So You're 50: The Age You Never Thought You'd Reach

SO YOU’RE 50! Copyright © Mike Haskins and Clive Whichelow 2007 All rights reserved. Illustrations by Andy Hammond Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound by MS-Printing ISBN: 1-84024-563-8 ISBN 13: 978-1-84024-563-9

INTRODUCTION So you’ve done it! You’ve reached another of life’s milestones. You’ve reached the age you never thought you’d reach. And it isn’t even the first age you never thought you’d reach that you’ve reached. It’s probably something like the third or fourth of the things. You have reached more ages that you never thought you’d reach than you ever thought you’d reach. And here it is. The big one: 50. You are in your 50s! It’s a wonder the shock of it hasn’t killed you. Especially at your age. More to the point, how are you going to cope with the fact that from now on every time you 5

tell someone your age, they start whistling the theme tune from Hawaii Five-O? If, that is, they’re old enough to remember it. And you can’t argue with people who call you middle-aged any more. Oh yes, you tried to deny it throughout your decade as a giddy young 40-something. But in your 50s, you have no defence. You are definitely middleaged. And that’s if you plan living to 100. Thankfully, though, there’s this little volume to help you adjust to life in your sixth decade. Sit awhile, relax and ponder on the many rich mysteries with which life has presented you.

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Such as why, when you have spent the past twenty years spending every last hard-earned penny raising and educating your kids and when at every opportunity you have imparted your worldly wisdom and insights on life to them, have they grown up into people with whom you now have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever? Well, we can ponder these things, but there probably aren’t any answers.

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THE BASIC MYTHS ABOUT TURNING 50 50 is the new 40. It’s not.

You’ll be older and wiser – older and wider maybe.

You’ll possess a certain je ne sais quoi to the opposite sex – unfortunately quoi-ever it is they won’t like it.

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Saga holidays are the new 18 to 30 – no they’re not, but they do involve going on holiday with a bunch of people who look like they were born in 1830. 10

Soon your kids will have flown the coop – don’t fool yourself. Your kids are flying nowhere. Apart from off to Ibiza for a fortnight at your expense.

You’ll be free of your mortgage and free of your kids. You won’t be – in fact in a few years you’ll probably be paying your kids’ mortgage for them as well as your own.

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THINGS YOU WILL NEVER NOW DO

Learn to dance in a way that doesn’t embarrass your children 12

Be a Playboy/Playgirl centrefold – unless the criteria for the job changes drastically

Be Young Businessperson of the Year

Eat fatty food without a sense of guilt and dread

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Experiment with your sexuality to non-comic effect

Spend the night with the entire original lineup of Bananarama or Duran Duran (OK, as fantasies go it was always a bit unlikely)

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YOUR LIFE WILL NOW CONSIST OF… Pulling weeds out of your garden rather than trying to grow some weed in your bedroom Trying to get comfy rather than trying to get comfortably numb Looking forward to a night in instead of a night out Looking forward to a sit-down rather than a knees-up Lying in bed waiting to be woken up by your children rather than sneaking home after a night out at a drugs orgy 15

DRESS CODE FOR THE OVER 50s – SOME DO’S & DON’TS Don’t try to look younger by body piercing – it will just look like you had a really horrible accident while doing some DIY.

Do cover up your midriff or it will look like you’re carrying an airbag made of lard.

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Don’t even think about a thong – remember Peter Stringfellow?! 17

Do throw away that medallion – dressing like the Bee Gees somehow managed to be naff even when it was in fashion.

Don’t dress in a track suit and bling as you will now look less like a bad ass rapper and more like Jimmy Savile.

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Do cover up any curves you may have as by now they will probably be curving in the wrong direction.

Don’t wear flares – it doesn’t matter that they’ve come back, wearing them with your bacofoil-wrapped platforms is a dead giveaway.

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CULTURE CONVERTER When speaking with people younger than yourself it’s no use talking about things that happened before they were born, they won’t have a clue what you’re on about. So here is a handy culture converter to translate your cultural reference points to their equivalent:

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Category

Your Age

People Younger Than You But Who Are Scarily Classed as Middle-aged

Even Younger People

Indisputably Young People

Transport

Chopper bike

Skateboard

Roller blades

Hot-wired Ford Fiesta All-inone TV, computer, MP3, phone, camera etc.

Must-have electronic gadget

Calculator

Digital watch

Sony Walkman

Sweeties

Spangles

Opal Fruits

Skittles

Ecstasy

Fave DJ

Kenny Everett / Ed “Stewpot” Stewart

Dave Lee Travis

Bruno Brookes

Fabio and Grooverider

Means of communicating with friends

Tin cans with a piece of string between them

Invisible ink

CB radio

E-mail, mobile phones, text messages, MSN etc

Embarrassing teenage pop hero

Gary Glitter

Adam Ant

Shakin’ Stevens

Marilyn Manson

Public enemy number one

Hitler

Darth Vader

Osama Bin Laden

Gary Glitter

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WELL-KNOWN PEOPLE CURRENTLY IN THEIR 50s

I know you’re probably under the impression that the heroes of your youth have remained forever young while your body has crumbled into its current 50+ form. But in fact the following top names are all now in their 50s:

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John Lydon (Johnny Rotten), Barney Sumner and Peter Hook (from Joy Division/ New Order), Jerry Hall, Richard Branson, Billy Idol, Koo Stark (remember her?), Kim Cattrall, Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks, Daniel Day-Lewis, Rowan Atkinson, Bjorn Borg, Martina Navratilova, Carrie Fisher, Bo Derek, Geena Davis, John Travolta, Ron Howard, Patrick Swayze and by the end of 2007 even Donny Osmond and a good few of the Bay City Rollers could be booking their Saga holidays.

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TIPS ON HOW TO APPEAR YOUNGER THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE

Wear your baseball cap back to front. 24

Swap the car for a moped with an L-plate.

Learn to sit down without saying ‘Aah, that’s better’.

Buy CDs with ‘parental advisory’ stickers on.

Never walk fully upright.

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Hang around with people even older than you are (e.g. if possible join the Rolling Stones).

Do not wear your glasses on a little necklace round your neck – not only do they make you look ancient, they tell the world that you are so absent-minded you will forget in an instant where you’ve left your glasses.

Smooth out any facial wrinkles and bags by only letting people see you close up while you are standing on your head. Or for the ladies, go out without your bra and the weight may also pull out any facial wrinkles. 26

GIVEAWAYS THAT WILL TELL PEOPLE YOU ARE OVER 50 Always talking about the temperature in Fahrenheit Telling people your first wage was £10 a week Saying you don’t understand the latest TV comedy sketch show Suddenly deciding to wear magnetic copper bracelets on all your joints Referring to people in their 40s as ‘wet behind the ears’ Insisting on paying in shops by cheque 27

A GUIDE TO HOW OTHERS WILL NOW PERCEIVE YOU

A reactionary old git 28

Someone who is now unemployable A muggee (as opposed to a mugger) Someone who knows nothing about computers A health insurance risk In need of plastic surgery Someone whose opinion is not even sought by high street canvassers A potential threat to children Someone who is eager to purchase double glazing at least three times a day Badly dressed 29

NAMES YOU CAN NOW EXPECT TO BE CALLED ON A REGULAR BASIS Leather-features Mr or Mrs Wrinkles Gandalf the Grey Next patient

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THE MAIN EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE YOU CAN NOW LOOK FORWARD TO Your children leaving home

Being offered early retirement – shortly before being sacked and replaced by an inexpensive new computer program

Welcoming your children back home after things didn’t work out for them

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A second honeymoon – and being able to get out to see the sights this time

Saving money on your central heating as a result of having hot flushes

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Having a beautiful set of white teeth which are not only all new but removable for easy cleaning 33

THE MAIN EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE IT’S LESS EASY TO LOOK FORWARD TO Becoming a grandparent before you’re mentally attuned to the idea

Losing brain cells – then again if you lose enough, you won’t notice

The first time you get out of breath running up the stairs 34

The Bay City Rollers getting back together again

Having progressively less hair to comb and more face to wash

Anything ending in ‘ectomy’

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CONVERSING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (PART 1) What you say and what they hear

‘How are you getting on at university?’ = ‘Are you on drugs?’

‘Have you got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?’ = ‘Are you gay?’

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‘We didn’t use to bother with sell-by dates in my day.’ = ‘Scrape the mould off the bread and stop whinging.’

‘When I was younger we used to have to make our own entertainment.’ = ‘I have no social life now and never have.’

‘In my day you could have a wonderful night out and still have change from ten bob.’ = ‘I am an old skinflint now and always have been.’ 37

STATISTICALLY SPEAKING OK. Now the bad news.

If you’re exactly 50 years old this means you have been alive for 18,262 days.

50 years is also 438,288 hours, 26,297,280 minutes or 1,577,836,800 seconds.

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If anyone asks, it might be best to give your age in days. Having lived 18,262 days doesn’t sound quite so bad does it, you young whippersnapper?

Giving your age in seconds will, however, be less flattering. Telling people you have lived for a period of well over one and a half billion anythings is probably going to make you sound quite old.

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The other problem with giving your age in seconds is that it’s quite difficult to fit this number into the space allowed on any forms you have to fill in.

At an average heart rate of 72 beats a minute throughout your 50 years, your heart has now beaten around 1,893,404,160 times. So no wonder you feel tired.

And OK, probably around half a billion of those beats happened when you were running round the house trying to find your passport before going on holiday last year. 40

Taking twelve breaths per minute means you have breathed 315,567,360 times and at an average of 0.5 litres of air per breath this means 157,783,680 litres of the air currently in the earth’s atmosphere have been inside you at some point. So I hope you’ve been using breath freshener.

Add to that the 5.4 tonnes of carbon dioxide you’re producing each year ferrying your kids to and from various locations and of course the average 4.5 litres of flatulence that you’re kindly sharing with the rest of us every single day of your life (that’s 82,179 litres to date of your bottom burps floating round somewhere). 41

I hate to say it but I’m beginning to think the world’s environmental problems might be solved at a stroke if we just get rid of you! You know when a piece comes on the news showing a great cloud of smog hanging over Tokyo or some such place? That could all be from you. Heaven help them if it’s the cloud made up of your life’s work of 82,179 litres.

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PEOPLE WHO ACHIEVED GREAT THINGS AFTER THEY WERE 50 Margaret Thatcher didn’t become PM until she was 53 (ten years older than Mr Blair).

Paul McCartney wasn’t knighted until he was 54 – mind you he did have the MBE by the age of 23.

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Mary Wesley didn’t have her first book published until she was 57.

Charlie Chaplin had to wait until he was 51 for his first Oscar nomination (his honorary one when he was 40 doesn’t count, trivia buffs!).

British inventor Joseph Swan was 50 when he first demonstrated his British-patented light bulb – though most remember the similar achievements of some American whippersnapper called Edison who patented it first. 44

NOW YOU’RE 50 THE FOLLOWING WILL BE YOUR NATURAL ENEMIES Patronising sales assistants in clothes shops Bathroom scales The people who make it impossible to open plastic bottle tops The people who write instruction manuals for new-fangled electrical items and self-assembly furniture

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A LIST OF CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS YOU WILL NOW BE EXPECTED TO HOLD

‘Not only does capital punishment have a lot going for it, it should be introduced for all motoring offences.’ 46

‘They should do medical testing on prisoners – not that there will be any prisoners once I get capital punishment reintroduced.’

‘There is no such thing as society – at least not where I live, there isn’t.’

‘Being unemployed should be against the law – and therefore subject to capital punishment.’

‘There have been no decent records made since 1979.’ 47

CONVERSING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (PART 2) What they say and what you hear

‘Is it all right if I stay over with a friend tonight?’ = ‘I am going to an orgy.’

‘I’m moving out and getting a place of my own.’ = ‘I’ll be back Saturday.’

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‘I know I’ve been out with a few people, but I think this latest one really is the one.’ = ‘I have finally lost all judgement when it comes to the opposite sex.’

‘I’m thinking of getting married.’ = ‘There’s a baby on the way.’

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THINGS YOU CAN NOW GET AWAY WITH THAT YOU COULDN’T PREVIOUSLY Wearing clip-on sun specs Reading Agatha Christie in public Completely ignoring people selling The Big Issue Admitting to yourself, now you think about it, you are and have always been a right-wing reactionary who deep down doesn’t actually like anybody that much Being obsessed with gardening 50

Buying £3 supermarket jeans – and maybe even wearing them 51

THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE ACHIEVED BY NOW

Being able to walk along the pavement without dodging the cracks 52

Being able to talk to your bank manager as an equal Being able to tell the difference between when you’ve got indigestion and when you’re having a heart attack Being able to sustain the same hairstyle you’ve had for the past thirty years regardless of prevailing fashion and/or how much hair you have left Being able to instantly convert any given price into its pre-decimalisation equivalent

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THINGS YOU ARE NOW LIKELY TO HAVE IN YOUR HOME A Neighbourhood Watch sticker in your window

A full tea-service without cracks or chips and matching cutlery

A smoke alarm that actually works – particularly when you make toast

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A box in the attic full of pictures painted by your children when they were young and nice

Proper framed pictures (posters don’t count!)

A shelf full of diet books – spines un-bent

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Amusing lights and other large decorations to put on the outside of your house each Christmas

A garage full of exercise equipment (as new)

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THINGS THAT YOU WILL TAKE A SUDDEN INTEREST IN

Other peoples’ operations 57

The weather Pension annuity levels Newspaper articles on heart attack warning signs Finding grammatical errors in newspapers, adverts, etc. Celebrities who are the same age as you while looking 20 years younger Sex – but now more for the exercise benefits than anything else

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CONVERSING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (PART 3) Words of wisdom you are now entitled to share with your juniors

‘I learned to add up without a calculator.’

‘We had better TV programmes when there were only two channels.’

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‘All today’s bands are just doing what my favourite bands did in the sixties.’

‘It’s never too early to start saving for your pension.’

‘A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.’

‘By the time I was your age I was working six days a week.’ 60

THINGS YOU’LL FEEL SMUG ABOUT

Being better at grammar than a 20 year-old with an English degree 61

Having a completely unblemished no-claims-bonus record Going up the stairs rather than taking the lift The neatness of your front garden The number of supermarket club-card points you currently hold

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HOORAY! THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN

Explain how babies are made 63

Read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt or The Very Hungry Caterpillar to your kids Get your kids’ newest electronic gadgets working for them Change a nappy – until the grandchildren arrive that is Learn anything the hard way Be treated as nothing more than a sex object

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BOO! THINGS YOU WON’T BE DOING AGAIN Having a wide choice of hairstyles Having a cast-iron, guilt-free excuse to read Harry Potter Painting a white stripe down the side of your Ford Cortina to make yourself look like Starsky and Hutch Being asked to turn the noise down Seriously considering tongue-piercing Being treated as nothing more than a sex object 65

SHATTERING MOMENTS TO COME SOON

Your first pair of bifocals

When you wake up with a terrible hangover and remember you didn’t have a drink the night before

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Walking down the high street seeing an individual who is clearly mutton dressed as lamb only to then realise it’s your own reflection in a shop window

Realising if you’re now given a life prison sentence, it might actually mean life

Realising Johnny Rotten is now celebrating thirty years in show business

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THINGS TO EXPECT FOR YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY A subscription to a gardening magazine A tin of biscuits in a little pack with a small jar of strawberry jam Enough socks to last you the rest of your life Some very cruel birthday cards Some kind of crude sex toy given to you ironically

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A specially arranged surprise reunion with people you hoped never to see again 69

EXPRESSIONS THAT WILL DATE YOU Groovy Dolly bird Hi-fi Disco Boutique I’m free! You’ll like this. Not a lot, but you’ll like it…

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Any references to Ronald Reagan, Mrs Thatcher, Skodas not being very good cars, Michael Jackson as being black, Jonathan King being a pop star rather than a criminal or any jokes that involve you having to adopt an Irish accent at some point

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GADGETS THAT ONLY THE OVER 50s WILL REMEMBER Stylophones Dansette autochange record players Bubble cars Televisions with wooden doors to open and close across the screen Anything made by K-Tel or Ronco

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BEING 50 IS…

…being too old for a trendy haircut but too young for a hairpiece. 73

… being too old to be an angry young man but too young to be a dirty old man.

… being too old for basketball but too young for bowls.

… being too old for cruising but too young for a cruise.

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… being too old to live dangerously but too young for sheltered accommodation.

… being too old to be upwardly mobile but too young for a mobility aid.

… being too old for sex but too young to be a sexagenarian.

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THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT NOW HAVE IN YOUR HOME A home-made hubbly bubbly pipe That Che Guevara poster A pair of loon pants A picture of a tennis player scratching her bottom A Raleigh Chopper as your principal means of transportation Hotel towels A CD collection consisting of nothing but magazine freebies 76

AARGHH! THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN If you want a head rush all you have to do is stand up too quickly.

Your ‘comfort-fit’ jeans are too tight.

You fancy afternoon TV presenters.

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One of your friends becomes a grandparent.

If you are a man you can at last see a pair of beautifully developed naked breasts any time you want – unfortunately they’re yours.

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YOUR NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE Your idea of a dirty weekend is clearing out the garden shed.

Your idea of a wild night is not going to bed straight after the Ten O’clock News.

Your idea of a rave party is when your guests are highly complimentary about the nibbles you’ve laid out.

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Your idea of a sensual massage is provided by one of those big vibrating blue sock things you stick your feet in and plug into the mains. 80

YOUR NEW WEEKLY HIGHLIGHTS Being cold-called by the one person in the universe who still values your opinion

Having a chat with the milkman

Your appointment with your chiropodist, chiropractor, irritable bowel specialist etc

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For ladies the weekly exercise work-out in the church hall, for men walking past and peering through the window of the church hall while the ladies’ weekly exercise work-out is in full swing 82

Redeeming your club-card points

Spying through the net curtains on your neighbours

The local newspaper printing your latest letter complaining about something

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THINGS YOU WILL DESPERATELY TRY TO AVOID Ovaltine Long-johns Looking in the mirror – especially with your glasses on Breathing out while being observed in a state of undress For men the comb over, for the ladies expandable waist trousers

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Viagra (in public at least) 85

THOSE WERE THE DAYS! NOSTALGIA FOR THE OVER 50s When Monopoly only came in one version – obviously this resulted in it being investigated by the Monopolies Commission

When ‘trannie’ meant a small portable radio

When a joint was what you had for Sunday lunch

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When the only local drug dealer was Boots the Chemist

When they used to have to build on the green belt because that was all there was

When a fag was something you smoked

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THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE IN YOUR CAR

‘Baby on board’ sticker – you’re fooling no one! 88

Tinted windows – for boy racers only

Crumbs from every snack your family has eaten in the car since you bought it – get the mini-vac out!

A Playboy Bunny sticker – you’ll only embarrass your children

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A covering of hair over the back seat courtesy of a family pet who passed away several years ago – are you getting that mini-vac or what?

A tin of sweets and a box of tissues – you’re not quite that old yet

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THINGS YOU WON’T BE DOING ON HOLIDAY ANY MORE Making any effort whatsoever to speak the local language Checking out the night-clubs Having a run-in with the local police Getting chatted up by the waiter/waitress Hiring a moped without a crash helmet Running out of money on day three

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REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL You’re still much younger than Harrison Ford or Glenn Close

People will no longer regard you as a hypochondriac

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

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You’re now old enough to have a toy boy/girl 93

Your joints now tell the weather more accurately than the Met Office

At 50 you should be due half of a telegram from the queen (perhaps a postcard from Princess Anne is in order)

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