Ideas for Parents 2.0: 52 Weekly Newsletters in Easy-to-use, Customizable PDF Format

2 .0 52 Weekly Newsletters in Easy-To-Use, Customizable PDF Format

A SEARCH INSTITUTE PUBLICATION

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e-Newsletters

Read This First This CD contains a printable and customizable PDF of all 52 newsletters, and a copy of Adobe® Acrobat® Reader. To use these files, you will need to have Acrobat Reader, Acrobat Standard, or Acrobat Pro installed on your computer.

How to customize the PDF files

Upon opening the pdf, the custom areas will be invisible as shown in example 1 below. The rules around the form field areas as shown below in example 2 do not print - this rule is invisible.

Each newsletter contains a 4 1/4” x 3/8” area above the logo on the first page and an 8 1/2” x 3 1/2” section for you to customize at the bottom of the second page. Depending on whether you are using Adobe® Acrobat Reader® or Adobe® Acrobat Pro®, and depending on which tool you have selected, this custom area may or may not be invisible when you open the pdf file. There are some navigational links within the files that appear as red type (Return to Contents) - there will not show when you print your newsletter. Below are instructions on how to use these customizable pdf files. Each of the pdf files on this CD contain a customizable area that you can type a custom message into. This defined custom area is invisible, and when the pdf file is printed, only the type that you put in that area will print. If you are using Adobe Acrobat Reader: 1. Open the pdf of the newsletter you wish to customize from the contents page (see link above). 2. Click on the Hand tool in the tool bar (see example 3). 3. Roll your cursor over the customizable area just above the title “Ideas for Parents” (see examples 1 and 2 for location of customizable areas). When you are within the customizable area, your cursor changes from a hand icon to an insert text icon. When you see your cursor change to the insert text icon, click, and then you can type your custom message. The font size, color, and alignment in the custom areas are not editable. 4. After you’ve finished typing your custom messages, print the pdf. 5. Close the pdf file. NOTE: Acrobat Reader cannot save changes to a pdf file, so any custom messages you have typed in will not be saved when you close the file. If you wish to save changes to pdf files, you need to use Adobe® Acrobat® Standard or Pro. Click here for information about Adobe® Acrobat® Products. If you are using Adobe Acrobat Standard or Pro: 1. Open the pdf of the newsletter you wish to customize from the contents page (see link above). 2. Click on the Hand tool in the tool bar (see example 3). 3. Roll your cursor over the customizable area just above the title “Ideas for Parents” (see examples 1 and 2 for location of customizable areas). When you are within the customizable area, your cursor changes from a hand icon to an insert text icon. When you see your cursor change to the insert text icon, click, and then you can type your custom message. The font size, color, and alignment in the custom areas are not editable. 4. After you’ve finished typing your custom messages, print the pdf. 5. Save changes to your customized pdf file by choosing FILE, then SAVE AS. Save the file to your hard drive. Close the pdf file.

Example 1: Customizable areas in the pdf file as they appear when pdf file is opened.

Example 2: Defined customizable areas in the pdf file. These boundary lines do not show or print.

Example 3: Select the Hand tool and click in the general area of a customizable area. The hand icon will turn into a text insert icon.

Example 4: Type your message and print the pdf. If you are using Acrobat Standard or Pro, you may save the pdf with your message in it.

Newsletters Click on the newsletter that you would like to customize.

Table of Contents

Users Guide—Introduction and Ideas Newsletter 1—Assets: 40 Keys to Effective Parenting Newsletter 2—Asset Category: Support Newsletter 3—Asset #1: Family Support Newsletter 4—Asset #2: Positive Family Communication Newsletter 5—Asset #3: Other Adult Relationships Newsletter 6—Asset #4: Caring Neighborhood Newsletter 7—Asset #5: Caring School Climate Newsletter 8—Asset #6: Parent Involvement in Schooling Newsletter 9—Asset Category: Empowerment Newsletter 10—Asset #7: Community Values Youth Newsletter 11—Asset #8: Youth as Resources Newsletter 12—Asset #9: Service to Others Newsletter 13—Asset #10: Safety Newsletter 14—Asset Category: Boundaries and Expectations Newsletter 15—Asset #11: Family Boundaries Newsletter 16—Asset #12: School Boundaries Newsletter 17—Asset #13: Neighborhood Boundaries Newsletter 18—Asset #14: Adult Role Models Newsletter 19—Asset #15: Positive Peer Influence Newsletter 20—Asset #16: High Expectations Newsletter 21—Asset Category: Constructive Use of Time Newsletter 22—Asset #17: Creative Activities Newsletter 23—Asset #18: Youth Programs Newsletter 24—Asset #19: Religious Community

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Newsletter 25—Asset #20: Time at Home Newsletter 26—Asset Category: Commitment to Learning Newsletter 27—Asset #21: Achievement Motivation Newsletter 28—Asset #22: School Engagement Newsletter 29—Asset #23: Homework Newsletter 30—Asset #24: Bonding to School Newsletter 31—Asset #25: Reading for Pleasure Newsletter 32—Asset Category: Positive Values Newsletter 33—Asset #26: Caring Newsletter 34—Asset #27: Equality and Social Justice Newsletter 35—Asset #28: Integrity Newsletter 36—Asset #29: Honesty Newsletter 37—Asset #30: Responsibility Newsletter 38—Asset #31: Restraint Newsletter 39—Asset Category: Social Competencies Newsletter 40—Asset #32: Planning and Decision Making Newsletter 41—Asset #33: Interpersonal Competence Newsletter 42—Asset #34: Cultural Competence Newsletter 43—Asset #35: Resistance Skills Newsletter 44—Asset #36: Peaceful Conflict Resolution Newsletter 45—Asset Category: Positive Identity Newsletter 46—Asset #37: Personal Power Newsletter 47—Asset #38: Self-Esteem Newsletter 48—Asset #39: Sense of Purpose Newsletter 49—Asset #40: Positive View of Personal Future Newsletter 50—External Assets Newsletter 51—Internal Assets Newsletter 52—Assets: The Power of Parenting

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Newsletters

Users Guide Introduction Why do some kids grow up with ease while others struggle? Search Institute researchers have identified specific, practical things that can have a tremendous and lasting positive impact on youth. Rather than focusing on problems, this research concentrates on Developmental Assets™—the positive things (such as parent support and commitment to learning) that help young people thrive. The assets are 40 values, experiences, and positive qualities that young people need to help them make wise decisions and choose positive lifestyles. The more of these assets they experience, the better. Ideas for Parents consists of 52 newsletters that give parents practical suggestions for building Developmental Assets for and with their children. Each two-page newsletter is easy to read, easy to understand, and easy to use. Each newsletter gives useful, effective tips for parents to build one of the 40 Developmental Assets in their children. Schools, communities, businesses, youth-serving organizations, family support programs, congregations, health-care providers, and others can use these newsletters to promote asset building, help parents build skills and ideas, and demonstrate their concern for families and children. The newsletters are intended for use by parents of children from birth to age 18.

Ideas for Distribution It’s important for the newsletters to get into the hands of parents and for parents to know how to get future copies. Try these ideas for distribution: • Mail the newsletter to parents along with other community education information. • Have the newsletter available beside other free information in high-traffic public areas. • Send the newsletter home with students to give to their parents on a regular basis during the school year. • Distribute newsletters to your community library to give to parents when they visit or check out books with their children. • Give newsletters to parents who attend parent education workshops, classes, or family events. • Have volunteers hand deliver the newsletters to neighbors with children.

Ideas for Funding Distributing a newsletter can be expensive. Here are ideas to help defray the costs: • Get a local printer to donate some or all of the printing. • Ask a local corporation or business to sponsor the newsletter. • Include the newsletter with other mailings to eliminate or reduce postage costs.

Ideas for Customizing

PRINTING TIPS • Make copies more appealing by using different color paper or even a differentco lor ink.Often a quick-print shop will have daily specials on certain colors of ink.Forexample ,you might be able to print in blue ink at the sam e price as black ink on a certain day. • Consider printing each newslet ter on a different color of paper for variety.Or,you maywantto choose one color to use for all 52 newsletters to help people recognize the news letters right away.

Each newsletter contains a 4 1/4” x 3/8” area above the logo on the first page and an 8 1/2” x 3 1/2” section for you to customize at the bottom of the second page. Use these areas to: • Highlight the sponsor of the newsletter. Include the name, address, and phone number so that parents know where to get more information and services. • Inform parents about parent education events in the organization and/or community. One school system sponsored a parent education series that paralleled each asset type and its associated newsletter. • List important phone numbers. Communities can include telephone numbers for emergencies (police, fire, medical, poison), city, schools, community education, child care, and other community resources. • Promote upcoming community events. If your community is hosting an ice cream social or family activity program, give the details in this space. Include what, when, where, and who to contact for more information. • Include discount coupons. You may want to ask a business to include a discount coupon. Or, have a coupon parents can clip to save money on a parent education class. Next page

Ideas for Parents Newsletters By Jolene L. Roehlkepartain Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute All rights reserved. Electronic version created 2005. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever, mechanical or electronic, without prior permission from the publisher except in brief quotations or summaries in articles or reviews. The purchasing organization has permission to reprint the newsletters for educational use only. (See the section on licensing and copyright below.) For additional permission, write to Permissions at Search Institute.

Licensing and Copyright Reproduction rights are limited to the purchasing individual or organization only. Artwork in the newsletters may not be reprinted for use in any context other than the newsletters. The newsletters may not be electronically posted to any Web site without prior permission. Violation of any of these conditions shall be considered a violation of the copyright laws of the United States. If you have questions or require additional copyright information, contact Search Institute Permissions Department at 800-888-7828. Permission is granted to excerpt up to 100 words from each newsletter for promotional or educational purposes, using the following attribution: Reprinted with permission from Ideas for Parents, Newsletter # (specify the number of the newsletter you’re quoting), ©1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute, Minneapolis, MN, 800-888-7828. All rights reserved. Contact Search Institute for relicensing information and fees.

Search

Practical research benefiting children and youth

I N S T I T U T E

615 First Avenue Northeast, Suite 125 Minneapolis, MN 55413 www.search-institute.org Telephone: 612-376-8955 Toll free: 800-888-7828 E-mail: [email protected] ISBN: 1-57482-873-8 Some parent quotes reprinted with permission by Family & Children’s Service from the Minnesota Family Strength Project. At the time of these newsletters’ publication, all facts and figures cited are the most current available; all telephone numbers, addresses, and Web site URLs are accurate and active; all publications, organizations, Web sites, and other resources exist as described in these newsletters; and all efforts have been made to verify them. The author and Search Institute make no warranty or guarantee concerning the information and materials given out by organizations or content found at Web sites, and we are not responsible for any changes that occur after these newsletters are published. If you find an error or believe that a resource listed here is not as described, please contact Client Services at Search Institute. We strongly urge you to monitor young people’s use of the Internet. Credits Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth (HC • HY) initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans. Lutheran Brotherhood, now Thrivent Financial for Lutherans, is the founding national sponsor for HC • HY. Editors: Jennifer Griffin-Wiesner, Rebecca Aldridge Design: Wendy J. Johnson, Points Of View Package design: Percolator Design Illustrations: Nancy Johansen-Wester A special thanks to Lee Skavanger, whose vision led to the development of this newsletter set, and to the Osseo (Minnesota) School District for piloting the newsletters. CD-ROM manufactured in the United States of America

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #1

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSETS: 40 Keys to Effective Parenting Assets are 40 key building blocks of development that help youth grow up healthy. The more assets youth have, the more likely they are to succeed.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year..

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Powerful Parenting: The Asset-Building Way

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t’s easy to get scared as a parent.

Watching the news, we see crime, drinking and driving, teen pregnancy, gang warfare, suicide. We wonder what’s going to happen to our children. In our fear, we may end up scaring our kids so that they live in fear as well. Or, we may look the other way, thinking that these things would never affect our families. Whatever the approach, most parents feel uncertain at times. We would like to know the secrets of healthy parenting in a world that often seems very unhealthy. The idea of “developmental assets,” introduced by Search Institute in Minneapolis, gives a new sense of hope and practical direction for parents. Researchers at Search

How to Start Search Institute has identified eight types of assets that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy: • Supporting and loving your child. • Empowering your child. • Setting clear and realistic boundaries and expectations. • Helping your child use her or his time in meaningful, constructive ways. • Encouraging your child to develop a lifetime commitment to learning. • Instilling in your child positive values. • Developing social competencies in your child. • Encouraging your child to form a positive identity. Each area involves several specific assets. See the “asset quiz” for a list of all 40.

Institute have identified 40 assets that have a powerful, positive impact on young people. Children and teenagers who have a lot of assets get involved in very few risky behaviors—the kinds of problems we worry about. And when young people have a lot of assets, they are much more likely to do the positive things we value. Assets do make a difference. By incorporating them into your parenting, you can help your child grow up happy, healthy, and responsible. Future issues of this newsletter will explain further and give practical information on each asset.

Quick Tip: Focus on the positive and your children will, too.

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Assets: How Does Your Child Rate?

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_____ 19. My child spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. _____ 20. My child is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week. _____ 1. My child receives a lot of love and support from family _____ 21. My child wants to do well in school. members. _____ 22. My child likes to learn new things. _____ 2. My child and I communicate positively, and my child is _____ 23. My child does at least one hour of homework every willing to seek me out for advice and support. school day. _____ 3. My child receives support from three or more non_____ 24. My child cares about her or his school. parent adults. _____ 25. My child reads for pleasure three or more hours per _____ 4. My child has neighbors that encourage and support her week. or him. _____ 26. My child places high value on helping other people. _____ 5. My child’s school provides a caring, encouraging _____ 27. My child wants to promote equality and reduce hunger environment. and poverty. _____ 6. I am actively involved in helping my child succeed in _____ 28. My child acts on convictions and stands up for her or his school. beliefs. _____ 7. My child feels that adults in the community value youth _____ 29. My child tells the truth even when it is not easy. and children. _____ 30. My child accepts and takes personal responsibility. _____ 8. My child is given useful roles in the community. _____ 31. My child believes it is important not to be sexually active _____ 9. My child serves in the community one hour or more per nor to use alcohol or other drugs. week. _____ 32. My child knows how to plan ahead and make choices. _____ 10. My child feels safe at home, at school, and in the _____ 33. My child is good at making and keeping friends. neighborhood. _____ 34. My child has knowledge of and comfort with people of _____ 11. Our family has clear rules and consequences, and different cultural, racial, and ethnic backgrounds. monitors our child’s whereabouts. _____ 35. My child can resist negative peer pressure and _____ 12. My child’s school provides clear rules and consequences. dangerous situations. _____ 13. Our neighbors take responsibility for monitoring my _____ 36. My child seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently. child’s behavior. _____ 37. My child feels he or she has control over things that _____ 14. I and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. happen to her or him. _____ 15. My child’s best friends model responsible behavior. _____ 38. My child feels good about her- or himself. _____ 16. I and my child’s teachers encourage my child to do well. _____ 39. My child believes that her or his life has a purpose. _____ 17. My child spends three or more hours per week in _____ 40. My child feels positive about her or his personal future. lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. _____ 18. My child spends three or more hours per week in sports, Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true.” Total up the clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the number of points. This is the number of assets you think your community. child has. Now ask your child how he or she would answer. ake this quiz to see how many assets you think your child has. Check each statement you feel is true.

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This checklist is an educational, awareness-raising tool. It is not intended nor appropriate as a scientific measurement of developmental assets of individuals.

“Like a dream catcher, assets are the supporting threads in a young person’s life that can keep away harm and invite goodness.”—Helping Kids Succeed—Alaskan Style This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #2

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Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Support The more love, support, caring, and adult contacts a child has, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Building Support African American Parents Say:* •“Praying together, eating, going out.” •“Eating meals [with teens], it’s a way to get out from teens what they might not tell you.”

*The Minnesota Family Strength Project Research Report 1997 and 1999.

Everyone Provides the Strength of Support

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ho are the people that really support you in your life?

These people are important champions. They cheer us on when things go well. They stick with us when life throws us a curve ball. They listen. They ask questions. They smile. They hug. They’re people we like to be around. What kind of a champion are you for your child? Are you a fair-weather supporter? A rain-or-shine supporter? What’s your unique way of supporting and loving your child? Your love and support for your child are critical. But you can’t go it alone. You need others. Your child needs others. How supported and cared for does your child feel by teachers, neighbors, coaches, grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents of their friends, youth workers, and mentors? These other key adults

are important players in helping your child jump over the hurdles in life. In fact, the more supportive adults your child has, the better. And by nurturing and loving all the children in our communities, we help them grow to be loving, caring people themselves.

Look to future newsletters for details on all six support assets!

6 Key Areas of Support

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earch Institute researchers have identified six specific assets in the support category that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check the

areas of strength in your child’s life: ❑ Family support—Family life provides high levels of love and support. ❑ Positive family communication—You and your child communicate positively, and your child is willing to seek you out for advice and counsel. ❑ Other adult relationships—Your child receives support from three or more nonparent adults.

❑ Caring neighborhood—Your child experiences caring neighbors. ❑ Caring school climate—School provides a caring, encouraging environment for your child. ❑ Parent involvement in schooling—You are actively involved in helping your child succeed in school.

Name Three

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Have each family member name three ways the family supports her or him.

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Support through the Years Age 0-1 2-3 4-5 6-10

Ways to Love and Support Your Child • • • • • • • • • •

• • 11-15 • • • 16-18 • • •

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Hold your baby and look at her or him during feedings. Respond to your baby’s needs. Rock your baby often. Cheer your child on as he or she masters new skills. Touch your child often. Hug. Cuddle. Stay positive when setting limits for your child. When you interact with your child, get down to her or his eye level. Share you child’s excitement about her or his interests. Find other caring adults to participate regularly in your child’s life. Answer your child’s questions. If you don’t know an answer, say so and work together to find it. When you and your child disagree, point out you still love her or him. Be silly with your child. Accept the identity your child is forming. Affirm independence and interdependence. At least sometimes, be available to listen. Continue to show affection for your teenager. Let your teen overhear you complimenting her or him to someone else. Seek your teen’s opinion or advice on a big decision.

More He lp for Pa rents W hat Kids

Need to Succ eed: Proven, Good Kids. T Practical Wa his book gives ys to Raise practical tips and with you for building a ng people. (Ava ssets for ilable from Se www.search-i arch Institute nstitute.org; 8 , 00-888-7828.)

Support for Parents Parents need support, too. Research shows that parents need the help of immediate and extended family, friends, and communities. So asking for help or advice is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it provides good ideas, encouragement, and reinforcement— all of which are needed to face the challenges of parenting that will come along the way.

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“It isn’t walls and furniture that make a home. It’s the family.” —Natalie Savage Carlson

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #3

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #1: Family Support Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when their families provide them with high levels of love and support.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Family support” is one of six support assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Love and Support: The Family Foundation ove and support. It sounds easy. We

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know we give it. Everyone does. Right? But giving your child consistent love and support can be tricky. How often does your child feel supported when you come home from an exhausting day and he or she wants to talk—but you want a break? When your child messes up, do you provide support rather than discipline? Young people know our body language. They listen to what we say—and don’t say. They notice when our words and our actions don’t match. Supporting and loving our children refer to the many ways we affirm, love, and accept them, both verbally and nonverbally. When we hug them or say “I love you,” the expression is obvious. Paying attention to them, listening to them, and taking an interest in what they’re doing are less obvious ways of giving support,

Helpful Hints Tips that make loving your child easier: • Loving touch means a lot. Hug. Put your arm around your child. Comb your child’s hair. • Use loving words. Try: “I care about you.” “I love you.” “I think you’re terrific.” “You’re great!” • Be loving in your interactions. Look your child in the eyes when you talk with her or him. • Tell your child when he or she does something that makes you feel loved and cared for.

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but they’re just as important. The next time you’re exhausted, say so. If you’re mad, be honest. If you don’t tell your child what you’re feeling, he or she will read one message from your body and hear the opposite. And children usually interpret inconsistent messages as meaning they have done something wrong. Be consistent. Be loving. Develop an openness so that your child always knows that you’re available and you’ll love her or him—no matter what.

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10 Creative Ways to Care 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

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Do something new together. Instead of a walk, go jogging—or skipping. Have a leaf fight. If possible, eat at least one meal a day together. Choose a book to read together as a family. Each day read 10 pages. Ask what your child’s highs and lows were for the day. Tell about your day. Every day show love through hugs, words, kisses, smiles. Frame your child’s artwork and hang it on the wall. Give your child space to think, to rest, to rejuvenate. Lie under the stars together and talk about whatever crosses your mind. When you’re feeling stressed, reassure your child that he or she isn’t the reason. Write “family care” resolutions. Then keep them.

s for Parent lp e H e r o M on how to build e video gives tips inut tive ways. g Good! This 10-m ild to act in posi ch ur Catch ’Em Bein yo e ag ur d how to enco stown.org; relationships an ww.girlsandboy w s, es Pr n w To ys (Available from Bo 800-282-6657.)

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Quick Tip: Hide an affirming n ote for your ch ild to find.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • If you were to write new messages to put on candy hearts, what would they say? • When have you felt most supported by our family? Least supported? • How can our family support each other more?

“The one thing children need most to grow up happy and secure is a close-knit, loving family.” —T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #4

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #2: Positive Family Communication Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they and their parents communicate positively, and they are willing to seek parents’ advice and counsel.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Positive family communication” is one of six support assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Open-Door Communication conversation starts. Your child’s upset. You’re tired. Pretty soon, the conversation heats into an argument. It ends when a door slams followed by silence. Arguments. We’ve all had them with our children. Sometimes it may feel like most conversations end with slammed doors. Though it can be challenging to develop the skills, being available for frequent, in-depth conversations is an important role we play in our children’s lives—from the time they learn to talk all the way into adulthood. What we have to do is create an atmosphere of communication—an open door. The trick with open-door communication is that we often don’t realize we create invisible closed doors around us. We get preoccupied and don’t pay enough attention. We’re exhausted, and we nod off as our child is in midsentence. We jump to conclusions before our child says things. We assume the worst. We criticize our kids for what they tell us, so

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Helpful Hints Tips that make it easier to communicate positively with your child: • Watch for hints: A child who hangs around usually wants to talk. • Don’t contradict what you say by doing the opposite. • Be available, be open, be willing to drop what you’re doing in order to talk. • Talk in the car when you’re side by side, rather than face to face.

they close the door the next time out of fear or resentment. Sometimes there is no communication to begin with, and it’s hard to get your child to say what’s going on in her or his life. Having an open door means having an open mind, an open attitude. It means listening to understand, not to advocate our position. It means being available when our children need us—and when they don’t. It means taking good care of ourselves so that when our children want to talk, we have open ears and an open heart.

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Three way s to impro ve commun with your ication child: Ask caring qu How did ba estions such as: nd practice go? How was the m ath talent show test? Was the fu Ask your c n? hild’s advic eo opinion abo ut an impo r r tant matter. If there is ap and you co roblem at work me home u pset, let your child know that y o not angry u are with her or him.

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5 Keys to Communication : k Tip Quic re than n mo Liste ou talk. y

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“W

hen we communicate, we are telling others who we are and we are asking others who

they are,” says Dr. Daniel G. Bagby, family counselor. He says there

are five characteristics of in-depth communication: 1. Reveal yourself—Honestly tell others your thoughts, ideas, goals, and feelings. 2. Jump in—Actively start conversations. Don’t wait for others to talk first. 3. Be responsible—Take control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. 4. Don’t blame—Take responsibility for your behavior without blaming or shaming others. 5. Be human—Share your weaknesses in addition to your strengths to develop trust and closeness.

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Talk Space Make it easy for your child to spend time talking with you. Keep an extra stool or chair in the kitchen, den, your home office, or workshop area. You’ll enjoy this time together.

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s for Parent lp e H e r o M ing a Beautiful Questions to discuss with your child: e Families: Build ctiv d Sandra s of Highly Effe it ab H n ve ephen R. Covey an St Se e by Th ld or W t n and in a Turbule its” to parenting ab “h s hi s Family Culture ie pl ap eir families. this book, Covey the strength of th Merrill Covey. In ild bu s nt re pa to help family-life issues den Books.) (Published by Gol

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• Whom do you enjoy talking with? Why? • What opens the door for communication in our family? What closes the door? • Which topics are easy to talk about in our family? Which are hard? Why?

“We share the same things in my family—sweat lodge, making tobacco offerings. Sharing these makes for good communication and makes the family strong.” —American Indian parent in the Minnesota Family Strength Project Research Report This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #5

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #3: Other Adult Relationships Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they receive support from three or more nonparent adults.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Other adult relationships” is one of six support assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

The Support of Others

T

hink back to your childhood.

Was there one adult you really enjoyed talking with? Maybe it was a grandparent, a club leader, an aunt, a coach, a neighbor, an older cousin, someone in your congregation, or your piano teacher. This person helped you sort through growing-up issues. Even if you can’t recall any specific conversations, you will remember the warm feelings brought by talking with that person. Young people need parents to talk to, but they also need other adults to bounce ideas off, to ask questions of, to laugh with, to help sort through sticky situations. Researchers have discovered that young people who have other caring adults to talk with are: • Less likely to do risky things, such as use alcohol or other drugs or be sexually active. • More likely to grow up successfully. Even children in abusive, financially stressed, chaotic, or otherwise difficult situations

Tell Them THANKS! With your child, identify all the adults who regularly interact with her or him. Include teachers, grandparents, club leaders, coaches, cooks, bus drivers, aunts, uncles, employers, school administrators, paraprofessionals, custodians, neighbors, other extended family, and the parents of friends. Jot a short note to each one, telling them how much you appreciate their care, their dedication, and their interest in your child.

have better futures if they find at least one caring adult outside the home. • Likely to think they can make a difference and that they matter. • Better able to succeed in school.

time to g ether Three way s to encou rag build relati onships wit e your child to h other ca adults: ring Help your child find an both trust who share adult you s a similar hobby or in te Play game rest with your child. sw where team ith other families s one family consist of adults of paired with children from anoth er Use letters family. , ph email to ke one calls, and ep relation ship with caring adults who s strong away. are far

1. 2. 3.

Next page

In Search of Other Adults

C

hildren can link up with other adults through programs and opportunities such as these:

• Neighborhood get-togethers • Religious programs • Music lessons • Sports leagues • Community recreation • Internships • Family reunions and gatherings • Parents’ friends

• Tutoring • Theater projects • Youth groups and programs • Cultural activity groups • Community bands, orchestras, and choirs • Camps • Mentoring • Service-learning programs in schools

Quick Tip: Help your child connect w ith three caring adu lts.

Swap Experiences Ask your child which adult he or she most enjoys being with and why. Then tell about a significant adult from your childhood. Explain what you gained from that relationship.

More Help for Parents

er. This book provides 50 Tag, You’re It! by Kathleen Kimball-Bak connect and build developmental commonsense ideas for any adult to by Search Institute, www.searchassets with young people. (Published institute.org; 800-888-7828.)

FiNaL WoRD

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • Which adult outside of our family would you like to get to know better? Why? • If you had a tough question that you didn’t want to discuss with me (us), who would you go to? • How can we show our appreciation to the significant adults in your life?

“I have always believed that I could help change the world because I have been lucky to have adults around me who did—in small and large ways.” —Marian Wright Edelman, author and president of the Children’s Defense Fund This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #6

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #4: Caring Neighborhood Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they experience caring neighbors.

40yo% uth

of d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Caring neighborhood” is one of six support assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Neighborhood Friends

T

en-year-old Susan Kennedy considered 80-year-old Mr. Boggs one of her best friends. He

was very fond of her, too, and he nicknamed her “Twirly Friend” because she liked to do “wheelies” on her bicycle in his driveway. Mr. Boggs taught Susan how to play checkers, and he once gave her a microscope. When Mr. Boggs became gravely ill and needed to be hospitalized, Susan mailed him something every day. Sometimes it was a poem. Sometimes she wrote a letter. Other times she drew a picture and sent it to him. After a month, Mr. Boggs was able to go home. Mr. Boggs told Susan: “You saved my life. No one else called or wrote, and your mailings gave me the courage to live. Thank you.” Unlike Susan, many young people don’t know their neighbors. They’re scared of their neighbors, and many times, the neighbors are frightened by them. It’s true, some neighborhoods are safer than others, but too many people don’t reach out to each other—even in safe neighborhoods.

Friendships like the one between Susan and Mr. Boggs can only develop when people take risks by acknowledging their neighbors, getting to know them, and taking the time to form relationships. Usually, everyone—no matter what their age—benefits. How well do you and your children know your neighbors? Do you know their names? Find a safe way to begin getting to know your neighbors, such as National Night Out. But you don’t have to wait; there are other things you can do. Organize a cookout or potluck. Greet your neighbors when you see them outside. Take one small step that will introduce your child to your neighbors and introduce you to the young people who live near you.

TALK Triggers Your child may be unsure of what to talk about with a neighbor. Encourage your child to use these talk triggers to strike up a conversation: • Do you have any hobbies? • What do you like best about our neighborhood? • What’s your favorite book? Why? • What troubles you most about the world today? • What’s your favorite childhood memory? • What do you wish you had more time to do?

What Parents Say “Communication is a VERY important element, not only among the whole family but also with neighbors, so when you need help they’re happy to help.” —Chicano/Latino parent “When better communication is required, the neighborhood Somali families help solve the problem if a problem is there.” —Somali parent Next page

➠

6 Steps to Nurturing a Caring Neighborhood 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Be honest about your hopes and fears about your neighborhood. Discuss these with your family—and some neighbors you trust. Meet with a neighborhood group or slowly start a small group if one doesn’t exist. Do activities together, such as creating a community garden. Arrange a get-together so neighbors can meet and mingle. Quick Tip: Encourage your child to share with others, for instance, Learn the sleds, basketballs, books, or toys. names of y our Spend time outdoors in your neighborhood where other neighbors . neighbors are. Take walks or hang out on your front step. Create a neighborhood welcome wagon of youth and adults.

Be Proactive

T

o encourage neighbors to be more caring toward your children,

tell a neighbor how much it means to you and your children when he or she acknowledges, smiles at, or greets your children.

talk tog ether

Parents r fo lp e H e Mor a Culture T hat How to Create Stand: : The ery Lemonade “T he Third Circle 4, r te ap Ch Stopping at Ev t. ch aking the James R. Vollbra tical ideas for m ac Cares for Kids by pr d an s ie or lished by ntains st ighborhood. (Pub ne ng Neighborhood,” co ri ca a ng ti lead to crea connections that Penguin Books.)

Questions to discuss with your child: • How often do you talk with our neighbors? • Which neighbors are easiest to talk to? Why? • How can we create comfortable and safe opportunities for you to get to know other neighbors?

FiNaL WoRD “Love your neighbor as yourself.” —Southwestern Spanish proverb This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #7

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #5: Caring School Climate Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when their school provides a caring, encouraging environment.

29o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Caring school climate” is one of six support assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

School Climate: What’s the Forecast?

M

ost people like the weather to be warm and sunny, and most students like their school climate to be the same. According to Quest

International, an educator training organization, “School climate is the feel of a school—the mood and atmosphere you sense the moment you enter a school building.” You want a climate that promotes learning. A cold, dreary school climate isn’t one your son or daughter would want to be in for very long. What causes a school to have a warm, positive climate? A lot depends on how people interact. When your son or daughter comes into contact with a lot of different people during the day, that affects the school’s climate. It may start out with the way the bus driver treats your child, or the way other students interact with her or him. Then there could be an interaction with a school secretary, counselor, teacher, coach, cook, custodian, and so on. The way people feel about the school will affect how they treat each other, and vice versa. One person’s attitude can make a significant difference. At one school in Minneapolis, Minnesota, everybody could count on the school secretary. She always had a smile on her

Time to Advocate

face and knew everyone by name. In fact, students often stopped by to see her because she always helped them feel so valued and cared for. When she retired, she received over 1,000 flowers one from each student. That school rarely had a rainy day in its climate.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • If you were to compare your school’s atmosphere to the weather, how would you describe it most of the time? • What do you think causes your school’s climate to get better at times? Worse? • How do you think our family could improve your school’s climate?

Three ways to improve the climate at your child’s school: 1. Learn as much as you can about your child’s school, the policies, the politics, and the general mood. 2. Get involved with a parent-teacher organization. Create a spirit of cooperation. Teachers, administrators, volunteers, and parents all want the best for kids. 3. Talk with your child about her or his thoughts and feelings about the school. Encourage your child to share those opinions with others through student government, a letter to the school newspaper, or simply talking to a teacher or administrator. Next page

Changing Climate through Caring ow can your child help warm up the climate in her or his school? One way is for your child to do her

H

or his part to help others feel cared about and supported. Following are several ideas he or she can try: ❑ Learn the names of as many students as possible. Whenever you see them, whether in school or in the community, smile and greet them by name. ❑ Reach out to students who seem isolated or lonely—those who don’t seem to belong to any groups or cliques. Be their friend. ❑ Stick up for students who are bullied by others. ❑ Make an effort to get to know your teachers. ❑ Get involved in programs that build assets.

Making School a Positive Place

T

he most important factor in a caring school climate is a positive learning environment in which all students feel challenged and supported to succeed, and develop caring relationships with teachers.

How can you make a difference? Try some of these suggestions for helping teachers do their job:

• Help your child get off to a good start each day. Give her or him a hug before leaving. Say how proud you are of her or him. • Give your child healthy snacks and lunch to take to school. • Have a family discussion each week on a topic that comes out of your child’s experiences or assignments at school. • Be partners with your child’s teachers and Quick Tip: keep in touch Make a diffe rence. regularly. Volun

teer in your child’s scho ol today.

Parents r fo lp e H e Mor ate, we set-building clim

an as ter C. ur school to have Neal Starkman, Pe To encourage yo by n ar Le to es ww.searchat Plac arch Institute, w Se recommend Gre by d he lis ub berts. (P Scales, and Clay Ro 88 0- 8-7828.) institute.org; 80

FiNaL WoRD “A positive school climate needs to be nurtured; it doesn’t happen automatically.” —Quest International This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #8

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #6: Parent Involvement in Schooling Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when their parents are involved in their education and school.

34o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Parent involvement in schooling” is one of six support assets * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Staying Involved in School t’s a downward trend. As children start kindergarten, parents are quite involved with their education. We attend parent-teacher conferences, cheer on our children at school concerts and events, and hang up schoolwork in the family art gallery: on the refrigerator. But sometimes we distance ourselves from school as our children grow older. Kids seems to be doing well without as much of our involvement. They’re supposed to be independent. Right? Kids need their parents to stay actively involved in their education throughout middle and high school. Parents can easily stay involved in small ways that will make a big difference. For example: • Maintain ongoing communication with your child’s teacher(s). Call to check in every other month—before trouble appears. See if teachers have email. • Join a parent-teacher organization. If you can’t volunteer a lot of time, say so. • Volunteer to help out in small ways. Check with the teacher or the school’s volunteer coordinator. • Help seniors fill out college applications.

I

The CHALLENGE Most youth don’t have parents who are active in their schooling. Only 34% of young people experience this asset. And involvement drops dramatically across the middle and high school years, from 50% of 6th graders having this asset to only 20% of 12th graders.

• Volunteer to speak on career day. • Attend all conferences. If you can’t make it on the designated date, arrange to meet at another time. • Read the same book your child is assigned in English class, and talk about it together.

time to g ether

Three way s to be mo re involved your child’s with education: Encourage your child’s meet with teacher to both you a nd your child so th at say in exp everyone can have a ectations a nd goals. Go to a m use at exhibits um together to look tha your child’s t are related to c Make atten lasses. ding schoo l events a priority. Ke ep family cale track of them on a ndar.

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Next page

Ways of Staying Involved

W

hen parents participate in their children’s education—even in small ways—children can reap great benefits. Here are a few ways to serve:

• Ask teachers about ways to share your culture and traditions with their classes, including food, music, celebrations, and photos. • Offer to read to the class or individual students. • Volunteer to tutor struggling students. • Help out with an art or science activity. • Supervise children on the playground or in the library. • Set up and clean up after a classroom party.

Parents r fo lp e H e Mor ber of s available a num ha k out ent of Education t in learning. Chec The U.S. Departm en em lv vo in ily m on fa free publications ww.ed.gov. w the Web site at

FiNaL WoRD

Children’s Pride Remember, your children are proud of you and love having the chance to show you off to their teachers and principal.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • In what ways would you like me (us) to be involved with your school? • What do you like about other parents who help out at school? • What would make school more enjoyable? Why?

“Forge a partnership with your child’s other educators from the start.” —Jacqulyn Saunders, author of Bringing Out the Best, a parenting book This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #9

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Empowerment The more a young person is valued and feels valuable, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Applaud my ef forts and successes.” •“Help me solve problems and change things for the better.” •“Let me take care of things when I think I can.”

The Value of Appreciation

E

veryone wants to feel valued and be valuable, but it’s easy for children and teenagers to feel as if they have little to contribute. In our

fast-paced society, it’s often easier to do things for young people instead of doing things with young people so that they gradually learn and master their own skills. Young people need meaningful, valuable roles at home, at school, in the community, and in all the places where they spend time. They also need to feel safe. When children and youth feel safe and valued, they’re more apt to bond with their families, their schools, and their communities. They then become even more valuable because they want to contribute. Empowerment—the sense that you can make a difference and that you have a valued place or role—starts at home and starts slowly. What makes your child feel valued? What unique skills and talents does your child have to offer? What meaningful, ageappropriate roles does your child have in your family? And what about you? How do you as a parent feel empowered? What made you feel valuable when you were a child? A teenager?

Helpful Hints Tips that make empowering your child easier: • Have regular family meetings to plan, solve problems, and encourage each other. Rotate who leads the meetings. • Get involved with your child’s school and in the community. • Think of yourself as your child’s empowerment coach. • Advocate that your community develop meaningful opportunities for young people.

How can you translate your experience into creating a home that empowers your children? Even if you don’t know the answers to all of these questions, begin today with one thing you do know about empowerment. Start small. You can Quick Tip: help your child feel Empower your more valued and child by providing valuable today.

choices.

4 Key Areas of Empowerment Search Institute researchers have identified four empowerment assets that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check the areas of strength in your child’s life: ❑ Community values youth—Your child perceives that adults in the community value children and youth. ❑ Youth as resources—Your child is given useful roles in the community. ❑ Service to others—Your child serves in the community one hour or more per week. ❑ Safety—Your child feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood. Next page

Empowerment through the Years Age 0-1

2-3 4-5

6-10

11-15

16-18

Ways to Empower Your Child • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Prop up babies and hold young children so that they can see what is around them. Arrange family life around children’s needs. Watch over children to keep them safe. Find simple ways for children to serve others. For example, they may be able to place donated toys in a box. Keep track of children at all times. Take children along when visiting elderly people and those who are sick. Give children simple chores, such as sorting laundry by color, matching socks, or feeding pets. Teach children their first and last name, address, and phone number. Ask children how they would like to help others, and figure out simple ways for them to carry through on their wishes. Use the buddy system. When children go out to play, have them do so in pairs. Ask children what they do and do not like in their daily routines. Make some changes based on their comments. Display or use things your child makes. Discuss with your child her or his fears and feelings of not being safe. Work together on these. Be ready for concerns to range from safety at school to safety on dates. • Ask your child for ideas on family community service projects. Act on your child’s ideas. • Laugh at your child’s jokes. • Continue allowing your teen gradual independence while teaching safety skills (including making good decisions about physical and mental health) so that he or she is ready to live independently (and safely and successfully) by age 18. • If your teen wants to work, encourage a job that empowers your teen and balances with other time commitments. • If he or she feels ready, encourage your teenager to take a leadership role in addressing issues that concern her or him (such as homelessness, racism, hunger).

More Help for Parents

The Empowerment Equation

Empowering Your Child: How to Help Your Child Succeed in School and Life by C. Fred Bateman. This book suggests how to create an empowering home environment and be an empowering parent. (Published by Hampton Roads Publishing Company.)

C. Fred Bateman, author of Empowering Your Child, defines empowerment with this equation: Interacting with life’s challenges + influencing those challenges in valuable ways for all = empowerment.

“Each child deserves to be acknowledged and cherished for the qualities L i R W a D o N F that make her [or him] unique.” –Lee Salk, Ph.D., author of Familyhood This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #10

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #7: Community Values Youth Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they perceive that adults in the community value youth.

25o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Community values youth” is one of four empowerment assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year..

Seeing from a Child’s View

O

ur perceptions make a big difference in how we feel and

act. When we feel that a place is dangerous,

we will usually avoid going there if possible. When we sense that someone could hurt us, we try to protect ourselves. From an early age, children perceive who is warm and friendly and who is cold and distant. They crawl into laps of people who interact with them, hug them, and play with them. They run from aggressive, barking dogs and adults who yell. As children grow older, they still quickly sense where they are wanted and where they “get in the way.” How does your child perceive adults in your community? Does your child feel that adults take seriously the opinions and ideas of children? Does your child have opportunities to participate, serve, lead, and

Rate Your Community

✔

With your child, check the parts of your community that value children and youth: ❑ Your family ❑ Your school ❑ Your neighborhood ❑ Social services you know ❑ Your congregation ❑ Youth organizations you know ❑ Businesses you know ❑ Your library ❑ Your health-care provider ❑ Your city government ❑ Your overall community

make decisions within your community? Does your child feel that your community is a good place for children and youth? Your child’s perceptions can tell you a lot about your community, the adults in your community, and what needs to happen so that children and youth feel their community values them. Your child’s perceptions are important barometers. Check them often. You need to accept your child’s perceptions, even though they may not be what you expect or hope they would be. Work to make the community a place that values its youth.

time to g ether Three way s to impro ve your ch perceptions ild’s of your co mmunity, a vice versa: nd Attend a fa mily comm u together, s uch as an nity event outdoor concert. Take a com munity cla ss topic such as art, exe on a r cise, or computers . Invite a ne igh picnic with bor family to have a yo your comm ur family at one of unity parks .

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Next page

4 Ways to Build This Asset

C 1.

hildren and youth perceive that the community and adults value them when: Adults take time to be with them. 2. Adults listen and take seriously what they have to say. 3. Adults seek out young people and solicit their feedback. 4. Adults let them know their presence and participation are appreciated.

Parents r fo lp e H e Mor toward side Out: A Path

e In unities from th John P. Building Comm nity’s Assets by u m m Co a g n munity obilizi ok highlights com bo Finding and M is Th t. gh ni cK rategies John L. M ates and offers st St d Kretzmann and te ni U e th om around Available from success stories fr TA Publications. AC by d he lis ub ses. (P 0-888-7828.) for those succes -institute.org; 80 ch ar .se w w w e, ut Search Instit

FiNaL WoRD

Quick Tip: Serve on a communit y committee and promote a sset building.

talk tog et her Questions to disc uss with your ch ild: • Overall, do yo u feel our comm unity values children and young peop le? Why or why not? • How do peop le in the commun ity show they love and ap preciate you? • Which adults help you feel em powered and valuable? W hy?

“The community must assume responsibility for each child.” —Pearl S. Buck This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

ideas for par nt

Newsletter #11

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #8: Youth as Resources Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they are given useful roles in the community.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Youth as resources” is one of four empowerment assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Giving Young People Meaningful Roles

e s

T

hink about a time when you did a project that allowed you to make decisions, have input that others took seriously, and capitalize on your talents and knowledge. How did you feel?

Not only did you probably feel excited and energized, but you felt empowered. Even when the project encountered difficult obstacles, you were more likely to complete the project when you had an important and meaningful role in it. That’s what this asset is all about: giving young people useful roles. These roles start for children at home. As children grow, they have roles in their cultural groups, their schools, their congregations, their clubs, and their community. And children and youth know when those roles are useful and meaningful, and when they are not.

Tapping an Important Resource Tips for empowering young people through useful roles: • Ask your child to teach you something new, such as current slang, a song, or how to surf the Internet. • Use some of your home projects as learning projects. Build a birdhouse with an interested child. Fix a bike with a mechanically oriented child. • Ask an artistic youth to draw or paint a portrait of your family or place where you live. • Ask your child to help plan family outings or reunions.

Building this asset entails valuing young people’s talents, skills, interests, and opinions. It also means setting aside the old hierarchy that adults know best, youth know some, and children are too young to know or contribute anything. When we start seeing children and youth as valuable resources, our young people will start feeling empowered and contribute to our communities, our schools, and our families in meaningful, thoughtful ways.

time tog ether Three ways to help your ch ild feel like a resource: Ask for her or his opinion on a decision you’re trying to ma ke. Have a family meeting an d get everyone’s ideas on accomplishing household tasks. Sh are the decisions and share the work. Let your child be respons ible for certain family needs, such as checking out summer camp s, leading a family meeting, or planting a garden.

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Important Roles through the Years

F

ind out what your child’s talents, interests, and opinions are, and give her or him important roles in your family, starting on day one.

The Word from Webster – – n. 1. Something Re-source (re-sors) that can be turned to for support or help. 2. An available supply that can be drawn upon when needed.

Infants, particularly, need to be at the center of family life and have their needs met immediately. As they become more mobile, children need to be listened to, given opportunities to explore, develop their interests, and express their thoughts and feelings. Preschool-age children can have an active role and vote in family meetings. Throughout elementary and high school, families should gradually include children more regularly in family decision making; ask for their ideas about family activities and vacations; and encourage their interests, talents, and opinions.

Quick Tip: Create use ful roles for yo ur child at ho me.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • What are some of the thi ngs you like You’d Like to Know by le ab op ou Pe t g yo ur un se Yo lf 20 ? of s to Kidstories: Biographies • What have you enjoyed kids who are doing thing 20 s ile of pr ok bo is Th doing that has .D. . (Published by Jim Delisle, Ph rld wo eir th d an ls, oo ma sch de eir yo th ur s, ho itie me un , fam ily, school, or improve their comm community better? What ab t.) iri Sp out it did Free you enjoy? • How could youth and ch ildren be a resource in our community ?

arents More Help for P

FiNaL WoRD

“Leisure is the time for doing something useful.” —Benjamin Franklin

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #12

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #9: Service to Others Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they serve others in the community one hour or more per week.

51% outh

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Service to others” is one of four empowerment assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

10 Benefits of Serving Others

T

o many children, the world is small. It is made up of their school, their home, their neighborhood. They may

assume all schools are like their school. And they tend to think the world revolves around them. When children start to reach out and help others, their world grows and so does their confidence. Independent Sector, an organization that studies nonprofit groups, surveyed teenagers who volunteer to help others. The young people said that through their volunteer experience they: 1. Learned to respect others. 2. Gained satisfaction from helping others. 3. Learned to be helpful and kind. 4. Learned how to get along with and relate to others. 5. Learned new skills. 6. Learned to understand people who are different from them. 7. Learned how to relate to younger children. 8. Developed leadership skills. 9. Became better people. 10. Became more patient. By giving their time and energy, many said they received more in return. By serving others, they felt they made a difference in the world.

Quick Tip: el for your Be a role mod rving others. children by se

ther e o g t k a t l ild:

uss with your ch g things sc di to ns io st ue Q doin u excited about • What gets yo hen for others? serve others? W to t es si ea it is • When ult? is it more diffic a difference in the e ak m e gin? • How can w e as a family be w n ca ow H ? ld wor

time tog et her Three ways to en courage your ch serve others: ild to Together help a ne an elderly neighb ighbor. Maybe or would appreciate your mowing the law n or shoveling snow . Help your child pu weekly schedule t together a of includes some ki activities that nd of service to others. Together, think of 1 family can serv 0 ways your e others. Choos e one idea. Pick a da activity. Afterwar te to do the d, talk about your experience .

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10 Ways to Serve as a Family You don’t need to volunteer at a shelter or do a large project to make a difference. Together as a family, do 2 of these 10 simple things for someone: 1. Play music at a nursing home. 2. Cook a meal for a single parent. 3. Take a child to a playground. 4. Provide a ride to an appointment or errand. 5. Bake cookies or another treat. 6. Give a “one-hour” coupon that’s good for any project of the recipient’s choice.

7. Take a dog for a walk. 8. Visit or call someone who can’t leave home. 9. Change the oil in a car. 10. Cat-sit. House-sit. Child-sit. Plant-sit.

Organizations for Kids

C

heck your phone book or the Internet to see if any of these organizations have chapters near you. Many of these give youth

opportunities to serve others: • Boys & Girls Clubs of America • Boy Scouts of America • Camp Fire USA • Girls Inc. • Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. • Greenwing (or Ducks Unlimited) • Habitat for Humanity • Kids Against Crime • Kids Against Pollution

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• Kids Can Free the Children • Kids for Saving the Earth • National Network of Youth Advisory Boards • Students Against Drunk Driving • United Way • YMCA or YWCA • Youth Service America Also check with local schools, congregations, or community organizations for ways to serve.

More Help for Parents The Kid’s Guide to Service Projects: Over 500 Ideas for Young People Who Want to Make a Difference by Barbara A. Lewis. From simple projects to large-scale initiatives, this book has over 500 suggestions for young people who want to make a difference. (Published by Free Spirit.)

“There is nothing to make you like other human beings so much as doing things for them.” —Zora Neale Hurston This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #13

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #10: Safety Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they feel safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Safety” is one of four empowerment assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Feeling Safe to Move Forward

Y

oung people who feel threatened, unsafe, or scared often spend a lot of time trapped in fear or in their attempts to protect themselves. They’re less likely to venture

forth and take some healthy risks. On the other hand, children and teenagers who feel safe are more likely to feel secure enough to try new things. That’s why safety is an important empowerment asset. Young people who feel safe at home, at school, and in the community are more likely to make positive contributions. Yet fear is part of childhood and adolescence. Phyllis Tyson, Ph.D., a clinical professor of psychiatry, says young people face two types of fear: imaginary fears and reality-based fears. Imaginary fears vary depending on the developmental stage your child is going through. For example, toddlers frequently are frightened of toilets, separation, and loud or strange noises. Preschoolers fear monsters and animals. Fears for teenagers often revolve around injuries, natural events, and social situations. Television, newspapers, and other people

Communicating SAFETY People who feel safe often act in these ways: • They’re relaxed. • They’re warm, open, and friendly. • They enjoy being creative. • They dream big and take healthy risks. • They’re confident and secure.

fuel reality-based fears, such as crime and accidents. Parents can also add to this sense of insecurity by feeling anxious and believing the world is a dangerous place. Children and teenagers pick up on our body language, our attitudes, and our beliefs—even when we don’t express them consciously. “Having fears is normal, and acknowledging, understanding, and learning to deal with them is part of the child’s continuing development,” Tyson says. It’s also important to do our part in ensuring that our homes, our schools, our neighborhoods, and our communities are safe places for children.

time tog ether Three ways to help your children feel safer: Be an “askable” parent, so your children learn they can tel l you about things that concern them, especially personal safety issues. Give practical suggestions on how your children can be safe in specific circumstances. Reassure your children tha t your goal is to keep her or him safe.

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Making a Safer Home

Safety Information

H

ere are a few ways to make your home safer for both you and your children:

• Keep a fire extinguisher on each floor of your house or keep one in your apartment. • Once he or she is old enough, make sure your child learns how to use the fire extinguisher. • Pick a date you’ll remember, such as a birthday or holiday, to change smoke and carbon monoxide detector batteries each year. • Put together an escape plan for a fire, and practice it together. • Post emergency phone numbers in a visible spot. • When your child becomes a driver, teach her or him how to change a tire. If possible, invest in a car phone for emergency use only.

These organizations have more in-depth information on safety: • National Alliance for Safe Schools, Ice Mountain, P.O. Box 290, Slanesville, WV 25444 www.safeschools.org (for safe schools). • National SAFE KIDS Campaign,® 1301 Pennsylvania Avenue N.W., Washington, DC 20004; www.safekids.org (for safer homes and neighborhoods). • Speak Up Campaign National Hotline, Quick Tip: (866) SPEAK UP; (for D iscuss and students to anonymously dea w ith fears rig l report weaponht related school threats). away.

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More Help for Parents

ents of Toddlers and Teens—and Keeping Kids Safe: A Guide for Par h Shore.T his book addresses many the Years in Between by Dr. Kennet d abuse, to finding quality child safety issues, from the Internet to chil care. (Published by Prentice Hall.)

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Questions to discuss with your child: • How safe do you feel at home? At school? In our neighborhood? In our community? In social settings? Why? • What would help you feel safer? • Do you think the world is getting mor e or less safe? Why?

“Children deserve to feel safe in their neighborhoods and schools.” —Jesse Jackson This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #14

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

Why Boundaries and Expectations Make a Difference

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY

S

earch Institute researchers found that young people have fewer boundaries as they get older.

Boundaries and Expectations The more your child has clear, consistent boundaries and high expectations, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Expect me to be a good student and to do things right.” •“Help me grow to be an individual.” •”Challenge me to succeed and comfort me when I fail.”

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While it’s normal and healthy for teenagers to take more responsibility for themselves as they grow, the problem is that not enough young people have clear boundaries in the first place. Positive peer influence is one boundary asset that can help youth make good decisions for themselves (see 6 Key Areas of Boundaries and Expectations below). But while 87% of 6th graders report that their best friends model responsible behavior, only 52% of 12th graders do.

Watch the next six newsletters for more ideas on building boundariesand-expectations assets!

Helpful Hints Tips that make boundaries easier: • Discuss boundaries with teachers, coaches, employers, clergy, and adults in other places where your child goes so that all boundaries are consistent. • When you’re unsure about setting and enforcing boundaries, seek advice from another parent or a teacher. • Involve your children in family meetings to discuss boundaries and what happens when boundaries are violated. • Think of boundaries as something positive rather than something negative!

Boundaries are important to our children because they give clear messages about what’s expected. Every day young people face many options and choices. Without boundaries to guide them, they may feel unsure and confused—and make unhealthy decisions. With boundaries, they have the supports that help them choose wisely and grow up healthy. Expectations also make a difference in children’s lives. Having teachers and parents who expect them to do their best is important for children. For example, research shows that regardless of ability level, young people’s scholastic achievement tends to be higher in classes where teachers have high expectations. When parents and teachers set high, yet realistic, expectations, children strive to do well.

6 Key Areas of Boundaries and Expectations Search Institute researchers have identified six assets in the area of boundaries and expectations that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check your family’s areas of strength: ❑ Family boundaries—Family has clear rules and consequences, and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. ❑ School boundaries—School provides clear rules and consequences. ❑ Neighborhood boundaries—Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. ❑ Adult role models—Parent(s) and other adults model responsible behavior. ❑ Positive peer influence—Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. ❑ High expectations—Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well. Next page

Setting Limits through the Years Age

Ways to Set and Uphold Boundaries for Your Child

0-1

• Know that children at this age don’t intentionally violate standards. • Distract your child from inappropriate behaviors and draw attention to appropriate ones. 2-3 • Enforce boundaries consistently. • Give simple, understandable boundaries, such as “Don’t bite” or “Be quiet.” • Calmly repeat simple rules when children do not follow them. 4-5 • Don’t just tell your child what and what not to do. Demonstrate appropriate ways of behaving. • Learn to set limits and offer your child choices. 6-10 • Be firm about safety boundaries. • Be consistent with the consequences for violating boundaries. 11-15 • Negotiate new boundaries as your child grows older. • Be patient, calm, and consistent as young adolescents test the boundaries you set. 16-18 • Explain your reasons for the limits you set. • Help your teenager think about future goals, and the discipline and boundaries required to reach them.

Quick Tip: Set clear boundaries and expect the best.

The 4 Cs of Boundaries and Expectations Clear—Everyone should know what to expect. Consistent—Standards are more likely to be honored when you uphold them. Creative—Kids respond better when boundaries are clever and creative. Confident—Expectations empower when you say, “I know you can do this.”

More Hel Parents p for

Setting Limit s: How to Rais e Responsible, Independent C hildren by Providing Cle ar Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie. T h is book helps w it h the positive, respec tful, boundarie s your child needs. (Publish ed by Prima Pu blishing.)

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“The word no carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows how to say yes.” —Joyce Maynard This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #15

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #11: Family Boundaries Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when families have clear rules and consequences, and monitor young people’s whereabouts.

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What Are Assets? Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Family boundaries” is one of six boundaries-andexpectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Short, Simple Boundaries

A

uthor Stephen Covey knows the importance of setting and talking about boundaries and expectations. At a family meeting to

discuss who would do which chores, Covey’s seven-year-old son volunteered to care for the lawn. Dad gave the boy a tour of the yard and pointed out which neighbor’s yard he wanted the lawn to most look like. He and his son then agreed on two concise, clear expectations: clean and green. After two weeks, Dad asked his son about the lawn. “It’s fine,” the boy replied, even though his dad knew he had done nothing to take care of it. “Let’s walk around the yard together and you can show me how it’s going,” Dad replied. So they walked around the yard. It was obviously in bad shape, and the boy became upset. “It’s so hard, Dad,” he said. Dad didn’t respond but wondered, “How hard is it not to do something?” Dad then reminded his son that he—not Dad—was in charge of the yard, but he had a

Helpful Hints Tips that make setting boundaries easier: • Make boundaries positive, simple, and within reason. • Adjust boundaries as your child becomes older. • Help children understand that some rules change as brothers and sisters reach different ages. • Let your child earn more freedoms as he or she shows more responsibility.

few minutes to help out if the boy wanted it. The two then cleaned up the yard. When they were done, the yard was clean and green. Over the summer, the son only asked his dad to help him a few more times and did the rest himself. The boundaries were clear. The expectations were clear, and the seven-year-old succeeded at keeping the yard clean and green.

time tog ether Three ways to set bounda ries together with your child: Observe the boundaries of other families (neighbors, televisio n families, etc.). Discuss wh at’s appropriate and what’s no t for your family and why. Post your family boundarie s on the refrigerator. Have only five or six. Make sure they are co ncise and clear, and apply to everyone—not just kids. Meet monthly to discuss boundaries. Are they fair? Do they still fit? Do they reflec t the values and principles you have? Adjust them if you need to.

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Dos and Don’ts of Discipline

Do

Do • Notice and comment when your child does something well. Be specific. • Create specific and relevant consequences. • Respond as quickly as you notice a violation. • Respond consistently. • Make sure your child understands the reason he or she receives a consequence. • Be consistent by setting the same standards for boys and girls.

n’t

• Only notice your child when he or she violates a standard. • Use threats. • Use physical punishment. • Attack or ridicule your child. • Manipulate your child with shame, humiliation, or guilt. • Use labels, such as “You’re lazy” or “You’re such a slob.” • Notice the violation of a rule at some times and not others.

More Help for Parents Parenting toward Solutions: How Parents Can Use Skills They Already Have to Raise Responsible, Loving Kids by Linda Metcalf gives practical ways to create and enforce respectful family boundaries. (Published by Prentice Hall.)

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Quick Tip Tell your c : hildren why you ch ose boundarie the s you have.

talk tog et her Questions to disc uss with your ch ild: • How does our family compare to others in regard to disc ipline? • Is our family too lenient, too harsh, or just right in enfo rcing boundaries • What importan ? Why? t lesson have yo u le arned after violating a boundary ?

“The external structure parents provide for their children . . . helps children develop their own internal structure of self-discipline for taking care of themselves and other people.” —Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson, authors of Growing Up Again This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #16

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #12: School Boundaries Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when school provides clear rules and consequences.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “School boundaries” is one of six boundariesand-expectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Parents and Schools Setting Limits Together

T

he principal of Highline Community School in Colorado believes in assets. David Fischer walks

his talk and acts as a role model for good behavior. He expanded the idea of the school’s “bully-proofing” program so that it went from violence reduction to encompassing the idea that everyone is responsible for the health of the school. Students are now respected for their strengths and consulted for their input. The result is fewer violent incidents. In this elementary school, when a student begins to bully other students, the other children don’t let themselves be victimized. Instead, they challenge the bully. The bully finds her or his behavior doesn’t work to bring the attention she or he is looking for. Like the Highline school, all schools need boundaries. They need to set clear boundaries and expectations for how students should act and learn. Yet setting these standards isn’t easy—and neither is enforcing them. Many schools struggle with how to discipline students in appropriate and effective ways. As a parent you can help the process by working with your child’s school. Encourage your school to create a conduct code at the beginning of the year, review the code with the students, and send a copy of it home to inform parents. Suggest that students help in

Helpful Hints Tips that make creating clear school boundaries easier: • Get involved in a parent-teacher policy organization. • Focus on the positive and build on what’s working. • When conflicts occur, calmly state your concern and suggest solutions.

creating the code. For example, Streetwater High in National City, California, created “The Link Crew”—12th graders who explained the dos and don’ts of behavior to new students and talked with students with whom teachers were struggling. Grades and attendance improved, and fewer new students spent time in the principal’s office. When parents and educators work together, they can create a supportive environment for establishing and enforcing school boundaries. And the more families, schools, and communities work together to establish consistent boundaries, the better off our children will be because they will know what to expect.

✔

Evaluate Your Child’s School

Inform yourself about school boundaries by visiting or volunteering at your child’s school and asking yourself these questions: • Overall, how are students behaving? • How do adults and students interact with each other? • When conflicts occur, how are they resolved? • How do the school boundaries you observe match the boundaries you have at home?

Next page

By the Book If your child’s school doesn’t publish a student handbook, ask them to. You may want to offer to help put it together with input from your child and other students, as well as school staff. Some areas to cover include: • Absences (excused/unexcused) • Fighting • Appearance (dress code/hair code) • Gang activity/gang • Bullying/threats membership • Cheating/dishonesty • Homework • Destruction of school property/ • Internet use vandalism • Plagiarism • Detention • Profanity/obscenity • Discrimination • Sexual harassment • Electronic devices (pagers, cell • Smoking/tobacco use phones, personal stereos) • Tardiness • Expulsion • Weapons

Quick Tip: Children learn better wh en school boundaries are clear and consistent.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • Do you understand your school’s rule s? Why or why not? • Do you feel your school’s consequen ces for violating rules are fair? Why or why not? • How would you make school boundaries and consequences clearer?

More Help for Parents

ools, and cation: Working with Teachers, Sch A Parent’s Guide to Innovative Edu ies to help e Wescott Dodd offers positive strateg Ann by ng rni Lea l Rea for n ldre Chi Your Noble Press.) t in their schools. (Published by The parents and children bring out the bes

FiNaL WoRD “No greater challenge exists today than creating safe schools.” —Ronald D. Stephens This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #17

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #13: Neighborhood Boundaries Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.

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of y d by surveye ute Instit Search asset is have th lives.* in their

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Neighborhood boundaries” is one of six boundaries-andexpectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Renewing the Neighborhood

“B

anana Kelly,” which refers to the banana-curved Kelly Street in the South Bronx of New York, was probably one of the last neighborhoods anyone wanted to live in. Empty buildings lined the rubble-

strewn streets. The city considered it a hopeless neighborhood and the private sector refused to invest in it. At times people in the neighborhood would have to fill buckets from the fire hydrant because their water lines would get cut off. Yet Harold DeRienzo had hope for the neighborhood. In fact, as everyone else was moving out, he moved in. Harold began organizing the neighbors who were left. They learned each other’s names and started doing things together. They held street cleanups and block parties, and started planting flowers. Slowly, the neighborhood began to change for the better. “Banana Kelly needs to be viewed as a vehicle for local empowerment,” Harold says. “To retain a sense of community, people have to have a sense that they’re affecting their own lives.”

Helpful Hints Four steps that make neighborhood boundaries easier: 1. Get together with other parents and nonparents on your block. Discuss neighborhood boundaries. 2. Find three neighborhood boundaries that everyone agrees on. 3. Publish the boundaries in a one-page newsletter for everyone in the neighborhood. 4. Have contracts with other parents for things like no alcohol at teen parties.

What does this have to do with neighborhood boundaries? Everything. When you ask people why they don’t take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior in the neighborhood, they point to fear. They’re afraid of the young people. They’re afraid of the kids’ parents. In essence, they’re afraid of their neighbors. It’s easier to have neighborhood boundaries when people perceive their neighborhood as a caring community. You don’t need to be a community organizer to help create a neighborhood where neighbors monitor young people’s behavior. All you need to do is to start getting to know the people who live near you. Start with the ones who seem friendly. Get to know the children. Talk with their parents about boundaries they would like for their children in the neighborhood. Then together you can start building this asset.

Ideas for Neighborhood Boundaries What are some neighborhood boundaries that you might want to consider? • Respect each other’s property. • Report any suspicious activity. • Supervise children younger than 16. • End parties by 11:00 p.m. • Talk to neighbors directly about concerns. Next page

Connect, Then Decide Before you decide on appropriate boundaries for your neighborhood, connect with other neighbors to get to know them. Try these simple ideas: • Hold a front-yard, neighborhood barbecue. • Organize all the dog owners to take a walk together (with the dogs) once a week. • Suggest a parent get-together. Ask older youth to supervise and play with the younger children. • Contact your local police department and ask for help in having a block meeting to discuss safety.

In a survey of 614 young people, 46% said it was very important for adults to report to parents when they saw their children doing something wrong.

More Help for Parents orhood through Side by Side: Exploring Your Neighb Kaplan. This book contains t Intergenerational Activities by Mat ple and senior adults to learn activities to bring together young peo lished by MIG about community and each other. (Pub Communications.)

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • What are the boundaries of our neighborhood? How do you know? • Which neighbors seem to notice wha t you do? How do you feel about that? • How well do neighbors monitor young people in our neighborhood?

Tips for Monitoring Once neighbors agree on some common boundaries, encourage each other to: • Point out boundaries to youth. For example, if a neighbor hears young people swearing, everyone should support the neighbor saying, “We don’t use that kind of language in our neighborhood.” • Call other neighbors about concerns or questions. Distribute a neighborhood directory with names, phone numbers, and addresses of neighbors interested in participating.

FiNaL WoRD “There’s no such thing as other people’s children.” —Hillary Rodham Clinton This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #18

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #14: Adult Role Models Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.

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What a Difference a Friend Makes

A

s a single parent, Eileen felt strongly that her 10-year-old son, John, needed a male role model in his life. Her father and two

brothers enjoyed being with her son, but all three lived out of state. One day, Carlos, a neighbor, mentioned how much he and his wife missed being around children. Their two children had recently left for college, and Carlos was wishing he could find another child to spend some time with. That was the beginning of an important relationship that developed between Carlos and John. The two would attend special events together or just hang out to talk. For one of John’s birthdays, Carlos wrote and taped a story called “John’s Fictitious Adventure.” “The more time they spent together, the more John’s self-esteem grew,” Eileen says. “Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins are important, but an adult who singles out a child and chooses to spend time with that child makes a unique difference.”

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Adult role models” is one of six boundaries-andexpectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

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Kids’

#1 NEED

What 10- to 15-yearolds need most is positive social interaction with adults, says Dr. Peter C. Scales, a Search Institute author and researcher. These interactions expose young people to reallife heroes.

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Three ways to be an adult role m odel for your child: Treat your child with love and respect. Model appropriat e behavior. Whe n you make mista kes, admit them . Apologize for fa ilures. Spend time toge ther. Often. Be involved in your child’s life on a daily basis.

1. 2. 3.

Finding Friends Help your child find other responsible adults to be part of her or his life. Having other caring adults involved in your child’s life provides more role models.

Next page

What Teens Want to Know from Adults

Quick Tip: You are your chil d’s most important role m odel.

S

ometimes adults can feel awkward around children and teenagers and not know what to talk about. They may not see themselves as role models. Yet when adults

take time to be themselves with young people, children and youth learn a lot. Psychologist Tore Hayden asked several hundred young people what they would like to talk about with adults:

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Family matters and decisions Controversial issues Emotional issues Big questions and the “whys” of the world

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Questions to discuss with your child: • Are people in movies an d television good role models? Why or why not? • Which adults (whom yo u know) do you admire? Why? • What have you learned from adults that has helped or inspired yo u?

The future Current affairs Personal interests What their parents were like at their age

arents More Help for P

n T. ily and Culture by Steffe m Fa h ug ro th es Liv g Heroes: Shapin that guides is a practical handbook rce ou res is Th er. hm “heroes.” ae Kr find appropriate, positive ren ild ch eir th ng lpi he in parents ess.) (Published by Fairview Pr

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“Without heroes, we are all plain people and don’t know how far we can go.” —Bernard Malamud, novelist This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #19

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #15: Positive Peer Influence Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when their best friends model responsible behavior.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Positive peer influence” is one of six boundaries-andexpectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Photos of Friends: Snapshots of Responsibility

T

he best way to encourage children to choose positive, healthy relationships is to model them ourselves. Take out an old yearbook or

photo album. Look at pictures of the friends you had as a teenager. Think about the friends who acted in ways you admired. Most people can remember at least one person who always sensed when things weren’t going well and called, sent a note, or showed up to find out what was wrong. Often, these are the people who turned out to be lifelong friends. How about people who weren’t such true friends? Was there someone who spread rumors about you, or talked behind your back? Did you ever have a friend who tried to get you to do things you didn’t want to do? The pain of these kinds of experiences often teaches young people a lot about how they want to be treated by others.

Helpful Hints Tips that encourage your child to keep responsible friendships: • Talk with your child about her or his friends. Ask questions to find out what they’re like. • Get to know your child’s friends and their families. Point out what you like about them. • Don’t jump to conclusions based on what friends look like. • Avoid criticizing friendships that seem negative to you, but be honest when you’re concerned about a relationship.

No one forced you to like people who were good to you, or feel angry at people who hurt you. You had to make your own choices about who your friends were. In the same way, we can’t control who our children choose as friends. They are exploring and learning about their world, themselves, and the people around them. Sometimes they’re attracted to people we have concerns about. Other times they may say the “good” kids are boring. However, if we model responsible relationships, talk to our children about how others act, and are involved in their lives, gradually they’ll see that friends who act, talk, and think in positive ways will bring out the best in them.

time tog et her Three ways to he lp your child ch oose responsible friend s: Make your child ’s friends welcome in your home. Invite them over. Think about your own friends. Do they model resp onsible behavior ? Let your child kn ow when you think he or she has a good friend.

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A Good Friend Our children may need our guidance in choosing good friends who have a positive influence. Use this checklist with your child to evaluate each friend. Discuss with your child what each word means:

Quick Tip: Don’t judge your child’s friends by what they look like.

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❑ Responsible ❑ Loyal

your child: Questions to discuss with about your • What do you like most friends? ndle conflict • How do your friends ha when it arises? u’re with your • How do you feel when yo t the best in friends? Do they bring ou best in you? Do you bring out the them?

❑ Confidential ❑ Fair ❑ Trustworthy ❑ Caring ❑ Sharing ❑ Encouraging ❑ Reliable

Worth a Cheer

W

e often think of “peer pressure” only as a negative influence. But researchers

at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that in a study of 1,500 adolescents, peer pressure was usually more positive than negative. Friends were more likely to support each other’s efforts to do well than to encourage risky behaviors.

More Help for Parents

❑ Sensible ❑ Open-minded

Making and Keeping Friends: Rea dy-to-Use Lessons, Stories, and Act ivities for Building Relationships by John J. Schmidt gives young people the skil ls and knowledge needed to form meaningful, healthy , lasting relationships. (Published by Free Spirit.)

FiNaL WoRD “When there are friends, there is wealth.”—Southwestern Spanish proverb This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #20

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #16: High Expectations Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when both parents and teachers encourage young people to do well.

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Encouraging Their Best

W

hen you give a child a helium-filled balloon, it brings great joy. But if the balloon is

leaking and gradually deflates, the child becomes frustrated. If the balloon is difficult to hang on to and floats away, the child cries. A balloon is like expectations. If they’re too low or too high, they’re not helpful. But if the expectations are high—yet still within reach—the child holds the taut string of the balloon with an arm extended up. Expectations should make our children stretch but still able to see what they’re stretching toward. Expectations should differ based on each child’s temperament, abilities, gifts, and talents. A natural-born athlete who is bored in physical education, goofs around most of the time, and still gets an A, doesn’t have high enough expectations set on her. The dyslexic child who struggles to keep up with the state standards of reading for his age has expectations placed upon him that are too

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “High expectations” is one of six boundariesand-expectations assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Helpful Hints Tips that make setting high expectations with your child easier: • Don’t push your child—let her or him develop at her or his own speed. • Tell your child when he or she is doing well. • Periodically check out your expectations with your child. • Challenge yourself and model the benefits of high expectations.

high—that may be out of reach. High expectations can bring out the best in our children, yet expectations constantly need to be evaluated and revamped so that they encourage our children without discouraging them, and challenge our children without frustrating them. What do you expect of your child?

time tog et her Three ways to se t high but reason able expectations with your child: Expect the best from your child , keeping in mind her or his abilities and inte rests. Ask children wha t they expect from themselves . Encourage your child to tackle subjects and ho bbies that are challenging, but not too difficult. Work together.

1. 2. 3.

Next page

A Progress Report

✔

Examine your expectations of your child in each of the following areas: EXPECTATION

Child seems stretched

Child seems bored

Child seems overwhelmed

❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

Social skills Academics Physical health Hobbies Extracurricular activities

talk tog ether your child: Questions to discuss with ect of you—at • What do you think we exp mmunity? Are home, at school, in the co ? Why or those expectations realistic why not? ? Where do • Where do you feel bored you feel defeated? Why? ectations • How can we set high exp , yet together that are realistic challenging?

Quick Tip: Encourage children not to compare themselves to others.

What about You? Our expectations of our children often come from the expectations we as parents received when we were children. What did your parents expect of you as a child? As a teenager? How realistic were those expectations? How are those expectations affecting your parenting?

More Help for Parents Awakening Your Child’s Natural Gen ius: Enhancing Curiosity, Creativity, and Learning Ability by Thomas Armstrong. This book suggests creative ways to develop your child’s learning ability, curiosity, and creativity to her or his fullest potential. (Published by J.P. Tarcher.)

FiNaL WoRD “High expectations are the key to everything.” —Sam Walton This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #21

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

Time: Help Make Your Child’s Count

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Constructive Use of Time Young people are more likely to grow up healthy when they have opportunities to learn new skills and interests.

Youth Speak •“Let me have time for freedom.” •“Of fer lots of fun things to do after school.” •“Notice when I do useful things.” •“Open up more places for young people to go.”

e s

S

ometimes kids get bored. Other times,

they’re so busy we rarely see them. The paces of our children’s lives seem to vary according to the activities and programs they’re in at the moment. These fluctuations are normal—even healthy. As long as our kids aren’t stuck in having too much to do or not enough to do, they’re on track. It never hurts, however, to periodically take an “activity” inventory. Ask your child questions such as these: • Overall, are you happy with how many different things you do with your time? Why or why not? • Are the activities you’re in stimulating and challenging?

• Are you making friends with caring, thoughtful adults in your activities? • Are you learning new skills, talents, or knowledge? • Do your activities teach you more about yourself? • Are you excited most days to do these activities? • Do these activities bring out the best in you? The more times your child answers yes, the better. If your child seems to have too few constructive, challenging things to do, consider helping her or him find other constructive activities using the criteria in the questions above.

More to come on the four constructive-use-of-time assets!

4 Key Areas of Involvement

S

earch Institute researchers have identified four assets in the area of constructive use of time that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check your

child’s areas of strength: ❑ Creative activities—Your child spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. ❑ Youth programs—Your child spends three

or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. ❑ Religious community—Your child spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. ❑ Time at home—Your child is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week. Next page

Time Use through the Years Age

Ways to Make the Most of Your Child’s Time

0-1

• Have your baby spend most of the time with you or one or two consistent caregivers. • Give your baby a change of scene now and then.Move the rocking chair to a different room or take a walk outside.

2-3

• Have consistent times for sleeping,feeding,playing,and relaxing. • Spend time outdoors every day.

4-5

• Find simple household chores thatyou and your child can do together. • Visit interesting buildings together.Tour a barn,skyscraper,fire station,or bakery.

6-10

• Allowyour child to have two outside-the-home activities that are led by caring,nurturing adults. • Letyour child experiment with different activities he or she likes.

11-15

• Help youryoung adolescent set boundaries on structured activities.Look for ones that are positive,stimulating,have caring adults,and don’t require excessive time commitments. • Evaluate with youryoung adolescent the amount of time he or she spends “hanging out.”Is it balanced with time at home,time in activities,and time at school?

16-18

• Help your teenager think about how time spent on different activities helps or hinders in reaching goals. • Encourage your teenager to be involved in at least one activity that may continue into her or his adultyears.

Quick Tip: skills while Kids learn values and ities. doing worthwhile activ

FiNaL WoRD

What about Work? Teenagers learn from their work experience— responsibility, time management, and getting along with others are just some of the lessons having a job can teach. However, if possible, young people should work no more than 10 or 15 hours a week. Anything over that can make it hard to meet other obligations and get enough rest.

More Help for Parents Developing Competent Youth and Strong Communities through After-School Programming by Thomas Gullotta, editor. This book describes the positive effects of various after-school programs. (Published by Child Welfare League of America.)

“We must use time creatively, and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.” —Martin Luther King Jr. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #22

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #17: Creative Activities Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they spend three or more hours per week in music, theater, or other arts.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Creative activities” is one of four constructiveuse-of-time assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States duirng the 1999–2000 school year.

Adding the Arts to Your Family Time

M

ention painting, many people think of Picasso. Mention music,

and Mozart, Erykah Badu, Selena, or the Rolling Stones come to mind. Rarely do we think of ourselves—or our children—as painters or musicians. Yet, all of us are artists in some way. We think of creative ways to surprise someone on her or his birthday. We hum a few notes along with the radio. We dance around when we’re in a good mood. These small bursts of artistic expression are important ways we communicate our uniqueness. By bringing more art and music into our homes, we can help to develop another side of our children’s personalities, talents, and skills. Some easy ways to do this: • Become clothing critics. During a shopping trip, critique the colors, designs, and patterns you see on clothes. • Play magnet art. Visit a museum together and walk toward the first painting that really catches your eye (draws you to it like a magnet). Let each family member explain what they like about the painting they chose.

ether talk tog : s with your child us sc di to ns io Quest ic, art, enjoy most: mus u yo do ch hi W • e? Why? theater, or danc try that would you like to es iti tiv ac t ha W • tried before? you have never ts more corporate the ar in e w n ca ow H • into our lives?

• Incorporate the discipline of art. Have your child take music or art lessons. Have the family gather around the piano or guitar once a week and sing. Or make time daily to sing, rap, dance, do an art project, or do a humorous creative skit. • Welcome the “noise” your child makes when practicing an instrument—treasure the moments when you can hear her or him being creative.

time to g ether

Three way s to enhan ce theatrical training wit music, art, or h your chil Set aside d: an arts ar ea in your home. Kee pc paint, glue onstruction paper, , string, sc iss other crea tive supplie ors, and s Show your on hand. ch done and s ild art that you’ve ho interests. D w her or him your oing so ma y inspire your child. Explore the ar culture tha t and music of a t is dif fere nt from yours.

1. 2. 3.

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The Power of Music

ip : Quick T ways to ide fun v o r p s t ild. The ar your ch h t i w t connec

“M

usic should be prized as an invaluable way to boost human brain power,” says Frances Rauscher, Ph.D., a

Helpful Hints

research psychologist. She and her colleagues at the University of California, Irvine, have found these positive effects of music: • Children who received eight months of music lessons had a 46% improvement in reasoning skills; kids who didn’t take lessons had only a 6% increase. • Kids who listened to 10 minutes of Mozart before a test had higher scores than students who sat in silence or listened to relaxation tapes.

➠

Tips that make bringing out the artist in your child easier: • Play music when your child is around. Expose her or him to different sounds such as light jazz, classical, rock, hip-hop, and country. • Emphasize that the importance of participating in the arts is enjoyment, not necessarily becoming the greatest performer. • Display your child’s artwork at home or work—maybe even the local library. • Bring out the writer in your child. Begin an ongoing story. Write an opening line on a piece of paper placed in a busy area of your home so others can make additions.

The Challenge Of the four constructive-time-use assets, this is the one fewest young people have. Only 16% of boys and 24% of girls have this asset. Are we limiting arts involvement only to those who have the most obvious talent?

More Hel p for Pare nts Growin

g Up Creative : Nurturing a Teresa M. Amab Lifetime of Cre ile gives practic ativity by al, helpful tips your child’s crea on how to dev tivity. (Publish elop ed by Creative Foundation.) Education

FiNaL WoRD “Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about.” —Jalal-Uddin Rumi This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

ideas for par nt

Newsletter #23

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #18: Youth Programs Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they spend three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or school and/or community organizations.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Youth programs” is one of four constructive-useof-time assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United State during the 1999–2000 school year.

E Is for Essential

e s

I

t’s appropriate that the word “extracurricular” starts with the letter E. But the word should be “essential-

curricular” rather than “extracurricular.” In fact, they’re so important many schools are starting to call them “cocurricular” activities. To many young people, youth programs at school and in the community are the highlight of their day. They meet new people who share their interests or introduce them to new ones. They spend time with adults who enjoy the activity. And they boost their skills. But that’s not all these activities do. They can help children channel aggressive behavior. In addition, researcher Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., says extracurricular activities provide these benefits: • Unique learning opportunities—Young people get to learn new skills that their academic courses rarely teach. Children get the chance to exercise their initiative and independence. • Teamwork emphasis—A spirit of cooperation is encouraged, since most afterschool programs are group activities.

Helpful Hints for Detecting Overload Activities through youth programs are important, but kids can get too busy with them. These signs may indicate your child has activity burnout. Watch when your child: • Has little time to relax, hang out, and have fun. • Seems unhappy. • Often complains about being tired or ill. • Struggles to concentrate. • Becomes more irritable. • Wants to drop out of everything.

• Educational interests—Often, young people who aren’t particularly interested in academics get turned on to a subject through an after-school activity. • Connections to caring adults—People who supervise after-school activities develop important relationships with kids. Young people often turn to a coach or adviser if they have concerns or problems. • Opportunities to meet new friends—Afterschool activities create another way for young people to meet new friends, to develop more relationships.

time to g ether

Three way s to get yo ur child in in youth p volved rograms: Ask your s chool or co mm center for a list of aft unity er-school activities. D iscuss opti o ns with your child . Consider h elp a new club ing your child start (s or skatebo uch as photography ard interest do ing) if one of esn’t exist. Find out how to get (o Model havin r be) an adviser. g activity” y an “extracurricular ourself. If they time, paren ts should a have lso hobbies or activities th have at they do outside of a job and/o r home.

1. 2. 3.

Next page

ether talk tog ild: uss with your ch Questions to disc ber of el about the num volved fe u yo do ow H in • you’re currently youth programs lance in? good sense of ba a t ge e w n ca • How time, ograms, family between youth pr and school? nging to a enjoy about belo u yo do t ha W • , or sport? club, organization ht you be interested es mig them? • Which activiti arn more about le e w n ca ow H in?

ip : Quick T ms rogra Youth p s many ld a can bui ssets. as 23 a

5 Keys to Youth Programs

“E

xtracurricular activities help children discover who they are and what they like to do,” says author Diana Townsend-Butterworth. She gives these five

tips for balancing school and other youth programs:

1 2 3 4 5

Be clear about your priorities. School comes first. Activities are second. Find out more before your child jumps in. How much practice time is involved? Is your child a good match for this activity? Examine activities on an ongoing basis. Do they fit with your family schedule? Are they meeting your child’s needs? Encourage activities that focus on fun or healthy competition, especially during the elementary and middle school years. Help your child find a balance so that he or she isn’t scheduled from morning to night.

More Help for Parents

FiNaL WoRD

Walking Your Talk: Building Assets in Organizations That Serve Youth by Neal Starkman. This book shows how youth organizations can use assets daily. (Published by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828.)

“How adolescents spend their out-of-school time affects their success in school and their future.” —Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #24

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

What Congregations Offer

ASSET #19:

A

Religious Community Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they spend one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Religious community” is one of four constructive-use-oftime assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

lthough talking about religion can be very sensitive, especially in public schools, Search Institute researchers found that young people who are involved in a religious congregation are more likely to grow up healthy than kids who aren’t involved.

Other research has uncovered similar findings. In fact, research suggests that religious institutions help young people develop in healthy ways in at least three areas: They reduce risky behaviors—Although young people who are involved in congregations can be found smoking, drinking, or engaging in other risky behaviors, researchers found that their levels of at-risk behavior are lower than among kids who aren’t active in congregations.

1

2

They help build a values base—Religious institutions strongly emphasize positive values. That’s why it’s important to choose a congregation wisely. When you find a congregation that emphasizes what your family values, your kids are more likely to internalize these values and make responsible decisions. They expose young people to more people—Many community programs attract people of one age or one interest. A congregation attracts people of all ages with all kinds of interests and skills. Your child can meet other caring adults and young people who share similar values.

3

Promoting Assets Search Institute researchers compared kids who were active in congregations with kids who weren’t active and found some big differences in the percentage of 6th- to 12th-grade youth who have these assets: 60% Service to others 36% 67% Youth programs 45% 55%

Restraint 33% Positive peer influence

46% 30% Active

time to g ether

Three way s to encou rage religio involvemen us t: With your child, visit va congregati ons. Includ rious e your chil in decision d sa to be involv bout how and where ed Work faith . and spiritu ality into your daily life best fit wit . Choose ways that h your valu es traditions, and cultur , e. Have a fam ily meeting about your to talk family’s re ligious involvemen t. What do es e person like or not like? ach

1. 2. 3.

Inactive

Next page

Spirituality in the Family amily spirituality and religion. The Minnesota Family

F

Strength Project asked parents of various cultural groups about these topics. Below are some of their comments.

talk

tog ether

ild: uss with your ch Questions to disc regation ng el about our co fe u yo do ow H gation)? • attend a congre t n’ do e w at th (or vities are in religious acti ed lv vo in ow H you • up to? The kids ok lo u yo ds ki the avoid? rience ost positive expe m ur yo as w t ost • Wha mmunity? The m in a religious co negative?

ip : Quick T member in a e ote the an activ Become gation to promchild. congre being of your well-

1 2

“I don’t think a family can be strong without being spiritual.” —African American parent

3

“When there is no religion, there is no family harmony. So religion is an important part of family harmony.” —Somali parent

4

“Good morals, values, faith, go to church, living a good clean life keeps the family healthy.” —Chicano/Latino parent

“In my arts and crafts [making dream catchers], I think about spirituality, the ancestors…I feel that spirituality within myself. It makes me want to practice more of my culture so I can build strength.” —American Indian parent

More Help for P arents 10 Principles for Spiritu al Parenting: Nurturin g Your Child’s Soul by MiMi Doe with Ma rsha Walch, Ph.D., contain s exercises and practical suggestions to help express spirituality in the family. (Published by Harper Pe rennial.)

FiNaL WoRD

“Most of the people I know who have what I want—which is to say, purpose, heart, balance, gratitude, joy—are people with a deep sense of spirituality.”—Anne Lamott This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #25

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #20: Time at Home Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they go out “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Time at home” is one of four constructive-useof-time assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Finding Your Way

L

ife isn’t always easy to navigate.

Work, school, activities, people, and other things can at times pull family members apart rather than bring them together. Too often, we feel as if everyone is traveling on a different road. But we don’t necessarily have to change our road maps radically in order to find family time. All we need to do is to get together and ask these questions: • How do we feel about our schedules? Our time together? • How can we better balance our individual commitments and our family time? • Is anyone having their time use determined by others? (For example,

ether time tog home

prove time at Three ways to im with your child: ce issues such as Some families fa ce, or emotional alcoholism, violen the case, home is abuse. If this is od for children. If not especially go oblems, be you have these pr get help. courageous and that the family Choose an activity d recreation at can do for fun an g each week. home one evenin time based on Grade your family ten do you of the fun factor. How fun together? Have laugh together? each other? Enjoy being with

1.

2. 3.

sometimes a child may have lots of time alone because others are busy.) • How can we make home time more appealing? • How can we steer our family more in the same direction rather than opposite directions?

Time at the Table

I

t’s an old idea but a good one: a great way for families to spend time at home together is to gather around the table for a meal. Asked

how many times a week all the people in their household ate dinner together, 22% of surveyed youth said none or one, 32% said two to four times, and 45% said five to seven times. But the picture changes as youth grow older: 60% of 6th graders have meals with the whole household five to seven times a week, but only 29% of 12th graders do the same. How often do you gather the whole household at suppertime? Ask your teenagers for ideas about making meals worth staying home for! Next page

talk

10 Ideas for Fun Times at Home

r e t h e og

t

d: your chil h it w s s e u e time w s to disc Question you feel about th a family? o as e • How d gether at home e at hom o t im d t r u o spen ake an we m be • How c pealing? k should more ap time do you thin rricular uch tracu • How m home? Doing ex l things? spent at Doing other socia ? activities Why?

ip : Quick T and f the TV Turn of w much o watch h uddenly ls ’l u o time y r. discove

12

3

1. Rent a funny movie one weekday night. Make popcorn. 5 2. Have a family snowball, leaf, or soap suds fight. 3. Camp inside. Set up a tent or just pile sleeping 10 bags on the living room floor. 4. Listen to the music that each family member likes and learn something about the performer. 5. Read the Sunday comics together. 6. Invite your child’s friends over and treat them well. 7. Have a family treasure hunt complete with map and clues. 8. Hide fun notes for others to find. 9. Have a family breakfast in the sleepiest member’s bed. 10. Cook dinner together, each family member preparing a dish. Then, for a change, eat dessert first.

4

6 78 9

More H elp For Parents 303 Great Id eas

for Familie ideas on ho s by Phyllis w to enjoy y Pellman Go our time to od and Merl Books.) gether as a e Good lists family. (Pub lished by Go od

FiNaL WoRD

“There is nothing like staying home for real comfort.” —Jane Austen

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

ideas for par nt

Newsletter #26

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Commitment to Learning The more your child is committed to learning, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Feed my interests.” •“Respect my choices and allow me to devote time to school.” •“Help me treat school as if it is my job.”

Encouraging Children to Love Learning

W

e’re turning the corner. In 1983, the National Commission on Excellence in Education said that our nation’s schools were in trouble. “The

educational foundations of our society are presently being eroded by a rising tide of mediocrity that threatens our very future as a Nation and a people,” the committee reported. But recent studies by the National Center for Education Statistics found promising changes, including: • More students are taking high-level courses. • Fewer high school students are dropping out. • Scores in math and science have improved. • A higher percentage of young people are going to college after graduation. As a nation, we are making a firm commitment to education. Our job as parents is to encourage our children to value learning and make a personal commitment to it. How do we do that, especially when many kids say school is boring or no fun? Most important is to be a role model. Show your child your enthusiasm about learning new skills and information. Remember that learning

doesn’t happen only in school. Encourage and support children to find things that get them excited about learning—and provide opportunities (in school and elsewhere) to help them develop those interests further. By doing so, you’ll get your child excited about learning and committed to education.

5 Key Areas of a Commitment to Learning

Quick

Tip : Choos thing to e one new your ch learn, and let ild o learnin bserve your g proce ss.

Search Institute researchers have identified five assets in the area of commitment to learning that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check your child’s areas of strength: ❑ Achievement motivation—Your child is motivated to do well in school. ❑ School engagement—Your child is actively engaged in learning. ❑ Homework—Your child reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. ❑ Bonding to school—Your child cares about her or his school. ❑ Reading for pleasure—Your child reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

Watch for five more newsletters on encouraging a commitment to learning in your child. Next page

Learning through the Years Age

Ways to Encourage a Commitment to Learning

• Read picture books with bright colors to your baby daily. • Show how pleased you are when your baby learns new skills. • Give new, interesting things to your baby to look at, such as toys in different colors, shapes, and sizes. 2-3 • Make a game for your child to learn names of objects. • Read to your child. • Sing when you do simple chores. 4-5 • Encourage writing with magnetic letters, crayons, and fingerpaint. • Keep a box of dress-up clothes for your child to play with. • Visit libraries, zoos, museums. 6-10 • Let your child read to you every day as he or she learns to read. • Help homework become a part of your child’s evening routine. • Ask your child “what if” questions to help her or him look at the world in a different way. 11-15 • Encourage your child to collect things he or she gets excited about. Contribute to the collection. • Help your child learn how to study with a friend. • Find creative ways to help your child link her or his interests with school subjects. 16-18 • Place more emphasis on lifetime learning—not just graduation. • Encourage your teenager to listen to her or his heart. Help your teenager connect what’s in her or his heart to career interests. • Help your teenager think about future goals, and the discipline and boundaries required to reach them. • Visit colleges with your teenager to get her or him excited and connected to her or his future.

Ways You Can Make a Difference

0-1

12 3

Find at least one small way to become involved in your child’s school. In the process, you will: 1. Detect small problems before they become big. 2. Make a teacher’s day. (The #2 teacher frustration— after salary—is parental indifference.) 3. Show your child you care about her or him.

p For More Hel ts’ Parents rners: A Paren

ng Lea Raising Lifelo lkins and McCormick Ca cy Lu by e id u parents G book shows how is h T o. lin el B ia 's skills Lyd pport children su d an e at br le ers in can ce d lifelong learn an , rs te ri w s, as reader s Publishing.) ished by Perseu bl u (P s. d el fi l al

should be the process of helping everyone to discover FiNaL WoRD “Education his/her uniqueness.”—Leo Buscaglia This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #27

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #21: Achievement Motivation Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they are motivated to do well in school.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Achievement motivation” is one of five commitment-tolearning assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

The Benefits of Motivation from the Inside Out

W

hen you leave your child alone, what does he or she usually do?

What if you disconnected the refrigerator, the television, the telephone, and the computer? Children motivated from the inside out choose activities based on something inside of them that gets them excited. On the other hand, children who choose to hang out with friends or get bored when they are alone are typically motivated from the outside in. They want someone to tell them what to do or give them ideas, and are motivated by rewards and structure. Schools usually work the second way: from the outside in. Teachers assign homework, tests, and papers. Success is based on a system of rewards like grades or special privileges. In this kind of setting, students aren’t often encouraged to pursue their own interests, be creative, or take the initiative. Getting any child motivated to do well in school can be tricky, especially one who is more interested in other things. If you use tactics such as promising money, rewards, or praise, some young people will find the fastest, easiest route to getting by—and then may go on to something else. If you can encourage your child to feel motivated from the inside, then you’ll launch a lifetime of

ther e o g t k a l t :

ild uss with your ch Questions to disc hich about school ? W el fe u yo do • How n more u excited to lear subjects are yo about? Why? attitudes toward s’ nd ie fr ur yo e • What ar school ? more you enjoy school • How can I help cceed ? and help you su

learning. A child who is motivated from the inside out: • Loses track of time while learning. • Discovers new things about her- or himself in the process. • Has fun while learning. • Enjoys the challenge of figuring out a difficult subject or concept. • Is curious about subjects. • Chooses learning experiences when many options for activities are given. • Takes delight in learning new things.

time tog et her

Three ways to he lp your child be come motivated to do well in school: Tap into your ch ild’s interests an d passions. Try to connect those with what he or she is learning in school. Encourage your child to do her or his best, but leav e room for mistakes. Don’t expe Don’t wait for re ct perfection. port cards. Mak e contact with your child’s teachers about her or his progress.

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Your Role in Your Child’s Motivation

“A

dults and children alike become more interested in what they are doing when they get straightforward feedback about how they are doing,” says Alfie Kohn, author of Punished byRewards. Kohn says

we should help our children develop self-determination, and he encourages parents to ask themselves these questions: • When you comment on your child’s schoolwork, are you helping her or him feel in control? • Are you helping your child make her or his own judgments about what’s good performance? • Whose agenda are you promoting:yours or your child’s? • Do your comments encourage your child to become more involved in the subject? • Who does your child want to please most?You, the teacher, or her- or himself?

More Hel p for Pare nts Un

locking Your Child’s Learnin g Potential: How to Equip Kids to Succee d in School and Life by Cheri Fu ller. T his book discusses diffe learning styles rent and how to hel p children mak most of their st e the rengths. (Publis hed by NavPres s.)

Quick Tip:

t tions high bu Keep expecta realistic.

What Helps and What Hurts?

➠

➠

Researchers at California State University writing in the Journal of Educational Psychology have found ways to motivate (or stop motivating) your child:

MOTIVATES

DISCOURAGES

• Give opportunities to keep your child from getting bored. • Help out when school work gets hard for your child. • Encourage your child to enjoy and be persistent in doing homework. • Help your child be independent. • Encourage your child to accomplish tasks.

• Get angry. • Use threats. • Give extra privileges. • Take away certain privileges. • Expect your child to try. • Reward. • Punish.

FiNaL WoRD

“Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.”—Stephen R. Covey This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #28

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #22: School Engagement Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they are actively engaged in learning.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

The Power of Learning

Y

oung people may be surprised by where their learning and their interests can lead.

A 13-year-old loved playing with children. She often organized play groups on her neighborhood block, and she enjoyed home economics, human development, and art at school. When she turned 16 and wanted to work part time, her parents and her teachers encouraged her to apply to the city parks and recreation department. As a parks and recreation coordinator, she found she could earn money and do what she enjoyed best: being and playing with kids. The next summer, she learned clowning and traveled from park to park on her bike to entertain kids. The following year, she teamed up with two other creative high school students to design a puppet wagon for the parks and recreation department. Soon other cities were interested in creating a puppet program like the one these three young women had developed. As first-year college students, they spoke to these

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “School engagement” is one of five commitment-tolearning assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Helpful Hints Tips that help your child stay involved at school: • Help your child be alert by getting enough sleep, eating well, and coping with difficulties. • Set expectations for learning at school. • Attend school conferences, performances, and other events. • Talk with your child every day about what is happening in school. • Make your home an engaging learning place.

communities and showed them how to get a program started. These opportunities gave the youth chances to see how learning relates to every aspect of life and how it even affects career possibilities. In fact, one member of the group majored in child development in college, and opened a daycare center after she graduated. Another runs programs in an inner-city YMCA. A third enjoyed writing scripts so much, she became a writer.

time tog et her Three ways to he lp your child st ay interested in sc hool: Ask what other learning options are available at school. Are ther e special classes, programs, or minicourses to take? Your child may show interest in certain subjects . Find one that sparks her or hi s curiosity and build on that. Involve your child in hobbies and interests that yo u enjoy.

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Take a Learning Risk

E • •

•

• •

ach day is a new beginning, a new day to learn. So try some of the following activities: Watch a subtitled foreign movie together. Sit with your child and explore a Web site on a topic that is new to her or him—Buddhism, architecture, economics. Together listen to music that you have never experienced before—Brazilian, samba, New Orleans jazz. Read a book together on a subject you know nothing about. Practice new forms of exercise together such as yoga or tae kwon do.

Quick Tip: Home learnin g excitement leads to school engage ment.

Form a Partnership Think of your child’s teacher(s) and yourself as partners in your child’s education. Work together to ensure that learning is stimulating and engaging at school and at home.

ther e o g t k a t l :

ild uss with your ch Questions to disc u? yo t is learning to • How importan about in ly like learning al re u yo do t • Wha school? Why? e ake learning mor • How can we m venturesome? ad interesting and

More Help for P arents Your Child’s Growing Mi nd: A Guide to Learning and Brain Development from Bi rth to Adolescence by Jane M. Healy. This resource gives tips for guiding your child’s lea rning from birth through the teen ye ars. (Published by Main Str eet Books.)

FiNaL WoRD “Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.” —Anthony J. D’Angelo This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #29

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #23: Homework Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they report doing at least one hour of homework every school day.

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of yo by surveyed Search have Institute t in this asse s.* their live

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Homework” is one of five commitment-tolearning assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Homework Helpers

e s

T

he most you may hear about homework from your child is that he or she hates it, doesn’t have any, or has too much of it the night before a test. But it’s more likely

that your child is actually lacking in some essential homework skills. Judy Dodge, author of The Study Skills Handbook and a study-skills consultant, says young people need o incorporate three key skills to do homework well. 1. Organizational skills—Young people need to develop ways to ensure that homework can be worked on, such as finding a homework site, creating a homework filing system, and using visual organizers. 2. Time management skills— Children should set a consistent time to study, eliminate distractions, get proper sleep, take needed breaks, and accurately project how long an assignment will take. 3. Study strategy skills—Children need to know and use a variety of learning strategies, such as rewriting, drawing, memorizing aloud, and making flash cards. In addition, Dodge suggests young people create a daily homework checklist that includes: • Carefully copying the homework assignment from the teacher’s instructions. • Bringing home all materials needed from school. • Beginning to study at a set time. • Putting all their effort into doing the homework well. • Placing the homework near the door to take back to school the next day. Once children get the hang of homework basics, then they can become more creative with their study strategies. Keep encouraging them to stick with it.

time to g ether

Four ways to help you r her or his homework child improve s k ills: Plan dinne r and othe r fa events aro und your c mily hild’s homework sch Make a stu edule. dy corner. Use the same plac e such as a table, couch, or c ha child revie ir for helping your w material before a test. Encourage your child to with other students w study hen appropriate . Make a po int child’s finis to look over your hed homew ork.

1. 2. 3. 4.

Quick Tip: to read or study Encourage your child or she doesn’t something—even if he have homework.

A challenge . . . Only 45% of boys have this asset, compared with 59% of girls. Next page

How You Can Help Helping your child with homework may be difficult for some parents. If it isn’t easy for you, try anyway. You don’t have to teach your child the answer. The important thing is for your child to learn how to find the answer. If they watch you learn, they learn, too. Don’t be afraid to talk with teachers if your child seems to be getting more homework than he or she can handle. Consider the possiblility of starting a rotating “Homework House” in your neighborhood. Each day a different home can provide space, encouragement, and help with homework.

tal k tog e ther Questions to d iscuss with you r child: • At what time of day is it ea si est for you to study: morn ing, afternoon, or evening? Why? • What are the benefits of doin g homework? • Is it distractn g or helpful to play music? Is certain musi c better?

Creating a Homework Haven Children need a place of their own when it comes to doing homework. Setting up a homework area will

encourage your child to study on a regular basis. • Find a space away from distractions—including television noise and people talking on the phone. • The area should include a chair, a lamp, and a sturdy writing surface. • Make sure all necessary materials are available, such as pencils, paper, a dictionary, computer equipment (if available), and all the materials needed from school for the assignment. • Include a basic personal reference library: a dictionary, thesaurus, almanac, desktop encyclopedia, and atlas.

FiNaL WoRD

More Help for Parents The Homework Handbook: Practical Advice You Can Use Tonight to Help Your Child Succeed Tomorrow by Harriett Cholden, M.Ed., and John Friedman, Ph.D., has many ideas on common homework problems. (Published by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books.) How to Be School Smart: Super Study Skills by Elizabeth James, Carol James, and Carol Barkin contains commonsense advice on how to organize and carry out schoolwork. (Published by Beech Tree Books.)

“The more you study, the more you find out you don’t know, but the more you study, the closer you come.” —Cozy Cole

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #30

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #24: Bonding to School Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they care about their school.

54%th

of you d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Bonding to school” is one of five commitment-tolearning assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

School Staying Power

W

hat’s the difference between those who drop out of school and those who stay? Researchers Laurence

Steinberg, Bradford Brown, Sanford Dornbusch, and Christopher Cross have identified three factors that cause young people to feel disconnected from their schools. They are • disinterest, • boredom, and • lack of connection. Those who stay in school and do well have the opposite experience. They like it there. They have people who enjoy seeing them every day and who miss them when they’re absent. They have families and friends who are proud of what they do there. They have fun and enjoy learning at school; they are stimulated and challenged. Their school is accessible to parents and people of color. In essence, school is a good place for them to be. Are these the better-funded schools? Not necessarily. “The real reason for the failure of our schools lies not in absent dollars, but in our own willingness to sit around in despair,” writes Mary Susan Miller, Ph.D., in Save Our Schools. “Tucked away in pockets throughout the country are schools in which wonderful things are happening. Pennies from heaven haven’t rained into their budgets, but they have found ways to work around the shortfall.” Miller suggests that parents can make a big difference in improving schools and making them caring places for young people. “Let’s face it, schools have a lot more parents than teachers and administrators,” she says. “If you think your child isn’t getting the education

your child deserves, sound your voice and flex your muscle through an organized parent group. You’d be amazed at how parents have turned schools around.”

time tog ether Three ways to help your child bond to school: Set up a school bulletin bo ard in a prominent place in your home. Hang up the school calenda r and school notices. Meet once a month to choose which sc hool activities to attend as a fam ily. Call the school and see if you can subscribe to the scho ol newspaper through the ma il. When it arrives, read and discuss it with your child. Make supportive signs for big events.

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5 Ways to Show the School You Care

12

r

Questions to d iscuss with you r child: • Overall, do y ou care about 1. Make “care packages” for teachers, janitors, the principal, y our school? Why or why n ot? and others who work at the school. Include treats, notes of • What makes you proudest of appreciation, and other small symbols of care. your school? 2. Show up at conferences. • How could you help make you 3. Think of ways to boost school spirit. One idea is to hold a r school a better place fo r a ll y ou n g contest for creating a school slogan or designing a school people?

With your child:

3

4

tal k tog e the

5

symbol.

4. Write thank-you notes, leave voice-mail messages, or send email notes when you’re pleased about something at your child’s school. 5. Send a note to teachers the first week of school. In it, tell them about your child and explain that you want to be involved.

Liking School If your child does not like school, ask her or him why. Help your child work to solve the problem, so he or she is more able to enjoy school.

FiNaL WoRD

Talk and Share Part of bonding to school involves knowing that someone in school cares about you. Tell your child about one adult and one peer in your school that cared about you when you were in school. Ask your child which adults and which friends at school he or she likes best and why.

More Help for Parents Boxed In and Bored. This report examines how many middle schools fail young people and what good middle schools do right. (Published by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828.)

“All the research on dropout prevention can be boiled down to one thing: Young people are more likely to stay in school and do well if they like it there.” —Peter C. Scales, Ph.D., researcher and author of Boxed In and Bored This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #31

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #25: Reading for Pleasure Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they read for pleasure three or more hours per week.

23o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Reading for pleasure” is one of five commitment-tolearning assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year..

The Realities of Reading

“R

eading is a basic skill,” says the Commission on Reading in Becoming a Nation of Readers.

“It is a cornerstone for a child’s success in school and, indeed, throughout life.” While we understand the importance of literacy, why is it important for young people—in fact, all people—to read for pleasure? The Commission on Reading contends that reading for fun teaches young people how to become strategic, skilled readers. When researchers D. L. Forrest and T. G. Wallace asked 3rd and 6th graders to read two stories, one for fun and one as a preparation for a test, they found that skilled readers read the two stories differently than the unskilled readers. The skilled readers remembered more of the story that was to be read for the test than the unskilled readers. What was different? Skilled readers know there are different reasons for reading. They know they must change the way they read, depending on the circumstances. For example, skilled readers know that reading for pleasure

Helpful Hints Tips that encourage reading for pleasure: • Keep comic books, newspapers, and magazines lying around the house. • Set aside a family reading time once a week. With younger children, read aloud together. With older children, read different books while hanging out together. • Read something yourself. Explain how it gives you pleasure while helping you learn about life and the world. • For birthdays and holidays, give each other books and magazine subscriptions as gifts.

does not require an understanding of all the details, whereas reading for a test may. Skilled readers also were more likely to ask questions when they didn’t understand something they read, go to a dictionary for words they didn’t know, and take notes on what they were reading. Skilled readers also were more likely to say that reading was fun. According to Search Institute, those who have the reading asset in their lives read for pleasure three or more hours per week. That equals about 26 minutes a day. How can you encourage your child—and each family member—to take the time to read for pleasure?

time tog ether Three ways to help your ch ild read for pleasure: Visit the library together on a regular basis. If your child doesn’t have a library card , help her or him apply for one. Start a home library. If yo u don’t have room, encourage all family members to start a perso nal library in their bedrooms. Create a book-a-month clu b. Have everyone in the family rea d the same book. Then discuss it.

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Make Reading Fun • Have a monthly author celebration. Write to the marketing department of the author’s publisher and request biographies, photos, and other things they might have. Find out more about different authors in Something about the Author, published by Gale Research and found in the reference section at your local library. • When your family wants to see a movie based on a book, read the book first, then see the movie. Afterward you can compare the two. • Read books aloud to children in your neighborhood, school, congregation, or child care. • Turn off the TV and curl up on the couch together to read a good book.

A Place to Curl Up Transform a corner of a room into a cozy reading area. Place pillows and blankets in the area along with baskets full of reading material and a good light.

Quick Tip: Read the sam e book your ch ild is assigned.

ether talk tog :

ild uss with your ch Questions to disc for fun? g currently readin u yo e ar t ha W t it? • u like best abou yo do t ha W ? Why book? all-time favorite ur yo is t ha W • Why? reading? like best about u yo do t ha W •

More Help for P arents Free Reading Brochure s. Check out the Internati onal Reading Association’s Web site at www. reading.org. The Reading Environm ent: How Adults Help Ch ildren Enjoy Books by Aidan Chambe rs. This handbook provide s a checklist of practices to create and nu rture a reading environme nt for children. (Published by Ste nhouse Publishers.)

FiNaL WoRD

“I never got an A in more than one class in a semester. But I loved reading nonfiction because it made me feel smart.” —Tom Hanks

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #32

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Positive Values The more your child develops positive values that guide her or his behavior, the more likely he or she is to make positive choices and grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Don’t just ‘tolerate’ people who are different from you, accept them.” •“Good families teach good values.” •“Talk about the things that mean something to you.”

The Importance of Values

V

alues shape our relationships, our behaviors, our choices, and our sense of who we are. The more positive our

values, the more positive our actions. By helping our children develop positive values and modeling positive behavior based on values, we: • Help them listen to their conscience. • Build their integrity. • Encourage them to help others. • Help them become independent. • Encourage their ability to tell right from wrong. • Give them a way to figure out how to be happy. “The values you teach your children are their best protection from the influences of peer pressure and the temptations of

6 Key Areas of Positive Values

consumer culture,” say Richard and Linda Eyre, authors of Teaching Your Children Values. “With their own values clearly defined, your children can make their own decisions— rather than imitate their friends or the Qu latest fashions.” Think a ick Tip: act. You bout how you r ac your tru tions reveal e values .

Search Institute researchers have identified six positivevalues assets that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check the areas of strength in your child’s life. ❑ Caring—Your child places high value on helping other people. ❑ Equality and social justice—Your child places high value on promoting equality and ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

reducing hunger and poverty. Integrity—Your child acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs. Honesty—Your child “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” Responsibility—Your child accepts and takes personal responsibility. Restraint—Your child believes it’s important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs. Upcoming issues of Ideas for Parents address all six positive-values assets. Next page

Teaching Values through the Years Age

Your Family Values

Ways to Teach Values

• Hold your baby. Smile at your baby. Love your baby. • Create a caring atmosphere in your home. • Determine your family’s values now. Model these values and teach them as your child grows. 2-3 • When you vote, take your child along. Explain in simple language what you’re doing. • Find easy ways your child can care for others, such as giving hugs. • Notice and comment when your child acts in caring ways. 4-5 • Have your child help you sort items you no longer use and donate them to a worthy cause. • Give your child a simple task he or she can do for others. • Teach your child how to care for a special toy, an animal, or a plant. 6-10 • Participate in family service activities. • Teach your child about people who value and model integrity. • Together write thank-you notes whenever your child receives a gift. 11-15 • Watch television or read books together and discuss the values presented. • Together interact in caring, responsible ways with younger children. • Build a bird feeder together and have your young teen keep it filled with bird food. 16-18 • Agree that you’ll disagree respectfully. • Encourage your teenager to volunteer with at least one organization. • Together write letters to Congress advocating for or against pending legislation.

Values help children grow into independent, confident, caring people. What are your family values? Here are a few possibilities to get you started. Add other ideas and determine which 10 values are most important to your family.

0-1

❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

Honesty Love Loyalty Equality Devotion Responsibility Respect Dependability Kindness Self-control Compassion

❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑ ❑

Moderation Friendliness Promise keeping Self-reliance Social justice Sensitivity Mercy Self-discipline Peacemaking Courage

p for More Hel Parents

lues by Linda r Children Va u Yo g in ch a Te provides Eyre. T his book d ar h ic R d an Eyre to help e ideas on how age-appropriat ished by op values. (Publ your child devel Fireside.)

FiNaL WoRD “When we perform acts of kindness, we get a wonderful feeling inside.” —Rabbi Harold Kushner, Ph.D. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #33

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #26: Caring Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they place high value on helping other people.

50yo% uth

of d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Caring” is one of six positivevalues assets.

* Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Caring Begins at Home

O

ne family decided to show an elderly widow that they cared about her by cleaning up her yard and planting flowers. The five children

were so excited about the idea, they told their friends. On the day of the project, 15 kids showed up to help. The parents had to ask neighbors to help drive everyone to the woman’s home. After completing the project, the young people decided to start what they called the Kids Care Club and began planning their next event. This time, 25 kids showed up. They packed bag lunches (and decorated them) for a soup kitchen. Since then, the Kids Care Club has been a model for other families, neighborhoods, communities, congregations, and schools. You can start your own Kids Care Club in your family with one small project. Then register your club with the National Kids Care Clubs. Write a letter explaining why you want to help others and send it to Kids Care Clubs, 975 Boston Post Rd., Darien, CT 06820. You will receive newsletters that include ideas from other young people who are doing acts of caring.

The Definition of Caring Caring about others includes caring for a lot of different people: those in your family, neighborhood, school, community, state, country, and world. It can include caring for animals and the environment, too.

Who Cares? According to Search Institute researchers, girls are much more likely than boys to value caring. Of the girls surveyed, 84% said helping other people was important to them, and 76% said it was important to help make the world a better place. For boys, the percentages were 66% and 62%, respectively.

Quick Tip: A smile is a quick way to show someone you care.

time tog ether Three ways to help your child value caring: Volunteer as a family at an animal shelter, a nature ce nter, or a food bank. Visit neighbors and extende d family who live alone. Spend money on a family in need instead of each other at holiday time.

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4 Keys to Caring

C

aring includes reaching out to others and respecting the environment. Teach your child these four ways to care:

HOLD THE DOOR FOR THE PERSON AFTER YOU WHEN YOU WALK INTO SCHOOL.

SIT WITH SOMEONE ON THE BUS WHO USUALLY SITS ALONE.

COMPLIMENT AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY.

PICK UP LITTER AROUND YOUR SCHOOL OR NEIGHBORHOOD.

arents More Help for P

and Develop Care: How to Discover to ds Ki ur Yo ng hi ac Te aide. A Children by Deborah Sp ur Yo in ity ar Ch of t the Spiri spirit of caring tical ways to develop the book that suggests prac Replica Books.) in children. (Published by

FiNaL WoRD

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • How important is it for you to help other people, including siblings? Why? • When have you enjoyed helping others? What happened? • In what way would you like to help others now?

Two Types of Caring Caring for others can take place in two ways: through direct caring (which involves human interaction) and indirect caring (when we do things for people but don’t see them). It’s important for young people to be involved in both direct and indirect caring. Look at the two lists below. Where does your family put forth most of its caring energies?

Direct caring—Spending time with people needing care; interacting with others; getting direct feedback from people you’re caring for.

Indirect caring—Collecting money, food, or other items to give to people who distribute the items to those in need; hearing feedback from organizers who help the people.

“The true measure of an individual is how she/he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.”—Ann Landers This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #34

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #27: Equality and Social Justice Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they place high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Equality and social justice” is one of six positive-values assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

A World Full of Care

A

s we watch the images on television of people starving or suffering from a terrible injustice, the pictures may stir something within us. But that stirring can easily be

lost once we turn off the television and walk away. Kids who are concerned about equality and reducing hunger and poverty may or may not know what life is like for those who suffer from these conditions, but they do discover that it’s a good idea to care for people—all people. They care about people they don’t know, who live a world away and who may have many critical needs. They want to do something to make the world a better place. Trevor Ferrell was 11 years old when he saw a news story about homeless people. That evening, he begged his parents to drive him to downtown Philadelphia to hand out blankets and pillows to people with no homes to go to.

The next night, he and his family delivered hot food to people in the same neighborhood. By the time he was 16, he and his family had opened a 33-room shelter called “Trevor’s Place,” where homeless people could stay for a short time before eventually finding jobs and moving on to permanent housing. “One person can make a difference,” Ferrell says. “Just do what you can and follow your heart.”

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Girls and Boys: Different Responses Girls are much more willing than boys to promote equality and social justice, report researchers at Search Institute. Here are the percentages of boys and girls who say it is important to:

Three ways your family ca n focus on equality and social justice: As a family, discuss your views about equality and social justice. Choose one cause to follow and help. Together, write a letter to the editor about a social issue that concerns you. If you have experienced ha rdships such as being poor or going without food, tell your story . People will listen to those who speak from experience.

1.

Girls 60%

Boys 41%

Help make sure all people are treated fairly

80%

64%

Speak up for equality

81%

65%

Help reduce hunger and poverty in the world

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Questions to Ask

One way to promote equality and social justice is by giving your time, money, or talent to an organization that seeks to reduce hunger, poverty, and injustice. Before you do, however, Louis L. Knowles, author of Guide to World Hunger Organizations, suggests you find out the answers to these questions: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

What’s the organization’s purpose? What type of action does the organization do? Who’s in charge? How does the organization relate to people in need? Where does the organization’s money come from? Where does the organization’s money go? Who decides which justice projects to do?

r Parents o f p l e H e Mor lve the Social ion: How to So

Quick Tip: show s and actions rd o w r u yo t e L about those that you care who suffer.

talk tog et her

Questions to disc us • How do you fe s with your child: el w unfairly by othe hen you are treated • Which injustic rs? Why? es in the world bother you most? Why? • What can our fam hunger, and pove ily do about injustice, rty?

into e to Social Act tive T hinking a re C T he Kids’ Guid rn u T d to Choose—an volved kids how in s ow sh is Problems You w . Le n by Barbara A Spirit.) Positive Actio blished by Free u (P . se u ca r ei th get results for

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“When one helps another, both gain strength.” —Ecuadorian proverb

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #35

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #28: Integrity Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they act on their convictions and stand up for their beliefs.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Integrity” is one of six positive-values assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Acting on Beliefs Means Taking Risks

F

ifteen-year-old Ellen Bigger of Key Largo, Florida, had every reason to have strong beliefs—and not act on them.

At the age of 5, she and a group of her kindergarten classmates got caught in cross fire between a sniper high on drugs and a police SWAT team. At age 10, someone high on drugs killed her Girl Scout leader. Ellen quickly learned that drugs were harmful. She could have lived in fear and cynicism as many of the people in her community did. But Ellen didn’t want to live like that. She wanted to live what she believed—that she could make a difference. So she started a program called “Drug-Free Homes.” She printed up a brochure explaining the program and telling the danger of drugs. On the back of the brochure, she printed a pledge

Integrity Rating As a family, have each member rate the integrity of the people listed below with either a high or low mark and explain why. HIGH LOW The president or the ❑ ❑ prime minister Police officers ❑ ❑ Your family doctor(s) ❑ ❑ The media ❑ ❑ Your teacher(s) ❑ ❑ Your heroes ❑ ❑ Your religious leader(s) ❑ ❑ Your next-door ❑ ❑ neighbor(s) Your community leader(s) ❑ ❑ Your extended family ❑ ❑ members

✔

for people to sign. She then started asking people to sign up. When they did, she gave them a sticker to place on their front door or window that said: “This Is a Drug-Free Home. Every Member within Has Signed a Pledge to Live a Drug-Free Life.” Not only is Ellen an example of integrity, so is the impact of her program. “If people in the community see that even one family has a sticker up, they have the courage to sign the pledge and post a sticker on their own homes,” she says. While it may sometimes be hard for young people to stand up for their convictions, Ellen Bigger shows what can happen when young people act on what they believe.

Admit It Tell your child about a time when you stood up for something even though it was difficult to do. Explain how you felt. Then share a time when you didn’t stand up for something because you were afraid. Discuss why it’s easier to act on your convictions in some situations than others. Next page

time tog ether child build Three ways to help your integrity: about Learn to talk to your child mestic dif ficult issues such as do violence, oppression, and prejudice. Help your child s understand how these issue y. relate to her or his integrit ts on ac ild Celebrate when your ch it was a belief or conviction when anding obviously dif ficult to do. St e up for a belief may convinc . too others to believe in it, times Share with your child the ore ign to when you feel tempted your values and beliefs.

3 Steps of Integrity

“O

ne cannot have integrity without also displaying a measure of honesty,” says Stephen L. Carter in his book Integrity. Yet, he contends that integrity is more difficult than just being honest. Carter’s three steps of integrity are: 1. Take time to discern right from wrong. What do you believe? What do you value? 2. Get involved in what you believe and value. Do something about it. 3. Admit publicly what you believe and value while acting on what you say.

1.

2.

3.

Quick Tip: uilds Integrity b e. m over a lifeti

s for Parent More Help th look at the ok gives an in-dep is bo hen L. Carter. Th ublished by portant value. (P Integrity by Step im an is it hy w ity and subject of integr HarperCollins.)

talk tog et her Questions to disc uss with your ch ild: • What does in tegrity mean to our family? • When is it ea sy to act on yo ur beliefs? When is it diffic ult? Why? • What happen ed the last time you stood up for or spoke out about what you value?

FiNaL WoRD “Kids know, better than grownups, what we do is more important than what we say.” —Pete Seeger This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #36

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #29: Honesty Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they are able to tell the truth even when it is not easy.

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Acknowledging Acts of Honesty

“W

e’re home!” your teenager and his best friend say.

When you ask how the movie was, they both say great. When you ask what they saw, they each give you different answers. “You know, I’d never cheat,” your daughter once told you. But you notice that she brought home a test with a perfect score and you know she didn’t study or know the material well enough. Unfortunately, cheating and dishonesty are more prevalent in our children than we would like. In a survey of 3,370 high school students, about 9 out of 10 said that cheating is common at their school. The number one reason for cheating: It’s not a big deal. Yet according to Search Institute, honesty is a big deal. Of youth surveyed, 67% say they believe it is important to tell the truth even when it is not easy. And there’s a difference between girls and boys: 73% of girls say they value honesty, whereas only 60% of boys do. To instill the value of honesty, we need to

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Honesty” is one of six positivevalues assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Modeling Honesty Tips for modeling honesty for your child: • Correct the situation immediately when clerks give you too much change. • Be honest in talking to telemarketers. Instead of hanging up or making an excuse, just say, “No, thank you. We’re not interested.” Then hang up. • Admit when you’ve fudged the truth and apologize. • Brainstorm ways to be honest in a particularly sticky situation, such as breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

talk about it, model it, and explain why honesty is an important value. Honest people are trustworthy, sincere, and genuine people. Honesty is a value worth having.

time tog et her Three ways to he lp your child va lue honesty: Encourage each family member to make a personal commitment to tell the truth. H onestly acknowledge feel ings. Honestly admit to succes ses and mistake s. Don’t overreact when your child lies to you. Child ren will lie if they fear your reaction. Work together to come up with family rules abou t honesty and the consequences for dishonesty.

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Watch What You Do... and Say

Quick Tip: Be an example of honesty for your children .

R

esearchers Svenn Lindskold and Pamela S. Walters found that college students said some lies were more permissible than others if they saved others from embarrassment, shame, or hurt. In fact,

many people (children and adults alike) tell small lies regularly, such as saying you feel fine when you don’t, making up an excuse to get rid of someone annoying, fibbing about your age or weight, and distorting the truth so that you don’t hurt someone’s feelings. As a parent, how do you feel about these kinds of lies? What do you teach your children about honesty and lying in these situations?

When You Suspect Your Child Is Lying Don’t accuse your child. Instead, ask: “Do you think I believe you right now?” Or, “Do you think I might be struggling with believing you right now?” Give your child the opportunity to tell the truth.

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • What would you do if so meone asked you to be dishonest? • Do you find it easy or hard to be honest with yourself? Why? • Do you see dishonesty in advertising? Where? • How can we make hone sty our family policy?

arents More Help for P

es 13 s by Jonni Kincher. For ag Lie t ou ab ok Bo st ne The First Ho honesty as a ages readers to develop and up, this book encour ght-provoking amples, games, and thou ex h ug ro th lue va l na perso Free Spirit.) questions. (Published by

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“Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?” —Cicero

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #37

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Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #30: Responsibility Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they accept and take personal responsibility.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Responsibility” is one of six positive-values assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Responsibility: The 4 Keys

I

n Raising a Responsible Child, authors Don Dinkmeyer, Ph.D., and Gary D. McKay, Ph.D., point out four keys to instilling the value of responsibility in your child.

K

ey #1—Let your child do it. Too many parents do tasks for their children, instead of letting their children do them. Why? Some parents think that their children are incapable of accomplishing the task (which is true if they’re never given the opportunity to learn). Also, our busy lifestyles often keep us from taking the time to let our children learn and master skills. ey #2—Expect it to take time. The best time to teach children responsibility is when you’re not in a hurry, and you both have no pressures to be elsewhere doing other things. Children will become discouraged, selfconscious, and uncooperative when they sense they are being rushed, or are not living up to a parent’s unrealistic expectation. ey #3—Ask, don’t demand. Instill responsibility by invitation. Begin by asking your child to help you with something, such as doing laundry. Do it together. Gradually teach your child so that your child can do it by her- or himself. ey #4—Use consequences. When your child does not follow through with something that he or she is solely responsible for, stop talking and nagging. Let natural and logical consequences occur. For example, one family said each family member should take responsibility for putting their things away. Anything that wasn’t put away would be put in a box in the garage. Children gradually took responsibility for putting things away because they got tired of walking outside to

K

K K

the garage to dig through a box to find their belongings. Another important way to encourage responsibility is to model it yourself. Follow through on your commitments, especially to your child. When you can’t or don’t do something you should have, don’t make excuses. Talk with your child about how you plan to avoid getting into a similar situation in the future.

time tog ether Three ways to help your ch ild become more responsible: When you make a commitm ent, follow through. If possible, deliver even more than you promi se. Create a chart of family ch ores, listing everyone’s respons ibilities, including yours. Don’t rescue your child if he or she has done something wr ong. Let your child accept respo nsibility and face the conseque nces.

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Quick Tip: Be responsible on a daily basis.

Your Job as Parent As a parent, give realistic responsibilities to your child. Take time to teach them, and don’t nag or rescue them when they “forget.” Instead, create a home environment that allows children to identify new ways they can succeed in being responsible so that they can try again.

talk tog ether your child: Questions to discuss with take responsibility • What do you currently for? Why? n’t follow through • What happens if you do on responsibilities? rn new • How can we help you lea ing you too responsibilities without giv many?

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Building on Responsibility

T

eenagers and young adults don’t magically become responsible overnight. It takes time for young

people to learn to value and take responsibility. Break down responsibilities and build on them as young people master each step. For example, you probably want your child to take responsibility eventually for the cleanliness of her or his room. • At age five or six, negotiate a weekly time when you and your child clean up the room together. • After your child masters that, have a weekly time when family members each clean up their own rooms. Periodically check your child’s progress during this time. • After your child masters that, have family members take responsibility for cleaning up their rooms on a weekly basis without having a set time. • After your child masters that, ask if family members are ready to take responsibility for keeping their rooms clean without being reminded. If so, do this.

More Help for P arents Pick Up Your Socks . . . and Other Skills Grow ing Children Need by Elizabeth Crary discusses the many aspe cts of responsibility at different age lev els. (Published by Simon and Schuster.)

“The more you let your child do for himself [herself], the more capable he [she] will feel.” —Robert Butterworth, Ph.D. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #38

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

Restraint: A Key Asset

ASSET #31: Restraint

S

Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they believe it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Restraint” is one of six positive-values assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

ex, alcohol, and other drugs are topics many parents would prefer to avoid. But shaping our kids’

perspectives on these issues builds an important foundation for their healthy development. Not only do their values influence their behavior, but also these same values can influence many of the choices they make. Search Institute research has found that valuing restraint is an important asset for reducing involvement in many different risky behaviors. In fact, researchers found that 9th to 12th graders who abstain from sexual intercourse while they are teenagers are less likely to: • Frequently use alcohol. • Use illegal drugs, such as marijuana or cocaine. • Chew tobacco or smoke cigarettes. • Fight, get into trouble with the police, use a weapon, or steal. • Feel depressed and consider suicide. • Drive a car after drinking alcohol or ride with someone who was drinking. How do you encourage young people to value abstaining from sex, alcohol, and other drugs as teenagers? Avoid simply labeling these activities as bad. Instead, explain the consequences of these behaviors. Work on building assets with your children. Keep them informed and be open to their questions. Encourage self-care and, of course, be a role model.

Questions to Ask Yourself

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• How often have you discussed sex, alcohol, and other drugs with your child? • How often does your child come to you for support and advice on these topics? • Which topics has your child never asked you about? • How are you communicating your values about sex, alcohol, and other drugs to your child?

time tog ether Three ways to improve co mmunication about sexuality and drug use with your child: Together choose a book on sexuality, alcohol, or other drugs. Both you and your child rea d it separately and then discu ss it together later. Be clear about boundaries, values, and your reasons. Most teenagers are relieved to hear their parents say, “We exp ect you not to have sexual intercou rse or drink alcohol as a teenage r.” Explain why, and be open to questions. Look for opportunities to res pond to what’s in the media reg arding sexuality, alcohol, or other drugs that doesn’t directly involv e your child or your child’s friends . Discuss your reaction and ask for your child’s opinion.

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Keep Them Safe Let your child know that if he or she is ever in the situation of being pressured to have sex, drink, or get high, your child can call you to come get her or him with no questions asked. Quick Tip: Restraint requires courage—and support.

talk tog ether your child: Questions to discuss with hy relationships • What do you think healt have to do with restraint? at saying no to • Do you feel you’re good or others? things that might hurt you Why or why not? lues in terms of • What are our family’s va alcohol? Using sexual behavior? Drinking other drugs?

Why Kids Say No

W

hy do some young people abstain from sex?

Researchers at the Carolina Population Center at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that teenagers were more likely to abstain from sex when they: • Expected negative consequences from having sex. • Worried about getting pregnant. • Thought it would hurt their reputation. • Thought sex wouldn’t be healthy at their age. These teenagers were far from social outcasts. They were considered attractive, were socially successful, and dated quite often.

More Help for P arents

Saying No Is Not Enou gh: Helping Your Kids Make Wise Decisions about Alcoho l, Tobacco, and Other Dr ugs: A Guide for Parents of Childre n Ages 3 through 19 by Ro be rt Schwebel, Ph.D. This book guides pa rents in how to listen an d what to say to their children when appr oaching tough topics. (Pu blished by Newmarket Press.) How to Talk with Teen s about Love, Relation ships, and S-E-X: A Guide for Parents by Amy G. Miron, M.S., and Ch arles D. Miron, Ph.D., covers everything parents might want to dis cuss with teens about intimacy and sex. (Published by Free Spirit.)

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“To be clear with children we must first be clear with ourselves, recognizing that we have abilities and limits, and acknowledging our true values.” —Anne C. Bernstein, Ph.D., author of Flight of the Stork This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #39

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Social Competencies The more personal skills your child has to interact with others and make decisions, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Just consider me a human being, not something that needs to be labeled.” •“Be a good role model.” •“Be the first one to smile or say hello.”

The Importance of Social Competencies

G

rowing up is a lot like learning to play the piano. You need to learn

some basic social competencies, and you need someone to teach you those skills. You need time to practice, guidance as you gain experience, and feedback along the way. Social competencies are the skills and life perspectives children need to develop into healthy, competent adults. These skills come in handy on a daily basis, but they’re even more crucial when your child hits the hangups and bang-ups of life. The more skills your child has, the more likely he or she will navigate through the maze of life.

5 Key Social Competencies Search Institute researchers have identified five assets in the area of social competence that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check the areas of strength in your child’s life: ❑ Planning and decision making—Your child knows how to plan ahead and make choices. ❑ Interpersonal competence—Your child has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. ❑ Cultural competence—Your child has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. ❑ Resistance skills—Your child can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. ❑ Peaceful conflict resolution—Your child seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

The best way for parents to teach their children basic skills is by following these four steps: 1. Demonstrate the skill and let your child watch. 2. Do the skill together with your child. 3. Let your child do the skill alone while you watch. 4. Give feedback along the way. These four steps may happen more quickly for skills that your child learns easily, but they may take years if you’re trying to help your child develop assertiveness, planning, and decision-making skills. The important key is that you stick with your child along the way.

➠

2 Keys to Teaching 1. Let your child do things by herself or himself, even if it’s not the way you’d do it. 2. Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

Read the next five Ideas for Parents newsletters for strategies for building specific social competencies in your child. Next page

Social Competencies through the Years Age 0-1

2-3

4-5

6-10

11-15

16-18

Ways to Teach Social Competencies • Pay attention to how your baby communicates her or his likes and dislikes. • Affirm your baby as he or she learns new skills. • Don’t rush your baby when he or she meets new people. Hold her or him and let your baby set the pace. • Allow your child to express all feelings, but give guidance on appropriate and inappropriate ways to act on feelings. • Give your child at least two equally appealing choices whenever you can. • When you play together, practice taking turns being first. • Teach your child the names for emotions. • Continue to cheer on your child’s new skills, such as cutting, drawing, walking backward, and so on. • Start having family meetings where your child has a voice in decisions. • Encourage your child to develop more skills in an area he or she is interested in. • Help your child learn how much fun it can be to be part of a team. • Continue to emphasize using words—rather than actions—to articulate needs. • Encourage your child to see the connection between her or his actions today and what he or she will be able to do in the future. • Role model caring for yourself as an important step in caring for others. • Practice things to say in new social situations. • Be willing to “let go” a bit more, so your child can begin to make more decisions on her or his own. • Encourage your teenager to have conversations with peers who come from different ethnic backgrounds, and try to find at least one thing in common. • Help your child write a résumé.

Attitude Check Learning new skills can often be frustrating and scary for your child. But by creating an open atmosphere about learning, you can encourage your child to develop those crucial skills for success. Instill these attitudes in yourself—and in your child. ✔ Learning isn’t always easy or simple. ✔ Embrace mistakes. They teach important lessons. ✔ Once you take the first step, the second step will be easier. ✔ Be gentle with yourself as you learn something new. ✔ Celebrate progress.

for More Help

Parents

roven Parenting: A P se n Se n o m Com ing Guide for Rais Step-by-Step ng Happy ids and Creati Responsible K et al. gives mond V. Burke ay R by s ie il m Fa build a vice on how to ad al ic ct ra p hed lots of etencies. (Publis p m co al ci so variety of ess.) by Boys Town Pr

FiNaL WoRD “Encouragement is teaching children the life skills they need to be successful in life and relationships.” —Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #40

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Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #32: Planning and Decision Making Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they know how to plan ahead and make choices.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Planning and decision making” is one of five socialcompetencies assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Putting Planning into Action

S

ix-year-old Tommy Tighe had a dream:

He wanted to create world peace. “Ever since I was four, I had a vision that I could cause peace in the world,” he said. “I wanted to make a bumper sticker that says, ‘PEACE, PLEASE! DO IT FOR US KIDS, signed Tommy.’ ” So he developed this plan: 1. Call about the cost of printing bumper stickers. 2. Make a plan for a loan so that the printer can get paid. 3. Have bumper stickers printed. 4. Figure out how to tell people about the bumper stickers. 5. Get addresses of world leaders. 6. Write a letter to all of the presidents and leaders of other countries and send them each a free bumper sticker. 7. Talk to everyone about peace. 8. Call the newspaper and tell them about my business. 9. Arrange for a talk at my school. Once he decided the plan was a good one, he acted on it. Soon Tommy had a picture of Mikhail Gorbachev, former president of the former Soviet Union, that included his autograph saying, “Go for peace, Tommy.” Tommy also sold a bumper sticker to former U.S. president Ronald Reagan. He has since sold more than 2,500 of his bumper stickers and repaid his $454 loan. Not only has he done well, his story appears in the best-selling book Chicken Soup for the Soul, and he also appeared on The Joan Rivers Show.

When Joan Rivers asked if his bumper stickers really made a difference, he replied, “So far I’ve had it out two years and got the Berlin Wall down. I’m doing pretty good, don’t you think?”

time tog ether Three ways to strengthen your child’s planning and decision-mak ing skills: When your child receives longterm assignments, offer to help her or him plan and make decisions in order to finish them on time. When making family decis ions, use careful thought. Make a list of pros and cons with your child. Give your teenager full responsibility for cooking a family meal once a month. Give your younger child specific tas ks in meal preparation.

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Who Plans? Who Decides? Write the names of family members who plan, decide, and do each of the following: Who plans? Who decides? Who does?

Quick Tip: Help your child set realistic goals. Then make a plan to reach them.

Family relaxation activities

talk tog ether

Meals Holiday celebrations Household chores Extracurricular activities

Who does most of the planning, decision making, and follow-through? How can all family members be included in all areas?

Helpful Hints Tips that build planning and decision-making skills in your child: • Encourage a daily to-do list. Checking off items can be satisfying. • Allow room for mistakes, but don’t rescue your child from the consequences. • Remember that when children know how to plan, they’re more apt to make their dreams come true. • Celebrate your child’s progress and accomplishments in decision making and planning.

FiNaL WoRD

Questions to discuss with your child: • What steps do you go thr ough before making a decision? • How do you feel about your planning skills? How can we support and improve them? • Which decisions are yo u currently struggling with? What pla ns do you need to make?

More Help for Parents r The Life-Smart Kid: Teaching You ry Child to Use Good Judgment in Eve s Situation by Lawrence J. Greene. Thi help to s book provides practical way g young people develop decision-makin ) skills. (Published by Prima Publishing.

“If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.” —Abraham Maslow

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #41

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #33: Interpersonal Competence Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they have empathy, sensitivity, and friendshipmaking skills.

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What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Interpersonal competence” is one of five socialcompetencies assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Interpersonal Competence: It’s Not That Easy

A

t a glance, interpersonal competence seems simple. Most

children know how to make friends. They get upset when something bad happens to a friend, and they notice when someone is acting differently. They show some sensitivity. Yet interpersonal competence involves not only a young person’s relationship-making and -keeping skills but also emotional competence. According to Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., author of Emotional Intelligence, interpersonal competence builds on emotional skills such as: • Monitoring your own expressions of your feelings. • Being able to read people’s reactions and feelings—even when people don’t express them in words. • Adjusting social interaction based on the interaction you’re having with another person or a group of people. This competence is tricky even for adults, especially since some people’s emotions are easier to read than others’. Yet, young people

who practice the skills of being in touch with their own needs and feelings and know how to appropriately express their feelings are more likely to understand and deal with the needs and feelings of others. Building interpersonal competence is a lifelong process. Each relationship and each interaction matters. Each relationship and each interaction allows young people to practice, learn, and master the skill of empathy, sensitivity, and friendship building.

Quick Tip: Look at how you interact with people.

Helpful Hints Tips that make building interpersonal skills in your child easier: • Practice interpersonal skills, such as meeting people, starting conversations, asking questions, and finding similar interests. • Invite people over for dinner regularly. Invite your children’s friends and your friends. As a family, spend time talking with your guests. • Plan ways to get to know your children’s friends and for your children to get to know your friends. • Model empathy and sensitivity with your child. Discuss why they are important interNext page

Intentional about Friendship You can help your child develop interpersonal competence by: • Creating a home where friends are always welcome. • Introducing your child to people of many different ages. • Allowing your child to grieve when relationships turn sour or fade. • Stressing that it’s not okay to just “drop” a friend. • Making sure your child is connecting with people in person and not just through the computer.

1. 2. 3.

Be sensitive to your child’s temperament when it comes to interpersonal competence. An introverted child can have competence in this area even though he or she may have only one or two close friends.

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ether time tog nal rture interperso nu to s ay w ee hr T ur child: competence in yo in your child by Build empathy lking about your modeling and ta riately. emotions approp ace and guess Go to a public pl d people are in what kind of moo k and look. wal by the way they ild’s friends into ch Welcome your nd time talking your home. Spe to know them. with and getting

Become More Aware

Questions to disc uss with your ch ild: • Who do you like to talk to ab ou t your feelings? Why? • Overall, how do you feel abou t the relationships in your life? Why? • What do you value in your cl osest friends? Why ar e these values important?

More Help for Parents LifeStories. This game encourages people to share stories about themselves and build interpersonal competence. Play it with friends, relatives, and neighbors. (Manufactured by FNDI/Talicor.)

FiNaL WoRD “Our feelings towards our friends reflect our feelings towards ourselves.” —Aristotle This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #42

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #34: Cultural Competence Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they have knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural racial ethnic backgrounds.

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o d by surveye Search e hav Institute t in e this ass s.* e v li their

What Are Assets? Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Cultural competence” is one of five socialcompetencies assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Appreciating Differences

I

n a perfect world, we would all know and feel comfortable with people of a wide variety of cultural, ethnic, and racial backgrounds. We would have caring

relationships with many different people. We would participate in a variety of cultural customs. Yet even in communities that are diverse in terms of ethnicity, race, and culture, the majority of people spend time with people who look like them, think like them, and often act just like them. Many people do this, not because they are prejudiced, but because they don’t know how to begin reaching out to people who are “different.” However, even if you feel uncomfortable interacting with people from races, religions, and cultures different from your own, your child is growing up in a world that is more diverse racially, economically, religiously, linguistically, and in other ways, than the world you grew up in. As adults they will need to have skills to work with people from a wide variety of backgrounds and perspectives. “Cultural competence” doesn’t mean that we all have to like each other. It does mean that we treat each other with respect, tolerance, and equality. It means we strive to understand other cultures, and perhaps come to appreciate and value them. It means we

want to learn about the values, perspectives, and ideas of people who are different from us. Before your child can feel competent dealing with people of various cultures, your child first needs to develop an ethnic awareness and cultural identity of her or his own. What’s your family’s ethnic heritage? How do you feel about it? Do you celebrate it? When you listen to stories from your family history, what have you heard about how your ancestors viewed and lived with people who were different from them? “The way we feel about ourselves and the way we react to racism may reflect assumptions that are centuries old,” say Darlene Powell Hopson, Ph.D., and Derek S. Hopson, Ph.D., clinical psychologists and authors. With your child, explore your feelings about people who are different from you. Talk about where your cultural competencies are strong and where they need some nurturing. Together you can foster a sense of cultural competence in each member of your family.

Quick Tip: Expose your children to a wide variety of people.

Helpful Hints Tips that make building cultural competence with your child easier: • Examine images that television, movies, and books project of people of various cultures. Discuss what’s authentic, what’s stereotypical, and how you can determine the difference. • Together learn words from another language. • Avoid making stereotypical comments and challenge those made by others. • Know your roots and share your pride in your culture with others. Next page

Worthwhile Goals

C

reate an open family atmosphere that encourages discussion and action when it comes to differences.

Set goals such as these: • Discuss as a family the effect of prejudicial attitudes and behavior. • Plan family outings to diverse neighborhoods in and around your community. • Encourage your child’s school to create a “Diversity Club” to promote harmony and respect differences. • Mark your calendar with holidays of various cultures and important civil rights dates. Discuss the traditions and events of these dates as they occur. • As a family, petition local government to make your city or town a prejudice-free zone.

1 2 3 Important Steps 3

time tog ether Three ways to build cultu ral competence in your child: Read articles together or rent videos that focus on cultu res dif ferent from your own. Talk about what you learn. Encourage your child to ge t a pen pal from a dif ferent country or culture. Search the Intern et for pen pal sites. Invite to dinner a family tha t is culturally or ethnically dif ferent from your own. Share sto ries about dif ferent customs, traditions, holidays, foods, etc.

1. 2. 3.

When your child has a negative reaction to a cultural or racial difference: 1. Immediately find out more about what happened and what your child is feeling. 2. Ask questions to help your child figure out why he or she responded that way. 3. Point out harmful, hurtful responses and suggest More Help for Parents alternatives that promote 40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child by Barbara Mathias and Mary cultural competence. Ann French. This boo

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k give practical, age-specific advice (fro m infancy through the high school years) on how to teach children to shun prejudice. (Published by Harper Collins.)

“Cherish and preserve the ethnic and cultural diversity that nourishes and strengthens this community—and this nation.” —César Chávez This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #43

e s

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #35: Resistance Skills Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.

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o d by surveye Search e hav Institute t in e this ass s.* e their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Resistance skills” is one of five socialcompetencies assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Resistance Skills and Reasoning

S

ometimes parenting feels like a struggle. At times, your child

challenges the boundaries that you’ve set. Or, your child starts to question your advice. What is going on? Your child is practicing resistance skills. While we all want our children to resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations, our children don’t easily learn what’s important to resist and what’s not. So they practice—at times—on everything. By saying no, they’re figuring out what they don’t want. And they’re also discerning what they do want—what they want to say yes to. Teach your child resistance skills, but also teach your child the values that support why he or she would take a stand on an issue. Having many conversations with your teenager about drug use, premarital sex, safety, and personal boundaries increases the chance he or she will make a safe choice when asked to ride in a car with a person who has been drinking alcohol. So, as you build this asset in your child, focus not only on how to resist and assert, but also on what to value. What to say yes to. What is healthy. What is safe. Then when your child is confronted with a sticky situation, you can

Helpful Hints Tips that help your child develop resistance skills: • Encourage your child to express her or his feelings, beliefs, values, and opinions at home. • Allow your child to tell you when he or she disagrees with you. • Point out two or three things youth are saying yes to by saying no.

feel more confident that he or she will make a good decision and stand firm in what he or she believes.

time tog ether Three ways to help your ch ild build resistance skills: Model and role-play resist ance skills and specific lines to use to say no. Afterward, talk tog ether about the experience and what was easy and dif ficult ab out it. Read stories and talk abou t people in the world (such as Rosa Parks and Gandhi) who res isted doing what everyone else was doing. What was key to the ir doing so? As you observe others, po int out the dif ferent ways people use resistance skills: some are subtle, some are assertive, and so me are aggressive. Talk about what’ s appropriate to handle dif fer ent situations.

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Next page

➠ ➠

Ways to Resist

Quick Tip: to Saying no doesn’t have be negative.

R

esisting negative peer pressure and dangerous situations isn’t always easy. With your child, discuss these

possible ways to resist. Which of them does your child like? Dislike? Why?

talk tog ether

➠

your child: Questions to discuss with peer pressure • What kinds of negative do you feel? to say no? Why? • How easy is it for you u to resist? • What is dif ficult for yo en you have Why? How do you act wh trouble resisting?

Walk away from the situation. Calmly say no. Share your feelings. Use humor. Stand up for yourself. Ignore the person or situation. Confront the person. Call a friend to help you. Stay away from the situation from then on. Invite a peer mediator to help. Tell a caring adult.

Saying No

Have your child practice different ways of saying no. Remind her or him that it may be harder to do than he or she thinks.

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More Help for P arents How to Sa

y No and Keep Your Fr iends: Peer Pressure Reversal for Teens and Preteens by Sharon Scot t. This book gives practical advice on how to help young peop le develop resistance skills. (Publish ed by Human Resource De velopment Press.)

“Saying no is like giving yourself a present . . . It establishes boundaries. It gives you self-definition and self-respect.” —Louise Hart, Ph.D., author of The Winning Family

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #44

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #36: Peaceful Conflict Resolution Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they seek to resolve conflict nonviolently.

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of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Peaceful conflict resolution” is one of five socialcompetencies assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

7 Steps to Making Peace

“C

hildren who learn how to think about their relationships with other people do better in life in general,” says Myrna B.

Shure, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist. Shure created the I Can Problem Solve (ICPS) program, which focuses on the thinking skills needed for young people to resolve conflicts peacefully. Shure suggests that before young people begin discussing a specific conflict, they find out if the time and place are good for the discussion. If so, they can begin the seven-step process. If not, they should identify a time and place that work for everyone involved. Next: Identify the conflict. Have each person talk about what happened. Each person’s account is equally important.

1.

2. 3.

Talk about the events that led to the conflict. What happened first? Second? What increased the conflict? Name how you feel. Ask others involved to identify how they feel. Encourage people to be honest about how they feel without blaming others.

4.

Listen carefully to each person’s feelings and accounts of the conflict. Use empathy skills. Try to understand each person’s point of view.

5.

Brainstorm solutions. Be creative. Affirm each person’s ideas but keep encouraging people to think of different solutions.

6.

Evaluate each solution. Choose one solution that everyone agrees on.

7.

Monitor how the solution works. If something needs to change, start again. “If children can learn to solve typical everyday problems, they are less likely to become impulsive, insensitive, withdrawn, aggressive, or antisocial,” Shure says. “In the long run it is important for children to learn how to think about the problems they encounter in their dealings with other people.”

Helpful Hints Tips that make peaceful conflict resolution easier: • Have everyone involved honestly state their needs and wants without blaming others. • Have everyone listen, listen, listen, and try to understand each other. • Stay focused on the conflict at hand; do not bring up other conflicts. • Emphasize creative problem solving and creating new solutions. • Negotiate until a win-win result is found. Next page

time tog ether Three ways to improve peaceful conflict resolution with your child: Set up a specific place in your home for peacemaking. For example, you might identify a certain room for family members to resolve conflicts. In this room, you might require that people use respectful words and take turns talking and listening. When conflicts occur at home, use author William Kreidler’s approach: CAPS. Cool off. Agree to work it out. Point out your view. Solve the problem. Admit when you’ve responded poorly to conflict. Apologize. Suggest new ways to solve the conflict.

1.

2. 3.

Quick Tip: Don’t avoid conflict, but resolve it peacefully.

Become a Peacemaker

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • What is your initial reaction when you’re in a conflict with someone? Why? • Which conflicts in your past have had outcomes that pleased you? Why? • How do caring, courage, forgiveness, justice, and unity relate to how we choose to handle conflict?

Consider forming a peace club. For more information, contact: ers Children as the Peacemak Peace Clubs 32 1177 California St., Suite 14 San Francisco, CA 94108

More Help for Parents Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna B. Shure et al. presents techniques for teaching children up to age 7 how to solve problems nonviolently. (Published by Pocket Books.) Peace Patrol by Diane Schilling, ed. This book teaches young people step-by-step peaceful conflict resolution skills. (Published by Innerchoice.)

FiNaL WoRD

“Go and talk things over. Words can do magic.” —Leo Lionni

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #45

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET CATEGORY Positive Identity The more a child has a sense of power, purpose, worth, and promise, the more likely he or she is to grow up healthy.

Youth Speak •“Remind me that I’m worthwhile.” •“Encourage me to give tough things my best shot.” •“Understand that I hope things will go well for me in the future.”

The Power of a Positive Identity

O

ur identities are always in a state of flux. Depending on what’s

currently happening in your life, you may feel confident or unsure, optimistic about the future or pessimistic, that you have some control or little control. These ups and downs are normal for you and they’re normal for your child. It’s also normal for your child’s identity to vary from situation to situation. For example, your child may have a much more positive sense of her or his athletic “self” than social “self” (or vice versa). What’s important, however, is what a person’s identity is like most of the time. People who have a strong sense of self still maintain that sense even when difficulties arise. They continue to be hopeful, optimistic, and believe they can make a difference, even when circumstances seem to be trying to persuade them otherwise. What do you think of the identity your child is forming? Is this someone you like? Is this someone who surprises you at times? Is this someone who, overall, has a sense of purpose, power, worth, and promise? While identity is partially determined by genetics, you still have a lot of influence on bringing out the best in your child. The way

you interact with your child helps your child feel loved or unloved. The ways you respond to your child’s successes, mistakes, actions, and words also build either a sense of positive or negative identity. The positive-identity assets tie in closely with the support assets. A child who feels loved, supported, and nurtured is more apt to feel good about her- or himself. Children whose home, school, neighborhood, and community see the best in them are more apt to bring out the best in themselves. The choice is ours. Love children, and children will learn to love themselves.

4 Key Areas of Positive Identity

Quick Tip: Develop your child’s id entity with love and support.

Search Institute researchers have identified four positive-identity assets that are crucial for helping young people grow up healthy. Check the areas of strength in your child’s life: ❑ Personal power—Your child feels he or she has control over things that happen to her or him. ❑ Self-esteem—Your child reports having a high self-esteem. ❑ Sense of purpose—Your child reports that her or his life has a purpose. ❑ Positive view of personal future—Your child is optimistic about her or his personal future. Look to future newsletters for details on all four positive-identity assets! Next page

Positive Identity through the Years Age

Ways to Encourage Positive Identity Formation

0-1

• Love,respect,and accept children unconditionally. • Delight in each child’s unique personality. • Create positive interactions.Play together in ways that make infants laugh and enjoy the time together. 2-3 • Focus on the behavior; do not blame children when correcting their inappropriate behaviors. • When children say phrases such as “Me do it,” let them. • Create an atmosphere that is loving,supportive,and affirming so that children enjoy and feel good about their environment. 4-5 • Encourage children to take pride in their cultural heritage. • Break new tasks into small, manageable steps that children can master without becoming too frustrated. • Use only positive and encouraging phrases around children.For example,say “Let’s try it” instead of“That won’t work” or“That looks hard.” 6-10 • Respect the decisions children make. • Focus on your child’s strengths and encourage her or him in these areas. • Encourage children to seek out answers and solutions when they face obstacles or difficult times. 11-15 • Encourage your child to explore and experiment within her or his areas of interest and ability. • Expectyour child to experience ups and downs of self-esteem during these years,and for it to increase as he or she gets older. • Avoid comparing your child with others. 16-18 • Continue to supportyour teenager as he or she struggles with issues and questions of identity. • Show your teenager the positive possibilities in her or his future. • Delight in your teenager’s talents,capabilities,and discoveries.Share your delight.

Helpful Hints Tips that make developing a positive identity in your child easier: • Think of yourself as a mirror. What are you reflecting back to your child in terms of her or his self-image? • Examine your own identity. What needs support? What’s strong? • Encourage your children to be themselves while guiding and supporting them. • Focus on the positive. Look for the best in your child.

A Worthwhile Question Have each family member answer this question: What makes you feel worthwhile?

More Help for Parents to Feeling Great: Teaching Children book s Excel at Living by Terry Orlick. Thi t emphasizes children’s total developmen es viti acti ed -fill fun and has more than 100 e ativ Cre to do as a family. (Published by Bound Inc.)

FiNaL WoRD “The optimal way to value your child: Discover your child’s assets and strengths and spend time encouraging and emphasizing them.” —Kevin Leman, psychologist This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

Newsletter #46

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #37: Personal Power Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they feel they have control over things that happen to them.

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d by surveye itute Inst Search asset have this ves.* li in their

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Personal power” is one of four positiveidentity assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Every Person Can Make a Difference Aja Henderson of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, noticed a problem. A lot of

her friends and the neighborhood children didn’t have anyone to take them to the library. Many parents worked, and by the time the parents got home, the libraries were closed. If Aja hadn’t had personal power, she would have felt helpless, victimized, and passive. But Aja had a strong sense of personal power. At the age of 12, she opened her own library—in the den of her home. Today, more than 3,000 titles make up Aja’s library, and young children, teenagers, and adults all use it. The library, open seven days a week, doesn’t have any set hours. “Sometimes people knock on our door early in the morning before I go to school, or someone stops by pretty late at night,” Aja says. “I never turn anyone away. I’m proud that people like to read, and that they’d even give up a Saturday afternoon to spend time at my library.” Aja doesn’t think what she has done is anything out of the ordinary. “I’m just a normal American kid,” she says. “If I can do something like this, so can other kids. It just takes a little work and some creativity.”

Traits of Children with Personal Power • They believe that when good things happen to them, they somehow contributed to or had some control in that event. • They do not blame themselves for bad things happening to them; instead, they focus on positive steps they can take to remedy the situation. • They are active, not passive. • They feel empowered, not helpless or victimized. • They believe they can make a difference.

time tog ether Three ways to help your child develop personal power: Encourage your child to se rve others. Believing you can make a dif ference in the world gives an enormous sense of perso nal power. Advocate that family memb ers form healthy lifestyle habit s. People with personal powe r are less likely to be tired, stres sed, and abuse mood-altering substances than people wh o feel helpless and victimized. Teach your child practical skills such as how to change a tire, cook a couple of meals, an d sew on a button. Well-prepared young people are more likely to feel a sense of personal power.

1. 2. 3.

Next page

Powerful Coping Techniques Personal power also pertains to the way children cope with difficulties and stress. Children with personal power use both of these positive coping strategies: • Emotion focus—They talk about the problem. They get emotional support from others. They honestly deal with and work through their feelings. • Problem focus—They gather information, brainstorm solutions, and use problem-solving skills to ease the stress or make the situation less difficult.

Quick Tip: Involve children of all ages in family decision makin g.

talk tog ether your child: Questions to discuss with life do you feel • In what areas of your The least? you have the most control? Why? l you can • What are ways you fee d to others in contribute to the family an the community? you can deal • What are healthy ways enges? with frustrations and chall

More Help for Parents

Guide to Personal Power and Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid’s fman, Ph.D., Lev Raphael, Ph.D., and Positive Self-Esteem by Gershen Kau rs, this book is a guide to personal Pamela Espeland. Written for teenage lished by Free Spirit.) power and positive self-esteem. (Pub

FiNaL WoRD “I’ve always thought that you can think positive just as well as you can think negative.” —Sugar Ray Robinson This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

Previous page

ideas for par nt

Newsletter #47

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #38: Self-Esteem Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they have high self-esteem.

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of d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Self-esteem” is one of four positive-identity assets.

* Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

e s

High Self-Esteem: Where Does It Come From?

W

e all know what pulls us down when it comes to how we feel about ourselves. Guilt.

Prejudice. Rejection. Neglect. Disrespect. Putdowns. Ridicule. Failure. But what pulls us up? Author and psychologist Dr. Louise Hart, a leading educator on self-esteem development, says high self-esteem comes from • Love, respect, and acceptance. • Being taken seriously. • Being listened to. • Having your needs met and taken seriously. • Honoring uniqueness. • Being healthy and fit. • Having meaning and purpose in life. • Having a sense of humor, laughing, and playing. • Taking pride in your cultural heritage. • Having choices and a sense of personal power. • Having safety and security. • Doing good. • Competence and achievement.

?

The Difference between Boys and Girls

Who is more apt to like themselves, think they have a number of good qualities, and be glad for who they are? Boys are. Search Institute researchers discovered that 56% of boys have a positive self-esteem whereas only 47% of girls do. Why do you think that is?

Dr. Hart suggests families talk about their strengths and focus on positive things about each other. “We make healthy children by working from the inside out,” she says, “by cherishing and accepting them as they are and nurturing their growth and development.”

talk tog ether Questions to discuss with your child: • Name three things you like about yourself and explain why. • Think back to when you were younger. When did you feel really good about yourself ? What was happen ing? When did you feel bad about yo urself ? Why? • When you feel the best about yourself, what activities are you do ing?

Next page

Qui Give yo ck Tip: ur of atten child lots t complim ion and ent h or him. er

time tog ether ild feel better Three ways to help your ch about her- or himself: d let your Compliment your child an things child hear you saying good one else. about her or him to some give a gift On your child’s birthday, admire in that represents what you her or him and state that admiration specifically. “all Have your child create an e can about me” book. He or sh tivities of write about the family, ac bjects, interest, favorite school su lude proudest moments, etc. Inc ecial sp photographs, drawings, or mementos.

1. 2.

for More Help

Parents

e Briggs. Dorothy Corkill by m ee st -E lf p create Your Child’s Se r parents to hel fo la u rm fo a rs children. T his book offe -worth in their lf se of gs in el strong fe oubleday.) (Published by D

3.

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Q & A about Self-Esteem Q: Can a parent really affect a child’s self-esteem? A: Yes, says Jean Illsley Clarke, author of Self-Esteem: A Family Affair. “Life’s positive and life’s negative offerings are the areas in which adults have great power and opportunity to impact self-esteem,” she writes in her book. She suggests parents can provide positive opportunities for their children to succeed; give positive messages to their children; love their children even when they make poor choices; and give specific alternative suggestions when they want their children to act in different ways.

“Giving children the feeling of being cared about for themselves, not just for their performance, is integral to their self-esteem.” —Richard Oberfield, M.D.

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #48

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #39: Sense of Purpose Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they report that their lives have purpose.

59o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Sense of purpose” is one of four positiveidentity assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

Finding the Meaning of Life

“T

he unexamined life is not worth living,” said Socrates. And

with the wild schedules and frantic pace we live today, it’s easy not to take the time to find out what really matters. Yet for young people to have a sense of purpose in life, they need to look within. What gives their life meaning? What gets them excited to wake up in the morning? What dreams do they have for the future? Each person—including your child—gets approximately 170 hours a week to choose what to do with her or his time. Which subjects is your child taking in school? Are they meaningful—or easy? What extracurricular activities does your child do? Are they giving your child purpose—or are they just something to pass the time? What about your family time? Is it meaningful interaction time, or is everybody so tired that you’d prefer just to veg out together in front of the television? The difference between young people who have a sense of purpose in life and those who don’t boils down to one thing: They take charge of their lives. If they don’t know what gives them meaning or purpose, they set out to find ways to contribute to the greater good. If they know what gives them purpose, they are out there doing it—every day. As a family, you can encourage that journey by giving family members time to reflect, discuss, and try new things of interest. Together you can find purpose as a family and as individuals.

Quick Tip: ves Tell your child what gi your life purpose.

time tog ether Three ways to help your child find a sense of purpose: Identify how your child wo uld like to contribute to the family and to others in the community. Then help her or him get starte d. Network with other adults and young people who have sim ilar interests. See if you can participate in some meaning ful activities together. Remind your child often tha t he or she was created for a reason and has a special purpose to fulfill.

1. 2. 3.

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Words to Ponder

“Y

ou may have a success in life, but then just think—what kind of life was it?” said Joseph

Campbell, scholar and professor of mythology. “What good was it— you’ve never done the thing you wanted to do in all your life. I always tell my students, go where your body and soul want to go. When you have the feeling, then stay with it, and don’t let anyone throw you off.” Joseph Campbell called this sense of purpose “bliss,” and advocated that people take time to identify what their bliss is. “Follow your bliss, and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be,” he said. What bliss are you following? What about your child?

ether talk tog

ild: uss with your ch ur Questions to disc you have for yo do s m ea dr t ha our • W ily’s future? For m fa e th r Fo ? future re? ve community’s futu le models who ha ro or rs to en m • Which admire? e in life do you a strong purpos Why? ith your only one thing w do d ul co u yo If • it be? Why? life, what would

Helpful Hints

More Help for Parents

Tips that help your child find a sense of purpose: • Cut down on television, computer, and telephone time to give your child time to develop her or his own interests. • Model having a sense of purpose. Do the things that matter to you. Contribute to the family and to the community. • Compare passion lists. Have family members each write down five things they’re passionate about and then talk about them.

Kids Who Make a Difference by Gary Chandler and Kevin Graham. Thi s book shows young people who took up environmental causes and had success. (Published by Twenty-First Century Books.)

FiNaL WoRD “To live means to have . . . a mission to fulfill—and in the measure in which we avoid setting our life to something, we make it empty.” —José Ortega y Gasset, philosopher This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #49

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSET #40: Positive View of Personal Future Youth are more likely to grow up healthy when they are optimistic about their personal future.

74o%uth

of y d by surveye Search have Institute in et this ass .* es their liv

What Are Assets?

Assets are 40 values, experiences, and qualities that help kids succeed. “Positive view of personal future” is one of four positive-identity assets. * Based on Search Institute surveys of 217,277 6th- to 12th-grade youth throughout the United States during the 1999–2000 school year.

A Reason to Hope

V

iktor Frankl is a man who could have lost all hope.

During World War II, Frankl was imprisoned in the Nazi concentration camp at Auschwitz. His father, mother, brother, and wife all died in Auschwitz or similar camps. But after living through three degrading years of torture, Frankl was released at the end of the war. Frankl wrote Man’s Search for Meaning based on his experience. In that book, he tells why he continued to be optimistic about the future despite the horrible, inhuman conditions he lived in. His book continues to provide a source of hope for people in difficult, seemingly hopeless situations. His words of wisdom include: • “There is nothing in the world, I venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions, as the knowledge that there is meaning in one’s life.” • “He [or she] who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.” • “Everything can be taken from a [person] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms— to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Although very few if any of us will ever experience the horrifying life of a concentration camp, Frankl’s experience reveals the importance of hope. An optimistic, hopeful attitude gives children the courage to venture forward, to make plans, to dream, and to live with the belief that they can accomplish their dreams.

Think and Do

time tog ether Three ways to help your child become more optimistic about the future: React positively when your child tells you her or his dreams —no matter how far-fetched or unreachable they may seem . Together choose one way to make a dream a reality. Point out hopeful signs tha t you see when you’re out and about, watching the television or a movie, or reading the news paper. Encourage your child to do the same. One family clips ar ticles about good things people are doing to improve the world . Think about your own hope and manage your own mental health. You’ll be a role model for your child.

1. 2. 3.

At home focus on solutions instead of problems. Identify areas of hope in difficult situations. Be creative, adjust, and be flexible as you create new ways to deal with old problems. Next page

A Checklist for Developing a Positive Outlook People who have hope are people willing to tackle new challenges. They keep moving forward because they expect good things to happen. Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns, professor of psychology and the author of Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives after Crisis and Loss, says there are four important ways of thinking in order to have a positive attitude: 1. When things don’t go your way, that’s okay. 2. You can have control over most of the circumstances in life that can cause you unhappiness. 3. You can depend on yourself. 4. The past doesn’t define you, but your attitudes, actions, and values do. In research on people who overcome difficult odds and have hope for the future, she found they have a number of traits. Check those your child has: ❑ Your child looks for inspirational role models. ❑ Your child takes advantage of opportunities. ❑ Your child dares to dream but is realistic about those dreams. ❑ Your child can search relentlessly for answers when obstacles appear. ❑ Your child thinks about the future more often than about the past.

Quick Tip: Make a consc ious choice to be optimisti c.

ther e o g t k a l t

ild: uss with your ch sc di to ns io st ue ? What Q about the future u yo s te ci ex t • Wha scares you? ect think is the perf u yo do e ag t • Wha age? Why? out r how we feel ab te at m it es do • Why the future?

More Help for Parents The Optimistic Child by Martin E. P. Seligman et al. This book provides use ful information and good examples for teaching children to think positively. (Publish ed by Harper Perennial.)

FiNaL WoRD “In the presence of strong values and of ambition, [optimism] is the tool that makes both individual accomplishment and social justice possible.” —Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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ideas for par nt

Newsletter #50

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

EXTERNAL ASSETS The first four asset categories focus on external structures, relationships, and activities that create a positive environment for young people.

How to Start • Support and love your child. • Empower your child. • Set clear, realistic boundaries and expectations. • Help your child use her or his time in meaningful, constructive ways.

You Are Your Child’s Compass

e s

A

ny hiker knows the most important tool to take on a journey is a compass. It’s a guide when

you know where you’re going. It’s also a guide when you don’t. As children journey through life, they must step into unfamiliar territory. Sometimes they’ll try paths we’d rather they not take, while ignoring others that we think they should follow. No matter where they go, we as parents are their compasses. As compasses, we don’t tell them which path to take (even though it’s tempting at times), but we serve as a resource—a guide. We can help, suggest, question, encourage. We can also point out other useful guides when our children wish to take a path we’re not equipped to navigate. The 40 assets help us be good compasses. The first 20 assets, known as external assets, come from the people and institutions that surround our children. We as parents play a critical role in the development of these first 20 assets. Many of the things we do as parents build these external assets. We give our children the support needed to feel secure, whether it’s spending time together, wiping away tears after a breakup, or accepting them regardless of their personal style and appearance. We set clear expectations as well as boundaries that have specific consequences when they are not followed. We help them spend their time wisely, tell them we value

ip : Quick T s easier i g assets k. n i d l i u B u thin than yo

them and that they are valuable not only to us but also to the community. As parents we can have a tremendous impact on building assets in our children and teenagers. Building assets truly is a journey, a journey that reaps great rewards and brings out the best in our children—and in ourselves.

Asset-Building Ideas for Parents Try some of these positive parenting tips: • Talk with your children about the 40 developmental assets. Ask them for suggestions of ways to strengthen their assets. • Keep in regular contact with your children’s teachers. Don’t wait for problems to arise before talking with them. • Recognize that children need more than just financial support. • As a family, talk about your values and priorities. • Remember that you are not alone. Next page

ideas for par nt e s External Assets Support

Boundaries and Expectations

1.

11. Family boundaries

Family support

Family life provides high levels of love and support. 2.

Positive family communication

Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parents. 3.

Other adult relationships

Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults. 4.

Caring neighborhood

5.

Caring school climate

Young person experiences caring neighbors. School provides a caring, encouraging environment. 6.

Parent involvement in schooling

Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. 12. School boundaries

School provides clear rules and consequences. 13. Neighborhood boundaries

Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. 14. Adult role models

Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. 15. Positive peer influence

Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. 16. High expectations

Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

Empowerment

Constructive Use of Time

7.

17. Creative activities

Community values youth

Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth. 8.

Youth as resources

Young people are given useful roles in the community. 9.

Service to others

Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week. 10. Safety

Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs

Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community

Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home

Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #51

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

Internal Assets in Action

INTERNAL ASSETS

T

These four asset categories reflect internal values, skills, and beliefs that young people need to develop to fully engage with and function in the world around them.

How to Start • Encourage a lifetime commitment to learning. • Instill positive values in your child. • Develop social skills in your child. • Help your child develop a positive identity.

he second group of developmental assets is known as internal assets. They are the commitments, attitudes, values, and skills that support our youth from within. One story of youth using their internal assets takes place in Hazen, North Dakota. Here, young people were faced with the problem of where to go and what to do on weekends. Hazen, a small town, had no convenient location where teenagers could talk, have fun, and simply hang out. That’s when a leadership team of teenagers took action. They did some research and wrote a few proposals. In the end, they acquired the upstairs of an unused hockey arena. These students turned the area into a place for youth to hang out—complete with pool tables, video games, furniture, and most important, people. The hangout, named “Upstairs” by those who created it, is now open on weekend nights and is staffed by adult volunteers. They sell food and beverages, and they even have

a quiet room where people can go to talk. This fun, safe place was completely the result of the teenagers and their internal assets: responsibility, planning and decision making, and personal power. As parents, we can’t control the internal assets, but we can intentionally nourish them. As a result, our children will be able to take control and do something to improve their lives.

Asset-Building Ideas for Parents Here are a few ideas for focusing on the positive as you raise your child: • Connect with other parents who are interested in asset building. • Regularly do things with your child. • Agree on family rules and consequences for violating those rules. • Be aware of differences in how you relate to each of your children. • Do intergenerational activities with

extended family and other neighborhood adults and families. • Nurture your own assets by spending time with people who care about you and are supportive. Quick Tip: Post the 40 development al assets on your refrigerator door.

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Internal Assets Commitment to Learning

Social Competencies

21. Achievement motivation

32. Planning and decision making

Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School engagement

Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework

Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school

Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for pleasure

Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices. 33. Interpersonal competence

Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. 34. Cultural competence

Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. 35. Resistance skills

Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. 36. Peaceful conflict resolution

Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently. Positive Values 26. Caring

Young person places high value on helping other people. 27. Equality and social justice

Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty. 28. Integrity

Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.

Personal Identity 37. Personal power

Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.” 38. Self-esteem

Young person reports having a high self-esteem. 39. Sense of purpose

Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.” 40. Positive view of personal future

29. Honesty

Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” 30. Responsibility

Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility. 31. Restraint

Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs. This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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Newsletter #52

Easy Ways to Build Assets for and with Your Child Return to Table of Contents

FAST FACTS

ASSETS: The Power of Parenting Most parents meet their children’s basic needs and contribute significantly— more than anyone else—to their children’s healthy growth and development.

Parent Quote “My children are always my priority. I make sure I am always there for my children…I had my first child at age 15. None of my children who are over 15 are parents. The fact that they don’t have children means I’m successful.”

Others Can Share in What You Do Already

B

uilding strong families—it’s what most parents want to do.

In their report Building Strong Families, Search Institute and the YMCA surveyed 1,005 parents in the United States. The majority of those surveyed said they felt successful as parents most of the time. Unfortunately, the parents of many families are scrutinized by the public for what they’re not doing and what they’re doing wrong. This image is so common that in The Possible Dream, another Search Institute study, many lower-income families didn’t even know how much they were already doing for their children. That’s why parents appreciate the strength-based approach of asset building. It can provide new motivation and be a helpful tool in identifying and building on the strengths of their children and their families. But even though parents are doing a good job, that doesn’t mean they should do it alone. Parenting provides a lot of challenges, and not every parent can answer every question that comes along the way. The Building Strong Families report also found that most parents are going it alone. Only 36% said it was very true that they turned to

ip : Quick T t you do self wha nt. r u o y l l Te a pare right a s

immediate or extended family for support. And only 20% said it was very true that they turned to friends for support. Just think of all the opportunities for help in your parenting: mothers, sisters, dads, uncles, friends. There are also trusted individuals within supportive institutions such as schools and places of worship. Parents shouldn’t feel afraid to ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s merely acknowledging that a variety of supportive relationships can help your child grow to be a well-rounded individual who feels a great deal of love and support from her or his world.

The Meaning of Success Parents set high standards for themselves. Parents were asked in the Building Strong Families poll how they would define successful parents. Here’s what they said: • Their children are respectful, exhibit good behavior, and have good values. • They give love to their children. • They are involved and make the time to be there for their children. • They help their children lead healthy, productive, successful lives. Next page

What Family Strength Means to Others

T

he Minnesota Family Strength Project summarized findings from focus group sessions of parents from various cultures. Here’s what parents had to say about what family

strength means to them: • “The main uniting factor is listening among family members.” —Somali parent • “Couples support each other, and uncles, aunts through effective communication.” —Chicano/Latino parent • “There’s a hierarchy in some families, but in our family it depends on the situation. We take turns. Whoever feels strong at the time is the leader.” —American Indian parent • “Working together for a common goal.” —African American parent

talk tog et her Questions to disc uss with your ch ild: • Who helps pr ovide our family with support? • What are my strengths as a parent? • What are ou r strengths as a fa mily? What do we do best?

• “Parents must consider children’s ideas, give them a chance to talk, a voice in the family.” —Vietnamese parent • “Tolerance. As a parent, the first thing you learn is you don’t have to agree, but you’ve got to be tolerant.” —African American parent

FiNaL WoRD

arents More Help for P

ed hat Families in Distress The Possible Dream: W cca N. Saito, be Re h Thrive by ut Yo lp He to ed Ne es Communiti information about Nicole R. Hintz presents Theresa K. Sullivan, and pporting s for encouraging and su ge en all ch d an ies nit rtu blished oppo ssed neighborhoods. (Pu tre dis in s ilie fam in ing asset build 88-7828.) earch-institute.org; 800-8 by Search Institute, www.s

“All systems run on energy. In the case of families, energy comes from family members, personalities, heritage, skills, and interests. But it also comes from outside the family system, from other systems and individuals in their interactions with the family.” —James Garbarino This newsletter and other asset resources are produced by Search Institute, www.search-institute.org; 800-888-7828. Copyright © 1997, 2003, 2005 by Search Institute. Major support for Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth initiative is provided by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans.

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FA M I LY & R E L AT I O N S H I P S / PA R E N T I N G

2 .0 Thousands of organizations have used the Ideas for Parents newsletters to deliver fun and functional information to parents. Now this popular product for family-serving professionals is available on CD-ROM as a set of easy-to-use, customizable PDF documents: Ideas for Parents 2.0. Filled with activities, discussion prompts, and practical tips for raising kids, the Ideas for Parents newsletters not only introduce parents to Search Institute’s Developmental Assets™ framework, but inspire them to draw on its commonsense wisdom in their own families. Ideas for Parents includes 52 black-and-white newsletters, one for each week of the calendar year. Each newsletter has two customizable spaces, perfect for inserting an organization’s name, upcoming events, or other initiative-specific information. The newsletter set also includes a User’s Guide, with tips for distribution and printing. An additional instruction sheet on manipulating PDF documents will have users up and running in no time. If you’re an educator, health care professional, congregation leader, or simply interested in spreading the word about positive youth development, Ideas for Parents 2.0 provides the convenience and reliable information you need to communicate with parents.

M A C A N D P C C O M PAT I B L E