Near-Life Experience

Near-Life Experience

Alix Bekins

Chapter One

IT was early in the afternoon on a nice spring day, warm and freshsmelling. Rehearsals for “Much Ado About Nothing” were going well and the director had decided to let them break for an early lunch since they’d accomplished so much. David shrugged out of some of Claudio’s costume, grateful that there was still almost a month to go before the Oregon Shakespeare Festival officially opened, and decided to check his voicemail before grabbing something to eat. The first message was from his younger sister, bitching about how unfair their mom was being about her latest boyfriend. Then his dogwalker, wanting to talk about scheduling her vacation. The last one was from his agent, saying that someone named Scott Avila was trying to get a hold of him and said it was an emergency. Frowning, David dialed the number his agent had dutifully passed along. Twenty-seven minutes later he was still sitting on the steps of outside the main rehearsal hall, blinking vacantly and trying to breathe like a normal person. “Hey,” a soft voice said, concern obvious. “You okay? I thought you were just going to check your messages and then grab some food.” Jason sat down next to him holding a stack of cardboard boxes from the cafeteria. The smell of his favorite ravioli made David’s stomach churn. He shook his head a little, trying to will away the wave of nausea. “David? What’s wrong, man?” He could hear the reassurance in his best friend’s voice but couldn’t make himself look up at Jason. Not vomiting and remembering to breathe were taking up pretty much all of his concentration at the moment. 2

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In a detached sort of way he wondered if this was what panic attacks were like, and suddenly he felt a lot of sympathy for people who had them often. A cold bottle of water nudged into his hand. It was open, so he took it and slowly lifted it to his mouth. The first sip went down all right so he took a longer one. Breathed. Drank again. Jason’s presence was soothing, patient, and the tightness in David’s chest began to relax a little. They’d known each other for three years now, been cast in the same plays together each theater season, practically lived in each others’ pockets. They’d bonded over being fellow Texans, good ol’ boys who just happened to want to be actors and had both followed their dreams to end up at the same Shakespeare festival. Jason, at twenty-seven, only four years older, had stepped into the role of big brother and best friend that David had sorta needed at first, unsettled and a little bit homesick in a new place. Maybe still needed, sometimes. David cleared his throat. “I, uh. I got a call from a, uh, friend. Scott.” He took a deep breath and felt things start to go a little wobbly again. “He has HIV,” he said in a voice just barely above a whisper. Jason raised an eyebrow, surprised, the unspoken “And?” obvious. David closed his eyes, breath leaving him in a deep sigh. This was so not how he had envisioned this particular revelation. He put the water bottle down and curled into himself, elbows on his knees, forehead in his hands. “He was the first guy I slept with.” The silence from where Jason was sitting was unbelievably loud for a few moments. “Oh. I didn’t know you slept with guys,” Jason said. The cringe in his voice was almost enough to make David smile, knowing that his friend hadn’t meant to say that out loud. David shrugged, head still in his hands. “A couple. Why, is that a problem?” he asked, tilting his head to glance at Jason sideways. 3

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Jason fiddled with his own bottle of water and shrugged. “No. Just didn’t know.” Raking his fingers through his longish hair, David sat up, keeping his eyes focused on the copse of trees in the empty lot across from them. His heart was still beating too fast but at least this sort of adrenaline, from telling someone, from coming out, was somewhat familiar. Not comfortable, but certainly far more manageable than the other crisis staring him in the face right now. “Just a couple,” he repeated. “Well. Three, I guess, if fooling around counts.” Jason kind of grunted and nodded, and David felt his stomach begin to twist up in knots wondering if his friend was really actually cool with this news or not. He had a lot of faith in Jay, though, and honestly? His brain was a little too fucked up about the other issue at hand to get too worked up about something that he knew would work itself out one way or the other. “So... okay then.” A warm, heavy hand rested on his shoulder for a moment, squeezed, and then let go. David managed to twist the corner of his mouth up into something approximating a weak smile for a moment. “Tell you what,” Jason said after a pause. “I’m gonna call someone and see if we can fuck off for the afternoon. We got a lot done this morning and you’re pretty rattled,” he said, gently removing the phone from David’s hand. David stared at his empty palm, listening to Jason call an assistant director and get an affirmative, and then a taxi to get a ride home rather than waiting around for a bus. A gentle shove got him up and inside the building and the dressing room to change into his street clothes while Jason bustled around, only leaving David alone for a minute while he was washing off his makeup to dash over to his own room and grab his stuff. It was kind of sweet, he noted absently, how Jay turned into such a mother hen when someone got hurt or was upset about something. He was probably really good with girlfriends and kids and stuff. 4

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They got ready to leave and rode back to the house David had bought when the Festival had signed his contract for the next three years. They sat in silence, mostly, only talking about unimportant trivialities like agreeing on whose place to go to. The dogs were at David’s, which meant it was kind of assumed they’d go there, and that was where they usually hung out anyway – Jason always said it was because David’s house was way more comfortable than his small rented apartment. David collapsed in the living room, letting his three dogs – Lucy and Ethel, two fairly large mutts, and Bubba, a tiny terrier – wiggle and lick away some of his tension. Jason disappeared into the kitchen and came back with beer. They drank in silence for a while, until Jason cleared his throat. “So. What are you going to do about this?” he asked. David usually appreciated how straightforward his friend was, but today? He cringed and finished the rest of the bottle, wishing he could put off having to think about it for a while longer. Like, forever, pretty much. “I guess I need to figure out how to get tested,” he finally said. Jason nodded, then furrowed his brow. “You’re really sure you need to?” David gave him a look of utter disbelief. “Uh. Yeah? I wouldn’t be this freaked out if we’d always been safe, would I?” “Well, I don’t know. I mean, I’m sure you’re concerned about him, too. I didn’t know,” Jason said, flustered. “I know you don’t,” David sighed. “We didn’t exactly part on good terms, but yeah, I’m worried about him. It’s a little overshadowed by my worries about myself right at the moment, though, no matter how much of an asshole that makes me.” “Nah, it’s understandable. So what then? Just gonna call your usual doctor?”

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“Fuck, I don’t know! If it was all that simple I’d just do it and not be so freaked out,” David snapped. Jason gave him a skeptical look. “Ok, fine. I’d be freaked out. But less. Probably.” He looked up at Jason and saw a half-smile that matched the one pulling at his own mouth. Jason went to get another round of beer, and David decided to let the dogs outside. Sitting on the back porch, drinking, he mulled over the possibilities out loud. “I don’t think I want to go to my regular doc about this. I mean, I like her and all, but... It’s too juicy, you know?” Jason raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I mean, I know they have to keep things confidential, but it’s bad enough of you go in for a rash or something, you know? We’re not movie stars or anything, but people here recognize those of us the festival hires year after year. I mean, it’s not just the doctor who has to keep it hushed up, but the nurses and lab techs and everybody. And then suddenly the local newspaper is doing a cover story that I’m gay and have AIDS,” he ranted. With a shrug Jason finished his second beer. “You might be being a bit of a drama queen there, buddy. But I get what you mean. So what are the other options then, if that one won’t work?” “I don’t know... Isn’t there anonymous testing?” “Yeah, I think so. There is at home in Texas anyway; I can’t imagine there wouldn’t be here.” “I don’t want my name on this, Jay. What if it’s positive?” “Yeah, okay. I mean, it won’t be, but we’ll find somewhere else.” David gave him a surprised look. “We?” “Sure,” Jason said with an easy nod. “I’ll go with you. I could probably stand to get tested, too. Just in case. I mean, I haven’t been and I probably should be.” 6

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A surprising sense of relief washed through David. He leaned to the side a bit and bumped Jason with his shoulder. “Thanks, man.” Jason smirked and bumped him back harder, all solid best-friend big-brother non-girly comfort. “No problem.” After a few moments of silence he said, “I think I saw some HIV tests in the drug store, by the condoms once. I think you just do it at home and mail them the blood sample.” David gave him an incredulous look. “Dude, from the drug store? Would you really trust it? I mean, if it came back negative, I’m not sure I’d believe it.” He got a shrug from Jason. “Just think of how often those home pregnancy ones are wrong,” David continued, shaking his head. “I don’t think so. I want someone who’s actually got some medical training to reassure me that they haven’t screwed things up at a lab.” Jason shrugged again. “Yeah, okay. Whatever. It was just a thought; this is your show.” Great, David thought, rolling his eyes. Just what he’d always wanted. Gathering up the empty bottles, he sighed and stood up to go inside. He dumped them into the recycling bin, then turned on his laptop and sat down at the kitchen counter. Jason had evidently decided to stay outside, throwing tennis balls for the dogs to go chase, and David listened to them while he looked up what the city had to offer in terms of free and anonymous HIV testing. A familiar hand on his shoulder jarred him away from wherever his brain had zoned out to as he looked over the Oregon AIDS Project web site’s information. David wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and took a couple of slow breaths to try and calm down his pounding heart. “Um. So here are the hours. It looks like we can either drop-in or make an appointment. I don’t think we have to worry too much about being recognized or anything, but an appointment might be better all the 7

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same. Here’s the, uh, map,” he babbled, clicking over to the next page and hoping Jason couldn’t see the slight shake in his hands. “It’s all free, of course, and we can give them our names or just our initials and then it’s two weeks until we have to go back and get the results and –” “Dude. Breathe,” Jason interrupted with a slight chuckle. His hand squeezed the back of David’s neck, finding the trickle of nervous sweat that had collected there. “I’m not gonna say anything trite and promise you it’ll be all right for sure, because I can’t and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. But you’ve got to stay calm or these next few weeks are going to be pretty bad, all right? And I can promise that I’ll be here with you.” The hand slid from David’s shoulder to his jaw and turned his head gently to the side to make eye contact. “No matter what, Dave. I promise,” he said, like a vow. David nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Breaking eye contact, he reached up and removed Jason’s hand from his face, giving the fingers a slight squeeze in gratitude before he let go. “Wow, chickflick moment,” he joked, although it came out strained. “If the panties fit...” Jason grinned. “Oh, it is so on,” David growled. “I’m going to kick your ass at Halo and make you wear panties under Benedick’s clothes tomorrow as punishment.” “Sure thing, buddy. After all, I bet you get lonely being the only one in girl’s underwear,” he snickered. His friend’s laughter, coupled with his promise and their usual harassment of each other made the anxious knots in David’s stomach loosen up a little. Enough to ignore them for a while, at least. He would get through this. And he didn’t have to do it alone. In thanks, he almost let Jason beat him at their first game. Almost.

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THEY only had to wait for three days after David’s call to get an appointment and luckily it fell on one of their few days off, which meant that during the whole day leading up to it, as he dropped things and tripped over his feet and ran into door jambs, and the only ones he’d pissed off were his kneecaps, rather than the entire production team. Okay, maybe the dogs too, after that one time he just barely caught himself from falling onto Bubba. He seemed to forgive his clumsy owner, though; dogs were good like that. And the “I’m sorry” dog cookie probably helped. Jason had called and offered to drive, which was good, because with the state he was in David would have been lucky if they made it there alive, never mind getting home after. They were on time for the appointment, and the clinic was nice and clean outside, although a little run down and not in the best part of town. Inside, it was full of tacky office furniture from two decades ago and a burnt-orange carpet stained with God knows what. It wasn’t filthy, but it didn’t seem as clean as he thought a clinic should be, and it brought home to David that the place was staffed by volunteers and was obviously in desperate need of funding. The lineup of people waiting for the drop-in tests snaked out the door, men and women of all ages sitting on the low curb and one cracked and weathered brown leather couch. Some of them looked decidedly grungy, probably homeless, and in need of a bath and a good meal. David tried really hard to not make up any hypothetical stories about them, to not have any judgmental thoughts about why they were here to be tested for STDs. After all, he was here too, and if anybody was going to judge anybody, well. He hadn’t made the best decisions either, had he? He was glad they’d made an appointment and didn’t have to wait in that lineup; he was already freaking out sitting in the waiting room, and waiting for an indeterminate amount of time would probably have made him fucking fall apart. His hands were shaking, and it was all he could do to breathe at what seemed like a normal rate and try to fill out the forms they’d handed him, pressing hard on the clipboard so that his writing wasn’t full of tremors.

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A woman went outside to the drop-in line and counted off twentyfive people and told the rest to come back tomorrow. A number easily twice that started getting up and trickling away. “Jesus. There’s so many people out there. They look like they need this free stuff more than we do,” David said, the guilt in his voice crystal clear. Jason’s knee knocked against his, comforting. “So we’ll make a contribution. Just chill, ok?” David’s name was called first, although he heard Jason’s announced before the door closed behind him as he was shown into a little closet of a room with an older woman, maybe his grandmother’s age, who took his clipboard. He blushed a little while she looked over his answers about his sexual history and tried not to fidget. She was very neutral as she explained the process, made sure he understood, and asked him if he had any questions. He didn’t. She got out a sterile kit and asked him to roll up his sleeve while she put on the gloves. He felt dizzy as he laid his arm on the table, his pulse pounding in his head. The nurse asked if the sight of blood made him faint and he said no, it didn’t, but honestly? Today it just might. It didn’t, though, and the little vial filled up quickly. The removal of the needle stung and made his eyes well up, or maybe it was just his overwhelming anxiety coupled with the kind smile the nurse gave him. The moisture didn’t spill down his cheeks, though, which was nice, and he only sniffled once as he thanked her and took the papers she handed him with instructions on how and when he could get his results. He walked outside, knowing Jason would be with him in a few minutes, and tried desperately to stop shaking, to not throw up, to breathe, and not to cry like a little girl. Three out of four wasn’t bad, he thought, and he must have been breathing since he hadn’t passed out yet. Somehow Jason managed to get him home, although David had no memory of it. He knew he was being an ass, but he couldn’t quite make himself snap out of it, out of the blind and all-consuming and very very 10

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real fear that he could die. It was one thing to know he was mortal and going to die someday, in an abstract way, but sending off a little vial of blood to see if it would be someday fairly soon was, well. Just about the most God-awful feeling he’d ever fucking felt. And horribly, terrifyingly real. He drank two bottles of beer and ate one measly slice of the pizza Jason had ordered while they sat and watched some baseball game on TV until it was dark. He managed to rouse himself enough to say goodbye, apologize for being a jerk all day, and give his friend a manly clasp on the shoulder. He closed the door behind Jason and leaned against it for a moment, letting the white noise in his head blot out everything. The sound of Jason’s truck driving off got him moving again, turning off the TV, putting the pizza away, feeding the dogs, locking up. He stripped off his clothes and fell into bed, eyes wide open, breath hitching slightly, what am I going to do? the only thought in his head besides the nearlywordless desperate prayer, oh God, please, no.

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Chapter Two

THE day after the test was easier, although still blurry. He felt a little numb, almost like he was mentally in shock or something, but David managed to lose himself in his usual routine of tidying up, walking the dogs, and going over his lines. His regular phone call to his mom that night left him feeling a little rattled, but a couple of bottles of beer and shots of tequila kept the panic at bay. Mostly. The following morning was an early call, which made him regret the tequila a little, but not enough to stop himself from repeating the treatment the following evening when he couldn’t stop imagining Scott, emaciated and weak and dying. He knew he was probably getting into a bad habit with the booze, but Jason had called to ask him how he was, after a day of shooting concerned looks at him, and he just needed to unwind somehow. It wasn’t like a few weeks of drinking too much were going to turn him into an alcoholic, and anyway, it was proving easier than usual to channel Claudio’s angst with a nice dose of his own personal worries to draw from. By the third day David knew the strain was getting to him when he snapped at the girl at Starbucks, who had done nothing wrong except hand him a cup of coffee that was almost too hot to hold onto. Everyone had turned to look at him and he’d felt like the biggest dick on the planet. He’d apologized profusely (and sincerely), and everyone had just shrugged it off and got on with whatever they were doing, but David couldn’t let it go. He had to find a way to deal with this for the next week and a half that didn’t involve a daily hangover and yelling at innocent bystanders. On Friday, when his morning jerk off in the shower ended with him sobbing pathetically for a few minutes after his brain had latched onto a memory of Scott fucking him in their tiny bathroom, he decided he 12

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needed to come up with a plan. He got dressed and sat down with breakfast and a pad of paper and wrote out a full schedule for the next ten days, every moment accounted for, including plenty of physical exercise. Hopefully that would stop his mind from wandering to bad places. It was a good plan and that day and the next were easier; David was busy and focused and didn’t have time to panic, although it was always there under the surface. Jason still shot him those concerned glances sometimes but didn’t bring it up when they were alone, aside from a quick, “You holding up okay, man?” and an affirmative nod from David. Of course, when they were alone together, David tried really hard to stay focused on rehearsing dialogue or on kicking Jason’s ass at whatever video game they were playing in the lounge room. There wasn’t as much goofing around as usual, and the endless string of pranks they pulled on each other (and everyone around them) had sort of been forgotten in the last few days. He and Jason hadn’t even just hung out after work since the night of the testing. David wasn’t avoiding him, really, just... Didn’t want to talk about it. Except that it was kind of killing him not to. On Saturday he was in the gym at the theater complex, productively killing time and trying to burn off some nervous energy while Jason did a few scenes with the woman playing Beatrice. David had overindulged in his favorite frappuccino and the excess of sugar was making him jumpy. Usually he could eat enough candy and sweets to send any other human into a diabetic coma; Jason and everyone else in the company teased mercilessly him about his enormous sweet tooth. He’d had a pretty good workout until near the end, when he was sitting on the bench, slowly doing bicep curls, and just froze. He had no idea how long he’d sat there, staring at the row of weights on the floor, when Jason sat down next to him and startled him out of his trance. “What if I get sick?” he blurted. Jason slung an arm around his broad shoulders, for once not commenting on how he smelled post-workout. “You won’t get sick.” “You don’t know that,” he shot back. 13

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“It’ll come back negative,” Jason said, shaking his head. “You don’t know that.” Jason made an impatient noise. “No. But it’s what I have to believe.” “What if yours is positive?” David scowled. “Shut up, man!” Jason said with a laugh. “God, you’re a bitch when you’re worried, aren’t you?” “Jerk.” The corner of David’s mouth quirked up into a small smile, betraying him. They sat for a moment, silent, just sharing space. As usual, David was the one to end it, opening his mouth and just rambling on, wherever his thoughts led him. “When I was in high school, the AIDS quilt came to town. Did you ever see it?” he asked. Jason shook his head, leaning back to get comfortable. David nodded. “I didn’t really have a whole lot of interest in it, but my friend Katie really wanted to go, and she didn’t want to go alone, so,” he shrugged. “I agreed to keep her company. Thought it would be pretty lame, you know, just some big quilt on the floor. Just some names. Not a big deal.” He bit his lower lip for a moment, remembering it. “We got there and it was like, the whole floor of the gym was just covered. There were little tiny footpaths, like six inches wide... Square after square after square after square of these little memorials. For all these people who’d died. And that was just a teeny tiny little potion of the quilt... Katie started to cry. That was the first time I ever had to deal with a crying woman, I think....” “And you’ve had to deal with it so often since then,” Jason teased lightly. 14

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“Shut up, asshole,” David snorted. “Anyway. It was... hard.” He swallowed around the knot in his throat. “I’m scared.” “I know.” The familiar arm wrapped around his shoulders again, and after a moment Jason actually pulled him into a real hug, his everpresent stubble rasping against David’s smooth cheek. David could feel him taking a deep breath and then heard him whisper, “I’m a little scared too.” David pulled away and gave his friend a long look. He’d pretty much thought Jay was only along for the ride, for support, and he hadn’t seemed even slightly worried. At least that’s what David had thought, but it was possible he’d been a little too wrapped up in his own blind panic and just hadn’t seen the little signs that tended to give Jason away when he was worried about something big. He was pretty good at hiding them from most people, but, well, David knew him pretty well. He just hadn’t been looking because he was such a narcissistic dick and a bad friend. Fuck. He couldn’t think of anything comforting to say so instead he poked Jason in the ribs, where he was ticklish and teased him in his best little-brother voice, “Well, you should be.” Jason rolled his eyes and tried to shove him off the bench. “Oh come on, Dave. You confusing real life and acting again? How often have you seen me actually pick someone up at a bar or a party and go home with them?” he demanded. At David’s raised eyebrow he clarified, “Or even disappear long enough for a quick fuck in the bathroom?” “Hmm... never?” “Exactly. I’m not the sleazebag that most of my characters are,” Jason said, then grinned and added, “Just like you’re apparently not the eunuch that Claudio is.” “Claudio’s not a eunuch!” David said defensively. “He’s saving himself. And I’ve had to be naked during the plays more than you, anyway!” 15

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Jason rolled his eyes. “Whatever. My point is that I’m not a manwhore like the local gossips seem to have decided I am. Did you really think that?” he said, looking disappointed and also slightly hurt. David shrugged. His friend was certainly gorgeous enough to be a total slut if he wanted to, with his short, sun-bleached blond hair, bright green eyes, and great body. People were always commenting about how sexy Jason was, which made him blush in the most adorable way, yet he was also kind of aloof. He definitely didn’t give off an “easy” vibe, David thought. “Not really. Doesn’t explain why you always go out with stupid looking bimbos though,” David pointed out. “They don’t expect much.” Jason shrugged back. “They’re easy to deal with. And I’m not really looking for anything meaningful at all.” “Yeah. Thank God I’m single,” he agreed. “I mean, I never thought I’d be glad that the only thing I’ve fucked lately is my right hand, but yeah. I can’t imagine having to tell a girlfriend about this. Or a boyfriend,” he added after a moment. “Yeah, no kidding.” For the rest of the day David was relieved to find himself distracted by thoughts no more angst-filled than wondering why a guy like Jason was single and why David hadn’t noticed that it had been months, maybe even since last winter, since his friend had even mentioned a girl.

SINCE it was a Saturday night, and they’d only had half a day of rehearsals, David felt that he ought to be at least a little social, so he offered to grill some skirt steak for dinner. Jason showed up at his house a couple of hours later, bringing some contributions from the market near his apartment, and they had a nice meal, the atmosphere as easy and comfortable as anything could be. The worry was like a toothache – or the throb of a broken bone, maybe, to pick a more recent example – always there, but could be ignored if he tried hard enough. But then something 16

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stupid would happen, like knocking his cast against the wall or trying to get the top off a bottle of beer, and he’d be reminded again. He couldn’t forget, but he gave it a damn good try for most of the evening. Once the sun went down and the dogs were tired out from endless games of frisbee, they all went inside and collapsed on the sofa. Jason was absorbed in whatever program was on the cooking channel, to David’s amusement, and they watched in silence until eventually David’s thoughts wandered down familiar gloomy paths again. “I think we should make a list of everyone we’ve ever slept with,” he said out of the blue, at the next commercial break. Jason’s head turned slowly away from an advertisement for air freshener to give him an incredulous look, then clearly made an effort to not even ask about his thought process. “What, like, now? No way.” “Sure, why not?” David said, going to get some notepads and pens. “Now’s good. Unless you can’t possibly remember the names of everyone you’ve fucked...” he said in a challenging tone. Jason rolled his eyes. “Not actually a slut, remember?” “Yeah, yeah. So you said,” David teased, and he wasn’t really surprised when he got a punch on the arm for it. “No, because it’s not going to come back positive,” Jason said in a serious tone. “You don’t know that.” Jason huffed in impatience. “Whatever. I’ve always been pretty careful.” David shook his head. “I dunno, man. Did you read that list of ‘risky activities’ on the stuff they sent us home with? Who uses dental dams or gloves? Have you ever gotten a blowjob using a condom? It’s fucking unreal.” “Yeah, well.’They’ say you should pretty much wrap yourself in latex before you even touch anybody.” Jason shrugged. 17

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“Exactly.” The note of panic in his voice was coming through a lot more clearly than David liked. “You can’t live your life like that, Dave,” Jason said, shaking his head. “I know, but... is it unsafe?” His friend made a face. “Yes? But so is getting in a car every day.” “Point.” David sat for a moment, then picked up his notebook and decided to get to it anyway. Just in case; not because he was being pessimistic. Just for something to do while Jason watched Paula Dean, although he, too, picked up his pad of paper with a long-suffering sigh and scribbled a few things on it every now and then. David couldn’t resist snooping while Jason was in the bathroom and was disappointed to find less than a half-dozen first names. “This can’t be all the people you’ve ever slept with,” he accused when Jason returned. “Jesus, David – it’s none of your fucking business!” Jason griped, striding over and trying to grab the list out of his hand. David easily held it out of reach, still looking it over. “Hey, there’s a guy’s name on here too. What’s the question mark mean?” he asked. Giving up, Jason flounced onto the couch and scowled. “Fuck off. God, you’re a dick. It’s none of your business,” he said again. David gave him an I’m waiting look, and Jason sighed. “Fine. It’s everyone I had potentially unsafe sex with or didn’t use condoms with, as far as I can remember.” “Including blowjobs and stuff?” David asked. “Yeah.” “Hmm... How risky is that? Maybe we should get some more information about this.” “From where?” Jason asked with a frown. “Any medically trained person is going to tell us to always use rubbers, for everything.” 18

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“Yeah. God this sucks. I don’t know what to do,” David sighed, sitting down and giving Jason back his list. Shaking his head, Jason reached for another beer and took a long drink before answering. “I don’t, either. Let’s just wait until we get the results back, okay? We’re probably freaking out over nothing.” “It just sucks,” he groaned. Jason rolled his eyes and kicked him in an affectionate sort of way. “You already said that.” “Yeah, well, it doesn’t change it from sucking so much, you know?” Chuckling, Jason reached for the remote. “I know. Let’s just watch a game and get drunk,” he suggested, flipping over to a sports channel. The basketball game held David’s attention for a little while, assisted by the second six-pack he and Jason were plowing through. Jason had taken one look at all of the bottles in his recycling bin and refused to let him break out anything harder, which was probably a good thing. The beer gave him a mellow enough buzz that he was mostly just relaxed and easily distracted, and distraction was just what David needed. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working. He slouched down into the cushions, resting his feet on the coffee table and pulled a throw pillow into his arms like a security blanket. He hadn’t realized how much he was brooding until Jason made an exasperated noise. David realized the game was at halftime and he hadn’t even noticed. Jason stretched his arm out over the back of the couch. “Come here.” “What?” “Oh for fuck’s sake, just come here and be cuddled like the little girl you obviously are,” Jason said with as much fake disgust as he could manage. 19

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David stuck his tongue out. “Fuck you.” “You want cuddling or not?” “Fine,” David huffed, moving closer like he was doing Jason a big favor. The game started again. Jason was warm. Reassuring. And ignoring him completely, aside from the fingertips that rubbed at his shoulder in an unconscious way, which was actually for the best, David thought. His body started to relax, comforted more than he wanted to admit. As his mind wandered his mouth opened and started working, like always. Jason almost never seemed to mind, and since the teams playing weren’t ones either of them cared much about, David just let himself talk. “I can’t imagine how Scott must be dealing with all of this; I feel horrible just thinking about the tests, about having it. But I’m so unbelievably pissed off at him for making me go through this, too... Like it’s his fault or something. Stupid; it’s not like he forced me to not use condoms.” Jason made an affirmative noise, eyes glued to the TV but David knew he was listening. It was just his way of giving him space to think. “I’m pissed off at myself for not taking care of myself,” he finally sighed. “For believing him when he said he didn’t sleep around so he was clean. For not insisting.” The hand on his shoulder lifted and petted his hair. The silence stretched, not uncomfortably. “Tell me about him?” Jason prompted. David shrugged a little, which had the benefit of wiggling him closer to Jason. It was nice to be held, for once; as such a big guy at 6’3”, mostly he did the holding and reassuring. This was good. Different, but nice. “He was my first,” he answered, letting the thoughts come out slowly. “First guy. I dunno; it was right after I moved to L.A. Met him at a 20

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party, we had the same casting agent. I thought he was just friendly at first, but then he kissed me one night, and, well. Turned out I wasn’t as straight as I’d thought, so I kissed him back. We were together for a few months; things kind of fell apart around the holidays.” He felt Jason nod. The silence grew again, but it wasn’t weird. David suddenly couldn’t think of why he hadn’t told Jason about this before; it really wasn’t a big deal. His friend didn’t seem upset, hadn’t tensed up at all, and David was definitely close enough that he’d have been able to feel even the slightest change in his body. It was okay. He hadn’t expected Jay to be homophobic, but still, you never knew. Instead it was just one more thing it turned out they shared, he thought, remembering the guy’s name on Jason’s list. “Tell me about your first guy?” he asked. Jason was quiet for a long time, long enough that David thought maybe he wasn’t going to answer. When he did, it was quietly and haltingly, and David knew he was being entrusted with something his friend rarely, if ever, talked about. “Trevor. I really liked him, a lot. So I thought, why not? And it felt right. So I decided I must be bi and just hadn’t really realized it – made sense of some of the weird feelings I’d had about some guys in the past. I must have been attracted to them in high school, just never realized, since I hadn’t thought of it as an option, you know? I think when you’re bi it’s easy to just ignore that part of yourself if you don’t know what to do with it.” David snorted a quiet laugh. “Yeah, it’s not like anyone was pushing me to consider being bisexual in Austin, you know?” “Exactly,” Jason said, hand falling back onto the couch so that David missed the warmth on his shoulder as Jason leaned forward to get his bottle from the table and take a long drink. “Were you in love with him?” he asked, putting the drink back and turning slightly to make eye contact for the first time since they’d started talking. David thought about it for a while. “Who knows? I was nineteen. I thought I was. It hurt at the time, but it wasn’t like he was the love of my life or anything.” 21

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“Yeah,” Jason nodded. “Funny how you always think it’s love and it hurts like a bitch, but then a few years later, it’s like it wasn’t a big deal at all, and so it must not have been the real thing,” he said in a thoughtful tone. “Yeah. And you let yourself get talked into things you know you shouldn’t,” David agreed. A hint of bitterness crept into his voice, so he decided to wash it away with more beer. Jason gave him a questioning look, so he explained, wondering if he was delving into Too Much Information territory. “We were safe at first. But then there were a few nights where we were drunk or lazy or whatever. I freaked out the first couple times, but he’d always say he wasn’t some skank who slept around a lot and I believed him. It was done anyway, right?” he said, disgusted. “So I just put it out of my mind. It’s so easy to just ignore what you don’t want to see when you’re young and you’re busy. You’re invincible, you know? Bad things couldn’t possibly happen to you.” Jason’s arm wrapped around him again, comforting. The game was over and David had no idea who had even won. It wasn’t important. Jason had turned the sound down when they’d started talking, and the dogs were snuffling in their sleep on the other side of the couch. The part of David that had felt terrified and alone for the last five days (or eight days, really, since Scott’s phone call) finally felt calm, taken care of. Not reassured, not forgetful of the drama, but... at peace with it. With waiting, with Jason. That was the only excuse he had for putting his hand on Jason’s thigh and twisting around, barely meeting his friend’s gaze for a second before he kissed him. It wasn’t an earth-shattering kiss, nor full of lust and passion, as David had sometimes fantasized about in the most private corners of his mind. But it was nice. Jason’s lips were soft and full, welcoming without pressuring in any way. Mouths barely open, just a slight hint of barbecue sauce and beer and Jason. For all that it was more friendly than sexy, and in spite of all the things that it wasn’t, it was still a damn nice kiss. 22

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At least it was until Jay pushed him back with a gentle hand on his shoulder, eyes clouded with things David couldn’t read. “You don’t really want this,” he said in a solemn voice, “You’re just doing this because you’re scared.” David fought against the urge to scowl and gave Jay’s objection some thought for a moment, lips still tingling and head buzzing equally from too much beer and too much Jason. His gaze shifted back to his friend’s as he shook his head. It totally wasn’t true, but still. “Yeah, okay,” he said. “It’s getting late.” “David…” “No, really. It’s okay,” he lied. “You’re right. I am scared. And this isn’t the right time. Thanks for the girly cuddling, though.” Jason’s mouth twisted up in smile as they both got up from the couch. “Anytime.” And that was one of the best things about Jay, David thought as the door closed behind him. He meant it. David didn’t have to be anyone other than who he was, however he was in whatever moment, with Jay. Scared out of his mind, silly, goofy, sad, or even affectionate. Jason was there for him.

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Chapter Three

THE next day, Jason had a bug up his butt about something and was a massive bitch, refusing to be cajoled out of it. David couldn’t believe what brat he was being and seriously hoped it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that he’d kissed him last night. But if it did, well, Jason should just say something and not be a giant dickhead all day. Jason had calmed down after their dinner break, gotten his panties untwisted, David had teased, and as a reward David offered to take him out to the bar they frequented after work was done. It was dark and cozy in their corner booth, and if any theater patrons had ever recognized them, they had kept it to themselves. The bartender usually didn’t mind bringing them their next round if it wasn’t too busy, and they always left a nice tip. Jason kicked his feet up onto the bench next to David and drained about three-fourths of his beer in one go. “God, I needed that,” he sighed, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. And then, in typical Jason fashion, wiped his hand on a napkin rather than his jeans like any normal dude would. “How did I ever miss that you were gay?” David asked. Booted feet kicked him. “Fuck you,” he glared. “Not everything is black and white. And I’m not gay.” David rolled his eyes. “Fine. Bi, then.” Jason made a face, wrinkling his nose. “I don’t even know if I’m that.” “Have you ever had an orgasm because of another guy?” David asked pointedly. Jason started to reply, but he cut him off, “Not counting jacking off thinking about Brad Pitt, of course.” 24

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“Well, if that doesn’t count...” Jason grinned. David gave him a pointed look. “Fuck, you are a nosy bitch,” he said shaking his head. He put his bottle down with more noise than was necessary and met David’s eyes in a challenge. “Yeah. Made out with and got sucked off by a few guys. Returned the favor. Fucked one guy. Never been fucked.” David raised his eyebrows, a grin spreading across his face. Jason rolled his eyes. “Jason is a virgin,” David sang. “Shut up! Am not.” “You’re a gay ass virgin.” “I’m not gay!” Jason protested, kicking him again, hard enough to bruise. “Bi, then. Whatever.” David grinned. Jason shook his head, looking angry, though there seemed to be no heat in it. There was something there, though... “I can’t believe you can deal with all this other shit, with the testing and the fact that either of us might fucking die, but you can’t admit you like cock,” David said. Impatient, Jason rolled his eyes. “Just sometimes. And whatever. Fuck you.” “Aww...” David nudged their knees together. “You’re so messed up. Good thing I love you anyway.” “Ass.” The affection in Jason’s voice was clear, though. “I’m going to get another round,” he said, sliding out of their booth. David watched him walk away, amused and intrigued as usual by the twisted logic of his friend’s inner workings. And not looking at his butt. Well, not much.

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THE next few days were rough, but better. It was starting to wear David down, though, all of this fretting. It was hard for him, a constant nagging burden. It would be hard for anybody, of course, but for a person like David, it was really fucking exhausting being this worried all the time. It pulled at his core self, his essence or whatever. Normally he was a pretty happy guy; “outgoing” and “gregarious” was what his teachers in high school used to say. (“Obnoxious” and “loud” was what Jason usually said.) But lately? He’d been quiet and twitchy and withdrawn and it totally sucked, being like that. He just couldn’t snap out of it, and there were still six days to go. He had no fucking idea how he was going to get through them. Even when he’d been miserable before, sad, upset over a heartbreak or when a friend had died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, it still hadn’t been like this. This was a fretful worry, like a scab he couldn’t stop picking at, even though he knew the wound wasn’t healing at all. And how come all of his analogies for emotional pain related to being injured anyway? Just what he had the most experience with, he guessed. For all that his character this season, Claudio, was a broody little twerp, David usually wasn’t. This was just so weird and disconcerting for him; he wasn’t used to feeling so alienated from the people around him. He felt like he was acting, only this was real life. And that was really fucking terrifying. He couldn’t even sleep anymore, and even when he did it was all bad dreams and light dozing, to the point that even looking at his bed made his guts start to get all knotted up. He was usually so solid. Sure, he was goofy and spastic sometimes, but he was a pretty grounded guy underneath the happy chaos, and the constant fear in the back of his head just made him feel wrong and off-center. It was horrible. Lying on his bed, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, he reflected that at least he’d had something new to think about for the last couple of days: kissing Jason. It wasn’t that he’d never thought about it before; it was just that he’d never really thought about it before. It had been sort of an impulse, and it had felt right at that moment, but he hadn’t consciously considered 26

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Jason that way. Only now, he couldn’t stop. Considering him. Not on purpose, not seriously, but still – once you’ve had those kinds of thoughts, once you’ve tasted the inside of someone’s mouth, it kind of makes you consider whether you’d want to do it again. And David wasn’t at all surprised to find that he did. Whether he honestly wanted to act on that desire was another question entirely. And whether Jason would let him, or push him away, or even slug him, was another. Despite the fact that those thoughts were complicated and not altogether pleasant, they sure as fuck beat the other thoughts he’d been having for the last week and a half... And he hadn’t jerked off in a few days, David realized out of the blue. Maybe that was part of what was getting him down, making him twitchy. He hadn’t been able to since Friday morning when he’d remembered Scott in the shower, and, yeah. That had probably contributed to his extra energy, although he wasn’t horny, not really. Just... off. Agitated. Without drinking or jacking off David was running out of ideas for how to calm himself down, although yeah, actually he thought running might help. But it was after eleven at night by now and a little late to take the dogs out, even if they’d be up for it. He was starting to think that he probably had some addiction problems and wondered briefly if maybe he was a budding alcoholic or nymphomaniac. And could guys be nymphos? Wasn’t that a feminine word or something? He wondered briefly before rolling his eyes at his own geekiness and grabbing his phone. “I can’t sleep,” he said when Jason picked up. “I know you have a late call tomorrow, so I figured you’d still be awake. If you’re going to bed, though, just tell me and I’ll stop bothering you.” “No, I was up; it’s only a little after midnight. What’s wrong?” “Just...” he sighed. “I can’t sleep.” “Yeah, looks like you haven’t been,” Jason said in a sympathetic voice. 27

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“Fuck. No, I guess I haven’t. It’s showing pretty badly then?” He could almost hear Jason’s shrug. “I dunno about that. I mean, you always look like crap before you’ve got your makeup on.” “Fuck off,” David laughed. “Nah; I can just tell. You look tired. Do you wanna talk about it?” he offered, yawning midway, the slow, lazy drawl starting to creep in around the edges. It was comforting. David sighed. “Maybe if you say it, it’ll be less scary,” Jason prompted. He thought about that for a minute. “What if sayin’ it makes it more real?” “Well, then you can deal with it rather than having it just floating around inside your head,” Jason argued. “Never seen the armchair psychologist side of you before,” David snorted. “Shut up. I only pull out this stuff for chicks.” “Oh fine,” David pouted. “If the high-heeled shoe fits, man...” “Do you think they even make heels in my size?” David pondered. “Oh God, I don’t wanna go there.” “Yeah, okay,” David agreed. He paused for a minute. “I just, um. I’m scared. What if it’s positive?” “Well, then we’ll deal with it, right?” Even Jason’s comforting tone of voice wasn’t dispelling the nausea that started churning in David’s gut. “If it’s positive, I’m gonna die,” he said quietly.

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“David,” Jay sighed. “Everybody’s gonna die. And they’ve come a long way with the medicine now, and who knows what’ll change in the next ten years? And you’re a pretty goddamn healthy dude – it’s not like you’ll drop dead in the next week. Maybe they’ll even find a cure or something one day.” “Yeah... But...” David could hear Jay rolling his eyes impatiently, the slight sigh as David rejected the attempt to reassure him, and just let him talk anyway, get the ugly thoughts out. “If I’m HIV positive, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Who’s gonna want to be with me, Jay? I mean, for sex, yeah, of course, but everything else too – dating, marriage, relationships. All of that.” He tried really hard not to sniffle and hoped Jason would just think he had a runny nose. “Love?” “Yeah,” he said in a small voice, hating that he sounded so pathetic. Jason sighed. “You don’t know that you’ll be alone. I doubt you could be. Everyone loves you. I mean, if someone’s willing to put up with your girly brooding and stinky socks, I’m sure safe sex won’t be a big deal. And that’s if you’re positive.” David snorted, amused and irritated and glad his friend was just being himself, even in the face of David’s emo moment. “Realistically, how big do you think the chances are that you’ll be positive?” Jason pushed. “Well, we definitely had unprotected sex.” “Like, a lot?” “I think it only takes the one time, Jay.”

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“Yeah but... statistically speaking,” he argued. “I mean, it wasn’t your smartest moment, no, but I wouldn’t have gone to get tested with you if I’d been wrapped in latex every single time myself.” “Yeah, but you’re still mostly just along for the ride. I mean, the stats say the chances of girls giving it to guys are pretty slim. Right?” Jason was silent for a while, then cleared his throat. “Just because some behaviors are more risky than others doesn’t mean anything.” “Jay? That was a long pause, there,” he probed. “Well...” he sighed. “There might have been a few more guys’ names I added to that list later.” “Really?” “Yeah. Really.” “You kind of said there hadn’t been that many when we were at the bar the other night, Mr. I’m-Not-Gay. And how come you never told me, anyway? That you were bi or whatever.” “I don’t know!” Jason said defensively. “I didn’t want it to be weird and it didn’t seem that important.” “Weird how?” “Weird like this!” “What do you mean?” “I don’t want to, I dunno, bond with you over how many guys’ cocks you’ve sucked, any more than I wanna bond with you over how many chicks have sucked my dick,” Jason said, flustered. David laughed. “Yeah, I guess that would be weird.” “And God, Dave,” he laughed, “Knowing you, if you were straight you’d probably want to throw me a parade to celebrate me being gay. And I’m not really the marching band type, you know?”

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“Nah, you’re much more the girl on the float, throwin’ candy at everyone.” Jason snorted. “Sure you’re not talking about yourself there, buddy?” “Oooh, what kind of candy do you think I should throw? Do you think they’d let me pick out what I wanted? That would be awesome. I bet they’d let me eat as much as I wanted, too, or anyway they couldn’t stop me once the float got going... Although I guess they only drive, what, like two miles per hour?” David thought out loud. Jason groaned. “You’re never gonna go to sleep, are you?” “Oh. Sorry. You gettin’ tired?” “A little; it’s after one,” he answered, yawning. “Why don’t you just come over? You always seem to sleep well on my couch.” “Nah, I have to get up early. In, fuck, five hours,” David whined. “Just think about something else.” “Like what?” “You’re in bed, right? I don’t know, how about that one time we went hiking,” Jason suggested. His quiet voice described their walk through the redwood forest, the colors of the trees and plants and sky, reminding David of how peaceful it was. In response, David’s breathing evened out and knots of tension in his body started to loosen. His eyelids grew heavy and soon they closed as he listened to the sound of Jason’s voice rather than the actual words, hearing how his friend’s exhaustion lengthened his vowels. Neither of them had much of a Texan accent anymore, but when they were tired it slipped out unconsciously, and it was incredibly soothing to hear how the words spread out more than usual. “Dave?” “Mmm... Yeah?” Jason chuckled quietly. “Come on, man, hang up the phone.” 31

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And those were the last words David remembered hearing until his alarm went off the next morning.

FIVE more days to go, David kept telling himself. Today was Wednesday, the last of a nine-day schedule, and he only had a few scenes to work on with the girl who played Hero and the director. He’d been a little off his game all week, big surprise. Hopefully there wouldn’t be too many spots that also needed blocking changes, and he could be out of the theater at a reasonable hour. Jason, the lucky bastard, had done most of his romantic scenes the day before and was only coming in for a couple of hours, tops. The day went as smoothly as it possibly could, and if David looked a little extra haggard and sleepless, well, Claudio wasn’t having a great time of it lately anyway and it didn’t matter. Around noon he asked Jason if he wanted to go out to dinner, to make up for being such a moody jerk for the last couple of weeks. Jason agreed, of course, as long as David was buying, and rather than go to one of their usual spots, David wanted to do something nice. Like a date, sort of, only not. Probably. Anyway, he asked around and made reservations and called Jason to tell him to wear something other than a T-shirt and jeans. “Wait, what? Like, how nice is this place? And why?” Jason asked, an amusing note of suspicion coloring his voice. David laughed. “It’s not like you have to get dressed up. It’s just, you know, dinner somewhere decent for a change. With waiters and everything.” “Whatever.” He could almost hear Jason roll his eyes. “Great. Pick you up at seven,” he said, wondering when his stomach had gone all fluttery. It was just Jay. His best friend. Who was apparently bi and also very hot, but still. Just because he hadn’t shoved David away after their brief kiss didn’t mean he wanted more. Then again, it didn’t mean he didn’t either. 32

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And honestly? Whether it worked out or not, it would be kind of fun to fuck with Jason and act like it was a date, David thought, smiling to himself as he went to go get dressed. David was determined to forget about the whole AIDS and impending-death thing for one night and turned all of his attention on his “date,” in full-on charming mode. He complimented Jason on his shirt when he picked him up and would have opened the door to his truck if Jay hadn’t beaten him to it first. As they were shown to their table he mentioned again that he’d be getting the bill. Jason stopped and looked at him once the hostess had turned to leave. “Damn right you are. But if you hold out my chair for me, I’m gonna to have to hit you.” David rolled his eyes. “It makes me hot when you’re so butch. Fine then, I’ll be the girl,” he laughed, looking pointedly at his own chair. Snorting, Jason sat down. He leaned back a little and kicked David’s chair out for him, smirking. “I’m failing to see the allure of the bad boy, here,” David said, shaking his head. “That part comes later,” Jason said with a leer that was pure sex. “This is the part where you get to spend the whole dinner wondering just how good I am in bed, that people are willing to put up with my shit.” “Oh, I see. And?” “You’ll have to find out just like everybody else,” Jason teased. David laughed, although he did wonder at how easily Jason fell into the flirting. Was it just another way to fuck with each other or was there something more there that he wasn’t seeing? Either way, he decided over the course of dinner, this fake date with his best friend was one of the best he’d ever had. Conversation was easy and they laughed a lot and only drank just a little too much wine. And the food? Fucking fantastic. David wanted to go give his compliments to the chef, but as that would have involved walking on unsteady feet, it didn’t seem like the best plan. Okay, definitely too much wine, but whatever. 33

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They had dessert in an attempt to sober David up, and when that failed Jason said he’d drive. All of David’s sleeplessness, combined with the alcohol and good food, was seriously messing him up. The filter between his brain and mouth seemed to dissolve, which wasn’t that strange, but usually required a fuck of a lot of booze. Apparently ten days of insomnia made him a lightweight. “Not a fucking lightweight,” Jason grumbled, manhandling him toward his front door. “Awww... Do I get a good night kiss, darlin’?” David asked, puckering up once he’d managed to get the door unlocked. “What, you’re not gonna invite me in for a nightcap?” Jason gave him an exasperated sigh. “Wasted evening, if I ain’t even gonna score.” “I don’t put out on the first date, Jay.” Making a noise of disgust, his friend shoved past David and the hyperactive dogs. “All right then, I guess I’ll kick your ass at Guitar Hero.” “As if,” David snorted, trying not to trip over Lucy, Ethel, Bubba, or his own feet. They played for a while, but for once Jason was soundly beating him; David was just too out of it to put up much of a fight. After he lost the third game in a row, his friend took pity on him and switched to the TV. Without asking and with an impish little grin, David pulled Jason into his arms and snuggled up, half for laughs and half because, well, he wanted to. Jason gave him a long-suffering sigh, but wrapped his arm around David’s shoulder. “You smell nice,” David said after a while. “How wasted are you?” “Hmm... Mostly just fuckin’ tired, I think.”

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Jason’s hand moved to David’s head to pat him like a child, but then he kept it there and started winding his fingers through David’s hair. It felt really good; having his hair played with was one of those things that immediately relaxed him, almost like a drug. Only kinda arousing, too. So of course it seemed like a good idea, once Jason stopped, to twist around and kiss him again. Their lips met more easily tonight, and David felt his heartbeat throbbing through his body as Jason’s arms wrapped around him, holding him, mouth opening, fully participating in the kiss this time. He wiggled closer and ended up straddling Jason’s lap, their chests pressed together. Jason’s hands stroked up and down his spine, coming to rest on his hips, and David couldn’t hold back from a little thrust forward and certainly couldn’t restrain his groan as his cock pressed up against Jason’s. Hard. Aroused. By him. Breathless, he pulled back a little. Jason opened his eyes slowly and the clear desire in them made David want to push him down into the sofa and fuck him senseless. Or be fucked. Whichever. Jason’s hands tightened on his hips, though, holding him still, and David obeyed the unspoken order. They just looked at each other for a few moments, breath slowing down, rational thought returning. Jason looked away. Suppressing a sigh, David crawled off his lap. They didn’t talk much more; it was late, and well. As horny as David was, it just didn’t feel right. If that made him a pussy for thinking it, then so be it. He wouldn’t mind fucking Jason, but he didn’t want to use him, either, and he couldn’t be sure that wouldn’t be what he was doing. So yeah. At least now he’d be able to think of something hot enough to jerk off to, he thought, trying to look on the bright side as he locked the door behind Jason, turned off the lights, and made his way to bed. 35

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DAVID worked out extra long the next day, relishing the feeling of renewed energy that he’d woken up with. Apparently a good orgasm to clean out the pipes, ten hours of solid sleep, and something else to think about – namely Jason – were exactly what he needed to almost feel like his normal self again. He’d made it through the two days off by keeping himself busy with fairly normal activities, and if he spaced out sometimes, well, no one was around to see. The groceries were bought, the house cleaned up, and all of the dogs given a much-needed bath. He got together with a few local friends on Friday afternoon, some of the festival crew and their buddies, and watched a baseball game, staying around for dinner and a few hands of cards afterward. He went home that night with an extra $50 and a headache from too much beer and sugar – or too much socializing and repressed worry, possibly – and checked his messages to find two from Jason. Jason, who he’d been trying not to think about for the last couple of days, and failing. Well, he’d been trying not to obsess; there was nothing wrong with just thinking about his best friend, after all. It was the thoughts about skin and touching and tasting and wondering what all those hard muscles would feel like under his hands that David was trying to avoid. Not so very successfully. Really, he knew it wasn’t a good thing to be focusing on just now. Or ever, maybe, but definitely not now, not when a big part of the allure was the fact that it made it a lot easier to avoid thinking about his test results. That wasn’t fair to Jason and wasn’t fair to their friendship of over three years. It was just fucked up that the one potentially happy thought currently bouncing around his head was something he couldn’t allow himself to think about. Jay had been so great lately, steady and calm and there for him. David had no idea how he’d have gotten through the last two weeks without him, but knew it would have been a whole lot worse. His teasing and friendship and even their silly date had been just 36

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awesome. And the serious conversations had been pretty nice, too. They normally didn’t talk about things like love and death and sex and fear, but it had been okay. Good, even. Usually that was what girlfriends were for, those kinds of talks, and it was surprising to realize that Jason was sort of filling that role now. David chuckled to himself, imagining Jason as his girlfriend. The smile faded from his face when the word “boyfriend” popped into his head unbidden. Yeah, Jason would probably be pretty good at that too. David got into bed, set the alarm for early, and tossed and turned for about an hour before he sighed and picked up his phone. “I can’t believe you’re calling me to tell me you can’t sleep at, what, ass-o’clock at night?” Jason grumbled. “Oh come on, you’d turn your ringer off if you really didn’t want to talk to me.” “God, I hate you.” “Yeah, that’s why you hang out with me all the time,” David chuckled. “Where were you?” “Tim’s, for the Mets versus Cardinals. Then Chinese food and poker. You’d be proud of me: I actually won money this time.” “Only because I wasn’t there,” Jason laughed, and David stuck his tongue out even though his friend couldn’t see it. “So why’re you callin’ me now? It’s late.” David shrugged and looked at the shadows on his ceiling. “Three more days,” he finally said. Jason sighed. “You need to relax and go to sleep, Dave. Just put it out of your mind.” The next words that came out of David’s mouth were not his fault. A wicked urge hit him out of nowhere and it was entirely Jason’s fault, 37

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with his soothing, husky voice right in David’s ear, which made him start talking before he had a chance to censor himself. “You know what always makes me fall asleep...” he said with a leer in his voice. There was a long pause, long enough that David started to get a little nervous, although he’d been joking. Mostly. Jason’s breathing changed a little. “You hittin’ on me?” “Tryin’ to.” David grinned, although he wasn’t sure if he was still just teasing or not. Either option would work, though, so whatever. “You fall asleep after you come?” Jason asked in a voice that was almost a purr, the most purely sexual voice David had ever heard him use. He couldn’t tell if Jay was just teasing him back or what, but it was sexy as shit. And it was kind of making him hard. “Mmm... yeah,” David replied, putting some amusement into his voice in case they were just giving each other hell, but he let his hand reach down and start rubbing his dick anyway. And it was true, regardless. “So, what are you wearin’?” “Yeah, this isn’t weird,” Jason said with a slightly breathless chuckle. “Come on man, just play along.” “Fuck. Uh. I’m wearing boxers; how about you?” “Nothing.” “You sleep naked?” “When I’m alone, yeah. I get hot,” David said in his dirtiest voice. Jason snorted. “But you don’t sleep naked when you have company?” “Well, when I have certain kinds of company...” 38

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“Oooh-kaay...” There was a long pause, and David’s breathing was audibly filling it. “Are you, uh...?” Jason asked, trailing off. David’s hand started stroking in earnest. “Yeah.” He moaned a little. “Are you?” “Aw, fuck.” There was a slight rustling sound on Jason’s end. “Yes. God, this is fucked up, even for us.” “Kinda hot, though.” “Sure, if you get off on weird.” “I get off on you,” David said without thinking. A noise kind of like a moan came from Jason’s end. David thrust up into his own hand in response, gasping as he pictured it – Jason, naked in his bed, hard cock in one hand, phone in the other, eyes closed, face and chest flushed with arousal. Because of David. His hand worked harder, pleasure tearing through him like a hot summer storm, abs clenching as his body started to reach for climax already. “Oh shit, man. I’m so close,” David groaned. “Damn, boy,” Jason chuckled, breathless. “You’ve got no stamina!” David shook his head. “S’cuz this is so fuckin’ weird,” he panted. “And it’s been a few days – too stressed out.” “No wonder you’ve been such a bitch,” his friend said, groaning a little on the last few words. A wave of pleasure at the sound of it flashed through David and just about did him in.

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“You want that?” he gasped, hand clenching tight, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling his bedroom as he worked his cock. “Want me to be your bitch, Jay? I will,” he panted. “I will. And then I’ll make you mine,” he managed to grunt, as he let his own words and the images they created push him over the edge. He came for what felt like forever, long pulses that shot all the way up his chest, totally not caring about how loud he was being or what he was saying or anything other than the brilliant flash of ecstasy burning through his body like lightning. His eyes fluttered, hand unclenching a little, still enjoying the last jolts of pleasure as he heard a deep groan from Jason’s end, muffled, probably by a bitten lip. He wondered idly what it would take to get Jason to yell, full and loud. They both breathed for a few minutes, harsh gasping turning into quiet pants and finally nearly silent breaths. “We are not talkin’ about this. Like, ever.” David snorted. “Yeah, okay. It was good, though. Thanks, Jay.” He got a snort in reply. “You’re welcome, I guess. See you in the morning.” “G’night.” “Night.” David clicked off the phone and wiped his sticky hand and stomach clean on the sheets. He fell asleep minutes later, phone still in his left hand and a smile on his face.

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Chapter Four

THE next few days were actually pretty fucking funny, in retrospect. They did not talk about their phone call, but it ended up being so obvious that they were avoiding talking about something that it was a wasted effort. David actually thought it was amusing right now. The way Jason tried so hard to act like everything was just fine, but flinched every time David touched him during blocking rehearsals for their fight scene was fucking priceless. He should have tried something like this on his friend before as a prank. But then again, he didn’t really feel like pranking about something like this. Yeah, it had been kind of a joke, but it was still damn hot, and he did want Jason. So while it wasn’t very flattering that it had obviously fucked with Jay’s head, maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that it wasn’t just a joke and jerk, that there was a little more to it than just getting off. It had been really good: surprisingly erotic, and by far the best phone sex David had ever had. They hadn’t even talked each other through it much, or talked dirty, but it was still hot. Jason’s sex-voice was incredible; just the memory of his moans made David’s cock twitch in his jeans whenever he thought about it. So yeah, maybe the timing was bad, but he definitely wanted Jason. And he was getting the idea that Jason wanted him too. The thought made David’s entire body feel tingly. And then somehow, without him paying it much thought, the days passed and it was Monday. Time to go back to the clinic and get their test results. The hours between realizing that today was the day and actually getting to the clinic were just about the worst David could remember in 41

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recent history, and certainly his worst day on-stage for “Much Ado.” He fumbled his lines, dropped Claudio’s sword twice, hit Jason in the head when he tossed him a mask, and tripped over everything including his feet, a throw rug in the “villa,” and, apparently, air. Everyone within a three-mile radius seemed to be pissed off at him by the time the director threw up his hands and called a halt for their lunch break. David wanted to apologize for being so unprofessional, but he couldn’t. It was time to go, like now, and he was afraid he was going to hurl if he opened his mouth. Thank God Jason was driving. David almost hyperventilated on the ride over. Jason looked tense as well, but seemed more caught between being annoyed at David for fucking up their entire morning of work and sympathetic because he knew the reason why. They were a couple of minutes past their appointment time and were shown into the little closet-sized rooms right away. The woman confirmed that his identification number matched the one her forms were for, talked to him a little bit, handed him some paperwork, and two minutes later shoved a nauseous David out the door. This time, though, it was from relief – he was negative. He didn’t have HIV. The bone- and soul-deep release from worry and the sudden drain of sick fear that had been tormenting him for the last two weeks made his legs turn into JELL-O and his head spin. Despite the fact that he hadn’t passed out when they took his blood two weeks ago, he actually did get so dizzy leaving the cubicle that he stumbled and had to sit down in the lobby for a few moments, now that it was all over. He was clean.

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AFTER a long afternoon of apologies for the shitty morning and trying to work at breakneck speed to get through the scenes they were supposed to finish for the day, David was exhausted. He felt drained past all his usual reserves of energy, but also strangely exhilarated, now that it was all over. When Jason asked if he wanted to go out and grab a few drinks before heading home it seemed like the best idea ever. Clumsily pushing Jason against the side of his SUV and kissing him until there was no beer flavor left, just hot and wet and Jason, seemed like an ever better idea, several hours later. The best idea David had ever had in the history of everything, maybe. No – definitely. Eventually, Jason untangled their arms and pushed David back enough to get some air. “Gonna have to stop, Dave. Not a good place for this.” David grinned and knew it looked idiotic, despite him being totally drunk off his ass. Or perhaps because of it. “Take me home then?” he suggested with a leer. Jason made a quiet, lustful noise and got them into the truck and heading home before David could do much more than blink. Unfortunately, once they got inside, the dogs jumped all over them both and Jason had to go and start thinking again – David could tell because his forehead got all scrunched up and his eyes lost that unfocused glaze they got when they’d been making out for a while. David loved that glaze. He wanted to see it every fucking day if he could. Taking matters into his own hands, David shoved Jason against the wall and kissed him again. He was really loving this thing where he got to manhandle Jay, push him against hard surfaces, hold him there, and kiss the hell out of him, he reflected with the part of his brain that hadn’t yet located itself in his dick. After that, though, there was no more blood left to fuel any such thoughts, because Jason was kissing him, pulling him close, grabbing his ass, licking into his mouth. And making the most goddamned arousing little noises David had ever heard. A really good one – kind of a gasp and a groan mixed together – broke free of Jason’s throat when David licked 43

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down his stubbled jawbone and pressed his hips forward to grind their hard cocks together through their jeans. Man, Jason was just the sexiest thing David had ever been this close to. Jason chuckled. “I’m flattered, stud, but maybe we can move this to some place less vertical, huh?” “I like the way you think.” David grinned, not embarrassed at all to be caught thinking out loud, and grabbed Jay’s hand to yank him down the hall to the bedroom. He got both their shirts off, toed off his own shoes, and sat down to get his socks when he noticed Jason was just standing there, watching. “What?” “Just admiring the view.” Jason grinned. “You’ve seen it before.” Shaking his head slowly, Jason let his eyes linger on all the broad planes of David’s torso. “Not like this, I haven’t.” David grinned and stretched back on the bed, sliding his hands down to the waist of his jeans. “C’mere, and you can do a whole lot more than just look,” he promised. “Tempting,” Jason said, but didn’t move. David rolled his eyes and stretched a leg out, hooking his foot behind Jason’s knee and tugging until Jay was forced to take a step forward. His resistance seemed to crumble after that. Seconds later he was crouched on top of David, straddling his hips and looking down at him like a starving man at a buffet. Another moment passed. David quirked an eyebrow, wondering why Jay wasn’t moving. Jason huffed and gave a slight shake of his head, then bent to suck David’s soul right out of his mouth like some damned Incubus or something. Not that David was protesting; his soul seemed like a pretty good deal for kisses like that. Their tongues tangled, the kiss deep and wet and lasting for an eternity. 44

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He gave way willingly, letting Jason be in control and take what he wanted while David just gave it up and moaned like a whore, wrapping his arms around Jason, kneading the strong muscles on his shoulders, back, biceps, hips, and ass. Nice, firm, round ass. David squeezed it again, pulling Jason down closer for a better grip and found that this had the added benefit of giving him something to rub against. Namely, Jason’s cock. Through his jeans, though, and that was no good at all. Why were they still wearing clothes? Now he’d have to let go and untangle before they could get them off and that sucked. Jason laughed from somewhere near his throat. “Man, do you ever shut up?” “Yeah, when I sleep. I think. Now get off me and get naked, jerk,” David huffed. Giving him a fond look, Jason withdrew enough to wiggle his jeans off in an amusingly effective little shimmy. When he pushed off his boxers as well and then moved back far enough that David could get a really good look, David couldn’t hold back a groan. Without thinking, he reached for his jeans and four hands fumbled together, getting the rest of the clothes out of the way. And then they were naked. Together. They’d been naked together before, in dressing rooms and whatnot, and even horsed around in swimming pools mostly-naked, but this? This was different. This was naked and aroused and breathing hard and lips still slick with the taste of each others’ mouths. This was awesome. It got even better when Jason crawled back on top of him and pressed their bodies together from chest to thigh, cocks sliding next to each other, skin everywhere. Jason kissed him breathless, kissed him until David couldn’t help but grab Jay’s ass again and start thrusting up. A warning bite on his jaw wasn’t really the deterrent Jason appeared to think it might be; it made David’s dick leak instead, and he moaned, wanting to lose himself in this. 45

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“What do you want?” Jason asked, lips moving against his throat. David swallowed. He wanted everything. But he was still drunk, more on sex than booze at this point, but if they were going to fuck, he wanted to be sober enough to be really good at it. There was something, though, that he’d been thinking about ever since their phone call. “I wanna see what I heard three nights ago, Jay,” he said, adding when Jason hesitated, “Please?” “Fuck, Dave. Yeah.” Jason shifted back a little, resting his ass on David’s thighs. One hand dug into David’s shoulder, and the other – warm, callused, wonderful – wrapped around his cock. David’s fingers tightened on Jason’s hips for a moment, eyes falling shut as he indulged in the sensation. The grip was perfect, fingers sure and strong, thumb on that spot right beneath the head, but mostly it was just Jason, the person the hand belonged to. David opened his eyes to see familiar green ones gazing down at him, one eyebrow slightly quirked in concern. “Fuck, so good,” David moaned, smiling a little. “Just been a while,” he added, letting go of Jason’s hip with one hand and taking hold of the other man’s erection. “So hot; you feel so good,” he mused, watching Jason’s face. The glaze came back to Jason’s eyes as David started to jerk him off, and a moment later he felt Jason match his rhythm. It didn’t matter that it was slow, this glide of skin on skin, that the pull and twist and sweep of thumb in the wetness leaking out of their dicks never sped up, never changed. It was intense, like every nerve in David’s body was sparking, catching fire, and mostly because of what Jason fucking looked like rather than what his hand was doing to David’s cock. His eyes were dilated with arousal and reflected need, lips parted and red, face and throat and chest flushing dark as they jerked each other off. Jason’s hips were rocking in a slow, unconscious glide that made David want to roll over and beg Jason to fuck him, but there was no time for that now. 46

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It should have been weird, getting off like this with just a hand-job, but it was fucking fantastic. Jason laughed breathlessly, catching him out again. “It is weird.” “Yeah. But it’s us.” And it was – it was weird, it was them, and it just all slid into place when Jason’s eyes went all soft at David’s words. A simple sweep of Jason’s thumb over his slit finally brought David over the edge; he’d been so caught up in watching Jay that he hadn’t been paying attention to how close he was. He spilled over Jason’s fist in short, intense bursts as release slammed through him, leaving David gasping, hands clenching reflexively on Jason’s body. Apparently Jason liked things a little rough, because he thrust hard into David’s orgasm-tightened grip, working himself quickly. In moments he was adding his own come to the mess on David’s stomach with a hoarse shout that David would never forget. And hopefully would hear again and again. Soon, David thought. Right after a short nap... Jason rolled to the side, probably to clean up, but David was having none of that. He wrestled Jason into a bear hug, letting go enough to call it a proper cuddle when he felt his friend relax and stay. Something felt wrong, though. He opened his eyes with reluctance. “Nap?” David asked hopefully. Jason untangled himself. “You should call Scott and let him know you’re fine. He’s probably been worried.” Mouth hanging open in disbelief, David sat up with an incredulous look. Jason handed him a wad of tissues and started reaching for his clothes. “Yeah. Well, go ahead and call him – it’s not that late. I’ll catch you tomorrow.” “Dude!” David protested. 47

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“What?” “You’re just gonna leave?” “Uh. Yeah,” Jason said, shrugging his clothes on as fast as possible. “Early call, you know. I’ll see you at the bus stop at seven. I’m gonna take your truck home, okay?” David nodded in a daze, watching as Jason shoved his socks into his coat pocket and all but ran away. He finally closed his mouth as he heard the door slam. What the fuck had just happened? He wiped absently at the sticky mess drying on his belly, then gave up and padded to the bathroom to start the water for a shower. He didn’t think he’d ever felt more confused in his entire life.

THE last month had sucked, but sometimes things happen for a reason, his grandma always said. David had called Scott, and while they hadn’t exactly made up, they were at least cordial and would stay in touch. David was really damn sorry that his ex had HIV, but he still wasn’t entirely ready to forgive him for putting David’s life at risk too. Not just yet. He might be easygoing, but he wasn’t a pushover and he didn’t easily forgive being lied to. Or treated badly. Which pretty much brought his thoughts back to Jason. What the fuck had happened? One minute they were having pretty damn great sex and the next, Jason was fucking running away from him. Like it meant nothing. And David knew damn well he hadn’t been so drunk that he’d imagined those looks on Jason’s face; it had been more than just a random, casual hand-job. And all that cuddling the last few weeks? And the way Jay had taken care of him, been there for him? That was way beyond best-friend behavior too. David was beginning to think that maybe their friendship had been a bit beyond “just friends” for a quite a while. He’d just assumed 48

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it was somehow different because it was them and they were both freaks, but maybe it wasn’t that at all. Maybe it was because they were kind of, sort of, possibly in love with each other a little bit. And that meant that Jay running away before the spunk on David’s stomach had even cooled off was completely unacceptable. The next day’s scenes were all separate rehearsals. Aside from the morning ride over – where Jason had looked far more hung over and haggard than he had any right to look – and a mid-day break for food, they didn’t have any time together. And neither of those were even close to private enough for him to corner Jason and find out what was going on in that messed-up head of his. When Jason refused to come over at the end of the day for pizza and beer, giving some flimsy excuse, David started to get pissed. It wasn’t like he was exactly subtle about the invitation, but still. They were going to talk about this, whether Jason liked it or not. A walk with the dogs, dinner, and a couple of beers later, David reached for his phone. Jay had been a lot more forthcoming over the phone so far; maybe it was easier for him to open up that way, even if it sucked that David wouldn’t be able to see his facial expressions. Something was better than nothing, he thought with a shrug, and dialed Jason’s number. “I don’t wanna talk, Dave.” “Yeah, well, that’s too bad because I do,” David snorted. “I can’t believe you just ran out on me last night, dude. Not cool.” Jason sighed and mumbled a quiet apology. “Look, I get that you freaked, okay? It’s been a fucked up few weeks,” he sighed, trying to be patient. “And I appreciate that you went through it with me. You were great, Jay. Really.” He paused for a second and then forced himself to go on; they couldn’t avoid this forever. Not if they were going to stay buddies, at the very least. 49

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“I thought the sex part was pretty great, too. I, uh, I think I’d like to be more than friends,” he said, proud of himself that he’d only stuttered once. There was no reaction from the other end. David felt something in his chest sink a little. “If you don’t, that’s cool. I’m not like head-over-heels or anything,” he added in a rush, thinking that he wasn’t yet, anyway. He hoped. “But I would kinda like to give it a try.” Jason cleared his throat and there was another long silence, but David forced himself to stay quiet and let Jay get out the words that he was struggling with. Finally Jason mumbled, “I haven’t done this before.” “What?” “This... guy thing. Gay thing. With, you know, feelings and shit.” David tried really hard not to laugh with relief. “You’ve just had sex with dudes before, you mean? No relationships or crushes?” “Yeah. Mostly,” Jason said, and David could hear his voice start to relax a little. “Mostly?” he probed. “Maybe a few ‘crushes,’” his friend admitted, clearly hating the word. David got an evil grin on his face. “Do you have a crush on me?” The way Jason groaned, David could totally see him rolling his eyes in disgust. “You are such a dick.” “I’m a dick? You’re the one who ran out of here without even putting your socks on, after what I thought was fairly decent sex. If I were a girl, I’d have my big brother come beat you up.” “If you were a girl you’d never tell your big brother you’d given some guy a hand-job,” Jason pointed out. 50

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“Huh. Yeah, good point,” David agreed. “Unless maybe you were some kind of slut,” Jason teased. “Are you calling me a slut?” he asked in an offended voice, trying not to laugh. Jason was less courteous and made no effort to hold back his amusement. “Just because I touched your cock? Fine, see if I do it again.” “Aw, don’t be like that, sweetheart,” Jason scolded. “I’ll touch yours?” “Damn right you will. In fact, I think you should come over and do a fuck of a lot more than just jerk me off this time,” David teased. “What, tonight?” “Now. I want you,” David said, voice changing from flirty and teasing to lustful. To his delight, Jason made a little moaning sound in reply. “Let me get my coat,” he murmured in that low voice that David was learning meant his friend was turned on. “Be there in ten.” The click of the phone was their only good-bye and David hurried to tidy up the laundry on the floor, get out supplies, and change the sheets on the bed. He was just pushing the dogs into the back yard when Jason arrived. There was a moment of serious awkwardness once Jason was inside. Neither of them seemed to know whether they should go to the living room and talk, or watch TV and make out, or just lunge at each other right there in the entrance way and start going at it. “I brought your truck back,” Jason said, holding out the keys. David grinned, took them, and tossed them over his shoulder as he reached to pull Jason into a searing-hot kiss. Jason let out an “Oof” as he was pushed up against the wall. “Sorry. Gonna have to stop doing that to you,” David apologized. Jason quirked an eyebrow. “What if I like it?” 51

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The whimper David let out at that idea wasn’t really that embarrassing, he thought, and didn’t warrant quite so much laughter from Jason. So he pulled Jay’s hands up above his head and held them there, grinding their bodies together and kissing him until they were both hard and breathless. “Kinky games later,” Jason gasped, letting his head fall back against the wall. “Bedroom now.” David smiled. “I’ll hold you to that.” The journey down the hallway took a little longer than it should have, hindered by both of them stripping out of their clothes along the way. They mostly undressed themselves, though there were a few more breathless kisses, and a framed picture got knocked off the wall which they’d need to clean up later, before the dogs were let back inside. Much later, though. Like, half an hour at least. And that might be pushing it, frankly, as turned on as David was. Jason appeared to be just as worked up, shoving him down onto the bed and giving him a single deep kiss before kneeling on the rug between his knees. The intensity of his gaze made David’s breath catch. “I really want to suck you.” Mouth open, tongue wetting his lips, Jason wrapped a hand around the base of David’s cock and hovered, waiting for some sign of permission. That David just couldn’t give. The realization hit him like a bucket of cold water. “You’ve got to be kidding me; we just got tested!” Jason looked at him as if he was the village idiot. “Uh, yeah, exactly; we’re both clean...?” “No, Jay. They said I’d need to be tested again in another four years to be sure. Four years before I’ll know for absolute certain that I’m safe from the last risky sex I had.” He fumbled around with the box on the nightstand, getting out a condom. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jason said, sitting back on his heels. “Have you ever given a blowjob through a condom? Have you ever had a 52

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blowjob with a condom? Condoms and blowjobs do not fucking mix, man.” “Oh really?” David asked, stubborn streak making his voice a lot harder than he meant for it to sound. Jason held his gaze for a moment, meeting his challenge. It looked like they were at a stalemate until Jason surprised him by shaking his head and reaching for the packet. “Fine. What the fuck ever. If you want a blowjob through a condom, be my guest. It doesn’t feel as good and it tastes nasty. Which end of that equation do you want to be on?” he asked, irritated. There was a moment of silence while David thought about it. “Huh. Well, we’ll never know ‘til we try,” he said with a shrug. “I’ll do you,” he offered, hoping to placate his friend somewhat. Jason rolled his eyes. “Can’t think of when I was less excited about a blowjob,” he grumbled as they switched positions. David pretended he hadn’t heard him. He fumbled with the wrapper, mostly because he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jason’s cock, long and hard and proof that Jay was quite excited enough. He rolled the condom on quickly and got to work. Jason leaned back, bracing himself on his arms, watching as David slowly licked up the side of his cock, smirking as he wrinkled his nose a little in distaste. Jay closed his eyes with a sigh as David sucked his cock fully inside the warm wetness of his mouth, swirled his tongue around it once or twice, and started to bob up and down. Jason seemed to be enjoying it, although not as much as David had hoped. Or, would have hoped, since most of David’s attention was actually being taken up by his efforts not to gag. A few more slow slides up and down, then he gave up, gaining only one soft moan from Jason for his efforts. He sat back in defeat. “God, this is gross. I think my tongue is numb.” 53

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“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have bought the pre-lubed kind,” Jason offered. “Well, I didn’t know,” David huffed. He wrapped his hand around the base of Jason’s cock and tried again for a minute, sucking hard, before he quit. “I can’t do this; it tastes horrible. I want to taste you,” he sulked. He could see that Jason was making an effort to not say I told you so. What he said instead was, “Oh quit pouting. Here, I’ll try it on you,” as he grabbed another condom from the box. A moment later and they were repeating the same process. It was awful, which was all kinds of wrong because Jason’s mouth was on his cock and how could that be anything short of fantastic? David sighed and pushed Jay’s head away. How had something he’d wanted for long gotten so fucked up? “Just stop. I can hardly feel anything,” he sighed. Jason gave him a smug look. “Fine by me,” he said, crawling back onto the bed. “So what do you want to do?” “I don’t know!” David said, throwing his arm over his eyes and pouting. “I just want to get off.” He heard Jason make an irritated noise. “You’re going to have to figure this out, Dave.” David peeked at him from under his arm. “You’re willing to risk it?” he asked in a quiet voice. Jason’s hand took hold of his own and pulled his arm away from his face. Holding his gaze, Jason answered: “Yeah.” “But I’m the guy most likely to be positive. You’re more at risk here,” David pointed out. Jason shrugged. “It’s like riding a motorcycle, man. You try to be reasonable and take precautions, but I’m not gonna live my life avoiding everything that might have even an element of danger.” 54

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“Yeah?” “Yeah. I mean, I trust you.” The look in Jason’s eyes made something wiggly happen in David’s chest. Something scary but wonderful, that he didn’t want to name just yet. There was really only one way to deal with such a sappy feeling. “Aww! You’re just the sweetest thing!” he gushed with a big goofy grin. “Oh God, I hate you sometimes,” Jason groaned. David laughed and crawled on top of him, wrestling a bit as Jason struggled half-heartedly. Their naked bodies in intimate contact again brought the mood back, and David shifted, moving until his lips met Jason’s. This time their kisses were slow and deep, full of all the words they didn’t need to say, and far more eloquent. When they were forced to break for breath, David moved back far enough to see Jason’s face. Their eyes met for a long moment. David’s lips curved up a little as he nodded. “Okay then. Screw it – let’s just fuck.” “Atta boy,” Jason grinned back at him. “How do you wanna do this?” “Well, since your ass is still a cherry and all, and I don’t think I can stand to drag this out any longer than it’s already gone on...” he teased, “I want your dick up my ass, and I wanna ride you until you holler.” The change in Jason’s eyes was gratifying, going dark with lust in an instant. There was no hesitance as he reached for the bottle of lube and pressed it into David’s hands. “Gonna make me do it, you lazy bastard?” Jason’s lips curved into a slight smile. “I wanna watch you.”

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Somehow that was about a million times sexier than any reply David could have thought of and Goddamn, this man was so sexy he took David’s breath away sometimes. “The feeling’s definitely mutual,” Jason said, letting David know he was babbling out loud again. He couldn’t think of a comeback for that, especially not since his slick fingers were pressing into his hole, opening himself up. Jason’s hands were skating across his hips, his thighs, his abs, almost tickling but not quite. David wiggled in another finger, going too fast and it burned, but he didn’t want to wait and didn’t care. Without trying he grazed the spot inside that made him groan, head falling back as his eyes closed involuntarily. Jason made a noise in return, hands gripping hard, possibly leaving bruises as he fought for control. “Fuck, that’s hot. You about ready?” David let a slow smile spread across his face. Without a word he lifted up onto his knees, grabbed Jason’s cock, and sat down on it. It was a slow, smooth movement – controlled, but so inevitably right that it felt like something fierce. Like freedom, or Fate. And maybe David was being overly emotional about this, but it’d been a long time since he’d had a cock up his ass and this was Jason and it was so good. He slid all the way down, savoring every bit of the stretch and burn, letting himself adjust to the feeling of fullness. His eyes opened to see Jason, face tense, sweat making his skin glisten. “You okay?” he asked in a voice ragged with effort. “So much better than okay,” David moaned, leaning forward to brace his hands beside Jason’s shoulders. He lifted off in a slow glide, then settled back down, letting Jason thrust up, and sharing his appreciation with a low groan. In no time at all they were racing towards the finish, Jay’s hand wrapping around David’s cock, disposing of the forgotten condom, then stroking in the same rhythm that his hips jerked upward. When their thrusts started to get shallow and short, little snapping movements, Jason 56

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ran his hands up David’s chest, thumbing his nipples hard until he couldn’t take it anymore and pushed one back down to his cock. “Like that, don’t stop,” he begged, falling forward to mouth at Jason’s neck sloppily. So close, so fucking close, and all he needed was just a little more, he thought, desperate noises breaking free of his throat. “Come on, Dave, do it. Wanna feel you come for me. Come on my cock. Shoot your load all over my chest,” Jason growled. Yeah, that was it – with one last rock down, he was following Jason’s orders and shuddering through a momentous orgasm as Jason’s hand milked him dry. He heard rather than felt Jason come moments later, bellowing, “Fuck, yes, Dave,” in a way that made a bit more dribble out of David’s exhausted dick. They lay for a few moments, letting each other’s breathing smooth out, savoring the last tremors, until it started to get uncomfortable and sticky. “Shower?” Jason nodded, the movement brushing his stubble against David’s. They untangled, laughing a little at the mess they’d made of each other, eyes trading looks of affection that went unspoken. For now, anyway. There was no rush, no pressing need to say anything. The world looked a little different somehow, David mused while he adjusted the temperature as Jay dealt with the condoms. He climbed into the shower and let it wash away not only the sweat and spunk, but the last of the tension and horrific worry of the last few weeks. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to let the water stream over his face, and felt the air move as Jason joined him. He felt clean, reborn. Free of the drama, like it had been some hugely momentous life event. And it had been, for him. It had all worked out fine in the end, better than fine even, but it had been traumatic for him all the same. Like a car accident or something, where your life flashes before your eyes, leaving you shaking inside and out. “A near-death experience,” he mumbled aloud. 57

Near-Life Experience

Alix Bekins

Jason pressed up against him, planting a soft kiss on David’s lips. “Near-life.” “Yeah,” David grinned, wrapping his arms around his best friend and feeling happiness settle deep inside him, back where it belonged. “A near-life experience.”

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Near-Life Experience

Alix Bekins

Alix lives in the coastal mountains of Northern California with her partner and their dog. She’s been writing for as long as she can remember in a variety of genres, including fiction, erotica, poetry, and nonfiction and has even managed to get some of it published from time to time. Sexuality is the cornerstone of her life and work and always has been, through two degrees and several life plans. Her work and writing focus on the themes of self-discovery and coming out, with a healthy dose of kink on the side. Alix is pretty sure she’s the only person in the world who wears a plastic Viking helmet as a thinking cap when she battles Writer’s Block. She always wins.

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Near-Life Experience

Alix Bekins

Published by  Dreamspinner Press  4760 Preston Road  Suite 244‐149  Frisco, TX 75034  http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/    This  is  a  work  of  fiction.  Names,  characters,  places  and  incidents  either  are  the  product  of  the  author’s  imagination  or  are  used  fictitiously,  and  any  resemblance  to  actual  persons,  living  or  dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.    Near‐Life Experience  Copyright © 2008 by Alix Bekins    Cover Design by Mara McKennen    This book is licensed to the original purchaser only.  Duplication or distribution via any means is  illegal  and  a  violation  of  International  Copyright  Law,  subject  to  criminal  prosecution  and  upon  conviction,  fines  and/or  imprisonment.    This  eBook  cannot  be  legally  loaned  or  given  to  others.   No  part  of  this  eBook  can  be  shared  or  reproduced  without  the  express  permission  of  the  publisher.    To  request  permission  and  all  other  inquiries,  contact  Dreamspinner  Press  at:  4760  Preston Road, Suite 244‐149, Frisco, TX 75034  http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/    Released in the United States of America  September, 2008    eBook edition  eBook ISBN: 978‐1‐935192‐08‐4    

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