Conflict of Interest - 1
High Ball: Conflict of Interest Copyright © 2007 by J.M. Snyder All rights reserved. No part ...
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Conflict of Interest - 1
High Ball: Conflict of Interest Copyright © 2007 by J.M. Snyder All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78650. ISBN: 978-1-60370-349-9, 1-60370-349-7
Printed in the United States of America.
Torquere Press electronic edition / April 2008
Torquere Press eBooks are published by Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock,
TX 78650. www.torquerepress.com
Conflict of Interest - 2
Chapter 1 St. Catherine’s Youth Club. Bolted to a chain-link fence that hemmed in the corner lot, the battered metal sign was pocked from thrown stones and riddled with what might’ve been bullet holes. Tall weeds strangled the grass inside the fence and broke up asphalt that had once covered a large parking lot. As Alex Hitchner eased his car around the curb, he frowned past the fence at the squat, brick building hunched at the far end of the lot. A clothing warehouse back in the day, the building with its discolored façade and crumbling edgework now housed a live-in shelter for runaway teens. Near the double entrance doors, a group of boys played a heated game of keep-away on a makeshift basketball court. Glancing at the envelope in his passenger side seat, Alex checked the directions he’d received from Father Taylor one last time. Fourth and Main, they read. This must be the place. He avoided the empty spots near the building’s doors, unwilling to park too close to the kids and their dribbling basketball. As he got out, he slammed the car door behind him, then tugged on the handle to make sure it was locked. Hot stares burned into him, baleful eyes assessing him, his clothing, his car. Judging him. You’re here as a volunteer, Alex reminded himself. To help these boys. Nevertheless he avoided meeting those hungry eyes and he kept one hand on his wallet as he trotted up the few steps to the shelter. A small voice inside him prayed his hubcaps were still on his car when he came back. Inside the shelter, a few teenagers sat around the wide-screen TV in one corner, playing video games. A group of girls congregated by the large open windows, giggling over pictures in a teen magazine, and some older boys worked behind tables laden with soup and bread and food, set up for lunch. The place was filled with kids — older than Alex had imagined, to be sure, but none looked old enough to be in charge, and no one wore the Roman collar Alex had expected this Father Taylor to wear. For a moment he just stood in the doorway, looking like another one of the lost kids in off the streets for a hot meal and a place to sleep. Then a guy broke away from a game of table tennis, already smiling as he walked toward Alex. With his dark, spiked hair and trim goatee, he was definitely older than the rest of the kids, and as he approached, Alex noticed diamond studs in each ear. “Alex Hitchner?” the man asked, extending his hand. Alex shook it quickly. “Father Taylor?” he ventured, taking in the dingy t-shirt and baggy jeans. You’ve got to be kidding. But the man laughed. “Just call me Nate,” he said. “All the kids do. Or Father Nate if you insist on the title. I see you found us all right?” Alex nodded, more at ease with the thought of this man as Nate than Father. “Your letter said you had someone you wanted me to meet.” It had been weeks since Alex had signed up for the Outreach Youth program at St. Catherine’s. The whole thing started as his roommate’s idea, but Dave lost interest when he hadn’t gotten an immediate call back and to be honest, Alex hadn’t expected to hear anything Conflict of Interest - 3
either. Then he received Father Nate’s letter. His first thought was to throw it away, or call the shelter and say he was no longer interested. But the more he thought about the program, the more he talked himself into it. He had a few months before classes started again at the community college where he studied music, and his job at the radio station was flexible enough that he could afford to spend some time helping out the shelter. “It’s like a big brother program, right?” he asked as he followed Father Nate down a narrow hall. The walls were yellow cinder blocks painted with bright grass and a picket fence in the hopes of livening them up. “I’m not sure I understand what it’s all about.” “There’s not much to it, really,” the priest said with a shrug. At the end of the hall, he stopped and opened a door to reveal a tiny office overflowing with two chairs, a cluttered desk, and too many filing cabinets. Taking a seat behind the desk, he motioned Alex to sit down. “We take the survey you filled out and match you up with a youth we think you’ll have a lot in common with,” he explained. “In your case we picked someone roughly your own age. These kids need someone strong in their lives, Alex. Someone to show them that there’s a life beyond the streets. They come from broken homes — runaways mostly, but some have been tossed out by their parents. Most of them have been in gangs, into drugs and prostitution and things you and I don’t like to think about. Things we like to pretend don’t exist except on TV and in the movies.” From the papers on his desk, he extracted a thin folder and handed it to Alex. “His name is Jamie. It’s all in there — everything we know about him. Take a look. If you think it’ll be too much, just tell me and I’ll understand. You can leave without ever seeing him. But if you think it might be worth it to take the time and be a friend… well, he’s in a room down the hall, waiting.” “It’s that easy?” Alex opened the folder and found a picture of a sullen kid staring back at him, a shock of orange-red curls hugging the kid’s scalp tightly. A spray of freckles tanned his nose and cheeks, his mouth was curved into a full-lipped pout, and his eyes… Jesus. Alex caught his breath. He had never seen eyes as blue or as deep before, not in a photograph, not ever. There was no way he could close this folder and walk out now. Those eyes would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life. “He’s my age?” he asked softly. “Eighteen last March,” Father Nate replied. “Older than the others here, but I just can’t kick him out. Where would he go? You’re just out of high school yourself, right?” “Graduated two years ago,” Alex said. Almost reluctantly he turned the photograph over, trying to ignore those eyes, those curls, that stare. He started to read the survey Jamie had filled out in a thick, tiny block print. Owens, Jamie David. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Blonde. Sex: If you’re cute, why not? Alex suppressed a grin. “I’m twenty.” Father Nate smiled. “You’re in college, right?” When Alex nodded, he said, “That’s the kind of thing Jamie needs to see. Most days I can’t get him to show up at school. He’s not graduating this year, that’s for certain, and I don’t even think he really cares. He needs guidance. Someone to show him what he’s missing. Someone who’s been there before — someone he can look up to.” Someone like you, he implied, but he didn’t say the words out loud. Conflict of Interest - 4
Alex scanned the rest of the survey. Hobbies: Sex, music, sex, basketball, video games, clubbing. Did I mention sex? “He’s…” He searched for the word he wanted. “An average teenager, eh? Likes sex.” “Don’t let him scare you,” Father Nate replied. “He talks a good game, but it’s just a front. I think he’s lonely. He just needs a friend.” Or someone to fuck, Alex mused, but he kept the thought to himself. “I’ll meet him.” What did he have to lose? *** Father Nate led Alex down the hall. He stopped at another closed door, and through the thin wood Alex could hear the steady rhythm of a radio, cranked to a rap beat that shook the door in its frame. “He likes to be the center of attention,” Father Nate whispered as he opened the door. “So he keeps his music loud. Everything’s loud with him.” Inside, a long table took up most of the room. Two chairs flanked the table on either side, and a beat up boom box sat on the scratched tabletop. A bare window let the sun slant in across the table to wink off the radio’s chrome buttons. In one of the chairs Jamie lounged, wearing jeans tight enough to cut off his circulation and a baggy button-down shirt, his legs propped up insolently on the table. Beneath him the chair leaned back on two legs, and he slapped his knees in time with the music, bopping along to the rap under his breath. He didn’t look up as they entered. “Jamie?” Father Nate prompted. Jamie ignored him. Father Nate reached across the table and clicked off the radio, plunging the room into a sudden silence. “Hey!” Jamie cried. Now he looked up, anger clouding his face. He frowned when he noticed Alex. With a surly nod he asked, “You my new friend?” “This is Alex,” Father Nate explained. Alex wondered where his patience with this kid came from. It was obvious Jamie didn’t want to be here, in this room, with the two of them… Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. Maybe this was too much for Alex to handle. “He just wants to talk to you a bit,” Father Nate continued. “Just get to know you, is that so bad?” Under the weight of Jamie’s gaze, Alex cleared his throat. Those dark eyes were an impossible shade of blue — the photograph didn’t do them justice, and once Alex looked into them, he couldn’t seem to look away. He felt that gaze boring into him, deep into his soul; he felt as if this young man could see every part of him, could hear his innermost thoughts as if he shouted them out loud. He’s only eighteen, Alex thought. Two years younger than me. He’s not all that. Then Jamie smiled, those pouty lips curving into a sunshine grin that Alex couldn’t help but Conflict of Interest - 5
return. “I like you,” Jamie declared, and Father Nate laughed. “You can stay. Talk to me. What do you want to know?” Alex glanced at Father Nate, who motioned at the other chair in the room. “I’ll check on you guys in a little while,” he said as Alex sat down. With a wink he left the room, closing the door behind him and leaving the two of them alone. Alone. Alex stared at Jamie across the expanse of the table and wondered what he could possibly say to start things off. He was never good at introductions… what made him think he could do this Youth Outreach program anyway? Why did he think he’d be a good influence on someone’s life? Jamie watched him closely, and Alex wanted to say something witty to make this sullen guy smile at him, but he couldn’t think of anything at all. “So you’re Jamie,” he said, hoping that would start something. Jamie shrugged and moved his feet to the edge of the table, knees bending as he rocked back and forth in the chair. “You’re going to fall,” Alex warned him. With that barely there grin, Jamie set the chair down on the floor with a loud thump. His feet were still on the table, his legs spread apart obscenely, and Alex couldn’t help but stare at the slight bulge at Jamie’s crotch where his pants bit into his groin and accented his hidden… Don’t think it, Alex thought, swallowing hard against the sudden lust that dried his throat. He sees you looking and loves this attention so don’t think about him like that. He’s younger than you — By only two years. Whose idea was it to team him up with a kid so close to his own age? A guy like this, who radiated sex and knew just how to pose to turn Alex on? “I’m not going to fall,” Jamie said, grinning when Alex swallowed again. At least you made him smile, Alex thought, tearing his gaze from Jamie’s crotch. God, when was Nate coming back? He looked at those curls, those eyes, and thought maybe this would be harder than he first imagined.
Conflict of Interest - 6
Chapter 2 “What’s in there?” Jamie asked, nodding at the folder Alex set between them on the table. It was the folder Father Nate gave him, containing Jamie’s photograph and survey. Alex thought of the cramped print pressed onto the papers, Jamie’s block handwriting, and wondered if he was able to show it to him. Somehow he didn’t think so. Folding his hands, Alex shrugged and tried not to stare at Jamie’s crotch as he said, “Just a few papers, nothing much.” “Stuff about me?” Jamie wanted to know. When Alex shrugged again, he laughed. “Does it say what happened to the last friend I had?” Alex shook his head. At least they were talking. “No,” he said gently. “What happened?” That hint of a smile was back. “Her name was Marie,” he said, gauging Alex’s reaction. “Father Nate thought we’d get along great. That Youth Outreach crap of his. Only she killed herself.” Alex tried not to look surprised, but he knew from Jamie’s grin that he failed miserably. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “Really?” “I drove her to it,” Jamie said, a hint of pride in his voice. “Does it say that in there?” Alex picked at the corner of the folder. “No,” he admitted. He wondered why Nate hadn’t mentioned that little tidbit to him. A look at Jamie’s grin and he thought maybe that was a lie. He likes attention, isn’t that what Nate said? Maybe he’s just trying to see how I react. Jamie nodded. “She hates me. Hated, rather. She hated me.” “Why would someone hate you?” Alex asked. True, Jamie was a bit uncouth, a little loud, and quite obnoxious, but he was cute. Alex thought if he smiled more often, he’d be the center of attention without even trying. His smile was like pure gold, that rare, that beautiful. “You seem nice enough to me.” Jamie laughed as he leaned the chair back on two legs again. “You just met me. You don’t know me well enough to hate me yet.” “I couldn’t hate you,” Alex said before he could stop himself. Jamie spread his legs further apart and, as Alex watched, rubbed one long finger over the tight bulge in his jeans, pressing against the strained fabric. His nail trailed along the zipper, creating a tiny plinking sound that made beads of sweat break out along Alex’s brow. “Jamie —” “Does it say I like boys in there?” Jamie asked suddenly. Alex felt his cheeks heat up as he watched that hand cup the erection confined in Jamie’s jeans. He knew Jamie was watching him, but he couldn’t look away, he couldn’t stop staring — he knew how that felt, a hand on his body like that, squeezing gently, rubbing along Conflict of Interest - 7
swollen flesh, the tightness of pants when he had a hard-on, and the thought of Jamie’s hand doing that, the slight part of Jamie’s lips, the bold way he touched himself in front of Alex, watching what it did to him… Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat and hoped his shirt would be long enough to cover his own budding erection when he finally stood up. “Does it say I like blonde boys?” Jamie wanted to know, his voice so damnably soft. “Preppy boys? Like you?” “No,” Alex whispered, picking at the corner of the folder again. Nate, are you coming back sometime today? He forced himself to turn away from Jamie and stare at the radio because it was safe, there was nothing sexual about it at all; it was just a boom box… And you can see his reflection in the chrome facing. You had to meet this guy. You had to look at his picture and see his eyes and you couldn’t just walk away. Trying to lighten the mood, he laughed. “It does says you like sex.” “Are you asking?” Jamie asked. He pressed his hand against the button on his jeans and moaned softly, a sound that made Alex’s hands clench. “Because if you’re looking for some action —” “No.” His mind whirled out, trying to remember what he had read about Jamie. “You like music?” At the edge of his vision he saw Jamie’s hand make its way up the front of his shirt, fingers picking at the buttons, causing the fabric to gap open and reveal dusky skin underneath. “Yeah,” Jamie said, shrugging as he popped one button open playfully. The sudden glimpse of skin caused Alex’s fingers to tremble with want. “Music’s cool. You like music, too?” He popped open another button, revealing more of his smooth, muscled chest. Not trusting himself to speak, Alex nodded. Somehow he thought they had different tastes — he didn’t think the country he listened to in the car on the way over here would suit Jamie well. But still, it was some common ground at least. That and the fact that we both like guys, he thought, but he wasn’t going to tell Jamie that. “I work at Y95 downtown,” he offered, watching as Jamie’s hand slipped into his shirt to tweak a pink nipple. Jamie grinned. “Really? You one of the shock jocks on in the morning?” When Alex shook his head, Jamie added, “Maybe one day you can take me there, show me around. What do you say?” I’d like to take you home, Alex thought, but he crushed that thought before it went much farther. Shit, this isn’t going to work out. I’m trying to be nice here, and all he’s trying to do is turn me on. He knows he’s doing it. I don’t need this. I don’t need to want him like this, not when I’m here to help him, not when I can’t have him. He’s not even my type, comes from a completely different world, someplace I don’t need to be. I should just tell him I’ll see him later and never come back again. When he looked into Jamie’s eyes, he knew he could never forget the kid that easily. So he smiled sadly and shrugged. “Sure,” he said, hoping his voice sounded as nonchalant as he thought it did. “Why not? One day.” *** Conflict of Interest - 8
When Father Nate came back an hour later, Alex thought the room had shrunk until it was only the two of them, himself and Jamie. The fading sun through the windows was hot, too hot, heating up the room until Alex felt he needed a cold shower just to cool down. It’s him, he thought, smiling up at Father Nate as Jamie watched them closely. It’s Jamie, he made me this bothered, he was trying to and damn, he did a good job of it. “You boys are still alive,” Father Nate said, smiling at Jamie. “You get along okay?” “Fine.” As Alex stood, he noticed Jamie’s stare aimed at his groin, and hoped his feelings weren’t obvious. Casually he tugged at his shirt, but not before Jamie raised those endless eyes to his and smirked. Fuck. “Nice meeting you.” “Aww,” Jamie pouted, suddenly looking much younger than eighteen. “Do you have to go? Just when things were heating up between us.” He punctuated that with an audacious wink. If Father Nate caught that, he didn’t acknowledge it. Instead he waited for Alex to reply… what else was there to say? “I’ll come back later,” Alex tried. “You live with your parents?” Jamie wanted to know. “My mom hates me. Says I’m a bad influence on Robbie.” He laughed at that. “Me, bad. Can you imagine?” All too well. Keeping that thought to himself, Alex shook his head. “I’ve got an apartment downtown.” Jamie set the chair down on the ground and stood up. “Can I see it?” “Maybe later,” Father Nate said, placing a hand on Alex’s shoulder. Jamie pouted and sat back down, glaring at them. “Next time, Jamie. You guys just met.” “So?” Jamie sulked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Any place is better than here.” With a sigh, Father Nate prompted, “Say goodbye.” Because Alex didn’t know who that was directed to, he said, “Goodbye, Jamie.” Jamie didn’t reply. He glared at a spot somewhere in the middle of Alex’s chest and refused to look at either of them. Father Nate sighed again as he led Alex from the room. Closing the door behind him gently, he asked, “So how’d it go?” Alex shrugged. “Okay.” He didn’t want to say anything about Jamie’s blatant flirting, but there was something in the way the priest waited that suggested maybe he expected to hear it. “He’s… personable.” Father Nate laughed. “You mean he hit on you.” Alex nodded as they started down the hall. “I hear the other kids talk, Alex. I know Jamie spends too much time in gay clubs, looking for a good time with whoever he can corner in the bathroom. I know he thinks sex is the end all, be all in a relationship, and that scares me. In this day and age, you know?” He waited until Alex nodded again before continuing. “That’s why I picked you. I checked your references, true, but mostly I asked the kids here what they knew of you. As long as Conflict of Interest - 9
they’d never heard of you, I figured you weren’t into the drugs and clubs and all that crazy mess. Jamie needs to see that he doesn’t have to whore himself to get somewhere in life.” “Yeah,” Alex said quietly. Somehow he thought that Father Nate knew more about him than he let on. Maybe he wants Jamie to see that a gay lifestyle isn’t necessarily fucking a lot of guys, he mused, following the priest back through the shelter. Maybe he thinks I can show him how to get through life without the parties or the sex or the drugs. But shit, just looking at that guy makes me hard. How can I show him he doesn’t need sex when thinking about him makes me wish I was one of those guys he picks up at the clubs? At the front door of the shelter he stopped, remembering something. “Jamie said there was someone else before me,” he prodded. “Another friend? From the program?” Father Nate laughed. “Marie,” he said. Alex nodded. “They didn’t get along too well. He was too much for her.” In a softer voice, he added, “He’s too much for a lot of people.” “He said she died.” Killed herself, actually, but Alex wasn’t going to say that out loud. Father Nate frowned and shook his head. “No, she’s not dead. She’s working with another youth now, a girl Jamie’s age, and they get along great. She was just in here today, actually.” He sighed, a sorrowful sound. “Jamie likes to say things just to get a reaction. I’m sorry if you thought —” “No, it’s okay,” Alex said quickly. “I thought he might be lying.” Opening the door, Father Nate stood aside as Alex stepped out into the late afternoon. “Don’t think bad of him. He’s had a rough life. He just needs someone…” So you keep saying, Alex mused, but he nodded at the priest and took one last look at the large building, the kids still on the basketball court, the tall fence caging it all in, before he turned and walked to his car. He needs someone, but why me? As he slid behind the wheel of his car and started the engine, a small voice inside his mind whispered back, Why not you? He didn’t have an answer for that.
Conflict of Interest - 10
Chapter 3 The next morning Alex woke to find his sheets twisted around his legs, his body sheathed in sweat. Half-remembered dreams clouded his mind, tangled memories of red curls, deep eyes, full, pouting lips. He could still sense Jamie above him, the powerful muscles in his arms standing out like cords, cheeks flushed, that hint of a smile back on his face. Even as he shook himself awake, Alex felt himself drowning in those lapis eyes, falling and moving against Jamie, holding his breath as they clung desperately to each other. Jesus, Alex thought, running an unsteady hand through his hair. He’s inside me. When Alex kicked free of the covers, he felt the wetness at his crotch and grimaced as he stood. His boxers clung to him, damp, clammy. Fuck. When was the last time he had a wet dream? I mean, really. Quickly he stepped out of the soiled boxers. Naked, he balled them into a tight wad that he threw on the bed. Next he stripped off the sheets, rolling them into a thick bundle that he dropped at the door to his room. That’s it, he swore silently. No more. I don’t need this shit. He met the guy less than twenty-four hours ago, yet those dark eyes had haunted his thoughts all evening, those barbed comments snagging into his mind as he made dinner. It was Jamie he saw when he stared at the TV screen, Jamie who looked back at him from the mirror, Jamie who was there when he closed his eyes to sleep. Trudging to the bathroom, Alex turned the shower on full blast and stepped beneath the hot stream of water. Head down, he let the water beat against his hair and back, hoping it would wash away the memories of the young man at St. Catherine’s. It didn’t work. He’s in my dreams, Alex thought, rubbing shampoo through his thick hair. I should’ve just closed the folder and left without ever meeting him. I should never go back. Just thinking of that kid made his groin ache with a heaviness he tried to ignore. How could he face Jamie again? What could he say or do that wouldn’t lead somewhere he didn’t want to go? Don’t you? a voice inside him whispered. Alex ignored it. After he washed the soap from his body, he turned off the hot water and stood beneath the icy spray until his cheeks cooled and his erection melted away. Stepping from the shower, he toweled off with rough strokes that he refused to let linger anywhere in particular. The towel was harsh against his skin. Without looking in the mirror he tugged on a pair of tight briefs. When the fabric pressed into him sweetly, he thought of Jamie again. “Stop it,” he breathed. His body refused to listen, and his mind wouldn’t stop remembering those reddish curls, the curve of those full lips, the hint of smooth skin that flashed when Jamie had unbuttoned his shirt. Pulling on his jeans, Alex grabbed the dirty bedding and trotted down the stairs into the kitchen. “Dave?” he called out. Conflict of Interest - 11
No one answered. Thank God. The last thing he needed was to face his roommate with a fist full of come-stained sheets. Even alone, the bundle in his hand embarrassed him; angrily he shoved the bedding into the washing machine. With a violent twist of the knob he turned the machine on, pouring a liberal dose of detergent onto the blankets. It disgusted him he had even thought of Jamie like that, that his body betrayed him while he slept, getting hard and coming when he wasn’t even aware of it. He hated that he dreamed of Jamie, dreamed of having sex with him, because even if the kid was hot, even if he talked a good game and knew how to whore himself like Father Nate said he did, Alex wasn’t like that. Alex didn’t like guys like that, who were only interested in sex and not much else. He didn’t need someone that shallow at all. You can teach him different. He shoved the thought aside as he slammed the lid to the washer shut. Opening the refrigerator, he grabbed the carton of milk and listened to the washer kick on as he poured himself a glass. Fuck that. I don’t need to teach him shit. I don’t even need to see him again. And I sure as hell don’t need to think about him anymore. Alex gulped down the milk quickly. Behind him the kitchen door opened and Dave stepped into the apartment, the morning newspaper in one hand and a steaming cup of 7-11 coffee in the other. By way of hello, he asked, “You doing laundry this early?” Alex shrugged and poured another cup of milk so his roommate wouldn’t see the blush creep into his face. Tossing the paper on the kitchen table, Dave muttered, “Damn, man, you should’ve told me. I have some things I could’ve thrown in —” “Just one load,” Alex muttered. He wasn’t going to say it was his bed sheets, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to mention that he was washing the come out of them. “What are you up to today?” Plopping into one of the chairs at the table, Dave sipped at his hot coffee as he opened the paper. “Job hunting, what else?” He’d been looking for a new job since Alex met him — Dave spent too many nights during the week partying and he hated to drag himself to work the next morning. Sort of like Jamie, Alex thought, but he chased that away with another swig of milk. He wasn’t thinking about that kid anymore, remember? Glancing at Alex, Dave wanted to know, “How’d it go yesterday?” Alex shrugged. “Okay.” He didn’t want to talk about it, least of all with Dave, who couldn’t quite grasp the concept of his best friend being gay. He still asked how Alex’s last boyfriend was doing, even though they’d broken up a year earlier. Dave insisted that they’d just been friends, and he couldn’t seem to understand that Joel wasn’t coming around anymore because Alex had dumped his cheating ass. What would Dave possibly think if Alex told him about Jamie? Who you aren’t seeing again, he reminded himself, finishing off the milk, so why worry about it at all? Conflict of Interest - 12
But Dave was thick when it came to picking up on what Alex didn’t say, and he didn’t realize Alex wasn’t interested in talking about the Youth Outreach program at all. “You get a kid to mentor or something?” he prodded. “How’s that work?” “Or something,” Alex muttered.
“Boy?” Dave wanted to know. “Girl?”
“A boy.” Alex rinsed out the milk carton and hoped Dave wouldn’t ask any more questions.
But his roommate simply talked over the sound of the running water. “How old is he?
What’s his name?”
“Jamie.” As he folded the milk carton up and threw it into the trash can, Alex added, “He’s
eighteen.”
Dave whistled. “Damn. That ain’t a kid. That’s your age.”
“I know,” Alex agreed. “Look, I don’t really want to talk about this right now, okay?”
“Why not?” Dave looked up from the paper. “You guys get along okay?”
“I don’t know. I guess.”
Alex didn’t want to tell him how well they’d gotten on — he’d never get the whole crotch
rubbing and shirt unbuttoning scene, even if Alex explained it to him.
But Dave wouldn’t let up. “You going back again today?”
“I don’t know,” Alex said again. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say no.
Before Dave could ask anything else, the phone rang. Alex lunged for it, relieved. Please, he
prayed. Be my mom, be the president, be anybody, just as long as Dave shuts up about that damn program for two minutes. Snagging the receiver, he asked, “Hello?”
“Alex!” The voice on the line was overly cheerful, too bright this early in the morning, and
unfortunately all too familiar. Father Nate. Fuck. “Good morning!”
Alex groaned. “I was just going to call you,” he muttered. Silently he added, To tell you to find someone else for Jamie. Let him tell the next friend that he drove two people to their deaths. The priest laughed, the sound rich through the phone. “Jamie wanted me to call and see how you’re doing. He hasn’t stopped talking about you since you left.” Alex caught his breath at the way his heart fluttered to think of Jamie talking about him, him. “What?” he asked, incredulous. He could almost hear Father Nate’s shrug. “I don’t know what you did yesterday, but you Conflict of Interest - 13
made quite an impression on him.” “How?” Alex heard himself say, his voice distant. He couldn’t imagine Jamie thought much about him at all — he hadn’t even said goodbye. Apparently he was wrong. “Ask him yourself.” “No, wait —” Too late. Alex heard the phone switch hands, then heard someone breathe into the receiver. Then, a little breathless, Jamie whispered, “Hey.” Just the sound of his breath was enough to pique Alex’s libido; when he spoke, a sudden heaviness filled Alex’s groin, hardening him. Fuck. Turning his back to his roommate so Dave wouldn’t notice the growing bulge at his crotch, Alex shoved one hand into the pocket of his jeans and pressed against the start of an erection. A sweet ache blossomed through him, and he had to close his eyes to tamp it down. Before Alex could speak, Jamie raised his voice. “Can I get some privacy here? Jesus Christ.” “Watch it,” Father Nate warned in the background. Alex heard a door close somewhere far away. “Thank you,” Jamie muttered. Then, turning his attention back to the phone, he sighed, “Hey, Alex.” “Hey, Jamie.” Alex didn’t know what to say, but he could see Jamie perfectly in his mind — leaning back in Nate’s chair, feet propped up on the cluttered desk, hand straying to his waist… don’t think that. But he’d already seen Jamie’s hand there, he didn’t have to imagine it, he knew what it looked like, the way it made Jamie’s lips part slightly, the faint moan that would escape his throat, the hooded expression in his eyes. Whatever resolve Alex thought he had crumbled beneath that image. He tried to swallow past the sudden dryness in his throat. “What’s up?” “I thought of you last night,” Jamie purred, his voice low and husky. “Guess which hand I used.” Alex closed his eyes. He didn’t need this. “Jamie,” he warned. That earned him a laugh. “Are you coming by today? I want to see you again.” Taking a deep breath, Alex admitted, “I don’t know. I’ve got some things I have to do —” “Like what?” Jamie asked. Alex shrugged again. “I’m doing laundry right now.” Washing wet dreams from his sheets, now wouldn’t that make Jamie’s day? “I’ve got a few errands to run, some grocery shopping to do, nothing much.”
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Alex could hear the pout in Jamie’s voice when he said, “I hoped you’d come by to see me. I don’t mean anything by that, either. I just wanted to see you again, that’s all.” For a moment Alex considered telling Jamie he wasn’t coming back. He didn’t need the desire and lust and want tearing at him — Jamie could find someone else to play his games. But there was something innocent in the way Jamie admitted he wanted to see him again, something that made Alex wonder if maybe this was the real guy he was talking to now, not the punk with the attitude problem or the teen with the sex fixation, but the real Jamie Owens. And he sounded so lost, so alone, so needy, that Alex didn’t have the heart to let him down. So he sighed and whispered, “I’ll be there a little after noon, okay?” Jamie whooped loudly in his ear, bringing a smile to Alex’s face. Maybe he’s not such a bad kid after all. He’d just have to deal with the way Jamie made him feel — he’d wanted guys he couldn’t have before, hadn’t he? He just hoped he could look Jamie in the eye and not think of the sweaty dreams that had haunted his night.
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Chapter 4 When Alex arrived at St. Catherine’s, Jamie was at the basketball court with a few other boys, shooting hoops. Hands in his pockets, he strolled into the yard and leaned back against the fence, watching Jamie play. The kid wore tight jeans again, black, battered Converse high tops, and a tank top that stretched across the muscles in his chest and showed off his ropy arms. The shirt was torn along the front, and the glimpse of his stomach rippling when he moved kept Alex riveted in place. Freckled skin peeked from the torn fabric like a promise. He’s beautiful, Alex thought. He deserves so much more than this place, this life. They all did. Jamie had a natural rhythm that made Alex envious, a dancer’s grace that shone through whenever he had the ball and dribbled across the court, weaving around the other boys as they tried to stop him. He laughed when he made the shot, the ball sailing effortlessly through the basket for a three pointer that brought that sunny smile to his face. “Owens scores!” he cried, raising his arms in triumph, and Alex found himself laughing at the kid. He’s not so bad — “You’re back.” Alex turned to find Father Nate walking toward him, smiling easily. “I must admit I had my doubts.” Alex grinned at that. “So did I,” he admitted, turning back to the game. Jamie had the ball again and he made sure Alex was looking when he tried for an impossible shot. Alex held his breath as the ball flew through the air, bounced off the rim, and sank into the hoop. “He’s good,” he said, almost forgetting to breathe again when Jamie winked at him. “Very good,” the priest agreed. “If only he took school as seriously as he does his balls.” Alex looked at Father Nate, surprised, but laughed when he saw the smile on the priest’s face. “I’m glad you came back.” “Me, too.” Had Alex honestly believed he could forget Jamie so easily? That smile, those eyes, those curls? Alex turned back to the game in time to see Jamie throw the basketball at another kid his own age. The ball struck the other kid in the chest and bounced away as Jamie closed the distance between them. “Take that back,” he commanded, anger twisting his face. When the other kid didn’t reply, Jamie grabbed his arms and shook him roughly. Father Nate was already starting across the court, Alex right behind him. “Say it to my face, Mike. Say it again.” “Leave me alone,” Mike growled, shrugging out of Jamie’s grip. “You heard what I said.” Father Nate stepped between them. “What’s —” Suddenly Jamie ducked around the priest and punched Mike hard, his fist connecting with the other kid’s nose. Blood poured from one nostril as Mike grabbed a handful of Jamie’s curls, tugging on them hard enough to bring tears to Jamie’s eyes. “You fucker!” Jamie swore, pummeling Mike’s chest with his fists until Mike’s hands fell away, tufts of reddish gold hair Conflict of Interest - 16
still in his fingers. Jamie struck him again, hard, knocking the guy down to the ground, but before he could hit Mike a second time, Alex pulled him back. “Jamie!” He tried to ignore the fact that his hands were on Jamie’s stomach, slipping under the torn shirt to catch on sweaty flesh, hot skin, firm muscles that bunched beneath his fingers. Jamie heaved in his grip, breathless from the fight, shaking. This wasn’t turning him on; Alex refused to believe it was turning him on. He pulled Jamie back as Father Nate helped the other kid to his feet. “Just stop it right now,” Alex pleaded. “You’re dead,” Jamie promised, pointing at Mike. The other kid held both hands to his nose, bright blood pouring through his fingers, and when Jamie lunged at him, he cowered back. “You’re so fucking dead, do you hear me?” Alex held onto Jamie tightly. “Take him inside,” Father Nate snapped as he tugged Mike’s hands away from his nose to assess the damage. “I ain’t going inside,” Jamie growled, shrugging off Alex’s hands as he stalked away. “Fuck this place. Fuck all of you.” Helplessly, Alex stood on the court, watching Jamie walk to the edge of the fence, where he stopped to kick at a few stones. “God,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead. What a way to start their second day together… fuck all of you. How do you respond to that? Father Nate dabbed Mike’s nose with the hem of the kid’s T-shirt. “Go after him,” he whispered, nodding at Jamie. “Take him for a ride or something. Just get him away from here for a little while, let him calm down. Please?” Alex sighed as Jamie crossed his arms and threw himself back against the fence, a sullen pout on his lips. “You sure?” The thought of driving around town with Jamie in his car, so close and with nothing between them, no one else around… Alex swallowed against the thought. “I mean —” “Please?” Father Nate asked again. Alex nodded. He didn’t have to be told twice. Crossing the court, he dug his keys from his pocket and shook out the car key. Jamie watched him carefully, looking from the keys in his hand to his face and back again, frown deepening. He thinks I’m leaving. As he stopped in front of the kid, he smiled, but Jamie’s wary expression didn’t change. Daring to take Jamie’s arm, Alex murmured, “Come on.” This time Jamie didn’t shrug his hand away. “Where are we going?” he wanted to know, but he let Alex lead him to his car. “Just for a ride.” Alex unlocked the passenger side door and held it open for Jamie. “You need to cool off a bit.” Jamie slid into the seat. “Can I drive?” Conflict of Interest - 17
Alex laughed. “Maybe next time.” Slamming the door shut, he hurried around the car and unlocked the driver’s side door. As he eased into the seat, he glanced over at Jamie only to find the kid staring out the window at the basketball court, anger still radiating from him in waves. Starting the car, Alex asked softly, “What was that all about?” Jamie shrugged. “Nothing.” “Somehow I doubt that.” Alex turned the radio down and leaned back in the driver’s seat as he pulled away from the curb into the flow of traffic. He wasn’t sure where they were going — maybe they’d just drive around until Jamie was in a better mood, stop someplace for lunch, let the whole scene back in the yard blow over. “You can tell me. We’re friends, right?” From the corner of his eye, he saw Jamie shrug again. “Aren’t we?” With a lusty sigh, Jamie admitted, “He called me a faggot, okay? Asshole.” Alex knew that wasn’t directed at him. Gently he said, “And so you hit him.” Jamie nodded. “You think you can change his mind if you hit him? It doesn’t take the words back.” “I can’t just let him get away with shit like that.” Jamie faced the window and didn’t look at Alex. “He calls me a fag and I don’t do anything, they’ll all start in, you know? I can’t let it slide.” “You can’t fight everyone,” Alex pointed out. With a short laugh Jamie asked, “What the fuck do you know about it? When’s the last time someone called you a fag?” When Alex didn’t reply immediately, Jamie laughed again. “That’s what I thought. You don’t get it. You don’t have to deal with shit like this and you’re going to tell me what to do? Fuck that.” Around them the traffic grew heavy, the city bus in front of their car forcing Alex to drive with one foot on the brake. He slowed down as the bus turned off, and then hit the brakes before he could run a red light. Relaxing his grip on the steering wheel, he looked over at Jamie and found his gaze wandering to the hard, flat muscles in the guy’s stomach, exposed through the torn shirt. Alex remembered the way they felt beneath his palms when he pulled Jamie back from the fight. “Last week,” he whispered. Finally Jamie turned to him, confusion written across his young face. “I was at my parents’ house,” Alex explained, “and my dad asked my mom why he had a faggot for a son. He didn’t know I overheard him, but I did.” See? he wanted to add. I know how it feels. “What did your mom say?” Jamie wanted to know. The light turned green and Alex eased off the brake, trying to forget the way his father’s words had haunted him throughout the week. He’d remember them at odd times — when he was washing dishes, or buying a sandwich for lunch, or listening to music in his booth at the station. He’d hear them again as if his father was in the same room and speaking them, asking him why he was a faggot, why he liked guys and why he was his son, why it had to be him. And they stung like a thorn, twisting into him until he sighed and pinched his nose sharply to keep the tears from falling, because he didn’t want to admit just how much it hurt. Conflict of Interest - 18
You’re not the only one, Jamie, he thought, forcing a tight smile at Jamie. You’re not alone; you’re not. “She said ‘not when he’s in the house,’” he replied. “Not ‘don’t say that.’ Not ‘he’s not a faggot; he’s your son.’ Just ‘not when he’s here.’ Like they’d talk about it once I left.” For a while they drove in silence, Alex watching Jamie from the corner of one eye, Jamie picking at the torn edges of his shirt. Finally Jamie reached over and placed a hand on Alex’s knee, warm through the thin knit of Alex’s pants. Alex smiled at him, but when the hand moved up slightly, Jamie’s fingers curving along Alex’s inner thigh, Alex brushed it away. “I didn’t tell you that so you can hit on me,” he said, ignoring Jamie’s clouded brow and faint pout. “I’m not one of those guys you pick up in the clubs. I want to be your friend, and I just want you to know you’re not alone, Jamie. That’s it.” “I dreamed about you last night,” Jamie whispered. Alex looked over at him sharply. Don’t even tell me, he wanted to say, but suddenly he couldn’t form the words, and he stared at Jamie’s arms, remembering the strength in them from his own dreams. “They weren’t bad dreams,” Jamie said quickly, trailing his hand down the parking brake. Alex thought of that hand trailing down his length like that, those fingers curling around his hardness… who was the one thinking of sex here? He shook his head to clear the thoughts from his mind. “We were just talking, that was it. Just talking.” “What did we talk about?” Alex wanted to know. Jamie shrugged. “I don’t remember. But when I woke up I thought maybe you dreamed of me, too. Did you?” I’m not telling you my dreams, Alex thought. But the earnest look on Jamie’s face, the light shining in those deep eyes… he didn’t want to crush that. “Maybe,” he whispered. “I don’t remember my dreams much.” Jamie dropped his gaze, crestfallen, and Alex added, “But you were on my mind when I woke up, if that means anything.” Jamie grinned. “It does.”
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Chapter 5 By two o’clock they’d been driving for awhile, but Jamie was finally starting to let go of his anger. He flipped through the radio stations in search of something other than commercials or DJ talk, turning the volume up when he found a song he liked only to have Alex turn it back down again. He tried to dance along with the songs while sitting in his seat, and at stop lights the car shook with his movements. With a slight smile on his face, Alex watched from the corner of his eye and wondered what it felt to have someone like that beneath him in bed, those hips moving against him, those strong legs curled around his thighs. Stop it, he admonished himself, turning back to the traffic before Jamie could see his thoughts written on his face. You’re evil, thinking things like that. You told him yourself that you aren’t one of his boys from the clubs, so stop thinking about fucking him. In an effort to get his mind out of the gutter, he asked, “Are you hungry?” Jamie shrugged. “I ain’t got no money.” “I didn’t ask you that,” Alex said softly. “I asked if you were hungry.” “I don’t need your charity,” Jamie replied, a little miffed. He sat back and put his feet up on the dashboard; for the first time Alex noticed he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. “I’m fine.” Alex sighed. “It’s not charity. I want to buy you lunch. Can’t I do that?” Jamie shrugged again. “Like a date?” “As a friend,” Alex corrected. “It’s not a date —” “A lunch date,” Jamie said, nodding. “Friends go Dutch. You’re paying, so it’s a date.” “It’s not —” Alex started, but Jamie turned the radio up loud, drowning out his protest. Fine, Alex thought wearily. A lunch date. But it’s not a real date because I’m not kissing you goodbye when it’s over… The thought made his stomach flutter nervously. You’re just hungry, he told himself, but it wasn’t that — it was the image of Jamie, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, breath soft against Alex’s cheek as he covered that kissable mouth with his own. You’re definitely hungry, just not for food. Turning down the radio to a reasonable level, Alex asked, “What do you feel like eating?” Jamie gave him a wicked grin — so he wasn’t the only one with his mind in the gutter. Jesus. “For lunch. Food. I’m talking about food here, Jamie.” With a sigh, Jamie said, “I don’t know. I don’t eat out much. What about burgers?” When Alex pulled into the parking lot of a downtown deli, Jamie jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop and stretched languidly, like an animal just released from a cage. As he climbed out of the car, Alex noticed a few people nearby glaring at Jamie’s torn shirt. It may have fit in back at the shelter, but here it made Jamie look like a punk. Opening the trunk, Alex pulled out a heavy flannel shirt his roommate had left in there. “Here,” he Conflict of Interest - 20
said, holding the shirt out to Jamie. “Put this on.” Jamie frowned. “I don’t want to.” “Jamie,” Alex warned. In his mind he could already see the scene Jamie would make when they entered the deli, only to be turned away because of Jamie’s raggedy tank top. But Jamie shook his head. “It’s too hot for that. I’m not wearing it.” To prove his point, he crossed his arms and leaned against the car. “What’s wrong with my shirt?” “It’s torn,” Alex pointed out, as if Jamie didn’t know. “You look like a bum.” “I like the way I look,” Jamie glared at an older woman who edged by them on her way into the deli. “What’s your problem, bitch?” The woman turned away quickly and kept walking. “Jamie, stop it,” Alex hissed. “You can’t go in there wearing that shirt. They won’t serve you.” “Well, I’m not wearing that,” he said, nodding at the flannel shirt in Alex’s hand. “Let’s just go to McDonald’s or something, okay? A drive-thru somewhere, eat in the car.” With a wink he added, “I’m a cheap date. I don’t mind fast food.” Try to do something nice, Alex thought with a sigh, tossing the shirt back into the trunk. He dug through blankets and empty plastic grocery bags until he found an old T-shirt of his. The cotton was faded and worn, but in one piece at least, and he held it out to Jamie. “How about this?” After a long moment, Jamie took the shirt. “This yours?” he asked, holding it up. It was short sleeved and thin — Alex waited to hear his excuse for not wanting to put it on. “Yeah,” Alex said as he watched Jamie study the shirt. “It’s been in the trunk for a while, but it’s clean. Are you going to wear it or not?” “I’ll wear it,” Jamie said. Before Alex could say anything else he stripped off his tank top, pulling the torn fabric up over his head. Alex found himself staring at the muscles along Jamie’s chest, the golden skin so heavily freckled that he looked perpetually tanned. Alex shoved his hands deep into his pockets to keep from reaching out and touching Jamie — he could imagine what those hard nipples would feel like beneath his fingers, the way the thick, gold chain that hung around Jamie’s neck would look pooled into the hollow of his throat, the way the ridge of Jamie’s collarbone would feel between his teeth. God… Then Jamie pulled on the T-shirt, hiding the freckled muscles from view, and Alex managed to look away. “It’s kind of snug,” Jamie said, flexing his arms. Alex heard the tiny sound of a seam rip, and Jamie laughed. “I like it.” “You would,” Alex muttered. He pointed into the trunk and Jamie tossed his tank top inside before Alex slammed it shut. “You look much better.”
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“Do you think so?” Jamie asked. When Alex nodded, Jamie unzipped his jeans. “Jamie!” Alex cried, glancing around to make sure no one was watching. “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry,” he said with a wink, stuffing the T-shirt into the waistband of his jeans. “I ain’t taking it all off. Much as you’d like to see it, I’m sure.” “Jamie…” Alex closed his eyes as Jamie’s hand smoothed the shirt down flat over the bulge that poked through the open zipper, but not before catching a glimpse of light red hair that trailed into his briefs as if pointing the way. Why couldn’t this be easy? “Jesus.” He heard Jamie take a step closer, and then he felt hot breath along his neck as Jamie moaned softly into his ear, the sound accompanied by the quiet hiss of the zipper. Alex could feel the press of metal against that budding erection as Jamie zipped up his jeans, and in his pockets his hands clenched into fists, nails eating into his palms because he wasn’t going to touch him, he wasn’t going to let Jamie get under his skin. Too late, his mind whispered as Jamie sighed, and Alex could smell the sharp scent of his sweat when he drew in a shaky breath. “You can look now,” Jamie breathed. “I’m decent.” Alex opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Opening his eyes, he cleared his throat and focused on the deli behind Jamie. He wouldn’t look at him, he wouldn’t. When he spoke, his voice cracked. “Come on.” Not waiting for an answer, Alex brushed past Jamie and headed for the deli. He didn’t look back, didn’t stop to see if the kid was coming or not. He told himself at this point he didn’t care. But Jamie was right behind him, grinning when Alex held the door open, and he stepped into the deli with a swish of his hips that pulled the tight jeans even tighter across his thighs. Heaven help me, Alex thought as he followed Jamie inside. *** They sat at a booth near the window, and Alex watched Jamie devour his burger. Not hungry, eh? he thought, smiling at Jamie’s appetite. Hoping to start a conversation, Alex said, “You play a good game of ball.” Jamie shrugged and took another bite of his burger. Between them sat a plate of French fries they shared, and Alex picked up two fries smothered in nacho cheese. Popping them into his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully as he studied Jamie, but the guy was too busy eating to pay him any attention. “Maybe good enough for a scholarship,” Alex prompted. Jamie shook his head. “I ain’t that good,” he said through a mouthful of food. “I’m too short. You gotta be a hell of a lot taller if you wanna play ball.” “Have you considered it, though?” Alex wanted to know. Hadn’t Father Nate said he couldn’t get Jamie to go to school? Maybe if there was something he liked doing, something like basketball, to motivate him to attend class…
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Jamie shrugged again, a defeated gesture that made Alex want to stop the world to see him smile again. “I have this dream,” he started, and then he looked up at Alex sharply. “You’re not going to laugh?” Alex shook his head. Jamie picked at the French fries and continued in a quiet voice. “I have this dream where I play ball and I’m the best player on the team. Everyone shouts my name. Owens! Every time I score. The crowd goes wild.” He made a soft cheering sound that brought a smile to Alex’s lips, but he kept his gaze on the fries as he twirled one through the melted cheese. His voice was wistful and sad. “I’m so good, I get my pick of schools. Anywhere I want to go. Anywhere at all.” “Where do you go?” Alex asked gently. “In the dream.” Jamie sighed. “Somewhere far away from here,” he admitted. “Full scholarship because of my game, and once I get there everyone knows who I am. Big man on campus and all that shit.” Alex watched Jamie’s hand as he used the fries to smooth out the cheese on the plate. “And then what happens?” “Then a scout sees one of my games,” Jamie said, his voice still dreamy and far away, as if he could see the game play out in his mind, could turn and look into the crowd and see the talent scout watching him as he made another impossible shot. “And I get an offer to play professionally. Even though I’m short. They like my game so much, they’ll pay me millions to be on their team.” Alex grinned. “That’s a nice dream. Maybe one day —” “It ain’t gonna happen,” Jamie said, cutting Alex off. His voice was bitter as he tossed the French fry away angrily. “It’s just a stupid dream.” “Jamie,” Alex began, frowning at his friend’s sudden pout. “It’s not stupid. You just need to make it happen. Are you on the basketball team at school?” “I don’t go to school,” Jamie replied, biting into his burger viciously. He glared at Alex, daring him to respond to that. “Why not?” Alex wanted to know. “How else are you going to get a scholarship if you don’t play ball in school now?” Jamie turned away and stared out the window at the street. “I’m not going to college,” he said. “It’s expensive and I ain’t got money for lunch, you think I’m going to pay to have some asshole tell me shit I don’t need to know? I hate school. There’s too much other stuff I can be doing.” In a softer voice, he admitted, “Besides, I got kicked off the team. They said it was my grades, but they hate me, I know they do. Everyone does.” Alex sighed and reached across the table, daring to touch Jamie’s arm. He rubbed his fingers along the downy hair on the Jamie’s soft skin and watched as Jamie looked down at his hand, a slight frown on his face. “Well,” he said gently, “I don’t hate you. So don’t be so angry Conflict of Interest - 23
around me, okay? You don’t have to defend yourself, Jamie. I’m not here to judge you.” When he pulled his hand away, Jamie whispered, “Don’t stop.” He raised his eyes to meet Alex’s, and there was a vulnerable, hungry desire in the depths of his gaze that made Alex want to touch him again, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself to. “Alex —” “Eat up,” Alex said quickly, letting the moment slip by. “We have to get back. Father Nate will think I stole you away.” Jamie’s bright smile suggested he thought that might not be such a bad idea after all.
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Chapter 6 The courtyard of St. Catherine’s was empty when they pulled to a stop in front of the rambling building. Must be dinner time, Alex thought, letting the car idle as he watched Jamie stare out the window. “Well,” he said, loath to see the day end. He yanked up the parking brake and forced a smile that Jamie didn’t turn around to see. “Here we are.” “I hate this place,” Jamie whispered. “I don’t want to get out.” Alex sighed. “Jamie —” Suddenly Jamie kicked open the door and jumped out of the car, his anger returning. He slammed the door shut and began to storm off, heading for the shelter. Twisting the keys from the ignition, Alex climbed out of the car and hurried after him. “Jamie, wait.” Jamie stopped at the edge of the fence that hemmed in the shelter’s property. He crossed his arms and bunched his shoulders as Alex hurried up to him. “What?” he asked, sullen, when Alex stepped in front of him. Now what? Alex thought, taking in the closed face, the surly brow. Where’s the Jamie I laughed with earlier? The one who sang as loud as he could with the radio back in the car? That Jamie was gone, replaced with this bitter young man who didn’t want to be just another runaway at a shelter for kids, who didn’t want to thank him for lunch or say goodbye. Softly Alex said, “I had a good time today.” Jamie sighed and looked beyond Alex, a bored expression on his face. “You’re a fun date,” he added, hoping to get through to the guy he knew existed inside. “Yeah, well, I can show you fun,” Jamie replied, but a corner of his mouth jerked into a halfsmile that made Alex grin. “Take you to one of my clubs, that’s fun.” Laughing, Alex said, “I’m sure you know how to have a good time.” Now Jamie looked at him, and Alex was suddenly too aware of how close they were standing. The tips of Jamie’s sneakers rested against the toes of Alex’s shoes, and Alex’s T-shirt was so tight against Jamie’s biceps, like a second skin across Jamie’s chest. “I can show you a great time,” Jamie whispered, leaning closer. Alex looked into those blue eyes and swore he was drowning, Jamie looming over him, the rest of the world eclipsed… Stepping back, Alex cleared his throat. “I’ve got to go.” “Why?” Jamie stepped closer, causing Alex to take another step back, and then the fence was behind him… when had he let himself become trapped like this? Jamie placed his hands on the fence on either side of Alex’s head and his leg brushed against Alex’s thigh as he leaned in dangerously close. In a low, soft voice, he purred, “Why do you have to go?” Alex glanced around the yard. They were alone. The shadows were beginning to lengthen with the setting of the sun, crossing the basketball court as they stretched for the fence. “Jamie,” Alex breathed, raising his hands to keep some distance between them. His palms pressed on Jamie’s firm stomach, his fingers aching to raise higher, to touch the hard nipples Conflict of Interest - 25
and feel the skin around his neck. His arms wanted to wrap around the narrow waist, to pull Jamie closer and closer until there was nothing between them and his trim body pressed Alex back against the fence, lips hungry on Alex’s own, body warm in Alex’s arms. Somehow Alex found the strength to push Jamie away with the traitorous hands that wanted to pull him in. “I’ve got to go. I’m sorry.” With a sigh, Jamie leaned against the fence beside Alex and breathed, “I’m sorry, too.” Alex fought the urge to move away when Jamie trailed a finger down his arm. “Will you come by tomorrow?” Tomorrow? he thought wildly. Right now I don’t want to let go of today, I don’t know how I’ll make it through tonight, thinking of you and your skin and you want to know what I’m doing tomorrow? Shaking his head as if to clear those thoughts away, Alex admitted, “I have to work tomorrow.” He hoped his voice sounded steadier than he thought it did. “At the radio station?” Jamie asked. “Can I come? You said —” “I have to see,” Alex replied quickly. “I’ll ask tomorrow. It should be okay, but I just want to make sure, you know?” “Yeah.” Jamie picked at the hem of Alex’s sleeve; every now and then his fingers brushed along Alex’s skin, leaving fire in their wake. “So what about the next day?” “I have to work, Jamie,” Alex replied, moving back slightly. Jamie’s hand fell away and in the growing dusk, he frowned. “We’ll see.” “We’ll see,” Jamie echoed softly. When Alex nodded, he scowled. “So that’s it? You do your good deed for the week, take the poor kid out to lunch, and when he asks if you’ll be back you just say 'we’ll see'?” Alex shook his head. “No, Jamie —” “You’re busy tomorrow,” Jamie pointed out, his voice hardening with anger again. “You’re busy the next day. You’re leaving now. Shit, Alex, don’t play me like this. If you don’t wanna do this crap, just say it and leave. Don’t let me think you’ll be back when you won’t.” “Jamie,” Alex tried again, “you’re taking this the wrong way —” “Fuck you,” Jamie growled. He pushed away from the fence and stumbled toward the shelter. “Jamie!” Alex called out. What the fuck just happened? he wondered. It was an awkward moment, true, but now he’s pissed and telling me to fuck off and what the hell is going on here? “Jamie, wait.” Jamie pulled off Alex’s T-shirt and threw it to the ground. “Here’s your fucking shirt back,” he said. “Have fun at work tomorrow. Have a great fucking life.” Conflict of Interest - 26
Oh shit. Alex ran after Jamie and grabbed his arm. Jamie tried to shrug out of his grip, but Alex held on tight, forcing Jamie to turn around and look at him. “What the hell’s your problem?” Angry himself, Alex stared into Jamie’s dark eyes and refused to look away. He wouldn’t think of Jamie’s pliant skin beneath his fingers, or the way the light above the door to the shelter cast a golden glow along Jamie’s chest. He wouldn’t let himself notice those things. “I like spending time with you, Jamie, crazy as that may sound. I had a wonderful time this afternoon, even if you didn’t. Maybe I just wanted to be nice at first, maybe that’s why I signed up for this program, but I like you — I’m not just doing this out of obligation. I want to be your friend, and not because some priest thought we’d get along well together. But I’ve got things I need to do. Like work, and sleep, and classes when the summer’s over. I can’t be here all the time. I just can’t.” When Jamie twisted his arm again, Alex let him go. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” “When?” Jamie asked, pouting. Alex sighed. “After work, I don’t know. Maybe eight, how’s that sound? Eight o’clock.” “Yeah, right,” Jamie muttered, and he hurried up the steps of the shelter. Alex didn’t stop him again. The door creaked when Jamie pulled it open. When he slammed it shut behind him, the echo faded into the early evening air. Weary, Alex walked back to his car. He wished he knew what it was he had said to make Jamie suddenly turn distant and unresponsive. He was so different this afternoon, Alex mused as he stopped to retrieve the T-shirt off the ground. He shook the dirt from it and balled the thin fabric into his fist. It was still warm with the heat from Jamie’s body, and he knew it would smell like Jamie, too, if he just pressed the cloth against his nose and breathed in deep. He’d smell Jamie’s sweat and the faint soap that clung to him, a clean, fresh scent that still lingered in the car when Alex slid behind the driver’s seat. I’ll talk to Saundra tomorrow, Alex thought, starting the engine. How could his boss possibly say no to letting Jamie visit the station? He dropped the shirt onto the seat beside him as he pulled away from the shelter. He’d call Jamie tomorrow — hopefully that would give the kid enough time to cool down. But he still didn’t say goodbye, Alex thought, frowning at himself in the rearview mirror. *** Alex was right — Saundra didn’t mind if he brought Jamie to the radio station. “Just keep him under control,” she warned. They sat in the sound booth, listening to the goofy host of the morning show flirt with the girl who did traffic. “And make sure he doesn’t steal anything. It’s coming out of your paycheck if he does.” Alex sighed as he picked at the volume slider on the control panel. “He’s just two years younger than me,” he pointed out, “not some snot-nosed brat. Just because he lives at the shelter doesn’t mean he’s a thief.” Conflict of Interest - 27
“He’s a street rat,” Saundra replied. “Looking for free food and handouts and expecting something for nothing. Like the world owes them a living. If he’s only two years younger than you, why isn’t he on his own? Can’t he get a job? Or won’t he do an honest day’s work?” Alex shook his head. “Jamie’s had a rough life, that’s all. He just needs a friend —” But Saundra pulled on her headphones and refused to listen to Alex’s protests. “You keep an eye on him,” she said, raising her voice to hear herself over the music in her ears. “He takes anything or acts up —” “He won’t,” Alex promised. Wouldn’t she even give him a chance? Christ, was that the type of attitude Jamie had to deal with every day? Miffed, Alex pushed both sliders up to full volume as he stood, and turned before he could catch the bitchy look his boss threw his way. Jamie’s not that bad, Alex thought, surprised at the involuntary smile that spread across his face when he thought of the way the street lamps had washed Jamie’s chest with a warm light. He’d wanted to call the shelter when he got home, just to talk to Jamie again, say he was sorry one more time. He still didn’t know why Jamie had suddenly stormed off like that… Unless he doesn’t think I’m coming back. Alex frowned at that. Maybe I wasn’t going to, not at first, but I can’t let him down. Even if he didn’t make me feel the way he does, I couldn’t just walk out of his life, not now. In the end, he hadn’t called Jamie because he didn’t want to pester the poor kid. He’d call that evening, when he got off from work, right? Eight o’clock, that’s what he’d said, but once he got home, time seemed to drag. At quarter ‘til, he figured it was close enough. For one heart-stopping moment he couldn’t find Father Taylor’s letter, but it had fallen between the table and his bed. After retrieving it, Alex sat on the floor to open the envelope again. He scanned the words until he found the number at the bottom of the letterhead, and with trembling fingers he fumbled for the phone on his bedside table. It rang once, twice, three times, and Alex was just about to hang up and try again when someone answered. “St. Catherine’s. This is Father Nate.” “Hello, Nate,” Alex breathed, relieved. He still didn’t feel comfortable calling the guy Father when he was only a few years older than himself. “This is Alex. From the Outreach program?” He waited a second and then added, “Jamie’s friend.” “Alex!” the priest cried, the smile clear in his voice. “Is Jamie with you?” Alex frowned at the letter in his hand. “No,” he said slowly. “I told him I’d call him tonight. Isn’t he there?” With a sigh Father Nate replied, “No. He left a little after six. I was hoping he’d gone with you, but…”
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Alex didn’t like the way the priest let the sentence trail off. “But what?” If Jamie wasn’t there, where was he? “He likes his clubs,” Father Nate said carefully. “I told you that. I guess I just thought maybe you’d help him find something better to do.” Shit. Alex refolded the letter back into the envelope. I knew I should’ve called him when I got in. But no, I had to wait. Didn’t he remember I said I’d call? Did he think I wouldn’t? “He went clubbing.” It wasn’t a question, and Father Nate didn’t bother to reply. Why did that make him upset? He knew Jamie liked the night life. He knew Jamie hung out at places he himself wouldn’t be caught dead in — Father Nate told him that when they first met. So why did he suddenly want to get into his car and drive all over town until he found Jamie and force the kid to leave that scene behind? Because he’s with someone else right now, his mind whispered. He tried to deny it, but he couldn’t lie to himself. He’s in the back of a dark room somewhere, feeling up another boy and you wish it was you in his arms, your lips on his, your zipper he slowly eases down as his hand slips into your pants. That image burned in his mind, choking him with emotions he didn’t dare feel. “Well,” he said, sighing. “Tell him I called, will you? He can call me back whenever he gets in. It won’t be too late.” “Will do,” Father Nate replied. Alex hung up the phone and turned on the TV, hoping to erase the mental image of Jamie leaning over him in a smoked out club, hand touching him in places Alex ached to be touched. And he waited. Long after he crawled into bed he was still waiting, listening in the darkness, but the phone never rang.
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Chapter 7 Alex woke with a guilty start when his alarm clock went off the next morning. Shit. He didn’t know what time he’d finally drifted off, staring at the cordless phone on the pillow beside him, willing it to ring. Where the fuck is he? he wondered as he scrambled through the sheets, searching for the phone. He found it on the floor beside the bed and dialed the first four numbers to the shelter before he realized that it was only six in the morning. Father Nate would still be asleep — all the kids would be asleep. He’d wake up the whole place just to check on Jamie when he probably got in late last night and tried calling him, but he’d been sleeping. Even though the phone was on the bed, Alex had been tired… maybe Jamie called and he slept right through the ring. Maybe he left a message. Alex hurried downstairs to check the answering machine. The light didn’t blink. He stared at it for a full minute, sure it would blink, sure there was a message on it, there had to be. Refusing to believe Jamie hadn’t called, he even pushed the Play button on the machine. Maybe Dave played the message when he came in. But the machine beeped twice and that was it — no message, no Jamie, nothing. Fuck. Back upstairs, Alex stood outside Dave’s door and debated waking his roommate. What time had he wandered in last night? Maybe he came in as the phone rang and he didn’t want it to wake Alex so he answered it. Maybe he talked to Jamie. Maybe… Gently Alex eased the door open and peeked into the dark room. The sheets were wrapped around bare legs that definitely didn’t belong to Dave — they were long and curvaceous and female. “Dave?” Alex hissed. Whoever was in Dave’s bed pulled her legs beneath the covers with a soft moan. “Dave?” Hidden somewhere in the tangled sheets came the grumbled reply. “What?” Stepping into the room, Alex asked, “Did the phone ring last night?” “What the fuck?” Dave raised his head. The blanket fell away to uncover disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes. Owlishly, he blinked in the light from the hall. “Man, what time is it?” Alex took another step closer to the bed. “It’s early,” he admitted. “I just want to know — did someone call last night?” “No,” Dave growled, shaking his head for emphasis. Damn it. Alex bit his lower lip and sighed. “Was there a message on the machine or anything?” A feminine hand tugged the covers back a little, exposing a mess of dark hair and black kohlrimmed eyes that stared up at Alex balefully. “No,” Dave said again. “No one called, Alex. Let me sleep.” “Sorry,” Alex mumbled. Dave covered his head with his pillow as Alex backed out of the Conflict of Interest - 30
room. “I was just hoping —” “No one called.” Dave’s voice was muffled, and the girl beside him sighed shakily as Alex closed the door. No one called… Jamie, where the hell are you? Alex thought again about calling the shelter, but it was still too early. He’d wait until his lunch hour — if Jamie didn’t call him by noon, then he’d call the shelter. He’d wait until then. *** The morning dragged on until Alex thought the clock would never read twelve. When it was close enough, he clicked on his cell phone as he left the sound booth, the number to the shelter already programmed into the phone’s memory. He stood in the hall between the recording studio and the lobby and listened to the rings. Come on, he pleaded, wishing someone would answer already. Jamie, or one of the volunteers, someone… “St. Catherine’s —” “Father Nate,” Alex sighed, relieved. “It’s me, Alex. Jamie there?” “Not yet,” the priest replied. Fuck. “Where is he?” Alex hated the desperate sound in his own voice, but he couldn’t deny that he was getting worried. Getting there? a part of him laughed. You’ve been worried since you called yesterday. Admit it, you don’t want to think about him with someone else. You don’t want to think about him dancing the night away, getting drunk and getting laid when you want him with you. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’m just concerned—” “I know,” Father Nate said gently. “He does this, Alex. Goes out and has a good time and forgets where he lives for a little while. But eventually he’ll come back. He always does.” Alex leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. The tile was cool through his thin Tshirt, and he wondered just how implausible it would be to take the rest of the day off and drive around the seedier parts of town looking for Jamie. “I hate this,” he whispered. He didn’t want to admit it, but he did. “I hate not knowing where he is. I hate that he’s out there doing stuff he probably shouldn’t be doing. I hate that I can’t help him.” “I know,” the priest said again. “Believe me, Alex, I know. It’s frustrating at times, all these bright children, all these wonderful souls tamped down like crushed cigarettes, smothered by people who don’t want them or who only want to hurt them. And it hurts to know there’s only so much either of us can do. You can’t force him to see that what he’s doing is wrong. You can only show him there’s another way and hope he realizes it himself.” Alex sighed. “He’s mad at me,” he said softly. “I don’t know why, but I should’ve called him the other night. I should’ve told him I was sorry again. Maybe —” “Don’t do this,” Father Nate said sternly. “It’s not your fault. Boys like Jamie, you can spend your whole life apologizing and it’ll never be enough.” Conflict of Interest - 31
“He didn’t want me to leave,” Alex whispered. “I could’ve stayed another hour. I could’ve called him earlier yesterday, caught him before he left.” Through the phone, the priest sounded tired and weary. “Alex. Stop it. You can talk about what you could have done all day long, but it won’t make him come back any sooner. He’s just scared. For the first time someone’s being nice to him without wanting something in return and it terrifies the hell out of him. Just give him some time, please. Be there for him and he’ll come around, I know he will.” Give him some time… Alex wondered how much Jamie needed. What did he do in those clubs? Sex, drugs, alcohol… enough shit like that and he won’t have any time left. I’ll be waiting to help him and he’ll be too far gone, overdose one night or get shot or die of AIDS, and I’ll be left wondering just how much time was too much. How long is too long to wait? “Tell him to call me the minute he gets in,” Alex said, giving Father Nate the number to his cell phone. “Tell him I expect a call today.” By two, Alex’s phone hadn’t rung, and he told Saundra he couldn’t stay at the studio any longer. “I have to go,” he said. He didn’t even bother thinking up a lame excuse. He just had to leave. Saundra waved at him, distracted, as she hunched over the control panel, fading in the next commercial. “See ya,” she muttered. Alex nodded and left. He reached St. Catherine’s, his phone still silent. He could only think the worst, so he just stopped at the curb, ignoring the yellow paint on the sidewalk and the No Parking sign as he climbed out of the car. He took the steps two at a time and threw open the door to the shelter, squinting as his eyes adjusted from the bright sunlight outside to the darkened interior. “Nate,” he called, spotting the priest with a bunch of younger children, watching cartoons on a wide-screen TV. Father Nate glanced up at him and frowned. “He just came in,” he said, gingerly extracting himself from the group of children on the floor. He lowered his voice as he led Alex to the back of the shelter, where the sleeping quarters were located. “I told him you called and he just shrugged. I gave him your number and I think he threw it away.” Alex felt his throat close up, but the priest hurried on. “He’s scared; I told you that. He’s just doing this to prove to himself that he doesn’t need you, but he’s wrong.” Alex followed Father Nate down a short hall lined with doors. Each door had a curtained window cut into it, and taped on the wall to one side were names in neatly penned script, names of the kids who slept there. A few doors were open, and Alex could see two narrow beds inside each room, small desks between them, and a tiny window above that let the sunlight in. The rooms were cramped, the beds metal frames with creaking springs, their sheets threadbare and the blankets scratchy. Not a room to call one’s own. The thought of Jamie lying on such a bed made Alex want to take the kid home, where his bed was large enough for the both of them, the blankets thick, the sheets crisp. He deserves that, but he threw away my number so maybe he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. In an anxious voice, he asked, “He doesn’t want to see me?” Conflict of Interest - 32
Father Nate placed a comforting hand on Alex’s shoulder. “The fact that you’re here when I didn’t even call you proves he’s wrong. Go talk to him.” He pointed at a closed door halfway down the hall. Alex stepped up to the door, suddenly nervous. The curtain was pulled shut across the window, hiding the room from view, so he knocked gently. When no one answered, he ventured, “Jamie?” “Go away,” came the sullen reply. Alex sighed again. This isn’t going to work. “Can I come in?” “What the fuck for?” It was definitely Jamie’s voice, and the fact that it sounded angry and hurt made Alex ache to promise everything would be okay. If only he’d let me in… “Please?” Alex asked. For a moment he didn’t think Jamie would respond. Then he thought maybe the silence was a response, and Jamie wasn’t going to talk to him again. He glanced around, but the hall was empty, Father Nate having returned to the cartoons. Finally he heard a soft sigh through the closed door, and Jamie muttered, “It’s not locked.” Alex pushed the door open and stepped into the room. It was stifling from the afternoon sun. The small window above the desks was open, and the sounds from the street leaked inside, faded and distant. Jamie lay on one bed, no shirt on and jeans unzipped, the boxers unbuttoned beneath the denim. Alex could see the bright hint of red hair curl around the fabric and now the room was too hot, Jamie’s scent sharp between them as he stared at the ceiling and ignored Alex. “Hey,” Alex said softly, closing the door behind him. “Leave it open,” Jamie replied. When Alex didn’t move, he shifted his gaze to look at him and frowned. “Nate says keep it open when we have visitors. House rules.” Alex smiled faintly as he opened the door. Thank you, Father Nate, he thought as a cool breeze swirled into the room from the air-conditioned hall. Pulling out the chair at Jamie’s desk, Alex sat down and studied his friend. Jamie’s curls were damp and his skin had that smooth look like he’d just come out of the shower recently. Alex found his gaze drawn to the dark patch at Jamie’s crotch, where just a thin stretch of material hid the rest of him from view. He wondered what that soft hair would feel like entwined in his fingers — he could almost hear the scrape of his nails along that hidden skin, and with the door closed it would be like a furnace, the bed would creak beneath them, their hair would drip with sweat and they’d pant in each others’ arms after they came, exhausted and so damn hot… He forced the image from his mind. “I called you yesterday.” “I wasn’t here.” Jamie stared at the wall and refused to look at Alex. “Where’d you go?” Alex wanted to know. Jamie shrugged. “You didn’t call me back.” Conflict of Interest - 33
Jamie shrugged again. “Saundra says you can come to the studio,” he tried one last time. “If you want.” “Who’s Saundra?” Jamie asked. “Your girlfriend?” Alex shook his head, a gesture Jamie didn’t see. “My supervisor,” he replied. When Jamie didn’t say anything else, he sighed. “I was worried —” “Why?” Jamie asked, and now he turned towards Alex, glaring at him. “What do you care?” Anger flared through him. “You know, Owens,” he said, standing, “fine. You think you’re not hurting anyone when you disappear like that? I waited for you to call me back. I waited all night. I fell asleep waiting, and this afternoon I couldn’t wait any longer, so I left work and came here looking for you.” Jamie’s eyes widened at that. Alex shoved the chair back beneath the desk and stopped at the doorway. “Why? I don’t know, Jamie. I don’t fucking know anymore.” He looked at Jamie, watching the kid closely, and suddenly he felt empty and drained and used. “Goodbye.” He slammed the door to Jamie’s room as he left.
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Chapter 8 He leaned against the wall and waited. Come on, he thought, staring at the floor where the sunlight peeked out from under the closed door. I pissed you off, Jamie, and you’re not the type to take that shit lying down, so get off your ass and storm out here after me. Prove to me that Nate was right. Prove to me that you need me. Suddenly the door opened. Alex stepped forward, arms crossed, directly into Jamie’s path, even as the guy called out his name. “Alex —” Jamie bumped into him and staggered back, his hand still on the doorknob. Alex watched the emotions war on his face — anger, disgust, joy, relief. Then he frowned, the glare back in his eyes that creased his brow and made his lips pout just slightly. “I thought you left.” “I thought I did, too,” Alex replied. Jamie looked past him into the hall, but they were alone. Studying the smooth muscles, so close that he could just uncross his arms and feel the soft skin in his hands, firm beneath his palms, Alex thought maybe Jamie needed something more than this place tonight. Who wouldn’t run from here? he mused, raising his gaze to meet Jamie’s steady stare. If this is all he has, why wouldn’t he try to lose himself in the clubs and the alcohol and the boys? “Get dressed,” Alex said gently. Jamie zipped up his pants, hiding the dark shadows that hinted at something more. “Where are we going?” he asked, stepping back so Alex could come back into the room. Alex sat on the edge of Jamie’s bed and watched him pull out a cut-off T-shirt from one of the desk drawers. “Out,” he said simply. When Jamie tugged the shirt on over his head, Alex sighed. The shirt stopped just above Jamie’s navel, and Alex couldn’t stop staring at his bare midriff, the freckles that dotted his skin, the jeans hanging slightly off his hips. “Jesus.” Tying an old bandanna around his curls, Jamie grinned. “You like?” he asked, stepping closer. With his hands securing the bandanna behind his head, his arms were raised enough that Alex could look up the short shirt and… Stop it, his mind warned as he tried to look away from the dark skin of Jamie’s nipples, erect where they brushed against the shirt, but he couldn’t. Stop it right now, he can read you like a book, he sees how much you want him — placing both hands on Alex’s knees, Jamie squatted down in front of him, easing his legs apart. “We can be quick,” he said with a wink. “Please, Alex? I’m good.” Alex stood up quickly, knocking Jamie’s hands away, but his thighs still burned from the touch. “I’m sure you are,” he said, clearing his throat. Jamie stared up at him, that pout back on his lips, and Alex dared to take his arm, helping him stand. “Jamie, I don’t want…” He sighed. “No.” “You don’t want me to?” Jamie asked, confused. “I’m not here for that,” Alex tried again. Remember, he told himself, he’s starving for attention and maybe this is one of the only ways he knows how to get it. He’s only offering Conflict of Interest - 35
because that’s what he thinks you want. Looking at Jamie, skin so warm in his hand, Alex added silently, And maybe that is what I want, but not just right now, not just one time, and not because he feels he has to do it. “We’re friends, Jamie. No sex. Do you have any other friends like that? Guys you know but don’t fool around with?” Slowly Jamie shook his head. Alex’s arms ached to hold him, his heart threatened to burst at the sadness he saw in those deep sea eyes, and he wanted to kiss Jamie until that hurt and pain went away. *** In the car, Jamie slumped down in the passenger seat and frowned out the window. “Where are we going?” Alex shrugged. “Where do you want to go?” Jamie leaned his head against the window and sighed. “Anywhere but here.” With a forced smile Alex placed his hand on top of Jamie’s where it rested on the parking brake. When Jamie turned his hand over and curled his fingers around Alex’s own, he didn’t pull away. Instead he squeezed Jamie’s hand reassuringly. “Where did you go last night?” “I don’t want to talk about it,” Jamie replied. Alex frowned as he guided the car around a sharp curve with one hand, reluctant to let go of Jamie. “Why not?” “Because you’ll think I’m bad,” Jamie whispered, his fingers tightening around Alex’s. “I don’t want you to think that.” “I won’t think that about you,” Alex promised. The radio filled the silence between them until Alex thought Jamie wasn’t going to say anything else, and he’d just let it go. He didn’t really want to hear about the guy’s nightly antics, not when he wanted to be the one Jamie laughed with, the one Jamie loved. Was it so bad to feel that selfish? To want to keep Jamie safe and show him the world was a better place than he thought it was? But in a small voice, Jamie told him anyway. “I went to the club with my boys.” My boys. The words stung more than Alex thought they would. “Your boyfriend?” he prompted, telling himself he’d listen because Jamie needed someone and didn’t he say he didn’t want more than to just be Jamie’s friend? No sex… your own words, he reminded himself. Why did he have to go and say it like that? So final, with no room for doubt. But Jamie shook his head. “They aren’t boyfriends. Just guys I know.”
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“Guys you have sex with?” Alex asked softly. Jamie laughed. “I don’t fuck them, if that’s what you’re asking. A blowjob isn’t sex — it’s just some guy sucking on your dick, that’s it. Mutual masturbation.” Alex thought of Jamie, hard and moaning his name as he went down on the nameless guy, and he hoped Jamie didn’t notice how slick his palm suddenly grew. “You do this at the club,” Alex said, trying to keep his voice even. Jamie shrugged. “It’s a way to get off,” he admitted. “Lots of shit goes down in those places. No one says anything.” When Alex turned down a narrow side street, away from the city traffic, Jamie stared at the older buildings and asked, “Where are we going again?” “I thought I’d show you my apartment,” Alex said. “Give you a good, home cooked meal, spend some quality time watching TV… what do you think?” There was no response. Alex glanced over to see Jamie lean against the window, one solitary tear like rain streaking the cheek of his reflection. “Jamie?” he asked, concerned. “I’m sorry I missed your call,” Jamie whispered. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffled loudly. “I…” He sighed. “I thought about you all last night and I just want you to know… I thought about you, Alex.” I thought about you… when was that? Alex wanted to ask. When he went down on you? When you came? When you thrust into his mouth, or when you returned the favor? But he kept those thoughts to himself. Aloud, he started, “Jamie—” Quietly Jamie said, “I don’t kiss them. I have to keep something for myself, you know? Something that’s just me. I have to save it for whoever it is I’m going to fall in love with. I’ll give my kisses to him. To only him.” At least that’s something. *** “Who’s this?” Jamie asked, picking up a frame from the top of the entertainment center. The minute they entered Alex’s small apartment, Jamie headed for the photographs, studying them intently. They were mostly Dave’s pictures from graduation — Alex suspected that part of his friend still didn’t believe he had finally made it out of high school, and that’s why he kept the pictures on display. Alex glanced over Jamie’s shoulder, ignoring the clean scent that rose from Jamie’s neck. He wanted to bury his nose against that soft flesh and breathe in deep, but he wouldn’t let himself. Instead he pointed at the picture and said, “This is Dave. My roommate.” “Your boyfriend?” Jamie asked, frowning. “He’s kind of hairy.” Alex laughed. “Dave’s as straight as they come. He’s just a friend.” And he is kind of hairy, he thought, watching Jamie as he set the photograph back carefully. Conflict of Interest - 37
Not my type at all. Right now he thought maybe his type was a young redhead with curls and a hard body, but he wasn’t going to admit that out loud. “Who’s this?” Jamie asked again, pointing to another picture. Alex was all too aware of how close they stood, how Jamie’s elbow brushed against his stomach slightly when he moved. It took everything Alex had to look away from the fine hairs curling along the nape of Jamie’s neck and follow his finger to see who he pointed to now. “Stanley.” Alex didn’t like the way his voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Dave’s brother. He’s a real ass.” Before Jamie could ask, he said, “And no, he’s not my boyfriend, either.” Jamie grinned and when he turned, Alex could feel his breath flutter against his ear, just a faint puff that made him shove his hands into his pockets so Jamie wouldn’t see them tremble. “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No.” Alex felt the hunger in Jamie’s gaze and he licked his lips self-consciously, then stepped back from the entertainment center, away from Jamie and that sharp scent and raw energy. He saw the sudden hope flare in Jamie’s eyes and turned away before he let himself believe it meant what he wanted it to mean. As he walked into the kitchen, Jamie followed him to lean against the counter as Alex rinsed his hands in the sink. “Why not?” Alex shrugged. “I don’t know.” He didn’t really want to get into it now — he didn’t want to remember the last time he’d been kissed, the last time he had sex, the last time he woke up beside someone and watched them sleep in the early morning light. He didn’t want to remember the pain he felt when Dave told him that he saw Joel at this club, and did Alex know he was gay? Because he was hanging all over another guy down there, and Dave just thought Alex would like to know, because didn’t they go out from time to time? He didn’t want to remember the way it hurt when Joel shrugged and said, You know, it’s been real, but I gotta go. And he knew when the door closed that Joel wasn’t coming back. But Jamie was waiting, watching him openly, and Alex busied himself with stirring the noodles already cooking on the stove. “I just haven’t had good luck with men,” he admitted. Jamie moved a little closer, and Alex wondered if the sudden heat that flashed through him was from the stove he leaned over or the guy behind him. “Have you ever been with a guy?” Jamie asked, his voice low. Without looking up from the pot of boiling water, Alex nodded. “I’ve had boyfriends before, Jamie,” he said. “Just not anyone right now.” “Why not?” Jamie persisted.
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Alex sighed. “Because the last guy I dated fucked me over.” He glanced at Jamie and saw anger back on that young face, marring those angelic features. “I’m just, I don’t know… I’m just leery anymore, you know? I never thought he’d cheat on me.” “What’s his name?” Jamie wanted to know. “That bastard. Who’d fuck around on someone like you? What the hell was he thinking?” Smiling wryly, Alex whispered, “I don’t know.” He turned off the stove and winked at Jamie. “I’m better off without him anyway.” “Damn straight.” Jamie watched Alex open the cabinet and pull out the jar of spaghetti sauce, and when he tried to twist off the lid, Jamie pushed his hands away. “Let me get it,” he said. The muscles in his arms stood out as he popped the lid off easily. “Thanks,” Alex muttered, taking the jar. He tossed the lid into the sink and smiled at the frown still on Jamie’s face. “What’s on your mind?” Jamie trailed a finger along Alex’s arm, the gentlest touch that sent shivers down Alex’s spine. “I’m thinking that guy was an asshole,” he said softly, watching Alex’s skin beneath his own. “I’m thinking if I had a boy like you, I wouldn’t fuck around.” His arm eased around Alex’s waist, hand resting in the small of Alex’s back before curving around the side to flatten against his belly. Alex held his breath as Jamie closed the distance and leaned against him, that body pressing along Alex’s gently — he could feel hard nubs bite into his arm and back, a thick erection rub against his thigh. When Jamie spoke again, his breath tickled along Alex’s neck, and Alex had to swallow hard against the desire raging through him at these simple touches. “I’d never go anywhere without you,” Jamie was saying, “and I’d give you the world, the sun, anything you wanted, anything at all. At the clubs I’d tell them I have a man, I don’t need to fuck around anymore. If I had someone like you.” Alex felt the faintest press of lips against the back of his neck. Hadn’t Jamie said he was saving those kisses? For whoever it is I’m going to fall in love with… hadn’t he said that? To only him. “Jamie,” he warned, but his voice was weak and held no conviction at all. Jamie sighed as he walked away. “That’s what’s on my mind,” he said. Alex waited until he heard the TV click on in the other room before he remembered how to breathe again.
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Chapter 9 After dinner, Alex sat on the sofa as Jamie thumbed through his DVD collection. “I want to watch this,” Jamie would say, pulling out one movie, but before he managed to get the disc into the player he’d see something else and pull that movie out as well. He sat cross-legged in front of the TV, and Alex wanted to touch the curved bumps of his spine that peeked out from beneath the short hem of his T-shirt. His jeans gapped in the back, the waistband of his boxers exposed, and Alex remembered that they were still unsnapped beneath those jeans because Jamie had only zipped up the pants when he got dressed. That thought didn’t help any. Alex felt nervous now that the meal was out of the way and it was just the two of them. Suddenly he felt the same way he had years ago on his first date, when he knew the night would end with a kiss if only he could get through the rest of the evening. “Just pick one already,” Alex said with a laugh. “I don’t know what I want to see,” Jamie admitted, frowning at the two DVD cases on his lap. “You pick something. We’ll watch whatever you want.” “We don’t have to watch anything,” Alex said. “Do you want to do something else instead?” The leer Jamie turned towards him suggested that television was the last thing on his mind and yes, he could think of quite a few things he’d rather do. “Jamie,” he warned. “I want to see your bedroom,” Jamie replied. Alex frowned. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea…” But Jamie was already on his feet and heading for the stairs. “Which one’s yours?” he called out as he raced up the steps. Alex heard him open the door to the bathroom and click on the light. “What’s this?” Wearily Alex pushed himself up from the sofa and sighed. He’s like a kid in a toy store, he thought, laughing when Jamie rushed out of the bathroom and down the hall. “What’s what?” Alex asked, following as Jamie pushed open the door to Dave’s room. “That’s Dave’s…” Jamie disappeared into the room. “Jamie.” Inside Jamie picked over the items on Dave’s dresser — cologne, earrings, unopened condoms, a tube of lipstick — discarding them when something else caught his eye. “This guy’s a slob,” he said, his voice low in the darkened room. From the doorway Alex hissed, “Come on, Jamie. Leave his stuff alone.” Jamie leafed through a little black address book, the worn cover held together with rubber bands. “Where’s your room?” “Put that down.” When Jamie didn’t listen, Alex stepped into the room and took the book from him, dropping it on top of the dresser. “Come on,” he said again, taking Jamie’s hand in his as he led him from the room. Conflict of Interest - 40
Jamie noticed another door farther along the hall and headed for it, pulling Alex along with him. “What’s in here?” Alex clicked on the light as they entered. “This is my room.” Jamie shook his hand free and jumped onto the bed. God, Alex thought, watching him snuggle into the pillows. I don’t need to see this. Him in my bed… my sheets will smell like him. I should just sleep naked tonight, save myself the trouble of cleaning up the wet dreams in the morning. “Jamie, what are you doing?” “I love this bed,” Jamie said with a sigh. He burrowed beneath the blankets until only his face peeked out, the sheets covering his head like a shawl and fisted beneath his chin. His eyes closed, the smile on his face beatific. “I’ve never had a bed like this. I’m going to stay here all night long.” If only you could, Alex thought before he could stop himself. “Jamie,” he started, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Jamie to get up. Instead he sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t think Father Nate would like that very much.” “Fuck Nate,” Jamie said sleepily. “Jamie!” When he grinned, Alex slapped his leg through the covers. Jamie giggled and squirmed away. “Now you’re being bad.” “I am not,” Jamie replied. “Which side of the bed do you sleep on?” Alex shrugged. “I never really thought about it much,” he admitted. “Scoot over.” Jamie moved to the far side of the bed and Alex laid down on his back beside him. “I guess I sleep on this side.” And Jamie was mere inches away, head resting on the other pillow, so close that Alex thought it wouldn’t be anything at all to just roll over and press his lips to Jamie’s furrowed brow. Suddenly Jamie’s eyes were huge, watching him carefully, watching the emotions play across his face. Alex knew Jamie could see the thoughts behind his eyes, images of the two of them together, writhing in passion, naked and sweating and tangled in the sheets. Every part of his body ached to take Jamie into his arms, to smooth out the lines along that forehead and to kiss those deep eyes closed again, to feel those pouty lips part beneath his, to hear his name moaned in that soft voice. From the way Jamie looked back at him, Alex knew Jamie was thinking the same things, was waiting for Alex to touch him, to tell him it would be all right to lose himself again in the flesh and the sex and the night. With a start Alex sat up quickly. I can’t do this, he thought, shaking the want from his mind, the need. I just can’t give in; I can’t let him get to me. He needs someone strong, someone who’s not going to use him, someone who can show him there’s so much more out there than just sex and Nate thought that someone could be me so I can’t do this, I can’t let myself do it… Jamie frowned. “Alex —”
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“Get up,” he said, his voice brusque. “It’s getting late. You have to get back.” When Jamie didn’t move, Alex tugged on the sheets, trying to rouse him. “Get up, Jamie. Come on.” Jamie sat up, the look on his face both pitiful and priceless as he climbed out of Alex’s bed. The blankets pooled at his feet and he scooped them up to throw them on the bed unceremoniously, his curls disheveled and a pout on his lips. “I don’t want to go back,” he said, but the words were faint enough that Alex could pretend he didn’t hear them. *** In front of St. Catherine’s, Jamie didn’t want to get out of the car. “What’s in here?” he asked, opening the glove compartment in an effort to find something else to talk about, something more to do. A handful of napkins fell into his lap. “Nothing much,” Alex said, watching him. He wanted to touch Jamie’s shoulder and smooth down the T-shirt where it bunched across Jamie’s back. He wanted to say he couldn’t wait to get back home and crawl between the sheets of his bed, because he knew they’d smell like Jamie and he could pretend Jamie was lying there beside him in the darkness of his room. He wanted to say something, anything, to turn that bright gaze his way, but when he opened his mouth to speak, what came out was, “When do you want to go to the station?” Jamie shrugged as he shoved the napkins back into the glove compartment. “I don’t know. What about tomorrow?” “Sure,” Alex said. Why not tomorrow? “I have to get there early. Do you want me to call and wake you up?” Jamie grinned wickedly and Alex warned, “I know what you’re thinking —” “What’s that?” Jamie looked at him with an innocence that made Alex wonder if maybe he didn’t know what the kid was thinking — maybe it was his own sordid thoughts he heard instead. Closing the glove compartment, Jamie lounged back, one foot on the dashboard and the other propped up on the seat so that he sprawled obscenely in the light from the street lamp outside. “Tell me what I’m thinking, Alex.” Instead of answering, Alex told him, “Tomorrow. I’ll be by here at what, 7:30? Is that a good time?” Jamie rubbed the tight fabric along his inner thigh and moaned when his fingers pressed against the bulge between his legs. “Maybe next time I can sleep over at your place.” Before Alex could respond, Jamie unlatched the door and tumbled out of the car. “Goodnight,” Alex called as the door slammed shut. He let himself watch Jamie walk away, savoring the rhythm in that step, and waited until Jamie was inside the shelter before pulling away from the curb. *** Back at the apartment, Alex cleaned up the DVDs scattered across the living room floor. They smell like him, he thought, catching a whiff of Jamie’s fresh scent as he closed the glass door of the entertainment center. I didn’t want to let him in and he’s already there, already Conflict of Interest - 42
inside me and everything he touches becomes a part of him. Everything here has a little of him in it and I’ll never stop thinking of him now. But was that necessarily such a bad thing? Alex didn’t really think so anymore. Upstairs he shook the blankets out in an effort to straighten the bed. As the sheets settled over the length of the mattress, Alex caught a glimpse of blue beneath the covers. It was Jamie’s bandanna, fallen from his head when he burrowed into the sheets. The fabric was impossibly soft between Alex’s fingers, worn from years of use. A sick part of him wanted to rub the bandanna in places he wanted Jamie to touch, but he couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t. Even here, in the sanctity of his own place, the privacy of his own room, he felt Jamie’s presence like a ghost, lingering, watching, waiting. He didn’t want to violate the fragile trust that had blossomed between them. After tonight, he thought maybe that trust could finally begin to grow. And he didn’t want to lose it. So he resisted the urge to press the bandanna to his lips. Instead he balled it into his fist and tossed it onto the dresser with his wallet. He’d give it back when he saw Jamie in the morning. With the lights out, Alex slipped between the covers and found the memory of Jamie lying beside him. The image of Jamie wrapped in his blankets descended on Alex until he couldn’t breathe without tasting Jamie in the back of his throat. The pillows were redolent with the clean, soapy scent, and Alex closed his eyes, imagining strong arms around him, soft curls in his hands, warm lips on his throat. He hugged the sheets close as he fell asleep and tried not to wish he wasn’t alone.
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Chapter 10 Alex didn’t see Jamie when he pulled to a stop in front of the shelter the next morning. He glanced at the clock and thought about hitting the horn, but it was early and he didn’t want to wake the whole neighborhood. He debated running up to the shelter and knocking — surely someone was up, some small kid watching TV who could let him in. But just as he cut off the engine, the front doors opened and Jamie stepped out into the bright morning light, grinning at him. Sweet Jesus in heaven above, Alex thought, swallowing hard as he watched the way Jamie’s hair caught the sun, curls winking in the light. His skin looked like porcelain this early in the day, so smooth, so perfect. Alex could only imagine what it would taste like if he leaned over and planted a quick kiss on Jamie’s soft cheek once he got in the car. As Jamie came closer, Alex noticed the black leather pants he wore, snug across his hips and thighs, and damn… those pants left nothing to the imagination. Alex could see every crease, every bulge, every wrinkle in Jamie’s crotch, and he had to be wearing boxers or—don’t think it, Alex — free balling, or something, because he shifted with each step — don’t look and don’t even think about it… But Alex couldn’t tear his gaze away from the jiggle below Jamie’s belt buckle, and when the kid subconsciously reached down and touched himself there, readjusting those pants, Alex almost died. Oh God please, he prayed as Jamie stepped up to the passenger side and leaned into the open window. Please give me strength because he makes me so damn weak. “Hey there, sexy,” Jamie said, smiling. Alex couldn’t help but smile back, especially when the tank top Jamie wore gaped open as he leaned over, giving a wonderful shot of the bare, freckled chest beneath the thin material. “You said maybe I could drive next time, remember? Can I?” “You’re wearing that?” Alex asked in reply. He could almost see Saundra’s frown of disapproval. Jamie stood up and shook out a white, mesh shirt. “I’ll put this on, too.” But Alex was staring at his crotch again, eye level now that he stood by the car… where were they going again? What time was it? He didn’t know and didn’t care, just as long as Jamie got into his car and smiled at him one more time. “See?” Jamie asked, pulling on the mesh shirt. He stepped away from the car and spun around, showing off. The tank top was tucked into those tight leather pants and the mesh shirt barely came to his waist — when he wiggled his hips, Alex was glad his pants weren’t tight or Jamie would be able to see just how turned on he was getting by looking at him. Damn. “Well?” Jamie asked, leaning into the car again. “Can I?”
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“Can you what?” Alex couldn’t remember what they were talking about, but right now? Anything Jamie wanted, he could have. Alex would see to that. Jamie sighed, exasperated, and rolled his eyes. “Can I drive?” Alex grinned at the eagerness that shone across his face. Why the hell not? “Sure,” he said, getting out of the car. Jamie laughed and slid across the hood like a movie stunt man, his leather pants squeaking along the paint. “Can you even sit in those things?” Jamie winked at him. “I like tight pants,” he said, easing an arm around Alex’s waist. For a breathless moment Alex watched Jamie lean closer, and he thought maybe Jamie would try something, a kiss, a hug, something, and he wanted that more than anything else right this second. But then Jamie’s hand closed over the door handle and Alex stepped back as he opened the door. “They rub against you,” Jamie said, talking about his pants, “and keep you hard all day long.” He grinned at Alex. “But I don’t need them to turn me on today.” “Why not today?” Alex asked before he realized Jamie meant that being with him would be enough, would keep him hard. God. “Never mind.” “You should wear tight pants some time,” Jamie said. “You have a great ass.” And suddenly a hand curved around Alex’s buttocks, slipping between his legs and rubbing gently, fingers touching hidden flesh that Alex didn’t remember feeling this good when touched so lightly. He gasped and for a brief moment pressed into Jamie’s palm, wanting more, wanting so much more… But then he spun out of Jamie’s reach and took a deep, shaky breath to steady himself. “Jamie,” he started, unsure of what he wanted to say. Please was all that came to mind and that wouldn’t work, no matter how much he wanted Jamie to keep touching him and never stop. “Jesus,” he whispered. Was that a prayer or a curse? “Sorry,” Jamie muttered as he slid behind the wheel. The frown was back, darkening his brow like storm clouds in a summer sky. “It’s okay,” Alex managed. He edged around the car unsteadily, all too aware of Jamie’s gaze on his body, his legs, his arms, his butt. It was going to be a long day; he just knew it. *** “Jamie,” Alex warned as the car veered around a tight corner. “Slow down.” In the driver’s seat, Jamie laughed, one hand on the wheel while the other fiddled with the radio. “Don’t worry,” he said, swerving back onto the road. “You sound like my mother. I can drive, Alex.” “But how well?” Alex wanted to know. Conflict of Interest - 45
Jamie grinned at him and placed a hand on his knee, which Alex promptly brushed away. “Both hands on the wheel, please. You’re going to get us killed.” Jamie laughed again. “What a way to go, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to think about it.” Right now Alex just wanted to get to work. The minute they were out of the car, he would pluck the keys from Jamie’s hands and that was it, he’d let Jamie drive once and that was the end of it, never again. “You’re going too fast.” “I am not,” Jamie replied, hitting the accelerator. As they turned into the radio station’s parking lot, Alex swore he sped up, and the back tire clipped the curb. “This the place?” “Yeah.” Alex wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs and prayed they made it into a parking spot without hitting another vehicle. An empty spot with no one around for miles, he thought, scanning the parking lot. So he can’t hit anyone. Please — “Fuck!” Jamie slammed on the brakes, throwing Alex forward, his seatbelt cutting into his chest painfully. Before Alex could recover, Jamie was already leaning out the window, shouting obscenities. “Fucking asshole! I’m driving here! Get the fuck outta my way.” Alex looked up and saw Saundra glaring at them from the crosswalk, talking into her cell phone. Oh shit. He covered his face with his hands. “Jamie, please,” he whispered. “That’s my boss.” “I don’t give a fuck who she is,” Jamie snapped. He spoke so loud, Alex knew Saundra could hear every word. “She needs to get her fat ass off the street.” “How about we stop with the cussing, okay?” Alex asked softly. “Just park the car.” Something in Alex’s voice made Jamie frown. “All I’m saying…” “Just stop it, Jamie. Please?” Suddenly Alex didn’t want to get out of the car. He wanted to turn around and go home, drop Jamie off at the shelter, and forget the radio station, the drive, the fact that Saundra stood there waiting, watching… Alex just knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. Sweet Jesus. Jamie eased the car into a parking spot, stepping on the brakes again when the front tires hit the curb. With a weary sigh, Alex glanced at the clock. It’s not even eight o’clock yet. Shit, can we just start all over? Please? Jamie yanked up the parking brake hard and cut off the engine. “Alex, I’m sorry,” he said, glaring through the windshield at Saundra. “I didn’t know —” “It’s okay.” Alex forced a smile, hoping to get one in return, but Jamie’s pout only deepened. “It’s okay, really. Just… just give me the keys.” Jamie dropped them into Alex’s open palm. “It’s okay,” he whispered again, closing his fingers over Jamie’s before the he could pull his hand away. Conflict of Interest - 46
“I’m sorry,” Jamie muttered, not meeting Alex’s eyes.
Look at me, Alex wanted to say, but didn’t. Jamie climbed out of the car and slammed the
door shut behind him. With another sigh, Alex got out of the car as well.
Saundra clicked off her cell phone and started toward them. “Come here, Jamie,” Alex said
quietly, bracing himself for whatever his boss had to say.
As Jamie stepped around the car, Alex caught his wrist. “Keep quiet,” he added as Saundra
approached. The last thing he needed now was for the two of them to fight.
“So,” Saundra said, scowling at Jamie’s outfit. “This is Jamie. The shelter kid?”
“Fuck off,” Jamie growled.
Alex closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “Jamie,” he sighed. “Saundra? I’m sorry.”
For a moment Saundra didn’t say anything, and then she turned away. “You let him drive
your car?” she asked, as if that was the stupidest thing she’d ever heard. “Does he even have
a license?”
Alex opened his mouth to respond, but stopped. Did he…? He turned a questioning look at
Jamie, who stared at the ground as he scuffed his shoes against the car’s tire. “Jamie?”
Jamie shrugged, and Alex sighed. “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”
“You didn’t ask,” Jamie replied, twisting his arm in Alex’s grip until his hand held Alex’s
own. “I would’ve told you —”
“Never mind,” Alex said, shaking his hand free from Jamie’s. “Come on.”
He led the way to the front door, heading after Saundra. Did I already say that today would
suck? he wondered as he heard Jamie kick the tire once, hard, before following him.
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Chapter 11 “Keep an eye on him,” Saundra said as she opened the door to the radio station. She frowned over her shoulder, and Alex wondered if she would smile at all today. “If he steals anything —” “I ain’t gonna steal shit,” Jamie muttered. Alex sighed. And they’re off. Pushing through the door, Saundra continued as if Jamie hadn’t said a word. “It’s coming out of your pay,” she reminded Alex. “He isn’t going to steal anything.” Alex stepped into the lobby of the station behind his boss and jumped when Jamie slammed the door. “Jamie —” “What the hell’s her problem?” Jamie growled, throwing himself down onto one of the leather sofas that graced the receptionist area. “I ain’t a thief.” “Jamie,” Alex warned. Is it too much to ask that they both just cut it out? he wondered, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Please, keep quiet.” With an exasperated sigh, Jamie began, “I’m not —” “Please.” Alex pinched his nose until his eyes watered and wished the day was over already. “Just please.” “Fine.” Jamie crossed his arms and glared around the room, fuming. At the receptionist desk, Saundra riffled through a pile of messages waiting for her. “Listen,” he said, lowering his voice so Jamie wouldn’t overhear, “I know things started out bad but he’s a good kid, really. Can you just give him a chance? He’s —” “He almost ran me over,” Saundra said, not looking up at him. “He didn’t mean to —” Alex tried again. But Saundra just shook her head. “He’s your charity case, Hitchner, not mine. I’m not going to entertain him today, do you hear me? I don’t think this was such a good idea and I sure as hell don’t want him in the way. You keep him in the FX studio. I’ll give you some tapes to play with, but I have ad clients coming in at noon and I don’t want them to think this place is crawling with punks like him.” “He’s not a punk,” Alex muttered. Couldn’t she just open her eyes and see past the cocky attitude and the street clothes to the Jamie he knew existed inside? Apparently not. She looked over at Jamie, who watched them closely, and her dour expression didn’t even soften. “He looks like a hustler, Alex, like you just stopped the car and picked up the first pretty boy you saw. You sure he’s from the shelter? Or are you paying him to be here?” Conflict of Interest - 48
Anger flashed through Alex. A hooker… paying him? Alex stared at his boss in disbelief. Fuck you, Saundra. Jamie was right. Fuck you. Before his thoughts could become words, he turned away. “Come on, Jamie,” he called, setting a furious pace as he stormed down the hall to the back studio. Jamie ran up behind him. “She’s an ass,” he said softly, walking so close that Alex could feel his shoulder bump his back with each step they took. At the door to the FX studio, Alex stopped and fumbled with the key. During the summer months, Saundra preferred to keep unoccupied studios locked so none of the interns could wander around the control booths unsupervised. The woman had serious trust issues. As Alex slid the key into the lock, Jamie leaned against the door frame and studied him, one hand on his hip. Finally he ran a finger down Alex’s arm and whispered, “You’re mad at me.” “I’m not mad,” Alex replied. “You sure?” Jamie asked as the door popped open. Alex stepped inside and flicked on the light. The sound booth was smaller than the main studio used by the radio DJs, but he could work back here. Remix the tapes Saundra had, maybe see if Jamie wanted to record anything, show him how things ran on the other side of the radio dial… And it’s just the two of us again, his mind whispered as Jamie closed the door. Suddenly the room was too small, and Jamie was so close again, his hand hovering somewhere behind Alex as he waited for an answer. Alex looked into those deep blue eyes filled with sadness and confusion and pain, and sighed. Fuck you, Saundra, he thought again, turning away. You can’t see this side of him. I’m sorry but this is the real Jamie. This is the guy I know, the one I — He wouldn’t think it. Even to himself he wouldn’t think it. He couldn’t. “I’m sure,” he said, forcing a grin. Jamie smiled back like the sun. Laughing, Alex added, “You make the day brighter when you do that.” Jamie’s smile slipped a notch. “Do what?” “Smile like that.” Busying himself with the tapes, Alex cleared his throat and admitted, “You’ve got a wonderful smile.” He didn’t expect a reply. But in a small voice Jamie whispered, “No one’s ever said that to me before.” “It’s the truth,” Alex said. Now that the words were spoken, it was easier to keep talking about it. As if I don’t mean anything by it, he mused. As if I don’t want to see that smile every morning for the rest of my life, every night before I go to bed. “Now that you know, Conflict of Interest - 49
will you smile more often? For me?” “For you,” Jamie replied. In the mirrored glass above the control panel Alex could see the thin blush coloring Jamie’s cheeks as he grinned. *** Alex worked as a sound engineer; most of his day was spent fiddling around with the silly effects, snippets of songs, and ad campaigns that the DJs used on the cheesy morning show. Showing Jamie how to access the station’s extensive database of sounds, Alex leaned over the back of Jamie’s chair as his friend fiddled with the synthesizer controls. “What’s this one do?” he asked as he turned a large dial, and suddenly the window in front of them shook as a deep bass beat pumped out low from the speakers. “Damn,” he muttered, turning it back down to a reasonable level. Alex laughed. He found himself looking at the smooth flesh of Jamie’s cheek and the faint downy hairs that curved around his jaw, light and barely noticeable, but there. He wanted to stroke that peachy fuzz with the back of his finger, just to see how it would feel beneath his skin. This close he could see the tiny pinprick in Jamie’s earlobe where he had pierced his ears once, but Alex didn’t remember ever seeing him wearing any jewelry except the gold, herringbone chain around his neck. He can’t afford jewelry, Alex reminded himself. “How about this thing?” Jamie asked, easing up the equalizer sliders. He cocked his head to one side, listening to the music until he could distinguish the change in tone, and then he flipped the switch back. “Cool.” Leaning closer, Alex crossed his arms behind Jamie’s shoulders and felt the mesh T-shirt press into his skin. Part of him wished the shirt was gone and Jamie wore only the tank top, because then he would feel the warmth of Jamie’s back and shoulders spread along his arms. He dared to rub the corner of Jamie’s shirt with his fingers, smoothing it down where the fabric curled slightly. “You having a good time?” he asked softly. Jamie looked up at him, grinning. “I want to work at a radio station. Something hip-hop, though, not country. And not with that bitch you work for.” “Saundra isn’t so bad,” Alex offered. Jamie merely shrugged, losing interest in the conversation. Alex watched him fiddle with the dials and faders a few minutes more before he pointed to a knob near the top of the panel. “What do you think this one does?” Alex wondered aloud. Eagerly Jamie turned the knob, listening as the voices singing on the tape increased in pitch, higher and higher the further the knob twisted. Laughing, Jamie clapped his hands and sank back in his chair, leaning his head against Alex’s shoulder. “They sound like chipmunks,” he snickered It’d be so easy to lean forward and kiss him now, wouldn’t it? Alex mused. Just lean a little closer, let his tongue lick out to taste that smooth upper lip, just dampen it a bit … Jamie sat there watching him, lips parted in a breathless sigh, eyes wide and staring at Alex’s lips. As he leaned closer still those eyes slipped shut in anticipation. Alex felt his heart pound in his Conflict of Interest - 50
throat as he let his own eyes close, and he could taste Jamie’s moist breath, he could smell Jamie’s clean scent, and those soft curls brushed against his ear as Jamie sat up a little, wanting him, wanting this, wanting it now — Behind them the door opened. “Alex, I’ve got…” Alex jerked back as Saundra entered the room. His boss frowned at Jamie sitting at the control panel. “I want you to take a look at this.” “Sure.” Alex said, a little too quickly, running a hand through his hair. Almost out of spite, he pressed his lips together. I can’t do this to Jamie, he thought, his mind racing over the implications of what might have just happened. I can’t do this to myself, and sure as hell not to him. We were that close. Another second I’d know what those lips taste like, I’d feel his hand on my cheek and his tongue in my mouth and what the hell is Saundra doing here again? I should’ve locked the door. I should’ve… God, he was losing it. Jamie looked at him, confusion and desire warring on his face, and Alex forced a smile for his sake. “Come on,” he said gently, “get up.” Standing, Jamie backed away from the console like a wary alley cat as Saundra sat down. “You hungry?” Alex asked. He didn’t know what Saundra had seen, if anything — you didn’t do anything, his mind whispered, but he didn’t want any comments about how he brought the guy into the station just to make out at work, and right now he thought maybe Jamie shouldn’t be in this tiny room with Saundra. Who knew what could be said? When Jamie shrugged, Alex said, “There’s a break room down the hall. A few snack machines there, if you’re interested.” “I don’t have any money,” Jamie admitted softly. “Of course you don’t,” Saundra laughed, her back to them as she loaded a program onto the studio’s computer. “That’s why you like Alex. He has plenty of money, doesn’t he?” “Fuck off.” Jamie glared at her with a look akin to pure hatred, and before Alex could stop him, he flipped her off. “I saw that,” Saundra said, raising her gaze to meet Jamie’s in the mirrored glass. “Don’t think I didn’t.” “Don’t think I fucking care,” Jamie replied. Quickly Alex stepped between them. Handing Jamie a dollar, he said, “Here. Get something to snack on, okay?” As Jamie frowned at him, Alex lowered his voice. “She won’t be here long.” When Jamie left the room, Alex leaned down in front of Saundra, blocking the computer screen from her view. “What the hell’s your problem?” he wanted to know. “He’s just a kid.”
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“He’s eighteen, isn’t he?” Saundra countered. She pushed Alex aside and concentrated on the screen as she brought up the splicing program they used to mix tapes. “That’s a little old to be acting so childish, don’t you think?” Alex sighed. “Saundra, you don’t understand —” “We’ve got work to do here, okay?” Saundra asked, interrupting him. For the first time since entering the room, she looked at Alex, thinly veiled hostility shining in her eyes. Alex bit his lip to keep from saying anything mean. She’s my boss, he reminded himself. Bringing Jamie here was a bad idea, and I can’t change her opinion if she’s bent on hating him, but she’s my boss and I have to keep that in mind. This isn’t worth losing my job over. Saundra will never see Jamie the way I do. She refuses to, and nothing I say or do will fix that. “Let me show you what I want you to do with this tape,” Saundra was saying, and Alex felt his face harden into a mask of professionalism as he turned toward the computer screen. “Just separate the tracks on it, will you? Stop thinking about your boy toy for a minute and —” “Saundra,” Alex warned. “I’m sick of comments like that. You don’t know a thing about him.” “And I don’t want to,” Saundra replied. Softly Alex said, “Then that’s your loss.” The crinkle of plastic preceded Jamie into the studio. Between his teeth, a package of snacks made a vicious sound as he tore it open. Relieved for the distraction, Alex asked, “What did you buy?” Jamie came around Saundra to stand by Alex. “Twinkies.” Before Alex could reply, he stuck his hand in the front pocket of Alex’s pants. For a brief second his fingers brushed against Alex’s lower abdomen, tickling hidden flesh and making him hard in an instant. Who needs tight pants to stay aroused all day? Alex wondered as Jamie dropped the change into his pocket. Just touch me there, Jamie, that’s all I need. But then Jamie pulled his hand away and plopped down on a loveseat stretched across the back wall of the sound booth. He crossed one leg over the other, his foot on his knee, giving Alex a good look at his crotch, and suddenly Alex was glad Saundra was there, if only to keep him from doing something he’d regret. Biting into a Twinkie, Jamie licked at the white filling and winked at him. “I like the cream,” he said, a hint of a smile on his face. “I could live off Twinkies alone. What about you, Alex? Don’t you like the white cream inside?” “We’re working here,” Saundra warned. Alex turned away, but could still see Jamie’s grin reflected in the mirrored glass, those dark eyes staring at him as he licked the cream from his lips, and Alex couldn’t help but smile back. Conflict of Interest - 52
Chapter 12 When Jamie climbed into the passenger side of Alex’s car at the end of the day, he stared at the building that housed the radio station with a slight frown on his face. “I thought I told you to smile more,” Alex admonished, hoping to elicit a grin from his friend. It worked. Jamie turned to him with a faint smile. “I’m sorry.” “Did you have a good time?” Alex started the engine and backed out of the parking spot, cringing as the bottom of the bumper scraped the curb when he pulled away. “I know it’s not one of your clubs —” “I had fun.” Jamie picked at a tiny hole in the seat cover and frowned at the threads that came loose in his fingers. “I want to do this every day. Not so much the mixing stuff, and I can do without that bitch, Saundra, but coming here with you and talking and just hanging out — that was fun. More fun than the clubs.” Alex laughed at that. “You’re just being nice,” he said, but part of him wondered if Jamie was serious. He glanced over, but Jamie wasn’t looking at him. Does today have to end so soon? he wondered. Sure, they got off to a shaky start, but once Saundra left them alone, the hours flew by, Jamie’s laughing eyes and quick wit keeping a grin on Alex’s face. Not to mention you love being with him… It was true. Jamie turned him on in the worst way — he’d never met someone like him, so intoxicating, so open, so damn sexual in every little thing he did. Even now, just sitting beside him, Alex watched him from the corner of one eye and it was there, in the curve of Jamie’s neck, the way he ducked his head, his bitten nails and bright eyes and long lashes, the curls that hugged his scalp and the way he sat, his legs sprawled open as if he knew what he had and he wanted to show the world. Does it really have to end at all? “What’s on your mind?” Alex asked gently. Jamie shrugged. “I don’t want to go back just yet,” he whispered. “I mean, I know you’re probably sick of me, but I just… I don’t want to go back yet.” “You don’t have to.” When Jamie looked up, Alex gave him a reassuring smile. “Actually, I was thinking dinner and a movie. You still owe me a film, remember? You couldn’t decide on one last night.” “Yeah,” Jamie breathed, grinning. “That’s cool.” “You think so?” When Jamie nodded, Alex laughed. “Then it’s a date. What do you feel like eating?” Jamie giggled and raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Food, Jamie. How about Chinese?” Jamie laughed again, and Alex rolled his eyes. “Don’t even,” Alex warned. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s the lamest joke, Jamie. Please don’t say it. Please.” Covering his mouth with the back of his hand to smother his giggles, Jamie sighed, “Chinese is fine. Can we order it to go? Maybe go back to your place and, I don’t know, just watch something there?” Conflict of Interest - 53
Alex shrugged. “Why not?” “Cool,” Jamie sighed. Softly, he whispered, “I had fun today, Alex. Thanks.” “I had fun, too.” Alex concentrated on the road and the traffic, and tried to ignore the thoughtful look on Jamie’s face as he watched him drive. *** Back at Alex’s apartment, Jamie sat on the floor in the living room, a paper plate overflowing with lo mein and rice juggled precariously in one hand as he shoveled food into his mouth with the other. He sat back against the couch, gaze riveted to the TV screen where Alex had turned on the latest Star Wars film because Jamie told him he hadn’t seen it yet. Alex sat on the couch beside him, watching Jamie watch TV and wondering what it would feel like to touch the smooth skin along Jamie’s neck, just below where his curls stopped. At some point before dinner, he’d discarded the mesh T-shirt, and his tank top hung low along his neck, exposing more skin that Alex ached to touch. What if I just reached out and ran my thumb along the back of his neck? he wondered as he ate. Just a little touch. I could say I was brushing away a piece of lint, fuzz, a hair, and then I’d know if he’s really as soft as he looks. And warm, and smooth, and — Stop it. He forced himself to turn back to his plate full of rice. Shifting slightly, his leg brushed Jamie’s arm, and he smiled when Jamie glanced up at him, a questioning look in his eyes. “Sorry,” he mumbled. For touching you, for thinking of touching you, for wanting you so bad, Jamie, I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry because I can’t have you and God, right now I’d give anything for just a little kiss, just a tender moment. I’d give the world, but I can’t give in, so I’m sorry. “‘S’okay,” Jamie replied. He scrambled to his feet and then sat on the couch beside Alex, dangerously close… too close. The whole expanse of the couch stretched out and he just had to lean onto Alex as he pulled one leg up beneath him, grinning as his body pressed into Alex’s for a brief moment. When he was situated, he turned and leaned against Alex’s shoulder, and his skin was smooth and soft where it touched Alex’s arm. “This is much more comfortable,” Jamie declared, settling back against him. Alex moved his arm and Jamie snuggled up to him. Suddenly Alex didn’t know where to put his hand. It was beside Jamie’s hip at an awkward angle and it would be so easy to just rest it against Jamie’s thigh, or curl his arm around Jamie’s waist, but then he’d be just inches from the bulge in Jamie’s pants and God help him, how could he possibly extract himself from this position without offending the kid? “Jamie…” Setting his plate down on the coffee table, Jamie took Alex’s hand in both of his. “You want me to move?” he asked with a frown as he leaned back and looked up at Alex.
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His head rested on Alex’s shoulder — it’d be so damn easy to kiss him now, to lean forward like he’d wanted to at the station and just kiss the guy already, curve his arm around Jamie’s waist in a sudden embrace and pull Jamie close. But why stop there? Why not take him upstairs, let him stay the night? Why not let him in? Because… Jamie’s wide eyes and full lips held him fascinated, and suddenly he couldn’t think of one reason why he shouldn’t kiss him, why kissing him would be a bad thing. He’d taste sweet like the sweet and sour chicken he just ate, and tangy from the soy sauce, and the oil from the egg roll would make his shiny lips slippery and leave Alex a little breathless. He could already feel the way his tongue would slide easily between those lips, he could hear Jamie’s sharp intake of breath — when had he gotten so close? Mere inches away and leaning closer, closer… “Jamie,” Alex sighed. Then he stood up quickly, retrieving Jamie’s plate from the coffee table. Jamie fell back into his empty seat and pouted as he watched Alex clean up their dinner. “Did you have enough to eat?” “I want dessert,” Jamie replied. Alex felt his cheeks heat up at the suggestion he heard in his friend’s voice, but he ignored it. With a sigh, Jamie rolled onto his side and propped his head up with his hand, still pouting. He watched as Alex busied himself with cleaning up the takeout boxes scattered across the table. “Can I ask you something?” No, Alex wanted to say. He didn’t want to know what it was Jamie wanted to ask, because he suspected it had something to do with his sudden interest in clearing the table and what would he say if Jamie asked him why he didn’t want to kiss? Because you’re saving those kisses, remember? he’d say. Because if you give them to me, then it means you’re feeling something more for me than you’ve ever felt for anyone else before and I have to admit that scares me a little, Jamie. Because I’m thinking I might feel the same way and I can’t. I just can’t. Those words festered inside him, unspoken. Alex forced an easy shrug and hoped his voice sounded unaffected when he replied, “Sure.” In a quiet voice Jamie asked, “Why can’t you like me?” Shit. “I do like you,” Alex said, keeping his gaze on the table. He wouldn’t look at Jamie and see that pout, he wouldn’t. But Jamie sighed. “I know you do. I see it in your eyes. In your hands when you touch me, and in your voice when you speak. But there’s something in you that doesn’t like me very much at all.” “That’s not true —” “Then why can’t you like me?” Jamie persisted. “You look at me like I’ve always dreamed Conflict of Interest - 55
of being looked at, like somehow you’re seeing inside me, but you won’t…” Jamie sighed again, and Alex blinked to clear the tears from his eyes. How perceptive was this kid? Or were his emotions that easily read? Jesus. “I’ve tried everything I know, Alex, every way I can imagine to get you to touch me like I know you want to, like we both want you to, and you keep pushing me away. Why can’t you just —” “I can’t,” Alex said quickly, cutting him off. He tried to stand, hands full of trash, but the take-out containers tumbled from his arms and fell, splattering rice and noodles along the wooden tabletop. “Fuck,” he muttered, upset that he was letting Jamie get to him like this, upset that they were even having this conversation because now it was out in the open, now he knew Jamie wanted him, too, and how could they possibly carry on after tonight? How could they still be friends if they both knew they wanted so much more? “I just can’t.” “Is it because of the clubs?” Jamie’s words came out in a rush. “Because I meant what I said. If you were my boy, I wouldn’t go out anymore. I wouldn’t. Since we met I just went out that one time, and I didn’t really do anything then, nothing. I started to and all I could think of was you and I couldn’t go through with it. I just couldn’t.” Alex rubbed his temple wearily. “It’s not the clubs,” he admitted. Did they have to do this? Right now? But he didn’t do anything that night, his mind whispered, and Alex’s heart soared at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was getting through to Jamie after all. And that’s why you can’t give in, because he’s learning from you and you can’t violate that relationship, you can’t just take advantage of that. Alex bit his lower lip and looked at Jamie, those earnest eyes begging him to please give in, please. With a shaky sigh, he tried to explain. “This program, the Youth Outreach thing, it’s like…” He sighed again. What the fuck did he want to say? You don’t know because you don’t believe it anymore. He says he wants you, he’s practically begging you to take him in your arms and smother him with kisses, he’s watching you, waiting, and you can’t think of any reasons why you shouldn’t have him. Not when you both want it… “It’s like I’m supposed to be your brother, or mentor, or teacher,” Alex whispered, “and I can’t — I just can’t use you like that, Jamie. If I’m supposed to be helping you, and you need my help, and if I hit on you or touch you or kiss you —” Like I so badly want to, he added silently — “then I’m just taking advantage of that. I’m using you and I can’t let myself do that.” “You’re not using me if I want it, too,” Jamie replied. “Jamie.” Alex started gathering the trash together again. He was right; he knew he was right. There were reasons why teachers didn’t get involved with their students, why doctors never Conflict of Interest - 56
mingled with their patients. Only he’s not a student or a patient, his mind whispered. He’s just a lonely kid who’s fallen for you, and damn it, Alex, but you’ve fallen for him, too. Can’t you admit it? Even to yourself? Suddenly Jamie was on his knees beside Alex, knocking away the plates and the take-out containers and the soda cans. He took both of Alex’s hands in his as he pulled the man down close. “Look at me,” he commanded. Alex raised his eyes until he stared into Jamie’s, that blue gaze threatening to drown him. Jamie leaned closer, closer, and when Alex tried to pull away, Jamie held onto his hands tightly and admonished, “Don’t. God, Alex, please don’t. I just want to — please…” Alex turned his head at the last possible minute, and Jamie’s lips brushed against his cheek. Like velvet, he thought fleetingly. Soft like velvet and God… “I can’t,” he whispered again, shaking his hands free from Jamie’s grip and rising to his feet. He closed his eyes and pressed his thumbs against his eyelids until the world exploded in a bright red darkness. “Come on,” he sighed. “I’ll take you back.” At his feet Jamie sniffed loudly, once, and then sighed. “Fine.” Fine. Alex sighed. If I’m doing the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?
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Chapter 13 An awkward silence filled the car on the way back to the shelter. Alex stared at the dark, half-empty streets and wondered what he could possibly say to get Jamie to talk to him again. Fine… the word echoed in his mind, and Jamie hadn’t looked at him when he stood up, or when he helped Alex clean the table, and he hadn’t said another word. Not I’m sorry, not let’s forget about this, not look Alex, can’t we just be friends? Just fine, that was it, and Alex wanted to shout at him, piss him off, get him angry enough to yell back because at least then he wouldn’t be so quiet, and there wouldn’t be that desperation in his eyes that Alex didn’t like one bit. But what could he possibly say to get Jamie to talk to him again, to see that sunshine smile light up the night and his life once more? It would be so easy, he told himself as he drove, Jamie sulking and silent beside him. Just rest my hand on his knee until he looks at me and tell him I’m sorry. Blow off the whole Youth Outreach thing and tell him he’s right, I do want him, I want him so badly and in so many ways, and I want him more than anyone has ever wanted him before. I think I love him, and what would he say if I told him that? Would he still be mad? Or would he take my hand in his and tell me he loves me, too? And would he kiss me again? I wouldn’t pull away if he did. The shelter loomed into view as Alex turned down Main, and he stopped at the curb in front of the empty courtyard. Now’s your chance, he thought, putting the car into park. But Father Nate trusted him with this kid — the program wasn’t a dating service or a matchmaker game; the priest wanted Jamie to realize there was more to life than sex and trusted Alex to show him that life. I can’t destroy that trust; that one thought kept Alex’s hands on the steering wheel, and the evening stretched out between them, each minute passing like a funeral procession, that somber, that slow. Finally Alex whispered, “Jamie…” Jamie pushed open the car door and climbed out without a word. The car shook as he slammed the door shut. Alex watched as he stalked away, heading for the shelter, his shoulders hunched and head down. He looks so defeated, Alex thought with a sigh. And I did that to him. Me. He told me he wanted me, and I turned him away. God, how stupid can I be? I want him — fuck the program, fuck everything, I want him. He cut off the car and opened the door, ready to run after Jamie, to apologize and tell him to come back, stay with him tonight, he was wrong — But Jamie disappeared into the shelter, the sound of the door banging shut echoing away into the night, and it was too late. Alex closed his door and started the car. Maybe it was too late; maybe it had always been too late. He headed home, his mind spinning out in a whirl. Father Nate told him Jamie simply needed a friend. Not a lover, he reminded himself, not someone to fuck. Just a friend. Which is what I’ve been, hard as he’s made it. I haven’t touched him, and I thought I did a good job of hiding my feelings, but I guess I was wrong. And if he’s known all along the effect he has on me, maybe I haven’t been such a good friend, after all.
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He thought about all the times Jamie smiled or winked at him, touched himself and tried desperately to get Alex to touch him, too, or flirt back. The coy way he grinned, the suggestion in his voice, the way — Don’t do this to yourself, Alex warned, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t forget the way Jamie’s lips felt as they pressed against his neck the other night while he was cooking, or the way they brushed along his cheek tonight, soft and delicate like rose petals. He couldn’t deny the warmth of Jamie’s hands in his, or ignore the tears shining unshed in his eyes as they got into the car. I can’t do this anymore. I’m killing both of us — me with my need and him because he needs so much more. He needs someone to love him, and I just can’t do it. That wasn’t part of the program. He had to talk with Father Nate. By the time he pulled up in front of his apartment, he knew he had to call the priest in the morning. He couldn’t do this anymore. *** The next morning, the first thing Alex did upon waking was fumble for the phone and dial Saundra’s number, before he even rolled out of bed. “I can’t come in today,” he said simply. “I’ve got something to do.” For a moment he listened to Saundra breathe into the phone. He could hear the anger in her silence, but Alex didn’t care. Just as he was about to hang up, Saundra replied, “Fine.” Then a dial tone filled his ear and Alex pushed the Phone button, clicking the cordless off. He waited until after his shower to call the shelter. “It’s me,” he said as he zipped up his jeans. “Alex.” “Hello there,” Father Nate replied warmly. “Jamie’s eating breakfast, if you want me to get him for you —” “No,” Alex said, a little too quickly. “I need to talk to you, actually. About Jamie. Are you busy right now?” Father Nate sighed, and Alex didn’t like that sound, not one bit. “Sure,” he said. “Let me get to my office —” “In person,” Alex interrupted. He didn’t want to do this over the phone — it was too impersonal that way, too easy, and nothing about this program had been easy so far, had it? “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay? Do you have time?” “Sure,” the priest said again. Alex dropped the phone into its cradle and sighed. Ten minutes and it’ll all be over. So why did he feel sick all of a sudden? Why did his heart hurt and his stomach churn if he was doing what he knew was right? *** Alex saw Jamie shooting hoops as he pulled to a stop outside the shelter. Jamie’s gaze Conflict of Interest - 59
followed him past the courtyard; he glanced up and saw a faint frown on Jamie’s face that wrinkled his brow and darkened his eyes. Slowly he dribbled the basketball, ignoring the other kids playing with him as he watched Alex, waiting. Please, Alex prayed silently, don’t make this any harder than it already is. But Jamie still wasn’t talking to him and just watched sullenly as Alex hurried up the steps and into the shelter. Please, he thought again, wondering what it was he wanted. This morning he thought he knew, and he should’ve taken the easy way out, told Nate over the phone that he wanted to quit the program and he would’ve never had to see Jamie again. But now here he was, and seeing Jamie filled him with doubts, made him wonder if he was really doing the right thing after all, and he hated the indecision that gnawed at him. Inside the shelter he blinked in the sudden dimness, and then Father Nate was at his side, worry written across the priest’s face because he knew what Alex was here for… somehow the man just knew. “My office,” he said. Alex nodded and followed the priest down the brightly painted hall to the tiny room at the end. The desk still overflowed with paper, the two chairs still sat in the same position they had been in a week before when Alex first stepped into this place. It was here he first saw Jamie, here where he lost his heart and soul and mind to a boy he shouldn’t love. Clearing his throat, Nate frowned at him. “Jamie’s come a long way, Alex. Thanks to you.” “God.” Alex looked around the room and tried to avoid the priest’s steady gaze, but he couldn’t. Meeting those compassionate eyes, he tried to gather his thoughts together, but all he saw was Jamie’s pout, the one he wanted to kiss away. “Nate, I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” “Do what?” Father Nate asked, confused. “I can’t be in the program anymore,” he whispered. Before the priest could reply, Alex hurried on. “I thought I was supposed to be the adult here. I thought I was supposed to be the one he could look up to, the one he could trust. But I can’t be that, not when just looking at him fills me with lust and desire and I simply can’t do it anymore.” “Alex,” the priest began carefully, “this isn’t a mentor program per se. It’s a way to harness friendships, a way to show the kids in here how good life can be without the streets and the drugs and the clubs. You’ve done a marvelous job at showing Jamie that —” But Alex shook his head. “I don’t know what you were thinking when you put us together,” he said, talking over the priest. “You knew how he was; he oozes sex from every pore and you knew only a saint could keep from falling for him, and God, Nate, I’m not a saint. I’m far from it.” “You don’t have to be,” Father Nate replied. “You just need to be his friend —” “I have been,” Alex said. “But I can’t do it anymore. I want more from him and I know it’s wrong of me to want that. I’m supposed to be a big brother, or a teacher, or just a friend, and not…” Not a lover, he added silently. I’m not supposed to want what I want from him. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I hope you understand.”
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Father Nate sighed. Steepling his hands in front of him, he frowned at Alex. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.” “I have,” Alex said, nodding. It was better this way. It was. “And nothing I can say will change it,” the priest continued. Alex shook his head. “He doesn’t need someone like me. He needs someone who can look at him without wondering what he tastes like, or smells like, or feels like in my arms. You said he needed someone to show him there was more to life than sex, right? And I’ve tried, but God, I just can’t. I haven’t touched him, I swear it, but I’m afraid I can’t hold out much longer.” “I meant the clubs,” Father Nate said gently. “I meant the casual sex, Alex, not something born of love, not with someone who cares —” “I can’t,” Alex said stubbornly. “Jesus, can’t you see? I can’t do it, Nate. I just can’t.” He waited, sure the priest would argue with him. Part of him wanted to hear those arguments, wanted them to wear through his own reasoning and crush his defenses and prove to him that it was okay to love Jamie, it was right and it would work out, all of it would, if he only listened to his heart and let Jamie in. He wanted the priest to convince him that he was the one who was wrong, that Jamie needed him like he knew he did. Instead, Father Nate simply sighed again, and then turned away. “Okay.” Alex felt something in him die at that dismissal. It’s that simple? he wondered. Okay, it’s over and done with, it’s finished? The priest wasn’t finished. “You’ve talked this up to yourself,” he said, his tone accusatory, as if Alex had given into those desires that warred within him and had to be dismissed. “Nothing I say will dissuade you, is that it? You have an answer for everything and you’re sure you’re right.” With a shrug, Alex opened his mouth to argue, but what could he say? This was the right thing to do; it had to be. It wouldn’t hurt so much if it wasn’t. “Well, okay.” Father Nate gave Alex a nod so final, it felt absolute. “You want out of the program? Fine. You want to walk out this door and never look back? More power to you. But you’re the one who’s going to tell that boy you won’t be back, do you hear me? You’re going to tell him goodbye, not me.” He pinned Alex with a piercing look and waited for Alex’s assent before he added, “He’s outside.” As Alex rose from his chair, Nate added, “For what it’s worth, I hope you know that I don’t agree with you. Jamie needs someone who loves him right now, more than he needs anything else, and I think that someone could be you, but you’re just like him—stubborn and scared, and running away won’t change your feelings, Alex. It won’t make him disappear.”
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Leaving the priest behind his desk, Alex trudged into the hallway like a condemned man. God, how was he ever going to tell Jamie?
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Chapter 14 Alex found Jamie at the far end of the basketball court, shooting hoops by himself. Drifting over, he watched Jamie set up a perfect shot; the ball sailed effortlessly from his hands into the basket. “Hey,” he called out as he approached. Jamie glanced over at Alex as he retrieved the ball, the scowl still on his face. “I thought you had to work,” he said, dribbling back to the free throw line. He turned and aimed for the basket again, but when the ball left his hand Alex knew it was going to miss. It bounced off the rim of the hoop and fell to the ground. “Shit,” Jamie muttered, jogging over to catch the ball. “I had some things I had to do today.” Alex shoved his hands into his pockets and hated himself for what he was about to do. In the morning sun Jamie looked almost godlike, lithe and sexy in his tight jeans. He wore a hooded flannel shirt whose sleeves had been torn away and discarded, showing off freckled, ropy arms, and the buttons didn’t start until halfway down his torso. When he leaned over the shirt gaped open invitingly, giving Alex glimpses of the smooth chest beneath it, the hard stomach, the white boxers that peeked out above the waistband of his jeans. “I’m sorry about last night.” Slowly Jamie dribbled the ball, watching intently as it struck the black tarmac and then hit his hand, over and over again. “I’m sorry, too,” he said softly. Finally he looked up and grinned crookedly at Alex. “So that’s it? You took the day off to say you’re sorry? How’d that go over with Saundra?” With a sigh, Alex said, “I came to say goodbye.” Jamie frowned, catching the ball easily as it bounced up into his arms. “Goodbye?” he whispered. “What —” “I quit the program.” Suddenly the pain in Jamie’s eyes was too much to bear, and Alex turned away, studying the kids playing at the other end of the court. “I just can’t do it, Jamie. I can’t be who I’m supposed to be when you make me feel the way you do. I’m sorry.” “You’re sorry,” Jamie said, and Alex nodded. “Sorry.” For a minute Alex thought that would be it, Jamie wouldn’t say another word and he’d turn to leave, it would be over between them before it even got started, but then Jamie laughed. Surprised, Alex looked back at Jamie, his eyes bright and the sunshine in his face as he smiled. “So you’re not in the program anymore.” Alex shook his head. “Last night you said we couldn’t do shit because of that damn thing, and now you’re not in it.” Alex sighed. Jamie was taking it the wrong way, twisting the situation with his infallible logic. That wasn’t what he meant at all. “Jamie —” “So what’s keeping us from hooking up?” Jamie asked, hope ringing clear in his voice. “What’s stopping us now, Alex?” “You’re eighteen,” he replied. The anger came back again, clouding Jamie’s brow and pulling those full lips into a pretty pout. “Maybe in a few years, when you’re old enough to Conflict of Interest - 63
know what you want —” “I want you,” Jamie said simply. “And you want me, right? I know you do, Alex. I can fucking feel it every time we’re together. Don’t tell me you don’t feel it, too, because that’s a lie. I know you do, you have to. Don’t tell me —” “Jamie, please.” Alex swallowed against the tears that threatened to choke him. He felt it, all right. A heat warming through him like a wild fire, consuming everything in its path, consuming his very soul when he looked at this guy — he couldn’t deny it. But he couldn’t give in. If it hadn’t been for the program, they would’ve never met. And there was a part of him that thought maybe Jamie only liked him because of the program, because he was something different, someone new, and given time, Jamie would find himself back in the clubs, no matter what promises the kid made today. He said he’d give that up for you, his mind whispered, but Alex couldn’t listen to that. He just couldn’t. “You’re making this harder than it should be. I have to go —” “Fuck that,” Jamie cried. He pegged the basketball at Alex, hard, and it hit the fence behind him, mere inches from his shoulder. Red spots of anger colored Jamie’s cheeks, and his eyes were hard as the flecks of mica in the blacktop, winking in the sun. “You said you liked me,” he reminded Alex, his voice terse. “You said it wasn’t the program, it was me. Or didn’t you really mean it?” “I meant it,” Alex whispered. “But I can’t… I mean, it’s not right —” “Fuck right.” His face bunched with anger and he stepped closer, closing the distance between them. Alex backed up against the fence, trying to keep them apart. With a gentleness that belied his anger, Jamie reached out and brushed Alex’s cheek with his fingers. Alex cringed at the touch. “Jamie, no,” he whispered, pushing the tender hand away. “It’s better this way, believe me. I have to go.” “And you won’t be back.” It wasn’t a question, but Alex nodded anyway. This was it, this was the end, it was over — he wasn’t coming back. Jamie’s voice hardened. “Well, fuck you, then. Fuck you.” For a moment something flashed in those eyes and Alex thought Jamie’d kiss him anyway, just once. That would be enough to keep him here, that would be all that he needed to make him stay. He closed his eyes, so ready to apologize again. If Jamie kissed him, it would make everything all right and he’d say he was sorry, he’d promise Jamie the world for just one kiss… But Jamie shoved him into the fence as he stormed away and when Alex opened his eyes, he Conflict of Interest - 64
was gone. With a sigh he pushed away from the fence and staggered to his car. Gone. *** It was only eleven when Alex got back to his apartment, but the day seemed over already. There was nothing left he wanted to do. He felt drained and exhausted, and he thought he should at least go into the station for the afternoon, but he just didn’t feel up to it. So he dropped his keys on the coffee table as he passed through the living room and kicked off his shoes before heading upstairs. In his room he didn’t bother to cut on the light, just shucked off his jeans and tugged his shirt off over his head, dropping the clothes to the floor as he crawled between the cool sheets. Maybe I can just sleep the rest of my life away, he thought, staring at the ceiling. Suddenly the room around him was gray, the world drained of color. He didn’t think it was just the darkness trapped behind the curtains that cast such a pall on everything around him. Maybe I can forget this happened and when I wake up my life will be like it was before I met him, before I ever stepped foot into that shelter and found out someone like him even existed. But what had life been like before he met Jamie? Alex couldn’t remember. Was it always this dull, this gray pressing against him, cloying and hungry and sapping his energy away? How had he managed to get out of bed in the morning without the promise of seeing those bright blue eyes sparkle back at him? He’s right, he thought in the stillness of his room. There’s something between you two, something you can’t explain and something you’ll never forget, and now that it’s gone how can you live without it? Without him? Alex didn’t know. He didn’t think he wanted to know. Nate said he needed someone to love him. Jamie needed love so badly, he went looking for it in places it didn’t exist, the clubs and the streets and the greedy mouths of guys starved for affection, dying in back alleys and dingy bathrooms where they didn’t belong. And if he had someone to give him that love, that affection, that attention he so desperately needed, then he wouldn’t need the clubs or the alcohol or the boys to make it bearable anymore. Not if he had me. They both wanted it, didn’t they? Alex could still hear Jamie’s words from the night before. “I’ve tried everything I know, Alex, every way I can imagine to get you to touch me like I know you want to, like we both want you to, and you keep pushing me away.” The pain in those words, the hurt in those eyes… He put that there, because Jamie could see how he felt and he knew how Jamie felt for him, it was so obvious it made his whole body ache to think of it, and somehow he still managed to push the guy away. God, Jamie, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t let you in because I was supposed to be the one in control, the one you looked up to, and I couldn’t take advantage of that. I Conflict of Interest - 65
just couldn’t. But now he was out of the program. He’d told Nate he couldn’t do it anymore, and he told Jamie the same thing. He had to leave because it would hurt too much to stay. Eventually he’d break and he’d give in, he’d touch Jamie in a way he knew he shouldn’t, so he had to quit. It was the only way, wasn’t it? He had to do it. So now you’re free, he thought with a frown. His gaze wandered over the familiar objects in his room — an empty hanger on the knob of the closet, the mirror above his dresser that reflected back the ceiling, the window with its blinds pulled shut. He looked around as if looking for confirmation that he’d done the right thing, no matter what. In the end, he hoped Jamie remembered that. He’d done what he thought he had to do. He left — You ran away. His frown deepened. Had he? Just turned tail and took off? He hoped it didn’t look like that. There was something noble in his actions, there had to be. Quitting never hurt this bad. One day, years from now, Jamie would think back to him and realize just what this one unselfish act of his had done — Keep telling yourself that, a voice in him scoffed. But it doesn’t make this bed any less lonely, and Lord knows it doesn’t dull the pain. Just imagine what he’s feeling right this moment. Do you think he’s praising your restraint? Do you think you’re still the world to him? Alex’s gaze fell on the bandanna that still sat on his bedside table, folded into a square of blue. Without realizing it, he reached out and touched the soft, cottony fabric. So smooth beneath his touch. Well-worn and used. When he looked at it, he remembered that day in Jamie’s room at the shelter, the unbearable heat pressing down around him as he sat on the hard cot and watched Jamie make himself presentable. Those eyes, the same color as this cloth, they’d looked up at him with so much hope and promise — not just desire, but a hint of something more. Something eternal. Something his. You’re free from the program, his mind whispered. Why can’t you still be friends with him? Because you want something more? Well, what’s wrong with that? Hadn’t that been Jamie’s argument? He said there’s nothing keeping us apart now, and he’s right. I’m not in the program anymore. I can still be his friend. I can still be that and so much more. With a start Alex sat up in bed. I can love him now, he’s right, there’s nothing standing between us. God, how fucking stupid was I not to see that? I just have to call him up and say I’m sorry and tell him I want to see him again, that’s all, that’s it… He kicked the covers away and scrambled to his feet. One hand scooped up the bandanna and clenched it in a tight fist; the other knocked the phone out of the cradle and onto the floor. When he stooped to get it, he cracked his head on the leg of his bedside table. “Jesus Christ!” he swore, rubbing away the pain from his temple as he dialed the number to the Conflict of Interest - 66
shelter. Far away, the phone began to ring, and he sat down on the bed, praying for someone to answer. “Come on,” he begged softly. “Please just —” The phone clicked in his ear. “Hello? Nate?” “Alex?” Father Nate asked. The warm voice hardened. “You’re not telling him over the phone. I won’t let you.” “I already told him,” Alex whispered, “but I was wrong. You’re right, he needs someone to love him, and I need to talk to him again, I need to tell him I’m sorry… God, I know I was wrong. Not about the program but about him.” Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he asked, “Can I just talk to him for a minute? Tell him I’m sorry?” “Are you coming back?” the priest wanted to know. “Because I’m not going to let you play him like this. He needs someone who will be there for him, Alex. He needs —” “He needs me.” Now the words were out in the open, they were real, and it felt so good to admit them. “And I need him. So let me just talk to him. Please.” Father Nate sighed. “Hold on.” Alex heard him set the phone down. In the background he could hear children laughing, a television blaring through the shelter, sneakers squealing across the floor and a ball being tossed back and forth, the ping ping of table tennis. Jamie, please, Alex prayed, please come to the phone. Please… The phone scraped as someone picked it up, and then the priest said softly, “He’s not here.” Fuck. Alex squeezed his eyes shut. Don’t do this, Jamie, not again, not now. “Do you know where he is?” “No,” the priest replied. “But if he’s pissed, I’m guessing he’s gone out to blow off a little steam.” Alex knew exactly where Jamie went. The clubs. He sighed, a shaky sound that terrified him, because he wanted to rush out and save the guy but he didn’t know where to start looking. “Tell him I called,” he murmured. “Tell him to call me back. No matter what he thinks of me, I need to hear from him again, tonight, as soon as he gets in. Please?” “I’ll tell him,” Father Nate replied.
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Chapter 15 A little after four, Alex called the shelter again. “He’s not back yet,” Father Nate said. “I figured that.” Alex didn’t think Jamie was coming back, but knew he had to find him. “I called to see if maybe you could name a few places he might be.” Father Nate sighed, defeated. “You’re going to look for him?” “I have to,” Alex whispered. “Please. Ask the other kids. Just a few of the clubs, or the street they’re on, someplace to start.” “Okay,” Father Nate agreed. “I’ll call you back in an hour.” “Fifteen minutes,” Alex bartered. He didn’t want to wait any longer. What if Jamie did something they’d both regret? Pissed as he was, he might do anything. But he said he’d give those clubs up for me, and I plan on reminding him of that. He’s not going back to that scene. He won’t have to, not when he has me. But first he had to find Jamie. “That’s all I can spare.” “A half hour,” the priest countered. Alex sighed. “Fine. You have my cell number? Thirty minutes and I’m calling back if I don’t hear from you.” “You will,” Father Nate promised. Alex paced the floor of his small living room, willing the phone to ring, but it stayed silent. Absently he jingled his keys in one hand, ready to jump into the car and drive in all directions at once to find Jamie. As soon as I find him, he promised himself, I’m going to kiss him until my lips hurt and hold him so tight I won’t be able to breathe. I’ll tell him I’m sorry until he forgives me. Because I was stupid, but I’m finally listening and where the fuck IS he? He glanced at the clock — ten minutes had passed since he got off the phone with the shelter. Fuck. Blindly he kicked at one of the legs of the coffee table, a solid wooden structure that absorbed the impact easily. Angered, Alex kicked it again, harder. Where the hell can he be? At a club somewhere, his mind whispered. And who knows the clubs better than I do? Who knows where I might start looking? Dave. Alex tripped over the couch as he hurried to the phone to dial Dave’s work number.
“Antonio’s —”
“Dave?” Alex asked, cutting off the bored voice.
Suspiciously, his roommate asked, “Who’s this?”
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“Alex.” He took a deep breath. “Do you know any gay clubs that let in underage kids? The seedier the better. Any at all.” For a moment Dave didn’t reply, and Alex could almost see his friend’s frown in his mind’s eye, wondering if he was serious or if this was some kind of joke. Finally Dave answered in a slow, deliberate voice. “There are other ways to meet guys, man, if you’re looking for action. Like the classifieds, maybe —” “Fuck, Dave!” Alex cried, exasperated. “I’m looking for Jamie. My kid from the Youth Outreach program? He’s out there and I have to find him, please. You don’t understand—” “Calm down,” Dave replied. “I don’t hang out at those places, you know that. I go for the chicks. Legal ones.” Alex sighed. What seemed like a good idea two seconds ago had proved fruitless, and all he wanted to do was hang up the phone. “I just hoped maybe you knew someplace I could start to look.” Dave thought for a minute. “Try 17th Street. There are some wicked places down there. Go now, before it gets dark, and don’t get out of the car. Do you hear me? Lock the doors. Do you have your cell with you?” “Yeah, I do,” Alex said, relieved. “Thanks.” “If you’re not back by seven,” Dave warned, “I’m coming after you. That strip is bad.” “I hope to find him by then,” Alex replied. *** Father Nate called him back as he turned onto 17th, but there was nothing else the priest could tell him. “You know how kids can be,” he said. “They like me, but I’m still a priest. I’m older than they are and they’re not going to tell me the places they hang out at, even if they do think I’m pretty cool.” “My roommate suggested 17th,” Alex said, slowing as he scanned the already crowded sidewalks. Young kids lingered everywhere, dressed in leather and chains and tight jeans, tattoos and piercings and punked hair… God, please don’t let him be here, Alex prayed. “I’m there now.” “That’s a tough street,” Father Nate replied. “You be careful. If he’s there —” “I’ll be fine,” Alex assured him. He rolled the window up halfway and turned down the radio, trying to study the streets without making eye contact with any of the kids. A few glared at him as he passed, thumbing their cigarettes his way, but the majority just ignored him. Even though it was still light outside, neon signs flashed obscenely and loud music bled into the streets from open doors guarded by hefty bouncers. At the end of the street Alex turned around, but he didn’t see Conflict of Interest - 69
Jamie amid the teenagers crushed together against the brick buildings or pouring into the streets. He wasn’t there. Alex cruised up the street again, rolling his window down and slowing as he passed an empty spot by the curb. Maybe I should get out and look for him, he thought, debating. Dave told him to stay in the car, but it was still light now, mostly, and he should be fine… “Hey there, mister.” Alex looked up as a young boy leaned into his window. The kid was blonde and couldn’t be any older than twelve or thirteen, but he wore tight shorts that hugged his hips and a cropped top exposing his skinny midriff. “You’ve been driving around for a while now,” the boy said with a wink. “You looking for a good time?” “No,” Alex said quickly. God no. “I’m looking for a friend. His name is Jamie.” The boy shrugged easily. “That’s my name tonight.” “Look.” Alex fumbled in his pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill. Handing it through the window, he said, “Get something to eat, will you? Have you ever been to St. Catherine’s? They can help you —” The money disappeared as the boy shoved it into the waistband of his shorts. “This pays better,” he said. “If you change your mind, I’ll be around.” He started to walk away. “Wait!” Alex cried. When the boy turned back, he asked again, “You sure you don’t know a Jamie? He’s tall, bright red curls, gorgeous eyes —” The boy shook his head. “That five is spent,” he said, walking back to the curb. “You want to talk, fine, but it’ll cost you. Guys like me ain’t cheap.” For emphasis he rubbed his hand across his crotch, raising his eyebrows at Alex suggestively. “Never mind.” Alex eased off the brake and left the boy behind. I don’t know where the hell Jamie is right now, but at least he’s not here, I know… Or rather, he hoped. He hoped Jamie wasn’t inside one of those clubs, doing something to someone that Alex didn’t even want to think about. Would he still be mad? Mad enough to do something… don’t think it, he told himself, turning off 17th. He’s not like these kids. He’s nothing like them. He’s just pissed at the world right now, but eventually he’ll come back to the shelter and he’ll talk to you then. Everything will be fine. Do you hear me, Alex? Everything will be okay. Then why didn’t he believe that? *** Back home the apartment was silent, too silent. Alex carried the phone with him from room to room, searching for something to do, something to take his mind off the time and the fact that it was getting late and the phone still wasn’t ringing. He watched it as he ate dinner, daring it to ring, willing it to shatter the silence surrounding him and bring Jamie back to him, Conflict of Interest - 70
but it didn’t. By ten o’clock he didn’t think it would ever ring again, and just to make sure it was working, he called the number from his cell phone. When it rang shrilly, his heart jumped, and for a split second he thought it was Jamie, finally, it was him, and he hung up the cell phone and lunged for the cordless only to realize it was himself calling, the phone cutting out in mid-ring because he had hung up. Fuck. At eleven he thought he should call it a night. Thirty minutes later he was still on the sofa, staring at the phone where it sat on the coffee table. Part of him was afraid to go to sleep, afraid he’d miss Jamie’s call. Maybe I should call the shelter, he thought, or even go down there, see if he’s in yet. Maybe he thinks it’s too late and he doesn’t want to wake me up. Maybe… He dialed the shelter’s number, but it was late and all he got was a recording. As he listened to Father Nate’s voice reeling off meal times and hours of operation, he mused, Why didn’t he put on there whether Jamie was back yet or not? That’s the important stuff — that’s what I want to know, what I called to find out. So the shelter was closed. It was too late to go looking for Jamie again — if he hadn’t found him in broad daylight, how would he ever find him now? Just go to bed, he told himself. You can go over in the morning and he’ll be there, you’ll see. You’ll see. But he carried the phone with him upstairs and he set it on the pillow beside his head as he crawled into bed. Ring, damn it, he pleaded silently, closing his eyes. Just ring already, will you? *** Someone was calling his name, Alex was sure of it. He heard it in his dreams and it followed him into waking, a voice that sounded so damn familiar… “Jamie?” he murmured. “Alex?” Dave’s voice drifted upstairs, an unusual edge to it that made Alex’s eyes fly open in the darkness. “Hey, Alex?” “Yeah?” he called back, sleep thickening his voice. He squinted at the clock until the red numbers coalesced into digits he could read. Three in the morning. What the fuck? “Dave?” He raised his voice. “What is it? I’m trying to sleep.” “Can you come down here a minute?” Dave asked. “God,” Alex groaned, but he didn’t like the urgency he heard in his friend’s voice, so he tumbled out of the bed and staggered in the darkness to the door. On the stairs he could hear a woman talking quietly, her voice calm and gentle, and he heard a hitching breath, someone trying not to cry. “Dave?” he asked, taking the steps two at a time. “Is everything…” His words died in his throat as he stepped into the living room and saw Jamie standing there, hugging himself tightly. Bright blood spilled from his nose and a livid bruise stained his pale cheek. “Jesus,” Alex sighed. He glanced at Dave, standing by the front door, and then at the woman with him, some girl from the clubs he brought back for the night, makeup thick and hair over-styled. She was reaching for Jamie, talking softly, trying to calm him down, but he Conflict of Interest - 71
shrugged her away. For the briefest of moments Alex hesitated, unsure of what to do, what to say. Jamie looked up at him, eyes shining with pain and hurt and need, and he whispered, “I’m sorry, Alex, really I am, but I didn’t know where else to go —” And then Alex took him into his arms, pulling him close. “Shh,” he murmured, soothing down Jamie’s rumpled shirt, his disheveled hair. He was as warm as Alex had dreamed he would be, his curls impossibly soft in Alex’s hands, and Alex didn’t care what had happened or what time it was. All that mattered was that Jamie was here now, safe with him, where he belonged.
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Chapter 16 “Alex?” Dave asked cautiously. Alex frowned at his roommate. Jamie shivered in his arms, still hugging himself close, afraid to let go, afraid to hold onto him, afraid — afraid you’ll push him away again, his mind whispered, and Alex hugged Jamie tighter, feeling tears dampen his T-shirt. Uncertainty puckered Dave’s mouth. “Is he okay?” “He’ll be fine,” Alex whispered. Silently he added, I’ll take care of him. He’ll be fine. Keeping one arm around Jamie’s shuddering shoulders, Alex led the way into the kitchen. He flicked on the overhead light and flinched when he saw the bruise darkening Jamie’s cheek, the blood smeared beneath Jamie’s nose. “Jesus, what happened to you?” Jamie sank into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and slouched down, resting his head against the back of the chair. “I got in a fight,” he muttered, staring at the ceiling. “Where?” At the sink, Alex wet a washcloth in cold water. He stood in front of Jamie, one hand on Jamie’s forehead to hold the kid still. “This might sting a little bit.” Jamie sucked in a sharp breath when the cold cloth touched the tender skin beneath his nose and he reached out, hands twisting in Alex’s T-shirt. “Some club,” he said, watching Alex as he leaned over him. Alex concentrated on cleaning away the blood and tried unsuccessfully to ignore the emotions swirling through him at Jamie’s touch. “I was pissed and I just wanted to hurt someone, you know? I just wanted to beat the shit outta somebody and hope it made me feel better.” “You were pissed at me,” Alex said softly. When Jamie nodded, Alex dabbed at the blood again. “So did it work?” “No,” Jamie said with a lusty sigh. “I thought I could take him — he wasn’t that big. It was a straight club, and I hit on him knowing it would tick him off. He called me a fag, and I…” He sighed again and blinked away tears that filled his eyes. “God, I just kept pressing it, until finally he swung at me and hit me here…” He pointed to his cheek, already discolored. Alex fought the urge to kiss the bruised skin. “And then the bartender said ‘take it outside’ and we did, only he had a friend out there who said…” Beneath Alex’s hands, Jamie began to tremble. “God, Alex, they said —” “It’s okay,” Alex whispered. Alex knelt down beside Jamie and took him into a tight embrace; this time Jamie hugged him back, arms slipping around Alex’s neck until they threatened to choke him and still the trembling didn’t stop. “They aren’t here, Jamie, they can’t hurt you. I won’t let them.” Jamie’s words were barely audible through fresh tears. “They were gonna rape me,” he whispered. “Just take me into the alley and fuck me senseless and leave me bleeding and broken and dying and God…” Conflict of Interest - 73
Jamie’s voice broke; anger flashed through Alex as Jamie clung to him. The thought of anyone hurting this young man, or even daring to touch him, made his own hands shake. To still them, he rubbed Jamie’s back. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re here now, and you know what? You were right. There’s no reason we can’t be together now. If… if that’s what you want — ” Jamie sat back, his hands curving around the back of Alex’s neck as he leaned his forehead against Alex’s. His eyes swam in tears that slicked his eyelashes and spilled down his cheeks. His chin crumbled as he fought to retain his composure. “Alex,” he sighed; in his voice, the name sounded like a promise. “Oh God, yes.” Then he kissed Alex tenderly, his lips salty from tears and coppery from the blood. Mine, Alex thought as he finally gave into Jamie. *** Alex sent Jamie upstairs to get cleaned up. “You’re staying here tonight,” he whispered, kissing the soft skin beneath Jamie’s ear. “You know which room’s mine. Go on.” “‘Kay,” Jamie sniffled. “You coming, too?” “In a minute,” Alex replied. “I want to call the shelter; let them know you’re here.” He watched Jamie trudge upstairs and into the bathroom; he waited until he heard the shower turn on before picking up the phone. Then he dialed the shelter and listened to the message on the machine. After the beep he said, “Father Nate, this is Alex. I just wanted to let you know Jamie’s at my place now, and it’s late so he’s going to stay with me tonight. I’ll bring him by some time tomorrow, okay? If you want to talk to him before that, you know my number.” He wondered if he should mention the fight, or the fact that Jamie probably wouldn’t be staying long at the shelter anymore, not when he wanted Jamie to be with him. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he thought he should explain, but he didn’t know where to start. Finally he just whispered, “Thanks.” For the program, he thought as he hung up the phone. For Jamie. For everything. In the kitchen, he rinsed Jamie’s blood out of the washcloth as best he could and checked to make sure the front door was locked. Sometime after Jamie came in, Dave and his girl had disappeared upstairs, and Alex hadn’t heard from them again. Have to thank him in the morning, too, he thought. For letting Jamie in, even though Dave didn’t know who the hell he was. With Jamie’s bloody nose and torn shirt, Alex was surprised Dave even opened the door. As he headed upstairs he glanced at the clock — it was almost four thirty. God. He heard the shower cut off and smiled at Jamie’s low humming. Guess I’m calling in again tomorrow. Or today rather. Staying home with that kid would be better than work, anyway. In his bedroom, he found a pair of boxers and a T-shirt for Jamie to sleep in. As the door Conflict of Interest - 74
clicked shut behind him, Alex turned, holding out the clothes in his hands. “You can wear these…” The words disappeared when he looked up and saw Jamie’s damp body, naked and glistening and hard. And naked, he thought absently, taking in the smooth expanse of skin dotted with freckles, the reddish, downy hair that darkened the guy’s arms and legs and crotch. Don’t forget naked. Jamie grinned at Alex crookedly as he toweled off his head. “I don’t like to sleep in clothes,” he said softly, a faint blush pinking his cheeks. “Me, either,” Alex whispered as he crossed the room, dropping the clothes to the floor. He stared at Jamie’s muscled stomach, the slight erection already peeking through the kinked hair at his groin, the hard nipples and droplets of water still clinging to his body. “You’re beautiful.” He stood and stared, almost afraid to touch Jamie’s body, almost afraid that he’d wake up and it’d be a dream, he’d be alone and left aching for this. But the smile on Jamie’s face encouraged him, and with tentative hands he traced the curve of muscle around Jamie’s belly button. His fingers splayed across the warm flesh, unsure of where to go, what to explore. Jamie’s skin was even softer than Alex had imagined, softer than a man had the right to be. Now that he was finally touching him, he wanted to feel everywhere at once. “Jamie…” Jamie took his chin in one hand and raised Alex’s face to his. “Don’t pull away any more,” he sighed, leaning close. “Please, Alex, not again.” “I won’t,” Alex promised. Jamie’s lips fluttered against his with the softest of caresses, and Alex leaned into him, hungry for more. The next kiss was stronger, more sure, a crush of velvet skin that threatened to consume them both, and Jamie’s hands tugged at Alex’s shirt, eager to strip it away, to hold him tight with nothing between them, nothing at all. Leading Jamie to the bed, Alex tossed the shirt away, straddling him as he lay back against the covers. “You’re mine,” Alex whispered, kissing Jamie’s lips, his chin, his neck. His hands massaged Jamie’s biceps and his tongue danced across the erect nipples, tasting clean water from the shower and the tiniest hint of soap. “No more clubs, no more boys, none of that, not any more.” “No.” Jamie arched into Alex, grabbing fistfuls of thick hair as he pressed Alex’s face against his chest, his hips rising to push his hardening erection into Alex’s groin. “I told you I wouldn’t need them if I had you.” Alex kissed him again, reveling in the sweet taste of Jamie’s mouth and the eager hands roaming his chest. “We should try and get some sleep.” “We should,” Jamie agreed, but he hugged Alex to him and snickered against his ear. “Why don’t I think we will?” Alex laughed. “Father Nate’s going to think I’ve stolen you away.” Conflict of Interest - 75
“What a great idea,” Jamie sighed. “I like that.” With a kiss, Alex extracted himself from Jamie’s arms. When Jamie held onto him, he explained, “Let me turn off the light.” He nipped at Jamie playfully, his lips closing over one nipple, sucking hungrily. “You get under the sheets,” he said as he stood. “Father Nate isn’t getting you back. I want you here with me, all day and every night. I’m going to kiss you awake and hold you until you fall asleep.” “Sounds wonderful,” Jamie sighed. Grinning, he burrowed beneath the blankets. Fisting them under his chin, he peeked out from the covers and said, “I knew you’d let me stay the night eventually. I just had to wear you down.” Alex laughed again and slipped out of his boxers. “Dayum,” Jamie muttered, whistling low. “Did I ever mention you had a nice ass? Shit.” “I believe you did, yes.” Alex clicked off the light, plunging the room into instant darkness, and navigated his way back to the bed. Jamie held the covers open as Alex slid into his arms. His hands slipped over Alex’s hips to cup his buttocks, then eased between his legs. Resting his forehead against Alex’s, Jamie hugged the man tight. “I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he sighed. “It was definitely worth the wait.” To prove his point, he kissed Alex again. Wrapping both arms around Jamie, Alex pulled him close, mindful of the bruise on Jamie’s cheek. With their legs entangled together, Jamie rested his head against Alex’s chest; his hair curled damply around Alex’s jaw. “I’m never letting you go,” Alex promised. He meant back to the streets, or to the shelter, or anywhere that didn’t include him. Jamie needed him, as much as Alex needed Jamie — he finally realized that now. In the morning they’d drive over to St. Catherine’s, clear out Jamie’s tiny room, and bring his handful of belongings here. Alex kissed Jamie tenderly as they snuggled closer together, the sound of Jamie’s steady heart beating against his chest. He’s saved these kisses for me, he thought sleepily, his lips hungry and his hands insatiable despite the late hour. They’re mine. All mine. THE END
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