walked along the sidewalk. He looked cute in his jeans, white t-shirt, and green-plaid flannel shirt. He was a good deal shorter than I was, and every time I saw him I wanted to take him in my arms and hug him. “What?” said Casper, noting my smile. “I was just thinking how lucky I am to have such a wonderful boyfriend.” Casper blushed. “I’m the one who’s lucky.” “We’re both lucky, then. I want us to be together forever and ever.” “That sounds good to me,” said Casper. He took my hand, and we walked on. The leaves were all but gone from the trees and lay on the ground like a vast golden blanket. Here and there were immense piles of them surrounded by green, the end result of hours spent raking. The scent of fall was in the air, but there was a hint of winter as well. “You know, Christmas isn’t that far away,” I said. “Yeah. Agnes said we’d start decorating Ofarim’s tomorrow.” “It’s going to be so different this year. I imagine there’ll be a real tree and a feast.” “Not like last year, huh?” “No.”

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“Last Christmas was special, though, just you and me making the best of what we had,” said Casper. “Every Christmas I’m with you will be special,” I said. “Awww,” said Casper and hugged me. “Now, tell me where we’re going.” “Here,” I said. We were just then arriving at Deerfield’s Auto Sales. Everyone bought their cars there, not only because Deerfield’s was the only dealership in town, but because it had a reputation for reasonable prices, honesty, and good service. My mind was set at ease by the fact that it was owned by Jon’s dad. I knew Mr. Deerfield would treat me right, even though I barely knew him. “Are you buying a car?” asked Casper, excitedly. We’d discussed the possibility a few times, but it’d been just that—a possibility. “That’s the plan.” There were between twenty and thirty cars and trucks in the lot, some new and some used. I’d long ago decided against a truck, as I had little need of one. If I had to haul something, I could borrow Jack’s old Ford. “So what are we looking for?” asked Casper. “Definitely not a station wagon,” I said, passing by a recent-model Chevy. Casper giggled. “New or used?” “I’m thinking used. We’ve got enough money for a new one, but I’d rather not deplete our reserves that much,” I said. “You sure have a lot more money in the bank than ever before,” said Casper. “We do,” I corrected, “and it’s best it stay that way. You never know what might happen in the future, and it’s going to be up to us to pay for college.” Casper nodded. “How about that one?” said Casper, pointing to a 1939 Dodge business coupe. It was big and black. “Not that used!” I gazed wistfully at a 1966 Mustang convertible. She was a beauty, but far too expensive and hardly practical for northern Indiana. The distinct chill in the air reminded me of that. Had I looked at the same car last summer, I would’ve probably thought quite differently about it. It was a good thing that winter was rearing its head. Mr. Deerfield walked across the car lot toward us. “Is there anything I can help you boys with, or are you just browsing?” “I’m in the market for a good used car, not too many miles, dependable, but maybe a little sporty.” I gazed at the Mustang again.

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“You’re one of Jon’s friends right? Brandon … no …” “Brendan.” “Yes, that’s right. You’re the football star. Sorry about not remembering your name. I get mixed up on names easily.” “No problem, Mr. Deerfield.” “I think I might have a car that will interest you. She just came in last week. She’s a local car, only 22,000 miles and in like-new condition.” He led us to a late model Cutlass Supreme. Shawn had one, but his was older and all beat up. This one was much more attractive. It looked practically new, was silver with a burgundy top and red cloth interior. “She’s a 1979 model, only two years old, low mileage like I said, and I happen to know she’s been well cared for.” I looked at the price on the windshield. It was well within my budget. “Care to take her for a spin?” “I’d love to,” I said. “Let me get the keys.” “What do you think?” I asked Casper. “I like it.” I walked around the car. It had spoke wheels and a racing stripe down the side. It really did look like new. Mr. Deerfield was back with the keys before we knew it. We climbed in, and I started her up. I drove out onto the street and headed toward Ofarim’s. “This is nice,” said Casper. “Look, air conditioning and a tape deck!” “Yeah, those will be great. I’m glad it’s an automatic, too. I’m not very good with a stick.” “That Mustang was a stick shift.” “Yeah, and I’m glad. It makes it a little easier not to buy it.” “Well, I really like this car.” “I’m going to buy it,” I said. “Merry Christmas, Casper and Brendan!” Casper laughed. “Does that mean I get to drive it, too?” “Of course it does. This is going to be our car, not mine.” “Thanks, Brendan. You’re sure you want to spend all this money? I mean, it’s kind of sudden.” “It’s not so sudden. I’ve been thinking about buying a car for a long time.” “Well, I’m all for it, but I just don’t want you to be sorry later.” “I won’t be. Trust me.” “Then buy it!” said Casper.

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“We will have to get insurance, for both of us,” I said. “Yeah.” “I’ll see about that tomorrow. I’ll just drive carefully until we’re insured.” I made a few turns, taking us by the high school and the old Graymoor Mansion and then back to the dealership. “Well, what do you think?” asked Mr. Deerfield as I got out and handed him the keys. “I think this may be the car for us.” “Since you’re a friend of Jon’s, we’ll skip the haggling process, and I’ll just quote you my best price. I can take $600 off the sticker price.” I wasn’t good at haggling, so that was fine by me. “Sounds good,” I said. “We’ll take it.” Mr. Deerfield seemed a little surprised that I was actually buying the car. I think he expected me to do lots of browsing and come back over and over before finally making a purchase. I’d figured I’d have to wait a long time until just the right car was available, but why wait when I’d found what I wanted right away? “Now, do you need me to write up paperwork to take to the bank so you can look into a loan?” “No. I’ll write you a check.” “Not many boys your age can do that,” said Mr. Deerfield. I smiled. “Let’s go inside and take care of all the paperwork. I’ll have Bill get her all cleaned up for you while we’re taking care of that.” Less than an hour later, Casper and I drove away from the car lot in our new Cutlass. Well, new to us anyway and close enough. “This is going to be great. We won’t have to ask to borrow Jack’s truck anymore, and Ethan and Nathan can use it, too,” I said. “No more crowding into the truck to ride to school,” said Casper. “And air conditioning in the summer!” I said. “Yeah, that doesn’t mean much now, but it will then.” “Wait until the guys see it,” I said. I couldn’t resist cruising around town just a bit before heading back to the farm. I’d had my own car back in Kentucky—a sleek Corvette convertible, no less—but my parents had paid for it and had taken it away from me, along with everything else they could, when they found out I was gay. This was my car, purchased with my money, and no one could take it away from me. It gave me a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt before. I was eighteen, legally an adult, and I could chart my own future. Of course Casper was sixteen and still under the legal

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guardianship of his grandmother, but it wouldn’t be that long before we could both go off to college. I was beginning to think about college. I didn’t like the idea of leaving Casper behind. I thought I might look into a school that was close by so I could either commute from the farm or at least be close enough I could come home on weekends. I wouldn’t start college before next fall at the earliest, so I wasn’t going to worry about that just now. I was going to focus on the more immediate future, like showing off my car to Ethan and Nathan! I drove slowly up the long, winding gravel driveway to the farmhouse, trying not to stir up any more dust than was necessary. As soon as I stopped, Casper got out and ran inside. He was soon back, pulling Ethan along with him. Nathan, Dave, and Ardelene were close behind. “Look what Brendan bought!” said Casper. I hadn’t seen him so excited in a long time. “A car?” asked Ethan. “Okay, I’m officially jealous.” “Good,” I said, “that makes it so much better.” “I’m jealous, too,” said Nathan. I smiled at him. I opened the doors, and the car was carefully inspected by all. I was far more proud of my used-car purchase than I had been of the new car Mom and Dad had given me. “Take us for a ride?” asked Nathan. “Sure thing,” I said. Casper, Nathan, and Dave climbed in the back, while Ethan got in the passenger seat. “Supper will be ready in under an hour, so don’t stay gone too long,” said Ardelene. “We’ll be back soon, Grandma,” yelled Casper. We slammed the doors, and I turned the car around in the drive. “This is really nice,” said Ethan. “I knew you were talking about getting a car, but I didn’t expect you to just come home driving one!” “It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision,” I said. “I just thought it would be a lot better if we didn’t all have to share the truck. You and Nathan can borrow the car any time you want.” “Nah, we couldn’t do that. It’s your car,” said Ethan. “Yes, you can. I owe you guys so much!” “This is so cool!” said Nathan. “I’m so glad you got a two door and not one of those old-people cars.”

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We drove back into town and cruised around for a while. I pulled into the school parking lot and switched with Ethan so he could drive for a bit. “This rides a lot smoother than the truck,” Ethan noted. Everyone expressed their admiration for the car as we continued to cruise around. We blasted the radio and waved to teammates and friends. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t in ages. At last, I had wheels again! After a good long while, we headed back to the farm. As we got out and Ethan handed me the keys, I was already looking forward to driving to school the next morning.

Dane

Dear Shawn, Have you found a boyfriend yet? I haven’t. It would be a lot easier if I could be out like Ethan and the others, but I can’t. I know you know how that is. It’s rough, isn’t it? I really, really, really want a boyfriend, but I want to find a nice guy I can date and be all romantic with and like that. I want what Ethan and Nathan have and Casper and Brendan. That’s so hard to find, though, especially since I don’t dare let anyone know I’m interested! There are some way-cute boys at school, but I don’t really want to risk getting my head beat in. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so sorry for what I tried to do to you. There is no good excuse for it. I wanted you bad, found a way to get you, and used it. I know I ended up not blackmailing you like I was going to, but like I told you before, I was planning on going through with it after that first time I backed down. And then you saved me from Boothe. I might be dead now if it wasn’t for you, so I owe you my life. I know you said not to mention it again, but I can’t just forget something like that. I’ve been trying real hard to make myself into a better person, and it’s mostly because of you. It’s because of Ethan and the others, too, but mainly because of you. I won’t ever forget how you saved me that night. Listen, I’ve been thinking. It would be really cool to see you sometime. I can’t drive, but you could come and visit me. It’s not that far. I’ll buy you lunch or supper or whatever. It would just be cool for us to get together and talk. Your letters have meant a lot to me. If we’d met under different circumstances maybe we could have even been boyfriends. I still want to be your friend. If you don’t want that, I understand totally, but I just wanted to let you know

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how I feel. I’m trying to be more honest about things these days. So let me know, okay?

Dane I addressed an envelope to Shawn, carefully folded the letter, and sealed it inside. Shawn and I had kept in touch since I’d come back from Verona. Ethan and I wrote each other now and then, too. I still couldn’t believe how nice all those guys were to me when I’d been such a total ass. I had changed, but it still amazed me that they were so forgiving. I’d learned my lesson. I wasn’t a conniving, manipulative little jerk anymore, but I still had a long way to go. I was working hard to change the way I thought about the people around me, mainly guys. During the summer I’d been out to get laid, and I didn’t care what I had to do or who I had to hurt to succeed. I wasn’t like that anymore. I was looking for more than just sex now, and I wasn’t willing to harm anyone to get what I wanted. I had my sights set on a relationship. Sure, I still wanted sex, but I’d learned that all the other stuff that went with a relationship was more important than the sex itself. I’d figured that out in the short time I’d spent with the boys on the Selby farm. Watching Ethan and Nathan and Brendan and Casper showed me that there was a lot more to a relationship than sex. I had no doubt that both couples went at it like rabbits, but they truly loved each other. They were happy just being together, no matter what they were doing. The very first time I saw Brendan look at Casper with love in his eyes, I knew that I wanted someone to look at me like that someday. That wasn’t something that came with a casual sexual encounter. That’s something that came with a serious relationship. I fell short of my ideal. I did want a relationship, but I couldn’t help but be turned on by the guys around me. I couldn’t help thinking about sex. When I looked at a hot guy, I thought of doing it with him. I didn’t like the way my thoughts went right to sex. Of course, I was pretty sure the hetero boys thought the same way about girls. Maybe it was just nature. I guess the important thing was to control myself and keep my mind on the task at hand—finding a boyfriend. It was the hardest keeping my mind on task when I was with Billy. That boy drove me out of my mind with lust! The thing was, it wasn’t just sex I wanted from him. I wanted Billy to light up when I was near and look at me with love in his eyes. I wanted us to go on dates, hold hands, and walk together in the moonlight. I loved Billy. I was in love with him. I’d never been in love before, but this

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had to be it. I’d never felt this way about anyone before. If Billy would’ve just wrapped his strong arms around me and told me he loved me, I would’ve died happy. My love for Billy made me want him all the more. That kind of confused me. Just a short time before I’d been all about sex. I’d learned how wrong that was, but then my feelings for Billy made me want to have sex with him more than ever. It wasn’t just that I found him incredibly attractive. I wanted to be with him, be a part of him, if that makes any sense. Once I’d started thinking about him in terms of a relationship, my desire for him had increased tenfold, which made it that much harder to keep from thinking about sex. Even my sexual desires for Billy felt different, though. There were all these other feelings mixed up with my lust. I guess I just had a lot to learn. After all, sex wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. One of the many reasons I was afraid to reveal my true nature to him is that I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. If he wasn’t like me and I told him about me, it might hurt him. He might think I was his friend just because I wanted to get into his pants, and it wasn’t like that at all. Ugh! I was doing too much thinking! Why was I always thinking? It had been so much easier being a jerk. I guess the effort was worth it, though, or would be. If I could find my own dream boy, wow! That would be worth just about anything! I wondered if I’d have a better chance finding a boyfriend if I got myself in shape. After all, guys with muscles made me drool. I went out to the garage where I was fairly sure there was some old weight equipment hanging around. I had to move a pile of stuff, but after a few minutes I located an old weight bench and a set of weights. The weights were just the cheap plastic kind, filled with sand or whatever, but that was good enough for me. It’s not as if I was going to be a bodybuilder or something. I actually laughed out loud at the thought. It took me about fifteen minutes to clear a path to the weight equipment after I spotted it. I had to move the snow blower, the lawn sweeper, and several unidentified boxes of junk that were probably filled with Mom’s yard-sale bargains. She was forever carting stuff home, but I don’t know if we ever used any of it. Come to think of it, the weight equipment was one of her purchases, but I’d had no inclination to use it until today. Once I made my way to the bench and weights, there was still the matter of moving them. I carted the bench to my room first and set it up in a corner, after rearranging my furniture a bit to make room for it. Why wasn’t anything ever easy?

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I returned to the garage and tried to lift the bar loaded with weights. I couldn’t budge it. I pulled off several of the weight plates, replaced the collars so the remaining plates wouldn’t slide off, and then lugged the barbell inside. It took five more trips for me to get all the plastic weight plates and the dumbbells into my room. It was no wonder more people didn’t work out. You had to have muscles even to move the stupid weight equipment! I didn’t know much about weight lifting, but I’d seen Billy do bench presses and curls on his weight set, which was much nicer than mine. We were starting a unit on weight training in P.E. soon, so I’d just have to make do with two exercises until I learned more. I had no idea how much weight to use, so I set the bar on the supports and loaded it with a hundred pounds. I lay back on the padded bench, grasped the bar, and lifted—nothing. I couldn’t even move the bar off the supports. Feeling a bit embarrassed, despite the fact that I was completely alone, I pulled several weight plates off the bar and then re-secured the collars. Now, it was loaded with fifty pounds. I lay back and tried my luck again. I lifted the bar off the supports and lowered it to my chest. I pressed the bar back up, doing my first bench press ever. Now that wasn’t so hard! I did another and another. By the time I reached the seventh repetition, the weight seemed to be getting a lot heavier. By the time I made it to the ninth, my arms were shaking. As I lowered the bar back to my chest and began to push it up for the tenth rep, my arms trembled so badly I lost control. I only had the bar about three inches off my chest when my left arm simply gave out and the bar fell back down onto my chest. I uttered a loud “oomph.” I tried to heave the barbell off, but I was trapped. I wasn’t quite sure how to get myself out of the predicament I’d landed myself in. I could call for help, of course, but how embarrassing! I managed to slide the bar to the left until the end was touching the floor. I used both arms to lift up the right side of the bar and crawl out while the floor supported most of the weight. I hefted the bar back onto the supports and stared at it as if it was an enemy. Some guys might’ve given up right there, but not me. If I couldn’t do ten reps with fifty pounds, I’d just have to try it with forty. After all, no one but me would know how much weight I was lifting. I’d heard boys at school brag about bench pressing a hundred pounds and more, but those guys were buff. I wanted to be buff, too, so that maybe Billy would look at me the way Casper looked at Brendan. I took a five-pound weight plate off each end of the barbell and tried again. This time I did ten repetitions with far greater ease. I trembled as I struggled with the last reps, but I didn’t lose control!

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When I’d finished three sets, I ripped off my shirt, looked in the mirror, and flexed. I didn’t see any difference. Patient, aren’t I? I thought to myself and smiled. I turned back to my weights. It was time to give barbell curls a go. ✶

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Every day after school and then again before I went to bed, I did bench presses and curls. The morning after my first workout I was so sore I could hardly move, but the next morning hadn’t been as bad, and on the next I was barely sore at all. I was really enthusiastic about the whole body-building thing. I already felt as if I was stronger. Our unit on weight training in P.E. began just three days after I’d lugged the old weight set out of the garage. We didn’t get to work out the first day, which was a bummer, but Coach Barbaresi, my P.E. teacher and the Marmont High School football coach, told us a few things about weigh lifting that got my attention. I found out I’d been going about it all wrong. He said it was best for beginners to work out every other day. Only when we learned how to do something called a ‘split routine’ should we work out daily. I’d been doing two workouts a day! “But, wouldn’t working out more often build muscle faster?” I asked when Coach had dropped his bombshell. “Your body needs a chance to repair damage, build new muscle, and rest before it’s ready for another workout,” said the coach, who seemed to be pleased I was interested enough to ask the question. “It would be great if your body could do all that in an hour or so, but it takes something closer to thirty-six hours. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but you’ll actually put on muscle faster working out every other day than you would if you worked out every day.” A lot of the other guys asked questions, too. I was obviously not the only one enthusiastic about weight training. It sure beat our previous unit on volleyball. Yuck! On our second day, Coach took us to the school weight room. Since I wasn’t on any of the sports teams, I’d never been in there before. There were four big, confusing-looking machines spaced out in the center of the room, looking a bit like something one would expect to use to land on the moon. I was relieved when Coach led us to a line of what he called free weights instead. Those looked more like what I was used to, only the weight plates were steel and not cheap plastic.

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Coach said we would start off with free weights, and later he’d show us how to use the machines. “Would anyone like to demonstrate the bench press for us?” asked Coach. I started to raise my hand, but Billy’s shot into the air first. My disappointment at not getting to show off a bit was dimmed by the excitement of getting to see Billy work out. If only he would take his shirt off to do it! That didn’t happen, but I still experienced a guilty thrill when he lay back on the bench. I looked at the barbell Billy had loaded with ninety pounds of weight plates and was suddenly glad he’d been picked instead of me. I would’ve looked like a weakling benching my forty pounds. Billy’s muscles bulged as he did ten perfect bench presses. I watched his form and also the muscles of his chest as they pressed against his shirt. His biceps bulged out, too, and I feared something of mine might cause a bulge due to the excitement of watching Billy. When Coach asked us to pair up with a partner I very nearly made a beeline for Billy. Just in time I remembered my pathetic forty-pound, bench-press weight and turned to Simon Maxwell instead. I knew I could out-lift Simon. He was about 5'6" and weighed probably 110. He was blond and thin and looked like he didn’t have any muscle at all. “I don’t know about this,” Simon said a bit uncomfortably as our turn to use one of the weight benches approached. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a weight bench at home. I’ll show you the ropes.” Simon looked relieved, and I must admit I loved playing the expert, even though I’d only been working out for three days. It turned out Simon could bench press only thirty pounds, so my forty was at least somewhat impressive by comparison. I noticed that most of the other guys were working out with fifty, sixty, and even seventy pounds. I was going to have to work hard just to catch up. Billy’s eyes fell on my bar just as I finished a set, and I flushed with embarrassment. “Hey, it’s cool, Dane. When I started working out, I just used forty pounds, too. Soon you’ll be doing ninety like me.” I grinned at Billy as Simon looked at him in admiration. The coach taught us several new exercises over the following days—military presses, incline-bench presses, barbell and dumbbell curls, ab crunches, lateral raises, shoulder shrugs, and more. He began to show us a few exercises on the machines, too. I felt a bit intimidated by the huge machines at first, but I quickly grew to love them. Since we were working out in P.E., I didn’t bother to touch

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my weights at home. I began to dream of the day when I could afford a real weight machine. Perhaps I’d ask for one for Christmas. Simon struggled along, but I helped him as best I could. Before my summer in Verona I would’ve probably just called him a wuss and then moved on, but I had more compassion for others now. Even though I was stronger than Simon, we were both more or less in the same boat. I was somewhat embarrassed and even felt a bit inferior to most of the other guys, because they were so much stronger than I was. Poor Simon was the weakest of all. I could just imagine what it was like for him. I did my best to encourage him and make him feel good about himself. The other guys noticed me and started encouraging him as well. Sometimes the guys in my P.E. class could be real jerks, but sometimes they were truly cool. Our unit on weight training lasted only two weeks, which was a bummer. I wished we could just stick with it and forget about Ping-Pong, basketball, and all the rest. I picked up a lot of pointers from the coach, though, and from the other guys in class. It even gave Billy and me something new to talk about. Returning to my poor, pathetic weight set was a letdown after using the machines at school, but I was glad to have it. The bench presses were steadily getting easier for me, and I was champing at the bit to increase my weight to fifty pounds. The coach said it was best not to push too hard, so I followed his advice. I figured I would stick with forty pounds for another week or so and then try fifty. Billy was more advanced than I was, so I asked him a lot of weight-lifting questions. I never did quite get the hang of bending my arms just right to do butterflies, so I asked Billy to help me out. “I can’t describe it,” he said. “I’ll have to show you. Why don’t you come home with me after school?” “Thanks, that will be great!” Going home with Billy after school was all I could think about the rest of the day. I’d been to his house several times, but somehow this was different. I felt like it marked a deepening of our friendship, and there’s nothing I wanted more than to be close to Billy. I met Billy at his locker, and we walked to his house together, just as we did on most days. This time we didn’t part at the edge of his yard. Billy led me to his room, where he kept his weight set. His free weights weren’t quite as nice as those at school, but they were far superior to mine. I watched as Billy loaded up two dumbbells with thirty pounds each. He set them down on the floor, one on each side of the weight bench, then turned around and began to unbutton his shirt. I tried not to stare, but it wasn’t easy. Billy had a beautiful chest, all smooth and

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firm and bulging out in all the right places. His body was an example of what sports and working out could accomplish. Billy sat down on the bench, picked up the dumbbells and lay on his back. “Watch what I do carefully,” he said. “Butterflies aren’t hard, but they take concentration.” I knew I would have no trouble keeping my eyes glued to Billy’s sexy body. I watched as he pressed the weights over his chest, then lowered them to the sides with his arms slightly bent. I could see why the exercise was called butterflies because Billy’s arms moved like the wings of a butterfly as he lowered the weights and then lifted them again. His pecs and biceps flexed as he lifted the weights, making him look stronger and sexier than ever. I had to fight to get myself under control. I knew I’d be lying back on that bench next, and if I was excited, there would be no hiding it. I watched as Billy did three sets. As he pulled another pair of dumbbells out, I quickly turned and adjusted myself to hide my excitement as much as possible. “You can use these ten-pound weights,” said Billy. “That’s probably a little light for you, but we’re just working on your form; you can figure out your weight later.” I lay back on the bench. Billy handed me the weights. I just knew he’d notice the bulge in my jeans, but if he did, he didn’t comment on it. I pressed the dumbbells over my chest and began to lower them. “Bend at the elbows a little less,” said Billy. “Yeah, that’s it. Now, try to keep the dumbbells in about the same position. You need to keep balanced or you could fall off the bench.” Billy kept critiquing my form as I did my first set of ten. I was glad he’d given me light weights because I didn’t have to worry about not being able to complete a set. Despite the light weight, I could feel the pull in my pecs as I did the butterflies. I remembered how Billy’s pecs had flexed and now I could feel it in my own body. By the time I’d finished my third set, Billy pronounced my form perfect. I sat up, overtly pleased. “That’s enough for today,” said Billy. “I worked out yesterday, so this is my off day.” It was mine, too, and I didn’t want to push it. I remembered what the coach had said about getting better results by working out every other day instead of daily. Half the work with better results, that was for me! Billy put on some tunes, and we thumbed through some of his muscle magazines.

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“Eww, that’s just gross!” I said, looking at a picture of a model who was so huge he didn’t even look human. “Yeah, I never want to get that big,” said Billy. “I want to be buff, but not huge.” “You’re already buff,” I said, wondering instantly if I should have said it. Billy didn’t know I was crushing on him. “Thanks, but I’m not nearly buff enough. When I get finished with myself, I’m going to have an awesome bod. The girls are going to go crazy over me!” I didn’t like hearing that at all, but I laughed so Billy wouldn’t notice my disappointment. ✶

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December 12th was the worst day of my entire life, and that’s saying something. That was the day I found out Billy Holmes had a girlfriend. Billy was especially cheerful when he called me that Saturday morning and invited me over to hang out. His happiness was exceeded only by my own. Just being near Billy made me feel all warm and fuzzy. That feeling crashed to the ground about five seconds after he closed the door to his room and sat down beside me on the bed. “I made out with Rue Dexter last night,” said Billy. That single sentence brought my whole world crashing down. Up to that point I’d held a secret hope that Billy was just like me and that someday, somehow, we’d get together. Even his comment a few days earlier about getting buff so the girls would go nuts over him didn’t quite quash my fantasy. I knew in my heart Billy probably wasn’t like me, but there was always hope, until the moment Billy told me about Rue. “I’ve had my eye on her for a long time,” said Billy. “I never thought she would go for me. I mean, she’s a whole year older, and she’s gorgeous! Well, aren’t you going to say something?” “Um, yeah, congratulations.” I’m sure I didn’t sound too enthusiastic, but the truth was, I was a hundred times less happy about Billy’s news than I sounded. “She rubbed my chest while we were making out and said I had a nice bod. I came so close to feeling her up, but I don’t want to screw things up by moving too fast, you know?” “Yeah.” “I figure I’ll get a lot farther a lot faster if I don’t push it. It’s so hard not to just go for it, though! I wanna fuck her so bad!”

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Billy was getting excited. The front of his jeans was expanding. I quickly averted my eyes. If I allowed myself to look, I’d be in the same state, and how would I explain that to Billy? It’s really hard to pretend to be happy when your heart has just been ripped out. All my hopes and dreams had just been crushed into dust, and I felt more like crying than smiling. I felt like a jerk, too, because I was thinking of myself and not Billy. He had someone now, and I should’ve been happy for him. Instead, I was hurt, upset, and jealous. I loved Billy. I cared about his happiness, so why wasn’t I happy for him? “Oh, man!” said Billy, throwing his hands over his head and falling back on his bed. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted Rue?” “You’ve never actually mentioned her.” “That’s because I didn’t think I had a chance with her. Remember when she played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, back when we were in 4th grade? I fell in love with her then. She was so beautiful!” “I’m happy for you,” I said, even though only the tiniest part of me could summon up that particular emotion for him at the moment. “Thanks, Dane!” said Billy, sitting up again. “I can’t stand just sitting here. I’m so excited! I’ve got to do something! Wanna play basketball?” Billy jumped up off the bed. I didn’t remind him it was freezing outside. The truth was, I didn’t care. Anything was better than sitting there in Billy’s bedroom pretending to be happy. We bundled up and Billy retrieved his basketball from the garage. There was no snow on the ground, so our court was clear. Billy’s eyes sparkled as he smiled at me and tossed me the ball. My heart was so filled with love for him that it ached. I dribbled the ball and darted around Billy. He blocked me and the game was on. Basketball helped me get my mind off my troubles. I intentionally focused on the game, as if it was the most important thing in the world. I didn’t care if I won or lost, I just needed to play. I needed to do something, anything, to keep myself distracted. I would say it was ironic that we played basketball on the day my dreams were dashed, for it was a game of basketball that was the first step toward my friendship with Billy. I’m not going to say it was ironic, though, because I hate that word. Everything is always ironic, and it sucks. I did remember that day, though, the day I first took a chance with Billy. It seemed like a hundred years ago, although it was only a few weeks. That was the day I summoned the courage to

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approach Billy. That was the day I began to hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d someday be my boyfriend. We were both panting and out of breath by the time our game was finished. I won. Billy usually beat me, but I was so focused on the game that I not only beat him, I kicked his butt. If I could’ve maintained that kind of focus, I could’ve probably played on the school team. I didn’t like the heartbreak that spawned that focus, however. A win wasn’t worth that price. I went home when our game was over. I needed to be alone. I needed to be away from Billy. I had a lot of feelings to sort out. As I stepped away from Billy’s house I felt as if my life was over. When I got home I lay down on my bed and cried.

Shawn

I walked down the hallway, passing one boy after another—girls, too, of course—but it was the guys who were on my mind. Could my future boyfriend be among them somewhere? Maybe I’d just walked right past him. Now wouldn’t that be something? There had to be some way to find out who was gay and who wasn’t. There should’ve been a list or something that gay boys like me could check out, like a telephone book. Instead, I had to stumble along in ignorance. If it hadn’t been for my dad, I think I would’ve come out. I know it would be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I was tough. I could take it. Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper were all out, and their lives weren’t so bad. Hell, Brendan was captain of the football team! Everyone knew he was gay, and the team still elected him. Sure, there were jerks around who wanted to cause trouble, but I could handle trouble. Dad, he was the one holding me back. If he found out I was gay, I’d lose everything. He might send me away to a hospital like the one Brendan had been stuck in when his parents found out about him. More likely he’d kick me out on the street, probably after he beat the crap out of me. He might even just grab a shotgun and blow my head off. Who knew with him? At least Tom was out of the picture. I sure hoped he’d be staying in jail for a good long time. If he got out, I’d have to haul ass out of Verona pronto. I’d be notified if he was to be released, but I had a secret fear he’d escape and come and cut my throat during the night or something. I’d crossed him, and you didn’t cross my brother and get away with it. Maybe thwarting his plans hadn’t been a good idea

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where my safety was concerned, but what was I going to do: let him go to school and kill Brendan and who knows who else? No, I’d made the right choice. I guess I couldn’t complain too much. My life had gotten easier and safer. If I kept my sexual orientation under wraps, my only real problem was not having a boyfriend. My secret was about as safe as it could get. My relationship with Casey kept us both well hidden. I desperately wanted a boyfriend, but not having one wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I continued down the hall, still wishing for that list of gay boys, knowing it didn’t exist. I guessed all I could do was pray for a miracle. God, please just reveal one gay boy to me, a boy who wants a boyfriend as much as I do. He doesn’t even have to be cute, but if he is, so much the better. I thought of Dane, not as a potential boyfriend, but as someone like me, who was looking and not finding what he wanted in life. We’d been exchanging letters ever since he went back home. At first it was just him apologizing all over the place for what he’d done to me and even more for what he’d planned to do, but it hadn’t taken us long to become friends. Life was weird. On that day when he tried to blackmail me into having sex with him, I would never have guessed that someday we’d be friends. Of course, a whole lot had happened that I never thought would happen, but that’s a whole other story. Dane had sure changed, anyway. At least that much good had come out of those disturbing events. ✶

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“It’s time you found a boyfriend,” said Casey as we sat in her room. “Didn’t you jump on me a few days ago for stating the obvious?” “Now, don’t be mad, but …” “You’re making me nervous.” I looked into Casey’s eyes. “What have you done?” “Don’t get all worried on me. I haven’t been posting “Boyfriend Wanted” signs for you all over town.” I just looked at her. “I know you can’t risk being outed, so Sandy and I came up with an idea.” Casey handed me a sheet of paper. “What’s this?” “The names and phone numbers of the gay boys Sandy was able to discover in Plymouth.” “Are you serious?” I asked, looking down at the list. I didn’t know whether to be excited or afraid. The list seemed a good omen, however. Hadn’t I just been

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wishing for a list much like the one I now held in my hands? Hadn’t I asked God to find me a boyfriend? “I’m afraid Sandy could only come up with five. We’re sure there are a lot more, but you aren’t the only closet case around,” said Casey. “Are you serious?” I repeated. “How did you get this?” “The top name on the list is Cameron. He’s one of Sandy’s best friends. He’s heavily involved with theatre and plans to attend Julliard after high school. He’s tall, thin, and good looking. He’s … well, let’s just say she had her suspicions about him for a long time. A few months ago they had a talk, and he admitted he was gay. Just a couple of days ago she convinced him to cough up this list.” “Wow,” I said. “So all these guys go to Plymouth?” “Yes, which means no one in Verona knows who they are, and no one here knows they’re gay. Sandy says that Cameron is virtually out at school, but none of the others is.” “Hey, I recognize one of these names,” I said. “Blake York. He plays football for Plymouth.” “Don’t get nervous. He’s gay, so he’s not going to out you. If you aren’t comfortable with meeting him, we can just cross him off the list.” “I dunno. He’s a hottie,” I said. “Maybe I’ll call him first!” Despite Casey’s concern, I wasn’t worried about being outed by Blake. How could he out me without outing himself? “So you’re going to make use of the list?” asked Casey. “Hell yeah! I am so tired of being alone.” “That’s a relief,” said Casey. “I was afraid you might not want to call.” “I think you know me better than that, Babe. Thank you so much!” I grabbed her, hugged her, and kissed her. “I know you’re probably hot to meet Blake, but Sandy wanted you to do her a favor and meet Cameron first, okay?” asked Casey. “I’ve never met him, but she says he’s a really sweet guy, and even if you two don’t hit it off, maybe you can be friends.” “For Sandy, anything.” “I’m glad you feel that way, because you’ve got a date with Cameron in two hours.” “What?” “Sandy is really eager for the two of you to meet.” “But you and I were supposed to go out tonight,” I said. “Besides, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” “You’re going.”

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“But …” “No, buts; you’re going, and that’s that. Now, come with me.” “Where?” “To your house, I’m going to help you get dressed.” “You don’t trust me to pick out my own clothes? I am gay, after all. Aren’t we gay boys supposed to have good fashion sense?” “That’s just a stereotype that unfortunately doesn’t hold true for all of you.” “What are you trying to say?” I asked mischievously. “I’m just saying I think you could use my help.” “What’s wrong with what I’ve got on?” “That does it. There is no way you’re going on your very first date without my fashion assistance.” I rolled my eyes as I followed Casey out of her room and down to my car. We were at my house in minutes. Luckily, neither my dad nor my little brother was home. “This is the first thing that has to go,” said Casey, ripping my shirt right over my head. “What’s wrong with a football jersey?” “Cameron is sophisticated. He’s not a jock.” “I thought everyone was hot for jocks.” “Men!” “Why do you say that, like it’s supposed to explain everything?” “It does. You have no idea how glad I am to be a lesbian. Now, strip.” I stripped down to my boxers as Casey rummaged through my closet. “These slacks and these loafers,” said Casey, handing them back to me without even looking. I pulled on the slacks and put on the shoes while I waited for her to select a shirt. She took so long I feared there was nothing in my closet she thought worthy of Cameron. “Here, put this on,” said Casey finally, shoving a long-sleeved, button-down shirt at me. I had to admit I looked good. The black shirt made me look all dressy and perfectly matched the slacks and loafers. “Now, put on your gold chain, and you’re set.” Casey stood back and admired her handiwork. She wasn’t quite satisfied, however, and jerked me toward the bathroom where she fixed my hair. I honestly didn’t see a difference when she’d finished, but I didn’t tell her that.

Shawn

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“Okay, you’ve got almost an hour before your date, so no wrinkling your clothes, and don’t forget to put on some cologne just before you go, but not too much.” “Arrgggh, this dating stuff is so much trouble!” I growled in frustration. “Let me guess, you want to just skip right to the sex,” said Casey. “Well …” “Shawn!” “Hey, a guy has needs, you know?” “I’m sure you’re positively filled with need, but we’re going for something here that lasts more that five minutes.” “Hey, I can last a lot longer than five minutes. I think. Anyway, I’ll control myself. I want sex, but I want a boyfriend even more.” “Just remember, a good relationship doesn’t begin with sex on the first date.” “I know.” “I just want you to be happy,” said Casey. “Thanks,” I said and kissed her on the lips. “Okay, I’m leaving now. Don’t forget what I said.” “Want me to drive you?” “No, I need the exercise.” Casey departed. I hung out in my room for a while, enjoying the absence of my father and little brother. I decided not to push it, however, knowing that either could come back at any time. Seeing my father would definitely ruin my day. I put on some cologne, as ordered by Casey, and set off for Plymouth. It was only a fifteen-minute drive, so I had time to spare. The half hour or so I spent killing time was pure boredom, relieved only by a sense of nervousness at meeting a gay boy I didn’t know. I’d spent plenty of time with gay boys, but they were all involved with someone else. This was the first time I was meeting someone who might turn out to be my boyfriend. Sandy had arranged for Cameron and me to meet at Pizza Hut. Plymouth had more restaurants than Verona, but they tended to be of the fast-food variety. The top of the line in Plymouth were the Pizza Hut and the Ponderosa, which was kind of sad. The Plymouth Pizza Hut was rated number two in the U.S., however, and did have about the best pizza around. I just hoped it wouldn’t be crowded. How could we talk with a lot of other people around? I was relieved that there were only a few patrons sitting in the dark interior when I arrived. I looked around trying to spot Cameron, but since I only had a general description of him, I knew my chances of locating him weren’t the best. I

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should have asked Casey for more details, but too much had been running though my mind at the time. “Shawn?” I turned to find myself face to face with a good-looking boy of my own age. He was a good three inches taller than I was, had wavy, light-brown hair, and hazel eyes. He shocked me by giving me a quick hug by way of greeting. I pulled back, but he didn’t seem to notice. The hostess approached us. “Smoking or non-smoking?” she asked. “Honey, do either of us look old enough to smoke?” replied Cameron. He sounded so … gay. The waitress wasn’t fazed, but my discomfort increased exponentially. I feared all eyes were upon us as we walked across the restaurant to our booth. Thankfully, no one else was seated nearby, and I was able to mostly hide myself by sitting well back. Cameron was dressed in a white silk shirt with black slacks. He wore a gold watch, and three rings. He was the most feminine boy I’d ever met in my life. How could Sandy have thought for even a second that I’d be attracted to him? I was turned on by masculinity: muscles, aggressiveness, strength, and more. Cameron had none of these features. Put him in a dress and he could’ve passed for a girl. I was completely turned off. It turned out that Cameron was either allergic to or simply hated just about every topping available, so we ended up with a cheese and hamburger pizza. It was okay, but I’d been looking forward to pepperoni, green peppers, and the whole nine yards. My disappointment in the pizza was only the beginning, however. Cameron went on and on about the play he was choreographing at school and how none of the cast, particularly the boys, had the grace, dedication, or intelligence to follow the dance moves. He went on to tell me about a boy he’d dated and what an “absolute disaster” it was. The way he pronounced “absolute” made the word sound twice as long as normal. He also used words like “marvelous” and “fabulous” more than anyone else I’d ever met, and he was so dramatic. He couldn’t keep his hands still as he talked, and it looked almost as if he was a conductor orchestrating his own conversation. Cameron would not shut up. I was tempted to yell, “Please stop talking!” but I didn’t want to be rude. His ceaseless rambling was beginning to give me a headache, however.

Shawn

49

“Do you play any sports?” I asked when he finally paused to take a breath. There had to be something we could talk about other than choreography and his past relationships. “Um, noooo,” he said, as if the mere thought was ridiculous. “Not even just for fun?” “What could possibly be fun about getting all sweaty chasing after a ball?” I nearly asked if he was into working out, but the answer to that was so obvious there was no need. He was so thin I was sure he’d never touched a barbell in his life. I didn’t get the chance, anyway, because Cameron began to regale me with the tale of his latest shopping trip in South Bend. I considered drowning him in his Coke just to shut him up. I felt a little guilty for being so turned off by him. He was gay, after all, and I felt like us gay guys needed to stick together, but what could I do? He had none of the qualities I appreciated in a guy. He didn’t even seem like a guy! Both Nathan and Casper were much shorter than Cameron, but I was sure either of them could have kicked his ass with ease. Cameron was devoid of masculinity. I didn’t want to be a dick, so I made nice and listened to Cameron as if I cared about his overly dramatic life. He wasn’t a bad guy, after all. He just wasn’t someone I wanted to hang out with. I asked the waitress for the check as soon as possible so I could get the hell out of there. I waited for an opportunity to say my goodbyes outside the restaurant, but Cameron wouldn’t stop talking. “Could you drive me home?” asked Cameron. “I loaned Mom my car. Hers is in the shop. I had her drop me off. I could walk, but it’s sooooo far.” “Um, sure,” I said. “You don’t like me very much, do you,” said Cameron as I was pulling away from Pizza Hut. It was a statement, not a question. “It’s not that I don’t like you, you’re just … not my type.” “I was hoping that glazed-over look in your eyes while we were eating was lust, but I fear it was boredom.” “Listen, you seem like a really nice guy, and I’m sure you are since you’re a friend of Sandy’s, but … I don’t think we have anything in common. I’m into football, not theatre. I hate shopping, and … I just doubt we’d get along. I bet we don’t even like the same music.” Cameron looked through some of my cassettes shoved between the seats. “Not a single cast album. I think you’re right about our diverging tastes in music. You don’t like musicals at all, do you?” “I would, but there’s too much singing and too much dancing.”

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“That’s the whole point of musicals, sweetie!” I bit my tongue. It was the only way I could keep myself from yelling at him for calling me sweetie. “You know, we do have one thing in common,” said Cameron. “What?” “We both like boys.” I laughed. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” “You want to make out?” I thought about it for a moment. Cameron wasn’t my type, but he was rather good looking, and I’d never had a chance to make out with another guy before. Casey said a relationship shouldn’t start with sex, but making out was hardly sex, and this relationship was already dead in the water. “Yeah,” I said. Cameron directed me down a dead-end street where we pulled up behind an abandoned warehouse of some kind. I turned off the engine and took off my seat belt. I was both nervous and aroused. Cameron quickly scooted across the seat, grabbed me, and shot his tongue into my mouth. I was surprised by his aggressiveness and was instantly turned on. I pulled him closer and kissed him back forcefully. Casey and I had made out a few times, but it was nothing like this. Making out with Cameron was ten times more intense. Neither Casey nor I had really been into it when we were kissing, but it was obvious that making out with a guy was completely different from kissing a girl. Cameron was the most feminine boy I’d ever met, yet his moves could only be described as aggressive and masculine. I’d thought a lot about sex with another guy, but I obviously hadn’t given making out enough thought. It was way hotter than I’d imagined, and I was barely attracted to Cameron at all. I could just imagine what it would be like with a guy like Brendan or Ethan. Cameron ran his hands up under my shirt and felt the muscles of my chest. The sensation of being touched by another guy was sexy and hot. Cameron dropped his hand down into my lap and groped me. I don’t think I’d ever been more aroused. In no time at all our jeans were open and we were stroking each other as we remained lip-locked. I could feel the pressure building, and way too soon I moaned into Cameron’s mouth and lost control. It must have triggered something within him for seconds later he threw his head back and groaned with release.

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I looked at Cameron sitting beside me when we’d both finished. He was still the feminine boy I had no desire to date, but our make-out session had been the most intense sexual experience of my life. We stuffed ourselves back into our pants, and I drove Cameron home. “If you want to get together again some time, call me,” said Cameron as he wrote out his number on a slip of paper. “Next time we can skip the pizza and go straight to making out.” “I might take you up on that,” I said. ✶

✶

✶

✶

I hadn’t been home half an hour when Casey called. “Well, what did you think?” she asked, without even bothering to say hello. “There is zero chance of us dating,” I said. “Why? What was wrong with Cameron?” “He is the most girly boy I’ve ever met in my life. All he talked about was choreographing some damned play, shopping, and all the people he doesn’t like. He was like a living soap opera, only worse because there was no way to shut him off. He just kept talking and talking.” “So it didn’t go well?” “Our date was a disaster.” “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You weren’t rude to him were you? He’s Sandy’s best friend.” “Am I ever rude? I even pretended to be interested in his stupid play, and believe me it wasn’t easy. I spent the whole time wanting to strangle him just so he’d shut up.” Casey laughed. “I guess it’s time to move on to number two.” “Yeah, it wasn’t all bad, though.” “Yeah?” “Well, despite the fact that we have absolutely nothing in common and I don’t like to be around him, Cameron is a nice guy and …” “What?” “We made out in my car before I took him home.” Casey laughed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “You can’t stand to be near him, but you made out with him?” “Well, he is kinda cute, face-wise, and well …” “Your hormones took over.” “Yeah.”

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“How was it?” “Amazingly hot.” “I guess the evening wasn’t a total waste, then.” “No, believe me, it wasn’t. I feel kind of bad, though.” “Why? “Well, I’m gay, so I should be accepting of those who are different, but Cameron is so girl-like. I wasn’t even entirely sure he was a guy until I put my hand down his pants.” “You put your hand down his pants?” “Yeah, we did a little more than make out.” “Details, I want details!” “We got each other off; that’s all I’m going to tell you.” “Oral sex?” “No, just hands.” “Sexy. Listen, Shawn, I wouldn’t worry so much about not being into Cameron. He’s just not your type. Aren’t there a lot of guys at school you don’t find attractive?” “Tons.” “So this is no different. You were nice to Cameron. He may be disappointed that you aren’t interested in him, but you can’t change the way you feel, now, can you?” “No.” “So don’t worry about it. Cameron will get over it, and maybe he’s not interested in dating you, either.” “We might get together again.” “I thought you said you had no interest in dating him.” “I did, but if we get together again we’re skipping the date and going straight to making out.” Casey laughed again. “It’s going to be interesting to see what happens when you meet a boy you find attractive.” “Just stand back and you won’t get hurt,” I said. “Hey, I need to get going. I just wanted to see how your date went.” “Okay. I think I’m going to listen to some music.” “Goodnight, Shawn.” “Good night, Casey.”

Christmas Vacation 1981: December 23 (Wednesday)— January 4 (Monday)

Brendan

“I wish you guys were going to be here for Christmas,” said Dave, hugging me goodbye. “We’ll be back just a few days after Christmas. Just think, you’ll get to have Christmas when it’s over for everyone else! Plus, you get to open some presents on Christmas, so it’s like having two Christmas Days.” Dave grinned. Casper and I said our goodbyes to the whole crew, climbed in the car and headed for Kentucky. It was our first trip back since we ran away on that frightful night that now seemed so long ago. I didn’t think of it as returning home, because Pigeon Crossing wasn’t our home anymore. It had ceased to be my home the night my parents had me forcibly removed from my bedroom and carted away to the Cloverdale Center by ambulance. “It will be okay, Brendan,” said Casper, taking my hand. “Things are different now.” “Being eighteen does have its advantages,” I said. “You know, you don’t have to do this if it’s going to be too hard on you.” “I know, but I feel I have to face my parents. I feel a little like a coward for having run away.” “Brendan, it wasn’t cowardly to run away from the Cloverdale Center. They tortured you in there. There’s no other way to say it. I think you were quite brave and daring to make your escape like that. That was like something out of a movie.”

- 54 -

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I laughed. “Nah, in a movie there would’ve been guards shooting at us with machine guns, searchlights, electrified fences, some hand- to-hand combat, a car chase, and probably an explosion.” “Well, you were brave anyway, even without an explosion and all that. If you’d been caught …” Casper looked as if he was about to cry. “I wasn’t,” I said. “All that’s over and done with. I’m eighteen and my parents have no control over me. Even if they did still have power over me, they couldn’t put me back in the Cloverdale Center, thanks to your brother.” “I still can’t believe he burned it down,” said Casper, grinning. “It does seem to make sparing his life the night we escaped from Pigeon Crossing worthwhile, doesn’t it?” “Yeah, I guess it goes to show you never know what someone may do in the future.” “You know, your brother is a little like Gollum in The Lord of the Rings. “Now why does it not surprise me you’ve found a way to compare this to something in Middle Earth?” I grinned. J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings books were my favorites. I’d read them over and over. “As I was saying! Frodo told Gandalf it was a pity someone hadn’t killed Gollum because he was such a vile creature, and Gandalf told him it was pity: pity and mercy. He believed Gollum had some part to play before the end, for good or evil. Gandalf was right. Things would’ve ended quite differently without Gollum. Things have changed because of Jason, too. He was a vile creature, but we showed him pity and mercy, and look what happened. We could have just left him lying there to die, but we called an ambulance for him, even though the delay could’ve been disastrous for us. No one could have foreseen that he would burn the Cloverdale Center to the ground, but he did it. If we hadn’t helped him, that accursed place would still be in operation.” “I wonder where Jason is now,” said Casper. “He could be anywhere. I wouldn’t worry about him too much, Casper. He said he was with that friend of his. Ike, wasn’t it? He made it sound as though Ike had connections to help them out, and, anyway, Jason can take care of himself. Look what he did to the Cloverdale Center.” “True,” said Casper. “I’d just feel better if I knew he was okay. It’s funny, isn’t it? Just when he seems to have changed, he disappears. There was a time I couldn’t have cared less about him because of all he did to me, but now I wish he was back in my life.”

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“I guess the Cloverdale Center accomplished one good thing. It showed Jason how horrible he’d been to you.” “Yeah. I still can’t believe places like that exist. How can anyone even think that shock therapy, drugs, and all that can change sexual orientation?” “Some people are ignorant enough, scared enough, or foolish enough to believe anything, Casper. That’s how evil dictators like Adolph Hitler come to power.” “And Ronald Reagan?” “Casper, I don’t think Reagan is on a par with Hitler.” “Well, he tried to classify catsup as a vegetable so kids wouldn’t have to be given as much to eat at school! That used to be all the food I got!” “I know, Babe, and it was a petty, greedy thing to propose, but still it’s hardly on the same level as the holocaust.” “He’s ruining the country,” said Casper. “When did you get so political?” “I’m not; he just ticks me off!” I suppressed the smile that wanted to form on my lips. “Oh, did I tell you another place like the Cloverdale Center has burned down?” “No, where?” asked Casper. “Somewhere in Illinois. I don’t know what it was called, but it burned to the ground, and arson was suspected.” “When did this happen?” “Just last week.” “Do you think Jason did it?” “Well, destroying places like the Cloverdale Center seemed to be his intent based on his last letter.” “I bet it was him. Damn, my brother is like Robin Hood now. Well, sort of; he’s an outlaw combating evil.” “He’s just evil enough himself to do it, too,” I said. “I hope they never catch him.” “Me, too. As far as I know, no one knows he was responsible for what happened to the Cloverdale Center—well, no one but us and the guys.” “It’s going to stay that way, too. I’m glad I burned that letter.” “Yeah. Jason deserves to pay for a lot of things he’s done, but that’s not one of them.” We both grew quiet as we sped down the highway, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

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“I can’t wait to see Stacey again!” said Casper after some fifteen minutes of silence. “I can’t wait to see Brad. I owe him my life and quite a bit of money.” “Well, you can pay him back the money at least.” I patted my pocket. “I’ve got that right here. I want to do more for him, though. I don’t know what, but I want to be there for him when he needs me.” “So how long is this trip going to take?” asked Casper. “I’m not sure, but I figure it will take us six hours just to reach Kentucky, and then we’re looking at maybe another three. We may want to stop and get a hotel room for the night somewhere.” “Yeah, nine hours is a lot of time to be in a car.” “True, and it could be longer. I’m not sure. I’ve never made this drive before.” Snow covered the ground in Verona, but as we drove farther south there was less and less of the cold white fluff on the ground until it disappeared completely. Casper fiddled with the radio until he found a station playing Christmas music. The sound system in our car was awesome! The miles slipped by, and my butt grew tired. We stopped at a Burger King somewhere for a bathroom break and then a little west of Indy at a rest stop just off I-70. Casper nodded off just before we reached a town called Cloverdale. My chest grew tight as I read the name, but this Cloverdale wasn’t related to the now-destroyed Cloverdale Center down in Kentucky. It was actually quite a pleasant little town. I had no intention of holding its name against it in any case. Our route became hilly, quite a contrast to the flat glacier-scraped plains of northern Indiana. There were some seriously steep hills as we neared Spencer. I felt like I was already back in Kentucky again, even though our destination was still hours away. I drove on, letting Casper sleep. I looked over at him now and then. I loved that boy so much it hurt sometimes. The miles slipped by. I drove and let my mind wander. I gazed at the scenery and wondered what lay ahead. After a good, long time, Casper finally awakened. “It’s about time you woke up, sleeping beauty.” “Where are we?” he asked, stretching and yawning. “We’re almost to Washington. We need to stop soon. I’ve got to get out and stretch my legs. I’m not used to all this driving.” “How long have we been on the road?” asked Casper. “More than four hours since we left Verona.” “I’m getting hungry again.” Just then we passed a sign that read, “Purity 15 miles”.

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“Hey,” said Casper, “what do you think about stopping by the Red Robin for supper? Maybe we could even spend the night in our old motel room.” I stiffened for a moment. Many of my memories of Purity were happy ones, but some were not. There was also someone in town I didn’t want to run into, but the chances of that were minimal. I looked at Casper. His face was lit up with excitement. “I am getting tired, and hungry, and it would be good to see Alec again.” “Yeah, maybe Susie still works there, too. Let’s go. Okay, Brendan?” “Sure, Casper, anything you want.” We drove through Washington and on toward Purity. It wasn’t long at all before we were back in what, for a time at least, had been our hometown. I pulled the car right up in front of the Red Robin Diner, and we stepped onto familiar turf. The bell rang as we entered the front door. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” said Susie, rushing toward us to give first Casper and then me a hug. “Alec! Look who’s here!” Alec came out from behind the counter and clasped both of us in a bear hug. “I haven’t seen you boys in ages. What have you been up to?” “That’s a very long story,” I said. “Give me the short version then.” “Well, we live on a farm now, and life is good.” “That is the short version!” said Alec. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well, though.” “Things haven’t been better in a long time,” I said. “Good. Good. You boys take a seat. I have to get back to work. You know how these customers can be!” We took a seat at a table along the wall, and Susie brought us menus. I hadn’t been in the Red Robin for months, but I felt as if I’d just left it. Casper and I had worked there for weeks during our flight to freedom. Without that old diner, we might’ve starved to death. “It looks just like it did when we left,” said Casper. “Yeah, and it’s decorated for Christmas, just like when we arrived.” “I really liked working here,” said Casper. “Yeah, me, too, but I’m happier on the farm.” “Yeah.” Susie returned with glasses of ice water. “You boys know what you want, or would you like some more time?” “I’m ready if you are,” I said to Casper.

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“I’d like blueberry pancakes, bacon, and iced tea,” said Casper. “I think chicken strips, French fries, and a Coke for me,” I said. “Okay, it’ll be right up.” “Thanks, Susie.” Before we knew it, Susie was setting down steaming plates in front of us. My chicken strips were delicious, but I was sorely tempted by Casper’s blueberry pancakes and bacon. I thought I might just have to have some in the morning before we continued our journey. The Red Robin wasn’t busy, so Susie pulled up a chair and chatted with us as we ate. I’d always liked Susie. I think she’d suspected we were a couple even when we were working in the Red Robin, and I always had the feeling that was fine by her. Alec joined us for a few moments now and then, too. I was glad we’d taken the time to stop in Purity. I wouldn’t have come up with the idea on my own, but I couldn’t resist those puppy-dog eyes of Casper. That boy had me wrapped around his little finger. After supper, we drove to the little motel on the edge of town that had once been our home. As we passed Driskle’s Department Store, Casper pointed and said, “Remember last Christmas when we ended up buying each other the exact same coat?” “Great minds think alike,” I said. At the motel, I was able to get the same room we’d lived in the winter before. Purity was hardly a big vacation destination, after all. Casper and I pulled our bags from the trunk and walked inside. “It’s not what I’d call fancy,” said Casper, “but I’ve kind of missed this place.” “Me, too, although I wouldn’t trade our room in the farmhouse for it.” “Me, neither.” “Our lives are so much better now than they were when we lived here,” I said. “Isn’t that the truth?” “Some of it was fun, though, wasn’t it? I’m not saying I want to do it again, but it wasn’t all bad.” “Some of it was a blast! You know, even the hard times weren’t so very bad, because I was with you, Brendan. You’ve always made me feel safe. Even when things were at their worst, I never lost hope.” “I feel safe with you, too, Casper.” “Why? You know I’m puny.” “You aren’t puny, and I’m talking about a lot more than physical strength. I know you’ll be there for me, no matter what, just like I’ll be there for you.”

Brendan

60

“Come here and kiss me, Brendan.” I smiled. I walked to Casper, took him in my arms, and kissed him. We sank onto the bed and made love until we fell asleep. We awakened early the next morning. Our strenuous activity of the evening before had knocked us out immediately after, so we ended up getting to sleep much earlier than usual. We packed our things, checked out of our motel, and headed back to the Red Robin for breakfast. I ordered blueberry pancakes and bacon. Casper opted for a western omelet. A waitress we didn’t recognize was working the morning shift, but Alec was there. He was swamped with orders during the morning rush, which I remembered all too well, but he still took the time to greet us. I always remembered Alec fondly. He gave Casper and me jobs when we needed them desperately. Because of him, we’d been able to rent our little motel room and eat. It was something I’d never forget. An hour later we were on the road again. I’d enjoyed our brief visit to Purity, but I was glad to put it behind us. Another hour saw us over the Ohio River. We’d entered Kentucky at last. We stopped at the Farmer’s Daughter in Henderson for a bathroom break. The restroom at the Farmer’s Daughter looked like the inside of a short silo built of stone. When I entered, the door just cleared the circular wall and made me feel like I was going through a tunnel. It was kind of cool. We weren’t hungry yet, of course, so we just ordered soft drinks to go. “This is kind of counterproductive, isn’t it?” asked Casper as we climbed back into the Cutlass with our drinks. “What do you mean?” “Well, we stopped to pee, and then we buy drinks. Aren’t we just recreating the same problem?” Casper laughed and so did I. “You definitely make traveling fun.” “Even when I’m being a dork?” “Especially when you’re being a dork.” We left Henderson and continued south. Soon we were on the Kentucky Parkway. “Kentucky sure has better highways than Indiana,” said Casper. “That’s for sure, but I don’t plan on moving back.” “Me, either. I wonder where we’ll end up?” “Who knows? One thing is for certain, wherever we do end up, we’ll be together.”

Brendan

61

We drove on, farther and farther south, until at last we passed a sign that read, “Welcome to Pigeon Crossing.” I felt anything but welcome, however. Butterflies took flight in my stomach, and I wondered if our homecoming was such a good idea after all. Casper took my hand and squeezed it gently, just as he had at the beginning of our trip. “It’s going to be okay, Brendan.” I smiled at him and hoped he was right.

Dane

“Hey, Shawn, come on in,” I said. I nervously wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. Shawn and I had written each other a few times, but it was the first time I’d seen him since I left Verona. After all that had happened, I was still amazed that Shawn didn’t hate me. He drove all this way to see you. Don’t be stupid, Dane, I thought to myself. Mom and Dad hurried out of the kitchen. Mom hugged Shawn, and Dad shook his hand and thanked him all over again for saving me. Shawn was their hero—and mine, too, for that matter. Shawn saved my life back in Verona. If it wasn’t for him, I was almost positive I’d be dead. For a time, I’d been employed as a grave-robber. Yeah, that’s right—a grave robber. Don’t ask. It’s a long story, but suffice it to say that running away usually isn’t a good idea. My employer, Boothe, was always kind of jerk, but one night he was worse than usual. Long story short, if it’s not already too late for that, Boothe got rough with me and tried to rape me. I’m almost certain he was going to kill me when he was finished. He no more than got started when Shawn came along and saved my ass. I grinned. Shawn was turning pink. He couldn’t take the praise my parents heaped upon him. My mom even asked if he’d send her a photo she could place on the mantel. “Hey, Shawn and I need to get going. We’ve got lots to do. We’re going out for lunch, and then I have tons of stuff to show him.” Mom hugged Shawn yet again, and the praise continued to rain down until we made it out the front door. I noted that Mom and Dad didn’t hesitate for a second to entrust me to Shawn’s care. - 62 -

Dane

63

“Thanks for rescuing me,” said Shawn as I shut the car door. “I’m sorry about that, but that’s what you get for saving my ass.” “I’m just worried they’re going to put a statue of me in your front yard.” “Don’t give them any ideas. Hey, are you hungry yet?” I asked, as we pulled out of the drive. “Not just yet,” said Shawn. “Me, either. Let’s go to the park so we can talk.” “You give the directions, and I’ll do the driving.” It wasn’t long before we were parked in the Marmont town park, which is actually located just a bit out of town. It was large and grassy with a lot of huge, ancient trees, mainly oaks, but with a mix of maple, pine, tulip, sycamore, and persimmon thrown in. The leaves of the oaks were brown and rustled in the breeze. The other trees were bare, except for the pines, of course, and the grass was peeking out from underneath a light blanket of snow. We dusted off the benches of a picnic table and took a seat. I shivered slightly, but the cold was bearable. “There are baseball and soccer fields over on the other side of the park, and tennis courts, too, but I like this part best,” I said. “Sometimes I come here just to think. I’ve been kind of afraid to come here alone, though, after what happened.” “With Boothe, you mean?” “Yeah. Mom and Dad said I could talk to a therapist about it, but I don’t want to. I can’t tell some stranger about that! It’s humiliating that my Mom and Dad know, although I didn’t exactly provide them with details.” “I imagine you wouldn’t. If you want to talk, Dane, I’m here for you. Us gay boys have to stick together.” “I’m still amazed you feel that way. I don’t know if I could be so forgiving.” “Well, when you think about it, Dane, you didn’t do that much to me. You thought about it, you planned to do it, but you didn’t quite get to it.” “I did some.” “Well, yeah, but at least you stopped it before it went very far.” “But I was planning to get you again and go through with it.” “Yeah, but maybe you wouldn’t have done so when it came right down to it. You couldn’t go through with it the first time, so maybe you couldn’t have forced me to have sex with you the second time, either.” “Maybe.” “The point is, we’ll never know. What you planned to do doesn’t matter because you didn’t do it. It makes no sense to dwell on something you thought about doing.”

Dane

64

“I don’t think I realized how horrible I was being until Boothe … well, you know. It hurt worse than anything, and I was so scared.” “Dane, it’s over. I know what happened to you was truly terrible, but you’re safe now. Boothe is gone. You live with your mom and dad, and they won’t let anyone hurt you.” “I know what you’re saying is true, but Boothe’s not gone, at least not for me. For me, he’s still here. I’m always afraid he’s going to come and get me and, if not him, someone like him. I don’t like being alone outside of my own room, and sometimes I’m afraid even there. I don’t mean I’m afraid all the time, but a lot of the time, and it’s … scary.” “I’m so sorry, Dane. I can’t truthfully say I truly understand, but I understand a little, at least. I think I’d feel the same way if I was you.” “I thought he was going to kill me. Part of me wanted him to, part of me wishes he had, because dying would’ve been easier in a way. I feel so dirty and nasty sometimes.” “Dane, you’re not dirty. You’re not nasty. You didn’t ask for what happened to you.” “That much at least is true. Boothe was attractive in his way, but he was such an asshole that I didn’t want him. I never flirted with him or even looked at him with interest, so, no, I didn’t ask for it. I think maybe I brought it on myself, though.” “Dane, no …” “Let me finish. I think I might have brought it on myself because Boothe did to me exactly what I meant to do to you. Well, not exactly, but I meant to make you do what I wanted, so maybe the universe decided to teach me a lesson.” “I don’t know, Dane—maybe, maybe not.” “Well, whether it was intended as one or not, I learned a lesson. I only thought of what I was doing from my point of view. I never thought about the person being forced. To be lying there, with someone hurting you, and not being able to stop them, it just … it made me feel so powerless. Boothe turned me into an object, a toy for his amusement. I meant nothing to him. He didn’t care if he hurt me. He wanted to hurt me. I realized even while it was happening that what he was doing was what I’d planned for you. The sheer terror of it was something I don’t think anyone can imagine who hasn’t been through it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” “At least some good came of it, then; not that I’m saying what happened to you was a good thing.”

Dane

65

“It changed me. I might have turned into a cruel, sadistic asshole like Boothe if he hadn’t raped me.” “I don’t know about that,” said Shawn. “You had a conscience, even at your worst. He didn’t.” “I guess we’ll never know, huh?” “No. I think the best thing for you is to take the lesson you learned to heart, but try to put what happened behind you.” “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put it behind me,” I said, staring off into the distance. “They say time heals all wounds. I know it’s corny of me to be reciting a platitude, but maybe it’s right. Maybe the passing of time will make it better.” “I sure hope so.” I let out a long breath. “Let’s talk about something less heavy. It’s good to see you.” “It’s good to see you, too, Dane. So, tell me about this Billy Holmes you’re so hot for.” I frowned. I almost felt like crying. “Things were going pretty well with Billy for a while. I finally got the courage to approach him, and we’ve become friends.” “But?” “He has a girlfriend. He’s started dating Rue Dexter. It totally sucks. I’ve had a serious crush on Billy for the longest time, but I was always too afraid to approach him. I don’t mean putting the moves on him, either. I just mean I was too scared to go up and talk to him. I could never get myself to do more than say ‘hi’ or smile at him or say something stupid like, ‘Sure is hot out.’ “After I came back from Verona, though, I screwed up my courage and walked over to his house. He was playing basketball and asked me if I wanted to play. That just about made me walk on air right there. I mean, to be that close to Billy Holmes! Wow! He’s so good looking—blond hair, blue eyes, hard muscles, and the cutest little ass, mmm.” “Damn, you’re getting me excited,” said Shawn. “He really sounds like something.” “You should see him without a shirt, yum. But anyway, we’ve become good friends, and that’s cool, but now … well, let’s just say I haven’t been feeling so hot. I could never figure out if he was gay or not, but I guess that question has been answered for me. He wouldn’t be dating Rue if he was into guys.” “Not necessarily, Dane. I’m dating Casey.” “Yeah, but she’s a lesbian.”

Dane

66

“Almost no one knows that, though. Just about everyone thinks Casey and I are a heterosexual couple. If you didn’t know us and saw us together, you’d assume I was straight, but you’d be so wrong. There’s a chance Billy is hiding something.” “Yeah, but it’s not a very good chance, is it? Being his friend is awesome, but it kind of makes the whole thing harder. We have loads of fun, but when I’m with him I can’t help but think of him in that way. Even before Rue entered the picture I didn’t want to take the chance of ruining our friendship by putting the moves on him, you know what I mean? And now it just seems even more foolish. I don’t want just sex from him, either. I’m talking boyfriend—holding hands, romantic walks in the moonlight, talking on the phone, writing his name in my notebook with a little heart around it, the whole nine yards. If I just wanted sex it wouldn’t be nearly as difficult, but … I feel like I’m in love with him.” I grew silent and looked out over the park. Finally, I turned and looked back at Shawn. “How can you tell if you’re in love?” I asked. “I’m afraid I can’t help you there. I’ve never been in love. I think when it happens, you just know.” “I’m kind of in a fix. On the one hand, everything with Billy is so cool, but on the other, I’ve got him dangling in front of me constantly, and I can’t have him. It’s like, I dunno, starving while your face is pressed up against the glass of a supermarket or Burger King or wherever—or like that Greek dude who’s dying of thirst, chin deep in water, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t reach it.” “I wish I could help you, but I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. I guess I’d just try to enjoy his friendship and watch for signs that he might be interested in guys. The best advice I can give you is to look at the glass as if it’s half full, instead of half empty. True, you want Billy more than anything else, and, right now at least, you can’t have him, but you are friends, and you get to have a lot of good times with him. You should enjoy those good times and think of it as having at least some of what you want with him. It’s a whole lot better than nothing.” “Yeah, you’re right. I just wish … Well, there’s no point into going into all that again.” “I don’t have my sights set on anyone like Billy, but I know what it’s like to be lonely. I know what it’s like to need someone and to have no one. Sure, I have friends, but it’s not the same, you know? Things seem kind of hopeless for me now, too, but hopefully we both end up with someone.”

Dane

67

We sat there in silence for a few moments as a gentle breeze began to blow. My ears began to go a bit numb, and my stomach rumbled. “Okay, now I’m getting hungry,” I said. “I’m getting kind of cold,” said Shawn. “Where’s a good place to eat around here? I’m buying you lunch.” “The Rose Café, but I’m buying you lunch. You saved my life remember, so no arguments!” Shawn held up his hands in surrender. We climbed back in the car. Shawn turned up the heater full blast, and we reveled in the warmth. Shawn had no trouble following my directions to the café in downtown Marmont. We parked just down the street and walked past the old-fashioned grocery and the flower shop before reaching the tiny café with a large red rose and the words The Rose Café Established 1977 painted on the window. There were only about eight small, round tables inside. The Rose Café was the smallest restaurant around. In the summer months, there were a couple of tables outside, but even with them, the café had a capacity of two dozen at most. Our table was roomy enough for two, but would’ve been crowded with three. The café was well named. The interior was done up in reds with some lighter rose shades that never quite made it all the way to pink. There was a single rose on each table in a short, round bowl. Ours was yellow with pink edges. There were antique prints of roses on the walls, and the whole place was quite beautiful. It stopped short of being frilly, however, and oddly enough it had a decidedly masculine feel. I was willing to bet Shawn wondered why I suggested going to someplace called The Rose Café when I was so deeply in the closet. Stereotypes being what they were, the café sounded like just the kind of place straight boys wouldn’t be caught dead in, unless dragged there against their will by a girlfriend. The café was frequented by about everyone in town, however, including the straight boys. As we took our seats, a couple of old ladies sat drinking tea at one table, while at another sat a couple of fishermen bullshitting over their greatest catches. The Rose Café was one of those places where everyone felt at home. The menu wasn’t large, but the Rose Café had a good selection of sandwiches, everything from fancy cucumber sandwiches to old-fashioned hamburgers. Shawn ordered a double-cheeseburger and fries. I ordered a B.L.T. with salad dressing, curly fries, and a Coke. “This is a nice place,” said Shawn. “It’s not what I was expecting.” “You thought it was going to be girly, didn’t you?” “Yeah.” We spoke quietly, so the other customers couldn’t overhear.

Dane

68

“I know I’m supposed to be girly, but I’m just not into the stuff,” I said. “You’re not supposed to be anything, Dane, except yourself. Do I look like I’m into girly stuff? Do Brendan, Ethan, Nathan, and Casper seem like they’d be into it?” “No.” “We’re all into what we’re into. I love football, but I also think this rose on our table is really pretty.” “I wish I could hang out with all you guys more. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about things, you know?” “Yeah. You should have your parents bring you to Verona for a visit now and then. I’d ask you to come and stay with me, but my dad is, well … Let’s just say you wouldn’t want to be around him. My little brother is okay, but we share a room. It would be kind of hard to get into any deep discussions.” “Yeah, I remember overhearing you talk about your family that time I spied on you.” I turned a bit red. “Now that was an accident! I was just sitting up in a tree, and there you were, but anyway …” “Yeah. Dad has chilled out for the time being, mainly because he has no choice. Tom’s gone, of course, and that improves things at home by like a billion percent. Tim’s okay. He’s even kind of cool now. I thought he was growing up to be a miniature version of Tom, but now I think he was just scared and was putting on a bad-boy act so Tom would think he was tough and not pick on him.” “I’m glad things are better, and I can understand why it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to visit.” “Yeah. The Selbys are who you should stay with. I’m sure they’ve got an extra bedroom or two, and you can talk about pretty much anything you want there.” “Yeah, but I wasn’t exactly nice to any of those guys—well, not until after …” “Hey, things ended up okay. They all care about you, you know that. Sure, you did some things you shouldn’t have, but all that’s forgiven. Ethan and all the rest are your friends now. If you want, I could ask about you coming for a visit and staying with them. I’m over there a whole lot now, so we’d get to see each other plenty.” “That’d be cool for sure.” “I’ll ask.” “Cool.” Our lunch arrived just then, and I bit into my sandwich. It had plenty of chewy bacon. I loved the taste of bacon and tomato and the bread was even homemade. I pulled the top off and sprinkled the tomato slices with salt and pepper.

Dane

69

“This is delicious,” said Shawn after he’d taken a bite of his burger. “Yeah, they fix everything kind of special here. They make their own bread, buns, everything. You’ve got to save some room for pie. Their pies are out of this world.” “I want to come back here when I visit again.” I smiled. I was pleased Shawn was already thinking of visiting me again. “So how are things going for you? How is dating Casey working out?” I asked. “It’s perfect! I know the whole gay-boy-dating-a-girl-so-no-one-will-figure-out-he’s-gay thing has been done before, but it’s working for me. I don’t think it would work if I was lying to some girl, but since Casey knows exactly what’s up, it’s all cool. We’re really close friends, too, which makes it easy. I love going out with her. I love her, period. I don’t think you can really fake something like that. People see us together, and they totally believe we’re a straight couple.” “That’s great. I wish I could find a girl like Casey.” “Our meeting was a freak accident. My brother was about to pound me in the school parking lot because he suspected I was queer, and Casey walked up in the middle of it. She didn’t even know me, but she broke in and started acting like she was my girlfriend. She totally saved my ass.” “That’s so cool!” “Yeah, and since then we’ve become closer and closer.” We sat and ate and talked of other things. I really liked Shawn. I was powerfully attracted to him, too. I wasn’t about to mention that, though. I’d been such a beast when I was in Verona that I feared any mention of attraction would make Shawn think I had nothing on my mind but sex. I didn’t want to endanger our friendship. No, it was far better to just keep my mouth shut about my attraction to him. We finished our sandwiches and fries and progressed on to pie—apple for me, pecan for Shawn. “This just might be the best pie ever,” said Shawn. “I told you it was good!” “Marmont is really a nice little town.” “There’s not much here, but what it lacks in quantity it makes up for in quality. What it really needs is a lot more gay boys.” “I’m sure they’re here already,” said Shawn. “What Marmont needs is for the gays who live here to feel safe enough to be out. That’s what most places need.” “Do you think things will ever change?” I asked. “Yeah, but slowly, and it may be a long, painful process. There is a lot of prejudice out there and a lot of misunderstanding. Unfortunately, the bigots spread

Dane

70

misunderstanding as much as they can. The worse they make us look, the more others will be willing to let them go on abusing us.” “It’s not fair,” I said. “Life isn’t fair, Dane. If it was, most of the bad stuff that happens wouldn’t even be possible. The trick is to make the best out of it.” “Like I’m doing with Billy?” I asked. “Enjoying my friendship with him, even though I want a whole lot more?” “Exactly like that. There are a lot of people out there who will try to keep you from being happy, Dane, but if you just go on being happy anyway, you make them powerless.” “You’ve given me a lot to think about,” I said. After lunch at The Rose Café, Shawn drove us around town while I pointed out all the points of interest. The temperature was taking a decidedly downward turn. We wanted to go somewhere we could talk more, but it was too cold for the park. We ended up parked in an old abandoned driveway not too far from my home. “I really wish I lived in Verona,” I said as we sat in the car with the windows sealed tight against the cold. “Yeah, that would be cool. You aren’t too far away, but then again you’re not exactly next door, either.” “It is really cool being able to write you and all. I write Ethan and the guys, too. It’s not the same as being there, though.” “I can’t argue with that.” “I want to find a boyfriend,” I said. “I was just out for sex this summer, but now I want something more.” “Me, too. I mean, I also want a boyfriend. I wouldn’t mind some sex while I’m waiting, though. Did you … um … did you get any while you were in Verona?” “Just once. There was this waiter at The Park’s Edge, Armando.” “I’ve seen him! He’s gay?” “Definitely. I was on the prowl, so I wasn’t too subtle about checking him out, and, long story made short, he gave me his number, and we got it on in his car.” “What was it like?” asked Shawn. He sounded almost jealous. The idea of Shawn, the football jock, being jealous of me just about made me laugh. “It was intense and wonderful. Nothing had ever made me feel that good before. I could’ve died right then and been happy.” If I wasn’t mistaken Shawn was starting to breathe a little harder. “But you guys never did it again?”

Dane

71

“No, I wanted to, but he didn’t. He avoided me after that, and when I finally got him on the phone, he more or less told me to get lost. It hurt. I thought being with him was the most awesome thing ever, and he seemed totally into it, too, but then he didn’t want to do it again.” “Damn, I’m sorry, Dane.” “I’m not sorry we did it, but I guess I was just naïve. I thought there’d be more. I didn’t expect Armando to be my boyfriend, but I did think it would be more than just a one-time thing.” I looked into Shawn’s dark eyes. He was incredibly hot. I remembered what he looked like without a shirt, and I felt like I was going to burst into flames with lust. I’d been trying hard not to think sexual thoughts about him, but I wanted him bad. I ran my eyes up and down his body. Shawn reached out and put his hand on my knee. I didn’t know if he was making a move on me or not, but I sure hoped so. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances and that you went to my school,” I said. “If things were different between us, and you lived close …” I glanced at Shawn, fearful I was saying too much, but he grinned at me. “Yeah, I’ve had those thoughts, too. If you lived closer, or even if you could drive … but I guess there’s not much use in thinking about it, because things are like they are and not like we want them to be.” “Yeah, it’s too bad,” I said. Shawn’s hand was still on my knee. I wanted him to run his hand up my leg and touch me in the worst way. “You’re really sexy,” said Shawn. I looked into Shawn’s eyes and read both fear and lust there. I smiled at him as I fought to control my racing heart. Shawn ran his hand up and down my leg as we sat there looking at each other, his words hanging in the air, an invitation I both wanted and feared to accept. I wanted Shawn more than anything else at that moment, but I feared he would think I hadn’t changed, that I was the same old Dane out for nothing but sex. I ached with need. If Shawn looked down he was going to see how excited I’d become. Shawn leaned toward me and licked his lips. I was drawn to him as if by an irresistible force. We inched closer until our faces were mere inches from each other. “If you don’t stop me, I’m going to kiss you,” said Shawn. “I’m not going to stop you.” “Are you sure you want this?” I nodded. My breath was coming so fast and hard I didn’t know if I could speak.

Dane

72

Shawn leaned closer, pressed his lips to mine, and kissed me. We tasted each other, parting our mouths ever so slightly. We maintained our kiss for several long, delicious moments and then leaned back. Shawn’s breath was coming harder now, too. We sat there gazing into each other’s eyes for a few moments, and then we attacked each other. There’s no other way to describe it. One moment all was still, the only sound our ragged breath, the next our bodies and tongues were entwined. Somehow we wiggled into the back seat without our bodies parting. We tore at each other’s clothing until we were naked. I found myself under Shawn. He rubbed himself against me as we made out. His body was so smooth and firm. The muscles of his chest pressed against me. Our hands were everywhere as we squirmed around. I’d never been so aroused before. I ended up on top after a few minutes of intense groping and making out. I couldn’t wait a moment longer. I lowered my face to Shawn’s crotch and drew him in. What followed was the most intense experience of my life—hot, sweaty, sticky sex, the kind I’d dreamed about. I’d never felt anything so incredible in all my years. Sometime later, I have no idea how long, we lay in the back seat, both of us facing the roof, me on top of Shawn with his arms around me. Our passion was spent, but our breaths still came hard and fast. “Wow!” was all I could find to say. We climbed out of the car and scurried to get dressed. The cold December air made goose bumps on our skin. Once clothed, we dove back into the car. Shawn started her up and blasted us with the heater. Our eyes met across the seat, and we kissed again. We both smiled, but then I grew worried. “You’re okay with what we just did, right?” I asked. “I mean, you wanted it. I didn’t …” “I more than wanted it, Dane. I burned for it.” “I’m just worried that … Well, the last time something happened between us, or almost happened …” “This is completely different, Dane, and in case you didn’t notice, I was the aggressor. If I didn’t want you, I wouldn’t have put the moves on you.” “I’m glad you did.” I giggled. “So am I. I can’t tell you how much I needed that.” “Me, too. I feel so relaxed now.” Shawn laughed.

Dane

73

“It was nice,” I said. “I mean nice in the best possible way, not as in it was nice but not great. It was intense and incredible, but it was more than that. It made me feel … I dunno. It was just nice is all.” “I know what you mean,” said Shawn. Shawn took me home. We said nothing on the way there. I don’t think either of us wanted to ruin the moment. We weren’t boyfriends, but we’d shared something special. Some might say that what had happened between us was just sex, but there was something more there. We weren’t in love with each other; we weren’t going to start a serious relationship, but we’d shared something, and it was a hundred times more wonderful than it had been with Armando. Shawn pulled the car to a stop in our drive. I looked to make sure no one was looking, then kissed him on the lips. I smiled at him, and then we said goodbye. Thanks to Shawn’s visit, I felt a lot better about everything.

Shawn

My date with Cameron hadn’t gone all that well, but I was once again eager to give the search for a boyfriend a try. My experience with Dane had whetted my appetite not only sex, but for a relationship, too. Blake York was next on my list and would’ve been my first choice had Sandy not specifically requested I go out with Cameron. Blake was the only boy I knew on the list. Well, I didn’t know him, but I knew who he was, and he was hot! I picked up the phone half a dozen times before I actually called him. I was so nervous my palms were sweaty. It was stupid to be so nervous. Sandy had told all the boys on the list that I might be calling them sometime. She didn’t tell them who I was, just that a good looking gay boy in a nearby town might be contacting them. “Hello?” I froze for a moment at the sound of Blake’s voice. It was decidedly masculine—so far so good. “Hey, this is Shawn. I’m a friend of Sandy’s.” “Oh yeah? So you’re the dude she said might call?” “Yep, that’s me.” “Cool. She wouldn’t tell me much about you, only that you lived somewhere near and were good looking. I pressed her for details, but she wouldn’t budge.” “Yeah, I’m a little paranoid about being outed.” “I know what you mean, dude. I was a little freaked when she told me she knew I was gay, but she’s cool.”

- 74 -

Shawn

75

A few moments of awkward silence followed during which my mind went blank and I couldn’t think of anything to say. “So … what do you look like, man?” asked Blake, finally. “Well, I’m 6'1", 180 pounds, muscular, with brown hair and eyes.” “Sounds cool. I’m …” “I know what you look like.” “You do?” “Yeah, you’re on the Plymouth football team. I’ve played against you.” “Really? So you’re a football player, huh?” “Yeah. I play for Verona High School.” I swallowed hard. Revealing so much about myself was frightening, even though I knew my secret was safe with Blake. I was so nervous I was shaking, and Blake’s voice sounded unsteady, too. The phone conversation wasn’t easy on either of us, but desperate times call for desperate measures. “So that’s where you’re from. There are some real hotties on that team. I’d love to get it on with just about any of them,” said Blake. “Uh, yeah, there are some hot guys on the team.” “So what’s your name?” “Shawn, Shawn Myer.” “Hmm, your name isn’t immediately familiar, but then I’m bad with names and don’t really know any of the V.H.S. guys. I do remember your quarterback, Brendan. He’s fucking hot!” “He sure is, but he’s taken. He has a boyfriend.” “So the rumors are true, then? He’s gay?” “Oh, yeah.” “Damn, what I wouldn’t do with him!” “Well, you’re out of luck. He’s head over heels in love with his boyfriend.” “That sucks. What’s he doing hooking up with just one dude? A guy like that could play the field so easy, considering that he’s out.” “That’s how he likes it,” I said. “So … you want to go out sometime?” asked Blake. “Sure, that’s why I called.” “I wish we could tonight, but I’ve been roped into babysitting. I’d have you over here, but my little brothers and sisters are total spies. We couldn’t do anything.” “Tomorrow night?” “Nope, can’t. Um, let me think. The first night I’ve got open is Thursday. How’s that for you?”

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“Thursday will work,” I said. “Okay, cool. Why don’t we meet at the Burger King here in Plymouth. That cool with you?” “Sure, about six?” “Yeah, man, that will be cool.” “All right. I’ll see you then.” “Okay, man. Listen, I gotta run.” “Later.” “Later.” I hung up the phone, both excited and a bit cautious about my upcoming date with Blake. Our short conversation had given me the impression he was more interested in getting off than in finding a boyfriend. Sex with Blake would undoubtedly be hot, but I was looking for more than that. Maybe I was wrong about him, though, and it’s not like a sex buddy would be a bad thing, either. Maybe Blake and I could fool around until I found someone to date. I sat there considering the situation for several moments and once again picked up the list. It was Monday and Thursday was days away. There was no reason I couldn’t try out one of the other guys on my short list. Calling up guys I didn’t know made me anxious, so why not get it out of the way? Besides, the sooner I met these guys, the sooner I’d know if my future boyfriend was among them. I picked up the phone and dialed Riley DeCoteau. Two hours later I was sitting across from Riley in the Plymouth McDonald’s. Riley was a bit younger than I was expecting—he was fifteen—and he acted more like he was twelve. It was most definitely not a turn-on. I appreciated Sandy’s efforts on my behalf, but I wished she would have checked out the guys a little more thoroughly. Riley could best be described with one word: immature. The end of the paper covering Riley’s straw bounced off my head, and he laughed; worse, he giggled like a girl. I don’t mean he was feminine like Cameron, just that he giggled like a girl would. Next, he stuck two straws up his nose. This wasn’t a date; this was babysitting. “So, do you play any sports?” I asked. I could think of nothing better to say. “I do track! You play football, right? I’ve seen your picture in the paper.” “Yeah.” I tried to enjoy my Big Mac, but my disappointment made it difficult. I’d come hoping to find a potential boyfriend, and instead I’d found a kid. Riley said he was fifteen, but I wasn’t entirely sure it was true. He looked more like fourteen, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to discover he was thirteen. I feared that

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sex with him might be a felony, not that I was too worried about it, as there would be no sex. It just wasn’t going to happen. Riley didn’t do anything for me. Riley was cute in his way, but he was just too boy-like—as in little boy. He was about 5'10" and probably weighed 150, but he gave off this child aura. I just wasn’t interested in him. I felt like I should pat him on the head, give him a cookie, and send him home to his mommy. Whatever age he was, Riley needed to grow up considerably before he could be anyone’s boyfriend. Our meal was mercifully short, and Riley asked me to drive him home. I was tempted to ask him why he hadn’t ridden his tricycle, but I bit my tongue. “You are really hot, dude,” said Riley as we were pulling away from McDonald’s. “Um, thanks. You’re cute.” “Thanks! So … what do you wanna do?” “I think I’d better just take you home.” “Don’t you wanna make out or something?” “I don’t think that’s a wise idea.” “Why?” “You’re just … too young for me.” “I’m not talking about having sex, dude, just making out. I haven’t had sex yet.” That was a relief. “But if you wanna … Well, you’re hot!” Riley scooted closer to me and looked down at my pants. “Can I feel it?” “No.” “Come on!” “No!” “Take it out and show it to me.” “Forget it. It’s not going to happen.” “Dude, you are no fun at all.” And you’re a child, I thought to myself. “You sure you don’t want to make out?” “I appreciate the offer, but I just wouldn’t feel right about it.” “Suit yourself, dude. Hey, do you play tetherball?” asked Riley excitedly. He was off the subject of making out just like that. It was a relief, but also further evidence of his lack of maturity. “Not since grade school,” I said. “Oh, that sucks, dude.”

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We talked more on the way to his house, which mercifully wasn’t far. I was glad to get Riley out of my car. I shook my head as I drove away. So far I was striking out. I’d met a flamer and an infant. It made me fear who I might meet next. Blake had to be an improvement. At least I knew he was masculine and not jailbait. My first two dates made me feel less than confident. Wasn’t there anyone out there I could date? ✶

✶

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On Thursday evening, I drove toward Plymouth with mixed emotions. I eagerly anticipated my time with Blake, yet the failure of my first two dates made me a little gun-shy. I did my best to push Cameron and Riley out of my mind. Surely Plymouth had at least one decent guy to offer. At least I knew a little something about Blake going in. He definitely wasn’t feminine, nor was he an immature child, and he was unquestionably hot. As far as masculinity and appearance, he was just my type. Of course, that left personality and some other major factors wide open. He seemed cool enough on the phone, but I couldn’t form an accurate opinion of him based on a five-minute conversation. He could turn out to be a total dick. There was also the matter of shared interests. He was into football, which was a major plus, but did we like the same music, the same movies, and the same toppings on our pizza? While I’d heard that opposites attract, I wasn’t sure I bought it. What if Blake had a secret love for show tunes like Cameron did, or worse, what if he was into country music? Eww! I put my doubts aside as I pulled into the Burger King parking lot. At least Blake had good taste when it came to restaurants. Burger King was my number-one favorite for fast food. I parked my beat-up Cutlass next to a bitchin’ red Camaro. Now there was the kind of car I wanted to drive. I opened my door, stood, and was greeted by Blake as he stepped out of the very car I’d been admiring. Bonus point to Blake for his taste in cars. “I remember you now,” said Blake as he walked toward me. “I wanted to tackle you.” “You were across from me in the lineup?” “Who said I was talking about football?” Blake looked me over and then raised his eyebrows. “Let’s get something to eat. My mom won’t leave for work for another hour, so we have some time to kill.”

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We walked into Burger King together. I ordered two Whoppers, a large fries, and a Coke while Blake ordered two Whoppers, two large fries, onion rings, and a Coke. In minutes we were seated in a booth well away from the handful of other customers. “So what are you into?” asked Blake as he bit into a Whopper. “Into?” “Sexually. Oral, anal, what?” “Um, I’m not very experienced.” Damn, this guy got right into it. So much for a romantic relationship. “So you’re a virgin?” “No.” “Are you a top or a bottom?” “Um, I don’t know.” “I thought you said you weren’t a virgin.” “I’m not, but I haven’t done … that.” “Then you’re a virgin.” “It depends on your definition I guess.” Our date wasn’t going at all as I’d planned, but it definitely wasn’t boring. I felt my face growing a bit hot, and I hoped I wasn’t turning red. “So what have you done?” “Made out, given and received head.” “Mmmm, I love head, but I don’t make out.” “No?” “No, that’s too … girly for me. No offense.” I’d never thought of making out as girly, but Blake’s opinion of it made me feel … embarrassed, sort of. I felt like he might think I wasn’t as masculine as he was, but that was ridiculous. I was a football player! “Are you good?” he asked. “I haven’t had any complaints.” “How many guys have you been with?” “Just two.” “Two? Damn, you need to get out more often, dude.” “Well, it’s kind of hard to meet anyone without everyone finding out about me.” “Hey, I’m not out, either,” said Blake, “but there are ways to hook up.” “Yeah?” “Mainly I just watch for guys who are checking me out. I give them a little show and see how they react.”

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“A show?” “Yeah, like if it’s in class, I pull my shirt up and scratch my stomach. If the guy stares at my abs, I know he’s interested. If he looks away real fast when I look back up, I know he wants me bad. It’s even easier during P.E. and football practice. If a guy seems to have a thing for me I just peel off my shirt and see what happens.” “So you’ve been with a lot of guys?” “Twelve so far. I carve a notch in my headboard for every guy I seduce. Half of them go to P.H.S., although there are only two there that are hot enough to really get into it with. The others just give me head.” “So, you don’t do anything for them?” “No, I’m not interested. They just aren’t hot enough, but I figure if they want to swing on my pole with nothing in return, then I’m all for it. You can never get enough head.” Blake laughed. He was too focused on sex, but I have to admit he was turning me on. “I fuck one of them, too. He’s nothing to look at, but it still feels good.” “So, um, have you ever … got fucked?” I asked, feeling very vulgar for asking and also somewhat embarrassed. “No way, man! I’m a total top. I don’t bottom for anyone.” “How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?” “I’m not the submissive type. I’m dominant. I won’t submit to anyone.” “I never thought of it in submissive and dominant terms. Are you sure it’s like that? I mean, it doesn’t seem to me that someone would have to be submissive to be on the bottom.” “You poor little virgin.” I felt my face growing hot again, this time with anger. “Look at it this way,” said Blake. “When a guy and a girl are together, the girl gives it up to the guy. So when two guys are together and one of them is being the girl, the bottom, he’s giving it up, too. He’s being submissive.” I didn’t know if I trusted Blake’s logic or not, but I was way out of my league. If Sex Education was a college course, I’d be in 101 and Blake would be at graduate level. I couldn’t believe he just dived right into talking about sex. I thought we’d talk about football or movies or music or something, and then maybe later we’d make out in the car and maybe go as far as jerking each other off. Did I have a distorted view of the world? Did things between two guys always move so fast? Granted, Cameron and I had messed around on our first date, but as it was most likely destined to also be our last date, it seemed okay. Dane and I

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had done even more, but again there wasn’t much of a chance for a relationship there. Blake and I could have a relationship. We could go on dates to movies and wherever and gradually work our way from a simple kiss to a whole lot more. Blake was moving along fast, though. I felt as though I was just beginning chapter one and he’d already skipped ahead to the end of the book. “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” I asked. “Nah, I’m not into that whole dating thing. It’s okay for some guys, I guess, but I’ve got friends to spend my time with, you know? When I’m with a guy like you, well, I wanna take care of business. I mean, why waste time going to a movie when you can just fuck?” Blake made me feel young and naïve. I shut up about the whole boyfriend topic, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Blake and I were both jocks, into football, and we probably had other shared interests. Plymouth wasn’t that far from Verona, and we could have dated as easily as Casey and Sandy. Maybe we could have even double-dated. Blake wasn’t interested in dating, not one bit. He just wanted sex. I wanted what Brendan and Casper shared. I’m sure they tore up the sheets, but there was so much more between them than sex. They were friends as well as lovers. They were companions who shared their lives. I wanted sex, but I also wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay when things weren’t going so well. I wanted someone I could hold hands with and just be with. Were all the guys who wanted that already taken? Blake’s eyes roved over me as we ate and talked. He was definitely interested in me. Blake was quite a hottie himself. He was all muscle and his black hair, blue eyes, and hauntingly handsome face made me want to leap across the table and make out with him. The thought of what he probably looked like without a shirt made the front of my jeans tighten. It would be only sex with Blake, though. He wasn’t looking for more. In just a short time I’d messed around with Cameron and Dane. I would’ve probably messed around with Riley, too, if he’d be a little older and more mature. I feared I was turning into a slut, but it was hard to turn sex down. My body cried out for it, and it was so hard to find a guy who was interested in guys. Blake crumpled up the last empty wrapper in his fist and tossed it on his tray. “You ready to go?” “Yeah.” We dumped our trash, put our trays on top of the bins, and walked out toward the cars. This was where I needed to say goodbye to Blake if I was going

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to stay true to my idea of looking for love. I was all ready to do so, believe it or not, when Blake shook his keys and said, “Wanna drive her?” “Hell, yeah!” What other possible response could I have given? Blake tossed me the keys and walked around to the passenger side. “Man, this is sweet,” I said, running my hand over the steering wheel. The interior was black vinyl, and the whole car looked like it was new. I inserted the key into the ignition and started her up. All that power under the hood gave me a rush. Where my Cutlass hardly wanted to move forward at all, I was willing to bet this baby could do zero to sixty in five seconds. I backed out of the parking spot and headed away from Burger King. “I want a car like this,” I said. “Like her, huh?” “Are you kidding? I’d kill for this car.” “I think of her as my guy magnet. I’ve seduced more than one boy in this car, boys who were supposedly straight.” Blake was definitely a player, but at the moment I was focused on his Camaro. I drove her the short distance to Highway 30 so I could see what she could do. Coming off the on ramp I punched on the gas and she took off like a bat out of hell. “If you get a ticket, you’re paying for it,” said Blake. I looked at the speedometer. I was doing sixty-five. I slowed down to just under sixty. We cruised down the highway. I wished it was summer so we could have the windows down and feel the air rushing through our hair. I was in heaven, but it couldn’t last forever. Blake let me drive around for half an hour before he directed me back into Plymouth. I should’ve headed for the Burger King where my own car was waiting, but I didn’t want to get out of that Camaro until it was absolutely necessary. Soon, Blake pointed to a paved driveway and told me to park the car in front of the two-door garage. “Come on,” he said, getting out of the car. I reluctantly left the driver’s seat, handed Blake back his keys, and followed him as he unlocked the front door and entered. Blake’s family obviously had money. The house was new, brick, and big. The inside was a complete contrast to my own home. Everything was neat, tidy, and clean. I wondered what it must be like to live in such a home. I followed Blake up to his bedroom, which looked more like my own than the rest of the house. There were shirts and boxers on the floor as well as a jockstrap. The desk was covered with papers and sports magazines and the walls featured posters of football players and muscle cars.

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Blake peeled off his shirt, and my eyes were drawn to his sculpted chest. My resolve not to jump right to sex with Blake wavered at the sight of his bulging muscles. He wasn’t quite as hot as Brendan or Ethan, but he was damned close. What’s more, he wasn’t dating anyone, and he obviously wanted me. Still, I was reluctant. I didn’t want to sleep with every guy I met. My eyes fell to Blake’s crotch. Damn, his bulge was bigger than before. I looked back up, and Blake snared my eyes with his own. I needed to get out of there and fast if I didn’t want to become another notch in Blake’s headboard. The problem was, my feet weren’t moving, and the flames of lust were beginning to lick at my crotch. Blake crossed the short distance between us and ripped my shirt over my head. He grabbed my hand and shoved it onto the bulge in his jeans. I squeezed and Blake smiled. He pulled back for a moment, kicked off his shoes, and pulled off his socks. He unfastened his belt, popped the button on his jeans, and pulled down the zipper. He shoved his boxers and jeans down together in one movement and kicked them away. He stood before me completely naked. He was gorgeous. Blake stepped toward me once more, gripped my shoulders firmly in his strong hands and pushed down hard. I sank to my knees and found myself staring at Blake’s sizeable manhood. He gripped the back of my head and pushed forward. My resolve evaporated, and I gave in to my desires. The next hour was filled with pounding, throbbing, wild sex. My time with Cameron and even Dane paled by comparison, yet Blake and I went no further than Dane and I had. Blake moved with strength, confidence, and intensity. There was power and masculinity behind his every action. He gave me what I’d craved: sex not with an excited boy, but with a man. When we lay back on the bed spent and gasping for breath I thought it was over. What else is there when you’ve both moaned with the exquisite delight of sexual release? We weren’t nearly finished, however. Blake was up not merely for an encore, but for an experience that went beyond anything that’d already happened on his bed. Blake wrestled with me, our muscles bulging as we struggled against each other. The contact of naked skin on skin excited me to new heights of passion. Our hands and tongues were everywhere until I was excited to a fever pitch. Blake guided me onto my stomach and massaged my shoulders. I purred under the expert care of his hands as they worked up and down my back, even venturing out onto my buttocks. “I want to make you moan my name,” whispered Blake into my ear as he nibbled on it and massaged my shoulders more.

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No one had ever said anything like that to me before. No one had ever treated me as forcefully as Blake. He was a young man who took what he wanted, not with force, but by seduction. Blake lay full length upon me as I lay face down on his bed. “Are you ready to lose your virginity, Shawn?” he whispered to me, his breath hot upon my neck. “Yes.” Had I just said yes? I was under his spell. Months ago I had decided I would not, under any circumstances, give myself to anyone as I was about to give myself to Blake unless we were in a committed, proven relationship. There was no such relationship between Blake and me, but I could not resist him. He had me so worked up I was ready to say yes to just about anything. Blake rubbed against me and then climbed off. I heard him open a drawer, and then I heard the sound of foil tearing. I resisted the temptation to look back as Blake prepared himself, but was put at ease by his preparations for safe sex. I heard him open a bottle as I willed my heart to slow. I was breathing too fast from both arousal and anxiety. Blake climbed back onto the bed and lowered himself upon me. I felt him pressing against me, and then there was a flash of blinding pain. I cried out. Blake rubbed my back with his free hand. “Just take it easy, Shawn. It hurts a little at first, but I’ll go slow.” He held completely still for several moments and then slid deeper into me. I felt as if my insides were on fire and whimpered in pain. Blake had both hands on my shoulders now, holding me down. “Easy, easy,” he purred as the pain grew more intense. I tried to pull away from Blake, but he held me firmly in place. He wouldn’t let me go. I don’t mean that he forced me, for I stopped short of asking him to stop, but he controlled me. “Just relax, you know you want it, Shawn. You wouldn’t have come home with me if you didn’t want this.” As much as it hurt, I did want it, and we both knew it. I’d never before equated pleasure with pain, but they had somehow become mixed. My breath came hard and fast as Blake continued. I cried out in pain again as he went in further. “You’re tough, man, you can take it.” Blake was a seductive one. He complimented me even as he seduced me into submitting to his needs and desires. I groaned with pain once more, and then he was all the way in.

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“Easy, easy,” whispered Blake as he lay on top of me. “Calm down.” I was panting as if I’d run miles. I fought to control my breath and my racing heart. Tears streamed from my eyes, and I was glad Blake could not see them. Blake held perfectly still for several seconds and then began to thrust. At first, it hurt so bad I tried to rise up off the bed. Blake forcefully shoved me back down. “Don’t fight it. You know you want this. Tell me you want it, Shawn.” “I want it.” I concentrated on relaxing, and as I did so the pain eased and I began to experience pleasure. I relaxed even more as I sought out the pleasure and experienced the excitement of what Blake was doing to me. Five minutes later I was moaning Blake’s name. A few minutes more and he cried out in ecstasy. I cried out with release, too. I’d never experience anything so intense. When Blake pulled out I rolled onto my back, still breathing hard, covered with a sheen of sweat. My virginity was gone, even by Blake’s definition. He grinned at me and tossed me my clothes. “I’d better take you back. My dad will be home in half an hour.” We dressed and walked back out to Blake’s Camaro. He let me drive it back to Burger King, but my mind wasn’t on the car, it was on what we’d done on Blake’s bed. I felt changed, like I’d never be the same again. In mere minutes I was standing beside Blake’s car in the parking lot. “Call me, man. We need to get together again soon,” said Blake and then slipped in behind the wheel. He started up his bitchin’ Camaro, and then he was gone. I walked around to the driver’s door of my Cutlass and climbed in. I headed out for Verona. I felt relaxed as I hadn’t in a long time, but sadness enveloped me, too. I felt as though I’d lost something. I felt changed. I wasn’t who I had been when I’d climbed in Blake’s car. The change wasn’t necessarily bad or good. I just felt different. Maybe this was just how it felt to lose your virginity, your innocence. Blake had seduced me. He hadn’t forced me. He’d made me want what he wanted. He’d made me want to submit. A part of me felt used, but I knew that wasn’t quite true. Nothing had happened that I didn’t want to happen. Still, I couldn’t get the image of Blake carving another notch in his headboard out of my mind as I drove toward home.

Brendan

Driving through the familiar streets of Pigeon Crossing was eerie. There were a lot of good memories in my old hometown, but the more recent, unpleasant events dominated my thoughts. We drove straight to Brad’s house. We were expected. Stacey was standing outside as we pulled up in front of the house. Casper tore off his seatbelt, flung open the door, and ran to her. They collided, hugged each other, and covered each other with kisses. I smiled. Brad came out the front door and clasped me in a bear hug. Besides being my best friend, I owed Brad everything. Without him I would have never escaped from the Cloverdale Center. Thank God he had a cousin who worked in that place and that his cousin wasn’t like most of orderlies there. I owed Brad plenty more, too. He’d always been there for me when I needed him. “It’s so good to have you back,” said Brad. “This place hasn’t been the same without you.” “How was football season?” “It sucked ass. Without you around, the whole team fell apart. Come on inside; it’s freezing out here.” I’d been in Brad’s house a thousand times. I felt like I was home again. Brad led us to his bedroom where Casper and Stacey plopped down on the bed. Brad and I sat near on the “make out” couch. That’s what Brad called it anyway. He liked to bring girls there when his parents weren’t home. Everything in his room was familiar, from the football trophies on the shelves to the blue-shag carpeting that we’d wrestled on countless times. I almost felt as if it was my room. - 86 -

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“Been getting any use out of this?” I asked, indicating the love seat. Brad’s eyes momentarily went to Stacey, and they both smiled. “Plenty.” Casper didn’t miss the exchange, but said nothing. “How’s everything with you?” asked Brad. “Couldn’t be better.” “You look more buff than ever.” “Thanks. I think it’s all the farm work.” “You’re looking in shape, too,” said Stacey to Casper. He grinned shyly. “Yeah, Casper is getting built,” I said. “You should see him without a shirt.” Casper turned red. He was so cute when he was embarrassed. “Come on, stud, give us a show,” said Stacey. Casper truly turned crimson. I knew he wasn’t about to take off his shirt, but he flexed his right bicep. “Oh, baby!” said Stacey, laughing. We caught up on old times. Brad and Stacey had been for a visit to Verona a few months back, and we maintained contact by letter and phone, but there was still much to talk about. None of it was earth-shattering or terribly exciting, but we hardly cared. It just felt good to get back together with old friends. We must’ve stayed there three hours just talking about nothing. Pigeon Crossing didn’t have much to offer in the way of accommodations. We opted to pass on the Triple-8 Motel and took a room at the Peach Tree Bed & Breakfast. The B&B was well named, for it was surrounded by peach trees. They weren’t much to look at in December, but I remembered how beautiful they were in bloom. The B&B was a romantically situated, Queen Anne style Victorian painted a light peach, with darker peach moldings. She was a real beauty, almost like something out of a fairy tale. The owner of the Peach Tree B&B was Perlina Whitman, a white-haired old lady with a wrinkled, but kind face. She was an institution in Pigeon Crossing. Everyone knew her, and she knew everybody. I had no doubt she was well acquainted with my own recent history, but if she had any problem with two gay boys sleeping in the same bed, she said nothing about it. I’d always liked Perlina. “Breakfast is at nine,” she said, “but I can have it prepared later if you’d prefer.” “No, thank you, nine will be just fine,” I said. “Welcome home, Brendan.” “Thanks.” Casper and I made our way to the Henry Clay room on the second floor. Each of the rooms in the Peach Tree was named after a historical figure from Kentucky. In addition to the Henry Clay room, there was the Stephen Foster room,

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the Abraham Lincoln room, and others. Our room had a massive, carved Victorian bed with a matching marble-top dresser and washstand. There was a pair of antique rockers on either side of a gas fireplace, and a Victorian loveseat sat just opposite the fire, forming a cozy, romantic nook. There was a large cylinder secretary along one wall filled with leather-bound books, and old botanical prints hung in ornate frames on the walls. The tin ceiling was painted gold, and the walls were hunter green. The hardwood floor was covered here and there by comfy, ornate rugs that matched the color scheme perfectly. The air smelled faintly of peach blossoms and polished wood. “Now this is what I call nice,” said Casper. We’d barely settled in when Ruth, who ran the B&B with Perlina, appeared at the door bearing an old chocolate set on a tray. Ruth was considerably younger than Perlina, although she was still in her sixties. She set the tray on the marble-top table that stood near the fireplace. “I thought you two could use some peppermint hot chocolate before bed. It’ll be a cold night. It’s already beginning to snow.” I looked out the window. Large, white flakes were indeed beginning to fall from the sky. It made me feel all comfy and cozy to be inside. Ruth turned on the gas fireplace, and flames leapt up around the artificial logs. It looked just like a real log fire. She smiled, the wrinkles around her eyes crinkling. Ruth was a woman who drew pleasure from bringing others happiness. “I’ll leave you two alone now, so you can drink your hot chocolate before it gets cold. Sleep well.” “Thanks, Ruth.” When she’d closed the door, Casper turned to me. “She reminds me of my grandmother.” “She’s a lot like her. I’ve known her and Perlina for years. Well, everyone knows them, but I guess I don’t have to tell you that.” I poured Casper and me cups of steaming hot chocolate from the pot. I’d seen such chocolate sets before. I was almost afraid to drink from the tall, delicate, porcelain cups. The set was trimmed in green and decorated with peaches, a motif prevalent throughout the old B&B. “This is delicious,” said Casper. “I’ve never had peppermint hot chocolate before.” “It’s appropriately Christmassy, isn’t it?” “I almost can’t believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve.” “Me, either.”

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Casper and I settled back on the love seat, sipping our hot chocolate and gazing at the fire. The flames danced before us, and the heat was most welcome. This is what life was supposed to be like. I let myself forget about what was soon to come and just reveled in the moment. We sat there in silence and drained the entire pot. When the last drop was gone, I took Casper by the hand and led him to the bed. I undressed him and then myself, and then we climbed under the covers. We didn’t make love, but instead just held each other close as we drifted off to sleep. The morning dawned dim and overcast. At least I think it did; we didn’t rise until well after dawn. Casper and I took turns in the bathroom. The bathtub was one of those deep, old-fashioned tubs with claw feet. I found myself not wanting to get out of the hot, relaxing water, but breakfast time was approaching fast. I reluctantly climbed out of the tub, promising myself I’d have a good long bath that night. Perhaps I’d share one with Casper. The tub was more than large enough for the two of us. We dressed and walked downstairs to the dining room where we were joined by a middle-aged couple from Ohio, a pair of elderly ladies from eastern Kentucky, and a young surveyor from Frankfort. The surveyor looked to be in his mid-twenties, and I noticed him stealing looks at both Casper and me. Why was it that guys looked us over more when we were together than apart? Did they sense we were a couple? Did we give off some kind of vibe that we were gay when we were together? I didn’t know, but I had noticed that way-more guys checked me out when I was with Casper than when I wasn’t. I guess it didn’t matter, because I was only interested in my boy. Perlina and Ruth brought out plates heaped with pancakes topped with peaches and whipped cream. There were real maple syrup and a wonderful peach syrup to go on top. In addition, there were bacon, hash browns, scrambled eggs, and biscuits. To drink there were coffee, hot tea, iced tea, milk, chocolate milk, orange, cranberry, and grape juice. I was sorry I wouldn’t be able to try everything, but we’d be staying at the B&B for some days, so maybe I’d get my chance after all. Everything was delicious! I concentrated on the pancakes and bacon. The pancakes were the best ever, even a bit better than those on the Selby farm, believe it or not. It was the peach syrup that put them over the top. When we got home I was going to try to figure out how to make it. I’d enlist the help of Ardelene. Together I knew we could do it. In all honesty, it was Ardelene who would make it possible. She was far more talented than I was in the kitchen.

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While enjoying the delights of Perlina’s and Ruth’s table, all of those present chatted, not as strangers, but more as friends. We talked of the snow and the beautiful twelve-foot Christmas tree at one end of the room. I’d never seen a tree with so many ornaments and ribbons. The tree itself was nearly invisible. There was another, even larger tree in the parlor, also beautifully decorated and shining with bright lights and sparkling icicles. When sufficiently stuffed, we went our separate ways—Casper and I back to our room to dress more warmly for our trek into the cold. Wrapped in our winter coats, we left the B&B behind and drove a short distance out of town. I stopped the car near the top of a long hill, and we both stepped out into the snow. There before us lay the ruins of the Cloverdale Center. “You know, I’d planned to never come back here,” I said, “but I just wanted to see it for myself. I just needed to make sure it’s really gone.” Casper wrapped his arm around my waist. “It’s gone, Brendan. No one will ever have to enter this horrible place again.” There was little left except for a few ruined, blackened walls and the tall fence that once surrounded the rear of the building. Most of the building had collapsed into the basement, leaving little left standing above ground. It was now nothing more than a mass of blackened timbers, broken glass, twisted metal, and crumbling stonework. The snow fell down steadily upon it, as if trying to hide what little remained of the Cloverdale Center. We stood there for only a few moments more, then returned to the warmth of the car. I drove Casper back to the Peach Tree and dropped him off. The next part of my journey I had to make alone. I drove a short distance through the town and stopped in front of a large, well-kept, colonial-style home. I gazed upon it. It had been my home once, when I was a boy, but no longer. My home lay far to the north now, where I lived with Casper, Ethan and Nathan, and others who loved me. My parents had loved me once upon a time, but they’d thrown all that away when they’d discovered I was different. I fought the nervousness that tried to assert itself as I stepped up the walk. I had nothing to fear. I was a man now. My parents couldn’t hurt me. They couldn’t have me taken away again as they had on that night that now seemed so long ago. I knocked on the door I’d once entered countless times a day without knocking and waited. A few moments later the door opened. My mother stood there, staring at me as if I were a stranger. Part of me wanted to embrace her; part of me

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wanted to rage at her for not stopping what had happened the night I was taken away. “Are you going to ask me in?” “Yes. I’m sorry. Please come in.” She stepped back, and I entered. The last time I’d been in the living room I’d been dragged out by the cops, kicking and screaming while my mother watched and my father told me it was for my own good. Lies, it was all lies. They’d sent me away to be tortured. Anger welled up inside me, but I fought it back down. “Your father isn’t home,” said my mom as I took a seat on the sofa and she sat in her usual chair. “I see,” I said. We sat there in silence for several moments. “Why did you let him send me away, Mom?” I asked, getting straight to the point. “It was for your own good.” There it was, the lie again. For a moment I wanted to slap my own mother. “No, it wasn’t. It was for my father’s peace of mind and perhaps yours, but there was nothing good in it for me. You sent me away to be changed in a way that wasn’t even possible. Do you know what happened to me in there, Mom? They drugged me. A lot of the kids in there ended up as addicts or were so messed up they didn’t even know who they were anymore. I met a boy named Ian there. He was my age, but he acted like he was a little kid. The drugs they gave him messed him up so bad they fried his brain. He thought trolls were trying to kill him by putting a river in his closet to drown him. The same would’ve happened to me if I hadn’t learned really fast how to survive in there. Those drugs would have destroyed my mind. Was that for my own good, Mom?” “They said you’d be put on medication to help you with your condition.” “That’s a nice, clinical way to put it, isn’t it? It wasn’t like that, Mom; it wasn’t like that at all. My condition? You make it sound like I have some chemical imbalance in my brain or something. I’m gay, Mom; it’s not a condition. It’s the way I am, and nothing can change it. You had me tortured for nothing.” “I’m sure you weren’t tortured, honey.” “Did you ever check to see what they were doing to me? Did you ever bother to come and see what that place was like?” “Your father said we needed to give the doctors a free hand.” “A free hand to drug me and give me electric-shock treatments! Do you know I was afraid to sleep there at night, Mom? Do you know why? One of the order-

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lies raped me, Mom. He raped me, and I wasn’t the only one. That kind of thing happened in there all the time!” My mother looked horrified. “But you didn’t bother to check on me, did you? You just did what Father said, didn’t you? I needed you, Mom. I needed you to protect me. You could have stopped him. You could have prevented him from sending me to that horrible place. You could have rescued me from it, but you didn’t, did you? You just left me in there because you were too afraid to stand up to Father and maybe too ashamed of me because I was gay. Even after I escaped, I had nightmares for months, Mom. I woke up screaming because I thought I was back in that hellhole.” My mom was crying. “I didn’t know! I didn’t know!” “Well, you know now, don’t you?” I knew I’d hurt her, and I really didn’t care. “What are you doing here?” said an angry voice. It was my father. “Get away from her! What did you do to her?” I stood up quickly. “I told her the truth.” “Get out! This isn’t your home anymore.” “No, it’s not! It stopped being my home when you had me dragged away by the police. It stopped being my home when you betrayed me! I just came back to tell you what they did to me in that little slice of hell you sent me to! I came back to tell you that you can’t hurt me anymore.” My father actually took a swing at me. I grabbed his arm and held it. “I’m not a boy anymore. You can’t intimidate me.” I pushed him away. “Stop it!” said my mother. “Both of you, just stop it!” We looked at her. “We can’t work this out if all the two of you will do is fight.” “There’s nothing to work out,” said father. “I no longer have a son.” “What’s wrong, Dad? Can’t you deal with the fact I’m gay? Just what do you think that means, anyway? You took everything away from me, do you know that? Well, guess what, Father, I’ve got it all back. I was the quarterback this year at my new school, and the team captain. And you know what, Dad? They know I’m gay! The coach and my teammates know I’m gay, and they still made me quarterback and team captain. I’m popular. I have a new home where I’m loved more than I ever was here, and I have the greatest boyfriend in the whole world!” My father laughed. “You don’t have your money.”

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“I don’t give a damn about money! I can make my own way. I’m a man now, not a little boy. That just tears you up, doesn’t it, Father? You just can’t stand it because you can’t control me anymore. And about the money, I’ll get that, too. When I’m twenty-one I’ll get my trust fund, and before that I’ll get the rest of it. You weren’t able to steal it away from me, were you? If you could have, your lawyers would have already done it. All you’ve done is tied things up in legal knots. Well, guess what, those knots can be untied, so you haven’t even taken that away from me.” “Get out.” “Fine, I’ll go.” I turned to my mother. “Mom, things can still be okay between us, but that’s up to you. I’ll be staying with Casper at the Peach Tree Bed & Breakfast for a couple more days. You can reach me there, or here’s my number in Verona.” I took out a pen and scribbled my number on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to her. “She won’t be calling you,” said my father. “I think Mom can make her own decisions.” I turned back to my mom. “I forgive you for not helping me, Mom. I know you have your own problems, so I forgive you. I’d like you to be a part of my life, but that’s up to you.” I turned and walked out, saddened and angry. I guess things hadn’t gone any worse than I’d expected. I didn’t expect things to go back to the way they had been. They couldn’t; my parents had betrayed me. I had Casper now, too. I belonged with him. I loved him with all my heart, and there was no one more important to me in the entire world. I couldn’t wait to get back to him. I needed a hug.

Dane

“Dane! What’s up?” I’d just entered The Rose Café. I turned to see Billy and Rue seated at a table near the window. I had no idea how I’d missed seeing them from the sidewalk. If I’d spotted them, I would’ve never come into the café. “Lunch,” I said. “I’m starving.” “Join us, then,” said Billy. “We haven’t even ordered yet.” “Three’s a crowd.” “Don’t be silly,” said Rue. “This is a perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other. Billy has told me a lot about you.” The last thing I wanted to do was sit there with Billy and his new girlfriend, but I couldn’t get out of it without being rude. I was trying to get over my infatuation with Billy, but it just wasn’t working. My head told me it was all over. He was dating someone else, a girl, and he would never be mine. My heart wouldn’t listen to reason, however. I still yearned for Billy, and the mere thought of Billy and Rue together was torture. How could I possibly survive sitting right there with the two of them? “Billy talks about you all the time,” said Rue. “I’m so glad we have this chance to get to know one another. I just know we’re going to be great friends!” I really wanted to hate Rue. I wanted her to be bitchy and petty and rude, so I could think about how she was all wrong for Billy. I wanted him to realize what a bitch she was and dump her. She was so friendly and so kind, however, that I couldn’t help but like her. In my determination not to like her I reminded myself that she stole my boyfriend. That wasn’t true, though. Billy wasn’t my boyfriend. - 94 -

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Neither Rue nor Billy had any idea of how I felt about him, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with the two of them dating. I was the one being bitchy and petty, if only in my thoughts. I realized as I sat there that I needed to snap out of it. If I was a real friend, I’d be happy for Billy, and, as for Rue, she seemed like a really nice girl. Perhaps we could even be friends. “Billy has talked a lot about you, too,” I said. “Oh? What did he say?” Billy gazed at me apprehensively. There were plenty of things he’d said about Rue that he wouldn’t want repeated to her. I gave him a wicked grin while I enjoyed his discomfort. “Well … most of it has to do with how much he enjoys being with you. He says you make him happy. He also goes on and on about how beautiful you are.” Billy let out a breath he probably didn’t know he’d been holding and smiled at me. I’d just scored major points with him. Rue beamed first at me and then at Billy. She reached across the table and took his hand. I felt a surge of jealousy, but I did my best to rein it in. I cared about Billy deeply, enough that I wanted to put his own happiness before my own. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but this was as good as any place to start. Still, I couldn’t help but wish that it was my hand Billy was holding. If only he’d gaze into my eyes like that. The waitress came and took our orders. It was nearing one p.m. and I was ravenous, so I ordered The Rose Café burger basket, which included a loaded half-pound burger and a pile of fries so big they resembled Mt. Everest. Rue kept up a lively and animated conversation. I did my best to join in, but my heart wasn’t in it. It’s hard to be talkative and happy when your heart is breaking. Shawn had pointed out that Billy might be dating Rue for cover. Billy could be bi or even gay. Those hopes were being dashed right before me. The way Billy and Rue looked into each other’s eyes, the way they held hands, even their goofy grins told me they were head over heels in love with each other. I was out of luck. Things had been a lot easier when I was just looking for sex. There were plenty of frustrations and disappointments, but there was none of the emotional pain I felt as I sat there with Billy and Rue. Caring about someone hurt. I’d let myself develop feelings for Billy, and I felt like he’d ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I couldn’t even be angry with Billy, because he had no idea how I felt about him. I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to hate Rue for taking him away from me, but there was just no one to blame, not even myself. I guess the pain I was experiencing was my fault, but how could I control my feelings?

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I was relieved when our food arrived, because there would be less pressure for me to talk, not that I’d said that much so far. I mostly felt like a rat for being jealous and wishing that Billy and Rue weren’t a couple. I wasn’t completely selfish, however. I caught myself smiling sometimes when I saw the look of happiness on Billy’s face. In those fleeting moments I was happy because he was happy, and that made me feel better about myself. It felt good to put someone else’s happiness before my own. I’d hoped to beat a hasty retreat as soon as lunch was over, but no such luck. I was just beginning to excuse myself when Rue interrupted. “No, no!” she said. “You guys have fun. Mom is taking me to shop for shoes.” She stood, leaned over, and gave Billy a quick kiss on the lips. “I’ll see you later, baby.” “I’ll be waiting,” said Billy with a dreamy look in his eyes. We both watched Rue depart. “You’ve got it bad,” I said. “No one looks that goofy or acts so corny if they aren’t in love.” “Shut up,” said Billy smiling. “You’re right, though.” He actually sighed. How pitiful is that? We paid the checks and walked outside. “I can’t believe how she makes me feel,” said Billy, throwing his head back and looking into the sky and then back at me. “At first, I was just hot for her, but now that we’ve spent time together—I can’t get her out of my head. I’m not just talking about wanting to have sex with her. I just want to be with her. It doesn’t matter what we do; just being with her is enough. I helped her fold laundry last night, and I was soooo happy! Can you believe it? I was happy about folding laundry!” Billy was all lit up as if there was a star inside him. I couldn’t help but laugh warmly at his enthusiasm. “That girl is going to have you whipped in no time at all. You’re going to be one of those boys who’ll do anything their girl says.” “Yes!” said Billy. “You are so pathetic,” I said. “The next time I see you, she’ll probably have you on a leash.” “Kinky! I like it!” I shook my head, and Billy laughed. “You’re such a geek when you’re happy.” “Then I’ll be a geek, as long as I can have Rue!” “There’s just no use in talking to you.”

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“She’s so wonderful! She’s not shy either. She already gave me a hand job and let me feel her up. She’s like the perfect girlfriend. You’ve got to try this, Dane. We’ve got to get you a girl. Maybe I could ask Rue if any of her friends are available.” “Um, no, I don’t think that would be such a good idea.” A sense of panic rose in my chest. Me, with a girl? “Come on, man, why not?” I couldn’t think of one good reason, one that I could tell Billy, I mean. I could’ve said, “I’m gay,” and that would’ve put an end to the discussion (and create a whole new one). It likely would’ve put an end to our friendship, too, and might have outed me to the whole school and town. “Um, I dunno.” “I’ll talk to Rue about it tonight. Don’t worry, buddy, I’ll hook you up with a babe. Then, we can go on double dates and everything! This will be so cool!” I wanted to scream Nooooooooooo! Such an outburst wasn’t possible, so I remained silent, wondering how I’d gotten myself into such a fix. All I’d done was go into The Rose Café for a burger, and now Billy was determined to fix me up with a girl. It did help me get my mind off the whole Billy/Rue situation, but only because it filled me with abject terror. What was I going to do now? I had no time to think about it, because Billy dragged me into a little shop called Trinkets and Treasures to look for a Christmas present for Rue. I usually loved spending time with Billy, but picking out a gift for his girlfriend was not my idea of a good time. I’d only been in the shop once, with my mom, and was not excited to be back. The shop was filled with what could best be described as pretty things that serve no real purpose. I loved beautiful things, such as flowers and scantily clad (or unclad) young men, but I had little use for decorative art. As much as it pained me, I tried to think like Rue in order to figure out what she would like best. Billy had no idea how huge a sacrifice I was making for him. My gaze roved over wall plaques of kittens, planters of realistic but fake orchids, bowls of stone fruit, and small statues of Greek women wearing togas. There were miniature Christmas trees all decked out and complete Christmas villages. I failed to spot anything that I thought might thrill Rue, however. I felt like a bit of a failure as a gay boy. Weren’t we supposed to be good at decorating, picking out gifts, and that sort of thing? I guess that was just another stereotype. My eyes fell on a music box of dark polished wood. The music box was simple, but beautiful, tasteful and elegant. I opened the lid and “White Christmas”

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began to play. The music box was just the kind of thing that a girl like Rue would treasure. I guess I did have the touch for picking out gifts after all. “This is it,” I said. “This is what you should get her.” Billy quickly came toward me and gazed down at the music box as its enchanting music drifted to our ears. “It plays other songs, too,” I said, reading the tag. “She could use it all year ’round, not just at Christmas. What do you think?” “I think it’s perfect, if I can afford it.” I’d already looked at the price tag before I’d called Billy over. It was $24.95. “Whew,” said Billy when he looked at the price. “I was afraid it was going to be a lot more. It’s going to take everything I’ve got, but this I can afford.” Billy picked up the box and carried to toward the counter. “Uh-oh,” he said, stopping. “I think I only have a twenty with me.” “I’ve got money,” I said. “Thanks, Dane. I’ll pay you back tomorrow, I promise. I have the money at home.” “No problem.” Together Billy and I dug up the cash to pay for the music box. The store owner even wrapped it up for him in beautiful Christmas paper and an expensive looking bow. Billy was practically dancing on air as we left the shop. “I’m going to rush this home,” said Billy. “Wanna come? I can pay you back right now.” “No, I feel like walking around a bit. I have some things I need to think about.” “Okay, man and, hey, thanks! This is the perfect Christmas gift for Rue! She’s going to love it, I bet, and I would’ve never found it without you!” “You’re welcome.” “See ya later, Dane!” “Later, Billy.” The boy who’d stolen my heart walked away, carrying a Christmas gift for his girlfriend that I had chosen. Could life be any more unfair? I walked around town. I had tons to think about—mostly Billy and Rue, of course. Being a good friend and putting his happiness before mine wasn’t easy, but I guessed I was doing a fairly good job so far. I didn’t hate Rue, and I’d even helped pick out her Christmas present and had loaned Billy money to buy it. Still … That’s as far as I got with my thoughts, for Simon spotted me and rushed toward me. We’d sort of become friends since I’d taken him under my wing dur-

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ing our unit on weight training. Simon usually stuck close during P.E., and we greeted each other in the halls at school. I’d grown to like him. I didn’t see him as a potential boyfriend, but despite my desire for a soul mate, not everything had to be about finding Mr. Right. “Hey, Dane, what’cha doin’?” “Nothing now. I was helping Billy pick out a Christmas gift for his girl.” “Yeah? I saw him and Rue making out at school.” Great, just what I need to hear, I thought. I quickly changed the topic. “So … how is the weight lifting coming along?” “It’s not … yet,” said Simon. “I don’t have any weights. I asked for some for Christmas, and I think I’ll get them. Dad is always pushing me into guy stuff. You should have seen his eyes light up when I told him I wanted a weight set.” I laughed. “I hope I get it because I really want to start working out. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m a pansy.” “I don’t think anyone thinks you’re a pansy. I know I don’t. You’re just small.” Simon looked a bit hurt. “I don’t mean that as a put down. I just mean that you’re not tall, and you’re very slim.” “Sorry, I’m a bit sensitive about how I look. I’m the same age as you, but everyone thinks I’m like twelve or something. It ticks me off!” I grinned. “Well, that will change when you get all buff. I’ll tell you what; you want to come home with me and work out with my weights? My set is crappy, but it works. You can be my workout partner if you like, until you get your own set.” “Really? I’d love that!” “Let’s go then.” I’d planned just to walk around town for a while, but I didn’t want to spend the evening alone with my thoughts. Simon didn’t have weights, and I need to distract myself, so getting together was good for both of us. I enjoyed spending time with Simon anyway, and now that Billy was spending more and more time with Rue, I needed someone to hang out with. Simon was just the ticket.

Shawn

I stood in front of the dresser mirror, a towel wrapped around my waist, trying to make my hair behave. How was I ever going to find a guy if I looked like this? I thought perhaps I should invest in a new hairstyle, nothing too extreme, but just … something. Hell, I would’ve dyed my hair blue or gotten a Mohawk if I thought it would get me a boyfriend. I thought of Dane and our experience in the back seat of my car. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but that hour had been the highlight of my existence, up until meeting Blake, anyway. Unfortunately, both encounters left me wanting more. Dane was going to visit Verona just after Christmas, and I couldn’t wait. He’d be staying with the Selbys, but I was sure we’d be able to find a little private time together. The front of my towel began to stick out. Yeah, I definitely needed some private time with Dane. Of course, Blake wasn’t all that far away. I was sorely tempted to hook up with him again. The idea aroused me, but also made me feel slutty. I looked into the mirror to catch Tim gazing at me. I almost spoke to him, but I realized he didn’t know I could see him. It gave me kind of a creepy feeling. I turned quickly around, and Tim averted his eyes guiltily. Just what was he up to? “Um … uh … you think of any girls you could hook me up with?” asked Tim. Tim had been pestering me about girls in recent weeks. The boy obviously needed to get laid. I know the feeling, little brother, I thought to myself. “Tim, how many times do I have to tell you? None of the girls I know would go for you. It’s nothing personal, but the older girls don’t go for freshmen.” - 100 -

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“Come on, at least one of them must!” “Well, none that I know. If you’re so desperate, just get out there and start asking girls out. Sooner or later one is bound to say yes.” “You have it so easy. You have a girlfriend.” “I wasn’t born with one, you know.” “How did you hook up with Casey?” Yeah, like I’m going to tell you that story. “Never mind. It wouldn’t help you anyway.” “Why not?” “It just wouldn’t, okay?” I let my towel fall to the floor and dug through my dresser for boxers. Luckily my manhood had calmed down. When I turned around, Tim was staring at me. “What are you looking at, fag?” Tim’s face blanched, but he quickly recovered. “I’m lookin’ at nothin’,” he said, glancing down at my crotch. “Absolutely nothin’.” “Go fuck yourself,” I said, although I was mildly amused by his snappy comeback. Tim flipped me off and left the room. He’d become quite the pain in my backside, especially since Christmas vacation had started. Sometimes, I almost missed the evil Tim of days gone by—almost. I dressed up in nice slacks, a button-down shirt, and a sweater—why, I’m not sure. There wasn’t much in the house to eat, and I thought I’d go out to Ofarim’s for supper, but there was no need to dress up to go there. Sometimes I just felt like dressing up, though. Maybe it was a gay thing. I laughed at the thought. The light wind cut through my sweater as I stepped outside, but I wasn’t too chilly. I could have gone back in for a coat, but it wasn’t worth it. I walked along the snow-covered sidewalks, slipping now and then on patches of ice. It wasn’t hard to believe that Christmas was upon us. Christmas hadn’t been a big deal since Mom left. More accurately, there hadn’t been a Christmas in recent memory. Our house was hardly one filled with love, and Dad was more likely to spend Christmas Day in a drunken stupor than handing out presents. This year was looking up, however, because Casey and I would be attending a Christmas party at the Selbys. I hoped she would like the perfume I’d bought for her. It smelled nice to me, anyway. I thought about my brother as I crunched my way through the snow. I was feeling more brotherly toward him since he’d turned into a human being instead of an evil little shit. I was trying to be forgiving. After all, things had been just as tough for him as they had been for me, if not more so. Of course, he didn’t have

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a secret to hide like I did, but life in our family wasn’t easy for anyone. I’d bought him a gift this year, too, a nice leather jacket that I’d been lucky enough to find on sale. Maybe it would help him get himself a girl so he’d stop whining. Like me, Tim had missed out on the joys of Christmas in recent times. A present wouldn’t really make up for that, but at least it would help. It would have been cool if I could’ve brought him along to the Selby Christmas celebration, but he was still kind of homophobic. I couldn’t imagine him being comfortable surrounded by all those openly gay boys. I was sure he’d truly freak out if he discovered I was gay. We shared the same room after all and routinely saw each other naked. I had no interest in him, because he was my brother, but if he discovered my secret, he might not believe that. He was just beginning to feel like a real brother again, and I didn’t want to mess up our new and improved relationship. Steam puffed out my mouth and nostrils as I walked on, making me feel a bit like a fire-breathing dragon. My fingers were getting a bit numb, but Ofarim’s wasn’t far away. I walked on, the snow crunching underfoot, thinking of how much better my life was now than it had been in the not-so-distant past and how much it still needed to improve. It was early evening, but the sky was overcast and the light dim. It could have been a gloomy walk, but Verona was lit up for Christmas. Most of the homes I passed sported a tree in the window and lights on the porch. Decorating was a big deal in Verona, and one neighbor often tried to outdo the other with their display. There were lights around windows and doors, lights in the shapes of trees and snowmen. The Deerfields had an incredible light display. Not only was the whole house outlined with multi-colored lights, but Santa, his sleigh, and a full set of reindeer including Rudolf sat on the roof. When I reached the house, a group of children were standing in front of it, just staring. I stopped for a few moments myself. Even the trees in the yard were decorated with lights. I wondered how they had time to set it all up. I thought of poor Jon. I bet his dad made him do much of the work. I passed house after house decorated for the season with lights, wreaths, red bows, and evergreen swags. When I reached downtown, the old-fashioned light posts were wrapped with clear lights, and large illuminated decorations hung over the street. The windows of the businesses were decked out even more than the homes I’d passed, some of them with mechanical elves busy making gifts or with children decorating trees. I luxuriated in the heat after I stepped into Ofarim’s. It too was decorated for the holidays, and Christmas music played softly in the background. I paid little heed, however, for my attention immediately focused on Nate London. I had a

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crush on Nate. He was extremely handsome, had a tight, buff body and curly blond hair and green eyes that made me want to … Well, I’d best not say. Nate was on my football team, which created the torturous predicament for me of being close to him on a daily basis during football season. I definitely enjoyed the view, but it was difficult to control myself around him. I couldn’t look at him for more than a few seconds without being in extreme danger of having my attraction to him made obvious. Fully-clothed as he was and sitting in a booth at Ofarim’s, the danger was lessened, although I was still well aware of his hard body hidden by his sweatshirt and jacket. Nate was the only other customer in Ofarim’s, so I plopped down across from him. “What’s up, Nate?” “Not a damn thing. You?” “I’m starving.” Just then Casper appeared at our table. “What can I get you?” “For starters, some hot chocolate. My ass is freezing off. Then, I’d like a double cheeseburger, fries, and um … a Coke.” “Okay, I’ll put your order in.” Casper turned to Nate. “Yours should be right up.” Nate scowled at Casper slightly as he left, making me wonder if he didn’t disapprove of Casper’s sexual orientation. In my dreams Nate was gay and would someday be my boyfriend, or at least visit the back seat of my car, but in reality he’d probably slug me in the face if he knew I thought he had a nice ass. I didn’t know if I was reading his expression correctly. I had a tendency to read more into an expression or simple action than was really there. Ever since I’d figured out I swung in a different direction from most, I’d let my fears get the best of me, seeing gay bashers everywhere I looked. My dad finding out was still my number-one fear, but old habits died hard and the mere thought of anyone discovering my secret freaked me out. My desperate need for a boyfriend was beginning to override my caution; the fact that my older brother was out of the picture only encouraged me more. I weighed the potential rewards of putting the moves on other guys against the consequences almost daily. So far, the consequences had kept me at bay, but the hormones surging through my body were beginning to tip the scales in the favor of taking a risk. I considered the potential rewards of playing with Nate as I sat there. He was fine. My experience with Dane had been intense, and my time with Blake more

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so. I could just imagine what it would be like with Nate. I wanted to jerk him across the table and kiss him right then and there. I wanted to do a lot of others things, too. A vision of his smooth, muscled chest and tight six-pack abs drifted into my mind. The mere thought of Nate’s firm bod nearly made me moan. I needed to get myself under control, or I’d end up like Dane had once been— obsessed with sex and willing to do anything to get it. I was obsessed with sex, I guess, or at least preoccupied with it, but how I got it was as important as if I got it. “Hello? Is anyone in there?” asked Nate loudly. I realized I’d become totally lost in my own thoughts. “Yeah, sorry.” “So how’s that hot babe of yours?” asked Nate. “As beautiful as ever.” “I could use a girlfriend, if you know what I mean,” said Nate, rubbing his crotch with exaggerated movement. “I guess you’ll just have to stick with your hand until you find one.” Nate glared at me. “You could share your girlfriend with me.” “Shut up! Casey isn’t like that!” “Whoa! Whoa! It was just a suggestion.” “From a sexually deprived jerk,” I said. “Touchy, aren’t we?” Casper arrived with Nate’s order and my hot chocolate. I turned my attention to my steaming cup instead of answering. “So, what are your plans for college?” I asked, hoping to get Nate’s mind away from my girlfriend. “Notre Dame! I’ve already been accepted. You should go there. They’ve got a great football program.” “I’ve applied there, as well as at a few other schools. I’d love to play football for Notre Dame, but I doubt I’m good enough.” Or rich enough, I thought. I’d get zero help from Dad, and if I couldn’t score some kind of scholarship I’d be asking, ‘Would you like fries with that?’ for the rest of my life. “Well, I’m sure I’m not good enough, but I’m going to try out anyway. Hell, if I managed to get accepted I wouldn’t mind if I had to sit on the bench most of the time; I’d still be playing for Notre Dame. That’s the kind of thing you can tell your grandchildren about. You should go there, Shawn, maybe we could even room together.”

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“Maybe, but I was kind of thinking of a school much farther away. I’d like to put some distance between myself and my dad—and especially Tom.” “Yeah, Tom’s got it in for you, doesn’t he?” “I expect him to try to kill me if he gets out of jail.” “Are you serious?” “Unfortunately, yes. My big brother isn’t exactly the forgiving type, and I’m sure he blames me for getting caught.” “He would’ve got caught anyway. He brought a gun to school after all and was going to gun down Brendan and who knows who else? All you did is help head him off. You’re a hero man!” “I’m not a hero. I just did what I had to do. I couldn’t let him murder Brendan.” “I don’t think Tom could deal with a pillow-biter being our quarterback and captain,” said Nate. “You know, you used to be right in there with him, slamming Brendan.” “I used to be scared my brother would beat me senseless if I didn’t,” I said. “So you don’t have a problem with Brendan’s … how shall we say … deviant lifestyle?” I focused my attention on the swirling foam of my hot chocolate for a moment. “What he does in private is his own business. We all have our little secrets, don’t we?” “I guess we do. I used to be kind of freaked out by fags, but Brendan seems normal—I mean, except for being queer.” “Brendan’s cool. I hang out with him sometimes.” “Has he ever put the moves on you?” “No! Why would he do that?” “I dunno. He’s a fag, you’re a guy …” “Casper’s his boyfriend, everyone knows that.” “So?” “Well, don’t you figure that he’d be just as loyal to his boyfriend as you would be to your girlfriend—if you had one, that is.” “Shut up! But, yeah, I guess he would. I just never thought about it.” We got real quiet for a few moments because Casper arrived with my food. He disappeared as soon as he set it down. Nate looked back at him. “I still can’t believe Brendan and he … do whatever it is they do.” “What do you mean?” I asked with a mouth half full of burger.

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“I just mean, I figured Brendan would go for a guy, well, more like us. Casper is so … little.” “What’s wrong, Nate? Jealous?” “Shut the fuck up, asshole!” I laughed. “You know,” I said, leaning across the table and speaking quietly. “We’re spending an awful lot of time talking about Brendan and Casper. Someone might question your obsession with gay boys.” “It’s not an obsession, and you’re talking about them, too. For all I know, you’re a queer.” “Maybe I am,” I said, trying to sound mysterious. “Blow me, then.” “Whip it out, Nate.” Nate took a sip of his soda and grabbed a few more fries. I laughed. I realized I was playing a dangerous game. What if Nate began to suspect I was gay? It wasn’t unusual for one guy to accuse another of sexual deviance, however; it was more of a tradition. The fact that I had a girlfriend protected me as well. Thank God for Casey. Besides, how was I ever going to find someone if I stayed so deeply hidden in the closet? If it hadn’t been for my dad and his violent homophobia, I think I might’ve come out. First Taylor and Mark, then Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper had paved the way. Nathan and Casper weren’t all that buff or athletic, but the others sure were. Some of the top athletes at our school were out, so it was a lot safer than it would’ve been otherwise. I wished I had the balls to come out, but with a father who might actually kill me for it, I figured I had a pretty good excuse. I wondered if I’d be able to do it even if he was out of the picture, though. I guess there was no way of knowing. We sat and ate and talked of other things. Damn I wished I could have Nate for a boyfriend. He was strong, masculine—everything I liked in a guy. Maybe someday, I told myself. It was a nice thought, but it wasn’t enough. “You want to play some football?” asked Nate when we’d both finished. “It’s freezing out.” “Pussy.” “Don’t make me kick your butt.” “You can try kicking it in football,” said Nate, picking up the ball he’d had sitting in the seat beside him. I hadn’t noticed it before. “Okay, you’re on, girly boy.”

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We left Ofarim’s and walked across the street to the park. The ground was snow-covered and slick. We designated our goals, and, since it was his ball, Nate had possession first. Nate and I took up our positions across from each other. He stared into my eyes and then bolted, darting to the right in an attempt to get around me. He nearly succeeded, but I took him down from the side. He’d advanced only a yard or so toward my goal. Nate broke free on his next attempt and made it a good ten yards before I tackled him from behind, sending the ball flying and us sliding across the snow. Some of it went down my collar and I shivered as the icy powder hit my bare back. Our game continued with little progress on either of our parts. Without actual teams, little strategy was possible. Each of us knew exactly who had the ball at all times, and there were no other players to take into consideration. Still, one on one with Nate had its advantages, especially when I tackled and landed on top of him. It was just too bad it was winter. I would’ve been far more satisfying to feel his body beneath me if he was shirtless instead of thickly padded with multiple layers of clothing. After an hour, neither of us had scored a touchdown, and we called the game a draw. Nate and I were huffing and puffing by the time we finished. I didn’t usually get winded so easily, but perhaps there was less oxygen in the air when it was colder. My chest faintly ached, and I could no longer feel my fingers. I was tempted to return to Ofarim’s for more hot chocolate, but decided to head for home instead. Nate invited me back to his house, but I thought it unwise. My control was slipping, and I was saying and doing things I shouldn’t have around Nate; nothing overt, but I was making some unwise decisions. If I was alone with Nate in his room, who knew what I’d do? I desperately needed sex, so it was necessary to put myself in solitary confinement for a while. I couldn’t allow my aroused state to endanger me. I felt like it was “that time of the month.” Okay, that didn’t come out right. Let me explain. I’d noticed that my level of arousal wasn’t constant. Sure, I always got turned on by guys in the showers and stuff like that, but that’s not what I talking about. I mean my general, overall need for sexual release. There were spans of days when I didn’t have more than a passing desire for sex. I could handle days like that easily. There were other spans of days where I needed it fairly badly, but wasn’t desperate. Then, there were days like this one, when my entire body was on fire with desperate need. I’d noticed that my differing levels of need didn’t usually shift quickly; they sort of changed gradually, each state lasting

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a few days. That’s what I meant by “that time of the month.” Maybe it had something to do with the moon. After all, wasn’t a woman’s “time of the month” somehow hooked to the phases of the moon? The tides certainly were. Maybe a lot of things were, so why not sexual desire? Okay, maybe it’s a crazy theory, but that’s how I thought about it sometimes. When I was in my hyper-aroused state, I kind of felt like a werewolf, dangerous to myself and others. I really shouldn’t have spent any time with Nate when I was in that state. It was a foolish risk. What I needed was to get home, go to my room, and stay there. This wasn’t the time to be exposed to other young males. I trudged through the snow wishing more desperately than ever for a boyfriend. I began to think more about Blake, too. It was just sex with him, but I needed it. The warmth of home felt good. The feeling began to slowly creep back into my fingers as I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a hot cup of coffee. I wasn’t a big coffee fan, but I was chilled to the bone, and it was already sitting there. I wrinkled my nose at the slightly bitter taste. I added several spoonfuls of sugar. That improved it, but it still wasn’t quite my thing. It was weird, I love to smell coffee, but I wasn’t much into drinking it. At least it was hot. That alone was an attractive feature. I peeled off my sweater. The shirt underneath was soaked with sweat. No wonder I was so damn cold. I took another sip from the cup then poured the rest down the drain. I headed upstairs to my room. I needed to get into some dry clothes. Tim was lying on his bed, his hands behind his head, just staring off into nothing. “I see you’re putting Christmas vacation to good use,” I said, peeling off my shirt. Tim gazed at me, his eyes lingering on my chest for a moment before they locked onto my own. “I think this is putting my time to very good use,” he said, stretching. I shivered. “What have you been doing, big bro?” “I was playing football with Nate in the park.” “Are you crazy? It’s freezing out.” “We were plenty warm playing, but now … brrr. Damn, even my boxers are soaked with sweat.” I pulled down my pants which were in a sorry state. They had to go in the wash for sure. My boxers were damp and chill. I pushed them down to my ankles

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and kicked them away. Despite the chill, I had a semi. I rummaged through my underwear drawer for flannel boxers. In moments I pulled a pair out in triumph. I caught Tim staring at me as I pulled them on, not only at me, but at my stuff. He wasn’t just looking, he was looking hard. I pretended not to notice. Guys were always checking out other guys after all. I’d have thought he would’ve seen my stuff often enough that he wouldn’t bother looking anymore. It wasn’t as though I was modest around him. I pulled on a pair of navy-blue sweatpants next and then a pair of socks. Yeah, that was much better. I kept an eye on Tim while I was dressing. The mirror on the dresser let me observe him without him knowing it. The way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable. I pulled a t-shirt from the closet and slipped it on and then my favorite flannel shirt, an old brown one that was incredibly comfy. I finally began to feel warm. I turned my eyes back to Tim, and he was still gazing at me. He looked me right in the eyes. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Brendan and the other queers, haven’t you?” he asked. “Yeah, so what?” “You seem to like those gay boys more than your other friends.” “Are you trying to say something, little brother? If so, just say it.” “Are you gay, Shawn?” I froze. Tim’s question blindsided me. Maybe I should’ve seen it coming, but I didn’t. I swallowed involuntarily and fought to keep my eyes from darting about. “Where’s Dad?” I asked. “Out drinking with some buddies.” I walked over and closed the bedroom door and then looked back at Tim. “So, are you gay, Shawn? You didn’t answer me.” “I have a girlfriend.” “That’s not an answer.” “Why are you asking me this?” Tim paused for several long moments. He just sat there, staring at me. “Because I am,” he said at last. “WHAT?” I could not believe my ears. “Because I’m gay.” Tim stood and looked at me nervously. I could see the tension in his muscles. He had a fight- or-flight look in his eyes. “You’re seriously telling me you’re gay? You like guys instead of girls?”

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“Yes,” said Tim, swallowing hard. “So … are you?” There was another long pause while I weighed the possible outcomes. I was reeling from Tim’s revelation. Perhaps he was trying to trick me into revealing myself. If so, I was in perilous danger, but Tim had changed, hadn’t he? We’d become closer. There was real fear in his eyes, too. My little brother was afraid of me, afraid I’d jump him and start beating him. “Yes. I am,” I said at last. There was another long pause. My mind was spinning. I’d never thought I’d admit to my little brother that I was gay. That was nothing to finding out Tim was gay, though. “Wow,” said Tim. “Yeah, wow.” “I never suspected. Well, not before you started hanging out with Brendan and his crowd, but still …” “I never suspected you for a moment.” “I’m glad you’re gay, Shawn.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Have you ever been with a guy—had sex, I mean?” asked Tim. “Yes.” “Who?” “I don’t want to discuss my sex life with you, Tim. It’s personal.” “Was it Brendan?” “No! He has a boyfriend!” “Sorry. I’d do it with Brendan. He’s so hot. He has such a nice ass. What’s wrong?” Tim had obviously noted that the color had drained from my face. “It just freaks me out to be talking to you about stuff like this. You know, we’re going to have to be extremely careful about what we say. If Dad ever heard …” “Yeah, I remember the beating he gave us for skinny-dipping way back.” “He said if he found out one of his sons was queer, he’d kill him. You haven’t forgotten that, have you?” “How could I?” asked Tim. “I’ve been living in fear ever since. I’ve always been afraid that he’d somehow find out about me. That’s why I’ve worked so hard to hide what I am.” “Me, too, little brother.” “So, does Brendan know about you?” “Yeah, Brendan, Casper and the rest of the gay crowd.”

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“What about Casey?” “She knows.” “And she’s cool with that?” “Yes.” I didn’t tell Tim that Casey was gay, too. That was her secret, not mine. “I’ve seen you two making out. You seemed into it.” “I was.” “So you’re bi?” “No, but I like kissing Casey. We’re close friends.” “Oooookaaaaay,” said Tim. “Seriously. We mainly kiss for show. Casey helps me hide out by posing as my girlfriend.” “Smart move.” “Yeah, we thought so.” “Isn’t it kind of rough on her, though? Everyone thinks she’s your girlfriend, so she can’t get with another guy.” “It’s a temporary arrangement,” I said, uncomfortably. “So … I’m gay and you’re gay,” said Tim. He let his statement hang in the air. “Yeah.” “So …” Tim was gazing at me, and I had little doubt about the next words out of his mouth, although I hoped I was wrong. “Do you think we could … mess around?” “Mess around?” “Yeah, you know … mess around. You’ve got a real nice body, Shawn.” “Tim, no, don’t go there.” “Why not?” “Because we’re brothers.” “So?” “So? We’re brothers.” “You said that already. Listen, we’re both into guys, so why can’t we help each other out? I don’t know about you, but I’m more than willing. I’ve wanted you for a long, long time, Shawn. I want you to be my first.” “Tim, we can’t … I can’t … It’s just not right.” “Why not? I could understand if we were straight and brother and sister. Yeah, we could make a baby, then, and it might not come out right. We don’t have that risk; we’re both guys.” “I just … I can’t think of you like that. You’re my little brother. I don’t want to think of you like that.”

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“I think of you like that. Listen, if you don’t want to do me, it’s okay. I’ll do you, and you don’t have to do anything in return.” “No, Tim.” “I know you want it. You obviously need it,” said Tim, giving a meaningful glance at the front of my sweatpants. There was a noticeable bulge in them. I did need it. I needed it so badly I ached for release. I was shaky, and I felt as if I might just burst into flames. I couldn’t do it with Tim, though; I just couldn’t. He was a very attractive guy, but he was my brother. I couldn’t get past that. “We can’t, Tim.” “But I love you!” “I love you, too, Tim, and that’s one reason we can’t. Sex changes things, Tim. We’ve just become friends again. We’ve just become close. For so long we were enemies, but now we’re truly brothers again. I don’t want to mess that up.” “It doesn’t have to mess anything up!” “But it will change things.” “Maybe it will change things for the better.” “It doesn’t matter. The answer is ‘no.’” “But I really love you, Shawn. I’m in love with you! Don’t you get it?” “We can’t work out, not like that,” I said. I found it hard to speak. I was shocked by Tim’s words, not so much by his desire for me, but by his announcement that he was in love with me. I didn’t want to hurt him, but what he wanted could not be. Tears welled up in Tim’s eyes. “But I need you.” “I’m here for you, Tim. I’ll always be here for you.” I walked to Tim and hugged him close, ignoring the stiffness in his pants pressing into my thigh. It wasn’t easy. He was my brother, but my body reacted to it. I wished he’d picked any time other than this to reveal himself to me. I was powerfully drawn to him, but I would not cross a line that could hurt us both. A few minutes of physical pleasure just wasn’t worth it. There was far too much to lose. Tim cried on my shoulder. I held him and petted his hair as he let out his pain. I didn’t know where things would go from here, but one thing was for sure, I’d help my little brother all I could.

Brendan

Casper was sitting beside the fire reading when I returned. He immediately put down his book and gave me the hug I so desperately needed. He kissed me, and then we sat side by side on the loveseat. “How did it go?” “As well as could be expected, I guess. My father was a complete jerk, of course. I don’t think I ever realized growing up what a control freak he was. I really can’t believe he’s my father. Maybe I’m illegitimate or adopted or something.” “And your mom?” “I think I kind of got through to her. Part of me is so pissed off I can barely stand the sight of her, but another part of me understands. It can’t be easy to live with my father. I never realized how bad it was for her, but I guess I just wasn’t paying attention. I think she’s afraid of Father. I think she just does what he wants so she won’t have to deal with him.” “Do you mean he’s violent?” “Not exactly. I don’t think he’d hurt her or anything like that, but I think he bullies her. She should have stood up to my father and prevented him from sending me away, but I think she just wasn’t capable. I forgave her and told her I wanted her to be a part of my life. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.” Casper held me as we looked into the flames. It was amazing how safe I felt in his arms. I began to grow sleepy sitting there, but I didn’t want to let myself drift off. - 113 -

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“So, what else is on the agenda today?” I asked. “I want to visit my parents’ graves,” said Casper quietly. “Would you like me to go with you, or would you rather do it alone?” I asked. “I’d like you to come with me. I want them to see us together. Well, I guess they can’t exactly see us, but you know what I mean.” “They can see us, Casper. I bet they can see us anytime they want.” “Yeah. I always felt like Mom could see and hear me when I visited her grave. I went there a lot when I lived with Dad and Jason. Some nights, when I was afraid to sleep in my room, I slept by Mom’s grave. It made me feel safer, even though I was in the middle of a graveyard.” “Let’s go visit your parents,” I said. We bundled up and headed out. It was not a long drive to the cemetery. I parked the car, and Casper led me to his mother’s grave. There was a more recent one right beside it. “I figured they’d bury him by Mom,” said Casper. Casper didn’t say anything more for a while. He just stood there gazing at the tombstones. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder. “I always loved my mom,” said Casper finally. “It’s odd, though. After she died, my dad seemed to stop caring about me, and pretty soon I stopped caring about him, too, until the end.” “Maybe he was afraid to care,” I said. “Maybe losing your mom hurt him so much he was afraid to care about you and Jason anymore because it would hurt too much to lose you.” “Yeah, I think you’re right. I’ve given it a lot of thought since he died. When I was holding him, and he knew he was dying, it was as though he loved me again, like things were back the way they were before Mom died. He wasn’t afraid anymore, because he knew he was going to die first. He loved me at the end, and I loved him.” “I think he always loved you, Casper. He was just afraid to let himself feel it.” “I don’t know. There were sure times he didn’t seem to love me, especially when he was drunk …” Casper shuddered. “Just remember the good times, Casper, and that your dad loved you in the end.” “That’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to remember the bad times. Things got so screwed up after Mom died. Jason turned into such a monster. It was as if he blamed me for Mom’s death.”

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“Things are better with your brother now, too,” I said. “Remember that. I can’t say in all honesty that I completely believe him, but he sure seems to have changed.” “I think he has. I think he’s truly sorry for what he did to me, and I forgive him. I’m just glad all that’s over and I have you now.” “We’ll always be together, Casper.” “I sure hope so. That’s what I want.” “Let’s not let anything pull us apart,” I said. “Deal.” Casper turned to me, smiled, and kissed me. He looked back at the graves of his parents, and then we walked away, hand in hand. We climbed back in the car, and I turned the heater on full blast. It took the interior of the Cutlass a bit to warm up, but it sure felt good. “Could we stop by the house?” asked Casper. “Of course we can, but are you sure you want to?” I asked. The last time we’d been in that house Casper’s brother, Jason, had tried to kill us both. The last time Casper had been in his old room, he’d held his dying father in his arms. “I’m sure.” We drove the short distance to Casper’s old home. It was still there. I half expected it to have been demolished in his absence. It was quite a wreck after all. The door was standing open, and we stepped inside. The interior was dimly lit, but I’d thought ahead and pulled flashlights out of the trunk of the car. We used them to explore what had once been Casper’s old home. “Mom’s rocking chair! It’s still here!” said Casper. He rushed across the room and ran his hand lovingly along the arm of the chair, an oak rocking chair from days long gone by. “Mom used to sit in this chair and hold me. I can remember her sitting here and rocking me. She loved this chair.” “Why don’t we take it home?” I asked. “Can we?” “Of course. It’s yours, anyway.” “I hadn’t really thought of that,” said Casper. We walked through the house, which was just as we’d left it on the night we ran from Pigeon Crossing. Well, not just as we left it; Casper’s dad and Jason were gone, and a few windows had been broken out by vandals. We entered the bedroom Casper had once shared with his brother. The closet door still lay in ruins. I could picture shoving Jason into it while we fought, as if it had happened yesterday. I remembered everything about that night clearly,

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especially Jason pointing the barrel of a shotgun at me. I thought I was about to die. I remembered hearing the gun go off, thinking I’d been shot, going so far as to look down at my chest, but there was no pain, no blood. I hadn’t been shot at all. Casper’s dad had saved me by shooting his own son. He paid for it with his life, for Jason turned and fired at him at almost the same instant. Jason survived; his father did not. Casper stood staring at the spot where his father had died. His eyes glistened with tears. “He’s in Heaven now, Casper. He’s not in pain anymore. You told him you loved him before it was too late. He died knowing you loved him, and now he’s with your mom.” “Thanks, Brendan,” said Casper. “Let’s get out of here.” We left the house, stopping only to gather the rocking chair that was so dear to Casper. It just barely fit in the back seat, but I’d have driven all the way home to Verona with it tied on top of the car if need be. We drove away from Casper’s old home, leaving it in the past where it belonged. Casper’s home, like mine, wasn’t in Pigeon Crossing anymore. Our home was far to the north where we were valued and loved, in Verona. The hours on this Christmas Eve had fast slipped away from us. Only the darkening sky gave me a clue that evening had come. We’d skipped lunch without thinking, a testament no doubt to the Peach Tree B&B’s excellent and sizable breakfast. My stomach was beginning to rumble, however, and my mind was filled with visions of food. “Pizza?” I asked, turning to Casper. “Yes!” he said. Sometimes we possessed a wondrous economy with words. Sometimes we needed no words at all to communicate. Casper and I had grown to know each other well. I pulled up in front of Papa’s Pizza, and we dashed inside. The heavenly aromas of oregano and pepperoni filled my nostrils. “What are you in the mood for?” I asked. “Lots of cheese and lots of toppings,” said Casper. “I’m famished.” Our waitress was fast approaching, pen in hand. “I’ll order, you stop me if you disapprove,” I said. “What can I get you boys?” asked our waitress “We’ll have a large, deep dish pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni, black olives, Italian sausage, green peppers, and peperoncini,” I said. “And to drink?”

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“Coke for me.” “I’ll have a Coke, too,” said Casper. The waitress whisked away with our order. It couldn’t arrive soon enough for me. The scents of Papa’s had increased my hunger tenfold. “Oh!” I said. “We should have invited Brad and Stacey!” “There’s still time,” said Casper, pointing to a pay phone. “Go for it,” I said. Pigeon Crossing is not a large place, and Brad and Stacey were sitting in our booth by the time our pizza arrived. I ordered a second large pizza because I knew the first would soon be demolished. “How has your day been?” asked Brad. “Eventful,” I said. “We visited what’s left of the Cloverdale Center, the graves of Casper’s mom and dad, and Casper’s old house.” Stacey reached across the table and squeezed Casper’s hand. He smiled at her. “The big event, for me at least, was visiting my parents.” “How did that go?” asked Brad. “Not good, but not bad. My father ordered me out of the house and was completely unreasonable. I think Mom might be coming around, though.” “I’ll work on her for you,” said Stacey. “Thanks,” I said and grinned. “I’m through with my father,” I said, “but enough said about that. I don’t want to ruin our evening. I got what I needed to say off my chest, which is what this trip was all about. I’m ready to move on. Hopefully, my mom will be a part of my life, but, if not, I’ll deal with it. I’ve got Casper after all.” Casper smiled sweetly. With him in my life I felt like I could face anything. We left unpleasant topics behind, and for a few minutes it was as if we were all still back in school together—only better, because Casper was safe. As much as I enjoyed the companionship of Brad and Stacey, I wasn’t sorry that we’d soon leave Pigeon Crossing behind, perhaps for good this time. The life I lived in Verona was so much better than anything I’d ever had in Kentucky that I had no regrets. ✶

✶

✶

✶

I filled the tub with hot water and added peach-scented bath crystals furnished by the B&B. It’d been a long day, and I was ready to relax. When the tub was nearly filled I called Casper into the bathroom. We undressed and slipped into the old-fashioned tub together. It was pure bliss.

Brendan

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I lay with my back against the end of the tub and Casper’s back on my chest. I wrapped my arms around him as we enjoyed the soothing hot water and pleasant peach aroma. I wondered if I’d ever smell a peach again without thinking of the Peach Tree Bed & Breakfast. “It’ll be Christmas in a few hours,” said Casper. “If we were home, we’d have already opened all our presents by now.” “You know, I’d almost forgotten. Maybe that’s because we won’t be celebrating it until we return to Verona.” “We can celebrate it a little,” said Casper. “Yeah, I just mean we won’t be opening presents, and Santa won’t be filling your stocking until we get back.” “Our stockings.” “You mean Santa isn’t leaving me out?” “He’d never do that, Babe,” said Casper, turning his head to kiss me. “Mmmm,” I said. “You know, the only real problem with being away from home on Christmas is we don’t get to open a present early,” said Casper. “Oh, I’ve got a present for you, and I’m gonna give it to you right after this bath.” “Do I get to unwrap it?” “Only if I put a towel around my waist.” “You’re just a little bit wicked,” said Casper. “And you love it.” “You have no idea.” “You just better have something for me, too.” “Oh, I’ve got something for you, Babe, and you’re gonna love it.” “Don’t I always?” I said. “Okay, bath’s over. Let’s go to bed!” “But I’m not sleepy,” I said, mischievously. “Good, because you’re going to be up for hours yet.” “Oh, baby!”

Dane

There was just no escaping it, or believe me I would’ve. I was seated directly across from Janice Hauser in The Rose Café. I don’t know if the presence of Billy and Rue made the situation more bearable or not. Rue did a lot of talking, which relieved me of the task of thinking of things to say. Having an audience made me uncomfortable, though. I was all too aware of Billy and Rue watching me for signs of interest in Janice. I was all confused about how to act. If I pretended to be too interested in Janice, I might get roped into a second date. If I showed too little interest, everyone might begin to suspect I was queer. If I hadn’t been so afraid of the consequences I would have announced to everyone I was gay just to escape what was becoming an increasingly uncomfortable situation. Was this what my life was going to be like? Would I be forced into one disastrous date after another by well-meaning, but clueless friends? I’d heard that the older guys got, the more women wanted them. It was something to do with there being more women than men. To me that meant that my predicament would only grow worse as the years passed. I was on my very first date with a girl, and we’d only been there five minutes, but I hated it already. “Billy mentioned something about you being an artist,” said Rue, prodding me to talk to Janice. “I wouldn’t say that. I like to draw and sometimes paint, but I’m not that good.” “Oh, yes, he is,” said Billy. “I’ve seen some of his drawings.” Billy turned to me. “You should go to art school, dude.” - 119 -

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“Actually, I have thought about it, but I’m not sure what I want to do yet. College is a long way away.” “It’s not that far off,” said Janice. “A couple of years, and we’ll all be in college somewhere.” “I’m having a hard time picturing that,” said Rue. “It’s going to be so weird not going to high school.” “Well, we’ve got a couple of years left, so we don’t need to worry about it now,” said Billy. Janice smiled at me, and I smiled back. She was so not my type. She was pretty enough, but she was a girl. Even if I was into girls, I don’t know if I would’ve gone for her. I didn’t care for her red hair all that much. Her blue eyes were pretty, but … I guess I couldn’t be a good judge. I wasn’t attracted to girls, so there was no way I could tell if I’d find her attractive if I was into them, if you know what I mean. I wished Rue and I could switch dates. I allowed myself a little daydream in which Billy and I were dating the girls for show, but were secretly a couple. We’d take them home, then go somewhere quiet and make out. I sighed. My daydream was only that and nothing more, a dream that would never be realized. I thought of Brendan and Casper, so happy with each other. Now why couldn’t I have a relationship like that? Life was so unfair. How could I even hope to find a boyfriend when I had to pretend to like girls? If all of us gay boys could be out, then we would know who was available and wouldn’t have to waste our time wondering. I lived in a truly messed up world. Why did sexual orientation have to be such a big deal? I know some people went on about how homosexuality was a crime against God. Pardon me, but that was just bullshit, plain and simple. As far as I knew, the Bible didn’t say that at all. Even if it did, it said a lot of stuff, like how a father could sell his daughter into slavery if he wanted. There was also something in there about how anyone who worked on Sunday was to be put to death. If that was so, then why wasn’t everyone out killing whoever they found working on Sunday? The mere fact the Bible said something like that made me doubt the whole book. We’re supposed to be guided by a book that says it’s okay to sell your daughter into slavery? Get real! Okay, I’m not really religious, so maybe I was missing something, but, still, saying that God hated gays was just bullshit. Supper lasted forever. Despite the fact that I sat there repeating to myself, ‘Please don’t order dessert; please don’t order dessert,” everyone did. Billy, Rue, and even Janice seemed to be having a good time, but I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

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I felt like a dick for not being honest with Janice. She was actually pretty cool, and I felt like I was making a fool out of her by going on a date with her. Then again, it’s not like I wanted to be there, and I could hardly say, “I’m sorry, we can’t go on a date because I’m gay.” Well, I guess I could’ve said that, but I’d probably get my butt kicked at school on a daily basis if I did. Janice held my hand as we walked behind Billy and Rue. She smiled at me, increasing my discomfort. “I’m so glad I let Rue talk me into meeting you. You’re such a sweet guy. It’s so hard to find a nice boy.” Janice didn’t know it, but she was working overtime making me feel like a complete and total jerk. “Thanks,” I said. “You’re really nice, too.” Janice lit up like Billy did when his eyes fell on Rue. I was really going to have to watch what I said. I was up to my neck in trouble, and a wave was coming. She looked at me expectantly. “It sure is cold out,” I said. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but I couldn’t encourage her. Our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. “Would you like to go out again?” she asked. I very nearly swore out loud. It was the exact question I did not want her to ask. No matter what I did now, I was screwed. “I … I … no. I can’t. I’m … just not ready.” Janice tried to hide her disappointment, but it was clearly written on her face. Please don’t start crying. Please don’t start crying. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she sniffled. Rue shot me a glare and dropped back by Janice. I fell back, and Billy joined me. He glared at me. Great, now everyone hates me. “Billy, I’m going to take Janice home. I’ll call you later.” The plan, which I’d been dreading, was for us to split up and for me to walk Janice home while Billy went off with Rue. In hindsight, I wish we would have split up just a little sooner, then I wouldn’t have had to endure Rue’s icy gaze or Billy’s glare. There would’ve still been Janice’s tears to deal with, but at least I wouldn’t have been outnumbered. I guess that would’ve only been postponing the inevitable, because Janice would’ve called Rue, and Rue would’ve told Billy, so it would’ve been much the same in the end. Still, when the girls walked off and Billy turned on me, I wished we had split up earlier. At least maybe then everyone would’ve had time to calm down. “Thanks a lot, Dane. Rue and I were going back to the house to make out and who knows what else. Why did you have to go and do that for?”

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“She’s not my type, and I let her down easy, didn’t I? I told her I just wasn’t ready to start dating.” “Yeah, and now she’s crying on Rue’s shoulder, and Rue will blame me for the whole thing because you’re my friend.” “Well, I didn’t want to go on this stupid date from the beginning!” “Then why didn’t you say something?” “Because you were determined to make me go!” “Dude, what is up with you? I was just trying to get you a girlfriend.” “Thanks, Billy, but don’t put me in that spot again.” “I just don’t get it,” said Billy. It was clear from the look on his face that he didn’t understand. How could he? We stomped along in silence for a while. I felt completely miserable. Billy and Rue were pissed off, Janice was hurt, and the whole situation rubbed salt in my own wounds. I just wanted a boyfriend. I just wanted someone to love and to love me back. Sometimes, it seemed like everyone in the world had someone but me. Watching Billy date Rue made it ten times worse. Seeing them together made me want to cry. “I just don’t get it,” Billy repeated on a cold, lonely stretch of sidewalk. “I know Janice isn’t a beauty queen, but she’s pretty hot.” “I’m not ready to date.” “You just told me that’s what you told her, so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt.” “Well, yeah, but it’s also true.” “I don’t understand. What’s so tough about dating? You go out, have fun, and then get some action if you’re lucky. Man, I was looking forward to some time with Rue. I bet she would’ve given me head.” “So call her when you get home.” “It won’t do any good. She’ll be pissed off and not in the mood. This is all your fault.” “No!” I shouted. “It’s all your fault for pushing me into this! I didn’t want to go, okay?” “Dude, what’s wrong with you?” Billy sounded more worried than angry. “I’m just tired of everybody trying to make me …” That’s when it happened. That’s when I began to tear up. I should’ve just run away right then and there, but I couldn’t. I was blinded by my tears. I looked up into Billy’s eyes. “I’m not like you, okay?” Tears were rolling down my cheeks, and Billy looked truly concerned. “What do you mean?”

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“Do you know how bad I want to be with someone?” I asked, sobbing. “Do you know what it’s like to be alone and know you’ll probably be alone for the rest of your life?” “Dane, if you want to find someone, you’ve got to get out there and try. I’ll help you. So today didn’t work out. I’ll get Rue to find you another girl.” “You don’t understand at all,” I said, crying harder than ever. “Dane, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” “I can’t tell you!” I said, shaking my head and making a huge spectacle of myself by bawling. I was crying so hard it was a wonder I could get the words out. “I don’t understand. Why can’t you tell me?” “Because I don’t want to lose you, too,” I said. “I don’t want anyone to know and least of all you.” Billy grabbed my upper arms and stared into my eyes. “Just tell me!” “I’m gay, okay? I’m gay! Are you fucking happy now!” I turned and ran away, stumbling because I could barely see through my tears. My whole life was over. I just knew it. Billy would hate me for sure now. He’d tell everyone, and then they’d come to get me.

Shawn

Christmas Day wasn’t a big thrill. Dad gave Tim and me each twenty bucks out of his wallet, said, “Merry Christmas,” and that was it. I wasn’t bothered by the lack of festivities too much, however, because I was looking forward to celebrating Christmas on the Selby farm in a few days. Brendan and Casper were down in Kentucky, so the Selby Christmas celebration was being postponed for a while. Tim was going with me; that’s one good thing that came from him coming out to me. I no longer had to worry about him freaking out over being surrounded by gay boys. He was one of them. I was a little concerned he might try to put the moves on one of the guys, because my little brother was quite the horn dog. Despite the fact that I told him I didn’t feel that way about him, he’d been trying to seduce me. More than once he’d come right out and asked if he could blow me. Mostly, however, he paraded his half-naked body in front of me and made sure I got a good look at him bending over or flexing his muscles. When Tim was at his boldest, I told him to knock it off. At other times I just tried to ignore him, which wasn’t easy. If Tim hadn’t been my brother, I would’ve jumped on him in a flash. He was definitely hot, but I don’t want to get into details. I felt like a real pervert because he actually managed to turn me on. There was no way I was going to have sex with him, though, no matter how badly I needed it or how badly he wanted it. It was a line I just wasn’t comfortable crossing. Maybe other brothers did stuff like that, but I just couldn’t. I did love my little brother, though, and we’d become good friends. I was pleased I was able to invite him to the Selby Christmas so he’d have it to look forward to, as well. I sat at my desk wrapping a few Christmas presents for Tim - 124 -

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while he was in the shower. I didn’t have a lot of money to spare, but I’d actually found quite a lot for him by shopping at Goodwill and other resale stores. In addition to the leather jacket I’d purchased for him earlier, I’d found a few more things. I was extremely pleased with the three sweaters, four long-sleeved shirts, and two pair of jeans I’d picked up for him. The whole lot cost me under $15, and they were just as good as new. I’d long been purchasing my clothes used, and no one had a clue. I’d also found a few cassette tapes and other little gifts I knew he’d like. I had to halt my wrapping because Tim came out of the shower wearing only a towel. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise by letting him see anything unwrapped. “Who are those for?” he asked, indicated the brightly wrapped packages and the small stack of unwrapped boxes. “This one is for Casey,” I said, pointing to a green- and-red-striped box with a white ribbon. “This one is for Brendan and Casper, and this one is for Ethan and Nathan,” I said as I pointed first to a box wrapped in blue paper covered with teddy bears and then to one wrapped in green paper covered with pine cones. “The rest of them are for you.” “For me?” “Yeah, but you only get to open one today. I’m taking the rest to the Selbys.” “Thanks, Shawn,” said Tim. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was really touched. “I got you a couple of presents, too. They aren’t very good because, well, I’m poor.” “I’m sure I’ll like anything you got me,” I said. “It’s the thought that counts anyway, and I very much appreciate the thought.” Tim walked to me and gave me a hug. “I love you,” he said. “I love you, too, little bro.” Tim kissed me on the lips. I let him. It was just a light kiss. He tried to deepen it, but I pulled away. “Now, get yourself dressed, and I’ll let you open a present; then I’m taking you out for lunch.” “You know what I really want for Christmas, Shawn?” “Don’t go there, Tim.” Tim smiled sadly and dressed. I wrapped another present while I was waiting. It was in a plain cardboard box, so there was no risk Tim would see what was inside. Tim was ready in less than five minutes. I handed him a box wrapped in green paper covered with Santas and reindeer. He tore it open revealing the cassette tapes I’d found him.

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“Wow! REO Speedwagon, Queen, Pink Floyd, and Styx!” he said, looking through them. “And I don’t have any of these!” “Of course not. I raided your tape collection and wrote down the album titles.” “Thanks, Shawn!” Tim hugged me and I grinned. It had been a long time since I’d experienced the pleasure of making him happy. “I just got you a couple of things. You want to open one now or wait?” “I’ll wait,” I said. “I’m getting hungry. I skipped breakfast.” “I’m ready when you are.” “Let’s go.” Ofarim’s was closed for the day, so I drove Tim to Café Moffatt. I was really in the mood for breakfast anyway. While Ofarim’s had the best ice cream and burgers, Café Moffatt had the best pancakes and French toast around. While Ofarim’s had a rock & roll theme, the ambiance of Café Moffatt could best be described as Verona nostalgia. There were all kinds of old class photos, sports uniforms, and pictures of old Verona buildings on the walls. There were trophies here and there and lots of old stuff from way back in Verona history. I liked the feel of the place. “Order anything you want, it’s on me,” I said. “Thanks, Shawn.” Our waitress brought glasses of ice water. “You boys ready?” “I am,” I said. “Yeah,” said Tim. I nodded for him to order first. “I think I’ll have the farmer’s breakfast and coffee,” said Tim. “You are hungry,” said the waitress. The farmer’s breakfast was absolutely huge. It’d been nicknamed The Feeding Frenzy by us locals. “I’ll have pecan pancakes, bacon, hash browns, and … um … biscuits—oh, and hot tea and chocolate milk.” Our waitress, Kathleen, departed and was quickly back with Tim’s coffee and my hot tea. Both Tim and I loaded down our beverages with lots of sugar. Tim liked cream in his coffee, but I preferred my tea without. “You know, we have absolutely nothing to do today,” I said. “Nice, isn’t it?” “Yeah, it sure is. I’ll be so glad when school’s out for the summer.” “I hate to tell you this, big bro, but summer is months away.”

Shawn

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“True,” I said. I sat and listened to ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’ wafting through the air and gazed at the wreaths and paper Christmas decorations spread throughout the café. I was facing away from it now, but I’d noticed the gaily decorated tree near the entrance and a Santa’s village scene painted on the front windows as we’d entered. Yeah, it was definitely not summer, but that was okay because there was a certain magic to Christmas. “I wish Mom was with us,” said Tim. “Yeah, me, too, but I guess we just need to appreciate what we’ve got. We could be a whole lot worse off, like Tom.” “Yeah, well, he more than brought that on himself.” “I bet he truly hates me now,” I said. “Knowing Tom, I’d say yes, but he’d be in even deeper shit if it wasn’t for you. I bet he would’ve killed Brendan if you hadn’t stopped him. That was a smart move letting the air out of Tom’s tires to slow him down.” “I was scared shitless while I was doing it. I just knew he’d come out and blow me away or at least kick the crap out of me.” “Yeah, I dunno if I would’ve had the balls.” “You know, this is going to sound weird, but I feel … I dunno … sad, upset, something like that because Tom hates me. I mean, he is my brother.” “Some brother. I’m glad he’s locked up. I for one was more than tired of getting my ass kicked.” “When he was home I thought you two were buds.” “Hardly,” said Tim. “It’s more like I was his bitch. That’s why I sided with him against you all the time. I was afraid not to. Any time I didn’t do what he said, he hurt me, so I learned pretty fast to just do what I was told.” “He didn’t … molest you or anything, did he?” I asked. “No, nothing like that. He might’ve if he wasn’t such a big ole homophobe, but he didn’t. Getting beat on was more than enough, though.” “I’m sorry. I should have done more to help you.” “How would you have done that, Shawn? You know Tom and Dad were all buddy-buddy with each other. If you would’ve tried to stand up to Tom, they would’ve teamed up and slapped you down hard. All you would’ve done is gotten your ass whipped. It wouldn’t have changed anything.” “You’re probably right.” “Of course I am. I didn’t make it to fifteen by being an idiot.” “You sure?” “Shut up!” said Tim, laughing.

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It was a perfect Christmas Day after all. Sitting talking with my brother as friends was all it took. There had been a time when we were more enemies than anything else, but things were finally back to the way they should have been all along. What were the odds of us both being gay? If our father knew, he’d truly freak out. He wasn’t going to find out, however, and if he did, I’d grab Tim and we’d run for it. In the near future I intended to tell Tim that Ethan & company would help us run if the need arose. Just knowing that made me feel a good deal better. Our lunch or breakfast, or whatever you want to call it, arrived. It filled most of the table between us. The farmer’s breakfast included biscuits & gravy, ham, sausage, bacon, hash browns, pancakes, three eggs, and toast. I’d ordered quite a large breakfast, but Tim’s dwarfed it. It looked like we just might be in Café Moffatt all day, because it would take that long to finish our meals. We ate and talked while ‘Jingle Bells,’ ‘Deck the Halls,’ and ‘White Christmas’ played in the background. I hadn’t had such a good time in a long time. “You know, Christmas is a very violent season,” said Tim. “What are you talking about?” “Well, there’s Santa Claws,” said Tim, curling his fingers and slashing through the air. “And then there’s that song, ‘Deck the Halls.’ I don’t know who the Halls are, but why do they need decking anyway? I mean, what did they do? Then, there’s that line in that other song, ‘It came upon a midnight clear.’ It obviously refers to some kind of monster that will rip your guts out.” “You are a strange, strange boy,” I said, laughing. “I take after my big brother, Shawn,” said Tim, smiling. There were long spaces of silence where we focused on stuffing ourselves. It was a companionable silence, however, and I enjoyed sitting there with Tim. We spent hours each day only feet from each other, but most of that time we were sleeping. The remainder of those hours was spent studying or doing whatever. At those times neither of us was much more significant than any piece of furniture in the room. I had the feeling that was about to change. I just plain liked Tim better now than I had in the past. We were in Café Moffatt nearly two hours. Once our vast meals were finished, we lingered over coffee and hot tea while the snow gently fell outside. At last, I stretched and yawned. “You look tired,” remarked Tim. “Your grasp of the obvious remains unchallenged.” “Wanna go home and sleep together,” said Tim quietly and with a smirk on his face.

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“I want to sleep, as in a nap, alone, but you’re free to sleep at the same time if you wish.” “I was hoping for something a little different,” said Tim. I shook my head and grabbed the check. “Come on,” I said, “let’s go home.” ✶

✶

✶

✶

Sleep I did. I took a good, long winter’s nap. It was going on three when we made it back home, and I didn’t awaken until after five. I looked across the room. Tim was still snoozing away. “Shit,” I said to myself. “I was supposed to call Casey.” I jumped up, pulled on some clothes, and ran downstairs to the phone. “You’re late,” said Casey as soon as she answered. “Sorry, I fell asleep.” “I’ll forgive you since it’s Christmas, but only if you get that cute little butt of yours over here right now.” I made it to Casey’s in record time. I hit her with my best puppy-dog eyes and held a small box wrapped with green- and-red-striped paper out to her. “You’re so pathetic,” she said and then kissed me for the benefit of her parents who were standing near. “Let’s go to my room,” she said. “Leave your door open!” yelled her mother as Casey dragged me upstairs. If Casey’s parents only knew how little they had to worry about … Casey unwrapped her present. It was a little teddy bear on a gold chain. “Shawn, this is too much. It looks expensive!” “It was, for whoever bought it new. I found it at the resale shop, so relax. When I saw it, I thought of you.” “You are the best boyfriend ever,” said Casey. “Hmm, is that a compliment or not?” I asked. “It is. Now, open your present.” Casey held out a small red- and-green-plaid package with a hunter-green bow. I took it and tore off the wrapping. “Now this is too much,” I said, pulling out a bottle of my favorite cologne. “I know someone who works in a department store. She gets free testers all the time. I buy my perfume from her, and she was able to find your cologne. So you can relax, too.” “Have you seen Sandy today?” I asked.

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“No, I’m meeting her at her aunt’s in a while. I’m telling my parents I’m going out with you tonight.” “You know it’s not every boyfriend who would let you spend time with your girlfriend instead of him.” “It’s not every boyfriend who’s looking for a boyfriend of his own,” giggled Casey. “You’ve got me there.” “How’s your brother?” “Happy, for the moment. I took him out for lunch and gave him one of his Christmas presents.” “Is he still hot for his older brother?” I’d told Casey all about my newest problem, named Tim. “Unfortunately, yes.” “I think it’s kind of sexy.” “Eww. I think it’s kind of sick.” “Don’t be so judgmental.” “Well, sorry, but I have no plans for getting it on with my brother.” “Not even for Christmas?” asked Casey, mischievously. “He was hinting around for just that, but I bought him sweaters instead. He’ll have to make do.” “Just find him a boyfriend and maybe he’ll back off.” “I’d love to, but how can I find him one when I can’t even find one for myself? I truly wish I could; maybe then Tim might be able to tear his eyes away from my ass for a while.” Casey laughed. “Come on, I’ll take you to see Sandy.” Casey pecked me on the lips. “I love you, you know that, don’t you, Shawn?” “And I love you, too. If we were both straight …” “Well, we’re not, but we can still love each other.” “You’re right about that.” “Merry Christmas, Shawn.” “Merry Christmas, Casey.”

Brendan

Christmas day passed without event. Casper and I enjoyed a too-large breakfast at the B&B, then spent the entire day lazing around and exploring our old hometown. We were invited to Brad’s house for Christmas dinner. Stacey was there, of course, as she and Brad had become quite the item in our absence. Brad’s parents accepted Casper and me with open arms. In fact, pretty much the whole town, minus my own parents, had been very accepting since the moment I came out. It was a wonderful thing, but then I think it made the non-acceptance by my parents that much harder to swallow. That was old news, however, and there was no reason to dwell upon it. It was nice to know I could return to Pigeon Crossing any time I wanted and not have to worry about being attacked by my old high-school buddies. They knew all about me, and they didn’t care. Everyone thought Kentucky was backward, but in my little town, at least, such was not the case. The day after Christmas was singularly unpleasant. I should have known something was up when my mother called the B&B and invited Casper and me over. In all fairness, my father had tricked her. Mom was trying to come to terms with my sexual orientation and the fact I had a boyfriend. For her part, the invitation was genuine, and that much good came out of it, but as for the rest … Well, it couldn’t have been much worse. It all started out well enough with my Mom being quite pleasant to both Casper and me. My father was even being mostly civil, which was a vast improvement over my last visit when he’d ordered me out of the house. I should have

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known he was up to something, but I couldn’t just ignore Mom’s invitation. She was obviously extending an olive branch, and that meant a great deal to me. There was a knock at the front door. My father shot a smirk in my direction, and I felt a chill go up my spine. My mother stood to answer, but father told her he’d get it. The shock I experienced moments later nearly made my heart stop. One look at my parents’ visitor was all it took for me to understand just what my father was trying to do to me. “Hello, Brendan.” It was Ellen, from Purity, the one person in all the world I hoped to never see again. Somehow my father had found her. Somehow, he knew. I racked my brains for a moment, and then the answer became obvious. I’d fled Purity with Casper when I found out my picture was on the side of milk cartons. Part of my panic came from the fear someone in town would recognize me and turn me in, but my true terror was that Ellen would see it and blackmail me. I’d done something with Ellen I wasn’t proud of. Ellen wanted more, but I wouldn’t cooperate, and she was the type to take advantage. Now she was standing before me, my confused mother, my smug father, and my boyfriend, who was the one person in the entire world who could never know about Ellen. “I believe you two know each other,” said my father, boring into my eyes with his own. I wondered at that moment how anyone could be so vicious. My father had nothing to gain by bringing Ellen to Pigeon Crossing, except to hurt me. Could he really hate me that much? “I think we’d better go,” I said to Casper. “What’s your hurry?” said my father. “We all need to get acquainted. I’m sure your mother and especially Casper here will want to know all about you and Ellen.” I glared at him. It’s too bad looks couldn’t kill. “You know this woman?” asked my mother. I didn’t answer. “Oh, he knows her,” said father. “He knows her very well.” Both my mom and Casper looked completely confused. I looked into Casper’s eyes and then screwed mine tightly shut for a moment. It was a living nightmare. “Why don’t you tell Casper and your mother how you know Ellen, Brendan?” “I’d rather not,” I said. “I’m sure.” “What do you hope to gain from this?” I asked my father.

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He gave me a smirk. “You came in here saying how you’d gotten everything back we’d taken from you. You told us how much your little boyfriend meant to you, but you were lying, weren’t you? He doesn’t mean anything to you at all.” “That’s a lie!” “Then why did you cheat on him with a woman old enough to be your mother?” My face blanched. “Brendan?” asked Casper, a fearful sob rising in his throat. “It’s not what you think,” I said to Casper on the verge of tears myself. “He’s right, Casper,” said my father. “It’s not what you think. It’s much, much worse.” “What, what’d you mean?” stammered Casper. “Your boyfriend is a whore, Casper. Brendan sold himself to Ellen for money. She paid him for sex.” “What?” shrieked Mom. “That’s right, dear, your perfect son is a whore. He sells his body on the streets.” I felt like a cornered animal. I didn’t know which way to turn. My father was glaring at me with a smirk on his lips, as was Ellen. Mom looked shocked and horrified. Casper looked as if I’d just punched him in the face. “It’s not true, is it?” asked Casper. “It can’t be true. Tell me it isn’t true!” I didn’t say anything. What could I say? “Go ahead, Brendan, tell him it isn’t true,” said my father. I turned to Casper, but I couldn’t lie to him. His lower lip began to tremble. “Oh my God!” he said and burst into tears. “Oh my God!” Casper bolted across the room and out the front door. “Casper? Casper!” I ran after him. I didn’t even stop to tell my father how much I hated him. I just tore out after Casper. He was nearly two blocks away when I caught up with him. I grabbed him by the upper arm and swung him around to face me. “Get away from me!” he screamed, beating on my chest. “Get away from me!” “Casper, please!” “How could you do this? How could you cheat on me? I thought you loved me!” “I do love you, Casper! I love you with all my heart!” “Then why? Tell me why, Brendan!” he pleaded. I swallowed hard. How could I tell him? “You were never supposed to know,” I said.

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“Well, that much is obvious!” “I didn’t want to do it, Casper.” “What are you saying, that that woman in there raped you and then paid you for it?” “No!” “Then what, Brendan?” “Please don’t make me tell you, please!” “You’d better tell me, and you’d better tell me now!” “Let’s go back to our room, and then I’ll—” “No! You tell me right now, Brendan! Right fucking now!” I’d never seen Casper so angry or hurt before. “It happened in Purity,” I said quietly. “I didn’t want to do it, Casper. You’ve got to believe that. But I had to do it. It was when you were sick. I was so worried about you. I thought you were going to die. Remember, when I left you in that barn and walked into Purity? Well, I checked and found out it was $40 for a doctor’s appointment. It was going to take every cent we had to get you in to see a doctor and to get us something to eat. I met Ellen in the diner. She propositioned me. She offered me $40 if I’d let her blow me in the back of her car. I knew I could get us a motel room with that money. I had to get you someplace warm, Casper. I was so afraid I was going to lose you, so I did it. I sold myself. And then, your medicine was so expensive. I had to get it for you quickly. There was only one way I could make that much money that fast, so I sold myself to Ellen again. I didn’t want to do it, Casper, but I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m sorry I did it. I did what I had to do. If I hadn’t, we might both have frozen to death in that barn, and you might have died before I could’ve earned enough money to get your medicine.” “It was for me?” Casper said quietly. “You did that for me?” “I did it for us, Casper. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you then, just like I can’t bear it now.” I was sobbing. I couldn’t help it. “Oh, my God, Brendan, I didn’t know. Oh, my God, you prostituted yourself—for me. I’m so sorry, Brendan. I’m so sorry!” Casper lost it and bawled. I grabbed him and held him close. “Shhhh. Shhhh,” I said. “It’s okay, Baby, it’s all in the past and it was worth it. You got well, and you’ve been the best boyfriend ever. It was worth it.” “But, you had to …” “Don’t think about it, Casper. I’d do anything for you, you know that. I just did what I had to do.”

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“I can’t bear the thought of you … with her … for me …” “Casper, listen, listen to me. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I felt like I’d never be clean after what I did with Ellen, but what worried me the most wasn’t that. It was that someday you’d find out and hate me for it or torture yourself for it.” “Hate you? How could I hate you for that? You sacrificed yourself for me!” “I didn’t know how you’d take it, Casper.” “Oh, God, you had to—” “Shhhh. Shhhh. It’s okay, Baby. I’ve put it in my past, and you have to as well. I’d do anything to keep you safe, because I love you. You’re worth any sacrifice, Casper, because you make me happy, and I love you with all my heart.” Casper smiled at me, even through his anguished tears. “I love you, too, Brendan! Now and always.” “Come on,” I said, “you’re freezing. Let’s get back to our room. Maybe Ruth will make us some of that wonderful hot cocoa, and we can sit by the fire and talk.” Casper let me lead him back to the car. My father was watching from the window. I wondered how anyone could be so cruel. Casper saw him, too. An angry look crossed his features, and he began to stomp toward the front door. “Casper! Casper, what are you doing?” I called after him. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even look back. He just marched right up to the front door of my old home and shoved it open without even knocking. I hurried after him, fearful he was going to do something stupid and maybe even get himself hurt. When I caught up to him, he was standing in front of my mother, looking down at her as she sat on the couch. “Both of you, get out!” said my father. “You shut up!” yelled Casper, turning on him in a rage. “You evil, evil man, just shut the fuck up!” My father was so shocked he took a step backward. Casper’s outburst even brought me to screeching halt. Casper turned back to my mom. “He did it to save me,” said Casper. “Yes, Brendan sold his body, but he did it to save me. I was sick and needed medicine. There was no other way. I would have died otherwise. He kept it a secret from me, but not out of shame. He did it so I’d never know how he’d sacrificed himself for me. Your husband wanted to show you what kind of man Brendan is, and he has. He’s wrong about Brendan, though. Brendan isn’t a whore, he’s a hero.”

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Mom looked from Casper to me for a moment, and then her gaze turned upon Ellen and my father. Her eyes narrowed. “I want her out of my house now!” said my mother, pointing at Ellen, her voice trembling. I had never seen my mother so assertive before. “Betsy, I won’t have you—” began my father, but Mom cut him off. “And you can pack your bags and go with her! The sight of you sickens me!” “I won’t be ordered out of my own home!” “I think you’re forgetting the house is in my name as are most of the bank accounts. You and your lawyers arranged it that way in case someone took legal action against you, remember? I want you out of his house in five minutes, or I’m calling the cops!” My father just stood there, stuttering and stammering for a few seconds. Suddenly the pussycat he’d kept in a cage all those years had turned into a tigress and was on the attack. Without another word he turned on his heel and rushed out the front door. Ellen was right on his heels. “Way to go, Mom,” I said. I just couldn’t help myself. Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes. “I should have kicked him out years ago. I’m so sorry, Brendan, so sorry about … everything.” I crossed the short distance between us and took her in my arms. She cried on my shoulder. I came close to crying, too. When she quieted at last, we sat down on the couch, and Casper took a seat in a nearby chair. “Are you going to be okay?” I asked. “I’m going to be just fine,” she said with determination. Oddly enough, there was a hint of laughter in her voice. “But what about Dad?” “Things are going to change around here,” said Mom. “Today has opened my eyes, and I’m not standing for his foolishness anymore. He can either shape up or ship out.” I actually laughed for a moment. I’d never seen my mom with such an attitude. She looked at me and grinned. “Casper is right. Your father did show me what kind of a man you are today, and I couldn’t be more proud.” At just that moment, I felt like I could walk on air. “Are you okay with who and what I am?” I asked. Mom looked at Casper for a moment. “You’re going to have to give me some time on that one, Brendan. I just … Well, it’s a lot to take in. No mother wants to find out … But no, that’s not what I want to say. I know what kind of man you are Brendan, and you’re obviously a man now and a boy no longer. What I

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see when I look at you doesn’t fit with what I’ve been told all along about … homosexuals, so … well, I guess I need to reevaluate things. You’re going to have to be patient with your mother. This isn’t something I can come to terms with in just a few short days. What I can tell you is that I love you. That’s the bottom line, and I guess that’s all the really matters anyway.” “I love you, too, Mom.” “I guess there’s no chance I’ll be getting grandchildren,” said Mom, with true regret in her voice. “I don’t know, Mom, who knows what the future might bring? I’ll never have a wife, that’s for sure, but there are always alternatives.” Mom gazed into my eyes and became more serious than ever. “Are you happy, Brendan?” “Yes,” I said, gazing over at Casper. “I’ve never been so happy.” Mom followed my gaze and smiled at Casper, too. We sat and talked a while longer about nothing in particular. I think all of us needed a rest from such a serious discussion. When we departed at last, Mom gave me a hug and a kiss and even more significantly, she hugged Casper, too. Just a few minutes later Casper and I were sitting by the fire in the Peach Tree Bed & Breakfast, peppermint hot chocolate in hand. I’d given Casper the short version about what had happened in Purity with Ellen, but he wanted to hear it from beginning to end. I left out the intimate details, but told him everything else. I poured my heart out to him. We talked long into the night, with complete honesty, and when we were done everything was okay again. Casper knew I’d done what I had to do. We held each other blameless. If anything, my actions in Purity stood as proof of just how much I loved Casper, not that any proof was needed, for my love for him was obvious, as was his for me. I lay in bed beside Casper that night feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’d always feared that someday he’d find out the truth and that it would tear us apart. That day had come, but we became closer than ever. My father had sought to destroy us by dredging up the past, but he’d utterly failed. Not only had he not forced Casper and me apart, he’d brought Mom and me closer together. I snuggled up against Casper, feeling a warmth that radiated from my own heart.

Dane

“Honey, can you get that?” called my Mom from the kitchen. I rushed down the hallway to the front door. I opened it and stepped back in surprise to find myself face to face with Rue. “Um, hi,” I said. I swallowed, fearful that she might slap me or something. She hadn’t been happy with me at all after our failed double date. “Can I come in?” “What? Oh, yeah, sure. I’m sorry. Please come in. Um, would you like to talk in my room?” “Who’s that, dear?” asked my mom. “It’s Rue, Mom.” My mom came out of the kitchen, her hands covered with flour. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I’m trying out a new pineapple-cake recipe. I’m Dane’s mom.” “I’m Rue.” “She’s Billy’s girlfriend,” I added. “Oh, Billy’s such a nice boy. Would you like anything to drink, Rue?” “No, I’m fine, thank you.” “Well, I’m going to get back to the kitchen. It’s nice to meet you.” “Come on,” I said, leading Rue to my room. “Your mom seems very nice,” said Rue as we stepped into my bedroom. I sat in the chair at my desk, and Rue sat on my bed. “She’s wonderful,” I said, “most of the time anyway. So …” - 138 -

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“Billy told me about you,” said Rue. “What do you mean?” I asked, even though I was pretty sure I already knew. I could feel the color drain from my face. “He said you told him you’re gay.” I looked down at the floor and then back up at Rue. “Yeah, I did,” I said. “He doesn’t want to hang around you anymore.” I fought them back, but tears welled up in my eyes and began to run down my cheeks. “I’m really sorry, Dane.” “You’re sorry?” I asked, wiping tears out of my eyes that immediately reappeared. “I told him not to be like that, but he’s all freaked out.” I put my head in my hands and began to cry. Billy didn’t want to be my friend anymore. It was my nightmare come true. Why hadn’t I kept my mouth shut? Why hadn’t I just acted like an ass instead of telling the truth about why I wasn’t interested in Janice? Billy would’ve forgiven me for being a jerk. I felt Rue’s hands on my shoulders. She pulled me up into her arms and held me as I cried. “I really, really liked him,” I said. Saying it out loud made me cry even harder. When I finally quieted down, I pulled back and wiped my eyes. I felt foolish for crying in front of Rue, but it’s not like I could help it. “He’s telling everyone, isn’t he?” I said. “No. He was going to tell Craig Johansson because he just couldn’t believe it, but I forbade it. I told him he had no business discussing your personal life with others.” “So he hasn’t told anyone but you?” “No, and he won’t. I told him he wouldn’t be getting any for a very long time if he pulled a stunt like that. Now that he’s had time to think about it, I think he’ll keep quiet without my threats.” “Does he hate me?” “No.” “But he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” “No. I’m sorry, Dane, but he just can’t deal with you being gay. I think he’s being very immature, but … that’s the way he is. He might come around in time. I don’t know.” I felt like I’d lost my best friend, because, well, I had. I gazed into Rue’s eyes. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

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“Why shouldn’t I be?” “Well, you seemed pretty pissed at me when I told Janice I didn’t want to date her.” “I was, because it hurt Janice, but now I know why you don’t want to date her. Billy said the date was his idea.” “Yeah, I didn’t know how to get out of it without him finding out … I’m gay.” “I understand.” “I was afraid he’d … I was afraid he wouldn’t be my friend anymore if he knew.” Fresh tears sprang to my eyes, and I blinked them away. “I’m very sorry, Dane. I wish I could make you feel better, but I know that nothing I can say will make this okay for you. All I can do is assure you that your secret is safe. No one else will know. I know losing your best friend has to hurt, but at least you gained a new friend.” I looked at Rue and smiled. “I can see what Billy sees in you. I feel foolish now for being jealous.” “Jealous?” “Yeah, I was kind of jealous, because you were with Billy like I wanted to be.” “You wanted to be more than friends with him, didn’t you?” asked Rue. “Yes, but please don’t tell him. It will just make him that much more uncomfortable.” “I won’t say a word.” “Thanks. Do you … do you think I should tell Janice, about me I mean? I hate making her feel so bad.” “I don’t think you need to tell her. She’ll get over it. We talked, and I reminded her of what you said: that you just weren’t ready to date. If she doesn’t see you with another girl, she’ll be okay with it.” “There’s no danger of that,” I said, laughing just a bit. “Don’t worry about Janice. I’ll take care of her.” “You’re a good friend,” I said. “Do you think Janice will mind if I talk to her at school and stuff?” “No, why should she?” “I thought she might be mad. She seems really nice. I just want her to know that I don’t dislike her.” “I think that’s a great idea, and I think it was very sweet the way you let her down easy.”

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“I wish I could have thought of something better, but I couldn’t tell her the truth, and I didn’t want to encourage her. I thought it best to end things right then and there.” “That was a wise decision.” “This really sucks,” I said. “I know.” “I’ve had a crush on Billy for … forever. I knew I probably didn’t have a chance with him, but I always kind of hoped.” “At least you know now, and you can mark him off your list.” “Unfortunately, his name was the only one on the list.” “I guess it is hard to meet someone.” “Try virtually impossible. I know there are other boys like me out there, but I have no way of telling who they are. If I was out, then maybe some of them would approach me, but I’d probably get my head kicked in or something at school. If everyone finds out about me … well, it would be bad.” “I hope you find someone, Dane. Don’t give up hope. I’ve always believed there is someone for everyone. One way or another, you’ll finally meet the one who is right for you.” “I sure hope so, Rue.” Rue hugged me and I smiled. After Rue left I went back to my room and sat there in a daze. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I’d always feared that Billy would want nothing to do with me if he found out I was gay, but now that it had happened it didn’t seem real. I guess part of me thought it would never come to that. It was just some nightmare on the edge of reality. The nightmare had become all too real, however. Billy was no longer my friend. The old Dane would have found a way to get back at Billy for rejecting him. He would have done something to exact revenge. Perhaps he would have even found a way to force Billy to give him what he wanted. I was glad the old Dane was gone. Maybe this was even some kind of test to see how I would react. I knew Billy would never be my boyfriend. He wasn’t even my friend anymore. I didn’t like it, but I would accept it. There would be no revenge and definitely no attempt to take what I wanted by force. I was disappointed in Billy. I’d hoped he would rise above the prejudice and ignorance that was so commonplace, but I guess he was like all the others who delighted in calling boys like me “fags.” If that was the way he was going to be I was probably better off without him anyway. I couldn’t just shut off my feelings for him, however. Despite what had happened, they were still there. It was as if

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the part of me that felt friendship and love for him didn’t know he’d rejected me. I guess I would have to get used to that, too. I stood up, walked downstairs, and called Simon. His eager acceptance of my invitation to come over and work out with my cheap weight set made me smile. I was going to make the best of this worst of days. The old Dane would have wallowed in self-pity, but I wasn’t that boy anymore.

Shawn

I smiled as I loaded gifts into the trunk of the car. It was the evening of December 28th, which was to be Christmas on the Selby farm. Brendan and Casper had returned home only the evening before, and Dane had arrived about noon. It was all I could do to keep myself from rushing over to see Dane the moment he called, but I didn’t want to instantly appear on the doorstep as if I’d been eagerly anticipating his arrival. I had been, but I feared the guys might not understand my relationship with Dane if they knew its true nature. After all, he’d once come very close to forcing me into sex with him. That was in the past, but I didn’t know if they’d understand that or the wild thoughts that were running through my mind. I put the last of the gaily wrapped packages in the trunk, stuck my head in the door, and yelled. “Hurry up, Tim!” My brother came rushing down the stairs carrying a couple of wrapped packages himself. He nearly tripped over his long legs. I thought for a moment how my little brother wasn’t really all that little. He was nearly as big as I was. He was quite handsome, too. I was surprised the girls weren’t already after him, but I guess that didn’t matter, since he wasn’t interested in females. We climbed in and I started up the old Cutlass and turned on the radio. “Rocking ’Round the Christmas Tree” filled the car as I pulled out onto the street. Thankfully, Dad was spending his day at the bar, so we could slip out with ease. He’d never be the wiser. That was one good thing about Dad; it was easy to slip things past him. If he was home, he was usually in a drunken stupor. He was - 143 -

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a prime example of what I did not what to be when I grew up. He was also the reason I didn’t drink. Snow landed on the windshield and slowly melted as we pulled away from the house. The ground was covered in white, and the clouds above gave the sky a bluish-gray look. I suppose some would call it gloomy, but I thought of it as Christmas-y instead. The snow swirled around the car as the heater poured out warmth, making me feel comfy and cozy. Technically, Christmas was over, but as far as I was concerned this was Christmas Day. I looked over at Tim and smiled. “Hey,” I said. “I just thought of something. If you’re gay, then why were you always asking me to hook you up with girls?” Tim smiled. “For the same reason you date Casey.” “Gotcha,” I said, pointing at him. That mystery was sure solved quickly. We arrived at the Selby farm mere minutes later. Tim had never been there before. Everyone greeted Tim as if he was an old friend, and I knew it wasn’t just because it was Christmas. Everyone on the Selby farm was like that and not just the gay boys. Ethan’s uncle, Jack, Casper’s grandma, Ardelene, and Nathan’s little brother, Dave, were all as friendly as they could be. I wished my own home was that welcoming. The kitchen was filled with the heavenly scents of roast turkey, yeast rolls, banana nut bread, and other smells I couldn’t identify, but which were equally enjoyable. We passed through the kitchen only briefly on our way to the living room, but the aromas followed us, mingling with the pine aroma of the freshly cut Christmas tree all decked out in front of the living-room window. Despite my fears that he would be uncomfortable, Tim was at ease. The Selby farm had a special magic about it that made it feel like home. At least it’d always been that way for me, and I think Tim could feel it, too. The moment Dane and I set sight on each other, our eyes locked. I knew he was as desperate for us to be alone as I was. The problem was there wasn’t any place for us to go. It was the end of December after all, so the possibilities were severely limited. I was giving the barn some serious consideration, but I thought it likely we’d both freeze to death as soon as we pulled our clothes off. I guess I hadn’t thought things through very well. “Tim, there’s someone I would like you to meet,” I said, pulling my brother toward Dane. I introduced them. When Dane’s eyes fell on Tim, I became invisible. At least that’s the way it seemed to me. It was just like in the movies when two people look at each other, and you can tell it’s love at first sight. There wasn’t any sappy music playing in the background, but I knew Dane and my little brother had fallen for each other

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on the spot. They didn’t say anything, they just stared at each other for the longest time. I knew at that moment that things would never be the same again. I wasn’t the only one who noticed what was going on. Nathan grinned and then looked away shyly. “Tim,” I said. “Tim, yo, Tim!” “Yeah?” “I just remembered, we didn’t bring in the presents.” “I’ll get ’em,” said Tim, not taking his eyes off Dane. “Would you like some help?” asked Dane. “Sure.” They smiled at each other and walked back through the kitchen. I walked over and took a seat on the couch, looking down at my shoes. “Are you okay, Shawn?” asked Brendan who was sitting near. “Huh? Oh yeah, I’m okay … I think I need a bit of fresh air, though. I’ll be right back.” I got up and left the living room, passed through the kitchen, and exited through the back door. Thankfully, I hadn’t taken off my coat yet. The December air hit me like a bucket of ice water, but I kept on walking, out past the barn and down the hill. A lot of emotions were running through my mind—disappointment, jealousy, and sadness, but hopefulness and happiness, too. Part of what I was feeling was physical, too. The mere sight of Dane had aroused me. We’d only been together that one time in Marmont, but it had been incredible. It’d been my first time, too, and I guess I just expected it to mean more. I knew Dane wanted me when our eyes met, but then he looked at my brother and … Could two boys really fall in love that fast? That’s what it looked like to me. It wasn’t just lust; that much was certain. There was a hunger to their gaze, a sexual undercurrent, but I’d sensed something more, something that wasn’t there when Dane and I looked at each other. Had Tim just met his soulmate? Could it happen that fast, that easily? It was far too cold to stay out for long, so I walked back the way I’d come, trying to sort through my feelings. I’d been looking forward to meeting Dane again, mainly so we could get it on. I craved it. I needed it so bad. I’d even planned to … But I guess that didn’t matter anymore. Things had changed in an instant when Dane set eyes on my brother. I kind of felt like I’d been forgotten and tossed aside. When would I find someone to love me? It was never love between you and Dane, I reminded myself. It was true. It was sex, just sex.

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I was frustrated. I obviously wasn’t getting any today. I guessed I could always give Blake a call. That was just sex, too, but maybe it was better than nothing. Still, I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted what those around me had already found. When would it happen for me? Why did life have to be so complicated? I shivered with the cold. I couldn’t even feel my fingers anymore. The snow was beautiful, but the wind that swirled it around chilled me to the bone. I headed back across the fields and reentered the farmhouse, reveling in the warmth. Casper handed me a cup of hot cocoa. I wrapped my hands around it and drew the scent into my nostrils. “Peppermint,” I said. “Yeah, we brought some back from the B&B.” I took a sip. “It’s wonderful.” Casper smiled. I made my way back into the living room. Tim and Dane were adding our gifts to those already under the tree. I watched them as I drank my cocoa. The lingering glances, the gentle touches, the smiles on their lips said it all. Tim looked back at me and grinned. I smiled back and felt a warmth in my heart. I wanted my little brother to be happy, to have what I didn’t have: someone to love and someone to love him back. He deserved that, and more. Dane turned to look at me just then, too. I gave him a smile and nodded. I couldn’t think of a better gift to give my little brother. Dane grinned back, and his happiness also made me feel warm inside. The snow began to fall harder outside as “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” played on the CD player near the tree. I was happy. I wasn’t getting what I’d come for, but the disappointment had left my heart. I’d find someone. That I knew in my heart. Things weren’t meant to be between Dane and me. We’d always be friends, but nothing more. I hadn’t really lost a lover, though, I’d gained a … um … brother-in-law? Dave was eager to unwrap presents. He was only about ten years old, and the poor little guy had already had to wait three extra days, because Brendan and Casper had been away on their trip to Kentucky. I didn’t mind the delay since we now had Christmas to celebrate when otherwise it would’ve been past. True, it wasn’t Christmas Day, but what did that matter? Christmas was about being with friends, and for the first time in a long time I felt as though Tim and I were going to have a real Christmas. We all gathered around the tree while Ethan passed out presents. I occasionally pulled out ones I’d bought for Tim, and he gleefully opened them. He was

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especially excited by the leather jacket. I think he would’ve done just fine without a single gift, however, for he was so enamored of Dane that nothing else seemed to matter to him. They sat near the tree together holding hands. I was so happy for them both I could have cried—if I was the crying type, that is. I unwrapped a gift from Tim to find a beautiful sweater. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who knew how to shop at Goodwill. I truly loved it. If I would’ve seen it when I was out shopping for Tim, I would have snatched it up for myself in an instant. I gave Tim a hug and a kiss on the forehead. I really did love my little brother. The gifts kept coming, and no one was left out. I think Dave made out the best of all, but then he was the only little kid there, so it was just the way it should be. Presents are more important to kids than the rest of us, although I must admit I love receiving a present. In addition to my sweater, Tim also got me a great book on football. I loved it, too. After the presents were unwrapped, we all moved to the kitchen for a Christmas feast. There were roast turkey, ham, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, yeast rolls, baked beans, dressing, banana nut bread, and more. In addition, there were Christmas cookies, a beautifully decorated Christmas cake, pecan pie, blackberry cobbler, both chocolate and peanut-butter fudge, divinity, and more kinds of candy than I can name. I knew I’d stuff myself until I was miserable if I wasn’t very careful. After we finished eating, more or less, all of us boys retired to the living room. Tim and Dane made eyes at each other, and I myself witnessed their very first kiss. I stretched out on the floor and closed my eyes, surrounded by friends—no, by family because Brendan, Casper, Ethan, Nathan, Dane and all the others were my family now. I felt myself drifting off to sleep. It was the best Christmas ever.

Brendan

“How did it go?” I asked Nathan and Ethan as they entered the kitchen. “Not well,” said Nathan, “but it’s over.” Ethan hugged his boyfriend’s shoulder and then stepped toward the steaming kettle on the stove to make Nathan and himself a cup of hot tea. I gazed at Nathan as he pulled off his coat and sat down across from me. His cheeks were tear-stained, his features sullen and determined. “I’m sorry,” I said. “It was about what I expected,” said Nathan. “I’m glad you’re back,” I said. “I’ve been sitting here worrying about you. I was afraid of what would happen when you confronted your parents.” I took a sip of my own tea, a blend called Famous Edinburgh. It had taken every ounce of self control I possessed not to follow Ethan and Nathan when they made the drive into town to Nathan’s old home. Only by reminding myself that Ethan could handle anything that came up was I able to force myself to stay home and wait for the verdict. “It was oddly anticlimactic,” said Nathan. “There was no yelling, no violence. I just said what I felt I had to say, and Mom and Dad just stood there, looking at me like I was a stranger.” Nathan began to tear up. Ethan set a cup of tea down in front of him and then hugged him again. “What did they say, if you don’t mind my asking?” “Dad said I’d made my choice and he wanted nothing more to do with me. Mom didn’t say anything. She just looked at me without any particular expres- 148 -

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sion on her face. I asked them if they wanted to see Dave. Mom spoke up then and said he’d made his choice, too.” “Nathan, I’m truly sorry.” “I’m not. I knew they didn’t love Dave or me. The things that happened in that house would never have happened if they loved us. I didn’t expect them to apologize and beg me to come back. When I left with Dave, they gave in too easily. They just didn’t care. They were glad to be rid of us.” “So they won’t fight for custody?” I asked. That’s what I’d truly feared. Jack and Ardelene were working to get legal custody of Nathan and Dave so their parents wouldn’t someday try to take them back. If Nathan’s parents fought it, things could’ve gotten sticky. Nathan scooted a stack of papers across the table to me. “What’s this?” “The custody papers. My parents signed them. They were so happy to be rid of Dave and me that they gladly met Jack, Ardelene, Ethan and me at Mr. Sawyer’s office to sign them.” “You mean that’s it? Just like that?” “Yep. Everything else has been done. Getting my parents to sign was the last step. If they had refused, things would be different, but Dave and I are officially in the custody of Jack and Ardelene. Mr. Sawyer already sent the copies onto … well, wherever such legal papers go.” “Then we should celebrate!” Nathan grinned. “Yeah, but just not yet, okay? I need some time to take all this in, and I need to have a talk with Dave.” “Oh, yeah, sure. I didn’t mean to … that is to say, I didn’t mean to make light of your parents giving you up. I’m just happy it’s all settled and that you’ll be here forever!” “I’m happy about that, too. It’s just a bit much to take in. I took the papers hoping I could convince them to sign, but it was just so easy …” A sob escaped Nathan’s throat, and tears streamed from his eyes. “I know my parents never loved Dave and me, but still, when they just signed us away as if it was nothing … as if we were nothing …” “You aren’t nothing,” said Ethan, pulling Nathan to his feet and taking him in his arms. “I love you, Nathan; you mean the world to me. Jack and Ardelene love you, too.” “We all do,” I added. Nathan grinned again and wiped away his tears with the back of his hand.

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“Hey!” I said. “Doesn’t this make Ethan and you brothers?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. “Jack adopted Ethan, and now he’s adopted you, so you’re brothers now! Ewww, incest.” “Look who’s talking,” said Ethan. “You’re from Kentucky. Don’t you all marry your cousins or sisters or whatever down there?” “Only the straight boys do that.” Nathan laughed. “You guys are so weird. Besides, Jack and Ardelene aren’t adopting us. They just have custody of us. It’s practically the same thing, but Ethan and I are not brothers.” It was good to hear Nathan laugh. “If you don’t mind,” said Nathan. “I think I’m going to take a walk and spend some time by myself.” Ethan grabbed him and hugged him yet again, kissing him this time, too. “I’m here if you need me, Babe,” he said. “I’ll be fine,” said Nathan. “I just need to sort it all out and let everything sink in. Later, after I’ve talked to Dave, we can have that celebration.” Nathan suited up for the snowy winter weather outside and left Ethan and me alone in the kitchen. We sat at the kitchen table and drank our hot tea. “He’ll be okay, Ethan,” I said. “I understand what he’s going through, at least partly. My father disowned me. No papers were signed, but he’s given me up, just as Nathan’s parents have given him up. I’m sure it will be harder on Nathan than it is on me, because Nathan is more sensitive, and I still have my mom, more or less. This is probably something that will stick with him forever, but he has you and the rest of us to make him feel wanted. That’s what’s important right now. That’s what has helped me keep going. Just knowing that Casper loves me helps me more than I can explain. You and Nathan, Jack, Ardelene, and Dave help me a lot, too. I lost one family, but now I have a new one. That’s what it’s like for Nathan, too. It will still be difficult for him at times, just as it is for me, but he’ll be fine.” “Thanks, Brendan,” said Ethan. “I worry about him more than I can tell you.” “You don’t have to tell me, because I feel the same way about Casper as you do about Nathan. When he’s hurting it’s worse than any pain I’ve had to endure.” “Exactly,” said Ethan. “I want to help him get through this as best I can. Nathan has effectively just lost his parents. I know what that’s like.” “Your parents died when you were young, didn’t they?” I said. “Yes, it’s been about ten years now, but I still think about them and miss them. It was rough losing them like that. They left on a quick errand and never

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came back. It was such a shock. I don’t think I could have survived it if it hadn’t been for Jack.” “Jack has saved a lot of us,” I said. “You, me, Casper, and now Nathan and Dave.” “But he still pretends to be a gruff old guy without feelings,” said Ethan grinning. “Well, that façade is slipping for sure.” Ethan took a sip of tea and then looked across the table at me. “How are things with your mom? If you don’t mind me asking.” “I don’t mind. She called just a couple of days ago, and we talked. All this is hard on her, too. She’s having trouble dealing with my sexual orientation. Her head is full of so many stereotypes and lies. I can’t blame her for having trouble understanding me.” “There are a lot of lies spread about us for sure,” said Ethan. “It just boggles my mind sometimes the way people who should know better will just outright lie about gays, saying the nastiest things about us when they know they’re not true. The worst part is that those who spread the lies are usually the very people who should be the most understanding. That’s why I don’t go to church. Those people are such hypocrites.” “Be careful, Ethan. You don’t want to be guilty of stereotyping. I get what you’re saying, completely, but a lot of people who go to church are true to their beliefs. They try to be as good and kind as humanly possible.” “You’re right, of course, and I don’t mean to lump everyone together like that, but it just makes me so angry! I guess when I look at Christians I tend to see the hypocrites and not the true Christians.” “You know, I’ve never been very religious,” I said. “I believe in God and all that, but I’ve never been into going to church. All those ceremonies and prayers just seem so meaningless. They’re just words that are mindlessly recited, and what good is that? When I talk to God I believe in the direct approach, with my own words.” “Yeah, I’m like that, too,” said Ethan. “At Christmas, I got to thinking about how people use the Bible and Jesus like some kind of weapon against gays. I’m not claiming to be an expert on religion, but I think Jesus would be on our side if he was around today. I don’t think he would support a “Christian” crusade against us. We’re a minority who have been persecuted for a very long time. I’ve read the Bible, and Jesus had no use for people who went around judging others. He never spoke out against gays, but he did speak out against the religious busybodies who judged others and persecuted

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them. It seems blasphemous to me that the anti-gay religious nuts would dare to invoke the name of Jesus against us.” “Maybe he’ll come back again and whip some ass,” said Ethan. “I wish. They would probably try to kill him again. It was just their sort that did it last time.” “It’s weird,” said Ethan. “When I was a kid I took things at face value. I thought if someone went to church, they were good, but it’s not that simple. Some of the best people I know go to church, but so do some of the worst people. Devon wouldn’t miss a Sunday if his life depended on it, and look at what a piece of crap he is. When I was a kid I never thought someone would twist religion and use it for evil, but it’s been done again and again. Gays are just the last in a long line of victims.” Casper came down into the kitchen just then and joined us. “What are you guys talking about?” “Religion,” I said. “No, really. Let me guess, football or wrestling?” I laughed. I guess the thought of Ethan and me discussing religion was pretty far out there. “Nathan’s parents signed the papers,” said Ethan. “Your grandma and Jack have custody now.” “That’s great!” said Casper. Casper joined us at the table, and we got up a game of rummy. Nathan returned when we’d been playing for about twenty minutes, but he went upstairs, obviously still thinking things through. “I can’t believe Christmas is over,” said Casper. “Why is Christmas so long in coming and so quick to pass?” “I think it just seems that way, Babe,” I said. “I spend a lot of time looking forward to Christmas, and then after it’s over it’s like … now what?” said Casper. “The post-holiday letdown,” said Ethan. “It’s New Year’s Eve. This is a holiday,” I said. “But it’s not the same as Christmas,” said Casper. “True enough, but this year we have Nathan’s and Dave’s freedom to celebrate. Their parents can’t touch them now.” “Sort of like an eighteenth birthday,” said Casper. “We’re going to have a celebration for Nathan and Dave,” said Ethan. “I’m sure we can convince Ardelene to bake some cookies, and we have tons of Christmas candy left. It will be like Christmas II, the Sequel.”

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“I like the sound of that!” said Casper. “The only thing missing will be presents.” “I’ll give you a present when we get to bed,” I said. “Really? What’s it wrapped in?” asked Casper, playing dumb. “My boxers.” Ethan laughed. We began the party for Nathan and Dave at a little after ten p.m. Both of our guests of honor were in high spirits by then. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my own shoulders. The possibility that Nathan’s parents might someday try to reclaim him and his brother wasn’t talked about much, but hung overhead like a dark cloud. That cloud had been swept away. I was eighteen now, Casper’s grandmother had adopted him, and now Jack and Ardelene had legal custody of Nathan and Dave. Our family was complete, and no one could tear us apart. I didn’t know what the new year might hold for us, but the old one had definitely ended well.

Dane

I sat in my room scribbling in my notebook. When I looked down at the page I was surprised at the sight that met my eyes, almost as if another hand had written upon the page. I’d written “Tim” over and over again and surrounded it each time with a heart. Dane Myer, Tim Haakonson, Myer-Haakonson, and Haakonson-Myer were scribbled on the page as well, as if I’d been trying on the names for size. I felt like a schoolgirl for writing such things in my notebook, but I didn’t care, because joy leapt up in my heart at the very sight of the name Tim. When I laid eyes on him at the Selbys it was just … wow. Only three days had passed since I’d met him, but it seemed like an eternity. He’d promised to call me within a week, and my heart raced every time the phone rang. I wished I could call him, but we both thought it too risky considering his dad. After hearing what Tim’s and Shawn’s dad was like, I was doubly grateful for my own accepting parents. I could write Tim, at least, and I’d already done so. I had questioned whether or not it was safe, but apparently Tim’s dad didn’t spy on incoming mail. Shawn and I had written back and forth for some time, and that hadn’t caused any trouble. Tim said his dad never bothered with the mail anyway. He or Shawn always picked it up from the box out in front of their house when they arrived home. I was amazed at all that Tim had told me of his dad. His father did work some, but he didn’t seem to do much else. I hoped Shawn was okay with Tim and me. He had assured me over Christmas that he was, but I still felt guilty. After all, I’d gone to the Selbys to spend time with Shawn and then ended up practically ignoring him because I was - 154 -

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drooling all over his brother. I just couldn’t help myself. I felt magically drawn to Tim. It wasn’t just sexual attraction either, although there was plenty of that. When I saw Tim I fell for him, just like that. It was weird, but I felt as if he was the one I’d been waiting on my entire life, and he looked like he’d been waiting on me, too. I’d written Shawn as soon as I returned home, telling him how I felt about his brother. I apologized for not spending more time with Shawn and made sure he knew I still thought of him as a good friend. He’d saved my life after all. There was something there with Tim that wasn’t there with Shawn, and I’d tried my best to explain that, too. Shawn and I had experienced some intense sex in the back of his car, but we didn’t love each other. I cared for him, sure, but it wasn’t love. Those feelings just weren’t quite there. Maybe they would have been if we’d met under different circumstances, but Shawn felt more like a friend than a boyfriend. I kept wishing I lived in Verona. That had been my wish ever since I’d left it at the end of the summer—first, because I just plain missed it; then, because I wanted to get with Shawn again, and, now more than ever, because Tim and I were so far apart. Marmont was only forty-five minutes or so from Verona, but since neither Tim nor I had a car, he might as well have lived in Verona, Italy, as Verona, Indiana. Okay, I know that’s not quite true, but it sure felt that way sometimes. I wanted to see Tim again so bad I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to feel his arms around me and his lips pressed to mine. I wanted us to go on dates like any other couple, but the distance kept us apart. Despite my frustration, I was happier than I’d ever been. I had a boyfriend! He lived kind of far away, but he was mine. I was so happy about Tim that I gave little thought to Billy. I’m sure I would’ve still been pining over Billy if I hadn’t met Tim, but Tim came along at just the right time and saved me. Billy was never going to be my boyfriend. I knew that. He’d chosen to end our friendship because he couldn’t handle me being gay. If he was going to be like that, then he wasn’t the Billy I thought he was, and I didn’t need him in my life anyway. I couldn’t quite say “good riddance” and truly mean it, because I was sorry we couldn’t still be friends; but I was done crying over Billy. The upside of my long-distance relationship with Tim was that it would be easier to hide. If we went to the same school people might catch on. As it was, no one would suspect anything. We wouldn’t see each other all that often, and we could always claim each other as a visiting cousin or whatever to keep everyone from getting suspicious.

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It was odd how our situations were kind of reversed. I was out to my parents, but not at school. Tim could have been out at school without much fear of reprisal if it wasn’t for his homophobic dad. I wished Tim’s dad could be as accepting as my parents and that it was as safe to be out at M.H.S. as it was at V.H.S. I guessed I couldn’t force the world to be like I wanted, however, so Tim and I would both have to make do. What I really wanted to do was make out with Tim again. We’d done that a lot over Christmas, and it was intense! I didn’t know if I wanted to share the information with Tim, but he kissed a lot like his brother. It was kind of weird that I’d made it with Shawn and now Tim. Tim and I hadn’t had sex yet, but we had made out, and I’d felt his chest through his shirt. He was muscular like his brother and looked a good deal like him. It’s not like they were twins or anything, but they looked so much alike I hoped I didn’t call out Shawn’s name someday in a moment of passion with Tim. Talk about embarrassing! Tim knew Shawn and I had been together. I wondered how he felt about that. If it bothered him, he didn’t say anything. I hoped it wouldn’t be a problem, and I didn’t think it would be. After all, the physical relationship between Shawn and me was short-lived and in the past. As long as Tim and I were dating, I wouldn’t think about getting with anyone else. A fleeting thought of having Tim and Shawn at the same time crossed my mind, but I forced it away. That was the old Dane thinking. The new Dane was better than that. He was going to take this relationship seriously. I just about went stir-crazy during the remainder of Christmas vacation. Tim called me on New Year’s Day, and I practically swooned at the sound of his voice. We promised to write each other a lot and made plans to see each other as soon as we could work something out. Either Tim would visit Marmont or I’d come to Verona. It wouldn’t be easy to arrange, but we hoped to take turns visiting each other, even if it was only for a few hours at a time. I wished I had a car. I did have a license, but no wheels. I wondered if I could convince Mom and Dad to let me borrow one of their cars. I knew it was something of a long shot, but maybe if I worked on them long enough and presented myself as mature and responsible, they would give in. Tim had neither a car nor a license. He was only fifteen. He wasn’t actually that much younger than I was, just about six months, but it meant he couldn’t drive. Tim’s birthday was on January 30th. I checked the calendar. The 30th fell on a Saturday. It was perfect! If I could get Mom and Dad to let me borrow a car, I could drive to Verona and take my boyfriend out for his sixteenth birthday. Then, we could make out in the back seat and maybe even go a bit further. Even

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if I wasn’t allowed to drive, maybe my parents would take me to Verona and let me hang out there for a day. I set about scheming. I was so excited I sat down and wrote Tim to see what he thought of my plan. ✶

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School resumed on Monday, January 4, and for once I wasn’t sorry. I’d spent the last part of my Christmas vacation pacing my room like a caged animal. I took frequent walks despite the cold, but being parted from Tim was excruciating. I needed something to do with my time so I wouldn’t just pine away for my boyfriend. I walked down the halls with a spring in my step that wasn’t there before Christmas break. Even though he was far away, I felt a connection to Tim. When I was digging books out of my locker, I wondered if he was at his school, getting books out of his locker, too. I wondered if we had the same lunch periods and if Tim would be sitting down to eat with his friends at the same time I was sitting down with mine. A dark shadow crossed my path before third period in the form of Billy Holmes, my former crush and former friend. Billy’s handsome features contorted into a scowl as his eyes met mine. I sighed as he walked on without greeting me or even acknowledging my presence with anything more than his frown. Billy was extremely good looking with his feathered blond hair, his muscles, his cute little butt, and those dreamy blue eyes, but he wasn’t so pretty on the inside. I wondered how he could toss away our friendship so easily just because he found out I was gay. I wasn’t going to let Billy Holmes get to me. My hopes and dreams concerning him were crushed, but I had Tim now, so Billy just didn’t matter. He could come crawling back on hands and knees and it wouldn’t do him any good, although I enjoyed the mental picture. There’s not much to say about my school day. I’d actually grown somewhat fond of school, but that still didn’t make it exciting. Sometimes I wished my life could be more like a movie, with interesting stuff happening all the time, but life wasn’t like that. When you think about it, even the lives of those in movies probably weren’t exciting all the time, either. Their lives just looked exciting because all we saw were the interesting bits. If someone took my life and reduced it to an hour and a half, it might look pretty exciting, too, but there were twenty-four hours in a day, and most of the time my life wasn’t a big thrill.

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The high point of the day came at lunch when Simon set his tray down and sat down across from me. “I got a weight machine for Christmas!” he announced. Before Christmas break, Simon and I had a ritual of working out together every other day after school. He always came home with me since he didn’t have any equipment. I’d worked out some during break, but Simon hadn’t come over. We’d meant to get together, but one or the other of us was always gone. “Awesome!” I said. “A machine? I got a new weight set, but not a machine.” “It’s so cool, although it did take Dad and me two days to put it together. It had so many parts we thought we were assembling a nuclear reactor or something.” “What are you going to do with a weight machine?” asked Craig Johansson who was sitting near. “He’s going to get all buff so he can kick ass!” I said, grinning. “Whoa, man. I guess I better get on your good side now, then,” said Craig. Craig wasn’t so bad. I didn’t care for him so much when he was a third wheel to Billy and me, but since Billy was out of the picture, things were different. Simon laughed. “I think you’ll be safe for … the next ten years,” said Simon thoughtfully. “I figure it will take me that long to get buff. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” “I want a weight machine, but my parents won’t spring for one,” said Craig. “How did you get your parents to go for it?” “Dad was only too happy to get me one. He’s always been kind of disappointed that I’m not much into sports.” “Maybe he was afraid you’d turn out to be a homo, and asking for a weight machine set his mind at ease. He was so relieved he bought you a machine,” said Craig. “I wonder if I could play that angle. I could ask Dad if he’d spring for either ballet lessons or a weight machine. Hmm.” Simon laughed, as did most of the others near, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Why were gays always the butt of jokes? “I don’t think he had any doubts, but if he did he doesn’t now,” said Simon. “Everyone knows fags don’t work out.” I was shocked at Simon’s use of the word “fag.” He tended to be quiet and reserved. I think it took Craig by surprise, too, because he laughed so hard he nearly spurted milk out his nose. Simon had obviously scored points with him. I had half a mind to set them both straight. Most of the best-built guys I knew were gay. I couldn’t say anything about it without revealing myself, though, so I remained silent.

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“Hey,” said Simon. “Dane and me usually work out after school. You want to come home with me, and the three of us can take turns?” “Yeah, sure,” said Craig. “That would be great. I want to see this machine of yours.” Great, now Craig was going to be the third wheel to Simon and me. I guess it didn’t matter, though, as I had no designs on Simon. If Craig became a pest, I’d just give him another power wedgie. Simon and Craig showed up at my locker at the end of the day, acting like best friends. Craig had never paid much attention to Simon before, and I hoped he wasn’t just using him for his weight machine. We walked to Simon’s house, where he introduced us to his mom. “Oh, you’re the one who got Simon interested in weight lifting,” said his mom when Simon mentioned my name. She acted as if I’d performed some great service. “Um, yeah, that’s me.” Simon escorted us to his room where a gleaming, chrome weight machine stood on one side of the room surrounded by posters of football and soccer players, race cars, and pinups from Sports Illustrated. “Wow,” said Craig, running his hand along the machine. Wow was right. It had separate stations for the bench press, military press, lats, and curls. “You can do dozens of different exercises on it,” said Simon, “but I just do a few.” “Let’s get started,” said Craig. Simon set up his bench-press weight, which was still under fifty pounds despite our workouts. To Craig’s credit, he didn’t make any smart comments or put down Simon for using such a low weight. Craig took a turn next, and I noticed he used considerably more weight than I did. Simon was impressed, and I was a bit jealous. Simon had always kind of looked up to me because I was more advanced than he was, but now Craig had come along, and I was no longer top dog. I hoped he didn’t want to work out with us all the time. “This is sweet,” I said later after I finished my first set of lateral pull-downs. “This thing kicks free-weights ass.” “We can work out here from now on if you want,” said Simon. “Yeah?” “Sure, you let me use your weight stuff when I didn’t have any, so why wouldn’t I let you use mine?”

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“Am I invited?” asked Craig. “Yes,” said Simon. I’d gotten over my fit of jealousy by then. We were cutting up and having fun while we worked out. Craig was turning out to be fairly cool. Perhaps he was only a jerk when he was under Billy’s influence. It looked as though I wouldn’t have to give Craig another wedgie after all.

Shawn

“So Dane fell for your brother?” asked Casey as we sat together in Ofarim’s after school. “You should have seen them when their eyes met. I seriously thought they were going to run toward each other in slow motion.” “That’s so sweet that you stepped aside for your little brother.” “I did it out of a sense of self-preservation. I didn’t want to get hurt when they started tearing each other’s clothes off.” “You mean they’ve already …” “I don’t think so, but I don’t think it would be safe to be in the room when it happens.” “You really are a good brother, giving up your boy toy like that.” “It was just physical between Dane and me. Sure, I wanted him—strike that—needed him badly, but Tim and Dane have a real chance to have something special, you know? How could I stand in the way? Besides, it’s already paid off. Tim has stopped coming onto me. He drools over Dane now instead.” “That’s a bonus.” “Yeah, Tim was freaking me out. I halfway expected to wake up some night with him groping me. I understand desperation, but still … incest isn’t a road I want to travel on.” I took a bite of the double-cheeseburger I’d been ignoring and gathered my thoughts. “I’ve really struck out—Cameron, Riley, Blake, and now Dane, none of them have worked out.” - 161 -

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“At least you did get a little action.” “Yeah, and I needed it, believe you me.” Casey giggled. “Did I tell you I hooked up with Blake again?” “No! Tell me everything!” “I had decided not to, because I’m looking for a relationship. All he wants is sex, but my hormones got the better of me.” “Hmm, weren’t you just talking about Tim and Dane ripping each other’s clothes off? It sounds like you’re the dangerous one. Was anyone hurt when you and Blake went at it?” “I did accidentally elbow him in the stomach. It was okay, though, he likes to play rough.” “Oh, my!” “Hey, you asked for details.” “Yeah, and so far I haven’t gotten any.” “Okay, you want details? I’ll give you details.” I proceeded to do just that. Sandy didn’t flinch. I knew she wouldn’t. She was not one I could embarrass by revealing the intimate details of my sex life. She was, however, the only one I felt comfortable telling such things. Well, I could have told Tim, but I feared getting him too worked up, even now that he was head over heels in love with Dane. By the time I finished my account of my last encounter with Blake, I was the one who was dangerously worked up. “I’ve got to find a boyfriend,” I practically growled. “Down, boy!” said Sandy, giggling. “I think it’s time to take another look at Sandy’s list.” “Hmm,” I said, mentally picturing the list in my mind. “Who do we have left?” “Preston and Webb,” said Casey. “I think you know the list better than I do. Preston? The name doesn’t entice me. It makes him sound like a geeky guy with glasses.” “You might be very happy with a geeky guy with glasses.” “Yeah, maybe if he was hung like a horse.” “You’re terrible.” “Hey, I’m a guy.” “I guess that does explain it. That’s why I prefer girls.” “You’re so funny.” “Actually, I’ve met Preston briefly. He’s quite good looking, and, no, he doesn’t wear glasses.”

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“What does he look like?” “He has long brown hair, brown eyes, and a nice smile.” “Long hair, huh? I dunno … I’m not really into guys with long hair; it’s too girly.” “Come on, Taylor had long hair, and you once told me you had fantasies about him.” “Yeah, well, his hair suited him. He was drop-dead cute.” I frowned. I felt like my words were inappropriate because Taylor was indeed dead. I still couldn’t believe it sometimes. If Casey found my words offensive, she didn’t let on. I’m sure she knew I meant no disrespect. They were merely poorly chosen words. “How is Preston built?” “Not as good as you, but good enough. Aren’t you going to ask me about his personality? You are looking for a boyfriend, aren’t you? If you just want sex, you can go see Blake again.” “Yeah, I’m sorry, but … I’m a guy, like I said. No matter what our orientation, we’re attracted to hot.” “Well, even though you still haven’t asked, he seemed like a nice guy, rather serious, but nice. I only met him briefly.” “I guess I can give him a shot. He’s got to be better than Riley. He is legal, right?” “He’s a little older than you, so relax.” “Good, I don’t want to meet up with any more jailbait.” “Aww, when you described Riley, he sounded cute,” said Casey. “Yeah, cute like a puppy, not cute as in I want to make out with him. I still think he couldn’t have been more than twelve.” “Maybe you’d like a younger man.” “Man? Riley wasn’t even close to being a man. He was a boy: a little, immature boy.” “So you don’t want to go out with him again?” asked Casey with a mischievous grin. “Only if I’m getting paid for babysitting.” Casey giggled. An older couple entered Ofarim’s just then, so that was the end of our private dining experience and our discussion about my need for a boyfriend. There were plenty of other topics for us to discuss, however. Casey and I had a lot in common. We talked about music, sports, clothes, and all kinds of stuff. We were the perfect couple in a lot of ways, just not in the traditional sense. Casey wasn’t a typical girl, but then again she wasn’t anywhere near to being a stereotypical lesbian, either. Yeah, she had an interest in sports and did some-

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times help me work on my car, but she still liked jewelry, nice clothes, flowers, and perfume. In a lot of ways, she was the kind of girl guys dream about dating— beautiful and possessed of feminine charms, but also quite happy to go to a football game or play basketball. I grinned at the thought that the kind of girls straight boys dream about are most likely lesbians. I wonder how they would react if they knew? Of course, Casey didn’t represent lesbians anymore than I did gay boys. Drawing conclusions about a group from observing one individual was certain to lead to misunderstanding. Casey and I had a pleasant supper. If she was a guy, she could have been my boyfriend, but then again, no, because Casey liked girls, and a guy who liked girls wasn’t of any use to me. I needed someone like me. Yeah, it was time to give Sandy’s list another go. Two days later I found myself sitting across from Preston in a booth in the Ponderosa in Plymouth. Preston was good looking, at least as far as his face was concerned. I wasn’t into his long hair, though. If he cut it, he would’ve been a lot hotter. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him yet. He was a bit stiff and formal when he introduced himself and seemed unusually picky while we were filling our plates at the buffet. “So you know Sandy?” I asked to make conversation once we sat down again. “Yes, we’re in drama class together.” “So I guess you know Cameron then, too.” “Uh, yeah,” said Preston with a look of discomfort. “I went out with Cameron once. He was … nice, but not my type.” “You should see the clothes he wears,” said Preston. “Flamboyant?” I asked, remembering how Cameron was dressed for our date. “Worse, straight off the rack at Wal-Mart.” I frowned. Preston’s comment made me remember the look he’d given my football jersey when I slipped off my leather jacket—a look of disdain. “So … what’s your last name?” Preston hesitated and then said, “Presley.” “Preston Presley? Your initials are P.P.?” It was Preston’s turn to frown. “I’m sorry, I’m not making fun of you. It just seems unfortunate.” “I’ve grown accustomed to the jokes.” There was a long and awkward pause. I gazed down at the book sitting on the table. Preston had been carrying it when I met him outside. “What are you reading?” “The Life of Gustav Mahler.”

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“Who?” “You don’t know who Mahler is?” asked Preston. The tone of his voice made it apparent he thought I was ignorant. “I’ve never heard of him.” “He was a famous Viennese composer who lived at the end of the nineteenth and the beginning of the twentieth centuries.” “Oh, so you like classical music?” Preston sighed. Obviously he saw me as nothing more than a dumb jock. My dislike for him increased. “He is one of the best known composers of classical music. My mother took me to Great Britain last summer, and we attended a Mahler concert performed by the London Symphony Orchestra. It was a life-altering experience.” We spoke little during our time together. Whenever I tried to talk about football or something I knew about, Preston gave me a blank look as if he had no idea what I was talking about. When he talked about his composers and other interests, I tried to fake enthusiasm, but I didn’t get half of what he was saying. He might as well have been speaking French. He did, in fact, speak a French phrase now and then, which I was apparently expected to understand. I was quite relieved when Preston Presley stiffly shook my hand and we parted. He wasn’t rude or unkind, but I knew he thought I was a rube because I wasn’t into all the fancy, high-society stuff he liked and didn’t know the difference between Mahler and Tchaikovsky, whoever the hell that was. I experienced zero attraction to Preston. Maybe I could have overlooked his girly hair if he was cool, but he wasn’t. I imagined he would be as formal and cold in bed as he was in conversation. I bet he wouldn’t even wrinkle the sheets. It was hard to believe he was seventeen. He acted more like he was seventy. There was but one name left on my list—Webb Castleton. I wondered if he would turn out any better than the others. At least his name didn’t make him sound like a geek.

Brendan

This was it—the final semester of my senior year. All too soon I would have to make some decisions about college. I had already applied to several schools, near and far, but that didn’t indicate decisiveness. I had far too many decisions to make. I could stay and work on the farm after graduation, but I didn’t know if I wanted to make farming my life. Professional football was my number-one career choice, but it wasn’t realistic. I was a talented player, but I was well aware I was a big fish in a small pond. It was highly unlikely I would ever get picked up by the NFL even if I excelled at college ball. I had been giving some serious thought to coaching. That was more doable. That would mean entering the field of education, however, because in order to coach I would also have to teach. I definitely couldn’t see myself teaching art or biology or something like that. A lot of coaches were P.E. teachers, however, and that I probably could handle. I would need another area besides P.E., though. If I went down the coaching path, that’s another decision I would have to make. An even bigger decision was when to begin college. Should I start next fall or wait until Casper could go with me? Casper was only a sophomore. He still had his junior and senior years to complete. I would, or at least could, be halfway finished with college by the time he graduated. The thought of going off to college with Casper was appealing. We could room together and everything. The idea of waiting two whole years to begin college was not as attractive. I was considering not attending college at all, but what kind of job could I find then? The available options didn’t appeal to me. As much as I’d enjoyed working in the diner in Purity, I had no intention of making food services my career. I - 166 -

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didn’t want to spend my life as a cashier in a grocery or department store, and the thought of working in an office depressed me. “What are you thinking about?” asked Casper as he walked into our bedroom. I realized I was sitting at the desk staring blankly out at the fields. I hadn’t even noticed Casper come in. I turned to face him. “My future. I’m thinking about college and what I’m going to do for a career. It’s overwhelming.” “Well, what do you want to do?” “I don’t know, but my mind keeps going back to football. That’s what I love the most, except for you, of course.” Casper grinned. “I don’t think I’m good enough to go professional, however.” “Didn’t that scout from Notre Dame come down to check you out?” asked Casper. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything. I never heard anything after that, so I probably failed to impress him. I really want to be involved with football in some way, so I was thinking that maybe I could coach.” “Like, coach a high-school team?” “Yeah.” “I think that would be great for you.” “If I do that, I have to teach, and I don’t know what I could teach, besides P.E.” “Just stay away from algebra.” “No kidding. I’ve also been thinking about when to go to college. I could start this fall, but I would like for us to go together.” “I’d like that, too, but what would you do for two years? I don’t graduate until 1984.” “That’s the problem with us going to school together.” “Well, you could start this fall, and I could join you when I graduate.” “Yeah, but, depending on where I go to school, that could mean we wouldn’t see each other for months at a time.” The expression on Casper’s face told me he didn’t like that idea any more than I did. “I don’t want to hold you back, Brendan.” “I don’t want to move forward without you.” “How about going to a school that’s close?” “I’ve thought about that. Notre Dame is only about an hour away, and they do have a kick-ass football program. I don’t know if I could make the team, how-

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ever. I might be better off going somewhere that isn’t quite so famous for football.” “But if you did go, it would sure look good on your resume, even if you didn’t get to play much.” “There’s so much to think about. Notre Dame is a private school and would be really expensive.” “You applied for a scholarship and all that, didn’t you?” “Yeah, but all that is up in the air still.” “You still have months before you have to decide.” “True, but I would like to figure out what I’m going to be doing this fall. I really want to go ahead and start college, but I don’t want to be away from you.” “So think about schools that are fairly close by. If you picked a school in South Bend, Valparaiso, Fort Wayne, Kokomo, Muncie, or even Indianapolis you could come home on weekends.” “Yeah, I might do that. We could probably survive not seeing each other through the week if we had weekends together.” “At least we could look forward to making up for lost time when you came home,” said Casper grinning and wiggling his eyebrows. “Mmm, that part does sound good. Being away from each other through the week might be easier than we think. After all, we’ll both have school to keep us busy.” “True.” “I think that’s the direction I’m going to take for now,” I said. “I’ll focus on the schools near at hand. We can always look at schools farther away when you graduate.” “Yeah, because then we could go together, and it won’t matter where we are.” I took Casper in my arms and hugged him. The hugging turned to kissing. Soon our bedroom door was locked and we were entwined in each other’s arms on the bed. Our lovemaking was disturbed before it had a chance to truly get started, however, by a knock at the door. “Yeah?” I called out. “Phone, Brendan,” said Ethan. “It’s your mom.” “My mom? I’ll be right there!” I yelled through the door. “I’d better talk to her,” I said to Casper. “I’m sorry.” “We can pick up where we left off later,” said Casper. I quickly pulled up my jeans, grabbed my shirt, and walked to the door. Having delivered his message, Ethan was already walking down the hall, but turned

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when he heard me coming out of the room I shared with Casper. He grinned when he saw me pulling on my shirt. “I don’t have to ask what you two were doing,” he said. I just smiled in response. I hurried down the stairs and picked up the phone. “Mom?” “Hello, son.” I grinned. There was a time when I thought my mom would never call me that again, or that I’d want to hear it. “How are you, Mom?” “Alone at the moment.” “Alone? What do you mean?” “Your father has taken off on a ‘business’ trip.” “So, what’s going on? Are you okay?” “I’m okay, Brendan. As for what is going on, I’m not sure. Your father has been staying in a motel. He showed up this morning, packed his bags, and announced he was going on a business trip to give me time to think things over. He said he was sure I’d come to my senses if I had a chance to think things through. I told him I’d already considered the situation and that a few days more wouldn’t change my opinion.” “I’m proud of you, Mom.” “It’s about time I stood up to your father. I’ve put up with his foolishness long enough.” “Do you need anything, Mom?” I asked. “Just to talk to my son. I’m not sure where things are going with Patrick, but things are going to change around here. I will not stand for being told to turn my back on my own son.” “Thanks, Mom. I love you.” “I love you, too.” Mom began to tell me about going out with some of her friends for lunch, attending some after-Christmas Christmas parties, a set of new dishes she bought herself, and a host of other ordinary, everyday matters. I listened attentively. Our conversation would have seemed mundane to anyone listening in, but it was anything but ordinary. My mother was at last developing a life of her own. Previously, her life had revolved around my father and me. She had cooked our meals, washed our clothes, and performed a thousand tasks that I had taken for granted as much as my father had. I detested resembling him in even that small way. At least I had thanked my mom occasionally and even bought her flowers now and then. Still, I had never truly appreciated what she had done for me. Now, she was

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beginning to take care of herself as she had us for so many years. It was about time. Mom deserved happiness. I filled Mom in on some of the little details of my life, and she even asked about Casper. I knew she was having difficulty adjusting to the fact I had a boyfriend, but she was making an effort, and I was more than willing to be patient with her. When I hung up the phone over an hour later, I smiled. ✶

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“Brendan! Sledding after school! Are you up for it?” called out Brandon as he ran past me on my way to the cafeteria. “Yeah!” I barely had time to call after him as he sped away. He must have been starving or, more likely, eager to spend every second he could with Jennifer. Walking through the halls of Verona High School felt different after Christmas vacation. I had experienced more than my share of upheavals, yet after coming to Verona, my life seemed as if it would continue as it always had. There would always be football practices and games; there would always be lunch periods with friends; there would always be joking around in the locker room. Suddenly, ‘always’ had become a short time period indeed. I realized it was all about to end in a matter of weeks. This time would never come again, so I sought to enjoy it as I never had before. I had already played my last high-school football game, perhaps my last real football game period. The joking around in the locker room was limited to a few minutes before and after P.E. I still had classes, lunch with my friends, and plenty else to enjoy, but it was all coming to an end. It was weird how I was beginning to feel a bit nostalgic about something as lifeless as government class, yet the feeling was there. I actually envied those who would be returning to V.H.S. in the fall for another school year and wondered if I would ever walk these halls again. Devon sneered at me as we passed each other in the hallway. I guessed there were some things I wouldn’t miss. I wondered how Casper would fare next year when Ethan and I, among others, were gone. We wouldn’t be around to protect our boyfriends. Ethan would most likely be staying on the farm instead of going off to school, so he would be near at hand to keep the jerks in line. I would be home on weekends at least. It wouldn’t be the day-to-day contact it was now, but I could still keep an eye on things. I doubted anyone would give Casper much trouble even without me around. Everyone knew I was his boyfriend and that anyone who messed with him had to answer to me.

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I paused for just a moment before I made my way to my usual table in the cafeteria. Casper, Ethan, Nathan, Jon, Brandon, and a host of other regulars were already seated. They were talking and laughing and carrying on. Shawn and Casey were sitting side by side, joining in with my teammates and classmates. I was really going to miss this when it was gone. I guess I was getting sentimental in my old age. I continued on and put my tray down in my reserved space across from Casper. “There you are!” said Jon. “Brandon says you’re up for sledding with us.” “Yeah. Where are we sledding, and who’s coming? Brandon neglected to give me any details,” I said, giving him a sideways glance. “We’re meeting at the sledding hill after school,” said Jon. “Sledding hill?” “Yeah, just north of town. Ethan can show you,” said Brandon. “Everyone is going,” said Jon. “Well, everyone cool that is …” “Aww, then I guess you won’t be coming, Jon,” said Brandon. “Shut up! As I said before I was so stupidly interrupted, everyone cool is coming; Ethan, Nathan, Shawn, Casey, Tim, Casper, Brandon, Jennifer, you, me, and uh … I forget, but it’ll be a blast! The snow is perfect!” “I’m definitely in, then,” I said. “I haven’t been sledding since last winter.” “Jennifer is coming, huh?” asked Ethan. “That means she and Brandon will be too busy making out to sled.” “We’ll take sledding breaks,” said Brandon. “Besides, we have a deep, meaningful relationship. There’s more to us than just sex.” “Sure there is,” said Jon. Brandon flipped him off. “Brandon. I’ve told you a thousand times I don’t like you like that.” Jon and Brandon spent the next few minutes going off on each other while the rest of us laughed. Yeah, I was really going to miss times like this when they were over. “Brendan?” I turned at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. “Yeah? Um, Erica, right?” “Yes. I’m on the booth committee for the Winter Carnival, and I was wondering if you would mind volunteering some time for the kissing booth.” “Are you sure you’re asking the right guy?” asked Jon. “Wouldn’t you raise more money with a guy who actually likes girls?” “Not if he’s you,” said Brandon. “You’d have to pay them, but I guess you’re used to that.”

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“Screw you, Hanson.” “Hey, you just told me a few minutes ago you weren’t like that. I guess you go for guys after all, huh?” Erica didn’t quite know what to make of Brandon and Jon. I looked across the table at Casper, silently asking permission. He nodded. “Yeah, sure, if you want me,” I said. “Great!” said Erica. “We conducted an informal poll to see who the most girls would be interested in kissing, and you won hands down.” “How did I do?” asked Jon. “Are you sure you want to hear the answer to that?” asked Brandon. “It could be embarrassing.” Jon flipped Brandon off. “Your name came up quite a few times,” said Erica, earning a pleased grin from Jon. “Would you like to volunteer?” “Hell, yeah!” Brandon started to speak, but Ethan held his hand over Brandon’s mouth. Before she left the table she’d also asked Ethan, Shawn, Brandon, and Tim if they would like to volunteer for a few minutes in the booth. All of them volunteered. I noticed Ethan and Brandon, and Shawn looking at their partners, silently asking for permission before answering. At first, I wondered why Shawn gave Casey a questioning look, but then I realized that not everyone sitting near knew that Shawn and Casey’s relationship was only for show. “I noticed she didn’t ask you or me,” said Casper to Nathan when Erica had departed. “Sorry, I think they only ask the major hunks … and Brandon,” said Jon. “You and Nathan are just run-of-the-mill hunks. I have no idea why Brandon was asked.” “Up yours, Deerfield,” said Brandon, cracking a smile. “You know why she asked me. Girls will be lining up for miles for a chance to lock lips with me.” “Wake up, Brandon! You’re dreaming again!” called out Jon. I noticed Brandon said nothing about Jon’s lack of a girlfriend. They verbally attacked each other frequently, but carefully avoided actually hurting each other. “I still kind of wonder why Erica asked you gay guys,” said Jon. “A lot of girls find gay boys very hot,” said Casey. “Really?” asked Jon. “Oh, yeah. You should hear some of the things I’ve heard from the other girls.” “Like what?” asked Jon.

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“Well, let’s just say that if the carnival committee was selling shirtless posters of Brendan and Ethan, they’d make a fortune.” “Hey, maybe we should go into modeling,” said Brandon. “We could do posters and calendars.” “I don’t remember anyone mentioning your name,” said Jon. “Hey, I’m nearly as built as Brendan and Ethan.” “You wish,” said Jon. “I’m better built than you!” “Again,” said Jon, “you wish!” I shook my head and laughed as Jon and Brandon lost themselves in yet another round of putdowns. ✶

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I wrapped my arms around Casper tightly as we hurtled down the hill. The sledding hill turned out to be something more akin to a cliff in my estimation. I’d been on roller coasters with calmer descents. Both Casper and I yelled as we took the plunge and plummeted at breakneck speed. The icy wind rushed past us, making my cheeks numb and stealing my breath away. The intense descent lasted several seconds before the grade lessened and our Radio Flyer began to slow. Near the end, I turned a bit too sharply to avoid a tree, sending the sled, Casper, and myself tumbling into the snow. We came up laughing and dusting the damp snow off our coats, jeans, scarves, and caps. The whole gang was present. Those waiting their turn or trudging back up the slope watched the daredevils who took their lives in their hands and braved the hill. Casper and I earned a round of applause for wiping out, but we weren’t the first to do so, nor the last. “I’m glad I followed Ethan’s advice and wore insulated underwear,” said Casper. “Me, too. My legs are cold as it is. It’s going to take me hours to warm up when we go home.” “We’ll snuggled under the blankets,” said Casper. “Mmm, I feel warmer already.” We must have spent an hour and a half on the sledding hill, most of it climbing back up to the top. That was the problem with sledding: there was a whole lot of trudging uphill for a short time of careening downhill. It was worth it, though. “I vote for hot cocoa at Ofarim’s,” said Tim as the light began to fail. “Me, too,” said Jennifer.

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I looked over at Casper. “What do you think? You want to go to Ofarim’s on your day off or would you rather just go home?” “Let’s go! I’m freezing, and hot cocoa sounds good.” Some fifteen minutes later we were all sitting in booths in Ofarim’s awaiting our hot cocoa. Brandon had elected to order a triple-cheeseburger and fries as well. I sat next to Casper, while Ethan and Nathan sat across from us. Brandon and Jennifer sat with Shawn and Casey, while Jon and Tim sat at another booth. It was too bad Dane couldn’t have joined us. I was sure Tim would have agreed with that. Shawn said that Dane was all Tim could talk about most of the time. It was a good thing Shawn and Tim were playing their parts as straight boys, because Devon chose to enter Ofarim’s just then with his minions: Alex, Jeremy, and Rob. Devon wouldn’t dare to cause any trouble, not even with his gang present, but the last thing Shawn or Tim need was to be pegged as queer. Ethan, Brandon, Jon, and I kept Devon & Company in line for the most part, but I knew Devon would quickly spread the word if he found out that both Myer brothers were gay. It would get back to their father, and there would be hell to pay. The homophobes took a booth as far away from the rest of us as possible and did their best to ignore us. Devon perpetually appeared to be dying to say something nasty, but he always kept his mouth shut around me. I had no doubt he trashed us behind our backs, but my friends and I didn’t really care. Devon was a jerk; he could say what he wanted. It would be another matter entirely if he laid a finger on any of us. Personally, I wouldn’t have minded pounding his face one bit, not after hearing about all the crap he’d pulled in the past. Brandon hated him with a vengeance. He blamed Devon for Mark’s and Taylor’s deaths. If I was Devon, I wouldn’t have so much looked at Brandon cross-eyed. Devon did indeed seem like a dog with its tail between its legs whenever Brandon was around. I think he feared him more than he feared anyone else, and with good reason. I almost couldn’t believe it when Ethan told me Brandon had once come within a hair’s breadth of killing Devon. I forced such dire thoughts from my mind. I would not allow unpleasantness to intrude upon my time with my friends. I reveled in the warmth of Ofarim’s and only pulled off my gloves, cap, and scarf when our hot cocoa arrived. I was beginning to warm up nicely, but was still having fond thoughts of snuggling with Casper later in the night.

Dane

If I had known how good working out would make me feel, I would’ve started long ago. Simon, Craig, and I met at my locker every other day and then walked to Simon’s house for a workout session. I was already beginning to look a little better, and I felt fantastic! I could see why Shawn, Brendan, and most of the Verona crowd worked out. Nothing had ever made me feel so good—well, except for sex, and I couldn’t do that nearly as often. I had a boyfriend. I’d made some new friends. I’d taken the first steps on the road to becoming buff. My life was steadily improving in all areas but one—Billy. I’d largely put Billy behind me. True, I had once had a major crush on him, but his reaction to my sexual orientation crushed any hopes of something happening between us. I would have likely clung to the idea of dating Billy, but Tim shoved all thoughts of him right out of my head. Billy, on the other hand, didn’t seem able to put me behind him. Every time our paths crossed he glared at me as if I’d broken his favorite record or ratted him out for cheating on a test. The hateful glares Billy shot at me soon turned to shoving and tripping. After he “accidentally” shouldered me for the third time there was no doubt it was intentional. Then came the day he kicked my feet out from underneath me from behind. I went sprawling on my face while my books and papers flew everywhere. Billy laughed at me and called me clumsy. After that I kept on guard and perhaps became a bit paranoid, fearing Billy was slipping up behind me when it was just some harmless classmate. Despite my caution he managed to knock my feet out from under me practically every day. He shoved me into walls and lockers plenty of times, too. The worse part is that - 175 -

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some of his buddies decided to get in on the fun and began to pick on me. Once they started in I had not one, but four boys out to get me. I tried to turn the other cheek, hoping Billy would tire of his game, but it was endlessly entertaining to him. Rue discovered what was going on and cut Billy off for a few days. Unfortunately, Billy blamed me for it and became even meaner than before. Finally, Billy pissed me off enough that I confronted him. “Why are you being such a jerk?” I asked him after he’d slammed me into the lockers yet again. “What did I ever do to you, huh?” “Shut up, faggot.” The color drained from my face as Billy glared down at me. He suddenly seemed much taller than before, while I felt smaller. I looked around nervously. Simon was fiddling with his locker nearby, clearly eavesdropping now that the F-word had been mentioned. Others were listening in, too. Rue had promised me Billy would keep what he knew to himself. “Billy …” “I said shut up, faggot! Don’t talk to me! You want to know why I pick on you? Huh? Because you’re a disgusting little faggot and you make me sick!” “Dude, that’s not cool,” said one of Billy’s buddies who up until then had been playing right along with Billy’s “Bash Dane” game. “It’s true,” said Billy to his growing audience. “We used to hang out, but then I found out the truth. He told me himself he’s queer. That’s why I quit being friends with him.” I couldn’t bear the betrayal. We’d been such good friends. How could he have forgotten that so quickly? Billy turned and glared into my eyes. “I bet you wanted me, didn’t you, you sick fuck? That’s why you wanted to become friends with me.” “I … I …” “You fucking faggot,” said Billy. Half a second later, his fist flashed out and nailed me in the gut. I groaned and doubled over in pain. Billy shoved his way past me, knocking me to the floor in the process. The small crowd that had gathered slowly dispersed until only Simon was standing there looking down at me. He took a step toward me, and at first I thought he was going to give me a hand up, but he shook his head. “We can’t be friends anymore,” he said, turned on his heel, and walked away. I pulled my knees up to my chest and began to cry. Whispers followed me through the hallways after the incident with Billy. The whispers grew into murmurs as the day progressed and by mid-afternoon the

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murmurs swelled into a full-blown symphony of muttered swear words, all directed at me. Everywhere I went the words “faggot,” “homo,” “fairy,” and “cocksucker” followed me, all softly spoken as if even those speaking them feared to unleash the full force of their fury. By the end of the day, the symphony had become loud and intense, and guys called me “fag” right to my face. Craig had somehow failed to hear the rumor about me, or I should say rumors because one had become many in the few hours since Billy had outed me in the hallway. Craig nodded and waved from a distance, approaching my locker for our usual rendezvous, but then Simon grabbed him by the elbow and whispered in his ear. The two of them looked in my direction. I lowered my eyes to avoid their accusing gazes. I’d read the message there: “You’re not like us, you’re one of them. You aren’t our friend anymore.” Tears began to well in my eyes. I quickly stuffed my books into my backpack and rushed from the school. I couldn’t bear it inside one more second. I couldn’t breathe in there. I was smothered by the accusations and condemnations. Billy had charged me with the crime of homosexuality, and I’d been pronounced guilty by my peers. The sentence they would hand down was soon to come. Not until I’d hurried home and locked myself in my room did I feel safe from prying eyes. Never before had I so yearned to call Tim and hear his comforting voice. I felt completely, utterly isolated, but I reminded myself that I wasn’t alone. I had Tim. He wasn’t at my side, and I couldn’t even talk to him on the phone, but he was with me still. I clung to him across the miles at that moment, as if he was a lifeline. I fell onto my bed and curled up into a ball. I’d long feared being outed. It had hovered on the edges of my dreams, a nightmarish monster ready to devour me if given half a chance. I’d pictured it happening in hundreds of different ways, but I never dreamed it would come so casually, almost as if an afterthought. Billy had outed me on an angry whim. He had unleashed the ultimate destructive power against me without giving it a second thought. Whatever love and respect I had for him died at that moment. I now despised the one I had loved with all my heart. I must have cried myself to sleep, for I awakened later. I looked at the clock. It was nearly suppertime. I stood and looked in the mirror, my cheeks tear-stained. I was not yet ready to tell my parents what had happened, so I walked down the hall and washed my face to hide the evidence that I’d been crying. I felt calmer after my short sleep—not happy, not even okay, but resigned to my fate. What had been done could not be undone. The words Billy had unleashed could not be reined in. They had rampaged through the halls of M.H.S., and anyone who

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didn’t know the truth about me now would by first period tomorrow morning. My entire world had suddenly changed for the worse. The remainder of the week was a smorgasbord of bullying and abuse. The ugly side of my classmates and former friends was revealed. Each of us so called civilized humans walk around behind a mask of kindness, but when given the least excuse, our mask is ripped away and our true natures are revealed. I have a feeling that we’ve set up punching bags for ourselves throughout time: groups that are considered undeserving of simple kindness and understanding, groups we can abuse while telling ourselves we’re still good and kind. There was always some minority punching bag available. For the Nazis it was the Jews, for many in the mid-twentieth century it was the blacks, in the nineteenth century it was the Indians, in Roman times it was the Christians, and now it’s us gays: it’s okay to call us names, beat us, spit on us, deny us our rights, steal what is ours, and make our lives a living hell, because we’re deemed undeserving of the least consideration. I won’t even tell you the worst of the abuses perpetrated upon me. It was that bad. The least of them—the name calling, the slurs, the shoves, and the laughter were bad enough. Add to that getting punched in the face, the gut, the chest, and the back and you’ll get an idea of my average day. I’m not going into details because, sadly, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, or worse, have experienced it yourself. On second thought, I will tell you the worst of it—not the worst as in nasty things that were done to me or said about me, but what really got to me the most. I’ve never had many friends, and that’s understandable. Throughout most of my life I haven’t been especially friendly or kind. After my summer in Verona I did my best to change and gained a few friends. Those friends were gone now. That was truly the worst of my situation: to look at Billy or Craig or Simon knowing how they had turned on me. That hurt me more than anything else. I think the way Simon turned his back on me hurt me the most. I’d gone out of my way to be kind to him, to pay attention to him and help him when others wouldn’t. Simon didn’t abuse me. He didn’t call me names, trip me, or punch me. He did ignore me, however. When he saw me walking down the hall, he hid behind others or changed course to avoid me. Simon’s behavior toward me cut deeper than any of the abuse. I expected abuse from Billy and wasn’t at all surprised by it from Craig, but Simon … I guess I just thought that maybe he’d be there for me as I’d been there for him. I yearned to run away to Verona again. How odd it was that I thought of those Verona boys as my true friends. They were the very boys I’d sought to prey

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upon. They were the ones who had seen me at my very worst, yet when the chips were down they saved me and took care of me. My enemies had taken me in when they had absolutely no reason to do so. They owed me nothing but contempt, yet when disaster struck, they were the ones who befriended me. What kind of world was this where enemies acted as friends and friends as enemies. It was no wonder we were all so confused. I had to fess up and tell my parents what was going on the day after Billy outed me. There was no way to hide it. I came home with a black eye and a bruised cheek. Mom cried and fussed over me. Dad flew into a rage. My parents were sitting in the principal’s office the next day before school even started. They didn’t tell me what was said, but neither of them was happy when I came home that evening. When Mom went out for groceries, Dad called me out of my room. At first I thought I was in trouble, but it soon became apparent that the anger in his eyes wasn’t directed at me, but at those who abused me. Dad told me that although fighting wasn’t usually a good idea, defending myself was perfectly acceptable. He told me to do what I had to do to protect myself and that he would handle the school. He even taught me a few things about fighting. I’d been in a few fights over the years, but Dad showed me how to block some punches and how to throw them in ways I hadn’t considered before. Before Mom returned, Dad told me that our talk was just between us guys. I gave him a hug. I loved my dad. I was suspended on Friday afternoon for giving a couple of jerks what they deserved. Two sophomores who I didn’t even know cornered me in the boy’s restroom, called me “faggot” and “cocksucker” and began pushing me back and forth. I tried to escape until one of them clocked me in the jaw. That’s when I turned and attacked. I punched him in the stomach as hard as I could, and he doubled over with a loud grunt of pain. Of course that pissed off his pal, and he immediately jumped on me and began beating the shit out of me. They had me down on the floor, punching and kicking me. I saw my chance and took it. I drove the sole of my shoe right into the largest boy’s nuts full force. He screamed and crumpled to the floor. That earned me a kick in the head from his friend, but I somehow managed to grab his foot and twist. He went down and I scrambled up and staggered out of the restroom. I was spotted by a teacher almost immediately and sent to the nurse. Half an hour later I was sitting in the principal’s office. An hour after that I was still sitting there while my dad was inside shouting at the principal. The boys who attacked me were given three days’ detention. I was given three days’ suspension. I also “won” a trip to the hospital, just to make sure I was okay. Being outed was everything I thought it would be.

Shawn

Webb Castleton was my last shot at finding a boyfriend; at least it seemed that way. I drove toward Plymouth yet again, wondering if my evening would be a colossal waste of time. We were meeting at the Pizza Hut, which did not bode well. Then again, my date with Cameron hadn’t been a total loss. I didn’t exactly have a great batting average with the Plymouth boys. There was Cameron “the flamer” Camden, Blake “I just want to fuck you” York, Riley “jail-bait” DeCoteau, and finally Preston “personality-free” Presley. Maybe it was something in the water. Our date began well. Webb was good-looking at least. He had curly black hair, brown eyes, a nice smile, and a handsome, tanned face. I couldn’t tell a great deal about his build under his sweater, but he looked like he was in good shape. He definitely had a nice ass. I checked him out as we were walking toward our booth. We agreed on our choice of toppings with no trouble, and while waiting on our pizza we discussed football and music. Webb didn’t play on the Plymouth team, but he did enjoy playing ball with his friends. We liked the same kinds of music and even had some of the same albums. I grew more and more pleased as the minutes ticked away. I was more compatible with Webb than with any of the others I’d met. He wasn’t a flamer. He was my age, so he wasn’t jailbait. He had a great personality. He was handsome and sexy, and I was already thinking about what it would be like to make out with him. He wasn’t putting the moves on me right away as Blake had, so hopefully he was looking for more than a quick

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orgasm. By the time our pizza arrived I had high hopes that I’d found myself a boyfriend. “I’m going to go out on a limb here,” I said as we ate. “I don’t know how you feel about me, but I really like you. We have a lot of the same interests, and you seem like a great guy. I’d like to go out with you again.” “I’d like that, too, Shawn,” said Webb, smiling at me. My heart beat faster, and I felt happiness consume me. Yes! “How about Friday night?” I asked. “We could catch a movie, eat out, whatever.” “Um, Friday is no good. Joe and I always go out on Fridays.” “Joe?” “My boyfriend.” “Your boyfriend?” “Yeah. I could do Saturday night, as long as we don’t go to the Reece Cinema. He works there. If he sees me with another guy he’ll throw a fit.” “I didn’t know you already had a boyfriend.” “Yeah, but, I dunno if I’m happy with him. He’s cool, but … you know. I’m looking around for someone better.” Just great, I thought to myself. I’m looking for a boyfriend and Webb is comparison shopping. I was not pleased, to say the least. “So, you’re just looking for someone to go out with, not … get intimate with.” “Oh no, I’m very interested in intimacy, especially with a guy like you.” “I see.” “What?” “I’m looking for a boyfriend.” “So am I.” “But, you already have one.” “Yeah, but, like I said, I’m looking around for someone better.” My hopes went crashing to the ground, and just when the situation was looking so hopeful, too. “I don’t think this is going to work.” “Why not? You said yourself you like me. We have the same interests …” “I’m looking for a serious relationship.” “Maybe we could have that. Who knows? We just met.”

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“I know we just met, and I don’t expect commitment on the first date, but … I just don’t think this will work. I don’t think you can be as committed as I want.” “Why?” “You’re dating someone, and you’re looking around behind his back. That’s not where I want to start.” “So I’m looking around, so what? Most relationships don’t last.” “True, but I just don’t think it’s right to look for someone when you already have someone.” “I don’t see what the big deal is. If I broke up with Joe, I’d start looking for someone. I’m not sure he’s what I want, so I’m looking while I’m still dating. There’s really no difference.” “There is to me,” I said. “I’m sorry.” I stood up and put a ten on the table. “Um, are you sure?” asked Webb. “Even if you don’t want to date we could still …” “No, we can’t. I wouldn’t feel right about that.” “Your loss,” said Webb. I walked away without another word. How could anyone be so casual about cheating on his boyfriend? I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised in a world filled with divorce and lack of commitment, but still it made me angry to see someone treat what I wanted so badly with such disrespect. Even if I was willing to be a party to Webb cheating, what guarantee did I have he wouldn’t cheat on me and look for someone better if we dated? It didn’t matter. If Webb wanted to cheat on his boyfriend that was his business, but I wasn’t going to be a part of it. What a depressing evening. I’d reached the end of my list without finding what I was seeking. It wasn’t because I was being too picky, either. Okay, maybe I could have tried to overlook Cameron’s flaming qualities, but he just didn’t do that much for me. Even sex with him would be just … okay … not great, not fantastic, just okay. As far as shared interests, we had none. As for the others, I wasn’t being too choosy with them either. There just wasn’t a single guy on the list who was right for me. I was back to square one. It’s too bad there weren’t vending machines that sold boyfriends like soft drinks, just pop in a dollar, press the button, and voilà! That would have made life so much easier. To top it all off I was still hungry. I hadn’t eaten much before I found out Webb was a player. My stomach grumbled. I considered treating myself to a nice supper at The Park’s Edge, but it was expensive, and I’d already blown ten bucks on my failed date. Besides, I was bummed out and probably wouldn’t even enjoy

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it. I opted for Ofarim’s instead. I was starving by the time I got there, even though it was only a short drive. “Whoa, you must be hungry,” said Casper after I’d ordered a half-pound burger with the works, a large order of fries, fried cheese sticks, onion rings, a large chocolate shake, and a large Coke. “I’m starving. Be careful when you set my food down. You could lose a finger.” Casper laughed and I gave him a half-hearted smile as he departed. Ofarim’s was empty and I was relieved. I wasn’t in the mood to pal around with anyone. Perhaps doing so would have pulled me out of my funk, but for the moment I wanted to wallow in disappointment and loneliness. It seemed everyone had someone but me. Casper had Brendan, Ethan had Nathan, Tim had Dane, and even my “girlfriend” had a girlfriend of her own. I guess that just left Jon and me. Now why couldn’t he be gay? It would have solved both our problems. I would have jumped at the chance to date a boy like Jon. Unfortunately, he wasn’t gay, and that couldn’t be changed. At least I wouldn’t die a virgin. I could hook up with Blake. As hot as that was, however, it wasn’t what I truly wanted. Our time together was great while it lasted, but it just didn’t last that long. Even if we prolonged it as much as possible, it took an hour at most and then it was, “Thanks, bye, come again,” or worded in more familiar phrase, “Wham, bam, thank you, Shawn.” That’s not what I was seeking. I just wanted someone to love me, dammit! Tears actually welled up in my eyes, but I fought them down. Crying wasn’t my way, and it wouldn’t help. If crying would get me a boyfriend, I’d go home and bawl my eyes out until he appeared, but it didn’t work like that. My life just sucked, plain and simple. Yeah, I know, things had improved dramatically in recent weeks, but I wasn’t done wallowing in self-pity yet. My heart ached. I could just picture myself as some old guy in a nursing home who had never had a boyfriend. I wouldn’t die a virgin, but I would die alone. Casper brought out my order, and I began to eat, quickly at first, then more slowly. There was no reason to hurry. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Ofarim’s was destined to be the highlight of my evening. The bell on the door rang and I looked up. That was the first time I ever laid eyes on Tristan Graham Cole. I sighed at the sight of him. He was perfect, but oddly enough not any perfect I had ever imagined. He was my height, about 6'1", but slimmer of build. His hair, which he wore shoulder-length and loose, was black, luxuriant, and ever so slightly curly. His eyes were deep and dark, a chocolate brown. He was

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Calvin-Klein-model good looking, with full red lips, high cheekbones, and arched eyebrows. He wore small, round glasses and a brown, suede duster over jeans and a dark-green sweater. I had never seen anyone more beautiful in all my life. Even his glasses made him look incredibly sexy. If someone had described him to me, I wouldn’t have been the least interested in Tristan. After all, neither long hair nor glasses excited me. Most would have described Tristan as studious rather than studly, and that wouldn’t have excited me either, but words could not do justice to the boy who had just walked through the door of Ofarim’s. I felt like Tim and Dane must have when they first set eyes on each other. I wasn’t positive, but I was pretty sure I was in love. Something seemed familiar about Tristan. The sensation confused me, for the boy before me was someone completely new. Tristan looked around the small restaurant, deciding where to sit. My heart beat faster as his eyes met mine. I felt giddy and nervous, but smiled. “Would you like to join me?” I asked. I was being bold, but I had to get closer to this boy whose name I did not yet know. I had to hear him speak. He smiled at me and became more beautiful still. In that instant I understood why I felt as if I’d met him before. His smile connected the dots for me. If Taylor would’ve had black hair and brown eyes instead of blond and blue, he would have been Tristan. This was no ghost standing near me, however, but a real, live, beautiful boy. “Yeah, I’d like that,” he said. “Tristan,” he said, coming closer and offering his hand. “I’m Shawn,” I said, shaking it. Tristan sat across from me as Casper brought him ice water and a menu. He grinned at Casper sweetly. I couldn’t take my eyes off Tristan. He simply took my breath away. “You’re beautiful,” I said. My eyes grew wide and I nearly choked as I realized I’d spoken the words out loud. Casper gawked at me in disbelief. Tristan looked up from his menu as I began to sputter and stammer. “I mean I … you’re … I didn’t mean that … I did, but …” “Thank you,” he said. “I find you quite attractive, too.” Tristan’s eyes sparkled. He winked at me, and I just about melted right then and there. Casper stared at us. I couldn’t believe I’d let my guard down like that. I couldn’t believe the beautiful boy sitting across from me had thanked me and told me he found me attractive. Could it actually be? Was it truly possible?”

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“I’m, uh … I’ve never seen you before. Are you in town visiting someone or …?” Casper walked back behind the counter, likely in as much of a daze as I was. “We just moved in,” said Tristan, “Mom and me, that is. Well, we’re moving in. Mom’s showing the movers where to put everything right now. We just got in yesterday. I decided to explore a little. I’ve been cooped up in a car for days. We drove all the way from Oklahoma.” YES! I thought. “So you’re going to live here?” “Yeah, my dad passed away just a few weeks ago, and Mom said she couldn’t take living in Tulsa anymore: too many memories.” “I’m sorry about your dad.” “Thanks. It’s hard, but I’m learning to deal with it.” “So, um, if you don’t mind my asking, why did you come to Verona? There’s not a great deal here, and it sure can’t be exciting compared to Tulsa.” “We’ve got family here. My mom’s sister lives here. I had a cousin, but he … died. He was just a bit older than I am, you might have known him.” “Yeah? What was his name?” “Taylor, Taylor Potter.” “Taylor is … was your cousin?” I asked, astonished. No wonder Tristan looked a lot like Taylor. It was a family resemblance. “Yes. Did you know him?” “Yeah,” I said. “We weren’t real close or anything, but I knew him, and he was cool. Some of my friends … Well, they were his best friends.” “I saw him the summer before he died—well, pretty much every summer before then. My mom and his took turns visiting each other. We would travel to Ohio, and they would come out to Oklahoma. Taylor and I were close. Everyone used to think we were brothers because we looked so much alike. I was known as the dark twin.” Tristan smiled. “You know, when you walked in, I knew I’d never seen you before, but there was something familiar. I couldn’t figure it out until you smiled, but once you did you reminded me of Taylor.” “He was always smiling. I miss him,” said Tristan. “I only got to see him for about a week each summer, but we kept in touch. I cried for days when Aunt Shirley called with the news.” “So you know … how he died, right, and why?” “Yeah, I know. I wish I could have been here for him. I keep thinking that maybe I could have kept it from happening. The last letter I received from him arrived the very same day I found out he’d killed himself. I’d read it not an hour

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before. He was spending a few days with his boyfriend on a farm, and he seemed so much happier than he had for weeks before that. We kept in touch by letter and phone, so I knew all about what was happening to him. When I got that letter I thought things were at last going well for him, and then the call came. It was such a shock, and it didn’t make any sense at the time. I found out more about it later, though. It was so horrible.” “His friends miss him a lot,” I said. “I can easily believe that. He was so cool.” “Do you mind if I ask you something very personal, Tristan? You don’t have to answer, of course …” “Sure, go right ahead.” “Are you gay?” “Are you asking me that because Taylor was?” “Partly, but mostly …” I swallowed hard. “I’m asking because …” My voice began to tremble. “Yes,” said Tristan. “I am.” “Yes!” I said, practically shouted, in fact. Tristan laughed at my reaction. “Am I to take it from your enthusiastic reaction that you’re gay, too?” “Yes,” I said. “And that perhaps you’re … interested in me?” “Very,” I said. Tristan grinned at me. “Good.” We just sat there smiling at each other for several long moments. “Would you like me to show you around town?” I asked. “I’d love it.” I looked over my shoulder and called out to Casper. “Hey, Casper, come and meet my new boyfriend!” Tristan laughed as Casper came toward us. “Huh?” asked Casper, confused. “I’m kidding, maybe, but Tristan is one of us.” “One of us?” “What Shawn is trying to say is that I’m a homo.” “Ohhhhhhh. Um, welcome to the club.” “Thanks, but I joined years ago. I was born a member. I hope you’ll take my word for it. I don’t have my membership card with me.” I liked Tristan’s sense of humor. “Get this,” I said to Casper, “Tristan is Taylor’s cousin.”

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“Are you serious?” asked Casper. “Yep.” “I never met Taylor, but that’s bizarre. What are the odds?” “Pretty good, actually,” said Tristan, laughing. “Our moms are sisters, so we pretty much had to be cousins.” “I’ll have to tell Ethan and Nathan,” said Casper. “They were friends of Taylor’s, especially Ethan,” I explained. “They’re also a couple.” “Just how many gay boys are there in this town?” asked Tristan. “No more than in any other I suppose, but most of them are out. I’m not, by the way, so I would appreciate your discretion.” “Certainly.” We paused while Casper took Tristan’s order. “Are you out?” I asked when Casper had departed. “My mom knows and my cousin knew, but otherwise, no.” “It’s fairly safe to be out around here.” “So why aren’t you out?” asked Tristan. “My dad.” I quickly explained my situation. “That’s rough. My dad never knew about me,” said Tristan. “I never got around to telling him. My mom has known for a year or so. When I told her, she just hugged me. I don’t think it was a shock. After all, we were shopping together when I came out to her.” Tristan laughed again. I loved the way he laughed so easily. “In addition to being her son, I think I’m also the daughter she never had. I don’t mean that I’m feminine, but I do love to shop and cook and decorate, so I’m not your average boy.” “I’m an average boy, except I like dick,” I said. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to speak boldly with Tristan. Tristan laughed out loud yet again. I really, really liked him. “So, do you play any sports when you’re not shopping, cooking, or decorating?” “Mmm, I’m afraid not. My cousin was the jock. I’m an artist, or I’m going to be anyway.” “I’m a football player.” “You look like one. I like football players. They’re so aggressive, and they’re usually built.” I smiled. My five failed attempts to find a boyfriend were suddenly forgotten. The bell on the door rang.

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“Uh-oh,” I said. “What?” “Devon. Major homophobe and Verona’s resident asshole. He hated your cousin by the way.” “Which one is he?” asked Tristan quietly as Devon and Rob took a seat at another booth and ignored us. “The blond.” “Too bad, he’s cute.” “Only on the outside.” “Well, if he hated Taylor, I’m sure we won’t get along, either. Should I go over and piss him off right now, or wait?” “I’d wait.” Tristan and I moved on to topics that Devon and Rob could overhear. Tristan was witty and funny. He was quiet in his way, yet he was quirky and outgoing, too. I had the feeling we would at least be good friends and hopefully much more. I’ve never told anyone but Casey this, but I had the major hots for Taylor when he was alive. I never dared dream he was like me, and, of course, when I found out he was indeed gay, he was already dating Mark. Taylor was beautiful, inside and out. I think that perhaps it was his personality that had truly attracted me, because I’d never been that hot for the pretty-boy type, nor for guys with long hair. If I was asked to describe my dream boy, I would describe someone like Brendan or Ethan: stronger, more rugged, and more classically masculine. I wondered if part of my attraction to Tristan wasn’t due to the attraction I’d had for Taylor. Tristan was as dark as Taylor had been blond, but other than that they could have been mistaken for brothers—well, maybe half brothers, anyway. I grinned at Tristan as we sat across from each other, talked, and ate. I had been feeling so low, and then he’d walked through the door and changed everything. Maybe it was always darkest before the dawn. In any case I had no doubt that there was a God, for he’d sent me an angel.

Brendan

I walked into the gymnasium with Casper and stood in awe. The winter carnival was a winter wonderland indeed. Whoever was in charge of decorations had gone all out. In the middle of the gym was a realistic-looking snowman surrounded by small pine trees and what looked like real snow. The booths surrounding the gym floor were decorated to look like they had snow and even icicles on them. At one end of the gym was a large ice sculpture of a snow queen. It was only when approaching more closely that I realized the sculpture wasn’t made of ice at all, but plastic wrap. The carnival was in full swing. I was due in the kissing booth in fifteen minutes, but Casper and I had a little time to look around first. The gym was crowded with kids and their parents eating snow cones, cupcakes, brownies, and about every other home-baked dessert one could imagine. There were also hot dogs, brats, hamburgers, and other types of food being sold around the perimeter of the gym. Some of the booths held games for prizes involving popping balloons with darts, knocking over pins with baseballs, tossing a football through a small hoop, et cetera. The carnival was a fundraiser, and it looked to be raising plenty of cash. Not everything cost at the carnival, however. Entry was free and so was the dance. It was only 7:20 p.m. or so, but I could hear the music coming from the cafeteria. Most of our dances were held in the gym, but it made sense not to have the booths, cake walk, and dance all in one place. I was truly glad the carnival was held indoors. Outside, it was a true winter wonderland, complete with real ice and flying snow. It was also about fifteen - 189 -

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degrees, and I wasn’t fond of freezing my butt off. It was much nicer inside, pretending that the snow and the snowman were real. As 7:30 loomed, Casper and I walked toward the kissing booth. Devon had somehow wheedled himself onto the list. I suppose I was allowing my dislike for him to color my perceptions. When one ignored his personality, Devon was rather good looking. Six girls were waiting in line to kiss him, including one who was rather overweight. I tensed as she handed Devon her dollar, but to his credit he smiled and kissed her as eagerly as the others. I released a sigh of relief. I thought for a moment about the prejudice that those who were overweight faced. In a lot of ways, they had it just as bad as gays. I was sure being called “fat ass” was no more pleasant than being called “fag.” Overweight people faced prejudice just like gays did. They were denied jobs, discriminated against, and looked down upon by a lot of others. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I was prejudiced against them as well. I don’t mean that I called them names or looked down upon them, but I didn’t think I’d ever date a boy who was overweight, no matter how cute he was. Of course, I had Casper and had no intention of dating anyone else ever, but the thought still didn’t make me feel very good about myself. I didn’t know what I could do about it, however. I just didn’t find overweight guys attractive. I didn’t know if it was even possible to change that. I think being gay made me more aware of the prejudice that others faced because of their race, sex, nationality, appearance, or whatever. I did my best not to be prejudiced against others, but it was difficult at times even for me. I would date a guy who was black, or Asian, or Jewish without giving it much consideration, but not one who was overweight. Did that make me a bad person? Perhaps I was being too hard on myself. Perhaps if I met the right guy, I wouldn’t have cared if he was overweight or not. I liked to think it would be like that, but then again I’d never know. I had Casper. I’d had a few guys and girls ask me why I was with Casper. He was definitely cute, but he wasn’t athletic and muscular. I think most people expected me to be dating someone like Ethan, another built jock. Those who didn’t quite get it only saw Casper and me from the outside. Casper was kind and loving. He was always there for me when I needed him. He was understanding, funny, and a good friend as well as a good lover. He wasn’t what one would call muscular, but he was compact and firm and defined. He was sexy as hell, and as far as sex was concerned—wow! I was willing to bet that not one guy in a hundred was as good as Casper in bed. All these thoughts ran through my head in the several seconds it took Devon to kiss his remaining customers. A wonderfully evil idea popped into my head as

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Casper and I approached the booth. I pulled a dollar out of my pocket and stepped up to Devon. Devon glanced at the dollar, then back to me. He snarled in contempt, but not before the slightest glimmer of excitement and desire crossed his features. I was momentarily shocked. “As if,” he said. “There’s no way I’m kissing a … guy.” “It was a joke, Devon,” I said and laughed. “Yeah, real funny.” “I’m here to replace you.” “Yeah,” huffed Devon, rolling his eyes. “Do you really think you’re going to get any business?” “Why? Because I’m gay?” “Exactly. It’s ridiculous to think any girl will be interested in you, knowing what you are.” Devon managed to be condescending and rude without quite stepping over the line. He was well-practiced. He knew if he went too far I’d kick his ass. “That’s exactly why there’s going to be a ton of girls lined up,” I said. “This is their only chance to kiss me.” “I bet you don’t raise five bucks.” “Oh, really? And just what are you willing to bet, Devon?” “Um, I dunno.” Devon suddenly looked uncertain. “How about the loser gives the winner a blow.” “Fuck, no!” “That was another joke, Devon. Don’t you have a sense of humor? I’m dating Casper you know,” I said, wrapping my arm around Casper’s shoulder and pulling him close. “I’m completely faithful to him.” “And that’s why you volunteered for the kissing booth?” “With his permission. This is completely different, and you know it. A lot of the guys in the booth tonight are dating someone. You’re still single, though, aren’t you, Devon? I guess you haven’t found the right guy … I mean, girl yet.” Devon glared at me. “So,” I said. “What do you want to bet? Ten bucks? Twenty? A hundred?” “Ten,” said Devon. “I don’t have twenty. It’s too bad because I know I’m gonna win.” “Sure,” I said. We switched places. I took Devon’s spot behind the booth, and he stepped out onto the floor. In under a minute ten girls were waiting in line. By the time I’d kissed the first two and taken their dollars, the line had grown to more than

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two dozen. I held out my hand. Devon grudgingly dug into his wallet, pulled out a ten, and handed it to me. “Hey, no cutting the line, Devon,” said Jon as he walked up to stand by Casper, who was looking on in amusement. “I wasn’t … I …” Devon became so flustered he couldn’t speak. He turned completely red. It was a few seconds before he could regain control. “It was a bet! I lost a bet, okay?” “What were you betting on? Penis size?” asked Jon. Devon shot him a nasty look and then shot away. Jon, Casper, and I enjoyed a good laugh at his expense. “I’m on until 8:15,” I told Casper. “Want to meet me back here then?” “Yeah, see you later.” Casper walked off with Jon, and I turned my attention to the next girl in line. I kissed her, and she gave a little squeal of delight. I was surprised so many girls were in line to kiss me. Despite what I’d told Devon, I’d had my doubts about how much business I’d get. Perhaps the girls were curious, however. There weren’t that many gay boys around, and we usually weren’t available for kissing girls. Maybe some girls were attracted to gay guys like a lot of guys were attracted to lesbians. Even guys who were disgusted by two guys together got all hot and horny when they thought about girl-on-girl action. It seemed hypocritical, but maybe not. After all, they were into girls, and girl-on-girl-stuff was all girl, so perhaps the attraction was logical. Maybe some girls were turned on by boy-on-boy action for the same reason: it was all boy. And maybe getting to kiss a gay boy was a thrill because of the connection. When Mr. Hahn came to collect the money from the kissing booth at 8:00, I handed him nearly two hundred bucks. He was amazed by the amount. Only about fifteen of it was raised by Devon. I’d been kissing girls like crazy. No matter how many I kissed, there were always a dozen or so in line. Many of them came back more than once. I gave my return customers extra-long kisses. The heavy-set girl who I’d watched kiss Devon came through the line more times than any of the others. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I teased her on her fourth trip. She giggled and smiled. “Hey, what’s your name?” “Nicole.” “I’m Brendan.” “I know,” she said dreamily. “Since you’ve been such a good customer, and because you’re so sweet and cute, I think you deserve a little something extra,” I told her.

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We weren’t supposed to touch our customers and all kisses were supposed to be closed mouth and of short duration—rules imposed by our Puritanical (or Satanical, depending upon how one viewed him) assistant principal, Mr. Montgomery. Rules were made for bending and breaking, however, and Mr. Montgomery was nowhere in sight. I leaned over the narrow counter, wrapped my arms around Nicole and gave her a long and deep French kiss. I could feel several pairs of eyes watching as I prolonged the kiss to nearly a full minute. “Wow,” said Nicole when I released her at last. I grinned. “I’m afraid my time is up,” I announced to disappointed “awws” from the line of girls. “Not to worry, someone better is coming up.” Just then Ethan arrived to relieve me. The girls in line forgot their disappointment. “How did you do?” asked Ethan as we exchanged places. “Close to two-hundred and fifty bucks.” “Wow.” “Get this: Devon only raised about fifteen.” Ethan laughed out loud at that and then turned to his first customer. Casper was waiting on me as I stepped away from the booth. “What do you want to do first?” he asked. “I need a drink. I’m thirsty after all that kissing.” “Probably tired, too, if you kissed them all the way you did that last girl.” “No, that one was special, the others got about a ten-second, closed-mouth kiss, as prescribed by Der Fuhrer.” “Making her feel special was really nice of you, Brendan.” “Well, she was nice, and I think she needed a little boost.” “That’s one of the many things I love about you: your compassion.” Casper leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. “You freaked Devon out when you came up to him with that dollar,” said Casper. “That was quite a risk. What would you have done if he’d taken it.” “I would have kissed him and slipped him the tongue, but there was no risk. There was no way in hell he was going to touch that dollar.” Casper laughed. “If you had Frenched him, he could never have lived with it.” “I’m not so sure about that.” “What do you mean?” “I saw something in Devon’s eyes that shocked me, just before he wrinkled his nose. For a fleeting moment there, in between the surprise and the disgust, I read desire.”

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“Are you serious? Devon was turned on by the idea of kissing you? Mr. Homophobe himself?” “Yes, I think there’s more to our arch enemy than meets the eye. I think that way down deep he’s a big old homo.” “I don’t want him batting for our team,” said Casper. “Who would?” “Are you sure about him?” “Pretty sure,” I said. “If you’re right, that just makes him worse.” “Yeah, worse and tormented.” “Tormented?” “Yeah, think about it. If he is gay, he obviously can’t deal with it. He tries so hard to hide it that he’s become a gay basher. Maybe he hates us so much because he sees something of himself in us. He hates himself even more. That’s a sad way to live. In a way, I pity him.” “I’m not sure I do. He chose to be a jerk.” “Maybe, or maybe the world chose for him. Not every victim of prejudice and hatred gets beat up the same way, you know?” “Maybe all he needs is to get laid,” said Casper. “It would probably help him a great deal, but he would have to come to terms with what he is first, and I don’t think he’s capable of that.” “It is sad, isn’t it? asked Casper. “Yeah. Of course, I could be wrong, in which case Devon is just an asshole.” We both laughed at that, but I had a gut feeling I wasn’t wrong about Devon. I wasn’t going to waste another moment pondering it, however. Spending time with Casper was far more important. I bought Casper and myself cherry snow cones with Devon’s money as we paced slowly around the gym. I stopped at the football toss and effortlessly threw the ball though the small opening the three times required to win a stuffed animal. “Which one do you like best?” I asked Casper. “The little polar bear,” he said. “We’ll take that one, then.” Kim Haley, who was operating the booth, handing me a soft, fuzzy little polar bear, which I handed to Casper. “Thanks, Brendan.” “You’re welcome, Babe,” I said and kissed his forehead.

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Casper and I displayed emotion more freely in public than we ever had before. We’d given our classmates a little time to get used to us as a couple at first, but now we thought nothing of hugging or even kissing each other around our friends. We didn’t make out in public like some couples did, but that choice had nothing to do with the fact we were both guys. We reserved that kind of thing for the bedroom, or the barn loft, or the car, or … well, you get the idea. I noticed Shawn standing with a boy up ahead, checking out the huge, soccer-team photos on the wall. Casper noticed them, too. “That’s Taylor’s cousin,” he said. “The one I told you about.” “Hey, Shawn,” I said as we neared. “Hey, Brendan. What’s up?” “I just finished my shift in the kissing booth.” “Yeah? How did you do?” I told him about my total, and Devon’s. He laughed. “This is Tristan,” said Shawn. “It’s nice to meet you,” I said, shaking his hand. I casually looked back and forth between Tristan and the photo of Taylor in the team photo on the wall. I’d never met Taylor, but there was definitely a resemblance between the two. “I guess Casper told you I’m Taylor’s cousin,” said Tristan, noting my comparison. “Yeah.” “Did you know him?” “No, Casper and I arrived in Verona after … he was gone.” “Oh, yes, that’s right. Casper told me.” “Tristan starts school tomorrow,” said Shawn. “My condolences,” I said. “It’s not that bad, is it?” asked Tristan. “No, I’m just kidding. It’s great, for the most part. Casper and I started here at the very end of the last school year. We were made to feel welcome by just about everyone, except the anti-gay crowd.” “I’ve been pointing some of them out,” said Shawn. “I’m showing Tristan around a bit and introducing him to a few people.” “I heard you met Devon,” I said. “Well, I saw him in that restaurant …” “Ofarim’s,” said Shawn. “Yeah,” said Tristan. “I thought he was kind of hot, but Shawn told me about him.”

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“Are you out?” I asked. “Just to my mom, and Shawn, and now you guys. I want to kind of settle in and see how things are before I decide. I don’t want to take on too much at once.” “That’s cool. Your secret is safe with us, of course. I’m sure Shawn will point out all the out and in boys, unless he wants to keep you all to himself.” Shawn grinned and turned slightly red. He was definitely interested in Tristan. I hoped Tristan returned his interest. Shawn needed someone special in his life. Tristan gazed back at Taylor’s photo. “It’s kind of weird, being here where Taylor was, going to his old school without him here,” said Tristan. “It’s like being in a friend’s house when he’s gone.” “I bet,” I said. “I’m sure I’ll keep wondering if he sat in the desk I’m sitting in, or used the same locker as me and stuff like that.” “Well, he definitely used this gym, the locker room, and the cafeteria,” said Shawn. “I was going to come here next summer to visit Tay. I had no idea I’d be living here so soon myself. I always wished we lived in the same town, but I guess this is the closest I’m going to get.” We were all silent for a while. I think no one knew what to say. “Well, I think Casper and I are going to hit the dance,” I said. “We’ve been here an hour and still haven’t danced yet.” “You guys are going to dance together?” asked Tristan. “Yeah.” “That’s cool. No one would have done that at my old school.” “Well, we do here. See you guys later.” Casper and I turned and walked across the gym. Just before we were out of earshot I heard Tristan say, “They’re a cute couple.” The music grew louder as we approached the exit to the gym. There was only a short stairway separating one corner of the gym from the cafeteria. We stepped down the stairs and into the darkened cafeteria. It didn’t look like the same place where we ate lunch every day. There was a mirror ball suspended from the ceiling, and dancing lights reflected all over the ceiling, floor, and walls. The air thudded with the bass beats of the music, and I could feel the notes vibrate against my body. I drew Casper out onto the dance floor, and we joined the middle of a fast-paced dance. Two males dancing together drew looks from our classmates,

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but not too many or for long. This wasn’t the first time Casper and I had danced together. Ethan and Nathan danced together sometimes, too. Not everyone approved, of course. Devon and his crowd greeted us with a frown and whispered among themselves, which was no surprise at all. A few other boys and even a few girls looked on with disapproval, but no one went so far as to say anything. The first time Casper and I had danced a slow dance together Mr. Montgomery tried to stop us, but when I asked if the school system intended to discriminate against us on the basis of sexual orientation, he backed off. Casper and I had come to Verona High School at a good time. As tragic as they were, the deaths of Mark and Taylor had changed things. The whole school had been taught a lesson in acceptance and what could happen to boys who were bullied and bashed. I’m not saying Verona had become some kind of gay paradise where all differences were accepted, but I think most people thought twice before making a rude comment or otherwise giving the handful of out gay boys a hard time. There was still trouble, discrimination, and violence, but less than in most places. It’s just too bad two boys had to die to make it happen. The next dance was a slow one, and I pulled Casper close to me. He put his head on my shoulder, and we slowly moved on the dance floor. I saw Shawn dancing with Casey and wondered where she had been when we met Tristan. I wondered what Tristan thought of Shawn and Casey’s arrangement. I spotted Tristan watching the dance from the sideline. I truly wished he and Shawn would get together. I wished they could dance as a couple like Casper and I could. Shawn would never be able to openly dance with another boy during his high-school years, however, not with his dad being such a homophobe and lunatic. I wondered if that would cause a rift between Tristan and Shawn. Tristan could be out if he wanted, but he would probably have to remain in the closet if he dated Shawn. Would he be willing to pay that price? Of course, he could be out and date Shawn on the sly, but that would complicate matters. Perhaps Shawn’s relationship with Casey would help them there. As long as he had a girlfriend, no one would doubt Shawn’s heterosexuality too much. Tristan’s eyes met mine, and he smiled. I nodded to him and continued to dance with my boyfriend. I leaned down and pressed my lips to Casper’s, a big no-no, but not because we were both guys, but because P.D.A.s, or Public Displays of Affection, were against the rules. I took the risk and kissed him anyway. Casper excited me more with that brief kiss than all the girls I’d kissed in the booth put together.

Dane

Despite my three-day suspension from school, I wasn’t in trouble at home. Mom and Dad knew I was only defending myself from the boys who attacked me. Dad was even talking to a lawyer about suing the school. My dad wasn’t usually the suing type, but he was determined to protect me. He believed, as I did, that I’d been treated unfairly. I should not have been suspended for trying to defend myself. If those boys hadn’t started up with me, nothing would have happened. I didn’t mind getting suspended. School was no longer an enjoyable experience for me. I had zero friends, lots of enemies, and nothing but abuse awaiting me. Sitting in classes had become the highlight of my day, simply because I was safe there. Well, I did get dirty looks from some of my classmates, and at times someone would mutter, “faggot,” under his breath, but at least no one beat on me. I wasn’t looking forward to returning to school. All the fun had been sucked out of it. One good thing did come out of all the abuse heaped upon me. When I asked Mom and Dad if I could borrow a car to go to Verona and spend time with Tim on his birthday, they said yes. They even agreed I could spend the whole weekend there! I sighed with relief. I’d feared they wouldn’t let me travel to Verona all by myself, especially when they knew my boyfriend was there. I think the fact he was Shawn’s brother set them at ease. When I returned from my Christmas trip and told my parents about Tim, Mom said, “If he’s anything like his brother, he must be a wonderful boy.”

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Of course Mom had to call the Selbys to make sure they didn’t mind me staying with them. Mom and Ardelene were beginning to become friends. They’d met when my parents came to Verona to pick me up after I’d run away. They got to know each other better when Mom drove me to the Selby farm just after Christmas and came back to pick me up a couple of days later. I think knowing Ardelene would be watching over me set my mom’s mind at ease. As I drove away from Marmont, I left my cares behind. It was early Friday afternoon, and everyone else was still in school. Thanks to my suspension, I could get an early start. Verona wasn’t that far away, but I was eager to get on the road and enjoy my freedom. I didn’t get to drive much, and I’d never been allowed to drive so far. I knew my weekend away was a sort of test. If I had a wreck or received a speeding ticket, hell might freeze over before I was allowed to use the car again. Despite the urge to zoom down the highway at supersonic speed, I made sure to keep just under the speed limit. I felt like I was driving like a little-old granny at times, but if I could drive to see my boyfriend now and then, it would be worth it. I’d brought a good supply of cash with me—every cent I had on hand, in fact. Tim’s birthday gift had to be special, and I wanted to take him out to eat, even if it was just for burgers. I also intended to return the car with a full tank of gas. My parents would notice for sure. It was far from a selfless act, however; it was part of the plan to ensure that this wouldn’t be my last trip to visit Tim. I stopped in Plymouth to shop for Tim’s present. I knew exactly what I was going to get him: a teddy bear. Not just any teddy bear would do, though; it had to be special. I didn’t even bother looking at K-Mart or anyplace like that. I’m sure K-Mart had teddy bears, but not the kind I had in mind. I spotted a Hallmark store and went there instead. The bells on the door rang as I entered. There were racks full of cards as I expected, but I could see a sizable gift section near the back. There were two whole shelves filled with teddy bears. Picking just the right one wasn’t going to be easy. Some of the bears were really expensive, and while I wouldn’t have minded spending a lot on Tim, I only had so much cash. I gazed at the bears on the shelves for a good long time, occasionally taking one down to look at it closer. I pulled yet another from its place and my eyes lit up. Behind it I spotted the bear. I hoped he wasn’t out of my price range because he was perfect. He was cute and fuzzy, with dark-tan fur, and best of all he was holding a dark-red, velvet heart. I couldn’t believe it when I looked at the price tag. He was on clearance for only $5!

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“Could you gift wrap it?” I asked, as I stepped up to the counter with my bear. “He’s a birthday present.” Minutes later I walked out of the store with a beautifully wrapped gift for my boyfriend. I’d saved so much money on the bear that I could now afford to take Tim someplace extra nice for his birthday. I smiled. I wasn’t even in Verona yet, and my crappy life in Marmont seemed just a memory. I arrived before school let out, so I drove to Verona High School, parked in the student parking lot, and walked around looking for Shawn’s old Cutlass. I had only ridden in it once, but it was such a memorable experience I was sure I’d recognize it if I spotted it. A bell rang, and kids began hurrying out the back of the school before I managed to find Shawn’s car. I spotted it at last and leaned up against it and waited. It was only about three minutes before Shawn arrived. Unfortunately, Tim was nowhere in sight. “Hey, Dane! Nice, shiner! Tim told me about ‘the incident.’” “Yeah, it got me a three-day vacation from school.” “So that’s how you managed to get here so early. I need to talk to you before Tim comes out, though.” “What about?” I asked, concerned. “Relax. It’s about Tim’s birthday. Ethan and the guys are having a little surprise party for him at noon tomorrow. Can you make sure he gets to Ethan’s house about then?” “Easily,” I said. “Great. Just keep him away from there until it’s time for the party, or it won’t be much of a surprise.” “No problem. You’re coming, right?” “Of course.” “Good. I haven’t been able to see you much. I’m sorry about Christmas.” “I already told you that was cool. I understand, and I’m happy for you.” “You’re really awesome, Shawn. I hope you find someone.” “I think I have.” “Yeah?” “You’ll get to meet him at the party.” “Sweet.” “Here comes Tim.” We watched as he neared the car. When his eyes lit on me, he grinned and quickened his pace. “I figured you wouldn’t get here until this evening. This is awesome!”

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“Hey, why don’t the three of us go get something to eat?” I suggested. “Three’s a crowd. Why don’t the two of you just go by yourselves,” said Shawn. “No. I’ll be here the whole weekend. I’m not leaving until Monday morning, in fact. Tim and I will have lots of time alone.” “And I can just imagine what you’ll be doing while you’re alone,” said Shawn. “Every chance we get,” said Tim before I could. “Ofarim’s?” I suggested. “I’ll meet you guys there,” said Shawn. He opened the door to his Cutlass and climbed inside as Tim and I walked to my car, or rather my mom’s car. I had to fight to keep from hugging Tim and covering his face with kisses, but the last thing I wanted to do was out my boyfriend. Tim checked out my black eye and bruises as we walked. “Are you okay?” “I am now.” “Yeah, but, I mean at home.” “No,” I said, “I’m not, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.” “I just don’t like to think of anyone hurting you.” “Well, if it’s any consolation, one of the guys who beat on me probably won’t be having kids.” “Huh?” “I nailed him in the nuts.” “Good for you. I wish I would have been there to help you,” said Tim as we climbed in the car and closed the doors. “You would have kicked ass!” I said. “Maybe I should have threatened them with my big, buff boyfriend.” “I’m not that buff.” “From what I’ve felt through your shirt you sure are, and I intend to find out for sure as soon as possible.” “You’re getting me excited.” “The feeling is mutual.” We drove the short distance to Ofarim’s. It was weird, but Verona felt more like my hometown than Marmont did. I belonged here. I wished I could go to V.H.S. and spend all my free time with Tim. I had a weekend of it, at least, and that was way better than nothing. Shawn awaited us in a booth when we stepped into Ofarim’s. We took a seat, and Casper appeared in moments.

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“Hey, Dane. How are you?” he asked, checking out my black eye. It was the first thing everyone noticed about me, even the clerk in the Hallmark store, although she didn’t say anything about it. “Fine, now that I’m back in Verona,” I said. Ofarim’s was busy, so Casper didn’t have time to talk. Shawn ordered an Ofarim Burger, which was ¢ pounds and loaded. I didn’t see how anyone could eat that much. Shawn seemed to think he’d have no problem, because he also ordered large fries and a large Coke. Tim ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, large fries, and a large Coke. I ordered exactly the same. I sat right by Tim’s side in the booth, and Shawn sat across from us. Despite all my problems, I felt like I could walk on air. We talked and laughed, and Tim and I made eyes at each other as we waited on our meals. Since Ofarim’s was jumping, we couldn’t talk about certain things, but we would have plenty of time for that later. “I wish you could have been here for the Winter Carnival,” said Tim. “Shawn and I both worked the kissing booth.” “You mean people paid to watch you two kiss?” I asked mischievously. “Pay-per-view incest?” “You’re a funny guy, Dane!” said Shawn. “No! Girls paid to kiss us!” said Tim. “I raised sixty bucks,” said Shawn. “Little bro here only pulled in thirty.” “Screw you, I made forty.” “Which is still twenty less than me.” “Well, Brendan made about two hundred and Ethan made almost as much,” said Tim. “Wow,” I said. “So I guess the kissing booth is some kind of hunk-o-meter, huh?” “You could say that,” said Tim. “Well, I think it was broken. The wrong guy came out on top.” I gave Tim a look that made it obvious I thought he was more desirable than all the others. He grinned shyly. We had a wonderful, if early supper, talking and laughing. I was pleased Shawn seemed to have no ill will toward me. He’d told me over and over that he was cool with Tim and me dating, but his actions spoke louder than his words. I was relieved because I didn’t want to hurt Shawn. He was a good friend and I owed him my life, literally. I was pleased he had found someone special at last. Shawn deserved to be happy.

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“I’ll bring Tim home later, if you don’t mind,” I said when we were preparing to depart. “You don’t have to ask my permission. I’m not his dad,” said Shawn. “I’d be better off if you were,” said Tim. “I’ll see you later, Tim, and I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Dane.” “I’m looking forward to it.” Tim and I walked back to the car. The interior had grown cold while we were in Ofarim’s, but I turned the heater on high as we drove through town, and soon it was nice and toasty. “Where are we going?” asked Tim when I drove past the Selby place. I smiled and arched my eyebrows for an answer. I drove on down the country road until I at last spotted what I was looking for—an abandoned drive where we could park. I pulled in, cut the engine, and took off my seat belt. Tim and I were on each other in seconds. We wrapped our arms around each other and began making out like nobody’s business. We didn’t take off our clothes because we knew the interior of the car would soon grow icy, but that didn’t stop us from necking and groping. Tim’s torso felt so hard and sexy, even through his shirt and sweater. My heart raced with desire for him. Tim ran his hands over my chest and abdomen as if he found me desirable, too. I was aching with need and our locked lips and wrestling tongues only served to fuel the flames of my passion. I ran my hand over Tim’s stomach and still further down, right onto the bulge in his jeans. The material was under quite a strain. My heart hammered as I loosened his belt, popped the button on his jeans, and pulled down the zipper. Tim made no move to stop me. I had my hand inside in moments and grasped Tim with my fingers. Tim shot his hand into my pants and we fondled and stroked as we continued to make out. We were both way too worked up to hold out for long. I thought about leaning back in the seat so I could watch, but I couldn’t make myself take my lips from Tim’s. We kept our lips, tongues, and hands busy as we both panted as though we were running a marathon. Suddenly, Tim moaned into my mouth. Seconds later my hand was covered in sticky wetness. It was more than I could take, and I moaned into Tim’s mouth, too. I swear my eyes rolled back into my head. I’d never felt anything so incredible before. We stuffed ourselves back into our pants because the temperature was plummeting, but we kept making out for quite a long time. Getting off didn’t lessen my desire for Tim one bit. I think we would’ve just kept on kissing for hours, but the air grew so frigid we could see our breath. We reluctantly pulled our lips apart only when we couldn’t stand the cold anymore. I was tempted to run the heater a

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while so we could go at it again, but my lips were getting numb from all that kissing. Tim and I disentangled ourselves, returned to our seats, and put on our seat belts. I fired up the engine and pulled the car out of the abandoned drive. “That was intense,” said Tim. “You know, that’s the furthest I’ve ever gone with a guy? Man, that felt good!” “You haven’t seen nothin’ yet,” I teased. “Don’t me started! I’m already thinking of doing it again, but if I stay in this car much longer something could freeze off.” “We definitely don’t want that to happen,” I said. “I have big plans for that something, as well as the rest of you.” “Dane?” “Yeah?” “I’m glad my first time was with you.” “If I had known I would meet you someday, I would have waited,” I said. “You know I’m not a virgin, and well … I just wish my first time could have been with you, too.” Tim smiled. “Well, it was our first time together.” “Yeah, that’s true, and we still have a lot of firsts to go.” “We’d better change the topic or I’m gonna need one of those firsts right now,” said Tim. We both giggled, but as we drove toward the Selby farm a mood of sadness fell upon me. “I really care about you, Tim. You know that, right?” I asked. “Of course, I do.” “Well, I don’t want you to think my interest in you is just physical.” “Dane, don’t worry about that. I know we haven’t been dating long and haven’t seen each other much, but I know you care about me. How could I not know after all of our phone conversations and letters?” “I just wanted to make sure.” “You can rest easy, then.” “I’m not moving too fast for you, am I?” “No, you’re not. I was about five seconds away from putting my hand down your pants when you groped me, and, believe me, I want to do more. I want it so bad I can hardly stand it!” “I’m glad I’m not moving too fast for you. I don’t want to mess things up between us.”

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“It’s okay, Dane. Don’t worry so much. We’re going to do just fine. I care a lot about you.” “Me, too. I care about you so much.” We were driving up the winding gravel drive of the Selby farm by then. I pulled the car to a stop and grinned at the sight of the farmhouse. We climbed out, and Tim helped me carry in my bags. “Now why am I not surprised to see you here?” said Nathan to Tim as we entered. Tim grinned. He was so cute! “Hey, I just came to help with the bags.” “Yeah, and I take showers with Ethan to save on water.” Tim and I both about lost it at that. “How did you get that?” asked Nathan, looking at my black eye. Unlike Shawn and Tim, he was not yet privy to my outing and the resulting violence. “It’s a long and unpleasant story. I’ll tell you later.” “Come on, then, your room is ready.” Tim and I followed Nathan up the stairs. He led us past Dave’s room and the room Nathan and Ethan shared. He opened the door, and we walked in. I felt like I was home again. “My” bedroom had two large windows that looked out upon the snow-covered fields. It had an old-fashioned double bed and matching dresser, as well as an old desk and chair, a comfortable reading chair and floor lamp, and a big, redand-black oval braided rug on the hardwood floor. The walls were painted a pale yellow, and old-fashioned prints hung in antique frames on the walls. I walked to the one with cows grazing in a misty forest. I hadn’t been to the farm in a month, but I felt like I’d never left. “I’ll leave you two alone,” said Nathan. “I’ll be in my room if you need me. I have homework to finish.” Nathan closed the door as he departed. Tim crossed the short distance between us, hugged me, and then kissed me. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s the best birthday present ever.” “I’ve been dying to see you,” I said, as I pulled off my coat. Tim and I rid ourselves of our coats, caps, scarves, gloves, and sweaters. It felt good not to be bundled up. Our make-out session in the car had been slightly awkward because we were wearing so much clothing, but I’d hardly noticed at the time. Now that we had fewer layers of clothing between us, Tim and I hugged again. His body felt warm and strong as it pressed against mine. We just stood there hugging each other for the longest time. “I’ve waited so long to feel your arms around me,” I said.

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“Me, too … well, I’ve waited a long time to feel your arms around me.” I loved the feel of Tim’s firm body pressed to mine. I loved his scent and the sound of his breath. I was completely, utterly happy at that moment. I took Tim’s hand and drew him to the window. There we looked out at the frozen fields. “It looks just like it did at Christmas,” I said. “I’ll always remember Christmas here,” said Tim, “because that’s when I met you.” “I guess we just missed our one-month anniversary,” I said. “It was yesterday.” “I know, December 28, 1981, that’s the day I laid eyes on you and fell for you on the spot.” “I felt it, too,” I said. “It was like something out of a movie.” “Next year, we’ll celebrate our one-year anniversary. We’ll make sure not to miss it.” “It’s a deal,” I said. Tim put his arm over my shoulder, and we stood there a bit longer. Then, he turned to me and kissed me. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said. “Ditto.” “We’d better go downstairs or they’ll think we’re up to something in here.” “Yeah, that way later on we can sneak up here and get into something.” “Mmm, I can’t wait.” We walked downstairs into the kitchen. Ardelene had appeared and was busily working at the stove. “Hello, Dane,” she said, stopping her work to give me a hug. “And how are you, Tim?” Tim received a hug as well. Ardelene was like everyone’s grandmother. We greeted her and hugged her back. “Call your mother,” said Ardelene. “Yes, Ma’am,” I said and walked over to the phone that sat on the kitchen counter. “I hope you’ll stay for supper, Tim,” said Ardelene. “I’d like that, but Dane and I were starving, so we ate at Ofarim’s after school. I don’t know how much we’ll be able to eat.” “I’m sure you’ll eat plenty. You’re growing boys.” “Can I help with anything?” “No, I’ve got it all in hand.”

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I lost track of their conversation while I called home and assured my parents I had arrived safely. Ethan came in the back door just as I was getting off the phone. “Hey, guys!” “Hey, Ethan.” “What happened to you?” asked Ethan, looking at my black eye. “If you don’t mind, I’d just as soon tell everyone about it at the same time. It’s not a very pleasant story.” Ethan nodded. Only Shawn and Tim knew I’d been outed, but even they didn’t know the whole story, just the condensed version. It wasn’t a tale I wanted to repeat over and over. “Does that mean we should ask Shawn to come over later then?” asked Ethan. “That would be cool.” “Call now and ask if he’d like to come for supper,” suggested Ardelene. Tim made the call. That way, if his dad answered, there would be no trouble. Tim couldn’t let his dad know he was at the Selbys, of course, but Shawn had told me their dad didn’t much care where they were, as long as they weren’t bothering him. “Shawn said he’ll be over in a few,” said Tim after he hung up. Ethan’s Uncle Jack came through the back door and eyed us boys. “Just what I needed,” he said. “Would you boys mind helping me in the barn for a moment?” “Just let us get our coats,” I said. Tim and I rushed upstairs, donned our winter apparel, and returned to the kitchen where Ethan and Jack awaited us. We followed Jack out to the barn where an old Ford tractor, minus a rear wheel, was sitting jacked up. I loved the crisp scent of hay that filled the barn. Chickens clucked nearby, and a couple of horses and a goat peered at us over a short wall, the goat standing on its hind legs and leaning on the wall like an old lady visiting a neighbor. “I just need some help getting the wheel back on,” said Jack. “It’s rather heavy for an old man.” “You guys take one side, I’ll take the other,” said Ethan. “We’ll set it beside the tractor first, then lift it and put it in place. Remember to lift with your knees, not your back.” The wheel was leaned up against an ancient farm wagon a few feet from the tractor. We all got a firm grip and carried it to the tractor. I groaned with the effort of lifting it. I don’t see how Ethan managed to lift his side all by himself, but it seemed less of a strain on him than on Tim and me together.

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Next we lifted the wheel onto the axle, while Jack guided it into place. We held the wheel steady, just in case, while Jack fitted a couple of nuts onto the bolts that attached the wheel to the tractor. “Thank you boys very much,” said Jack. “Is there anything else we can help you with?” asked Tim. “No, no, I can handle the rest by myself. You boys go on in and get out of the cold. I’m just going to finish up with the tractor, then I’ll be right in.” We returned to the farmhouse, the snow crunching beneath our feet as we walked across the barnyard. When we entered the kitchen, Brendan was just pulling off his coat. “Your timing is perfect,” said Ethan. “You just missed out on helping us lift the tractor wheel in place.” “Hey, I’m the master at avoiding work,” said Brendan. His eyes fell on my face. “I’ll tell you later,” I said before he had a chance to ask what had happened. Shawn appeared some twenty minutes later, and Casper came through the back door a few minutes after that. The scent of supper wafted upstairs and Dave followed it down from wherever he’d been keeping himself. Once everyone was gathered, we all sat around the large chrome kitchen table for a feast of fried pork chops, cooked apples, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, freshly baked yeast rolls with butter and strawberry jam, and pumpkin pie. “I would get so fat if I lived here,” I said. “No, you wouldn’t,” said Brendan. “We’d put you to work on the farm, and you wouldn’t gain an ounce.” I looked around the table. No one sitting there was overweight, that was for sure. They must have all worked a great deal to burn up all those calories. Ethan and Brendan were both exceedingly well built, and even Nathan and Casper looked fairly strong, although they were much smaller than their boyfriends. Working on a farm would almost be worth it if I could get into shape like that— almost. I was quite stuffed by the time supper ended. My mom was a rather good cook, but she rarely cooked a meal like that. It was a regular thing at the Selby farm. It seemed a tremendous amount of work for Ardelene, but she seemed to enjoy it. “I think I’ll save dessert for a bit later,” said Jack as he pushed his chair away from the table. “That sounds like a good idea,” I said. “I’m about to pop.”

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All of us boys volunteered to put everything away and clean up. Ardelene protested that she could handle it, but we told her she deserved a rest. She retired to the living room with Jack. Working together, it took us no time at all to whisk everything away and clean up. The presence of a dishwasher made the task much easier. Once we finished, we sat down and played a game of King’s Reverse. It was a simple game where a king reversed the order of play, an eight skipped the next person, and a two caused the next person to draw two cards. The object of the game was to get rid of all your cards. Even Dave played with us and joined in our conversation. I had a blast sitting by my boyfriend playing cards, talking, and laughing. I knew I was safe and surrounded by others who understood and accepted me, despite my faults, and, believe me, those boys had seen me at my worst. We played for an hour or so, and then the pie began to look good. Brendan put on some coffee, and Nathan put a kettle on the stove for tea. A few minutes later we sat around the table eating pie and drinking our hot beverages. Nathan convinced Dave to take his pie into the living room so we could talk. I knew the time had come for me to tell my tale. Tim held my hand while I told the guys how Billy had so coldly and casually outed me, about the name calling and other abuses, and about the fight in the bathroom that got me suspended. I didn’t get upset until I starting talking about how my few friends had abandoned me and now treated me like a leper. “I think lunch might be the very worst,” I said. “I have to sit all alone. No one will sit with me, and I feel like everyone is watching me.” “None of your friends stuck by you, not even one?” asked Casper. “No. Of course, I didn’t have that many to begin with. I don’t have to tell you guys what I used to be like. I was just starting to make friends, and then Billy outed me.” “Dane, I wish there was something we could do to help you,” said Ethan. “If only you went to school here.” “I wish,” I said. “From what you’ve told me, things are way better in Verona than at my school.” “It’s far from ideal here,” said Nathan, “but for the moment things are looking up.” “I don’t want to go back to school,” I said. “Of course, chances are I’ll get suspended again. There are plenty of guys who want to kick my ass, and I’m not going down without a fight.”

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“We can help you there at least,” said Brendan. “Ethan and I can show you some moves. I’ll give you some pointers on fist fighting, and Ethan can teach you some wrestling moves.” “It will help,” said Casper grinning. “I’m a graduate of the Brendan & Ethan School of Self-Defense.” I didn’t get any alone time with Tim before he went home with Shawn, but we did hug and kiss at the door. It was late by then, and I was tired out by my long day and all the excitement. I retired, along with everyone else. As I undressed and climbed into bed, I wished I could live on the Selby farm permanently. It seemed almost like a paradise, even with the farm work. I didn’t want to leave my parents, though, so that wouldn’t work out. It was only a dream anyway, a fantasy to think about, like getting naked with an entire soccer team. I giggled to myself with that thought. I snuggled into the flannel sheets and comforters, feeling all toasty warm despite the January wind howling just on the other side of the windows. Before I drifted off to sleep, I heard sounds coming from Ethan and Nathan’s room next door. I was willing to bet they were getting it on. They were sooo lucky. They got to sleep with each other every night. I bet they went at it like rabbits. Oddly enough, what most appealed to me about their situation was not the sex, but the sleeping together part. If I could just lie by Tim’s side at night, I think I might have been able to face just about anything. I went to sleep with that happy thought. Tim met me at Café Moffatt for breakfast the next morning at nine. We both ordered the sinful French toast and bacon. I almost couldn’t believe I had the whole day to spend with my boyfriend! We took our time in the café and lingered over breakfast. Tim told me more about his older brother, Tom. Shawn had told me some about him, but it was hard to believe he was that bad. I believed Shawn and Tim, of course; I just mean it was hard to imagine someone that horrible. He’d actually set out to kill Brendan! “Hearing your stories makes me appreciate my family that much more,” I said. “Maybe I’m lucky I don’t have a brother. Of course, if I had one like you or Shawn, that would be cool, but I guess what kind of brother you end up with is a crap shoot.” “I’d trade my dad for your parents any day, and I’d throw in Tom for sure.” “No, thanks!” “Maybe your parents could adopt me.”

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“But then we’d be brothers.” I lowered my voice. “That would be kind of kinky.” Tim laughed. “I wouldn’t mind.” Even the barest hint of sex got me excited when I was around Tim. I wanted to ravish him, or have him ravish me, but it wasn’t going to happen any time soon. It was already half past ten and I had to have him back to the farm right at noon. “You ready to get out of here?” I asked a few minutes later when there was nothing left to consume. “Yeah.” We climbed in the car, and I started her up. “So, what do you want to do now?” asked Tim. “Make out,” I said without hesitation. “Want to go back to our parking place?” “Yeah! Let’s drive around a bit first to get the car extra warm. The cold kind of kills the mood, you know?” “I wish it was summer.” “Just think about when we visit each other then,” said Tim with yearning in his voice. “Mmm, if I do, we’ll have to drive straight to our parking place, cold or no cold.” Tim laughed. We drove through town. I pointed at The Park’s Edge as we passed. “I’m taking you there for dinner tonight. It’s part of your birthday present.” “It’s kind of expensive there, Dane. I don’t want you spending too much on me. Maybe we should go back to Ofarim’s instead.” “No way! I want to take my boyfriend somewhere nice. You’ll only turn sixteen once, you know. Besides, it’s rude to turn down a gift, and, like I said, it’s part of your birthday present.” We spent some time driving around, picking out houses we might want to live in together someday. The whole idea of actually living with Tim seemed almost too good to be true, but I realized it really could happen. The realization gave me hope for the future. “Let’s go park,” said Tim after a while. “I can’t wait anymore.” I headed for our special spot in the country. As soon as we were out of town, Tim scooted closer to me and began to rub my leg. “You like tormenting me, don’t you?” I asked. For answer, Tim groped me. I moaned as his hand went to work.

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“You know,” I said as I began to breathe harder, “as much as I like that, you could cause me to have an accident.” “Auto or otherwise?” “Both.” “Okay, I’ll be a good boy until we get there, but once we do I wanna be bad.” Tim moved his hand back to my leg, but my level of excitement didn’t go down. It was so exciting with Tim! The mere touch of his hand on my leg was enough to get me all worked up. We were soon at our parking spot, and Tim was on me even before I turned off the ignition. He unzipped my coat, untucked my shirt, and pulled my shirt and sweater halfway up my abdomen. He ran his hand up under my shirt as he pressed his lips to mine and kissed me. It was a repeat of the night before, but if anything it was more intense. We made out like nobody’s business, and our hands roamed freely. Following Tim’s lead, I worked my hands up under his shirt and felt his naked torso. His skin was soft and silky, but the muscles underneath were hard and twitched with his least movement. I’d never seen Tim shirtless, and I yearned for the experience. I could just picture us swimming together in the summer or working out shirtless. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to do—watch Tim do bench presses without a shirt. Yum. We kissed and kissed while our tongues entwined. There couldn’t be anything sexier than making out. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without Tim’s sweet lips when I went back to Marmont. It was yet another reason I never wanted to return. Tim and I were all over each other, and after a while our jeans were open and our hands were busy at work. I almost couldn’t stand the pleasure of it. “I think it’s time to give you your first present right now,” I said. Before Tim even had time to respond I lowered my face to his lap and engulfed him. “Oh, my gosh!” he said as he squirmed beneath me. “Oh, man! That feels.… mmmm!” Never had I so delighted in giving another person pleasure. This was something special between Tim and me. I knew I was the first to ever do that for him. He writhed and moaned and gasped for breath. “Dane, I’m gonna … I’m gonna …” Tim groaned loudly and lost control. I kept right on going as my boyfriend experienced the ultimate release. Only when he stopped bucking his hips and moaning did I sit up again.

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“It looks like you finished, too,” said Tim, grinning and looking at my moist stomach. “Yeah, it was just that hot!” I said. It was freezing cold in the car again, so we bundled up, and I turned the ignition switch. I looked at the clock. It was nearly noon: perfect timing. “Wow, another first,” said Tim as I pulled out of the abandoned drive. “I know I said this last night, but I’m glad it was with you, Dane. It was … more than just sex. It was special.” “Happy Birthday, Tim.” “Thanks. Now I know what I’m getting you for your birthday, although I think I’ll give you that present early … like before you leave this weekend.” “You are the perfect boyfriend.” We turned into the long winding drive that led to the Selby farmhouse shortly after. “Hey, Shawn’s here,” said Tim. “Maybe he liked supper so well last night he came back for lunch,” I said. “It was sooo good, wasn’t it? At home we usually have cereal or something, unless Shawn or I cook, and then it’s only macaroni and cheese or something simple. We fixed meatloaf, mashed potatoes and stuff once. We thought Dad and Tom would like it and maybe act decent, but Tom teased that we’d both make good wives for someone someday, and Dad scowled his disapproval.” “You deserve so much better, Tim.” “Hey, things are looking up. Tom’s gone, Dad has chilled out for the time being, and I have you! This is the best birthday I can remember!” “Are you sure you’re not just saying that because of the blowjob?” Tim laughed. “Well, that was a nice bonus!” Tim and I walked to the back of the house, to the kitchen entrance everyone used. When we walked in, Jack, Ardelene, Ethan, Nathan, Dave, Brendan, Casper, Shawn, and a beautiful boy I didn’t recognize, but who was obviously Shawn’s special someone, all shouted, “Happy Birthday!” Tim grinned. “You knew about this, didn’t you?” he asked, turning to me. “Yes, but it was all their doing.” Tim hugged me. “I can’t believe this!” he said. “Happy Birthday, Tim,” said his brother, leading him his seat at the head of his table. Tim hugged him. “Thank you, Shawn.”

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Tim’s eyes were getting watery, and he had to wipe the tears away. Everyone smiled at him and wished him Happy Birthday individually. “Whoa,” said Tim when he looked at the table. “Fried chicken, catfish, mashed potatoes, baked beans, and sweet potatoes—all my favorites!” He looked over to Ardelene, and she beamed at him. “I don’t know what to say.” “How about, ‘Pass the butter,’” suggested Ethan. “Yeah! Please.” A seat was reserved for me right beside Tim. Shawn sat on his other side, and beside him was the beautiful boy with long, black, luxuriant hair. He wore glasses and had what I’d call a studious look, and he was way cute. “Oh, Dane, I’m sorry,” said Shawn after he’d heaped mashed potatoes on his plate, “I forgot to introduce you. This is Tristan.” “Hey,” I said, “I’m Dane.” We were too far away to shake hands, so we just nodded. There would be time to get to know each other later. For now, the serious business of eating demanded our attention. Tim’s birthday lunch was even better than supper the night before. I was so ecstatically joyful to see him happy that I knew at that moment I loved him without a doubt. That made me even happier, and I thought I might be in danger of bursting from happiness overload. Tim simply couldn’t believe everyone had gone to so much trouble for him. I don’t think anyone had ever made a fuss over him before. My birthday was celebrated with a party every year, even it if was just Mom, Dad, and me. There was so much I’d taken for granted. I wondered how I’d ever been foolish enough to run away from home. Then again, if I hadn’t, I would never have met Shawn and all the others, and Tim and I wouldn’t even know about each other. Maybe everything happened for a reason. After supper came the cake. It was a huge sheet cake that Ardelene had created herself, and it was more impressive than anything one could buy in a store. Ardelene was an artist in the kitchen. A football player catching a football out of the air was drawn in icing on the top of the cake, as was “Happy 16th Birthday, Tim!” Tim made a wish and blew out the sixteen candles. I found myself wondering what he’d wished for and if it involved me. Tim cut the cake, and Ethan dipped out ice cream until we were all served. Everyone was talking and laughing and completely enjoying themselves. Tim grinned at me, and I fed him a piece of cake. As soon as we were all good and hyped up on sugar, the plates were cleared away and Brendan brought in a stack of presents from the living room.

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“This is far too much,” said Tim. “You didn’t have to get me anything!” “We wanted to,” said Brendan. “Here, this is from Casper and me.” Brendan handed Tim a flat package wrapped in bright pink paper with yellow smiley faces all over it. Inside was a football magazine. “We got you a year’s subscription,” said Casper. “Thanks, guys!” Next came a bottle of cologne from Ethan, Nathan, and Dave, “For hot dates” according to the tag. Jack and Ardelene gave Tim a beautiful blue flannel shirt. From his brother, Tim received a massive box of Hostess cupcakes, which I soon learned were Tim’s favorite. “And I promise not to swipe any when you aren’t looking,” said Shawn, “so it’s kind of two gifts in one.” Last of all came my present. I waited expectantly while Tim unwrapped the package. He pulled out the teddy bear and grinned at me. He leaned over and hugged me while everyone said, “Awww.” We were both slightly embarrassed, but we didn’t care. The remainder of Saturday afternoon and evening was spent talking, playing games, and eating birthday cake. We had a blast! When six p.m. neared, Tim and I departed for our supper at The Park’s Edge. I was totally blissful as Tim and I walked into the restaurant. I was so pleased to be there with my boyfriend, I could hardly contain myself. We were seated at a nice table near the fountain. The table was covered with a white linen cloth and a red candle and an arrangement of red and pink roses rested on top. We were so surrounded by tropical plants it was as if we were dining alone in a jungle. “This is really nice,” said Tim. He opened his menu and his eyes widened. “Dane, it’s so expensive here.” “It’s not that expensive, and this is your birthday. This is one of your presents.” I looked the menu over. “Oh, the Ziti al Forno looks good. I might get that.” “I’m going to have to read the descriptions. I don’t know what most of this stuff is.” “That’s what I did,” I said. I swallowed hard as our waiter approached. It was Armando. I hoped he wouldn’t make any remarks. “What can I get you gentlemen to drink?” he asked. Armando’s eyes met mine with a knowing gaze, but he said nothing. “How about a Coke?” said Tim.

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“And for you, sir?” “Um, a Coke for me, too.” “I’ll be right back.” I watched Armando depart. I was a little distressed by his presence. I’d completely forgotten he worked at The Park’s Edge. I should have remembered; that’s where I’d met him, after all. During the summer, we’d hooked up after I boldly asked for his phone number. Armando was my first, but things hadn’t gone well after that. After several attempts on my part to get together with him again, Armando told me to quit bothering him. I was embarrassed and hurt by the rejection then, and now it made me wish wholeheartedly that I’d saved myself for Tim. When Armando returned with our drinks I ordered the Ziti al Forno, and Tim went for the Rigatoni alla Bolognese. I tried to put Armando out of my mind as soon as he departed. What had passed between us didn’t matter now. The only guy I cared about was Tim. “So how’s your birthday going so far?” I asked. “It’s the best! I can’t believe the guys threw a party for me. I wasn’t expecting that at all! Then, of course, there’s you!” “I wish we could be together always,” I said. “Me, too, but I’m not going to complain. I never thought I’d be this happy. Just knowing that you’re in my life means so much to me, Dane.” “I feel exactly the same about you.” We had a delightful meal, followed by the most excellent chocolate cake I’d ever tasted. The icing was thick and creamy and covered with a cherry sauce that made it out of this world. After supper, we drove back to the Selby farm. Shawn and Tristan had departed, but everyone else was around. Tim and I talked with everyone for a while and then slipped off to my room. Once there, we locked the door and fell into one another’s arms. In no time at all we were naked on the bed, making love as we never had before. I made Tim moan again as I had in the car, and he returned the favor; it was another first for him. “If you’re that good your first time, I can’t wait to see how talented you’ll become after a bit of practice,” I said. “Then you’ll just have to make sure I get plenty of practice.” “No problem!” We saved the most intimate act of lovemaking for another time. It was all new to us, and we saw no reason to rush. Part of me wanted to do it, but I was willing

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to wait, because the rest of our lovemaking so was exquisitely enjoyable. Tim and I must have spent two hours in my bedroom. When we were finished we were totally spent. I drove Tim home and kissed him in the darkness. Driving back to the Selbys alone I considered how lucky I was. Hell on earth awaited me back in Marmont, but I felt like I could survive anything with Tim in my life.

Shawn

“Books in the bookshelves?” I asked. “And they say jocks are dumb,” teased Tristan. “Yeah, try to keep them in order if you can.” I was helping Tristan unpack. I had already met his mom, and it was clear where Tristan got his sweet disposition. “You have a lot of books.” “I love to read. Literature is my favorite class, followed by history.” “I kind of like literature some. It depends on what we’re reading. The Lord of the Flies was cool.” “I bet you just liked the idea of half-naked boys running around on an island.” “Well … that was a plus, but it was such a cool story. I liked The Light in the Forest, too.” “Hmm, there seems to be a pattern here. You seem to like anything involving guys without shirts.” “Well, helping you unpack would be more fun if you took your shirt off for me.” “It’s too cold! Besides, I don’t look that good shirtless.” “I bet you do.” “Well, I never take my shirt off on a first date. I’m not that kind of boy!” Tristan grinned. “I don’t think this counts as a date, and even if it did, it wouldn’t be our first. We had supper in Ofarim’s, and then we spent the day at Ethan’s for Tim’s

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birthday, so this would be like our third date. And, um … while we’re on the subject of dating …” “Yeah?” “Well, I really like you. We’re both attracted to guys. We’re getting along pretty well so far, so … you wanna?” “Date?” “Yeah.” “Well, Shawn, I like you …” “But?” “There isn’t really a but. I just think we should hang out and do things together and see where it goes. We may decide to date, or we might decide just to be good friends. It’s a no-lose scenario, if you think about it.” My chest tightened. Those weren’t the words I wanted to hear. I wanted a boyfriend, and I wanted him now. I sighed. “Now I feel like a jerk for introducing you to Casper as my boyfriend.” “Shawn, you were just kidding around. We’d been talking for what, ten minutes? It was clearly a joke.” “Yeah.” “Hey, Shawn, cheer up, will ya? I didn’t say no. I just said we should see where things go. We can go out to eat, catch some movies, do whatever and see what happens. That’s nearly the same as dating. We just won’t be getting physical. All I’m saying is that I don’t want to rush into things. We need to get to know each other first. You may find that you don’t even like me all that much.” I peered at him, reading between the lines. “Is this the voice of experience speaking?” “Yeah,” said Tristan, his eyes growing a bit misty. “I don’t want to pry, but …” “It’s okay. I met a guy who was a lot like you back in Tulsa, although he was a soccer player instead of a football player. We dove right in and began dating as soon as we met. We weren’t even through our first date when he told me he thought I was ‘The One.’ I felt the same way about him, but soon everything began falling apart. They say opposites attract, but in our case it was opposites annoy. We found out real fast we had nothing in common. He tried to pressure me into joining the soccer team, and he got so pissed off when I wouldn’t that he broke up with me. We only dated for eight days, but I was still a mess when it ended. I couldn’t believe how fast ‘The One’ turned into a jerk.”

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“I would never try to force you to be something you’re not,” I said. “I can see why you’re reluctant. I guess I’m just so happy to have met you that I want to jump right in. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” “If it’s any consolation, I have a good feeling about you, Shawn Myer.” “I’ve waited this long for a boyfriend, so I guess I can wait a while longer. We’ll try it your way.” I paused. “What if I, like … wanna hold your hand or somethin’.” “Then do it. If I’m not feeling it, I’ll pull away.” “And if I want to kiss you?” “The same, just not right away, okay? I’ll tell you right now I’m not the kind of guy who falls into bed easily. I won’t even make out with a guy unless I feel something special for him. If you’re just after sex …” “I’m after way more than that! I want a boyfriend! I want walks in the moonlight, holding hands, watching the stars, all that and more. Yeah, I want sex, too, but if you think my only goal is to get into your pants, then you’ve got me wrong.” “I believe you, but just in case I wanted to warn you. I don’t do casual sex.” “So you’ve never …” “I’ve messed around a little, but what I’ve done would be considering playing around, the kind of thing adolescent hetero boys do to experiment. It’s not as if I’ve never been kissed, but for all practical purposes I’m a virgin, and I intend to stay that way until the right guy comes along.” I wanted to tell Tristan I hoped I was the right guy, but I thought I’d better play it cool. My raging hormones and desperate sexual need made me yearn to jump right into bed with Tristan, but his way was probably better—frustrating and agonizing, but better. I reminded myself that the situation could have been considerably worse. Tristan could’ve been the Blake type—only interested in sex. He could have had no interest in me at all. Or, I could never have met him. Tristan was right; it was a no-lose scenario. We would either become friends, or boyfriends. Of course, there was a chance we’d be a dismal failure and end up like Tristan and his soccer player, but that guy was a jerk. I had a real chance now, and I wanted to make it work. “Wow, did you draw this?” I asked as I pulled a framed drawing entitled Tulsa Skyline out of a box. “Oh, I guess you did, since your name is on it.” “No, I just like to sign other people’s artwork and claim it’s mine. You should see my Mona Lisa.” “No, really.”

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“That was the view from my window in our old place. I drew it just before we left—to remember.” “Did you live in an apartment?” “No, a house on the outskirts of town, but it was on a hill, and that’s what I saw every morning when I woke up.” “You’re really talented.” “Thanks.” “I haven’t tried to draw since my middle-school art classes,” I said, “but I was horrible.” “Maybe you just didn’t give yourself enough of a chance.” “No, trust me. I’m strictly a stick figure kind of guy. If I tried to draw this,” I said indicating the drawing I was still holding, “it would just be a bunch of misshapen rectangles; the kind of thing a six year old would draw.” “I’m sure you have other talents.” “I am good at football, but you probably think sports are meaningless.” “Why would I think that?” “I dunno. You’re artistic, intellectual; I just figure that something like sports seems like a waste of time to you.” “I believe that anything one enjoys is worth the time. Besides, there are obviously some benefits to playing football,” said Tristan as he meaningfully gazed at my chest. “If I was more active I’d be in better shape.” “You look like you’re in good shape to me.” “I’m way too skinny. I wear size 30 in jeans.” “That’s not so skinny. I wear a 32.” “Anyway, I don’t think football is a waste of time.” I pulled another drawing out of the box, temporarily forgetting about placing books on the shelves. “Taylor,” I said as I peered at a drawing of a handsome boy wearing only a pair of Umbros. “Yeah,” said Tristan. “He was fourteen when I drew that. You know, you guys would’ve made a good couple.” “Well, I kind of had a thing for Taylor.” “You were hot for my cousin?” “Yeah, but by the time I found out he was gay, he was taken.” “He was so in love with Mark. Now there was the perfect couple.” Tristan looked almost as if he would cry, so I changed the subject. “Hey, have you seen Raiders of the Lost Ark yet?” “Who hasn’t?”

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“Does that mean you didn’t like it?” “No! I loved it! If you’d been paying attention while putting my books away, you would’ve noticed I have quite a few on archaeology. Of course, Indiana Jones is more of a treasure hunter than an archaeologist, but that film is so cool.” “Maybe you could be like Indy when you get older, seeking out ancient temples and all that stuff,” I suggested. “You could search for treasure and draw ancient tombs and stuff.” “No way. Indy is always getting the crap beat out of him. If you remember, he got shot, too, and dragged behind a truck. Personally, I prefer to avoid pain.” “Pain isn’t one of my favorites, either.” “I’d like to study art in college, but I don’t know if that’s very realistic. It’s really hard to make it as a professional artist. I have been thinking that I might get into computer-generated art, maybe for computer games or even special effects in movies.” “That would be cool.” “Yeah, I think there is going to be a future in either of those areas.” “Yeah, there might be. I’ve played soccer on a Commodore 64. It was way cool, like an arcade game.” “I think that’s only the beginning. Ten years from now, we’ll think those graphics were so primitive.” “So, what grade are you in?” “Sophomore.” “So you’re sixteen?” “No, seventeen. I could have started school a year earlier, but mom held me back.” “I’ll be seventeen in February.” “Cool.” “Whoa, where did the time go,” I said, looking at my watch. “I’d better get going. I still have some homework to finish.” “Thanks for helping me,” said Tristan. “No problem. Hey, would you like a ride to school tomorrow? If I can get Tim’s butt in gear fast enough we can go early, and I’ll show you around. I’m sure V.H.S. is smaller than what you’re used to, but it can still be hard to find things.” “I’d appreciate that. I’m a little nervous about my first day in a new school.” “I’ll introduce you to some of my friends. You’ve already met Ethan and the guys. You’ll love Brandon and Jon. They’re crazy. If you have the same lunch period as me, you can sit with us.”

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“That will be cool.” “Okay, school starts a little after eight, so why don’t I try to get here about 7:30; that will give me plenty of time to give you the not-so-grand tour.” “Sounds good.” “Until tomorrow, then.” “See you tomorrow, Shawn.” I wanted more than anything to give Tristan a big hug, but I kept my hands to myself. It wasn’t easy. I wanted to touch him so bad! I realized I was smiling as I climbed in the Cutlass. I really liked Tristan. I hoped I wouldn’t do something stupid to mess things up between us. So far, so good, but we hadn’t spent that much time together. I wanted to press my lips to his so bad I couldn’t stand it, but Tristan wanted to take things slow, and I didn’t want to come off as a horn dog. I wanted to move things along more quickly, but if Tristan wanted us to be friends first, then that’s the way it would be. I had the feeling he was worth the wait. I was still grinning like an idiot when I pulled the car into the drive and got out. I couldn’t wait to talk to Tim about Tristan some more. I’d nearly talked his ear off already, but it was only fair, since I’d heard plenty about Dane—a bit too much in fact. Tim could’ve left out some of the more intimate details. I was pleased he was so happy, however, because he deserved it. I heard yelling coming from inside the house as I approached the porch. I quickened my pace, fearful my older brother had escaped and returned. It was my dad’s voice thundering off the walls, however. I rushed in to find him shouting at Tim. Dad had a fist full of Tim’s shirt and flung him up against the wall before he even realized I was in the room. Tim’s head hit hard, and Dad grabbed him and cocked back his fist before Tim could even think of escape. “Get your hands off him!” I yelled. I was amazed I had the balls to shout at my dad like that, but Tim was in danger. I wasn’t going to let Dad hurt my little brother if I could help it. Dad released him and turned to me. “Don’t speak to me in that tone, boy!” “What’s going on here?” I asked more calmly, hoping Dad would calm down, too. I looked at Tim quickly, but he shrugged his shoulders. “I saw your little brother kissing another boy!” bellowed our father. Oh fuck, I thought to myself. This is going to get ugly real fast. “Tim, get out of here, now!” I said.

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Tim’s eyes were wild with terror, and he edged away from Dad and toward me, but he showed no sign of bolting for the door. “I will not have a faggot for a son!” My dad was screaming so loud I was sure the neighbors could hear him. I hoped they would call the cops. Dad’s face was red with rage. I stood my ground. I’d feared this day, but it had come, and Tim needed my help. We had to stand together if we had any chance at all for survival. “It’s too bad you feel that way, Dad, because you’ve got two.” “WHAT?” “I’m gay, too. I’m a homo.” Dad rushed at me in a rage. He tackled me, and we both went crashing to the floor. “Shawn!” screamed Tim. My very own father slugged me in the mouth. “I’ll kill you, you little faggot!” I lashed out with my fist and caught Dad in the center of the chest. It knocked the wind out of him. I threw him off and jumped to my feet. He snarled and rushed me again. I sidestepped him and delivered a blow to his gut. He doubled over in pain. “Get out of here, Tim!” “I’m not leaving you.” Dad clocked me in the jaw. I tackled him, and we went down on the floor again, rolling over each other, punching and cursing. Dad had completely lost it. I’d never seen him so furious before. I knew he’d kill me if he could. All the pent-up anger I’d felt toward him poured out. I’d had to live in hiding because of him. He’d made me feel like shit day after day as he went off on “the faggots,” as he liked to call them. Nothing was ever good enough for him. No matter what I did, he would never respect me; he’d never love me. I punched him in the face, stomach, chest, and lats as hard as I could. Dad nailed me in the face, but I didn’t back off for a second. I delivered a swift uppercut to his jaw. I got him on his back and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. I hit him harder and harder, punishing him for everything he’d done to me, and to Tim. “Shawn! Stop! Stop! You’re gonna kill him!” My little brother pulled me backward. I stumbled to my feet, panting, and looked down at my father lying on the floor. He moaned in pain. Tim pulled me away from him as my father painfully pulled himself to his knees, then

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half-crawled to his chair. He dropped into it and gazed at me, his right eye quickly swelling shut. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Shawn. I didn’t think you had the balls to take on your old man.” There was a grudging respect in his voice I’d never heard before, that I never thought I’d hear, but if he thought things were going back to the way they’d always been, he was sorely mistaken. “Go get your things, Tim, we’re getting out of here.” I pushed Tim toward the stairs and followed him. Once in our room, I began to stuff whatever I could lay my hands on in my backpack. When that was filled, I ran downstairs, grabbed some trash bags, and returned. “Where are we going?” asked Tim, shaken and frightened. “We’re going to the Selbys for now, and then I’ll figure out our next step.” Dad didn’t try to stop us as we left. He was still sitting in his chair. I turned back to look at him before I walked out the door. Our eyes met. He peered at me curiously, as if he’d never seen me before. I turned away and closed the door behind me without saying a word. Just a few minutes later we pulled up in front of the Selby farmhouse. My heart was still racing. “Come on,” I said to Tim. We walked around to the back door and knocked. Ethan answered. “Damn, what happened?” asked Ethan when he looked at my battered face. “Come in.” We followed him into the kitchen. I was feeling considerably calmer than I had a few minutes before, but Tim was still skittish and fearful. Dane was sitting at the kitchen table with Casper. He quickly stood when he caught the frightened look on my brother’s face. He crossed the distance between them and hugged him. “What happened?” repeated Ethan. “Dad found out about us.” “He knows you’re gay?” “Yes.” “He saw me kissing Dane,” said Tim. “I don’t know how. I thought we were careful.” “Are you okay?” asked Ethan, looking me over. “Yeah, I’m okay.” “You think your dad will be coming after you?” “No.”

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“Shawn kicked his ass,” said Tim, proudly. Ethan looked at me for verification. “He was getting ready to slug Tim. I told him to keep his hands off, and he tackled me.” “And then Shawn kicked his ass!” Tim repeated. I looked toward my little brother and grinned. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” said Ethan. “I’ll show you where everything is.” “Ethan, can we stay here tonight?” I asked. “Of course you can. You already know that.” “Thanks.” After I cleaned up, all the guys gathered around the kitchen table to hear about what went down. Tim told most of the tale, and I turned a bit red because he made me sound so heroic. I was still reeling over what I’d done—I’d fought my dad, and won. Later, Jack and Ardelene returned from a grocery-shopping trip into town, and Tim and I told them what had happened, only without Tim’s blow-by-blow commentary on the fight. “It would probably be wise for us to take you to the emergency room, to have what happened documented,” said Jack. “I believe your father is already on probation with Social Services.” “I’m not sure I want to do that,” I said, thinking. “It’s ultimately your choice, Shawn, but since your father is this violent, I’m not sure remaining with him is a wise idea.” “Let me think about it,” I said. “As you wish. You and your brother can stay with us as long as necessary,” said Jack. I smiled. “Thank you.” “Did you bring anything?” asked Nathan. “Everything we could lay our hands on,” I said. “We’ll help you bring it all in.” “There’s a spare bedroom you can use,” said Ethan as we walked outside. “I’ll share Dane’s room!” said Tim quickly. “Wow, I’m shocked,” said Brendan and then laughed. “Hey, I just don’t want to crowd my big brother. After all, he saved me from an ass kicking.” “You’re so selfless, Tim,” said Casper, grinning. All our things were taken inside and placed in our rooms in no time at all. It had been getting a little late when I left Tristan’s. I yawned and stretched. My

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homework was going to have to wait. I was far too tired, and my mind was too full. I undressed, pulled back the covers, and lay down in the unfamiliar bed. I felt safer than I had in years. Part of that was no doubt due to the fact I was on the Selby farm, a fortress against prejudice and hate. Most of my newfound sense of security came from the knowledge that I could take care of myself, and Tim. My nightmare had come true. My father knew I was gay, but I’d survived. I’d feared he might try to kill me if he ever found out, and there was indeed murder in his eyes as he flung himself at me. I’d soundly thrashed him, however. I’d held his life in my hands. Dad knew I could take him now. He couldn’t push me around anymore. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen between Dad and Tim and me, but I didn’t fear for my life or my brother’s. I’d seen something in Dad’s eyes as I’d left: a look of grudging respect. It was the very first time my father had ever respected me for anything. How odd that it was on the day he found out I was gay. How strange that I finally earned his respect by kicking his butt. I thought about the future as I lay in bed with my arms behind my head. I thought about Tom, Tim, Dad, and me. I wondered what was going to happen next. I felt confident in the future now as I hadn’t before. I knew that whatever came, I could handle it. I was beginning to put together a plan in my head. Maybe Tim and I could find happiness at last. ✶

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Brendan woke me the next morning. I shook the sleepiness from my head as I gazed at him, wondering what he was doing in my bedroom. Then I remembered I wasn’t in my bedroom at all. I was in Ethan’s home. “If you want to grab a shower you’d better get a move on before everyone gets up,” said Brendan. “Um, yeah, sure, thanks.” Brendan left, and I climbed out of bed. The hardwood floor felt cold on my bare feet, so I dragged one of my trash-bag suitcases over to a rug and searched for clean boxers, socks, and a shirt. The jeans I’d worn the day before would do. When I’d ferreted out my clothing, I padded down the hall in my boxers to the room Tim was sharing with Dane. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. My brother was a deep sleeper and often had to be shaken awake. I turned the handle and opened the door. My eyes fell on Tim and Dane’s naked bodies entwined and writhing on

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the bed. They were moaning loudly enough it was no wonder they hadn’t heard me knock. I’m surprised I hadn’t heard them through the door. I averted my eyes and loudly cleared my throat. “Shawn!” said Tim. I gave them time to cover their nakedness and then turned my eyes to them once again. “Sorry, I thought you were sleeping. I knocked, and no one answered. It’s time to get ready for school.” “Oh, yeah, okay.” “I’m going to hit the shower. You guys had better finish, er, what you were doing and get ready.” “Okay, Shawn, thanks.” “And Tim …” “Yeah?” “Remember that doors do lock,” I said and then departed, closing the door behind me. As I walked down the hall I heard the lock click and smiled. The eyeful I’d received walking in on Dane and my little brother reminded me of my experience with Dane. I had to fight to calm myself. I closed the bathroom door behind me, turned on the shower, and stripped off my boxers while I waited for the water to get warm. Once steam began to fill the room I stepped into the shower, sighing with the pleasure of it. As I lathered up, my mind turned from Tim and Dane to my dad and what had happened the previous night. I still couldn’t believe it. There would be plenty of time to dwell on the events later, though; right now I had to figure out my next step. One thing was for certain: Tim and I were not returning home. We wouldn’t live with dad ever again. I didn’t trust him and still feared what he might do, especially when he’d been drinking. I gave some more thought to the ideas that had formed in my head the previous night. It was premature to speak of them to Tim, but I needed to start planning our future. We couldn’t stay with the Selbys forever. I finished my shower, dried off, and quickly dressed. Just as I was coming out, Ethan and Nathan were approaching. I greeted them and headed on down the hallway. I grinned to myself as they entered the bathroom together. Of course, that didn’t necessarily mean they showered together, but I thought it likely. I guess it could be a time saver in the mornings in a crowded household, but I was willing to bet that if they did shower together, saving time had nothing to do with it.

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I tossed my boxers to the side of my bags and made my bed. I tidied up the room as best I could. I didn’t want Ardelene coming in to find a mess. After all, she and Jack were kind enough to put Tim and me up when we truly needed a place to stay. Next, I headed downstairs, hoping Tim was getting ready and not just getting it on with Dane. If he didn’t appear in a few minutes, I’d bang on his door until he came out. I was surprised when I walked into the kitchen to find Ardelene at work flipping pancakes and frying bacon. There were already stacks of both on platters. “Help yourself,” said Ardelene. “The boys will be here in a bit. We’re rather busy in the mornings.” “I can imagine. Where’s Jack?” “Out in the barn, I expect. He gets a good deal of work done before breakfast. Everyone does.” “Is there anything I can do?” “No, the boys have already handled everything. They’ve got it down to an art.” I grabbed a plate and forked on some pancakes and bacon. “Mmm, this smells so good.” Ardelene smiled. “Thank you again for letting Tim and me stay here until we get things sorted out. I’ve come up with a plan, and hopefully we won’t be in your way for very long.” “You’re not in the way. You can stay as long as you like.” “Still, I don’t like to impose.” Since we were alone, I outlined my plan to Ardelene between bites. “That sounds very sensible, but it will be a lot of work for you, and there are a lot of ‘ifs’ in there.” “Yes, I know, but I want Tim to have a home where he can feel safe. As for the ‘ifs,’ I’m going to start taking care of them today.” Tim and Dane came down the stairs just then, grinning at me. Other boys would have been embarrassed to have someone walk in on them, but not those two. My brother was not shy, and I don’t think the word had ever been applied to Dane. They loaded their plates and took seats at the table. Dave showed up a couple of minutes later, and Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper all appeared at short intervals. “I’m going to miss this place,” said Dane.

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With all that had been going on, I’d forgotten he was departing later in the morning. “You’re welcome back any time,” said Ardelene. I finished my breakfast first. I looked at my watch. It was almost 7:30, and I’d told Tristan I would pick him up then. “Hey, could someone take Tim to school? I promised to pick up Tristan early and show him around before school.” “I’ll do it!” said Dane. “Now, why doesn’t that surprise me?” said Ethan. “Okay, I’m gonna take off then,” I said, putting my plate and glass in the dishwasher. “Thanks, Ardelene. That was delicious!” “You’re welcome. You have a good day, and I’ll see you after school.” I hurried upstairs, slipped into my coat and rushed back down. “Bye.” Everyone bid me goodbye as I ran out the back door. I made it to Tristan’s at 7:35. He came out the door before I could even get out of the car. He was wearing the same brown-suede trench coat as always and a black sweater. It made him look dark, dashing, and mysterious. “Are you ready to brave the halls of V.H.S.?” I asked as he climbed into the passenger seat and fastened his belt. “You make it sound like a dragon is awaiting us.” “No dragon, but when Devon’s in a bitchy mood he’s nearly as bad.” “Just so he doesn’t spew flames at me.” “Before we get there, I should tell you what happened last night.” “Does that include an explanation for your black eye and bruised face?” “Yes.” I gave Tristan the condensed version of the showdown with my father. “I don’t know what to say,” said Tristan when I’d finished. “Are you sure you’re okay?” “Yeah, actually I feel better than I have in years. You have no idea what a relief it is to put this behind me.” “I can imagine, but it’s not truly over yet, is it?” “No, but the worst part is, at least I hope that was the worst part. I’ve always feared what would happen if my dad found out about me. Now, I don’t have to worry anymore.” “You were really brave standing up for your brother like that.”

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“Not so much brave as pissed off. Dad was going to hurt him, and Tim has been hurt enough, physically and emotionally. I went through plenty of that growing up, too, although most of it came from Tom. It had to end.” “I’m very proud of you,” said Tristan. “Thanks!” “Are you going to come out now that your dad knows?” “I hadn’t even thought about that yet, but I guess I should think it over.” We were in the school parking lot by then. We got out and walked toward V.H.S. “This is it. Grand isn’t it?” Tristan laughed. “It’s much smaller than my old high school, but that’s a good thing.” “I think you’ll like it here; at least I hope so. It’s really not bad, for school.” “Well, I tend to like school, so that will help.” Most of the students didn’t show up until shortly before the warning bell, so the halls were sparsely inhabited. Most of those inside were teachers. I pointed out the cafeteria, gym, library, restrooms, and other key locations. I also showed Tristan where he could find my locker. In the cafeteria, I pointed out my usual table. We ended our tour at the guidance office, where Tristan would pick up his schedule and locker assignment. His mom had already registered him by phone and mail from Tulsa. All that remained was a trip to the book-storage room to pick up his texts. We still had a bit of time left when we departed the book room, so I helped Tristan carry his books to his locker, which wasn’t far from mine. There, he dumped all his books except for those he would need for his first two periods. He also took off his coat and stuffed it inside. The warning bell rang, and the halls were soon flooded with kids. I walked Tristan to his first-period classroom and introduced him to the teacher. “I’ll see you at lunch,” I said. “Meet me at my locker, and we’ll walk down together.” “Thanks, Shawn, for everything.” Although the only class we shared was sixth-period Lit, we at least had the same lunch period. I’m sure Tristan was relieved. It couldn’t be easy to be the new boy in school. He seemed unafraid as he began his day, however, so I hoped all would go well for him.

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I realized Tim and I hadn’t had time to discuss some important issues, so I quickly hunted him down before first period and pulled him outside for a moment. “What’s up?” “I just wanted to talk to you about something. Neither of us has come out because of dad, and now he knows about both of us. I don’t know if you’ve given any thought to whether or not you want to be out, but don’t say anything about me, okay?” “So you’ve decided to stay in hiding?” “It’s not that, Tim. Casey and I have been ‘dating’ for quite a while now, so it’s a decision that affects her, too. I’ve got to see what she thinks before I do anything.” “I hadn’t thought of that!” “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t say anything.” “No worries, big bro, I won’t. I wouldn’t have, anyway. Whether you’re out or not is your decision.” “Thanks.” “I think I may come out. That way I can talk about Dane!” “Sorry for walking in on you guys this morning.” “It’s okay, we like to be watched.” Tim laughed when he noted the surprised look on my face. “Gotcha!” “We’re gonna be late,” I said, “see you later.” “Later, bro!” So my little brother was coming out. As I walked quickly to my first-period class I wondered if I’d soon be joining him.

Brendan

Tristan joined the gang at lunch on his first day at V.H.S. I’d met Tristan at Tim’s birthday party, and he seemed to be an easygoing, soft-spoken kind of guy. Shawn was obviously taken with him. I’d caught him gazing dreamily at Tristan more than once during the party. Shawn was more cautious at school, but he sat right beside Tristan and couldn’t keep from looking at him. He definitely had a crush on Tristan. Soon after I sat down, Brandon and Jon joined the table, arguing of course. When they finally took the time to look around they spotted Tristan. “Hey, who are you?” asked Brandon. “I’m Tristan.” “I’m Brandon, and this is Jon.” “They’re the guys I told you about,” said Shawn. “Uh-oh, our reputations precede us,” said Jon. “Believe nothing Shawn tells you about us. We didn’t do any of those things. Except for the stories about us and girls; those are all true.” “Yeah, sure, of course they are,” said Ethan. “Brandon, who do you think Tristan looks like?” asked Shawn. “Um, I dunno,” said Brandon after peering at Tristan. “Is there a reason you’re asking me this, or are you just bored?” “He’s Taylor’s cousin,” said Shawn. Both Brandon and Jon stared at Tristan, their expressions showing they’d noticed the similarities at last. “You’re really Tay’s cousin?” asked Brandon. - 233 -

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“Yeah, and he told me about you. You’re the girl-crazy one, right?” Brandon laughed. “Yeah, that’s me! Wow, you’re really Taylor’s cousin? This is so freaky. So why in God’s name did you come to Verona?” Tristan explained about his dad dying and his mom moving to Verona because she had family here. “We’ve got to take you out to Ofarim’s after school for a welcome-to-Verona party! It’s traditional,” said Brandon. “You guys didn’t take me,” I said. “It’s a new tradition!” “Uh-huh.” “So right after school, let’s all meet at Ofarim’s,” said Brandon. “You need a ride, Tristan?” “Watch out,” said Jon. “You don’t want to get into Brandon’s car. The whole girl-crazy thing is just a cover. He’ll be all over you.” “I wouldn’t do that, Jon; it would make you too jealous,” said Brandon. “He can ride with Casey and me,” said Shawn. “I love your hair,” Casey told Tristan. “Thanks,” he said, a bit shyly. “Yeah, so is long hair a Potter family thing?” asked Jon. “I don’t know,” said Tristan. “My last name’s Cole. Taylor’s mom and mine are sisters.” “Oh, okay,” said Jon. “I just kind of wondered because you don’t see that many guys with long hair, and since Taylor and you are cousins—” “Well, his is … was, a lot longer than mine.” Tristan looked sad for a moment. The loss of Taylor was obviously hard on him. Several other faces at the table were momentarily sad as well. I couldn’t share their grief because I’d never met Taylor or Mark, but I could imagine how hard it must have been to lose friends. I was sorry I missed out on meeting those boys, but perhaps it was best. After school, all of us headed for Ofarim’s. Casper was working that evening. Unfortunately, he’d be stuck waiting on us, but at least he could talk while he wasn’t working. We couldn’t all squeeze into one booth, but I ended up sitting with Shawn, Casey, and Tristan. He wasn’t my type, but Tristan was rather good looking. He’s what I’d call a ‘pretty boy.’ He didn’t look very built, but I couldn’t tell, because he was wearing a sweater. Of course, a guy didn’t have to be ripped to get my attention; Casper wasn’t built either, and he was sexy as hell. The mere thought of his body …

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“You play any sports, Tristan?” I asked to make conversation. “No, I’m not very athletic. I’m more of an art geek.” “Brendan here is quarterback and captain of the football team,” said Shawn. “Was,” I pointed out. “I’m a senior and the season is over.” “Yeah! It’s time for me to take over!” said Shawn. “In your dreams, Myer!” yelled Brandon. Shawn flipped him off and laughed. “Actually, I don’t know if I’m good enough for either, but I’ll have a much better chance with Brendan out of the picture.” “And once you graduate, maybe I’ll have a shot,” said Tim from the next table. “If you two were real men, you’d play soccer,” said Brandon. “Soccer is only for the guys who can’t cut it in football,” I said. “Or wrestling,” added Ethan. “Screw you guys. Soccer rules here, and you know it.” “Actually, soccer is the big sport in Verona,” I said quietly, “but we don’t like to mention it too much or Brandon will get a big head.” “I heard that! I’ve already got a big head. Here I’ll show you!” said Brandon standing up and making as if he was going to pull down his pants. “No one wants to see that,” said Jon. “You sure did last night. You were all over it,” said Brandon. “In your wet dreams,” said Jon. “Ohhh! Dinner theatre,” said Tristan. “Yeah, unfortunately they perform at every meal,” I said. “You’ll get used to them eventually,” said Shawn. “Mainly, we just pretend they aren’t here.” Tristan laughed. “I think I’m going to like it here.” ✶

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Dave came running into the barn where I was helping Ethan unload bags of feed from the back of the pickup. “Brendan! Phone! It’s your mom.” “Thanks, Dave,” I said and jogged off toward the house, trying not to slip on the snow and break my neck. “Hey, Mom,” I said when I picked up the receiver in the kitchen. “Brendan, it’s good to hear your voice.” “Is everything okay, Mom?” I asked.

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Ardelene glanced up from rolling out pie dough to give me a concerned glance, then went back to her work. “I’m leaving your father.” I was shocked into silence for a few moments. Even though it wasn’t a complete surprise, hearing that my parents were getting a divorce still stunned me. I felt as if the last part of my old life was falling away. “Are you okay?” “Yes, yes, I am,” said Mom firmly. “The last days have been rough. Patrick has been very ugly, but I took out a restraining order, and I’m letting my lawyers handle everything. I’m having nothing more to do with him.” “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” I asked, clenching my fist. If he had, I was driving straight to Kentucky to kick his ass. “No, nothing like that; he just said some ugly things, and he was blowing a lot of hot air over leaving me with nothing if I divorced him. The house and most of the money is in my name, and my lawyers assure me he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I’m sure he’ll cause as much trouble as he can, but I’m not worrying about it. Oh, I’ve put the house up for sale.” “You’re selling the house?” It was hard to believe that my parents wouldn’t be living anymore in the house where I’d grown up. “Yes. I have a moving company here right now helping me to pack things. I’m having your father’s things sent to his office. I’m picking out what I want to keep, and everything else is going to an auction house and Goodwill. Oh, before I forget, I’m having everything of yours packed up. I’ll bring it with me when I come to Verona.” “You’re coming here?” “Yes. I need a new start and a new life. There are too many memories in Pigeon Crossing, both good and bad. I’m not staying here a moment longer than I must. I want to be near you, Brendan, and I want to be a part of your life. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I hope you’ll let me try to make up for them. Of course, if you don’t want me there …” “Are you kidding? Of course I want you here, Mom.” “Thank you, Brendan. I miss you so much.” “I miss you, too, Mom. So when do you think you’ll be coming?” “Hopefully, by the end of the week. I have an army of movers at work. It’s wonderful. I just point at a set of dishes or shelves full of books and say, ‘Verona,’ ‘auction,’ or ‘Goodwill,’ and they do all the work. You would be amazed at how quickly we’re emptying this place out. Oh, another thing before I forget, you do

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want all your weight equipment, don’t you? I can send it off to the auction if you don’t, but I assumed you would want it.” “Yeah, I’d love to have it! If it’s too much trouble, though …” “Of course it’s not too much trouble. It’s going to take a separate truck to haul it all. Would you like me to have it delivered to the farm?” “That would be awesome!” “Okay, give me the address. I’ll have some of the movers start loading it in a truck right after I get off here, and they can drive it up tomorrow.” “Sweet.” I gave Mom the address. “So, are you going to look for a place here in Verona or get an apartment or what?” I asked. “I think I’m going to look for a small house. I thought about an apartment, but I have too many family heirlooms I just can’t stand to part with. I want a much smaller place than I have now. I’ve spent enough of my life cleaning and serving your father. It’s time I lived my life for myself and had some fun.” I grinned. “I’m glad to hear you talking like that, Mom. You should live your life for yourself. You’ve spent it all taking care of Dad, and me. I didn’t appreciate all you did for me until I left, and I’m sorry.” “I seem to remember a boy who bought me flowers on more than one occasion for no reason at all. You appreciated me.” “Yeah, but not like I should have, Mom.” “You were always a good son. Listen, I need to get off here, I have half a dozen people standing here waiting for me to tell them what to do next. I’ll send your weight equipment up tomorrow, and I’ll call you when I get into Verona, and we can have dinner together. Does that sound good?” “It sounds great, Mom.” “I love you, Brendan.” “I love you, too, Mom.” We hung up. I looked over at Ardelene who put down her rolling pin and dusted the flour off her hands. “My parents are getting divorced,” I said. “I’m sorry, Brendan.” “No, don’t be, it’s okay. It’s kind of … weird, but my mom is going to be a lot happier without Dad, and guess what? She’s moving to Verona!” “I gathered as much from my eavesdropping,” said Ardelene, smiling.

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“She’s coming because she wants to be close to me,” I said, nearing tears. “When Casper and I visited, she started coming around. Maybe now we can put things back like they were.” “You won’t be able to do that, Brendan.” “Why not?” I asked with a frown. “You were a boy when you left home. You’re a man now. Things won’t ever be the same again. That is not to say, however, that they can’t be wonderful.” “Yeah, I think I get what you mean. I’m so excited!” “I’m very happy for you, Brendan. You’ll have to invite your mother to supper.” “Thanks, I’m sure she would like that, although it might be a little overwhelming for her at first. I think I’ll give her a little time to settle in, let her meet Ethan and Nathan, and then ask her to come for supper.” “Whatever you think is best, but I’m eager to meet her.” “I’m sure she’ll like you. Oh, Mom is sending up my weight equipment. I guess I should have asked first, but is it okay? There’s quite a lot of it, but I think we can fit it into the room with Ethan’s weight machine. There’s a lot of empty space in there.” “I’m sure it will be no problem.” “Thanks! The guys are going to be so excited!” Later, I told everyone my news as we sat around the table at supper, gorging ourselves on meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, freshly baked rolls, and the cherry pie Ardelene had been working on when Mom called. I began with the news of my mom moving to Verona and quickly moved on to what I knew the guys would especially find of interest. “Mom is sending me all my stuff. My weight equipment should get here sometime tomorrow.” “Cool,” said Ethan, pleased, but not sufficiently excited. “You don’t understand,” said Casper. “You’ve never seen Brendan’s equipment. He has everything!” “Really?” asked Ethan. “Yeah, his equipment is better that what’s in the workout room at school, and he’s got more stuff,” said Casper. “Are you serious?” asked Ethan. “Oh, yeah,” said Casper, “I’m serious.” “Dad used to buy me weight machines for birthdays, Christmas, and whatever. He was big into me succeeding in football. I think he was living vicariously

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through me sometimes. He bought the best. I’ve got thousands of dollars worth of equipment, which I never thought I’d see again.” “This is going to be awesome!” said Ethan. “After supper and chores, lets all go up to the weight room and clean it up so it will be ready.” “My, if this equipment is going to inspire cleaning, I like it already,” said Ardelene laughing. “We’ll all be able to work out at the same time if we want now,” I said. “With your machine we’ll have our own gym.” ✶

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The moving van pulled up to the farmhouse the next day after school while Casper and I were repairing a fence the cattle had managed to push down. As we neared the barn after completing our task, I could see four guys lugging weight equipment into the farmhouse. Casper and I quickened our pace and stepped inside. “They’ve already unloaded a lot of it,” said Nathan. “I can’t believe how much stuff there is! I don’t know if it will all fit.” As soon as the stairs were clear, Casper and I ran upstairs to the weight room. A few of the machines were already in place. Two of the movers were busy reassembling one of the machines. Some of them had been partly disassembled for the trip. “I can’t wait until this is all set up,” I said. ✶

✶

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As happy as I was to have my weight equipment back, I was more excited about my mom coming to live in Verona. I impatiently waited as the days slowly passed, and then on Thursday, I got another call from Mom. She was in Verona! We arranged to meet at The Park’s Edge at 7 p.m., and I arrived a bit early. I was eager to see Mom. She’d said she was okay when she’d called with the news that she was divorcing Dad, but I needed to see her to know it was true. I waited for Mom inside, and she arrived less than five minutes later. We hugged and kissed each other, and then the hostess escorted us to a quiet little table looking out over the snowy park. “When did you get in?” I asked her. “About three hours ago. I’ve checked into Whitman’s Bed & Breakfast. It’s charming. I’m going to live there until I can find a place.”

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Mom sure seemed happy. “What about all your stuff?” “It came with me. It’s all been put into storage. It would have been more efficient to have waited until I found a place here to move out of the Pigeon Crossing house, but I didn’t want to have to return. Besides, this way the house is all ready for the real-estate agent to show it.” “Everything is already packed into boxes, too,” I said. “That will save you some time.” “True. I’m afraid I didn’t think to have them separate out your boxes, so it will be a while before you can get to them.” “That’s no problem. I can wait.” “I do have something of yours you can have right now,” said Mom, searching her purse and pulling out a set of keys. “The convertible?” “Yes, it is yours, after all. Your father and I gave it to you. It’s currently in my name, of course, but I’ll sign it over any time you like.” “Wow, now I almost wish I hadn’t bought a car last fall.” “Oh, that’s a shame.” “I’ve already got a lot of use out of it. It’s used, but had low mileage, and it purrs like a kitten. I’ll sure be glad to have the convertible back, though, thanks!” I couldn’t wait to see my convertible again. It was a red Chevy Corvette with a black interior. It was the same model year as the Cutlass, but in even better condition. I’d treated that car like my baby. “It’s parked over at the B&B, perhaps you can get someone to come over with you soon to pick it up.” “I will, very soon.” Mom laughed, and it was a sound I was relieved to hear. The waiter brought our ice water and menus. We looked over the selection as we talked. “So, how are you, Mom?” “I’ve told you before, I’m fine, really. This divorce is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m so excited to be starting a new life. I plan to start looking at houses tomorrow.” “I’m a little worried about you, Mom; I know it’s got to be rough.” “It’s not that rough, Brendan. It’s sad when a marriage ends, but ours ended years ago, even though we didn’t acknowledge it. We stayed together out of habit. If I would’ve have had any sense at all, I would have booted Patrick out when you were in middle school. I’m sure both you and I would have been a lot better off if I had.”

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“I think you might be right.” “Oh, Brendan, how can I ever make it up to you? I’m so very sorry we put you in that horrible, horrible institution. Your father convinced me it was for the best, but had I known what was going on in there …” “I do wish you would have come to check on me, Mom, but … Well, I believe that you believed it was for the best then. I just wish you would have listened to me and not Dad.” “I’ve made so many mistakes, Brendan. Can you ever forgive me?” “Of course I can, Mom. Listen, talking about what happened to me in the Cloverdale Center isn’t easy for me, so I’d rather not. There are some things that happened after that I would just as soon not talk about, either. I’ve got my life straightened out now, and you’re here, so I just want us to make a fresh start, okay? Let’s not dwell on the past. We both have regrets, and we both made mistakes, but this is now, not then.” “You are quite a wise man. When did that happen?” “I’m not that wise,” I said, grinning. “Wise enough. I have a lot of regrets, and I’m going to try to make things up to you, but I agree, we should start out fresh.” “Beginning now,” I said. “Beginning now,” said Mom.

Dane

Billy’s fist connected with my face, and I slid down the restroom wall. I gazed up at him, my eyes blurry with tears. The boy I’d loved had become my nemesis. He stared down at me with a smirk on his face and pure malice in his eyes. How could I have ever loved someone so vile? How could I have failed to see the ugliness held within his beautiful body? I felt like a fool. “Rue dumped me because of you, faggot!” I started to speak, but Billy’s foot lashed out and caught me in the stomach. I groaned in pain as I tumbled onto my side. “You cost me my girlfriend and you’re gonna pay!” Billy picked me up off the floor and delivered a hard blow to my stomach. I doubled over and fell to the floor again. I was in agony. I steeled myself for the next blow, but it didn’t come. I heard the restroom door shut. Billy was gone. I just lay there for a while, curled into a ball, wishing my guts would stop aching. Finally, I managed to pull myself to a sitting position again. I sat there and cried. It was my first day back after visiting Tim in Verona, and the pleasure of my weekend with him only intensified the contrast with my life in Marmont. I hated it here. I hated Billy even more. He was the one who outed me, and he was my main tormentor. He didn’t have to return my feelings, but the least he could have done was keep his mouth shut. We had been friends once. He owed me that much, but instead he’d turned on me. Rue dumped him and it was his own fault—not mine. She’d seen his malicious side. It’s no wonder she left him. I’d seen his cruel

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side, too. Billy had made my life a living hell. If it was the last thing I did, I was gonna make him pay. I stiffened as the door opened again, fearful Billy had come back for more. He’d said he was going to make me pay. Perhaps he’d even brought a buddy along. I blinked away my tears and looked up. Simon had halted, the half-open door still in his hand. He stared down at me, looked over his shoulder, then stepped into the restroom and allowed the door to close behind him. He bent down and offered me his hand. I took it, and he helped me get up. My stomach hurt so bad I couldn’t stand completely upright. I grasped the edges of a sink, supporting myself while I looked in the mirror. What a mess. I caught sight of Simon behind me, gazing at me fearfully, continually looking back toward the door. “I’m sorry, Dane,” he said, “I wish I could do something to help you, but … I’m so scared.” Simon actually started crying. It took me by surprise. When he’d turned his back on me, I’d felt betrayed, and all the more so because I’d helped him out when others wouldn’t. As I gazed at his reflection in the mirror, I saw the torment in his eyes, and the terror. Simon lived in fear. I didn’t know whether or not he was queer, but it was a label that had been applied to him before. Queer or not, he could very easily end up like me. “I miss you,” I said. “I miss you, too.” “I also … understand.” I gathered my strength, released the sink, and turned to look Simon in the eyes. He looked back at me, wiping away his tears. “If you wanna … come over sometime and hang out or whatever, when no one will know you’re there, I’d like that,” I said. “I know you can’t be my friend at school, but when no one else is around … well …” “I should be your friend here, but I’m too big of a coward.” “No, no, you’re not,” I said. “I don’t want you to go through what I have. I wouldn’t wish that on you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone—well, almost anyone.” “Thanks, Dane. I’m so sorry. Do you need me to help you get to the nurse or class or wherever?” “No, I’ll be okay. I’m getting used to being beaten up. It’s my new hobby.” Simon looked around, although we were clearly alone. He quickly leaned over and hugged me. That simple act of kindness almost made me cry again. “Thanks,” I said.

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I hobbled to the door and left Simon alone in the restroom. I hated Billy and all those like him even more after witnessing Simon’s fear. Simon would have stayed by my side; he would’ve continued to be my friend after I was outed, if it wasn’t for beasts like Billy. Billy had to pay, and he had to pay big, not only for what he’d done to me, but for what his kind did to all those who were different. A plan had begun to form in my head as I’d talked with Simon, and as I walked toward class it became more and more clear. I was trapped in a living hell. I had nothing to lose, and Billy was soon going to find out just how dangerous I could be. I thought out the details of my plan during class. I didn’t care if daydreaming got me into hot water or not. Mr. Florence chewed my ass out for walking in late, totally ignoring the fact I’d just got my ass kicked. He couldn’t have failed to notice the way I painfully hobbled into class, holding my stomach. None of the guys did. I wanted to wipe the smirks right off their ugly faces. I ignored the senile old jerk as he talked about cellular mitosis and worked out what I was going to do to Billy. I wasted no time in putting my plan into action. All I needed was for Billy to shove me around once more, and then I’d retaliate. My chance came right after lunch. “Out of my way, faggot,” said Billy, roughly shoving me into a wall. “You really think that’s gonna fool everyone forever, Billy?” I asked. “What are you talking about, queer?” said Billy, halting. His buddies stopped, too, and they all stared at me. “How long will it be before your friends ask you why you push me around so much?” “You’re not only a fruit, you’re messed up in the head.” “You know why you treat me like you do? You’re afraid, Billy.” “Yeah, right! No one’s afraid of you, faggot!” Billy’s buddies laughed. He grinned. “You’re afraid, Billy. You’re scared to death they’ll find out about you.” “Just shut up, faggot.” “Yeah, you would like me to shut up, wouldn’t you? You don’t want me telling anyone the truth.” “The only truth is that you’re a homo.” That got another laugh from Billy’s audience. He loved to perform. “You never told your friends the real reason you know I’m queer, did you, Billy?” “What are you talking about, cocksucker?”

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“Yeah, play dumb, but you know exactly what I mean.” I turned my gaze upon Billy’s buddies. “Billy knows I’m gay, because he had sex with me.” Billy’s jaw dropped open in shock. He snarled and decked me. I fell to the carpet. “You fucking liar!” “You see how desperate he is to hide the truth,” I said, looking up at Billy’s friends. “He’ll do anything, even beat me to a pulp, to prove he’s not what he is. He picks on me, calls me names, and punches me so you’ll never catch on that he’s a queer, too.” Billy’s eyes bulged out of his head in fury, but he didn’t attack me again. Some part of him feared to do so. I painfully stood. “Billy goes around calling me a fag all the time to hide what he is. That’s why he treats me like shit—not because he hates fags, but because he is one.” Billy was outraged. He took a step toward me. “Go ahead, Billy, hit me again, but it won’t help you. They know what you are now. Did you really think I’d keep my mouth shut after the way you’ve treated me?” Billy quickly looked to his buddies, a move that did as much to incriminate him as my accusations. I could tell by the expressions on his friends’ faces that they weren’t quite sure what to believe. Some of them eyed Billy suspiciously. A couple curled their upper lips and walked away. Billy’s eyes met mine, and I glared back at him. He realized at last there was a price to pay for fucking with me. I didn’t see Billy again until the end of the day. When our eyes met he stared at me with hatred. I noted that he was sporting a black eye. I grinned. Paybacks are hell. All was not well in my little world, however. Just about everyone still hated me. That wasn’t going to change. On my way home, three boys surrounded me and played “push the faggot” as they called it. They stood around me and shoved me back and forth as if I was some kind of toy, calling me nasty names all the while. Finally, they tired of their game and shoved me to the ground. They didn’t physically harm me, but the humiliation was bad enough. Why couldn’t everyone just leave me alone? The next day at school was even worse than my first day back. I was shoved, kicked, pushed, spit on, and called more foul names than I can even remember. A good many of my classmates treated me like shit. Those who were sympathetic, like Simon, were too scared to stand up for me. Who wouldn’t have been scared? If my situation was reversed with Simon’s, I like to think I would have helped

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him, but perhaps I would have been too afraid. I don’t think anyone can predict how they’ll behave in such a situation until they’re in it. We all like to think we would dash into a burning building to save a kid, but how many of us would have the nerve if it came right down to it? Billy had stitches in his upper lip. I didn’t know the story behind them, but I was willing to bet some of the guys had cornered him after school and worked him over. He was going to find out what it felt like to be the fag now. I felt ever so slightly guilty for lying and saying we’d had sex together, but he deserved it. I told him how I felt about him, and instead of being understanding, he ruined my life. As far as I was concerned, he deserved whatever he got. Unfortunately, pulling Billy down with me didn’t improve my situation one bit. I was still the school punching bag. Some of the teachers did intervene when they spotted someone giving me a hard time, but others turned their backs and pretended not to notice. As far as they were concerned, it was okay to treat me like a piece of garbage because I was gay. How fucked up is that? I hate to admit this, but I tossed myself on my bed and cried every afternoon when I came home from school. I did my best to put on a brave face in the hallways and classrooms at school. It wouldn’t do to show weakness. If the jerks knew they were getting to me, they would just come at me all the harder. When I felt like crying, I cussed and fought back instead. Of course, that got me punched in the face a few times, but if I would’ve acted frightened, I would have received much worse. Putting on my bad-boy act was a strain. By the time I reached home every afternoon I couldn’t keep it up a second longer. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to my room before I started bawling. I tried to hide my crying from my parents, but sometimes they found out, especially when I lost it as I walked in the door. Dad visited the principal’s office repeatedly, demanding that something be done, but nothing ever changed. If my parents hadn’t cared about me, I would’ve run. I was extra glad I’d come out to them. If I hadn’t done so before my life went in the crapper, I don’t think I would have had the courage. I would have expected more rejection. Knowing they loved me meant everything. I’m going to make a long story short, because if you’ve heard about one of my days as the school fag and punching bag, you’ve pretty much heard about them all, and believe me there is no pleasure in telling about them. Instead, I’ll skip to my very last day ever at Marmont High School. Yeah, that’s what I said, my last day.

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I didn’t know it was my last day when it started. It was like any other crappy day that I was shoved around, called names, and generally treated like filth. It was destined to be worse than any other, however; that much was certain when Billy grabbed me from behind, swung me around, and clocked me hard in the face. It was right after lunch in a remote stretch of hallway that I would’ve avoided if I’d had more sense. There were plenty of kids around to watch me get my ass kicked, but unfortunately no teachers. Billy punched me in the gut and then kneed me in the nuts. I went down and he pounced on me. He shoved me back against the floor, straddled my crotch, and proceeded to beat the living shit outta me. “You fucking faggot! You liar! You’d better take back what you said, right fucking now!” I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone so pissed off before, although I was paying far more attention to the pain at the time. Billy jabbed me hard in the side, and I screamed. “I’m not a faggot, and you know it! You lied about me! I never did shit with you! Fuck you, faggot!” Billy punched me square in the face, and my nose began to bleed. I could swear it was broken. I tried to curl up into a ball to protect myself, but I couldn’t. Billy was a lot stronger than I was. I guess I should’ve known that Billy would come after me. Maybe I hadn’t sketched my plan out quite as thoroughly as I’d thought. Paybacks are hell, and unfortunately it was my turn. “You tell everyone you lied, right fucking now! You tell them or I’ll kill you, faggot!” Billy grasped my throat and cocked his arm back for a punch. I was in agony and the thought of being hit in the face again filled me with terror and dread. “Okay,” I croaked. “Okay. I made it up. I know you’re not queer. I just wanted to pay you back for what you did to me.” “See!” said Billy, looking around at the crowd. “See! He fucking lied! He lied about me!” Billy looked down at me with pure hatred in his eyes. “You fucking faggot!” He raised his fist to hit me again. “That’s enough!” It was Mr. Florence, my despised biology teacher. Apparently the beating I was receiving went too far even for him. Billy climbed off me, and I writhed on the floor.

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“Everyone get to class,” said Mr. Florence in a no-nonsense tone. The crowd quickly dispersed. Mr. Florence grabbed Billy. “You are coming with me. Violence isn’t tolerated in this school, young man.” As Mr. Florence escorted Billy away, I struggled to get off the floor. A hand reached down and grasped mine. Simon. I halted when I saw it was him. “Come on, I’ll help you to the nurse’s office.” Simon helped me up and we walked down the hallway. Well, Simon walked, I tottered and swayed as if I was drunk. My legs folded under me, and I would’ve gone down, but Simon caught me. He put one of my arms around his shoulders and struggled to help me down the hallway. It was too big of a job for little Simon. “Need some help?” Both of us looked up. It was Rue. “Yeah,” I said, near tears again. It had been far too trying a day. “We’re trying to get to the nurse’s office,” said Simon. Simon and Rue each lifted one of my arms over their shoulders and helped me down the hallway. Billy really had done a job on me. I couldn’t have walked all by myself. Finally, we reached our destination. I thanked Rue for helping me. I felt guilty for once wanting to hate her. She was one of the few who had been kind to me when the truth came out. We needed more people like her in the world. “Hey, Simon?” I said before he departed. “Yeah?” “You went and got Mr. Florence, didn’t you?” “Yeah.” “Thanks.” Simon grinned and nodded, then left me alone with the school nurse. Mom arrived about half an hour later to take me to the hospital. I had a broken nose, and my upper lip needed stitches. It was not an enjoyable afternoon. They wanted to keep me overnight for observation, but I convinced Mom and the doctor I was fine—well, not fine, but not in danger or lapsing into a coma or something. The one bright spot of the afternoon came as Mom and I drove away from the hospital. “I’m not sending you back inside that school again,” said Mom. “What are … what are we going to do?” “I’m not sure yet. We’ll try home-schooling, or we’ll move to another district, but I absolutely refuse to allow you to go back there.”

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Mom looked at me, but if she thought I was going to object, she was quite mistaken. Simon had turned out to be okay, and Rue was cool, but otherwise M.H.S. was filled with jerks. Hearing that I’d never have to go back there made that moment just about the happiest of my life. I felt giddy, but that may have been the painkillers. When Dad came home he quickly agreed with Mom that I wasn’t going back to that school. The other decisions did not come so easily, not that I was a part of the discussion. I was exiled to my bed for rest. The painkillers made me woozy, and I wasn’t very steady on my feet. Mom provided me with a little bell to ring if I needed anything. The thought of food made me nauseated, and I was extremely tired, so I spent most of the evening sleeping. I awoke around nine p.m., but after a trip to the bathroom I went right back to bed and to sleep. I didn’t wake up again until 10:30 the next morning. I learned when I awakened that Dad was with his lawyer, and by noon I found out we were suing the school because they did nothing to protect me, after repeated reports of injuries and requests for assistance. I hoped we won the case, not for the financial gain, but because no one should have to go through what I did. If the school system had to pay up, then maybe they would protect the next boy who was getting bashed on a daily basis.

Shawn

“Shawn, are you okay?” asked Casey as soon as she got a look at my battered face just after first period on Monday morning. “I’m better than I have been in years,” I said, smiling. “You seem in an awfully good mood for someone with a black eye.” “Yeah, well, my worst nightmare didn’t come true, not as I feared it might.” “Huh?” I looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear. We were standing in a hallway at V.H.S., a virtual Petri dish for rumors. “I’ll give you the full story later, but Dad knows I’m gay.” Casey’s eyed widened. “Oh, Shawn! Are you sure everything is okay?” “Positive. Don’t worry about me. Tim and I are staying with the Selbys temporarily.” Casey didn’t looked look convinced. “Really, Casey, I’m fine. There are some things we need to talk about, but don’t worry about me; be happy for me.” Casey finally relaxed. I hugged her and kissed her. “I love you, you know that?” I said. “I know, and I love you, too.” “Come on, I’ll walk you to class.” Every time Casey crossed my path during the day she looked at me quizzically, as if not quite sure that my life was going as smoothly as I claimed. During lunch she sat next to me as she often did, and I think seeing me in such good humor put her further at ease. I arranged to meet her at Ofarim’s at 7:30 for supper and a talk, as I had something to do right after school. - 250 -

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Plenty of guys asked what happened when they got a look at my black eye. I told them a partial truth: that Dad and I had gotten into it and that Tim and I had temporarily moved to the Selby farm. I didn’t tell them what the fight was about, because I was not yet sure I’d be coming out, but I told no lies. After school, I drove Tim to the farm, then headed back into town. I didn’t tell Tim what I was about to do, because I was sure he would’ve wanted to accompany me, and I wanted to face Dad alone. Apprehension gnawed at my gut as I parked my Cutlass in the familiar driveway. I gazed at the pitiful house as I climbed out of the car, remembering for a moment what it had once looked like when Mom, Dad, Tom, Tim, and I were a family. That was a long time ago, however, and I wasn’t sorry I no longer thought of that house as home. I walked in the front door and there sat my father, beer in hand, staring at the TV. He had a black eye to match my own and a bruised face. He turned his eyes toward me. “We need to talk,” I said. He looked me over, as if sizing me up. I knew we might well tangle again, but if we did, I was ready. I wasn’t afraid of my father anymore. “Tim and I aren’t living here anymore. We’re moving out.” “You’ve decided that, have you? You think you’re the man of the house now, do you, boy?” “No, this is your house, not mine. You’re the man of the house, but I am a man, and I’m going to do what’s best for Tim and for me. That’s what I’ve come to talk to you about.” Father looked at me and nodded. “So talk.” “Throughout most of my life you’ve made it quite clear what you think of ‘fags,’ and because of that I’ve had to live my life in hiding. I don’t know how you found out about Tim, and I don’t care, but you have two gay sons, and I don’t think you can deal with that. Maybe you could for a while, but then you’d go on a binge, and who knows what might happen? “If Social Services found out what just happened here, that would be it; they would take Tim and me away from you.” “Are you threatening me, Shawn?” “No, I’m not. I don’t want to end up in a foster home, and I sure as hell don’t want Tim to go through that. As far as I’m concerned, what happened is over and done with. I want to get a place of my own, a little apartment somewhere, so that Tim will have a place to live where he doesn’t have to be afraid.”

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My father gazed at me, and I wondered what was going through his mind. I’d come braced for anger, even fury, but all I could read on the old man’s features was weariness and sadness. “And how will you afford this apartment?” “I’ll get a job after school, and I can work summers. I’ll probably have to give up football, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” “So, in other words, your old man is such a failure that you have to step in and take over.” “I’m not here to judge you. I know after Mom … Well, it was hard on all of us. The less said about the past the better, as far as I’m concerned. This isn’t about you. It’s about Tim, and me, and our future.” “And what kind of future do you think you’ll have as a queer?” “I don’t know why you think the way you do about gays. Maybe you’ve believed all the bullshit you’ve been told. Maybe you’ve fallen for the lies. Maybe you’re just prejudiced, but I am what I am, and if you don’t like it, I don’t care. When I look at myself in the mirror in the morning I like what I see. I’m not perfect, but I am proud of myself, of what I’ve accomplished, of what I’ve become. I was born gay. I don’t know if I would have chosen it if I was given the choice. That doesn’t matter, because I had no choice in the matter. I’m just playing the cards I was dealt, like you, like everyone, and I think I’ve done a pretty damned good job.” “And you’re strong enough to kick your old man’s ass,” said my father. “Does that make you proud?” “No. I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t enjoy it, but it’s not something I wanted to do, and I don’t ever want it to happen again. Despite our past, you are my father. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t exist.” “It takes balls to stand up to me; even Tom could never look me in the eye for long,” said Dad. He pulled himself up from his chair with difficulty. I’d done him more damage than I’d thought. “Let’s go into the kitchen, have some coffee, and talk about this like men,” he said. It was a far more reasonable reaction than I was expecting. An hour later I drove away from what had once been my home, feeling a sense of closure. Dad didn’t fight me. He quietly gave in. It was an anticlimactic scene compared to our fistfight, but far more satisfying. I’d earned a measure of respect from my father. Not all was well between us, but things were as good as I could expect. I drove straight to the farm so I could tell Tim my news.

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I looked in Dane’s room when I returned, but it was empty. I next checked my own room and found Tim sitting on the edge of the bed, his things stacked in a corner. “It was too lonely in there without Dane,” said Tim. “I’m not used to being alone.” I nodded. “I just had a talk with Dad,” I said. “Are you okay?” asked Tim, looking me over for evidence of another fight. “I’m fine. Dad and I just talked.” I sat down beside Tim and told him of the conversation I had had with Dad and of my plans. “How can we afford an apartment?” asked Tim. “I’ll get a job, and Dad said he would take care of the first month’s rent and utilities and help out as best he could.” “Our father said that?” “Shocking, isn’t it? I think maybe he’s beginning to feel a little guilty for how he treated us.” “He damned well should!” “I won’t argue with you there.” “You’re serious? We’re getting an apartment and living on our own?” “Yes.” “This kicks ass!” “There are going to be some rules.” “Uh-oh.” “Nothing drastic, but you’re not running wild, and you’ve got to keep your grades up.” “Okay, as long as you don’t go control freak on me.” “I promise, I’ll let you pick out your own toothbrush, deodorant, and everything. You can even wipe your own butt.” “Gee, thanks! So when can we start looking?” “You can check the paper now if you like, but we can’t look until tomorrow after school. I’m meeting Casey in a while to discuss everything, which brings up another topic.” “The homo thing?” asked Tim, grinning. “Yeah, now that Dad knows, there’s not as much reason to stay hidden. Like I said this morning, I’ve got to discuss my feelings about it with Casey, because the decision affects her, too. You, on the other hand, are free to make your own choice.”

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“I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I am going to come out.” “Just so you can talk about Dane, huh?” “Well, partly, but I just don’t want to live a lie anymore, you know? I don’t have to worry about Dad beating my head in for being a homo anymore, so it’s safe now.” “Well, it’s not completely safe. There are risks. Not everyone approves of gays, not by a long shot. You’ll still be running the risk of getting your ass kicked. As soon as you come out, Devon and his little gang will instantly become your enemies. There are plenty of other jerks around, too. I agree, it’s safer now that we don’t have to worry about Dad, but it won’t be a walk in the park, either.” “Hey, if someone kicks my ass, you and the guys will hunt him down and beat him senseless.” “True, but that won’t take away the pain of a beating. I’m not trying to scare you or influence your decision, but I want to make sure you know the risks.” “Give me some credit, will ya? What am I, six? I’m neither blind to what goes on nor stupid.” “Okay, I’m sorry. I know you’re not stupid, Tim. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” “I know what could happen. I also know that the more guys like us who come out, the better things will be for everyone. People need to learn that we’re not monsters or freaks.” “You are a freak, Tim, but that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.” “Look who’s talking!” said Tim with a grin. “Thanks for the warning and your concern, big bro, but I have thought this out, and I’m coming out. I’m not going to make some big announcement, but I am going to tell my closest friends, and if some girl asks me out or something, I’ll just tell her the truth: I’m gay and have a hot, hot boyfriend.” “Like that’s ever going to happen! A girl ask you out? Yeah, right!” “It could happen!” I laughed. “I’ve got some homework to do, so why don’t you get lost?” “Okay, okay. I’ll go check the paper for apartments. I let you know if I find anything cool.” “Just remember, we’re still poor. It has got to be cheap.” Tim walked to the door, stopped, and looked back at me. “Shawn?” “Yeah?” “Thanks.”

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I smiled and nodded. ✶

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I walked into Ofarim’s just before 7:30 p.m. Casey was already waiting on me in a booth. There were a few other people eating, but Casey had selected a spot away from the others so we could talk. Casper came to our table. Casey ordered a taco salad and a Tab, and I ordered an Ofarim Burger, fries, and a Coke. “So, start talking,” said Casey. I did. I’d given her only the briefest of descriptions that morning at school, but as we sat there I gave her a blow-by-blow account. By the time I’d worked my way up to my conversation with Dad after school, we’d both finished eating, and I was working on a hot-fudge sundae. “Tim is going to come out,” I said when I’d finished the rest of the tale. “I told him to say nothing about me. I wanted to talk to you before making a decision on whether or not to come out myself. It’s a decision that will affect both of us.” “Well, let me ask you this first,” said Casey. “Do you want to come out?” “Mostly, yeah. I do have some reservations. As I reminded Tim, it’s not 100% safe even though we don’t have to worry about Dad anymore.” “That’s certainly true, but with Brendan and Ethan being out, it is reasonably safe.” “Yeah, the gay boys do have a reputation for sticking up for each other around here, and Brendan and Ethan are tough.” “You’re pretty tough yourself.” “Thanks!” “What about Tristan?” “Well, like I told you, we’re just friends right now, even though I want to be much more than friends. I think he’ll be coming out sooner or later, and whether or not I do won’t affect him that much. It will affect you and me, however, since we are supposed to be dating.” “Do you think everyone will be pissed off when they discover our romantic relationship was a sham?” “I don’t think so, not after I let everyone know why I had to be so careful. I told everyone the truth about how I got this,” I said, pointing to my black eye. “I just didn’t tell them what started the fight. If I come out and tell them about Dad, I think everyone will understand.” “You’re probably right.”

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“The question is, how do you feel about it? I can’t come out without exposing you. Everyone is going to wonder why you were dating a homo, and I don’t want to pretend I was playing you for a fool. That would make you look foolish and me look like a jerk.” “Shawn, if you come out, I’ll come out with you. I really don’t have a problem with people knowing. I kept my secret out of habit and then to protect you. Now that you don’t need my protection, there’s really no reason to keep my secret anymore.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Well, if you’re not, for any reason, we can keep right on “dating.” You’ve sure been there for me, and I want to be there for you.” “I appreciate that, Shawn, but there’s no longer any reason for me to stay hidden. Besides, there’s a historic opportunity here. There are plenty of out gay boys at V.H.S., but not one single out girl. I’d be the first.” “Maybe they’ll put up a statue of you or issue a commemorative coin or stamp!” “Hardly,” said Casey, laughing. “So you’re sure?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” “Um, three or four, I am a dumb jock, you know.” “Oh, I’ve known that for a long time, but you’re a great kisser, for a boy.” “Thanks. I think.” “So, when are you going to start looking for a place?” “Tomorrow after school. Tim has already spotted some possibilities in the paper. Want to come with us tomorrow? You can give us your feminine opinion.” “Count me in.” “Great!” “Back to coming out, do you plan to do it soon?” “Yeah, but I’m going to do it like Tim, just telling my closest friends. I’ll tell Ethan, Brendan, and the guys it’s not a secret anymore and then go on from there. I’m sure word will get out soon enough.” “It wouldn’t get out any faster if you broadcast it over the P.A. system.” “No doubt. I’m going to kind of miss ‘dating’ you.” “You won’t be missing anything. We’re friends, so we’ll still go out. Of course, I’ll understand if you get tight with Tristan and want to spend more of your time with him.”

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“I do hope to be busy with him in the future, but you’ll always be my best girl.” “I’m not sure how much that means, coming from a gay boy.” “In your case, it means a lot.” I leaned over the table and kissed Casey on the lips. The next day, just after school, Tim, Casey, and I began to check out the apartments on Tim’s list. There were only four we considered affordable, so I hoped one of them would suit our needs. Verona wasn’t exactly running over with rental properties. The first apartment we checked out was part of a twenty-unit complex. It was fairly new, included appliances and furnishings, and was clean. The drawback was the bedroom. It was tiny. If Tim and I shared it, we’d have to use a bunk bed. I hoped we could find something better, but I made some notes just in case. The next apartment was much larger, also furnished, but much older. The furniture was rather worn. That didn’t bother me, since it was much nicer than what I was accustomed to. Still, it didn’t look nearly as good as the first place we’d looked at. It also possessed a huge drawback—it was half of a duplex, and I could hear our neighbors screaming at each other. I was not interested in listening to that for the next couple of years. “Are you sure this is the right address?” I asked Tim when we pulled up in front of the third location. I asked because I couldn’t see an apartment, and we were sitting in front of Café Moffatt. “Yeah, this is it.” My eyes roved over the addresses written on the buildings, but the one we were seeking didn’t seem to be present. “Well, the address says 113B South Main,” I said. “Café Moffatt is 113 South Main, so where’s the apartment?” “There,” said Casey, pointing to an old fashioned door that was more glass than wood. Written just above it was “113B.” “The ad says to inquire in Café Moffatt,” said Tim. “You might have told me that,” I said. “I’ll go ask,” said Casey and jumped out of the car before we could say anything more. We waited on the sidewalk in the cold wind until Casey returned some three minutes later with the owner of Café Moffatt. It was she who owned the apartment. We followed the ladies up the stairs to check out the apartment, which was located directly above Café Moffatt and was, in fact, the entire upper story of the building.

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“I guess you would call this more of a loft than an apartment,” said Ms. Moffatt, who we’d been instructed to call Suzie. Suzie gave us the grand tour. The front half of the loft was a large living area. It was, in fact, larger than the entire first apartment we’d checked out. It had two big windows looking down onto Main Street as well as two more looking to the south. A nice little kitchen was separated from the living area only by an antique counter that looked like it had come out of an old store. The kitchen included a gas range, a refrigerator and dishwasher. “That stove actually dates to the 1950s,” said Suzie. “It looks new, but it’s not. I had it checked out when it was installed, so it’s quite safe.” We followed Suzie down a hallway that ran on the right side of the loft. There were two large bedrooms and then finally a large bathroom with lots of tile. “This is awesome!” said Tim. “It’s beautiful,” said Casey. “Which of you are interested in renting?” asked Suzie. “My brother and I,” I said. “How old are you?” “I’m sixteen. Dad will be paying the first month’s rent, and I’ll be getting a job to take care of the rest.” “To be honest, I’m a little reluctant to rent to teenagers,” said Suzie. “I suppose it is unusual,” I said. “I promise we’ll take good care of the apartment and won’t have any loud parties, or any parties at all. We’re staying with the Selbys right now, but we want to get our own place.” “Jack Selby?” “Yes. He’s letting us stay there, but we don’t want to be a bother any longer than we must.” “I’ll leave you to look around while I run downstairs,” said Suzie. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” “I don’t think she’s going to let us rent it,” said Tim, his disappointment plain in the tone of his voice. “I hadn’t thought about having any trouble getting someone to rent us a place,” I said. “I guess it makes sense, though.” “Maybe you could get references, from teachers and maybe your coach,” said Casey. “Yeah, maybe we can try that,” I said. “This place is so totally cool, and it’s right on Main Street!” said Tim. “You would need a little more furniture,” said Casey, “but you could move right in.”

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She was right. There was a couch and an arm chair in the living area, as well as beds in the bedrooms, but there were no kitchen table and chairs, no dressers, no TV, no desks. Still, we could easily make do with what was there until we could find some cheap stuff to furnish our loft. I feared we wouldn’t have to worry about it, however, because our prospects of being allowed to rent it didn’t look good. We explored a bit further. The living area, kitchen, and hallway had polished hardwood floors, while the bedrooms were nicely carpeted. The bathroom was tiled floor to ceiling, with large white tiles about a foot square on the floor and smaller tiles about 5" square on the walls. The smaller tiles were cream in color, except for three bands of dark green tiles near the floor, ceiling, and about halfway in between. I especially liked the shower. It kind of reminded me of the shower room at school, only this one had just one shower head and was nicer. There was no curtain or any kind of division from the rest of the bathroom. The shower area occupied one corner and the water ran down a drain. I’d never see such a bathroom before, but I guessed it could be arranged that way, since everything but the ceiling was tile. We heard Suzie coming up the stairs and went to meet her in the living area. “I called Jack, and he tells me you’re fine boys—mature and dependable. He said you always lend a hand when there’s something to be done. That’s a good enough reference for me.” “You mean it?” I asked. “Really?” said Tim, excitedly. “Yes. If Jack says you’re mature and dependable, you are.” “You know him?” I asked. “Oh, I’ve known him for years. There are very few people around here who don’t know Jack Selby. Now, about the apartment. Water and sewer are included in the rent. Gas and electricity aren’t, but it doesn’t take a lot to heat the place. As you can tell, it doesn’t feel too bad in here right now, and the heat isn’t even on. You get a lot of free heat coming up from the café, and the entire building is well insulated. In the summer you may want to use the air conditioning, but if you leave the windows open you might get by without it.” We discussed some more of the details about the rental agreement. I’d never rented a place before, and I was glad to have someone as nice as Suzie to deal with. I had expected heat to be a major expense, but with a little care that expense could be cut down to size. The heat coming up from the café below would sure help, and Tim and I could always wear sweaters. “So are you boys interested?” asked Suzie.

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“Definitely! This place is awesome!” I said. “I’ll get the rental agreement typed up, and you can sign it tomorrow after school. It’s a six-month agreement, and we can just extend it month to month as we go after that. Here, let me give you a couple of keys right now. You might as well start using the place.” “That’s very nice of you,” I said. “I’ll bring the first month’s rent tomorrow.” “Wonderful. You said you were looking for a job, right?” “Yeah. I haven’t had time to look yet, but that’s next on my list.” “Unfortunately, the café is open from 6 a.m. until 2 p.m. through the week which won’t work out for you while you’re in school, but we could discuss a weekend job if you would like. I especially need help on the weekends.” “Yeah, that would be great!” “I need to get back to the café, so … welcome to your home.” “Thank you,” said both Tim and I. Suzie walked down the stairs, and I dropped onto the sofa. “Well,” I said, “it looks like we’ve got ourselves a new home.”

Brendan

I pulled my Corvette up in front of Mom’s new home, which she referred to as her cottage. There was no need to check the address, it was obvious I’d come to the right place. A large moving van sat in the drive, and men were walking back and forth between the house and the truck, carrying furniture and boxes. It hadn’t been a week since Mom had arrived in Verona, and she was already moving into her new home. “Brendan!” said Mom when I walked through the door. She crossed the space between us and gave me a hug. “This is my son,” Mom announced proudly to the movers, who likely couldn’t have cared less. I cared, though. The pride in her voice meant everything to me. Mom knew I was gay and that I had a boyfriend, and she was proud of me. There was a time when I never thought I would see this day. “I thought it would take you weeks just to find a place, and here you are moving in.” “No, as I told you over the phone, this is the first house the real-estate agent showed me, and I fell in love with it on the spot. Strictly speaking, it’s not truly mine yet. It will take a few more weeks for all the papers to be prepared and signed. Only the house inspections have been completed.” “How can you move in if you haven’t bought it yet?” “I have made a deposit and the owner, Mrs. Ketterley, was nice enough to let me move right in. She said she saw no reason to let the house sit empty for a couple of months when I could be using it. She’s such a nice lady. She lives right down the street with her sister. She’s getting on in years and couldn’t stay by her- 261 -

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self, but she’s already dropped in for a visit, and I told her she’s welcome anytime. My neighbors are so friendly, too! Mrs. Browne already brought me a wonderful chocolate cake, and Mrs. Kennedy baked the most delicious blueberry muffins for me. We’re all going out to eat tomorrow evening.” “It sounds like you’re already making friends.” “Yes. Moving to Verona might just be the best decision I ever made, but let me show you the house. Let’s start outside.” Mom led me back out the front door, across the yard, through the gate of the white picket fence, and onto the sidewalk before she turned back around. “Isn’t it lovely? When I saw all that gingerbread trim I just knew this was the house for me. I love the colors too, cream and peach. Do you know what the cottage reminds me of?” “The Peach Tree Bed & Breakfast,” I said without hesitation. “Exactly. This place is much smaller, but it has that same charming atmosphere. It was built in 1870 by Mrs. Ketterley’s grandfather. She said she has some old photos of the family seated in front of the house from way back that she’s going to let me have. I’m going to frame them and put them in the parlor. “Can’t you just imagine this place in the spring? I’m going to get daffodils and tulips started in the flower beds, and I thought roses near the fence. I just love the fence, don’t you? It completely surrounds the yard. Are you laughing at me, Brendan?” “No, Mom,” I said grinning. “I just haven’t seen you this excited in a long time. You’re talking a mile a minute. I don’t mind in the least, though. I’m pleased to see you so happy.” “Well, we both deserve some happiness, don’t we?” “Yes, we do, Mom.” “Now, let me show you around inside. It’s all a mess right now, but I’ll get it sorted out.” I followed Mom back into her cottage. “I’m very lucky that absolutely nothing needed to be done to the interior before I moved in. There wasn’t an inch of baseboard or trim that needed to be repainted. This house has been properly taken care of since the very beginning. I did clean a little, but it was hardly necessary. Mrs. Ketterley actually came and cleaned the cottage once a week even after she stopped living here. Can you believe it? “I love how the walls in the parlor match the peach trim outside. The fireplace actually works, although there is a fairly new furnace hidden away with the washer, dryer, and water heater in a little room just off the kitchen. I’m going to

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set up a little sitting area over by the front windows on this side of the room so I can sit and read and watch people passing by. Don’t you just love this old wavy glass?” “It’s wonderful,” I said. I looked around the parlor, located at the very front of the house. It was beautiful, not quite my style, but I could see where Mom would love it. “Through here is the bedroom,” said Mom, opening an old-fashioned door to the left of the fireplace. “I think I’ll use this one as a guest room. It’s light and cheerful, but the back bedroom is even better.” Mom led me through another door into another bedroom. “You see what I mean? This bedroom has such a lovely view of the back yard, and I just know those old lilac and snowball bushes are going to be beautiful come spring.” We retraced our steps to the parlor, and then Mom led me into the kitchen, which was through a door to the right of the fireplace. “Have you ever seen such a large kitchen? It’s the size of both bedrooms combined, and neither of those is exactly small. I love this built-in china cabinet. All my best dishes are going in there, once I find them, that is.” Mom showed me all the points of interest in the kitchen, pointed out the utility area that held the furnace, water heater, washer, and dryer, and showed me the door that led from the kitchen to her bedroom through a short hallway. Then she took me out the back door and showed me around the sizable yard. In addition to the lilac and snowball bushes she’d already pointed out, there were a couple of huge spruce trees, with smaller ones standing around their roots, looking like younger children gazing up at their parents. There were other trees as well, but it was hard to identify them since it was winter. I was sure the yard would be beautiful in the summer, but that season was still far away. I helped Mom unpack dishes, pots and pans, and utensils when the tour was finished. She wanted to get the kitchen up and running first. The movers had already set up her bed in the bedroom and were quickly placing other furniture throughout the house. I was by myself part of the time because Mom was constantly disappearing to show the movers just what went where. She was highly organized. I noted that each of the boxes was clearly labeled with the contents. Mom and I were both starving by the time the movers had finished emptying the truck. There was yet more to come, but they wouldn’t be bringing another load until the next morning. Mom wasn’t quite set up for cooking so we decided to order a pizza. The phone wasn’t hooked up yet, so I drove the short distance to Parrot’s Pizza on Main Street and placed an order for a large pepperoni.

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Parrot’s was fairly new and it was the first time I’d been inside. It was located just across the street from Café Moffatt, and I’d heard the pizza and breadsticks were excellent. The owners last name was Parrot, and the interior was done up in a parrot motif. There were a few parrot-themed items hung on the walls, but they were by no means overpowering. The tables and booths were covered with greenand-white-checked tablecloths, and there were green candles burning on all the tables. It was unlike any pizza place I’d ever been in, but the decorating scheme worked. As I waited on our pizza, I walked to the window and looked up at the windows over Café Moffatt. That’s where Shawn and Tim’s new loft was located. I had yet to see inside. Shawn said they wanted to get it fixed up a bit before they had everyone over. He and Tim had moved out of the farmhouse only the day before. I hadn’t seen Shawn so excited in quite a long time. Soon, I was driving the pizza back to Mom’s cottage in my Corvette. I’d decided to save the Corvette just for the summertime and drive the Cutlass the rest of the year, but I couldn’t help but use the convertible for a few days, even if it was far too cold to put the top down. I’d already bought a cover for it, and Jack had said I could park it out of the way in the barn. I couldn’t wait for the summer when I could cruise around town with Casper. Mom and I ate and talked in the kitchen. Luckily, her antique kitchen table and chairs had already been delivered by the movers. Mom seemed like an entirely new person. It was as if she’d suppressed her true self during all the years she lived with my father. I guess there was more than one kind of living in the closet. “Did you know that Mrs. Browne told me her grandson is gay? He lives out in California, and apparently they think nothing at all of that out there. She told me that after I told her you were my son.” “Yeah, everyone knows about me around here.” “Are you sure it’s safe, Brendan?” “It isn’t entirely safe. There are jerks around, but I can handle myself, and I’ve got friends. Besides, I think it’s important for me to be open about what I am. I’m captain of the football team and the quarterback. When people see me, they start thinking differently about what gays are like.” “You’ve changed my ideas. I’m still adjusting, but I think I’ve come a long way. That Casper of yours, he’s such a dear boy. I kept wanting to pinch his cheeks when we met in Pigeon Crossing.” “He might not appreciate that. He’s sixteen, not six, and he turns seventeen in the middle of March.”

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“You’re both so young.” “Well, there will be no pinching of my cheeks, either.” Mom laughed. The next evening Casper didn’t have to work, so he came with me to Mom’s cottage. We both got busy unpacking the boxes that were sitting all over. The more time Mom spent with Casper, the more she seemed to like him. He slowly charmed her, as I knew he would. I hoped that eventually Mom would think of him as her son-in-law or perhaps as another son. I was quite sure Mom was not comfortable thinking of Casper and me together in bed, but she was quickly growing accustomed to us being together in other ways. When I put my arm around him or brushed the hair out of his eyes, she didn’t seem to mind in the least. Mom was coming around a lot faster than I’d dared hope.

Dane

On Friday evening, Mom, Dad, and I sat around the kitchen table discussing whether I should be home-schooled or whether we should move to another school district. I kind of liked the idea of home-schooling, but if we stayed in Marmont that meant I was still a marked man. I wouldn’t have to brave the halls of M.H.S., but the local thugs might get me in the park or anywhere else in town. After an extended discussion, the home-schooling idea was dropped. That left only one option: we were moving. Leaving Marmont would be a big step for all of us, but luckily it would be easier for us than for most families. Dad was an architect. He had an office in town, but he could do his work from anywhere, and he did business in all the nearby counties and cities. Mom worked, besides taking care of the house and Dad and me, but she didn’t have the kind of job she had to commute to, so she wasn’t tied down either. I had a feeling both my parents would have quit their jobs if necessary so that I wouldn’t have to go back to M.H.S. They loved me that much. I fairly shook with possibility that maybe, just maybe … but it was too much to hope for. The crushing disappointment that could result made me hesitant to even grasp for my heart’s desire. We had to move somewhere, however, and I knew I wouldn’t face the hatred and discrimination at V.H.S. that I had in Marmont. There was nothing to do but try for it. “Could we move to Verona?” I asked. Mom and Dad didn’t answer, but looked thoughtful. “I already have friends there, so it would be a lot easier starting school there than anywhere else. There are several out gay boys there, too. You’ve met them. - 266 -

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Brendan is the captain of the football team and the quarterback. He’s out and most everyone is cool with it. Ethan is out, too, and he’s the top wrestler in the whole school. He has the record for the most wins—ever.” I could tell by the looks on their faces I was scoring some points. “This is a big decision, Dane,” said my dad. “Wherever we move, we’ll have to find a house. I’ll also have to find a place for my business.” “Maybe we could get a house big enough you could have your office right inside,” I said. “Maybe.” “Please! I really want to live in Verona. Everyone is so nice to me there!” I’d saved it until this moment, but I played my trump card. “Shawn lives in Verona. He could look out for me at school, kind of like a big brother would. He would never let anything happen to me. What happened to me here would never happen in Verona with Shawn around.” Mom and Dad knew Shawn lived in Verona, of course, but I knew reminding them would have an effect. I didn’t remind them that my boyfriend lived there, too. They knew that as well, but I didn’t think it would help convince them to move to the town of my dreams. “Give your mother and me some time to discuss it,” said Dad. “Okay, but I really want to live there. We have to move somewhere, after all.” “Why don’t you go to your room for a while so your father and I can talk,” said Mom. “Okay.” I left the kitchen and headed for my room, impatiently awaiting their decision. Unfortunately, I didn’t get an answer that night, nor the next morning, nor the next night. It was all I could do to keep myself from asking Mom or Dad if they’d made up their minds yet. Finally, on Sunday afternoon, after two whole days of agony, they gave me the verdict. We were moving to Verona! I walked up to my room in a daze after Mom and Dad gave me the news. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, but I felt as if I was in a dream. Moving to Verona was too good to be true. How many times had I wished I could live there? How many times had I yearned to be closer to Tim? Moving to Verona was such an incredible, wonderful event that I was almost afraid to believe it was really going to happen for fear I’d somehow make it all go away. At the moment I forgot about Billy, about my black eye, bruises, and stitched-up lip. The taunts and hatred of my peers meant nothing. I was leaving it all behind. I couldn’t wait to give Tim the news. I called the Selbys, but was surprised when Nathan told me that Shawn and Tim had moved out earlier in the week.

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They had their own place in Verona now, but didn’t have a phone hooked up yet. I didn’t tell Nathan about my move to Verona. I wanted to be the one to tell Tim. I guessed it would just have to wait. I wondered how Shawn and Tim had managed their own place, but I’d find out soon enough. It seemed as though everyone was moving! I stood in the center of my room and looked around. It had been my room for my entire life. Now that I was leaving it, I felt a bit sad. There were so many memories here, like playing with my matchbox cars on the floor. When I was a kid, I would get a big piece of paper and draw out streets and houses and stores. I could play with my cars for hours on end. Of course, there were lots of accidents, and the police cars and fire engines were often racing down the streets, sirens screaming. I remembered sitting and listening to all my Smothers Brothers records, too. Well, they were Dad’s records, but he let me have them. I loved listening to Dick and Tom Smothers bickering on those albums and hearing the stories over and over, like the one about Tom’s pet chicken. He wasn’t allowed to have a dog, so he had a pet chicken instead. He never could get it to bark. “I said bark, chicken, bark!” I grinned just thinking about Tommy screaming that. My old room was a lot to give up, but the sacrifice was worth it. Besides, I didn’t have to leave everything behind. My furniture and all my belongings would be going with me. I could take my memories, too. I didn’t have to leave them when I walked out the door for the last time. As excited as I was about moving to Verona, I couldn’t help but feel a bit disoriented. Everything was about to change. I never really thought about my life before, but I’d always pictured it just continuing as it always had. I’d continue to live with Mom and Dad in the same house, in the same town. I would always go to school, and Mom would always be there when I came home. Now, we were leaving the town and our home behind, and someday I’d finish school. That day wasn’t that far off really. I would go to college, who knows where, or maybe just get a job. I would move out on my own like Shawn and Tim had just done, and I’d come home to … who? Tim maybe. That would be cool. I could picture us living together. It was all up in the air, however, and nothing was for certain. My life had already gone through so many changes, and more were to come. Hopefully, those that were to come would be more pleasant than recent changes in my life. Moving to Verona was certainly a step in the right direction! I didn’t go to school the next day, of course. It felt kind of odd to be sitting at home on a Monday morning instead of walking to school. It was a weird feeling to know I’d never go back there. Mom said she would return my books and clean out my locker for me. I was glad I didn’t have to go back. I hated it there. I didn’t

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care that I’d never see any of my classmates again. I did want to say goodbye to Simon and Rue before I left Marmont for good. They were the only ones who had been decent to me. If it wasn’t for Simon I might well have been lying in a hospital bed for weeks. Who knows? I might even be dead. I wished I could take him with me. I was certain V.H.S. would be a better place for him than Marmont. I didn’t know if Simon was gay or not, but he was different enough to attract unwanted attention. I wondered if Billy would someday turn on him, too. I felt just a touch guilty for what I’d done to Billy. I’d lied about him. Billy and I never had sex together, but I said we did to get back at him for outing me. It gave him a taste of what I’d been going through. He deserved to get his ass kicked. My revenge wasn’t as sweet as I thought it would be, though. I’d done wrong and I knew it. I felt like I was slipping back into my old ways, and I didn’t want to become that Dane again, not ever. Billy had been cruel to me, but that didn’t make what I’d done to him right. I was sorry for it now and not because he’d kicked my ass for it. I was sorry because I just didn’t want to be that kind of person. The next time I found myself tempted to do wrong, I had to be stronger. I had to be better than Billy’s kind. Mom came in just before nine and told me to pack my bags. She said to pack as if I was going on a trip for a week or two. We were leaving for Verona in an hour to seek out temporary accommodations so I could start school at V.H.S. as soon as possible. My mind was reeling. I might be attending the same classes as Tim by the end of the week! I wouldn’t have to tell him my news on the phone now. I could do it in person! Everything was moving so fast I could hardly believe it. I quickly packed boxers, socks, jeans, and shirts into my suitcases. I packed up my toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant, too. I grabbed up magazines, books, anything and everything I thought I might want or need. I would be returning to pack up all my stuff, of course, but from the way Mom talked I would be staying in Verona starting today! I was even more excited on the drive than I had been on my recent trip to visit Tim for his birthday. Last time I’d been thrilled to have a whole weekend in Verona. Now, I could have a whole life there! The forty-five minute trip seemed to last about five hours. I simply could not wait to get there. Once we did, I figured we would be renting a room for the night, but instead we headed for a real-estate office. I sat and swung my legs back and forth while Mom and Dad talked to the agent about what kind of house we wanted to buy and what places we could rent until we could find a house. I never realized it before, probably because I knew nothing about home buying, but it

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could easily take two months to complete the purchase of a home after the buyer and seller agreed on a price! That sounded ridiculous to me. I knew it would take some time for Mom and Dad to find a house, but I was thinking the whole finding and buying a house would take maybe two weeks. It looked as if it might be spring before I moved into my new home. The real-estate agent told Mom and Dad about a rental that had just been listed. We piled back in the car and followed her to a little house that was right across the street from the big, creepy Graymoor mansion. The agent unlocked the front door, and we walked in. The house was a lot smaller than ours, with two tiny bedrooms, a small bathroom, a little kitchen, and a slightly bigger living room. Everything about the house was small. It was kind of cool, though, and I would have pitched a tent on the side of the road if it meant I could live in Verona. Mom and Dad liked the place, and the real-estate agent said she could push the paperwork and actually have us in by suppertime. Apparently, it wasn’t as hard to set up the rental of a home as it was a purchase. The fact that the home belonged to her sister probably speeded up things, too, as did the fact the real-estate agent knew she would be making a commission on whatever house Mom and Dad eventually purchased. The real-estate agent had free time before lunch, so she showed Mom and Dad a house she thought might interest them. It was one of those ordinary old houses from the 1940s or 50s or whenever with a really heavy looking front porch. It was okay, but it smelled funny, and the basement was scary. Still, it was kind of fun house shopping. I knew I would miss out on most of it, probably, because I’d be in school. At V.H.S.! Yes! There was only time to look at one house before lunch. The real-estate agent had prior appointments all afternoon, so that was it for house shopping that day. Mom and Dad asked if I knew a good place to eat, so I directed them to Ofarim’s. After lunch, I gave Mom and Dad a tour of Verona. I had lived there for a few weeks during the previous summer, after all. We also drove by some of the houses the real-estate agent had mentioned. One in particular caught Mom’s eye, although it wasn’t really a house at all; it was an old school. It was nowhere near as big as schools nowadays, of course. I didn’t know when it was built, but it was obviously old. I imagined it must’ve been used as a school before V.H.S. was built, but it didn’t look nearly large enough to have been a junior/senior high. Of course, it might’ve been a grade school at one time. I didn’t get a good enough look at it to tell.

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We dropped in at V.H.S. next to see what needed to be done to get me enrolled there. As I stepped through the front doors I thought: This is where Tim goes to school. It was totally cool to be walking through the very doors my boyfriend had no doubt walked through countless times. Soon, I’d be walking through them with him! Mom and Dad asked to see the principal, and in just a few minutes they were sitting in his office, while I was exiled to the waiting area. They were no doubt talking about the troubles I’d had at my old school and seeking assurances that things would be handled better at V.H.S. I got bored and wandered away from the offices, going out into the hall to gaze at the bulletin board. Today, the students had been served fish sandwiches with tartar sauce, corn, coleslaw, a hot roll with butter, and apple cobbler for dessert. It sounded about the same as what we ate at M.H.S. The bell rang, and lots of kids started moving through the hallway. I felt a bit conspicuous just standing there, but then most of them probably didn’t know I didn’t attend V.H.S., or care. “Dane?” I turned. It was Tim! “What are you doing here?” he asked. “You’re not going to believe this,” I told him. “A lot has happened since we spoke last.” “Nathan said you called the farm yesterday.” “Yeah, I had some BIG news.” “What?” “We’re moving to Verona!” “You’re kidding me!” “Nope, Mom and Dad are in the principal’s office right now seeing about enrolling me.” “I can’t believe it!” shouted Tim, causing heads to turn. “This is … this is incredible!” Tim grabbed me and hugged me. That would’ve meant death at my old school, but not too many people even took notice. “Get a room, you two.” I looked around. It was Brandon. I didn’t know him too well, but I’d met him and knew he was friends with the gang. Brandon grinned and walked on. “You’re really moving here? Why?” “It’s kind of long story, but it has a lot to do with this,” I said, pointing to my bruised and stitched up face.

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“Are you okay?” “I’m better than okay. I’m fantastic! I’m moving to Verona!” “When?” “Today. Mom and Dad are going to rent a place until they can find a house. We’re supposed to be able to get in this evening.” “No way! Shawn and I just got an apartment together!” I didn’t tell Tim that Nathan had already told me they’d got a place. “I can’t wait to see it.” “Hey, I have to get to class or I’ll be late. Can we meet after school?” “Yeah. I’ll meet you at Ofarim’s. I’m not sure what’s going on this evening, but I can at least meet you for a while.” “Great! This is so cool!” Tim hugged me again, and then he was gone. I returned to the principal’s office, beaming. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. My parents made all the arrangements for me to enroll at V.H.S.; we drove around checking out more houses and explored Verona. I met Tim at Ofarim’s a little before 4 p.m. We only had a couple of hours, because Mom and Dad wanted me to come with them to the real-estate agent’s office at 6 p.m. so we could hopefully get the keys to our temporary residence in Verona. If not, we would have to get a motel room for the night. Tim and I had so much to tell each other we could hardly squeeze it all in. We sat in Ofarim’s sipping on chocolate milkshakes while we told of our recent adventures. A lot had gone down in the last few days. Our worlds had completely changed and for the better. It was a miracle. Tim and I were so busy talking I didn’t get a chance to check out his new loft, but I knew there would be time for everything. This wasn’t a weekend visit to Verona. I was moving permanently! By 7:00 p.m. I was carrying my bags into the little house my parents were renting. It was cold inside, but warmed up quickly enough when we turned on the furnace. My bedroom was bare for the most part, but there was a single bed, a dresser, a desk, a chair, and virtually no floor space. The room was so small it seemed more like a closet than a bedroom. I laughed. I was now living in a closet, when I was soon to be free of the closet forever. I wouldn’t have to live in hiding anymore. I had trouble getting to sleep that night. I was in a strange bed in a strange room, and my whole world was changing. In just a couple of days I would be going to a new school. I didn’t even know where my home was to be in Verona

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yet. Still, I was happy—happier than I’d been in a long time. I could actually see my boyfriend every single day! Even more importantly than that, however, I no longer had to live in constant fear. I knew Verona had its bullies and its own dangers, but at least not everyone here was an enemy. I hadn’t even started at V.H.S. yet, and I already had more friends there than I’d ever had at my old school. I was a bit nervous about setting out on a new adventure, but mostly I was just plain excited. Let the adventure begin!

Shawn

My life had become a whirlwind of excitement and activity, so much so that I’d only been able to talk to Tristan at school. I wanted to spend more time with him, but with the showdown with Dad, moving out, finding a place to live, and finding a job, I’d been so busy I hadn’t had time to breathe. I wanted to spend much more time with Tristan, but my insane schedule forced me to take things slowly with him. Had I not been so crazy-busy, I might well have been a nuisance and have ruined things between us before they had a chance to get started. As it was, I ate lunch with him and greeted him in the halls, but that was about it. I had an irrational fear that someone would steal him away from me. A few girls were already trying. Tristan had already gathered a lot of girlfriends, not as in a romantic relationship, but as in friends who were girls. I knew none of them had a chance with him, however, since they lacked a Y-chromosome. I was afraid Tristan might meet a guy he liked better than me. He got on with the guys just as well as the girls, and in that he reminded me a great deal of his cousin. Thank God things had changed in Verona, or Tristan might have someday been facing the living hell that Taylor did. My enforced separation from the boy of my dreams was about to end, however. We’d made plans to hang out together after school, eat at Ofarim’s, and check out my new loft. I couldn’t wait! My heart just about melted as Tristan walked toward my locker at the end of the school day. That’s how strongly I felt about him. I didn’t know him well, but I was totally in love with that boy. That’s something else that had resulted from

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our separation. The more I thought about him, the more I loved him. I know it sounds silly and probably all corny, too, but I don’t care, that’s the way I felt. I drove Tristan to Ofarim’s. I wasn’t too hungry, so I ordered a cheeseburger, small fries, and a Coke. Tristan ordered just onion rings and a Coke. I was so excited to be sitting across from him I could barely contain myself. “I’m really sorry we haven’t been able to get together again before now, but things have been crazy.” “It’s okay, Shawn. I’ve been buried with catching up at school and trying to get all my stuff unpacked and put away.” “You’re still working on unpacking, huh?” “Yeah, I can’t believe I have so much stuff.” “I know that feeling. Tim and I have been hauling our junk to the loft. I thought one trip would do it, but I was so wrong.” “I can’t wait to see your loft.” “Well, it’s not much to look at yet, but it will be. We need to do some serious decorating.” “I can help you there. I’m good with colors and creating a ‘look.’” “Yeah, I bet you are, you’re an artist after all.” “Well, that’s debatable, but thank you for saying so.” “Oh, I wanted to ask you something. Does anyone know about you yet, other than the gay crowd that is?” “You mean, have I told anyone I’m gay?” asked Tristan. “Yeah.” “I told one of the girls. I could tell she was really into me and she asked me out, so I told her I was gay.” “How did she take it?” “Great! We’re really good friends now.” “Cool. I guess this means the whole school will know about you soon; word travels fast.” “Yeah, she asked if it was a big secret, and I told her no. I don’t care if people know, I just don’t want to go around announcing it. That would make too big of a deal out of it, and I don’t think it should be a big deal, do you?” “No, but it is to a lot of people.” “Well, a lot of people get worked up over nothing.” “No kidding.” “So, how about you, Shawn?” “I talked to Casey, and we’ve stopped posing as a couple. Of course, we’re such good friends there’s hardly any difference. I thought we might have to keep

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“dating” so no one would find out about her, but she thought it was a good time to become Verona’s first out lesbian.” Tristan laughed. “Wow, you, Tim, Casey, and me all coming out at once; Devon and his crowd will crap their pants.” “Yeah, they’ll probably be convinced it’s some kind of homo takeover.” “Ah, yes, the delights of paranoia.” “I really like you,” I said. “You’re not half bad yourself.” Tristan had the most mesmerizing brown eyes. Every time he looked at me I went weak in the knees. He affected me in a way that no other boy ever had. I yearned to hold him in my arms and kiss him. My whole body ached for it, but I knew I had to be patient and move slowly. As much as I desired to pounce on Tristan, things were better this way. There would be no instant sexual gratification as there had been with Blake York, but Tristan and I had a chance at something far greater than mere sex. It was those other parts of a relationship that I truly yearned for, anyway. I wanted someone to love who would love me back. I wanted a companion, a friend, and a confidant as much as a lover. My hormones assaulted me, demanding sex, but I knew I could have much, much more. Still, taking things slowly was a bit agonizing, especially since there was no guarantee things would work out between Tristan and me. We were just friends at present. Even if we started dating, it didn’t mean he would become my boyfriend or that we would live happily ever after. I could invest weeks, or even months, and never get to make love to Tristan, but then again sex wasn’t my ultimate goal. If I just wanted sex, I could give Blake a call. No, I wanted the whole package with Tristan, not just a quick naked encounter. After our chat at Ofarim’s we made the very short drive to my new home. Tristan followed me up the stairs, and we stepped inside. “Welcome to Shawn’s and Tim’s loft,” I said. “Wow, it’s big!” “Yeah, we have lots of space, because we don’t have much to go in it right now. You can tell just by looking around what we don’t have. We also have no money to spare, so I don’t know when we’ll be buying more furnishings. Dishes and pots and pans are at the top of my list of things to purchase, as well as silverware. Right now we’re using paper plates and bowls and plastic forks, spoons, and knives.” “I spotted a resale shop in town,” said Tristan. “I bet you could get a lot of stuff there.”

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“Yeah, I plan to when I get a little cash. I start my job tomorrow, but right now Tim and I barely have lunch and gas money. It takes a while to get going when you’re starting from zero.” “It’s exciting, though, isn’t it?” said Tristan. “You’ve got your own place, and you can get all kinds of cool stuff for it.” “We’ll probably only be able to afford tacky stuff.” “You’re forgetting, you have a talented artist to assist you. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a great look.” Tristan laughed. I gave Tristan the grand tour, although it was mainly a tour of empty rooms. Tim was lying on his bed, doing his homework. Currently, the beds were the only furnishings in either of our bedrooms. The rooms seemed especially large and all the sounds echoed. “This bathroom is awesome!” said Tristan. “I love the tile, and that shower is totally cool.” “Thanks.” “This place has so much potential,” said Tristan as we walked back toward the living area. “I’m as excited as if it was my place. This spring, you could put window boxes just outside the windows and fill them with flowers. I’m sure we can find some great furniture at auctions and yard sales. We can pick up a lot of decorative pieces as well.” “I’ll consider you my decorator. I’m just a dumb jock after all.” “You’re far more than that, Shawn,” said Tristan. I wanted ever so much to kiss him just then, but I contented myself with reaching out and grasping his hand, just for a moment. He smiled at me, and my heart melted. We spent a good deal of time discussing the possible furnishings for the apartment, the color scheme, and more. Tristan’s enthusiasm was contagious, and I found myself wanting to go out and shop right then. Since I didn’t have any spare cash, however, shopping would have to wait. My finances would hopefully improve soon. I had two jobs lined up. I would be working weekends at Café Moffatt and Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at Ofarim’s. I had yet to start work at either of my jobs, but I was scheduled to begin training the next afternoon. Casper was looking to cut back on his hours, so when he found out I needed a job he talked to Agnes, and she agreed to take me on as his replacement for three days a week. My new schedule would leave me with only Mondays and Fridays off, but Café Moffatt closed at 2 p.m., so I would still have a good deal of Saturday and Sunday free.

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Tristan stayed until 10 p.m., and then I drove him home. I missed him so much after I dropped him off that my heart ached. I reminded myself I would see him the next day at school. When I got some cash together, Tristan and I could start shopping for furnishings, too. I also planned to ask him out on a real date soon. We were getting to know each other, and the more time I spent with Tristan the more I liked him. If I wasn’t mistaken, the feeling was mutual. I hadn’t been so happy in I don’t know how long.

Epilogue Valentine’s Day (Sunday)

Brendan

I grinned as Casper and I sat down at our table in The Park’s Edge. Casper waved to Ethan and Nathan, who were seated only a few tables away. We’d spotted Dane and Tim sitting together at a distant table and Shawn and Tristan sitting at yet another. Even Casey and Sandy had come to The Park’s Edge for a Valentine’s Day supper. “I knew Ethan and Nathan were coming, but it looks as though the whole gang is here.” “I guess everyone wanted to go somewhere nice for Valentine’s Day,” said Casper. “The place is definitely crowded.” The Park’s Edge was indeed packed. Casper and I had waited twenty minutes for a table. “I see Shawn finally worked up the nerve to ask Tristan out,” I said. “He told me he was going to. He thought it would be romantic if they had their very first date on Valentine’s Day.” “I hope they work out. Shawn deserves someone who’ll be good to him, and Tristan is the sweetest boy I’ve met in a long time.” “Time will tell,” said Casper. “Now that Shawn’s paired up with someone, I guess that leaves Jon as the only single guy in our little group.” “I don’t know about that; check out the table just past where Brandon and Jennifer are sitting.” “Where? I didn’t even see Brandon and Jen.” - 280 -

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“On past Dane and Tim.” I peered across the table and there sat Jon, sitting across from Kim Haley. Jon must have felt me looking at him, because he turned his head and his eyes locked on mine. His broad grin told me than even Jon had finally found someone. “This might just be the perfect Valentine’s Day,” I said. “Everything is coming together, isn’t it?” said Casper. “Yeah, Shawn and Tim don’t have to worry about their dad anymore, and they’ve both found someone special. Dane is living in Verona where we can keep an eye on him. Mom and I are becoming a real mother and son again. Even Jon has found someone. And, no one has tried to kill any of us in months. Who knows? Things could even begin to get boring around here.” Casper giggled. “I don’t think we’ll ever have to worry about that.” “Probably not,” I said. I leaned across the table and kissed Casper on the lips. I was happy, content, and with the boy I loved. What could be better than that? The End

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

Gay Youth Chronicles:

Ancient Prejudice Break to New Mutiny Mark is a boy who wants what we all want: to love and be loved. His dreams are realized when he meets Taylor, the boy of his dreams. The boys struggle to keep their love hidden from a world that cannot understand, but ultimately, no secret is safe in a small Mid-western town. Ancient Prejudice is a story of love, friendship, understanding, and an age-old prejudice that still has the power to kill. It is a story for young and old, gay and straight. It reminds us all that everyone should be treated with dignity and respect and that there is nothing greater than the power of love.

The Soccer Field Is Empty The Soccer Field Is Empty is a revised and much expanded edition of Ancient Prejudice. It is more than 50% longer and views events from the point of view of Taylor, as well as Mark. There is so much new in the revised edition that it is being published as a separate novel. Soccer Field delves more deeply into the events of Mark and Taylor’s lives and reveals previously hidden aspects of Taylor’s personality. Authors note: I suggest readers new to my books start with Soccer Field instead of Ancient Prejudice as it gives a more complete picture of the lives of Mark and

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Taylor. For those who wish to read the original version, Ancient Prejudice will remain available for at least the time being.

Someone Is Watching It’s hard hiding a secret. It’s even harder keeping that secret when someone else knows. Someone Is Watching is the story of Ethan, a young high school wrestler who must come to terms with being gay. He struggles first with himself, then with an unknown classmate that hounds his every step. While struggling to discover the identity of his tormentor, Ethan must discover his own identity and learn to live his life as his true self. He must choose whether to give up what he wants the most, or face his greatest fear of all.

A Better Place High school football, a hospital of horrors, a long journey, and an unlikely love await Brendan and Casper as they search for a better place … Casper is the poorest boy in school. Brendan is the captain of the football team. Casper has nothing. Brendan has it all: looks, money, popularity, but he lacks the deepest desire of his heart. The boys come from different worlds, but have one thing in common that no one would guess. Casper goes through life as the “invisible boy”; invisible to the boys that pick on him in school, invisible to his abusive father, and invisible most of all to his older brother, who makes his life a living hell. He can’t believe his good luck when Brendan, the most popular boy in school, takes an interest in him and becomes his friend. That friendship soon travels in a direction that Casper would never have guessed. A Better Place is the story of an unlikely pair, who struggle through friendship and betrayal, hardships and heartbreaks, to find the desire of their hearts, to find a better place.

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

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Someone Is Killing The Gay Boys of Verona Someone is killing the gay boys of Verona, Indiana, and only one gay youth stands in the way. He finds himself pitted against powerful foes, but finds allies in places he did not expect. A brutal murder. Gay ghosts. A Haunted Victorian-Mansion. A cult of hate. A hundred year old ax murder. All this, and more, await sixteen-year-old Sean as he delves into the supernatural and races to discover the murderer before he strikes again. Someone is Killing the Gay Boys of Verona is a supernatural murder mystery that goes where no gay novel has set foot before. It is a tale of love, hate, friendship, and revenge.

Keeper of Secrets Sixteen-year-old Avery is in trouble, yet again, but this time he’s in over his head. On the run, Avery is faced with hardships and fear. He must become what he’s always hated, just to survive. He discovers new reasons to hate, until fate brings him to Graymoor Mansion and he discovers a disturbing connection to the past. Through the eyes of a boy, murdered more than a century before, Avery discovers that all is not as he thought. Avery is soon forced to face the greatest challenge of all; looking into his own heart. Sean is head over heels in love with his new boyfriend, Nick. There is trouble in paradise, however. Could a boy so beautiful really love plain, ordinary Sean? Sean cannot believe it and desperately tries to transform himself into the ideal young hunk, only to learn that it’s what’s inside that matters. Keeper of Secrets is the story of two boys, one a gay youth, the other an adolescent gay basher. Fate and the pages of a hundred year old journal bring them together and their lives are forever changed.

Do You Know That I Love You The lead singer of the most popular boy band in the world has a secret. A tabloid willing to tell all turns his world upside down.

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

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In Do You Know That I Love You, Ralph, a young gay teen living on a farm in Indiana, has an aching crush on a rock star and wants nothing more than to see his idol in concert. Meanwhile, Jordan, the rock star, is lonely and sometimes confused with his success, because all he wants is someone to love him and feels he will never find the love he craves. Do You Know is the story of two teenage boys, their lives, desires, loves, and a shared destiny that allows them both to find peace.

Masked Destiny Masked Destiny is the story of Skye, a high school athlete determined to be the Alpha male. Skye’s obsessed with his own body, his Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe, and keeping those around him in their place. Try as he might, he’s not quite able to ignore the world around him, or the plight of gay boys that cross his path. Too frightened of what others might think, Skye fails to intervene when he could have saved a boy with a single word. The resulting tragedy, wise words for a mysterious blond boy, and a unique opportunity combine to push Skye toward his destiny. Oliver is young, a bit pudgy, and interested in little more than his books and possibly his first kiss. As he slowly gains courage, he seeks out the friendship of Clay, his dream boy, in hopes they will become more than friends. Oliver is sought out in turn by Ken, who warns him Clay is not at all what he seems, but Ken, too, has his secrets. Oliver must choose between them and discovers danger, a link to boys murdered in the recent past, and the answers to secrets he’d never dreamed.

Altered Realities Marshall only wanted to help his friends, to undo the pain of the past, but a few moments of thoughtless action changed everything. Altered Realities is the tale of a changed world. All bets are off. Nothing is as it was and what is to be is transformed too. Mark, Taylor, Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, Casper and nearly the entire cast of the Gay Youth Chronicles come together in a tapestry of tales as they all try to deal with the consequences of Marshall’s actions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

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This Time Around What happens when a TV evangelist struggles to crush gay rights? Who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the world? This Time Around follows Jordan and Ralph as they become involved in a struggle with Reverend Wellerson, a TV evangelist, over the fate of gay youth centers. Wellerson is willing to stop at nothing to crush gay rights and who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the entire world? While battling Wellerson, Jordan seeks to come to terms with his own past and learn more about the father he never knew. The excitement builds when an assassin is hired and death becomes a real possibility for Jordan and those around him. Jordan is forced to face his own fears and doubts and the battle within becomes more dangerous than the battle without. Will Jordan be able to turn from the path of destruction, or is he doomed to follow in the footsteps of his father? This time around, things will be different.

The Summer of My Discontent The Summer of My Discontent is a tapestry of tales delving into life as a gay teen in a small Midwestern town. Dane is a sixteen-year-old runaway determined to start a new life of daring, love, and sex—no matter the cost to himself, or others. His actions bring him to the brink of disaster and only those he sought to prey upon can save him. Among Dane’s new found “friends” are a young male prostitute and the local grave robber who becomes his despised employer. The boys of A Better Place are back—Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper are once again dealing with trouble in Verona, Indiana. Drought and circumstance threaten their existence and they struggle together to save themselves from blackmail, financial collapse, and temptation. Brendan must cope with anonymity after being one of the most popular boys in school. Casper must face his own past—the loss of his father and the fate of his abusive brother, who is locked away in the very hospital of horrors from which Brendan escaped. Letters from his brother force Casper to question his feelings— is Jason truly a monster or can he change?

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

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Dark, foreboding, and sexy—The Summer of My Discontent is the tale of gay teens seeking to find themselves, each other, and a better place.

Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys is the story of teenaged boys who want what we all want, to love and be loved. The boys from A Better Place are back. Shawn yearns for a boyfriend, but fears his father’s wrath if he discovers the truth. Dane, too, is seeking a soul mate and trying to leave his checkered past behind. He yearns for Billy, but if he approaches him will the result be happiness or disaster? Brendan has created a new life for himself and his boyfriend, Casper, but what happened in his old hometown haunts him and he realizes he must face his father if he is to ever be at peace. Nathan also has issues to resolve with the parents who gave him and his little brother up far too easily. Disastrous Dates & Dream Boys is a tale of fathers & sons, lovers & friends, and above all love and understanding.

Outfield Menace Outfield Menace is the tale of Kurt, a fifteen-year-old baseball player, living in a small, 1950s, Indiana town. During a confrontation with Angel, the resident bad boy of Blackford High School, Kurt attacks Angel, earning the wrath of the most dangerous gang in town. When Angel finally corners Kurt, however, something happens that Kurt wouldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. As the murder of a local boy is uncovered, suspicion is cast upon Angel, but Kurt has learned there’s more to Angel than his bad boy image. Angel has a secret, however, that could get both Kurt and himself killed. Outfield Menace is a story of friendship, love, adventure, and perilous danger.

Phantom World Toby Riester is sixteen, gay, and searching for his first boyfriend. He discovers many potential candidates—Orlando, a cute sixteen year old boy of Latin ancestry who works with Toby at the Phantom World amusement park—C.T., a blond, seventeen year old who is obviously gay—and Spike, a well-built sixteen year old from the internet. Each boy has his own seductive qualities and each is more than his seems. One of them, however, is far more dangerous than Toby ever guessed.

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order

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Orlando finds himself a girlfriend at Phantom World, but that’s only the beginning of his story. When he meets his girlfriend’s twin brother, Kerry, his world is turned upside down. Mackenzie Riester is the athletic younger brother of Toby. He has little respect for his queer big brother and joins with his new found friend, Billy, in playing an elaborate practical joke on Toby that becomes more perilous than he ever dreamed. Phantom World is the story of three very different boys—their triumphs, heartaches, and their search for love and acceptance.

Second Star To The Right Cedi, a eighteen-year-old British import to the town of Blackford, Indiana, is determined to be a rock star. No one quite knows what to make of the new wild boy in town with his blue hair and overpowering-enthusiasm—not the jocks he torments in revenge, nor his new friends Toby and Orlando. Cedi is certain of his future until his path crosses that of Thad, a tall, dark, older man who tells Cedi he has no talent. Cedi is infuriated, but intrigued. He becomes obsessed with Thad, who wants nothing to do with him. Cedi isn’t about to give up, however, and wedges his way into Thad’s life. Cedi finds himself caught between his love for Thad and his dream. Just when he has what he thinks he wants, his adventure truly begins … Other Books

The Vampires Heart Ever wonder what it would be like to be fifteen-years-old forever? Ever wonder how it would feel to find out your best friend is not what he seems? Graham Granger is intrigued by the new boy in school. Graham’s heart aches for a friend, and maybe a boyfriend, but is Josiah the answer to his dreams? Why is Bry Hartnett, the school hunk, taking an interest in Graham as well? When strange happenings begin to occur at Griswold Jr./Sr. High, Graham’s once boring life becomes more exciting than he can handle. Mystery, intrigue, and danger await Graham as he sets out on an adventure he never dreamed possible.