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•,•: ' .. ROBIN LAKOFF LANGUAGE AND WOMAN'S PLACE "Our use of language embodies attitudes as well as referential meani...

Author: Robin Tolmach Lakoff

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•,•: ' ..

ROBIN LAKOFF

LANGUAGE AND WOMAN'S PLACE "Our use of language embodies attitudes as well as referential meanings. Woman's language has as its foundation the attitude that women are marginal to the serious concerns of life. which are preempted by men. "-from the book

In this original investigation. Robin Lakoff uncovers those roots of our lanq,Jage that classify and delineate the sex~s. Why are paraliel words-one applying to masculine beings. the other to feminine-not also parallel in their range of use and connotation? Why have· ·bachelor I spinster' or·· master I mistress" come to mean such widely different things? Language and Woman's Place points out this parallelism as symptomatic of the nonparallelism in the roles of the sexes and as further reinforcement of a social disparity.

HARPER & ROW. PUBLISHERS

ROBIN LAKOFF

LANGUAGE AND WOMAN'S PLACE

60 ·ES 1 50 L 192

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LANGUAGE a11d Wo111ar\s Plc1Ce

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Contents

L\:\Gl".-\G[ Al'D W0\1.'\VS PLACE

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I. lntrodul·tll'll

2 ralkmg L1kt: a Lady lalktng ahout 4. Cf'ndu'l"ll

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Wom~n

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WHY W0\11'-..; .·\RE LAOIFS I. lntrodu.:t•nn

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2. Form' of Pohtl·nc:"

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Women and

4. Condu,1on

Bibliography

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Pohtt:nL~s

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Preface One can look at woman's position in our society from any number of points of Vlew a.JJ•d gain enlightenment from each. In thts book I have tried to sec what we can learn about the way (women view themselves L. and e~one's_!ssuml?tions about the n~ture and role of W..~.'l!enfr~~ the \&Se oi'li'J'!i!!~e in
justifiable in its own terms. Language as more amenable to precise reproduction on paper and unambiguous analysis than are other forms of human behavior; if we tell someone he has done something sexist, we often don't know how to describe exactly what he's done so that we can ar~ meaningfully about the truth of that assertion: the evidence vanishes before it can be studied. But if we say to some· one, "You said ... , which is insulting to women," provided he agrees that be has made the statement. it is available and open to close analysis. Often, as psychoanalysis has shown in such detail, we say things without knowing their significance, but the fact that we have said them shows that there is more going on in our minds than we consciously take credit for. By looking at the way we customarily talk if we B.R women, or talk about women whoever we are. we can gain insight into the way we fed-about ourselves. about womenthrough close aHla.lysiS of what we say and how we say it until in the end we can ask and perhaps even answer the question: Why did I say it? It is my hope, then, to look at some of these linguistic issues and see what they tell us. The ideas th:1t are discu$Sed in the book are the result or many

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Language and Wc•man 's Place

hours of mjod-stretchini and insiehtful di:.cuss.ioo_arui awroent with ...mam_.~pk. JDention of whose names here is scarcely a just reward for what each has contributed to my thinking. First of all, in both time and importance, George Lakoff has been my teacher, adviser, and friend, linguistically and otherwise, for trnany years; most of what I _ kn~w about language can be tra~ to _him. I have also teamed by having to argue him out of male-chauvinist ways and assumptions many times over the years; probably l would never have started thinking about the questions posed here bad he not forced me to defend myself in arguments about lingunstic sexism. Many of my colleagues and friends hatve also been helpful; let me single out a few for mention, though many others have been helpful as well, Charlotte Baker, Wallace Chafe, Herb and Eve Clark, Louise Cherry, Alan Dershowitz, Richard Diebold. James Fox, David Green. Georgia Green, John and Jenny Gumperz, Dell Hymes, Mary Ritchie Key, John and Sally Lawler, Susan Matisoff, James D. McCawley, Michelle Rosaldo, John R. Ross, Louis Sass, Julia Stanley, Emily Stoper, Elizabeth Traugott, !Monica Wilson, and Philip Zimbardo. I should aJso like to thank the Center for Advanced Study for the Behavioral Sciences, where I was a Fellow in 1971-72 and where I did _!ll__9S_t of the research and writing undlerlying the _first part of this book; and the National Science Foundation, which has supported the research for these studies under grant GS-38476

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PART I

Language an<:l Womaris Place 1 / Introduction Language uses us as much as we use language. As much as our choice of forms of exp,ression is guided by the thoughts we want to express, to the same extent the way we fed about the things in tbe real world governs the way we express ourselves about these things. Two words can be synonymous in t.heir denotative sense, but one will be usc:d in case a speaker feels favorably toward tbe object the word denotes, the other if he is unfavorably disposed. Similar situations are legion, involving unexpectedness, interest, and other emotional reactions on tbe part of the speaker to what be is talking about. Thus. while two speakers mat...t!C.!alking abou_t til~ ~~.!bin& qr rcal~QdQ situ_~tig!!._ ..11u:ir.dcscriptio.ns may end up soundin& utterlYJJ~. The following wcll-knowm paradigm wiiJ be iUustrative. (I) (a) I am strong-minded. (b) You are obstinate. (c) He is pigheaded.

If it is indeed true that our fee!ings_!!_~ut_!!l~- ~C!f(_c:l.£c;>_lor our ~pression of our t~oughts, then we can use our linguistic behavior

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4 I Language and Woman's Place as a diagnostic of our hidden feelings about things. For often-as anyone with even a nodding acquaintance with modern psycho. analytic writing knows too weU-we can interpret our overt actions, or our perceptions, in accordance with our desi~. distorting them as we sec fit. But the linguistic data are there, in black and white, or on tape, unambiguous and unavoidable. Hence, while in the ideal world other kinds of evidence for sociological phenomena would be desirable along with, or in addition to, linguistic evidence, sometimes at least the latter is all we CAn get with certainty. This is especially likely in emotionally charged areas like that of sexism and other forms of discriminatory behavior. This book, then, is an .atte~pt to pn:~vide g~g_n_~ti~ evid~~.frQQl lallguage u.se for O!le.m>e.of ir:!_equity that ~been claimed to exist in our society: that ~·em the roles of'¥" and women. 1 will attempt to discover ~hat language use can teU us about the nature and extent of any incqtGry;'jtd finally to ask whether anything can be done, from the linguistic end of the problem: does one correct a social inequity by changing linguistic disparities? We will · find. I think, that WQD!..~- e~~ce t~K\l~ti£.._c!i~~ina~on in t_V{o w.na: in the ~il.Y cbaa.n: li"&bt to-l~K.l~~ and in ~ _waJ : genera}laJ).guage use~~ them.. Both tend, as we s.halJ see, to !.de~~mcrt_ro_c;W&in..~c;nt ~at of sex obiect. Of. ~aut; and therefore cert:ain lexi<;:_al -=-~~-e thfntlPPi¢.JQ_ · mcu. a,oolhcr.10 _wQm~~1. ~Qiffere.!J~ that glDJ)QL~ p~j_ct!-4 except w]ti!_referen~ tot~_~ff~r~t roJ~ th~ ~xf::S_play in_ S()Ciet)'. The data on which I am basing my claims have been gathered mainly by introspection: I have ~~mined my_ O~f!..S~Q an~t~at _of m_y_a,s~aain~!l~, and have used my own irttu!ti~ns in analyzing it. l ba ve also made use of the_rn..e4!a: in some ways, the speech heard, for example. in -~m~erc_ials ~r s_it~tio!l W!llec!ies on~~~ion_ ntir· .!2fS ~be s~b of the television-watching community: if it did not (not nr:cessarily as an exact replica, but perhaps as a reflection of how the audience sees itself or wishes it were), it would not succeed. The sociologist. anthropologist or ethnomethodologist familar with what seem to him more error-proof data-gathering techniques. such as the recording of random conve~tion, may object that these introspective: methods may produce dubious results. But first, it should be noted

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Language and Woman's Place I 5

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that any procedure is at some point introspective: the gatherer must analyze his data, after aJI. Then, one necessarily selects a subgroup of the popuJation to work with: is the educated, white. middle-class group that the writer of the book identifies with less worthy of study than any other? And finally, there is the purely pragmatic issue: random conversation must go on for quite some time, and the recorder must be exceedingly lucky anyway, in order to produ~ evidence of any particular hypothesis, for example, that there is sexism in language, that there is not sexism in language. Jf we arc to have a good sample of data to analyze, this wiU have to be elicited artificially from someone; I submit I am as good an artificial source of data as anyone. These defenses are not meant to suggest that either the methodology or the results are final, or perfect. I mean to suggest one possible approach to the problem, one set of facts. I do feel that the majority of the claims I make will hold for the majority of speak.en of English; that, in fact, much may, mutatis mutandis. be universal. But granting that this study does in itself represent the speech of only a small subpart of the community. it is still of use in indicating directions for further research in this area: in providing a basis for comparison, a taking-off point for further studies, a means of discovering what is universal in the data and what is not, and why. That is to say. I present what foUows less as lhe final word on the subject of sexism in language -anything but thatl-tban as a goad to further research. If alittk.&ir.L:la.lb..rouah" li.k.t Lboy, she will nonnJdll-be ostot· ~._scot~. Qr made fun of. In this way society, in the form of a child's parents and friends, keeps her iD line_. in, her_gl~9e..- This socializing process is, in most of its aspects, harmless and often necessary, but in this particular instan~e teaching of special linguistic uses to little girls-it rai.ses seri9~ I>rPble_ms, though the teachers may weU be unaware of this. HJ.ht.littJe .Ji,fllta.rnS__b(:tJ~n weU, s~e is not r.~M
6 I Language and Woman's Place ..spe.ak._prWsely .or tQ eJ.pr~s_herself for~fupy.

I am sure that the preceding paragraph contains an oversimplified description of the language-learning process in American society. Rather than saying that little boys and little girls, from the very start, learn two different ways of speaking, I think, from observation and reports by others, that the process is more complicated. Since the mo!Mr .and o.thcr.lliom.en ar.e___thc._dominant inflnen,;es in theJives of most children under the age of Jive, probably !Jo~ boys andgirls_!!~t_ learn •·women's language" as their first langWlge. (I am told that in Japanese, children of both sexes use the particles proper for women until the age of five or so; then the little boy starts to be ridiculed if he uses them, and so soon learns to desist.) A$ they_zrow_j))~r. boys ~pecially go through a stage of rou&h Wk. as described by Spock and others; this is prohably~jnJinJ~_gid~ more_ st_rg!!&)y in little boys, in whom parents may often find it more amusing than shocking. By the time children are ten or so, and split upintosame~x ~r groJ~ps.... JhcJ~()JI!!l&.l!~~are al_r~__y_pr~t, according to my recollections and observations. But it seems that what has happened is that the bo_ys have unlearned their Qri_gina]]Qf!ll_ qf ~!P.!~
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Language and

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bilinguals, she ~m(ly neyer reaHy be mastcr_of either language. though her command of both is adequate enough for most purposes, she may never feel really_oomforta}.lk_us~ cilh.er. and never be \ certain that she is using the right one in the right place to the right / person. Shiftins from one language to another_~ujr~s~_aware: OWlY

ness to__tlt~ll~ces Q(~~L~ituations... !I~~ ~~~-to__EOSSib~e ~i9a__pp_ro~al. It may be that t~tra.alU&Y that must be (subcon· sciously or otherwise) e11pended in this game is eueraY sapped from. more creativ~ \Vork..t J!f!d hiJ'll!ers_ ~QI!Jen from e.llpressing themselves ~ ~e!l..1 ~ fully~ J>!. ~. fr~y -~- t_hey might Qtherwise, Thus. if a girl knows that a professor will be receptive to comments that sound scbolarly, objective, unemotionaL she will of course be tempted to use neutraJ language in class or in conference. But if she knows that, as a man, he will respond more approvingly to her at other levels if she uses women's language, and sounds frilly and feminine, won't she be confused as well as sorely tempted in two directions at once? It is often noticulJha.Lwomcn participate: .le:is.. .iJLclass. discussion than men~t~J..b!!.lffi&W~t,i~ j.gd_~\'.~es&-~.Qne ~!1 why. (Incidentally, I don't find this true in my cl.assc:s.) -~ _ It will be found that the ()ver:J.]J_~t of "women's Jan~ meaning both lanpa,.: restricted in use to women and. laopage_

descriptive ofwom~ aJg_ne-is this~~~ identity. by dcnyjna her the mamse;r;;n& ~~~-the one band, and mm__ura___gigg expressions that susgest triviality in subject matter and uncertainty about it; and, wben a woman is being discussed, by tft;ating ber as an object-sexual or otherwise--but never a serious perso~-~ ~dividual~ Of course, other forms /1 of behavior in this society hiYetDe same purpose; but the phenomena seem especially clear linguistically. The ultimate efl'ect of these discrepancies is that .women are sntmJ•tjNilly deniN]l"p;m '" mwe~W>D the grounds that they are not capable of holding it as demonstrated by their linguistic behavior along with other aspects of their behavior; and the irony here is that wmn~uu-~.m.~.tQ f~ t.hallb_e_y_deserve sugs tJ"e!l.tment,_~~of inadequacies iJub~r...own jntelli&.f:!!ce !l.!l~/gr_ eQUCiltion. But in fact it is pm::isely because women have learned their lessons so well that

8 I Language and Woman's Place they later suffer such discrimination. (This situation is of coun.c: true to some extent for all disadvantaged groups: white males of AngloSuon desc~t :.et the stiUldards and seem to expect olhcr groups to be respectful of them but not to adopt them-they are to "keep in their place.") I should lik.e now to talk at 1<..-ngth about SOJme specific examples of linguistic phenomena I have described in general term.'> above. I want to talk first about the ways in which wome~rt's speech differs from men's speech; and then. to di.t;(;uss a number of cases in which it seems clear that womrn arc discriminated against (usually unconsciously) by the language e-.oeryone uses. llhink it will bc~me evident from this discu.'i..~on that both types of phenomena reflect a deep bias on the part of our culture (and, indeed, of every culture I have ever beard of) against women being accorded full status as rational creatures and individuals in their own right; and 6nally, I would like to t.al.k bridly about what might be done, and perhaps what should not be done, to remedy things.

2 /Talking Like a Lady Q

''Wgrnen's l!W.&.l@&ci: ~howll. U.ILiR..rlJ~~els_Q.( !hs..lliiDll\M _of We find differences in the choice:: and frcquenc~of ..laical it~s; in the.situa~ i..n ~h.icb certai.JL!!Yilli!&tk rules arc ~donned; in inlorultiQJl.al~m1al~e.t"N. As an example of l~x.ical diff~ences, imagine a man and a woman both looking at the woe wali,I>ain.!ed a_pinki
(2) The: wall is mauve, with no one consequently forming any special! impression of her as a result of the words alone; but if the man sbc1uld say (2), one might

well oonclude hew~ imit.ati.ng a_ ~9m~ sarca.sti~Jyor was a ~omo ~!"'4ll or _!\.t:l, Y,tert.9r decOJ1\tOr. Women, then;l make far ~9r~_precise disc~r~J!!inations in nan:Ung colors than do men; words like beige, ecru,

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Language and Woman's Place I

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aquomanne, laW!nda. and so on are unremarkable in a woman's actiw vocabulary, but absent from that of most men. I have soc::n a man helpless wtth suppres.o;ed laughter at a discussion between two other people as to whether a book Jacket wa'> to be described as "la1/ender" or "mauve." Men find such_di:iolssion aJD.Il5.i~ because Jhey e9n.sider _sgchJl ~!l~tion trivial, irreJev~ntioJhe_real world_. We might ask why fine dis.criminatioo_Qf color_i~reJevan~ for women but.DOiJo.c llilen. A clue is contained in the !ll-».Y- many men jnQll[socic~w_oti~nY!'.orldly" topics, such as high culture and the Ch1,1rch, as_outside the world of men's work, relegated to women and men whose masculinity is not unquestionable Men tend to relegate to women things that are not of concem to them, or do not involve their eg~. Among these are problems of fine color discrimination. We might repbnase this point by saying thaisin~_WOIJicn are not ~.Jo. 1!1!\ke__d~IDQM. o~'- imwrWlt rnauers.. .!_u~h as what kind or job to hold. they Jt.re relegated the noncrucial dedsions a.'l a sop. Deciding whether to name a color "lavender" or "mauve" is one su'-·h sop. If it is agreed that this lexical disparity reflects a social inequity in the position of women, one may a.'lk how to remedy it. Obviously, no one could seriously recommend legislating again.c;t the use of the terms "mauve" and "lavender'' by women, or forcing men to learn to use them. All we can do is give women the opportunity to participate in the real decisions of life.

~~

Aside from specific lexical items like color names, we find differences between the speech of women and that of men _itl_the 11se of pulic!cs that ~Jrarnm:i.riaos_ Qfkn _(i~ribe. 1111 ~Dle;aningl~." There rnay be no referent for them, but they arc far from meaningless: they ~.th~=xt of an uttCQtn~ indiqt_c~th~ relationship the IQ)Cikcr feels be~ himsclfiJJd bis 1lddr~ betweell himself and

whM. hu _g.t_king ~b19ut.

As an experiment, one might pr~.:nt native speakers of standard American English with pairs of sentences, identical_syntac_tically and i.g~rm.,~ 9( Lcfer_~tatialJ~::11i.cal items~ and differing m_erely in the choice af."mcaoinglcs.o;" parlticle, and ask them which was spoken by a man, whi<:h a woman. Consider:

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(3) (a) Ob dear, you've put the peanut buttc:r in the refrigerator again. (b) Shit. you've put the J)C8.0Ut butter in the refrigerator again.

It is safe to predict that people would classify the first sc:nt.cncc: as

pan of ''women's language," the second as "men's language." It is true that .many K.lf:respectin.J women are becoming able to use sen~~_li_k_~(.3)@_pu_blic;ly_witho!l_tjlinching, but this is a rclativ~ly ~t d~vclop!Jt~l, and while perhaps the majority of Middle America might condone the use of (b) for men, they would still disapprove of its use by women. (It is of interest., by the wayfo note that__ men's ~gLJage

is i11crcasingl.y bci.n& Lli«!~ w.gmm.•J_,~_t

w<>m~'s

'-"!!!!-I!Sc:

is not bein& adopted by men. apart}om those who reject the American m.as.culine image [for example, hom06exual.s]. This is analogous to the fact that mm'i jobs__are being_ sought by women,_but f~ It1en rare rushin& to become housewives or secretaries. The language of_ the . ~-v-~up_._!h_e_goul>_!_hll_t holds t.tJe power, aJong with its nonlinguistic behavior, is generally adopted by the other group, not vice versa. In any event, it i.'l a trui&m to state that the "stronger" expletives are rrse:rval. for men, and the "weaker" ones for women.) Now we may ask what we mean by "stroD&~~.Jm~L~~~·· expletiv~" .(If these particles were indeed meaninglc:ss, none wouJd be stronger than any other.) The diJfereoce between using ··~it: (or ''damn," or one of many othen) as opposed to "ob dear," or "goodness," or ..oh fudge" lies i~b.ow f9!~fuiJy Qtl~ ~y~_h_o~.o~_f~ perhaps, one might say, choice of particle is a function ofbpw strooaly one a1)9ws ()!'~f to fed about someabins, so that the stren,~th of an emotion conveyed in a sentence corresponds to tbe strength of the

wrti&le,_ Hence in a really seno\LS_sitlUltiQn.. tlte

~_Qf "trivia\izi~"

(that is, "women's") particles constitutes • jQke, or at any rate, .. highly inappropriate. (In conformity with current linguistic practice, throughout this work an asterisk (•) wiU be used to marie a sentence that is inappropriate in some sense, either because it is syntacticaUy deviant or used in the wrong social context.) (4) (a) •Oh fudge. my hair is on fire. (b) •Dear me, did he kidnap the baby?

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childr~~_gmen ar~ en~u!:qed to_~ "littl~la~tes.··

l1ttle

ladies dim..l..KL~m-.~ YQ!(.if~rQu_sly as. little.. l:>o__ys, an. d they are _cbas-

tist:dJnOn: severely for throwing tanJr:ums 9r:...!il.Qwjn&Je_mpcr: "high spirits" arc expected and therefore toleratro in little boys; docility and

resignation are the corresponding trait'! expected of little g1rls. Now, li!_C: tend to CJt!=~ a.allow. Q[ te~ _by a_ qJ.AIJ whcr~_:wc_ ~o~J(j_ not excuse 3J! identicaj_tiraQ_e _from a ~_Q.rna.n: -.yq_q:~cn arc all_ow_ed ~9 (\ISS a.nd. complain.. .h\!U.~lY.1t_man qlJl ~llow in rage. It is sometimes ! claimed that there is a biological basis for this behavior difference, ! though I don't believe conclusive evidence exists that the early differ' enc.es in behavior that have been observed are not the resuJts of very different treatment of babies of the two sexes fmm the beginning; but surely the _UK...Qf di.tferenu~af1icles_ b}' men .and women is !I _lear:!!_ed trait. mercb: .mirrori.D.&. .nOJllin&uistk differences again, and again ~nting out an ineq!!.iJy_ that exist.l?_~t\\foen_1lte tr~tmeJ1l of men, and -~·!!expectations of them, and the treafJ!l~nt of womeolAllowing men stronger means of expression than are open to women further

/ £.Cinforce&..me..n.'.~.(19SiJioi!Jl[ str~.&t!t ~'!....ttl~~ wortf!A for surely we li:i1en with more attention the

mor~ .s\l":ong.ly Jllld

formully ~m..t;<m_!:

CXJ'~ opinions,

and a speaker unable--for whatever reason-to be forceful in stating his views is much less likely to be taken seriously. Ability to use strong particles like "shit" and "hell" is, of course, only incidental to the inequity that exists rather than its cause:. But once &pin, apparently acddent.allinguistic usage suggests tha(~vomen arc denied equality partially for linguistic reasons, and that an examina· tion of language points up precisely an a.rea in which inequity exists. Further, if someone is allowed to show emotions, and consequently does, other.~ may well be able to view him as a real individual in his own right, as they could not if he never wowed emotion. Here again, then, the behavior a woman learns as "correct" prevents her from ~ously as_an individuaJ. and further IS considered "cor-~ .. and necessary for a woman precisely because ~iety does not -~~her seriow;ly as.,AD individuaL Stnular sorts of disparities exist elsewhere in the vocabulary. There iA. for instance, a group 9f adjectil!.~- which have, besides their specific .llld Ji_t~ m.eaninp, another use, that of indicating the speaker's

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12 I Language and Woman's Place approbation or a<Jmirati9_!1_fQr so~!hing. Some of these adjectives are neutral as to sex of speaker: either men or women may use them. But _another set seems. _in_Lts_jjgurative ~. t9 ~- mr&t:IY C®!i!l~ .to WQ_m~..:_~ s~h- Representative lists of both types are below:

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neutral great terrific cool neat

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only

adorable ch.uming sweet lovely divine

As with the color words and swear words already disctwed, for a _IJ!Ill to stray into~be_·~~~~·s_:• _e:o_lum_n is apt to~_dam~___&__!o his reputation, though here a woman may freely use the neutral words. But it should not be inferred from this that a woman's use of the "women's" word.'! is without its risks. Where a woman has a choi~ between the neutnsJ words and the women's words, a.tl a man has not, she may be suggesting very different things about her own personality and~ view oftbe sub~t_matter b_y h_er___choioe of words of_!he~t set or words of the ~nd. (5) (a) What a terrific ideal (b) What a divine idea!

It seems to me lbat (a) might be used under any appropriate conditions by a fcmaJc speaker. But (b) i.s more restricted. P~~bly iUs ~ appropria~y (even by the sort of speaker for whom it was nonnal) only in case .the _~~~-c:r Jeels _tit~ jdc:a referred t9 to ~ or unimportant to the world at large-:: ool_y_IUI _!Ullu&ement [or tl!e speaker herself. Consider, tben, a wo~ advertising executive at an advertising conference. However feminine an advertising executive she is, she is mucb more likely to express her approval with (~) (a) than with (b). which might ~usc raised eyebrows, and the reaction: "That's what we get for puning a woman in cbargc of this company." On the other hand. suppose a friend suggests to the same woman that she should dye ber French poodJes to match ber cigarette tighter. ~nti~l)! .fri:vqto~,_trivial,

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Ja this esse, the suggestion really concerns only her, and the impresllon she will make on people. In this case, she nu.y use (b). from the M•oman 's language." So the choice is not really free: words restricted ~J)ID~'s l.angwlgc;.'' S'Ug~t that c:oncep~ _!I) whi~tl ~~e_y ¥e_ ap~ ~not relevant to the real world oj{rn_a)e) inOuencc_a~~~wer. One may ask whether there really a.re no analogou,; terms that au available to men-terms that denote approval of the trivial, the per101181; that express approbation in terms of one's own personal emotional reaction, rather tha.n by gauging the likely general reaction. There does in fact seem to be one such word: it is the hippie invention "sroovy," which seems to have most of the connotlltions 1hat separat~ "lovely" and "divine" from "great" and "terrific" ex~-ptmg only that it docs not ma.rk the speaker as fenunine or effeminate.

(6) (a) What a terrific steel mill! (b) •What a lovely steel milll (male speaking) (c) What a groovy steel mill! I think it is significant that this word was introduced by the hippies, and, when used seriously rather than sarcastically, used principaUy by people who have accepted the hipp1es' values. Principal among these is the dmial of the Protestant work ethic: to a hippie, something can be worth thinking about even if it isn't influential in the power structure, or moneymaking. Hippie<~ a.re separated from the activities of the real world just llS women ar~ugh in the former case it is due to a decision on their parts, while tim is not uncontroversially true in the case of women. For both these groups, it is possible to express approval of thiogs in a personal way-though one does so at the risk of losing one'a credibility with members of the power structure. It is also true, acoording to some speakers.. that upper-class British men may use the words listed in the "women's" column, as well as the specific color words and othel"!i we have categori.z.ed as specifically feminine, without raising doubts as to their masculinity among other apeaken of the same dialect. (This is not true for lower-clas.'i Britons, however.) The reason may be that commitment to the work ethic need ~ n~ly be displayed: one may be or appear to he a gentleman · . olleisurc, interested in varioU!I pursuits, but not involved in mundane

... U I Language and Woman's Place

.I ·I:

~I

:I\ ,'1

I I

(business or political) affairs, in such a culture, without incurring disgrace. {This is rather analogous to the position of a woman in American middle-class society~ so we should not be surprised if these speciallellical items are usable by both groups. This fact pomts mdcxd to a more general conclusion. These we;>~ a.re!l't,J,asically, ':feminiw!"~ f1llhcr. lhcy siinlll "uninvolved," Ctr "out of power.'' Any group in a society to which these labels are applicable may bly use these words; they are often considcr~d "feminine,·· ··unmascu· line.'' ba:au~ wqmen are the "uninvolved," "QI-!t Qf_pow~" group .fJ!J.' excellence. j Another group that ha.'l, ostensibly at least, taken itself out of the search for power and money is that of academic men. They are frequently viewed by other groups as analogous in some ways to women-they don't really work, they are supported in their frivolous pursuits by others, what they do doesn't reallly count in the real world, and so on. The suburban home finds its countterpan in the ivory tower: one is supposedly shielded from harsh realities in both. Therefore it is not too surprising that many academic mten (especi.ally those who L'1llulate British nonns) may violate many of these sacrosanct rules I have just laid down: they often use "women's language." Among themselves, this does not occasion ridicule. But to a truck driver, a professor saying, "What a lovely hat!" is wtdoubtc:dJy laughable, all the more '10 as it reinforces his stereotype of professor.; as dfetc snobs. When we leave the lexicon and venture into~tax._we find that syntacticJllly too women's spoocb_i~_pec'!l!ar. To my knowledge, there is no syntactic rule in English that only women may use. But there i.s .11..l.eM~. DO( r:t!l~. th.at a ~oman W.Lusc~ !n more ronver.l.ational Si!.!!~ti_~n_s_t~ a man. (This fact indicates, of ooune, that the applicability of syntactic rules is governed partly by soci.a.l context-the positions in society of the spealcer and addressee, with respect to each other, and the impression one seeks to make on the other.) This as the rule of~:-<JU~!iQI! fo~a.tion.'

pr~a

®

I. Within th~ lexicon iiAelf, ther~ ~to be a poraHel phenomenon to ~&&-question usag~. which I rcmun from diiCUUina in the body or the ta.l because the f11Cl5 an-

oontrovenoial and I do nol understand llac:m fully. The intensive .to, woed wbct-e purist• ,.,ould insist upon an abltllut~ superlative, heavily stressed. sccma more characteristic oi womm'a la.o!JIIllle than of mm's, though it is found in tbe latter, part.icularly in the

,.

.... Langu.r~ge

and Woman's Place I

15

A tag, in its usage as well as ito; syntactic shape (in English) is

midwa.f between ao ou tridJt statement ang_I!_Yes-nQ_gu_e.tion: jJ -~~ l~ ewrtive than the fOri!!_er, but ~Q!!_ ~_!lfiden!_t~ !he ~t_t_er. Therefore it is usable under c:ertain contextual situation&: not those in which a statement would be .appropriate, nor those in which a yes-no question is generally used, but in situations intermediate between these. One makes a statement when one has confidence in his blowlc:dgc and is pretty certain that his statement will be believed; one asks a question when one lacks knowledge on wme pomt and ha'i reason to believe that this gap can and will be remedied by an answer by the addres.o;ee. A tag quesnion, being intermediate between theoe, is ~

.l!bcn tbe.s~~J is sllating.a cla.Uo. but Jacks fuJI con6dcoce in.lhc .truth of that claim. So if I say (7) Is John here? I will probably not be surprised if my respondent answers "no"; but if I say (8) John is here, is:n't he?

instead, chances are I :am alrea.!!yjl~'i.Cd inJavQ!:.9f-.3.vositive ans~ ~a,s~#ng. only _c()nfif'Q.lJ~t,iQQ by_ t I)~ !JI;id r-essee. I still want .a .n:sponx fmm hiJil. as I do witltutY~-JJQ.QI.l(Stion; but U\,~cnough ~owi Qjge...(octhink.. L.haYcltlWlicdicLtbat response, much as with a speech o( liWe academics. Conlidcr, for instance, t1lc followins !ICIItenco · (a) l r.ed 110 ~. (b) Tbat movie aude moe

so Uckl

Mea .an to bavc lhc lc:a:lt difl\culty IWDI this c::omlructiotl whm the ~a~laxle n UIICIIIOlional, or DOIISUbjcctivc-witbout rd'n-ma to tbc Sf!CUcr himseU: (c) Tb.t IUIIICl ia !10 beautiful! (d) Fred ia !10 dumbl

Substitutins u eqlllllivc like sv ror absolute supa-lttiva (like ..,.,.,., rrr~lly. urr~rM to he a way of backi111 out or committmg oneK!f atronsJy to an opinioo. rather like bl& questions (cf. di.'ICwiSioo below, in the text). One ml,gbt hed1c in this way with perfect right irJ making aes1!hetic judgmenta, as in (c), or intellectual judgments, u in (d). But it is somewhat odd to hedge in describing one·s own mnual or emo!ional state: who, after all, ia qualified to contradict one 011this? To hedge in thi~ llituetion ia to ~~eelr. 10 evoid Dlllking eny stTona: sbltemcnt; a cban.ct.eristic. u we have noted elready ud &hell note funher, ot' woau~·~ speech.

llellm&

•

j

16 I Language and Woman's Place declarative statement. A_ tag question. then, might be thought of as a ck!.:larative ~ta~J!!eflJ wjt_b.out the ~umption that the statement is to be ~lie_vefl_lly_ the ~ddressee: Qlle has a.n out, as with a question. A tag ~~«Way,. not forcing _him. to go along with the

views_ of~be speaker. There are situations in which a tag is legitimate, in tact the only legitimate .sentence form. So, for example, if I have seen something only indistinctly, and have reason to believe my addressee had a better view, I can say: (9) I had my glasses elf. He was out at third, wasn't he?

..SQ.me.times we fi!td a ta&JU!t!S.t!Q!I~~ in~ in w_:hi.fl.!.the speaker kno.wsas well as theJtddressee what the answer must be, andd~n't nee't confirmation. One such situation is when the speaker is making '.'smalLtalk." tfYin& to eliciLcon~on from the addressee: ( 10) Sure is hot here, isn't it? In discussing personal feelings or opinions, only the speaker normally bas any way of knowing the correct answer. Strictly speaking, questioning one's own opinions is futile. Sentences like (II) are usuaUy ridiculous. ( 11) • I have a headache, don't I'? But similar cases do, apparently, exist, in which it is the_ speaker's QQ!.Qi..Q.IJS~ t:ath~r than~r~ptions, fQr w_hich corroboration is sought, as in (12): (12) The way prices are rising is horrendous, isn't it?

'v /\

While there are of course other possible interpretations of a sentence like this, one possibi)it_y_ is ~a_t Ht~ J;~_~et has_~_ILarti~~ answer !!1 !Dine!_ ~~_:_ gr ~·n_Q'~ ~.!!L~ .!~J!IctaJlt to -~tate jt___Ql!Jc!ly. It is my impression, though I do not have precise statistical evidence, that this sort of tA&..!UleWOn is~uch more ~t_Q_ ~. u~_ b}'~om~ than by men. If this is indeed true, why is it true? \\ These senten.ce types.Qrovide .!!_m~ whereby a speaker £_an a~id_ \\ commiuin&Jlimself, and thereby avoid coming into conftict with the

Language and Woman's Place I

17

I .ddrcssr&- The problem is that, by so doing, a speaker may also give thejmpression of not being really ~ure of himself, of looking to the addressee for confirmation, even of having no views ~f,his own. This last criticism is, of course, one often leveled at women. One wonders bow much of it reflects a use of language that has been imposed on women from their earliest years. _&elated to this special use of a syntactic rule is a ~idesprea~Lf:!i[~r ence_~rce_pJible _in wo()l_~ ·.~!!!!9!tation'!l1?~H~rns. 2 There is a peculiar sentence intonation pattern, found in English as far as I know~ among women,. which has the__fonn_q_f_a___!.leclarative _3,!1S_\\'e! _to_a .QileS.ion. and is used .as such. b:ut.has t.he risinlJJlfle(:tion typical of ...a.)'es-no question, as weU as ~ing espec!_aUy hesitant. The effect is as though one were seeking confirmation, though at the same time the speaker may be the only one who has the requisite information.

(l3) (a) When will dinner be ready? (b) Oh ... around six o'clock ... 1 It is as though (b) were saying, "Six o'clock, if tli'a:t's OK with you,

if you agree." (a) is put in the position of having to provide confirmation, and {b) sounds unsure. Here we lind_unwillinJIDess to assert an JWini9!1 ~rried to an extreme. One likely consequence is that these sorts of speech patterns are taken to. reflect_ som~th_ln_g__!ea!about characJer and play a Part _in !lot taking a woman seriously ortrusting hqJiith any reaJrespor1Sibilities, sinc~_"she can't make up her m_in':f" and "isn't sure of herself." And here again we see that people fonn judgments about other people on the basis of superficial linguistic beha~or that may have nothing to do with inner character, but has \ been lDlposed upon the speaker, on pain of worse punishment than not ' being taken seriously. Such features arc probably W!! of the ge11eral fact thauvomcn's 2. For analogues outside or English to these llS('S of tag questions and spccaal intonation pattern:;;., ct. my diSCUS-1ion of Ja.pane.o~e panides in "Language in Conlell.t," Lan· B11<Jge, 48 (1972), 907-27. It i~ to be expected that similar cases will be found m many ~ languages as welt See, for example, M. R. Haas's very interesting discussion of dift'erences between men's 11.nd women's speech (mastly involving lexical dissimilarities) m D\any languases. in D. Hymes, ed., Language in Culture and Society (New York:

lfarpec & Row,

1964).

18 I Language and Woman's Place ~b ~_unds mu~h

more "~t(' than men's. One aspect of polite-

ness is as we have jw;t describedfl~xi.!:.lg_a d~i~OJl open1 DQ!_~m~ns yo~.rnift.~L-or xiews. or claim.'i on anyone else. Thus a tl!!J q~~tion is a kind of polite statement, in that it does not force agreement or belief on the addressee. A request may be in the same sense a polite command, in that it does not overtly require obedience, but rather suggests something be done as favor to the speaker. overt order (as in an imperative) expresses the (often impolite) assumption of the speaker's superior position to the addressee, carrying with it the nght to enforce compliance, whereas with a request the decision on the faoe of it is left up to the addressee. (The same is true of suggestions: here, the implication i.8 not that the addressee is. in danger if be does not comply-merely that he will be glad if be does. Onoe again, the lkcision is up to the addressee, and a suggestion therefore is politer than an order.) The more particles in a senten~ that rcinfor~ the notion that it is a request, n.ther than an order, the politer the result. The sentences of (14) illustrate these points: (14) (a) is a direct order, (b) and (c) simple requests. and (d) and (e) compound requests.'

a

JAn

(14) (a) Close the door. (b) Please dose the door. (c) Will you ch"~Ne the door? (d) Will you please close the door? (e) Won't you close the door?

Let me first explain why (t!) has been classified as a compound request. (A sentence like Won't you plea.ve close the door would then count as a doubly compound request.) A sentence like (14) (c) is close in Aense to "Are you willing to close the door?" According to the normal rules of polite conversation, to agree that you are willing is to agree to do the thing asked of you. Hence this apparent inquiry functions as a request, leaving the decillion up to the willingness of the addressee. Phruing it as a positive question makes the (implicit) assumption that a ..yefo" answer wilJ be forthcoming. Sentence (14) (d) is more polite than (b) or (c) because it combines them: plrose 3. For more detailed diliCussion oi these problcmt;, see Lakotr, "Lanpae in Coo~l"

lAnguage and Woman's Piau I

19

indicating that to accede will be to do something for the !ipeaker, and will you. as nolcd, suggesting that the addressee has the final decision. lf. now, the question i~ phrased with a negative, as in (14) (e). the speaker seems to suggest the stronger likelihood of a negative response from tbe addressee. Since the assumption is then chat the addrcssc:e is that much freer to refuse, (14) (e) acts as a more polite request than (14) (c) or (d): (c) lllld (d) put the burden of refusal on the addressee, as (e) d~ noc. Given these facts, one can see the c_o~ectiQn betw~n tag questions @!ld tag orQers and oth~r teq_~csts. In all these: cases, the ~cr is n_ot ~r:nmit!e
3/ Talking about Women We have thus far confined ourselves to one facet of the problem of .-omen and the English language: the way in which women prejudice I he case apinst themselves by their use of language. But it i!l at least true that otbc~as well as ~om~ tb~_setves-make manen;_!iQ _!,ill~ way ID'!.hici!J.b_ey__ ref.~r to '!!qJ!l~· Often a word t.b~tl'lllj'_})e U¥d of bQtb mert and women (and ~haps of thit1~ as well),_when ~ to womcn,_~urnC:S a spcciaJ _II!_eanin! that, by implication rather than outri&bt assertion, is derogatory to women as A group. When a word acquires a bad connotation by association with something unpleasant or embarrassing. ~_pic may search for substitutes ~t c,io not have the uncomfor!ablcdfect-tbat is, eu])!temisms. Since -·· -- ---- .

a.,

--

··•

10 I Language and Woman's Place attitudes toward tht' original refeTent are not altered by a change of name, the Qtw rnupe_i_ts.tlLtakcl on the adverse connotati~~and a ~ew ~ll.Lilliim mu$1 be found, It is no doubt possible to pick out areas of particular psychological strain or discomfort--areas where problems exist in a culture-by pinpointing items around which a great many euphenusms are clustered. An obviotJS eXJliDple concerns the various word.\ for that ho~ol~1_~n,.~nj~e_into which h_uman w~~ are elimutAtcd: toilet, bathroom, rest room, comfort station, Lavatory, water closet. loo, and all the others. In the~ of WQJttcn, it may be encouraging to lind nn richDI'SS of ~llh~jsm; hut it is dj~uraJina to note that_atjcast one euphemism for :_~Q.IPilll" -~~ exi_o;t and is very much alive. The word, of course. is '"lady," which sccm.s to be replacing "woman" in a great many contexts. Wbere .botb ~~~ tbey:J:4tve d.ii(~f!~ _<:OOOQta~io~. \lib~e _JlDb' one exists. -Lbcrr. ~ usuaJb .a rcason._tQ_heJiound_uu~c.ontellt in which the word is utte'"~·-Related to the extstcnce of euphemistic terms for "woman" is the existence of euphemistic_ ~erms ~~ wo_~·s principal role. that of ·:bou~_\Vife." Most occupational terms do not lhave coexisting euphemisms: these 5«Jn.lO com~.i»1o .~inK only ~·hen the occupation ~3~1sidered emba..rrassi_ng or .demeaning. Thus there is no euphemism for "professor," "doctor," "banl: president"; but we do find "mortician" IUld "funeral director" for "undertaker"; "custodian" and "sanitary engineer" for "janitor"; "dome;tic" for "cleaning woman"; and !10 forth. Similarly one keeps running into hopeful suggestions, principally in the pages of women's magazines, that the lot of the housewife would be immeasurably improved if she thought of herself as "hom~~er.:__·~t}o~_h_q_lci.e~~tive.:" .. housch~ld_ C!l_gin~~· or any of several others. I am not sure whalt to make of the fact that none of these (unlike those: of the bona fide oorupational euphemisms) have taken hold: is it beotuse the "housewilfe" doesn't consider her status dcmcarung? Then why the search for eUiphemisms? Or does she feel that there is no c:scape through a change iin nomenclature, or lack pride in her job to such an exknt that sbc: doesn't fed up to making the eft'ort? This i!l a question for the sociologist. It may be objected that lady bas a masculine counterpart, nameJy

1

I

~ .~

..

Language and Woman :f Place I :Z 1

,::, , f!trttltman. ocr.asionally sl!Jortened to gent. But I don't think th1s is \ a fair oomp&rison. ldlfiy_jcS_lllll~ll....m.Qr:e OOm.IlJQil than ge_nrjlem_an). ; and. smce gent exists, the reason is not ease of pronunciation. Lady l is really a euphemism for woman, but gentleman is not nearly frequent enough to classify as a euphemism for mon. Just a.c; we do ng_t call w__h.itc::s "Cal,lC3Si.an-AuneriC3llS," ther~ is no fc:lt need to refer__ to Jll(ll_~only as ''gentkmen ... And just as ther~ is a need for such cams as "Afro-Americans," there is stmilarly a felt need for "lady." One m1ght even say that ~~.h~ a derop~pry eptthet ~ts, a ~lei a1phemir.m .is~ _n~~- (The term WASP, white AngloSaxon Protestant. may oc:cur to the reader as a possible derogatory term which has no parallel euphemism. But in fact, WASP is not parallel in usage to nigger, po/ack. or yid. One can refer to himself a& • WASP, as one cannot refer to himself as a nigger without either a IOta.l lack of self-pride or bitter sarcasm. Thus one can say: "Sure I'm a WASP, and proud of itl" but probably not: "Sure I'm a nigger. and proud of it!" without special sarcastic inftection in the voice sugge!lting that it is an i1111itation of tbe addressee.) To avoid having to resort to terms like "AJro-American," we need only get rid of all expressions like "nigger"; ~h_"t~·· jnjt~ eu.I!!J~stic sense from the vocabulary of E~~h, :!'e !!eed_only_ first g_~t rid of "broad" aud its rdati~. But of course, as &!ready pointed out, we <:.anno~ acbieve_t_bis ~!ll!OJ:[email protected]_implifi~ti_on .of the le~C9" _unl~ we IQIDChow..mnm:~Lf"Q.Qlmli!..IJ!iD~ th~idea f.1lat_blad.s a" niggen, and ~t_ women a~ broads. The presc:oce of the words is a signal that 501Detbing is wrong, rather than (as too often interpreted by wellmeaning refonners) the problem it5elf. The point here is that, unless 'Ne 81.4lt_ f~~oreJcspect for wo!Den an~ at the~~ time, less uncomfortable about tlu:m and their .roJcs. in.~ in relation to ~ W~cannot_a.vmd urgies II!IY_ ~ore than we can avoid broods.. ln the past, some ethni•c groups that today are reiatlvely respec1able •ere apparently considered less so. And in look.ing at reports of the tenns used to describe those groups at the earlier time, we find two mterestiog facts: first, tht:re is a much greater incidence of derogatory epithets for that group (as might be expected); and second (which one Gli&ht not be led to expect automatically) there exiS1 euphemistic

.

I

..

22 I

Language and Woman's Place

terms for that group that ace no longer in general use. One can only that ~_!.!Phcmisms vanish as they are no longer need~. The example I have in mind is that of the words used to describe Jews. Aside from the uncomplimentary ep1thets which still exist today, though not encountered very often. one find&. in reading novels written and set more than half a century ago, a number of eupherni.'\ms that are not found any more, such as "Hebrew gentleman" and "hraelitc." The disappc:1ran~ of the euphemisms concurrently with the derogatory tenns suggests that women will be ladies until some more dignified status can be found for them. It might also be claimed that lady is no euphemism because it has exactly the same connotations a.'\ woman, is usable under the same semantic and contextual conditions. But a cursory inspection will show that this iuwt always the case. The decision to use one term rather t.han the other ma_y_cp,~iderably alter_the ~-Qf a. sen~n~. The following are examples: c~nclude

'

i

,,

'II I II

( 15) (a) A (woman) that I know makes amuing things out of (lady) shoelaces and old boxes. (b) A (woman) I know works at Woolworth's. (lady) (c) A (woman) I know is a dean at Berkeley. (lady)

(These facts are true for some speakers of Englillh. For other.-;, lady has taken over the function of woman to such an extent that ltJdy can be used in all these sentences.) In my speech, the usc of lady in (15) (c) imparts a frivolous or nonserious tone to the sentence: the matter under discussion is one of not too great moment. In this dialect, then, lady seems to be the more colloquial word: it is less apt to be used in writing, or in discussing serious matters. Similarly in ( 15) (a). using lady would suggest that the speaker considered the "amazing things" not to be serious art, but mcr('Jy a hobby or an aberration. If woman is used, she might be a serious (pop art) sculptor. Related to thi~ is tbe "u~ of latjy in job termiJ1ojogy. For at least

lAnguage and Woman's Place I 2J -~.-:1lJIDe speakers, the more demeaning the job, the more the person

;{J»ldi!la..it (if femal!!, oCC9l!J"Sel is likdy to be described -.~a -.:nus, ~ngjad~ is atleast_as COIDIJ!On as clea_nin&_woman,

lady. sales-

"( W1 as saleswoman. But one

says, nQnn~y.__WQ~-" c!~tor. To say For ,J men. there is no such dichotomy. Garbageman or sak.t~n is the only · ~ity. never •garbage gentleman. And of COUf'&e, since in the · .profd!ioos the male is unmarked, we never have •man (male) doctor. -:.Numerous other examples can be given, all tending to prove the

/....-Jy doctor is to be very condesoendin~: it constitut~ an insult.

same point: thatjf._mJ•~j'"-u~. sentence, both _woman an_d__ll!_dy ~...L~ USC!l,_ th~ use_ o_f !l!e_ ~tt~ tends to trivialiu: the subject

maner under discussion, often subtly ridiculing the woman involved. Thus, for example, a mention in the San Francisco Chronicle of . January 31, 1972, of Madalyn Murray O'Hair as the ''lady atheist" reduces her position to that of scatterbrained eccentric, or at any rate, one who need not be taken seriotL'\Iy. Even woman atlttisl is !IC8.rcely defensible: first, because her sex is irrdevant to her philosophical position, and second, because her name makes it clear in any event. But lady maker~ matters still worse. Similarly a reference to a woman $/CIIlptor is only mildly annoying (since there is no term -male !Ctllptor, the discrepancy suggests that such activity is normal for a man, but not for a woman). but still it couJd be used with refe-rence to a terious aartist. ~lptCJr, on the other hand, stri_kes me as a slur qaip$1 the ~deliberate or not, implying tbat the woman's art is fii~IQID~)\ing she does to fend oft' the boredom of suburban ~ or at JUlY rate, nothing of moment in the art world.Serious anists have shows, not diletrarua So we hear of one-woman Mawr. but Dever on~lady shows. Another realm of usqe in which lady contrasts with woman i.5 in tjllp ol'ornnjz@t!~: It seems that c;upniz.ations of WOf!lerl w~~ have liCrious ~.Jilot merely that of !>pending time with one another) cannot u:v:.the word /adv_.in......thru titlg, but IC8S sqious _o~ ~a1. · Compau tbe LAdi~' Auxiliary of a men's group, or the Thursday ,._,.irzg lAdiu Browning and Garden Society with •Ladies' Lib or Strike for Peace. is curious about thi<; split is that lody is, llli noted, in origin

24 I Language and Woman's Place a euphemism for woman. What ki11d of euphemism is it that subUy denigrates the people to whom it rcfe~. suggests that they are not to be taken seriously, arl! laughing stocks? A euphemism, after all, is supposed to put a better face on something pcoplte find uncomfortable. But this is not really contradictory. What a ~l!Ph-~ism_is S~.WI)O$Cd to do, actually, is to remove from thought _that part of the connotations of a word that creates the discomfort. So each of the euphemisms for toilet, starting with toilet, St.-ems to be trying to get further from the notion of excrement, by employing successively more elegant lenninolog_v that ~s d~igned lo suggest that the piece of funuture m qu~twn has really other primary uses, for performing one's toilette, for washing, for comfort, for resting, but never for those other things. Perhaps the notion of the nonseriousness of women is not the thing that makes men-the devisers of euphemism-as well as women, uncomfortable. Perhaps it is some oth•::r as~t of the manwoman relationship. How can we dl"termine whc:ther this is in fact the case? One way of identifying the precise soum: of discomfort is., perhaps, by looking at the derogatory terms for somc:thlJug. MBI1y of the tenns for blach refer to their physical characteristics_ And the huest eupMmism for blacks, Afro-Ameriams, seems to be a specific attempt to get away from color names. (The term black is not a euphemism, but rather an attempt to confTont the iss~ squarely and make color into a source of pride.) And as ha.~ often been noted, derogatory terms for_wamcn_arc._Yecy ...Dftcn _overtly selCual: the reader will have no difficulty reca.lling what I allude to here. The distinction between lady and M'Oman. in those dialects of American English in which it is found, may lt,e traceable to other causo than the sexual connotations present m woman. Most pe-ople who are ask.c:d why they have chosen to use lady where woman would be as appropriate will reply that lady seemed more polite. The concept of politeness thus invoked i.o; the polireness used in ~i_gnifying or ennobling_ a concept that normally is not th()uglnt of as having dignity or nobility. It is this notion of politencs.'i that e:Aplains why we have cleaning lady, but not, normally, lady doccor. A doctor does not need to be exalted by conventional expressions: she: bas dignity enough

,

Language and Woman ~f

Plac~

I 25

ber profo;stonal status. But a ch:aning woman is in a very ~t si~tion, in wt:Jj~}l het:. c:x;cu~tion11.l Cll.legory requires_ enno• Then perhaps we can say that the very notion_ of WOJ;Ilanh_ood, to ll!_a!lh~! _requires ennobling since i_t ~~~ inl_lerent woman requires the existen~ of lfiiDbani.sm .li~e lt~dy. Besides or possibly because of being explicitly of sexual connot.ation,_/ady ~~with. it QYCJ10DCS recalling -.J~~~:..w.J:hivalry_: the ewted stature of the person so referred to, ~jstenoe above the common sphere. This makes the term seem at first, bul we must also remember that these implication~ are jjtllous: they suggest that a "lady" il' bclpl~-..II.Jl~-~~1 d~_t!t!~p k;niclf. In this respect the usc of ll word like lad_v is parallel to . . act of o~.i_ng door:s for women-or ladies. At first blush it is llaering: the object of the Hattery feels honored, chenshed, IU!d so ~ but by the same token, she is also considered helpless and not ill control of her own destiny. ~omen who _pro~t _that they like ~J-tbcsc little courtesies, and object to being liberated from lllem. abou.ld reftect a bit_on their deeper meaning and see how much l!g___~ dwt 11lis brings us to the consideration of another common substilute ._ WMIDII, namely girL One sddom hears a man past the age of "'o'aoenoe referred to as a boy, save in expn:ssions like "going out nil tbe boys." wh.ich are meant to suggest an air of adolescent lli•
__

--~2-f _its own: hence the word

'*

16 I

Language and Woman's Place

place in their minds: a woman is a person who is both too immature an~_toofar from real life to be entrusted with responsibilities and with decisions of any serious nature. Would you elect president a person incapable of putting on her own coat'! (Of course, if we were to have a married woman president, we would not have any name for her husband paralld to Fint Lady. and why do you suppose that is?) Perhaps the way in which lady functions as a euphemism for woman is that it docs not contain the sexual implications present in woman: it is not "embarrassing" in that way. If this is so, we may expect thAt, in the fulure, lady wiJI replace woman as the primary word for the human female, since woman will have become too blatantly sexual. That this distinction is already made in some contexts at least is shown in the following eumples:

(16) (a) She's only twelve, but she's already a woman. •lady (b) After ten years in jail, Harry wanted to find a woman. •tady (c) She's my woman, see, so don't mess around with her.

•lady

h may be. finally, that the reason the use of lady rather than woman in a sentence creates the impression of fri\l_~?lity discuss¢ a~ve precisely becau!OC: of the euphemistic nature of lady. In serious discussion, one does not typically employ euphemisms. So, for instance, a sentence like ( 17) (a) is more suited to cocktail party chitchat by returning tourisl1. than to latrned discus..~on by anthropologists, who would be more likely to usc a tochnicaltcnn, as in (17)(b): (17) (a) When room, (b) When find a

the natives of Mbanga want to use the little boys' first they find a large pineapple leaf.... the natives of Mbanga wish to defecate, first they large pineapple Je.af. . . .

Perhaps the discomfort men sutTer in contemplating, more or IC!IS unconsciously, the sell.uality of women is traceable to guilt feelings on their part. The guilt ari~. I should think. not only because they think sex i.e; inherently dirty (that is another problem) but because if one

I Language and Woman's Place I 17 deals with women as primarily sellual beings, one is in effect automatically relegating them to object statu.o;;; 1f women are there for the use and enjoyment of men, they are not fully human beings in their own right. But women are in most other respects evidently human. So a man feels somewhat ambivalent-more or I~ consciou)ly-and reacts all the more strongly for that reason. Hence, perhaps, the rather hysterical ridicule heaped on Women's Lib in the media. In any case, throughout English one finds evidence of many sons that women are viewed (by women as well as men) as secondary beings: a-. having an existence only when defined by a man. These tacts about women's position should cause us to qut.-stion one of the commonest criticisms made of women's behavior, as opposed to men's: one often hears that women ~e vain and se_lf:~!l.!e~~· . ~~_:l~T!!ehe can increase her own comfon, pleasure, and security IS through her husband's advancement, and thus she can achieve material comforts only through someone else's efforts. What seem to he self-centered effons arc really aimed at the opinions of others. and what appear to be effons for someone else are really the only ones permissible for a woman's own behalf. It is no wonder women lack an identity and feel they have no place of their own.) In fact, men are the vain sex. Men may derive pleasure directly from their own works. Men do things purely for their own satisfaction, nol caring nearly so much how it will look to others. This. Rurely,

fact:

28 I Language and Woman's Place

1

is the true egocentricity. Further, it seems to me that the uJtimate vanity or ~lf-i;entcredness is to be found in eccentricity. The eccentric alone truly cares only for himself and his own plca5ure: he docs not concan himself with how his actions affect others or look to othen. And ec«ntricity is far more;_ wxumoo ,anq _fur more tglera!~in ~~ ~than in women. A strong personality in general, a mark of eg~tric ' it,y. is a&ain valued in men much more than in women. For these reasons. wom~ are noc very successful in business or politics, where both vanity and eccentricity of certain sorts can be marks of distinction rather than objt."Cts of ridicule. Sociologically it is probably fairly obvious that a ~oman in most SJ!i:!£uHur~ jp_our society achie\•cs status only through h~ father's. husband's, or lover's position. What is remarkable is that these facts shqw .. up. Lin~isti~Uy _in. n_WQbviou.<~ ways. Suppose we take a pair of word~ which, in terms of the possible relationships in an earlier society, were simple male-female equivalents.. analogous to bull: cow. Suppose 9Jc fmd that. for independent reason.'- society ha& changed in such a way that the primary meanin~ now are irrelevant. Yet tbe words have not been di.5carded, but have acquired new meanings, metaphorically related to their original senses. But suppose these new metaphorical uses arc no longer parallel to eacb other. By sa:ing where the parallelism bre:a.ks down, we can intuit something about the di1ferent roles played by men and women in this culture. One good ex&mple of such a divergence through time is found in the pair mlJ$J!.' llll~_mistre.u. Once used with reference to one pc:non's power over another, these words became unusable in their original sense as the master-servant relationship became: oonelr.istcnt. But the. word-; are still COIJUDOn a.s used in sentences (18) and (19): ( 18) (a) He is a muter of the intricacies of academic politics. (b) •sbe is a mistress ... (19) (a) •Harry declined to be my master, and so returned to hi&

wife. (b) Rhonda declined to be my mistress. and so returned to her

husband.

Language and Woman's Place I

29

Unless used with reference to animals or slaves,_ m~~~' now ge~er:

ally refers_!_o a man w~~L!l.as acguircp_c_~nsununat~_abili!}' in_some ~14, n_urmaJ'Ij I19f1SexuaJ. But itsJe.minmc. ~r:t cannot be used in this way. It is m-actic~ly restr!ctect to its sex~l sense of .. para: IDWIL" We start out with__two lefl!lS_._I;lgth roughly para..Q!!!~~Ie as

"one who)!~ power o~e~ !_no_th_er. •· Out the ma.'iCuline form, once one person is no longer able to have absolute power over another, becomes usable metaphorically in rhe sense of "have power over something." The feminine counterpart also acquired a metaphorical interpretation, but the metaphor here iN sexual: one's mistress "has power over" one in a sexual sense. And this expression is probably chivalrous, rather than d~riptive of the real-world relationship between lovers. In terms of choice, of economic control. and so forth, it is generally the man who holds the power in such a relAtionship; to ~l.!twom~_one's "mistress" is the equivalent of_saying "pl~" in prefacina a r~ucst t.o.a..subordinat.c:... Both arc done for politeness and .ue done purely because both partidpants in the relationship, in both cases, know that the supposed inferiority of the mistress's lover and of the user of "please" is only a sham. Interesting too in this regard is the fact that

"awtcr.:' rcquires.a!i..its

objc:ct.mllytb~e~_som~ ~ti'{iJY,

some-

thing inanimate and abstract. But ".m..istn:ss~r~~~uJip_e llOWl. iD tbe ~ve to precede it. One cannot say: (20) • Rhonda is a mistress.

One must be someone 's mistress. And obviously too, it i.' one thing to be an old master. like Hans Holbein. and another to be an old mistress.: tbe latter, &gain, requires a masculine possessive form preceding it, ind.icatmg who has done the discarding. Old in the fi~t instance refers to absolute age; the artist'& lifetime ve~us the time of writing. But old in the second really means ..discarded," "old" with respect to someone else. Others. too, have been struck by the hidden assumptions in the word mL'itress. In an article on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times. July 20, 1972, Rebecca Reyher suggests that a way around this difficulty is to adopt a parallel tenn for the man in such a relationship: stud. But furtber thought will make tt clear that the I1SC of this new

30 I

Language and Woman ''s Place

term wiU not obviat~ the problem: the rooto; lie d~~r. in tbe social nature of the relationship itself. As long as it is tbe woman who is de~ndcnl on the mun. ~ociaJly and economically, in such relationships, thc:re will be no possibility of coining a parallel term for mistress. Just as we will have the sorts of disparities illustrated by sentences ( 18H 19), we will find fun her disparities, for the same reasons. Note, for instance, tb~ difference in the acceptability of: He's a real stud! as contrasted to: •She's a real mistress! So berc we see several important points concerning the relationship lxtween men and women illustrated: first, that mer:a a.re defined in tenns o!. whauhey __dQ jo .tht. w_orld, women in_ _t.mtlLQf the _!Tl~!l wjth w_llo~_tbcy are associated; and second. that the notion of "power" for a_JD!!Il is .4i!tc;r:~nt fro_m lhat of "power" for ~ _woman: it is acquired and manifested in different ways. One might say then that these words have retained their princtpal meanings through time; what has changed IS the kinds of interpersonal relationships to which they refer.

As a sa:ond example. the examples in (21) should be completely paralJcl semantically; (21) (a) He's a professional. (b) She's a prof~'!ional.

Hearing and knowing no more about the subjects of the discourse than tbis, what would one assume about them itn each ca.<~e? Certainly in (a) the normal conclu.o;ion the casual eavesdropper would come to was that "he" was a doctor or a lawyer or a member of one of the other professions. But it is much les.o; likely tltlat one would draw a similar conchL'iion in (b). Rather, the first ass~tmption most speakers of English seem to make is that "she" is a prostitute. literally or figuratively speaking Agam, a man is defined in the ~rious world by what he does, a woman hy her sexuality, that is, in terms of one particular aspect of her relationship to men. This discrepancy is not confined to English. Victor Wen has informed me that a similar situation pertains in Chinese. One may KaY of a man, "He's in busine&S," and of a woman, "She's in business," lexically and grammatically parallel. The forn11er means about what its English equivalent means. But the latter is synonymous to sentence (21) (b).

\

I Language and Womcm 's Place I 3/ James Fox tdls me that in many cultures. as in English, people may be referred to metaphorically by animal names. suggesting that they have some of tlne anributcs of that ani mill, real or part of the folklore. What is interesting here is that Wht,"''c animal names may_ be applied to both men and womt,-n-whether or not there are separate terms for male and femal·e in the animal-the former may have connotations in all sorts of areas, while the latter, whatever other connotations tbc term may suggest, nearly always makes sexual reference as well. Compare in thi:s regard dog and bitch. fox and vi.un. and the difference between he's a pig and she's a pig. I The sexual de·finition of women, however, is but one facet of a much larger problem. ID 1!\'Cl)'_ B..'\pect of life. II wo_man js ideotjfi~ in tenn.'i Qf_the men she n:lates to. The opposite is. not usually true of men: they ) act in the world as autonomous individuals, but women are only "John's wife," or "Harry's girl friend." Thus, meeting a woman at a party, a quite nc,rmal Op<..'Tling conversalional gambit might be: ''What does your husband do?" One very seldom hears, m a similar situation, a question addressed to a man: "What does your wife do?" The question would, to a majority of men, seem tautological: "She's my wife-that's what she does." This is true even in cases in which a woman is being discussed in a context utterly unrelated to her rela· tionship~ with men, when she has attained sufficient stature to be considered for high public office. In fact, in a recent discussion of possible Supreme Court nominees, one woman w11.S mentioned prominently. ln discussing her general qualifications for the office, and her background, the l\'ew York Times saw fit to remark on her "bathingbeauty figure." Note that this is not only a judgment on a physical attribute totally removed from her qualifications for the Supreme Court, but that i1t is couched in terms of how a man would react to her figure. Some day~ later, President Nixon announced the nominations to his Pric<: Board, among them one woman. In the thumbnail sketches the Times gave of each nominee, it wa'l mentioned that the woman's husband was a professor of English. In the case of none of the other nomint:es was the existence of a spouse e-ven hinted at, and much less was there any clue about the spouse's occupation. So here, although the existence of a husband wa.'l as irrelevant for this woman appointee as the existence of a wife Willi for any of the male appointees,

12 /

Lattguage aNi WomDtt 's Place

the hushand was mmtionod, SJ.nce a woman CBJilDOl be placed in her po5ition in society by the readen of the Times unless they know her man tal statU."- The same is not at all true of nxn. Similar Iy in the 1971 mayoral campAJgn in San Francisco, the sole woman candidate was repeatedly referred to as Mrs. Feinstein. never Ftinsltin. when her opponents were re8ulatly referred to by first &Jild last names or last names alone: Joseph A/into. or Alioto. not Mr. Alioto. Agam, the woman had to be identified by her relationship to a man. although this should bear no relevance to her qualifications lfor public office. While sharp mtellcct is generally considered an unqualifiod virtue in a man, IIJ\Y charla'--ter trait that is not related to a woman's utility to men is considered suspect, if not downright bad. Thus the word l}rainy is :o.eldom used of men; when u_secj C?f ~m~n it suggest~ (I J that this. intelhaeoce is unexpected in a woman; (2) that jt_isn't reatly a &ood trait. If one calls a woman "smart, •· outside of the sense of "fashionable," either one means it as a compliment to her domestic thrift and other hou!!ekeeping abilities or, again, it suggests a hit of wariness on the part of the speaker. Also relevant he~ are the C;QrU~gatiOf!& (as opposed to the denotative meanings) of the w~ds sp_~ttSler and bachelor. Dcootatively, these are, again, parallel to "cow" \'ef'l!US ''bull": one~~~ masculine.. the other feminine. and both mean "one who is not manied." But there the resemblance ends Bachelor IS at Jcasr a neutral term, often used 3..o; a OOIJlpliment. Spin.~rer normally seems to be w~ pejoratively, Mtb connotations of prissiness. fuli.Siness, and so on. Some of the differences bctwttn the two worth are brought into foctiS in lhe following examples: (22) (a) Mary hopes to meet an eligible bachelor. (b) •fred hopes to meet an eligible spiJnster.

It i11 the concept of an eligible .tpinster that is anomalous. If someone is a 11pinster, by implication she is not eligible (to marry); she has had ber chance, anll been passed by. Hence, a girl of twenty cannot be properly called a spinster: she still has a chance to be married. (Of course. spinster may be u~ metaphorically in this situation. as del!Cribcd below.) But a man may be considered a, bachelor &'i soon as

l

Lm1guage and Woman's P/4« I 33

~bachelor

he reaches marriageable age: tp__bc iolplia tWtlQne b3S the dW-ice_QL.!!lLruUI.l& or _not. and tha is y..hat .aaakcs. tbc idea o{ a blchelo( eltistcoo:; attractive, in the popular liter-ature. He has been pursued and has successfuUy eluded hi!! pursuers. But D spinster is one who has not been pursued, or at lca.'lt not seriously. She Lo; old unwanted goock. Hence it is not 1urpnsing to find that a euphemism bas ari!letl for spimter. a word not much used today. bachdor girL which attempts to captu1re for the woman the umnotations bachelor has for a man. But this, too, is not much used ell.cept by writers trying lo gh-e their (slick magv~ne) prose a "with-it" sound. 1 have not beard the word used in uns.e.lfconscious speech. Bachelor, however, needs no euphemisms. When bachelor and spirrszer arc used metaphorically, the distinction m connotation between the two beccmet5 even clc.arer:

(23) (a) John i's a regular bachelor. (b) Mary is a regular spinster. The metaphorical connotations of ''.bal;brulr" generally suggest sexual freedom; of "spimt~r." ,puritanrsm or celibacy So we mighl usc a 9ellt~ce like (2J)(a) if John Wl\5 in fact rtUll'ried bul engaged m extramarital aft'ait"S freely. It ts hard to think of otha circumstancc:s 10 which it might be used. Certainly at could not be u.'ied 1f John were married but determined to remain celibate (23) (b), on the other hand, might be used under two conditions: fint, if Mary were 10 fact urunarried. btll still of marriageable: age (that is, noe yet a literal spinster), and very cold and prissy; 'iCCOnd, if Mary ~rc married. with I he same characteristics. The usc of "regular," then, seems to be an indicator chat the noun ic modifies is to be taken purdy in its connotative rathe~r than denotative sense. These example!;; could be multiphod. It is Jenn-ally considered a /awe ptU. in proper society, to congratulate a girl on her engagement, while it is correct to congratulate her fi11nct. Why is thi:o~? The reason here seems to be that it is impolite to remind someone of something th4t filA)' be uncomfortable to him. To remmd a girl that she must catch someone, that perhaps she might not have caught anyone, is rude, and this i!l what is involved, dl'ectively. in congratulating some-

34 I Language and WomGln 's Place

,,I

II

one. To congratulate someone ts to rqoic•e with him m his good fortune; but. it is not quite nice to remind a girl that getting married is good fortune for her, indeed a veritable m=cessity; it is too close to suggesting the bad fortune that it would be fiJr her had she not found someone to marry. In the context of this society's assumptions about women's role. to congratulate a girl on her engagement is virtually to s.ay, "Thank goodness! You had a cl~c call!" For the man, on the other hand, there was no such danga. Hi.s choosing to marry is viewed IL."i a good thing, but not something essential, and so he may he congratulated for doing a wise thing. If mam and woman were equal in respect to marriage, it would be proper to congratulate either both or neither. Another thing to think about is the tradi1lionaJ conclusion of the marriage service: "I now pron~mnce you man and wife." The man's position in the world, and in relation to other people including the .;bride, has not been changed by t.be act of marriage. He was a "man" 'before the ceremony, and a "man" he still is {one hopes) at its conclusion. But the bridewent into th~ cer~on...)'.!!L_"woman," no_t d~ned b,~_JWY.Ot.h~r person, at least linguisttcaUy; she leaves_ it a ~wife." de_!}!_!~ _in terms of the ''man," her husband. There are many other aspects of traditional marriage C(...-remonies in our culture that might be used to illustrate tbe same point. And, having discussed bachelorhood and spinsterhood, and the marital statc. we arrive at widowhood. Surely 11 bereaverl husband and a berea'r'ed wife are equi'r'alent: they have botJ~ undergone the loss of a mate. But in fact, lingllistically at any rate, this i.s not true. It is true that we have tW..Q_~9rd_sJ J£i!Jow and widower,· but here again, widow i~ far commo.n~ip use. Widows, not widowers, have their particular 1"91~ in folklore and t~dit!Qn, an
~ Language arul Woman's Place /

35

defined by her relation*ip to him. But the bcrcav¢husband is no longer de~~ed jJ1Jcn:rr~ _Q[_hj_s_~ife. Whik she is alive, he is sometimes defined as Mary's husband fthough less often, probably, than she is as "John's wife"). llut once she is gone, her function for him is over, linguistically s.peak.ing anyway. So once again, we see that women are a.lways ~'!~Lin-~ ofth~ 01~1J to -~t!«?_m they are relat~ and hence the wors~ thing that can happen to a woman is_not _to have a. man in this r·~lationship-that is, to be a spinster, a woman with neither husband nor lover, dead or alive_ What all thtesc facts suggest is merely this. again: that men are ~s_umed to be abk lo_ch.oooe whetlu!r ru: nor _they will maJTY. and that therefore: their not being married in no way precludes their enjoying sexual activity·; but if a woman is not married, it is assumed to be because no one found her desirable. Hence if a woman is not married by the usual ag;e, she is assumed to be sexually undesirable, prissy, and frigid_ The reason for th1s distinction seems to be found in the point made earlier: that Wt:>men are given their identities in our society by virtue of their relationship wit_h_men, f!Ot vice versa. It ha.« been argued that this claim about disparities in use betwt:en man/husband and woman/wife, as well as bachelor/spinster and widow/widower doo not apply in other languages, where they are not found, although otherwtSC tbc speakers of these languages are as sexist as any. Then, the argument continu~. aren't these so-called proofs of linguistic sexism invalidated. in the face of, for cx.ample., the French mari el femme = "husband and woman"? Or in the face of the fact that widower is not morphologically marked vis-a-vis widow, in many languages? My answ« 1to all these arguments is no. We must look at the total picture. not its individual parts_ Perhaps the French speaker says "man et femme"; can a female speaker of French say "mon man· trovail/e''? Onily tf she can (and if a large body of the other claims made here are invalidated in French) can we claim that the linguistic disparity betwc::en "man" and "woman" does not hold in French. Further. it sibould be clear that th~ prese'!ce ()fa (]'l~k~_tra.it (like 1 \ the special ending on the masculine widower} is lingui~tic cv~~~ of ~ cjt$J}!IDtr; but the absence of such a trait is not evidence of its

I

..

ffflk.t ··~--.

36 I LarJguage and Woma,.·s Place opposite. A language generally malt;es a distinction, or utihzcs a mark~ fonn, for a reason; but the lack of such marking may be mere accident Obviously, any fairly inventive mind, given fifteen minutes. could point to a dozen uses in English that are not sexist, but might conceivably have been so; but no one wilJ use tbese nonoccurrences as proof of the nonsexism of English. Now it becomes clearer why there is a !;u;k~~li$_1_0. i!!..l!'ell'.~ and women's ti!le:s- To refer to a man ~ .M.!~~_!19t !<1enJili' hjs marital S!~l_u_s~_b_U.!_ there is IJO_!.U~h ~~g_u_Ol!S tenr._for wo_m~: one must deci!i~ on Mrs. or Miu. To remedy this imbalance, a biiJ was proposed in the llnited Stat~ Congress by Bella Abzug and others that would legislate a change in women's titles: Miss and Mrs. would lxllh be abolished in favor of Ms. Rather less seriously. tbe converse has boen proposed by Russell Baker, that two terms should be created for men, Mnn. and Srs., depending upon marital status. We may ask severaJ questions: (a) Why does the imbaJan£e.~!St in~he_finif pla_cc? (b) Why do we feel thal Baker's suuestion (even if it did not come from Baker) is somehow not to be taken as $erio!JSIY as Abzug's? And (c) s.ioc:s t\bzyg'~_proposal haye a chance of bcin& ll-C«Ptcd in col· Joquial speech? (One must distinguish between acceptanc~ in official usc and documents, where Ms. is already used to some extent, and acceptance in colloquial conversation, where I have never heard it. I think the latter will be a long time in coming, and I do not think we can consider Ms. a real choice until this occurs.) (a) A title is devised and used for a purpose: to give a clue to participants in _social i!Jteraction how the other_l>Cl'SOn is to be regarded, how he is to be addressed. ln an avowedly cla.'ioS-consciou.'l society, ~iai ran~irtg_ is a !Ugni&anl lktcnnining factor: once you know that your a.ddrcs.sec is to be addressed as "lord," or "mister," or "churl," you know where he stands with respect to you; the title estabhshes his identity in terms of his relationship with the larger :social group. For thls reason, the recent suggestion that both Mr. and Mrs./Mis.s be abolished in favor of Person is unlikely to be sucttSSful: Person tells you only what you already know, and does not aid in establishing ranking or relationship between two people. Even in a supposedly classless SOCiety, the usc of Mr. (as opposed to simple last

... '

Languog~

and Woman's Place I 3 7

ruunc or first name) connotes a great deal about the relationship of the two participants in the discourse with respect to each othcr. To introduce yourself, 'Tm Mr. Jones" puts the relationship you are seeking to establish on quite a different basis than saying, "I'm Jones,'' or "I'm John," and each is usable under quite different contextual condition~ socially speaking. A.-. long as social distinctions, overt or covert, continue to exist, we will be unable to rid our language of titles that make reference to them. It is interesting that the French and Russian revolutions both tried to do away with honorific titles that distinguished class by substituting "citizen(ess)" and "comrade." These, however, are not purely empty like "person": they imply th11t spealer and addressee share a relationship in that both are part of the state and hen~ by implication, both equal. In France, the attempt was not long-lived. (Although tovarishch is nonnal today in the Soviet Union, 1 don't know whether it is really usable under all conditions, whether a factory worker, for instance, could Ulle it to his foreman, or his foreman's wife.) Although, in our society. naming conventions for men and women are esscntialJy equal (both have first and last names. and both may have odditionaJ names. of lc:s..o;er importance), the -~ial...£O.Jlvc:nti~uls &QVeming !b.e _c_.l!oice Qf. (orm ofa4~ i.~ n9J ~aUel_in both sexes. Thus, as noted, ~ .ID!lflJ Mr. John Jones, may k_~r~'led as Jobn, as Jones, a.'i ~r.: }.QDes. and a..~ Mr._ John Jof:!~· The first normally implies familiarity, the second intimacy coupled with Jones's ~nfcti ority (except in situation~ of nondirect address, as in professional citation; or among intimates, as a possibly more intimate fonn of address evc:n than first name alone, without infenority being implied); the: third distance and more or less cq~_ty. The last is never used in direct address, and again i~~ca_!_.es C01!s.L~ble 4istance. To address someone by first name alone is to assume at least equality with tbe other person, and perhaps superionty (in which case the other ~n will respond with Mr. and lllllt name). Mr. Jones i..<1 probably the J~st-marlccd form of address, a means of keeping di&tance with no necessary suggestions of status. To address someone as Jones socially or in business may be an indication of his inferior st.atus, but to refer to someone that way profell.~onally (as at a liogui'ltics conference,

u.,;., \..,I'll'¥

eoy.- .. llth t.:·~··:~·-~\(

38 I

Language and Woman's Place

generally in indirect reference rather than direct address) seems to be a mark of his acceptance, as a colleague and a person to be taken seriously as a fellow member of the profession. In this way, perhaps, it is related to the last-name-<Jnly of familiarity: it is "we know each other well; we are equals and pals, or equals and colleagues." Possibly related to this is a discrepancy in the rules of profes..
•'

~ I

Language and Woman's Place I 39

.-

_normi!JlY.J!nd last name ~~Q!!.~-~~ut [Qr_C!_WO~an_.~__this js much I~ common. (I am, again, not referring to citation in writing, where last name alone is common for women as well as men.) TI1ere are two ways out: first narn~ alone (Jane) or both names (Jane Jones), and I have encountered both, while I have virtually never encountered last name alone (Jones) for women. But the use of the___iint !WJl~-~one, in situations in which it is not warranted, such as if the speaker really is not a personal friend with the person referred to, S~?U_nds ~troniz~ jp_g, and the ~ng awk"!ard in suggesting that the person referred to is not accepted as a colleague. Yet these are the only normal options. I am speaking here only of prevailing tendencies. Exceptions obviously exist,_ and are the more apt to be made the better known a woman is in her field. But certainly, in common conversational use among linguists speaking colloquially, we might expect to find sentence (a) below rather more than we might expect (b). Say, what did you think of Lakofrs latest paper, where (a) he (b) she makes the claim that logical structure is to be formally thought of as a 100-pound purple orangutan? Ordinarily, the hearer of the sentence above would be somewhat jarred by encountering the feminine pronoun later in the sentence, since last name alone sets up a strong assumption that it is a male colleague being referred to. Probably the majority of linguists, in this situation, would also resort to circumlocution to avoid the following sentence: (c) I understand Green is claiming that Morgan thinks with a fork.

It would seem as though male members of the profession are, subconsciously or otherwise, loath to admit women to full member· ship in their club, and this trouble in terms of address-limiting the choice to addressing a woman either by first name, in this situation implying her inferiority to the speaker, or by both names, suggesting she is not quite a full colleague--is symptomatic of deeper problems of which we are all aware.

40 I Language and Woman's Place I think this tendency to use first ruunc:s sooner and ~ more apt to use them, rather than last name alone or title plus last name, m referring to and addressing women, is evident in other areas tbiUl academia. Qn_ ~vi.o;ion discus!>ion shows, or commentary, or topical ~Y (of the Bob Hope kind), a woman will be C&lkd..o.r. lcfcn~ to b>: her first 11~! !"'her.!_~_man "!i~t. not. Again, tb.s is not a hard-and-fast ruk. but depends upon we. respect ~r~__jQ. .tlt~ W~J(lan due to her age. position, and attractiveness: it seems as though th~ more an~v~_a, ~o~_~h~~_sh~ can ~-~en seriously, and .the ~ $h~ !s considered a decoration, able to be addressed by first rwne only. I feel that, other tbing.fi being equal. there IS a grcul.ct likelihood of hearing Gloria Stcinem called "Gloria" by someone who docs not lrnow her very well than of hearing Norman Mailer called "Norman" under the same conctitions. (Of coune. nobody is likely to call the former Prime Ministn of Israel "Gaida.") This U5&8e l5 perhaps to ~ compared with the tflldition of calling children freely by their first nama, and may be parallel to the usc of "girl" for "woman" discussed earlier. Aside from mak.ing apparent a dilemma arising from lil §A.-tal inequity, the facts noted above ue of interest for other rcuons: they !how that titles arc very much alive m our supposedly classless ~ ciety, and apparently small difrerL-nL-es 10 their use reftect great chasms in social po!tition among w;ers. The usc (or misuse) of titles supplies much information to people. and hen~ titles are important in our language as in our society, and not about to ~ lightly discarded. If then, we can reasonably assume that a titk supplies information about the per50n to whose name it is attached, we may further a.\.,ume that this information is n«:essary in tdling people how to interact with this pen.on. And if this sort of information is felt to be nece'l..aty for one class of people and not another, we may expect to find a distinction made in the titles for the first class, if at all, but not the ~ond.

So it as with Ma.., Mj« and.~ ~ince a significant _part of the: o_pinion one nonnally forms about a woman's character and social Wltion dcpads .on h~ lll.IU"It.a.l $Uius-as is not the ca.~~e with menlt IS obvious that tbc title o( add~ should supply this infoniUition

I lAnguage and Woman's Place I

4/

~.Jhe

que Q[ worpen,l?ut not of men. (It may sc:cm a.'! though a man's manta! status is. under certain conditions. of crucial interest ll) a woman. and therefore thi~ point is suspect. But I think we have to di!itinguish between importan~ in the eyes of a single penon in a particular situation, and importance in the eyes of S(Xicty at large, in a great many ~ible situations. At almost every tum, because of the way soetaJ and business events are arrang~ one needs to !mow a woman's mmtal statU$, and the positJOn held by her husband. But one does not need the same information about a man, ~ince his social status can be gauged, genenilly, purely by refer· ence to his own aa:omplishments.) .Once again, it would seem that trying to legislate a change in a lexiCAl 1tem is fruitles&. The change to Ms. will not be generally adopted until a woman's status in society changes to a.'iSure her an identity based on her own accomplishments. (Perhaps even more debasing than the Mrs.!Miss distinction is the fact that the worp.an in marrymg relinquishes her own ~e. while the man does not. This sugsests even more finnly that a woman is her husband's ~'ICSSioo. having oo other identity than that of hi-5 wife. Not only docs she giVe up her last name [which, after all, she took from hl"T" father], but often her first name as well._tQ become Mrs._J~n ~milk}

Although blacks are not yet fully accorded equal status with whites in th1s society, nevertheless black. a term coined to elicit .-.cial pride and ~se of unit~. seems to have bt-cn widcly adopted both by blac.:b and whites, borh in fonnaJ w;e and in the media, and increasingly 1n colloquial ccmversation. Does this con~titutc a countereumple to my claim here? I think not, but rather an element of hope. .Ml'....QQ.int is tb.al UQ&_~~ soc!&_~~_n_ge _&0 _hand. in h~~()~C ~·purdy by chanlioa .lan~ge ~~ ch~~ ~I ~tatu.i._!he ~~d. b_lock, in its current sense, was not heard until the l~!eJ960s_or ~v~ l970, t9 any significant extent. I think if its use bad been proposed much earlier, it would have failed in acceptance. I think the reason people other than blacks can understand and sympathize with black r-Acial pride 15 that they were made aware of the depths of their prejudice during the civil rights struggles of the early 1960s. Jt took nearly ten years from the beginning of thiA struggle for the use of black to

~------------------............. 41 I

..

Language and Woman's Place

a.chi~c

wide: acceptKnce.and it is ~till often used a bit sclf-<::Onsciou."ly, though iralicir.ed. But since great headway was made first in the as social sphere, linguistic progress could be made on that basis: and now this lingui~tic progrc:s..'i, it 1s hoped, wtlllead to new social progress in turn. The women's movement is but a few years cMd, and has, l should thinl, much doc:per mgraincxt hostility to overcome than t~ clVi~ rights movement ever did (Among the mtelligentsia, the black civil rights struggJc: was never a sub]CCt for ridJcuJe, as women's liberation all too often is. among those very liberal" who were the first on their blnck.s to join the NAACP.) The_parallelto the black struggle ~hould indicate that social \:hang'= must p~ede l~xjcal ch~~e: women must ~~jeve some measure of greater social independ_ence ~f !!'_en before M.t can gain w1der al·.(.~eptancc. (b) There is thus a very good reason why a distinction is made in the case of women, but not men. in the matter of marital status. But this fact suggest.-. an answer to the second question posed above. regarding why Ms. is felt to be a more serio!.!S _proposal ~han_ Bakct"'s stlagestion. It i!i obviou~y easier to imagine obliterating an extant distinction than creating a new one: ~\.ier to learn to ignore the mantal statt1s of a woman than to begin to pay anention to that nf a nan. Moreover, we may also assume that for a womm, the u.\e of Ms. is a libcn.ting device, one to be desired. But (as Baker suggests) the ~ of two titlei for men is an encumbrance, a remover of certain kmds of Iiberti~ liJld something definitely undesirable. So t~ two suggtstions are not equivalent, and if either were ever to be accepted, the choice of Ms. ia the probable candidate. (c) The third questmn regarding the chances M1. has real ~~cc has, in effect, already been answered. Until society chanaes so that the disttnction between married and unmarried women is as unimportant in terms of thcir S<X.;aJ position as that between married and unmarried men, the attempt in all probability cannot succeed. Like the attempt to substitute any euphemism for an uncomfortable word, the attempt to do away with Miu and Mrs. is doomed to failure if it is not acrompanicd by a change in ~ety's auitudc to what the titles describe.

roc

Lartguage and Woman's Ploce I 43

4 / Conclusion Linguistic imbalances arc worthy of ~rudy because they bnng into s_harpc:r focus real-world imbalances and inequities. They are clues that some external situation needs changing. rathCf' than items that one should seek to change directly A compc:tent doctor tries to eliminate the germs that cJluse mea.~lc:s, rather than trytng to bleach the red out with peroXIde. I emplut!>ize th1s point because it ~oeems to be currently fJlShionable to try, first, to atlal'k the disease by auemplang tu obliterate the external symptoms; and, sccood. to attack c>W!ry instance of linguistic sexual inequity, rather than sele£ting those that reftecr a real disparity in soctal treatment, not mere grammatical nonparallefism. We shouJd ~attempting to single out those: linguistic WICS that, by implication and innuendo, demean the members of one group or another, and should be ~ing to make sJ'('akers of English aware of the psychological damage such forms do. The problrnt, of course, lies in deciding which forms are mally damaging to the: ego, and then in determining what to put in their st~d. A good example. which troub~ IDl! a lot at present, as that of p!__ooommaJ neurf'alir~tion. ln English, as indeed in the great majority of the world's lAnguages, when __r:_eferc:nce is made individually to _~bers of a sexually mixed group, the normal solution is to reliOI"'e the tl)deci:ilon ~ topronol.LQ_ ch01~ in favor of the muculine:• the • Wal!A.:.e Cbaf~ has fi\'en me an antcremng uamplc rt'l~tiv(' to tllD docussion of pron<muna.J ncutralir.ation and sc.uun. In lroqliOian, na.tralu.atwn •s tlu~gb the usc of lhc: fcmtniM pronoun. The lroqttOtan S.."Ciety is 'IOmetimes (inaa:un~tely) refc::!Ttd to » m~~trian:h.al; in any case. •umco play a ,pe.,al n>le. 'J'hQc:: IW~O bcu together "'ould ..eem ro be a vindication for tho8e wbo cl.alm th»t lle\ltrai~IIOD 1n 61vor of the tn.uculinr pronoun, u in F.ngli!ll\, ~~a mark. ,,r the 'IUI~m rampant tn our culture. But ~L'iC'Nherc in lroquoian, rhis claim i! belied. llterr arr flllmerou., prcfi'o attached h> noura. distingUishina number, gender. 11.nd CLY Wb~ th<" noun rden to maJCuliue hu.nan beings, thoe prefilles are lo:r:pl separate nf one anorh~. But m rdl'TTlng ttl fcmmmc human bemp, animals., and uumimale o~jecu, tbaor numerous pn
44 I Language and Woman's Place J_nasculine, men. is "unmarked" or "neutral ... and therefore witl be found referring to men and women both in sentences like the followmg: (25) (a) Everyone take his seat. (b) If a person wants to ingratiate himself with Harry, he •herself •she should cook him moo-shu pork. In (25) (a), her oould of course be used in an all-female group: the point is that in~ mixed grnup, even one predominant1y female, his will normally be~th~ "correct" fonn. Many speakers, feeling this is awkward and perhaps even discriminatory, ~tt~~ ~utralizauon with their, a usage frowned \!POD by most authorities as inconsistent or il!_ogical. In (25) (b). herselfand she might ronceivably replace himsdf and he. but the dfcct of the r.entence would be changed. not too surprisingly: the ingratiation would be understood 11.5 an attempt at (sexual) seduction, or an attempt to persuade Henry to marry the ··J)et!(lD .••

That IS, although semantically both men llfld women are included in the groups referred to by the pronouns in these sentences, only ht and rebated masculine forms are commonly possible. An ~aJogous si_tua_tjon occursjn many_languages with the words for human being: in English, we find _"!!l'' and t?J(!_nkind. which of course refer to women members of the s~ies as well. This of course permits us innumerable jokes involving "man-eating sharks," and the widespread existence of these jokes perhaps points up the problem that these forms create for a woman who speaks a language like English. I feel that the emphasis upon this point, to the exclusion of most other linguistic points, by writers within the women's movement is misguided. While this lex1cal and grammatical neutralization is relataJ to the fact that men have been the writers and the dcxn, I don't think it by iblclf specifies a particular and demeaning role for hat. ~BJ~Un&Ucal rdluea. It also sugesta lbal pronawt ncutmliz.allon is DOC rea.lly the ~ i!&ue: tha-e llR: other upa:1s of J.D~o Eopisb u well u Iroquoian-,...tricb arc bcner indicalon o( the rdatiUII.Ibip bc1'01cet1 linguistic: uaaae uc1 cukval U1Umptio111.

Language and Woman's Place I

45

women, as the specia.J uses of mistrc>ss or professional. to gtve a few examples, do. It is not msidious in the same way: it does not indicate to little girls how they are expected to behave. Even if it did, surely other aspects of ling\JiSIIC unbalance should receive equal attention. But more seriously, I thmk one should force onesclf to be re4listic: ~inaspecL
enough. I think in any case that linguists should be consulted before any more fanciful plans a.re made public for reforming the inequities of English. Many of these are founded on misunderstanding and create well-deserved ridicule, but this ridicule is then carried over into other areas which are not ludicrous at all. but suffer guilt by association. For instance. there have bcc:n serious suggestions lately that women have not had much inftuen~ on the affairs of the world because the term for the thing is lm::JQa They sugge<~t that the problem could be solved

46 I

Languagi! and Woman's Place

by changing the word to M!·Slt;Jry. It should not be necessary to spend time demolishing this propo!>al, but it is so prevalent that it must be stopped soon. First of all, the argument at very best confuses cause and effect: it is very seldom the case that a certain form of behavior results from being given a certain name. but rather, names are given on the bas1s of previously oMer-ved beha~ior. So anteaters arc so called because they were observed to eat ants; 1t IS not the case that the name "anteater" was given them randomly, and they rewarded the giver of the name by eating ants. which Jhey had not previously done. But in any event, the argument is fallacious. The word history is O()t _cl_eri_v~ from t~o English words, Jti.t+ story: rather it CQ.Q'I~frornthe Oreek__wor_d histQria, from a root meaning "k.now." The Greeks, in coining the word, did not think 1t had anything to do with men versus women; so it could not have been so c.aUed because men were the only ones who played a part in it. nor could it have ba:n so called in ordt:r to ensure that only men would have this role. In many languages, the equivalent of the E.nglish word hi.rrory is related to it in appearance and ongin; yet in none of them does it appear related in any way to the masculine pronoun (d. French histoin!). Yet the world's history IS the same for speaken of all languages, generally spea!Ung. This k.ind of thinking is both ludicrous and totally fallacious, and 1s discussed at undeserved length here only because the attention it has received ha.'> distracted people from thinking of more serious probknu. And more recently still, I have read 11 suggestion that hurricanes be renamed himicanes, since the former appellation reflects poorly on women. If this sort of stuff appears m print and in th~ popular media as often as it does. it becomes mcreasingly more difficult to persuade men that women are really rational beings. If we can accept the facts already discussed as generally true, for most people, most of the time, then we can draw from them several conclusions, of interest to readers in any of various fields. I. People working in the women's liberation movement, and other fi.OCJal rd'ormen, can sec that there: i.I a discrepancy between English lv; used by men and by women; and that the social diSCrepancy in the Positions of men and women in our soaery is reflected in linguistic

I Language and Woman's Place I 4 7 dis.panties. The linguist, through linguiStic anaJysis, can help to pinpoint where these disparities lie, and can suggest ways of tdling when improvements have been made But it should be recognized that social change creates language change, not the reverse; or at best, language change influences changes in attitudes slowly and indirectly, and these changes in attitudes will not he refle.cted in social change unlt.:ss society is receptive already. Further, the linguist can suggest which linguistic disparities reftect real and serious social inequalities, which are changeable, which will resist change; and can thus help the work· t'fS in the rea.! world to channel their energies most constructively and avoid ridicule. 2. For the teacher of second languages, it is important to realize that !iOCtal context is relevant in learning to speak a second language fluently. It is also important for a teacher to be aware of the kind of language he or she is speaking: if a woman teacher unconsciously t~hes .. women's language" to her male students, they may be in difficulties when they try to function in another country; if a female anthropologist learns the "men's language" of an area. she may not be able to get anywhere with the inhabitants because she seems unfeminine, and they will not know how to react to her. Language learning thus goes beyond phonology, syntax., and semantics, but it takes a perceptive teacher to noti~ the pitfalls and identify them c.orrectly for students. 3. And finally, we have something for the theoretical linguist to consider. We have been talking about the use of language: what can be more gennane than this in fonnulating a theory of language? We have shown that language use changes depending on the posit10n in society of the language user, that a sentcnc.(: that is "accept.tblc" when uttered by a woman 1s "unacceptable" when uttered by a man, or that one sen ten~ may be "acc.eplable" under one set of assumptions in the subject matter, ··unaccept.tblc'' under another. That is, it is a mistake to hope (as earlier linguistic theories have sometimes done) that the ~U:Ceptahility of a sentence is a yes-no or •;non• decision: rather we must think in terms of hierarchies of grammaticality. in which the acceptability of a sentenc.(: is determined through the combination of many fllCtors: not only the phonology, the syntax, and the semantics.

48 I

I I'

Language and Woman's Ploce

but also the sociaJ c.ontext in which the utterance is expressed, and the assumptions about the world made by all the participants in the WSC(IUJ"SC. It is sometimes objected that this is the realm of"pragmatics," not "linguistics," that it reftects "performance." not "competence." My feeling is that language use by any other name is still linguistics, and it is the business of the linguist to tell why and where a r;entence is acceptAble, and to leave the name-calling to the lexicographers. If a linguist encounter.> an example like The WO)' prices are rising is horrendo&~s. isn '1 it? and feels indecisive about its acceptability in various situations, it is his duty to teU e.x.actly where his doubts lie, and why. It is as important for him to catalog the contextual situations under which a tag question like this (or tag questions in genenll) may be used as to determine the syntactic environment in which the tAg question formation rule may apply. To stop with the latter (as is done, for example, in standard transformational grammar) is to tell half the story. Or to take another instance: we have discussed a wide variety of problematical cases. Why can't you say: • John is Mary's widower? (And this s.enten« is bad under conditions, and hence is not & question of ..pecfonnanc~. ") Why have the meanings of rna.ster and mistrns changed in a nonparallel fashion over time? Why does He'l a profational have ditferent implications than She's a professumal? Suppose a linguist wishes to avoid making reference lO sociaJ conte.lt in his grammar. How can he deal with such cases? First, there is the problem of the nonparalldism in the use of widow and widower. He might mark the latter m tus lexicon as [-NPgenitive---] or a similar ad hoc device:. Or one might say that widow bad underlying it a 2-pl.aoe predicate. while there was a 1-place predicate underlying widower. That this is ludicrou!l, in that it distorts the meaning of the latter sentence, is evident. In the case of professional, the theorist who excludes social context would have a slightly different problem. He has to indicate in the lexicon that there are two words profes:JioTUJl, presumably accidental homonyms. One is restricted to women, like pregnant: the other is restricted to men, Jilce virile (Of course, there are obvious semantic rea'IOfl.S, going ba.clc. to facts in the real world, in the ca.~ of pregnant and virili'! that m.ak.e their gender restrictions

any

I Language and Woman's Place I

4V

non-ad hoc. Since this is not the case with professional, he has already introduced arbitrariness into this lexical item.) Thm one sense of professional, the one restricted to womm, is defined as: "lit. or fig., a prostitute." The other sense, specific to men, is defined: "engaging i.n certain business activities . . . " or whatever. And similarly, he would in the case of master and mi.str?ss have to construct a very strange theory of historical change in order to allow these words to diverge in sense in the way in which they have. This is not to say that these facts cannot be handled in some ad hoc fashion; my point here is merely that to take such a course is to violate the principles of valid linguistic description. First, the linguist taking this position has been forced to resort to numemus ad hoc devices purely in order to avoid generating impo!i.-.ible scnlencc.; while generating those that are grammatical. Second, and perhaps more seriously, he would be overlooking the real point of what is going on. Each of the non parallelisms that have been discu.sst:d here (as well, of course. as the many others I have mentioned c:hewhcre, and still others the reader can no doubt supply himself) would in such treatment be nonparallel for a different reason from each of the others. Yet the speaker of English who ha..'\ not been nuscd in a vacuum knows that all of these disparities exist in Enghsh for tbe same rea.'l(>n: each reflects in irs pattern of usage the difference betw~en the role of women m our society and that of men. If there were tomorrow, say by an a.ct uf God, a total restructuring of 'iOciety as we know it so th.at women were in fact equal to men, we would make certain predictions about the future behavior of the language. One prediction we might ma.ke i1i that all these words, together, would cease to be nonJI&rallel. If the curious behavior of each of these forms were idiosyncratic, we would not expect them to behave this way en masse. If their peculiarity had nothing to do with the way society wa.c; organized, we would not expect their behavior to change as a result of social change. Now of course, one cannot prove points hy invoking a catAclysmic change that has not occurred and, in all probability, will not. But I do think an appeal is possible to the reader's intuition: this seems a likely way for these forms to behave. In any event, I think this much is clear: that there is a generalization that can be made regarding the aberrant

50 I

LanKuoge and

Woman:~

Place

behavior of all these lex.ical items, but this generalization can be made only by reference. in the grammar of the language, to social mores The hngutst must mvolve himself, professionally, with sociology: first, because he is able to isolate the data that the sociologist can use in determming the weaknesses and strengths of a culture (a.'i we have done, to some extent, here); and then because if he does not examine the society of the speakers of the language along with the S paper .. Anaphori.: ls.IMds .. m Binntck er aJ ,
•

PART II

~·'~

,--..___~,........_.___..;,_...-....,

Why Women Are Ladies I/ Introduction , In the preceding discussion. I talked at some length about the linguistic uses that characterize traditional "women's language." as well as the ways in which we speak differently of women than of men. I tried to give evtdence that the discrepancies that appear to exist arc harmful to women's self-image and to the image people in general form of women's character and abilities. One of the problems I have run into in presenting these ideas is that often, ,!t'hile everyone acknowledges the existence of nonparaUel us•B~ s~ch as the ones I d~ribed, people also fed that no inequity exists~ mrn and women are "separate but equal," and no redress need ~made; vive. in fact, Ia difference. In addition, people very often feel aftTonted at my criticisms--this is true of~th men and womenbecause they have bt."CTT taught that the disC~pancies actually favor 11iomen, and here I am trying to change them; I am striking a blow against womllllkind and maybe even mankind, since it benefit'> women and everyone else to have these distinction<>. The argumet:!t m~t ~ften ~~!!round the notions of "politeness" we were all taught a.o; !=hi~drm: y.romen's speec.h. diffl.'"TS from men's in that women are more \ ~_which is precisely as it should be, since women are the presc:rv~rality and cwibty; and we speak around women in an espe1

5.2 I Language and Woman's Place ~tl ~·~ :f~ cially ''polite" way m return, eSCtlewing the ~ess of ni"'tllanly men's language: no slang, no ~wear words. no off-color remarks. further, many of the ways we ch()()Se to speak of women reflect our higher estimate of them than of men. and exalt and flatter, rather than humiliate. So. the argument runs, my pos.~tion, that women should be aware of these dtscrepancies m language and do what they can to demolish them, is the one that denigrates and degrades women. l appreciate the superficial force of that argument; &nd certainly, tf a woman feels !>he has no other strength or starus m the real world t_han ~"lady," arbiter of morality, judge of manners, she might well be affronted by the comments I make. My hope is that women will recognize that such a role is insuffici~t f9r a human being and will then realize that using this language, having it used of them, and thus being placed implicitly in this role, is degradin_g in t.l}at it is constraining. There's nothing wrong, obviously, with having a natural sense of rhythm; but to impute this quality, sight unscc:n, to all blades and thus to each black in tum that one encounters is insulting. Similarly, if some women Wlllll to be arbiters of morality, that's fi.ne with me; but I don't like the idea that, because I came into the world with two X chromosomes. f have oo choice but to be an arbiter of moralny, and will automatically be treated as though I were. Hence this discussion. What I want to talk about is precisely the relationship between women's language. language referring to women, and politeness and to reflect on the reasons behind this relationship. The question is complicated by the fact that politeness is many-faceted. just as there are many forms of women's langllA8e and many distinction.<> among the uses so identified in the preceding part of this book. For instance, almost no one I know of my age and general educational status wouJd be caught dead ~ying "divine." and some even claim not to be able to identify "nutgenta." while knowing what a universal joint is (in their car, rather than tbetr roach clip). But question intonation in declarative-requiring situations is very common among us still, and much as we feel the need to extirpate it. it flourishes as long as we don't have perfect self-confidence. Using ·~!vine" is not a mark of feelings of inferiority, but rather a mete badBe of cla.ss.-female class.. Using question intonation inappropri·

..

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Why Women Are LlJdie.s I

53

ately is__bot_h. The !art~ dies harder than the former. Similarly, as I shall discuss at length, there are many types of behav10r that can be called "polite." Some forms of politen~ are linguistic, some purely nonlinguistic, and many mixed; some are ~ lite in some settings, neutral or downright rude in other.5; some are polite in some societies, rude in others; and finally some are polite in some societies at one stage of a relationship, but rude in another society at a parallel stage. perhaps polite in the latter society at a different stage. Wbat I will propose arc some tentative "working rules" for the types of politeness that are found and an attempt to describe the situations in which each is appropriate. I will then talk about the relationship between women's language and language about woroen, and these rules of politeness, a'l compared to and contrasted with what one finds in men's and in neutral language. Finally I will oO'er some rather tentative speculations on what is possibly going on: why the discrepancies exist, and why they are deleterious to society in general as well as to women in rarticular, and are not the inn()CeJ)t flattery they are thought of as being. Let me summarize here for convenience the form!! that I see as c<>mJ,rising "women's language," most of which have already been dik~ at lcn,gtb. I. Women have a large stock of word" related to their specific ~terests, generally relegated to them as "woman's work": magenta. shirr, dArt (in sewing), and so on. If men usc these words at all, it tends to be tongue-in-cheek. 2. "Empty" ~jcctives like divine, clrDrming. cute. ... 1 \ 3. Question intonation wh~ we might expect declaratives: for .~tance. tag questions ("It's so hot, i!ln't it?") and risiDJ intonation •~eat contexts ("\'!hal'& yow name:, dear?" "Mary Smith?"). 4. Tbe_\§e of (ledges of_various kinds. Women's speech seems in geae:rai to contain more instances of ''well," ''y'know," "kinda," and 10 forth: words that convey the sense that the speaker is uncertain abou!~.ltat he (or she) is saying, or cannot vouch for the accuracy of the statement. These words are fully legitima~ whm. in fact, this IS ~case (for example, if one says, "John is sorta tall," meaning he's Deitber really impressively tall nor actually !thort, but rather middling,

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Language and Woman s Place

though toward the taU side: 5 foet 9 rather than 6 feet 5, say). There is another JUStlfiablc usc in which the hedge mitigates the possible unfriendliness or unkindness of a statement-that JS, where if's usc:d for the sake: of politeness. Thus, .. John is sorta short," where I m~: , He's 5 feel 2 and you're 5 feet 8, Mary. so how will at look if you go · out with b1m? Here, l know ~xactly how short he 1s, and 11 IS very ' short, but I blunt !he force of a rather pamful assertion by usmg the hedge. What I mean is the class of cases in which neith~r of these facts , pertains. and a hedge shows up anyway: the speaker is perfectly c.-ertam of the truth of the as.~rtion. and there's no danger of olfense, but the tag appear.> llllyway as an apolog}' for making an assertion at all. Anyone may do this tf he lacks sclf·confidcnce, as everyone does in some situation..;; but my impr~sion is that women do 1t more, precisely because they ar~ ~iahzc:d to ~liC\·~-lii31'"~ii\g themselves strongly isn't ruce or ladylike, or even feminine. Another mani· festation of the same thmg 1s the l!SC of "I guess" and ") think" Prt:flu:ing declarations or "I wondd' prefacing questions, whtch themselves are hedges on the speech-acts of saying and asking. "I guess" means something like: I would like to say. . to you, but I'm not sure I can (because I don't know 1fit's ngbt, bec3usc I don'r know if I bBve the right. because I don't know how you'd take it, and so on), so I'U merely put it forth a'! a suggestion. Thus, if 1 ~y. "It wiU rain this afternoon." and it doesn't, you can latt.'f' take me to task for a misleading or inaccurate prediction. But if I say, "I gu~s it will rain this afternoon," then I am far less vulnerable w such an attack. So these hedges do have their US(S when one really has Ieg~timatc need for protection, or for deference (if we arc afraid that by making a certain statement we are ovenotepping our rights), but '!~ to excess, b~!es•_ ~e ~estiort i~to~atio_n, give the impress1on that the speaker lac~llu~~ority or doesn't know what be's talking about. Again, these are famlliar misogynistic criticisms.. but the use of these hedges arises out of a fear of soemmg roo masculine by heing assertive and saying things dir~tly 5. Related to this is the usc of the intensive "so." Again. this is more frequent in women's than men's language. though .;crtainly men can use it. Here we have an attempt to bc:dge on one's !itrong_ f~hn&s.. as 1

Why Womert Are Ladies I bough

how strong. To say, "I like him ve-ry much," would be to say precisely ~that you like him to a great extent. To say, "l like him so much'' to say: I feel strongly about

thi~t

55

I dare not make it clear

weasel~

on tba! inrensity: again, a device you'd use if you felt it unseemly to show you had strong emotions, or to make strong asser· tions, but felt you had 10 say something along those lines anyway. 6. HypcrCOITcct grammar: 9;9men are net__supposed to talk rough. 'It has been found that, from a very young age, little bcys "drop" their g's_~uch!JlQre than do little girls: boys say "singin'," ·'goin'," and 110 on, while girls are less apt to. Similarly little boys are less apt than ttle girls _to_bc scolded for saying "ain't" or at least they arc scolded ,I less ~vercly, because "ain't" is more apt to remain in thetr vocabular· \ t ies than in thc.:ir sisters'. Generully women are vtcwed as being the ,\preservers of liter8C)' and culture, at least in Middle America.. where hteracy and culture arc vtewed as bc.•mg 50mewhat suspect m a male. (llust is, in cultures where learning is valued for Itself, m~n are apt to be the guardians of culture and the preservers of grammar; in cullures where book larnin' is the schoolmarm's domain, this job will be relegated to the women. Jespersen remarks somewhere that women ~more prone to neologism than men and hen~ more hkely to be the originators of linguistic change; but I think he was thinking in terms of European society of the last century, where indeed the men were virtually alway!! more highly educated than the women, and education a mark of status.) 7.~uperpolite forms. This is the point alluded to earlier: women are lUI~ to speak more politely than men. This is related to their ~rrectnes.s in grammar, of course, since it's considered more mannerly in middle-class society to speak "properly." But it goes deeper: ~omen don't u_se ~-color or indelicate expressions; women arc the _experts at euphemism; more rositively, women are tbe . rcpositorie. of tact and know the right things to say to other people,

'

lwhile rn.en cssly blurt. out. whale. ver they ar.e think.ing. W. o.men are ~~_to.~ particularly_~ful to say "pi~" and "tl!anL: you" and lo uphold the other social conventions; certainly a woman who ftils at these tasks is apt to be in more trouble than a man who does 10: in a man it's "juM like a man," and indulgently overlooked unless card.

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56 I

Language an.d Woma,. '.r Place

his behAvior is really boorish. In a woman. it's social death in ronventionaJ cucles to refuse to go by the rules. 8. ..W.OW.c."Q.d.«;~n_'t_tell jokes. As we shall see in a while. this point is JUSt an elaboration oft~ two immediately preceding. But tt as 8!1.1om&tic in maddlc-das.~ American soc:icty that, first, women can't tell ~~~they are bound to ruin the punchline, tbey mix up the order of things. and so on. Moreover, t~ey_ don't "get" JOkes. In shon, women have PQ ~~of humor. 9. Women speak in italics, and the more ladylike lllld feminine you are, the more in itali~;S you an: supposed to speak. This is anotbcr way of exprc:s.Wl£, uncertainty with your own self-expression, though this statement rnay appear contradictory: italics, if anything, seem to strengthen (note those italics) an uttellUlce. But actually they say somethins like: Here are dirtetions telling you how to react, sine~ my saying something by itself is not likely to convince you: I'd better use double force, to make sure you see what I mean. It is well known, for instance, that beginnintt students in EngliSh oomposition tend to usc italics far more than do established and oonfidcnt writers of p1"05e, precisdy because the former ~afraid. even as they wnte, that they are not being listened to, that th~ir words are apt to have no effect. There arc doubtless other devices that are pans of women's lan· B\1&3C· Some can't be described in writing because there is no c:a.'iy way to give cumpb: this is true of specifically female intonation patterns. Cnt.ainly it can be said that women have at their dis~ a wider !Jn&e.!l(inton•t•on pM_ttfftlS than do men, both witbm sentences and among full-sentence patterns. I am not sure why this is so. Possibly extra intonationa.l variety is used as a S()r1 of secondary si!!lal,_ in case the_fint was not received. Thai is, if you have reason to be afra~d you're not being listened to, or not being taken seriously, you wiU throw in utra ways for the bearer to figure out what you've saidyou'U try every mcan11 to ensure that your message is received and responded to. (fbus, if you're speaking to someone you are afraid doesn't wtdentand English very well, you'll be more prone to resort to gestures than you would be if there was no language problem.) Perhaps women rcaliz.c that they are often not being listened to, because obviously they couldn't be saying anything that really mat-

f

Why Women Art:

IAidit·.~

I

j

7

tcred. and therefore, more or le~s conscinu!!.ly, use voice patterns that tuavc a dual effect: first, of being v~ auentlon-c:uchmg in the hope that if what you have to say won't ~ perceived, at least the addre.<~See will hear how you're saymg it; and then, ~nee pitch and str~s carry some semantic force, the speaker may hope that so~ of the message will percolate: through by that mean~. though 11 m1ght ~ lost rf stated only once, by words alone. II may he for this reason as well that women arc more prone to gesture as they speak than arc mt.-n. All this is speculation, though I think interesting speculation. A first objlX:tion that might occur to these poml'i is that men can usc '!'irtually ev~ry ite_!llon this list; some mc:n, surely. u..e none, some U!ioe some. and some maybe even use all. The latter is very often the case with academic men; and I think that the decisive factor is less .w.~I.Y ~der than power in t~ real world. But rt happens that. a<; a result of natural gender, a woman tends to have, and certainly tends ~ feel she has. little real-world power compared with a man; so senerally a woman will be more apt to have th~ us~ than a man will. It is equally true that diff~ent women spesk women's language to differing extents: and interestingly enough. it ~ms that academic women are among the lea-.t apt to be speakers of this language. But this may be because women who have sucet'Cded in academe have m
!

"Vi!%..

4 58 I Language and Woman's Ploct

might avoid it, but might use it habitually at home, perhaps not even realizing you are making the switch.) It has recently boen suggested by Cheris Kramer (in hychology Today, June 1974) that these claims are iJ"laC(..'Ufllk. Her reason is this: that in questionnaires that they filled out, women did not indicate that they used .. women's" language nor did men indicate that they necessarily considered these traits peculiar to women. There ~ several things to be said in reply to this. First. it has never been claimedas 1 have said already-that men can't use these forms, Ot" that women must. What I have said is that women use them, or are likely to use them, in a wider range of linguistic, psychological, and social environments-that womrn typically lack assertiveness. for one thing, in more contexts than men do. (Obviously there will be exceptions.) Second, the device of the interview in these cases is suspect. Ailing prople how they feel about linguistic fonns makes them self-conscious about them; they may feel that if they say "yes," they will be disa~ proved of, Ot" that you're not a nic.e person if you don't answer "right.," however "right" may be construed in a given instance. Thi.c> may not even be explicitly realized but can skew the figures aU the same. And very often, people simply are-n't aware of what they say; it takes a trained linguist to have the "ear" for that And it is probably true that the more potentially embarrassing the questions are, the more distortion (whether c.onscJous or not) can be expected. And questions raising concern over one's masculinity or femininity, or the proper role for one's sex, are certainly embarnlss.ing. So it's unsafe to tale such a questionnaire at face value. Another problem with many tests that have been made for recognition of "women's language" is that they have depended on written samples (one example I k.now of used freshman composition themes). Not too surprisingly, these tests tend to show that little or no rorrela· lion is found by the subjects between the sex of the actual writer of the piece and the sex ascribed to him or her. This finding, however, is deceptive. If you look at the list of distinguishing criteria for women's language that I gave ear her, you will note that most of _the du.racteristics arc a{)UQ_~ found. 011{}' in g~Qken. or at least highly informal, style.

• Why Worntn Are LAdies I

59

This is because they are personal markers:_th~y signal to the addressee how_th~speaker (eels about what she: (he. of course. in the analogous cases of men's language) is $0lying, and how the speaker hopes or e~"tpects thai the hearer will ruL·t. Such commentary is a part of informal style--person-to-person friendly SQCC-"Ch, and sometimes. though increasingly rarely these days, leu~rathc:r than formal style-lectures and most forms of writing. In parti.::ular, freshman composition style JS notorious for its awkward formality, owing to uneasiness in wnting. and is the last place one would look for personal characterization, indicative of rhe writer's feeling of comfortllble ra()port with a potential reader. Cartoon captions. minus the cartoons of c.oursc., which have also been used 11s a testing device, will also produce suspect results, because they are not part of connected dialogue and because they are contextless. l11e criteria I listed above were not intended as yes-or-no certainties. What I said was that m~t women would use most of them in a wider range of psychological and social environments than most men wo_uld (a very hedgy st.a~ment, but what did you expect?), because women tend to feel unwilling to assert themselves in a wider range of circumstances than men do. Hence, one can judge whether something is "women's language," "men's language," or "neutral" only with reference to the rea.J-wor]d context in which it was uttered-a complex and subtle combination of judgments that would be virtually impossible to reproduce in a natur-41 way in an experimental situation. There's another point, and that is that_~ stereotypical !mag~ma~ ~JM more inft~~ti~__tb)ln__a {mere}..J1a~tica1 CC)rr~a~ion. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that no real female person in the United States actually speaks any form or dialect of women's language. Yet there arc the innumerable women we see on television, who whether we like it or not form role models for young girls. Maybe Edith Bunker is not presented as a wholly believable or admtrable figure, but certainly she is presented as a conceivable female type, one that some~ might eventually aspire to fit into. Edith Bunker is obviously an extreme Cll."!e. but almost every woman you see in the media h.as many traits ofwomen'slanguage butlt into her speech. And these sterc:otyptcaJ women, I fear, have great in.fluenc.e over the young: I recall. as a

60 I

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Language and Woman's Place

child, worrying because I didn't fit the pattern for which women were: being ridiculed in jokes I beard on television. I wasn't fuzzy-minded, I didn't care if another girl at a party wore the same dress I did, I wasn't extravagant, and so on. It frightened rather than cheered me to reali7.e this discrepancy between the female stereotype and myself: I feared I'd never make it. True, I didn't (at least I hope I didn't) remake myself to fit the stereotype, but seeing that image there continua.lJy in a thousand variations did nothing for my self-image: first, because that was the best I, as a girl, could hope to aspire to; second, and maybe worse, because I couldn't even manage that role. Maybe 1 was especially vulnerable, but I feel that the stereotypes we see in the media are far more inftuential than we tike to think they are, and they should be taken very seriously indeed. Another thing I have sometimes been accused of saying, and would take exception to, is that women have all the problems, that it's ea.'iy for men: they aren't constrained or bound into roles; their lives 11.re simple. Nothing is further from the truth, or my mind. Larry Josephson has shown, in an unpublished paper discussing men's language, that men are just 11.. '1 constrained in what they are supposed, and not supposed. to say as are women. For instance, men i1! most occupations and social strata may not _use et1_1pty adjectives or let on that they know the meanings of words like "kick pleat" or "braise." If men are t()() grammatical or too polite in their speech, they are viewed with suspicion. Men are supposed to be:_ in _COillJUand of a. whole different range of lexical items, and woe betide a man in some circles if he doesn't know the name and function of everything in his car. He generally is expected to know how to swear and how to tell and appreciate the telling of di.uyjokes, and certainly must never giggle when he hears them. Constraining as all this is, I feel it is constraining in a less damaging way than are the confines of women's language on its speakers. The question to 11...c;k is: What happens to people who are taught to speak the language, and then speak it? What are the rewards? If a man learns to speak men's_language, _and is otherwise unambiguously placed in his society as a man, his is a relatively (and I say only relatively) simple position. His rewards, in the traditional cui-

__:___________,,.,

..;-_.,.,.,.-t~o<~~-··,

..... . ....... ~

~

~

~

Why Women Are Ladies I

61

ture, are easy to see._ H~ i_s listened to and taken seriously; he becomes one of the boys and can engage in various kinds of camaraderie, achieving closeness to his buddies by the language all share. the slang and dirty jokes bringing them closer to each other. His learning of his proper language brings purely positive results, in terms of how people react to the way he talks. No_t so forthe woman. If she doesn't learn to speak women's lang_l.!!ge, iAtr~
men

62 I

Language and Woman's Place

ing as it i'\, •s..no.t parado~cal:J[_h~ s~a._k:!' {and_ generally behaves) as '!len in_his culture are supposed tQ,_ he gt~era.ll_y g_aJns people's respect. But whkhever course t_l!e ~011!1!11 tak,es;--to speak women's language or not t~ -~he will 110t be respect~. So ~;he cannot carry out the ordl.'T, and the order is transmitted by society at large; there is no way to question it, no one even to direct the question to. Bateson claims that if someone IS cAposed to a double-bind in childhcx:'ld, he may hecome schi1.0phrenic and that, indeed, double-binds are found in many schi:wphrenogcruc families. Now clearly it would be ridiculous to claim that therefore women arc typ•cally schi7.ophrenic in a clirucal sense. But certainly it is true that more women than men are institutionaliz.ed for mc:ntJil illneis; women form the huge majority of psychiatric patients. It may be that men and women start out with the same psychological equipment, but fighting the paradoxes a woman necessarily faces tends to break down a woman's mental resources; therefore a woman is more apt to run into mental difficulties and, when she iaces real stress, to have fewer inner resources left to overcome her problems. So it is jusr possible that society is putting a far greater strain on its women than on it.s men, and it is time to ask whether thi!> is true, and if true, bow the burden may be equalized. Finally, it should be noted that the _d~stinction between me11's and women's lao&uagc js a symptom of a pmblem in our culture. not the problem 1tsclf. Basically it reflects the fact that men and women are expected to have dilferent interests and different roles, hold different types of conversations, and react diff~:rently to other people. This point is made cpca:h levels is the distinction between mro's and women's spca:h. Panly these differences operate within the larger sy~tem of speech level!:. For example, women make more u~~e of the deferentiaJ prefix o- and of elegant and eu.lted verb

Why Women Are Ladiet I

63

forms than do men, etc., and cenain of tbe!!e ar.pects have a.lr~dy been r.ouched upon above in our brief summary of the levels system. But SC'Xual differentiation in JapanC8e also mcludes dtlferent K"~ of!.entencefinal panicles for men ( . . zo. ... ~.... u. etc.) and for women ( wa, ... M), as well as different repertories of interjectionl! for ~ch group. Women also fa.,.or variant pronunciations of cert&in forms (gozamasu for go.z.aimasu). But m general the diiTerences he-twa.-n men's and women's speech are too far-reachmg and too ~k)SC!y interdependent upon oontent and style to admit of any simple summary. Put most briefly. women in Japanese society traditionally tall ahout different things than men do, or at the very lQ.~t. they say different things even when they talk about the same topics. l11i.'i makes ir difficult and even pointless to attempt to give typical equivalent exprc:s..o;ion.'l in men's and women's speech, since in mOflt situations the content and topic will differ as much as would the formal verhal eAprcssion. The following brief text is a good example or f11irly elegant but otherwise quite run-<>f-the-mill women's speech:

II am omitting Miller's Japanese dialogue here lor convertience, and using only the English tramdations Miller gives alongside.] My, what a splendid garden you have here--the lawn is so nice and big, it's certainly wonderful, isn't it'! 8. Oh no, not at all, we don't takl' care of it at all any more, so it simply doesn't always look as nice as we would lile 11 to. A. Oh no. I don't think ~ at all-but $mce it's such a big garden, of cour5e it must be quite a tremendou~ task to take care of it all by yourseJf; but even so, you certainly do manage to make II look mce all the time: it certainly is nice and pretty any time one Set!.'l it. B. '-io, I'm afraid not. not at all ...

A.

Thi~

English venion,.a fairly literaltf nnt woro-for-word translation of the Japanese, will make it clear that in every !>enst this i~ a 11ery special k.iud of discourse. WbaL is being said here is not at alltmporuot; the only thing of any concern to either spcalcr is the way in which it is being saJd. and the number of times the same thmg can be repeated. And it is r~lly pointless to ask wbat the cquivaknt of all this would be m men's speech, b.."Causc: Japanese men would not carry on m this way about IUlything, particularly about gardens. A male equivalent text for speaker A would ~imply be, ii niwa da rui, "it's a nice garden, isn't it," and that would be the end of it; to tbis the reply of speaker B, if any, would most likely be a ~ub-linguistic grunt, as a sign of aclmowledgemcnt or ofpolitcdemal.'

1. R. A. Miller, The Japcll'lese Languagt (Chicagn: llni11en;iry of Chicago Press, 1<167). pp. 21N-90.

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6.f

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I Anguage and WontQn 's Place

We wiU ~lum to I his point later: it wiU be seen to be equally valid, 1f sometimes Jess striking, in Americu dialogue:. But I think Miller's major point is unquestionably valid: typical "men's talk" is done for a different purpose than typical "women's talk." The diffe~occs be· tW(."efl the two arise largely out of this.

2 /forms of Politeness With these facts in mind, we can return to our original question: Wby llH:~om~n~!Jl'~ to_~~o~ "~!i!e'' than_E~en. and why is it ~nsidercd no:cs.sary for men to be more "polite.. in the presence of~on:!en? And, a related quest1on: If, as is often suggested, politeness is developed by societies in order to reduce frktion in personal interac· tion, why do many feminists fed a6ronled by these special womenrelated form~ of "politeness," and why do they feel that tbey must be abolished if true equality betw~n the sexes is ever to he attained? The fact that diffttent cultura; may adjudge the same act in the -~me circumslJlneeS polite or rude indicates that there must be more than one rule of ..politeness"--tha.t is.. that some cultures will apply one rule preferentially, at a given state m a relationship, where another will apply another. Also we are aware that certain oft he ingredi· ents of "politeness" may be combmcd with one another, or may coexist~thers are mutually e.-.clusive. Again, thi:s suggests the exis~ce of sevellll rules, working together or separately as the case may be. ldcajly the J!ules of Politenes~ when fully and corroctly formulated. should be able to predict why, in a particular culture, a particular act in a particular c-ircum.c;tance is polite, or not polite; and should also be valid for both linguistic polite bch11vior (saying "please"; using "formal" pronouns in language'~ that have such fonns) and nonlinguistJc politeness (opemng doors for othen; bnng10g wine to your dinner host). As a first attempt.! su_g~_t three suc_h_rules; I feelthal at l~t these three arc needed. Although at first glance it seems possible and attractive to compres.o; them into one, closer examination reveals that by doing so we would lose the abiluy to make predictions

,

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Why Women An LAdiEs I

65

of certain kinds about the types of behavior and judgments that occur The rules arc as follow$: I. Fonnality: keep aloof. 2. DefereJ!~: give ~ions 3. Camaraderie: show symm-thy _

..... ~

·.

Tbe fint of these rules is perhap8 the one most prominent in eti· quette book.'> and other con'>tderahon& of formal politenes..~ We see it in those languages that dilferent_iate between a formal and an infonnal Yf!.U." _when the formal you is in use, the eft"ect is to create ~istancc between speaker and addressee. Legalese :~nd medicalese, for various reasons known best to their speakers, also utilize this rule in their usc o( technica.l terminology. This distances ~ker both f[()m ad~ an.d from what he is saying, implying that there is no emotive contf'nt t.Q_Jlis utterance. and thus thc_participants c11n remain aloof. In this way, it is wise to Lllk about carr:inomo flltber_than _.:_ancer. which carries unpleasant emotional connotatium;. By using t~ terms, the doctor (or anyone who uses jargon, including of course all of us academics) nwo~ms both distance from and superiority over his ad~ Another example is what might be called the AcadL·nnc ~~ve: "In this pa~r it has been shown. . . ·• Nrophyte autbor.> are often advised to u.c;e active sentence!': the reason ts that the active voice indi~.;.atcs involvement on the part of the speaker or writer. and thereby invit~ the participation, or sympathy, of the reader or hearer. But if you !tii.DUo appear cooiMd above it all, you usc the passive, and this is what academics are prone ro do. Another such dcvi~ is the ac__adem· ~l;:~ulh9rial_ we (in papers by a sing~ author), pBrallel in function ro the plwal W1u.~ (as opposod to tu) in Frcnc:h. and to be distinguished from the various other non-first-person plural wt.-'s (the editorial and royal we; the we reserved for talking to children, II.S m "Now let's IJc our 'lhOl"ll, Md then we'll rake a nice nap"). H)'JX'Tcorrcct forms and !l\IO~ of colloquial~'!' are another mesos of acbjeving distance__. and the u~ of titles (Mr., Dr., Sir, and "> on) plus \a.\t name: still another. NtmlinguiMically, formlll dre!IS, Which is always uncomfortable and generally .:oncealing. plays just this role . One final example of the usc of Rule I 1s the 1m~_onaJ _pronoun

...-------, r 66 I

Language and Woman's Place

onel pal1icularl~· when used as a substitute f9JJ'OU q_r_l. To Americans, the British scc:m especially devoted to Rule 1 roliteness. and one indication of their addiction to this rule is, in fact, the many ways in which one may be used in standard British English, and not 10 Am~ri can English at all: "~ feds~wful abQ_u~ that" seems, if l read novels by British authors correctly, to be the translational equivalent of ''I feel awful about that." I think I have also seen in British novels dialogue !Ouch as "One shouJdn't have done that now, should oneT' as an admonition to a second person. The second rule, that of deference, ma_y bt_u~ aJoll~_Qrin CQCilbiOcttloR Y.'!d:~_either of t)l~ otherJ\lVO_rules, while }:tule l_3..1!d Rul~ 3 are m..lllllaJJY e~cluf>ivc:. The application of tbi~ rule m.Ues it looJc as thou_gb_ Lbc o12!ion ILS.JQ how JO_benav~ Qr wh~t t9 _do_. is ~g lefl up lQ llie add!"_~- Of course. this is very often mere !iltam or convention. wbm the speaker knows very well that he has the power to enforce a decision. Most forms of Rule I behavior lend to suggest that the speaker's social status is superior ro that of th~ addressee; g~er ~ly_ Ruk 2 w!iteness ~nveysL~h~th~r _really_ or convc:n_!!onally, the superiority oJ the add!~ ()V_er the _speaker. Examples of Rule 2: hesitancy in ~h llild_8ftion _gen~rall_y, Questi()ll intona!ion an~ tag qucstiQ11i!lK are Rule 2 related devices as long as the speaker is not really uncertain about the truth of his assertion. HedjCS. similarly, work this way: tbey leave the addrcs.sce the option of deciding how seriously to take what the speaker is saying. It is for this reason that "John is sorta short" may be, in the right context, 11 polite way of saying "John i!> short," rather than a scaled-down comment on John's a.ciUal height. Finally, and parallel to the use of technical terms that was cited above as a Rule I device, we find euphemisms u.-.ed in a~ordance with l!u_le 2. They are similar ir1 that both skirt an issue, and thus are ways of discussing a touchy subject while pretending to be doing somc:thing dse. But ttthnical terms evade the issue by saying, in effect: Well, this would be: touchy if we were emotionally involved, but no, we an: remote. so touchin~-; doesn't arise. Euphemisms grant that the su_b:_ ject is~!lchy, b~t prc:temi that it is not the matter under discussion. Hence we find academic wnting replete with te~;hnical terms when it

Why Women Are Ladies I

67

~ objectivity and scholarly aloofness that is desired: but we find cocktail party chitchat full of euphemisms, since when we gos!;ip we aren't after remoteness, but we do want to avoid offense by avoiding coming head on with ideas that may not be fully palatahlc when made ex.plicit. Thus, neither the doctor writing on sexual practices in a lc:amcd text nor the hostess talking about the doings of her friends to mutual friends might wam h.l use the straight four-letter word that most directly describes the situation. So the doctor expounds: "'Copulation may also be enhanced by the use of oleaginous materials," and the hostess gush~. "'Selma told me she found Jimmy and Marion doing it with mayonnaise!" Eup_hemisms, then, are Rule 2 related because they a..Uow the addrnsee the option of ~ing not to be ~ng what he actuaJJy is bearing, although again the pretense is conventional: both speaker and addressee know full well what it is that they an~ discussing, or else, of course, the discussion would founder, as it occasionally does when the euphemisms become too thick or too arcane for perception. The third rule is sometimes said not to be part of politeness, but in American society, gestllfes of friendliness are certainly considered in thi~ category: it is onJy in (Rule I linlcd) fonnal etiquette treatises that the two are not connected, and this is as we would exped. sm<X u I !laid, Rulc_l and Rule 3 are mutually eAclusive. You cannot be extending the hand of fric:ndship and stepping back aloofl.y at once. &Ill you can combine Rule 3 with Rule 2: you can be friendly and deferential, ju.c;t as you can combine Rules 1 and 2, to be aloof but defttmtial. As we shall see, bow many and which of the rules you apply in a given situation are determined by your subculture as well aa by your personal psychological makeup. The p_wpofie Q[ RuJe_.l_is _to_ make the addresseeJ~l _r__~ i_h_~ ~~cr · limJ!im. and wants to~- frii,''r.tQly J"ith llil!l~. is inte~!~ tn him, and 10 on. Like the other rules it can ~ rc:aJ orco_nventio11_aJ. For instance, .t.JcksJ.apping is a well-known nonliuguistic Rule 3 device. And it can be done where real camaraderie is felt, for instance.. between friends, ooe of whom is glad to see the other after a long absenc.e; or it can be done by a salesman to a (male) prospect, concurrent with telling bim dirty jokes, another Rule 3 related device, and here conventional

68 I Language and Woman's Place again Col1Qqui!lll~~~A~8e~l"!l!~ i!_B_I}I~. _3_linked, &'i is the usc of four-letu:r words. rather than either the technical terms of Rule I or the euphemisms of Rule 2. Saying the tbi!l.&..peakcr and hearer exists or may exist; the th.~ imphes_fu!!._g_a!!_t~ani~m. Of course, problems may arise, as they often do in a college class where the professor invites the students to call him (or her) by imt name. Th~~ students sense that this equality is conventional, since the professor dearly ha.'i perquisitc:s they do not possess; and further, if they attempt to extend the invitation to include other Ruk 3 devices Oike backslapping or friendly teasing) they may ~ in for a big surprise when the friendship suddenly cool.,. lt should be clear by now that three separate rules are needed to arrive even at a minimal definition of politffiess (and clearly there are plenty of residual problems, which I w1U not worry about here}. So a lag question when used for politene:;s is pUTely in the realm of Rule 2, but the use of pleasi! an a request involves both Rule I (the speaker is indicating some distance) and RuJe 2 (be is acting probably conventionally as though the addressee might refuse). And an i.njunction like ''You wanna sc~. baby?" has elements of both Rule 2 and Rule 3. But combining Rules 1 and 3 seems unlilc.ely: we might end up with: .. Wanna screw, Professor Jonesr• or perhaps: "Wanna copulate, baby?" It ~ould be evident too that diffc:rent cultures consider these rules

o{ djffc;r~~-fltil~- ~~'!_~er d~fferen_! C?Ddlri~ns. So, for eumple, let us consider the case of belching after a meal in public. S1Andard American society frowns on this; classical Chinese society, on the other hand, considen it the polite thing to do. Can our rules account for the way these two cultures behave? Here we have a situation that mig:ht be viewed in either of two ways. You might feel that any internal ph~ica.l pr()C(.."''S, made explicit and evident to the outside world, was. an intrusion on other people's privacy. So you would attempt to :~uppress or oonceal any such act

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Why Women Are 1.-adies I 69 ia public. Not only is belcbmg thought of this way, but so are sneezing aad coughing (etiquette manuals warned people to cover their mouths wbcn performing these acts long before the genn theory of disease was tnown). Thus you don't remove food from your mouth after you've c:bewed it, or wipe your nose on your sleeve (where the evidence that you did so will remain in full view of others). All these are violations 9i RuJe I. Of course, you can violate Rule 2 at the same time, and !Peke matt.ers even worse: it's nor good manners to spit in your soup at • dinner party, but it's unspeakable to spit in your neighbor's, thus dcuying him his autonomy. But there are other ways of viewing a belch. You might thlni: of it as an expression t)f repletion, indicating satisfaction "Mlh the quality aod quantity of the fea."'t, the more powerful because it IS (supposedly) hlvoluntary. (Of course. in Chinese society, I would not be surprised tfthe conventionalized artificial belch existed. rather like our artificial J&vm.) In this case, belching is viewed a.'i an application of Rule 3JOU have said something nice to your host, made him feel appreciated. So how you categom..e a particular act may determine whether it is to he considered polite according to one rule, or rude according to another. Or it 1Jl3Y be that there is an order of precedence among the rules, dctcrm!nin.&. JV_hich_ is preferentially ~pplied ~t v~ou~ points ~ a nlotionsJJi_p. and Jhts ma.Y. differ between t:;ultures. I am suggesting bere that the rules as stated are univet"Sal: in no society, it is my prdiminary prediction, will there be no reftcu:s of any of these rules; tNt one society may apply Rule I every chance it gets, to the very ldv.nced stages of intunacy, and another will switch to Rule 3 with lllinuginable celerity. When members of these two hypotheticaJ cuJ'-es meet, it is analogous to the meeting of matter and antimatrer: en explosion takes place. This happens s.1l the time: one speaker says a..ething meant to indicate warmth and friend'ihip; the second ~faker backs away. ending the exchange abruptly, muttering, "He ... some nerve!'' The first speaker wander-8 off, musing, "Now what's matter with Jum?" Cob8idff what h~tppens when an American, • German. and a 1apa· meet. Suppose they all want to make a good impression and to

70 I

LanguaR~

aruJ Woman's Place

be "pohtr" according to their own standards. Cban\XS ace, unles5 the

members of the group are very sophisticated and have bad prior exposure to the other cultures, the American wtU soem to the others overly brash, familiar, and prying; tbc Japanese will ~m cloyingly dcferent1al; the Gcnnan "·ill S«m distant and uniurenskd in the others to the pomt 11f arrogance. So they will part, tach think.ing the other.~ a~ thoroughly detestable ~:cause of indiVlduaJ personality defects. And if cad met:ts other members of the otba cultures dutnccs are these fu-se impn:·ss.ions "rill be reinforced, until national stereotypes are fonned: Americans are ''too personal"; Jap&ncsc are "ruo humble": Germans are "too stiflf. ·· A~o""tually, what tS happening IS that each is conforming to a cultuntl stereotype of what constitutes polite ~havior toward a slight acqu.a.inl.lll)ot. At this stage of a relationship. a German will emph.asiz.c Rule I, a Japanese Rule 2, and an American Rule 3. (These are of COUJ'S(! the stereotypical norms; there are plenty of participants in these cultures whose rule application, for various idiosyncratic reasons, is diJfc:rent.) Now a.-. a rclationstup increases in familiarity, the Japanese will start moving toward the incorporation of Rule 3 along with bti8 Rule 2: so be will always. probably, 5oeem a bit mo~ deferenti.alt than an American will, but ultimately he will seem frie"dly and defereutial. The German, after a suitable interval of acquaintanceship, will gradually drop the Rule I related devices and start acquiring tbte forms of Rule 3, but it wiU take hun some time. So it is not t1utr the three cuitUJ'Q have three different rules as to bow to be polite; it':s ju.'lt that they have diJI'crent conditions on the applicability of tbe tl1ree rules they share. As Miller noted in the eAcerpt given above. ~nv~tion~in which pojn~es.'! i,!i_~_maior c_ritcrion (~r:: ~'tability ~c ~fa§~ kind: tltc:y OQn~.t ,~__k to impar~ real-world _information, but rather are lariel.Y enpged in for the J>U.fP05e of communiqlting one's own feelings about one's addressee, and garneritllg ~c intuition about his f~~~~d one. So it isn't important what you say, really, but ~1h~r_hQ_W. you say it, and, perhaps, also, why you ~y it. If I say, "It's cold out," to someone who is hesitating as to .,.hkh of two eo&ts to put on. I am probably expressing real-world information prinlATily; but if 1 say it to someone I have just mer at a bus stop, no mformation

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71

~ well as I do); rather. I'm trying to intefllCt with him and form a friendship, however 5bort-1Jvcd. In the first mst.ana, politeness is no< involved; Ln the tcCOnd, we roigbt ~y I was engaged in a Rule 3 type of situation since I was principally expres.••ing a desire for acquainWlcc:ship. This is an important point, since we shall find it useful to separate the rWt$ by which we structure polite ulleranc('.S, and decide whether they are appropnate, from the parallel sorts of rules we use for deciding the contextual appropriateness of utterances in circu~nccs when politeness is not at i<>Sue. In the laner cases, we seek to communicate information: to appri<~e an addr~ of information we have, but he docs not ba"e and needs to lmow, by the least circuitous route. If we are concerned with the pure transmission of factUAl knowledge, any communication that does not meet the criteria just listed will be an ahcrrant or failed cmnmun.ication, while if we are talking for wme other purpo-;.e, the same utterance may be eminently

ia being oommllllicatcd (sincx he knows it's cold

Succe>.~ uJ.

A system of rules by whtch factual information may best be conveyed has been proposed hy H. P. Grice in his paper '1be LQgic of Cony~tiQn." In this work, Gnoe proposes four bMtc Rules of Conversatton, which we can summarize as foiJows: 1

I. 2. 3. 4.

Quality. Say only what is true. Quantity. Say only as much, and just as much, as is necessary Relevance. Be relevant. Manner. Be peTSpicuous. Don't be ambiguous. Don't be obscure.

Be suc<:inct. Qearly tbes.e rules. like the Rules o( Politeness propo6ed earlier, leave mucb to be desired m terms of specificity: how does one tell if a potential conv~tional contribution 1s "relevant'"? ''Nece'1Sat)'"? But they arc useful gUJdehnes. Once also notico that a great deal of ~tuaJ convcrsarion JS m violatiOn of these rules. yet IS not n<mnally cnnaidcrcd ~t~rrant, nor is there usually any problem m undentandin&.. the force or purpose of such nonconforming contributions. He Jives as one example the ca.sc of a letter of recommendation for a fellowship that states: ''Miss X has ntc.e handwriting." Now at first

, 71 I Language and Woman's Place glanl:e, this is a violation of quantity and/or relevance. h is not nocessar)' to know about a fellowship candidate's handwriting m order to judge if the candidate is worthy of receiving ~upport. What Grice says is that. by its very (apparent) irrclcvan~. the statement imphes something cltt.e, approximately: "On a fellow~hip recommendation one 1s supposed to say only favorable things about the candidate. Well, this is the only point in Miss X'!> favor that I know of. £rxo. th1s statement imphe$ another: 'M1ss X does not deserve to get the fellowship, since she has no relevant good qualitielj. · "This is what Gri~ refers to as a conversational implicature. The important questi<>n for us bere 1s: W!.ty.fqr wh~)_is &t u.~fu) to ~jUl_plicatu_re? Why_ not always ~peak logically, dtrectly, and to !.b~ ~in_!?

Here we have a suuation in which the rules of conversation would come into conflict wtth one or more oft he rules of politeness. We have a VIolation of the third rule of politeness, applied indirectly; that is. to say what we have to 5aY c!!.plicitly would be making Miss X look bad, and feel bad, if she knew. There IS a colloquial principle that expresses this notion: "If you can't say something nice, don't ~y anything at all" A clearer illu.o;tration of tbe conflict can be found in cases in which it is the addr~ whose fccling.t~ would be directly impinged upon. So I might say, ''It's cold m here." and mean hy 1t any of the following: I. Why didn't you dose tbe wmdow? 2 You borrowed my favorite sweater. 3. Let's go into another room. 4. You're going to make me ca.tch cold. And so on. Now, saymg any of 1-4 wlll violate some rule of politeness, probabl~ 2 or 3 or a combination. Generally, i~ph.:aaure sc:cm"' to_bc used IS ._Rule 2 related device: a m~s of letting the addrc;sec: ha,.-e the tw;ncfit of tbc doubt, L~ome to his own conclu:o.ions (again. often merely by convention, since there i~ usually only one meaning to be derived from the utterance). So we can say that Grice's Conversational Principles arc:- usable only in ca.'IC there is no po!'Sibility of cocft1ct with t~ Rul~ of Politeness, or in sitwttions in whlch polite convcn>ation is not felt to he required, where pure information is to

Why Women Are l.oJdies I

'!3

be tran.'iffiitkd, information about the outside world, rather than about the personal and int,::rpenonal fcdings of the speaker and the addres.o;ee_ And. consequently. the l~s speaker and addressee wish to communicate about their personal feelings, the more likely it is that ~ulesofConvcrsation will be in effect, pem1itting the participan~ in the discourse to say what they need to say, and stop thcre. So Rule J 1ypc politenos l..!r.COusonant with application of the Rul~ of Con\·c::rsation: but Rule 2 and 3 pohtcn~ sttuations ~A~II for the u~ of stalcment.s whose me.aoing :is derivable by the Mtion of conversational implicature. So, to paraphrase Miller agam, what you llre talking about has a grc:at deal of mfluencc on !'tow you will say it: directly and stra1ght, or indirectly IUld repetitiously. The former excmpbtics the strict use of Grice's principles, the IaUer of c.onversational implicawrc. We may also note that it i!;_lUlloo& the misogynistic_~er~}ty~_ m 01_:!!: culture that women cannot follow the rules of conver.;ation: that a wom.1:0's discourse is necessarily ind1irect, repetitious, meandering, unclear, cxagger.lt~-:-thc ant_!_th~is

o!_evcry o11e of G~ce·s_principl~~!ulc o.f

~ur.-e

a man's s~h ~ _dt:!'.r, ~ired, precise, and to the po~nt. Now obviously to hold thi.s belie~( literally is idiotic, since everyone knows plenty of women who habitually speak straighter than plenty of men. But, as I remarked earlier, stereotypes are oot to~ ignored; ~rst, .bccau~ for a stereotype to eno;t, it must be an exaggeration_ of som~ thin& that i~ in fact in existence and able to be recognized: and second, hcauv: one measuro oncsdt for better or wo~ according to how wclJ or poorly one conform~ to the stereotype one is supposed to

c::rmfurm to.

3 / \\lotnen and Politeness I~

vl!lue-ladeu way oflooking at things is to say that the .lti::RQL)'pcd tmage of men'~; ~pcech is that itJum.:tions in accord with 1hc ruJcs of conversation, and of women'<.! spcx:ch, that it tends to make Another,

U I lAngvagr and Wom!4n'.s Piau y.r!c;i~ !J5e of the properties of implicatur1e. There IS no particular reason to suppose that there is extra virtue inherent in tbe men's way:

if people think so, it is because men in this culture tend to impose their value judgments on everyone, so that tbe men's way of doing things becomes the "good way," and the women's way the bad way. II would be better to thjnk of the situation in these terms: !.b~r:e jlt'e two po$Sjble CQJ:t~tiQn~~ty!es (with, of course, infinit1e possibilities for mixtures and intersections); one style fends to pr.e4o!flina(,C; in men'_s sp_eech, anothe~ i!!_ ~Q_men's. This might be true in either of t,..o ways: more rn~ mi,gl!L~t;>itual_ly ad(lpt one style ~l:y)_!DOre women the other; or, IJ)eq_ in ~eral would tend to use~ ll)O!_e_ of ~;me sty)e, !h~ugh sometirnJ:S f~11g_into tbe other; and t!le s.a.mte with women. The !!tt~ KaW~ to be the truth that underlies the stereotype. In general and in traditional American culture (we are not tal~Jng about academia here, for reasons already noted) women will ten_cl to_spe:a.k with reference to the rules of politeness, conversati!)na] jrnplica~urc, and interper· ~ expJoration; rnen wiiJ tend to speak with reference to the rules of conversation and straight factual communication. It seems to be true of both men and women. however, that wben the crunch comes, the rules of politeness will supenc:de the rule:!> of c.onven.ation: better be unclear than rude. If this is a viable hypothesis, there is a rdationship among several things that are stated to be generally true of ~__9men: they arc .more interest«~ in interpersonal discovery thJlfl ip 9iscJ,JSSion of e.xtemal things; and women are ladies, more polite than men are. The first creates the second. and the second no doubt c~xpedites the first in turn. Again, it is important to remember that n~:ither of these two styles i.s &oocLo.r ba__d~ each _is valuable in tts QWJI son_!ext. But men and women both err_iftbey cannot switch rea.d.ily (roo:umc style to the other M tb4;_ sit~tiop warrants. It may be that the traditional woman could not easily switch styles when necessary, and the stereotype is true in that sense; but it is equally true that th'e traditional mao cannot switch out of his straight-from-the-shoulder pose; and this is just as damaging. But, as with jokes as we shall see below, men make up tl!e 11t~r~typcs. and groups typically don't iQvent§t~reQ.t.Y~ lll>o~t tbeJ!l· ~but about otl!c;T gro~,&J!S .. Hence it is tltte dominant group in a

_j

Why Women Are lAdies I

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75

societ)' that establishes srereorypes of the other groups. and decides which groups, on the basis of these SK'Trotypes, are ''good" and "bad." The job of people who find themselves, as members of nondominant groups, ~ing stereotyped is not nec.cssarily to decide that there is no truth underlying the stereotype and that therefore the stereotype 1s bad and must be destroyed (though this may sometimes be true); but it may a_lso_~Y/Q[thwhil~ to a,<;sume that t}!~~~SQille truth behind lhe stereotype. but Lhat what itrepr~J}ts -~a gQOd trait rather than the bad one it had been assumt:d b)' the dominant group to be. Women sometimes realize this: thus, It had been n1omatic in our \.·ultur~ for some time that Wamt!D Jacked ~$iveness and that this was a bad thmg about women, a reason why they'd never make it in the real world, and never had. Women had two_possible optiO!lS for l,icaling with this stereotype: to deny it, provinA they_~~rc: just as pugnacious as men, or to reaffirm it and take nonaggressiveness to be a virtue. Di!'cn:nt groups have done different things in this regard, but certainly rhe latter position is a strong one. We must not continue to be brainwashed. We may ask how these two styles establish themselve:s as sex-linked traits. Is it inherent, and thus inevitable? Or is it J~ed at an early age? Evidence for the latter ss that some women don't learn the predominant female style; this is a hopeful augury, since we miglll eventually learn bow to educate aU children to be equally ftuent in both speech types. The 4i~ti.QctiQ'l1W~.!.t~xe~ly age: psychologists studying children in nursery school have found that little boys _.ready tend to communicate about e.xternaJ tbings-bualding garaces. having battles, and so on-while little girls are more apt to talk about their own and other ~pie's feelings, about each other, and about tht.."U' socialization panems (who is best friends with whom, and s.o on). As mentioned previously, other studies have shown that little lirls are "politer" in speech than boys of the same ag~:. so we may assume that these two styles of behavior_ ar~ learned togeth~, as we would expect. Another question raised at the outset of this discussion has not yet been answered: Not only are women more polite, but men are !>Up~ ~o bemore polite around women t_han they are with ea<.:h otht.:r:.

76 I

Language and Womars 's Place

further, this sort of politeness is probl_emat~: if_t,ll_~ pqrpose of I}OlitclleiS-isJo 9ec.r~ frictionand promote friendshi_p, ~by drxs rnen-toW.Qffiep ~Jjt~css so ofte11 seem c;tffcnsi~ or:_con~traming? If politeness 1s supposed to bring people closer together, allowing them to interact more easily with one anotbec, why does this special krnd of polrteness s.ecm so exclusive-w.h)'_® women resent tht: sudden ~b _fbatswecps over a roopafuJ of men when it is_realiusLtbat_:_·_thcr~e _Jadic; present'":' I think that the foelipg of ex.~lusjv~~_jlrod~~by men-to-WQ_!Jlell 12Qljtgt~oUrnUJD--ID. and I think. that examining it wiU lead us to some interesting conclusions.. We might note, first off, that there is nQ ~ornp~ra~!e e~cl~~~ f~!!le_ ~ic: there's no conversational style you are supposed to drop when a man enters the room. (There are wbooed topics, of course, mostly sexual, or rather, gynecological: women go along with men's a.ssumption that female seJtuaJ anatomy is particularly revoltmg.) On the basis of ethological studies on primates, a theory has been proposed that, wbile unattractive in many ways and certainly open to criticism in several of its aspects, oeYertheless if taken not totally literally offers a means of understanding some of the strange and rather paradoxical things that ~m to be going on. This is the notion of male bonding, as proposed by such anthropologists as Lionel Tiger. in his book Mt'n in Groups. Tiger says that in primates the males often seem to have the task of bunting together in groups for food, while the females stay behind, functioning as individuals, caring for the young. He hypothesizes that this general situation necessarily pertained in groups of primitive human beings, at least untiJ the advent of agriculture: the men hunted togetb~r_in pac~.. ~bile th~ women ~tay¢ behind, caring for their individ_~ _Ii~_si_t~_ ~d ~"ing the c]liJdrc;n. Now in order to hunt succes..'lfully-particularly since man had only primitive weapons, and was not very strong or swift in comparison With his prey-the male members of the tribe had to work to.&:t!!~r. develop effective techniques of cooperation, and learn to enjoy one another's company and minimize interpersonal friction. The -WOID.tfl._ sine~ they worked !argel}'_ alone-or, if they chooe to work together, they did not cooperate at one single task a.o; the men

Why Women A" Ladies I

did, but rather each did her tndividual job in the company of others Qf .wor~!_!l_g !S_a group. Now obviously, within the male group.~ memhen might be singled out as, say. the best archers or the fteetest runners: so that within the &eneral atmosphere of coopenttion you might find competition: but basically the males directed their efforts toward a common goal; among the females, each had her own goal iiUld succeeded as an individual. Of course, having no rec.ords of human life in those primitive times, we have no means of knowing whether this theory is correct; but Tiger discusses some characteristics of modem life that might be viewed a& stemming from those habit.; inculcated in tbe species millennia ago. In this view, it is the prcsent-
...:..• ~·

77

7!i I Language and Woman's Place because it goes deeper than the roots of the human race." Ccruunly that is the pos1tion Tiger hold~. But it is not necessary to ~pt such a pessimistic point of view. One can, as a feminist, agree that there is somethmg going on in the overwhelming majority of cultures today that can be d<.:scri~ a~ "male bonding," and may want to agroe. too. that Lhis goes back as far into recorded history as we can see, and, from primate evJdcnce. perhaps back to the very dawn of mankind. But man has changed much about himself: from (probably) am original fruit eater. he has hecome an omnivore; from a tree dweller, a ground animal; and so on. We might work toward either of two goaJs: to reduce the necessity for bonding among men, or to encourage it among women, and among all people. Or we might try aU these options, mitigating men's desire to bond, and strengthening women's. Considering the changes that have occurred only in the past decade in our views on, say, sexual normality, it doesn't seem too far-fetched that our views on the ways, necessity, and pleasures of bonding might be simtlarly altcrcxl, if pc:ople set their minds to it, before too long. Never underestimate the influence of the media. We would like, that is, not only for men to accept women as integral parts of their groups, but for women to be able to group with other loi(OJl1en as men do with men. As Phyllis Chesler points out, this is_n_ot at_pr~t normally the case: Womn~,

although :r.imiL'\r to each other in many ways. arc IJ)Qfe 1SQ{at~ of groups [Italics hers) than men arc_ Women are not consolidated into eithc:r public or powerful groups. Women as mothcn; arc "grouped" with their children (who grow up and leave them). and only tempon~rily, and supnficiaUy with o~r women: for example, in parks, at women's auxiliary functions, and at hcterosellual parties. 1

frQm

c:ach_()~er _i,_tt>mts

I think that a sUu1 is being made, in women's groups. to overcome this tendency of women not to bond. The women's movemt:nt, in referring to and addressing women universally as "sisters," is working to establish a sen~ of femaJe camaraderie, though it is still a camara2. Phyllil <..nc:sla. W01r1cn and Madrras (Ne'111 Yon: Doubleday o\ Co .. 1972), p. 270.

Why Womet1 Art /.adies I

79

derie of the underdog, just as a WASP male doesn't think of himself as a "brother" of other WASP males, but a hlack male will consider himself a "brother·· of other black males. ''Sister" really means something like: "You who are one with me in our oppression," rather than merely being an expression of pure unity. It is in &n)' case a good beginning. But perhaps even more important, for womro and for the human race generally, is establishmg patterns of bonding between hoth sexes, so that women, with their special abilities. sensitivities, and talents, may be integrated into the "real world"; and men, with theirs. may Jearn to function more smoothly in the home. The notion of bonding, if we can accept the fact that something of the sort occurs in present-day American traditional society, can aJso serve to explain some of our findings about politeness. We can see that R!ilc I_ ac_ts ~c;_aJ~:in~ gf_Q.i~_u.yc! of~_11_!ling, saying as it does: Keep away. B.!!.l~_)_._ OJ;!._!be oth~t:.. ~_le that bas been suggested to me IS the uSc: of words like "dear._'-:_"_l;tqQ~y," "luv," and so forth between people who

80 I Language and

Woman·.~

Place

are not ~xually or emotionally intimate. Interestingly, both st:xes may engage in it, between or within sex lines. But 1t still seems that women use these expressions under different conditions tban_~cn do. Women who are socially subordinate may use it to either men or women: saleswomen and waitresses are particularly apt to do this. But men (heterosexual males, that is) don't usc it to other men at all; and when r.hcy use it to women. the woman is definitely in an inferior ~ition. I have known male professors who habitually addressed their female students as "dear," but I have m.'Vcr heard of a female professor addressing her male students thus. (It is barely conceivable that an elderly female professor might so address favCirite female students, though I know of no such instances; I can't imagine her addressing a male student that way, though.) Doctors and dentists (male) and especially, I am told, gynecologists are prone to address their female (never male) patients this way; patients may never respond in kind. This is probably related to the fact that men generally feel free to address women by first name alone or nickname much sooner in a relationship than a woman will feel free to so address a male. Thi.o; is sometimes justified by the u~r on grounds of "friendship"; but if firxt name alone is nut mutual, we~h&ve a rel~tionship not of_ Rule J solidarity but rather one of ~ule I cla..<;S distinction, in which the person who is addres.~ by first name is considered inferior to the one who is not. Compare, for eAample, the forms of normal address be· tween adults and children, particularly primary school children and their teachers. Since "dear" and its cohorts are not mutually exchanged, we must a!l.'>ume that a nonparallel relationship exists-a..<; 11 always does be· tween doctor and patient anyway, but the more markedly when lhe patient is female. Then this aspect of the ''ladyship" of women may be explained through the concept of male bonding: male politeness is difli:ren_t from femaJe and mixed polit~ess. in that male politeness !D~_es usc of Rule 3_to ~courage bonding relations}tips, and th__c: others_ do not, a~ thus d~ourage them. It is for this reason that ~omen f~l c:xcl'!ded by mak-type "polite'~ behavior toward them. Men, in effect, say: "Stay :.&W!Y_: Clur f~dsh1p_doesn't mclude you."

I

,I

Why Womt>n Are l.adies I 8/ A particularly sinking instBnce of the way this principle operates may be seen in joke-telling behavior. A joke is generally considered "tasteful" when it will not offend anyone who is likely to ht'~U it. It is the definition of "anyone" which has changed of late and could usc some more changing. Usually ~.mean "~yone who counts." The reason we tell jokes is to become part of a (Rule 3 governed) bonding relationship. Really or conventionally, joke telling brings the teller and the hearers together. You are nervous to some extent while a joke is being told: as the teller, for fear you'll get it wrong; as the hearer, for fear you won't get it. Both of these possible responses arc dangerous because they would inhibit the formation of the bond, making it difficult or impossible for hearer and teller to relate satisfactorily to each other. But if the joke is offensive to SOilleone in the audience,_it is guardntoed that the teller will fail in his intention to establish a bond, at least for that person. And when a teller is confronting a huge audience, in the media, then of course he can't tell how many members of the msultablc: groups might be out there listening: he can't jeopardize his chances of establishing bonding relationships by telling jokes that might off1.:nd a si7.ablc: portion of his audience. In the past, it was Implicitly assumed that members of various outside groups were not available for bonding with member.; of other groups. So if you were a WASP, it was all right to tell anti-anybody else jokes; if you were: Jewish, you could tell anti-Irish or anti-black JOkes, and so on. But lately we have become more scns1tive: we have included, at least for the purpose of conventional bond establishing (as opposed to real camaraderie) aU ethnic groups Among the "anybody" who cannot be: offended, at the risk of ruining the effect of the joke. There is, however, one group_that docs not compti~ pall_.of .the "anybody," from all available evidence. This is not a minority, but is usually about half of any audience. That group is, of course, WQ.'!Ien. There is a whQk genre of antiwomen JOkes, bast.-d on sexual stereotypes as antietbnic jokes were (and are) based on ethnic stereotype.<.;: women as a group and any woman because of belonging to that group arc vain, fuzzy-mindc(t extravagant, imprecise, long-wl!lded ... and oumero~ variants on those themes, concerning jealousy of other women, hat buying, driving, and so on There are to my knowledge

.,.

82 I Language and Woman's Place no parallel joke types lY.t.s~d on stereotypes of men in gt:neraJ. Even fl'1llale comedinmes don't tell such jokes, probably because men make up the jokes, or at least men seem to establish what constitutes acceptable topics for joking about. A comedian may be vt:·ry sensitive to ethnic slurs, never be caught dead telling Polish jokes, anti-Semitic jokes, or any of the other nono's, but he will include lots of anti women (these days, anti-"women's lib") jokes in his repertoire. No one (with the exception of a few of those chronic female malcontents who obviously have no sense of humor) will be offended, andgenerally the womCtJ in__tbe audic;nce will laugl!~ l_ql,l!Las. Jh~ -~~n. (They'd better, or they'll be acctL\ed of typical female humorlessness or stupidity because they "don't get it.") I think considerable damage is done to malleable young female egos in this way: jokes are not harmless, as ethnic minorities are fully aware. This sort of reaction to antiwomen jokes shows that women ...lill...Mt t;~l~~- by_ITI~ or by t hemsclves.... to~ be !l,ffi.Ong the possible peopl~ t(! paJ1.ic_ipate in the bonding indut:e4 by joke t_e_l_ling. And it is related to this that women are notorious for not being able to teU jokes weU: this is often ascribed to their illogical habits of mind, but probably has at least as much to do with the fact that women don't, can't. gain from telling jokes: in fact, in many circles it"s considered a dangerous sign of nonfemininity if a woman can tell a real joke (not merely r(:C()unt an anecdote) without lousi.ng up. At first glance, there may socm to be a paradox implicit in the claims I have made, namely: 1. That women arc person-oriented, interested in their own and each other's mental states and respective status: men are object-ori· entcd, interested in things in the outside world. 2. That men enter into bonding relationships and form relationships of camaraderie, in a way that they do not with women, nor do women ra~lly with one another. But actually there is no paradoll. In looking at each other's psyches, and reactions to one another, women retain their individuality; they ~lfysed into a grO!J.I>· There is not necessarily a sense of cooperation in this process, but rather a sense that each individual is keeping track of the other individuals. In this sense, women's greater ability

Why Women Are Ladies I 83 to express and share emotions is less to be ascribed to ~.:amaraderie than to separateness, one individual getting and giving impressions from and to othet" individuals., and as a means whereby individuals can come to work together when ncodod. Men, on the o~her hand, arc not so much~f1Cemed about what's going on in one another's minds, but rather on ho! the group can work as a whole to get something done. This leads to the submerging of everyone's feelings and some gruffness of reaction, of course, which the rules producing camardderie are expressly set up to help gloss over. Agam, there should be no Soc:1lse on reading thi!> that one style i!i bt•rter. more logical, or more ~Ially useful than another; both, and mixtures of both, are needed in different circumstances. Women must be more flexible-and so must mL"tl.

4 /Conclusion This. then. 1s finally the point for the reader to ponder: I have g~ven rCJlSOn to believe that the kinds of "pohteness" used by and of and to women do not arise by ac6dent; that they are, indeed, stifling, exclusive, and oppressive. But I don't feel that we must maintain the kinds of social relationships we have always assumed. If we are aware of what we're doing, why we're doing it, and the effects our actions have on ourselves and everyone else, we will have the power to change. I hope this book will be one small first step in the direction of a wider option of life styles, for men and women.

Un·.-..-. Un1v.

..,·,_ .• , CitL

'·''t,e'-

~-------·;;.

4Jj

~~····

Bibliography Bateson, G. Steps to an Ecology of Mind. Part III: "Form and Pathology in Relationship." New York: BallAntine, 1972. Chesler, Phyllis. Women and Madness. New York: Doubleday & Co., 1972; Avon paperback, 1973. Grice, H. P. "The Logic of Conversation." Unpublished manuscript, Department of Philosophy, Univcruty of California, Berkeley, 1968.

Haas, M. R. "Men's and Women's Speech in Loasati," in D. Hymes, ed., Lang11age in Culture and Society. New York: Harper&. Row, 1964.

Lalc.off, R. "Language in Context." Language 48 (1972): 907-27. Miller, R. A. The Japanese LAnguage. Chicago: Univer.;ity of Chicago Press, 1967. P08tal, P. "Anaphoric Islands.·· In Papers from the Fifth Regional Meeting of the Chicago Linguistic Society, edited by R. Dinnick ct al. Chicago: Chicago Linguistic Society, 1969. Tiger, Lionel. Men i'f Groups. London: Thoma.-. Nelson & Sons.. Ltd .. and New York: Random House, 1969; Vintage paperback, 1970.

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