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JUST MARRIED Copyright © Alastair Williams, 2007 Illustrations by Ma...
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JUST MARRIED Copyright © Alastair Williams, 2007 Illustrations by Maria Smedstad. All rights reserved. The right of Alastair Williams to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound by Tien Wah Press, Singapore ISBN: 1-84024-570-0 ISBN 13: 978-1-84024-570-7
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For Charlotte
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Introduction If you have just got married or are about to – congratulations! Having decided to tie the knot, you probably planned meticulously for your big day. But during all the preparations for the wedding, have you given much thought to what happens beyond the honeymoon? A happy, rewarding marriage needs plenty of consideration and thought from both sides if it’s to stand the test of time. This book is full of ideas and reminders for keeping your relationship alive, fun and fulfilling. The advice might sound simple, but it’s easy to forget the little things that make all the difference. Keep this book on hand; you may need it now and again. Enjoy being married – it is wonderful.
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Don’t always assume that your partner knows you love them – tell them every day.
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Make the effort to learn about your partner’s likes and dislikes, and remember the small details.
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Enjoy and cherish the things you do for the first time as a married couple and take lots of photos of those special moments.
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Criticising your partner can be very hurtful. It’s made even worse if you do it in front of friends. In short, if you can’t think of anything nice to say then it’s better to say nothing at all.
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If you are ever in a serious argument but you want to stop, try removing your clothes. It is almost guaranteed to defuse the dispute.
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A marriage is a partnership. Responsibilities should be shared. You don’t need to go overboard and create a rota, or worse still a spreadsheet, but make sure you do your fair share and don’t just pick all the jobs that you like.
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‘Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be’
Robert Browning
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We all need personal space in a relationship. Make sure you give each other time to be with friends, to indulge in hobbies or just time to relax. Don’t wait for the other person to ask: make the suggestion.
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It is easy to become complacent in a marriage. Remember how attentive you were when you first met: it might be difficult to maintain that level, but it’s very important not to take your partner for granted.
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Don’t be afraid of being honest about how you feel. If your partner puts you down in public and it upsets you, or they have a habit that really annoys you, tell them, but do it gently.
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Whether or not you think you are right, learn to accept that you and your partner will have different views. A successful marriage is about compromise. Two televisions might help in some circumstances.
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Work as a team. Identify your individual strengths and use this to your advantage. Perhaps one of you is a whizz in the kitchen, whilst the other has a talent for sorting your finances out. Let your partner excel at what they are good at and don’t try to take over.
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‘Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction’
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Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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Take time to listen to your partner. Ask them how their day went. If they have had a stressful day at work, let them tell you about it. Don’t interrupt, and avoid automatically trying to find a solution or making a judgement. Just listen. Above all, don’t use the phrase, ‘My day was worse’.
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Look after your marriage. Show more love to it than you do to your car, garden, dog or friends.
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Make sure you both have access to money. Being in the situation where you have to ask your partner for a handout is old-fashioned and demeaning.
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Get your wedding album out occasionally and relive the happy day. It’s always good fun looking at all the people you thought it was a good idea to invite at the time and whom you haven’t seen since.
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If you find that you don’t ever seem to talk to each other, try going for a walk. Rather than enduring the forced setting of a face-to-face discussion, or being tempted to watch television, get out of the house and go for a stroll.
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‘What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility’
Leo Tolstoy
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Having a close relationship with your parents can have its benefits. They can be helpful in showing you how to prune a rosebush or put together a wardrobe, but don’t let them take this instructive role too far. You don’t have to live your life in the manner in which your parents did.
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Don’t be afraid of physical contact with your partner. A little kiss, a squeeze on the arm or a shoulder rub is the perfect way to show you care. Try not to pat them on the head like a dog.
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Never make comparisons between your partner and your exes, especially on the subject of sex.
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When saying goodbye to your partner, always leave things on a good note. However morbid it might seem, you would never forgive yourself if you said something unpleasant and it was the last time you saw them.
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Take the time to eat together at the table or, better still, cook a meal together. A marriage needs communication for it to work. If you are both at work all day and then spend the evening watching television, you won’t have a lot of time to talk to each other.
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Think about your marriage vows. It is easy to say them the day you get married and never give them any thought again. Say them to each other on your wedding anniversary.
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‘A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person’
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Mignon McLaughlin
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Don’t wait for your anniversary or partner’s birthday to do something to make them feel special. Be spontaneous, but be original; don’t rely on the offerings of your 24-hour garage.
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Say something flattering to your partner every day. Even better, compliment your partner in public.
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Sex is an important part of any marriage. Make time for it, and ask what your partner likes and dislikes.
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Money is the most common cause of arguments within a marriage. Be open with your finances. If you think your partner spends too much, talk to them rationally and calmly. Remember, you can’t live a champagne lifestyle on beer money.
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Be imaginative with your present buying. If your partner casually mentions that they like something, make a mental note of it, then surprise them many months later.
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‘It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages’
Friedrich Nietzsche
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If your partner is showing symptoms of ‘man flu’ or is being somewhat emotional around that time of the month, be sympathetic. A little TLC or a bar of chocolate can go a long way in these situations.
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If you have to go away on business, make sure you phone home once a day. Don’t forget to say that you miss them, and don’t go on too much about what a fantastic time you are having.
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Be forgiving in your relationship. No one can be perfect all the time.
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Don’t take the risks you would have done as a single person. If you have a passion for dangerous sports and are accident-prone, then consider taking up a hobby that is a little more sedate.
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As well as getting out your wedding album occasionally, it is a good idea to go through your other old photos. This is a nice way of reminding yourself of the fun times you have had together. It might be worth ditching any pictures of previous partners.
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‘A good marriage is at least 80 per cent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust’
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Nanette Newman
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Telling the truth in all situations, although admirable, is not always beneficial. If your partner asks, ‘Do you like my new hairstyle?’, be positive and encouraging. Under no circumstances tell them it sucks, or – only slightly worse – that ‘it’s fine’.
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Look for the good in your relationship; don’t focus on the negatives.
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You will be amazed how a simple act of thoughtfulness can bring a great deal of happiness. Offer to make your partner a cup of tea in bed, even when it’s not your turn.
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Just because you have got married, it is no excuse to stop taking pride in your appearance. If you don’t respect your own body, then it will be difficult for your partner to. Eat a healthy diet, and do some form of exercise at least once a week. You could even find a fun activity to do together.
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Your life and that of your partner might not always be running in parallel. One of you might be in a fulfilling job, the other might be in the job from hell. Be aware of the differences and support each other in every aspect.
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‘There is nothing more lovely in life than the union of two people whose love for one another has grown through the years, from the small acorn of passion, into a great rooted tree’
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Vita Sackville-West
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Try writing down what you both expect for the future. Do this early on in your relationship so you can find out fairly soon whether or not you both have the same goals. There is no point in finding these things out many years later.
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If there is a problem with your relationship that is worrying you, don’t ignore it. Sit down and discuss it. If you do nothing about it, the issue is likely to get worse.
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Even if you have two left feet, dance with your partner when you are at a party. Couples who do this always seem to have more fun, and it’s also romantic. Besides, you are less likely to feel stupid if you are up there shaking it with someone else.
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Don’t keep secrets from each other. Be open with your phone calls, texts and even passwords on your home computer.
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If you find the spark is missing from your relationship, try something new together. It’s important to avoid getting stuck in a rut, so break your routine every once in a while.
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‘The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters’
Harold Nicolson
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Your partner is probably not a mind-reader. If you want something particular from your relationship, tell them.
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A happy marriage is not about point scoring. Don’t get into petty conversations along the lines of ‘Well I did the shopping last week, so it must be your turn tonight.’ This type of behaviour can escalate.
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Learn to massage. Physical contact through massage can be rewarding. If you don’t have a clue what you are doing, buy a book or a DVD on the subject. Better still, go on a course.
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Write a love note or letter to your partner, and don’t be afraid of telling them how you really feel.
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Remember that if you ever reach a stage where you are not sure how to deal with your concerns, there are other options. Talking out your problems with a neutral party who can offer impartial advice could help put your relationship back on track.
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‘The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes’
Amy Grant
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Don’t let the fact that you are married stop you going out on dates together. Dress up and make an effort. You don’t have to go to a flash restaurant, just somewhere you can enjoy sharing quality time.
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Never forget your anniversary.
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Being partners is only half of the equation; you should also be good friends. Spend time doing things that you both enjoy and try to find friends whom you both like.
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Whether it is remembering to put the loo seat down, putting the cap back on the toothpaste or de-hairing the bath drain, show some consideration.
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A television in the bedroom can kill any chance of romance or even conversation. Remove it and see if you notice a change for the better.
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The key to a successful and happy marriage is mutual respect. Tell your partner that you think they are good at what they do and learn to accept their decisions, even if you don’t always agree with them.
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‘A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short’
André Maurois
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Make plans to get away for weekends together. A different environment can do wonders for keeping your relationship fresh.
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Don’t stop holding hands.
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www.summersdale.com
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