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r i a h t l b i o w ld Parisian f nce
o m R e a a c n L
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LaRomance-Full Cover
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r i a h t l b i o w ld Parisian f nce
o m R e a a c n L
These evocative, enticing and sometimes challenging questions will bring you and your partner closer and introduce a certain je ne sais quoi into any relationship.
La Romance
Explore what each of you would and wouldn’t do for each other. (Throw away your TV? Change your religion? Go to a nudist camp?) What makes you insanely jealous, and what doesn’t matter at all? Were either of you afraid of falling in love? What were you afraid of? What are the things you adore the most about each other? What are the things you would change if you could?
Guaranteed to provide hours of fun, intimacy and excitement with a dash of daring and definite panache. STEPHANE RIBEIRO
Relationships $12.95 U.S./$15.50 CAN/£6.99 U.K.
EAN
www.sourcebooks.com
UPC
ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1019-8 ISBN-10: 1-4022-1019-1
Over 2,000 Questions about the Most Beautiful Love Story: Yours! Stephane Ribeiro Translated from the French by William Rodarmor
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o m R ance a L
Over 2,000 Questions about the Most Beautiful Love Story: Yours! Stéphane Ribeiro Translated from the French by William Rodarmor
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Text copyright © 2006 by Editions des Arènes, Paris English-language translation copyright © 2007 by William Rodarmor Cover and internal design © 2008 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover photo © Getty Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews— without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1649-7 Originally published in French as Tout sur Nous by Editions des Arènes, Paris (2006). ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1019-8 ISBN-10: 1-4022-1019-1
Printed and bound in the United States of America DO 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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dic ation e D For Stéphanie, of course, but also Boo, Papa, Maman, and my cat Bada. —S.R. For Toby, the love of my life. —W.R.
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ents t n o C Foreword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .vi Introduction: Once Upon a Time There Were the Two of Us . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Chapter 1: The Story of Our Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 Your First Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 Your First Kiss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Your First Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 Your Earliest Beginnings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 The Two of You and Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 A Memory Book to Fill Out Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16
Chapter 2: Learning about the Other Person . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 General Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Your Childhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Your Friends . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Your Preferences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 Your Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Your Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Your Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 You, Men, Women, and Vice-Versa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Test #1: Do You Know Your Partner as Well as You Think?. . . . . . . . . . . 50
Chapter 3: The Two of Us Today . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60 Notebook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Life Together. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64 You, Your Partner, and the Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Test #2:Who Does What? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Test #3: Is He Just a Man Like Any Other? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 Test #4: Is She Just a Woman Like Any Other?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Test #5: Has Your Passion Endured? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
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You and Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87 You and Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .94
Chapter 4: The Things That Make You Angry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .101 So Far, So Good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .102 Darling, There’s Something I Have to Tell You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 You and Your In-Laws . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115 Your Fights . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119 You and Infidelity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .127 You and Your Exes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .132 You and Being Single . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .143
Chapter 5: Intimate Confessions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146 Your Little Secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .147 Your Big Secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150 The Little Weaknesses You Can’t Resist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .152 Your Fears . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .158 Your Life Principles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159 Rapid-Fire Confessions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161
Chapter 6: Want to Try Something Sexy? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171 Preliminaries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .172 You Two and Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .183 Fantasies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .192
Chapter 7: The Best Is Yet to Come . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .199 Back to the Future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 Your Future Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .210
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word e r o F
T
his book isn’t like any other book in the world.It isn’t just another story about some couple you don’t know and don’t have anything to do with. No, this book is yours and yours alone. It’s about just one love story—yours. And it tells that story in detail from the very beginning right up to the present, without omitting or exaggerating anything.
La Romance is a question and answer book designed for you to fill out together. It will reveal everything about yourselves, your story, your life together—yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Together we’re going to talk about how the two of you met, your first kiss, your quirks, your fights.We’re going to explore your lives, your tastes, your desires.We’ll find out who you are and why you love each other. You will be able to tell each other everything, remember everything, discover things you never knew about each other,and discuss subjects you would normally never dare broach.Together we’re going to write everything about your whole story. In the following pages you will find very personal questions to answer together. In a moment, each of you is going to go get a pen (you might choose different colors for clarity, but you don’t have to) to tell your story by writing your answers in the boxes and lines provided. Yes, you’re allowed to write in the book! In fact it’s essential.When you’re done,this book will be yours alone, and unlike any other copy of La Romance. (For that matter, you can start by pasting your pictures on the cover to show that this is your story.) We will tackle a variety of topics together, and the questions I ask will often be uncomfortable, and even embarrassing. Try to tell the truth, but always think of writing this book as a game you’re playing together. It can and should generate lively discussions, but it should be a
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way to help you take stock of your story as a couple, not make you uncomfortable. Be open and understanding, and be generous when necessary in order to encourage the other person to tell the truth. Have fun as you set off to discover the man or the woman of your life. There are no good or bad answers, just you two and your love. All the same, you should know that you are allowed not to answer a question that might cause you problems. Simply write “Mystery” instead of the answer called for or skip that question.This is your book, after all. As you’ll see, it would be very hard to fill out this book in a single session. Feel free to take breaks, fill out a chapter from time to time, come back to it later, or fill out some chapters before others. (But start with the Introduction, which follows).There are no rules; this is your book, you can do as you please.Just try to answer the questions together, so that writing the book becomes an experience of mutual exchange and discovery as well as fun.That said, it can also be interesting to answer in your partner’s name. Finally, when your book is filled out, it will be a complete testimonial to your history and your love, a kind of snapshot of the two of you, full of memories and little joys. Guard it preciously; reread it from time to time, the way you look at an old photo album.You might occasionally ask yourself the questions again, or even fill out another book in a few years and see what has changed.Try to maintain the closeness and sincerity that writing this book requires. And remind yourself that in any case, love is inexplicable. It’s now time to write the story of your story. Remember, once upon a time there were the two of you… Stéphane Ribiero
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Page 1
Introduction
Once Upon a Time There Were the Two of Us… In which two lovers introduce themselves in a few words, and make it clear to the world that this book doesn’t belong to just anybody, that it tells a unique story—theirs. So don’t get it mixed up with any other, thank you very much.
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•La Romance•
What is today’s date? Who bought this book? On what occasion was this book bought? This book is going to tell a magnificent love story—namely, that of: (Write your first and last names.) X: Y: Was it hard to determine who was X and who was Y in your relationship? Yes No Do you agree to fill out this book together and to answer all the questions together? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If no, are you prepared to fill out this book as a couple? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
How do you feel about the idea of telling the story of your love in this book? It amuses you X: It excites you It frightens you It dismays you It embarrasses you It intrigues you It surprises you, since you were thinking of separating soon It amuses you Y: It excites you It frightens you It dismays you It embarrasses you It intrigues you It surprises you, since you were thinking of separating soon Why have you agreed to answer the questions in this book? (You may have more than one answer.) You want to share some special time together by getting to know your partner better and sharing your most intimate secrets. No No X: Yes Y: Yes You are having trouble communicating, and this book is a way of opening a different kind of dialogue. No No X: Yes Y: Yes 2
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•Introduction•
You want to find out all about the other person. No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
You enjoy scribbling in a nice, brand new book without being punished. No No X: Yes Y: Yes You’ve been pressured into doing it, and you haven’t come up with a decent excuse not to. No No X: Yes Y: Yes You agreed to do it in exchange for a wild night of lovemaking. No No X: Yes Y: Yes You’re drunk. No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Best not to know, actually. No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Other reason, specify: X:
Y:
Do you think that filling out this book might be risky for you as a couple? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you already expect to lie, if certain questions threaten your relationship? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If so, what subjects would it be best not to tackle (while realizing that we’re going to do so anyway)? X: Y:
3
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Are you also afraid of learning things about your partner that you would just as soon not know? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What subjects are you especially eager to hear from the other person about? (Choose two.) Sex X: Their ex Their view of fidelity Their childhood What they like about you What they don’t like about you Your way of kissing What they thought on the day you first met What frightens them about being in a Their mother Other, specify: relationship Nothing in particular Sex Y: Their ex Their view of fidelity Their childhood What they like about you What they don’t like about you Your way of kissing What they thought on the day you first met What frightens them about being in a Their mother Other, specify: relationship Nothing in particular As you get ready to launch into the story of your life together, how do you feel? Pretty good.You feel confident. X: Very good. Let’s go! So-so.You’re not crazy about this thing. Not so good.Why don’t we quit? Pretty good.You feel confident. Y: Very good. Let’s go! So-so.You’re not crazy about this thing. Not so good.Why don’t we quit? In all honesty, do you think you’re with the right person in life here, today, right now? No Pass We’ll see at the end of the book. X: Yes No Pass We’ll see at the end of the book. Y: Yes Before we start, would you mind kissing each other tenderly? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If you answered “Yes,” you can close this book and switch on the television.
4
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Chapter 1
The Story of Our Story In which our heroic couple examines their past and the start of their shared story, so as to agree once and for all on how it all began. Overcome by a rush of intense feelings and memories, each is led to make declarations of love that, while sparked by the nature of the questions, are nonetheless sincere.
W
hether you’ve been together for ten days or ten years, your story must have started somewhere, and you probably remember it with a big, slightly goofy
smile on your face.Well, you can keep wearing the smile, because in this first chapter we’re going to start with how everything began between you: your first meeting, your first feelings, your first kiss.When you say it like that, it seems simple, but you’ll see that agreeing on the details isn’t all that easy. Good luck.
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•La Romance•
Your First Meeting How long have you been together?________________________________________________ When did you first meet?_______________________________________________________ Where was that??____________________________________________________________ Thanks to what (or whom) did you meet?____________________________________________ Did you have trouble agreeing on the four preceding questions? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What did you think of the other person the first time you met them? X:_______________________________________________________________________ Y:_______________________________________________________________________ Who took the first step to talk to the other person? Impossible to reach consensus X: Y: How would you describe that first meeting? Warm X: Intense Trivial Tense Pleasant Wonderful Uninteresting Frankly, I’ve forgotten
Y: Intense Trivial Pleasant Uninteresting
Warm Tense Wonderful Frankly, I’ve forgotten
What was the first thing you liked about the other person? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What was the second thing? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ Who started flirting first? X: Y:
Impossible to reach consensus
What was each person’s main flirting technique? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ Who phoned the other first? X: Y:
Impossible to reach consensus
6
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•Chapter 1•
How soon after that did you see each other again? X: Y: How soon did you start having erotic dreams involving the other person? X: Y: Did you immediately think, “This is the one”? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you immediately think your chances were good? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Your First Kiss How soon after your first meeting did you kiss? What was it about the other person that made you give in? X: Y: Who tried to kiss whom? X: Y:
Impossible to reach consensus
Do you really remember it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you expect that first kiss? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
When did it happen? Where? What time was it? No With tongues? Yes What exactly led to that first kiss? 7
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•La Romance•
/10
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate that first kiss? X:
Y:
/10
Do you think that you have been together “for real” since this first kiss? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Did that kiss make you intensely desire the other person? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Your First Time How soon after that kiss did you make love for the first time? Do you remember it well? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Was it as good as you imagined? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, what made that first time so wonderful? X:
Y:
Where was it? About what time was it?
If no, what was disappointing? (Several answers possible.) The preliminaries X: The setting The length of the act The orgasm The amount of snuggling afterward The other person’s smell Other: The preliminaries Y: The setting The length of the act The orgasm The amount of snuggling afterward The other person’s smell Other: 8
The lack of romance The other person’s naked body The lack of imagination The lack of romance The other person’s naked body The lack of imagination
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•Chapter 1•
What did you not dare do or say during that first time? X: Y: What should you have not done or said during that first time? X: Y: Did you want to do it again right away? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you spend the night together after that first time? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What did you think after that first time? X: Y: At some point, did you think you’d made a mistake? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, why? X: Y: Finally, what grade out of 20 would you give that first time? X: / 20 Y: / 20
9
No
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•La Romance•
Your Earliest Beginnings Who did you first tell about the other person? X:
Y:
What did you tell them? (Approximately, of course.) X: Y: What word comes to mind to describe the state of your relationship then? X: Y: What made your partner unique in your eyes at that moment? X: Y: What were you mostly thinking about then? X: Y: Honestly, how long did you think you would spend with the other person at that time? A few days A few weeks X: A few hours Six months, tops Maybe a year Two or three years All my life No idea A few days A few weeks Y: A few hours Six months, tops Maybe a year Two or three years All my life No idea At the very start of your relationship, carried away by the passion of your first moments together, did you… Write beautiful poems for the other person? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Spend hours waiting for the phone to ring? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
10
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•Chapter 1•
Try to hide certain faults from the other person? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Try to appear more cultured than you were? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Avoid introducing the other person to your friends? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Know immediately that you were made for each other? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Feel that the other person was invading your space? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Lie about your work? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Give them a stuffed animal as a present? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Make love for hours? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Say “I love you” very soon? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
At the start of your relationship, what did you do to impress the other person? X: Y: What did you do with the other person that you had never done before? X: Y: 11
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•La Romance•
What was the most romantic thing the other person did out of love for you then? X: Y: What did you find most physically attractive about the other person then? X: Y: What did you find most intellectually attractive about the other person then? X: Y: How soon did you feel like introducing the other person to your parents? X: Y: Thinking about it today, what is the best memory you have of your early days together? X: Y: What were the details that led you to realize that you might be falling in love for real? X: Y: Did that frighten you? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Does that still frighten you today? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
12
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•Chapter 1•
The Two of You and Love How long did it take you to move from “I like him/I like her” to “I love him/I love her”? A few days A few weeks X: Immediately A few months A year Other: A few days A few weeks Y: Immediately A few months A year Other: When was the last time you said “I love you” to the other person? X: Y: Did the other person immediately answer “I love you too,” without even thinking? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you remember when you said “I love you” to the other person for the first time? No, sorry X: Yes, it was No, sorry Y: Yes, it was Could you say “I love you” to the other person right now? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, say it; it’s always nice to hear. With a little bit of luck, you’ll get a kiss to celebrate. What were the three details that made you fall in love with the other person? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3.
13
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•La Romance•
What were the three signs that proved to you that, “Yes, this is the one”? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. Were you afraid of falling in love with the other person? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If so, why? X: Y: Did you fight it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Are you still fighting it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you sometimes watch the other person sleeping? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Today, do you to feel ready to do anything out of love for them? No No X: Yes Y: Yes For example, out of love for the other person could you… X: Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Be very jealous? Change religion? Go live in the sticks? Throw out the TV? Have children? Lose 60 pounds? 14
Y: No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No
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•Chapter 1•
Stop seeing your friends? Join a swingers club? Allow them to have a lover? Let yourself be whipped? Visit a nudist colony? Have all your hair removed? Tattoo their name somewhere? Agree to a threesome? Propose marriage? Alienate your entire family? Change political opinions? Run water in the sink to cover noises from the toilet? Brush your teeth before kissing in the morning? Wear their underwear? Drop everything to go live at the ends of the Earth? Propose marriage on television? Wash their private parts, if necessary? Give them a kidney? Loan them your car? Get into a fight? Endorse their taking drugs? Shave your head? Decide to die together?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
At the very moment I’m asking you this question, compared to the beginning of your relationship, do you feel… Less in love Equally in love What is this, a trick question? X: More in love Less in love Equally in love What is this, a trick question? Y: More in love Are you happy together today? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you think you have found the man or the woman of your life? No No X: Yes Y: Yes 15
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•La Romance•
Are you sure? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
A Memory Book to Fill Out Together Do you remember those first moments you spent together? The first movie you saw? Your first present? Your first fear? If so, write down those absolutely essential moments below as accurately as possible. If not, get ready for some long discussions to help you remember and agree.
First movie together? First concert? First restaurant meal? First nickname or pet name given to the other person? X: Y: First gift received that you remember? X: Y: First dance? First weekend? First vacation? First argument? First love nest? First great happiness? X: Y: First tears? X: Y: First fault found in the other person? X: Y: First regrets? X: Y: What love letter do you particularly remember? X: Y:
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•Chapter 1•
What song reminds you of the start of your relationship? X: Y: List the six greatest moment of happiness you shared: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. List six movies you remember having gone to see together: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. List six restaurants you used to eat at: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. List six places you enjoyed visiting together: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 17
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Chapter 2
Learning about the Other Person In which our two heroes are swept away in a whirlwind of confidences and wind up revealing to each other who they really are, and in which, by sly questioning, we see whether our two heroes know each other as well as they claim to or want us to believe.
A
fter the bliss of a wonderful meeting and the start of an exciting romance, it’s time to start finding out who the other person is, what they like, and what they think.
If you don’t know everything about the other person already, this second chapter will teach you a great deal. If you think you already know them well, you’ll quickly be able to check. It’s now time to share secrets, even if not all truths should appear in print.
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General Introduction What is your birthdate? X: Y:
This means you are This means you are
What is your astrological sign? X:
Y:
Did you check to see if your respective signs are compatible? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If so, are they? No X: Yes
No
Who cares?
Y: Yes
years old. years old.
Who cares?
When you read the horoscopes, which one do you start with? X: Mine My partner’s I never read the horoscopes Y: Mine My partner’s I never read the horoscopes Do you like your first name? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you have any other given names? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If so, what are they? X: Y: Have you ever tried to hide these names from your partner or from anyone else? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If so, which of your given names do you hate the most? X: Y: 19
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What would you have liked your first name to be? X: Y: What did your parents call you when you were little? X: Y: What nicknames have your friends given you? X:
Y:
What nickname do you like best? X: For yourself: Y: For yourself:
For your partner: For your partner:
What part of the world did you grow up in? X:
Y:
Where do you really feel most at home? X:
Y:
How would you describe yourself in a single word? X: Y: Do you have any distinguishing marks? X:
Y:
What surgical operations have you had? X:
Y:
What was your first paid job? X:
Y:
What is your job now? X:
Y: 20
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•Chapter 2•
Are you happy working at that job? X: Yes, completely Yes; it doesn’t pay well, but I like it No, but you don’t always have a choice No, my boss is a jerk Y: Yes, completely Yes; it doesn’t pay well, but I like it No, but you don’t always have a choice No, my boss is a jerk
Yes; it’s boring but it pays well Yes, but I’d still like to change jobs No, it doesn’t suit me No, but I expect to change jobs soon Yes; it’s boring but it pays well Yes, but I’d still like to change jobs No, it doesn’t suit me No, but I expect to change jobs soon
Do you work too much? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Does your partner think you work too much? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If you could, what kind of work would you like to do someday? X: Y: What job would you absolutely never want to have? X: Y: What unusual talent do you have that most surprises or would surprise your partner? X: Y: Has your name ever appeared in a newspaper? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If so, what was the newspaper and what was the occasion? X: Y:
21
No
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•La Romance•
Were you proud of that? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you buy extra copies of that paper? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you hope to be in a newspaper again soon? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What time do you get up in the morning? X:
Y:
What puts you in a good mood in the morning? X: Y: What puts you in a bad mood in the morning? X: Y: Which side of the bed do you like to sleep on? I don’t care X: Right Left
Y: Right
Left
I don’t care
You prefer to sleep with the window… X: Open Closed I don’t care
Y: Open
Closed
I don’t care
You usually sleep… In pajamas X: Naked In a baby doll On your back With one foot sticking out In pajamas Y: Naked In a baby doll On your back With one foot sticking out
In a T-shirt On your stomach
In a nightgown On your side
In a T-shirt On your stomach
In a nightgown On your side
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•Chapter 2•
What do you eat in the morning? X:
Y:
When you are thirsty, what do you usually drink? X: Y: What can always be found in your refrigerator? X:
Y:
What animals are you afraid of? X:
Y:
When was the last time you cried? X:
Y:
Why did you cry then? X: Y: What five things do you think you’re really good at? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
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•La Romance•
What couldn’t you do, even if your life depended on it? (Select all that apply.) Change a baby’s diapers X: Program a VCR Dance the tango Kill a spider Separate the whites and colors when Say no to your parents doing the laundry Spend less than an hour in the bathroom Eat tripe Live without television Not buy outrageously expensive shoes Wear a thong Eat your boogers Talk about sex with your parents Get rid of your phone Speak in public Walk on your hands Stay faithful Change a baby’s diapers Y: Program a VCR Dance the tango Kill a spider Separate the whites and colors when Say no to your parents doing the laundry Spend less than an hour in the bathroom Eat tripe Live without television Not buy outrageously expensive shoes Wear a thong Eat your boogers Talk about sex with your parents Get rid of your phone Speak in public Walk on your hands Stay faithful What talents would you like to have? X: Y: What talents would you not want to have? X: Y: Who or what do you look like physically? X:
Y:
24
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•Chapter 2•
Who or what would you like to look like physically? X: Y: What person in your life would you most want to be proud of you? X: Y: Whose advice do you always listen to? X:
Y:
Who has hurt you the most in your life? X:
Y:
Who would you not want to get a phone call from right now? X: Y: What fault can you most easily forgive? X:
Y:
What fault can you never forgive? X:
Y:
What is the most important thing that you have in your wallet, purse, or pocket? X: Y: Why? X: Y: If your house were on fire, what would you save first? X: Y: What is the most expensive thing you have ever bought (aside from real estate)? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
What would you like to inherit from your parents, spiritually? X: Y: What would you like to inherit from your parents, materially? X: Y: What is the most important date in your life? X:
Y:
What would you do if you couldn’t work for a long period of time? X: Y: If you were one of the four cardinal points, which one would you be? X: North South East West Y: North South If you were one of the five senses, which one would you be? Smell Taste X: Sight Taste Smell Y: Sight
East
West
Touch Touch
Hearing Hearing
If you were one of the seven days of the week, which one would you be? X: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Y: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Saturday Saturday
Sunday Sunday
If you were one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would you be? Doc Sleepy Grumpy X: Sneezy Dopey Grumpy Dopey Doc Sleepy Y: Sneezy
Happy Happy
Bashful Bashful
If you were one of the Seven Deadly Sins, which one would you be? Envy Lust Gluttony Avarice X: Wrath Envy Lust Gluttony Avarice Y: Wrath
Pride Pride
Sloth Sloth
If you were one of the fifty states, which one would you be? X: Y: 26
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•Chapter 2•
What do you do when the television is off? X: Y: Who did you say “no” to most recently? X:
Y:
What was your worst New Year’s Eve ever? X: Y: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to seduce somebody? X: Y: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done or said in your life? X: Y: What wild animal must absolutely be saved from extinction? X: Y: What are you thinking about right now? X: Y: In your life today, you feel generally… (Select all that apply.) Anxious Optimistic X: Happy Calm Overwhelmed Depressed Motivated Proud Nervous Optimistic Anxious Y: Happy Calm Overwhelmed Depressed Motivated Proud Nervous
27
Worried Tired Well Worried Tired Well
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•La Romance•
What might keep you from being happy today? X: Y: What do you think is your purpose in life? (If you don’t know, think about it. I’ll ask the question again a little later.) X: Y:
Your Childhood What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you remember your childhood? X: Y: What is your Proustian madeleine? X:
Y:
What was your favorite pet when you were little? X: Y: What was the name of your favorite stuffed animal, toy, or doll? X: Y: Who was your best friend when you were little? X:
Y:
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? X: Y: What sports did you play when you were a child? X: Y:
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•Chapter 2•
What musical instrument did you play when you were a child? X: Y: What was the dumbest thing you did when you were a kid? X: Y: How were you usually punished when you did something bad? X: Y: What was your greatest accomplishment when you were a kid? X: Y: What was really nice when you were little? X:
Y:
When you were a kid, what would you have thought of your adult self? X: Y: Did you like school when you were a kid? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Were you a good student? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What was your best subject? X:
Y:
Who did you have a crush on in elementary school? X: Y: Who was your favorite teacher? X:
Y:
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•La Romance•
What bad habit did your parents train you out of while you were growing up? X: Y: What bad habit have you kept from your childhood? X: Y: What was the worst part about growing up? X: Pimples Your relationship with your parents Your clothes Making friends Not being thought cool Not knowing what to do in life Y: Pimples Your relationship with your parents Your clothes Making friends Not being thought cool Not knowing what to do in life
Your weight Your hair Your grades Flirting Being made fun of Getting up in the morning Your weight Your hair Your grades Flirting Being made fun of Getting up in the morning
Did you resent your parents when you were a teenager? What for? X: Y: For what specific reasons should you be thankful to your parents? X: Y: Have you said “I love you” to your parents? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you graduated from high school? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
30
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•Chapter 2•
What did you do after high school? X:
Y:
How old were you when you moved out of your parents’ house? X: Y: Why did you leave? X:
Y:
What did you drink the very first time you got drunk? X: Y: How old were you? X:
Y:
What was the first piece of recorded music you ever bought? X: Y: What was your first car? X:
Y:
Have you ever been in an accident? X: Y: What was the address of the first place where you lived alone? X: Y: What different cities have you lived in? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
How much schooling have you had? X: Y: Are you sorry you didn’t work harder in school, the way your parents told you to? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What have you enjoyed as you’ve grown older? X: Y: In what way would you like to be a child today? X:
Y:
When you were a child, at what age did you think you would get married? X: Y: When you were a child, when did you think people started getting old? X: Y: Today, when do you think people start getting old? X: Y: In your mind, how old are you today? X:
Y:
32
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•Chapter 2•
What age would you like to stay forever? X: 6 12 16 21 25 29 30 35 40 50 The age I am now:
Y: 6 12 16 21 25 29 30 35 40 50 The age I am now:
Your Friends How many close friends do you have today? X:
Y:
Who are your five best friends today? (First and last names; the year you met; what activity is best done with that friend.) X: 1. whom I met in and who is perfect for 2. whom I met in and who is perfect for 3. whom I met in and who is perfect for 4. whom I met in and who is perfect for 5. whom I met in and who is perfect for
33
. . . . .
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•La Romance•
Y: 1. and who is perfect for 2. and who is perfect for 3. and who is perfect for 4. and who is perfect for 5. and who is perfect for
whom I met in . whom I met in . whom I met in . whom I met in . whom I met in .
Which friends do you see most often today? X: Y: Which friends did you make most recently? X: Y: Which friends are you sorry you don’t see as often as you used to? X: Y: Which friends would you ask to help you move? X: Y: Which childhood friend do you see most often? X:
Y:
Which friend should you call soon? X:
Y:
34
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•Chapter 2•
Who are your friends at work? X:
Y:
Who would you like to run into again to show them what you have become? X: Y: Which friends are you sorry to have lost during your life? X: Y: Among the people around you, which five people most get on your nerves? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Among your friends, which ones really didn’t like your partner in the beginning? X: Y: Who do you like best among your partner’s friends? X: Y: Which of your partner’s friends has really become your friend? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
Who would you like to make friends with today? X: Y:
Your Preferences What’s your favorite word? X:
Y:
What word do you hate? X:
Y:
What is your favorite saying, proverb, or quotation? X: Y: What popular saying or expression do you hate? X: Y: What is your favorite noise? X:
Y:
What noise do you hate? X:
Y:
What is your favorite smell? X:
Y:
What smell do you hate? X:
Y:
What’s your favorite swear word or insult? X:
Y: 36
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•Chapter 2•
What swear word or insult do you say most often? X: Y: What is your favorite animal? X:
Y:
What animal do you hate? X:
Y:
What monument or view would you like to have outside your bedroom window? X: Y: What do you like about yourself, physically? X:
Y:
What do you hate about yourself, physically? X:
Y:
Aside from your partner, who do you think is the sexiest person in the world? X: Y: Who is the world’s least sexy person? X:
Y:
What do you like to do when you’re not doing anything? X: Y: What especially makes you laugh? X:
Y:
What do you not find at all funny? X:
Y:
37
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•La Romance•
What do you like a lot about your family? X:
Y:
What about your family do you not really like? X:
Y:
What do you like to do on Sunday? X: Y: What is your favorite hair conditioner scent? X:
Y:
What movie or program do you like to watch when you’re exhausted? X: Y: Where do you like to sit at home? X:
Y:
What song do you hate to have stuck in your head? X: Y: In general, what is your biggest complaint in life? X: Y: What is your greatest pleasure in life? X: Y:
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•Chapter 2•
Your Choices Just between us, honestly you lean to… X: Y: Mom Being handsome Spending Wine Scented candles Karate lessons New York Taking a nap Your parents Lace Sitcoms Risk Beach The Met Living together Vacation alone Good food Going dancing Phillips Mickey Mouse House and garden Washington Post Buy Cigarette The ’60s Life in town N.Y. Knicks Small, real breasts Original
or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or 39
Dad Being rich Saving Beer Potpourri Piano lessons San Francisco Sleeping in Your in-laws Cotton Old movies Safety Mountains MOMA Living apart Family vacation Good sex Going drinking Sony Donald Duck Apartment with a view New York Times Rent Chewing gum The ’80s Life in the country L.A. Lakers Big, fake breasts Remake
X:
Y:
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•La Romance•
Tea Take it Bird in hand Train Shaven Mozart Keep a secret Monopoly Lighter Stop Appetizer and entrée Razor Roosevelt Bus Luke Skywalker Ahead Sail Boys Citizen Kane Fear of the dentist Fans Batman Cosmo Pill Plan Be ridiculous French fries Computer Angel Shower Faithful lover Sex and the City Black Dawn
or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or 40
Coffee Leave it Two in the bush Plane Unshaven Bach Break a scoop Trivial Pursuit Matches Go Entrée and dessert Hot wax Eisenhower Subway Han Solo Astern Motor Girls Casablanca Fear of spiders Air conditioning Superman Vogue Condom Improvise Be in control Salad Typewriter Devil Bubble bath Good lover Friends White Twilight
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•Chapter 2•
Brigitte Bardot Salty Porsche Dogs Nike Cantaloupes Movie star Rare Windows open
or or or or or or or or or
Marilyn Monroe Sweet Ferrari Cats Adidas Watermelons Singing star Medium-well Windows closed
Your Beliefs Do you vote (aside from reality TV, that is)? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If not, what is your main reason? X: Y: Politically, how would you describe yourself? X:
Y:
Before getting to this question, did you know your partner’s political opinions? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Could you fall in love and live with someone whose political opinions were the opposite of yours? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What outrages you today? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
What was the last demonstration you marched in? X: Y: What would make you join another demonstration today? X: Y: Who would you like to have running the country today? X: Y: Have you gotten into a physical fight since becoming an adult? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What caused the fight? X: Y: Are you religious? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you practice your faith? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Religiously, how would you describe yourself? X:
Y:
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•Chapter 2•
For you, God is… (Select all that apply.) X: An old man with a beard floating in the clouds A concept A woman with twelve arms A need A point of reference Love Lousy at after-sale customer service Dangerous A terrific marketing idea A fine excuse Very hard on his son Michael Jordan A fat man dressed in orange wearing flip-flops Y: An old man with a beard floating in the clouds A concept A woman with twelve arms A need A point of reference Love Lousy at after-sale customer service Dangerous A terrific marketing idea A fine excuse Very hard on his son Michael Jordan A fat man dressed in orange wearing flip-flops Does your partner’s position on religion suit you? No X: Yes Y: Yes
43
No
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•La Romance•
What do you really believe in… X: Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
God? The devil? Justice? Homeopathy? The Star Wars Force? Extraterrestrials? The Bible, the Torah, the Quran, and the like? Viagra? Platonic friendship? Ghosts? Peace in the Middle East? The Loch Ness monster? Sex after 60? Harry Potter? Superstitions and spells? Fairies? Infomercial salespeople? The Da Vinci Code? Democracy? A better life? Telepathy? Information technology? Progress? Jurassic Park? Liberalism? Communism? Happiness? The usefulness of this book? Yourself? Are you superstitious? No X: Yes
Y: Yes 44
Y: No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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•Chapter 2•
If yes, what are your superstitious habits? (More than one answer possible.) X: You pick four-leaf clovers You knock on wood You never walk under ladders You avoid black cats You cross your fingers You play at,“If I’m able to do this, then…” You consider Friday the 13th lucky or unlucky You tell actors to “break a leg” You don’t open umbrellas indoors You don’t step on cracks in the sidewalk What is your lucky number? X:
Y:
Do you have a lucky charm? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If yes, what is it? X:
Y:
Do you know that being superstitious brings bad luck? No X: Yes Y: Yes
45
No
No
Y:
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•La Romance•
Your Dreams Who do you dream of being? X:
Y:
What historical period do you dream of living in? X: Y: What superpower do you dream of having? X:
Y:
What natural ability would you like to have? X:
Y:
If you had a magic wand, how would you use it? X: Y: What is your most frequent dream? X: Y: What person would you like to bring back to life? X: Y: What person from your past would you like to meet again some day? X: Y:
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•Chapter 2•
You sometimes dream of being . . . (Select all that apply.) Taller X: Better looking Stronger Richer Funnier Famous Braver Less hairy Less good-looking Married with three children At school in your pajamas An orphan Alone at the ends of the Earth An astronaut Not in a relationship (but shhh!) Taller Y: Better looking Stronger Richer Funnier Famous Braver Less hairy Less good-looking Married with three children At school in your pajamas An orphan Alone at the ends of the Earth An astronaut Not in a relationship (but shhh!) If you were to write a book some day, what would it be about? X: Y: What would you like to be able to do some day? X:
Y:
Where would you like to be at this very moment? X: Y: Where would you like to be in ten years? X:
Y:
47
Thinner Smarter A bird Less intelligent In the street in your slippers A sausage A better cook Thinner Smarter A bird Less intelligent In the street in your slippers A sausage A better cook
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•La Romance•
If pills existed that would let you do the following things, which three would you get a prescription for immediately? A pill to… Never have to shave or wax again Finally get along with your mother Become blond without inconvenience Be able to instantly seduce anybody Never have ugly children Instantly acquire a German accent Be able to tolerate football on television Make love five times a day Have the self-confidence to ask for a raise Know how to operate your computer Sing in key Instantly play the piano Understand and like rap music Tell jokes in public
X:
Y:
You, Men, Women, and Vice-Versa What do you like about men? X: Y: What do you like about women? X: Y: What’s the first thing you look at in a man or woman? X: Y:
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•Chapter 2•
What’s the last thing you look at in a man or woman? X: Y: In matters of love, are you the kind who makes the first move? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If you are a man, what three things do you envy about women? Intuition Breasts Sensitivity Make-up Dresses Lacy lingerie Good taste Maternal instinct Charm Smelling good Stiletto heels Power over men The ability to stay faithful Non-hairy face Common sense Belief in platonic friendships Multiple orgasms The ability to not think about sex every eight seconds The ability to have a child If you are a woman, what three things do you envy about men? Physical strength Non-menstruation Hairy legs Machismo Equal pay for equal work Being able to pee in the street Erectile capacity Being able to flirt with anybody Obvious immaturity Being able to hold your liquor Losing weight easily His relationship with his mother Easy orgasms Lack of cellulite The ability to spot an offside Being able to put on any item of clothing, even dirty ones Being able to hide a double chin behind a beard Depending on whether you are a man or a woman, what is most feminine or masculine about you? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
Have you ever dated an ugly person to get something out of it? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What is a man’s greatest fear? X:__________________________________________________________________ Y:__________________________________________________________________ What is a woman’s greatest fear? X:__________________________________________________________________ Y: __
Test #1: Do You Know Your Partner as Well as You Think? We’re now going to see how well you know your partner by asking you questions about the partner’s life, tastes, and habits. For each question, answer for your partner, then show them your answer. Your partner should check and correct items if necessary. Add up mistakes and correct answers. Whoever has the most correct answers has the right not to do the dishes for a week.
Height? X:____________________________ Correction: ______________________________ Y:____________________________ Correction: ______________________________ Weight? X:____________________________ Correction: ______________________________ Y:____________________________ Correction: ______________________________
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•Chapter 2•
Shoe size? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Birthplace? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Eye color (without looking, of course)? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Distinguishing marks (scars, tattoos, piercings)? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Most advanced degree? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Mother’s first name? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Father’s first name? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite color? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Perfume or cologne? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 51
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•La Romance•
Brand of watch? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite animal? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite flower? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Childhood idol? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Current hero? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite dessert? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite magazine or newspaper? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Boss’s name? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite movie? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 52
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•Chapter 2•
Favorite book? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite song? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite male singer? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite female singer? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite musical group? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite actor? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite actress? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite director? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite news program? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 53
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•La Romance•
Favorite TV series? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite cartoon? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite comic strip? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite comedian? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite superhero? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite holiday? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite pastime? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite parlor game? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite painting? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 54
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•Chapter 2•
Favorite museum? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite vacation spot? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite breakfast beverage? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite bar or restaurant? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite drink or aperitif? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite sport on TV? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite sleepwear? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Least favorite food? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
What does your partner tend to hide? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 55
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•La Romance•
What does your partner enjoy collecting? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite historical character? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite sport when young? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Actor or actress your partner would most like to see naked? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Movie that made your partner cry the most? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Movie that made your partner laugh the hardest? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Favorite dance? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite place to go dancing? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite Disney character? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 56
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•Chapter 2•
Most hated singer? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite swear word when driving? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite socks? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
What do they look at first, when they look in the mirror? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Your partner’s dream car? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite store? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite candy? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Your partner’s dearest wish? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Your partner’s little weakness? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 57
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•La Romance•
Favorite ice cream flavor? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
The most your partner will pay for a pair of shoes? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Favorite subject in school? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Item of clothing your partner is particularly attached to? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Favorite brand? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite football team? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite athlete? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Greatest vacation? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
Favorite lovemaking position? X: Y:
Correction: Correction: 58
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•Chapter 2•
Place on the body where your partner likes being kissed? X: Correction: Y: Correction: The color of your partner’s toothbrush? X: Y:
Correction: Correction:
The color of the underwear your partner is wearing today? X: Correction: Y: Correction: Three things that your partner particularly likes? X: Correction: Correction: Correction: Y: Correction: Correction: Correction: Three things that your partner can’t stand? X:
Y:
Correction: Correction: Correction: Correction: Correction: Correction:
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Chapter 3
The Two of Us Today In which our tenderly intertwined lovers dare to talk about their daily life and the reality of life together, discuss marriage and children, decide who the TV set belongs to, and see if their love is still as strong as ever. They also make it clear that if loving means looking in the same direction together, you still have to watch where you’re stepping.
A
fter meeting and finding each other comes the tricky period of “being together,” living as a couple on a daily, long-term basis. In this absolutely essential third
chapter we are going to tackle daily life, but also ask basic questions about marriage and children, and determine once and for all if the person you love is just like everyone else—which of course we greatly doubt.
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Notebook Look each other in the eyes for a minute, and think about your beginnings, think about today, look at where you live, what you do together, what the other person represents in your eyes, and consider your daily life.
What overall grade would you give yourself as a couple today on a scale of 1 to 10? X: / 10 Y: / 10 What comment would you add to explain that grade? X: ______________________________________________________________________ Y: ______________________________________________________________________ Let’s go further in the qualitative evaluation of your life as a couple.
Today, what grade and comment would give your partner in the following areas? Failing Can do better
Average
Clear improvement
Excellent
Foreplay (caresses, massages, oral sex, striptease, sensuality)? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Sex? X: Grade Y: Grade
Kisses? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Caresses? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
/ 10 / 10
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Housekeeping? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Doing errands? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Physical appearance? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Clothes sense? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Character? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Abs? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
General culture? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Generosity? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Humor? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
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Ability to party? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Ability to find original gifts? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Ability to say “I love you”? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Romantic nature? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Hygiene? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Politeness? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Seductive power? X: Grade / 10 Y: Grade / 10
Sociability? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Courage? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
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Good taste? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Hair? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Family? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Friends? X: Grade Y: Grade
/ 10 / 10
Life Together How are you living today? Together With your respective parents
Separately On air
What is your address? X: Y: If you aren’t living together, do you expect to soon? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If you don’t expect to live together soon, what is the main reason? X: Y:
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•Chapter 3•
If you now live together, when did you move in together? In , about after the start of our relationship. How did that come about? X moved in with Y
Y moved in with X
You chose an apartment or a house together in order to build a new, shared world in which neither has to deal with the other’s past, and both can find fulfillment and happiness in a home largely decorated thanks to Ikea. Have you previously lived together at other addresses? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If so, where? (Note the various addresses and the corresponding time periods.) From: From: From: From: From:
To: To: To: To: To:
What are the three main advantages of living together? The housekeeping is done more often X: There’s usually more stuff in the refrigerator You can get a caress whenever you like You see each other more often You feel like a real couple Cheaper rent You share more things You can get a bigger TV No need to send love letters Fewer friends try to move in with you The housekeeping is done more often Y: There’s usually more stuff in the refrigerator You can get a caress whenever you like You see each other more often You feel like a real couple Cheaper rent You share more things You can get a bigger TV No need to send love letters Fewer friends try to move in with you
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What are the three main drawbacks to living together? Having to close the bathroom door X: Hair in the bathtub The other person knows everything you do It’s hard to do what you want You fight for the remote A mother-in-law can drop in at any moment You can’t live on cold pasta anymore It’s hard to have intimate secrets You lose the fun of meeting each other You’re with the other person 24/7 Having to close the bathroom door Y: Hair in the bathtub The other person knows everything you do It’s hard to do what you want You fight for the remote A mother-in-law can drop in at any moment You can’t live on cold pasta anymore It’s hard to have intimate secrets You lose the fun of meeting each other You’re with the other person 24/7 What would you like to forbid in your relationship today? X: Y: What would you like to allow in your relationship today? X: Y: In your relationship, you now sort of feel that . . . X: The hardest part is over Everything is fine It’s nothing but happiness You’ve just marked a milestone Something is missing. Specify: Y: The hardest part is over Everything is fine It’s nothing but happiness You’ve just marked a milestone Something is missing. Specify: Do you feel like a real couple today? No X: Yes
The best is yet to come You’re going through a rough patch You can sense the end coming You’ve never been so happy The best is yet to come You’re going through a rough patch You can sense the end coming You’ve never been so happy
Y: Yes 66
No
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•Chapter 3•
Do you feel like a family? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you feel you have grown in your time together? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What is the nicest present the other person gave you since you’ve been together? X: Y: What is the most romantic time you’ve had together so far? X: Y: What three things do you enjoy about being with the other person? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What three things has the other person added to your life? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What three things have you added to the other person’s life? X: 1. 2. 3.
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Y: 1. 2. 3. What is your best reason for staying together? X:
Y:
What is the other person’s little fault that makes them irresistible? X: Y: Could you live without the other person now? X: Yes, of course Yes, but it would be less fun To be honest, no No, and they would only be too happy to hear me say it Y: Yes, of course Yes, but it would be less fun To be honest, no No, and they would only be too happy to hear me say it If you are living together now, decide together. Who owns . . . X Y The sofa? Y X The TV? X Y The TV console? Y X The rug? X Y The cat? Y X The dog? X Y The goldfish? Y X The children? X Y The car? Y X The CDs? X Y The DVDs? Y X The photo albums? X Y The computer? 68
Well yeah, sure Yes, but why? No, they pay for everything Well yeah, sure Yes, but why? No, they pay for everything
Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us
Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one
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•Chapter 3•
X The apartment or house? The little framed picture in the bedroom? X X The living room table? X The vacuum cleaner? X The ugly china set? X The stereo? X The engagement ring? X The radio alarm clock? X The refrigerator? X The chairs? X The game console? X The washing machine? X The coffeemaker? X The camera? X The comic books? X The refrigerator magnets? X The yucca plant? X This book? Other important items to list: X X X X X
Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y
Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us
Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one
Y Y Y Y Y
Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us Both of us
Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one Don’t have one
In the highly unlikely event that you ever split up, the court may use the above list to determine the appropriate allocation of the couple’s property. At least that will save you time. Don’t thank me.
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You, Your Partner, and the Others Today, what really matters to you in your life with the other person? X: Celebrating Valentine’s Day? Matters Ho-hum Matters Ho-hum Holding hands in the street? Giving each other a little caress Matters Ho-hum for no special reason? Matters Ho-hum Remembering birthdays? Matters Ho-hum Living together? Matters Ho-hum Dancing together at parties? Matters Ho-hum Saying “I love you” every day? Matters Ho-hum Knowing all their friends? Matters Ho-hum Being loved by your in-laws? Matters Ho-hum Having your parents love them? Matters Ho-hum Phoning each other every day? Matters Ho-hum Kissing before going to bed? Matters Ho-hum Loving the children? Matters Ho-hum Showering every day? Matters Ho-hum Enjoying making love? Matters Ho-hum Having a big car? Matters Ho-hum Not having any sexual taboos? Matters Ho-hum Having the same tastes? Matters Ho-hum Being a good kisser? Matters Ho-hum Giving flowers often? Matters Ho-hum Coming up with surprises? Matters Ho-hum Doing something besides watching TV? Matters Ho-hum Not hiding any part of their past? Matters Ho-hum Being faithful? Matters Ho-hum Getting to the end of this book?
Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters Matters
Y:
Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum Ho-hum
In three words, how would you describe the other person? X: 1. ________________________________________________________________ 2. ________________________________________________________________ 3. ________________________________________________________________ 70
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•Chapter 3•
Y: 1. 2. 3. If you close your eyes for a moment and think of the other person, what image immediately comes to mind? X: Y: What makes you a little more in love with the other person every day? X: __________________________________________________________________ Y: __________________________________________________________________ What word or expression does the other person often use that you love? X: __________________________________________________________________ Y: __________________________________________________________________ What’s the nicest compliment they ever paid you? X: Y: What outfit does the other person look incredibly attractive in? X: __________________________________________________________________ Y: __________________________________________________________________ What thing did the other person say to you that you’ve never forgotten? X: __________________________________________________________________ Y: __________________________________________________________________ Describe an ideal day with the other person. X:
Y:
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What is the nicest thing the other person ever told you? X: Y: Where would you like to take the other person someday? X: Y: What do you admire about the other person’s life? X: Y: Do you think the other person deserves more attention and love than you are giving them now? No Maybe No Maybe X: Yes Y: Yes Do you have a photograph of them in your wallet? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Are you grossed out when they fart or belch? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
What do you let the other person win at? X: Y: Are you sometimes embarrassed when the other person walks around the house naked? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Did you ever notice that they have little rolls of fat on their stomach? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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What three of their habits especially annoy you? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What do you usually do without their knowledge? X: Y: What three things do you do that the other person loves? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What three things do you hope you will never do as a couple? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What actor could play your partner in a movie? X:
Y:
What object immediately brings the other person to mind? X: Y:
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What public figure do they remind you of? X:
Y:
What is your favorite way to excite your partner? X: Y: What is your favorite way to apologize to them? X:
Y:
What place most symbolizes your relationship today? X: Y: What mistake have you made in a previous relationship that you are trying not to repeat today? X: Y: Do you agree with your partner’s career choice? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If not, what work would you prefer the other be doing? X: Y: What impulse of theirs would you never agree to? X: Y: What have you stopped doing since becoming a couple? X: Y: If you could magically teach your partner something, what would it be? X: Y: Have you already had a separation in your present relationship? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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•Chapter 3•
If so, for how long and why? X: Y: How long does it take for you to really start missing your partner? X: Y: What is the most pleasant thing when they’re not around? X: Y: What about your life together did you not like but are now beginning to accept? X: Y: What is the sport or activity you would like to do with your partner today? X: Y: Under what conditions are you most inclined to say “I love you” now? X: Y: What color would best describe your relationship? X: Y: What is the toughest thing you’ve gone through together? X: Y: Which of your partner’s choices do you most respect? X: Y: Do you think you are useful to your partner? X:
Y:
Have you ever been afraid that they would die? No X: Yes
Y: Yes 75
No
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If so, on what occasion? X:
Y:
What city would you like your partner to kiss you in? X: Y: What is your favorite dish that your partner cooks? X: Y: What dish does your partner really not know how to cook? X: Y: Do you go to the toilet with them watching? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What present would you like them to give you some day? X: Y: What’s the most recent proof you gave them of your love? X: Y: What proves that you want this relationship to last? X: Y: What was your favorite trip together? X:
Y:
Which photograph of the two of you do you like best? X: Y: What would be the ideal place for the two of you to go have a drink right now? X: Y: 76
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•Chapter 3•
Besides going to the bathroom, what would you enjoy doing without your partner? Playing sports X: Seeing friends Going to the movies Going on vacation Seeing your parents Listening to music Reading Sleeping Watching porno movies Going to a nightclub and dancing the salsa Watching mindless stuff on TV Drinking Getting hit on Spreading out in the bed Picking your nose Phoning an ex Playing videogames Nothing Other. Specify: Playing sports Y: Seeing friends Going to the movies Going on vacation Seeing your parents Listening to music Reading Sleeping Watching porno movies Going to a nightclub and dancing the salsa Watching mindless stuff on TV Drinking Getting hit on Spreading out in the bed Picking your nose Phoning an ex Playing videogames Nothing Other. Specify: What is the last present you gave your partner? X:
Y:
What is the last movie you went out to see together? X: Y: What is the last album or DVD you listened to or watched? X: Y: How long ago did the two of you go out to dinner together? Where was that? 77
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When did you last make love? X:
Y:
When was the last time you made love outside of a bed? X: Y: When was the last time you cried because of your partner? X: Y: What is the last thing you bought together? X:
Y:
As a couple, do you pay for things equally? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Does that sometimes cause problems? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Where did you last go on vacation? X:
Y:
Complete these sentences: I wish you would . . . X: Y: I never knew that . . . X: Y: We have to . . . X: Y:
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•Chapter 3•
I’ve never told you, but . . . X: Y: I promise you that someday . . . X: Y: Look each other in the eyes for one minute. What have you never noticed before? X: Y: Draw a picture of your partner—even if it’s not a very good one—below. Y drawn by X:
X drawn by Y:
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Test #2: Who Does What? It’s funny, but each member of a couple is usually sure they do everything, and the other doesn’t do a thing. So we’re going to check to see if you agree on the roles you play in your relationship. Try to be completely honest in answering the following questions. Then compare your answers to see the points you disagree on.
Today in your relationship . . . X: Who is the most committed? Who makes the most concessions? Who makes the least effort? Who has the most intrusive family? Who always complains about going shopping? Who controls the remote? Who writes the postcards? Who cuts up the chicken on Sunday? Who takes care of the Christmas presents? Who causes the most arguments? Who is the most resentful? Who is the happiest? Who is the best singer? Who is the funniest? Who balances the joint checkbook? Who pays the bills? Who wants to make love most often? Who takes out the garbage? Who chooses the vacation destination? Who is more in love? Who always needs to be right? Who never puts things away? Who does the cooking? Who is the most attractive?
You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You
80
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
Y: You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
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Who spends too much time in the bathroom? Who is a good driver? Who would really like to change their habits? Who is tired of going to their in-laws? Who does the home decorating? Who is jealous of the other person? Who would like to move? Who would like to go to a swingers club? Who does the dishes? Who wears the pants? Who had better watch their step? Who likes going to Ikea on Sunday? Who spends the most time in front of the mirror? Who usually calls the other? Who goes out the most? Who has the most friends? Who gets hit on the most? Who could not live without the other? Who’s the boss?
You You You You You You You You You You You You
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
You You You You You You You You You You You You
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
You You You You You You You
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
You You You You You You You
Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner Your partner
When you’ve written down these answers, check the number of conflicting answers, where each of you answered the same thing. Note these problematical areas with a mark in the margin and try to come back to them in a little while, and see if you can reach an agreement.
Test #3: Is He Just a Man Like Any Other? I would imagine not—otherwise what’s the point of your being together?—but what the heck, it’s always useful to check.
Before we start, if your partner is a man, do you think he’s like any other man? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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If you don’t mind, we’re going to check that. (Warning: you may only answer these questions if your partner is a man.)
He thinks that friendship with a woman is only possible if she’s ugly. He pats his face after shaving. He often forgets your birthday. He keeps his socks on when he makes love. He hates it when you snuggle against him after sex. He has forgotten 72 percent of the names of the women he has slept with. He promises to call back, but never does. He freaks out at the idea of someday having children. He thinks that foreplay is a necessary evil. He buys you flowers once in a blue moon. He points out for three days that he did the vacuuming. He claims to know how to cook but lets you do it all. He complains about going shopping together. He claims that videogames stimulate intelligence. He drinks beer while watching football. He has already asked a pal to ask a woman if she would go out with him. He didn’t understand Virgin Suicides at all. He would like to be Bruce Willis. He enjoys letting you make decisions for him. He is surprised when you change the sheets more than once a month. He spends hours reading in the bathroom. He still hasn’t cut the cord from his mother. He has two testicles. Add up the number of times you answered “No” to the questions above. If this number is greater than 10, he isn’t a man like the rest.
Conclusion: He’s just like any other man; I’m so ashamed. He’s not like any other man; I knew it.
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Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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•Chapter 3•
Test #4: Is She Just a Woman Like Any Other? I certainly hope not—otherwise, what’s the point of your being together?—but what the heck, let’s check this, too.
If your partner is a woman, do you think she’s just like any other woman? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If you don’t mind, we’re going to check that. (Warning: you may only answer these questions if your partner is a woman.) Yes Her feet are always cold and she tries to warm them on you. Yes It takes her hours to get ready in the morning. Yes She asks you every three days if you think she has put on weight. Yes She spends her time asking you questions about your ex. Yes She likes big, shapeless, but very comfortable pink pajamas. She buys some clothes even though she knows she will never wear them. Yes Yes She spends hours on the phone with her girlfriends. Yes She loves buying scented candles. Yes She casually asks,“Who was that?” when you hang up. She goes through your pockets from time to time, just to check on things. Yes Yes She complains when you look at another woman. Yes She absolutely wants to find your pal Mike a girlfriend. Yes She regularly switches off the TV and says “We have to talk.” Yes She screams “I don’t have a thing to wear!” every other morning. Yes She dives into a bowl of ice cream right after a workout. Yes She wants to have a/another child soon. Yes When doing the laundry, she separates the whites from the colors. Yes She would kill for a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes. Yes She fakes it half the time. Yes She is always a little skeptical when you say “I love you.” Yes She prefers guys who are not interested in her. Yes She regularly gets into fights with her mother. Yes She screams when you drive too fast. Yes She has breasts. 83
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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Add up the number of “No” answers to the preceding questions. If this number is greater than 10, she isn’t a woman like the rest.
Conclusion: She’s just like any other woman, so what? She’s not like any other woman, see?
Test #5: Has Your Passion Endured? Please remind me, how long have you been together? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ _____ Seems like a long time, doesn’t it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you feel your partner has changed since you’ve been together? No A little No X: Yes Y: Yes
A little
What about your partner has changed the most since the start of your relationship? Their attentiveness Their friends X: Their weight Their pastimes Their hair Their goal Their vacation destinations Their taste in movies Their political opinions Other, specify: _______________________________________________________ Their attentiveness Their friends Y: Their weight Their pastimes Their hair Their goal Their vacation destinations Their taste in movies Their political opinions Other, specify: _______________________________________________________ What has not changed between you? X: __________________________________________________________________ Y: ___________________________________________________________________
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Since the start of your relationship you feel that . . . Things are moving in the right direction Everything is fine but the passion has subsided Things aren’t going at all well Nothing has changed, which is fine
X:
Y:
If you don’t mind, we’re going to check this . . .
Do you always kiss each other goodnight? Do you still brush your teeth before you kiss in the morning? Do you still feel like grabbing each other when you come home in the evening? Do you still give each other flowers or little presents? Do you still try not to make noise when you’re on the toilet? Do you still say “I love you” regularly? Do you still try to seduce your partner? Do you tell your partner every day that they’re still as good-looking as ever? Do you still watch your weight? Do you still go away for surprise weekends? Do you still bring your partner breakfast in bed? Do you still call each other five times a day? Do you still make love every day? Do you still take your partner to the airport when they go on a trip? Do you still hold hands in the street? Do you still notice when your partner gets their hair cut? Do you still tear each other’s clothes off? Do you still sometimes make love outside of the bed? Do you always listen carefully when your partner describes their day? When you’re naked in front of your partner, do you suck in your stomach? Do you sometimes still write each other love letters? Are you jealous when your partner looks at someone else in the street? Have you always thought that Viagra was for other people? Have you recently looked at your partner and thought to yourself,“I’m lucky”?
85
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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Add the number of “No” answers to the preceding questions. If the number is less than 10, passion has endured.
Conclusion: You’re still as much in love as you were on the very first day, it’s wonderful, you knew it, pure happiness. Well, that’s not quite it but okay, maybe you haven’t been as attentive as you could be toward each other, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other. It’s just that you’ve picked up some little habits that you will now try to change, thanks. If things between you have indeed changed a little, and if your passion isn’t as hot as it was, do you think that can be changed? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Among the actions identified in the previous list or others, which five resolutions would you like your partner to make, to get the two of you back on track? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. While we’re doing to-do lists, why don’t you make a to-do list for next week? That way, you’ll be ahead of the game. To do next week: X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 86
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Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
You and Marriage Are you married (or in a civil union)? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, are you married to each other? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If you’re not married, you can answer these questions on the day you get married, or you can project yourself in the future and imagine how things will be when you do get married.
If you are married . . . What was the exact date of your wedding? X:
Y:
Be honest: Did you have trouble remembering? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Was that your first marriage? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If not, how many times have you been married before? X: time(s) Y:
87
time(s)
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Why did/do you want to get married? (Choose three.) For the presents X: For the sacred aspect of marriage For tax purposes To get your friends and your parents together To party For the dress or the suit To please your parents For the wedding night To make your union official To be like everybody else To change your name To please your partner To stop living in sin Because you were asked To see your father cry Because you love each other, that’s all For the presents Y: For the sacred aspect of marriage For tax purposes To get your friends and your parents together To party For the dress or the suit To please your parents For the wedding night To make your union official To be like everybody else To change your name To please your partner To stop living in sin Because you were asked To see your father cry Because you love each other, that’s all Where, when, and how was the proposal made?
Did the future bride say “Yes” right away? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Are you happy you got married? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Honestly, and just between us, was it a nice wedding? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Did the wedding match your expectations? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
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Compared to your childhood dreams, what was it missing? X: Y: Let’s go into the details . . . Where was it? What was the weather like? What was the menu? Appetizers: Desserts: Was it good? No X: Yes
How many guests?
Main dishes: Drinks: Y: Yes
Who chose the announcement? Who chose the place? Who wanted most to be married? Who cried? Who had second thoughts? Who felt ridiculous at some point? Who dieted before the wedding? Who thought, “This really is an awful lot of money”? Who would have wanted it to be simpler? Who had the best day of their life?
X X X X X X X X X X
Who did/will you not invite? (You can list several names.) X: Y: Who should you not have invited? X: Y: Who did you want to invite that your partner rejected? X: Y: 89
No Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y
Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither
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Who would you have liked to be at the wedding who was not there? X: Y: Besides your partner, was there anybody at the wedding you had slept with? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Did your partner know that at the time? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Did you have the feeling that you really enjoyed it that day? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Just before the wedding, did you consider calling it all off? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What was your favorite moment in the wedding? X: Y: What were you thinking when you said “I do”? X: Y: What is your best memory of this wedding? X: Y: Were you very moved? No X: Yes
What were you scared of before the wedding? X:
Y:
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What embarrassed you the most that day? X:
Y:
What made you laugh the most that day? X:
Y:
What surprises, songs, or routines prepared by your family or friends did you like? X: Y: What surprises, songs, or routines prepared by your family or friends did you hate? X: Y: Did anybody fall in love at your wedding? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you make love on your wedding night? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Was it good? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Really? X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Was it the first time you made love? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, now that you think back, was it worth waiting so long for? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What was the worst wedding present you got? X:
Y:
What was the total value of all the presents? 91
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If you had to do it over again, in what way would you change that wonderful wedding? X: Y: What has the fact of being married changed between you? X: Y: Do you feel more grown-up now that you’re married? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What other person have you imagined marrying some day? (You can list five names.) X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Before your present marriage, had you ever proposed to someone else, or had you ever accepted a proposal from someone else? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it? X:
Y:
Do you still fit into the clothes that you wore on your wedding day? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Did you sign a marriage contract or a prenuptial agreement? No X: Yes Y: Yes 92
No
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Why? X: Y: If you’re not married . . . Are you thinking of getting married someday? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
To each other? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, are you already making plans? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Are you thinking about the arrangements? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Has a formal proposal been made? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What date do you have in mind?
Which of you most wants to get married today? Your partner Both of us, which is why it’s so wonderful X: You Both of us, which is why it’s so wonderful Your partner Y: You If you are a woman and are getting married, will you take your husband’s name? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What would your ideal wedding be like? (Try to agree, it will help you when the time comes.) Place? Type of wedding dress? Number of guests, approximately? Number of bridesmaids? Number of groomsmen?
93
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Religious ceremony? No exes at the reception? Tossing the garter? Bachelor party?
Y Y Y Y
N N N N
Dinner menu: Posting of the banns:
Handwritten announcements? Tossing the bouquet? Marriage contract?
Y Y Y
Opening dance tune: Honeymoon destination:
If you aren’t thinking of getting married someday, what is the main reason? It’s very expensive X: We’re fine the way we are I’ve already been married to someone else I’m afraid I don’t believe in love for life I’m gay I wouldn’t want to have to get divorced Our families are against it I think it’s really old-fashioned I fear culture shock between our families I don’t like to be the center of attention I’m not really in love Other, specify: It’s very expensive Y: We’re fine the way we are I’ve already been married to someone else I’m afraid I don’t believe in love for life I’m gay I wouldn’t want to have to get divorced Our families are against it I think it’s really old-fashioned I fear culture shock between our families I don’t like to be the center of attention I’m not really in love Other, specify:
You and Children Do you have children? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If yes, introduce them below in a few words… First name, child #1 Likes
No
Birthdate Doesn’t like
94
N N N
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First name, child #2_______________________ Birthdate________________________ Likes ________________________________ Doesn’t like_______________________ First name, child #3_______________________ Birthdate________________________ Likes ________________________________ Doesn’t like_______________________ First name, child #4_______________________ Birthdate________________________ Likes ________________________________ Doesn’t like_______________________ If you have more than four children, try to write smaller.
Your children look more like . . . Their mother X: Their father Their mother Y: Their father
Neither Neither
Both Both
Someone else Someone else
If you don’t have children, would you like to have them with your partner someday? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If you have children already, would you like to have more with your partner? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, how soon would you expect to do that? Within six months X: Tonight Between six months and one year Within one to three years Within three to five years Within the next thirty years Listen, if you don’t mind I’d really rather not discuss a date, okay? Within six months Y: Tonight Between six months and one year Within one to three years Within three to five years Within the next thirty years Listen, if you don’t mind I’d really rather not discuss a date, okay? Do you actually like children? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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No
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Do children like you? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you think you are or would be a good father or mother? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do you think your partner is or would be a good father or mother? No No X: Yes Y: Yes For your first child, or the next one, you would prefer… A girl Not to be around X: A boy A girl Not to be around Y: A boy For what particular reason? X:
Y:
What’s your favorite boy’s name? X:
Y:
What’s your favorite girl’s name? X:
Y:
What’s the worst name for a boy? X:
Y:
What’s the worst name for a girl? X:
Y:
What scares or scared you most about becoming a parent? X: Y: What do you think is hardest about being a mother? X: Y:
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What do you think is hardest about being a father? X: Y: Why would you like to have a/another child? X:
Y:
Why would it probably make more sense not to? X:
Y:
If you’re a woman and your partner doesn’t want children, what are you prepared to do to convince him? Talk about it for months and months until he finally gives in Not tell him anything Threaten to leave him Give him money Promise to take care of everything Promise him a present in exchange Forget to take your pill, or make pinholes in his condoms Tell him that your breasts will quadruple in size Go on a sexual strike Make him think he will be an exceptional father Get his mother involved Other, specify: ______________________________________________________ What do you like least about children? (Choose three.) X: They cry They don’t know how to occupy themselves They break everything They listen to moronic music They make poo-poo They annoy everybody on airplanes They’re sick all the time They aren’t interested in politics They’re expensive They know more about computers than you do 97
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Y:
They get dirty all the time They don’t know how to spell “rhododendron” They give you macaroni necklaces and lousy drawings They don’t pick up their room Other, specify:_______________________________________________________ They cry They don’t know how to occupy themselves They break everything They listen to moronic music They make poo-poo They annoy everybody on airplanes They’re sick all the time They aren’t interested in politics They’re expensive They know more about computers than you do They get dirty all the time They don’t know how to spell “rhododendron” They give you macaroni necklaces and lousy drawings They don’t pick up their room Other, specify:_______________________________________________________
What would you like your children to inherit from you? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What would you like your children to inherit from your partner? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What would you really not want your children to inherit from you? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ Would you like your children to be more successful than you? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________
98
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Who will tell your children about sex? Your partner X: You Your partner Y: You
Both of us Both of us
Neither of us Neither of us
What would you like your children to do as they grow up? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What would you like your children to study some day? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What job would you not want your children to have? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ Who could you entrust your children to without hesitation, if needed? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ Which of your own toys would you like to give to your children? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What is the most important advice you could give your children? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ What values would you like to pass on to your children? X: Y: What would you like to do with your children? X: Y: Do you believe in corporal punishment? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you think you could ever slap your child? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
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How old must a girl be before she can wear a thong? X: Y: What things did you do when you were young that you would forbid your children? X: Y: What do you think would be the worst? (Rank these from 1 to 8.) At 11, your child takes up smoking At 12, your child watches TV five hours a day At 13, your child has sex for the first time At 14, your child gets a tattoo At 15, your child listens to crappy music At 16, your child calls you “an old fossil” At 17, your child enters eighth grade At 18, your child votes for the extreme right
X:
Y:
How many children, all told, would you like to have in your life? X: Y: Would having a child make you think harder before leaving your partner? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Would you consider taking steps to make a child with your partner, right here and now? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, you can put down this book and continue later.
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Chapter 4
The Things That Make You Angry In which our heroes screw up their courage to finally face those discussions that start with “Darling, we have to talk,” in order to settle matters once and for all and get off on the right foot. It’s just something you have to get through, and besides, you won’t do it every day.
L
et’s stop trying to draw the veil, however clumsily. In every relationship, there are things that make you angry, conversations to avoid, subjects best not broached, and
things best not known. Otherwise, you get into pointless, exhausting arguments. Fortunately, this book is here to help.To avoid high drama later on, I suggest we approach those tense topics together in this fourth chapter.You’ll thank me later, you’ll see.
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So Far, So Good Are you happy right now? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever been happier in your life? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What is missing from your happiness today? (Choose three.) Money A big TV X: A child A good job A lover A nice marriage A dog or cat A hobby Friends A Porsche New shoes Cosmetic surgery Nothing Other, specify: Money A big TV Y: A child A good job A lover A nice marriage A dog or cat A hobby Friends A Porsche New shoes Cosmetic surgery Nothing Other, specify:
A cleaning service A wild sex life A flat stomach A cleaning service A wild sex life A flat stomach
Have you ever been more in love with somebody than you are today? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it? Do you sincerely believe that the person filling out this book with you is the man or the woman of your life? No Not sure yet X: Yes Not sure yet Y: Yes No What could threaten the love you share today? Money problems X: Jealousy A political discussion The routine A child Their parents The Super Bowl Lack of communication A third person Work Other, specify: 102
Sex Your parents Alcohol Body odor Fatigue
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Y: Jealousy A political discussion A child The Super Bowl A third person Other, specify:
Money problems The routine Their parents Lack of communication Work
Sex Your parents Alcohol Body odor Fatigue
When was the last time you sat down to talk about what wasn’t working in your relationship? Ten minutes ago A week ago A few months ago At least a year ago What did you discuss? Who initiated this discussion? X
Y
Did the discussion lead to any steps beyond filling out this book? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Who do you talk to about your relationship problems? X: Y: Do you think your relationship is on a downward slope right now? No No X: Yes Y: Yes In your relationship today, you’d like (choose seven answers): More passion More travel More conversations More time together More time apart More smiles More shared dreams More sex More parties More surprises 103
X:
Y:
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More caresses More “I love you” More romantic moments More moral support More children More time away from the child(ren) More naps More smiles More presents More dreams to tell each other More leather More tolerance More fun More freedom More romantic weekends More breakfasts in bed More thongs
But you’d also like (choose seven): Fewer friends who drop in unannounced Fewer headaches at night Fewer phone calls from your mother-in-law Fewer misguided cooking attempts Fewer video games Fewer pointless expenditures Fewer meals at their sister’s house Fewer “What’s for dinners?” Less TV Fewer impulse purchases Less football Fewer bad habits Fewer love handles Less infidelity
104
X:
Y:
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Less corrosive jealousy Less nightclubbing Fewer trips to the supermarket Fewer arguments over nothing Fewer “Sorry, I wasn’t listening” Fewer “Not that, that’s disgusting” Fewer “So where were you’s?” Less stress Fewer ugly knick-knacks Fewer hairs
If you could start your relationship all over again, would you do it? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, what mistakes would you avoid? X:__________________________________________________________________ Y:__________________________________________________________________ If yes, which times would you really like to relive? X:__________________________________________________________________ Y:__________________________________________________________________
Darling, There’s Something I Have to Tell You Do you feel that you communicate well with each other? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Who generally starts the discussions or talk about your relationship? Your partner Your partner X: You Y: You Do you feel you can talk to your partner about anything? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, you’re in luck. If no, I’m going to help you.
105
No
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Look at your partner for a moment. Think about the two of you.
Thinking back now, would you say that you love your partner especially… (Choose three) X: For their money For their intelligence Because they remind you of your father or your mother Because they are the only person in the world who can stand you Because they comfort you For their house in the country Because they’re a great lover Out of politeness Because your parents asked you to When they aren’t around Because you never found anyone better Other, specify: Y: For their money For their intelligence Because they remind you of your father or your mother Because they are the only person in the world who can stand you Because they comfort you For their house in the country Because they’re a great lover Out of politeness Because your parents asked you to When they aren’t around Because you never found anyone better Other, specify: What are three of the other person’s habits that you can’t stand? X: 1. 2. 3.
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Y: 1. 2. 3. What disappoints you about your partner now? X:
Y:
What promise did your partner make to you and never kept? X: Y: What do you think your partner has the worst taste in? X: Y: If you are a man, what does your mother do better than your partner? If you are a woman, what does your father do better than your partner? How many times a day do you think of your partner? X: Almost never. . . .What? We said we’d be honest! Once or twice Several times All the time Much too often, according to your boss and the people around you Y: Almost never. . . .What? We said we’d be honest! Once or twice Several times All the time Much too often, according to your boss and the people around you
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Look at your partner carefully for one minute.
Objectively, what physical shortcomings do you notice? Face in general? X: Y: Nose? X: Y: Eyes? X: Y: Mouth? X: Y: Teeth? X: Y: Ears? X: Y: Hair and hairdo? X: Y: Body in general? X: Y: Stomach? X: Y: Chest? X: Y: Hands? X: Y: Legs? X: Y: Feet? X: Y: Have you noticed these shortcomings before? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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No
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Let’s go a little further in the observations and comments on your partner’s physique. Weight? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Muscles? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Hairiness? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Smell? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Cellulite? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Rolls of fat? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Tan? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right Softness of skin? Could be better Could be better X: It’s all right Y: It’s all right If cosmetic surgery could change something about your partner, what would you like it to be? X: Y: If your partner wears glasses, do you like them better on or off? X: On Off Looks fine either way Y: On Off Looks fine either way If your partner is a woman, what do you think of her breasts? Too big Perfect just the way they are X: Too small Too big Perfect just the way they are Y: Too small
Not numerous enough Not numerous enough
If your partner is a man, what you think of his penis? Too big Perfect just the way it is X: Too small Too big Perfect just the way it is Y: Too small
Amusing Amusing
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Using a lot of imagination, what animal would you compare your partner to? X: Y: What would you like to change about your partner today? X: Y: What have you given up trying to change? X: Y: Honestly now, would you like any part of your partner to be bigger? No, everything is the right size X: Yes, I would No, everything is the right size Y: Yes, I would What sentence does your partner say too often? X: Y: What does your partner do in front of other people that makes you uncomfortable? X: Y: What has your partner borrowed and never returned? X: Y: Have you ever accepted money from your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If yes, did that bother you? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever cried in front of each other? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
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Have you ever made the other person cry? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever deliberately hurt the other person? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever apologized to the other person? No X: Yes
No
Why? X: Y:
Y: Yes
If yes, what was the occasion? X: Y: What present have you always dreamed of that your partner never gave you? X: Y: What thing of your partner’s have you deliberately broken or lost? X: Y: If you are a woman, what annoys you about your partner’s daily behavior? He never puts anything away He never helps with the housework He spends money carelessly He avoids all serious discussion He sighs whenever you ask him to do something He never talks about the future He never makes decisions He’s always tired He always has to be right He lets the dirty dishes pile up in the sink
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He farts in bed He always agrees with you He wants to make love all the time He secretly looks at other women He is unfaithful He complains when the refrigerator is empty He swears He spends his time channel surfing He constantly criticizes what I do He turns on the TV the moment he comes home Other, specify: ______________________________________________________
If you are a man, what annoys you about your partner’s daily behavior? She’s a nut about keeping the house clean She talks all the time A tiny spider can make her scream She looks like her mother She constantly changes her mind She loves reality TV shows She wants to go dancing all the time She wears underwear She spends hours on the phone with her girlfriends She hates it when you customize the car She gets upset about everything and anything She fills her closet with clothes that she never wears She spends hours in the bathroom She wants to know everything you did during the day She squeezes against you while you sleep She leaves her nylons lying around She asks,“Have I put on weight?” every day She devours pastries for dessert after dining on half a carrot Other, specify: ______________________________________________________
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Do you think your partner is… A spendthrift? No X: Yes Too stressed? No X: Yes Too selfish? No X: Yes Too childish? No X: Yes Too talkative? No X: Yes Too ambitious? No X: Yes Too dishonest? No X: Yes A pain in the ass at times? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
What would you like to do now that your partner would probably not like? X: Y: Do you plan to do it anyway one of these days? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Who needs the other more right now? Your partner That depends, do you mean financially? X: You Your partner That depends, do you mean financially? Y: You What do you not like about your relationship now? X: Y:
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What have you never told your partner that you’d like to tell them now? X: Y:
What three things about your partner’s past do you wish you didn’t know? X:
Y:
And what do you definitely not want to know now? How many exes they have What they tell their friends about you What they think about while making love The price of the last shoes they bought The total cost of DVDs bought last month What they think of your job What happens at their job The grade they would give you, out of 10 The reasons that led them to live with you The fact that they sometimes fake it When they want to take a crap That they have been unfaithful to you What they mutter when they are muttering to themselves What they think of your best friend What they think of when they see you completely naked The number of times a week they get hit on Other, specify:
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X:
Y:
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Do you realize there’s a chance you will learn all this by continuing with this book? No No X: Yes Y: Yes So it’s all right to continue? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If no, put the book aside for a while and come back when your curiosity gets the best of you. If yes, let’s go on. There are still lots of questions for you to answer.
You and Your In-Laws Have the two of you ever argued over your parents or in-laws? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Did your parents have trouble accepting your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do you remember the day when you introduced them to your parents? No No X: Yes Y: Yes About that all-important meeting . . . X: Where? When? How? Y: Where? When? How? Did it go well? No X: Yes No Y: Yes
Why? Why?
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So what do your parents think of your partner today? They… Distrust them Hate them X: Love them Refuse to see them Pity them Ignore them Tolerate them Thank them every day You don’t know Hate them Distrust them X: Love them Refuse to see them Pity them Ignore them Tolerate them Thank them every day You don’t know What do your parents especially like in your partner? X: Y: What do your parents especially criticize them for? X: Y: What is it about your partner that they have the most trouble understanding or accepting? X: Y: Do you like your in-laws? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Would you describe your relationship with your in-laws as close? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you regularly phone your in-laws to find out how they are doing? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you find your mother-in-law or father-in-law sexually attractive? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Have you gone on vacation with your in-laws? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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Would you be prepared to do it or do it again some day? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do your in-laws have a key to your place? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
After how much time does spending time with your in-laws become oppressive? An evening A day X: Ten minutes Two days A week Fourteen years An evening A day Y: Ten minutes Two days A week Fourteen years What do you find especially ugly in your in-laws’ house? X: Y: What is the worst present your in-laws ever gave you? X: Y: What is the nicest present your in-laws ever gave you? X: Y: What surprises you the most about them? X: Y: What do you most dislike about them? X: Y: What subject of conversation comes up most often between you and your in-laws? X: Y:
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What subject of conversation do you avoid with your in-laws? X: Y: Do you feel your in-laws have really accepted you into their family? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you think your partner is like their parents? Yes, and that’s a pity X: Yes, and that’s good No, and that’s good No, and that’s a pity Yes, and that’s a pity Y: Yes, and that’s good No, and that’s good No, and that’s a pity In general, are you proud to introduce your partner to other people, such as your parents or your family? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What do you try to stress at those times? Your partner’s . . . Niceness Working X: Charm Beauty Sense of humor Car Origins Body Love for you Working Niceness Y: Charm Beauty Sense of humor Car Origins Body Love for you
Education Culture Income Education Culture Income
Which member of your family had the most trouble accepting your partner? X: Y: Why? X: Y: Has that changed? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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What do the members of your family usually like about your partner when they get to know them? X: Y: Have the two of you really had a fight about your respective parents? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
Your Fights Would you say that you often fight? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
In general, who starts these fights? Your partner You take turns X: You You take turns Your partner Y: You When was the last time you had a real fight? (Try to agree without getting into a fight.Thank you.) Within the last hour Within the last day Within the last week Within the last month Within the last year Within the last ten years A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away Who started that fight? Your partner X: You
Y: You
Your partner
Who won? X: You
Y: You
Your partner
Your partner
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What did you fight about? (Again, try to agree without getting into a fight.Thank you.) Money problems A woman/a man Forgetting a present Heavy drinking A stupid remark A stupid purchase A spelling mistake The children A poor joke A blunder A visit by one of your mothers Fatigue The desire to kiss and make up afterward Other, specify: On average, how often do you fight? X:
Y:
Who usually insists on being right? Your partner You take turns X: You You take turns Your partner Y: You If you had a real problem with your relationship, who would you go to for advice? Your father X: Your mother Your best friend A psychic A psychotherapist A sexologist A bartender Howard Stern Your father Y: Your mother Your best friend A psychic A psychotherapist A sexologist A bartender Howard Stern What is the stupidest thing you have ever fought about? X: Y: Have you ever slept on the sofa instead of with your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
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Did they notice? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
After a fight, who usually gives in? Your partner It depends X: You Your partner It depends Y: You Who usually bursts into tears first? Your partner It depends X: You Your partner It depends Y: You What is the most expensive thing you have broken during an argument? X: Y: Have you ever started a fight with the other person just for fun, or for the pleasure of kissing and making up? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you buy your partner flowers for any other reason than to apologize for something? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Have you ever heaved a sigh or muttered under your breath after something your partner said? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Have you ever wanted to hit your partner during an argument? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, did you do it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, has your partner really forgiven you? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
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What subjects are most likely to lead to fights in your relationship? (Choose three.) Decisions about upcoming vacations X: Money Alcohol Infidelities, real or imagined Interior decoration Children’s education Cooking The place of work in your life Mother-in-law The cleanliness of the bathroom Driving Possession of the remote Sex Endless home remodeling Socks left lying around Other, specify: Decisions about upcoming vacations Y: Money Alcohol Infidelities, real or imagined Interior decoration Children’s education Cooking The place of work in your life Mother-in-law The cleanliness of the bathroom Driving Possession of the remote Sex Endless home remodeling Socks left lying around Other, specify: Do you two agree on the following subjects… Politics? Religion? The death penalty? Gay marriage? Abortion? Taxes? Thongs for men? Piercings? Fleece vests? Reality TV shows? Céline Dion songs? Mate swapping? The concept of fidelity? Star Wars? Blue nail polish?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
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No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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Genetically modified crops? Cloning? Ecology? Radar? The color of the sofa? Sex on demand?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No
Do you also agree to… Live within a mile of your mother-in-law? Lend each other your cars? Adopt a child if you aren’t able to have any? Have your children also have their mother’s name? Go live in the country someday? Repaint the living room soon? Get a dog? Spend the rest of your lives together?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No
What subject do you never dare tackle with your partner? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What subject will you never again raise, so as to avoid an inevitable argument? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ Do you expect more from your partner today than in the past? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If yes, what in particular do you expect? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________
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What advice would you give your partner today (if they weren’t so touchy)? X: “Wash more often” “Be more patient” “Be more generous” “Relax” “Try to compromise more” “Don’t compromise so much” “Say ‘I love you’ to me more often” “Stop running yourself down all the time” “Enjoy life” “Stop being so grumpy” “Take more time for yourself” “Try to drink a little less” “Stop just focusing on your problems” “Smile” “Go see a doctor” “Try to look on the bright side” “Change jobs” “Go on a diet” “Go see a psychotherapist” “Change your underwear more often” “Cut the apron strings with your mother” “Don’t be so selfish” “Go away” “Have some chewing gum” “Change the station” “Stop working on the car” “Change friends” “Call your brother/friend and straighten things out” “Believe in yourself” “Change your wardrobe” “Open your eyes” “Be tougher” 124
Y:
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“Turn off the TV from time to time” “Stop wearing underwear” “Let yourself go more often” “Stop wasting money” “Spend more time with the children” “Go to bed earlier” “Kiss me”
What is the nastiest thing you have ever said to your partner? X:________________________________________________________________________ Y:________________________________________________________________________ Are you sorry now that you said it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
Have you ever been mean to your partner just for the fun of it? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
No
When was the last time you acted petty with your partner? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ Have you ever called your partner by another first name? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If yes, what was it? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ Did that lapse lead to a fight? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What did you say to justify yourself? X:________________________________________________________________________ Y:________________________________________________________________________
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Thinking back on it, how do you explain that lapse? X:________________________________________________________________________ Y:________________________________________________________________________ In your relationship today, what seven sentences do you most hate hearing? X: “Listen, we have to talk.” “Want to go to Ikea on Sunday?” “Have you put on a little weight?” “You mean you didn’t even do the shopping?” “What, more football?” “Actually, Mike is staying for dinner.” “Mom is coming to dinner.” “Not tonight, I’m exhausted.” “I don’t have a thing to wear.” “You know, it can happen to anybody.” “Who was that?” “May I have a taste of what you ordered?” “Do you love me?” “You remind me of your mother (your father).” “What’s for dinner?” “Excuse me, I have to call Mom.” “Can you lend me your sweater?” “I once came here with my ex.” “I’ll be right there, I promise!” “Are you stupid or are you doing it on purpose?” “How are you doing, there?” “This place really is a pigsty.” “Are we there yet?” “What say we go to Schenectady?” “Shall we do the accounts?” “Virgin Suicides was out, so I rented Pulp Fiction.” “Don’t you think we’re spending too much time together?”
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Y:
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What will the subject of your next fight be? X:
Y:
And when is it scheduled for? X:
Y:
If you haven’t found a good subject to fight about, the next topic makes an excellent choice.
You and Infidelity Is the problem of infidelity a taboo subject in your relationship? No No X: Yes Y: Yes For starters, do you think one could be faithful to the same person for one’s entire life? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If one of your friends’ spouses was cheating on them, and they didn’t know it, what would you do? You wouldn’t tell them You’d drop little hints X: You’d tell them You wouldn’t tell them You’d drop little hints Y: You’d tell them If one of your friends was cheating on their spouse, and the spouse didn’t know it, what would you do? You wouldn’t tell them You’d drop little hints X: You’d tell them You wouldn’t tell them You’d drop little hints Y: You’d tell them Has anyone ever cheated on you? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If yes, who was it? X:
Y:
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If yes, did you end that relationship as soon as you found out? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever cheated on anyone? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, who was it? X:
Y:
If yes, how often? X:
Y:
If yes, did your partner eventually find out? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
The way you see it, infidelity begins… When you look at someone When you fantasize about someone When you hit on someone When you kiss someone When you stroke someone’s breasts When you give someone a blow job When penetration is involved When you say “I love you” to someone
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X:
Y:
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If you’re married, do you always wear your wedding ring? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If not, why not? You lost it You don’t like jewelry You don’t like revealing that you’re married You forget, that’s all Your fingers have swollen You think it’s a ridiculous tradition You never know who you might meet in a bar The power of the ring is too great and it would be too dangerous to constantly wear it
X:
Y:
When you are out without your partner and somebody starts to chat you up, do you always mention that you are in a relationship? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Have you ever followed your partner, or had them followed? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever searched their pockets or their closets? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever checked the messages on their cell phone? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever noticed that they smelled a little different? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
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If your partner ever cheated on you (don’t worry, this is just theoretical)… X: You’d want them to tell you right away You’d prefer not to know You’d take revenge You’d want them to leave right away You’d want them to die in terrible agony, devoured by a wolverine. Y: You’d want them to tell you right away You’d prefer not to know You’d take revenge You’d want them to leave right away You’d want them to die in terrible agony, devoured by a wolverine. If you learned that your partner was cheating or had cheated on you, would you immediately leave them? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If not, do you think you could ever trust them again? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If not, would you get your revenge by cheating on them? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
As a rule, are you very jealous? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
Does it worry you… When your partner spends hours on the phone with their ex? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
When they talk to someone in a bar? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
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When they go away for the weekend without you? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
When they get a text message without saying who it’s from? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
When a new intern starts work in their department? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
When they don’t feel like making love as often? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
When they go out alone with friends? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
When they have fingernail scratches on their back? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If you found an unknown phone number in your partner’s pocket, what would you do? Throw it away X: Nothing, you’d leave it Call the number to see who answers Ask them whose number it is Change one of the digits, just for fun Throw it away Y: Nothing, you’d leave it Call the number to see who answers Ask them whose number it is Change one of the digits, just for fun
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Which of these do you think would be the worst? Your partner is cheating on you with your best friend They are cheating with someone of the same sex They are cheating with a member of your family They are cheating with their ex They are cheating with someone who is very, very ugly They are cheating and everybody knows it except you
X:
Y:
Do you think that in some ways having an affair could be beneficial for your relationship? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
You and Your Exes Warning: This is an especially sensitive topic. Be careful, there are many traps and they are often unseen.
Do you think you know everything about your partner’s romantic past? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If no, would you like to know? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Is the subject of exes taboo in your relationship? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do you think that your partner would have been happier in life with someone other than you? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Is it all right with you if your partner sees their exes from time to time? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Among the exes you know, which one are you especially wary of? X: Y: 132
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Before we get into the details, how many exes do you think your partner has? X: Y: In this estimate, are you including flirtations that didn’t go beyond kissing? Of course! Besides what was it supposed to be, just friendship? X: No, those don’t count Of course! Besides what was it supposed to be, just friendship? Y: No, those don’t count Okay, now that we have settled the preliminaries, are you ready to finally reveal everything about your romantic and sexual past, from the most shameful to the most painful? X: Yes, you have nothing to hide Er, yes, because you don’t have any choice anyway Not really, this chapter doesn’t feel very good No, but you can tell that the pressure will be unbearable Y: Yes, you have nothing to hide Er, yes, because you don’t have any choice anyway Not really, this chapter doesn’t feel very good No, but you can tell that the pressure will be unbearable In school, who is the first person you had a crush on? X: Y: Who was the first person of the opposite sex you saw naked (outside of your family)? X: Y: What was it like, the first time you played doctor? X: Y: What part of the patient did you want to examine first? X: Y:
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When you were young, who were you in love with without ever daring to tell them? (You can give more than one name.) X: Y: Have you seen this person or persons since? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did you reveal your former feelings? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
When you were young, did you ever ask a friend to ask someone if they wanted to go out with you? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it for? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Did it work? X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
No
Isn’t it a little embarrassing, when you come right down to it? No X: Yes Y: Yes Who was your first true love? X:
No
Y:
Who did you think was the prettiest girl or the handsomest boy in high school? X: Y: Did you speak to them? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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Were you in love with them? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Were you able to get anywhere with them? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Who did you share your first real kiss with? X:
Y:
How old were you? X:
Y:
How old was the person you kissed? X:
Y:
Where did it happen? X:
Y:
What was it like? Expected X: Good Disgusting Strange Disappointing Tiring Profitable Wonderful Technical Clinical One of the most exciting moments of your life Expected Y: Good Disgusting Strange Disappointing Tiring Profitable Wonderful Technical Clinical One of the most exciting moments of your life
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Exciting So-so Complicated Sloppy Beautiful Exciting So-so Complicated Sloppy Beautiful
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Did that first kiss involve tongues? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Were you in love, or was this more like an experience? X: You were in love, which is why it was so good It was more to see how you did it, but it was still pretty nice To be honest it wasn’t all that great, and my partner was ugly Y: You were in love, which is why it was so good It was more to see how you did it, but it was still pretty nice To be honest it wasn’t all that great, and my partner was ugly Who was your first sexual experience with? X:
Y:
How old were you? X:
Y:
And how old was your partner? X:
Y:
Was it also your partner’s first time? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
When was it? (Try to be as precise as possible.) X:
Y:
Where was it? (Try to be as precise as possible.) X:
Y:
Overall, was the loss of your virginity a happy memory? No X: Yes Y: Yes
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No
No
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What was it like? (Again, try to be very precise. Several choices are possible.) Painful Quick X: Magical Pleasant So-so Disappointing Rushed Traumatic A fiasco A dream Dirty Beautiful Just the way you imagined Technical Tender Very pressured Like in the movies Better than expected Noisy Too early Raw Absolutely the best! Terrific Stressful Impressive Zero Romantic Unconfirmed Painful Quick Y: Magical Pleasant So-so Disappointing Rushed Traumatic A fiasco A dream Dirty Beautiful Just the way you imagined Technical Tender Very pressured Like in the movies Better than expected Noisy Too early Raw Absolutely the best! Terrific Stressful Impressive Zero Romantic Unconfirmed Did you use a contraceptive? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
How soon after that did you make love again? X:
Y:
Was it with the same person? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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No
No
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How long were you with the first person you made love with? X: Y: Do you think you have slept with enough people in your life up to now? No No X: Yes Y: Yes How many people turned you down by saying “I want us to stay friends,” or even worse, “Our friendship is too important for us to spoil it stupidly, you know”? Very few A couple X: None Quite a few Far too many If you only knew All of them, do you hear, all of them! Very few A couple Y: None Quite a few Far too many If you only knew All of them, do you hear, all of them! What was the most humiliating break-up in your life? X: Y: What was the best break-up in your life? X:
Y:
Has anyone ever broken up with you by phone? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Has an ex ever slapped you, or thrown a glass of water in your face? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, did you deserve it? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
Who was your biggest heartbreak? X:
Y:
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No
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How long did it take you to get over it? X:
Y:
What do you usually do to console yourself after a break- up? X: Y: Aside from the person next to you, who was the last person to make you cry? X: Y: Who was the worst asshole you went out with, even though you knew it? X: Y: Of your exes, which had the most ridiculous name? X: Y: Of your exes, which had the greatest age difference with you? X: Y: How much was that age difference? X:
Y:
Where was your worst sexual experience, and with whom? X: Y: What was the worst date of your life? X: Y: Have you ever gone out with several people at the same time? No X: Yes Y: Yes
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No
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What is the most beautiful present you ever gave an ex? X: Y: What is the most expensive present you ever gave an ex? X: Y: What is the most expensive present you have given your current partner? X: Y: What did you tell your last ex that you have never told your current partner? X: Y: By the way, why did you split up with your previous partner? X: Y: Did you regret the break-up? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever had regrets when you thought about an ex? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever gone to one of your exes’ weddings? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
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If yes, how did you feel? X: Embarrassed Jealous Sincerely happy for them Bitter Nothing, it was old history Y: Embarrassed Jealous Sincerely happy for them Bitter Nothing, it was old history
Unhappy Amused Excited Sad Nothing, you were drunk Unhappy Amused Excited Sad Nothing, you were drunk
If an ex invited you to dinner, would you accept? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If an ex asked you to put them up, would you agree? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
So let’s add it all up…
How many times have you fallen in love? X: times Y: times How many times have you proposed to someone? X: times Y: times How many times have you said yes? X: times Y: times How many times have you gone out with someone who was married? X: times Y: times How many times have you gone to bed on the first date? X: times Y: times How many times have you slept with someone without knowing their name? X: times Y: times
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How many one-night stands have you had? X: times Y: How often have you gone to bed again with an ex? X: times Y: How many times has someone cheated on you? X: times Y: How many times has somebody left you? X: times Y: How many times have you met the man or the woman of your life? X: times Y:
times times times times times
Before today, did you let your partner see or talk with their exes? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, did you care if they saw or talked to one of their exes? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
In fact, were you pretending not to care? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
Now that you know pretty much everything about their exes, which one do you hate the most? X: Y: Deep down, do you think your partner has had too many lovers? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Does it bother you to think that your partner made love with other people before you? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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•Chapter 4•
Now that we have explored the question, do exes still represent a tense subject within your relationship? X: Y: Well, of course. More so than before. A little less, we’ve made progress. No, but at least we won’t bring it up again. Who knows?
You and Being Single Do you remember the time when you were single? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Was that a good time for you? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
What do you remember most fondly about your single life? (Choose two answers.) X: Having free time Not having to account for what I did Having enough money Not having to wash Sexual freedom The excitement of first dates The absence of restrictions The right to masturbate Family pressure The ability to go out at the drop of a hat The right to eat unbalanced meals The decoration of my bedroom Other, specify: Y: Having free time Not having to account for what I did Having enough money Not having to wash Sexual freedom
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•La Romance•
The excitement of first dates The absence of restrictions The right to masturbate Family pressure The ability to go out at the drop of a hat The right to eat unbalanced meals The decoration of my bedroom Other, specify:
Since you have been together, do you sometimes miss seeing your friends? X: Y: Have you even lost some friends since becoming a couple? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What is your biggest regret since you’ve been together? X: Y: Would you say that you stay together mainly… (Three answers maximum.) X: Because you are still in love Because of the children Because you’re happy, that’s all Out of habit Because of religion Because of a bet you made Because of the sex For bad reasons To please your mother Because you’re afraid of having to date again Because it would be worse with someone else Because nobody suits you so well Because you don’t have the courage to leave Because you’ve never met anyone else
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Y:
Because it’s good for your image Because you don’t want to hurt your partner Other reason, specify: Because you are still in love Because of the children Because you’re happy, that’s all Out of habit Because of religion Because of a bet you made Because of the sex For bad reasons To please your mother Because you’re afraid of having to date again Because it would be worse with someone else Because nobody suits you so well Because you don’t have the courage to leave Because you’ve never met anyone else Because it’s good for your image Because you don’t want to hurt your partner Other reason, specify:
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Chapter 5
Intimate Confessions Seized by the demon of confession, our heroes cast off their last reluctance to confide, and reveal to their partner all the things they had been clumsily hiding like a hole in an old sock. This opens a new era of communication, full of honesty and new perspectives, but it also generates some anxiety, because certain things are best not known.
I
t’s always best to anticipate the worst in order to attain the best, so this chapter will accompany you in the delicate but necessary revelation of your most intimate confes-
sions.You’ll see, you’ll feel better afterwards.And while you may not have rushed into it, you will be happy to have taken this additional step in your relationship.
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Your Little Secrets Let’s start small.
Do you try to hide certain personal things from your partner? Of course! X: Of course not! Of course! Y: Of course not! What things are you hiding, among others? X: You are bisexual You have a police record You hate their parents You use drugs You have drunk blood You eat your boogers You are depressed You were recently fired You watch porno films when your lover is asleep You are unhappy Other, specify:_______________________________________________________ Y: You are bisexual You have a police record You hate their parents You use drugs You have drunk blood You eat your boogers You are depressed You were recently fired You watch porno films when your lover is asleep You are unhappy Other, specify:_______________________________________________________
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•La Romance•
What little secret have you never told your partner? X: Y: What big secret have you never told your partner? X: Y: Honestly, what really attracted you about your partner when you first met? X: Y: What irritated you at the start of your relationship that you have never mentioned since? X: Y: What lie have you been telling about yourself for years? X: Y: What is the most recent lie you told someone? X: Y: Who did you tell this lie to? X:
Y:
What is false (or slightly improved) on your résumé today? X: Y: Do you ever lie about your age? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
148
No
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•Chapter 5•
When someone asks your age, what do you answer? X: Y: When somebody asks how much you earn… You give your real income without embarrassment You say you earn more than you actually do You say you earn less than you actually do You usually refuse to answer Do you know your partner’s exact income? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
X:
Y:
No
How much do you think your partner earns in a month? X: Y: And how much do they actually earn? (Ask them, they’re right next to you.) X: Y: How much money do you have in savings? X:
Y:
Do you tend to minimize this figure when speaking with your partner? No No X: Yes Y: Yes While we’re at it, what question would you like to ask the other person that you have never dared ask before? X: Y: What is the answer to that question? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
Your Big Secrets Now let’s move on to some more embarrassing questions. X: Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever rummaged in your partner’s purse or wallet? Have you ever stolen money from your mother’s purse? Have you ever cheated on your income taxes? Have you ever slapped a child? Have you ever urinated in the street? Have you ever watched a porno film? Have you ever watched a gay porno film? Have you ever allowed someone to be insulted in the street? Have you ever let a racist taxi driver talk on? Have you ever had a homosexual experience? Have you ever called the police to complain about a neighbor? Have you ever lied to your parents? Have you ever seen your parents making love? Have you ever heard your parents making love? Have you ever laughed at a handicapped person? Have you ever parked in a handicapped space? Have you ever tried to kill someone? Do you suck your finger after you scratch your ear? Have you ever spit in the street? Have you ever had a fight with someone? Have you ever farted in the bath? Have you ever farted in bed? Have you ever made love without a condom, even though you had some doubts? Have you ever wanted to shave your entire body? Do you enjoy popping pimples on your face? Have you ever stolen a friend’s lover? Have you ever left before a lover woke up? 150
Y:
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No
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•Chapter 5•
Have you ever let anyone think that you loved them? Has anyone ever called you a racist? Have you ever borrowed something (money, book, DVD) without returning it? Have you ever measured your penis? Have you ever shaken hands with someone who hates you? Have you ever left someone because they had gained weight? Have you ever walked out of a restaurant without paying? Have you ever told a lie just to sleep with somebody? Have you ever farted as you stepped out of an elevator? Have you ever claimed a quotation as your own? Have you ever called an ex one evening when you felt depressed? Have you ever eaten a booger just to find out what it tastes like? Have you ever smelled your fingers after scratching your ass? Have you ever thought of an animal in a sexual way? Have you ever made love to military music? Have you ever imagined your in-laws making love? Have you ever insulted a representative of the authorities? Have you ever left someone because of their accent? Have you ever wanted to get a genital piercing? Have you ever told anyone that they made love badly? Have you ever gotten somebody really turned on, and then run away laughing? Have you ever taken advantage of a friend’s break-up to sleep with their ex? Have you ever left someone because they were poor? Have you ever been photographed naked? Have you ever been filmed while making love? Have you ever mutilated yourself ? Have you ever worn leather underwear? Have you ever smelled someone’s underwear? Is your police record clean? Have you ever cheated on an exam? Have you ever driven while drunk? 151
Yes No Yes No
Yes No Yes No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes No
Yes No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No
No No No No No No No No No No
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•La Romance•
Have you ever laughed at a racist joke? Have you ever copied a CD instead of buying it? Have you ever pretended to be busy so as not to give money to a homeless person? Have you ever torn up a parking ticket? Have you ever driven alone in the commuter lane? Have you ever written obscenities on a wall? Have you ever used a firearm? Have you ever pretended to be sick so as not to go to work? Have you ever pretended to cry in order to end a fight? Have you ever humiliated yourself at a karaoke party? Have you ever taken advantage of a mistake by a cashier? Have you ever worn leopard-pattern underwear? Have you ever said “shit” in front of your parents? Have you ever put dirty underwear back on? Have you ever been ashamed of your job? Have you ever been ashamed to introduce your partner to someone?
Yes No Yes No
Yes No Yes No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes No
No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes No
The Little Weaknesses You Can’t Resist Have you ever smoked? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, do you still smoke? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What do you smoke, for that matter? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________ How many cigarettes do you smoke a day? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________
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•Chapter 5•
Have you ever drunk alcohol? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you drink alcohol often? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What you usually drink? X:
Y:
Do you sometimes drink secretly, without your partner’s knowledge? No No X: Yes Y: Yes When were you drunk for the first time? X:
Y:
What was the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk? X: Y: Have you ever vomited in the street? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever vomited on another person? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
If yes, who was that? X: Y: Have you ever driven a car while drunk? No X: Yes
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•La Romance•
Are you sorry? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you think you might do it again? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Are you currently in good health? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What illness have you suffered from recently? X:
Y:
What are the main illnesses you have suffered in your life? X: Y: What surgeries have you had? X: Y: Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If yes, which? X: Y: Have you ever had a rectal examination? (For medical reasons, that is. Anything else is up to you.) No No Y: Yes X: Yes If yes, have you told your partner about it before? No X: Yes Y: Yes
154
No
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•Chapter 5•
Do you secretly take drugs without your partner knowing? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, what drugs do you use or have you used? Grass Cocaine X: Hashish Ecstasy Glue Toads Cocaine Y: Hashish Grass Ecstasy Glue Toads
No
Heroin Chocolate Heroin Chocolate
Do you think you are hooked on any of those drugs? No X: Yes Y: Yes
LSD Crack LSD Crack
No
What drug would you like to try? X: Y: What drug would you never try again? X: Y: What else are you hooked on? X: Television Sex Friends Mary Higgins Clark Y: Television Sex Friends Mary Higgins Clark
Telephone The Internet Video games Caffeine Telephone The Internet Video games Caffeine
Sports Crossword puzzles Computer solitaire Sports Crossword puzzles Computer solitaire
155
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•La Romance•
What edible thing can you never, ever resist? X:
Y:
Have you ever voted on a TV reality show? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If yes, which one? X:
Y:
No
Which reality show would you like to or did you participate in? X: Y: What reality show personality do you find attractive? X: Y: Who were you a fan of in the old days that you would be embarrassed to admit to your friends today? (You can still be a fan; personally, that’s none of my business.) X: Y: What posters did you have on your wall when you were a teenager that would be awkward to explain today? X: Y: Have you ever asked a famous person for an autograph? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it? X:
No
Y:
While we’re on embarrassing confessions, how old were you the last time you asked someone for an autograph? X: Y:
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•Chapter 5•
Who are you a fan of today? X: Y: What record have you bought that you hide when friends come over? X: Y: What book are you ashamed of reading but enjoyed anyway? X: Y: What song do you sing when no one, and I mean no one, is around? X: Y: What movie do you love to watch but is hard to justify to your friends? X: Y: What movie do you often let people think you have seen or liked? X: Y: What is the most ridiculous disguise you have ever worn? X: Y: What slightly silly things do you collect? X:
Y:
What else are you ashamed of today? X:
Y:
What couldn’t you live without today? X:
Y:
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•La Romance•
What little weakness will do you in? X:
Y:
What will probably kill you? X:
Y:
Your Fears I know, it’s no fun to admit one’s fears in front of another person, but we agreed that we would tell everything, so let’s go.
Are you afraid of… X: Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Dying? Crowds? Elevators? Your boss? TV newscasts? Disappointing your parents? Your partner going out without you? Airplanes? Noises in the night? Space? Having children? Losing your friends? Growing old? Marriage? Department store Santa Clauses? Losing your job? Ghosts? God or the devil? Insects, snakes, rats, spiders, etc.? Being wrong about the other person? 158
Y: No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
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•Chapter 5•
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Terrorism? The future? War? Football fans? Going to sales on the first day? Losing your parents? Losing your hair? Losing your teeth? Getting a serious illness? Being loved only for your body? Winding up all alone?
No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No
Your Life Principles Here is a fairly random collection of statements. Say whether or not you agree. X: Yes No Best not talk to you in the morning Yes No Ladies first Yes No Too much sex kills sex Yes No Children are fine for other people Yes No You would really like to have a cat Yes No Life is unfair Yes No You couldn’t live alone today Yes No You secretly masturbate You think your lover has gained weight but don’t Yes No dare say so Yes No You dance as if you had two left feet Yes No Men are worse than children Yes No Women are worse than snakes One can be in love with more than one person at once Yes No Yes No We only have one love in life Yes No You sometimes feel oppressed by your partner Yes No Might makes right
159
Y: Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No
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•La Romance•
Your mother-in-law is a little too present in your life You have faked an orgasm with your partner You have considered homosexuality Couples should not live together before marriage Big breasts are nice Clitoris is a hot neighborhood in Athens You can lie out of love You enjoy spending time without your partner You look in the bowl before flushing You have read The Da Vinci Code, like everybody else You like Baudelaire You aren’t sure who Baudelaire is Your partner’s breath has bothered you Hell is other people Women like sex as much as men Size matters TV makes you stupid You should have worked harder in school Voting is important Sex is the most important thing in a loving relationship Your partner is good at housework Your partner needs a new haircut You could have done better than your current partner You feel that you look good in the other’s eyes You’re tired of watching Murder, She Wrote reruns You snuggle up to your partner when you go to sleep You desire your partner right now
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
If you both answered “Yes” to the last question, you may take another little break from filling out this book. See you later. All right, if you’re back—or if you didn’t both answer “Yes”—let’s go on with your story.
160
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•Chapter 5•
Rapid-Fire Confessions What good things do you think you have done in your life? X: Y: What five things have you done in your life that you are least proud of? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Deep down… X: You like yourself You can live with yourself You would like to be someone else Y: You like yourself You can live with yourself You would like to be someone else
You think you aren’t bad You don’t like yourself very much You wonder what people see in you You think you aren’t bad You don’t like yourself very much You wonder what people see in you
What is the greatest shame in your life? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
What is your greatest regret? X: Y: What would you fear if your partner won the lottery? X: Y: What have you inherited from your mother? X:
Y:
What have you inherited from your father? X:
Y:
Who do you feel closest to? X: Mother Both Y: Mother Both
Father Neither Father Neither
What have you hidden from your parents so as not to disappoint them? X: Y: What have you never dared ask your parents for? X: Y: What would you like (or would have liked) your parents to tell you some day? X: Y: Have you often fought with your parents? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
162
No
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•Chapter 5•
What was usually the cause of those fights? X:
Y:
Have you ever thought of seeing a psychiatrist? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
What has been the greatest trauma of your life? X:
Y:
No
Today, deep down, you would really like to change your… Apartments X: Job In-laws Underpants Vacation spot Haircut City Friends Apartments Y: Job In-laws Underpants Vacation spot Haircut City Friends If no one would ever know, which of these would you be most tempted to do? X: Cheat on your partner Try homosexuality Star in a porno film Cheat on your income tax Slap one of the von Trapp children in The Sound of Music Visit a prostitute Y: Cheat on your partner Try homosexuality Star in a porno film Cheat on your income tax Slap one of the von Trapp children in The Sound of Music Visit a prostitute
163
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•La Romance•
Have you ever wanted to die? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, have you ever acted on that desire? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, give the reasons that once made you want to die. X: Y: Have you ever given a friend an alibi for cheating on their spouse? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Which person in your group of friends do you envy the most? X: Y: Do you sometimes feel embarrassed when naked in front of your partner? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What part of your body do you not like your lover to touch or look at? X: Y: What part of your body are you fond of? X:
Y:
What part of your body do you feel bad about? X:
Y:
Which of your partner’s talents or qualities do you envy? X: Y: What do you let them believe about you that isn’t true? X: Y:
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•Chapter 5•
What is the strangest place you have ever woken up? X: Y: What do you do when the other person is away that you don’t usually do? X: Y: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done because of your partner? X: Y: What do you never do when the other person is there? X: Y: Who don’t you like among your workmates? X:
Y:
What Christmas present would you like your partner to give you? X: Y: What character, living or dead, would you like to have a drink with? X: Y: What do you hate to do before going to sleep? X:
Y:
What hidden talent do you still hide from your partner? X: Y: When do you most feel like saying “I love you”? X:
Y:
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•La Romance•
What magic power would you like to have? X:
Y:
What is the most disgusting thing you have ever put in your mouth? (For non-sexual purposes.) X: Y: What have you never told anyone? X: Y: Do you know compromising things about your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, what in particular do you know? X:
Y:
Do you think you are too hairy? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
Have you ever compared your body parts with someone else’s? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it? X:
No
No
No
Y:
Have you ever consulted someone about your sex life? X: Y: Have you ever been attracted to a member of your family? No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, who was it? X:
Y:
166
No
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•Chapter 5•
If no, who would you find the most attractive anyway? X: Y: What member of your partner’s family do you find attractive? X: Y: While we’re at it, which of their friends do you really, really like? X: Y: Whose life would you like to have? X:
Y:
What person would cause you trouble if they came and said they were in love with you? X: Y: Are you embarrassed to cry in front of your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Are you or would you be embarrassed to borrow money from them? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Who would you borrow $2,000 from? X:
Y:
Would you leave your partner if an accident left them a paraplegic? No No X: Yes Y: Yes When you are late to an appointment, you usually… X: Tell the truth Lie Y: Tell the truth Lie If your lover kept a diary and you found it when you were all alone at home, would you try to read it? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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•La Romance•
Would you be ashamed to get divorced some day? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Would you be unhappy if your children were homosexual? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Would you prevent your son from taking ballet? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
How many times have you taken the driver’s license exam? X: times Y: In the last elections, you voted for… X:
Y:
What spelling mistake do you always make? X:
Y:
In what area do you most often show bad taste? X:
Y:
What money have you least deserved? X:
Y:
Who would you like to have hate you? X:
Y:
Do you give money to homeless people? Yes, usually Sometimes X: Yes, always Yes, usually Sometimes Y: Yes, always
168
times
Rarely Rarely
Never Never
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•Chapter 5•
What terribly embarrassing story do your parents tell about you? X: Y: What group did you last donate to? X:
Y:
In general, to break up with someone… X: You deliver an ultimatum You make the other person leave You send a text message You write a letter You say that it’s your fault, not theirs Y: You deliver an ultimatum You make the other person leave You send a text message You write a letter You say that it’s your fault, not theirs
You arrange a face-to-face discussion You leave a note on the refrigerator You wait as long as it takes You say,“I want us to stay friends” You say you’ve become a homo You arrange a face-to-face discussion You leave a note on the refrigerator You wait as long as it takes You say,“I want us to stay friends” You say you’ve become a homo
If your partner did not exist today, who would you like to spend the rest of your life with, among all the people you know? X: Y: Which of you do you think will die first? Your partner X: You
Y: You
Do you think you will go to hell or to heaven? X: To hell To heaven
Y: To hell To heaven
Your partner
Do you think your partner will go to hell or to heaven? X: To hell To heaven Y: To hell To heaven
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Is there any final thing that you would like to say or confess to the other person that has not been touched on in this chapter? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, this is the moment… X: Y:
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Chapter 6
Want to Try Something Sexy? In which we are going to talk about sex frankly and clearly, and finally discover what you have always wanted to know about your partner’s secret fantasies without ever daring to ask. Warning: this will turn out to be a red-hot chapter, so it is for mature readers only, thank you in advance.
W
e have been not only skirting the issue, but hemming and hawing. So it’s high time we tackled the subject that has been skillfully avoided during the previous
chapters. We are all confused by sex, and while it is possible to make love without being in love, it would be too bad to be in love without making love. So here is the long-awaited chapter (forbidden for those under 18) where we are going to tell you absolutely everything you always wanted to know about your partner’s sex life but didn’t dare ask.
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•La Romance•
Preliminaries First of all, do you like sex? No X: Yes No Y: Yes
Depends on with whom Depends on with whom
Would you say that your partner likes sex? A lot X: A little Madly Not at all A lot Y: A little Madly Not at all When did you last make love? Yesterday X: Today Within the last month Within the last year I don’t know; I’ve forgotten Do you mean “with each other”? Yesterday Y: Today Within the last month Within the last year I don’t know; I’ve forgotten Do you mean “with each other”? And how was it? X: Boring Pretty good Indescribable Y: Boring Pretty good Indescribable
Passionately Passionately
Within the last week During the Nixon administration Within the last week During the Nixon administration
Average Very good I don’t know; I’ve forgotten, I tell you Average Very good I don’t know; I’ve forgotten, I tell you
May I ask you an intimate question? X: Yes, it won’t be the first time Y: Yes, it won’t be the first time
Interesting Fantastic Interesting Fantastic
No, that’s enough for now No, that’s enough for now
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•Chapter 6•
If you answered “No” to the preceding question, you can close the book and forgive me for intruding in your private life this way. On the other hand, you’re the ones who wanted to play this dangerous little game, so don’t complain later on. When you’re calm again, you can come back and we will quietly resume our conversation. If you answered “Yes”—or if you’re calm again—shall we continue?
Would you say that you are “good in bed”? (The expression is awful, I know.) No No Y: Yes X: Yes Objectively, is your partner “good in bed”? (The expression is awful, I know.) No No Y: Yes X: Yes What is your specialty when you make love? X: Y: And what does your partner do best in bed (besides sleeping)? X: Y: When did you last especially enjoy making love with your partner? X: Y: What was it that you especially liked about that time? X: Y: Bring up your very best memories. If I ask you what “the” time you made love together, and “the” unforgettable memory immediately comes to mind, where was it, when, and how? X: Y:
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Why do you remember that time in particular? X: Y: Do you remember an occasion when, to the contrary, it was an absolute sexual fiasco? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, what in particular went wrong that time? X: Y: What is your absolute record for the number of sex acts in a single night? X: Y: Was this with your current partner? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If not, what is your record with your partner? X:
Y:
No
Do you think you could ever spank your partner in a sexual way? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you think that your partner still has much to learn regarding sex? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If so, what should be the first thing? X: Y: And the second thing? X: Y:
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If you are a woman, what should your partner learn once and for all? (More than one answer is possible.) Size doesn’t count Foreplay is vital My clitoris is right there Breasts are sensitive Hygiene is important Tenderness is nice, too Forty-five seconds isn’t much Snuggling afterward is essential Cunnilingus is not the name of an insect A porno movie is not a good basis for comparison No, not everybody goes to swinging parties Dirty words aren’t always exciting When I say no, I mean no There are other positions, after all All women are princesses There are other things in life If you are a man, what should your partner learn once and for all? (More than one answer is possible.) After making love, men sleep Men can fake it, too Fellatio is always nice Condoms inhibit desire To masturbate a man, you have to squeeze Sometimes it’s hard to hold back hard and use circular, up and down movements Sperm is good for the skin Sodomy isn’t dirty It usually takes a man at least a quarter of Fellatio is really always nice an hour to recover The family jewels are fragile, be careful Headaches can be cured Fellatio is . . . oh, you know Shaved pubes are very exciting That’s all there is in life
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In terms of sex do you prefer… X: Y: To give On top From the front Lights on In a bed To do To fake it In a couple Foreplay Fellatio Morning All the time Love without sex Active Love so as to make love Have you ever gotten hurt while making love? No X: Yes
or or or or or or or or or or or or or or or
To receive Underneath From the back Lights off Not in a bed To be done to To hurt their feelings In a group The act itself Sodomy Night From time to time Sex without love Passive Make love so as to love
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever burst out laughing while making love? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever been bored while making love? No X: Yes
No
If yes, what happened? X: Y:
Y: Yes
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X:
Y:
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Have you ever thought of someone else while you were making love with your partner? Yes, from time to time X: To be honest yes, it has happened No, never Yes, from time to time Y: To be honest yes, it has happened No, never If yes, who was it? X:
Y:
Have you ever faked an orgasm? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you ever faked an orgasm with your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If yes, why? X: Y: What aphrodisiacs have you used? X: Y: Have you ever taken performance-enhancing substances without your partner knowing? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Would you be ashamed to have to use Viagra or something like it someday? No No X: Yes Y: Yes At the start of the relationship, did you use condoms? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do you still use condoms? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes 177
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If not, how soon did you stop using them? X:
Y:
If you are a man, have you ever measured the length of your penis? Yes No How big is your penis at rest? (If you don’t know, measure it now. If your penis is not at rest, take a break to calm yourself down one way or another.) inches What is the size of your erect penis? (If you don’t know, measure it whenever you can.) inches Do you find this size fully satisfactory (as either owner or user)? No No Y: Yes X: Yes If you are a woman, what is the size of your bust? (If you don’t know, measure it now.) inches Do you find this size fully satisfactory (as either owner or user)? No No Y: Yes X: Yes Have you ever felt fake breasts? No X: Yes If yes, what did you think? X: Not as good Y: Not as good
Y: Yes Good Good
No
Better, because they’re bigger Better, because they’re bigger
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What bothers you the most while making love? Smells Your partner’s shouts X: Noises Dirty words Nudity Sweat The repetitive aspect The stains on the sheets The condom The movie camera The children in the next room Pressure The hairs The spectators Everything Nothing Smells Your partner’s shouts Y: Noises Dirty words Nudity Sweat The repetitive aspect The stains on the sheets The condom The movie camera The children in the next room Pressure The hairs The spectators Everything Nothing What term do you like to use for “making love”? X: Y: What term for “making love” do you hate? X: Y: What word do you use for “penis”? X:
Y:
What word do you use for “vagina”? X:
Y:
Have your genitals ever gotten nicknames, from you or from someone else? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If yes, what are they? X: Y: 179
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Have you ever seen a pornographic movie? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
If yes, how old were you the first time? X:
Y:
When you saw this movie, you were . . . (Select all that apply.) With a friend or friends X: Alone at home In a movie theater Intrigued Excited Impressed Disgusted Satisfied Naked Stressed With a friend or friends Y: Alone at home In a movie theater Intrigued Excited Impressed Disgusted Satisfied Naked Stressed
No
With your partner Very curious Disappointed Enthusiastic Impressed by the dialogue With your partner Very curious Disappointed Enthusiastic Impressed by the dialogue
What is the funniest pornographic movie title you know? X: Y: Have you ever paid anyone for sex? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Y: Yes
No
If yes, how did that happen? X: Y: If no, have you ever considered it? No X: Yes If yes, why haven’t you ever done it? X: Y: 180
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What is the word you say most often when you’re making love? X: Y: If you are a man, have you ever had a sexual “breakdown”? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
If you are a woman, has a man ever had a sexual “breakdown” with you? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If you answered “yes” to one of the two preceding questions, are you afraid it will happen again some day? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If you are a man, what is your secret for being able to make love for a long time? X: Y: Do you masturbate regularly? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, how often do you masturbate on average? X: Y: If your partner masturbates, did you know or suspect it? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Does this bother you? No X: Yes
No
Y: Yes
Aside from your partner, who do you sometimes think of when you masturbate? X: Y: Have you ever masturbated at work? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
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No
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If yes, why? X:
Y:
Have you ever made love . . . X: With a stranger? With a person of the same sex? With a married man or woman? With a whip? With a minor? With a person who was a virgin at that point? With a prostitute? With an animal? With a person who was drunk? With a handicapped person? With a classmate? With a workmate? With someone who was really, really ugly? With a member of your family? With your best friend? With something made of plastic or rubber? With somebody famous? With a foreigner? With a boss?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
Y: No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
What is the strangest thing you have ever put in your mouth? (For sexual purposes, this time.) X: Y: What is the strangest thing you have ever put anywhere else? X: Y: Where was that, exactly? X:
Y:
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•Chapter 6•
Have you ever thought of changing sexes? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Would you leave somebody who absolutely refused to perform fellatio or cunnilingus? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Who do you talk about sex with, aside from your partner? X: Y: How drunk would you have to be to have sex with just anybody? X: glasses of Y: glasses of How old do you think you should be before making love the first time? years old Y: years old X: How old do you think you will be when sex no longer interests you? years old Y: years old X: What do you think is the best time for a little caress (aside from right now)? X: Y:
You Two and Sex Would you say that you and your partner are sexually compatible? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If so, have you always been compatible? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you think sex plays an essential role in your being together? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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Have you ever even thought that your relationship was only about sex? No No X: Yes Y: Yes If that’s the case, is that a problem, or has it been? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever thought your partner was too “hot” in bed? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Do you think one can make love well without being in love? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
When you begin a relationship with someone, how soon do you think it is reasonable to move on to a more sexual connection? Within a week Within a month X: On the third date Right away After the wedding When you feel like it Within a month Within a week Y: On the third date Right away After the wedding When you feel like it How many times have the two of you made love? This is a hard question, I know. To answer properly, either you pull out your diary, in which you have noted each of these memorable encounters, and add them up, or you give an approximate figure by calculating the average frequency by day, week, month, or year, multiplied by the number of days, weeks, months, or years you have been together. If you’ve been together for a long time, I suggest you do the calculation by year because that tempo has probably fallen off over time. Don’t feel bad, it’s normal. Because this is a personally difficult and delicate question, you may raise the resulting figure by 10 percent to cheer yourself up a little. Don’t thank me, it’s my pleasure. So, as I was saying, how many times have the two of you made love? times (roughly) And on average, how much time does sex take in your relationship? (Answer in minutes. Don’t be a show-off.) X: Y: 184
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•Chapter 6•
Does that length of time suit you in general? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Let’s do a little mathematical exercise. Multiply the number of times you’ve made love by the average duration of your sex together, then convert this figure into something meaningful. (Divide your answer by 60 to get the number of hours, then by 24 to get the number of days, then by seven to get the number of weeks, then by five to have the number of months, and finally by 12 to have the number of years.) You have therefore spent: years months of your life making love up to now. Does this figure make you feel proud? No X: Yes
weeks
days
Y: Yes
hours
No
Since starting to fill in this book, how many times have you made love? times Have you ever forced your partner to make love? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever made love without wanting to, just to please the other person? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Have you ever refused to make love with your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
185
No
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If yes, what was the reason? (Select all that apply.) X:
You just didn’t feel like it You were tired You didn’t have all your mental faculties The children could hear you You were in the your parents’ bed You felt like annoying your partner Sex basically disgusts you You’d had an argument You had a physical problem You were afraid You’d just made love with someone else It was really late There was football on TV / A girlfriend phoned you It was raining You were driving To make the pleasure last
If yes, did you think that you would ever refuse to make love? No X: Yes Y: Yes
Y:
No
Have you ever started to make love to your partner when they were asleep? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Do you often make love these days? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
How many times a week, usually? X:
Y:
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•Chapter 6•
Today, that tempo is . . . X: Perfect Quite satisfactory Y: Perfect Quite satisfactory
Inadequate Disappointing Inadequate Disappointing
Has that tempo slowed over time? No X: Yes No Y: Yes
High High
Maybe a little Maybe a little
If you make love less often than before, who do you think is responsible? Your partner Both of us, somewhat X: You Both of us, somewhat Your partner Y: You If the sexual tempo has fallen off, how do you explain it? You’re tired these days You’re worried The children are a pain Basically, you find it disgusting You’ve avoided the issue One of you has taken a lover Abstinence becomes a habit Too much sex kills sex Not enough surprises Not enough orgasms You’ve settled into a routine One of you has discovered the joys of embroidery You have too much work You aren’t twenty years old anymore You aren’t animals, after all! Other, specify: X: Y:
187
X:
Y:
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Have you ever had better sex with someone other than your current partner? No Maybe Mystery, please! Mystery! X: Yes Mystery, please! Mystery! No Maybe Y: Yes Ideally, you would make love… X: Several times a day Every two or three days From time to time, only when you felt like it Y: Several times a day Every two or three days From time to time, only when you felt like it
Once a day Once a week Once a day Once a week
What do you like about your partner when you make love? X: Y: Have you ever torn your partner’s clothes off and made love right there in the hallway? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What have you done together in bed that made you blush? X: Y: What have you done together in bed that bothered you? X: Y: What is the dirtiest thing you ever told your partner while making love? X: Y:
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•Chapter 6•
What drives you wild about your partner? X: Y: What have you done with an ex that you would like to do with your current partner? X: Y: What have you done with your current partner that you’d never done before? X: Y: What was the most exciting thing the two of you did together? X: Y: Have you often done it again since then? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If not, why not? X: Y: What does your partner sometimes do that makes you want to jump their bones right here and now? X: Y: When your lover is naked, what is the first thing you look at? X: Y:
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What part of your lover’s body do you find very exciting? X: Y: What part of your lover’s body is a total turn-off? X: Y: What is your favorite position when making love? X: Y: What part of your body do you not want touched, especially when making love? X: Y: What is your most erogenous area? X:
Y:
Have you ever had sex that lasted for an hour or more? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Have you ever made so much noise that your neighbors complained? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What have you done in bed that would most shock your parents?
What is the most beautiful place the two of you have made love?
What is the most exciting place the two of you have made love?
What is the seediest place the two of you have made love?
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•Chapter 6•
What is the farthest country from your home where the two of you have made love?
Have you already made love . . . (Answer for each one and then check the box marked “Together” if you have made love together under those conditions.) X: Y: Together? In a bed? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No On a sofa? On the ground? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In the street? In a swimming pool? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In the ocean? On the beach? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Out in nature? On the kitchen table? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In a hot tub? On an animal skin in front of the fire? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In your parents’ bed? In a public toilet? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In the woods? In a public park? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No At your workplace? In a car? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In an elevator? In an airplane? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In a boat? In a museum? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In a movie theater? In a no-tell motel? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In a nightclub? In a swingers club? Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No In a bathtub? In a field? Yes No Yes No
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In a classroom? While watching a porno film? While watching Larry King?
Yes Yes Yes
No No No
Yes Yes Yes
No No No
Draw the layout of your apartment or house below and mark every place where you have ever made love.
Fantasies Do you feel completely sexually comfortable with your partner? No No X: Yes Y: Yes Are there things that you haven’t tried that you would like to try someday? No No X: Yes Y: Yes List three things that you would like to try someday. OK Not OK X: 1. ___________ Y: Y: 1. ___________ X: 2. ___________ Y: 2. ___________ X: 3. ___________ Y: 3. ___________ X:
OK
Not OK
Given the preceding statements by your partner, say whether or not you agree to try them soon.
Just between us, what would you love your partner to do to you (or do more often)? X:_______________________________ Y:_________________________________ 192
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On the other hand, what three things would you refuse to do even if your partner really wanted to? X: 1. 2. 3. Y: 1. 2. 3. What have you never dared to ask for while making love? X: Y: What is your most secret fantasy? X: Y: Let’s bring ourselves up to date on your respective fantasies. For each proposition, the two of you should enter “Done” if it’s something that you have already done together, “To do” if it’s something that both of you find interesting, or “Not a chance” if it’s something that you haven’t done and that one or both of you refuse to do. Of course, you’re going to have to agree on all this.
Hold off making love for three months? Make love in a public place? Make love at the beach, ooh baby? Three or more in a bed? A threesome with their best friend? Sodomy? Fellatio? Deep throat? Cunnilingus? Tantric sex? Mate swapping?
Done
To do
Not a chance
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An orgy? An all-body shave? Be filmed while making love? Handcuff your partner to the bed? Wear leather? Make love while telephoning your mother? Sadomasochism? Urinate on each other? Make love in front of other people? Blindfold your partner? Watch a porno film together? Suck your lover’s toes? Say dirty words while making love? Watch the other person masturbate? Eat whipped cream off their body? Lock yourself in a hotel room for three days with a bottle of champagne, a huge bed, and silk sheets?
What fantasies would also appeal to you? X: 1._________________________________________________________________ 2._________________________________________________________________ 3._________________________________________________________________ 4._________________________________________________________________ 5._________________________________________________________________ Y: 1._________________________________________________________________ 2._________________________________________________________________ 3._________________________________________________________________ 4._________________________________________________________________ 5._________________________________________________________________
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•Chapter 6•
Would you like your partner to shave their genitals? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Besides your partner, who was the last person to appear in one of your erotic dreams? X: Y: What excites you personally? X: Lace? Body smells? Dirty words? A tattoo? A piercing? Hearing your neighbors making love? A bare-chested firefighter? A nurse who is naked under her scrubs? A stewardess? A fighter pilot? Scented candles? Mystery? Handcuffs? Cross-dressing? Lingerie? Old underwear? Skin magazines? A gym? Shared showers? A massage? Nice cars? A Barry White song? A porno movie? A fur coat? Leather pants?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so
195
Y: Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech!
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so
Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech!
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An open décolletage? A thong? Hairs? Danger? The forbidden? Power? Firm abs? Fake breasts? A call girl? Sunshine? This book chapter?
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so
Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech!
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes
So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so So-so
Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech! Yech!
What do you think is most erotic movie in the world? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What object do you find especially erotic? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What word do you find especially erotic? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What erotic torture would you like to inflict on your lover? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What job do you find particularly erotic? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ What drink puts you in the mood to make love? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________ Who could you imagine a threesome with? X:_______________________________ Y:____________________________________
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What smell do you find particularly erotic? X:
Y:
What color sheets do you like for lovemaking? X:
Y:
Aside from your partner, who would you like to sleep with today? X: Y: Who would you sleep with any time, any place? X:
Y:
What celebrity could you never have an affair with? X: Y: Who has the most beautiful ass in the world? X:
Y:
For men: If you were a woman, would you go to bed with somebody like you? Yes No For women: If you were a man, would you go to bed with somebody like you? Yes No What type of man do you like? X: Y: What type of woman do you like? X: Y:
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Would you sleep with someone just to get ahead? No X: Yes Y: Yes What boss would you have liked to sleep with? X:
No
Y:
For pleasure, could you sleep with an ugly person who was a good lover? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What place could you never make love in? X:
Y:
What would totally turn you off to making love? X:
Y:
Do you desire your partner right now? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, this is a good time to take another little break. Don’t hesitate to take into consideration everything that you have been able to tell each other during this chapter.
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Chapter 7
The Best Is Yet to Come In which our two lovers, proud at having reached the end of this book, contemplate a radiant future with serenity and delight, and are amazed to come across a lot of good advice they can put into practice in order to love each other a little more each day.
I
t’s all very well to examine your past, say why you’re in love, and tell each other one’s richest sexual experience, but what about tomorrow? What about the future? What will
become of the two of you in a month, a year, a century, an eternity? Cheer up, because in this final chapter I’m going to suggest that you spend a few moments projecting yourself into tomorrow and the coming days, and calmly contemplating your future life together. To help make that shared life a daily delight, you’ll also find in this chapter a whole pile of advice to follow day after day so as to spend a year that is full of love, passionate kisses, and daily surprises—which the two of you richly deserve.
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Back to the Future Are you generally confident about the future? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
What five things would you like to do in your life in the short term? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. What five things would you like to do in your life in the mid term? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. What five things would you like to do in your life in the long term? X: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 200
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Y: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Do you see yourself living with your current partner twenty years from now? No Don’t know X: Yes Don’t know No Y: Yes What concerns you about the future of your relationship? X: Y: What do you expect in your future relationship that makes you happy? X: Y: What do you think you will find easier to accept in the future? X: Y: What will probably not change in your future relationship? X: Y: How do you see your partner in twenty years? X: Y: In twenty years, how will that person have succeeded? X: Y:
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In twenty years, how will that person have failed? X: Y: How do you see yourself in twenty years? X: Y: What kind of work will you probably be doing in five years? X: Y: In ten years? X:
Y:
In twenty years? X:
Y:
Where will you be living in five years? X:
Y:
In ten years? X:
Y:
In twenty years? X:
Y:
Where would you like to live when you retire? (If you’re not already retired, of course.) X: Y: Where would you like to die? X:
Y:
Where would you especially not like to die? X:
Y:
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What would you like to have written on your tombstone? X: Y: What kind of music would you like played at your funeral? X: Y: What would you like people to say about you after your death? X: Y: If you were to die, which of your friends would you like your partner to marry? X: Y: Do you think you will meet your partner in heaven? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What is your role on Earth, do you think? (If you weren’t able to answer it very well earlier in the book, I thought I’d give you another chance.) X: Y: What will the future tell us about you? X:
Y:
Your Future Together The future and life is all very well, but more specifically, what exactly do you anticipate for the future? (Careful:You’re going to have to agree on these. If it takes a while, that’s just too bad.) X: Y: X: Y: Not planned Planned Date? Marriage? Not planned Planned Date? A baby?
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•La Romance•
Moving? A trip around the world? One of you goes on a diet? A separation? Lunch with the parents? A fight? A romantic dinner? A new TV? A weekend together? One of you changes jobs? A visit to a marriage counselor? A visit to a sexologist? A pet? New friends?
Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned Not planned
Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________ Planned Date? ___________
What is missing in your happiness now that you hope to have in the future? X:___________________________________________________________________ Y:___________________________________________________________________ Let play fortune-teller a little bit more. Concentrate, and tell me . . .
What will you do next weekend? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________ When you will make love next? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________ Where will the next “I love you” be? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________ Where will your next vacation be? X:_______________________________ Y:__________________________________
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•Chapter 7•
What will be the next idiocy you see on television? X: Y: What gift will you next give your partner? X:
Y:
What gift will you give yourself? X:
Y:
What useful purchase will you make together? X:
Y:
What high-tech gadget will you buy? X:
Y:
What joint purchase will you make? X:
Y:
What will your next pet be? X:
Y:
What will your next car be? X:
Y:
What will your next stupid idea be? X:
Y:
What will your next job be? X:
Y:
What will your next whim be? X:
Y:
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•La Romance•
What will your next rebellion be? X:
Y:
What will your next piece of bad luck be? X:
Y:
What will your partner’s next whim be? X:
Y:
Your next dinner out together: where and when? X: Y: What will your next activity together be? X:
Y:
What is the next thing you will try in bed? (See preceding chapter.) X: Y: When will you next sleep late? X:
Y:
When will you next go clubbing and dance ’til dawn? X: Y: What will your next CD be? X:
Y:
What will your next DVD be? X:
Y:
What will your next concert be? X:
Y:
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•Chapter 7•
What book will you read next? X:
Y:
What movie will you see next? X:
Y:
What will your next big expense be? X:
Y:
What will your next big challenge be? X:
Y:
What will your next small challenge be? X:
Y:
When will your next hangover be? X:
Y:
What will your next lie be about? X:
Y:
What mistake will you make next? X:
Y:
Who will phone you next? X:
Y:
Skip the next question. Come back to it when someone has actually called you.
Who was the last person to phone you? X:
Y:
You can also come back in a while to see if your respective predictions were correct.
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•La Romance•
Speaking of predictions, and since the subject seems to amuse you, let’s look farther ahead. In ten years… (Please try to agree.This is a very important moment.) Who will have gained a lot of weight? Who will have cheated on the other? Who will have left or wanted to leave the other? Who will have the best job? Who will still be phoning their mother? Who will have resorted to cosmetic surgery? Who will be in the best shape? Who will have become nicer? Who will have changed a lot? Who will have lost many friends? Who will have wanted to move? Who will have had a meaningless affair? Who will still want to make love? Who will still be as much in love? Who will think they ruined their life? Who will have changed their hairstyle? Who will have spent time in jail? Who will have become famous? Who will still say “I love you” every morning? Who will have regrets? Who will have remorse? Who will have cholesterol problems? Who will have left the country? Who will have lost their hair? Who will have lost their dreams? Who will still hold the other’s hand in the street? Who will want to reread this book?
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
208
Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y
Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both Both
Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither Neither
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•Chapter 7•
What do you hope to see change in your future relationship? X: Y: What do you especially hope not to see change in your relationship? X: Y:
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Conclusion Now that everything—or almost everything—has been said or done about this magnificent love story of yours, it’s time to step back and brilliantly conclude this book.
W
ithout even noticing it, we have reached the end of the book—your book— and the purpose of this final chapter is to wrap it up before we say goodbye.
It will let you spend a moment considering what you have told each other. Let me say that it’s been a pleasure to write your story with you.
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Do you feel you told everything in this book? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Do you feel that your partner told everything in this book? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Did you stretch the truth at times? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Have you learned interesting things about your partner? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
What did you learn about the other person that you didn’t know and affected you the most? X: Y: Among the other’s answers, what surprised you the most? X: Y: Among the other’s answers, what annoyed you the most? X: Y: Among the other’s answers, what pleased you the most? X: Y: Which question worried you the most? X: Y:
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•La Romance•
Which question or answer affected you most deeply? X: Y: Which questions did you leave a mystery (or want to)? X: Y: Do think writing this book together served a purpose? No X: Yes Y: Yes
No
Was it fun? X: Yes
No
No
Y: Yes
Do you think this experience will lead you to confide in the other person more? No No X: Yes Y: Yes What subjects would you now like to revisit in more detail? X: Y: What other important subjects would you like to have tackled? X: Y: Will you show this book to other people? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
If yes, who in particular? No X: Yes
Y: Yes
No
Would you like to write another book some day to see how your answers have changed over time? No No X: Yes Y: Yes
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•Conclusion•
Now that you have finished filling out this book, which of the following statements best sums up your feelings? X: Y: Writing this book was a bad idea. You are going with a real psychopath. The other person lies very well. You are going to change partners soon. Perhaps it’s best not to know everything about another person. Maybe you should see a marriage counselor. You will be fighting for the rest of your lives. You have made the right choice of partner. You have indeed found the love of your life. Finally, after writing this book you are . . . (Choose two answers.) X: More in love than ever As much in love as before Tired Frustrated Relieved Happy Y: More in love than ever As much in love as before Tired Frustrated Relieved Happy
Less in love Excited Less in love Excited
What is today’s date? What is the weather like? What you feel like doing right now? X: Y: Bravo! You have used this book to expand what you know about the person who shares your life. You now know many valuable things about each other and may even feel you know all there is to know. Just remember, that will soon change, as you continue to grow and have new experiences. The beautiful thing is, you have the rest of your lives to continue the story . . .
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nal Not o s r e
s
Pe
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___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
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téphane Ribeiro writes scenarios for French television and is famous for questions in France. He is the writer of the questions asked every Saturday night in the famous French
TV program Tout le Monde en Parle.
W
illiam Rodarmor is an editor and a prizewinning French literary translator of more than two dozen books. His most recent translation is The Book of Time, by Guillaume Prévost
(Scholastic, 2007). He lives in Berkeley, California.
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LaRomance-Full Cover
a m Ro
11/9/07
12:38 PM
Page 1
r i a h t l b i o w ld Parisian f nce
o m R e a a c n L
These evocative, enticing and sometimes challenging questions will bring you and your partner closer and introduce a certain je ne sais quoi into any relationship.
La Romance
Explore what each of you would and wouldn’t do for each other. (Throw away your TV? Change your religion? Go to a nudist camp?) What makes you insanely jealous, and what doesn’t matter at all? Were either of you afraid of falling in love? What were you afraid of? What are the things you adore the most about each other? What are the things you would change if you could?
Guaranteed to provide hours of fun, intimacy and excitement with a dash of daring and definite panache. STEPHANE RIBEIRO
www.sourcebooks.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1649-7 ISBN-10: 1-4022-1649-1 $10.95 U.S.
Over 2,000 Questions about the Most Beautiful Love Story: Yours! Stephane Ribeiro Translated from the French by William Rodarmor
