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"Utterly irresistible . . . w ..... ;J _"""~T"2_0_8_8_0_3_ 7_ 43_8_5_2r-7_--L>[.lith, People magazine "Since Avery Corman's landmark Kramer vs. Kramer, it seems every generation has hungered for a heartfelt novel in which a father discovers what it is to be a mother. Such is British journalist Tony Parsons' easily enjoyed Man and Boy. Man and Boy is a witty, often sweet novel that adeptly sorts immature men from true fathers." -Sherryl Connelly, Daily News "A funny yet penetrating look at divorce, parenthood and generational conflict .. . the strength of Man and Boy lies in its plainspoken honesty." - Vic Vogler, Boston Herald "Tony Parsons' first novel, Man and Boy, hits like a series of quick jabs to the heart. This story of a 3D-year-old finally growing up is told with grace and wit; it delivers laughter and tears without stooping to cheap sentimentality ... a novel that is one in a million." -Robin Vidimos, Denver Post
Praise for Man and Wife "The most eagerly awaited sequel of the year ... true to form, true to him, Parsons doesn't disappoint." -GO (British)
"Man and Wife is a clever novel. . . . Where [Parsons] scores is in his ability to write sentimentally. Nobody squeezes more genuine emotion from a scene than Tony Parsons." -Nicholas Coleridge, The Spectator "Funny, tear-jerking, and reassuringly feelgood ." - The Daily Mail "This is lively stuff: intelligent popular literature for a streetwise yet sentimental readership." - The Independent
523.00 U.S. 536.00 Can.
A novel aboul love and marriageaboul why we fall in love and why we marry, why we slay and why we go. Harry Silver is ready to try again at living "happily ever after." It won't be easy: not when he has to juggle his wife, Cyd, and ex-wife, Gina; his son, Pat, and his stepdaughter, Peggy; his own work and his wife's fast-growing career. When Gina announces that she's relocating to another country, taking Pat with her, and Cyd's burgeoning success has made her rethink having another child, Harry finds his fairy-tale ending moving out of reach . Meanwhile, his mother, who has always been his biggest fan and source of comfort, is battling breast cancer and needs him to be strong . Did Harry commit to a steady relationship too soon? Can you love - really love - a child who is not your own? Can you be a good father to a child you only see on the weekends? And can Harry keep this new and complicated life on track or will it all go wrong? When he meets a woman who makes him question everything, his tangled web becomes even more knotty. In this brilliant sequel to the internationally bestselling Man and Boy, Tony Parsons reminds us why he is a favorite author in over thirty countries. Man and Wife is a story about families in the new century, written with all the humor, passion, and superb storytelling that have made millions across the globe cry and laugh out loud .
TONY PARSONS is one of the most well-known writers in England . In the 1970s, Parsons was a music journalist for of
NME, the British equivalent
Rolling Stone, interviewing some of the
biggest bands in punk music. In the eighties he won awards for his work as a roving reporter with magazines like GQ and
Elle. In the nineties
he became one of the most familiar faces on British television, spending six years as a regular guest on BBC's Late Review. He has also written
The Mirror, The Guardian, The Spectator, and The Sunday Times. Tony is the author of two international bestsellers, Man and Boy and One for My Baby (due out from Atria Books in 2004), for
and lives in England with his wife and their daughter. He also has a son from a previous marnage.
Man and Wife A No vel
TOllY Parsoll s
ATRIA BO OKS
ATRIA _"" • •
1230 'wenue of.he "'",erica> NowYor" NY 10020
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Copyrighted material
Part One TH[ MAN OF
H E R DREAMS
Copyrighted material
THE MOST BEAUTI fU L GIRL I N T HE WORLD
My SO N C OM [S TO MY W[DDIIH;
Hr's "'Y IxSI ",m" Thai's 11'/,,>1 / IfII him. NY"" ',, my />(.<1 mm" All.· H~ "",ks ple
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/"III,im Ihat "" '" my He 's Ihe best af me, my son, lllollow !fire wasn'l hert. /11 aft'" days rim., "o/"M tire wedding (dke has go". and tl,~""w ",amrd lift ha, "'x'''', and tl" "",rid staW gelring baik 10 M"",,,,I, some /farher will a.kmd. · 1 u'<'l11 /0 my dad's ",<,dding,' he will say. Aud altl!O,(~/, he dot", 'I rdl "" "uy III"rr tiM" IIUlI, / (dU g"fJS al tl" knowillg laug/'Ift 11/01 "nguarded. illluxfm """,m, r.ullCJSIy "'Played, will (auSf in the staff room. How tfuy ",ill (h,,(k/e. H"w 1/,'1' will "gil. A sign of 11,( /inl/'s, my sml', /fMhm will think, Q,,'/drm .
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IIIf 1"'0 of u'. Mt , mid III( ,,"os, binl/,ift.! girl in Iht "'
CO" 'I wke my '1"'S off lilal fab,,'ous faff. Ca" " fil ",,,,,,, 11011' II'(mdeifi,1 sit. locks ,oday, ,,,,ilillg ill Ilw!xuk rf o"r black (ab, ",ah"g 0'" way 10 t/,a' lillit 'OO"" Oil Rosrbtry Av, 'lIIe "4",,, ''''' a ... 10 be married. I feel like J am snjllS eyd fer t/.e wry finl lilli', Doe, every '''''" jffilitis w~y? Evf'fl g""'''IJ ",illl plai" brides? Does "''Try man jffilital /,is bridr i, I/It ",OSI beaulifol girl itl lllT wo.M? Probably. Wilh all my h,arl, 1""",11/" balfe,l'f' I ",anll/'is d.Jy IV be Pfrftt!, alld il (hru's " If "I' bn-auSf I kilO,,' IIMI il (ml "eVfr Iv prrfetr. TIlt ... ', no fallltT 10 sl
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Ollr dnd< Ii ... '" belil U'lJrklllg "'~"f.om Il,e old "ilool, '1.0"8 a" d gmll.. "",I unM'..rimr,"al. ""d lI,rue rough m"" from II,m lou!~, gNlf'a-
liOl' I,ad h,am and lung. II,al p",,'t'd lU",,;;ingly fragile. OllT forllm '1'(111 }'(OTl /lffoll' lir(ir limr, mid / Imow liral 11'( will miss I/"m roday, laday mo", Illan fIIl'r. And Ih".. are olher ",ason. u>i,y lI,e", ",ill be aJt:", douds I,m'ging "'''r Il,is pafM day. TI'm' ",i/l be "0 {h,,,,h btllsfOr "1, "0 I,ymns. no doll.\~ vitnr 10 pin 10' Icgrtl'" m.d /I'll "s ,,·hm floe art a/lou",IIC kiss. Bf{nllle 110 (h,w:1r """Id /"' .... us. Too mallY miles 011 lire dOll.,. )"'11 iff. Too mll(h lift /i,,,d. 111I0",~/1t
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Bur ",1,," she lake, my 1,,,,,,1, 50"'I'/ro", il dMst, 'I m"lIer m'ym" .... lKea"" I srnsf ,omelhillg illl/,e 'fml", r""ln witl, I/,e u'Om", ill t/lei, /Iatl. ,/" mm III Illrir lUi(l. tht (/Iildml ill "'/'al my ",,,,II I<'Ould (a/ll/'eir Sunday INsI Er'f'ryOOdy ,mlll.'S, /"'ppy fo' US, u>/,ite liliN rr ...'J"'.o/" .... Ilreir "ml filling Ihe "Ir. TI,t"'"' 110 pla(t more sacred. Aud if "U)""1f is blesstd. Ihtll U'f a'" blesstd. A ,m,,11 "..Jdiu,~. II" 1I'I,nl "" 00111 lI'a"red. Maki,\~ ojJ;';,,1 114MI
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of u~,at II<JJS(J for Ihf(ol!.q~lioll,
A $Ole",,, lillie girl ill Q long yello", dn'ss, primly t/,mhi,W a /""'_ 'I"t/ if ,d,il<' jlO !l'ffS 10 10" c/..Sl, " (/,i/d ",il/, Iotr mOII,"'s ",ide-Sef tyts, dart Ioair and 10'Ylyfact, A",I a "(~lIly YO"".!?'!' boy i" a bol" lir ,md frilly drm sl'iff, "0 jadm_",/,ar's do"( ",il/, his jacktl~ H( u..,s "'farinJi a jackel Ih( lasl lim, I I""ked- wloo (all 'I mard, 1/'" girl's sloo", of ,m,,,,ilillJl fo,malily, (",,'I ,.,,,,, g<1 rI~ 10 ii, W /" grill' shyly and slo'!iJ1cs imide his bralld ",.,,, slW/'s, 'oos.;"S as Iho",~11 II,is is I,is ''''ry jim lim, "'" of SIIfakers. W/,i(h IillIW il is, Peggy ,,,,d Hu, /-Ier da"girlfr "lid my SOli, My broUlifli1 boy.
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my moll'rr's hand. A"d as II'f "Sislrar a.sks aWlit Ill( rings, 1 nOliu Ilral "'y boy 'j fau is (hangillg. TI,e ,m""III, ",wr ",mul'lfS> if Ilrf baby alld Illf /Oddl.. I" OI"f ",
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.11 ,,(~Ij/ a"d Ilu first 11,,'''g l la i" II,e ,,"m,i"g. I u"tII ro wauh rhat focr M i/ (ha"g<s rhmug/I Ihe )"'.1,.,. I wam 10 knew <'lyry bi"hmark (ff, lIN' bcJy. 10 (oo""il ,wry fmkk Ie memory. To liav(' lud 10 hold. Until death do IlSpm. COIl/II me ill. Good. GTftlI, IVI"", do I s(~" lip? The,. '", jIm Olk" liny, riny par,s of do"b, ... A nd Iforet i/fmm my mind, ..fo~ 10 atknoll'ltdg< i/$ exi"fllet. II dlJ
bling of r/mnder. Hm la. I know ,hal I am III IMs I'Wm for IU'IJ TftI So" S, &cal'St I Iwr "fr. (mainly. I lo,y my bridt. 1 101'1' my Cyd. 8,,1 als.-how (an I pili it?~all"" I "",III 10 rcb"ild my family. II's ,rolj"" II,e It,,,ba,,,1 billlwt I ",alii to gel n'gllllhissf{o"d time armmd. /I 's also /t,o;,W a fal/,e . To her dallghw. To allY d,ild,,,, uy ",ay I,aw log<:lIIer. A"d 10 '''y boy, I "'.1111 a jllnily for him I"" '" ",ell as my""!! A family for my boy. I'or bolh of liS. A family 0'1(( mort. I am I,f"for I/,is i,,{m/ible ''''''''' ... Bill I am ,,1'0 herr for 'ny son. Is Ihat okay? Is il fo'lii"able u> be I,err for 11/'0 reaso",? For I ..." proplt? Is it all righllhal om 10<'1' story im'llh,fi.1I JlOry,) Som«llw is lalking 10 lIS So I t ry 10 ig"of/' Ilia! so,,,,d offaraway 11"",d" The /'/'giSlmr i, askill.~ Illf bride if sl/f pmmisN 10 I",,,, m,d I" d,emll. "I do,· Stlys my lI'ifr, I drall' a df1'ptr bf/'arll. Aml l d" /<>0 .
Copyrighted material
1
jv\y SON HAS" NEW fATHER.
He doesn't actuall y call the guy Dad--
III
.11 the ways that
matter. Ilichard is thef" when my son CatS his breakfa~t (Coco fup". r;ghI1_5"", Pat. J sti ll remember the Coco Pops), Richard is there when my boy plays quie tly with his Star Wars toys (playing '-Iuk-ely because Richard is more of a Harry 1'01!a man. not so hig on light saocrs and Death Stars and Jedi Knights). And Richard is there at night sharing a bed with the rno!hn of my son. let'S not forgcl th.t bit. -So how's it
g<.ling?~
[ asked my SOn Ihe ""me question every Sunday as wc look our places in the hurgn oor. Our Happy Me.ls between us,
,
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among all the dads and little boys aDd girls just like us. You know. Tht wetkttld families. -Good: ht said. Tim was all. Goo:.xIl Jltst goodl And ii 's funny. and J little bit sad, b<....,alls.c when he ""'-, sm aller. yon conldn't stop him talkiu!;, he waS full of qll,·stious. How do I kn ow when to wake up? Where do I go whell I am ask..,p' I·low do I grow up? Why doesn't the sky stop' YOU'll" not going to dic. are you' Obviously "'f'r( not going 10 die. right? And is a Death Star bi!;b'''' than the moon? You couldn't shut him lip Hl the old days. ·Schoo!". okay? You gct on with cveryone in your class? You're fecling all right about th ings. da rl ing?" I never asked bim about Hichard. - Good: h.· repeated, poker-faced, drawing an Imp<'nctrable veil over his life with one little word. lie picked up his burgcr in both hands. tike a baby squ irrel with a lJSle for junk f<XXi. And I watched bim, realizing that he was wearing clothes that II13d uever ",eo b<..·forc. What family day.out were they from? Why hadn't InO!iccd thelll before? So many questiOlls Ihat r couldn't even bring tnysd f w ask him. "You like your teacher'" He nodded, biting ofT more Happy Meal than he could possibly chew and lIlaking further COIllIllCIJI impossible. Wc went through this TOminc e.-cry wcekclId. We had been doing it for two years, cvcry since he wem to live with his mOlher. I asked him about s.::hool. friends and home. He gave "',. his nalllC, r.nk and scrialnmnb<..·r. He waS still recogllizably thc Swttl-naturOO chi ld wilh dirty blonde hair who once rode. bike called Bluebell. Th e same boy who was SO cllte al 1\0,"0 years of age thai pc<.>plc stopped to Stare al him in Ihe strect, who IIIsistoo his naDle waS Luke SkY",.lkcr when he w3s three. who tricd to be wry
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brave when hi, mother left m" when he "",s four and everythillg bcg:l.lI CO flll aparc. Still Illy 1'31. But he didn't open hi, heart 10 me anymore-what frightened him. th e things that made him happy. the stuff of hi., dreams. the pans ofdK" world that puzzled him (why doej,,'1 the sky Stop?)-in the Sam,' way he did when he was small. So much dllnges whcn Ih ey start school. Everything. really. You lose them then aud you never really get thcm hack. l3ut it waS mOrC than school. Thrrc waS a distancc berv.-ccn uS tim [ eUll ldn' t SCCm to bridge. no Ill atter how hard [ trk-d. Thcre were walls dividing IlS. and Ihey were the "",lis of his new home. Not so new now. Anllthcr few years and he would have spent most of his life living away fTOm mt·. "What' s your [larpy Meal taste like. i'at?He rolled his ~"yes. "You evcr havc a Happy Meal?" - ["VI' got one righ l here.~Well, thac's e""cdy whal it !:Istes like.My son 3t sc,'cn years old. Sometimes [b"Ot on his nerves. could tell. We slill had a good time together. When [ gave up my inept interrogations. we had fuu. The way we always had. Pal was always a pleasure 10 bc lrOUUd ---(clsYb"Oing. Smllty tmuTed. gamc for a laugh. But it was different now Ihal our tillle 10b"'lher ,""IS rati on~-d . This time together had a sh~"en of desper_ ation because [could,,'1 staud 10 sec him disappointed or sad. Any minOT unhappiness. nO mattn how tcmporary. gnawed at l1Ie in a ""'y that it really hadn't whell w(" slill shared a hOllle. These Sundays were thc high point of my week. Although things werc g<.>ing well for me at work now. nothing was ;t.S b'IXXI as th is day, this whole glorious day. that [ got to spend with my boy.
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We didn't do ~nything sp'-'Cial.just the same things we had always don<.', boulicing 111errily bnween food 311d football, pnk and piclur<.'s, ~IllCS arcad~ alld shopping 111all, Happily frittering JWJ.y Ihe hours_ Bill it felt diffe relll to when we lived tOg<:ther hecause now, at the' clld of all theS<.· urdinuy, perfat days. v.." had to say good-bye. The clock was always running_ There was a time in our lives, in that brief period when v,aS looking aftn him alon(', wh('11 his mother waS 111 Japan, trylllg to ralaim thr life that shr had giwn up for me, that I felt Pat and I were unique. I stood at Ihe school gales of his prirlllry school, separate from all the modrers waiting for thei r children, and 1 fdt that there was nobody like us in the world. I couldn't fed like drat any more. The world was full of people like us. Even McDonald's was full of people like us. On Sundays the burger bar was always packed with onrday dads making stilted small talk with their children, thrse wary kids who Cattle in all sizes, from lovdy little nippers to pierced, surly teens, all those fadters making the best of it, looking from thei r child or children to their watch, trying to make up for all the lost time and never quite succeeding. We avoided lOy" contact. me and 311 the other oue-day dads. But there was a kind of shy fr~ t~",i ty that existed hetweeu us. WI,en thcr.: were unpleasant sccnes_tears or raised voices, the egg McMllffin abruptly and angrily abandoned, an overwrought demand to get Mummy un the cdl photle immediately-we felt for tach otbcr, TIle alld 311 the other Sunday dads_ As l-';r t and 1 lapsed illto silence, 1 noticed that there w;r.s On(' of them at the next tabk being tortltrt·d by his daughter, a saucer-eyed tt'n-ye3T-uld ill an Alice band.
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said the linle girl. pushing away her
umouched liigMac. Her father's mouth dropped opcn. ~ I-Iml!
can you pos.sibly be vegeuriln. Loui$<:1 You weren't
a I!e"",tarian last week. Yon had that hot dog before 11" Lio" KI"g, rememocr?" "it '" "'~II!.'" pa.! de ,';~"dt, w illsisted the link girl. "jt "' ",m,.\,<, I'M d( ~rif.·
"1 don't belie\!<."" it." said her father. "Whydidn't you tell me you've turncd vegcurian? WIly didn't rour lnOlhn?" Poor bastard, I drought. and I saw the man's luY<" lifc fl.sh before my eyes. Probably a cO'lX'ralc romance. the woman in from the Pans uffice, trailing clouds of charm. Chane! and an accem that ,",uu!d mais clearly impre"..-d by the little girlll the next table. Everything higger children said or did impressed him. But this was someth illg lIew. This was possibly the first time he had seell a bigger child speaking a foreign language outside of the movies or TV ~Japanese?" he whispered to me. He assumed all foreign languagl's wnc Japanese. His mutha waS flucm. - French: J whispered b3ck. He smiled at the little gITl in the Alice OOnd. She Slared straight through him ~Wlly is she ulking FrCT1ch thm?" ht' ash-d mc. snddm!y perking up. And it waSjust like the old days-Pat bringing mc
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one oflife' slitde puzzk'S to unravel. I kaped upon it with gratirude, ~That lictk girl is French .- I s~id, kttping my voice down . I looked 3t the poor bastard who was ha father, "Half French," Pat widened his eyes. "TIlde'S a long way to come. French isalongway." " Frallet, yon mcan. France is nut as far as yon think.-11 is, though. You're wrong. France is as faT as I think. Maybe even fUTther" -No it's not. France- well. I'aris--is just thr~'e hours in the train from London." -What!rain?" "A special train. A vcry fast train that rUI1S frOlll Lo ndon to Paris. The EUTOstar. It does the journey in just three hours. It goes through a tunnel under the se •. " My SUn pnllcd a doubtful f.. cc. ·U"dff th,' sea?" "That's right: -No, I don't think so. )krllie Cooper wen\ to French In the summer: Bernie Cooper-always addressed by his full name- was Pat's best friend. T he first best friend of his life. The beSt friend he would remember forever. I~Jt always quoted Bernie with all the fervor of a Hed Guard citing the thoughts of Chairman Mao at Ihe height of the Culmral Rev_ olution. -lkrnic Cooper wtnt 10 the sCHide in French. F"",ce. T hey b'Ot a Jumbo. So you em't b'<:t a train to FUlIee. lkrttie CoopcrS.lid.- Bernic and his family must have gone to the south of France. Paris is a lot do""r.l promise you, darling. You can get there from London ill thrtt hou rs. Wdl go Ihnt Om' day. Yon and mc. I'aris is a hcautiful city." ~Whcn will we go?" -When you're a big hoy" He looked al ml' shrewdly. MBut I'm a big boy nOW. I'm al",ady s,',·"","
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And [ thought to myself- that's right. You're a big boy right now. That baby [ held in my aTms has b'One forever and [ will rWWT b>et him back. I glllKcd 11 my wl leh. It WJ.S still ClrlY. Thcy werc still serving Mc Brcakfasts in hcre . ~C01lrC un: [ said. 'Lt,t me help you with your COat. Wc're b'Oillg. Don't forb>et your football and yonr mim'lIs . ~ He looked out the wind()\.\l at the rain,[ ashed streets of north London "Arc "'C b'Oiug to thc park?' "Wr'rt going to Pans:
We could just about nuke it. ! had worked it out. You don't thin k [ won ldJnst rush otT to Paris with Inm, du you? Nu, we cuuld do 1I. Not comfurtably, but just about. Thrcc houTS to Paris Oil Eurost:lr. an afternoon wandering around the sights. and thcrl- whoosh- back home for Pat's bedtime. Nobody would know we had gone to Paris-that is, his mother ,",uu[d nut know- un,il we wcre safely back in London. All we needed werc our passports. Luck was with us. At my place, Cyd and Peggy werc not around. At Pat's place, the only sign of li fe was Uli, the dreamy German au pair. So [did,,'t have to explain to my wife why [ Heeded my p:lSsport for a kickabout 011 l'tirnrose ['[ill alld I didn't ha"c to cxplaill to my c.'\-wifc why I needed Pat'S passport to play SEGA Rally in Funland. It wa., a quick run dnwn to Waterloo and soon Pat had hi., face Pf<'sstd ag;nnst the window as EUTOStar pu lkd uut of thc SUtiOIl, his breath rmking mist 011 the glass. He looked at me slyly. ·Wc're having an adventure, aren't we' This is an adwnnllc. is,,'t it?" "A big adwmurr.-
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laugh," my son said and smiled. Three link words. and I will never forgn th~1I1. And wh<.'n h~ said those three littk words. it was worth it. WhatC\'cr haplXned next. it was all wOrlh it Paris for the day.J USI the twn of liS. What. laugh. ~Wha{ ~
My son lived in one of those new kind of families. What do they call them' A blended f.mlly. As thollgh p<.'opk can Ix- endlessly mix<.'d .lId matched. Ground Ill' and seamless. A blended fanlily. JUSt like coffee beans. But it's not sO easy with men and women and chil_ dren. They ollly lived a mile or so down a Lolldon road. but there were things about their life together !lUt were forever hidden frOIll nle. I could guess "' what hap pened between Gina and Ollr son-[ could see her still, washing his hair, readmg him IVhr", '/1,( fi'ild Things Arl', pl acing a bowl of b'TCCn pasta befoR' him. hugging him so fiercely Ihal you couldn't lell where she ended and where he began. l3ut [ had no real idea what went on between Hichard and Pat, this mart iu his middle thinies who I didn't kuow at all. aud this scven-ycar-old child whose skirt, whose voice. whose face was mon: familiar to me than my own. Did Hichard kiss my son good_n ight' I didn't ask. Becallse I really didl,'t know what would hurt me lIIOre. Thc warmth. the closeness, the caring that a good-night kiss wou ld indicate. Or the cold diSlancc imphcit in the absence of a kiss. Hichard WaS not a had guy. Even I cou ld see that. My exwife wonldll't be married to hml if ht" waS any kind of duld hatrr. I knew. tWn in my bkalcst moments. {hat {here wrre
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\vor"" 'tepparen ts than Richard. Not that anyone "'Y5 steppar ent anymore. Too load,·d with ntealling. Pal altd I had both leanted to call Richard a P""""- O though he was involved in;ln exciting business vcnture with Ihe mother of my son. or ro"ibly a game ofbridge. BUllhe thing Ihal drove me nUlS about I~i(hard, Ihat had me raising my voice ou the phone 10 my cx-wife-soltledting I wonld rC;llly have prefer ..."cl to avoid- was that Richard just didn't seem to understand tha I my son WaS one in a million. len million, a hilliun. ltichard thonght Pat needro improving. And my SOn didn't ne~"cl improving. He wa~ sp~'Cial already. Hichard wllH~"cl my son to love I-larry Potie r. wooden toys and tofu. Or was it lentils? But my son loved Star Wars. plastic light sab ...s and pizza. My SO!] stubbornly remained true to the COlUs<: of mindless violence and carbohydrates with eXtra cheese. At first Richard w>s happy to play aloug, back in the days when he was stilltrymg 10 ga in entry mto Gin a·s pants. Before he was finally bnntcd a multiplc-emry ~iS3 ilHO those pants. before he married my a-wife. my son's ilium, Hichard used to love pretending 10 be Han Solo to my son's Luke Skywalker. Loved it. Or at least >Cled like he did. Aud 'l'litc frankly my SOli would warm to Saddant Huss"';n iflte pretended to be Ilan Solo for fi,-" millUlcs. N ow Richard was no longer trying. or he was trying;11 a different way. He didn·t want t() be my sou·s friend any more. !-k v...anted lu be rnurr like a parent. Improving my buy. As though improving S0111eoue is ally killd of substitute fur loving them You m ake all those promises to you r spouse and then one day yon grt SOmc lawycr to prove that they nO lunger mcan a thing. Gina waS paT! of my past now. Hut you dun·t get di-
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vmced from your children, And you can never break free of your vows to them. That·s wl13l Paris was all about. I was trying 10 keep my unspoken promisc~ to my son To stillmatkr to him, To always matter. I was tryin g to convince him. or perh.ps myself. th:11 nothing fundame1l1al had challged between us. Because I miss... d my boy. When he WaS 110t there, that"s when I really kn ew how much I loved him. Loved him SO much that it physically hurt, lov,·d him SO much that I waS .Iw.ys afraid SOme nameless harm wuuld corne to him .• nd afraid that he waS going to forb'Ct me. th at I wou ld drift to the very edge of hi, life. and my love and the missing would all eOllnt for nothing. I was terrified th3t I mighT turn up for un,· of my access visits and h,· wouldn·t be able to quue place "',.. Hidiculou s? Maybe. Ilot we spem most of the weck lp
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templated taking him to the Louvre, but I decided he was too small and the mUSCu1l1 was tOO hig. So wh.t ,,"(: did was take a Bateau Moudt e down the Seine lnd {hen gr.tbbed 1 couple of Croquc Mon~icnr in J linle cafe in the Marais. " French chttS<.· oil to.St: Pat said, tucking in. "This IS tnllydehcious: After that we went for a kickabout in\he J ardin du Luxcm" bourg. booting his plastic football aroun d under the chestnut treeS wlule young couples necked On park ocnches and pampered dogs sauntered around with their uoses ill the air .nd everybody smoked as dlOugh it was the fifties. Ap¥t (rom the bolt trip down the riveT. and the fancy che<'S( on toost. it wasn't so different to our usual Sundays. But It felt ,pecial, and I dunk our h"arts were lighter th.n dlt"y ever were in Londou. It was one of those days that you fed like putting in a bottle. so you Can keep it forever. and nobody can ever take it away from you. It all went well until we got back to the Gare du Nord. A; soon as we went up to the dep;murc: <CS onlhc station's first noor. YOIl could see something was wrong. There Wert people everywhere. Backpackers, businessmen, groups of tourists. All stranded because there was something ou the line. Leaves or rcfugct's? Nobody knew. BU1there WerC no trains coming in or leaving. That's when I knew we were in trouble. I w:l.S glad that my o"m f.ther w:l.S not ~Ii\'<' to S<"e all of this. The shock would h~\'e killed hun, I Swear to God it would.
BUI I kn ew in my heart that I didn't spend endless hours with my own dad . Myoid man neveT took me to Pari~ fOT the day. I may have grown up with my dad under the Same roof.
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but he worked six days a week, long hours, and Ihen he came horne sJX'echkss wilh ,-,d, .usti on, siuing th{'re {'aling his cooked dumCT in from oflhe TV, rdleeting sikmly 011 the btCSt dance routine fmm Pall's People. Myoid nlln was ",parated fmm me by Ihe need for work .lId money, I was sl-para ll-d frol11 Pal by divorce and rcsidnlCY orders, Was it really so diffcrt:nt? Yes , il w.s different, Even If I rarely saw my father- and perhaps I am kidding m}'Scl( bUI even now I believe I can recall every kicbhonl I ever had with myoid Illan, every f<X>lb.lImatch we went to t<>gcthrr, every tnp tn Ih,- cinema-my father waS never afraid that someone would stcal !lIe away, that [ might start c.lling somc other man Dad I-Ie went throngh a lot in his life, from a din -poor child hood to ",,,rid war to terminal nnn-.. But he never had to go through th.t. Wail ml/il)'Ourfall,er,~ lilli/Ie, I was told by my mum, again and again. And so I did. I spent my childhood waiting for my father to corne home. Aud perlups Pat waited too. Um he knew in his hean th.t his father was never coming home. Not .ny more. Myoid man thought that the wor,tthing in th is world ynn can evcr be is a bad parent III yonr ch ild. Ilut th ere's something almost as bad .s that, Dad. You cau be a stra nger. And of cOllrS( I wanted my son to have a happy Iife_ I wanted him to be a guod boy for his mother. and to get on ukay with her new husband, and to do well .t school and to realize how lucky It{' is to have fOUl1d a friend like Ikrnie Cooper_ But I also want~-d my son 10 love me the way he used to 10"'- me. Let's not furget that hil.
Two
By T HE TilvlE T HE BLACK CAli finallycr.wlcd mto the street where he lived. l':lt was fast asleep_ And how sleep S<.'elllcd \0 wipe lway the years. Awah', hi, lovely {ace ""cmro permanently on guard,
glazed with the heart- tugging vigilanu' of. child who h .. had to find a place bctwccn his divorced pnCllts . Awah: he waS sharp-eyed and wary. forever negotiating the minefield betv>'~..,n a mother and (ather who at some point ill h is short life had b'TOWIl sick of living under the same roof. Ilut >sleep he
waS roulld-faced and defenseless again. his flimsy shields all gone. Not a C3re in the world. The lights in his home WeTC blazing. And they were all OU1 on the little pathway. lit lip by the secu rity light, waiting for our return.
Gina. my {'x-wife, tim face [ had once f.llen ill love wi th now pinch~.,j wilh fury. And Hichard, her Clark Ken! look_alike. gym_roned and bespectacled. ewry inch rhe smug second husb.nd. offering comforr .nd suppOrt.
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Even Uli, th e au pair, was sianding watch, he r anm folded acrms her chest like a junior fishwi fe. Only the enormous policeman who was with tllWI looked vaguely sympathetic. Perhaps he was a Snnday dad. too. G ina marched down the path to nK...,t us as I paid the driver. I pushed op.:n the cab door .lId gl"1!tly scoop<.-d my SOli up in my anm. He waS getting heavier by the week. Then Gina waS taking hun away. looking atmc as though wc had ncvcr mCI. "Are y<.ll! cl inically insanc ," ~Th e tralll- " ~Are you completdy mad? Or do you do theS<." things 10 hurt tne'"I called as soou as J knew we v,:ercn'l b'Oing 10 make it homc hy b... dtim ...." It was true. I had called Ihem on a borr"""d phom' from Ihc Gare du Nord. Gi ll a had b.xn a bit hysteric.1 to discover we were sifanded in a foreign counlry. lucky I had 10 cut it short. "Par;';. Bloody Paris. Without even asking me. WIthout c,'en thinking: "Sorry, Ginl. I rcally anI." "Sorry. Gitll." she parroted. "So sorry, Gina." I mighl have guessed she was going 10 sUrt the parrot routim, . If you have been married to sonu'one, th"l1 you kllow cxanly how they argue . It's like twO boxers who have fought each other hefore. Ali and Frazier. Durall and Sugar n ay. Me and Gina. You know each other too well. Shc always did this when our rnarril g" waS st.rting to f.1l apart-rcpe~ting my words, holdillg them up and fillding them wanting. throwing them back al me. along with any household items th.t were lying around . Making my 'jXlloSICS, .libis and excuSeS a ll Scrlll "mp!}, aud feeble. U.dow the \x.1t. I ah"",ys thought.
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We actually didn't fight all that often, Jt wasn't that kind of marriage, Not Ulilil the very CIId, Ahh ongh you would liner b'\less thJllIOW, ~Wc were worried ~ick. You were lIleant to be uking him (0 (he park. NO! dragging him h alfway >round Europe." Halfway around Europe? Tim waS. bit rich. lim then wanton ex:lf:l,>eralion was anuther feature of Gilla's fighting slyle. J could11'( help remembering that this was a woma11 who had tr3\Tlrd to Jap," .Ionc wh..,n she waS a teen'b,<:r and lived there (or a yrar. Nuw that's halfw.y around the world. And she loved it. And she would have so"e back. Ifshe hadn't met me. If she hadn't b'Ot pregn.nt. If she had,, 't g,,'cn up J.pan (ur her boys. For l':lt and me. We used to be her boys. Hoth o( liS. It was a long timc J!,"J.
"II was only Paris. Gina: I ... id, knowing it would infuriate her, and un.ble to restrain myself. We kn ew each other (ar too wclllo ar!,'\lc in a civilized manner. "It'sjusllike going down the rood. Paris is practically next door: "Only l':lris? He's sewn years old. He has 10 SO to school in the morning. And you say it's on ly Paris? We phoned the police. I was c.llillg til<' ltospita Is." "I called you, didn't I?" " In the end. When you had no choicc. When you kllew YOll wcrrn't g<Jing to grt away wilh it." She heft~-d Pat ill her aTmS. "What wcr,' you thillking uf. J'larry? What go<'s On in your head? Is there 'lIything in there at .ll?" How cou ld she possibly undersund what went on in my head' She had him every day- Alld I had him for one 10uS)' day a week. She waS Glfry;"g P:u up the gardclI path nuw. Itrailrd oc-
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hind her, avoiding eye contact with her husoond and the au pair 3nd the ellonnous cop. And what was that cop doing h{"Te auyway? [t was almost as if SOmeOne had reponed a possible kidmpping. But wlm kind of Ilut joh wou ld do 1 thing [ike that? "Look, Gina, rm really sorry you were' SO worrit-d." And it waS true. [ fdt t{"Trible tim she had been phoning the hospitals. the pollee. itmgining the worSt. [ con[d imagine how that felt . -It WOIl"t happen again. Next Sunday 1'11 _" -rll haw to think abom next Sunday." That stopped me ill my tracks. "\VIlal does that mean? I ca n still see him next Sunday. can't I?" She didn't amwt'r. She was finisht'd with me. Totally finished with mc. lhckcd by her husband and th e hired help. Gina carried our son across the threshold of her home. into thai place where [could never follow. Pat yawned, stretched. almost woke up. In a voice so soft aud gemlc that it did someth ing to my insides. Gina told him to go back to sleep. Then Hi cltard was between us. giving mc an oh_how_could_you? look. Slowly shaking his head, and with this maddcning little 'mile. he closed the door in my face. I rcachcrl for the doorbell. I just had to get this straigh t about Sunday. And that', whcn I fc[t the cop's hand on my shoulder. Ouce I was the 1IIan of her dreams. Not JUSI thc man who looked .fter her kid 011 Sundays. The man of her dreams. hack in the years when all ofGim's dreams Wl'Te offanllly. Gin a yearned for fam,ly life, ached for it. in the way thai is
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uniqne to those who come from what were once called brnken homcs. Her fuher had walked out just Ix,fore Gina stanoo school. He WJ.~ a musician. a pretty good guimist. who "could never quite make il. Failnre WJ.S waiting for him. in bolh the music busiuess and the link smashed families that he lefl in his wake. Gknn~h,' was Glenn to eV{"ryone and Dad to no one. especially not his childrcn-gave rod and roll the best years of his life. I-Ie gave the women and children he left behind nothing but heartache and sporadi c maintenance payments. Gina and her mother. who had given up a modestly successfu l modeling career for her spectacubrly unsuccessful husband. wcrt· just the first of many. Thnc would be more abandoned famili,'s Iii«· thcm~women who had been cek·bratcd beauties in the sixties and seventies. and the children who were left bewildered by separation before they cou ld ride a hike. From her mother Gma got her looks, a perfect symmetry of fCJIUR""s that she was always dismissive of, tbe way on ly the truly beautiful can be. From Glenn her inheritance WaS a hunger for a stable family life. A fam ily of her own that nnlxxly could ever take away. She thought she wonld find it with me lx'cauS{"" that was exactly where I callte from. She thought I was some kind of expert on Ihe traditional s{""IUP of father, mother and child living in a little suburban home. untonch~-d by divorce statistics, unshak.:ibly nuciear. Until J met Gitll. I always thought th" my family waS emb.rr.ssingly ordinary. Gina made us feci exolic-ou1<.! ,h., was true of my mum and dad, as well as me. This smiling blond vision came into our world and up our garden path and illto our living room, telling uS we were special. UJ. Our fri{"nds.11 thought that GllIa ."d J wert too young for
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marnage. Gin. was a student ofJapanese, looking fm a way to live her life in Tokyo or Yokohama or Osaka. I waS a ndio producer. looking for a way imo ockvision. And our friends all re(koncd it WlS Wly too soon for wedding vows Jnd l hahy. monogamy and a mortgage. Ten years too soon. TI,,'y- the languag~ smde nl s who thuught the world waS waiting for th~m. and the slight ly older cynics at my radio sutio11 who thought they had seen It all befor~"-believed that there were planes to catch. 10'·c,.. to m~...,t. drugs 10 be taken. music lu be heard. adwlllures to be had. forngn flats to be telllC"
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And it was madness. Just madness. Because aft<.""r Gilla found OUl. we all had to sun again. j
sell! money every mOll!h
The money w .., never latc. I wanted to send money. I wanted to help bring up my sun in any way I could. Th.t waS only right and propcr. But sometimes I wOlld{"fed about the money. Was it all being spcnt on Pat' Really? Every penny? J-J ow could r know that none of it waS being blown on the guy my ex-wIfe t"'rried? Bloody Hichard. I didn·1 know. r couldn·t knuw. And even that was okay, but I felt like the money should give me cen.in basic hnman rights. Such as. I should be .ble to call my son Wh<"lleVCf r needed to ulk to him. It shouldn·t Ix·. probl em. It should Ix· normal. And how r miss... d lW,mai. A few days of nonnality. full board- what a wekolne minibreak that would be. But when I pIcked up the phone r always found I couldu·t dial th e IInmber. What if Hichard-stranb'C the way I c.lled him by his first name. as if we w{"ft: actually fricnds-"IIswered? What then? Small talk' Small talk seemed inadeqllate for our situation. So words failed me. I replaced the n..,eiver and didn't make the call. I stuck to the schedule \,,"orked out in advallce with Gina, and my only child and I lIIighl as well have ocen on differellt planets. But I still felt like the momhly money_which my current wife, I mcan my secon d wife. J mean "'y wife, thought waS a ud 100 generous, by the way. whal with uS wallting to 1II0ve 10 , bif:l:,'Cr place in .. octter area-should lIIe,1I 50111<"thing. It wasu't as though I was S(}mc wayward bastard who didn·t want to know. who had .lready moved 011 to his new f'!lIlly. who w.s qUlle kren 10 forb'CI.1I thaI weill before. I waS
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flot like one of those scnmbags. I was not like Gina's old man , But what Call you do' I'm only his fltller, My wife understood me. My wif.'. Th.t's how I thought ofher. S!'cond wife . Iways sollndc.a plain awful. Lik!' second horm' ·--solU!'thing yOll g!'t away !O on the w~"ekend and during the longer schoo l holi_ days . Or second c.r-as if she w.s a rusty "\IV! Beetle. Second wife soundrd likr ",,'condhand, second choice, S{'cond best-and Cyd deS{'rvcd f:l.T bett!" than .11 of that. All that second business w.sn't b'OOd e" ough for Cyd, didn't describe her at all. And new wife-that WaS no goc>d either. Too much like trophy wife, too much hkc so-many-yearsmy-junior wife, too many images of dirty old men running off with their sc<:retaries. N o--my wi fe. Th at' s her. That' s Illy Cyd. Like Cyd Chariss". The dancer. T he girl'" Sing;,,' ill ,l,e Rai" who danced with Gene Kelly and never ",id a ""oTd. IkcauS{' she didn 't have 10. She had thoS{' legs, that face, that name of pure fire. Gene Kelly looked at Cyd Charissc, and ,vord, we re nnt necessary. I knew the f'-"eling. Cyd uuderstood me. She would even uuderstand abom Suuday aftemoon iu Paris. Cyd was Illy wi fe. That was it. That was all. And this life r ",,'IS remrning to now, it was not new. and it was second to nothing. This was Illy marriage. We had been ", ..ried for JU St over a yen. It had ocen • great year. Tht beSt year ever. She had become my cloS{'st friend and she hadn't stopped being my lover. We were at that stage when YOll feel both familiarity and excitement, when things an' getting better .nd nothing has wOrn 0((, that happy pnioo whm you divide your lim!' OCt,...rcn building. horne
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and fucking each others hrains out. Shopping for towels and polS followed by wild, 3th1clic sex. You can'l OC3t it. Cyd was Ihe nicest person I kmw, aud she also drove me crazy. T he only reason J went to the gym wa~ bccau~ J didn't want he, to stop fancying me . My sit_up, we'e all fo, her. I hoped it wonld always oc that way. Uut if you have been badly burned once. you nn nn'n be lOully sun'. After you have taken a ~pin through the divorce courts. forever seems like a very long time . And maybe that's a positive thing. Maybe that SlOpS yOll from treating the 10"e of your life hkc a picn' of sdfassembled furniture. It WaSI1't like that with Illy SOIl. I pbnned to stay with Cyd nntil we were both old and gTly. But you nc,'er know. do you? In my expcrit·nce. relatiun,hips comt· and go but being a parell! lasts .lifnime. What's the e"Prt'ssion? Till death liS do part. Uefore [went into our bedroom I checked on Pellb'Y' She was out for the count but she had kicked off her covers and WaS clutching a Hine-inch moulded-plastic doll to her brushed-cotI01' pajamas. I\,ggy was 3 pale-faced. pretty child with an air of solemnity about her, even whell she was w hat my mum would call sOllndo, meaning fast ",Ieep. TI", doll in her tiny fist ,vaS a s,range-looking creature. COC03 colon..! but widt long blond hair and blue, blue eyes. Lucy Doll. Marketing slogan_l 1_0I~ Lluy Dcl'. Made in Japan bm aimed at the global marketplace. I was h<.-.;oming an expert on this sruff. There waS nothing WASPy about Lucy Doll, nothing "'motely Barbie about her. She looked a little li ke the blond one in Destiny's Child. or one of those new kind of $ingcrs. An.Slacia and Alicia Keys and a few mOre I can't namc. who arC so raciall y indnCTminatc that they look like they could
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come from anywhere in the worLd. Lucy Dnll. She had fnlly poseabk armS attd kgs. I't-~'Y was crazy abom her. I covered them both up with at! official Lu cy Dnll blattket. Peggy WlS Cyd's dlild from her previous nllrrilge to l handsome waste of space called Jim. This good_looking loser whu did om· right thing in his lif.· Wh<"ll he helped to make little Pe!)!,'Y. Jim with his weakness for Alian girls. Jun with his weakn css (or big motorbikes that he kept crashin g. He Came around to our house now and Ihcn 10 see his dmghlcr.• lthuugh he waS not on a fixed schcdule hke me wilh Pat. 1't-!)b'Y·s dad Illnl.·d up mor<· ur less when he felt like it. And his daughter WaS crny about him. The oo,urd. I had mel 1\·!)b'Y before I m<"l Cyd. Back Ihen Peggy WaS JUSt the linle girl who looked aflcr my son. in th ose awful mouths when he WaS sti ll fragile and frightened after I had spli t up with his mother. Peggy looked afler Pat in hi, early days at school, spcnt so much time wilh him Ihat they somctimes secmed like brother ."d sister. That bond was fading now that their Ii.'n were increasingly separate. now that Pat had !lemie Cooper and I"ggy had a besl fricnd of her own sex who also loved Lucy Doll. hut l"'IIb'Y still felt like more thatt my stepdaughler. It ftlt hke I IMd watched her grow up. I lcft Peggy clutching Lucy Doll and went qnictly into our bedroom. Cyd was sleeping on her half orlhe bed. the ,IceI' of a married wOman. As I got undressed she stirred. Catne half-awake and sletpily Iisten~-d to my Story about Pat and Paris and brokcn trains. She took my hands in hers and nodded encouragement. She b'Ol it nmncdialcly. ~You poor guys. You and l"at will oc fint:'. I promise you.
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okay? Gin' will c,hn down. She'll s<;e yon didn'lmean it. So how's Ihe wealher in Pari s?" "It ",",s son of cloudy, And Gill. says she has!O Ihink 3hom next Sunday" "Giw her a few days. She's got a right to be mad . Bm you'vc gol a rigJlt 10 rakc yout boy !O l':Iris. Jump in lxxl. Con", on." I slipped between the sheets, feeling an enormous surge of gr;uilude. What Gina saw as an unthinking, rC(:kless acl of ne" glen Cyd Saw as a b-oocl idea Ihal went badly wrong. An act of love that missed Ihe ITain horm', She waS biased, of COurSe. flUl I said a prayer of thanks Ihal I was married to this woman . And I kn ew il wasn'tlhc wedding band Ihat made her my wife, Or Ihe certificale they );'I"C uS in Ihal sac[('d link place, Or even the promises we had made. It was the fact Ihat she was on my side. th at her love and support ""'erc there for me and would always be Ihere. I !:lIked on 111 Ihe darkness, fcding the warmlh of my wife next 10 me, Iryiug to reassure myself Ihal Ihis mess could be fIXed. I would call Gina in Ihe Illnming, I said, I had to get ;1 straighl about nexi Sunday and if I shollid pick I'al lip al the usual lime. Aud I had 10 apolOb~u for worrying her ,ick. I hadn't llIealll 10 caUSe all this t rouble, We only Weill 10 I'aris \x"Caus.c J didn'l wanl Pat 10 he like Ihe other kids wilh their I'art.time dads. The little half. French girl who hadj"'llUm~-d vcgl"farian, and the cOllntless millions jusl like her. I want~-d 1'3110 fed like he had a real fathn, who did spcci3lthings wilh hun, adventures that he would rememhcr foreve r, Likc my dad did wilh mc . My wife kissed me to chen mt" lip, and nO doubt to shut me up, and tlwn she kissed me sume more.
,
ryr
ate
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It '!OOn became a different kind of kissing. It became th e
kiud of ki ssing tim has nothing 10 do with soothing aud cuddles and reassurance. The ki nd of kissing Ihal had staned c\·crything. 1"11 Soly thi~ for our marriage-it hadn 't chan gcd the quality of the kissing. TIIl'n she W:lS waiting for 1TIl", her black haIr fanning om aCr OSS the pillow. her facc lit by only the glow of a street lam p coming through the slats of the blinds. Th is woman J was still mad aOOUI. My wife. J moved toward hrr wilhout readnng for th e little wooden box lU the bedside drawer that contain ed Our family planning. Then J heard her sigh in the darkness. "Don't make me go thrOllgl1 ,his every time. I·hrry. Please. darling. Come on. YOli alread y ha"e a kid. Didn', Wt· agTt'e lin all that?" I had beell reading a lot about baby hunb'Cr rrectltly. It was regularly featured in the -You and Yours" pages or our Sunday paper. Women de'perate to give birth. It '"as sllpposed to be all the rage. Bm my wife didn't havt· baby hunger. She acted like she had already catcu . We had diS<:lIsS<.'d having a child of our own, of course. I wanted it nnw, because it would make us a family. Cyd wanR"
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l3ut after we made love J slept faciog the same w ay as my wife, our bodies lUcked tight tq,,<:ther, my right ann lightly
curkd arolllld her waist. And for all those 5weet hOltl'S that we slept like that, makiog spoons and dr.:aming, she was the only one for me, and it wasn't cornplicat<'
Three
'ONLY TWICE
IN
\'OUR lift, do rh
luything, - said E~rnon Fish. squiming ill a solil:lry spotlight. "The first is man and wife. The second is dead." There w:os alw.lYs work. Evell when my WIfe w::I.S directing me to the condom box and my ex- wife was no longer talki ng
to me, there was always work. Work WaS easier than family. It is casirr 10 (C<.'"llikc you Jrc some kind of successful huma n being at wor k. Whatever you do. dOll'! try feeling like a successfu l hum an being at home.
"I corne from one of those hUb'" Irish farnilks.- Eamon said, moving uross a TV stud io floor 11m was SCt and hi 10 look like one of those hasement dubs where he honed his stand _up roUline.
~Tc n
kids."
Whi stles from tht" audicnn' , who werc .1"':lYs cncuur.Ig<xi to act as though they were in S01l1e imim.te Sulto dive, rather than an antiseptic television st\ld io in the western suburbs of wlldoll _
«Yeah.l know. Can yon be hevc it ? Ten of us. 13m afocr the teruh my p.r{"]l1s had this gnat mtthod of coruraa-ption.
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Never faik-d. Ewl)' night before they went to bed, they would sp<'lId 1 coupl<."" ofhouTS with Ill{" and my broth("rs and sisttTS." When youlre al\ absent puent. th("11 ewl)' hour with your child feels like lnoth("r hour gone. Tlut"s whlt the missing fl_ ther or mother fecls most acutely. not the bei~.~ u·jt!,. bm the countdown to the bri,'S apart. But thnt waS still work. with its cold crumbs of comfort, with its 'luick fix of fulfillm("lIt, and Eamon Fish and his brilliant ca ...."er. 'One day my dad came home early and found me mam in \x-d with th(" milkman,' Eamon ""id. 'She waS namrally horrified. '0/, Ced!' shc says. Thm'lull ,/" p<mm.,,!' " Eamon bad come a long way since he first showed up at my door 1\"0 years ago, dark eyed and good_looking and scared, fH'sh of( the stand -up circuit, wondenng if TV was going to make him famom or ~-wallow him alive. Now he had all the trappings of succcss- a show that "'":IS in ils fourth scries, three National Television Award s, tWO und~""orated flats in fashionable neighbourhoods (fempl<."" Bar, Duhlin and Clerkenwcll, London) and---<)h yes-a UOO-. +day cocame habit. Despite coming so far from the grttn ficids of Kibrucy, and despite making such a spbsh in London, Eamon still en· joyed playing the wide-eyed Irish boy, fresh off the farm and tht early Aer lingus flight front Cork. Ht dung to the myths ofhis paSt lif(" like a drowning man with a wonky life belt. I had produced Eamon's lale night talk show from Ihe starl. Fi,h 0/, Friw.y worked Ix-.;ause we always played to Eamon's strenb'1hs. Dl"Spilc thoS<.· twO yc~rs On thl' box, Ill" waS still ~ stand-up at heart. I'k could t:\lk to tlte b'uCSts, bamer with all the bit players of the showhi~ wh,rl, btll he was neVer so g<XJd as when he w~s talking to himself ~Mosl of the babies Hl Kilnmey are vel)' \x-amiful. It's true, I tell you.- The link nervOuS cough he used fOT punctu-
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ation. Stolen from his hero, Woody Allen, ahhough Eamon had mad,... tim !lavOnS cough his own. "13m I was so ugly when I ",cas bom that my midwi f,... said. 'lit's 'lOt dc"e )""t,' and shoved me bac k in. I don't know. It's wdiffe rcnt over hereall the gynecologists are men. What'. that . bom' That's like gl"lting a mtchanic who has nn'a uwned a car." Work was incr" asi ngIy import:lIllIO me. Not JUSt occause I was self-employed now. with my own little one-show production company. Not just h«ause the numher of bills I had to pay secmed to bc growing every year. Thc rcal reaSOn [ worktd SO hard was because this waS what I did heSt. Dealing wilh commissioni ng editors. productiou coordinators and the talent. I could wlk to these people. ! could get them to do wh at nct-dcd to Ix· dune. l earfnl makeup girls. surly floor managt'rs, drunken lighting techniclallS. I had ""cn it all before. Guests wilh stage frigIlI. guests who turned up blitzed. guests who frole when the r~-d light above the camer:> came OIL That was nothing new. This was my world. and I Sp<"ll! time here he.,.u"" there was nowhere el ...· that I fed so comfortable. Even if you have JUSt the 01le sllow, Ielevision d"mands that you work long da}"'!. Early mornings and late nights, script meetings and full rehearsals, too mIlch coffee and not enough daylight . Sometimes [ lost sigIl t of why I worked so hard. And then [remcmbered. I worh>d hard for Pal. of cnurse. FQr Cyd and F\:ggy too. Also for my mother. now Ihal my dad had g<.lne. and his ",age' wt:re nOI coming in, alth ongh I knew my mu", would talh ... St:II..,·C Ihan uk me for a pe1l1lY. And whatcvCf my wife said. I couldn't stop mysdffeeling that I W>S also "mrklllg for my child. N ot the li ttle boy who lived wilh his mother. or the little gnl who hved with me.
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My other child. The om' who hadn't ocen born ytl,
nme home to loud music, wild dluciugllld l house full of three_foot high females in their party dot he'. P<1;b'Y waS eight year> old today. She w:b growing up fast. The wllls of her bedroom wt"Te co\'ered in the moody images of the latest hunky, hairless boy bands. papering ove r the J>vtnhOIllM posters of a few years ago. alld many of her games increasingly featured Brucie DollLm)' Dull's offieial, moulded-plastic COnStant companion. And the rising boy aWareness was ironic because at mOSt of Peggy's social g
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at this," she ",id. ~ Lucy Doll Ballerina. Small pm::s may cause choking! l'imIMI;(," My SOli smilL-d politdy, the perfect guest, as Lucy Doll did [he splits, her phs[ic pelvis as flexihk as any porn star\. I went oITto look for my wife. Cyd waS in Ihe kilchen wilh the mOlhers. I don'l kn ow what had happened to the falhers, bm they were all S01l1<·· where else. My wife WOlS cover"'g a tray of tapas with cling fi lm. She ran her own catering husiness. so our house was al. ,",ays full oCfood that SOmCOne else waS going to cat. She came over and kissed me lightly on the mouth. "Did you b~t her Ibiza DJ BnlCic Doll?" "Sold OUt. No more Ibiu DJ Brucie Doll's nntil next ,",eck. So I got her Lucy Dull lhlknna instead." ~They'\"e nfVfr b'Ot any of the Umeit, Doll merchandist, in stock." said one of the mothers. "It gets rigln on my tits: "Mayoc we shou ldn't be encouraging the Lucy Doll thing: I said. The mothers all st:lred al me in silence. Most of them were a !,-ood few yea rs older than Cyd. My wif,' became a parent when she was ill her middle twenties. Like me , A 101 of these mothers h.d spent twenty years pressing the snooze button nu their biological docks. "Why 011 tarth lIot!" om, of Ihem d"mandcd in the lOne of voice Ihat had OIlC{" froz{"n an {"mire boilrdroom of middle· aged male exeCHtives with bollock.shriveliug fear. -Well: I said. ne rvously looking at their disapproving faces. "Doesn'l the whok Luey-Urucie thing remforcc unheal thy sexual slcrrotypes?" "I think Lucy Doll is a great role model." one of !he moth. ers said. -Me 100: said .nothCT mother. "She's in .Iong-Ierm relationship wilh Brucie 0011."
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works: said yet another. ~She h", Jim. She Ir",.,/s. She has lOIS o(fri",d,. ~ "She's a 'm"i(i~". a
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makc- up--sevcn, eight years old and they were addicted to cosmetics, tWO yeaTS at school and already they put cheap CreJUlS and potiolls 011 thei r brand 1l<.'W, perfect .kin, They aspired to he all tim thei r mothers Iud fled frOI11_ They dreamt'd of being fifties housewives. Perhaps that WlS why the mothers Ufll-ll scenu'd on the ,-erge oflosing their tcmper. My wife had the balanc.- right. She waS a greatUlother, bm she also had this business that WOlS rea lly starting to take oft She could make money, "uke a home and "uke it .11 seem like thc mOSt nalllralthing in the wurld. I watched her making her way tow;ud me thuugh thc dm·c·fuot-high dancers, and I WOlS 50 proud of her. 'Come on, handsome, dlllce with your fV,'0 girls: she said. -Yuu tOO, Pat." My son got up, Jnd St.lrtctl "loving from foot to fOOl, shyly at first. but then with greater abandon as he copied l'cggy's derVISh whirl. I slipped my hands around my wife's waist, muving with her. loving that smihng facc she wort' when she danced, as if it waS the most nJ IUTalthing in tile world. And I thought that sonlctime5 my world felt like onc of those warn" ings yon get on a toy box-the bit about small parts causing choking. But wheu Cyd and I'cSb'Y and Pal aud I danced to Kylic Minogue in the remains of thl."' party, colorl."'d streamers underfoot, half-eatcll sandwiches trod into the parquet floor. thcn We hughL"
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It was lime to ell! Ihe cake. The four of us crowded arouud Ihe
coffee table. Cyd and me and I'Cf:l:;y and l':It. Onr newly blended family. II ~hould hal'C becn ,Iuppy momenl. But wheu Pat had finishl-d wolf"'g down his cake. my son~.t an agl' when hl' was highly amused by all bodily fUllctioll,;...-.-accidcnully let Out a su.-prisingly rcson~nt belch. ~Hal" he s.oid. grin n ing shl'Cpish Iy. - Now that's funnyl" PCSb'Y daintily dahbed her lips with a napkin . "No. act ually. it's nOt remotely fUll ny, l':It. It· s JUSt dISgusting. Isn't it. Mummy?" Cyd smiled at the pair of them. "It's just- ..·,ell. it's nOt very nice. But I'm sllre Pat's nOt going to do it again " "Well , [don't find it funny," s.oid l)q~,'Y. who fur a link girl could already do a convincing lmpl"Tsonation of millor royalty. "And I'm sure a big boy like Patdocsn't find it funny." s.oid Cyd. "not when he thinks about il.~ My son was devasuled. He hung his head, his face burning, suddenly pamfully aware that he was Ihc only boy m a room full of girls. I knew that the belch had JUSt slipped OUI, a"d that he had only drawn altention to it becausc he was certain it would be a source of general hilarity and rejoicing. And for the first time. but not the last, I was torn. Torn bc.'twCCIl loyalty 10 my son alld loyalty to my wife. To he honest. I didn't particu larly want him burping and farting and belching around m e either~he could s.o\"C the gas_ orientated gags for his leering link frimds at school, who would 110 doubl r"'''':Ird every willdy tmissiott with a slaudittg ovation. and tears ofhelplcss mirth and much thigh 51:>pping. But when I saw his dlech burning with humiliation and his eyes fill up with tears, I could (HI my blood rising.
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I-Ie didn't deserve to be sh amed. Not for one lousy little burp. "I'k's only a kid: I said to Cyd. "What do you ex]'e.:!? Oscar Wi ldd Let him eat hi, cake ill peace, wi!] ~"()\l?" Peggy and Cyd star l-.;! at me. My wife s.aid noth ing. jmt sort of widcrll"d her Ix-.miful little girls, '" tht")' Sl'I abom bursting all the balloons.
Four
My
MO T HE R SL [P T WI T H THE llGf!TS ON .
In the hQuse where she had .peut most of hcr lUarrkd life. where she was a young wife and mother. the house that had been her home for so long, she a{tempted to sleep at night
with all her bedroom lights blazmg.
I (ound out because changing dead light bulbs was one of dtc lil11c jobs dlat I did for her 1I0W, There was a light direct ly above the bed she had shared with my fat her for a lifetime. ! realized I w:os changing it every time I weill round 10 sec her. "1 C1U', s.ecm 10 1100 off. J·hrry. [ lay ther<." with my Prop/.
and ta lk radio on low- next door has
a new baby. did r tell you? She's a little smasher_and as soon as [drop otT, J Wol ke b'Ol
up again. Funny, isn't it? Isn't it strange'" "It's nOI
.t"Il,;" at all , Mu""
T],I" reaSOn you can'! sltep is
because you\~ b'Ot a l00-W111 b"lb bumi1lg right 3bovc you r head_ It's a sle<:p deprivation technique _A form of tor\\lre" "Oh, I don't know abolltthat. love" 'Of courSe you can't sln'p. You can't skep ocnus<' you
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don't turn your light off, Can't you try sleeping with the light om Call't you try iljust ouce, Mum? Please?' 'Oh, r couldn' t do that: sl", said, smoothing my son's b'Oldcn bell oflu;r as he SAt on the floor hctween liS, consult· ing the TV li.,ting-;. "I conldn't lay there all night in the dark . Not without your dad.My father had been dead for tvm years. It was already 1\\-'0 years since my father lay III that hospital Ix-d, his brain fogged hy pain and the killers of pain, the sickness ovnwhelming 111m. And I thought that the old man's lung C>nCer wou ld surely kill both of them. r didn't think that my mother could live without my father. She v,.'Quld surely die too. But they we re tougher than they looked, women like my mum, those forever wives, the dutiful bom<'makns whose om' act of rclx'lhon waS w<'armg miniskins for a brief pnioo as the sixties became the
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dinner-his "tea"-like a tribal chieftain home from the wars. But in old age, in widowhood, it turned out that my mum 's gene ration of women had an independent streak that they were never given credit for. All those hou ewives from the fifties and sixties, all th ose brides of austerity, the last ge neration of women who made clothes for their children- inside their sensible pastel-colored cardigans, they we re made of steel. My mum didn 't die. My dad's death didn't kill her. She refused to let his death be her death too . She saw her friends for coffee and cake, exchanged gossip with a floating social forum known simply as "the girls on th e bus," she kn itted clunky jumpers for the neighbor 's baby, the little smas her 110.'t door-my mum th ought th at all babies were little smashers-she played Dolly Parton at full vo lume on her Sony mini stereo system . "Lovely voice," she said of Dolly Parton. "Lovely figure." She called her pack of brothers every day- it was almost impossible to reach her on the phone, she was always engaged-she fretted about their jobs, th eir children, their health. My mum was living w ithout my father, the man she bu il t her world aro und. She was living her life without him. That seemed incredible to me. And, I suspected, to her too. My dad's death had left her maddened with grief She cried in supermarkets, on the bus, at all the wro ng times . She couldn't help herself She cried until the tears we re all gone. But she coped. More than that, she learned to engage with life, to fend for herself, to laugh aga in. "I'm not dead ye t," she was fond of pointing out. Apart from the lights burning all night long-what did she th ink wo uld happen to her in the darkness?-my mum car-
cO! yr~1 t
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TONY
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ried on. Not as normal, because no rmal was gone now, but in a world that had changed, a world without her beloved Paddy. And she did it because my mother was a woman who didn ' t just love my father. She loved people. All kinds of people. The yo ung neighbors and their new baby. The old woman on th e o th er side, my Aunti e Ethel , who isn' t really my auntie at all , who was a yo ung wife and mother with my mum , more than half a lifetime ago. Sh e loved those old fri end s who met her in th e new Starbucks on the main stree t of the suburban town where she had made a life. And her family. All her brothers, their numbers only now starting to dwindle. The women they married. Their grown-up children, now w ith children of their OW I1. And then there was me, her only child. But above and beyond all the rest of us, my mum loved her grandson. Her Pat. My son was th e best reason she had for carrying on with myoid man gone. "H e's the love of my life, aren't you , go rgeous? He's my little darlin g." M y son smiled patiently, reachin g fo r the remote. There was a kind of genius about my mother, and it was a genius for making you feel loved. Not just because her conversation was peppered wi th terms of endearment, all these sweefhearts, 1001es, dariillSs, bealllifi,ls and angels that seemed second nature to my mum and women of her background and generati on. She had a way of making yo u feci as th ough you we re more important than anyth ing else in her world , even if she was only making you a Ctlp of tea, or smoothing your hair, o r knittin g you somethin g that yo u will only wear when you see her. Sh e was no t exactly a merry widow-she spent too many days at th e graveyard, and I feared th at she would sleep with the lights o n foreve r- but my mum had learned to go o n liv-
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mg. My father's doth~s were still m the wndroh<;, still not ready for the charity shops, but his SpIrit did II0t haull1 this house. My nlttm had finally fined it with her own spirit T he smell of Old Holborn Tobacco and Old Spice W:lS gOll~. Thert was nO 101lb'<"r browlI ak sitting 011 top of t1,( fridb'<" ami a bottle of Irish whISh')' .t.1nding on top oh littk chest of dr,wers ,hat "':l£ known >s ,he drinks cabinet. And the mllsi c had ehanw:d. That was what I noticed most of ,IL T hat waS how I really knew that my fathn's ghost had flown. 1 wllked 11110 the house where I was a boy and I nO 10llger heard Sinatra and Dean Martin and Nat King Cole. There was none o( the old 'iCIngs playing_ Sammy Davis Junior moan ~ ing, ·Wha{ Kind of Fool Am 11: Fnll\; during {he Capllol years, Tony Iknncu's ·S'''Tccn Most RC'lutstJ:d Song>;." soundtrack albums that spanned the years Ix:tween OkWIU)1IM.' and Uh l Sil/(- Siory. My mum gave all of my d ~d's musIC to me. She had hcr OWII records to pl.y. My u{other loved country and weStern. Songs wi tl, stories and tuncs, sonb'" that let you know exactly where they stood. Happy songs. Sad $0111,"" SOllgs for dallcing, drinking, mourn_ ing the man yo" had lost. She W:l' wild (or ,11 th,t twangy, tear-st:l iu ed Stuft; althou!;h I bad no idea if she had always loved it or if Dolly Parton. Tammy Wynn1<" and PalSy Chue \VCre ncw u stes. It was always myoid man who was the OJ in this house. MC Paddy Silve r , nd his swinging vinyl. Not ,ny !nor... My mother had ocen dealt two taribk blows III recent years. She lost my (ather, the nUt) she had loved ever since he came back to her EaSt End home with one o( her bro,hers afteT they had sparred tob'<.'lhcr al Ihe local boxing club. She lost th~ man she spent a lifetime lovi ng, thai ro.riJlg boy, thai
strong man who leuned to he gentle. lost him In the long callCtr, lost hi", to rime, And althoo!;h ! could hardly stand to admit it to "'ysclf, Itt alonc 10 her, in somc crnd;11 way she has ~1so lost her grand. roo It was juSt nOt SO easy nOw I waS divorced , Now that Pat waS lIVing with his mothtr, and I was Ilot IlVillg with citha of them, it W
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big_Imn:d girl by my side. And b ter Slill. on I1m'IC "'
\Vhcn everything was wrollg. I knew th05{" roads. I re.'mtmbere.'d driving On them to S{'e
my dad gming siel er, my dad dying, the day of his funeflll. All ,hose car rides from London to Essex. from the edge of the city to the ~-dgc of the sea. measuring out my lifc. ncvcr imag_ ining whal would be commg neXI, never dream"'g. Now OnCe.' mO,"" it was Pat and me.' driving om On IhuS{' Essex roads to see my mum in the house when: she slcpt with the hghls on. Gin. gone. My oid nun g<.me. Cyd and Pc!:!,,), not really a part of Ihes,' rid," out to Ess<·x. to Ihis old ,·stablished part uf our lives. M~' nL"W ..... if,· and her child had their lives 111 Loudon, and we left them ,here without even h."'ng t<.> discuss it. Growlllg up, grow"'g old. You expecl all of that. But my lillIe f.mily was b'TOWlIlg smallcr and more frag,lc. And you arc neVCf ready for that. Pal was comfort:lble 111 the house where I b'TCW up. Something wonnd tiglll inside him seemed to relax <.>ut here. He spent the hest pm of his childhood in Ihe old housc. No pu_ ents fighting, crying. going their separal~ ways. No great upheavals ur in('ddi, ies ur thrown lIlobile phones Ou t t,tre til the sprawl where the tOWn finally givc-s way to the countryside. Just Sl.>r WlTS videos and cups of te~. and going to the fridge without havmg to:lSk anyone's permission. SwCCt, si mpit hours spent sirring On the nOOT lislemng ro familiar voices
50
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TONY
P A RSO N S
singing old songs in the little back garden. And every moment of those endless. easy days fi lled with an un complicated, un conditional love . Fi rst from both of my parents, and now from just my mo ther. The love remained. " H e's th e man of my dreams. Aren' t yo u, gorgeous?" My son smiled patiently, and wandered off to rummage around upstairs. His oldest toys we re out here, many of th em too young fo r him now. A collection of Star Wars videos of course, and plenty of stuff he wo uld no lo nger watch, w restl ing t.1pes and cartoons from Disney, gath ering du st, marking the years. H e had a bedroom here, stacks of clothes and a life. H e could have followed the path from television to fridge and back again w ith his eyes closed. Everything was easy o ut here. The stilted co nve rsatio ns we often had over o ur Sunday H appy Meals were not needed. We slumped in fro nt of th e TV; m y so n and I, w hile my mum made lunch, w hich she called dinner, o r dinner, which she called tea, o r a cup of tea, which she called a nice cup o f tea. Sh e refu sed our help w ith used cups, cutl ery and di shes. Pat and I had bee n wel l trained by the women in our lives, and we did our bit around the houses we lived in with out ever th inking about it , w itho ut being asked. But my mum would not hear of it. In her own ho me, she laid dow n the rules and o ne rule said that she did the lot. She was the boss w ho served. H er word w as law, her way of doing th ings was not negotiable. Sometimes I watched her thro ugh the little serving hatch, sin ging a Do ll y Parton song, clanging about in the kitchen, and I wanted to hug her in that fi erce, un embarrassed way that my son sometim es hugged her. We loved her, and we loved it out here because we did not have to th ink about anything. What a relief.-to j ust switch off brains th at had bee n taught to negotiate the marshland of d ivorce, remarriage and blended famil ies. C an he have a Coke?
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51
he w:o.tch a video' C~n he le~vc the t:lbk ~nd docs he really have to cat all of th"5e k nti ls? I low f,'O
5
GINA WAS WAITING FOIt ME in the school C1t park.
She mUSI have come straight from the oAi, ... occause she was in a two-piece business suit. wcaring heels lnd carrying a ho1t<'rcd old hridus .... She looked gn::at, like some f.sh.on editor 's ide. of a working woman. although thlllll<'r than I ewr
rt:rncmbcrcd her being. My ex-wife was still bcautiflii. still a ",,-oman who turned heads in t he SITC'-t. Hm she looked muTe scriOllS than she evcr did 111 her twenti ... , -Sorry I"rn latc. Gma." " It's okay. We're both rarly." She b",vr Inc a hnk prek on the ch~"k, S(lu ... ~-zing "'y anu. She had f(Hb~ .. cn me for Paris. I s"ess. "l<;t's go and sec le>cher, shall weI" We went into the main sch()l)l building and walked down
corridor!; that seemed unchan!¥d from the 0"<,, [ rtntemb.-Ttd from al1thust r~ars ago. Childrtu's pajTllings On the wall. the "rom. of institutioml cooking. distant shouts of physicol exercise. Echoes and laughter. the smell of disinfectant and din. w~ mad{" our way to thc offic~ of the hcad-
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mistress without h,ving to ask the way. This was not the flr<;t tim<.' w<.' had be<.'n ~sk<.'d to com<.' to our son's school. Pat's headmistress, Miss Wilkills, was a p.k-f.ud young WOmln with l white hlond crop_ With her Eminelll luirCllt and {nnky sneakers. she didn't look old cnongh for the top job; she JUSt abom looked old enough to be out of school hnself. But promotion came fast around her<.'. l'~t'S school was ringed by tough projects, and many teachers just couldn't stand the paee_ ~Mr. and Mrs. SilV{"r. Come in." ~Actual1y u's Mr. S,lwr and M rs. Meltae: Gina said. "Thank you." Miss Wilkins softeued us np with the usual comforting pr<'amble---{)ur sou was a lov.-ly boy, such a s,",ect n,ture, adored by tt'aehns and dnldrn, alih', And theu came til<' rcason why wc wcre herc. He was completely aud totally out control. ·Pat is never rude or viol"n t: said Mis> Wi lkins. "He's not like some of them. I-I e does everything wnh a smile." "lie sounds like Mr.l'opulatity," I said. I could ncvcrslOp llIysdf defending him. I always felt the nC'Cd to put in a boo.xl W<Jn] , " He would be. If only he could stay in his seat for . n entire lesson." "He b'OCS walbbom: Gi na said, nervously bitillg her thumbnail. .nd for a sewnd it fd t ~s if she had been brought here be.;au", of her own misbehavior. "That's it. isn't it? I-Ie just wanders around the class _ Ch atti ng to nther children. Chatting .way while they an trying to do their work." She looked at me. "We'V{" Ix-en here- Ix-fore. More th~n otlce."May I ask you a personal question'- Miss Wilkins said. She may haw Iud. different kind of haircut, hut she still sounded lih· rvrry traehn I evCr knew.
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"Of course," says G ina. A beat. "Was it a very stressful divorce ?" "Aren't they all? " I said. We followed Miss Wil kins down the co rridor. T here was a small square pane of glass in the thi ck slab of every classroom door. Like the spy hole in a prison cell. The albino head of Miss Wilkins bobbed in front of o ne of them fo r a moment and th en she stood back, smiling grimly, ra ising an index finger to her lips. Gi na and I peered th rough the wi ndow into our son's classroom . I spotted him imm ediately. Eve n surrou nded by thirty oth er six- and seven-year-olds, some of them w ith the sa me shaggy mop to p, all of them in the same gree n sweater that passed for a uniform in these parts, I couldn 't miss hi111. Pat was in the middle of the class, bent over a drawing, j uSt like all the other chi ldren. And I thought aboLlt how beautiful his hair always looked, like something fro m a cond itioner comm ercial, even when it needed what my mum would call a good old wash. On the blackboard the teacher had sketched a ca rtoon of pl anet Earth , a chal ky globe lost in all that black space, the bl urry lines of the co ntinents just abo ut recognizable. She was writing someth in g above it. Ollr World, it said. T he children were all d rawin g intently. Even Pat. And fo r a moment I could kid myself that everything was all right. There was someth ing moving about the scene. Because of course these inner-city child ren ca me from every ethnic gro up on th e planet. Bm the trouble was the drawin g my son was bent ove r belonged to someone else. He was helping a li ttl e gi rl to color il in. "Pat?" the teacher said, turning from the blackboard. "Ex-
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suy al your own desk,
He if,'lIorcd her. Slill lOldia ting thaI rakish charm . pet,ring out shyly from under tllJt golden fringe, he eased bctWt"e1l the desks, pecring ovcr Ihe shoulders of hi., da"malCs, fla.shing smiles and munering comments to childrclI who were all conce1!!lOlting on planet Eanh. '"Y~'S: Gina said, and I didn't need to look at her to know that she was holding back thc lears. " In answer 10 your question.1t waS::l. vcry slTessfu l dIVurcc."
We did these things togethcr. There WaS no question dut Oll[ y one of us would go to the school, gt't k'elUTed to by the surprisingly pnrn punk I",.d mistress and havt' to frel about our sou all alont'. We "'ere both his parCH IS, no llIatler where he lived. and nothing could evcr chan!,..: that fact. ThaI WaS our attitude. Gin. ,vas miles bener l! all oflhis stuff than me-nO! fed ing Ihe need to be deft'llSlve about Pat, a[wa~ communicating with the staff, opening up abom our personal problems, giving anyone who was vaguely curious a !,"lid~-d lOur of our dirty laundry, which was surdy gening a hit thread hare and old by now. And [ took it to hear! a 101 more th.n ,he did. Or allea't I let it depress me more. Benusc dttp ill my hean. I also blamed the divorce for Pat 's problems at school. "Ch~..,r up. I'hrry, he'll grow OUI of it," Gina lold me over coffee. This is what we did . Aflcr being dragged along to the schoo l every few wt...·ks or so we went to alitdc caft Oil Upper Sm'ct. We used to come here in the old days, before we had Pat. Now these midmorning cappuccinos were the eXlent oi Ollr soci~[ life t~'Cthcr. " I-Ic's a good kid. Everybody likes him. hc's Smart. I-Ie JUSt has difficulty scnling. I-Ie finds it hard
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to 5I; ttl e to things. It·s not attcntion dcfieicncy syndrome. or whatever thcy call it. II"s JUSt a p roblem settling."Ms. Wilkins tltinks it's our faul t. Shc thinks wc've messed
him up. And tmyhe she's right, GitlJ." " It doe",'t nuttcr what Miss bloody Wi lkins tbinks. Pat'. happin ...... s. That's all that matters." But he's not happy. Gina." "What do you mean?" "He hasn't been happy since-yon kn ow. Since we split up." "Change the record. I·larry." "I !Ilean it. He's lost that glow he had. Itcrnclllocr that beautiful glow? Listen. )' m not blam ing you or Richard" " Ri chard's a very good step father." She always got touchy if I sUg~;estlx! that perhaps divorc,' had not been an un.lloyex! blessing in our ch ild 's Ii fe. "Pat's lucky to have a stepfather like Hichard who takes an interest in his cducation. who doesn't want him to spend all his time with a light ",be. and a football, who wanlS him to take an intere.t in nmsemns." "And I larry l'ottcr." "What's wroug with I larry Potter? I larry I\)tler'S great. All children love Harry Potter." " But he has to fll in. the poor little bastard. Pal. [ mean. Not H ury Potter. He has to fit in everywhere he b«Xs. Can't you sec that? When he's with you and Richard. When he's with me and Cyd. H e always has to tread carcfully. You can admit that . can't you?" "I dOlI't know what you 're talking about." *The only time he's rcla..~ed is with my mnm. Chi ldren shouldn't havc to fit in. Our little dr;nna has given Pat a walk_ on part in his own childhood. No child deserves that" She did,,'! want to hcar it. [did,,'t blaIn.' her.l would haw liked to h,,'c thought that our son's truuble at school had
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nothing to do with U5, ~nd everything to do with the fact that he w:l.S a lazy link git, 13m Ijust couldu't belie,"e it, T he reason he had arns in his pants at school was occause Ill' wanted to be: liked, he necd~'1i to be loved. And [ knew tlm had something to do with me and my ex_wife, Maybe it had everything to do with us. How cou ld I not wunder what it would have been like if we had st:lyed t"b'Cthe r ? ~l)o you ever thrnk about the past?" "I-low do you mean'" " Do you evtr miss us?" I said, crossing the lille octween what is acceptable and what is nut. "JUSt nOw and again? JUSt a tiny bit?" She smiled wearily ~t me o,'er her ahandoned eapPllccino. There was nu warmth left in cithn the cufTee or her smile. "Mis. U,? YUH mean Maying hume alone whik yuu wt're playing the big shot our ill the glamorous world of television?" "No, that wasn't reall y-" "YOU mean going to your bunches aud your parties ~nd )'uur fllnction s and ocing trt'ated like the invisible woman occause I looked after our son, irmead of presenting some crappy little T V show?" ~Well, what I was actually-" ~ I'eopl e thinking I w:os second rate occause I w:l.S bringing up a chilJ- wheu what I waS doiug was the most important job in the world. Telling people- I was a homemaker ,ud some of them actuall y smili'l~ Harry, some of them actually thin kinS it wa,j",,,,y, that it was a )okl, ~ Not all this "Il"in. "]'11 get the bill, shall I?" ~Whcn what WaS really funny WaS that I had the kind of degree that the,e ea ....:er morons could only drcam about. Wi,en what waS fUlluy waS Ihat I w:l.S bi lingual while mOSt uf those neeins hadn't quiet' mastcrt'd Engl ish. M iss ~ny uf eh~t?
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No, not really, Harry, not now you co me to mention it. And I don't miss sleeping in our bed with ou r little hoy sleepi ng in the next room whi le you we re out banging one of the office . . " JUlllors. "You know what I mean. Just the lack of complicatio n. That's all. There's no need to drag up all that oId-" "No, I can't say I m iss it. And you shouldn't either. You shouldn't miss that old life, because it was built on a lie. I like it now, if you really want to know. Tha t's the difference between YOli and me. I like it 110111. I like my life with Richard. To me, these are the good old days. And you should be grateful, Harry." "Why's that?~ "Because Pat has a stepfather who cares about him deeply. Some stepparents are abusive. Some arc violent. Many of them arc indifferent." "I shou ld be grateful that my son is not being abused? Give me a break, Gina." "Vou should be grateful that Richard is a wonderful, caring Illan who wants what's best for Pat." "Richard tries to change him. He doesn't need changing. He's fine the way he is now." " Pat's not perfect, Harry. " "Me n e ither. ~ "Oh, Ha rry. We all know that." We glared at eac h other for a few moments and then G ina called fo r the bill. I knew her well enough not to try to pay for it. We always did this-supported each other, tried to be friends, and then for an encore drove each other nuts. We couldn't seem to stop ourselves. In the end we always maddened each other by picking at old wounds, we turned the closeness between us into an infuriating claustrophobia.
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I knew that I had angered her today And that', why the news she' told me as we were walkiug back to our nrs sounded like an act of supremc crue lty and spite, ~ Nonc of this mJttcrs: she said. ~The tronbk at ~hool. All that tired old crap we keep dragging around the block. None of it matters any more, H arry." "What are you talkiug 3bom? " ~We're going to America." I just stared at her. " I'vt" been meaning to tell you. filii it wasn't definite. N ot until this week." I thought about it for J while. But I didn't undersulld. Not yet. "1·low long would you be gone? I'm nlll saying uking Pat olll of school for a couple of wed.s" a bad idea. Might do him some b-ood. A break might be what he nccds. It's not as though he's learning very much right now." My ex-wife shook her head. She cou ldn't believe that I could be so slow. ·Come on, I larry." Aud as we stood in that deM'Tled school car park, I finally started to get it. I finally start~-d to understand that my ex_wife could do whatever she liked. What a sucker I had been. "Hold on. Tdl me you medU a ,"ac~tiou, Gina. Tdl me you're talking about Disucylaud and Florida?" ~I'm talking about leaving London, Harry. And leaving the country. I'm talking about us moving the re for good. To live, !-Iarry. Richard and 111<' and l':It. Richard' s cOntract is ending, and he's never really settled hen'~" "l{ichard hasn't scttled he re' Il ichard' Whal about Pat? Will I about Pat being allowed to fucking scttle?" "Would rou hke to watch your lanle,'uage? He' s Seven yens old . Children are very adaptabk. They b~t used to anythiug."
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his school is here. And his grandmother is here. And Bernie Cooper is here." ·Who the hd l js-oh. liltlc Bernie. God. Harry. he c~n make ~orne new friends . It\ a work thing, okay? nichard can get a better position in th e Sutes." " But your job is htre. Look at you, G in a, You finally b'Ot yOUT life back. Why would you throw th~t away?" ~My job's II0t quite what I wan led, I don't even get to lise my Japancse. What's the point in working for a Japanese rom" pany if I don't even gct to us<' my J.palles<-? DoII't worry. wc're 1101 ulkillg .bom a pbce in tht city. From Collnt"ClicOi the train inlO Manhattan on ly tJkcs--" "Don't worry? But w hen wou ld [see him' What about his grandmother?" "You ,",ould sce him all the time. Th,' school holidays b'O on forevcr, You could comc ovcr. london to New York is nothi,lg. Wllat is it? Six hOllrs?~ "Have you talked to Pat about this? Docs he know it's not going to be a quick tour round Minnie Moust" and tht"n back horne?" "Not yet: I shook my head, trying to get my breath ing under t"ontrol. ~ I can't believe you're thi n king of dragging him to the other side of the world: I ,;;aid. al though that really wasn't trUe. I rould Ixlievc it very easily. r Ixg;lII to see that she had always had this thing inside her. this bdicfthat life would bc better at the other end of a long_hanl flight. For y"us Gin. ftlt this way~when she was single, after we split up. And she still did. In the past J~pan waS the promised land. Now it WaS Ame rica. It was completely in character, this desire to stan again on the othc r side of the ,",od d. Oh, I could Ixli.·vc 1I tOO easily, ~ 13 U1
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wrong with London? Thi, i, where he belongs. H is family and friends-Gina. he's hapry here." She lifted her hands. palms raised to the !lcJ,·ens. takiug il all in-Miss Wilkins. the trou b le at school. the impossihility of our S(ln sitting still for an emire ic,,,,,n. Pari, and the broken Eurostar, life in nunh Lolldoll. "Well, obviously 1101. 11 will be ~ better life OVCT there. Fur all o( us . I don', wanl Pat's chi ldhood to be like min~"-a lways different homes. always differenl people around. I wanl his ch ildhood to be like yours, Harry." She placed her halld on my arm. -You have to IruSI mt. I ollly want wh,,'s best for the boy." I angrily shook her off «Yuu don't want whal's best for Ihe boy. You don 't even ,",all1 whal', best for yoursd( Or Ihatloscr dickhead you married, " -Why don't yon watch }'QUf mouth? " «You just want revenge. " -Believe what you want. Harry. It really dIX',n'lm311('f to me whJt youthinL"You can 'tdo this '0 me, Gin a." She w:>s sudden ly (urious. And I saw again that we could newr n'Creale what had once exisk-d between liS. We eould be polile, affeCiionale cv"n. concerned abom l'at. bm the 100'e we losl was impossible to duplicate now. IkcauS<' il was all uS<'d up. Whal do they say' Married (or years. divorc~-d forever. Thai was us. Gin> and I were divorced forever. -You broh- Ihe promises-nul me. I-larry. You fllch-d uound-nol 111e. Yon wtre Ihe Olle who gol bored wilh Ihe marital bed. Harry. Not me." She shook her head and laughed. I looh-d at the (ace of this familiar st.. nger. From his mother my SOn b'tlt his Tiffany ~What's
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blue eyes , hi, dirty blond hair, those . lightly gappy teeth. She was defin itely his mother. and 1 110 lonb"" recognized her. "And now 1""" tdl me what I c~n and call't do. J'brry? You've got 'iOllle ncrvc. [ 11ll tlking Illy 'i01l OUI of the country. Stan living with it." Thl"l! she pressed her car key. and dll" double flash uf lights as the el"l!lfallocki ng came offs.ccmed!O glint on hn wedding rlllg. Not the one she had when she was with mc . The ncwunc.
Six
RIC II A R DIVA SON E of chose pumptxl -up busj"",. types
that were starling to show up all over town. The bespectacled
hunk. The nerd with Cab ahs. Ten years ago a man like Richard-who does things with other people's money-would have bee" all spi ndly kgs and
narrow shoulders. I~ut you have to be tough to live in the city dIes<: dJYs, or at least look like you arc. I didn't know wlm he was doing--a 101 of ,,,eights, some cardin"lScnla. SlUff, maybe a few boxe rcise classes. 13m when I barged into th e restaurant
wh<.'rc he waS haviug lunch wilh SOme bu.in ....s co1kab"tcShis PAs had kin dly revealed the location when I CJlkd lip prcclending !<) be Olle of Ihem, slupid enough to have lost my diary_for once he looked more like Superman than his mild_ mannered altcr '-go. Hichard was the laSI one 10 look up 31 lilt', Th e other three saw me wming_Maybe it was my clothes-the kind of Jaeket thlt my mum would call a c~r coat, old eh inos and boots_ Pretty much st:lndard uniform for a TV producer, .lthough 1 stood out in • swanky reStauu11t where they served hearty
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pelSant f<XXi for execllIives 011 six figure. ~ year. Richard's companions saw 1I1e all right-the young Armani hOI shOl. th" older. silvery geezn and th~ (3 t guy-but they were nO! qnite ,ure whJt to nuke of me I swelr tllJl one of them_the fat guy_was Jbom to ask me for another bottle uf spnkling mineral WoItn. But when I op"lIed my momh. he ",.. Iized I wasn't d1<"re to pour the Perrin. ""You're nOI taking P..I away from me. you bastard: I said. -Don't you even think about laking Pal OUI of the country." His dunng companiun, stared fTOm Richard to m(" alld back ~gain, unc("Tlam what to ma kt uf this SCene. A cuckolded husband? A hOnlOSCXUJllove spal? I could see dlJl Ihey did,,'1 know Richard well enough 10 gel it immedialely. So he spelled it um fur them. nevcr taking Ius eyes uff me. - TillS gentleman is the father uf my stepson, - Richard explained. "The poor linle bastard." And that's when I lost il. lurching acTOSs the table. scaltering hread roll. and lillie silver dishes for the olive oil. which I am almost ceTlam the peasants don't hav<' in their Tuscan fumhouscs. Richud's dining companions recoiled. hair-rising from their chairs. shrinking froll] the trouble. bm tWO waiters ,verc on me before I could reach him. They started pullin g me aWoly. one of them trapping my arm. to my side in a bear lock, the OIher trying to f,>et 3 grip ou d,,' collar o( 1I1y car cOOt. -You leave us alone." I said. digging my heels ill to the sawdust_strewn floorboards. managing to reach out and grab a fistful of linen tabb:loth. desp ile my pinned arms. "YOll jmt kaye my sOn .Iont", Richard." The "":Iitas were tOO snong for 1IIe. Ulllikc Richard. I hadn't spent endle.. houTS pumping iron and running on Ihe treadmill I felt all the stn:ngth g<.l out oi me as they easily p111kd me aw.y. Bm becanse I still had huld of the tablecloth. I tuuk it with m<', and it .11 Carne enslnng down-the glasses.
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the platcs of robust pasta dishes, the rough -hewn chunks of brcad, thc little silver dishes for the olivt oil. OntO the floor and into their laps, And Hkhard W:lS on his fet't, angry at !lst, ready to try Olll hi. new hieeps and eager to punch my lights out. seafood lin_ ~,'uine dripping dovm the from of his trouscrs, -You'n" 1101 taking my son away JUSt because yon ca ll 't cut it in (his city, Ilidmd_" "That's for Gina and me to deClde_" ~I'm his father, yon bastard . And I'l1a[ways be his father. You nn't change that." "One question, Harry: ~What's that, dickhead'I W:ltched him wipe a prawn from Ins tomato_stained fly. "Whatthc hel[ did sh(' ("vcr sec in you?"
It was EanlOll l:jslt who first told me lbont the blended family. W11ich is ironic, because Eamon W:lS the most single man I knew. The sap ,",:IS still rising m Eamon, but it hadn't quite reached his head yet. Although he was a modern boy abom IOwn, Eamon was pai nfnlly old_fash ioned whcll it came to lo\"e. marri age and all of that. l3Iame it on his Kilcarncy background. I-Ie had a single man's view of wt."dlock, sirnu h anL..:>usly wary and romamic. But I'll say this for Eamon- he was the only one who warned me about what I was W:llking into " H arry, good man you arc," he called to me across my Wl:ddntg rl'Ccptimt, "I want a word with you ." I watched him wcave his w:.y through the crowd, nodding and smiling as he went, polite and friend ly 10 people who rec" ognized him, grateful to the OIl<"S who didn't_ I-Ie WaS holding his champagne flute aloft to prewnt spillage, lookillg e"en mOr<:" dish(",,("lcd lhan usu.l, all shiTlt:lils and floppy fringt alld
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droopy eyelids, but he had th ose dark Irish good looks that belonged to a youngJ ack Kennedy, so even in his cups he resembl ed a rake rather than a slob. He pu t his arm around me, clinked o ur glasses. " Here's to you. And your lovely bride. And your- what do they call it?-blcnded fami ly." "My what?" I was still laughing. "Your blend ed family. You knOw. Your blended famil y." "What's a blended family?" "You know. A bl ended fa mily-it's li ke The Brady BII //ch. Wh en a man and a woman put their old fami lies tob'Cther to make a new f.1mil y. Yo u know, Harry. A man living with kids that are not his own. A woman becoming a mam my to children she didn 't give birth to. A blended family. Like T he Brady BIIIICIz. And yOIl , Harry. You and Ti,e Brady B'HlCI!. God bless you, o ne and all. " He put his face next to mine, and pulled me close. "Good o n you, pal. Here, let's sit for a minute." We found a quiet tab le in the co rner and Eamon immediately produced a small cello phane bag from out of ajackct that was still sporti ng a beat-up carnation. T his was new. T he C harles was new. When I first met him , he had never taken anything stronger than draught Guinness and a packet of pork scratchings. I looked anxiously around the room as Eamon carefully tipped a mound of white powder o nto th e back of our wedding invitatio n and began choppi ng out chunky white li nes with his black Am Ex. "J esus, Eamon. Not in here. You can't take this stuff when there are kids around. At least take it to th e toilets. T his is not th e ti me or th e place." Th en I came out with one of my father's lines, almost as though the old man was speaking through me. "Moderation in all things, Eam on. "
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Th,t gave him a chuckle. He started rolling up , teupound 1I01e , "Moonation? You 're- what? Thiny-thrL-e HOW' Thirty!\o,u' You' re already on you r second marriage. Yon've go! a MIn who doe,n't live with you ,ud , stepdaughter who does. So don't knUrl' me , bom mooer:nioll, Harry. There', nothing T11cxicratc abom YOll." "Th ere are chIldren around And my mum. And my Aun_ tie Ethel." '"Your Anntie Ethel doesn't mind, I'larry.~ The choppct! white line' w('ft defdy Hom'ered up his nuse, "Sht waS the ont who ,old it to Ille: He held out the rollL-d-up, ,lightly damp tenner to me, I shook m y head and he put his drug>; away. "AnY"'ay----cungratulatium tu you, mate: ~Thank yuu: "JUSt don't ruin it this time." "What does that mean?" "Keep your head oUl of the clouds and your dick in your trousers "Oil, yes, that's One of the tradi tional "eddillg vows, isn't it? Church of England, 1 believe." ~ I mean it, Don't get re.cles. when the fever wears 0([ Don't start thinking about the grass being greener neXl door, occans<: it's 1101. ltcm cmbn that your knob is attached to yon, rather than Ihe other way round,' We watched Cyd coming toward us across the crowdL-d room. She was smi ling, and I don't think I ever saw her looking lovelier than at that mOment. ~And don't forget how you fed today,- E:IITlOll said. "That above aiL J know what you arc like, hecause all men are the same. We forget wh,t's in our hearts." 13m 1 wasn't listening to Inm any mOre. I thought th.t the
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day I needed marital adv ice from a coked-up comedian would be a black day indeed. I got up to talk to my wife. "You look happy," she sa id. "I'm better than happy." ''Wow. Better th an happy. Then J hope I don 't di appoint you." "You co uld never disappoint me. A5 long as you do one th ing." ''Wh at's that?" "D ance with me." ''You' re easy to please ." So I took her in my arms, fee ling that long, slim body in her wedding dress, and as Ella Fitzgera ld sang "Every Time We Say Good bye," we moved in perfect harm ony, and although th ere were fr iends and fa mi ly all around, fo r as long as th e music played, my wife's face was aliI could sec. The police fma lly let me go. Richard and the restauran t both dec ided no t to press charges. So I drove home, thinki ng about all the things that Cyd and I had talked about before we were married. We had spent hours disclIssing all th e big stu ff. It was what our relationship was built on. That and our desire to fu ck the ass off each other, of course. We had both bee n lonely for a long time. N ow we we ren't lonely anymore. We talked about our parents, th ose old-fas hioned husbands and w ives who marri ed young, stayed together aU their li ves and were parted by death too soon. We talked about our parents, not simply because we loved them, but because that was the kind of marriage we intended to have. And we talked about our own wrecked relationsh ips-hers worn down by Jim's constant tomcatting, mine blown lip by a stupid one-night stand that crawled into th e daylight. And we
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talkf,d ~hout our duld rell, the liws we wanted fi,r them , ~nd uur fcars the divorces wuuld leave scars 11131 lasted for a lif,,urn<'. We t:tlkc-d loom how Illy son would fit illlo our new family, how we wonld nllke him fed like. (nil member. even thuugh he hwd with his mother, tvtll i(hc \ovaS only visiting. And we talked about my rehtiullship wll h I'cgb'Y, how I Wa> goi ng to be some kind of fathn to her, even though she had a dad of her uwn . When we looked", our live-; it sometinl(:s aU sa med convoluted and scary. But we thought that bemg crazy about each other would be enough to gCt uS through. And it was. for a while. lkcattsc we lov~-d cach other. l:Ieouse we could talk aoont anythi ug. AI most anything T he only thing w" kind of <'db'Cd around W:l> having. child of our Own. The baby subject- th" bigg<'"St subject of ,II- was put on hold. We blamed work. \VIllt else docs anyone ever blame? - , Just w;;1111 to get Food Glorious Food up ~nd running before "'". ,t ..t trying for a baby,· Cyd hld ",id. -It's "'ally Im port.artt tu me. ]·brry. Please try to onderstand." Cyd's company was called Food Gloriolls Food. A cat~ring firm named after the Lionel Ihrt ';Ong from Olivt"f"! Sen.. ing sushi, baked ziti. sprmg roll" chi"ken SlUy .nd mimplZz., all uver 111<' West Ell d and tI,c City. "l:hl1 yon n<.....'" knuw witl, a bab}'," J ",i
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"Just not now. Just let me get this thing off the ground . One day, okay? Definitely one day. There arc things I want to happen first." Food G lorious Food was good and growing really fast. Launches, openings and promotions were all asking Food Glorious Food to feed th e faces of their partygocrs. It took u p a lot of Cyd's time, but th is was something she had always dreamed of doing. H er own business. So she rushed from fash ionable new hotd to fir st night, w hile I queued for condoms in the drugstore like a teenager fro m the dawn of tim e. Anythi ng else, sir? We ll, yes-I'd q uite like a baby, now you come to mention it. Got any in stock? "I want to build something of my ow n," she said . "I've neve r done that in m y life. I've always worked fo r other people in little j obs th at d idn't mean a thing to me. For most of Pe~'Y's life 1 was a waitress. But I've gOt th is thing I'm good at, Ha rry. This thing I can do really wel l. 1 can cook anything, and I' m not afraid of hard work and I'm smart enough to un derstand what my clients w ant. I'm not useless. I've got skills." " I know you do, I know you do." "I want to make something of my own, make some money, make you and Peggy proud of me." ''I'm proud of yon al ready." "But you understand? Please try to understand . 1 want this marriage to work. And of course chi ldre n arc one of the things that marriage is all about. But so is understanding each other." "I understand ." And 1 smiled when 1 said it, to show her it was true. I understood. At least, J th ink J did. I wa nted her busi ness to do wel l. 1 knew it was important to her. I could sec Cyd wasn't like the mothers of Peggy's friends who had retired from high-octane careers to have child ren . My w ife was doing it the
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other way around. And she wa5,1 least as smart" Ihose other mothers. Why shouldn't she have il all toO? BUll gUCSSl..t il wasn'ljusl her 'lining business Ihal was staving off haby hunger. She Iud been worn out hy Jim, and maybe she jml wallled to give our marriage lime 10 grow beforr addiug any mon complicalious 10 the mix. Aud in my heart J susp.:C1cd that thetc waS SOlllc olher Teason, a reaSOn Ihat could never be spohu, thai Cyd wanted to defer pregnancy. J had a huuch thai my wife didn't completely believe that J could keep all Ihose wcddmg vows, that in the end J would turn out to be nothing speciJ I. Just another Jim. She didn't want a baby wilh sorncone who wouldn't stay with her for_ c"" •. Not a second time. And I could understand that. Becanse I fel! tht, ,arne way. BII1 as I drove home from the rcst.lura1l1, I saw that having a baby wouldn't make things more complicated for us. It ",ould make everything, lot simpler. A baby of our own was jmt whal we needed. To hold it aillogethn. To creale a home Ihal would find room for all of us. Including Pat. As I felt the muscles in my upper arms throb. still sore from Ihe grappling techniques of the waiters, I realized we needed a baby 1o make our blended family into a proper family. I needed to be a real father a~in. To 1'cS!,'Y' To the baby Ihat Cyd and I would have together. And to Ihe boy Ihey wanted to take away. *Cau you give me a hand with this Stuff, honey?Cyd was gening ready to go OUt to a gig. The kitchen was full of silver trays covered in ding film. Tonight it was an_ tipasli-fal 10rnaIO•."s stuffed wilh ricc, prosciullo serycd wllh
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figs, thick slices of mozzarella decorated with sprigs of basil, P"''''t alit olil'l' 3nd tilly pizza ma rillan the size of compact discs. So I hdpcd my wife carry it all am 10 the car, while she [old me about [he event The business was still new e nough for her to be excited. " First lIight. Off-Shaftt-sbll '1' Avcnut·. Some li ollywood sur who wa111S to do tlK"atef. Ibsen. I think. I don't know. Something Scandinavian. We're catering for two hundred at the afte r_show party.~ When her station w.!,,,,n was loadcd with lulian delicaClcs shc slammcd it shut and lookc-J .t mc. And that's when she knew that something was wrollg. ~What is it?" "Gm •. And that loser she married. They want to k'avc the CUUllIT)'. Taking P:II with them. ~ "fur b'OOd?" I nodded. "I.hstards. the pai r or them.' "What'scmscd all this?" "nichard. London hasn't worked out for him. He wallis to tT)' his luck ill NI.'W York. As if his little career is the on Iy tiling that matters. As if Pat hasn't got any rights." She put her arms around me. She knew what this me.nt. "How wonld you feel about I'at coming to live with us?" "Gina wouldn't agree to it, would she?" ·What if she did? Would itoc okay with you?" "Whatever makes yon happy, hahc.~ "Thanb." I felt a stab ofsadness.lkc"use she did,,'t say that having Pat conK" to live with us would make her equally happy. Of course she didn't say tha t. How cou ld she? She said that she wouldn't objL'Ct- and [ knew that my wife was a kindhearted. generous woman. and th.t slK" loved mc and that shc meant it. Su why wasn't that enuugh?
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Because I "'dilled him to matter as much to her as he did 10 me. Even though marriab..... had chaugcd everylhiug, and !x-ing Ihe wife ofl'.t's dad was very diflerc1l1 from !x-ing the girlfriend ofP:Jt"s dld . BUll wlnlcd her to sec him with my cycs~how uuique he was, how ,'pecial, how !x-amiful. I wantcd Cyd to look at I':u wilh Ihe eyes uf a parent. Bm only blood caU make you fed like that. And with the beSt will in the world. you can't fake blood When my wife was ,till my girlfriend, ,he was wonderful with mysoll. Cyd would talk lU him about schoul, ask his expen opmion on how '/lor "hall/em Mf'W(Colllparcd with the first three Star Wars films. wonder ifhc would like some more ice cre3m. I-Ie grinned shyly at thIS tall. beautiful strangn wilh the TeDn >eU'HI, and I could tell h e sh.n'
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And when she talked to my son, this girlfriend who would occome my wife, when J he~rd the fouducss itl her voice, the warm, c~ual familiarity that site ocstowed on him, J (dt almost giddy with happiness and gratilllde _ Bill after we were marri<-..::!, I needed more than thaI. I knew it wasu 't (air, it waSll 't fair at all, bm this need Cam e from some secret chamber ill my heart, and r jusl couldn 't deny it. From the moment we were pronounced man and wi fe, I ne<-"
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Jim w::ts late. Very late. 1'<1\b'Y waS perched Oil the back of a chair by Ihc wiudow. her link face pressed againsllhc glass, wailing for the appeuance of her father's motorhike. Bill Jil11 wasn't com ing. I cou ld sense il. hecause il had happened hefo,..,. There would be.. nO night om willi ]'q;gy's old nlan. N01 this lime. The phone rang and Peggy rushed to get it. I knelt on Ihe floor, picking up the accessories Ai r Pi lot Lucy Doll and her high-flymg friends . It' s so nsy for a kid to lose the S(" link fiddly bits, .nd then they go crazy bccause they can't filld them. I carefully replaced a male flight attcndltlt" s drinks Iray. Peggy came back into the room with Ihe phonc, Irying 10 Ix· brav.·, sucking m her boltomlip to stup it shaking. ~ It" s daddy. I-Ie w.nts to talk to you.~ 1 took the phone. ;,Jit11?~ In the background I could hear the music. "Hairy, pull my /",,, I'UJIII'/Bdby, pull my /"'" I''''''p/Rlby, pull my low p,,,,,plBIII
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"I'm at the demist: Jim said. raising his voice above the 111 usk. "I can't make il this lime. I:II00dy shame. Try 10 explain it to her. will YOII. Harry? I fed really bad. But I've found someth ing that urge ntly needs filling." [hung up the phone. 1'<1\b'Y had disappt""ared. [ found her in her hedrootll, hiding nnder her comforter. On the w::tll, were posters of boy bands and Lucy Doll in all her incarnations, their fix.-ci grins and pnfccr worlds shining down Olt one s:ld littk girl. I stroked he r head. "You r d ad will see you next \ltne. dar_ ling. You know he lo\·c~ you .- l-I c's got a bad tccth.- [ know.-
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it hurts him.~ Sh<.- < up and I dried her eyes with 311 oflicial Lucy Doll tissl!<.-. thinking what a gr.·at liule kid she was, and how sht de~erved ben er tllln Iter feckless (liiter. B ill then every child in the world dCS
or
Sh,' sa'-" me a dubious s"nle. "Heally?" ·H onestly.~
"You're making this up. Harl)',~ shc &lid. her smile growmg. "I'm not. l'tg." I said. smi li ng back at her. "Evcry single word is tru e. And from tim piece of magic wood- guess what '_Gc ppetto made I'inocchio," ~WhoWJs Pinocchio>" "He waS a puppet. l't g. JUSt this pitct of wood th at could Jct like a human. I Ie could laugh and cry alld everything. Uut what he w.nwd. morc th.n anyth ing in the world. was to he a real dad ." Did I say dad? I meallt boy. Pinocch,o wan ted to he a real boy
Seven
THE R E I'/,\S ALWAYS WORK .
Even when my mother was sleeping with the lights on. and Illy son was packing his bags for a new life in another coumry. there w>s .lwa}'5 my job---this parallel universe where I could (1-.:1 lilt· a success. ThaI.' w>s always Eamon
Fish. "Men- we reach our sexual peak 31 sevcnteen. Bm women reach thei r ..,xu.1 pcak at thirty_six. What's all that
abom? Women arc rcaching their sexual peak just when wc're JiscDvning that we have a favorite chair.-
I k waS young I.'uough to still bt: b>eu iug oct!cr. M I tT (,,'0 years in front of the cameras, Eamon Iud a confIdence that wasn't there before . T hese days Ea mon W>SIl'! quite So des_ perate lu be liked, he cou ld reb..,< ;1110 his ,mlerial, knuw;ug that h" slill had control over his audience. Like so many mha people I had worked with in television. his 'ndicncc was rhe one rhing in his life rhar he ,ollld acrually comro!. -I'", thin ki ng of getting back together with "'y girlftil'1ld. Mem. She's Thai. A danen. Well. nOt n-all y a dancer.- Link
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Woody Allen cough. "More of ~ srripper." C~c klc. all around . The scudio audic1lcc was cati1lS om of his haud, Th<.""y laughoo <."",·<."'n when h<."' was1l'tjoking. "Great. b>ttat girl. And I look at all these photognphs of when we were togcther---(lll holidlY in Koh Samni, at Christmas in Kilcarney, the lap dance she g>V<."' UI<" for my birthday~a1ld it jusl f<."'ds lih· wc should be lo~:e lll<"r, But IhoS<.· pholographs U,' a w.rp<."'d ,""cord of our relationship. I know Ihat. Where arc ~ll the bad times? We didn't take photos of those . And I wonder why we only lake pictures of the b'OOd tim<."'s, Why didn't I t:lh· a photograph of Mc", when shc had CYSlitis? Her I'MS---whctc's thai m the pholO album?" Rueful bughler. Mocking catcalis from the girls. "We bro ke up hec~use we diS:lgreed about "'arriage. Sin_ gle men actually know more 3hom marnagl' than married ",en. If WI' did,,·t. we would Ix· maml·d 100. l'crsonally I dnnk that marriab'C consists of o"ercstimating the difference beIween one woman and all Ihe other women. And my exgirlfriend Ihinks---(lh, Jesus, Jesus." Suddenly Ihere was blood everyv.·here. The blood w:os m'er umon's ha1lds and face, splashing on the microphone. So much blood that you couldn't see where it was comi ng from. The floor manager stared at me, as Eamon reded backwards. coV<."'ring his face with his hands, and Ihe audic1lce gaspcd~s hockcd, appalled. but laughi1lg a little. v,-ondering if Ihi, was all part of Ihe act, J was making {m_if. (w_if, mf_iT gestures across my throat to Ihe di reclor up in the gallery when il d.wnl·d on me thaI the blood w.s conmlg from Eamon's nose. Ther<."' was always work. No mam'r how b~d thiug:> b'Ot.t home, there was alw. ys that. Then Eamon's nose .Imost fell off on live television. And then Iher<."' wasn't ITCn work.
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Pat didn't talk about moving. 1 know Gina had discus.ed it with him, had tried 10 cxplain why it was hapJX'lIing and what it would mean. She had spoken of nic!lJrd's job in Manhattan, the family home in Connecticut~names that werc as remote to Pat as Mars and Venus, She had actclIlpted CO n'asSUr(' him that .hhough he wouldn'l set mc every Sund.y. likt 1I0W, thtrt would bt long. long holidays when he could st.y wilh me and see his grand_ mothe r and Bernie Cooper and all the things he loved in Lou_ don. She had told our SOli th" he would be happy. All dm old bullslm. And in the end~ l could imagine his pale lillie face suring at her, giving nothing away, nOI even his fear-she I'lay~..;I her trump card. When they left Loudon aud moved to dwir nt'W hOI11<' in Con nccticUl, surrounded by all those fresh green pastures on the far side of the hill. she would buy him the one thing that he had alv,ays wanted. A dog. That's whal my cx-wife promised her son. th.1 was his compensalion for giving up wndon. his grandmother. his fathtr. his hest friend, his life. \Vhen ht moved to ",nther coun_ try, she would buy him a dog. A magical mutt who would make everything all righl. I cursed Gin •.•1Id the way hn decisions. ha choices. could sti ll tear my world apart . After .11 this time [ still wasn't free of her. Fragments of Gin. were emh<,...;Idcd in every part of my lift. like. gfmad(' Ihat had ('xplodcd long ago, likt' Ihe black shards of shrapne lth.t wormed Iheir way OUi of my father's body for f,fry years. The p3>1 never setting you free. long gone and there forever. I would never be free. becau", she h. d my SOli. Alld IIOW she waS p!.111111lg 10 take him away. Only Ihe lawyers could Stop hn
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When I raised the snbject of moving-always with a brttzillcss I did Uot feel-that link face I )""cd so much seemoo co turn imo a mask. -You going to s<;nd me 1 postClrd, P:lI' ¥on going to send yonr dad a postcard "-, soon "-, YOll g<:t CO America ,,"]'11 teXC you, Or ,'-mail. Or phone on thc tek-phone, ntaybe,'"You don't wau tto send me a postcard? ) like gettin g postcards. Postcards are grcat.-But I don't know huw.-Mummy will show ),ou."Will she? Then I might POSt a card to ~·01J. I m(e"/. · "The imporl.lnt thing is-«>mc home soon. Come and stay with me. In yom holiday. That's whatmaners. Okay, darling?"Okay: -And Pat?" "What?"
miss YOll." "Miss you too: ht said. and I b'Ot down 011 my knees and held him in my anns, my face buried in his dirty blond hair, smelling the hot chocolate 0 11 his breath, and choked with love for him. "Amcrica will be I""dy: my mum said. and I fdt she was trying to chen np both her grandson and htr son. "New York, New York_my word! So goo.:! they named it twice! 'What a 11Icky boy" "]t'S Over th<· water: Pat said, tilting his face to hn. "Like Frallcc. hi Paris. Only a bit funher. You cau't get a train, yon know You have 10 go on the plane." -You']] have a lovdy time in America, sweetheart." And the funny thing about my mllm is that she probably mea1l1 it. She )<wed her grandson so mnch, and with sllch a "]'11
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purity of love, that what she c:!.roo abom most WH hi, happi ness. And if shc thought that it was barkiug madness-Giua dngging him around Ihe globe, leaving his friends and ~hoo1. abandoning hi., father and his grandmother and a life that w .., fin.lly st.ning to scttlc into SOUlc kind of romiuc~d",n rny mum ,;;aid uothing. We were at my father', grave. Both my mother and my son considen". I waS less kecn. I had stell my dad's body in the linle back room of the funeral directors olTlce. and I had no douht that the spark that had made him the man he was had flown. I didn't beheve that we wonld find hirn in the graveyard of the old church on the hill, dm church thai looked down on the fields where I had rOOllled with my air ri fle as a boy. My father was somewhere else now. But corning to thi, place didn't make rne sad any more. I can't rememocr when VISiting my father', grave Slopped being ,;;ad. It was after tlw first year or so, whel! we were all starting to be ~,'rateful for his life. rather tlml shattered by his death. Now the visits didn't really feci like act, of mourning. They were mOTe practical in natore~to chan g<: the flowers, to wifX' the hcadston" (leal!. to rentOve the odd cig:orcnc bun or bcer can lcft by SOnic little local punk who was trying to be a man. These visil' were also ceremonial. We came here to remcm be:r my dad, to Stal," that h." still m>!tcT<"d. that he was stil I loved. We Came to this pbcc occause othe!"',.,'isc therc was nowhere else to go. Only into memory. and into dreams and all the photos that were starting 10 f.de. And there waS sollledung clse. With the packing for America already ocgun, I felt the
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ne<-xl to bring my boy to his b>r:l.ndf, ther' s gr:tve today; just as-aftlinst all advice- I had felt the need to bring him to Srr his b'1"3ltddad when the old mati was dying in the.' hospital. They worshipt..:l each other, that hard old sold ier and that ",",eet_faced child, and then as now, I believed J owed it to them bOlh to give.' them a chance to s.:.y b"ClOs riglll. And her woms made me think ,bout how momcntous Ihis move would be, how unimaginably hug<' 111 my son's life, Pat [eavillg l<:lndon. Pat leaving olle l!llf of his parentS, his beSt friend Bernie Cooper, his school. his home, the only life he h,d eve r known, I sti ll couldn't begi n to com_ prehend how allthi. could happen. My mum waS tighl. Pat was in a righl old pickle. lin boy was in a rigln old pickle.'. It took me quite, while longer to realize that my mother was ta lk ing about me . We.' sat ill my Car oUlside Gin a's house, bmh ofu. reluctant to go inside. We sal there for ages-Pat fiddl ing with the radio, trying to find SOme Kylie Minogue, and me JUSt staring at him-his uncombed hair, his g..ss-staitlcd cloth es and ~II his careless beauty.
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Eamon reckoned Ihal I would gel him ruck when hc grew lip. 13m [ knew by Ihell Illy SOli would be someolle cise."", and Ihe ch ild [ loved SO much wou ld be b'l.lUC fo,,-,,·cr. So we."" sal in [he car, silcnu-d by all tim WH about [0 be los!. T hen lights starled coming on in Gina'. ho",e, and I knew it was time 10 go inside. Usually Pal waS handed Over like a Cold W,r host:lb'(: al Ch~"1;kpoint Charlie. I escorted him 10 the gate. Gi na waited at he r front door. And the pair of us watched him cross noman's-Iand- the lillie garden path- tim marked Ihe gap octween oUe world and anolher. '[bnighl was different. Tonight Gi,u callle out and approached the car. I lowered the window, expecting to gel an earful for assau lting her husband or !;emng back late or mining her life Or sorneth"'g. Bm she souled", mt· with what looked a lillie like the old warmth. -COllIe inside for a bit, I·brry. Don't look like that . It's oby. n ichard', playing golf." Pat was snddenly excited, Kylie forgotten. "Yeah, come inside. Daddy. and you am sce Illy room where [l ive!" I had ncvcr Ix:en inside their home before. Ironic dlat I should be shown arouud now thal lhere was, H)R M.LE sign outside. I made halfhean~-d allcmpts to beg oIY. hut they both insisted. [ .dmit I wa, curiolls. So with my SOli ta king my halld and Illy ex-wife following me, [ was csco ned into a real metropolilln home. a templc to urhan amnence, lots of light and gla .... and open 'pace, all polished floors and Asian knick_ knacks and I:I.SI<·ful black-.ud-white photos On lhe walls. "Nice pbce, Gin •. "The mortgage is a kIller. That's one of lhe reasons • Her words trailed off She kncw I wasn't interested III nich"d 's financial woes. You woold nevcr guess Ihal a child lived in this house.
Wllere were the toys, the me", the dUller? P:attook my lund alld dragged me up a flight of stairs. Gilla followtd us, htr arms fold,'d across I,tr chest. SIlIl snuhng, I'lt'S Toot11 was the one dling thaI lookoo 6miliar_ Then: ,vcre ancient S,ar nilrs toys cvcC)'Wherc-a eouple of plastic light sai>trs, lots of 8-IIIch aClioll figures, the grubby gr:.y wrtcks of th .. Millt,,,,i,,,,, hllto" and X-wing Fighters that ht had played with years ~b>Q · And thne \VCre the books r knew from bedtimes past. books that I had read until he WaS slcepiug- [.t1"".II" WiItl71lin,~s A".; Th, Ti,I:f' Wlw C"III' 10 na; TIlt S'IOU~"'III; The Lj,lI/. The Wiuh am/I/" w.;rdrobr and of course all the Shlr Wa~ movie lie-ins ~ud picture books. And there were really old 'oys-a cracked Speak and Spell, a baller~-d stuffed simian who went hy th" name of Geor1,'" the Monkey, I'at's One excursion into Ihe comforting world of (uddly toys. T here "'35 somc new stuff too- a P/"",'om Ml'lloJ« comforter and pillowcases, books from schooL I·\arry Potter paperback. on h,s linle d,'sk. I! w>s a higg:,'r room than h,' had skpt III when we wcr,' living together, and it was abo a 101 lidier. Either he had changed hi s laid-back ways or he w;as living in a flf more Jiseiphncd homchold. -What do you think of my room, Daddy? " l lhink it's falllastic, darling. [ Can SIX tI'3t you'vt 1,'Ot all your .",11" htre." ~T h",'s right_ I do" Gina tonched his hair - Pat, why don't yon b>Q down$l..irs alld watch a video for a bil?" Our boy look..d stunned. "Can [? I SII' , il bt-dtimt yel?" "T his is a special night_ WIly don', yon go and ""'tch the first mm'~ WI)en Gina ulked to I'll ,lx"'t the iirst iihn, she mnm the first SM' I«m film. "Not all of II- jUst until tht 'd roids get tlkell prisona, okay?" T hat was the old deal.
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wasn't it' That was what she always "sed to say---jU51 r",rillire 'droid, g.t wk"" pn'so"" I had h<'ard that one ocfur.:. "Then brush your teeth and pm your pajamas on. I want to talk to yonr daddy_~ Pat rushed downstairs, not hdicving his luck, and Gina smiled at me in uur son's bedroom, ~ I'larry: shc said, "Gina: I s'IId, Shc W aS so thin and prctty_M y ex_wife. "I just wanted 10 say wmething 10 you_" ~G u ah e ad,-
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du,,'t knuw how to pm it into words, I guess IJnst w.nt to tell you- I' m not trying to stcal him away (rom you: "Th a!'s good: "Whatever happ"'ns----whncvN we are-yuu'll always be his (.tlwr. And nuthing will ever chang<.' that,I said nOlhing. I didn'ltdl her that I was seeing a lawyer in the morning. I didn't tell her that I'at would be nuking his way to the departure gate over my dead hody. I know she w,", try"'g to be kind. Bm she wasn't telling me anything that I didn't know .Ir";lody, "Life can't always be: about the paSt, I larry, We're only thinking of the (mUTe. Richard and me. The fmur" of onr family. T hat' s what the move is abom. I want yon to try to understand, We're JUSt thinking abol11the future, Tha!'s what a family docs, I larry," Then she bughed. "Can I show you someth ing'" Suddenly she looked all anxious, as thongh \,ve were newly introduced strangers, paralyzed hy politeness. "Arc you ukay for tirn<'?"I've b'Ot all the lillie iu the world, Giu,So I follow~"d hcr from Pat's b<,"droom to a room one flight up_ [t was some kind of small study_ There was a hille iMac, filing cabinets, a bookcase, A phuto of P:u On the desk, twO years old, naked .nd grinning ill a paddling pool. Gnu's room,
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She ope ned a brge tlat cardboard box and took ou! a sheath of photographs. They wtre all of Pa t. Then' must have Ix-en twO dozl'll of them. 8" I O. black-and-whit". professional qtllhty. And they were Ix-autifu l. TIIl'y TIlUSt haw been takell a coupI<- of months ago. when the s",nmer was holdlllg on. because 1':11" hair waS sti ll long and shaggy. before he had it cut. and his sk in had a light tan. He was bare-chested. happy. gl<m'ing with life. He was hugh_ ing '" moSt of the photographs, smiling with a shy kind of amusement in the others. They had all been taken on the same sunny afternoon _ He was fooling around for the Camera in a garden I didn't r~'Cogni~e. Prowbly Gina's garden _ The garden of this hun",. And tllt'se black-and-white piCln,,,,, of "'y son took my breath away. l3«ause the photugrapher had captured him 10 perfection. In the pictures Pat kicked up a glistening sheet of water in a paddling pool. he slid across wet gra". almost exploding with deligln. he smashed a plastic football into the garden fenre, he rocked with laughter. I lis eyes, his face, his shy limbs_the photographer hadn "tmissed a thing. J was s1l1nned that anyone could catc h him so absolutely. 'You take tlu'se?Gina shook her head. "Only this one: she said. And she showed me another pictu re. Clearly taken on the same day, with the same camera, but not by the same photographer. In the pictur<' l'at waS standing slill. smiling bashfully at the camera. WIth him was ~ young woman--------"Cxotic. smiling, one arm draped around my son's wre shoulders_ She lookc>d beautifuL And sexy_ And nicc_ All the thillb'S that anyOne conld rver walll. -You nevn met my fnmd Kazumi, did you?" Gina said.
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shared a room in To!.,:yo for a year. She's in London now. Trying 10 mak(" it lS a photographer. She fell in 10\'c with Pat. As you can scc. And all at once J wanted to nK"et her. Thi~ photographer who look..-d al my !iOn and saw wilh 10111 clarity hi .. gende, laughing sp irit. T his stranger who sa w through the c.rdu1. unsmiling mask he had klrHcd to wcar. Thi s wOman who could see my son with exactly the same eycs a~ mc. It was suddcnly alive in my head, the Ihought that "",<,he vcry ocglllning ofb<:traya1. Ihe mOSl dangerous Ihonghl Ihal a married man could t"\'t"T have. She is om there. Shc exists. I just havcn', met her yet. n
8
J HAD TI10UGHTth.lmylawynv,ouldhdpnwlOkccp tny son. I always lSSUlncd he wou ld tell me Gina was planning to break some inviolable law of nature, and that jlm;ce ",ouldn't allow her to gct away with it. And I was dead wrong. -But parents h.ve cer!:lin rights. Don't Ihey?' "Depends what yOIl meal> by parent: said N ib'd Bauy. "The re arc all kinds of p,.cnts...en'r there? Married parents. Untll.,r;L'
ents. Define parem. Mr. Si lver." -You know what 1 mean. N igd . UlVC JlId m.mag(' parent. Spcrm and egg parent. A birds and bees parent. A biological puent. The old_fashioned kind,· ·Oh, the uld-fashioned kind. Thai kind of p.rem." Nigel Batty was a small. pugnacious man with a reputation for fighting for the righl' of husbands and falhers who were being shafted in the divon;c courts. When I had first mel him, when hI:" had acted for m<' dm-
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ing my divorce from Gin" and our subsequent scrap owr wlic-rc l'3t wou ld live, Nigel's Ix-ady little c-yc-s had betu hiddeu Ix-hiud milk-bottk glasses. Laser vision had correcttd his myopiA and dispensed with the specucles. But he still squintcd om at the world from force of habit, and it made him seem distrustful and wary >lId h()<;,ik, always looking for trouble. I had never really let him off the leash with Gina. I-Ie had wanted to make her look like the whore of Babylon, destroy her m court, and [juSt didn't have the heart for it. Whatever had happe-ned betv,een us, Gina didn't deserve tim kind of fight. And neither did my son. I had thrown in the towel in the fight for custody, Ix-lieving that it was the best dung for l'3t. I had tri~'" to do the dt,Cent thing. Aud I now I fdt hk., the bi!;b'C" ,uchr of alltimc. Batty had his own reasons for being fanatical about the riglits of men. rn h is past there WaS an international marriage, twin daughter-,; and a messy divorce. I knl'W that he never s.:IW his daughters. But for some rcason [ imagined that he could make it,ll work out differently for tne. "My wife can 't do this, can she? She can't just I3ke my son to live in another country. I mean __·"", she?~ "Is the residential parent preventing conuct?" "Spe-a k English, Nigd, will you?I Ie sighed. "If this move takes place, will your ex_wi fe stop you from seeing your chi ld'" "It's the Atlantic OCeall thai will SlOp lilt 'n-ing my son." "But your <.-x-wife is nOI i1l1ending 10 dmy you access to yonr child'" "She's denying me access by moving to ~nOlhcr country."
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"Look-what can we do? H ow can wc stop he r? I don't Can' what it cak"s, Nigd, I dOll't can' what you ha,-" co s:ly or do, !c's all fin,,: ~I lute to Sly I told you so. But you were the olle who wanted CO play hy Marquis ofQuecnshcrry R\lk •.~ "Bonom line, Nigd----
Friday,•
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excell ent , IVlIy do Ki/'Qrn..y Sirls dose II"i, '1'" d"""g sex,) ' Li1!k Woody Allen COU~l. He did it very well. "BmmSt" /I,/,), I,mf Ie Sit Q malt mjcyiltg himself Most amusillg." Whieh reminded me tim Barry Twisi. Ihe show's commis· sioning l-ditor. had been leavi n g messages for me to call him all week. T hc statiml w.s suddenly worried about E.:11110n)USI as 1 had other things to worry 3bom. Hut for the firsltime 1 r,'ali~ed whal Marty meant aboul not k~"eping ~Il yonr eggs in one Nsket. lfEamon wem down. I would!l'.l with him " If this mOW!O Amcric. go<'s alll"ad. is your ex-wife dcnying you rc.sonablc access?" "How do you "lean?" "Would you ever see your son ~gain?" "Well, she says I could come over. And ...·e him 011 the hol idays. Or he conld Corn<' back her<·. But it's not the sanl<", is it? It's not the same 1S being in London together. It's not the same as having a life together. " I shook Iny head. " I e~n f~"el him ... s[ippmg .w. y." "I know the feding." "I dou't know how we can explain it!O him. Moving to Arneric~, I mean." ~Oh, you c.n sell a sevcn_year_old anything, The question is-why should you? l isten_ Mr. Silver, We Cln make her seck p<"nnissiotl to take the child Out of the cournr)". Corlvillce them that your child would be at risk iu sollie w3y if the move b"""s ahead . lening it go (0 COll r( would be time_consnming, traum,tic and expensive. 1 h,ve to warn you~it would also be nnprcdicublc.I made ~n cfToTlnOl to look.t till" phOlograph of twO smiling small girls on his desk. Because I knew thl! Nigel Batty had fought exactly this same fight ~ nd lost. "What h.ppcncd to IllC wou[dn'( neccsSlIrily h'pp..-n to you." he SlIid. reading my milld , "Your wifc would need to
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give details of th" proposed >r,. ngem"ms for your child. Ac" commodation. cduc~tion, heahh. maint<.-n.nc .... , childca, ..... contart. Then th .... coun wou ld d....cide if it ut-edcd 10 exercise lny of its powcrs.~ -Whlt arc the chan ces?~ I cou ld hear him breathing in th.· silt-un'. *Not good. Ther<.-·s somethin g call .... d the mat.... m.l preference factor. IX. you understand that tcrm'* "N o " *It m("anS that, ninety-nine times out of a hundred. th .... father gets fucked .· "BUlthat's not fai r." "I'ostdi"orce parenting is almost always the prerog.uive of the mother. The law is n1<"ant to care aboutlhe welfare uf the child. In ,,·.Iity. the law Ca,e, aool11tht· wish.·, of the mother. Spot the difference? Not the welfare of the child. but the wishes the mother. If your ex-wi fe can convince the court thaI she has no imcmion of d"nying you contact. and that your child's wcll -bt'mg wonld not ",tTer becau ...· of the challge of residence, then she can prmy much tak(" your child where she wants. And if I rnay b'Ct personal for a mOme1l1that is ,-"Xactly what happened to me." I-Ie picked up the photograph on his desk, studied it for a rnom .... m .• nd th . . n pl.ced it
or
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not exactly. You would have conUcr as Ihe named JX'rson iu the coman order.Th" n~mcd person. Once I WaS a f.tha, Now I was a tldllled person. -We hear a 101 a!x.>ut absent falhers in onr .<;ociety, Mr, Sil_ vn. We don't htar SO much .bout decem fatll<'rs who afe d,"nied com:oct with their childreu because of the whim of:o jndb'C· I ha"e seen men destroyed by losing contact with their chi ldren And I mean quitc literally destroy~-d N ervons breakdowns. Suicides. Akohnlics, I·lrart atucks, Blood pressure so high that a stroke w.~ incvitable. Mcn killed by the loss of th eir children. Men who had done nothing wrong."Btll I did: ~Well,
~What? -
-I did something wrong, I"m not like th05<.' other tn,'n, My first 1lIarriage. The breakup. It was all my fault." ·What was yOUT fault?" ~Our divorce. The breakup of our mamage. It ,",as my fanlt. I slept with someooe else: My lawyer bughed out loud. "Mr. Silver. I larry, That's completely irrelevant. You don't ha"c to be tTtle to your wife. Goodness me, that's whal this country is all .!x.>nt.- Hi s face became serious again. "There's s01llething clse yon have to considn. Mr, Silver. and it's the most itrtportam thitlg of all." ·What·s that?-You have 10 ask yourselt=~what happens if yon win'~Thal', all good. isn't it? ThaI', oothing but g<.>od. If! win. then I'at suys Hl til<' COUlIIry and Gina has no choice. Th.!"s JUSt wlm we wam to happeu, isn't it?" ~Wcll ~ how's your e~-W1fc going to f~'el if you stop her moving to America'-I guess ... she WIll Start to hate me. I~eally and tru ly hate my guts:
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N ot for the first time, I re m embered Gina's dre am ofliving in Japan tim I Stole on our wedd ing day. Now I would be stealing her dn,all1 of living ill America. I would have denioo her tWO shot~ at happillCsS ~That's right. Mr. Silver. You will be prl'Veming her from li"ing hcr life whcre she chooscs to live it. And elm is highly likely to haw some impact on yonr son. 111 fact, you Can COnnt on it. Fnnkly. i( you stoppoo her le aving. then she could poi_ son him against you . Make it harder to visit. Ma ke it harder all arunnd. T hat's what nsnally happens.~So yon th ink I should glV" hcr my cunSent to t:lkc l'at Out o{the country?~ "I didn't say thai. But YOIl have to understand somClhing about family law. Mr. Silver. We don't gt"t involvoo. The bwyt"J';. I mean . As long as th,' parents agre,', we leave you to it. If yon can't agree. then we come in. And it can be vel)' hard to get rid ofus." I thought of what my life would be like with Pat in America. How empty it wonld feel. And I thought abom what my life with Cyd and I'cSb'Y would be like with l'at gone. The three of liS had had some great times together. and we would again. I remembered mosely stupid little th ings like dancing to Kylie, m ucking about with Lucy Doll and all of those still, qu itt motttents whtlt wt closed the door 011 the world and didn't even fed the neoo to 1:I1k. But with Pat in another time; zone. the rt would always he a shadow hanging owr even the best of times . J looked forward to watching i'tSb'Y grow up. Yet at tht· Samt· time I wondctlx! how well you could bring np som .... on . . cl""s kid wh .... l1 you couldn't tvcn bring tip your own. And I thought of my li fe if Gina and Pal st:lycd. I could sec Il{""r loathing me. resenting me for her husband's stalled carttr. blaming me for <.""Verything that w.s wrong Hl her lif..... [ tried to th ink about what was beSt
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for my 5011-1 rnlly d id-but I was consumed by the knowl cdb.... ofhow much 1 was b'Oing to m iss him. ·Wh atever 1 do, I lose him: 1 ~id." 1 can't Will, cau I? Ikcause if! give my conselll o r w ithhold it. the SlmC th ing lup_ pens. I lose him for a ",",cond tim e." N 1b'Cl l3ally watcht'd me c.rdully. -Ma ke the mOSt of your fantily.- S3id N igel Bany. "That's my advice. Not as a lav"yer. but as a man. Count your blessings. M ,. Silver. Love YOll' family. Not the family yon once had. Bm the family that you haw now.-
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w the sUp<'TmukCl,
]\'!;!''Y and I had
our way blrrcd by a fat young mother StOOp;ug 10 ,hout at a small. whining boy of about five. ~And I'm telling YOLl, Ronan. for the last time-Moody",,!" ~l3ut
I want: sobbed Ronan, snot and tears all over I",
trembling chin . "Uut 1 wan!. Mu m. I want. I warn. I want" "You can't ka,y any more, I{onan. You might ",0,,/ but you cau't I,n".., okay' You've had enough, all right? You'll he sick if YOll have any more (o,hy. You n" have 'lOme more tomorrow. If you'rr a b'OOd boy .lId e.t up all your dinner." "But I want now. Mum. 1 want right now,' -You're not getting any morc and th.I's finaL So shut it, Ronan,"
·Wam. want, wam!"
*This is what yOll walll, Ilonan: s.:r.id the woman. suddenly losing it. and she grabbed Ronan's arm, SpUIl him around and slapped him hard across the top of his Icb'S_Once, twice, three timcs. And I rt"3[iu"d the W0l113n wasn't fat at ~[[. She waS about twenty weeks pregnant.
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nonan w:>.. si1cm for a split second, his eyes widening with shock, and then the real howling 1:,.:WIU. The pregnaru yonng woman dra~'Cd him away, his screams {'choing all lhe way from cooked m eat~ to hO\l~hold goods. Peggy and 1 exchanged a knowing look. She w:>.S sitting in the shopping nn . facing TIlt, hn link left> danghllg, and I could tell thai w{' ",cr{' thillking th{' same thing. Thank God we are not like Ihat. The pair of nS often fclt a bit superior in tht, supermarket . W{' looked in TIIute horror at all thoS{' frazzled. frequemly pregnant young mums dragging their sobbing brats past another sugar counter, and all those ominously si lent. red-faced fathers ready to explode at th~' firST wrong ",urd fro m theIr sul king, surly chi ldren. and we thought-wt· ar<' bener d,.n that. I think Peggy thought that it was just a question or!,.'OOd manners. For an eight -yea r-old child, she had a sense of decorum wonhy of Princt'ss Diana. These dreadful linle p<.·ople clearly didn't know how to act in a supennarkct. Common as muck. most of them. But for me it WaS about more than correct supermarket etiquette. When C yd w:>.s working, nm catering for a conference in the City or a launch party in d", WCSt End. alld l'e~'Y and I did thl,' sllpcnllarket run alon('. I often looked at those real nll"us and dad, shopping with their real "Ons and danghters. and I tho"ght_what"s to envy? When yon looked at the hi.:kning r"lity of genuine puemS and their geu uin{' children, what was so great about it? In a crowded supermarket near closing time, it WaS easy \0 bclie\'e that the real thing w:>.sn't all thaI il was cr"ked up to be. 1'<"gt,'Y and I had fun. I\'rhaps it waS because booi"g to the supcrlllarkn tognhtr w~s still 3 rart enough "vrm to ({'ci likt
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a minor adventure, although it was happening more and more now that r"d boxes and leering cartoon characters weTc all around. ~Sngar-<,oJtcd Frost<-d Flakes, They're greeeaa.t!" "DolI't ne~-d any, Pcg_There's lots of ccreal at hOllle' - Not sugar-<'Q.lted Frosties, I-hrr),- Not TOlly the Tiger_ Tlu-y'rc grn'c.""t!" I'q;l,'Y liked her sugar-<,oat<-d Frosties. Or perhaps she JUSt
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liked Tony the TIger and his catchphrase, But I had seen her ha'·... this "'X3ct confrolltat ion with her mother 3 f(;v times be,forI.". Peggy liked Frostics_But Cyd alway. bought muhipJCks of ce",al. And the unwritten mle in our honse dearly .cated that PC!:!''Y had to eatthc 10t~inc1l1ding Coco Pops, WI",.ti,'s and the dre3dnl Sp<-cial K~bcfore we bought 3nothcr lIIultipack, We couldn't get another multipaek Just occause she had noshe-d all the Frostie._ WI!en the suga r-coated FrQ<; ties controvCTsy arose HI the past. Cyd simply moved on down the aisle. and the subject \MIS droppe-d. But with me, Peggy sensed that victory and eXtra sugar-coat,"<:! Frosties were in her grasp _ ~Mummy said. Harry," She reached out and pulled a jumbo pack of Frostit'S from tht, shd( Tony the Tign grinned at me. li e kept !,'1inning e"en when I took the box from her and put it back on the shelf. "Oh, Harry. You disappoint me. you really do." " No. Peg. Lislen. we'lI !,'Ct some mort' Frosties when you've eaten .11 the other stu ff. I promise, oby?" A dark cloud passed o"er her lovely little face. "We will !,'Ct some now. This very minute, I mean it, Harry. I'm not kid_ ding. " ~ No. Peg. " Sill." starced climbing om of the shopping C3ft. Shl." w:lS getting a bit too big to ride in there. and suddenly the cart lurched to oue side and [ had to catch her, "Jt'sus Christ, l't'g. you'll split your head open." -DolI 't swear. Harry. It's very vulgu" She pulled a pack of Frosti es from the shelf. I took them from her and threw them oocl<. People were starting to s tare_ The way we stared when Hou.u waS b'Cning smacked fOT his wluuing aud his W:llltiug. "Now StOp making a fuss. I"g. and let's!,,,, homl:'."
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I went to pick her up and place her back in the car!, but she wiggled 3ml shoo k. "Don't touch me. Harry. You' ..· not my father." "What did you Sly'" "You heard me. I believe." I Wl·1t1 to pick her up "!l"in but she took 1\0,0 StepS backward and raised her voice .•/ "",11/ my """"my. )j",~ ... ,,,;tI my daddy Stvp
a(tin,~
Ijke)'<'u are.'
An old lady with a basket CQnui nin!,' two tins of cat food aud • pac ket of tmlted milk balls stopped to mvesti!l"tc. "Arc you all right, dear?" 'She's fine: I said. "Excuse me: said the cat lady. "I'm not talking to you . I'm talking to the link gal." " He aCts lih' he's my daddy but he', nor," PCst;y ""id, her e~s suddenly filling with self-pity. " I Ie's really not. I le'sjuSi pretending." ·Oh, here we go," I ",id. "Here come the tears." "What an a.,.,{u[ man you arc ." said the old girl. The young pregnam mother and Ronan Itappe ned to be passing. Honan had cheered up considerably. lie was just fin" is hiu g off a bag of California_roll_flavored potato chips. "Are yon all right, darling?" ",id his mum. "She's upset: said the old Cat lady. -She waitt... her ntutnnty." "Who's he when he's at home" ",id the young mum, in_ dicating me. "I dotl'tthink It,-'s anyone." said tlte old girl. "Arc you .nyone? An: you her daddy? " "Well, not exactly" " No, he's certainly "ot,' ",id Peggy, hugging the leg of no"a,,'s mutn. "My d:.ddy has a motorbike." The old lady soothed her l, ai•. [~o"a n stared at me with
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wary curiosity. Flakes of chips were all around his mouth. Saving them for later, my mum would ha"e said. Thw suddenly there was a StOfl' detective, all brown shin and shaven head and bkcps. "What's gQing on hen: th en?" ~This is ridiculous: I said. ~We',,-, going home now," I made 10 pick up i',,!;!,'Y. but she Tccuikd as if I ",:IS approachmg her with a blood-sta incd chainsaw in my hands. ~l)on'tlet himlouch me'" "I-lc'lluever get you: said lhe old lady. - I" d like to Sce him try It: said Ronan's mum. -Mum?" s.:. id Ronan, starting to cry. Yuu could sec the masticated chunks of polato ch ips ill h is mouth, "]'11 SOTI Ihis ont." said the store dClecli'-e. Then he was m my face, th is crop-halTed white boy with a sprmkling of aerl<' ronning down his thick p",k neck. I-hs meaty hands pressed lightly Jg:Jinst my chest. Over his shoulder I could S<."1: the old lady and the young nwnl with their arms around Peggy, all ofthcm glowering at mc. - I need to havc a word with rou, SIT: said the detective. taking my arm, "In the supervisor's office. Then we'll see if the police nccd 10 be involved,~ I furiously shook him off. "The police? This is nuts." ~Are you this child', father?" -I"m h", mother's husband: ·We'll see aboU1that," ~rm not going anywhere with you. We're gmug home right now." Til<' thin v<'il of polil<"l!CSS slipped from Ins eyes. I b>otthe imprcssion he w.s glad to let it go. -You're coming with me, pal: he ~aid , his voice a little lo"'-er now hut somehow more (onv;ncing. "We can do ;t nicd)' Or the other way. Bm you're coming with me," -Crazy: I s.:.id. "It's plain crazy:
l3ut I let the store detective lead me away, leaving Peggy with her uew pr01<.'"CIors. "MUHl,~ [heard Honall say. "Can I h.,·....- · ~ No. yon fucking well can't: said his IllUIll. I spent tv.-o hour> in a [ill[c rOOm S<:t aside for shuplifters. thc
perpetrators of shopping C3n rage and other assoned crnics. JUSt me and the spotty det~""tive. [n the end. they didn't call the po[iee. They ca ll ed my wife I heard them ocfore I cou ld >ct· tht'm as their footsteps echued through the warren of StoreroomS and uffices m the bowels of the supermarkel. The door opened and there they were. my wife and my stepdaughter. eS«lrted by some sort of whit<'-co",cd manager. ~ H enu. I-Iarry: Peggy said. M\VI", 'sthis ruum then?" "Ma'.n!?' said the 'nan in the white coot. "Is that him" - That's him." Cyd said. "That's my husband. " She didn't sound too happy about it. ~Try
to ha" e a good time: Cyd said. as our black cab crawled through the ear[y evening traffk of the West End. " I know ynll're not in the mood for going out. Not after being ar_ rested." "I wasn't arrested." "No" ~I was only taken in for questioning: ~Oh. "
"There's a difTermcc: "Of course. But please try 10 have a b'OOd time. r"Or mc." "I will: 1 said. "For you" And I meant il. [ kn ew (h.t this was a big night for hcr. Cyd waS a[w.ys accompanying me to work-related (unctions. Star! of snies dumers, ('nd of snit'S dinnrrs, aw.rd Crre-
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monies galore, and all the other compulsory fuu Ihal we had 10 endure as pan of my workiug life 3S the producer of Fish 0" Friday. She never complained. Unlike Gina. who u~ually came home from Ihest things in lears of rage after someone Iud Irealed her like a moron beCauS{" she w3s a homemaker. Unlike Gina, Cyd actually had 3 b-ood time at these thiub'"S. And tonight it w~s my turn to sund by Cyd. We were goi ng to a dinner organized by the Caterers Guild. It was the first YI'ar thai the chief execmive of r"tXXI Glmious Food had been invited. I waS her plus on .... "Are yon sure I shouldn't h3\'e put on a tie?" I SJid. I was still in the sweatshirt and chinos dutl had been ~pprehendcd in. "They're not all going to be 11l suits and ties. arc Ihey?" Cyd stared al me doubtfully. She had bl'Cn so wnppcd up in what she WaS b'Oing to wcar- in the cnd she slid into this little black number that showed ofT those legs that I lovcd so much. dancers legs. legs thai could havc belonged to Cyd Chari..c herself-that sht> hadn't takcn a lot of notice of me. ·Wdl. what do you wear at one of your dinners? You know. the ones we have to go to when Fish 011 Friday comes to the end of a scries'" "You come lS you are, You wear what you like. Bm that's
'''"
-Olt, you'll be fiue. I was told it's only aU informal little Ihing." The do was in • restlurant called Deng's that I had been to with ""mon and a couplt of ,-xrcmiws from the station. A great big bun of a place that SCT\Td Mod<.'TlI Asi31l-which meanl immacu lately presented variations ofwhal you would gct in restaurants of Soho and Chinatown. but SCT\'cd under ironic, Andy Warhol-style PICtureS of Deng Xiaopmg, and in much smaller portions, The waitcrs at Deng>s wore beautifnl
Mao suits from Shansl"i Tang. The clientele usually wore Ihe expellsive-easual that we sported in my ftlme. But nOllollight. As onr taxi pulled up. Illy SIOlllJch lurched when I saw tlUI tonighllhe men were all in bbd, l ie. Apart from me, uf course. -OJ. Chrisl: s:lid Cyd. "I'm so sorry, Hury." ~Whoops . -
"Do y<.l1l want 10 go home' " I'll butch il Out." "You don'l have to, baoc. T his is myfaul!." "I want to support you tonight. What's the worst that can happen'"Yuu'll (eellil<' a complete did,head?" " Exactly." We We1l1 inside. I moved through the black"lie crowd like a nun in a brothel. conscious of stares and snickers, but isnor" ing them .11. I wasn't b'lling to ict a bunch of chicken satay mercbants SlOp me accomp .. nying lily wife 0 11 hn biS nighl. Sally, Cyd 's assistanl, waved like mad from the other side of tlw room, and starled forcing her way over 10 us. She was wearing §Ollle kind of elaborale hall gown , silky and strapless, like something Lucy Doll would sport on a hig du e with Umcie Doll. It w:lS Ihe firsl lime I had ever seen her looking like a grown-li p woman . She was very exciled, but cahn~-d d",,'n when she saw m e. "What's wrong with Harry?" -He did n'l know: said Cyd. "Lu ke Moore wants \ 0 meet you,- Sa lly said, taking Cyd's arm. " Luke Moure? I-Ie's here?"
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he '>vants to meet you." Sally w::lS babbling now. ~He mid m<.' he's heard loIS of good thillg>' about Food Glorious Food alld mi~lI put som<.' busilless our way: ~Who'~ Luke Moorc1~ I said. ~He'. only, li ke, the billb""" thing in the world," Sally '
I disl iked him immcdiately. He was surrounded by chording sycophants who were hanging on to his evcry word. "Appar<.'mly sci<.'ntists have discowred a food that reduces the fettlale sex drive by niuety"uine percell!: he said. "It's calk..:! wedding cake." While his flunkies howled with laughter and wiped a'"ay their ("ars of mirth, LuI." Moore saw Sa11y, who wa, pushing Cyd forward . And then he '
said Cyd, alld I "oticed that shc wasn't exacdy breaking her 1fm trying 10 frtt her haml from this old rake. "This is my husbattd: Luke Moore looked :It mc for the first timc. ~[ thought he was your jauitor.~ Till- sycophauts st:lrted splitting their sides. But. as my cheeks burned. my wife stuck up for me. ~Actually my hushand is a very ,mportant nlln. Mr. Moore. He's the TV producer. I-larry Silver: ~Of conrse." said Luke Moore, who had clearly IInTr hcard of mc. "I alii an enOrmouS fau of your ,,"urk. ~ "Hight: "Marty Mann was really something special when YOll were ,,"urki"g togethcr. Ibth cr sad. what', happencd to hilll, do,,'t you think? All these dreary little prq,'TaIllS with low owri't'ad, and high impact. Six l'isstJ SludmlS and .11 the rest. J"vc nothing against making money. Far from it. But I attl so gbd you're ,,"urking with Eamon Fish now." I was impressed. And flattcred. "Eamon Fish,~ said one of the sycophants. " I k's bloody b'OOd: "Yc-s," said Lukc Monre. "Hc has a sort ofB_list style abom him.I smi led. biting my tongue. Why is it the only people who u lk about the B list arc people on the C, D and E li sts? ~l'lu,: .aid Luke Monre. ~JlInki cs always have a certain appeal, dnn'{ they? Yon always wonder what', going to happen next." "He's not • junkie." I said. " He's suffcring from cxltaus{ion," But Luke Monre had finishcd with mt.He bowt-d forward shghtly, lifted Cyd's hand and-nglll there III froll1 of c"cryone---gaw it a kiss. ~Sound, good,~
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I nearly puked. ~I ~lwlyS uect1 b'lJoOd JX'0pk: he S3.id. "My busi!!("ss always ne("ru a woman like you, Cyd. We really must Iry to do sum("" Ihing together." " I"d like that: said my wife. Then they exchanged cards. and I kn("w it wasn'tjusllrying 10 be poli,,·. Thes(" rv,'O wonld set tach other ag:lin. "Mayhc yon should get Luke Moore to go to the supermarket ",;Ih Pe ggy," I s:.id in the cab going home. It had been a rotten evening, and I waS drunk andj("alous and tired of JX'opk looking at tne as if I should have uS<."d the tr
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EMBLAZONED DJAGON,\L1Y ACROSS dwfOIlSAlE
sign outside Gina's home- SOLD. When she came 10 the door, [ could ~c packing cralCS stre tching Ihe lCIl!,>th of Ihe hall. It w~s rcally h'pp"mng. I w.nk..:! 10 do something different with Pal. The usual
Sunday trinity of pictures, park and pizza didn't seem like qu ite enough. r wauted him to ha,-c J greal time. I wanted 10 sec his face lit up with joy. [ wanted him to remember today. So we drove down to Somerset H on", on the Strand, It', a
grand old buikliug stuffed with public rcrortis-ccnificatcs of birth and death and maniaS". All orlif,', paperwork. Bm we weren't going in_ide. We were herc for the (oUlltains. They gave liS colored umbrellas to cover ourselves llld we b,,!~n racing through til{' forest of foullfains in the courtyard. Illy son's face screwed up with delight 3S Ill{' w3ttr bounced off his brolly_ Gene Kdly, llh oughL 5j"g;'" in rhr Raj,,_ Ju
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while the other children and their parents w;",dered oIY for drier, more sedate tnt<.-rtaimllem, But Pat eonldn 't b>et I-nongh of the minifoull1ains dm SOllie geni us had installed in the courtyard of tlm h<;autiful old build ing. So we stayed at Somerset I-louse all afternoon . nllln;ng through the water with uur umbrdl.s above our ht'ads. Suah-d {O (he skin, uur heartS pumping lnd llmost bursting with happiness. Then as il started to get da rk. we drove OUIIO my mum's place and went to the old park_ JUSI Ihe d"..."e of ns . My mother and my SOn all d Illt'. w.lking by the !akt III the darkness uf a November aftCTlIoon. The park waS empty. Evnyolle b'One. LaSI year's leaves underfoot. and that winter smell in the air, fireworks and mist and another year sli pping away. And it remlllded me uf anuther day in this same park. The day we took th,' stabilizers uf( of Blue bel!. Pat's bih·, 1 remembered myoId man, the cancer already growing inside him, although we didn't know it yet. running behind Blut'bdl. always losing ground. but saylllg those thrt'e words again and ag.in, I've gOt you. rw got you. l've got YOIl. Then. when it ,",as really gening dark. 1 took him home to his mother. I wal ked him 10 tht door, and knelt in front of him, so that we were the same height. Kissed him, told him to he a g<.>Od boy and sqneezed hil11 like 1 ,"collld newr1ct hil11 go_ And the next morning Pat, aud his mothn and her new hnshlud al! (auglll the pl.lIt to their nt'w life in .lIotlier cOHnlry_ Thnc was still nO sign of Eamon. The warm-lip man had come .nd gone and thl:' studio au-
die nee was getting restle ... T heir mood was darkening by the minme. Th<.'y were here w li,v<.' 3 b'OO<.ltim<.' and, as my nunn would haw put it, would laugh to sec a pudding roll. Um waiting for the sur to show up W l S stlrting to fecI too Illllch like hard work. The c,meram.,n looh-d bored. The ]mocne lady Sat ochind her Illuniwr and did her knitting. Th<.' fluor ntall 3b'C r pressed his headphorl<'s and muttCf<.'d something 10 the direClor up III Ihe gallery. He looh"d ove r al me and shrUSb""d. ~ I' n get him: I,aid. The changing-roum duoT waS locked. I banged on it and called EanlOn's name. No reply. I b;)llb""d harder Ihis lime, called him a few fillhy names and lold him 10 open up. Sikuct. And then. finally, the patler u( dassic ",wakers. Eamon unlocked th,' door and as I went inside he sank to his knees and ocgan search ing for somelhing under his dresser. I cursed him. assum;'lg he WaS looking for a few m;splaced grains of cocaine. 13m il waSll' t that. ~She's here somewhere." he ",id."1 know ,he is-ahT" lie gol up, a few grubby scraps of paper ;n his hand. l ie began spreading tll<'1ll on his dressing table. and putting them together like • jigsaw puzzle (or the nnder_fives. It was a photograph of a girl. An East Asian woman. Dark. Lovely. SomeO{)<.' I had mel. "Mcm: he said. "My beau liful Mem . Oh how could you be so cruel? I loved you so much, yon dirty lillie hitch." I watched him ,,-,,-,cmblc the photograph he had torn to pica·s.h waS a Pol ..oid, 011e oflhose pictures taken (or lovers .1 tOur;'1 SpOiS. A man and a w 01l1311 011 a suunner's J~ y, squinting mlO Ihe camera m front o( Notre Dame. Eamon and his Me", in Pa ris. ~Whal hJPpcucd, Ea mon?"
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she', mamal, ~ ~Mcnt's m3rried?~ I r..-rn<.'1nocrc'
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mn..-." ~Jesus"
I put my Jill] around him. " I'm sorry. E,lInon,"We met IIp_ To talk abo\lt getllng hack togethe r_ She sc.'med ke..-n. Missing Ille. Aud I had bought her a ring. An cngal,'.:meUl ring frum Tiffany. A real one. Isn't that a laugh? When she went to do whatever it is they do in the toilet, I trit-xI to hide it in her wallet _ Thought it would be a surprise_ And that's wht'l, I found the pi nnrt· of her and the husoond and the linl., kid. Bitch. J thought she meant it when ,he "id she wJnted to come oock to me, I Ian)'. But I was just a cash point mach inc." We both stared at the destroycd pICture he was trying to put haek t<>gether. "Do you think if I SCIlO1~pcd it up it would look oby, I larry? What do you reckon? Or should I try Supergluc?" " listen. Eamon. Yon have to worry about th at later. There's a few h1lndr<-'
1m
Friday. '
"TI,e show? Ilow can I think aboutlhc show when Mem's 1,'01 a husband and kid'~ "'You have to. That's what it', all abon'- Going on when you don't f"d like it. Doing a gTl'at show wh,,!! you're down. This is the lif..- you chose. Yo u can', uk a night offbecausr yonr heart got kicked aronnd." ~Kickcd around" It's been llIa
,vouldn't like it. I need a line, H arry. It', in my coat, I've been saving it for all emel1,>ency, And hert it is, Chop a couple Out, would you?" N ow it w.ts my turn to be angry_I took the small packet of cocain e from his coat and flung it in his face . • Is she thc rCaSun yuu',,· fal hng to picces? Some girl? She's b'"Ot a husbaud and kid back in T hailand so you ft'ach for the magic dust' Arc you nuts' You're b'Oing to throw it all aw.ty for one girP" " Not One girl--IIie girl. Don't you understand .nything abuutluv,-, you miserable bastard, I-larry?" "Plenty, pal. l.()()k. I know Mem's a IO"ely looking wonun. Btu there are plenty more fish in the sea, ' "And all of them su slippery, I-larry," I-Ie picked up th,' eucaint and stuff,·d it in his pocket, ful lowed by the scraps of lorn-up photograph, Then he brnshed past Ille, pausing at th e dressing door. "Ah, but how could you ever underslaud, Harry? Sure, yuu're a maTTied man . What would YUll kn ow about romatlct?Tht Sundays were tht worst. With Pat gone, th e day of rest w.ts n"ver ending. I wandered around th e house feeling lost, unable to recog. nizc my life, while in the kioc h{'n I'tggy was h{'lping Cyd to make hn special feciI''' for dun tplings. I could tell that the duml,iings were for Food Glorious Food rather than our dinn er beeanse there mllst have bo.""n abuut si." hundred of them. They were un silvl"T trays .11 Over tht kioch{'n, tll"S" little parke-Is of dough that my wifc and her daughter were carefully stuff"'g with meat, chopped garlic and herbs, getti ng them ready for grilling_ "Texan dUlllplin gs,- Cyd said. " Like the cowgirls eat.' I\-ggy said,
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I stood in the doorv,ay, watching Ihe pair of Ihem working.
They wtTe both bare-armed, ",-eaTing matching aprons, their black hair pulled back off their lovely faces. T hey looh-J as Ihough th~'Y we re having ~ gI"Cll lime. - u mesomc wilhon! him, hu h?- Cyd said. I nodded, and she robb,.. d my atm. I didn't havc to explain how I fdt on Sundays. 51", loved TIlc ettough to ullderstand. - N ~"ed any help" I said. "What_ from )'.",r Pcggy said Cyd smIled. -Sort·.I'CSb'Y showed lIle what to do. You Iud to gel a lillie ci rcle of paStry stuf[ PUt some meat in the middle, sprin kle on the herbs and garlic, and then fold it shut, pmching the top of the dumpling togethn so that you got this patten! ofindelliations at tht, top. Surprisingly enough, I WaS completely crap Jt it. Myoverstuffed dumpling fell apJrt before it could even be placed on one of the silver trays. At first it w"' highly amosmg to all three of ns that Illy domplings wcrt' rubbish. But aftn a while, as my dumplings continued to collJpse. Ihe joke wore thin . "Not like ,h41, Ilarry,- 1'1:00 sighed. "You're pUiting too mnch m11 inside .She showed me how to do it wi th her nimble little fingers attd ,oon my tedmi'lUl' improved. I could tell dm l'eb"h'Y got a kick OUI of being the teacher. and for a while We were all working in happy dumpling_ma king harmony. Then from somewhere, J fclt a kind of resdcssne,,_ -You know what?- J said. -Mayb,.. rll 1,'0 and sec Illy 111"'11." ~Why
don't you'- Cyd sard _-She'd like that." -Think you nn manage hen: without me'They v..ere both far tOO kind to anSwer such a silly qm's110n.
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I wasn't the o nly one w ho was missing Polt. There was a small boy outside our hOLise . A good looking, dirty-folced little kid whose beat-up old bike was slightly too big for him. "Where's Patric k then?" he said. " Pat? Pat's gone. He went last week. To America." The boy nodded. " I knew he was going. But I didn 't know if he was goned yet." "Yes, he goned. G o ne, I mean. Were you at school with him ?" Bm the kid had gone. Peddling off that bike that looked as though it had belonged to an older brother or sister. That small boy, wondering how he was going to fill his day with o ut my son . Bernie Coopcr. Pat's first best friend. When I was a boy there we re lots of people who 1 could go to visit with out wa rnin g. All those friend s whose doorsteps J cou ld just turn Lip o n, and kn ow I wo uld rece ive a warm welco me. Now th e friends were all grown, olnd 1 was a man, and th e o nly person in the world who I co uld visit unann oun ced was my mum . "Harry," she said , letting me in. " Hel lo, love . I was just about to go out. ~ 1 was dumbfounded. "On a Sunday? You' re going out on a Sunday?" "I'm going to the Union Hall with your Auntie Ethel. We' re going lin e dan cin g." " Line dancing? What, that cowboy dancing? But I thought we could watch a bit of tclly. " "Oh, Harry," laughed my mum. "I can watch telly when I'm dead."
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The doorhell rang and a seventy-year-old cowgirl c>me inside. Instead of her usual sensible cardi!;3n. floral skin Jud chunky Scholl sandals, Aumic Ethel frolH next door. who WJ.su·t rcally my auntie 11 ali, was wcaring 1 Stetson. a fring..."d. spangly jackel and cowboy hoots. "Hellu. Harry luv<·. Cuming line darKing with us?" "You look great. Ethel." said my mum. "Annie get your gun • "G ranny get your gun. more like: said Auntie Ethel, and they both bughed like uverflowing dmins. - Ethe!"s been ocfort. She's already a bit uf an expert. Aren't YOIl. Ethel?" Auntie Ethel smiled modestly. " I can do the S1cny Slide. the Hardwood Stomp and the Cruy Legs. I"m still having problems with my Dime-a- DarK<' Cha-cha and my Shamrock Shume: She began to Slimy jerk around the living room. almost colliding with a lime green poutTe. -S tep forWJ.rd on left, stomping ",..,ight onto it-hitch right knee slightly wlnlst swingmg foot side to side-h itch right knee a little higher: "Is that your Dime-a- Danee Cha-cha, Ethel?" " No. 10,"". that's my Shamrock Shnme. And I"ll tell ynn what- it's doing wonders for lumbago." I looked 3t Auntie Ethel and then at my mum. -You 're UOt b'Oing om dressed hke drat: I told her. But J n~"edn't have worried . My mum was going to sec if she liked it before she bought any of the cowboy kit. J saw them ufT. And it waS only wlwlt Illy I11UI11 W:lS waiting for Auntie Ethel to "dge her Nissan Micn oUl of the drive tim she turned to me. ·You·ll b'Ct him back. love. Don', worry. Wc'll b'Ct him back.-Will we? I"m not so sure. Mum."
need thei r dads." ~Dads dOll't1l13!t<.'r the way they uscd 10 in your d3y," "Ewry kid n«:ds both of its pamus, low. They do. II takes t\O,u to tango J didn't have the h<.'ar! to point om 10 my mum Ihat nobody did Ihe lan!,'O anymoR', Not even Iwr, Auntie Ethel b<.'ep
It was aft<.'r midnight when I got hOllle.
The bed was (u lL PeS!,'Y was slttping in her mother's arms, sucking methodically on her Ihumb, her dark hair plaslned 10 her bulging baby's foreht'ad, as if sIlt' was fighting a ft'Vt,r. "Bad dr<.'am: Cyd whispered. "Somct hing aoom her dad falling ofT his motorbikc, I'll make sure shc 's ofT and thcn take her back 10 her room." "It's okay. Keep her hc re," "Do you mind, babe?" "No problem." So I ki"t>d my wife and went to sleep on the sofa. And I truly didn't mind , Peggy needed her 111U111 touight. And alone on the sofa I didn't have to worry about I'cSb'Y waking up. Of Cyd feding tOO tired for sex, or if r was taking up 100 much of Ihe comforter, There was nobody 10 cuddle downstairs, but also nobody 10 ,poilmy sleep. That's tht, thing about sleeping OIl sofas. You g<'t us.ed 10 it. "You ne~>d to get S0111C TOmanee back in your life: Eamon told me . He pushed some pasta from one side of the plate to the other, Hc w"",'t eating mueh these days. "S0111C excitemeut, I-larry. S0111t' pas~ion. Nights wht'll you dun't go to slecp oc-
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cause you can't bear to be apart. You must remember all that. Think bac k, think hard." ·You thin k I shou ld gel my wife some flowers?" He rolled his eyes "I lhink you should ge t yourself J mis_ Ires.,"
"1Iov(; my wir..·." "So wlm? Romance is a b...sic human tight. like food. water aud sheher." "You don·t mean roma ncc. You mean getting your end away. You·rc thinking about your nasty link knob. As usual." "Call it what yun will, I·larry: eyeing up one of the J apanese waitresses as she too k his unealen fish away. " But if you !,'Ot a biton the side. you wou ldn· , be hartning your marriage. Yuu would be keeping it togethn." "Try explaining tim w my wif.·." "Ah. your wife wouldn't kn ow." "Btll r would. You don't tmderst.1nd. I don't Want a new ","Oman. I just wan! my wife back. The way we were." "You married men make me laugh: Eamon chucklcd. ' You complain about a lack of exci tement under tbe old mario tal cotn foner. Ll tH you don't have the ncrve to go out an d look for some. You kn ow ,,>:.:IcIly what you want, but yo u dnn·t havc the guts to ge t it." "That"s what being married is all about." ·What- frust rati on? Disappoinunem? Disillusiou? Sleep" ing wi th somcone yon don·t fancy? Sounds great . J·larry. Sonnds krrific . Remi nd me to stay si ngle." "J still faHey Cyd." I said, and Im cam it. Som<.'lilllcs I watched her face when she did,,·t know I was looking and J was shocked at how lovely she was, shoc k~"d at the emotio n she could stir in me without doing a thing. "And I dllnk she still fanci es mc. WI,en she rcm{"mbe~ to. that is."
Eamon had a bugh at that. 'What I meal! is-a rnarria;,'" can't .-rid JUSt becauS(C the honcyrnooll is ova." ~Bltllhe honeylll()()tl is tile !xjl bit.· ~ Don't worry ,bout onr _<;eX life~it's fmc. Whcn we ( an work up the en...-!o,'y.lt'sjust~l don't know. The spark SCnllS to have ;,oone om. She's always busy with work. Or she COllieS home tircd. Or the boiler has burst, It never used to be this ~y.
~Wumcn
change, l-hrry,~ Eamon said, leaning back, ;,"'lIing cxpansiw. "What you have tll l1UdCNtalld is thaI at ditTrrcnt times in her life, a WOlllan is li ke the world: "I-low's that'" ~Well, from thirteen to eight~'Cn, sh,"s hke Mrica~virgm tcrritllry, From " iglntcn to thirty, shc's likc Asia~hot and cxotic. From thirty to forty-five, she's like America~ fully explort."
He went otT to the bathrOOIll _We had agre~'gcthcr.! knew he waS depr~"Ss,:d abom taking a break from Ihe show. BUI the statiun was demanding that he clean I'P his habit before he went back on alT_ That's why we were having this lunch _ So r could convince Eamon thaI he nel'
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hi, skin parchmelH pale. Not again, I thought. I tapped my noS<."" and h(" dabbc:-d his linen napkin at a flake of white powder on his Si lillS. "Whoops: he giggled. " l isten. there's a doctor in Harley Street. She !real, ... ex_ haustiun. Thr statiun walliS you to Set· het. I'll (On1<" with yon." "Oh, great big hairy bullocks. What am I? A kid? I don't ne~-d any help" - l istcnto me. E:llnon. You'V(" gOt an cnOrmuuS taleut and right nOW yuu're in danboe r uf pissing it away." "] dOIl'l lleed help, Harry." "If rou don't SCe this dOClo r. rOil will evemually lose yonr shuw.-l"m !im·." ·You will certainly ruin your hea lt h." -That'. my blls;lles•. " "You will probably get in trouble with the police." - Fuck ·(m." 'You will definitely put all your h~rd-camed moncy right up your IIOse and straight down dte toilet." " I can do what I like with it," "And you will also shrink your penis." -What?" 'You heard l1Ie." He stared at me for a moment. "What's thi, doctors name then?" His mubile phont· began to vibl":lt(. Not ring, JUSt cun"ulS<."". He picked it up and st:lrtcd t:llking. "ven though pholles were nOI allowed in here . It WaS his ex"girlfriend. It was Mem I-Ie was immediately on the verge of tears. running agonized !ingns through his fluppy black hair. - l"m 1101 Ila..ssing yuu ... was it twenty messag'"'? Surely
quite that many? AnY""'y, I just want to see you, my little lemon-flavored I'op'icle ... why~ JUSt to talk to you. to explain. . Mem. we c~n have it all ag:liu ... I waitt to Ix- the on ly rmn you bp ...:hncc for ... pleasc, luby . Two businessmen at the next table stared at him with con_ tempt. -Who's the corm-dian with th ... mobile?" one said. "Th,-,e arc supposed to Ix- no phones in here" "Duh: said the oth er. impersonating a dumb cel l phone uSCr. "I'm On the rr~i" ... • Eamon picked up the scarcely toucht"d pasta in from of him and flung the conle1llS over the pair of them. "II didn't ring, did it'- Eamon de'mnded. "I've gOl it on vibrating alen and no ring, right? So there's no ddYercnce betwecn me talkiug into tbis phonc and you ffi"O dickheads talking to each other about the f'nancial markelS or Tib'"Cr Woods or whatever floats your pathetic boats. is there?" Good point, I thought, indicating that we would like our bill. He should incorporate tbat imo tht" act too. But Jcsushe was ,e;illy to e"plod .... Once he would haw torn those businessmen apan with his tOnglle. Now he needed to assault them with penne Arabiatta. And :os they threatened to punch our lights ont, llh ought about what Eamon had s:lid 3bom a wOmat l !x-ing li ke the world. If his theory was correct. then that made my wife America. But aftN a yelT and a hit of marriage, she
Some nights we put Peggy to bed and one of us would re ad to her until she WaS sleeping and then we would watch TV and make luvt" un the sof, altd Om little family scemed to be thriviltg.
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Som" other nights Peggy stayed owr at h"r dad's place, aud Ihiugs wen' uever so f,'<Xl<:!. Jim Masou had a ucw girlfrielld. and Ihe woman was clearly rl13kiug every cffort to show how "underful she was-nuking space in thei r reb. tionship for Peggy, lavishing her with attention and pr"M'nts. aCling as if il wuu ld be hk" tins forever. It waS on these nights when Peggy waS absent Ihal Cyd always seerm'd to work Idte. Everything took a little longer when i'e%'Y wasn't around. The launch parties in the West End, the conferences in the City-maybe it w.sjUSt a coincidellce. bm there were nO early nights fOT Cyd when there was no 1'cf:h'Y to cume hutTl<, Tu. Yes. tmyhc il WaS JUSt coincidence . Th at"s what I thought. Until I started to recogni~e his car. I w.ited by til<" wlIldow nntil I 5.:IW the Pu=h,' 911 mille into vi,,,'. It was always late by nuw. the <'arl y huurs. and the' familiar 911 callle down our street with the menacing grace of a shark moving through shallow water. The 911 parked. I muld ..,e their shadows. 1 could w.teh the silhouettes of Illy wife and Luke Moore .s she sat in I", Porsche, j ust ulking. Tlt"t's all. JUSt !:lIking. BI1I by tlte tillle I heard her key in the lock I was in bed. lying very still on my side. eyes dosed . my breathing <""',,n. My wife tiptoed into our bedroom .nd began taking off her d othes as quietly.s she muld. Pretending to be mrning home late from work, wltile Iter hnsband lay the,..., in the darkne ... pretending to be ask...,p . A postcard frum N<"\\" York. On tht froHl. a slrOt of Ccntnl Park with the sc'" asons changing. Silvery skysc rapers peek o'·er a thousand t"'"eS of rust, green and gold. Fluffy whire clouds in a brighr blne sky. 0" the back, a lllesS:lb'<' from my son, each Ittter Illeticuluusly printed .
DEAR DADDY WE WENT TO THlS PA RK. THEY GOT DUCK. I LOVE YOu.
W IlE YOUR SON. B4.T xxx
And sometimes in the sleepless hours ocfore d3wn r get out of ocd and go to my study_ There r go to my desk and remove a shoc hox full of photographs. leafmS thmugh the m until the house ocgins to stir. My wif," on our wcddmg day. And my wife before she W3S my wife- laughingly rowing a boat o n the lake in Hyde Park. At an awards ceremo ny SQme fancy hotel. And precious photographs of wl1<"11 she was a child. I am shocked .t how dearly she IS still the .. me person-th,· wide-s<"t brown "y,>s, the sligh tly goofy smile. Cyd. and nobody else but Cyd. And I work my way back through the photogr~phs of my SOIL A l"'l amid of the pair of us taken hy a street photographer in Paris. At his fifth birthday party, after his mother and I had split. blowing OuI Ihe candles on his cakt:. Pal wilh Gina on a beach. Pat- a golden-haired Ii tree-year-old-:ln my father's lap. Pat as a baby in my ar ms. I like the old photographs best. From the years when he was still mine. All thoS(" sllapshotJ> of happiness. And :IS London slowly wakes up outside my window, wonder how J have managed to lose the two people who loved most or aiL
11
"DRUNK GOES INTO • confession booth", Kikarncy,'
Eamon said. MThc priest goes, 'What do you need, my SOil" Drunk goes, 'You got lny r~pcr on your side, tnale?' ~ were in a waiting room in Harley Sln"'l. There were deep sofas. an elderly lad y al a ,mall reception desk and rcal
we
CSt3IC brochures on bcqucrcd tJbks. Morwy and ill hcaldl filled the ai r. Eamon's fingernails were chewed down and bloody. "You'll be oby," I told him. 'School bus ill Kibrn<.'y. Thnc's this old drullk- ,wal-
lowiug his longue, singing rebel songs. pukin g up. Compktdy 0\11 of it. Th e little kids haw to help him ofT. Theil one of them soy., 'Fllck, now who's g<Jing to drive?' " "She's a really good dOCior. She has sc:cn ",odds. musicians, cv.-rybody."
"Mall walks into a Kilcarncy har. 'GIve me a fucking drink' Bartender goes. 'First perform three tasks_ Knock out
,he bo"ncer. 1',,11 ~ loose tooth um of,he gu~rd dug. And givt' ,he loul whore the sh~g of lIn life.' Guy knocks Out the
'"
bouncc r with a swect left hook. Guy goes into the b. ekroom attd soon the ~:uJTd dog s[:ms barking and ye lping. Guy walks ~ck into the bar, doiug up his fly. '!tight: he s>ys. 'Whert's the dog with the loose tooth l' ~ ~Try to relax.~ ~This is bollocks, I don't nel-d auy help. Thos..' bastaros at the st:ltion," ~Mr. Fish ?~ the desk lady said. "Dr. 13agsio will see yon now~
Eamon waS shaking:, I pm my arm around hm' as we stood up, And that's when the roorn St'emcd to blur at the edges, That's when Illy legs suddenly felt as if thtre WaS no strength in them, and as my vision slipped and smeared, my legs v,ent to nothing and I s>w the deep, lush Harley Street cnpet rush ing towa rd my face. Wllen I awoke I WaS on Dr. Bags;o's couch and Eamon was sitting by my side. Ins face creased with concern. Dr. Bagsio had wrapped something around my arm. I realized she waS taking my blood pressure, "Did your father suffer from hypertension?~ My dad's face swam before my eye •. "What?" "Your blood pressure is 195 over 100." "Fuek me, Harry: said Eamon, "You're the sick oue, tt01 nte. ~ Do you unde rstand what that mcans?~ asked Dr. Bagsio. "It', very serious. The first tl\ llnber is the systolic pressurethe pressure iu til<' am'rics whe n your blood is pumpiug--<md tht "-,,wnd number is tht diastolic pressure- wheu the heart is Testing, f'lIing with blood before it, next contraction. Yonr blood pressure is danb'CTOusly high. You could have a stroke. Did your f,ther haw lngh blood pressure, Mr, Silva?" I shook my head, trying to eke it all in,
,I I""
a""
don't know,~ 1 ",id. lungcanccr," ~I
~He
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didn't even tell us when he had
don'l know why I sUTled driving by Gilll'S phcc_ I knew there was nobody home. The new people weren't moving in for a wlnlc, and eVt-U the dreamy au pair had bnggerrd off hack to Bavaria, But 1 found ii- I dou't know-soothing. Even though it was no\ my house, and i\ was no longer Pat' s home, and I had no warm memories o( the place_ Dri" vmg past my son', old place, tltinking o(how ol1ly last w,'ek his things wer,- waiting (or him up 111 hies room - his clothes in Ihe wardrobe, some oflhem tOO small (or him now, his lxxi, his Phantm" Mwa« comforter, the pillow th~t he Slcpl on solllchuw made me fct'l a little less londy. So J circled th,' housc li h ' an old luver, filled with longing, worn down by lime. And Ihal's when I saw !'at's bike. It had oc'en left ill their from garden. He was always doing that---parking I", bike on the little (ront lawn aftn returning from the park antlthcn just fO'l,'Ctting it, or trusting thai the entire world WaS as innocent as him , The only reason nobody had nicked it already was becanse it was almost completely hidden behind a scrubby little bush, I parked my car, elimbed over til<' lokeu garden wall and picked up the bike. I would tlke care of it umil my son came home Or maybe they would want me to ",nd it ove r, ~ I s she in?~ j
1 looked up. He waS a '-"ry tlnn young man with dyed yellow hair. Asian. Onc of those fAshionable youngJapanesc mcn thaI you somelltl1es "'w in Ihe artier parIS of London, haunt" ing galleries and specialist record shops_ This one looked .s though he had been crying. I st:lred at him over the small garden wall.
are you lalking about? Do you mean Gina?~ He looked up al the houS{'. ·K.:Izlmli.~ Th" name nng no bells. MWroug house. lUale. Try nexI ~Who
d()() r . ~
"No. This i, Ihe place she's staying.~ His Engli.h """ good. "l'rn ,un- of il. ~ l'le scanned Ihe StrITI. shaking his head. " I know Ihis is Ihe place. There she is!~ A yonng Asian woman WaS slowly coming down the streel on a bicycle. She had Ihal glossy. swinging Japanese hair. bUI il sc<'mroJnsl a shade lighler Ihan normal. She stopped 111 fWIlI ofGi na's house and pushed dw hair out of her eyes, I Saw hcr face. Pale. serious. slightly older th an J had first thought. Not a girl. bnl a woman. May!>e around the s.ame age as me. And ,he WlI.S the most allractiv,' woman I had ,ccn for a long time. SinC('- wdl, ,ince I fi rsl saw my wif,' , She looked allhe young man. Not pleased 10 see him. The hair swung back in fronl of he r lovely face. She lefl il there. a veil between he r and the world. "Kazu-chan," he said. and I suddenly thonght- IS thi, he r? Is this Kazumi? Gina', fric1Id fwm Japan? The ,,-oman who looked atl'at through her camera and really saw him? Is ,he the nne' I-Ie spoke to her in soft, urgent Japanese, his head ,lightly bowed, the dyed blond hair masking his gric( She shook her head, tdling him no, wheding her bike lip the garden path The young man salon my ex_wife's garden "",11 and began to sob, burying his face in his hands. She shook hl"r head again. thi s lime wilh a kind of exasperaled disbelie( and stmggled with a big SCt of keys to opcn the front door. She WaS having trouble fmding Ihe right two. Then she fmally opcned il up and Ihe bu rglar alarm began to sound its warm"g.
,llan a"d II ' iJf
~
In
J ust h<;fi>re she c1os<:d the front door, she glanced at me for the firs! timtc-stamhng;1I the middle of th<·1ittk laWlI, holding 111)' son's abandoned bike, watching hcr tap m the codc to the alArm. I callght the expTe~sion on beT f~ce. S.:IW how she w;ts look_ mgatme. As if I wliS Just another lovtsick mWIllall. And thcn she stopped. Sh-c pushed back dlat torrent of swingi ll g hlack hair and spoke to me. "I larry?" she said, "GllIa-S.:In's llarry? Were you OnCe upon a time Gina-san·s llarry?"Once upon a time is right.~ I said. -That's me: I was surprised how litde accent hcr English h~d. Just a soft burr that sounded llmost Scottish, "Gma-""" not here any InO TC." Gina-S.:In. Honorable. respecK"
very ,,"ne," she ",id. Funny too. Ie-'ed th<.'1I1. I m<.'.n it. Incrcdibk. You really caught
~T he
~I
him: ~No.
no. Just uktn quickly in the gJrdcn . ~ JJPJtK~e mod<'Sty. despile Ihe Sconish aceent and gvod English. She nodd~-d shortly, cmphatic.lly. a link b...·Stur<· dm s<."r!11~-d so Japanese 10 me. -I'k's a ocautiful boy. - she s:lid. aud I krK"w sh<.' wasH'1 ociug polite. She meant it. You could S<."e it in those photographs. This str.ngcr thought my son WOlS bc.miful. ~l3ut you muSt know that Gina-san is II! America wuh her- wilh Richard. And wilh Pat-kun.Pat-kull. The .ffcrtionatc honorific touched my heart. Dear. swcrl, little i>;,t, she was saying. My first wife Iud taught me mort· Ihan I r<·ali,,·d. ~l forb'Ot,- I said. -Sometimes I fo","'1 things: Th.t was a lie, of oourse. Hut everYlhing cis.: was true. all that stuff aoout the brilliance of her photographs. And it was also true Ihat she had a way of making me forg<:1 things. Like the fact Ih.t I was marned. Kawmi look me in and g;we me lea. She didn 't have to do any of that, but she said she felt like sht knew me already. K.. umi had been Gina's best friend in Jap.n. They had shared a tiny flat in Tokyo for. year. Gina was planning 10 come back to Japan. to mall' ti te me-'e permanent. And then she met HIt. Kazurui knew all about that. If she also kllew aoout the re'<;ons we didn't live happily ever after, and she must have, she WOlS far too poli te to rncutiou it. -Her boys: Kazurni said. ~Tha1's what she always calk-d you and I'al. \'kr boys: N ot anymore, I thought. Unt I felt a rush of gratiwde th,t we cou ld sit in Hichard and Gina's hous<:, sipping grecn tca, and Kazumi could say Out loud dr ,t Once "pon a mne I h,d matt{"r{"d to her friend.
,II""
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And .he told me her .tory. Not.11 ofil. But enough for me 10 know thai .h... had been an interior desigtlCT in J1pan who had always dreamed ofbcing 3 photographer. W... st<.'rrI photogr.tphyobsc~~d he r. Wcocr, NeWlon, Cartier- Bresson, A,'edoll, Bailey For as long a. she could remembe r. Ihat WlS what she wanted todu wilh hn life. to look at the world alld recurd what she saw. And thell something happelled ill Tokyo---she didn'l say what, but I gucssed it had something to do with a tllln_ ro she caught a plane to Heathrow, left the old life behind. It turm·d Out that the Seotlish aCCent Came from thrIT years 1I Univasity in Edinburgh whe" she was in her laIC teens alld early twenties. nOI long after sharing noodles, an apartment and a life in Tokyo with Gim for a year. -Always wanted to study in Edinbnrgh.- Kazullli said. -Evt'r sinn' I was linle children size.- The pcrft·C{ English had on ly tiny liltle fault lines in the bngtlaf,":, making it sound impossibly charming. ·Very beautiful. Very ancienl.~ Her Slay there must have overlapped with the early years of my marriage to Gina, and I expressed surprise that we hadn 't mct back then. "Gina-san was very busy in those days. Very busy with her "'''' boys.But I knew it w>s more dun thll. In the early pan of our relalion-hip. Gin1 aud I thoughl that we werc completely sd fsllfficiem. We honestly bdkved Ih31 we didn't nttd anyone d". N ot even onr oldest and dearest friends. We let C\'eryone drift away It WlS only when everything fell ap . rt that We saw how wrong we had bet'1t. -Who W:lS Ih31 mall. Kazu l\l i' T ht man ill the garden? The one who was crying?I knew I WaS pushing it. But I WaS curious ahoutthis beautifnl, sc lf-contamcd wOm an w ho cou ld msplTc nervuuS breakdowns un her gard{'\] path.
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"Ah. Crying man? That was my hushand. r Then she was on her feet. She had told me enough. Too much, perhaps. "You want to see more photo of Pat? Just had contact sheet develop." We went up to Gina's old study. The house was almost empty now. The o nly things that were here belonged to KaZllmi. She sp read a sheath of 8 x lOs out on the fl oor. She was technical ly brilliant. Composi tio n, clarity, her choices all seemed sublime to my layman's eyes. The monochrome images of my son goofing around in the garden perfectly captured th e fleeting moments of his child hood. And although the photos were all black-a nd-white, they were infused with real warmth . I fclt agai n that she liked my SOil. "Why did yOll leave Tokyo?" Strangely, I want to know mo re. I want to know why she is so far from home, a story that I suspcct has nothing much to do with Henri Cartier- Bresson o r Robert Capa. " I was like Gina." "H ow's that?" "SIwfll. " I had picked up scraps of Japanese over the years. But not enough . I w as guessi ng now. "A ... mother?" "No, no. That's Qka-satl. SllIifil means literally- Mrs. Inte. " nor. "M rs. Interior?" " Housewife, they say England. Homemaker, they say America. In Japan-slllIfil. BlIt Gina wanted to be Sillifli. No?" "Yes, I gucss. For a while ." Unti l she decided she wanted her life back.
,llan a"d II' iJf ~My
husoond
w~nts
mc to he
~
1>1
'/"'fi"
j
don'l want it so
much!" She scmlcd to find II highly amusing. But I didu'l know if it WJS Ihe wry idel of her bei ng a housewife tlut licklC"cl her fllnny oolle, or ifil w~s Ihe job desniption o f Mrs. IllIeri or. Or ~rh,ps sh~ was juSt coveri"g hu embarrassment. "A"d it did,,'t work OUl?" Obviollsly it didn', 'vorl: Otl' . Harry. you bloody idio'. Otherwise she wouldn', be here with her h"sband crying in ha front fl:ITden and other sTr.lIS" mCn knockillg On hn door alld lylllg through their tceth. I~tll she had 'old me enough for olle day. ~MarriOO." she s:oid, and I d id n't imlllediately realize tlUI she was talking .bout me now. She waS looking at the thick gold nng wrapped around the third finger of my left hand. "Married again. Married now. "10 some other lady. Not G inl_;;.:.n" " I looked at my weddmg ring, as If noticlI1g il for the first tim(·. ,,,,fit h3d heen planted Ih(·re. I hadn't contemplaled rcntoving it before I Cante to R"<: KawlI1i. It hadn't eVen occurred to me. Beau"", I could,,', g<'t It of)" thc'>C days. Somcthmg had happened to Ihal T"'g. It got SIlIck. " Didn't work out." Kazutn i said to hcrself. as if this was a neW phr.s,: that she ","Ould q uit(· hke to tat<· for. tcst drive. "It j llst didn't work 0111." GlIla ""nt m~ J photograph. And I s.1w that my SOn had a II~ smik. II was fl:IPPY and gummy lnd pulled at my h~... rt . Two leeth wen: sone On the top. right in the middle, The missing teeth fl:Ivc hun a ludicrollsly jaunty a,,- he looked like a
drunken ,~ilor retllrllln!; from ,hon: Inv", or a Tlffi,h prize liglu.-r uut 011 the tOW". 1n the picture II<' was all drt: ssc.-d lip, killed OUI for the calllefl, head to 101: in offici.'al New York Yankees m.-rchandisr, Ba>eooll op. ~we.tS and willt Illy 11111111 would c.ll . n anOTl!::. All dark bluc. all carrying Ihal wlll~ Yankees logo. Under Ih" allorak., h~ wa,; w~arillg a stripy bille-and-whilt Yallkc~s shirt that was a few si~es 100 big, H e looked like a liulc Alllerican. 1 phoned hilll illlllledialdy, 1101 rcad"'g th~ Iener from Gin a, nOl caTlng what clse was", the {'lIvdop<'. Gina picked up hut WCIIIIO get him imnl(:dialcly. ~What happ<'lIc-d to you r teelh'" I asked him. ~They failed out" He souoded surprisingly Ca 1m. "Did i1 hun:" ~No "
-You'll get new one', Pat. You'll g<.'t grown_up w.:th to replace the ones you'vc I"'t" "Meat teeth for Illy milk teeth. I kn",,' i1. Mummy tuld me." T hose two front Iceth had been wubbling for ab'Cs. For some rcawn I had assumed that 1 would he arOllnd when they fdl out. Now they wcn: b'One, and they reminded me of all I was IIIISSII 'g. 1 realized theT<' was a matchbox ill the <'IIVelOpe. II s.:Iid, u. FOI{N"'Jo-132A MUUIl;R1lY STR,H/-T-BI:TWHI'N HbST'ft ... ND G'tA.ND
"You I,avillg a good rillle ill Amain?" "N.w York is very big. lli~r thall Lolldoll, evell. Alld the taxi s, riglll' They're yellow, and not black 1I all. HlIt where we live, Ihey gOI fields . It's 110t the city, where "'e live.~ "You 1,'0 to this r{'Staurant with Mummy and n ic.h ..d? You lik~ II Forllaio, darling?"
,llan a"d II' iJf
~
I>_~
!,'()I pizza. Did you I<>ok insidc?~ l "sid~ thc IImchbo.,< ,,~rt twO ja!:l,"t"d pcarls. My son's mis,ing fwnt krth. ~Arc Ihese for me? Cln I keep Ihem'" ~ B lII yon can sell 'em 10 Ihe Toolh hiry_~ ~M.ybt 1"11 JUSt keep Ih~m for mysd( M~ybe I'IlJusl ketp Ihlll. Ilow d<xs thai sou"d?~ ~T h'l sonnds oby. ~ ~YOII okay. d>rling'" ~T hey
" r m wry
husy, ~
" I be, you arc," "Still unpacking.· ~Is
there much !c(IIO unpack'· ~ I do,,", know. I'm only scv~'n,~ ~Th.t·s righl. I forgol. Well. no mOrCof our Sundays fo, a while." ~ I know, Conncc ky--("onn acky- ' ~Co nneClicul. ·
~Y,'S. COllll<'cticUl " 10"
fn for }X)(} 10 come, On a Sun-
day,"Bill we can ~lk.1l the lime Oil the phone. And I'll come om to <;e<: you. And yOIl can come back hcre .nd Slay wi th Ill e dmmg Ihe holidays , Soon. Very 500"," " BlIt where will I Stay?" "r ll find you soll,<..... hcrc good. In Illy hous<'." ~\Vhal aOOll' Illy sm(1' \Vhere will all my slIIfT go'" ~We'lI make snre there's room for yon' Slllff. Plenty o( TOOm."
"T hat's :JI righl ,hell. ~ ~Amer;ot's going to be gre~!. You'1I1ow it_ Where yun're livi ng, there's loIS o( sp"cc." "I can have ~ dog, M ummy said, Wc're !,'Oing to !,'CI a dog as SOOn as ,he ""packing is done .nd we'r~ nOI quile so busy.-
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"A dog? That's great. What are you going to call him ?" "I don' t know yet. Because he might be a girl dog. So it's differem. " "And Pat?" "W hat? " " Don' t fo rget me, okay? Don't forget your old dad who loves you so much. " " I could never fo rget you." Then Gina was on the line, wamin g to talk. I didn' t want to as k her how it was go ing. ru long as Pat was all right, I didn 't want to know. 1 didn 't care. But she wa nted to tell me all abo ut it. "We're staying w ith Richard's fami ly in Con necticut. H e's been catching the train into M anh attan every day, looking fo r a job in thc city." "Wait a minutc. 1 thought he had ajob to go to. I thought it was all arranged." "H e did. But he qu it. " " H e quit already? Yo u've only just got there. H ow could he have quit already?" "It was n't what he expected. H e thought he could walk into something better, but the econo my's rough all over. N o t many jo bs around for someone like Richard. And accomm odation is a nightmare. Do you want to commute fo r three hours every day? O r w alk to work and live in a shoe bo x? That's the choice. " "$0 it's n ot what you expected? " "Ove r qualified. That's what they' re call ing Richard. How can somebody oc over qualified? How can yo u be too smart for ajob?" "Beats mc. I gucss that's the pri ce of gen ius. But Pat's okay?" " I think he loves it, Harry. Richard's family makes a hig
,llan and II' iJf fus. ovcr hUll.
Tn:~ts
="
~
1>5
hUll-I don't know. Like one of the,r
Decl"nt Oflhcru, I d, ouSht. BUll said I1mhiug, ~ n ichmrs SiSler Ius 1.'01 ~ lillk boy a yor younger dun 1" 1. They hit it ofT. Spent a lot of time tOb>cther. T hey're om in ConnotCticut too . All of hi s family." "But iI's not what you expected?" "T here's no promised land. is there' I aon Sf;lrting to realilC that now" ·So when are you comiu!; h ome?" She sighed. ~Th is is homc IIOW, I larry. Richard's octn ofrer~xI ~nother job at Uridle_Worthington.~ "What's that' I don't know what you're ,alking about" "T hey'n: brokers, Harry. llridk-Worthmgton ~re brokers On Wall Stree,." " I ,hought he WaS over qualjfied." " It's not exactly what he was looking for. A 1m less money. But they've off<'Ted lt iehard a Joh. A. I say, not 'he salary he would haw hked, hut for now- " "] ,houghl yo u either C01ll1l1U1L-cl for hours or lived 111 a shoc box. J thought thaI's what ~ou said.~Nowhere's perfect. B", Connecticut i, ocamifliL An hOUT on the 'um New v.:,rk, maybe a linle mOTe. We're looking at schools ill I brtford alld Nt:w I lavell. Th.,)· art a million times octt.::r than what h~ would be in if we were st ill in london London is fonisheTry It's aoou, gcllj"g a belter life For our family." -\Vbat about me? " ' You'w !,'Ot )'our Own family.~ ·Not si"C(' you stoic my SOIl.-
'0
She was slkln for a moment. I could heu her '\Cething, across all thos" thousands uf rniks. "Whlt a rehcf to b<' aWly frorn you, I larry. 110 .... b'Teat It will be 10 hJVC yot! Ollt of my life Tim 's wh~1 I" tn looking forward to Illusl of ,11. Making yOll a stranger." T ht" sh~ waS guil e. And ill OllC ha",\ 1 had tht dtad phonc. and HI the othtr. those two priceless lillie pearls.
12
THERE WAS SOME O LD MAN s;l1inginmyfathcr's
chair. It made Ille fcd like I had come to the wrong place. None of u. ever sat in my d.d', chair-not my I1mlll, not Pal, not me. The old armch air by the fireplace was not the best seat in
til{' house- it faced the TV at all awkward angie, and its soft cushions were sunk wilh the ages-but i( was always my dad's chair. a subnrban throne in his pebbled_wall palace. and al_ though he had been dead for m'o years now, it was still my
dad" chair. So who was this old man? "I rowdy. pudncr: he said to m<.'. I-Iowdy pardnN' What WlS he going on .hom' Th." uld mal! waS practically the exact physical opposite of my father. Where my dad was glcamiug, chrome-smooth bald, this gcC~CT had a luxuriant head of silvery hair, elaborately brushed back. Where my father was stocky. Ihicksclllld muscular, this char>ctcr w:lS as wasp-waiswd as all clderly gigolo. And at hume my uld man always wOre h is Marks /'( Spencer
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mufti-----carpet sli ppers, baggy gardening trouse rs and ca rdigans in any color, as lo ng as it was fo rgettable. A real suburban dad , despite the horrific war wounds th at I knew we re hidden under his se nsible sweaters. Thi s impos tor w as d ressed like a cow boy. A frin ged shirt. Pointy-toed, stack-h eeled boots. Tight, skinn y Levi's w ith a big-buckled belt. Yo u cou ld almost see the bulge o f his agi ng meat and two veg. Glenn Ca mpbe ll 's granddad. " H owdy, pardner," he repeated, slow ly getting up O lit of m y D ad's chair. T.iking his time abo ut it. "Tex is th e nam e. You must be H arry. Mighty pleased to meet you, stranger. Elizabeth has told me all abo ut you. " N anci G riffith w as sin ging, " Lone Star State o f Mind." My mum came into the li ving room carrying a tray of tea and biscui ts, humming to herselt-: "I see you 've met Graham , dear," she said. "Graham? I thought- " "Tex is m y line-dancing name," he said, with out a tracc of sham e. "Graham- I don 't kn ow. It just doesn't sound right w hen you' re doing the Walkin' Wazi, docs it ? ~ "O o h, you should sec G rah:l.1n-I mean Tex---d oing the Walkin ' Wazi," my mum chuckl ed, passing around the ginge r nuts. "H e really kicks his o ld legs in the air. " A line-dancing fri end. So th at was it. Perfectly innocent. No th ing suspicious. Two sprightly seniors having a bit of a boogie in the autumn o f their years. Completely natural. But 1 couldn't help it. 1 was still stu nned by the presence of Tex. M y moth er-who had six broth ers, w ho had no daughters o r sisters, who had spent her entire life su rrounded by Ill cnhad always been strictly femini st in her fr iendships. Every fr iend she eve r had was a woman . Apart from m y dad. H e w as hcr best fri end of alL
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your mothe r when we we re doing the Four Sur B<X>b~e,- he said, as if reading my mind, "Gave her a few tips, Her and-Elsie?" ~ E!hd,~ my mum slid. "The Four Sur Boogie'- She lUlled al th e memory. "ThaI's .uch a tough one. All that Ill"'ing: "Pivoting: Ttx gently currected ht·f. "The r'Unr Star B0ogie is a four-WoII1 hne dance: he informed me, as if I gave a toss. "As opposed towmelhing like the Wild. Wild West, which of wurse as you proh>hly know is only a two_wall line dance." '"You from arouud these pans, Tcx?" "Somht-nd. Straight down the AI27, take' a right >t the old Fortune of War pu b," "Graham was an insuran ce salesman: my mum said. - Retired now, of cour",'," Tcx poured tht, tt". "One In mp or (V,o?" ht· askexl mt. - ['m swett enough al ready." My mum snffawl-d al th is as though it was Noel Coward at hi. pithy best. When she wem to the kitchen for the milk chocolatc digestive., I excused m ~ lfto Tex and followed her. "Ilhought you we1lliinc danci ng with Aumic Ethel?" "Ethel's dropped OUI. It's her arthritis. I larry. All that slomping gives her grief Poor old thillg." ~What's John Wayne doing in our front room' What's he doing in Dad's chair?" " j !c's all right , old Graham. D on 't worry abom him. I Ie's harmless. /-Ie gives me a lift home in hi. station wagon. H e's a hit full of him self. I grant you , All the old girls have got a soft spot fOf him: "What abom you?" "Me'" My mum bughl-d with genuine amusement. -Don't worry, I-larry, I'm past all that. When I ask a man in for tt a and biscnits. tim's exactly what I mtan. All he's be in g offend is a custard crc.m.~Met
~ Does
Tex kn ow that?~ I thought of the ohscene risc in the old b'Cnt'S Lc.-vi 's, Although my mum was in her si~ties, I could see how she could c~tch the eye of some randy old git, She WJ.s still a lovely looking WOlllali . "I-I e's not going to start reaching for hi. six_gu", i. he'" I said it with 3 grin, to pretend tll>! I al ready knew the answer. But my mllm wasn't smiling now "I had a husband," she said. "That'l l do me for one life_ IIIlle." "Your mother needs to express her sexuality," 'Ily wi fe said. "She's still a woman: "She's a linle old lady! She should be cxpressi ng-I don't know-ha kmllin g: We were getting undressed for bed. Something we had done perhaps one thousand ti,nes before. It still exciKxI me \0 sec my wife taking otT her clothes. The long limbs, casually reveali ng themselv~os. 1 don't tlnnk she fdt quite the same WJ.y abom watching me pm on my stripy pajamas. "I thin k it's greal she's b'Ot a male friend, Harry. You kn ow how much she mi sses your father. YOll dOll't WJ.nt her to sleep wi th the ligh t 011 for th e rest of her life, do you?" ~Shc waS with myoid man forevcr. She's bound to miss him. And it's right she misS<"s him: ~Am I SUI'I}()':K"
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"You just seem a bit too friendly with that guy." ~Lu ke?"
"Is that his name:" ~Je>\ts Christ, l'iJrry- ['m not itllen:sted in Luke. Not thai way' ~You
s>id hI' wantS--" " I dou't care wh.t he wams, Wanting is not the S>me .s b>etling. He's s'mrt enough to see what 1'", doing with Ihe compa ny. I-Ie knows I can help his business. I think he cau help my business, I ad,,,,re him, ukay?" "You admire. s:md wich ",,,rchanl?" "He's a brilliant businessman. He's worked hard for ewry" thing hc's 1;\'1. I know hc's a bit flash. I know you didn't like what he said about Eamon. I didn't like it I'llher, okay? Bll! this is slrlctly businl'ss. Do you houestly believe I wou ld dnnk about him in tim way? I don', go around shagging anything thaI moves, Harry. I'm not a man. I'", not you.~ "$0 how docs it work? Yon and old Luke? [,mjust curious about your relationshIp." "J lis company bas mOre work than it can handle. If SOme" thing comes up and they're fu ll y stretched, he calls me." " No---I meau how does it work with you and him? au that other lcvd Docs he know you're not interested in him thaI w'y' Is he cool about that? Or is slill hoping co ,,;<:1 his hauds on your canape's? Don'l 11..11 me, because I know the an" swer. I knew I should have ,bm up hy now But I couldn't 'top myself. I "";IS afraid that I waS losing her. WI,ich waS kind of ironic, as I was the one who went knocking 011 Giu.'s door when I knew shc wasn't home. "Shall I tell you whlt makes me sad . Harry' You think hc's only imerestt'd in me for Ont- thing. Maybe-JUst maybe--he's imcrt'slro in me for two or three reaSOnS. Did that ever
(n)';s your mOld? Why do you find it so hard to hclievc that SO,neOn<' could like llIe for what I can do? NOI for whal 1 look like? Why is that so hard?" IkollS/: [ 1111 still erny aOOllt yOll, I thoughL U!.'ClllS/: I (an't imagine any man looking at yOIl and nOt feeling exactly what I ft'tl. lim 1 said nothing, "I don't twn want to tal k 10 you," Sh~ tuTTled On ha side, angrily killing the light. I turnc.xI on Illy side. rClChed for the light. Wc lay in the darkness for a wh,lc alld whtu she spoke thtre were 110 tears ill hn ,-oice. no align. J USt 3 kind ofht'Wilderlllent. " I larry?" "\Vhat?" "\Vhy do you fi nd it so hard to bell,""" that you 're loved?" She had mc then:. knocked on K:.zumi's door, I couldn't beheve that 1 w ..~ doing thi s thmg, Bm I did it J Ust the S,"1<'. Shc looh'd surpriscd to SCC IIIe. - I'lury? I'm just leaving. I have a photography cbs" In Soho" "Soho? That's perfect. I call g'vc you a lifi into town. It's not Ollt of TIIy way or allylhing." Shc lIoo~ wriuen On the frolll ",d she had a couple of caTlleras with her. But she didn't look anything like a tO ll rist. \Vbcn we wcrc crawling thrOllgh the rush hOllr tratTI( , r asked her how she "ked Londoll, what t("chniques she waS studying right IIOW, if she missed J apan, I talkt'd {oo m uch,
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hlbbling mindlessly. my Chl>eks burning. (on excited til sec her. Eventually slle mall3b..... d to b..... t 3 word in. -Harry: she s3id. NOI Harry.SJ.IJ? NOI hOltllr.thle. respe'Cted Harry? I admill was, little disappointed. vYOU'fl' m.rricd. I·h rry. With. beautiful wife. A wife you love vny much." It waS ,11 true. SIll" sUT,·d Ont at the panlY;:l-d. angry traffic. shaking her lovely head. 'Or am J missiug something'" N o.1 thought. It's mc. It's mt whu's missing somcthing. And suddenly. in one blinding flash of insight. I knew ex" actly what it was. The smell of CaJun conking. Cyd was in the kitchen expcri'lleming with rl-d beans. rice and what was probably a catfish when I dumped the pile of glossy brochures Oil her chopping board. ~What"s that?" I picked One up al random. showed hn the palm trees. blue seas and wh ite sand. like a street Irader showing off his wares. "Barbados. darling." J began flicking through the brochures. "Antigua, St. Luc ia, The Cayman Islands," "Are you crazy? We caU't b'O to the Cuibbcall. Not now." "TI,rn what abom tile Mald ives' The Ikd Sea? Koh Samui'- r m lint going (0 Thailand. Harry. I have to work." I took her h.nds in minc. "Run away with tne." -Don't tuuch me. J smell all fishy." "] don', care. You're the love o(my life. I Wan'IO take you to some tropical pandi...,· "What .bout Pq;gy?" " Pcg COmCS too. The Indian Oct.n. Florida. Anrwhnc in
{he "'''rid. Fur a couple of weeks. For ~ week. She can snorkel. Gct a tan. Ride the banana boat<. She·llloV<" it: "I can·t bkc her Out of school. • "Gim took Pat om of school" " 1"111 nOt Gina. And we can· t g<J away for two weeks." T htre .....Ne ot her brochures. Skinny ont-s, with g1il1t"Ting urhall lalldscapcs On the covcr instt-w of .un-dTtnchcd OCaches. "T hen what abom a Illinibreak' Jnst for a few d.ys' I'rague. Wnicc. Or l'aris--l'atloV<"d I'aris." - 1"111 !"<.'ally busy ltthe moment. I larry. Work's Teally 13king otT. Sally and I Can hardly hand le it. We're thinking of taking SOlllcune else on." ~ Ihrcd"na? Madrid? Stock]",lrn?" ·Sorry." I sighed. "1)0 yon want to see 3 movie' Mayoc we cou ld get something to eat in Chinatown. Sally can baby sit." "Whcn did you have in rnllld? Sundays arc good for mc." So my wife and I took out OUT dianes. and surrounded by her experimental Cajun cooking. We trk-d to find a wiudow for TOll13ncc.
Part Two YOUR HEART [S A SMALL MIRACLE
Copyrighted material
13
My
WIFE.
r could always spot her across a crowded room. Something lbout the curve of her face, the tilt of her head. the way she pushed her hair out of her eyes. Jlist. glimpse ,vas . 11 it l!X1k. I couldn't mistake my wife for an yone else. Even when [wasn't c~pecling to
It was
J
socc her. party at the StatiOIl to launch dte IlCW season of
programs. Wille and canapes. gossip and flattery, a speech
from Ilarry Twist aoom forthcom in g Junctions. All <-'vcning
of compulsory fun. There was a lot of that in my ~mc. Alld even though Eamon was officially resting and Ihac was no Fish 0" Friday on the spring 'Chedulc, J thought I ~ho\lld be there. Marty Manu's advice had been nagging at Ille more
than 1 rand 10 admit. Maybe I shuuld lx, searching around for ,ww t.km. looking 10 div<.'Tsify. Mayoc o nly" fool pillnNl all
of his hopes on just one person_ But r'ght now I cou ld,,'t think about any of that Ix..,ausc my wife was he re_ I pushed my way through the crowd. Cyd lookcd surprised to sec mC. "' -larry. 'WI,,! UC YO" doing herr?"
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"Working." If you could call it working, these few hour' of small talk "lid Chardollllay. Myoid IIlall would have cOllsiJcr<·J it a big night out. For IIle it \Va, another day toihng at the C().1I(acr. "How Joom YOll'- Allhollgh of conTSe I had gnessed by now "Workiug toO." For the first time I noticed she WliS holding a silver ITa}' by h.. r side. empty apart from II fcw crumbs offish cako;:s or satay. 'Sally's baby-sitting {or me I me.n-us. I got a call this a{ternoon luke and his people usually cater this do , bUi they'rc suowed under tight nOw. Ifs a goodjob for m~ to gCl." LI'/If. Wauker. We smiled 1I each other. I WaS so glad to see her. I was {eeling puty- Ioncsome until hn face w>s suddenly thn... Cyd had been to a few of these evenings with me, although nOt rCcently. This \V2S1l 't her thing at all - loo much "moke, too much alcohol and 100 much meaningless chitchat wi th people she would new, sec agam, people who Were always lookin g owr you r shou lde, for someon<' more famous . Too much hlo.' hard work. But , he had becn with tnc in this room before, so it didn 't see m that ,t"utl,'" to s<:e her hcre. Even with a siker tray in he' hands. It()uchcd her urn. "Can I I,"' t you a drink?" She laUgill-d. -GOt to ,,"'Ork:. babe. rll SC"e you later, okay? We can go hOlll e tOb"'thcr. If you can stick lround lImil I"\"c cleared up" She gaw Ille a peck on the chec k and went back to the kitchcn to load up with satay and fish cakes, while I walldered aroulld the party tryillg to avoid pt"opl~ who would walll to talk about Elmon and his nervOtlS e:dllustion. There was l bank of TV S<:tS in the middle of the room. rcpc~ting 1 loop of trailers for the new scason's ~ hows . A lot of Marty Mann shows. Six Pisstd SlIId~,,,, i" a l'Im was comillg back. so was tht
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CCTV progratn, Yo"',,,. &'" Robbed! [ stood there nnrsing my occr, watching the tastcrs for irreverent g;lJne shows, irrcvcrem b[k sho"",,, and irreverent d ram3s, Tired old irreverctKe, I tho ught It\ killing television _ A conple of snited and hooted bnsine", type, appeared by Illy side, tossing P'-3t1utS into their momhs and g;lwling 3tthc scrcens as thongh they had tlcver seen a television before. lim they cou ldn't be from the TV sution or any of the production compa nies that made the shows, lx"1;aU5C they we re far too fonmlly dress.,d. We had a strict dress code al the SI,tiOlIyou had to be fashionably scruffy at all lillles. Maybe they were adveniscTS. invited 10 give them a \.:lSle of cut-price glamour_ Cyd brusbed past tnt' carrying two ,,[Vl"T trays piled higb with sashimi . She' g;l'''- tnt' a wi n k, and bent to place One of the trays on a \.:lble. The men turtled away from the bank of screens. their jaws worki ng furiously on their peJnulS. -Look .t tbe legs 011 d .. t: one oftbem ... id. ~Thcy b'O.n the way up to he r n{'ck ," said the other. "No ass,though: "Flat as a pancake: -Alld no tits." "You don't get tits with legs like dm: -You tteed a tttce ass though: -I'll give you thai: -You 1I~...,d either tits or ass, right, e"en with legs like that. Becan", you lI~d SQmetbillg to hold on to when you s\.:lrt your aSCent: -Gre.t legs,though." "Get those wrapIX"d aroulld your lI
I stared at the pair of them, my face burning. I kept staring, waming them to t10tice me. Th"y didn' t t10tice me. Thcn all the pc~nuts we re gone and. aftcr rining in the salty howls for a bit, they sloped 011: looking for more tasty snacks. I weltt looking for my wif,·. When I caught up with her sl1<" ,'f>'S haud ing om hcr s.:lshimi to 3 bunch of women I vaguely rC"1;ogn'zed . They were helping thcmselv~'S to raw fish while simllltan~"<JlIsly m .. uging to ignore Cyd com pletely. Th,'sc bloody people. Who did they think she was? Nobody? Cyd smiled at me. She had a lovely fan' , She w.s always !,'Oing to have J 10"ely face. no matter how many years went by. But J couldn't smile back at her. "Get your coat. Wc'r,' !cavlllg." "L.·aving? I ca,,'t I,·ave. Nut y<"l, bah..· , What', wTOng? Yon look all-" -I want to go." "But l" ve got to work. You know that." T he women weT<' starting to stare at liS. T hey were hold ing sl ivers of salmon and tIIna in their pud!,')" fingers. I took Cyd's ann and pulled he, aside. ller silver ITay banged into som<'"<Jlle's back. T he sashimi wobbled prccariOllsly. " I mean it, Cyd. I"m going hnm". Right nm\". And I want yon to come with l11e.l'le3sc?" She wasn't smiling any more. -You might be g<.>ing home. I·larry. But l"m working. What happened? Come on. Tell me. Did someone say something about Eamon? Is that why yOIl'«' upset? f"Orget about E~mon. M~rty's right----gct sontethiltg Ill,.,. goiltg for yoursdC" I wanted to tell hcr-don't waslC yonr time here . I know "xacdy what these men arc like. bconse I'm one of the bastards mysclf.Bm sht' wOllldn't haw known what I was talking about. She was all inUlx:t'nce. sht" thought it waS al1aoont raw
,llan a"d II' iJf
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fi,h and chicken on ~ stick md people appreciat ing you for doing a good job. "!'ltase. Cyd. Come with m,'."NQ. Harry" "T hen do whll yon want." I wIll. "
So I kft her at tht patty. kft her fe~ding all thost hard. empty faces and .vent out to look (or, c~b. Iidt her ,here.,11 by herself. ewn th ough J knew she WlS too b'OOd fi)T that place and tOO good for th 05~ people. WI,en I got home l'eSb'Y Iud b..-c" in lx.xI for houTS. Sally WlS on the ,,,(a. idly channel surfmg with one h,nd and soo'hing her b:iby in lis corry-<:ot with the othn. Somhll1g Precious. T h>! was the b:iby·s name. I'",,;ious. Sally asked me how the eveni ng had l:,'One-she meant for Food Glorious Food. not the sbl;on- .md I told her Ih~1 everything was fine. Then I b'ot her, mi",cab. Luke Moore drove my wife home. lly th,·" I was pretending to be lSlccp. lying on my side, br~athing elSily. trying to fake the , ,,ft rhythm s of sleep. 1 )"ten("(1 to my wife quietly undressing in th e dark. heard her clothe<; slippll1g frOIll her long, slilll b<xly, and inside Illy Mark.. & Spencer paplllas, Illy hean ached for her. T hcn w,· lay 111 th" darkn"ss for a lotlg tim,.. tryi1lg hard 1IOt to disturb cad. olhn. Back to back in the marital bed. and never qnite tonching. "Your heaT! is a small mir.tde. Mr. Silver," said Dr. llaggio. "A STHall miracle.My wife is h,ving an ,/Yair, I thought. She·, (ucking this guy. (juSt know it. "T he heaT! is a pump about the size of a fist,- sa id my doctor, ",flating the StTap she had wrapp<:d around my arm. I
could feel ,t tightening agallls( my , kin. "We all haw blood pr,·ssurt. It's simply the pressure CT,·ac.:d by tht COIISt:",t pUlnping of blood around til<' body. In a healthy adult, a normal blood pressure is 120 ovcr 80. YOllrs is ... goodness· 11 happens. You promise to love each othe r forever. Yon rtally mean it. You plan to slt-tp with no Ont dst for tht rtSt of your life. T hen tim .. weaTS .way at )'our lovt. as the tid .. \\"CaTS away ~ rock. And in Ihe end your feelings- her feelinb'S-ore nOI wb~llhey were un~e upon a lime. Olher )Xople are kt in, like light III a darkenC"d rOOm. You can't get them OUi ab'3in. Not OnCe yo" ktthem m. Wh,t Can yo" do OnC(" you have lellhem in' "You can pili yonr shirt back on." my doctor said She didn't wam "c.x any111o ...... Not with me. Not ~v~n with One of my lmgic condom,. ah, wc still had Our Saturday nighl shag, which was someti mes poSlponed 10 Sunday or Monday ir tl'e catcring business was boomms. But 1 felt as if she was Just doing il 10 keep me quiet. That it WOlS eOlSl('r to he back and think of nothlllg than argue about it. Too tired, sh(' always said. Yeah, right. li red of tne. It wasn'tl'ven the sc"x I III isscd most. It was all the Olher sma: It was Ihe hdng loved. "T here arc lots ofthmgs yoo can do to control your blood pr<essurt: Tn)' doc",r said. "Yuu call reduce your IIltake of alcohol. lose ","C"igltt. Increase physical activity. Most import:mt of all. yon can chanb'C yonr wife." C hanb'C Illy wife> T hmgs wcren't that bad. [ wanted my TIlarria~ 10 last forever. 1 wanted to get it right this , im~. Gtt it right once alld forever. "13m 1 Jove my wife" -Not your wife. Your lifo. Don'tlct thmgs get to you. Filld
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time for yourself. Control your anxietie •. You need to change your lif". Mr. Silver. You on ly b>et one ofthem.Life. Not wife. You ohviously gtt more lIun one of those . The heart is a.",llil miracle. "[ hk"d tlte way it made lite feel: Eamon said. "Once upon 3 lime. And I wanl~.,j to havc that feeling again ." We were w;tlking in thc grounds of a priv>lC h0'5pital an hour·, drive ,onth of London . Eamon talked abom cocaine as we kicked our way through the Icaves, "",lking ont into the hospital's grounds. He was only halfway through a TWentyeight-day detox program. bUI he was already looking filler than [ had seen him since he w;tS fresh from the Edinburgh Festival. !-It· ,",:IS meant to be playing football this .fternoonsubstance abusers versus the lI11llic-depressives--hul the match had becn cancek'lhe r girls. And you screw it all up for a fecl_ ing. Not even a f,·ding-the ",emory of a ft·dillg." "COllie Ott. H~rry.1 kttow you·re not ~ drittking m~n. And I know that drugs are nOt your thlllg. But it"s the Slme for YOIl .
" I-low·, that?"
~ I t's
Ih e same for you wilh women." Aud I SaW thJt tI t was right. That's why ! wallled Cyd 10 be: Ihe .....Om311 ! firsl mct. Ih31'S why I had gOll<" 10 KaZUIIU·S door. [WlS hooh-d on a feeling [00. T hc rcmemhrnnce of lh e grealC~1 feeling in Ihe world. It wasn'l Ihe rush of cocaine or Iht fog of ,!cohol. " ,,'as lhe feeling I 1,'0' when I was starting wilh a wOman . l'assion. sex. rOIll.nce. fecling ,Iiw. feel i ng w'lIIcd - il was .n of Ihosc Ihings, wrlpped lip in • fleeling momcnt of limc. I liked Ih ~ way il made me fed. And I couldn'l hdp il. I wallled th,l feeli ng .gaiu. Ewn if it lIle ~ nl trouble g:.IQrc.
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JIM MA SON LOOKED like a rnak modd Just sta rting to go lU secd. The chiseled b'OOd looks were hq;;nn;ug to show signs of a double chin, and under the leath<'1 Jacket lh," beer paunch '",'IS d('vdopmg like a promISing b'Ourd. Bm he stililoohxl c>pablc
of c.nsiug \rouble. Cyd's ex-husband arrived to pick lip his daughter. "Hello. Harry How you doing, mate' PcIlb'Y ready to rock and roll?" It was uHt of thus<, SCeneS chat I had neVer imagined play-
ing. an ("\'('111 ",hac I would love to have kuown the corr<'Cl cliqueuc. This man had broken the heart of the woman 1 loved. But if he hadn'] broken her heart, my wife and 1 would,,'t be IOb'<"thtr. 5l,o"ld I thank him or thump him? Or both? Cyd WaS once crny aboUllllis guy. and behind her back he Iud jumped Oil the bones of every Asian woman who \"0,,1d ict him from I iOUSIOIl 10 1 10"1011. My IruC love h.d dOll<evcrylhing 10 Tl1a~ il work with this Crt~p. She h.d followed !S5
him to London wh<'n it was de .. that AmeTlc~ was ",different to his exist"ll c.. , she had supported him whell 11<' fdl off his motorbike 3ltd maltgkd his stupid kg 3ltd she' <-"en gave him a second Ch~tlCC ~flcr shc had mel me. And of COUI'SC shc had giwn birth to his child, ,nd then Tlised her alone, I shonld have hatedJirn MasulI , But I found that Ijust couldn't quit~ mall al,'lO h3tt, Only th .. dull ache ofjealousy, T he real reason he nude my flesh crawl wasn't b~'ClUse he had treatex! Cyd SO badly. It WaS occause he had ,",on her helt! without "wn try"'g, and shanned it SU casually, 13m I couldn't loathe him, this mall who was my w,f.. 's other husband. I Ie was always so nice 10 me ~Cyd ont w",king? A "')I1U"'S ,,,)rk is newr started, right? Only kiddlllg, matc, only kiddmg, Give her my ocst. My link princess ready?" "Daddy!" Peggy threw aside her Lucy JX,II Hallet Star and charg~x! her dad. J m, SCOOpl-x! her up, plAced a loud kis, on the top of h<'T dark half. She wTlpped hu legs around his w.. ist and her armS around his neck. hugging him with dtea"ie.1 abandon. T hey s~w each Olher so sporadically, this dad and daughter, that th eir rcunions werc always emotional affairs, resemhling a pnsoncr of the Vietcong heing reunitoo with hIS family, !lm 1 waS never quite sure if d1<' eTnotion was forced or lIot. Prolonged s.:par:niolt could sometimes make 3 parent and child act with the self--(onscionsnes. of strangers. I saw them 10 the dour. Their routine WlS al"",ys [he s.ame. A rid .. 0[[ Jm['s ntotorbik to KFC or Pizza Express. At l'q;!,'Y's ag.., I don't know ifil was eVn[ legal. Jim W:ls[[' lth .. kind to care. Once Cyd h~d pcotestoo dllt 1-'cAA'/ ""'s a bit to" yonng f"r lllotorbikes, lnd Jim had storllled om, kl\";ng his d,ught", in hiner tCars. I k didn't see hn for three momhs. Afta ,b." the joy rid~s w .. re nt",'a questioned.
/1
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J Im's VIsits would alw::tys involve the purchase of~ large, inappropriat,:, stupendously lIsd~ss toy. Stufl':d bears that wcrt: big~,'cr than 1~!;b'Y has-df ,,~·re ~Iways a favorite. When Peggy had gone I re~l i ~ed with a jolt of alum that she Iud for!,'Ow.", her child_sized motOrbike helmet. Cyd Iud laid d""·,, strict rult-s for motor bike ridi"s. Always w.. ar a h.. hnet. Hold on tight to daddy. No ridillg in ,he r.in No long journeys. No m01orways. I dashed out to the str~'Ct but the bikc-a huge bnJle of a Norton - was .I ready roaring away. !'ega'Y clinging to her dad's lealha-cbd back, Ihe haIr on her bue head fly"'g. I chased down Ihe middle of the S{feel. shoming Ihtlr names, the kid·s helmet in my hands. Hut they didn ·t hear mc. It was a long siraighl rood and I watched Jin,·s tainights reccd~ ing, cursmg Inm for bemg so thoughlless. And Ihel1at Ihc last moment they turned hack. I stood in Ihe Slrcet as the bike barrded toward me. my he~n filling my chest with tim boiling feeling Ih.t col!le-s when yon' child has been placed in "'lll <.'CC
almost identic al. I always thought that Peggy resembled Cyd . But I saw now that she wasjuSt as much)irn's (·hi ld . ·Come on. What did Murmuy say, I'q;l,'Y? What did MUlIlmy Idl you again and agJin? Whal lIlust you always re· member?" "Hold on tight 10 Daddy: my stepdaughter !.:lid. lfs SO difficult for the stepparent to strike a balance betv>'~"en caring too ",uch and caring too linle. The horror stCf'parcms--thc OIlCS who (lid "I' !II court, Or ill ntwspapt"rs, or ill jail---<:loll't think about it. Thcy do,,'t Carc. The child of their plMner is a pain. a chore and a living reminde r of a dead relationship. But what about the rest of us? The ones who are d<."Sper.tte to do the right thing? Then", nothing ,pecial about us . W(' aT<' nut bencr hmll an beings because we have taken on the parenting of a kid who is not our biological child. You get into these things without thin king about them, or if you think about it at .11. you imaginc that it will work icsclf out somehow. Lo,'c and the bknded ramily will find a way. That's what you think. B111 the blended family has all the problems of the 01.1 family, and problems that arc all its own. You can't givc yonr stepchild nothing but kind ness .nd approval. because no p.. ell! can eveT do th3t. And }'l't yon do not have the rights to '<'proadt a stqxhild the way a real parent docs. I had nc"er raised a hand to Pat. But I cou ldn't even r.tise my voice to Peggy. Stepparents-the OI1('S who arc trying their bcst~""'1It to Ix- liked. l'nents--real puents--
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And mcr~~,ingly, I Ix-liev<.'d th~1 there w::I.S nothmg you could do tu cu" it, I was eid,,"r tOO soft--despcrate to Ix- liked, stan'iug for a few S<:rlpS of I'cggy's ~ppro\':ll~r [ tried 10 plSS myself otT as the real thing. I':t>sing, dllt '\':IS the s.epparent's m.jOTHime, Prettnd"'g to bt some.hi"g I ,vaSII't, .lId could never bt, I kn.-w. in my ca lmer mOtn.-nlS, tt, at " was nOt .-asy for Hichard. J knew .hat the things he wallled for my son- mll:;<:nms, Harry Potte r, tofu, even the new life in ano.her conn"y- wen; nOt meam as pllnish m~nts. I didn't hate Hichard occause of,hose ,h",gs, I ha.ed hlln because he had taken my son away (rom m c. Who did he think he was? lie wasn't 1",>1'S fllher. T he st<'pp>r,'nt has a thankless Job. T hc stepparent c~n 't win. You aTe either involwd w ith thIs pint-siztd str:",!;", tOO I11uch or nut enough. Hut there's une thing that the stepparent should always ",memOCr. It is cwn worse (or ,h e child, Grown_ups Can always get" 'K'W hushand or Wl(C. lJut the childr<'n u( divorce can ', get a Ol ew ("her or moth er, no mOT<' ,han they can b"'t a neW heart, 11~"W lungs, tK"W eyes. For ocnn or wurse , (or richer for poorer, you arc lral'pt'd wilh the parcnt~ you arc horn with. Pl'gb'Y w::I.~ lumocred with me, th,s man III he r mother's bed who w:ts neither fislt nur fowl, frknd or fa,lter,just 3 male parent uupcrsunalur, Undc Dad. A lIight that was JUSt like the old days. Tlt3t was tht ide •. T htrt ""'" a new print of Am,;e /lot/I shuwi ng at tht Curzon Mayfair. Then we were !\OIIlS (or Peking Duck in Chinatown. And tlllyoc we would end the cwning with ~ shot o( espresso in SOme liuk Soho dwe before returning home (or slow, lazy stx and 3 good lIiglIt's slccp.
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Film, du~k. mffee, fu~k . T bm ",.kill!; SPOO"S, alld sbarill!; tbe Sa",,- pillow for a !,;ood '-Igbt l,ours, T he pcrfC'Ct date 0", little night on the town wasn't e"",,etly hanging om >! the Mtt Ilar wnh the Gallaghers, bm [ knew that n wou ld make Us happ)" 11 had TIIallY tim..,; before. Ilut mayb!: I tried 3 [ittle too hard II) nllke i, [ike the old days. T he movie was g<>od. And "'o late 10 chan!,'!: your order. J can have the d"ck and you can ha\"C the baby~ I was only kidding- wasn't I'- bm he' smile ,-am,hed 111_ .tautly. "01" COme On. Not the baby thing ag:.ill, liar!)'. You IICVeT
shnt up about il. do yo,," "\VIlal arc you tal king abom? It w::t.su', ,he baby 'hing a6""iu, I"m JUSt pulhng your ltg, d ..hug. You usted to have a ste"ste ofhulllor.' "And you used 10 leI me have a lire." "\VIlal docs thaI mean')" "' know you w::t. nI mt to give up the business. It·s true,
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isn't it? Yi,u want me pregnant and in the kilchen, I know you do,I said nothing, ! low could I deny Ihal I would prefer her 10 rmkc dinn~r for her 6mily nther than half of flShiolllbk u:",don' How conld I deny Ih ~1 I wan!Cd a baby, a family and all the old-fashioned dreams? I wamed uS '0 rn, d.e way'''"" were, Hut.t wasn't kcause I wanted to imprison her_ It was because I loved her T he waiter arrived with our Peking Dnek, and plales of small (;ucnmbu, 'pring onion and plum sauc~. I waited unlil h~ had shredded the duck and gone, "I jusl wanl y'>I' happy, Cyd." ~Then leave me alone. Ill rry_ Lei me run my business_ I-<:t rn~ II)' 10 do somclhrng for m)"Sdf for just onC~ m my lif~. SlOp Irying to make me give II all up 10 rn,- I don't e\"tn know what it is YOIl wanl. Doris Day, is it? Mary Tyler Moore? Your mother? Some fifties housewife who doesn'l go Ollt at night." My motha wa, actually om all the time, Domg Ih(' Four Star Boogie and Ihe G('{ In Line and Ihe I Li ke, I Love It and Ihe Walkin' Wdzi. But I k l rt pass. "I don'l mind yOll going Ollt at night. rm happy your bu"iness IS going ';t, well. I just wl$h Ihal Ihere wcre morc nights like Ihis, When you w"re sp'-'"dlllglhe nigh t wilh me." But her blood was up lIow. "You rcall}' walll to be til(' sole bread wimr.,r, dou'l yuu? T he big nun Arc you b'Oi nglO spe nd the rest uf yOnT life try_ ing 10 be your falher'"!'robably, I Call think ofwurse tbmgs to b<, Ihan myoid man ," I pushed my plat~ away. Suddc"ly I didn·1 have much of an appeti!C_ "And arc yon going to spend the rCSI of your life sncking up to CTCCpS'~ "Luke Moor~ is nOt 3 crerp. IIt·s a brilliant businessman."
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"Who said anythmg about Luke bloody Moore' I'm ulk_ jng about all those drunken City boys who think they can b'CCt into your t hong occause you gi"c dl<'111 a bit of chicken on a stic k." A mobile phone began to ring from deep inside her hand_ bag. She fished it Out and innTlediJldy rccoglllzed th~ number calhng. Because it was our nu mix-r. "Sally'- She w:>s baby_sitting (or liS Cyd didn 't like anyone outside of Ollr litde family looking after 1.....'Sl,'Y- "Well, how long has she oceu vomiting?" Oh great, I thouGlu, Now the kid's puki ng all over th .. \xIby sitTcr, " Everything (me'" said the waiter. 'Wonderful, thmks,"1 smiled, "And is u solid or hquid?" Cyd said, ·Okay, okay, Well, can't yOIl b'<:t her to be sick down the toilet? I{ight, right, Loo k, ",-c ' 1]
be hom .. in half an hour, Sally, \VI'at? Welt JUSt change
her papmas and ,tick the dirty ones m the """hmg maehme, We're b",ing to jump m a cab, Sl'e ~'ou,· "Something wrong}" "1'c1;b'Y, Yuu know shc docsn't lik,- it whcn WC' IT both out at the ,,:nue time_ She gets an upset mm",y' She beckoned a "",sing waiu""" "Can we ge { the hill, please?" Then she looked at my stony face, "Ar,' you sulk ill g beeallSt' Pcgb')' is sick?" "We shou ld suy. You should cat yonr lovely dnek_There's nothing wrong with PcIlb'Y-" "She'sJnst bronght up ha Mister Milano p'ZZa, 110w Can yon say there's nothing wrong wnh ha?"T his alw ays happens ." It w:>s 'roe _Every time we had one of 01lT ran: nights om. it was as if Peggy w as stic king her fingers down her throol. "Look, i f she was really sick, I'd be as worried as ~'Oll ,'
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As wOrried as me? I don'llhmk so. Harry." ·Can·t you S,'t? It·s a kind of blackmail. She only do<'S illo get )'OU to COlTte hOllle. Eat ~'ol1r dinna, Cyd.~ ~ I don', W~IJ[ my dinner. And yOIl should undcrsund how she feds. Harry. If anyone should understand. it's you. You know wh>! ii's like 10 b.- a siugk pafem." "Is thai whal you thmk? That you're a singk par<'m?" I shook my. held. "Yi)u're married. Cyd. You stopped being l single puent on our wedding d~y.~ "T hen why do I still fetllike. single parem? Why do I fcd so alone?" "It's not bcrausc there's something wrong ....·ith i>e8b')'," A wa;ter placed a bill and 3 q"artered Ol':lngc;n (rom o("s. "It·s txT'"'' Ihere', somethi ng wrong WIth u'.~ ~ R eally?
Outside the night had soured. The good"natured. slow_moving crowds o( carly evening had been repl3Ccd by. mobs of noi,y drunh. The lounslS were ,ommg om of Atam",n .Min! and L", Mis/,able.!. d<'sp"l':llciy hailing cabs thai were alre:uly occupied. The streets Were full of kids in from the suburbs and bcgg:lrs in from th e faraway towns. A s<;rappy. half_hearted f'sht was starting omside of a ]>'Ickcd puh. Vim could hear the sound of broken gbss and S,renS. T hen I S3W her. Knumi Shc W;lS in the qucue ou~ide th at elmrch ou Shaftesbury Avem.t they had mrued mlO a club all1losllw~lIty ytaTS ago. Limdiglot. Gma and I had l,'OIIt thn~ a coupk of limes. I didn't even know that limclight was still open. Knumi was with a bnndl of men and WOlllcn. slightly younger than herself, .l1lo<:al5 b y the look of them. She waS 31 Ih~ amtt of Iht crowd, the boys trying to imprrss, her, Ih(
glT l, wa nti ng 10 hi; her fnend . She 'milcd p.ticntly, cmght my eye and stared stra igh t through mt, 1101 r<..:oglllzillg the m3n from her frknd's past, or JUSt nOI cari ng. Knumi WoIS going dandng I was going home j ust ~s shc w~s b'Oing o u(. It was,,'t a diffe .... "t kind of" ight out. It waS a diffcrt:nt kind of life.
15
ANOTHER
POSTCARD frum America. 0" th,' ftont,
under the words "Connccticm- thc NUl1n cg state, N ew Eng-
land. a rural wilderness back.
ill Joined - up
abb~c
with the colors of fall." On the
writing, a mcss.:Ige from my SOIL
Dear D~(I
"I:Iritm'Y's 1 funny old name for a dog," said my I1101her.-[ sUPPOS(' ,h.l was Gin~'s idea: My mum had once loved Gina. 1 . lv,,,y' said that when they first m et. my nnllll thought Gin. was a H ome Counties versiOlI of Grace Kelly. a perfect combination uf blllC-Cy<-d beamy. old -fashiollcd d,-ccncy .lId rCg:ll bearing. Since ou r divorce my mUIll had slowly reVIsed her opinion. Now Gina was less the pr j,,,cs. of MUllaH' and mOTe the whore of Babylon. "Maybe Brimey is a bitch, Mum ," 16,
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"There's no need for talk like that," said my mother. We were at my dad's grave. It was the first time I had been here since Christmas Day after picking up my mum to take her to our place for the holiday. Three months ago now. It had been a surprisingly good Christmas-my mum and Cyd amusing each other greatly as they stuffed a giant turkey, Peggy on the phone to Pat for an hour comparing gifts and the look on Peggy's face when she opened her surprise present-an Ibiza DJ Brucie Doll, including his own little turntables. With Pat gone, I was expecting Christmas to be steeped in feelings of sadness and loss, but it was more of a respite from those things. But time was grinding on, and I saw that my dad's headstone was no longer as white and pristine as it had seemed a few months ago. It was now stained by the winter, tilted by time. Things were wearing out without me even noticing. "Is Pat all right?" my mum said. "Does he like his school? Has he made his friends? There was trouble here, wasn't there? You and Gina had to see his teacher. I remember. Is he all right now?" "He's fine, Mum," I said, although in truth I had no idea if Pat was a straight-A student or wandering his new classroom at will. It didn't feel like my son was thousands of miles away. It felt like light years. "I miss him, you knOw." "I know you do, Mum. I miss him too." "Will he come back for the holidays?" "The summer vacation. He'll be back for that." "That's a long time. Summer's a long way away. What about Easter? Couldn't he come over for Easter?" "I'll talk about it with Gina, Mum." "I hope he comes back for his Easter holidays."
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Mum.~
·B~cause
you n~'er know what's going to happen, do you? You nL"Ver know, " ~M\lm,
nothing is going to happen to him: J slid, trying (0 keep the exaspera(i on om of my voice. ~ Pat's (Ille. ~ She looked up 3t Ill", briskly rubbing her 11>llds together, wiping off the dirt from my fuller's gT:lVl·. ~ I 'm no( talking aboul I'l(, I-larry: she ",id. ~I'm talking aboUlme" And I just s!:Ired at her, as I felt the world turn alld change. I had always oclieved that my dad waS the tough One. My m tim didn't drive. she wouldn't open her fronl door aflcr dark and she hal<-d confronlalion of every kind. And because she didn't h.ve a dnvlllg license, because she was polite to rude ",aiters, oceaus<' she slcpt wit h the light on, I was slUpid enough to believe that my mot her was a timid woman. Now I was about 10 learn thai my "Iother Iud her OWll ,,'ell of courage. ~What happened, MUlll?~ She took another breath. "round a lump, I larry. When I was in the shower. [n my breast." I cou ld feci my heart. ·Oh, God, Mum. Oh, Jesus." "[t'S slltall. And very hard. [ went to See the doctor. You know how I11l1ch I hate s,-.:ing the doctor. A bit like your dad, really. Now J'w got to go for test~. Graham's gniug to take me in his car." This is how it happens, I thought. You lose one pueHl, and (hen you lose the oth er. Selfishly, I lhoughl- I WcU( through all this with Dad, and I dou't kn ow if I CaU do it ag.>iu AUI I knew I wuuld have to. It waS the mOSt nalUral thing in the world.
I cou ld imagine her in the .howeLI could see her wa.hing herself wi th the Ikxly Shop soap ill the shap<- of a dolphin dm hn grand son had bought her for laSt Christmas. I could See my mother's fJee. her kind Jnd beautifu l and irreplaceable face, as she dis.:;ovc red some thin g that had ne,'er heen therc Ix-fof(·. A small. hard lump. T hat lump the si~c 3 phnet.
or
WI,en I came home I found l'e!;!,'Y si ning cross-legged On the carpet, studying a book on Lucy Doll. "Look what I","e gO!. Harry.~ I sat 011 \he floor with hc r and looked at the book. I tOt'!' LII'}" Doll: TI,e Ill,rld', F~""",ile D"lIy was a serious cofTt'e- t:lble job. full of social analysi s . nd cuhural deconstruction. Fim artid c-"Wherc is Lucy Doll From?" I skimmed the article. bccau.., I had always wondered !lut my..,lf. It turned out that Lucy Doll was boru in Paris of a pan Th.i, p.rt Brazili.n mother and an Anglo-Zu lu father. The book revealed dw Brucie Doll waS from Ibil •. There were more schobrly articles. Lucy Doll as modern icon. Lucy Doll •• a femiuist role model. Lucy Doll,. a repos_ itory for traditional ,"alues. Lucy Doll as 3 radical of the scxual revol111ioll. Lucy Doll waS the perfect doll- you could f,..... t her to be .nydting you wanted her to be. ~Where did you gctth is, da rling?" ~ U nde Luke gived it me." "Uncle Luke?" "He Callie honl<" with mummy in his tacingcu." "Did Uncle Luke come 1!1'~ " No . But he gived mumlllY this book for me. !t·s (or big glTb." I v,undered why these creeps always gaY<" this linle girl the
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wTOng presents. Her dad w:>s forever buying her useless hUb'" smff.... d animals tliat were riO b'llOd to man or beast. And l'e!l&'Y was at k3St a decad .... toO young for I Leo .. LuI)' Do>Il: Tilt Ui'rld's rnlllJllrilf Dolly. But what did I know? She loved poring over the piclllrcS. and thert w:>s page after page of reproduction., from all the lucy Doll catalub"; down the ab'<"s. *Allth,' difftre111 lucy Dolls," 1't~'Y said. Ther .... they were in all their glory. Office lady lucy Doll (Lucy Doll wh .... u sh .... was working for a giantJ,paue", CQrp<.>ration before the bubble bUTSt). MimJukp lucy Doll (l ucy Doll in Go"" lVi,!. The Willd costume). Rio Dancer lucy Dull (Carmen Miranda f.... alh .... rs and tails) and Suburban Shopper Lucy Doll (Debbie Il eynolds cute in a whit.... dress that was as pure as a wl'dding b'UWn). Hut Dog Lucy Doll (the girl in an aprun, wielding a furk. gt"{ting "'ady to hl'at np $Oml' Wl'l'nies). And Working Girl lucy Doll (the blonde locks dycd brunellc 10 del10te caree r-girl seriousness. Working Girl Lucy Doll carried a briefcase and wore spectacles with no lenses). T here was also Space Shuttle Lucy Dull. Funky Diva Lucy Doll. left Bank lucy Do ll. I lippy Chick Lucy Doll. Clw )tcuse Lucy Doll. UUtlb":c Jumper lucy Doll. Fighter Pilot Lucy Doll. Lucy Doll as singer, shopper, housewi fe, commnter, cook, warrior. adwltCurcr altd tourist. Hurne altd care .... r. love and sex. domeSlicity .ltd glamour, work and fult. *What lucy Doll do yon like best of all. l'iJrry'I looked at Night_Night_B3.by Lucy Do ll. who wore a secthrough white negligec that JUSt abuut c.me down to her na,·cl. "I li ke Working Girl Lucy 0.:.11." I said. *Why's th at'*HenHl1ds me of your mum ." *Me tuu."
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TONY PARSONS
Cyd was upstairs getting dressed. She was sitting at the dresser in her bra and pants, staring into the mirror. She looked up at me, already defensive, waiting for me to start complaining about the book, the lift home, Uncle Luke. I shook my head, biting my lip. "My mum," I said. ''What happened?" "She found a lump in her breast," I said, my voice catching on those words and all they could mean. And my wife was across the room, taking me in her arms, and holding me in a way that she had only held me twice before. When we knew my dad was dying. And when my son went to live with his mother. The really bad times, the worst times of all. She held me. My wife held me. She put her arms around me and squeezed me tight, as if she would never let go, smoothing my hair, whispering words that were as soft as a prayer. Gently rocking me as I cried, and cried, and cried. My doctor had me swimming. Most mornings I went to the local public pool as soon as it opened, and joined the office workers doing their lengths. I swam up and down, chanting my mantra, my heart is a small miracle, my heart is a small miracle. I swam until failure. That was a new expression I had recently learned. It meant doing something until you just couldn't do it any more. Until failure. It was still winter dark when I came out of the pool, but the rush hour was in full booming £low. The people in the park were all hurrying to the tube station. Apart from her. Kazumi was crouching on the grass, peering into her cam-
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era, Ihe office workers swarming either side of her. A squirrel aud [slOpped 10 walch her. She w:lS ,n,aring a black parka, boo!>C aud a sh ort ocigecolon..'1l kilt E\'ell I could tdl it was frolll Burberry_ Black tighL•. Good reb'S' Hair falling in front of her face, getting pushl-d Om again. She looko.-d tOO b'OOd for Ihc rush hour. -Whal are you taking a picture of?She looked up >t mc. nccogni~ed me this time_ Smiled. -The leaves_ All the old leaves_ Th ey're beautiful whcll they'r,- dying away. T hey JUSt Stay a momcnt. dOll't they? Like ",kllra ill J apall. You know",kllrar I noddl-d. -Cherry hlossoill. right? The Japanese go to the park to look at the cherry blossom ill fnll bloom for a few days cwry rear. School kids, salary m,'n, offie.' ladies, old pl'Ople. All watching Ih,' cherry blossom JUSt before it di,".She stood up, smoothed her Uurberry kilt and pushed more hair out of her eyes. '-You know S<1kuro. Because of Gina?-Yes. because of Gill a.- All those years with my first wife had given me a cnslt course: ill J apanese culture. I klt ew my S<1kura traditions. -]'m not sure a few dead leaves in north london lTe in quile the same league." She laughed. -Beautiful colors. Not so obvious. You just h.,·e 10 look with different '-yes. Arc you illlerested in phmogcaphy" -Me? Abso[utely-neally'-Sure. For lIIe it's notjnst about gemug the holiday suaps developed at the drugstore. Photography is, you kllow. a I\\-","ticth...;entury art form_ A, er. genuinely modern medium that ha
~
:.:lctly what I want." She uodded. The", small. encouraging nods. "I post to you: "Or I could come to your place and collccl lhem." ~Or I post: " It's no trouble. Hcally." She stared at Ine for a moment, thinking abom it. "You w.lnt a cup of tea, Kazumi? Thert's a caf~ OVCT by the Itrlms courts" ~Sllre. British ah""ys want a Clip of tea ." "JUSt like the J apJlll"sc: We walked Over to the small caft by the temnS courtS,
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moving against the scuttl ing tide of office workers. And as "'" ordered our drittks, I conld picture mys..-If itt hcr flat itt Primrose 1"1111, s<:e her pulling ofT her boots and stepping Out ofhn Burberry kill. I co\tld ~e ii, And it fdllikc the best thing in the world . It was that old, dang<:rOlls feeling of something about to stan. -How's Pot?" sIll" said, and J adored hcr for that. I would have adored anyone who cared enough to ask me aoout my
ooy. - ]-Jc's fine, I guess: I said. "Started schoul. GO! a dog called Britney. ]-Je's connng Over for his holidays. Suo". I hope. We have to work it out. W"hat about you? Happy in Lou" don?" - I-lapp,er than Tokyo. I-Iapp,er than wh.." [ was married." I thonght of the crying man in Gin"s garden. Part of mc didn't want to know. I hate it when they tell you aoout the old days. Jtjust puts a crilllp in everything for me. But she wanted me to hear. [was too curious to try stnpping her. -I-Ie's a photographer. Famous, sort of. Atle. st III Tokyo. lie 10"ed lots of European photographers. 110m, Ilobert Doisneatt, Alan Brooking. Magnum photographers. You know? Magnum ag<:ncy? I-Ie was very brilliant. I w:>s his assistanL First job after college. I- how tn say?- Iookcd up for him." -Looked up 10 him." -I k was ~ery encouragt'"d. Enrollr"gi"g. Then We got married and he changed. Wanted me to stay home . Have a baby" "What kind of man dOl"S a th ing like that?" "Didn't want ute to work." She sipped her tea. "Like yon and Gina." I cou ldn't let her get away with that. "Nothing hke me and Gma. Shc "'awcd to Stay home "nd raise our SOn . Atkast at firsl."
~MArricd
men," she <;,;)id,~, if !lUI expbined everything. She stoOd up, pulkd Out a little PT:ld, purS<.·. For all her t:llk lbolll Magrn!!" photogr.op hers, she was a classic Jap:ln~sc girl. "r:td~ lnd Burherry mad. ~ 1'U1 your money a""y. 1"11 b'Ct these. You can b'Ct them next IIrn<".~ "No: she said. "No II txt time. 1 POSt thost pictures of Pat .• T hen she was leaving. kicking through the leaves. watch~xI by Our squirrel and me as she disappeared among the offic~ workers. An Aslall girlu, a llurbary kilt. I called afta ber. "Htll when will I see you again'~ She raised her left hand. without tun,ins round. °Wl,en your finb'''' gelS OClleT." I looked down at my bands and saw tbe b'old band glinting on my third finger. It felt like there was someth ing wrong with ;t I<xby. It wa, cutting lIllO me. 1 kn~w thaI deep down inside Gina still l,ad a soft spot for Iltt.
"Yo" bloody imbecile." .he sa id wh"n I ca lled. "You dkk· head. Vim kIm>. You 24-<;arat fool. Do you have any idea what time it IS heTe? Nearly midmshl. Pal ,wnt 10 bed hours ~gu. You moron. I brry." "It's Hot Pat I w31lt 10 t31 k to. Ifs ~'ou .• ~Ma kc it snappy I'm just aoo", '0 noss and b'O to Ixxl.' ~ [ ""nt 1'>1 to come back.. For a week or so. Seven days. Anytb",g. E:!stcr. Ilow's Eas~r?" I could hear her putting btr hand over ,he r<"ceivtr, ,tiling Hi<;hard tlllI il WaS me. And I heard him sigh. ,bm a door. gv into a sulk. "T b,,'s nOi possible, lIarry.·Why not?"
,llan a"d II' iJf
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too expensive 10 kc~p flying him back ~nd fonh aCrOSS the Atbntic. Il"s tOO dismptivc. And t,t's tOO young. Who do you think h<· is' Tony Hbir' J le'sonly sevtn." ~Hc'll be fine. It will be an aclvcnttlTc. [ havc to sec him. I can'l wail IIntil Slimmer. And d 'e money's no. a probkm." "Oh, rnlly?" Sht could Ix- dead sarcast ic. "It might ,,01 b~ a problem for you. But Hichard's job at Bridk-Wonh",Ston has not turned out too well." ~Jcs"s. he can't k,..p d,~"gingjobs . He's j"sl going to have to buckle down and Start Tememberillg he has SOme rcsflOllsibililic-s." A 10llg: silellce in r~,.,ly. Alld (guessed that my c~_wifc had said almost those very \"ords to fussy old Itichud . ~So h.,', "ncmplo~'cd? ' -No--hc's lo.,l'i"N 4""",d. But we don't have moncy to b~"
" I'll pay. DOII 't worry about that. Gnll, I j ust ...·Jllt to see my son. I just ",.-:ml hu" to ,,'memb,:r he bas ~ hfe hcre. He has holidays, docsn'l h.·? S.'nd him over 31 b stcr. S.'nd h,m an ~'
Ume.
"I'll think about it."
" Pleasc." Begging hcr to lct me sec my o;on. But for somc rcason I fell no angn. For somc rcawn [ couldn'l quite fathom . il waS something far clos("f to pi ty. "llow's it gOltlS Over Ihne'" ~Oh , Ihe New England coast is beautiful. Very hiSloric. W IS of liulc antique shops and fishing villages. And ,lllheS{ nameS ,hat rrmilld you oflx-mg a kid in ElIgland-v..rmouth, l'onsmouth, Ithi"k ,h.. rc·s ..".. u a Little I iJ mptoll. All thcse English names. Harry" 'Soll"ds grc ll I'm happy for YOll. Gim." " Uu , ... •
"\Vhat?"
Her voice '",'IS just above a whisper. As. if she w:ts talking to herself, not me. "Well, iI's not really like that wherc we livc. It's not so quaint and lovdy in Hanford. See, Hanford is a big ugly tnwn . There's crime. And I'm a bit- I don't know wlm you would call it. Lonely, I guess. I think I'm lonely. Richard', utT to th,' city tvn)' day looking for. jub. Pat'S in his Hew school." "Doing welP" "I-Ie's doing very ",,,,II l'Ie's not wandering around in the middle ofkssons any more." "That's fantastic, Gin •. " "But I don't know an~·one. Everybody's gone in the day time, and locked up at horne at night. It's not quite what Ie"" p"ned." She n'coven'd, n'llKlllbncd who she was talkin g to. "But we'1I be finc', we'll bc.' fi,l<' ." "Listen, let l':lt corne over for a ....·e d:. lie can spend some time with my mum. He'd lo"c that. 50 would she." I d id,,'t tell Gina about my mum, abom the lump the size of a planet. T hose days were long gone. "!kcause YOll nn'er know wbat', ~,.oillg 10 happen in life, do yon?" "That's right: said my ex"wife. "Yon llC'Vcr kn ow what's going 10 happen in life."
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I F YOU SAW my mum walking down the street, you might think she was just another little old lady on her way to buy some cat food. But you would be wrong. She can't stand cats for a start, because she claims they leave a terrible mess everywhere (although strangely she always stoops to pet and coo over even the most flea-bitten alley cat she encounters on her travels). Looking at my mum, you might think you knew all about her. But you would not know her at all. Some things I know about my mother. She thinks Dolly Parton is the greatest singer in the world and that people shouldn't make fun of Dolly's figure all the time. She will watch any kind of sport on TV but prefers the more violent games (boxing, rugby, the NFL). She believes that her grandson was the most beautiful baby in the history of the world. She reckons that is a completely objective opinion, and she is not remotely biased. Some more things I know about my mum. She gets unimaginably lonely since my dad died. It doesn't matter how 177
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many people are around her. She worshipped my father and talks to his photographs when she thinks nobody is listening. A visit to his grave is my mum's idea of a good day out. I know she inspires an incredible love in her family and friends-young neighbors repair her gutter for a cup of tea, her army of silver-haired friends are always asking her to hang out at the new shopping mall and her brothers call her every day. My mum is kind, funny and brave. Very brave. Although she doesn't open her front door after dark, she is always ready to stand up to any passing bully. When Pat was very small and my mum was in her sixties, she threatened to punch out a gang of youths who were getting what she called wild in the local General Lee's Tasty Tennessee Kitchen. I was angry with her at the time-I thought they might stab her, because even little old ladies are not safe in the lousy modern world-but now I am glad she did it. That was her. That was my mum. That's what she's like. I am proud of her. She doesn't have the short fuse that my father had. She is tolerant of other ways of life, believing in the essential goodness of mankind. But when she loses her temper, she goes ... well, wild, is what she would call it. Her favorite brother, the one who is closest to her in age, always reminds her about the scar she put in the upright piano in the East End home they grew up in. My mum, enraged at some teasing from her brother, threw a knife at his head. It missed him by inches and stuck in the piano, quivering the way knives only do in cartoons. The attempted murder of her brother was out of character. She was a quiet, shy girl, bullied at school fora slight speech impediment (not bullied by her school mates, bullied by teachers, for that East End school was as brutal as a workhouse in Dickens). She always claimed the
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knife had slipped. Her brother insisted she had aimed the blade to perfection. In a house full of boys, she was as distant and regal as a virgin queen. Doted on by her parents, encouraged to think of herself as special, she was as indulged as an only child. I know my mum was always loved-as the only girl in a large family of boys, and as the only female in the little family that I grew up in-and I believe that is why she is so good at giving love. I know that Pat and I would be lost without her. I can't even imagine what the world would be like without my mum in it. She is full of life. She has more life in her than anyone I ever knew. She likes to sing and dance. I know she likes a laugh, even at the worst of times, especially at the worst of times. We still smile about the time she slammed her head against my father's coffin at his funeral. Only someone who loves people as much as my mum could ever get so lonely. She carefully plans her evening viewing. She likes the news, real-people documentaries, but she raises an eyebrow at all the pierced tongues and nipples on Six Pissed Students in a Flat. I know she sneers at soap operas, although back in the eighties she liked JR in Dallas. Cartoon villainy amuses her. What else? Oh yes. I know my mother hates going to the doctor. In the end Tex didn't take my mum to the hospital. Apparently his Micra was having trouble with its big end, although I suspected that the real problem was Tex was having trouble with his nerve. My mum told me she would get the bus. I said that I would come to the hospital with her. She said the bus was
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fine. She didn't w.nt to nuke a fuss. That '",'IS alway, o ne of her big Ihinf?-!Iot Illaking a fuss, If Ihe Four Horscn"'l l of the Apocalypse appeared iu her bac k g:mlcn, ram pab~ug through her rose bnshes, my mum would try 1mt to nuke 1 filS,. Having a laugh and not making a fllss. That was ha way. That was her philosophy. A kiud ofhglll-hearted stoici sm that pu lkd al my hearl, and made me f~"el like puuin g my arm around her. l3ut it waS difficult to laugh uxhy. It was dIfficult to gnn and bear it on days like these. When she came out frotn seeing the sp~"eialist I could tell the news was bad. She ,",as stru ggling to lInderstand the diagnosis, tryin g to lInderstand th,' I.nb'll'b"', trying to lIndnstand how a hard en~xI piece of flesh could change your "'Qrld SO comp letely. She didn't want to wl k about it in the overcrowded waiting room. She didn't want to ulk .boll! it lIntil we wcre back in my car. We sat in the hospital's end less en park. Olher cars circled like sharks, looking for a precious parking spuc. II was a busy day for the hospiuL They we re probably.ll busy da~ . " Look-I' ve writtcn it down.~ Shc showed mc a scra p of paper. She had writ!("n ;"VM;V('" (~",;"oma itt her shaky hand . ·What docs it mean?" I said, SOrt of btowing what it meant. hut IlIlahk to believe it. ~ Breast cancer," said my mum. Of CUlI'se, I thought. First or", paren! and th en tht· other. That is the way it has to bc:,. The only way it can be. Th", most natural thing in Ihe "'Qrld, as natural as Ihe birlh of a ",hild. T heil why did it fed like the world was coming apart? ~Th r doctor at the breast un it sa~ they don't know what they',,,, going tu do yef. 1·low to tre.t if. Niu bloke. 5011l<' son
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of Mediterranean. Spoke Engl ish bener than me. They do, don't they? Gayc it to mC stniSlu, Says there's somnhing calkd slag/rig. It 1Ill'anS they have to assess the risk of it spreading. And, yOIl know. How far it'~ ~pread already· J was spe~'1:hlcss. " I met the breast-care nurse, She waS nice, Lovdy girl. l'ln nOS<." was---what do you call it? Pierced, Specially trained to deal with my kmd of casc. I'vc g<)1 10 go back, Harry. J Can get the bus. Don't worry. J know you're busy.I stared at her profile as she looked aCross at the hOSpItal. J ,",atched that soft, kind fan- that I had known longer than any face in nly life and sawall the etnOlions churni ng insidc her, Shock. Fear. Bewildermcnt. Anger, Evcn thc darkest kind of .muserncnt. -G raham didn't stick around long, did Ilt'? Old Tex. Cowboy Joe from thc Rio Southcnd, Soon buggcred off when t he music stopped, Your dad would have been here, Your dad ,",ould have been here for me, Harry. That man would have walked through fire for me, That', a marTlagt', Harry. T hat's what a marriage is all abom."There's loIS they can do, isn't there?" She was silent. 10" in her own thoughts. -Mum? I 'lay, th ere's plenty they can do. isn't there?-Oh, yes, Oh, yes, Lots they (alt do, I'm goiltg to beat this thing, I mean it, Illny, ~oplc liv, willt breast cancer. They do. People IiVi'. It' s not like yom dad. Can't fight lung cancer, Can't fight that. Bloody lung ,"nceT. Bloody cancer. Took your dad, II's nOI b'Oing to lake me. Bloody, bloody CanCer, It's a righi" ,mularJ.· SIlt' glanced 31 me. "Excuse my language," "Mum'-What, love'· - I'm really proud that you're my mll 01," She nodded. lOOk my hand and held it. Held it so tight in
her own small hand that I could fed that piece of precions metal pressillg illto my p~lrn, that sli,'Cr of gold, burnished by a lifetime, My mothe r 's wedding ring, h fit her perfectly. My parents met through her brother. Til<' om' she threw the knIfe at and tried 10 kill. He was always her favorite. My mum's brorhc r and my dad went to the same boxing club for boys. This is oock whell boxing waS U popular among schoolboys as football. T hat's all chan!;ed now, of course, and the only men in television I know who boxed 3t school all went to Eton. l3ut tillS was back when boxing was considered a healthy pastime for growing boys. And aftt-r sparring t"i,'Cther- my uncle and my father were exactly the sallie weight and age, bol h one ~'car older than my llnl1l1- tny mum's brother brought my dad home to that house in an East End balUo, which was what they called their linle dead-end street, a oonjo, because 11t.l's exactly what it was shaped like. And growing up in tim banjo. a house full of boys. And olle girl. At scvcnt~..,n, my dad had already Ix..,n at work for th ree years. He was cocky and wild, his pride priml>d with an cxpl<>siV(' t<.'lTlper- aftct Olll' of his army of cousins had sworn at him, he had tied )",r to a lamp POSt and washed her mouth Ol1t with soap. There was an .nger in him. He wonld fight anyone. He .,,-,emed to enjoy il. Then he saw my mother, jllst six!l..,n years old, tht· spoikd princess of til<' banjo, and he fuund Ins re. soll 10 StOP fightillg and sta n living. She tallght him to be gentle- her and the unimaginable things he did and saw in the w>r that was coming soon. He taught her to Ix- strong. Or maybe' It was.1l there already- the rooring boy w. s mOre s<:nsitiv~' than he dared to let on. And
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perhaps she w::ts alw::tys harder than she seemed. The reserved sixteen-yen-old girl had beeu toughened up by poverty,life in the bar ~o and ali lhosc brothers, BUI Ihey Iud 1 deliriously hlppy Imrrilge_ Even up to the day my father died, they ...vere mad about each other. For an entire lift-tin1<', they never rt'ally stopped courting. He sent her rcd roS(Os, she brought him breakfast 111 bed. I-Ie stared at her, tlnable to believe his lllek. She wrOle him poems_ Put Ihem in his lunch box_ I ~w his cards to her_ Mother's Day, birthday, Christmas. His allgeL he called her. The love of his lifc. He secmed hke thc lraS! romantic man in the world, and she inspired him 10 wri te sonnets. The products of dose_ knit, crowded C---at least it w::tSll't a knifl'-----when I drove her 10 distr:lction with my daydreaming and solitary games. the comforlS of Ihe only child Ihat freq\lently prevented me frOlll coming when I W;t5 called. 13m she had w:med tOO long for a baby 10 ever be lllad at l11e for long.
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"Wait until your father gets home," she would tell me, and it was her ultimate threat. It never frightened me, though. Because I knew they loved me, and I knew that it was a love that was unconditional and everlasting, a love that was built to last a lifetime and beyond. No, what frightened me as a child was the thought of losing my mother. Small, sweet-faced, curly-haired, five feet and a bit, she would disappear up to the little row of shops near our little home on black, blustery winter evenings, the kind of November and December nights that we no longer seem to get, off to buy something for what we called our tea. Those were the years when it snowed in winter, and in my memory at least, the streets were shrouded in the fog of countless open fires. She would be on an errand for mince, pork chops or baked beans, or on Fridays fish and chips wrapped in newspaper-the menu of my childhood. And I would be anxious, unbearably anxious for the return of this woman, my mum, who had just nipped down to the shops. Still in my school uniform of gray flannel trousers, gray shirt and stripy tie, that old man's outfit they made us wear, I would stand on the back of the sofa and press my face against a window streaming with condensation, scanning the dark, empty streets. Searching for the irreplaceable sight of my mother, and tortured by the thought that she was never coming home agam. Cyd and I took my mum to a show. My father had always taken my mother to shows. Every six months or so they would put on their best clothes and head for the bright lights of London. For two people who spent most evenings in front of the television set, they were connoisseurs of musical theater.
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When the film versions ofOklalw",,,!, I~hl Side Slory or My Io"i, LAdy camc on TV, thcy would both sing along, word perfect, My mum would also dancc-shc did a particularly b-ood imimion of the cool_daddy-o ballet of Ihe SllJrh and the Jets in libs Sid, SI"'}'_ For my IllUIll, mmicals were not a passive exp<'riencc, She had oceH booing to the WcSt End for fifiy rcars, aud tlK'rc wcrc fcw mncs be iHg banged om nightly on Shaftcsbury AWHue, the Strand and Haymarket that she didn't know beuer than the p<."Oplc singing them . N ow shc decided she ",,"m,d w catch LeJ Misf,abi.. ag:nll. " I love tlm one,- she wid Crd. "I like the liule girl. And I like the prostitute'S. And I li ke it when all the students b'Ct shot. It's very sad and there arc some lovely melodics in it." She wore a white two-piece suit from l31oomingdalc's that I had brought her back from a trip to New York. She lookt'd beautiful but frail, and older, far older, than I had ever thought she would ever oc. Crd took her hand when we picked her up, and 'K'ver let it go as we made our way to the Palace Theatr<' in Cambridge Circus. Cyd held her hand on the drh'c iuto town, held it as we made our way through the teeming carly-ewning crowds, my mum looking too elSily broken for the City, too delicate to be surroundL..:l by all the traffic and bustle and hordes. TlK' audicncc inside the Palace w:l.S tI", usual mixllIre of foreign tourists, coach trips in from the suburbs and locals on a big night out. Directly in front of us he re was a young man in a pinstripe snil, some well_scrubbed jnnior hotshot from the City, with what lookt-d like his 1l10tlWT on 011<' side and Ins grandmother 011 the other sid e. J didn't like him fr011l the start. He made a big deal about turning around and shaking his headjusl occause my mum ch p pcd IU111 around th~ t'or a few times with her COOt as sht' waS strugghng to tak<- it off T hen
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he tutted elaborately when m y mum w histled through th e overture. And then, when th e show began, he kept o n loudly clearing his th roa t w hen my mum sa ng along to Fantine's big dying number, "I Dreamed a Dream. " Finally, as my mum joined in for th e ca t's stirring rendition of "D o Yo u H ear th e People Sing?" he turned aro und angrily. "Will you please shut up ?" he hissed. "Leave her alone, pal," said Cyd, and I loved her for it. ''We've paid for our tickets too." "We ca n't enjoy the show if she ac ts like she's part of the chorus!" "Who's she?" r demande d. Behind us people started going, "Ssssh!" Bald and permed heads we re turning. Well-fed faces creased with irritation. "Do )'0/1 hear the people sir/gillg, singillg the SOllg cif angry //len?" san g m y mum , happi ly oblivious. "Tt is the /Il/lsic cif a people Illho Illilll/.ot be slaves again!" The young suit's posh old granny stuck her oar in. ''We've paid for our seats too you know." "We can 't concentrate on th e performance," whined her frumpy daughter. ''You don't need to co nce ntrate, lady," said Cyd. ''You just need to lay back and enj oy it. You know how to lay back and enjoy it, don' t yo u?" ''Well reall y!" "I' m getting help," said her son, and went off to fmd a young wo man with a to rch. Then they threw us ou t. They we re very ni ce about it. Told us that if we co uldn't silence my mum th en the manageme nt reserved th e ri ght to ask us to leave. And there was no way of shutting up 111y mum w hen we still had the deaths of Va ljean, J avert, Eponine and all th ose ni ce students to look forward to.
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my mother ~nd me. Laughing about it 3lready. as thouf;h b'Clling throwll OUi of a nlUsic31 was aCIU~lIy much ntor<."" fun thall w3tchinf; on<."". Makill g our way Ihrough the funk")' crowds to the IUT [uli] where my mum was promised a lovely cup of tea. Till· three of us, my wifc and my mother and mc, arm in arm in the streets ofSoho. Singing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" at the top of onr So we "..ent. My wife
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MET MY SON AT TIlE AIRPORT.
He came through the arriva l gat<: holding the h~nd of a young I:I ritish Ail"\O.'Jys stewardess. There was some sort of idc nt ific~l io n
ug around his nec k, as wurn by child evac uees in old black-and-white WlITS, or J>.ddtn b'Wll Hear. Plea,;c look ~flcr this child.
' !'a t! o..cr here! I'at!" The , tcw, rd(";s spotted me hefore he did . He WlS (h min g aWlY to hcr, hIS face pale and senoll', and then he saw me
through til t legs uf all tho",.., arriving touriStS .lId business types. 1Ie broke away from the SA girl . lId r.H1 10 my arms, and I was on my knees, holding him tight and kissing his mop of blond hair. " Let mt look 31 you, darling. ~ 1It grinn ed and yawned . and [ Saw thaI th .. gumm y gap that had "" istcd at the (ront of his month Iud chang~-d _ There \VCre IlQW two lInC"en (ragl1lcn~' of pure white bone pushing through. Thc tctth that would h.vc to last him a lifnim c. T hrre war ot her changrs. lit w.s t:lllcr. and his hair w.s
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maybe slightly d;n iren't you, Polt?" said thc BA woman. Then she ga"c me a dazzli ng white smile. "l'Ie', such a lovdy boy." It waS tnw.I·/t- was a 10"dy boy. Smart, funny and beamiful. And independent and brave- flying across the Atlantic all hy himsclf. A tcrrific linle kid. My son, whell he was seve n years old. We thanked tilt' ",-Oman from BA and nught a cab back into town. My heart felt ligh ter titan it had in months. "Everything oby in Connecticut?" " Fine." "You like your new school? Making friends?" "Good: "Mummy all right?" "She's okay." He pallscd, frowning at the , 'ow_l11oving traffic heading for the motorway. "Bm she argues with Richard. Tlu'y have a lillie bit of a row about Brimey." So that was Ihe trouble with Gina. For 3 moment I won" dercd who Brimey was---------some hot little baby_siuer? Or some cute "'''etaT)' looking for love? But Brimey couldn't be a ",e_ renT)'. r~icha rd didn't ha\',' ajob. It had all fallen through", Bridk-Wonhirtb'iOn. So who was Ihis 11IyS({'ry woman? "Brimey WaS sick in the living room," Pat said. "Hichard was "cry angry. T hen Britney wct thc Indian rug and had to have an op..-ralioll and Richard .... id H waS disgnsting (he way Brim,'y k{'pt biting at the stitches."
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the hep I<-",n. down at the soda shop for, bee- bopping, fingerlicking good lime: said I'cSb'Y. ·Strap yourself in for action. kcause the countdown to fun has begull!" Pdt smiled ~hyly Jlhis oldest friend . " H ello Pat," Pcggy said with the hrisk formality of the minUT royalty. "So how's AnK"ric:a)" "Good: hc said. "]"v,· gO! a dog. Hi, name·, Britney. Hc·, not allowed in the housc oc-.;ausc he licks his thing right in front of ewryhody." -Sorry to disappoint you, P:n: slllffed I'q;gy. " BlII he call·t k a buy dog ifhis name is Britncy.lkc.uS(" Brimey is 1 gir!", name. sti,pid .• Pat looked up at me for support. "Bri tney is. boy dog, isn·t he?" I thuught of Brimey licking his t·normuus great pt·uis at the dinner tahle. "I would say so. darliug. " "Do you want to v,atch Lu'Y [)ol/', Am~ri("" Gntffili with me?" said Peggy. "Lucy Doll Rock and Holl maglC.lly comes to life in this ,tuuuiug adaptation of the lIIuch-lo,·ed classic." Cyd and I smiled at each other. She gave my ann J little squeeze. She knew how much this mcalll to me. Pat considered the vision in pink doing a Chuck Ikrry duckwalk across dIe TV SCTcrll. "Lucy Doll sucks: he said. at. s.:Il. "" " ' ·d " LIICY Doll sucks big time: "fbi.•
-Liley Doll C.lI kiss Illy royal ass."
"Pat. rill warning YOll.· " Lucy Doll can go flick herself" And it SOrt of wcm downhI l l frum there.
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• • • I had never seen my mother so happy in my life. This was more than happiness. Seeing her grandson again provoked a kind of ecstasy, a kind of delirious abandon. My mum lost herself in her grandson. Before I had the hand brake on she had picked him up and squeezed the air out of him. She held him at arm's length and stared with wonder at his gorgeous face. She shook her head, unable to believe that he was back. If only for a week. We went inside. Pink and purple leaflets were strewn across her coffee table. My mother quickly began to gather them up. But not before I caught a sight of some of the titles. Here for You. Coping with a Diagnosis. Breast Reconstrnction. Friends if Breast Cancer Care. Going into Hospital. Zoladex. Taxol. Taxotere. Arimedex. Chemotherapy. Radiotherapy. I didn't even understand half of the titles. But I knew what they all meant. ''You okay, Mum?" I asked, the most useless question of all, but one I couldn't stop myself asking. Because I wanted sO much for her to tell me that everything was going to be all right, and that she would always be in this world. "Oh, I'm fine," she said, not wanting to make a fuss, seeking to avoid self-pity and melodrama at all costs. "They sent me all this stuff. I don't know how they expect me to read it all." She gathered up her cancer leaflets and stuffed them into a drawer. Then she clapped her hands. "I'm going to make a nice cup of tea for my two boys," she said. "How about that?" "I can't have caffeine," Pat said, picking up the television remote. "Mummy said."
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"And I've already had three cappuccinos," I said. "My doctor doesn't want me to have more than three shots of caffeine a day. Bad for blood pressure, you see." "Oh," said my mum, her lovely face bewildered. "Oh all right. I'll just make one for myself then, shall I?" So Pat and I slumped on that sagging old sofa that seemed to know every last nook and curve in our bodies and my mum went off to the kitchen, humming Dolly Parton's "Jolene," and contemplating this strange new world where her son and grandson were both forbidden from having a nice cup of tea. Later we were in the park watching Pat tackle the upper regions of a rusty climbing frame. He wasn't the tentative small boy he had been only a couple of years earlier. Now he was as fearless as a little mountain goat. Two bigger boys were clambering around the very top like monkeys in Tommy Hilfiger. Every now and again Pat would pause, hold on tight and gaze up at them with adoration. He still loved bigger boys. They ignored him completely. "It's good to have him back," I said. "Feels more like a proper family again. Especially when we are out here with you. Just a regular family where you don't have to think too much about anything. Where it all seems-I don't knownormal. Like you and Dad." My father would have happily concurred with my yearning for normality. The old man would have bemoaned the death of the family, the rise in the divorce rate, the generation of children who were being brought up with one of their parents missing. He would have done all that while rolling himself a cigarette. My dad was all for normality. But my mum was made of different stuff. "What's normal?" she said. "Your dad and I were married
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Cyd's angry with me because she thinks I'm spoiling Pal. I'm mad at Cyd becaus ... I think .Iw re .... lIIs I ~Jt comiug owr for JUSt one lousy wt'Ck: "Why m:n"{ I'::I.{ And Peggy (;lIking?' "They had a bit of a bust_np. 1·1e called Lucy Doll a twodollar crack whore. You kuow how I'q~,'Y f...,ls ahom Lucy Doll." "Brothers and sisters fight all the time. nearly subbed one of my brothers." '"Yes, but they'IT nOt brother and sister, are they? That's the point. So it Can nevcr oc normal. Not really. If it (ails to pieces, thell what happens? We nt"Ver see each other again. You're telling me that's what you call normal' Come on, Mum. Nut even yuu're th>! broad- minded." We watched l':It climb to th,' summ it of the frame. He' stood there silhouetted against the big blue sky, the smell of spring in the air despite the chil l, grinning at us, all wrapped up in his padded .norak. He held on tight with both hands. Golden strands of hair stllck oll! (rom inside the wool h>! th.t his b'Tandmother had knitted him. "I just dou'llike all this talk .OOm normal: ... id my mum. "Be.:ause for years I (elt anything hut normal. Ten years '"e tried (or you. Every month was another heartbreak. Times that by ten, Harry. You're the smart on .... You work it om: One of Pat's sneakers seemed 10 slip and I watched the npression on his face change frt)m pride to alarm as he suddenly lurched bad,wards into thin air. IltH then he rl..,owred, fO
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midnight. The kids had bem 3sk... p for
hours-Peggy in her room, Pat on an old futon in the guest room-and Cyd was Out catering for the bunch of one of those trt'ndy hotds that were springing up all Over town. Aftn the slurs on Lucy 1)QlI's mOTllirr we were all tJlking aglin, although it was with a stTli ncd politcnC$s that sometimes sceml-d (',-('ll worsc than angry siknec. I waS glad that nobody waS uound when my ex-wife c~lIed . ~1s he okay. I-larry'"1-1e's finc .""You're not lening him have sugar, arc you? Or caffeine? Or British bed?"1-1e hasn't had a Happy Mea l since he's been hcrc_~ "] want you 10 uke him 10 Sl"C my dad. " ""Your dad? Take him 10 sec Glenn?-That's right. Pat"$ graudfather.· It W1S always difficult for me 10 remember that I>:.t had two $ets of grandparents. Gina's mother had died before our son was born, and although her old man was $Iill out ther" and Pat Iud s~"C n him sporadICally down the Y"ars. he had never been a traditional grandfather figure. Glenn WaS what he h~d always bc.:n-a I~oben Plant looblike who had never quite made it nut nf the minor lngue$. There had becn the odd appearauce on Top oj rI~ Pop. at the cusp of the sixties and S<.,,,
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you: "11("'/5 everything ovtr tbtrt? Brim<)' still uPStlrillg Hichard? Pat's lold m<' 311 abom it. Is he srilllicking bis pcl1is at Ihe dinn~r tahle' T he dog. I meln. Not mch~rd . ~ ~That dog is the icast of Ollr troubles," s,id my ex_wife_ ~T hank
My SOn cri~d Out III tht middk of th .. night. I shpptd out of bed. feeling Cyd sti r beside me, and I Went to him. treading cardully >s I felt more >sleep than awake_ Alld it waS,S if we had IInTr OC~11 apart. Ilis long fair hair waS stuck to his h~ad with perspiration. I sat him up and g:t"c him some water. rubbing his back the way I'd donc when he was a baby and ncrd ..xI bu'ping_ ~Yon can'l slc~p on planes. ~ he said in the darkn<"ss, talking in a dream. "It's "cry difficult. right, because you',e moving and d,<" ..'s all this food all the time aud a littie telly too. Isn't it difficult. Daddy?' " But ie' .• okay now. Everyth i ng's okay now." I held my boy dos<' and rocked lum, fechng the warmth of him through the brusll<:d colton pajama,. sen,ing his little chest rise 3nd fall with <'acll passing breath. feeling 311 the love J felt for him rise up inside mc_ It was fOll r lit the morning. The hOllsc slept on. But now I waS awa ke, and ....·"'''mocring SOme words frO! n long ago. "Just rest your eyes: I told my boy.
18
PEGGY SURVEYED TIl E crowds .warming around the'
gia1l1 ferris wheel. -Th ere's lots of p<.'Qplc." she said. taking my hand. I looked up at th e London Eye towering above us, and down at hn worried face. I smiled and gave her hand a little squeeze. "We'll be up there soon." She nodd<-..:l, holdi ng my hand tighte r. Sometimes l"'ggy pm her hand in mine and I (elt tim everythingwa, going to be all righl. She was so small. so smart, so wise, so tTllsting and so beautiful that all she had to do was uke my hand and [ fclt like protecti n g h er for the rcst of my life. I fclt dIa! "",rm little haud in mine .lId nothing tis" n1>lwrcd. NOlthc sporadic ,-;sits from hn usckss fathn NO! the running banie she waS curren tly having with !-'at aboll! their early evening DVD entertainment. And not evell the fact that he. mother looh>d at her m a way she could n{VCr look at my SOn. 1'c!;b'Y took my
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hand and something chemical happened inside me. I felt like her father. High above us the great wheel revolved in the clear April sky. It was turning so slowly that from where we were you could hardly tell that it was moving at all. But new people kept pouring in and out of the steel and glass capsules, so something was happening up there. The crowd edged toward the departure gate. Pat was excitedly darting between the barriers, checking on our progress. Cyd was reading a brochure about the London Eye, occasionally saying, "Now this is interesting ... " before reading us some fact about the big wheel's architects, construction or size. But while Pat ran around and Cyd read aloud, Peggy just held my hand as we slowly moved forward. She was far more self-possessed than Pat, but that was not the reason she was being quiet today. My son was giddy with the fairground excitement of the London Eye, but something about all these people unnerved Peggy. "We'll be able to see where we live, Peg," I told her. "And we'll be able to see Parliament and all the parks and all the way to Docklands." "And Big Ben?" In a very small voice. "And Big Ben too." I gave her hand another squeeze. "We'll be all right, Peg." She didn't look so certain. Pat dashed back, happy and breathless. Cyd tucked her brochure under her arm. She put her arm around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder. When she lifted her face to look at me we smiled at each other, the kind of smiles that you can only really get after loving each other for a long time, smiles that somehow contained both a question and its answer. Happy?
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T/W/lks to YO LI. Then my w ife slapped my arm with her Lo ndon Eye brochure. "H ey, don't forget," she said. "Peggy's school play is nell.'t week. It's reall y important that you guys are th ere. I' ll slap your asses if you don' t come." "We wouldn 't m iss it for the wo rld ." I really mea nt it. We fe lt like a family today. And I wanted th is feeling to las t fo rever. We we re so close to the giant w hee l that now yo u had to crane yo ur neck to see th e top of it. You could see th at it was definitel y moving. "N early th ere," gasped Pat. So I held Peggy's hand in mine as the big w heel kept turn ing, and everywhere she looked , th e adult wo rld towered above her. "H ello boys," said G ina's dad. "Cool. Sweet. H ow about a cup of tea? H erb al all right?" G lenn. Pat's o ther gra ndfa ther. Easy to remembe r him as my ex-wife's useless bastard father, the sorry exc use for a man who made all men suspect, who made all m en seem capable of terribl e betrayal. Less easy to remember that he was my son's grand father. M y pa rents had been such a large part of Pa t's life, a source of stabili ty and unco nditional love during w hat so metim es see med like unbroken yea rs of domestic mayhem, th at it was hard fo r me to thin k of G ina's waywa rd old man in quite th e same way. G lenn wasn't m y idea of a grandfather. J e was ma rc my idea of an aging hippy who bel ieved hi s w ithered old dick was the ce nter of th e known unive rse. If G lenn wasn't th ere for his daughter, w hy should we expect any more for his gra ndson?
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Yet it was difficult for me to hate him, despite all the sadness he had caused in his lifctime. On the odd occ~sions whcn we met, this elderly b'fOOVct in his CTacket! lealha lroUsers seemed like a londy. pathetic ftgure . After all Ihe big dreams and greal love. and hy"erical 'iCenes in his life, he had end~xl up in a remed unt"-ocxlroolTl 11:11 HI Hadky W'ers of C Ds. And fat stacks of old twelve_inch vinyl LP•. Pac picked one of them up. -What's this then?" he >;lid, br.mdishing a dark, 12-inch cardboard square at me. "That'. a long_playing rc'Cord, I'ac" "What's ic do thell?" " It play. music."
Pat looked doubtful. "It', too big," he said. On the cov.'r of the album he waS holdlllg, a b(,lutiful young mall s13r('d Illo,xhly Out of tile darkness. In the background three less lovely young men hov('rcd like ugly sisters waiting to be invit<--d to the oolL Glenn C.me back into the room carrying our lIIUgs of ehamontilc. "Good choke, man," he said. "That's the first Doors album_ Considered by many to be the greatest debut alhum of all time." " I'at's not curious about Jim Morrisoll, Gknn," I said. "He's just never scen an LI' before." Glenn almost dropped the herbal tea. ·You're kidding me?"
And thm 11<' waS away. Sitting with Pat On the floor ofh" rented flat. si fting through half a century of tHusk while The Doors belted Ol1t. "Break on Through (To the Other Side)." It was all there , from Elvis and Littlc Richard to the Ikatle, and th,' Stones, Hendrix and the Who, the Pistols and the Clash. tile Smiths and the Stone Hoses, Nir"ana 3ud the Strokes, and every side road. every detour, from country rock to glam to gnmge to nu metal. the greats, the has_beetlS andhis speciality-the one_hit wonders. Glenn led his charmed, ocwildered grandson on a guid..,d tour through a rock aud roll wonderland. " Now III($~ guys arc imeresting." Glenn chuckled. produc" ing a sb:ve that showed five hoys in psychedelic trousers frol_ icking HI a childrt'u's park, "All, Y"s. The Trollies. Stam-d Out as a basic Mod covers band called Th(' Troll", l:Ioys. Got into the whole psychedelic thmg as T he Trollies _ Wandering around the projects having a bit of a cosmic "is ion- you know the son of tlllng. Pat, And latn recorded SOme rathrr lIltncSt-
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ing. hugdy underrated concept albums as Maximum Troll," Gle"" handed th,... sleevt to Pat , "S""l- anyom- you rcroguiu?" I peered ova thdr shoulders. And r saw him immedi, ately-the fJee of a drug"ravaged choir boy, Ihe Ilobert Plan! bubble cut tumbling over his veivetjackC!. leering at the c::lm_ era with his mateS. The Gll-nn of thirty ye ..s "t;", wlwu Gina waS a tiny baby, th,... Glcun who waS as dose 3S he would ever be to having his dreams all COllle truc. "Tha!"s }'<.lnr grauddad, Pat." I said. resisting the urge to "y-your odu-r granddad. "He was on Top 'iflile Pops once. isn't th>! right. Glenn?" Pat 's ntouth dropped open. "You were on Top l'oI'S~" He had always call ed it 'lop Po'ps. I had given up trying to corrl'Ct him. I sort ofliked his mIStake anyway. -With tbis very linenp. Oh. aparl from Chalky Brown On drums. liy the time we did. 'Houndhouse Lady," we had Snif" fer ~nge on the skins." Pat """ encbamed. He had nevcr imagined his errant grandfatber 10 be capable of such glory. And Glenn was hU111 bled and happy. perhaps happier than I had ever secn him. My father hated talking about his past- the povcny in the E:tst End. the service with tbe Royal Naval Commandos, the death and destmetioll of the war, the nincteen -yea,-old frkllds who lIever cam,... home. Hut Glcllli didll" fed the same way about his owll past- pl aying The Scmc as the Trolley Boys with Pele Townshend and Hog<:r Dallry inlbe audience. gening a big hit as the Trollies with "noundhouse Lady." mov_ ing om to tlw country with Maximum Troll to raord double eorHXpt albullls. Gknn could hudly shut up abom it. And I saw for the fn'st time that Glenn was as much a grandfalher to I'al as my own dad It waS ccrt.:liuly an .ltrTna,iw version of manhood that
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Gina's dad offered. Instead of the soldier, father and husband that my father had been, Glenn was musician, free man and artist. If you can call a former member of Maximum Troll an artist. We were late leaving Glenn's place. The pair of them had been so wrapped up in talking about music--or rather Glenn talked about music while Pat stared in wonder, sometimes saying, "You were on Top Pops, Granddad?"-that by the time we got to the car, we were in the middle of the rush hour. The car crawled south on the Finchley Road. In the end we decided to park, sit out the traffic for a while and get something to eat. We had an important date later that eveningPeggy was appearing in a play at her school-but we had plenty of time. At least that's the way it seemed. There was a little Japanese place in Camden Town. Thanks to his mother, Pat was an expert on Japanese food, adept with chopsticks and capable of putting away sashimi and tempura the way most seven-year-olds polish off a Big Mac. It was only when we went inside that we discovered we were in a Tepenyaki restaurant. This place wasn't about food so much as theater. All the seating was at big tables arranged around large metal grills with a space for a chef to do his stuff. These cooks strutted the restaurant like culinary gunslingers, bandy-legged as if they had just done ten days in the saddle, big white hats perched on the back of their heads and huge knives in lowslung holsters hanging by the side of their aprons. These chefs didn't just cook for you, they put on a show. Allover the restaurant they were dealing prawns and sliv-
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er<; of meat or vegetables onto t he sizz ling grills, speed_slicing them up. mixing them with rice. then flamboy:l1uly throwing jars of spices aud herbs in the air and C3tchiug them behind Iheir b1Ck. And 111 of it executed in 1 ligilining blur of spet'd. jusl like Tom Cruise in Col/un'!, but done wilh an extremely 1a'h'C chopper. But it took forever to evell get started. We had 10 wait for our table to iill up with othe r customers before the show could begin. [ looked at my watch. cakulating how late "'~ could leave Ih is placc and still make U 10 Pcggy's pl ay. Finally. when Our tablt waS fully occup,cd, a young Philippmo chcf b'Teeted us. 1l1eiodrarmtically whipped out his knife and started lossing foodswffs into the air. I-Ie must have been new lx'cause he kcpt dropping Ihiugs-a wayward prawn nearly took the eye om of a GCTman IOUTl.t- but Pat smiled enCOllTagemen\. The time ebbed away. and l'::It kept ordering more food to be thrown. sliced and sizzled. ~We really should make. mow, 1',,: [said. knowing that I didn't have Ihe heart to stop his fun. The young Tcpenyaki chef threw a jar of cinnamon into the air and came really. really close to catching it. I halfltcartedly join'-'d in the sympathetic applause. ~rm very hungry,- Pal ~aid, his eyes spar kling with woudu. Pat was green around Ihe gills by the time we reach~-d the school. ~I told rOll Uol to have tim third hdpingofsquid,- I !.:lid. TIre pl.y b.d al ready begu n . All .round tlK' assembly h.lI. prond plTcnts were fllnting a multicultural celebration di_ versity called The Egg. What did il have 10 do with Easler? A!; link.s possible. Children representing {he religiolls of the world wl'Te ill •
or
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stable where a papier-mache dove of peace had just been born. On the tiny stage, there was a little boy in a white sheet and a black beret, possibly representing a Shinto priest; a little girl in an orange beach towel with a pink swimming cap on her head, denoting baldness, who was definitely meant to be a Buddhist monk; and a child of indeterminate sex with a cotton wool beard and sandals meant to represent either Islam or Judaism or both. And then there was Peggy, her arms and legs sticking out of an old Pocahontas blanket, with a bath towel around her head, probably representing the Virgin Mary. I could see Cyd in the middle of a row, two empty seats beside her. I grabbed Pat's hand and we began inching our way toward her. Proud parents with digicams cried out in pain and tutted disapprovingly as we trod on their toes and banged against their knees. "Sorry, sorry," I whispered, as Pat moaned and groaned and clutched his stomach. On stage the play was reaching its climax. "What-is-this-strange-creature?" said the Shinto priest. "Where-has-it-come-from?" said the Buddhist monk. "What-does-it-mean-for-the-people-of-the-world?" said the child with the cotton wool beard. ''Where the hell have you two been?" demanded my wife. "Sssh!" One of the parents with a camera. "Sorry. I couldn't get him away from Glenn." "Glenn? That disgusting old punk?" ''And then we got stuck in a Tepenyaki restaurant." "SSSH!" We turned our attention to the stage. Cyd hissed at me out of the corner of her mouth. "You knew this was Peggy's special night. You knew it." "WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING, PLEASE?" Some old granny in the row directly behind us.
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Pat opened his mouth, leaned forward and quietly began to retch. Everyone on stage was looking at Peggy. The Buddhist monk in the orange beach towel and swimming cap. The Shinto priest in the white sheet and black beret. The bearded elder with cotton wool facial hair and sandals. All waiting for Peggy to say her line. ""What-does-it-mean-for-the-people-cif-the-world?" repeated the elder. "You're so selfish," Cyd told me, hardly bothering to keep her voice down. "All you care about is your son. Nobody else means a thing to you." "WILL YOU PLEASE-" Cyd swiveled in her seat. "Oh, change the record, granny." Peggy was staring out into the crowd, as if waiting for a prompt. Her mouth opened but nothing came out. Unlike Pat, who chose this moment to elaborately vomit over my lap. A voice of a kindly teacher came from the wings. "This bird means that all persons must live as one and ... " "And-Iove-one-another," mumbled the actors on the stage, gathering around their cardboard dove. Apart from Peggy, who was looking imploringly at her mother. As I cleaned up Pat and myself with a lone Kleenex, Peggy moved toward the edge of the stage, the towel around her head starting to unravel. I felt like calling out to her but it was too late. She raised her hand to shield her eyes from the footlights and, to the gasps of the audience, promptly fell off the little stage. "I'll never forgive you for this," said Cyd. Nobody was seriously hurt. Peggy's fall was broken by a group of first years sitting cross-legged in the front row. Pat immediately felt better after throwing up his Tepenyaki squid. Proud, happy parents and
grandparents enjoy,-..:l lea, biscuits and .f!Cr-show allllysis. IlUl Cyd aud I decid{'d that we didn't Ilttd to stick around for the social smff. As soon l S Pat Iud ix..-en cloned up a bit lnd Peggy's tell'S had dried. we apologized once again 10 the first years , Iheir PUt'Il{S alld th,' teachers .lId hcadt'd for the CaT park. my wife alld [ almost dragging onr child ren om of there. '"You just don't care. do you'" said Cyd, " If i!"s nothing to do with you and Pat. you just don't give . damn," ~Th al'S nOlune." ~ I t wa~ the squid what did u: said I'at, like a hopdeS/; drunk blarning il all on a bad pint. "Let's just go horne." I S-1id. although the thought of auotha nighl in my blended home filled me with despair. ~It would have oc,']] .l1 right if yon had be.,n here.- Cyd said. her eyes all weI. " If only you had cared enough to be here." "Harry?" A link voi('", my side. ~Yes. Peggy?" I bem down by her side. She whispered in my car. ~ I fucking hale you. Harry.An old lady wilh a camera around her neck sm iled at us. 'What a lovely hnle family,~ she said.
19
WE LAY IN THE DARKNESS, not touching, waiting
for sleep to come, although it felt a very long way off. "You spoil him," she said. She didn't say it in a spiteful way. It was almost gentle, the way she said it. "If you didn't spoil him so much, these things wouldn't happen." "Someone's got to spoil him. Who else is going to do it?
You?" "There was no need to stay so long with his granddad." "They haven't seen each other for ages. I don't know when they'll see each other again. They were having a good time." "I really wanted the pair of you to be there tonight. For Peggy. And me." ''You don't want him around. One lousy week he's with us. And it's too much for you." "That's not true. And it's not fair." "Do you know why I got married? Do you have any idea, Cyd? I got married so that my son could have a family. Isn't that a laugh? Isn't that the funniest thing in the world? Some family this turned out to be." 209
She didn't
.~y
anything. As though she
W~5
thinkiug it
over,
"I thought you gO! married oce.uS<': you wamed 3 family,
I-larry. You. A family for youn:elf Nor a family for Pal." -One ronen week, thll'. alL And il'. t()() mnch for you." We lay th<"r{" for a while in silence. II feh like we had .1tndy s:lid toO much. Aftct. bit I thought she waS .s!t{"p. BUI she wasn't sleeping at aIL ·We used to he cr.zy about each other. It wasn't long ago. We wcrt going fO givt each other SO much. Hemcmber.1I that, I-larry? I don', know whJl's happening to us. We nsed to be happy tOj,'Clher: It felt like she was going to reach out and fOuch me. But she didn't. And I didn't rcach out for her. W,' ju.t lay thnc 111 the darkn,' .., my wife and I, wond<"rmg how it ever had come '0 this. ·Sometimes I wonder why you rmrricd Ille," I said. It was true. I knew that we had both been lonely. I knew that thc sex was good, and wc could ,alk fO each other and that on most dJ~ she was a joy to be around. Um so what? She could have picked almost anyonc. Out of all the !,'uys in the ,...orld, why did she choose me? How did all this unhappiness ever stan? -I ftll in love with you: she Slid. "But why? That's the bit I don't get, eyd. I mcan it. Falling in lovc doesn't explain it. If yo II had looked around a hit, YOll could have fonnd someone with more mon<'Y, a bigger dick alld • milch nicer persunality." -I didn't w.m anyone tlse. I wanted you." "But why?" -Bec'ILSe you' re a good father" • • •
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In the garde n of the old house_ there was an air of real excitement. Wc wac excited because 1'3t was /lying back to America in
Ille morning. Jnd my mother Jnd r were dcsp!:rJlc to nuke every hour special. And we wCIT excited because it was the first really hoc day of the year. and I had stretched a long pi~"Ce of plastic sheeting down the length of the garden . whIch my mum hosed down until it w. s.s slippery as an ice rin k. But mostly tht" excitcmeut was because of Our wry spcrial guest. Bernie Cooper was wilh Us. As I heard Ihe pair of them happily jahbering upslairs as they changed 111\0 their SWimming mmks, [ ,,·alized thai I should h ..·,· arranged dm earlier in tht" wee k. iknlle Cooper and Pal should have spent more dun one day 10b'Clher. But I was so anxious for I'al to see my mum. and C~·d. and PeS/,'Y and evc n old Gknn. that I .Imost forgot to schedule time for the person he wanted to see most of all. So on tht" night before the last day, I called Ikrnie's parents and gol pennission to take hi", out to my mUlI'·s pbce. We wcre b'Oing to sec a movie, have a kicbbom in the park and go for a pizza. Bm the sun shonc as if it was alre ady SlImmer, and the two boys never le ft my mu",·s back garden. They spent the long hot afternoon ski ddiug aCross a wa ttrsoa k~-d piere of plastic. Bernie as dark as Pat was fair. fearless where Pat '",'IS carefnl~ Bernie sliding on his stomach. hunling down the strip of plastic and into til<" rose bushes-and loud where Pat was quiet. So different, and yet somehow perfect togelher. My mother and J w.tlrhed t hem for hours. their thin. wet limbs skiddmg across the garden. my mum occasionally hos-
ing down Ihe .heel of pla.lic, leHing them to be careful when Ihey cimered 10 the ground while.- runniug across wl'l grass 10 do it ~I l ova again, smiliug to herself as Ih ... boys almost nplodcd with lauglller. Bernie Cooper and Pat. scvcu yea~ old, and a day that Ihey wished could Lm forever. Alld I knl'" Ihal my son "tlUld make cehl" frimds. ht Connenicm.ln Ihc n("Vl' rwighborhood. At the big school. At collcb'<.'. I-Ie WaS a likahle boy, and he would always make new friends. Maybe never quite as good as Ih is one, maybe never quite as b..-xxi as Ikrnie Cooper, bm thcy would still oc real (ncnds. No maner how much it hun, Ikrme would haw to let hnn go. And SO would I. My mum cam e with us to thl' ,urport. Pat wok her hand when we got off the I-IC>1hrow Express. the tourists and businessrllcn swarming all around us. and it was almost as ifhe was taking care of her. rather th an the other way arollnd. When had Ihal changed? When had my rnllm occorne old? We found the Bri tish Airways desk and handed Pal ",'er to a smiling stewardess. She seemed b'Clmincly happy to s« him. People were like Ihat wilh Pat. Th ey were always happy 10 see him. An easy child to love. I crouched by his side at tht dtpmure gate alld kissed his face.tcllillg him Wt would sec each other again soon. lie nodded curtly. I-Ie wa,n'l afraid, he wasn't sad BUI he seemed a long way away, a., ifhe was already back in his olhe, life. My I11UI11 gave him a hug that squl·.:zed the breath om of him. Tire young wOlnan from British Airways took his hand. It was only then thaI my son seemed concerned ~ I I\ a long way 10 he said. "It will take me all nighlto get there." "JUSI reSI your eyes: s~id my mum.
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I remembered the day that I took Pat to see his grandfather in the hospital, when it was near the end and the breath wouldn't come any more and I thought that my father and my son should see each other one last time. The loss of our grandparents, I thought, that's the first time we understand that life is a series of good-byes. And as my son took the hand of the woman from British Airways, I wondered ifmy mum and Pat would ever see each other again. "As you know, the station has the highest regard for Eamon Fish," Barry Twist told me in the snug of the Merry Leper. That sounded like trouble. "He's funky. He's spunky. He's cutting edge," gushed Barry. "He's hot. He's cool. Research shows that, among highearning males in the eighteen to thirty club, he's the comedian of choice." "You wait until Eamon's back in Ireland to tell me all this?" Eamon was resting. I thought of him on a farm in County Kerry. He had been there for weeks now, where the mountains met the sea, and where there was no chance of Eamon meeting his cocaine dealer. The waiter came. "Glass of champagne. Two, Harry? Two. And some nibbles. Peanuts, rice crackers, potato chips." "Not for me." Too much salt in those things. Poison for your blood pressure. I had to worry about all that old-man stuff these days. And losing my job. I had to worry about that too. "We want to come back," I said, switching into producer mode. "Eamon Fish is the most important comic of his generation. Keeping him off air is a crime against broadcasting." "It's not quite that simple," said Barry Twist.
not?" 'Wl'll, our n'scarch sho~ uS also that a majority of highearning maks between twenty and forty iu th~ southeast quite like the fan tlllt Eamon has been-you know Resting. The adverti"",,, are no! qui!e so keell. The Big Six-beer, cars, SQft dnnks, sporting equipmem, personal grooming and fiuancedon't wam to be associa!<.-d with SOll1eOlic who was so T,'cently, , . exhausted: "Speak English, damn you.~ ~The Colombian mardnng powder, The Charli<.-, The hokcy-cokt-y, It's changed E:tmon's lInagt', kid, 1·1e used to be this lovable Irish rogue with a taste for wcather girls. Now hc's nOt quitc SO lovable. And not quite so hot.' I-Ie tos«,d a paper on the table between ns. "Yon "",e dllS thing in th,' T"''''~I.' Evelyn Blum on Eamon Fish. Actually it's a piece about the death of the new comedy: -Evel yn Hlunt's a wanker.'" bitter, twisted hack who lutes the world OC"C31I"'" he never quue made it as a-what w>s it he wanted to be? A novelist? A human belllg?" "I quite like Evelyn Blum. Il c's waspish. hc's irrevcrcm, he's oon troversial: !-Ie (orag<>d around in a bowl of nibbles. ~Any tos.pot with a PC call make a minor splash and six fib'ures by being waspish, irre\'crcllt and oon tTO,'<.-rsi.!." "Six figuTrs? Ikally? That's not bad. I mC;ill, his column can't take him very long, can it?~ "!-Ie', always had it in for Eamon. Jealous twa!. What did the (at, oily bastard writ<., tins time?" Barry Twist wiped th<.- crllmh'l from his fingers and pili on hIS reading glas ses ~ 'For" .~"aQ/;oo' of comcd;"OIS ,,·hose {"ret'S art Teud;"J<jaster I/!a .. their h.lirlillfS-· • ~That's rich. Evelyn llIum is no 011 p~mting. It's always the ~Why
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ugliest fuckers who are always going on about someone's physica l appearanc... ." • '- E,mwlI Pish uUS /I" poJltr bqy of wllj"g-Wgr, sla"d-up (Om(dy. niH "OU! Fish is "ffSlill.~. ~ Th{ f'!1?f u dull. Alld I/I( rOilri".~ '''')'S cf 0r.."-IIIil,, ,,(~Iu 1"SI {au', make il 'MIld_up Ih. ,,'ar r/",>, did war ruck iu thr uintli".· Then he sl.ns gl"lling pc1>On.1. He.dline-WAITER, THERE'S" FISH IN A STEW." "Those that can-do: J said. "Those that can't lx""ome ir_ 'everent cri lics - How is the lad? Doing well? Chilling out?" - He's allxious to get back. to work. To get back to his show." "The show." Barry's eyes roomed the Merry Leper, He ,",aved halfht'arted ly at SOIllCOll<" he knew. "Of course, of course "Is there a problem?" "No prob\ern. JUSI a slight change of plan ,' He let the words hang between us. -You' re dropping Fish 0" Friday?' Barry laughed Jt tire very idea , "No. no. no, no. no: he said, Then he looked sheepish. ,y~'S." "Christ. Barry. T hat show is Eamon's life." I also thought- and Illy livelihood. I thought of the money I sem to Gina. the money for l';ot. the bills at home and wondered what 1 wou ld do if our slrow wem down the toikt. Perhaps Marty Mann had been right . J was stupid to tnlst so much in just one I",,,on. WIlen it all goes wrong. what have yOll got left? Monog:llny brt·.ks your fuckillg hean. 'We remain commim'd 10 E:lmon. But afl("f ren'n! events. all to do with his ravenous little nose. we no longer see Eamon a~ talk_show materi al. We see him as something a bit more . Street. Slightly mOrc ... youth. Bringlllg tlu" drama,.s it were. Busting a cap aud SO on. We wam hun to cohosllVul...J n brlJ.·
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''What's Wicked UVrld when it's at home?" ''Well, cohost, actually. With Hermione Gates." "That airhead with the tattoos who's always at some launch party showing her drawers?" Barry nodded enthusiastically. "That's Hermione. Isn't she great? Very hip. Spunky. With a post-girl power sort of vibe." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "She does show her drawers a lot, doesn't she?" ''And WICked UVrld? What is it? Some harebrained mix of inane chat and bad music for pissed students who are just back from the university bar who want to gorge themselves on borderline obscenity for an hour before they collapse in a stupor?" "That's the general idea," said Barry. "It's made by Mad Mann Productions. Your old pal, Marty Mann. Their star is in the ascendant, Harry. Marty's got a whol",raft of programs on air this season. The reality TV thing, Six Pissed Students in a Flat, is back with a bang. And he's got that new dating game, Dude, Where's My Trousers? And that quiz show, Sorry, I'm a Complete Git. Marty's also doing our new late night cultural review-Art? My Ass!" "Up my ass? What kind of a title is that?" "Not up my ass. Art? My Ass! Harry. Art? My Ass! It's irreverent, topical, cutting edge." He saw the look on my face. "Just run it past him, will you? The WICked UVrld thing. Time moves on. I know young men like Eamon-and you, Harry-imagine that TV is always going to be there for them. But it doesn't work like that. The world keeps turning. New faces are coming up all the time. Television is a good mistress but a bad wife." I was about to launch into my defence of Eamon-he had cleaned up his act, he was far too good to present late-night
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rubbish designed to ingratiate itself to drunken thiekoswhen over Harry's shoulder I Saw Cyd C01!1<.' into the M<.'rry Leper. She was not ~lone, Luke Moore Iud a proprietorial lrm around my wife's waist lS he steered her throngh the bar and into the restanrant at the back. Thet<' waS solnt"thmg diffnent .bom her. I thought. And then I ,..,alized. She looked happy_ I (cit a stab o( pa", when I remembered she used to look like th.t when she waS by my side. The miXlllre of prid/:" and happiness yon fed when yon haw fonnd the one yon have be:en looking for, And suddenly I knew that I didn't nlarry her just for the sake of my son , I married Cyd b<x.usc [ WaS crazy about her. Beeansc J loved her. The man from tilt' TV station stifled a yawn. "Tha!"s the thing about the modern world: he told me. ·Sooner or later, we all gCt droppcd,~ WIlen I got home Sally was sb::ping on the sofa. A mop o( dyed blonde l!lir, ru~'Y jeans, and a discreet navel ringjust visible under her cropped T ·sh irt, The girl Ill"XI door, What made Sally sli ghtly different from the ave rage ruby_siner was that her own baby was sleeping on the rug in from oflh<.' fin'. I'fL"t'ions was on her ruck. wearing Gap Kid pajamas. her an". raised level with her ears. like a pint_sized wcightli fter. She looked a lot bigger than I remembered. butthcn she mmt h",t" been two years old .Ir<.'ady. And [ realiz~..-i tlm soon I would Ix- <.'X3C1ly like one ofthosc old wrinkhes whu b'Ot on my nerves all the time when J was growing up. saying dren 't r<''' .'?tttin.~ b(~? And the kid will think_stupid old git. that Uncle Harry. Sally woke up. rubbing her ty<.'s and smiling.
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"Peggy went down well," she said. "It's very quiet without Pat." "How do you do it, Sally?" She scooped up her sleeping daughter, started fussing with her wispy hair. "How do 1 do what?" "Precious. Bringing her up on your own. How do you manage it?" ''Well, my parents are great. Like your mum with Pat. And you know what it's like. You looked after Pat by yourself for a bit, didn't you? It's not so bad." "I did it for a while. You're doing it for life. It must be hard without-what's his name? Steve?-pulling his weight." "I'd rather be on my own than with some useless bastard of a man," said Sally, rocking Precious in her arms. "Like her fat-arsed father. No arguments. No bitching about who does what. Just me and my girl. The single parent answers to no one. Tell you what 1 like about it, Harry?" She kissed the fluff on Precious's head. "It's uncomplicated." 1 remembered the time that Pat and 1 had been on our own, after Gina had gone to Japan to find herself, to get her life back, but before Cyd and 1 had begun. For all the support I had received from my parents, 1 had often felt like the last line of defense between my son and all the dark stuff in the world. Sometimes 1 felt lonely and afraid. And yet 1 remembered it as a happy time in my life. Pat and 1 together, just the two of us-1 sort of missed those days. Because Sally was right. It was uncomplicated. 1 was taking a shower when Cyd came home. She stuck her head around the shower curtain and gave me her goofY grin. "Room for one more inside?"
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She looked ~s though she'd had a drink or m'o, I thought of my wife with Luke Moore at the back of th~ Merry leper, Wlty hadn't she told me tltat she was meeting that creep? WllJ{ WJ.S she trying to hide" J a;mld he ar her humming to herself as she slipped out of her dothes. Sht sct'nll"d happy and playful, a slightly drunk woman coming Iwnw to her husband with a dear conscieuct. I turned my face to the sho,",er head and let the hot water beat against my face . Cyd stepped into the shower with m,". her long. sl im body pressing a!l"ins! "'t". I felt myself respond immediatcly. J couldn't deny it to myscif. I still fancied her like mad. "]-10 ho ho: she said. Boy. she was rcally tipsy. "Are yon just pk~scd to see nl<" or is that a large er""tion? Come on. g;"'" me that soap." She worked up some suds and started lathering her limbs. Then she tUrlK-d her attention to me, sooping Illy back. It was dIligent rather than sexy-the work of a woman u><-"d to cleaning a child-but I was soon bone hard. I turned to face her. her wide-set eyes squinting in the spray, black hair plastered to her shoulders. " In the shower,· she laughed. "We haven't done this for age., have we?" "How was your evcllillg'" "Fine.• "Sorry. who did you say YOll were seeing'" "Oh,jllst these t\VO ,"comen who do the caterin g for some blue chip curpor.nions in the City. W,' JUSt had a couple of drinks and b'fabbcd SOTlle supper ill the MtTry Leper. Pat get off oby'" "A couple of women.)'Ou .... y? She closed her q'(S and moaned. gripping 111'" like a hand brake about to be, relea.sro .
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I broke away from her, pushing the shower curtain aside and grabbing the nearest towel. ''What's wrong? Harry?" I furiously dried myself, soap all over my back, my wife's lovely face all wet and confused. I wished I didn't find her beautiful. I wished I didn't want her so badly. I wanted it to be over, so that all this feeling would stop. "There's not enough room in there for me," I told her, tossing the towel at the laundry basket and leaving her to shower alone. And I saw that our marriage was a lot like the London Eye, that giant Ferris wheel on the south bank of the Thames. Even when everything appeared to be perfectly still, even when nothing at all seemed to be happening, it was up there in the darkness, turning, turning, in motion all the time.
20
"KEEP IT Sllvll'lf: Eamon s.:Iid. "Thafstlw first thmg
they lell you in AA. All the lying'l1ld the funning around will neWT do you lily good. Jf you're evcr going to gd wel l, you h,ve to keep it ,impk. Harry." Ikfoft> us the land stretched oUl like. postcard ofCounty
Kerry. A still silver lake was the only break in miles of sweetsmelling moorland that ran all the way 10 where the rocks of the mountains finally met the 5." , That sea looked CHonnOllS, lS though it wcnt on not to America, but to the end of the
world . Eamon Iud warned 111(' lha l the tourists W{'fc trampling all OVer hi, homeland, S<,."eking that peculiarly Irish brand offun known as ril. (m;{ in every pub, a bit of Cehic mysticism uouud {'wry comer. and girls who looh-d lik.- the Corrs a1
{'v{'ry bed and breakfast. lim th<.' only sign oflif<.' [ s.:IW in all of this wild, rugged bndscape was a comedian who had put on a few pounds since the lasr rime I s.aw him. "They wall! to drop rhe show, Eamon. I know this 'SIl't the OCSt time to tell you, but I ca,,'t help it. The drugs scared 2..!r
them. If you had just heen bomhed out of your skull it would he anuthrr matter. T hey could It3vt pasS<.""d thai off 3S j3ck-d,,·lad 3mics. Thcy Ihink thalakohol abuS<."" is CUlt. It would have b'Onc down well with all the booze advertisers. But drugs arc som~lhingelse.~
"]"111 Out? Jusllih· th.I?*Thcy·rt: nOI boontS to recomntission l'iJ/, Q" I'n'day. Th,"), want yon to eoprestnt some late-night zoo . rv... ",.". I-J.i>rld, ifs ealltd. You and Hermione Gates." - H er who·s a]"'":IYS showing hcr d"wers?-Th.t\ thl:' one.He thought about it for a while. Tht sweet-smelling gr~ss scrunched under my brand new Timherland hoots. "And what about yon. Harry? Arc you coming with me? ]"m uot doing 1I if they dou·1 w.nt you.I was louch~-d that £:omoll would think of Ille. But it hadn't crossed Illy mind that the maktrs of a funky. spunky show like [V...krd World would want an unfunk1" unspunk1' producer likc me. I always assumed that they would want some young hotshot with jeans so low tha! you could SCI:' his pierced scrowln, -Do,,·{ worry aoout me,- I thought of the money that I sent to Gina for l'at, the money that Cyd and I rdied on for our rnongab'l:. "]"[[ oc finl:'.We w31ked down into a shadowy dip itt till:' land and came III' into sun light on a small rise. In the distance. just heforc the brac ken gave ""'yto the rocks by the sea. there was a small farm_ hOllS<:. It hadn't Ix....·ll allyon<··s 11011"" sinn· the potatO faminc. bm it had ocen an authemica[[y nlSlic holiday home evcr since Ireland Iud heoome a place thai people came to, ralher than left. This Iu d hecn £:omon·, home the last month . And now a taxi "'":IS appro.ching it On the winding p<"nin5uJ. road.
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be him: Eamon sai d. "Evelyn mum:
We watched the ta.:,i. "Arc you sure you w31l1 to do Ihis, Eamon? You don't have 10 ul k to Ihi~ guy" ~ Itrust mUll! alXlllt as far as I can ejaculate." ~Tlm
far'-
" But hc's alrcady calkd mt every diny naTllc undn the Siln. What else cau he do to me?" The imerview had Barry Twist's brainwave Twist bclicn'd th.t the public lovt"d the idca of a siuner evenrua lly seem!; the trrOr of his ways . The folks out there would forgive you anytbing. Barry reckoned, as long as you didn't look as though you had actually enjoyed any of it in the fi~t place. It was no lonl,,,,r enough for someone to dry out. they had to b... se.· ... u to haw dncd out. The world had an end less taste for public repentance. Evelyn Blunt. the poison pen in Eamon's side ror so long, had bt...,n invitt'd to do tht" imen.·,ew bcnuse his paper was thought to have an influt"ntial circulation-that is, p<.·oplc in the lm·di. read it, the opinion fonllc~ who would decide if this comeback WaS a succe ss-while Blunt himself was writing lon ger, more thoughtful ft"arures these daY", as he attt"mpted to make the trau sitiou from his spitefu l little hatchet jobs to solm.·thing more like real writing. mum had f.iled as a TV presenter. novelist and talk-radio jock. It was inevitable that sooner or latt"r he would haw a 1,'0 at being ajournalist. We Came down tI,,· hill to tht" farmhouse.' as till" ta.,
Ix...,,,
hi, wild YOUlh. H~ wasn't alone. There was a young woman with him. The photographer. I couldn't See her face as the taxi driwr helped lwr haul Out black nylon blgs full orJiglm. film lnd tripod from [he trunk of his cah. Then she straightened up, looking at the land as she pushl"!. ""il ufblack hair uut of her f.ce. And I Saw her. K3ZlIIn;. We wcre at the farmhouse !lOW. Blunt took Eamon's hand and pumped it as though he hadn't really been using my friend as a punch bag fur the last twu years. Kazul1li .nd I stared at each uther. Then she nodded at the Atlantic. "I..ook.~
Many mile. out to sea, a Slom, was coming in. Huge black rulling cluuds ,",er<' swecping toward th" coast, but they sn·ml..! so far away that it felt like w<·.thn ",,,u in. dr<·.m. "Ah that's a long ways out.~ Solid Eanton. Iii. Kerry accent was alway. a lot thicker once )'ou got him out of Soho. "We don't run fnr cover around here. We haw a nap and then we run for cover." But Kazumi had already b'One, clambering over the jagged rocks with" camera swinging around her neck. We watched her crouch on the rocks and start taking pictures of the com_ ing storm. ~Swcet little Knurni: Solid Evelyn Blum. "rm in thnc tonight." It wa",'t until Eamon had becn
corncr~..!
in the toilets by a gang of English tOuT1Sts in ManchestCT United soccer logo shirts and Evelyn Blu1tI had chrnlx'd on th", table to show us hIS Riverdance TOutine that Kawmi and J Iud a chance to be alone. "So did Londoll work Out for yun?" I shouted OWT the pub
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band's spirited version of Van Morrison's, "Real Real Gone." She tapped her ears. I liked the way they stuck out a bit. I liked it quite a lot. "Can't hear," she said, sipping her Guinness. "Are you getting much freelance work? Have you worked for the Trompet before?" She smiled, shook her head and touched those sticky-out ears. It was true. The noise in here was deafening. I realized I could say what I liked to her. "I said-I'm so happy to see you. You look gorgeous. I think you're lovely. I am so glad you walked into my life. I think I'm losing my mind." She smiled politely. A laughing German tourist in a Glasgow Celtic shirt smashed into our table. He was clapping his hands and stamping his feet as Blunt jigged around with his arms so stiff by his sides that they could have been tied there. "These crazy Irish," said the German. "They have such a good time, no?" "He lives in Hampstead," I said. "Hampstead in Londen. " "Crazy, crazy Irish." A cheer went up as the band, a bunch of crusty-looking hippies who resembled extras from Braveheart, tore into Van Morrison's "One Irish Rover." Blunt went up a gear. A coach load of Italians arrived, swelling the pub to overload. They placed their orders for Guinness with the redhaired student behind the bar. Blunt stubbed his toe on a large glass ashtray and began hopping around on one leg, grimacing in agony. The tourists applauded excitedly, mistaking his injury for part of the official floorshow. The German tourist nodded knowledgeably. "Music is
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very important to the Irish. Boomtown Rats. Thin Lizzy. U2. It's in their soul." He climbed onto the table with Blunt. Eamon came back. He looked up at Blunt and the German, shaking his head. "Will you look what happens when they watch Titanic one time too many?" A tray of pints was placed on the table and, trying to upstage the German, who was doing a basic acid house dancearms waving, feet planted, the antithesis of the common or garden Riverdance-Blunt attempted to execute an advanced Lord of the Dance leap across the stout. That's when he fell off the table and landed face-first in an Australian tourist's cheese-and-tomato toastie. Eamon sipped his mineral water and smiled at Kazumi. My spirits dipped. Eamon wasn't going to try to sleep with her, was he? The drugs had replaced the girls in his life. But now the drugs were gone. Then the band got stuck into "Brown Eyed Girl" and the whole place was up on their feet. A handsome young Italian approached Kazumi and asked her if she wanted to dance. Suddenly Evelyn Blunt was between them, his red face scowling and a slice of tomato hanging from one sweaty brow.
eye-
"She's taken, mate."
They eventually threw us out. The visitors were willing to go right through till dawn, but the young red-haired bartender had to get up for his IT course at college in the morning. So the four of us walked back along a rutted country road where the only light was the twinkling canopy of stars and the only sound was the roaring boom of the sea. That and the tourists throwing up in the bus parking lot.
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It was hard to sleep in that little farmhouse by the bay. The night winds whipped off the Atlantic and made the ancient timbers of the farmhouse creak and groan like a ship tossed on a stormy sea. And it was freezing-my M&S pajamas were supplemented with an old Fish on Friday T-shirt and thermal socks, and I still shivered under the wafer-thin cover that was there for the summer trade. But tonight it wasn't the cold or the noise that kept me awake. It was the thought of Kazumi huddled beneath the sheets of the little room at the top of the house. That's what truly kept me from sleeping. And that's why I was awake when she knocked on my door at three in the morning. She was wearing tartan pajamas. That girl liked her tartan more than any Scot I ever knew. She was also wearing chunky socks and a woolen hat. It must have been even colder at the top of the building. I blinked at her, uncertain if this was a dream. Then she spoke. In a whisper, as if afraid of waking the house. "Sorry," she said. "It's okay. What's wrong?" "Problem in room."
I followed her across the darkened living room and, carefully, up a short ladder to the top of the farmhouse. Evelyn Blunt was lying on his stomach across her bed, mouth agape and drooling, snoring loudly. "Said he went to toilet and got the wrong room coming back," she said. We looked from the drunken hack to the rickety ladder that you needed to climb to enter this room. Nobody gets as drunk as that, I thought. "Big fat liar," Kazumi said. "Did he-did he hurt you at all?"
She shook her pretty head . "Grabbed my hot w~tcr bottle alld tl1l'lI ftll aslttp. I can't wake him up." "]"11 try." I shook his shouldn. "Wah- up. Blunt. you 're ill [he wrong room. Wake up. YOll SWCdty fat blSldrd." He mo.:med • bit ~nd held my hand to hi. check. , look of incbri.tt·d ecstasy passillg across his bloated feall1T<·'. It waS lIu usc. I cou ldn't stir him. ""You can have my room: I told her. "I'll sleep on the couch." "Nu. no, no." " It's not . problem. Itc.l1y. Gu un. You take my ruom." She looked at me for a momellt. "Or we could-you know_ share your room" In the "Icnce yuu cuuld h<'ar the sea .maslung ag:nnst the shure. "Yes."l ~id. "We could always do thai." As .hy as ""'0 five-ycar-olds on Ollr first day al school. we made our way back to my room. Then we quickly jump<-rl into opposite sides of the bed, .nd Illy hupeful hean soared. although I knew that she waS driven not by passion, but by the possibil ity of hypothermia. I lay on my back. with Ka7umi turned away from me. I could hear my breathing, f<..,1 her body wamnh, ~nd wheu I cOllldll't stand it any1l10r.... I reached Out and lightly touched h<."T ribs, fttling tit .... brushed cotton of her tman pajamas on the palm of my hand. -No. Harry.- she ..id., bit sad. bill not moving. I took Illy hand 'w:ly. I did,,'t want to be hke Blunt. WhatevCT tlse I was. I d idn't want to be that kiud of m.u. ~Why not?" -You've got, wife and SOll.-It's a bit mOre complicated than that.-
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other rea50ns.~ ~Likt what?" I tried OUI a little laugh. "'kcause you're not tliat kind of girl? I know you' re not that kind of girl. That's why I like YOIL so much." "I like you too. You're nice.~ "You do?" "Yes. You'", funny and kind . And 10m·ly." ~londy' Am I'" "Ilhink 50, yes .~ "Then whafs wrong?" "YOU'fl' nOllhat kind of man: She rolled on her back and looh'
against her, two layers of pajamas between her bottom and my erenion. J pm my free U1l1 aroulid her waist and pulled hn d ose. She lifted Illy arm. placed a chaste kiss on Illy wrist. lnd sqneezed my lund. We Slopped ulking. lnd for a long time I listened to the winds whipping off the Atlantic, the old farm huuse cR'akilig in the night and till" soft suulId of her breathillg. And as Kazumi slept in my arms. I w(lndered how you keep a life simple. Do y<.lu keep It simple by suying where you are? Or by staning all Over agalll?
21
SHE WAS GONE WilEN
I AWOKE.
I co uld hear ,-oic's down on the rocky little ocach, From the windo ....· I saw Ka7.llmj ~I rcady up ~nd laking her pictures of Eamon. H uddled up mside a red fleece, he ,truck his carefully ca -
sual pose_staring moodily
OUI
to
sea, suring moodily
strai!;!!! at the cama •. staring moodily at (WIlling in p3Tlicu[,,-wh,[e she mowd around him, briskly chck_dicking her
way through another TulL changing film, murmuri ng ""trlle_ lions and ellcourag<·IIIcm. A Japanese person with a camer... I thought. One of the diehes of the modern world. T he snapping hordes mindiessly documenting every tourist site in the world, an d then getting back un the bus. But as [ w:l lchcd Kazumi taking hu phorogr..phs or Earn,," On the willd-lasl,cd !>tach by Dingle lIay. it seemed 10 me Ihll [hi s young woman w ith her camera WaS possessed by insat;able curios;ty for this world and everything III it, and [fdr an enOrmOuS surge of rcndcrness for her and
her Camera. P/r.u/I/.r Jlft/;,,!! "'''''''11110 ",main. she had told nW 231
some poet ... id of photography. And th.t'. wh.t she W:lS doing. l'kl,hng the neeting mornerH to remain. By the time I w:lS wasltL-d and dressed. Eamon and IUZllnti Iud moved farther down the beach. She mnst have thought that she had images she needed. beeau,"" now they were work_ ing mOre sluwly, trying things OUI. She crouch,·d on the kclpstrewn rocks while E:lmon slowly strolled toward her. hattds stuffed inside his pockets. staring_ I guess you would call it moodily-at a point just .bove her lovely head. And although it filled me with regret to admit It. I thought that pCThaps she waS right after all. Sn; laSI "'gilt would n01 have been wise. A one-nigh t sl~lld with Kuumi would ha"e been a big mistake. Becanse one night with this woman "'QuId never be enough. And what did that !nean? What did it mean whcn om'night W1S not enough? It meant all alTair. I had worked with enough married men who ,,'cre conducting affairs to know th.t they wcr,' hard work. Tlte ollc-way telephone communications, the constant fear of discovery. the guilt. dtc amiety. the tears at Christmas and New Years whcn home and hearth were calling. thc feel_ ing of being constant ly and forevcr tOnto And the lying. It couldtt't be dom' withom the lying. I wasn't tlte titan for all of th.t. I didn't have the heart. couldn't do it to Cyd. Or myself Or KazllIni At least that's how I felt in the light or day wilh Kalumi fifty meters away. nut wrapP"d up in tart:lt' pajanu s and myarms. I had been true 10 my wife . I had done the right thing. So w hy did I feci so miserable? Thrre waS a low, mournful mooing by my sidl". h waS Blnnt. grcm around tht gdls and still bnl10mng his shirt. A
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muted belch esc.ped his lip •. Hi s face was covered in • thin film of Swtat. "Must have b'Ot a bad pint." he said. wandering off down to Ihe lx:ach to where Kazulll i WlS taking a final few shols of E:unon. And 1 didn't w.nt to tx· so stuck un this yuung wOman I hardly Im ew. Cyd was mOre than my \Vif,' and my 10vCT. She waS my best friend. At least uutil the other man camc into our lives 1 rememocred the mOments that measured out Our luve. Cyd md I had h.d Our share uf good times. Looking 31 the lights by Ihe Thamcs, thc first night we ever spen t tog<:ther. last Christmas day wheu evcrylhing struc k us .5 hilariQus. from Ibiza DJ Brucie Doll', tiny turnuble. 10 my nmm's ap palled "xprcS5ion as she inSnltd Ihe stuffing up the turkey's rcu end. But what had really forged the bond belwecn us wcrc the othe r time., the bad times, the times of illn ess, se par.l tiou and death. My son in the hospital, 1m he.d split open fro m a fall in tile park. Tile wrenching sadness of my divorce from Gilta. My dad fightiug the c.ueer he could Hever beat. Cyd was there for me through all of that, and [ knew she cared about me in a way that nobody else in the world did. But now it fd t like 1 waS losing my wife, aud finding a gap in my life tll31 Kazumi was fill ing, eV("u ifshe didn't wam co. That gap the size of a family, and the shape of a heart. Om" night I had cooh·d ditmC"T fur til<" four uf us. Cyd . nd
me, I'q~,'Y and I'at. Since [ married Cyd. my rooking skills had atrophied. But I thought I would do il one night. Do it for the f~mily.
Tht fuur of uS wcre sining arollnd the tabk's points of the compass. At the stan Cyd .nd 1':1.1 had made a good job uf
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feigning enthusiasm for my cooking, even if what Peggy said sounded spiced with sarcasm. "Spaghetti Bolognese, Harry. Mmmm, 1 can't wait!" "Hah! You might have to, Peg!" There was sometimes a sickening jollity in the exchanges between my stepdaughter and mysel£ "Make sure the pasta is al dente, will you?" she advised imperiously. "I don't like it too soft. You do know what 1 mean by al dente, don't you?" 1 stirred my bubbling meat-and-tomato sauce at the stove, my smile stiff with tension. ''You know you have to essentially treat it like a stew, don't you?" Cyd said gently. "It takes a long, long time simmering that amount of meat." "Please," 1 said, trying to keep it friendly. "My tum to cook tonight, okay?" 1 cooked spaghetti Bolognese. Spag Bog. Can't go wrong. 1 used to cook this stuff all the time when Pat and 1 were living alone. But for some reason 1 had it in my head that spaghetti Bolognese was a quick dish to prepare. 1 thought it took as long as-I don't know. As long as it takes them to bring it to you in a restaurant. But 1 was wrong about spaghetti Bolognese, just as 1 have been wrong about so many things. Mter an hour or so, Peggy was impatiently tapping Lucy Doll Secret Agent against the table. Pat was gawping at the remote control in his fist, as if waiting for a sign. And Cydafter asking me really nicely if 1 minded-was doing her tax return. And still 1 stood at the stove, stirring the sauce that was taking inexplicably longer than any restaurant. 1 thought that maybe it wasn't spaghetti Bolognese that 1 cooked so quickly and so easily for Pat and mysel£ Maybe it was spaghetti pesta. Yes, that was it. Spaghetti pesta was one that was done in minutes. You just opened the can and chucked it on the pasta.
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!t was simple and tasty. Green spaghetti, my son had called it. Now. twO yeus 011 fTOm the days of grttll spaghetti. he dropped his relllOte cumroi. It dattned agaillst the woodell floor. "Wlmops: he said, smir king around the tahle. looking for supportive langhter. Peggy and Cyd ignored him. I picked up the remot<- and angrily smffed it illside my apron pocket. "Stop thUlking about TV for five milllltes of your life> will yon?~
My son's chin ocgan to tTCmble. a Snre sign that he waS fighting back teaTS. l'CSb'Y sighe d elabora!dy. "PI('(Jst tIlay I leave the tahle now?" she said. "I atll ,~')' busy tonight." "Wait a little while longer." Cyd said, not looking np from her accounts. -You can go and b",r Brune D oll S<'(fet Ageut if you want. I Ie can t:tlk to Lucy Doll abom their mission while we 're waiting for I·h,!)'." "Yeah. <>verybody jnst wall a little while lonb"->r," I said. furiously stirring my meat sauce, -Lucy Doll"s costume change Call waitlllllil after dinner." "Well!- said 1'c~'Y. 'S
too," ",id Pal. ~I'm a vegetable too. Can I watch TV now? Dudr, Il1rrrl"J My Tnmsus? is on soon.~ I wanted a mealth.t would make us fed like a rcal family. Tlut's 111 Not mUch to lsk for. And nuybe tlut's eXJ.ctly Whl! lachiewd. Because by tlw time my spagh etti Bolugrwse waS ready. nom- of us were talking 10 each other. ~Me
Eamon was walking toward me Hilmt and Kazumi werc still down On the beach. He waS say",s som"'hing to her while scratching his distendrd Ix:-lIy. She waS shaking her head and packing away her equipmenL Th ey began making their way blCk to the farmhouse, Blunt making no attempt to hell' Kazurni carry her equipmenc. ~ Guod mgll! last night?" Eamun said. "Nothing happened." "Hey, who arn I to cast the first stone? Whlt you j,'Ct up to on a hnsiness trip is none of my business." ~Ime.n it, Eamon. Nothing happencd." ·Sort of like Ta1l1ric sex. you mun?· "Nothing happened." Nothin g happened and everythin g happen<-'r rathe r, if we had not JUS! slept tngether_ there would have been a shyness het'veen us now Or, far worse, • false intimacy that we hadn't really earned.
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But we walked on the beach, away from the farmhouse where Blunt was interviewing Eamon, and there was no postcoital awkwardness between us. We had spent the night in each other's arms, but that was all we had done. Walking on that rocky beach, the clouds whipping in off the sea, the first of the day's tourist coaches creeping around Dingle Bay; felt like the most natural thing in the world. "I hope the pictures are okay," Kazumi said. "This is my first job for them. The photo editor is-how to say?-a tough old bitch. She doesn't give you second chances." "The pictures will be fine. You're a brilliant photographer." She gave me a smile. "Smooth talk." "No, not smooth talk. I've seen your photographs. You took pictures of my son." "Of course," she said. "Pat." I liked it that she could see my boy's spark. That she could tell he was special. I really liked it quite a lot. ''Will I see you in London?" She stopped and stared out to sea. Another storm was coming in, the clouds bigger and blacker than they had been yesterday, rolling and tumbling low above the surf-skimmed Atlantic toward the shore. It was coming in quickly. Eamon's folk wisdom-that you could have a pint of Guinness and listen to the Corrs greatest hits before a storm arrived-looked increasingly like a load of old bollocks. "Kazumi?" ''What's the point?" "The point?"
"If we see each other in London, what's the point?" She abruptly took my left hand and pulled at my wedding ring. "Doesn't come off. You see? Not so easy." ''We haven't done anything wrong."
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"Not yet."
"I'll meet you on Primrose Hill. Right on the top where you can see the entire city. Sunday morning. About ten?" The rain started to fall. We were a long way down the beach now. The farmhouse was disappearing in a sudden shroud of sea mist. "This way," she said, breaking into a run. I followed her to a broken down little shed with a rotting row boat outside. The door was unlocked. Inside was dark. It smelled of tobacco and kelp. It was some kind of abandoned fisherman's hut. Either that, or a holiday home for a family of affluent Germans. We were both soaked through to the skin. I thought perhaps that this was the bit where we would take off our sodden clothes and fall into each other's arms. But she just sat shivering on the kitchen table and fussed over the camera that she had slung around her neck, examining it for damage. I stood at the little window, watching the fog come in, hearing but no longer seeing the waves crash against the rocks. I was cold inside my damp clothes but then a pair of arms were wrapping around me from behind, hugging me hard, bringing the warmth that I needed. This is what it is, I thought. Nothing more. Just two animals, huddling together on the west coast ofIreland. Looking for a little comfort. Doing nothing wrong. "I'm not going to Primrose Hill." "Okay." "Not on Sunday morning." "Fine." "Not ever."
''All right then." Somehow I had turned around and faced her, and she was tilting her head, lifting it toward me. Then I kissed her, and I
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saw her brown eyes close, and open, shining in the misty twilight, the rattle of the rain on the roof, and I felt the heat of her body through the dampness of her clothes, and I tasted the sea on her lips. This is what it is, I thought. Two cold, wet creatures shivering in the fog. That's all. Don't turn it into something that it's not, Harry. And I thought of Gina, and also of Cyd. I had lost the two best friends I ever had by having sex with them, by marrying them, by trying to make it last forever. Kazumi and I were never going to get that far, and it was probably just as well. But I knew that I would keep this moment forever. I would lock it away and take it out when the world was hard and lonely. This was enough. Primrose Hill was too much to hope for.
22
WilEN [ ARRIVED HOME thcr<'w>s,n.lrmailt'nvt'-
lope on the welcome mat. My name and address in Gina', neal. elegant handwriting, And msidc, a phowgraph-a man, woman and chIld standmg by a white picket fcnce in dazzhllg sunshine. Pat "':os al the from of the pi clUre, in faded PhanlOm Mma(f T-shirt
and shorts. squiuting in the light Gina was right behind him. one hand rai,,--d against the SlIn, the other lightly resting 011 our SOil'S shoulder. She WH thinner than [had ever S~'C11 her,
wearing SOUle worn sweatshin wilh the sleeves pulled up. Bm for .11 the years and whatc\'{'T lin troubles ill h<.'T new hfe, she still had that radiant heanty dUI I had fallen in love with: she still had those looks dllt she didn't rcally like YOll 10 talk abom. Then there waS Rich nd, this lIW) 111y ex-wife had rnarrk-d. slanding ro one ~ide , unsmiling, ha lf1o~( in rhe shado,,>'S or" ~ white daphoard house_ I-Ie didn'r look happy_ I-Ie h.d (he look of an exparriate who had n:run1l'd home, but nOt in trIumph.l3ur what did I know? He had married my forrncrwife,
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he lived with my only son. I couldn', think of him a. a loser, Tltere wlS a piece of p'p.,r still itt tlte Cttvelopc, A 1101<.' from Gilta,
fii' "" comi"g b.uk 10 LondOlt jor aft'" ,,'f'tks,;"" Iitt ru'l> oj"s_ HII ""d I. A·ly dad som(llti"s wro".~ "'ill, I,;s leg H, "erds scm, I,e/p aro,,,,d lit, Itl)llse. We arr "0' sl
"M
witlt I,im-llra,,, "jlal. Will call yet, ",J'fII "" gel
;11. Pal
J«IfIS ro
I,,,,,," Iwd" good I;""
I~I-h,
d{)/'J "'I say "lIId, _PI/'dSf" II'm,k Cyd. I hoT'f Y"'"
",;Ih Y"'" Bm yet, k",,,,,
"'''''' is ok"y_ Gol 10 fl.OGin" "l'kllo,l'brry, n Peggy was at the top of the suirs. She was drcssed m a long, white lacy dress with short putTed -up skt'Ves. She looked like a bride. Or an angel. "You look lovely, Peg: -My daddy's getting married. To his girlfriend. l iherty. She's a nUTse. From Manila. I'm going to be their brides maid: "Come on: Cyd said, appearing on the lattding next to her_ "Yon g<.l and take ofT that dress_ Watch the pins on the hem. okay' I'll be right in: My wife Calnt· duwn the stairs. -Good trip? How's E:l!nott~ Is he all right?" I didn't reply. I left my bags in the hall and went into the kitchen . The work surfaces were covered with little dishes of guacamole, chih sauCe and Tabasco, bonles of Cantont'S( plnm sauCe and Cariblx-an banana kneh "p. Sv.'CCt and sharp.
with my dip.,~ Cyd said, ~ I spoke to yonr ruUlH. She's HOI feding SO good." My wife held out her arms 10 me but I jusl slared at her. ~you lied to me: [~Jid. ~Experimenting
-What'~
" Before [ w,·nt away. You told me SOme story abonl !,'Oing Onl wirh 1,,'0 WOTllcn. Two wOlUen. you s.:oid . lim I s:lw you with him. Luke Moore. In the Merry Leper. I saw you. Cyd. ~ "Harry" " I s:lw Ihe pair of you." " Harry?" "Whal?" "Ifs not what it seems. H e wants to buy the company. Th.I', why I mel hUll. I could,,'t tell you because I knt·w you would----dolhis." For the first titne since [ Iud come home. [ looked my wife in the cye. ~And what did you tell him ?" "[ told him what I have told him .11 along. Harry," We stared at cach other. " I told him no." "What else did he Iry to buy? Don', tell Ttl.,- I can fucking guess " I tried to hrush past her but she grabbed my arm. " I don't want .nyone t! ...,. oby) T hat's il. You should know that already. I don't wam anyone else. I I.rry. Never have. But you cau wear Ollt somcon e', love. H arry.just like you can wear ont anythi ng el...,. So yon either "op all thi, or , " "Or whal?" ~Or I don ', know wh al'sgoing 10 happen 10 us." She touchcd my face. and rhen s.aw the photograph I was holding. She took my hand and held il. " Is that a picture of l'at?" "What do )'OU care?"
,llan a"d II' iJi
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~Oh
Harry." She released my hand. "That's not fair. If I don't low you r SOli Hl tlGlCtly the samt w"y as you. that's nOl some kind on,.,tray,1." She Iud Ille there, of conI"SC. E"lllOIl crad.ro. l'nh~ps it was £v.. lyu HIOIII's hatch .. t job. T ht jouru"list had pulled otT the oldest parTY trick known to hacks-,cting,s Eamon's best friend in the flC5h, and then his puhlic CJ<eclltioner IT! prmt. Under the ht.1dhn~, NO U,UGHING MATT~R. Hlunt d{"vol<Xl thre!" thousand words !O explaimng why Eamon Fish W.IS unimportant and the readers of his newspaper should take absohttcly no interest him. The pholl>s W{"fC good. though- Eamon wild -l'yed and windswept. hts dark good looks almost a pan of the Kerry landscape. And very. very moody. Or perhaps it was the celebrity chef that made him crack. Eamon's first chore on ~VJ[krd It lNfd was II1tervicwlI1g Wee Willi,· Hi scoc k, the lovahle Livnpudli an cook. All through th,' big Engli,h breakfast Hiscock blJt:lntly plugg~x1 his new book. RIg/II ill limr Glib/,0k, 'fiN>, /:kI""", I. od. the sequel to his bestseller, Ri.~I" ill y"", GoW,oIe. Boo",", Lad. Eamon had always been averse to , uch blat.:lnt promotion, but wh"re he had hap_ ptly slapprd it down Olt Fish "" Friday. now he sccm.. d unablr to stem d, ~ flow of plll!,'S. Or perhaps it W:lS the boy group thlt pushed him over the edge. Hermiune Gates made no secret uf the flet that she was a h"b'<" fan of Lads U nlimittd. five young hands"m~. hairless TIltIl who could carry a tunc. b", nOt very far. and who ptrformed ~ series of dance steps tlllI looked like gentle exercises for snfferers o( arthritis. T he studio mOm tOr dearly s howed I krmion{" flashing her drawers in cxcit~mtnt during Lads Unlimittd's r~ndition of.
Funky u,ve Will Live Forcver.~ Tbe mOllltor ~1,o~learly showtd Eamon (favoritt albums-°Nn-en",,,"· by N"van •. "I' hysical Graffui" by Lcd Zeppdiu and "[s That It?" by T he Slrol.:cs) looking]! his W1ICh. Bill probably Eamon wo"ld s!iII be prese nting W"kfd World to this "ay day ifhe hadn't ~en asked to iHltrview t1,( winnu of Six Hsml SI"d",/S i" oillt? Was ill week six? When I discOV<'rcd Darren bad uken me Im lk oO! of Ihe fridgc. With· out asking, mnit?" Henllione frowne-d at the memory. "You w~re "'ny angry, ,,"erel!" t you, babes'" Eamon', bead was hangmg. ~We ll, for me. asking beforc you usc wmconc's milk is what u's all about." "AbsolU1d ~', babes. ["rn. li ke-have a word with yottTsdf, Darren. you muppel.· Eam on bad tm ried his face ; n bis hands. "ChIO( .nd Zo<', right. they wanted to StOp me COnfromi,,!;. Da~n, illllit? Who I could :.Iways rdatt to ~ca"se. we bolh Illve issues because of not being properly pafCnted'" Suddenly Eamon was 011 his (eet. addressing camera 1\\'0 wilh its link red light shilling above it. I felt. surge or prid~. ~Our
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Even 1I moment, of ,upreme .tr~'S" he never looked into the wrong (amer:.l , "TuTil it of[" he said. "Turn it offright now!" "lhbes'" Slid Hermione GJles -You're poi'iOning your mi n d with thi, rubbish. We ,lllTe. WI,.!'s wrong with us? We uS<.·d 10 fill our screens with 11<'I"IX"s. Now we warH people we (an look down ou.l'tople ",<'fan 1",1t dOl"" 011." He looked wilh real s:u;lness at 1-1crmione and Warren . " [ walll no part of it." H e tore off his microphone, pu lkd Out the clear wax .-arplu!; th., hnh-d lum to dl<' gallery, threw thcm at thc feet of the sllmned floor manab'<"r. " ['m b'Oing outside now. [ may be a while." Then he w as gone. [n the gloaming of the studio wings, Barry Twi" and [w",chcd him go. '"You know he'll never ,,'ad an .moeuc in this IOwn . gam, don 't you?" said Barry. 'Sometimes you have to start again: I said, "[t's painful and it's messy. Bm 'iOmetimes you just have to make the hreak and start again.My mother's surgery was in the morning. Tomorrow', schedule was carefu ll y planned. My mum ,",ould oot cat or drink ,oythiog from midnight. [ wou[d pick her up first thing, and I knew .[ready sl", v,-ou[d be weaTing what she c.[led her Sunday beSt, and then I would drive her to the hoo;pital in the next town. And that', where a surg<.."<>n would perform what they CaHl>d , simple mastectomy. One of her breasts, the One with the tUlllOr, would b." lost so that hn life could be saved . That breast----one of the CUrveS my father had fallen in love with when she was a youn g girl, and never stopped loving as they grew old together. the bre ast that had sustained me as a b.by-would be b'One forevtr, cm
off to separate my mother from the tumor that wanted to kill her. This thiug dm had giv.·t l me life. th~t had made my father pSI' wi th wonder aud b'1":llimde. ,,"Quid Ix- Cllt off ~lId what1-thrown Jway~ BurtK'{P Preserved for medical science? I cuuldll't thiuk about theSoc thiugs, and 1I0ne of the brochures-uot 'r;'lking ",ilh Your Child",,, about Bmw Callcfr, or Uv;"S ".;t/, Lymp/'()fdf"ut, o r EXfl"(UcS tJjier Brrnst S"'lI"1}'pve any hint as 10 the fale o f Ihe amputated breaSI. They did,,'t want you to tI""k about it. I sat in thc li"ing rOOm uf Ihe uld huuse. drinking cup after cup of strong sweet te~. feeling that Illy mother had been thrust in to some kind of war. Everything suddenly seemed uncert:lin, unbalanced, in oppositiun. The breast and the mlllur, luw and sic kness, lift and death. My mother was happy. She was happy becausc the old house was fu ll of people. and this WOlllau-one of scven children. moth"T of an only child who took years to arrive. widow uftwo Y"a~llled to ftel that she was fu lfilling hcr destiny again. The tea and biscuits. the sandwiches ill the kitchen. the occasionallx-er produced for one of her brothers. h didn't (ttl like the house was fi,lIlx-causc of cancer surgery. It felt more like Christmas. TIll" family is dying off now. that old fami ly [ klll'w a, 3 child. All the aunts and uncles. the brothers and sistas of my parents. and Ihe matches they made. hushands and wives found in the same few streets. and then kept fnr a lifeti me. I knew tlll'Soc peuple better thall I knew .nyone. [ knew thtir gellerosity, their resilience alld thdr loyalty. I was thankful that they fussed around my mother now_ "Anything we can do. love. anything at all. let IlS know: [ was told, time after time- but I wasn't surpris,:d. My uncles and my aums. 11etircd nuw. for Ihe muSt p.n.
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or getting the re , But I rememocred them fn>m the yeus when I was a child, Their aches alld pams, the pills that 1I0W had to be: taken. til<' unscttling vi,its to the doctor-tll<'~' couldn', clond my memory of kJn. hard mcn Jnd thdr smlli pre'ty wives, the mcn all factory workers and pri mers and shopkeepers at first, alld lata Ih .. shops Ixing replaced by suptrmark<"ts. back wh ..11 supnlllarKcts were modern alld II."" alld the womell homemakers dendc'S before the ten" WIS invcnted. hOlllemakers the lot of them. cvcn the ones who worked . And how thcy workLxI. T hes," women, my allntS, would never haw thought of thctnsclws as career womcn. but thcy worked in school kitchens, on the buses. doing the books in a who1cs.a1c Ware~ hous~, in shops and ,upcrmarkcts. T h,vcre ignored. lying on the cofTee table "~.xt 10 the TV lislings and a biography ofShirlty Iiass~y. \V!,(IT I was growing ITP, dr"aming uf tSClpt , ploning a ca-
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I bchcwd Ihal my family had hv~d small liws-never e1mlkin!; of whal waS om thac ocyond th.'IT few suburoon towns, nevn caring, tttvcr drea11lntg. But now I saw that they h~d lived bettcr li\lCS th~n mc_fi li lcr, happkr live~, li\lCS wi lh more meaning, wh~re loyalty and decency ~n: taken fOT gr:tTl1ed, where you react to canctTby puning 0 11 th( kt,ttle and a Dolly PaTron record, I low I el1V1ed them now, now that I saw that old dying family as my mOlher (ought for h~r life, now th>t it was all too ht~ . My AUTl1 ])olltalk~d softly w ith my mother in the kitchell. Somctimes this old famIly setlTled as Sl."grcgatcd as M uslims. Then: were things that my mother would never dream of discussing with me, or with her brothers. Things tim I only read about in th~ canen literalllTe. ~TOlal mastcctomy Can bc the bener "ption wh~n-thc minor is in the center of the breast or direct ly behind the nip_ ple; the breast is s'mll and wou Id be distorted by a partial maSte~tomy; Iher~ ar~ sen,,,,1 ca n~"mu-, or prc-<;ancerou, areas III the b ...'ast; Ihe woman ",.mld "'th.'r haV<' Ihe whoI<- breast re1lI0'·cd.' I had to r~-ad abolll thcse things. l'crh3ps I WaS glad my mothe r would nOI tal k to me aboUllhem. In the garden my Uncle J.c k, my dad's brother, Aunt Doll's Slllall, dark, natty dressed husband, was smokillg a rollup. Smokillg outsid., the hons<:. A ntW thing. A small COnCeSsion to the new cenm'Y, or perhaps my father's Inng cancer. Cigarettes, once con$umcd as freely as tea and chocolale digestives 111 th is houMC, nOw had to be smoked in the garden . I watched my Uncle Jack smoke, and I Saw th~ ghOSt of my father's face in his f,ee . U ncle Jack's big bbek Mere w:>.s parked o,,~,id,-, Ih e honsc, a superior SCI of whctls On a Stfeet full of light """S and old Fords. Unck Jack waS. d ri,'u-ta king busincssmtn to tl,( In
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airpon , waiting for them with hi, sign at arrivals, smoking his roll-ups oUiside the Car so that the .ir inside waS daisy fresh, Uncle Jack canu, wilh me when I went to St'tC my fathers body 1t the undertaker's. I wonde re-d if we "'muld h1ve 10 look 11 my mother's body soon. When the family had .11 gone, my Aunt Doll and Unclc J ack thc llsl ones to 1t-,,'tC, my mum made some It. for the two of us. The light was failing and there would be no more visitors tonight. No more visitors before the operation. Somehow thc years had shpped 'W'y, .nd .unts and uncles who ann' stayed up pl.y"'S po""r until d.wn- smoking thcir cigarettes, drinking their beer ~Ild sherry, their bughter ringiug all night long_ now liked to be home behind locked doors before it was too dark. - I-low arc you, Mum?" "I can't ha"e anything to ca t after midnight.-Btll how arc YO\l)" -I'm all right, loY<'. Don't worry .bout me. How are you?"
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-You and Cyd." "Things arc not so good righ t now, Mum." I didn't want to upset her, !Onight of all nights. Yet I felt her bravery deserv~-d some of my own. "I've met someone else. Someone I like a lot. And I thiuk Cyd has roo." I expected my modtcr-ha lf of that great doubk act, my parents, the first husband and wife team I knew. the pair who cast their giant shadow on every relationship [ ever had with a woman-to giw me a knUrl' about the .. nctity of the wedding vows, the irnponancc of TlI arriab..... , the horror of di,·oree. Btu she didn't do any of these things. "l ife is very short: my mum said. "You have to take your pleasures whnc you can ." My mum stood at the wiudow, \\-.. tching the Slrcn, as ,f
waiting fm someone. BUI everyone has been and gone. There', nobody left to visit . And then r realized, My dad, She is waiting (or my dad. My mother stood al Ihe window o( Ihe honS<.' Ihat J had grown up in, the house that she had grown old in, and who'n J saw her waiting for a husband who would IIcvct corne Iwul<', I loved her more than I could bear. Waiting. Th e night he fore her simple mastectomy, although Ihere waS nothing simple .boot it, nodnng simple al all, my mother standing al the window of dw old house, looking OUt at the empty street beyond the net curtains, waiting for myoId man. Waiting to see him come aTound thaI bend in Ihe road in his company nr, to take her in his hard ol d tattooed arms 011<' IHore time, my father cotne h011le to tell he r she is bea1l1i(ulher face, her body, all of her- and that he loves her as he has alwa~ done, md Ihal everything is going to be all right. Or maybe jU'1 to take her in his arms, I saw Tex. I had left my mother at Ihe IIO'pital, left her unpacking her small suitcase in a ward where no bed was empty, a ,",ard full of mostly elderly women ;11 their prim night dresS<.'s, with oranb'e >qUJsh, boxes of Quality Strttt chocola{('s aud romantic novels on Iheir bedside tables. My father had dkd in this hospital and I was surprised hnw familiar it all was 10 me---Ihe rallk smell of hospi,"l cooking in the corridors, the "lidless 'lueues evcrywhere, the defiam crowds of smokers sucking their cigarettes outside the main doors. The sme ll o((ood, dise»e and medicine scemed 10 have seeped inlO evety brick. WI,at was different waS Ihat nOW r waS vis iting a ward full of WOmen-women who laughed, women who talked and com-
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plamed and commiserated m a way that didn't happen In the ward full ,\,'sICct01llY. chCI1lOlbcrapy. radiothcrapy. Iym. phocdenu, until 1 saw him squirm wilh shame al his cowardice. But I did,,'t do it. I fitlished fill",!; my tank as h~ was rnak-
ing ~ gre~t pt.y of giving M~ggie That~her the dUJ<;olates ~nd flowers. am[ d'3t's wbtn I Clugbt a glnnps,.. of mysdf m TIl)' car window alld tbl' imab't" held me. By ti,l' time] bad rl'COVered. To alld his dlndng pmner hld gone. And I knew [conld nOt lpp rQ.:lch him bcc~nsc ] was . f... id that I was that kind of man too---a prt~lIda, conning a woman out of her lovt by appt""aring to oc n ic~, terminating all cmotion whcn thc first bill arrivcs . I,Vlllt TCl< did to my mnm _ was it n:ally so differellt ~s to what ] w.s doing to Cyd? With all my h~an, 1 w:lII!l..x1 to be the other son of m.n. a man like my father. Loy;ll, true. a keeper of promises. A fi)r_ evcr and evcr nlln. But 1 SIISpcctc'sn't the call I'd been cxpccting-< ursory, formal ~nd ~lIxiolls to b'Cl llIe otT the line ~nd OUt of her life. Inste~d, the c~n> when II C3me, was at midnight, ill te.rs, wllh a h~rd_c"rc ""undtrack boonllng m the b~ckgr"und. " l larr)'?One word and] could tell it w:lS her. even if the word was ~n choked lip with emotion. -Gin~, what's wrong'· C)'d stirred beside mt ~s I s.t up III bed. Sht'd had a latt night. clt~rillg for SOlllt launcJ., and sht had falltn aslttp as soon as her head touched the pillow - H arry. it's aw(ul" ' You're m London? Speak " p. I cau't h~ar you." ·Wr·Te in our /lat . Pat and Illt. In Bdsize Park. l thought II
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would be nIce around hen:. llut the people next doorthey've gOt So Solid Crew !,'Omg 1t full blast." "Yuu W:Ul! me- what? You Waitt 111," to cUlIIe arol1nd?~ I fell my wife_my (urrent wife. that is-pick up her alarlll clock and slam it back down. " Do you know wh" time it is, I larry?" Cyd said. ·Could you, I larry>" Gina said. "It's driving THe nuts alld it sounds like ,hen: an: a lot of them. Some SOrt of party. I' m afraid 10 knock on ,he dOOT." I put my hand ovcr the momhpiccc. "Gina's 111 10wlI. ThtTe'~ a problem with the fln. Noisy neighbors." "'Iell her to ("111 the police," Cyd Sol! up in Ix:d. She was wcaring this old Tom l ....,tty T "shirt. When we flTSt started. even when we were first muncd , she us
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a big wlIlte house in lklsizc Park. A good house, in ~n arnutlll neighborhood. LOIS of I("(:<'S alld profcssi<JlIally I<'"ded gardens. and til<' twO kinds <Jf cars that you always saw in neighborhoods like [his. the ens [hat were seriousMcrcedes_Ik nz SLKs. Audi TIs. 3-scrics BMWr-3nd the cars that wtre JUSt for fUII---orir;inal Bntlts and Millis, and the neW nostalgia versions, rusty Morris MIII<JTS, pre-historic Citroc,lS_ I paid the minicab. al("(:ady looking up at the hOllse that contained my son and my former wifc_ J didn't need to look at the numocrs. I could hear the music comi ng from the s((OlI d (loor. I pressed thc bu tton for thc top (loor and Gina buned me through the front door. The music thundered ,bowe my head. Oncc ~'ou b'OI Inside, the big white house reeked of rented pro~rty. Stacks of ma,l addn: sscd to fonncr tenant, wete pikd on the won' carpet like 311tumn!cavcs. This pl:.ce would not be cheap. probably two b'l":llld 3 mOllth. but it didn't reel like anyone', home. T he owners of the tlats II1side Ihe hig white hou"", all hved sonwwherc <"I..,. I walked up pa't the parry on the second floor, hearing Iheir laughter and screams. a smashing glass. T he mnsic they ,,,"ere playing sounded li ke a lIever_ending hnrglar alarm. Gening old. Harry. Gina <Jpentd I,er door pale alld [earful, wrapped up III some kimono-styk dressing gown that looked a fnv sizes 100 big_ Or mayoc it ""'5 mClIll 10 be like th,,_ Underne.rh she had he r pajamas Oil, and Ilhoughl how unfair it was ofCyd to expect Gina 10 break lip a drunken party in her paJarn.s. " ]" 11 go and h~vt 1 word wilh thtrn, okay~' "T hanks. Harry" "I'a l'" -I Ie's all righl. Slct'ping. the last time ! looked. Although God knows how." It
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I felt my heart bealing as I wen( down a flight of ,rairs and knocked On Ihe door, No respons", I knocked huder. Filially 3 g;owky wl,ile kid with a r<'lro Beatle Cut ope-ned the door, Student:>. j thonght. Unlikely to knife me Bitt whJt w.lS I expcning ill Iklsize Park? The Bloods and tht Crips? ~You should haw four American I lots, tWO Garlic LovcillS, alld a Capriccios.a," the g:twky kid said, "Alld a V~suvio with extra pepperoni. Plus, you know, sollie colcsbw. garlic bre.d 'nd sUlff~ -Actu. lly I'm not deliwnng pizza. rm from upstairs. Your music is keeping my SOn and my. , , wife awake " Owr his high. bony shoulder I could sec a flJt full "f young people !Ju~,ing and dancing and 'rying to convince ,hemsdws th .. they wnc in a. vodka cOlllmeTcial. A shorter. f.ncr youth appeared by his side. "Has he got the Belgian chocolate ice cre.m?~ 1eou[d smell the sickly sweet aroma of puff. Would that af. fecI my son one flight up? Coord my hoy ge' p."ivdy stoned? " He"s oot from Mml'r Milanu,~ said the g;owky kid, "He's from upstairs." "Upsuirs:" said fatty, "Wants m to keep tht lIoise down." " Disturhiog hllll , is i,," ~Appare",ly, • T hey Were laughing at lIIe. [ had ocen exp<'cling thre~ts 10 my person 1 h.dll·t expected them to [allgh a! me. "No prul>lcm. nute." the fat one said. "We'[[ be quiet as a "You WOII', hear us-what is i, rats do?- sqllcak: said the s;'wkyone. T hey held on to cKh other. rocking wi d, hughter. "Appreciate it: I said. " Because my son, he's seWII, he- " °No problem, Illate."
They closed the door in my face. And as [ climbed the
Gina's place, the music miraculous1y dcrreascd 10 a k,-eithat didn 't rank the fillings ill my tttih. ~Wcll done,l-hrry." J gave my ex_wife an it_was_nothing smile. And imm cdi. attly tht" music waS fUmed up to a v01ume that waS louder
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bastards: I said, nuking for the door.
"Don't b'O'
I looked at hn. Sh" pulled the kimono thm!; lighter, as If tl)'lIlg 10 hioc inside it. -Gina? II's not just those idiots down mirs. is it?" "N o. " I pm my arm around her and we wem inside hn fla!. It ,",:IS (karly cxlJ<:nSlw, but dearly on a least. Th,' heavy old
English furniture, the blOCK! red Icather sofa. the Gustav Kli,nt prillts on the wall- nonc of these things could have been chosen by Gina , who loved all that was light and modern and Japanese. Tlus plan' looked as though it had been decor>ted by Queen Victori3. We sat on the blood red !rather sofa. ~ Is it your dad?" J hadn't ",sked what was actually wrong
with him. Since my own father had died, I fatalistically assumed Ihal any iUlless all old pcrs011 received was lerminal. "My dad's okay." She smi!rd for the firsllitltc. wiping Itn no'IC wilh the back of her hand. "H e', a silly old bugger. He put his hip OUI snowboarding." 'SnowbondHlg) [ Ihought there was som<·thing wrong with him." 'Only the thmg that's heen wrong with him all his life. H e can'l grow up ." I had slipjX"d my shocs off al till" door-even in Iht"sc ITTUed rooms. I didn't nerd to be told that Gina liked you to
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take your shoes off at the door, Japanese style- and now I could ftel my feet quivtting with th,' vibrations co1t1mg through the floor. ~ rtJl going 10 go and !;ilk to these morons~ ~ D ou't, I-[,rry" " Do,,'t worry, they'rc not goiltg to hun IT,... They're all middle-cbss kiddies from safe. rich hOllles. ~ ~ N ot like us, then.~ - No. nothing like us." I looked at her. Despill- her tiredness and the tears, and all the years, she had d,.. same glow abom her that had left mC breadtless ,'Id speech less the first time [ ever SaW her. Aut something had happened to Gina, something terrible. "Go and look in on Pat, will you? I'll make us sollle tea. [s jasmin" oby? It's all I've got." "Jasmine's flnc." Gina went into the small kitchen and [ tried a few doors until I saw the familiar, tousle -haired figurc sleeping flat on his back. My son, 3t seven years of age. sleeping in the second bedroom of 3 rented flat in Bclsize Park. While I lived a few miles away with another \"oman, another child. As always, I was shocked by the lm"c tim I felt for my boy. The hip-hop from lx-Iow wa. shakiltg his willdows. "k didn't seem to care. [ pullctl his PlulII/ow Mrna(f cover up OVcT his shoulders . ltd closed his door as quietly as I could. Gina was placing two cnps of pale green tea on the coff,,<: table. "Sh-ping,- I said. "He could sleep through anything, that kid. You should have !tecn hun on the plane . Turhulence allthc way aCross the Atlantic. Didn't even stir." "What is it, Gina? What's really wrong?" " It's I~ichard . [" T left him.-
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It took a moment for this to sink in. "You've left Richard? So this trip to London-" "Permanent. We're not going back." "So when you said it was for a few weeks ... " "That was the original plan. But there's no point in going back. Oh, fuck, Harry, my life is such a mess. What am I doing in this bloody flat with these stupid students and their awful music? I'm going to end up on Jerry Springer, I swear I am." ''You're not going to end up on Jerry Springer. What happened? "Children." I thought she meant Pat. I thought she meant that her life didn't fit with both Richard and Pat. But that wasn't it. "We couldn't have any," she said. "We tried and tried. I couldn't get pregnant. And it broke us up, Harry. It just broke us up." I sipped my tea. Even though it was scalding hot. I didn't know if! should be hearing this. I didn't know if! wanted to. "I think a marriage needs children, Harry. It's hard enough to keep together even if you have a kid. Without them-I don't even know if it's possible. We had all the tests. Richard and me. It was okay at first. We even laughed about it-him masturbating into a little plastic container, me with my legs up in the air getting prodded and probed. They couldn't find anything. But there's something "Tong somewhere. In the end, it was too much of a strain. Maybe it would have been easier, maybe we could have stood it, if Pat wasn't there. But it was hard for Richard. It's hard loving someone else's child when you can't have one of your own." "So Richard blamed Pat?" "I didn't say that, Harry. But it's such a thankless task, being a stepparent. I think in the end Richard felt he couldn't win." She sighed. "Then I saw his credit card bill. Flowers,
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hotel rooms, restaurants." She looked at me. "Flowers 1 didn't receive. Hotel rooms 1 had never stayed in. Restaurants 1 had only read about." "Who was she?" "A neighbor. Some bored housewife with three kids, funny enough. No doubt it would have been some woman at work if he'd had ajob. Because he's still unemployed, he had to find what he was looking for in Safeway. She probably thought she was missing out on something too." "He must be crazy. Cheating on you." That gave her a laugh. ''You did, Harry. You did." "I'm sorry, Gina. Sorry about you and Richard. About you and me. About the students downstairs. About everything." "What happened to us, Harry? What happened to the boy and girl who were going to stay together forever?" "I don't know what happened. Time, 1 guess. Just time, Gina." "Don't you ever wish that it could be like that again? That innocent? That straightforward?" 1 finished my Japanese tea and stood up. I was ready to face the music. "Now and then," 1 said. My mother slept. White with exhaustion and pumped full of pain killers and medicine to kill the sickness, oblivious to the echoing, malodorous life of the hospital going on all around her, she was tucked into bed in her own little postoperation room, an IV drip attached to a pale blue vein in her hand, and she lay on her back and slept. Sleeping at noon on a Sunday. Something she had never done in her life. If you could call it sleep, that drugged unconsciousness that was the aftermath of her operation.
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1 sat by her side, afraid to touch her. Her kind face, her smallness and the thought of the dressing on her wound under that hospital nightdress-these things tore at my heart, and made me hold my head and almost choke on all that was inside me. There were no visitors, not yet, and the doctors and nurses had all gone away. They had cut off the breast with the tumor and they were confident that the operation had been a success. They talked me through what happened next. Chemotherapy. Then radiation. The chemotherapy would likely cause my mother's hair to fall out and make her sick to her stomach. The radiation would feel itchy, sore, like bad sunburn. Before all of that, when she awoke, she would feel a pain in her arm, and pins and needles and sickness; the sickness would never be far away now. The wound, the cut that had been made to remove the thing that was killing her, that would be sore and tender and tight for months. The doctors told me something that my mother would never tell me. That she wouldn't be able to wear a bra. Not yet. The wound was too fresh. It felt like everything about this illness was painstakingly designed to make my mother feel less like a woman. When they had all gone, the optimistic doctors and the cheerful nurses, the affable oncologist and the genial surgeon and the easy-going anesthetist, 1 cried for what my mother had gone through, and all that she still had to go through. Even if she beat this thing, even if she lived. "I love you so much," I whispered, telling her things that we would have both been too shy and embarrassed to hear if she was awake. ''You don't deserve this, Mum. Not you. Not anyone."
I sat there for hours. She didn't wake up. It felt like the kind of sleep that would last for decades, like something from
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a fairy Iale. By the time I left, the spring afternoon was fading behind the drawn curtains of that tiny room. It was only when I was looking for my car in the hospital's vast parking lot that I remembered the appointment I had missed. I liked the lights on Primrose Hill. They were, and still are, those old kind of Victorian street lamps. Tall and black with a chunky glass casing at the top. Those lamps look like throwbacks to some older, lost city, the London of Sherlock Holmes and Watson, pea-soup fogs and tugs on the Thames. The lamps had not been illuminated when I arrived at Primrose Hill. The days were getting longer. But Sunday afternoon was dying now and they would be turned on soon. The crowds were thinning. It was becoming too dark for ball games, the pampered dogs of the neighborhood were almost exhausted and the young lovers were strolling off arm in arm to dinner in Camden Town or Hampstead or Swiss Cottage. I decided to take a quick walk to the top, and then go home. The park on Primrose Hill is built upon one high, grassy peak. From up there you can see for miles. Down to London Zoo and the lush expanse of Regent's Park. The West End and the City and Docklands in the distance. And, on the hill behind you, the wild woods of Hampstead Heath. I watched my city as day turned to night. The slars came out. The great metropolis was slarting to twinkle. And that's when I saw her walking up the hill toward me. Her pretty face was flushed with exertion. She looked as though she had been walking all afternoon. Ever since we had been supposed to meet, in fact. "Sorry I'm a bit late, Kazumi." She reached the top of the hill, breathing heavily. She
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shook her head, . nd I couldn't (ell if .he w>s !ClIing me dl>!
she did,,'t Care or that she waS speechless with r~ge, Then she SOrt of looked 3t me in ~ way that I umkrstood complete ly,
Becanse it said-kiss me. sl1lpid So I did. And JUSt at that momcnt, from Prince Albert Huad in the south, to King Henry's Hoad in the north, from St, John's WOod in the wcst, 10 Grand Union Canal in the east, all over the length and breadth of Primrose I-lill, the lights came on.
Part Three THE GREATEST GIRL IN TIlE HI ST ORY OF TIlE WORLD
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'VIACRA: EAMON SUCC.ESTED, wlthoutme~tn
asking h;m. "Just the thing for
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"'all with both 3 wife and a
girlfriend. T hat's what you need, !·b rry. Vi.gra. Ama,,;ng sluf[ Although of course you know )'Qu"e gNting 3 hit old when you c.u', gt't it down."
Hm it \\'a,n', Viagra that [n~~(kd, Because for a man with both 3 wife aud 3 b~rlfricnd. it was amaling how (illk 5("" I was getting. You Hugh! think th.t my seed ".mld have heen spread thin and wide as I bounced from the TII~rit:l[ kd to the girlfriend's (111011 and back again. Hilt Cyd had movcd inco the spare b"droom. The world my p"ems knew had fi nally turned inside out. For them Ih ere was no 5Cl< before ma •• jag<:_ For tne ,here was nOne af~r. We had S("paratt rooll1s becauS(" I usually ",.. m tu btd lung after mid night, while suddenly Cyd was "'eked in wi,h a dwnomilc Ica just '({<'Tlhe {en Q'c1ock ncW's. Cyd and 1 were bOlb blanllng work, because.' ir was juS! 100 sad 10 admit Ihat our problems w~lH fu dupu tba" mUt sched uhng. 265
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Now Ill>! she had turned down Ihe olTer 10 sell him Food Glorious r"O<X!, Cyd's freelallce work with Luke Moore waS really takiug ofI Sh" sudd wly had a spale of early rnorniug brclkflst meetiu!,'S to eltcr, 111 these jobs in the City and the w~.t End where bnsinessmen ale Croi'S.llHs,l'a;/I all mui/l and six kinds ufoogds. And whilt my wif,' 1,'01 her early nights, I waS oft,'n Out into Ihe early hours, supervising umon's re(Urn \0 stand-up_ N ow that Ihe TV show was over, Eamon was going back \0 his roolS, doing stand-u p fur the first lime iu ynrs, even SUme open-mike smlT, and thinking "oom taking Ins act ou Ih .. road. There WaS no money in it at this stage, Jnd Illy savings account Ws the heart of his eraft, Ihis was wher<' he was truly tested. By nerves, by drunks, by all his li m italiuns. So we spem our nights in sweaty ceilars, where he waS sometimes b'OOd and soilletimes not so b'OOd , but he was always funnier than his heckl ers---" Don't I remember you from medical school? You were the one in the jar."-and I wondered ifhc could really still do it without retakes, an 3utOCUe, a full production crew and the Dutch courage of cocaine. Eam on', comeback took up a 101 of my time, hUI intrnth nOl all of it. Sometimes I told Cyd I was sceing Eamon when the pasun I waS rcally sct'ing waS !{azumi. And when I told her nothing at all, she didu't scem w carc. I WaS out late and my wife W
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here, but I heheved It was ~ good guess-the posSlhility of rnovillg baek hOTllt filially lOok shape III ha "lind. Our problem, Ihis probkm my Wlf," and I had, was that wejust couldn'l inllginc om futllTe logcdlCr. We still loved odl other, bill there was a politeness and formality 10 our dealings that broke Illy htan. Aud wt JUSt couldu'T st"t how this thing Ixtwu" uS waS tvtr b"Oi ll g 10 work Out. - leI's sec how it gues, shall ",...,'" Cyd Slid, n"king up her bed in tbe guesl rOOm. So wt" sec how It g<Xs. J USt anothn man and wife having tToubk . But it fdt likt" tht" saddest thing ill tht" world, this feding that what we had right ,ww WaS not good enough to Stay for. and nOt bld enough 10 leave. And al though thne W2.> no sex after marnab'C, thn" was nOnC m Primrose I lill in the flat that Knurm shart"d with a Swedish ,..:uman who was a second-year student at the I{oyal Academy of Music. It felt like Ollr ki ss in the dusk abow London had opened a door for me, but now I ""as f.c<xl by a locked g:uc. As JUzurni and I 130)' on 1t~r single b<.xl. our clOIh,'s on and the curt:oin, dr3W11. "'~' heud the roommate pranicing hcr cello in the next r()Om. She was so b'OOd that the music, just the other side of the wall. ""•., never mtlllSlve. It was .tr:lllgely soothi"g to always havt Chopin and Elgar and llay(k" st"cping through tilt" thill wall. great swirli"g sounds of romance, all the passion tim felt jnst 0 '" of reach The Ih",,,tc played musk that I wmehow knw,... :although I cou ldn't uy when: from, altd .lso d nngs th3tl h.d lttvtT heard bc-for(" ill my life. 0,,(" picct tirat sl,(" playtd .g:.m and again - an exam was coming up-turned Ollt to be -Song Without Words" by Mendelssohn. T ht" rOOmmate could have b~cn s1l1dy"'S .ccou nLlncy or
tree surgery, But roma n~~ IS a series of luppy a~~ident', and lhe faci tI, al she play~x1lhe IIIost bc:auliful music ,',-cr writtel> as Kaz umi lay d '3stdy in Ill y arms
T h.t Ill usi~ would have ~CII Ih~ perfect accompaniment to a f~w huurs uf passion, Bm thai was 1101 wh at Kazum i Wlnted. Knllmi didn't want to sleep with me. Just like my wifc, in fact . "I do,,', want to oc your d irty littk scern," Kuumi said. " It nCvCr works. Afraid to oc salllogc,hrr. Afra id of bumping agai nst someone }'ou know. What kind of life is that' You can call me bu t I can', call you. And all the qll(!l; tions I would have to as k yo", Sue.h >.>, do }~)U st ill have sex wllh your WIfe?" "I (an Idl you Ihe an~wcr to that now. " "No: She pressed a finger on my lips , "'krause 1 don 't wa nt you to start lyi ng to me. And even if Ihey leave their wife, 11 nevcr worb. I don't know why. !>ricc too h igh, maybe." And I was tom , I watt ted to look afler both of d, elll , To love both of them. Ka1.11mi and Cyd. l n Ihe way that they both deserved. And already I knew that was .mpossibk You can love two women at once, but ,,01 in the way they desCTve. So I was forever looking for d, e exi t sign , tryi ng doors , see king a way om of th is chaos . And I did it with Kazum i as ,,,"e ll as Cyd. In my m.d moments, when it all beca me too much alld th~ music stop~d, I wa1l1~d somcone-Cyd, K~zu mi , o"t" uf Ihem, clIha of th~m - to reveal so melh lllg so pai nful that it woul d drive me ~way, that it would scttle thi ngs on~e and forever. "You se~m to know" lot about s<:x wilh a married ma n, Kazu mi, I low COrne you're such an ~xpeTt ?'
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un
~ D ocsn't nutter. ~
" J want to know." "Not 1m". Fri<"nd." "A friend. Snre." ~ R e,Ily."
~So
who waS this S<'eret friend? Somcone hae?" • No. J.pan. A clOSt"" friend ill J apau." And then ,he yen finally dropped. ~\Vhat ,vas her name. this friend wi th the married man'On 'hr other side of,he ,,-all, the sound of a ecllo. pouring Out a kind of suncly mr!lneholy. ~So"g Without Words" agaiu. The exam must be soon. "Gi m." Kn umi said. "My friend·s .ume W;jl; Gina." My doctor though, tha, I had som<:th",g calkd \Vhlt(~ Co", Syndrome. ~You sec a doctor." she smiled. in her adorable Italian ac" cent, adding uncxp.."ted vowels to the end, of noun" ~and your blood pr.·ssure go<..' through 'he roofa.· She W2S sort of right. Wl.~n J first entcred her office. my systolic pres,nre was usually around 180 and my dias,olic pressu re , round 95. My docto r made me lie down for ten or fifteen mmutes, then took an<>lh.·r reading. This was al"",ys , vast improvcment-around 150 ovcr 90. Th", was not grea,. but it meant I was unlikely '0 have a stroke au ~' ti.m" soon. \Vhite COal Syndrome_ Well. maybe. I knew it had something to do with my heaT(. But whll my doctor newr factored into her diagnosis was ,hal I came 10 her office from home. So when she took my blood pressu fe, .t Inst pan of it was a jUdglllC1lI on my life with my wife_,hl! bleak. stagnated life of "'par:tte beds, blended families and an ex-h nsb~nd who WlS getting married nCxt weck. Of cour& my blood p,""ssur{" w"s sky high. Whae e lS<' would it bd
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When I lay there on the couch for a while, listening to the distant traffic rumble down Harley Street, my mind drifted away to the happier part of my life. The first reading was my life with Cyd. And the second reading was my other life, my secret life, my life with Kazumi. I knew her now. She was not just a pretty young woman who had caught my eye. I knew about her childhood, the salary-man father who drank himself senseless after work, the mother who gave up her dreams of traveling the world for a man who didn't love her. I knew about Kazumi's broken marriage, and the courage it took to come to London to start again, and I knew how her face, often seriously dreaming, lost in her thoughts, could suddenly light up with happiness, light up totally without warning, like the old-fashioned lamps on Primrose Hill. I knew it wasn't the same as building a real life with someone. It wasn't the same as dealing with the grind of all the things that can break down-washing machines, boilers, cars, families, marriages-but she was still the sweetest thing in my world, and that was real too, more real than anything. We talked to each other, Kazumi and I. We talked about everything. Apart from my wife, of course. We never talked about her. 'We need to be more aggressive in treating you," said my doctor. She adjusted my prescription. Instead of taking 40 mg of Zestril once a day, I would now take 20 mg of Zestril and 20 mg of Zestoretic. But in my heart-my mad, pumping, lovesick heart-I felt that for what ailed me now, pills would never be enough. How many girls and women had I taken home to meet my mum?
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It w::I.S not ...'Very gIrl [ ever "'01:: {(, the pictures. and not
every wOman 1 cvcr took to bed. But. what with th<, t<-CIIJI,'" girlfriends 3ud the twO wives, 'w muSI Ilave ken III the doub[e fignrcs by now And lS Klzttmi and [drove deeper into the SIIburbs . the urb~II sprawl fin"lIy giving way 10 the fIelds of eJ rly summer. I TeJliud th( crittr ion for bringing 3 wOman to tnttt my mum had a["",)'5 be.,,, th( saTllc-th is OTIC. this sJX"Cil[ one. would be ,hc hst girl ,hal l ewr brought ho"'e. Why do we phce 50 ",uch imporlance on the firse It's the last one that COunts. At this rim{" 111 her life, I would haw likd to have sparoo Illy mum my htest domcstic upheava L /::Iut there was 110 point in telling her tha, Knumi was jus, a friend. My mum kn.'w that for a. llIan who", m~rri~"", w:os 111 troubk, the..., waS nO such thing. T he old house on a Sunday arternoon, Pat kt UN in, "Tllhng at Kazumi. not qUH<' ahk to ""rl:: om what she "f:1S do"'g h.' re. In the living room my mum ""'-, sitting on the carpcl, rot:oling hcr shoulders wilh a [ook of quiel concentration on her face. Site 1,'01 UP. a lillie cntbarra.sed to he discovered [ike this, bm ki ssed Kazumi lS if she had known her forewr. " I kilo love, JUSt doing Illy cxcrcis<'s: My mmher had hc<,lt tllTOu gh hell. 3ltd she aClCd as if 11 had beeu , stroll in the parI::. Aft<;r SIIrgery Jnd Tldiotllerapy. ,he nmscks in her right arm wtrc stiff aud right. She had exercises to colltrolthe pain. and diffcrt"1It excrciscs to rCl?il1 the use of ha right ~rm. Sht did these exercises with ~ g<J<xI gT:tce. never complaini ng. ,nd [ kncw now that she was actually tol1gher ,han ,II of liS mcn in her life.
~Two
years I h~vc to do them for, swccthe. rt: she told KazulTI;. My IIIUIII unly "eedttl to k"ow you for five secunds be:fon, shc starts calling you k....., da,jj,,!I. and J"'I'/"llw~r'. "That's what they lold me: Knnmi, !>al aud I walched my nmlll run throngh her exercisto progralll for our btnefil. She dernorlStratcd Shoulder Circling. I b ir Brushing. Assisled Lifl. Back SCT:ndn"g. B~nt Arm. !>Toudly lossing oul Ihe ,,,me'S of her c:<ercis<'S the way she hld once mentioned the Walkin' Wazi. Ihe Lost in Anstin and the Four Slar lloogie. And I knew Ihal the~ exercises werC Ihe le.SI or il. ShO' would not pUlthis thing behind her with a bil,.,f Slretching. Even after .he monStrous surgery thaI was necessary 10 ,ave her life. she would nevcr rnlly be: ovcr !h.s thing. The nlflni tonng, .he exercises, the drugs, fear that the cancer "~lUld come back- it was all measured in years. My mum got pms and needles'" her arm. an ab'Oni~ing ""in ttl her chesl. And :os we had our te~ and bi.,ui!s, I notice-a that she had d,'vc[oped this habit of cx:mltnlng h<'T hand. Some of he"!" lymph It(xks undcr her ann had been re1lI0,·cd. an d my mum had lx'Cn told thattlli. co uld ,ausc lymphoedema-a build up of fluid in the ti'>sues of her urn. She had been told to watch out for ,welling on the affected side. her right side, and shc watch,'d all th" time. Perhaps she would alwa~"S watch 1Iow. Ewry fcw rniutitcs or so. she examined her hand, looking (or signs of Ihe begi nning of the end. C hetllOlhcTlpy had lefl her feeling ~s though she had the worst hangover in the world, ~ hangover that would nOt grt be:uer. Mercifully her hair did not rail OU t. Radiull,crapy Itfr her tired "nd sore. (ecling like she had flilen asleep in a burning SUIl She bughed abom things thaI would luve grown tn~"-mc, for examplc- wetpmg In a darke,,~d rOOm. · 1 w:;rS looking forward to my hair fal hng Out,- she said.
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smiling lms.::hievou.,ly. "I mu ld have worn my Dolly Parton wig.' 1'31laughed apprecialively. lie didn'l understaud too much of Ihis. even though my mum llld ! both pored over cvny \,,"ord in the le~nel TaIH".~ u'i,IJ }",,, cI,i/d",n a/o",u b....'s! {~'''17 ("If you arc ,bk to lalk houeslly ,ud o~nly wilh your falmly at .. ach slep, yo" will hopefully find thai famihes can ~ a grnl source oflovc and suppon"). l~", he knew the sigllJIs thl! in_ dica'ed ~ joke was ocing nllde- the b ....:<;czy tilt in ,he voice. the raised eyebrows. thc rolled eyes--alld he ,,-as ~Iways delighled to respond ~mhusiastica lly. I found il much lurdeT to smile. because I knew my son would be fully grown OCfore we could say Ihis 'hing inside my mOlhn W:l> lruly ocaten. Ynrs ~nd yeus, it would ~Il take years. Th~ OCSt th,l could happen would take ~"C3rs. T he worsl ,hat could happen would be ,h<;Cf<: in a momen,. T here were 20 milligrams of ta"'o~ifen. an anti-estTOj,>C1l treatment. <'-''''''ry day, whieh made my mum red like she w ..~ havmg .nolheT menopaH",'. She would take it fi>r five y,'ars. After twO ~...ars, perhaps she would uo longer haw to do excrcises. PnllJps. Sec what ,he donors say. l·hvc to " '3 it and 'c~. And Ihere were lIill many Ilungs she would nO! talk 10 me ahoU!, dungs Ihal I Iud to gue,s ai, 10 wheedle o ut of surg<:ons aud hcr old female friends and all diose pink and purple le~ncts. Whal "'~. mum would .-:all- "",,,,,,,, I/'i,te" She slill couldn't wear a br:> beonse of ,he sc~r. occ:msc il wa, $Iill so r:lW ~nd sore. This ....,emed in$ullingly cmel Again 1 was rtmind~d thatlhis canc~r samtd sad is Ii cally committed to making my nnnn fed li ke kss of a wOman than sh~ was btfor<;c 13m my nn,,,, d<;cah wilh all the indignity. p~in and te rror wilhout complai nt. with the kmd of good-natured, mocking pragmatism that sh~ had shown all her life. She went {() mak~
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more tea, and she smiled at me over Kazumi's shoulder, raising her eyebrows while giving a little nod. I knew that look. I had seen it when I brought Gina home for the first time. And Cyd, too. That look meant-she's a smasher. Kazumi was on the living room floor with Pat. They had met before, of course, when she took his photograph in Gina's garden, and I was both happy and worried that my son remembered her so clearly. Would he mention Kazumi to Gina? Or, worse still, to Cyd? How would I get out of that one? Kazumi was patient and kind, playing with one of his video games, while he regarded her with a kind of delighted curiosity. I feared that my son understood more than I would wish. Not yet eight years old, he was already wise to the ways of the world. Or at least the ways of his old man. Is this what it would be like for Pat and me at the other end of our lives? In thirty years or so, would I be old and fighting illness, with my son all grown-up and divorced and ready to try again? And when I am fighting for my life, would my adult son still be bringing home some young woman for my approval, acting like he's never been in love before? Kazumi was good with Pat. They laughed together, they played together, and although I knew it was unfair to compare her to Cyd, who had the permanently thankless role of stepparent, I couldn't help it. This just felt easier. Maybe it would have been different if we were living together. No, definitely it would have been different. But as Kazumi and Pat played, Nuke Universe Two, I dreamed of running off with the pair of them. To Paris or County Kerry or anywhere far from here. I looked at my son with Kazumi and I believed that it was not too late to start again. And as I looked at the infinite kindness in my mother's face, watching the pair
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of them playmg tOg<;!ther, I ~I"" d""perately w~nted to t.. vel with h~r. to ~<' sOm~ other thitlgs whik w~ still could alld Ix,fOf<' it was too lat,;, I want<.x1 to g"t us all away fro", this place. My 111U111 Clme blcl:: with OC~ Jnd biscuits lnd I showt'd her the brochures that I had bmnght with me My IllUIll han_ dled them cartfully, as if she had to givt' them bacl:: to their rightfulown..r. COll ntry. listen to this. - Nashville. Mum. T he home Mil'" We c~ n b'O together. l'at h!Q. [n one of ,he holidays. Kazumi, if ,h,,'s nOt busy with her worl::. A r"al holiday for you. Listen Mum- 'Six 1I1Iilion people a yeu t.. vel to Nashville. li:nnesS<."<:, the home of cou ntry music. Enjoy ,he rhines,,,ne glitter of the Grand Ole Opry. Music ]!"w and ,he Country MuSIc Hall of hmc Experience the Nashv,lle Sound of I hnk Wilham s, Pa tsy Clm", J lln Reeves, [{mny Ho~,'ers and Shani1 ·]:.,.,in.' Sounds b'I'C3t. docsn't it? Mum:" But "'y mum WaS ditTerent from me, She didn't dream of esc::lpc. She wanted to stay here. ~Sounds lovely, darling, Um I'm happy in "'y own home." She put the brochure down. And J s~w that lily ilIUm Was never b'Oing to make it to Nashville. This is where we were SO difYerem, U nl ike me, my mother didn't helieve ,hat happin(";s was always somewhere else, " l lik" holidays: she sa id 10 Kaz",,,,, "My husband and [, we used to go SOUltwhcre ~,.ery yeM. Cornwall and Do .... t when Harry was yOlm!;. We evell went to Noro.':Iy a few tim~'S_ l"vc gut a brother who settled therc aftcr the war. Ille! a lovely girl. I had six brothers, did I larry tell you that?" KaWllll made su itably impressed noists. Sh~ was b~lI illg the hlns of this very quickly. "T hen Spain later. when Harry didn't \valll to come with uS anymore: contin n~d my mum. "Um Ilik" it hac. Do ron
or
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know what I mean? I like that feeling you get, that feeling you don't get on holiday, when you're away from everything familiar. You know; that feeling you get when you're part of a family." Then my mum looked at her hand, as if admiring her bright red nail polish, or searching for signs ofiymphoedema, or maybe just looking at her wedding ring, a modest band of burnished gold that somehow contained an entire world.
24
You NEVER SAW ANYONE so happy
to
oc having a
blby. Wh<:n I Camc back from running;1l the park. she WaS on
the suirs. laughing and crymg ~11 at th,: <;.;Ime time. "I'm pn:\'nam," she said, like il "':IS the bes, dUllg III the
world. Theil sl l~ was in my arms aud later, when \\'C had lIntangled our limbs, and st3rt:d al each other. bughing OUt loud, unable to believe 00r lock, aftcr all of thaI she showed me the bloc line 0" the pregnancy te,l- that thm, blue, mdl .. puublc linc. And in til<' days and w<'cks ahead .•11<' kept okill!; ,"ore pregnancy tests, looking for that bin" linc ag,ill and again, as if it w::I.S too b'OOd to he ITn". Mayhc there arc other pregnant
wOmen who~ favorite past;",,,, is ~"d[essly talillg a p~gna"cy teSt, (WII tltongh Ihey already know the answer. evell though they []lVC already had the happy result confIrmed do~ells of times. But Gina waS the firs, wOman ,hal I <"Vcr really knew. Th(" firs, wom1n I lived with. th~ first wOm3n I married.
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She fimnd ~ souree or end less wonder in her da,ly pregn~ncy ttS'S. and I fo""d a S(mrc<' of wonder ill hn. T ha, was allnus, nine yC'ar:s agu now. T ht world tuTUed. and kepi turning. and nOI only was my wife now my ex.wife. but she was about ,0 become ,he ex.wife of ano,her Illan. T hC'y talk .bom ,ht dIVorce st:llistics alld tht fluctuating failuTt r:llc uf tht mooa" JIl~rriage. nm fur my C'x-w,fe 311d lilt the "'C seemed to be 100 percent. T hatth;n blnc linc rcpn:sell1ed a little hcartbe,t inside her. and that glimmtr ofhfe was nOw a boy. almoS! tight ytars old. changing ncry wtek, growing t«II, that w,ll have to last him until his dying day, and this lire he is leading- bouncing frolll one home to another, onc school '0 another, onc country '0 anOlhn, senng marnage, cTUmble. learning dut ,he ~d"h world IS fragile and w"ak and fal1ihlc--scem, 10 be rohbing him of his-well, I don', know what you would nil it. nobbing him of lu, halo of innocence. The au,," of light that wa, all uound hill, as a hnle boy, th" light that made stnngns stop and smile at him III the st reet. Pat is still a beautiful boy. He still shines. To me he still look~ like the most beautiful cllild in til" world. Hili thi, life has robbed Inm of that angel glow. It has 1,'()ne, and it will ,,,-,vcr eorne back. and whIle II is p',,,ible that we all I",e that augcl glow in thc tnd. I can', hdp frding thal Gma and 1who hl'ld that vtl)' firsl prcguaucy test as if it was as precious as our baby himsclf._ share ml>St of the blame. We could have done better for our boy. But Gi ll ~" mood was such th at right now sht blamC's her tates, tx-husbaud for ~vtl)',hlllg. "EaSler. righ,? Sho"ld,,', Ix a probklll. sho"ld 1l? You would think that Easter doesn't present too tIlany possibilities for domes'ic strife" We were III ,hr tiny ki,chtl1 orher flat, drinking somejasmine tta. This love ofJapan, this y~arnlll!: for ,hC' life she had
,II""
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given up for marriage and me and Pat-she was never going to grow OUi of it 1I0W, she was m,Yer goillg co scop missing 11131 life she had nn'er 1::1I0wn. ~Bul Riclwd objeCk'li 10 Ihe EiSler egg tim J houghl P:lI. Call you believe it'" Pat appcned in tht· doorway. ~C~n I watch '/1,r l'/,,,mcin MfnlUt 011 DV D?" This to Gina. ~ N o. you're going out with your father." "Just some of the specia l features_ A few of the delctt-d SCcncS. The mterview with thc director. Productiun notes." "Go 011 then." Pat disappeared. Smting orchestra1 music swelk'li (rom the little living rOOm. "This Easter egg I hottght- it was beautiful, Harry_ Milk chocolate and covered with little hearts in red Icing. A big purple bow around it. And Hichard-----b'Ct this--",id it was the kind of egg you buy for a 10I'fr, not a child, For 110\'er! All Easter egg for a lover! That's what he said! He said it was the kind of egg you buy for your husband or wife. J mean . can you be lieve the !",ttines> of the man? As if ! can't buy my son whatever Easter t'gg I bloody well like ... " "Arc you talking to him?" She smiled. "You've heard o f the old cow syndrome'" ~Don't think so." "When a bull has mated with a cOw once. he's not imn· eseed anymore, Doesn't mattcr if the cow is rcally cute, The hu ll couldn't care less_ It· s calk'ltt" how attractive the cow is.I1<"sjust not interested. Well, it works the other way around for t his old cO\v. When I"vc fmished with them. rve finish~-d with them" She m ade me laugh. I co u ld hear the bitterness in her yoin', and I knt'W that this new lift- waS hard for her too. Be·
.wo
T ,).~y
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cause it """., hard for ~lly 'Ingle pU~nI. Alld- mcredibly. it SC<'flled to m<~tI,at's wlut Gina was ,,(M.. She was angry, SOnr atld sad. Bm I fdt an ctl ormotls affection for this wOlllan who had 01lce bee1l closer 10 me tha1l anyone in the wor ld. A ',>oman who would almost ceruinly be my best friend if we hadu't nuu~d it by genius marri~d. And for the first Um .. I slartcd 10 dunk that Onr manilb~ hadn't becn a failure NOI really. We could have donc bener for Pat, We cOllld have hccn kinder to each other. All this W1S true. But we wtr~ together for sevell yeus, we produced a swtCt. carillg kid whose existence w,lI make this world a better place. and we could still ulk.o each o.her. Most of the time. IJVhen she was not being an old Ct>W and I ",,"s not full o( t<XI much old hull. So who IS to ""y that our munagc failed? A few glKKl years and a great kid- maybe that's the best anyone can hope for. Gina and I had been throng]' the mill, and we could slill sit in a room UIh"'ther, drinking Ja,mllle te. while she bitched ahout h" r fmllre <·x-h ushmd. O"'p in our h"tory, GlIla and I had soUlcthing that Cyd and I lacked. 11 Went back to that blue hne. It \"tm back to that day I came back from running in the I"'r k and, through laughter and tears, Gma told me that sht was 1,"Villg Onr baby. We had l1Iiss<'d Ihat. Cyd alld I. the hope and joy and optimism that Gi,,, saw in that bl" e line, Ihat thi n blnt line lead_ ing to all our tomorroW's, and '-'"' stake in the fUlUre. "Ah. sure the...:', nOlhmg like il: Eamon said. -To lovc pure and chaste (rom afar. Nothing like it---except, pcrlups, wild IInprOlecwd sex ~s yOll take her 'ollghly (rom behind. SIIre, that's evell slightly bener.I was hcgillllmg 10 wish thaI I had li~d. I WlIS hcginlli ll g 10
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wi,h th~t I had never told hmI that KazullIi and j hadn't cons",nmated Onr rdationslnp. ·Shc undcrstands tne." It .....as true. Kawmi kll~"W what I W;J.S !,'Oing Ih rough wilh my mum. And my son. Even. al. though we didn't like to put ir into so llIany word~. with my wifc. ·She undastands you too ",dl, I larry: Eamull took 1 slug dhis ",iner,1 water. ran ,lund through his thick black lods. ~She'~ playing yon. man Don·t be fooled by Ihlt sweel aCt. All that hello-flowers. hello-sky stuff.~ l ldlo-flowtrs. hdlo-sky?" "Kazumi undersunds that when 1 man gets what he wants, he never wantS it agai n ' We we", in Eamon·, dressing room m a comedy duh in the E3st End. T he dressing rOOm waS mOrt of 1 hroom cupboard compared with what ,ve were used to in televisiun. and the club waS actUllly an old-fashioned. pints_and·pork_ scratchmgs, torn.eco_stamed pub that had bdatedly tried to hitch a ride on the com<·dy bandwagon. It was not a million 11111<:5 away from the ki nd uf place that Eamon had ap[X"Jrcd in before TV came c1l1ing. What had ehang<:d was his attitude to,,,,,rd women. The cavalier sex llIerehant of old WH now urging caution. doing everything he could to b't"t TIlt to go back to TIly wife and Stop the tnadntss. Addiction had done to Eamon what It docs to a lot of people. J[ had n"de him long for ~t
mate- thought that it would he differcm If I ,ould sleep with KaZllmi. G,"t It Out uf my system. If Kazurm and I had sex. Ealllon told m'". th'"11 I would !;,:c her as JUSt another girl. B,:cmse right now thlt W:lS the onc thing K:lZumi WJS not-just ~nother girl. BII! I didn't think that sex, when it finally hap_ p<"ntd, would makt any difftrenc('. Except to makt It impossible tu live withuut htr. "Can't yon sec what you're doing, Harry' You're nllking the best bit 1,'0 on and on'" "T he beSt hit?" "T ht" chase. The pursuit. T he fevcr of all1inpatioTl. It's the best bit. isn't it' If we own up, ifs much better than anything that comC"S later' ~ Renlln d me never tu h~\'C ,,'X with you." "You don't w:lnt the good stuff to d it", !-larry. Like it died with Gina. And Wilh Cyd. Yuur wife. And every other woman you ever knew. You want the hest to bst. So what do you do? You I,,,,,t thl' pbtonic thmggOlng. You make the chase, the pur_ suit, the delay of pkasure last foreveT." "Is Ihal Wl,al I am doing? I dOH 'lt hink so. r,t· slept ,,-ith pkHty ofwomeu that J didu't lovc. Why cau't J lovc a woman that [haven 'Isleptwith'" Slepl ",illl- [ couldn't stop usmg d,.t maccurate eupheTllism. E\'crytlnng else JUSt sounded 100 mech,Hical. "L:>Ok at it tIn> way. Whal is it all about? Til<" whole thing_ sex and romance. men 3nd women' It·s about ddaying the moment of rcle~sc. It's ~bout postponing pleasure. [t's about puniug ecstaSy On hold. n d .. x, dou't do it. Frankit G~s To [ Iollywoud knew what they wae talking abour, ! larry. And what lrc you doing with this woman yon haven't slept with" ~Tellmt."
· I(s obvious. By fallmg SO hard for someo,,(' you have,,'t
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you'rc dclaymg the moment "freiCHe- forever, Of courS(' you' r<' mad abom lin. \VI,), would"'1 you Ix-? You'll Ixm3d abom her unlil you sc<" Ihat sll<"'s flesh and blood. JUSI like yOllr wife." ~You Ihink I'd StO P caring aoont K:.zlIllli if we had scx" "No. i lh",k you would b.: abk 10 Ihmk mOrt ckuly. AI lhe mOm .. m you"rt falling ill lov .. with a fantaSy. and IlI lt'S Ih .. most dangerous thing in Ihe world." ~You really think you can't care aboul som~'Qn e IImil you'vc cxchanged bod ily fluids?" ~ i ky, don't kllock iI, I larry. It breaks the ice." !Iooked lImy WdlCh. "Vi),,'re on in one mi nule." " No Illa ll can ,hink clearly unlil he's been dcspunked. Harry: Maybe. I cou ld see ,ha, a p!aconic r<'ia,ionship made ewry,hing seem hopelessly romanlic. A midaflernoon cappuccino with Ka~tlln; m some ~ \ln-d apl'led little cafc hecame some" thing J"d remember forew r. A Polaroid we took of ourselves on l'rim rosc Hill- Kazum i Iaughmg a., we banged " ur hnd~ IQb't"ther, trying to b'C t ill the shot-beC3 me d, e hi!;l,light of my week. She S
makc Cyd happ,cr if sh~ w>s with somC()ne else. 5h~ ccreamly didn't S("cm roo thrilkd by her life with TIlt Tight nOw. 50 ruaybo.· it would be: better all around. One harsh. painful tCaring aSllndcr-of ~ nmriJgc , J honse, ~ homc-and then everybody wonld get a chance to have their happy ending ~You dOIl't ~V~1I I",,,,,, her,~ Eamon said, "'ttm'pting my plans for a neW life. "You'vt sfX'ru- wh3t?-one hundred hours arOllnd each other ? If th~I;' " H O\v long do y<Jn think it takes' How long be:fore yon k.now?" I k shook his head. exasperated. Omsidt. surprisiugly dose, ""C could hear hcrklcrs shouting down d,c female comedian on stab'C. ~You fucking idIot, HarT)< You're really gOIng to leave y<Jur wife, your terrific wife, who you do nOt fucking descrw. for some slip of a girl who you hardly know?" He WlS b'Cnuincly anb"Y with mc. " I didn't say that.~ ~Wcll, wheT<' do you think thIS thi ng IS head"'g?" " I don', know.' "You better st:m know,,,!::> pal. You h.,-c st.lTted it now, and soonCT or later-prohahly sooneT_it will all end in te.,."." "Why should it end In tears?" " BtcauS(" you have to ch05<'. you dumb bast"rd, Once you b'Ct "'to One ofthtse thi lt g>;. you always have to chose." "And wha! if I make my choke. and [ chose Knnmi. H ow do you know it would be a dis.:lSlCr? How can yOIl be so sUTe?" [k hcld up his hands, a mocki ng surrender. "I don't know. I larry, Neither do you. Bm have sex wnh Ka7.llmi Havc lots of scx_ Then sec how you feel the first time she says something negativc aOOll! yOllT son ~ ·What if she nevcT doxs? What ,f she's great with him?" "T hcn p3Ck. your bags "nd go."
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He pressed ~ SIlver key III Illy hand , I st:lrcd ~t II. He d idn't haw to tdl ",.' that it \o\':]s d,.· key to his nat. "Kazurni·s b'Tcat: Eamoll said. "But the world is full of great women. Thll's whal rormlllic fools like yOll never admit . Thcr~ are a million great women om th~re T~n mil_ lion. You could Ix- 111 [ove with anyone ofthern. GlVtllth( right eirnllTtSt:luees, given timillg. Soor.... r or ]altr yuu l,aV<' to SlOp torm~llIins yourself with the th ought tlllI there's just One ont ther~ with yonr mme on. Yon have to be happy with what you'vc got. You haw to [ow rhe one you'r~ with. You have to say- this is my home flOW. this is my wIfe and this is wh~re rill staying:. SlOp looking:, I I arry Just Slop l()oking:, will yoo'" From long ago, I heard the voices of my part'Hls, ju,t "", YdM <'}'fJ, my mum and dad would lell me .j,m res! your '1"'. BUI E~mon hdd out the silver key. And I took il. ~I
startcd usmg thesc scnsitive condom'.~ Eamon .. id, prowling across the tiny Stage. "Scnsiti ...· condonrs- yeah . the)"r" gTCat. What tlrey do i>, after you Ir,.c had s~x and fallen asleep . the scnmivc condom cuddles thc girl and talh to hc r ahout her fedi ngs. s"nslIivc condoms send nowe,..; the next day. N.,vcr furgrt to cal1 ... ~ A s...."'l1 of bugl",:r in the audkuct, IIlil<ed with a few groans. There "...asn 't the easy willi ngness to lallgh Ihat yon found in a TV audience. There w:os a kind of Cllstomer who came to these 'hmgs for the pItasure ofbairing the pour sap UII Stab"" 0111 in tIre smoky darkness. SOllIe uf them werc reslless ~Go' any (okc. Eamon'" ~Ah, I don', do thar anymore: Eamon said m,[dly. "T he doctor gave m.. suppositories for my addiction. Ito[d him th(y
,wren' t working. He said, well. have yOll ken u king them reglll~rly? I said- what do you Ii,i"k I've k,'n doing. Doc? Shoving them up my an;,:?" More bnghter. And some boos · Yeah. sensitive condoms. People say_ wearing a condom during sex is lik~ wnring a raincoat III the showtr. Th~y'vt b'Ot to oc kidding. With all th ..st new dise,"",s, 1101 wearing a condom during sex is like wearing ~ live (usc box in the \xtth . lau[;htcr and a srn.llerlng oflllcceasingly vitriol ic abuse. "You losn, Eamon, you has·b.,e n!" "Fuck offback to the detox dinic!" ·Waiter. Ihis (ish is om" "Condoms, yeah." The little Woody Allen cough. "These d.ys ~"O<, b..-:t pacb of condoms for all different nltionalitic'1;. You gt:tthe six"pack for Italians. That's Monday to Saturday with. day of rest on Sunday. And YOIl b'Ct the eight pac k for the French. T hat', Mond ay to Saturday, and tWIce on Sunday. Aod you gt't the twl'1vc pack for the Bri tish." A pause. H,s timing was always good. "Jan nary, F~bruary. March. ,,' A klhb'Cr~nt voice from the back, hoars~ with Cig:HCl1C-S and loat hi ng. "Come in, Eamon Fish- your (ifteen mmutes IS up!" "My partnts didn't ha"" 10 wurry about condums. Nu, they did,,'t havt to worry aocm t any of that. Nut that their s<"X life was vcry happy. One night I heard them Ihrongh the bedroom wall. They were trying to have sex and it just w3$n', working. My mother S.l.id-'W hat"s th~ rnal1a? Can't you think of anyon~ tither?' " · "',u're not (unny!" ,he voice ShOlllro. "It's nOlthll kind of comedy: Ea",on s.>id. • • •
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It w:lS a big city but a small world. Sooner or later We .....""Cre ~:oi ll g 10
Ix· sten togtthn. Natl1rally W~ avoided the da1lgt"T ZOneS of nonh and C<·1IInl london. IhJI snrpri~ingly large swuh of Ihe city when: Cyd eould oc working. or Gina con ld be lurking. Bnt evcntually wCc Gina." He finally took his eye> off KazLlmi "To be honest. I want her 10 corne b>.ek.~ - T his" Kazomt," I <;.:lid. fiH a coward ly moment dunk ing about passing btr uff as a work collcab'llc, or a business associal<·. 11m Ihe tmlh is dllt Rich,rd didn·t care. He WlS in a sUle Ihal wa, ocyond caring abo", Ihe romantic L~ngl.;'S of olhcrsno job. 11 0 WIfe a"d a hfe that had T
~Th"m
and the crack deaicrs. LiSlen. Richard, w.., haw to b'O, Good luck "ill, ... tvtr)'lhmg," 1 watched Knumi and Richard sn'ihng and shaking hands and I thonghl of Gin~'s old bllil theory, knowing he didn't have' ch, nc" in h..,l1 of gening her II,,!:. T ht" we left h"n , our drinks abruptly ,b,IIOOned , my b'lllit htrding liS out ofth.. door, And that's wh..,n J remembered the key ill Illy pocket We let ollrsdV<.'s lllto Eamo,,' S iht. It had bet'n hought durillg t h~ boom yeaTS of I'ul, 011 Friday, lucrati"c ]x:rsollal appearallces and becr cndorscmcnl'S_ waleMmnt loft o""rlooking Tower !:Iridge, Ihe T lmnes and the colonized docks, all li t up lik..,,, lOunst poslcard of l ondon 31 nigh l, Kazunn w,,1111O the Wlil-high windows ,nd slHed Oil! at the inky bl"k ri~cr, the illuminated bridb'
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ken. Kazumi c~me back from the bathroom fully dressed and Indy 10 b"0. "Ah. nOI yel: I said. "1'lease. Knumi. Cornc hCTe. Nobodi~ going to disturb U~ ag;tin. Look at the view" She shook her head. "If. not my view." I didn·t t1)" to arb"'C with her. [wcnily did up Ihe buttons of my shirt. Wc quietly kl ourscl",·s Out oftl,,· fbi. " It can·t go on like this." she said lsI flagg<.-d down a uxi. "[ mean it. Har1)". It can't go on" A"d it did,,·t. Because .fltt dropping Kazumi uff I went hume. whcre my wife told 1l1C 11141 she WaS [caving tnc.
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HAD BEEN LEFT BEFORE, OF COURSE.
But this time was different. When Gina left me, she went in a fury-not caring what she took and what she left behind, just wanting to be out of our home, just wanting to be away from me and our life. I remembered a half-shut suitcase spilling Pat's socks, betrayed tears smudging her mascara and a throbbing pain just above my heart, where she had thrown my cell phone at me. Despite all of that, when Gina left there still felt like the faint chance that she would one day change her mind, that she would come back home and that the rage would eventually pass. It wasn't like that with Cyd. Cyd's leaving was calm and methodical. No tears, no raised voices, nothing done in haste. A grown-up, rational leaving, that somehow felt even worse. She wasn't leaving tonight. She wasn't leaving tomorrow. But she was leaving soon. 290
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In our linl" b'1Jest room my wife had suitcases and overnight bab'S OP':11 01 1 the siugk bed, aud covering wlm looked like every spare square 111(h of the parquet floor, Some of the CJ~S werc almost cmply. Olhers were already ftlling up with hooks, toys, C D_, and wimer doth es be Longing 10 both her and )'t-!;b'Y' By dl<' time the season changed, Cyd plann~x1 10 be sonl<'whtrt .-1st. With Gina I had fclt thai I still had a chance _ With Cyd there Wa~ no donbt at all She waS nevCT coming oock. ~Goiug somewhert?" She !l1rlled to face me. ·So r ry. I didn't hear you come in: She turned back to the suitcase she WaS packing, sucking a pile of Pc~'}"s thick woolen s,",eale rs, shaking her head. ~Sorry: ~Whal is this?" I said, coming slowly into Iht· room. 'What docs it look like?" -Looks like you're mo,"ing out." She nodded. "Like I said--'iOrry: ~Why?"
She turned and faced me. lnd [ saw the hun and anb'Cr under the caltn. "Because you'v.- Ieftll1e already. I can feel it. [ don't know why you stay. Harry. And YOIl know Ihe , ad thing" Neilher do you, You can't work oUl what you arc doing wilh me. Youcau't re1l1emocr." I shook my head, although [ knew ~very word w:lS tl11e. So1l1~'Where along the line I had forgotten why We Were togt'lher, and that's why it had been SO ea"Y to (all for someone else. "I cau'tl11<'SS around, )·larry. I told you that frol11 the stan. It's not JUSt TIle. [\-t bOOt a daughter. I have to think about her. And I know that, with Ihings the way Ihey are beN,een us, sooner or later you're going to meet some little fuck huddy: "A fucky buddy?" ~ Fuck buddy. Somcollc you call have ullcomplicated Sex
with-you'll meet her soouer or bter. Mayhe you ,Iready haw, I dou't kuow. I dou't thiuk I wall1 to know. Come on. I'larry- we don't ewu sleep in the same b... d auy more. There's J fuck buddy out there with your nJme on.Bleuded families and fitck bnddie •. It wa. a whole new world um the·re. My (atha wouldn't h."" recognized it. I didu't recognize itlllysclf. -Cyd. the last thlllg I'm looking for is a fnck buddy." She studied me for a bit. And perhaps she could see that this was ITue too. -Thm you'll find somebody you love, and that will he even mcssier. Not messier for you. But for me and my daughter. Ikmemher her? And thai's who I have to worry about nuw. Yuu'll meet sume young wom.n. and you'lI do what yuu alw,,~ do. I'larry-tell her th.t shc is the great,·'t girl Hl th,' history of the world." -I s that what I do'" My wife nodded. "And you will he lic\"c ewry word of it, Harry. Aud su will she. Or maybe it's happ<."ued .Iready. Has it. Ilarry? I law you met the greatest girl iu the history or the world? Or just the latest in a long line of them?" I looked from Cyd to her open C>5CS aud back .gain. She had packed her photo album,. T he one of (\, ggy growing up. The om, of our weddiug day. The OUeS that recorded our holidays over the years. She had stored them all 'way. -Please don't leave.- I didn't want it to end this way. Not any way. Something inside m" recoiled from making the final. neet·s",ry br.·ak. -Why not? This isn't working, Hury. Not for you. Aud not for me.-Please . • I mad," mOve toward her, but she held up hcr h.ud like • traffic cop.
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"You're not a bad guy, !-Iany. Ynu'w ..'Ot a good heart. I 'nlly belil-\'e that , But we could wast<." our lives being kind to each other, Twenty years could b-o by, and we still wouldn't know why we were tQh'Clhcr, [ know you Wlnt willt your PH, ent~ had, Harry. I know YOll want a marriage like that, Well, b'uess what) You'Te nOI the ollly 011<'."II'S been a tough lime, With my mUll1, wilh OuT kids, with work " "The 'ough times should bring llS c1o~r 'og<:lher. I wasn', exp<'Clin); nothm); but fun-packed adventure. T his is a marriab"" nOi Club Med, Sticking wgnhrr Ihrough the bad limes, ..'Towing stronger and close r through thcm- tha!'s whal it's all abolll, BUI notour marriage, Harry. And nOt us." I Im"w I had no right to fed as bad as [fell. But I couldn't help il. S,'"",); Cyd packing her bags "'em,,d like the greatest failure of my life. And what pulled at the wound was that I knew she was right. She deser,-ed more than she was gelling in this marriage. "I'", leaving beean,,' you can't, !-larry. Becau,,' you're not emel enough to go. lIm don't do 1tt(. any favors, okay? Don't stay because you pity Ille. Don't stay b«ausc you fed guilty. Don't stay just becallse you're not stron); enough 10 go: "] stay because [nre about you: Sltc smiled !,'Cudy, pbcing hcr halld on my fac<', "If you really care about mc, you'll hdp 1tte get Out of th is thing." " Btli where wi ll yon go)" " Back home. To Houston. To my mother and my sisters. Thae's nothing for n1<' here anymor{': "Whcn?' ~Afr{'r Jlln's wedding. Peggy is looking forward \0 being his bridesmaid. I'm not going '0 take Ihat aWl y from heT.· I picked up a leather photo album from th{' suitcase 011 the Ix-d, op""ing 11 at a picture that felt likt- it waS tak"" a lifnirne
ago, Pat's fifth birthday party, In the hack g.>rden o( my p~r_ eilts' house. I'lt. fresh-fac~d 3JId gorge-uus, 1't"!;h'Y, that crucial bil older. already halfwl~' to hn sixth birthday. grav.' and seri011S as she examined Ihe stTlwbcrry jelly in (ront of her. And my mum and d.d. healthy and grinning for th., camera and re_ lieved Ihal Ihe day waS b'Oing wdl. And Cyd-smihng, waving a fish paste sandwich at m .. as [ took the pirture. A 1111. shm. beautiful woman. a single mOlh.,r who had just realiz<-d tlw she W:lS not ouly b'Oing to g<:t through this ordeal_ meeting ha boy(riend's part"II1s (or the tirsttimt- hm she was actually goi ng to t'Uoy it. I low young we aU setmed, "Ikm.,mber this? n elllembcr Pat's fifth birthday party'She laughed. ~\Vl111 I r.,membo;r is your dad choking on a sausab'" roll when I told him- My e~'-I"'$bm,d'j ,~;",~ 0111 ",i,I, Q TI,ai '";~ ,~
1 smiled at the memory, ~ /,il "'..,,/ do",,, II, .. WTO''S 1001... T hat wa, one of myoid man', favonte ':xpressions." 1 closed the photo alhum and placed it hack 111 the sUItcase. "rm sorry too, Cyd. 1'", sorry 1 didll't make you happy, " I lI1e.111 il. She deS<"f\'<-rl so much mure thall she WaS getting frOlllthis marri'b'C. -Come here," she said, and I went to her, and we held each uther fur tI,., lungcsttilTle. "Still friends the-n?' [said. "Always friends, Harry." She b",ndy released me and mmed back to her packing ~BII1 I'd rather get Ollt while there's still a little love left." My IlIUIII had taken to wearing her Dolly l'.rton wig. l osi ng her hair dllTing ehemo was about the only indib"'ity that she had heen spared, bm the hig, golden wigwas nOW seeing acti.'e service. [t framro her still pretty face as she Itt Pat
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and me mto her home, and H glinted and gli,tened in the sun_ light likt a knigh!"s snit of annOnr. "Bm what happ"II~-d to your head?' Pat ash-d. ~This is my Dolly i':lrton h;tir. darling." "Yon're ohy. arc yQn?~ I asked "'Yonr hair hasn 't ,Urted_ you know. " "Not at all. Fifty pounds tI,is was in lIarrods. Shame to "",,,Ie it. Besides. blondes have "H_m: fun A5 Rod Stew," said." She actually look("d tarlfie HI ha wig. But as l'at bnsioo himsdf with the DVD playa, I sat in th(" back garde'" wilh my mill" while she told me that wearing it had nOlhing 10 do with wanting 10 be blonde ~ I' m d,fferent now: ,hc said. "People think you're ovcr it. Bm you're n("\.'tr ovcr it. Eve,)' little ache, every httk p"'" you wooder if it's coming back, if this is it. You I,' "om,al, Lid'· My mum ,hook her head . "I gCI so mad. I can't pretend that this thillg hasn't hapJ'ClItd to mc. Ilow can }'on ttll them? I low Call }1111 lIIakl' them understand? Life will nl-Ver be normal again. Normal has dunged ." I knew what she meant. At least, I think I did . Getting sic k ab-':lill was always b'Oing to be a possibiliry. And nuw it waS b-'Oi ll g to Ix- like this fo..,va. " Bill I'm ,tr(Hl),'Cr 100," my mum said. "Look at me in my big hair_ J go down the shops and I don't care who looks at mc. Wh a{ people s.y- that'S Ihe least of our problems, isn 't it? I' m hvmg for nOw. Try"'g to hv(' li fe to {he Cull . I" my Own
quiet little ,",ay. I don't plan ten ye~rs ahead. If you ,",ant a b'uar~nttt, buy J IrnSler, Now I try to apprttiate what I've b'Ot: Shc took my hand, -And apprcciate how nlnch I'm loved: -You're going to be around (or years, Mum . You've beatcn this thing. You'!! Sl"e 1>;'1 grow up: 1 really wanced to belicve it. " It's hard for people," she s:l id, as i( she hadn't heard a word J had said. - I lhin k your d ad (cilihi. way. WIlen he came back (wm the wn. Whu cou ld he tal k Io--rcally talk to-about what hc'd been throu~h? Only men who had been through the s:lmC thing. The oncs who knew: She showed me a leaflet. It was onc of those pink and purpic breast cancer kaflct:s. But this was a new one. -You can get train"'g: my mum s:lid , opening the kaflet. "They train you to be a counselor. So you can talk to women who arc b'Qing through the s.ame thing you went through. And 1 know now that's what J want to do. J w ant to help women that are fighting breast cancer. Sec, Harry? J can actually say it now. 1 couldn't (--en s:ly it beforc. CaIlCl'r. As if I had sorllcthing to be ashamed of. as if it was my fault. Do you rcmember a you"g blnnde girl at thc hospital? A pretty tbing' A bit younger than YOll . Two little boys. she bad. little smashcrs. About Pat's ab'C: 1 had a V3b'11C memory of a p ale young womcn who wa, in my mother's ward althe hospitaL -Well, she died: my ""llU said. her eyes suddenly welling up. -You're 1101 b'Qing 10 d ic.-1 want to tal k to girls like that Women, J mean . You have to 011 them women "ow. do,,"t you' Well, shc was just a girl to mC
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Pat nme into the garden, bored with the DVD. He hadn't W3111Cd to come to his gnndmothcT's housc today. Bernie Cooper had asked hint over to play. ! fclt guilty doing it. but I Iud persuaded my son that we Iud to he with his grandmother now. Because my mum was right. Normal had changed. And I had nO w.y of knowing huw lung we had left. ~My t\>."(l heautiful hoys: she said, throwing open her arms. "Hng me. The paIr of you. Come on, I'm nO! going to break.~
So we hngged ht"T, and we laughed as we bnried Onr faccs in till! Dolly I'arton wig, and we knew that we loved her more
than anyone on the face of the earth. Pat wandered b.ck to the living room, and my mnm smiled with 5.:Idncs, and happiness all at unce, panmg my shoulder. ~Your dad would be proud of yon." llanghed. "I don't know why.~ "Because you\'e taken good care of me throngh all this. B~'nusc yon love your son. Ik:causc you're a !,"OOd !IIall. You always com pare yoursdfw YOllr dad and ftnd yourself lacking. And you're wrong, Harry. No matteT how tall your father is, ynn still have to do your own grnwing.~ "But how did you and Dad do it, Mum? How do you love som<."One for 3 lifetime? ! low do you make a marriage work fOT all thai time'~ My mum didn't ~>yen have to think about it. "Yon have to keep falling in luve: sht" said . "You juSt h",.., to keep falling in love with the same pt"Tson.~ You always took your shoes off at Gina's, so the moment l';tt let uS II! with his Own personal key, I 5.:Iw them II!lInedlatdy-
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great big size tens forcing everything else off the WELCOME mat, a bit down at the heels and in need of a good polish, more like landing craft than shoes. A new boyfriend, I guessed. No surprise there. She was never going to be alone for very long. Not looking like that. Still. And as I helped Pat out of his coat, I thought what I so often thought when I was around my ex-wife. What about my boy? If Gina starts seeing someone new, then what does that mean for Pat? Will the guy like my son? Or will he see him as an irritation? Gina appeared by our side, looking red-faced and flustered. I felt a flash of irritation at my ex-wife. What the hell was she doing in there with that big-foot guy? "Granny's got new hair," Pat told her. "That's nice, darling," she said, not listening to him, looking at me looking at the landing craft. "It's yellow," Pat said. "Lovely." Pat was out of his coat and kicking off his shoes. ''You go inside. Someone in there who wants to see you. I want to talk to your daddy." Pat ran up the stairs to the living area of the flat. I could hear a man's baritone talking to him, and Pat responding with his sweet, high voice. "Richard," Gina said. "Richard?" "Looks like we're going to have another crack at it." Upstairs I could hear Richard and Pat exchanging stilted small talk. What about my boy?
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"You surprise me, Gin.," ~Do I?" .y~'S, WlI.t aboU1tlic old cow theory?" ~The o[d bull thoory-" -Whatever it was. I thnnght that when you wcre finished with d1<'1I1, yon \VCre rl'ally finished with them ." Slie [auf;hed. "Mayoc I WoIS thinkinf; of you. ' ·brry." I took a breath. let it pass. "What happened'" She shrugged. "' !;lIess [ fdt isolated. And little bit scared, mayoc. You kllow what iI's like wheu you're livinf; on your OWII with a child: ~Yes. I kllOw what it's like: "You h'Ct lonesome. You do. N o matter how l11uch yon love tht'l11 , you get lont'some. And u', hard to meel new P<"Opic. It's really hard. I brry. And I'm not eve n sure I ",:ant to go through all Ihal crap. Datcs-God. spare m e from dates. WllO'S h'Ol Ihc energy for aU that crap at OUT age?" " I bumped mlo Richard. Did he It,ll you?" She nodded , bllt there was 1I0thilig ill her eyes to indicate that she knew abollt Kazutni and IIle. So Riehm[ had kept my secret. Or perhaps he lru[y didn't care. AU hc wanted w::r.s his wifc back. "It wasu't SO bad bc,WCCU us: Gina said. ~Tlt C IIIOve was tough. And tryiug for a baby and not grning one-thai was even tougher. But wc're going to have a crack al IVF" " Ferti[ity t reatment?" She nodded. "T11<'y give ml' dru!jS 10 prorlnn' a large 1I1l1nocr of q~s. Richnd has to, yOIl kllow. Maslllrbatc." Shouldn't be tOO much 0(" stretch (or llichard. I stared at her. On e minute she was finish ed with this guy. and the next n"'lUte her o\':ln($ were working overtiml' to
h.,'e his baby. I didn't understaud her at all. Is who we share our lif," with really so r:mdol1l? Is it so easily tom down, and then put hack t<1,>(Cthcr? Gim mistook Illy silence for donbts about fertility treatment. "Ifs allth," rab'" these days, Harry, In SOme fenili!), clinics, d,,, really b'OOd ones, yon have 3 bettcr chance of cOIIU'ptiOlI widl IVF (han you have widl regular old-fashioned screwing. It's true."I don't know, G ina , I heard IVF treatment is expensive. And docsn't always work.-Maybe going through it will make uS slronger, Make uS a real husband and wi fe. )sn'llhat what we all want?" "Bul YOIl don"llove him anymore, Gina, You can' t jllst be with SOmeotK~be married to t hem, have a baby with thembecause you're f""hng a bit lone50nK.·Can'l you? What alii I supposed 10 do? Wait for Mr, Hight to come along? Not enough time, Harry, not enough energy. Sometimes this is what I think- the person you're wnh is Just the person you're with. T hat's all. End of story. It's no more than that." "You old TOmantic.' - Ifs not so bad, You're par tners. Yon Slick logether. Yon support each olher. So iI's not like one of the old songs-so wha l? A grown-up can't b'O around falling in lovl' all du" timc like some dumb-ass tttnJb'Cr. WI131 kino of tIless would Ihat make of your life '"You don't choose who yon fall in love Wilh," "How na',,-," you sound. Of COurSe you choose, 1"larry. Of course yon do.I liked 10 think that we we re friends . And I liked to think Ihat I still cared about her, ThaI I would always care aOo111 her. 13U1lhis carmg for my ex-wife, II oulywt'nt SO far, In the cud, my thoughts always Camc back to Iht ';'"UC place.
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,bom my boy?~ "Your boy?~ sh.- s.:ai<.l_ "You r boy, I-larry? You should have thought of your boy Ixfore you ban~,'t:d >Otnc littk slut fTOnI your oITKe, sho\lldll 'I you ,~ ~Wha{
And all at once I saw that there's no onc on this planet lIIu«- distant than SUlllcUllc whu yuu ,,"~IT once married {o .
26
"M A N GET SON A crowded £light," said Eamon, roaming through the smoky gloaming. "Plane's totally full. But the seat next to him, the seat next to him is empty." Hand to mouth, little Woody Allen cough. "Thinks-wonder who I'm going to be sitting next to? As you do, right? Then the most beautiful woman he ever saw in his life comes down the aisle. The face of an angel and legs up to her neck. Sure enough, she sits right down in the seat next to our man." Hunched"in the spotlight. The crowd paying attention. "The guy finally works up the courage to talk to her. 'Excuse me? Excuse me? Where are you headed?' 'Oh,' says she, 'I'm off to the Kilcarney Sex Convention. I lecture on the subject. Dispel some of the myths surrounding sex.' 'Like what?' 'Well, for example,' says she, 'many people believe that black men are more generously endowed than other men. And in fact it is Native American men who are more likely to reveal that physiological trait. And then popular wisdom has it that French me'in~ake the best lovers. Whereas statistics show that Greek /tten are far more likely to give sexual pleasure to their partners.' Then she 302
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blushed. 'But I'm telling you all this, and I don't even know your name.' The guy reached out his hand. 'Tonto,' he said. 'Tonto Papadopolous.' " And as the crowd laughed, I could see myself in that man, and in that punch line. It had never been in my plans to become the kind of man who lies without even having to think about it. That had never been the kind of man I wanted to be. My father had never been that kind of man. But by now I found I needed to lie just to balance the demands on my time. It was madness. Just call me Tonto. Tonto Papadopolous. As Cyd helped Peggy into her bridesmaid's dress upstairs, and Pat sat on the carpet watching the horse racing on Channel 4-that kid would watch anything, I swear-I sneaked down to the bottom of the garden to call Kazumi on my mobile. We were meeting for dinner. That was the schedule. And this simple thing-a man having dinner with a woman-had to be planned in utmost secrecy, as though we were doing something illegal or incredibly dangerous. And I was sick of it, to tell the truth. I would be glad when all the sneaking around was over. Not long now. When I went back into the house Peggy was standing at the top of the stairs, grinning from ear to ear, wearing her bridesmaid's dress. "How do I look, Harry?" "Like an angel." And she did. Just like a little angel. And I felt a pang of regret that this child who I had watched grow up would soon be out of my life forever. She ran back into the bedroom with some instructions for her mother about the flowers she was wearing in her hair
while [ went into the living mom and sat next to my son. He was still slaring bbtlkly althe ho= ncing on the box. 50111<'timcs [ worried about this kid, "You want to sec what else ison, Pat'" He grtlnt~'
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good with him- kind. patient, loving even. So what had Ix",n the problem? The problem had oc.:n Ill{", and nOI being salisfi{"d with h{"r kindncss, patience and love. The problem Iud been me JII along, and wanting Cyd to be something that she could newr ever be. His mother. 1 had nc"er seen 1'I:%'Y so excited.
She WOlS in her bride~maid'~ outfit for hours before she WOlS duc to be pich'd up, posing and prcemng in front of ewry available rdkering surface m the Imus{", then mnning to the window to chcrk the street for her falher. Finally we heard the sound of a I-larley revving its engine in the streel. - I-Ie's hen' !" Pq;!,'Y shouted, 1<>aTing herself away (rom the mirror in the hall. -Don't forget your crash helmet," her mother cal led from upstaIrs, It was a thenwd wedding. T he bride and groom were arrivillg al the registrar's office 011 motorbikes. EvclI the prkSi who was giving their union a blessing at • nearby church was turning np on his Honda and conducting the service in his leathers, The reception was at the historic Ton Up Caf" on the M 1. 1'%'Y was at the door w~ving 10 J im whl'll Cyd came down the stairs. And the sight oCher slIInned me. She waS "Taring a dress I hadn't SCeH for years. Hn old green silk chcollgs20T!l. The dress she had been wearing the nIght I fell in love wilh her. She SaW me looking at her, but ignored me • • s if it WaS pcr_ f<"Cdy nalllral to walk around II! tillS special dress. She helped 1'c);!,'Y into her crash helmet. "I-I uld Daddy tighl. okay?"
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To!;"ther we escorted Peggy to the curb. There were two bikes. Jim on his Nortoll with Liberty. the happy bride. ~rch cd on the back in her wedding dress, and the beSt lIlan on an ancien! Triumph wilh a sidcor. J im and his ocst tmn were both we lTing leathers over thei r wedd ing tail s_ Liberty'. unly conussiun to TOad safety waS a snov.·-whitc helmet. I stimy congr.l1ubted Jim. It waS not an easy situation. His cxwifc's estranged husband. wisl1ing her first husband we ll on his most ......,ent v,edding day- So 've d id whlt .d ubs always do at . time hke this--v.'C conce nt rated un the child. Cyd fussed with PC!ib'Y's frills as sl1<' placed hn in thc sidecar.•nd I made sure her crash helmet was secure. Then they were gone. roaring off down the st ....""'t. wedding tails and bridesmaid's dress flying. '"Yuu !,'OJng um sumewhne?" I said. Cyd replicd without looking at 'nco "JUSt doing SOIllC packi'lg." shc said. -D~..,iding what I want to take and what I want to throw .""'y." -And are yuu taking th.t dress with yuu?" "No. 1 JUSt wantcd to sec if it still fi ts." The bikes were !,'One now. She looked.t me. "Before I throw it away." She had worn that dr~...s on what was probably the happiest night of my life. That happiness j ust came upon l11e. the ,vay tTI!e happiness docs. and it was caused by dn' joy of simply standing by her side. We wnc at an awards ceremony at one of the big hotels on Park Lane. the kind of long. drunken, baek_ shpping shindig that I usually despised. Butth.t night I w.s so glad to be .1iV{' as till' sofi blut'light faded ov,'r Hydc Park. and 1 w ..s so gratcfnlto be with this illcredihle woman in her green sd k dress. th at I honestly be" lie"ed I would nevcr he s.d again _ ~ It still fits: 1 told hcr.
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Cyd look herse lf up,uirs 10 pack. 1 wcm LIllO dl<'living rOOm and Sat nexl to m)' SOLI on Ihe carpet, The bcamiful horsc.'s had gouc and he was chanud snrfing Ihrongh Ihe mind_n nmbing doldmms of midaflcr_ noon televisio n, The snllChcd im~~,'es flashed before his blue eyes, Dudf, Wlterf' My 1,,1ttsers?, snowboudiuS, Fit" PiMfd Smdf"', in a 1'/01, old music videos, W...ktd W",!d, Russian fashion uHxlcls, An' My ,Wi, ,he baking channel, Sen)" " ", Q CmtlplNI' Gil. 1 g<:mly h.>ok Ihe remole from his hot little lund, and swi,ehed otTlhe TV. -Arc you okay, I'''?" I Ie nodded, noncommiued "Oidn'tl-'cggy look lovely in her bridesmaid dress?" He though, .I><>U I i,. "She looh-d like a bdy." "Didn't she?" I pm my urn around hm,. I-Ie snuggled close to me. "And wha, about you? How arc you feeling?" " I'm a little bil worricd. n "What aboUI, darling?" ~ Ikmic Cooper: he said. He alway" rderrcd to his best frieud b~' his full name. "Hemic C ooper says Ihat dogs nct"d a passport." ~Well, I gu(";s Ihal".; lrue. If a dog is !,,'oing to be moved from onc coullIry 10 another, Ihey nero SOIllC form of ID. Bernit's righl ther<'." "Well, then, ,hi, is what 1 want 10 ku ow--clocs ilrilll<), have a passport'" " Britncy?" "My dog Brimt)'. B~:cJuse, if Brimcy d~su'l have a passpon, ,t,cu how is Richard !,'Oing 10 ~I him illto London, where we all live now'" "I'", sure l! iehard can work that OIlC Ollt. And what about n iehnd? Ilow do you ft'ti .bout st'eing hlln .gain?" I Ie shru~d. I b.-li<"V~ h~ WlIS ~uullldy mOre concented
about hIs dog th~n I". stepfather. Bruney meant infmltdy more to Pat thlll Richard '"Vcr could. And of course a dog is for lif.", Wlll"reas a stepparent could b
,,_ I
T hen: was a howl of motorbikes m the strect. Pl)lb'Y wa.' back fmm hcr wcddmg C~'d came downstairs, still in her f,,, |
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wedding?" Cyd ",id. 1'<1\b'Y beg:l!l to blbbk with txcitcmcllt."l hdd the flowers aud "calked right behiud Liberty as she walked up th~ aisle of Ihe rt-gistr.u ion office" Jim laughed. "That's my girl. Come here. Princess, give your daddy a big kiss ," Cyd and [ waochcd awkwardly while f>ther and daughter embract-d. f>cggy's pari in the celebrations was over. She wasn't joining the happy couple for their wedding rcception at the Ton Up Caft. Theil thcy woold be off to Manila for thelr honcymoon. Jim plact'd his danghtc:T on his lap, f.cing him. both of thelll wrealhed in .miles. Pal Iud joined us on dIe pavement. He covered his ears a!l"in.t the noisc of the bike's, "Well: Cyd said, "Congratulations." ·Yes: [ ",id. "Congratulations." Jim jusl grinned and Ihen t h~'Y werc go'le. I cou ldn't be" lieve it. Jim's bike roaring off down the street with his bride behind him and Ins danghter in from, You could hear the bride and the bridesmaid shricking wilh ddigln. I thought il was a kidnapping. I thougll1 he was stealing her. ~She should have hcr helmet: Cyd Slid. "I know it's just a bit offun.l3ot I don't like this ," )Ull mrnt'd at tht end of the >!rcct a!1
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JHn sighed ,'1abor:Jtdy, "Sam.' old Cyd." "Ellough: I IOld hil1l. T he grool1l looked al me. his smile 111 bJ()ne, 1nd I rolizcd Ihal il was Ihe firs. timc ,hal day he had actually looked I1Ie in the e}'~. "Enough?' h~ said. "Enough, did }"Ou say? Who art you to tcllrne en"ugh. pal' She's my daughrcr" ~ l live wilh her." I Slid. I k sneered at me. "Yuh, bUlnot for much longer. right?" I look~d at Cyd and she lookocd away. So she had told her e~-husband about 1IS . And I SUSPCCl~-d that this sho'" of luppineSS-lhe .hemcd '''edding. Ihe crowd of (riends on our doorstep. the Evil Kmevcl romme wilh 1\'!;b'Y- had less 10 do wilh his daugh tCT Ihan it did wnh his fiT>! wife. We C"Jn r~'SiSI every lempt:olion with our old partners, apart rrom tellin!; them how happy we arc now. ~ I know about you, H arry,~ J m. said. "You're no pu~nt to 1'c!;b'Y' You're not ~v~n a falher 10 you r own son, arc you?" l lookc~ggy 011 thc floor. She ocgon shovingJil1l "w:'Iy. "JuS! go. will you' J ust go. Liberty, tell hil1l lOgo." 13m Jim wou ldn', hudge. l ie waS acting all IIIdigllant, as if
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';11
res,ramed himself with me fi>r yens, hm W:lS finally ~:oi ll !; 10 tdl me wlm was 011 hi s milld. "!"HIx: glad whell you'("C out of Pcf;b')'S lif<'" he told me. I pushed Illy flee close to h is. I could ~lIlcl1 chcJP Chllll~ p.1gne and Calvin Klein. "You thin k yon're in her life, do you? Commgaroulld whclI you f~1 hk.. it 3Ild thclI 110{ a word for wceks? You call that Ix-ill!; ill "ch,ld's hfe?" Cyd was 5Cr~... ming now ;'(;0' GO'" Ont of the {OTller of my eye I saw I'cggy and i-':tt hacking away. They wer~ holdlll!; hands. Both of them "cre crylll!;. A coupk of the wedding guests wn~ d ismounti ng their bikes and giving me llleaninb>fullooks. It was geninS nasty. And ,hat is when Peggy stumbled fmlll the pavemcnt. let go of I'at's halld and fell inu} the mad. She was immediately hll by a Car. T he impact spun her around and dumped her back on the pavcmcnt. her kgs still sprawling in the road. T here ",'as dirt all over the top of her bridesmaid's dress. Chnst 110, not ~gam. I thought, rem<'mlx:rmg Pat with his head spl it open at fin' yeus old, sprawled at the bottOIll of.1I empty swimmillg pool. I stood th~("C .tttllned :IS Cyd r ushed to her
Cyd w:>.. screaming and crying, trying to hold her daughter while Liocrty pushed her away with Olte hand altd cradled l'ei:b'Y with the other. Jim was pulling at Ill{" trying to b'tCt me out of the WlY, trying to hit me-I couldn't telL And Liherty w:>.. shouting at someone, but I couldn't work out who, and then I ,,'Ot it, It snmcd strange to me that, Out of all the p<-'Ople she could be addr{'ssing. Liberty waS ulking 10 the BMW driver with the mobile play"'g, "Wal tzing Matilda" -Ambulance: she :>;lid. "Callan ambula"ce!~ I wondered what had ocen SO imponam. A lext m{'s:>;lb'" from his girlfriend, I though!.l-k'sJust like m{'. In his own little dream world. huning everyone around him. Peggy fractured her leg. That was it. That was .11. And that was bad enough- I
hope I "~"'er"'"1: a child in that1lluch pain again- but we :>;II in the back of the ambulanc" knowing that she could have be"n killed. A greenstick fracmre. the doctor at the hospital called it. mcauing an incomplete brea k of the bonc. Th e outcr shell of the bone w:>.. intact, and the frJcture w:>.. imide. The doctor said that a greenstick fracture is what children get, because their bones Ue so flexible . The bones of adults JUSt break in twO. Gh'e them a hard enough knock, and adults JUSt fall to pIeces. They gave her a CAT scan even though her head wasn't bruised, and it waS ek.r. Tit,/, &lve h"r junior painkillers. put her in pl as1("r and hih'd up her leg in a kiltd oflwmnoc k tim sat on top orher hospital bed. She was soon silling up and gazing imperiously at the other residents of the children\ w:>.rd. It ",as,,'t like l'a t's aceidelli. She waS nrvcr in any lifrthreatening danb'tCr. But I s{i ll glimpsed a visiun of a ",mid
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where something unspeakable had happened, and it made my blood run cold. There were five of us sitting by her bed. Jim and Liberty. Cyd and Pat. And me. Drinking bad tea from Styrofoam cups, not talking much, still numb with shock. Mter screaming at each other in the street, we might have felt embarrassed to be here together, if relief had not overwhelmed every other emotion. When the doctor came to the bedside, we all jumped to our feet. "We'll keep her in tonight," he said. "What we've done is reduce the fracture, meaning the broken ends have been restored to their natural position, and now we just have to hold the reduced fracture in position while it heals." He patted Peggy on the head. "Do you like dancing, little lady?" "I dance very well, actually," Peggy said. "Well, you'll soon be dancing as good as ever." Out of my eye, 1 saw Jim glance at his watch. He and Liberty had a plane to catch. When the doctor had gone, the bride and groom said their good-byes and rushed off to the airport. Then there was just the three of us. We stayed by Peggy's bed until night had fallen and she had slipped into sleep. Cyd put her arms around Pat and me, and that somehow seemed to be the signal to release all the pent-up tension of the day. Keeping the noise down so we wouldn't disturb Peggy and her sleeping neighbours, Cyd and Pat and 1 held on to each other as we all cried with relie( And for the very first time in my entire life, 1 couldn't tell where my family ended, and where it began.
27
J STILl WENT TO SEE KAZUMI. I was mcant to be at her fl.! at eight. lnd despite every-
thing tim had IUl'pcncd. I was almost exactly on time. And as she buzzed me through the front door, [ ",ondercd- how C~11 )'OU do it? How call you come to sec this Slrl when Peggy is in
the hospiul? And, not for the first time. I wondered whal my father would h.v" thought of me. But I kn<-"W I
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there simply because it was easier than
not being there. [ had to take Pat to my
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and canceling
Kazumi would have Ix'en hard<.'T- lHon' excuses, 1I10«C liesthan JUSI !HTlIing up for this appointm{'m with my s<"crct life. There was nothing I could do at the h05piu1. Once the ini_ tial shock had passed. Cyd even seemed a linle cmb>r ... s""d to h.,"(, lIle touching hn- holding her, cuddhng her. trying 10 comfort her. Inappropriate, she:- seemed to fcd. Wh31 wilh 311 Ihose half-pad«:d suitcases wailing for her in the guest room. \Vc had come 100 far apart for all that_ What good would I have done al Ihe hospital? I couldn't even hold my wife's hand, So I went 10 S{T Kalllmi. I CamC np {he stairs, still sick to
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my stomach from the trauma of the accident .nd the rush to the hrupital. silil numb from the hours of waiting arollltd and then moTe hOllrs erawliltg on the 1Tt000rway Out to my mum's place. I had spen! the aftcrtJ()Qtl Wdtching a child in trouble and I couldn't do a damn thing abollt it. The W()rst feeling in the w(),ld. KazlIIni l()(}h'd dowlt over til{" ro ni socTs. And when I Saw her. the long black hair pulled Nck from her smiling. lovely face. it occurred tn me that this was mcanl tn be ()ur sIX"';al nigh!. Alld wl,..11 she kissed me I waS Cnt:nll. She w~s ready to take that final Stcp. All myoid wedding vuws had bn'n declared null alld void. We were !;<.ling 10 cross the line. and make prom is<.''S ()( Ollr own. Inside th,' Oat the sound of a ecHo running through its sales Came fTOm the second bedroom . The TOUmmat,· was home. bUI KaZllnti smiled conspiratorially. "Staying in roolll." she said. "Has to practicc. Don't ,",orry." T he table ,",:IS scI for two, a special dinner fur lWo---cham paglte Outes. linen napkins, a single while candle in a sih'cr candlestick. already lit. the Oame dancing in the twi light. And my heart throhbed like an old, fad ing bmi.., when I sawall the trouble she had gone to. "Pat ukay? Mum okay?" "They're fine." She was in my life. She knew my SQn and my mother. She cared about them, they liked her. In lime, ify()u gave it years tu grow, they could love her. And sh,' could love thelll. I knew it. T his w~s an tnte. She w3s ill my blood now. She w:l.s plrt of it III Well. not quile all ()f it. For just as she W:l.S locked lWdY (rom Cyd. SQ Cyd was lockt.""
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some kind of small gas cooker. Like something you would use for camping, if you were a gourmet chef with a taste for the great outdoors. There were plates of thinly sliced beef, white chunks of tofu and piles of uncooked vegetables, some of which I recognized. "Sukiyaki," I said. "Lovely." She was delighted. "All Westerner love sukiyaki. Began in Japan when Meiji emperor started eating meat. Start of twentieth century. Until then-fish only." "I didn't know that," I said, sinking into a chair. "I didn't know any of that." A champagne cork popped, and she filled our glasses. "Kampai, " I said. "Cheers," she said. She came around the table, placed a quick kiss on my lips and then, smiling, threw some thin slices of beef and some raw vegetables into the sizzling pan, covering them with some kind of sauce. In the bedroom the roommate had stopped practicing her scales and started playing "Song Without Words." And with all its sadness and stillness and sense of things being lost forever, that music was like a fist around my throat. "Sauce called warashita. Made of soy sauce, sweet rice wine and sugar. You know what happens next?" There were two eggs on the table next to a pair of lacquered bowls. "We whip up the raw eggs, and then dip in the beef and vegetables," I said, struggling against the fist around my throat. "Hah!" she said. "Big sukiyaki expert, I can see." And I saw something too. All at once I saw that the dream 1'd had would never come true, not in a million years. I had dreamed of starting again-running away with Kazumi, taking
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my son with us, Th,t'. wh,1 I wanted. NOl merely, new woman. NO! juSt th,t , 13m a world mad,' whole and a family restored , A new wife , A new life. I don't know where I honestly thought we we rc going to go. T he WCSI of Ireland, Paris. Maybe some othe r corner of non!. Loudou would be e((ough. Maybe Primrose Hill would h,,'c OCCII fdT cllough. Anywhc'Tl·. But wc werc f,'Oing, and in my dre am we were already on our way. Now ! saw that the dream would never come Irue. It ,-,""sn'l Kazumi's f.ult. It waS bcnuS(' the price waS 100 high to pay. Too much Ihat waS precious wou ld h, ve to be discarded. too mllch life thrown away. before [could start .gain, I Ihought Ihat my f~"Cling for her- love. romance. you can call it what you 1ikc-~ the only dung that manned. And Ihatjust wasn't {rut", Other things mattered too. 1 know I could have done the traditional thing. ! eould have ITK-d to keep Cyd h,lfway happy, while stringing Kazumi along, ket'ping ha halfway happy too, Screw"'g the pair of them. in every way possible. And 1 could ha"e b'Ot away with it by lying to everyone. to Cyd. to Kazumi. but mostly rnysclftelling myself that 1 genui nel y loved both of them, In my own swee lw.y, 13m try loviug twO women and you eud up loving nobody al .11. not in the way they watT.lnt , Try loving ""'0 of them and Ihis is whal it does--it breaks yon in hale You need a hean of StOne to lead One ofthos., double lives. And SO docs she, The other w01l1an. r knew Kaznmi wasu't built for that kind ofli fe. I knew Ihal Kawmi wasn't cUI onlto be my miSlress. She wasn't cold enough. old enough. (ough enough. All the reaSOnS that I loved her werc .11 the reaSOnS she could never be a bit on the side or over the side Or On any
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side at all. She had the sweetest, gentlest heart in the world. I still believe that. Even now. In the end, I knew her so well. And I could see glimpses of myself in her, or at least the best of me. She believed, really believed, that she could find a love that would transform her world. And perhaps she was right. But I knew now she was never going to find it with me. lt was all or nothing with this woman. That's why I loved her-and I can say that now. I loved her. But she wasn't cut out for an affair. The right girl in so many ways, she was the wrong girl to play that role. She was a romantic. Say what you like about those starry-eyed souls, about the upheaval and destruction they always leave in their wake, but there is one thing about romantics that nobody can deny. They never settle for second best. "Kazumi," I said, standing up. Her face fell. "Problem-with egg? You don't like raw egg?" I carefully placed my champagne flute on the table. "Raw egg is fine. It's just that ... I can't do this. I am so, so sorry. I have to go." She nodded, taking it all in, the anger flaring. "Go on, then. Go back to your wife." "I'm so sorry." She picked up the silver candlestick and threw it at me, a wild throw that made it fly past my head and left a splash of white candle wax on the tablecloth. She lashed out at our special meal with furious fists, and it all went crashing. Glasses and vegetables, silver cutlery and chopsticks, pretty napkins splashed with soy sauce. Across the table, to the floor, fragments of our special meal smashing against my legs. Just ruined, the lot of it. Kazumi with her head hanging. Hair like a long, black veil. "Kazumi. "
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back to your home.~ 1 left her then, with the smell ofburuing occfin the air and tht roommate's cello comiug dlrouglt d", wall, and the unwanted champagne in my gilL I I was not easy to leave her. Bill in the cud, Cyd's claim on me was stronger. Cyd had home adv.Hub'C, Whatever happened no;t, IlIad to be with my wife, Even if the only thing left to say to me w.tS good-bye_ ~Go
Cyd was st ill at the h05piu1. 1'''Sb'Y looked tiny in the hospiul ocd, a kind uf prutt<:tiw tent ~bovc her plastered leg. her sleeping face grave and frowning_ She was sitting up in bed, her head tilted to one side, as i(she unly juS! nodded off. At fi rst I didn't se,' Cyd. Then I noticed l1<'r unlhe (ar sid,' of the bed, sk"1::ping on the noor, bet'-"cen a couple of blue hospital blankets. It w~s after midnight now, I crollch~xI by her side .nd she stirred. ~She woke up. In a lot o( pain. T hey g>ve her • shol o( somedling .nd it's knocked her out. The IlUTS(" says she should be all right until morning.- We both watched the slceping child. She didn'l move, ~Not much is going to hap_ pen until then. Apart from, you know, All this. The waiting.~Comc home (or a bit, Cyd,"No,l couldn 't leavc her.~Come homc_ Shower_Get "Ome sleep_ [n your own hed. Some tea and toast. maybe. Come on. You'll I><: stronger for tumOrrow. She smiled \V(Ouily, and touched my mil. ~Th anh for stic king by me, I-la rry: she said, and I felt my face nush wilh shame _ «You were there (or me,- I said. "\Vhnl Pal waS hUrl. R,"",e",hn?-
It was almost three years ago now. I cou ld still sec my ",n f~lhng
imo that empty swimming pool. the dark halo ofblooJ growittg ~round his dirty blott de hair. T hat' s when I lcarrll"d. TtlJt"s whcn I discovert-d thl! !hi~ world conld !lke your chil dren away from you. And C~..:I w:>.< thae for me. With Gina in Japan, S"l1ing her lif,' oock or diseovt"nng her true self ur looking for 10vI' whatl-vtr the fuck. she was doing, there waS nobody for mc hcre. Apart from my parents. who would always be Ihere. And Cyd. who could have hccn wm<-where else. Somewhcrt" a 101 easier. ·See ms hke a lung time ago nuw.- she sa id. "Lct's go home. Cyd. Just for a few hours. Comc on. yOll 're Ollt on your f<"el" l3U1thn,' was ",m eth il1!) sh,' ,",anted to say to me. -] know yuu want to be fret", I·brry.;' Nol nOW. Not all th is talk nOW. Please."' "No . listen. r k'lOW you Wa l11 to be frec. Ikcause all tnen want to be free , but you more than most. Maybe because you ,"""e snch a you ng dad, such a young husoond . And it all went wTOng for you SO young. I don' t kn ow exutly why you walll it SO bad. UUt I know you dream offrcedom-you wonder what it would be like with no wi fe, no kids. no responsibility. Bnt what would happen if you wcre free, H arry? Do yon know?-Le!"s go hornc 1IOW.She smiled triumphantly. "&cause I kn ow. Ilury. I do. I know what won ld happen if yon we re frec.· C yd- " - Listen to Illt". This is what wuuld hapfX"n if you wcrt" frcc. Harry. You'" 1I1eet some girl. some sweet young thing. aud you 'd fall for her. You'd be crazy aboul her. And you'd end up somewhere not w diffe rcnt to where you are with me, where you wert· with Gina, where you were wnh ewry wOman yon ever loved . Call't yuu set·, Harry? Ifyuu're capablr uflo'"ing
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sonK'One, then there's ""'" total freedom. T here can't be, You give it up. You b~v<." up yOllr fre<."dotrl , For som<."lhing that's Ix-tt<."r. ~
I picked up he r coot and helped her into it. We hoth swed at the sleeping chi ld, reluctaut to leave he r. White on wh ite, I'cSb'Y's fac<' almost s,:etrlcd to dis.:.ppeu imo the pillow. ~It W~SIl't m<."ant to trap you, 1'[3fry,~ Cyd said. "Th<." ntarriage. the wedding ring, 1ll<." and l'cggy. I know that's how il made you feel. hm it wasn't meanl to be like that. You and mc---it waSlI'lmcalll to make you fed tropped. H arry,' ~ u:t"s go hom<." now, okay?" "It ~s Illeant to set ~'ou rrtt.~ I lay III my bed in the darkness, listening to the sound of the shower, tllt'n later her footsteps leading to the guc'sl room , I didn't notice she had come illto our old bedroom un til she ~s sI.1nding by the bcd. Her black hair wet and shining, her long [egs bare, shivering a little in the chill oflhe night. And still wearing her green d res,. "It still fits, I [arry." she said. and then she was in Hly arms. And then. 1S so often happens when illness aud death are al the door, the urge for life n,-'Vcr greater than when the alterna_ tive makes ics.clfknown, and then v,e made love as if "'.., were all Cndallf,'<."Tl'd species. Th",e 3fC really ollly tWO kinds ofsex in the world. Unmarried and married. Dcsire and dmy. P,,,ionale and compas_ sionate. Hot and [ukewarm, Fucking and making [o\·e. Usually, ill lime. yOll los" Ollc kind for the olhn It hap]X'IIS , But you call always f,'<."t th<." oth<."f kind back. It's like my "1]1111 always says, You jusl h. vc to fa ll in love again .
28
ON PRIMROSE HILL WE SAID GOOD-BYE.
I would hardly have been surprised if she had never wanted to talk to me again. But there was something in her, a kind of generous formality-perhaps it was something Japanese-which let her come back just this once. It was one of those clear bright summer days when London goes on forever. From Primrose Hill you could see the entire city, and yet the soft boom of the traffic seemed very distant. The real world felt a long way away. But I knew it was getting closer. It was still very early. There were dogs and joggers everywhere, people rushing to work with a cappuccino in their hand, and the lights, those old-fashioned lamps that recalled some other lost city, another London, still shining weakly in the morning light all over Primrose Hill. ''Will you stay here or go back to Japan?" ''You can't ask me that. You don't have the right to ask me that. "
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~ I'm sorry.~
~S!Op
sayillg tim. Don't say 11m 19aill, I'lc~S(C.~ She held something Out to 11Ie. II WaS the l'ol~roid we h~d laken ourselves. holding the Cd.lIlera al arm's length. hnghing as thongh nonc of this wonld ever have to end. " I us~-d !O think that if you took somcon("s photograph. then you could never lose them." K~zmni s~id. "But HOw I Set it"s Ihe other way around . That our pictures show us ,11 that we have lost.~ -We're not losing ('aeh othn," 1 said. "When twO peopk Can' for each other, they don'tlose each other." "Th.t"s • bollock: she said. her temper flaring, Rut I couldn', help smiling. She always mangled the language just enough tu make it bcamiful. "Thal"s a complete bollock. ~ I shook my h,·ad. "You'lI alwa~ m>11a to nl<", Kazumi. I'll always care about you , I won't stop caring about you if)'ou'rc with some other man. How can two people who h.,·c loved each ocher ever really lose each other?" -I dou't know: she said. - I can't explain it. Bm that', what happens: "I dOIl't Want you Out of my life.-Me neither: ~ Four billion people in the world, and 1 care abom a handful of them. htduding you. ESJX"'cially you. So don't ulk :IS though we uc throwittg each other aw~y: ~Oka)'. l'hrry" ~Togcthcr forcver?" She smiled. "Togethn fOT<-vCT. Harry." 'Sec you, Kazumi: -See you" I watdK-d her walking down Primrose I-lill. on one of those strange link paths that abruptly criss-cross the park.
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pointing off in completely different directions, just like the impossible choices you are forced to make as you move through your life. I watched her until she was gone, knowing that I would never stop wondering how it would have been if we were together, never stop caring about her and never stop meeting her in dreams. And just as she walked from the park and I finally lost sight of her, something happened, although I might have imagined it. But it felt like the lights went out all over Primrose Hill. I never saw her again. My mum put on her Dolly Parton wig and went shopping. The little neighborhood store where she had bought her food for decades had recently closed down after the owner retired, and now she had to go to a huge supermarket miles away. My mum actually preferred the supermarket-"Much more choice, love"-but the bus service out there was almost nonexistent, so once a week Pat and I would go with her in the car. We were steering our cart to the fresh meat counter of the supermarket when an old man with a solitary cat-food tin in his wobbly wire basket collided with us. He had gray, three-day-old stubble on his sagging old geezer chin and a cardigan that looked as though it had been feeding a good-sized family of moths. As I dusted down the shabby old man, I realized we had met before. "Elizabeth!" he cried. It was Tex, although he definitely looked more like Graham today. My mum nonchalantly tossed some organic bacon in her sleek bulging cart. "Oh hello," she said, not deigning to call him by his cowboy name, or indeed any name at all. "How's the line dancing going?"
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Tex exhaled with, grimace on his wrinkled face, rubbing hi. hip. ~Crac ked me femur. Liz. Doing the Hardwood Stomp in Wickford. Had to t.y ofT the old line dancing for a bit.He WJ~ staring., my mum as if she WJS Jmn Collins 011 • good day. And it w .., tmL....... she looked great. It w,sn·tjustthc big blond country .nd w!."Stern hair, Or the weight sl,," had lost. Then- was a confidcuce about my mum now. a hard-earnL"d inner force that put a glint in hcr eye that had never been there before. Being unceremoniously dumped by this little old man was the k.st of it. She had Surviv,·d far bigger blows than th. t. "Well. you I<x>k ... lovely," -lex said. ~Thanks." My mum smik
Tex wail in g for a bus in Ihe drizzling rain. ! kn ew OClter dlln to SU!::b'CSI we give him a lift. My mum starnl strai~u at him wi th out ~xpression. and for just J momen! ! thonght she WlS going to stic k up 1 finger or two. 1 knew in my hcart she w:lS far too polite for thaI. BtH if sht had gIVen Graham-alsu-knuwll-as-Tex the finger. I knew it wouldn 't have been the middle one. It would have been thco ne right next to it. the third finger left hand. the one where she had ncve r stopped wcaring her ","Cddmg ring. There weTe already Ihree WOmen waiting outside my mum's house. One of them was in her forties. but th e other two wcre younger dlln me. They all looked as though they Iud a world pressing dowo on them. My mum let us all lIUO the house. She didu't ha\"(" to tell rne that these were somc of thc women that shc counseled about breast cancer. T he women went inlO th e living room wi th Pat while my mum and! made Ica. I could hca r the sou nd of Ihe womeo laughiog al somethiog Pal had s>id. They sounded as though they hadn't wughed for 3 quite a while. "Sec that young one, I h rry? She had the SJme operation as me. Same breast removed too. The right one. Scared to look al herself now. Imagine that. Afraid of the mirror. You cao't let that happell. You can't be scared to look at yoursel( Th ey Carl u lk to me. Ikcausc their family- the husband. the daughters. Ihe so ns-they want to he rea.sllred. They dou't want the truth_they want reassurance. And th~"y don't have to reassure me. And thl"}' don't have to Ix- ashamed m from of me. IkCauSC ["m the Sam e. And what have we got to be ashamed of! Ifs not SO bad. T hey're shy. I'm older than thc"y are. I-la rry. aud ["Ill S!rouger than ["vc evcr heen _ It's made me stronger_ It· s gl"cn mC • funny kin d of power. rm not scared of {his world allymorc. Th ese g"l5-and [ klluw rm mc.m 10 say
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,,,omen, but tbey're girls to m~~tbey can't tell their husbands how they fed, That's okay, Then's nO such thiltg as an uucomplic"oo life. I se" 11131 now, I loved your dad nton, Ihall life ilsdf But we dOll't nel'dlO {ell t'Vcrything 10 Ihe pcrMln we're tlllrried to. There'. no shame in thaI." " But may!x their husbands would undcrstand: I said. "You should try to understand each OtiWT, shouldu't you? And if they really lo\"e Ihem. theu mayoc they would understand." "Mayoc." said my mum. " If they rcally love them." "Can I ask yuu somnJ"ng? Abom you .nd Dad?" "Goahcad." "Does it change? As the ~'ears b'O by, J mean. Should I ex" p<Xt my marriage to be someth ing different to wh~t i{ was at the start?" My motha smiled. "It chango:s all the time, it never stops changing. When you're young you say- I IOI"/' )'<'11 IJ«m,SI' / 'ltd )'<',.. Wllen you 're old it's-l "mJ YO" beca"se II",,,, i"'''' Big difference. And 1"m not say"'g that one is better than the other. although the second one tends 10 laSt a bi t longer. lIut you never SlOp loving each other. 1larry. Not if it's re~l.· She took my hands. "look. Harry. Talk to her if you want 10. Talk to Cyd. Tell her what's been happening. Talk to your wife if you think it will help." "11m I don'l know if I Calt . S<.'<\ I wa1ll hn to be proud of me, Muut. The way yon weTe proud of Dad." I squ<xzed her hand •. "And I want you to oc proud of me too." - 1" m proud of you al ready." said my mum. l'e!:\b'Y eaute houte. her plaster C:lSt signed by every chi ld on her ward. There was a way to go before she was wcll cnough to go back to school. But the fracture was mending and we v,ent 10 !xd that night ,'(eak with relic( PC!;!''Y was hraling. And ill a ",.ythat I couldn't quite cxpl.in, SOw.. I.
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"I've got something to tell you, Cyd." "You don't have to tell me anything. Just as I don't have to tell you anything about Luke. Because there's nothing to tell." "But I want to say something. It's about what happened. How we lost each other for a while." "You don't have to tell me a thing. Just rest your eyes." I felt my wife touch my arm in the darkness. "You're home' now," she said.
29
LIFE
HOLDS
HOSTAGE
ALL
THOSE
WE
LOV E,
That's why it was so tough for my wife aftcr Pe);!,'Y came back horne. Once you have seen your child in a hospi taL you .." ,,<-'vcr truly free again. Never really free Ihe way you were free ill the p.st, nO! onu' you know how
reds to love a sick child, not once you rcalill: how hard it is oUllhere. Ikx:ausc you arc never free from the fear that it could hapflC1I again. It
and nexl lime be even worse.
And it
w,",
not just her daughter. There werc latc- night
calls from Texas. whne her sisters were worrkd about thdr mOlher. who had Ix-t:n (ouud wJlIclcring around a parking 101 in dow11Iown Houston with a DVD of Ce"e rv,th 11,( Wi"d in her hand, no money in her pur se .Ild no memory of how she
gol1hcrc. "Sounds like the Start uf old-tinwr's discaS<': TIIY mum ,;;aid, and it was tcrrifymg, oUe l1Ior<.-thing for my wife to worry about. So when we turned out the light one night and Cyd idly m<.-mio!1l-d that she had missed her period, I thought to mysdf-strrss.
'"
It does strange things to your body.
And when my wife wok..- up the n..-xt moming. running to th..- b3throom and rnching although nothing carn..- up, I thought to m~clf.-poor kid. Worried sick loom her dlughter, and now w(lrried sick alXlUt her mother. And rvl'H then, standing outside the bathroom door, listening to my wife trying to thmw up, ewn then I still didn't b'Ct it. I still dIdn't IlIldersta lld that it was happening all over '!}1m .
The OCSt thing ill the world. I had see n one of these things before. III fact, when Gina first found Out about Pat, I sawdo~e ns of d1<'m. There was nothing mueh to it. Just a whue plastic hand le. It looked as though it had something missing, like a toothbrush without the bristles. I picked up the pregnancy tes\. It fe lt surprisingly light. And S() did my head . T here were two tiny wi ndows (In the thing. In one (If them, th(" little round window, Ihne was a thill blue line. Alid in th e other one, the little square window-which I somehow understood was the important Olle, th e crucial one, the win_ dow that w(luld change everythin g-there w:os an(lther thin blue line. And fill311y I understood. N ot JUSt th(" missed period JlId the sickness. but everything. I finally got it. I understood why I had to stay. and why I wou ld alwa)"i stay. That's when I M"uscd rath er than heard Cyd in till" doorw.ly of th(" bath room. She waS laughmg .ud cryillg all at once-I gue>, that must be standard procedure_wI ping her eyes on th e sleeve ofher Marks & Spe'"er pajamas. - Is this okay with you?- shc asked me.
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I took her in my arms. "It's more than okay. This is great. This is the very best." Then my wife looked at me and smiled, and for perhaps the second time in my life, I knew why I was alive. "Wait a minute," Eamon said. ''You're staying with your wife because of some stupid wanker in a BMW? Is that what you're saying?" "I didn't say that." ''You said the accident changed everything. That she was packing her bags before that happened. She was leaving you, Harry, and you were ready to begin again with someone else." Would Cyd and I have split up if Peggy hadn't had her accident? In my heart, I didn't see what could have stopped us. That's how fragile all this is, as gossamer thin as a spider's web, as intricate and fragile as that, meticulously built but easily torn apart by a few cruel, casual blows. My parents' marriage looked like it was made of sterner stuff. My mum and dad genuinely believed that they couldn't be happy with anyone else. And I knew that wasn't true for me. I could have been happy with Kazumi. Just as Kazumi could find the human bond we all seek with some other man. And just as Cyd could have found someone else to love her. That didn't make what I had with my wife feel like nothing. In some ways the knowledge that either of us could survive without the other made what we had seem even more precious. We stayed together because we chose to stay together. In a world full of choices, we chose each other. "There's the baby," I told Eamon. "That's the thing that really brought us back together. This little baby we're bringing into the world. We are going to be a real family. Maybe we were already."
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He didn't look convinced. I knew he wanted certainty from me, cast-iron guarantees that love would last and marriage would endure. But like my mum always says-if you want guarantees, kid, buy a toaster. "Listen, Eamon, the reason I'm still with my wife is not complicated. I'm with her because I love her." "Like you loved Kazumi? Or in a different way? A different kind of love, or exactly the same kind of love? I need to knOw. What if it had been the other way round, Harry? What if you had actually slept with Kazumi in Ireland? And you hadn't slept with your wife back in London? What-and this is the big one-what if the other woman was the woman carrying your baby?" "WeJl, then-" But I can't answer. The chaos that lurks just beyond aJl of our front doors is sometimes best ignored. All the other women I could love, all the other lives I could lead, all the babies waiting to be born-I just can't think about all of that today. Mter all, I'm a married man. The blood pressure was down. The hypertension was easing. The blood supply to my brain was not going to be cut off any time soon. Good news, I thought. I want to see this baby grow up. I want to be around long enough for this coming child to think that I am an old fool who doesn't know anything about life. I want to live long enough to see my youngest child become an adult. That was the plan now. That was my new ambition. Increasingly, it felt like the only ambition really worth having.
Man and Wife
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"One-thirty-five over seventy-five," my doctor said. "Not bad. Not bad at all. You're keeping your weight down ... you don't smoke ... Getting plenty of exercise?" "Thirty minutes of cardiovascular, three times a week." "That's just about right. You don't want to over do it. These days the gym is killing as many middle-aged men as cancer and heart disease. How's your salt intake?" "Never touch the stuff" "Caffeine?" "Well. Difficult to give up those cappuccinos. But I've cut back." "Sometimes we have to stay away from the things we love. And learn to appreciate the things we need." And I saw my wife's face before me. The black hair cut in a China chop, the wide set brown eyes, and the toothy smile, the little nicks of laughter lines that were starting to appear around her small, sweet mouth. That face so familiar, that face so loved. "But what if they're the same thing? What if we realize that the things we love are the same as the things we need?" My doctor grinned, packing her blood-pressure kit away. "Then you don't need me anymore," she said. Peggy and I came through the gilded doors of the department store and were immediately assaulted by the perfume of a thousand different scents. The store was crowded, and we instinctively reached out and took each other's hand. "Look Harry-free manicure! They do your nails and you don't even pay nothing at all!" "Maybe later, darling." We caught an escalator up to the department for children and babies. So much had changed since the last time I became a father.
Or perhaps Gin. and I didn't have th e money to SO shopping for ewry baby aid on the muket. 13m a 1m of this slUff waS cornpletely new to me, A baby bounccr---()b.y. I recognized that. and vividly recalled Pal bouncing up and down like a linle t(lOlhless Buddha. baring his gums with delight. lim a crib railtcrthcr to Slop , baby gnawing its crib---w]wn did th')" sun selling th.t? And" car toy tidy-surely toys were still just chucked all over the bac k seat> And 1<.>ok at all this other gear-a Nature's Lullaby Baby Soolher (plays four relaxing sounds 10 soothe baby 10 slN.-p), • Baby Ihlh Float (a sort COCOOn shap" III kcrp baby's head om of the W,tcr and its body flootillg S;lfcly ncar the surface). And shampoo eye shields-protective glasses for Illir v,ashing. Now thai> clever. now th.t·s • brilliant id ea, Pal could have done with some of thOM'. And look at thi5-. ,uction bowl! A strong suction base to prevent spilla!,..: at mealtime! The twenty-fIrst-century baby doesn't even get to throw its food around! ~What wIll they think of next. Pe g? Peggy?" And th.t's when I realized she was gonc. The fcar ran through me like a fc\'cr. I searched all over the children's department. hm she wasn't there. And I th oughl of her falhcr. who had gone on hOll<'yrnoon and rlCvl'T corne back, who had broken 1\,,~'Y's hcart by going to live in Manila, to try his luck aga in on SOnic other foreign shore. abandoning his child like she ,vas nothing more than a bad debt. Jlln had deserted his d.uglnn OIlCl' and for all. and although it rnade life easier for lIle with him nOt ~rou"d. his leaving had inflicted a wound on Peggy that she wou ld carry forewr. a wound thlt would nevcr heal. Ihis beautiful child who dcs<:rves only to oc 10v~x1.
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And I wondered if I w::I.S really any different from him. any ocm'r than Jim , who ~Iw.ys put his child w.y down 011 his list of priorities, Was I r..... lly • oc11er man th~n that? Or so wrapped up in drelms of the new baby tltJl I Iud forgotten aboUllhe reality of Ihe living ehild by my side. I searched the emin' floor, doiug framic deals with God. pr~ying for a second chance. desperatc!y .sking su ff .nd shoppers if they had see n a ~mall girl with. pink lltcy Doll backpack. Thcn all at once I knt'w where I would find her. She waS on the first floor, near th ose gilded doors. among the perfume of a thousand scents. patiently having her nails done for fr,-",! in the make-up deplTtment. - 1-1ello. !-larry: shc said. ~ Did you find what you were looking for?"I k ilo. gol),'Cous. Yes. I think """'\'e got everything now: T he white-coated r.ales assistant beamed at the pair of liS. - What a ocautiful daughter you have: ~he said. Peggy and IJust smI led . t each other. Tlwre was a problem . After eight weeks of the pregnancy, Cyd had some bleed_ ing in the morning. And suddenly"..... didn't know if our stake in th .... funtre was b"lling to be taken away from us. When Cyd went for her scan , ther.... waS .link sil~er bowl of condoms by the door. as delicatel y arranged as polp<.>nrri. Seeing the question mark hovering above my head. Cyd said that till' cundum s were for the iustnuncnt tht' obstcuiciatl put inside her. so we could scr- the baby. To see if it waS okay. To see if our baby WaS still al i~e. -My word. you've had som e strange thi ng! inside you. gnl." I said to my wife, taking her hand.
nOlhing quite ~s str-mge as your pellis, J-Iarry, ~ my wife said to mt". L~ter, wht"n the obstetrician arrived, Cyd sat in this complinted chair. like wmething British Airways might havc in first ela". and on the TV screen by her side the doctor show~-d us th.· sm.1l pulsating light that waS the ht"utocat of our u1lborn child. The b~by was fiut". Tht" baby was still therr. The \xIby w.lS gomg 10 live. Nothing could stop this baby being born. Cyd sque{"Zcd my hand without looking at me-~ could,,·t take uur eyes from the SCn·en- '" the obstetrician showed liS the head. comic.lly large, like a light bulb made in heaven. and the tiny amlS and legs. which the baby seemed to Ix· endles,ly crossing and uncrossing. We laughed out loud. laughed with the purest joy at tim III iraclc. this tiny miraclc. thc greatest mi rack of all. And I kncw that this child would bc lo'·cd likc every child deserves to be lov~-d. this bahy who was our connection to the great unspoiled future. and our bond. our unbreakable bond. to what it means to oc .Iive in this world, and- aoo,.·c and beyond it all - to each other. ~ 13 U1
30
WHEN THE WEATHER WAS GOOD andtheskywas
clear, my son and I lay on our backs in the garden of the old house, side by side, staring straight up, watching the stars come out, listening to the soft female voices coming from inside the old house. The voices of my mother, my wife and our daughter. Pat loved the stars now. Children change, they change so fast, they change even when you are watching them. Mter watching a documentary that held him spellbound every Wednesday night for six weeks, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and Han Solo finally had to make some room in his expanding imagination for the Pole Star and Sirius and Vega. "Dad?" "What is it, darling?" "Bernie Cooper says that the stars are all dead people looking down on us. And guess what? One of them, right? One of them is Bernie Cooper's granddad." A pause. We kept staring up at infinity. Inside the house I could hear soft, female voices-my mother and one of the women who came to visit, 337
waming to talk, looking for their fmure. -Is that true, Dad?-I'd like to think so,l'.t,"Thw what I'd like to know is-which one is my granddad?" And I knew that my father would haw loved this boy. My dad would havc loved watching Pat's ncw teeth COming through, lov,'d his obscssion with thc surs, loved his d,'"otion to his grandmother and Bern ie Cooper and Britney Ihe dog_ ncwly arrived in thc COllll t ry, and settling in very nicely, amIably roammg aroulld all thoS<' big Londoll parks--loved the curious, oJ>C'nhcartcd kid that my SOn waS growing to be, Hor.;cs and SUTS, My son was enchanted by horses and surs, and my falher wonld have been enchanted by that, A hard man for as lOllS as I could ,,'member, the hardest mall ill the world, my dad had never st't'mcd qnite SO hard after I'at WaS born, Perhaps that's what grandchildren arc fo,- to allow }'QU to gi"c unconditionaL unchanging love one ]ast time. $onwthmg frozen deep inside my father began to thaw on the morning that l'at was born. and I knew that my dad would have continued to soften with tlw passing of the yeaTS and with the coming or tile new baby, We juS! ran out of time, tlll t's all. "Piek the higgest star you can sec: I told Pat, -Pick the brightcst OIlc, And that's your grandfather w.ltching over you, And that's how you will always know." The stars are like photographs. You can read into thcm what you will. You can believe that they measure all yon have lost, Or you Can beli'T" that they rcpT<'st'lI1 all you have lm,,'d .ud cominue 10 Im.T, I guess I'm with young Bern ie Cooper on that one. As we watck'
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And I thought of my own ghosts. ~Do you r<.'lI1cmocr my fricud K~~u?- Gina said one morning wheu I cam<.' to pick up l':It. Brimey enthusiastically sniffing II my crotch. Gim sti ll pale and dnwn from her loss. and fmally rcady to tell me that she had known all along. "She got murk-d. Ii arry. Back in J'pa". Knu met tht man of her dreams. She b"Ot smek in an elevator with him in the Ginza. JUSt going for dinner. and there he was. Never can tell. can yon? Never can tell when it's g<:>ing to ~tr;ke , " It waS a postcard from another life. a map of a road nOt taken. And I kn tw that I want<--d for Kazunn tlGln ly what my ex-wife w4nt~-d for me. wlut we all want for all of our old plTtneTS, I-Iapp""'ss, but maybe nO! too much of it. As I h" ..d my son br<,.thing by my sid,,, w.tching the stars above, I thought or my three children. The boy, tbe girl. Ihe baby. The t\VO born, the one nnborn. I looked at the stars and thought of Peggy and Pat forming all orderly queue to fcd Cyd's expanding belly. Peggy open mouthed with awe as she feltlile baby's tiny. miraculous kick. and then when it was his Illrn, Pat smiling secretly and nmr_ mnring to himself, "Oh. The Force is strong inl/i i< one.' Sooll this linlc modern f.mily wou ld be <"'''Ii more compi ieated. full of half brothers a nd stepsisters and stepbroth<.'rs and half sisters and stepparents and blood parents, Bill now I fmally saw that it was lip to liS if we felt like a real family or not. Nobody <,I"", matttred. The I.bels they slUck 011 us meant nothing at all. There was a real family here if we wanted it. Anything else. well-~s an old friend of minc IIo;ed to say. it's all a bollock, ~Look at you twO layabollls: lallghed my mum, padding into the garden, Cyd and Pe~;y close behind htr. My mllm
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T o .~v
I'A R 'ON'
swung a pink carpet slipper at a plastic footooll and se nt it Oy_ ing imo my dad's rose bush{"s. 1'c!\!,'Y dash{"d ~ft{"r il. Our cosmic n'veric broken. 1',1 and r b'Ol up 10 play Ihrccg1l.1IS_Jnd_YOll·re_;ll with our family. Cyd smiled at me, tim secret sm il e th at women know. and I placed my hand on her abdomen. til<" ski n alrr.cly strct.:hed as tight as a Snar{" dnnn. It waS a morncm. only a mOment. But !lOW I thought r knew how to turn dill moment into years. It was geuing qnite dark now. one of the last days of summer. but the suburban night w.s soft and warm and starry. SO we WCT.· reluctant to go inside. And so we stayed Out in the garden of the old house until we couldn't see 10 kick a ball. laughing in the gathering twi_ light. my mother and son. my wife and our daughter, making the mOSt of the b>ood wcather .nd .11 th.· days that were lcft, our liule game watched on ly by next door', cat. and every star in the heavc!>s.
