Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Divorce: What Children Need to Know (Great Answers to Difficult Que)

Great Answers to Difficult Questions about DIVORCE

by the same author Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Adoption What Children Need to Know ISBN 978 1 84310 671 5

of related interest Help your Child or Teen Get Back On Track What Parents and Professionals Can Do for Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems

Kenneth H. Talan, M.D. ISBN 978 1 84310 870 2

Self-Esteem Games for Children Deborah M. Plummer Illustrated by Jane Serrurier ISBN 978 1 84310 424 7

Anger Management Games for Children Deborah M. Plummer Illustrated by Jane Serrurier ISBN 978 1 84310 628 9

Great Answers to Difficult Questions about DIVORCE WHAT CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW

Fanny Cohen Herlem

Jessica Kingsley Publishers London and Philadelphia

This edition published in 2008 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers 116 Pentonville Road London N1 9JB, UK and 400 Market Street, Suite 400 Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA www.jkp.com First edition published in 2005 in French as Le divorce: comment répondre aux questions des enfants Copyright © Éditions Pascal 2005 Translated from French by Translate-A-Book, Oxford, England All case histories and examples presented in this book are drawn from the author’s personal experience. Proper names have been changed to preserve confidentiality. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher. Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Herlem, Fanny Cohen. Great answers to difficult questions about divorce : what children need to know / Fanny Cohen Herlem. p. cm. ISBN 978-1-84310-672-2 (pb : alk. paper) 1. Divorce. 2. Children of divorced parents. 3. Questions and answers. I. Title. HQ814.H45 2008 306.89--dc22 2008007289

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84310 672 2 ISBN pdf eBook 978 1 84642 818 0 Printed and bound in the United States by Thomson-Shore, Inc

Contents

PREFACE

7

CHAPTER 1

Why are my parents separating?

17

CHAPTER 2

What happens now?

23

CHAPTER 3

They never agree and they’re always arguing!

33

I’m going to Dad’s (Mom’s) now!

39

What if we all live too far away from each other?

45

Things aren’t easy for me right now!

51

What will happen next?

60

CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

Common mistakes and complications

69

CHAPTER 9

Things are better now!

83

APPENDIX 1:

A CHECKLIST FOR CHILDREN

85

APPENDIX 2:

PARENTAL BEHAVIOR AND THE LAW

87

USEFUL WEBSITES

90

APPENDIX 3:

Preface

Divorce is a word derived from the Latin for separation. Being a parent is not a free ride! At times it is difficult to reconcile one’s own needs with the demands of married life and parenthood – so difficult, in fact, that something often has to give! As we know, either partner may elect to go his or her own way and decide – for all kinds of reasons – that continuing to live with the other partner is no longer a viable option. Clearly, such decisions can trigger a whole range of emotions, among them guilt, anger, hostility, and, at times, outright hatred. It is common knowledge that separation and divorce are often painful, and, what is more, they can prompt a reappraisal of life choices, habits, and lifestyle generally. Even when the process of separation and divorce is amicable, the readjustment and reorganization of day-to-day life is likely to prove onerous and painful. This book is primarily intended - 7 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

to help not only parents undergoing divorce, but also those they hold in common trust, the children. In principle, an adult should have the practical and emotional resources to deal with problems as they arise, or should know where to turn for help. By comparison with previous generations, today’s parents are arguably better informed about (and, as a result, probably more alert to) the effects such changed circumstances may have on their children. As the process of separation follows its course, parents will often wish to talk to their children and explain step by step what is happening and why. Even so, it is sometimes far from easy to care for others when one is already hard-pressed to take care of oneself ! Parents are often so preoccupied by everything that is going on in their own lives and by their own immediate problems, that they fail to read the signs of distress or confusion from their children. Time and again, I have seen how “well-behaved” children can react in such circumstances. They may choose to keep their own counsel and be determined to ask no questions that might somehow offend the adults involved. They may often prove “unbearable” to an unprecedented degree; to the point where their parents, at a loss to understand, are themselves bewildered and distraught. As a rule (the exception perhaps being where a parental relationship is excessively adversarial) children dislike this sort of change, where they find - 8 -

PREFACE

themselves drawn into a situation characterized by bickering and mutual recrimination. At the same time, they are usually anxious to love both parents, albeit perhaps showing greater “sympathy” for the one they sense is the more vulnerable. Any unresolved questions in their minds give rise to a sense of unease and insecurity as they lose their normal bearings and points of reference. Some children can choose to assume the mantle of “guardian-protector”, “comforter” or even “arbiter”, and divided loyalties are frequent. The upshot is that children may suffer – in silence or otherwise – and may often hope that their behavior will somehow be noticed by parents who seem either oblivious or unable to comprehend. This book is intended to alert parents to a host of questions to which children typically seek answers. It may help parents understand not only how deep-rooted such questions are, but also how diverse. Indeed, there are almost as many questions as there are children! Parents do not all respond in the same way to the questions children ask of them, and neither will they handle the issue of separation and divorce in a uniform way. While children will inevitably react to parental separation in many different ways, a feeling of loss is perhaps the dominant response. Children often live in the secret hope that their parents will one day get back together again. I have known cases where this hope - 9 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

has persisted even when the parents have “moved on” and had more children with other partners. The need for dialogue is paramount. Children will express suffering by different forms of behavior: they become more irritable perhaps, more “touchy”, more excitable, or more apathetic; they sleep poorly, are easily distracted, or appear absent-minded in class. Talking about their worries and preoccupations must go some way towards alleviating their symptoms and putting their minds at rest. I have set down in print a wide range of questions that children have asked, either in the course of consultation or elsewhere, together with the responses of an experienced child psychologist. My aim is not to provide readers with a series of “quick-fix” solutions but, instead, to chart a course through the maze of questions children typically ask. The book also addresses questions that both parents and children may have some difficulty in articulating themselves. For the most part, the “answers” are my own or are based on actual responses of parents or other children. Clearly, however, it is essential that individuals find the answers that are appropriate and best suited to themselves. Obviously, and sadly, there is no simple, magic formula. Over the course of the following chapters, we shall learn that:

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PREFACE

•

it is vital to prepare children in the event of divorce

•

irrespective of age, things can be said to help children understand the change in circumstances that will ensue

•

children are perfectly capable of understanding what is explained to them

•

to the extent that a child needs to be able to love both parents, and to keep intact the image he has formed of each, differences and mutual recrimination at the parental level should not be made overt.

On the last point, I would draw particular attention to Chapter 8 on common mistakes and complications and to the list of “Messages children should never be asked to carry” (see p.81). This section tackles the delicate issue of how each parent experiences the divorce and how this impacts on the child or children concerned. It cannot be stressed too often or too forcefully that parents should under no circumstances expose a child to expressions of the differences that exist between them. In the event of separation or divorce, such recrimination may well be justified, but all too often I have seen children emerge as “messengers” or conduits for information to which they should not be party. In such cases, where parents are manifestly oblivious to the serious harm they can - 11 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

cause, something must be done to protect the child or children involved. This is not protection against their parents per se but against the potentially harmful effects of their parents’ emotional state which has resulted, for only a brief period we hope, in their being less attentive and less careful than they should be. It should always be kept in mind that mutual respect at parental level is essential to preclude the child being placed in the untenable position of siding with one parent at the apparent risk of losing the affection of the other. Kids must be reminded time and again that they have only one mother and only one father. Some adults may find it difficult to understand a child’s reactions or even to discuss matters with him or her. In my experience, another adult – one who is not directly emotionally involved – can frequently prove useful in helping a child come to terms with the situation. Parents should not feel “diminished” or in any sense inadequate if they have recourse to a third party as an intermediary – all the more so since it is very hard to stay objective in what is clearly a most stressful situation. To conclude on a note of optimism: more often than not, parents will be at pains to do everything they can to prevent their children suffering as a result of separation or divorce. It is to be hoped that reading the questions and answers on the following pages will - 12 -

PREFACE

help them stand back a little and view their circumstances and emotions with some degree of objectivity. Granted, the whole issue of divorce is problematic, but dialogue is essential. Accordingly, this book is dedicated to adults, families, their nearest and dearest, and, most of all, to children everywhere.

- 13 -

Raymond and Julia: A case in point George and Mary met and became close friends at college. Eventually, they married and had two children called Raymond and Julia. Raymond recalls: When we were little, everything was fine at home, but then one day Dad become very cross with Mom. That went on for several months until, without telling us why, Dad left home and went to live somewhere else. My sister Julia and I have always wondered why. This is a common enough story of separation. There are obviously many reasons why parents – married or otherwise – decide to separate. Perhaps the main reason is that they have fallen out of love; but there may be other reasons of which their children are unaware. That said, the children’s lives will be affected and they have every reason to ask their parents: why?

- CHAPTER 1 -

Why are my parents separating?

When parents separate, it is usually after going through a difficult patch and often after a series of heated discussions – at times in front of the children. Sometimes children fail to see a situation develop and are surprised and all the more upset because they cannot understand what has happened. They love both their parents, but their mom and dad no longer appear to love each other. The children will often start to ask if they themselves will be loved as before, and whether the situation is their fault. It is up to the parents to set the record straight and absolve the children of any responsibility.

Nathalie (7 years) Why are Dad and Mom getting divorced? Well, you must understand, people often change as they get older. Sometimes dads change in ways moms - 17 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

don’t like and sometimes it happens the other way around. Perhaps they have both been working so hard that they haven’t been seeing enough of each other; they have become so used to being alone, it’s almost as if they were not married. It can also be that your dad or mom has met and fallen in love with someone else and wants to live with that other person. Maybe your parents don’t love one another as much as they used to. Perhaps there are other reasons – grown-up reasons that have nothing to do with you, even though you are affected by the result.

What kind of grown-up reasons? That’s hard to say. But you have secrets of your own, don’t you? Don’t you sometimes tell your friends things you don’t tell your parents? Private things.

Does it mean my parents don’t love me any more? Parents love each other in an adult way that’s not the same as the way they love you. Things may have changed between your parents but that doesn’t mean they will stop loving you.

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WHY ARE MY PARENTS SEPARATING?

But why do they shout at me more now and why are they always so angry with me? Well, it’s never very easy when people separate. Your parents are upset and, because they are angry with one another and so busy doing what they have to do, maybe they are not as attentive or as patient with you as usual. It’s not always very fair, I know, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you any more.

Julia (7) Is it my fault? I sometimes think that if I’d been nicer or better behaved, my parents mightn’t have quarreled so much. You must never think that! Whatever happened, it happened between them, not between them and you. Even if they were sometimes arguing about you, that doesn’t mean they separated because of you. And, even if they disagreed about you, that is only because they don’t see eye to eye about some things. But it’s not your fault. You’re only a child, after all.

But why don’t they want to stay together? When I fall out with my friends, my parents tell me to talk to them and sort things out. I know. Things that happen between children are often really important, but it’s not the same as what happens between grown-ups. Your parents must be - 19 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

really upset with one another if they’re ready to divorce. That’s a big decision that will have a huge effect on their lives and on yours.

Don’t they care about me and my brother Raymond? Do you really think they don’t?

Yes. Of course they care! Your parents certainly still care about you both. But they know it’s not a good thing for children to have parents who don’t love one another any more and who argue all the time. They’re only doing what they think is best for the two of you, as well as for themselves.

Sebastian (10) Does this mean I’m getting divorced too? Children often say to me “Mom (or Dad) and I are getting a divorce” and I have to remind them that it is the adults who are divorcing, not the children. Wherever your parents are, separated or not, and irrespective of whether they love each other or not, or whether one is still angry with the other, they will always be your parents. Divorce is something adults have to deal with once they decide to call it quits. But

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WHY ARE MY PARENTS SEPARATING?

their children will always remain their children. Children are not there to be divided up between husband and wife like items of furniture, a house, a cat, or a dog. Your dad and mom will always be your dad and mom.

Even when they aren’t married? That makes no difference. It might be different for them but not for you.

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- CHAPTER 2 -

What happens now?

Many things change after a divorce. Even if the process is comparatively smooth and a child goes on to see his or her parents on a regular basis, it can sometimes be quite difficult for him or her to adapt to and accept a new life. Prior to the divorce, life will have seemed reassuringly organized; after it, changes happen in home life, daily routine, habits – all manner of little things that a child is used to. Everyone needs to make an effort to understand the changes and learn to live life differently. This is far from easy, not just for the child but for everyone concerned: parents have to learn how to address their children’s worries and children have to learn to accept and adapt to a new lifestyle.

Gabriella (9) Who am I going to live with now? It’s up to the judge to decide who you will live with on a day-to-day basis. And it’s the judge who will decide - 23 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

how responsibilities are shared and which of your parents will have what is called “custody”. In theory, your parents will have joint custody, but you will live full-time with one parent and the judge will decide when you can visit your other parent. That will probably be every other weekend and maybe for half your vacation. But your parents can also come to an agreement that you can see one or the other more often or for a greater length of time.

What is shared responsibility? That means they are both responsible for you and that one parent can’t take all the important decisions about you or your life without first letting the other parent know. For example, if you have to change school or if one of your parents wants you to go to a religious school or wants you to have your own passport. And both of them must know how you’re doing in school, and have the right to talk to your teachers.

What if my grades are poor? Does that mean they’ll both scold me? Maybe. On the other hand, if you get good grades, they’ll both be pleased, won’t they?

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WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

And what if I want to go to a friend’s house on a Wednesday, say, or invite a friend back to my place after school, do I have to get permission from both of them? No. That sort of thing might seem important to you at the time, but it doesn’t affect your whole way of life, so one parent’s decision is enough.

Jonathan (10) Who gets to keep the house we are living in now? It could be that you’ll stay on with one parent in the house or apartment where you live now, but that’s not always possible for financial or other practical reasons. The rent may be too high for one parent to afford, for example, or your parents may change jobs and need to move somewhere else. If you go to live with your mother, she may want to move closer to her parents or to friends who can perhaps help her to look after you. It sometimes happens that neither of your parents may even want to remain where they once lived together, but would prefer to move somewhere else and start a completely new life. In any case, don’t worry – you won’t end up without a place to live.

What else will change? It’s quite likely you’ll end up living somewhere different, and your lifestyle will also change. Perhaps your - 25 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

mom didn’t go out to work before but now finds she has to. If that happens, she will have less time for you. What’s more, your parents probably won’t have as much money as before, because they used to share some things and now have to buy one of each: a car, a washing machine, beds, and other pieces of furniture. As you get older, you might be expected to do more for yourself and to help out more around the house: tidying your own room, for instance, or clearing away the breakfast dishes, sorting laundry, and running small errands. Perhaps you can help by picking up your little sister from school because your mom or dad is still at work and can’t be there, or you may even make your sister a snack after school. You’ll soon get into the swing of things and it’ll get easier as time passes!

Hector (11) Who decides how many days I can spend with my mom or dad? As a rule, it’s best if your parents can agree on this but, if they can’t, it’s up to the judge to decide. What happens most often is that a child will live full-time with one parent and visit with the other parent, perhaps every other weekend. However, you and your parents may agree otherwise – perhaps having you stay part of the week with your mom and the remain-

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WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

der with your dad or every other week with one of them. If you are living with your mom, for instance, you could perhaps spend every Tuesday night at your dad’s and stay over until the following day.

Why isn’t it the same for everybody? It depends on so many different things! Above all, on how your parents’ time is organized! Or, sometimes, on whether you have grandparents who have time to take you to and from school or to help you with your schoolwork.

What if I live with my dad? Can I still see my mom? Of course you can! You have every right to see both parents! All it takes is a little bit of organization. For instance, your parents might agree that you spend Wednesdays with your mom, or that they’ll take turns picking you up from school, or maybe that one of them will take you to sports practice. Then at weekends, you might be at your mom’s one week and at your dad’s the next. The same goes for vacations. Ask the parent you are living with to show you on a calendar the days you are going to spend with the other parent, then color them in and hang the calendar in the kitchen or in your room. That way, you’ll know exactly how things look for the time ahead. - 27 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Caroline (10) Who decides how much money my mom or my dad must pay for me? As a rule, your parents will agree on how much is to be paid to the person with whom you are going to live full-time. If they can’t agree, it is up to the judge, who will look at how much money each of your parents earns and decide, with your best interests in mind, how much is needed for your education and upbringing.

One of my friends says her mom keeps complaining that her dad doesn’t give her enough money and that she can’t afford everything she had before. I understand – you are worried that the same thing could happen to you. It’s true that some parents argue about money in front of their children, but I think they should settle things like that quietly between themselves and leave the children out of it entirely. It’s also true that, when people stop living together, there tends to be less cash around. Sometimes you may just have to wait a little while longer for those new sneakers or the tee-shirt you want for summer. Maybe you should try asking your parents if they’ll let you have a budget for your clothes and personal things. And remember: you can always earn some extra pocket money by doing little jobs now and again. - 28 -

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

Natasha (9) My brother lives with my mom and I live with my dad. Does that mean my brother and I are divorced? Certainly not. It is your parents who are divorcing, not you two children!

So when can I see my brother? That is basically up to you and your brother, but your parents can come to some arrangement so that you two can see one another as often as you’d like. In any case, you’ll meet at weekends when you visit your mom and he visits his dad. And there’s always vacation time!

Anne-Marie (9) Dad says I’m in something called alternating custody. What that means is that your parents have come to an agreement for you to spend an equal amount of time with each of them – normally a week with one followed by a week with the other. And when you’re with one, you can always keep in touch with the other.

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

What if my parents don’t live in the same city or even in the same country? If one of them lives so far away that you can’t visit over a weekend, the judge will usually rule that you can spend more of your vacation time with that parent.

What about my grandparents? If you want to see them and they want to see you, nobody should stop you. Grandparents will often feel they have a right to see their grandchildren and, if they cannot reach an agreement with your parents, they can ask the judge to fix regular visits.

What about the rest of my family? There’s nothing to prevent you from continuing to see them. As a rule, however, you will probably see your dad’s side of the family when you are with your dad and your mom’s side when you are with her. It all depends on how things still stand between them.

Cyril (8) Dad keeps asking me to do all sorts of things he should be doing for my little brother and that means I don’t have time to play and listen to my music. Now that the situation has changed, everyone has to do a tiny bit more. It’s only normal that you should - 30 -

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

help a little. Your dad works all hours and now has to do things all by himself that your parents used to do together. If you get yourself properly organized, you’ll certainly find time to do the things you enjoyed before.

My dad says divorce helps children grow up. Is that right? In a way. The more responsible and capable you show yourself to be, the more chances to make decisions you’ll be given in exchange. And, little by little, you’ll learn to take charge of your own life and quickly discover how pleasant it is to decide more and more for yourself.

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- CHAPTER 3 -

They never agree and they’re always arguing!

Kids go through a hard enough time during a parental divorce, but it can be even harder for them when the separation is not amicable and they are exposed to arguments and recrimination. More often than not, the children simply want it all to be over and done with as quickly as possible. At the same time, they frequently discover that their parents need someone to mediate between them. That is why it needs to be stressed that children should be spared wrangling and arguments: they need to continue loving both their parents and don’t want to find themselves in the position of having to act as a “referee”.

Alvin (8) My parents never agree on anything. In that case, they can always turn to someone who will mediate or arbitrate for them, which means help them - 33 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

to find common ground and agree. If necessary, a person can be appointed by the courts to do this.

Why did they have to go to court in the first place? I thought people only went to court when they had done something really bad? They went to see a judge because they couldn’t agree on things. The judge is not just any old judge but someone who is an expert in family matters. They will understand that your parents don’t get along any more and will work with them – perhaps with the help of lawyers – to find a solution to any problems that come about because of their decision to separate. And remember that the judge is also there to protect the children, and make sure that their rights are taken into account.

What will the judge decide? The judge will rule on three very important things. First, on whether you will go to live full-time either with your dad or with your mom or take turns with one parent or the other for a time. Then he will decide the amount of money your dad or your mom should pay to the parent you live with full-time to help pay for your upkeep and so on. And, last but not least, the judge will rule on when and how often you can visit the parent you are not living with full-time. - 34 -

THEY NEVER AGREE AND THEY’RE ALWAYS ARGUING!

But why can’t my parents decide that for themselves? Oh, but they can! And, if they can, then so much the better! In that case, all they have to do is tell the judge and he’ll write it down in a legal document. (It can happen that your parents aren’t able to agree or that they change their minds once they are divorced. In that case, it’s always best if the judge writes down what has been decided.) Sometimes, parents who still get along well with one another – even if they are divorcing – will decide everything themselves, with nothing written down and without going to court or telling a judge what they’ve decided.

What about me? Don’t I have the right to say what I think? If the judge sees fit, he or she can consult with the children and ask their opinion. Whatever the decision, it will be the adults who take it. It will not be for you to choose the parent you are going to live with full-time. That decision would be very difficult for you. But remember that you can always talk things over with your parents and let them know how you feel.

Why would it be very difficult for me? Children often worry that choosing to live with one parent can be taken to mean that they prefer that parent, and they are sometimes afraid of hurting the one they don’t choose. - 35 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Alice (12) My parents argued whenever they were together and I was quite happy when they separated because they did nothing but shout and scream all the time. Some nights I had to lock myself away in my room to get away from the noise! Once they divorced, I thought all that would be over, but far from it. Now, every time they have to meet for some reason or other, like when I come back from a weekend visit, there’s still always something to argue about. Mom will tell Dad she’s had enough, that I always come back from his place with so much dirty laundry, and he’ll reply that he’s sick of paying for what he calls “all this nonsense”. Why do they still fight like this? It’s sad when parents continue to fight like you say. But it only goes to show that they’re still very angry with one another and that divorce hasn’t enabled them to shake off all those negative feelings.

But what about me? I don’t want them to go on using me as some sort of ammunition. One idea might be to find some way of keeping them from bumping into one another when you’re leaving for the weekend or coming back. How would that be? Do you think it would be possible for one or the other to see you only as far as the front door on the understanding that you wave from a window once you are safely inside?

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THEY NEVER AGREE AND THEY’RE ALWAYS ARGUING!

John (10) My parents can’t see eye to eye on anything, period! My dad is not pleased because I am at my mom’s every other weekend and that means missing the soccer game on Saturday afternoon. But my mom wants to see me and, surely, that’s only normal. It’s the same thing with vacations. They’re both always a day late coming for me or bringing me back because they say the day or the hour wasn’t convenient. Mom has to wait for Dad to show up or vice versa. And one always thinks the other has done it deliberately. We all know that life can get really complicated at times. Visiting dates and hours should be fixed by the court. I don’t think there’s too much you personally can do about this all on your own, but it would perhaps help to discuss it with your parents. If that doesn’t work, try to talk to an adult you know and like; perhaps he or she can have a word with your parents and explain to them how awkward the situation is for you.

Esther (11) My friend Jean’s parents are in the middle of a divorce and, because they argue nonstop, my dad has suggested to her parents that she come over to our place to be out of the way and to get

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

away from it all. Jean has stopped doing any schoolwork and she’s told me she wants to run away. It’s really kind of your dad to help out like this. Jean will be glad to get away for a while and she will have you to talk to when she feels like it.

As it happens, everything is going okay for me with my own parents, but I have other girlfriends whose parents have divorced, and there are bad feelings. We find that talking about it really helps.

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- CHAPTER 4 -

I’m going to Dad’s (Mom’s) now!

It is always something of an odd feeling for a child when leaving one parent to “visit” the other. Even the very thought of leaving one parent to spend the night with the other, or the fact of returning the following day, can prompt a guilty feeling, namely that one parent or the other is being “abandoned”. Meanwhile, in an otherwise unfamiliar house or apartment, the child will be confronted by new things and, at the same time, will often encounter familiar objects and items of furniture that are now missing from where he or she habitually lives. Seemingly anodyne questions will inevitably arise: “Where do I sleep?” “Why is it so boring here at Mom’s/Dad’s?” Questions like these are simply part of the child’s essential need to restore familiarity to his or her day-to-day environment.

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Sarah (8) Where am I going to sleep when I’m at Dad’s? Will he be taking my bed over to his place? If your parents thought it best to leave your old bed where it has always been, it is probable that your dad will have bought you another one. But perhaps, for a little while at least and until he can make other arrangements, you may have to sleep on a sofa in the lounge or even on a mattress on the floor.

I visited my dad’s new apartment the other day and I thought it was weird to see our old table and chairs there! I wasn’t very happy about that because it makes our old home look so empty now! I think my parents could have asked me how I felt about that. When parents separate, objects and items of furniture are usually shared between them. As a rule, this doesn’t create problems, but sometimes parents disagree about who gets what and, at that point, the court will settle things. As for asking your opinion, I think they could certainly have asked you. But perhaps the emptiness you feel at home is not so much because the furniture has gone but because your dad has moved out.

- 40 -

I’M GOING TO DAD’S (MOM’S) NOW!

I miss my dad more than ever! It’s okay to be sad; that’s quite normal. Maybe you could hang a photo of him somewhere on a wall or ask him to let you have a keepsake – something favorite of his that you can put on your desk. Perhaps that would help.

Ronnie (7) I’ve just spent all Wednesday with Mom. It was almost like being on vacation again. We did so many things we never seemed to have time to do before! It was very hard to say goodbye and I was almost in tears. That upset me because I cried this morning already when I had to leave my dad. If that’s how things are going to be from now on, I’m going to run away and leave them both. That way, I won’t ever cry again! And then it’ll be their turn to be sad! I know how complicated things are right now. It’s quite normal to be sad when you have to say goodbye and it will probably take you a little while to get used to it. But why would you want to punish either of them by leaving for good?

Because maybe they’re happy they got divorced, but I’m definitely not! I think everybody would be sad if you left home, don’t you? It’s not such a great idea, is it? I know it’s not nice - 41 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

when you feel like crying, but sometimes it’s better to let it all out and then be comforted than to keep things bottled up inside, or punish your parents by running away when they’ll never know how upset you were.

Sophie (9) I’ve just spent my first weekend visit with Dad. I didn’t sleep well since it was really late before we ate – Dad had some work to do – and he kept asking me questions: how things were at Mom’s, how I was doing in school, what about my friends and so on! Why does he have to ask me all that kind of stuff ? Half the time, I don’t know what to reply! It seems to me you’re still very angry with your dad and I think you need a little time to settle down. You have to understand that life is not going to be the way it was.

Okay, but he didn’t even cook what I like. There was no tomato ketchup and no ice cream for dessert. All I can say is that you have to let things calm down. Don’t forget: your dad also needs some time to get himself organized and to think of everything. Why don’t you tell him what you like to eat and maybe help him to go shopping and prepare a meal? As for all his questions, remember that is just his way of trying to stay in touch with you as far as possible and getting to know about the life you lead when he’s not around. - 42 -

I’M GOING TO DAD’S (MOM’S) NOW!

It’s difficult to find something to do when Dad and I are together. Sure, we went to the park for a bit, but we left when it started to rain and then we just sat around at home and watched TV. I was bored. You could always take along some toys and games when you visit with him. Then, later on, you might be able to invite some of your old girlfriends over like you used to – or even some of your new friends if you’ve had to change to a different school. As for sleeping over, don’t forget your favorite cuddly toy! Once parents separate and divorce, their lifestyle changes and they need time to adapt and to get things organized for themselves – and that includes their relationship with you. Children often have to be patient with them, and that isn’t always easy, because issues that may seem trivial to adults may seem very important to children.

- 43 -

- CHAPTER 5 -

What if we all live too far away from each other?

Following a separation or divorce, one parent may move to a different part of town or even to a different town entirely. This may be because he or she needs to be closer to a workplace or simply because they have friends in that neighborhood. They may decide to move away in order to be closer to their parents or other family members who might be willing to look after the children once or twice a week or during vacation time. When this happens, the big question is how a child can best sustain a relationship with the “absent” parent. For the child, this actually offers an opportunity to develop “long-distance” communication skills using letters, e-mails, telephone calls and so on. The child can update the “distant” parent on what is happening generally, and can also demonstrate (perhaps by sending photos or drawings) continuing affection and attachment.

- 45 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Martin (9) It looks as if Grandpa and Grandma don’t want to see Dad any more (or that Auntie Jean doesn’t want to see Mom). I hate that, because I want to see my cousins again! Some families split up completely after a divorce. Sometimes the adults still get on with each other, sometimes not; sometimes they continue to see each other, sometimes not; and sometimes they may say all sorts of unpleasant things about each other. Adults are like that, but it can make life complicated for you. What really matters is that you can go on seeing everyone you want to, without this person or that saying something boring or silly about your dad or mom or, for that matter, anyone else. In practice, you will probably visit with your dad’s family along with him and your mom’s family with her.

What about all their friends? Will that be the same? When your parents were together, they had friends in common, but it can happen that some of a couple’s former friends will choose to remain friends only with one parent or the other.

- 46 -

WHAT IF WE ALL LIVE TOO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER?

Sebastian (11) What will happen about my friends? If we move, I’ll have to go to a new school and then I won’t ever see them again, will I? Of course you will – all you have to do is make sure they have your new address. And what’s to stop you inviting them to your new home? Even if you move to a different town, you can always invite them to visit at vacation time.

But we all used to meet up every Wednesday to go rollerblading or watch TV together! If you do go to a new school, you’ll soon make new friends even if you still stay in touch with your old ones. Why not invite your new friends over to hang out with you after school? Or sign up for sports or other activities at school? Getting to know new people is not always easy, but it’s worth trying, however difficult it may seem at first. When you were living with both your parents, it was always possible to spend your leisure time in the company of one or the other, playing with your dad, perhaps, or going to the shops with your mom. Sadly, you may not be able to do that as often as you’d like any more, but there are all kinds of ways of making sure you keep in touch.

- 47 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Such as? One way is by writing. You can write to your mom or dad every day, if you like. They don’t have to be long letters, of course, just a simple note to say how you’re getting along and what you’re up to. For instance, tell them if you get a good grade (or even a poor one!) in some subject or if your history teacher said something that day that you found really interesting. If you have written an essay you are especially proud of, why not photocopy it and send it on? Or, if you’ve been somewhere new, why not mail a picture postcard? Drawings are good – especially if you’re not good at (or don’t enjoy) writing letters. As you know, parents really love it when their kids make drawings that they can pin on a wall or fix on the refrigerator door. Sending photos is another good way of keeping in contact and letting your dad or mom know where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to recently: partying with friends, skateboarding, riding your bike, whatever… And don’t forget to send a school photo if you have one! If you have a computer, e-mail is an easy way to keep in touch and it’s so fast that it’s almost like talking face to face. Better still, it costs less than a phone call. But the telephone is still a good option: you can agree on a day or time of the day to call one another.

- 48 -

WHAT IF WE ALL LIVE TOO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER?

Another good idea is to take along some of your class books and notes when you next visit with your dad or mom, to show them what you are working on in school. And don’t forget that all this can work both ways: there is nothing to stop your dad or mom from writing, phoning, or e-mailing you, or meeting with your teachers to talk about how you are getting on in school.

- 49 -

- CHAPTER 6 -

Things aren’t easy for me right now!

When parents divorce, children understandably feel uneasy. They love both parents and don’t wish to hurt or offend either of them. Questions come thick and fast: “Can I still love my dad if he hasn’t been nice to Mom?” “Will they still love me, even when I’m angry with them?” “Can I tell one parent what a good time I had with the other?” In short, children often don’t know how to behave. They feel lonely and confused, and may even end up blaming one parent or the other simply because things are not as they once were.

Alice (10) What are my friends going to say? I don’t want them to know my parents have separated. I’ll be so embarrassed, because I’m the only one in the class this has happened to. I know you may not want to talk about it, but who says you have to talk about something if you don’t want to? - 51 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

On the other hand, there’s absolutely no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed! Divorce is something that happens between adults and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t forget, it sometimes takes more courage for parents to divorce when they discover they no longer love one another than to stay married and simply pretend, just because it’s easier and more convenient that way for all sorts of reasons. But what really surprises me is that you say you’re the only one in your class whose parents are divorced. I suspect there are others just like you who may also be too embarrassed to say anything. Try listening a bit more attentively and you’ll soon discover whose parents are also separated or divorced. Notice especially if one of your classmates says something like “Sorry I can’t come to your birthday party, but I have to spend this weekend with my dad” instead of simply saying she can’t come! Just listen carefully, and talk to each other – it really helps!

Nicholas (9) I’m not going to say anything because I don’t want to upset my mom. Naturally, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. But it may help you to know that adults are usually better than children when it comes to coping with sad things. Simply try to tell your mom how you feel without upsetting her too much. - 52 -

THINGS AREN’T EASY FOR ME RIGHT NOW!

I’m sad that I see so little of my dad, but I don’t want to say anything to my mom, because I’m afraid it might upset her. Why do you feel that might upset her? She knows that you and she feel differently about this. She may not want to see your dad but, if you want to, she’ll understand.

Maybe, but I don’t want to go off to my dad’s and leave her alone at home. Why ever not? Are you afraid she’ll be bored or feel left out? Isn’t it possible she might enjoy spending some time on her own? That she may need to? To relax, go shopping, see some of her friends, or simply go for a walk? Besides, if she knows how much you want to visit with your dad, she may be happy for you to do just that

Peter (9) I can’t concentrate in class or pay attention to the teacher and I’m not sleeping well. That’s not surprising, given all the changes you’ve had to put up with. It takes time to put all the pieces of your life together again.

- 53 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

But I feel really on edge at the moment – my aunt says I’m wound up tight as a spring, and my friend Julian calls me hypersensitive. They get on my nerves, both of them! You probably feel angry and you need to direct that anger at someone. Right now, you’re angry at your parents, but you don’t know how to show it. That’s why your anger is directed elsewhere – towards a friend, or your teacher, or even your dog! In fact, you can become so angry that you start to believe that everyone is against you. Either that, or you’re always in a bad mood. You’re off your food and your friend Julian’s jokes – which always made you laugh – fall completely flat these days. Or else you make fun of everything, shrug off good grades and bad, ignore what your teachers have to say… That’s all quite common although it is obviously not pleasant. But feeling bored, angry, sad, or being in a foul mood is normal because you’re living through something you never expected and certainly didn’t want to happen. At times, you will also feel very angry with both your parents or perhaps with only one of them, believing that he or she is the one who caused the divorce, and you’ll think that you hate him or her for that reason. But it’s a terrible thing to hate your dad or mom and, in the long run, you’ll only end up hating yourself.

- 54 -

THINGS AREN’T EASY FOR ME RIGHT NOW!

Samuel (11) Why is it that, at my dad’s, I have to go to bed at 8:30, but I’m allowed to stay up until 9:30 when I’m at my mom’s place? My dad wouldn’t even discuss it with me last night; he simply sent me off to bed. I don’t get it: surely I’m the same age in both places? It really bugs me! I prefer being with my mom and I love her more! It makes a difference whether it’s the weekend or you have school the next day, don’t you think? You could try to discuss this with your dad. Ask him why he decided on 8:30 and see if he is prepared to change his mind. It seems to me that you suddenly prefer the parent who does what you want! You are going to have to learn a different set of rules at your dad’s and your mom’s because life has changed for all three of you. I think what you’re trying is some kind of blackmail, playing one parent off against the other. That’s never a very good idea – and I’m sure that, deep down, that’s not really what you want to do, is it?

With all these changes going on, I have a tough time remembering what’s normal and what’s not! I never used to put out the garbage or help clear the table after dinner, but I was scolded the other day because I’d forgotten to do either! It might help at first if you wrote out your chores on a blackboard in the kitchen or in your room in the same way that you might make a note of your schoolwork - 55 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

for the next day. You’ll get used to things little by little. The most important thing to remember is that each of your parents is still there for you and determined to look out for your best interests at all times and in every sense.

Lisa (9) Mom says she is going to change her name. Does that mean I’ll have to change mine too? No, you can keep your surname if it is your dad’s name. If your mom wants to, she can also continue to use your dad’s surname.

But if I don’t keep the same surname as my mom, will that mean we are no longer a family? You are asking this because you think of a family as a dad, a mom and children all with the same surname living together under one roof. But that is not always how things work: there are some families where the dad and the mom have different surnames and where the children are known either by the dad’s surname or the mom’s or even by both! Your mom, you and your brother make a “family”; and so do your dad, your brother, and yourself. Being a family means more than simply having the same surname!

- 56 -

THINGS AREN’T EASY FOR ME RIGHT NOW!

Elsa (10) I think my mom went too far. She was always so busy with her work, and she used to blow her top at every little thing my dad said. I think she could have made more of an effort. If she had, then none of this might ever have happened! It’s never easy for a child, even an older child or a teenager, to understand what goes on between two adults. All you see is the outcome, not what led up to it. In this instance, how can you ever know for sure whether or not your mom “made an effort”, as you put it, or whether circumstances were such that she had to work so hard?

Maybe you’re right, but I still hate it and I find it hard to forgive her. It seems to me I’ll always be stuck in the middle. I might want to be with my mom but when I am, I’ll really miss my dad, and when I’m with him, I’ll miss her! That you resent the situation is understandable. But, at the same time, you should ask yourself what it would have been like if they had stayed together. In that case, you would have been unhappy too, because living with parents who no longer love one another or who quarrel all the time is never much fun. You may not like how things are at the moment, but that feeling will hurt less as time goes on.

- 57 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

The way I feel right now, I don’t want to stay with my mom. Do you think I could ask the judge to arrange that? The real question to ask yourself is why. You must try to get to the bottom of it, talk it through, and get it all out into the open. Once you do, your feelings may change completely. Look at it this way: you may be sad or angry right now, but avoiding your mom or your dad won’t help matters in the long run. And, as for having a word with the judge, I have to say that a judge will hardly ever grant that sort of request unless it’s an exceptional case, where there’s abuse, perhaps, or neglect.

Then what do I have to do to feel better? That’s one of the toughest questions of all! We’re all different and we all have different ways of dealing with how we feel. But, let’s try to answer it. Talking is always good. Try to find someone you feel comfortable with. Initially, of course, you can try talking to your dad or your mom. If that doesn’t work out, then try talking to someone you trust instead, someone who’ll listen without taking sides with one parent or the other. It could be a family member such as an uncle or an aunt or a grandparent. It might be a favorite teacher or a friend of your parents you know well and like, or maybe your best friend’s mom. One of your friends whose parents have also separated

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THINGS AREN’T EASY FOR ME RIGHT NOW!

might help, but remember that no two divorces are alike. You could talk to a school nurse or a social worker; or, if your parents agree, you could even see a child psychiatrist in private practice. What you should also know is that worrying or feeling angry about things can affect you physically: you may start suffering from headaches at school, or have trouble sleeping, or not feel like eating. You need to find someone you can talk things over with. Other things can also help, like playing with a pet, listening to your favorite music, or drawing, or writing down how you feel.

- 59 -

- CHAPTER 7 -

What will happen next?

Once a couple has effectively managed to put divorce behind them, they are each at liberty to form a relationship with someone else. Indeed, this may well have been one of the reasons behind the divorce in the first place. Obviously, the arrival on the scene of “someone new” can spawn a whole fresh set of problems. This is especially true if the newcomer is also a parent, in which case there will be other “brothers and sisters” – with all the potential jealousies and complications that implies. As a result, parents must prepare themselves to respond to all kinds of questions thrown up by such restructured families. Sometimes, the “new” parent will be rejected and all manner of difficulties may arise as a result of “new” siblings. Parents have to be ready for this, but they should always remember that not being able to handle the situation alone is not a sign of failure as a parent.

- 60 -

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

Anthony (11) If one of my parents meets somebody else, won’t that mean they’ll be going out all the time and leaving me at home on my own? Do you really believe that’s what would happen? Besides, did your parents never go out on their own when they were married?

Sometimes, but I always knew where they were going and where they’d be and I could always talk to them on the phone, even when there was a babysitter! Why should things be any different now? Could it be that you’re a bit angry at the prospect of no longer being the center of attention?

I suppose so, but it bothers me a little that things are happening without me: it’s my life too! Exactly! But don’t you think that perhaps they have to think about their lives as well? And, if they do decide to stay with someone else, sooner or later it will be your life as well.

- 61 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Flora, Mom

Dad, Philip

- 62 -

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

My dad went to live with someone called Florence, and she has a daughter my age. I don’t mind much, because I don’t have a sister, but it does annoy me just a little. Perhaps you’re a little jealous because your dad will be caring for her even when you’re not around. But never forget: you are his son and that will always be true, even though your parents are separated. I can see how you might be a little annoyed, but the best advice I can give you is to have a chat with him about it to try to put your mind at rest. As for Florence’s daughter, why not make friends with her? Remember: she’s going through a divorce exactly the same way as you are, and chances are you’ll have a lot in common to talk about!

Matthew (10) Mom’s friend has a little boy who’s younger than I am. He’s here at our place a lot, but I don’t want to share my room with him or let him play with my toys. Don’t forget that it can’t be easy for him either, not seeing his own dad more often. Maybe you’ll both have cause to be jealous! Him, because his dad spends every day with you, and you, because your mom will spend time taking care of him. You’ll both have to learn to share a lot, and that’s never easy when you aren’t used to it. The two of you should just talk about it together: try to figure out how to rearrange your room so that each of you has his own space. Maybe - 63 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

you can even play with one another’s toys. Why not try it for a while and see how things work out?

But I don’t like Mom’s new boyfriend! No one can ever force you to like someone. It’s entirely up to you. One thing is sure, your mom likes him – otherwise why would they have decided to live together? You may not be obliged to like him, but you are obliged to show him some respect, if only as an adult your mom trusts. Things may change over time.

He’s too bossy. Who does he think he is, ordering me about like that? Clearly, you have to get to know one another better. He doesn’t know enough about you, your likes and dislikes, your attitude to life. He needs time, and so do you. After all, he’s your mom’s choice and it’s up to you to make some kind of effort. He may have his faults but, chances are, he’ll also have some good points. It’ll take time for you both to get along with one another. As for being bossy and giving you “orders”, it all depends on what kind of “orders”. If you don’t think they’re fair, then tell him or, if you don’t like the way he talks to you, try to discuss it both with him and with your mom.

- 64 -

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

But he isn’t my dad! Who ever said he was or even wanted to be? Remember that you are not obliged to like him, only to show him respect. Getting used to one another always takes time and both of you have to get your bearings. Remember, too, that your dad may be pleased to know that you’re having a good relationship with the man who’s now living with your mom.

Peter (7) What happens if both my parents get married again? Then you’ll have a stepdad and a stepmom. Neither will replace your own dad and mom but, instead, they’ll be people who’ll be there to take care of you, to teach you things, and help you enjoy life. You never know, it could be great fun!

What do I call Mom’s new husband? That’s really up to you. You can call him by his first name or by a nickname. Some children – particularly those that are still very young or don’t see their own parent very often – are perfectly happy to call a “new parent” “Dad” or “Mom”, but there are no hard and fast rules as far as this is concerned!

- 65 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

What happens if they have children? My mom got divorced to go live with Philip. He’s nice and I like him. He has no kids but, the other day, I overheard him and Mom talking about having a baby. I don’t want there to be a new baby! It’s maybe a little early to start thinking about that! But, as you probably know, when adults love one another, they frequently want to have children together. Perhaps it scares you to think you’d no longer be your mom’s only child and that you’d have to share her with someone new?

Yes, and besides, Philip would be his dad and not mine! You seem to be afraid Philip does not love you enough, but there’s no reason to think that way. Besides, you already have a dad who loves you. Philip is your stepdad and he’s there to look after your mom and to look after you and any other children he and your mom may one day have. I know how difficult it can sometimes get when one of your parents is involved with someone new. There’s often a fear that your other parent will be very angry or very sad, and that it would somehow be disloyal to like the “newcomer” too much. There can even be a feeling that you should do everything you can to make his or her life truly unbearable! If at all

- 66 -

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

possible, just discuss the situation with everyone involved. It’s not easy for any of you but, as I‘ve said over and over again, talking always helps.

- 67 -

- CHAPTER 8 -

Common mistakes and complications

When all is said and done, parents are only human, and it is only natural that separation or divorce should cause them to feel insecure, worried or stressed. It should come as no surprise that some are perhaps less focused than usual, or are guilty of making mistakes when they are dealing with their children. Arguably the most common parental error is to use a child as a “spy” and to subject him or her to all sorts of questions. This is understandable to the extent that the child has typically spent the weekend with one parent and the other is anxious to be reassured that everything went well. That said, it is never appropriate for one parent to take advantage of the situation and to say or imply something negative about the other. Money is a recurrent theme in this respect, particularly if the issue of alimony proved contentious during the divorce process. Typically, one parent may ask the child if the other parent has bought anything new, or - 69 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

even if he or she spent a lot of money over the weekend. Another thorny issue is – predictably – that of the other parent’s “love life”. This seems especially true where one of the parents concerned was opposed to separating in the first place. Typical questions might relate to whether Dad’s “lady friend” dropped by in the course of the weekend, or whether Mom is still “seeing” a certain male friend. Banal as questions such as these may appear, they are far from “harmless” from a child’s perspective. Indeed, these are questions no responsible parent should ever ask, however curious he or she may be to discover the answers. Parents should never forget that they have now separated or divorced and, as a result, have neither cause nor entitlement to interfere in one another’s affairs.

Michael (13) My dad calls me every day to ask what I had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or whether I was left on my own in the house the previous evening. Your dad obviously worries about you and is looking for reassurance that everything is okay with you, despite the fact that he can surely see for himself when you visit with him.

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COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

It’s all so complicated. I don’t know what to say. If anyone dropped by, for instance, or if I went to the movies with Mom and her boyfriend. If you feel like telling your dad what you have been doing, then do so! But that’s not the same as telling him what your mom has been doing! When parents really don’t get on at all, they often start asking strange questions, checking to see if you’re getting enough to eat, or dressing warmly, or going to bed at the proper time.

That’s exactly the kind of thing my dad keeps asking me! What am I supposed to tell him? That’s tricky. His questions seem quite harmless, after all, and it’s difficult to see a reason not to reply, all the more so since that would clearly please him. On the other hand, every time a question comes up and you have the feeling you are somehow being “used”, you can simply reply with a phrase like: “I’d rather you asked Mom that instead of me.” If you find that a particular question makes you feel uncomfortable, then always remember that you don’t have to answer it; just try to talk about something else.

- 71 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Lydia (10) Mom keeps asking me to pass a message to Dad. What should I do? Parents sometimes use a child as a “go-between”: a kind of messenger who passes information from one parent to the other. While some messages are harmless, others can cause problems. Tell me, what kind of messages does your mom want you to pass on?

For instance, that she wants to change the time or the day Dad comes to pick me up. She may have her reasons – perhaps because she is busy that day or has to go somewhere and is not sure if she can get back exactly on time. On the other hand, any change in the arrangements may not suit your dad. In that case, it must be up to your parents to get together, talk things through and come up with a solution. Otherwise, if you have to tell your dad, he’ll probably come up with a reply, which you’ll then have to take back to your mom. Then, if she doesn’t agree, you’ll have to go back once more and tell your dad. You see the problem? This puts you in what we grown-ups call a “no-win” situation!

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COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

Sometimes, she asks me to talk to him about money. What do I do then? Once again, if she asks you to tell your dad he’s late with that month’s alimony check, or that she needs a little extra one month – perhaps she has to buy you something new – that is something for your parents to sort out between them, without bringing you into it.

Is there anything I can do? Yes. You can try to tell them that they have to sort things out without using you as a go-between. Obviously, that may be easier said than done, but it’s always important that you try to discuss things. As for your parents, it’s up to them to reach agreement on all these issues. If they don’t seem willing to listen to what you have to say, try asking someone you trust to have a word with them.

Dad sometimes tells me how unhappy he is…and Mom sometimes tells me the same thing! Parents sometimes put too much pressure on their children by confiding their feelings and problems. It is only natural to be concerned if your dad and mom say they are unhappy, but there’s not all that much you can do about it, except maybe to be careful to avoid making matters worse. Never forget that children are

- 73 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

not there to take care of grown-ups – it’s the other way around! Besides, you can always say that you can’t take sides with either of them: they have to fend for themselves and keep you well out of it.

Tony (8) My dad didn’t want a divorce… It was Mom who left! Are you angry with your mom? Sometimes only one parent wants a separation or divorce, but, if he or she does, it means they are no longer happy being married. In this case, it’s your dad who appears to be unhappy. But you should realize that there is next to nothing you can do about it. Perhaps you need to understand that there may be a lot of things he isn’t taking into account, and that you can’t know about, which led to your mom wanting to leave. Once again, this is grown-up business. Let them get on with it without involving you. In fact, why don’t you simply tell them that?

Okay, but you don’t seem to understand how upset Dad is. He tells me all the time how much better it was before all this happened. Sometimes, he asks Mom if she’d like to go out with the two of us, but she never seems to want to! Is that what you would like?

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COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

Messages children should never be asked to carry Children should never be asked to deliver messages that: u

may cause grief or distress or give rise to arguments

u

require a prompt response (first because it can never be certain that the child will convey the message accurately and, second, because the response must wait for the next time parent and child meet)

u

criticize third parties

u

relate to the personal life of either parent

u

concern changes in the dates or times of scheduled visits with one parent or the other

u

in any way upset the child and which he or she simply does not wish to transmit

u

concern money and financial matters generally.

When parents are annoyed with one another, one may sometimes “punish” the other by behaving inappropriately and not in the best interests of the children. More often than not, this happens when one of them did not want a separation or divorce in the first place. Typically, the problem may be manifested by a failure to respect the scheduled time or day of visits, or by a delay in alimony payments. In the longer term, of course, it is the children who pay!

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Yes. So why doesn’t Mom think about me for a change? And another thing: I don’t want to sleep over at Dad’s unless she comes too! It seems to me that what you’d really like is for nothing at all to change and everything to have stayed just the way it was. If your dad didn’t want a divorce, he may be trying to get your mom to come back. As for you, you’re also trying to make that happen, because you love him so much. But what you’re both forgetting is that your mom has left and that she did so because things weren’t working out for her. Don’t you see it’s not fair to expect her to pretend that the three of you are back together again? Once things have moved on a bit, and you’ve all come to accept the new situation, maybe you can spend a little more time all together.

Cornelia (11) Since the divorce, I hardly ever see my dad! I can’t comment on that without knowing more. How come you hardly ever see him? Is it because he’s moved away? Has he disappeared? Is it because your mom isn’t keen on your seeing too much of him? Or perhaps the court ruled you shouldn’t see him?

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COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

We don’t know where he lives now. Mom says he sometimes calls to say he’d like to come and see me for a visit, but then he seems to forget and never shows. That must be very hard for you, but it’s up to your mom to see what she can do about the situation. Nothing can force your dad to come and see you. Next time he telephones maybe your mom could put you on the line, or she could ask him to call again and ask for you. There’s no way to know what will work: in some situations, parents find it difficult to act the way a parent should. That may be tough on their kids but, sadly, that’s life! Besides, who knows what has happened? Perhaps your dad is going through a rough patch at the moment, or maybe he’s had to leave on an extended trip, or perhaps he’s ill or something. You never can tell. All you can do is try your best to find out as much as you can and, for the time being at least, simply accept not being able to see him as often as you’d like. You should always remember that, even if you don’t get to see him very often, he will be your dad all your life! Nothing can change that!

What if it’s my mom who doesn’t want me to see him? It’s not up to your mom to take that kind of decision all on her own. The judge is the only person who may decide you’re not to see your dad – and there have to be very powerful reasons for a judge to do that! - 77 -

GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Stephanie (12) My mom’s new friend isn’t nice to me! If, as you say, he isn’t nice to you, then you must tell your mom and explain to her clearly why you think that is the case. There is no real reason why he should behave like this and, if he carries on doing so, I suggest you discuss the problem with a school counselor or someone similar. It could be that he simply isn’t accustomed to dealing with children and that he doesn’t know how best to act. Have you considered the possibility that it may be up to you to show him the ropes?

Mary (10) My dad has left us to move in with another man. I suppose you expect me to say what I feel about that, but I suspect it’s much more important to ask yourself how you feel about it. What grown-ups do with their relationships is nobody’s business but their own. What matters in the end is that your dad and mom continue to love you as much as they ever did and that their new partners also get along well with you. If things become rather too complicated for you to understand – and if neither your dad nor your mom can help explain what is going on – then you need to find someone else to talk to – needless to say, someone you like and trust. - 78 -

COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

You also tell me that your mom wants you to live with her and only see your dad at weekends? Do you have a problem with that?

Sort of, I guess. The thing is, Dad doesn’t agree and wants me every other week. That’s one week with him and one week with her. The problem is that Mom thinks he won’t be able to look after me properly or help me with my school assignments. I think she’s right and there’s something else: he’s so strict and he’s on my case all the time! You’re free to prefer to live with one parent rather than the other, but, to me, it doesn’t seem such a good idea simply to repeat what your mom says about your dad. In any case, you shouldn’t have to justify your desire to live with your mom in terms of what you don’t like about your dad! Grown-ups may disagree on how the interests of their children are best served, but kids don’t necessarily have to share their parents’ point of view. You can love both parents equally and still prefer to live with one rather than the other, and you have every right to say as much. Children should not have to face this sort of problem, and that is why, when the parents can’t agree, it is left up to a judge to decide.

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Dad has said he wants me to go abroad with him on my next vacation, but now my mom doesn’t want me to go – she says she’s afraid he won’t bring me back, and I don’t think I want to go, after all. This is really a legal area, so if there is a dispute it will usually have to be settled in court by a judge. But the real question here is something else entirely, namely why your mom should be so afraid that he might not bring you back. If, as seems the case, your parents no longer trust one another to that degree, perhaps it would be best to seek outside advice to ensure no harm can come to you.

Sammy (9) I was supposed to visit with my brother and my little sister during school vacation, but they live very far away and my dad didn’t want to get me a passport. As a result, I never got to see them! I don’t understand why your dad refused to get you a passport, but he may have had a good reason or reasons. Can you think of one?

No! And neither can Mom! She says he did it simply to annoy her! One thing is for sure: it certainly seems to have annoyed both of you! Beyond that, I don’t really - 80 -

COMMON MISTAKES AND COMPLICATIONS

know what to say. It seems to me that your parents have trouble communicating and, worse, they don’t realize how much that is hurting you. If your dad had a valid reason for refusing to let you go, it’s difficult to understand why he didn’t tell you why or, at least, explain things to your mom. They really should make an effort to talk to one another!

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- CHAPTER 9 -

Things are better now!

Some time ago, Helen’s parents brought her to see me because they were concerned about how their recent divorce might have affected her. Helen herself found this rather strange: I think it’s sort of weird that Mom and Dad keep asking if I’m feeling okay, or if I’m sad, or if I’m sleeping alright. It’s as if what’s happened is some kind of tragedy. Fact is, I feel great and I don’t understand why everyone seems so surprised! Helen’s reaction is by no means exceptional. Her attitude may serve as a reminder to parents that separation and divorce are not necessarily always problematic and that their decision to part company can prove to be the best thing for all concerned.

Richard (9) My parents used to argue all the time and they used to keep asking me which of them was right. Things have calmed down a lot now I can see my dad on his own and my mom on her

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

own. There’s none of the shouting there was before. What’s more, my grades have improved! In other words, everything is okay now?

No, not really. I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t like feeling okay when I know that maybe I shouldn’t! That’s your business and nobody else’s! If you feel better, then that’s all there is to it! Why should you feel guilty about not feeling sad? I think you should tell your parents how you feel – that would reassure them.

And another thing is that I now have two of everything – two homes, two rooms, two Christmases, two birthdays. It’s not such a bad idea to look at things that way! Perhaps you can think of other advantages?

After my parents divorced, my mom started seeing someone else. I didn’t like him much at first, but it’s better now. And it’s better still because Mom is no longer on my case all the time! It’s as if she trusts me more than before and accepts that I’m no longer a baby! That should make both your lives that much easier and that’s certainly not a bad thing, is it? It could even be that your life has improved!

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- AP P E N D I X 1 -

A checklist for children

·

It is parents who separate, not children; and separation is not your fault.

·

Parents separate because they feel they can no longer live together.

·

Nobody can force two grown-ups to live together, not even for the sake of their children. If one no longer loves the other or even if only one of them wants a separation, then that is what will happen.

·

It’s better to have parents who are not always arguing.

·

Your parents will always remain your parents.

·

No one can force you to choose one parent over the other and you should never have to.

·

If your parents can’t agree, they can appeal to a judge or mediator.

·

You can always see the parent you don’t live with full-time (unless the court expressly forbids it).

·

It’s quite normal to miss a parent you don’t see every day.

·

You have a right to be angry or sad.

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

·

It’s normal to find changes in your life difficult to accept.

·

It’s normal to think it strange having to “visit” your mom or dad.

·

You have every right to remain in contact with your whole family.

·

Parents sometimes make mistakes; tell them if you don’t agree with what they say or do.

·

One day, sooner or later, your parents will probably each meet someone new and may even start a new family with that person.

·

Never bottle things up inside! If you feel bad about something or don’t understand something because it seems too complicated, don’t keep it to yourself.

·

If you have a problem, it’s important to find someone to talk to – a parent, a grandparent, another member of your family, or the parent of one of your friends.

·

You may even want to talk over what you have read here with the person who gave you this book to read. Perhaps there are some things in it you find surprising or think don’t apply to you. Remember: all these questions come from real children. The advice given is yours to follow or reject, so you can take it or leave it!

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- AP P E N D I X 2 -

Parental behavior and the law

Separation and divorce are adult matters which, as we have clearly seen, also impact on children. To help both adults and children through what will almost inevitably prove a difficult time, it seems useful and important to distinguish between questions that relate specifically to adults and those that are of more direct concern to children. Children have many questions, among them some they often choose to keep to themselves. As adults, it is up to us to put our own concerns on hold in order to help children ask those questions. Moreover, it is essential not to complicate matters by introducing issues of specific concern to parents. There are, of course, legal provisions in all jurisdictions for marriage break-up and the resulting settlement involving children. A full statement of the law is beyond the scope of this book, but a good starting point is the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, which is the basis for international law. Adopted by the United Nations in November 1989, the charter spells out the basic rights to which children everywhere are entitled. Of particular relevance in the present context are the following articles.

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

Article 1 defines a child as being below the age of eighteen years unless maturity is deemed to have been attained earlier under the applicable national law. Article 9 (1) provides that a child shall not be separated from his or her parents against his or her will, other than when a competent authority determines that such separation is necessary in the best interests of the child (e.g., in the event of abuse or neglect). Article 9 (2) provides that, in any proceedings pursuant to Article 9 (1) above, all interested parties shall be given an opportunity to participate in the proceedings and make their views known. Articles 9 (3) and 9 (4) go on to provide that a child who is separated from one or both parents has the right to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child’s best interests. Where such separation results from detention, imprisonment, exile or deportation of one or both parents, the child shall be entitled to access essential information concerning the whereabouts of the absent member(s) of the family unless the provision of that information would be detrimental to the child’s well-being. Article 12 provides that a child who is capable of forming his or her own views, has the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting himself or herself, and that those views are given “due weight” in accordance with the child’s age and maturity. Article 13 confers on a child the right to freedom of expression subject to certain restrictions, such as respect for the rights or - 88 -

PARENTAL BEHAVIOR AND THE LAW

reputations of others, or for the protection of national security, or to uphold public order, public health, or morals. Finally, Article 18 requires that both parents assume common responsibility for the upbringing and development of a child. (Source: United Nations (1989) Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC). Geneva: UNICEF.)

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- AP P E N D I X 3 -

Useful websites

The following section offers a range of official websites offering information and advice around the English-speaking world. They are divided into those offering information on the law pertaining to divorce, and those concerning professional bodies that might be approached, for advice on family matters in general, but particularly relating to the care of children. There are many sites available in each country, but these offer a starting point for gathering information in your jurisdiction.

United States: Details of the law www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/states.shtml This page gives digests of the laws pertaining to each of the American States in readable form. The site also gives general advice on divorce. www.law.cornell.edu/wex/index.php/Divorce; www.law.cornell.edu/topics/Table_Divorce.htm This site is managed by Cornell University and is supported by donations. The first page leads to general digests of divorce law in the United States. The second page offers links to divorce laws in each individual state.

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USEFUL WEBSITES

www.divorcenet.com This is one of a number of commercially based sites through which legal advice can be obtained, and simple divorce services are offered, but, like others, it also offers state-by-state information on the law.

Professional and general advice www.abanet.org/family; www.abanet.org/child The American Bar Association site offers sources of information, though primarily aimed at professionals. www.aaml.org The site for the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, with general advice offered as well as members services. http://family.findlaw.com This site offers gateways to legal advice across the United States. www.parentingcenter.com/federaldivorceandmarriage.html There are links to all sorts of information for parents, but particularly relating to divorce, separation, and custody. www.divorcelinks.com Offers useful links to a wide range of information, particularly relating to custodial issues.

United Kingdom Details of the law www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/FamilyIssuesAndTheLaw/ DG_4002967

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GREAT ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

This page contains government advice, including many links to other helpful sites; it enables you to download government leaflets and information. www.lawontheweb.co.uk/intro.htm A site dedicated to free legal information, but also linking to legal professionals.

Professional and general advice www.jrf.org.uk/knowledge/findings/foundations/314.asp “Together and apart: Children and parents experiencing separation and divorce.” A summary of research supported by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. www.cafcass.gov.uk A government based body that looks after the legal interests of children, and will help in their representation in family courts if necessary, as well as being a campaigning body for children’s rights in general. www.itsnotyourfault.org A website devoted to giving advice for parents and children during a family break-up. www.thedivorcebureau.co.uk A website directing the browser to specialist legal advice on divorce. www.adrnow.org.uk/go/SubSection_4.html ADRnow is a charitable organization that puts people undergoing divorce or separation in touch with conciliation or arbitration services.

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USEFUL WEBSITES

Australia Details of the law www.australia.gov.au/Family_Law This government site provides a wide range of links to other sources of government information relating to family law. www.familylawcourts.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/FLC/ Home/Separation+and+Divorce Site offering advice on the law as it applies in Australia.

Professional and general advice www.csa.gov.au A government site offering advice on dealing with child support following divorce or separation. www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/bibs/bib.html This offers large bibliographies relating to family matters, and there is a section on child support post separation.

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