From Strength to Strength: A Manual for Professionals Who Facilitate Diverse Parent Groups

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From

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Pat Jewell & Prue Blackmore

ACER Press

Disclaimer: Some images in the printed version of this book are not available for inclusion in the eBook.

First published 2004 by ACER Press Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell, Victoria, 3124 Copyright © Pat Jewell, Prue Blackmore 2004 All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers. Edited by Renée Otmar, Otmar Miller Consultancy Pty Ltd Cover and text design by Polar Design Pty Ltd Printed by BPA Print Group.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Jewell, Pat. From strength to strength : a manual for professionals who facilitate diverse parent groups. Bibliography. ISBN 0 86431 531 7. 1. Self-help groups - Management - Handbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Parenting - Study and teaching. 3. Family life education. I. Blackmore, Prue. II. Title. 361.40715

Visit our website: www.acerpress.com.au

Foreword Each life is a leaf on the tree of humanity, each leaf contributing to the tree by converting light into energy. In its turn the tree, through its roots in the earth, sustains each leaf. When it is time for the leaf to fall, it nourishes the soil from which the roots of the tree draw their strength. The parent-child relationship is at the heart of the process of generativity, the vital link in the intergenerational chain. We are shaped but not determined by our parents, and we in turn, shape but do not determine our children. How we as parents nurture our children is of fundamental importance but there are other influences at work, ranging from the unique genetic predisposition of each individual through to the spirit of the age in which we live. Today in many societies there is a crisis of confidence in relation to parenthood. Being a mother or a father is devalued as individuals are increasingly defined by occupational status and materialistic markers. Some parents are torn between the demands of the workplace and their children. Children need to spend time with those who love them. Other parents have no workplace – one in seven Australian children now lives in a household in which there is no adult employed in the workforce and there is a deep despair in the lives of many of these parents. Children need to be nurtured in hope. The emergence over the past century of the notion of the child as a psychological being has created an expectation of the perfect parent, and inhibited some parents from setting clear and consistent limits. Paradoxically, many ‘parent education’ courses or what sometimes seem to be ‘parenting propaganda courses’ have eroded parental confidence even further. It is wonderful to come across an approach to enhancing the abilities of parents that is based on their strengths, not their weaknesses, and which recognises that families come in all shapes and sizes. It is very unusual to find an inclusive approach which tries to address the needs of all parents, including those who are living in prison or struggling with mental health or substance dependence problems. Pat Jewell and Prue Blackmore have worked with parents from all backgrounds and there is a special warmth and wisdom to what they have to say about facilitating parent groups. Last but not least, they remind us that strong families need strong communities.We have all become familiar with the African proverb that says it takes a village to raise a child, but it is now time for us all to ask ‘and what does each of us have to do to rebuild the village?’. Across Australia parents are being connected with one another to rebuild a village for their children and for themselves – in new parent groups facilitated by maternal and child health nurses, in playgroups facilitated by early childhood educators, and in groups for parents who want to come together and explore how they might build on their strengths in doing what will always be the most important job in our lives – nurturing a new leaf on the tree of humanity. Associate Professor Dorothy Scott, OAM Head, School of Social Work University of Melbourne

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The Diversity Creed I believe that diversity is a part of the natural order of things—as natural as the trillion shapes and shades of the flowers of spring or the leaves of autumn. I believe that diversity brings new solutions to an ever-changing environment, and that sameness in not only uninteresting but limiting. To deny diversity is to deny life—with all its richness and many opportunities. Thus, I affirm my citizenship in a world of diversity and with it the responsibility to … • Be tolerant. Live and let live. Understand that those who cause no harm should not be feared, ridiculed, or harmed—even if they are different. • Look for the best in others. • Be just in my dealings with poor and rich, weak and strong and whenever possible to defend the young, the old, the frail and the defenseless. • Avoid needless conflicts and diversions, but be always willing to change for the better that which can be changed. • Seek knowledge in order to know what can be changed, as well as what cannot be changed. • Forge alliances with others who love liberty and justice. • Be kind, remembering how fragile the human spirit is. • Live the examined life, subjecting my motives and actions to the scrutiny of mind and heart so to rise above prejudice and hatred. • Care. by Gene Griessman © 1993 [www.theamericans.us]

We have included The Diversity Creed because it is about embracing and acknowledging the many different pathways parents can take. This manual acknowledges diversity and provides facilitators with a practical and flexible ‘mix and match’ resource with which to enhance the capacity of parents. Prue and Pat

Acknowledgements We would like to thank all the parents we have been privileged to meet and learn from over the past twenty years. Their trust in us, their openness in sharing their hopes, dreams and issues has provided us with many humbling and enriching experiences. Even in stressful circumstances, parents have shown determination and strength in their dreams for their children. We have learned that all parents everywhere have one thing in common: they all want the best for their children. Many friends and colleagues have been involved with this project, and we thank them: Jo Goldsworthy, who first approached us with the idea to write the manual and whose patience was tested as many deadlines came and went. Constance Jenkin, whose professional contribution to the parenting field has been a guiding light for many—particularly the group-process framework, as developed in her manual Planning Happy Families: A kit for leaders (1988, C.A. Jenkin) which we have referred to throughout this manual. Melinda Moore, for her creative genius in naming the manual. Professionals with expertise in specific fields who were asked to review the specialist modules; we thank them for their time, comments and contributions: Georgina Aldersea, Carolyn Corran, Catharine Hydon, Steve Martin, Julian McNally, Vicki Ross, Marina Stammers, Anne Stringer, Carol Taylor, Cathie Valentine and Bobby Yates.

Contents Glossary

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SECTION 1: How to use this manual Introduction Social change—its impact on parents and parenting Steps to establishing a parent group

1 3 10

SECTION 2: Background information for core modules

3

Preparation and background information Child development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing

29 31 35 37 39

SECTION 3: Session content for core modules 0–5 years Child development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing

43 43 47 50 53

6–10 years Child development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing

57 57 61 64 67

11–14 years Child development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing

70 70 73 76 80

15–18 years Adolescent development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing

83 83 86 89 92

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SECTION 4: Additional and optional topics

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Introduction Bullying Homework Loss and grief Siblings Transition stages

97 98 101 104 109 112

SECTION 5: Specialist modules Introduction Preparation for specialist parent groups

115 119

Parents with similar backgrounds or issues Adolescent parents Indigenous Australian parents Parenting grandchildren Parenting in a step- or blended family Parents from culturally and linguistically diverse communities Parents with children with additional needs Caring for children in out-of-home care Sole parents

125 129 133 137 141 146 152 156

Parents in crisis situations Parenting after violence in the home Parents in prison or on remand Parents involved with statutory child welfare services Parents with an intellectual disability Parents with a mental illness Parents with substance-abuse issues

159 163 167 171 178 181

Glossary Active listening Can assist people in learning how to listen and can help the speaker to feel supported and empowered in their problem solving (for full description see page 38). Adult learning principles Throughout the manual we use adult learning principles as a framework for working with adults in a respectful manner (for full description see page 13). Brainstorming Uses parents’ own knowledge and ideas to generate solutions for issues that arise in the group. All solutions need to focus on enhancing and strengthening the relationship between parents and children (explained in the context of pressing issues on page 15). There is an issue or a topic to discuss. All parents are asked to think of ideas, thoughts or solutions. The facilitator’s role is to listen, lead discussion and keep a positive, strength-based focus. Parents only contribute if they want to; all contributions are acknowledged by the facilitator and reframed in the positive if necessary. Parents take away what they need from the suggestions and discussions. Positive reframing Parents often enter a parenting group with a focus on the negative, ‘what isn’t working’ issues they are experiencing with their children. When a parenting group focuses only on what is going wrong, this is described as a ‘deficit model’ (see page 7). This manual works from a strength-based model, which uses positive reframing as one of its tools. Positive reframing is the rephrasing of negative, unhelpful comments or suggestions into positive and helpful language. For example, a parent may feel that she or he spends all day saying “no” and being cross with the children. The parent feels upset and negative about his or her ability to parent. The facilitator acknowledges that all parents feel like this sometimes and then reflects with the parent on what she or he did well through the day. This reframing helps the parent to feel more positive about his or her parenting, and to put the negative times into perspective. Parenting adolescents can be a stressful time for parents who feel ‘attacked’ and ‘put down’ by their adolescent.The facilitator can reassure parents that the adolescent’s behaviour is a normal developmental stage. The group can then work on ways of understanding adolescents and supporting them through this stage. Pressing issues This process is used to invite issues (that are concerning one parent) to be shared and worked through in the group within a contained time frame. This enables the parent with the issue to feel listened to and supported, and encourages parents to contribute their ideas and solutions (for full discussion see pages 15–16 and handout on page 25). Questions—closed and open-ended Closed questions are those that require a one-word answer; for example, when a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response is required. Open-ended questions allow and encourage the respondent to share as much as she or he wishes to (see examples on pages 18–19). Often, parents want a lot of information from their child but ask a closed question instead of an open-ended one. For example, when the child returns from school the parent asks,

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“Did you learn anything today?”. This only invites the child to respond with “yes” or “no”, while in fact the parent was hoping for much more information. In this example, an openended question to the child could be, “What was the best thing that happened to you at school today?”. This then invites more communication between the parent and the child. Role plays Role plays involve experiential learning. Parents take on roles (other than their own) and act out situations and scenarios. The role-playing process allows parents to experience how situations may be seen from a different point of view, which may then generate some alternative solutions. The facilitator needs to be sure to use only volunteers and to ensure, at the end of the role play, that parents are carefully taken out of their role by clearly stating who they are and one way in which they differ from the character they portrayed in the role play. Sometimes, a role-play situation arises spontaneously from the group and is treated as such. Other role plays may come with a script that volunteers act out. Both need to include time for ‘debriefing’, as explained above. Self care It is our belief that in order to parent children in a way that is nurturing, loving, teaching and guiding, the parent/carer first has to take care of her or himself. There are many activities throughout this manual which encourage parents to take care of themselves. Solution focus This manual guides facilitators to approach issues and situations that parents bring up in the group by looking for solutions, rather than focusing on problems.This process does not minimise the problem but assists parents in thinking of solutions themselves by working from a strength-based perspective (see page 7). Strength-based approach A strength-based approach to working with parents aims to strengthen relationships between parents and children, and to build on the strengths and skills that parents already have. Every parent has strengths, but some parents tend to focus primarily on their deficits. A strength-based approach starts with the positive—what exists—rather than assuming a negative perspective that focuses on what is missing (for a full discussion, see pages 7 and 30). Time out When parents move away from a potentially volatile situation with a child. This shows the parent taking control of her or his own behaviour and emotions and provides a good role model for the child (for a full discussion see page 36, or see www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html Trauma In this manual, trauma is described as the emotional impact of an unforeseen or unexpected event over which people have no control. Common reactions to trauma can have an effect on the emotional, physical and intellectual wellbeing of the person, and may cause changes in children’s behaviour. Trauma is therefore not defined in a medical sense; for a reference, see www.headroom.net.au/family/parents_trauma.html Win–win situation This occurs when all parties are prepared to give and take, compromise and listen to other points of view, in order that everyone feels satisfied with the outcome. Everyone involved needs to be able to envisage the end result and be able to take responsibility for what she or he can sacrifice or compromise to reach the win–win outcome.

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Section

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How to use this manual Introduction

1

Social change—its impact on parents and parenting

3

The professionalisation of parent education in Australia

4

A strength-based approach to parenting

7

Community building in parenting

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References

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Resources

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Steps to establishing a parent group

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Preparation

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Facilitation of the group

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Parent group aims and objectives

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Adult learning principles

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Session outlines

14

First session for all core modules

17

Stages of group development

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Group participants

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Evaluation of the group

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References

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Resources

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Handouts

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Introduction Parents seek support with their parenting by attending parent groups for a wide range of reasons. The continuum starts with the ‘worried well’; those parents who are well resourced (socially, emotionally and financially) and who often have a formal education and children who fit within the ‘normal’ range of development and behaviour. For these parents, a parent group can enable them to strengthen their parenting approaches and ideas. A parent group can increase parental confidence by normalising children’s behaviour and parents’ feelings about the behaviour. At the other end of the continuum are those parents who are struggling with one or more major, chronic long-term issues such as homelessness (or lack of stable, long-term housing), financial insecurity and mental illness or substance abuse. For these parents, various services and supports are most often involved with one or more family members. Such services and supports can be episodic, not always voluntary and often uncoordinated in their approach to service delivery and the type of intervention received. Many parents attending a parent group fall somewhere in between these two extremes, with support often required mostly at critical transition or change stages in the family life cycle: baby to toddlerhood, starting school and the challenges of adolescence, for example. All parents and families wish the best for their children and want to see them grow into fine adults. All parents have strengths in their parenting and can find creative solutions for most parenting issues they encounter. This manual is full of information and ideas to resource facilitators working to assist parents in building on their existing strengths and adding to their creative solutions. From Strength to Strength is designed for facilitators of parent groups who are (or who want to be) working with a wide and varied range of parents in group work situations. The manual is structured so that facilitators can design their own parenting groups according to the needs of participants. Four core module chapters are included to ensure that the most commonly requested topics by parents are covered, these being: Child development Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing Children grow and develop rapidly from newly born to the time at which they achieve adulthood—the age of eighteen. Within these eighteen years are distinct developmental periods that can be grouped together. The core modules listed above are also structured to match children’s developmental stages: 0 to 5 years—baby, toddler and pre-schooler 5 to 10 years—primary school years 11 to 15 years—onset of puberty and early adolescence 15 to 18 years—middle to late adolescence It is not necessary for facilitators to cover all four of these core modules in the course of a parent group. From a strength-based perspective, and utilising principles of adult learning, group participants (the parents) should always inform the content of the group sessions, the

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topics covered and the order of their focus. A series of additional or optional topics which may be identified by parents are also included for use if nominated by parents.The additional topics covered are: Bullying Homework Loss and grief Siblings Transition stages This manual has been designed to assist in resourcing facilitators to meet the diverse needs of parents in the twenty-first century. For facilitators wanting to offer a parent group for parents with specific or specialised needs, this manual includes fourteen specialist modules. The specialised modules all include ‘before you begin’ information for facilitators to consider prior to facilitating a parent group. In addition, the specialised modules include a detailed ‘first session’ which facilitators can use as a guide for the commencement of the parent group. Resources have been included at the end of each core module and following all of the specialised modules and additional topics. These resources are generally readily available in libraries and bookshops that specialise in the human services. These resources do not comprise a comprehensive list for each of the modules and topics; resources are constantly being created and made available, and it is expected that facilitators keep up to date to ensure they are able to meet the needs of each parent group. Interactive resources have also been cited throughout the manual as invaluable tools for use in parent groups. In particular, St. Luke’s Innovative Resources are often mentioned because they are designed to help you focus on strength-based activities. For example, St. Luke’s Strength Cards, which consist of a set of postcard-sized cards, are illustrated with animated cats and dogs and have an adjective printed in large letters at the bottom of each card. These adjectives all relate to positive characteristics, and can be used in numerous ways in a parent group; for example, the facilitator might spread out the Strength Cards on the floor and ask each parent to choose two strengths that describe her or him as a parent, or the facilitator could ask each parent to choose a strength he or she would like to develop as a parent and a strength that one of her or his children has, and so on. Similarly, the Photolanguage set can be used to help evoke participants’ thoughts and emotions. Photolanguage consists of a set of black and white photographs depicting a wide range of scenes and situations. Parents might be asked to choose photos that remind them of their childhood experiences, or photos that relate to how they feel right now. When using the interactive resources, ensure that all parents have a choice about participating in the exercises, and that the group hears contributions that are framed in a positive manner. All of the core modules, additional topics and specialised modules are written in a way that enables facilitators to ‘mix and match’. Parent groups may be individually designed and delivered according to the needs and requests of the parents in that particular group. No two groups will ever be designed or delivered in the same way, making each group a unique experience.

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change—its impact Social on parents and parenting Traditionally, parents learned their parenting skills by observing and experiencing their own parents, extended families, friends and communities. Family groupings were fairly similar within communities, and parenting ideas and styles comparable. Values such as respect and courtesy were commonplace, and expected behaviours for both adults and children were clearcut, constant and known. In the post-war decades of the 1950s and 1960s, with the expansion of the manufacturing, retail and service industries, families and communities were separated as adults moved out of the family home to go to work. More families lived in closer proximity to their workplaces than to extended family and friendship networks. Family functioning underwent enormous changes, with the nuclear family becoming the most common family unit. Changes in the cultural transmission of parenting skills today are the result of both psychological and geographical shifts from the family of origin to the family of procreation. Combined with the reduction of connectedness and involvement with extended family and the community, there have been many other changes impacting on family, community and societal structures. The changing role of women in the community has resulted in many mothers participating actively in full- or part-time employment outside the home, leaving dependent children to be cared for in a range of settings. This is in direct contrast to earlier decades in which the family unit comprised a male breadwinner and a female homemaker/housewife. The rising divorce rate in Australia today (currently one in three marriages breaks down) means that many children are being raised in non-nuclear, single-parent, blended or stepfamilies. Today’s parents are questioning many of the values, attitudes and beliefs that their parents imparted to them while growing up. The human rights movement has encouraged children to adapt to the changing culture in which they are growing up. Parenting approaches that were applied a generation ago do not necessarily apply to children today, or are no longer relevant. Children growing up in Westernised countries are less submissive and more confident, questioning and challenging of their parents than were previous generations. The explosion in the information technology sector has had a profound effect on the way we communicate. The Internet as a gateway to the world wide web and mobile telephone use have become affordable, acceptable and indeed, indispensable tools for most Australian families. Mary Pipher, in her book The Shelter of Each Other—Rebuilding our families (1996), describes today’s electronic culture as ‘deconstructing’ childhood. Children have as much information about the world as their parents do and, as a result, parents are losing that role of “having knowledge that children do not know and have access to” (Pipher 1996). Pipher attributes the selfishness that is seen in today’s children in part to advertising. Advertisements which target children focus on their egocentricity, telling children what they need and deserve, and encouraging them to ask for or demand it. These consumer messages are powerful and cause disruption to the values some parents are attempting to teach within their families of caring for others and sharing. Children cannot be blamed for their behaviour when they are mimicking the world around them. Many adults are worried about the world in which we live and would like it to be different. The family, however, in its many different forms, is still acknowledged as the best institution in which to raise children. act mp ts i nting i e — p a re ang l ch and ocia arents 3 S 1 on p tion c e S

Increasingly, parents have been looking outside their family of origin for support, direction, skills and strategies needed for raising children. As attitudes and values change, today’s parents are finding that the information and support traditionally received from their family of origin does not meet the needs of their family today.

The professionalisation of parent education in Australia The twentieth century saw the emergence and growth of a range of professions to inform, investigate and advise parents in their roles as caregivers of babies and children. As women increasingly left the home to participate in paid work, professionals such as psychologists, doctors, teachers and social workers variously attempted to make ‘scientific’ the study of child development, both physical and psychological. These professionals replaced the traditional role of family, friends and the church in parent education and childcare.This process set up a divide between professionals and parents that disempowered and devalued parents, causing them to be unsure and uncertain about their role as parent. Psychology as a science and as a profession first emerged in the middle of last century. Freud’s psychoanalytic theories revolutionised the ways in which people saw themselves, and had a huge impact in medical circles. Freud identified the unconscious as apart from the conscious and described behaviour in dynamic and goal-directed terms. Freud opened up previously non-existent ways of viewing behaviour, especially in terms of unconscious motivation. This created major societal interest about what was emotionally, socially and developmentally ‘normal’. Freud’s psychoanalytical theories gave rise to Adlerian psychology, which provided a basis for the first packaged parenting programs. These were the popular and widespread STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) and PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) parent education programs developed in the 1960s and 1970s.These programs were highly structured and based on therapeutic models of intervention. Parents attended a parent group in order to learn from ‘experts’. By virtue of their structure and content, STEP and PET were most relevant to middle-class, formally educated parents. STEP and PET had sound psychological principles, and they introduced the concept of parents applying consequences for children’s unwanted behaviours, rather than unrelated punishments. Over time, however, it has become apparent that both the STEP and PET programs had limitations in their orientation and their rigid adherence to particular strategies.

The evolution of formal parent education In 1980, at the beginning of what can be identified as the contemporary parent education movement, Fine (1980) defined parent education as “a systematic and conceptually based program, intended to impart information, awareness, or skills to the participants on aspects of parenting”. In response to a perceived need for parent education and support, parent education programs with varying degrees of structure and content were developed from the 1980s by professional practitioners for parents in the general community. Parents today utilise a range of resources, including parent education group programs, books, newspaper columns, television programs, lectures and forums, to address the needs that the extended family once fulfilled. Parent facilitators and educators in Australia have increasingly adapted and modified existing packaged programs, and have developed and tailored their own programs to meet the needs of a diverse range of parents. Examples of these programs are ‘The Endeavour Program’ and ‘PACE: Parenting Adolescents: A Creative Experience’. Fro m

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Outcomes of parent education programs The provision of parent education programs by professional parent educators has been identified as being of benefit to parents in a number of ways. Parent education increases parents’ knowledge of child development and can assist in informing expectations and responses to children’s behaviour. Parent education group work can reduce feelings of isolation by way of the friendships made in the group as well as increase social networks. Parent education, by definition, gives parents skills and strategies to help them relate to and manage children’s behaviour. Parent education offers parents opportunity to normalise their children’s behaviours and subsequently to decrease feelings of guilt and depression with regard to their parenting. Parent education has the capacity to be able to assist a wide range of parents in the community. The diversity of parents range from those who are ‘good’ parents wanting to become ‘better’ parents through to those parents who are struggling with meeting their child’s needs on a day-to-day basis and who, in addition, may have specific unmet needs or disabilities. Parent education has been valued and “advocated as a significant component of any comprehensive framework for the prevention of child maltreatment” (Tomison 1998). There are many reasons some parents are unable to manage their children’s behaviour in a positive and peaceful way. Child maltreatment, abuse and neglect have been associated with a lack of parenting skills, poor parent–child relationships and child-rearing problems. In this context, parent education programs can been seen as assisting parents by providing alternative, nonabusive methods of handling children’s behaviours.

Not just skills and strategies—enhancing parent education in the new millennium We acknowledge the history of parent education and its value to parents and families. We believe that, at the beginning of the twenty-first century, it is essential to re-evaluate and reassess the purpose and philosophy behind parent education programs. The questions to ask today about parent education programs are: Is the primary focus on the provision of parenting skills and strategies enough for parents? Does parent education, through the provision of parenting skills and strategies, assist in enhancing and strengthening the emotional relationships between children and parents? If parenting programs are seen as filling a gap which the extended family and community once filled, then what is missing from a skills-based program? Now is the time to add to and redefine Fine’s 1980 definition of parent education. The key additions to the definition are: emotional wellbeing (incorporating emotional intelligence and focusing on the acknowledgement of emotions in parents and children and building on their relationships) utilising a strength-based approach which incorporates opportunities for community building. These additions to the provision of parent education are described below.

Emotional wellbeing New research shows us that “we are attempting to control the children’s behaviour without looking at the emotions that underlie that behaviour” (Gottman 1997). What has been missing is a reference to the world of emotions that is the foundation upon which a family is built. John Gottman, in his book, The Heart of Parenting—How to raise an emotionally intelligent child (1997), describes what he terms “emotion coaching” and the benefits to children when increasing their emotional intelligence. Gottman’s work is based on the work of Dr Hain Ginott, who describes emotion coaching as a “framework based on emotional communication” (quoted in Gottman 1997). act mp ts i nting i e — p a re ang l ch and ocia arents 5 S 1 on p tion c e S

Parents who offer children empathy and help them cope with negative feelings build bridges of loyalty and attendance … [Parents need to] listen to children’s words and the feelings behind the words, communication about emotions can serve as a way for parents to teach their children values … Communication within families should be enhanced at every opportunity. (Ginott, quoted in Gottman 1997)

“Parents need kindness, warmth, optimism and patience to raise well behaved, emotionally healthy children” (Gottman 1997). Parents need to empathise with children’s feelings. Communication between parents and children should always preserve self-respect. While not all behaviour is acceptable, all feelings and wishes are, and therefore parents should set limits on acts but not on emotional desires. “Kindness invites cooperation. Punishment invites resentment and rebellion. Too often parents don’t think about the long range results of what they do and say” (Nelsen 1999). Parents need to be able to understand their own feelings and emotions in order to better understand their children and their children’s behaviour. When a child misbehaves, that behaviour triggers an emotion in the parent, who then acts on that emotion. An important element in understanding children’s behaviour is to understand the emotions that underlie the behaviour. Children show their emotions through their behaviours. To address only the behaviour is like treating the symptom of an illness, rather than examining the cause of the illness itself. There is a growing body of criticism about parenting programs that only address behavioural issues with skills and strategies. These skills and strategies often include punishment for misbehaviour that can hurt the child’s feelings, subsequently lowering his or her self-esteem and damaging the relationship between parents and their children. Skills and strategies can become punitive when not used within a nurturing, safe and secure environment. Strategies that use humiliation and isolation such as ‘time out’ “may stop the behaviour for the moment, but often create further rebellion at best, or loss of self-esteem at worst” (Nelsen 1999). There is a recognition today that parenting is a complex and challenging occupation. Every child is unique, every parent is an individual, and attempting to develop and apply prescriptive, ‘one size fits all’ programs around the parent–child relationship is futile. What is required is the strengthening and enhancing of an emotionally positive parent–child relationship as well as the development of supportive and mutually beneficial community relationships and networks. Parent educators have a responsibility to encourage, enable and support parents to be able to raise their children to feel safe, secure, happy and nurtured. Emotional wellbeing is being recognised in families as essential in enabling them to function as a system in which parents are able to take on the responsibility of raising their children in a physically, socially and emotionally healthy manner. Parents can learn the power of understanding, expressing and using the emotional layers that exist between family members. Parents can then, in turn, pass on this learning to enhance their children’s emotional wellbeing. Contemporary research into resilience outlines the importance of individual and environmental protective factors in keeping children and young people optimistic, and emotionally intelligent. These factors can buffer adversity, allowing a ‘bouncing back’ after the adversity and the ability to get ‘back on track’. Families can be an environmental protective factor for children through developing and strengthening their emotional wellbeing. Emotionally healthy and resilient children have feelings that are acknowledged. They can still get upset and distressed, but are better able to soothe themselves, bounce back from distress and carry on with productive activities. How does emotional wellbeing impact upon parent education? Parent education in groups can assist parents in exploring and learning about their own emotional wellbeing and ways in Fro m

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which it can be enhanced and nurtured in order to then enhance and nurture relationships within and between family members. Children learn responsibility only in a safe environment. Punishment does not create a safe environment. And neither punishment nor rewards help children develop responsibility. True learning takes place when children have the ability to respond to their experiences with important life skills, such as accountability, learning from mistakes, problem-solving, and understanding the consequences of their choices—to themselves and to others. (Nelsen 1999)

A strength-based approach to parenting Historically, parent educators and other professionals working with families have most often worked from a deficit model that helped parents to identify what they were doing wrong. However, most parents already know what is not working. Within the Australian community there is a strong emphasis on deficits: what is missing, what is wrong. Our response to parenting is most often to judge and criticise, rather than to praise and seek out the positives. Acknowledgement of what parents are doing well, however, needs to be emphasised, highlighted and celebrated. There is a need for contemporary parent programs to be both strength-based and solution-focused in their approach. The first step towards adopting a strength-based approach is to remove the term ‘education’ from the definition. Education implies teaching; that the educator is the source of knowledge and that parents attend in order to be taught and to learn. In a strength-based approach, the role of the professional changes profoundly from that of an expert and teacher to that of a facilitator. A facilitator listens to parents’ stories and works alongside them, using the collective group knowledge and support. In this way, parents are able to recognise their strengths and connectedness and to identify positive ways in which to develop and nurture their relationships —particularly relationships with their children. A strength-based approach to parenting programs begins when a parent makes the decision to attend a parent group. Parents generally face a number of barriers, psychologically and practically, that restrict them from walking through the door of the first parent group. Once in the group, the facilitator and parents work collaboratively to recognise their skills, abilities and unique characteristics. Together, they can work towards identifying the strengths and positive attributes of families, creating more opportunities for strengths to be built upon and positive change to occur. A strength-based, solution-focused approach assumes a positive outcome. This could include an enhancement of parent–child relationships and an increased awareness of the importance of acknowledging feelings in parents and children. Being solution-focused provides a peaceful win–win approach to resolving conflict, utilising two-way communication and mutual respect. Positive reframing, active listening and the celebration of positive change are strategies and techniques that facilitators can use in parent groups to maximise the effectiveness of a strengthbased approach. A strength-based, solution-focused approach to parents in parent groups inevitably increases parental self-esteem and confidence. Confident, happy parents can then apply a strength-based framework to their parenting.

Community building in parenting While the parent–child relationship is often focused upon within parent groups, the group can also assist in building community networks and support for parents. A parent group can provide many opportunities for parents to make additional social connections and to give and act mp ts i nting i e — p a re ang l ch and ocia rents 7 S 1 on pa tion c e S

receive support and encouragement. More tangibly, the group can have community building consequences such as mutual childcare, sharing of information about other services and group lobbying for additional resources for their community—an upgrading of community facilities or gaining funds to continue to run a group, for example. As a parent group meets and its members become more comfortable and confident with each other, the community building opportunities become possible. Inclusion of group activities and brainstorms can increase the opportunity for parents to strengthen their community links, networks and knowledge. The parent group may be facilitated within a community facility, such as a community centre or a school, which gives parents the opportunity to become familiar with and have access to other services and relationships.

From strength to strength All parents are raising their children to the best of their ability, with the knowledge they have and the support and resources they have available to them. Not all parents, however, have all the knowledge, support and resources available to them to care for their children in a nurturing and safe way. For parents in the twenty-first century, Fine’s 1980 definition of parent education programs is too limiting. The definition of parent education today needs to be broadened to include an underlying philosophy of enhancing family functioning with emotional wellbeing and community building becoming integral components of parent education and group work with parents. From Strength to Strength incorporates a strength-based approach to parenting that focuses on the strengths in each family, rather than the deficits. It is respectful of the knowledge that parents have about their own children and believes that all parents are doing the best for their children with the knowledge they have. It is recognised that the safety and wellbeing of children is of utmost importance. The strength-based approach does not deny that some children are at risk in their parents’ care, but it does focus on building on parent strengths rather than deficits to enable them to become the best parents they can be for their children.

References Allan, J. & Schultz, C. (1987) ‘Parent Education: Developments and discrepancies’, Australian Child and Family Welfare 12:4, 14–16. Elliott, B. with Mulroney, L. & O’Neil, D. (2000) Promoting Family Change:The optimism factor, Sydney: Allen & Unwin. Fine, M. (1980) Handbook on Parent Education, New York: Academic Press. Gottman, D. (1997) The Heart of Parenting—How to raise an emotionally intelligent child, London: Bloomsbury Publishers. Nelsen, J. (1999) Positive Time Out and Over 50 Ways To Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom, New York: Prima Publishing. Pipher, M. (1996) The Shelter of Each Other—Rebuilding our families, New York: Putnam’s Sons. Tomison, Adam M. (1998) ‘Valuing Parent Education: A cornerstone of child abuse prevention’, Issues in Child Abuse Prevention, No. 10 Spring.

Resources Batten, R., Weeks, W. & Wilson, J. (eds) (1993) Issues Facing Australian Families, Melbourne: Longman Cheshire. Biddulph, S. (1997) Raising Boys, Sydney: Finch Publications. Biddulph, S. (1993) The Secret of Happy Children, Melbourne: Bay Books. Fro m

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Biddulph, S. (1994) More Secrets of Happy Children, Melbourne: Bay Books. Briggs, F. (ed.) (1994) Children and Families—Australian perspectives, Sydney: Allen & Unwin. Covey, S.R. (1997) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families: Building a beautiful family culture in a turbulent world, New York: Golden Books Publishing. Eastman, M. (1991) Family: The vital factor, Melbourne: CollinsDove. Fine, M. (ed.) (1991) The Second Handbook on Parent Education, New York: Academic Press. Holborow, B. & Neville, C. (1999) Kids Loving for Life, Milsons’s Point, NSW: Random House. Metcalf, L. (1997) Parenting Towards Solutions— How parents can use skills they already have to raise responsible loving kids, Paramus, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Ochiltree, G. (1993) Children in Australian Families, Melbourne: Longman Cheshire. Porter, E. (1995) Building Good Families in a Changing World, Melbourne: Melbourne University Press. Satir, V. (1988) The New Peoplemaking, Mountain View, California: Science and Behaviour Books Inc. Smith, A., Gollop, M., Marshall K. & Narin, K. (eds) (2000) Advocating for Children— International perspectives on children’s rights, Otago, New Zealand: University of Otago Press.

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to establishing a parent Stepsgroup Preparation Facilitating a parent group involves many steps before parents actually arrive at the venue and the group begins. Key considerations for the facilitator are as follows.

Group membership Which parents would benefit from a parent group and what type of parent group would best meet their needs? This is called a ‘needs analysis’. The most efficient method of conducting a needs analysis is to administer questionnaires, surveys or focus groups. Questions to ask might include: What types of issues are you experiencing in your parenting? What day and times would suit you to attend a group? Would you like to attend a course of parent group meetings, or would you prefer one-off sessions on particular topics? Use your analysis of the results of the questionnaire or focus group to decide what sort of group is most required. It may not be necessary to carry out a needs analysis if you are already working with or have a group of parents who have similar needs and issues. This manual includes some core modules which are arranged by age group. In addition, fourteen specialist modules have been included for use with parents who have specific needs, such as sole parents or Aboriginal parents. For most ‘mainstream’ parent groups, parents are best matched in groups according to the ages of their children, as they will have similar stages of social, emotional, cognitive and behavioural development. Four age groupings of children have been distinguished in this manual: pre-school, primary school, early adolescence and late adolescence.

Budget The next step is to identify how the group will be funded. Consider whether the group will be self-funded by participants (with a course fee being charged), or whether funding for the group can be obtained from a state, territory or Federal government department, from local government or from the community or philanthropic sectors. If childcare is to be provided, this will need to be budgeted for as well. Parents on fixed or low incomes may find it difficult to pay to attend the group, but paying a small fee can improve or ensure attendance and commitment to the group. These factors should be worked through well before the group is advertised or parents contacted. Create a plan to advertise and/or promote the group, including which media will be utilised (newspaper and community radio, for example).

Physical environment Obtain a suitable venue for the group, with consideration given to heating, cooling, lighting and comfortable seating. A room set up with chairs in rows (theatre style) is usually not conducive to group discussion, whereas chairs placed in a circle are. A table with chairs placed around it also assists in creating a relaxing atmosphere in which parents can talk freely. Refreshments also

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need to be considered, depending on the time of the group. Tea, coffee and morning/afternoon tea or lunch may need to be provided. Tea and coffee on arrival helps to set the scene for parents to relax and talk among themselves informally before the group begins.

Group aims and objectives The group’s aims and objectives need to be defined and articulated by the facilitator prior to the group commencing. What will actually happen in the group and what will be its content? Even if the group is intended to determine the topics week by week, it is advisable that the facilitator has a ‘fall back’ plan. From Strength to Strength adopts strength-based and adult learning approaches to group work with parents. Aims and objectives should reflect this philosophical framework from the outset in the planning for the group.

Facilitation of the group Facilitation of a parent group within a strength-based approach means being able to provide support and encouragement to participants. A facilitator allows participants to explore for themselves their own parenting issues within a safe environment.

Co-facilitation of the group A major consideration is whether to facilitate the group alone or with someone else. There are numerous advantages to co-facilitation: there is support in planning the group sessions the load of planning, advertising and organising the group can be shared the role of facilitation can be divided, keeping in mind issues such as: – when one facilitator is speaking the other one can observe the group for a comment that has not been picked up – one facilitator can think of other comments to make when the group is asked a question by the other facilitator and there is a silence – making sure everyone is having their turn to speak – one facilitator can be responsible for explaining the content of the session and keeping the group focused on the topic, while the other facilitator ensures that the group remains engaged and builds up a sense of trust, understanding, sense of belonging and fun. When there are two group facilitators, it is important to determine individual roles. Will the facilitation be shared equally, or will one person be the main facilitator and the other the support person? Will one facilitator deal with group process and the other group content? Compatibility between the facilitators is very important, as is having a shared philosophy and shared beliefs about working with parents. Personalities are also important to consider. Parents in the group need to feel safe and are likely to pick up any tensions between the facilitators. It is important for the facilitators to work out how they will work together BEFORE the group begins, and to discuss how any tensions can be resolved so that they do not affect group dynamics.

Self care of facilitators It is recommended that facilitators make time to have an appropriate professional to ‘debrief’ with after each session. Debriefing, or supervision, is important to help the facilitator work through any issues that arise in the group, as well as to celebrate successes and achievements. Often, this process is not budgeted for and therefore is easy to leave out. However, it is important for the wellbeing of the facilitators and the group that group process is continually evaluated. Self care for parents is emphasised throughout the group process, so it is important that this is appropriately modelled by the facilitators as well. in lish tab s e p to ou teps t gr 1 Sa paren n o i t Sec

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Facilitation skills and experience If you have not had any experience with group work, then this manual alone is not enough to get you started. It is strongly recommended that you undertake some professional group work training. In Victoria, a Certificate Course is offered at Swinburne University of Technology (Prahran), called ‘Parent Education Leadership Training’ (PELT), which provides the theoretical information and has a practicum component for practising of group facilitation skills.You can also contact the authors of this manual directly for information about training in other states and territories. Before embarking on any work with parents, it is essential to have a clear and positive philosophy about working with parents.

Helpful group facilitator attributes A positive attitude and the ability to be able to help participants increase their confidence and self-esteem An understanding of family needs and the developmental cycle of families A sound philosophy that is based on a positive approach to parents as participants in a group and in their ability to parent children A comprehensive understanding of the principles of adult learning Empathy for parents’ issues and emotions in relation to their parenting Facilitators need to be able to confidently use a range of strategies in order to deal with the emotions and situations of parents attending the group. These include: Effective communication skills Being ready and able to reframe negative situations into positive ones Having a supportive manner Being encouraging Being non-judgmental and sensitive to the needs and experiences of others Ability to work effectively with another facilitator if necessary Trustworthiness and respectfulness Patience, tolerance and understanding

Facilitators need a clear understanding of Child and adolescent development Knowledge of families and parenting Local expertise (resources, knowledge of other services for referral if necessary—mental health, community health, for example) How groups work, their dynamics and processes How groups and the participants in them may develop and behave Before starting work with parents, be clear about your philosophy for working with parents. Your personal philosophy will underpin how your work with parents is carried out and how your knowledge is imparted to parents, as well as your individual style of facilitation. Questions to ask are: Do I believe it is possible for parents to change their attitudes and behaviours? How will I react if a parent in the group describes behaviour towards her or his child that I disagree with?

Parent group aims and objectives In order to optimise the achievements of the group, it is essential that you identify the key aims and objectives before the group begins. The aims of a parent group may be to: Empower parents in their parenting role Fro m

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Build on and enhance the wellbeing and confidence of parents in their ability to parent their children Assist parents in building loving and trusting relationships with their children Build on and enhance the communication skills of parents Enhance and add to the parenting skills and strategies of parents in the group Provide information to parents about age- and stage-appropriate child development and behaviour Provide parents with informal opportunities for the formation of social networks and friendships Have fun. It is important to recognise that parent groups referred to in this manual are not designed to be counselling or therapy groups. If a parent clearly has complex or individually specific issues that need to be addressed, the group facilitator should refer that parent to an appropriate counselling or therapeutic service. Alternatively, if a parent has more pressing issues such as lack of stable accommodation or is in a violent relationship, he or she will need to be linked to a service that can address that immediate need before being able to gain and contribute from participation in a parent group. There is a great advantage in the facilitator meeting with parent participants individually prior to the group commencement, to assess parent readiness for a group.

Adult learning principles Adult learning principles are applied throughout this manual as a framework for working respectfully with adults. The table below illustrates the facilitator’s role in relation to key adult learning principles. Adult learning principles

Role of group facilitator

Decide for themselves what they think is important

Provide a safe environment for learning to happen

Need to validate the information based on their beliefs and experiences

Be open minded, non-judgmental and a good listener

Expect what they are learning to be immediately useful

Run with the agenda of the group rather than that of the facilitator

Have much past experience on which to draw—may have rigid viewpoints

Be flexible and allow open discussion between participants. Do not judge, put down or dismiss participants

Have significant ability to serve as a knowledgeable resource to the facilitator and group participants

Allow information to be distributed among participants without facilitator involvement

Are focused on issues

Allow time for issues to be raised and possible solutions to be aired

Participate in an active way

Allow participants to feel they have ownership of the group, and have some say in the structure of group

Function best in a collaborative environment

Provide such an environment that is also safe for conversation

Share in planning

Help the group to work together on content topics and to set group guidelines

The main role of the leader of any group of adults incorporating adult learning principles is to be a facilitator, rather than a teacher or lecturer. in lish tab s e p to ou teps t gr 1 Sa paren n o i t Sec

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Session outlines In both the core and specialist modules, this manual uses a session outline developed by Constance Jenkin in her parenting manual Planning Happy Families: A kit for leaders (1988). This model has been chosen for use throughout the manual because it allows a balance between structure and flexibility in the group. Structure is important when there is co-facilitation, and participants in the group feel safe when they understand the structure of each session. Flexibility in the group allows parents to raise issues of concern, be listened to and gain some ideas and strategies to apply outside the group. Each session has the following structure. The components of the group structure and their purpose are described in detail below. The name/s of each component can be changed to suit the group. In this manual we use the following icons to help you identify the different components in each module:

Aims

Welcome

Warm-up

Feedback

Homework review/Check-in

Pressing issues

Content

Homework

Wind down

Close

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Welcome Once the introductory session has occurred, use a brief welcome session to pass on any apologies from group members and to discuss ‘housekeeping’ issues.

Warm-up and wind down At the beginning of a session, a warm-up helps participants to focus on the group and to set aside what has happened before the group or on their way to the group. Warm-ups can assist participants in getting to know each other better in a lighthearted way. At the end of the group session, the purpose of the wind down is to allow participants to prepare to finish the group and go back to their lives for another week. In this manual, facilitators are encouraged to use the warm-up or wind down that they think is relevant for the group at that moment, or is related to the content. The warm-ups and wind downs can also be swapped around; you might choose a wind down as a warm-up for a particular session. At the beginning and end of each module, in both the core and specialist modules, a variety of warm-ups and wind downs have been used, offering the facilitator a wealth of choice. Facilitators might have their own favourites that could also be used.

Feedback Feedback from the group allows parents to share any concerns or comments about the practicalities of the group, such as access to the venue or childcare facilities.

Homework review/check-in The review part of the session enables you to find out what parents have learned and whether they have been able to apply a new skill or strategy at home. The review allows for successes to be celebrated in the group as well as for challenges to be shared in a supportive environment.

Pressing issues This part of the session reflects directly on the adult learning principle in which adults ‘expect what they are learning to be immediately useful’ and are ‘focused on issues’. This component of the session allows any immediate issue a parent has to be raised and dealt with at the beginning of the group in order that the group can then proceed as planned. The process for dealing with a pressing issue is as follows: Allow five minutes for the parent to outline the issue, then reframe it into a succinct sentence that captures the essence of the issue (the group can ask questions of the parent to verify points). Other parents in the group then share any ideas they may have to manage the issue. List all of these suggestions on butcher’s paper or a whiteboard. When all the suggestions are listed, the parent who brought the issue to the attention of the group selects one of the suggestions. Trying out the suggestion becomes that parent’s ‘homework’. There are several ways that this section can finish. For example, the parent (and other interested parents) can write down the selected suggestion to try. A novel alternative is to roll the butcher’s paper, tie it with a ribbon and give to the parent to take home. Parents of adolescents sometimes show their children the list and they work on the ideas together. The pressing issues session allows a parent with an immediate issue to have it raised in the group setting, be listened to and acknowledged and finally to have at least one suggestion to

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apply to the situation. The rest of the group feels empowered as participants realise that they are able to offer suggestions to others. Parents with a similar issue as the parent who aired their issue often also try some of the ideas with their children and share the outcome with the group the following week. An important part of the process after the parent has shared her or his pressing issue is for him or her to be quiet while you list the other parents’ suggestions without any discussion. This ensures the process is contained within the five-minute time frame. At the end of the process, the parent who raised the pressing issue does not go through the list saying which suggestions he or she might try and which ones she or he does not like, as this is disempowering to the parent who made that particular suggestion. A handout to use for the Pressing Issue component is included on page 25.

Content The content component of the session relates to the introduction of new ideas, skills and strategies. Ideally, the group will have chosen the topics during the first session. Introduce the content, based on your experience, reading and research. Invite parents to contribute their thoughts and experiences on the topic. Parents then undertake two or three activities in the group that will assist them to explore the topic for themselves, and come to the conclusions or ideas that they can apply to their particular family situation. The content sessions outlined in the core modules give some ideas about the types of activity that are possible. The content component of the session allows for exploration and development of emotional literacy, and may also include community building exercises. There are many additional, external resources available that can be used to assist you in developing relevant content for the group session (see resources listed throughout this manual).

Homework Parents are encouraged to try something they have learned in the group during the week (either a general observation task or a ‘looking after yourself’ task). Some parents may want to try specific skills and strategies that have come out of the pressing issue section or the content areas.

Wind down This activity provides closure for the session in a positive way that enables parents to face the week with hope and optimism.

Close Thank parents for attending and contributing to the group, and wish them a good week. The closure represents the end of the formal group time; parents may stay on and talk among themselves. It is important at the end of the final session of the group to have some kind of ritual to bring closure to the group. This could be the presentation of participation certificates, or a special feast. It is important for the group to acknowledge that it has finished, and to recognise achievements.

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First session for all core modules The purpose of any first session of the parent group is to engage participants in the group process and to introduce everyone to each other. Participants may feel nervous or anxious at this session, wondering what is going to happen. Spend some time ‘setting the scene’ by explaining how the group will function as well as its purpose and the process. Invite participants to determine content topics for the remainder of the group sessions. The first session generally follows the session outline as described above, but will have its own particular components as well. The components of the first session are:

Welcome

Housekeeping/Group rules

Warm-up

Content

Homework

Wind down

Close

Welcome Greet everyone and welcome them to the group. Introduce yourself (and your co-facilitator, if you have one) by talking briefly about your professional and personal background (anything you feel safe sharing and that will help the engagement process). Share your philosophy and approach to parenting and to the group. For example, the expectation that parents in the group will have many of their own answers and suggestions. Explain that the group will be a safe place for participants to share only what they wish to. Depending on the laws regarding mandatory reporting of child abuse in your state or territory, you may need to discuss with participants your professional obligations of reporting child abuse issues or concerns if they arise in the course of the group. One way of stating this is to explain that your role is to make sure that participants are safe, both in the group and outside the group. If parents share anything, in the group, that indicates that their children are not safe, then you would need to follow this up with the participant after the group. This allows you to meet your mandatory reporting requirements. ing lish tab s e p to ou teps t gr 1 Sa paren n o i t Sec

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Housekeeping/group rules/guidelines This section can be titled as appropriate for the group. Throughout this manual it is is referred to as ‘group rules’. These are particularly relevant in the first session, but parents may need to be reminded of them in subsequent sessions. Considerations might include: starting and finishing time—expectations about punctuality breaks and availability of refreshments where and when smoking is allowed payments for the group sessions, refreshments and/or childcare (whatever is relevant) practical issues, such as parking mobile phones, should they be on or off location of toilets, public phone and other amenities contact details for participants to notify you if they are unable to attend the group professional obligations for mandatory reporting of child abuse reminder to the group to have fun! It is useful to lead group discussion in the first session around the development of group rules. These can then be listed on butcher’s paper and placed in a prominent place every week to remind parents. Explain the session outline for each week, and have the session outline on display each week so parents know what to expect with respect to group process and structure.

Warm-up A warm-up is a group activity designed to assist parents in starting to get to know each other. It is important in the first session that these are non-demanding of participants and encourage fun as well as the sharing of information in the group. The following warm-ups are suggested as being particularly useful for a first group session. Each parent shares her or his name and the names and ages of his or her children. These can be put up on butcher’s paper to encourage parents’ feelings of affinity with others in the group. Start to make connections between parents, such as parents with the same number of children, children of the same gender, parents whose first born is a boy/girl, parents with children similar in age and gender. This list can be on display each week or typed up for parents to have a copy of. Beanbag game—throw a small beanbag to a participant while calling his or her name. Invite the parent to throw it to someone else while calling his or her name, and so on. Parents need to know that it is fine to throw it back to you if they are unable to remember anyone else’s name. The group helps each parent think of a positive adjective that starts with the same letter as her or his name; for example, ‘Suave Sally’, ‘Nurturing Neil’, ‘Mighty Michael’. The group can have fun with the adjectives—sometimes parents keep these ‘nicknames’ throughout the life of the group.

Content Through a group activity, parents should offer topics for the rest of the group sessions. Ask parents in pairs, small groups or all together: What are the things you really enjoy about your children at the moment? What do you hope to gain from coming to the group? How do you feel about your children most of the time? What do you dislike about your children’s behaviour?

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What do you dislike about your parenting at the moment? What is concerning you about your children at the moment? These types of questions are open, ended, not closed, and are designed to encourage parents to start to articulate their parenting issues. Questions such as the last one above will often give you a range of shared issues that can be listed.These can then be put under headings that are relevant to the age group of the children. Headings could include: child/adolescent development communication (listening) conflict resolution/problem solving behaviour/misbehaviour hope/optimism/self-esteem/confidence/resilience The group can then decide together in which order the content topics should be discussed.

Homework Unless a participant had a pressing issue (trying out the suggested solutions would become his or her homework) give the group a general homework task. This could include the self care of the parents themselves. For example, ask each parent to tell the group of a relaxation activity to undertake for him or herself during the week.

Wind down (explained on page 16) In the first session, the wind down should be undemanding and non-threatening. For example, the house brick activity: Each parent explains one thing she or he could do with a house brick. When each parent has contributed an idea, point out that although each parent only shared one thing, together the group has ended up with many ideas about what they could do with a house brick. The analogy can be drawn with a parent group. Each parent might have one idea about how to solve a parenting issue but the group may come with a range of creative and different ideas that could be applied to the same parenting issue, giving parents many more ideas than they had by themselves. This is one of the fundamental reasons that parents meet in groups—to give them some new and different ideas.

Close Formally close the group, ensuring that it finishes on an optimistic note, and thank everyone for coming. As a follow-up of parents during the week, you may wish to send a letter to parents (a suggested format is included on page 26). Many parents do not receive personal letters very often, so a letter of reminder or follow-up of tasks during the week can be a positive action that facilitators can take to further engage parents in the group.

Stages of group development Groups generally, including parent groups, can take on a ‘life’ of their own over time as changes in dynamics between and within group participants (and facilitator/s) occur. Sometimes these changes can be quite marked. Many theories of the stages of group development have been put forward by researchers over time. A well-known model is that of Tuckman’s stages of forming, storming, norming and performing, with the final stage being one of mourning (cited in Brown, 1992). When groups of parents get together, the group can be a powerful agent that can stimulate parents to think, debate and perhaps change their parenting practices.

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A time-limited parent group of closed membership will usually go through its own stages of development over the weeks of its existence. For the purposes of strength-based group facilitators, parent groups usually follow a linear progression of development, as described below: 1

An ‘introduction’ stage, during which participants do not know each other and are therefore wary. There may be only tentative participation in the beginning, with all comments from participants communicated to and from the facilitator.

2

A ‘feeling more comfortable’ stage, in which participants can test group rules as they work out the roles they will play in the group. Participation may be a bit confrontational.

3

A ‘settled’ stage, during which the group works cohesively together, roles have been worked out and accepted, and all are working to achieve the goals of the group (these may not be overtly articulated, however). Participation may be from one participant to the other, rather than through the facilitator as in the introductory stage. Participants will start to work out their own solutions and share ideas.

4

The ‘end’ of the group, a time at which there may be some sadness. This stage needs some sort of ritual to acknowledge closure and that it is the end of the group.

It is important to note that not all groups go through all these stages. However, it is important for the facilitator to be aware that groups will go through their own stages of development as they progress over time. When the group is seemingly a bit rebellious or not attending or a bit distracted, for example, it may not be the skills of the facilitator that are in questions but can be attributed to a stage the group is going through. The role of the facilitator is crucial to the group being able to have its needs met both as a group and as individuals. In the table below are some factors that indicate the characteristics of an ineffective group, compared with an effective one. Being an effective group means being effective primarily for the participants, not the facilitator. This is an important point to note. The points under the ineffective group heading usually occur when the facilitation style of the group is that of a teacher or lecturer. A strength-based facilitator will always allow the group to be an effective one.

Ineffective groups

Effective groups

• Imposed goals; competitive structures • One-way communication; feelings ignored

• Goals are clarified and cooperatively structured

• Leadership and authority delegated; goal emphasised

• Open and accurate expression of both ideas and feelings are emphasised

• Position determines power; obedience orientation

• Participation and leadership are distributed among all group members

• Participants’ involvement minimal; little group discussion

• Ability and information determine influence

• Controversy and conflict avoided

• Decision making is based on involvement and group discussions

• Participants’ functions emphasised: control and conformity orientation • Problem-solving effectiveness is low • Authority evaluates the process: stability is the criterion • Passive participation is encouraged

• Controversy is minimised through affirmation and trust; individuality is endorsed • Group bonding is strengthened through positive feedback and trust; the individual is respected • Problem-solving effectiveness is high • Participants evaluate the effectiveness of the group; goal maintenance and development are all-important • Personal growth through questioning and development of ideas is encouraged

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Group participants Every group will have a range of individuals who come together and take on particular roles in the group. Inevitably, most groups of adults will have at least one person who is a leader, who asks questions and takes up a lot of time. In contrast, there is usually an introverted person who is hard to engage. In between these two types many different personalities will present in any one group. Most personality types in their own right are manageable in a group situation.What is more difficult for the facilitator to manage is the influence they have on the group. It is the facilitator’s responsibility to enable all participants to engage in the group, as well as to meet the needs of the majority of participants. Listed on the following page are some of the more common participant roles, together with group management strategies for facilitators. You will encounter participants who display a range of emotions within the group. It is important to remember that when a participant displays behaviours as identified in the above table there is an emotion behind that behaviour. Think about how you will respond to the behaviour as well as the emotion behind the behaviour. Not taking the behaviour/emotion personally is the first step to helping the participant. Reacting defensively by attacking or withdrawing can escalate the situation.Your role is to contain the situation for the safety of the individual participant as well as the group. Listening is the most important skill of any facilitator. Listen empathetically and acknowledge the feelings displayed by participants. Be aware of your own reactions and always keep communications professional. The participant will be taking the cue for her or his response from you in your role as group leader. Make sure that participants have understood the situation clearly before taking appropriate action. This may be to use a strategy from the table above, by opening up the situation to the group to discuss, or by speaking to the participant after the group has formally closed. All participants will have emotions about being in the group and about their parenting. All emotions are acceptable, but the ways in which emotions are expressed (for example, through aggressive or abusive behaviour) is not appropriate in the group situation. It may become obvious through a participant’s behaviour and comments that he or she is not ready to gain any benefit from a group experience, and a referral to another more personalised service may be needed.Your concern has to be primarily for the group as a whole. If a single participant is jeopardising the harmony and productivity of the group because of her or his individual needs, then that participant should be asked privately by the facilitator to leave the group. Referral to another service may be appropriate for the participant if she or he agrees to this.

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Participant

Facilitator strategies

Quiet (often not verbal but may or may not use body language)

• encourage in small groups and in work in pairs • ask general questions and for opinions • allow that person to participate in a quiet ‘observing’ way (not everyone is a talker!)

Aggressive (verbally and sometimes physically). If this person is not dealt with appropriately, then other members will vote with their feet and not return

• sit next to him or her (no eye contact) • model non-aggressive, problem-solving methods • ask her or him to leave if the group feels unsafe or uncomfortable

Talker (cuts across everyone, always has something to say)

• sit next to her or him • thank him or her for the contributions and say, “It is time to listen to someone else”

Disrupter (arrives late, leaves early, chats to whoever is next to him or her and divides the group)

• be assertive with humour • leave a seat vacant near the door in order to minimise disruptions • approach him or her out of group if necessary (telephone at home)

Distractor—changes the subject, offers a comment to the group unrelated to the topic being discussed

• ignore and refocus the group • ask person to “hold that thought while we finish this topic” • use eye contact, then say “thank you” and move on

Excuser/Yes, but (procrastinates using any strategy)

• consider one-to-one contact outside the group • break down her or his problem into much smaller, manageable segments • use positive reinforcement in the group

Joker—can trivialise serious discussions

• ensure that the jokes are not upsetting anyone in the group and are not told at inopportune times • allow a laugh, and then move on. Share with the group the importance of humour in parenting

Justifier—“Yes, but”—an opportunity to restate that there is not only one way to deal with situations

• give positive feedback on what she or he has done • reflect on feelings: “How does that make you feel?”

Defeatist—“I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work”

• • • • •

Upset/crying because parenting can bring up many emotions

• offer tissues, comfort and acknowledge the distress (verbally) • ask the person if he or she would like to leave the group — perhaps another facilitator/parent could go with him or her • call a break in the session • move on to the next person, follow through later, in private, if necessary

Person ordered (mandated) to attend the parenting group (by a court or a statutory government department)

• welcome to the group and acknowledge that the person does not want to be there. “I’m sorry that you don’t want to be here” • invite comments, but otherwise leave alone (when they feel more comfortable they may participate)

Couples who argue and disagree in the group

• reflect that there is no single way to parent • bring the topic they are arguing about to the group for discussion • say “It is all right for the couple to agree to disagree” • you may have to refer couple to relationship counselling

invite the group to brainstorm the issue offer resources, books acknowledge what they have said redirect the question to rest of the group follow up after the group

Adapted from Curran 1989

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Evaluation of the group A process of evaluation should be built into any parenting program. Evaluations offer an important opportunity for parents to give feedback to the facilitator on such factors as: How they experienced the group Learning experiences The differences that the group made in the way they parent The difference the group made in their relationships with their children Evaluations are an important part of planning and development for future parent groups. Evaluation can inform you of the outcomes for parents, and ensures that concrete information is gained that could assist with obtaining future funding. Evaluation of groups over time can contribute towards the gathering of an evidence base for assessing the impact of a particular approach or strategy. When designing the evaluation, think about what you want to evaluate.The group aims and objectives that have been written prior to the group can form the basis of an evaluation to determine whether in fact these were met. Feedback may also be useful from the participants’ perspective on the following: Venue suitability and refreshments Input and style of the facilitator/s The group experience for the parents Changes that may have occurred in parenting skills, styles and relationships within families as a result of the group experience. When you are certain about what to evaluate, then the evaluation can be designed considering the following: Literacy skills of the parents (oral evaluations are as useful as written) Time taken to fill in the evaluation (will it be during the last session or at home); consider whether the evaluations will be returned if they are taken home Type of questions posed; closed questions allow yes/no or tick a box answers, as compared to open questions that allow for detailed, qualitative written replies Whether the evaluation has to be completed individually or whether it can be a group experience Timing of the evaluation; facilitators may like to consider sending a questionnaire out to participants after a time lapse in order to determine the impact the group had in the longer term. Evaluations do not have to rely solely on participant self-reporting. In order to assess whether the group has, in fact, resulted in any long-term changes in parental behaviours and attitudes, a post-test (easiest in the form of a questionnaire) can be administered some time after the group conclusion. In addition, an evaluation could incorporate comments from other professionals who are involved with the parent as to any observable changes that they think parents have made as a result of their group experience. Sample handouts of weekly planning session outlines and evaluation forms are included on pages 27 and 28.

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References Brown, A. (1992) Groupwork, 2nd edition, Hants, England: Ashgate.

Resources Brandes, D. & Phillips, H. (1992) Gamesters’ Handbook—140 games for teachers and group leaders, Cheltenham: Stanley Thornes. Brandes, D. (1992) Gamesters’ Handbook Two, Cheltenham: Stanley Thornes. Chapman, P., Brewer-Eiszele, D. & Stevenson, L. (1994) The Endeavour Program: Challenge, choice and change:A guide to developing skills in parenting, communication and living, New Town Tasmania: Centacare. Curran, D. (1989) Working with Parents. Dolores Curran’s guide to successful parent groups, Circle Pines, Minnesota: American Guidance Service. Douglas, T. (2000) Basic Group work, Crows Nest, NSW: Allen & Unwin. Douglas, T. (1992) A Handbook of Common Group Work Problems, London: Routledge. Elias, M.J., Tobias, S.E. & Friedlander, B.S. (1999) Emotionally Intelligent Parenting—How to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child, Sydney: Doubleday. Jenkin, C. (1988) Planning Happy Families—A kit for leaders, Melbourne: ACER Press. Jenkin, C. & Bretherton, D. (1994) PACE: Parenting adolescents, A creative experience! Melbourne: ACER Press. Kroehnert, G. (2001) 100 Training Games, Sydney: McGraw-Hill. Leigh, E. & Kinder, J. (2001) Learning through Fun and Games—40 games and simulations for trainers, facilitators and managers, Sydney: McGraw-Hill. McDermott, F. (2002) Inside Group work—A guide to reflective practice, Crows Nest, NSW: Allen & Unwin. Richards, S. & Khan, N. (1990) My Child—My self: A twelve week parenting skills course for parents experiencing difficulties in relationships with their pre school aged children, Ryde, NSW: Family Support Services Association of NSW Inc.

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From Strength to Strength

HANDOUT

Name of group Date [optional]

Pressing Issue The issue raised was: [insert a brief description of the issue raised, using non-identifiable data]

Suggestions received from the group were: [insert the various suggestions received from the group with the favoured suggestion first]

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From Strength to Strength

LETTER

Letter of encouragement to be sent to participants in between sessions. Use organisational letterhead if this is appropriate, otherwise choose plain paper, perhaps headed with the name of the particular group.

Date _____________________ Dear ____________________________ [insert first name of participant] Thank you for your participation in _______________________________________ [name of the parent group]

Your comments and ideas are very welcome. Your homework planned in the group this week was

Look after yourself and I/we look forward to seeing you next ____________________________________ [insert day of the week that the group is held]. Best wishes _________________________________________________ [insert group facilitator’s name and/or the co-facilitator’s name]

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From Strength to Strength

SESSION PLANNER

Session date: Session week number: Session objectives:

Materials required and persons responsible:

Special points to remember:

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From Strength to Strength

WEEKLY EVALUATION FORM

Session date: Session number: Number of participants:

[include those who were absent, whether they had informed the facilitators prior to the group or not]

What (if any) was the pressing issue that was raised in the group, and by whom?

What were the major group process issues?

What could you change about the structure or nature of the group this week to improve it for the next week?

Is there any individual or group follow-up that needs to take place before the next session?

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Section

2

Background information for core modules Preparation and background information

29

Parent group categories

29

Strength-based, emotional wellbeing and community building strategies

29

Additional/optional topics

30

Resources

30

Child development

31

The rights movement in Australia

31

Adolescence

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Resources

34

Behaviour and discipline

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References

36

Resources

36

Communication Resources

Emotional wellbeing Resources

37 38

39 41

and background Preparation information The following core modules have been developed for facilitators to incorporate into the design of their particular parent group, depending on parent needs. In our experience, parents attending a parent group will identify a range of issues that often can be incorporated into one of four core topic areas as follows: Child development (including adolescence) Behaviour and discipline Communication Emotional wellbeing Parents attending a mainstream parent group in which they are given the opportunity to choose the content topics for the course of the group sessions will invariably select topics that can be categorised under any of these four core topic areas. There is no logical order through which parent groups need to move in order to cover the topics. Each parent group should be able to determine the topic contents in the order that they wish, and this will depend on the issues that are raised by parents in the first group session. The information within these core modules gives an outline of the theoretical underpinnings of each of the topics, together with any other important information relating to the topic. Read this information before presenting that topic to any general group of parents with children in the age groups outlined below.

Parent group categories The core modules have been categorised as follows: Parents of children aged 0–5 years Parents of children aged 6–10 years Parents of young adolescents aged 11–14 years Parents of adolescents aged 15–18 years Parents with children in the same age group are likely to be experiencing similar joys and frustrations and to have children with similar developmental and behavioural issues. Being in a group with other parents who have children at the same age provides a safe environment in which parents can explore and share their parenting experiences. Parents with children at the same age can readily empathise with each other as well as normalise their parenting experiences by hearing the stories of others in the same stage of parenting. Age groupings have been separated into four discreet categories as the behaviours, needs and developmental stages of each have unique characteristics.

Strength-based, emotional wellbeing and community building strategies Each group session should ensure that the opportunity exists for parents to participate in the three broad approaches that this manual promotes: strength-based, emotional wellbeing and community building. d oun kgr bac d an on rati repa mation 29 P 2 infor ti o n c e S

Strength-based strategies A strength-based focus concentrates on building on, developing and emphasising the positive gains parents have made. Facilitators should focus on opportunities to provide feedback to parents on their strengths as a parent and as a person in their own right. This can occur during the ‘check-in’ time in the group, during the homework review and in the interactive tasks that parents undertake during the session.

Emotional wellbeing The emotional wellbeing emphasis of the group can be discussed and relevant interactive exercises undertaken during the content topic time in the group. Facilitating emotional wellbeing involves a focus on feelings and emotions between parents and children.

Community building Community building is a gradual and developmental process that will occur within the group as parents become more confident in themselves and as they become more familiar with and trusting of group members. Facilitators need to ensure that there is always opportunity for parents to talk informally, and should provide activities in the group that can facilitate the sharing of information about local communities and community development activities.

Additional/optional topics There are a number of specific content topics that often arise in parent groups. Those most commonly requested are: Bullying Homework Loss and grief Siblings Transition stages These additional or optional topics are briefly outlined, including background and issues for facilitators to consider when these additional topics are incorporated into a group session when requested by parents.

Resources Biddulph, S. (1997) Raising Boys, Sydney: Finch Publishing. Irvine, J. (1998) Who’d Be a Parent? The manual that should have come with the kids, Sydney: Pan Macmillan Australia. Eastman, M. (1994) We’re OK, Secrets of happy families, Melbourne: HarperCollins. Mellor, K. & E. (1999) Parent Craft—Essential skills for raising children from infancy to adulthood, Sydney: Finch Publishing. Gray, J. (1999) Children are from Heaven—Positive parenting skills for raising cooperative confident and compassionate children, Sydney: Pan Macmillan.

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BACKGROUND INFORMATION: To be read before delivering sessions on the four core topics

C hild development Two dominant and competing theories of children’s development were put forward over the past century.The mechanistic theory saw the child born as a ‘blank slate’, with the environment being the major influence over his or her development. According to this view, parents have the ability to affect child development in a profound way through the application of rewards and punishments. The alternative, organic theory attributed natural virtues and an innate capacity for reasoning to the child. The primary role for parents was to nurture and encourage children. These two competing views of child development remained separate for a long time. More recently, however, there has been an acceptance that both ‘nature and nurture’ are major influences in the developmental process. In previous generations, parents thought they were doing the right thing by their children by imposing such rules as ‘children should be seen and not heard’, ‘children should only speak when they are spoken to’ and ‘do as I say and not what I do’.This method of parenting resulted in placing children’s self-esteem at risk by the humiliating, disempowering and controlling ways of handling children’s behaviour, such as verbal abuse, physical violence and not acknowledging emotions.The relationship was authoritative, with parents holding all the power, leaving children without rights. An understanding of children’s developmental stages is essential, as it helps us to separate children’s ‘developmental behaviour’ from ‘misbehaviour’. Knowledge of the stages of child development assists parents in setting realistic expectations and limits that allow the child to have the best chance of growing up in a world in which it is possible to achieve his or her full potential. Having positive and respectful relationships with adults and others is what is necessary for children to grow and develop to their full potential. This relationship needs to be based on trust, and it is crucial for this relationship that adults caring for children do not abuse this trust.

The rights movement in Australia Since the 1960s, community groups have been demanding their rights; for example, women demanding the right not to have children if they do not want to; fathers having the right to care for their children if they want to; gay and lesbian people fighting for their rights to be considered equal in the community by having their relationships legally sanctioned, and to be parents; people with disabilities wishing to be acknowledged as capable and contributing citizens in the community. In 1991 Australia became a signatory of the United Nations Convention for the Rights of the Child (UN CROC). This convention protects children’s right to be considered full participating members of Australian society who are cared for and protected as all other citizens. There is a growing acceptance in the community of children having some basic rights as to how they are to be treated by adults. Children have the right to exercise their rights and responsibilities. Adults have the responsibility of helping children decide how they want to contribute to society and to accept the responsibilities that accompany their choices.

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Children need to be helped to feel good about themselves and to stand up for themselves. Children need to be helped to make good decisions and to learn to collaborate and cooperate with others. In order to fulfill their obligations as responsible citizens, children also need to learn and understand the rules for behaving in a socially acceptable manner. The norms of child development and the ways and ages at which children develop physical (gross and fine motor skills), language, social, emotional and cognitive (intellectual) skills have been documented by a number of authors. It is important for parents to understand that these form a very broad base from which professionals can identify whether or not children are developing within a normal developmental range. Children develop at their own rate (within the broad norms) and will usually concentrate on one area of development at a time. This is why it is unwise to compare children’s development even at the same age, as the chances are that one child may be concentrating on language and another on physical development. While physical, language and cognitive development in children have been well documented, emotional development has not been as extensively researched. Emotional development is not as visible as physical or language development, yet research is suggesting that nurturing a child’s emotional development is crucial to allowing the other areas to develop to their full potential.

Adolescence Adolescence is a term that refers to the period between childhood and adulthood; the process of growing up and maturing. Adolescence can be a difficult period for young people and their families. There is no single ‘ritual’ or ‘rite of passage’ in Australian society that announces to the world that the child is now an adult. At one end of the spectrum, the onset of puberty (the physiological signs of adulthood) is now appearing earlier in children. At the other end of the spectrum, where employment is considered a rite of passage into adulthood, young people are remaining in the education system for longer periods while other young people are unable to obtain employment, thereby prolonging the stage of adolescence. If leaving home is a rite of passage into adulthood, then the fact that there are more young people remaining in the family home today than in the previous generation indicates a protracted adolescence—yet developmentally these people are adults. Young people need to break away from being dependent on their parents to semi- and eventually fully independent behaviour. This period of development covers important transition periods: the transition from primary to secondary school, from secondary school into the workforce or tertiary education. It may involve leaving home to live independently and the first independent, extended travel experience. Associated with these transition points are loss and grief by both parents and young people. Young people may grieve leaving primary school and the friendships formed there. They may grieve at the onset of puberty and the feeling that they are alone, are not changing at the same rate as others, or look different. Very often, young people have a very fragile sense of self through these years. Parents may feel a sense of loss and grief as they see their child become a young person showing obvious signs of adulthood.The young person thinks he or she needs his or her parents less, and parents may feel completely left out of their young person’s life. Parents have to work hard to keep the communication lines open with their young person, even though she or he often appears to be closing down the communication avenues. It is important for parents to know that they are still the most significant people in their young person’s life, even though that may not be the signals they are getting from their young person.

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This stage of adolescence is just that, a stage. Parents who allow the process of ‘letting go’ to happen in a spirit of harmony and optimism will see their young people ‘return’ to them in a different relationship, more as friends and equals. However, young people constantly need parents—someone who is a good listener, non-judgmental, loves unconditionally, is available and who provides a safe and secure environment that allows them to take the necessary steps to adulthood. Parents need to care for themselves all through their child’s childhood and adolescence. It needs to be acknowledged that often when children are going through adolescence, parents may be going through their own life-transition points. Parents may be experiencing such life stages as menopause, or may be thinking about their next stage of life, ‘the empty nest’, retirement, change of career or return to study. Often at this time in the life cycle, a parent’s own parents may become ill, frail, unable to live alone and more dependent on their children. This is a crucial time for parents to take time out for themselves and their primary relationship, and reassess life goals and priorities. Adolescents need the following from their parents/family/community: To be loved and accepted unconditionally To have somewhere, preferably within their own family, that they can feel secure and safe and know they are always welcome To be listened to and have views and opinions appreciated To be allowed to take more control over their lives Rights and responsibilities shared by both the young person and parents Parents who are prepared to travel through the stage of adolescence with the adolescent Support for their goals in life Parents who are themselves supported in their parenting role Parents who sometimes say “no” To have other adult role models outside their family who can provide support and understanding To have their strengths, ideals, energy and vision celebrated To have their self-esteem, confidence and resilience continually enhanced. Open communication is the key to parents living through adolescence with the relationship between the parents and young people remaining intact. Open communication means listening to what young people are saying and allowing opinions to be shared and debated even when there is disagreement about the opinions expressed. All decisions about the young person’s behaviour and life need to be made with the young person. Many more of the decisions will need to be made by the young person him- or herself, such as subjects studied at school. Parents need to ‘let go’ of some of the decisions they previously made when their children were younger and allow the young people to start to make some of their own decisions (whether the parents agree with these decisions or not!).

Tasks of adolescence It is important for parents to understand the developmental tasks their young people are working on during the period of adolescence. The major tasks are as follows: Independence. Moving away from parents and other adults to be an independent identity. Establishment of a work identity and economic independence is the last stage of independence that can often be delayed due to extended education or difficulty finding employment. Accepting their bodies. The question “Am I normal?” and the constant exposure to measuring themselves against unrealistic role models in the media.

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A sense of adult self-identity. Discovery of their own ideals, opinions, values and ideals. Questioning, discovery and acceptance of sexual identity. From a revulsion and fear about the onset of puberty to an awareness of the power of hormones and the realisation that sexuality is a major part of the adult world through workplaces, sporting and recreation activities and the media. Parents may face a range of behaviours and emotions from their adolescents during this period. These could include: Anger and hostility as the young person moves away from parents and is more influenced by the peer group. There may be differences between what the peer group wants from the young person and the parents’ expectations. This could include unsafe risk taking such as driving unlicensed, ‘binge drinking’ and unsafe experimentation with drugs. Questioning whether their physical development is normal. Adolescents are worried that they are too short, too tall, that they are developing too quickly or too slowly. Arguments between parents and adolescent as the adolescent struggles with choices between further study and the desire to earn money. Testing parental authority and beliefs. This can include rude and unacceptable behaviour towards family members as well as rejecting parents’ values and beliefs. It is important for parents to continue to provide a safe, nurturing environment for their adolescent in which he or she can find a sounding board and refuge. However, parents need to set an example for young people about their own rights, by being assertive themselves. During the period of adolescence parents need to: Set goals for themselves Live their own life and have their own time Treat themselves with the same respect they give others Express their feelings and opinions about others’ behaviour in terms of how it affects them (for instance using ‘I’ messages) Say “no” to requests that have unacceptable risks to safety Make and live with mistakes Choose to behave assertively if they want to Change their mind Slow down and think before answering Say what they think without putting anyone down. It is important for parents to look after themselves so that they are able to be supportive and available to their adolescents. It is also important for parents to remember what it was like for them when they were adolescents.

Resources Allen, K. & Morotz, L. (1994) Developmental Profiles—Pre Birth through Eight, New York: Delmar. Berk, L. (1997) Child Development (5th edition), Sydney: Allen & Bacon. Brazelton, T. (1996) Touchpoints, Sydney: Doubleday. Kaplan, P. (1999) A Child’s Odyssey: Child and adolescent development, Belmont, CA: Wadsworth. Myers, B. (1996) Raising Responsible Teenagers. Melbourne: ACER Press. Sheridan, M. (1997) From Birth to Five Years, Melbourne: ACER Press. Searle, R. (1993) Watch Me Grow, set of five videos about the developing child (0–5 years), NSW: NSW Project for Isolated Children.

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Behaviour and discipline The term ‘discipline’ is most commonly associated with the negative, with the act of punishing a particular action. ‘Discipline’, however, is derived from the Latin word disco, which means ‘to teach, to learn’. Discipline is not punishment; to discipline is to teach and/or to model behaviour that encourages self-discipline. In order to discipline their children, parents have the dual role of both teacher and role model in demonstrating to their child what ‘to do’ as well as what not to do. Effective discipline helps children feel good about themselves and is strongly linked to high self-esteem and selfdiscipline. Children who feel good about themselves are likely to become self-disciplined adults. Effective discipline provides children with safe and secure limits that change and adapt as the child grows and matures towards adulthood and independence. Knowledge of developmental stages is essential to ensuring that parents of a child/toddler have realistic expectations of their child, consistent with his or her age and stage. In disciplining a child, it is important to focus primarily on reinforcing positive behaviour; that is, the parent telling the child when she or he likes what the child is doing. The child then receives attention and is rewarded for being good. This contrasts with a focus of attention on negative behaviour and with the consequence being some form of punishment. Styles of discipline can be loosely categorised as authoritative, permissive or developmental in approach. Authoritative discipline is characterised by non-negotiable instruction, commands like “You must not …”, “You cannot …”, “I won’t let you …”. This style of discipline does not teach the child the reason behind the command. The authoritative style of discipline is characterised by bullying and intimidation; because the adult is bigger and ‘in charge’, he or she gains temporary control of the child’s behaviour. Permissive discipline is at the other extreme, where the parent is unwilling to set limits or boundaries on a child’s behaviour. This eventually leads to the child feeling out of control, with his or her behaviour becoming more and more extreme in an attempt to let the parent know that limits are needed. Developmental discipline is a form of discipline that recognises the developmental age and stage of the individual child. The child is given more responsibility as she or he is able to manage it. Developmental discipline is characterised by encouragement, praise, consistency and respect. There is much research to substantiate the physical and emotional hurt that children carry through to adulthood, and sometimes onto their own children, when physical violence is used. Rowe (1998) discusses what happens to children who are physically punished. When parents (the trusted adults in their lives) are out of control, the child is unable to articulate “I am being unjustly punished by bad parents”, so he or she reframes the situation to say “I am bad and am being justly punished by my good parents”. When this physical punishment continues throughout childhood, a child will rationalise what was done to her or him in the context of what she or he will do to others. Their thinking is that “I am bad and am being justly punished by my good parents and when I grow up I will punish bad people in the way I was punished”. And so the cycle continues with those children as parents physically hurting their own children. Rowe (1998) states “The tragedy about adults who say that they were physically punished as children and it did not do them any harm is that they do not know that they were harmed”. Parents often challenge the notion that they shouldn’t or can’t physically punish their children. Below are some common questions and comments from parents, along with some suggested responses that emphasise a positive approach to discipline: u avio Beh 2 tion Sec

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“I was smacked and it didn’t do me any harm.” Yes, but today’s world is more violent and aggressive than ever, so do parents really want to add to that? “Smacking works— it stops the ‘bad’ behaviour.” In the short term it might, but it doesn’t teach the child a more appropriate behaviour and it can damage the parent–child relationship. “Sometimes I just lose it with my child.” Parenting is not easy; it constantly tests parents’ patience. If children look to their parents as role models, they need to be shown ways to solve problems that do not involve ‘losing it’. Parents usually use physical punishment on their children when they have ‘lost control’ of their feelings and their behaviour. From Strength to Strength advocates strong, trusting and nurturing relationships between parents and children, and only embraces discipline techniques that allow this to happen. ‘Time out’ is another form of discipline that has been used as punitive punishment. As parents began to realise that using physical and punitive punishment was damaging parent–child relationships, separating the child from the volatile situation was a strategy embraced. However, ‘time out’ became the norm for some families, rather than the exception, and children were isolated and humiliated for long, inappropriate periods of time, which could be as damaging as using physical punishment. Time out is inappropriate to use with any child under five years of age. The feelings behind the behaviour of children of this age need to be recognised; chances are that children ‘misbehaving’ are really tired, hungry, angry or becoming ill. They need to be nurtured and understood, not punished. Separating children to give them a chance to ‘cool off’ is just that—separating them, allowing them to play quietly alone or redirecting them to another activity.This is not done with anger or malice. Sending children to their bedrooms ‘to think about what they have done’ when both parent and child are angry is destructive and pointless. The child is likely to trash her or his room, and the parent stomps around angrily. In this manual, the instruction to take ‘time out’ means parents need to take a deep breath and walk away from an angry or out-of-control situation with their child.The parent can return when she or he is back in control. Parents need to model for their children how to control their anger and behaviour. Parents need to learn how to recognise growing anger in their bodies and take positive action to release that anger in an appropriate way while showing their children how to do the same.

References Rowe, D. (1998) Documentary Loving Smacks, produced and directed by Victor S. Schonfeld, published by Beyond the Frame for Channel 4.

Resources Children of Australia (1994) 101 Alternatives to whacking your child, National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (available from the NAPCAN branch in your state or territory). Leach, P. (1993) ‘Should Parents Hit Their Children?’, The Psychologist, 6, pp. 218–220. Linke, P. (ed.)(1996) Practical Parenting 1 –5Years, South Australia: Child and Youth Health SA. Linke, P. (1994) Practical Parenting 6 –12 Years, Melbourne: ACER Press. Magarey Institute (1995) Behaviour Management in Context, A very good place to start … South Australia: Magarey Institute, Child and Youth Health, AECA Inc., PO Box 105,Watson ACT 2602. Mitchell, G. & Dewsnap, L. (1995) Common Sense Discipline: Building self-esteem in young children, Castle Hill, NSW: Pademelon Press.

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Communication The art of communicating openly and honestly is a major life skill. While the process of communication can be described relatively simply, utilising this process accurately is often difficult. Both verbal (language) and non-verbal gestures are used in communication. Good communication between any two people involves a two-way process of talking and listening/hearing. Communication is most effective when both people involved are able to speak and feel that they are heard and understood. Statements starting with ‘I’ make the message behind verbal communication very clear. As a child grows and develops, communication becomes one primarily of talking and listening. Still important, though, is non-verbal communication signals—using eyes, expressions, feelings and touching, for example. The foundations of good communication laid down in the early and primary school years come into play when children are in their pre-adolescence. This is not to say that good communication is impossible to achieve without this foundation; it is possible with lots of hard work to change old patterns and habits—just more difficult with this age group. While the 11- to 14-year-old is entering first pre-puberty and then puberty itself, he or she will be experiencing the physical, hormonal and associated emotional changes that accompany this transitional stage. Good communication between parent and child during this period of development ensures that trust, respect and honesty are maintained and developed. It is also crucial for the parent to know when to approach her or his child and initiate communication, and when the timing is not right to do so. Pressures on young people aged 15 to 18 years are enormous. Most young people are still completing their secondary education, with more pressure on them to continue their formal education once they finish their secondary school studies. Communication between child and parent continues to be critical to the building of an understanding and mutually respectful relationship. Communication with adolescents will, by virtue of the nature of the changes adolescents are experiencing, often lead to conflict within the family. Skills of conflict resolution are essential for parents if communication is to remain open, honest and respectful. For parents communicating with their adolescent, it is important to remember (as it was when their children were toddlers) that it is not the child/teenager that they do not like but rather her or his behaviour (or attitude). Conflict is better resolved if attention is focused on the ‘problem’ and not the participants. For parents it is important to identify who ‘owns’ the problem. Rather than the parent taking sole responsibility for the adolescent’s problems, she or he needs to determine whether the problem lies with him- or herself, or with the adolescent. Parents need to create opportunities for open, free-flowing conversations with their adolescents. This may be late at night (such as when the adolescent should be going to bed and knows he or she is on ‘borrowed time’), or it might be when the parent is transporting the adolescent in the car—not having eye contact can greatly facilitate the flow of communication! Watching a teenage soap opera on television together can also assist communication between parent and adolescent by providing opportunities for discussion of situations that occur in the soap opera. Issues such as teenage relationships, various risk-taking behaviours (experimenting with alcohol and other drugs and having unprotected sex) are recurring themes

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in popular soap operas and can provide valuable opportunities for parents to raise real and valid issues with their adolescent in a non-confronting manner. Questions such as “Why do you think he or she did that?”, “What would you have done if you were X?” and “Do you think it was fair of X’s parent to do that?” can assist the flow of thoughts, values, attitudes and beliefs between parents and adolescents. Young children, from toddlers to beginning primary school, talk to their parents so they will listen, answer and solve their problems for them. Children in the early years of primary school sometimes want their parents to just listen and sometimes they want their parents to solve the problem. By the time children are completing primary school and starting secondary school they generally only want their parents to listen to them. A common problem is that often the parent is solving the child’s problems when the child/young person is old enough to do this by him- or herself, and only wants the parent to listen. Children will stop talking to their parents if they feel they are not being listened to. A major technique for facilitating communication is called ‘active listening’. Active listening can help people to learn how to listen and help the talker do the problem solving. The steps to active listening are as follows: 1

‘Tune in’ to the person’s feelings, observe the body language and comment on these. (“You look like you’ve been in the wars/unhappy/had a bad day”, for example.) This invites the child to speak about what is happening. Often if you ask a child “What’s wrong?” he or she will answer “Nothing”, and the conversation stops. By commenting on your observation of the child’s body language you can often encourage the conversation to go a little further.

2

Check out what the child said, making sure you have got it right, by paraphrasing what she or he said. This invites the child to say more, as he or she knows you are really listening.

3

Check with the child about what she or he can do, or is going to do. (For example, “Whose problem is it?”) Ask the child how he or she felt then and feels now and what she or he wants to happen.

You may need your child’s permission to take action, or he or she may want to solve it him- or herself (of course, any kind of bullying or abuse is the parent’s responsibility to solve and you must take action). Open communication is the key to a good relationship between parents and children.

Resources Deal, R. (2002) The Wrong Stone, Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. Faber, M. (1980) How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk, New York: Rawson Wade. Kotzman, A. (1995) Listen to Me, Listen to You. Interpersonal skills training manual and masters, Melbourne: ACER Press. McKay, H. (1998) The Good Listener—Better relationships through better communication, Sydney: Pan Macmillan. Mulvaney, A. (1995) Talking with Kids: How to improve communication in your relationship with your children, East Roseville, NSW: Simon and Schuster. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources A pocket of stones; Stones have feelings too (card pack), available from www.acerpress.com.au. A website of feeling words: http://eqi.org/fw.htm.

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Emotional wellbeing The term ‘emotional wellbeing’ is used throughout this manual to describe a range of factors incorporating self-esteem, hope, optimism and resilience. Emotional wellbeing refers to the importance of children and young people, how they feel about themselves and how they think the world perceives them. It is acknowledged that children and young people need a healthy, robust emotional wellbeing to be able to achieve and be the best person they can possibly be. The concept of self-esteem as an individual trait has attracted some controversy over the ways in which children and young people are perceived to actually acquire it. On one side of the argument is the role of parents and others important in the child’s/young person’s life. Acknowledging, praising and encouraging anything that is done well by the child/young person is seen as one way of helping a child/young person to acquire a high self-esteem. On the other side of the argument is the notion that children/young people themselves need to believe that the acknowledgement, praise or encouragement offered by parents and others is valid and that they are worthy of it. Children/young people do not respond positively if they feel the acknowledgement, praise or encouragement is given superficially or without validity. Emotional wellbeing includes high self-esteem as well as an optimistic outlook on life and the world, together with a sense of hope about their own future and confidence to deal with life’s situations. People have a choice about how they view a glass that has some water in it. An optimist, or someone with hope and optimism, is someone who will perceive the glass to be ‘half full’ of water. A person with a negative view of him- or herself and the world will see the glass as ‘half empty’. Optimism allows people to take a risk, try new things and accept the outcome (whether a success or failure) as an experience and something from which to learn. Optimism also involves believing in the best outcome, striving towards it and persisting/practising, and then trying again. Resilience has been referred to as the ability of a child/young person to be able to cope with the rebuffs that life can present, and to bounce back. Children who are resilient are less likely to engage in dangerous risk-taking behaviours in their adolescent years, such as taking drugs (legal or illicit), driving dangerously and other self-harming behaviours. A range of both risk and protective factors affects children and young people throughout their lives. Children and young people who have more risk factors present in their lives than protective factors will be more likely to try dangerous risk-taking behaviours and see the glass of water as ‘half empty’. Protective factors act as a buffer against the ‘downs’ that occur in life. A parent’s role is to help her or his child/young person to acquire emotional wellbeing (comprising all the elements described above) by providing and guiding the child/young person towards the acquisition of protective factors that will act as a ‘buffer’ for the child/young person throughout his or her life. Imagine a baby born with two baskets, one on each side. One basket is called ‘protective factors’ and contains affirmations, praise, high self-esteem, encouragement and acknowledgements.

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The other basket is called ‘risk factors’ and contains put-downs, sarcasm, bullying, low selfesteem and neglect. As the baby grows and starts its life journey, the child/young person will come across a range of situations and interactions every day. The effect of these on the child/young person will go into either of the baskets. The basket that has most in it will be the basket that the child/young person has most experience with, knows more intimately.This is the basket that the child/young person will refer to when facing a new experience. If the child/young person has more in the risk factor basket, the expected outcomes and the child’s/young persons’s response to new experiences will be dictated by previous outcomes and other experiences already in the risk factor basket. If a child/young person is going through life with an encouraging, rewarding and affirming outcome from every new experience, then these outcomes will go into the protective factors basket. When the child/young person comes across a new experience he or she will look into the protective factor basket and see that the previous experiences (whether they have been successful or not) have not been damaging. This child/young person will have the courage to give this new experience a try, knowing that if it does not go well she or he will be able to cope. Children and young people need their protective factor basket to be well over ‘half full’ and their risk factor basket much closer to empty. Some risk factor experiences can add a healthy balance to a child/young person’s life as long as the protective factor basket has plenty in it. Protective factors can be identified as both environmental and personal. Environmental protective factors include: Connected to school through participation, affirmation and strong anti-bullying policies Connected to the peer group Connected to one or some teachers through their warmth and availability Connected to one adult outside the family Connected to the family through open communication, warmth and affection Connected to the community through involvement; for example, in sport or religious activities Personal protective factors include: Optimistic and helpful thinking skills Social skills in groups, with friends and adults Life management skills such as decision-making, problem-solving, time management and task achievement Personal traits such as understanding emotions and using socially appropriate outlets to express emotions. When facilitating a session on emotional wellbeing, it is essential to begin with the parents’ own emotional wellbeing. Parents need to have an understanding of how they feel about themselves and how they see themselves being able to help their children acquire healthy, robust emotional wellbeing. Parents need to be able to explore those things that affect their emotional wellbeing as well as that of their children. This may include: having realistic expectations of self listening to their own ‘self-talk’, focusing on the positives creating regular success experiences accepting positive feedback from others evaluating negative feedback giving positive feedback to others.

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Parents can help their children develop emotional wellbeing by: Guiding children to realise their strengths (and that it is all right to have weaknesses) Helping children to turn around negative and unhelpful self-talk Giving encouragement to persist when things go wrong Sharing with their children their own experiences of when things have gone wrong and the strategies that they used to handle the situation Helping children to see courage as being prepared to face situations Assisting children to understand their feelings and emotions and having a vocabulary to express these feelings verbally as well as release them in an appropriate way.

Resources Barton, S. & Ingram (2001) Building Your Teenager’s Self-esteem—Enjoy being a parent again, Melbourne: Anne O’Donovan Publishing. Burns, T. (1996) From Risk to Resilience: A journey with heart for our children, our future, Dallas, Texas: Marco Polo Publishers. Clemes, H. & Bean, R. (1990) How to Raise Children’s Self-esteem, Highett, Victoria, Australia: Hawker Brownlow Education. Elias, M., Tobias, S. & Friedlander, B. (1999) Emotionally Intelligent Parenting—How to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child, Sydney: Doubleday. Frydenberg, E. (ed.) (1999) Learning to Cope: Developing as a person in complex societies, New York: Oxford University Press. Henderson, N. & Milstein, M. (1996) Resiliency in School, Thousand Oaks, California: Corwin Press. Illsley, J. (1978) Self-esteem: A family affair, New York: HarperCollins. Jenkin, C. & McGenniss, A. (2000) A Parent’s Treasure Chest: Exploring the path to resilience, Melbourne: Commonwealth Department of Health and Aged Care. Joseph, J. (1994) The Resilient Child, New York: Plenum Press. Shapiro, L. (1997) How to Raise a Child with a High EQ (Emotional Quotient): A parent’s guide to emotional intelligence, New York: HarperCollins. Steiner, S. & Perry, P. (1999) Achieving Emotional Literacy, London: Bloomsbury Publishing. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (see the website at www.stlukes.org.au and www.acerpress.com.au) publishes a range of resources, mostly in card form. These can be used in groups to explore feelings, self-esteem, resilience and strengths. Each card set also has a sticker set to match. They can be used in all the modules in this manual: Strength Cards and Strength Cards for kids Bear Cards Angels with Attitude I Can Monsters Reflexions Photolanguage is a set of photos depicting scenes, people and situations that can be used to explore feelings, perceptions and dreams.

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Section

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Session content for core modules 0–5 years

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Child development

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Behaviour and discipline

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Communication

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Emotional wellbeing

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6–10 years

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Child development

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Behaviour and discipline

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Communication

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Emotional wellbeing

67

11–14 years

70

Child development

70

Behaviour and discipline

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Communication

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Emotional wellbeing

80

15–18 years

83

Adolescent development

83

Behaviour and discipline

86

Communication

89

Emotional wellbeing

92

0-5

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Child development Aims For parents to begin to understand their child’s stage of development For parents to explore the importance of understanding child development and its effect on their relationships with their children

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Place chairs in a circle with one in the middle. Begin by making a parenting statement such as “All those with boys as their first born”. The parents to whom this refers must get up and move to another chair. The person in the middle must try to get to a chair within the circle. The person left over takes the chair in the middle and makes a statement or asks a question. This warm-up can finish after a few turns. Ideas for statements/questions: Who dyes their hair? Who has had more than three cups of coffee today? All those who slept more than four hours continuously last night?

2

Choose a positive adjective for each person in the group that starts with the same letter as her or his name; for example, ‘Lovely Linda’, ‘Pretty Prue’, ‘Delightful Denis’.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach and incorporating the group members’ own knowledge and ideas, address any pressing issue that a group participant chooses to bring up in the group.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK From birth, children develop at different rates. It is meaningless to compare children of the same age or even siblings within families, as children all develop at their own individual rate. One child will be developing her or his gross motor skills while another child at the same age may be developing language. Children under 3 years of age do not ‘misbehave’; their behaviour is usually reflective of their developmental stage. The following are usual causes for perceived misbehaviour: • A difference between the child’s and parents’ perception of time. For example, it may be a struggle to get a child under 3 years of age ready and out the door by a certain time to meet the needs of the parent (such as getting to work). • A clash between parent and child when the child wants to be independent in his or her dressing and the parent wants to assist. >>

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• The seemingly inappropriate behaviour of the 3-year-old in an adult environment such as a bank or doctor’s surgery; for example, climbing on or under furniture or talking loudly. (There is more discussion of this under the content heading of behaviour and discipline.) Understanding emotional development is extremely important at all ages. All children show feelings through their behaviour, so it is important for parents to be able to start understanding their own feelings in relation to their child’s behaviour and to recognise the possible feelings behind their children’s behaviour. Parents need to show empathy for their children’s feelings, acknowledge these feelings in their children and understand and tell their children that all feelings are normal and acceptable.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 46 as a guide for group brainstorming activities.

Activity Parents with children of the same age can discuss what they know about their children under the headings: Language development Physical development Social and emotional development Cognitive development (intellectual) There are several different ways that this activity might be facilitated. 1

Parents in four small groups work on one area each, discussing the differences in the age groups under those headings.

2

If the group is made up of parents with children in the range of ages 0–5 years, then each group may look at all four headings but for one specific age group only. One group may look at the four areas for the 0–12 month age group, another group the years 1–2, another group 2–3 years etc., and each of these groups look at all four headings.

3

A variation of 2: parents stay in the groups focusing on age groupings, but only work on one or two headings.

4

The group is small and thus remains as a single group working on all four headings.

Allow 15 minutes for this activity, as parents will be chatting and sharing their information. Be available for questions, but let the group explore the topic in its own way. Bring small groups back to the larger group and discuss findings. Ask questions in order to encourage discussion: “What did you discover?” Parents may find that they know more about their children’s development than they thought they did. Parents may discover what developmental tasks their child is working on at the moment; that the normal timeframes for developmental stages are very broad—for example, babies start walking at any time from 9 months to 18 months of age. Some crawl, some start with a ‘bottom shuffle’, while others take a long time to conquer each step from rolling to walking, and yet others miss stages or stay in each stage for a long time. Explain to the group that all these differences and time frames are normal. Parents may recognise that it is unrealistic to compare same-age children and their developmental levels; that each and every child will develop in her or his own time. It is important for parents to try to understand the emotions/feelings behind children’s behaviours, acknowledge the emotions, and let the child know that all emotions such as sadness, anger, happiness are all normal and all right to experience.

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Encourage parents to seek professional help if they are worried about their child’s development, rather than listen to a range of opinions from family and friends.

Homework Ask parents to observe their children during the week, to see whether they are able to determine what area of development they are working on. How can the parent assist the child to achieve the goal of this work?

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to share one thing that they are enjoying about their child at the moment.

2

Ask each parent to share one thing she or he is going to do (or would like to do) for heror himself during the week. (You could write these up and hand them out the following week as ideas for parents to use in the future.)

Resources Allen, K. & Morotz, L. (1994) Developmental profiles—Pre Birth through Eight, New York: Delmar. Berk, L. (1997) Child Development, 5th edition, Sydney: Allen & Bacon. Brazelton, T. (1996) Touchpoints, Sydney: Doubleday. Kaplan, P. (1999) A Child’s Odyssey: Child and adolescent development, Belmont, California: Wadsworth Publications. Linke, P. (ed.)(1996) Practical Parenting 1–5 years, South Australia: Child and Youth Health SA. Sheridan, M. (1997) From Birth to Five Years, Melbourne: ACER Press. Searle (1993) Watch Me Grow, set of five videos about the developing child (0–5 years), NSW Project for Isolated Children. http://bubhub.com.au

An Australian directory of pregnancy, baby, toddler and parenting services, organised by state/territory www.birth.com.au

An Australian website for pregancy and birth information and resources

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From Strength to Strength

HANDOUT

0–5 years: Child development Every child is an individual and will develop in her or his own way and in his or her own time.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 0–5 years develop physically:

Ways in which children aged 0–5 years develop socially and emotionally:

Ways in which children aged 0–5 years develop cognitively (intellectually)

Positive strategies for parents to use to assist their children through these stages of development:

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Behaviour and discipline Aims For parents to develop emotional intelligence; that is, to begin to understand what their child’s behaviour is telling them about the child’s needs and feelings For parents to be able to distinguish between the concepts of discipline and punishment

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Have some small chocolate bars for prizes. Select three ‘judges’ from the group and give them some time together to devise a points system. Participants then come before the judges, one at a time, and try to convince them that they should win the chocolate bar. Note:You could lead some discussion around children and their persuasiveness.

2

Ask participants to form pairs. One person in each pair forms a fist while the other person tries to unfold that person’s fist. Give the group a minimum of instruction as to how to carry out the exercise. People generally will try to use physical force. In group discussion ask, “Did anyone succeed in unfolding the fist? How did you do it or try to do it? What might have been some alternative ways of unfolding the fist? (For example, asking the person politely, tickling him or her etc.) Why do we think of the physical alternatives first?” Lead some discussion on the value of looking for positive solutions first, rather than thinking of negative, physical ones.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Discipline should focus on showing and telling a child what to do, rather that what not to do. Children learn by example. Toddlers and pre-schoolers are naturally curious and inquisitive, so it is to be expected that they will touch and explore their environments. Parents need to be aware of the developmental stages of their children so that they can have realistic expectations of their child’s behaviour. It is important to plan for success and to praise positive behaviours, rather than focus on negative behaviours.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 49 as a guide for brainstorming in the group.

Group discussion Brainstorm with the group words to substitute for ‘discipline’. Emphasise that discipline is not necessarily punishment, and that to discipline means to teach and provide a role model for behaviour that is both desirable and acceptable.

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Ask the group to come up with examples of difficult behaviour they have recently experienced from their 0–5-year-old. Brainstorm within the group the possible causes of the behaviour; for example, tiredness, boredom, illness, frustration, arrival of a new sibling, curiosity. Misbehaviour can be planned for in a preventative sense. Brainstorm in the group how some of the behaviours identified could possibly be prevented. For example, by taking along snacks when shopping, keeping to consistent routines or having the younger child eat meals earlier than the rest of the family.

Homework Ask parents to ‘catch their child being good’—the aim is to give the child praise for good behaviour at least twice as much as punishing them/focusing on their negative behaviours.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Ask each parent to say two positive words about her or his strengths as a parent. The St. Luke’s Strength Cards could be used as a resource for this exercise.

2

Invite parents to share one strength they are working towards as a parent (again, Strength Cards can be used).

Resources Barker, R. (2001) Mighty Toddler, Sydney: Pan Macmillan. Linke, P. (ed.)(1996) Practical Parenting 1–5 years, Melbourne: Child and Youth Health South Australia. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources Strength Cards, see the website at www.stlukes.org.au. All of the following websites have general parenting information and links to other related and useful parent resource sites: www.parenting.sa.gov.au www.parentlink.act.gov.au www.nt.gov.au www.fcs.wa.gov.au www.families.qld.gov.au

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From Strength to Strength

HANDOUT

0–5 years: Behaviour and discipline Discipline means ‘to teach and to guide’, showing children and young people what to do rather than punish them for what not to do.

Group brainstorm activity Other words that can be used in place of ‘discipline’:

Ways in which children age 0–5 years misbehave:

Possible causes of the misbehaviours:

How do these behaviours relate to their age and stage of development?

Ways in which parents can respond to the (mis)behaviour:

Preventative strategies for the misbehaviour:

Some positive discipline strategies for this age group are:

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Communication Aims To give parents an understanding of how 0–5-year-olds communicate with the world, both verbally and non-verbally To give parents skills and strategies with which to communicate positively with their children

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Ask parents to form pairs. Each pair has a chair. One person stands on the chair and the other kneels below.They have a conversation on any of the following topics; “How was your weekend?”, “How did you get to the group?”, “How would you spend $1000?”. After 2 minutes, they switch positions and continue the conversation. Back in the larger group, ask parents: “How did it feel for both people? How do small children see, hear and experience the world? How do we communicate with small children?”

2

The first person (it is best to start with the facilitator) says, “My name is … and I like to…” [without speaking, they mime the action—read, eat, sleep, watch television etc.].The group collectively tries to guess the mime action. The second person then introduces the first person, “This is … and he or she likes to [say the action that was identified by the group], my name is … and I like to …”

Feedback This section allows parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent parenting issues that are raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Babies need food, water, air, protection and strokes—being caressed, being sung to, being cuddled, touched, talked to, rocked, carried, handled. Ashley Montagu (1971) states, “Among the most important of the newborn infant needs are the signals it receives through the skin, its first medium of communication with the outside world”. Babies who are not touched can experience depression, lack of appetite, weight loss and death. This condition is called ‘marasmus’, or wasting away. Touching a baby’s skin stimulates growth, both physical and mental.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 52 as a guide for brainstorming in the group. Lead a group brainstorm by asking the question “In what ways do newborn /small babies communicate?”

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Example Action

Intent

Crying

Hungry, tired, needs nappy change

Smiling

Satisfied, happy, has wind

Hands and feet moving

Happy, hungry, cross

Mouth opening

Hungry

Discuss the following in the group: Babies internalise communication before they become verbal. They need to learn what to say before they can say it. Children show their feelings through their behaviour. If children are behaving in ways that are different from usual then we need to think about what it is they might be trying to communicate. Adults are very verbal and often neglect non-verbal information; however, we are all very rapidly informed by the non-verbal behaviours of others. Explain the ‘active listening’ technique (see page 38) and then brainstorm in the group some ways in which parents can ask questions of their 0–5-year-old children. What are some positive ‘I’ messages that can be used?

Homework Ask parents to take an active interest in observing and listening to the ways in which their children are communicating with them—verbally and non-verbally. What is he or she trying to say?

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to share one aspect of their children’s communication that they are currently enjoying.

2

Invite parents to think about what communication skill they think their children are currently working on.

Resources Deal, R. (2002) The Wrong Stone (picture book), Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. Montagu, A. (1971) Touching:The human significance of skin, New York: Columbia. A website of feeling words: http://eqi.org/fw.htm. A pocket of stones; Stones have feelings too (feeling cards), available from St. Luke’s Innovative Resources, see www.stlukes.org.au.

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From Strength to Strength

HANDOUT

0–5 years: Communication Communication is a two-way process which involves verbal (talking, listening) and non-verbal (facial expressions, gestures, touching) actions.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 0–5 years communicate non-verbally:

Ways in which parents can ask questions of their 0–5-year-old children using active listening skills:

Some positive ‘I’ messages that parents of children aged 0–5 years can use:

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Emotional wellbeing Aims For parents to identify what emotional wellbeing is in themselves For parents to learn about the importance of emotional wellbeing in the growth and development of their children For parents to learn some strategies that will build on and increase their children’s emotional wellbeing

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Each parent identifies one way in which he or she looks after him- or herself (or would like to), while parenting young children.

2

Ask the question “What sort of adult do you want your child to be?” Brainstorm qualities, attributes etc. that parents want their children to have, such as: good health motivation initiative to be happy.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Children are born with different temperaments: • the easy child who seems to be happy in any situation, is able to join a group of children, is able to sit with other children and to initiate play • the “slow to warm up” child who will spend a long time observing what is going on, as though examining how it all happens, before joining in • the difficult child who finds all interactions with others a frightening experience and takes a long time and a lot of encouragement to join in; sometimes this child’s interactions with others are problematic, with conflict occurring within a short period of time. While these temperaments can be broadly categorised, and to an extent are innate (that is, the child is born with that temperament), the way children feel good or otherwise about themselves will have an impact on the way in which they interact and behave with others around them. Some attitudes can be encouraged through experience, and skills can be learned. It is important for parents to understand their children’s temperaments for what they are and to react in ways that acknowledge their individual temperaments and build and strengthen their sense of self. Children are very sensitive to the way that their parents treat them. It is important for parents to think about what they say to their children and how it could affect their sense of self. >>

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It is critical for parents to separate the child from her or his behaviour. When parents are communicating about the child’s behaviour they need to make sure that it is exactly what they are talking about. For example, the parent says, ”I am unhappy about you hurting your sister”, rather than saying “You are a horrible child because you have hurt your sister”. The first sentence talks about the parent’s feeling and the behaviour, while the second refers to the child, not the behaviour, and can be damaging to self-esteem. Sometimes we underestimate the traumas that some children aged 0–5 years may experience. Examples of these are: • in a childcare situation, the transition from inside to outside play, from the mat space to the bathroom to wash before lunch • moving house • going into hospital • a pet dying • a sibling being born Again, temperament will influence to a large degree how each child individually responds to these situations.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 56 as a guide for brainstorming with the group.

Activities In the large group, ask parents: What is emotional wellbeing in yourself? What is emotional wellbeing in your children? Write up thoughts, quotes and definitions. Ask the group: 1

Is there any difference between emotional wellbeing in yourself and your children? Where does your emotional wellbeing come from? Answers may include family, friends, school and teachers.

2

Is emotional wellbeing a static or fluid experience? Ask participants to think about their emotional wellbeing on a scale of 1–10. What was your emotional wellbeing on the way to the group? What is it now? What was it when you got up this morning? Think of situations in which your emotional wellbeing is at the low level of the scale and another situation in which your emotional wellbeing is at the higher end. What causes the differences? The group can then have a discussion, to share ideas and opinions on what affects emotional wellbeing.

3

What do you do when your emotional wellbeing is at the low end of the scale? How do you lift it?

4

What can parents do to make sure that their children’s emotional wellbeing stays at the higher end of the scale?

Additional group brainstorm Scenario: You arrive frazzled and late to pick up your 4-year-old from childcare. You have left dinner cooking on the stove at home and the baby in the car.Your child wants you to wait until she has finished her puzzle. What do you do that will keep the child’s self-esteem intact and address the rest of the situation? Fro m

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Homework Ask parents to reflect during the week on the ways in which they speak to their children, especially when they are unhappy with their behaviour. Explain to parents that they could try to say “I always love you but I am not happy when you hurt the dog”. This separates the behaviour of the child from the child. This language will tell the child that he or she is always loved but the parent is unhappy about his or her behaviour. Telling a child she or he is horrible for hurting the dog, for example, can damage the child’s emotional wellbeing.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Ask parents to each share one thing that they could do during the week to develop and increase their children’s emotional wellbeing.

2

Ask parents to share one thing they going to do for themselves during the week that will lift their emotional wellbeing by helping them to feel good or to reduce a stressful situation.

Resources Green, C. (1988) Babies: A parent’s guide to surviving and enjoying baby’s first year, Brookvale, NSW: Simon & Schuster. Green, C. (1984) Toddler Taming, Lane Cove, NSW: Doubleday. Linke, P. (1996) Practical Parenting 1–5 years, South Australia: Child and Youth Health SA. Murray, L. & Andrews, L. (2001) Your Social Baby: Understanding babies’ communication from birth, Melbourne: ACER Press. Rose, L. (2000) Learning to Love, Melbourne: ACER Press. Sheridan, M. (1997) From Birth to Five Years: Children’s developmental progress, Melbourne: ACER Press. Sheridan, M. (1999) Play in Early Childhood: From birth to six years, Melbourne: ACER Press. Schiller, P. (1999) Start Smart—Building brain power, Beltsville, Maryland: Gryphon House. Schmidt Neven, R. (1996) Emotional Milestones From Birth to Adulthood: A psychodynamic approach, Melbourne: ACER Press.

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0–5 years: Emotional wellbeing Healthy emotional wellbeing is essential in order to feel good about yourself and to be confident and happy in life. Emotional wellbeing can vary, depending on interactions with others, life events and particular individual circumstances.

Group brainstorm activity What is emotional wellbeing in parents; how do you feel when it is healthy and strong, how do you relate to others?

Ways in which parents of children aged 0–5 years can increase their children’s emotional wellbeing:

It is essential that parents separate the way they feel about their child’s behaviour from the way they feel about their child. List some examples of how you can do this (for example “I always love you and your sister but I do not like the way you tease each other”):

As parents, it is important that our emotional wellbeing stays healthy and strong; what are some ways in which we can ensure this happens?

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6-10 years Child development Aims For parents to begin to understand their children’s stages of development For parents to appreciate and identify the difference between “developmental” behaviour and misbehaviour For parents to gain an understanding that children show their feelings through their behaviour

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Invite each parent to share where her or his name has come from, how he or she was named or anything he or she knows about the name..

2

An extension of the above suggestion is to ask parents about any of the names of their children, where the names come from and what they mean.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Children in this age group are still developing but in different areas. Their language development is probably complete; they are able to utter full sentences and make their needs understood verbally. Physically, they are still growing and learning new skills. There will be some pre-pubescent body changes in a very small number of children; this is covered in more detail in the next age group (11–14 years). The biggest developmental growth is in the social and emotional areas. Friendships are very important at this age. Children are learning social skills with their peer group as well as how to behave in a group or team. Exploring the social and emotional areas of their development is common for children aged 6–10 years, and parents need to remember that children are overtly showing their feelings through their behaviour. Parents can promote children’s emotional development by helping them to label their feelings and to know that all their feelings are acceptable. Children in this age group will be aware of the wide range of feelings that they experience, and it is important that they are able to label and learn to express these feelings in a socially appropriate way. Parents should aim to be a “safe person” for their children; that is, someone whom their children can always approach to discuss their feelings with the knowledge that they will always be supported and understood and never criticised or ridiculed for their feelings. In turn, parents need to be able to show children appropriate ways to express their feelings.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 60 as a guide for brainstorming in the group. Parents of same-age children can discuss what they know about their children under the headings: Physical development Social development Emotional/moral development Cognitive development (intellectual) There are several different ways that this activity might be facilitated. 1

Parents in four small groups work on one area, with each group discussing the differences in the age groups under those headings.

2

If the group is made up of parents with children in the range of age 6–10 years, then each group may look at all four headings but for one specific age group. One group may look at the four areas for the 6–7-year-old, another group the 8–9-year-old, another group the 9–10-years-old etc., and each of these groups looks at all four headings.

3

A variation of 2: parents work on only one or two headings for the age grouping.

4

The group is small so works together on all headings.

Allow 15 minutes for this activity, as parents will be chatting and sharing their information. Be available for questions, but let the group or groups explore the topic as they want to. Bring small groups back to the larger group and discuss findings. Use questions to encourage group discussion: “What did you discover?” Parents may have discovered that they know more about their children’s development than they thought they did. Parents may discover what stages of development their children are working on at the moment; that it is unrealistic to compare same-age children and their development, and that each and every child will develop in her or his own time Parents may recognise the importance of healthy emotional development in the child’s overall development. Ask parents to brainstorm some positive strategies for them to use to assist their children through these stages of development.

Homework (choose one) Ask parents to observe their children during the week, to see whether they can work out what area of development the children are working on. Ask them to think about how they, as the parent, can assist the child to achieve the goal of this work. Parents can work on acknowledging and labelling their own feelings in relation to their children’s behaviours as well as showing empathy for their children’s feelings and actively helping them to express their feelings.

Wind down (choose one)

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Invite parents to brainstorm all the jobs they do as parents. For example: cook, cleaner, chauffeur, nurse, accountant and manager. Write them all down and then ask each group member to discuss the job he or she likes most and least.

2

Invite parents to think about the developmental tasks their children are working on at the moment. (“What are they practising?”)

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Resources Allen, K. & Morotz, L. (1994) Developmental Profiles—Pre birth through eight, New York: Delmar. Berk, L. (1997) Child Development (5th edition), Sydney: Allen & Bacon. Brazelton, T. (1996) Touchpoints, Sydney: Doubleday. Drent, A. (2001) Parenting Today, Melbourne: ACER Press. Kaplan, P. (1999) A Child’s Odyssey: Child and adolescent development, Belmont, California: Wadsworth Publications. Linke, P. (ed.) (1994) Practical Parenting 6–12 Years, Melbourne: ACER Press.

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HANDOUT

6–10 years: Child development Every child is an individual and will develop in her or his own way and in his or her own time.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 6–10 years develop physically:

Ways in which children aged 6–10 years develop socially and emotionally:

Ways in which children aged 6–10 years develop cognitively (intellectually):

Positive strategies for parents to use to assist their children through these stages of development:

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Behaviour and discipline Aims To teach parents some positive strategies for managing their child’s behaviour To emphasise the importance of parents using a positive approach to discipline with their child

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards (or Strength Cards for Kids), ask each participant to choose two strengths that he or she currently identifies his or her child as having. Share this with the group.

2

Toilet paper exercise: Using a roll of toilet paper, ask participants to tear off as much as they think they will need. Then for each square of paper, ask participants to talk about one thing they are enjoying about their children at the moment.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The 6–10-year-old is interacting daily with his or her peers. They are important to him or her, but parents still feature very much in this world. Children of this age feel good about themselves when they do something that pleases the adults in their lives. It is important that the tasks they are asked to undertake are developmentally appropriate.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 63 as a guide for brainstorming in the group. Ask parents to come up with examples of difficult behaviour they have recently experienced with their 6–10-year-old. Brainstorm within the group the possible causes of the behaviour, for example, tiredness, boredom, illness, frustration, school friendship issues, curiosity. ‘Bad’ behaviour or misbehaviour can be planned for in a preventative sense. Brainstorm in the group how some of the behaviours identified could possibly be prevented. For example, putting out school clothes on the bed the night before, having a weekly timetable at home to help the child create times for homework, or doing household chores. Ask the group how these misbehaviours relate to the child’s stage of development. Brainstorm ways in which parents can respond to the misbehaviour and some preventative strategies that they could utilise in the future.

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Homework Ask parents to aim to ‘catch’ their children being good, verbally praising them at least twice as much for doing the right thing as chastising them for behaving badly.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to say two positive words in relation to their strengths as a parent (if you have the St. Luke’s Strength Cards these can be used as a resource).

2

Invite parents to notice their children’s appropriate behaviour during the week.

Resources Drent, A. (2001) Parenting Today, Melbourne: ACER Press. Linke, P. (ed). (1994) Practical Parenting 6–12 Years, Melbourne: ACER Press. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources, Strength Cards, see www.stlukes.org.au. All of the following websites have general parenting information and links to other related and useful parent resource sites: www.acer.com.au www.parenting.sa.gov.au www.parentlink.act.gov.au www.nt.gov.au www.fcs.wa.gov.au www.families.qld.gov.au

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HANDOUT

6–10 years: Behaviour and discipline Discipline means ‘to teach and to guide’, showing children and young people what to do rather than punishing them for what not to do.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 6–10 years misbehave:

Possible causes of the misbehaviour:

How do these behaviours relate to their age and stage of development?

Ways in which parents can respond to the (mis)behaviour:

Preventative strategies for the misbehaviour:

Some positive discipline strategies for this age group:

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Communication Aims To give parents an understanding of how 6–10-year-olds communicate To give parents skills and strategies with which to communicate positively with their children

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Ask all parents to stand up and arrange themselves in chronological birth order (month and day). No verbal communication is to occur; everyone has to use non-verbal skills. Check how accurately the group was able to arrange itself into the line. Ask the group how they experienced the task—what types of non-verbal actions and gestures did they use?

2

Have a tray prepared with ten or twelve small objects placed on it (matches, biro, biscuit, for example). Let parents look at it for 2 minutes then cover the tray with a cloth and ask participants to recall the objects that were on it. To start discussion, ask the group, “How can we expect children to remember multiple rules or instructions? Is this realistic? What do they remember?”

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK As children grow and develop, communication becomes primarily a process of talking and listening. Non-verbal communication signals—using eyes, expressions, feelings and touching— are still important, however. Good communication between any two people involves a two-way process of both talking and listening.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 66 as a guide for brainstorming in the group. Discuss in the group, “Why is it important to listen to your children?” Responses may include that it: helps them to talk about their problems, get them ‘out’ develops a closeness between you and your children helps children work through their problems towards finding a solution encourages your children to listen to you helps children communicate and form positive relationships with others.

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Lead a discussion about the difference between ‘open’ and ‘closed’ questions. Use examples of both and discuss how children may feel when asked both open and closed questions. Ask the group to form pairs, with one person at a time talking for 5 minutes while the other listens. Reverse the roles for another 5 minutes. Reconvene to the large group and ask: How it did it feel being listened to fully and without interruption? How were you listened to as a child? Who listened to you, how did you feel? When is a good time to listen to your child? When a child has strong feelings about something, how can you talk to him or her about those feelings? Why is it important to listen to your child? Explain the active listening techniques (see page 38). Then brainstorm in the group: What are some ways in which parents can ask questions of their children using active listening skills? What are some positive ‘I’ messages that parents can use with their children?

Homework Ask parents to try and spend 5 minutes per day with each of their children and really try to listen to them. They should ask open-ended questions and discuss how their child’s day has been. A good time for this may be after bath time and before bed.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to concentrate on their listening skills with their children through the week.

2

Invite parents to make a time during the week to listen to their children talk about their day.

Resources Deal, R. (2002) The Wrong Stone, Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. A website of feeling words: http://eqi.org/fw.htm. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources A pocket of stones; Stones have feelings too (feeling cards), available from www.stlukes.org.au.

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HANDOUT

6–10 years: Communication Communication is a two-way process which involves verbal (talking, listening) and non-verbal (facial expressions, gestures, touching) actions.

Group brainstorm activity Why is it important for parents to listen to their children?

Ways in which children aged 6–10 years communicate non-verbally:

Ways in which parents can ask questions of their children aged 6–10 years, using active listening skills:

Some positive ‘I’ messages that parents of children aged 6–10 years can use:

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Emotional wellbeing Aims For parents to gain an understanding of their role in building emotional wellbeing in their children For parents to learn some strategies that will increase their children’s emotional wellbeing

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) Ask each parent to choose two of the St. Luke’s Strength Cards that reflect strengths that they can use when faced with adversity. Ask parents to choose a photo from Photolanguage that reflects the future they would like for their children. Ask parents to tell the person next to them (for about 2 minutes) something about her- or himself that the other person does not know. Swap roles for another 2 minutes.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK There has been a lot of research on the importance of emotions. In his book The Heart of Parenting, John Gottman (1997, p. 24) outlines five steps to emotional coaching: 1 Become aware of the child’s emotions. 2 Recognise the child’s emotions as an opportunity to teach. 3 Listen empathically to children’s feelings and validate those feelings. 4 Help the child to label her or his feelings. 5 Set limits for the child to solve his or her own problems. Lead a discussion in the group about John Gottman’s theory of emotional intelligence, incorporating the point that children need to be surrounded by encouraging comments and affirmations about when they are a pleasure to have around as well as when they do well. It is important for parents to tell children that they love their sense of humour, their jokes, their happy faces in the morning, all the things that make a child who she or he is. It is important for children to know how important they are to the family. The family would not be that particular family without that child and his or her particular attributes. This helps a child feel connected to the family and increases the sense of belonging that is a critical protective factor in preventing youth suicide. Children often put themselves down. When they share these thoughts with their parents, it is a great time to help the child reframe the situation. If the child says the problem is too difficult or the job too big, parents can help by breaking it down into smaller, more manageable pieces that are easier to tackle. This will help the child approach the rest of the problem. It is important for parents not to let children put themselves down; their ‘self-talk’ should be predominantly positive and hopeful.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 69 as a guide for brainstorming with the group.

Activities 1

Feel free to use any activities from the content section of Emotional wellbeing in the section on 0–5 years.

2

You can lead a discussion about parents’ sense of emotional wellbeing. How do we maintain healthy, robust emotional wellbeing when there are many occasions and situations, within our own experiences and in the world, that can cause us to feel helpless/hopeless?

3

Lead a discussion on emotional wellbeing, using the question “What can you do to build on and strengthen your child’s emotional wellbeing?”

Homework Ask parents to be conscious of their interactions with their children and to think about whether these interactions will build and strengthen their children’s emotional wellbeing.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Ask parents to think about one thing that they are enjoying or appreciating about their children at the moment and, if they want, to share in the group.

2

Invite parents to think of a positive feeling they will take with them and feel through the week.

Resources Bowler, P. & Linke, P. (1996) Your Child from One to Ten, Melbourne: ACER Press. Gottman, J. (1997) How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child, London: Bloomsbury. Grose, M. (1998) One Step Ahead—Raising 3–12 year olds, Melbourne: Text Publishing. Lewis, R. & S. (1989) The Parenting Puzzle, Melbourne: ACER Press. Linke, P. (ed.) (1994) Practical Parenting 6–12 years, Melbourne: ACER Press. Petersen, L. (2002) Social Savvy: Help your child fit in with others, Melbourne: ACER Press. Waters, B. & Kennedy, L. (1993) Every Kid—Parenting your 5–12 year old, Moorebank: Doubleday. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources Strength Cards and Photolanguage, available from www.stlukes.org.au.

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6–10 years: Emotional wellbeing Healthy emotional wellbeing is essential in order to feel good about yourself and to be confident and happy in life. Emotional wellbeing can vary, depending on interactions with others, life events and particular individual circumstances.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which parents of children aged 6–10 years can increase their children’s emotional wellbeing:

It is essential that parents separate the way they feel about their child’s behaviour from the way they feel about their child. List some examples of how you can do this (for example, “I always love you and your sister but I do not like the way you tease each other”):

As parents, it is important that our emotional wellbeing stays healthy and strong; what are some ways in which we can ensure this happens?

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11-14 years Child development Aims For parents to have an understanding of their children’s stages of development For parents to explore their role in supporting their children in this age group

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Ask each parent to share one or two uses or purposes for a house brick, then explain: Each parent could think of one or two things to do with a house brick, but together the group has many ideas of how to use it. Explain that parenting is the same—we might have one or two ideas ourselves about how to approach a parenting issue, but in a parent group many and varied suggestions will be put forward .

2

In pairs, each parent shares with his or her partner one thing from each of these categories: Favourite food Favourite music Favourite holiday destination Favourite hobby One of the categories shared has to be a lie. Can the partner guess which is the lie?

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Pubescent body changes are beginning at this age. Mood swings may occur with the beginning of hormonal and physical changes. Friendships are even more important, but so, too, is a loving and stable family. Young people need families in which they feel safe and know they will be accepted despite the way they might look or dress. Young people need a family in which they can share their newly acquired views and thoughts, and know that they will be valued. These young people have a very fragile sense of self that is easily shattered, even though they may seem to have a tough exterior. The role of parents is to help the young person through this stage of development by being available, accessible and accepting of the young person, even though they may not like what they say, wear or do. >>

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Adolescence can be a difficult period of development during which in one minute the adolescent can feel and act as an adult and in the next they behave immaturely and young again. Their emotions are on a roller coaster, and they can be cruel in articulating their feelings to others, especially parents. They need the support of their family which still accepts them, pimples, warts and all, despite their behaviour and language.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 72 as a guide for brainstorming in the group.

Activity In small groups, invite parents to talk about their own adolescence. Can they remember some of the feelings about being in this age group? What about issues of sex: who told them about the ‘facts of life’ and how did this feel? Reconvene the group and use these questions to encourage discussion: “How was that discussion for you? Did memories of that awkward time return?” “If you were unhappy with how you were told about sex and sexuality, how could you make it different for your young person?” “What other memories did that discussion bring up?”

Homework (choose one) Ask parents to make time to be accessible to their young person, to ‘hang around’ in their space, use the time driving them somewhere to listen to them or ask them about their feelings. Ask parents to work on acknowledging and labelling their own feelings in relation to their children’s behaviour, as well as showing empathy for their children’s feelings and actively helping them express their feelings.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Show parents four shapes: a triangle, square, Z and circle, and ask everyone “What do you mostly associate with?” Then ask the group: “Who has chosen the triangle?” Explain that they are even based and generally fairly stable. “Who has chosen the square?” Explain that they are solid and evenly distributed.“Who chose the Z?” Tell them they are good leaders. “Who chose the circle?” Tell them they are preoccupied with sex and booze (allows the group a light moment).

2

Invite each parent to choose a photo from Photolanguage that reflects, for him or her, how he or she would like the next week to be.

Resources Berk, L. (1997) Child Development, 5th edition, Sydney: Allen & Bacon. Carr-Gregg, M. & Shale, E. (2002) Adolescence: A guide for parents, Lane Cove: Finch Publishing. Darvill, W. & Powell, K. (2001) The Puberty Book, Sydney: Hodder and Stoughton. Kaplan, P. (1999) A Child’s Odyssey: Child and adolescent development, Belmont, California: Wadsworth Publications. Myers, B. (1996) Raising Responsible Teenagers, Melbourne: ACER Press. Paphazy, J. (1993) The Troublesome Years: Parenting adolescents, Burwood: Flactem Pty Ltd.

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11–14 years: Child development Every child is an individual and will develop in her or his own way and in his or her own time.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 11–14 years develop physically:

Ways in which children aged 11–14 years develop socially and emotionally:

Ways in which children aged 11–14 years develop cognitively (intellectually):

Positive strategies for parents to use to assist their child through these stages of development:

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Behaviour and discipline Aims For parents to gain an understanding of their responsibilities and what their children can/should take responsibility for For parents to revisit their disciplinary style in relation to their children’s growing independence

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Ask parents, “What are the qualities that you would like your child to have as an adult?” Lead the discussion around how parents can help their children develop these qualities.

2

Using Photolanguage cards or photographs from magazines, choose several pictures (about three or four) that portray various emotions. Invite parents to brainstorm which emotion is being portrayed and make suggestions as to why (based on what is illustrated in the photo).

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The 11–14-year-old is experiencing rapid change, both physically and emotionally, as his or her body begins puberty. The peer group becomes more of a central and important part of the young person’s life. Being different, either by not developing quickly enough or by developing quickly, can cause stress and anxiety. The peer group can cause great happiness or great grief, or both. The 11–14-year-old is beginning to establish her or his own identity and independence, and misbehaviour can often feature. It is not as easy for parents to establish the cause of the behaviour as it was when the child was younger.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 75 as a guide for brainstorming in the group.

Activity ‘Win–win situations’ Use a scenario generated from the group, or demonstrate some of the behaviours that have been brainstormed above. Ask one parent to choose two others to represent the people in her or his scenario. Ask the parents are to act out the scenario, then freeze and ask the group for input as to how the scenario could be changed in order to obtain a ‘win–win’ situation.

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Homework Ask parents to focus on positive behaviour of their 11–14-year-olds during the week, telling them when they observe behaviour that they like. Ask parents to do this at least once a day.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to each say two words that best describe her or his own feelings about early adolescence.

2

Invite parents to think of one positive word to describe his or her adolescent.

Resources The following websites have general parenting information and useful links to other parent resource sites: www.parenting.sa.gov.au www.parentlink.act.gov.au www.nt.gov.au www.fcs.wa.gov.au www.families.qld.gov.au

Bennett, D. & Rowe, L. (2003) What To Do When Your Children Turn into Teenagers, Milsons Point: Doubleday. Carr-Gregg, M. & Shale, E. (2002) Adolescence: A guide for parents, Lane Cove: Finch Publishing. Glasser, W. (2002) For Parents and Teenagers, New York: Quill. Jenkin, C. (1994) PACE—Parenting Adolescents: A creative experience, Melbourne: Constance Jenkin & Dr Di Bretherton.

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11–14 years: Behaviour and discipline Discipline means ‘to teach and to guide’, showing children and young people what to do rather than punishing them for what not to do.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 11–14 years misbehave:

How do these behaviours relate to their age and stage of development?

Ways in which parents can respond to the (mis)behaviour:

Some positive discipline strategies for this age group:

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Communication Aims For parents to acknowledge feelings and emotions as elements in communication between them and their children For parents to gain an understanding of active listening skills, including asking open questions

Welcome Warm-up Note: Be aware of the literacy capabilities of the group. 1

Use the handout on page 78 for the communication test.

2

Ask parents to extend their right arms parallel to the floor, then say, “Now make a circle with your thumb and forefinger.” (Demonstrate the action as you speak.) Then continue by stating, “Now, very firmly, bring your hand to your chin”.While saying this bring your hand to your cheek NOT to your chin. Pause. (Most of the group will have done what the facilitator has; that is, brought their hands to their cheeks.) Look around but say nothing. After 5 to 10 seconds, a few in the group should realise their error and move their hands to their chins. After a few more seconds, more people should join in the laughter. Your point can be verbally reinforced—actions speak louder than words. Ask the group, “Did you ever hear the saying, ‘Don’t do as I do, do as I say’?” We all know that actions speak louder than words.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues raised.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The foundations of good communication laid down in the early and primary school years now come into play. This is not to say that good communication is impossible to achieve without this foundation; it is possible (with lots of hard work) to change old patterns and habits—just more difficult with this age group.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 79 as a guide for group brainstorming activities.

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1

Lead group discussion, incorporating role plays, in relation to active listening, or to form an agreed definition of active listening (refer to page 38).

2

In small groups of two or three, ask parents to work through a number of examples of open and closed responses. For example, the child says “I don’t want to go to school today”. Ask the group to discuss what the child might be feeling, and the kind of questions the parents might use to elicit a full response from the child.

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Lead discussion about the importance of allowing children to air their opinions without fear of being put down. They will be testing their ideas in a safe environment. Ask “How will children feel if they are criticised because they express their opinion?”

Homework Ask parents to practise active listening with their children, remembering to use open-ended questions.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to talk, in pairs, about the last time they felt they were listened to. How did they feel?

2

Invite parents to talk, in pairs, about the last time they really listened to their young person. Reflect on the experience.

Resources Bennett, D. & Rowe, L. (2003) What To Do When Your Children Turn Into Teenagers, Milsons Point: Doubleday. Deal, R. (2002) The Wrong Stone, Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. Glasser, W. (2002) For Parents and Teenagers, New York: Quill. Paphazy, J. (1993) The Troublesome Years: Parenting adolescents, Burwood, Victoria: Flactem Pty Ltd. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources A pocket of stones; Stones have feelings too (feeling cards), available from www.stlukes.org.au. A website of feeling words: http://eqi.org/fw.htm.

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How well do you receive communication? Read everything before writing anything. 1 Read everything before writing anything. 2 Print your name below. 3 Write your child/ren’s date of birth. 4 What do your remember enjoying as a child? 5 What are your dreams and aspirations for your children? 6 How do you see yourself in 10 years’ time? 7 Now that you have read everything, as instructed in point 1, follow the instructions from point 2.

Name

Child/ren’s birth date/s

What you enjoyed as a child

Dreams for your children

Yourself in 10 years

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11–14 years: Communication Communication is a two way-process which involves verbal (talking, listening) and non-verbal (facial expressions, gestures, touching) actions.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 11–14 years communicate non-verbally:

Ways in which parents can ask questions of their children aged 11–14 years, using active listening skills:

Some positive ‘I’ messages that parents of children aged 11–14 years can use:

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Emotional wellbeing Aims For parents to identify their own emotional wellbeing and how it is influenced For parents to think about their role in assisting their young people to develop emotional wellbeing

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Using St. Luke’s Adolescent Reflexions Cards, ask parents to find one or several that reflect the qualities their young people have.

2

Using St. Luke’s Bear Cards, ask parents to choose a bear or several that reflect their young people at this moment.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Young people in this age group are quite fragile about their image and their place in the community, especially the school community. Parents need to be very careful with their language and how they speak to their young people, and need to be aware of sarcasm and put-downs. Children in this age group will take such comments to heart and this may go in the young person’s ‘risk factor basket’ as she or he interprets what parents have said as him or her being ‘no good’ or ‘good for nothing’. Conflict situations will arise more often as these young people are really searching for independence. Parents need to try and work through these conflicts with a ‘win–win’ outcome. This will keep dignity and pride intact for both the parents and the young person, and is an outcome in which everyone feels respected.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 82 as a guide for brainstorming in the group. In the group, ask parents to explore what is occurring for young people in this age group. Examples of responses may be transition to secondary school, beginning of puberty, awareness of the opposite sex and school/work expectations becoming more difficult.These situations and experiences potentially could be damaging to the young person’s emotional wellbeing. How can parents prepare young people for what lies ahead and build up their emotional wellbeing?

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Activities 1 Present the following scenario to the group: Your 13-year-old daughter has a week to start and complete a school project.You take her to the library to borrow relevant books and information. You help her locate relevant websites on the Internet and provide a quiet place for her to work on the project. You ask her several times through the week about the progress of the project and have been told that it is under way. It is now 10.30pm on Thursday night and the project, still unfinished, is due tomorrow. Your daughter is now upset about having to go to school with an unfinished project, and asks you to write a note with an excuse for why the project is not complete. Ask the group: “What action, if any, do you take?” “What is your responsibility and what is your child’s?” “Under what circumstances would you write a note or assist in the project’s completion?” 2 Any relevant activities from the previous sections (0–5, 6–10 years)

Homework Ask parents to actively create opportunities, over the coming week, to increase the young person’s emotional wellbeing.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to share one thing they like/appreciate about themselves.

2

Invite parents to share one thing they each like about their young people at the moment.

Resources Barton, S. & Ingram, K. (2001) Build Your Teenager’s Self-esteem … and enjoy being a parent again, Glenferrie South: Anne O’Donovan Publishing. Carr-Gregg, M. & Shale, E. (2002) Adolescence: A guide for parents, Sydney: Finch Publishing. Crombie, D. (dir.) (1991) Parents and Teenagers Getting it Together, video, Hendon, SA: South Australian Film Corporation Fuller, A. (1998) From Surviving to Thriving—Promoting mental health in young people, Melbourne: ACER Press. Fuller, A. (2002) Raising Real People. Creating resilient families (2nd edition), Melbourne: ACER Press. Gordon, J. & Grant, G. (1997) How We Feel—An insight into the emotional world of teenagers, London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Hazelhurst, N. (1993) How to Raise Happy Kids, video, Seeandem Productions. Myers, B. (1996) Raising Responsible Teenagers, Melbourne: ACER Press. Queensland Centre for Prevention of Child Abuse (1990) The Teenager,The Parents and How to Survive, video, Department of Family Services and Aboriginal and Islander Affairs. Reflexions Cards (2000) Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources. The Bears (1997), cards, Bendigo, Victoria: St. Luke’s Innovative Resources, available from ACER Press, see www.acerpress.com.au.

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11–14 years: Emotional wellbeing Healthy emotional wellbeing is essential in order to feel good about yourself and to be confident and happy in life. Emotional wellbeing can vary, depending on interactions with others, life events and particular individual circumstances.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which parents of children aged 11–14 years can increase their children’s emotional wellbeing:

It is essential that parents separate the way they feel about their children’s behaviours from the way they feel about their children. List some examples of how you can do this (for example “I always love you and your sister but I do not like the way you tease each other”):

As parents, it is important that our emotional wellbeing stays healthy and strong; what are some ways in which we can ensure this happens?

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Adolescent development Aims For parents to appreciate that, according to the law, their young people are now approaching or entering adulthood For parents to develop some strategies that allow them to live in harmony with their young adults

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Lead a discussion on how important it is to see adolescent behaviour from the perspective of the young person as well as the parent’s own perspective. There are two sides to every story. For example, when your young person is late coming home, it is important not to jump to a conclusion based on your own beliefs as to why she or he is late. Ask for the reason; it may be something you had not considered. If you don’t hear the other side of the story, you might react inappropriately and cause unnecessary stress and conflict between you and your adolescent.

2

On pieces of paper on the floor, write several words describing a range of feelings (happy, sad, angry, excited, apprehensive, depressed, for example). Then play some music while parents walk around on the paper. Stop the music and call out a feeling word. Whoever is standing on the piece of paper on which that feeling is written shares with the group the most recent time they had that feeling.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Use the brainstorming approach to address pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The 15–18-year-old child is approaching adulthood. The 15-year-old may leave school and get a job; at age 16 years she or he may get a learner’s permit for a driver’s licence. By the age of 18 years the law considers the young person to be an adult. Parents and young people have to learn to live under the same roof with an understanding of how and when there can be compromise and appreciation of each other’s point of view.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 85 as a guide for brainstorming in the group.

Activities Ask parents, “What was happening in your life when you were this age? What are the concerns for our young people during this age group?” Some responses might include deciding whether to stay at school or leave; career choices; risk-taking behaviours; under-age drug and alcohol use or experimentation; sexually activity. Ask the group, “What is the role of parents when they have children/young people at this age?” Some parents may not have been living at home when they were issued with some of the challenges that their children are facing while still under their parents’ roof. Discuss in the group.

Homework (choose one) Invite parents to arrange to have family time together (this may have to include girlfriends or boyfriends). This is to be a time to enjoy each other’s company, not to raise conflicts. Ask parents to plan a family meeting at which all members of the family can talk about family issues; this could be to plan a weekend outing or a family holiday, how the weekend sports functions will be attended, or a concern brought up by either the young people or parents.

Wind down (choose one) Ask parents to share one thing that they have enjoyed about their young person in the past week. Ask parents to share one thing they are going to do for themselves during the week that is out of the ordinary.

Resources Berk, L. (1997) Child Development, 5th edition, Sydney: Allen & Bacon. Carr-Gregg, M. & Shale, E. (2002) Adolescence: A guide for parents, Lane Cove, NSW: Finch Publishing. Kaplan, P. (1999) A Child’s Odyssey: Child and adolescent development, Belmont, California: Wadsworth Publications. Myers, B. (1996) Raising Responsible Teenagers, Melbourne: ACER Press. Palin, M. & Beatty, S. (2000) Drugs and Your Teenager, Melbourne: IP Communications.

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15–18 years: Adolescent development Every child is an individual and will develop in her or his own way and in his or her own time.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 15–18 years develop physically:

Ways in which children aged 15–18 years develop socially and emotionally:

Ways in which children aged 15–18 years develop cognitively (intellectually):

Positive strategies for parents to use to assist their child through these stages of development:

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Behaviour and discipline Aim For parents to better understand their adolescent’s behaviour in the context of the pressures that are placed on young people of this age

Welcome Warm-up Motivation exercise: to illustrate that motivation is internal but that external incentives can assist. In preparation, use sticky tape to fasten several $1 or $2 coins underneath three or four chairs prior to participants’ arrival. In the group, discuss the concept of motivation as something that comes from within, not without, which prompts or incites an action. Ask parents to put up their right hands. After a moment, ask the group “Why did you do that?” The parents’ response will be something like, “Because you asked us to” or “Because you said ‘please’”. Now ask the group to stand up, pick up their chairs and turn them upside down. Most likely, not everyone will do this. Continue, “If I told you there were some coins taped to the bottom of some of the chairs would you turn the chair upside down?” Most still will not move, so say, “Let me tell you that there are indeed some coins taped underneath some chairs!” As people start to overturn their chairs and find coins, encourage them by saying “There is a coin under that chair”. Questions for discussion: “Why did it take more effort to motivate the group on the second request?” “Did the money motivate you?” (Stress that money does not always act as a motivator.) “What is the only real way to motivate someone?” (Acknowledge any relevant answer, but emphasise that the best way to get a person to do something is for that person to want to do it for him- or herself.)

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pertinent pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Young people aged 15–18 years are fast approaching adulthood and the associated responsibilities. The peer group is central to their lives now, with parents often being an irritation! Often, patterns of communication and predictable reactions are entrenched in both the young person and the parent. For parents experiencing unwanted behaviour from their adolescent, it is important to follow the steps they did when the child was younger, asking “What are the possible reasons behind this behaviour?” Is the behaviour the parent’s responsibility or can it be handed back to the adolescent? The same theory applies to this age group as it does to every other; praise what you like and be a role model for the behaviours you would like to see most of.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 88 as a guide to brainstorming in the group.

Activity Start off with a discussion about rites of passage. These days, children are being given independence in the community and in families at a younger age. Ask parents to give examples; for instance: They may leave school on or before turning 15. They may obtain their learner’s permit for a driver’s licence at age 16. They may secure part-time employment at age 15 or younger. They may buy and use a mobile phone. Ask, “What pressures does this then place on young people?” In pairs, invite parents to discuss one aspect of their adolescent’s behaviour that is driving them crazy at the moment and how they are dealing with it. Ask each pair to write up the behaviours and the associated responses separately on butcher’s paper. Reconvene the larger group and share responses. Categorise behaviours as much as possible, together with responses. The group can then talk through any additional suggestions they may have for responses. In the group, discuss how to set limits with adolescents: Explain to the young person how her or his behaviour has a impact on you and others in the family. Separate the behaviour from the adolescent (that, as a parent, you always love him or her, but you don’t always like or appreciate his or her behaviour). Be open to negotiation. Establish a regular time to discuss and negotiate issues. This will avoid hasty, ill-informed decisions and will involve all the appropriate family members.

Homework Invite parents to think about an aspect of their 15–18-year-old adolescent’s behaviour that is currently driving them crazy. Through the week they are to talk to their adolescent about it and hand back responsibility for the behaviour to the adolescent. For example, in relation to homework the parent could say, “I am not going to nag you about your homework any more. I trust you to do it and I know you are smart enough to pass, so I am happy to help if I can but otherwise you have to take on that responsibility”.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Around the group, invite parents to share one thing that they like to do for themselves to relax and unwind.

2

Invite parents to think about one thing they might do during the week with a partner or friend.

Resources These websites provide general parting information and useful links to parent resource websites: www.parenting.sa.gov.au

www.fcs.wa.gov.au

www.nt.gov.au

www.parentlink.act.gov.au

www.families.qld.gov.au Bennett, D. & Rowe, L. (2003) What To Do When Your Children Turn Into Teenagers, Milsons Point: Doubleday.

Carr-Gregg, M. & Shale, E. (2002) Adolescence: A guide for parents, Lane Cove: Finch Publishing. vio eha rs: B a e 8y 5 –1 e 3 1 isciplin n d o i t Sec

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15–18 years: Behaviour and discipline Discipline means ‘to teach and to guide’, showing children and young people what to do rather than punish them for what not to do.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which children aged 15–18 years misbehave:

How do these behaviours relate to their age and stage of development?

Ways in which parents can respond to the (mis)behaviour:

Some positive discipline strategies for this age group:

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Communication Aims To assist parents to identify their own style of conflict resolution To assist parents to use appropriate conflict resolution techniques with their 15–18-yearold adolescents

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) Design several ‘feeling wheels’—a circle divided into sections that has a feeling word such as angry, sad, happy, cheerful, anxious written on it with a spinning arrow attached. Place a wheel in the centre of a small group of four. Each person spins the arrow and talks about the most recent time that she or he felt the feeling identified on the wheel.This activity is to help identify feelings. As it is just a game, turns can be skipped and arrows moved on to a feeling that is more comfortable if necessary. You will need a range of colour cards for this warm-up (use sample colour cards obtained from a paint shop). Tell a story that has several different emotional levels. When the part of the story that evokes an emotion is reached, stop telling the story and ask parents to think of a word for the feeling that is evoked. At the end of the story, ask parents to select a colour that matches the feelings they chose. There will be a range of feelings for the same part of the story and a range of colours. Share that everyone has her or his own feelings and interprets them in his or her own way. No-one should tell or guess what anyone else is feeling or what they should be feeling.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK At age 15–18, most young people are still completing their secondary education, and there is pressure on them to continue this formal education once they finish their secondary school studies. Communication between child and parent continues to be critical to the building of an understanding and mutually respectful relationship. Young people today have access to a vast amount of information via the Internet. While this is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, it means that they may think they know more than they actually do, or than their own experience equips them for. Compared to a generation ago, communication between young people and their peer group occurs much more frequently by virtue of ‘SMS’ text messages and mobile telephones, as well as e-mail messages which can be sent to many hundreds or thousands of people at the press of a button. The challenge for parents of children in this age group is to maintain common interests, keep the ‘communication channels’ open and to have a culture of openness, honesty and respect between themselves and their soon-to-be adult.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 91 as a guide for group brainstorming activities.

Activities Ask parents how their parents communicated with them when they were adolescents at mealtimes, in the car, when friends were visiting. What do parents remember that they liked or disliked about the method and style of communication? How do parents wish communication to be in their home today? How can they work towards achieving this? Ask for volunteers in the group to act out the part of each parent and the adolescent in a range of scenarios such as: Your 15–18-year-old stays out all night at a party without letting you know in advance. Your 15–18-year-old arranges a party at your house without letting you know. Your 15–18-year-old wants to go away for the weekend with a group of friends. One of them has just got a driver’s licence and the others cannot drive. Your 15–18-year-old is not doing her or his household chores, but is bribing a younger sibling to do them. Within the larger group, tease out the issues involved in each scenario and how parents would communicate these to their adolescent. How could opportunities be created for the adolescent to be able to respond in a meaningful, open way? For parents who live separately, cover the scenarios from the perspective of both parents.

Homework Ask parents to take time during the week to have one or several conversations with their 15–18year-old in which they focus on listening and empathising with what they are saying. Parents take care not to pass judgements, but try to imagine themselves “in their shoes”.

Wind down (choose one) 1

Invite parents to comment on the group exercise. “Did you find it difficult? Was it difficult to identify with the 15–18-year-old?”

2

Invite parents to share one thing that they will take away from the group today.

Resources St. Luke’s Innovative Resources A pocket of stones; Stones have feelings too (card pack), available from www.stlukes.org.au. Carr-Gregg, M. (2004) Surviving Year 12: A sanity kit for students and their parents, Sydney: Finch Publishing.

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15–18 years: Communication Communication is a two-way process which involves verbal (talking, listening) and non-verbal (facial expressions, gestures, touching) actions.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which young people aged 15–18 years communicate non-verbally:

Ways in which parents can ask questions of their young person aged 15–18 years, using active listening skills:

Some positive ‘I’ messages that parents of young people aged 15–18 years can use:

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Emotional wellbeing Aims For parents to understand emotional wellbeing in relation to this age group For parents to understand the importance of emotional wellbeing as a critical component in enhancing social and mental health

Welcome Warm-up (choose one) 1

Use St. Luke’s Strength Cards. Using Blu-tac, secure one card under each participant’s seat before the group begins. Ask participants to reach under their chair and retrieve their card. In pairs, they talk about the two cards and how the strength on the card relates to them.

2

Each person in the group completes the following statements: “I love to … I’m proud of the way I … I’m good at …”

3

Ask participants to talk about one good thing that happened between them and their young people during the week.

Feedback This section invites parents to air any concerns they have about the previous week, either in the session or about practical arrangements.

Pressing issues Using the brainstorming approach, address any pressing issues that arise.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Connectedness (being connected to at least one adult) has been identified as a critical protective factor for young people. Young people themselves see being connected to a good group of friends as crucial for their sense of wellbeing and mental health. Young people expect parents to make the rules and to set boundaries; they feel that this contributes to their wellbeing. There are various situations in which young people can feel connected: • sports clubs • peer-based activities • youth and community clubs • church and music groups. When young people feel connected to their family (immediate and extended), community, church, sports team or interest group, they have a number of ‘safe’ adults and peers in whom they can confide and share their lives. Young people need to feel loved and supported by their family even though they do not always show it. Most young people expect to be nagged by their parents about doing homework and other tasks, and expect parents to set rules that they will disagree with.

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Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Use the handout on page 95 as a guide for brainstorming activities in the group.

Activities 1 Engage parents in a discussion on the risk factors that young people could experience, or be exposed to, in this age group. Some examples may be: exposure to drug taking, under-age drinking unprotected sex dangerous risk-taking behaviours inappropriate peers uncaring family unsafe home environment inattentive adults. Ask parents to form small groups and discuss what it was like when they were in this age group. Ask questions such as: “What were the risk-taking behaviours you participated in?” “What were the outcomes?” “Did your parents find out?” “If they did, what were the consequences?” 2 Put the following scenario to the group: Your 16-year-old son has been accepted into the school basketball team, which is a great honour. There is a lot of excitement about the first match. The night before the match your son is too excited to sleep. On the big day your son goes off to school without his basketball shoes. He is not allowed to play on the court without the right footwear, and the team cannot compete without the full complement of players. Ask the group to comment on these questions: “To whom does the problem belong?” “What can the 16-year-old do?” “What can the parent do so that the 16-year-old’s emotional wellbeing is not damaged?” Begin a discussion about the time and place for a young person to learn the consequences of his or her actions and the need for these to be times when the young person can learn in a safe environment. The above scenario is not the time or place to expect the young person to bear the consequences of his mistake. A whole team is depending on him and he may never recover from the embarrassment of letting the team down. A caring family would get those basketball shoes to the match as quickly as possible to allow the young person to maintain his emotional wellbeing.

Homework (choose one) Ask parents to look for opportunities during the week to spend some time with their young person that is positive and enjoyable. Ask parents to rethink their attitude to having to drive their young person everywhere. Perhaps this can be an opportunity for a meaningful conversation in which parents listen and the young person talks.

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Wind down (choose one) 1

Ask parents to think of one thing that they are looking forward to during the next week.

2

Ask parents to be conscious of planning at least one time during the week when they do something for themselves.

Resources Crombie, D. (dir.) (1991) Parents and Teenagers Getting It Together, video, Hendon, SA: South Australian Film Corporation. Fuller, A. (1998) From Surviving to Thriving—Promoting mental health in young people, Melbourne: ACER Press. Fuller, A. (2000) Raising Real People. A guide for parents of teenagers, Melbourne: ACER Press. Gordon, J. & Grant, G. (1997) How We Feel—An insight into the emotional world of teenagers, London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers Limited. Hazelhurst, N. (1993) How to Raise Happy Kids, video, Seeandem Productions. Jenkin, C. (1994) PACE: Parenting Adolescents, A creative experience, Melbourne: Constance Jenkin & Dr Di Bretherton. Queensland Centre for Prevention of Child Abuse (1990) The Teenager,The Parents and How to Survive, video, Department of Family Services and Aboriginal and Islander Affairs. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources Strength Cards, available from www.stlukes.org.au.

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From Strength to Strength

HANDOUT

15–18 years: Emotional wellbeing Healthy emotional wellbeing is essential in order to feel good about yourself and to be confident and happy in life. Emotional wellbeing can vary, depending on interactions with others, life events and particular individual circumstances.

Group brainstorm activity Ways in which parents of young people aged 15–18 years can increase their young person’s emotional wellbeing:

It is essential that parents separate the way they feel about their young person’s behaviours from the way they feel about their young person. List some examples of how you can do this (for example “I always love you and your sister but I do not like the way you tease each other”):

As parents, it is important that our emotional wellbeing stays healthy and strong; what are some ways in which we can ensure this happens?

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Section

4

Additional and optional topics Introduction

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Bullying

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Homework

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Loss and grief

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Siblings

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Transition stages

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I ntroduction This section provides five additional topics that parents might want to discuss in their group: Bullying Homework Loss and grief Siblings Transition stages Each topic is set out as an examples of how a session on the topic might be run, with the following sections: Aims Before you begin Warm-up Theoretical framework Content Wind down

Resources The session outline for each topic is only one way you might facilitate the session. As in other sections of this manual, topics are designed to be ‘mixed and matched’. Parents may only need a little bit of information on one of the topics that can be integrated into another session. Warm-ups and wind downs can be modified, changed or replaced to suit the group. The content activities also are examples of possible activities for the topic; again, we suggest that you use activities to suit the group and its preferences.

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Bullying Aims To increase parents’ understanding of the complexities of bullying For parents to understand their role in bullying

Before you begin The topic of bullying could arise during any session. This section is not set out as a complete session—use the information provided here as the content section for a separate session on bullying, or incorporate it into the content section of another topic, such as behaviour and discipline.

Warm-up (choose one) Ask parents to imagine they have a magic wand. Each person in the group has a turn to say anything that starts with: “I’d wish for …” Invite parents to share one positive thing in their lives at the moment.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK ‘Bullying’ is a global term that describes a range of unacceptable behaviours ranging from name-calling to violent physical assault. Bullying is acknowledged as having long-term, negative effects on children. Bullying is a complex issue that involves the community at large. The values we hold in the community of rewarding competition and winning, viewing differences as inferior and people who do well in society as ‘tall poppies’ can be seen as conducive to a bullying environment. The definitions of bullying listed below are a compilation from a range of sources in Australia and overseas. Common elements in these definitions suggest that bullying involves the inappropriate use of power by one or more persons over another less powerful person or group, and is generally an act that is repeated over time. Bullying has been described by researchers as taking many forms which are often interrelated and which include: Verbal

(name-calling, put-downs, threats)

Physical

(hitting, punching, kicking, scratching, tripping, spitting)

Social

(ignoring, excluding, ostracising, alienating)

Psychological

(spreading rumours, stalking, dirty looks, hiding or damaging possessions)

Any interaction between two people which leaves one person feeling bad about him- or herself is bullying. Research indicates that the effects of childhood bullying can affect adult personal relationships, work relationships, parenting of the next generation and many other aspects of adults’ lives. Unfortunately, bullying is alive and well in our society. It is known as the ‘hidden curriculum’ in schools. Research has shown that both bully and victim have low emotional wellbeing and are often unable to make positive social relationships. We know that being either bully or victim affects a child’s mental wellbeing, sense of self and schoolwork. Parents can have an active role to play in helping children (both bully and victim) become happy, healthy adults. >>

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Professor Ken Rigby (1996), from the University of South Australia, says that bullying contains seven elements: 1 There is a desire to hurt. 2 This desire is acted upon. 3 The action is hurtful. 4 There is an imbalance of power. 5 There is no justification for the victim. 6 It is repeated. 7 The bully enjoys hurting the victim. All of the above elements are present when a bullying incident occurs. Bullying is not gender-specific; boys use more physical bullying but girls also bully by excluding their peers, talking maliciously behind their backs or to their faces and by making degrading or denigrating remarks about their peers. In a bullying situation there is the victim (on the receiving end of the bullying), the bully (the doer) and the audience (those who watch, witness or know of the situation). It is believed that the audience has the most influence in a bullying situation. If the audience does not allow the bullying to occur (by telling someone or talking the bully out of the action), bullying will decrease. The biggest barrier to preventing bullying from occurring is secrecy—that people do not feel safe to talk openly about bullying. The best way to prevent bullying is for everyone to talk about what bullying behaviour is and that the behaviour is not acceptable. Parents will be equally concerned about their child being a victim or bully, and may wonder what their role is in the situation. Both the victim and the bully need help, and neither may be able to do this on his or her own. Usually, a victim of bullying will tell a friend first, then a sibling, perhaps their parent, and usually the school will be the last to know. Parents should help their child by working together with the school or early childhood service to address the situation. Victims of bullying need to be encouraged to speak out, the audience needs to feel safe to speak out and the bully needs help, not punishment. Bullying behaviour needs to be understood rather than punished. Parents can help their children not to become victims of bullying by providing a safe and nurturing environment at home and encouraging them to be resilient children (see various parts of Section 3 on emotional wellbeing).

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Begin the discussion by asking the group “ Why are you concerned about bullying?” List all thoughts on butcher’s paper or a whiteboard.

Activity Ask participants to form pairs. Ask the question, “What is bullying?” and invite parents to discuss an experience of bullying they have personally experienced or observed. It is important to note that what one person considers to be bullying behaviour may not be the same for another, depending on the power balance.

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What can parents do? Parents can brainstorm some options for their children such as: Encouraging their child to tell someone if she or he is being bullied. Encouraging their child with some strategies such as walking away or a empowering retort. Checking with the school about its anti-bullying policy and working with the school to prevent bullying. If they are not happy with the school’s response, checking with education department authorities about appropriate anti-bullying policies and procedures. Working closely with other parents and the school to prevent bullying in the school.

Wind down (choose one) Invite parents to state one activity or event they would like to share with their child during the week. Invite parents to share one thing they give their child to demonstrate how they feel about the child; for example, a hug or special time together.

Reference Rigby, K. (1996). Bullying in School—And what to do about it, Melbourne: ACER Press.

Resources Berne, S. (1996) Bully-proof Your Child, Melbourne: Thomas C. Lothian. Farrington, D.P. (1993). ‘Understanding and Preventing Bullying’, in M. Tonny and N. Morris (eds) Crime and Justice, vol. 17, Chicago: University of Chicago Press. Field, E. (1999) Bully Busting, Melbourne: Finch. Linke, P. (1998) Let’s Stop Bullying, Canberra: Australian Early Childhood Association. McNamara, B. E. & McNamara, F.J. (1997) Keys to Dealing with Bullies, New York: Barrons Educational Series Inc. Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at School: What we know and what we can do, Cambridge, Massachusetts: Blackwell. Rigby, K. (2000) An Anti-bullying Handbook for School Educators, Melbourne: ACER Press. Smith, P.K. et al. (eds) (1999) The Nature of School Bullying, London: Routledge. Whitehouse, E. & Pudney, W. (1996) A Volcano In My Tummy. Helping children to handle anger, Gabriola Island, BC,Canada: New Society Publishers. USEFUL WEBSITES www.loretonh.nsw.edu.au/pastoral/ www.education.unisa.edu.au/bullying

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Homework Aim For parents to understand the purpose and expectations of homework according to their child’s age and stage of development

Before you begin This information is not set out as a complete session. The topic of homework invariably comes up in mainstream parenting groups. If ‘homework’ is a pressing issue for one or more parents in the group, you may choose to incorporate some of the following ideas and expectations into a more general session (such as emotional wellbeing or behaviour and discipline).

Warm-ups (choose one) Ask parents to think of a characteristic or skill they would like to have or have more of, and why. Ask parents to think back to their best/worst homework project and share with the group why this was so.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Homework has become more of an issue in recent years as more children and young people are staying at school longer and going on to some form of formal tertiary education. Parents and students feel increasing pressure to achieve and get ahead academically. Often, if students are not high achievers academically or are not supported by their parents and teachers, they rebel by rejecting formal education. Children and young people today often engage in a wide range of extra-curricular activities which are not necessarily associated with school. These activities promote and develop opportunities for children and young people to be creative, adventurous and to learn about other cultures and languages, as well as to be part of a team. As such, these activities are an important addition to children’s and young people’s broader education, and need to be considered in light of the expectations of both school and of parents in setting formal homework tasks. Judith Paphazy (a psychologist and former school principal) says that a parent’s role in homework is to: • set up a space in the house for the homework to occur; that is, a desk/bench/table and chair in a private or quiet area • make sure there is appropriate heating/cooling and lighting • assist their child in obtaining the appropriate library card, using the library facilities etc. The parent’s job is not to do the homework (Paphazy, 1993, p.28). Homework for pre-schoolers Children, when they enter the formal school education setting, are learning and practising a range of life skills on a daily basis. As such, at this age children should not be given any formal homework. The major developmental tasks they are undertaking at this time are their ‘work’. To set them formal tasks is unnecessary and may cause stress and pressure all around. Learning at this age is often unstructured, through play activities. >>

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Refer to the child development section for this age group (page 43) for additional information. The pre-school child’s learning activities include: • Becoming an individual and separating from parents • Learning to get along with siblings and with others in the peer group • Learning to communicate needs—including learning how to prioritise needs and wait. Homework in the early years of primary school Starting school marks the beginning of a huge learning curve for children. They begin to learn new systems, develop new relationships and are usually part of the youngest and smallest group in the school yard. Parents should find out the school’s expectations of homework for this younger age group. Generally, homework should be brief and focused on reinforcing the skills learned at school: a home reader that takes 10 minutes, practising the alphabet or counting numbers out loud, for example. Parents will need to be prepared to help children in this age group with their homework tasks. Homework in upper primary school Again, it is advisable for parents to discuss with their child’s school its expectations for homework tasks. If the school has a homework policy it should be communicated to parents and students early in the school year. Parents should communicate with the school if their family has any particular needs in relation to homework. For example, parents who are separated may need two copies of the homework tasks in order that each parent can oversee the homework according to which days the child resides with them. Parents need to remember that homework is for the child to learn and develop skills, not for the parent. If the child is required to gather or research information for a project, or make a model or something similar, part of the learning is in the doing. If parents take over, the child will not feel that she or he has the skills and abilities to do it. Parents do need to be available, however, to answer questions and possibly assist their child in planning for their homework tasks. Homework in the early secondary years Once secondary school begins, the amount of homework generally becomes greater in volume and diversity. The beginning of secondary school is a big transition time for children, and initially they may need parental assistance to organise themselves. It is important for parents to support their child in the completion of homework tasks. This does not involve parents actually completing the tasks themselves, however. Parents can assist their child by ensuring that she or he has the necessary environment that is conducive to completing homework. This will involve the child having his or her own desk or table and pens and other necessary stationery. Not all families have computers and other items of modern technology, and these are not absolutely essential. Many schools offer homework programs that students can attend out of hours in order to access computers and printers. In addition, most local libraries now have computers linked to the Internet that students can book for their use. Local libraries also offer homework assistance programs. While the Internet is a valuable resource, it is only an aid. Parents can support their child by establishing a homework routine and ensuring this is adhered to. Often, school diaries are used as a communication tool between teachers, parents and students. Parents can assist their child in planning for timely completion of assignments and essays if these are clearly written in the child’s homework planner. >>

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Homework in the middle to late secondary years Responsibility for completing homework should now lie primarily with the student, as this in itself involves consolidating the skills of organisation and time management. The parent’s role now is to ensure that the student has a private or quiet space in which to complete her or his homework. Some adolescents are able to concentrate on homework while listening to extremely loud music or watching television. If this is an issue for parents, they could negotiate that the adolescent uses headphones or earplugs; the important factor is that the homework is being completed and the adolescent is responsible for it.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Lead a discussion on parents’ feelings about the homework their children are being given; for example, is there too much or not enough? Parents may want to discuss how to assist their children with homework, the fine line between assisting and actually ‘doing’ the homework. Parents could identify whose responsibility the homework is and discuss ways in which that can be communicated to their child.

Wind down (choose one) Invite parents to share with the group one way that they can support their children with their homework. Invite parents to share with the group one thing they can be involved in with their children during the coming week.

Reference Paphazy, J. (1993) The Troublesome Years, Burwood: Flactem Pty Ltd.

Resources The following books have a section on homework: Elias, M.J., Tobias, S.E. & Friedlander, B.S. (1999) Emotional Intelligent Parenting: How to raise a self-disciplined, responsible, socially skilled child, New York: Harmony Books. Elkind, D. (1993) Parenting Your Teenager, New York: Ballantine Books. Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980) How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, New York: Avon Books. Irvine, J., Fotheringham, D. & Low, B. (2000) Thriving at School, East Roseville, NSW: Simon & Schuster. Irvine, J. (1998) Who’d Be a Parent? The manual that should have come with the kids, Sydney: Pan Macmillan. Severe, S. (2000) How to Behave SoYour Children Will Too, Milsons Point, NSW: Bantam Books.

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Loss and grief Aim To give parents an insight into the stages of loss and grief To inform parents on how to assist their children through an experience of loss and grief

Before you begin It would be unlikely that a whole session would be facilitated on this topic. The information provided here can assist parents in understanding that there are many situations in children’s lives in which they may experience some or all of the stages of loss and grief. In any situation in which there is change there is loss. From the loss there can be a range of experiences of grief. Loss and grief are part of everyday life—a normal human experience. More families than ever before experience trauma, and thus experience loss and grief. All parents in the group may be feeling the grief that follows a loss. The loss may be of a child moving through a developmental milestone before the parent is ready, a transitional loss, a child being removed from the parent’s care, or a child coming to have additional needs or dying. Under stress, a child or an adult can lose developmental ground and ‘regress’ to an earlier stage or state. These temporary losses need to be acknowledged and accepted. It is important that you, as facilitator, acknowledge the parent’s loss and allow him or her to grieve.

Warm-ups (choose one) Invite parents to share with the group something they are looking forward to in the coming week and the feeling that evokes. Invite parents to share with the group one feeling they remember from a situation of loss and grief that they have experienced.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Grief is not only experienced when there is a death or tragedy. Adults and children can experience grief where an unexpected loss occurs. Such losses for adults can include unemployment, illness, moving house and change of job or role as well as the conventional interpretation of loss such as a death, separation, disability or miscarriage. Grief often accompanies an experience that is different from a preconceived plan or dream, such as a child not getting married and having children, having a different sexuality than parents had expected, or having a different way of life or career. For children, losses can include theft of possessions, moving house or school, moving through transition stages, or growing out of using a dummy or drinking from a baby bottle. Other examples include death of a pet, a friend moving away, changes in the family situation, changes in body development (onset of puberty) or being left out of the friendship group. It is important to remember that different members of the same family can experience the same loss differently. Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying (1997), identifies the stages of grief as: Denial—the loss has not occurred Anger—why me? Bargaining—if the loss can be returned then I will …

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Depression Acceptance It is possible for some people move back and forth through these stages without ever reaching the final stage of acceptance, such as parents of children with a disability or illness. With each diagnosis that is not positive, the parents may return to the stages of denial and/or anger, continue to be depressed and never move on to a stage of acceptance. It is now understood that there is no ‘right way’ to grieve, no predetermined order for the stages of grief and no timelines. All emotions that are felt in relation to grief are legitimate, and it is important to support people’s grief and allow them to stay in a stage while working through it. There is now greater understanding in the community about the importance of parents sharing their feelings of grief with children and the associated emotions that are experienced. Even very young children know when their parents are upset and can experience feelings of grief themselves. It is important for parents to share these feelings with their children and tell them the truth about what has happened, in the context of their age and developmental stage. There are some losses that bring the deepest and most painful grief, such as the loss of a loved one (whether expected or not), and for a parent the loss of a child or partner. Worden (1991) talks about the four stages of mourning (adapting to loss) and states, “… it is essential that the grieving person accomplish these tasks before mourning can be completed. Incomplete grief tasks can impair further growth and development”. Worden’s stages of mourning are: 1 To accept the reality of the loss 2 To work through the pain of grief 3 To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing 4 To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. Tell the handbag story (see page 107). Invite parents to listen to the story and to discuss in pairs the different feelings that they experience as they listen to the story—match these feelings against the Kübler-Ross stages of loss and grief. (You may need to adapt the story to take into account gender and other differences in the group.) Ask parents to work in small groups. Assign a stage of loss and grief to each small group; for example, one group will have ‘denial’, another group ‘anger’, another ‘bargaining’, another group ‘depression’ and the final group ‘acceptance’. Invite each group to explore whether participants have ever felt or been in the stage they are discussing. The parents can consider questions such as “What was the situation? How long did it last? Has it been resolved? How did it feel?” Decide whether to ask parents to feed back to the larger group, or to leave the discussion in the small groups.

Wind down (choose one) Ask the group to share one new thought they will take away from the session. Invite parents to think about something they can do for themselves during the coming week that will allow them to feel refreshed afterwards.

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Reference Kübler-Ross, E. (1973) On Death and Dying, London, Sydney: Tavistock Publications.

Resources Worden, J.W. (1991) Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy. A handbook for the mental health practitioner, 2nd edition, London: Tavistock Publications. USEFUL WEBSITES and CENTRES

Centre for Grief Education website: www.grief.org.au, e-mail: [email protected]. Nelson Brothers Bereavement Resource Centre website: www.nelsonbros.com.au, e-mail: [email protected].

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From Strength to Strength

STORY

Handbag Story Setting up Ask participants to close their eyes and relax. Ask them to imagine they own an expensive handbag. “The handbag is very precious to you because it was a gift from a very special friend.You take it everywhere with you. In your handbag is: • $500 in cash (you have just been to the bank) • passport • bank and credit cards • bank details • driver’s licence • spectacles or sunglasses • the latest photographs of the family • antique jewellery that belonged to a deceased family member (you are taking it to be repaired) • diary.”

(Participants are to keep their eyes closed as you continue with the story.) “Clutching the bag, you’re off shopping for a special party. Imagine getting into your car to go to the supermarket, stopping at school on the way to pick up the children. Now imagine yourself with children in tow, going up and down the aisles, selecting what you need for the party. All the while the children are bickering and whingeing. Eventually, with a trolley full of goodies you check out.You carry the goods out to the car, and as the children continue to fight you unpack the trolley into the car, return the trolley to the supermarket and drive home. You begin to unpack the groceries. You ask the children to help. Picture yourself stacking everything on the table and feeling utterly exhausted. The children are emptying the bags as they rummage through for their treats. You get yourself a drink and something for the children to eat. As you sip your drink you reflect on the price of what you have purchased and reach for your bag to check the docket. You walk over to where you usually put your bag and you can see it is not there.”

(Ask participants to open their eyes.)

Stage of denial “What are your immediate feelings or thoughts?” Feelings—shock, disbelief, denial Thoughts—must have left it somewhere else “You ask the children whether they have seen your handbag, but they say no. What would you do next?” Look in the car. Retrace your steps. Look through all the grocery bags. Look through the cupboards in which you have put the groceries. Ring the supermarket. Drive back to the supermarket. >>

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From Strength to Strength

STORY (continued)

Stage of anger “What do you say to yourself?” Do you: • • • • •

Get mad at yourself Get mad at your partner Get mad at the kids Blame the long check-out line Blame the kids’ behaviour?

Stage of bargaining “If I get the bag back I will …”

Stage of depression (sadness) “As you calm down a bit, you begin to reflect on what it is that you have lost.”

(Read from the list at the beginning of the story.) “How do you feel?” Recognition that the bag is lost—maybe you have a good cry Maybe you decide to get on with the business at hand— cancelling the old passport, applying for new passport, cancelling bank and credit cards etc.

Stage of resolution “How do you feel?”

(Some people never reach this stage of resolution.) Talk about how you may never recover—things are fixed as best as they can and you get on with life “How would you feel the next day? How would you feel a week later? How would you feel in 6 months?”

People will express different reactions to the loss of the bag—and all reactions are acceptable; some people recover quickly (“it is just a bag”), others take much longer (“it was so much more than a bag—it was full of memories”).

Acknowledgement The authors wish to thank Constance Jenkin for permission to use this story.

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Siblings Aims For parents to better understand the reasons behind often volatile relationships between siblings For parents to gain ideas, skills and strategies in the development of positive sibling relationships

Before you begin This section on siblings may not form a whole session, but may be incorporated into other sessions. However, for some parents this topic needs a whole session. For this reason we have provided some specific, content-focused warm-ups as well as activities for the content section. The information provided here can be used for both a separate session and in combination with another topic. The warm-ups and content can be used in a session specifically on siblings. The theoretical framework and important points may be useful information to apply for use in other sessions.

Warm-ups (choose one) 1

Ask parents to form small groups of ‘eldest children’, ‘youngest children’ and ‘middle children’, depending on their birth order in their family of origin. Each group can discuss what they liked and disliked about being the eldest or middle child or youngest child. This information can then be shared in the larger group.

2

In the same groups as above, discuss the role of their parents in handling the conflict between siblings. Feedback to the larger group can be an activity for later in the session.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK Parents often have a naïve notion that their first child will love the next child as much as they do. From the children’s point of view, no one has ever consulted them on whether there should be another child, and then they are expected to love the new person unconditionally. It is important that parents remember that: • Each child needs to feel loved. • Each child has feelings that need to be respected, valued and validated. • Each child needs to be acknowledged for her or his strengths and individuality, so there is no need to be jealous of siblings. • No child likes to be compared with other children (siblings or others). Children in a family in which there is fighting, bickering, teasing, taunting and hurting use these experiences as their way of preparing for the conflicts they will encounter in the world. Rivalry between siblings is normal and inevitable; children learn about themselves and each other through rivalry. It is important that parents do not take sides when siblings are fighting. If possible, and considering children’s developmental stages, children should be allowed to start to sort out their problems themselves. This will give them life skills in conflict resolution and problem solving. Children do not need to observe or be involved in domestic disputes, as these situations do not give children positive and peaceful examples of problem solving. >>

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Parents should be mindful of giving children attention when they are good and acting appropriately, not just giving attention when children are fighting or being negative and hard to get along with. Parents need to nurture the individual’s interests, friendships and strengths, and should avoid comparisons. Giving children individual, one-to-one private time can assist in helping them feel unique and valued for themselves. Where possible, parents should ignore petty bickering, as this can provide conflict-resolution experiences. Children often learn to resolve their own conflicts better without adults getting involved; interfering adults or an audience can often fuel the children’s conflict. An element of conflict-resolution skills is learning about feelings and how the feelings of love and hate go hand in hand. Parents need to know that they can love their children equally and acknowledge feelings one sibling has for the other, no matter what they are. Children need to feel at ease with natural competitiveness. Learning to live with others in a family is one of the most important learning opportunities anyone can have. Parents can help children channel their hostile feelings into symbolic or creative outlets. The most important thing they may teach their child is how to live and share with a sibling. The ideal is to teach a child how to feel responsible for his or her siblings’ wellbeing, to see the other’s point of view. Any parental intervention should focus on helping the conflict situation and not taking the side of one sibling against the other. The following steps could be useful: 1 Make sure that the child is aware that you know he or she is angry—“You are sounding angry with that shouting”. 2 Listen to each child’s point of view. 3 Reflect back to the child the situation from each child’s point of view. 4 State that you are relying on the children to work out the problem themselves. 5 If this is not possible, then separate the children to allow them to ‘cool down’. Leave them with some ideas to assist them in resolving the situation.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. These exercises focus on parents in the group reflecting back on their childhood, thinking about how they felt and related to their own siblings. Ask the group: “Did you fight in your family of origin? Did two siblings gang up against the others? How did the eldest treat the others? What were the responsibilities of the eldest? How did she or he feel about this? Were you bullied? (physically or by nagging and other annoying behaviour) Did you bully? How did your parents resolve conflict between the siblings? How did you feel about your parents’ attempts? What did your parents do to decrease the hostility?

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What did your parents do that seemed to increase the hostility?” Ask parents to reflect on when their children are arguing: “What is the fighting about?” When children are fighting, think about any influencing external factors such as: The time of day Whether one child is pining for something or missing someone Are they hungry? Tired? Ask the group questions such as: “Do you have a favourite among your children? Do you find one child easier to relate to than the others? If so, why?” Ask parents to reflect on their own position in their family of origin and their treatment of their child in the same position in their family. This could be related to the earlier warm-up exercise. These exercises can help parents realise whether or not they are treating each of their children as an individual. Children can take on parents’ characteristics, and this may include personalities and temperaments. Parents may find that the child who is most like them can be the most difficult for them to manage.The traits that they do not like in themselves, that are now being displayed in one of their children, can cause conflict and maybe this is the child the parent always blames for sibling fights. Some tips for parents when children are fighting: Depending on the age of the children, ask yourself, “Can I leave them to sort it out themselves?” Attend to the injured party, and do not give attention to the aggressor. When fighting is heading towards hurting: 1

Ask both siblings to describe the behaviour (take an interest in hearing both points of view).

2

Establish limits with the children (“It is okay to be angry but I can’t let you hurt each other”).

3

Separate siblings if physical aggression is threatening.

4

Listen with full attention and an open mind.

Acknowledge children’s developmental stages. For example, young children cannot be expected to share, so it is unrealistic to expect that they will do this with a younger or an older sibling. Young children don’t understand or believe game rules are important; they may find it difficult to lose a game and can get upset when they do lose.

Wind down (choose one) Invite parents to share with the group one thing they can do for themselves the next time the children are fighting. Invite parents to work in pairs. Each parent is to think of something she or he can say/do that will decrease the fighting situation.

Resources Faber, E. & Mazlish, E. (1993) Siblings Without Rivalry, New York: Fireside, Rockefeller Centre. Grose, M. (2003) Why First-borns Rule the World and Last-borns Want To Change It, Milsons Point, NSW: Random House. Kidd, J. & Kidd, J. (1990) Dr Kidd on Sibling Rivalry, Sydney: Doubleday.

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Transition stages Aim For parents to understand what happens for the child and family during transition stages

Before you begin This information is not set out as a complete session; is anticipated that the information will be useful in all parenting groups. The life cycle is a continuous one, changing from one transition stage to another. You may consider facilitating a session on transition as it becomes relevant to the group. A group for parents of early adolescents, for example, may wish to include the transition period from primary school to secondary school as well as the transition to the developmental stage of adolescence, going out with peers, obtaining their learner’s permit and so on. Children and parents experience many varied and differing feelings with each transitional stage. Their experiences of the transitional stage could be very different. An example of this could be the child feeling excited about starting school and the parent feeling devastated about ‘losing her “baby”’. (See theoretical framework below.)

Warm-up (choose one) Invite parents to share with the group how they felt when their children went to school for the first time. Invite parents to share with the group how they felt when they left their family home.

THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The life cycle is made up of transitional stages. Children progress from one stage of development to another as they make their way through the journey of life, from baby to toddler to pre-schooler, to primary school age, then secondary school, tertiary education or first job. The child’s first relationship may develop at the same time as another transition stage, such as during the secondary school period or at the time of the first job. It is also an important transition time from being a single person, only considering one’s own needs, to thinking about another person’s needs, wants and feelings within a partnership. Leaving home to travel, to live with friends, or to live in a partnership are also transition times, as is starting a family and the new responsibilities this entails. For parents, further transitional stages appear as children continue the journey described above. The effect that children’s transition has on parents is often what parents want to talk about in parenting groups. The event of babies becoming toddlers, going to school, leaving home and making a life for themselves all affect and change parents. Other significant influences on parents can include looking after their own parents as they become older and more dependent. When working with parents on parent-related issues, transition stages will invariably be raised. It is important to be respectful of parents’ feelings about the transition. Parents experience a range of feelings as their children go through each transition. Some parents may be very excited about their baby becoming an independent toddle; other parents are grief-stricken, pining for the dependent baby that they have now ‘lost’. Similarly, some parents may be pleased, relieved or excited that their child is going to school, while others may feel sad, anxious or depressed. >>

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Parents will also have a range of feelings about their children’s transitional stages that allow them to be more independent, such as starting secondary school, going on a first date, to their first party, first job, leaving home, first sexual experience. Each step towards independence that the child takes requires parents to make adjustments and changes in their relationship with their child, which can present difficulties for both parents and children. Parents may struggle with the growing independence of their children and may not know the best way to encourage their children to separate from them. As a result, some parents may be overprotective of their children, not letting them go when they are ready, which may result in the child rebelling and becoming angry and upset. Alternatively, parents may be too free in allowing their children to gain independence, not setting any limits on how long children may stay out at night, for instance. This can result in children drifting away from their parents, thinking that their parents don’t care about them because they do not set any limits. The end result in both these cases is a distancing between the parents and children. It is important to keep the communication channels open and the relationship between parents and their children open and flexible in order to allow for the continuing transitional changes that occur.

Content Mix and match to suit the group, using one or more activities as time permits. An explanation of the cycle of loss and grief may make up some of the group content. Many parents undergo a grieving process when their children move from one transition stage to another. Parents may experience a sense of loss as that stage is left behind and the new stage begins (refer to the section on Loss and Grief on pages 104–106). A discussion of feelings and emotions, including feelings of loss and grief about each of the transition stages, would be appropriate for the group content. The main message to convey to parents is that all feelings they have about any or all of the transition stages are appropriate.Try to focus parents’ attention on gaining an understanding of how the child feels throughout the transition period, as well as reflecting on how they are feeling. Ask the group to remember how they felt and acted when they were going through the same transition stage. “How did you feel? How did your parents feel?” “How did you behave? How did your parents behave?” This could be a good way for parents to be able to have some empathy with their children. Perhaps parents could share with their children how they felt at the same age when faced with a similar situation.

Wind down (choose one) Invite parents to work in pairs to discuss how they will prepare themselves for their children’s next transition stage. Invite parents to share with the group how they will look after themselves when their children go through their next transition stage.

Resources These books have a section on transition: Fuller, A. (1998) From Surviving to Thriving: Promoting mental health in young people, Melbourne: ACER Press. Metcalfe, L. (1997) Parenting Towards Solutions: How parents can use the skills they already have to raise responsible loving kids, Paramus, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall Inc.

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Section

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Specialist modules Introduction

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Preparation for specialist parent groups

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Parents with similar backgrounds or issues Adolescent parents

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Indigenous Australian parents

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Parenting grandchildren

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Parenting in a step- or blended family

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Parents from culturally and linguistically diverse communities

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Parents of children with additional needs

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Caring for children in out-of-home care

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Sole parents

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Parents in crisis situations Parenting after violence in the home

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Parents in prison or on remand

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Parents involved with statutory child welfare services

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Parents with an intellectual disability

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Parents with a mental illness

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Parents with substance-abuse issues

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Introduction The fourteen specialist modules in this section are designed to assist you in planning and developing parent groups that focus on parents with specific needs. Many parents will fit into mainstream groups in which parents have children of the same age. However, if there are other factors in the family situations of these parents that have an impact on their parenting, then it is highly likely that these parents would benefit from participation in a group tailored to meet their specific needs. When planning a parent group, you need to ensure that participants will feel safe, secure and not too different from other parents in the group. For the parents included in these specialist modules, group work is still acknowledged as a powerful change agent in addressing personal issues and commonly experienced problems, as well as reducing feelings of isolation. Groups can provide opportunities for parents to meet others and develop and expand their social networks. Groups can also normalise the parenting experience, so that parents can benefit from sharing with others in similar situations while being able to contribute ideas that may assist others. For the facilitator, the preparation, planning and commencement of a group using the specialist modules will require much more attention and time than the core modules. The specialist modules focus on two broadly different groups of parents: parents with similar backgrounds or issues and parents in crisis situations (short-term and ongoing).

Parents with similar backgrounds or issues There are parents for whom being in a group with other parents who have the same background or issues is beneficial. These parents are not necessarily involved with other services or agencies; they just benefit more from being with other parents who are in a similar situation to themselves.They do not have to explain their situations (again), as all parents in the group know what they are going through and what is happening to them. Most often, these parents bond quickly with the other parents in the group, and gain confidence from hearing and learning from the others in the same situation. The parents in these groups may include: Adolescent parents Indigenous Australian parents Grandparents who are parenting grandchildren Parents and their partners in a step- or blended family Parents from culturally and linguistically diverse communities Parents of children with additional needs Parents caring for children in out-of-home care Sole parents

Parents in crisis situations Other parents who benefit from participation in group that is designed to meet their specific needs are those who have a history of disadvantage or dysfunction and/or a disability that has

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been part of their family life for several generations. These parents are likely to have a variety of services and agencies involved with them. Often, these parents, over time, have been labelled as ‘vulnerable’, ‘marginalised’ and ‘multi-problem’. They tend to present with many, varied and complex needs. It is difficult to accommodate parents in these situations within a ‘mainstream’ parenting group, as their own needs are great and their life experiences so different to other parents in those groups. The specialist groups of parents who have been included here are: Parents who have experienced violence in the home Parents in prison or on remand Parents involved with statutory child welfare services Parents with an intellectual disability Parents with a mental illness Parents with substance-abuse issues Parents identified in these groups can take up lots of time and are often in crisis.They are often involved in at least one tertiary service system; for example child protection, legal and prison/parole services. These parents can be a challenge to work with, and require patience and insight by facilitators into the ‘big picture’ of social, economic and political factors that impact on such families. Parents in these families often: feel powerless to take control over their lives can be pessimistic/negative about being able to make changes can have low self-esteem have had negative educational experiences are ‘concrete thinkers’—unable to make the connection that the way they act and behave towards their children has a direct impact on the children’s behaviour can have poor communication skills and/or can be easily led off the topic in the group are not used to relating in groups, and can be mistrustful of other parents and professionals are living in poverty, with a lack of financial stability having an impacting on a range of factors such as housing and health care have experienced childhood deprivation and find it difficult to give unconditional love. Schlosberg and Kagan (1989) describe these families as “families in perpetual crisis”. Such families are recognised as having experienced too much loss and trauma to be able to cope with the loss and emptiness that accompanies feelings of grief.The families then block the grief process and remain stuck in the stages of denial and rage (see Loss and grief section on pages 104–106). Another strong characteristic of families in perpetual crisis is their orientation to the present. There is seemingly no conscious thought of either the future or the past. Such families live very much ‘in the moment’. For professionals working with these families in order to facilitate change requiring a degree of insight on the part of the parent, the challenge is great and the frustration level high. Parenting is a role that has to be learnt; it does not always come naturally after the birth of a child. The role of parent is even more difficult when parents are struggling in adverse circumstances such as having a mental illness, an intellectual disability, an abusive childhood or having been parented in the substitute care system. Most often, parents attending mainstream parent groups do not have any significant involvement with other types of support services or organisations other than those that are universally accessed, such as maternal and child health services, early childhood services and the education system. The specialist modules in this section are designed for facilitators working with parents who are most often involved (voluntarily or otherwise) with specialist supports, systems Fro m

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and services. These other supports, systems and services are generally classified as ‘secondary support services’ through which the majority of referrals to these parent groups will come. It is important that these secondary supports remain in place while parents attend the parent group. This means that the parent group can focus primarily on parenting needs and child–parent relationships while the other supports continue to assist parents in meeting the competing needs that have an impact upon but are not directly related to parenting. Assessing a parent’s needs according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (see Figure 1, below) helps to identify the type of group that would best suit that parent at that point in time. It may be necessary for the parent to participate in a support group before attending the parent group, or to attend a parent group that has a support group component before commencing any sessions that focus on parenting skills and issues. Maslow (see Stephens, 2000) believed that humans have a hierarchy of needs that commence with the physical (air, food, water, sleep, warmth, sex). He argued that a person could only move up a level of need when the needs of the current level have been met. Mainstream parent groups acknowledge that parents will have their needs met according to Maslow’s lower levels outside the group. In attending the group they are able to concentrate fully on parenting issues, which will fulfill their intellectual needs. Figure 1: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

HIGH

7 Self-actualisation

To be all one is capable of

Parenting Programs 6 Aesthetic

5 Intellectual

4 Esteem

3 Love

2 Safety

LOW

1 Physical

Beauty, truth, order

To know, understand, comprehend

Competence, prestige, values, self-respect, success

To belong to family or group, community identification, to love and be loved, affection

Security, order, protection, freedom from fear

Air, food, water, sleep, warmth, sex

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The needs of parents in the specialist groups will be greater than those of parents from mainstream parent groups. It is possible that specialist parent groups can go some way towards meeting the needs of parents; however, you will need to carefully plan, assess and evaluate individual and group needs on a regular basis. When facilitating any parent group, a great deal of preparation is needed before the group commences. Specialist parent groups require a lot more work on the part of the facilitator prior to the first session, and the steps for preparation are different and more involved than for the core modules. You will need support from other professionals and, if relevant, agencies who have knowledge about and access to the families. It is advisable that you have experience in organising and facilitating a variety of mainstream parent groups before planning a specialist parent group. The experience gained in mainstream groups provides a good basis from which to develop the confidence and ability to facilitate a specialist parent group.

References Kagan, R. & Schlosberg (1989) Families in Perpetual Crisis, Markham, Ontario: Penguin Books. Stephens, D. (2000) The Maslow Business Reader, New York: Wiley.

Resources O’Brien, W. (1993) ‘Making Parent Education Relevant to Vulnerable Families’, Families, October.

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Preparation for specialist parent groups

Engaging with parents The engagement process between the facilitator and the participants in any group is a crucial one in determining the success or otherwise of a group. For parents attending a specialist parenting group, the engagement process should be carefully planned and conducted by the facilitator/s well before the group’s commencement. Ensure that you or your co-facilitator personally contacts each potential participant some days or weeks prior to the group commencing.This is best done during a face-to-face interview, in a non-threatening, familiar environment. A home visit to the parent is ideal, as this also gives you more information about the participant and his or her family situation. You need to establish some basic information in this initial interview, including: What would the parent like to learn or get out of participating in the group? Are there any factors at present that may impinge on the parent’s ability to attend the group consistently and to contribute (for example, does the parent have current involvement with the Children’s Court or another Court? Is her or his accommodation stable?) What does the family constellation look like—who is living in the family home at the moment and who has in the past? Does the parent require childcare? Does the parent know the venue for the group and how to get there? Does the parent want to attend the group on a voluntary basis, or is her or his attendance mandatory? What other services are involved with the family, how often and when? Does the parent identify his or her parenting issues? If so, what are these (in broad terms)? Reassure the parent that she or he will not be judged as a ‘bad parent’ for attending the group; many parents with all kinds of issues and problems attend parenting groups. The fact that they have made the decision to attend a group is extremely positive. If possible, tell the parent something about the other group participants—the ages of their children, for example. If the parent does require childcare, let her or him know that the expectation is that the child will attend childcare in a separate room. Tell the parent about the qualifications and experience of the childcarers and assure him or her that the children will be safe and well looked after. The day before the group is due to begin, contact participants by phone to remind them that the group is starting and to reassure them that everyone else will also be feeling nervous. Let them know that their contribution to the group will be valued and that you will be there to welcome them when they arrive. Some of the considerations in planning to facilitate a specialist group: Each specialist parenting group needs two facilitators (at least one needs to know about the families). For most of these groups, the referral becomes part of the engagement process with the parents (that is, a visit to the home might be involved before the parent joins the group).

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A lot of background/liaison work needs to be done with the agency or service referring the parent, in order to determine eligibility and the roles and responsibilities of all the professionals involved. The venue for the group needs to be non-threatening and non-stigmatising for parents. Some parents may require transportation to the group. How will this be arranged? The group may need interpreters for parents in the group who have difficulty with English. The group may need special guest speakers to talk about certain subjects that may be beyond the expertise of the facilitators, such as the legal procedures involved in custody issues. Some of these groups may take months to establish and become engaged, and will need to run for longer than the usual 8–10 weeks of a mainstream group. All parenting groups need to focus on building confidence and developing and enhancing emotional wellbeing, but these groups even more so. A theme of promoting self-care needs to underpin these groups. More than the usual refreshments may need to be provided, particularly in the ‘off pension’ week, when money may be tight and parents may not have a lot of food available. The name of the group may need to be carefully considered so as not to be stigmatising; for example, ‘Wednesday Parenting Group’, rather than ‘Parenting Group for Parents who have a substance-abuse problem’. The number of participants in the group needs to be considered. When parents have complex needs a smaller group is more beneficial. Consider also that not all participants will attend the group every week. Parents may need contact from the facilitators between sessions to keep them connected and supported. A caring letter (see page 26 for an example) from a facilitator during the week could be important to a family which only receives bills and letters from government authorities. A phone call the day before the group each week is useful to remind parents of the group. Parents should be provided with a folder or something that they bring each week that provides them with a sense of belonging to the group. For some parents this is may be the first time they attend a formal group program since early secondary school. Home visits should be conducted before the group starts, so that each participant has met at least one of the facilitators. Home visiting also assists facilitators in screening parents for eligibility or suitability. Some parents may not be ready to attend a parent group because they have more pressing needs or perhaps are being forced into attending the group by an organisation or professional. As with the core modules, these specialist modules use the session outline described on page 14. It is recommended that you use the first session of the group to establish what parents would like the group content to be. Modules can then be ‘mixed and matched’ accordingly. For the specialist groups, careful planning should take place particularly in the following areas: 1

The feedback section—as well as inviting parents to air concerns about any practicalities, use this session for parents to share anything that is stopping them from being able to participate completely in the group. Examples of this could include: A parent feeling unhappy about something someone has said in the group about her or his child A parent feeling unhappy about hearing something said about him or her outside the group.

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These issues need to be cleared up by allowing the unhappy parent to share a statement about how she or he feels, so that she or he can feel safe and acknowledged in the group. Making reference to the group rules, or making up a new group rule to cover this issue, may be enough to allow the parent with the concern and the group to move on. 2

The ‘pressing issue’ section may have to be firmly defined as the section in which to discuss pressing issues related to parenting concerns only. Any other issues can be discussed in the feedback section.

4

The ‘check-in’ section of the session outline is useful for parents with an intellectual disability who are in a parent group for a long period of time. Each session begins with the ‘check-in’, and the purpose is to allow the parents to share with the group what is occurring with, for example, court applications or case planning for continuing care of the children. Parents can also use this time to ‘let off steam’ about child protection services and the like. This section is short, and parents may choose to share something in this section or not. After check-in the group can move on to ‘feedback’ and/or ‘pressing issues’, as best meets the group’s needs.

4

The final session may lead to the formation of a support group (if there are resources with which to do so) or perhaps members of the group may benefit from a referral elsewhere.

As facilitator, you will need to be aware of the mandatory reporting regulations, your obligations and how how you will share this information with parents (see page 17). Many referrals to specialist groups come from other professionals working in services that are also involved with the parent, her or his child and/or the family as a whole. It is important to establish with other professionals and the parents what expectations and processes there will be around the sharing of information and feedback. Consideration now has to be given to the privacy laws that are in place and what information has to be shared. In this way, parents can be supported to sustain changes and can be given positive reinforcement for successes. In addition, coordination and collaboration between services and professionals can contribute towards more positive outcomes for parents, children and families, as the families receive the message that services are working together, alongside them.

Specialist group session components All of the specialist modules have the same headings (as listed below) under which information specifically relevant to each module is explained. A general summary of what is contained under each heading is outlined here. Note the icons used for each component for easy recognition.

Preparation This section identifies the group of parents, any special preparations and specific information that may be necessary in preparing for the group.

Possible group aims Every parent group needs to be planned from the start, based on clear aims and objectives. While each parent group is unique, some possible group aims and objectives specific to the needs of the specialist group are suggested. Make up your own aims according to the needs of the particular group—the aims provided are suggestions only.

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Facilitation It is highly recommended that two professionals facilitate all of the specialist modules. In each of the modules, the specialist skills needed by each facilitator is outlined. It is important to care for yourself while involved in the group, by making time to prepare for the sessions, debrief afterwards and seek out supervision to assist with issues when and if they arise.

Matching the group This section addresses some of the issues that may need to be considered when accepting referrals, advertising for parents to attend the group or taking inquires about the group. Unlike a mainstream parent group in which having children the same age may be enough to bind the group, in the specialist modules there often are other matching considerations that need to be considered, such as involvement with child protection services.

Childcare/children’s group Included under this heading are ideas for the type of childcare that may be required, including possible venues and staffing, and any specific requirements that need to be considered. For two of the specialist modules (Parents with an intellectual disability and Parenting after violence) the advantages of planning a separate children’s group with aims and objectives are described.

Referrals Suggestions are made as to where the possible referrals for parents to attend the particular group may come from. Additionally, this includes comment regarding some of the protocols that may have to be considered and followed.

Specific issues Specific situations particular to the group are discussed under this heading. These include parents’ learning styles, group rules and the needs and requirements of parents.

Possible content topics A list of weekly topics relating to the specialist group described has been included to assist facilitators in planning topics that are likely to be requested from parents, or those topics that would be of most benefit to parents. Material from the generalist modules will also need to be incorporated into these specialist groups as requested by parents. Facilitators can mix and match back to the generic sections as needed.

Suggestions for a first session All sessions can follow the session outlines used in the core modules, with some modification if necessary to meet the group’s needs. The first session of each specialist group is followed by content suggestions. If relevant to the group, use some of the content from the core sessions in Section 3. The first session should be non-threatening, with the emphasis on engaging parents as a group and enabling them to feel comfortable about participating in a group and to want to return the following week.

Following sessions After the first session, the outlines from the core modules (see Section 3) can be used to assist you in planning the next sessions. The session outline is as follows (see pages 15–16 for a full discussion of each section):

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Welcome

Warm-up

Feedback

Pressing issues

Content

Wind down

Close

Depending on what the parents want to discuss, you may want to refer to the core modules for ideas on warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Any resources that would be useful in planning and conducting the particular specialist module are included here. See also the resources in the core modules.

Evaluation See page 23 for a discussion of group evaluation. Evaluation should be built into the planning and delivery of the group sessions. Once you have agreed on the group aims and objectives, an evaluation of the group can be made on the basis of the original aims and objectives. Evaluation does not have to be complex or time consuming, but gaining feedback from parents and others involved in the group and its outcomes can assist in future planning. In addition, group evaluation lets you know whether the group has achieved its aims and objectives. Evaluation measures can include pre- and post-test measures that can be administered to participants at each session, or once before the group commences and then again at the final session (the handout on page 124 provides an example of a weekly evaluation form for use by facilitators). A positive evaluation of the group may support a request for funding and resourcing.While facilitators of parent groups will only be able to undertake a basic evaluation of the group, it may be useful to talk to a local university or TAFE college which may have students available to conduct a more thorough and longitudinal evaluation of the group.

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From Strength to Strength

WEEKLY EVALUATION

Session date: Session number: Number of participants: Number absent: What (if any) was the pressing issue that was raised in the group, and by whom?

What were the major group process issues?

What were the major group content issues?

What could you change about the structure or nature of the group this week to improve it for the next week?

Is there any individual or group follow-up that needs to take place before the next session?

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Adolescent parents Preparation Adolescent parents are exactly that: both adolescents and parents. The most effective groups for adolescent parents are groups that take into account participants’ parenting role along with their stage of adolescence. These groups are most effective when they are designed so that one week the parents have their adolescent needs met by, for example, going to the movies, ten pin bowling or another fun activity, and the alternate week the group can focus on the parenting issues it has identified. Adolescent parents are stigmatised in the community, and often are criticised for becoming parents at such a young age. They suffer from stereotyping in the community, and are discriminated against by older parents, as: unable to parent properly having deliberately become pregnant just to get government handouts. The reality is that adolescent parents commonly: suffer from social isolation lack empathic and practical support have inadequate, low incomes sometimes live in inadequate and unstable accommodation.

Possible group aims For parents to form support networks and friendships To provide a safe, nurturing environment for parents to explore issues that are relevant to them To have fun so parents will want to keep coming to the group To explore options; for parents to make informed choices about, for example, their parenting, health care and future education

Facilitation Facilitation of an adolescent parent group needs to be carefully considered. An adolescent peer facilitator with a professional who is experienced in group work could be a good combination. At least one of the facilitators needs to have some credibility with the young parents (perhaps a youth worker or peer support worker). A Maternal and Child Health Nurse and a youth worker/peer support worker can be a good professional combination for facilitating this group. Facilitators will need to have the following: Empathy and understanding for the issues confronting an adolescent who becomes a parent An understanding of loss and grief if the adolescent parent had not chosen to be a parent A non-judgemental approach towards the parents A fair degree of flexibility (Be prepared to change the group format to meet the needs of the parents) Information on available community support and resources (For more information on facilitation, refer to pages 11–12.)

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Matching the group All the parents in the group will need to be around the same age and level of maturity. A specification of the age of these young parents needs to be established by the facilitators. Generally, adolescent parents are in the age range 14–24 years. The choice of venue is crucial, as adolescent parents will attend only if they feel safe in the venue and they can see ‘the point’ of attending. A Maternal and Child Health Centre is a possible, non-stigmatising venue if the adolescent parents have a good rapport with the nurse. The other advantage is that they are able to see the nurse before or after the group. Many adolescent parents are defensive of their parenting, and may view a parent group as a criticism of their parenting skills—buying into the myth that you only attend a parenting group if you are a bad parent. Adolescent parents can benefit from having a rapport with a trusted professional or family member who will encourage them to attend the group and support them in their parenting.

Childcare/children’s group You will need to check with the parents as to whether they expect their children to be with them or in childcare during the group. For this group of parents, attachment and bonding can often be an issue. If the majority of parents wish to have their children join them in the group, the facilitator needs to respect this decision and design the group sessions accordingly.

Referrals Maternal and Child Health Nurses are a major source of referral, as they provide a universal service to new mothers. Referrals could also come from antenatal sources, as well as from the parents themselves who may bring a friend who is also a young parent.

Specific issues As already mentioned, a proven successful structure for groups aimed at adolescent parents is to focus on adolescent issues one week (that is, excitement/adventure, relating to peer group) and parenting issues the next. Ensure that the parents have input into the weekly topics—check at the end of each week that the group agrees on the topic for discussion the following week. It is critical that parents in the group do not feel the group is too structured and ‘like school’.This approach does not fit with adult learning principles (see page 13 for a discussion), and may not meet the needs of the parents attending the group, many of whom may recently have left behind an unhappy experience at school. Other considerations: What will be the impact of babies present in the group if this decision is taken by the group? The group time needs to be arranged to fit in with adolescent parents’ lifestyle. Providing food is a good engagement strategy, and also provides opportunities for informal networking and relaxation, so arrange to hold the group over lunch, morning or afternoon tea. You may need to organise a range of guest speakers, such as a dietician, if this is what the parents require. Providing written information on topics the parents are interested in could be useful. Parents may want to bring someone with them to the group at first—perhaps a friend or partner—you will need to be flexible about support people/friends attending the group. Transport may need to be provided until the parents can work out the best way to get to the venue. The group format needs to be simple and consistent. Using the ‘pressing issues’ section to see how individuals are progressing, followed by content and the agreed topic for the following week, may be enough.

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Possible content Living arrangements and difficulties with parents, partners and/or as a sole parent Differences in parenting ideas between parents/family/partner Financial situations Continuing education Childcare needed while working/studying Child development Routines and managing with baby/child Conflict between being an adolescent and wanting to go out and be part of the ‘teen scene’ versus being a responsible parent Grief of lost adolescence, especially if the parent did not choose to become pregnant Future directions—work/study/travel Basic practical information on, for example, diet, children’s teeth, child safety, baby massage, sleep settling and routines, homemade toys Possible excursions for the group: – library (for story time for child, borrowing toys, books etc.) – local pool (to swim with child, perhaps water-confidence lessons) – ten pin bowling – children’s farm/zoo – picnics, barbeques – resources and networking opportunities Guest speakers on: – budgeting (including Centrelink options) – study opportunities (including returning to school) – housing options – baby’s/child’s nutritional needs – baby massage

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that the parents feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Parents are engaged in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Around the group, ask each parent to tell the others the name of her or his baby/toddler and how she or he decided on that name.

Suggested group rules One of the facilitators should lead a group discussion around rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form and may include some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others

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Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality within the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, write them on butcher’s paper and place the list where all group members can see it each week.When necessary, bring these rules to the group’s attention, but it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a young parent and what has been the hardest?” From the comments coming out of this discussion draft a list of possible content topics for the group (see above). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics—it may be that the parents do not want to choose all their topics in the first session but wish to plan only one week ahead.You will need to abide by the group decision.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength she or he has as a parent and one card that represents a strength he or she has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules in Section 3 for ideas to design the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell Victoria 3124, or see the website at www.acerpress.com.au.

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Indigenous Australian parents Preparation You need to be an Indigenous person to be able to facilitate any parenting group with Indigenous Australian (Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander) parents. The facilitator needs to be an accepted and trusted person in the Indigenous community in which she or he is working. Australia has a history of atrocities committed against its Indigenous people, including the removal of traditional lands on which they hunted and fed their families, and the destruction of sacred sites. In addition, traditional family groupings were destroyed when Indigenous Australian children were removed from their parents and extended families, resulting in what is now referred to as the ‘stolen generation’ or the ‘lost generation’. Australian government legislation, policies and practices have had, and continue to have, a devastating impact on Indigenous families and communities across Australia. Indigenous Australian people today are struggling to reclaim their ancient parenting customs and traditions. Many Indigenous Australians who belong to the ‘stolen generation’ are faced with a lack of knowledge and connection with their people and their land. Despite its obvious benefits, attending a parent group is not a natural part of Indigenous Australian cultures and ways of life, so careful preparation is needed. In families and communities in which traditional parenting practices and beliefs are practised, difficulties can occur when these are conflict with Australian law relating to the safety and protection of children and young people. As facilitator, you will need to be very clear about your responsibilities in relation to child abuse and neglect.

Possible group aims To provide a safe and nurturing environment in which parents can explore issues that are relevant to them To provide parents with a range of parenting skills and strategies that they can confidently apply in parenting their children For parents to gain an understanding of child development and for their expectations of their children to match that stage of development To increase the confidence and self-esteem of parents To have fun

Facilitation Two facilitators are needed both of Indigenous Australian background, with knowledge of Indigenous cultures, customs and parenting beliefs. At least one facilitator should be experienced in group work, group process and dynamics, and adult learning principles. If only one of the facilitators is of Indigenous Australian background, then she or he needs to be the active leader of the group. The other facilitator’s role would be to support this facilitator, and ideally should have a working knowledge of parent groups, parenting styles and the laws regarding abuse and neglect of children in Australia. One of the facilitators needs to have a knowledge of referral processes to other agencies and services which are understanding and respectful of Indigenous Australians. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

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Matching the group Participants need to be accepted in the local Indigenous community before they can attend the group. Facilitators need an awareness of any conflicts between families (if participants from conflicting families are to attend the group they should only attend if they agree to keep their personal conflicts out of the group). Participants attending the group do not necessarily need to have children of the same age. Home visits prior to the group commencing are essential in ensuring that participants do not have other overriding needs (such as lack of housing) that would prevent them from gaining the maximum from the group experience.

Childcare/children’s group Due to the extended family networks that exist in Indigenous Australian communities, childcare is generally not required.

Referrals Referrals will inevitably come through workers who live in the community, are part of the culture and are possibly working with the parents in another capacity. Other referrals may come from Maternal and Child Health Nurses, drug and alcohol workers and child protection professionals. Participants will need to know, trust and respect at least one of the facilitators.

Specific issues Respect and trust across cultures are imperative for the group to be a success. Parents need to feel valued by both the facilitators as well as the other parents. Parents need to be able to tell their story.There may be loss and grief shared, depending on how many families have lost connection with family members through the ‘stolen generation’. Some parents may be grieving for lost, missing or deceased members of their family. A variety of feelings may be shared and these need to be acknowledged by the facilitators and dealt with in a sensitive, empathic way. The most crucial decision to make is the choice of venue. The venue needs to be accepted in the community, must be friendly and comfortable such as a Multifunctional Aboriginal Childcare Centre (MACCC) or the local Aboriginal Cooperative. Participants need to be familiar with the venue, perhaps attending it for other purposes. Care needs to be taken that the venue is set up in a culturally appropriate way to enable parents attending to feel safe and acknowledged. Appropriate refreshments may need to be supplied; it may be necessary to make tea and coffee available throughout the session. Folders containing information about the dates and times of the group (as well as a place for parents to keep any handouts) need to be made available for participants.

Possible content Some topics that may be raised in the first session, and then used in the following sessions, could include: Loss and grief issues Exploring communication styles Peaceful conflict resolution

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Understanding child abuse and neglect in the Australian context Developing and acknowledging strengths of participants in their parenting role Understanding child development Understanding child behaviour, the reasons for various behaviours and the feelings behind them Living within two cultures Self-care and health care Building parenting capacity by empowering parents in their parenting role Parenting skills and strategies The long-term impact of institutionalisation on parents who have not been raised in a family environment Understanding child protection issues

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that parents feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Parents need to be engaged in the planning of sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Ask each person to introduce her- or himself and tell the group about her or his children’s names and ages. “Which group members are related to each other? Which land/country does each group member belong to?”

Suggested group rules One of the facilitators should lead a discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may include some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group. Respecting confidentiality within the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, write them on butcher’s paper and place them where all members of the group can see them each week. When necessary, bring these to the group’s attention. It may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “How have you learned to be a parent? What is one good thing about being a parent? What is the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion you should be able to draft a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide the order of content topics.

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Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength she or he has as a parent and one card that represents a strength he or she has as an Indigenous person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Butter-Bowden, T. (2002) Warrki Jarrinjaku Juntangkamanu Purananjaku ‘Working together everyone and listening’, Aboriginal Child Rearing and Associated Research: A review of the literature, Canberra: Commonwealth Department of Family and Community Services. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au. VACCA/Good Beginnings (2003) Aboriginal Parenting Project Stage 1, Melbourne: VACCA. Waltja Tjutangku Palyapanyi (2001) Pipirri Wiimaku ‘For the little kids’, Innovative Childcare Report 2000–2001, available from PO Box 8274, Alice Springs Northern Territory 0871, tel. (08) 89534488, fax (08) 8953 4577. WEBSITES www.fcs.wa.gov.au/templates/looking_after_kids/ (follow link to Aboriginal families) www.parenting.sa.gov.au/shop.asp (scroll down to Aboriginal parenting information)

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Parenting grandchildren Preparation Increasingly, grandparents have an active and influential role in raising their grandchildren. They may do this on a full-time basis if the child’s parent is unable to assume the primary parenting role, due to factors such as mental health, substance-abuse or related reasons. Alternatively, grandparents can have the responsibility for full-time child minding for preschool aged children when both the child’s parents are in the workforce. There are many advantages for children when their grandparents raise them. Grandparents can: Connect children (especially as they grow older) to their ‘roots’ Share values and attitudes they have learned from life Teach the importance of being a caring person Share an enjoyment for life and a sensible work ethic, whether in regard to homework in the school system or in the workforce Share the ‘ups and downs’ of life and resilience to overcome the ‘downs’ Have time to spend with grandchildren It may be an alien concept for grandparents to gather in a group situation to discuss parenting issues. When they first were parents, there were no such things as parent groups, as parents learned their parenting from their family.

Possible content To provide grandparents with an opportunity to meet other grandparents and widen their support and social networks To provide grandparents with a greater understanding of the developmental needs and stages of their grandchildren For grandparents to have an understanding of the pressures and issues faced by parents and children in current times To introduce grandparents to the principles of strength-based parenting To have fun

Facilitation An understanding of the needs and issues of this generation is necessary. One of the facilitators preferably should have experience in, or be working with, older people. If a particular cultural group is being targeted, then one facilitator should either be from that particular cultural background or have strong links and knowledge of it. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group Consider whether to include grandparents from all caring situations, or whether to distinguish between part-time and full-time carers or grandparents from a particular cultural group.

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Childcare/children’s groups Depending on the time of the session, childcare may need to be provided.

Referrals This group is likely to be a ‘hidden’ one and therefore difficult to make contact with. Statutory child welfare services may be able to assist with referrals of grandparents who have children placed on the basis of kinship. For grandparents who are primarily minding pre-school children, it may be useful to place notices in public places—local libraries or community health centres, or in the ‘what’s on’ section of the local newspaper. If a particular cultural group is to be targeted, then a Migrant Resource Centre, church or other gathering place for that particular group may assist with referrals.

Specific issues Up-to-date knowledge of the statutory child welfare system may be necessary if some of the grandparents are caring for their grandchildren as a result of a court order or decision made by a statutory child welfare system. Knowledge of any possible financial assistance (or where to get this information) for participants who may be in financial need would be useful. You need to have an understanding and appreciation of the issues that grandparents may raise in the group. It may be advantageous for one facilitator to be a grandparent (not necessarily caring for grandchildren), in order to gain credibility and empathy with the group. You also need to have an understanding of adult learning principles, and be comfortable with having participants express views on parenting that reflect the times when they were parents. There may be a combination of grandparents in the group who are happy to be parenting again, and others who are not. Comfortable seating and heating/cooling for the comfort of participants is an important consideration. Easy access to the venue, such as having wheelchair ramps and good public transport nearby, is essential. The group may have to meet during the day, with the time fitting in with school hours. Awareness of health issues of grandparents such as deteriorating eyesight or hearing needs to be considered.The venue’s acoustics may need to be checked before the group starts. Ensure that any handouts are clearly legible and in large print.

Possible content The generation gap—differences in parenting today and in your day, including discipline Communicating with your child about his or her child Praising the positives—why it is important The importance of support in your parenting role Lack of role modelling on ‘how to parent grandchildren’ Grieving for the ‘child-free’ lifestyle you were hoping for at this time in your life Organising support such as house cleaning, financial support and transport, to help you to get on with caring for your grandchildren Staying positive about your own children (even if you do not feel it), and giving this message to your grandchildren

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Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engaged participants in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session to crucial in the engagement process (see page 17–19.)

Warm-up Ask around the group for each person’s name and the names and ages of all their children and grandchildren. Ask, “Who has any grandchildren named after them?” Add up all the ages of the grandchildren to highlight how many years of grandparenting experience is reflected in the group.

Suggested group rules One facilitator leads a group discussion on developing some rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may include some seemingly basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other people’s family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if you are unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator can write them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a grandparent, and what has been the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength she or he has as a grandparent and one card that represents a strength he or she has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank participants for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

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Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources De Toledo, S. & Brown, D.E. (1995) Grandparents as Parents:A survival guide for raising a second family, New York: The Guildford Press. Ferguson, N. (Cardiff) Grandparenting in Divorced Families, AIFS Seminar 16 October 2003. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au.

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in a Parenting step- or blended family Preparation The definition of a step- or blended family is as follows: One or both partners have children from a former relationship living with them. Children of either parent live with them on a full-time basis, or visit regularly or occasionally. There are a number of myths that are common to stepfamilies; such as: Step- or blended families are the same as nuclear families. Together the step- or blended family will form a ‘Brady Bunch’ in which all are happy and harmonious. Stepfamilies are headed by either a wicked stepmother or a cruel stepfather. Step- or blended families are different from the nuclear family constellation in the following ways: There are no blood ties between some members of the family. They are created through loss—of relationships and unfulfilled hopes for the original family. An absent parent has influence in actuality or memory. Complex stepfamilies have many extended family members—for example, children can have up to eight grandparents. The step-parent’s role can be unclear—is she or he the disciplinarian or a friend? Does he or she have a parenting role? The participants who would be eligible for this parent group are parents and their new partners who have children from a previous relationship and are living in or planning a new relationship. Children of either parents could be living in the new relationship, either on a full-time or parttime basis. This family constellation can be called a ‘stepfamily’ or ‘blended family’. It is a complex entity, with many aspects that have to be considered.These include the original biological family, the new relationship, the previous relationship, and the children, if any, of each of the relationships. Parents may come to the group with a variety of strong feelings. As facilitator, you will need to be aware of these and have a range of group work and practical strategies to enable you to deal with them. It is possible that some participants will be experiencing intense feelings such as grief, distress, anger and frustration, and that these may overwhelm the group if not managed sensitively and effectively.

Possible group aims To assist parents in coming to terms with their feelings of grief, guilt and loss in relation to their parenting To raise the self-esteem and confidence of parents To provide opportunities for group members to share their stories and support each other To help parents to be able to better understand their situation from the child’s perspective To provide support and networking opportunities for parents

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To provide a realistic model in place of the nuclear family model To have fun

Facilitation Two facilitators are crucial for this group; ideally both will have knowledge about stepfamilies and group process, group dynamics and adult learning principles. Supervision for the facilitators after each group session can be a very valuable adjunct to keeping a clear perspective about the range of complex issues and intense emotions that participants will present. As facilitators you both need to have a similar philosophy about facilitating groups and adult learning principles.You need to have knowledge about the processes of loss and grief, and be able to acknowledge parents’ feelings, including the pain of being separated from either partners or children. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group It is useful to meet potential participants before the group starts, in order to assess whether they need counselling or other support services before they participate in a parent group. Make sure you have a good knowledge of the resources and appropriate support services available in the community in case participants need to be referred to them. Participants who need to be referred to other services may or may not realise that their issues are different to the other participants in the group. There are many advantages in participants coming to the group as a couple, as new partners often have very different perspectives. The most important challenge is for the new couple to become a team in order to manage the new family at the same time as consolidating the couple relationship. Participants may choose to attend a parent group when they: are deciding whether and how to form a new family are already together and difficulties are emerging have been in a relationship for a while and they have ‘hit the wall’. In reality, participants may span all three phases. While this can add complexity to group facilitation, it promotes good opportunities for participants to be a resource to each other.

Childcare/children’s group If participants are attending the group as a couple, the group may need to be held at night, depending on the time commitments of those who are working. If the group is being held during the day, then childcare should be provided as required. It would be important to have two experienced childcare workers who have a knowledge of children’s grief and loss processes. Children can continue to grieve for their original families even when both biological parents have remarried and have their own children. Childcare workers will need to have skills in child development, listening to children and understanding that children act out their feelings through their behaviour.

Referrals Links with the stepfamily organisations and other related agencies such as relationship education, counselling, family mediation agencies and children’s contact centres are a good source of referrals. Advertising in school newsletters and the local paper may also be useful in attracting potential participants to the group.

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Specific issues If couples attend the group, each partner’s needs may be different and there may be tensions for the couple, particularly in relation to parenting issues. Helping each partner understand the needs of the other as well as the needs of the children will be critical. It is necessary to create a safe environment in which all participants feel safe to talk about any aspect of parenting that they wish to. Participants also need to feel free to keep aspects of their parenting to themselves. Sensitivity to the loss, grief and pain that participants may be experiencing is essential. The parents in the group will be their own best resources, ideally offering each other empathy and support.

Possible content Coping with past relationships and losses Dispelling myths about stepfamilies Stages of the stepfamily Role of biological and non-biological parent in the stepfamily Communication skills Setting limits for children Understanding children’s emotions and behaviour ‘I’ messages Building positive self-esteem and confidence in children Roles of separated parents, grandparents and other extended family members The purpose and process of family meetings Juggling all the elements/issues in old and new families Peaceful conflict resolution Establishment of traditions and rituals taken from the original family and incorporated into the new family

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see page 17–19).

Warm-up Ask each participant to introduce her-or himself and number of years of parenting experience (note, this is not just for biological parents). The facilitator then adds up the years and gives the group some positive statement about the knowledge that is contained in the room in relation to parenting.

Suggested group rules One facilitators should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions g in ntin Pare ily 5 f am tion Sec

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Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a step- or blended family, and what has been the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength he or she has as a parent or step-parent, and one card that represents a strength she or he has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources The Stepfamily Association of Victoria Inc. (SAVI) organises and facilitates training for professionals interested in facilitating groups for parents who are in a step- or blended family. These training courses can be organised in any state or territory. It is strongly recommended that each facilitator attend such a course before beginning work with parents and their partners in a group situation. Gerrard, I. & Howden, M. (1998) Making StepfamiliesWork: A course for couples, leaders manual, SAVI, PO Box 322 Clifton Hill, Victoria 3068, tel. (03) 9481 1500, Fax (03) 9481 1700, e-mail [email protected]. www.stepfamily.org.au provides good links to other resources and support There is also a

participants’ handbook, Strengthening Your Stepfamily that accompanies the leader’s manual. Department of Family and Community Services (2000) Back on Track, Canberra: Commonwealth of Australia. Ridden, S. (2002) Hell…p!.. I’m a stepmother, Melbourne: ACER Press. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au. Webber, R. (1989 & 1994) Living in a Stepfamily (program and handbook), Melbourne: ACER Press. Webber, R. (1996) Split Ends:Teenage stepchildren, Melbourne: ACER Press. Fro m

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culturally Parentsandfrom linguistically diverse communities Preparation The parenting values, attitudes and beliefs of parents from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) communities need to be understood and respected so that these can then appropriately be incorporated into the program. You may need to consult with multicultural organisations, such as ethnic community councils and migrant resource centres, and community leaders in order to plan and design a meaningful parent group. Consideration should be taken of the following: The needs and aspirations of the cultural group, including those of women, new arrivals, refugees and parents with Temporary Protection Visas Cultural expectations and gender roles in relation to parenting Impact of immigration and the settlement process How different emotions are expressed culturally—anger, joy and happiness, for instance How praise is given and received How to use language and interpreting services Every culture has its own parenting values, attitudes and beliefs. These have often been part of that culture for many generations, and must be acknowledged by the facilitators. Difficulties can occur, however, when the parenting beliefs of a particular culture conflict with the law in the state or territory in which the group is being held. As facilitator, you must be very clear about your responsibilities in relation to child abuse and neglect, and mandatory reporting within your state or territory.

Possible group aims To provide a safe environment in which parents can talk about their parenting issues To assist parents from CALD backgrounds to develop realistic expectations of their children in relation to their stage of development To provide parents from CALD backgrounds with a range of skills and strategies to assist them in parenting their children in the Australian context To encourage group networking and support To provide parents with information about community resources that are available to assist them in their parenting role To have fun

Facilitation Two facilitators are needed to ensure that group process and content can be delivered smoothly. Ideally, both facilitators should be from the same cultural background as the participants, with an in-depth knowledge of that particular culture and the parenting beliefs. At least one of the facilitators should know about group work, group process, dynamics and adult learning principles.

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If only one facilitator is from the same cultural group as participants, then this facilitator need to be able to actively lead the group.The other facilitator’s role would be as a support; this facilitator could have knowledge about parent groups, Australian parenting styles and the laws regarding abuse and neglect of children in the Australian context. At least one facilitator may need to be bilingual, and may need to be a parent, depending on the requirements of the parents attending the group. (For more information on facilitation, see page 11–12.)

Matching the group Depending on the culture and recent history, parents from the same part of former country and the same religious background may need to be matched. You may presume that parents with children of the same age need to be placed together, but it is possible that religious and geographical connections are more important for appropriate and relevant parenting discussions in the group. These connections may lessen social isolation and adjustment to a new culture.

Childcare/children’s group If care is needed for the young children of parents attending the group, then it is ideal to employ childcare workers from the same cultural background as the children. This enables the children to have culturally appropriate activities, food and language provided for them.

Referrals Referrals will often come through the facilitator who is from the same cultural background, and who may already be working with the parents in another capacity. The worker will have already gained the trust of the parents and can initiate a parent group if that appears to meet the needs of the parents. A facilitator from outside the culture may find it difficult to initiate a parent group without the trust and contacts with parents in another capacity. Referrals may also be sought from relevant cultural community groups and organisations, neighbourhood houses, migrant resource centres and ethnic community councils. Community leaders and/or elders of the culture may need to be consulted for their approval for the group to be run, and they may need to be invited to attend some or all of the group sessions.

Specific issues Respect for the particular culture, its people and parenting ideologies is crucial. Facilitators should never portray Anglo–Saxon Australian parenting ways as superior. There is a need to be prepared to listen and learn from parents in the group as well as share information regarding Anglo–Saxon parenting styles. There needs to be an appreciation that the Anglo–Saxon Australian way of parenting is not at all perfect and that all parents, regardless of their cultural background, face challenges in raising children in today’s fast-moving world. Share with parents that all is not perfect in Australian homes in regard to parenting styles and strategies. The common element across all cultures is that parents generally all want their children to be happy and succeed in life. Myths about Australian parenting may exist in the culture and may need to dispelled. For example, parents from a CALD community may think that Australian parents do not discipline their children adequately, allow them have access to alcohol and drugs, and do not care about their children’s formal education. >>

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Studies on parenting around the world show that the Western, Anglo–Celtic approach to parenting can be difficult and isolating. In Westernised countries, biological parents are entirely responsible for raising their children, often with criticism rather than support from the community. Many non-Westernised cultures embrace the adage that ‘it takes a whole village to bring up a child’. Flexibility should be built into the way in which parents meet to discuss parenting issues.The traditional method of facilitating a group—for example, meeting weekly for 6 to 8 weeks for a 2-hour session may be totally inappropriate for parents from a CALD background. A Sunday family get-together, for example, may better meet the needs of parents from that community. Many parents from other cultures may only want to meet as a group to understand the values, attitudes and beliefs of Anglo–Saxon parents, and to learn about which behaviours of children are acceptable in Australia. Parents can feel vulnerable and disempowered in their parenting role when the country they live in has different attitudes and expectations.This is exacerbated when their own children can speak the new language better than their parents, and seem to pick up and embrace the new culture to the exclusion of the culture from which their parents are from. Parents in the group will be trying to work through what they can keep from their culture and what is not acceptable in Australia in relation to child abuse and neglect. It is important for parents to see what they have in common with Australian Anglo-Saxon parents, rather than just the differences. Parents often struggle with wanting their children to continue their own cultural beliefs and rituals. The children, however, are strongly influenced by Australian cultural norms and behaviours. This is especially so if the children/young people see the Australian way as providing more freedom than that of the culture of their parents. Parents from CALD backgrounds are reassured when they realise that Australian Anglo–Saxon parents are also struggling with parenting their children. There needs to be an understanding of who will attend the parenting group. In some cultures it may be the men who attend the group, as men are usually the ‘head’ of the family who makes the major parenting decisions, including about education, career and marriage. Some cultures do not allow women to attend any classes that discuss parenting issues. However, activity based classes such as sewing and cooking can be culturally acceptable if during these classes facilitators can raise parenting issues for discussion. In addition, if the culture has a hierarchy of elders (church or community based), it may be useful to talk to these key people to explain the aim of the parenting group and gain their trust and approval for the group to be conducted. Any written material provided in the group should be translated into the relevant community language.Written material should be kept simple, with pictures or diagrams to aid understanding. Respect and trust are imperative for the group to be a success. Parents need to feel valued by the facilitators and the other parents. Parents need to be able to tell their story. There may be grief and losses shared, depending on how parents first arrived into the new country, whether they chose to come or were forced to leave their homelands. Some parents may be grieving for lost, missing or deceased family members in their country of origin. Some parents may not have any other family in Australia, whereas others may have come to Australia to join family members. The practicalities of organising the group may include where and when to hold the group in order to meet the needs of parents. An appropriate and culturally sensitive venue may need to be found that is accessible and acceptable to the group. It may be that cooking needs to be an integral part of the program for a particular culture, so cooking facilities may need to be available. Appropriate refreshments may need to be supplied.

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Possible content Exploring communication styles Peaceful conflict resolution Understanding child abuse and neglect in the Australian context Helping your child deal with teasing, bullying and racism Understanding child development Understanding the reasons for and feelings behind child behaviour Juggling two cultures Grief over the loss of the culture of origin Supports and resources that are available in the community—Maternal and Child Health Nurses, schools, kindergartens

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Around the group, ask people to introduce themselves and tell the group the names and ages of their children. Where were the children born? If some children were born in Australia and other children in the country of origin, ask participants to tell the group one major difference between the birth experience in each country.

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What are the hopes and dreams that you have for your children?” From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

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Wind down Around the group, ask each parent to talk about a strength from her or his culture of origin that can be kept in her or his family in Australia.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Marymead Child and Family Centre (2000) Parenting Between Cultures: A program for parents from culturally and linguistically diverse communities, available from PO Box 4260, Kingston ACT 2604. Department of Justice Victoria (no date) Seeking Harmony: Vietnamese parents and teenagers, video, Footscray, Victoria: Catholic Family Welfare Bureau. www.mrcne.org.au has downloadable parenting guides available in Arabic, Samoan and Chinese.

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of children with Parents additional needs Preparation ‘Additional needs’ of a child is defined as anything extra that deviates from ‘normal’ child development and that means the child, and family, will need extra support. In this module, the ‘additional needs’ referred to is a disability of one kind or another. Working in a group situation with parents who have children with a disability requires facilitators who are sensitive to the needs of the whole family unit. Parents have many needs and may have feelings of loss and grief about their child.They may be trying to balance caring for this child with other children in the family, as well as managing their own adult relationship. The siblings of the child with a disability need special consideration—“How do they feel about the child with a disability and their place in the family?” Finally, the child with the disability and her or his complex and diverse needs warrant consideration and discussion. (The section on loss and grief might be helpful for this module; see page 104.) When parents are expecting a baby they usually wonder about whom the child will look like, whose eye and hair colour she or he will have. Parents dream about their child’s future, choice of school, profession and adulthood, and all of these dreams come crashing down when the baby is born with a severe disability. The impact of a baby born with a disability is great for the immediate family as well as the extended family and friends. In some cultures, a baby born with a disability signifies punishment from the past, but for all families it is a tragedy in which dreams and expectations are vastly different from reality. The family with a child with a disability struggles to accept its circumstances. The family goes through stages of loss and grief, but often never arrives at the final stage of acceptance. Often, the family will go into denial about what has happened, and certainly the family and friends will find it difficult to know what to do and say. The family members of a child with a disability lead very stressful lives. Inevitably, the needs of the child with a disability supersede all other family members’ needs. The child with a disability often needs several forms of treatment and therapy. Parents attend hospital sessions, which could include physiotherapy, occupational and speech therapy. Each of these therapists expects work to be done with the child at home, perhaps not being aware of the other children and the family’s needs. Parents can feel overwhelmed by all the tasks they need to achieve with the child with a disability, while also trying to be available for the other children who also have commitments such as sport or music that need parental input. The statistics for separation or divorce are higher among families who have a child with a disability than for the general population, so often the family is headed by a sole parent trying to meet everyone’s needs. Not every child with a disability is diagnosed at birth; some disabilities, diseases and syndromes are not diagnosed until the child attends an early childhood service. Parents may be in denial that their child is not meeting normal developmental milestones, or may not be aware. Often, it is the early childhood worker or specialist early childhood professional who talks to the parents about their observations of their child’s development, recommending that the family seek medical assessment. Generally, the family will go into denial about the situation until the

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evidence is overwhelming. Then the stages of grief begin. The grief of parents with children who have a disability is described as ‘chronic’. There may be many times when there is a glimmer of hope of some improvement, and then a new assessment or a birthday will remind the family of what the child is not achieving or not able to do, sending the family back through the early stages of grief and loss. Whether the family has their baby diagnosed at birth or as a pre-school child, the stages of loss and grief still occur and the stress the family suffers is real and chronic. Parents of a child with a disability feel guilty that they might be responsible for the child’s condition. The most asked question is “Was it preventable?” Often, one parent will blame heror himself or the other parent for the child’s diagnosis. This attitude is damaging to the relationship and does not help the child. In addition, the feelings of guilt can affect the behaviour of the child with the disability. The family may try to compensate for the disability by allowing the child to do as he or she pleases. They may not put in place the normal rules for positive behaviour, and the child’s behaviour can become out of control, adding further distress to the family and resentment from siblings. Siblings can really suffer in a family in which there is a child with a disability. Siblings may miss out on their own activities if there is a clash with an appointment for the child with a disability. The child with a disability may become ill or be hospitalised, preventing the parent from attending the other child’s activities or appointments. Some siblings can see the stress they put on the parents and the tension between the parents, and they can hate the child with a disability for this. Should the parents separate and/or divorce, the siblings may blame the child with a disability for the separation/divorce. Depending on the type of disability, siblings may be embarrassed by them and not want to bring their friends home. Parents of children with a disability struggle to understand what is occuring with and to their child; often parents feel that the situation has not been explained properly. When a diagnosis is given to parents they often go into shock that closes down their ability to listen. At that point, when the doctor tells them the implications of the diagnosis, the parents cannot ‘take it in’. They are often asked to make decisions affecting their baby/child, even though they have not been able to absorb all the information and the implications. Parents with children with a disability spread themselves very thinly and can be stressed and emotional, especially if siblings and partners are demanding of their time, too. Parenting groups must include segments on the self-care of the parents. During a 6–8-week course, all the time might be taken up with discussion of the issues mentioned above.The group may never get to a stage at which it is ready to talk about general parenting issues. Parents may need to know about respite options for their child with a disability, in order to allow them time for themselves, with their other children and partners. Parents who have a child with a disability can feel isolated from their extended family and the community. Some extended families find the child with a disability difficult and frightening to care for, so they find excuses not to see and help with the child. The community may not be understanding of the needs of the family and not accepting of the child with a disability. Fathers can be the ‘forgotten parent’ when a baby with a disability is born. Often, it is the mother who will have support and is attending the hospital appointments, treatment and therapy sessions. Fathers often feel left out and that work colleagues, although sympathetic, do not know how to support them. Fathers can use the workplace to hide from the situation; they may need to spend more time in the workplace to bring home the extra money needed to care for the child with a disability. It may be easier to stay at work than to go home. What if the workplace is not ‘family friendly’ and does not allow the father to be as available for his child as he would like to be? What if the workplace/culture excludes him because of his child?

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Possible group aims To provide a safe and nurturing environment for parents to explore their issues To share experiences in an empathetic atmosphere To feel valued and validated To be supported To develop and build on a supportive network for parents To build parents’ self-esteem and confidence To have fun The group might get to the stage at which it wants to look at more general parenting topics such as communication and child development. When this happens, refer to the core modules for session outlines and content on these topics.

Facilitation It is crucial that at least one facilitator has a background in disability services, and ideally the other should have experience in group work and/or other parent work. Allow each parent’s story to be heard. This is a group in which the families will have a lot of up-to-date information about the medical system, as they have regular experiences with it. Parents in the group should be able to help and support each other quite substantially. Sometimes, this group of parents is so keen to share their stories and be in company that is understanding and sympathetic, that they have difficulties with the group rules of listening and waiting their turn. Clear guidelines and group rules are critical. Experienced facilitation is needed for this parent group, as parents often come to the group in crisis and very ‘needy’. It is easy for one parent’s needs to overwhelm the group in time and content. As facilitator, you are responsible for the group as a whole and must keep the group contained by allowing everyone equal time and using the ‘pressing issues’ process to address all of the emotional and stressful issues that affect individual parents. There will be a lot of emotional pain and sadness, so you should expect tears to be shed. There should also be a lot of strength and resilience demonstrated by parents that need to be celebrated in the group. Facilitators need to have knowledge of the following; Stages of loss and grief , and the differences for parents whose children have an additional need (for example, chronic, lifelong grief) Resources available to parents about their child’s condition, respite care, specialists and support groups for the parents and siblings Understanding the medical/hospital system from diagnosis onwards, especially in the pre-school area Child development and the child with a disability (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group The most important aspect of matching parents is their level of acceptance of their child’s disability. Parents of newly diagnosed children will benefit from being together in a group, as their stage of loss and grief will be similar. It is not a positive experience to invite newly diagnosed parents into a group with parents who are further along with their acceptance of the situation. Although the first group of parents may benefit from the experience of the second group of parents, the parents further along may not appreciate having to revisit the misery and grief of the first few months after diagnosis.

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If newly diagnosed parents are in a group together, then the focus of the group should be on providing support rather than parenting skills and strategies. Parents need to have moved on through the stages of loss and grief and be able to concentrate on parenting issues. Other points of commonality for matching parents is when parents join a parenting group to assist them in parenting an older child when the new baby has a disability, or when the child with a disability reaches a transition stage such as starting to use early childhood services. The ages of children will be an important factor, but the nature of the disability itself is not as important. For example, parents of children with cerebral palsy do not necessarily have to be in a parent group with other parents whose children have cerebral palsy. Parents in the group most often bond very quickly because in the group they do not have to explain themselves and their feelings. All parents will have experienced the seemingly complex and often hostile environment of hospitals, the assessment processes, therapy and treatment. It is important to consider who will be coming to the group: will it be only the mother, or both parents? What will happen if only one or two fathers come to the group? Will this affect the dynamics of the group? Will the fathers feel left out? Will the mothers want to talk about the fathers? Will the fathers get enough support in this setting?

Childcare/children’s group In order to enable parents to attend the parent group, childcare needs to be provided.This may be the first time that the parents have been separated from their child with a disability. Childcare needs to be held very close to where the parent group is being held, and with qualified and perhaps specialist childcare workers.

Referrals Specialist workers in early childhood services and education sectors would be an excellent starting point for referrals. These specialist workers may be interested in co-facilitating the group. They will have the knowledge needed and may refer families with whom they are working and already have a trusting rapport. Professionals associated with specialist early intervention children’s services and specialist schools could also be approached. Peak associations that advocate on behalf of children with a disability could be contacted and an advertisement placed in their newsletters.

Specific issues The parents themselves will be the greatest asset to the group. They will be able to share ideas and resources concerning: Service information Information on syndromes and conditions, and where to get more information Information on appropriate doctors and specialists Empathy and support Understanding and managing the hospital and medical system Depending on the needs of parents, the group may have to begin as a support group before it becomes a parent group. If parents in the group need to talk about their own individual feelings and shattered dreams, then it is imperative that this is where the group starts. It may be that the group stays focused on parents as individuals and their needs, and does not move on to discussions on parenting issues. Parents have much to work through, and often will find it difficult to finish the group. It is important to work through with parents some ideas and strategies to allow them to keep >>

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meeting after the formal group finished. This could be as simple as developing a contact list or organising a venue so that they can continue to meet as an ongoing support group. Practicalities concerning the group that facilitators need to think through include: Finding specialist childcarers Encouraging parents to separate from their children Expecting irregular attendance of parents due to hospital appointments and other commitments relating to the child with additional needs Providing refreshments to nurture and feed the group.

Possible content Loss and grief, the impact of diagnosis on the parent and the extended family Support for the parents to cope with isolation and rejection from family, and sometimes community Information on respite services Explaining to the child/family/services about the diagnosis Integration issues with the child with additional needs into mainstream services Dealing assertively with professionals involved with the child Dealing with lifelong stress Juggling of time Parenting strategies concerning the other children in the family, trying to keep some consistency with the parenting Practical parenting issues with the child with additional needs in relation to the child’s rights (advocacy component of parenting) Involving the fathers in support and information (a father’s night, or a separate parent group, for example, may meet this need) Building confidence and self-esteem in parents and siblings

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19). This session will probably take a long time to start, as children will need to be settled. Time may be needed to talk about grief and sorrow. Parents may want to know about other parents’ children’s disability and diagnosis. Parents in this type of group are usually so relieved to be able to talk to other parents who understand what they are going through that they are hard to stop once they start. This session is often a debriefing session about a range of issues including: the diagnosis feelings impact on family relationship with spouse experiences with and feelings about the medical system perceived insensitivity from medical professionals towards their child.

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Warm-up Ask the group to share their names and the names and ages of their children. This can be put on butcher’s paper to be referred to, if needed, in future sessions.

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may include some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength he or she has as a parent, and one card that represents a strength she or he has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Bruce, E.J. & Schultz, C.L. (2001) Non-finite Loss and Grief: A psycho-educational approach, Eastgardens, NSW: MacLennan and Petty. Schultz, N.C. & Schultz, C.L. (1997) Care for Caring Parents: A program for parents of children with special needs, Melbourne: ACER Press. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au.

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for children Caring in out-of-home care Preparation This group of carers essentially consists of ‘volunteers’ who care for children and young people in the short, medium and long terms.They may be foster carers—people in the community who offer their own homes to care for children and young people on a temporary basis, with training and support offered by an auspice agency. Alternatively, the carers may be from the residentialcare sector—paid workers who staff residential facilities for a small number of children. These carers have day-to-day responsibility for children who may be or have been physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused. As a consequence, the children and young people in their care can often exhibit ‘acting out’ behaviours as a result of their traumatic backgrounds. Carers often experience a sense of frustration at being the last to know of plans being made for children in their care and/or not being actively involved or consulted in major decisions about the children. In addition, carers are often not informed in any comprehensive way about the children’s family history, the nature of the protective concerns that led to them being removed from home and/or the children’s educational, medical or social backgrounds. Some states and territories have introduced the Looking After Children (LAC) program in order to address these critical communication concerns.

Possible group aims For carers to have a better understanding of the experiences the children they are caring for have been through For carers to gain some skills and strategies for managing the challenging and difficult behaviours with which children in their care often present For carers to have a better understanding of the wider service system and the role that they play in it

Facilitation Ideally, one of the two facilitators will be from an agency that recruits and supports carers—in foster care, residential care, adolescent community support or any other form of out-of-home care for children and young people. The other facilitator might have experience and knowledge about group process, dynamics and adult learning principles. The time of day or night at which the group is held needs to be carefully considered, as carers by definition are caring for children all the time. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group Consider the type of carer being targeted for the group. Matching should take place according to the type of care the various carers are providing; for instance, foster carers can be recruited to the group from a number of local or regional foster-care agencies. Kinship carers have a biological family connection with the children they are caring for, which adds a different dynamic to the group.

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Residential care staff have different needs and experiences and, as a general rule, will be dealing with young people aged 12 and over. Residential care staff usually are rostered on varying times, days and shifts, so consideration needs to be given to the time and day that the group is offered.

Childcare/children’s group This depends on the day and time at which the group is being held. If the group is being held during the day, then care for pre-school children may be needed. If held at night, then care for older children may also need to be organised. It is probable that childcare would need to be provided if a large number of the carers bring their own children as well as those children they are caring for. Consider employing extra childcare workers to cater for this demand. When organising carers for the childcare, carers already known to the children might be a possibility. If all the children of the participants are attending school or early childhood services, then childcare will not be an issue.

Referrals Gaining access to carers is relatively easy through the employing agencies. However, it is necessary to be sensitive in the process used to recruit the carers to the group, so that they do not feel that they are being targeted as inadequate carers.

Specific issues The focus of the group should be on the isolation that carers tend to feel, as well as the difficulty in negotiating and understanding the service system of which both carers and children and young people form a part. Some time may need to be allocated to discussion of the frustration carers experience with the ‘system’. This includes the statutory child welfare system as well as workers from community service organisations which are responsible for supervising and supporting carers. Individual carers may want to tell their own stories and need to feel that they are being listened to. Carers in this group may not all be parents themselves, so you may need to include discussion regarding ages and stages of child development and realistic expectations of children (particularly children in their care who have almost certainly all experienced some degree of abuse and/or neglect).

Possible content Managing and understanding anger and aggression in children and young people Managing and understanding loss and grief in children and young people The importance of family and connectedness for children and young people (drawing genograms and maintaining access to extended family—who and how) Building confidence and self-esteem in children and young people Working out the system: how the statutory child welfare system operates, how to have meaningful input into decisions regarding children in your care Looking after yourself and your family while caring for other people’s children

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that the carers feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage carers in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see page 16).

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Warm-up (choose one) 1

Ask participants to introduce themselves by sharing their name, agency and how long (in years) they have been foster carers/residential care workers etc. Ask the group to form a line or queue, starting with the carer with the least amount of service and finishing with the carer with the most service. Then add up the total amount of years of service that people have in the room and reinforce to group members that they come with many years of experience, knowledge and skills to share.

2

Ask everyone to sit in a circle. Call out the characteristics of groups of people, for example people who can speak a second language, people whose favourite colour is purple etc. The people who belong to these groups get up and stand in the centre of the circle. When another category is called, people either stay where they are and others join them, or they return to their original seats if they do not belong to the new category.

Suggested group rules One facilitator leads a discussion around rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may include some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator can write them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, but it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Lead a group discussion, asking the questions, “What are some of the challenges that are facing you in your role as carer of children and young people in out-of-home care? What is most rewarding about being a carer, and what is most frustrating?” From this discussion, list possible content topics by category (see also the list above of possible group topics). One facilitator should list these on butcher’s paper and then spend some time getting agreement from the group as to the order of topics for future group sessions.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask participants to choose two traits that best describe her or him as a carer and as an individual in his or her own right. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank carers for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

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Following sessions Refer to the core modules in Section 3 for ideas with the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind down.

Relevant resources Fahlberg, V. (1994) A Child’s Journey Through Placement, London: British Agencies for Adoption & Fostering. Gilligan, R. (2001) Promoting Resilience: A resource guide on working with children in the care system, London: British Agencies for Adoption & Fostering. Ryan,T. & Walker, R. (1993) Life Story Work: A practical guide to helping children understand their past, London: British Agencies for Adoption & Fostering. Note: all the above books are available from St. Luke’s Innovative Resources, see website www.stlukes.org.au. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au.

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Sole parents Preparation Sole parents may be sensitive to their status in the community. Many sole parents feel discriminated against on a daily basis—guilt is an emotion that they regularly experience. Ensure that the group is promoted with parenting as the main focus.

Possible group aims To enhance and strengthen the parenting skills and strategies available to sole parents For sole parents to become more confident of their parenting skills and abilities For sole parents to feel less socially isolated and have increased options for accessing a network of support To normalise the parenting experience for sole parents in order to increase confidence and reduce the feeling of being the only one in their situation To have fun

Facilitation Ideally, there should be two facilitators for such a group. While it is not necessary for the facilitators to be sole parents, at least one should be a parent, so that the group members can feel some empathy. Facilitators should not be judgemental about sole parenting, and should be prepared to listen to parents. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group The matching of participants is very important for sole parents. It is the stage of sole parenthood that is of prime importance in matching, rather than the age and stage of the children’s development. Key issues to consider when matching sole-parent participants are: How ‘new’ is the separation/divorce (or has the participant been a sole parent from pregnancy)? Newly separated parents will have issues such as: – Obtaining child support from the other parent – Arranging and managing contact with the other parent – Seeking and obtaining legal advice and going through the legal process – Dealing with children’s emotions – Dealing with their own guilt of becoming a sole parent (whether by choice or not) Sole parents who have been on their own from the birth of their child will have different issues again—contact and residency will not necessarily be a concern. Extended family support may not be as available, and finances may be very pressing for these sole parents.

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Childcare/children’s group Childcare needs to be provided as required by parents. Childcare should be in proximity to the group, although parents should be encouraged to leave their children for the group time. For some sole parents, the group may be the first time they have left their child in someone else’s care, so take this into consideration.

Referrals The group needs to be promoted as primarily a parenting group, with the criterion of being a sole parent being secondary to the purpose of the group. Many sole parents feel guilty about their sole-parent status, and may think that a sole-parents’ group will further alienate them from the community. Advertise the group through posters and flyers at neighbourhood houses or community centres. It is useful when setting up the group to arrange a one-to-one interview with each potential participant, in order to establish whether a parent group is appropriate for the person, or if, in fact, consideration should be given to offering a self-help/support group instead. In many cases, newly separated parents are not ready for a parenting group, as their primary focus is in on dealing with their own emotions and to adjusting to a new life and routine. Referrals could be sought from local family counsellors, community health centre workers and Centrelink social workers.

Specific issues Sole parents often are physically and emotionally exhausted.The group should spend some of the time in earlier sessions on building self-esteem and confidence in parents. Sole parents come from a range of backgrounds and situations, so it is important for the parents and the facilitators to be accepting and non-judgemental. Sole parent mothers with boys may feel guilty that their child does not have a male adult in his life, and they may need reassurance that they can be effective and caring parents.

Possible content Dealing with the ‘ex’—contact and residency Dealing with children’s emotions Looking after yourself—where to get help Managing on a tight budget Discipline for sole parents Strengthening and expanding your social networks New friends, new partners—what to tell the children and when

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Ask each parent to tell the others the name of her or his child/children. “How did you decide on that name, and why?”

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Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a sole parent, and what has been the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together on the order of content topics.

Wind down Ask the group to brainstorm the positive aspects of being a sole parent. Comments may include: You are your own boss You don’t have to worry about housework if you don’t want to You manage your own time There aren’t any arguments about parenting! There aren’t any arguments about finances

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Department of Family and Community Services (2000) Back on Track, Canberra: Commonwealth of Australia. Howard, J. (1998) Bringing Up Boys:A parenting manual for sole mothers raising sons, Melbourne: ACER Press. Howard, J. (2001) Mothers and Sons: Bringing up boys as a sole parent, Melbourne: Lothian. Fro m

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after violence Parenting in the home Preparation A parent group for those parenting after violence in the home is most effective if parents participate after they have been part of a support group. There are many issues for parents (usually women) to face when they leave a violent situation; these are best addressed through both counselling and a support group. Parents as well as children may need long-term support before the parent is ready to benefit from participation in a parenting group. Women parenting after violence in the home often face a range of issues, such as housing and children’s contact with the other parent, as well as their own personal emotional issues. It is important for parents to be able to have these basic issues and needs met before they participate in a parenting group. A parenting group is primarily focused on parenting issues. Leaving a violent situation can be extremely difficult, and may consume all the parent’s available energy, wit and will. Both the parent and children may need to be looked after until the parent is able to begin functioning again. If a support group is not available, then the parenting group will need to allow for the first few sessions of the group to be focused on parents’ individual needs. Children can become very angry through this process; they may be angry with the primary caregiving parent for taking them away from their other parent. Children, too, will be reacting to the changes in their lives. They may have been removed from their friends, school and other supports. Children act out their feelings through their behaviour, so they will no doubt be showing a range of behaviours, from severe aggression to complete withdrawal. The parent may find her or his situation of parenting alone overwhelming, especially if previously she or he felt powerless regarding issues of parenting and now their children’s behaviour has deteriorated. The parent may have internalised subconscious messages about being a ‘bad’ or ‘incapable’ parent, which are reinforced by the children’s worsening behaviour. A parent group will be focusing on parenting issues, and this may take a lot of the parent’s energy, especially if the violent partner was doing most of the disciplining of the children. This may result in some rebellion and regression in the children’s behaviour when the primary caregiving parent tries to set some limits, routines and consistency in the family. Contact with the other parent may be occurring that could be unsettling for the children, and if there are different rules and messages from the two parents, it adds disruption to an already difficult job. There are many myths about violence in the home, including the one that children, especially young children, are not affected by violence that they have witnessed but not received. It is now known that violence in the home affects everyone—including children who are witness to the violence.

Possible group aims To build on parents’ expertise and competence in parenting To identify children’s behaviours, and determined whether they are developmentally appropriated behaviours or affected by the violence To be respectful of others’ experiences To build up parents’ confidence and self-esteem To identify support services and networks for parents to utilise once the group has finished To have fun nce ole r vi e t f a

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Facilitation It is most important for a group of this kind to have two facilitators: one with an understanding of domestic/family violence and the other with knowledge of group work, issues for parents and children who have experienced domestic violence and the principles of adult learning. At least one facilitator needs to have an understanding of the impact of violence on families, the powerlessness that the parent on the receiving end feels and how this impacts on her or his ability to parent. One facilitator needs to have an understanding of child development and the impact of abuse on child development. Both facilitators should be prepared to be flexible, and be able to complement and support each other.You should also agree on your philosophy on working with parents and your views on family violence. It is important that you take an objective and non-judgemental view on parents and the violent situations they have left. You need to set up a safe and supportive environment for the parents in which they will each be respected for who they are and what they share within the group. You also need to provide a structured routine for each session and keep the issues discussed focused on parenting. Parents attending this group usually have several reasons for attending the group: 1

Concern that their children will imitate the abusive behaviour that they have witnessed or received

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Wanting support from others who have had similar experiences and who recognise and acknowledge the impact of violence

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Clarification of the causes for the negative behaviour they are observing in their children (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group For a group to be able to work on parenting issues, it is essential that participants are out of the family violence situation and are able to concentrate on their parenting issues. Parents should have their immediate needs met outside the group so that they are ready to concentrate on their parenting.

Childcare/children’s group Several models of group work have been developed for working with parents who have left a domestic violence situation. Consider whether it is beneficial for children attending childcare to participate in a therapeutic group experience. Childcare staff with this group of children need to: be good listeners understand the reasons/feelings behind the behaviours of the children provide appropriate outlets for the children to release their anger and hurt be able to provide one-on-one time for each child, as necessary respect children and their feelings. Aims and objectives for the childcare group could include: To provide a safe place for children to explore their feelings To provide appropriate outlets, through play, for children to express their feelings Build up children’s self-esteem and confidence To model appropriate social interactions.

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Referrals Referrals could come from community service organisations whose role is to provide practical and therapeutic support to parents leaving violent family situations. Maternal and Child Health Nurses and community health centres may also be sources of referrals for this group of parents. Preferably, parents will have been involved in a support group before attending the parent group.

Specific issues Group content needs to be able to cover the impact of violence on the parents as well as their parenting skills. The focus, however, needs to be on parenting issues rather than the violence. The ‘pressing issues’ section is very important with this group of parents, as it allows other issues that may be hindering their parenting to be raised and discussed in a safe and supportive environment.

Possible content Setting limits with children Understanding child development and appropriate behaviours The impact of violence on parenting Communication, including listening skills Self-care for parents Exploring self-esteem, confidence and parenting competence Accessing support services after the group

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Ask parents to share their name and the names and ages of their children. These can be listed on butcher’s paper and displayed in each session.

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may include some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week. nce ole r vi e t f a

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Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “If you met your child down the street as a young adult, what would you like him or her to be like? How would he or she behave? What hopes and dreams do parents have for their children?” From the comments coming out of this discussion you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength she or he has as a parent and one card that represents a strength he or she has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Berry Street Child and Family Services (1997) ‘Shaping a New Future: A groupwork model for responding the needs of women and children survivors of domestic violence’ Evaluation Document, Melbourne: Berry Street Child and Family Services. Howard, J. (1998) Bringing Up Boys: A parenting manual for sole mothers raising sons, Melbourne: ACER Press. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au.

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Parents inor prison on remand Preparation Prison systems and procedures can vary greatly within and between states and territories. Parents in prison grieve the loss of their family and the time they have to spend away from their children. They can feel powerless at what is happening with their children and the decisions that are being made by their partner or statutory authorities, often without their consent and sometimes without their knowledge. Parents are aware of increasingly growing apart from the day-to-day routines and experiences of their children as their time in prison increases. Parents in prison should be given the opportunity to plan for their release so that their children can remain as involved and connected to them as their custodial sentence allows.

Possible group aims To assist parents in developing insights into their children’s needs and behaviours according to their particular stage of development To provide parents with skills and strategies so that they can more effectively parent ‘from afar’ To assist parents in planning for their release in relation to their role as an active parent To increase the confidence and self-esteem of parents To provide parents with information relating to resources and support services that they may access on their release to assist them in their parenting role To understand that children always have their own mother and father ‘in mind’ (absence is physical but not psychological)

Facilitation Two facilitators are required for this group, with at least one having some knowledge of adult group work. It is an advantage if one facilitator has some knowledge of the issues that affect prisoners in relation to their parenting. Co-facilitating with one facilitator within the prison will only work if that person has built up a relationship based on trust and respect with the parents. The facilitator from within the prison should not have any statutory power over the parents. If the facilitator is a prison officer involved in writing parole reports or making classification decisions, she or he will not be neutral or objective. If parents consider this person to be part of the prison system, the group is likely not to succeed as parents are unlikely to attend the group, trust the facilitator or participate in the group in a meaningful way. Both facilitators need to have a non-judgemental attitude towards the parents and their situation. Facilitators will need to have: empathy with the parents’ situation and circumstances an understanding of the limitations of a parent group in prison a non-judgemental attitude towards parents’ reason for being in prison The purpose of the parent group is to assist with parenting issues and, in that sense, the group is still a group of parents who care for and want the best for their children. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.) ts aren 5 P n o i t Sec

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Matching the group There may not be much negotiation about matching the group if the facilitator is directly employed in the prison system. In this case, parents may be referred to the group on the basis of criteria that are out of the facilitator’s control and might simply be ‘all prisoners’ (regardless of whether they are parents or not). The prison may advertise the group as voluntary, but the parents who attend will not necessarily do so because they are interested in enhancing their parenting. They may see the group as an easy option, as a way of obtaining some other benefit such as increased chances of getting parole. Alternatively, it may be that the other choices of groups or activities scheduled for the same time are not to their liking. In male prisons, parents do not have their children with them, but may see them during visiting hours. Some prisoners may not have any contact with their children at all. In female prisons, some parents may have their child/ren with them, some may see their children during visits and some may not have any contact with their children. If you do have any input into the matching of parents, then those who are at the end of their sentences, and are going home to their families, are likely to gain more from attending the group. These parents usually have more contact with their children as part of their preparation for prison release. Skills and strategies discussed in the group can be tried out immediately in contact situations or if parents are given pre-release leave.

Childcare/children’s group Generally, no childcare will be required. If the group is held in a female prison in which some parents have their children in their care, then childcare will have to be negotiated. In this instance, it is probably better not to have children in the group, as not all women will have their children with them in prison.

Referrals Refer to matching the group (above). If the prison purchases services from outside agencies— such as community health, medical, counselling or welfare services—it would be useful to talk to the relevant professionals involved in delivering these services. They may have positive relationships with many prisoners and be able to assist with recruitment of parents to the group.

Specific issues Parents will know each other, so there may be some underlying tensions. Parents in this group often have a lot of emotional issues about their childhood and lives in general. In prison, there is usually limited access to support services to assist parents in dealing with some of these longstanding issues, so these may need to be dealt with in the group. Parents’ individual emotional and other issues need to be addressed before they can focus in the group primarily on their parenting role, skills and abilities. Men, in particular, often believe that when they get home their household will return to the way it was before their prison term.This is a myth, as their households have had to exist without them and will have created their own style and rhythm. The family may resent the parent returning and disrupting this rhythm. Parents may believe that the family will be delighted to have them return when, in fact, there will be a lot of anger and resentment when the parent returns. Children may be angry and resentful because the parent has not been there for birthdays and school events.They may have been teased and ostracised because their parent has been in prison, and hated and resented visiting them. The parent left to care for the children could be angry at being left and may have >>

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been ostracised by the community. Housing and financial difficulties may be issues that the other parent has had to deal with. Parents may not attend the group regularly due to other commitments—parole hearings and court appearances, for instance. Facilitators need to be prepared to be flexible from week to week in the presentation of group content and the group process, depending on what has happened for parents during the previous week. The structure of the weekly sessions probably just needs to be simply: Introductions—if there are parents just joining the group that week A check-in on how the week has been for everyone Homework—what was tried through the week during contact visits with children Content topic for the session Parents will know each other, the venue and the system. The facilitators will be the outsiders. Numbers may vary depending on other obligations within the prison, conflict between group members during the week, and punishments that prohibit the parent from attending. A limit on the amount of written material that facilitators will be allowed to bring into the prison may restrict what is distributed to parents. The prison will dictate the timeframe allowed for the group. The environment in which to hold the group will be restricted by the prison, but somewhere in the prisoners’ recreational area where there are comfortable chairs and supervision from prison officers is from a distance, is a good compromise. A restricted area in which prison officers are in close proximity is far more difficult, as the parents will not have favourable memories of this space and won’t participate in a meaningful way in front of prison staff. An informal time at the end of the group, during which the facilitators are available to be approached by parents, is necessary to allow the parents to bring up issues they do not want to discuss in the group. The group may be large, but the informal time at the end of the sessions can allow informal chat within the group and individual access to the facilitators.

Possible content Involving and engaging with children during prison access visits Building relationships with children Speaking positively to children Becoming part of their children’s lives again Managing anger Practical issues relating to returning to the community Dealing with feelings relating to returning to the family

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Work through the commonalties in the group; for example, ages of children (include all children of each parent) and the children’s names. (This may be the first time that parents in prison have shared this information.)

Suggested group rules Group rules need to include confidentiality about what is said in the group and the importance of only sharing what parents feel safe to share.

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One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason

Content Research and our experience show that it is reasonable to assume that most of the parents in the group will have had an abusive childhood. Some of the abusive parenting practices that parents in the group experienced themselves will have been used on their own children through lack of knowledge about other styles and methods of parenting. It is useful to examine parenting styles by asking parents what they liked and did not like about the way they were treated by parents or caregivers when they were children. This gives the parents the opportunity to share some of their life experiences if they want to. Encourage participants to reflect and share feelings if they wish to by asking questions such as “How do you feel about that treatment now? What would have been a better way?” All sessions need to end on an uplifting and positive note for the parents to concentrate on during the week. The first session can end with “What sort of adult do you want your children to be?” This can have a negative angle as sometimes parents will say something like “not like me” so you may need to reframe and keep this positive.

Wind down Around the group, ask each parent to say one positive word that describes one of their children. Ending or leaving the group may be difficult for some parents. They may experience feelings of abandonment, or inadequacy about their parenting skills. It is important to offer further hope at this stage. If possible, provide a pathway to other services outside the prison, by way of referral. Let the parents know they can obtain support in their parenting (and that it is normal and acceptable to do this) and that parents don’t have to do it all alone.

Close Thank parents for coming.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Jesuit Social Services (2003) The Men and Family Relationships Project—Final report, A national project funded by the Commonwealth Department of Family and Community Services through the Men and Family Relationships Initiative, available at www.jss.org.au, or tel. (03) 9427 9899. McNally, J. & Van den Bossche, E. (2003) Me & My Family—Program manual, Jesuit Social Services, available at www.jss.org.au, or tel. (03) 9427 9899. Fro m

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involved with statutory Parents child welfare services Preparation All states and territories in Australia have statutory responsibility for the care and protection of children and young people residing in that particular state or territory. As such, there are discrepancies between states and territories about mandate, roles and responsibilities for statutory child welfare. Legislation is specific to the state and territory, although there are protocols and Memorandums of Understanding (MOUs) that exist to facilitate communication between jurisdictions about children under statutory care and protection. The government departments that are responsible around Australia for the care and protection of children and young people are currently as follows: Australian Capital Territory—Department of Education and Community Services New South Wales—Department of Community Services (DOCS) Northern Territory—Family,Youth and Children’s Services Queensland—Department of Families,Youth and Community Care South Australia—Department of Human Services Tasmania—Department of Health and Human Services Victoria—Department of Human Services (DHS) Western Australia—Family and Children’s Services Parents attending this group will not necessarily be doing so in a voluntary capacity, so the expectations of their participation (and attendance) will be different to those of parents who make an active choice to attend. The topics that parents in this group choose for discussion are most likely to be the common parenting issues relevant to all parents. This group of parents usually bonds together very quickly because of their common (often negative) experience with the statutory child welfare system. Initially, parents may be wary of the facilitators as professionals, and it may take some time and work for you to gain the trust of parents.

Possible group aims To enhance and strengthen the parenting skills and strategies available to parents involved with statutory child welfare To assist parents in recognising that their behaviour directly impacts on that of their child To reduce the sense of social isolation felt by parents involved in statutory child welfare and to increase their options for accessing a network of support To provide a positive group experience for parents To have fun

Facilitation Two facilitators are essential for this group. It is useful if one facilitator has some knowledge of the statutory child welfare system in that state or territory. It is necessary to have a good understanding of the various types of statutory orders that children are subject to, and to be clear about the expectations from the statutory child welfare service about the extent and nature of the changes that parents are being asked to make. y to r tatu hs t i w lved ices invo e serv s t r n are elfa 167 5 P hild w c tion c e S

Permission could be sought from parents for the facilitators to speak to the statutory case manager to clarify roles and expectations around parents participating in the group. It is best if the facilitators are not employees of the statutory child welfare service, in order for them to gain trust and respect from the group. Parents will invariably see the statutory service as the ‘enemy’. Records may need to be kept of the attendance and participation rates of the parents in the group. It is best to negotiate expectations regarding the nature and type of information that may be communicated to the statutory child welfare case manager prior to the commencement of the group. Privacy of parents is an important consideration. You will need to have strong engagement skills to enable parents to feel comfortable about attending the group and in assisting them to realise that the group may in fact be able to meet some of their needs. Parents need to feel safe and secure in the group even though they do not necessarily want to be there. The first session should spend a lot of time developing and reinforcing group rules. Confidentiality is essential.This, however, needs to be explained in the context of the obligation facilitators have as professionals to report any concerns they may have for children’s safety to the appropriate statutory service. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group The common denominator for these parents is their experience with statutory child welfare services. How to ‘get the welfare off my back’ or ‘get the welfare out of my/our lives’ will be a common need for parents in the group. As such, the age of children is not essential in matching participants. In fact, those parents with older children may enjoy contributing their experience and knowledge to the parents whose issues are with younger children. The group should be held in a safe, non-stigmatising community venue and separately to the statutory welfare office.

Childcare/children’s group Childcare should be available to parents attending this group at a minimal fee, or preferably at no cost. Often, parents will be reluctant to leave their children in childcare as they feel that they are being judged negatively by wanting to ‘dump’ their children. Some parents may be wary of the childcare workers, wondering whether can they be trusted and what experience they have in caring for young children. Prior to the group commencing, inform parents that the group is for the parents primarily and that the children will be well looked after. Childcarers will need to be experienced in working with children who may have behaviour management problems. Childcarers will need to keep accurate records about each of the children, including children’s wellbeing, hygiene, behaviour, interactions with others and social skills in order to pass on this information to the statutory welfare worker and the parent, if required.

Referrals Referrals will primarily come through the statutory child welfare system, or through the court system. Arrange to attend a statutory child welfare staff meeting well in advance of the group beginning, in order to promote the group to workers and to mutually determine the referral process. Careful screening of parents needs to occur to ensure that group participants are ready to attend a parenting group. A home visit can ensure that parents are appropriate to the group and assist in developing a positive relationship between parents and the facilitator. Similarly, you should arrange an information session with relevant Children’s Court personnel to advise them of the group, its aims and objectives and to agree on the best process for referrals of parents. Fro m

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Specific issues The group will need to be kept focused on parenting issues. Any other issues that individual parents have can be dealt with in the ‘pressing issues’ component of the session. Parents will often present to the group in ‘crisis’ as this is the only way they know to live their lives. Facilitators need to acknowledge any crisis, but then focus on the content that has been planned for that particular week. Parents need to be given skills, strategies, support and encouragement in numerous and different ways, such as written material (including diagrams and pictures where possible), video clips and facilitator role plays, for example. Often, parents will have difficulty in being able to place themselves in the parenting role, and the group should have an emphasis on consideration of issues from a child’s perspective. Be prepared that you may not cover all the material planned in the first session. Sometimes parents will need two, or even more, weeks on the same topic, so you need to be flexible.

Possible content Discipline—alternatives to smacking Looking after yourself as a parent Strengthening and expanding social and support networks Understanding and dealing with the child protection system Ages and stages of child development Community resources and support for parents

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Ask each parent to share with the group the name of his or her child/children. “How did you decide on that name, and why?”

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

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Group brainstorm Ask the group: “Why do you think statutory child welfare is necessary for our community?” (The answer could be that some people do hurt and/or kill children and that children need to be protected against this.) “What do you think you have to do to get statutory child welfare ‘out of your life’/‘off your back?’” From the comments arising out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together the order of content topics.

Wind down Around the group, ask parents to tell the group about one positive activity that they are going to do (by themselves, with friends or family or with their child) before the following week.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources O’Brien, W. (1993) ‘Making Parent Education Relevant to Vulnerable Families’, Families, October. Kagen, R. & Schlosberg, S. (1989) Families in Perpetual Crisis, Markham, Ontario: Penguin Books Canada. Turnell, A. & Edwards, S. (1999) Signs of Safety: A solution and safety oriented approach to child protection, New York: W.W. Norton & Co.

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with an Parents intellectual disability Preparation Intellectual disability (ID) is not a disease or an illness. Parents who have an ID have impaired capacity to learn. The definition of ID can encompass shortcomings in everyday life skills (deficits in adaptive behaviour), such as self-care and communication. When planning a parent group for parents with an ID, the group itself and its content have to be structured to suit the needs of participants. A parenting group is one component in the range of supports that parents with an ID need. Parents with an ID could possibly be registered with the state or territory government through which they may be receiving in-home as well as support services. Parents may be receiving support from a family support agency and/or be involved with a statutory child welfare agency if there are concerns about the risk of child abuse and neglect of children. The following principles underpin any intervention work with parents with an ID: Persons with an ID have the same rights as other members of the community to services that support a reasonable quality of life. Every person with an ID has a capacity for physical, social and emotional and intellectual development; has a right to individualised educational and developmental opportunities; and is entitled to exercise maximum control over every aspect of their lives. The needs of persons with an ID are best met when the conditions of their everyday lives are the same as, or as close as possible to, norms and patterns which are valued in the general community. Services to persons with an ID should be sufficiently flexible in structure and organisation to meet their varying needs in developing towards independence and to maximise their choices. There is an extensive range of issues confronting parents with an ID. These include: Negative community attitudes, particularly judgemental attitudes that parents with an ID do not have the necessary skills, or should not be ‘allowed’, to parent The need for extra practical and emotional support with parenting skills Parents with an ID are often not listened to by professionals and others Only short-term support services are available when, in fact, long-term supports are needed There is often an overwhelming number of uncoordinated services involved with families. It is important to remember that parenting skills are mostly learned through the family of origin. Many parents with an ID have been institutionalised as children and therefore have missed out on the very basic concepts of being parented in a nurturing, loving environment. When they become parents themselves they have a range of disadvantages that might include not having positive childhood experiences, low socioeconomic status, enduring financial and housing instabilities, and a lack of trust and fear of authority figures. For this group, a structured children’s group can be extremely effective in assisting children to gain cognitive and physical skills, feel nurtured and build self-esteem.

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Possible group aims For the Parent Group: To provide a safe, nurturing and confidential environment in which parents can explore their parenting issues To further develop parenting skills To build positive self-esteem and confidence in parents and children To build positive interactions between parents and their children To provide participants with resources and support networks For the Children’s Group: To build confidence and positive self-esteem in children To provide a safe environment in which children can learn social and language skills To provide activities that encourage children to develop their cognitive and physical skills To provide parents and children with a range of activities that are simple, inexpensive and transferable to the home

Facilitation It is important to set up a safe and secure environment in which parents can feel respected and supported. The facilitator’s role is critical to ensure that this occurs. Facilitators need to: Maintain a non-judgemental approach to parents Ensure each parent’s rights to privacy and confidentiality within the group Provide a structured routine for each group session Offer the opportunity for each group member to speak, be heard and be validated There should be two professionals facilitating a group for parents with an ID. One may have knowledge of ID and the other knowledge of group work with parents. As these parents need many weeks (if not months) before they build up trust, consider the length of the group and the commitment of time and energy that will be required. The learning of parents with an ID needs to be very repetitive and ongoing for even small changes to be sustained.The ‘Out of the Mainstream’ (see relevant resources) model utilised seven facilitators from a number of agencies on a rotating basis. This allowed the group to continue over a long period of time (several years, in fact) but did not ‘burn out’ the facilitators. Parents with an ID take a lot of time and energy, so you need to make time to have supervision and a debriefing time. As some of the session will be with the children, the children’s group workers are an integral part of the facilitation team. They provide appropriate role modelling for the parents in interacting with and handling the children, and model in an empowering way appropriate behaviour management techniques. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group Intellectual disability is defined in various degrees: mild, moderate, severe and profound. It is important to think about the level of ID that can be managed in the group. Parents need to be able to adequately look after themselves as well as have the potential to be able to look after their children. People with an ID may not be registered with the appropriate disability service in their state or territory; however, not all parents with an ID are registered.

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You may have to think about the children of the parents who attend the group: will the parents all need to have their children in their care? Will all the parents not have their children in their care? What are the criteria that will be applied to group members? Experience has shown that whether the parents in the group have children in their care or not will make a significant difference to the group dynamics. Parents with children in their direct care are sympathetic and supportive of those whose children are in alternative care situations.

Childcare/children’s group For children of parents with an ID, it is important to provide much more than childcare while the group is in progress. Two early childhood workers are essential for the children’s group, for several reasons: Ratios of adult carers to children as per childcare regulations A child may attend with bruising or other signs of abuse/neglect that needs to be reported, and it is important to have another staff member witness what has been observed and record these. The childcare workers need to be trained and experienced in working with pre-school children as well as nurturing and positive in their interactions with children. They need to be able to interact with parents who have an ID in a caring and empowering manner, and to be able to role model appropriate interactions with the children that do not undermine the parents. Importantly, they have to be able to work with children whose behaviour can be disruptive and whose level of hygiene may be low. It is advisable to have available information forms to fill in together with the parents about their children’s individual needs, such as an information form that can be filled in at the end of the session indicating how the child managed in the session.

Referrals Parents whose ID prohibits them from looking after their children will probably not be appropriate for a parent group that is focusing on concrete parenting skills and strategies. Referrals for the parent group could come from a variety of sources such as government and non-government disability services, statutory child welfare services, local family support agencies, Maternal and Child Health Nurses and agencies that provide support to parents with an ID. Referrals could also be received from solicitors and the courts. Parents with an ID will often take a long time to build up a sense of trust in the facilitators. The group needs to be long-term rather than a short 6–8-week parent group, which is often seen to be the norm for mainstream parent groups. It is important that when a referral is received the referring agency remains involved with the family. The parent group then forms part of the range of services offered to the family. The referring agency may be working with the family on issues such as housing, financial and legal matters, while the parent group concentrates primarily on parenting issues. Prior to the group commencing, a home visit is highly recommended, as the parent can be introduced to you in a familiar environment. In addition, a home visit gives you the opportunity to see the physical environment in which the family lives; this information can be useful. For example, do children have their own bedrooms? Information can also be determined about who is living in the family home and what other supports the family currently accesses.

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Specific issues Parents with an ID often do not have appropriate social skills to allow them to easily fit in with mainstream society. A parent group, although not its main task, can provide a safe environment in which social skills can develop. Organising the group over a lunch time is a subtle way to do this, so that parents learn about different food groups and how to eat together. Lunch is a useful opener to discussions about food, nutritional value, cooking for children, the importance of eating together at the table and many other issues. Part of each of the group sessions should involve the children. Parents can learn to understand their children’s developmental stages and to enjoy children’s company while learning a range of skills. Parents and children can enjoy planned activities such as drawing, pasting, dancing and music activities, which can be tried at home during the week. Parents can also learn, in a very practical way, positive behaviour management skills and how to look after their child’s physical and emotional needs. With any type of learning disability, small gains take a long time to eventuate, so only limited outcomes can be measured in a short-term group. Group content topics need to be repeated many times in every new situation in order to make an impact on the parent’s learning. With any new crisis in the parent’s lives, confidence and self-esteem is lowered. Subsequently, some newly learnt skills will be lost and the relationship between parent and child may deteriorate. Parents with an ID process information in a concrete way, and they are often unable to understand abstract concepts. The information given to parents needs to be able to directly relate to their own situations in order to have any long-term effect. Parenting information needs to be repeated regularly as children move into another developmental stage. Often, adults with an ID cannot transfer the information they receive from one situation to another. Many parents with an ID are not literate; however, they need to be treated as any group of adults in the community, so handouts that are read through and explained can still be distributed to parents. Pictorial information is very useful for this group of parents. Video is a good medium, especially clips from television programs that portray a parenting issue that is useful for the group. Showing the clip then stopping the video for discussion is a good way to talk about general issues. It is then important to bring the issue back to the specific so the parents can relate it to their own situations. You will need to make decisions about: The duration of the group The number and skills of facilitators needed Whether the group will be open membership or closed Transport of parents to the group—will this be offered, or should parents make their own way to the group? How will the group cater for individual and differing learning needs? Group members might know each other outside the group, so you need to remind the group about respecting each other’s privacy, particularly the group rule that ‘what is said in the group stays in the group’ Providing a substantial meal rather than just refreshments Some sessions might involve the children as well, while role modelling appropriate play and other activities >>

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If parents are involuntarily referred to the group by statutory child welfare services, they are likely to be reluctant participants in the group. Experience has shown that even the most reluctant participant cannot resist the ‘check-in’ part of the session, and will eventually tell their story. The ‘check- in’ part of the group is very important for parents who have an ID. This section invites parents to speak about anything that is worrying them. It also allows for parents to bring to the group anything that they do not understand, such as legal notices. Issues such as police raids, altercations at school with children, not understanding what was decided at an assessment meeting or neighbours being abusive are examples of issues that can be raised and discussed. This allows parents to be able to focus on parenting issues for the rest of the group time. Any new parents attending the group can be invited to say something about themselves and their family if they want to. They can be given this opportunity at the end of the check-in, after the regular parents have had their say. Often, a new parent, especially if referred by child welfare services, will decline the invitation to speak until they have heard everyone else’s ‘check in’. When you invite them again to speak they will usually feel very comfortable doing so. Hearing what the other parents are going through and that they are in similar situations gives parents ‘permission’ to speak about themselves. Some of the parents in the group will not have been in a group situation before and will not know the basics of how a group works. There may need to be several breaks during the session, depending on the concentration skills of the group.

Possible content The group content will come from the check-in or pressing issues section, though generally the topics are: Safety (self and children) Routines Managing behaviour Practical issues such as cooking for children, simple meals, nutrition Hygiene in self and children Building up confidence and self-esteem in parenting and adulthood Communication skills Anger management skills Social and personal boundaries Content topics discussed need to be concrete and practical, and should relate to an actual child, parent or situation. Content topics need to be repeated so that information can be related to different situations.

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

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Warm-up Using the St. Luke’s Bear Cards, ask each parent to select the cards that best make up her or his family as it is now. Ask parents to talk about the names and ages of their children. This can be written up on butcher’s paper, where it can be re-used each week as a reminder for parents about the names of children and as an acknowledgement of the children who may not be in the full-time care of some of the parents in the group.

Check-in The ‘check-in’ time in the group needs to allow each parent to have his or her say about his or her situation at the moment. This could involve what she or he does not like or thinks is unfair about the systems involved—protective, legal and disability services, for example. Parents’ feelings about what has happened to them and whose fault they perceive this to be need to be talked through. It is then important that you reframe the situation by saying that what has happened up to now cannot be changed. With the support of the group the parents will be able to understand what is happening from now on. It is important to listen to parent’s stories, but just as important that the group does not become focused on criticising the system, but spends most of the time on parenting issues.

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention. Group rules should be spoken about briefly each week.

Group brainstorm Lead discussion around “What would I like to learn from coming to this group?” The discussion may elicit comments such as, “To get the welfare off my back”, “To help my kids better”, for example. From the group’s comments, create a list of content topics for future group sessions. The group members can then determine which topics are to be discussed in which order in the coming weeks.

Wind down Around the group, each parent to talk about one thing she or he likes to do to relax.

Close Thank parents for coming.

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Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group. For parents with an ID, these folders can become very important, as they are associated with a formal group experience in a learning environment. Often the group will be the first positive learning experience that participants have ever had.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources The following are published by the Department of Human Services Victoria, Disability Services, and may be downloaded from www.dhs.vic.gov.au; follow the links to ‘Disability Services’ and then ‘Our Publications’: Jewell, P. (1998) Out of the Mainstream: A parenting group for parents with an intellectual disability and their children. Jones, A. (1996) Parents with an Intellectual Disability—A worker’s manual. Llewellyn, G., McConnell, D., Grace-Dunn, R. & Dibden, M. (1999) Parents with an Intellectual Disability and Older Children—Strategies for support workers. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, Bear Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au. Victorian Parenting Centre (2002) Signposts For Building Better Behaviour: Parent Program, available at www.vicparenting.com.au.

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Parents with a mental illness Preparation It may be useful to consider forming a network of workers/ facilitators from a range of agencies to service this group. Jewell and McGinn (1999) describe such a cross-system model for parenting groups with parents who have a psychiatric illness: “In working collaboratively with a number of different agencies, the service provides a much broader spectrum of service opportunities for participants. It has certainly provided facilitators with a broader range of experiences and has helped prevent agency boundaries from becoming problematic.”

Possible group aims To enhance and strengthen the parenting skills and strategies available to parents with a mental illness For parents with a mental illness to become more confident in their parenting skills and abilities For parents with a mental illness to feel less socially isolated and have increased options for accessing a network of support

Facilitation Two facilitators are essential in facilitating this group. At least one facilitator should have some knowledge about mental illness, the mental health system and the effects of medication, as well as its impact on the individual and his or her family. The other facilitator needs to have an understanding of group process, dynamics and adult learning principles. Both facilitators need to be prepared and have an understanding of the range of behaviours that may be brought to the group as part of the mental illness.These could include falling asleep in the group and behaving aggressively (strategies to manage these behaviours might need to be discussed as part of the group rules in the first session). The facilitator’s role should not become one of quasi-case manager. The facilitator’s role should be impartial with regard to individual parent participants and be able to provide independent, non-judgemental parenting skills, strategies, support and encouragement. (For more information on facilitation, see pages 11–12.)

Matching the group Consider the target group: is the group intended for parents with a mental illness who have children in their full-time care, or will the group also target parents who have children in outof-home care (and/or in the statutory child welfare system)? Is the group being offered to parents who are not the primary caregivers but who have a shared care arrangement with the other parent or relative, or another care arrangement (such as foster care)? Consider whether primary and non-primary caregivers should be included together in the group, given that their needs as individuals (and subsequently as parents) may be diverse. Nonresidential parents may be further demoralised or angered if they attend a group with parents who have children in their full-time care (and who also have a mental illness). Facilitators need to promote the group as primarily being one that looks at parenting, not one in which mental illness is the major focus. Fro m

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Childcare/children’s group Quality childcare needs to be provided on site, preferably at no cost or at a minimum charge.

Referrals You could approach local community mental health clinics and community health centres, in order to proactively recruit parents with a mental illness to the group. Contact could also be made with the relevant statutory child welfare authority staff to promote and advertise the group and obtain referrals to the group.

Specific issues If the parent has a mental health worker, it will be important that you establish a means of communication with that worker so that strategies and ideas discussed in the group can be followed through at home. Additionally, the mental health worker needs to be aware that the client (the parent) has made a commitment to the group and will be expected to attend on a regular basis. Similarly, if the child/children are clients of statutory child welfare services, the appropriate case manager should be made aware of the goals and objectives of the group as well as the practical focus and content.This also applies to other services and supports involved with the family, such as family support services. Parents with a mental illness often have low self-esteem and little confidence in their parenting abilities, so the group should provide plenty of opportunities for strengthening parents’ self-image. Similarly, if parents are involved with a statutory child welfare service as well as mental health services, they may feel disempowered. Often, parents will have many appointments with various professionals during the week, and it may be useful for the facilitator to contact other professionals involved with the families, in order to rationalise and coordinate these appointments during the course of the group.

Possible content Looking after yourself/self-esteem Managing appointments—getting to places on time Social networks and social supports—using, building and strengthening them Dealing with and understanding government departments and the medical system Dealing with and understanding the education system (primary and secondary) Child development and behaviour—ages and stages

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 17–19).

Warm-up Around the room, ask each parent to tell the group the names and ages of their children. Write these up on butcher’s paper for use in future group sessions.

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks

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Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of other’s opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a parent, and what has been the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together on the order of content topics.

Wind down Ask parents to share one activity that they like to do to relax.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Reference Jewell, H. & McGinn, I. (1999) ‘Parenting Together: A community peer support program’, in V. Cowling (ed.) Children of Parents with Mental Illness, Melbourne: ACER Press.

Relevant resources Aldridge, J. & Becker, S. (2003) Children Caring for Parents with Mental Illness: Perspectives of young carers, parents and professionals. Bristol, UK: Polity. Cowling, V. (ed.) (2004) Children of Parents with Mental Illness 2: Personal and Clinical Perspectives, Melbourne: ACER Press. Cowling, V. (ed.) (1999) Children of Parents with Mental Illness, Melbourne: ACER Press. BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

Sane Australia You’re Not Alone (2003) and Joe’s Diary (2001), available at website http://www.sane.org.

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with substance-abuse Parents issues Preparation It is essential that facilitators agree about the purpose of the group and the target population. For example, is the group aimed at parents presently actively involved with drug and alcohol services, or is it for those who have a past history of problematic use of alcohol and other drugs? Is the group one of voluntary attendance, or are the participants attending because of a mandatory (court or statutory child welfare authority) requirement? Is the overall group objective to enhance and strengthen already existing parenting skills, or is it to bring participants’ parenting skills to a minimum standard? Are participants the primary caregivers of their child/children, or are they not living with them at present?

Possible group aims To enhance and strengthen the parenting skills and strategies available to parents with substance-abuse issues For parents with substance-abuse issues to become more confident of their parenting skills and abilities For parents with substance-abuse issues to feel less socially isolated and to have increased options for accessing a network of support

Facilitation Two facilitators are essential for this parenting group, with at least one facilitator having knowledge of substance-abuse issues and their impact and effects on parenting. The other facilitator should have knowledge of group process and adult learning principles. As with any group work involving principles of adult learning, an understanding of group process and group dynamics is essential. Ideally, the group will be resourced and facilitated by professionals representing a crosssection of the health and welfare service sector. (For more information about facilitation, see pages 17–19.)

Matching the group You will need to decide on the target group characteristics before recruiting parents to the group. Is the group targeted towards parents with substance-abuse issues who have children in their full-time care, or will the group also be offered to parents who have children in out-ofhome care (and/or in the statutory child welfare system)? Alternatively, is the group being offered to parents who are not the primary caregivers but who have a shared care arrangement with the other parent, relative or other (such as foster care)? Think about whether the group can be managed with the inclusion of primary and non-primary caregivers, given that their needs as individuals (and subsequently as parents) may be diverse. Non-residential parents may be further demoralised or angered if they attend a group with parents who have children in their full-time care (and who also have substanceabuse issues).

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In some cases, parents who have substance-abuse issues also have a diagnosed mental illness. Consider whether parents with these complex personal issues would benefit from a parent group. Are participants required to have acknowledged that they have a substance-abuse problem and/or that they are accessing appropriate therapy/detoxification services? Promote the group as primarily being one that looks at parenting skills and strategies, not one in which substance abuse is the major focus.

Childcare/children’s group You will need to be able to provide a safe and secure environment.This should be a place where the children do not have any unnecessary responsibility and are allowed to play and be children. The childcare workers need to have some knowledge of the effects parental substance abuse can have on children.

Referrals Referrals could be sought from agencies that would be likely to be already involved with parents with substance-abuse issues, such as drug and alcohol services, community health centres, Maternal and Child Health Nurses and statutory child welfare workers. You will need to be clear about your expectations of participants. For example: Regular attendance (what is reasonable)? Do you require notice if participants are unable to attend? Honesty about the level of drug/alcohol use/misuse Not abusing drugs and/or alcohol and are attending treatment and therapy Careful screening of participants is essential in order to determine whether parents are ready and/or able to give, take and learn from the group, or whether their drug and alcohol issues are too overwhelming to focus on their parent group experience. Parents still undergoing drug detoxification, for example, are unlikely to be able to focus primarily on parenting issues. Professionals from the relevant referring agencies should meet initially to discuss advertising—is it needed, are there enough potential clients from the current pool that people are working with, and what criteria for inclusion in the group are going to be applied?

Specific issues Characteristics that are common to children whose parent(s) have substance-abuse issues include: Parents are often unable to give their children the time, attention and direction that they need. Neglect of children can result in children missing school or arriving without lunch and inadequately dressed, for instance. Children can take on the parenting role, looking after parents and other siblings. Children may find it difficult to know how to be children if their own parents have passed on that responsibility. Living in a household that does not have a routine or a consistent approach towards behaviour and/or other uncertainties (such as temporary accommodation) can result in children displaying physical and psychological disorders. Children may have difficulty following through on long-term school projects and completing homework tasks.They may be inconsistent and erratic in school attendance and academic expectations. >>

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Parents who have substance-abuse issues often find it difficult to see a situation from the child’s perspective. In this group it is important for parents to focus on their child’s experience. Additionally, the child’s stage of development in relation to the parents’ expectations is important to talk through in the group. The ‘pressing issues’ segment of the group is important for dealing with any overriding issues that parents may bring to the group, but you will need to remind the group that the primary focus is on parenting.

Possible content How to stay drug-free—setting up support networks Dealing with government departments, medical, child welfare and other services Understanding and dealing with the education system—primary and secondary How to organise and maintain a routine for yourself and your child Dealing with children’s emotions

Suggestions for a first session The purpose of the first session is to ensure that participants feel welcome, safe and happy to continue the following week. Engage parents in the planning of the sessions for the following weeks. The success of the first session is crucial to the engagement process (see pages 11–12).

Warm-up Ask each parent to tell the others the name and age of her or his child/children. “How did you decide on that name, and why?”

Suggested group rules One facilitator should lead a group discussion on rules for the group. Group rules may need a lot of time to form, and may including some seemingly very basic rules as well as some rules to keep everyone safe. These may include: Time and length of breaks Staying in the group until the official break Waiting to speak and not interrupting others Being respectful of others’ opinions Being respectful of other parents’ family situation No swearing or violence in the group Respecting confidentiality in the group Contacting a facilitator if unable to attend the group for any reason Once the group has decided on some rules, the other facilitator writes them on butcher’s paper that is then placed where all group members can see them each week. If necessary, bring these to the group’s attention, although it may not be necessary to review them every week.

Group brainstorm Ask the group as a whole, “What has been the best thing about becoming a parent, and what has been the hardest thing?” From the comments coming out of this discussion, you should be able to create a list of possible content topics for the group (see suggestions above under possible content topics). Ask the group to decide together on the order of content topics.

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Wind down Using St. Luke’s Strength Cards, ask each parent to choose one card that represents a strength she or he has as a parent, and one card that represents a strength he or she has as a person. Everyone in the group can choose to share their cards if they want to.

Close Thank parents for coming. Optional Hand out folders with information regarding the group venue, telephone numbers of the facilitators (for messages regarding absences) and dates and times of the group sessions. The folders can then be used to hold any written handouts that may be distributed during the course of the group.

Following sessions Refer to the core modules for ideas on the session outline, warm-ups, content, homework and wind downs.

Relevant resources Harbin, F. & Murphy, M. (eds) (2000) Substance Misuse and Childcare: How to understand, assist and intervene when drugs affect parenting, United Kingdom: Lyme Regis Russell House. St. Luke’s Innovative Resources (1993) Strength Cards, available from ACER Press, 347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, website www.acerpress.com.au.

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