Mentally Incontinent

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by Joe The Peacock

This Is Not Art! Productions Atlanta, GA

LOOK! Lawyers get a story, too: Copyright© 2002 - 2008 by Joe Peacock, except: "Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking!" Copyright© Matthew Galloway, reprinted with permission. "S&M With Best Buy" Copyright © Brittany Gandolfo, reprinted with permission. The events described in this book are based on the actual events from my life (except Guest Chapters). In some cases, names, locations and other descriptive factors have been changed to protect the innocent. In other cases, identities of involved parties have been removed and replaced by fictional people, simply because the original person was the sort of jerk who'd sue me for telling the truth about them. In any case, yes, I've taken liberties with some parts. Relax. This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommerciai­ ShareAiike 2.5 License. You are free to copy, distribute, display, and perform the work and to make derivative works under the following conditions: Attribution. You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor. Noncommercial. You may not use this work for commercial purposes. Share Alike. If you alter, transform, or build upon this work, you may distribute the resulting work only under a license identical to this one. For any reuse or distribution, you must make clear to others the license terms of this work and the origins of the original work (this work and author). Any of these conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder. Your fair use and other rights are in no way affected by the above. In other words, if you wanna photocopy this book and give it to a friend or put it on P2P file sharing networks, go for it. If you wanna make a movie or play out of the events in this book, do so, but let me know and give me some credit. But whatever you do, don't make people pay for any of it, or I'll hunt you down and do bad things to your car. And of course, the "do bad things to your car" remark was just a joke. I have to say this because people are retarded and like to sue for stupid crap like this . "I photocopied Joe's book and charged someone for it, and the next day, my spark plugs blew up! It's his fault!" No it's not. It was a joke and you know it, champ. To view a copy of this license, (a) visit http:/ jcreativecommons.org/licensesjby-nc-sa/2.5/legalcode; or (b) send a letter to: Creative Commons, 543 Howard Street, 5th Floor, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA Peacock, Joe. Mentally Incontinent. ISBN 0-9774184-0-5 (PB) ISBN 0-9774184-1-3 (HC) Version 1.2

For Andrea.

I told you the night we first kissed that, one day, I'd write a book just so I could dedicate it to you.

Sorry, Mom and Dad. You can have the next one.

Table of Crap That's In The Book And What Page It's On

Ta b l e Of Contents

Foreward by B i l l Doty I Introduction •

I

Rou n d 1 :

The Wai-Mart Story

1

Rou n d 2 :

Late Night Adventures At Kroger

11

Rou n d 3:

16

The Gift Wildcard Ro u n d :

It Feels Just Like It So unds

22

Rou n d 4 :

I've Never Rea lly Been A Fan Of Fish

31

Rou n d 5 :

The Cows

.••

They Ta lk!

37

Rou n d 6 :

I Thin k I'm Turning Japa nese

45

G u est C h a pter 1 :

"Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drin king!" by Matthew Gal loway

56

Book O n l y Story :

The End Of The Ra i n bow

66

Mentally Incontinent

Rou n d 7:

Ta l k About Blowing An Opportu nity . . .

78

Rou n d 8 :

Meat Me At Lovejoy (Another Kroger Story)

98

Rou n d 9:

Ouch.

110

Book O n l y Story :

Pure Garbage

137

Rou n d 1 0 :

The Motherboard Chro nicles I-VII

148

Rou n d 1 1 :

I'm Just Dyi ng To Know You

190

G u est C h a pter 2 :

"S&M W ith Best Buy" by Brittany Gan do lfo

237

Rou n d 1 2 :

Pissed

250

Book O n ly Story :

There Isn't A Title For This Story.

266

The Fi na I Story :

A Small Victory

271

Thanks and Stuff

279

Foreword

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Bill Doty

Foreword by Bill Doty Owner a nd Senior Editor, Broke n Newz.com & Patron Saint of Internet H u mor

I was once told that you 're o n l y as good as the people that you s u rrou n d yourself with . In the recent years that expression has become more valid as I have developed a new branch of friends across the web. The internet has opened m a n y doors for me, perso na lly a n d professionally. I value Joe Peacock i n both a renas. There is not a h i g h e r ca l i be r of person that I would rather co llaborate with than Joe. H i s eye on l ife has kept m e true. I a lways turn to Joe for a d ifferent perspective o n ideas. Though often 180 degrees arou n d from my ori g i n a l d i rection, I value his i n put and ideas more t h a n any oth e r perso n . Sincere co m m u n ication is the most i m portant thing between real fri e n d s . Joe's h o n esty a n d g u i d a nce I value more t h a n a n y ot her. An e m a i l , a n i nstant message, a phone call - I a l ways d o my best to keep Joe a n a rm s reach away. Joe has g rown to become a mental a ppendage I can't l ive without. A tumor? You cou ld call h i m that. Grow i n g o n me, attacking my b ra i n , a l ways there though you can never see it. The o n ly d ifference i s this one is contagious. Spre a d i n g everyday across the g lobe. H i s stories fi n d new hosts everyday, affecti n g them for life. M a k i n g us fee l better, l a u g h a little hard e r, and give u s the desire to look at our own lives a l ittle d ifferently.

Mentally Incontinent

Joe Peacock lives a life we a l l do. The d ifference is he values each day, each mo m e n t a n d relays them to word . H e describes life with utter brillia n ce i n a style we wish we all co uld own . H e could tell a tale of checking the mail that would enthra l l the deadest of souls. H i s deta ils of facts a re penned i n a fas h ion that brings us, the read e rs , i nto the story a n d m a kes u s eager to see them develop. H i s eye for h u mor lets us reeva luate o u r own situations and find ways to t u rn a n g u i s h into l a u g hter a n d create smiles from tears . Is Joe a s u pe r being, with the power to live a super l ife, a n d bionic a bilities to tra n s late them to word? Not at a l l . Joe is like you a n d me, only h e takes a seco n d look at life . . . And sometimes a t h i rd . And that's something we a l l should do in o u r d a i ly l ives . Joe Peacock, con g ratu late yourself for being h u m a n .

Introduction

I n trod u ction

What you're holding i n your h a n d s is the end result of a project three years a n d over 1 50 0 votes in the maki n g - one that, i n the begi n n i n g , was laug hed off by j u st about everyone who heard the concept a s a n idea that w o u ld " Never work i n a m i l l ion years." They were right. It worked i n only t h ree. I'll be the a bsolute first to a d m it, I rea l ly d i d n't th i n k it'd work either. As far as ideas go, t h i s one was pretty sca ry : 1 ) Write a b u n c h of stories 2 ) Put them on a we bsite 3) As k readers to vote o n which o n es belong in a book 4) Cri nge i n terror as you essentially p rostrate your­ self before m i l l io n s of internet users and pray to yo u r deity of choice that you don't get massacre d . Three years ago, this seemed l i ke sheer l u n a cy. I was setting myself u p for fa i l u re of m o n u mental proportions. Not only was I forsaking j ust about every accepted law of internet c u lt u re by expect i n g people to even participate i n the vot i n g , I was asking people to read 2 , 0 0 0 to 1 0 , 0 0 0 word stories about my life (Wait . . Read? About a non-fa mous person? O H , TH E HO RROR ! ! ! ) o n a com p uter monitor (GAS P ! ! ! ) with n o pict u res ( S H RIE K ! ! ! ) , no stupid flash a n i mations ( M OA N ! ! ! ) , and no video ( FAINT! ! ! ) . Th en, I plan ned to collect the results a n d print them i n a book. •

I

Mentally Incontinent

Yep, a paper book a bout a g uy's life comprised of short stories that people voted into a book o n the i nternet. It j u st SCREAMS "Opra h 's Book C l u b," doesn't it? Sheer, u n a d u lterated a b s u rdity. We ll, nevertheless, h e re we a re . We've na rrowed 1 0 5 stories down to 1 2, we've ed ited a n d co m mented o n t h e m , a n d we've actu a l l y put them into a rea l , no kidding dead tree boo k . A n d w h e n I say "we", I mean WE. You and me. Eve n if you d i d n't get to vote o n a single story (or chose not to ) , the very fact that you a re even read i n g t h is book means that you're pa rtic ipating i n the p roj ect. So g ive yourself a n ice, solid pat o n the back - you 've done a g reat j o b . But w h e re d i d this whole t h i n g come from ? W h e re did it a l l beg i n a n d , more i m porta ntly, why? We l l , that ta l e req u i res that I give you a bit of insight a bout myself a n d my h i story on the O M G I NTERN ET. You might want to get a pi llow. And some popcorn. Back i n the day, I went to college to become a history teac h e r. Yea h , yea h, that one off.

I

know. It's okay, I'l l g ive you a moment to l a u g h

Okay, ready? Anyway, I went, but I wasn't i n college very long - a bout a year a n d a half or so, a l m ost a l l of it spent ducking out of class as often as poss ible, u s u a l l y to hack a ro u n d i n the ca mpus comp uter lab (where I worked, i n a d d ition to Wa i-Mart u nt i l . . . We l l , read Rou n d 1 to find out more a bout that), play i n g o n l i n e M U Ds and learning a bit a bo ut how to build webpages. Right a ro u n d the time I left Wa llyworld, the " Dot Com Boo m " was j ust starting up, so I did what j ust a bout everyone d i d a ro u n d that time - I looked at co l lege i n the o n e h a n d (where I was work i n g two m i n i m u m wage j o bs to pay for classes), a n d I looked at going to work as a software developer i n the other (getting pa id a d u lt money at age 1 9 to m a ke webpages), and I laug hed heartily as I w a l ked out of E n g l i s h 20 1 after c a l l i n g the teacher - a Masters st udent with a n ego a p p roximately seve n times l a rger than the size of the Ea rth - a " S u p re m e Bitch" (if you're rea d i n g this, looks l i ke you were wrong, Ms. Rees. I CA N formulate a sentence worth read i n g ) . The o n ly t h i ngs I took with m e from college were a) the fact that DJ'ing a college radio show at two i n the morn i n g i nstead of stocking she lves at Wa i - M a rt was pretty m u c h n o u p g rade at a l l a n d b ) a website domain n a m e I created as a p roject for o n e of the computer science classes I took. Back then, you cou ld register domain n a mes for something a b s u rd like $ 2 0 . 00 for 1 0 years, a n d it was a necessa ry part of the proj ect, so I s n a gged hecticpla net.com ( w h i c h , for the record, I don't own a n ymore - more on that in a second ) . Big whoop .

.

.

II

Introduction

For seven of those ten years, h ecticplanet.com held a few colored fra m e s with the words "Hectic Pla n et, Baby!" It was not h i n g . It was completely inert. U se less i n every way. Th e n , I met M ichal Wa l lace. Michal a n d I worked together at one of the many "Great idea ! Let's pour m i llions in venture capital i nto it a n d watch it fester a n d fa i l ! " com pa n i es d u ri n g the late 9 0 's and ea rly 2 0 00's. We were work a cq u a i ntances at the time, the sort of people who are pleasant to one another a n d s h a re occa sional d isco u rse a bout psychology o r politics d u ri n g server outages ( b ut now, he's one of my best frie n d s a n d biggest s u pporte rs) . O n e day, he mentioned to m e that h e had started a hosti n g busi ness called Cornerhost. To h e l p h i m start to build h i s business, I bought a n account a n d transferred the hecticplanet.com doma i n n a m e to h is servers, w h e re I promptly forgot it existed. A few weeks later, a friend of m i n e asked m e to d o a favor a n d check out some content m a nagement software he was interested i n try i n g , so I threw it o n the hecticplanet . com site and noodled around with it. I posted some j u n k to it; crap which resembles j ust a bout everyt h i n g you've ever seen on a ny blog a nywhere . . . A few recipes for chicken, some rants a bout the New York Ra ngers' los i n g season (amazing w h at HASN'T changed i n t h ree years . . . Serious ly, MSG, you need to get the h e l l out of the b usi ness of ru n n i ng a hockey tea m , as you a ppa rently have n o clue how to d o it), a n d some pictu res and cra p . I never intended a nyone to even bother looking at the site, I j ust st uck it a l l u p there as a proof of co ncept. Th e n , one n ight, I told this silly story at a pa rty I was at (someth i n g I a m known t h roughout the Metro Atlanta area for doin g ) a bout the time my parents fo u n d a porno tape that I never even got to watch . Everyone enjoyed it a n d m u c h merriment was had, a n d then we a l l went home. A few days late r, o n e of the fol ks who heard the story e m a i led me and a s ked if I co u l d write it out for a coworker of h is , as he was trying to retel l it a n d cou l d n 't q u ite "get it right." So I d i d . I g u ess that coworker liked it, because h e fo rwarded it to several of his frie n d s , who t h e n fo rwarded it to their frie n d s . I got a few e m a i l s back from ra ndom stra n g e rs who sa id that they rea l ly enjoyed the story. A little while later, I got a n e m a i l from someone who wanted to show it to some of her friends, but had d e leted the e m a i l . She asked if I could res end it to her. So I d id o n e bette r - I posted it to my s i l ly hectic planet.com test site and pointed her there . And so, with a whisper a n d q u ite u n i nte ntional ly, it bega n . As a n aside, I have to say that I u n d e rstand why that story never made it t h ro u g h the vot i n g . But I feel it'd be a real s h a m e to publish this book a n d not incl ude the very first story I ever wrote. Soooooo I'm going to s h a re it with you now. Consider it a treat . . .

Ill

Mentally Incontinent

for suffering through the introduction, as people who read the introductions to books are exceed i n g l y rare a n d should be rewarded . So, without fu rther adieu, I present for your read i n g pleasure (or, if you don't enjoy it, your total waste of a few m i n utes ) : *********

A Rollerskati ng Story Called Saturday I'm sitting here going t h rough my m usic collection, re m e m bering a time w h e n I was actua lly excited by things I heard on the rad io a n d s u c h . I can re mem ber liste n i ng to "The Top n i n e at 9 " on Power 9 9 . 7 FM i n Atlanta (before it beca me 99 X ) , a n d the songs o n it were a ctua lly things I wanted to hear. . . things l i ke Faith No More, or Red Hot Chili Peppers, or Pearl J a m (oh, s h ut u p . . you l i ked them too ) . Songs that didn't SUCK. Anyway, I a m sitting h e re t h i n king a bout s i mpler times in life, re m e m beri n g w h e n the h a rdest t h i n g a bout life was trying to get g i rls to notice m e w h i l e prete n d i n g I d i d n't care if g i rls noticed me Wrestling practice Mowing the lawn . Not getting caught l ifti n g extra cartons of milk from the cafete ria. All of that stuff. 0

0

This song c u rrently playing, " ( A Rollerskating Jam Called) Sat u rday" by De La Soul, re m i nd s m e of a guy I knew n a m ed Austin Rea g a n . Austi n was a s m o k i n g , swea ring, thieving, better dressed "Waldo" (you know . . from "Where's Wa ldo?"). H e looked EXACTLY l i ke that hi d d e n little bastard . . . Austi n introduced me to several things in life that played major roles i n my development into the person I a m today : u n de rg ro u n d rock, u nd e rgrou n d co m ics, fa n z i n es , ska, a n d getting my ass kicked by m y mother for having a h a rdcore pornography ta pe that I never even got to watc h . Austi n was two g rades a head of me. W h i l e I was a na ive and pretty useless fresh m a n , Austin took me u n d e r h i s w i n g a n d kind of p u t me i n stantly i n the "cool" crowd. After a bout a month of h a n g ing o u t with him, there was practica l ly nothing I would n't d o for h i m , m a i n ly because even at that you n g age I realized very dee ply the fact that a n y social status I MAY have had at that point i n my life was d i rectly related to h i m . So, •

IV

Introduction

natura l ly, w h e n Austin asked m e to hold h is prized possessio n , a copy of "The Pleasure H u nt" starring G i nger Ly n n , so that h is mother wou l d n 't toss it, I GLADLY accepted. S u re, I could tell you that this was my way of helping out the older, fa r more soci a l ly accepted person who had rea l ly bee n the m a n that made thi ng s m u ch much m uch less d i fficult for me as a fres h m a n i n high school ( now that I look back on it, I t h i n k it m ig ht a I so have to do with the fact that I was 6'3", 240 lbs a n d looked l i ke a d e ra nged s k i n h e a d ) . . . but the truth is, to a 14 year old m a le , a h a rdcore porn tape is worth a p prox i m ately double its weight i n p u re plati n u m . Maybe triple. I IMMEDIATELY stashed it and told my best frie n d i n the world at that time Jay a bout it. H e a n d I were fl i p ping out . . . we had PO R N ! FUCKING A , W E HAD PORN ! Now, of course at that time my fa m i l y was d i rt poor a n d my father, who is the greatest exa m p l e of a n A m e rican hero you w i l l ever fi n d , was feeding my sister, my mothe r and I on h i s early withdrawal of h is Soc i a l Secu rity. So we had o n ly o n e VCR and o n e television, both of w h i ch were located in the living room w h ich had n o loc king door. Watching t h i s t h i n g i n the . . . S h a l l we say. . . Proper env ironment would req u ire a g reat deal more stealth than I had available to me at the time, so I did what a nyone i n my position would d o : I prayed and a s ked God to let my parents go away for a weeke n d . Begged. Pleaded. Groveled before the A l m i g hty. Etcetera . Mea n w h i le, Jay was a l ready m a ki n g moves, tra d i n g on this treasure h e considered o u rs ( but it was m i n e . . . Wel l , not even m i ne, but sti l l ) . H e told his neigh bor, Tod d , a bout it, who offered a pretty good tra d e : for me, h i s porn ta pe. I had n't even seen m i n e yet, so I said " S u re ." S i nce I had no clue what was on 'my' ta pe, I figured "What's the d i ffe rence a nyway? U n watched porn is j ust as good as other u nwatched porn, ri ght?" Jay e n ded up scoring some of Todd's fathers ciga rettes and a bootleg of Meta l l ica's "Garage Days Revisited" a l b u m . I just got the oth e r ta pe. As was custo m a ry for my porn situation, that day I j ust stashed the ta pe a n d prayed l i ke the d ickens. Wel l , Todd took a different tact. You see, Tod d was a fu cking moro n . H e l eft the tape i n h i s VCR one n i g h t a n d the next morn i n g , w h e n h is mother came to ya n k the s i lver spoon out of his mouth and clean his room for h i m , she found it. Now, d i d Tod d do h is duty a n d deny a l l k n owledge? Did h e d o exactly what h e w o u ld have done had he never traded? Did he do the only thing that co u ld have saved h is ass and v

Mentally Incontinent

blame it o n his older brother? Fu c k no. He spil led ALL the beans. Unfortu nate ly, this a l l ha ppened w h i l e I was away for the wee kend with my (HAHAHAHA) c h u rch youth g ro u p . W h e n I got back, my parents picked u p my sister and me, and proceeded to te l l m e that w h e n we got home, they had something they wanted to ta l k to m e a bout . . . ALO N E . My sister, w h o had n o clue w h at it was a bout, just looked at m e and said "It was really n ice having you for a brother. I w i l l m iss you ." That n i g h t proceeded to be one of the long est, most pa infu l , most " O H MY GOD I wish I could forget it but never ever will" n i g hts I have ever had i n my entire life. I had to watch Gi nger Lynn have les b i a n sex w ith two other blonde women d ressed as n u rses i n the l iv i n g room with my parents. I ca n 't even beg i n to describe the agony of sitting there hearing G i n g e r scream "YES" with two women l icking h e r body and g iv i n g h e r pleasure with a g i g a n tic massage wand, fi ngers thrusting into her repeatedly w h i l e my mother stared at me i n d isg ust. After fi n a l l y h itti n g the stop button, I was asked "Where d i d you get t h is?" I wanted to tell them the truth. I wa nted to tell t h e m I was holding i t for Aust i n , a n d that I h a d n 't even gotten the cha nce to watch it u ntil that po int w h ich was far less fulfi l l i n g than I had rea lly hoped it would be. I wanted to come clea n , but I knew that even though my story was 1 0 0 °/o true it would come off s o u n d i n g l i ke p u re b u l ls h it, so I j u st b l u rted out "A g u y on the footba l l tea m sold it to me, but I can't te l l you who because then I won't eve r be a ble to play foot ball a g a i n . . . They'll k i l l m e . " It t u rned out that this was probably the best t h i n g I could have poss ibly said, because i m m ed iately my father j u m ped i n and said that h e d i d n't care w h e re I got it a n d d i d n 't wa n t me to n a m e n a m es , that the tape wou ld be destroyed a n d that m y mother would h a n d l e it from there. Th a n k God for testostero n e . I sat there for the n ext two h o u rs w h i l e my mother discussed with me the nature of m a ki n g love versus having sex, how porn does not at a l l describe m a k i n g love, and how s h e and my father m a ke love, not have sex . . . B l a h b l a h bla h . Anyway, I'm not s u re w h at the point of a n y of this is, but there i s a lesson to be learned here :

•

VI

Introduction

You n g m e n rea d i n g this sto ry, d o yourself a H U G E favor. . . Go to a yard sale, buy yourself a VCR for 1 5 bucks, a n d keep a l l of yo u r porn to you rself. Tra ding porn o n l y leads to t ro u ble. *********

There. Now wasn 't that specia l ? ( S h h h h h , don't te l l the non­ introduction readers. This w i l l be our little secret - not that it's much of one . . . That story is SO poorly writte n . I t h i n k I've read better co ntent on the side of cereal boxes. But it was m y first story, so nevertheless, I'm proud of it . . . O r someth i n g ) . So yeah, I posted that story u p on the site, and after a few wee ks, ra ndom people I'd never even spoken to were e m a i l i n g me a n d letting m e know that, w h i l e they hated the rest of the site, they rea lly enjoyed "that story w h e re you r mom found the porn LOLOLOL OMG SO F U N N Y ! " So, I decided to try aga i n . Lig htning cou l d n 't poss ibly strike twice, could it? No. It cou l d n 't . The ot her stories I posted were terri ble. I was try i n g too h a rd , a n d it really showed i n the writi n g . I got n o co m m e nts or kudos. People seemed largely u naffected by my desire to be read . So, I kinda gave u p o n that notion a n d instead decided to j ust post more garbage ( us u a l ly a bout the New York Ra ngers ) , interm ittently th rowi n g i n a story from my child hood h e re and there. Fast-fo rward a bout t h ree months. Th e re was t h is goofy little tale I told at some gathering somewh ere that most of my friends a l ready k n e w by heart, having heard it so ofte n . It was a bout m y fi nal days at Wa i-Ma rt a n d how horrible the people I worked with were to me, and how I got them back. It b rought to n s of l a u g hter a n d plenty of attention, a n d a few days after t h e gatheri ng, I was asked by the same friend who emailed m e a bout the porno story to e m a i l h i m a copy of the Wa i-Mart story. So I jotted it out a n d posted it to that hecticp l a n et site I wasn't doing m u c h with , a n d l o ! Te ns of people came a n d checked it out! One or two of them even com m e n ted on it! Hooray! I had a n a u dience aga i n ! It was at that point that a suggestion was m a d e . I s h o u l d collect t h is crap into a book. " B ut nobody wou ld ever buy a book a bout my life," I explaine d . "Who cares?" A buddy of m i n e s a i d . "Do it for yourself. How many people can say they've written a book?" " I d u n no . . . Thousa n d s? M i llions, maybe?" "We l l , how many people that YOU know can say they've written a book?" my buddy a s ked . . ,

VII

Mentally Incontinent

" U m m . . . O n e," I replied. "Well," h e a nswered, " I don't k n ow A NY. So, you can become that one to m e ! " A n d t h e n he took a nother swig of his beer a n d started h itting on whatever g i rl was sitting next to him . But even t h o u g h his sug gestion was born from a d ru n ke n stupor, it rea l ly d i d a ppeal to m e . I'd a lways been somew hat i nvolved in doing creative stuff, from draw i n g comics to fil m i n g stu pid crap with a camcorder. In every endeavour, I natura l l y g rav itated to the "writer" position, mostly beca use it felt g reat to te l l a sto ry. So what the h e l l , w h y not p u rs u e a fo rmat that dealt specifica l ly with writing? But m e being me, I k n ew I cou l d n 't j u st do things the norm a l way - I co u l d n 't j u st write some stories, collect them a n d print the m . No, I had to add some e l e ment to it that m a d e it fu n , orig i n a l a n d at least somewhat interesting to the people who would eve ntually read the thing . I form ulated t h i s rid icu lous theory that the i nternet was, by a n d large, being used for a pu rpose for which it wasn't idea l ly s u ited . Websites everywhere were using the i nternet l i ke it's a TV, playing videos at people. O r they treat it l i ke a magazine, posting a rticles a n d pictures at people. Or, they treat it like a radio, broadcasting m usic a n d ta l k at people. I say "at" beca use that's a l l it i s . They throw content AT you . You ca n 't interact. And that's the whole point of the internet ­ interaction . Inte rco n nectivity. It's called the "INTERnet" for a rea son. I decided I should try to m a ke the first ever book (at lea st, to my k n owledge) that used the inte ractive capacity of the internet to h e l p create it. I'd post a g roup of stories, put them u p for a vote, a n d the story that readers liked best would become a chapter i n my book. I'd take the book to a van ity press somew h e re, print out 2 0 copies, a n d give them to my frie nds a n d fa m i l y, beca use they'd most l i kely be the only people who participated. And at the e n d of it a l l , I'd be a b le to cross "Write a book" off of my l ist of things to do before I breathe my dying breat h . I never, eve r thought it'd work . I figu red that my friends and family wou ld g row bored with read i n g the s a m e stories they'd heard over Thanksgiving d i n ne r or at parties, a n d after a bout two cha pters, I'd g o from six or seven votes per chapter to a bout zero votes per cha pter. I thought we'd a l l lose interest a n d yet a n other project of m i n e would end u p i n a m a n ila envelope i n a fi le d rawer somewhere , left to stu m ble over w h e n I decide to do a bi-a n n u a l d rawer sorting . So, I ha lfheartedly a n nou nced to everyo n e that I was ma king a book out of the hecticplanet webs ite a n d , if they'd l i ke to participate, they could g o there a n d vote on the first ( a n d seco n d ) cha pter, wh ich cons isted of nine of the posti ngs that most closely rese m bled "stories" at the time. And they d i d . And they told other people a bout the idea , ...

VIII

Introduction

a n d those people came and they vote d . And after a l l was said a n d done, 2 7 people weighed i n on the decision for the first ( a n d second) cha pter. I was somewhat awed . I cou ld n 't believe that 27 people would a ctua lly g ive a crap. I figu red it was a fl u ke . But then, for the next c h a pter vote, 33 people showed u p and voted. And what was better, the n u m be r of "reads" each story was getting were g rowing i n a t h ree­ to-one ratio of the voting n u m bers . People were read i n g the stories, passing them on to friends, a nd a ctua l ly taking a n interest i n the project. We l l whaddaya know? Joe was actu a l l y RIGHT a bout someth i n g for once. And then, it h a pp e n e d . The Wa i-Mart Story showed u p on a website called Zfi lter.com, a popula r l i n k-propagation website, a n d overnight, the d a m b u rst. From Zfi lter, it was l i n ked to Fazed, Kuro S h i n , a n d eventua lly Fa rk.com . And once that story had ru n its course, "The Cows . . . They Ta l k ! " was p i c ked u p by a l l of the afore m e ntioned sites. And t h e n "The G ift," a n d then the story a bout Tu na the Dol p h i n . People PO U RE D into the site, fo rwarding the story a n d commenting l i ke crazy. Votes for C h a pter Five (the current ro u n d at the time) skyrocketed . A d ream co m e true, right? We ll, back t h e n , not so m u c h . I kinda frea ked out. Given that I never a ntici pated that a n yone wo u ld ever g ive a crap about this project, the fact that the few people w h o were read i n g my stories a n d voting on the chapters was exciting and coo l . But when the influx of rea d e rs "tipped", it overtook m e . I was getting a TON of e m a i l , both positive a n d negative. I fo u n d myself i n a position I'd never been i n befo re. I was now a creator of content that was being j udged by a large body of readers . . . And it scared the h e l l out of me. Furthermore, at that s a m e period in time, I was faced with the fact that the n a m e " Hectic Pla n et" was a l ready owned by Evan Dorkin, the a uthor and artist of a co mic by the same n a m e . I've been a fan of Eva n 's for YEARS, a n d i n fact, that's w h e re I orig ina lly got the idea for the domain n a m e for that college project years ago. Back t h e n , it never occu rred to m e that n a m i n g my class project " Hectic Pla net" would have a n y far reaching effects . . . It was j u st a n a m e . But now that it was to become a printed work, I was u n w ittingly infri n g i n g on another a u thor's copyright. And that s u c ked (but not a nym ore; I've since given the dom ain to Eva n , and I h o pe you a l l visit it a n d read h i s amazingly aweso m e stuff) . So, with a l l this crap swirling a rou n d , the site went o n a n u n a n nou nced h iatus. Everything piled u p on m e and I d id n 't know what to do, so I d i d the stupidest thing I've ever d o n e : I stopped . •

IX

Mentally Incontinent

I j u st t u rned my back on it for a w h i l e . I came extremely close to deleti n g the whole database a n d site a n d j u st letting it a l l go. But tha n ks to my wife A n d rea, that d i d n 't h a p pe n . This book owes a very la rg e d e bt to her, becase she made me realize that this was my DREAM, a n d I was rowing back to shore d u e to a few ripples i n the po n d . She made m e re m e m be r the one a n d only lesson I've eve r truly learned in my l ife : Nothing worth doing is easy. With a new head of stea m , I decided to g row u p and fi n ish the project I'd starte d . But before I cou ld, I needed a new na me, so I held a contest to come u p with a new n a m e for the site . . . B ut none of the names really struck me as being a ppropriate for the n a m e of the book a n d website (come o n . . . "ThelacticPe n .com?" What w o u ld YOU th i n k a bo ut join ing a website or buying a book cal led "The Lactic Pe n?"). One night, I was ratt l i n g off n a m e ideas to my wife, w h o was j u st sm i l i n g a n d nodding the e n tire tim e . At some point d u ring the eveni n g , s h e said "You know, you're m e ntally i n continent." E u re ka . I re lau nched the site w ith its new n a m e a n d beg a n posti n g stories a g a i n , and a lot of people who had g iven u p on m e c a m e back a n d decided to g ive m e a n other s h ot . And for that, I a m eterna l ly g ratefu l . Beca use of them ( a n d you), this book now exists. S i n ce I started t h is project, I've met some of the g reatest people I've ever met i n my entire life. It's a m azi n g ; each time I go into the Menta l ly I n continent foru ms, I see one of the rarest t h i n g s o n the internet today - a co m m u nity of welco m i n g a n d accepting peo ple, eager to s h a re their space with new m e m be rs . I see people who a re w i l l i n g to involve themselves in a project that they bel ieve i n . I see people w h o w i l l put t h e i r own stories (and thus, j udgeme nt a bo u t the i r a bilities) o u t o n the l i n e for people to j u d g e - a n d , a l m ost as re m a rka ble, critiques of the works that a ctua lly conta i n h e lpfu l advice a n d s u p port. For those of you not rea l ly into the w h o le internet fo ru m thing, let m e assure yo u : TH IS I S RARE. The M I forums and chat room a re q u ite possibly the o n ly two places o n the internet wh ere you w o n 't i m m ed iately be tarred and feathered sim ply for being new (well, except maybe by A n i meFa n , who is "The O ppressor"). Th is book may have my n a m e on it, but it belongs to you . Yo u , the rea d e r, m a ke it what it is. A n d as I said in the beg i n n i n g , even if you never voted on a single c h a pter, the fact that you are rea d i n g this now m a kes you a part of the project. I find it necessary to repeat this state ment beca use it's a fact. This book is not the goal of the project, it's j u st a noth e r step in the project. This wasn't s i m ply a bout the creation of a book, it's about co lla boration . A n d rig h t here, rig ht now, we are co lla borat i n g . I'm tel l i n g you stories. You're s h a ring your X

Introduction

feelin gs about them with your frie nds and fa mily and coworkers a n d associates. And hopefu l ly, yo u'll be motivated to join u s on the new book a n d h e l p make it a m a z i n g . The website b u i ld s the book, the book builds the next we bsite . Neat, h u h ? If this book is your first experience with me, I'm g lad to s h a re this with you . I encourage you to j o i n the website a n d vote o n the cha pters for the next book. Comment o n the stories posted there a n d let m e know what you t h i n k of them (es pecia lly if you fi n d errors). S h a re your opi n ions on them (and practically a nything else you feel l i ke talking a bout) in the forums and chat room, with o u t fea r of rid i c u le or being made fu n of s i m ply because you're new. And, by a l l means, please e m a i l o r instant message m e via the contact info at the back of t h is book and let me know w h at you t h i n k of this book a n d a l l the projects i n genera l . Even if you hate it ( ESPECIA LLY if you hate it), I'd love to know w h at I can do to m a ke the next one better. If this book isn't your first experience with m e a n d you're a member of t h e website : THA N K YOU . Tha n ks for p u rchasing this book a n d th a n ks for h e l p i n g to make it. I sincerely hope you'll take a great a m o u nt of pride i n what you've ach ieved h e re, beca use without YOU , this book wou l d n 't ( a n d more importantly, cou ld n't) exist. S h ow this book off to everyone you know. Po int to yo u r username i n the back (you'll find t h e m i n a l p h a betica l order) and say with pride, " Look what I made!" Okay, e n o u g h of t h is goofy rorn a n - n u m e ra l - paged introduction cra p . Time to get to the stuff you actually bought t h i s book for. I hope you enjoy it.

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XI

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WIN N E R

# of Votes

The Wai-M a rt Story 40°/o { 1 1 ) Other Stories Late Night Adventures At Kroger

# of Votes 22% (6)

The Adventures of Three Complete Morons

7%

(2)

Hey, You! Get Back Here With My Dignity!

7%

A Roller Skating Story Named Saturday

4%

(2) (1)

Happy Friday 1 3th'

4%

(1)

The Whistle Pop

4%

(1)

A Telemarketer Story

4%

Georgia Weather

0%

(1) (0)

My comments: I had a bsolutely no idea w hat was going to h a ppen with this story w h e n I w rote it . . . I j u st t h o u g h t it was a funny story from my past, so I posted it to the website. Since t h e n , it's been everywhere across t h e net, from perso n a l blogs to Fa rk.com, a n d reprinted i n magazines from New York City (Stay Free! Magazin e ) to Paris (Vive! Magazine) . I've even been accused of stea l i n g this story and claiming credit - which, if it weren't so offe nsive, would be the best com p l i me nt I've ever received i n my life. But it's not even that re ma rka ble a story. It's j u st what happens when you 're pushed too far.

Reader comments : "This is a bsolutely t h e fu n niest t h i n g I have

ever

read."

-Witchangel "Wow . . . At first I was wonderi n g what was going to h a ppen, u n t i l you got to the revenge part. As soon as you sta rted descri b i n g the demo cabi net, I knew you were u p to someth i n g , and it would be horri b l e ( but h i lario u s ) ! "

-Homncruse

Mentally Incontinent

The Wai-Ma rt Story

Yes, that's rig ht . It's not A Wai-Mart story . . . It is THE Wa i ­ Mart story. A tale so sord i d , so e pic, that it sim ply HAD to be the first c h a pter i n this book . was in my first year of co llege at the time a n d was working for Roadway Package Syste ms on the overn ight s h ift ( RPS was a c h e a p knockoff of Federal Express o r U PS, o n ly without a l l the customers a n d money a n d , a pparently, safety reg u latio ns. We had at least 1 5 e m ployees out o n workers' comp at a n y g iven t i m e . Now, what these people were doing w h e n they got h u rt, I'll never know, beca use a l l I ever saw a n yo n e do was sit a ro u n d a n d move a few boxes h e re and there to create the i l l usion that we deserved o u r $ 7 . 0 0 a n hour. My j o b function consisted mostly of brea k i n g open the occasional N e rf sh ipment a n d "playtest i n g " the toys a l l n i g ht. S u re , that stuff was meant for someone else, but the co m pa ny's i n s u ra nce would cover it. It was free Nerf as far as I was concerne d ) . I

I decided to " q u it" RPS one n ig ht ( a n d by "qu it", I mean to say that I physica lly demeaned the 5 ' 2" late n ig h t secu rity g u a rd by ru bbing h i s head and c a l l i n g h i m "cutie". Th is was met rather q u ickly by the b l u nt end of his Mag-Lite a n d a veritable honor g u a rd of a n escort out of the b u i l d i n g ) , a n d s i n ce I had j ust lost my scholars h i p to college d u e to sleeping i n class a l l day - because of late n ig ht work, oddly e n o u g h - a n d st ill had the futile intention to graduate, I was desperate for a late - n i g h t solution to my fu nds-to-e x pe n d it u re ratio p rob l e m . I had to d o SOMETHING for money. I thought a bout whoring my body out to d i rty old men or s e l l i n g hash made from yard g rass and pencil shavings to h i g h school kids, but I felt that as a fu ture writer ( h a h a , right), I needed, for once i n my life, to i n d u l g e i n something TRULY dark and evil . . . Somet h i n g from wh ich i m meas u ra ble pa i n a n d e m ba rrassment would come, so that I could have a n experience to d ra w u po n for i nsp i ration i n the future. Natu ra l ly, Wa i­ Mart was the first thing that came to m i n d . heard a bout the position from a friend of m i n e who, at h i s request, s h a l l rem a i n n a m e less. H e was working the early morning sh ift at the t i m e . H e explained that the electronics department needed a fu l l time em ployee on the ove rn ight sh ift because the last person who worked there was ca ught masturbating to a Cindy Cra wford workout ta pe at 2 AM w h i l e the other em ployees were i n the b re a k room on " l u n ch ". I

I'm not kidd i n g . 2

The Wai-Mart Story

Th is story was q u ickly validated by the other e m ployees on the sh ift the day I started. In a l l honesty, I fe lt kinda bad for t h e poor g u y. H e j ust fe lt a n urge a n d decided to satisfy it, and I'm s u re that it did n't occur to t h i s d yn a m o of a n a lytic thought that even though he was i n the back corner of the department a n d it may have fe lt private and fa i rly sec u re, it st i l l placed h im s q u a re i n the middle of a g i g a ntic store chock fu l l of customers, e m ployees, a n d some secu rity ca m e ras (of which o n ly two i n the entire store worked : one of the front registers a n d the shoe department were u n der co nsta nt s u rveilla nce. The rest of the store, however, was shopliftl a n d ) . O n ce t h e charges were filed a n d he was serv i n g time for pu blic expos u re, I'm s u re h e learned h i s lesson a n d w i l l never eve r do it a g a i n . decided to g ive it a shot, so I showed u p one Wed nesday at 2 : 00 PM for the Wa i - M a rt pre-interview vid eocassette viewing. After that hearty 3 0 m i n ute n a p, I was h u d d led i nto a corner of the room with a m a n a g e r to beg i n the actu a l i n terview. Believe it o r not, the interview process for Wa i - M a rt was pretty god d a m ne d thoroug h , especia lly consideri ng the j o b paid six dollars a n h o u r a n d entai led weari ng a b l u e schmock, clea n i n g u p after d u l l a rd s a n d a nswering, for the 1 00th time in a n hour, the exact same q u estions that s h o u ld be com m o n sense. I c a n not co u n t the n u m be r of times this exact exchange would take place on a g iven day : I

Customer: " Excuse me, do you have a Toy Department?"

What I was thinki ng: "What??? Do we have a TOY DEPARTMENT??? What the h e l l kind of q u estion i s that! This i s WAL-MART, fl a pjack. The toy department is o n ly the biggest department i n t h is store ! Does that extra chromosome i m p a i r you r vision, too? Can you not see the g ig a ntic b l u e a nd ye l low s i g n h a n g i n g u p w h e n you w a l k i n the door that says 'TOYS'? ! ?"

What I actually said: "Yeah, it's down there." No, I wasn't at ALL bitter. Anyway, after a two hour i n terview, a drug test, mult i p le ca lls to the refe rences I listed and a two week waiting period, I was fi n a lly accepted into the ra n ks of the Sam Walton e l ite : I beca me Joe "The Overn i g h t Electronics Department Em ployee" Peacock. O h s u re, the title may S O U N D a l l regal a n d excit i n g , but in rea lity, the job was a complete n ig ht m a re .

3

Mentally Incontinent

Fi rst off, you a bsolutely must u n d e rstand one cru c i a l fact a bout life - and this fact w i l l re m a i n constant fo reve r : N O O N E NO RMAL works the ove r n i g ht s h ift ANYW H E R E . Th is fact is especia l ly evident at Wa i-Mart, w h e re not only a re you working ove rnight i n a g i g a ntic waste land of a career path, you a re doing so a long side people who clea n department store floors a n d stock Liquid Dawn d i s h soa p and various salty Golden Flake snacks on shelves e i g h t hours a n i g h t for a l i v i n g . I N GEORGIA. These people weren't exactly what one w o u ld co nsider to be mem bers of the conversat ion a l e l ite . I would have believed that these people were o n l y a prote i n stra n d away from being co nsidered s i n g le-ce l led be i ngs, except that it defi n itely takes more than one cell to produce the s m e l l s that ema nated from most of them. Add to this co nglomeration of education a l ly i nept rednecks the fact that they actua lly had q u ite a n ela borate social structure b u i lt into their l ittle g ro u p, one that d i d NOT read i ly i n c l u d e people who pronounce the word "gre e n " with o n ly o n e sylla ble or have, at a ny po int i n their lives, read so m u c h as the advertise ment o n a book of matches. It turned out that the overnight s h ift at Wa i-Mart wasn't a very st i m u lating work experience. My first few weeks were rife with frustration, the li kes of which I had never experienced before a n d honestly haven't experienced s i nce. Because I was the new kid, a n d because I j ust d i d NOT belong in their I ittle socia I structure, I ended u p the victim of several "fu n ny" little p ra n ks . I was told that the electronics person on overnight had to cover for the pet d e pa rtment, w h i ch was on the opposite e n d of the store. I was also i n formed that d u ri n g my down t i m e I was to pitch in a n d h e l p other departments stock their wares. It was common for the first few weeks to find me putting away stock that wasn't i n my department, meanwhile b e i n g paged back to my department every 10 m i n utes for customers who, accord i n g to the paging person, had mysteriously "just left". Between stock i n g bars of Ivory, run n i n g to my department every 10 m i n utes for pha n tom custo m e rs , a n d jogging over to the pets department to scoop fish for people who had no i ntention of actually pu rchasing t h e m , I was pretty worn out every day w h e n my shift en d e d . It was a bout a month before I found out that neither the Ivory nor the fish were my responsibility, a n d that s i nce my department was home to some of the most expensive and eas i ly shoplift-a ble items in the store, leav i n g my department was actua lly a H U G E no-no. For a l l of my h a rd work a n d w i l l i n g ness to " pitch i n " a ro u n d the various departme nts, I received a big fat " Needs Im provement" o n my o n e month probatio n a ry report - wh ich, oddly enough, o n ly bothered me because of the idea that Wa i - M a rt a ctua lly had one-month probationary reports for people d o i n g such m u n d a n e tas ks. 4

The Wai-Mart Story

Once I lea rned the truth a bout my "extra d uties" and s u bsequ ently told those who asked me to do them to "fuck them selves", t h i n g s kind of leveled o u t a n d beca m e actua lly q u ite s i m ple for m e . My da ily routine eventua l ly ran as fo l l ows : I would arrive at the store a bout 10 :00 PM, help the 3rd s h ift person clean u p, receive my stock a bout m i d n ig ht, put it a l l away by 1 :00 A M , and kick back and watch the b ra n d - n e w d i g ita l sate l l ite TV network that had j ust co m e out, or some of the latest in this new movie technology ca l led " DVD" w h i l e doing m y homework u ntil 6 : 00 A M , w h e n I left the store for class. I was beco m i n g q u ite h a p py with m y ro utine, despite the fact that I was s u rro u nded by undereducated red neck m o l l u sks who, w h i l e I was watch i n g movies and the bra n d new MTV2 network, were b u sy stocking detergent a n d mops that they, j u st a few months prior, had a g u l l i ble and eager-to-please college kid do for them w h i l e they sat i n the back room and turned the walls yellow with their t h ree pack-a-day tobacco h a bit. Th is is when t h i n g s started going dow n h i l l . As t i m e progressed, my m a na g e r started noticing d iscrepancies on my inventory reports every morn i n g . Every n i g h t when I took over the sh ift, I had a little note that re m i nded me to check the battery co u n t a g a i n o r ve rify that the fi l m cou nt m atched u p with the printout, beca use the rac k was off by o n e . I wou ld co unt a n d co u nt a g a i n , and the counts would match exactly with the ones o n the little inve ntory printout I had j u st received from o u r h a ndy d a n d y co m puter term i n a l . It baffled m e , why th is m a n would keep i nsisting that I verify counts on the inve ntory he had a pparently counted j u st that morn i n g , but I d i d n 't rea lly pay m uch attention to it. I d i d n't s pend too m a n y cycles wondering w h y the a l m i g hty com puter system at a d i scou nt department store was screw i n g u p n u m bers. I fig u red "It's o n e godd a m n roll of fi l m i n one Wa i-Mart . It costs fou r bucks. O u r p rofit last year was i n the tens of m i llions. S a m WILL get over this." But this was not a problem that faded away easi ly. More a n d more inve ntory beg a n d isappearing ove rnight from my department with n o a pparent cause. Over t i m e , a rol l of fi l m o r a pack of batteries turned i n to several rolls or packs, wh ich then g rad uated to video ga mes, pri nter cartridges, a n d eve ntually a te levision. It tru ly made n o sense to me, but every s i n g le eve n i n g I would get increasingly terse notes that stated that certa i n areas of o u r inve ntory were experiencing u n a ccounted for reductions. I would watch the department l i k e a h a w k: Not a s i n g le custo m e r made it i n a n d o u t of the department on my s h ift without my eyes g l ued d i rectly to them , a n d I never ONCE saw a n y of them sca n n i n g the area nervously w h i l e shov i n g a television i n their k n ickers. The morn ing s h ift e m ployee a rrived at 5 : 30 AM for register co unt a n d sh ift change, So the theft cou l d n 't be ta king place between o u r s h ifts. The d isa ppeara nces were a bsol utely not 5

Mentally Incontinent

happening. Nonetheless, i nventory was a ppare ntly va n i s h i n g from the sh elves every morning and rea ppearing every eve n i n g when I started my s h ift. O n e morn i n g , I was confronted by the overn ight manager a bout t h is situation. I, of course, was co m p l etely mystified a n d had n o clue what exactly was ta k i n g place. I wal ked over to the offe n d i n g aisle of printer cartridges a n d demon strated for h i m that the count matched EXACTLY with w h at was on h i s new morning printou . . . h m m . That's odd . It actu a l l y WAS off by one. No o n e had even come i nto m y department that eve n i n g . There was n o way possible that a n y of the inve ntory could have l eft the d e pa rtment that eve n i n g . Someth i n g , somewhere , st u n k. Bad ly. After a day or two of a s k i n g a ro u n d on the overn ight sh ift, the morn i n g m a n a g e r, not s u rprising ly, received a bsolutely horrible reviews of my performance fro m the other em ployees. The part that rea l ly fried my turkey was the fact that the ove rnight m a nager, Dari u s , s u p po rted the c l a i m s of the ove rni g ht staff that not o n ly was I lazy but I was a lso pi lferi n g the stock for perso nal g a i n . I was FURIO U S ! I d i d my job a n d I d i d it w e l l ! I m e a n , come o n . . . How can one s u c k at watc h i n g free satellite TV? Many times a n eve n i n g h e would stop by a n d tell m e I was doing a g reat job . . . Why, a l l of a sudden, would he confirm s u c h m a n u re by these losers? I explained my case - nay, pleaded - to the morn i n g m a n ger, to n o ava i l . U n fortu nately, when a n entire ove rnight s h ift at a Wa i - M a rt hates you a n d their o p i n ions get confi rmation from the shift m a nager, a n yth i n g you say to a n yone w h o isn't there to see the comedy of errors take place j u st is NOT g o i n g to believe you . W h i ch leads to a deeper, da rker secret than work i n g at Wa i ­ Mart : I, Joe The Peacock, was actua lly FIRED from Wa i-Mart. I w o u ld say o n ly a retard cou ld get fired from Wa i - M a rt, but this isn't true: even the door g reeter with Down's Syn d rome who once bit a fe male customer's i n n e r left thigh and refused to let g o was sti l l e m ployed . I was co m p letely mortifi e d . visited the store the fo llowing week to pick u p my fi nal paycheck, where I met u p that n a m e less fri end from wayyyy back there in the beg i n n i n g , the one who i n itially ti pped m e off about the opening i n the first place. He had heard a l l the rum ors a n d gossip, and fortu nately h e was pretty tight with a few of the overnight e m ployees. Conversation naturally ensued a n d I d i scovered that, i n a n attem pt to fra me me for theft, some of those m a g n ificent meat-heads were u s i n g the i nve ntory g u n to go i n a n d scan ite m s , then i n c reasing the inve ntory by o n e i n the computer every morn i n g for the morn i n g printout so that it looked l i ke w e had u n accounted for shri nkage i n inve ntory. Pretty crafty, I m ust say, especially s i nce at that t i m e the I

6

The Wai-Mart Story

inve ntory system d i d n't record what t i m e a change was made if it had been m a n u a lly entered. It o n ly paid attention when t h i n g s were sca n n ed i n from the truck or sca n ned out at the register a n d went out the door. The worst part of the entire conversation ca me w h e n it was revea led that the ove rnight m a nager, Darius, was actu ally i n o n the whole sca m as we l l . The o n ly val idation of m y perso n a l c h a racter came when I asked h i m what I had done to piss them off so badly. H e re plied : " Dude, you d i d n 't d o a n yth i n g . These are s i m ple people who a re not worthy of your hatred. You don't belong i n a job l i ke Wa i-Mart. Everyo n e knows it. One day, you w i l l become a fa mous writer a n d a mass a h u g e fo l l ow i n g . People w i l l adore you a n d look at you a s a n infl u e nce for themselves a n d their c h i l d re n . Statues w i l l be e rected i n you r honor. A ca r w i l l be n a m ed after you . You w i l l eventua l ly evolve into p u re energy a n d u nde rsta nd the true natu re of God." H e rea lly d i d say that. Hon estly. No k i d d i n g . Yo u co u l d ask h i m yourself, but s i nce he DID ask m e not to reveal h is ide ntity, I ca n 't g ive out h i s n a m e . H e can never ever deny that he said a n y of these t h i n g s . M y word i s law. D i s be l ieve at your own peri l . As you can i m a g i n e , hearing a l l of this stuff a bo u t the co nspiracy made m e a bit a n g ry. And of course, w h e n a n g e r is involved, revenge is not very far be h i n d . At least, i n my world it's not. I truly felt that a co m pa n y who would e n gage i n these nefarious practices deserved some heavy d uty payback. After our conve rsation, I went home to plot out one of the most g l o rious pia n s for reve nge ever conceived - well, maybe not ever conceived by, l i ke , everyone . . . but defin itely the most g l o rious eve r conceived by M E . I need to m a ke it a bsolutely clear that for leg a l reasons, I do not reco m m e n d that a n yo n e ever reenact the following descriptions of my actions. If a nyone chooses to ta ke it u pon themselves to reenact the fo l l o w i n g plan, I ca n n ot be held lia ble, res ponsi ble, or a nyth i n g else that means "It's Joe's fault I d id this" for the outco m e . I do, however, heartily e ndorse your decision to d o so. I w o n 't accept res pon s i b i l ity for yo u r actions, but I WILL send you some awesome g reeti n g cards a n d pat you on the back once you a re released from j a i l . The day after Tha n ksgiving is notorious for being the s i n g l e busiest shopping day of the e nt i re yea r. Natura l ly, every s i n g l e Wa i ­ Mart store i n the nation is com p letely swam ped with parents hoping to find g reat deals on stupid toys that t h e i r chi l d re n w i l l co m pletely destroy wit h i n four m i n utes of opening the package. This fact does not stop them from com ing i n DROVES to h a n d over their hard earned money for the chea ply made k n ickknacks. Knowing this, I set u pon pla n n i ng the ulti mate revenge which w o u ld ta ke place o n that infa m ous day.

7

Mentally Incontinent

Being the g u y who set u p j ust a bout everyth ing i n that department for a l most seven months, A few s m a l l advantages were m i n e a n d m i n e a lo n e . For instance, I was the only o n e w h o knew the lock out codes for the D i recTV system (then ca l led U S S B ) , w h i ch was located i n the d e m o cabinet that was actu a l l y a floor model of a n enterta i n m ent center we sold i n the furniture department. Along with the D i recTV system was the d e m o DVD player ( w h ich ha ppened to play Video CD's that could be m ad e on a perso n a l co m pute r, sho ul d one feel so i n c l i n e d ) a n d d e m o VCR. Incidental ly, I was the o n ly e m ployee that even knew that there were keys for that ca bi net because one eve n i n g I opened the ca binet to find keys h a n g i n g from a staple on the i nside of the u n it. I g ra bbed them a n d put them on my key ring, fig u ring that s i n ce I was pretty much the o n ly person here capable of rea d i n g the la bels o n the buttons and therefore was t h e only o n e w h o would ever access the ca b i net that they would co me i n h a ndy. We never ever locked the ca binet, so i q u ickly forgot t h e keys even existe d . Very co nvenien tly, I ha ppen to accidenta l ly keep those keys after I left the co m pa n y (the o n ly copy of those keys, actu a l ly, wh ich adds to the overa l l h u m or) . I also ha ppened to be the only one with a l l the CMOS a n d screensaver passwords to a l l the d e m o PC's in the d e pa rtment. My m ajor advantage was the knowledge that, w h i l e there were two department pho nes present on the co unters near the registers, there was actua l ly a third l i n e that was active but u n used u nder the m a i n CD rack i n the center of the department. Th a n ksgiving n i g ht, the store closed from a ro u n d 4 : 00 PM u ntil 1 2 : 0 0 A M . At 1 2 : 0 1 A M , I e ntered the store and began working on m y pl a n . The morn ing m a n ager never got a ro u n d to fi l l i n g m y position, a n d 8 0 °/o of the workforce had the n i g ht off for the holiday, so the store was l itera lly my playgro u n d . First, I g l i ded over to the d e m o machine cabi net a n d verified that it was u n locked, It was, j u st as I fig u red It would be, si nce I was the only one with keys. I im med iately attacked the satellite syste m , locking out every cha n n e l except for "The H ot Network", a h a rdcore pornography channel w h ich I then ordered a fu ll day of progra m m i n g for. W h i l e i n the cab i n et, I inserted a special Video CD I had b u rned that afternoon especially for this occasion into the d e m o DVD u n it, then I put a s pecial V H S tape I m ad e i nto the VCR. I turned off a l l the u n its so that the screens for the te levisions would j ust show black. I then locked the d e m o cabinet u p a nd stole a l l the remotes for the systems from the front d rawer. After that, I turned u p the vo l u m e o n every s i ng l e TV to Max . I moved on over to the PCs a n d changed a few settings on a l l of the m , then rebooted them to lock the passwords i n . Final ly, I took a cordless telephone from the department a n d plugged it into the afore m entioned vacant store phone jack, h id i n g the base of the u n it with boxes of inventory. I ran over to the pha rmacy section to plug i n the remote charger a n d phone rece iver so that it would be fully 8

The Wai-Mart Story

c h a rged for the next morn i n g . Everyth ing i n place, I left the store with a g iga ntic s m i l e on my face. Natu ra l ly, the store was FLOODED starting at six o'clock that morning, the time at w h ich a l l the special sales were to beg i n . The traffic in and out of the store was a bsolutely astou n d i n g . There were lines s pecifical ly to wait for a place i n l i n e for the registers. Aro u n d 1 1 :00 A M , I showed u p a n d easily breezed t h ro u g h the store. D u e to the vol u m e of customers i n the store, I blended right i n . Not a s i n g le person there recognized m e at a l l . I went over to my rigged electronics department to d o a fi n a l s u rvey of the a re a . A l l the te levisions were o n , screens black, a s m a l l message at the bottom of the screen said "sig nal u na va i lable". A l l of the demo PC's had rolled over to their screen savers, which scrolled i n b l u e text on a red backgro u nd " I AM A LUCKY COM PUTER ! TAK E M E H O M E ! ". Moving the mouse o r using the keyboard wou ld not disable the screen saver since it had a password . Everything looked ready. ran over to my secret h i d i n g a rea i n the pha rmacy, the o n l y department not completely rav ished by the h o l id a y shopping crowd, a n d p u lled out the cordless phone. I tested it . . . It worke d ! My n e rves began s w i m m i n g and my feet ting led as I entered the code for a n overhead page a n d blew into the receiver a few times. Lo a n d behold, my little puffs were clearly a u d i b l e over the intercom. I

It was time for the festivities to beg i n . Using the paging system I had j u st h ijacked, I a n n o u n ced i n a clear a n d reso u n d i n g ton e : "Greetings, Wa i - M a rt holiday shoppers ! Th a n k you so m uch for com i n g out this wonde rfu l day to take advantage of o u r special deals! One of our unadvertised spec i a ls is ta k i n g place RIGHT N O W ! For the n ext 30 m i n utes i n the electronics department, if you see a co m p uter with a message scro l l i n g across that says 'I A M A LUCKY COM PUTER! TAK E M E H O M E ! ! ! ,' that compute r's model is 70 °/o off the a l ready low sale price ! These com puters a re first co me, first serve, so h u rry to the electronics department a n d as a l ways, t h a n k you for sho pping Wa i-Ma rt." The flood gates opened. made my way a lo n g with hordes of bargain h u nters to the electronics department to witness the l u c ky shoppers sea rch for the co m puter models that were "on sale". Asto u n d i n g ! Every s i n g l e m a c h i n e had a demo model w h ich scrolled the magic p h rase ! Wai-Mart's policy is to honor a n y advertised price, and i n -store a n n o u ncements certa i n ly q u a l ified as a n advertisement, so this would natura l l y put a g i g a n tic dent i n their n o rma l operatio n a l activ ity. B ut my actu a l intention was not to screw Wa i - Ma rt on the price of their crappy Acer a n d Packard Bell co m puters; it was to build a n a u d i e n ce for the actu a l revenge. I

9

Mentally Incontinent

As the depa rt m e nt reached a ca pacity bordering on critica l , I pu lle d out m y stolen remotes for the demo u n its a n d t u rned a l l three of them o n . I m med iately, the top row of telev isions, at fu l l vol u m e , fl i p ped to i m ages from the satellite TV system wh ich was locked on h a rdcore pornogra p hy, the m id d l e tier of te levisions were showing images from the VCR w h ich conta i n ed a movie cleverly e ntitled " W h e re The Boys A re n 't Vo l u m e 1 2 - Sorority S leep Over", a n d the bottom row of televisions were playing footage from the DVD system which conta i n ed a Video CD chock fu l l of down loaded German "Sch e i Be" fi l m s from various newsgro u ps across Usenet (if you d o n 't know what 'Sche i Be ' m e a n s , send a self-a d d ressed sta m ped envelope to the a d d ress i n the front of t h is book a n d I'll send you a s a m p l e ) . There is a bsolutely n o way I can describe the res u lt i n g chaos better tha n you are probably i m a g i n i n g it, so I w i l l leave it alone, mention i n g o n ly that I barely managed to crawl out of the store beca use I was dou bled over fro m la u g hter. O h , what a h a p py holiday season I had that yea r. I heard later from my n a m e less friend that, from what h e heard , the the te levision "wall o' fi lth" actually played at fu l l vol u m e for the better part of a n hour! The department was so packed with spectators that the e m ployees o n hand - i n e pt reta rds, every single one of t he m - could barely move t h rough to the d e m o cabinet wh ich they were a l l so busy trying to u n l ock, they fa i led to realize that they co uld s i m ply t u rn off the te levisio n s . Overa l l , accord i ng to m y buddy, the panic a n d u n rest went on for longer than six h o u rs . H e co ntinued worki ng there, and a bout s i x months after that g lorious and most holy event, he told m e that they st i l l h a d n 't fig u red out how I had h ijacked the paging syste m . I have been tem pted to p u l l the entire stunt once a g a i n , but i n my efforts to leave the store, I neg lected to take the c h a rg e r for the phone with me, and the battery has long si nce d i e d . The best part of it a l l : They accidentally paid m e for a not her two weeks after I had been fired . A few weeks after m a i l i n g m e the check for the work I d i d n 't actually ever clock i n for, they sent a letter expla i n i ng that this was a n error i n the payroll system a n d requested that I send the money back. I wrote the word 'Sch eiBe' with a chocolate bar o n the letter a n d m a i led it back, wondering if they w o u l d get the joke. I then put the money into a tech-heavy stock portfolio wh ich about a yea r ago lost eve ry cent that it m ad e for m e . Oh w e l l . Easy come, easy go.

10

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WINNER

# of Votes

Late N ight Adventu res At Kroger

22°/o ( 6 )

Other Stories

# of Votes

The Wai-Mart Story

40% ( 1 1 )

The Adventures of Three Complete Morons

7%

(2)

Hey, You ! Get Back Here With My Dignity!

7%

(2)

A Roller Skating Story Named Saturday

4%

Happy Friday 13th!

4%

(1) (1)

The Whistle Pop

4%

A Telemarketer Story

4%

Georgia Weather

0%

(1) (1) (0)

My comments: Th is story is the oth e r w i n n er from the first time I ever held a cha pter vote. I s ho u l d probably use this space to t a l k a bout sered i p ity a n d stra n g e happenings i n life. I should explain w h at a "Wierd ness Magnet/1 is a n d use that to i l l u strate how m y life te nds to follow a stra nge path. Instead, I'm j ust going to say, once a g a i n , that I fi n d g reen ketc h u p to be a n a b o m i n atio n . I hate it. I hate it very, very m u c h , and I honestly fee l that any kid who eats it w i l l e n d u p a sex u a l deviant.

Reader comments : "All I can say i s you 're right a bout that Cat Chow theory."

-Beebs " Hey Joe? Did I hear the cats l a u g h i n g ? "

-PappysEviiTwin

Mentally Incontinent

Late N i g ht Adventures At Kroger

The place : Kroger. The ti m e : 4 : 0 4 A M . The m ission : I need cat food, s h a m poo, a n d LaChoy Egg Rolls for l u nch tomorrow. Amazing ly, Kroger is rather b u sy at 4 :04 AM o n Saturday morning ... W h ich is rea l ly l ucky for m e . Th is way, I have som eth i n g to write a bout. I enter El K rogero at a bout 4 :04 AM (as I stated earlier) . I m a ke a d i rect ru n for the cosmetics a i sle a n d g ra b some Pantene for my wife who is at home asleep i n bed d rool i n g a l l over my p i l low that s h e u s u a lly steals w h e n I stay u p late . I then m a ke my way over to the Cat/Dog/g enera l d o m estic pets aisle and note that had I gotten there sometime ea rlier that day I co uld have saved a bout two b u c ks on a 10 l b bag of the Cat Chow but, unfortunate ly, they had si nce sold a l l of the 10 l b bags of Cat Chow ( I l i ke saying Cat Chow. Cat Chow Cat Chow Cat Chow. Go on, try saying it. It is soot h i n g and m a kes y o u r mouth feel g reat ) . S i n ce I had j u st suffered a n i ntense confrontation by my fou r h u n g ry a n d overweight cats, I k n ew I had n o choice but to pay more for the s m a l l e r size . Crap . . life isn't fair sometimes . . . I move o n to the "egg ro ll" a isle. I g ra b s o m e . Noth i n g majorly exciting here . Why not? Because they were egg rolls, for christssake. Quit obsessing a n d read o n , please. I then move thro u g h the store to the lone cash ier. Th is is w h e re read i n g a l l the crap before t h is becomes a bit more worth w h i l e . Let's see . . there are four people i n front of m e , t h e cas h i e r, and some w01n a n who a pparently knows the cash ier. Maybe his mother, beca use she was g iv i n g h i m one hell of a hard ti m e . Someth i n g a bout some g i rl not be i n g good e n o u g h for h i m . I o n l y liste n ed because I had noth i n g else to do . . . I was waiting i n a cas h i e r l i n e at Kroger at 4 : 0 5 i n the morn i n g with fo u r people i n front of m e . I needed the enterta i n m ent. The people in front of m e , i n ord e r from closest to furthest from me: 1 ) Old black w o m a n , h a i r i n rol l e rs, wearing a bathrobe and s l i p pers. 2 ) Late night e m p loyee of Federal Express, pres u m a bly 12

Late Night Adventures At Kroger

on h i s way home, j ust sto ppi ng i n for something to eat and a bevera g e . 3 ) A pretty ro u g h looking urban youth holding a bottle of Sna pple a n d g lancing a bout nervously ( a h h , fores hadow i n g . . one of m y favorite l iterary devices . . . ) 4 ) A 3 0 -somet h i n g generic looking wh ite d u d e picking u p g u m , a TV G u i d e , some m i l k (cause it does a body good, man . . ) and a frozen pizza . Okay, the stage is set. Let's get this play movi n g . Cash ierboy is getting a harsh rid i n g from h i s mother. Genericg uy i s try i n g h i s best to pay by credit card, but a p pa rently Cashierboy's mother y e l l i n g at h i m is a bit much for h i m to h a n d l e , as he screws u p the transaction not o n ce, not twice, but th ree times in a row. H i s mother g ives h i m s h it a bout t h is as wel l . Cash ierboy is getting irate. Genericguy looks back i n l i n e , d iverting h i s atte ntion from the mother/son a rg u m e n t that e n s u e d . We m a ke eye contact. I g r i n . He s h rugs a n d s m i les. He looks back at Cas h ie rboy. Cas h i e rboy fi n a l ly m a kes the machine behave, despite h i s mothe r's i l l temper. H orray, tra nsaction goes t h rou g h . J u st t h e n , C u rlerwom a n d rops o n e of her g roceries o n the g ro u n d . It's a bottle of ketc h u p .

Green

ketc h u p .

Wh ich i s j ust pla in ri d iculous. Who t h e h e l l eats g reen ketc h u p ? ? We ll, besides t h is lady, of cou rse. We l l , not n ow . . she j u st d i s pensed the entire bottle's contents i n a rat h e r hasty m a n n e r a l l over the floor a n d g u m rack . . . and the Fed Ex g uy. Fed ExMan looks down j u st as h i s dark navy trousers a re spotted with what looks l i ke what would ha ppen if Speck from Star Tre k fell to the floor d u r i n g a n epi leptic seizure and s p l it h is head open. In o rd e r to better s u rvey the situation with h is trousers, h e starts to d uc k dow n . On h i s way down, h e is probably t h i n ki n g "Oh my, look at a l l t h is g reen stuff on my pants . . . this is such a mess . . . OOOOOWWWWWWWWW ! ! !". I say this, because j u st as he beg i n s h is descent, C u rl e rwoman bends down to try to beg i n the clea n u p effort. Inevitably, as i n a l l a bsolutely ridiculous but u nfortu nately true stories, the two collide. I make the patented " U n iversal Noise of Dispa i r and Shock" with the accom panying facial g rimace . I bend down a n d ask if they are okay. Fed ExGuy does a n exaggerated nod with this h a n d to h i s head, s i g n a l i n g that w h i l e he isn't really fee l i n g a l l that good about it, the damage was relatively m i nor a n d after h is ego recovers from the bru s i n g , h e w i l l be j ust fi ne. Curlerwo m a n kind of g ig g l es and m a kes a 13

Mentally Incontinent

face l i ke a l l i s okay, then wi nces as s h e puts her h a n d to her head a n d notices that the h u ma n m a l e s k u l l , if so inclined , can become q u ite the instru ment of pa i n . I take g reat comfort i n the fact that these two have made it through t h i s little fiasco with little to no d amage aside from the obvious e m ba rrassment. Th is is wh ere the odd m u s i c a n d the slow-motion cameras beg a n . J u st as we a l l looked u p a n d back toward the fro nt of the l i ne, we a l l kind of collectively g a s pe d i n s h oc k from the sudden a ppearance of a HANDGUN from the h a rd - looking urban youth . Apparently, t h i s young man was a bit u n h a ppy with h i s cu rrent fiscal status a n d decided the best way to elevate said status was to rob a 1 8 year old clerk at the loca l Kroger at 4 : 06 AM w h i l e h is mother was yelling at h i m a bout dating ha rlots, a n old lady spl attered what ca n o n ly be thought of as a gross bastardization of a once g reat co n d i m ent a l l over a package handler for a national s h i p p i n g service who probably thought that a q u ick bite to eat was beco m i n g less a n d less worth the effort, a poor moron ( m e ) who was j u st trying to s h u t his cats u p a n d m a ke s u re h i s wife had clean h a i r i n the morn i n g , a n d a n UNDERCOVER COP w h o, before now, looked fairly u n a s s u m i n g ( beca use, well, that's h i s j o b ) who had at that i n stant tu rned into a one m a n "fuck you" m a c h i n e . The next fo u r seco n d s were probably t h e most intense fou r seconds I have experienced i n my entire life. I can actu a l l y say that I know what it feels l i ke to be i n B u l letTi me™ slow motion now. I ca n't really tell you exactly w h at ha ppened, however, because honestly I have no clue - It was a l l one big i ntense b l u r. W h at I DO know is that if any of you rea d i n g t h is ever get it in your head that it wou ld be a good idea to knock over a g rocery store ea rly i n the morn i n g , m a ke s u re you can vouch for the real identities of eve ry person near you w h e n you do it, a n d that none of them is a n u n dercover cop, because they w i l l put you o n you r ass a n d have t h e i r g u n to the back of your head faster than you can say " H O LY MOTHER O F CHRIST". I only know t h is because I tried to say " H O LY MOTH E R O F C H RIST" w h e n this thing started u p a n d h a d n 't gotten it out by the time the hard - loo k i n g u rban youth was begg i n g for mercy. Adm ittedly, it IS a bit of a long p h rase, but sti l l . . . the whole thing was fast. That is the point, you know . . . The s peed . . . O h , neverm i n d . Anyway, GenericG u nWieldingCopGuy has now subdued Th ug Boy, FedExGuy and C u rlerWoman are sta n d i n g there a l l black a n d b l u e a n d g re e n , a n d I have a big package of Purina Cat C h ow over my right shoulder and some s h a m poo a n d egg rolls i n my h a n d , kinda sta n d i n g there looking l i ke a big wh ite d u m bass with my mouth g a p i n g open, bewildered at the a bsolute a bs u rd ity of the past two m i n utes. 14

Late Night Adventures At Kroger

Th is is l itera l ly the most s u rreal mo ment of my entire life. I was witness i n g a n eve n t that if scripted exactly a s it had j u st h a p pe n ed i n a movie w o u ld have d rawn fire from every major critic i n the co u ntry for having such a n a b s u rd ly written sce ne. And now, I am writi ng a bout it so that the tens of you who actua lly bought this book ca n e m a i l me and say "Dude, why do you l i ke o ra n g e so m uc h ? "

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WINNER

The Gift Other Stories

# of Votes 52°/o ( 1 7 ) # of Votes

This One Time, I n Wrestling Camp . . .

18%

(6)

Hell, No, I Won't Go

18%

(5)

Leaving On A Jetplane

12%

(4)

My comments: Okay, i f you 've never read t h is story before a n d you 're a bit sensitive to "gross" h u m or, you m ig ht want to j u st s k i p this cha pter. Cause it's rea l ly g ross. I mean real ly, rea lly g ross . And no, I'm not really a Scientologist. But I d i d once attend one of t h e i r l ittle open h o u se meeti ngs they hold on Sat u rdays downtow n . Why? To eat a l l the free Triscuits w ith little s q u a res of h a m a n d swiss o n them , of cours e ! Because Triscuits is YUMMY ( I wrote 'is' on pu rpose, 'cause they i s ) .

Reader co mments: " H o . . . Ho . . . Homygod . holy . . . homygod . I s i m ply can not stop la u g h i n g . Visuals of ' D u m b and D u m ber' were fly i n g t h rough m y head, a s well as less-tha n - pleasant re m i nders that YES, I have seen d isasters of the intesti n e l i ke this. And it leaves a powerfu l mark on one's psyche. Exce llent. "

-larsoncc (of www.StageSelect.com) "RAOTFFLMFAOHCTWFF ! ! ! ! ! ! Th a n ks Joe, for m a k i n g my day! That h as to be THE fu n n iest t h i n g ever! ! ! ! "

-Ogopogo

The Gift

The Gift

I was at a friend of a friend of a friend's house for a pa rty (w h ich, ro u g h ly tra n s l ated, means I knew only two people i n the entire place). I was sta n d i n g around clueless, being introduced to a bunch of people I w o u ld n 't re m e m be r i n the morning a n d w i s h i n g my w i fe was n't having such a good time so we could get the h e l l out of there , when s u d d e n ly the u rg e to relieve myself struck. Being a rather s i m ple problem with a rather s i m p l e solution, I made my way to the restroom off of the m a i n h a l l downsta i rs with n a ry a thought a bout the situation . I entered the tiny h a lf-bath a n d closed the door b e h i n d me, a n d as I heard the soft click of the latch m a ke its way s h u t I u n zi p ped a n d pre pa red to do what came natura l ly. I bent down and as I lifted the l i d , shock a n d s u rprise filled me as I saw w h at I swea r to god was the largest log of fecal matter I have ever seen i n my e ntire l ife floating on the s u rface of the crystal b l u e water. To say this th i n g was l a rge is a total understatement. Th is t h i n g was enormous. Th i n k "Su bway 1 2 inch sandwich" and you would be on the right track. Now, Th i n k Jared Fogle before the Su bway d i et a n d you would be a l m ost right o n the m a rk . It was that big . The very first thought that ca m e to my m i n d was " J E S U S ! w hose a n u s i s larg e e n o u g h to accommodate THAT?" but ot her, more u rg e nt matters made their presence known . So I proceeded to evacuate my bladder into the to i l et. I tried my best to a i m for the porce l a i n right a bove the water line at the back of the bowl so as to better accommodate the entrance of my waste i nto the bowl without d i sturbing the m o n u m e nt to poor d ietary h a b its that had been left there. Th ings progressed natura l ly until my m i nd started to release its grip o n the a i m i n g of the stream a n d started t h i n ki n g more a bout how on earth somet h i n g of that m a g n itude co u ld have made its way out of any h u m a n being, at which point the stream i n tersected with the l u m p o' fo u l and began m isting u p a n d out of the bow l . This thing had re ndered my u ri n e aeros o l . There was now this spray of urine aga i n st the t a n k of the toilet a n d the walls i m med iately on either side. " D rat ! " I said i n my m i n d , wh ich ca me out of my mouth sou n d i ng l i ke "FUCK ! " I c u rsed the fie n d w h o had left t h is present for m e to contend with . Now I had to clean a mess that, by a l l rights, should n't have occurred. 17

Mentally Incontinent

I fi n is h ed my b u s i n ess a n d shook two times, then I put away the hardware and proceeded to deal with the task of clea n i n g my u rine off of the walls a nd tank. I looked at the toilet pa per rol l . None . I looked back i nto the toilet bowl and noticed, q u ite i ncidental ly, that there h a p pened to be a complete lack of to i let paper i n there as well. Now, norm a l ly when faced with a u ri n e on the wall situation which has the added fu n of a lack of clea n i n g mate ria l, one t h inks "how on eart h a m I going to clean t hi s now?" But my m i nd was locked on the fact that whoeve r left this massive loaf of g ross DID NOT WIPE AFTERWARD. That, m i xed with some of the worst crab d i p I have possibly ever eate n , d i d it. Knowing that someone I have o r probably wou ld associate with this eve n i n g was out i n the living roon1 with what had to be a bleeding rect u m d u e to the sheer m a g n itude of the g ift it bestowed m ixed with . . . w e l l . . . feces j ust made m e com pletely i l l . I vomited . Into the toilet. With the "g ift". Once recovered from the shock that a person goes t h ro u g h w h e n i n itially project i n g the vomit out of their esophag us, my eyes opened to see th is vomit a n d u ri n e covered brick of poo floati n g i n the now g reen bowl of my frie n d 's toilet. Out of sheer reflex, I w i n ced and turned my head. W h i l e sti l l vom iti n g . The linoleum was n u ke d . I looked around for someth ing to w i pe my mouth with, a n d fou n d not h i n g . No washcloths, no towels, noth i n g . So now, there was vomit on the l i n o l e u m , u rine on the walls, a n d a to i l et fu l l of the nastiest witches' brew of d i sg usting t h i n g s . And noth i n g to clean it u p with. Natu ra l ly, at that exact moment, someone else decided they needed to use the restroom a n d knocked at the door. "Just a m i n ute ! " I h it the s i n k , rinsed out my mouth, a n d ca m e to my senses : I had to d e a l with this situation, a n d fast. I thought the best way to get started was to get rid of the sou p that was beg i n n i ng to ferment i n the bow l , so I fl ushed. The water swirled a n d g reen nastiness was replaced with b l u e fresh ness . . . a l l b u t for the g iga ntic l i n k sti l l bobbing i n the toilet. Beautifu l . 18

The Gift

fl ushed a g a i n . It bobbed a n d s p u n , but would NOT go down the evacuator. I

*BANG BANG* "Hold on j ust a moment!" I ye l led . " H urry u p, I really need to g o ! " he ye l l ed back. "Can't you use the oth e r bathroom?" "Someone's a l ready i n it." "Sounds re ma rka bly s i m i la r to this one, doesn't it?" I asked. "Why d o n 't you go bang on that door?" " Beca use I'm a l ready down here a n d I REALLY g otta g o ! Please h u rry ! " Rea l izing that there is no way I could possibly leave t h is situation the way it was a n d m a i nta i n a d i g n ified relati o n s h i p with a n yone who would enter that den of filth after me at ALL, and that a n y explanation I co u ld poss i b ly g ive would never actually d o the job of ca using people to u n d e rsta nd the sce n e i n there, I knew that d rastic measures were going to have to be ta ken to solve this little paradox. I realized that u n der my Ra ngers j e rsey, I was wearing a b ra n d new, stra i g ht out of the package Hanes™ t-s h i rt. Without t h i n k i n g a bout the fact that it is Fe b ru a ry a n d j erseys a re n 't exactly the warmest of ga rments, I p u l led both s h i rts off a n d put the j e rsey back o n . I wet the t-shirt a n d began the a rduous tas k of mopping u p the mess I had created. As I mopped u p the l a ke of i l l ness o n the floor a n d rinsed a n d wrung out the t-s h i rt, I co u l d n 't h e l p but t h i n k that, considering the Ra ngers' recent performa nce, I had probably picked the more v a l u a ble of the two ga rments to perform this u n holy d uty w it h . Final ly, I had m a naged to get the mess u p a n d return the floor, walls, and ta n k to a state more closely rese m bl i n g clea n l i ness tha n the recent past had provided. And not a moment too soon, beca use j u st as I had wrung the last of my sick out of the t-sh i rt, the pounding started aga m . •

*BANG BANG BANG BANG* " H U RRY U P I N THERE ! " "Almost fin ished ! " I l ie d . "Just a n other second, I prom ise ! "

I

l ied

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aga m . "It's been 1 0 m i n utes ! Jesus, what a re you doing i n there?" " U m . . . P rayi n g ! " I re plied. "Oh, come o n ! " " No, I a m . I a m a Scientologist. We pray i n the restroom." There was a nota ble s i le n ce. Th e n s u dden ly, "WHAT? ! ? WHY?" 19

Mentally Incontinent

"The smooth ness of the porce lain better resonates o u r thoug hts to o u r Xe n u s i a n brothers." " ... What t h e devil a re you ta l k i n g a bout??" "On the 'advanced' levels - we ca l l them OT levels - above the state of 'Clea r', we encounter Xe n u . Xe n u gathered u p a l l the overpo p u lation i n t h i s sector of t h e ga laxy, b ro u g h t them h ere to Earth a n d then exterminated them u s i n g hydrogen bombs. The souls of these m u rdered people infested the body of everyone. They a re ca lled 'body thetan s'. We gotta get rid of them by p raying i n linoleum roo ms." H e offered no reply. So I conti n u ed . "It's a l l very compl icated. If you would l i ke, I can reco m m end a book you ca n read . . . "

''Would you just shut u p a n d H U RRY TH E FUCK UP??" he screa med . " Do n 't cast my re l i g i o n off, you fascist ! " *BANG* " H U RRY U P !" I conceded. "Ya h , o kay, I'm a l most done." I heard some m u m bl i n g and g ru m bl i n g , then a noth e r * BA N G * o n the door, followed by a very loud " Fucker. . . " Th e enemy had been s i lenced . Th is left m e with the issue of the world's largest co ntiguous mass of waste matter to contend with - and contend with it I a bsolutely had to, tha n ks to the l ittle e pisode that j ust occurre d . Everyo n e knew now that I was i n the bat h room a n d a l l eyes were o n me. I looked for a p l u n ger o r a can of a i r freshener - a n yt h i n g I co uld lift it out of the bowl with. No l uck. The o n ly resort was to g ra b the poo with the t-sh i rt, wrap it u p, and t h row it away. So I put the s h i rt around my h a n d . I reached i n to the tank. I g ra bbed the t h i n g a n d wrapped it u p . I looked for a ga rbage ca n . F U C K ! N O GARBAGE CAN ! ! *BANG BANG* "I'M TI RED O F WAITI N G ! OPEN THIS DOOR A N D G ET OUT!" F i n e . H e wants m e out? I'll leave then. I placed the wet a n d d i scolored fo rm e r t-s h i rt on the co u nter, opened the door, and ca m e face to face with this i rate bastard. Calm ly, I said " H ey, real q u ick, a re you doing n u mber one or n u m be r two?" "What the h e l l does it matter?" ''Believe m e , it does. Which one?" 20

The Gift

He g rit his teet h , then sighed . "Two, why?" "Th e re's no paper," I replied. "You a re going to have to use that old towel there o n the counter. Don't worry, it's clea n . I just used it to wash my face a second ago." He sighed a g a i n . "Ye a h , okay, tha n ks b uddy." * S LA M * went the door. * CLICK* went the latc h . About five m i n utes went by. . . And t h e n , from the other side of the downstairs bathroom door, ca me the most h ideous s h riek I had ever heard , fo llowed by a string of v u l g a rity so artistically crafted , it could o n l y be rivaled by my father. I decided that this was a good time to make my way out of the a partment and down the street to the Waffle House at the corner - A place I knew I co u ld have a decent cu p of coffee and not worry if a ny of it w i l l come out a n d end u p on the walls later.

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It Fee l s J u st Li ke It Sou n d s

My Comments: The W i ldcard Ro u n d was a cha nce for t h e Menta l l y Incontinent Foru m users to vote o n one of their favorite stories that d i d n 't m a ke it i nto the book. The Forum users are by far the most active and p ro m i n e n t members of the site, a nd as s u c h , I felt l i ke they sho ul d get a s h ot to pick their own a d d ition a l stories to go into the book. Th is story d i d n 't w i n . Not at first, a n yway. Ro m a n ce . Net was the first w i n n e r of the Wildcard Ro u n d voting . But because it tops out at 1 0 0 pages a l l by itse lf, it s i m ply won't fit into this book - not without ma ki ng major cuts i n oth e r places. So, I decided to m a ke a n executive decision and cut it out. So we h eld another W i ldcard Ro u n d , a n d that's w h e re we got t h i s story fro m . And j u st for t h e record, yes . It does feel j u st l i ke it sounds.

Reader comments: "$8 d o l l a r s h i rt from Ta rget vs. 1 wrecked Ho nda . Go Joe ! "

-noexit "Hats off to a n yone who can fi n d h u mo r i n getting h it by a car. . . I ad­ m i re t h e fact that the story d id n 't end with a lawsu it."

-Witchangel

It Feels Just Like It Sounds

It Feels J ust Like It Sou n d s

Some days are s i m ply better than others. Some days, you walk across the parking lot of a C i rcu it City in m id d le-class s u b u rbia a n d , as you stroll a l o n g the w h ite-striped asp ha lt on your way to browse the va rious electronic wa res that the City of Circu its has so kin d ly made a va i l a ble to you as a m e m be r of t h e genera l buying p u b l ic , you spy someth i n g truly wonderfu l ; trum pets sound and the l i g ht of J e hovah breaks t h ro u g h the clouds a n d s h i n es u pon you as you bend down a n d pick u p a crisp, b ra n d new five d o l la r bi l l . Even Li ncoln seems to be s m i l i n g at you as your s p i rits l ift a n d you fee l heady, exu bera ntly g leeful as you t h i n k of a l l the wonderfu l things you r brand new fiver w i l l g a i n for you - some candy, perha ps! Maybe a n ice cold Pepsi product from the l ittle coolers they have at eve ry co u nter in the store. The possibilities a re l i mitless, tha n ks to fate a n d you r good fortu n e . Other days, you get h it by a car. It was a warm and h u m id Monday eve n i n g . The world was g l iste n i n g with the light of the desce n d i n g s u n , d a m p from the ra i n that had j ust ended, as I p u l l ed into the C i rcu it City parking lot to ret u rn a d i g ital voice recorder. I exited my car, sla m m i n g the door s h ut with a soft 'th u d ' and as I h e a rd the s h ort b u rst of my horn which s i g n a led that my doors had been locked, I took a deep breath a n d re lished it. The smell of a fresh ra i n has a lways intoxicated me, especia l ly that of a s u m m e r ra i n . I pondered the fee l i n g as I strolled merrily a l ong the parking lot, s i l ently counting the n u m be r of "mod ified" cars that were on the row i n w h ich I had parked (a l ittle g a m e that my friends a n d I play a n ywhere we go. The record, if you are wonderi n g , is 34 ) Final ly, I paused as I reached the crossing a rea to the store. .

Re m e m bering the ru les my mother had insti lled i n me s i n ce birth, I checked for oncoming traffi c. I looked left - the coast was clear. Noth i n g more than a few shoppers who were cross ing the strip or h a n g i n g around i n front of the d e l ivery a rea, waiting for their new te levision sets a n d stereos. As I looked right, however, I noticed a "mod ified" Honda Del Sol about 50 feet away w h ich was barre l i n g toward my location at a p retty modest c l i p . It was painted mostly pu rple, with g reen a n d red fla mes across the hood and front fenders, a n d it had been lowered to the grou n d . I could hear the kazoo that was attached to its m uffle r ra ther clearly as it revved s h a rply over a n d over a g a i n , ca using the car to l u rch forward repeatedly. I enjoyed a 23

Mentally Incontinent

s l ight ch uckle at the owner of the v e h icle's expense, t h i n k i n g to myself how a bs u rd i t is that the people who s pe n d t h e t i m e a n d money it takes to d o that to a perfectly good car could a pply those resources elsewhere a n d , perhaps, benefit society i n some way. The internal d ia log u e t hat a lways acco m pa n ies cross i n g i n front of traffic at strip m a l l s began to play i n m y head. Surely, I thought, there is enough room between he and I that social doctrine would hold that I could start across the road and assume the right-of- way. Besides, he 'II stop. He has to.

I sta rted across t h e st ri p . My pace was h u rri ed, but not frantic, as I wanted to g ive the a ppeara n ce that I was doing my best to cross the a rea as q u ickly as possi ble (social doctrine a l so d i ctates that when cross i n g i n front of people at department stores that you at least g ive the a ppearance that you a re h u rry i n g ) . As I neared t h e i nv i s i ble l i n e that separates cars co ming from the left and cars co m i n g from the right, I noticed i n the back of my m i n d that the kazoo to my right had j u st roared rather loudly a n d was g rowing closer a n d closer by t h e second. I thought to myse lf. That bastard. .. well, we will see about that. Fig u ri n g he was j u st t ry i n g to be a l l fast a n d fu rious to i m press the g i rl h e had i n h i s passe nger seat, I crossed o n over into h i s l a n e a n d deliberately slowed my pace to that of a n o rm a l walk. He just sped up!

H e d rew neare r and nea rer, a n d it beca m e increasi ng l y more obvious by the m i l lisecond that I had chosen the wrong day to try to prove a point. It took very little i n the way of h ig h e r math to determ i n e that the d istance between where I was a n d a point of safe ha rbor was far g reater t h a n I could traverse i n the time it would take for Vin Diesel a n d h i s hot rod to a rrive at ' Point Joe'. Apparently, the d river of the Jerkmobile came to the s a m e conclusion I d i d , as I hea rd his brakes a l most im med iately lock u p as h e beg a n to skid on the wet asphalt. Well, shit. This is probably going to hurt.

I a m not q u ite s u re what I was t h i n king when I d i d it, as it was a split-second decision . . . Perhaps I was attem pting to leap toward safety, or maybe it j u st fe lt l i ke the o n l y option I had ava i l a ble - I truly don't know, but I ma naged to leave my feet j u st as the car made contact with my legs. Th is, as it t u rns out, was probably the a bsolutely best thing I could have done. The front b u m pe r of the car was rather low, and co m bi n ed with the slope of the hood of t h e car, it served to scoop m e u p off t h e g ro u n d a n d d e posit m e s q u a rely i n the m iddle of its hood. I fe lt the whole of my body slam aga inst the hood of the car, causing it to crush beneath my weight. The ca r co ntinued forward as I re m a i n e d somew hat stationa ry, c a u s i n g my back to slam into the w i ndshield, which shattered u po n i m pact. I remen1ber t h i n king for a 24

It Feels Just Like It Sounds

moment that the worst was over as I l a i d there, splayed across the front of t h i s m a n 's car. The vehicle eve n t u a l ly ca m e to a screec h i n g ha lt, forcing m e to roll forward off the hood a n d onto the hard , wet asp ha lt below. I l a n ded on my back, rolled a little a n d eventu a l ly settled face down u pon the parki n g lot. And then, it a l l faded away. "Oh my G O D ! " I h e a rd from . . . somewhere . . . I d id n 't really know w h e re . The voice was b e h i nd me, a bove me, below me . . . a l l the sounds seemed to come from the same place - everywh e re . "Hey. . . Are you okay, m a n ? O h , God . . ." It was a m a le voice. It sounded you n g , d istra u g ht. "Of COURSE he i s n 't oka y ! " A woman screamed. "You HIT HIM with your CAR! O h , wait, not you, operator. I was ta l ki n g to the yo u ng man who was d riving . . . O h , okay. . ." That voice was fe m a l e . It sounded older, a voice that would be d istingu ished a n d mature if it were n 't riddled with a ngst. Th ings were swim my, very very swim my. I tried to rise to my hands and knees, o n ly to find out that I was now lying o n my back - which made getting u p that way q u ite the ordeal. I felt a h a n d g ra b at my fl agellating a rms, try i n g to pick me u p off the g rou n d . " N O ! Don't move h i m ! The operator said to wait u nt i l the paramedics arrive ! " The older lady said. " O h , my God . . . I ca n 't . . . I d id n 't mean to h it h i m ! " I heard the you n g e r m a l e say, h is voice mov i n g farther away from m e . The h a n d let go of my wrist. "You sped u p to h it h i m ! What d i d you e xpect to h a p pe n ? ! ?" the older fe m a le screa med, but then q u i ckly toned h e r voice back as she said " O h , yes, operator, I'm h e re . H e seems to be moving a ro u n d ." " We l l , h e should n 't have tried to cross i n front of the car," a you nger, s p rite - l i ke fe male voice c h i med i n . " I know he saw us . . ." " Pedestrians have the rig h t of way," The older lady s a i d . I slowly fou n d t h e g round with the backsides of my ha nds - it was sti l l ben eath m e . Now, if o n ly I co uld m a ke it point down i nstead of u p . . . "Du de," I heard i n very close proxim ity. " I a m SO so rry, d u d e . . . I ca n 't . . . Oh God, please be okay. . ." I felt h is hot breath n e a r my face. It s m e l led of onions a n d kool -a i d . "Jesus, a re you breath i n g ? Is he breathing?" Yes, I'm breathing, you cretin . . . it would be easier if you weren't spoiling all the good oxygen.

"What? H e said somet h i n g . . . w h at d i d he say? O h . . . hold on, operator, I'm try i n g to fi nd out what he said . . ." I heard the older lady

25

Mentally Incontinent

ask. Apparently, my i n n e r d ia logue had decided to inv ite everyone e l se a ro u n d us to listen i n . "I'm - O O H . Oww," I said, g ra s p i n g at my scra pe d - u p shoulder, fi ngering t h e fresh h oles i n my s h i rt that had a ppeared t h a n ks to a fun skid across the pave ment. "I'm . . . I'm okay. Someone, please h e l p m e up ." " H O N EY," the older woman i n structed, V-E- R-Y slowly, "The A M B U LANCE is on it's WAY. J u st STAY STILL and D O N 'T MOVE, okay?" " B a h . . . I d o n 't need a n a m b u la n ce," I said, ro l l i n g over to meet the grou n d . I slowly rose to my h a n d s and knees, checking t h ro u g h a series of stretc hes a n d intern a l d iag nostics to m a ke s u re I wasn't seriously d a m aged . I opened my eyes a n d saw, i n a l l it's glory, the asp ha lt beneath m e . It was a welcome sig ht. Smel ly spake, " O h , THA N K G O D, he's okay ! Dude, you 're okay, right?" I braced myself on the front b u m pe r of the Del Sol a n d stood u p with caution, ta k i n g extra care to m a ke s u re I had my eq u i l ibrium before I let go of that stea m i n g pile of s h it. I looked it over - there was a m a g n ifice n t Joe-sized d ivot right i n the m i d d l e of the car a n d the windsh ield was frosted over, the way protective g lass i s when it is spid er-webbed from i m pact. I looked around - t h e re were several people sta n d i n g a ro u n d m e . One was a 40-someth i n g lady with dyed red h a i r clutching a Prada bag with her left a rm a n d a cell phone i n h e r rig h t h a n d . To her right was a n 1 8 or 19 year old wh ite thug-boy with short-cut bleached blonde h a i r, wearing a l l baby- b l u e sweats a n d oversized s n ea ke rs . He was shaking and crying a n d was being co nsoled by a l i ke-aged w h ite g i rl, covered i n a c n e w h ich was horribly covered u p by gobs of m a ke­ u p . She wore a ta n k top that e n d ed s l i g htly a bove h e r m id riff a n d shorts that rode WAY too h i g h - a n outfit s h e co u l d n 't possibly have co n s u lted a m i rror o n before she l eft h e house, as s h e had no busi ness s h o w i n g off the chewed wads of bubble g u m that passed as h e r thighs. Behind me was an older black g e ntlema n who, it seemed, was merely there to witness the event as it took place a n d a n a n d rogy nous being that s i m ply defied nature - I assumed it was m a le , because I have a h a rd time reconc i l i n g certain l u m ps on that person's a n atomy with the fe m a l e form . The H o n d a driver broke t h e s i lence. " Dude, I a m SOOOOO so rry. Please, it was a n accident . . . I d i d n 't m e a n to-" "You sped u p," I interjected, s l owly stretch i n g my neck to work out the ki n ks . "Yeah, you d i d speed u p ! I saw i t ! " said the cell phone lady. A look of horror spread across h i s face. "Like, I , u m m m . . . I 26

It Feels Just Like It Sounds

d i d n't t h i n k you'd keep going, you k n ow? I thought you'd, like, j u m p out of the way, you know?" I was bru s h i n g the de bris off my ripped s h i rt , cas u a lly fl i n g i n g whatever pebbles a n d d i rt that c l u n g to m e i n his d i recti o n . "You h it me with a CAR, m a n . A CAR! You c a n 't j ust hit people with cars ! " I bent my knees, then rotated my shoulder to e n s u re that it st ill worked. Slowly, I returned my attention to E m i n a i n 't. "Jeez . . . It fucking H U RT, man!" " D u d e , seriously, I d id n 't mean to ! " " H e d i d n 't," said the young g i rl . "Besides, you s h o u l d n 't have-" "Yeah, I should n't have w a l ked i n fro n t of the ca r," I said, mocking her pathetic, w h i n y vo ice. " I heard you the first time. Do me a favor and s h ut u p, w i l l you ? " I stared at h e r i n a m a n n e r that o n ly a man who has been h i t by a car a n d j u st d i d n't want to h e a r a n y more of her b u l ls h it co u ld have. S h e got the message a n d clam med u p . "You had plenty of room to stop," I conti n u e d . "Yeah but-" I

" No buts! A CAR! You h it me with a CAR ! " H e looked at the g ro u n d and the tea rs started u p a g a i n , some of which he m a n aged to c h o ke back before the dam s i m ply b u rst a n d h e turned into a blathering w reck. Every ounce of d isdain I had for t h is meathead oozed out of m e thro u g h my feet. I cou l d n 't h e l p but feel sorry for h i m . . . he was merely be i n g a stupid p u n k kid i n h is stu pid p u n k car. Thinking about it, had the g ro u n d not been wet, he probably would have stopped j ust short of n a i l i n g me. Then, he hit me with the coup d e g race. " O h , GOD, I'm g o i n g to go to j a i l ! MY DAD'S GOING TO KILL M E ! " H i s eyes were s q u i n ted a n d red and wet with tea rs of true panic . I co u l d i m a g i ne t h e i m ages that were flashing thro u g h hi s m i n d as h e c h o ked a n d cried, m e ntally preparing for the h a rd life that awaited h i m be h i n d bars. "Dude, you a re n 't going to go to . . . O h , for the love of GOD . . ." h e had wrapped h i s a rms a ro u n d my neck and b u ried h i s tear-streaked face i n my chest. Be h i n d us, I h e a rd t h e w a i l i n g of the a m bu la n ce and accom panying police cars as they raced down Mount Zion Road a n d into the parking lot w h e re we were a l l gathered a ro u n d the smashed a n d broken Del Sol. H is sobbing intensified as the s i rens d rew near. I grabbed h i s ha nds from behind my neck a n d p u s h ed h i m off of m e . " Look, m a n . . . Calm . . . CALM DOWN, okay? We w i l l deal with this, a l right? J u st tell the police what h a ppe n ed ." "BUT I'll be a rrested ! I d o n 't wa n n a go to-"

27

Mentally Incontinent

"YOU WON'T go to J a i l . It was a n accident, okay? " H i s not-so-little g i rlfri e n d spoke u p . "It WAS a n accid ent-" " H EY. YO U . Your voice is g rat i n g . S H UT U P." She d i d . Two police officers exited their cruisers a n d a pproached us, accompan ied by several para m ed ics . "Where is the victi m ? " They asked. The cell phone lady pointed at me, a n d I sile ntly ra ised my hand. The para m ed ics im med iately went to work on me, asking how I felt a n d checking a l l of the vita l areas. The police m e n began q u esti oni n g the d river of the car a n d h is g i rlfrie n d , a long with the cell phone lady a n d the oth e r two people who had been h a n g i n g a ro u nd to witness the d ra m a . I d o n 't rea l l y know what was said d u ri n g those interviews, aside from the little c h u bby g i rl saying once "It was a n ACCIDENT" before the police man i nstructed her to re m a i n s i lent u ntil s h e was q u estioned . One of the cops came over to the a m b u l a nce were I was sitti ng, getting my cuts a n d bru ises tended to by an extraord i n a ri ly h a i ry m a n . " S i r, may I ask you a few q u estio ns?" Natu ra l ly, I a n swered in the affi rmative. We went over the deta ils of what ha ppe n ed as best as I could re m e m be r. F i n a l ly, h e closed his l ittle notebook and bro u g ht the whole thing down to the bottom l i n e . "Alright, M r. Peacock, basica l ly it comes down to whether or not you want to press charges." "Charges? For w h at?" " We l l , we can ru n the g a m ut, ra n g i n g from assa u lt a n d battery to assa u lt with a deadly weapon, or even attempted m u rder if you'd like." " M U RDE R?" I yel ped . " Rea l ly?" "Yes, s i r." Wow. M u rder. . . j u st l i ke that, I co uld have a n attem pted m u rd e rer! I co u ld be a vict i m ! How cool would THAT be? At any cockta i l pa rty, I co uld i n stantly destroy a ny piddly little contest of coolness : Party Goer 1 : Yes, well, w h i le I was in Barbados, we s n o rkled a n d fed M a nta Rays! Party Goer 2 : My J a g u a r has 3 5 0 horsepower u n d e r the hood ( s u btext: h e a l so has a s m a l l penis) 28

It Feels Just Like It Sounds

M e : I have a n attempted m u rderer. Someone tried to MURDER m e . *Sile nce, followed by my Cockta i l - Party-Cool ness­ Contest Victory Dance* I thought a bout the g lory for a moment, and then I looked over at my attacke r - a tee nage kid who made a horrible decision - a n d decided that it would be ridiculous for somet h i n g l i ke this to h a u n t h i m for the rest of h i s I ife. " No, n o c h a rges," I said . " I t h i n k t h e d a m age to h i s ca r a n d having to explain it to h i s parents is probably going to be p u n ishm ent enoug h ." "You a re certa i n a bout that, M r. Peacock?" "Yea h . He's j u st a kid, m a n . . . God knows I've done stuff as d u m b - o r d u m be r - than this." And with that, h e gave m e a g e ntle nod and went over to g ive the 'good ' news to the moron who, u pon hearing it, ran over to m e a n d gave m e a h u ge h u g . "Oh GOD, t h a n kyouthan kyoutha n kyouth a n kyou ! " he screamed in a n EXTREMELY h i g h pitched voice. I d id n 't q u ite know how to react, so I s i m ply patted h i m on his back and said, "You 're welcome." The tea rs were fl owing a g a i n , a n d one thing became very, very clea r - my s h i rt was completely ruined . Cell phone lady beg a n to throw a h issy fit to the cop who was sta n d i n g over near the car. I h e a rd several times how t h e kid sped u p to h it me, and how h e was d riving too fast i n rainy co nd itio ns, a n d so on a n d so fort h . The far-too patient and kind policeman kept re m i n d i n g h e r that, w h i l e her a rg u m e nts were va l i d , I declined to press charges a n d this was a parking lot, w h ich was private property - which means that n o traffic citations co u l d be issu e d . She beca m e so a n g ry with the fact that s h e had s pent t h e better part of a n hour and a half on the phone with 9 1 1 for no reason at a l l that s h e g ritted her teeth and s l a m m e d her phone down on the s i dewalk beneath h e r, then stormed off to h e r car. It would a ppear that, some how, the o n ly person who e n d ed u p having a good day out of a l l of th is was the attem pted m u rderer. Eve ntual ly, we were a l l sent on o u r m e rry ways, free to fi n i s h the tasks we had a l l set out to ach ieve that day. I entered t h e Circuit City a n d a p proached the return co unter. " Hey, a re you the g uy who got h i t by the car?" The clerk asked . "Ya h ."

29

Mentally Incontinent

"Wow ... how d i d that fee l?" "It felt l i ke I'd been h it by a ca r." H e p u zzled over that for a seco n d , then wisely decided to move on to the bus iness that brought m e there i n the first place. "O kay, so, u h . . . what ca n I h e l p you with?" As soon as he asked, it dawned on m e - I'd forgotten to bring the voice recorder to be returned . Not j ust left it i n the car, but flat out forgot to bring it at a l l . I watched as the clerk reacted to the d u mfou nded look that wound its way a ro u n d my face, prod ucing a d u mfou nded look of h i s own. Without saying another word, I s i m ply turned around a n d walked out the door. As I wa l ked to my car, I sca n ned the parking lot fu rio u s ly loo king for that godda m n five bucks that fate owed me for my tro u bles.

30

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WIN N E R

# of Votes

I've Never Rea lly Been A Fan Of 55°/o ( 18) Fish Other Stories

# of Votes

H i , My Name Is Joe, And I Am An Addict.

32% ( 1 7 )

Nice i s a Four-Letter Word

26% (14)

Consider the Source

6%

(3)

An Ettiquette Lesson

2%

(1)

My comments: Th is story ended u p bei n g the fi rst ever tie i n the voting for a cha pter o n Mentallyi nconti nent.co m . We had to go to a sudden death overtime s u pe r special tiebrea ker match between this story a n d " H i , My Name Is Joe And I'm An Add ict", w h ic h focused on my add iction to the s h ow "24" on Fox. I probably should have written a hy brid of the two stories, where Jack Bauer comes a n d rescues m e from t h e situation a n d k i l ls Tu n a . Also, I still have the Taz m a n i a n Devil j a m z .

Reader comments: "I would've vomited back."

-leffMinter "Ah h h , J a m z . J a m z were t h e a bsolute coolest of the coolest. As ide from being fashionable, the material j ust felt good . My favorite pa i r were t h is bright n u clear o ra n g e with a crazy pattern at the cuffs . Those were t h e days."

-Grover

Mentally Incontinent

I've N eve r Rea l l y Been A Fa n Of Fish

W h e n you are e leven years old, there is NOTH I N G better t h a n a trip to the a m usement pa rk. We were stu d y i n g marine life i n school, a n d the teacher thought it wou ld be a wonderfu I idea for the class to trek down to Six Flags Over Georgia for the to uring "Diving Dol p h i ns" show that had set u p ca m p there. The class was a buzz with the a ntici pation of going to Six Flags. Th is place was Mecca to u s . Each a n d every day that week, the teacher had to s l a m h e r book on the g round or whack the desk with a ruler to ca l m the d i n that o u r classroom had beco m e . Each n ig ht w h e n I got home, a l l I could talk a bout was going to Six Flags. My father wo u ld n 't practice a rchery with m e for fea r that he might lose control at the mere m e ntion of Six Flags a n d fl i n g a n a l u m i n u m shaft th rough my buttocks. My mother eventu a l ly threatened to m a ke ca n n e d preserves out of me if I mentioned Six Flags one more t i m e . I was EXCITED. Final ly, Friday came. W h e n I awakened, I decided that that day would be the best day of my entire life (just l i ke every ot her day that I d i d somet h i n g othe r tha n atte n d schoo l ) . To ce lebrate the m u c h ­ hera lded a rrival of t h i s day, I had decided to wear my favorite blue a n d g reen 'Jamz', my favorite Garfield t-s h i rt, along with my s u per­ cool m i rrored Ray-ba n s u n g lasses a n d my C i n c in nati Benga Is ca p. I listened to my favorite songs on the tape player w h i l e I got ready that morn i n g . I even wore my favorite - w e l l , a ct ually, my o n ly - pair of te n n i s s h oes. Not h i n g wou ld ru i n this day! The bus ride to the park was agon izi n g . It took a wh ole 40 m i n utes to get there from the school; a virtual lifetime to a n excited eleven yea r o l d . Bored from counting cars o r looking out for the scarce Atlanta l a n d m a rks, I rested my head a g ai nst the g reen pleather seat i n front of m e . I fi ngered the vi nyl patches sloppily g l ued across the back of the seat - poor attempts to h i d e where chi l d re n had stabbed it repeatedly with s h a rpened pencils a n d the need les of com passes - i n a vain atte m pt to take my m i n d off the fact that if the bus d river had j u st floored it a n d went 95 m i les a n hour l i ke I told h i m to w h e n we got on the b u s we would be there by now. Even then, people fa iled to recog n i ze the bri l l i a n ce of my advice. We fi n a lly got to Six Flags. To describe the m a n n e r with wh ich a l l 9 0 chi l d re n p i led out of the bus can o n l y be l i kened to watch ing 32

Fve Never Really Been A Fan Of Fish

l e m m i n g s p i l e after one a noth er off a cl iffside. After u s i n g cattle prods a n d tra n q u i l izer d a rts, the teachers m a naged to form us into the a l p h a betica l l i n es we used every day to march to the bathroom or to l u n ch . I was a lways the l i n e leader - not because my last n a m e began with a n 'A' ( it was Adams before I was adopte d ) , but because it was a s u re bet that none of the ot her kids would lose track of m e - especia lly in my blue a n d g reen 'Jam z'. We were going to be there u ntil 2 : 30 PM that d a y, a n d i m ages of speed i n g roller coasters a n d assisted free-fa l ls from lofty perches da nced i n o u r m i nd s . But first, we had to go see the god d a m ned d o l p h i n s . M a n , no o n e wanted to see those overrated fis h ! What? O h , well, okay, we d i d n 't want to see those overrated m a m m a ls, either! We d i d n 't care how m a ny hoops they could d ive t h rough or balls they cou ld balance, no sea life co uld co m pa re with the M i n d Bender. N ickelodeon showed F l i p pe r re-runs, a n d we were fi n e with that. We made this known by g ri p i n g a n d com p la i n i n g as often as poss i b le. We a l l made o u r way from the rear gate of the park i m m ed iately to the show a re a , g ru m bl i n g and moaning the entire time. W h e n we got there, t h i n g s settled down a bit. We cou ld see two d o l p h i n s circl i n g a n d playing i n the pool at the base of the m a kesh ift a m p h itheater, a n d actually seeing the a n i m a ls helped this event build a l ittle more cre d i b i l ity. Everyone was seated a n d natura l ly rather noisy. The principal stood u p and gave a little pep ta l k co mplete with hand gestures that evoked within us the Pavlov i a n responses s h e had worked so hard to i n still into her student body. " Everyone, look at me . . . look right here ... Okay, now, let's (slowly lowers both h a nds, a s if s h utting a w i n dow) ' q u i et down'. Okay, good." S h e paced the walkway a l ittle, then bega n to speak a g a i n . "Now, this is going to be such a n EXCITIN G s h ow ! Let's show the people of S ix Flags exactly what k i n d of S u pe r Students that the pupils of K i lpatrick Elementary are a n d ( placing o n e fi nger to each eye, moving h a n d i n a n d out) FOCUS o n what is a bout to take place !" she took her seat, a n d the entire g ro u p was silent a n d attentive - a not­ so-m inor tas k to ach ieve w ith a g ro u p of 6th g raders . Th is wom a n was a Sve n ga l i . Sudden ly, some sort of h i g h e nergy House m usic played across a n antiq uated a n d close to blown PA system cra n ked to 1 1 . Two extre m e ly excited a n d definitely over-caffe i nated people bounded out of the stage house a n d i nto view. They were hopping a n d cla p p i n g , shouting "Ye a h ! Let's g o ! Yea h ! ALRIG HT!'' a n d p u m p i n g their fists i n the a i r, cheering for the fish as if they were a bout to play the Steelers for the AFC C h a m pionsh i p .

33

Mentally Incontinent

They introduced themselves over the PA system : " H I ! I'm K E LLI ! " ( s h e d i d n 't have to tell us s h e s pe l l ed it with a n "I". It was VERY a ppare n t . ) "AN D I'm Peter!" Said Peter, who s p a rkled i n h is seq u i ned wets u it. In u n ison , the shouted "And we a re Squad! Get ready for some fu n ! "

The Super Dolphin

At least, that's what I assumed they said. They could have been welcoming m e to Wh ite Castle, a s k i n g if I wanted fries with my m e a l . It was extre mely d ifficult to tel l . The PA sounded l i ke it was stolen out of a c h u rch reception h a l l in 1974. Ke l l i yelled, "I'd l i ke to introduce you g uys to our d o l p h i n friends, Coco a n d ( I ' m not m a k i n g this u p ) Tu n a ! " They named t h e i r d o l p h i n "Tu n a ". That's j u st messed u p . The next 2 0 m i n utes were fu l l of dolphins j u m pi n g , d o l p h i n s da ncing on t h e i r ta i ls, dolphins balancing t h i n g s o n their nose . . . Dolph i n s doing what d o l p h i n s d o every t i m e you see d o l p h i n s . We were clapping and s u c h , but it wasn 't a l l that i ntri g u i n g - especia lly s i n ce we could hear people o n the Splashwater Fa lls right b e hi nd us, zipping down a 3 0 0ft ra m p into a pool of water. Disg usti ng water, yes, but for most of us it would have served as o u r weekly bath. No matter what was in that water, it was certa i n that getting covered with it was far more fun t h a n watch i n g this d o l p h i n show. The tra iner folks made their way out of the pool a n d g ra bbed the m i cro phone for the PA once a g a i n . "Okay, now w e need some volu nteers. W h o would l i ke to come down h e re a n d h e l p Coco a n d Tu na do their tricks for us?" Natu ra l ly, every s i n g le k i d shot both of their h a n d s h i g h i nto the sky, begg i ng for the cha nce to be the center of attention for a few m i n utes. This event was certa i n to buy at least two days worth of status u p g rades a ro u n d the schoo l . The tra iners sca n n ed the pack of overeag e r ch i l d re n . The woman exte nded her h a n d a n d pointed with her fi nger. EXTRE M E LY dramatically, she waved h e r h a n d back a n d forth w h i l e asking "Who a m I going to pick . . . H m m m . . . . " u ntil the exte nded d ig it fi n a l l y rested on Tom i ka Owens. In a flash , To mika was at the front of the stage, welcoming h e r o p portu n ity to m a ke Coco do a fl i p . The g uy, Peter, was doing the exact s a m e th i n g with h is h a n d , waving it a ro u n d with w id e eyes a n d h i s m o u th g a p i n g open i n a n excited toothy g ri n . "Who a m I going to pick . . . H m m m . . . How a bout . . . YO U ! "

34

Fve Never Really Been A Fan Of Fish

Everyone i n the aud ience fo l lowed the d irection of the fi nger, turn i n g their heads to face . . . ME??? I cou l d n 't believe it. He picked M E ! h a d n 't been p i cked for ANYTH ING i n my entire l ife! Every magician, sports s e m i - h e ro and clown that had ever co m e to o u r school a l ways passed me over w h e n it was time for volu nteers. Even that horrid wom a n on Romper Room left m e out w h e n s h e saw who s h e saw t h ro u g h the TV screen (I mean, C O M E O N . . . My n a m e i s J O E . How h a rd was that to say? It's the second most common n a m e o n the pla net. I n her so-ca lled ' M a g i c M i rro r', s h e w o u ld see Robert, she would see Ke l l y, she would even see Balthaza r - but never Joe. Stupid bitch . . . YEAH I'M TALK ING TO YOU, Molly McCloskey. . . ) . I was SO excited that I had fi n a l l y been p i c ked for somet h i n g , I th i n k a l ittle pee came out. I

was physica l ly incapable of bou n d i n g , so I l u m bered q u ickly u p to the stage, g r i n n i n g from ear to ear. I could hear the whispe rs of jea lousy behind me, each a n d eve ry kid despising me for being picked to joi n the s u per-elite S u pe r Dolphin Sq uad. The ta s k set before Tom i ka a n d m e was to stand at the edge of the pool ( w h ich was a l most as ta l l as we were), reach into a s m a l l b u cket resti n g at o u r feet, g ra b some of the goo that resided i n sa id bucket, a n d hold it u p so that Coco and Tu na co uld rise out of the water a n d n i b b l e on the y u mmy fishy good ness we held before t h e m . I

Tom i ka went first. S h e reached i nto the bucket, cringed as her hand descended into the g lop, g ra bbed out a delicious raw fish fillet, a n d suspended it over the edge of the ta n k. Coco was called by Peter a n d , very calm ly, rose out of the water a n d took from the timid little g i rl the c h u n k of c h u m s h e offe red. Everyone cla pped at To m i ka's bravery. S h e was defin itely a m e m be r of the Super Dolphin Squad now. S h e cleaned off her h a n d a n d returned to her seat to be g reeted by a l l of her g i g g l i n g and very ecstatic fri e nd s. Th e n , it was my t u rn . I smug l y sau ntered over to the bucket, s m i rking at the u n l ucky ones whose fortune was not g reat e nough to b e a D o l p h i n S q u a d d ie . I looked i nto t he b u c ket at t he red goopy mess, a n d was insta ntly creeped the h e l l out. We ll, come O N ! It was g ross ! I d id n 't want to reach i nto a bucket fu l l of fish parts ! It was FISH PARTS i n a bucket a n d I was eleve n ! I looked back u p a n d caught the eyes of my adoring crowd. I m m e d i ately, I knew that I had to go t h rough with this. My fans EXPECTED it of m e . I reached i n to the s l i m y entrails-fi l led bucket a n d secured a h u n k of. . . someth i n g . I bro u g h t it u p a nd over the ta n k, hoping that Tu na would get t h is gelatinous mess out of my h a n d as hastily as poss i b l e . Ke l l i called for the fishy m a m m a l , and it made its way toward me. All too q u ickly, it reached the spot d i rectly adjacent to me, a n d 35

Mentally Incontinent

rose out of the water. It d id not take the raw fi s h from my h a n d . Instead, It vomited the e ntire day's contents of ch u m d i rectly on m e . Yep, that's rig ht. A d o l p h i n p u ked on m e . It took what felt was a lifetime for the moment to s i n k i n with everyone, d u ring w h ich there was co m p l ete a n d utter s i lence. Every jaw was d ro p ped wide open, every eye b u l g i n g o u t of their sockets. Th e n , as if someone t u rned o n a l i g ht, the entire place was fi l led with a cacophony of c h i l d re n 's laughte r. As I stood there, covered i n dead fis h a n d dolph i n bile, the rest of my classmates enjoyed w h at had to be the most a m azing occurrence of their entire lives. Certain ly, any rational person w o u ld be a bsolutely d isgusted by the fact that they were d ri pping with fish and stomach acid, but I was too busy fu m i n g a bout the fact that my favorite 'Jamz' were now ru ined. The Super Dolphin S q u a d fe m a le made her way to m e a n d ushered m e off to a l ittle m a kesh ift shower they had rigged u p with a sprayer spout a n d a g a rd e n hose, w h ile the m a l e S u pe r Dol p h i n S q u a d m e m b e r hastily closed t h e show. The teachers were ha lf-hearted l y try i n g to ca l m the students down, but were h in d ered i n that process by the fact that they co u l d n 't stop l a u g h i n g . Apparently the s i g h t of a d o l p h i n throw ing u p on someone is j u st too g reat of a n event to expect people not to react. The day wasn't a complete loss, however. The principa l , a normally stern wom a n who held everyt h i n g together, showed a great d e a l of h u m a n compassion w h e n she ca me over to m e at the m a kesh ift shower a n d , fig hting thro u g h her ch uckles, offe red to buy me some clothes so that I could enjoy the rest of the day. Almost s i m u lta neously, the m a nager of Six Flags (who had been present the entire time) offered me a pass that would a l low m e to go to the front of the l i n e at any ride i n the park to m a ke u p for this wretched experience. The pass a l lowed me to recla i m a l l of the cool points I had lost that day by becom i n g a wa l k i n g vomitori u m , a n d a d d itional cool points were won with my bitch i n ' new Bugs B u n ny sh irt and Tas m a n i a n Dev i l 'Jamz'.

36

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WINNER

The Cows

. . .

They Ta lk! Other Stories

# of Votes 73°/o ( 143) # of Votes

The Day The Earth Kept Rotating

9%

( 17 )

Of Duct Work And Duct Tape

9%

( 17 )

I m Just, Like, Doing My Part

7% 3%

( 14)

Right On Ta rget

(5 )

My comments: I w rote th is story on a Tuesday a n d posted it on Wed n esd ay, a n d by Friday, the m e m bership of MI j u m ped from 1 0 0 or so to over 5 0 0 . I n two days. You can tell by the voting n u m bers that this was t h e "ti pping point" from obsc u rity to . . . Well . . . S l i g htly less obscu rity. This o n e pretty m uch v i i i ified me to every lefty a nti -fu r pro-vegg ie out there, and I'm not even s u re why! ! ! It's not l i ke I'm bash i n g a n yone i n this sto ry, I'm j u st te l l i n g it how it h a ppened. It's not MY fa u lt these fruit-loops thought it was a g rand idea to do what they d i d the way they d i d it. Perhaps those who d o n 't wish to have their views criticized s h o u l d n 't shove them i n people's faces , especially w h i l e wearing . . . We l l , you'll see. One thing I w i l l say is t h i s : if you a re a m e m be r of PeTA, j ust . . . Real ly, save us a l l the t rouble of k n o w i n g you a n d k i l l you rself. P retty please. With honey on top.

Reader comments: " I can j u st i m a g i n e you looking teary-eyed a t yo u r poor d i n n e r laying o n the g ro u n d ruined by a cow that ca n 't recog n ize its own k i n d . 'It's, u m . . . It's Iam b.' Absolutely priceless."

-Kewlex "If I weren't vegan, I'd buy you a rack of l a m b to m a ke u p for this."

-closet_stropher

Mentally Incontinent

The Cows

. . .

They Ta l k !

Genera l ly, my d i n i ng-out experiences a re q u ite m u n d a n e and ord i n a ry. My friends a n d I hop i n a car, d rive to the eate ry of choice, d i ne and then leave. G iven the fact that I had to sta rt this story with that partic u l a r sente n ce , o n e could p retty much surmise that this partic u l a r experience was not o rd i n a ry. S h o u l d one decide to s u rm ise this, one would surmise correctly (Sorry, I just lea rned that word today a n d had to use it three times before I forgot it) . went to O u tback Steak House t h i s week with my w i fe a n d friends. Now, eating out i n genera l isn't rea l ly a l l that im porta nt a n event i n my weekly routine. However, I get rea l ly excited over Outback. It is my absolute favorite cha i n - based resta u ra nt , ba r none. Where else ca n you get a g iga ntic h u n k of meat, french fries topped with bacon a n d cheese and covered i n ranch d ress i n g , a n d a h u g e glass of su per-sweetened iced tea? What other resta u rant i n t h i s co u ntry has a salad co n ta i n i n g more fat t h a n a Big Mac with cheese? It's exciting stuff! I

We a rrived at the resta u rant i n a rather typical fas h i o n . The typ i ca l pleasa ntries were excha nged with the hostess (who looked q u ite typica l ) . We received the little v i b ratey-tlas hy-th i n g from her a n d proceeded to wa it the typical 1 2 to 1 5 m i n utes for o u r ta ble to be prepared. We sat i n the wait i n g a rea i n a typical fas h i o n . So fa r, everyt h i n g was ve ry, very typica l . Genera l conversation ensued a n d thi ng s were just p l a i n fi n e for the next 1 2 to 1 5 m i nutes. O u r little vibratey-tl ashy-th i n g started fl a s h i n g a n d v i brating, so we gave it to the hostess i n exch a n g e for a short blonde woman who leads us to o u r table - a nice big 1 2 -top near the front entrance. We a l l sit; we a l l give o u r d r i n k order. More genera l conversation takes place. O u r waitress ca me back with o u r d ri n ks a n d we s i p ped o n them w h i l e g iv i n g o u r food order. Everyo n e orders their choice of hearty cuts of meat. My turn came a n d I ordered my a bsolute favorite d i s h at Outback - the rack of l a m b, cooked med i u m , with extra cabernet sauce and m i n t je lly. Drool was oozi n g from my l i ps as I ordered it. I co uld j u st imagine the savory a roma a n d te nder j u iciness. About 1 5 agonizing m i n utes go by, d u ri n g the cou rse of wh ich o u r d ri n ks were refi lled a n d even more genera l conversation took place. So fa r, this is so bori n g it's m i n d - n u m b i n g . I seriously com m e n d you for cont i n u i n g to read this far. Final ly, our food ca m e out. Each item was cooked to perfection, 38

The Cows

.

.

.

They Talk!

a n d everyone rema rked how wonderfu l everyt h i n g was. I focu sed o n the la m b, which was prepared to my exact specifications. My stomach growled as I took a moment to savor the a roma ema nating from this gorgeous s l a b of good ness. Not wanting to rush, I d rizzled ca bernet sauce over the top of the rack very d e l i berately a n d even ly, then proceeded to place a ca refu lly measured dollop of m i nt j e l ly on top of each s h a n k . I s a n k my kn ife slowly between two sections of the rack, sepa rating a delicate , tender morsel from the bone. I place the bite i n to my mouth a n d savor the flavor - a mazingly j u icy, del icately te nder a n d o h -so del icious. The blend of the cabernet sa uce a n d the mint j e l ly with the tender j u ices of the l a m b m a d e for a spectacular fl avor explosion. It was truly a pa rty i n my mouth . It was a lso the last bite of that meal I would take that eve n i n g . J u st as I beg a n to rave to my friends how a bsol utely heave n ly my meal was, the front door of the resta u ra nt swu n g open a n d in trotted four cows, a l l w a l k i n g o n their h i n d legs, covered i n blood . I cou l d n 't te l l you if it was the chea p felt adorning the cows or the plastic covering their hooves, but I could im med iately tell that these weren't REAL cows. O h , no . . . These were people d ressed as cows; each one splattered with a crimson paint which I assume was to represent bloo d . They a l l carried signs read i n g " M eat is M u rder" a n d were chanting that exact p h rase a s they m a rched si ngl e fi l e into the resta u rant. Tru l y, we were shocked, as it is not every day that one is pa rty to a g ro u p of c h a nting cows p i cketing the Outback. The entire resta u rant, com p letely silenced, foc used i n on these four ve ry, very, VERY sad i n dividuals. They a l l ceased their chanting a n d looked a ro u n d a bit, their g i g a ntic cow-heads t u r n i n g a l m ost independant of the heads u po n w h ich they rested . Once they were confi d e n t that they had the fu l l attention of the crowd, one of the cows (the leader, I pre s u m e ) spoke : "Greetings, carnivores! You people sho ul d be a shamed of yourselves ! Yo u r d i nner was once a l iv i n g , breathing orga n is m ! How ca n you d i n e on the flesh of your fellow m a m m a l this way? ! ? " I'm not q u ite s u re w h at they expected to come from that q u estion, but n o one a nswered. This a n g e red the a l ready peeved cow further. "This is utterly despica b l e ! It is g ross that you would eat a n i m a ls this way! We should live i n ha rmony with the other life forms on this planet! Meat is m u rde r ! " Again the cows began chanting this p h rase i n a d u l l ed sh out, the i r voices muffled by the t h i n veil of fa bric located i n the neck of the cow costu me w h i c h covered their faces. The e ntire resta u ra nt, having 39

Mentally Incontinent

overcome the i n itial shock of the talking cows, collectively m u rm u red a n d gen e ra l ly scoffed at the state ments that poor m is g u ided g i rl made (well, it sou nded l i ke a g i r l . .. It had a n udder. Who knows . . . The fact that this was even ha ppe n i n g was eno ugh to baffle m e , I rea lly did n't need a n other con u nd ru m plopped i nto my l a p ) . All of my friends were look i n g at me, expecting m e to m a ke something h a p pe n . I answered t h e i r s i le n t q u estion ing with a deafe n i n g "WHAT ! ? ! " followed by a softer, yet stern "Why are you a l l loo king at me? W h at a m I s u pposed to do?" M i ke a nswered, "I don't know . . . It's ta l k i n g cows! I j ust expected you to d o someth i n g ." " We l l , I d o n 't know w h at to do. I m ea n , l i ke you said - It's talking cows, ma n ! What exactly do you say to talking cows?" I took a s i p of water, then conti n u e d , "Clea rly, this situation is u nsta ble enough as it is without m e i njecti ng myself d i rectly into it." Appare ntly, fate d isagre e d . My loud excla mation of a q u e ry was sufficient to d raw the attention of the bov ine consp irators toward my ta ble. I looked over at my right shoulder to fi n d a felt-covered teat resting on my collarbo n e . The lead cow spoke : "Sir! S u re l y you m u st have somet h i n g to say ! How d o you defend your actions?" How does one a nswer this q uestion??? " I d o n 't rea l ly know that I ca n defend my actions, cow. I was n 't aware that I was g o i n g to be called u po n to do so t h i s eve n i n g . Perhaps if you let me know i n a d va nce the next time that you and yo u r friends plan to d ress as cows a n d i nvade a resta u ra n t I w i l l be d i n i n g at, I can be better prepared." She looked u p a nd back at her cow friends, swinging the g i g a ntic foam cow-head back a n d fort h . "Ah h , a sma rt-a lec! Guys, we have a co median here! We l l , m ister fu n n y a n i m a l m u rd e re r, we have no need for you r sarcasm ! " Having never experienced a n yth i n g q u ite this s u rreal before, I j u st plain d i d n 't know how to react to this situation. G iven that these were fo u r people d ressed as h u mongous cows yelling as they m a rched thro u g h a resta u ra nt, I knew that tact was right out, so I j u st said what I was t h i n k i n g . " We l l , m aybe not, but you have a eva I uation .If

severe

need for psychiatric

Perhaps t h is was the wro n g a n swer. She lau nched into a tira d e : " N O ! It i s YOU who needs yo u r head exa m i n ed ! Did you know that the steak you a re eating is actua lly

40

Good lord, I hate PeTA. Seriously, I do.

poisonous to yo u r system? H m m ? " "It's, u m . . . It's lam b." She reached her hoof out and seized the rack of l a m b from my plate. "IT DO E SN'T MATTE R ! Beef, La mb, whatever! Red meat does not get d igested by the body the way vegetable matter does! It sits i n you r stomach for days, s po i l i n g from the heat of your body before it is broken down ! " Before m e stood a very volitile cow with a h u n k of la m b i n its vinyl-g loved hoof, cabernet sa uce a n d m i nt jelly d ribbling down it's arm - e r. . . leg, holding my d i n ner u p as a n example for the rest of the resta u rant to see. Add ress i n g the rest of the room she s h outed, "Do you see this?? This is PO ISON to yo u r system ! It is not good for you ! So why eat it??? Why s l a u g hter t h is poor a n i m a l so that you can be poisoned by it's fles h?" M i ke spoke u p : "Well . . . Because it's DAMN tasty." The cow-woman w h i pped h e r head rou n d , s p i n n i n g the foam cow-head j u st a little too far to the left. She b u ngled a ro u n d a bit as s h e adj u sted h e r head back to forwa rd , smearing l a m b a n d sauce a l l over it i n the process. "Tasty? ! ? It tastes good, that's why you eat it? What if I told you that u ri n e tastes good? Would you d ri n k that?" "Wow, you know how urine tastes?" M i ke asked . A bit taken, the cow responed, " N o ! God, of course not! I was j u st say i n g - " "Then why would you say u ri n e tastes good?" M i ke conti n u e d . "Are you some kind of a freaky g i rl? Do You d r i n k pee-pee??" " No, you jerk ! " she lashed out. " I was j ust prov i n g a point-" "AAAAH , whatever," M i ke i nterjected . "Just s h u t u p ! No one's going to listen to you ! You d r i n k pee, you d u m b cow ! " M i ke has such a way with words. The cow became frustrate d . " No, YOU s h u t up, you i n fa ntile-" I had to break i n . "Infa ntile? You a re ca l l i n g H I M i nfa ntile? You a re dressed as a cow, ru n n ing a ro u n d a steakhouse carry i n g a h u n k of l a m b i n your hoof, wo ma n ! I d o n 't really t h i n k that you have a rig ht to accuse h i m of acting l i ke a c h i l d . I h o n estly th i n k you g uys need a psychiatric consultation . I know a GREAT doctor, h e 's worked wonders for me . . ." " S h u t u p ! " s h e said i n a way that i m plied that she rea l l y thought I would. Of course, I d i d n 't.

41

Mentally Incontinent

"Serious ly, you a re crazy. You need help." "You have no rig ht to spea k to m e that way, you bastard ! You d o n 't eve n K N O W m e ! " M i ke took the h a n d -off. "You a re hold i n g h is d i n ne r u p i n the a i r. I t h i n k he has a rig ht to ta l k to you j u st a bout a n y way h e wants, you fu cking cow." The cow sw u n g h e r head back toward M i ke, ca using it to spin too far once a g a i n . As she corrected its position, she com m a nd e d , " Don't ca l l m e a cow, you J E R K ! " "You have s pots a n d a n udder. W h at else wou ld h e call you??" I asked. Before she co u l d reply, M i ke decided to try a d ifferent tact. In a n atte m pt to reason with the incensed bov i n e , he offe red, "Look, you guys a re clearly not w i n n i n g a n y s u pport here. Why don't you j u st gather what l ittle d i g n ity you may have left a n d take off?" She stuttered a n d sta m m e red a bit, not s u re what to say next. The other t h ree cows j ust stood there i n s i le n ce, hold i n g their "Meat Is M u rder" s i g n s s l ig htly i n front of them . Looks were exch a nged throug hout the herd , each one waiting for something to h a p pe n . The rest of the restaurant had slowly but s u rely ret urned to t h e i r d i n i n g , occasionally checking out the events a s they u nfo lded a t o u r table. Final ly, the lead cow ret u rned to form i n g complete words and st ri n g i n g them toget h e r into t h o u g hts . " N O ! We are not leav i n g ! We aren't the bad g u ys here YOU a re , you . . . you CAN NIBAL!" "Ca n n ibal?" M i ke a s ked. She ign ored h im , conti n u i n g . "You are the ones perpetuating the s la ug hter of i n nocent a n im a ls, and for w h at? HMM?" "Wait a moment - C ANNIBAL??" M i ke asked a g a i n . knew that h is l i n e of i n q u iry wouldn't rea lly g o anywhere, so decided to go for the k i l l . "M ike told you earlier. They taste good." I

I

Th is rea l l y l it her fuse. "G RRRRRRRR! O H MY G O D ! You a re so . . . so IGNORANT! Why d o n 't you see the e rror of your ways??" "Cow," I answered, "The only error that I have m a d e to n ight has been refra i n i n g from lig hting you on fi re and p u s h i n g you out the door. Why don't you put down the l a m b a n d j u st g o home?" The cow began j u m pi n g u p a n d down mad ly, flopping her oversized cow-head to a n d fro as s h e scre a m ed at the top of h e r lu ng s . The once s u cculent but now i n cred i bly messy j u ices from the la m b meat i n her right hoof were fl y i n g a l l over the place, s platte ri n g on the table a n d o u r cloth i n g . The entire time, she was y e l l i n g the most i nsane cadence of a nti-meat statements, each i n time with h e r 42

I've Never Really Been A Fan Of The Cows That Talk

j u m pi n g . I was afra i d that o u r friend the cow was going to s h a ke her head com pletely off. Before I cou ld stop her, however, the manager FINALLY made his way over to the table to help d iffu se the situation. "Excuse - EXCU S E M E," h e sa id sternly to the excited bov i n e who was i g n oring h i m . " LOOK H ER E ! I have cal led the police, a n d they s h o u l d be here a n y m i n ute. I m ust d e m a n d that you leave t h i s resta u rant I M M E D IATELY ! " "We a re exercis i n g o u r rig h t to peaceful protest ! " Th e cow res ponded. "We d o n 't have to leave! I know my rights! The First A m e n d m e nt says we-" "Yes, you DO have to leave! RIGHT N O W ! Get OUT of here ! " "We AREN'T leaving, right g u ys???" She t u rned to her left, a n d turned to h e r rig ht. Alas, there were n o oth e r bov i n es i n s ig ht. (Ye a h , I thought it was clever too . ) Her companions made the most tactfu l exit they cou ld the moment she started th row ing her ta ntru m . Alone and without recourse, the irate a n d a n g ry cow s l u m ped a little a n d decided that d i scretion was the better part of valor (well, as m u ch d iscretion as o n e ca n exercise w h e n dressed as a cow and covered i n red paint), m a k i n g her way out of the resta u ra nt. The resta u rant erupted into ra ucous a p pla u se . Everyone except me, as I was occupied with m o u rn i n g the loss of my precious l a m b, w h ich lay i n a h e a p o n the ta ble beside my plate. It wasn't the fact that it was m a n g led beyond bel ief that kept me from eating it . . . It was the thought of w h e re the cow's hooves had bee n . I was nea rly to the point of brea king down and cry i n g w h e n the manager returned to wax a pologetic a bout h i s late response. " I a m SO sorry t h is ha ppened to you fo l ks ! " I

tried to reassure h i m , "O h , it's not yo u r fa u lt - "

" No, rea lly . . . I had no idea t h is was g o i n g o n . I was i n my office on a phone call w h e n one of my e m ployees came in a n d told me what that some cows had entered the b u i l d i n g a n d were protesti n g , screa m i n g a bout how meat i s m u rder and ot her such nonse n se ! I s i m ply can not a pologize enoug h ! " " No, rea lly, it's okay," M i k e said . "It's not l i ke you dressed u p l i ke a cow a n d drizzled meat-juice on u s ." He chuckled nervously i n res ponse, pleased that we were n 't ready to lynch h i m . I felt so bad for t h is poor g u y. . . Here he was, ru n n i n g a respectable esta blishment - my favorite, i n fact - a nd he now has to m a ke a pologies for g oofy retards who have decided that their station i n life is to d ress as hooved m a m m a ls and a n noy

43

Mentally Incontinent

custo m e rs at a resta u rant, m a k i n g s u re that everyone i n t h e imm e d iate vicin ity knew that they not only had a n opinion, but a d i re need for peo ple to hear a bout it. B e i n g a gen e ra l ly decent person, h e offered to co m p a l l of o u r meals, but we i m m ed iately d ism issed that idea . " We l l , you shouldn't have to pay for that lam b," he s a i d , po inting to t h e wreckage that was once my d i n ne r. " I w i l l defi n itely take that off." "No, s i r," I res ponded, "It really is okay. S e rious ly, t h is was totally not yo u r fa u lt . Just m a ke m e a prom ise." "Anyth i n g , s i r. What ca n I do for you?" "If they ever come back, t h row them o n the g ri l l and serve them to the customers." H e d i d e n d u p taking the la m b off of our b i l l . H e a lso went so far as to have a n oth e r rack of la m b sent out for m e . It was a l most twice the size of the ori g i n a l . And it was DAMN ta sty.

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WI N N E R

I Thi n k I'm Tu r n i n g J a pa nese Other Stories

# of Votes 52°/o (66) # of Votes

Just Hangin' Around

24%

(31)

Fascination Street

16%

(20)

9%

(11)

I'm My Father's Son . . . How Unfortunate For H i m

M y comments: Eh, we 're i m matu re . I know that. It's j u st how we a re . But if you 've never been to Iowa , you s i m ply ca n not understa nd how boring that e ntire state rea l l y is ( u n less you live i n Kansas . . . O r poss ibly New Mexico ) . And d o n 't give me that crap a bout how S l i pk n ot is from there. Any band w h o has the audacity to sue B u rger King over a bunch of stupid com m e rcials featuring g rown men wearing ch icken costu mes sh oul d be shot from a g iga ntic s l i ngs hot i nto the mi ddl e of Lake S u perior a n d left to d rown i n their rid iculous m a ke u p a n d masks. And hon estly, who the h e l l a re THEY to feel l i ke they ca m e u p with the "We're going to d ress u p and ROCK THE FUCK OUT O F YOU ! ! ! ! " g i m ­ mick? Haven't they ever heard of GWAR or KISS? O h , right, of cou rse not - they d i d n 't n eed to hear them i n order to j ust steal t h e i r schtick a n d cla i m orig i n a l ity. They probably ca n 't hear themselves e ither, con­ sideri n g the " q u a l ity" of their m usic. Serious ly, kids, g o out a n d buy yo u rselves some Melvins records. Leave the ROCK to the experts.

Reader comments: "[This story] is less of an a m u s i n g a n ecdote than a n a d m i ssion of the author's infantile sense of h u m or. Yo u r sense of h u m o r w o u l d be better put to use scripting low-budget remakes of Three Stooges skits than writing stories that barely pass for painfully verbose potty jokes. In short, you're a moron."

-hyachts "Well, you are a poo-poo head, you poo-poo h e a d . Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." -me

Mentally Incontinent

I Th i n k I'm Tu r n i n g Japanese

''It looks l i ke I have fou n d something worth doing i n t h i s God­ forsa ken state," M i ke stated, marching into the room w h e re I was m a n ically scri b b l i n g fu rious thoug hts into one of my notebooks. "What/s that? S u icide?" " S u s h i .'/ I perked u p . "Seriously? There /s sush i here??// "Yea h , A n d rea's g ra n d m other s a i d they j ust opened a s u s h i place i n Des Moi nes a few months ago. That's o n ly a n hour from h e re ." I had my notebook folded and put away a n d was sta n d i n g u p by the time the last word fell out of h is mouth . "Let's go," I s a i d , marc h i n g to kitchen to fetch the ladies. Appa re ntly, I had j u st i nterru pted a serious a n d i n -depth d i scussion a bout kn itting o r cooking o r something women discuss w h i l e seated at a ta ble i n the kitchen w h e n I e ntered the room excla i m i n g , " Hey, let's go to that s u s h i place ! " A n d rea, her G ra n d m a Pete a n d her Aunt J a n a l l looked u p at m e i n u n ison, excruciati n g ly silent. "Come on, it'll be fu n ! " "I don/t t h i n k I'd l i ke sushi m u c h ," her A u n t Jan repl i ed. "I don 't really want to eat raw fis h ." G ra n d m a Pete perked u p . " I d u n n o ... I've been m e a n i ng to try it. I'm probably going to d ie soon a n yway. . . what the h e l l ! J a n , let's go with t h e m ! " "Aww, G ra n d m a Pete, you don't have to d o this . . ." A n d rea re plied. " No, no, you kids have o n ly been i n Iowa fo r a day a n d a h a lf a n d a l ready you a re bored to tears. You need to do someth i n g fu n ! " " Eating raw fi s h does n 't sound l i ke fun to me," Jan m uttere d . " O h , J a n , shove it u p your ass. J ust for once, t h i n k of someone other t h a n you rself." M i ke a n d I looked at one a noth e r and b u rst into la u g hter. "What? What's so fun ny, boys?" "Well, m a 'a m ," h e re plied, "It's j u st that we d i d n 't rea l l y ex pect you to, well, you k n ow . . ." 46

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

"What, have a mouth l i ke a s a i lor? E h , m y days of being prim a n d proper a re long gone. Now, I j u st say what I feel." "We l l , forg ive u s for l a u g h ing at your ea rnestness, G ra n d m a Pete," I added. "It's not that we are laug h i ng at you ..." " I u n d ersta n d , Joe. It's okay, I t h i n k it's p retty funny too." S h e gri nned a g i a nt, toothy g rin a n d ushered us out the door. The jou rney to Des Moines was excruciati n g . Along the way, A n d rea's g ra n d m other pointed out the various l a n d m arks that the indigenous people of the land a l l knew the history of and attached great s i g n ificance to. We a l l "ooo h 'ed" as we passed the g rain silo that was destroyed by a tornado i n 1999. The " a h h h 's" practica lly leapt from o u r mouths w h e n we - luckily - caught a g l i m pse of the O l dest Cow i n Iowa . I was so very n e a r to wetting myself from the sheer joy of seeing a l l six of the bra n d new p u rple-spotted m i l k trucks advertis i n g the local d a i ry o n o u r d rive that I had to bite my t h u m b to c u rb the enthusiasm. We fi n a lly rolled i nto the bustl ing metropolis that is Des Moines, a n d I was severely u n d erwh e l m e d . I cou l d n 't possibly i m a g i n e a more dreadful place if I tried - a n d yes, I've been to Detroit. This city was less l i ke a city and more l i ke a n experiment i n lack of sensory i n put. Everything was rema rka bly b l a nd , the scenery blending completely together form i n g a d u l l beige a l most eve ryw h e re one looked - with the very nota ble exception of the resta u ra nt we event u a l l y arrived at. Th is place . . . WOW. The o n ly word I ca n conj u re to describe it is 'festive'. It was so stereotypica l ly Japa n ese that I ex pected to see Chosen and Da n i el-san fig hting in the parking lot as M r. Myiagi s p u n his h a n d - d ru m . There were paper la nterns stru n g from the overhang s pa n n i n g the periphery of the b u i l d i n g , each one sha ped as either a b u l b or a fis h . The w a l kway u p was made of pebbles, bonsaied trees scattered a m ongst bronze statues of s a m u ra i in the co u rtyards on either side of the path. The doors were made of steel a n d g lass refaced to resem ble wood a n d rice paper and opened on tracks horizontal ly, j ust as you would expect from a n y door you have ever seen i n a n y Japa nese-themed mov ie. As we d rew nea re r, the ' pl i n g s ' a n d 'twa ngs' of w h at was s u pposed to be traditional Koto m u s i c cou ld be heard g rowing louder and louder, the soft p i pes i n the backgro u n d fu rther personifying every pierc i n g note coming from the synthesized instru ment. M i ke was severely a m used at exactly how far out of their way the proprietors of the esta blishment had gone i n order to m a ke it look Ja pa n ese. "God . . . Look at this place ! THIS RU LES ! " H e broke into a fit of laughte r. "Yeah . . . it certa i n ly is, u m m . . . n ice," A n d rea re plied, trying to show h e r g ratitude for the gesture her extended fa m i ly was m a k i n g 47

Mentally Incontinent

by going to eat what they affectionately and repeatedly referred to as "ba it". "This place looks l i ke it landed h e re after being kicked out of Ja pa n by Godzi lla ." "Sh h h h h ! Joe, be n ice . . . please ! " " B u t sweetie, LOOK at it! Th is is-" "THIS is a n effort by my g ra n d m other a nd a u n t to do somet h i n g that we m ight fi n d fun ." H e r voice was h u shed but her tone was stern. "BE A PPRECIATIV E." " Fine, fine . . . I j ust hope everyone i s n 't k u n g -fu fig h t i n g - " "JOE !" " Fine . . ." We e ntered the b u i l d i n g and were g reeted by a ta l l w h ite g i rl dressed i n a kimono w h o looked exactly as a tra d itional Ja pan ese wo man would if Abercro m b i e a n d Fitch existed i n feu d a l Japa n . ''Ko- Neeeeechy Wa h ! " i m med iately looked over at M ike, noticing the battle he was wag i n g aga i n st the u rg e to break into a n u n contro l la bl e fit of l a u g hter. "Welcome to The S u s h i Pa lace ! How many are i n yo u r party?" I

"Six," I replied thro u g h cli nched teet h , fig hting the corners of my mouth to keep them from u ptu rn i n g i n a s m irk. "Ah h -so! Verrrry good, s i r. Right this way !" The o n ly t h i n g that co u ld have possibly been more degra d i n g to Ja pan ese people everywh e re would have been if they had C h a r l i e C h a n videos play i n g from mon itors i n the lobby a n d a scale model of a World War I I intern m ent camp made of Lego's. I let the l a d ies go i n front of us, d ropping back to swa p a few s n id e com m e n ts with my best frie n d . "Jes u s , yo u t h i n k the JACL knows a bout this place?" "I'm su re if they d i d , they'd send a crack team of n i njas to take the place out . . . " We cackled as we made o u r way to o u r table which rested o n the floor. We noticed everyone p a u s i n g for a moment as they w a l ked in, be n d i ng down to pick u p the shoes they j u st kicked off and placing them i nto a cu bby hole j u st on the other side of the wa l l . " U h h ... NO. You a re N OT doing that," I told M i ke . "Yeah,

I

d o n 't w a n t to. I dou bt a nyone i n h e re does."

You see, M i ke suffers from Hyperhydrosis, a co nd ition that ca uses a person to sweat excessively i n loca lized a reas of the body. 48

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

It j u st so h a ppens that h i s a re his feet, w h ich a few hours after showering te n d to take o n a n odor best described as ' p u n g e nt'. He made h i s way i nto the room a n d proceeded to kneel at o u r chairless ta ble w h e n a person w h o m I g u ess was the footwear enforcer, a w h ite guy d ressed i n a robe, called out to h i m . " U h , sir, you a re going to have to remove your shoes." M i ke replied "Bel ieve me, you really don't want m e to." "Trust h i m , you rea lly d o n 't," I added . "I'm so rry, s i r, it's o u r pol icy." " We l l , can't you m a ke a n exception j u st this once?" "I'm so rry, s i r. These are the rules. I'm afra id the owners a re very strict." M i ke looked at m e i n pa n ic . I turned to the shoe sa m u ra i and proceeded to plead h is ca se. " Liste n , m a n , you should probably j ust let h i m keep h i s shoes o n . Serious ly, it w i l l be a bad sce n e if you m a ke h i m ta ke them off." " I wish I co u ld , s i r," the atte ndant res ponded, barely m a k i n g the effort to s o u n d ea rnest. "It's the way we d o things h e re . This i s a traditional J a pa nese resta u ra nt, a n d we take o u r shoes off." "Trad itio n a l . . . Right. Co m e on, m a n , I have n 't yet seen a s i n g l e J a pa n ese person i n t h i s place ! " " We l l , it is our theme." "So wh at?" "So, it is o u r policy that a nyone work i n g o r d i n i n g i n h i s resta u rant m ust remove their footwear." I looked down at his feet a n d noticed that h e was weari n g a pa i r of wooden sandals. "You a re wearing footwea r." "These a re traditional." I sighed, losing patience. " F i n e . M ike, g o ahead, take 'em off." M i ke stood u p, m a rched over to the s h oe god, and removed h i s left s h oe. H e h e ld it before h i m for a few seconds, a l lowing the sweet s m e l l of several months' worth of sweat that had settled deep i n the recesses of h i s shoes to e m a n ate forth. The atte n d a nt i m m e d iately cu pped h i s h a n d over his nose a n d mouth, re pu lsed by the va pors that filled the roo m . U n a ble to s pe a k, the atte nded lifted h is free h a n d and gestu red for M i ke to replace h is s hoe a n d get the hell away from h i m . M i ke ch uckled, put h i s s h oe back o n , and took h i s place at o u r ta ble. With i n a few m i n utes we were g reeted by o u r server, a you n g , very obviously M idwestern g i rl d ressed as a geisha com p lete with 49

Mentally Incontinent

w h iteface, h e r blonde h a i r tied i n a b u n a n d skewered by chopsticks. " Kon B a h h h h h n Wa h h h h h , and welcome to The S u s h i Palace. I a m Tiffa ny-sa n , and I w i l l be you r server. Can I start you out with a Coke or beer?" "Tiffa ny-sa n , a re you aware that you j u st called yourself ' M ister Tiffa ny' i n J a pa n ese?" " H u h?" I

shook my head. " Neverm i n d . . . I'd like green tea, please."

"Okay . . . It's bottled, is that okay?" "Bottled?" "Yes. It's Sobe, I t h i n k." "You don't have brewed g reen tea?" " U h , n o s i r?" What k i n d of s u s h i place - or any Ja panese place - does n 't have hot g reen tea? "Jes u s . . . yea h , okay, I'll j ust have a Coke." " Domoh Arrey Ga too !

I

w i l l be rig ht back with that!"

Th is place SUCKED. After a wh ile, she returned with our d rinks a n d a bottle of ice cold Sobe Green Tea . " H e re you a re , s i r." " I ordered Coke." " U h h ... no you d i d n 't, you ordered t h is ." " No, I told you

I

wanted a Coke."

" S i r, you asked m e if we had Green Tea ." "Yeah, I d i d . Then I said I wanted Coke." " U h , N O you d i d n't." "Yes, I DI D." " No, s i r, you DIDN'T." " Liste n , G e isha . . ." What I wou l d n 't have g iven at that moment to have a d a m a n t i u m claws e m bedded in my forea rm . Andrea chimed i n , "You l i ke Sobe Green Tea . J u st d ri n k it, please?" "But I d o n 't WANT Sobe Green Tea to n i g ht." She ca me i n closer a n d lowered h e r voice to a near w h i sper. "Please . . . j u st take it. Don't m a ke a spectacle." 50

I Really Think So

I boiled i n s i d e . I cou l d n 't a rg u e with her because she would certa i n l y p u l l out the 'social obl igation to be n ice in the face of the fa m i ly' card, yet I d id n 't rea l ly want cold m a n u factured green tea sweetened with corn syrup to wash down my s u s h i . I was i n a pickle. "Joe, just d rin k the d a m n Sobe," G ra n d m a Pete co m m a n d e d . That solved that. "Fine." I accepted the bottled beverage with a g ru d g e . M i ke cackled once a g a i n at the cute a n d cuddly old lady with a potty mouth . At once, o u r attention s h ifted back to Tiffa n y-sa n . "Okay, so what ca n I get for you to n ig ht?" No o n e at the ta ble had m u ch of a n idea of what to order, so they asked for reco m m endations. "Joe, why d o n 't you j ust order for us, s i nce you know what to get?" J a n asked. I thought for a moment. "We l l , okay t h e n . I h ig h l y reco m m e n d the Seppu k u ." M i ke choked on the water h e was attem pti n g to d ri n k , cou g h i n g it u p a l l over h i s s h i rt . I m m e d i ately, A n d rea s w u n g her head around a n d shot me a look that shou ld have left a n exit wou n d . Thro u g h clenched teeth, s h e co m m a n d e d : " Do NOT do th is." Too late,

I mouthed .

G ra n d m a Pete spoke u p , "Ooh, that sounds exotic. W h at is it?" " We l l , if I told you, you may not try it. Trust m e , it's good." " U m m . . . " o u r a n n oy i n g little Ge isha chimed u p, " I d o n 't k n ow if we have that here." " O h , trust me, a l l the GOOD s u s h i places have it. Go back and ask the chef to g ive you the S e p p u k u ." A n d rea sighed a n d b u ried her face i n her pa l ms. "Okay, u m . . . okay. I'll be rig ht back ! " She s p u n on h e r heel a n d s h uffled off to the chef station . ''I can't B E LIEVE you d i d that," A n d rea re pl ied. merely g ri n ned and w i n ke d . M i ke was busy mopping u p the mess from the water that had fa l l e n out of h is mouth, a n d the rest of the ta ble began to d e m a n d to know what Seppuku was. I

"O kay, I d o n 't know you well, but over the past two days I have seen how you two act," Jan stated. "Obviously, there's some sort of inside joke. W h at i s Seppu k u ?" I explai ned the laws of bushido to them, giving a brief history on the rit u a l of Seppu k u . As I was j u st getting to the pa rt w h e re the 51

Mentally Incontinent

sa m u ra i would slide the blade of the k n ife across the intestines a n d then th rust it u pward i n to his heart, o u r server retu rned . " U m m , o u r ch efs said they can't do that." "Aww, th at's a SHA M E ! " Seppuku ! "

I

re p l ie d . "I had my h e a rt set on the

A s m a l l ch uckle ema nated forth from a l l at the ta ble. "When I a s ked the ch efs what it was, they a l l started l a u g h ing at m e . It was stra n g e . What is it?" " O h , it's really good . You s h o u l d D E FI NITELY try it somet i m e ." She looked puzzled. Nervously la u g h i n g i n ord e r to fit i n with the genera l mood, s h e re plied " O kay, I defin itely w i l l . Is there something else I ca n get for you?" " H m m . . . I know! If there is o n e t h i n g I l i ke better t h a n a chef doing a good Seppuku, it's several of them m a k i n g B u kkake !" M i ke literally howled with laughte r. A n d rea sat there, stone­ faced, biti ng h e r l i p and u n a ble to look at m e . " U h h , okay. . ." "It u s u a l l y takes more than one person to m a ke it. And s i n ce there a re s i x of us, a l l of your chefs may have to join i n to m a ke enoug h . Ask t h e m if they have t i m e, a n d tell them we are patient and w i l l wait for it." She scri bbled a bit o n her pad, s p u n once a g a i n a n d shuffled away to ask the chefs for the th i rd most searched word o n Google. As I lifted my bottle of Sobe to my l i ps, A n d rea s m a cked me i n the back of the head, causing the bottle to smash into my teet h . "You A S S ! I can't BELIEVE I'm ma rried to you ! " My s n ickering a n d M ike's cack l i n g c l u ed the rest of the ta ble i n . "O kay," A n d rea's g ra n d mothe r stated, " I d e m a n d to k n ow what B u k ka ke is." " We l l it's when-" '

"NO ! " A n d rea raised her h a n d to my mouth . " G ra n d m a , you d o NOT wa nt to know ! " I g l a n ced over at the chef station to see the chefs dou bled over with l a u g hter a n d o u r server ta l ki n g to a ta l l dark-ha i red wh ite g u y w h o looked l i ke the m a nager of the restaura nt . S h e poi nted over at o u r ta ble, a n d h e m a rched over to us with a very stern look o n his face. " Excuse me, s i r?"

52

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

" O h , come on," I re plied, " D o n 't tell me you g u ys c a n 't m a ke B u k ka ke either. . . " " S i r, please. This behavior is not tolerated in this resta u ra nt . If you ins ist u po n tricking o u r staff i nto asking the ch efs for s u icide or s e m e n , I a m g o i n g to have to a s k you to leave .�� " Fine by me," I said, start i n g to sta n d u p . Andrea g ra bbed my belt a n d ya n ked me back into my chair. "I a m SO so rry," s h e offe red . " H e w i l l behave better, I promise." " No I won 't. This place sucks." "Yes," s h e said, j a bbing m e i n the ribs, "you WILL." " I d o hope so," the m a nager said curtly as he walked away. M i ke was w i p i n g the tea rs out of his eyes . " O H , my god, that was the funn iest thing I have ever seen." " M I K E ! Don't encourage h i m ! " A n d rea was gett i n g pissed . She turned back to me, begg i n g , "PLEASE, Joe, let's j ust eat a n d leave ." ''We ll, if

I

ca n 't have b u kka ke , I d o n 't wa nt a nyt h i ng ."

That was it. S h e reared back a n d la nded a p u nch s q u a re on my •

Jaw. And YES, it h u rt. S h e works out, you know. Fearing another left hook to the mouth, I m a naged to keep my q u i ps a n d jeers to myself as o u r server retu rned to get o u r real orders, reco m m e n d i n g the "shrimp roll t h i n g ies" a n d "some s m oked salmon things . . . I don't re m e m be r what they a re called, but they a re rea l ly good." Frustrated, I s i m ply ordered the sash i m i sampler, hoping that I might win the raw fish lottery and act u a l l y get somet h i n g worth eat i n g . Those h o pes were dashed u pon the rocks of rea lity a s my food was placed before m e . Each a n d every piece of sas h i m i looked as if it was hacked from the body of the fish with a cha i n saw. The platter had an u n m ista kably 'fishy' s m e l l , and as the old saying goes, "If it s m e lls l i ke fis h , it's not good f i s h ." The rest of the table seemed pleased with their o rders and had beg u n to eat, so I decided to a ba n d o n my common sense a n d sample a piece of what I assumed was Yellowta i l . It was l i ke chewing o n a fl i p-flop. I opened my mouth w h i le chewing a n d let the d isg usti ng morsel drop out of my mouth, which I i m med iately fi lled with Sobe g reen tea . The pleasa nt m ixture of sour fish a n d overly-sweetened g reen -tea­ flavored beverage was a bit overw h e l m i n g , a n d I let the fou l liquid a lso fa l l right o u t of my mouth and splash over the rubbish that was my d i n n e r. The entire scene was, natura l ly, a riot for M i ke, who was chortling away w h i l e sca rfi n g down his fo u rth bowl of rice. A n d rea, 53

Mentally Incontinent

however, was s l i ghtly less t h a n pleased . " O h , COME on . . . can't you j u st, for once i n your l ife, behave l i ke a normal h u m a n being around h i m ? " " S u re, I can . . . Just not h e re . And definitely not with this food," which I picked u p , d a n g led, then let g ravity y a n k back to the plate . "Yeah, m i ne's not that great either," M i ke added . "It's RICE. How ca n rice be bad?" a s ked A n d re a . " Besides, you've had four bowls of it." "Yeah, beca use I'm h u n g ry and everyt h i n g else on my plate is g a rbage!" Being the k i n d a n d co nsiderate fri e n d that I a m , I decided he co uld try s a m p le a bit of m i n e . "We l l , here, you ca n have what's left of this." picked u p the slos h i n g a n d fetid contents of my tria ngle­ sha ped plate, reached over A n d rea's lap, a n d d u m ped them d i rectly on top M i ke 's food. The conglomeration was too m u ch for the sha llow edges of h i s plate to hold, a n d some of the So be a n d a few bits of the fish m issed their target a n d ro l l ed off the ta ble onto M i ke's lap. I

He i m med iately shot u p from h is kneeling position, k n oc king his bowl of rice i n to his g l a ss of water and s p i l l i n g it all over the ta ble. "Aww, m a n ! Come on, n o w ! You d i d n 't have to do THAT ! " "I'm so rry, man . . . I d i d n 't m e a n to actually h it you r l a p ! " I felt terrible, but I cou l d n 't help chuckling d u e to the j uvenile yet fa irly fu nny circumstances s u rro u n d i n g the wet spot that had fo rmed at h i s g ro m . •

He beca me obviously a g g ravate d . He picked u p one of the s l a bs of fish I had j ust d u m ped on h i s plate and fl u n g it at me, stri k i n g me in the face. I was m o m e nta rily stu n n ed from the meaty projectile that had j ust struck m e . The look on my face m u st have been priceless, beca use Andrea sta rted la u g h i n g u n controllably. "What? What's so funny a bout being h it i n the face with fis h ? ? " Th is q u estion j u st prompted a n other fit of la u g hter, this t i m e with h e r g ra n d mother a n d a u nt join i n g i n the chorus. Determined to s i lence this racket, I stood, reached over to M i ke's plate, a n d g ra b bed a h a ndful of the g lo p that the food had t u rned into. I then hovered my cl inched fist over A n d rea's lap. " Do n 't you DARE ! " she excl a i m e d . She s h ot stra ig ht u p a n d , los i n g h e r balance, bon ked h e r head rig ht into the fist that conta ined the food. A bit of it oozed out i nto her h a i r. She gasped i n d is bel ief. "JOE! How co uld you?"

54

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

"Hey, that was YOU R fa u lt. You d i d that!" She smacked the fist fu l l of fish away from her. My g ri p loosened a n d the mess was fl u n g across the table, hitting her grand moth e r. We both stood there with our mouths open as we watched bits of raw fish a n d rice d renched i n Sobe ooze down h e r face. "Gra n d m a Pete ! I a m SOOO sorry ! " Her g ra n d mother s i m ply w i ped her face clea n , looked stra ight at me, and said, "Joe . . . get her." That was a l l it took. M i ke grabbed A n d rea a n d clinched her arms close to h e r waist as I picked u p a n other ha n dful of the mess a n d d u m ped it o n her head . S h e screa med, securing the attention of every patron near us w h o wasn't a l ready fi rmly e n g rossed i n the sce n e that was playing out before them . Within seconds, the man ager re-entered the room , red-faced and ste a m i n g . "Okay, you need to leave. NOW." We a l l s i m ply stood there bashfully. " RIGHT NOW. Please, collect your t hi ngs a n d leave the premises, or I w i l l have to call the police." We com p l ied, m a k i n g o u r way to t h e s h oe co m pa rtments a n d placing them on o u r feet. I h e l ped G ra n d m a Pete put her shoes on w h i l e M i ke took his off, waved them a round the room, a n d placed them back on h i s feet. A nea rby customer g ra bbed h is nose i n response to the fo u l odor that fi lled the roo m . As we slowly filed out of the room a n d toward the door, G ra n d m a Pete stopped, tu rned and faced the Manager, and excl a i m e d i n a loud yet effe m i nate voice, "Th is place fu cking sucks." M i ke, A n d rea a n d I l itera lly cra w l ed the rest of the way out of the b u i l d i n g d u e to the cri p p l i n g laug hter that had overcome us. The manager stood i n the foyer with h i s arms crossed a n d stern look on his face as we howled a n d cackled o u r way out of the b u i l d i n g . Being the last one out, I tu rned a ro u n d a n d shouted, "And by the way - I'm telling everyone I know that the bu kkake here is HORRIBLE!" Lucki ly, there was a N i nj a Burger Resta u ra nt nea rby. They d e l iver i n 3 0 m i n utes o r they com m it Seppuku ( b ut, tha n kfu l ly, not bu k ka ke ) .

55

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WINNER

"Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking!" by Matt Galloway (hagbard23) Other Stories "Jimmy And The Carnival" by homer

# of Votes 36°/o { 53 ) # of Votes 34% (49 )

"Just Another Day I n Paradise" by utter_bastard

9% ( 1 3 )

"Gerity's Tactical Error" by Jesse

7% ( 1 0 )

"Glass Breakage Month" by UncleSharky

4% (6)

"New Jack Hustler" by cut_the_mullet "The Evil Lesbians" by headsfromspace

3% (5) 3% (4)

"Get to the Back of the Line!" by actmodern

3 % (4 )

"Revenge is a Dish Best Served With Milk" by Jendimonium

1 % (2)

My Comments : S i n ce starting th is p roject, I've met some a m azing a n d wonderfu l people. I'd never rea l l y spoken with H a g ba rd 2 3 (Matt) until the g u est c h a pter contest. O u r com m u n ication had mostly been relegated to s i m ple g reet i n g s a n d a few i n stant messages h e re and there . Once he'd won the G uest C h a pter I Contest, however, he became a pretty pe rmanent fixtu re i n both the website and my life, t u rn i n g into one of my best buddies. It's o n ly a matter of fou r votes that seperated h i m from Hom er's story (wh ich was also fantastic), so it's rea l l y j u st luck that we beca me friends. BAD LUCK. (J ust k i d d i n g , of co u rse) . Matt's writing has a n i n cred i b l e sense of playfu l n ess that captu res the fee l ings of the mome nt. It really b rought m e back to the days of my youth , when I was doing m u c h of the s a m e crap h e was (w ith the exception of the d ri n ki n g . I was one of those retards you see at RAWK shows with a big black "X" on h is h a n d that everyone hates because h e 's a big jerk, but h e t h i n ks it's j u st another s i g n that h e 's better than everyone else beca use h e doesn't d ri n k or know how to j ust RELAX . . . ) . Without further a d i e u , I g ive you Matt's a m azingly awesome story.

Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking! by Matt Galloway

" M idgets, F i rearms a n d U n derage D ri n ki n g ! " by Matt Galloway

For wh atever reason I'm feel i n g i ncred i bly nosta l g ic this morn i n g . I'm th i n ki n g way back, WAY back to the days of fla n n e l s h i rts, cut off j ea n s h orts a n d Pearl J a m tapes - back to t h e t i m e my friend Dave, myse lf, a n d ( m ost i m porta ntly) o u r g e n ita ls decided to take a last m i n ute trip u p to the "Th u m b" of Michiga n . For those of you who u n d e rsta n d what the "Th u m b" is - great. For those of you who don 't, hold your right h a n d u p . Move your right th u m b from the h a n d s l i g htly. If that doesnt work, buy a m a p a n d figure it out. We were going to d rive u p north to the town of Port Austi n a n d s u rprise some young ladies. They were u p there a n d o u r g e n itals had been te l l i n g us that we needed to be u p there too . . . What a g reat idea ! We were fresh from h i g h school d u ri n g the Forth of J u ly holiday that s u m m e r, a n d we had a 1984 monkey s h it brown Dodge O m n i we co uld pack chock fu l l of gear. We even were fed some secret camping spots from my Good 0 1 ' U ncle Rob. He gave them to us i n the more than l i kely event that we co u l d n 't get a place to ca m p (come o n . j u st beca use it's the o n e of the biggest camping weekends of the year i n the Mecca of the ca m p i n g world of Lower Mich igan should n 't be the reason u s two studly you n g m e n can't find a place to crash . ) . So, loaded w ith one big tent, two backpacks fu l l of clothes a n d o u r set of Pearl J a m , Pantera a n d Red Hot C h i l i Peppers tapes, we made off to the great outdoors. O u r pla n was to meet Ch risty ( m y g i rl frie n d at the time) and her friend Heather. They had a p l a n ned vacation with Ch risty's crazy - a nd I mean CRAZY - fa m i ly. Seeing how it was a planned vacati o n , they had a ca b i n and a l l the nice t h i n g s our tent did not have. had u n s u ccessfu l l y attem pted to camp with these people the year before. It d i d not e n d w e l l . H e r father was estra nged from the fa m i ly, a n d he got exactly two cha nces a year to see h i s fa m i l y a n d be a norm a l dad, this was h i s first cha nce of the year. It ended prematurely with h i m pointing a . 3 8 at m e t h ro u g h the haze of Budweiser and Marl boro that was fog g i n g u p h i s bra i n at the t i m e . Ye p, ol' Yose m ite Sam had a hell of way of m a k i n g a tri p u nforgetta b l e . I

That was, however, last year. THIS year, Dave a n d I would have o u r own place a n d o u r own vehicle in case we needed to h ig htail it out of tow n . We left on T h u rsday a n d the g i rls would be u p Frid ay, so we had ple nty of time to get everyth i n g i n order to m a ke it look 57

Mentally Incontinent

l i ke we were some serious outdoorsmen a n d woo the fair g i rls i nto be l ieving that we, as h u nter-gatherers, w o u ld provide a m ply for them - without, of course, being too prim itive. After d riving a l l a ro u n d the i m med iate a rea of Port Austi n , lo a n d behold there was not o n e ca m pi n g spot open for two teen age boys. So off to the h idden u ltra secret ca m pi n g spots Good 0 1 ' U ncle Rob had given u s to look for a place to bivouac for the n ig ht . We fo u n d a n ice patch of sandy offs hoot of the backwoods fire t ra i ls that looked pe rfect for o u r tent a n d even a n ice fire pit - never m i n d that b i g red a n d w h ite s i g n that expressed the State's o p i n io n that we s h o u l d n 't be ca m ping there . I'm s u re that d i d n 't mean us, or the three carloads of people that fo llowed us i n . We u n loaded the poo colored O m n i a n d beg a n set u p camp. One tent, two sleeping bags, two backpacks, o n e radio with tape deck, one bottle of wh iskey? W h at the. Dave? Dave knew I d i d n't d ri n k a n d that I would be q u ite u pset at this d i scovery. Not matter, it was h e re a n d nobody would care. But what w a s n 't h e re was o n e a l l - i m portant ca m pi n g util ity - a hatchet. The hatchet is a bout as essential as a towel w h e n space trave l i n g . You cut fi rewood with it, you h a m m e r i n tent stakes with the flat e n d , ward off d ru n ke n h i l l bi l l ies with it, the uses go on forever. We l l we n eeded a hatchet, so into to town we went. We l l to trim u p the bori n g deta i l s of getting a hatchet, setting u p ca m p a n d oth e r m u ndane t hi ngs we'll j ust flash forward to 1 : 0 0 A M . The campfire is out, Dave is out after half his bottle of w h i sky, I'm out from being ex h a u sted and a l l i s rig ht with the world, u ntil I hear the rustling outside o u r tent. Office r W h at's His N uts has decided to e n force this whole " Not ca m pi n g out h e re " dea l . The flas h l i g h t ma kes its way a ro u n d our little nylon dome a n d beg i n s knocking at o u r door. Along with his brus h i n g on o u r tent I can a lso hear the sounds of o h . . lets say three carloads of people packing u p three carloads of camping g e a r. I u n z i p it a n d extend m y "yessi r", "nosir" head out. The fol lowing co nversation went something a long these lines : Officer: Can

I

see your ID s i r?

Myself: Of course Offi cer. 0:

What are you fellas doing out h e re?

M : We l l we co u ld n 't fi n d a ca m p i n g site . So my Good 0 1 ' U ncle Ro b told u s about these tra i l s h e camps on w h i l e h u n ting. We ll n e ither you nor h e should be ca m p i n g here eve r. I'm g o n n a have to ask you pack u p your gear a n d move a l o n g . 0:

M : S u re t h i n g Officer. (Sta rts shooti n g t h e fl a s h l i g h t a round o u r sight a n d moves towards my car.) 0:

My stomach d rops a bout three i n ches lower t h a n my kneecaps 58

Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking! by Matt Galloway

a n d I get that rea l cold sweaty fee l i n g i n my colon as he s h i nes the light into my car. 0:

Co u ld you step over h e re s i r.

M : Yes . 0:

Is this your bottle i n the car?

Now I really wish Dave would be u p and h a n d l i n g h is liquor prob l e m . M : U m , e r. e h h h . Dave : That would be m i n e Officer. He clam ors out of the tent. Saved by the d r u n k 18 year o l d ! The officer ended u p m a k i n g Dave d u m p out the rem a i n i n g content of the bottle onto the g ro u n d a n d wrote m e u p for u n lawful ca m pi n g . The o n ly p roblem we now had was fi n d i n g a place to go a n d ca m p at 2 AM on Fourth of J u ly weeke n d . This tu rned out to be a very interesting pro b l e m , w h ich involved a very interesting tow n . Of course before we get there, Dave a n d I spend a bout five hours sleeping, well not sleeping as m u c h as rest i n g , on a back road i n the m id d l e of farm l a n d . Even rest was h a rd to get as both of us were d rea m i n g of Deliverance and Texas Cha insaw Massacre. The next morning came with a b u l l w h i p to my n ec k a n d b i l l y c l u b shot to m y lower back; I look back a n d wonder how I eve r co u l d 've slept i n such awkward positions i n a n O m n i . After d riving a l l over H e l l 's h a lf acre trying to find some form of lod g i n g for the two us, we ran i nto Sebewa i n g . We had been following State Ca m pg ro u n d s i g n s arou n d all over; otherwise we wou ld have never found t h i s town or ca m pg ro u n d . This creepy little b u rg d i sturbed me from the start. Th i n k a co m bination of Twi n Peaks a n d I n n smouth from Lovec raft a n d you get the idea . It had meta l s kyways over the entrance to the ca m pgrou n d , very eerie. To o u r a m azement they had spots open for to lost a n d weary travelers such as we were, with the strict rules of n o loud m usic and no fi reworks. We set u p o u r base ca m p a g a i n , a n d decided to clean u p i n the conve n ient 2 5 -cent showers . In the ten m i n utes I was i n the shower I saw a m a n smoking a cig a rette thro u g h a hole in h is t h roat, a m a n with one leg, a b i ker m idget (how does he ride a big chopper?), a n d a man who ta l ked to h i m self the entire time h e was I the bath room sta l l . Need less to say I d i d n't spend m uch time " p ri m pi n g " i n that bathroo m . So now it was m i d -afte rnoon and we decided the g i rls would be i n tow n a n d ready to get away from the fa m i ly. We met them at their cabin, said h e l lo to the fa m i l y then took them out on the tow n . After we told them of o u r troubles and a l l the 59

Mentally Incontinent

craziness we headed back to ca m p a n d h u n g out with crazy peo ple. After a bit Ch risty's father asked us to come out to d i n n e r with them, after a brief h u d d le Dave and I decided to a g ree. After a l l he was pay i n g a n d h e seemed i n good s p i rits . In the m id d l e of d i n n e r we we 're even i n v ited to stay i n the c a b i n , what luck we needed d rive back to Tw i n Peaks to sleep w it h i n the sounds of s u g a r being rolled over a n d over a n d over into d ifferent g rades. As we cord ia l ly talked and s u pped on seafood, o u r host had beer. Lots of it. Based on my earlier ta le, you can g u ess w h e re t h is is h e a d i n g , Yes, S h ooty McBa n g ba n g decided to start h is yelling a n d a bu s i n g . So very q u ickly following d i n ne r the g i rls decided it would be a better idea to stay with u s for the re m a i n d e r the vacation . Score ! ! O u r g e n ita ls h a d n 't steered u s wrong ! However, this d i d mean we would be going back to the tow n from Lovecraft. A little tired from o u r l o n g a n d h a rs h day, we decided to i m m ediately go to bed when we got back to the tent. We learned that very n ig h t the reasons that tigers eat their yo u n g . O u r next door neig h bors, a g ro u p of a bout a dozen o r so you n g fe llers, were blaring ga ngsta rap m usic and lig hting off l a rg e explosives a bout five feet from o u r tent. And t h roughout the ordea l we heard some of the most q u otable l i nes ever, i n c l u d i n g "YO Cheeto ! , Wh ere's my axe at?", "YO Cheeto! W h e re you'd put those q u a rter sticks?", a n d my personal favorite "YO Cheeto ! Let's g o cow ti p p i n ! N a h m a n , let's go cow k i l l i n ! " After that last one, we hea rd several cars take off, o n l y to return a bout forty five m i n utes later with the e n g i nes roa ri n g . They d i d n't s h ut off the e n g i n es but I heard "YO Cheeto! The five-oh is com i n g h u rray u p ! " W h e n we awoke i n the morn i n g everyth ing i n their camp was gone a n d so was my brand new hatchet. To this day I still wonder if that hatchet isn't i n some ev idence locker i n Bad Axe county Michigan smeared with cow's blood . We decided the next phase of t h i s plan was to drive to the m iddle of the state to Dave's parents' cabin i n Claire County. That fact that we had neither a key nor perm ission d id n 't sta n d i n o u r way. So we broke c a m p and h i g h -ta i led it out of that freaky town and deci ded to m a ke a b-line to the ca b i n . So here we a re four ha ppy camp e rs and their gear stuffed into o u r little O m n i of adve ntu re, barre l i n g across the mi ddl e of M i c h i g a n . I t h i n k know a bout how n i ce it was back t h e n to have l ittle more care than fi l l i ng u p the gas ta n k for the n ext few m i les. We were hot, cra m ped, a n d sti n ky - and not only d i d we l i ke it, we loved it. None of us were worried a bout credit card pay m e nts, rent, eve n car i n s u ra nce for that matter. It was the fo u r of us, a n d the roa d . And at the e n d of that road was a locked ca b i n , w h i c h we had n o earthly rig h t to be i n . I rem e m be r it was i n Claire County. That was the o n ly thing I re m e m be r a bout the location of the cabin beca use I re m e m be r this­ "The Bald Headed K i l ler Bear Of Cla i r Co u nty ! ! " J o h n Candy rest in 60

Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking! by Matt Galloway

peace. Anyway, honestly I really co u l d not point out w h e re t h is ca b i n was ever a g a i n . It was o n a la ke, i n the m id d l e of M ic h ig a n . W h ich is a bout as na rrow as I can get, a n d that i s l i ke saying this cabin was by a bom bed out pile of rubble i n Baghdad. W h e n we arrived there it was the e q u ivalent of rea c hi n g N i rvana, no g u n wielding B i l l y M a rtin look­ a l i kes, no nasty State Troo pers d u m pi n g o u r w h i s ky, a n d we got g irls! Now it's time to party. Dave a n d I nea red the Fortress of Happi ness and su rveyed the sce n e . Now Dave fa ncied the idea that h e knew where a spare key ways, so off he goes to lift u p the magic plastic rock a nd u ncover the key. I w a l k u p to the door and get ready to sweep our lovely lad ies across the threshold into our h ideaway. I move to the screen door to open it a n d facil itate the open i n g of the large oak door at the back of the cabin. Locked. The screen door is locked from the inside, meaning the o n ly key we may have access to is a bout as useless as a n a lcohol ics anonymous program i n Belfast. I sat there staring at the screen door in d isbel ief, lousy five l bs of wood and w i re mes h . Dave however had a diffe rent take on the i m pe d i m e nt; ever see Big Trou ble i n Little C h i n a ? Re m e m be r w h e n Jack B u rton k n i fed through the h o l low elevator door to ta ke them down i nto C l u b Lo Pa n ? We ll yea h , that's about what Dave d i d . " W h at's this, hollow? Fuck it." His kn ife slid rig h t through the wire mesh and left a fl ap of it fo lded over itself blow i n g in the gentle off l a ke breeze. He slid the key into the lock a n d . . success! We were i n l i ke Fly n n . Did any one else g rowing u p thought th i n k that 'in l i ke fly n n ' m e a nt Flynn from Tron ? I s u re d i d , a n d two 80's movie refe rences i n one paragra p h for those keeping score at home. We settled into the cabin l i ke it was S h a n g ra-freaking -La. After one n ig h t cra m m e d into the O m n i with Dave on a side street smack d a b i n the m iddle of Del iverance and one n ig ht camped next to some biza rre cow- m u rd e ring cult, a n i g h t in peace a n d q u iet with o u r l a d ies would be divine. We set u p home base a n d d ivided the rooms. Ch risty a n d I would take the spare room, and Heath e r wou ld get the m a i n bedroom to herself. Dave would sleep on t h e co uch. Th is was Dave's idea, be the gentleman a n d s h e would swoon into his a rms. We l l a l l the n ice guys know w h e re they fi n i s h , a n d for those of you who don't know w h e re they fi n i s h ; they a re n 't holding a medal. We decided that going into town a n d buying food, booze a n d fireworks would be the best idea poss i b l e . Into town we went to gather u p a l l the things a g ro u p of four 1 7 & 1 8 year olds wou ld consider essentials for the weeke n d . I d rove a ro u n d gatheri n g the legal aspect of these essentials, food , water, toilet paper a n d a n ything else the local m a rket held that we could

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afford o n o u r meager budget. Dave h a n d led h a n g i n g out i n front of liquor stores asking every yahoo w h o sau ntered by if t h ey would buy h i m beer, w i n e coolers, a n yth i n g . And eventua lly th ro u g h complete luck h e wasn't shooed away from the storefront a n d actu a l l y score d . I believe he ended u p p u rchasing two packs of w i n e coolers and a case of Molson Ice. After loading a l l the illegal cargo we l l into the back of the hatchback tru n k, we put the power of years of Tetris mastery i n to play a n d got the g roceries to fit back there as w e l l . Then Dave had a m ission ready for h i m se lf, it was of paramount i m portance to h i m . This was l i ke a M u s l i m fi n d i n g west so he could p ray, l i ke a d i a betic find his insu l i n ; a n Iris h m e n find his stashed bottle of w h i s ky. Dave needed illegal fireworks. We searched for the s h iftiest looking "legal" fireworks tent i n town , fo u n d it and p u l led to a l ready leaden car into t h e ma kesh ift g ravel parking lot. I, being a devout coward, let Dave h a n d l e the d i rty work. S u re e n o u g h , Dave w h i s pe rs i nto the severely w h ite trash adorned yokel ru n n i n g the operation, a n d as soon as the other two custo m e rs walk off with their boxes of sparklers a n d showeri n g fou ntains, Dave heads to the tru n k of a car. We cra m m e d the g iga ntic cyl i nders of g u n powder, boxes of 99 or so m issi les that w o u ld fire off ra ndomly a n d what I sti l l th i n k to t h is day was a g ross a m o u n t of bottle rockets, i nto the back seat a n d headed for h o m e . After a brief l u nch we decided to g o take the padd leboat out into the lake. We packed u p a cooler with some g r u b a n d beer and Bartles a n d J a m es or whatever fru fru w i n e coolers they were a n d donned o u r s w i m m i n g gear. We stra pped the cooler into the boat a n d shoved the a n cient looking over rated fl oatation device i n the lake. The once bright yel low a n d b ri l l i a nt wh ite had beg u n m e rge over years of s u n bleach i n g . It was now a l most a l l o n e color, the color of dried m ustard or a good h a ngover piss. But to u s it was noth i n g less than the fre a k i n g Love Boat! We a l l piled onto the l ittle bastard a n d Dave a n d I set to padd l i n g , a g a i n the chivalrous m e n take the g runt work. This was inte n sely h u morous seeing how Dave was a m i ldly overweight, out of s h a pe s m oker and I was a 6 ' 1201b, out of shape wea k l i n g . Dave got h i s exercise s m o k i n g pot a n d being a h i ppy a n d m y exercise ca me from l u g g i n g a backpack loaded with books to play Du ngeons a n d Dragons. N eed less to we never really m a d e it to the m iddle of lake. I bel ieve we padd led out to t h e point w h e re I passed out a n d Dave started co u g h i n g u p th ings res e m b l i n g those wacky wa l l walkers you could buy for a q u a rter i n those l ittle machines at the front of K-Mart. After Dave's l u n g s settled down a n d h e was a ble to get a heater l it i n h is mouth to ca l m h i m down and my g i rlfrie n d sla pped me awake with a wet s h i rt, we were ready for some re laxing l a ke activities. Dave cracked a beer a n d both g i rls opened wine coolers, s m o kes were passed a ro u n d a n d I dove i n . I was a classic s u m m e r afte rn oon, someth i n g out of a Cou ntry Time lemonade com m e rci a l . Eve ntually we were a l l i n the water hors i n g a ro u n d and playing g ra b 62

Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking! by Matt Galloway

ass. It wasn't too long before one word hopped i nto my m in d . a n chor. As i n we d i d n't t h row one i n the la ke, a n d as I th i n k about it.I d o n 't t h i n k we even had o n e . Slowly I turned, stroke by stroke . . . Inch-by­ inch . . . S u re as s h it. The boat was a good 50 yards away, and blow ing w h e reve r the l a ke w i n d s fe lt l i ke taking it. So now it was u p to the ch iva lrous knig hts once a g a i n to get the boat a n d save the d a m sels. Did I mention how out of s h a pe the two of us were? D i d I mention how merely padd l i n g the boat knocked us out? Now we had to swim at brea kneck speed a n d corral the paddleboat? C h rist o n a cracker. It took a w h ile, but we got it back u n d e r o u r control. It o n ly i nvolved a bout t h ree close ca lls with d ro w n i n g , a n d a bout a dozen near m iss grabs at the ropes d a n g li n g off the sides. But oh yes, we got h e r u n d e r contro l . After that esca pade we made u nconscious decision to break for m i d afternoon n a ps a l l a ro u n d . Then m a ke d i n ne r a n d go check out what Dave called "The H a u nted D a m ". I d i d n 't care for food o r ha unted places after a l l the s w i m m i n g and pad d l i ng a n d overexerting my fra i l body, I wanted sleep. And I got it. It was a bl issful three-hour n a p rig ht through the mi d d l e of day, a h h h sweet s u m m e r. I awoke to Ch risty a n d Heather cooking somet h i n g u p a n d Dave getting a l l h is fireworks ready for the S pectu lare D'Boom Boo m , as h e took to calling it. Actua l ly I j u st sta rted calling it that, right now. I l i ke the way it ri ngs i n the ears. After d i n n e r Dave got b e hi nd the wheel of the O m n i , a lways a sca ry vent u re , a n d drove us to "The Hau nted Da m ." I n the twi l ight we headed out, but we d i d g ra b one of the coolest things from the ca b i n first, a porta ble spotlight. Once it got d a rk out Dave assu red u s the porta ble spotlight would not o n ly be esse ntial, but would be very coo l . So off to "The H a u nted Da m " we went. I really have n o idea how long we rode for, but to h i s credit Dave knew exactly w h e re he was heading. H idden b e h in d a s m a l l g ro upi ng of trees on the edge of the forest was i n d eed a larg e con crete b u n ke r that served as a very s m a l l d a m . As it got d a rker mosqu itoes were everywhere, a n d they were beco m i n g very irritating. Along with the mosqu itoes came thousands a n d thousands of firefl i e s . I mean these little a rea was cra w l i n g with the m . We h u ng out here absorbing the night and list e ni ng to the forest. If you were rea l ly you n g a n d s e m i g u l l i b l e seeing t h is d a rk place with thousa n d s of lig hts floati ng a l l over, you'd rea lly th i n k it was hau nte d . See i n g how Dave had told h i s younger sister that if she was bad s h e'd be p u t i n the "ant box" out back, a n d s h e bel ieved h i m , I assumed Dave had been g u l lible as well as a c h i l d . Apparently at 1 0 years old the poor g i rl sti ll thought there was a b u ried box i n h e r backyard fi l led with a nts, j u st waiting for her screw u p a n d get tossed ln. •

It was now co m p l etely black i n the m iddle of nowheresv i l le , and 63

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we were heading back to the ca b i n for the Spectacula re D'boom boo m . We ca me across a larg e open glade i n the forest off the road a n d Dave killed the l ig hts a n d p u l le d the car over. "Now g ive it a good five m i nutes o r so a n d be q u iet." We d i d a n d Dave fired u p the porta ble spotl ight a n d swung it a ro u n d q u ickly out the window of the ca r. At least a dozen deer were now caught i n what I'm s u re they thought were a set of h e a d l i g hts. 24 glowing eyes peered back at the car from the g lade, froze n , stuck i n their track s . I fo u n d this incredibly a m u s i n g , and conti n u e to fire the d a m n t h i n g out the w i n dows the entire ride back to the ca b i n . I s h ot it at house , other cars, across the lake everywhere. I was then a n d I sti l l a m co m pletely a m azed by some of the d u m best s h it you ca n bel ieve. Computers barely hold my atte ntion, but a n ice piece of string o r some bubble wrap a nd I'm good for h o u rs by myse lf. And so the l i g h t kept me busy w h i l e we careened thro u g h the i n ky blackness of the two l a n e roa d . Once back at the cabin Dave i m med iately went to work preparing h is show of explosive force. Th is was "shock and awe" before there was a "shock a n d awe", or so h e thought. Th is night was going so well I decided to b reak precede n t; I was going to d ri n k . U p u ntil a bout this point I never d ra n k, I was a p retty stra i g h t edge kind of g uy. But here I was i n the m iddle of heaven, months away from t u r n i n g 18 a n d j ust rela x i n g . I wanted to d ri n k . K i n d a . I d ra n k some wine coolers, a n d watched the fireworks g o off. Dave d i d not d i sa ppoint us at a l l . H e put o n a ki lle r show a n d even brought out a bottle of rum h e found in the ca b i n . Th e re we sat watching everyone else light off the i r fireworks a ro u n d the lake a n d got ripped . For a non-dri n ke r w i n e coolers and ru m and cokes torn m e u p butt good . For w h atever reason I agreed with Dave that it w o u ld be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets at each other, t h i s was the second time in my life I had done this. The first time I was 1 2 a n d left sca r tissue on a fri e n d of m i nes chest. We soon g rew t i red of l a u n ch i n g explos ives at one a nother; I took my leave from the action a n d sprawled out on the grass. I lay there, d r u n k , tired a n d starting to feel a bit d e p ressed . Lo there ! I s pot the Gal loway g e n e on the rise! Th is was the exact reason I d i d not d ri n k, depression runs i n my fa m i ly, as does a n y n u m be r of act u a l add ictions. This wo u l d be ro u nd one of what would later become ma ny, many ro u nds of d r u n ke n Matt being rid iculous. And to a l l of you who've poured m e into my door after a night of mopping m e u p off the floor, I a m fo rever i n you r d e bt. Lyi n g there i n the g rass b e hi nd the ca b i n I got the idea to w a l k down to the lake. O n the dock I sat and ra n my h a n d thro u g h the water as my C h risty rubbed my s h o u ld e rs . Ch risty was no rookie to d e pression and I th i n k she spotted me cra s h i n g down from a m i le away. I asked her how cool it would be to live l i ke a fi s h , n o worries e h ? M a n I thought I had worries then ! ? Fe h . 64

Midgets, Firearms and Underage Drinking! by Matt Galloway

Ch risty picked m e u p a n d d e posited m e i nto o u r room, m a k i n g s u re I was cool, t h e n returned to the ca m pfire Dave had bu i lt. That was the e n d the n ig h t for m e . The next morning cracked hard o n me l i ke a metal pipe. I moved slow and felt arou n d , fo u n d my clothes and got dresse d . I made my way into the living/ d i n i n g a rea of t h e ca b i n and saw Dave sacked out o n the co uch . Ch risty informed m e ri ght u p u ntil the end of the eve n i n g h e h eld out hope that Heather would i nvite h i m into the bedroom, but that w o u l d n 't happen. Not that n ig ht. Not a ny n ig ht. I asked them a l l to keep my activities of the last n ig h t to t h e mselves, this was a bout as realistic a request as a s k i n g t h e m bring m e the moon on a s i lver platter. Of co u rse within a week everyo n e I knew asked m e if I sti l l wanted to be a fis h . To this very day when I've had a few too m a ny rum and cokes, I still look at a q u a ri u m s with a q u izzical lon ging stare.

65

Wo u l d yo u l oo k at that? It's a . . .

•

I

00

A n d th i s o n e i s j ust fo r YO U . Yep, t h a t's r i g ht - yo u a n d yo u O N LY. A l l t h e oth e r books d o n 't have i t . Do n 't bel i eve me? B u y a n ot h e r copy a n d check fo r yo u rself ( of cou rse, w h e n yo u b u y i t, i t' l l be yo u rs too . . . So i t' l l h ave i t ) .

The End Of The Rainbow

The En d Of The Ra i n bow

"Look, I'm telling you," he i n si sted, j u st as he d i d every time he wanted m e to buy w h at it was h e was s e l l i n g . "This house ... It's a n easy sale. It's o n e of my prime leads. You'll walk i n t h e re and sell it i n u n d e r a n h o u r." I was n 't nearly as certa i n as h e was. "Charlie . . ." "You're read y ! " He countered before I could eve n say it. "Yo u 've a l ready done one d e m o with me, a n d you d i d a l right!" " B u t I d i d n 't DO a n ything i n that demo," I said, fla i l i n g my hands and h uffi n g . "You d i d the whole t h i n g - " " Look," H e s a i d , turning i n t h e d rive r's seat of h is parked Buick Skylark to face m e . "There comes a t i m e when you g otta leave the nest, Joe." The words s l i d out of h i s mouth, l u bricated with the refi ned oils of a seasoned sa les m a n . "You have to be a m a n . " Being a m a n was somet h i n g that my cousin C h a rlie constantly h a rped on m e a bout. Ever s i n ce I'd met the g uy, he'd s pent every s i n g l e moment atte m pting to mold and s h a pe m e i n h i s image. For C h a rl i e, being a m a n meant doing a LOT of thi ngs I d id n 't l i ke d o i n g . H e picked on m e w h e n I decided I wanted to play the trum pet i n the fifth g rade, i nsisti n g that real m e n don't play music, they play footba l l . H e d ragged me a l o n g to see the not-quite-pro wrest l i n g matches at the Cobb Gal leria Center every Wednesday n ig ht, where m e n named "The Pitchfork" a n d " Bobby The Butcher" m issed t h e i r cues a n d fu m b led around the ring a l l n ig ht, somet i m es hitting the mat after a devastating d ropkick that m issed by at least two feet. And i n t h is case, be i n g a m a n meant sel l i n g Ra i n bow vac u u m cleaners. "Charlie, I don't t h i n k I see w here se l l i n g a vacu u m cleaner has a n yth i n g to do with being a m a n ," I said e m phatica l ly. "Joe," h e said, s i g h i n g with d isa ppointment. H e placed h i s h a n d o n m y shou lder. " H a ve I ta u g h t you noth i n g ? It's not a bout s e l l i n g the vacu u m here, Joe. You see, it's a bout . . ." H i s eyes looked u p a n d away, pres u m a b l y tilting back into his s k u l l to fi n d what the h e l l h e was try i n g to say. "It's a bout accepting responsibility." "Acce pting respo n s i b i l ity?" I asked . "For what, exactly?" " For yourse lf, Joe," H e a n swere d . I was confused. "You mean, try i n g to s e l l someone a va c u u m clea n e r after o n l y one week of tra i n i n g a n d o n e g u ided demo is accepting res ponsibi lity for myself?" 67

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"Exactly." H e sat back, a know i n g s m i le resting on h i s face. thought for a moment. I tilted my head. I thought for anot h e r moment. "That doesn't make sense," I repl i ed. I

He ig nored me as h e shut off the ign ition and reached for the ha nd l e for the door. He yan ked it, pushed the door open a n d hopped out of the car a l l i n one practiced moti o n . I j ust sat i n my seat for a moment, sli ghtly stu n n ed . I d id n 't get it . . . But that's ofte n how it went with C h a rlie, w h ich is exactly why he was so good at selling vac u u m s (and before those, A m wa y ) . Me, however. . . I was o n l y i nto t h i s th i n g a wee k ! How cou ld I possibly k n ow a l l the t hi ngs C h a rlie knew about se l l i n g Ra i n bows to people? And how could I EVER do t h i s demo by myself? ! ? God . . . Why d i d I ever g o to that d a m n meet i n g with h i m ? O h yea h . The money. Charlie had been bragging for months a bout the money h e was m a k i n g selling the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g Syste m . Th ree h u n d red dollars a pop for show i n g people that their old vac u u m clea ners were i n effective for actua lly clea n i n g their homes . . . It sounded l i ke something I co u ld do. And besides, I 'd j ust g rad uated h i g h school a n d was tired of working for my d a d . I needed somet h i n g new a n d something d iffe rent. And w h e n Charlie took m e to the sa les meet i n g a n d I saw a l l of the people w a l k i n g u p to collect their q u ota bonus checks a n d ate a l l of that free s h ri m p a n d heard n ot h i n g but great th i ng s a bout s e l l i n g the Ra i n bow d ream to people, I figured, if it's rea l ly as easy as everyone says it is, why not? With a heavy s i g h , I fo llowed h i s lead a n d ho pped out of his car, heading to the rear of the vehicle after sla m m i n g my door s h ut. "So, u h ... What d o I say w h e n I get to the door?" I asked, coming to terms with my fate as he u n locked a n d l ifted the lid of the tru n k. " We l l , w h at were you tra i ned to say?" H e a s ked, reac h i n g for a large cardboard box. " U h . . ." I sta m m ered, t h i n k i n g back to the tra i n i n g . He l ifted the demo u n it out of the tru n k with a g ru n t and placed it at my feet. Looking u p at me, h e beg a n coaching m e . "Greeti ngs, s i r a n d/or mada m ..." "Greetings, sir a nd/or mada m ," I pa rroted flatly, "I'm Joe a n d I'm with Ra i n bow Vacu u m s a n d I a m sched u led to do a clea n i n g demonstration at this res idence." He na rrowed h i s eyes a n d gave m e a d isa pprov i n g loo k. "Ts k, Joe," H e said, a g a i n placing h i s h a n d o n my shoulder. "You won't even make it t h rough the front door with THAT level of enthusiasm . . . O r lack thereof! ! ! " He s m iled, a pprov i n g of h is own little 'gotch a ' there at the end.

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The End Of The Rainbow

g roaned. " O kay, okay . I have to be exu berant," I said a lo u d , reg istering a mental note. " Speak clearly a n d d istinctly. U s e s m a l l words. Exude confidence. Be a w i n ner." I

. .

Charlie fi n is h ed p i l i n g a l l of t h e tools and accessories for the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g System in fro n t of m e , a n d then turned a n d s h ut h i s tru n k . "Okay, I'll be back to get you in a bout two h o u rs-" "Whoa, whoa, WAIT!" I d e m a n d e d . "You're leav i ng??" "Well, yea h ," h e responded with a look that clearly i n d icated that t h i s was not s u pposed to be new information to m e . "This is your solo dem o." " We l l , yea h , but

I

t h o u g ht-"

"See, t h i s is what we get for t h i n k i n g w h e n we should be liste n i n g ! " he noted . "I told you you 'd be going t h i s one a lone." "We l l , yea h , but ca r or something . . . "

I

fig u red you'd . . . You k n ow . . . At least wait i n the

" Now, why would I d o that?" H e a s ke d . I d o n 't know," I sta m m e red, lea n i n g aga inst the g iga ntic pile of cardboard boxes in front of m e . " I n case somet h i n g goes wrong or something . . . " "1. . .

"Now Joe," he said, "What could possibly g o w rong?" I started to answer, but he cut m e off. " N oth i n g 's going to hap p e n . Yo u 're going to do fi n e . Yo u're going to go in there a n d sell this vac u u m , a n d I'm going to head down to the office a n d go over some fi g u res with Bossman Dick." " B ut-" "I'll be back i n two h o u rs to get you," H e said, opening the drive r's side door to h i s B u i c k . "If you fi n is h u p ea rly, j u st page me. You have my pager n u m ber, rig h t? " "Yeah, but-" "Great!" h e said, s l i d i n g h i s body into the d river's seat. "Go get e m ! " And with that, he s l a m m e d the door s h ut, cranked h is car, a n d began backing o u t of the d riveway of one of h i s " p rime leads." Without so m uch as a wave, h e put the ca r into "d rive" a n d took off. I sighed, sta ring down at the seven cardboard boxes w h i ch held all of the compone nts, tools a n d accessories that one needs to m a i n ta i n a clea n , hea lthy home the Ra i n bow way. With a g ru nt, I picked u p the largest of t h e boxes a n d began l u g g i n g it to the front door of the house. It took five trips to l u g a l l of t h e boxes u p the driveway to the porch, each one causing the n e rves in the pit of my stomach to get just a bit more u nsettled. As I leaned the ta l l , flat box h o u s i n g the Power Nozzle for the u n i t aga i nst the oth e r boxes, I took 69

Mentally Incontinent

a deep breath, brushed my s h i rt fiat aga inst my body, a n d w i ped away the beads of sweat that had formed on my brow. "Okay," I sa i d i n a whisper to myse lf, "You ca n do this. It's t h re e h u n d red d o l l a rs a n d that 'First Timer' award at the next sales meeting if you sell, and rid icule from Charlie if you d o n 't . . . So just suck it u p . Th i n k positive. Exude confidence , use s m a l l words . . . A l l that crap." I took a deep breath, bit my l i p, shook the nerves out of my h a nds, a n d ra n g the doorbe l l . No more t h a n o n e seco n d passed before the front door swung open a n d an extre m e ly h eavy-set m a n with no s h i rt a n d a t h ick moustache a n s wered the door. "Hello ! " he sa i d with a j o l l y bellow. " U h . . ." I some how m a naged to mutter, a bit ta ken a back by the bright wh ite s k i n a n d i n cre d i bly h a i ry chest a n d belly of the m a n sta n d i n g before m e . "Er. . . G reetings, s i r, I'm Joe, a n d I'm with-" "You're w ith Ra i n bow Vac u u m s ! " He i n terjected . "And you 're sched uled to d o a clea n in g at this house! Come i n , co me i n ! " He backed u p a few steps a n d stood aside, u s h e ri n g me i n s i d e . "Ah , you've heard t h e g reeti n g before," I noted as I l ifted the largest of the d e m o boxes and stepped i n to the house. "Yea h," h e a n s wered with a ch uckle, "Th i s isn't o u r fi rst demo. You can set u p i n the living room, ri ght t h ro u g h here." He pointed to a room j u st past a la rge sta i rcase on o u r rig h t . "Th a n k you, s i r," I said, return i n g to w h at little of the script I had memorized . "I'm going to have to step out a n d get the re m a i n d e r of my boxes . . . Is it okay for m e to e nter a n d exit o n my own?" "Yeah, yea h , that's no p roblem," he s a i d . "I have to go get my wife a nyway, so fee l free to come i n a n d out as you please." "Th a n k you, s i r," I a nswered, and began the task of setting u p the Ra in bow Home C l e a n i n g Syste m . I had no clue what I was d o i n g . As I opened each box, I stared at the pieces as if each o n e was a n elaborate card trick a n d I was a Labrado r - N OTH ING looked fa m i l i a r to m e i n the slig htest. The thought kept ringing thro u g h my m i n d that I'd put this stupid thing together i n my tra i n i ng sessions, a n d if I cou ld d o it once, I cou ld certa i n l y d o it a g a i n . . . But my n erves s i m ply wou ld n 't a l low the proper d i a g ra m s to form i n my head. So I fu m b led with each piece, eventua l ly fi g u ring out e n o u g h to get the base u n it set u p. About that t i m e , the husband a n d wife a rrived to the l iv i n g roo m . "You about ready for us?" the h usband a s ke d . "Yep, j ust a bout, s i r," I res ponded, looking u p to d iscover two th i n g s : 1 ) He was still s h i rtless, a n d 2 ) It sti ll u nsettled m e . In a n effort to s i m u lta n eously d istract myself a n d be polite, I looked over to 70

The End Of The Rainbow

his wife to nod a n d g reet her, o n ly to fi n d that she was wea ring what was either a rea l ly co lorfu l n i g htgown or a repurposed parachute. In either case, it was a n extre m e ly larg e g a rment, b u i l t specifica lly to cover a very large woma n . Which s h e was. Th is was q u ite possibly the largest pair of h u m a n beings I have ever Ia id eyes o n . The couple took a seat on a co uch facing the open a rea w h e re I stood with my somewhat-co m pleted Ra i n bow vacu u m u n it. I set u p the c u e cards, cleared my throat, and began what I h o ped would be a very s u ccessful sa les pitch . " S i r and m a d a m , I would l i ke to introduce to you the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g System," I beg a n . They s m iled and listened as I began my opening speech on clea n l i ness and health. It was weird . . . Everything I said, they agreed with a u d i bly, m u c h l i ke the congregation in a sou lfu l ch u rc h . I'd talk a bout deep down d i rt, a n d they'd b l u rt out " M m h m m ! " o r "Ye s ! " They answered my q u estions a bout their preference o n a clean home exactly the way a nyone would, except that their a nswers were INCREDIBLY enth usiastic. I showed them the charts on how m u ch the A m e rica n fa m i ly spends on a i r filters fo r their central heati ng a n d a i r condition i n g , how m u ch money is wasted on bags for their vacu u m clea ner, how m u ch hea lthca re costs for respiratory-related i l l nesses ca n be . . . A l l the things I'd learned i n my tra i n i n g . And after each poi nt, they agreed en1phatically. Th is was going really well, I g uess! Wel l , u n til she stopped me, a n yway. "To be honest, Joe," the w i fe interru pted d u ri n g my expla nation of how long cloth i n g ca n actua lly last with less d u st i n the a i r, "We've heard a lot of t h is stuff before." " U h . . . We l l , u m . . ." I stuttered. "What my wife was trying to say," the h us ba n d interjected, "Is that we've heard a lot of these argu ments, and were hoping you could demonstrate some of the fi n e r points of the actu a l u n it for us." Aha ! So it comes out! The real reason Charlie d i d n 't want to take t h is lead . . . This was a cle a n i n g ca l l ! They warned me about these sorts of demon strations d u ring my tra i n i n g . There are people out there who w i l l schedule i n -home d e mos of the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g System a n d , d u ring the demo, attempt to conv i nce you to go from room to room, dee p-clea n i n g each a re a . It was a free maid service, accord i n g to Boss m a n Dick (the owner of o u r particular Ra i n bow Vac u u m s fra nc h i s e ) , a n d I was to beware this sort of peo ple, for they would certa i n l y take advantage of me with out remorse. The p roblem is, n e ither the Bossman nor Charlie never told me how to get out of this s ituation . So I had to wing it . " U h . . . I'm not 71

Mentally Incontinent

going to . . . Like, you know . . . " "What?" S h e aske d . "Clean y o u r house for you,"

I

rep l ied

The couple laughed. " O h , nono no," The wife a n swered , waving her h a n d s . " I'm not try i n g to get you to do that. We're j u st excited to get to the demo nstratio n ! " "Especially the comparison between o u r vacu u m a n d the Ra i n bo w ! " the h u sband added. " U h . . . O kay," I answered. "Well, okay then, I g uess I ca n s k i p ahead a bit a n d s h ow you the Ra i n bow. . ." "Great!" The husband a n swered, then sat back a n d folded his arms over h i s bare chest. I b l i n ked for a mome nt, not rea l l y s u re if I was actua lly even awake. These people were a little stra nge, a n d interacting with them was a little bit l i ke the Apes interacting with Cha rlton Heston . . . Every interaction had t h i s t i n y degree of discon n ect. But, if it meant selling a Ra i n bow a n d gett i n g a check . . . cleared my t h roat a n d proceeded to deta il the fi n e r poi nts of the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g Syste m . Now, have you, dea r reader, ever seen a Ra i n bow? We ll, if not, let m e te l l you a little a bout it. It's not rea lly a vacu u m clea n e r, it's a com p lete domestic clea n i n g syste m . It doesn't have a bag, so it never loses power, because there are n o pores i n the bag to get clogged as d u st-fi l led a i r passes t h rough it. Instead, it has a water fi l led reservoir that stirs l i ke a w h i rl pool, tra p p i n g a l l of t h e d i rt a n d g ri m e i n the ca rpet a n d i n the a i r. This means you n ever lose a i rflow, which means you never lose sucti o n . It's kinda l i ke a Dyson vacu u m , but with water. . . And a bout 2 0 years earlier. And the best part is that you j u st e m pty the water and d i rt outside, never having to replace a nother bag ! I

Now, d i d that . . . Like, a rouse you i n any way whatsoever? No no, I meant more than just you r s i m ple cu riosity. I meant . . . You know . . . Sex u a l ly. No? Wel l . . . I g u ess vac u u m s d o n 't do it for you . But apparently, the Ra in bow d i d the trick this particular couple, beca use a s the demo went on, they got increasingly Ievey-dovey with one anot h e r, caress i n g each other's backs a n d legs and such a n d the l ike. But I d i d n 't wa nt to j u d g e . It seemed a bit overly affectionate for genera l a u d i e nces to me, but then again, different co u p les are comforta ble d isplaying diffe rent levels of affection i n front of people. So, I s i m ply accepted that t h is was j u st a n extremely lov i n g cou p le who s h a red their a p preciation for one a n other q u ite openly. However, I was getting a l ittle bit n a useous watc h i n g these two take breaks from 72

The End Of The Rainbow

pay i n g attention to m e to tong u e kiss. Fo rtu nately, I had reached the po int i n my demonstration w h e re I put the Ra i n bow u p a g a i nst their cu rrent vac u u m clea n e r. . . The pe rfect opport u n ity to break them up. "Excuse me, ma'a m a n d s i r," I s a i d , i nterrupting their kiss i n g . "Yes, Joe?" The wife said i n some sort of s u ltry voice. " U h ... Do you have, cu rre n tly, a vacu um clea n e r that you ... U h ... cu rrently use? In your home, here? Cu rrently?" "Why, I s u re do," S h e said with a g i g g l e . " We l l , u h . . . I really hate to interrupt you," I said shee pish ly. " O h , not at a l l ," She re plied . "Would you l i ke m e to go and get it for yo u?" " U h . . . Yes, ma'am," I a nswered . She s m i led a n d p u s hed h e rself u p off of the couch with a bit of a stra i n . As s h e traipsed u p the stairs, the h usband a d m itted that this was their favorite part of the last demo. "Oh ?" I aske d . " O h , yes," H e answered. "We j u s t love seeing w h a t comes out." H e s m i led brightly u pon saying that. " U h . . . Yea h ," I a g reed, "It really is stri k i n g to see how m uch st uff your va c u u m leaves be h i n d , i s n 't it?" He j ust s m i led i n reply. beg a n reiterating some of the points I'd made in my earlier ca l lout session, pointing out the height adj ustment feature of the power nozzle a n d expla i n i ng how, if they chose, they could add aromatic oils to the water c h a m be r when they cleaned the house to inject a fre s h , lively smells i nto the a i r. All the w h i le , I cou l d n 't h e l p th i n ki n g to myself that it was ta king a n awfu lly long time to fetch a d a m n vac u u m cleaner. I

I'd j u st a bout sta rted on my t h i rd time t h rough pointing out a l l of the fi n e r features of the Ra i n bow w h e n the wife returned with the co u ple's vac u u m cleaner. And I was a ppreciative . . . I real ly, rea lly was . It was rea l l y nice of h e r to g o a n d get the vac u u m I was atte m pt i n g to replace so that I could prove just how m u c h this couple needed the Ra in bow Home C l e a n i n g Syste m . I j ust wish that she'd have done it without cha n g i n g into a red, plus-sized, fur-t ri m m e d b u stier that looked l i ke it came from the Fredrick's of R u ra l Iowa cata log u e . I was s i m u ltaneously fla b bergasted a n d d isgusted. I co u l d n 't fi nd the words to express j u s t how frightened I truly was by a l l of this. She took her seat next to her h usband and the two of them s m i led bright, loving s m i les as I stood there , i m m o b i l ized by the i m m ed iate sensation of my s k i n cra w l i ng off of my body a nd scurry i n g across the 73

Mentally Incontinent

room a n d out the door. It's n o stretch at a l l to say that t h is situation real ly, rea l ly s u cked. Yes, it was a p u n , and no, I'm not so rry. I took a deep breath a n d d i d the o n ly t h i n g I rea lly knew to do I co n t i n u ed on with the demo. I fu m bled t h ro u g h one of the cardboard boxes I'd b rought i n to the room, looking for a s m a l l vial of soil used for this particular demonstration. I took my time as I searched, not wanting to act u a l ly fi n d it and return my eyes to the extre m e ly pale a n d overly large beasts lashing one a noth e r with their ton g u es on the couch across from m e . But I knew I cou l d n 't hide i n t h i s tiny little box forever. So, I g ra b bed the via l a n d conti n u e d o n . -

I d u m p a little bit of the soil o n the ca rpet j ust i n fro n t of m e . I then try to clean the soil with their vacu u m . The a rea looked clea n . But of cou rse, looks ca n be deceivi ng . . . As I proved with the Ra i n bow Hon1e Clea n i ng Syste m . I ran over the spot that I had j u st clea n ed with the Ra i n bow's patented h e ig ht-adj usta ble power nozzle, turned a ro u n d , a n d switched off the u n it. I lifted the top of the can ister off of the water basin a n d hoisted the conta iner fi lled with l i q u id a n d re m n a nts from the soil that t h e i r vacu u m left be h i n d . "See w h at has come out with the Ra i n bow?" I said, per my script. And as I looked u p at the couple to view their astonish ment at this a m azing demo nstration, I fo u n d myself the receiver of a fa i r bit of asto n is h m e n t . It seems that the soil wasn't the o n ly thing that had come out d u ri n g the test . . . The wife was sitting on the couch with h e r hand fi rmly wrapped a ro u n d her h u s ba n d 's pe n is . I j ust stood there, holding the contents of t h e i r carpet as she held the content of his shorts. As a bs u rd as everyth ing u p u n t i l this po int had been, this definitely t h rew things into a speed that I sim ply was not a ble to travel. I looked at t h e i r faces; they were both s m i l i n g wide. I looked again at the soil-m uddied water basin of the Ra i n bow, then at the brown ca n ister top of the Ra i n bow laying on it's side next to the rol l i n g base, and then at a l l of the cardboard boxes that the Ra i n bow ca m e i n . I then looked back u p to ensure that I actua lly saw what I thought I saw. I'm p retty s u re that I'm the first person in h istory to actua l ly physica lly experience a mental B l u e Screen of Deat h . "So, hey. . . How a bo u t a Menage A Trois?" The wife aw kwardly blurted out. Control, Alt, Delete. After a few seconds of p u re black, my m i n d rebooted and I i m m ed iately began the process of getting the h e l l out of there . Without a word, I placed the water basin on the base, replaced the can ister on the water b a s i n , locked the u n it dow n , and lifted it into it's cardboard 74

The End Of The Rainbow

box. I then proceeded to put everything away i n the boxes they ca me in, a l l the w h i le liste n i n g to the caj o l i n g a n d persuasion from the extre m e ly larg e and oh -so messed u p cou ple sitting there wearing WAY too l ittle to cover their massive bodies. I n a l l , it took a bout ten m i n utes . Te n agonizing, horri ble, awful m i n utes. Uti lizing the permission I'd earlier received to come a n d go as I pleased, I bala nced a l l of the boxes I could o n top of one a nother and pushed them across the carpet to the front door a m idst their pleas to stay, letting myself out a n d s la m m i n g the door behi nd me. The second it closed, I stared out i nto a n e m pty driveway, rea l izing that C h a rl ie had brought m e h e re . . . And more i m portantly, he wasn't here to get me. And I w a s n 't a bout to go back i n there a n d use their phone. So, I went out to the edge of the road, l u g g i n g the Ra i n bow Home Clea n i n g System behind me, and waited a n h o u r o r so for C h a rl i e to a rrive. W h ich h e d i d . . . Wearing the biggest g ri n on his face I'd ever seen h i m wear. "So, how'd it go?" He said, exiting the car a n d popping the tru n k ope n . " M a ke a sale?" " I d o n 't want to ta l k a bout it," I responded, tossing the boxes i n the tru n k without reg a rd to how they fit or if the contents inside would s u rv1ve. •

" O h , come o n now . . . It cou l d n 't have been THAT bad," h e stated, still s m i l i n g . " I said I don't want to ta l k a bout it ! " I barke d . "Fine, fine," he said with a c h u c kl e as we both got into h is car. We d rove back to the office and u n l oaded the Ra i n bow. Once fi n ished, I went into Boss m a n Dick's office to give h i m the status of my demo. " I d i d n 't sell," I said, plopping my demo book on his desk and turn i n g a ro u n d to leave . "You d i d n 't s e l l ? " He said with a chuckle. "We l l , that's a l right . . . Did you at least get a l ittle three-way action?" I froze . "Excuse me?" I said, w h i p p i n g a rou n d . C h a rl i e came a ro u n d the corner then a n d beg an l a u g h i n g u n contro l l a bly. "What the h e l l ? ! ? C h a rlie??" I sna pped. "Wait - You k n ew a bout those people? ! ?" Charlie a n d Dick co u l d n 't stop l a u g h i n g . ''Ye a h ," C h a rl i e 75

Mentally Incontinent

confirmed t h ro u g h his g u ffa w i n g . "They're a couple of fre a ks that get off on that sort of thing . . . We send a l l o u r new g u ys there !" I stood s i l ent. " O h , come on, Joe," Charlie s a i d . " Everyone goes thro u g h it . . . Even I h a d to d e m o to them my first week. It's a great way to start out." I

cou l d n 't reply.

"Th i n k a bout it this way, k i d ," Bossman Dick inte rjected . "You w o n 't ever have another d e m o as to u g h as that o n e . From this point forward, they're a l l going to be a piece of cake ! " "Ta ke m e home," I dema nded of C h a rl ie , my eyes wide a n d fixed furiously on h i s . " O h , come on now, l i g hten up, kiddo," Dick s a i d . " Look - We'll set you u p with a good lead for your next dem o-" "Charlie . . " .

I

said t h rough cl inched teeth, "TA K E . M E . HOM E."

Charlie sta m mered. " But . . . D o n 't you want to hear a bout the next g reat opportun ity that The Boss m a n has set u p for yo u ? It's a g u a ranteed sale, Joe ! You 'd be a fool not to-" "TA K E M E H O M E ! " I screa m e d . Boss m a n Dick sighed, t h e n added " O kay, okay . . . Yo u're pretty stea med a bout o u r method of brea king you i n , and I can u n d e rsta n d that-" "Stea med?" I g rowled. "Steamed doesn't even come CLOSE to express i n g how mad I a m a bout t h i s ! " " Now, now," He said i n a h ushed to ne, lowering h i s h a n d s i n a n effort to tell me to calm dow n . " I have a n idea o n how to m a ke this right for you." "And what is that?" I asked. "We l l , how a bout I g ive you a fu l l co m m ission o n this one? W i l l that m a ke things better?" We l l now. That got my atte ntio n . Yea h , I was pissed, but I wasn't a bout to turn down three h u n d red bucks . . . Not after what I'd j u st gone t h rou g h . "Yea h , okay, I'll take it," I re plied . "That's the s pirit !" h e re p l ied, p u l l i n g out the com pa ny's checkbook. He penned a few fig u res o n the check and ha nded it over to m e with a bright s m i l e . "The first of ma ny, rig h t ! " he said excitedly. looked at the check . . . I h a d n 't expected to see what I was loo king at, but I'll te l l you - it made everyt h i n g better. I sm iled brightly. "Yea h , this is g reat!" I re plied . I

76

The End Of The Rainbow

"There you g o ! " h e said, slapping the desk. "Glad there's no h a rd fee l i n g s ! " " N a h , none at a l l ," I a n swered . And there were n 't. Three h u n d red dollars was j ust enough money to afford my forg iveness for p u rposely scarring my psyche for etern ity, causing m e to sh utter at the mere thought of a fur- lined red bustier. . . But it defin itely wasn't eno ugh to convince m e to eve r EVER sell a nother d a m n vacu u m a g a i n . -

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WIN N E R

Ta l k About Blowi ng An Opportu n ity . . . Other Stories

# of Votes 40°/o (52) # of Votes

It Feels Just Like It Sounds

24% ( 3 1 )

I Put The Punk I n Punk Rock

22% (29)

Just A Spoonful Of Sugar (and Motor Oil) . . .

8%

(10)

Her Intentions Were Good . . . Not That I t Matters

6%

(8)

(Or Anti-Matters)

My comments: I w rote this story as a "Website O n ly" sto ry, intended to be posted only to the site a n d never printed in the boo k . We l l , as you can see, it kinda . . . you know . . . Is. Printed h e re, I m e a n . I n the boo k . And stuff. After I posted it on the site, there was a n i nsta nt d e m a n d that it be considered for voting, so it was, a n d voi l a . You 're a bout to read it. As far as the story itself goes - yes . Th is ha ppened. And yes, it was a very u nfortunate way to spend my fi rst sexual encou nter. And yes, I have been contacted a nd ye lled at by the other pa rty i n t h i s story. But Kasey, I t h i n k we can now look back on this event and s h a re a hearty laugh . . . I m ea n , everyone else a l ready has. Should n 't we?

Reader comments : "You may fi nd this a little bit stra n g e , but I have had a s i m u l a r experi­ ence to t h i s story - I once got free coffee at a Waffle House, too."

-Dunfire " Reading this ma kes m e feel a l ittle better a bout myse lf, for some rea­ son . Th a n ks for fix i n g me, Joe."

-Gadreel (from http:/ /www.eel .nu)

Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

Ta l k About B l ow i n g An Opportun ity . . .

"Look, I know . . . YES, I was with Kasey . . . Okay, YES, I know that NOW. . . Look, stop g iv i n g me s h it a n d get over here, a l right? I'll explain it a l l when you get h e re ! Yea h , the Circle K over... yea h , that one. Ya h ... H u rry up, Okay?" And with that, I slammed the rece ive r of the payphone so hard into its cradle that the entire booth s h u d d e red a n d rocked . There I stood i n the parking lot of the Circle K at the most po p u l a r spot i n o u r tow n , the Mount Z ion s q u a re . My jeans were soaked from my i m promptu shower I had to take with the hose by the a i r p u m p , a n d even with my letter ja cket o n , the fifteen degree w i n d c h i l l was ca u s i n g m y blood to coa g u late i n m y veins. Fortu nately, M i ke lived o n ly ten m i n u tes away. Forty-five frozen m i n utes later, h e fi na lly p u l led u p i n his black '82 Camara, the band Helmet blazing from the slig htly open w i n dows, brakes scree c h in g the ca r to a h a lt. With my teeth clinched a n d my bones c h i l led, I plopped myself into the cracked a n d spl itting vinyl passenger seat and slam med the door. "W-w-what the f-f-fuck TOOK you s-s-so LONG?" " I went to the wrong Circle K," M i ke re p l ied . "T-t-the WRONG O N E? ! ?" I excla i m e d . "How c-c-could you . . . You even SAI D the Mount Zion one before you h u ng u p ! " "Yea h . . ." "You said, 'The M o u n t Zion one?' I said 'Ye a h , that o n e .' " "Yeah, I know." I j ust shook my head. "Whatever. J-j-just d rive." "We l l , wh ere do you want to go?" " H o m e . I want to g-g -get out of these wet clothes." He screeched h i s ti res - not in a bid to show off, but because he still h a d n 't fig u red out how to use a q u ick-sh ifter a n d a l ways laid ru bber i n first gear ( a n d i n reverse . . . ) - a n d we made our way at 9 0 m i les a n h o u r to my house. "Can we r-r-roll u p these w i ndows?" I pleaded. He looked at me q u izzical ly, as a dog does w h e n one sw itches a ba l l from one h a n d to the other. "What, you cold?" 79

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"YES, I'm C-C-CO LD! It's three o'clock i n the morn i n g , I'm soaked, a n d it's l i ke 20 d-d-degrees out there !" " Ba h ," h e replied as h e cranked h i s w i ndow s h ut. "You sout hern guys a re a l l p u ssies." We rode i n as m u ch sil ence as o n ce ca n w h e n Page H a m i lton is screec h i n g over a n a m pe d - u p speaker system a bout someone n a med ' I ronhead' as we rocketed down the leafless, tree- l i ned streets that adorned the roadways to m y parents' house. After o n ly a few m i n utes of riding a long with the heat o n , M i ke was d renched i n sweat a n d cra n ked the wind ows open once a g a i n . Appare ntly, i n Detroit, a fifteen degree w i n d c h i l l is "shorts and a v-neck" weather. However, I was too lost i n the swirling thoug hts of the eve n i n g that had tra n s p ired to verba lly accost h im a n d get h i m to ro ll the d a m n thing back u p, so I s i lently cu rled u p i nto a h u ddled mass a n d s h ivered away. Ta k i n g a swig from h i s bottle of blue N e h i a n d placing it back in the c u p holder, h e tu rned to m e a n d asked, "Okay, so what the h e l l ha ppened?" I can't explain it, m a n . This w h o le n ig h t has been j ust fucked . . . A l l of it. All the way u p." "1.

. .

"We l l , start by a nswering th i s : Kasey Cline? What the FUCK, man?" I

had n o words to a n swer h im with .

" D ud e , that g i rl is OUT THERE. When d i d you . . . I mean, WHY o n EARTH wou ld you ... " H e beat o n the steering wheel a few times as he screa med, "JESUS FUCKING C H RIST! KASEY!" "Yea h , I know." "You'd t h i n k you would have lea rned with A m a n d a . . . " H e cont i n u e d . "Yeah, I know," I accepted once a g a i n . H e shook h i s head as he pulled i nto o u r fa m i l y's d riveway. H e s l a m med the q u ick-s h ifter a few times, p u tting it i n reverse a n d slowly drifting backwards before fi nally placing the veh icle i n park. "So, you want me to wait here, or come i nside?" " D ud e , I'm going to bed. We ca n ta l k a bout this tomorrow." "NO ... N O N O N O N O ! You a re changing clothes, then we are going to the Waffle House a n d you a re going to tell m e everyt h i n g ." cou l d n 't th i n k of m uch else that co uld have possibly been worse than expla i n i n g t h is part i c u l a r n i g ht's events to h i m that eve n i n g . "Aww, m a n . . . Not tonight. I j ust want to get some sleep." I

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Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

"You ca n sleep late r. I gotta know what ha ppened." I knew that there w o u ld be n o rest u ntil M i ke had heard the entire story, so I reluctantly a g reed to go i n , cha nge as fast a s I could a n d hop back in the ca r - wh ich I d i d . We made o u r d e partu re after M i ke fi n a lly fo u n d reverse on h is vehicle, a n d with a very loud screech, h e left o u r neig h borhood a n d headed to our reg u l a r h a n gout. For some reason, whe never we had ta l ki n g to do, it had to be done at the Waffle House. S u re , we co u ld ta l k i n my room or go back to h i s house, but somet h i n g a bout a bottom less c u p of coffee a n d Waylon J e n n i n g s on the j u kebox at the Waffle House ma kes every s i n g l e story to ld i nside it that m u c h better. We e n tered and m a d e o u r way to our reg u la r table at the back of the resta u rant, and Cin dy, who had worked the ove rnight s h ift there every s i n g l e n i g h t for seven years, b rought over two c u ps a n d a fresh pot of coffee. "Howdy boys! How y 'a l l d o i n ' tonight?" " Ba h . . I've been better, Cindy." M i ke chuckled. "Ye a h , you may want to p u l l u p a chair. Joe's got a good story ton ight!" "Well," she sa id between the smacks of chewing her g u m , "I'm s u re I'll end u p hearin' it a whole bunch in the near future, sweetie. So, you eati n ' to n i ght?" M i ke a nswered for u s . "Nah, j u st the coffee, th a n ks." I nodded in agreement, and Cindy s m i led h e r tra d e mark yellow s m i l e a n d m a d e h e r way back to the counter w h e re she was flirting with one of the many truckers that stop i n eve ry eve n i n g . M i ke waited u ntil s h e was a sufficient d istance away, then , with a h u ge s m i r k on h i s face, t u rned to me and demanded, "Okay, s p i l l it, Peacock." I sighed. "Okay, fi ne. What d o you want to hear?" "The w h o le th i n g , m a n ! I d i d n 't even know you were dating Kasey! What the COME O N , m a n ! Why d id n 't you tell m e ? " 0

0

0

I ripped the top off of a tiny conta i n e r of cre a m e r a n d d e posited the contents into my coffee cup. " Beca use every time I ta l k to you a bo ut a g i rl, you say 'what the fuck' at least 2 0 times a day for a solid month, a n d I don't really need that sh it." "We l l , yea h . But COME O N ! Kasey i s really whacked out ! " " S u re, YOU know that. You know everyth i n g a bout everyone i n o u r school ! " The i n ky da rkness of the coffee began to s w i rl w h ite as the cre a m e r rose from the bottom of the c u p i n a vol u m i nous cloud . "You could have warned m e a bout h e r, you know." 81

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"You d i d n 't TELL me you were dating h e r ! " h e said, taking a s i p of h is coffee a n d q u ickly jerking the c u p away from the extreme heat, s p i l l i ng a little on h i s sh irt and the table below. cou l d n 't h e l p but la u g h . "Nice job," I said, h a n d i n g h i m my n a p k i n . "It's coffee, M i ke . It's H OT." I

He fl i p ped m e off, a n d I resumed with the tel l i n g . "Ye a h , w e l l , st i l l . I had n o c l u e s h e was b u l i m ic." " B u l i m ic, Anorexic, psycho, schizoid, you n a m e it. You d id n 't know a l l that?" "And you d id?" "Ya h , I heard it from Melan ie, who h e a rd it from - " "Yea h, yea h , you 're so p l u gged i n . How co m e you get a l l this inform ation and I don 't?" "We l l , n o one li kes you." well,

I

I g ra bbed the s u g a r a n d pretended I d i d n 't h e a r h i m . "Yeah . . . thought I could h e l p her."

M i ke t h rew h i s head back and cackled. "Yea h , a n d that A LWAYS works for you, doesn't it ! ? ! Wh at's yo u r track record on fixing people now, l i ke zero a n d t h ree h u n d re d ? " " O h , shut u p." I replaced the s u g a r ca n ister i n t h e rack a n d stirred m y coffee ma nical ly. " I rea lly thought I co u l d h e l p her out, you know? S h e was so . . . "

"So wh at? Hot?" h e chuckled. " S h e used to be giga ntic, you know." I ta pped my spoon agai nst the coffee c u p, l i fted it to my l i ps a n d took a ca utious sip. " D a m n , I love this coffee." " D i d you hear me? She used to be-" "Yeah, I heard you. I j u st chose not to respond to you. 'Hot' isn't w h at I was going to say." " O h ? W h at, then?" pondered over the matter for a mome nt, sea rc h i n g for the words to best describe exactly w h e re I went wrong in my j u dgment of this g i r l . " I don't k n ow . . . S m a rt . Fun ny. And YES, beautifu l . S h e had so m uch . . . pote ntial, you know?" I

" H rm . . ." he moved o n . "We l l , a n yway. . . So, what d i d s h e do? Put her fi nger down her throat and barf o n yo u?" h e asked with a sm irk. I rested my cup on the ta ble. "We l l , as a matter of fact, yes, she did." He co u g hed into h is coffee c u p . " N O SHIT!" 82

Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

j ust looked at h i m i n a m a n ner that explained, without a d o u bt, that there was i ndeed n o s h it . I

"Wow . . . okay, so . . . so w h at h a p pened?" " We l l , we were i n her roo m , and - wait. No, for this, gotta start at the beg i n n i n g ."

I

rea l ly

I had been ta l k i n g with Kasey every morn i n g before school i n the art room - well, since we sta rted o n the window m u ra l project, a nyway. . . Abo u t five weeks or so. She was . . . how d o you describe it? Dynam ic? She was incre d i bly fu n ny, rather intel l igent a n d a bsolutely bea u tifu l . From what I u n d e rstood, s h e had done some modeling as well, which made her a walking paradox. Paradoxes a lways draw my interest. During the course of o u r conversations, I could detect a strong lack of se lf-co nfidence in j ust a bout everyt h i n g she s a i d . S h e constantly berated herself for the s m a l lest m istakes, taking to heart criticisms on her work that were noth ing more tha n mere s u g g estions on pa i nting tech n i q u e . Natura l ly, I fe lt it was my d uty to take on the reconst ruction of h e r self-o p i n io n as my perso n a l project. We spent a lot of time work i n g together, d u ri n g which I tried everyth i n g I could to convey both the fact that I thought s h e was sell i n g h erself short a n d that I REALLY wanted to date her. I made her la u g h , pa id her com pl i me nts, called her on her self-degradation - a nyth i n g I cou ld d o to get the message across that s h e was a person worth l i k i n g , I d i d . It seemed to work, a n d after a short w hi l e , s h e sug gested that we get together outside of o ur time s pent at school. I whole-heartedly agreed, a n d plans were made - Saturday, after the next-to-last footba l l g a m e of the season, we wou ld g o out for a night on the tow n . That e ntire week, I spent the whole of my time at school writing little notes a n d letters to d e l iver to h e r before footba l l practice. After practice, the moment I got home, I would ca l l and ta l k to h e r until the wee h o u rs of the morn i n g . Occasional ly, I would ca l l and her mother would a n swer. She w o u ld a l ways co m p l i m e n t me on my k i n d m a n n e risms a n d g ive me a l ittle boost over the letter I had written to Kasey 83

Mentally Incontinent

earlier that day. "So, you read the letters I write to h e r?" I asked . " I ca n't h e l p it. They m a ke Kasey so ha ppy! Normal ly, I'm not nosey, b u t I was too cu rio us over this mysterious g u y who had brightened her day so m uch ! You a re such a d a rl i n g , Joe ! " she re plied. "Wait, wait, wa it," M i ke i nterrupted. "Yo u 've been ta lking to Kasey C l i n e for a l most two months a n d you have n 't told me?" "We l l . . . a month a n d a wee k . But, yea h ." He shook h i s head, staring at h i s nea rly e m pty coffee cup. " M a n . . I thought we told each oth e r everyth i n g ! " .

"We do." "You d i d n 't tell me th i s ! " " We l l , I'm telling you now." He bel lowed one of h is tra d e m a rk g ru nts of a g g ravati o n , fol lowed by, " S h ut u p , ass." " I d i d n 't want to e n d u re your nonsense o n t h is one, Okay? May I please continue?" "You m i g h t as w e l l . . ." Anyway, Saturday fi n a l ly arrived, a n d a long with it came a 54 to 1 2 loss to the Griffin Bears, the worst footba l l loss i n o u r schoo l 's five year h istory. Was I d e pressed? I proba bly s h o u ld have been . . . but it's extre mely d ifficult to be d e pressed a bout a footba l l g a m e - or to t h i n k a bout a l m ost a n ything at a l l - w h e n you pull into the parking lot a n d see a gorgeous model s itti n g i n her b ra n d new Cherry Red M usta ng convertible - a n d you know that s h e 's there for YO U . It seemed l i ke every si ng l e l i g h t in the parking lot shone d i rectly on her. I stood there with my hel met in my h a n d a n d my heart o n my sleeve as s h e wa l ked across the asphalt to offer her condolences for o u r pathetic showing at the g a m e . "Hey," s h e said with a shy a n d cu rious s m i l e . "Sorry a bout you g uys losing . . . " Los ing? Los i n g what? A game? What g a m e ? What day is it? How d o I spea k?? "Yea h , b u m m e r." 84

Talk About Blowing An Opportunity dot dot dot

H e r s m i l e changed from shy to s h i n i n g . "We l l , go get showere d and I'll see you w h e n you get out ! " And so, I plodded a lo n g , my cleats scra p i n g the s i dewa l k that led into the locker roo m . The after­ g a m e "you g uys suck" speech seemed to take forever, followed by a shower that took even longer. W h e n I was fi na lly ready, I l itera l ly sprinted out of the locker room a n d out i nto the parking lot w h e re Kasey sat patiently waiting for m e . I hopped into the passenger seat of her ca r and turned to look at her. She beamed, placed h e r h a n d o n my knee, and said " Let's go get sta rted o n forgetting a bout that g a m e ! " This was, of course, j u st fi n e with m e . We proceeded to head i nto the city, w h e re we had d i n n e r at the newly con structed Fudd ruckers a n d ca ught a late s h owing of "The Rocky Horror Picture S h ow" at the o n l y rem a i n i n g d rive- i n left i n Atlanta, the old Sta rlight Theater o n I-85. D u ri n g the movie, we went from sitting i n o u r seats, to sitting really close to one a noth e r i n o u r seats, to outright cudd l i n g . It took two h o u rs to get to the po int of c u d d l i n g , a n d w h e n the movie ended, I felt l i ke shooting Ba rry Bostwick a n d Tim Cu rry for not p u l l i ng a "Lawrence of Ara b i a " a n d d rawing the movie out five h o u rs . It wasn't that late, a n d from a l l indications, n e ither of us were ready for the n ig h t to e n d . At a loss for what to do next, s h e sug gested we go back to her place. I was re m i nded of the events of a few weeks before, but be i n g around Kasey had a way of forcing a l l that crap from my m i n d . "We can relax a w hi l e ," Kasey offe red . " Besides, My mom is d y i n g to meet you ! " "You met h e r ma?" said t h e s h r i l l southern voice fly i n g i n from be h i n d me. "Aww, honey, you s h o u l d a ' taken that as yer first warn i n ' ! " Cindy said, h a lf chuckling . "More coffee, sweetie?" "Yeah, s u re." "You know you is i n trouble w h e n a g i rl wants you to meet her m o m m a ." "We l l , actu a l l y, h e r mother was q u ite nice . . . You know, at first." "At first?" M i ke ca u g ht a g l i m pse of w h e re I was hea d i n g . "What do you m ea n , 'at first'? What ha ppened?"

85

Mentally Incontinent

Not rea lly wanting to tell this story to a crowd, I looked u p at Cin dy, telepath ica l ly asking h e r to leave . I d o n 't t h i n k her m i nd was q u ite tuned i n to my freq u e n cy however. She j ust stood there , coffee pot i n one h a n d a n d a ciga rette i n the other. " W hat? I a i n 't got n u t h i n ' better to do, I m i g h t as well listen to yer story. G it to tellin' it, Sha kespeare." Well, we entered t h e gate at the e ntrance of her a p a rtment complex a n d parked outside the u n i t s h e s h a red with h e r mother - a nice two-bedroom n u m be r near the Mount Z io n a rea, n ice a n d centra l to a l l the h ustle a n d bustle that s m a l l s u b u rban towns provide. She put the top u p on her Mustang a n d turned off the e n g i n e . I had j ust opened the door and placed my right foot o n the asphalt outside when I felt h e r h a n d on my shoulder. I looked back to find her face a l most d i rectly i n front of m i n e . want to t h a n k you for a rea l l y great eve n i n g . . . Act u a l ly, for a g reat, li ke, two months!" she took a deep breath, a n d then s a i d with a w h i s pe r, "You rea l ly are a g reat g uy, Joe Peacock." "I

I ca n 't t h i n k of m uch else that a ffects m e more than h e a ri n g the object of my affection say my n a m e alou d . Shockwaves flew t h ro u g h my body, lifting me h i g h e r and h i g h e r a n d causing everyth i n g else a ro u n d us to fade from the peri phery. J u st w h e n I thought I co u l d n 't possibly become a n y more heady, s h e leaned i n a n d kissed me. The world exploded. The stars fell from the heavens a n d i l l u m i n ated the tiny ca b i n of that car. I had no idea what to th i n k . I had n't rea l ly dated much, p referri n g to stick to my u s u a l methods of s i le nt l ust and wishfu l th i n k i n g w h e n it ca me to g i rls. I h a d n 't rea l ly had a ' g i rlfriend' at that point aside from a few phone-based a n d i n credibly ridiculous relati o n s h i ps. O n l y recently had I b u i lt the confidence needed to effectively com m u n icate a n d socialize with m e m bers of the o p posite sex, so the n u m be r of g i rls I had kissed before h e r was somewhere a ro u n d , well, n o n e . Still, nature h a s a way of gently g u id i n g u s through such h a rd s h i ps , a n d I managed to s u ccessfu l l y navig ate m y way a ro u n d it. Given that I had thought a bout t h is moment for q u ite some t i m e , I had a fa i r visua lization of w hat a good kiss would

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Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

be, a n d I feel that I gave a fairly decent one ba ck. We separated and headed i nto her a p a rtment to fi n d my hero, Con a n O'Brien, on the te levision, and h e r mother j u st com i n g o u t of u n consciousn ess as she awake n ed to the sound of the door ope n i n g . " H i honey ! " she h a lf excl a i m ed , h a lf m u m bled . " H i , m o m m y ! " Kasey gave h e r moth e r a h u g e h u g , a n d turned to face m e . " M o m , t h i s is Joe." She b l i n ked twice. "We l l ! It's a n honor to fi n a l ly meet 'the' Joe . . . Peacock, is it?" Her q u e ry was q u ickly a l layed by sca n n i n g the n a m e o n my letter jacket. "Ye s ! We ll, come i n , come i n ! " I took a spot on the loveseat facing the door, which was adjacent to the couch which faced the te levisio n . Kasey plopped down beside m e and h e r mother retu rned to the couch, g ra b b i n g the remote a n d turning off the telev ision. "So, Joe, te l l m e a bout yourself. I understa n d you play on the footba l l tea m ." "Yes, m a 'a m ." She con t i n u e d . "And you a re a wrestler?" "Yes, m a 'a m ." "And you a re in the Art C l u b and Dance C l u b at school as well?" "Yes, m a 'a m ." She bea med. "We l l , you a re q u ite the well ro u nded you ng ma n ! " I feigned l a u g h te r a n d politely agreed, fa i l i ng to mention that the o n l y reason I d i d a n y of that crap was to have legitim ate excuses to m iss class a l l day. "Well, I m ust say, you have rea l l y been a positive experience for my d a u g hter. S h e talks non -stop a bo ut you ! O h , a n d those little letters you write h e r. . . s h e saves each a n d every one of t h e m ." "Mooooom . . . come on, you 're e m barra s s i n g m e ! " Kasey coyly said . " O h , nonsense. I'm s u re Joe LOVES to hear that he has h a d a positive effect on you, don't you, Joe ! " "We l l , ma'a m , I h a p pe n to t h i n k Kasey is a wonderful perso n ." 87

Mentally Incontinent

She q u ickly a g reed. "Indeed, s h e i s ! Now, if o n l y S H E would believe that . . ." Kasey frowned a bit a n d was a bout to defend h e r low se lf-esteem w h e n her mother fol lowed u p with, "Wow, Joe, you certa i n ly a re noth i n g l i ke the other boys she's a lways b ri n g i n g home." Kasey i m med iately interjected with a very loud " M OTH E R ! " There was a s h ort yet very awkward s i lence, fo llowed by Kasey's i n s istence that I had no interest i n that s u bject. " Please, mother, I d o n 't t h i n k Joe wants to hear a bout that." H e r mother took exception . "That was q u ite rude, Kasey ! Cutting yo u r mother off l i ke that . . . I was merely expla i n i n g that h e i s the first decent fe llow I've seen you bring home." She tu rned to me. "Every other week, I meet some new boy - or MAN - with a n earring i n h i s ear o r a leather jacket o r smoking someth ing-" "MOTH E R ! Please ! " She ign ored Kasey and cont i n u e d . " I swear, some of these g uys, you'd t h i n k they were ra ised i n a zoo! Not a s i n g l e m a n n e r between the lot of them . I swear, I a m so very tha n kful s h e met you." I s h o u l d have picked u p on the thousands overtones generated by that one s m a l l interaction with h e r moth e r. There were eno ugh s i lent warn i n g s present to fi l l a n encyclopedia o n how NOT to choose a date. Instead, I re m a i ned co mpletely o b l ivious and res ponded "Yes, m a 'a m . I'm g l a d I met h e r, too." I turned to Kasey who was obviously relieved that I said something decent in response. She s m i led a n d s n u g g led a little closer. H e r mother stood u p a n d excused he rself. " I know that the two of you would proba bly rather not babble on a n d on with a n old wom a n a l l n ig ht, so I'll g o on to bed. If you need a nyth i n g , the fridge is rig h t over there." She took a few steps toward the h a l lway that led to her bedroom. "Good n i g ht, you two ! " "Good n i g ht, Ms. Cl i ne ," I s a i d . Kasey stood u p a n d h ugged her mother. " N ig ht, mom my, see you tomorro w ! "

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Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

H e r mom s h uffled out of the room, sto pping j u st as she reached the door to h e r bedroo m . She t u rned a ro u n d , gave a q u ic k s m i le , a n d said " Behave, you two. No foo l i n g a rou n d ! " Kasey was mortified. I j ust s m i led a n d agreed. Kasey made her way back to w h e re I was sitti ng, but d i d n 't sit. Instead , she placed her fists on h e r h i ps a n d stated, "Jes u s , my mothe r ca n be so obtuse someti mes." "Yea h , a l l mothers a re that way, I t h i n k." She s m iled, bent down a n d g ra b bed the remote, a n d handed it to m e . "I'll be right back. M a ke yourself at hom e ! " she gave me a q u ick peck on the l i ps , trotted to her bedroom, a n d shut the door. "What was s h e g o i n g to do?" M i ke asked. I was getting i rate . ''Yo u know, If you j u st sat there a n d let me te l l the story, I would eventu a l ly get to that." We had both d ra i n ed o u r coffee c u ps once a g a i n . Cindy had ta ken u p residence in the booth d i rectly behi nd o u rs, sorting out the eve n i n g 's tickets w h ile ha lf- l iste n i n g to my story. " Hey, Cindy. . . You b u sy ? " "Yea h . What do you want?" I was n 't rea l ly expecting such a b l u nt a nswer. "U m . . . Sorry to, you know, interrupt what you were doing . . . I was j u st hoping I could get some more coffe e ." She t u rned a ro u n d to face us, re plied "You know wh ere it is," a n d returned to her norm a l position to complete h e r n i g htly ticket co u nting . M i ke s h rugged a n d got u p to get some more coffee, o n ly to fi n d that the pot was e m pty. The cook on d uty noticed M i ke sta n d i n g there a n d the two of them excha nged a few words, res u lt i n g i n the cook opening a packet of coffee a n d placing it i n the d ri p bas ket a n d M i ke thanking h i m heartily. M i ke retu rned to h i s seat a n d said, "Okay, It s h o u ld be ready i n a few m i n utes . Conti n u e with your story." "Will you let me th is time?" I a s ked, fi ngering the e m pty packets of creamer stacked o n the ta b l e . "Yea h . G o a h ead ." ''No interru pti o ns?" 89

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H e beckoned m e to move along with h is ha nd s. "Just tell you r story." So, I click o n the television a n d t u rn the vol u m e a l l the way d ow n , u n - m ute it, and t u rn it u p j u st e n o u g h so I can hear Con a n interviewing Denis Lea ry. This was enterta i n i n g for a l ittle w h i l e , but soon, the ' l ittle wh ile' ela psed into a ' long w h i le'. Conan was replaced by Tom Snyder a s I fl i pped thro u g h the chan n e ls try i n g to fi n d something o n , a n d I slowly g rew more a nd more concerned with Kasey's length e n i n g a bsence. About 45 m i n utes had passed si nce s h e left the room when I fi n a l ly decided I should check u p on her. I turned off the te levision and made my way to her door. I knocked softly, w h ich caused the door to pop open d u e to the fact that it was o n l y nea rly s h u t . I peeked my head i n a n d w h i s pe red for Kasey, who was, stra n g e l y, nowhere i n sight. What was i n s i g ht, however, was a g iga ntic notebook that lay open on her bed. I slowly entered the room a n d stepped lig htly as I looked tim idly a ro u n d , eyes fi nally resting on the notebook laid before m e . Not m e a n i n g to pry into somet h i n g that m ig ht be a personal journal or d i a ry, I barely g l a n ced dow n . I had only to look for a second before I got the g ist of what was conta ined in the entire 5 0 0 page notebook - each a n d every page was covered with scra w l i n g that read a long the lines of "Kasey is fat," "Kasey is u g ly," "Kasey is stu p i d ," etcetera a n d so forth . This was n ot exactly u p l ifting materi a l , to say the least. Almost exactly as I fig u red out what the j o u rna l was a l l a bout, I h e a rd sounds co m i n g from the restroom that sounded re ma rka bly s i m i l a r to those of a person vomiti n g . I i m med iately knocked on the door to see if she was o kay. "Kasey? Kasey, it's Joe. Are you okay?" I heard cou g h i n g , sn iffl i n g a n d sobbing a l l at once. I opened the door a n d fo u n d h e r h u nched over the toilet, eye m a ke u p streaked down her tear-drenched a n d fl ushed cheeks, cloth i n g a s kew a n d hair d isheve led. S h e looked u p at m e a n d i m m ed iately back toward the toilet. "Kasey?" 90

Talk About Blowing Chunks!

She was sobbing, "Oh . . . I a m so asha med . . . I ca n 't bel ieve you fou n d me this way." "OH COME O N ! " M ike exclai med . "Yea h," said Cindy from behi nd u s . I a n g led my chair to better see her. " S h e d id that s h it on pu rpose." "You g u ys t h i n k so?" The cook brought over o u r freshly brewed coffee a n d proceeded to fi l l o u r cups. "Fuck yes," M i ke said, i m m ed iately s h oveling spoonful after spoonful of s u g a r into h is c u p . " S h e took forever j u st to p u ke a l ittle bit; she left the notebook out o n the bed . . . It's obvious. S h e wanted you to fi nd h e r l i ke that." "Yeah, I t h i n k he's rig h t," Cindy chimed i n . "It sounds l i ke s h e set that whole t h i n g u p ." "Who?" a s ked the cook. Cindy scowled at h i m . "No o n e, Bria n ! Da m n , why you gotta be so gawd d a m n nosey sometimes?" Brian s h rugged and returned to h i s position in the kitc h e n , smoking a cigarette a n d atte m pting to read the ea rly edition of the S u nday Pa per. I fi n is h ed m i x i n g my choice of add itives i n my coffee a n d took a s i p . "Ye a h , I can see that, I g u ess . It m a kes sense now that you mention it." .

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"Of co u rse it ma kes sense," said M i ke, lifting h is c u p to h is mouth . "It m a kes sense because it's tru e . I told you , the g i rl is a grade-A n utj o b . I heard from Marcus Mazil that h is frie nd, Brett Dobis used to date h e r a n d she played l ittle head g a m es with h i m , too. I n fact- " He took a q u ic k s i p of h is coffee, i 111 m e d iate ly p u l l i n g the c u p back once a g a i n d u e to the extreme tem peratures a n d s p i l l i n g coffee on the table. He c u rsed u n d e r h is breath w h i l e I shook my head and laughed. " I don't care w h o s h e used to date o r what you heard . Most of you r i n formation is a l l bog u s a nyway - ESPECIALLY a n ything you get from M a rcus or h is crew." M i ke was b u s i l y m o p p i n g u p h i s coffee slick as Cindy spoke u p . "Awrig ht, awright, g it back to the story. W h a t ha ppened after that?" I was terribly concerned for Kasey. "Are you 91

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okay? Are you sick?" I asked h e r as she sat on the porce l a i n of her bathroom floor. "No . . . w e l l , yes. I a m sick, but not l i ke you th i n k." " Not l i ke I th i n k? I don't u n d e rstand . . ." She bu ried h e r face i n her hands and began to cry. Like the g a l l a n t h e ro that I was, I i m med iately entered the bathroom a n d sat next to her, cra d l i n g her i n m y arms a s she cried on m y shoulder. We sat there, rocking back and forth as s h e sobbed for the better part of ten m i n utes before she fi n a lly spoke up. " I s u ppose you saw the notebook o n the bed." "Yeah . . . What is that a l l a bout? You d o n 't really t h i n k that a bout yourself, do you?" She lowered her eyes . "Yes. I rea l ly do." I lifted h e r chin with my fi nger, forcing h e r to look into my eyes. "You KNOW none of those t hi ngs is tru e . Look at you ! You a re gorgeo u s ! " " No, I'm not. I'm fat a n d I'm h i deous ! " She bu ried h e r face i n my chest a n d beg a n cry i n g once a g a m . •

"Come o n , Kasey! You know that that i s n 't tru e ! You are a model, for ch ristsa ke ! You m a ke stra ight 'A's' in class, you a re a great pai nter. .. You are wonderfu l ! How ca n you t h i n k those t h i n g s a bout yourself?" She looked u p at m e . With tears ru n n i ng down her face a n d l i ps q u iveri n g , s h e said, "You rea lly th i n k that?" "Of course I do," I sa id i n earnest. She stared at m e with h e r doe - l i ke eyes, v u l n e ra bl e a n d scared, for several seconds. S h e then reached u p and g ra bbed b e hi nd my head. P u l l i n g me d i rectly i nto her, s h e kissed me very deeply. "Aww, MA N ! Without brus h i n g her teeth first?" Brian the cook interjected . looked u p at h i m a n d j ust stared. Very matter-of-fact- l i ke, I res ponded, "Why, yes, Bria n . Without bru s h i n g h e r teeth first. What does it matter?" I

92

Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

" D ud e , s h e was p u ki n '. That's g ross ! Yo u s h o u l d a ' told that bitch to take a Lude n s ! " "A what?" M i ke a s ke d . "You know, a Ludens. Those che rry breath thi ng s." M i ke perked u p , "Isn't a Lu dens a cough d rop?" My patience had worn t h i n . "J ESUS, it doesn't matter! A breath m i nt, a co u g h d rop I don't g ive a s h it if it's a su ppository! J u st let me fi n is h my story ! " . . .

M i ke retu rned h i s attention to me as Brian g ra bbed the chair from the ta ble adjacent to o u rs and seated h i mself beside us, m a ki n g h i m self comforta ble for the conversation he had somehow become a part of. Brian was right. The k i ss was g ross - I co u l d taste the bile on her breath . However, g iven that the breath belonged to a model who was a g g ressively kiss i n g me, I d id n 't rea l ly care m uc h . After a few m in utes of tra d i n g kisses, we broke off a n d made o u r way to her bed to sit and have q u ite a lengthy chat. We m a d e what most armch a i r psychiatrists would call "great progress" d u ri n g that ta l k . I m a naged to get her to ta l k a bout her c h i l d h ood, d u ring which s h e was a rather heavy c h i l d . We tal ked about her father, who w o u ld co m pla i n often a n d q u ite loudly a bout h e r weig ht, s u ggesting that she go to 'fat ca m p ' or get h e r stomach sta pled. We d iscussed the m e a n ways kids tease la rg e ch i l d re n a n d related to one another a bout always being the target of " kick me" s i g n s a n d being picked last for kickba l l . Over time, o u r sit-down chat beca me a laydown chat, progressing i n to a her-laying-on-top­ of- m e chat. After it became sufficiently obvious that I was ready and w i l l i n g to listen to her w h i le s i m u ltaneously boosting her ego, s h e began espo u s i n g the benefits of re lating well to o n e another "if the relatio n s h i p is going to last." The look o n my face was probably the one a deer m a kes when sta ring i nto the headlights of a n onco m i n g truck. "What do you mea n?" "We l l , I k n ow that you care a bout m e . That means a lot to m e ." 93

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"Well, yeah ... Of co u rse I do. You are a g reat person." "No, I mean you care a bout m e . The real me . . . The m e i nside m e . You real ly, really care." She cl utched me tigh tly, e m bracing m e deeper. "God, that is so wonde rfu l ! I want to spend forever with you ! " Forever? She kissed me once a g a i n , a n d slowly I forgot a bout fo rever a n d j ust concentrated o n right that moment - a good moment indeed. " D i d you fuck h e r?" Brian q u e ried. Cindy picked u p a fork a n d threw it at h i m . "Oww!" H e yelped. "What'd you d o THAT for?" " S h ut tha H ELL u p, you big retard ! " she turned to m e . "Go a h e a d , honey. Finish yo u r story." Well, one t h i n g led to another, a n d I fou n d out rather q u ickly that Kasey was q u ite a g g ressive. Her hands fo und their way from my h a i r to my chest, down over my torso to my, * a h e m * h a rdware. My m i n d was RACI NG. I had never been a nywhere near this far with a n other h u m a n being before, and I had no clue what to expect. She slowly u n buckled my jeans a nd slid them down, t h e n lowered h e r head and" D U D E ! " M i ke excla i m e d . " N O way ! " I

j ust nodded. "Yea h , she d i d ."

He g ri n n e d a n d slapped my shoulder. " D U DE, that rules. Way to go!" Brian added h i s two cents. "See, I knew he'd fuck h e r ! " Cindy then l o b bed her s poon at h i m , n a i l i n g h i m i n the ea r. I j ust sat there, stone-faced. "Don't con g ratu late m e yet." M i ke removed h is h a n d from my shoulder, g rin ned, a n d said "A h , t h e re 's MORE! How rude of me to interru pt ! " Eager to hear the rest of the sordid ta le, he ush ered me to co ntinue forwa rd. The room was s p i n n i n g . Everyth i n g i n my field 94

Talk About Growing A Proper Woodity. . .

of vision ( w h ich wasn't m u c h , s i nce the l i g hts were off) looked as if I were underwater. Being a co m plete virg i n at that point, I had never felt a n yth i n g q u ite l i ke it. I heard various noises co m i ng from the nether-area as she bobbed a n d moved her head u p a n d dow n . Sudden ly, I felt her head descend a l l the way down, a n d I felt her throat spasm i n response. I m m e d i ately, a very loud gagging sound ushered forth from her esophagus, a n d I felt a very warm sensation across my entire waist area. S i n ce t h is was my first time experiencing a n ything at a l l i n regards to sex of any type ( besides the solo k i n d , natura l l y ) , a n d g iven that it was completely d a rk i n the room a n d I co u l d n 't see what was going o n , I wasn't s u re what to t h i n k . Th en, thro u g h her co ughs, I heard her say, "OH MY G O D ! I a m SO SORRY!" a n d she began to cry u ncontrolla bly. I sat u p, a n d that's when the u n m ista kable odor h it m e . I d i d n't have to have my vision to know that, d u e to h e r eating d isorder, there was Fudd ruckers s itti n g i n my l a p . " H O LY S H IT ! " M i ke , Cindy a n d Brian a l l excla imed, a l most at once. I just sat there i n conte m plative s i lence as they fi lled the Waffle House with their cackling, com pletely u n a ble to control t h e i r l a u g hter. After a few m i n utes, M i ke m a n aged to bri ng h i m self u n d e r control e n o u g h to excl a i m , "You have got to be kidd i n g ! " "Nope." The trio conti n u ed ch uckling, a m u sed beyond words at my m isfortu n e . "Oh . . . Oh mygod. A blowjob from a be u l i m ic with a h a i r-trigger gag reflex . . . That is PRICELESS," Mike said, as I rea l ized that I would be hearing a bout t h is for the rest of my life. "Th e re's more." The th ree of them g rew silent with a few interm ittent chu ckles here a n d there, p re p a red for what was co m i ng next. "I can't BELIEVE this ! " Kasey excl a i m e d . She stood u p and ran to the bathroom to g ra b a tow e l . " H e y ! It's okay! It's a l rig ht, I . . . U m . . . Are YOU okay?" She clicked o n the bathroom l i g ht a n d s n atched 95

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one of the towels h a n g i n g from the rack. Between sobs, s h e said " I j ust . . . you know . . . a l l over you r. . . O H MY GOD . . . " " Liste n , this is no b i g d ea l . Please, d o n 't wo rry a bout it." She soaked the towel in the s i n k a n d walked toward the bed , refusing to look at m e . I was a bout to console her, assuri n g her that everyth i n g was a l right, w h e n suddenly the bedroom door b u rst open a n d Kasey's mom ran i n . "I

heard cry i n g ! Is eve ryt h i n g a l ri- O H MY . ."

H e r eyes fixed on my crotc h ia l a rea, my flaccid pe n is awash i n bits of chewed u p h a m b u rger and bile; d i m ly i l l u m inated by the l i g ht from the adjoi n i n g bath roo m . Kasey, mortified beyond words, screamed at the top of her l u n g s a n d practica l ly dove i nto the bathroom, s l a m m i ng the door behi nd h e r. The room q u ickly g rew da rk, which Kasey's mom remedied by fl i p p i n g o n the lig hts. H e r eyes were sti l l locked o n the spectacle before her. A g rave look fe l l u pon her fa ce . " I d o n 't wa nt to know - no, I d o n 't CARE - what ha ppe n ed . Collect you r t h i ngs and leave my house," s h e m u ttered from between clinched teeth . opened my mouth before I even had a cog n izant thought of what I was going to say, know i n g that it d i d n 't rea l ly matter. I was going to be interrupted . "Ms. Cl i ne, 1-" I

"OUT! N O W ! " My m i n d co m p l etely locked u p . I had no idea what to do first - sho ul d I try to clean u p? S hould I j u st ru n out with my j e a n s a ro u n d my a n kles? I sca n ned the room a n d noted i m m e d i ately that the towel Kasey fetched for m e was, u nfortun ately, be h i n d the closed and locked door of the bathroom, probably sti ll cl utched i n her hands. H e r mom g rew im patient with my i n a b i lity to move, a n d gave m e her last verba I prom pti n g . "GET OUT O F MY H O U SE, YOU . . . You PERVERT!" s h e ra n out of the roo m . I had no clue w h at she was going to get o r w h at she was p l a n n i n g to d o with it, but I fe lt it was a p retty safe bet that my life would not o n ly be better but probably m uch 96

Talk About Blowing An Opportunity. . .

prolonged if I wasn't there w h e n she got back. I scraped off as m uch of the p u ke as I could, h i ked u p my pants, faste ned them, a n d made a ha sty exit. As the living room door s l a m med be h i n d me, I realized i m m ed iately that I had n o jacket to protect m e from the hars h winter winds that i m m ed iately made their presence known by blo w i n g forcefu l ly agai nst my back. I knocked on the door, knowing it was probably best to j ust write off the jacket a n d make u p some bu l l sh it story to tell my parents. After the t h i rd ra pping u pon the door, it swung open a n d my j acket fl ew at my face, fo l l owed i m m e d iately by the door, which rocked the fra me as it s l a m m e d s h ut. Th a n kfu l j u st to have it - a n d my l ife - I slid it on and began the a rd uous trek to the n e a rest payphone - which ha ppened to be a C i rcle K a bout t h ree m iles u p the roa d . M i ke was hyperve ntilating. Cindy was la u g h i n g so h a rd , she began cou g h i n g u p the contents of her e m physema-riddled l u n g s a n d had to excuse h e rself to the restroom . Brian the cook sat there, taking a fi n a l d rag off of h is cigarette. H e sh rugged his shou lders, g ro u n d the butt of h i s ciga rette i n the as htray, a n d excl a i m ed, " M a n . . . a l l that, and you d i d n 't even get to fuck her. What a rip." H e then returned to the kitchen to fix h i m self a little brea kfast. With the s u n co m i n g over the horizon a n d my a b i l ity to hold my head u p d i m i n i s h i n g very q u ickly, I suggested to M i ke that we settle u p a n d move a long home. We took o u r ticket to the co u nter to settle u p, w h e re we met C i n d y retu rn i n g from her little hack fest. "No, boys, this one's o n m e ." ''Now, Cindy," M i ke re plied . "We can't let you d o that . . ." "We, noth i n g ," I sa i d . "YOU ca n 't. You d ragged m e here; you 're pay i n g for my coffee." "Seriously, boys, I got t h is one. That story was worth twenty c u ps of coffee." We than ked her, tipped her generous ly, and made o u r way to M i ke's Bitch i n ' C a m a ra . H e cranked the car a n d headed o n to my place w h e re I would fi na lly get some sleep. And for the entire tri p home, h e had those godd a m n win dows dow n .

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WIN N E R

Meat M e At Lovejo (Another Kroger Story � Other Stories

# of Votes 46°/o (40) # of Votes

Just Visiting

31% (27)

The Bitterness of Something So Sweet

23% (20)

M y comments : I d isagreed with th is p o l l . I a lso d is a g ree with a few others, but this o n e I fee l stro n g ly e n o u g h to mention i n t h is spot. T h i s i s o n e of the very very VERY few times you'll ever see or h e a r me say t h i s a bo u t a story, but I really l i ked "Just Visit i n g ." Of course, the reason why i s because it's a bout a very powerful moment i n my life, so I'm natura l l y attached to it. And I defi n itely d o n 't mean to d iscredit read e r o p i n ion o n the story that won, not at a l l . I th i n k it's as good as a n y othe r story i n this boo k. It's j ust that . . . Wel l, I'm a whiny brat. And you have to put u p with it. So there . But hey, this one is g reat too, a n d has probably the s i n g l e greatest n ickname ever g iven to m y wife. Ever.

Reader comments : " H a ! H a m b u rg l a r ! That's priceles s ! "

-ninekayoh "Wait a m i n ute, wait a m i nute. You took a break from Tek ke n ? From there, you lost me, m a n ."

-larsoncc (from http://www.stageselect.com )

Meat Me At Lovejoy

Meat Me At Lovej oy

"Aww, come o n ! " I yelled, tossing my controller hard to the g ro u n d . "That's comp lete b u l ls h it. I h it you ! " I pointed to the te levision in a n effort to furth er boost my a rg u m e nt. "You cheating ASS ! " " H ey ! " M i ke screamed. " Don't throw my stuff down l i ke that!" He reached over and g ra bbed the cord of the forcefu l ly d iscarded joy pa d, p u l l i n g it over to h i m . "J ust because you are pissed that someone ca n beat you in Te kken is no reason to break my shit! Come on now ! Show a l ittle respect!" I reached beside the s m a l l fol d - u p chair I was resti n g i n to grab my g lass of sweet tea . " We l l , if you'd q u it fucking cheating with that stupid bear Kuma, I'd consider it." I s w i rled the ice a ro u n d i n the glass, m ix i n g the melted water into what was left of my bevera g e . " I mea n , honestly! How ca n a bear fig h t i n a martial arts to urname nt, you know? And h e 's wearing a t-s h i rt a n d snea kers. That's so d a m n stupid ." I lifted my g l ass to take a swig . Sudden ly, I felt the l i p of the c u p slam agai nst the bottom of my front teeth as M i ke forcefu lly tapped the bottom of my glass. I i m med iately clenched my mouth with my h a n ds, d ro p p i n g the g lass a n d s p i l l i n g tea a l l over the front of my clothes, not to m e ntion h is carpet. Like the asshole that h e is, M i ke gigg led . "Owwwurffff! " I screamed t h rough my cu pped h a n ds, "That H U RT! Oww . . . What the fuck d i d you do that for?" Before h e could a nswer, a n extremely s h ri l l tone began to sound from behind u s for the third time i n as m a ny m i n utes. Out of reflex, M i ke's head shot a ro u n d to the tiny s i lver phone sitting o n h i s coffee ta ble. He sig he d a n d looked back at m e with a plea i n h i s eyes. "Why don't you j ust go a nswer it?" " Beca use I don't want to," I responded, wigg l i n g my front teeth back a n d forth to m a ke s u re they were sti l l connected securely. "Besides, it's nobody I want to ta l k to. It's a b i l l collector o r the U n ited Way or some sh it." "Maybe it's A n d rea," h e replied, taking a d r i n k from the bottle of Fie rce Melon Gatorade he had at h i s s i d e . " N a h , it's not." He forced down the last of the l i q u i d that was i n h i s mouth, coug h i ng out a q u i c k, "How do you k n ow that?" 99

Mentally Incontinent

"Andrea's got a special ring when she ca l l s . Besides, even if it was her - I don't w a n n a ta l k to her." "Why not?" " Beca use, I yel led at her this morning," I re plied. "One of h e r cats peed o n my jeans sometime last n ig ht, a n d I took it out on her. She blames m e for leaving them on the floor, I blame the cat for piss i n g on them. S h e's had a p retty bad day ever s i nce, and we 've been a rg u i n g all day. I don't feel l i ke a rg u ing a g a i n ." I stretched my hand out to h i m . "Now, g ive m e the controller. I want a rematch." "No fu cking way," h e re p l ied, capping the bott le and putting it back at h i s side. "You'll brea k it." " I won 't break it, you moron," I s a i d . Conj u ri n g u p my best atte m pt at a Russ ian accent, I stared at h i m stone-faced, pointed, and said, " I v i i i BREAK yoo." He Ia u g hed . "Okay, Drago . . . Hey, wait a second - i s n 't it 'I MUST break you?"' "Whatever. I w i l l , I m u st . . . it doesn't matter. G i m mie the contro l l e r." " No," h e y e l ped as I leapt out of my chair and tackled h i m . J u st as I secu red the base of the joy pad, the loud ch i m i n g of a d istressed ce l l phone began once a g a i n . H e pushed m e off of h i m . "Go answer that d a m n thing," h e said forcefu lly as I picked myself u p off the floor. I m a rched over to the corner of his l i vi n g room w h e re the ta ble was, picked u p the c h i r p i n g phone, a n d belted o u t a very terse " H ELLO?" " H e llo," said a n autom ated atte n d a n t with a very pleasant and ca l m i ng fe m a l e voice, "This is the Clayton County Police Department." "Wha . . . " I said, looking u p to M i ke . " Dude, it's the police." My jaw h u n g o pe n . H i s eyes widened . The voice contin ued . "A person i n o u r custody," it said, rig h t before it was interrupted by the most hostile a n d i l l-tem pered voice i n existence, which screa med "JOE, ANSWER THE FUCKING PHO-" I p u l led the phone away from my ear, so as to kee p my ear d ru m i n tact. I hea rd the calm a n d soot h i n g to n e return to the l i n e , saying "is atte m pting to contact you by tele phone. To accept the call, press 'one' now." "Holy. . . It's A n d rea ! " I excla imed as I pressed the 'one' button as q u ickly as I cou l d . "Woa h , a re you serious?" Mike a s ke d . "What the h e l l ? Why is A n d rea ca l l i n g from a priso n??" " I don't know yet, M i ke . . ." I said as the kind robot wom a n instructed m e to hold the l i n e for my caller. " I haven't even ta l ked to 100

Meat Me At Lovejoy

her. Once I know, I'll-" "IT'S a bout GODDAMN time you an swered the phon e," A n d rea gri ped from the other e n d , sta rtling me. " I have been try i n g to call you ! W h e re are yo u ? Why d i d n't you a n swer?" "Andrea ... Calm down ..." I could litera l l y h e a r the l i nes i n h e r face hard e n as s h e exploded. " I don't WANT to ca l m dow n ! I want to go H O M E ! " " U m m , okay. . . Sweetie . . . U m ,

I

w i l l come get you-"

"Yes. Co m e get m e . Come get me RIGHT NOW." She was breathing heavily. I felt so very so rry for whoever was on that end of the phone with her. " We , u m . . . We are on the way. . . Wait, where are you?" I asked as n i cely as I possibly could w h i le being confused beyond bel ief. " Lovejoy. I'm at Lovejoy." "Lovejoy?" ''YES, fu cking LOVEJOY! I j u st said ' Lovejoy,' did n't I? Look, j u st come get m e ." "Okay, I certa i n l y w i l l , but what d i d you-" "COME GET M E RIGHT N OW ! ! " she screa m e d . An extremely loud clattering echoed t h rough the receiver, fo llowed by a further­ a n g e red A n d rea cursing a bout m issing as s h e tried to slam the phone down. Final ly, a s m a l l 'click' and the line went dead. looked over at M i ke , who was eagerly awaiting the scoop. "Well," I said, sitting on the bed to better facilitate putt i n g on my shoes, "It looks l i ke we're going to Lovejoy." I

He sat on the fl oor, stu n ned beyond words as I slid my shoes o n my feet. After a mome nt, he res ponded, " We l l , what d i d s h e do?" "I don't know," I re plied, tying the left shoe u p . " B ut whatever it was, s h e's not rea l ly h a p py a bout it. S h e . . . she was c u rs i n g , m a n ." His eyes g rew as big as saucers. "No shit . . ." "Yea h . S h e even s l a m m e d the phone down on m e ." "Wow ... " h e said, getting u p to turn off the te levision. "A pissed off A n d re a . Now that's going to be i nteresting to see." "Yeah, I know," I replied, ty ing my other shoe. "Sh e's not really good at it, either. . . She m issed when s h e tried to h a n g u p on m e ." We p u l led into the parking lot of the Lovejoy Correctional Facil ity to fi n d a n incred ibly a n g ry A n d rea waiting on a bench out fro nt. I co m m e nted on the expression u po n h e r face, one w h ich could have melted bu tter. As soon as s h e saw the car, s h e m a rched over to u s, not 101

Mentally Incontinent

waiting for us to p u l l i n to a spot. I stopped the car a n d u n locked the door. S h e yan ked it open angrily, plopped down i n the backseat, a n d s l a m m e d the door closed . " Let's go," she co m m a nded . M i ke a n d I looked over at one anot h e r, wondering w h o was going to brave the frontier and ask her what h a p pe n ed . I nodded at h i m , h e nodded back at m e . Not being a com p lete moro n , I shook my head ' no' i n response. He lifted h i s left h a n d , pointed at h i s ri n g fi nger, then pointed at my hand, s i g n a l i n g "You're h e r h usba nd . You ask her." I g rit my teeth, accepting my fate. "So . . ." " I d o NOT want to ta l k a bout it," s h e re p l ied sternly. "J ust d rive me home." "You know you have to," I s a i d . " We j u st picked you u p from priso n . Th e re's n o way you are going to get out of te l l i n g u s what h a p pe ne d ." She rolled h e r eyes, h uffed m ig htily, and then resigned h e rself to g i v i n g i n a n d s p i l l i n g the bea n s . " Fine . . . J u st get g o i n g , okay? I'm sick of being h e re ." And with that, I released the brake a n d p u l led a n i m promptu U-tu rn i n the pa rki n g lot . We exited and began the journey back to A n d rea's waiting ca r. She beg a n her tale with "I was going to Kroger, right?" " O h , sh it,"

I

sa i d . "Any story that sta rts that way CAN'T be

good." M i ke j u m ped i n . "You d i d n 't see someone robbing the place a n d get covered i n g reen ketch u p , d i d you?" " We l l , not the ketc h u p part," s h e re pl ied. M i ke a nd I shot looks at one a nothe r. " O h , wow . . . " I sa i d . "Okay, go o n . What ha ppened?" With a huff, s h e contin ued . " We l l , I went i nto the Kroger nea r o u r h o u se - you know, beca use I needed some stuff. We were out of toilet paper and I needed some s h a m poo, and the p u p pies needed some food . . ." " Does the g rocery l ist have a nyth i n g to d o with the point of this story?" I asked . "No, not rea lly. . ." s h e re p l i e d . "I was j u st say i n g . God, I'm so rry. Maybe I won't tell you then ." "No, n o . . . really. I'm sorry. Go o n ." She looked at me i n the rear-view m i rror a n d b l i n ked slow ly, 1 02

Meat Me At Lovejoy

d e l i be rately, so as to m a ke a point. "Okay, a nyway. . . W h e n I was walking i n , I saw a co u ple walking toward me rea l l y fast, rig ht? They were wearing h u ge jackets, but it was l i ke 9 0 degrees outsid e ! I remem bered t h i n ki n g ' O h , that's weird, why a re they wearing t h ose jackets?"' "Why WERE they wearing the jackets?" M i k e i n terrupted aga i n . Andrea g rowled. " D a m m it, M ike, s h u t u p a n d let m e tell the story ! " " I was j u st c u rio u s . . . " "You a re A LWAYS cu rious," she re pl ied . "Just let m e tell t h e story, o kay? I ' l l tel l you why they were wearing the jackets, j u s t S H UT U P a n d let m e ! " ''Fine, fine . . ." "Anyway, they were really walking fa st, right? And I sa w them heading for the door and I tried to get out of the way, but I cou l d n 't move fast e n o u g h a n d they ran right into m e ." " D i d it h u rt?" M i ke asked . "What? ! ? No . . . Yes . . . O h , I d o n 't know ! They j u st h it me, okay? And w h e n they d i d - " "What h a ppened?" "GO DDAM M IT, M i ke ! " I shouted. "Shut U P. Let h e r talk, please?" I looked at h i m as I tried to keep the car on t h e roa d . "Can you d o that? Just t h is once, ca n you let someone t e l l a story w i thout try i n g to be a jackass?" "Probably not," h e re p l ied, very matte r-of-factly. I

sighed. " We l l , ca n you at least try?"

He nodded toward m e . "A lright, a l rig ht." He tu rned i n h i s seat a n d looked at her. "An d rea, go on with your story a bout being d i sco u rteous and ru n n i n g into people." I looked i nto the rear-view at her. S h e j u st sat t h e re i n the back seat with h e r a rms fo lded over her chest, pout i n g a n d a n g ry. "Sweet ie? Are you g o i n g to fi n i s h you r story?" " No," she h uffe d . " N ot with M i ke h e re ." "O kay, I promise, I won't i n terrupt a g a i n ," M i ke sa i d . He turned a ro u n d to face h e r once more. "Agreed?" We a l l sat silent, listen i n g to the soft p u rr of the e n g i n e a s A n d rea pondered h e r decisio n . After a few seconds, she asked, "You promise?" "Yes," replied Mike.

1 03

Mentally Incontinent

"You swear?" "Yes." "Okay, fi n e . But one more word out of you, a n d I swear I'll never tell you a n ything ever a g a i n ." " Deal," he s a i d as he turned back a round i n his seat. With a heavy s i g h , s h e conti n u e d . "O kay, so where was I? O h , so they ran i nto me, right? And I fe l l down, but when I d i d , I tripped u p the lady. S h e fell on top of m e , and the g u y kinda tripped on her, a n d I g uess he fell too. I was try i n g to get up, a n d I felt a l l t h is cold a n d wet stuff on me, right?" " Eew," said M i k e . S h e ignored h i m and kept g o i ng. "And so I stood u p, and I saw, l i ke, 2 0 packs of meat j ust lying a l l a ro u n d u s ! " "WHAT? They were ste a l i n g meats ? ! ? " I excla i m e d . "Yea h . . . them a n d the t h ree g uys behind the m ." ''O h , wow . . . Wait, were they with t h e m ?" M i ke asked as he turned back around to face A n d re a . She stared at h i m for a moment. " No, M i ke, it j ust so ha ppened that two separate roving bands of meat b a n d its ha ppened to hit the same Kroger and meet one a noth e r, co incidental ly, at the front door." " O h , wow . . . That's j ust freaky." "You tit," I sa i d . "Of course they were together!" I turned my head back toward my wife, look i n g for confirmation. " R i g ht?" "Yes, they were together," she a n swere d . " We l l , d u h . I know that," M i ke said . I shot a puzzled look at h i m . "Why the h e l l d id you ask then?" " Because," h e said, ra ising his fi nger as if to m a ke a point, "what if it actually WAS two separate g ro u ps who j u st h a p pened to steal meat o n the same day?" " B ut it wasn 't," I a n swere d . " But what if it WERE?" h e returned. I stared a head, clenching the steering wheel i n an effort to keep my right h a n d from i n advertently fly i n g out and p u n c h i n g h i m i n the jaw. Thro u g h clenched teeth, I asked, "So what if it was?" "Wou l d n 't that be really stra n g e , you know? Like the Tw ilight Zo n e?" It was silent i n the car for a bout ten seconds. A n d rea's extended s i g h broke the s i lence a n d re m i nded me that I needed

1 04

Meat Me At Lovejoy

to ta ke a breath, lest I black out a n d bring this fasci nating l i ne of conversation to a n a brupt end by s l a m m i n g i nto a telephone pole. "So . . . U m m . . ." s h e said, try i n g to get back on track. "There I was, o n my butt, su rro u n ded by frozen meats a n d a b u n ch of wh ite trash morons with oversized jackets." " D i d they try to get away?" M i ke asked . " O h , yes they certa i n ly d id," she re plied . "The thre e g u ys be h i n d the co u ple ra n , and they were d ropping meats from their jackets w h i l e they ra n . The guy who was w a l k i n g with the woman tried to g o with them, but the woma n , I g uess she kinda h u rt h e rself w h e n s h e fell dow n , 'cause she wasn't getting u p. She was j u st laying t h e re, ro l l i n g from side to side a n d g roa n i n g . So the g uy, you know, the one who was walking with her? H e came back to help her out, but the cop on d uty there had gotten down the sta i rs by t h e n . " "There's a cop o n d uty there now?" I a s ked rhetorically. " It's a bout time . . ." "So, the other t h ree got away, the n?" M i ke asked . " I don't know . . .

I

g u ess so."

"You d i d n 't see where they went?" " No . . . I was kinda busy, you know, with being on my ass on the floor s u rro unded by meats. I d i d n't rea lly pay attention to the oth e r three g u ys when th ey, you know, wh izzed by me try i n g to get away." "They wh izzed on you?" M i ke a s ked, g ri n n i n g . H e looked at me for a pprova l . I gave h i m a backh a n d across the left s h o u ld e r. H e w i n ced as if it h u rt, g ig g led a l ittle, then a l lowed a man ufactured belch to escape from his esophagus i n a n effort to d raw at least a token g ri n , which h e d i d get (it was a little a m u s i n g ) . I

returned o u r attention to the situation at h a n d . "So, u rn , w h at

then?" "So the cop came downstairs , rig ht? And he tackled and brought down the g u y who came i n to help the woman - I th i n k it was his mother, maybe. And I was try i n g to get u p, and h e j u st pointed at m e and said 'Freeze ! ' you know, l i ke I'm a godd a m n cri m i n a l ! " Her voice beca me more fra ntic a n d her te m po more h u rried . "And I said, ' W hat? I d i d n 't d o a n yth i n g ! ' a n d h e j u st said 'Stay w h e re you a re ! ' w h i l e h e was han dcuffing the guy. And I said, ' B u t I d i d n 't DO a n yth i n g ! " but h e cut m e off before I could say a nyth i n g , he sa i d ' Be s i le nt before I charge you for res isti n g a rrest ! ' And I. . . I d u n n o . I lost contro l ." She s h oo k her head . I looked i n the rear-view at her. "And what? What! What d i d you do then?"

105

Mentally Incontinent

" I told h i m to go fuck h i mself." M i ke a n d I howled. "No fucking way ! " I sa id in response to t h i s extre m e l y s u rprising development. " We l l , he pissed me off! I d i d n 't do a n yth i n g , I wasn't stea l i n g ! I was weari n g a sports b ra and some r u n n i n g shorts! W here was I going to hide meat?" M i ke t u rned to me and g ri n n ed . "Joe?" I l a u g hed a little, but had to m a i ntain a certa i n a mo u n t of ch iva l ry. I smacked h i m o n the s h o u ld e r aga i n . H e j u st cackled . " M i ke , you 're a n asshole," A n d rea res ponded. "So," I interjected before M i ke could do a n y further damage, "How did 'Officer Friendly' react to that little statement?" " H e arrested m e . " " REALLY ! " I excla i m e d . "For W H AT? Resist i n g a rrest?" " No . . . " S h e said, p a u s i n g . S h e looked u p at the roof, bit her l i p, a n d then rep l ied . " H e a rrested m e for shopl ifti n g ." "NO way!" I re pl ied . "That asshole . . . That . . . That PIG ! H e said that I was i n league with the m ! H e said that h e a rrived after the co l l i s i o n , so to h i m , it looked l i ke I was stea l i n g with th e m ! " " How could h e do that?" Mike asked. " H e 's a n ASSHO LE, t h at's why," A n d rea re p l ie d . I decided that being a n asshole wasn't really q u a l ification en oug h for the officer's actions. " I d u n no, he could probably rig htfu lly say that, s i n ce a l l he saw was a whole b u n ch of people at the exit of the store, some of w h ich were tra i li n g meats out of their clot h i n g as they exited." " B u l l s h it ! " Andrea exploded. " Don't take h i s side ! " "I'm NOT ta k i n g h i s side, d e a r," I tried to expla i n . "I'm merely trying to j u stify how he could have been j ustified i n - " ''He WAS N 'T j ustified ! I d i d n 't D O a nyth i n g ! " "Sweetie, you told a cop to g o fuck h i mself. That's not exactly n ot h i n g ." " We l l , it's not stea l i n g meat, now is it?" she folded h e r a rm s a n d stared at my eyes i n the m i rror, waiti n g for a n a n swer. "Maybe t h i s j u s t goes to s h ow you that you should n't g o a ro u n d te lling cops to g o fuck themselves," I responded. "They have the a b i lity to m a ke your life m uch more d iffi c u lt than you can m a ke theirs ."

106

Robbie Robbie

"Yea h ," she responded, " We l l , that's j u st W O N D ERFUL. I can be com pletely i n n ocent a n d they can j u st a rrest me for a nyth i n g they want!" S h e was th row ing her h a n d s into the a i r repeatedly, apparently try i n g to convey the h e lplessness of the situation, but i n stead conveying that she had lost a l l sem bla nce of decoru m . "And what's worse - my H U SBAN D, the m a n I love - is ta king their s i d e ! " sighed. "Sweetie, I wasn't taking h i s side. I was merely expla i n i n g - " I

"Expla i n i n g what? That he was ri ght for a rresting me?" M i ke inte rjected. "Maybe you should t h i n k twice before mouth ing off to a cop next time." "Maybe YOU s h o u l d go fuck yourse lf, M i k e ! " A n d rea yelled. "You 're an asshole, you know that?" "Yea h , well, you know what YOU are?" Mike q u i pped. "You a re a . . . A, u m . . . A sausage stealer! You know w h y ! " H e turned around to face h e r. " Beca use you got a rrested for stea l i n g MEAT." "Oh my God . . ." I said, c h u c k l i n g a l ittle. "You got a rrested for stea l i n g meat . . . that is SO fu nny. . . "

" No it's not! It's NOT fu n n y ! " she yelled. "That's going to be on your record for the rest of you r life," M i ke added . "Andrea Peacock - Steak Stea ler!" We cackled at the prospect. A n d rea crossed her arms tig htly together, curling into a ball as far back into the corner of my ca r as she co u l d . " I really hate you g uys," s h e said. " Besides, I wasn 't charged with a nyth i n g - " M i ke, t h rough h is g u ffaw i n g , said "Watch out, here comes a Son ny's Barbeque resta u ra n t ! Lock the doors so the ' B ris ket B a n d it' ca n 't get out!" We roared with laughte r. She j ust s u l ke d . "Oh m y d e a r lord,"

I

sa i d . " I'm m a rried to the H a m b u rg l a r ! "

" Robbie, Robbie ! " M i ke added, cackl i n g . A n d rea extended her arm at us, at the e n d of w h ich was her middle fi nger, s i g n a l i ng that at a n y time we so desired, we cou l d fuck off. "Why'd you do it, sweeti e?" I asked . "What's the motivation be h i n d ste a l i n g meats?" " D ude," M i ke s a i d , "It's k i n d of l i ke w h e n we used to steal porno magazines and s e l l them for dou ble price to the kids at schoo l . I bet A n d rea has a larg e co ntingent of Jewish kids u p at the college w h o buy h a m from h e r to 'get their fix ! "' The d i n of l a u g hter increased to a fu l l-blown cacophony as 107

Mentally Incontinent

M i ke a n d I lost a ny control whatsoever over o u rselves. I looked back at Andrea. S h e was sta ring at me, try i n g her hardest not to la u g h . A s m i rk o r two broke t h ro u g h the stone exterior she was trying to present. "Psssst . . . kid . . . " I said i n a low, sneaky w h i s pe r. "Ove r h e re . Yo u need a C l u b s a n dwich? H a h ? I got some peppero n i right here . . ." She s n ickered a l ittle. It was work i n g . " H ey, A n d rea, what's the going price on a n ice s l a b of bacon these days?" M i ke asked. She perked up a little. "Shut up, you . . . you . . ." " O h , q u it trying," I sa i d . "You're never going to beat ' H a m b u rg Ia r'." We d rove on for a bit, the genera l level of merriment a bit h i g h e r t h a n w h e n we first picked poor A n d rea u p. S h e went o n to tell u s that the policem a n who q uestioned her was actua l ly really n i ce a n d that the shopl ifting cha rges, of cou rse, were n 't actually fi led s i n ce the cop was m e rely try i n g to p rove a point - one wh ich she learned ve ry, very w e l l . We fi nally made it to Kroge r's where she had left her car (she d i d n 't rea l ly need it, after a l l . . . S h e had a b l ue-clad cha uffe u r to the police statio n ) . We a l l got out of the ca r a n d went i nto the store, M i ke and I j o i n i n g A n d rea i n order to perform a n i ntervention should the u rg e to s m uggle a fla n k stea k strike her w h i l e s h e was inside. We ended u p at Rio Bravo later that eve n i n g for a bit of tasty American ized Mexican food . A n d rea g rew a l ittle tired of o u r ins istance that she refra i n from ste a l i n g the other patrons' faj itas and beef bu rritos, b ut u n d e rstood that if it were one of us, s h e wou ld be doing the exact same t h i n g . " Hey, A n d rea," M i ke a s ked her, "Are you s u re you d i d n't take a n y meats w h ile we were i n Kroger?" She scowled at h i m . " H a , h a , very fu n ny. Besides, w h e re co u l d I h ide it?" " I d u n no," h e said, "You co u ld probably s n e a k a Kie lbasa out pretty easi ly." A g iga ntic g ri n spread across h i s face. sn orted a tiny bit of q u esid i l la out of my nose. She thought for a moment, then scowled as s h e realized what it was M i ke was i m p l y i n g . Decid i n g that s h e had j u st a bout eno ugh of h i s mouth, A n d rea leapt out of h e r seat with p u rpose a n d m a rched to the back of the rest a u ra nt, pass i n g M i ke on the way. He looked at me and I looked at h i m , both of us s h ru g g i n g s i m u lta neous ly, confused as to w h at exactly s h e was u p to. I

108

Meat Me At Lovejoy

After a few seconds, I looked behind h i m to see A n d rea ret u rn i n g hastily, cl utch i n g two pitchers of sweet tea - one i n either h a n d . She came u p b e h i n d M i ke and d u m ped each pitcher's contents u pon h is h e a d .

109

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WIN N E R

# of Votes

O u ch.

560/o ( 185)

Other Stories Alison's Starting To Happen To Me Striking A Fixed Object

# of Votes 33% (108) 11%

(35)

My comments:

It h u rt.

Reader co mments: "Ow, ow, ow, ow, a n d ow. That j u st sounds horri ble, a n d I ca n i m a g i n e it was."

-Lycoloco "You know, I t h i n k I actu a l l y l i ke G reg, in a w e i rd sort of retarded Golden Retriever way. Re m i nds me of some of the Den ny's rats we have h e re . . . . "

-Drunken_Empath

Ouch.

O uch. " B u l l s h it," I said flatly. '' Naw, ma n ! S h e d i d ! " re plied Greg, wearing a ridiculous s m irk beneath the ratty goatee h e was atte m pting to g row. " I a i n 't lyi n ' to you ! " "What the fuck ever," M i ke offe red, s i p p i n g his coffee a n d smacking h is l i ps . "You're a l i a r." And rea's response to this entire exchange laid resting on h e r ston e - l i ke face, its d istant stare a n d s l i g ht frown d isplaying j ust how mortified s h e was that her boyfriend was reg a l i n g h e r two best friends with fa i ry tales of past sex u a l conquest. I took o n e look across the ta ble at h e r and laughed, knowing exactly how u n comforta ble s h e m ust have felt. "You expect us," I said, waving my spoon between M i ke a n d myse lf, "To believe that a 3 5 year old wom a n gave you a blowjob w h e n you were 1 2 ? " "We l l , yea h ," G reg replied as I resumed d u m pi n g copious amou nts of sugar into my fre s h ly poured coffee . "That's what h a p pened, dawg ." " We l l , I t h i n k you need to get two t h i ngs stra ig ht," I said thro u g h my chuckles, pointing my s u g a r-coated spoon at h i m . "First, I love a good story a n d a l l . . . but I'm not that g u l l i ble, and it i n s u lts my inte l l i gence that you t h i n k I a m . Seco n d , I'm not your 'dawg', nor a m I you r 'homey', your 'G' o r whatever else you ca ll those d u bious frie nds of yo u rs . To you, I'm yo u r g i rlfriend's friend - a n d n ot h i n g more." Andrea g l a red at m e thro u g h her bangs. I ret urned h e r look with a hearty "What?" a n d a s h rug of the shou lders. "I d o n 't l i ke your boyfri e n d . You 're dating a Neandertha l ." "And YO U 'RE being a jerk," s h e re p li ed. "Yea h," Greg added somewhat u n g raciously. "And you know what? We l l . .." he sat back a ga i nst the Waffle House bench a n d crossed his a rms. "Ya h , m a n , w hatever. I d o n 't need you fags to bel ieve me, 'ca u s e it's true, a n d I don't gotta prove noth i n ' to you." He was lying on a l l three counts. "Okay, fine," I re p l ied, cla n g i n g my spoon a g a i nst the sides of my c u p as I sti rred vigorously. "You a re n 't ly i n g . I bel ieve you , you're a sexual god . I strive to be j u st l i ke you day by day. Ha v ing conceded this point, I hope that you w i l l fi n a lly just s h u t the h e l l u p ." I tapped the spoon twice agai nst the l i p of the m u g and laid it to rest on the sauce r. Lifting the stea m i n g hot cup of goodness to my lips, I blew lig htly a n d stated to n o one i n particular, " C h rist . . . What a godda m n 111

Mentally Incontinent

retard." "Yo ! " Greg interjecte d . " I a i n 't n o reta rd, you . . . you fag ! " H e s l a m m e d h is h a n d s down on the ta ble i n a m a n ne r consistent with h is s i m i a n l i n eage, causing the entire structure to s h a ke violently a nd , conseq u e ntly, the e l bows I rested u po n it. Sca lding hot coffee s plashed over the l i p of the cu p a n d ra n down my c h i n . What portions did not land o n my face e n ded u p on my s h i rt a n d i n my lap. w i n ced and g rit my teeth, hoping to stave off the desire to choke the l ife from h is body. I slowly rested the c u p back on the sauce r a n d looked h i m i n the eye . " Not a retard, you say?" I a s ked, coffee d ri bbling down my c h i n . I snatched a few n a p k i n s from the holder, d a b b i n g them a long the wet brown l i nes d rawn down my neck a n d into my s h i rt. My eyes locked o n A n d rea who was now sha mefu lly sta ring at the h a lf-eaten pecan waffle resti n g before h e r. I gave her a q u izzical look and sm irked, my u n s poken point having been prove n . I

felt a l ig h t ta p on my ri ght shoulder a n d gla nced i n that d i rection . M i ke lig htly gestured toward the conta i n e r of s u g a r sitting to my left. I s m iled and shook my head . "Nope. Not today. Dri n k it l i ke a m a n ." I

M i ke sighed loudly. "Just pass it," he pleaded, wavi n g h is fingers toward h i m self. I sat motio n less, u n w i l l i n g to h e l p my frie n d sweeten his coffee. With a slight l e a p, h e t h rew h is left arm across the ta ble, grasping for the conta i n e r of s u g a r resti ng j u st outside of h i s reach . I blocked h is efforts, l i ke a n y real frie n d would, g r i n n i n g l i ke a m a n iac a l l the w h i l e . " M a n , w h y d o n 't you j u st pass h i m t h e d a m n suga r?'/ I heard the oafish l i a r ask from across the ta ble. My head w h i pped to face h i m , my s m i l e replaced by a scowl usua lly reserved for people who t h i n k it's clever to s l i p a Faith H i l l a l b u m i nto the C D player w h ile I'm not pay i n g attention. " Liste n , fl a pjack ..." I said, s l a m m i n g my coffee cu p o n the ta b l e . A little wave of coffee splashed over the l i p of the c u p a n d onto my h a n d . I grit my teeth a n d tried to h i d e my blund er. " Flapjack ? ! ? '/ M i ke excl a i m e d . " H A H ! That RULES!" I continued, i g n oring my s u ga rless friend . " I d o n 't WANT to pass h i m the s u g a r. Even if I DID, I wou l d n /t now just because you told me to." Greg's eyes g rew w i d e a n d he twisted h i s mouth i n a n effort to interject some form of retort, but my verba l b u lldozing d isa llowed it. "See? It/s a l l YO U R fault now, b u d . How d o you l i ke that, h u h ? You have forced M i ke to g o w ithout suga r!" "Joe . . . " A n d rea s i g h e d , shaking her head . "Ya h , tha n ks a lot there, Greg," M i ke added. "See what you've done? Now I dont get s u g a r." He painted o n a mock pout a n d huffed , 112

Ouch.

"You 're a n asshole." " M i ke ! " she sna pped . "Stop it, both of you ! You a l ways d o this to ... We ll, everyon e ! ! ! And none of them deserve it!" " O h , you don 't t h i n k so?" I asked, sta ring at Greg . H e was scow l i n g , atte m pting to hold my stare but fa i l i n g m iserably, h i s eyes flitting from place to place around the roo m . She sighed a n d pleaded, "Look, you a re acting l i ke c h i l d re n . C a n 't you g row u p and act l i ke ad ults, please? Just t h is once?" I returned my eyes to a n a n g ry A n d re a . " W hy a re you tel l i n g U S to g row u p ? It's your boy toy there that was sharing h is prepubescent fa ntasies of sexual co nq uest - i n front of h is own g i rlfriend, I might a d d ! I've read letters to Penthouse that were more believable t h a n h i s tripe." I g l a n ce d at Greg who sat fu m i n g d iagona lly across from me. I extended my index and m iddle fi ngers a n d pointed them d i rectly at h i m as I looked back at A n d rea . "Te l l HIM to g row u p . . . And stop m a k i n g u p stories to com pete with m i n e ." "You know very w e l l what you are d o i n g , Peacock," s h e stated. "Be lievable o r not, h is stories d o n 't entitle h i m to your a b use." I h uffe d . " No, the m e re fact that h e exists j u stifies-" "ENOUG H ." S h e removed h e r napkin from her lap a n d tossed it u po n the ta b l e . S lowly, she stood u p and towered over us. "If you d o n 't q u it it RIGHT now, I'll-" " H e y ! " Greg p i ped u p . "I can defend myse lf, you know . . ." A n d rea slowly looked over at G re g . He had a determ i n ed look on his face, l i ke a two year old who was i ntent on mastering the toilet . . . Or d i e try i n g . " S e rious ly, I don't need my g i rl to defe n d me," he said. She tossed h e r h a n ds i nto the a i r. "Fine. S u it yourse lf." S h e stood from the bench seat a n d faced me. " Have at h i m , it's obviously what he wants . I d o n 't ca re a nymore. Date whoever you want, d o whatever you want . . . You r little pissing games wear m e out." She turned to G reg and very flatly stated, "Good l uck." S h e d i d an a bout face a n d m a rched toward the women's restroo m , h a l f out of necessity a n d half out of desire to be rid of us. "Yo, man . . ." Greg said intellige ntly. "You a i n 't gotta p u n k m e out in front of my g i rl l i ke that." " O h , but he does," M i ke said with a g iga ntic s m i l e on h i s face. I w h i pped my h ead a ro u n d from A n d rea's departing fi g u re to M i ke's s m irking face. " S h ut u p, Mi ke," I s n a rled. "You see, Greg, that isn't rea lly your g i rl ." " M I KE ." 113

Mentally Incontinent

"What the h e l l d o you mean by that?" Greg asked. " We l l , it's rea l ly a very. . s h a l l we say. . . interest i n g set of c i rcu mstances that brings the two of you together. You see, you 're o n l y here because the g u y she rea l l y belongs w ith was dating someone w h e n she-" " D u d e . . . seriously." I looked h i m in the eye with fu l l earnestness. "That's enoug h ." "Why?" he res ponded. " H e deserves to know the truth . Besides, it shou ld be o bvious from the events of tonight that-" "Obvious? What's obvious? What the hell ya'll ta l k i n g a bout?" Greg said. We ignored h i m . " H e a l so deserves to be euthan ized," I suggested, " B ut m u ch l i ke that, tel l i n g h i m a n y of this j u st w o u l d n 't be proper. J ust . . . Let it go." M i ke s h ru g g e d . " Fi n e . Have it your way," h e responded, ret u rn i n g h is attention to h is coffee . " Look, you bitches," G reg said, fl i n g i n g h i s h a nds i n to the a i r, nearly knocking h i s u pside-down visor off of his own head . "Ya 'l l a i n 't gotta talk a bout m e l i ke I a i n 't here." H e leaned back i n h i s seat and struck a know i n g look. "Besides, I a i n 't no p u n k, a n d I a i n 't stupid, 'aight? I k n ow what you a re ta l k i n ' 'bout. I know you don't l i ke m e ." We both looked u p at h i m s i m u ltaneous ly. "You don't say ! " M i ke re p l i e d . "What on earth gave you TH AT idea?" " We l l . . ." he began to reply u n n ecessari ly. Fortu nate ly, A n d rea ret u rned just i n the n ick of time, s pa ri n g u s his keen i nsi ght i nto something that, w h i le correct, was a bsol utely nowhere n e a r what we were ta l k i n g a bout. " D i d you boys m a nage to work out your d ifferences w h i l e I was gone?" s h e asked sarcastically, plopping i nto her seat next to G re g . "Yea h," I repl ied . "Your boyfrie nd here decided to g ive u p this c h a rade of heterosexuality a n d is going to get his n i pples pierced." M i ke s norted into h i s coffee c u p, spewing the brown l iq u id a l l over the place. Greg shot a look back at m e ; o n e that was a m i xture of utter d isda i n at my s m a rt-alec res ponse and confusion as to what the word 'heterosexu a l ity' m e a nt. "Yo, I a i n 't getting my n i pples pierced . . . What a re you try i n g to say? You , like, i nferri n ' I'm some k i n d of fag or someth i n '?" " No, h e 's implying you're a fag . . . or someth i n g ," M i ke re plied . Greg thought on this for a moment. " H u h?" "The l iste ner infers," he a n swere d . "The spea ker is the one who . . . O h , fuck it." H e clasped h i s hands and placed them d e l icately i n 114

Owwie

front of h i m self. Very pol itely, h e a n nou nced, " G reg, you 're a d i ps h it." "Anyway," I said, picking u p the conversation, " I seriously d o u bt you'd be a ble to h a n d le someth i n g l i ke gett i n g your n i pples p i e rced ." " Why's that?" h e asked with a pre-em ptive g ri n . "Cause I don't have sex with m e n , l i ke you two d o ! " H e was l a u g h i n g nea rly rhetorically, looking to A n d rea for su pport. H e fo u n d her j ust as u n a m used as we were. "No, you fu cking a pe," M i ke stated. " H e 's saying you're a wuss. You have a low pain thresh o l d ." " I a i n 't got no goddamn low threshold of n u t h i n '," he cont i n u e d . " I a i n 't n o pussy. I ca n take pa i n . Look, I got my ear pierced." "Greg," A n d rea interjecte d . " I h ig h ly d o u bt that getting your n i pple pierced feels the same as getting you r ear pierced. Bel ieve me, it wou ld h u rt a LOT more." " I could take that s h it," Greg responded . " S h it, m a n . . . it w o u l d n 't be sh it." "'Sh it, m a n , it w o u l d n 't be sh it.' Now that is a n i n s i g htful co m m e n t i n deed," I said . "Sta b b i n g a piece of steel t h ro u g h yo u r n i pple - the most sens itive part of your body - wouldn't be 'sh it'. No, of cou rse not. It'd probably feel l i ke that blow job you got from the 38 year old, i n your little fantasy world." "Yo, s h e was 3 5 ," h e re p l i e d . "Yeah, get it right," M i ke s a i d . "You would n 't want to further expand that hot- a i r ba lloon of a story." "Yo, that s h i t was TRU E ! " h e said. " S u re . J u st l i ke 'Gett i n g my n i p ples pierced wou l d n 't be s h it' is tru e . But, as is eve r the case with you, there's n o way of knowing, beca use you'd n ever offer a n y proof." Andrea looked over at me. "Wh at, you expect h i m to PROVE it?" " H e can talk the talk. I j ust want h i m to walk the w a l k ." Greg h u ffed a l ittle. "S hit, I a i n 't got noth i n ' to prove to you, Joe Pea-for-a-Cock." I stared bla n kly at h i m . With as loud a bel low as I co u l d , I sh outed, "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO F U N NY. I see what you d i d . . . You took my last n a m e , Peacock, a n d you split it u p , so as to i m ply that I have a s m a l l penis. You're a godda m n gen i u s ." "NO," he ret u rned, " I was i n ferri n '. Cause the speake r i nfers , bitch." All thre e of u s s i m ply stared into the i n fi n ite expanse of noth i n g lying j u st beyond Greg 's eyes. For at least a m i n ute, no o n e said 115

Mentally Incontinent

a n yth i n g except G reg, who j u st s m i led a n d g i g g led n e rvous ly, try i n g to figure out j ust what it was he was now try i n g to play off. H e fi na lly ret u rned to form i n g fu l l sentences, saying " I a i n 't gettin' no pierces j u st to prove something to you, Pea for a-" "That's exactly w h at we thought," M i ke said. " Ca n 't take it.'' " O h , l i ke you could, M i ke?" A n d rea asked . " Li ke EITH E R of you co u ld?" "No, I co u l d n 't," M i ke respo nded . " But I'll a d m it it u p front. I'm not a s ha m ed to a d m i t that I d o n 't l i ke pa i n ." Andrea then looked at m e . I s h ru gged . " I d u n n o . . . I t h i n k I co uld take it better than G regory here." " I told you before, d o n 't call m e Gregory ! " h e excla i m e d . " H e h . . . Joe Peacock with n i pple piercings," A n d rea thought a l o u d . " Now TH AT I'd like to see." M i ke tacitly agreed with a g i g a ntic sm irk. " S h it, I'd like to see that, too," Greg s a i d . "Who g i ves a fuck what you want to see, Gregory?" I asked . H i s eyes na rrowed as he bared h i s fa n g s . I dism issed h i m com p letely a n d cont i n u e d . " Besides, I d o n't really want them ." "Don't want them? O r can 't handle them?" A n d rea asked . " Hey, I never said it wou l d n 't h u rt." I gestured toward Greg with my coffee cup. " I o n l y s a i d that I co uld h a n d le it better than Gregory h e re." " B u llshit!" he g raciously d is a g reed. "We l l , there's only one way to settle this d i spute," M i ke chi med i n . "Let's head down to I n k Wizard a n d see who fl inches first." A n d rea perked u p . " Hey, now . . . that's actu ally a good idea. What do you say, Peacock? Got what it takes to put it to the test?" I h u rrie d l y swa llowed the mouthfu l of coffee I had j u st ta ken i n . " Fuck that," I said with a gasp. "I d o n 't intend to s pe n d , what . . . Fifty bucks? J u st to prove G reg's a w i m p?" "Yo, I a i n 't no w i m p, godda m m it ! " h e said, red-faced. " G reg," M i ke i nterj ected, " J u st sit q u ietly for a moment, okay? Let the a d u lts talk?" Greg sta m m ered, stru g g l i n g for a reply. Event u a l ly, h e j ust settled o n m u tte ring ' p u n k bitc h ' a n d s l u n k i n h i s bench seat, arms folded across his chest. " I'll te l l you what," M i ke s a i d . " Let's do it this way," w h i ch is w hat he a lways said w h e n it was t i m e to rea l l y put u p o r shut u p . H e pu l l ed out h i s wal let, tore open the Velcro fl ap, a n d p u l led out two twenty d ol l a r b i l l s a n d a ten . "I'll give you the fifty bucks." 116

Ouch.

looked at the neatly org a n ized bills laid to rest on the ta ble, then back u p at M i k e . "You're serious?" I

Andrea i m med iately t u rned a n d g ra bbed her p u rse. "I'll add to that ! " she s a i d . She d u g t h ro u g h h e r a mazi ngly cl uttered h a n d ba g , excitedly p u l l i n g out twenty dollars of h e r own. Greg's eyes lit u p . " S h it, seventy bucks? I'll d o it for tha-" " S h ut up, G reg," M i ke sa i d . "This i s n 't a bout you a nymore ." " B ut You said I co u l d n 't-" '

"Greg," A n d rea stated, "Shut u p ." S h e t u rned to me, fluttering her beautiful blue eyes. " How a bout it, Peacock? You ready to put you r n i pples where your mouth is?" As I stared at the wad of cash sitting on the ta ble before me, M i ke picked u p my cell phone a n d began d i a l i n g a n u m ber. " H m m . . . Seventy dollars." I thought for a moment longer, then decided, " N a h . I'd o n ly clear twenty. It's not enoug h ." "It's not j u st twenty dolla rs," And rea said. "Ifs your manhood. " "Fuck m a n hood," I q u i p ped . "If it were a bout m a n hood, it defin itely wou l d n 't concern the piercing of a n i pple. This is a bout you guys paying to see m e h u m i liate myse lf, a n d seventy dollars - of w h ich I'd o n ly see twenty - i s n 't e n o u g h ." " S h it, you put it that way," G reg chimed i n . H e reached into h i s back pocket and w h i pped out his wallet. "I wanna h u m i liate you too. I'll throw a n ot her twenty i n there." " Hey," M i ke interjected , cove ri n g the rece iver of the phone, "Yo u r sister a n d h e r fiance just comm itted fifty. They said it'd be worth a thousa n d , but they're kind a tight t h is month ." "One h u n d red forty," A n d rea said . "And your point proven beyond a shadow of a d o u bt. How a bout it?" "Holy s h it . . . you g uys are seri o u s ! " A l l eyes were on m e as I contem plated the scena rio. I waved to M i ke to h a n d m e the phone. H e com plied. "Jen ," I said. "No, it's J o n . Jen j u st went to tell my parents what's going o n . You rea lly going to d o this?" "Aw, s h it . . . You're te l l i n g Eddie a n d Donna? M a n . . . I d u nno. I g u ess so, if everyone's spreading the word . When co u ld you get m e the money?" "To n ig h t . Right now. We're getting o u r shoes on as we spea k ." "What, yo u're com i n g down here?" " S h it yes ! We wou l d n 't m iss t h is for the- wait a sec." I heard some m u m b l i ng i n t h e backgro u n d a n d a loud la u g h . " Hey, my dad j ust 117

Mentally Incontinent

threw i n o n e h u n d red, but you have to let h i m take a picture." " O h , that settles it. I'll see you at I n k W izard then," I re plied, pressing ' E n d ' on the p h o n e . M i ke a n d A n d rea wore iden tical g ri n s . Greg looked as if someone swa p ped a b a l l from o n e h a n d to the other j u st a little too q u ickly. "What, so you d o i n ' it?" h e asked . g ra bbed my hat, m y lette rm a n 's jacket a n d the wad of cas h on the table. "Come a long, Corky," I said i n response. I

*********

We p u l led into the parking lot of The I n k W izard to fi nd m y s i ster a n d her fia nce waiting patiently for u s . I purposely stalled getting out of t h e front seat of A n d rea's car, forcing M i ke to cross the back bench a n d fol low Greg out of the d rive r's side door - rather c l u m s ily, at that. We a l l m ad e o u r way to the door, where we were greeted by J o n 's g ri n n ing face a n d J e n 's look of utter d i sbel ief. "Jes us, Joe . . ." she said, nea rly d isa ppointed. "I d i d n't t h i n k you were really g o i n g to g o thro u g h with t h is ." "It's over 2 0 0 bucks for a couple of metal rings a n d a few seconds of p a i n , J e n ." S h e shook her head. "Come o n . . . l i g hten u p." "Yeah, Jen ! This is the fu n n iest thing of a l l t i m e ! " Jon excla i m e d . " I can't WAIT to see this." We a l l made o u r way i nto the b u i l d i n g , where we were g reeted by two i n k-covered i n d i vid u a l s playing cards i n t h e front lobby. O n e was a barely over e i g h teen male with bright blonde h a i r and a n i n k sleeve on h is left a rm made co m p l etely of fla m e s . The other was a h a rdened a n d scruffy older woman with at least 2 5 piercings i n h e r face a l one. " H ey," said the w o man, "Welcome to Da' I n k Wizza d . Wot ca n I do fo' youze?" "I. . . u h . . ." I tried to say. " H e 's getting h i s n i p ples pierce d ! " M i ke said for m e . "It's a bet." "Ah, I kno' how doze kinds a ' wagers ca n get!" she said excitedly, lifting h e rself out of h e r chair a n d m a k i n g h e r way be h in d the counter. "Well, youze c a m e to 'da right place. Is it j u st yo uze, o r i s a l l of youze getti n ' e m , too?" " U h , it's just m e ," I expla i n e d . " U m . . . how long w i l l this take?" " Dat d e penze," she re plied. "On w h at?" I asked . " O n ly if d is' k i n d a ting g ives you a t h r i l l ! " she laug hed loudly, 118

Ouch.

coug h i ng a l ittle at the e n d . " I ca n m a ke d i s ' last as long as youze want. But, u h . . . Da' longer it lasts, da' more I hafta charg e youze . . ." her sm ile was as wide as the Brooklyn Bridge a n d conta i n ed j ust as m a ny g a ps . " I can't be doin' dees kinds of. . . u h . . . fava h s . . . for n utti n ', you u ndasta n d ." I looked over at M i ke , then a ro u n d to A n d re a . " U h . . . Th a n k you," I ye lped, t u rn i n g fu lly a ro u n d . "I'll be leaving now-" "You a re n 't going a nywhere, Peacock," A n d rea excla i m e d . "You made this bet. You can't chicke n o u t." "Yeah, you goddam n pussy," Jon ch imed i n . Greg c h u ckled a little a n d added, "Ye a h , pussy ! " " S h ut the fuck u p, Greg," I re p l i ed . ''Me? But what a bout-" "Yeah, s h ut u p, Greg," Jon added . Greg s u l ked a n d fo lded his arms over h i s chest. M i ke a n d A n d rea j u st l a u g h e d . " D ud e , you g otta d o this," M i ke s a i d . "You 're h e re now. You ca n 't chicken out." I j u st stood there, terrifi ed, sta ring at h i m . "Come on . . . You 've done worse." "Worse? Th a n THIS?" I re p l ied . "Ya h , you know what? I d o n 't th i n k I have ! " " O h , co me on, m ister athlete . All those years of sports? Football? Wrest i n g ? I mean, christ, yo u're a black belt i n J u do." " B rown belt," I re plied. " B lack, brown ... same god d a m n d ifference. Don't be a wuss. You can d o th is." "You're a brown belt in J u do?" Greg asked. I w h i pped my head a ro u n d to face h i m . "Yeah, I a m . So DON'T fuck with m e ." I sh rugged my shoulders forward at h i m . He j u m ped back, holding h is h a n d s u p i n front of h i m . I laug hed a l ittle, knowing that if h e knew just how bad I actually was at J u do, he'd probably learn it j u st to kick my ass. I took a deep breath, rolled my head a ro u n d left, then right, sh rugged my shoulders a n d shook off the nervo u s n ess. "Alright, let's get this over with ." "Rite over h e a h ," Th e pierced woman said, patti n g a n overstuffed dental c h a i r. I walked over to the c h a i r a n d rested myself u ncomfortably i n it. S h e t u rned a ro u n d a n d g ra bbed a tray topped with various i m pleme nts of pa i n , the most p ro m i n e n t of wh ich was an extre m e ly larg e curved n eedle that was very re m i n iscent of a n a n cient Pers i a n wea pon. O r Russi a n , or Babylo n i a n . . . who knows. All I know is that it looked l i ke it was made to stitch leather, a n d the second I saw it, my n i pples i m med iately attempted to extricate themselves from my 119

Mentally Incontinent

chest a n d sca m pe r b l i n d ly out of the b u i ld i n g . "AI rite, M istah Peacock . I need youse to take off youah s h i rt." "Aren't you going to buy m e d i n ner first?" I n e rvously re pli ed. She d i d n 't la ug h . "Come o n , come o n . Tim e's a-wast i n ', a n d I get off at n i n e ." She placed a cotton ball at the end of a v i a l of iodine a n d soaked it thoro u g h ly. I s i g h e d , leaned forward, a n d removed my s h i rt. As the piercer swabbed my n i p ples and chest with iod i ne, the peanut g a l l ery be h i n d m e began cheering a n d cat-ca l l i n g . "Oat's q u ite a fan c l u b youze got thea h," she sa i d , dabbing the red l i q u i d on my roc k hard pointy bits . " Do n 't m i n d t h e m ," I re pl i ed. "They're j ust here to see m e h u rt." " O h , bel ieve me - dey won't be d i sa ppointed ! " she said with a n extre m e ly yellow g r i n . I g rit my teeth as she placed w h at looked l i ke barbecue tongs with tria n g l e heads on my left n i pp l e . They were extre m e ly cold a n d caused m e to j u m p i n my c h a i r. Everyone watching g i g g led . "Now, youze ca n 't be d o i n ' that, ca use I'm 'bout to poke youze wit' d is needle h e re, and if youze j u m p l i ke dat, I'm liable to sta b youze good." " O h , that m a kes me fee l a LOT better, u m m . . . what is y o u r name?" "Marlene. Yo uze ca n call me Ma rl." " We l l , u m . . . Marl. I t h i n k I've c h a n ged my m i n d ." " O h , now, d o n 't be n o p a n sy. Dis won't take but a few seconds, a n d youze w i l l w i n yo u r bet! How m uch is it, a nyway?" "A little over 2 0 0 bucks," I re plied. She g r i n n e d . " Wow, dey m ust rilly love youze," she said, picking u p the g ig a ntic curved needle with a pair of forceps. " S u re, s u re ... e n o u g h to see me m uti lated." My eyes locked onto the needle as it d rew closer a n d closer to my n i pple. She s m i led . For some reason, it was little comfort. " Now, take a deep breath," s h e said, placing the tip of the needle next to my sensitive m a n -tit. It, too, was co ld, and caused m e to j u m p a little. " H ey, now, I thawt I told youze, d o n 't do dat!" "So rry, so rry... Won't h a p pe n a g a i n ," I re pl ied . "It bettah not," she said with a concerned look, "Or else youze g o n n a have a pierced peck-to ria l . Now, ta ke a deep breath." I d rew i n a deep breath and held it. I watched as the needle was placed d i rectly next to my n i pple. " Now," M a rl w h i s pered, " O n n a 120

o wwwwwwwwwwwww

co u n t a tree, youze gonna feel a bit of a sti n g , okay?" I nodded t i m i d ly. " O n e . . ." she said, bobbi n g h e r head forwa rd . I clinc hed my fists a n d toes. "Two . . . " she conti n u e d . My q u a d riceps, calves, a bd o m e n , pees, neck, sca l p, eyeba l l s , teeth a n d nose h a i r a l l flexed tig htly i n preparation . I g rit my teeth, I squ inted and locked my m i n d o n the thought of little ra bbits hopping clums ily i n a field of da isies. I could not, no matter how m u c h I tried, close my eyes. "Thre e ! " s h e excla i m e d , a n d i n a flash, I felt the cla m p tighten a n d a strong pressure agai nst my chest. Normal ly, with sudden tra u m a to the s k i n , pain takes a few moments to register with the bra i n . The vict i m is i n d is be l i ef from what they a re witnes s i n g , a fore i g n body entering their s k i n . A few q u ick breaths a re drawn a n d the eyes w i den, a n d for j u st a moment, there's n o fee l in g whatsoever. I only wish that was the case with this situation. It wasn't, however. The pa i n was im medi ate a n d it was severe. Lights fl ashed before my eyes . My brain ricocheted a g ai nst my s k u l l . My chest spasmed, my toes shoo k a n d my teeth nea rly cracked u n der the press u re . It d i d n 't take long for the n eedle to part my sensitive flesh a n d slide thro u g h , i m p a l i n g this most sensitive part of my body. From off i n the d istance b e h i n d me, I co uld hear a loud col lective gasping for a 1 r. •

" Now, I'm a put in d a ' first ri n g ," she s a i d . S h e twisted a ro u n d a n d g ra bbed the piece of jewelry, s l i d i n g one e n d of it i nto the hol low tip of the needle and working the loop a ro u nd so that it dang led from my s k i n . Slowly, she withdrew the needle, leaving not h i n g but the s i lver ri ng h a n g i n g from my teat. "See, now dat wasn't so bad," M a rl s a i d . S h e was a fucking liar - it was a wfu l . My left pectoral fe lt l i ke it was on fire ; my n i p ple felt l i ke a n u clea r weapons test site. I could feel the skin g a p i n g a n d c i n c h i n g itself tight arou n d the new piece of jewelry. "Now, time for d a ' next o n e , okay?" " No way," I sa id with a w h i m per. " Fuck t h i s . I'm d o n e ." " O h , come on, Peacoc k ! " I heard from behi nd me. I s p u n my head a ro u n d to fi n d my future w ife s n ee ri n g at m e . "Don't be such a w i m p . You a l ready d i d the first o n e . . . you have to do the second o n e ." She s m i led e n co u ra g i n g ly. " Do n 't g ive u p ." I turned a ro u nd and looked at Marl, who stood poised with the iod i ne-soaked cotton ball a n d clamp. I nodded my head, te l l i n g h e r to proce e d . S h e g ri n ned that yel low g ri n a n d began to go to work. 121

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Now, the first one was ba d . It was really, really bad. Th e re was one a d va ntage, however, that the fi rst one had over the second one - the fact that I had no idea what was co m i n g . With the seco n d one, a l l I co uld t h i n k a bout was the fact that every s i n g l e action s h e was performing was lea d i n g u p to the most i ntensely painfu l t h i n g I have ever experienced. The d a b b i n g of the iod i n e , the placement of the clamp, the scratc h i n g of her a rm pit a n d s n orting of s n ot down her throat - a l l of these t h i ngs bro u g ht me closer a n d closer to my i m p e n d i n g fate. It was ago ny. I felt the cla m p o n my right n i p p l e . It was as cold as it was the first time, however, the searing pain i n my left n i pple was more than en oug h to override a n y s l ig ht chill I m i g ht have experienced. I felt it tighten a ro u n d my tit, s q u eezing hard and p u l l i n g away. I watched as she placed the hol low needle n e a r my other n i pple, l i n i n g it u p o n the s m a l l dot she had placed there with a ma rker j ust seconds earlier. Th ere was n o warn i n g , n o countdown , no a n nou ncement. S h e merely w h i p ped her wrist back, then forward, s i n k i n g the needle into my chest. I ca n o n ly assume from that point that the needle made its way thoro u g h with n o problems a n d the jewelry for my right n i pple was a pp l ied correctly, for as she pierced the seco n d n i pple, the world beca m e very s w i rly a n d eve ryt h i n g fa ded to black. I felt myself s i n k i n g deeper i nto the c h a i r, a l m ost as if I was fl oating fa rther a n d farther down i n a pool of thick water. Everyth i n g was cold a n d my body was n u m b. I could barely m a ke out several poi nts of w h ite l ig h t off i n the d i stance. I stared at those lig hts for w h at felt l i ke hours - possibly even days. Eve ntual ly, the l ig hts began to glow brighter and merge togeth e r. Images fo rmed i n my field of vision a n d slowly, I cou ld m a ke out several faces hovering above me, each and every one of them s m i l ing wide with the exception of the one with a scra g g ly goatee. " D u de," I heard M i ke excl a i m , "You d i d it! You actu a l l y d i d it!" " M a n , I can't believe this," Jon sa i d . " H e actu a l l y went thro u g h with th is." " H e 's sti l l a p u n k, th o u g h ," G reg iterate d . " S h ut u p, G reg," Andrea said, loo k i n g down at m e with a bright s m i l e . "You co u l d n 't do it." " S h it . . . yea h , I could," he res ponded. Im med iately I sat u p a n d removed myself from the cha i r, my n i p ples e nflamed a n d heavy from the weight of the new rings. " Be my g u est, fuckwad," I sa i d . "If you d o it, I'll forfe it my w i n n i n g s to you . You can have every s i n g l e d i m e ." "What, you seriou s? " he re p l ie d . "You'd g ive u p a l l that money if 122

Ouch.

I d i d it?" "Sh it, I'll dou ble it," I responded. "So would I," M i ke added . " Beca u se there's no way i n h e l l you'll do it." " S h it, for six h u n d red? Da m n , I'm d o i n ' this." H e removed h i s s h i rt and plopped into the c h a i r. M a rlene gri nned wide a n d prepa red another cotton ba l l . We a l l watched on as she c l a m ped onto h is n i pple a n d stretched it out, then placed the needle near h i s left n i pple. The seco n d h e felt the i m plement n e a r h i s fl esh h e yelped l i ke a little g i rl and shot stra ight out of the c h a i r. "Yo, fuck that s h it, I a i n 't doin' that. Keep the money, m a n ." "God d a m n ," I said, s h a k i n g my head . I w i n ced i m m ed iately d u e to the pa i n caused by the j ig g l i ng of the new jewelry i n my pierced n i p ples, but it co u l d n 't stop m e from say i n g it - "Yo u 're a fucking retard ." *********

The brassy ring of my beds i d e telepho n e sent a jolt t h rough me, waking m e from my pleasant s l u m ber. I m m e d i ately, as if by refl ex, I fl u n g a n extended a rm out to g ra b the receiver. It d i d n 't feel too good, co nsidering that I n ot o n ly had a 1 2-gauge h u n k of steel i m pa l i n g both of my n i p ples, but that they had j u st barely sta rted to hea l . The p a i n was not inconsidera ble, causing m e to recoil a n d cover the metal-clad teats i n agony. None of th is invoked any sym pathy with i n the te lephone; it contin ued to a n n o u nce i n shr i ll b u rsts that someone on the other e n d of the l i n e was wait i n g to ta l k to m e . I managed to g ra b the receiver j ust before the a n swering m a c h i n e picked u p . " H u h . . . H a l l u h . . ." I said g roggi ly. " Hey, Joe Peacoc k ! " echoed t h e receiver i n a slight J a pa nese accent with s u rfer-boy u n d erton e s . It was m y J udo sensei and good friend Randy. "Where the heck you been, m a n ? " "Oh . . . heya Ra n d y," I re plied, smacking my parched l i ps a n d ro l l i n g back i n to my bed. " H o w a re ya?" "I'm okay, I g uess," h e re p l i ed , s i g h i n g a l ittl e . " I th i n k we'd both be m u c h better, thou g h , if yo u 'd s h ow u p for practice ! W h e re have you been?" " O h , u rn . . . You see . . . I, w e l l ," I sta m m e red, try i n g to t h i n k of a s u itable excuse. Ra ndy was a cool g u y a n d a l l , but h e s i m p l y wouldn't u n d e rsta n d the concept of my getting ' n i pple rin gs' - not even on a 123

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bet for a n u n usua l ly l a rg e s u m of money - and there was n o way i n h e l l that he'd a l low it as a n excuse for d ucking out of practice. I mean, if a s i m ple act l i ke answering the phone could cause m e to wi nce, how would I react to a l ig h t n i ng -fast h i p throw from my sensei, right? But he wouldn't get that. H e wou ld s i m p ly cou g h , q u estion my sexual orientation, d e m a n d I remove them a n d throw me to the g ro u n d . Having a l ready i nvested two weeks i nto them, I co u l d n 't j u stify doing that, so I forced my n i m ble and clever m i n d into overd rive. And what d i d I come u p with? "I've been, li ke, I d u n n o . . . Sick a n d stuff." "Aww, m a n . . ." he s a i d d rol ly. "Come o n . 'Sick a n d stuff?' You ca n d o better than that." I sta m m e red a little, but h e cut to the chase. "Look, I can understa n d if you wa nt to wait to test for yo u r black belt u ntil later, bro. It ca n be q u ite intimidating-" "Dude, no ... It's not l i ke that !" I rebutted. "You don't u n d e rsta n d . I'm not scared of testing for my belt." "What is it then?" " We l l . . . U m . Yo u see, Randy, I u h ... I t h i n k I need some time to . . . You k n ow . . ." "To h i d e out, right?" h e said. " No way. I j u st need to recover-" "From what? Yo u r mystery sickness?" " O h , co me on Ra n d y ! I have a cold, m a n . Have some sympathy ! " "Yea h ,

I

bet you d o . . . "

A s i lence stood between us for a few moments. Sudden ly, h e erupted . "Get your lazy ass down h e re, Peacock." " D u d e , I w i s h I could, but-" "Okay, fi n e . How a bout this - if you a re n 't at tonig ht's practice, I gotta demote you to a wh ite belt." A demotion to white? That would set me back a l m ost a fu l l year a n d a ha lf! Ra ndy's teaching methods were steeped i n tradition. H e d i d n't reco g n ize the myriad of colors that is the belt system so preva lent i n America n ma rtial a rts syste m s . To h i m , there were o n l y three colors - w h ite, brown a n d black. Basical ly, i t a m o u nted to three t h i n g s : either you d i d n 't know what you were d o i n g , you knew what you were doing but weren't very good at it yet, or you were a master. To a d va nce u n d e r h i m (or a n y of his fa m i ly, who a l l taught and com peted i n J u do ) meant months and months of practice, ded ication a n d ach ieve ment. If I was d e m oted to w h ite, I had to start a l l over, a n d he would see to it that d u e d i l ig e nce was paid before I saw a 124

Ouch.

brown belt once aga i n . " S h it ! " I excl a i med . "A fre a k i n ' wh ite belt? Come on, Ra ndy. . . " "It's Sensei I m m a m u ra to you w h ite belts," h e s n i pped. "You better get used to c a l l i n g m e that." "Aww, d u d e ! Don't be l i ke t h i s ! I've been a brown u n d e r you for a l m ost a year! You ca n 't do this, m a n ! It's not fa i r ! " " U n fa i r? " h e q uerie d . " U nfa ir i s l a y i n g out of practice for two weeks a n d not c a l l i n g . If you don't want m e to d o d e mote you, you have a bout four h o u rs to get your ass to the gym ! " " S h it ! Come on, m a n . . . I d o n 't even know if I ca n find a ride by the n ." "That's your proble m . I'll e ither see you ton ig h t as a brown belt, or later, as a wh ite belt," a n d with that, h e h u ng u p t h e phone. I moa n ed a n d sla pped the rece iver u po n the cra d l e . "Aww, ma n," I moa n e d . Now, I not only had to prove myself to get my black, I had to prove myself a g a i n st a n a n g ry two-time National g o ld medal ist i n J udo. I flipped the q u ilts off of myself a n d rose slowly out of bed, uneager to participate i n what was s u re to be a co m plete ass-w h i p p i n g . *********

* Ri n g * * Ri n g * *Ri-* " H e l lo?"

[ M e : ] " Heya , Mrs. P. Is A n d rea a ro u n d ? " [ M rs. P . : ] " O h , hey Joe! S u re, she's here. J u st o n e seco n d ." [In the background:] "AN DREA ! " [ Farther in the background : ] " W hat?" [Closer in the background :] "It's Joe-J oe ! " [ M uch farther i n the background : ] "Aw, m a n , not that p u n k bitch . . ."

[A little closer in the background, but not too close: ] *Smack* " Do n 't ta l k that way i n front of my moth e r."

[ Farther in the background, but whinier than he was before : ] " O u c h ! God d a m n , g i r l ! Why you gotta be h itt i n ' me?" [ M uch closer and very loudly: ] " G regory ! Watch your l a n g u a g e ! That's my d a u g h te r you're yelling at!"

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[So far in the background it is barely audible: ]

"Yes

ma'a m . I'm sorry."

[ M rs. P. ( returning to the phone ) : ]

"Say, Joe ... we haven't heard from you i n q u ite a w h i l e . Are you okay?"

[Me (politely dismissive) : ]

"Yes, ma'a m . I'm doing okay. I've j u st been . . . you know, busy and st uff."

[ M rs. P. (insulted by dismissive tone ) : ]

"Busy, h u h ? It wo u l d n 't have a nyth i n g to d o with the recent a d d ition of certa i n types of body jewelry, would it?"

[ Me, (aggravated) : ] " O h , ch rist. You know a bo u t that, too?" [ M rs. P. ( knowingly) : ] "Of course I do. It's a l l A n d rea has talked a bout for nea rly two weeks."

[ M e (perky) : ]

" O h , rea l ly? d i d s h e say a bout me?"

[ ( extra perky) : ]

What, u m . . What

[ M rs. P., with a vocal smirk, knowing fully well what was going on in my hea d : ] "Well, s h e said - O h , wait. Here she is, s h e can tell you h e rself." * M a rked sound of a h a n d off, clanking a n d static and s u c h *

[Andrea (sarcastic) : ]

"Well, hello stra n g e r. N ice of you to

fi nally call m e ! "

[ M e (backpedaling ) : ] " O h , come on, now. Don't be that way." [Andrea: ] "What way?" [ M e (defiant) : ] "You know what way." [Andrea: ] "What, you mea n the way I get w h e n my s u p posed best friend does n 't bother to return my calls for a l most two weeks?"

[ M e : ] " U m . . . yea h . That way." [Andrea: ] "So, why have n 't you called m e back?" [ M e : ] " H ow a bout we d i scuss that w h e n we get together tonig ht?"

[Andrea: ]

" H m m . . . I d u n no. I don't t h i n k you deserve to h a n g out with m e right now."

[Me:]

"You mean gett i n g the two most sensitive places o n my body pierced d i d n 't earn me the right?"

[Andrea: ]

" No, that ea rned you a reprieve from the colossal mound of shit you deserve for ignoring me for two weeks - and even then, o n ly ba rely."

[Me:]

" Look, I'm sorry I've been M . I . A . . . . But if it's a n y consolat ion, I haven't ta lked to ANYO N E the past two weeks."

126

Ouch.

[Andrea: ] "Ye a h , but I'm not j u st ' a nyone'." [ M e : ] " O h , no?" [Andrea: ] " N o . And you know it." [ M e : ] " We l l , be that as it may, I n eed a ride to J u d o to n i g ht." [Andrea (annoyed) : ] "Oh, I get it." [ M e : ] "Get what?" [Andrea: ] "Why you fi n a l ly called m e . You j u st needed a ride." [Me (abruptly) : ] " N O ! [ ( More cal m ) ] U m . . . no. Ton i g ht's a n im portant n i g ht, a n d . . . u h ... I want you to be there."

[Andrea: ]

" O h , is it? And what's [ (mocking)] SO i m porta nt that you s i m ply had to call m e after two weeks of s i le n ce to get a ride to J udo?"

[ M e : ] " U m . . . I'm testing for my black belt ton ig ht." [Andrea: ] (silence) [ M e : ] "It's a rea l l y i m portant t h i n g ." [Andrea: ] (silence) [ M e : ] "A nd, u m ... I want you to be there ." [Andrea ( hands most l i kely on hips, head cocked to one side and l i p sneered ) : ] "M ore l i ke ' I cou l d n 't fi n d a nyone else to take m e .' Good try, th o u g h ."

[ M e : ] " NO ! It's not l i ke that-" [Andrea: ] "Goodbye, 'frie n d '. . [ M e : ] " N O ! WAIT! Don't h a n g u p ! " [Andrea: ] (silence) [ M e : ] " H e l lo?" [Andrea: ] "Why not? Why S H O U LD N 'T I h a n g u p? " [ M e : ] * s i g h * "Look, the reason I d i d n 't call you is beca use . . . .

well. . ."

[Andrea: ] "What?" [ M e : ] "Wel l. . . Because I'm mad at yo u, okay?" [Andrea (silent at first, then ) : ] " Mad?" [ M e : ] "Ye a h . " [Andrea: ] "At me?" [ M e : ] "Ye a h ." [Andrea: ] "What the hell for?" 127

Mentally Incontinent

[Me:]

" We l l . . . I d u nno. I j ust thoug ht, you know . . . after you saw Greg's true colors that, you know, w h e n I got my n i p ples p i e rced . . . That you would have been s m a rt and fi n a l ly rid yourself of h i m ."

[Andrea: ]

"And be mad a bout that?"

I

d i d n 't. So what?

[ (smugly)]

Why would you

[ M e : ] "Wel l , I m e a n ... Yo u ' re my friend and stuff." [Andrea: ] "And w h at does that have to do with it?" [ M e ( not-so-politely dismissive ) : ] "Look, w i l l you

take me

tonight o r not?"

[Andrea: ]

" O h , no. You a re n 't going to d is m iss t h is that easi ly. Now tell m e - What does my not d u m p i n g Greg have to do with your a n g e r or lack thereof toward me?"

[In the background:] " M a n . . . that's j u st d i s respectfu l ." [Up close but barely a udible due to a poorly-placed palm over the receiver:] "What is?" [ Background (annoyed) : ] "Yo u ! You be sitt i n ' there, fl irti n ' with that p u n k ass n igga right i n fro nt of m e ! You ta l k a bout d u m p i n ' m e . . . What? Is he try i n ' to get you to leave me? M a n , I buss a ca p i n h is-"

[Up close and muffled : ] " O h , shut the hell eve n own a g u n . [ (returning to me)] "Yea h ,

d o n 't w i l l take you tonig ht."

[ M e : ] "See?" [Andrea (angrily inquisitive) : ] [ M e : ] "THAT'S why I want you to

u p, G re g . You okay, so maybe I

"See? See what?" break u p with that fucking

mongoloid ."

[Andrea ( l aughing ) : ] "Mongoloid? But h e 's not even Asia n ! " [ M e (laughing as wel l ) : ] " N o n o n o . . . I meant, you k n ow, as i n mongolism . . . bra i n damage, extra c h romosome ... that sort of t h i n g ."

[Andrea: ] "Isn't that l i ke Dow n 's Syn d rome?" [ M e : ] " S a m e t h i n g , I th i n k ... They cal led it that

i n the S O's or

somet h i n g ."

[Andrea: ] " Now why o n ea rt h would they ca l l it that?" [ Background, l oudly: ] "YO! Did that mutha fucka j u st call

me

some Down's Sy n d rome s h it?"

[Andrea: ] *loud sigh i n phone* [ M e : ] "You know, I have no idea. a pplies."

128

But as you can see, the term

Ouch.

[Andrea: ]

* l o u d lau g hter* "Once a g a i n , M r. Peacock, you a re

correct."

[ M e : ] " So, I'l l see you i n what, a n [Andrea (giggling sti l l ) : ] " M a ke

hour or so?"

it a n h o u r a n d th i rty m i n utes . You get a thirty m i n ute pena lty for being a bad friend these past two weeks."

[Me:]

" O h , come o n . . . The Mongoloid com ment made u p for

that."

[Andrea ( l aughing) : ] "No, it's the reason it's not TWO [ M e : ] " Okay, okay. . . See you i n a n hour th irty." [Andrea: ] " Bye, Joe-Joe." [ M e : ] " Bye, goof."

hours ! "

*********

I strolled i nto the makeshift dojo that Randy set u p i n the wrestling room of Georg ia State U n iversity's gym with a false confidence bordering o n the rid icu lous. Ra ndy turned h i s atte ntion away from the mop he held i n h is hand a n d s m i rked at m e . I c u rtseyed in return ( beca use i n Judo, the respectful g reeting is a bow, so somehow, Ra ndy a n d I got it i n o u r heads that a curtsey was a n a ppropriate ta u nt . It's stupid, but it ha ppened . ) ''Ah , look who decided to show u p ! " My s m a rt-assed sensei a n d one of my best friends i n the world sa id i n g reet i n g . " O h , come on," I re plied a s A n d rea waved h e l l o to Randy. "Like it's some big s u rprise." " Heya , D re ! " H e tossed back to A n d rea before h e ret u rned h is atte ntion to me. "Ye a h , I thought the th reat of a demotion would get you r ass m ov i n g ." " Demotio n?" A n d rea asked . "You d i d n 't say a nyth i n g a bout a demotion ." " I d i d n 't t h i n k I had to," I re plied, p u l l i n g off my sweat pants. A n d rea i m med iately went to s h i eld her eyes. "Andrea, I have my bottoms o n u n d e rneath," I q u i p ped . She u n covered her eyes and sm i l ed widely. " I j u st d i d n't want to be repulsed," she s a i d sma rtly, i l licit i n g a chuckle from Randy and the moron i n tow b e h i n d her, Greg. Ra ndy m a rched across the mat, h i s ba re feet slapping the wet vinyl a n d h a n d extended toward Greg i n g reet i n g . " H e y there, I'm-" " Ra n d y," I interrupted. "It's okay . . . you d o n 't have to g reet 129

Mentally Incontinent

h i m . He doesn't matter." I s m i l e d brightly at h i m , a n d t h e n tu rned completely a ro u n d so that h e w o u l d n 't see the newly acq u i red n i pple ri ngs as I took off my s h i rt. The last t h i n g I needed right then was a massive d e bate o n the respect of my body versus adornments u po n my perked teats. "Well," My sensei said, "If Peacock doesn't l i ke you, you g otta be a good g uy." He stu c k his h a n d back out a n d g reeted h i m once more . " Hey, I'm Randy." "Yo, whattup," Greg re plied, fol lowing it u p with a sl i ght upward nod and a clicking noise from h is mouth. "Okay," Ra ndy said, turning away from Greg as I slid my right arm into the to p of my j udog i , " I see what you mean now." "Yo," Greg said, i n s u lted . "Wh at's THAT s u p posed to-" "Gregory,"

I

i nterjected, waving at h i m . "No. Do NOT do that."

He looked at m e q u estion ing ly. "Do what?" " Be yourse lf," A n d rea s n i pped. "Seriou sly, you don't want to do that k i n d of s h it h e re . The g uys that a re going to be here ton ig ht d o n 't take k i n d l y to sma rtasses and cou ld flatten you easi ly." " O h , yeah?" G reg said with a cocky tone. "Yep," A n d rea sa i d . "Randy h e re is a n Olympic Gold Medal ist." " Not O l y m p i c . . . Nationals. Two-time," I added . Ra ndy looked at Greg, s m i rked, a n d ret u rned to m o p p i n g . "So," A n d rea co ntinued, "It's probably best if you j ust stay q u iet a n d sit i n . . . o h . . . That corn e r, over there." Greg scowled and sta m m e red, but eventu a l l y turned a n d beg a n to head across the room toward the corner A n d rea pointed at. Before he could take one step, however, I stopped h i m . ''Hey, Kris-Kross," I said loud ly. "A pparently, you are too stu pid to notice that both Ra ndy and I a re barefoot, and h e 's been mopping this mat s i nce we w a l ked i n ." "Yea h?" h e said, s h rug g i n g . "So?" "So, we g otta work on that mat you 're a bout to step o n . Ta ke your d a m n shoes off before you step o n it o r walk a round it. I don't need the d i rt from the bottom of yo u r stolen s n ea kers g round into my s k i n ." Greg then d i d the stupidest t h i n g I th i n k I've ever seen a nyone do . . . EVE R . H e looked over at Ra n dy, who stood q u ietly watch i n g , then looked back at me a n d s m irked. He then proceeded to l ift h i s N i ke-clad right foot, move it very slowly and pu rposefu l l y over the mat, a n d then place h i s fu l l weight down u pon it. H e then lifted h is l eft shoed foot 130

Ouch.

a n d proceeded to ree n a ct the same d e l i be rately d is respectful move. Before h e could even begin to lift h is foot for h is th i rd step, however, Ra ndy h a d a l ready crossed the mat a n d placed his rig h t h a n d o n the breast-side of Greg's oversized j a c ket, h i s left h a n d on Greg's ri ght wrist, a n d h i s left foot behind Greg's rig ht leg . He t h e n a pp l ied the s l i g htest a m o u nt of backwa rds pressure a n d i n a fla s h , Greg was on the mat, squirming i n response to the arm bar Ra ndy was a pplyi n g . It took nea rly h a lf a second for Greg to beg i n caterwa u l i n g , scre a m i n g a pologies a n d begg i n g for mercy. ''Are we clear o n why you don't cross a fres hy-cleaned J u d o mat w ith your shoes o n ? " I asked h i m , c i n c h i n g my brown belt around my waist a n d stra i g ht e n in g m y j u dog i . He violently shook h i s head i n the affi rmative. I looked at Ra ndy's bea m i n g face a n d nodded . He released the hold and Greg shot im mediately u p a n d off the mat, walking a ro u n d the perimeter to get to the corner he was i n structed to s it i n . "Don't feel too specia l , G regory," I said mock i n g ly. "That's sta n d a rd practice for a n yone w h o steps on the mat with their s h oes. New g u ys a n d old." "Jes us, Ra ndy," A n d rea sa i d . "You're losing yo u r tou c h . It took you three steps to get to h i m . W h at, you getti n g old?" "Hey, I had to cross the whole mat that tim e," he replied with a s m i l e . " Besides, I'm saving u p a l l my en ergy for Peacock here." " O h , you'll need it, old-tim er," I re plied. I bowed a n d stepped o n the mat to assist i n the tape-lay i n g . "Pretty s u re of yourse lf, m ister ' I have n 't been to practice i n two weeks.' You s u re you're u p to testing to n ight? ! ?" He tossed m e a ro l l of tape a n d a black S h a rpie ma rker. "You know I'm not going to g ive you a break . . . especi a l l y on a test." " O h , believe me," I s a i d . " I may be rusty, but I t h i n k I got you ton ig ht." "We l l , M r. Rusty," h e a n swere d . "You w a n n a get a stretch i n a n d get it over with now?" " Now? ! ?" I re plied. " S u re," he said with a s h ru g . "I t h i n k it'd be kind of cool for you to h ave your black belt o n when everyone else sh ows u p - IF you pass, that is." " But . . . But no one else is here yet. W h o w i l l j udge?" " I don't rea l ly t h i n k you need a j udge ... You k n ow w h at's a l lowed a n d w h at's not. Ore can keep time, a n d I t h i n k we can both co u n t to twenty w h e n I pin you ." "HAH !" I retorted . "You haven't p i n ned me since the first day

131

Mentally Incontinent

we worked out together. You KNOW I have you beat on the mat." "Is that so? We l l , get your stretch i n , b i g mouth ! Put you r money w h e re your mouth i s ! " H e s m i led wide at m e . I nodded a n d rolled backwa rd away from h i m a n d proceeded to get warmed u p . It was I M M E D IATELY a pparent with each stretch that my chest was nowhere nea r fu lly healed, as each movement bro u g h t with it a s m a l l touch of fire i n my n i pple. I was a ble to put it out of my m i n d , however. This was one of the most im portant t h i n g s I had ever done i n m y life, a n d as s u c h , I wasn't going to let a little t h i n g l i ke p a i n keep m e from doing my a bsolute best to ach ieve this goa l . I fi n is h ed my stretc h i n g , reti g hte n i n g my j u dogi to prevent my chest from being visible. Ra ndy had j ust fi nished t a p i n g the mat to denote the borders a n d was now stretc h i n g h im self, preparing for the u pcoming test matc h . I looked over at A n d rea who was s m i l i ng brightly at m e . Qu ickly, I stepped over i n her d i rection, bowed, and exited the mat. " Hey. . . n e rvous?" she asked. " N a h . . . not real ly," I re pl ied. "I'm p retty excited, actua lly.

I

fee l

good." " We l l , I don't t h i n k Ra n dy's g o i n g to cut you a n y slack . . . In fact, he's probably going to p u n i sh you for m issing as m u ch practice as you have." "Ya h , I e xpect that m u ch," I re p l ied . " But I have a l ittle move u p my sleeve that I don't t h i n k he's expect i n g ." "Oh yeah?" s h e re plied . " I d o n 't t h i n k you ca n rea l l y trick h i m , hon estly. I'd be careful if I were you ." Ra ndy's voice boomed from beh i n d us. " H ey, Peacock! Q u it fl irting with some oth e r g uy's g i rlfriend a n d get over here ! " "Yea h , m utha fucka ! " I heard G reg say from a d istant corner. Without loo king at h i m , I threw u p my h a n d a n d fl i p ped h i m off. "Good l u c k," A n d rea said as s h e h u gged m e . " H A H A ! I don't N E E D l u c k ! " I said loud ly. I looked u p at Ra n dy, who d ucked h is head and ch uckled. I bowed a n d returned to the mat, trotting ove r to my sense i . "You ready?" I a s ked h i m , w h ich was answered with a s l i g ht nod from a stone-cold face . I m i rrored Ra n d y's move me nts, placing feet at the start i n g l in e . Res pectfu lly, we bowed to one a nothe r (eyes down, not u p . Looking at your opponent as you bow is V E RY d isres pectfu l . . . The Karate Kid is b u l l s h it) . I i n h a led deeply a n d took my starting sta nce : feet shoulder with apart, left foot sl ightly back, right hand at shoulder

132

Ouch.

level a n d left h a n d at waist leve l . Ra n dy did the same, placing h is right foot well beh i n d h i s left and facing h i s left shou lder to m e . H e left both arms down a n d s m i l e d . "Start!" came a shout from A n d rea's d irection, and with that, we were off. Now, Randy a n d I had practiced aga inst one a nothe r th ree times a week for n e a rly two years. In that time, o n e gets to see from their opponent j u st a bout eve ry move in their repertoire at least one h u n d red times - and the truth is, there a re n 't that m a ny. G ra pplers tend to learn t h ree to fou r solid moves for each situation they a re in (sta n d i n g as well as o n the mat) a n d stick to them . They d ri l l them constantly, getti n g them down pat. Consequently, w h e n you practice a g a i nst the same person for a n extended period of time - regardless of skill - you learn how to h a n d l e every move they have. You know the i r t i m i n g , their weaknesses . . . and how best to exploit them. The tricky pa rt, however, i s that it works both ways . Ra ndy a n d I c i rcled each oth e r slow ly, each of us s i z i n g the other u p . We both hes itated more than we usually do, cautious not to s i m ply leap into a n attack, only to have it i m m e d iately cou ntered . I g i ngerly reached for the left wrist cuff of his judogi with my right h a n d , hop i n g to snag it q u ickly and perh a ps prepare h i m for a strong s i de-toss. It was no use, however, as he q u ickly jockied for position on my right wrist cuff. The two of u s s p u n each othe r's hands a ro u nd themselves for several seconds w h e n I s u d d e n ly felt the presence of his ri ght h a n d at the chest fold of my j udogi. I i m m ed i ately raised my left h a n d a n d began to separate h is fi ngers from the fabric, but it was too late. H i s h a n d was firmly affixed . In a n attempt to use it a g a i n st h i m , I folded my left a rm u n d e r his extended right arm and g ra bbed h i s g i j u st under the arm pit, t h e n q u ickly kicked my right foot i n between h i s pa rted legs. I then l ifted u p on h i s a rm with my bent left e l bow, ra ising h i s rig ht side off the mat mom entarily. Qu ickly, I p u l led h im to my left, h o p i n g to snag h i s posted left leg with my ri ght a n d topple h i m backward. It was a very amate u r move, however, as h e q u ickly cou ntered a n d attempted to place h i s right leg b e h in d my extended right leg, positi o ni ng for a h i p toss, w h i ch I co u ntered with my o w n . This went back and forth for nea rly two m i n utes . Each of u s would step in, attempt to t h row, retreat, a n d then cou nter o u r oppon ent's moves. Qu ickly, I decided to ch a n g e t hi n g s u p a bit and toss i n my "secret move." P u l l i n g a move from my old wrestling cata logue, I locked my right h a n d onto the left fold of his g i , shot my left knee between his legs a n d attempted to lift h i m u po n my s h o u ld e rs for a q u ic k Fire m a n 's Ca rry. Th is was a g i g a ntic m istake. 133

Mentally Incontinent

Placing my head so close to h is right arm, h e i m m ed i ately locked it a ro u n d my neck a n d d ropped to h i s knees, locking h i s rig h t hand into the left-side of the neck of my j u d og i . I was having the life slowly choked from m e . Determ i n ed not to g ive u p , I struggled m ig hti ly, reaching out for j u st a bout any piece of cloth ing I could g ra b . H is s k i l l was far too g reat; h e kept a n yth i n g useful out of m y rea c h . My oxygen s u p ply was ru n n i n g low, my eyes were beg i n n i n g to roll back i n my head and the world was beg i n n i ng to lose a l l co hesion. Sudden ly, I felt h i m release m e . ''You l u cky bastard," he a n n o u n ce d . "What?" I said, gasping for a i r. "Andrea just called 'time'. You are SO l u cky. . . You were a l m ost out." We broke for a bout ten seconds; j ust enough time to collect o u r thoug hts a n d place o u rselves back on o u r starting l i nes. I g la nced a ro u n d the m a keshift dojo to see that several of the g u ys had a l ready arrived for practice a n d were watc h i n g my test. One of the brown belts, Jason, gave a q u ick 'th u m bs-up' for m e . I retu rned it with a q u ick wave, then took my place at my starting l i n e . I struck my pose a n d Ra ndy struck his, and before I could even t h i n k, A n d rea s h outed "Sta rt !" Aga i n , we circled one a nothe r l i ke wild dogs p repa ring to leap for the j ug u l a r. U n l ike last time, we were both m u ch faster with o u r initial attacks, Ra ndy d iving i n q u ickly for a n over-the-shou lder toss. I twisted my opposite h i p toward h i m a n d thwarted it, s l i d i n g my left foot between h i s legs a n d hooking his right leg behi nd the knee. From be h i n d us, I co u ld hear sho uts of " N ice move ! " and "Good reverse stick it!" I hopped once, twice, three times i n a n attempt to force h i m over backwards - no d ice. Rea l izing it was now futile to cont i n u e , I removed my leg from a ro u n d h i s a n d adopted a more sturdy stance. But that's w h e n h e p u l led out the b i g g u n s . J u st as I had prepared a "secret move" to p u l l on Ra n dy, he had one i n store for me. It is cal led 'Tomoe Nage' ('Circle Throw' or 'stomach throw' i n E n g l i s h ) . Tra d itional ly, the t h row is executed by g ri p p i n g with both h a n d s the opponent's outer e l bow, dropping to the mat between their legs with one foot fi rmly pla nted on their pelvis o r i n their stomach, and rol l i n g backwards, ca u s i n g the o p ponent to fl i p comp letely over you a n d l a n d o n you r back. It i m med iately scores Ippon , o r "fu l l point" - which i s a l l that i s n eeded to win a J u d o match . The trick to Randy's To moe Nage, however, is that he d i d n't g ra b my e l bows. With h i s bottom ra pidly a pproaching the mat a n d h i s foot a l ready o n my pelvis, h e stretched u p q u ickly a n d seized, with both h a nds, the chest of my j udogi - and with it, both n i pple rings. It a l l ha ppened i n u ltra-slow motion . I could feel my mouth 134

GAHHHHHHH! OUCH!

stretch w i d e into a n agonizing pose as my l u n g s shot t h e i r entire capacity across my vocal cords, causing them to v i b rate w i l d l y. A tortured scream poured forth from my throat as Ra ndy rolled onto his back, clinched h is hands tightly a ro u n d my n i pples a n d kicked his foot u pward . I left my feet a n d went a i rborne, s a i l i n g slowly over Randy. My feet went over my head as I rotated two h u n d red a n d seventy degrees, my back para l l e l to the g rou n d . Ra n dy's c l i nched fists re mai ned tightly wrapped u p i n my g i , holding the piercings i n place as the rest of my body separated from them, desce n d i n g toward a n d eventua lly co l l i d i n g with mat below. The pain was u n be l ieva ble. It felt l i ke Satan h i mself stood over me, s i n ki n g a red-hot pitchfork d i rectly into my chest. I cou l d n 't th i n k, I co u l d n 't cry, I co u ld n 't talk. Noth i n g intelligible came out, warning Ra ndy - or a n yo n e else - that somet h i n g rea lly bad had j u st occurred. As such, Ra ndy q u ickly followed u p his very successful t h row by rol l i n g backwards o n top of me, prepa ring to pin m e . However, h e i m m ed iately let u p once h e saw the sym metrical red spots across my chest. " Holy. . ." h e said, sta ring at me i n d isbelief. "Oh my G O D ! PEACOC K ! Are you okay, m a n ? " I could say noth i n g i n reply, save for the how l i n g that poured fou rth u n contro l l a bly a n d the consta n t demands that God put m e out of my m isery. I looked u p to see a crowd form i n g arou n d me. S u d d e n ly, I heard A n d rea's voice i n the backg ro u nd, asking what was gomg o n . •

" S h it,

I

d u n n o ! " Randy rep l i e d . " H e 's bleed i n g ! "

She squatted down a n d opened the g i . Blood was oozing out from both n i pples, sta i n i n g my fresh ly-bleached g i a m i g hty cri m so n . "Oh my God ! " she crie d . " H i s n i pple ri ngs ! " " N ipple rings? ! ? "

I

heard at least ten people excla i m .

"What the H ELL is h e doing with ' n i p ple rings'?" Ra n dy dema nded to know. H e looked back down at my broken a n d bloody body. "What the h e l l a re you doing with ni p p l e ri n gs? ! ?" ''Well," A n d rea bega n . "It a l l started with this stu p i d bet . . . " " O h , hells yea h ," I h e a rd Greg excl a i m over my m oa n i n g . "That bitch tried to s h ow m e u p gettin' them n i pple pierces . . . WHO looks st u p id NOW, Bit- GAAAAACK ! " rolled my head around to see Jason, the other brown belt, choking G reg s i l ly. Thou g h it h u rt l i ke h e l l to do so, I began to c h uckle. "Fucking - O W ! Retard . . ." I m uttere d . I

"Sounds l i ke he's still h i mse lf," A n d rea re pl ied . She looked down at m e . "You okay?" 135

Mentally Incontinent

"What the H ELL does it look l i ke?" I asked, clutching both of my pectora ls as tightly as I cou l d . "It looks l i ke someone was stupid enough to wear n i p ple rings to a Judo practice," Randy caustically re plied. " Not to mention that someone was stupid enough to get pierced n i pples i n the first place." " We l l , i n h i s defe n se, he D I D get a lot of m o n ey for it," A n d rea re plied mee kly. The crowd j u st stood t h e re watc h i n g me roll a ro u n d and bleed a l l over the mat. "Shit . . . I g uess we'd better do somet h i n g ," Ra n dy sa i d . " M a rk, Da n ny. . . " H e said, pointi n g at Mark, then Da n ny. "Go get some towels and some ice. Jason, let the ra p star go. A n d rea . . . " "Yea h?" she i m m ed i ately repl ied . ''Go and find a n ice boy for Joe, for when he recovers . . . O n e who l i kes n i pple rings," he q u i pped with a s m i r k . "Fucke r. . . " I squeeked out. " O h , hey A n d rea . . ." "Yes?" she said between c h u ckles. "Don't worry if h e l i kes n i pple rings . . . " I re plied jokingly. "I don't have them a nymore ."

136

A n d beca use you a l l a s ked, t h i s

on us or

F i n a l ly expl a i ns how A n d rea a n d I got tog ether.

Mentally Incontinent

P u re Ga rbage After writing t h e previous story ("Ouch," starring G re g n i lla Ice, for those of you who don't read stories i n order), I was a s ked by several people how it was that A n d rea a n d I went from being friends to be i n g ma rried. In fact, a l l of the stories I wrote for the website part of the project take place either before and after the moment A n d rea a n d I got together. We ll, the reason I never told the story a bout HOW we got together i s because I never wanted it to g o u p to a vote. It wou ld have broken my heart to see the most i m portant story i n my l ife lose to a nother story based o n the merits of h u mo r o r overa l l mass a ppea l . So, s i nce I'm the g u y writing this t h i n g , I get to put it i n w h e rever I wa nt to. And this is w h e re I chose to put it. So there. Anyway, I have been i n love with my wife s i nce the day we met. Th is is not a n exaggeration o r "rose colored glasses loo king down the long road of h i n d s i g ht" or '' kiss i n g her ass" - Everyone w h o knew m e a ro u n d the t i m e that we met knew I had it BAD for A n d rea . The th i n g is, I d i d n 't . O r, at least, I refused to a d rnit it to myse lf. We became friends sh ortly after we met, when I took one of A n d re a 's friends to her Senior Prom ( a n d let m e tell you , that was a BLAST . . I skipped my Senior Prom because I s i ncerely and utterly despised the entire concept, so going to one at a d iffe rent school two years after g rad uation was n 't exactly i n my Top Te n Th ings To Do With My Time . . . But A n d rea made it beara b l e ) . And rea l l y, I was o kay with be i n g frie n ds, so long as it meant spend i n g time with h e r. I was not, however, okay with ANY of the g uys she date d . Ever. At ALL. They were a l l total lose rs . . . Because they weren't M E . I knew I co uld treat h e r right, and I felt l i ke s h e deserved someone w h o would pu l l s u n l i g ht from th i n a i r a n d put it i n a jar to d i s play on her ma ntle for a l l to see, if th at's what she asked for. And that's why I loved ( a n d love) h e r so m u ch - s he'd never a s k for that. And if s h e ever d i d , I'd do it i n a heartbeat. Now, if you asked H ER, she'd tell you a s i m i l a r story a bout her fee l i n g s for m e . She'd say s h e was i n love with me from the moment we met, a n d that s h e was a lways u n h a ppy with my ch oice of g i rlfri ends ( but that does n 't prove a n yth i n g - even I was u n ha ppy with my choice of g i rlfriends) . Accord i n g to h e r, she knew we'd e n d u p happily m a rried a n d ra ising lots of cats one day. She j u st had to bide her time, waiting u nt i l we both were s i n g le to m a ke h e r move.

138

Pure Garbage

Yea h , rig ht. That sounds good and a l l . .. But it's p u re ga rbag e . So what was the REAL moment she fel l i n love with me? We l l , I n the m iddle of October i n 1998, a band named Ga rbage ca m e to town . Now, d u ring t h is t i m e , Garbage had a few h its in the top 1 0 of the B i l l boa rd c h a rts . They were big by the sta n d a rds of those days, s e l l i n g out every concert they played. And w h e n they came thro u g h Atla nta , I convinced A n d rea to go with M i ke a n d me to see them. The n i g ht before the concert, Ga rbage held an i n-store s i g n i ng at the Tower Records i n Buc khead . I d i d n't have m uch to do that n i g ht, so I asked M i ke if he was inte rested i n com i n g . Su rprise, su rprise . . . H e w a s ! For me, a cha nce to meet Butch Vig - the best producer of the 90's without q u estion, with a l b u m s l i ke N i rv a n a 's " N everm ind" a n d Smashing P u m p k i n s ' "Sian1ese D re a m " to h i s credit - was a d ream come tru e . But for M i ke , it was all about S h i rley Manso n . He had this insane little p u p py cru s h o n her a n d co u l d n 't pass u p a n opportunity to s h a ke h e r h a n d a n d have her s i g n h i s Driver's License. A n d rea was s u p posed to meet us for the autograph session . . . But a las, Greg decided that " meeti ng some band fronted by some bitch" wasn't a big e n o u g h priority in h is l ife, t h u s it co u l d n 't be one i n A n d rea's. And of cou rse, I had to ca l l her w h i l e i n the a utograph l i n e to re m in d her that she was passing u p a n awesome opportun ity to meet a n awesome band beca use s h e was dating a n a bsolute freak of nature . "Yea h , I know," s h e respo nded. "So why d o n 't you just leave there?" I a s ke d . "Come o n u p here . . . They'll be here for a little w h i l e , accord i n g to the s i g n s ." "Joe . . . " s h e said. "What?" She sighed . "You know I ca n 't d o that." " We l l w h y the hell not?"

I

a s ked .

" Beca u s e ! You know how he is . . ." she re pl ied. "Yea h," I scoffe d , " I know EXACTLY how h e i s . . . W h ich is why you s h o u ld come u p here ! " " I wish I co u ld ," she re plied. "But you know as well as I do, if I d i d that, he'd j u st spend the rest of the n ig ht cry i n g a bout how m uch more I l i ke you than h i m ." "We l l , it's true, isn't it?" I

I

said with a s m i l e .

could hear h e r blush over the phone. "Come on, now."

"What?" I s a i d , prodd i n g her. "Of C O U RS E I l i ke you," s h e said. "You're one of my best 139

Mentally Incontinent

friends." I stayed q u iet. Her theatrics over the love letter she fou n d from Kat a w h i l e back d ispelled a n y m i rage s h e may have been putt i n g u p a bout her fee l i ngs for m e . "Joe . . . " "Yea h?" I sa i d . "Stop it." "Stop w h at?" "I'm not doing t h is with you again," she stated with a huff. " Doing W H AT a g a i n ? " I asked, knowing fu lly well that she was ta lking a bout the h int-laden q u estion a n d a nswer session I'd been putting her t h rough recently reg a rd i ng our re lation s h i p . "You k now EXACTLY. . ." s h e paused for a moment, then said, not to me, "What?" I heard G re g in the backg ro u n d . "Get off the phone, I g otta talk with you ." "Can it wait?" she asked . " N u h u h . . . Na w," he said . " I gotta ta l k to you l i ke now and s h it." "Joe?" s h e said into the rece iver. "Go," I state d . " Listen to your future h us ba n d , l i ke a good wife." I ca ckled. She g roaned a n d h u n g u p the p h o n e . " S h e com i n g ? " I heard M i ke ask fron1 be h i n d m e . "Wha . . . O h , no," I said, t u rn i n g to face h i m . "Her kee per has h e r for the n i g ht." " O h , well," he s a i d . "At least H E 'S not u p here with us." I cou l d n 't a rg u e with that. It was a real shame that A n d rea d i d n't come, however, because meeting Ga rbage was a real treat. They took the time to a n swer o u r q u estions w h i l e s i g n i n g the free posters a n d CD S i n g les they were g iving away. I extended my h a n d to Butch Vig, who looked m e i n the eye as he shook it. I said no less tha n 2 0 times that I t h o u g ht he was the most talented a n d a mazing prod ucer of o u r time, each time rece iving what felt l i ke a very s i ncere tha n ks from this m a n whom I respected . The whole time I was sucking u p to Butc h , M i ke was doing the exact same thing to S h irley M a n s o n , who accepted h i s dot i n g i n stride. S h e s ig n ed h i s copy of the l i m ited edition LP from her old band, Ange lfish, and even co m m e nted that it was extre m e ly rare to see a copy of it in the U S, wh ich made h i m feel aweso m e .

140

Pure Garbage

Eve ntual ly, we exited the l i n e so that the other legions of fan boys co u l d have their s h ot at getting a n autog ra p h . We d iscussed briefly options for the rest of the eve n i n g , a n d co u l d n 't really come u p with a nything to do. And w h i l e I was sta n d i ng there ru n n i n g th rough the options for o u r eve n i n g , a crazy idea popped into my head . I'd b rought my perso n a l co m puter to work that day because I needed to use some of my own personal software to complete a project. It was sti l l i n the car. H m m . . . I wonder... "You th i n k they wou ld?" M i ke asked . " I d u n no," I re plied, m a rching to my car. " But I'm gonna try." I snagged the tower from the back seat and went back into the store, ta k i n g my place at the end of the very short re m a i n d e r of the l i n e . As the last of the people i n the queue made their way down the ta ble to each band m e m be r, I reached the band and placed my co m puter in front of the m . " U h . . ." Butch Vig said. "What's this?" "This is my co m p u te r," I a nswere d . "Yea h," h e re plied, " I ca n see that." h e looked at me, visually cu e i ng me to tell h i m what the h e l l it was doing on the table i n front of him. "We l l , I was kinda hoping you g uys would s i g n it," I said . They a l l looked at o n e a n oth e r. With a s h rug, they a g reed. "You know," S h i rley said, "This i s defin itely a first for m e ." "What," I asked, "You've never signed a nother ma n's tower befo re?" " We l l , not with a pen," s h e said with a coy s m i l e . The rest of the band got a kick out of it as we l l . The more Butch stared at h i s s i g nature on the side panel of my com pute r, the more h e began to l a u g h at the sheer a u dacity of my bringing it t h e re . "I j u st have to say th is," Sh irley said i n her s u ltry Scottish brogue, walking a ro u n d the side of the ta ble to stand i n front of m e . "You, s i r, are a FUCKING l u natic !" She extended her arms and gave me a very friend ly, non-contextua l h u g , knowing it was a big thrill for m e . She t h e n walked over to M i ke a nd did the s a m e for h i m . We cou l d n 't bel ieve it. This was the coolest thing ever. . . And then i t got even cooler. Ga rbage's tou r m a nager w a l ked u p to us, a pparently by the auth ority of Butch who I saw waving h i m over, a n d ha nded us two backstage passes to the show for the next n ig ht. A l m ost i m m e d iate ly, 141

Mentally Incontinent

we looked at one a n other with a g rave look. Neither of u s had to a u d i b l y ask the q u estion that was o n both of o u r m i n d s : What a bout A n d rea? We d i d n 't know w h at to do, a n d loo k i n g back on it, I t h i n k we made the right decision i n not a s k i n g for more. It's a pretty big honor for a ba n d to g ive stra n g e rs i n a stra n g e city backstage passes to their show, a n d to ask for fu rther courtesy is j u st plain wrong . So we s m iled, accepted o u r trophies for being o ri g i n a l a n d cute with the com puter/a utogra p h t h i n g , a n d went o n home. cou l d n 't bring myself to tell A n d rea that we'd scored the passes, because I knew that she'd feel bad either way : If M ike and I went backstage, s h e 'd feel left out, a n d if we d i d n 't, s h e'd feel l i ke s h e was holding us back. So I j ust kept it a little secret . . . U nt i l now, w h e re I've written it i n a book sold worldwide for a l l to read (su rprise, A n d re a ! ! ! ) . I

The next n i g ht, we a l l headed to the s h ow : Me, M i ke, and A n d rea, who were a l l very very excited to see the band perform, and Greg, who wou l d n 't stop talking from the moment h e got i n the car. " M a n , t h is s h it is gon na be whack," he s a i d i n h i s rid iculous fa u x-ga ngster twa n g . " S h ut up, G reg," I d e m a nded . "You d o n 't even k n ow what these guys sou n d l i ke." "I know they be h a v i n ' a d a m n bitch u p front s i n g i n '," he s a i d . "Bands with wom a n s i n g e rs can't be THAT good . . . " "Then why the H E LL d i d you come?" M i ke s n a pped . "You did n't have to, you k n ow . . . You could have j ust stayed home and mastu rbated to a poster of Va n i l l a Ice o r somet h i n g . A n d besides, S h i rley M a n so n isn't a bitch . S h e 's a lovely wo m a n ." Greg made t h is little sucking noise with h is teeth, then s n eere d . " M a n , s h ut u p, n igga," h e said to Mike. " I t h i n k you m e a n M ick," I corrected, seeing as how M i ke is fu l ly Irish Cat holic a n d not, as Greg inaccurately a n d vu lgarly described, black. It took a bout 3 0 m i n utes to get to the v e nue , a n ot her ten or so to get parked, a n d a bout ten to w a l k to the door - and the entire time, he would not shut the hell u p a bout how a ny band with a g i rl singer has to suck a n d how he'd much rather be with his " boyz" shooting d i ce or playing domi noes or w h atever. We j u st w i s hed h e 'd get h it by a street sweeper a n d be out of o u r lives fo rever. The concert . . . Noth i n g short of fantastic. The energy i n the bu i l d i n g was asto u n d i n g , and Ga rbage put on a n AMAZING show. The m usic sounded a l most stu d io-like i n it's q u a l ity, and watc h i n g Butch 142

Pure Garbage

Vig play the d rums was a rea l ly w i c ked experience. More than once, M i ke turned to m e and expressed how tota l ly a n d utterly in love h e was with S h i rley Manson. Wh ile I a g reed that she was pretty and sang well, I knew that the real object of my affection stood not a foot away from m e . We bounced and we j u mped and we d a n ced o u r little hearts out. A n d rea and I ended u p dancing together a few times, pissing G reg off each time ( w h ic h , to be honest, ended u p being the point of doing so). Yea h , it was kind of a b u m m e r not to g o backstage, b u t you know what? We were here a n d we were having a g reat t i m e , a n d that's a l l that mattered. We l l , that, a n d we were pissing G reg off, w h ich was a total bo n u s . The band left for a rest before their encore. Greg sat down on the floor and folded his a rms, pissed off that h e was the only little ra i n cloud i n the entire b u i l d i n g . W h e n they ca m e back out, S h i rley grabbed the m ic a n d introduced the ba n d . Everyone cla pped a n d yelled and cheered a s D u ke , Butch, Steve a n d , of course, S h i rley were i ntrod uced . Th e n she went into how m u c h fu n the b a n d had at the i n -store s i g n i n g session the n ig ht before. She th a n ked the local rad io station for putting it on a n d ta lked a bout how cool it was to meet a n d g reet the fans that ca m e out . . . "And h ey," s h e said, "Where's that fu cking l u n atic that had m e sign h i s com puter??" The crowd g rew s i lent as S h irley sca n ned the crowd. A spotlight began wh i p p i n g a ro u n d o u r heads, sea rching out that l u n atic. .. ME. Not one to be shy, I ra ised my a rms and waved them back and fort h . "Th e re you a re ! " s h e yelled, pointing at m e . The s potl ight locked on my position, and everyone i n the crowd began cla p p i n g . "Come on u p h e re ! " s h e becko n ed . I obliged. "This g u y... " S h irley said as I hopped on stage, " H e 's a nutter, this o n e . H e actu a l l y b rought a COMPUTER to be signed ! Isn't that insane?" The crowd yelled and cheered . . . Exactly why, I'm not s u re . But they d i d , a n d it was neat. Butch came out from b e hi nd h i s drum kit a n d sla pped m e on the back, a n d I once a g a i n shook the h a n d of one of my rock and roll h e roes . W h e n I ret u rned to the crowd, everyone was slapping m e on the back a n d saying "Good job, b u d d y ! " They s m i led a nd laughed a n d thought it was j u st the coolest thing i n the world that I brought a co m puter to be s ig ned by a ba n d . Rea lly, though . . . If Ga rbage h a d n 't gone for it a n d actua l ly thought it was fu n , I'd have j u st been a rea l ly, real ly, REALLY h u g e retard with a n u n n a t u ra l atta c h m e nt to both a 143

Mentally Incontinent

ba nd a n d his co m pute r. I returned to the s pot w h e re my g a n g stood. M i k e slapped me on the back, a n d A n d rea stepped u p to h u g me, o n ly to be cut off by S u cka M C h i m self, G re g . "Yo! ! ! " he said, putting h is a rm a ro u n d m e . "Yo u 'z my boy ! " he turned a n d looked out at the people a ro u n d us. "YO ! Th is here, this is my boy ! " he exclaimed e m phatica l ly. "Your BOY?" I said i n d isbel ief. "What the . . ." Before I could fi n i s h , A n d rea had wrapped her arms a ro u n d me a n d was squeezing the life from me, a n d I tota l ly a n d co m p l etely forgot a bout G reg . . . And the crowd . . . And Ga rba ge. I forgot a bout sta n d i n g a n d breat h i n g a n d t h i n king a n d a nyth i n g else that d istracted me from getting a h u g e h u g from this g i rl I'd been i n love w it h s i nce the moment I met h e r. But that's not when s h e fell i n love w ith m e . She fell i n love with m e after the concert was over, when we were leaving the show a n d Greg called EVERY SINGLE PERSON he knew and told them how " H i s best frie n d " j u st "hooked u p with this famous ba n d a n d s h it" a n d totally became a s u perstar a n d a l l th is cra p . We kept taking breaks re m in isci n g a bout the awesome events of the eve n i n g to s i g h and gi g g l e at G re g 's i n s i stence that h e was somehow involved i n the whole th i n g . She rea lized, "Why would I want to be with the g u y who calls a l l his friends to tell them how H I S friend met Ga rbage, w h e n I co u l d j ust be with that g u y h i m self?" It had not h i n g to d o with how I treated h e r, or how much respect I gave her, o r how charming I was. No. It was the fact that I totally got my computer s i g ned by Ga rbage a n d got to be o n stage with them. It had to be, because why else would she have stayed with G reg a l l that time, w h e n I was cont i n u a lly being me a n d doing a l l the Joe-l i ke t h i ngs I'm known for do i ng ? Nope, it had to be the Ga rbage t h i n g . And if she tells you diffe rent, j ust la u g h a n d s m i l e a n d know that s h e 's j u st trying to cover her tracks. We a l l went a n d had a bite to eat. Aga i n , M i ke and A n d rea and I were la u g h i n g a n d ta l k i n g and having a g reat time, and Greg j ust sat on his cell phone and lived vicariously t h rough m e i n a bid to show off to his thug friends. A n d rea j ust sighed a n d gave me a look, l i ke "Oh well. . . W h at ca n you do?" A n d I ret u rned one saying " B REAK U P WITH HIS RI DICULOUS GANGSTER WANNABE ASS !" It tota l ly worked. Wh ich i s weird, beca use it hasn't worked since. I cont i n u a l ly g o a ro u n d and g ive people looks s u ggesting w h at it is I want them to do, l i ke " G IV E M E YO U R MONEY!" or "GO FUCK YO U RSELF WITH A RA K E ! " a n d they never do. Maybe it's l i ke a latent m utant power or someth i n g 144

Pure Garbage

a n d only works w h e n the conditions a re right. Anyway, a bout a week after the concert, I was sitting i n the living room of the house I s h a red with m y sister, her fiancee J o n , a n d M i k e . I had the house a l l to myself and noth i n g to d o except play the brand new, s u pe r mega h it g a m e Metal Gear Solid, wh ich I had been doing p retty m u ch the entire week before. I was j u st at the point w h e re I was going to k i l l the last Metal Gear robot - the crow n i n g ach ievement of over 40 h o u rs of g a m e t i m e - w h e n the phone ra n g . * RI N G *

Nope. Not gonna answer. You sure ?

Yep. I'm sure. What if it's important?

What could possibly be more important than beating this game?? * RI N G * What if it's an emergency?

Don't care. Don't care ? ! ? It could be serious!

Look, I'm about to beat Metal Gear Rex. I've invested more than a week in this game. I'm not stopping. Whoever it is on the other end can just wait. * RI N G * What if it's your mom ?

... What if it is? So what? Well, what if someone in the family has died, and she's calling to tell you? What if they're laying in a hospital bed as you sit here jiggling the con troller and trying - for the fifth time today - to beat this stupid robot?

Well, I will mourn their loss shortly after I dance the sweet victory dance of beating Metal Gear Solid before any of my friends. But for now, nothing - and I mean NOTHING - is 145

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going to stop me from beating this damn game. That's pretty callous of you.

I think it's pretty callous of whoever it is trying to cal l me to think they're important enough to take me away from this incredible game. * RI N G * What if it's Andrea ? • • •

Gotcha there, didn't I?

Cheap shot. Total cheap shot. With a q u ic k press of the pause button, I leapt off the fl oor a n d s n atched the receiver from the wall- mou nted cradle j ust na noseconds before the a nswering machine picked u p . " H e llo?" " * s n i ff* *so b * Joe?" A n d rea said in a crackly voice. Ha! Told you! Aren 't you glad you listened to me now??

Shadd up. " Hey, a re you o kay?" I asked, conce rne d . "Yea h," she re plied . " I j ust d u m ped G reg." I paused for a moment. "Wait- then why the hell are you crying?" I asked . "This is a cause for celebratio n ! " She l a u g h e d . I went over there i m med iately to console h e r and let her know everyt h i n g would be fi n e , w h ich took a l l of a bout, o h , seventeen seconds or so, as Greg wasn't a particularly d ifficult person to get over. Everyone had known for months that this was co m i n g , a n d the o n l y reason it h a d n 't happened ea rlier is because A n d rea was suffering from w h at a l l of us, at one point o r a n other, have suffered though i n a relationsh i p : I -don't-know-how-to-get-out-of-th is-without-a - h uge­ fig ht-so- I'd-rathe r-j ust-suffer-with- it-for- now-itis. But now that Greg was out of the picture . . . We ll. . . What ha ppened next is a story I reserve for only myse lf.

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Yea h , I know. You wanna hear a bout the t h i ngs we d i scussed a n d how we rea l ized we were meant to be together a n d o u r first kiss . . . But no. That time is the most special a n d i m portant time in my life, ra n ki n g j u st barely above the day she said " I do" and we became h usba n d and wife. There's practica l ly noth i n g I won't s h a re with you g u ys, and I'm very g lad for the opportun ity to regale you with a l l of my oth e r ta les of m y ha rrow i n g , sometimes e m ba rrassing a n d sometimes e n l i g htening adventu res. A n d i n this i n stance, I rea l ly enjoyed tel l i ng you how it was that we became a cou ple. But the deta i ls ... Those a re m in e .

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WIN N E R

The M otherboa rd Chron icles ( Pa rts 1 7 )

# of Votes

58°/o ( 267)

-

Other Stories Romance.net ( 1 - 1 5 ) Joey P's On The Backup FireQuest

# of Votes 27% ( 1 24) 1 3% (60) 2%

(8)

M y com ments: Th is was without a dou bt the most fiercely contested chapter of the entire project. Yes, The Motherboard C h ron icles won by more than double the n u m ber of votes of Rom a nce. Net, but there were ( a n d sti l l a re ) some fo lks who fo ught tooth a n d n a i l to get Roma nce. Net into the boo k . W h e n we held the first "Wildcard C h a pter" vote, it won by a landslide, but a las, it's a l most 1 0 0 pages a l l by itse lf, so it's out. Maybe one day, I'll m a ke it it's own book o r someth i n g . The Motherboard Chon icles flew across the i nternet a I most fa ster tha n The Wa i - M a rt Sto ry. I've gotten e m a i l s from several com pa n ies stating that they use it as a n exa m ple of what can h a p pe n w h e n a customer becomes sufficiently d issatisfi e d . That wasn't my i ntention at a l l (I j u st wanted to m a ke people l a u g h at my pa i n ) , but m a n . . . I'm h o n o red .

Reader comments : have a friend who is tech s u p po rt for D e l l . H e passed t h is story a round work a n d they a l l looked u p the logs. I d i d n't believe Joe at first, but now I'm very very s u re, so you a l l should be too !"

"I

-Midknight "Wow. You have so m e horri bly bad l u ck, my friend."

-Andros

The Motherboard Chronicles

The M otherboard Chronicles I. Setting A Sta ndard I believe I a m q u ite safe i n saying that even third g rade students u n de rsta n d that seven to ten business days is very clea rly NOT e q u ivalent to two month s . Th is ass u m ption has lead m e to another ass u m ptio n : every s i n g l e person working at Dell Co m p u te r Corporation has a s u b-th i rd-grade ed ucati o n . E ither that, or they a re truly g ifted beings from another d i mension who have ha rnessed the a b i l ity to d i stort a l l time and s pace, thus exte n d i n g a l l measures of time to at least eight times longer than it a ppears to u s morta ls. "Airig hty, M r. Peacock," I can clearly re m e m be r hearing the incred ibly exasperated sa les representative say, "Yo u r order has been placed for a new I n s p i ron 8500, it should be a rriving within seven to ten busi ness days." " H m m . . ." I muttered alou d . "Is there a ny way I co uld pay extra a n d have it expedited? I really need it for work. You see, my current laptop is-" " No s i r," the Dell d u d e sighed, cutti n g me off. "Seven to ten business days is as fast as we ca n get it out. It has to be bu ilt, tested, prepared a n d s h i pped." "Oh . . . okay, u m . . . I g uess that's why I chose Dell i n the first place, right? The co m m itment to a q u a l ity product a n d , you know, a l l of that . . ." I let loose a slight c h u ckle i n an attempt to bring a little levity to the situation a n d end it on a good note. I received noth i n g in ret u r n . "So u m . . . I g u ess I'll have to wait for it, t h e n . Wait - I have a q u esti o n . W h e n would my wa rranty start on it?" "Well," h e forced out with a huff, "You bought it today, so it starts today." " But I won't have the mach i n e for at least a n other week . . . That does n 't m a ke any sense. Don't you g uys pro-rate it or someth i n g ? " " We l l , n o sir," the clerk a ud i bly sneered . " Beca use there's n o re l ia ble way to determ i n e when you r m a c h i n e w i l l be delivered to you ." I pondered this for a moment. " Do n 't I have to g o o n l i n e a n d register it or somet h i n g ? " The clerk, without sto p p ing to t h i n k for even a seco n d , replied "Yes s i r. But that's not re lia ble. You could wait a few weeks to register 'It . II

I had a l ready been on the p h o n e for over a n hour ordering t h is 149

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st u p id t h i n g . I rea l l y d i d n't feel l i ke a rg u i ng a nymore. " Fi n e . But it w i l l defin itely be here i n seven to ten days, rig ht?" " O h , s u re, absol utely," he lied. "Is there a nyth ing else I ca n do for you today?" " No, I g u ess that's it," I said passively. "Th a n k you very-" "Okay, tha n k you for your o rder, a n d have a good day." "O kay, you have one as -" *click* " - well. . ." About five days had gone by w h e n I first atte m pted to check the status of my order w ith the handy dandy code the sa les d u d e had given me. I h it www. d e l l . co m , entered my information, and clicked ' S u b m it'. After a few seconds, the rich a n d varied blues on the website sat i n stark contrast to a bright red string of text that had a ppeared, notify i n g that the system thought I was a big fat l i a r a n d no s u ch order n u m be r existed . Why, t h i s s i m ply cannot be right! ca lled Dell to p rove to myself that this was merely a lag in the system, or a m iswritten n u m be r ( w h ich is far too co m m o n a n occurrence, g iven that I suffer from a m i l d form of Dysca lcu l i a , o r "Dyslexia, but with n u m be rs," and as s u c h , I tend to tra nspose n u m bers q u ite badly w h e n I write them, wh ich is why I use a keyboard for 9 9 . 44°/o of eve ryt h i n g I do) - a nything that would expla i n that my badly-needed l a pto p was actu ally on the assem bly l i n e a n d o n l y a few days away from being nestled safely i nto a foa m - padded box a n d sh ipped to my doorstep. Unfortun ately, the Dell representative sadly confirmed the utter a n d complete lack of any order placed by m e to them at a ny time ever. I

"We l l , can you track it by my phone n u m ber?" I pleaded in the hope that, s i nce my name, m a i l i n g a d d ress and e m a i l d i d n 't work, it wou ld be the magic key to locating t h is lost - yet accord i n g to American Express, paid for - order. " S i r, I a lready have," she replied q u ite patiently. you r order does not exist i n o u r system."

"I

assure you,

" But m a 'a m , the cha rg e has gone t h rou g h . I a m looking at my state ment o n l i n e rig h t now, and American Express shows a charge from Dell for the exact a m o u n t that a new Inspiron 8500 would cost. S u re ly there is some record of that money fl owing into yo u r co m pa n y somewhere ." " U m m . . . " she sa i d , tapping a few keys, " H ere, why don't you give m e the tra nsaction refe rence from your credit card state m e nt?" And so I d i d . "Wow . . ." she said after e n tering it i n . " U h oh . . . that doesn't sound l i ke a good 'wow'," I replied, a l l hope of rece iving the laptop i n a timely m a n n e r slowly oozing out of 1 50

The Motherboard Chronicles

me thro u g h my feet and soa king into the carpeti n g . " U m . . . It's not . . . hold o n j ust a mome nt, please," and s h e placed me on hold, w h e re Rich a rd M a rx beg a n sere n a d i n g m e about some moro n ic happening in Hazzard Co unty. J u st as he was reaching the part a bout the fat d u de m u rd e ri n g the young g i rl, the sa les operator a ppeared once more . " U m . . . M r. Peacock, u m . . . your lapto p was s h i p ped out yesterday-" "It was ? ! ?" I res ponded in shock. "Wow, that's g reat!" " U m m , s i r? U m m ... It wasn't sent to, u m ... to yo u ." It took a second for what she had said to register. Once it d id , a throb b i n g beg a n i n my head a n d everyth i n g went bright wh ite. " U m m . . . O kay . . . We l l , the n , who was it sent to?" "It seems, s i r, that it went out to a M r. Sta n d a rd ? M ister J . Sta n d a rd?" "Wait - who? Who the h e l l is J . Sta n dard?" " S i r, I'm so very sorry for this m ix-u p-" " M ix- u p? This is a m i x-up? No, dear, putting two tables poons of salt i n a recipe that ca lls for s u g a r is a m ix-up. This . . . Is tru ly something a ltogether d iffere n t." " S i r, I d o n 't know how this ha ppened-" "Ya h , me eith e r, s i n ce 'Sta n dard' neither looks nor sounds a n yth i n g at a l l l i ke ' Peacock'." " We l l , rest ass u red, s i r, we w i l l do eve ryt h i n g we ca n to get you r l a ptop into your h a n d s as soon as poss i ble-" "What? What do you mea n?" " We l l , s i r, we need to contact M r. Sta n d a rd and have h i m send the machine back, and then we can send it out to you ." " U m , no," I re plied pla i n ly. "Whether or not you recover the laptop from M r. Sta n d a rd is not my concern . I s h o u l d n't have to wait for. . . Wait, n o . I don't WANT that laptop after he's put h i s paws a n d who k n ows what k i n d of files on it! I paid for a brand new laptop and that's w h at I'd better receive ! " " S i r, u m . . . I'm afraid that-" " D o n 't be afra id, be prod uctive! Get a new la ptop out to m e posthaste ! " " I can't . . . I can't rea l l y do that, M r. Peacock. I'm sorry, but-" " N o ! No buts! I want my brand new, completely Sta n d a rd - less lapto p ! " The conversation e n ded s h ortly thereafter w h e n the ca ll was 1 51

Mentally Incontinent

escalated to a h i g h ly-apologetic m a n ager w h o assured me that this would be h a n d led i m m ed iately a n d that a brand new I n s p i ro n 8 5 0 0 would be s h i pped to m e "Posthaste, as [I] requested". This, once a g a i n , begs u s to q u estion the g e ne ra l level of ed ucation of the Dell e m ployee. Merria m -Webster defines posthaste as "speed in travel i n g ; great haste," a n d t h is is the defi n ition I had a lways kept i n m i n d w h e n u s i n g that word . Dell, however, obviously i nte rprets posthaste as "Ta ke as long as you want, and be s u re to avoid u pdating the customer of the status of the order at any time." It took two phone ca lls a week for seven more weeks, each one being escalated to a manage r, each one e n d i n g with "Yes, s i r, we w i l l get it to you i m m e d iately, t h a n k you for c a l l i n g D e l l ." Final ly, however, I got exactly what I dema nded - a brand new, completely standardless la ptop. And thus ca m e u nto m e the first motherboard.

II. Freeze! The day the g iga ntic b l u e a n d brown cardboard box arrived conta i n i n g my precious and won derful laptop, I was overjoyed. A l l of the horri ble demon izing thoug hts related to Dell a n d t h e i r woefu l ly in efficient processes fled from my m i n d to m a ke room for a p u e rile kid-at-Christmas tech n ica l lust as I ripped t h rough the ta pe a n d l ifted from its foa m- l ined transport my brand new, s h i n y silver Inspiron 8 5 0 0 . This thing was a bsol utely stacked : a Penti u m 4 2 . 4 g i g a h ertz processor, a g i g a byte of PC 3 2 0 0 RA M, built i n wi -fi for a n ywhere - i n ­ the-house internet access, a 4 0 g b h a rd drive a n d the most gorgeous 1 7 i nch widescreen mon itor I had ever laid eyes o n . I pressed the power button a n d after a very short time was g reeted with the swee p i n g i ntro m usic that acco m pa n ies the W i n dows X P i ntroduction on a new syste m . I fell head over heels i n love. For the next few weeks, work beca me noth i n g short of a p u re joy to do. I looked for a n y excuse to use my new toy. Every story I w rote shone crystal clear on the massive scree n , every song I played sou nded a bsolutely amazing o n the tiny little laptop spea kers that were e m bedded i n the front of the la ptop. I craved interaction with that h ig h ly portable and ever so pleasant to to uch s u per-sleek s h i n y mach i n e . And l i ke a l l re lationsh ips based p u rely o n l u st, it o n ly took a sh ort time for t h i n g s to begin heading south . I was working on a project that had j u st become my "New n u m be r o n e prio rity", one w h ich overshadowed a bsolutely everyth i n g else in o u r CEO's vision a n d a bsol utely had to be completed "yesterday, if not sooner". My every mom ent was fl u i d , a nd for nea rly e i g ht h o u rs solid, I was a progra m m i n g mach i n e . I was co pying a n d 1 52

The Motherboard Chronicles

pasting l i ke a fie n d , re using code l i ke n o body's busi ness and setting a pace wh ich would have led me to completing the project that afternoon w h e n , without warn i n g , my machine completely froze . Not j u st a sta l l with some beeps eve ry time you hit a key, m i n d you . Th is was a n a bsolute catastrophic fa i l ure. It was l i ke someone had poured sand i n the gears that ran the clock of time - everyth i n g stayed o n the scre e n , completely i m m o b i l ized and u n responsive. I atte m pted to control-alt-del ete out of the h a n g - u p to n o ava i l . I clicked every win dow, I frantically slam med the ' w i ndows' key to try to get so m e response from this mach i n e . And the worst part - I h a d n 't saved my code i n at least fo u r h o u rs . Sig h i n g the heavy sigh that acco m pa n ies horri ble twists of fate wh ich ca n not be changed and a l most a l ways mean more work, I pressed a n d held the power button of the laptop to get it to s h u t dow n , but it would n't. It j u st sat there, sta ring vacantly back at me . . . Almost mocking m e . Several infuriating m i n utes of this left m e with n o oth e r cho ice but to pe rform a n ' u ltra - h a rd reboot', where by I yan ked the power cord and the battery from the mach i n e . I i m m ed iately heard the sou n d of power cea s i n g to flow thro u g h circu itry as the screen went black. I counted to one (as i n 'one second') a n d then replaced everyt h i n g my la ptop n eeded to ru n . The machine booted back u p a n d with i n a m i n ute, I was back i n Visua l Stu d i o 2 0 0 3 , cod i n g fu riously to make u p for the lost work. My pace was fra ntic but my performa n ce was solid - for a bout two m i n utes . For j u st as I was gett i n g going a g a i n , the machine p u l led the exact same stunt a n d went sti l l . Again, noth i n g I did would register at a l l o n the mon itor o r aud ibly, a n d a g a i n I had to perform a n ultra - h a rd reboot. A few choice words later, I was once a g a i n back to cod i n g - u ntil once a g a i n the temperatu re inexpl ica bly d ropped with i n my machi ne's processor a n d the d a m n thing froze once agai n . So, I ca lled De l l . It took a few m i n utes of p ressing the right co m b i n ation of n u m bers to get through to the rig ht department, but perseverance won thro u g h and after a s m a l l time I was conn ected to the ever-so - h e l pfu l Dell techn ica l s u pport people. "Yes, well, it seems that my machine is j ust ra ndomly freezing for no reason w h atsoever," I explai ned to the d i s i nterested man on the other e n d of the l i n e . " M m - h m m ," h e croaked back to m e . "So you a re using the mac h i n e a s norm a l , a n d s u d d e n ly it stops respo n d i n g ? " ''Yes, exactly ! " I re plied . " I was j ust work i n g o n my - O h , s h it!" I m m e d i ately it occu rred to m e that I had j u st screa med a vulga rity into this m a n 's ear, so I sta m m e red i n e m barrassment and begged for h i s forg iveness. " I a m so sorry a bout that, but m a n , it j ust d i d it aga i n ! "

1 53

Mentally Incontinent

" M m - h m m ," h e said eerily. " We l l , what were you doing when it sta l l ed ? " "This time? Noth i n g . Seriously, I had j u st moved the mouse across the desktop a n d it-" " We l l , s i r," h e barked, " H ave you recently insta lled a n y software that may have ca used this to happen? Any softwa re, say, from the internet? Such as a Comet Cu rsor, or Gator, or. . ." I know that t h is g u y d i d n 't know me, but I co uld have sworn that h e was trying to i n s u lt m e . " N o . No no no. I don't use that crap," I re plied s m a rtly. " I have more sense than that." "I. . . see . . . And what was it, exactly, that you last i n sta l l ed ? ! ? " H e sort of smacked his l i ps as h e com pleted the h a lf-q uestion, half-sco l d . '' H m m . . ." I re p l ied, th i n k i n g back to a few weeks prior when I prepared my mach i n e . " I g u ess that would have been Visua l Studio 2 0 0 3 ." " M m - h m m ," h e re p l i ed , sou n d i n g not u n l i ke a police officer who was g rowing tired of hearing the burglar with the big puffy eyes and tea rs strea m i n g down his face say that he was nowh ere near the store when they tear-gassed the robbers i nside. "Well, I have to te l l you, that sounds s u spiciously l i ke a software proble m ." " U h h ... NO . " I started to reply, u ntil h e cut m e off a g a i n . . .

"Yes, s i r, that would have to be someth i n g with W i ndows. I'm going to reco m me n d that you re i nsta l l it." " Look, d ude, I've been using W i ndows s i n ce version 3 . 1 a n d I have been writing software for over ten years . I know the d iffe rence between a software e rror a n d a h a rd freeze, a n d I a m fairly certa i n that t h i s is NOT software related." "And how, exactly, d o you know that?" h e asked s n i dely. "We l l , for exam ple, w h e n Wi ndows craps out, it either flips to a blue screen or holds resou rces, but it doesn't lock out I/0. When you h it the keyboard or u n pl u g a U S B device, the m a c h i n e still recogn izes it a n d lets you know with a beep." "Is that so?" he re plied. " We l l , s i r, I a m certified on Dell Mach i n es, a n d in my o p i n io n , it's a W i n d ows error. So what I a m g o i n g to do is d i s patch a service tec h n ician to co me by a n d - " "What? You're going to send someone h e re to re i n stall wi ndows for me?" I a s ked . "That's rea l ly a h u g e waste of t i m e . I could do it myse lf." "If you t h i n k you're q u a l ified," he re p l ied, verba lly p u n c h i n g me i n the n uts. I s l a m med the phone down q u ite hard on the cradle, ca using everyone i n the office to t u rn a n d look i n my d i rection. 1 54

The Motherboard Chronicles

" I told you , m a n . You should've bought a Toshi b a," My m a nager Kev i n said. I co u l d n 't d isagree. It took a bout two hours, but I got Wi ndows XP re insta l led on the machine. Resta rti n g with a co m pletely b la n k slate, I went th ro u g h the interactive i ntroduction a n d menta l l y c u rsed the fact that I was going to have to reinsta l l a massive a m o u nt of softw a re . J u st mom ents after I told W i n dows that I wanted to use the Eastern Sta n d a rd Ti me Zone, the m a c h i n e w h ispered "fuck you" via a series of w h i rs a n d cl icks and locked u p once more . So, once a g a i n , I ca lled D e l l . Luckily, I m a naged to get a very pleasant a n d easy to ta l k to fem a l e who actu a l l y knew someth ing a bout w h at the hell was going o n . "Wow, s i r, that sou nds l i ke you've either got bad RAM o r a bad motherboard. Wou l d you m i n d ru n n i n g t h ro u g h some tests with me?" I was elated. " M i n d ? Oh d e a r wom a n , I would be pleased beyond belief to run through some tests with you, no matter how long it takes. I j ust thank God that you actua l ly have a n i n k l i n g of a clue as to what e n d i s u p ." She chuckled . " We l l , someti mes, peo ple a re j u st ready to head to lunch or go home a n d they a re n 't rea l l y interested i n h e l p i n g out. Me, I j u st got h e re , so I have a w h ile yet before I get to start pissing peo pie off." She g u ided m e t h rough rebooti n g with the Dell D i a g nostics d i s k and ru n n i n g t h ro u g h a series of tests wh ich thorou g h l y checked the RAM - memory a d d ress writi n g tests, rea d i n g tests, conditioning tests, etcetera - a n d everyth i n g came u p h u n ky dory. We began on the motherboard test, a n d not so m u ch as a second into it, the mac h i n e locked u p . "Wow, that's definitely not good," she stated. "Yep, looks like you r motherboard is fried ." " O h , wow," I re plied morosely. "That sucks q u ite a lot." "Ya h , this actu a l l y isn't the first t i m e I've run into this with the 8 5 0 0 . The good news is that we can get a tech out to you first t h i n g tomorrow morn i n g , s o your down t i m e w i l l be m i n i m a l ! " She put m e t h ro u g h to the fulfi l l ment department a n d they verified the issue, then logged my information and set u p a n on-site re pair for 1 0 : 0 0 AM the fo llowing morn i n g . W h e n that t i m e arrived, the tech s h owed u p right o n time a n d i m m ed iately set u po n testing my existing confi g u ration to ensure that my claim was legit i m ate. H e booted u p the system and began ru n n i n g through m u n d a n e tasks, such as ope n i n g notepad a n d ru n n i n g Internet Explore r, a n d d i d so 1 55

Mentally Incontinent

with not so m u ch as a h iccu p. " S i r, could you show m e exactly what you were doing w h e n you r m a c h i n e froze u p?" h e requested. " S u re, which time?" I asked. "We l l , I g u ess it doesn't rea l ly matter," he said, "I j u st need to verify that the machine is behav i n g as you reported before I re pair it." " We l l , a l rig hty, let's see . . ." And I began ru n n i n g ra ndom software a n d doing ra ndom t h i n g s . I went t h ro u g h j u st a bo ut every task I could t h i n k of that I had experienced a freeze d u ri n g a n d not one re plicated the behavior. " D u d e , I swear to God, this t h i n g was freezing u p o n m e every ten m i nutes ! " I said fra n tica l ly. I sw iveled a ro u n d i n my cha i r a n d pointed toward my fe l low developers. "You can a s k t h e m ! They saw it!" Each of them nodded i n response. " We l l , s i r, if the machine i s n 't h a n g i n g up, I a m not a u thorized to proceed with repa i r," h e explained. " I 'm so rry a bout that." A worrisome look fell u po n my face. "No, wait! You can't leave ! " "We l l , I'll be here for a nother moment longer," he s a i d im patiently. " I need to c a l l the office a n d let them know t h e status of this ca l l ." He stepped out i nto the h a l lway and began ta lking to h i s home base. Fra ntica l ly, I began slapping keys a n d j ig g l i n g the mouse i n a n atte m pt to get t h is bastard h u n k of meta l a n d w i res to q u it screw i n g a ro u n d a n d get b u sy freezing . And j u st as you have probably expected, it kept on functio n i n g exactly as it was su pposed to, processing a n d perform i n g h ig h e r math functions like a ny good co m puter s h o u l d . The tec h n i c i a n returned to the room a n d observed that t hi ng s were sti l l co m i n g u p aces. " We l l , s i r, I need to leave, I have a n oth e r ca l l . If you have a n y more issues with this machine, call Dell, they'll a rra nge for us to come o u t." And with that, h e s p u n on h is heel a n d made for the door. I twisted around i n my chair and slam med my fist aga inst the desk i n frustration, causing the m o u se to bobble off of the su rface of the Formica, pro m pting the c u rsor to move j u st a m i l l i m eter before it entered i nto the catato n ic state I had come to know so well the past few days. Having thought I had seen it seize u p, I j igg led the mouse a n d h it the W i n d ows key, to no ava i l . A m a n ic grin spread across my cheeks a n d I h u rriedly rushed out to the parking lot to catch the technician before he exited the pre m ises. " H EY ! " I screamed a n d waived m y a rm s frantica lly i n the a i r as I ca u g ht sight of h i m reac h i n g his veh icle. "It d i d it! It froze u p ! Come 1 56

The Motherboard Chronicles

loo k ! " With a h u ff, h e performed a n a bout-face a n d made h is way back into the b u i l d i n g , w h e re h e saw my freshly frozen l a ptop sitt i n g there staring blankly back at h i m . H e m a n e uvered the mouse, h e tapped on the keyboard, h e received no response whatsoever. H i s mood changed from d i sda i n a bout hav ing h i s time wasted to a w i l l i n g ness to set th ings rig ht. "Well, a l right then, let's see a bout gett i n g this t h i n g rep a i red," he boaste d . Twenty m i n utes later, h e replaced the last of the screws that fastened the back casing of the l a ptop to the front, new motherboard in place. He flipped it over, turned it on, a n d asked m e to pe rform some tasks. The machine ran l i ke a cha mp, a n d for some reason, the eerie fee l i n g that was a lways present with m e that t h i ng s were a bo ut to explode was gone. " Looks l i ke it works okay," I sa i d . "Okay, I g u ess that 's it t h e n ," he re pl ied . He instructed me to ca l l Dell should I run i nto a ny issues, shook my h a n d a n d b i d me a fon d adie u . I wished h i m w e l l and im mediately began the a rd u o u s task of reinsta l l i n g a l l of my develo pment software ( a n d W i n a m p, of co u rse ) . And so begins my experience with motherboa rd n u m be r two. It would n't last very long, I 'm afra i d .

III. See No Evil For a l most t h ree days ( 7 1 h o u rs a n d 34 m i n utes, to be exact), my laptop user experience was one of p u re , u n a d u lterated bliss. It is one thing to progra m , write, s u rf the web a n d play g a m es on a brand new laptop with the latest i n tech nical advance m ents. It's a n altogether greater t h i n g to do them w h e n you have been completely deprived of the a b i lity to for so long. I ca n 't rea l ly explain it, but when you h ave opened Internet Explorer with the m i ndset that you ca n fi n a l l y - FINALLY - rely on y o u r machine w i l l be a ble to do it without turn i n g into a n electric pictu re fra m e, it's a h i g h that is rivaled o n ly a near-death experience ( a n d eve n that is a stretch, because being h i g h on life is boring without a n i nternet con n ectio n ) . But on the third day, everyt h i n g went black. Litera lly. I was taking a break from working o n a Satu rday, playing a ro using rou n d of D i a blo II with a buddy of mine, w h e n we reached the end of Act I . I i n itiated a conversation with Warriv and told h i m I wanted to go east. The screen flickered i n response, i n d icating the introduction of a new cut sce n e wh ich explains how Diablo had crossed the desert a n d a l l kinds of rig m a role. The a ud io started and the s u l le n tim bre of the na rrator's voice began to advance the tale, but n a ry a visual was see n . The entire c l i p played t h rough a n d I was expecting to 1 57

Mentally Incontinent

see my character sta n d i n g i n the m i d d l e of a desert town, but o n ly saw the pale black that reflected my desce n d i n g mood. I p u s hed and held the power button a n d the mach i n e s h u t down j u st as it should have. I t h e n p u s hed the power button a g a i n to start it u p . The exhaust fan started up, the power a n d h a rd drive lig hts were i l l u m i nated . The m a c h i n e beeped. Noth i n g a p pea red o n screen . I rebooted a g a i n , with exactly the same res u lt. " We l l , i s n 't this wonderfu l?" I asked n o one. Despa i r swept over m e at the thought of having to call Dell once a g a i n , so I thought I'd exercise each a n d every logical option at my d isposa l . To determ i n e if the system was even worki n g , I thought I would contro l -a lt-delete into the m a n u a l log i n for W i n dows X P and see if I co u ld get a nywhere at a l l . I did it a nd heard the tell-tale welcome m u s ic that i n d icates a s u ccessful log i n - mea n i n g that this was definitely a video-only probl e m . I p l u gged i n an extern a l mon itor a n d received not h i n g at a l l i n the way of video. This tol d m e that it was n 't the LCD mon itor o n the laptop that was at fa u lt . I had isolated the video ch i p as the c u l prit. This meant a new motherboard. And that meant ca l l i n g Dell a g a i n . With a heaving sigh a n d more determ i n ation than I thought myself ca pable of, I m a naged to d i a l Dell's n u m be r without poking Joe's-index-finger-sized holes i nto the h a n dset of the p ho ne . I waited thro u g h the introduction a n d d ia led a l l the right n u m bers to get me to tec h n ical s u p port. I was told that I would hear a s i le n ce a n d was instructed to wait thro u g h it a s my call was connected. So I waited . And I w a ited. And I w a ited. Final ly, I looked at my cell phone. It i n d icated to me that I was n o longer con nected with Dell. I g rit my teeth a n d s u m moned my stre n gth - the only t h i n g worse than having to call Dell was having to ca l l them o n ce a g a i n . I heard the introduction, I pushed the n u m bers in the proper seq uence, I was instructed to wait through some silence. And wait I d i d . . . But for only half the a m o u n t of time as the previous adventu re before I thought to look at the d isplay of my phone a nd determ i n e the state of con nectiv ity. W h i c h was "not at a l l ." For a brief moment, I bla med S p rint. I said l o u d ly to the wall across from my desk, " D a m n Sprint! Da m n them stra ight to h e l l ! Th e i r co n n ectivity is lousy a n d that spokes person i s cree py ! I hate them with a l l of the d isdain I ca n possibly m uster without d ivert i n g resources from hating De l l ! " I tossed my ce lly be h i n d m e a n d g ra bbed the land l i n e , d i a led the s u p port n u m ber, l i stened w h e re I was s u p posed to listen a n d pushed n u m bers w h e re I was s u pposed to push them. I was told to wa it t h ro u g h yet a n other s i lence, w h ich was q u ite a pleasant 1 58

The Motherboard Chronicles

s i lence u ntil it was so rudely i nterru pted by the sound of a d i a l tone. I removed the h a n dset from my ear a n d stared at it in d isbel ief. It i m m ed iately dawned on m e that the silence I was i nstructed to wait thro u g h was noth i n g more than a cruel practical joke designed by those t h ree smirking i nterns on the comm ercials to see j ust how long they cou ld get furious people to listen to noth i n g o n the other e n d of the phone before they gave u p a n d co m m itted either s u icide or mass m u rd e r at their local Wa l - m a rt, either event m a king the user no longer the i r proble m . 501 I d i d the o n ly t h i n g that I knew would get m e con n ected to someone. I called t h e i r sales l i n e . " He llo, welco m e to De l l . My n a m e is [om itted because I actu a l ly liked h e r] . how may I h e l p you today?" Ch i m ed the lovely you n g l a d y o n the other e n d of t h e phone. " He llo, [om itte d ] , I'm having trou ble w ith my Insprio n ," I re p l i e d . " O h , okay s i r, you w i l l need to d i a l o u r technica l s u pport n u m ber. It's 1 -800-" " No, m a 'a m ," I i nterru pted . " I tried that a l ready. It keeps asking me to wait t h rough a s i le n ce, then ha ng s u p o n m e ." " O h . Okay, I see. We l l , I ca n con nect you d i rectly if you'd like." "That'd be wonderfu l ! Th a n k s ! " "Okay, hold one mome nt," she said, a n d t h e n disa ppea red a n d was i m m ed iately replaced by the refra i n to "American Pie". A few moments later, s h e returned. "Wow, th at's interesting," she said with a note of d i s may. "It d i d the same t h i n g to m e as well." "Ya h , it d i d it to me several times before I j u st gave u p a n d ca l led you ," I re p l i e d . " Is there a n ot her way to co n n ect m e to them?" " We l l , u nfortu nately s i r, the only way I know how to connect to them i s t h e same way you do. However, if you ca n hold on for j u st a moment, I'll see if a nyone here knows a noth e r way." And once a g a i n , s h e placed me on hold where Don Mclean began k i l l i n g me softly with his song. It took a little w h i le, b ut s h e fi na lly ca m e back and let m e know that there was no other way to get m e ove r to the tech s u p port line that hated talking to me so m uch, they had com p letely s h u t down a l l circuits to their d e pa rtment. " We l l , w h at the heck a m I s u pposed to do now?" I asked. "You ca n try o u r o n l i n e s u pport at www . De l l . co m , they are usua lly p retty good a bout res ponse times." " B u t my co m puter doesn't work, m a 'a m . I can't get o n l i n e ." " O h . Yea h ," s h e re plied sheepish ly. " I g u ess you have a 1 59

Mentally Incontinent

po int there ! I g u ess the only oth e r recou rse is to wait a n d try i n the morn i n g ." So I d i d . And it d rove m e a bsol utely n uts. Su nday morn i n g rolled a ro u n d , a n d for the first time i n at least three months, I arose from bed before noon ( I was u p a ro u n d 8 : 0 0 A M ) and ho pped i m med iately on the phone. I d i a led Dell timid ly, knowing that the u n relenting fist of d isco n n ection was poised a n d ready to h a m m e r u pon m e . Remarkably, the s pa n of sile nce actua lly ended in someth i n g other than a d i a l ton e . I heard con n ection tones which gently led m e to the e n d of the m uted t u n n e l of hold a n d they fi lled me with vigor and e n e rgy. I was extre m e l y excited about the prospect of fi n a l l y getting my issue solved when I was con n ected to a person w h o m I w o u ld consider to be, without q uestion, the a bsolute d u m best fucking tech s u p port person I have ever - EVER - had the severe d i s pleasure of being involved with i n my entire l ife. I'll ca l l h i m David, beca use that was h is n a m e . "Welcome to D e l l . My n a m e is Dav i d ." That's it. H e j u st i ntroduced h i mself, noth i n g furth e r. I was a little taken back by that, but fou n d it with i n myself to push forward. " U m . . . H i David. I have-" " H i." " U h . . . Yea h , h i . I have a problem here with my laptop." " I see. Can I have your service tag n u m be r please?" (I gave it to h i m . ) ''It does n 't seem to be the right one. Can I have it a g a i n please?" (I gave it to h i m aga i n . ) " Nope. N ot h i n g 's com i n g u p ." Several seconds pass. He says not h i n g at a l l . I expect h i m to carry forward from that state m e nt, but he never does, so I decide to do it for h i m . "Okay, w e l l t h e n , ca n you look m e u p some other way? " "Hold o n just a seco n d , let me see a bout that." H e placed me on hold for a bout a m i n ute and 2 5 seconds. I may be m ista ke n , but I believe "American Pie" was STILL playing from the day before (that is one LONG son g ) . " Okay, s i r?" he said, a bit wi nded . "Yes?" "Okay, I was asking for you r service tag earlier." Aga i n , several seconds pass without a ny pro m pting o r conti n u a nce from M r. H e l pfu l , so it is left to m e to keep things ro l l i n g . " U m m . . . Yes, i ndeed you were. And?" 160

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" O h , well w h at

I

actu a l ly need is your express service code."

" O h , well, okay. It's-" "It's the longer n u m be r o n the back of your co m p u te r. You w i l l fi nd it next to the service tag n u m ber." "Yes, I a m a w a re of its locatio n . It's-" "It s h o u ld be the one with a l l n u m bers, n o letters." "David, I a m sta ring at it rig ht now. Would you like m e to read it to you?" " O h , yes. That would be good." read it to h i m . H e seemed m a rg ina lly pleased that he managed to proceed with it. " O kay, how may I h e l p you with your Inspiron co m puter today?" I

"We l l , it seems that my video c h i p has gone bad. I'm g o i n g to need to get it replaced." "Okay s i r, is your co m puter on right now?" " No, it's not. Let m e t u rn it o n real fast-" "Okay, I a m going to need you to power on your co m puter." My grip on the telephone tighte n ed . "O kay, it's o n ." ''Okay, I need you to h it d e lete when you see the Dell scre e n ." " B u t I can't see the Dell screen, David. M y video chip is bad." " O h . Okay, can you hold o n for j ust a mom ent?" He places me o n hold for - a n d I'm not kid d i n g here - 2 2 m i n utes . The only reason I d i d n 't h a n g u p is beca use I h e l d fi rm ly i n my m i n d the conviction that i f I let h i m g o now, I'd never ever get thro u g h to Dell tech su pport a g a i n . Final ly, h e popped back on the phone. "O kay, s i r?" "Yes," I g ru m bled. "Okay, I t h i n k I know what is g o i n g o n . I believe it m a y have something to do with your d rivers. Can I get you to go to Start, Control Pa n e l , Display?" "David." "Yes s i r?" " I cannot d o as you ask, David." " O h . Why not?" " Beca use my d isplay does not work, Dav i d . I can't see a godd a m n t h i n g ." " O h . Okay, so it's your m o n itor that n eeds service then?" 161

Mentally Incontinent

"No, Dav i d . I'm fairly certa i n it's the video c h i p. I p l u gged a n extern a l mon itor i n a n d it d i d n't work at a l l ." "So, u m . . . Okay, so you have a mon itor plugged in a n d it does n 't work?" " Exactly." " U m m . . . Is it a Dell mon itor? Because I don't t h i n k I ca n h e l p you if it's not . . ." " David." "Yes?" "Tra nsfer m e to your s u pe rior, please." " U m m . . . okay, n o p roblem, one second s i r." N i neteen m i n utes, several doodles of David i n a g u i l loti n e , a n d three broken pencils late r : " S i r?" "Yes, David?" "My s u pervisor is tied u p on a nother ca l l right now." I

sighed heavi ly. "Why does that not s u rprise me?"

" B ut sir?" "Yes David?" "I asked a n other tech here a bout your problem, a n d they said that it's most l i kely yo u r motherboard." "Yep, that's pretty much what I fi g u red ." "Okay, so w i l l you be re pairing this yourself, o r w i l l we be sending a tech out?" "Oh , dear God,

I

hope you a re s e n d i n g a tech out."

" O h , okay, because to send a tech out would be $ 5 2 0 . 00 ." A VERY stu n n ed s i lence ensued . He decided to break it with the "good " news. " But if you do it yourself, that price d rops to $380 . 0 0 ". " David." "Yes s i r?" " David, this laptop is still u n d e r wa rranty." He took a few seconds to stu dy this. " O h . I g uess it i s . In that case, I g uess it would be free." swea r to God the A l m i g hty that if David had been present in the room with me, I would have hoisted h i m h i g h i nto the a i r and dropped h i m across my knee, brea king h i s back and para lyzing h i m I

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for etern ity. I wou l d t h e n spend every waking moment for the rest of o u r lives together reciting poetry a bout footba l l into h i s ear a n d forcing h i m to eat not h i n g b ut Atkins-fri e n d ly candy. "Tra nsfer m e to the fulfi l lment department please, David." " O h , um . . . Yes s i r, j u st o n e mome nt." It took o n l y ten seconds for the order fulfi l l m e n t person to come on the l i n e a n d fulfi l l my order. The same tech from the same contracting firm came to my office at 1 1 : 0 0 AM to once again replace my motherboard. "Jeez, a nothe r one?" he asked. "Yep, a nother one," I re plied. " H m m ... rem i n d m e not to buy a Del l," he said . I wou l d n 't n eed to re m i n d h i m . He'd have several more re m inders i n the coming days.

IV. It's Getting Hot In Here So, the d isplay i s working properly and the mach i n e hasn't locked u p once i n the past fo u r days. Th i rd time's the c h a rm , right? I ca n relax now, right? Wro n g . We ll, no, I could relax, j ust not without b u r n i n g the del icate soft fl esh off of my wrists a n d cauterizing my ve ins. I was making good use of my t h i rd motherboard, posti n g rid icu lous co m m e nts o n the message boards at Fark.co m , when I e n acted a seve re violation of proper typ i n g postu re and rested my wrists o n the open a rea below the keyboard. They o n l y stayed t h e re for a moment, a s the s u rface te m pe ra t u re of the rest a rea was hot en oug h to fry bacon ( a n d , co ncequently, the s k i n on my bod y ) . I had noticed that the tem perature of the keyboard a rea was a bit warm but attributed that to the g e n eral co n d itions s u rro u n d i n g working i n a n attic office i n Georgia i n the s u m m e r. However, tou c h i n g the metal j u st below the keyboard resulted i n severe redness a n d swe l l i n g . These a re defi n itely not ideal work i n g con d itions for a nyone with exposed flesh, a n d I'd be dam ned if I wou ld wear g loves i n the s u m mer. After a mome nt's ponderance, I noticed that the exha ust fa n wasn't blow i n g . I placed my fingers near the vent a n d felt a massive a m o u nt of heat pouring out. It i m med iately h it m e that this was most likely going to mean another ca l l to Del l . Completely i n stinctive ly, a string of v u l g a rity flew from my mouth a n d i m med iately collided with my wife who had j u st entered the roo m . 163

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(In the i nterest of kee ping t hi ngs at PG- 1 3 , I have replaced a l l profa n ity with n a mes of brea kfa st cere a l s . ) "You stu pid p i ece of S h redded Wheat!" I screa med loud ly. "Woa h ," s h e said, taken aback. "That's n o way to g reet a lady w h e n she walks in the roo m ! " "So rry, dear," I replied s h ee pish ly. "You aren't a piece of S h redded Wheat." " I shou ld hope not," s h e a nswered, " G iven the way S h redded Wheat s m e l l s . So, w hat's got you a l l i n a tizzy?" " O h , this Fra n ke n be rry piece of S u g a r Smacks laptop." " O h , come o n ! " s h e excla i m e d . "Another p roblem? You have to be Frazzles kidd i n g with m e ! " "Nope. It's a l l Fruit Looped again." She sighed . "Wh at's wrong with it t h is time?" " We l l , my wrists were getting t i red, so I rested them on this pa rt right h e re," I said, pointi n g to the a rea where wrists look like they be l o n g . "When I d i d , it b u rnt the living S'mores o u t of my wrists! It h u rt l i ke a B l u eberry Morn i n g ! " "Are you okay?" " S u re, aside from being Post Oatmea l 'ed at Dell," I re plied. " Now I have to waste another three Golden G ra h a m hours on the phone with those Alpha -Bits." So, once a g a i n , I fo u nd myself d i a l i ng the n u m be r which had become perma n e ntly e n g ra i ned i n my m i n d i n the h o pes that I m i g ht actua lly get t h rough the silence and co n n ect with someone who made some sense on the first try. I fig u red, w h i l e I was at it, I m i g h t as w e l l wish for a p retty p i n k u n i corn, too. ''We lco m e to D e l l ," she said i nviting ly. "Th i s is [ n a m e om itted ] . To whom a m I spea king?" "This is Joe." "Okay, Joe, a n d may I please have y o u r telephone n u m ber, j ust in case we get d isco n n ecte d ? " " S u re, it's [ m y te lephone n u m ber] ." "Okay, a n d rea l ly q u ickly, d o you have a n Express Service N u m be r you can give me? It sho ul d be the longer n u m be r on the back of your com puter." "Yep, it is [my Express Service N u m ber] ." A few mome nts passed as s h e entered the i nformation a nd pu lied u p whatever it was s h e needed to p u I I u p to te l l m e that I'd 164

The Breakfast Cereal Chronicles

need to replace the motherboard a g a i n . "Okay, it looks l i ke you have a n Ins p i ro n 8 5 0 0 , a n d your warranty expires . . . h m m . Wow, that's weird ." I sighed heavi ly. "What is it this time?" I a s ked with d re a d . " H m m . . . t h is can't be right. It says here that your warranty expired i n A p ri l of 2 00 3 ." " O h , co me O N ! " I excla i m e d . "How on Ea rth can that be poss i b le?" "I d o n 't know. Consideri n g that the I nspiro n 8500 wasn't even made until April, I find that a little hard to believe myse lf. Hold on j ust o n e momen t . . . If

A moment came a n d went. " We l l , that was a little stra nge, but I t h i n k I've gotten it ta ken care of." ''What, exactly, was the problem?" "We l l , it seems that the last person i n your fi le-" I scow led . "Was it David?" She hes itated a moment, then sa id "Yes, David - It looks l i ke he some how reset your warranty to April of 2 0 0 0 ." "That son of a Boo-Berry ! " "I'm sorry?" " O h , not h i n g . Excuse m e ." " O h . We ll, okay. . . U m . . . w h at is you r issue?" I expl a i n ed to her that the exha ust fan wasn't ru n n i n g and it was ca u s i n g my system to ru n EXTRE MELY hot. "Well," she a nswered, "That's not very good for the processor. We're going to have to get that serviced." " Well, a bout that . . ." "Yes?" "Is there a n y cha nce whatsoever that you could j ust send me a little fan a n d I could i nsta l l it?" My voice squeeked with pathetic hope. " O h , no s i r. I'm afra id that-" And the world went a l l swirly and her words pou n d ed i n my hears "-Yo u r entire motherboard is g o i n g to have to be re placed ." Oh we l l . The good news i s that she at least k n ew w h at e n d was up. It's too bad a bout the u n icorn, though . . . I'd have been the hit of the neigh borhood . 165

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The order w e n t i n a n d the fo llow i n g day, the tech ca m e out. " M r. Peacock, s i r," he g reeted m e . " Hey there, Ra n dy," I re plied. " N ice to see you a g a i n ." "Yeah, I g uess, a lthough I t h i n k we'd both rather it be over a beer." We both ch uckled h e a rtily. Ra n d y made h i mself comforta ble at a free desk a n d began dismantling my la ptop once a g a i n . I left to go attend to a server which needed extensive testing of the solitare program to dete r mi n e its effective resources. A very short time later, I heard a ta p on the door. It was Ra n dy, a n d the expression he wore was a g n m one. •

"What's u p, Ra ndy?" I asked g l i bly. "You'd . . . U h . . . You m ig ht want to see th is," h e re p l i ed . fo llowed h i m i nto the room w h e re h e was m a k i n g h i s repa i r. Before h i m sat my d i s m a ntled laptop, my old and nea rly bu rned u p motherboard, a n d a new motherboard w h ich had a n ice clean fiss u re st ra ig ht down the m iddle of it. I

" U m m . . . I d o n 't s u ppose that's a n u pg rade of some so rt, is it?" I asked. "No, s i r, I'd assume it isn't," h e c h u ckled. "Please, Ra ndy," I beg ged, "Please don't tell m e you j ust cracked my newest motherboard." Ra ndy assured m e several times that it s h i pped exactly as it was w h e n he showed it to m e . " Ra n dy." " S i r?" he rep I ied . " Ra n d y, a re you S U RE you d o n 't work for Dell?" "No, s i r. I'm j u st a contractor. Why?" I looked h im i n the eye. "Absolutely certa i n ?" "Yes, s i r," h e re p l ied ea rnestly. "Absolutely ce rta i n . Why do you ask?" ''Beca use if you d id, I'd b u rn you i n effigy." Randy cracked u p laug h i n g , t h e n fi n a l ly m uttered, " Looks l i ke we g otta call D e l l ." " We l l , you call them. I've ru n out of cereal n a me s ." "What?" " O h , so rry, that's a n i nsi de j o ke." Ra ndy ca l led Dell. Dell promised to overn ight a new, crack-free motherboard. Randy told m e to expect h i m a ro u n d noon the next day. 166

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I waved goodbye to Randy. Ra ndy waved goodbye to m e . I went home a n d slept the restless sleep of a tortured sou I . The next day, noon ro lled a rou n d . Th e re was n o Randy. The s a m e was true at 1 : 00 , a n d a g a i n at 2 : 00 . F i n a l ly at 3 : 00 , I decided to ca l l D e l l . " U h , sir, there's no o rd e r i n the system for a repa i r." "What the H ELL do you mean, there's no order i n the system for a repair?" "Just what I told you, s i r. I'm looking at the system a n d there is no order for a re pair." I explai ned to this new tech s u pport person (Justi n , I believe his n a m e was) a l l that had tra n s p i red thus fa r, a n d believe me - I spared not the cere a l . J u st w h e n I thought h e was a bout to h a n g u p on me, J usti n managed to get a word i n edgewise and ca l m m e d ow n . " S i r, it is a l right. I can i n itiate a new order right now. J u st hold on a second." "I've been h o l d i n g o n s i nce April, J u sti n . holding o n ."

I

am so very tired of

" I u n dersta n d , s i r. J u st o n e moment, a n d we w i l l get this taken care of." J u stin d isa ppea red into the void that is Ba rry M a n i low for nearly two m i n utes, d u ring which time I heard a l l a bout Lola a n d Rico a n d the i r torrid roma nce at the Copa C a ba n a . H e arrived j ust before either Rico or To ny shot the other one ( n o one's q u ite s u re a bout that) . "Alright, s i r, a new motherboard is being sent to the tech n ica l group nea rest your location. A tech w i l l be out i n the morn i n g to service your system." "And w i l l that motherboa rd be i n one piece?"

I

asked .

" We l l , I can o n ly hope so, s i r," he re plied i n earnest. "It sounds like you 've had a p retty rou g h experience. I know that I, personal ly, want you to be satisfied." " We l l , J u sti n , you could buy m e a u n icorn," I repl ied . He d id n 't get it, either. Morn i n g ca me, a n d so d i d Ra ndy with the fifth motherboard to be i n sta l l ed i n my system i n less than two months - but you can bet you r Molass-O's it wasn't the last.

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V. Making The Swap Mike was hyperventilating. Cindy was laughing so hard, she began coughing up the contents of her etnphysema-riddled lungs and had to excuse herself to the restroom. Brian the cook sat there, taking a fin al drag off of his cigarette. He shrugged his shoulders, ground the butt of his cigarette in the ashtray, and exclaimed, "Man . . . all that, and you didn t even get to fuc

Once aga i n , I read t h rough the paragra p h . Once a g a i n , I reached the fi n a l , incomplete word and j i g g led my mouse, futilely hoping for some sort of action . Sad ly, once a g a i n , I received noth i n g whatsoever i n response. The b i l e beg a n to rise i n my throat as I sat in contemplative s i lence a n d stared at that sad, u nfi nished word as it rested there, begg i ng for the fi n a l letter before the para g ra p h co u l d fi nally move o n . I tapped a few keys, I p u s hed the power butto n . I u n pl u gged a n d re inserted the U S B ca bles for my co n nected device s . Noth i n g at a l l revived - or even affected - the i m mo b i le machine. A s i n g l e tea r fel l from the corner of my left eye and streamed down my fl ushed cheek as I shook the m o u se one last t i m e , some how beg g i n g for a m i racle. Th e re was n o movement of the pointer. There wasn't even a b l i n k i n g cu rsor. Th e re was j u st a frozen machine conta i n i ng a nea rly com plete story w h ich had not been saved si nce it beg a n a l most s i x thousa n d words previously. slowly rose from my chair and left my offi ce. I took my time desce n d i n g the stairs a n d w a l k i n g to the garage, sparing a moment to g ra b the brilliant ora n g e compact d isc u po n w h ich was written " Biohazard - State of the World Address" a n d a th ick black S h a rpie ma rker. I walked into the garage, placed the d isc into the player, a n d made m y way to a giga ntic canvas bag suspended from a s u pport bea m . I removed the S h a rpie from my pocket and wrote u po n the canvas bag a s i n g l e word i n h u g e ca pital letters. Once fi n ished, I i m m ed iately d ropped the ma rker, rea red back with my rig ht h a n d , a n d began to beat the a bsolute hell out of D e l l . I

Th i rty m i n utes later, my fists reddened a n d my favorite New York Ra ngers "thinking jersey" soaked with my sweat, I headed back u pstairs, g ra bbed the phone a n d plopped into my chair. It d i d n 't matter that I had just spent h a lf a n h o u r expe n d i n g vast a m o u nts of e n e rgy a n d venting my scath i n g hatred, the seco n d my eyes met the frozen screen of my la ptop, every o u n ce of fury that had once been with i n m e swelled a n d reemerged tenfold. "Welcome to Dell," the c h i pper a n d young techn ical s u p port person said . "This is-" My voice was boo m i n g as I yel led into the phone, "Are you M ichael De l l ? ! ?" 168

The Motherboard Chronicles

The young m a n o n the other e n d of the phone sta m m e red a moment, then re p l ie d , "Why, no s i r, I'm not . . ." "Get m e Michael Del l," I i n siste d . "Get m e M ichael Dell right this moment." " S i r, u m . . . You know, I d o n 't know how I would g o a bout doing that." "G ive m e someone who does, th e n ." The young m a n searched deep within h i m self, s u m m o n i n g the courage to bring h i s m i n d to the rea lization that o n the ot her e n d of the phone, h e was d e a l i n g with a m a d m a n . " S i r, u m . . perhaps you s h o u l d tell m e w h at iss u e you a re h a v i n g fir-" " N O ! " I scre a me d . "There w i l l be N O te l l i n g of issues. There w i l l o n ly be the fetch i n g of M ichael Dell. I want that m a n o n the p h o n e RIG H T NOW." " U h . . . righ t," h e rep I ied . "Just one moment, s i r." H e placed me on hold w h e re I was g reeted by a cross-dressing ea rly e i g hties icon beg g i n g m e to te l l h i m if I really wanted to h u rt h i m . I ca n ass u re you, had he been sta n d i n g anywhere with i n my i m m e d iate proxim ity at that moment, I would have ripped h is leg off a n d beat h i m to death with it, screa m i n g "Does THIS make me a Karma Chameleon, Georgie?" Fortunately, I d i d n 't have to e n d u re too m u ch of t h is w h i n y bastard's melancholy before I was re u n ited with the boy who wou ld be h e l pfu l , if o n l y I'd let h i m . " S i r?" The you n g m a n said. "Is this the s a m e g u y I was j u st ta lking to?" I a s ke d . " U h . . . Yes s i r, it is . . ." he re plied . " H a ve you somehow tra n sformed yourself into M ichael Dell?" I asked. " No, s i r, I haven't - b u t if you wou l d - " I g rowled . I l itera lly growled l i ke a tiger into the p h o n e . U po n refl ection, it probably sou n ded q u ite stu pid - but that's how a n g ry I had beco m e . I was d riven to making a n i m a l so u n d s . " S i r. . . Please," he begg e d . " J u st - j ust tell me what your issue is. I'm s u re we can work thro u g h th i s ." I took a deep breath a n d decided to g ive h i m a chance to rectify my probl e m . " Fi n e . My laptop has j u st frozen u p ." " U m , okay, s i r. Rea lly q u ickly, before we get to that, ca n I please have yo u r Service Tag n u m ber?" "Don't you mea n my Express Service code?" I asked .

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" U m m . . . O h , yes . You're ri g ht. May I please have that n u m be r s i r? " "What's y o u r na me?" "It's Daniel, s i r. W h at is yours?" "It's Joe. Da n ie l , you a re n 't a n idiot, a re you?" He thought on this for a moment. "No sir, I don't bel ieve so . . ." "O kay," I sa i d , "I'm j ust checking . The last person w h o confused a Service Tag with a n Express Service n u m be r turned out to be a n idiot. I j u st want to m a ke s u re that, before we go any farther, I'm dea l i n g with someone of reasona ble i ntelligence a n d not, as you have assured m e you a re n 't, a n i d iot." He g i ggled a l ittl e . I d i d n 't . " Da n ie l ." "Yes, s i r?" "I'm not joking here . I have reached the a bsol ute e n d of my patience. If you are going to turn this entire o rd e a l i nto a joke . . ." " O h , no s i r. I a m sorry, s i r. It's j u st that . . .

"

"What, Da n ie l ? " " We l l , j ust the way you sa i d that . . . It was pretty fu n n y." " Fu n ny, Dan iel?" " We l l , yea h . A little." " F u n ny. . . Fu n ny how, Da n iel? Like a clown?" "Oh . . . U m . . . S u re, a l ittle." "Ah . So a m I a clow n , Daniel? A clown, h e re o n the phone to a m use you?" " U m m . . . no s i r. I d o n 't th i n k so, s i r. . ." I paused for a mome nt, ho pi ng to strike FEAR i n to the heart of t h is poor boy. My Joe Pesci i m p ression was a l ittle off, b u t it served well e no u g h for this pu rpose. "Okay, Da n ie l . M y Express Service n u m be r is [my Express Service n u m ber, wh ich by now I knew by heart] ." A few mo m e n ts passed, a n d Daniel reviewed whatever it was that h e needed to review before h e made the biggest mistake h e co u l d have poss ibly made. " O kay, s i r, you say that yo u r laptop i s froze n . Is the power cord p l u gged i n ? " " O H , you stupid son of a . . . Of CO U RS E the fuc . . . The stupid power cord is p l u gged i n ! W h at the H ELL do you t h i n k I a m , a n id iot?" 1 70

The Motherboard Chronicles

" O H , no, s i r, of course n ot ! " "We j ust agreed, Dan i e l , that you d o n 't t h i n k I a m a clown . Were you lying to m e , D a n i e l ? Do you actually t h i n k that I a m a clown?" "No s i r, not at a II s i r ! " "Okay, fi n e . Good . T h i s w i l l be very s i m p l e the n . Da n ie l , since the day that I got t h is laptop - N O . S i n ce the day I ORDERED it, I have had noth i n g but trouble with it. I got it two months late a n d have been through FIVE motherboards. I a m sick and tired of this nonsense. I want to return this laptop, a n d I want to do that right this mo ment." It took h i m a m o m e n t to respond . When he d i d , it was NOT the a n swer I wanted to hear. " S i r, I ca n 't d o that." ''Yes you ca n , Dan i e l ," I ins isted. "It's easy. Just return the laptop." " No, s i r, I can't." "Yes you - O h , screw this. Get Michael Dell o n this phone right this seco n d ." " S i r, hold on j ust a second." A n d with a click, Da n i e l whi sked me away to the world of hold w h e re I waited for a bout ten m i n utes, each a n d every second of wh ich b rought a bout a redo u b l i n g of my scorn a n d hatred for this worth less a n d horri ble co m pa n y. Once it ended, I was g reeted by a very stern a n d u prig ht fe m a le voice, one which was obviously i n tent o n getti n g t h is issue solved n o matter what. " He llo, s i r, this is Dagney S i m mons, the manager of this floor. I have reviewed this call a n d u n d e rsta n d that you n eed assistance that o u r tec h n ica l s u pport ca n not offer. What can I do to h e l p yo u?" " I need M ichael Dell, Dag ney," I re pl ied . "Are you Michael Dell?" " U m , n o s i r, I'm not." "Then g o get Michael Dell, Dagney." " S i r, I'm certa i n that, if yo u ' l l j u st tell m e what your issue is, we ca n - " "My issue, Dags, is that you are not M ichael Dell, and I really need h i m on the phone right now." "My n a m e is Dagn ey," she co ughed, "And I'm sorry, but M r. Dell isn't rea lly a va i la b l e at this ti m e . However, I'd be more t h a n h a p py to ha nd l e t h is situation for yo u . Now, please tell m e w h at I can d o to h e l p you ." I took a deep breath, pausing a mo me nt to prepare myself mentally and physica lly. Slow ly, I released the a i r from my l u ngs, then i n h a led deeply a n d lau nched into a tirade. 1 71

Mentally Incontinent

" Dags, this entire experience has been one of comp lete frustration for me. To beg i n with , I ordered my laptop i n Apri l . It d i d n 't arrive u ntil late May. Once I d i d get it, I experienced noth i n g but lockups a n d freezes, so yo u r brilliant tech nical s u p port d e partment s u g g ested that a new motherboard would fix t hi ngs RIGHT u p - a n d they d i d , until the video card b u rned out!" "Yes, s i r, I u n dersta n d - " " Do you? D o you really, Dags?" "It's Dagney, and yes , I do - I j u st want to h e l p you i n t h i s situ at-" " Dags, I'm not fi n ished yet. Can I fi n i s h ? " " Dag ney." " Excuse me?" "It's Dagney, and yes, please cont i n u e ." I h u ffed a little as I conti n u e d . "We l l a nyway, Dags-" She ret u rned my h uff a n d began to correct m e once a g a i n , but I wasn 't a bout to let h e r. " Dags, this stu pid mach i n e went from freezing u p a n d going black to b u r n i n g hotter than the fires of H e l l . It sea red m y wrists to a crisp golden brown because the exha ust fan on the stupid t h i n g went out. W h e n t h e tech arrived with t h e fourth motherboa rd to be i n stal led i n it, the d a m n t h i n g was cracked right down the m id d l e , so h e had to o rd e r a fifth . Now Dags-" "It's Dagney," she s a i d sternly. " Right. Dags, after five mothe rboards, one would assume that ANY la ptop would be pretty much good to go. Th is one, however, has yet another issue - it hates me. It really, truly hates m e - so m uch so that when it ra n out of ideas to screw m e over, it j ust went back to the first one, freezing u p . Now Dags-" " Please, s i r. My n a m e is Dag ney." " W hatever," I said dism issive ly. " I ca n not work with this la ptop. It is clear that the d iffe rences between M r. Laptop and I extend far past the s u perficia l level a n d have transcended i nto p u re , u n a d u lterated hatred for one a nothe r. I'm afra id I'm g o i n g to need to ret u rn th is h u n k of ga rbag e to you ." " S i r, please - a l low m e to h e l p you t ro u bleshoot t h is issue. I'm s u re that we can h a n d l e t h is to your satisfacti o n ." " N O ! We a re WAY past that point, Dags! I've got to get rid of t h i s stupid, stu pid t h i n g a n d get a new l a ptop. That's the bottom l i n e . That's a l l there is to it. That's what's going to h a p pen . Got m e , Dags?"

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"My n a m e , M r. Peacock, is Dagney," she re p l ie d . "Now, u n d e rsta n d the a m o u n t of hostil ity present-"

I

d o n 't

"Don't u n derstand it?" I aske d . " I j ust EXPLAIN E D it to yo u . How the hell can you not u n de rsta n d it?" She got down to business. " S i r - I u n d erstand frustratio n . I u nd e rsta n d wanting wh at's w ro n g put right. However, hostil ity is something I do NOT u n dersta n d . Now, I have n 't been present for each of y o u r m is h a p s - I haven't eve n been invo lved . How does that j u stify you r hostil ity?" "WELL. . . u m . . . You see, it's . . . FIVE motherboards, Dags ! FIVE ! " "Okay, look - if you want m e to h e l p you, you w i l l ca l l me by my proper n a me, which is D a g n ey. Do you u n d e rsta n d ? " ''Okay, fa i r e n o u g h , Dagney. But-" "No. N o buts . Listen to m e for a mome nt." A few seco n d s passed . " We l l ? " " S i r, I know that you have had a hard t i m e with your la ptop, a n d I DO a p p reciate that, but-" "No, Dagney," I said, cutti n g her off, " I d o n 't th i n k you DO-" " M r. Peacock, PLEASE," she returned, cutt i n g me off i n k i n d . "If I may be a l lowed to co ntinue?" " By a l l mea ns." "Al rig ht. Now, by reviewing your cases, I see that n e ither Daniel nor myself have been involved with you prev iously, is that correct s i r?" I

thought for a moment, then re plied, " S u re, I g uess that's

correct." "Al rig ht. That being the case, you have a bsolutely n o reason to treat either of us the way you have. You r a n g e r at the situation is deserved a n d u nd e rsta nda ble, but s i r, there is no need to take it out on the people w h o are try i n g to help you ." It h it home i m m ed iately. I had become "that" caller. "Crap. M a n , I a m so rry, Dagney," I re plied. " I 'm j u st . . . You have n o idea how h a rd this has been . . . " " I u n de rsta n d , M r. Peacock. Now, let's work together a nd get this resolved." We chatted a m ia bly for a mome nt, w h e re u pon I explained my desire to return the laptop a n d get a fu l l refu n d for the price I pa i d . "O kay, h e re's the situati o n . I cannot return yo u r l a ptop - it's been longer than 9 0 days, and it s i m ply isn't possible. But-" "What do you M EA N , not poss i b l e ! That's not fair! It's q u ite 1 73

Mentally Incontinent

obvious that this l a ptop i s bad, i s n 't it? W h y can't you g u ys take back this broken laptop?" " S i r, hold on j ust one mome nt, and hear me out." I took a deep breath. "Alright, fi n e . I a m sorry. Please, do co nti n u e ." "What I w i l l d o to make t h is right is exch a n g e your laptop for a n entire ly new one." " B ut-" "And," she s a i d , s n i p i n g my efforts at rebuttal, " I a m prepa red to u p g rade it at n o a d d itional cost to yo u ." It's a m azing the effect the word " u pgrade" has on a tech nophile, as it i m m e d iately l u l led m e i nto a calm I had not experienced s i n ce I was a c h i l d . I was completely a m ica ble to each a n d every o n e of h e r suggestions for restitution, i nc l u d i n g the u p g rade on the processor and a h a rd d rive twice the size of my current o n e . She even promised overn i g h t d e l ivery, a p ro m ise that was made good . A few dozen "Th a n k you's " a n d "I'm so rry fo r being s u c h a jerk's" late r, Dag ney e n ded h e r session with m e a n d , I 'd i m a g i n e , headed into her office where h u n g a g iant canvas bag, w rote the world "Joe" across the fro nt of it, a n d laid into it like a n a n g ry badger would to a n N'Sync record.

VI. Louder Tha n A Bomb " Bass ! " I yel led loudly, scaring the holy hell out of m y dog Bil ly. " How low can you go? Death Row, what a brother knows . . ." Poor Bill­ the-Cat-the-Dog tucked her tail between her legs a n d exited the room as I bobbed my head and contin ued o n . " Back once again i s the i n ­ cre d i ble, the Rhyme A n i m a l J O E ! " A hop was i n my step a n d d u sting my office was a joy, t h a n ks to the boo m i n g a u d i o pouring forth from my s h i n y new laptop. For a porta ble computer, it had remarkably good sound q u a l ity - solid lows, tweaked highs, a n d a m id d l e that fi lled the roo m . -

" P u b l i c Enemy n u m be r one," I s h outed loud, exten d i n g my index fi n g e r to n o one i n partic u l a r, "Five-a said ' FREEZE!'-" "Joe." "And I got n u m b ! Can't I tell 'em that I rea l ly never h a d a - " "JOE ! " I spu n q u ickly to face the barely opened door of my office, my pretty wife's head poking i n a n d req u est i n g a mo me nt of my t i m e . "Yes dear?" 1 74

The Motherboard Chronicles

"We need to go," s h e re plied plai nly. "It's a l ready t h ree. We're going to be late." "Three?" I a s ked rhetorically. "Already?" "Yes, a I ready," s h e h uffe d . " I j u st told you that." "It was rhetorica l, A n d rea," I s n i pped.

"I

don't d isbel ieve you ."

"We l l , regardless, you need to q u it p re pa ri n g for y o u r career as a break-out wh ite rap star a n d get yo u r ass i n the shower. You know how yo u r mother gets w h e n we're late." S h e removed her head from the crevice a n d sealed it s h ut, reope n i n g it q u ickly and poking h e r head back throu g h . " O h , and don't leave that crap play i n g w h i l e you 're in there, either. We n eed to conserve energy." "CRAP? ! ?" I shouted . "This isn't crap - this is Public E n e m y ! Th is is CLASSIC ! " She closed h e r eyes a n d shook h e r head, then removed it from the room a n d s h ut the door once a g a i n . I cou l d n 't u n de rsta n d h e r frustratio n . Today was "Clean the House Day," a n d w h i l e she clea ned the living room , d i n i n g room a n d kitch e n , I made it my sworn d uty to d u st my bookshelves, m a ki n g s u re each and every d ust jacket had no need to d o it's job. What? That's clea n i n g , i s n 't it? We ll, i s n 't it??? O h , h u s h . You g uys

always take

her s i d e .

Anyway, I bou n ded over to my l a ptop a n d s h u t it dow n . I sm iled a tiny s m i l e as I thought back to more t u rbulent days n ea rly six months previous, when j ust looking at my Inspiron 8500 caused m e to break out i nto h ives. These days, t hings were g ra n d - a n d ve ry, very fast, thanks to the u pg rades Dags - e r, Dag ney, gave me, t u rn i n g me into a h a p py Dell customer. showered a n d hea ded o u t with my wife to visit my parents for no other reason t h a n the fact that they h a d n 't seen us i n over a wee k . The entire ride over, A n d rea a n d I bickered, d iscuss i n g the im proveme nts to the rest of the house that d u sti n g my book collection made. Th is, of course, led to a bitter overtone in o u r voice as we dealt with my very hy perse n s itive pare nts. Every s i n g l e word I spoke to my mother came off sou nd i n g (to her, a nyway) like a n i n s u lt or s n a ppy a nswer. This a n g e red my father, w h ich led to o u r ma ndatory wee kly fight a bout politics or what a rotten kid I was or something nonsensica l . I

By the time we arrived home at n i n e , my attitude was a bsolutely wretched. A l l I wa nted to d o was play some Rol l i n s B a n d extre m e ly loudly as I fi nished the d u sti n g e n deavor that had been dera i led earlier. I booted u p the Inspiro n - my friend, my only real fri e n d i n this worl d . Over the past six months we had formed a u n i o n . 1 75

Mentally Incontinent

It u n d e rstood m e . It held a l l my M P3's, it con n ected m e to the world via the Internet, and it held every s i n g l e story I had writte n . I j ust knew that once it had awoken from its forced s l u m ber, it would provide me with comfort and love a n d some kickass tunes. Yea h , rig ht. Apparently, it d i d n 't rea l ly like the fact that I had d is m issed it for so long a n d decided to voice its d ispleasu re ve ry, VERY loud ly. The second the m a c h i n e booted, a n intensely s h ri l l a n d EXTREMELY loud h u m began ema nating from the s peakers . I hit the 'vol u me down' button, rea l izing i m m ed iately that it was ha v i ng n o effect w h atsoever s i nce it h a d n 't even gone into Wi ndows. Th i n k i ng q u ick ly, I g ra b bed my head p h ones a n d p l ugged them i nto the port, hoping to s h u t those squea l i n g spea kers u p long e no ug h to fig u re out w h at was wrong . The room g rew q u ieter but the loud h u m m ing cont i n ued t h ro u g h the headphones. I logged i n very q u ickly a n d a s soon a s W i ndows fi n ished doing whatever the h e l l it does at startu p that takes so long, I i m m ed iately m uted the speakers i n the vol u m e control. "What the h e l l was that?" A n d rea said as s h e entered the roo m . " Did your television explode o r so m ething?" "No . " I said slowly as I went into the device m a nager. I sat s i lent as I d u g t h rough m e n u after m e n u on the a u d i o device i n a n atte m pt to d iscover w h at may be wron g . . .

Andrea stood ta p p i n g h e r foot beside m e . " H e l lo?" s h e said, wav i n g her hand i n front of my gasping fa ce. " W h at was it?" "OH . . . U m , I d o n 't know. I j ust booted u p the machine a n d that h u m started." " O h . We ll, at least it sounds better t h a n that Pubic E n emy-" "PU BLIC E n e my,"

I

s a i d , setti n g her stra i g ht.

" P u b ic, P u b l ic, whatever. It's horri ble." "You have no sense of taste i n m u s ic," I said as I a s ked W i n dows to re i nsta l l the d rivers for my a u d i o card . "Whatever, E m i n a i n 't. At least I d o n 't listen to that rap ga rbage." " O h ," I said with a scoff, "And Faith H i l l doesn't suck?" "Come o n ," she pleaded, "You know very well that I d o n 't listen to Faith H i l l ! " "Whateve r ! " I excl a i med as I clicked thro u g h the d ia logue boxes. "I went to d rive your car the oth e r d a y a n d BOOM - 'The Way You Love Me' popped o n the ra d i o ! " " Like I have any control over what Star 94 plays?" s h e sa id with a scow l . 1 76

The Motherboard Chronicles

" We l l , you listen to that station, a n d you know the risks. Sti l l , you accept th e m . Therefore-" I saw that W i n dows had co m p l eted the task of reinsta l l i n g the d rivers, so I went a head and opened the Vol u m e Control w i n d o w a n d began to adjust the levels - "You m u st like Faith H i l l , s i n ce you know there's a very h i g h likeli hood of her-" The loud h u m m i n g o n ce again poured out of the head phones st ill attached to the ma c h i n e . "That's the most ri diculous thing I've eve r heard," s h e said. "You l i sten to Star 94 som eti mes, too, so you m u st l i ke her as w e l l ." "The o n ly time I listen to that . . . that GARBAGE is when I 'm i n you r car." "Still, you choose to drive my car," s h e s m i rked . "You know the risks." I sta m m e red for a m oment, searching for some sort of co me back. I wasn't a bout to let that be the last word , so I d i d what a n y self respecti ng m a n d i d . I resorted to acting like a n infant. "Oh yeah? We l l - " I said, u n p l u g g i n g the headphones. A bloodcu rd l i n g sound screamed fro m the la ptop and we both covered o u r ears i n response to the pa i n . S h e i m m ed iately ran out of the roo m . I laug hed mockingly at my victory, then reached for the p ho ne . It had been so long since I'd called Dell, I actu a l l y had to look u p the n u m ber. I dia led it and listened carefully, for t h e i r m e n u had c h a n ged . I pu nched t h ro u g h the proper seq u e nce of n u m bers a n d in n o time was l iste n i ng to i ncred i b l y awful e l evator m usic on hold. Wow, that's differen t. . . usually they have something I a t least know,

I thought. The m u sic was soon brought to a n a brupt stop as some ch ittering young m a n beg a n m a k i n g odd noises into the phone. It took a m o m e nt, but I beg a n to recog n ize those noises as words. " [va rious u n i ntelligible sounds] t h is is [ n a me u n inte l l i g i b l e] . How a m I h e l p i n g you today?" " U h , h i ," I said, try i n g to find a way to say the n a m e that he had g iven to m e . I co u l d n 't. " U m . . . I have a problem with my laptop." "Yes s i r, if you a re to g ive yo u r Dell Express Service n u m be rs I ca n h e l p you with this." " U h . . . a l rig ht, it's [ m y Service Tag n u m ber, o m m ited for obvious reasons] ." More t h a n two m i n utes went by before I got a n y sort of reply. "Yes s i r, It would seem [ u n i ntel lig ible] this la ptop [ u n inte l l ig i b l e ] system." " U m m . . . H u h?" "This la ptop, the one you [ u n i ntel lig ible] a bout? This is not a

1 77

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Express Service n u m be r for a l a ptop i n the system." "Are you s u re?" I asked. Whatever was said next, I cou l d n 't poss ibly te l l you what it was. It was i m poss i bl e to deci pher the words that came across the tele phone. " S i r, I d o n 't u n d e rsta nd you . I'm sorry... Is there someone else you could transfer m e to?" " I a m sorry I a m u n a b l e [ u n intel l ig i b l e] ." "What?" " I a m u n a ble [ u n i ntel lig ible] ." "You a re n 't a ble to . . . what?" "I a m u n a ble [ u n i ntel lig ible] ." I h u n g u p . Fig u ri n g I could si mply try a g a i n a n d get someone I co u l d u n d e rsta nd, I red ialed D e l l . Going through the motions, I was co n n ected with a nother representative who spoke with a heavy fore i g n accent. It was M U C H easier to u n d e rsta n d the new person, however, so I gave h im the Express Service n u m be r he requested. "This Express Service n u m be r is inva l i d ," h e re p li ed. "What d o you m e a n it is invalid?" I asked i n shock. "It's inva l i d ," he re plied plain ly. " But . . . that does n 't m a ke sense. Can I read it to you once more?" He agreed, so I d i d . Once a g a i n , I was i n formed that the n u m be r was not i n the syste m . "Wait a moment . . . Co u ld that be because they s h i pped this laptop out to replace another one?" " I d o not know," h e re plied. " Do you know the Express Service Code from your older laptop maybe?" I searched vigorously in my file ca b i n et for my docu m e n tatio n . After a few m i n utes I h i t paydirt. "Ye p ! I have it right here. It's [the old Express Service Code ] ." A few seco n d s passed by. "The n u m be r you have g iven m e corresponds to a system that has been deco m m issioned ." " We l l , yea h , that was my old la ptop . It was busted, so they sent this new o n e out to replace it." " I a m sorry, y o u r n u m be r is not o n the fi l e . I a m going to have to a s k you to ca l l the Dell Custo m e r S u pport." Reaching my wit's e n d , I s i m ply h u n g u p a n d looked u p the

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The Motherboard Chronicles

n u m be r for Custo m e r S u pport. A few seco n d s a n d a few c u rses later, I was con nected - toll free, m i n d you - to custo mer su pport. " H i , welcome to Dell Customer S u p po rt," s h e s a i d h a p pily. "This is Amber, how may I h e l p you today?" "Oh . . . " I said i n shock. "You're A m e rica n . O h , okay, good ! " I explained i n g reat deta i l my situation a n d informed her of the switcheroo that took place half a year earlier. " O h , okay, I see. No p roblem, let m e get that taken ca re of for you ! " I heard a few m i n utes worth of clicking o n a keyboard a n d a little bit of mouth breath i n g . Shortly, she spoke once a g a i n . "O kay, I got you registered with your new Service Tag a n d Express Service Code . Your warranty expires on April 3 0 , 2 0 04." "Woa h ! "

I

excla i m e d . "20 04? I paid for a three year warra n ty ! "

" H m m . . . We l l , I have n o record of that o n this system." "We l l , can you check under the old system? I'm s u re you w i l l see it there." " S u re, j u st g ive me o n n n n e - O h , I see. We ll, that was for the old system w h ich has been deco m m issioned. This one is new and it comes with a one year wa rranty." sighed. "Am ber, that m a kes n o sense. Even if it d i d , I got t h is new o n e l i ke six months ago - it wou l d n 't expire i n Apri l , it'd expire in the s u m mer! But that's not the point. I paid 3 5 0 bucks for that wa rra nty, a n d I believe it should transfer right over." I

" O n e second, s i r," s h e said . Wo uld n 't you know it? Once a g a i n , I a m escalated to a m a nager. " H e l l o, This is Jenn ifer, the m a na g e r of this floor. How may I h e l p you, s i r?" won't even bother descri b i n g that conversation as it really d i d n 't take that long to convince h e r that I should get to keep a warranty I paid for. F i n a l ly, wa rra nty gets transferre d . I

"Alright, M r. Peacock, is there a nyth i n g else I can do for you today?" " We l l , yes, act u a l ly. This whole thing started with a n issue a bout the a ud io on my la ptop. Could you put me t h rough to techn ica l s u pport?" "Oh certa i n ly, I can tra n sfer you there now-" "Well," I s a i d , interru pting her. "If it's not too m u c h tro u b le, could you please tra n sfer m e to a h i g h - l evel, E n g l ish -spe ak i ng tech s u p port representative?" She paused a moment. "What d o you mean, s i r?" 1 79

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"Well," I said, " Every time I call tech s u pport, I get someone with a very t h i ck accent a n d they-" " S i r, even t h o u g h o u r techn ica l su pport g ro u p is located i n I n d i a , each m e m be r of the staff is a h i g h l y tra i ned p rofessional capa b l e of h a n d l i n g a n y situati o n ." " O h , I certa i n l y d o n 't d o u bt that, Am ber-" "Jen n i fe r," s h e corrected m e . "Er, J e n n i fe r," I continued, e m ba rrassed . " I don't d o u bt that they a re . It's j ust that, it seems, there is a lang uage barrier that is interfe ring with my a b i l ity to - " " S i r, t h e re i s no need to get u g ly." I don't q u ite know how to describe it, but j u st at that mome nt, my e ntire fi eld of vision was covered i n a sea of p u rple a n d o ra ng e q u estion ma rks. "Wait - u g ly?" "Yes s i r." "What do you m e a n ? How a m I being u g ly, m a 'a m ? " " We l l , I u n d e rsta n d that you may be used to l iste n i n g and working with A m e ricans," she explained, " But there is no need to i n s u lt o u r staff s i m ply beca use they a re located i n a n other part of the world." "Wha? I d i d n 't . . . W h e n d i d I i ns u lt a nyone?" " S i r, I need you to calm down." " H U H ? W h at the . . . CALM DOW N ? ! ? But I'm not . . ." "Okay s i r, it is obvious that we are u n a b l e to work together to solve t h is p ro b l e m . I a m terribly sorry that t h is is the case . Tha n k you for ca l l i n g D e l l , and have a - " " But wait!" I yelled. " I 'm not being rude, or mean, o r a nyth i n g like that! I'm not l i ke that, J e n n ifer. I j u st . . . There's this lang uage barrier, and if I ca n n ot com m u n icate with someone clea rly and effectively, it's i m possi ble to get a s ituation resolved." " We l l , I u n d e rsta n d that. But t h e re is n o excuse for bri n g i n g race into the issue." "Woa h , hold on . . . w h e n d id I EV ER bring race i nto the issue?" " S i r, you co m pla i n ed a bout the accent and insu lted o u r staff," s h e said, matter-of-factly. " N O ! I never d i d ! I s i m ply stated that there was a l a n g uage barrier. You have to understa nd, J e n n ifer, be i n g that I a m from Atlanta - the birthplace of the Civil Rig hts Move ment - being called a racist is q u ite the i ns u lt ! " " I u n de rsta n d that s i r. It m ig ht behoove you not to be o n e ." 180

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"WAIT!" I screa med . "I wasn't-" "Th a n k you for calling Dell a n d have a good day." And with that, a click echoed thro u g h the rece iver. I cou l d n 't possibly have felt like more of a n ass t h a n I d i d at that moment. M ustering u p my i n a b i l ity to accept a ny form of i n h erent rac i s m , I d i a led the Dell Tech S u p po rt n u m be r o n ce more. I was g reeted once again by a n East Ind i an accent which asked for my Express Service Code. I gave it to h i m a n d and co ntinued on to expla i n that there was a loud h u m m i n g com i n g from my s pea kers. " I a m sorry, that i s somet h i n g we a re not covering because they a re of a third pa rty. Spea kers a re not a matter of Dell a n d I ca n n ot h e l p yo u ." "Wait, it's . . . h u h?" "If you a re c a l l i n g a bout external spea kers and this I ca n not hel p." "No, it's not external speakers. It's the s pea kers on my lapto p itself. But I don't t h i n k that it's the spea kers . . . It's somet h i n g with the a u d i o itself. There's a loud buzzing a n d h u m m i n g , l i ke a wi re's been grounded or s h orte d . It h a ppens eve n if I plug headpho n es i n ." " Head phones?" he asked . "Are you saying head phones?" "Yes." "Im sorry, headphones a re of a third pa rty a n d this I can not hel p." " D ud e , I don't t h i n k you a re u n dersta n d i n g what I a m try i n g to te l l y o u . It's NOT the s peakers, it's NOT the headphones. It's the a u d i o o n the la ptop, a n d it's broke n . I need h e l p fi x i n g it." "You a re saying that this noises a re co m i n g from a spea kers a n d a headphones. These devices a re of a t h i rd pa rty, a n d this Dell ca n n ot h e l p . You a re needing to ca l l the device m a n ufacturer a n d get s u p po rt from them d i rectly because this I ca n n ot hel p." "Alright, fi n e . Escalate me to you r m a na g e r please." It took a little a rg u i ng , but I got it done. "This is [ n a me with h e l d ] ," she sa i d n icely. on this fl oor. Can I h e l p you?"

"I

am the ma n ager

"I j u st need to get t h is problem solved." "And with whom a m I speaking?" "Joe Peacock." "Yes Mister Peacock, how can

I

h e l p you?"

"Alright, My spea kers a re . . . Wait. No. My audio chipset has gone bad. It's ca using a loud howl to come from the speakers. I need this 181

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repaired. I have a l ready verified that the d rivers for the device a re fi ne, My vo l u m e control is fi ne, everyt h i n g seems h u n ky dory. It has to be the h a rdware ." "Okay s i r," s h e s a i d , "If you w i l l g u i d e your mouse to the lower right corn e r of yo u r scre e n , you w i l l see a s m a l l icon that looks l i ke a spea ker. Can you please open t h is for me?" "Look, I j u st TOLD yo u , I a lready checked it. My vol u m e controls are perfectly fi n e ." "Okay, can you please do t h is for m e . Can you please go to you r start button . . . "

"Okay, yeah, start?" "Yes s i r. Okay, can you please move your mouse to the control pa nel option i n you r start m e n u ? " " S u re . Control pa n e l . What next?" "Yes s i r. Okay, can you please open your 'Syste m ' window. . ." "I've a l ready done this," I expla i n e d . "Everyth i n g was fi n e . No yellow exclamation points, no red 'x's', eve ryt h i n g 's good." "Okay s i r," s h e continued, "Can you please move your mouse to the My Compute r icon o n yo u r desktop?" " S u re ." "Okay s i r, ca n you please right-click on t h i s icon?" I com pl ied . "Done." "Okay s i r, ca n you please sel ect "Pro perties?" "Ya h . Fine." "Okay s i r, from here, ca n you please select ' h a rdware'?" s h e asked. "Aw, come on ! Th is is j ust a nothe r way to get to the Device Manager." "Yes s i r. Now if you can please select 'System Devices,' I need you to ve rify that your-" I h uffed loud ly. " I have a l ready TO LD you. I've a l ready DO N E this. N OTHING is wro n g . Everyth i n g is fi ne. The h a rd wa re is bad . I need it to be fixed . Ca n you j u st send m e a new a u d i o controller, please?" There were a few mome nts of s i le n ce, a n d then ''Okay s i r, a l low me to place you on h o l d for a few mom e nts." S h e d i d . A few mome nts later, she returne d . " S i r?" "Yes?" I said with a s i g h , p re pa ri n g for the worst.

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"Okay s i r," s h e s a i d as she retu rn ed, " It would seem that we ca n n ot replace j u st yo u r a u d io controller as it is part of the h a rdware. We w i l l need to . . . " Let's a l l say it together - "REPLACE YOUR

MOTH ERBOARD." The res u lting scream was picked u p on a sate l l ite orbiti ng h i g h a bove the Earth a n d , for a moment, caused m u ch excite m e n t with the guys at the SETI labs. After a moment of a n a lysis, they i nstantly recog n ized the wave pattern as one of a frustrated caller to a tech s u p port department which had been outso u rced to a nother cou ntry, s h rugged, deleted the fi le, a n d went back to rac i n g each other i n their ro ller-ch a i rs u p a n d down the hal lway.

VII. Vive La Del l ! " H EY ! " M i ke shouted from behi nd the steering wheel of our rented Volkswagen S a h a ra van as it rou n d ed yet a n other corner with breakneck speed. "Could you please m a ke your stu p i d co m puter stop doing that?" "Could YOU please stop treating t h is g iga ntic van l i ke it's entered i n the Paris to Dakar ra l ly?! ?" I retorted . "You're going to get us a l l k i l led ! " "Well," h e said loud ly, "Maybe I could concentrate better on driving if your fucking h u m box back there wou ld s h ut the h e l l u p ! " " I CAN'T H ELP IT! " I screamed as I fl u n g my hands i n the a i r in a n effort to some how make m y point more va l i d . "ALL of the m a ps for this trip are on t h i s stupid l a ptop, a n d YO U R d u m b ass lost the headphone fix I made, so real ly, it's YO U R fa ult this thing is buzzing insane ly." I took a breath, s l i d back i n to my seat, a n d co ntinued a m idst the ea r- p iercing squeal pouring out of my Dell la ptop's h i-fidel ity spea kers . "So rea lly, It's either this o r we ask d i rections - a n d I d o n 't know a bout you, but g iven o u r g e n e ra l tempera m e n t with one a nother, I don't feel l i ke it's the best idea i n the world to stop h e re - i n Paris, a city notorious for hating u s A m e rica n s - when we've gone nea rly 72 h o u rs with N O sleep so that we ca n badger these people with what little I've reta ined of my h i g h school Fre n c h class ! " "Wait, hold o n - t h is is MY fa u lt ? ! ? " h e retorted . " H ow is your piece of s h it la ptop buzzing eve rywh e re MY FAULT? ! ?" "YOU lost the jack I put i n the h e a d phone slot!" I d e m a n d e d . "It's YO U R piece of s h i t laptop!" h e retu rned. "Maybe-" A n d rea interjected from my l eft, "-And this is j u st a h u n ch, but MAYBE - you two could co ntinue this pissing fight after we reach the hote l-" 1 83

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"Shut u p , A n d rea ! " M i ke shouted . " I d o n 't need-" " H EY! Don't te l l h e r to s h ut u p ! " I said as my testosterone s p i ke d . "That's my w ife you 're talking to ! " " We l l s he's MY fri e n d ! " Mike re pl ied. The va n sat s i l e n t as a steady to n e fi lled the vehicle. N o one knew what to say. " Du d e, that doesn't even m a ke sense," I stated . "Why w o u ld A n d rea being yo u r friend g ive you the right-" " I can defend myse lf, you know," A n d rea i n serted. " Es pecia l ly a g a i nst M i ke the wonder d u m my h e re . " "Wonder d u m my?" M ike re plied . "I'M not the one who i n s isted we d rive 7 2 h o u rs stra i g h t thro u g h E u rope j ust to get to Paris, now a m I?" " Listen You-" I

"No YOU l iste n - " I

And with that, A n d rea, M i ke a n d I flew i nto a cacophony of sleep-de prived nonsensica l yelling i n the m i d d le of Paris . . . Am idst a screa m i n g buzz from a laptop . . . In a van, down by t h e river. The Seine River, to be more accurate. Bea utiful river, really. . . So long as you aren't screa m i n g at t h ose you're s u pposed to be s h a ri n g the experience with . . . O r u s i n g a laptop that should have been re pa i red more than a month earlier for e m itt i n g a n extre m e ly loud tone from the speakers w h i l e you experience it . . . O r blocking a l l traffic on the largest major bridge across it, Le Pont Alexander III, with you r g iga ntic rental v a n . ''What!" A n d rea screamed as s h e turned to face me, irate a bout my interrupting a perfectly fine tirade by tapping h e r on the shoulder and s h u s h i n g h e r. "Listen," I said, placing my i ndex fi nger to my lips. "Hear that?" It took both M i ke a n d A n d rea a seco n d for it to register, but w h e n it d i d , the i r reaction was severe. " FUCK . . . All those horns . . . We're blocking the bri d g e ! " Mike sh outed as h e ra m m ed h i s foot on the accelerator i n a n effort to get the hell out of there. Once clear, h e p u l led over so that we could co ntinue o u r yel l i n g match, b u t before we cou ld, I beca me increas i n g l y aware of somet h i n g . We l l , not something, but rather the lack thereof. Apparently, I wasn't the o n l y o n e . " Hey," A n d rea s a i d i n m i d -exclamation, "Yo u r la ptop. It stopped buzzing." "Yea h , I noticed that too," I re p l ie d . Look i n g down at it i n d i sbel ief, a g ig a ntic s m i l e stretched across my face. " H oly cow . . . It's FIX E D ! " I shook it h a p p i ly. " IT'S FIX E D ! IT FIXE D ITSELF! H A ! "

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"No," said a n u ntil-th e n s i lent Trish from the back bench, s h attering my joy-fi lled d rea m . "I re placed yo u r lost headphone jack. The h u m was d riving me n uts." " O h ," I re plied, e xa m i n ing the h e a d phone slot on the left of the laptop to fi nd a p l u g sticking o u t from it. " But wait - where'd you fi n d the jack?" " I d i d n 't," she a n swered as she held u p the s l i ced -off end of h e r own headphones. "Wow, Trish . . . you sacrificed your head phones j ust to e n d the noise." I was fi ghting t h ro u g h the massive a m o u nts of adre n a l i n e that had b u ilt u p, b u t somehow, I fo u nd it with i n myself to be tha nkfu l . "That's . . . well, that's very k i n d of yo u ." "Yeah, I w i l l be without m usic u ntil I ca n buy some more, but s h it . . . A n yth i n g 's better than that stu pid H U M M I NG," she a n swered as s h e folded her a rm s across her chest. " U h . . ." A n d rea said ca l m ly. "You know, Tris h , you could have j u st . . . you know . . . plugged them i n without chopping off the e n d ." Trish looked at A n d rea, then at me, a n d t h e n fi na lly back to A n d re a . " FUCK ! " s h e shouted with a h eave and a scowl, wa king the ever-a sleep Lori who shook i n h e r seat next to Tris h . "Wuh . . ." Lori ma naged to squeak out through h e r sleepy haze. "Noth i n g , Slee p-o ," I a n swered. " N othing at a I I ." And sudden ly, we a l l started l a u g h i n g l i ke i n the sitco m s . Not that a nyth i n g was really fu nny a bo u t waking a sleeping passenger with a n a n g ry reaction to butchering your o n l y pa i r of headphones to s i lence a pierc i n g ly-loud ma lfunctio n i n g la ptop w h ile try i n g to find your way to a hotel in the m id d l e of a fore i g n city on 72 h o u rs of no sleep . . . We were a l l j ust del irio us. And starv i n g . " D u de," I said, "There's a McDo n a ld s over there . Let's hop out for a m i n ute a n d get some . . . U h , what t i m e i s it?" "Fuck . . . it's 4 : 00 ," M i ke rep I ied, refe rring to the post-me rid i a n version of that t i m e . "Yea h , so let's get some d i n n er t h e n ," I stated . " I could g o for a Roya l e with C h eese right about now." M i ke l a u g h e d . Trish l a u g h e d . Lori chuckled from beh i n d closed eyel ids. A n d rea, however, m issed the joke entirely. " H u h?" s h e aske d . ''A ' Royale with Cheese'," Trish a n s wered as M i ke started the van back u p. "That's what they ca ll a Quarter Po u n d e r with cheese i n Fra nee. Haven't you ever seen P u l p Fiction?" "No," she answered p l a i n ly. Sudden ly, the entire ca b i n of the vehicle became devoid of a i r as we a l l s i m u lta neously gasped. 1 85

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"Joe ! " Trish d e m a n d e d . " How could you possibly have let t h i s h a p pe n ? " "Don't look a t me," I re plied. " I take n o respo n s i b i l ity for this whatsoever." "What's so g reat a bout Pu l p Fiction a nyw-U U M F ! ! " A n d rea asked as M i ke took a nea rly 9 0 degree corn e r a t nea rly 9 0 kilometers a n h o u r, s la m m i n g her into the side of the va n . Ag a i n . "ASS H O L E ! " she sh outed. " H A H A ! " M i ke re p l ie d , i n d icati n g that he not o n ly d i d it on pu rpose, he d i d it j ust to piss us a l l off. "What's so g reat a bout it?" Lori repeated back to her, now wide awake , hoping to move past M i ke's ridicu lousness a n d talk a bout a n yt h i n g other t h a n what a jerk we a l l were being at this point. "God . . . what's NOT g reat a bout it? That's a classic movie ! " " Basical ly," I explained, "There's a very fu n ny sce n e between John Travolta and Sa m u e l L. Jackson w h e re Travolta explains that they ca l l a Q u a rter Pou n d e r with Cheese a ' Royale with Cheese' in France .�� " Well, s u re," she replied. " Beca use of the metric syste m . W h at's so fu n n y a bo u t that?" Once a g a i n , we a l l sat silent. " N ever m i n d ," I re plied . "Yo u ' l l j ust have to see it for yourse lf. Besides, we're here now. And j ust i n time, too," I added, seeing the fi n a l point of l i g h t fade away from t h e screen as the la ptop's battery reached the end of it's s u p posed extended l ife. We walked into the Pa ris i a n McDon alds a n d a pproached the co u nter. I n a n attempt to bri n g a l ittle levity to the situation a n d with Pulp Fiction sti l l o n my m i n d , I decided to forego the trad itional ' Parlez­ vous Anglais?' a n d i n stead, i n a very ca l m a n d l ig ht voice, asked the you n g m a n at the counter: " E n g l i s h , mothe rfucker. do you speak it?" Th is d rew ch uckles from a l l of my friends except A n d rea, w h o h it m e on the s h o u ld e r. "That's not very n ice !" she sa i d . " O h , relax," I re plied . "It's j u st another l i n e fro m - " "-From P u l p Fiction," t h e you n g clerk a nswered, fi n i s h i n g my sentence with a scowl on h i s face. "And yeah, I d o ." "Oh ! " I said with s u rprise. "You know the fi l m ? " " Well, yea h ," h e re plied . " Doesn't everyone?" "Not her," Trish a n s wered, pointing to my wife. H e gave her a stra n g e look. "Yo u 've never seen Pu l p Fiction?" he a s ked i n extremely well-spoken E n g l is h . '' NO, godda m m i t ! I've never seen P u l p Fictio n ! " s h e ex cia i m ed . 186

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"What's the big fu cking deal a bout P u l p Fiction?" " We l l , it's o n l y one of the classics of America n C i n e m a ," h e a nswere d . "ARGGGG H ! " s h e excla imed . " F I N E . It's a classic. Can w e j ust get some food, please?" " I s u ppose you'll w a nt a Royale with Cheese, e h ? " h e asked with a chuckle. "Yeah, s u re . Whatever," s h e re plied. "I'll take one myself," I interjected . "Sweetie, cou ld you g ra b that for me? I gotta go c h a rg e t h is piece of s h it Ia ptop." " La ptop?" he asked . " Need Wi-Fi?" " U h . . . YES ! " McDonalds???"

I

a nswered i m m e d iately. "They have W i-Fi in

"Yep," he a n swere d . "Just about everywhere here is Wi-Fi ena bled." He p u lled a card from the register and ha nded it to m e . "Instructions a re on the back." Like a j u n ki e getting h is first h it of the j u ice afte r days of with d rawa l , I litera l l y s printed to a n open ta ble a n d p re pa red myself for that beautiful h it of my chosen d ru g , the internet. I plugged u p a n d tu n ed i n , and within seconds, I was pou ring th rough nea rly a week's worth of e m a i l . I ta pped t h ro u g h each message, sca n n i ng for those which looked to be of major i m porta nce. I saw o n e from Trish's mom ta l k i n g a bout how the tra i n bom bing i n Madrid had everyone back home afra id for o u r safety, i nsisting that we contact them i m medi ately. I saw a nother expla i n i n g how a l l of o u r servers at work had serious issues a n d , if I fou n d time, it would be seriously beneficial to our co ntinued a b i l ity to service c u sto m e rs if I co u l d j u st d ro p i n for a moment a n d fix what was wron g . Emergency after emergency, issue after issue, I ta pped t h ro u g h each message as I attempted to pretend I'd never gotten them - and then, I saw it. Am idst the long list of i n bo u n d e m a i l , I saw peeking through the haze an " @d e l l . co m " e m a i l a d d ress. At first, I thought it was j u st another customer service s u rvey to find out j ust how p i ssed off I was that it had been a l m ost two mo nths since my last promise that my co m puter would be fixed. I exa m i ned further - there was a person's NAME before the @ symbol. A real person's n a m e . A person n a med Andy. With the cu riosity of a kid at Ch ristmas who'd just received a package with a stra n g e n a m e o n it, I h i g h l i g hted the message i n the list a n d began to read it. My eyes da nced t h ro u g h the e m a i l , eager to fi nd out w h at it was that Andy from Dell wanted to tell m e .

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I litera l l y sq uea led w h e n I fou n d out. "What?" M i ke said as he sat n ext to me at the g iga ntic corner booth I'd reserved for u s . "You'll never believe th is," I repl ied . H e took one look at the expression of d i sbel ief on my face. "What is it, a nother offer to e n l a rge your penis?" "No . . . Someone from Dell ema iled m e . Apparently, he's read the Motherboard C h ro n icles on my website a n d is offe ri ng to do w h atever it takes to m a ke what's wrong right." "Oh . . . We ll, tha n k God," h e said as A n d rea, Trish a n d Lori a l l made their way to o u r booth . "It's a bout t i m e someone took care of that t h i n g so you w i l l q u i t w h i n i n g a bout it." " W h i n i n g a bout wh at? " A n d rea asked as s h e placed my Royale with Cheese before me and took the em pty s pot of the bench next to me. " O h , Joe got a n e m a i l a bout e n la rg i n g h i s pen is," M i ke a nswere d . "I'm j u st glad this situation wi I I fi n a l l y be over." "What, not e n o u g h for yo u, M i ke?" Trish interjected, m a k i n g refe rence once a g a i n to M i ke a n d I d o i n g the gay together. "HAR HAR!" I said loud ly. "What are you now, my mother?" " I can't believe she rea lly thought you two were love rs," Lori c h i med i n . "God , s h e 's your mother, for ch rissake. You'd t h i n k s h e'd , like, know a n d stuff." " E h , that's my mom for ya'," I said, shrugging my shou lders. " No, this g u y from Dell e m a i led me. H e read my story a bout t h is la ptop on my webs ite a n d wants to h e l p me get it s q u a red away." "We l l , that's good news," A n d rea a n swere d . "Maybe now you'll s h ut u p a bout the d a m n - " "Too late," I said. "M ike a l ready sa i d that." I jotted a q u ick reply to Andy expla i n i n g to h i m that I was out of the country and that the second I retu rned stateside, I would be in touch. I tha n ked h i m at least 1 33 times t h roughout the course of my reply, ta king special care to call h i m a cham pion a mong m e n a n d co m m enting that his boss should g ive h i m a ra ise a n d a promotion. And then I took a bite of my Royale with Cheese a n d co m me nted in my best Sa m Jackson voice, "My, this IS a tasty b u rger!" Aga i n , everyone laughed except A n d rea, who j ust pouted and ca l led u s j e rks . Th ings moved rather q u ickly once I got home. It was near the end of March - a bout two months s i nce I'd last been p rom ised a re pair and a little over a year s i nce I'd first ordered the l a ptop . It took nea rly o n e year of constant try i n g to get my requests into the h a n d s 1 88

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of someone who actu ally gave a crap a bout h a n d l i n g my issues - a n d even then, it was n 't really thro u g h the norm a l cha n nels - but once Andy took over, every s i n g l e issue I had was ha ndled with the utmost expedience. The second I e m a i led h i m , he got to work with i n itiating a fu l l-sca le d i a g nostic on my system a n d , wit h i n a day, had a sol ution for me. The motherboard sti l l needed to be replaced, m a ki n g my seventh motherboard s i nce I'd ordered the l a ptop. And j u st to be safe, he replaced a ny and every component that could possibly be replaced without actua l ly o rdering a brand new la ptop, so as to m a ke s u re that there was n 't some sort of internal conflict. He ass u red me that, in the future, he was my m a n for a l l repairs. And yes - there have been re pairs that were necessary from that point u nt i l now. I've been thro u g h a keyboard , power su pply a n d a stick of RAM i n that time, but each a n d every issue was managed with the utmost exped i e n ce by my good pal Andy, a n d fortu nately, my seventh motherboard has persevered to the present day. It's u nfortu nate that there can't be a n Andy or a Da g n ey for each a n d every Dell custo m e r. I know that their goa l was ( a n d is) to m a ke thi ng s right with me, and real ly, that's fi n e a n d dandy. I t h i n k that's a fine goal for their departme nts to have. However, it's unfortunate that this goal i s n 't exactly held i n h i g h regard by a majority of the s u p po rt staff. S u re, a commitment to exce lle nce i n product m a n ufacturing i s s u pposed to be the n u m be r o n e t h i n g , but let's face it - things break. S u re, they break more with me tha n they d o with others, but still - things break. And w h e n they do, people need s u p port. At this point i n m y little jou rney, I'm con vi need that h a n d i n g them off the lowest bidd i n g outso u rced company fu l l of d ispassionate, u n derpaid, n o n - E n g l i s h ­ spea kers i s not exactly the best way to g o - b u t hey, I'm not ru n n i n g the company. I'm j u st writing a story a bout w h at ha ppens w h e n it's done that way. So, ladies and gentlemen, we co m e to what I a m considering to be the e n d of the long, long road I've traveled i n my q u est to get a working l a ptop - but fi n a l ly, I t h i n k I've succeeded . I can't tell you what a relief it's been to be a ble to work on stories with confidence, knowing that I can j ust relax a n d write without hav ing to worry a bout the machine going haywire a n d either freezing u p or b u rn i n g m e - or having to worry a bout calling I n d i a o n ce again w h e n it does. Yes, it seems that, i n regards to t h i s l a ptop, t hi ngs a re FINA

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WIN N E R

I'm J u st Dyi n g To Know You Other Stories What Goes Around . . . Sucks

# of Votes 64°/o { 144) # of Votes 18% (41)

No Relief At All

9%

(21)

An Open Letter To Drake

8%

( 1 9)

M y com ments: There a re some seriously wacky peo ple on this Eart h . T h a n ks to my luck, I've managed to know a n d/or date a l l of them. I would l i ke to say that this story was never intended to m a ke l ig h t of serious m e nta l ill ness, a n d I personally don't t h i n k it does at a l l . So if you t h i n k it does; if you can't see the real p roblem being a d d ressed in this story. . . I'm very sorry for y o u r serious m e ntal i l lness. For con tinuity's sake, I dated t h is g i rl around the beg i n n i n g of the school year. After that was Kasey from the story i n C h a pter 7 , w h i ch ha ppened the weekend before the events i n C h a pter 1 2 . Of course, a l l of this h a p pened well after the story i n C h a pter 4, but long before Chapter 1 0 . I th i n k that, one day, I'm going to have to d raw a m a p .

Reader comments : "Am azing how the tru ly psychotic whacko n u tj o b g i rls can pick out THE guy i n school who has n o idea what's going o n . It's l i ke a g ift from the Gods of Crazy."

-Grover "Sometimes it a m a zes m e how m u ch you are w i l l i n g to s h a re a bout yourse lf. Ma kes for tru ly great stories. Tha n ks for s h a ri n g this o n e ."

-Chefque

I'm Just Dying To Know You

I'm J u st Dyi n g To Know You

He i n h a le d deeply th ro u g h h i s nostrils as h e stared down at a m a n i la fo lder fu l l of records a n d docume nts that lay open on h i s desk. With his face pointed toward the desk, he ra ised h i s eyes to look i nto m i n e ( w h ich had previously been stud y i n g the b l u rri n g motion my thu mbs created as I twiddled t h e m i n a n effort to k i l l ti m e ) . I looked back at h i m and held my breath as I waited for h i m to say whatever it was i n h i s m i n d that tickled h i m eno ugh to cause the corn e r of h is l i p to c u rl u pward i n a n a m u sed s m i rk. "So . . . " he sa id, l ifting h i s head a n d sitting back i nto h i s h u g e leath e r chair. "Am a nda Peters, h u h ? " I sighed. Utterly defeated a n d no longer possessing the resou rces to try to contra d i ct it, I m uttered "Yes s i r, I g u ess so, s i r." He chuckled to h i mself as h e looked u p at the wh ite drop-ce i l i n g a n d the fluorescent l i g hts it co n ta i n e d . I s h ifted i n my seat, fee l i n g the a lternating red a n d black walls of D r. Schaf's office clos i n g i n on me a n d hoping that whatever it was h e was a bout to say wou ld be mercifu l, a n d if not that, at least brief. "We l l , son," h e said, a n d I braced myself for im pact. I drew in a si lent breath a n d held it as h e l i ghtly d ru m med h is desk with h i s fingertips. He looked right at m e a n d , with the same s m irk, said " I g u ess it's one of those lessons i n l ife. We a l l m a ke m istakes, h u h ?" Woa h . THAT was u n expected. I stared at h i m for a mome nt, u ns u re of what to say. This was very new to m e . Here was a m a n with whom I'd traded some m a n n e r of i n s u lt o r j i be with for the past t h ree years, eve r s i nce I'd become a n office a id e . We weren't enem ies by a n y mea ns; j u st the opposite i n fact. It was our crazy form of frie n d s h i p (or, at least, the closest thing that a n assistant principal a n d a st udent whom was C O N STANTLY i n tro u b l e could reasona bly s h a re ) . Every morn i n g as I w a l ked t h rough the back office to d e l iver his m a i l, he'd m a ke some sort of co m m e nt reg a rd i n g either lackluster performa nce i n the past weeke n d 's sporting e ndeavor or a wasted you t h , a n d I'd return with some s n otty re m a rk relating the proportionate relatio n s h i p between h i s Porsche 9 1 1 a n d his man hood o r m a ke some rip on h i s age. Even d u ring the still­ d i scussed "Opened Can of Tu na in Walte r's Locker I n cident" the year before, we traded a few barbs h e re a n d there and even laug hed as h e ba n ished m e to a week of i n -school suspension . It was how we related to one a noth e r. So natura l ly, w h e n h e tota lly d isregarded the j u iciest ba it I'd ever la i d out before h i m and let m e off the hook, I was a bit 191

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taken a back. " U h . . . Yes s i r.

I

g u ess that's true, sir," I said, re l i eved .

" O h , co me off it now," h e ret u rned as he sm iled. "You can d ro p the 'sir yes s i r' ga rbag e . You j u st got your b u tt handed to you by a g i rl i n a cafeteria fu l l of peo ple. I w o n 't force you to suffer a n y further h u m i l iation by paying m e any sort of courtesy." Zen a n d the a rt of co m bat - lower their defenses a n d strike w h e n they a re at ease. I l a u g h e d . "I was wondering when you'd fi n a l ly strike," I said as I leaned back i n my c h a i r a n d stretched. "And I was wondering why you were acting so u ptig ht," he answered as he picked u p his pen a n d t u rned h is attention to scri b b l i n g on one of the d oc u m e nts before h i m . "What, d i d you t h i n k you were i n some k i n d of tro u ble?" " No, I j ust knew I was going to hear yo u r crap," I sna pped i n retort, not betraying that I d i d , i n deed, wonder if I was g o i n g to get pu n ished for A m a n d a 's behavior i n the cafeteria a l ittle bit earlier. " I was just ... You know. Waiti n g for you to spring." He looked u p at m e i n the same m a n n e r he d i d earlier, with his head still down, and h u ffed a s m a l l l a u g h thro u g h h i s nostrils. "We l l , come o n . What d i d you expect ! " H e sm iled a n d retu rned h is eyes to the document he was working o n . As h e wrote, he said "You know, I probably S H O U L D suspend you ." "For what? ! ? " I aske d . ''Why, to save you from the h u m i l iation of having to explain this to the rest of the student body," h e answered with a ch uckle. "You j ust suffered some severe p u b l i c h u m i l iation." "Yeah, well. . . What else is new?" a l l used to it by now, I'm s u re."

I

asked rhetorically. "They're

"You have a point," he a nswered. "Sti l l . . . I m a g i n e w h at Reynolds a n d Ta u ru s a re going to say a bout th is," h e said, referri n g to two of o u r three footba l l capta i n s a n d , i ncidental ly, two of the o n ly three fo lks I actua lly l i ked on my team (the third being the kicker, Peyton D a u g htry - sti l l one of the best pai nters I've ever met) . " O h , Ch rist," I la mented, "Don't re m i n d m e ." I looked down at the floor between my g i g a ntic feet a n d beg a n identify i n g patterns in the checke rboard layout i n a n effort to get my m i nd off of the fact that, even though Ama nda Peters h ad j ust performed some sort of pissed-off fe male k u n g -fu o n the back of my head d u r i n g l u nch, the worst of the pa i n was yet to com e . I sti l l had footba l l practice to look forward to.

1 92

I'm Just Dying To Know You

"So," D r. Schaf said, brea k i n g the m i n ute or so of silence which sat between us as h e fi n is h ed the pre l i m i n a ry p ieces of the incident report h e was fi l l i n g out, " Would you l i ke to te l l me how t h is h a p pe ned?" " S u re," I respo nded. "Where do you want m e to beg i n ? " "Why don 't you start at the beg i n n i n g a n d I'll j u st p u l l out the pieces I t h i n k a re i m portant," he s a i d with a s m i le , i n d icating that he was interested i n m uch more than j u st the l u nchtime beat-dow n . "It might take a w h i l e," I re p l ied with a chuckle. "The rest of the school day, i n fact." "Good ! " h e excl a i m e d . " I d o n 't feel l i ke working for the rest of the day a nyway. Let D r. Haou k a n d Mr. Lee h a n d l e the rest of the m iscreants." We s h a red a l a u g h as I began my ta le. *********

H e r blonde eyelashes were batti n g and her s m i l e was i n nocent a n d sweet. H e r a rms were intertw i n e d a n d fu lly exte nded i n front of her a n d she looked very nea rly l i ke a g reeti ng card . Th is g i rl was so adora ble, it s h o u l d have been sicke n i n g . In fact, it proba bly wou ld have been if it weren't for the fact that the note s he'd shyly g iven to me a few m i n utes ea rlier (that I ins isted on rea d i n g right that moment in her presence, des pite h e r e m ba rrassed pleas to the contrary) state d , q u ite clea rly, that she was really i nto me. And n ot o n ly that - It a lso confessed that she'd had a crush on me for the past t h ree years. Yep, that's rig ht. A g i rl l i ked me. A n d yes, I was j u st as blown away then as you a re right now. I wasn't used to g i rls co m i n g u p a n d ta l k i n g to me. U s u a l ly, it was the ot her way a ro u n d , and q u ite freq uently e n ded with them saying " N o ! Now go away or I'll mace y o u . Again ." " U h , let's . . . U h . . ." I could barely t h i n k of what the h e l l it was I was trying to say. N ever before had a g i rl told me that S H E had a crush on M E , and as s u c h , I was caught without having re hearsed a n y sort of response plan - a n d g iven that we were both waiting to go out a n d be a n nou nced as m e m bers of o u r respective sporting collectives (me with footba l l and her with softba l l ) , I was utterly a n d co mpletely u n prepared, a n d she was awaiting a res ponse. Sta m m e ri n g , I managed to b l u rt out a g a i n , " Let's . . . U h . . ." Oh, come on. Just say it, already. You can do it. 1 93

Mentally Incontinent

Yeah, but WHAT? What do I say??? What do you mean, " What do I say, " you jackass ? What is it you want to do with her?

Hrm .. You mean, like, right now? Yeah. . . Like, right now.

Well, if it weren't for the fact that we're surrounded by a thousand other students at this god-awful pep-rally, I'd want to grab hold of her tight littleNo, not THA T, you horny bastard.

Well, I do! Yes, yes, of course you do. I meant

BESIDES that. Something

more appropriate ... Or, at the very least, civil.

Hmm ... I have no clue. What the hell SHOULD I do with her? Well, perhaps you might - and this is a long shot, I know, but - maybe you should TALK to her.

You know . . . Outside of your head .

With your mouth.

Uh ... Okay! Yeah! That's actually a good idea. There you go! See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

No ... I g uess it wasn't! Alright, then - GO!

My bra i n released its g ri p on my to n g u e a n d a l lowed me to fi n a l l y ask w h at it was I'd agonized over for the past ... O h , two seconds or so. " U h . . . H ey, u m ... "

... SHIT! Shitshitshit! What?!? What is it NO W?

I DON'T KNOW H E R NAM E! Oh, come on, sure you do. It is on the note she JUST handed you that you JUST read. You DID read Amanda's note, didn't you?

Yeah, sure I read it - She used to ride the school bus with me, she thought my antics were funny, and she has had a crush on me for a while . . . . That's it?

Well, no, she said other stuff after that, and my eyes went over all the words on the paper and stuff, but my mind kinda ... You know. Locked on that whole "I like you" thing. So, 1 94

I'm Just Dying To Know You

uh ... I don't really remember what else she wrote . . . . You /re a moron.

Oh?!? Well, if I'M a moron, then YOU'RE a moron, too. A u contraire, mi amigo. You might flit around from topic to topic up there in your conscious mind, but back here in the subconscious, I pick up every little thing that goes on around you. I take it in, I process it, and I hold on to it. Thus, I know what she wrote in the rest of that note, and I know her name .

... Wait - you DO?!? Mm-hmm. In fact, I just told you what it was not a millisecond ago.

You did?!? What i s it! ! ! Oh, come on. Think about it, it'll come to you.

" U h . . ." It was right there ; poised on the t i p of my tong u e like a s u icide j u m pe r on the edge of a n interstate overpass. It wanted ohso des perately to j u st lea p right off a n d fi n a l l y end this u ncomforta ble situatio n . But a l l I co uld d o was stare at this poor g i rl who'd j u st confessed a t h ree-year long crush on m e like I was a d e ra nged Alabaman U FO spotter d ru n k from the prod u ct of h i s own st i l l ; staring into the head l ig hts of a n old Ford Fa irla n e hoping to God that "Them a l i e n s wo n 't do n ut h i n to m a h co rnhole." I was a bout to ru i n someth i n g that had n 't even started yet. *sig h * Fine, fine. I'll clue you in. But YOU OWE ME ONE.

"Amanda ! " I yel ped loudly as h e r n a m e s u d d e n ly flashed before m y m i n d 's eye. It seemed to take h e r a bit by s u rprise, j u d g i ng from the look o n h e r face. Now was the time to recove r from the past few seconds of l u n acy a n d really im press h e r. . . You know. S h ow her that a l l the time s he'd spent secretly l i k i n g m e wasn't tota l ly i n va i n . O r, at the very least, prove that I wasn't tota l ly and completely crazy. " U m . . . Could we, you know . . . G o somewhere a n d , l i ke . . . Ta l k a n d stuff? Like . . . We cou ld g o i nto the wrestling room rig h t there," I s u ggested, pointing j u st b e hi nd h e r to the tea m 's practice room w h e re I'd be spending most of my time after football season . " O r perh a p s we could talk outside? Get a little fresh a i r o r someth i n g ? " I followed that u p by w h i pping my h a n d to the right a n d pointing to the exit door situated down the h a l l and next to the locker roo m s . " O r, I d u n n o . . . Someth i n g ? Somewhere ? Like . . ." "Joe," she said, thankfu l ly i n terru pti n g me before I started i n o n 195

Mentally Incontinent

the truly d isassociative cra p, like recipes for muffi ns. "Yea h?" " I t h i n k someone wants you." She poi nted to an area d i rectly be h i n d m e w h ere I thought I had heard someone ye l l i n g j u st a second ago. I d i d n 't exactly know what the heck they were screa m i n g about, but it sounded suspiciously l i ke" Hey, PEACO CK ! " I heard Matt Ta urus yell a g a i n . I w h i pped my head a ro u n d to see the 5 ' 1 1 ", 2 5 0 1 b defensive tackle w ith h is g iga ntic arms bent at the e l bow so as to place h i s h a nds at his mouth a n d a m p l ify h i s baritone voice. "They j u st ca lled yo u r n a me ! ! " " U h . . ." I said, not q u ite s u re w h at was g o i n g o n here. I m e a n . . . I should have known what that was a l l a bout. In fact, I believe at one po int I D I D know why they'd call my n a m e over the PA system i n the g y m . But at that point, I was n 't even really s u re what"Qu it sta n d i n g around a n d GET OUT T H E RE ! " Matt yelled, po i nting a meat-hook of a n index fi nger out of the dou ble doors a n d toward the gym nasiu m tloor. looked back at A m a n d a , who was g ri n n i n g . I wasn't s u re if it was a n e rvous g ri n o r a n a m used grin, but it was ha ppening a n d I d i d n 't have much time to fig u re out w h ich was w h i c h . I tlashed a bright s m i l e at her, s h rugged my shoulders, a n d then tu rned 180 degrees on a trot out of the back h a l lway of the gym a n d onto the basketba l l co u rt. I

On either side of the exit l ea d i n g to the floor were matc h i n g rows of u n derclassman football players, a l l with their hands outstretched a n d nearly touch i n g the tloor for a con g ratu latory " Low Five". I crouched down into a near wad d le to s l a p palms with them a n d in the process, I looked ve ry, VERY coo l . I jogged a long this t u nnel o' testoste rone until it d e posited m e squarely i n the m i d d l e of the gym tloor a lo n g with my other S e n ior class tea m m ates. The crowd clapped a n d cheered a little, not h i n g s u pe r spectacular - m e rely the typical response of a lackadaisical student body who realized that a nyth i ng , eve n a football pep ra lly, was better than l a n g u is h i n g i n the 6th a n d fi n a l class period of our school day. Even though I'd enjoyed . . . Wel l , m a rg i n a l success i n my footba l l career at Mount Zion, I was pretty m u ch as d istanced as one ca n be from be i n g part of the actual jock crowd, a n d my entire footba l l career was mere l y something to keep me co n d itioned for the u pcom i n g wrestl i n g season each yea r. So bas ica l ly, I d i d n 't care, the students d i d n 't care a n d my tea m d i d n't care that Joe Peacock had j ust entered the bu i l d i n g ; rather, it was a n other black & red Mount Zion jersey trotti n g out into v i ew, wh ich m e a nt "time to cla p." I took my place with my fellow Sen iors a n d cla pped a lo n g w h i le 196

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Matt Ta u rus, the last of o u r ilk, entered the h u m a n -l i ned "Pathway to G l o ry" a m idst a strong response from the crowd . H e was one of o u r three footba l l capta i n s , a fo u r year "A ll State" player, and one h e l l of a n i m pos i n g fig u re . But h e was a lso someone I l i ked and respected (one of the very very few) . Once he made h i s way to me, I picked h i m u p and swung h i m a ro u n d as h e ra ised h i s fists h i g h i n the a i r. The st udent body enjoyed t h is l ittle d isplay of machismo and cla pped even louder as a result of their beloved Matt being h e l d a loft. As I put h i m back down s q u a rely o n the floor, h e looked at me ea rnestly, as if we were the only two people out there, and said, "So . . . Amanda Peters, h u h ?" I nodded, not exactly s u re w h at he was i m p l y i n g . The n , j u st as he o pe n e d h is m outh to follow u p o n h is cryptic q u esti o n , a loud voice ca m e boom i n g across the g y m 's PA system, y e l l i n g " . . . And these a re you r Mount Zion H i g h School Sen ior B u l ldogs!" M r. Barge, the fa m i l i a r voice that emceed every s i n g l e event that occurred at our school, was e m phatic i n h i s encoura g i n g that the pep rally attendees " S h ow you r s u p port for this g reat team and put your h a n d s together!" His u nfortu nate t i m i n g d rowned out whatever it was that Matt j u st tried to tell me, a n d before I co u l d a s k h im to repeat it, I felt a huge crowd form i n g a ro u n d u s . The rest of the tea m closed i n on us to form a h u g e h uddle a n d , i n u n ison, we a l l began s l a p p i n g o u r th i g h s a n d clapping i n rhyth m . The pulse grew faster a n d faster a n d faster u ntil Matt raised h is hand h i g h i n the a i r from the center of the ri n g . Much l i ke a g ro u p of baboo n s , we a l l began g runti ng i n cadence a n d co ntinued to do so u ntil h e d ropped his raised fist, wh ich we responded to by screa m i n g o u r battle cry as loudly as poss i b l e : "G oooooo BU LLDOG S ! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! " The rest of the pep ra lly went as you proba bly re m e m be r them going, g i ven that you have ever bee n to o n e . The rest of the tea m s playing i n sports that were i n season were a n n o u nced a n d no one rea l ly gave a d a m n . I mea n , seriously - w h o cares a bout the cross co u ntry tea m ? And as for the the weightlifting tea m . . . G ive me a break. O n ly the softball s q u a d , of which A m a n d a was a m e m be r, got even a m a rg i n a l s h o w i n g from the st udent body, and th at's beca use they were State C h a m pions for the past three years - a n d someo n e , somewhere , actua lly cared a bout that fact. Nope, i n o u r school there were esse ntia lly o n ly two s po rts - football a n d wrestl i n g . A n d o u r footba l l tea m was, with the notable exception of last year, terri b l e . After o u r l ittle gathering i n s u pport of school spi rit was over, the school bells ra n g a n d everyone d i s persed to their collective social g roups. The footba l l players a l l chatted for a few m i n u tes a n d , tha n kfu l ly, were g iven the rest of that Friday off as a reward for worki ng so h a rd a l l s u m m e r, with the caveat that a n yone who d id n 't show u p to the a n n u a l Booster C l u b Cookout the next day "was a dead 197

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man come Monday afte rnoo n ." I took off a n d practica lly spri nted to the g i rls locker room a rea to wait for Amanda, who was a l ready out a n d waiting for me. We s h a red a s m i l e a n d a " h i ", clasped h a n ds, and w a l ked out to t h e parking lot, where we met M i ke who was waiting i n his usua l spot with h is B itch i n ' Camara . "It's a bout time," he said, fo l d i n g closed a copy of some sort of skateboa rd ing o r snowboard i n g magazine that he was rea d i ng o n the hood of his car. " I was a bout to leave without you." "Yeah, l i ke you'd be so brave," I responded with my chest a l l puffed out i n a n effort to im press the lovely young A m a n d a with m y testoste rone-fi l ied brava do. "Whatever," M i ke sa i d , ro l l i n g h i s eyes. " B ig ta lk for a m a n with n o car." I s m i led at h i m with my eyes wide as p latters a n d my teeth ba red i n a forced g r i n , non-verba l ly saying " S H U T U P A N D D O N 'T EMBARRASS M E, JACKASS." Catch ing the h int, h e s m i led sli g htly a n d turned his attention to Amand a . "So," h e said with a s m i rk, "I i m a g i n e you'll be wanting a ride home as well?" " U rn , if that's okay?" she a n swered shyly. " S u re, you l ive, what, l i ke three blocks from Joe?" "Yeah . . . How'd you know that?" s h e a s ked, a l ittle bewild ered . " H e knows everyt h i ng ," I said, reaching for the passe nger door a n d ope n i n g it with a loud crea king so und. "About everyo n e . A l l the time." "1. . .

see . . ." A m a n d a said with a n i m mense a m o u n t of t repid atio n .

" Ba h ," M i ke responded. "The re's probably some stuff I d o n 't know . . . But I'm not s u re what it is." " I d o u bt that," I replied as I folded the front seat forward and ushered Amanda i nto the backseat. I followed her back there , reached forward to s h ut the door and re placed the seat to it's proper u pright position. "Yo u ' re pretty m u ch the G ra n d Central Station of gossip i n this school." He tossed h i s magazine i n to the e m pty passe nger seat of h i s '82 Camara, then plopped heavily into the d river's seat a n d slam med his door. " W h ere to?" he said with a faux British accent. "Why, to my a bode, W i l s h i re," I re plied, e l iciti ng a s m a l l l a u g h from A m a n d a . M i ke s i m ply rolled his eyes a n d cranked the ca r. The ride home was rather u n eve n tful - mostly because we had H e l m et blaring from the C D player, m a k i n g genera l conversation somewhat d ifficu lt. At some point d u ri n g the d rive, A m a n d a had seized 198

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my h a n d a n d clinched it tig htly between two of h e r o w n . I looked over a n d s h a red a s m i l e with her. M i ke looked at us i n the rearview a n d shouted, loud e n o u g h that it could be heard over Page H a m i lton's g n a rly screa ms, "Ah - H A ! Yea h , go for it buddy ! " I sla pped hard on h i s baseba l l cap-clad head, s h ov i n g the button o n the tip-top into his s k u l l . H e s h u t u p after that. We p u l led into my n e i g h borhood a n d Amanda g u ided M i ke to her house, a few streets over from m i n e . We p u l led i nto the d riveway a n d I exited from the passenger side, h e l p i n g Ama nda out b ehind me. S h e t u rned to face m e and s m iled sweetly. Brightly, s h e a s ked me i n to meet her mom a n d see h e r house. I d i d n 't see a n y h a rm i n that proposition, so I agreed. I d u cked down to look i nto M i ke's open passenger w i n dow to let h i m know that I wo u l d n 't need a ride home. His response? " Wear protection, b u d d y ! " H e slam med the ca r into reverse with h i s d ra g - racing q u ick­ sh ifter a n d peeled out of A m a n da's d riveway before I could l e a p thro u g h the wi ndow a n d across t h e seat to stra n g l e h i m , and with a g n a s h i n g of teeth and a p ro m ise of later reve n g e , I followed Amanda into h e r house. Her mom was sitting at the d i n i n g room ta ble j u st to the right of the fro n t door. S h e stood a nd h ugged h e r d a u g hter h e l lo, then greeted me k i n d l y a n d let m e know how g reat an honor it was to fi n a l l y meet m e . "Am anda's been ta l ki n g a bout you fo r, oh, a bout t h ree years is it?" she asked as she looked at h e r d a u g h te r, who was b l u s h i n g i n n ocently. S h e turned back to m e and cont i n u e d . "I've read a bo ut your ach ievements and such i n the papers - you're q u ite a re marka ble yo u n g m a n ! " " O h , no m a 'a m , not at a l l ," I responded, extremely d is m issive of such accolades. To be mentioned i n a n article i n the loca l paper meant that you played a sport or hel ped the schoo l 's art c l u b paint the w i n dows at the local reti re ment home for the holidays. "I t h i n k that the Clayton N ews/Daily is j ust hard u p for materia l , to be hon est," I confesse d . She na rrowed her eye l id s a n d s m i rked . "It's n o wonder s h e likes you," she sug gested. Amanda then i nterjected and sug gested that we see the rest of the house, then took my h a n d and g u ided m e a ro u n d as she showed me the various rooms a ro u n d her h o m e . I con g ratul ated her on the va rious softball a n d horseback- r i d i n g trophies a n d award s proudly d i s played i n the d e n , a n d g a s pe d i n a m azement at the g iga ntic 1 2 0 ga llon saltwater a q u a ri u m located i n the living room . S h e went th ro u g h the excessively m i n d - n u m b i n g process of n a m i ng each a n d every fish 199

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in the tank as I s m iled and nodded, somewhere i n the back of my m i n d wondering - as I a lways d o w h e n I meet enth usiasts of aq uatic life - how the hell a fish ma kes a good pet. Rather than leap into my typical d iatribe on the s u bj ect, I elected i nstead to re m a i n s i lent as we progressed u psta i rs into the game room a n d was ed ucated o n the s u btler points of pool and backg a m m o n , two of her fa m i ly's favorite games. Leav i n g there, we walked past her parents' room (a sta n d a rd do-not-enter a rea of a ny youth's home) a n d those of her s i b l i ngs, a n d then fi n a l l y a pproached the closed door of her room, w h ich was adorned with the typical signs a n d pictu res I'd learned to ex pect to fi nd o n most tee nage g i rl 's room doors. S h e sw u n g t h e door open a n d invited m e i n , a n d as I entered, it felt l i ke I was ste p p i n g t h rough a portal into a magica l a n d mystical world i n w h ich there were three nota ble rel ig ious fig u res - horses, fi s h , a n d m e . I was blown away. Situated i n between a w a l l fi l led with posters of horses a n d rid e rs a n d a nother covered i n magazine cut-outs a n d articles a bout various types of fis h , there stood a wall with a g iga ntic m i rror o n it that reflected the doorway as you entered. Th e re I stood, loo king at myself - but not i n the m i rror. A ro u n d the fra m e of the m i rror, on the wall, were taped or tacked j ust a bout every s i n g l e newspa per a rticle and yearbook photo of yours truly. There were copies of poems a n d stories I'd written for both my j u nior h i g h a n d h i g h school litera ry magazines. Th e re were copies of the flyers I'd pasted a ro u n d school my tenth g rade year, encoura g i ng everyone to vote for me as class president ( w h ich I ran for on a platform of "soda machi nes i n every classroom" a n d a n increase i n portions from the school cafeteri a . My ru n n i n g mates, M i ke and Jay, ran as VP a n d Secretary, respective ly, and we ca l led o u rselves the Mount Zion Axis Coa lition. Lo n g before there was Photoshop, there was a n X-acto knife a n d paste, a n d I 'd used both to put o u r faces on the bod ies of Adolf H itler, Benito Mussol i n i and H ideki Toj o. N o one got the joke . ) . I knew i m m e d iate l y that th is was either the scariest o r most flattering thing I'd ever seen i n my life, a n d had to q u ickly m a ke a decision o n w h i c h . " Holy crap," I said a lo u d , m y eyes opened w i d e a n d m y mouth a g a pe . I tu rned to look at h e r, a n d she was doing that whole eyelashes flutteri ng/arms intertw i ned t h i n g a g a i n . "You l i ke it?" s h e a s ke d . "We l l , s u re ! " "Good ! ! ! ! " she a n swered. " I told you I've had a crush o n you for a long time . . ." "Err. . . Apparently so . . . " I said. I t u rned back to look at the 200

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"co l lage-d u -Joe," a n d j ust ha ppened to notice a clock o n the wall w h ich read 5 : 0 0 PM. " S h i . . . E r, Shoot ! " I a n nou nced a loud . "I'm s u pposed to meet M i ke and Walter for pool to n i g h t ! " "Aww," she re plied pitifu l ly. Then s h e i m m e d iately brig htened a n d suggested that they come over a n d play in the g a m e room at her house. " We l l , u nfortu nately, we've got a l ittle wager g o i n g on with some g uys at the Ta ra Pool H a l l to n i g ht," I re plied . "We g otta go there." "We l l , cou l d n 't

I

g o with you?" s h e asked.

I thought it over a moment. I rea lly wanted h e r to go a lo n g , but beca u se these were a l ready esta blished plans, I felt that it was probably best to j u st make it a g uys-only type of t h i n g . " I d u n no, A m a n d a , I t h i n k to n ig h t is probably not the best n ig ht to try a n d go out a n d such. I t h i n k the g uys are expect i n g j ust me." " O h , I'm s u re they won't m i n d ! " she a nswered, a n d darted past me toward h e r phone. S h e picked it u p a n d began d i a l i n g n u m be rs . " U h . . . Who a re you ca l l i ng?" I asked . "Your friend M i ke . I'm going to find out if it's okay if I go." " O h . Okay," I said in a g reement. It d i d n 't even occur to me that s h e d i d n 't need to look i n the phone book for h i s n u m ber. " U h . . . Hey, M i ke?" I h e a rd from her e n d of the phone. "This is A m a n d a . No, A m a n d a Peters. What? W h at do you m e a n 'Am a nda Peters who?' You j ust d ropped m e at my house a little w h i l e ago. I'm dating your fri e n d Joe."

Dating??? We're DATING??? Apparently we are.

"Yeah, he said you guys a re going to the pool h a l l to n ig ht ... Yea h . Yea h , he d i d . Yea h , he i s . Wa nt to talk to h i m ? Okay, here h e is." S h e h a n ded me the phone and added, "He wants to talk to you ." " He llo?" I said into the mo uth piece . " D u d e . . . What the fuck?" M i ke res ponded. "What ? ! ? " I asked in res ponse. "You know we have that t h i n g with the Fox brothers ton i g ht, J oe . . . " " We l l , I don't i m a g i n e they'd m i n d too m u ch," I said, trying to ignore the fact that h e obviously d i d n 't want h e r there . "You a l ready m a d e plans with m e and Wa l ly," he res pon ded . 201

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"It's n o good. Come o n ... Don't do t h is to us." "Alright, that's cool," I s a i d , try i n g to play like Fonzie o n the other e n d . "See you tonig ht." I pressed the con nect button and h u ng u p on h i m before he co u l d say a n ything else. "So?" she asked excitedly. "Yea h . . . You know, I don't th i n k ton ig ht i s the right n ig ht for this," I a n swere d . " But you 're going to be at the Booster Cookout fu n d ra iser tom orrow, right?" She d ropped h e r eyes to the g rou n d . "Yea h , I'll be there," she re p l i e d . "Great!" I s a i d i n a vi brant to ne, atte m pting to cheer h e r up. "W hy d o n 't we catch u p then?" she looked u p at me. "And," I added, "Why don't we try to catch a movie or someth i n g on S u n day? You know . . . J u st the two of us?" Her face broke out i nto a s m ile. "That's a great idea ! We'll have so m uch fu n ! " agreed, a n d with that, I h u gged h e r goodbye. As we broke from o u r h u g , we looked i nto each others eyes . I fe lt l i ke it m ig ht be a good time to try to kiss h e r, but a g a i n , given m y utter lack of experience i n these matters, I el ected i n stead to vie for safer waters. I sm iled, h ugged h e r a g a i n , and took off. I

The jog home was short - a l l of three a n d a h a lf blocks. I trotted at a fairly l i g ht pace i n the early Septe m be r heat, not wanting to have to shower again before I went out with the fellas. A sca nt five m i n utes later, I b u rst thro u g h the front door of my parents' home a n d headed stra i g h t for the p h o n e I heard ri n g i n g from my roo m . Very q u ickly, I scooped the h a n dset from its cradle and a bruptly a nswere d . " H ey ! " the fe m a l e voice on the oth e r e n d c h i m e d . " U h . . . h i," I said, try i n g to place the voice . "It's A m a n d a ," she said, a nswering my u n asked q u estion . " O h ! We l l , h i ! "

returned . "What's u p?"

I

" I j u st wa nted to let you know how m u ch fu n I had today," s h e said i n response. " We l l , u h . . . O ka y ! " I a n swere d . " I . . . u h . . . I had fu n , too ! " "Great!" she res ponded . I ch uckled i n response to her res ponse. She l a u g hed back i n response to my res ponse to h e r respo nse. A n d after that . . . s i l e n ce . . "S o, u h . . ." I sa 1 d •

" U h . . . Yea h ," s h e responded with a s m a l l la u g h . I

l a u g hed a g a i n myse lf, t h e n said "We l l , I g uess I'd better go so 202

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I ca n get ready." "Yea h , okay," she a n swered q u ickly. "Good luck ton ight! I hope you win ! " " O h , m e too," I a nswered, t h e n said my goodbyes. As I replaced the rece iver on the cra d le, I reflexively looked at my a n swering mac h i n e to see if there were a n y messages. The little red fl ashy bl i n ky thing i n d icated that I d i d , so I hit the play button and moved to the closet to get d ressed. As the machine played the messages, I g rew asto u n ded : i n the time that it took m e to get home, A m a n d a had ca lled m e three times. The first message was a h a n g u p, but I knew it was her because h e r second message let m e know that the first o n e was h e r. " I d i d n 't want you to wonder w h o it was," she said before s h e a s ked that I ca l l her when I got home. The t h i rd was j ust a q u ick request that I te l l my friend M i ke not to be such a jerk w h e n she ca l ls h i m , a n d it e nded with a nother request that I call her when I get home. I s h rugged, and co nti n u ed p utti n g o n my sh i rt . I cou l d n 't th i n k a bout too much a bout that stuff at the moment - I had a pool match to w i n . And that's exactly what we d i d . Except, i n stead of w i n n i n g , we lost. But at least the Fox Brothers had the decency to buy u s d i n n e r at Waffle House with the money they'd j u st won from u s . It was ' ro u n d m i d n i g h t when I fi n a l l y made it back home. As I wa lked i n the door, I was g reeted by two ag itated parents, both of whom t h reatened - i nd iv i d u a l l y - to have my phone l i n e removed. I re m inded them that it was I w h o paid for the l i n e , a n d they re m i nded me that it was their house. We acco mp l i shed noth i n g , a n d that's the way parents a n d kids let each other know they love each other. I went into my room a n d fo u nd the phone laying off the hook, as my parents had informed m e I wou l d . I replaced it on the cradle, s i m u ltaneously hitting the play button on my a nswering machine. I sat a n d listened to fourteen messages, a l l from A m a n d a , half of w h ich were h a n g - u ps a n d h a lf of the othe r half of w h ich were expla nations that the first h a lf were h e r h a n g i ng u p before the mach ine picked u p (or so s h e thoug ht, g ig g le g iggle . . . ) . As the last message played, the phone rang a g a i n . I'll g ive you one g uess w h o it was. " H e y ! " she said v i brantly. " Hey," I responded. "So, how'd you do?" "We lost ... So, hey," I said i n the most d isjointed segue of a l l time, "Why d i d you ca l l here, like, twenty times? You knew I was gone."

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" O h , well, I d i d n 't know w h at time you'd be back," she re plied . " I was hoping to catch you before you went to bed ." E h . . . that was good eno ugh for the guy who was j u st bewildered that a g i rl I iked h i m . " We l l , okay... so what's u p?" " O h , not h i n g," s h e said with a s i g h . " I j u st m issed you." "Awww ! " I said as I sat down and began re m ov i n g my shoes. "Well, that's sweet." She g ig g l ed , verba lly blush i n g . " We l l , I d i d . You d o n 't know how long I've been waiting to ta l k to you ... " "We l l , I've been right h e re a l l this ti me," I responded. "Yeah, I know," s h e s a i d . " I j ust . . . I d u n n o . I d id n 't rea l ly have the courage to say a n yt h i n g ." I l a u g hed . "Am I THAT i m posing?" " We l l . . . Sorta," she said i n response. "You're kinda d ifficult to get to know." '' N a h , th at's not true at a l l ," I a n swere d . "See? Yo u're doing i t now ! " We s h a red a l a u g h , a n d once agai n , that s i lence set i n . I asked her to hold o n so that I could take off my s h i rt a n d get ready for bed, knowing fu l ly well that I'd j ust lay there u n t i l a bout 3 : 00 AM so that I'd be n ice a n d e x h a u sted w h e n I reported at 7 : 0 0 AM for tomo rrow's Booster cookout. I picked the rece iver u p after a bout 60 seconds to let her know I was back, but when I picked it u p, the sound was hol low a n d there was n o one t h e re . I h u ng u p the phone and nea rly the second I d i d , it began ri n g i n g . " He llo?" I a nswered . " O h , there you a re," s h e respo nded . "That was kinda rude." '' H u h ?" I sa i d , somewhat confused . "Putting m e o n hold for that long. It was a l ittle rude," s h e said, " But it doesn't matter now. You're back ! " "Yea h . . . u h . . . That I a m ." " Hey," s h e sa id somewhat out of the b l u e , "Want to hear a poe m ? " " U h . . . S u re," I re p l i e d . "Oka y ! " s h e said, a nd I h e a rd the clacking sound of a phone be i n g placed o n a desk. I hea rd some ruffl i n g a n d shuffl i n g i n the backgro u n d w h i l e she searched a ro u n d for the poem she was looking for (or so I gathere d ) . All told, I was on hold for a bout a m i n ute a n d a h a lf. There's probably someth i n g to be said there a bout dou ble sta n d a rds a n d such, b u t I fi g u red I 'd j u st let it s l i d e . "Okay, now, I'm not a writer l i ke you a re-" 204

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" H a ! " I said a loud . " I 'm n o writer." " S u re you a re ! " she re pl i ed. "A really good o n e ! And beca use of that, I'm ki nda sea red to read t h is to you . . . " " O h , come on now," I re p l ied . "There's no n ee d to be sca re d ! I want to hear i t ! " "Okay, oka y," s h e said, g i v i n g i n . " Bear with m e , it's still i n progress." S h e took a deep breath, a n d before she bega n , she added, "It's a bout you ." Boy. Ta l k a bout a g reat fee l i n g . Here I was on the phone with a g i rl who had t h is huge crush on me for a long time; who thought en oug h a bout m e to put u p pictu res and a rticles a n d stuff a bout m e a n d even wrote a poem a bout m e . I was a m ixture of nervousness a n d warmth a s s h e began her rea d i n g . I had no choice but to hear you You stated your case time a n d a g a i n I thought a bout it . . . Th is was s o u n d i n g ve ry, very fa m i l i a r. You treat m e l i ke I'm a princess I'm not used to l i k i n g that You ask how my day was . . . Okay, I KNOW I've heard this somewhere . . . You've a l ready won m e over, i n spite of me That's when it h it m e . " U m . . . Amanda . . . " I said i n a n atte m pt to stop her from further e m ba rrassing herself. S h e kept going . And d o n 't be a l a rmed if I fa l l head over feet And d o n 't be s u rprised if I love you, for a l l that you are I co u l d n 't h e l p it It's a l l your fa u lt . . "Am anda . . ." I sa id aga i n .

205

Mentally Incontinent

"Yes?" " U m . . . That sounds awfully fa m i l i a r. . . " I res ponded. " Does it?" she aske d . "Yea h , it does . . . It sou nds a lot l i ke a n Al anis Morissette song." She sat s i lent for a moment. " H m m . . . That's stra ng e ." "In fact," I cont i n u ed , " It's a p retty popu Ia r song . They play it on the radio q u ite a bit." "Well," she rep l i e d , "That's j u st a really big coincide nce, ca use I w rote this." Yea h . It was at that point that a l l of those q u i rky l ittle t h i n g s I'd fou n d so e n d ea ri n g started beco m i n g j ust a bit left of center. "Okay, well, I have to get u p at 6 : 00 AM tomorrow for that cookout," I said with a s i g h . "So, I probably need to get to bed . . ." " O h . Yea h , me too," s h e a n swere d . "So I'll see you there?" "Yeah, okay. S u re." "Oka y ! " she said excitedly. "Wel l, have a good n ig ht." " I s u re wi I I ." " D ream of m e ," s h e added. " U h ... I'll try my best," I a n swere d . "You have a good n i g h t too." "Okay ! " she s a i d . Th en, very q u ickly a n d somewhat m uttered, s h e said somet h i n g that sounded a whole lot l i ke " I love you ." I froze.

SHIT I Yeah, I know. I heard.

What do I do? I don't know, dude! I'm in the same boat as you on this one!

Well, shit. Oh, wait - I know what to do!

Whatl Tell mel Well, she said that last thing kinda muttered, right?

Yeah. So, pretend like she said something else, and repeat it back. Then hang up.

Good calli 206

I'm Just Dying To Know You

" U h . . . Okay, good n ig ht to you, too ! " I b l u rted out, then s l a m med the phone d o w n . Well played.

Thanks. Came up with that one myself. Confident that that d i d the trick, I laid back o n the bed a n d stared at the ceiling, awaiting the sweet, soot h i n g bla n ket of s l u m be r to wrap over m e a n d take m e into* RI N G *

Oh, shit. sat u p and stared at the phone as it rang a second time. Re lucta ntly, I reached for it a n d bro u g h t it to my ear. " H e l lo?" I

"I d i d n 't say ' good n i g ht', I said ' I love you'," Ama nda sa id from the other e n d of what felt l i ke a ten m i le long t u n n e l . " U h . . . Okay," I respo nded, staring blankly at the wall. ''We l l ? " she said after a moment of si lence . "We l l what?" I rep l i ed. "Aren't you going to say i t back?" "I, u h . . . Well, the t h i n g is ... "

HELP I No way. You 're on your own.

NO! Help me! What do I say? Hello? . . . Shit. "I.

. .

U h . . . I love you, too,"

I

said.

Oh, you IDIOT.

Hey, I didn't hear YOU pipe up with any clever suggestions. We need to get off the phone and this is the only way I know howl This is going to go badly for us.

Well, that's what happens when you leave me in charge! 207

Mentally Incontinent

Ove rjoyed, Amanda g i ggled with g lee a n d began a two m i n ute monologue a bout how she knew this day would come, a n d how long sh e'd waited to hear those words . . . A l l that cra p . O n ce fi n i shed, I cas u a l ly suggested that we both get some sleep, as we had a lot of work to do i n the morn i n g . S h e a g reed, told m e she loved m e a g a i n , a n d insisted I reply i n k i n d . A n d I d i d . A n d the rest of t h e n ig ht was spent sta ri ng at the ceiling, d e bating with myself exactly how m uch tro u b l e I'd j u st gotten myself into . The morning came a l l too q u ickly a n d my father d rove me over to the cookout, w h e re I a long with the rest of the footba l l tea m set u p ta bles and chairs , prepared m i n i-games for the kids, l u g ged heavy th i ng s a ro u n d , etcetera a n d so fort h . The entire time, I kept one eye peeled for fe ma les i n softba l l u n iforms, watc h i n g for Amanda so that I co uld avoid her as best as I co u l d . W h e n ten o'clock ro l l ed a ro u n d a n d it was time to assume positions for the crowds that would soon show u p, Matt Ta u rus, Tony Reynolds a n d I took u p cha irs at the ca ke a n d dessert table ( a cute idea hatched by the Boosters. The theory was that it was ty pica lly a male chore to p re pa re food a n d a fem a le's d uty to run g a m es a n d sell desserts, so why not have a little fun a n d sw itch the roles? We were fine with it, tho u g h . We got to sit a l l day w h ile the g i rls' tea m s d i d a l l the heavy work . ) So, I was situated i n a fixed position with no cover whatsoever. And lo, from the west there did come a m i g hty w i n d , and upon it rode Ama nda with a few oth e r players i n tow, one of wh ich was Matt's g i rlfri e n d , A i me e . They a p p roached o u r table a n d the entire time they were there, Amanda went o n and on a bout her new boyfrie n d ( m e ) a n d o u r conversati ons last n ig h t a n d how we fe lt a bout one another a n d blah blah b l a h la h l b h la . A l l the w h i le, A i m ee kept g la n cing at me in a n effo rt to confirm or d e n y the thi ng s Ama nda was say i n g . I showed no emotion and a l lowed her to conti n u e o n . Eventually, the time came for the g i rls to head to the chow l i n e a n d d i s h u p food for the fo lks i n attenda nce, leav i n g m e with Matt and Tony and a l l the great t hi ng s they had to say. " Love, e h ? " Matt aske d . Tony j ust l a u g hed like a hyena, l i ke he a l ways d i d . In fact, in the fo u r yea rs I knew h i m , I d o n 't t h i n k he eve r actua lly said a s i n g l e word. A l l he ever d i d was l a u g h . "Well," I explained, "We were saying goodbye last night on the phone, a n d she j u st . . . Popped out with that. I was kinda shocked . . I d i d n 't know w h at to say." .

''Yeah, well. . . " he said as a sweet older couple a p proached i n search of tasty treats, "You probably s h o u l d n 't have said THAT." Tony laughed a g a i n . "Yeah, I know," I answered, then focused m y attention on the customers. As we h a n d led them, more people a p p roached, and 208

I'm Just Dying To Know You

pretty soo n , we had q u ite a thro u g h put goin g . It was hard to find time to really get into the s u bject of Amanda . During a short l u l l , A i m ee a pproached o u r table a n d gave her boyfriend a short kiss. "You g uys have t h is covered?" Aimee asked Matt a n d To ny. " S u re, go a head," Matt responded. They both t u rned a n d looked at m e . "What?" I a s ke d . "Can we . . . U h . . ." Aimee sta m m e red. "Can we go ta l k?" " U h . . . S u re," I a nswered. We made the short trip from the cafeteria to the a rt room; j ust two s h o rt h a l l s conn ected by a 90 d e g ree turn. Luckily, M rs . Daughtry, the a rt teacher, was there te n d i n g to some work s h e needed to do. "Joe Peacock!" Mrs. Daug htry a n n o u nced with her h a nds o n her h i ps a n d head tilted, as if sco l d i n g m e . It was a posture that s h e adopted i nstinctively u pon seeing me, as I had probably done something worth sco l d i n g i n her class every s i ng le day for fo u r years. "Hey Mrs. D," I re plied . "And A i m ee Walters?" s h e asked i n g reeti n g Aimee, who j ust sm iled and waved back. " W hat a re you two doing i n here? Aren't you s u pposed to be h e l p i n g with the Booster Cookout?" she picked u p a book that lay o n her perso n a l a rt table and returned it to its rightful place o n the bookshelf. "Yes, m a 'a m ," I re plied . "We - A i m e e a n d I," I said, pointing to each of u s i n sequence, " Needed to talk for a second . Is it okay if we h a n g out i n here for a bit?" M rs . Daug htry gave me a sly look. "And what i s Matt going to t h i n k of t h is?" s h e a s ke d . "Oh , nonono," Aimee s a i d q u ickly. "It's . . . Not like that. At ALL. We're J U ST ta l k i n g . Besides, I'm not h i s type." "Oh?" Mrs. D a n d I a s ked nea rly s i m u ltaneous ly. "Yea h," A i m ee re p l i e d . " Fo r one t h i n g , I'm SA N E ." M rs . D cracked u p at Aimee's joke, not rea l izing the seriousness of the state ment. S h e waved us off with a toothy g ri n as she headed into h e r office a n d closed the door, afford i n g u s a little privacy. Aimee t u rned a n d looked dead at m e ; no trace of a m usement on her face. "What?" I a s ked, and then stood a n d watched as A i m ee fo ught t h ro u g h whatever mental process was firing i n her head that m a d e it difficult to proceed with what she had to tell m e . " U h . . . Joe . . . " she said, fi ghting with the words as she spoke the m . "How m uch do you . . . Know . . . About A m a n da?" 209

Mentally Incontinent

" H m m ,"

I

re pl ied . " I know s h e l i kes m e ! "

"Yea h , but . . . What ELSE?" "We l l , I know s h e 's had a crush on m e for the past two o r three years . . . " I said, looking at the capta i n of the soft ba l l tea m a n d wondering j ust what the heck s h e was try i n g to get at. " I know s h e plays softba l l . . . She used to ride horses, she has a n a q u a ri u m with a b u nch of fish . . . O h , a n d I know she rea lly, REALLY l i kes to use the phon e ! " I sn ickered to myse lf. A i m e e j u st stared at m e . " D i d you know that s h e's had . . . Like . . . Issues . . . I n the past?" she asked m e . " U h . . . no?" I re p l ied, p u l l i n g out a chair a n d ta k i n g the seat that I knew I was a bout to need. " Like . . . What S O RT of issues?" ''We l l . . ." she beg a n , ta king a seat on the a rt table across from me. "You know how s h e w a s n 't h e re for, l i ke , half the year last year?" I thought for a moment. "No," I fi n a lly res pon ded . " We l l , she wasn 't," A i m ee confirmed . "Do you know where s h e actua lly was?" I

thought for a n other moment. "No,"

I

said a g a i n .

Aimee was j ust a bout to reply, a n d then thought better of it. She t u rned her head q u i ckly and looked b e hind herself at the o pe n ed art room door. S h e rose with g reat haste and trotted over to it, then s h ut it lightly a n d retu rned to w h e re I was sitt i n g . "Okay," s h e said, sitting once again o n the ta ble a n d fl i p p i n g her long black h a i r back over her left shoulder, "If I te l l you this, you have to SWEAR that you'll never say a word to ANYON E." "Yea h . . . Okay," I re plied . She lea n ed i n closer and lowered her voice. " Not even yo u r frie n d M i ke," s h e a ppended. " S u re," I lied . "Alright," s h e said, then t u rned to look back at the door once aga i n . Satisfied that we were secluded a n d i n n o d a n g e r of being overheard, she leaned even fa rther forwa rd. I d i d the same, and soon, we were separated by o n ly i n ches. "She was at Cha rter," Aimee w h i s pered, then l e a n ed back a n d awa ited my res ponse. sat there, sti l l bent over, processing what A i m ee j ust revea led to m e . S l i g htly dazed, I leaned back i n my cha i r a n d said, with a g reat deal of conce rn, "Cool." I

She looked at me i n d i sbel ief, u n a b l e to u n de rsta nd why I was n 't more im pacted by h e r revelation than I a p pea red to be. I n a n effort to e n s u re that we were on the s a m e page, she added, "Peach fo rd." 210

I'm Just Dying To Know You

I stretched my legs out a n d folded my a rm s over my chest. "Okay . . . so s h e was at another school last year. . . What's the big deal?" "Charter-Peachford isn't a SCHOOL, you big reta rd ! " A i m ee sho uted as she t h rew h e r h a n d s i n the a i r. "What is it, then?" She ti lted her head to one side, m u ch the same way M rs . Daug htry had done when I entered the roo m . " Don't you eve r watch te levision?" she a s ked m e defiantly. "They ru n the co m m e rcial for that place a l l the frea k i n ' ti m e ! " It took a moment for it to register. I sat and thought of the 1 : 0 0 AM show i n g s of " Ku ng-Fu Theater" on C h a n n e l 69 that played i n the backgro u n d as I sat at my d rawing desk on the weekends . . . I tried to cycle thro u g h the low-budget comme rcia ls that would run at that time - The grey-bearded spokesman for Gall e ry Fu rniture d e m a n d i n g that we "Ask for the Wolfm a n ! " a s h e pointed at the camera . . . Te rry C u l l e n d ressed i n a cowboy outfit screa m i n g a bout "Wra n g l i n ' i n the deals" for h is Chevy S i lverados . . . Images of perfectly well -adjusted people enjoying shady pines a n d serene lakeshores as the deep baritone of the a n nou nce r's voice pleaded, "If you don't get h e l p at Charter-Peachford . . . Please. Get help somewhere." "Oh . . . U m , u h . . . " I d i d n't want to j u st come rig h t o u t a n d scream DEAR GOD H ELP M E , because . . . We l l . . . That's ru d e . "Yea h," Aimee said i n reply to my rea l ization, which I cou ld fee l pa inted a l l over my face. "What . . . W h y. . ." Was a l l I co u ld manage to say as I s l u m ped a little farther down i n my c h a i r. "Apparently, s h e got really depressed last year, a n d she tried to ... " s h e paused, ta k i n g a deep breath. S h e looked rig ht i nto my eyes a n d conti n u e d , " S h e tried to commit s u icide." " O h , wow . . ." I re plied, u n s u re what to t h i n k . "1. . I d i d n't know . . . " .

"There's more," A i m e e stated . I u nfolded my arms a n d pushed myself u pright i n my chair, both eager a n d sca red to h e a r what else was com i n g . "Go o n ." "It's not the first time," she sa i d . I cou l d n 't eve n look at Matt as I returned to my station at the y u m m y desserts ta ble, nea rly h a lf a n h o u r after I'd left. I j ust s l id be h i n d h i m a n d took a seat i n my chair, wh ich sat between h is a n d a n e m pty one once occu pied by Tony. I placed my el bows on the table a n d my face in my palms a n d proceeded to s u l k as o n l y a senior i n h i g h school - who j ust fou n d out that the o n ly g i rl who'd ever openly expressed a n y interest i n h i m was a m a n i c d e pressive nutjob with

211

Mentally Incontinent

m u lti pie s u icide attem pts under h e r belt - ca n . " Bad news?" Matt asked sa rcastica lly. " S h ut u p," I said thro u g h my hands. " We l l , i t co u l d be worse." "Oh?" I asked , l ifti n g my head a n d turn i n g to look at h i m . " H ow so?" H e shrugged. "I d o n 't know, actually. I was j u st trying to cheer you u p." "Th a n ks," I re p l i e d , pla nting my face back i nto my hands. "That's rea l ly messed u p, though, h u h?" h e said, s h ifting i n his seat. "I mean, it's kinda crazy for someone to try that stuff o n ce , you know . . . But seven times? Boy. . . And s h e l i kes you , Peacock ! " h e said, s l a p ping m e on the back. "If THAT isn't crazy, I d o n 't know what i s ." " O h , MAN . . . " I g roaned, fo l d i n g my a rm s on the table a n d laying my head on them. J u st then, I heard a b it of s h uffl i n g to my rig ht . ''What's wrong w ith Peacock?" I heard Tony say from somewhere a bove m e . "Aimee j u st told h i m a bout Ama n d a ," Matt a nswere d . "Oh . . . That's some crazy sh it, a i n 't it?" he asked rhetorically. I l ifted my head a n d t u rned to look at h i m . "Of COURSE it's crazy - Wait a seco n d ! How the hell do YOU know a bout it? ! ?" " U h . . . I t h i n k everyone does," Matt said from my left. I shot a ro u n d to face h i m . " B ut . . ." I said, clenching my fists a n d s h a k i n g them i n frustratio n . "I thought that it was some h u g e secret ! " I s n a pped . "Yea h . . . right," To ny said from my rig ht. I w h ipped a ro u n d to look at h i m as h e started l a u g h i n g jovial ly. " D u d e , th i n k a bout w h e re you a re ! " Matt d e m a n ded as I turned once a g a i n to face h i m , becoming a bit d izzy in the process. "You know how that s h it goes - ESPECIA LLY here." H e s m i led a n d slapped m e o n the back a g a i n , then added, "Come o n . Use your hea . . . U h h h h . . . Hey." H e adjusted his position to face the a pproach i n g customer. I tu rned to look a n d was shocked - but not s u rprised - to see A m a n d a 's mom sta n d i n g in front of u s . " H i . . . And h i there, Joe !" s h e said, s m i l i n g v i brantly. " U h . . . H I ! " I sa i d , try i n g my best to force a natura l excitement to see her. As if t h rown with h i g h heat from across the room by a Major Leag u e pitcher, a toothy grin beca m e e m bedded on my face. "What, u h . . In what . . . May I interest you? I n ? Today?" .

212

I'm Just Dying To Know You

"Well," she said, h u m m i n g a little as she looked down at the vast selection of homemade treats laid out on the ta ble before u s . I q u ickly t u rned to Matt with the same stupid g r i n on my face a n d my eyes as wide as Ke n n edy silver dollars, non-verba l ly beg g i ng h i m to somehow h e l p m e out of this situation. H e looked at m e q u izzica lly a n d s h rugged, non-verba l ly i n d icating that h e had no idea w h at the fuck I was try i n g to get at. I hea rd h e r smack h e r l i ps, wh ich bro u g h t my head back to the u p right and locked pos itio n . " I th i n k that . . . H m m . . ." " U h . . . I t h i n k the Rice Krispie bars a re q u ite good," Matt offe red . I co u l d see h i m looki n g over at m e from the corner of my eye, atte m pt i n g to confirm that he was doing w hatever it was I had atte m pted to ask h i 111 to do. She looked u p at us, asking "Is that so?" As h e r eyes s l i d u pward from the table to bring m e i nto view, my spine shot stra i g ht and the d u m b g ri n I wore got j ust a l ittle d u m ber. "YES MA'AM, THAT IS I N D E E D SO," I said j u st a l ittle too excitedly; my voice cracking under the press u re . " I n fact, these a re . . . They're on the house! THEY'RE YO U R S ! " " O h , n o ! " s h e protested, reach i n g into h e r p u rse to find h e r wa llet. "I cou ld n 't poss i b ly. . . "

"TAKE TH E M ! " I s q u ea ke d . She looked at me as if I'd j ust laid a n egg, which is p retty m uch what it so und ed l i ke I'd j u st done. I nodded toward the delectable m a rs h m a llowy s q u a res, looked u p at her, a n d bobbed my head. "YES ! THESE ARE YO U RS N O W ! GO O N A N D TAK E TH E M ! " " U h . . . We l l , alright . . ." she conceded, picking u p the spoils of the st ra n gest victory s h e'd ever wo n . "Th a n k you . . . I g uess . . . " I heard Tony l a u g h i n g from off to my rig ht, a m u sed beyond belief. " N O PRO B LEM ! HAVE A WON DERFU L DAY!" I sa i d , usheri n g her away i n the most viciously cheerful voice I'd ever heard come out of my own mouth . Even I was scared of m e at that point. She nodded cautiou sly, looked down at h e r dessert, t h e n back u p at me as she beg a n to step away. S h e fi n a l l y broke her dazed stare and headed for the door w h e n she s u d d e n ly stopped a n d turned a ro u n d and headed back. "I got so d i stracted with the desserts that I a l m ost forgot why I even ca m e over here," s h e said with a slight chuckle. " Do you know w h e re Ama nda is?" " U h . . . N o ! Why, N O ! No, I s u re don't ! " I s n a p pe d . " Nope. Don't have a c l u e , actually. Haven't seen her a l l day. . . HAVE I, MATT?" I turned to look at h i m , nodding with my h ug e eyes a n d g iga ntic g ri n . " U rn . . ." h e a n swered . "See !" I said, wh ipping my head back in Ms. Peters' d i rection before Matt could utter a n other word. "We haven't seen-"

21 3

Mentally Incontinent

"MOMMY!" Said the loud voice from behind Ms. Peters. She turned, a n d as s h e d i d , s h e revea led a softba l l -jersey-clad Ama nda ru n n i n g down the aisle toward u s . " O h ," I heard Matt say, fi g u ri n g it a l l out at once. I just sighed. The moth e r and d a u g hter talked for a moment, with occa s i o n a l gla nces back i n o u r d i recti o n . I tried my best to avoid a n y and a l l eye contact with either of them, a l l the w h i le trying my best to look l i ke I was n 't t ry i n g to avoid eye contact. I engaged Matt i n a conve rsation a bo ut next week's big g a m e aga i nst Riverdale, the first of o u r season, mention i n g that we'd need to be p re pa red a n d how i m pressive their offe nce was s u p posed to be a n d j u st a bout a nything that kept me from look i n g at or interacting with Amanda a n d her m o m . To each state me nt, he tacitly a g reed with nods and affi rm in g noises s u c h as " M m H m m " a n d "Yup." To ny chimed i n o n ly once d u ri n g the exch ange to re m i n d m e that/ a m idst a l l the events of the day/ he sti l l thought that I was "A trip." Sudden ly, I heard a n excited squeal as a blonde b l u r rushed toward o u r statio n . "Gu ess w ha t! " Ama nda excl a i m e d / placing her pa lms flat o n the ta ble a n d s m i l i ng brightly as her mother w a l ked toward the exit far in the d istance b e h i n d Matt. I feared the worst. I conti n u ed to ta l k a bout n ot h i n g of a n y i m portance wh atsoever to Matt, who nodded s l i g htly i n her d i recti o n . I fa iled to look that way, so h e boldly pointed at h e r a n d nodded once a g a i n . I looked over to see her. " O H ! " I excla imed, fe i g n i n g s u rprise. " I 'm sorry. . . I was, you know . . . E n g rossed i n o u r conversation a bout the big g a m e . Lots to d i scuss." I nodded and smacked my l i ps, t h e n looked a nywhere i n the room besides at her. "Yep, big g a m e . A lot's rid i n g on it." "Oh okay cool " she said " B ut g uess w ha t' " I

I

I

•

I

I broke my long i n g gaze at the exit door and w h i pped my head a ro u n d to h e r d i rection. " H m m ? " I m u ttered i n res ponse. "I'm going home with you ton i g h t ! " she said brigh tly. My eyes g rew wide. Matt cou g h e d . To ny l a u g h e d . "Isn't that g reat?" s h e a s ked, soliciting some sort of response from m e . " U h . . . I don't ... Know a bout that, t h e re , Ama nda," I s a i d . " I'm probably going to ... Need to, you know . . . Pass on that." "Aww1 why1 sweetie?" s h e asked with a pout. " Beca use I . . . U h . . . You see, I was p la n n i n g on . . . Jog g i ng home." I w i n ced as I said it, knowing that/ even though it was the best I co u l d come u p with, it was pretty d a m n pathetic. I m m e d iately, To ny s norted

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I'm Just Dying To Know You

a n d beg a n l a u g h i n g out lo u d . Even Matt s m i rked as I contin ued d i g g i n g my little tre n c h . " I need the exercise for the g a m e . It's next weeke n d ." I nodded, cont i n u i n g , "It's the big game, you know. First of the season . Gotta be ready." I stretc hed my a rm s h i g h and g roaned. " O h ," she respo nded, let down that she wasn't going to get to spend the eve n ing with m e . "We l l , how long does it take you to run home from here? I co u ld ru n with you . . . Have you ever done it before? Did you time yourself?" O h , I'd done it a l right. Anytime I was i n trouble at school - which was constantly - my fathe r's ch oice p u n is h m e nt for m e was to m a ke m e w a l k home from school. The first t i m e I'd done it was i n n i nth g rade, a n d it took n ea rly four hou rs d u e to the fact that I'd stopped at the m a l l , the bookstore, a q u ickie m a rt, a n d a fri e n d 's house on the way home. The next day, h e left work ea rly specifically to fol low m e home i n the truck a n d time my walk. For nea rly five m i les, I had a w h ite Ford F- 1 5 0 cree p i n g b e h i n d me slowly with its hazard lig hts o n . Amazing ly, it took only 4 5 m i n utes at the pace I'd suddenly develope d . " O h , gosh, I d u n no, Amanda," I re plied. "It's probably, w h at . . . About a three h o u r ru n ? Maybe four?" She ti lted her head to one side and g l a red at m e . God, was I gett i n g sick of women doing that. "So yea h ," I con t i n ued, "I'm s u re you won't want to do that, a n d since it'll take a l l n i g ht-" " Hey," I heard from my left. I looked over at Matt, w h o i m m ed iately t h u m bed be h i n d h i s s h o u ld e r at the M i ke who had s u dd e n ly g rown on it. " O H . H I M I KE," I said, the eyes a n d g ri n rea ppearing sudden ly. "WHAT BRINGS YOU H E RE?" "What? What do you mean, 'What brings me here?"' he asked as I g ri m aced . "We're g o i n g to Walte r's after this, a re n 't we? And what's with that stu p i d look?" My eyes d rooped a n d beca me pitiful as I looked back over at Amanda, who was g la ri n g at m e . Then, sudden ly, s h e gasped and beca m e very doefu l . "Aww," s h e said, clasping h e r h a n d s together and bri n g i n g them u n d e r h e r c h i n . "You d i d n 't want to h u rt my fee l i n g s ! That's so sweet!" I j ust looked down a n d shook my head. " Well, I co u ld come with you," she suggested . " N O ! " I sa id a l ittle h a rs h ly. Qu ickly, I tried to adjust my to n e a n d cover the outburst. "I th i n k that's probably a bad idea . . . Walte r's parents a re, u h . . . A m i s h . He's fo rbidden to see g i rls, so you can't go 215

Mentally Incontinent

there." "They a re?" she asked . "Does n 't he d rive to sch-" " H e 's not, they a re," I i nterru pted . "It's co m p l icated. Anyway, you can't co m e . Not to n i g ht." She pouted, then h uffe d . "We l l , now, I d o n 't have a ride home."

I

j ust sent my mother home, so

" We l l , why don't you a n d your buddy g ive Ama nda a ride home, then go see yo u r friend Walter?" Matt suggested with a h u g e grin on his face. I shot h i m a look a n d te lepathica l l y s u ggested that he fornicate h i m self. H e ca u g h t o n and l a u g h e d . "Great idea ! " M i ke a n nou nced . I then shot h i m the same look as he added, "That way, you ca n g ive her a n ice kiss before we go out ton ig h t ! " "That'd work ! " Amanda a g reed, s m i l i n g . " W O N D ERFU L ! " I said with my fists and s p h i n cter clenched tightly. " LET'S GO N O W ! " I shot out of my seat, turned i n place to my left, w a l ked behind Matt a n d began march i n g toward the door. The entire ride home, M i ke kept asking me " W h at's wro n g , buddy?" knowing fu lly w e l l w h at was b u g g i n g m e . Each time h e d id , Amanda reached forward from the back seat, placed h e r h a n d on my shou lder, a n d asked the s a m e t h i n g . Each time s h e d i d that, I'd say " N OTHING IS WRONG ! W H AT MAKES YOU T H I N K S O M ETHING IS WRONG? EV E RYTHING'S FIN E ! " wh ich would then invite s i l e n ce for a ro u n d 60 seconds, w h e n the cycle would beg i n a new. We fi n a l ly arrived at the Peters' residence, a n d before M i ke co uld even bring his ca r to a complete stop, I had the door to the Camara open a n d one foot out the door. I fl i pped the seat forward a n d stood aside as Amanda exite d . I looked q u ickly i n her d i rection, waved , and said " See ya ! " a s I attempted to get back i n the car. She reached forward and wrapped her arms a ro u n d my wa ist. I sighed, lightly patting h e r on the back i n ret u rn . I felt h e r loosen her g ri p a bit a n d I looked down to fl ash a q u i c k goodbye s m ile when I saw her head raised, eyes closed, a n d l i ps pursed i n preparation for a kiss.

NO NO N O, I can't do it! I think you're going to have to.

NO! I

fe lt my head loweri n g .

Hey, WAIT! NO! Don't ... NO! My l i ps scru nched u p and I tilted m y face to one s i d e .

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And with that, I kissed her. S h e stood on h e r ti ptoes a n d h u m med i n res ponse.

You sonuvabitch ! It was the only way out of this. You/// thank me later.

" M m m ," s h e sa i d . "That was n ice." " U h . . . Okay,"

I

said flatly.

She looked at me fu n ny, and then s m i l e d . "You know . . . You C O U LD s k i p out on t h e m tonight a n d . . . "

" N O P E ! " I said without even considering what the hell she m ig ht have been s u ggest i n g . "Got pla n s ! Gatta go do th e m ! " I pushed her away l ig htly a n d q u ickly plopped i n the seat of M i ke's car, then reached to g ra b the door a n d close it. As it s w u n g closed , Amanda q u ickly stepped out of the path so as to avoid getting cru s h ed . I m m e d iately, s h e t u rned a round a n d bent down to look i n the opened w i ndow. " I hope you have fun tonig ht," she state d . "YE P ! S U RE WILL!" I said, looki n g stra i g h t forwa rd. " O n e more for the roa d ? " s h e asked . doing the l i p t h i n g a g a i n .

I

looked over to see h e r

" U h . . . Yea h , okay," I said, l e a n i n g forward to kiss h e r a g a i n . With my left h a n d , I reached behi nd me, sla pped M i ke 's leg, a n d then made the "GET THE H ELL OUT OF H ERE" motion with my t h u m b . I heard the q u ick s h ifte r slapping backward a n d the e n g i n e revving, a n d j u st i n time, I broke from the kiss a s the ca r began ro l l i n g backward. It sq uea led a little as it entered the roadway, then squea led a LOT as it proceeded u p the roa d . I waved at Amanda w ithout looki n g i n h e r d i rection . "Way to g o Peacoc k ! " M i ke excla imed with a h ug e s m i l e . I stared forwa rd. " Fuck you," I stated . "What ! " h e excl a i m e d . " W hat'd I do? ! ? " I said noth i n g i n reply. "Want to stop at you r house for a n yth i n g w h i l e we're i n yo u r neig h borhood?" he asked . "Yeah, s u re,"

I

re plied sourly.

He tapped h i s steering wheel to the beat of the song that was barely playing over the s peakers. With a s i g h , he said, "Look, I don't know w h y you 're so pissy. . . You j u st got a kiss from that g i rl . You s h o u l d be h a p py." 217

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"No way, m a n ," I re pl ied . "That g i rl is seven kinds of screwed u p, m a n . . . Like, litera l l y." "Who, Amanda?" he asked. I looked over at h i m , confi rming that I was i n deed ta l k i n g a bout Amanda - j ust l i ke h e had been not a second earlier. He sm iled in response, knowing exactly w h a t he was d o i n g . "Ye a h , no s h it s h e is," he stated . " U m . . . Excuse me?" I a s ke d . "You know she was i n some sort of re h a b last year?" h e asked. "Yea h," I huffed, " Fo r try i n g to k i l l h e rself ! " "Yep," h e stated . " I hear she's tried it a b u nch of t i m es . . . Big atte ntion whore, that g i rl." I stared holes t h ro u g h h i m as we p u l led into my d riveway. H e threw the ca r i nto park before it had stopped ro l l i n g , ca u s i n g it to skid sl ightly on the concrete. H e t u rned the i g n ition off a n d g l a nced over i n my d i rectio n . I con t i n u e d to stare, a look of d isbel ief h a n g i n g o n my face. "What?" he asked fi n a lly. "You K N EW a bout that? ! ? " I aske d . "Yea h . . . D id n 't you?" " U h - N O ! " I re plied. " I wouldn't have even talked to h e r if I knew that! Why d i d n 't you TELL me?" " I fi g u red you k n e w ! " he a nswere d . " I thought maybe she was one of your cha rity cases, or maybe you were look i n g for a n easy lay. How the fuck a m I su pposed to know what you don't know?" "You know EVERYTH ING I d o n 't know ! " I yelled . "Yo u're S U PPO S E D to be my best friend, for c h rissake! You know I d o n 't know s h it a bout what's going on most of the t i m e ! " ''O h ," h e re plied, knowing I was right. "We l l . . . So rry." g rit my teeth a n d banged my fist on the d a s h board, then i m m ed iately placed my p i n ky i n my mouth i n response to the intense pa i n I'd j u st caused i n it. I

" S m a rt," he stated. I flipped h i m off with my spare h a n d as he continued, "So, what a re you going to do?" I removed my little fi nger from my mouth with a pop, then stated, "What else CAN I do? I've got to call it off." H e nodded i n agreement. " Probably a good idea ." "Yea h . . ." I said, o pe n i n g the door to h i s beat u p Ca m a ro a n d ste p p i ng out. "WAIT- Not ri ght now ! " h e yelled out as h e exited the drive r's 218

I'm Just Dying To Know You

side. "Why not?" "We're a l ready late for Walte r's as it is," h e a nswered . " Yo u know how he gets if we're late." " H e can wait!" I yelled back as I opened the door to my house. I heard M i ke g ro w l i n g from outs ide as I stepped i n doors and made my way back to my room, i ntent on calling Amanda u p a n d laying down the h a rd truth - that we s i m ply ca n n ot go a ny farther. Just as I passed inside the t h reshold of my d o m a i n , I h e a rd the phone ring. "WOULD YOU ANSWER TH AT STUPID TH I N G ? ! ? " I heard my s i ster yell from her bedroo m . " H U H ? " I s h outed back. As I turned back into the hal lway, her bedroom door sw u ng open a n d revealed a sleepy-eyed V i rg i n i a . "That p h o n e has rung, l i ke, TEN times i n the past TEN m i n utes. Ta ke it off the hook or someth i n g , w i l l yo u ? I'm try i n g to get a little s l e e p ! " "So rry, J e n ," I s a i d , exte n d i n g a s i n g l e a rm a ro u n d h e r neck a n d h u g g i n g her as rou g h ly as a n older broth e r is obli gated to h u g h is you n ger sister. She g roaned d isap provi n g ly, sla pped my chest with her right h a n d and pushed m e away with h e r left. " Dork," she sa i d playfully as s h e marched back over to her bed a n d collapsed i n it. "You want the door s h ut?" I asked as I lea n ed i n side h e r roo m . "Yes, please," s h e answered. "And tel l whoever's calling to stop ca l l i n g so m uc h ." "It's his new g i rlfriend, Amanda Peters," Mike ba rked from down the h a l l , g ri n n i n g wide as he took plea s u re i n setting u p the s h itstorm that was a bout to befa l l me. Jen sat bolt u prig h t i n bed. I h u n g my head and g rimaced . "Joe?" s h e a s ked sternly. "Look," I said pitifu lly as I sighed. "JOE ! " she yelled, sta n d i n g u p . "You can NOT be serious." M i ke laug hed from the hal lway. "Ye p, it's tru e ! " he affi rmed to my sister. "Yo u r brothe r's dating a psycho!" " N O ! " I cried out. "I'm NOT dating h e r! I d o n 't even l i ke her! She l i kes m e a n d s he's obsessive a n d ..." "And you 're using her to inflate your ego?" " N O ! Of course not," I answered somew hat honestly. "It's j ust that . . . I d u n no. S h e has the wrong idea a bout m e . . . " 219

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"And you've d o n e noth ing to change this idea?" Jen asked . " We l l . . . Not

. . .

YET," I said with my palms facing the a i r.

"And W H E N were you pla n n ing on it?" s h e said, fists on her h i ps a n d head cocked to one side, j o i n i n g the legions of fe males g iv i n g me that goddamned look. As if s u m m oned to do so o n cue, the phone ra ng once aga i n . "Dollar to a hole i n your head, that's h e r," M i ke state d . "Fi ne," I sna ppe d . "I'm putt i n g a n end to this right NOW." I turned to my left a n d marched into my roo m , slapped my h a n d down on the phone receiver, snatched it u p forcefu lly a n d b rought it to my ear. " H E LLO?" I yelled into the mouthp iece, read y to g ive Amanda what-for. "What the FUCK are you doing there ? ! ?" Walte r's voice cried, cracking t h ro u g h the ea rpiece. "You were s u pposed to be here h a lf a n hour a g o ! " "Yeah, well. . . Long story," I a n swered . "It w o u l d n 't have a nyth i n g to do with you dating A m a n d a Peters, wou ld it?" h e asked . "That g i rl i s a fu cking n utjo-" "I'm NOT dating Amanda Peters," I i n s iste d . From somewhere inside J e n 's room , I heard Mike take a break from harassing my sister to scream out, "Yes you a re ! " " N O I'M N OT," I d e m a nded, h o l d i n g the phone away from my mouth . "No, I'm not, Walter," I d e m a nded once again as I put the phone back to my face. "We l l , wh atever you 're doing with her, q u it it a n d g ra b your butt buddy a n d G ET OVER H E RE DAMMIT!" h e i n sisted, te rminating the conversation with a s h a rp click. I placed the phone down o n the cradle. Not O N E seco n d after I d i d , it began r i n g i n g . Don't pick it up.

But what if it's Walter? He 'll just snap at you for talking on the phone instead of driving o ver to his place.

Hmm ... And what if it's Amanda? Yeah, that's PRECISEL Y what you need right now - a thirty minute cry fit on the phone and another hour of harassment from Walter when you finally DO show up.

220

I'm Just Dying To Know You

I g rit my teeth, tu rned i n place, snatched u p a few video games I figu red I co uld let Walter borrow as a peace offering/distraction measure , a n d wal ked back out of the roo m . Walter's house was u n eventfu l . H e was a l l set to lecture m e o n be i n g late a n d dating Ama nda w h e n I flashed S u pe r Metroid i n front of his fa ce. With a n "OOOOH !" He g ra bbed it a n d turned on his heels to go plug it i nto h i s S u pe r N i n te ndo. M i ke a n d I looked at one a n other, s h rugged, a n d walked i n to once again com pete i n a little a i r hockey. We went to Waffle House a few hours later, ta l ke d a bout generic nonsense, and went home. As I w a l ked into the house with M i ke i n tow, I was once again g reeted by my extre m e ly a n g ry moth e r. "I'm ca l l i n g Bellsouth on Monday a n d removing you r phone l i n e ," she s n a p ped before I co u l d say a word . "You OBVIO U S LY don't know how to tell your friends to respect the phone." " U h . . . It's sort of a . . . Delicate situation, M o m ," I s a i d in defense. M i ke nodded to her, affi rming that it was i n d eed . She scowl e d , stood up, and a n nou nced h e r intention to fi n a l l y get some " M uch needed sleep - a n d I BETTER not be d isturbed by that d a m n phone." "Yes, m a 'a m ," I a n swere d . M i ke j u st nodded a n d wished h e r a good n ig ht, then headed toward the kitchen as he a l ways d i d u pon entering my house. I entered my room to find the phone tu rned u pside-down a n d off the hook. I s h rugged as I retu rned it to the cradle a n d began re moving my g rimy, ciga rette smoke-i nfested tee s h i rt to replace it with something a little more fresh . With i n seconds, the ringer on the phone began to c h i rp. With my best Bruce Lee i m itation, I flashed my arm to my side a n d snatched the phone right u p . As I d i d , I looked toward the door to see my mother sta n d i n g there with a sco w l . " U h . . . Hello?" I a nswered as I waved a n d s m i l ed extremely widely at my mom, who j u st shook her h ead a n d t u rned to enter her roo m . "WH ERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" I heard Amanda yell from the other side of the l i n e . I held the receiver away from my ea r to avoid pe rmanent a u d itory n e rve damage, g rimacing at both the pain produced by the s h a rp tones a n d the pain produced by knowing what I was a bout to do. " U h . . . I told yo u , I had plans with Walter a n d M i ke th is eve n i n g ," I answered . " We l l , I was WORRI E D ! " she re plied. " I tried ca l l i ng Walter's house to talk to you, but his mother said that you were at Waffle House - a n d by the way, I asked her why she would a nswer the phone if she were A m i s h , a n d s h e sai d - " " Look," I sa id with a s i g h , "We . . . N eed to talk." "Yeah, we do," s h e re plied. "If we're going to be together, you 221

Mentally Incontinent

ca n 't keep worrying m e l i ke this." "Yea h , a bout that . . ." I m utte red . M i ke entered the room with a co u ple ca ns of D r. Pepper. He tossed one to me which I ca u g ht with my left h a n d , then he popped open the oth e r a n d guzzled half the can i n one shot. "About what?" Amanda a s ke d . " O u r being together? It's been wonderful so fa r, but this sort of i n d i scretion has got to . . . U h . . . W h at was that?" s h e i n q u i red i n response to a n extremely loud belch that broke loose from M i ke's mouth. "It, u h ... It was my igua n a ," I a nswered, not wanting to revea l that M i ke was pa rty to the conversation . " I have a n i g u a n a . He's loud ." "We l l . . . O kay, whatever. Can you, l i ke, p ut h i m away w h i l e we ta lk?" she a s ke d . "This is serio u s . I want to ta l k about U S ." "Am a n d a ," I stated flatly, "There IS n o 'us'." Silence. A n d t h e n , " U h . . . Excuse m e ?" It was h a rd . It was SO V E RY HARD. And it took FOREVER - For the next two a n d a half h o u rs, I had to m a nage A m a n d a 's delusions of relationship b l i ss produced by a day a n d a half of not dating on one side of the phone a n d M i ke's chi l d i sh attempts at brea k i n g my concentration o n the oth e r. But somehow, I ma naged to bring the conversation to a close after fi n a l l y convi ncing a crying a n d distra u g ht A m a n d a that we co u ld never be a "WE" a n d convincing a n a n noy ing best friend to s h u t his mouth for a few m i n utes so I could try to put a n e n d to the n ig htma re this e ntire t h i n g had beco m e . " I . . . I w i l l A LWAYS love you , Joe," s h e sa id thro u g h her sobb i n g . "Yeah . . . Okay, that's cool," I rep l i e d . S he beca m e s i lent for a moment. " Oh my God," she fi n a l l y sa i d . "What?" II

"It's... '1 t's rea I I y. . . ove r . . . s h e sa '1 d

•

" U m m . . . Yea h . Yea h , it is," I a n swered, s m i l i n g to myself i n selfish relief that she'd fi na lly caught o n . She sighed . " I g u ess this is goodbye then." "Okay, goodbye," I said, and s l a m m e d down the phone. M i ke looked over at me. "Joe," he s a i d . "Yea h?" "1. . .

I know t h is is h a rd," h e stated, "And I know you 're depressed a n d a l l . . . But d o n 't k i l l yourself over it." I shot h i m a look, a n d tried my best not to crack a s m i l e as he lost h i s compos u re . It was too m u ch to bear, however, a n d the two of 222

I'm Just Dying To Know You

us cracked u p as we made horribly tasteless jokes a bout Amanda for the rest of the n i g h t . Su nday 111 o rn i n g came, a n d with it, a sound I re lished . Silence. No phone calls. No visits. Noth i n g from Amanda whatsoever. It was bliss. I spent the entire day at my d ra w i n g board, h a lf focused on a comic strip I was doing with a friend of m i n e n a m ed Jay and h a lf expect i n g the phone to ring at a n y moment. It d i d o n l y once as M i ke ca l led me to find out if A m a n d a had bee n h a rassing m e a l l day. "No, a m azing ly," I said, nestling the phone between my shou lder a n d the l eft side of my face as I went back to i n k i n g the pe ncils that Jay produced. " Not a peep." '' H m m ," h e said contem plative ly. "You d o n't th i n k she . . . You k now . . ." " E h , if she d i d , I'm s u re I would have heard from her mom or something by now," I re plied. " Don't you th i n k so?" " H m m . . . Probably. St i l l . . . I wonder. . ." "We l l , why don't YOU ca l l h e r?" I s u ggested. "Fuck that," h e answered q u ickly. " Hey - if she actually DID, at least you know you won't have to d e a l with h e r anymore." " D ude," I a nswered, laying my brush dow n . "That's horri ble." " But true." thought for a moment. "Yep, I g uess you 're right," I said with a l a u g h as the lack of couth that a lways acco m pa n ied conversations between M i ke a n d I reared it's ugly head . I

Monday morn i n g ca m e a n d with it, n o less than three h u n d red inqu iries from classmates a n d some faculty mem bers, a l l a s k i n g , "So . . . Amanda Peters, h u h?" I spent the entire first h a lf of the day deflecting the j a bs a n d jeers of a student body who was SU PPOSED to be unaware of a n y of the troubles A m a n d a had experienced i n the past, but of course, were more t h a n com pletely aware of the entire orde a l . As a lways, I was the very last person to know. Lunch period fi n a l ly ca m e and I joined my friends at o u r ta ble near the soda machines . More i n q u ires as to my dating A m a n d a , a n d more deflection ensued . " H m m . . . you know, come to th i n k of it," Walter mentioned a m idst the constant h a ra n g u i n g from my friends, ''I don't th i n k I've seen h e r i n school a l l day." "We l l , she was really d e p ressed after Joe broke her heart," M i ke answered, garn e ri n g from m e a strongly extended mi ddl e fi nger. "You don't t h i n k she . . . " Walter ha lf-asked . 223

Mentally Incontinent

" Ba h ," I re p l i e d . ''No way. We'd have heard a bout it by now." " M i ke would have, may be," Walter stated . "YOU wou l d n 't know if the fre a k i n ' school ca u g ht on fire u n til after you r shoelaces started bu rn i n g ." " BA H ! " I stated, putting them out of my m i n d as I focused o n the de lecta ble l u n c h before me - a c h u n k of foa m rubber covered i n synthetic pork a n d ''cheese product" a n d branded as "Sausage Pizza" on the cafeteria men u . As I opened my sal ivating mouth and b rought the recta ngle o' tasty n utrition to my teeth, I heard from somewhere across the ta ble someone m u ttering, "Well, speak of the devil. . ." And then it h it m e . Or rather. . . She d i d . It was l i ke a pack of ra bid wolverines - teeth bared a n d claws s h a rpened - s n u c k into the cafete ria , made their way behind me, and then u n ceremon iously h it me on the head with a brick. The first t h i n g I fe lt was the smoogey glob of pizza-flavored l u nch s m ea r i n to my face as my head l u rched forwa rd from the i ntense blow to the back of my s k u l l . Fo llowing that was a cacophony of s h ri e ks a n d curses as the wolveri n e co m m a ndos, u n der the name Tea m Amanda, proceeded to tea r m e i nto s h reds. "YOU S O N U VABITC H ! " s h e yelled from b e hi nd me as blows fell u po n my person . "YOU ASSHOLE! YOU BASTARD! YOU . . . " Anyway. You get the idea. The o n ly responses I co u l d m uster were si mp l e noises that sounded l i ke the beg i n n i ngs of the words "Stop" a n d "Wait" as I t h rew my a rm s over my head a n d rolled into a sitting fetal position, trying my best to armadillo-up a n d defend myself from th is, the most severe beating I'd ever suffered. Wel l . . . the most severe I'd ever suffered at the h a n d s of a d i m i n utive psycho softball player, at least. After a time (I'm not really s u re if it was a short time or a long time. W h e n you 're being h u m il iated in pu blic, ALL time is a long tim e), I fe lt what seemed l i ke the clouds parting o n a stormy spring afternoon or a g iga ntic lead sheet being lifted off my back . . . any one of a doze n s i m i les wh ich wou ld describe the end of my beatdow n . ca utiously lifted my torso a n d p u l led my arms from around my head. I sca n ned the area a n d saw Amanda hoisted into the a i r, kicking a n d scre a m i ng, by two of the schoo l 's a d m i n istrators, Dr. Hauck a n d M r. Lee. The t h i rd , Dr. Sch af, a p p roached m e from my left s ide, the backside of the ruckus, a n d put h is h a n d on my shou lder. I looked u p at h i m a n d saw a g iga ntic sm i rk e n trenched firmly i n h i s g rizzled face. It was then that I beca me kee n ly aware of a thousand pairs eyes a l l loo king i n my d i rection from across the cafeteria. I

I

knew w h at was com i n g next. 224

I'm Just Dying To Know You

Shamefu lly, I stood u p and began walking the g a u n tlet of jeers, screams a n d a p pla u se from the stu dent body. D r. Schaf was i n tow with h i s h a n d o n my shoulder the entire way, either i n a d is play of s u p port o r a show of situat ional control to the rest of the student body. . . I l i ke to t h i n k the first, but it was probably a little of bot h . *********

"And that's it," I said, sitti n g back i n the chair that faced D r. Schaf's desk. "That's everyt h i n g ." D r. Schaf stu d ied me as if I were a speci m e n i n some sort of laboratory study i n co m ic tragedy. H i s h a n d s were clasped i n front of h i s face with both t h u m bs resting u n d e r h i s c h i n a n d i n d ex fingers exte n ded, form ing a point w h i ch h i d a s m irk h e 'd worn since about the th i rd sentence of my tale. The pen that h i s fi ngers o n ce clenched lay cool i n g u po n the i n cident report, for he had l o n g ago a ba n doned the prospect of writi ng as I told my story fi n d i n g that it req u i red m u c h more than j u st a cursory interest. H e coughed a n d said, "I just . . . I don't know what to say, Peacock." " We l l then, d o n 't say a nyth i n g ," I sug gested. "Just let this . . . You know. S l i d e rig ht by. Without a comment." He l a u g h e d . " O h , now you know as well as I do, th at's im poss i ble." H e sat back i n his oversized chair, which rotated s l ightly i n response to the i n e rtia . "Yea h , I know," I repl i e d . " I mean . . . WOW. This i s j u st . . .

"

I nodded. "Ye a h , I know . . . " I said once a g a i n , s h a rper this time, try i n g to get h i m to s h ut u p . He squ inted a little a n d s h ifted h i s head to the rig ht. " . . . And it looks l i ke she clocked you pretty good right there," h e said, pointing to his left eye to indicate my right. "It's gotten a little puffy since we've been sitti n g h e re." sq u i n ted with the one eye . . . It felt m uch tighter than it shou ld have, but noth i n g I'd rea lly class ify as pa i n . I lifted my hand to feel j u st a bove my rig h t cheek bone - it was a little swollen and puffy. "Is it black?" I asked h i m . I

He s h ifted his head s l ig htly. "It's not now . . . but it'll proba b l y be a little d iscolored. It's not the worst I've ever seen, but you can deft n itely tell you got bopped." "We l l , s h it," I m uttered, forgetting w h e re I was. I looked i m m ed iately at D r. Schaf with wide, plead i n g eyes, iss u i n g a n u n s poken a pology for my l a n g u a g e w h ich he accepted with a 225

Mentally Incontinent

d i s m issive wave-off. " M a n . . . " I continued, "As if a l l of this s h i . . . E r, as if this CRAP. . . with Amanda weren't bad eno ugh a l ready, now I gotta go a n d expl a i n a black eye to everyone . . . " "Peacock . . ." he said, fol d i n g h is a rm s over h is chest. "Everyone saw what ha ppe n e d . I mean, you had to m a rch thro u g h the entire cafeteria after she th rott led you ... And I'm pretty s u re you had the entire room's atte ntion, so really, I d o u bt yo u 'l l have to expla i n it to a n yone." I looked at h i m as my l u ngs slowly deflated t h ro u g h my nostrils. " Please . . . suspend m e ." He l a u g hed heartily. " N o no, I'm not going to do that. Amanda, yeah ... s h e 's probably going to be i n ISS for a w h i le," he said, refe rring to I n -School Suspens i o n . " B ut I d o n 't see w h e re you d i d a n ything wrong h ere, so . . . '' " PLEASE ! " I pleaded. " Fo r the love of God, suspend m e ! I can't go back i nto classes with t h i s h a n g i n g over m e ! I'm begg ing yo u ! " "Joe, I ca n 't suspend you if you d i d noth i n g wro n g ." H e picked u p h is pen and conti n u ed where he'd left off with h i s report for my pe rmanent fi l e . " Besides," h e said w h i l e looking down, " If I s u s pend you , you won 't be a bl e to play i n the game this weeke n d ." J u st then, t h ree s h a rp electronic tones ra ng across the schoo l 's intercom system, i n d icating that it was 3 : 1 0 PM a n d t i m e for everyone to m a ke a mad rush into the h a l lways i n a n effort to get the h e l l out of the b u i ld i n g . For m e , however, it s i g n a led the begin n i n g of my descent into h e l l , as I had football practice that afte rnoon a n d had to be dressed a n d on the field i n 3 0 m i n utes. "That's the bell," h e said, looking u p at me with h is head sti l l down - a n action wh ich had become a tra d e m ark of h i s . "Yo u 'd better get to practice." I sighed a n d stood. With a funera l d i rg e playing i n my head and a defeated look on my face, I beg a n s h uffl i n g toward the door of his office to m a ke my way toward the F U N awaiting me at practice. As I reached for the door a n d s w u n g it ope n , I heard D r. Schaff call from be h i n d me, "And hey. . . Peacock?" I tu rned a n d looked his way. "Yeah?" " Do n 't sweat this," he re pl ied . "It'll a l l blow over soon e n o u g h ." I looked at the g ro u n d , then back u p. I'm not s u re why. "Yea h , okay," I agreed. "See you tomo rrow," he sa i d as I w a l ked out. From the m o m e n t I entered the h a l l I heard wh ispers a n d g i g g les a l l a ro u n d m e . I made my way t h ro u g h the h a l l s to my fo u rth

226

I'm Just Dying To Know You

period classroom to coll ect the things I'd left laying i n there before lunch, then down the h a l l to my locker a n d fi n a l l y back around a n d to the gym . The e n tire time, I heard heckling and jeers; people ca l l i n g m y n a m e a n d a s k i n g m e q u estions. With a sta lwart s p i rit a n d Dean Clea n 's " Fu c k off" attitude, I ignored them a l l a n d went on to practice (w h ich went exactly as you'd expect it to, so I wo n 't waste m u ch time on descri b i n g the knee-jerk rea ctions of a g a n g of over-testoste roned Neanderthal h i l l bi l ly basta rds ) . Home wasn't m uch fun either. Jenny laid into m e a bout how stupid it was of me to date A m a n d a ("I d i d n 't DATE h er! ! ! S h e had the wrong idea !") w h ich lead to a hars h sco l d i n g about my fig hting with h e r i n the l u nch room ("I d i d n 't FIGHT her! ! ! She j u st kept h itting m e ! " ) . The vol u m e of that conversation spawned the d readed U pset Mother carry i n g the Spatula of Hitting + 1 ("No, Mom - O W ! - I swear, I d i d n 't - O U C H ! - I wasn't fig hti n g ! I j u st sat there a n d took it - O W W ! - Just l i ke now ! " ) . Anytime the U pset Mother spawns, sh e's acco m pa n ied by A n g ry Dad who has " S p i rit of Pissed Off Bear" on auto-cast. I j ust th a n k God that I had the counter-spe l l , "A G i rl Kicked My Ass," h a ndy (It paralyzes the s u bject with l a u g hter) . It was a bout 1 0 : 00 PM before I was fi nally a ble to fi nd sanct u a ry i n my bedroo m . Somewhere between d ra w i n g l ittle caricatures of the people I went to school with fi n d i n g their dem ise in creative ways a n d jotting m a n i c and overdra m atic entries i n my journal, M i ke called . "What do you want?" I asked h i m with a note of irritation o n my •

VOICe. "What?" h e asked i n defense. "I was j ust ca l l i n g my friend ." " M m - h m m ." " I wa nted to offer my s u pport," he added . " Ri g ht . . ." I replied from the back of my throat. " I also wanted to re m i n d you , we have a test i n Calhoon's class tomo rrow," h e said, referring to o u r seco n d period Co llege Math class - a class I only showed u p for if there was a test. Not so m uch so that I co u l d take it, but to \ h e l p ' M i ke take h i s . "Yea h , okay, I'll be there. Don't worry," I re plied as I doodled a little i n my s ketchbook. " I also wanted to re m i n d you that you got yo u r ass kicked by a g i r- *Click*" I not-so-gently placed the phone on the cra d l e a n d returned to the se lf-ri g hteous e n d eavors of a tee nager who had a pen, some pa per, and a few hours to k i l l . The next day at school, I was a ghost. I h i d out i n the a rt 227

Mentally Incontinent

room cages before homeroom that morn i n g , prete n d i n g to work on some sort of pottery assig n m e n t Ms. Daug htry had g iven the week prev iou s . Tha n ks to my position i n the front office as the principa l's aide, I enjoyed the fle x i b i l ity of having a pass that a l lowed m e out of homeroom to start my d uties early for my first office period . The only real threat I faced that morn i n g was D r. Schaf, who fired a few l i g ht shots across the bow of my ego to re m i n d me that, if h e wanted to, he co uld s i n k it q u ite easily. Other than that, I h i d out i n the copy room a n d let the first two hours of school slide by without incident. Then came second period . p u rposely a rrived five m i n utes late, g a m b l i n g that the test would have a l ready started a n d I co u ld s k i p the pre-class hazing I knew I'd receive. Tha n kful ly, l u c k was with m e - Mr. Ca lhoon was a l ready passing out the papers when I cracked the door open a n d slid thro u g h . I

" N ice of you ta' j o i n us," M r. Calhoon said i n a very heavy Scottish brog u e . " I was beg i n n i n ' ta' t h i n k you were i n the hospita l for a bruised e g o ! " The class c h u ckled i n response. I j u st snatched the test paper from h i s extended hand, took my seat, a n d began work i n g on the test. It took a m e re ten m i n utes to complete, a n d after I was done I ha nded M i ke my completed test a n d h e switched it o ut with h is b l a n k one, which I com pleted in u nd e r four. I sat there the rest of the period a n d pu rposely kept my head down, avoid ing the attempts from severa l classmates to g a i n my attention with a look s o that they co u l d either s i lently express sympathy or a m u se m e nt for my pred icament. With o n l y two m i n utes left to suffer throu g h , there was a knock at the door of the classroom. M r. Calhoon rose to greet whoever was b e hi nd it, a n d w h i l e the cu riosity that a rises i n a l l of u s a bout the person behind a door that has been knocked on b u rned so hot it t h reatened to co n s u m e me, I managed to q u e l l the fl ames a n d keep my head d ow n . I was n 't going to g ive ANYO N E the opport u n ity to ta l k to m e a bout a nyt h i n g reg a rd i n g A m a n d a , no way, no how, no matter wha"Joe Peacock?" I hea rd from the front of the roo m . The voice was fe m i n i ne a n d only somewhat fa m i l iar. So m u ch for keeping my head down. I looked u p to see who it was. Sta n d i ng at the door was M r. Cal hoon with h i s left a rm ra ised, the e n d of which conta i ned a n extended index fi nger pointing i n my d i recti o n . To h is left was a petite black wom a n with a concerned look on her face a n d a Clayton County Police u n iform on h e r body. S h e was looking down the barrel of M r. Calhoon's a rm , l i n i n g m e u p i n the sig hts . I had seen her a few times in the ha llway over the past two weeks of school a n d recog n ized h e r as 228

I'm Just Dying To Know You

o u r school's b ra n d new "Resou rce Office r", J e n n ifer Brown. " U h ... Yea h ? "

I

aske d , confused a n d sca red to death.

"Would you come with me?" s h e asked, exte n d i n g her arm m uch l i ke M r. Calhoon had before a n d , i n stead of pointi n g my way, flexed her fi nger to beckon m e near. "Oooo h 's" and " U h-oh's" Fil led the a i r as I rose s u l l e n ly a n d l u m bered u p the row of filled desks to the fro nt of the room, tu rned left, a n d was ushered out the door with the light g u i d a nce of h e r h a n d on my back. As I entered t h e h a l l way, I saw Dr. Schaf sta n d i n g to one side of the doorway, out of sight. H e nodded toward me and uttered someth i n g that sounded l i ke my n a m e , but I cou l d n 't rea lly m a ke it out. I turned a ro u n d i n time to see Officer Brown exit the room w ith the door clos i n g behind her, so I stood to one side a n d a l lowed her to lead m e to wherever it was that we were go i n g . I thought a bout asking what was going on, but I fig u red whatever it was, it was h a p pe n i n g a n d I'd fig u re it out soon enoug h . The only com m u nication that took place d u ring our march was D r. Schaf placing h i s h a n d on my shou lder in a sign of either s u p port or situational control. I l i ke to t h i n k it was the first . . . We e ntered the back door of the front office a n d I was led by Officer Brown to a room I recog n ized as the fo rm e r office of one of the school's old councilors (who had been terminated a year before for reasons never clearly a n n o u nced, but the rumor was that h e punched a parent d u ri n g a peer med iatio n ) . The screws affi x i n g the brass namep late holder to the door were visible, a n xiously awaiting the new placard bearing o u r school's county-appointed pol icewom a n 's n a m e to cover them . I entered the room and took a seat i n a c h a i r that would have felt j ust l i ke the one i n Dr. Sch af's office if the foa m i n the seat had been con d itioned over the years to mold to my butt the way that one h a d . D r. Schaf a n d Officer Brown spoke outside of h e r office for a few seconds in h ushed to n es and w h ispers. I stra i n e d m ig htily to hear what was being said, but years of loud rock a n d rap m usic had made it i m possible to eavesdrop without looking at the s u bjects' l i ps. As the s h a rp trio of tones ra n g across the intercom system i n d icating the e n d of second period, I heard someone enter the room a n d close the door be h i n d them. Officer Brown rou nded the desk and took her place i n the c h a i r d i rectly across from m e . My eyes were near the point of watering, my head was being poked by a thousand hot needles, a n d my stomach felt as if it would fa l l t h ro u g h my ass a n d h it the floor at a n y seco n d . I was a g iga ntic ba l l of n e rvous energy. I was a bout to explode. Every n a n oseco n d that ticked by added to the mounting tensio n .

229

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What the FUCK did you do ? ?

NOTHING! I haven't done ANYTHING yet this year! See, I want to believe that, too. . . But being your subconscious is a very stressful job, and sometimes I can be forgetful. . . Wait a second! Didn 't they make fighting in school an arrestable offence this year?

Um ... Yeah, but I wasn't fighting! I was just getting beat up! SHE was fighting! Arrest her, not me! Don't tell ME that, tell HER!

" I wasn't fig h ti n g ! " I yelpe d . a nyth i n g wron g ! Arrest H E R ! "

"I

j u st sat there! I d i d n 't do

"No, no," Officer Brown said calm ly. "It's n ot h i n g l i ke that. You're not in a n y tro u ble." O h , what a d ifference five words ca n make. M y g uts were s u cked back into my butthole a n d my head cooled off i m m ed iately as breathed a heavy s i g h of re lief. "Oh, t h a n k GOD."

I

" But . . . I have some bad news." Bring on the need les of pokey hot fire ! Pre pa re t h e floor for my guts! U n d e rstand that you know, or at least know of, A m a n d a Peters?" s h e h a lf stated, half asked. "1..

.

Oh, no. This can NOT be good.

I ki lled her. Don't be ridiculous.

I

nodded, ind icating that I d i d , i n fact, know or know of Ama nda

Peters. "We l l . . ." Officer Brown co n t i n ued, " S h e was fo u nd a l ittle w h i l e ago, i n the Fine Arts h a l l bath room a long with a letter, cont a i n i n g yo u r n a me ."

OH GOD, I KILLED H E R. Calm down. You don 't know that.

What else can it be? She's got a h istory! They ... They found her with a NOTE! What else can it be, huh? 230

I'm Just Dying To Know You

She could have just been writing poetry while on the john or something. Calm down. Don't be ridiculous.

Calm down? H ow can I calm down? I'm going to JAIL! For murder! We are NOT going to jail. We don't even know what happened. Calm. Down.

" S h e was u nconscious, a pparently from a reaction brought o n from taking a n entire bottle of Advi l." Okay, yeah, you killed her.

I KNEW IT! I KILLED H E R! WITH ADVIL! " O h , no n o ! Joe, She's okay," Officer Brown said i n res ponse to the look of extreme horror that had g rown on my face. " S h e 's on her way to the emergency room at Southern Regional now, and the paramedics a s s u re d me that s h e is going to be fi n e ."

Oh, thank CH RISTI But you don't believe in Christ.

I do now! And I thank him hearti ly! I sighed so heav ily, I l ifted the edges of some papers on h e r desk a n d caused them to scoot sl i g htly. I had a m i l l ion q uestions, and a l l of them ca m e fly i n g out at once. "When . . . What . . . O kay, u m . . . Why d i d she . . . You k n ow . . . U m . . . ?" "We l l , I was h o p i n g you co u l d s h ed a little l i g h t on that," s h e said, opening a fo lder and m a k i n g notes on paper that not at a l l resem bled the ones o n D r. Schaf's desk. " We l l . . . I d o n 't . . . I d o n 't know, honestly," I re plied. " I k n ow that s h e had some . . . Issues. I n the past and stuff." "What sort of issues?" Offi cer Brown asked . " We l l , Officer, I . ." "Jen n ife r," s h e a n nou nced, head dow n . " Excuse me?" "You ca n ca l l m e J e n n ifer," she re plied as she looked u p at me, "If that's more comforta ble for yo u ." " U h . . . O kay, J e n n ifer. I don't rea lly know m u c h a bout Aman d a 's 231

Mentally Incontinent

past, except for what I 'd hea rd from frie nds over the weeke n d . You see, I only j ust met h e r Friday, a n d . . ." "What was your relations h i p?" s h e interjected. "Huh?" "You and A m a n d a ," she expa nded . "What was you r re lati o n s h i p?" " U m m . . . I d u n n o. Friends, maybe? I d i d n 't really know her. . ." "You were n 't . . . More than that?" s h e asked . "No ... N O ! God no. N o no no," I i n siste d . "We l l , I mean ... S h e wanted u s to be, but I. . . No." " H m m ," she said, retu rn i n g to writi n g . "So there wasn't a n yth i n g between the two of yo u ? Anyth i n g . . . Physica l?" " N o ! Wait - We kissed once, but I d i d n't l i ke it." She lifted her head with a s h ot and looked at m e q u izzically. I extrapolated from her reaction that I needed to cla rify that a little. "I'm not gay," I stated . H e r look g rew even more q u i zzica l . "I d o n 't care," s h e re plied. "We l l , I j ust . . 1 . ." I looked at my feet, smacked my l i ps, and looked back u p at h e r. "We kissed. That's a l l ." .

.

" Nothing e l se?" " No," I re p l i ed . She went back to writ i n g her report. "That's not what s h e indicated," J e n n ifer stated. " O h , well I d o n 't d o u bt it," I said with a d is m issive snort. "What d i d she tell you ?" " S h e d i d n 't. Te l l me, I mean," the officer repl i ed. "It was i n her note." "Can I read it?" I asked . She chuckled a little. "No, I d o n 't th i n k so. I ca n 't let you d o that." "We l l . . . Can you at least tell m e what was i n it?" I aske d . She looked u p at me w it h a crooked s m i le, i n d icati ng that she was n 't g o i n g to. " Please?" I pleaded. " I need to know." She sighed, and sat back i n h e r cha i r. " O kay, let's j u st say that s h e clea rly has a d iffe rent idea a bout the nature of your relati onshi p." We sat i n h e r office for the better part of two hours, d u ri n g 232

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which time I m a n aged to find out that Amanda was su icidal d u e to my not wanting to - and I'm not k i d d i n g here - father h e r c h i ld re n . "If Joe doesn't want me, then N O O N E can have me, EVER!" was another cho ice q u ote that Officer Brown related. U ltimately, she e n ded u p te lling m e everyt h i n g I could have lea rned by read i n g the actual note. "Okay, I have to g o see her," I responded. "I H I G H LY advise that you don 't," J e n n ifer rep l i e d . "Why not? She's clearly i n n eed of help, a n d I need to set her stra ig ht." "You're rig ht, s h e DOES need hel p," she a n swered, "But trust m e - you 're not i n a n y position to g ive h e r any. In fact, I'd say that s h o w i n g u p right now would be the worst t h i n g you co u ld do." She pa used for a second to let the words s i n k i n , then added, "She needs to be away from you, a n d you need to be away from h e r." I thought it t h rough for a moment. "Ye a h , o kay. I g u ess you 're right." I scratched my head and s h ifted i n my chair, and asked "Okay, so w h at now?" " We l l , I t h i n k I've got everyth i n g I need from you , a n d I ca n get Mr. Schaf to fi l l i n the rest of the deta ils. So you sho ul d probably get back to class. And Joe?" "Yea h?" I asked as I beg a n to sta n d . She looked into my eyes a n d a s ked s i m ply, " Do n 't d iscuss this with a nyone, please. I mea n , I know you 're going to tell your fa m i ly a n d probably your friends, but . . . You know. Try to keep that to a m i n i m u m ." "Alright, I w i l l ," I sa i d . She rose a n d gave m e a h u g a n d let m e k n ow that if there was a nyt h i n g I needed, I co u l d come to h e r a n yti m e . I d i d n't k n ow it t h e n , but this partic u l a r little meeting was the start of a n a m azing friends h i p that i m pacted m e i n ways that sti l l persist to this day. . . but that's a n other story for a noth e r t i m e . This time, I s h a l l te l l you that I co m pletely ig nored her advice a n d at the end of the school day, I ski pped footba l l practice and insisted M i ke d rive m e to Southern Reg ion a I to visit A m a n d a . " D u d e , that's a BAD idea," h e said loud ly, repeating Officer Brow n 's sentiment w h i l e shouting over The Rol l i n s Band a l b u m that played o n his C a m a ra 's speakers . " I d o n 't care," I ins isted. " I have to a pologize a n d clear the a i r." "Yea h , okay, th at's g reat a n d a l l , but you d i d n 't do a nyth i n g wro n g ! " " D ud e , I nea rly ki lled the g i rl with Ad v i l ," I stated . 233

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" N O , you d i d n 't, she took a bunch of Advil because s h e 's n uts," he replied. " But look at it this way - at least it d id n 't h u rt w h e n s h e h it the floor!" I frowned h i s way. " Dude, that s h it's not fu nny." " O h , come o n . It was a l ittle fu n n y." " I shou ld n 't have led her on," I said, i g noring h i m a n d retu rn i n g to the crisis at h a n d . "You DIDN'T!" h e d e m a n d e d . "She's loo n y ! You attract the crazies - have n o control over that. Just let it g o ! Let's g o back to you r house a n d play Morta l Kombat or someth i ng ." " N o . I have to see h e r," I i n sisted, a n d turned to stare stra i g ht forward i n a n act of sta lwart determ inatio n . He kept looking between the road and me, try i n g to sta re me down w h i l e not k i l l i n g us bot h . " F i n e . W h atever you say," h e fi nally said with a s h r u g . We a rrived at the hospita l about 3 : 45 PM a n d I nea rly sprinted into the e m e rg e ncy roo m . "Am a n d a Peters ! " I shouted at the startled clerk at the registration cou nter. " U m . . . Excuse m e ?" h e asked. "I need to see A m a n d a Peters, please. What room is she i n ? " The clerk d i d some ty ping o n the computer i n front of h i m , then t u rned to a n u rse sta n d i n g nearby a n d asked h e r to come take a look at someth i n g . The n u rse looked over h e r g lasses at the com puter screen, then u p at m e . "Are you i m med iate fa m i ly?" she asked . "No . . . I'm u h . . . I'm her frie n d ," I a n swere d . "I j u st . . . I heard a bout her and wanted to come see h e r." ''I'm so rry, s i r," she a nswere d . "I'm afra id that o n l y i m m ediate fa m i ly are a l lowed back to see this patient." " But . . . But I-" "Joe?" I h e a rd from behind me. I tu rned to find A m a n d a 's mother sta n d i n g j u st to my left clutching two sodas. The sight of her sent a blue electricity t h rough my body, ca using me to nea rly h it the g ro u n d . It took a second to recover, but I fi nally m a naged to say the word, " H i ." "What . . . W h at are you doing here?" s h e asked . . " I J USt... I wante d to... I J USt . ·

. ."

"You . . . Wanted to see A m a n d a ? " she asked . I nodded. 234

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" We l l . . . I d o n 't t h i n k that's a very good idea," she a n swere d . I sighed. " I d o n 't . . . I d o n 't want to cause any tro u ble, Mrs. Peters," I sa i d . " I j ust heard a bout her a n d I wanted to come a n d . . . I d u n n o . Ta l k to her. Te l l h e r I'm so rry." She closed h e r eyes a n d shook h e r head . "Joe, t h is is not you r fa u lt," s h e a nswered l i ke a woman well experienced w ith t h i s sort of situatio n . "As I'm s u re you know, A m a n d a 's had some ... Issues. In the past." J u st t h e n , I noticed that n o matter who said those words, they a l ways came o ut so u n d i n g the s a m e . " I know," I a n swered. " B ut I j u st . . . I feel so bad . . . " " I u n dersta n d , honey," s h e re p l ied, swapping both sodas into her left a rm a n d placing a cold right h a n d o n my a r m . "And rea l ly, you s h o u l d n 't. This is n 't your fault, no matter what you may have heard ." " R i g ht," I a nswered . " B ut sti l l . . . I need to see her. I need to te l l her I'm sorry." M rs . Peters looked at m e with a m i xt u re of pity for my situation a n d u n dersta n d i n g for my feelings, and reluctantly agreed. I followed her down a long series of w i n d i n g ha lls, thro u g h t h ree separate sets of heavy double doors, a n d fi na lly to a secluded room at the very far e n d of the e m e rgency roo m . As I wal ked i n , I saw a groggy A m a n d a with a n IV i n her a rm a n d a s m a l l s p ray g rey l i q u i d d ry i n g o n a b i b wrapped a ro u n d her neck. Her mother walked around to the s id e of the bed a n d placed her h a n d on Amanda's a r m . "Am a nd a , honey. . ." she said softly. Amanda g roaned s l ig htly a n d opened h e r eyes. Im med iately, they locked on 111 e . I s m i led a little a n d waved, fig hting off the intense na usea b u i l d i n g with i n my nervous stomach so as to fe i g n bravery a n d happi ness to see her. H e r m o u th bent i nto a s m i l e a n d , with a s m uch intensity as she co uld m u ster, s h e said, " I knew you cared !"

Oh no ... Yep, you just made a huge mistake, bucko.

For once, I agree with you wholeheartedly. For a bout ten m i n utes, I fought off as d e l icately as I cou ld A m a n d a 's i n s istence that my visit showed how m uch I tru ly loved her. I tried as h a rd as I co u l d , without h u rting her fee l i n g s , to let her know that I o n l y came to m a ke s u re s h e was okay a n d to express to her that I never m e a nt to g ive her the wrong idea. It never once d a wned on m e before that m o m ent that by doing j ust that, I'd g iven h e r the wrong 235

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idea once a g a i n . F i n a l l y, acknowledg i n g my folly, I lost a l l semblance of tact, bit my l i p , a n d j u st told h e r how it was. "Am a n d a , I w i l l never, ever be you r boyfri e n d . We won't be ma rried, a n d I certa i n l y won't be the father of your c h i l d . I d o not l i ke you i n that way. I a m sorry, but that's how it is." She looked at me with s h a ky eyes, t h e n beg a n to cry. She ca l led m e a few choice na m es as her mother rushed to usher m e out of the roo m . I felt i m m ensely g u i lty, once a g a i n , that I had caused such g rief within h e r, but her mom let me off the hook. "You d id what you had to. You s h o u l d n't be so rry a bout that," s h e said . " I j u st . . . I fee l horri ble ... " ''Joe, you should go home," s h e fi n a l l y s a i d . "Am a nda w i l l be fi n e . I'll ta l k to h e r, a n d she's going to get some hel p." S h e looked m e over once more, t h e n gave m e a h u g . "Go ho me," she w h ispere d i n my ear. I broke from the h ug a n d turned on my heel to find my way out of the hospita l . As I entered the wa iting area and placed my h a n d on Mi ke's shoulder, h e stood, took one look a t m e , a n d t u rned to exit without saying a word .

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# of Votes WINNER 220/o (43) "S&M With Best Buy" By Brittany Gandolfo Other Stories

# of Votes

"The Jigsaw Puzzle Life Is" By Lady_Stardust

17% (34)

"Guitar Story" By Bailnout

14% (28)

"Why I Don't Dance" By Aeonite

9%

(17)

"Unhappy Endings" By Krsitnee

7%

(14)

"The Amazing Flying Corn Snake" By JohnnySix

6%

( 1 2)

"The Stranger" By Animefan

5%

(9)

"A Night I n Woolongong" By Breadfan

4%

(7)

"Fear The Willow" By Utter_Bastard

4%

(7)

"Mind and Body: The Whole, The Two" By Sizarah

3%

(6)

"Good Fertilizer" By SexCPotatoes

3%

(6)

"Off The Deep E nd/' By da rkwaters

3%

(5)

"Best Friends Forever" By Reflections

2%

(4)

"Su rvivor, Fighter, Victim" By Coldnight

1%

(3)

M y Comments: It's so h a rd to d o the G uest C h a pter contests. I got so many fa ntastic stories that I really wanted to put ALL of them u p on the website to be co nsidered. I even added two extra slots to the total n u m be r of entries (orig i n a l l y s u p posed to be 1 2 , but it's my website, so I can d o what I wa n n a ) beca use I s i m ply could not find a way to cut those two out. Britt's story i s fantastic. It's very very fu n ny, showing yet a n other co m pany with issues where c u sto mer service is conce rned. One day, co m pa n ies a re going to fig u re t h is one s i m pl e fact out: Co nsu m ers ta l k . W h e re the voting is concerned, the top five stories stayed extremely close for a very long time, then as the d e a d l i n e for voting ended, the g a ps began to w i d e n . I th i n k it shows that a l l of them were fantastic, each i n their own right. I'd l i ke to give very s pec i a l mention to Lady Stard u st/s story - it is p h e no mena l . Bailnout's story is one of my a l l time favorites of h is, a n d I get to hear it a nyti m e I want since I have l u n ch with h i m a bout three times a week. And if you 've never read a n y of Aeon ite's work, you're m issing out. Check h i m out at htt p : //www.aetherea lforge .co m .

Mentally Incontinent

This is a story about a young woma n, whom we will call Brittany, a nd her re lationship with Best Buy . . .

1 . The Hi story Britta ny a n d Best Buy have n ever gotten a long . . . We l l that's not fa i r to say - Brittany loves Best Buy, it's j ust the customer service s h e doesn't a g ree with . Her relati o n s h i p with Best Buy is that of a n S&M relationsh i p - she gets a bused d a i ly, yet ret u rn s t i m e a n d time a g a i n . If you want to start at the very beg i n n i n g , t h i s love/hate relatio n s h i p dates back to 1997. W h i l e t h i s was not a memora ble occasion i n the sense that somet h i n g sign ificant occurred, it was the first time that they met. Brittany has seen Best B u y t h ro u g h m a ny cha nges and has a l ways w i l l i n g l y stood by his side. First, there was the Best Buy off of the South side of the Katy Freeway i n Houston - this is where they first met. Brittany saw h i m thro u g h the biggest cha nge of their life together, the leap across the Katy Freeway to the N o rth s i d e . She was startled to co m e home from New York and not see h i m i n his ori g i n a l location, b u t forgave h i m for moving without tel l i n g h e r and stood by h i m . She a lso visited h i s relatives o n HWY 6 and even i n places as far away as College Station, TX. Now, this e ntire time, Brittany has been constantly a bused by Best Buy's C u sto mer Service representatives. They a l ways li ked to make it as d ifficult as possible on her, ta king adva n tage of the fact that Brittany kept co m i n g back. They laug hed every time Brittany decided to sign a two-year service pla n for every item s h e bought. They laughed know i n g the commitment s h e was e m barking on a n d they thought Brittany co u ld n 't h e a r them l a u g h i n g . But Brittany k n ew. S h e was just too deep into it, she d i d n 't know w h a t to do. U ntil New York . . . Britta ny moved to New York j u st after school a n d started seeing the Best Buy there. W h i l e she was hes ita nt at fi rst beca use of everyth i n g she had been thro u g h , she w i l l i n g l y gave h e r heart a n d soul to Best Buy. For her birthday, her parents bou g ht her a d ig ital camera . Th is was her first big p u rchase at Best Buy i n New York, a n d of course, s h e bought a service p l a n . K nowing that s h e was a bout to com mit to yet a n other two-year a g reement with the m , she sig ned it; but she heard n o laughter - where was the laug hter this time? Noth i n g . . . just s i lence. B rittany looked up and there were s m i les a l l a rou n d . S h e left as q u ickly as poss ible, scared of what j ust ha ppened . "Should I let h i m treat me so well? I'm not used to this," she thought - " I d o n 't know how to react." We l l good t h i n g she bou g ht the service pla n beca use low and be hold, j u st a few months after s h e bought it, so meone d ropped Britta ny's camera a n d she had to, g u l p, go back to Best Buy custo m e r 238

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service. But to h e r a m azeme nt, the l i n e was s h ort, there was n o l a u g h i n g , j ust s m i les and friendly faces. They exchanged her camera (for FREE) and s h e was o n her way. S h e thought it m ust be a fl u ke . . . A n d t h e n , h e r computer crashed.

2. The Lure Britta ny's computer i s her life - a n d one day, it crashed. This ha ppened once before (about five months before, i n J u l y ) , a n d l i ke her most recent ca m e ra i ncident, s h e had a g reat experience with custo m e r service. But w h e n s h e took her poor, d y i n g co m puter i n j u st before Ch ristmas, the m a n b e hi nd the co unter told her that it would be ready i n t h ree weeks - obviously d isa ppointi n g news, but no s u rprise. Soon after, Britta ny received a voice m a i l from Best B u y custo m e r service. H e r heart was racing . What were they going to say? Co uld they not fix it? W i l l s h e have to buy a new computer? W i l l it take m uch longer t h a n ex pected to get it back? S h e tried to ca l m down w h i l e play i n g the message back - but she cou l d n 't hear a n yth i n g . She had been so d i stracted with h e r racing thoug hts that the only words she could m a ke out were " ... ready to be picked u p ." Could it be? Could her com puter be ready j u st a mere fourteen days after s h e d ropped it off? S u rely t h is was a m i x u p . Reluctantly Brittany brought her la ptop ca rri e r to work so she co uld pick u p h e r computer o n her l u nch hour. Even though s h e knew in her heart of hearts that this would be a wasted tri p - no l u nch, and no computer - s h e sti ll decided to give them one more chance. If a nyth i n g else, she would be a b le to vent a lot of pent u p frustration to them when s h e gets there a n d sees h e r co m p uter is not. So, she made her way to the U pper East S ide, sacrificing h e r l u nch hour to "pick u p h e r co m p u te r." W h e n she got to Best Buy, she made the fearful a n d hes ita nt w a l k to the d readed customer service sectio n . N o l i n e . S h e went stra ig h t to the fro nt. She was g reeted by a frie ndly s m i l i n g face, one s h e recog n ized - it was the m a n that orig i n a l ly took her computer away from her. Somet h i n g was wrong - h e recog nized her too. H e m a d e a q u ic k nod, a n d w a l ked away. A h , good - back to S&M . No wait, he's back, a n d what was he carry i n g ? H e r computer? ! ? It ca n 't be! How is it possible for this man to recognize her, without excha n g i n g words, a n d then to have her com p uter on h a n d a n d ready one week early? He w a l ked u p to her, set the com puter down a n d said, "I'm sorry." Ah h a h ! Th e re was a catch - th a n k God this was a d re a m . "I'm back i n real ity," s h e thoug ht, " I know how to h a n d l e this. They m u st be s h owing it to m e before they b u rn it because noth i n g co u ld be salvaged. They want me to have one last goodbye." H e then proceeded to ta l k, " I 'm so rry Britta ny; we thought we'd have it to you sooner. You see, we needed to back u p your data before we i nsta l led a new h a rd d rive, 239

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but for some reason your data wasn't ta king to any of o u r memory syste m s . So we had to wait five days before we co u ld even beg i n to back u p your data, a n d then we sent it away. I was so worried that you w o u ld be u pset. I kept t h i n king a bout how you said you needed your computer a n d here it was taking longer tha n I thought. But reg a rd less, h e re it is as good as new." Stu n n ed . There a re n o words. Was t h i s a joke? This m u st be some sort of sick joke. But it w a s n 't. Has her voice fi n a l l y been heard in her long lasting relat ionsh i p with Best Buy? Is s h e fi n a l ly getting what she deserves? She can finally put a l l of those bad fee l i n g s be h i n d her a n d start a n ew. U n be l ieva ble; she loved this new relatio n s h i p. It was so ca refree a n d l i g ht . No longer w i l l s h e be scared to w a l k downsta i rs to that feared customer service cou n te r. " I love you Best Buy."

3. The Problems Begi n After work, Brittany h u rried home - she co u l d n 't wait to get back so s h e co u l d set u p h e r co m puter at home, where it belongs. She p l u gged in a ll the necessa ry attachments, h it the power button a n d waited patiently. S h e stared at the screen with a nticipation - the Win dows screen popped u p - she was l i ke a k i d on Ch ristmas morn i n g . S h e h u rriedly zi pped through a l l of her settings to recreate her com p uter as it used to be. She tried to get o n l ine, as most a l l of the i n sta l l i n g req u i red i nternet access, but no i n ternet con n ection co uld be ach ieved. After checking a l l the w i res and connection settings, s h e fou n d not h i n g to be wro n g . She cal led RCN . They wa l ked h e r t h rough some basic steps to check her con n ection a n d they fo u n d that w h i l e s h e h a d a connection that they could see, it j u st was n 't con n ecti n g with h e r com pute r - well a lot of good that w i l l do. They told her to call M icrosoft. Microsoft was a waste of time so s h e called an H P h e l p l i n e . W hy do they m a ke h e l p l i nes a utomated? K i n d of cou nter­ productive if you ask m e . As s h e sat i n her cu l-de-sac, she thought a bout what she could do next. She had exha usted a l l of her options; ex pect for o n e - so s h e reluctantly decided to call Best Buy. After expla i n i n g the problem, they gave her the res ponse that they g ive everyone that ca lls i n w ith a p roblem, "Why don't you bri ng it i n so I ca n take a look at it. If I see it, I w i l l better be a b le to provide you with assistance." The whole reason why peo ple ca l l in is so they don't have to go to the store don't they u n d e rsta n d that? So s h e u n plugged h e r co m puter, packed it u p and made the trek to Best Buy. She had forgotten that it was a S u nday, but the long l i n e i n the custom e r service section q u ickly re m i nded h e r. Wee kends i n Best Buy m ig h t as well be her personal h e l l . As she fi n a l l y got to the 240

S&M With Best Buy by Brittany Gandolfo

co u nter, she fo u n d herself face to face with Dave, the s a m e m a n that gave her back her co m puter j u st two days ago. "I know you," h e said, a n d with a confused look he cont i n u e d , "What are you doing back here?" Britta ny told h i m what had h a p pe n ed when s h e tried to get o n l i n e . He booted u p her co m puter a n d within seconds h e realized what was wron g . He momenta rily reverted to a c h i l d l i ke state. "I'll be rig ht back," h e said as he snatched u p her com puter and ran to the back, as if h e were h i d i n g from h e r. Within m i n utes he returned with h e r com pute r. "I'm terribly sorry; I don't know how I could have overlooked t h i s . When we get m e rchand ise back from the re pair center, we boot them u p h e re i n the store a n d let them ru n for a few hours on the internet to m a ke s u re that everything is work i n g properly. W h e n you ca m e to pick u p your co m puter, I some how forgot to switch your internet conn ections back to norm a l . The reason w h y you co u l d n 't access the i nternet at your house was because it was try i n g to ta p into o u r network, which is not poss ible outside of the store." S h e had stopped l iste n i n g and j u st h e a rd, " blah blah blah, Best Buy s u cks, blah blah, not fixed, blah blah b la h ." W h e n h e was done ra m bl i n g , s h e s a i d , " Did you fix the problem? W i l l I be a bl e to access the internet now? That's a l l I want to k n ow." He responded with a s i m p l e yes, a polog i zed a few more times, a n d then sent her on h e r way.

4. Back to S&M Britta ny was rei ieve d . Althou g h it was a n noying that she had to g o back to Best Buy a g a i n , the problem was fixed a n d now h e r co m puter w i l l be back to normal a n d she ca n put t h i s whole mess be h i n d her. Or so she thought . . . W h e n she got home, she p l ugged h e r com p uter back i n a n d started to set u p h e r com puter for the second ti m e . Internet - u p a n d ru n n i n g . S h e started with the i nsta l lation process for a l l of h e r progra ms. It took forever but she d i d n 't m in d ; she was j ust h a p py to get her baby ba ck. Everyt h i n g was g o i n g smoothly d u ring the download, but t h e n something h a ppened. Everyt h i n g on the co m p uter pa used momenta ri l y - h e r heart s k i pped a beat - everyt h i n g shortly res u m e d . A l ri g ht good, made it t h ro u g h that one - it m u st have j ust been taking a q u ic k breather. After a l l it m u st have been tire d . It j u st got back from the service send out a n d now it was working overtime try i n g to reb u i ld itself. A forg ivable act. But then it ha ppened a g a i n . Britta ny got a l ittle conce rned, but trusted that it was a repeat of the prev ious occurrence a n d everything wou ld res u m e a g a i n . S h e wa ited . A n d waited . Th e n it h a ppened. The screen tu rned to a bright b l u e color with w h ite writi n g . Britta ny knew this screen a l l too we l l . She d i d n't even have to read it to know what it said - this was the sa m e exact thing that h a p pened to prompt her to send her co m puter away in the first place six months 241

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prior. She sat there stu nned - this had to be a joke. It j u st ca m e back from the send out - it had to be fixed ! A l l of a sudden, Win dows started u p a g a i n . That was weird , she thoug ht, s i n ce she h a d n 't touched the power button a n d it j u st decided to restart on its o w n . Maybe t h i s was somet h i n g new. Maybe some new kind of software they i n sta lled that co uld detect w h e n bad things ha ppen a n d then w i l l automatica lly fix it. Britta ny knew a l l of this was a lie, but s h e h u m o red h e rself - she had to. Noth i n g else would have gotten her thro u g h it. J u st as W i ndows restarted, s h e was comforted by the New York City skyline that she had i n stalled as her wallpa per. But not even a few seconds went by a n d it a l l went black. For fear of m a k i n g it worse, s h e s h u t down h e r co m p u te r (I use that term loosely as she was not a ble to actually s h ut it down - s h e j u st held down the power button, as one has to do w h e n the computer is frozen a n d not respo n d i n g , a n d wait for it to tu rn off by your forcefu l p u s h ) . She thought that maybe if she gave it some time to cool down it would work properly i n the morn i n g . It's a m azing what d e n i a l can for you. The next morning s h e woke u p a n d i m med iately h e r co m p u te r situation popped into h e r head - it was as if s h e never slept - rath e r j u st stayed awake hoping her com p uter would come back to life. She hesitantly walked to h e r co m puter a n d t u rned it o n . W i ndows start u p screen (this is goo d ) , New York City s ky l i n e (this is g reat), then black - back to Best B u y. Britta ny went on h e r l u nch h o u r u p to the U pper East Side Best B u y ; unfortunately t h i s had become too ro utine. As she e ntered the store for the t h i rd time i n five days, she had the system d ow n . First s h e w a l ked d i rectly to the counter that o n e has to g o to to retrieve the sticker that m u st be put o n m e rchand ise b rought into the store. After getting the sticker, s h e passed the man with the bellowing voice that was repeating the p h rase; "All returns, exch a nges a n d re pairs g o downsta i rs to the Customer Service desk. Down sta i rs, two lefts and you ' l l see the 'Geek Squad' si gn." S h e looked u p at h i m . He s m i rked at h e r. Her heart sta rted to race - the fee l i n g she was having was that of the u n m ista kable fee l i n g she would get w h e n s h e went to a l l the other Best Buys; she k n e w they were mock i n g h e r. She tu rned her eyes to the floor, raced downstairs, a n d made the nerve-racking walk to the Customer Service desk. Everyt h i n g looked different. No one was s m i l i n g . This was her h e l l . S h e wal ked u p to the cou n te r a n d beg a n to tell h e r frustrati n g story to the man b e h i n d the counter, Dio. H e stared blankly at her w h i l e she was desperately trying to form coherent sentences. Then he g ra b bed her co m puter and turned it o n . Everything started u p fine - of cou rse . S h e assured h im that it was broken a n d that it h a d n 't started u p norm a l ly si nce the first n ight she got it back five days ago. W h i l e he started to play a ro u n d with it a m a n walked u p behi nd 242

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her. " Excuse m e ," h e said i n a thick New York accent, try i n g to get her Gee k's attenti o n . H e was there to retrieve his computer that had j u st gotten back from the re p a i r center. "Co u l d you please te l l me w h y noth i n g is insta l led on my computer? I was u nder the i m p ression that once it ca me back from the s e n d o ut that you g uys were going to re i nsta l l my prog ra m s - I bel ieve I paid for that." An a l l too fa m i l i a r tale - s h e fe lt for the guy, but not e no ug h to forg ive the fact that h e j u st cut i n l i n e . W h i l e t h i s was ta k i n g place, a woman ca m e u p b e h i n d the l i ne-cutter and interru pted their conversatio n . G reat, now Dio was helping two people; none of which were her! As s h e watched her Geek helping the ot her customers w h i l e h e r com p uter was j u st sitting there, hel pless, s h e g rew very i m patient. She d i d n 't have a lot of time a n d this treatment was u n accepta ble. That's w h e n s h e noticed that there was a nothe r Geek wondering a ro u n d a i m lessly be h i n d the counter, d o i n g not h i n g , w h i l e the phone was ri n g i n g off the hook - natura l ly. S h e req u e sted his attention a n d said, " U m , could you please h e l p me? " He ," pointing to her o ri g i n a l Geek, "is stopping to h e l p everyone else." S h e made s u re Dio co uld hear h e r - a lthough that was a n easy task to acco m plish seeing as how s h e was yelling a n d he was sta n d i n g a l m ost d i rectly i n front of her - a tad overdra matic, but efficient nonetheless. She fell right back into h e r old routine - this was the Best Buy she re m e m be red; s h e knew exactly how to h a n d l e this. She felt she had been cheated - a l l s h e wanted was to exch a n g e her faulty computer with o n e that worked - is that too m uch to ask? After a l l , the computer was s u pposed to be ' brand new' u pon its return from the re pa i r center, but that obviously wasn't the case. J u stice was on her m i n d . S h e beg a n to go into deta i l , yet a g a i n , descri b i n g h e r situ ation to the new Geek, Alex. W h i l e she was ta l k i n g he nodded a n d patiently awaited h is turn to spea k . W h e n h e got the opportu n ity to open h is mouth h e first a polog ized ha lfheartedly (I'm ass u m i n g that's i n the Best Buy Customer Service 1 0 1 H a n d book) a n d pulled out her service p l a n . H e pointed to the fi n e print a n d i nformed her that u n t i l it had been sent away four times , they were not a b le to exch a n g e the co m puter for a new one. And not only would they have to send it away, s h e would have to pay to have them back u p her data a g a i n . That was the fi n a l straw. "You ca n not ex pect me to pay $60 to back u p my data w h e n I had my com puter for o n l y o n e day before f i n d i n g out i t had to be sent out a g a i n ." "Well, backing u p data is a personal responsibility," he stated . " Best Buy is not l ia ble for back i n g u p a nyone's data . If you want us to d o it, it w i l l be $6 0 ." S h e was l ivid to say the least. " Let me spea k to yo u r m a n a g e r." All of a sudden there was a sh ift i n h i s voice, "We l l h e does n 't know a n yth i n g a bout the tech n ica l aspect so it wou ld be pointless to have to explain it to h i m w h e n that's not h is 243

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area of expertise." "I d o n 't want to ta l k to h i m a bout my computer," s h e shouted. "I want to talk to h i m a bout h is customer service department." After a s l ight hesitation a n d a few stutters her Geek said, "Alright, look. I won't m a ke you pay for the data back u p . You d i d only have you r co m puter back for one day. I w i l l m a rk it a s paid ." Altho u g h t h is was good news, it wasn't good e n o u g h . Backing u p h e r data for free should have been expected, not the co nclusion they came to because they were th reatened w ith ' let me speak to you r m a na g e r.' Not satisfied with that, s h e a rg ued a l ittle more - at this point she d i d n 't even ca re what she had to do to fix the co m puter - she j ust wanted someone to understa n d why this was rid icu lous a n d completely u nfair; she j u st wanted to be hea rd , but no one was liste n i n g . After she vented a l ittle more s h e fe lt better, fi nally being a ble to get some frustration off h e r chest. After the k n ock-down-drag­ out fight, the tone of the conversation changed ; Brittany li ghtened u p a l ittle and A l ex was s m i l i n g , try i n g to m a ke Brittany at ease by assuring h e r that everyt h i n g wou ld be a l rig ht. H e told h e r that they would do their best to m a ke s u re this d i d n 't h a p pe n again a n d then h e promised to call her to let her know the status of the situation. "I'll call you as soon as we fi nd out a nyth i n g ." Why i s it so easy to believe those l ies? How is it that she fi nds herself back i n the exact same situation? H e r computer was back at the service center, and s h e was back to S&M.

5. Are We There Yet? Two weeks later . . . Britta ny received a phone call - a fa m i l i a r n u m ber, a fa m i l i a r voice, a fa m i l ia r messa g e : "We have some bad news." I n h e r h o pefu l state, Britta ny was not expecting to hear those words. The Geek continued, "We j ust got your co m puter back, but I'm afra i d we're g o i n g to have to send it away a g a i n to get a new hard d rive." " B u t that's why ya'll sent it away i n the first place," she shoute d . " W h y does it need a new hard drive a l ready? Let m e speak to your manager." Like clockwork, the Geek side-stepped the m a na g e r request and then expla i ned to h e r someth i n g a bout the motherboa rd a n d the fact that maybe the h a rd d rive wasn't the problem to beg i n wit h . Brittany was conflicted with th is news; a lthough she was outraged, s h e had to g ive u p and let them send it away because she needed h e r co m pu te r to be fi xed. S h e was co m pletely at their mercy. In o rd e r to kee p from going insane she had to forget who was to blame a n d just let them send her co m puter away . . . a g a i n . W h e n s h e got home that n ig ht, s h e decided to try a d i ffe rent a pproach. S i nce the Geeks wou l d n 't let her speak to the m a n a g e r, she fi g u red she would go o n l i n e and e m a i l the customer service and ask 244

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the m . S i nce her baby was still being held hostage, she borrowed h e r roommate's com puter to log onto the Best B u y website . S h e fo llowed the "Contact Us" l i n ks a n d proceeded to write an e m a i l to t h e m . After s h e sent it, s h e received a confirmation e m a i l letting h e r know that s h e wou ld hear back from a n o n l i n e representative within forty-eight h o u rs . Usua l ly waiting forty-eight hou rs j ust to get a response from custo m e r service is out of the q uestion, but it d i d n 't bother her this time; she was n u m b now. Altho u g h she had high ex pectatio n s , she later fo u n d this attem pt to be useless. The forty-eight h o u r m a rk had come and gone without a n yth i n g i n her i n box. W h e n she fi n a lly received a n e m a i l back, she was co m p letely u nsatisfi e d . The e m a i l conta i n ed several a pologies and a bsolutely n o m e ntion of the manager. W h y were they des perately try i n g to h i d e h i m from Brittany? Maybe he d i d n't exist. S h e s h rugged it off a n d tacked t h is one on to her other frustrations. Another two weeks go by . . . Britta ny picked u p her phone a n d saw a m issed call from Best Buy. S h e checked h e r message - it said that her co m puter was ready. Lea rn i n g from her past experiences, she d i d n 't trust it, so before heading u p there she ca l led Best B u y to confirm. After being put o n hold for over twenty m i n utes and being d isco n n ected twice, h e r Geek picked u p the phone. Alex explained to her that h e r co m puter came back from the service center and that they were cu rrently dow n loading her data back o n to it. H e told h e r that he would not be at Best Buy the next day, but that it would be ready for h e r to pick u p tomorrow. Elation . The next day Brittany headed to Best B u y with a s m i le o n her face. S h e got to the co u nter a n d s i nce they autom atica l ly recog n ized her, they went to get h e r co m p u te r with n o q uestions asked. The Geek set the com puter down on the counter. Somet h i n g was w ro n g . There was a n object, rese m b l i n g a d isk, resting on top of h e r compute r. "What is that?" she hesitantly a s ke d . "That's yo u r h a rd d rive" the Geek cheerfully responded. "We l l ," she cont i n u e d , "what is it d o i n g O N TOP of my computer? I got a phone call last n ig h t saying that it was ready to be picked u p - this does n 't look ready to m e ! " H e looked confused as h e said, "You d i d ? But it's not ready." We l l th a n ks Capta i n Obvio us. It tu rned out that no one knew w h at the problem was, a n d s i nce Alex was not there a n d h e was the one working on the co m puter, n o one had a clue what to do. "I'm sorry, I d o n 't know what ha ppened," he said, try i n g to a ppease h e r. "We w i l l fix it rig ht now, but it m ig h t take a few hours." " Fine, I'll wa it." For the n ext two h o u rs she waited w h i l e they busily worked on her comp uter. After sta n d i n g at the co u nter staring at them the entire time, she fig u red she had m a d e h e r point so s h e decided to g ive them

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a break from h e r scrutiny a n d began to w a l k a ro u n d the store. It was then that s h e re m e m bered she had her d igital camera with h e r. Some time before t h i s w h o le co m puter i ncident, a latch on h e r ca mera got j a m m e d . She knew that i n order to get it fixed she would h ave to g o back to Best B u y - des perately doing a nyth i n g to avoid that scenario s h e sucked it u p . Althou g h a n n oy i n g to deal with, the ca mera sti l l worked, so she j ust dealt with it - noth i n g was worth going back to Best Buy. But now, since she was a l ready there w a iting for her co m puter, she decided that i n the meantime she would kill two birds with one stone and get her ca mera fixed . She went u p to the re pair a n d exchange side of the customer service cou nter. After telling them that she had a service plan for the camera and that she needed to get it fixed because the latch was j a m med, they d i rected h e r u pstairs to get a new camera for a n exch a n g e . She asked a man to help her find her model, but they d i d n 't have the same model i n stock anym ore; it had been d i sco nti n u ed - natu ra l ly. Knowing that s h e was n 't i n the ma rket to buy a new camera , s h e opted to stick with h e r broken one, t h a n ked h i m for h i s time a n d began to head back dow n sta irs . H e then stopped her a n d said, "Wait, d o n 't you want a new camera ? " "Ye a h ," she re plied, "but I'm not going to pay for it." "You don't have to. Si nce you r model is d iscont i n u e d , we ca n exc h a n g e your ca mera for the next model u p - no c h a rg e ." M u sic to her ears . But for fear he was bluffi n g , s h e said, "A l right, t h a n ks," g ra b bed the cam era out of h i s hands and booked it dow nstairs. He fol lowed her to the customer service co u nter to m a ke the transaction fi n a l , a n d once it was, s h e w a l ked away with a brand new, u pgraded camera - FOR FRE E ! A s m a l l consolation for her co m puter p roblem, but she was h a ppy nonetheless. As s h e w a l ked back to the Geek Squad counter to check on the i r progress, s h e q u ickly came down from that h ig h . Dio to ld her that it was ta king longer t h a n e xpected and suggested that maybe she s h o u l d pick it u p tomo rrow. Frustrated, but h e l pless, s h e a g reed to come back the next day to get it. "I'll ca l l you ton i g h t to let you know the status" she could hea r h i m as she walked away. To her s u rprise, s h e d i d receive a p h o n e ca l l that n ig ht. He to ld h e r that it was now ready a n d that s h e could pick it u p tomo rrow. Like she never hea rd that before. The next day Britta n y went back to Best Buy to retrieve h e r co m puter. The Geeks a pologized profusely, gave her the computer, a n d then s h e left. W h e n s h e got home, she booted u p her co m p uter a n d sta rted to reset her setti n g s . S i nce this wasn't her first t i m e , s h e z i p ped thro u g h the process. As s h e w e n t to search for a specific fi le, her hea rt stopped. It wasn't there - she q u ickly realized that not a l l of h e r data was on the compute r. S h e picked u p the phone 246

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a n d d i a led Best B u y fra ntically. There was n o need to stop a n d look u p the n u m be r as s h e had it mem orized by now. She had to catch them before they threw away the C D with a l l of h e r data on it. H e r a d re n a l i n e took over so s h e had n o time to t h i n k a bout how a n n oy i n g it was that h e r co m p uter STILL wasn't fixe d ! All s h e could t h i n k a bout was getting that data back. After being o n hold for fortyseven m i n utes, a m a n fi na lly answered the phone. She explained the situation and he ass u red h e r that they still had her data . Then he said, " I w i l l leave it out so that you can j ust come by tom orrow to pick it u p ." If s h e heard that sentence o n e more time . . . Not trust i n g that that the CD would be there , s h e decided to ca l l Best Buy to ve rify before she went. S h e got Alex, the Geek that had been working on her co m puter t h is whole time. "Why do I see a note here saying that you are coming by to pick u p yo u r CD? W h e n I left it ru n n i ng o n Friday, everyth i n g was o n it. I d i d n 't work o n it after that so I d o n 't know w h at they d i d to it." " I don't know either," s h e said . " How should I know? Regardless, I'm co m i n g by today to pick u p the CD." " We l l I'm a bout to leave. I was actu a l ly su pposed to leave at 3 : 00 but I stayed h e re to fix this for you a n d now its 4 : 3 0 ." Her mouth dropped. How dare he m a ke h e r feel g u i lty a bout having to stay late - they were the o n es that cou l d n 't fix h e r computer! Completely ignoring that com ment she said, "Great, I'll come by after 5 : 00 ." "Well can you m a ke it before 5 : 4 5 because th at's w h e n the other tech n ician is leaving? I ca n j ust explain the situation to h i m a n d he'll be a ble to h e l p you once I leave." U n believa b l e . " S u re, I can be there by 5 : 45 . " Jackass.

6. The Final Trip Emotiona lly exha usted, Brittany made her way to Best Buy d i rectly after leaving work. S i nce this was her th i rd day i n a row to make the trip, Britta ny shut down and autopilot took over. She got to the door, wa lked i n , got her sticker, heard the m a n , and headed downstairs. On her way to the escalator, s h e noticed that a l most every s i n g l e e m ployee was sta ring at her. S h e co u ld hear their thoug hts by the looks on their faces; " S h e looks fa m i l i a r." "What is she doing back here?" She chose to ign ore them - w h o are they to j u dge? As s h e made her way down to the Geek Squad, she saw a new face behind the cou nter. Don, or as they l i ke to call h i m , Bo n . Brittany assumed that Alex had a l ready left beca use he was i n such a h u rry to get out of there w h e n he spoke to her on the phone, so s h e a s ked Bon w h e re the other 'tec h n icia n ' was that Alex had told her a bout. " H i , Alex told me that . . ." But he cut her off, "Alex, it's for you." H m m m m m , Alex was still there. Interesti n g . Alex w a l ked over to Brittany. " I 'm sorry this h a p pe n ed . I d o n 't 247

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know what they d i d to it. W h e n I left on Friday . . ." ''Yeah yea h ," she interrupted." "I don't care; I j u st want my data back." Alex started to show her how to download her data o n to h e r co m p u te r. S h e d i d n't rea l ly u n de rsta nd, but des perately tried to. After a q u ick lesso n , s h e asked h i m a bout some other problems that s h e had noticed i n the twenty-fo u r h o u r period s h e had her computer ba ck. H e r Anti­ Virus wou ldn't insta l l , her w i reless web wou l d n 't work and somet h i n g was wrong with the scroll on h e r mouse. Alex started to tackle one problem at a t i m e ; w it h i n m i n utes of looking at it, h e saw someth i n g . "You d o n 't have your d rivers." Knowing noth i n g a bout co m puters, that meant noth i n g to her. But from h i s pan icked reaction, s h e deduced that these d rivers she was m is s i n g were pretty i m porta nt a n d would most l i kely be a b l e to fix the probl e m . H e ran to the back a n d had a qu ick conference with the Geeks that were there. She recog n ized two of them, but there was a new g u y. Could it be? A Geek s h e h a d n 't met yet? J ust as s h e had this realization, a l l t h ree of them ca m e out to look at her co m p uter together. This ca n't be good. At the time Brittany was fu rious with the fact that she had to go back to Best B u y to get her data, but in h i n dsight s h e was relieved; if she wa s n 't forced to go back, she wou l d n 't have known that they forgot to re i n st a l l her d rivers a n d she would n 't have gotten them fixed (these a re the sort of ration a l i zations one ma kes w h i l e i n a n S&M relatio n s h i p ) . As they a l l sta rted to work on h e r com puter once more, Britta ny introduced herself to the jovial new Geek. H is n a m e was Joe. At this point, Alex had to leave so Joe took over from there. W h i le they both worked on h e r com puter, Britta ny fi lled h i m i n o n the w h o le story. He thought it was sad, but h i larious. Brittany had to agree. I mean after a l l was said and done, she had to la u g h about it. It was rea l l y the only th i n g that would keep h e r sane. So they had a few good la ug h s d u ri n g the course of the fi n a l two hours that s h e s pe nt at Best Buy gett i n g her co m puter fixed . While he was working on her co m p uter, the phone started to ri n g . But someth ing out of the ord i n a ry h a p pe n e d . Joe picked it u p. "This i s n 't norma l," s h e thought. "The Geeks a re s u pposed to w a l k a ro u n d a i m lessly w h ile the p h o n e is ri n g i n g off the hook. They should acknowledge t h e fact that the phone i s ri n g i n g , a n d the n ignore it. What is h e doing? He's doing it a l l w ro n g . He's breaking the Best Buy Custo m e r Service Code of Ethics ! " But h e d id it. He answered the phone. So not o n ly was h e fix i n g h e r problem, but h e was sti l l a ble to answer the phone a n d h e l p oth e r customers - without ta k i n g time or effo rt away from Brittany. How in the world d i d he end up at Best Buy? Joe, the Godsend, q u ickly became h e r favorite. About five m i n utes late r the phone rang a g a i n . With h i s h a nds fu l l th is time, Joe cal led over for Bon to a n swer it. Bon p i cked u p the 248

S&M With Best Buy by Brittany Gandolfo

phone, m u m bled someth i n g , a n d then put the guy o n hold . A few m i n utes late r the phone rang back to h i m , i nd icating that the g u y was sti l l on hold. Bon opened the l i n e , a n d then without a second thoug ht, disco n nected h i m . Brittany was shocked. Did that rea lly j u st happen? How cou ld he do that? And i n fro n t of a custo m e r? ! ? Britta ny defi n itely let h i m have i t and she d i d n't hold back at a l l . S i n ce that very same th i n g had h a ppened to h e r severa l times, s h e felt for the u n known m a n on the oth e r e n d of the l i n e . Bon obviously d i d n 't care about how h is actions affected Brittany. He wal ked away, w h ich i n itia l ly a n g e re d her fu rther, but then Britta ny realized that s h e co u l d n 't control t h i s situation a n d it wasn't her p ro b le m; so she chose to forget a bout Bon a n d calm down. Soon after, a man wal ked behind the cou nter - a n other new face; one s h e was certa i n she had never seen before. After she read his n a m etag, she d i scovered that h i s n a m e was Bri a n . But she noticed somet h i n g else was written o n his na metag - j ust below h i s n a m e was the word, MANAGER. H e was t h e o n e ; the infa m ous manager that they had so stealth i ly h id from her. Final ly, fu l l circle. H e looked at Britta ny, cocked his head a n d said, "Yo u 're here a lot. Why i s that?" How pathetic. Does everyone there reco g n ize her now? Both Geeks that were helping h e r i m m e d iately tried to expla i n the story in a n atte m pt to save their ass at the s a m e time. But Brittany interrupted a n d sta rted from the beg i n n i n g . S h e wanted to take advantage of having the m a n ager rig h t there i n front of her. After a l l , she wasn't s u re w h e n s h e wou ld have the opportu n ity aga i n . Brian was taken a back to say the least a n d a pologized on behalf of h i s S q u a d . A little late for a pologies, but d u ly noted . Then it h a p pened . Her comp uter was fixed . She never thought sh e'd see the day. S h e a l m ost d i d n 't know what to do. Could she trust that it was actu a l l y fixed? O r w i l l s h e find h e rself back i n the same spot one week later? O n l y time w i l l te l l . But for now, s h e w i l l enjoy the present a n d block out the past. This task of living i n constant d e n i a l can o n ly truly be accom p l is h ed by someone that has been i n a n S&M relatio n s h i p . And as we a l l know, Brittany has ple nty of first h a n d experience i n that department. As s h e walked away, she thought a bout a l l that they had been thro u g h i n the past six and a half weeks. A ltho ug h they had been dating for a good eight years, the past month a n d a h a lf had been very sign ificant to her. S h e cou l d n 't h e l p but reco unt a l l that she experienced o n this e m oti o n a l ro llercoaster. S h e was a l ittle sad, but relieved to put t h is whole m ess be h i n d her. Besides, she knew it wasn't the e n d of t h e i r relati ons h i p ; she'd be back. Britta ny tu rned a ro u n d a n d sho uted to the Geek Squad, "I hope I never see you a g a i n . . . i n a good way." And then s h e was gone.

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WINNER

# of Votes

Pi sse d

5 1 °/o {84)

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( 1 2)

M y com ments: Th is is one of my favorite stories to te l l to the you nger brothers of some of my friends who are j u st now g raduating, try i n g to fi n d their way clear from the muck and the m i re hea ped u pon them by the public education syste m . It's a l m ost l i ke school is des i g n ed to suck every ounce of self respect out of its students, which is why this was o n e of the most form ita ble events of my entire life. It ra n ks rig ht u p there with the time d u ring footba l l ca m p that the other players p ut N a i r i n my h a i r, o r the t i m e they threw my "after g a m e " clothes into the toilet. A h , the ha lcyon days of extracurricular s ports. How I long to return to those days a n d SLAP MYSELF U PS I D E TH E H EA D for wasting so m u ch time with those j a rheads. I d i d enjoy wrest l i n g , thou g h .

Reader comments : "You d i d the rig h t th i n g . Accepta ble reve nge only goes so fa r. Th is was u n acce pta ble."

-Lady_Stardust "Stude nts can be so d a m n e d evil."

-Shaggy_Shaggs

Pissed

Pissed

I b u rst thro u g h the dou ble doors that led to the athletic a n nex, stricken with pa n ic over w h at I'd j u st seen - two of my fe llow footba l l tea m m e m bers fu lly dressed out a n d ready for practice. " B ut . . . It's Monday!" I yelled to them as I passed them, to which they both rep l ied with a s i m ple sh rug of their shoulder pads. I was h a u l i n g at a n e a r sprint w h e n I collided with Matt Ta u rus, who had j u st e m e rged fron1 the tape room with fresh ly-braced a n kles and a right wrist w ra p that made h i m loo k l i ke h a lf a M uay Th a i kickboxer i n g rid i ro n a rmor. "Yo," Matt said as we both picked ourselves u p off the floor. "You should probably save that energy for the field . . ." " Matt! M a n , I'm so sorry," I said, yanking u p on the shoulder stra p of my book bag and d ragging the black canvas J a n s port satchel be h i n d m e as I cont i n u e d down the hal lway. I turned a bruptly and s l a m m e d my shoulder into the locker room door, s w i n g i n g it inward with such force that it nearly cracked o u r kicker Peyto n 's h e l m et i n two as it whacked h i m i n the facemask. " S h it ! Peyton," I s a i d as I watched h i m fly backwards across the roo m . " D u d e . . . I'm sorry ! I'm so sorry ! " I d ro p ped my bag and ran to pick h i m u p . "You . . . You okay?" "Yea h," h e said with a g roa n . "I'm a l ri g ht . . ." " H e h ," I heard Matt say from behi nd m e as he entered the roo m . "Just l i ke a kicker. . . A lways fa l l i n g down at the s l ig htest bit of contact . . . " I cou l d n 't h e l p but la u g h . "Fuck you both," Peyton said as he stood u p and brushed h i m self off. "At least I d i d MY job o n Saturday. . . " Both Matt and I lost o u r g r i n s . Low blow. "Yeah, well. . . I g u ess Saturday's the reason we 're d ressing out today i n stead of reviewing the g a m e fi l m , h u h?" I asked the two of my only t h ree friends o n the tea m . "Yea h," Matt responded as he fl i pped open the black door to h i s locker, which was situated rig h t next to m i n e . "Yo u 'd know that if you'd stuck around after the g a m e i nstead of fly i n g out of here l i ke a bat out of h e l l to go out with that g i rl. . . What's h e r n a m e . . ." It m a d e m e cringe to even t h i n k a bout h e r n a m e , m uch less say it a l o u d . Fortu nately ( a n d by "fortu nately," I mean " I hate God for constantly putt i n g m e i n these oh-so sere n d i pitous situati o ns), Peyton 251

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answered for m e . " Kasey C l i n e ! " h e a n n o u nced loudly and with a g i a nt s h it-eating g r i n . "Yea h , Kasey ! " Matt repeated, g ra bbing for h is helmet. "Isn't s h e the a n o rexic ch ick who modeled for that S p i e l berg cata log?" " S h e's b u l i m ic," I corrected h im , reac h i n g without looking for the pad lock on the h a n d l e of my locker. "And it1S not S p i e l berg, it's . . . U h . . . It's Spiegel. . ." How stra nge . . . M y lock wa s n 't w h e re it should be. " Hey, g u ys . . . " I said, confused . "Why's my lock h a n g i n g from the a i r vent?" I tu rned to fi n d Peyton looking at Matt, w h o was look i n g back at Peyton . With a noticeable lack of a n a nswer, o u r kicker m a rched to the door. Matt began to fa l l in l i n e b e hi nd h i m , but I stopped h i m with the s h o uting of his n a m e . " Matt ! " "What?" h e said a bruptly. "What's the deal with my lock?" " I d u n no," h e sa id with a sta m m e r, " B ut you've got a bout two m i n utes to be on the field before you have to run extra laps, so you'd better h u st l e .u And with that, it was m e versus the clock, a lone i n the locker room, i n a fra ntic race a g ai nst t i m e . I got d ressed out as fast as I cou l d , cutting corners wherever poss i b l e . I donned my sti n ky shoulder pads over the t-s h i rt I'd worn to school that day, know ing that this s h i rt was a bout to meet its u ltim ate dem ise (because, as a n y southern footba l l mom can tell you, red Georgia clay s i m ply w i l l NOT come out of clothes, a n d this was the m id d l e of Octo ber, meaning what little g rass was sti ll on the field was dead and gone, leaving noth i n g but h u n ks of q u a rtz a n d red m u d to sca m pe r on and i n ) . I left the t h i g h a n d knee pads out of my soiled a n d smelly practice pa nts. I even skipped putting on the jock strap, opti ng instead to wear my boxers out j u st to shave off those precious few seconds. But regardless of my efficiency a n d expeditiousness, I tota lly lost my race agai nst the clock, g ra bbing my h e l m et a n d sprinting out of the locker room fo u r m i n utes past starting t i m e . But hey, it's not a bout who wins o r loses, it's how you play the g a m e , rig ht? H A ! Yea h , rig ht. Te ll that to my coaches . . . They were on my ass before I even reached the 50-yard-long sta i rway lea d i n g to the fi e l d . Bellowing in the d i stance, I could hear my n a m e being scre a m ed by o u r defensive coord i nator a n d leader of a l l things condition i n g ­ related. I could see h is a rm twirling in the a i r, s i g n a l i n g that I not even bother j o i n i ng the last of the warm - u p stretch exercises a n d i m m ed iately beg i n doing l a ps a ro u n d the practice fie l d . I threw my s m e lly hel met on, faste ned the sti nky c h i n strap, a n d began circl i n g the fie l d . ''Hey coach, how ma ny?" I asked as I passed Coach G ri m ley. 252

Pissed

"Don't even bother co u n t i n g ," h e yel led . "You're ru n n i n g u ntil I get tired of ru n n i n g you ! I'm so pissed off at you, I co u l d spit n a i l s ! " The entire team seemed to chuckle i n u n ison . I can't say I b l a m ed the m ; I've had my s h a re of l a u g h s at the expense of late team members before. The te a m broke from their stretches and h uddled u p where o u r head coach, Coach Tea l , stood, i n the center of the field . I co ntinued c h u g g i n g arou n d the field, atte m pting to listen i n as the coach spoke a n d only partially succe e d i n g . As I ra n , I cou l d n 't h e l p catc h i n g a few u p w i n d d rafts wh ich carried on them the scent of my horribly sti n ky practice gear. M a n , I was i n s u c h a h u rry to leave every n ig ht last week to talk o n the phone with Kasey . . . I really shoulda ta ken this stuff home a n d washed it. God, it reeks! But hey, it s h o u l d n 't be a big d e a l ; there a re g uys o n this tea m who haven't washed their s h it s i nce the season starte d ! But sti l l . . . My stuff rea llyM y mental monologue was cut s h o rt by the s h ri l l tweet of Coach Tea l 's wh istle, followed by a loud bellow i n g of the word "PEACOC K ! " I stopped m idway across the end zo n e and looked toward the m i d d l e of the field to fi n d h i m waving h i s h a n d toward the h u ddle, beckoning m e to come forth . As I trotted their way, I hea rd h i m bark someth ing or a nother a bout having to call me over more than once. "I swear to God, son," Coach Grim ley took over, "If you d i d n 't need the practice so d a m n bad, I'd be content to run you u n t i l Jesus Ch rist came back to recla im h is th ro n e ! " "Ta ke a knee, Peacock," Coach Tea l bade m e , "You need to hear t h i s too." I lowered myself to one k nee, pa nting sl ightly from my little cardia workout w h i l e the coach ta l ked to us. " Now, gentlemen," he co nti n u ed from the previous session w h ich I had m issed, "We've got two weeks left on this seaso n . We are t h ree a n d five right now, p l u n g i n g head -first into the first ever los i n g season i n this progra m 's six year h i story ! " He pau sed a n d took a deep breath, hold i n g it for a few seconds. H e a l ways d i d t h is right before he"I W I LL NOT TOLERATE THIS," he barked. "You sen iors . . . Yo u s h o u l d be a bsolutely LIVID rig h t now. Yours w i l l be the legacy of the first eve r losing tea m of Mount Zion H i g h Schoo l ! " H e tu rned to look m e i n the eye. "And leaving the tea m without uttering a s i n g l e word after losing a g a m e 54 to 1 2 , I have to say, has got to be one of the most d is g racefu l and d isg usting thi ng s I've ever seen out of a m e m be r of t h is tea m ." I felt about s i x inches h i g h . " S o n ," the head coach said, " I j u st hope s h e was worth it." The boys i n the h u d d l e a l l ch uckled at the senti me nt, completely (a n d 253

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THANKFULLY) u n aware of the events of that i l l -fated eve n i n g . "Alright, now, let's put the past behind us," Coach Tea l cont i n u e d . "Th i s team is a bout progression; it's about getting better. So let's go forward a n d get bette r ! " He blew his wh istle i n two short bu rsts a n d com man ded "To y o u r g ro u ps ! " We a l l stood u p from taking a knee a n d sla pped o u r t h i g h s twice, then clapped as we yelled "Bu lldogs ! " loudly a n d pridefully. And with that, we took off ru n n i ng to o u r individual position-related skill d ri l l s . "God d a m n , Peacock," I heard from be h i n d m e . I tu rned my head i n my hel met to see Gary G n u m a n , one of o u r defe n sive tackles, ru n u p bes ide me. "You rea l l y got the coach pissed ." The other g uys a ro u n d us a l l g i g g led a l ittle, sharing i n a little of the g rou p-oriented ba nter that tea m m ates a re so well k n own for. "Yeah, m a n ," I h e a rd Bark (AKA Ph i l l i p Housemanew ieser. . . With a n a m e like that, would n 't you rather be cal led ' B a rk?') say, "It really st i n ks, what you d i d ." Again, the comme nted was g reeted by jeers and gigg les by my tea m mates. We a l l arrived at the back corner of the fie l d , the d a i ly meeting spot of a l l the l i n e backers and defensive l i n e m e n . Coach Grim ley i m m ed iately blew h i s wh istle a n d sho uted one horri ble, d readed word : " H IT-ITS ! " We a l l g roa n ed as we filed into a three-row l i n e and beg a n jog g i n g o u r feet i n place. Each time h e blew the w h istle, w e fl u n g o u rselves to the g ro u n d and bounced o u r chests aga inst the d i rt, flying back u p j u st as q u ickly. The e ntire time h e put us t h ro u g h this agonizing h e l l , he angrily chewed u s out for m issing o u r assig n m e nts, for not covering the m i d d le of the fie l d , for not wra p p i n g o u r arms completely a ro u n d the men we were tackl ing . . . Basica l ly, we d i d EVERYTHING wrong Sat u rday night and Coach Grim ley fe lt personally e m ba rrassed by o u r pathetic play. "Alright," h e said, blowing a long loud note from h i s wh istle, " Let's get to work. B u l l i n the ring ! Peacoc k ! " "Yeah, coach?" I ye lled . "You're i n the m iddle, so n ! " h e a n n o u nced. My fellow hard ­ h itting tea mmates fo rmed a circle a n d invited me i nto the center of it. "A lrig ht, get goi n g ! Shock a n d Loc k ! " h e yelled, blowing the w h i stle in a shrill co m ma n d for u s to get g o i n g . I p u l led my mouth piece from the gap i n my facemask a n d began to put it i nto my mouth . A m u rm u r ri ppled a ro u n d the ring a n d a few chuckles began pouring o ut of the guys sta n d i n g i n front of me. Why are they la u g h i n g ? I know they're pissed at m e . . . I bet t h ey're pla n n i n g to a l l p i le on m e ! FUCK ... I was fu lly expect i n g the worst as I placed the salty h u n k of rubber between my teet h . But w h e n the wh istle blew, o n ly Matt Ta u rus, the first m a n i n the circle, ran toward m e . I returned the favor, 254

Pissed

a n d w h e n we col l i d ed , I slammed my palms into the chest a rea of h i s shou lder pads a n d locked my arms out, holding h i m i n place. I then began chopping my feet and looking s id e to side, ready to toss Matt aside a n d tackle the invisible ru n n i n g back that was n 't actu a l ly ru n n i n g toward m e . Coach blew h i s w h i stle again a n d w e both reset. Okay, that was weird . . . Noth i n g crazy ha ppened ... So w h y were they l a u g h i n g at me? Coach blew h is wh istle a g a i n , s i g n a l i n g the d r i l l to repeat with the next ma n . And again with the next. A n d each time h e d id , another m a n i n the circle ran at m e a n d we performed o u r little tackle da nce. Each t i m e , I fu lly ex pected to be piled on or hit from behind o r something ridiculous l i ke that, but n ot h i n g rea l l y h a p pened. I n fact, practice was pretty norm a l a l l the way u p u ntil the water break . . . We l l , except for the fact that a l l of the coaches beat the l iving s h it out of u s for losing so bad l y. But that was to be expected, I g u ess, and outside of that, the o n l y thing odd or stra nge ta king place was the consta nt l a u g h i n g a n d wh ispering a n d m u rm u ring from my tea m mates, a ppa rently d i rected toward m e . I p retty m u ch c h a l ke d it u p to a stupid ru mor or d u m b i nside joke that was c i rculating at my expense re lating to my leav i n g without talking to the team - wh ich is w h e n it dawned on me what was probably going o n . " Hey, Matt," I said a s I ran a long side h i m to the water tro u g h . "What the hell is going o n ? " "What do you mea n ," h e said, looking stra ig ht a he a d . "W hy's everyone l a u g h i n g at me, m a n ? " I said with g rave concern . "What's with a l l the w h ispering?" " D u n no what you 're ta l k i n g a bout," h e a n swered, a g a i n without loo king i n my d i rectio n . " B u l l s h it," I re plied flatly. We a rrived at the water spigots a n d I pu lle d off my helmet i n p re pa ration for a n ice, refreshi ng d ri n k of tepid hose water. As I p u l led the red protective headgear off, a larg e waft of pungent fumes fl ew i n to my nostri l s . I nea rly gagged, lamenting my laziness toward washing my gear over the past week. Matt s m e l led it was well a n d coug hed through his mouth piece. " H e h ," I ch uckled, "Sorry a bout that ... I need to wash my gea r." "Yeah, that'd probably be a wise th i n g to do," h e re p li ed. l a u g hed some more, trying to speed past the e m barrassment I fe lt over my stinky eq u i p m ent. "So what's u p?" I a s ked after we both had our first g u lps of water. "What a re you h id i n g ? " I

"Look . . . J ust . . . I can't tell yo u , okay?" he a nswered, then started walking away from m e . " N o ! " I yelled a s I lea ped toward h i m . "You can't d o that . . . Not 255

Mentally Incontinent

to m e . Now tell m e wh at's going o n ! " "I. . ." h e m uttered, sti l l not loo k i n g at m e . "Is it . . . Did someone fi n d out a bout what ha ppened?" I asked i n a h u shed tone w h i l e looking rig ht at h i m . He raised h i s eyes toward m i n e . " W hat d o you m e a n , 'What ha ppened'? With w hat?" he a s ked c u riously. "You know ... " I suggested . H e shook h is head. " W ith . . . With Kasey," I cont i n u e d . "Saturday n ig ht." "What?" he asked . "That you left before the senior speech to the players?" " No, you idiot, I know they're mad a bout that," I stated. "I'm ta lking a bout . . . You know ..." He j ust shook h i s head and looked d u m bfou n d e d . "With the . . . The blowjob thing . . ." "What? ! ? " h e yelled, ca using a few of the players sitting o n the bench n e a rest us to t u rn and look o u r way. I m medi ately, those who looked at u s got u p a n d beg a n ru n n i n g away from o u r locatio n . "S h h h ! " I dema nded . " No way, I'm not g o i n g to 'S h h h ! "' h e re p l i e d . "What are you ta I king a bo u t? ! ? " Sh it. Wel l , I j u st blew my cover o n this one. "Noth i n g ! Look, I swear I'll tell you later," I promised i n a n effort to get t h i n g s back on track. " B u t if it's not that, then what the fuck is everyone l a u g h i n g at m e for?" He shook h i s head. " Look, we're frie n d s , right?" h e q u eried. "Yeah, of cou rse," I a n swered . "And you know that I'd never d o a n ything a g a i n st you . . ." h e put his h a n d on my shoulder pad. "You d o k n ow that, rig ht?" he asked . " U h . . . S u re . . ." I re p l i e d . "You're, u h . . . K i n d a sca ring m e here ." J u st then, Coach Tea l blew the w h istle, s i g n a l i n g the e n d of o u r bre a k . Matt qu ickly don ned h is helmet and said, "If I were yo u , I'd run some water i n that t h i n g ," h e said, eyeing the hat I h e ld i n my h ands. I looked at h i m , confused. " W hy? I know it st i n ks and a l l , but . . .', "LADIES ! " Coach G ri m l ey ye lled, u nq uestionably refe rring to Matt a n d I . "On the field ! N O W ! " "Yess i r," we both yel led a s w e began ru n n i ng toward the fi e l d . I began to slide my h e l m et over my ears a n d noticed half the team watc h i n g m e do so. It was beg i n n i ng to become a pparent that

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somet h i n g , somewhere , was awry ( D U H ) . a rrived at the post-break tea m huddl e j ust i n time to overhear a few w h i s pers asking if I "caught o n yet" o r if I "had a n y c l u e ." Fru strated , I sla pped the shoulder pads of one of the fresh m a n players extre m e l y h a rd and I yan ked h i m back toward me. A s l i g ht yelp escaped h is l ips as I looked into his eyes from a bove. I

"What's going o n , Tyco?" I g rowled to the incredibly d i m i n utive rece 1ve r. •

" I . . . I d on 't . . .

II

" B u l l s h it," I w h ispere d . " I want to know what's h a p pe n i n g , a n d I want to know B E FORE we beg i n cover d ri l l s . . . Or your ass is toast w h e n it's time for m e to cover yo u ." ''Peacoc k ! " Coach Tea l yel led . I looked u p at h i m to fi n d the disappointing look on h is face. " Q u it ra p i n g the fre s h m a n and pay attentio n ! " The tea m ch uckled as I tilted my head down a n d s h ot my eyes open wide at the poor kid I was clutc h i n g . I then pushed h i m u pright a n d watched as his l i m p head shook into place. "So rry, coach," I sa i d . He g ru m bled, and then went a bout the busi ness of expla i n i n g what plays we would be d ri l l i n g t h i s week a n d how we were going to prepare for the u pcoming game a g a i n st Jones boro H i g h . W h i l e h e spoke, I kept my breath i n g loud and a n g ry for Tyco Ha rrison to hear. He was a l most completely s h a ke n out of h i s cleats by the time o u r coach blew the wh istle to beg i n coverage d ri l ls between the starting defensive backs a n d the second-string receiver l i n e . "So, what's it going to be?" I asked Tyco as we ran to take o u r places for o u r d ri l l s . "I. . . I can't . . ." h e sta m mered . I g rit my teeth. "FUCK ! " I yelled loud ly, k n o w i n g there was no way I could actually co m e thro u g h on a physical t h reat a g ai nst a kid that size. Tyco ra n a s fast as h e co uld a h ead of me, scared out of h i s m i n d a n d unaware that I'd n ever actua lly h u rt h i m . "What's the matter, Peacock?" Coach Gr iml ey asked . "You pisse d ? " The other g u ys n e a r u s cackled. And it wasn't j u st from m y getting chewed out. "Coach ," I said, "Somet h i n g 's g o i n g o n here and yea h , I'm pissed ! " Again, my tea m m ates hawed a n d g u ffawed . " Pissed off. . . O r pissed o n ? " h e asked with a crooked s m i l e . This brought a ra ucous reaction from my team mates. I

cou l d n 't reply, because I cou l d n 't q u ite fig u re out what the h e l l 257

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he was saying . . . But w h atever it was, it was clear that h e knew a LOT more than he was letting o n . H e placed the wh istle between his l i ps a n d blew t h ro u g h h is s m i l e , s i g n a l i ng us to take our pos itions. I put my mouth piece i n my mouth a n d g rowled very a n g rily, showing everyone who was watc h i n g that I was mad as h e l l a n d I wasn't going to take this a ny m o re . They, however, dou bled over i n l a u g hter i n res ponse to this d isplay of raw a g g ressio n . It d i d n't rea lly register to m e the first time, because mo uth pieces a lways taste fu nny. . . But this second time it defin itely d i d n 't taste right. And that's w h e n it fi n a l ly h it m e . I i m med iately s pat my mouth piece out and u n b uckled my c h i n stra p, y a n k i n g my hel met off of my head i n a determ i ned fl ash . I placed my nose i nto the helmet that was now hot from my body heat a n d took a deep d rag, s m e l l i n g a vile a n d disgusting odor. It d id n 't register ea rl i e r w h e n I s m e l le d it because . . . We l l . . . Everyth i n g involv i n g footba l l smells bad . But once it h it me, it was a l l I could smell i n a n d amon gst a l l the sweat a n d m u d that had been caked i n side of the foa m pa dding of my hel met. Someone had pissed i n my g e a r. "Alright, who the fuck d i d it," I yelled as I looked u p to find the guys on my tea m dou bled over i n l a u g hter, broken u p by the theatrics of my recent d i scovery. Natura l ly, no one s poke u p . "I'm fu cking seri o u s ! " I barke d . " I want to know w h o the h e l l d i d this rig h t now ! " Not a s i n g l e n a m e was a n nounced . Not a si ngl e h a n d went u p. Not a s i ng l e m a n stopped l a u g h i n g . Carefully, I took notice of who i n the crowd was n 't l a u g h i n g . Most of the coaches, save Coach G ri m l ey, stood oblivious to the situatio n . Matt, Peyton and To ny, my only three friends on the tea m , stood with their heads h u ng i n s h a m e . I knew i m med iately that, no matter what the fa llout from this wou ld be, there was no way I could get mad at them - they were beholden to the loyalty of the tea m , a n d I try as I m i g ht, I co u ld never really e xpect them to break that u n s poken oath. Everyone else, however, was fa i r g a m e . "You're on the footba l l fie l d , Peacock!" Coach Grim ley barked with a n evil g ri n . "Put that hat back o n ! " stared rig ht at h i m , know i n g that he knew a bout th is situation long before t h is moment. "No," I said sternly. I

Grim ley m a rched u p to m e l i ke h e was G u n n e ry Sergeant Hartma n from Full Metal Jacket, who, it beca me apparent to m e over the course of the past four years, was th is m a n 's role mode l . " W hat is you r p roblem, Peacock?" h e yel led . "You want more la ps?" "I want to know who pissed i n my hel met," I d e m a n ded, not removing my eyes from h is . 258

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" I d u n no what you 're ta l k i n g a bout," h e l ied, " B u t you 're a bout to earn yourself a one-way ticket to h e l l ! " "You know wh at?" I sna pped, not even barely a w a re that the words were com i n g out of my mouth as I said t h e m . My m i n d went on autopilot a n d I heard what fo l lowed as if it was s poken into a tin can five thousand light yea rs away. "You can take t h is helmet and you can shove it right u p your ass." was s n o rting fire at that mom ent, so overta ken by my a n g e r that someone wou ld d o someth i n g so utterly disgusting to me that a l l my years of being tra i ned to fear a n d respect a n d honor a n d obey my coaches at a l l costs j u st flew right out the window. I

"What the h e l l d i d you j u st say to m e ? ! ? " he yelled, pressing h is nose i nto my face. "Woahwoahwoa h ! " I heard the u n m ista kable voice of o u r head coach, who apparently j u st beca m e aware of the a ltercation ta king place near the 50 yard l i ne, cry from my left. " Back off, back off! Come on n ow ! " He threw h i s arm between o u r stomachs a n d slid his s h o u lder between us, forcing us a pa rt. " Now j u st what the h e l l is going on here ? ! ?" He looked right at m e . "Peacock! What the hell are you do i ng ? ! ?" "Coach, someone pissed i n my helmet!" I explained, the a n g e r evide n t i n my voice. "What?" h e replied with a sneer. " I d o n 't believe that . . . " " H e re, s m e l l for yourself! " I rep l i e d . He took my h e l met from m e and sniffed s l ig htly, then w i nced a n d turned h i s head . "Well. . . That certa i n l y does stink," he so astutely observed. "Go wash it out a n d get back here o n the dou ble." "What ! ? ! " I said as h e h a n ded m e my pissy helmet. "Wash it out? Aren't you going to even a s k who d i d it?" "We can worry a bout that after practice," he replied i n a l l senousness. •

"What . . . W h at the FUCK? ! ? " I said, completely out of my m i nd with a nger. "Com pose yourself, Peacock ! " he a n swere d . "We have two weeks left i n th is season. We need to concentrate o n what's i m porta nt here . We ca n handle t h is after practice or after the season. Right now, you n ee d to suck it u p a n d put yo u r tea m first!" As h e said that, my legs exploded a n d b l u e fl a m es shot out of my cleats, rocketing me off of the g ro u n d a n d into the sky w h e re I bu rst i nto a m i llion tiny little spa rks. At least, that's what ha ppened i n my field of vision. It took eve ry ou nce of restra int I had i n my body

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not to s l a m h i m over the head with my hel met at that very mom ent. I co u l d n 't believe it . . . Someone had j u st co m m itted what the law considers assa u lt a n d battery with PEE, a n d my coach - the m a n whom I had pledged the past four years of m y l ife to - d id n 't co nsi der this to b e as i m portant as salva g i n g h i s pitiful footba l l seaso n . Put my tea m first . . . Right. Respect the tea m that had j ust pissed into my h e l m et a n d then refused to tell m e who d i d it. It was a ppa rent that h e knew a n y sort of offi cial investigation into t h is matter would result i n the loss of at least one player, probably a senior a n d a starter- a n d h e co uld n't afford that loss. What he did n't k n ow a n d probably cou l d n 't even fathom is that NOT checking into it was a bout to cost h i m the exact s a m e t h i n g . M y m i n d was flooded with thoug hts a bout the co nseque nces of the actions I knew I was a bout to ta ke. It was as if I'd a l ready done the deed a n d knew what was com i n g for me - a n d that was 1 0 0 °/o fi ne by m e . I began t h i n k i n g of stares i n the h a l l way a n d the ri bbing I'd be getting for the rest of the school year as I d ropped my hel met to the g ro u n d with a reso u n d i n g t h u d . "What . . . W h at the hell?" Coach Tea l asked . Images of my father and the look of utter d isappointment he'd have w h e n I told h i m a bout my day at practice flashed into my m i nd as I reached u nderneath my practice j e rsey a n d u n buc kled the stra ps of my shoulder pads. "Peacoc k ! " the head coach barked as I lifted my pads over my head a n d tossed them to the g ro u n d beside m e . "You ... You put those back o n ! Right now, m iste r!" I looked h im i n the eyes as I reached for the s i m ple loop strap of the belt wh ich h eld my practice pants a round my waist and pul led it loose. W h i le co nsidering the i m pact this move would have o n a l l of the fu ture opportunities for playing in college and rea l izing j u st how m uch I rea l ly hated the s port of footba l l , I s l i d my pants down and pul led them over each leg, bri n g i n g the cleated shoe tied a ro u n d each foot off with t h e m . I tossed the pants and cleats i n the pile of spent clothing a n d pads sitting next to m e and, wearing o n ly a tee s h i rt, my boxers a n d a scowl, I t u rned a n d beg a n marc h i n g my sock-covered feet toward the sta i rs to the locker roo m . "Get back here, Peacock!" Coach Grim ley yelled as h e ran past me a n d atte m pted to block my path . " Move, Coach," I stated. " Like H E LL I w i l l ! " h e re plied . "You get you r ass back o n that field a n d get dresse d ! Practice i s n 't ove r ! " "It is for me," I a nswered, cont i n u i n g past h im , leaving h i m sta n d i n g o n the la n d i n g of the stairs with h i s jaw wide ope n . 260

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I held my h ead h i g h as I marched across the parki n g lot fu l l of footb a l l parents, a l l of w hom were scratching their heads and wondering j ust what the hell was going o n . "Hey, Peacock," I h e a rd Mars h a l l's daddy (which, as far as I know, is h i s actu a l legal n a m e ) ye l l from the w i n d ow of h i s car. I looked at h i m and waved . "What . . . W h atcha d o i n ' i n your u n d erwear?" " I j u st q u it," I a n swered, a n d walke d o n i n to the locker roo m . I d i a led i n the co m b i nation to my locker with a cold and mech a n ical effi cie ncy I'd never really experienced before. I felt n u m b; I fe lt l i ke it was n 't actua l ly m e who was going thro u g h t h i s . I co uld n 't believe what I'd j ust d o n e . . . I'd j u st c u rsed out a n d d i s res pected not o n l y the coaches, but the e ntire tea m as well. Not only that, I'd w a l ked across a parking lot fu l l of parents i n a p a i r of boxers, the fl a p i n the front of w h ich certa i n ly had to have flown open at least once to reveal more than any of them rea l l y barga i n ed to see. And t h e n , there was my father. . . Mister "never q u it a nyth i n g , n o excuses." It was a safe bet that I wou l d n 't be getting to bed a nyti me before m i d n ig ht that n i g ht, a n d defi n itely not before I'd been read the riot act a n d a l l but forced to rej o i n the tea m . As my lock s n a p ped o p e n , so too d i d the fi nal l i n k to this entire experience. M y lock . . . The o n l y o n e who knew the com b i n ation was Matt. I co u l d n 't bea r to t h i n k that one of the few people I respected o n that team would betray m e that way. . . " Hey," I heard from my right. It was Matt. I looked h a rd at h i m . ''Yo u opened my lock," I re plied. His mo uth h u ng open a n d h is hands w e n t u p . " N o ... I swear," he rep l i e d . "You rea l ly d id leave it hooked i n the a i r vent w h e n you l eft Saturday." I cou l d n 't b reak my stare from h i m . More i m portant ly, he d i d n't break h is from m e . " We l l ," I sa i d with a s i g h , accepting that h e cou l d n 't be lying to me, "Sti l l . . . You sho ul d have told me." "You know I cou l d n 't d o that," h e a nswered . "Then te l l m e now," I d e m a nded . "Who d i d it?" I asked that very same q u estion a bout twenty times before it was a l l over. Each a n d every t i m e , the a n swer was the s a m e : " I d o n 't know." "Whatever," I fi n a l l y stated, s l i d i n g my pants over my legs. " I 'm outta here a n yway." "Don't do th is," h e begged. " Do n 't q u it." "Why the h e l l not? ! ? " I cried, sto p p i n g w h at I was d o i n g and 261

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turn i n g to face h i m . "There was PEE i n my hel met, Matt." "You gotta let that go," h e said with a s h ru g . "You can't j u st q u it this tea m . We n eed yo u ." "Yea h," I scoffe d . "You need m e . Yo u need m e so m uch, you'd put urine i n my e q u i pment." "Yes, we need you," he re p l ied . "You know a l l the plays by heart a n d you 're a hell of a player." " Don't butter me u p, Matt," I d e m a nded, faste n i n g the buttons on the fly of my S O l 's . "You know as we l l as I d o that you j u st d o n 't want Wood at center and J e n kins at li nebacker." And trust me, folks . . . Those k i d s s u cked at foot ba l l . The o n ly position e it h e r of them were q u a lified for was Left Out. ''Look, you k n ow we can't w i n the next two games without you . . . We can't affo rd to lose ANY starters ! We need o u r best g uys out there . . . We ca n 't d o it without yo u ." "You're g o i n g to have to try," I a nswere d . g ra bbed my bookbag a n d began w a l k i n g o ut the door. Matt situated h i m self between myself a n d the exit a n d stated p l a i n ly, "You know, this is you r fault." I

"WHAT ! ? ! " I yel led . "My fault? How do you get that someone putting their pee in my helmet is MY fa u lt?" "You left us, m a n ! " h e answered . "You skipped out o n us after the biggest loss i n o u r school's h istory ! " "What? S k i p ped out on you . . ." I sa id as I h i ked the shoulder stra p of my bag over my a rm . " I d i d n 't s k i p out o n anyone . . . "

"Yeah, whatever," Matt said. "Play d u m b if you want. You took off without saying a fucking word on Saturday. . . Those g uys needed you , m a n ! They needed a l l the sen iors to bring them u p and get them out of the d u m p s ! How do you th i n k it looks to the underclassmen to have a S e n io r - a leader on t h is team - leave them w h e n they need h i m most? ! ?" "No idea," I replied, " B ut no matter how bad that precedent is, piss i n g i n someone's hel met as revenge is even lower. Now if you'll excuse me . . . II

He stopped m e as I tried to push past h i m . " W hat, a re you i n a h u rry to leave before you have to face everyone? You r dad won't even be here for another twenty m i n utes." "I'm w a l k i n g home,', I a nswered g r i m ly. "I'll ca ll my dad from the pay phone. Now move out of my way." " Fine," he s a i d , h i s h a n d o n the h a n d l e of the exit door. " But th i n k a bout t h i s : We have two games left for the seaso n . We're a lso 262

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two ga mes u nd e r . 5 0 0 ," he rem i nded me, referri n g to the fact that, if we lose either of the next two g a m es, we'd be the first Mount Zion Footba l l tea m i n the six year h istory of the school to fi n i s h a season with a losing record. As sen iors, it was i m perative that we d i d n't a l low this to h a p p e n . It would be o u r legacy, a sca r on the face of the class of 1 9 9 5 . "We have a cha nce to save t h i s season ! " I sighed heavi ly, atte m pting to convey a severe d is i nterest. It appare ntly worked. " ... And it seems l i ke you don't g ive a sh it," he stated i n response. "So you know what? You deserve what you got." "What?! ? " " I know w h y you play ball, m a n . I k n ow it's a l l a bout your dad a n d m a k i n g h i m ha ppy. And if you cared more, you co u ld rea lly be somet h i n g . . . You have schools loo k i n g at you . You co uld be playing co llege ball if you want to, a n d hey - If you d o n 't , that's your ca l l . Good luck i n the Air Force, o r being a h i story teacher, or whatever it is you want to do i n l i fe . Go a h ead a n d leave." He waved me off a n d opened the door, signa l i n g to me to j u st a s he suggested. "Wow, m a n ," I said, walking past h i m , " W hat a g reat frie n d you are . . . W h at the h e l l has gotten i nto you?" "Yo u ! " h e excla i m e d . I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face h i m as he co ntinued. "You don't g ive a s h it, ma n ! Not a bout t h is team . . . Not about footba l l . . . Not a bout me o r a nyone else at a l l ! This isn't your future, so you d o n 't care, and you know w h at? I'm FINE with that. But it IS m i ne ." He bit h i s l i p, waiting for a response. I d i d n 't g ive one, so h e cont i n u e d . "Th is is a l l I w a n t to d o with my l ife, okay? Footba l l is my future, m a n . Th is is what I d o . . . This is A LL I ever want to d o with my life. We've both got recruiters looking at us, a n d I know you don't g ive a s h it, but I DO." "Matt . . ." " S h ut u p for a seco n d ! " he sna ppe d . "We're a bo u t to have the first losing season i n o u r school's h istory ! We can w i n the next two ga mes a n d save the d a m n season, but you gotta play!" "Like it even MATTERS," I rep l i e d . " W i n or lose, you 've got your scho lars h ip, Matt. You know that." He looked at m e as if I'd j ust h e l d a shotg u n to a p u p py a n d red uced the poor mongre l to a few bloody c h u n ks right i n front of h i m . I t h i n k it was at that mo m ent that we realized j u st exactly what each other was try i n g to say. Both of us had o u r honor on the l i n e - Matt a n d h i s u n denta b le devotion to the sport he loved and the school h e played for, and m e to the s udden a n d s u rprising a rrival of my self 263

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respect . . . And n e ither of us was a bout to w i l l i n g l y sacrifice h i s for the other. Without a word , h e t u rned a ro u n d a n d trotted out the door to return to the fie l d of battle. I t u rned o n my heel a n d began walking down the h a llway of my future, leaving behind everyt h i n g I'd thought I knew a n d loved a bout my life a n d beg i n n i n g the very long and lonely w a l k home. The rest of my n ig h t went exactly how I described it wo u l d . My father gave m e h e l l a bout being a quitter, a bout walking away from scho lars h ips and my future . . . All that stuff. The o n ly re p l ies I co u ld g ive h i m were "Yes s i r, I u n dersta nd" and " N o s i r, I'm not playing anym ore." Eventu a lly, he wore h i mself out a n d we both went to sleep. The next morn i n g , j ust before leav i n g , my Dad woke m e u p a n d dema nded I ta l k to the coach a n d rej oin the tea m . I cou l d n 't reply to h i m , beca use I d id n 't want to lie to the man and I cou l d n 't fi n d it with i n m e to fi ght with h i m a g a i n that early i n the morn i n g . Coach Tea l ca lled m e out of homeroom to meet i n his offi ce a n d for nea rly a n h o u r, h e went on and on a bout how h e would g o the d istance a n d fig u re out who d i d what a n d w h e n . He even brought u p the recruiters who were scouting me for college ball and how, if I q u it now, I co u l d kiss that stuff goodbye. So w h e n he a s ked if I wou ld rej o i n the team, I asked a s i m p le q u estion : " D i d Coach Grim ley a d m it h e knew?" His re p l y : "I can't a n swer that." That's a l l I needed to hear. I stood u p a n d I walked out, a n d that was the last t h i n g I'd ever heard from o r said to Coach Tea l . Consequently, that was the a bsolute end of the road for my footba l l career. W h i l e I was scouted earlier i n the year by several colleges to potentia l ly come a n d play for them, I was n 't the caliber of player who co uld com m a n d any terms h e wa nted and really needed my coach's assistance. And of course, you can i m a g i n e how that would have went . . . " Hey coach, I know I q u it the tea m a n d , even though you lost the last two ga mes of the season, is there a ny way I co uld ta l k you into h e l p i n g m e get a scholars h ip?" Right. And yea h , the gossip i n the h a l lways was tou g h to h a n d l e . I'd a l ready e n d u red the s l i n g s a n d a rrows tossed my way concern i n g the Amanda Peters situation, a n d a l l this d i d was add fuel to the fire (and tha n k GOD M i ke knows how to keep a secret ... I can't i m a g i n e wh at'd h a p pe n if they knew a bout the Kasey Cline t h i n g ) . Rumors s p read ra n g i n g from people hea ri n g I had p u n ched Coach G ri m l ey to others hearing the entire team held m e down i n the showers a n d peed o n m e . But it d id n 't matter. I knew the truth. And more i m portantly, I fi g u re d out one of the most i m portant lessons I'd ever had to learn i n 264

Pissed

my life - sometimes, w h at other people t h i n k you should d o s i m ply does n 't matter. Sometimes you sta n d agai nst the entire world i n the face of g reat adversity s i m ply for the sa ke of yo u r self respect.

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I C a n 't Th i n k Of A Title

You know what? I've never been d r u n k . I mean, I do have a beer now a n d a g a i n , but I've never actu­ a l l y been d ru n k . I know people tend to t h i n k I'm joking when I say that, but it's tru e . In fact, I 'decided' to have my first beer when I was 2 3 . It was on my first ever trip to Germany to v i s it the places w h e re A n d rea g rew u p ( s h e was a n Army brat) . It wasn't what you would ca l l a 'decision' so much as it was 'self defe n se'. We were i n M u n ich at a n open air resta u rant, a n d i n M u n ich ( a n d most of southern Germa n y ) , if a table holds six people a n d you only have two i n your pa rty, g uess what? ! ? You get to meet new a n d exciting German people over d i n n e r ! In my case, it was a pack of insanely la rg e Bavarian men w h o, u pon fi n d i n g out that I was a n A m e rica n, a l l sla pped m e on the s h o u l ­ der a n d a n n o u nced to the entire popu lation of the resta u ra nt that I was their " New Yankee Fri e n d ! " They then bou g ht m e a g iga ntic ste i n fu l l of the local We issbie r. Now, I don't care how ha rdcore p u n ke r stra i g ht-edge you t h i n k you a re . You could be Ian McKaye with three 'X's' painted o n each h a n d a n d it still would n 't matter -- When a seven foot Bavarian shows h i s frie n d s h i p by buying you a ste i n of bier, you oblig e h i m . It's ru d e not to ( a n d FAR more haza rdous to you r hea lth than you t h i n k that beer m ig ht be) . But even t ho u g h I haven't ever been d r u n k , I HAVE been h ig h . Once. W h e n I was twelve . I used to be rea lly into b u i l d i n g models. Airplan es, race cars, robots - you n a m e it, a n d if Ertl m a d e it, I probably had 4 variants of it sitting on my d isplay she lf. There was someth i n g extremely soot h i n g a bout s n a p p i n g off all of the little pieces from the plastic fra m e that held them, then s a n d i n g them down a n d prepping the edges for as­ sem bly. S u re, occa sion a l ly, I'd push a little too h a rd a n d break the pas­ senger-side door for B i l l Elliot's Dod g e , but a little s a n d i n g and pol ish­ i n g , m ixed with the precision a p p l ication of model cement, and you'd never know the d ifference. And that was really my forte - the DETAILS. I was meti culous i n my prec ision, a pplying model cement with a stra i g h t pin so as to put o n ly the exact a m o u n t needed (because over- g l u i n g ma kes sand­ ing and prim ing a PAI N . Model cement actua l ly chem ically melts the plastic, a n d if it spills over the sides on a n outer face, it ca n completely devastate the fi n a l product ) . I re m e m be r throw i n g a fit and nea rly 267

Mentally Incontinent

s m a s h i n g the Ricky Rudd # 2 6 Quaker State car I was working on w h e n I ran out of model cement, know i n g that the u n even d istribution of g l ue d u ri n g the fra me - b u i l d i n g stage was going to affect t h e rigid ity, s i nce a l l the cross-fra me conn ection j o i nts w o u l d n 't be molded at the same t i m e . I j ust K N EW it was g o i n g to g o lop-sided because it was m issing the ro l l ba r j o i nts ! And g iven that it was also a bout 2 : 3 0 AM w h e n I reached this u nfo rtunate point, I k n ew that my father would probably respectfu lly decline my request to be ta ken to the store for more ce m e nt right before he smashed m e into a m i l lion tiny sl ivers for w a ki ng h i m u p so ea rly. So, I d i d what any frustrated, insomn iatic, com p u lsive twelve­ year-old w o u ld d o : I went i nto my dad's workshop and stole h is i n d u s ­ trial ad hesive. The very first thing I noticed a bout t h is stuff (ca l led Zap-A-Gap) was that it STU N K . Really, really bad. The fu mes were so powerful I co uld smell them t h ro u g h the p i n hole i n the a ppl icator nozzle - which was cut WAY too big for preci sion - g l u i n g my models, leav i n g me n o cho ice but to u n screw the nozzle a n d leave it aside so I could d i p my st ra ig ht p i n d i rectly i n to the g l u e (w h ich was l i q u i d . . . I don't th i n k I'd ever seen a non-gel model ce ment before that). But after o n e a p plica­ tio n , I knew im mediately that this was THE stuff for me. No m uss, n o fuss - t h e second I touched the plastic joi nts toget her, they fused. It was AW ESO M E . It was a lso m a k i n g m e really, rea lly sleepy. I was getting close to fi n i s h i n g the fra me, a n d o n ce I'd reached a point w h e re I felt the structural integrity wou ldn't suffer if I stopped, I yawned a n d decided to lay my head down for a l ittle w h i l e . . . You know, w h i l e the g l u e d ried . I'd be u p i n a n hour or so to fi n is h the e n ­ g i n e , a n d since that new g l u e d ried so q u ickly, I co u l d PROBABLY m a ke it to the point w h e re everyth i n g could be seated a n d sealed for pai nt­ ing i n the morn i n g ! A l l I needed was a little n a p . So, I set my Spider­ man clock radio to g o off i n a n h o u r and laid my head o n the desk. Even though I was sleeping, all I co u l d s m e l l was the g l u e . . . God, it s m elled so stu pid ! It doesn't even know math ! From WAY off i n the distance, I hea rd some sort of ri n g i n g . It sounded l i ke a telephone that would n't stop s i n g i n g the National Anth e m . I wasn't q u ite s u re w h y it was s i n g i n g i n that shade of p u rple, e ither - everyone knows that the accord ion is the proper instru m e ntation for the Volkswagen , a n d to try s i n g i n g i n that color was j u st RUDE (or as my mother said, "The height of the Tru man A d m i n ist ration " ) . I was o n the verge of screa m i n g at it to change its flavor, but the sa n d w ich I'd j u st made was beg i n n i n g to melt. I knew I cou l d n 't take much more of this, tho u g h , so I sla pped John Travolta across the mouth a n d o ra ng e i s the word of the day. W hat's that? My n a m e ? H u h ?

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"JOE ! " I o n ly somewhat heard my dad ye l l . It came out sound­ in g more l i ke a chant from a Tibetan monk, but somehow, I figu red out he was c h a nting at m e . "God d a m m it, Joe, wake u p ! " " H u n h h h h?" I said thro u g h a large b u bble of s p it that had formed o n m y l i ps. "Why the H ELL is your a larm going off at 4 : 3 0 i n the godd a m n morning?" H e barke d . " H u n h h h h . . ." I re plied . I felt more spittle ooze from m y g a p i n g mouth . "Answer m e ! " H e d e m a n d ed as h e m a rched over to w h e re I Ia i d . " H u n h h h h , h u n n h h u n h h h h ," I s a i d . I noticed that my l i ps were not touc h i n g one a noth e r, even w h e n I tried to make them do so. H e p i cked u p m y a la rm clock a n d switched it off. " W h at the h e l l is wrong with you?" He asked . " Look u p at m e w h e n I'm ta lking to you ! " " H u n h h h ," I said i n response, a n d attem pted to lift m y head to look at h i m . My head would n't go w h e re I was asking it to go. "JOE !" H e yelled. " Look u p at me this i n stant!" I tried a g a i n . And a g a i n . M y head went nowhere . "What the . . . " I heard my dad m utter as h e watched my des­ perate attempts to look in h i s d i rection . He reached h is g iga ntic h a n d down a n d placed it u n d e r m y head a n d attem pted to lift it u p . My s k u l l ra ised only sl ightly before the s k i n of m y cheek a n d my h a i r stopped the ascension, reporti ng to m y bra i n that, whatever it was my dad was d o i n g , it h u rt . A LOT. " M u h h h . . . M U H H H H H ! " I said, my l i ps frozen i n place to the side of the desk. " O h , for chriss a k e ! " My dad stated. I tried to fo llow his h a n d to w h e re it went, but co u l d n 't see it as it passed o u t of m y field of v i ­ s i o n . I d i d , however, hear the d istinct sound of someth i n g plastic being peeled off of somet h i ng wood e n . " O h , m a n . . . This is going to be a tough one." " W U h h h ? " I a s ked . My dad began to wa l k out of the room . "Son, I'll be RIGHT back . . . D o n 't, u h h . . . Move . . . " H e sa id as h e exited, a s l i g ht chuckle es­ caping h i s l i ps as h e said the last part. I cou l d n 't q u ite fi g u re out what the h e l l was going o n . I tried once more to lift m y head from the desk, but cou l d n 't m a ke it move. I placed my pa lms on the top of the desk a n d p u s hed down with them, atten1 pt i n g to fi n d a bit of leverage. 269

Mentally Incontinent

No g o . . . But it s u re d id h u rt . I beg a n to panic as the rea l ization of what ha ppened s u n k i n . " M u h h h h h h ! M U H H H H H H H H H H H H ! " I yel ped as I felt a ro u n d the desk, noting the d iffe rence between the norm a l ly smooth and polished ve­ neer of my desk and the d i stinctly tacky a rea i n the i m med iate vicin ity of my head. Apparently, d u ri n g my l ittle nap, I somehow knocked the opened bottle of Zap-A-Gap ove r on my desk, w h e re the fa st-drying l i q u i d poured across the s u rface and u n d e r my face, g l u i n g it very fi rm ly to the varnished s u rface of my desk/work table. My dad ret u rned with some sort of solvent i n h is hands a n d a chortle i n h i s throat. H e co uld n't stop l a u g h i n g as he gently a pplied the g l u e de-sticker cra p to the intersection fo rmed by my face a n d the desk. I co u ld n 't te l l h i m to s h ut u p, beca use the left side of my mo uth was g l u e d , g a p i n g wide o p e n , to the desk, m a ki n g the 's' and the 'p' im poss i ble to fo rm. The entire time, h e kept telling m e how g lad h e was that he could h e l p m e out of that "sticky situation" a n d how fa m i l y s h o u l d a lways "stick together." A n d j u st w h e n I thought he'd run o u t of g l ue puns, h e d e m a n ded that I " a d h e re " to h is rules o n using his Za p­ A-Gap o n ly w h e n he was a ro u n d . O h , so fu n ny. The next day, my head pounded i n a way I've never felt, before or s i n ce . A l l of the g l u e I'd ina dvertently h u ffed formed itself i nto the s h a pe of a gooey little badger i n my head, one that I had somehow pissed off a n d was getting it's retri bution by chewing my bra i n a part. I co u ld n 't even t h i n k stra ight, w h i ch made fi n i s h i n g u p the Q u a ke r State ca r q u ite the tas k i n deed. More than once, the a rea w h e re my face had been g l ued to the ta ble would itch u n controllab ly, forcing m e to scratch it. The second my fi ngern a i l touched the s k i n , a blazing pain would shoot t h ro u g h my pores a n d piss that badger off eve n more. After several i ncidents, I beca m e so frustrated that I made Ricky Rudd's ca r turn i nto Davy A l l i s o n 's h e l icopter as it lau nched across the room a n d crashed into the wa l l . G l u i n g my face to the desk, i n advertently getting h i g h , havi ng Kafka d reams, and smashing my model cars i n a g l ue-ha ngover- i n ­ d u ced fre nzy. . . That's my Anti-Dru g .

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A S m a l l V i cto ry

Reader Comments : "This would be a g reat last cha pter: you started out with a victory a g a i nst somet h i n g people hate (Wa i * M a rt), then had a b u nch of stories a bout you losi ng, i n various ways, and now you have a victory agai nst something else peo ple hate." -

R u n n i n g Foo l _

" I second what was said a bove a bout this being the last cha pter, a n d e n d i n g on a victory." -

Sh a ggy Sh a ggs _

"'A S m a l l Victory' s h o u ld be c h a pter 1 3 and the end of the book. "

-Krylex

Mentally Incontinent

A S m a l l Vi ctory I heard this one com i n g from a m i l e away. Litera l ly. It was Wednesday, w h ich means it was "Sprint Day" - The day I w i l l i n g ly s u bject myself to w h a t has got to be the worst torture ever devised by the contributing ed itors at Bicycling Magazine. I m a g i n e th i s : A fu lly cog n izant a n d aware a d u lt w i l l i n g l y p u s h i n g a bicycle as fast as it w i l l go u p a half m i l e h i l l with a ten percent g rade, t u rn i n g a ro u n d and resting for a few m i n utes as h e cruises down it, then turn i n g left and doing it a g a i n a long the ro l l i n g h i l l s of a 1 . 5 m i l e stretch of two-lane road lead i n g u p to the n e i g h borhood Wa i-Mart. Now, i m a g i n e that same a d u lt deciding - by h i s own free w i l l - to do that five times i n a row. It's insane, isn't it? H e l l , it's that p l u s reta rded, stu pid, a s i n i n e a n d rid iculous. W h i c h , of cou rse, explains why I d o t h i s once a week at 6 AM, s i n ce I a m a l l of these t h i ngs com bined . Anyway, the past two Wednesdays had b rought t h e i r s h a re of s uffering a n d p a i n , as well as disappo i ntment, since I had to slow down pa rtway t h ro u g h the fou rth and fifth sprint of each series. Today, however, I felt as if I had w i n g s (th a n ks , Red B u l l ) . I was flying thro u g h my series with strength a n d resolve. S u re , it h u rt - j ust l i ke it a l ways d i d - but for some reason, I was a ble to fi n d a way through the pain t h is time a n d push myself to k n oc k out those last two sprints, both u p the short a n d the long course. I was really very proud of myself a n d took the time to celebrate with a few sq u i rts from my water bottle as I g e ntly rolled back toward my neigh borhood along what we've affectionately d u bbed "The Road To H e l l " - partly beca use of the workout, but mostly because it leads to a n d from Wa i-Mart. And that's when I hea rd it. From j u st a bout 5,280 feet away. It sounded l i ke the prop-driven e n g i n e from the world 's stupidest airplane desig n . Or, perha ps even a d e ra nged M u ppet screa m i n g into a kazoo. It's really hard to describe the sou n d itse lf, other t h a n to say it sounds l i ke someone wasted good money on a m uffle r that - I don't care what t h ose retarded tuner kids say - was designed specifically to a n noy people. It was a rice car, a n d it was headed toward m e from be h i n d . Now, ca rs pass m e from behind a l l the time w h e n I'm out on my bike. Norma l ly, they w i l l g ive some g a p and pass well to the left of m e , g i v i n g me ple nty of room to rem a i n safely o n the roa d . Sometimes, you get those je rkoffs who don't u n d e rsta n d that bicycles are cons idered veh icles, a n d they m a ke s u re t hat you know how 272

A Small Victory

d i s pleased they are that you 're cost i n g them precious seconds as they atte m pt to deliver their redneck you n g l i n g s to " K id - E-Land" dayca re by pass i n g you too close a n d eve n h o n k i n g at you. You grow used to this, beca use it ha ppens j u st a bout once every s i n g l e day, and after a while, you even learn to l a u g h at it. But for some reason, there a l ways seems to be some sort of added excitement when a rice car passes. It could be that "Too Fast, Too Furious," I-wish -I-Was-V i n - Diesel attitude they a l l have, or perhaps it's s i m ply their age ( w h ich tends to be on the you n g side, as adu lts have far better t h i ngs to spend their time and money on besides colored lig hts u n der the car and tricked out license plate hold ers . . I mea n , real ly. W h y the h e l l d o people trick out a license plate? What the H ELL p u rpose does this serve? Does it somehow add downforce? I n crease horsepower? Decrease d rag? The re's got to be SOME reasonable explanation why a veh icle owner would spend good money to cut a d iagonal license plate holder into the back of their ca r. For c h ristssake, there a re starving people i n Botswa n a , a n d these n i m rods a re spend i n g good money o n tricking o u t a LIC E N S E PLATE. Can someo n e PLEASE expla i n to me why these freakshows do t h is ? I ' l l give you a free t-s h i rt if you ca n ) . .

Whatever the reason, w h e n ever I can detect the scra p i n g of a n u n d e rcarriage o n a ridge i n the road o r the sound of o n e of those kazoo m ufflers, I k n ow that something fu n is a bout to happen. The last time, it was a bottle t h rown from a passenger side window. The time before, lots of sweari ng, pointing, l a u g h i n g a n d h o n k i n g by the g h ostly-white yet very u rban-fl avored youth inside. So, I was s m i l i n g to myself, wondering what sort of fu n I co uld expect so early i n the morning by this product of test-tu be reprod uction experi m e ntation with the "complete and tota l fuck u p " g e n o m e . The buzzing got closer a n d closer a n d the t h u m pi n g bass of whatever crappy sam pler CD h e got with his stereo system was h itti n g h a rd e r a n d harder as h e a p proached. I brought my w h eels over to the wh ite l i n e o n the rig ht-hand s ide of the roa d , atte m pting to g ive his lawn mow . . . e r, I m e a n , car, e no ug h room to pass m e safely. But it d i d n 't . It j u st h u n g b e h i n d me, fol lowing me for at least 1 0 0 yards. I was just beg i n n i n g to wonder why h e wasn't passing me when I heard his e n g i n e rev and h is horn beg i n to blare . I waved my l eft h a n d fo rward, i nd icating to h i m that h e s h o u l d go a h ead a n d pass; that I w o u ld n 't bite if he got too close. H e answered this with a n oth e r sa lvo from h is g ru nting horn, i nd icating, I s u p pose, that he d i d n 't fee l h e should have to even worry with passing me - that I should n't be on the road i n fro nt of h i m . Aga i n, I waved . Ag a i n , h e hon ke d . F i n a l ly, I sighed as I b ro u g ht my w h eels off the road a n d into the g u tter. The fa m i l i a r rush of w i n d acco m pa n ied a car's overta king on the left, a n d I looked j u st i n time to see the d rive r of the 273

Mentally Incontinent

w h ite Honda Civic with a rea r-mounted w i n g that proba bly should have had a n AirTra n logo reach h i s arm out and fl i p m e off. He conti n u ed laying on the horn as h e sped a h ead of me, prov i n g w h atever point it was he was try i n g to m a ke . I began l a u g h i ng to myse lf, a m used that h e took such pride i n showing m e wh at's what, w h e n I saw h i s right b l i n ker beg i n to fl a s h . H e was o n ly a bout 5 0 yards a head of me, preparing to turn onto the half- m i l e u p h i l l road that provides access to the h i g h school, m iddle schoo l , a n d footba l l sta d i u m . MY roa d . Someth i n g lit u p inside m e t h e n . That son of a bitch . . He can 't go up M Y road! He h a d n 't been out a l l morning d o i n g i nterval s p rints u p that roa d ! I could u n d e rstand being i m patient on THIS road, the one with the traffic . . . But I'd be d a m n ed if I was going to let some pu n k kid cut through on the road I'd s pe n t my morn ings beat i n g the hell out of myself on specifica lly because no one used it d u ri n g the s u m m e rs . I wasn't a bout to a l low some p u n k ass ricer to hon k at me, fl i p me off, and then d rive u p MY road to m a ke h i s getaway. Not without a fight. .

"Alright t h e n ," I said aloud as I b ro u g ht my tires back onto the asp ha lt, "You wa nt it? You got it." I beg a n p u m p i n g the cra n ka rms of my bike as hard as I co u ld in a n attempt to catch h i m . The fra me began to sway left a n d right as I stood u p i n the saddle a n d pushed it a ro u n d the corner. J u st as I ca m e off the turn, I saw that he'd a l ready made it to the second of the three closely- placed speed b u m ps at the beg i n n ing of the road , a bout 2 5 yards a h ead of m e . With a l l my m ig ht, I pedaled h a rd a n d lea n ­ steered my b i ke to the sidewa l k j u st to the right of the roa d . I had j u st h it the 2 0 m ph m a rk w h e n I passed h i m . I leaned back i n the saddle a n d looked over my left shoulder at h i m , s m i l i n g brig htly. " Moth e r Fucker!" I saw h i s l i ps say t h rough the front windscreen of the u n civ i l ized Civic. I faced forward a n d kept p u s h i n g my b i ke as I heard the e n g i n e of the rice mobile rev hard . He s q u ee l ed h i s tires a bit going over the 3 rd speed b u m p a n d , fastly a n d furious ly, floored it. It d i d n 't ta ke but a few seconds for h i m to close the g a p between u s . We were com i n g u p to the 4th a n d fi nal speed b u m p, situated a l most exactly ha lfway between the t h i rd speed b u m p a n d the stop l i n e at the end of the road . With my teeth g r i n d i n g and my h a nds wrapped so tight a ro u n d the h a n d lebars that I thought I m ig ht s n a p it in ha lf, I redoubled my efforts a n d began s l a m m i ng the pedals of my bi ke down and p u l l i n g them u p a g a i n as hard as I cou l d . He j ust began to pass m e as we h it the fourth speed b u m p . He slowed down to clear it a n d I fl ew a h ead, safe from the speed b u m p as I fl ew u p the sidewa l k . I looked at my cyclometer 2 2 m i les a n hour, on a 1 0 percent g rade h i l l . . . Holy cra p ! How the h e l l was I doing this? -

274

A Small Victory

I d i d n 't have m uch time to ponder that one as Vin Dickhead brought the rea r end of h i s ca r over the h u m p. Wh atever it was I was doing to make t h is h a ppen, I needed to do even more. The salty beads of sweat rolled down my fore head and into my eyes as I g n a rled my face and breathed forcefully t h rough my mouth . Fireworks were g o i n g off i n my b ra i n . My back was screa m i n g , begg ing to be released from the contracted h u nch I was now locked into. M y legs were o n fire a n d my l u ng s b u rned as n a pa l m rushed t h rough my veins. But somehow, I was st i l l g o i n g strong . . . Even stronger than I was before. I felt the car clos ing i n on my left h a n d side . . . Inching closer. . . Com i n g u p o n m e . . . NO.

A sore loser, y e l l i n g w i th my mouth s h ut, I gla nced i n h is d i rection . You wanted me on the sidewalk. . . Well, I'm here now, dude, and I'm going to make you regret it.

The fat w h i te band of the stop l i n e was now o n l y a few yards away. I saw the front b u m p e r of his ca r i n the periph ery of my vision, a n d it j u st made me g o hard e r. Just a few more feet. . . Almost there... NOW!

With a l l my st rength, I "threw" the b i ke i n front of me, shov i n g w ith my legs a n d a rm s to p u s h the b i ke out a few inches, j u st i n time to put the front wheel of my b i ke across the l i n e j u st a second before h i s front b u m pe r hit it. I'd done it. I'd beaten the ricer. We both slam med on o u r brakes, rol l i n g out just past the l i n e . Fortun ately, there is a bout a 2 0 foot g a p between the e n d of the road a n d the intersection, so h e stopped with plenty of room to spare . I , however, took a lot longer to stop. If it weren't for the fact that it was early and the roads were relatively clear, I'd have been utterly creamed if there had been a car or tru c k . I tu rned my b i ke around qu ickly a n d rolled j ust i n front of the H o n d a , took off my sweat­ streamed s u n g lasses, a n d looked the d river st ra ig ht i n the eye. After a second o r two, h e s m iled this toothy, gan gsta s m ile, then nodded toward me. H e q u ickly looked away and c h u ckled to h i m self, slapped the steering w heel, a n d retu rned h i s eyes my way, saying without words a very s i m ple "Good job." A sore w i n n e r. . . But I'll j ust keep my mouth shut. 275

Mentally Incontinent

I nodded a n d s m i l ed my own very w i d e s m i le , saying without words a very s i m ple "You're god d a m n rig h t it was." I rolled out of h is way a n d beg a n cruising down the h i l l slow ly, bracing myself u pright with locked el bows on the h a n d leba rs i n a n attempt to keep from d y i n g right t h e n a n d there . As soon as I heard the kazoo ca r t u rn and buzz off i n to the d istance, I rolled my b i ke over to the g rass and flopped off. Lay i n g flat on my back, I spread my arms out a nd gasped for a i r as the morning dew soaked into my j ersey a n d s horts and began exti n g u is h i n g the fla m es b u rn i n g me a l ive from the inside.

276

Thanks And Stuff

T h e S u pe r Dooper ''Tha n k Yo u '' Sect i o n

There are a LOT of people I'd l i ke to tha n k. These people have put u p with a l l sorts of crap from me, from m i d n ig ht story review requests to temper tantrums to requests for a ca n of soda without adding "Please" to it. They've i n s pired, helped, s u p ported a n d otherwise been there for m e w h e n I needed th e m . They 've promoted me on their website, m e ntioned m e i n a n a rticle, o r - i n one case been darn tasty (I'm t a l k i n g about the Wheat Th i n s , people . . . God . . . ) . So, fol ks listed below, I owe you a kidney if you ever need o n e : Andrea, M i ke Crawford, Mom & Dad, Jen & J o n , Kay l a , Liz Stricklen, B i l l Doty, S h a rky ( h ey, that's w h at h e goes by), M r. John Ha rgrave from Zug .com, Da n ie l ( Z ) , Brian Kee ne, Jeremy Ha lvorse n , M ichal Wa l lace of Cornerhost, Saralee Briley, Kelsey Marakara ka rawowowowkarow, Aaron B u rke, Liss Jenssen, J o h n Antra m , Matt Gal loway, Brittany Ga ndolfo, Jessie Rylett The P i n k Pirate, Aleks Hadden, Joseph Rhodes, Patty Chappell, Lori Casse l l , X-ecut ioners (the best by far), Doug Doug, Chad@ao l . com (you can't even scratch ! ) , We ndell Wa l ke r - God of The G u ita r (seriou sly, buy his a l b u m when h e releases it), Matt Baro n , Kev i n Finnegan, Kev i n Finnegan pa rt II, Jeremy Warren and Jeff G a rd n e r (without whom I'd have a lot less RA M ) , Andy Skywarek, J o h n Sta nier, I've got Battles i n my life, Nate H o ppe, Shawn " M r. Six" Ku pfer, J usti n "Tu rkey San dwich" Mooney h a m (owner of the copyright for "OMGINTERNET"), Mark a n d Brandy Whittington, can I crack a s m i l e for those dat slept?, Linda Daughtry, B i l l @ Apechild .com, Brent @ NoApologies Press.co1n, Everyo n e at PhoneLosers.org, Drew from Fark.com, Orbea Bicycles, Mark and the g a n g at Bicycles U n l i m ited i n Peachtree City, the fi n e people at Starbucks i n Fayettev i l le (tha n ks for serv i n g it to m e hot, da rk, and fu l l of caffe i n e ) , N e i l G a i m a n , H e n ry Rol l i n s , S q u i rrel @ WRMS, a n d the m a kers of Wheat Th i n s . A n d fi n a l ly, I'd l i ke to tha n k every one of t h e first 3 0 0 0 members who joi ned the site. Like I s a i d i n the i ntrod u ct i o n , w h e n I sta rted this t h i n g , I a ntici pated only about 1 0 0 m e m bers by the time the book ca m e out ( i f that) . The fact that you 're a l l here - a n d the fact that you actually keep visiting - i s somet h i n g I rea l ly owe my tha n ks for. So, i n a l p h a betical order, I'd l i ke to th a n k : 279

Mentally Incontinent

1 0 2 , 1cem4n, lstSGT, 2fingers, 4ntonio, S Sseddel, a lcnewto n , Aaron, Aaron43, a bcdefg, a be rfitc hy, a beyer, a bg 0a8, a bg irlie, a b h u s h , a b i , Abigailash ley, a bsol utfs u , ac08 57, ac3tic_acid, ace, acidjr, aco u s , acs6683, actmodern, adamj a mes34, a d a m n ldt, ada mtheawesome, Ad a nthebear, AdeptaCheese, ad idassal, aditi, AdorableDork, aeon ite, Aer, aeroworks, aeroworksxp, afire i nside, a g g i e , a g ru ndma, a i d a , Aire y 1 5 0 7 , a i s m a i l 3 , AJ, ajt, a k 2 paclypse, a kamoe, a k i rk, a k u m a izer, AlaskanPsycho, Alchohol icB utterfly, a leks, Alex, a lex25 52xela, alexa nder, Alexie22, a lexk, a l exz96, alison, All iXSenoS, a l l y8898, a l m i g htyk i n g bob, a lonelyso u n d , Alph a 1 1 1 8 , a l phadevil, AltRok247, a m a n d izzle, Amber- N icole, Am berRose, A m b ie ntTra n sient, Ameb, Amelia4545, a m iridis, a m s68, a n dca rne, a n d e rsonjoy, A n d rew, A n d ros, An dy, a n dy29, A n i m e Fa n , a n g e leyes, a n g ryrobots, a n nekat, a n n i e b u nny, a n n oy i ng me, A n q u a i nt, Ant, antelopelovefa n , a nth ony76, Antigon e Ris i n g , AntiNorm, Anti_Social, a n tma n , a ntoa 3 1 5 , ApathySix, Apharmd, a pollo88, a postol icpoe m , Aptronym ity, AquaApe , a q u a boy, Aq uaJew, AquaticRes, a ra s h i , a rch9angel, a rchaeoprof, a rch ivis, arch ivisl, a rchivis2, a rc h l a m b, arc h o n , arclite45, Arevos, AreWe Ha v i n g F u n Yet5, a rgeto, argon m a n , aria, A ri a d ne , a rithmatic, AroXZero, A rsenal_ 1 2 , Arsh, Arth u r, Arthu rDenture, Artine, Arya n n a , aschafer324, Ascheron, Ashanael, As her, A s h l e i g h , As hy, Assh atter, atm, Atom icMac, attar8 1 , a u d , AU Engi neer9 0 , A u re l i a n , ausdude, Au sWra ith, AvasMom , averageheadcase, Ave rtr, avery6 14, avsfa n 1 2 3 , Axe, Aza, Aza kias, aznangel78, Azri e l bane, A_Boondock_Sai nt, a_ m a g u m b a , A_M_P, A_P_M_TIG E R, B-go, B-Rad, b3n kay, ba by_ cakes78, BadBatsu Maru, ba i l n out, bake, baiOO n bOy, Balcaz, ball4, ba llzdeep, B a m b i P u p , bane, b a n i e l , ba n u a ba , ba p i n k 0 1 , Barb, bardic, BardicComp, BaronZemo, BartM a n , ba sehead, Basil, bawa n a a l , bba, bba d k i n , bboysteve, bea n n ie, bearclaw, beatific, beaversoc, beckles, Beebs, Beef, beefrocket, BeerNinja, beerork id, Beezlebob, B e h l e m , BeigeBoxer, Bella , belladawna, be l u na r, Belvari us, belvedere , ben, be n 8 3 red, bencoop, benj a m i nfra n kl i n , ben_the_odd, bergthorson, BestinShow, bfol 1 0 5 , B i b l iota ph, BiG birD, Big Bud 08, bigce rby, B i g Daddy, bigdaveok, bigforea rms, biggerthanjebus, BigG u n n , BigJohn007, bigjoh nsonO, bigsl ick07, bigsteviecool, b ig u n , BigWink, Big_D, big_daddy_yik, bikku, B i l labonggagaga, Bi llyona i re, bi llzeller, B i n g , bins2 1 3 0 , biragobee, B i rd lady, Bishop, bitch boy, Bittersweet, bkc, blackcatsmom, Blacklce, blackmag ic9 1 , BlackRa bbit, bla ck_ macleod, BladeOmega, b l a kejoha n n , Blame, b l a n k_page, B l a rg h u s , blatant, Blattner, bleeg s l , B l i n d M a n , B l i n k 1 82 ru l e 1 09, BLinX, B l kSwan Pres, Blogfi e n d , Bloodclot, Blue60, b l ue be rrybruises, bl uedog, bluefairy, BlueSu nCTO, Bl ue_M ean ie, bma nwgcc, bob, bob 1 2345, bo b7k, bobby, bobby d , bobcaygeon, bobd ole, Boili ng_Ice, bokchoy, bones, Bonfi re, BoobaFetish, Boobie, Book, boo k l l , Bookba n ke r, bookwyrm, boomajack, boon doc, boots, boozer, Borderl ine_Pretty, boredatworkgirlie, bothra, bounce, bovineaquari u m , bow ie, boxroot, 280

Thanks And Stuff

boylston, boynateg, bozino, brad, bradj 2 5 1 , bra n d i , Bra nd o n, B ra ndX, bratachd u b h , BraveMax, Breadfa n , brea ke r 1 , bregma, bret h a rt 1 9 8 1 , BrettRT, b revity, Bria n 1 2 5 0 , B ri a n 1 2 50 5 , bria n l i n h a rt, BriarHeartless, Brick, bring_back_k i n g , Britt, brn d m g , brocco l i_ma n , brokennewz, Brook3, brookeshine, brookit, brookmead, BrownV, browse rman, bru bert, brubert 1 , brutalgoose, Brya n , B ryta n ica 1 , bspa l d i n g , b u S h ido_ bOb, bu bba, B u d d h a , b u d ha boy, Buffy, bug b read, bugwi sr, bulladawoods3k, b u l ldawgjon ath a n , Bu lletproof, b u m b le_bee, b u n d e r, bupkis, b u racco, b u rdturd, bu rnedouteyes, b u rnedoutyes, b u rn i n h a lo, B u s h M a n , Busnerd, busonerd , Buspuppie, Buster, b u sty l l a m a , busyslacke n , butterba l l 1890, Buzz, buzzly, byrskov, cadillacjoe, cadokera , caj u n n a n , caleb, calex, ca l le , Call ieMo, call_me_n utless, Calvinlncarnate, ca m i ntmier, Ca mofromAustra l ia , camtris, Ca n daceM, Candi, Ca p n K irk, capnsue, Capta i n_Booty, Ca pta i n_S u permarket, Captia nJack, carbo n , ca rbontetra, CarebearsSpa rky, carla m a e be, Carm a n , CarneigeGia n t, carolyn, carrie, Casea d i l l a , cassa n d ra , cassie, casti lie, cat, catherine, catkisser, Catnip 7 3 1 , cat rat, Caustic, CavendishX, Cbass 182, cc144, cc7, CCericola , cdavisnyc, cece, ceedeedoos, Celestia, celinehagbard, centerdrive, Ceridwen, Cfire, Chad, chairm a n_mao, cha nson78, chaos 1 3 , Cha rles, C h a rlieBrown, Cheebus, Cheese monger, Cheese_Peddler, Cheezew h iz, chefq u e , chenier, Cherbear, cherrybomb, Chesh i reCat, Ch ickencha, ch ickshate m e 1 3 , chickyba by70, chind itz, chi pm lsp, c h i q l i s h us, ChocoMako, ChOpPeR, chowda, chris9 2 2 , ch risto n a b i ke , Ch ristop holus, ch ristrickle, ch ristyc, Chronos, C h rtrptnt, c h u i , chu leta, c h u m ley, C h u ri ppu, C i n , Cinematicmedia, C i n n a n , ciochol, CiscoJones, CJ, cj u n e n , C K B D 1 9 , ClamiAm, ClaudCar, Clave n , CLAYRR, clay_pony, clea ninthacatbox, Clens, Cl iffX Pro, c l i pper, Clockworx, closet_stropher, cmb0009, CMcK i n n o n , cme lton, c m p_3 , C M S N e u ro, cnuts2002, Cocon utHead Boy, coder2000, CodeRed, coderka n , codespace, cody, Coffee, coffe e 1 7 , Coke fiend, cokeplantking, Cold n ig ht, Cole, cole m a n , co l i n , CollegeBOy, Comatoast, Comatose, Combat_Wombat, ComesBackTe nfo l d , Compas itator, comp uteraddicted, Comradefork, co n a n d k , CoNce Pt8 1 , cooldude, Cooi_Kathie, countyj o h n , Cowboy, C P 1 1 0 5 , crackbatard, cracker, crashco l l is i o n S , CrazyCuervo , CrazyJ, crazylaka, crazy n a m ba , crazynat23, Crazyo l d M a n , CrazyPa intHorses, Crazy_Da n , cre8tivj o h n , creo, criddle44095, crisavec, Crisper, crone, cross phade, Cruz 18tq, Crystal is, Ct h u l h u_4_U, cu pidstu nt, c u riousboy, C u rsedBy27, cut_the_mu llet, Cya n i c B i u e , cyber, cybrca m pe r, Cynda n e , Cyn ica 1 G i rl68, Cy n i pe r, cyprss3, d Oriath, d 1v 1 d 38yz3r0, D3z4real, d 6 9 m , d a b, Da boo, dacoyote, Dacus h , Dage n h a m , DaGu, d a i kage, Da isy, d a i sy_deadpeta l, dak, d a n c h a rette, d a n d e l io n ess, Dangerous, d a n i i , d a n n i a ble, Da n n ySocks, DanTheCat, d a n trip2, da nyobry, da rboy, DarkChaos, DarkDiscord, da rkhorse40, d a rk i ntruder, da rkke, DarkKnig htRadick, da rkmoon, darkness_reaper, DarkParia h 9 3 2 , Da rkWaffle , d a r kwaters, darxyde, dashs pot-boy, Data D ro i d , datazone, 281

Mentally Incontinent

d a u g htry, Dave, daveb, Davelj, davet06, dave_2 56, Dav id 1 9 54, david2869, DavidAU M, davidj 1 1 78, DavidK, David Posti l l , dav is_ w i l l i a m s , davkaz3, davo 18, dawnstrike, dazylyn n , d bcOOper, d bfromcl, d boss, DC, dcebersole, ddysgrl4r, deadcatowner, deadking, dead kitty, deadsy, DeathrayDog, Deb, Debauchery, Decade, d ec i m a , DeflatorRat , DeJ, Deken frost, Del, Delarus, DeiGato, Delore a n 6 2 3 , delphie, delring, d e ma rs 1 4 5866, Demiq uaver, demon, demonshadow, Dentarth, denzo, d e rfsucks, Derickls, Desig nated_Lu rker, Destrucion_Overcl a use, desunt_caetera, Dev33, devi lfancy, devoatemyhamster, dfe n drma n , Dia bloNeoZero, d i a g nosis, d ickface, d i g italc, d i g ita l ut a h , d i ldon key, d i m roed, d i n g bat, d i n g e m i n i3 1 2 , D i n k, d i n ka l icious, Dio, D i ppy, d i rewolf, D i robtx, DiscJockey, Discon nect, d iscospa cefu nk, dis placed na rbist, d isplaced_n a rbist, Dixie, d izd 1 52 , d izkord, dj Ch ris P, dj i n n , DJJesus, dj marti n 5 1 1 , djnw, DJ ones, DJ_Mitte n s , d m a b ry, d m w inc2000, d m x m d , doa, dobb, Doc, Doc h i pojo, d o l p h i n , Dom, DOMAIN, Don, don 3 1 6, Donal, Donave n n , doncorleo ne, Dan ks, Donn ieDa rko, DontTh i n k, doomgu ppy, doorm a n444, Doozer, dote, d o u b l e 1 2 3 4 5 , doubled, Dou bleZerO O , Dou g - H , Downwood, Doy m a n , DQui ntessa, D ragen, D ra g o n , d ragoness, DragonTide, D ra i g h , d ra n k , draven, d raven 42, drave n4209, DRAX, D rca d i llac, d rcolossus, Dreamscape, d rem7 1 1 6, Drews m o m , DrFi ibble, DRFSRich, d rigz , drin kmoredew, DrMcAwesome, d rmoocow, Drog a n is , d rownedmagenta, Dru 1 7 1 , d ru g l ife, drum mer1 0 1 , D ru n ke n_Em path , d ru n kfrosty, D r_ Gee, DSiscokid, Dstar, DTa pia, dtm2, dtothek, Duces_Wild, d u c hess, d u c k, Ducky, D u d d les, d u nca n p, d u nfire, DVC D U n iverse, DWSisco, d w s m u stang, DYI, Dyla nJ, DzO m BeAsT, E, e a g le 3 5 1 , Earth Momma, ebass930, e bony, ebonya lta i r, Ed, edco n n , Eddiethe m a n , EDEd D N Ed DYFa N , Ed m u n d , EdQSJ, edwardadams, e d wi n, eeboweebo, e e n , eeyoredragon, Eggma n , e h ecatl, e h McGregor, eightba l l92 1 86, Eine_Kieine, Einziguri, Ej a n e , ejmcse, e ko l m u s , e la i n e , elbon, EICabra DeiCerveza, e ldon n , e l e mental, eleven, e l fO 1 3 , elfin 1846, Elfsto n e , eljay_543 2 1 , EIJ efeAZ, E l l e n , E l le_D, Ell iefont, E l l i ptica l, elmo 1 3 59 , E lof, e lsu, e lvisaintdead, el_gregorio, el_robert, eMacPa u l , Emerica, E m H Gee, E m i ly, e m ilym4, e m i nemfa n 9933, e m it, emmylou, EMOSu cks89 07, e n derwigg i n 1 3 , E n i g m a_Ma n, En lig hten Me, Ens Reg is, Entreri, e n tropy ! , entropysquared, enven, enviouslystu pid, e n Z , EnzoYug, Eobert, E pi l e pticX, EqD, Erad icator , Erebos, eric, Erich, Ermac, Erock, esca p i n gtruth , essemar, esw n r, eta6, eth a n_coy ne, e u das, E u n u cher, E u rO, euterpe 1 1 , eva n g e l i n e , eva n mack, eve_of_ deconstruction, Evil bazza , evild uck, Evi ISockPu ppet, evi lya rdg nome, evin_lee, Evirae, ewa n400, eyefl a re, fa ble22, Facken h e i m , fade, faded, fad e r, Fael, fa i lsafe, fa ll, fa mouschica23, fanny, farmgeek, fartmasterb, fastfi n g e , FatieMcGee, fatm i ke63 1 2 2 , Fatty McButterpants, fawkes786, fckyou, fecs m ith, feders, Fe i n d boy, feksa, Fe ldges, fe m a le , fe m m e_ fatale, Fe n ne r, Fera i S iayerA m a risse, ferm inj, ferret7, ferret88, fesk, Fetus, Fido, fi dodap uta, FiendAngelica l , Fig htlikeAngels, fi mion, Fi nch, 282

Thanks And Stuff

Fi n d i ngJo, Firebert, firecapscfd, fire p h oe n i x 1 9 7 , FireSpa S m , firestarter9 2 6 , firetamer360, firstborne, fi rst_citizen, fis h lord , fi shpondbu bble07, fishypoo, Fistar, fivestri nger, fixmeanot h e r, fledermaus23, fl icken, F l i p, floatinfool, flog, Flonase, fl uffy l l a m a , Flu oroa l i e n , Fluro, flyl, Fodder, Fog h a n , forrest, forrest32 1 , forrestscott, fossil, Fox FireX, Foxg love, Foxpaw, fra n ke h , fra n kt h e ra bit, frazzled loner , frea kazoid, Frea klas h e r, fred, fredex, fredtheprophet, freex, Fried, frogg ie, frog uy, Frosti I I icus87, Frosty24z, fruit bat, FruitCake, Fryma ster, fs8g be, fsa m a risse, Fuddrucke r, fuego, fu h rley, fu n boy79 0 1 6, fu n ky, F u n n y B u bba, furltech, furte rfra n ken, Fut u reV i l l a i n , fuzzy b u n s , G - ray, GAB, G a d reel, Ga FatBoy, G a le n , Ga nesa, g a n g l i a n , g a rg a m e l l , Garok, Garowen, g a s m a s h e r, g a s p u m p , gato38, gds, GeekGrrl, geekzi l l a , Gefa h rMaus, Gegger, GeneraiJa ckAss, Generic7 5 2 7 , genocide, george 1 2 3 , g e ra ldga lla nt, Gerbil, getus monster, Ghostbrace K i l l a h , g i blet, G i normous, G i rTheGecko, glads, G la u ru n g , g laze808, g l e n n ras, g l isseg uy, g l itch 1 3 , G LooM, g l u m bert, g m a n , g m m79, g m_86, G n o m e h u nter, GoBa n a n a , GoGoG igg les69, Goldie, Golgorn, g o m 0 626, gonzo4 1 , goober, goodkarma, gordonjcp, GordoThe G rater, gorgor, Gorthok, goth ici nferno, gotti, GOVslacker, g o_fi s h , g ra a i l le, g race, g ra d i s h a r, grady, g rae, G ra m m a , G ra n d M offVixen, gra nt, g ravensword, g raz, Gree n boy 1 2 3 u k, GreenGirrl, Gree n M achine, Greg, g regbowe, G reit, grem ice , Grendel, GREYD E N , Grey kitty, Grey M u rphyO 1 , Greywolf73, Griff, Grim boJones, G ri m g l u m , g ri n d bastard, GrindSoul, g roovy, Grover, Gru m m a n , grun dy, gsha m, gspz, GT, gtrguy4 1 2 , G u id e o n , g u it, g u itarist_m i ke, G u n c razy, G u n s l i n g e r, g u pp, g u rion, GusDorm a n , gutbust i n , G u y reino, Guziki, GxxP, GxxP2, h 1 p 1 n 3 , H 3 rp, h4 1ofo u rt 3 3 n , h a d u r, Hafg u itarist6767, H a g ba rd 2 3 , hag breath, Ha h_No_Way, h a i r, Ha lcyon, Ha lo, H a m achi, H a msterboi, h a m sterboy, H a n g E m H i , h a rdcore, h a rm healer, h a rm less, HASMETCa l , Hassler, Hata n a , hAtblaDe, hateveryo ne, Hatter, h a u ke h a i e n , hawkeye, H a x O ri ngWang, haXor, hayado i n , hay leecomet, Hazard , ha zzy, h bz, headdope, headsfromspace, Heather, Hecuba , HeidiMclurker, hel lcat, h e llonea rth, Hello_world, heng i st, H e n ry, H e rbert, H e reticorp, H e roDeird ra , heschi, Hevy, H G u it22, H i g h l y U n orthodox, H i g hQ ual ity 1 43, H i karu K u n , h itbys l i mfast, h m m , H obbess, h o bo, ho bojoj o, H obot, hockeylove, hodgson, Hogs84, H o ld -The-Pickle, ho lle nj e n n , H olly, HollyGrl, home lesshobbit, homelesshobbit9 1 9 , H o melessOne, homer , homers i m pso n 2 3 , homestarru n ne r, h o m icida i M a n iak, H o m n cruse, honey_p u m p k i n , Hoo ky, hooligans, hooloovoo, hot2trot_7 7 , hotd ud e i n black, hotrod 39, Hotshot, hoy, h u a h i n , h u be rt0 u 8 1 2 , h u m per, hyachts, hya l i n , hy brid p u n k , Hydra , hyoc h a n , hy pertee, i 244, iaisudg h i a s u d g h g , i a m beergod , i a m i , IBBI, i bfrogyo, IceScreamCone, idch i l d , id letools, ieatd irt, IEFBR14, igg iemon, ig nition, IHate Fra nee, i k ke d e n d i k ke, i l i a d , i l i keha rrypotter, i l lskematiks, ilves, imoen4ever, i m ru m pf, i n a bon, I n d i a n s u m m e r, I n e rtia, InfoPirate, i n iti u m , i n l e , 283

Mentally Incontinent

Inn ocentSta l ke r, ins p i re , inyerholewith a m e l lowro l l , ira, irishcarbomb, IrNuckin Futz, IronChefHeidi, iron head, Iron H e l ix , i rwalrus009, iSevenMedia, Isios, i s nogod, istewart, itsme, iturner5 1 5 0 , i u n s , iva n lo, ivoux, Ivy, izzinya, I_have_n o_friends, J, J - Rod, j O s h , j 1 md ot, J 2 0 0 0_ ca , Jack, jackieta nsk, Jacobpants, Jademinx, Jagged, j a h e i ra , j a h n boda h, J a i me_24, j a ka , J a ke, ja kfoood, J a m es, Ja mesBond, j a meseb369, j a m es pwest, j a mesr, j a n n e m a n , JaredPointe r, Jarg u m , Ja ric, j a rrottjose p h , jato, JatTDB, jawbone, j axtl_sweetmeat , jaxom929, Jay, jaybee444, jaycha n , jaymes, Jaytizzle, jayx2003x, J B, j b a r, JBAtlanta, jeS S , jcluvs m e n u , jdshe ltry, j e a n n i e m oo, j e b ri n klog, JebusCh ris, jedeyebrett, JediKGB, Jedi_Te m p l a r, Jeeo, jeeves4, jeff54 5 2 1 , j effg 3 1 6, jeffm inter, jeffreyboy2k4, jeisai, je kafoo, jems, J e n , j e n a m o u red, jendemon i u m , j e n i m i ndtrick, j e n n , J e n n ifer, Jen n i lala, jen n l eea u , J e n nocide 1 3 1 3 , J e n n y, jennydu byou, Jen ssey, j e n s w i rf, j e nyd, J e ppzer, Jeremy, jeska, Jesse, jessica247365, Jessica Hope, Jestermcn, jesus 1 2 3 5 6 , Jethro, Jezebe l l , jezibe l l e , jferg, j h a m bog, j igs, J i l l , J i m , j i m be a m cow boy, J i m Di nger, J i m my, j i m mybfan, J i n De s u , j i nj a 2 2 , J i nxx, JJ, JJRage, j lewis, j l hessle, j lodell, j m agee, j m ay, J m h 085, J M P, j ness, Jocko, Jod i , Joe, JoeBoever, JoeG, Joepritch2, Joesus, joey, joeycod 2 k 1 , Joeyelp, JoeyJoJoJ u n iorSha badoo, joe_jo, Joe_n ot_q u ite_so_peacock, j o h n , John ny, Joh n nySix, j o h n nywan go, joh n rfc28, johnson , j o h n y, jokeca m p, JoltColaOfEv i l , jon , jonaeskile, Jonas_Withabee, jonathan , Jones, j o n escrus h e � jonesy 5 5 , jookyhead, Jordy, josead� Josh04, jos h h e i d e m a n , J owy, j p b u rr, j pd p ilot182, j pf_fre a k , j p h i l i p d , j pysczy ns k i , J R, j r0 1 0 2 , J RATTLS N K , j rcolli ngs, J russell82, j rutley, j rw27288, jsbro u , jsfishjr, jtu rcotte 24, J ugga loD, j uj uwoi, J u les, j u lew re n , j u l i a n acla i re, j u l ie_d u rst, j u n k i d , J u ri s p, j ustanotherschmuc k, Justice, justi n 1 9 5 , j ustint i m e 143, Justme, jv9 1 7 7 , jylcat, k8, Kaa, Ka b u ki boy, Kaemaril, kaem pfer05, Kainy, k a i re n O O , Kairyu, Kaji, ka karot2 5 1 , ka l-el, kalemo, Ka m i kaze6 66K, ka m i kazi, Kami nosa i , ka ncer, kanthony, kaos m u n kee, Kara42 0 , Karada Dream, karaz u b a , kardiacc, Kare n , ka rlosfwb, Karnage, Kasuto, Kat, kata na, Kata n ma, Katchaa, katdaddy, Kate, Katerwa u l, Kathy, Katie, Katius, KatTheRed, kattracks 1 3 , kattt, Kawa m u ra , kaylara i n e , Kazaraxa, kb9tfz, kbgp, kc­ ol, kc7vwq, Kea l i ki, kedelfo r, Keel ie, kei, kej , keki03, kell isgod, kelloggs, Kelly, kellyds, kendori n , kenta l l a rd , kerowyn, keskt, ketay, Kettlec h i p , Kev i n 143, kevla r, kevo, kewlex, kew u d a rz, kfuq, kgkidd l , Khaos, khayman, khole, kickballru lz, KidA, KidAm nesiac, kidd m i l l e n n i u m , K i l l e rPoptart, ki llerw i bble, Ki loWattson, kimchia, K i mchia425, K i n g DawgEX, k i rkdawg, Kiscica, kish, kissproof, kittles, Kitty, kittyOfd O O m , k ittycatgirl20, kizm iaz, k l i n i kloh, Kleppe r, k l u g , kma ri ej 1 006, kmj 1 0 06, K m o n ks, knc, K n o w i n g B u rns, kod i a k , kod i a k 8 1 , Ko kute n , Kolar, koma, kom press a u r, Ko n e koSha dow, kong, Kopfeldjager, kornfield, KoRn_puff, koswalt, kowaru, Krapht, krasezeeretard, KrazyKat, krem i n , kriggi ns, K ri l l ian_Hex, Kriptic, Kris, 284

Thanks And Stuff

krisa k, krisbsca, k ristj i n , krootons, krsitnee, Kru licki, krylex, ksch a l l e r, kstar, k u bl a i k h a n , k u bl a k h a n , k u po, K u ragari, k u rg a n 77340, Ku_No_ Ich i , kwaj m an87, kyla-dre a mweaver, Ky l rea n , kyrie, Kytyyrr, Kyu u ketsu ki_Kurai, kzd i llon, La-La, laceyj a n e , Lach rym ite, Lacy Rebecca, LaDFrea k N Da , Lady Mercy, Lady_Jez, Lady_Sta rd u st, laga, La Mesa, La n 386, la ngster, la rkknot, la rray, larsoncc, larsre n n e , Lastic, LastSta n d , lastwee ksfrea k, lasvegasjerk, Latera lus , la u ra , Laurabee, laura_lynn_axid, l a u rs, lava boy, Laves, law, Law i n , LawlessAttitude, Lawnmower96, lawstdawg, Laza ru sLong42, Lazee, Le-Curi, l e a n n e , led4urhead, ledzep, lee-lee, Leese, legger, Legom a n , leig h , Le m m i ngOfDeath, l e m u r, Leper_Pu p pet, lerris, lesb i a n a h , lestat, leve ndis, l i a , Lig erBomb, Lightbade, L i l , L i i M issChz, L i i RedRid i n H ood, Lily, l i l_g uy68, l i m ited itio n , Link, Linkgmr, l i n ky, l i n uxhax, liqu idcourage, Liqu idyGood ies, Lisaca m , l ittlemoomoo, Little_E m path, livewire, l izerati, LizM, Lizziekayt, lizziness, Lizzy, l izzyp, l izzyv, l keffect, I I , llee04, l levas, I IVI Iystry, logan myklz, logtar, Lok i 08 , lola6905, Lonegamer, longe lf, Lontano, looki, looselybased, LordCieavage, lord_bbq, lord_steak, Iori, lost-is-cow, lostchapter, Lou n g e r3 6 1 , loveotr2, lovesatrophy, lovesit, LoveSiave, Lray84, ls i n m i ke, l uci, Lucife r, Lucky, luc ky_bebe, Lucky_d, Luftballoons, l u isd, lu key, Lu ke_I_a m_yo u r_Fat her, lu pe rize r, LVra in maker, LVtig g r20, lwerner, LycoLoco, lydialydia, Lyn d a , Lyra n a , lysaer , m 3 x l c4nj3w, m4rkym4rk, M @ , MACbo i , Macca 2 2 , macg i l l ie , mach ieny, Mach iste, macosx200 1 , Mad Hatter, Mad Kiwi, m a d m a n , M a d m a n 7 6 2 , mad max, Mad nessReig ns, MadonnaC, M a d re, mad_carder, maenad, Maenos, maestro400, M a g icaiMu sicaiMon key, maj o u r3 3 3 , Makgraf, m a ke, Malachesque, Malachi, Maleboge, Ma linois, Malix, m a l k iri, M a l ly, m a l practice, m a n e m a n , Manfre, M a n iaca i G i e a m , Man iaca i La u g hter, Man iacmous, M a n i p u lativeSnow, m a n ishshan kla 1 0 1 , ma pes 1 0 1 , M a ra , m a rcelbr, marcoot, m a rctwa i n , Marcus, MARK, markd, ma rkoz, m a rs 90 5 0 , Martelle, M a rti, M a rtyn , m a ryjonme, Masoud, Mastercuz, masterdebater, mastermarbles, Mat Def, Mathieu, matrygg, Mauler, m a u rice, Maximus-_-, MaxPower, maxwell, maxwellt2004, mayaseye, Mayon, mayonaise, MazdaSpee d Da n , mazer, mazzychic, mbessey, M bogucki, m bosu38, McLu s h , mcm i ke , MCOFire m a n , MD, mdf3 5 6 , m d risco l l , me, Meanie, m e a n m issy, Mecha nte_Fille, m ega lodon, megalon2, Megan, M e k a n i kos, mel, M e i D a n n i , mellen_hed, mel lo_k itty, Mel mack, melmoomel, memememe, m e m p h ls, m e n d i pbus, m e ndozozoza , mental, Mentaux, Mercutio, messagelady, M eTa L l , meta l l O O O O , meta lpizza 0 7 , MeteorShower, mfa n k h a n e l , mgates, m ic2497, m ickeysolo, M i d k n i g h t, M i d n ig htO bsidian, Mid oriDorito, m idtown brat, M ifuyne, m i g htyshortadam, m ig htywh itey, M i kayla, m i kdavi, MIKE, M i kem620, M i keO , m i kestan ley, m i ke s u m 3 2 , m i key7 1 4 , M ik la u rie, M ilam berCidone, m i l lerj u , M i l lyQPu blic, M i loko, m i nchione, m i rage, m issca l i , m issi ng_l i n k , M issLy n d a , M is s N i k i , M issReporter, m iss_kace, m isterme, mjcastle, mjoh n 6 6 2 1 , 285

Mentally Incontinent

MJS007Hol lywood, MJStid h a m , m k, m m nord, m m ouse67 1 , m nd s m , m n r2d, mod e 6 n i n e , modgirl, mofroe, Mog e m , Mojo, MoJoPokeyBiue, Mojo Riso n , mom, mom 1 3 3 d , momo, M O N K EYBOYVT, mon keydoo, mon keyporn, mon keytrin ket, m o n K K RE, Mon krat, m o n n i e , Monoxidehektik, montana_storm, Monty845, monwitog , Mookie, MookieB, moon_ferret, moopoo, mora n m 2 , Morbidda Destiny, Mordoc, MorEDa k KA, Moret h a n a n thony, moreth a njake543, mori d i n , motobu m 4 1 6, MouseyCh ick, moveyourcar, Moyjuff, Moz, m prose, m rchoz, M rDog, M rit, M rJones, M rKSose , mrparks, M rS i n ister, M rS u rly, m rtaz, m r_love_mon key, Mr_M u n s h u n , msd , m s d i n , MsFiction, mshell67 , msmondo, MsSardon icS m i l e , mssassy, mssng l n k, MsTracy, m s u kov ich, mtbrider, mtms u b, M uckyPete, M u cky_Pete, m u ddster, M u rphyslaw, m usicmandrill, M u stafaQBra i n , m wicks, MxZori n, MyBra i n H u rts, MyDisease, myearsrpoi nty, mynameisken2, Myopia, myriad badjava, myrky, mysguyded, Mysterious H o u rs , mystery 2 5 0 , mystical_q u iet, m_d i sco, n 3 k0 m 1 k 1 , n 7 0 , n9tu reboy, na keds k8tr, Na kedTickBoy, N a kedtickBoy l , n a m 7 22 rm, N a m bie, Nams, n a n i 8 1 , Na nook, Nao, n a rri l , N a styE m , nata lie, natertater6 1 1 8 , natetheatty, NatFairbanks, natty_8_8, n a utispider, ncjason, N DO, n e a rnorth, Necron676, NegativOne, n e i l n e lson, N e ko, n e mecide, N e m o, n e m u i n e ko, neofox87, neome, neotek, N erant, Nerd, n e rd l i n g , n e rptwerd, n etmash, Nets n i pe , netwyrm, n e u m a n 1 8 1 2 , NeverRe m e m berUserN a m e , newmoses, Newton99, Nez, N iaci n , n i bbleknobs, n ic, n icade m u s kg d , niccogp, N icholas DWolfwood, N i ck, n ickabod, N ickie, n ickname, nigel 1969, n ig htch i l d , n ig ht h a w k 1 3 , n i g l et, n i h i lda rk, n i n a n i k ita , n i n ekayoh, n i nj a m o n key, n i nja_ba lls, n iolosoiale, nj 3 7 , n mz7, N N R, nobleman76 , Noctrn a iSym ph ony, Noexit, n og m i ke, noncha lance, non_profit, noogles, nooper, noq u a rter, Northern_seth, nostgard, notmyg u m d ropbuttons, NotTheDoctor, networking, nouvea ux2 1 , nowhere, nowh erefast, n ow h e re m a n , No_ Key_Band it, n rh u g h es, n s h a h , N u c learMosq u ito, n u d ude, N u n key, n utation, n u topia, NYCPhotog, oathtaker, O bsessed , obzola, Octol, o d i n , Odi_et_Amo, ogopogo, ohemjay, o i n ky, O i O i S ka , o kami , okm23, Ol ivaw, O m e n , om icro n , o m n icie ntlyobl ivious, o m n iturtle, oneortheother, Onezero, O n i Syphon, onovanday, ooalixoo, o p e n 2 0 0 3 , Opeth, O po pa n a x , opqda n , Opteron geek, ora ng uta n 3 2 , OrcishFodder, orion78, Orison, Orl p h a r, orneryg u y, Osirisis, os irisnoche, ospaz, oss, otherwhitem att, Otte r_, o u i , ovrskooled, oWildBil lo, OwtYtrof, Oz, p00 n3 r, Pac u l a , paddy, painfu l ! , Pa lady n n , pa l a nt i r, PaloPi nto, Pa ncho, Pa ndainTheRa i n , panthers_fu ry, papercra n e 1 3, paperwa l lsoftime, Pappysevi ltwin, ParadisePete, Pa radox, Pa ra n oidAndro i d , parasite, pa rkerest, pat3rol, pat m a n , Pa u I, Pa u l 2 5 5 7 1 , Pa u lie, pa u l p 1 04 7 , pavel_l i s h i n , pearlj a m , peez, peggy, Peng u i n , pennyloafers , pe n nywise, peokid, peppermi ntfaerie, Pereg i n e D ive, pe rfectfi re, perso n n e , Pete, peted, Pete_in_Aus, pet i n g , petri m, petry, Pezzo n i , phaedrus, Phcyso, PHeonix, P h E u r, p h i l bb, P h i l l i p_04, P h i ltheCanuck, 286

Thanks And Stuff

ph lox, phoenix 2 1 604, p h u le , Phusion, piet, Pikhq, pinkie, P i n kyG, piro, pittsfl yer, Pix9, pizzaboy90 1 0 , Pizza m a n J u lio, pj_imm ortal ity, pkn utz, pks, pla ne_wal ker, p l i g hta n g e l , plokedy, PMD, Pocketfu iiOfStars, pocket_rocke t 1 2 3 , podad dy, poe hitm a n , poisn edcoke, poisoncra n k, PoisonN, Poke, poo kieru les, Poo i Man, poopd i l lyoop, poopsy, pope, portoj o h n , pos_nz, PotatoCouch, potato head, potta u k , pra n k, Pretty­ Sty le, Pretty_Lucky_Ch uc ky, prfntbtr, prfti meofday, pri n cesstate r, ProductivePotHead, Proph et, Protes ila us, p ro u b , Provencio32, pshyco, psychodoug h boy2 k , psycho machina, Puch u , Pudd les, p u l i n gOracl, Pulsarcat, p u n kg e n i u s , p u n kn , p u n k rock, p u ptentacle, p u rd u e pd , Purplefl u rp223, PWBDVM, Pyroma niac, pyroshe lly87, Pyrrhus, pyun ny, q , Q B i rd , Q i n g uTh e H obo, Qsara, q ua rk O O S , Qu attro, Que bekop, qu enti n_mca l m ott, Qu icksilver, q u illed, R42, r8rfa n, Rabbito , ra bidsha rk, radiotra s h , Rae, rag i ngch i h u a h u a , Rag i n g Si re n , ra iders, ra i n m aster, Ra ka ka, rakelo, Ra l lyMon key, ra m e n nood les, Ra m o n icus, Ramrod, ra n d o m person, randomwolf70, Ra n g e r, RaraAvis, ras528, rave n maj ik, Raventa i l , Ravus, Ray, rayhowe, rayj a x 1 2 , Rayski, raz 1 28, raz22, rberd e e n , RCN, rda m i a n i , rdskutter, rdx_2 1 , read machine, rea lstupid, realz, rebecca a n n , recata n a , red, red 56gmc, Red b a n a n a , red blaze7, Red B u l l , red h ead, red h eadam ber, RedlizordX, Red Pheonix, red pix 1 3 , redpop, Redwizz, Refl ections, rega l l , reg e r, reg mfl, reh a n a , re i n e r, Re i nSon ne, rejoicinga pathy, REK, rekrab, Re n id ragon, Retry2, rets lek, Retu rnToSender, RevwRy, RexHavok, rglass, rheopa ipo, rh ino­ x, Rhyne, Rhyvven, rich, Ricky Ki d d , rieges, Rigger, Rightw i n g N utcase, Rijntj u h , riotnrrd, ripiket667, Ripp, Ri pper, Ri pperN a medJack, ririroo, Risi, riskycha nce0406, rita, Rita issocool, ritz, River, rizla 7 2 , RJ N FC, RMS, roadki ng_mn, roa h bo a h , Robaato, Robb79, rob b h a r, Robbie, Ro bbieCrash, robeads, robert 1 0 7 0 , Robertlev i n , robjtmous, robmcraf, ro bski34, Rocketm a n , RockNRoll, roer, Roger, rog u emax7, Romabrew, Ro ma rio, roo9, Roofto p, rooster3862, rooste rma n , roostr, Ross, rotocult, rou m e n key, rowdymo n , royfcj , roystg n r, RPrejean, rrobertsO, rsabbagh, rtt 1 6 3 , Ru bberd u c ky, ru ben, ruel, rug byca n u c k, Ru nestone, R u n n i n g Fool, ru pert7, Russe i i M i l ler, russwood, Rusty99A, rvw i n k l e , Rya n , rya nemsmom, Ry k h , ryncar, Ryo, R_I, s8n, sa b66, S a b i n e , Saboo, sa bre n , Saed i n , safetydoctor, sage, sa i nt, Sakae, sa lavari, SALLY6048, S a i Paradise, Salsa, s a m 2 2 1 1 , sam u ra i inc, S a m u ra i_O, sand i , Sa n d m a n , san ity, sa n ka , santa rrj , Sara h , sara hT, S a retrix, saskatuna, satanza n g l , satch m o 1 1t, saturnstar, S a u i_Vasq u ez, Savant, savatri, save d 7 1 4 , SaveJa nos, Saya, S boswell, scario, schOOlteacher, Scha ppell, scharg e r, sch i l p h is h , Sciribe, Scoe, ScottyD32, scottywater, Scouserl n Exile, ScrapOfCat, screwthe49ers, scru b by, Scruffy, scu baface, scum goat, scy n ic, SC_fo rever, sd bpost, sdeVil le, sdpg u y l , sdwr98, Seabass, SeaCWest, Sea n , seanada m s , SeanCiaesDOTcom, Sea n n az, Sean nY, sea n_d izzle, SeeWeiner, SenorDia blo, senseiturtle, sensrh ps, SerenaCOOL, serenad, serracho, Sesmoid, Set h E n g , sexcpotatoes, SexySa d i e , sgaff24, sgra n d le, Shabean, sh ackateer, 287

Mentally Incontinent

s h ackdaddy, Shadoni, shadow, shadowfalco n , S h a dowTe m oest, shadow_3 5, shaggy, Shag gy_S haggs, shagnastycracker, s h a ka , Shal, s h a m as, S h a m rockHoax, s h a m u s , s h a rdel ite, s h a rk, S h A u N a , S h a w n , s h a w n koehler, s h a w n richa rd s2 1 , shawny, Shazzer, shea, s h e lyfl e m , S h i n ig a m i , S h i n nAsuka, S h i ny 1 980, S h io ka , S h l y n , s h m a c h , s h m uck, Shoggoth, S h o ka kon, Shokako n , shona, Shooti n g Star, S h reela, sideshowjoe, SidTec, sigepaye, S i g m e l , Si lent_BoB, s i l ky, s i l kyjohnson, s i l l ij i l l i , s i l l ygirl, sillywil lybobsd ad, s i lveridol, S i lverS u rfer4, Sinaa kaGracie, s i nfie l d , s i n g r1885, s i nsys, s i rgeek, S i rTi n , SithToast, Six, sizara h , Sjors, sk, s k8rn, skab idat, s ka loc, skalogre , S kavoovee, skeeziks, Skidm ore, S k i l l e n , Skold, S korro, s k ra ped_up, Skrepo, skrillz2002, SkyJetX, skywa lker145, slackdog , slacke rj w r, Slade, sla neyg, slapmesal ly, slappy, S l a rtibartfast, SLCGoth, Slee p_Tig ht_My_ Love, s l i m , s l i n g e r, S l i ppy, Slothrop, Slowla, S l u d ge, S lye , S m a k u d w n , S m idge, sm irkingplague, S m itte n , S m itylicious, sm obes, s m o kestack, Smokin-Joe, smuj, s m ur99, sna pedog g, S n a rg , s n a rl u s , Snatch, s n ea ksie, s n e l lopy, S NG, s n i perbob, snoopster53, S n o rkish, Snowden, Snowma n , Snudedude, s o l o m o n , socofre a k, socrates, Sofar, Sol a r_ Te m pest, soldout, solsistr3, somebadass, SomeFool, Som e Ra ndomAiien, somesc h m u c k 3 1 , Someth i n g , son berko, sophacles, Sophia, sou lforge, Soul Pun k27, southside, Space li n col n , spacemen key 5 7 , spacevi kingj, spadoin kle, Spa m , span kedbythedevil, s pa n ky, S pa n ky McNasty, sparkle, SpaseMoose, s pasticlasers, spatchcock, SPEBo bbyG, S peedyD, speedytu rkey, Spentro n 3 0 3 0 , s p h i n x O n i n e , Spida M u n kae, S piderma n , spidern i pple, S pieler, SpikeQX99, s p i n ne, S p i ritless, splatto, Spl itPersona I ities, spl it_ato m , splode, spoo k h a m m er63, spoo n , spot6254, SpottedDog, SpyreX, spyseetuna, s q boi n k, squackmaster, squee, s q u i loogle, Sread, Sregor, Sreister, SrJ, srn, s rvfa n 7 5 , SSpiffy, stackoffiapjacks, StalkerDave, sta l ke rj a m es, stan ley, sta n loots, sta rd ustOS, Starghost, sta rling, stavro 5 1 0 , SteelyDan, Steei_Avatar, stefo n ro m a n , stem py, Ste ph, Ste p h e n , ste pheroo, stephste p h 2 0 2 , StereoM ike, steve, steveinct, SteveO, steveo22, steve rOOt, stevere q u iem, steve root, stew7620, Stf9 2 3 , sthaya s h i , Stine_i_chatfaelden, Sti n g - Ray_ZA_, sti ng407, StonedCrow, StonepawFox, stopitw i lson, stork, Storm, stormgu nner, Stra ker, stra n gelnvader, stratg u ita r, Strizzo, struttinjeska, Stu b by, st u d m uffi n , sTu Ka, stu p i d i n d a m i n d 2 0 04 , stuttermon key, Styles, Sty mie, s u acysuacy, s u bcept, s u g a rstick 1 5 , su icidebeat, S u m HV i l leFiava, s u m m sies, s u n d e r, S U N DOWN ER, S u n kyst, S u n ny, s u perba m , SuperGrrl04, s u pernautica, s u pe ryeo, s u prchrgd, s u ri a l , S u s h i G i rl , s u stinererex, sutam, suzyba byyea h , swarthydog, SweaterG irl, sweetcheeks, sweetverve, sw ifty, switchprog, s w m pt h g , swpidgeon, swtm a ryj a ne39, syco, Symbiotic, sythesis, Syzigyn, t, t3trisphr3ak, t4 1 i s i n , Ta b, Ta boo, Ta i Fong, Ta i lor, ta k u n , taligator, Ta lox_ A n u ra , ta m ke n , Ta ngy, Ta n ke r, tanya k i m , Tao, Ta ra, taral , Ta raW, Ta rja , tarta n a n g e l 8 1 , tastethera i n bow 5 1 , tattoodn prcd, tattood_g irl, 288

Thanks And Stuff

Ta uce, Tavocado, taxdog, Taya , tazf, tbone42 1998, tcottrel l , TDQ u i ks i lver, Techster, Ted i , teflonDon, Teh Backslasher, tehfrij, tekceport, tekguru8, Te m pExp, Te m p l e k n i g ht, Te n , Te n DeuChen, Te n nessee 273, Ten s h i , Te ra nfirbt, test70, tetragon, texasawn utts, texc h a n c h a n , tfd629, tgirl, th7957, tha be r, Thanatos, Thane, tha n g le, thatg uy, thatoneg uy, That_Guy, TheAkira, TheAndyChrist, thea ntigod, theartichoke, theash ly, thebeave, Th eB igChz, TheBoss, theclashrocks72, TheDark, thedoc, TheEiu siveDuck, theev i l darkmage, Th eFi a m i n S heep, Th eFiyingChair, thefra n chise0003, TheGoblin, TheGreatAsshol io, Th eGreatestCyn ic, thehappyg i l more, thej o l l ycompa ny, Thelastleper, The Mad Dutch m a n , The Matt, theOracl, theoverpass, theox, ThePerfectCore, ThePolack, TherapeuticBeat, Th e rg r i m , TheRoadVirus, Theta Reactor, thevau lt, thevicious, TheViciousCycle, TheWa l k i ng D ude, th e_clea n e r, The_Dave, th e_ ete rnal_perpetuator, the_fixer, the_joker1 1 , the_sixth_re p l icant, The_ Thorne, the_ u g ly_god, the_Velvet_ H a m m e r, t h i n g a maj ig765, t h i rdeye, this_is_my_name, t h n i kk a m a n , thorn, Thorbjorn, t h reetoast, Three_ Years, thrym, thyj u l i ette, ticketpete, tickr , TigerTo m m y 1982, tiggernssn, tighth o m i e , Tigrrr, tim, Tim bo, TimeRacer, Timjo n , t i m m ­ e h , timovgod, Tim_Woc h o m urka, Tisha, TK 1906, TLC, tmbg, toast, toastviper, tobystu ntcat, tobyvictory, tod d z i l la , To lerator, Tom , to m g 6 1 , tone-loc, Ta nyA, Tony_Rockgroin, toonso n , toorayay, tootles, topothem orn i n , To ra ri, torgo, tori, To risgirl 1 1 , Totmacher, TowerDmC, Toxi cTa n k , Tox ius, toxlab, Tozama, ToZo, Tra nsDerm , Tread, Tricia516, triciak, Trick, tri l l ia n , Tri n itee, triplel, triplequa rks, Trista n , Trista n SCA, Trixie, TRKorecky, trnes u , trogdorth e 2 n d , Troj a n , Tron 3 0 , Troop7, Troovis, trou tfi nder, truckin74 , Tru msta n , Try lobyte, tsch a i , TSR488, ttorg, Tu bbybtch, Tu katz, t u n icoco, Tu ri n , Tu rindael, twanvl, twelve h o u rp i e, twheeler, tw i ne42, twi ntu rbobb, twistedself, Tw isted_ Ferret, twitch, twoegos, Twofl owers_luggage, Twylig htGio, TyGorto n , Tyrael, Tysonwein, TyVil, U 2Steve, u8my house86, u berbun ny, U do, U lfu ls, U lt ra Ba n d Width, u m it_dava l a , U n cleRay, u n clesha rky, u ndead bob, u nsi ncityst u dent, u nspO, U p right , UQ, U ri n e luck, UTERARSE, utter_bastard, u u d d , uzi, vaalrus, vacill ate, va lans2000, Va leria727, valjean, Valkysas, Va l lowShapid_2 0 0 0 , Va lour, Vanyc, va pidsq u i d , variable, varmint, vas l l e , vauxhal, vega lk2000, vega nomic, Ven, Venator, Ve ne, vergeot, verytres, victordavion, V i ktor, VinChi, vinda loo, Vine n , viogression, Violetlethe, viper8604, v i rus_064, V i s kOcity, Vlad, V m a n , vogon ity, volati le_fl a m e , volta, volweevil, von_ fac ke n h e i m , vsheare r, vsync, vyruss, wOO, wahoo69, walczyk, Wa lzer, w a m p a m a g i , warawara, waretz, warhawk_1 8 7 , warla, Warlock, wa rpedte n , warthog, waterd ropm ix, water_fi e n d , way_hay_its_j ay, Way_Ph at, wazzi, wearlej, W E B B U M , Wedge, wehtta m , wen d ytime, werner, werue h l e , wes, wetmonkey, wex, WezBorla n d , wheels128, wheels318, wh eredacable, w h i p pb, Wh istle rrr, w h iteslashasian, w h iteth n d r, W h oRulmMe, wickidpissa, w i lfog n, W i l l a rd n ess90, 289

Mentally Incontinent

w i l l dorris, w i l l h i l l , w i l l iamoboh, W i l lis, w i l lywa g , W i l m O , W i n d Spyre, wingsup, w i n gzerO, W i nter, Wi nterlion, W i nterMute, wis pfox, Witc h a n gel, wither, wllce 1 3 14 , Wokwon, wolfm a n 5 2 , wolfwood, Wombat, woody, Worcester, worldd isciple, wota n 2 52 5 , wotip, wpayne, Wraith , w rh n r722, w u l vern, Xaio_J u n , Xaoki ntet, XaoKitten, Xar, xbecca, xDeathAng elx, Xenodious, Xeonon, Xerisitan, xe roxco py, Xiaoli, x i l i0966, X i X LaCrOsSeBaBeXiX, Xiy u a n , X l iamX, XmanO RE, xmasnvegas, xmerlin42x, xodarap, xopherg , x pd lit, xq uiz8, xS p i ke S piegelx, xtre m e d o l p h a n , xtry 5 1 , xxjoshu a68xx, xxjt2oxx, xxj u stoK, xyverz, Y2 kfroguy, yacob, Ya htzee, Ya n kee, Ya rlad, yazva, yekera 1 3 , Ye llow beard, YeO ideWi n d ba g , Yix, yobo, yomama, YoPa u l i e , YourFirstN a m e Here, ysskyrx, yucano, y u kon bri, y u m m ydata , Yuri, zOrrO, z2 1 0442, z84976, zach , zafa ra, Za ndder, Zara2, Za rf, zarr2 0 0 1 , Za rs h i r, Zath i e n , Zawzaws, zed d ra i n e r, zeeth, Zeke, Zelobito, ZeMichel, Zen Bastard, zenchicke n , Zenereon, Zera, zerodeefex, zeromode, ZeroPu rity, Zeros, zia, Z i n d o n , Z i p py, zippybutte rfly, zlexiss, ZManCartFa n , zontar, zorbathut, Z u byo, ZzZzZ_g Er, and who could forget _to_feel_adored_. And to those who j o i n ed early o n but can't fi n d their usern a m e here, t h is list i s comprised of the first 3000 m e m bers w h o joined the site A N D v i s ited more tha n o n ce eve ry six months. So if you 're not here . . . Visit more than once every s i x months : - ) ! (Can you put emoticons i n a book? I'm not s u re if it's poor form or wh atever. . . I g u ess you can, but it's not enco u raged? We l l a nyway, I j u st d i d , so it's a moot point : - P )

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Extre m e l y M aj o r S u pe r E xtra S p ec i a l Tha n ks To Vi rg i n i a H a l l at M o m e n t by M o m e nt P h otog ra phy fo r t h e a bsol ute l y avveso m e back cove r p h oto ( a n d n evv vvebsite p h otos) .

htt p : I I vvvvvv . Mo mentByM o m e n t P h otog ra p hy . co m

Te l l h e r Joe sent yo u .

Webs i tes Yo u S h o u l d V i s i t :

Z U G . co m B ro ke n N e wz . co m H u m o rFeed . co m M aj o rG ee ks . co m ApeC h i l d . net b O g . o rg (tha t's a zero, not a n ' o ') Fa r k . c o m P h o n e losers.org www. sa b re n .com Dead Bod iesi n c . co m Dru n kAnd D i so rd e rly. net Tu rd Cutters . com S h o w M eYourWo u n d . co m US Press . com Sta g eS e l ect. com N i nj a B u rg e r. co m N oA p o l o g iesPress.com M ed i a p i c k l e . com btt l s . co m ( b est b a nd ever) Fo rTheReta rd ed . co m TheWatleyReview. com B o b FromAccou nting . com ThisisTRU E . co m e h a c ked . co m D o c Re n o . co m B r i a n Ke e n e . com M o m entByM o m ent Photo g ra p h y. com J e remyH a l vo rsen . com

Ot h e r P rojects by Joe T h e Peacock:

Sti l l Menta lly Inconti nent The 2 n d Menta l ly Inconti n e nt Book

http : //www. m e nta l l y i n co nti n e n t . c o m

25

Ca meras

2 5 Disposable Cameras Sent Around The Globe ( Re l a u n ch i n g Soon)

http : //www . 25ca m e ra s . co m

Open Com i c (Com i n g Soo n )

http : / /www . o p e n co m i c . co m

And two other a l l new books for 2006!

Find o u t a b o ut these p rojects a n d m o re at my site :

htt p : / / www.joethepeacock.com And feel free to read my j o u r n a l w h i l e you 're t h e re !

Bu h-Bye!