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WARNING THE MATERIALS AND WORKS MADE AVAILABLE BY C&M ONLINE MEDIA INC. THROUGH BOSON BOOKS ARE COPYRIGHTED. YOU ARE PERMITTED TO DOWNLOAD LOCALLY MATERIALS AND WORKS FROM BOSON BOOKS AND TO MAKE ONE (1) HARD COPY OF SUCH MATERIALS AND WORKS FOR YOUR PERSONAL USE. FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS, HOWEVER, PROHIBIT ANY FURTHER COPYING OR REPRODUCTION OF SUCH MATERIALS AND WORKS, OR ANY REPUBLICATION OF ANY KIND. ILLEGAL COPYING OR DISTRIBUTION OF MATERIALS AND WORKS OBTAINED FROM BOSON BOOKS CONSTITUTES COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. ILLEGAL COPIES OF SUCH MATERIAL AND WORKS CAN BE SEIZED AND DESTROYED. FURTHERMORE, MATERIALS AND WORKS CREATED BY YOU OR OTHERS USING COPYRIGHTED MATERIALS OBTAINED FROM BOSON BOOKS WITHOUT THE WRITTEN AUTHORIZATION OF C&M ONLINE MEDIA, INC. ALSO CAN BE SEIZED AND DESTROYED. COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT CAN BE INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI. CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS MAY RESULT IN IMPRISONMENT OR A FINE OF UP TO $250,000, OR BOTH. ________________________________________________________
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Published by Boson Books ISBN 1-932482-09-1 An imprint of C&M Online Media Inc. Copyright 1996, 2003 Lou DeLena All rights reserved For information contact C&M Online Media Inc. 3905 Meadow Field Lane Raleigh, NC 27606 Tel: (919) 233-8164; Fax: (919) 233-8578; e-mail:
[email protected] URL: http://www.bosonbooks.com URL: http://www.bosonromances.com
Photos by C. D. Callahan and Donna A. DeLena Design by Once Removed
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MOPPING TALL! The Hubby's Guide to Housework and Other Dangerous Jobs A collection of housekeeping hints (and more) for the novice househusband by
Lou DeLena _______________________________________________
Second Online Edition
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This book is dedicated to my loving wife Donna, to my parents, Louie and Marie, to my family, and to the management of a certain defunct high-tech company (who shall remain nameless) whose untimely layoff gave me the experiences necessary to complete these pages. (No, you do not get a cut of the profits! Besides, they wouldn’t do you much good at this point.) A special thanks to all for helping me to “fill in the blanks”, and to Nancy, Dave, and Steve for believing. References to any products in this book are not an endorsement by the author; they are merely a cheap and gaudy attempt by him to obtain a year's free supply of said product. By the way, aren’t low-fat Oreos, those great cookies made by the National Biscuit Company (AKA Nabisco), totally awesome? Not to mention the wonderful Cadillac DeVille, from the fine folks at General Motors Corporation. And of course…All product names are trademarks of their respective owners
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Table of Contents Preface Section I – Housework Chapter 1
Introduction and Bathroom
Chapter 2
Vacuuming
Chapter 3
Floors
Chapter 4
Dusting
Chapter 5
Changing the Sheets
Chapter 6
What To Do with an Old Pizza Box (intellectual stimulation at its best)
Chapter 7
Back to the Bedroom
Chapter 8
Laundry
Chapter 9
Ironing
Chapter 10
Windows (We do them!)
Chapter 11
Changing Closets
Chapter 12
The Lichen (an interesting plant, no doubt, but I think I mean) The Kitchen
Chapter 13
Using the Stove
Chapter 14
Food Shopping
Section II – Yardwork Chapter 15
Mowing the Lawn
Chapter 16
Trimming Hedges and Plants
Chapter 17
Fertilizing and Raking
Chapter 18
Mulching
Chapter 19
Gardening
Chapter 20
Dealing with Critters
Section III – The Social Element
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Mopping Tall! Chapter 21
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner!
Chapter 22
Your In-Laws
Chapter 23
Time Management
Chapter 24
Leisure-Time Activities
Chapter 25
Understanding Each Other
Section IV – Hints, Recipes, Quiz, and Final Thoughts Chapter 26
Recipes
Chapter 27
Helpful Hints
Chapter 28
Quiz
Epilogue
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As you thumb through the book, you probably realize that most of these titles don't match those in the chapters themselves. There's an excellent reason – these titles are about as dry as the toast you'll be cooking up in Chapter 26. As chapter heads, I wanted to dress them, to spice them up, to give them flavor. (Geez, is it me or am I making constant food references? Maybe I should have had more than those celery sticks for breakfast!)
THE ALL-IMPORTANT, LAWSUIT-AVOIDING DISCLAIMER Consider all of the information in this book as friendly advice to be used at your own risk. Don't bother to sue if you vacuum your cat, fall out of a window onto the hood of your brand-new Corvette, or poison your ex-boss with your cooking (besides, you ought to thank me for that!). Before using any product or device, make sure you read all of the instructions and specifications, and understand how to use it. Someone worked long and hard to come up with this information; the least we can do is read it. Besides, these helpful facts will most likely help us to use a product more efficiently, or, more importantly, avoid an injury. Read the directions. It’s time well spent! Finally, if you have questions about using a product to perform a specific function, consult an expert. They can answer all of your queries from “Does brown sugar melt ice?” to “Should I use the electric can opener on a canister of Quaker State?” You can find expert information on the Web, through the Yellow Pages, or live and in color at your home-improvement center.
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Preface Greetings, and thanks for buying my book! Hey you! YES, YOU! Stop thumbing through it looking for the juicy parts – this is a “how-to” book, not “Peyton Place”! Although, if you dread keeping up your home and garden, it may start out like a horror story. But don’t worry – things will markedly improve as we roll along. Now take out your wallet and cough up the ca$h! I need the money - badly! I have a four-pack a day habit to support! (Man, those Twinkies are addicting!) You are about to embark on a voyage into the wonderfully fulfilling world of housework and yard work. You'll discover the joys of bleach, the evil of dirt, the sweetness of fresh-cut grass, and the magic that is garlic. And you won't be alone, I promise you. This book is written with you in mind. It is designed for those of us who are recently unemployed and now find ourselves with a mop in our hands, trying to determine where the dirt ends and the floor begins. It is also written for folks who want to do more around the house than take out the trash, but don't want to hurt themselves or their loved ones in the process. For the sake of convenience, I will use the term “you” to refer to you (what a novel idea!), and terms like “spouse”, “wife”, and “significant other” to refer to your spouse, wife, or significant other. (I’ll rotate so it doesn’t get too monotonous.) By the way, if you are a woman, feel free to use this book as well. Just make the following substitutions in the text: “Sister” for “Brother” “Dudette” for “Dude” “You go, Girl!” for “Well done, Big Guy!” Whatever your situation, the fact is that many of you are facing the unknown. Don't worry - I'm going to be at your side, tongue planted firmly in cheek, to get you through those daily routines we all took for granted when Mom was around. I'll help you to become a Conqueror of the Kitchen, a Picasso of the Potty, a Superstar of the Scrub Brush, a Lord of the Leaves. To make things even easier, I'll keep all the important stuff together, such as what you'll need to complete the task at hand, how to perform said task, and the time it should take. The rest of the chatter I'll keep separate, so that if you just want the bare-bones information, you'll be able to find it with ease. If you follow my instructions closely, you'll even be able to cook dinner while drying clothes while cleaning the floor - truly, you will be MOPPING TALL!
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SECTION EYE Good Housekeeping In this first section, we’ll get down to the very basics of housekeeping. We’re going to polish the potty, doll up the doilies, and glisten the glass. This section provides useful information on cleaning, wiping, and disinfecting, all of those great words you heard on those teevee commercials you blipped by during halftime. (Isn’t the remote a great invention?) You’ll also learn the true purpose of all of those kitchen appliances. For example, did you know that the sink is more than a storehouse for dirty dishes? You can actually wash them here! When you’re through, you’ll be able to laugh dirt and grime in its ugly face. At the very least, you won’t feel that quiver of fear when facing a pile of dirty laundry. Onward!
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Chapter Won: The Dirtiest Detail Some of us have had experience in keeping up a home. For example, we knew exactly what to do during those trying times when the shower mildew grabbed a brush and washed our back during our morning constitutional or when some unknown creatures in the rug ate Fluffy, our faithful pet and companion. Most of the time, we performed these weird rituals of spraying, wiping, and rinsing only when necessary. We would never do it more than, say, once every six months. Today, times have changed, and so has the enemy. Unlike Mom, who could make grime run and hide with a mean glance toward the storage cabinet, today’s dirt shows no such respect. It is grungy, plays its weird music way too loud, and laughs in our face when we try to discipline it. Well, it's time to put the gloves on and tackle the SOB where it stands (underfoot, no doubt). The Bathroom We're saving the worst for first. After all, this is the place in your house where small children faint and large pets die. It's dirty, ugly, and disgusting, yet your Mom always handled it with the aplomb of Clark Kent's alter ego confronting a slightly tight jar lid. Before you begin, re-acquaint yourself with the color of your bathroom “appliances”. It will help you more than you realize. For example, if you have a green color scheme, you won't be scrubbing the tub for 8 hours trying to remove what you think is an ungodly mold. If your color scheme is brown, you won't overdo cleaning the infamous toilet bowl because you think it's covered with...well, you get the idea. Let's start with the sink. In most cases it's the easiest item to clean in the “latrine”. Here's what you'll need: One cleaning cloth such as an old face towel, or a sponge Cleaner, such as a cleanser, non-abrasive, or, for the environmentally conscious, Simple Green. Whatever you choose, THE PROCEDURE is the same. THE PROCEDURE:
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Mopping Tall! Wet the sink, then spread or spray your cleaner evenly over the entire area. Save a little for the faucet as well. Don't use too much cleanser/non-abrasive or you'll find a chalky white substance covering everything later on. Use a cloth and apply some of that macho elbow grease you've been bragging about for the past 10 years and rub, rub, rub. Rinse off and wipe dry. See how easy it is? You can use the same procedure for the tub, although with its accumulated soap scum, you will undoubtedly need to scrub longer and harder. What’s that? The shower curtain looks like it could use a dose of clean? Good catch! Use a spray cleaner or plain old soap and water (the old standby) and a cloth or sponge. Wipe gently, gently, lest you bring the curtain down – literally. Estimated task time: 5 minutes for the sink, 8 - 10 minutes for the tub (longer if there's tile or vinyl around your bathing trough that needs to be cleaned as well) and, oh, 3 minutes for the shower curtain. The Toilet Now comes the dungy part - the potty. Disgusting, ain't it? Remember, though, it's your dirty work that made it that way! So don that gas mask and get ready to right the wrong. Before we begin, let me interject a bit of friendly advice: While you’re cleaning this, uh, appliance, don’t think of it as a repository for human by-products; think of it as a drinking bowl for very large dogs. Here's what you'll need: The same items as listed above. You may want to switch cleaning cloths/sponges. In fact, you should…. THE PROCEDURE: Fire away with your cleaning item of choice. Then scrub, scrub, scrub! HARDER, DAMMIT!! Don't forget to clean the seat, under the rim, and the outside of the toilet. Reapply and scrub a second time if the bowl is truly disgusting. Rinse all over and wipe the rim and seat dry, lest you really upset your better half when she surmises that you have once again tinkled without raising the drawbridge. And
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Mopping Tall! don’t forget to put the seat down when you’re finished! I’m not telling you again! You understand me, you…oops, sorry, got carried away there for a moment. Estimated task time: 7 minutes
The Floor Finally, let's tackle the floor. (Stopped for no gain!) Okay, now get off of it and clean it, you Willie McGinest wannabe! Here's what you'll need: The same items as above (cleaner, cloth and/or sponge) Vacuum cleaner Mop (wow, just like in the title!) If your bathroom floor is tile or linoleum, give it a quick vacuuming to pick up all of that loose hair. That is, if you have any loose hair. In my case, I never have to vacuum up loose hair, excess hair, or hair on the floor. There’s a reason for that. Notice that I’m wearing a cap on the cover. Care to guess why? HINT: Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street. Of course, my wife always adds, with gusto, “It doesn’t grow on concrete either!” (Damn those Salada tag lines!) Anyway, once all of the hair on the floor is gone, or weaved into a cheap wig and donated to the Society for the Folicly Challenged, mop the floor. See Chapter 3 for some good information on mopping. If the floor is carpeted, or if you have any scatter rugs, or a rug-like bath mat, give ‘em a vacuuming. If it's wood, give it a sweep, and wash, as needed. If it's anything else, such as newage plastic or some other as-yet developed material of the next millennium, give it a mopping (likewise, see Chapter 3). Estimated task time: 5 - 10 minutes, depending on the size and type of floor. What about the...? Don't forget the medicine cabinet and any other glassware, either. Here's what you'll need:
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Mopping Tall! Glass cleaner (such as Windex) and paper towels, or disposable glass wipes, which combine these two commodities into a single product. Long live the industrial revolution! A cloth THE PROCEDURE: Wipe the interior of the cabinet using that same cloth that you used for the sink and bathtub. Clean its mirror (and all other glass reflectors you may encounter in this or any other life) with a little glass cleaner and a paper towel, or a glass wipe. Estimated task time: 3 - 5 minutes. Anything else? While you’re at it, check to see if you need toilet paper. You know how to remove the old roll and add a new one, right? C’mon…you’re putting me on! You really don’t? Okay, here goes… To remove most toilet paper rollers, simply grab both ends of the roller and gently squeeze them together. Not too hard, though, otherwise you’ll…oops, here let me get that roll out of the toilet for you. Once you’ve removed the roller, slide on the new, full roll of paper, place one end of the roller into the slot, squeeze the other end, and let it spring into place. Of course, if your roller slides out, or is attached in some other way, simply use the path of least resistance. While you’re up, why not check on those towels? If they’re mildew-laden, or if they smell like a kiddie pool that’s been out in the sun for a week, toss them in the hamper and put out some new towelware. The hamper is that big rectangular thing with the cover. It looks kind of like a large wastebasket. Whatever you do, DO NOT CONFUSE THE HAMPER WITH A WASTEBASKET, in spite of the resemblance. By the way, if the inside of the hamper smells like spoiled milk, you may want to clean it out using either bathroom cleaner or bleach. A Helpful Hint: Be very careful when using bleach. See Chapter 8 for details. Or is it 7? Nope, it’s 8. Finally, make sure there’s enough soap and shampoo for your spouse, and don’t forget to check on that can of disinfectant. Oh yeah, if there’s a radio in the room, make
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Mopping Tall! sure you tune it back to your wife’s station when you’re finished, unless she truly digs all-sports, all the time. Major kudos to you! You've cleaned your first room, and a tough one at that. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not too hard, though. Got to save some of that energy for our next undertaking.
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Chapter Too: Suck It Up Since the bathroom was such a tough job, let’s try something less strenuous for our next foray into filth eradication. Vacuuming is one of the easier tasks you will face in your new adventures in housecleaning, simply because the vacuum cleaner does the dirty work (sorry, bad pun). All you have to do is guide it around. To start with, locate the vacuum cleaner. This task may be somewhat harder than others because these things come in many different shapes and sizes. Look for a plastic or metal unit shaped like a dachshund or a funky box, a round metal unit shaped like a huge container of ice cream (you know, the industrial-sized tubs like at Friendly's or Brigham's), or an upright unit shaped like, well, a vacuum cleaner. Also, check for a name such as Electrolux, Hoover, Oreck, or Eureka (a product name, not the motto of California). Chances are, if there is a device with this name on it, nine times out of 10 it's a vacuum cleaner. Some of these devices are designed with new househusbands in mind because they even have the words “vacuum cleaner” on them, thus erasing all doubts and preventing yet another call to Mom. Of course, if you are not absolutely certain that the device you are using is indeed a vacuum cleaner, such a call may be in order, since you wouldn’t want to face off against a dirty carpet using a blender. If you cannot locate the vacuum cleaner anywhere, chances are that you have a central vacuuming system installed in your home. This device eliminates the need for lugging its portable counterpart around. The negative side of a central system is that you can’t bring it out to vacuum your car, unless you have a very long hose. And it’s probably not the best idea to bring your car to it. (“How many times have I told you not to clean the car in the kitchen!”) Central vacuum outlets are located along wall near the floor. To operate, simply open the outlet door, plug in the hose, and you’re in business. Since each room most likely has its own outlet, all you need to bring to the party are the hose and any attachments. Here's what you'll need: A vacuum cleaner (see above for details) THE PROCEDURE: Connect any hoses that go with the vacuum. Check the instructions for detailed information.
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Mopping Tall! What’s that? You threw out the instructions three years ago? Well, in that case, make your best guess. There should be a connector for the hose on the vacuum, the attachment, or both, depending on the make and model. Do likewise with attachments. Use the one that you think most likely fits the job you are about to undertake, such as the long skinny one for tight corners and the round fuzzy one for above the windows. Use the biggest and meanest one for carpeted floors, and a brushy one for wood. If your vacuum cleaner has no accessories, either they've been misplaced, in which case you should play detective and find them, or simply make the best of the situation, and punt. Hey, here’s a thought – maybe your vacuum cleaner is a single, standalone unit that doesn’t use attachments! When in doubt, consult the instructions. Yes, those instructions, the ones that you threw out three years (or was it three paragraphs) ago. Then again, maybe you didn’t dump them after all! Why not try finding them? Since such items are usually in the last place you look, start with the last place first, say the box the vacuum cleaner came in. When you are all set, plug the vacuum in and get ready for some serious sucking (think the censors will let that slide?). A vacuum works best on carpets and floors. You can also try doing the drapes, but remember the penalties you face should you suck these babies into the vacuum. Your breadwinning capo di tutti capo just might be a teeny-weeny bit upset, and you'll spend the next three nights shopping for new drapes, a thankless task at best. What I mean is, have you ever visited a drapery shop? It's probably the worst place on earth, next to an IRS audit. Bad husbands go to hell in the afterlife. Really bad husbands are sent to drapery shops. They are shear horror, combined with a large dose of boredom. Trust me, an abscessed tooth is a triple-overtime Super Bowl compared to drape shopping. Okay, you've turned the vacuum on (you kinky dude!) but it still won't pick up. Have you checked the dirt bag? I mean the thing in the vacuum, not your old boss. You see, the stuff you pick up off the floor does not wander into some magic land of dirt, contrary to what you may have been told as a kid. While I'm dispelling myths, the evil, man-eating Moo-Moo who loves drapery shops and hates football does not reside in your mother-in-law’s attic, so don't worry about your spouse sending you there for breaking that china tea cup. (Sorry, ladies, but as a fellow member of the Brotherhood of House Husbandry, I had to let the truth be known. If your man must be punished, revoke his golf privileges instead. Forget the dumb stories.) Anyway, the dirt has to wind up somewhere, and the dirt bag is the place. Open that part of the vacuum where the bag is housed (check those instructions for the exact location of the dirt bag nearest you, or, if you're like the rest of us, take a wild guess). If you stumble upon a bag loaded with dust and other assorted ickies, Eureka! (the California motto, not the product name). If you are using a central vacuuming system, the main unit is most likely housed in the basement. Consult the instructions that came with the system for information. (Don’t tell me you vacuumed them up! Sheez!)
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Mopping Tall! Remove the old bag, throw it away, and install a new one. Wives have a tendency to store these things in the damnedest places, so check with your better half at a convenient time. Just don't call her at work. She'll only envision a house knee-deep in dirt on her return home. And why is that? Face it, most men have the same attitude toward appliances (“Hey, I plugged the SOB in. Why doesn't it work?”) as most women do toward cars (“Why change the oil? We did it last year.”) Ask before or after work, on a weekend, or at some other convenient time when she won’t worry. Once you've got that bag installed, complete the job. Don't forget the bathroom rug, if you have one. Estimated task time: 15 - 30 minutes, depending on the size of your domicile. A Helpful Hint: When it comes to rugs, Darker is better. Yep, dark rugs tend to hide dirt and stains, rather than emphasize them. So, when you and your significant other are shopping for wall-to-wall, encourage her to go for the chocolate brown or navy shading, and to nix the off-whites and powder blues. You'll get to vacuum less often (once a week as opposed to every other day) and she'll have peace of mind because a dark rug can hide your best efforts (spilled beer/wine/soda, chocolate slip-ups, and the ever-present mud) instead of announcing them to all who pass, and forcing the rental of one of those rug cleaners the size of a '62 Oldsmobile. A word of warning: Whatever you do, DON'T try to suck up any large items, such as the Sunday paper, a soda can, or a Doberman. These tend to catch and clog the machine and can cause some serious damage. You may even duplicate my dubious feat and break the drive belt, then wonder for the next six months why the vacuum can't even pick up crumbs. True story, which kinda makes you wonder what qualifies me to write about this stuff. (Frankly, I'm wondering myself.) Fortunately a friend of mine with mechanical aptitude (unlike me, he doesn't need a 30-page technical manual to screw in a light bulb) caught wind of my problem. After laughing for approximately 25 minutes, he opened the bottom of the vacuum (I use an upright model) removed the old belt, installed the new one (a replacement is usually supplied with the vacuum), and then informed me that a vacuum also has to be plugged in to work effectively. And he did all of this without tools, mind you! The man is a genius. No, you can't have his name - he's all mine! Done with the vacuuming? Excellent! Now it's on to another new and exciting adventure! Bet you can't wait to see what Chapter 3 has in store for you! Well, don't just sit there - FLIP THAT PAGE!!!
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Chapter Third: Floor Me There are some things that you just can't vacuum. These include a live buffalo, hot asphalt, the Banana Splits, and Your Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle. But when it comes to sucking up surface dirt, a vacuum cleaner is the heavyweight champ. However, you don’t want to drag it out every time you spot filth on the floor. Sweeping the Floor What to do? Simply grab a broom from anywhere in the house but the broom closet. That's where you keep the coats. There are no brooms in there. It's like a glove compartment in a car. Maps, flashlight, tire pressure gauge, registration, peanut butter crackers from the Nixon administration, but no gloves. If you can't find a broom, borrow your mother-in-law's. Just have it back in time for her big night out, Halloween. (Oh, the stereotyping!) Here's what you'll need: One kitchen broom Cleaning agent mixed with water (per product instructions) such as Spic and Span or Simple Green (vinyl floors), tile cleaner (tile floors), or Murphy's Oil Soap (wood floors) A wet mop A Helpful Hint: With the arrival of the 21st century, some wonderful cleaning products have made their way to store shelves. These include multi-purpose mops that are used with disposable floor wipes. Feel free to use these in place of a traditional wet mop. (Make sure to use a wet wipe as opposed to a dry wipe.) These new-fangled things work on most surfaces. Consult the product specifications for details. THE PROCEDURE: Sweep in one motion and move that dirt into one big pile. Don't go back and forth, or you'll just shuffle the filth around. Grab an aptly named dust pan, slide the dirt into the pan, and dump it into a wastebasket. Wait - you're not finished yet! Why not really impress the boss and wash this sucker? Pour your product of choice into a bucket and add a proportionate amount of water. Pudding mix is not recommended - besides, you'd have to use milk.
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Mopping Tall! Use a wet mop (as opposed to a dry mop) to clean. (Come to think of it, if you dip a dry mop into water, does it then become a wet mop? Hmmmm.....) Dunk the mop, give it a squeeze, and commence cleaning, using that back-and-forth motion you wanted to use when sweeping. Repeat this procedure until the floor is clean, or your arms hang like two lead pipes, whichever comes first. Estimated task time: 10 minutes for sweeping, 10 minutes for mopping A word of warning: When you use any product, particularly one that you are not familiar with, follow all of the instructions on the label and take all necessary precautions. Keep especially the poisonous stuff away from the children. Remember, this is uncharted territory, so be careful. I cannot stress this enough. We all want to get through our housekeeping activities in one piece, without any side treks to the emergency room. Waxing the Floor Really feeling your oats? Then give this floor what it truly deserves - a coating of floor wax! That is, as long as it's not a tile floor. Floor wax and tile go together like hot fudge and shrimp. Know your floor! Make sure it's wax-friendly (wood, vinyl, etc.) before you commit your time and energy! Here's what you'll need: Floor wax A wet mop (not a multi-purpose mop) THE PROCEDURE: Floor wax is clearly marked and simple to use. Just follow the instructions on the package. Pour a small amount on the floor, spread with the wet mop, and repeat until the entire floor is wax-covered. Whatever you do, DON'T WAX YOURSELF INTO A CORNER!! Work toward the doorway, lest you become trapped in yon room. Let the wax dry; 20 - 30 minutes should do the trick. You can perform your cleaning magic in another room while the floor dries. Just make sure you stay off of the floor you just waxed, unless you’re really fond of pratfalls.
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Mopping Tall! Estimated task time: 60 minutes (includes drying time)
Time for a Strip Show (Grabbed your attention, didn't it?). If you have a vinyl floor, and you're really feeling horny for housework, forget about washing the floor (yay!) and strip the old wax instead (boo!) using water and ammonia (a useful but disgusting-smelling product). Here's what you'll need: Ammonia Wet mop Bucket of water THE PROCEDURE: Make sure there's plenty of ventilation. Ammonia is prominent on Jupiter, and when was the last time you met somebody from Jupiter? Not the city in Florida wise guy, I mean the big planet with the giant red spot. I can guarantee you, there’s nobody on Jupiter. Trust me. I’ve checked. I think the ammonia had something to do with it. Mix a small amount of NH4 (about a cup) with about half a bucket of H2O. Dip the mop (the one you used to wash the floor with is fine), and slosh it all around. Let it dry. Once all of the moisture is gone, wax the floor as outlined earlier in this chapter. Dump this stuff down the sink or the toilet when you’re done (don't forget to flush), and keep it away from the kids. Estimated task time: 45 minutes (includes drying time) Well, now that the floors are clean, you've certainly earned that lemonade break. Run out to my car and squeeze yourself a glass. When you're quenched and ready, we'll move on to an activity that will put all of your endurance levels to the test!
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Fore! The Persistent Enemy Dust is truly loathsome. This rotten little bastard is always popping up and slapping you in the face, no matter how hard you try to keep it out of your home. Dust is easily recognizable. It's that grayish-white coating on the coffee table or the stuff that's worsening your hay fever. It hides in nooks and crannies. It would have a ball in a Thomas' English Muffin. However, with some honest effort and hard work (not to mention an old rag), dust can be tracked down and eliminated. Here's what you'll need: Dusting agent, such as End Dust or Lemon Pledge. Use these products for the Big Dust, that once- or twice-monthly ceremonial cleaning. You can use a dry rag the rest of the time, say once a week. Dry mop (or a multi-purpose mop with a dry wipe) Dusting rag A Helpful Hint: Another wonderful 21st-century innovation is disposable dust mitts that fit right on your hand, like a baseball glove. Just think! While you dust, you can pretend to be Barry Bonds making that big catch in left field, or Derek Jeter watching Luis Gonzalez’s flare fall just out of your reach to win the 2001 World Series for the Diamondbacks. Unless, of course, you are Barry Bonds, Derek Jeter, or Luis Gonzalez, in which case – WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HOUSEWORK? Go outside and work on your swing! THE PROCEDURE: When undertaking the Big Dust, remove articles, such as magazines, flowers, and pets, from the item you are dusting. Yes, it adds time, but you'll be grateful later on when your spouse dons the white gloves for a formal job review (and believe me, she will at one time or another). After all, it's hard for her to adjust to the fact you, Captain Slob, the same dude who leaves the Sunday paper in the bathtub, gets coffee stains on the ceiling, and leaves cookie crumbs on the sheets, are actually removing dirt and grime. Be patient. Remember, she may not yet realize that you and dirt are no longer drinking buddies. Dust everything – not only furniture, but also doorways and floors. Use a multipurpose mop or a dry mop for these. Never seen a dry mop? Go to the closet and look for a long stick with a funny-looking flat-bottomed whatchamacallit on the end. No, that’s a broom…try the thing next to it. Much better!
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Mopping Tall! Oh yeah, you should also dust light fixtures. And why is that? You never know when someone may decide, for no apparent reason, to get up on a chair and inspect your chandelier. (A friend of mine did it to me. 'Course, I got him back later on when I performed a similar inspection of his fiancée. In spite of the slap, it was all worthwhile. In fact, the slap was the highlight of the entire evening. I don’t miss that molar one bit!) The watchwords are, if it doesn't move, dust it. If it moves and you can catch it - dust it. Don't forget the dust lurking behind the doors and under the beds. They can grow into dust balls the size of a moving van, not a pretty sight. Once you've finished with this time-consuming and disgusting chore, either throw out the dust rag or put it in the laundry for washing. Take the dry mop outside and, like a James Bond martini, shake it, don't stir. In fact, why not stir up the neighborhood and wrap a headband around your noggin when you take the mop out for its shaking. It'll make those nosy bastards down the street think that you're really putting your all into your work, or you’ve completely flipped out. Either way, they’ll avoid you like the plague and you’ll no longer have to worry about them borrowing your tools, mooching cash, or asking you to help them work on their car or move that two-ton chest of drawers. If you feel that shaking a mop in public may damage your macho image, then either perform this task wearing a Groucho mask, or stay indoors, open a window, stick the mop end out, and wring that baby up and down. (Easy, Ace, you don’t want to snap this thing in two.) After 4 moppings, if you haven’t done so already, detach the mop from the handle and wash it by hand. (Ahh, just soak it. The dust will come out regardless.) If you use a multi-purpose mop with a dry wipe, simply remove the wipe and throw it out. Could life be any easier? Of course, you don’t get to do any of that secret spy stuff or flip out the neighbors. Estimated task time: 60 minutes or so, depending on the size of your domicile A Helpful Hint: Wood is the most dust-susceptible element. When purchasing furniture, remember, the lighter the wood, the better it hides dust. Forget mahogany and cherry - go for oak! Another dirty task completed. Congratulations, Champ!
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Arrived at Five: Time for a Change You can only use bed sheets for so long before they get funky. A good sign that these noble mattress coverings need changing is when they appear dark and richly colored, particularly if they were white to begin with. Changing sheets every week or two is a good idea. Naturally, should they give off an unpleasant odor, make loud quacking noises, or take the car without your permission, you may want to throw them in the wash sooner. You should also review your personal hygiene habits as well. A Helpful Hint: Always change your sheets before dusting, unlike the chapter layout in this book. The reason we do this is because the sheets throw off a hell of a lot of dust when they are removed, shaken, or otherwise disturbed. Why dust any more than you have to? Are you a sadist or something? So remember, always strip before you dust. The bed, that is. You, on the other hand, are free to dust in the buff, fully clothed, or somewhere in between. God bless America! Another Helpful Hint: If you're smart, you'll have at least two sets of sheets for obvious reasons. (Okay, I'll explain why. This way, you won't have to wash the dirty sheets right away - you can wait until laundry day. Additionally, you can pop on the clean sheets without going through a wash-and-dry cycle.) Most sheets are made of a cotton blend, or similar fabric. If you have satin sheets, my guess is that you have better things to do than read silly books about housework. By the way, do you mind if I come over with the video camera and take a few shots of the sheets, er, being put to good use? Didn't think so. Here's what you'll need: A clean set of sheets THE PROCEDURE: There are usually three parts to bed sheets: The lower sheet, which wraps around the mattress The upper sheet, placed on top of the lower sheet, which is tucked into the mattress
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Mopping Tall! Pillow cases, which go over the headboard (just kidding - methinks you can figure out where they go, silly boy!) The first thing you have to do is remove the old sheets. Pull back the blankets, grab a good portion of the top sheet, and pull. If you don't grab a good portion of the top sheet, you may rip it, getting yourself ripped in the process. Actually, if I wasn't such a lazy bastard, I'd tell you to pick up the mattress at the foot of the bed with one hand and pull the sheet out with the other. But that would take too much time to write, so I'm taking a short cut. Next, remove the bottom sheet. This piece usually has elasticized corners, so just lift off each corner, one at a time. Oops, I almost forgot - remove the pillow cases from the pillows. Estimated task time: 5 minutes Well done! That's it. Time to go! (I bet you're wondering what to do with the clean set of sheets. Stay tuned!)
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Chapter 6: What To Do with an Old Pizza Box Here's what you'll need: An old pizza box (the chapter would be useless without it, don't you think?) THE PROCEDURE: Throw it out, for crying out loud! Do I have to tell you everything? Estimated task time: 2.6 seconds (What the hell does this have to do with clean sheets? Well, have you ever tried sleeping on a pizza box? Now flip that page!)
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Bottom of the Seventh: What Were We Talking About Before the Pizza Box Came Into Play? Do you really think I'd leave you high and dry with the sheets? Nahh. After all, you were kind enough to buy my book. The least I can do is help you in your quest for clean bedding. Here's what you'll need: Whatever it was that you needed two chapters back THE PROCEDURE (Part II): Anyway, once the bed is stripped (pant, pant), it's time to put on the clean sheets. Start with the bottom sheet, you remember, the one with the elasticized corners. Make sure there are two corners at each end, and tuck these over the mattress. Don't be afraid to give these corners an extra tug - they stretch and are pretty durable. And, there's no excess to worry about. If the corners aren't elasticized, put the sheet lengthwise on the bed, making sure there's an even amount of excess on both ends and on both sides. Tuck in this excess. Put the top sheet on top (where else?) of the newly installed sheet, following the same rules for evenness as above. Do likewise with any blankets. At the head of the bed, fold back the upper sheet and blankets so they are about a foot from the headboard. Tuck the sheets and blankets under the mattress at the foot of the bed, and tuck them in along the sides all the way to the fold. Case the pillows. Put your nighty garments under your pillow and your spouse's under her pillow, unless you’re both into that clothes-swapping thing, in which case you should reverse this procedure. Man, you are going to look great in that silk teddy! Are you sure I can't stop by for just one video? Pull the bedspread over this mess all the way to the headboard. Tuck the excess under the pillows. Place any stuffed animals, afghans, and other assorted toys (kinky and nonkinky) on top of the bed or under the bed as appropriate. Estimated task time: 10 - 15 minutes (from start to finish)
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Mopping Tall! It’s party time! Another tough task has gone by the wayside! By the way, don't forget to wash the dirty sheets. It’s best to do the sheets alone, or with a few small items, as they take up a lot of space in the old Maytag. Grab your sombreros, amigos, we’re going to be taking on Laundry next!
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Chapter Number Eight, Carl Yastrzemski: A Laundering Expedition All right, Daddio! Excellent work so far! Now, it’s time to bring some automation into our lives. It’s time to make our whites whiter, our colors brighter, and get the bugs out of our shorts. In short, Jack, it’s time to do the laundry (wash it, that is). Although tradition dictates Monday as laundry day, the fact is that you can do the wash on any given day, preferably after the post-game highlights. Early words of warning: Don't mix colors and whites together. Washing your red cotton tee with your spouse’s white blouse and your best dress shirts can have a very detrimental effect, unless you are both particularly fond of pink. In addition, you should always check the garment label for washing instructions if you have any concerns about putting said garment in a washing machine or dryer. Here's what you'll need: One washing machine One dryer or clothesline Laundry detergent such as Tide, Cheer, Arm and Hammer, or Ajax There's a ton of these products, each with several flavors, such as all-temperature, allnatural, all-star (scratch that), lemon scent, which smells fresh, and fresh scent, which smells like lemon. Select the one that best fits your needs. Fabric softener Pre-wash stain remover, such as Spray 'n' Wash Bleach - There are two kinds of bleach: chlorine bleach, which is for use on white items only, such as sheets, underwear, and towels; and all-purpose bleach, which can be used on any normal fabric, regardless of color. Clorox makes both, in liquid and solid form. Some products, such as Tide with Bleach, combine detergent and bleach, so you don’t need to add it separately. You can use these products with whites and colors. Just follow the instructions on the box. A later word of warning: Chlorine bleach is a buddy, but it's also a racist. It'll do wonders for whites, but destroys colors. Not only that, it also tries to convert garments to its white supremacist ways by removing all color. Guys, this is potent stuff. NEVER use chlorine bleach on colored clothes, unless you want to strip the dyes right out of them. Bleach can blanch anything, including something as tough as dungarees. The strong smell alone should tell you to be careful.
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Mopping Tall! So, while a cup of chlorine will remove those disgusting stains from your sheets (yes, even those pink blotches from that red T-shirt I warned you not to wash with your white bedware), it's best to practice segregation with bleach and keep it with whitey. Author's Note: Segregation at all other times is a three-I deal - Illegal, Immoral, and Ignorant. This message has been brought to you as a public service. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program. Of course, keep bleach and all other washing materials away from the youngsters and pets, not to mention your eyes. (Am I being overly redundant? Well, it's for your own good, so deal with it!) THE PROCEDURE: Contrary to what you may think, a washing machine does not hold all the clothes you can stuff into it. The average washer holds between 14 and 18 pounds of your dirtiest. It's best to separate the laundry into separate loads, for example, clothing, towels, and sheets. Keep whites with whites, colors with colors, and dainties with dainties. If an article of clothing has a particularly nasty stain on it, such as chocolate or blood, you may need to soak it in cold water before washing, or treat it with a stain remover such as Spray 'n' Wash. Make sure that you can use the stain remover only on the article of clothing you are treating, and always follow the instructions on the label. Use about a cup of detergent for a large load. You can mix different brands, Tide and Ajax for example, or stick with one. Just make sure you're using all-purpose detergents as opposed to all-purpose non-dairy coffee creamer. Put the detergent at the bottom of the washer tub (this distributes the soap more evenly throughout the wash), and add the laundry. Throw in a capful of fabric softener. There should be a cup for it at the top of the agitator. That's the big thing in the middle of the washer tub. Add two capfuls of water. Add _ cup powdered bleach to the detergent at the bottom of the washer tub. Or, pour _ to _ cup liquid bleach into its specially marked dispenser. (Make sure the bleach is safe for colors if the stuff you are washing has pigmentation.) Can’t find the dispenser? No wonder…that’s the dryer, dude! Try the other big square device. No dispenser there, either? Then just wait until the tub has filled with water and pour it in yourself. Set the load size (“large” and “extra-large” are the safest bets). Select the water temperature as indicated by your cleaning products and garment instructions. I've always been partial to products that work in warm water, so I usually do a warm wash and a cold rinse. Next, set the cycle, which is the speed and intensity of the agitator. Use “regular” unless you're washing dainties, AKA overpriced women's underwear that breaks apart in a strong breeze. Use the “gentle” cycle for these. Set the timer for a “normal” wash, unless the stuff is particularly gross, in which case you should use “heavy-duty”, “intense”, or whatever the setting is for clothing so vile it borders on radioactive.
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A Helpful Hint: Your machine’s settings may differ from those above. If so, simply use this information as a guideline. Since the settings themselves are fairly easy to figure out, you shouldn’t have any serious problems. Give the washer a good 30-45 minutes, unload the clean, and put in the next batch of the dirty. Hang laundered items on the clothesline (good weather) or chuck them in the dryer (bad weather). Dryers are more forgiving than washers. They'll easily handle the load you just removed from the washer. They're also much easier to operate. Opt for an automatic, “normal” drying cycle (every dryer has one). If you want to use the timer, set it for an hour per load. Yet another word of warning: Some fabrics, such as wool or non-preshrunk 100 percent cotton, may shrink when placed in a dryer. Always check the garment label for both washing and drying instructions. I know I said this earlier, but like I said the last time I repeated myself in this chapter, it's for your own good so deal with it! You’ll thank me for saving your wife’s best blouse from the Shrinkage Monster, and saving you from another trip down Apparel Alley! Once the wash is complete, really impress your other half by cleaning out the filters in the washer and dryer. The filter in the washer (if it has one) is usually housed in the agitator (you remember what that is, right?). Pull gently on the top of the agitator. If it comes out, look for screen-like material. This is the filter. To clean it, simply run it under cold water. Don’t worry about drying it. If the top of the agitator does not come out easily, chances are that the filter is selfcleaning. Stop pulling your agitator (sounds obscene, doesn’t it?) and move on to the dryer. The dryer filter is usually housed in front of the dryer tub. Pop open the door and look down. There should be a plastic device that comes out easily. This is the filter. After a morning of laundry, it is probably loaded with lint. To clean it, gently brush the lint from the filter with your hand and throw it in the wastebasket. The lint, not the filter. Gently, I said. You don’t want to poke a hole in this thing. Easily broken, difficult to replace. A damaged filter necessitates a trip to Special Order Land, that same place you visited when you lost the gas cap on your lawn mower. Estimated task times: Washing - 30 - 45 minutes per load Drying (dryer) - 45 - 60 minutes per load Drying (clothesline) - 2 hours or so, depending on the weather Cleaning the filter – 30 seconds
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Mopping Tall! A Helpful Hint: One of the best things about using a washer and dryer/clothesline is that, since machinery and Mother Nature are doing the bulk of the work, you are free to perform other duties such as prepare dinner, clean a room, or crash on the sofa (one of my personal favorites). So check out the previous and subsequent chapters and decide what activity suits you best. Are you really feeling energetic? Then iron this mess once it comes out of the dryer or off the line. On second thought, save it for later. You've earned a break. Besides, who's going to care if your Fruit-of-the-Looms aren't properly creased?
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Chapter Nine Iron I still haven't figured out ironing, so you're on your own, trooper. Oh, all right. Let's give it a try together. Here's what you'll need: An iorn. That is, an iron (I never could spell that word!) An ironing board (or something long and flat to lie the clothes on) Spray starch (optional) THE PROCEDURE: First, set up the ironing board, which looks like a surfboard with metal legs. Place this baby on the floor, grab it from the middle, and pull it up toward you. The legs should snap into place. If it's too high or too low, pull on it until it releases, then raise or lower it until the legs lock into place. If the iron uses water to make steam, and 99 percent of them do, rest it vertically on the board and pour the water in the opening. No, not through the little holes at the bottom! Through the hole near the control center at the top. A Helpful Hint: If you're ironing polyesters only, you may be able to iron without using steam, by selecting a low setting (see below). Then again, if you're still wearing only polyesters, it's time to take a long, hard look at your wardrobe, disco boy! Select a setting on the iron. Steam (higher) settings are for natural fabrics and linens. Dry (lower) settings are for polyesters and clothes that merely need touching up, as opposed to a full-fledged pressing. Next, plug this oversized doorstop in and turn it on. It should heat up quickly. Some irons even beep when they're ready - how nice of them! If the iron doesn't heat up, it's probably broken - or unplugged. Check that power cord! Place the garment to be pressed on the ironing board. Always place a garment so there is nothing between the area to be pressed and the ironing board. For example, if you are ironing the front of a shirt, make sure that a sleeve is not underneath the shirt (and resting on the board). Otherwise, it’s wrinkle city. Press ONLY linens, cottons, wool, polyesters, and blends. (Always check the instruction label on a garment before ironing!) To avoid scalding, use a moderate setting and don't let the iron stay in one spot for too long when pressing. To further avoid scalding, and to aid in the process, you may want to dampen cottons, blends, and linens
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Mopping Tall! (using the iron's spray attachment or a spray bottle) before pressing. For wool, place a damp cloth over the garment, then iron it. A Helpful Hint: Always use water for spraying and dampening. Maple syrup just doesn’t work. Whatever you do, don't even think of pressing your wife's New Year's Eve party dress, unless, of course, you threw it in the washer and ruined it completely. In this case, you might as well finish the job. Iron it, then throw it away, claiming you never saw it and can't remember what it looks like. Insanity is also a valid defense. Regardless, it'll cost you in the end. Another new dress, matching purse and shoes, maybe a perm and a manicure. Not to mention what you’ll have to get for your wife. But since she's raking in the cash, don't complain. Just say, “Whatever makes you happy, darling!” And you won't ever have to worry about lost dresses or fancy fabrics again, because you won't be allowed within 50 feet of any article of clothing that didn’t come out of the dollar bin. Lucky you! Iron the sleeves of a shirt or blouse, followed by the collar, then the main body of the garment. Press pants the same way you put them on, one leg at a time. Some people like to use starch on certain garments. That's cool. Make sure you use the spray-on kind (starch, that is, not garments). Spritz some on the garment, roll it up (yes, I am serious here), let it stand for a minute or two, then unroll and press. You could just spray and iron, but the starch tends to accumulate on the iorn, DAMMIT, the iron, so make sure you clean it off if you don't follow the roll-up procedure. Don't worry about socks, most heavy sweaters, sheets, undergarments, handkerchiefs, or hats. If ironing these things is a major cause of anxiety in your life, you obviously have too much time on your hands. Re-read the want ads or volunteer at your church, your children's school, or your local fire station. (You always wanted to ride that big red engine and ring that silver bell, didn't you?) When the pressing is done, get the hangers out, and hang the garments in their proper places, or place them in their proper drawers. Above all, UNPLUG THE IRON! Unless, of course, you plan to do one of the following: 1. Burn your house to the ground. 2. Make a really great grilled cheese sandwich Estimated task time:
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Mopping Tall! 30 minutes per laundry load A Helpful Hint: Say you have a job interview. (“Okay, I have a job interview.”) Say you need to iron something for the interview. (“I need to iron something for the interview.”) Now say your ATM number and PIN, and pass that card over to me. It was worth a try. Now that our little conversation is over, let’s get back to the helpful hint. You have a job interview. Everything is wrinkled. What to do? First off, take your suit into the bathroom. Hang it well away from the tub. Turn the water in the tub on high and hot. The steam should remove most of the wrinkles from the suit. As far as the shirt goes, iron only the portion that is visible when you are wearing your suit coat. Don’t worry about any other rumples, since no one will see them. Just make sure to keep that suit coat on lest the wrinkles show their ugly face. Lastly, pick out a tie with the fewest creases. Make sure it matches everything else, and give it a quick once-over with the iron. Another day, another task completed. Good job! Now it's off to the kitchen for some serious between-meal sustenance. (A snack wouldn't be a bad idea, either.) A Final, Helpful Hint: Are you SURE you unplugged the iron?
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Chapter 18 Minus 12 Plus 5 Minus 1: A Clear View Nobody likes to do windows, especially if yours are the old creaky type. However, if you do this job, I can almost guarantee you three weeks of TV freedom and two of your favorite dinners (maybe more, since you're the one that's most likely doing the cooking). Here's what you'll need: Window cleaner, such as Windex Some old rags or newspapers Or, you can use the aforementioned disposable glass wipes, which combine the above two items into a single product. Ain’t technology grand! (Ain’t my editor going to have a fit with that last sentence, not to mention a few others….) A Helpful Hint: To avoid streaking windows, wipe the glass cleaner off with newspaper. It works wonders! Another Helpful Hint: To avoid streaking people, keep your clothes on at all times, especially when doing windows. Nude bathing is acceptable. Nude window cleaning is not. Neither is nude hedge trimming. THE PROCEDURE - OVERALL: The cleaning procedure is actually very simple. Spray a spritz of glass cleaner on the window, or use a disposable glass wipe. Wipe with a clean rag or piece of newspaper. Repeat for the other side of the window. And it's off to the next pain, er, pane. Done. However, it's getting to the other side that's not so simple. If you have the tilt-in type of windows, you're in luck with a capital L. (Should I have written “you're in Luck”, instead? Okay, I will.) If you have the tilt-in type of windows, you're in Luck with a capital L (much better). Like rainbows, remotes, and the self-cleaning oven, tilt-ins are a direct gift from God and should be treated as such.
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THE PROCEDURE - TILT-IN WINDOWS: Spray the inside of the windows with window cleaner or use a disposable glass wipe and wipe dry. (Why do I have the feeling I’ve said this before?) Press the two top buttons on either side of the window frame, or press against the flexible runners on either side of the pane. The glass should tilt in (toward you). Hold the frame while you clean the glass. Raise and click the pane back into place. Repeat for each window. Estimated task time: 3 minutes per window If you start early, you should be finished in time for lunch. THE PROCEDURE - NON-TILT-IN WINDOWS: If you don't have tilt-in windows (you poor bastard!) you have my deepest sympathies. Follow these painful but effective steps: Clean the inside windows first as outlined in THE PROCEDURE - OVERALL. Then grab your stepladder and polish the outside windows, following the same guidelines. BE VERY CAREFUL. Naturally, if you're on the first floor, you won't need to ladder yourself very much unless Danny DeVito seems a tad tall to you. However, once you get to the upper floors, it will be necessary to step up to the plate glass. Now, if your reaction to heights is similar to that of Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo, you should consider passing on cleaning the upper windows, or try to clean as many as you can from the inside (long arms are an asset in this case). After all, it’s housework, not a life and death struggle to counteract The Curse of the Bambino, so don’t treat it as such. As long as you give this undertaking (and all subsequent challenges) your best effort, you can always walk proud and mop tall! Estimated task time: 1/2 day (minimum) Now that everything is crystal clear, let’s move on. Are you ready for a real he-man challenge? Then turn the page. Uh, no, the pageturning is not the he-man challenge. If it were that simple, I'd be Mr. Universe instead of a body double for the Pillsbury Doughboy.
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Chapter 3 (binary) 11 (decimal) B (hex) : Closet Spaced This is where we separate the men from the boys. Changing closets is a tough, thankless, and downright brutal semi-annual task, which is why we always left it to our moms and spouses. It takes a special kind of guts to wander into a crowded closet and try to determine what stays and what gets packed away. Face it, if you're claustrophobic, you want no part of this job. Leave it to the pros (“Hello, mom? Can you come over and give me a hand?”) Capture a desert rattler with your teeth instead. It may sting, but at least you're in the wide-open spaces. Anyway, let's assume that spring is in the air (better check out that mattress if this is the literal case). It's time to pack away the heavy bulky items of the winter for the cool cottons of the summer solstice. First of all, ask your wife where these items are if you don't know. If you live in a big multi-closeted domicile, chances are they're packed away in some upstairs location. However, if your residence consists of three rooms or less, they're probably underfoot, right next to that unopened 12-pack of birch beer. Okay, you've found the spring and summer clothing. Great job, Holmes! Let's get unpacking. Here's what you’ll need: Storage boxes (you may be able to use the boxes that the other set of clothes is stored in) THE PROCEDURE: Unpack those shirts, blouses, pants, and dresses. Place them in a handy location, such as on top of your bed, seeing as how you're most likely to store your clothing in the bedroom. However, if you’re a tad on the weird side, you're probably storing your underwear in the VCR and your wife's dainties with the frozen peas. (Are you really sure that I can't come over for just one quick video?) But, if you're like most of us overtaxed individuals, the bedroom closets and dressers are where it's at, clothing-wise. Check through all the winter stuff and pack those items away in the boxes you've just emptied. Chances are your wife has labeled these containers “pants”, “sweaters”, etc. Follow her lead and store the winter items in the boxes that most closely match the descriptions on them. If there are none, feel free to label the boxes yourself.
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Mopping Tall! Make sure you use clear and descriptive language. DON'T use code words to describe the items in the boxes, because, if you're like most of us, you will have forgotten their meaning by the time you are ready to unpack them (what does “Gibblfx” stand for anyway?). Okay, the summer clothes have been freed from their cardboard prisons. What’s next? Putting them away, naturally. T-shirts, short pants, and the like can fit into dresser drawers. The items that you don't want too wrinkly, such as blouses, shirts, pants, and dresses, should be hung, as should jackets, coats, and horse thieves. If you're feeling energetic, press those items that really need a flattening. Use an iron, not your '65 Rambler. See Chapter 9. When in doubt as to where to put clothing, check with your wife, as she is probably the only person on earth who has any idea where these things go. She may also use a system of her own that's as crazy as anything you could concoct, but works for her. Make it work for yourself as well. Tap her mind for this vital information. Additionally, it's always a good idea to have a couple of extra empty boxes on hand, as winter clothing normally takes up more room than the summer stock. And always double-check with your wife before packing anything away. There may be a coldweather item or two that she wants to keep unpacked such as a favorite dress, or wishes to put into cold storage, such as a fur coat or your golf clubs. Now let's pretend that autumn has crept over the horizon. What should you do? That's right, dude, reverse THE PROCEDURE - pack away the light stuff and replace it with winter's heavies. How easy can it get? Estimated task time: 1/2 day You've achieved true manhood! You've taken on the closets of the season and have prevailed! Bartender - Yoo-Hoos all around, and a double one for my pal over here! Suck it down slowly, my friend, 'cause we're heading into the kitchen next.
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Chapter Square Root of 144: Kitchen Kitsch Ah, the kitchen. If you could only hang a wide-screen teevee, move your favorite recliner, and install a porta-potty here, there would never be a reason to leave. Still, you do spend a substantial part of your life in this place, be it mealing, snacking, or beering. If you're like most American males, you also spend a great deal of time messing up this room, so it's only fair that you give it a cleansing once in a while. This is a tough job, amico, not meant for the squeamish or faint of heart. Feel up to it? Excellent! Let’s get started. The Stove We'll get into using this bad boy for food preparation in the next chapter (bet you can't wait!). For now, let's concentrate on cleaning it. Here's what you'll need: A stove cleaner or all-purpose kitchen appliance cleaner. (Some stoves, such as those using radiant heat, may require a specific product, so be advised!) Soap and water or an all-purpose cleaner, such as Mr. Clean. Don’t worry, it’s a product name. You don’t have to drag some big guy into your kitchen and bribe him to clean off your slop. Though I have to admit that the dude on the bottle is one cool hombre. He was wearing an earring before they became status quo for men, pirates excluded. Cleaning cloth THE PROCEDURE: Apply the cleaner to the surface of the stove, and, with a cloth, apply some serious elbow grease. Ta da! Your stove is now a beautiful light beige, not burned-to-a-crisp black and marinara red. Of course, if your stove was brown to begin with, you might have scrubbed just a little too hard. Don't forget to remove all the removables (such as the grills) and clean them off as well. Be careful not to turn on the burners while you're cleaning. This could char-broil your domicile and put a serious dent in your housekeeping fun. As far as the oven goes, don't worry - it's probably self-cleaning. If not, invest in a new stove. You'll thank me later.
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Mopping Tall! To clean the burners, simply turn them on and let the heat burn off any caked crud. When most of the gunk is burned away, shut the burners off. After you can touch them without shrieking (you did turn them off, didn’t you?), but before they cool down completely (about 5-10 minutes after shutdown), clean off any remaining residue with your trusty cleaning cloth, a little household cleaner or soap and water, and some of your famous manly muscle. Hey, don’t forget overhead! Clean the stove hood with a household cleaner or soap and water. Estimated task time: 15 - 30 minutes, depending on the messiness of the situation The Refrigerator First of all, the only thing moving in here should be a live lobster. If you spot any other mobile entities, leave the house immediately and call 911. Let the pros handle this. Here's what you'll need: Plain old soap and water All-purpose kitchen cleaner (optional) Baking soda, such as Arm and Hammer Sponge or cleaning cloth THE PROCEDURE: Except for certain fruits and vegetables, green is a color we do not want to associate with food. Put on those heavy-duty rubber gloves and chuck out any green meats, breads, and dairy products, unless it's St. Patrick's Day and you know how to use food coloring. Green gelatin is fine, as long as the flavor is lime and not grape or orange. And if the milk container moves on its own and the inside smells like month-old road kill, dump it out immediately. If you don't, within a week it will take over the refrigerator, for starters. Then it will make ridiculous demands that you will have no choice but to obey. (Insert dream-sequence harp introduction here.) “YOU! Yeah you! The dude with the mop! Move your stuff out of the garage…I’m moving in!” “But we don’t have a garage,” you inform the spoiled milk. “THEN BUILD ONE, THEN GET OUT!” the milk replies. (Insert dream-sequence harp finale here.) Have I been watching too much Sci-Fi channel?
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Mopping Tall! Remove all other items from the refrigerator and give those shelves a washing down with soap and water. Dry with a towel if necessary. Clean the outside of the fridge with soap and water or an all-purpose cleaner. (There’s that guy Mr. Clean again. Maybe he can deal with the spoiled milk as well.) Don't forget to change the baking soda at least twice a year. Baking soda absorbs some of those unwieldy odors that can make your refrigerator smell like a compost heap. A word of warning: Whatever you do, don't confuse baking soda with baking powder. Baking powder usually comes in a can and adds flavor to your muffins. Baking soda comes in a yellow box with a red label, and the brand name is usually Arm and Hammer. Don't even think of putting it in your cookies, though a teaspoon does wonders in de-acidizing gravy (the Italian tomato variety, not the brown American stuff). It also removes battery acid and brightens teeth. A truly amazing product. I gave my wife a case of it at Christmas. She gives me deodorant. She has glistening white teeth and I smell nice. On such a solid foundation is a happy marriage built. Dishes Don't be intimidated by that pile of junk in the sink. You can obliterate these babies with some hot water, dish-washing detergent, and more good, old-fashioned elbow grease. Or you can take the easy way out and use a dishwasher. Automatic Washing Ah, you have a dishwasher…ssssssssswwwwwweeeeeeeeeeetttttttt! Here's what you'll need: Dishwasher detergent Drying solution such as Jet Dry THE PROCEDURE: Rinse the heavy gunk off the dishes, pots, pans, and utensils. (Why we wash dishes before putting them into a dishwasher is still a mystery to me, but I suppose it's like taking a shower before going into a swimming pool.) Note that some dishwashers have the capacity to do pots and pans and fine china. Others do not. If your dishwasher is a “do not,” you'll have to wash these by hand. If your dishwasher is a “do”, auto-wash these at your discretion. Place all items to be cleansed in the dishwasher. Add the dishwasher detergent to the applicable dispensers (main wash, pre-wash, etc.). Fill them _ to _ full. If you are using dishwashing tablets, forget the fractions and simply place a tablet in the appropriate dispenser, per instructions (usually the main wash dispenser).
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A Helpful Hint: Don't overdo it with the dishwasher detergent - your glassware may develop a telltale white stripe over time, the result of too much of a good thing. A Hintful Help: Only do a pre-wash if the dishes are especially gross. Otherwise, stick with a main wash only. You may want to add a drying solution such as Jet Dry. Products such as these are used to help the dishes dry without leaving spots. They even have their very own dispenser in the dishwasher. Again, make sure not to overfill. Program the dishwasher. Trust me, it’s easier than a VCR. Use a “Normal” wash mode (or something similar) for a regular wash, “Pots and Pans” (if available) for pans and pots, and “Light/China/Dainty” (if available) for delicates. It’s probably best to wash the really good china by hand. (Check out the Helpful Hint next to “The Microwave.” Don’t worry, you’ll find it.) Like I said a few paragraphs back, use your discretion. Additionally, you may need to set the water temperature, the drying mode (“Energy Saver” or “Heated”, for example), and the cycle, which usually matches the wash mode you set above. Follow the recommendations of the dishwashing product you are using. If no such information is available (gasp!), then take your best shot, which is kind of like using your own discretion. All set? Then give that baby a start! Your mess will soon be just an unpleasant memory. Oh yeah, don't forget to put the dishes away when they’re done. You may want to wait until the next day to make sure they are completely dry. Estimated task time: 60 - 90 minutes (5 of which will require your personal attention) Another Helpful Hint: This is another task that allows you to do other chores. Plus, since it's best to let the dishes stand for at least half a day to make sure they dry properly, you can handle a BIG job such as washing windows, mowing the lawn, raking the yard, or plastering the ceiling. Just make sure you're done in time to fix dinner! Manual Washing If you are the dishwasher, get ready for a date with hot soapy water! Dress accordingly. Here's what you'll need:
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Mopping Tall! Dishwashing detergent, such as Dawn, Ivory, Palmolive, or Ajax Sponge Soap pads, such as Brillo (pink) or SOS (blue) Plastic gloves (to keep your hands sandpaper soft) THE PROCEDURE: Slip on those plastic gloves, if desired. Place the dirty dishes, pots and pans, and utensils in the sink. Fill the sink about halfway with warm water (single bowl sink) or 3/4 way (doublebowl sink) and add 3 squirts of dishwashing liquid. Make sure you squirt in the dishwashing liquid as the water is filling the sink (not after the sink is filled). Note that the detergent for the dishwasher is different than the stuff used for washing dishes by hand. Don't confuse them! If you put regular dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher, sensible as it sounds, your kitchen will probably resemble center stage at a Lawrence Welk revival (“Turn off the bubble machine boys!”). Dishwasher detergent consists of solid crystals. It does not work in a sink. Simple enough, right? Let the dishes soak for a couple of minutes, then clean each one individually with a wet sponge. (You can give the sponge a squirt of dishwashing liquid as well.) Get those tough stains off with one of those pink or blue soap pads. These are usually found somewhere under the sink, along with the dishwashing liquid. Rinse well. If using a single-bowl sink, make sure you don't overflow the sucker. If using a double-bowl sink, rinse the dishes over the empty bowl. Dry with a dish towel, or let stand until dry in the dish drainer. That's the square wirey-looking basket thing or wooden gizmo that's usually to the right of the sink, unless, of course, your wife is left-handed or a democrat, in which case it's probably off to the port side. If your wife is ambidextrous, this thing could be anywhere. Try the laundry room. It may be doubling as a clothes basket or a doggie bed, woof woof. Don't forget to put the dishes, pots, pans, and utensils away! Estimated task time: 10 - 45 minutes, depending on the size of your load (all of which will require your personal attention) Just One More Helpful Hint, I promise: If you've scrubbed a plate for 30 minutes and it still looks dirty, STOP IMMEDIATELY. You're probably trying to rub out the pattern. So I Lied - Here's a Final Helpful Hint (next to “The Microwave,” as promised): It's probably best not to wash the good china in a dishwasher, as it could chip. Just to be safe, wash fine china by hand very carefully. Should you break a piece for any reason, just tell
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Mopping Tall! your wife you used the dishwasher, and that you didn't know any better. Chances are you'll be forgiven (unless she's heard it all before - this is a one-time-only alibi) and once again man will triumph over machine! The Microwave Another gift from God that ranks with the pop-top. Whoever devised this appliance should receive a lifetime supply of chocolate cupcakes for their efforts. This baby makes Cordon Bleu chefs out of us all, and heroes to our families. Even folks who can't boil water can cook like Julia Child or Paul Prudhomme. All you have to do is read the instructions on the package, set the power level and timer, and go! Success! A word of warning: DON'T put aluminum foil in the microwave. You'll wreak more havoc than you can imagine. Make that two: If you wear a pacemaker, it's best to avoid this device altogether. Prepare dinner the old-fashioned way - call for quick delivery. Or use the oven. There are frozen meals out there that can be oven-prepared to make you look like a regular Emeril Lagasse (BAM!). They just take a tad longer to prepare than in the microwave. Of course, the microwave must be cleaned out at least once every two weeks, more if you're a quick-cooking addict. Here's what you'll need: A soft, damp cloth THE PROCEDURE: Use the cloth to clean the inside and the outside of the microwave. If you want to get fancy, use a suitable all-purpose cleaner. Just make sure you clean the microwave thoroughly and wipe up any excess cleaner or those nuked nachos may have a funky flavor the next time you push the button, Frank. If your microwave has a glass tray on the inside, wash this separately by hand as you would a dish (see above), dry, and replace. Estimated task time: 5 - 10 minutes, depending on your thoroughness Floors and Countertops Lest we forget, remember when cleaning the kitchen to take care of the floor and countertops.
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Mopping Tall! Here's what you'll need: Sponge Soap and water All-purpose disinfecting wipes A dishtowel THE PROCEDURE - Floors: Consult Chapter 3 for floor-cleaning facts. (Gee, that was quick!) THE PROCEDURE - Countertops: As far as countertops go, a quick wipe with a damp sponge should suffice. If they're really grungy, give them a little soap, water, and sponge action, then wipe them dry with a dish towel, or just use an all-purpose disinfecting wipe. Estimated task time: 5 minutes for countertops Last, but not Least: The Garbage Disposal This poor soul is probably the most misunderstood appliance in the house. Most people either overuse it or underuse it. Granted, it does more than you think, but not that much more. A garbage disposal is great for ridding your home of, well, garbage. Stuff like vegetable pieces and certain leftovers. For optimum use, turn on the faucet, let cold water run for about 10 seconds, activate the disposal, and spoon the refuse into oblivion. When you’re finished, power down, then run the water for an additional 10 seconds to cool the mechanism. Pretty straightforward, right? Then why do so many people have problems with disposals? Perhaps it’s because they confuse them with a trash compactor. Garbage disposals can handle many items with aplomb. However, there are certain things you just can’t throw down for chomping. While you may get away with disposalizing one or two egg shells, a dozen will wreak havoc. So will any fruit or vegetable skins. Meat? Nahh…. The bottom line is, read the instructions, and always run the water 10 seconds before and after using the garbage disposal. And keep those fingers out! A Helpful Hint: If your disposal should begin to smell like refuse, try dumping in a box of baking soda or use a product like Disposer Care, which cleans and deodorizes.
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Oh great – you’ve clogged the disposal. Try clearing it with the help of the selfservice disposal wrenchette. Insert the wrenchette in the bottom of the disposal unit under the sink, and turn. No luck, huh? Then call a plumber. So how’s it going so far? You’re maintaining your sanity? Excellent! Once again, it's time to move on to the next chapter. Stay right where you are and GO!
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Chapter the 13th: The Heat is On I promised you we'd get into using this bad boy called the stove. Don't worry about looking for a “Here's what you'll need” section, or THE PROCEDURE. This chapter merely explains this piece of machinery that turns cold ground beef, canned tomatoes, spices, and beans into hot chili. (How’s that for a quick recipe?) A stove is a relatively simple cooking tool. The burners on top are for pans and pots. This is where you can boil, cook, or simmer vegetables, fry eggs or meats (fatty as hell, but delicious), boil water for macaroni, tea, etc. The oven is that thing below. You may even have two of them sandwiching the stove. Use this handy little device for broiling and baking. What's the difference between broiling and baking, you ask? Let's roll out the facts: A broiler tops out at 500 degrees, and can be set low or high, depending on how much time you have to prepare the meal and the size of your kill. It is used mainly for steaks, chops, chicken and fish. Game meats, such as venison, elk, or buffalo should also be broiled. Don’t be shy about trying some of this more exotic fare. Buffalo, in particular, is very tasty, low-fat, and cooks as easy as a steak. Most baking is usually done between 325 and 400 degrees; you regulate the temperature. Roasts, turkeys, and cakes are baked; chicken and fish, those flexible flyers, can also be prepared in this manner. When baking, set the temperature as indicated above, unless you are following instructions that indicate otherwise. Flames from a gas broiler are visible, as they usually shoot out of either side of the unit. Oven gas flames are not, as they are covered by a sheet of metal. (Electric stoves have no flame action. Glowing filaments are the word with these cookers.) Some Helpful Cooking Hints: Chicken is cooked when the meat near the bone is no longer red. Pork should be white throughout. Be especially careful when cooking pork or chicken. Undercook the Colonel’s favorite fare or the other white meat and you may feel a tad queasy. Still, that shouldn't deter you from enjoying a bit of fried Foghorn or smoked Porky. Just make sure you cook it thoroughly. As far as turkeys and roasts go, give them each about 20 minutes to the pound. Better yet, ask your mother, like I do. Moms, saints that they are, always know the best ways to season and properly cook these monsters.
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Mopping Tall! Whitefish, such as haddock or flounder, flakes when it is ready. You should bake or broil most fish, with a couple of exceptions, as noted below. Lobsters, those big, tasty bugs, should be steamed in about three inches of boiling water. Or, you can boil a pot of water, lightly salted, and prepare the crustaceans thusly. (Don’t forget to cover the pot, or those guys will escape and be off for the Maritimes before you know it.) In either case, 10-15 minutes should do it. When the lobster is a solid red all over, its goose is cooked. If possible, try to remove the rubber claw holders before cooking a lobster, but take heed – those little claws can break fingers. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way. These guys are going to pissed enough at you when you throw them in for their final Jacuzzi. You should also steam steamers (hence the name) and mussels on the stove. Again, 10-15 minutes or so should so it. Better to overcook fish a little bit than to undercook it. If you dig veggies (and who doesn’t, except for corn farmers, who use pickers), you are in luck. Most vegetables can be prepared in a variety of ways. Take that noble starch staple, the potato. You can bake it, fry it, boil it, prepare it in a casserole, nuke it in the microwave, or mix it with chocolate. Yes, I’m serious. The Potato Museum on Canada’s Prince Edward Island has a recipe for fudge that is made with potatoes. Contact them for the recipe, or better yet, pay them a visit. They’re located in the town of O’Leary, near the west coast. If you’re lucky, they may have a sample for you to try. Trust me, it’s way better than anything you’ll sample at the Museum of Succotash. Now that we’ve returned from the Dominion, let’s get back to vegetables. If you want to keep things simple, boil or steam fresh green beans, squash, spinach, broccoli, asparagus, or cauliflower. Try frying up some onions and peppers with a touch of olive oil and a dash of garlic powder. Or slice, bread, and bake some zucchini and serve with salsa. Keep in mind that fresh is better, but canned or frozen isn’t bad out of season. Don’t boil the canned stuff – just heat and serve. For frozen, follow the instructions on the package. In Case of Failure.... If your gas stove or oven does not turn on, chances are the pilot light is out. You'll have to check your instructions for the location of the pilot lights. There's usually one or two for the stove, one for the oven, and one for the broiler. A Word of Warning: Always use caution when re-igniting pilots. If there is a strong gas smell DO NOT LIGHT ANYTHING, not even a lamp. If you're certain there is no leak and no danger (and you better be damn sure) then you can chance relighting the pilot. If this fails, and the stove and oven do not ignite, then ask yourself one very important question: Have I paid the gas bill this month? If you have, then ask yourself another question: Do we use bottled gas? If yes, then maybe it's time to get the tank refilled.
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Mopping Tall! Still nothing? Then riddle me this - Is your stove electric? A-ha! If so, is it plugged in? Is a fuse blown or a circuit broken? Is there power in the neighborhood? What’s that? Your neighbor’s stereo is blaring and lights are on all over the place, but your house is darker than film noir? Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the electric bill, you naughty boy! No wonder the refrigerator is the only thing generating heat in the house – you’ve been cut off! And why is that? Because utility companies have all the sense of humor of a TV-movie psychopath, only without the gentle touch. If the power is out, don’t fret. You can always use your grill. What can be more fun in the middle of February than shoveling a path to the grill, wiping off the snow, and freezing your butt off because, as is the case with the bottled gas for the stove, the tank is empty. Well, there’s always charcoal. By the way, if you can't tell an electric stove from a gas stove, remember this: An electric stove has coil-like burners that glow when ignited. Gas stoves have that old trueblue flame (unless your stove is really dirty, in which case it's yellow or orange. Better clean that sucker. Flip back to Chapter 12. Uh, you better turn off the stove first.) Now that our hot stove session is completed, let's move on. You're doing great! Keep up the good work, brother!
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Into the Fourteenth: Where's the Beef? (Try the Meat Department) Bummer! The cupboard is bare. Your supply of sustenance is down to 1/4 bag of Snackwells (horrors!) and _ can of Wild Cherry Pepsi. Fret not, noveau househusband! You are about to embark on a trip to Disneyland for la bonza. Yep, it's time for a trip to the Supermarket, and I don't mean Waldo's Friendly Mart on the corner of Main and Elm. You're in the big leagues now. Hop in the car and truck on down to the land of shopping carts and fresh breads, of free samples (YES!) and triple coupons. Here's what you'll need: Shopping list Coupons Shopping bags (optional - some stores offer a discount if you bring your own shopping bags. Besides, it's good for the environment, if you are so inclined.) Method of payment THE PROCEDURE: First of all, and this is important, DON'T GO HUNGRY! Trust me on this one. Arrive starving or stoned and your shopping cart will resemble a close-out bin in the cookie section of the Nabisco Factory Store. Have a handful of something, be it M&M's, Cocoa Puffs, or Dog Yummies. Just as long as it's sweet. This will curb your appetite and allow you to shop in a relatively normal manner instead of like the good Catholic who gives up pastries for Lent and has now arrived at a doughnut shop at 12:01 on Easter morning. Don't forget those coupons! Most stores now offer up to triple the value of the coupon, so it's always a good idea to clip and save. Just don't get too carried away. Granted, 2 bucks off dog food is wonderful, but not if your house pet is a goldfish. (Care to guess who will wind up eating those meaty chunks in their own delicious beefy gravy?) When should you shop? Early in the morning on a weekday is a good time, although some of the store’s cupboards may be bare, since there may not have been ample time to stock them. Try around 9 AM, and you should do just fine. When not to go? Mid-afternoon to early evening, weekend days, and the day before a holiday or a major storm. In a word, mob scene (okay, two words). Keep in mind who you're shopping for. This is where kids are wonderful. You can pile in the Hostess merchandise (use the formula one for them, two for me) and blame it
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Mopping Tall! on the little rug rats when questioned by the Food Gestapo, AKA your former blushing bride. Make sure you check fruits and vegetables carefully. Look for bumps, bruises, and small holes on things like apples, pears, and tomatoes. Make sure lettuce is firm and relatively green. Don't buy bananas that are too ripe, unless you intend to use them right away. Pull the husk down (not off) on corn on the cob. Poke a kernel. If moisture comes out, you've found a winner. Check meats for fat. This nasty artery clogger hides in even the nicest cut of meat. Scrutinize the entire slab before buying. If packaging prevents this, just do the best you can. Chicken can be a real pain in the keister. Just remember that the yellower the skin is, the better the bird. (In looking for a yellow chicken, does that mean you're keeping your eyes peeled for - BAD PUN ALERT - a “chicken” chicken? [OOH, THAT WAS AWFUL!!] You see, “yellow” is also a slang synonym for cowardly and...oh, never mind!) Make sure that the fish is fresh. Find out when the establishment receives its delights from the sea. When buying scallops, ask if they’re “wet” or “dry”. Wet scallops have been soaking in water, so you get fewer per pound. Granted, you may get some weird looks, but any fish vendor worth his salt will appreciate your query, and won’t think that you’re all wet. Check closely the expiration dates on bread, milk, eggs, and other baked goods and dairy products. You’re paying enough for them! Watch for specials. Normally, with the purchase of $10 or more, you can get necessities like toilet paper for 25 cents a roll. Take advantage! Your better half will think you're a genius, or at least, competent. DON'T buy goods in dented or bulging cans. Your stomach and immune system will thank you later. And don't forget the non-food items, such as soap pads, the aforementioned toilet paper (something you can never have too much of), and our old friend baking soda. It's check-out time. Pick either the shortest line or an aisle with professional shoppers, that is, people who look like they know why they’re here. Forget the express line. You had your 12 items before you left the bakery. Or was it the beer aisle? When scouting for check-out, beware of those with calculators, writing checks, or cautiously using debit cards. These yahoos always seem to operate at 28K in a DSL world, so avoid them at checkout like a barium enema. And remember, “Paper or plastic” refers to your choice of grocery container, not your method of payment. Do yourself and everyone else in line a favor and use that forgotten perennial, ca$h. You’ll save time, and avoid brain-damaging bookkeeping. As noted previously, if you're the environmentally conscious type, you probably brought your own shopping bags and saved a whopping 10 cents off your bill. However, if you forgot, and you still want to give Mother Earth a peck on the cheek, opt for paper.
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Mopping Tall! By the way, make sure that the check-out folks put the crushables, such as bread and eggs, at the top of the bag, and the heavies, such as canned goods, milk, and tonic, er, soda, at the bottom. Once home, pack the stuff away, making certain, as only you can, that the cookies are fresh and the soda has fizz. Make sure to put meats, milk, fish, and other perishables in the refrigerator or freezer, as appropriate. When in doubt as to whether an item is perishable or not, put it in the fridge, anyway. Uh, no, you don’t need to put this week’s TV Guide on ice. Estimated task time: 1 - 2 hours (how much did you buy, anyway?) Well, Big Guy, you've done it! You’ve survived shopping duty! Take a legitimate bicarbonate, destroy all evidence of gluttony, and revel as you emit the belch of shopping success. Well done!
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SECTION AYE-AYE To the Great Outdoors and Beyond Great job on house detail! Those pink doilies are a great touch! Now we’re off to the outside for some of the more manly stuff, you know, those chores and tasks that give you an excuse to drink beer, get grimy, and wear ratty old clothes, just like you do every day. However, this time, you have a legitimate excuse. In this section we’re going to venture to the yard and really give it a good sprucing up. We’re going to cut the lawn, trim the hedges, and do all sorts of other fun stuff guaranteed to get dirt under your fingernails. Make sure to have that cooler handy when you’re done! By the way, if you live in an apartment or on a postage stamp-sized lot, don’t flip forward…come along for the ride!
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Chapter 51 Reversed: Well, Mow Me Down! Ah, the joys of a lush green lawn! When it’s spruced and trimmed, there’s nothing better. However, once that two-day span where everything looks great has passed, it’s time to mosey to the shed or into the basement, and pull out the mower. How can you tell when it’s time to cut the grass? Probably when you can’t see that old oak tree toward the back of your humble estate, you can’t find the kids’ swing set (or the kids), or you can touch the top of the grass from the attic window. These are all pretty good indications that your fescue has achieved critical mass. Here's what you'll need: A lawn mower (naturally) A trimmer (for the stuff along the fence and where the mower can’t reach) Hand clippers (so you won’t run the trimmer over your spouse’s prized rhododendrons) A rake (to use when you forget to attach the bag to the mower) Before you begin, make sure that there is oil in the mower. Otherwise, when you pull the starter or turn the key, you could be in for a seizure. Well, not you, but your mower’s engine. We’ll discuss mower maintenance later in this chapter. What’s that? You have a push mower? I can stick my oil where? Of course, on the blades and the axles, and anywhere else that needs to be slick and smooth. Make sure you use machine oil, not motor oil. THE PROCEDURE: If your mower has a bag that attaches to the unit, fasten it right now. I don’t care if this book was a Christmas gift and there’s three feet of snow on the ground…go out and fasten that %$#@#$% bag right now (oh, the language)! You want to rake all of this stuff up? This bag usually attaches to the rear of the unit where the grass is discharged. Next, let’s take care of fuel. If you are using a push mower, you are self-propelled, so don’t worry about gas or oil. In fact, don’t waste your time reading the next couple of paragraphs. Skip down. Be proactive. (God, how I hate that word! I had to get it in this book once just to let all of you know how much I hate it!) Show the same initiative as political leaders and captains of industry, those who made our country what it is today!
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Mopping Tall! On second thought, never mind…I just remembered what our country is today. If you are using a power mower, make sure its gassed up and ready to go. If you have a moderate-sized yard (1/4 acre or less), you can probably fill the tank about _ full, depending on your mower’s performance. Use more petrol for larger lawns, and less for smaller. Remember, you do not want to leave gas in the mower once you are finished. Gasoline, like bread, can get stale and funky, and may affect the mower’s performance. Burn off anything that you don’t use by running the mower until it poops out. Next, adjust the wheels on the mower to give you the cut that you want. The wheels have levers that allow you to adjust them. The lower the wheels, the closer the cut. While we’d all like to cut the grass as low as we can so we don’t have to trim it every week, sometimes it is best to use a moderate cut, particularly if the grass is new, or during the summer months. If you cut too close to the bone, you may kill the grass (if it’s new growth), or cause the sun to scorch it. Okay, we’re ready to roll. Pull the starter, turn the key, or give the mower a push and let’s play lawn barber! Cut your lawn evenly, either front to back, or left to right. If you want to mess with your nosy neighbor’s mind, make crop circles. In any case, try to get as close to the edge of the lawn as you can, without destroying fences or plants. If the mower stops for some unexplained reason while you’re whiling away, check the fuel level. Chances are the mower is out of gas. If you’re using a push mower, check your fuel level. Chances are that you are out of gas. In either case, add more fuel, be it gasoline for the mower, or a large Italian, hold the pickles for you. If fuel is not the problem, the mower may be clogged, especially if the grass is high. You need to unclog the mower. Before you even THINK of doing this, disconnect the wire that leads to the spark plug; otherwise, the mower could power on, leaving you with several new nickname possibilities, such as “Stubby”, “Charlie Four-Fingers”, or worse, “Lefty.” Make sure to unplug! What’s that? You can’t find the spark plug? That’s because you’re using a push mower, silly boy! Clean around the blades using a brush, broom, anything but your hands. If you are using a riding mower, and the darn thing just won’t move, chances are you’ve had too much beer and don’t realize that you’re stuck against the fence and have burned out the engine. In this case, turn off the mower, go into the house, and take a nap. Just be prepared to catch hell when your wife gets home! Oh, the evils of demon rum! Once you have finished with the mower, use the trimmer and clippers to get the borderline stuff near the fences and plants. Once all of the grass is cut, empty out the bag that you attached last Christmas (aren’t you glad I reminded you?). If you ignored me, chances are there’s cut grass all over your cut grass. If this is your lot, you have two options: either grab a rake and start sweeping this stuff into piles, or leave it to mulch. Should you go the mulch route, and find that it helps the lawn, you may want to consider buying a mulching blade for your power mower. Use the mulching blade in place of the regular cutting blade. It cuts the grass finer, making it more appropriate for
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Mopping Tall! mulching. The blade is usually available at any hardware or home-improvement store that sells lawn mowers. It attaches fairly easily. Again, make sure you disconnect the spark plug before you do any work on the mower. Excellent job, good buddy! The yard looks great! Why not set up the hammock, grab your favorite libation, and savor the fruits of your labor? Between Cuts Okay we’re done with the grass, but I wanted to leave you with some additional information about mower maintenance and lawn care. Use it at your own discretion. Mower Maintenance Most of us have the tendency to simply throw the mower into storage and ignore it until we need it. But mowers have feelings, too. These simple steps will keep your mower running like the Pony Express. Power Mowers Change the oil each season, either in the spring or the fall. Contrary to popular belief, you can store oil in a mower over the winter. At least, that’s what my maintenance guy told me. Sharpen the blades each season. Change the spark plug each season, or, even better, tune up the mower. Clean off the mower after each use, and before putting into storage. Grass, leaves, and other such flora can accumulate and affect performance. Check the condition of the pull starter, and change it every three years or so. You don’t want to have this baby snap just as you’re about to face off against the fescue. If you are putting the mower into storage for the year, and there’s gas in the tank, run the mower until the tank is empty. A definite asset to performance. Store the mower indoors.
Manual Mowers Lubricate the first time you use the mower for the season, then once a month during the cutting season, and one final time before storing it for the season. Sharpen the blades seasonally, and once during the summer if needed. Clean the mower after each use. Store the mower indoors.
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Lawn Care Naturally, there is more to lawn care than cutting and raking. But it’s not as extensive as you may think. Just follow these simple guidelines: Water your lawn regularly, 2-3 times a week, for about 20 – 30 minutes. Skip the watering on days where it rains steadily for over 20 minutes. Use lawn care products to kill bugs and weeds. These products are applied at different times throughout the year and are usually labeled “Step 1”, “Step 2”, “Step 3” and “Step 4”. Apply them in the proper order, following the instructions on the package. Apply lime pellets in the spring and fall. Follow the instructions on the package, and note any restrictions and warnings about interaction with other products. In spite of your best efforts, some weeds may sneak through. Do the best you can to eliminate these pains-in-the-butt, but don’t be overly anal about them. Always keep a 5-pound bag of grass seed handy to patch up the bare spots. Grab a handful, fling it where the cupboard is bare, and water regularly (every day until it sprouts). Another option is grass patch, which you pat down over the bare spots. Again, water regularly. In hot, dry weather, you may need to water your grass more. Of course, when the weather is hot and dry, your town naturally imposes a watering ban. So, naturally, your lawn turns to hay. In this case, you may want to consider green paint, a nice, grassy hue, such as “emerald fescue” or “bluegrass green.” (Supposedly the grounds crew at the old Ebbets Field in Brooklyn used to paint the grass. If it worked for them, it may work for you. However, I take no responsibility for any damages incurred…besides, between the kids’ toys, your hammock, and your spouse’s lawn ornaments, who’s going to notice the brown grass?) If you see any mushrooms, don’t eat them! And don’t believe that old fable about throwing a quarter in a pot of boiling mushrooms to see if it turns black. (If the quarter turned black, the mushrooms were supposedly poisonous.) That test worked only with the old silver quarters, and was not always dependable to boot! Consult with an expert if you really want to try this fungi on your pizza. Finally, should you find all of this work a bit too time-consuming, you may want to consider one of the following alternatives: Pull up the grass and install Astroturf Upside: Looks like grass Downside: Smells like plastic Back in the truck, pour some concrete, and paint it green Upside: Low maintenance
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Mopping Tall! Downside: A roll in the hay requires a high pain threshold Buy a cow Upside: Does the mowing for you and provides fresh milk to boot Downside: Also provides its own manure Whew! That wraps it for grass! Guess pushing a vacuum cleaner wasn’t that bad after all! Next, we’ll try our luck with the shrubbery.
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Chapter 16 Magazine with Groovy Fab Pix: A Little off the Top Great job on the lawn, Kemosabe! Now that the grass is trim and fit, lets take care of the hedges, trees, and other assorted growth. As with the lawn, there are certain telltale signs that a snipping is in order. For example, what about those hedges that are obscuring the satellite dish? Or how about that branch in the middle of the kitchen that’s doubling as a towel rack? Unlike lawn mowing, this task requires you to pay strict attention, so don’t even think about the sweet sound of a pop-top until you have finished, unless you’re uncorking a can of soda. Here's what you'll need: Hedge clippers (for the big stuff on the hedges) Saw (for branches) Hand clippers (the same ones you used for the lawn, for those delicate spots) Eye protection, such as goggles THE PROCEDURE: Hedges First of all, put on your goggles. When you are pruning, be it with power tools or hand trimmers, things have a tendency to fly about, so protect those peepers, jeepers creepers. Trim slowly, carefully, and evenly. Granted, this is easier said than done if it’s five minutes to tee time or tea time, so pick a stretch when there’s nothing else important going on, or when that chick flick your wife has been hounding you to watch is slated for the airwaves. If your hedge clippers are electric or gas-powered, make sure to maintain control at all times. If you are working on a ladder, don’t stretch too far, and make sure your footing is solid. Wobbling is verboten! Lose control of any power tool, and the nickname train will ride again, although this time your new moniker might be “Stumpy” for reasons we won’t go into. In addition to the hedges, you should also trim any plants that look unwieldy. Don’t prune near the roots, as you could damage the plant. Exercise extreme caution when working around any of your spouse’s prized flowers, fruits, or vegetables. We know the price of failure!
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Mopping Tall! If you make a mistake and trim too closely, don’t try to even things out unless you are absolutely certain you will be able to do so without inflicting further damage. Since whatever you cut will likely grow back, don’t be too concerned if the damage is minimal. Hide your mistake by hanging a cute sign (“An old crow and a cute chick live here”) or a fake bird on the hedge or branch. Your wife will think that you’ve finally achieved sensitivity. Of course, she will also expect you to WANT to go to the opera, much less sit through “Waiting to Exhale.” Isn’t it amazing how one botched piece of hedge translates into mezzanine seats for “Rigoletto”? By the way, when it comes to opera, why doesn’t anybody consider “Tommy”, by that vaunted classical composer Pete Townshend? I think “The Acid Queen” ranks right up there with “O Sole Mio”, the latter so nobly interpreted by another great opera aficionado of the past century, The King himself, Elvis Presley, in his epic 1960 opus, “It’s Now or Never.” The logical conclusion to all of this: to avoid opera, don’t mess up the hedges! Branches Branches are more difficult to trim than hedges. They’re tougher, and chances are they’re higher as well. Exercise the same precautions that you would for trimming hedges, particularly if you are using a power saw or chain saw, are up on a ladder, or both. And don’t forget the eye protection. Trim only those branches that are causing a problem. Unless you are a pro, don’t overdo it. Branches don’t grow back as quickly as hedges, so you’re stuck with any errors you make for a good, long, time, since they cannot be covered up with a cute sign or a wooden carving of a couple of skunks on a swing. Full-scale elephants maybe, but definitely not skunks. So be careful out there! Once you’ve finished cutting up the hedges, trees, and plants, gather up all of the refuse and bag it. Make sure you put this stuff out for pick-up at the proper time, that is, when the local sanitation engineers will take it away for you. Your city or town usually designates several weeks for yard-waste pick-ups (normally throughout most of the spring and fall), so take heed. Or, you can dump them on an unused part of your estate. Since all of this stuff is biodegradable, it shouldn’t have any detrimental effects. Weeds Before you even consider clearing the garden, make sure that you can tell the difference between a rose bush and ragweed. If you can’t, skip this chore and leave it to the resident pro, that is, your better half. If you thought the penalty for messing up the hedges was severe, can you imagine the punishment for pulling up your spouse’s daisies or lillies of the valley? It won’t be the opera you’ll be attending, but something infinitely more depressing. How does a weekend in Curacao sound? Not too bad, huh? Only problem is that you’ll be spending all of your time hopping from jeweler to jeweler trying to get the best
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Mopping Tall! price on a diamond necklace, using the cash that you tapped for that flat-screen teevee and satellite dish. Know your weeds! Check out the library or Web for information, if need be. You know it will be worth the effort once you’re catching Monday Night Football, highdefinition style. As with most of the work outside the house, the procedure is fairly simple. All you have to do is locate the weeds and pull them out by the roots, or spray weed killer and let science handle the problem. Simple, right? Wrong! What if a huge collection of these mothers has taken over a section of the yard. They’re as high as an elephant’s eye. It’s not going to be a beautiful morning, unless you can eradicate these eyesores from the face of the earth. It can be done. It’s long, hard work, but it will pay off for you in the end. First of all, use clippers to cut the really high weeds, but leave enough so you can pull out what’s left by the roots, if necessary. Then, apply weed killer, wait a couple of days for the killer to fulfill its contract on the weeds, and remove the dead remains. Be sure to heed all product specifications. Weeds are tough, and if the stuff you are using can reduce them to a mass of weed guts, imagine what it can do to you. If you don’t want to apply weed killer, simply pull up the remains and prepare them for a date with the sanitation truck or the town dump. How can you prevent the weeds from coming back? Excellent question! You may want to consider adding mulch to the areas you weeded (see Chapter 18 for information about mulch), or you may want to get some ideas from your local gardening guru. Once you have finished with the trimming and weeding, clean off all of your tools, and maintain them regularly, per manufacturer’s specifications. All right! You are moving right along, dude! Keep up the excellent work, and get ready for a funky experience as we mosey into the next chapter!
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Chapter X-7: Save the Pants, the Shoes are Shot Poop! Just thought you’d like to know the topic of this chapter. Well, that and raking. I know you probably never dreamed about reading a chapter on, uh, fertilizer anywhere, but remember, amico, there’s a first time for everything. And please, no jokes about this book being one big glob of the stuff. Fertilizer, despite its source, is a product that makes a world of difference when tending to your plants. Applied per manufacturer’s specifications, it can spell the difference between an awesome garden, lawn, or plant, and “better luck next time.” Okay, I have to stop for a minute…manufacturer’s specifications? For animal dung? Who provides this information, Bessie the Cow and Henry the Horse, when he isn’t dancing the waltz? I’ve seen specifications on bags of fertilizer. Who writes this stuff? I’m just asking…do they get this information at the opposite end from where they get the product, that is, straight from the horse’s mouth? The bottom line is, if you are using non-virgin soil (and “virgin” here means the same as anywhere else…nothing has been planted in it), and you want something to grow, give it a little bit of cow or horse excrement. You can find it at any garden store. And, if you think that this topic is, well, kind of off kilter, just wait until Chapter 20 when I explain how to keep groundhogs and raccoons away from your plants. All right, let’s move on to raking (thank God). This chore is normally associated with autumn leaves, as well it should be. However, you should also give the land a good raking in the springtime, as it serves as a wake-up call. It tells the grass to get off its butt, and tells the soil to get ready for planting season. There are two kinds of rakes that most of us are familiar with: the rectangular, metallic garden rake, and the plastic or metal leaf rake. The garden rake has long teeth that get into the ground and stir things up. Use it to till soil or to gather up larger, heavier refuse. Since you’re using this rake in a garden (unless you are performing the raking rite of early spring for your entire estate), you should rake slowly and carefully, to avoid damaging any sprouting plants or new growth. The leaf rake fans out like a scallop shell. Use it to rake, well, leaves. You can also use it to till soil, even though it does not plow as deep as the garden rake. Fast forward to autumn. The leaves have fallen, the yard is a mess, and the Red Sox have missed out on a World Series title for the 84th consecutive year.
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Mopping Tall! Do you detect a trend here? Can it be that dying leaves are the reason for the Red Sox’ fall fall? We may be on to something! Maybe moving the team to Tucson will end over eight decades of frustration. We can rename the team the “TucSox”! After all, playing in Arizona certainly didn’t hurt the Diamondbacks. Besides, the last time the Red Sox won the Series, it was held in late summer around Labor Day because of travel restrictions brought about as a result of the War of 1812, excuse me, World War I. The leaves were in full bloom. Coincidence? I don’t think so! Sorry, hardball fans of Chicagoland…I can’t come up with an explanation for the autumn angst of the Cubbies or the White Sox. Maybe they should bring back the old Comiskey Park, or give Shoeless Joe Jackson his due and welcome him into the Baseball Hall of Fame. It couldn’t hurt. “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack…” Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. Now, back to the raking. Where were we? Oh yeah, the autumn leaves have fallen…. Use the leaf rake to gather these dead little chlorophyll breeders into piles. Avoid raking the leaves in the direction of the wind; otherwise, you’ll find yourself repeating this procedure over and over until the wind shifts around. One great thing about leaves is that, since it’s autumn and everything is pretty much on its way to plant heaven, you can rake like a madman. Of course, if you have a power mower, you don’t even need to rake…just drive over the leaves until they’re broken down into itty-bitty pieces. You may want to use the mulching blade for this exercise, and attaching the bag is optional, since the tiny pieces of leaves won’t hurt the lawn. You may even be fortunate enough to own an industrial-strength leaf blower. If so, congratulations, and can I borrow it this fall? With this baby, you simply let the air push the leaves wherever you want – into the construction site across the street, for example, or into that big field loaded with dead corn stalks. No piles, no worries. Once you’re finished, if you haven’t blown the leaves into oblivion, bag them for removal. Keep in mind any special scheduling by your city or town for pick-up. That’s a big 10-4 good buddy! Another great job! Now leave us leave the leaves and move on to yet another exciting outdoor adventure.
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Chapter 2/3 of the way to 27 = 18: Mulch Ado About Nothing What is mulch, anyway? I know, I know, it’s that pretty red or brown stuff that we put around vegetation. But does anyone know what it really is and why we use it? It turns out that mulch can be anything that we put around trees and plants, from hay to aluminum foil. The stuff that most of us are familiar with is basically ground-up tree bark, and is known as “organic mulch,” because it is composed of once-living material. Tree-bark mulch comes in a variety of flavors, from the ever-popular red cedar, to the brownish hickory, as well as cypress, hardwood, and pine. Mulch is available at any garden shop or home-improvement store. Since organic bark mulch is the type that is most commonly used, let’s confine our discussion to this product. If you would like more information about different types of mulch, there’s plenty of great stuff on the Web. Why do we use mulch? Simply put, it’s a good thing. Properly applied, mulch will retard weed growth by keeping out light, fight off those nasty little bugs, keep moisture in so you don’t have to water as much, and protect your plants from getting dirty during a rainstorm. And we all know how hard it can be washing the flowers and bathing the trees after a rainstorm, don’t we? Additionally, mulch will also improve your love life, take inches off your waistline, and prevent bad breath. Of course, all of the claims in that previous sentence are fictitious. Even the one about bad breath, since mulch should never be ingested by any living being. Please don’t be an innovator. Try a nice breath mint instead. According to the ads, consuming breath mints will also improve your love life. Unfortunately, those ads say absolutely nothing about reducing your waistline. Well, there’s always Weight Watchers. Here’s what you’ll need: Mulch Shovel Rake Mulch application is a definitive rite of spring. Wait for a clear, dry day to spread it. If you are going to mulch around flowers and vegetables, ensure that the mulch you are using is right for them. Check the product information on the packaging or talk with the people at the store where you purchase the mulch. How much mulch (try saying that 3 times fast) you should buy depends on the size of your plant beds and the number of trees in your yard. You can either purchase it by the bagful, or by the yard. A yard is a whole lot, so you best size up your needs and check with the mulch man before you decide.
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Mopping Tall! Make sure that the mulch you use is fresh, not sour. The way to tell is by the smell. If your mulch smells like soil or fresh wood, you’re all set; however, if it smells like the ammonia you used to strip the floor back in Chapter 3, or reeks of sulfur, chances are you have a bad batch. Don’t use it, as it may hurt your plants. Before you apply mulch, give the plant beds and the areas around the trees a good raking, and remove all of Mother Nature’s winter leftovers. Apply between 2 – 5 inches of mulch on the area using a shovel, then use a rake to spread it around. Try not to cover any tree roots with mulch – they hate this stuff. If you dig that shady area, make sure to leave the roots uncovered. Any leftovers? You bought how many yards? Yikes! How about putting some on top of the dirt under your porch? What’s that? You have a concrete base supporting your piazza? Hmm… Then share it with your neighbors. Hold a mulch party! Invite them over with their shovels and wheelbarrows, and tell them not to forget the beer! You supply the pretzels. They’ll do the work, and you’ll get the credit for cleaning up the mulch. A bag of pretzels is a small price to pay for such a big job. Excellent work, my friend! Why don’t you take a break before we trek into the next chapter? (Break) All rested up? Very good! Let’s move on…
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Hey 19th Chapter: A Tomato of My Very Own Is there anything better than fresh fruits and vegetables? Big, plump, red tomatoes, juicy strawberries, crispy lettuce, sweet melons, mile-long zucchinis and cucumbers, tasty radishes, and more? What about beautiful flowers and shrubs? Carnations, daisies, roses, lilies, begonias, rose of sharon, and dozens of other varieties that are too difficult to spell? Gardening can be a very rewarding undertaking. Though it takes some hard work at first, and daily attention once you’re underway, the fruits (and vegetables) of your labor will prove worthwhile. Before you consider becoming a farmer in the dell, make sure that your schedule allows it. If you find that you have very little free time between chores, family, and seeking employment, then gardening may not be for you. However, if there is a void that you would like to fill, why not give gardening a try? Weather, soil, and temperature are the determining factors as to what you can grow. Here in New England, cranberries, potatoes, blueberries, and corn are the foodstuffs of legend. Our flowers run the gamut from the common (daisies) to the exotic (those big purple whatchamacallits with the brush-like tops). Decide what you’d like to raise (besides three obedient kids), then see if it’s right for your area. Check at your local gardening center or home-improvement warehouse, your local library, or with the gardening sensei around the block. Here’s what you’ll need: Gardening Tools – shovel, rake, pitchfork, hoe Something to grow Cooperative weather A ton of patience You cannot underestimate the importance of patience. Like anything else worthwhile, a garden requires honest effort, and can be very frustrating at times. If you are not the patient sort, consider buying your flora at the local greenhouse or supermart. Your next decision – should you grow from seed, or buy plants? There are advantages to both. If you grow from seed, you can get a head start on the growing season by planting your potential greenery in pots and maintaining them indoors until they’re ready for the
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Mopping Tall! great outdoors. You can also get an idea of what needs to be done from the comfort of your living room. (Unless, of course, you live in an area where gardening is a year-round activity. Then you can get out and enjoy the sun while watching your new little green and yellow buddies grow.) If you buy plants, you can avoid the work that goes with seeding, and you have a pretty good idea of what the plant actually looks like. This way, you won’t mistakenly off it when weeding or trimming. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the butt! When you decide what you’re going to grow and how to do it, your next step is to cultivate the soil in the area that will serve as your garden. First of all, select an area that’s heavy on dirt, and light on rocks and clay. (Clay is coffee-colored, and won’t do a thing for plants.) If, in checking the soil, you find that you have come across a verifiable rock garden or clay repository, either consider moving your garden elsewhere, or be prepared to buy a lot of high-grade dirt for your little Eden. Next, give the land a good raking, both to energize the soil, and to remove any leaves, twigs, etc. Then grab a pitchfork and “turn the land over”. Dig deep, pull up the pitchfork, and give it a flip. This way, you’re bringing up the darker, more fertile land from down under. Once you’ve flipped, grab that rake again. Use it to remove small rocks and other undesirables. Now, spread some lime pellets to sweeten the soil (per product specifications), and add some fertilizer, again heeding the manufacturer’s recommendations. (Check out Chapter 17 for more information about fertilizer.) Rake to mix in. Excellent! The big moment has arrived – it’s time to plant! Grab a hoe, and start pulling up the dirt to make room for whatever it is you are planting. Allow ample space between plants, say about a foot and a half, depending on how big these guys will grow. Keep it in the family. Plant vegetables with vegetables, fruits with fruits, and flowers with flowers. With fruits and veggies, as with white and colored laundry, it is okay to segregate. Put each species in its own little section. Since different plants require different care, it’s much easier to group your tomatoes, peppers, berries, etc., than to arrange them haphazardly around the garden. After all, this isn’t your side of the bedroom closet. A little order is in order. When planting, follow the lead of Mary Quite Contrary and know how your garden will grow. Remember that some plants, such as melons, pumpkins, zucchinis, and cucumbers, grow on vines along the ground; others, like tomatoes, peppers, and strawberries, form on plants that spread both upward and outward. As these plants grow, you may need to bury a stick or a plastic tube next to them in order to tie them off, so they don’t droop from the weight of all of those lovely fruits and veggies. Put the stick in the ground about 6 inches from the plant, taking care not to rile the roots. Use your spouse’s old nylons for the tie off. They’re weather-resistant and easy to knot and unknot. Just make sure she’s not wearing them at the time! If synthetics are not available, strong string will do. Gently place the nylon or string near (but not at) the top of the plant and tie it to the stick. Not too hard, chief! You don’t want to hurt the plant. Make sure the plant is
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Mopping Tall! standing tall, but don’t apply so much pressure that it can’t move. If the plant still has bad posture, tie off one or two additional areas as needed. In most cases, you should allow flowers to grow freely. There’s something in their wild nature that adds to the overall beauty. However, when the buds bloom and crowd each other, it’s time for a trim. Cut from the stem, but not so much that you effectively kill off that area of the plant. Take enough stem so you can put the flowers in a vase, say about 6 - 12 inches, more if the stems are larger. Trim roses from the second group of leaves below the flower. If there’s not enough stem to cut, leave that flower to grow and go on to the next one. Oops, got ahead of myself. We’re already harvesting, and we haven’t even discussed daily maintenance. Make sure to water your garden on a regular basis. Most plants require a quenching every other day. One way to determine if water is needed is to check the soil. If it’s moist, chances are that you can pass on the hosing. Another way is to check the leaves on the plant. If they are turning yellow, you’re giving the plant too much water. If they are turning brown, it’s not getting enough water. If they’re turning orange, it’s autumn, and that’s a maple tree, not a tomato plant! Watch for bugs. If the leaves have noticeable gaps or chew marks, chances are that some fauna is chomping your flora. Protect your plants by spraying them with an approved bug spray. Sometimes, larger animals may take a shine to your garden, particularly if there is food on the vine. Sorry, but bug spray won’t work here. However, I’ll discuss how to deal with these creatures in the next chapter. Shine on! The tomatoes are red, the radishes are red, the red peppers are green (oops, not quite ripe), the berries are red. You might say that your garden is red-dy for harvest. (Yes, it’s a lousy pun. How about, “You might say that your garden is ripe for the picking?” All right, let’s stick with “red-dy for harvest.”) Harvest time varies from place to place. In New England, the goods usually deliver in August and September. Except for garlic, which is a little strange. See, you plant garlic underground in November, around the time of the Hunter’s Moon (“Shine on, Hunter’s Moon?”), and it grows through the winter, spring, and early summer. When the green tops turn brown in July or so, the garlic is ready to be pulled out of the ground for drying. Ah, garlic - just another one of nature’s great mysteries. For some great ways to use garlic, see Chapter 26. Flowers and bushes tend to bloom all summer, and can be picked at will, so there is no “harvest” per se. Usually, the ceremonial gathering of the garden is confined to fruits and vegetables. Depending on the type of plant you are harvesting, you can either pull the little suckers right out of the ground (carrots, radishes, scallions, etc.), pick them off the plant (tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, and so forth), or pluck from the vine (pumpkins, cucumbers, eggplant, zucchini, and other such vine dwellers). If you’ve grown corn, and
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Mopping Tall! have succeeded, look for the husks that house the maize. Pick the corn husk and all, just the way you see it in a store. Note that harvesting is not a one-shot deal. Unlike the professional farmer, you’ll probably be picking fruits and vegetables for at least a week or two, maybe more depending on the size of your garden and the items you planted. Once the harvest is completed or the flowers and bushes no longer bloom, it’s time to prepare the land for the fall and winter. If you planted flowers or shrubs, make sure you know which ones are annuals (which grow once over the course of a season) and perennials (which return year after year). The short menu: leave the perennials, dig up the annuals (once they’re dead, naturally). Remove any other dead plants, clean up the garden patch, and give it a good raking. Add some lime to pep up the soil for the long winter haul, and rake it in. Congratulations on your foray into gardening! If you did well, or even if you did not, maybe you should consider doing it all over next year. Sure, it was tough at times, but didn’t those fresh fruits and vegetables and lovely flowers make it all worthwhile? Now don that jungle hat and bring along some supplies. We’re going to deal with some of the wild beasts of the patio!
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Chapter Two 10’s for a 20: All Creatures Great and Small (are a pain in the butt)! Oh look! A sweet little chubby groundhog is in your backyard. Doesn’t he look so cuddly as he wanders around. Aww…the little darling is eating some of that clover on the lawn. Gee, I wonder where that little cutie will go next? WHY THAT FAT LITTLE BASTARD! He did a one-and-one-half gainer into the flower bed, flattened everything, and is now munching on your spouse’s pride and joy, the forsythia bush! Grab the grenade launcher! Don’t have one? Fine, then, a flamethrower will do! Animals and bugs are some of the most ornery, infuriating pests you’ll encounter in your daily life, next to aggravating bosses and rude people. But, unlike these alleged humans, you can do something about them without facing a criminal record. Sometimes you can simply get rid of these little creatures without bloodshed, using a little imagination and some natural remedies. Insects Let’s face it, even the most ardent animal lover has squashed a bug or two in their lifetime. And why is that? Simply put, these creepy little crawlies can cause major problems. They spread disease and filth, keep you awake at night with their constant buzzing, and can damage property (ask anyone who’s ever had an encounter with termites and those tell-tale wood shavings they leave as a calling card). Others, such as bees, wasps, and yellowjackets, can cause severe injury, especially if you’re allergic to their toxins. So what can you do? It all depends on the severity of the problem. If an army of ants has invaded your kitchen, and is carrying off your refrigerator, it’s best to consult an expert. Don’t let your macho pride get in the way here. However, if it’s only a small battalion that has raided your domain, set up several ant traps in the areas of highest concentration. These little babies work wonders in ridding your home of the unwanted moochers. Too bad they don’t work as well on unwanted relatives! (However, I have a solution for these larger pests at the end of this chapter.) If roaches are making you antsy, set up roach motels throughout the afflicted area. Don’t bother preparing coffee in the morning for these unwanted houseguests, since they won’t be coming down. For small groups of wasps, bees, hornets, and yellow jackets, use an approved spray, outdoors if possible. If you must use any spray indoors, make sure it is approved for
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Mopping Tall! inside use; otherwise, you will have bigger problems than the buzzing bees to deal with. Also, make sure you have mapped an escape route. After all, you don’t want to be dealing with an army of angry wasps if your chemical warfare fails to do the trick. (Don’t jump into the pool without scuba gear; these guys will hover until you surface.) If you surmise that the numbers are overwhelmingly not in your favor, hire a professional. Termites are the nastiest of the nasty. If you screw up getting rid of these woodmongers, you’re in deep (maybe halfway to the basement). Leave them to the experts. For any other insects not mentioned here, consult the information on a can of bug obliterator to see if your crawly falls into its kill category; if it doesn’t, and you are otherwise unsure about what to do, consult a specialist. What about that big thing with eight legs that just walked off with your doughnut? Well, don’t just stand there! This dude has declared war by stealing your marble cruller! Give him the punishment he deserves! Crush this and any other lone insects using an old newspaper, a flyswatter, your foot, or a small anvil. When cleaning up, make sure you get everything, including the antennae, wings, and any other pieces. Don’t leave any insect guts or spare parts on the floors or the walls, lest your wife put a “bug” in your ear about it. Groundhogs/Raccoons/Skunks Now that we’ve eliminated the insect sect, it’s time to take care of those other pests, you know, the ones that are so cuddly in those commercials where they sit back in an easy chair or startle an unsuspecting camper. We’re talking raccoons, skunks, and groundhogs, the cute and nasty. First of all, creatures like these tend to come out after dusk. If you come across a raccoon at high noon, avoid it like quicksand, since it may have rabies. Think about it – would any sane animal come out in 90-degree heat? Okay, then explain golfers to me…. Anyway, dusk has arrived, and Mr. Chubbo, the formerly cute little groundhog turned hated adversary has come out for dinner in your garden. Problem: How can you stop him without pulling an Elmer Fudd and bwasting him to bits? Solution: You can sprinkle some fox or coyote urine in the yard, and leave some hanging in plastic containers on and around your plants. Although over 10 bucks a bottle, the urine produces results in most cases, as it will drive these critters away, since they will smell trouble. An amazing product, indeed. Even more amazing is how they get the fox or coyote to pee into that little plastic bottle. Regardless of how it is obtained, this stuff is golden and could solve your critter problem in mere days. Which raises an interesting question: if you want to repel foxes, do you use groundhog urine? You can also get rid of skunks by leaving a metal sheet covered with cod liver oil in your garden. What happens is that skunkie doesn’t like the feel of the cod liver oil on its little paws, licks them, and gets nauseous (apparently cod liver oil, while beneficial to humans, does not agree with skunks). Being a rather intelligent animal, the skunk decides never again to patronize the eatery that made him sick, much like most humans.
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Mopping Tall! You can also set traps for these animals, or even shoot them, but you may be subject to local or state legislation (surprise, surprise), since some folks feel that these creatures shouldn’t be trapped or harmed in any way. Of course, most of the people who share these beliefs live in high-rise condos in big cities and can’t tell the difference between a raccoon and a giraffe. Still, it’s not very sporting to shoot a small animal if they’re not posing a threat to your home or family. A charging elephant is a different story, however. Shoot this sonof-a-mammoth quick, before he does anything else to damage your credit (ba-dumdum!). Besides, if you trap one of these guys, you have to drive to the great outdoors to release him, unless, of course, you live in the great outdoors, in which case you can just give him cab fare. Five bucks ought to do it. Also, ask yourself this question: Do you want to be the one to release a trapped Pepe LePew, who is so pissed-off that he may piss off on you, once he’s released? Do you really want to spend the next three days in a tomato-juice Jacuzzi? Mice Simple. Mousetraps. d-Con or similar product. Threatening letters. Problem solved. Snakes That snake under your porch may be poisonous, so don’t mess with it. Supposedly, you can tell by the shape of its head, but that’s like trying to determine if the bear that’s chasing you is a Grizzly by checking for the slope on its back. Who wants to get that close? Instead, contact your local animal control officer or game warden. If neither is available, call Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. He’ll be able to tell you the type of snake, whether it’s poisonous or not, what it eats, and hopefully, how to get rid of it. If Steve is unavailable, Jeff Corwin will do in a pinch. Unwanted Relatives Trap and release. Far away. Very far away. Now that you are hopefully pest-free, you can move on with your life. Or at least to the next section, where we’ll head back into the old domicile.
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SECTION AY-YAI-YAI It’s About Time…and Other Stuff Now that you’re finished with the outdoors, come on in. Take a shower. Pour yourself a beer. And get ready for discourse on the social graces (and dat course on time management). In this section, we’re going to get some friendly advice on planning an unexpected dinner party (much easier to deal with than an unexpected pregnancy, mind you, although the possibility of morning sickness still exists), dealing with your in-laws, using your time effectively, and maybe even having a little fun. Fun time is vital. After all, look what all work and no play did to Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”
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Chapter 21st Century: The Boss is Coming to Dinner (and his name ain’t Springsteen!) The night you have feared for weeks has finally arrived - your wife is bringing the boss home for dinner. You know, the person who makes the paychecks possible. Of course, when you were pulling this stunt and surprising your better half with a food freeloader or two, it was okay, wasn't it? And you didn’t know that someday there would be payback, did you? Well, buddy, that time is NOW. But before panic sets in, let's get down and set up a few ground rules. Perform the following steps: Oops, sorry about that. Did I tell ya’ll that I’m a Technical Writer? At least for the time being, anyway. I’d give my current employer a plug, but with the state of high-tech being what it is, I’m not sure who it will be by the time this manuscript is turned into the bound and printed word. In fact, I could be back at my old stomping grounds in Berlin, New Hampshire, reading the Obituary Report on WBRL. Once again my train of thought has been derailed. What were we discussing? Oh yes, the ground rules: The microwave is our friend. Use it! Appetizers are usually devoured by the ton before dining, so the more eaten, the less the possibility for disaster if the meal is shot. Make sure you prepare a goodly amount. One good, stiff drink for the boss won't do any harm. Don't cook like you're too well off, or your wife will never get that richly deserved raise. Cook to your ethnic or cultural strength. Face it, if your last name is Grambolini, it's not unfair for the boss to expect Italian food. The same for Polish eats if your name is Kowalski. Truth be told, if you have a strong ethnic heritage, you have some idea of your culinary heritage. Use it! Unless you're not sure who you are or where you came from. Then play it safe - visit the Colonel, call Domino's, or order Chinese. After all, these cuisines are fairly ethnic themselves. If you have no idea about your dinner guest’s dietary restrictions or preferences (though you should find out this information beforehand), serve fish. Most vegetarians (or whatever the term is for no-meat-but-fish-is-okay folks) eat it, most carnivores tolerate it. If the boss is health conscious, it's an automatic 10 points. Plus, it's easy to cook. Follow the recipe in Chapter 26 and you can't miss!
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Mopping Tall! If you are unsure about cooking fresh vegetables, it's best to undercook them. This will give the guise that you are truly novelle in your cuisine by serving a practically raw veggie. And I don't mean potatoes! The rule of undercooking applies to carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, green beans, asparagus, and most other green and yellow vegetables. But never, ever potatoes. Bake those mothers for at least an hour. Now let's get smokin’.... Here's what you'll need: Food Utensils for preparation Pots, pans, a dish for microwaving, and serving dishes Stove and microwave THE PROCEDURE: Appetizers First, you've got to make some appetizers. Simple stuff. Just bop to the groceria and pick up some cheese and crackers. And if you want to get fancy, throw in a sliced pepperoni. WOW - a cheese and cracker appetizer tray. Uh, did I tell you to put these and any other appetizer eats on that fancy piece of glassware in the cabinet? The one that cost $14.98 on sale at the outlet? Retails for $79.95? Small flaw in the center? Veggie appetizers are always a big hit. These, too, are easy. You don't even have to worry about over- or undercooking them, because they're served raw, just like sushi. Just cut some broccoli, celery, peppers, cauliflower, and peeled carrots. Add some blue cheese or ranch dressing and you've got another gold-medal appetizer. Don't forget to put the dressing in a small bowl. Trying to dip broccoli into that thin-necked bottle can be a royal pain in the ass, not to mention downright embarrassing. Feeling pretty confident? Want to try something hot? No, instant oatmeal is not a good idea, at least at dinner time. However, quick-frozen tidbits are. Serve a variety of baby weenies in blankets, spinach puffs (what would Popeye think?), and baby quiches. Pick them up where the frozen food resides, then tell the tall tale of how hard it was wrapping the coating around the filling. And, no, you are not automatically neutered if you serve quiche. Think of it as a little pie, and as we all know, The Rock likes pie. Since Mr. Dwayne Johnson has no problems, why should you? Preparing them is a snap. This is where our old buddy the microwave comes in. Follow the instructions on the package and there is no way you can fail.
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Mopping Tall! Estimated task times: 15 minutes to prepare the cheese and cracker tray 30 minutes for the veggies and dip Varies for the microwaved appetizers, based on cooking time THE PROCEDURE: Dinner It's dinner time! Along with the main course, it's always wise to serve salad. This is very easy to make. In fact, you can save time by preparing the salad beforehand and refrigerating it. Simply cut up some lettuce, onion, celery, peppers, and carrots, dice up some tomatoes, throw in a bowl, and voila - instant garden chomp! If you want to appear truly Cordon Bleu, spice it up with little pieces of hard, stale bread, affectionately known in the industry as croutons. Cheddar or onion and garlic flavor are fine, but avoid the overly exotic, such as cayenne mango. Be adventurous, but not overly so…it’s a salad, not seared filet of blowfish with a melon chutney. Don't add any dressing to the salad. Instead, serve different varieties on the side so your guests can make their own choice. Out of the bottle is okay, unless this is a black-tie event, in which case you can afford a chef and servers, so why are you wasting your time reading? Hire someone to do the work for you…preparing the dinner AND reading. Not that I don't appreciate your purchase. But if you are loaded, or have a ton of money, save these witticisms for later and send me a check for $1,000 for this thorough, albeit brief, dissertation on Time Management. Since the so-called professionals get thousands for this, I've also done some economizing for you by charging only a grand. On second thought, why not make it two grand (US currency or gold bullion, please), with my deepest appreciation. Okay, back to the kitchen, sports fans! The salad is done. Don't forget a loaf of bread to go with it. Roll your own or pick up a loaf at the bakery or your local dairy case (you know, the stuff with Poppin' Fresh's picture on the label). To prepare dairy case bread, find a cookie sheet and smear it with butter. Next, open the loaf (if it’s in a paper tube, you’ll love this part), place it on the cookie sheet, and follow the instructions on the package. Turn the loaf over once, as the bottom tends to cook faster than the top. And why not, since it's smack on top of heat-conducting material and one inch from a 375-degree flame (190.5 degrees Celsius)? When the loaf is a tasty-looking golden brown, remove it, place it on a dish or a wire whatchamacallit (the thing that looks like it belongs on a grill that actually goes in a roasting pan) and let it cool. And don't sneak any samples! Bite marks in a loaf of bread to be served to guests is a definite no-no to know, no?
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Mopping Tall! A Helpful Hint: Since both involve using the oven, prepare the bread before cooking the main course. A good time for the bread is while you're readying the appetizers. That way, the loaf will maintain that just-baked freshness when served. Also serve a potato or rice. Potatoes should be baked for an hour at least. (Am I repeating myself again? I'm sorry. Really sorry. Truly sorry.) Rice is very easy to make. Use instant if you have any doubts. Just measure out the needed servings (1/4 cup uncooked per person), boil some water, throw the rice in, and stir. If you want to get fancy, try some great Armenian rice pilaf mix. Again, just follow the instructions on the package. They are written for dudes like ourselves, people who have trouble finding the right end of a milk carton. Also, serve one of those fresh veggies we discussed previously. Cut up the veggie, throw it in a pan of water, or into a vegetable steamer, bring the water to a boil, and cook until it is no longer rock hard, anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes, depending on the vegetable. If you are confident in your abilities, get funky! Try cooking up a veggie casserole with tomatoes or cheese. On to dessert. Since there are so many great products and so many fine bakeries around, why not just pick up some assorted pastries or one of Sara's delights. Don't forget some ice cream to top it off. After dinner, engage in some good conversation. And enjoy the kudos you're sure to receive for your fine dinner. Estimated task time: Varies according to menu, but plan on at least 1 1/2 hours Geez, another Helpful Hint?: One of the best things about preparing dinner is that, like doing laundry, you are able to address other household chores, since the stove and microwave do most of the work. You can even program the oven timer to cook the main course. If you have some experience with cooking, feel free to tackle a job that may pull you away from the kitchen for half an hour or so, such as dusting (which you may want to do anyway, since a VIP is coming by). If this get-together is your first foray into dinner preparation, and you are a little concerned about having everything ready for your guests, fret not! You can still “do it all” and keep a watchful eye on the eats. For example, you can prepare the main course in the oven and use the stove to boil the vegetables and rice. While they cook, you can as well. Dump a load of laundry into the washer, dust, or pick up around the house. Just check in on the food every 10 minutes or so, and you'll do just fine. You have the time and you've got the talent – use them to your advantage!
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Chapter Two Two: Who Are These People? Well, amico, we've finished with most of the household stuff, with the exception of some great recipes coming up in Chapter 26. These next few chapters deal with other issues you may face as a new househusband. A little friendly advice from yours truly for your perusal, if you will. Let's start with the in-laws. They're your second momma and papa, your spouse's dear parents, the loyal opposition, Public Enemy Number One, Attila the Hun in drag - name them as you will, these people play an important role in your life. Some people (myself included) are blessed by wonderful, understanding in-laws. (OKAY DONNA, I SAID IT - HAPPY NOW???) They know that losing a job in this day and age is not due to any royal screw-up on our part. They tend to be supportive, even helpful, offering useful suggestions or job tips. Heed their advice, because, like your parents, they can surprise you with the width and breadth of their knowledge. And always have patience with them - remember, they are thinking of your best interests. On the other hand, some in-laws may be royal pains in the butt. In this case, try to avoid them at all costs. When those occasions arrive where you can't avoid them, just yes them to death - unless they're total bricks, they'll get the hint. If you're being nagged over the phone, tell the old buzzards that you'd love to talk with them, but you're waiting for an important call regarding employment, or, even better, you have to get off the line to prepare their beloved daughter's favorite dinner. Then order out for pizza. (Only a confirmed fan of Snidely Whiplash doesn't like pizza. And you know how he always wound up once Dudley Do-Right got through with him. By the way, do you remember the name of Dudley's horse? The answer later....) One key rule with your in-laws is NEVER GET YOUR SPOUSE INVOLVED. I cannot stress this fact enough!! Involving your better half will only make it harder for her as she tries to decide who to side with, those who gave her life, or the gavone she is supporting. Key rule number 2 is to TRY, AT ALL COSTS, TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. I realize that this may seem impossible, but trust me. Get on her good side, and you're golden for life. Even your wife's father will have to get along with you, just for his own sanity. You know how much your mother-in-law bugs you. Well, triple it and you'll understand why the poor guy has the volume maxed out as he watches the Red Sox sink to new depths of ineptitude. You'll also understand why he actually watches entire baseball games, not to mention curling. How do you get along with your mother-in-law? With a small surprise gift, a kind word, or, just by asking her for advice when you need it (and you will at some time).
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Mopping Tall! Forget the “you look lovely” crap. She’ll spot your insincerity a mile away. Naw, don’t tell her how much you love her, either. That will definitely get you a smack in the snout. Instead, why not ask her for one of her favorite recipes or query her about an appropriate gift for your spouse’s birthday or anniversary? Simple stuff. Believe it or not, she deserves your affection. After all, she did give you your most precious companion and best friend. Anyway, these little tidbits may help you, or they may not. Just give it your best shot, and remember, you're doing it for the one you love. Or at least for your own well-being. Okay, calm down...I'm going to give you the answer to that question about Dudley Do-Right's horse. Kept your attention throughout this chapter, didn't it? The answer is...are you ready?...Horse! Yeah, I know...what a comedown! But if you think back, Dudley always said things like “Come here, Horse” and “Let's go, Horse” when he wasn't trying to figure out the fundamental differences between him and the lovely Nell. After all, Dudley wasn't the brightest bulb in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police’s camp lamp.
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23rd Chapter: Time Manages Probably the biggest problem for the newly laid-off worker is time management. You think you'll have all the time in the world to look for work, do your chores, watch a movie, sort your shoes, fix the drain, and neuter the cat. (Unless, of course, your cat has a mane and weighs over 200 pounds. Then leave things just the way they are. Chances are, there's no one in the neighborhood that strikes kitty's fancy, anyway, unless, like you with the vacuum cleaner, kitty is into lifestyles of the weird and kinky.) The key word is PRIORITIZE. If you are desperately in need of employment, then priority numero uno (after your family, naturally) is anything work-related. Interviews with prospective employers are always tops on the “To Do” list. Don't forget to give yourself a good amount of time before the interview, at least 2 hours, for showering, shaving, mental preparation, and getting there. Did I forget to say “getting dressed” as well? Oops! Keep the morning or afternoon of the interview free from any other concerns. Dinner can wait - your wife will understand. This may be a good night to really sweet talk your mother or mother-in-law and grab a dinner invite. It'll keep them happy and save you a ton of grief. Plus, they get a chance to see you in a suit as opposed to the faded tie-dyed Grateful Dead tank top, worn-out sweatpants, and bunny slippers. Boy, you DO need help with your wardrobe. Everybody knows that ripped Red Balls are the proper foot attire in this case. What are Red Balls? NO, they are not some sort of venereal disease or the punch line to a dirty joke. They are the sneakers a lot of us wore as kids a couple of centuries ago, back in the Fifties and the Sixties. They cost about $2 a pair, lasted as long as we could keep them on our feet, and had a funky yellow and blue “comfort cushion” inside. At least it WAS yellow and blue until our feet plopped on top of it. (Ahh, the memories...UGH! The odor!) Your second priority should be keeping the house in order, both inside and out. This means cleaning, food shopping, and anything else that keeps the home machine welloiled. Try to map out your weekly activities. Should an interview or other important event pop up, go for it, and reschedule the weekly housework or yardwork gig. Postponing a weekly activity once a month should not shake the foundation of your home life. Just make sure that you perform said activity the following week, or as time permits. The final priority should be your enjoyment, that is, those activities that help you maintain your sanity. We'll discuss these in the next chapter. Keep them low on your totem pole, but by all means, include them. Otherwise, you'll never take the advantage, you'll become depressed and obsessed, and wind up on one of those trash teevee shows as a talking turnip. I've seen this before, and it ain't pretty.
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Mopping Tall! Now that we've prioritized, let's pause for a hearty “well-done”, some thoughtful insight, some rest, and a well-deserved large frappe (chocolate, of course) with jimmies. Okay, okay, milk shake with sprinkles. Geez, try to give you guys a little Bay State culture (Medford/Malden/Revere division) and you go ballistic on me! Just for that, I’m not going to take you out for a spuckie!
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Chapter Whatever: Fun at Last Naturally, you won't be spending all of your time doing housework or looking for a job. There are occasions when you deserve to give yourself a break from the drudgery and doldrums of the routine. And don't feel guilty about treating yourself, because you've earned it, matey (yo ho ho)! On the other hand, the activities that daytime offers may not be quite what you were used to on weeknights and weekends. Let's take a gander at some. Television An absolute wasteland. Unless you're into game shows, soap operas, infomercials about a product that can slice, dice, add years to your life, and remove those unwanted wrinkles from your nose, or talk shows that specialize in male-bashing or psychotic, schizophrenic, follicly challenged former cemetery workers turned credit card authorization clerks turned sheep herders (woo, woo!) turned ATF telemarketers, it's wise to look elsewhere, unless you are blessed by cable or satellite. Can you really ingest five hours of feminists from Atlantis railing against men who dress like women who love the men that women who have had breast implants desire because they wanted to leave the women who haven't loved the men who have? Do you really want to know the sordid details about the brother who is sleeping with his cousin’s sister who is really his mom, who lusts after his wife’s mistresses’ crossdressing mallard and who is on the verge of leaving his skirt-toddling secretary because their uncle impregnated an alien with their youngest sibling’s baby? Okay, so would I. Or how about six straight hours of gut-wrenching agony as Cassandra, the Boss of Baseball, gives it all up to be with Ricky, the bike messenger, who has doubts about his marriage to Donna Ann, former governor and part-time computer hacker, who is torn between Patrick, the dancing taxidermist, and Del, the lobster impressionist, who is third in line for the throne of Galloway, but who would rather spend his time on the road with John and Sean, in their quest for the essence of cheese. Meantime, feuding sisters and cloth analysts Aislinn and Sinead are postponing their one-woman snowshoe recital in order to apply for citizenship, much to the delight of their mother Deana, former Duchess of Linden, now plying her trade in building materials, and to the dismay of their father, former all-pro caddy Duke Greenhills. On the south coast, Louie and Marie await the next harvest before they bestow a visit on antiques legend Fred Rich and his partner in the great sugar scam of ’98, Laura Calladee. Milking whiz and former art patron Tony Ting, Jr., plots the getaway of Judith, further arousing the wrath of Big Jack, leader of the Society of Non-Extremist Methodology, who is currently embroiled in a quest for power with the Harley-riding Susanna Royalrock, and Olga, the all-wise seer of Bellvale. On the other side of the globe, Kimberly waits patiently for the return of her former podiatrist, Dr. Andrew
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Mopping Tall! Guapo, son of former representative and current soccer plaintiff Jake Dubb, brother of the beloved Derek, husband to Sharon, the contessa of Walnut Grove, and advisor to the oil prophet Steve Jackson, currently shackled to the wheel of a ’66 Bonneville. Over at the Cape, it’s a big day for the skiffle crew, as they prepare the launch of the roving mulcher in their bid to destroy asteroid YME-105, scheduled to collide with the Scotch distillery at noon today (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!). If that doesn’t suit you, why not tune into tomorrow’s program when we explain the mysteries of the rubber mallet, show you how to prepare a kick-ass peanut casserole, and unveil the sordid truth about Humpty Dumpty and his nefarious role in the disappearance of Little Bo Peep’s sheep. All this, plus the music of Ludwig von Beethoven. Don’t miss it! Of course, you could simply watch Vanna spin letters while yelling “Its a W, not an M, you stupid bastard!” at the contestants, but the novelty wears thin after the third commercial break. Add to this plugs for feminine hygiene products, hair spray, menstrual cramp relievers, and it's guaranteed you'll be jumping off the roof after 90 minutes. Rent a movie instead. Something meaty, like “Goldfinger”, “My Cousin Vinny”. “There’s Something about Mary”, Super Bowl XXXVI (Go Pats!), or “Rio Bravo” (even Angie Dickinson was macho. Remember how she saved the Duke with that flowerpot?). Unless you dig them, avoid the chick-flick syndrome, stuff like “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” or “Bridges of Madison County” (Why, Clint? WHY?). These will not improve your psyche. If cable or satellite TV has arrived in the 'hood, you're in somewhat better luck. Many channels show good movies throughout the day, and superstation WGN blesses us with a healthy dose of the White Sox and Cubs throughout the baseball season, as does TBS with the Atlanta Braves. The all-sports channels tend to run hot and cold, alternating between fishing and golf (more fun to do than to watch) to classic baseball matchups and professional wrestling (does it get any better than this?). If you're fortunate enough to subscribe to one of the premium channels or sports packages, chances are there'll be something worth watching during the week at least 10 times per month. It all depends on your taste. Plan your leisure-time activities around these occurrences. Other Activities Naturally, life does not begin and end with teevee. There are plenty of other things you can do to give yourself a break from the house. Enjoy a lunch with your friends, both employed and unemployed. You can exchange recipes, ideas, employment tips, or sports statistics. Take a class. Many places offer courses on subjects from cooking to computers to car repair. Some are free of charge! You may even be able to learn a new trade, if you’d like. Surf the Web. You can learn all kinds of things, from nuclear fission to the lyrics to the Maverick theme (that line, “Natchez to New Orleans” always threw me).
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Mopping Tall! If you have a PC at home, go online to learn more about its wonderful capabilities. Or just have fun with e-mail. Send everyone on your mailing list a link to a Web site with “Check it out!” in the subject line. Then, before sending, add to the body message, “Don’t bother!” Join the “Y”. It’s a low-cost and effective way to exercise and network. And if you manage to join the YWCA, all the better! Plan a trip to a museum. Yes, the Baseball Hall of Fame qualifies. When questioned as to your whereabouts for the day, tell the Grand Inquisitor that you're “spending the day at a renowned learning center in central New York.” After all, it was here that I discovered Babe Ruth's uniform size (46), Al Kaline's and Roy Campanella's uniform numbers (6 and 39, respectively), Ted Williams' strike zone, and the distance down the right field line at the old Comiskey Park (352 feet, same as the left field line). You might even try an exciting new adventure by checking out an art, science, or historical museum. These places are great - don't underestimate them! Your wife will be so shocked that you visited such a place that she won't even notice that dinner was delivered by a guy in a chicken suit. If such places are old hat to you, why not visit them again? After all, the exhibits change constantly. Plus, many museums offer discounts or even freebies on certain days. Don't pass up these golden opportunities to increase your knowledge for less! Take in a movie. See a film that you love, but your wife despises, something heavy with testosterone. Grab those bargain matinee seats! Another option, especially during the holiday season, is to shop for gifts. During weekday daylight hours, there aren't as many people out there browsing for bargains. Don't miss this chance to play Santa, especially if you're not sure what you want to give the people in your life. During the week, salespeople can spend extra time with you and offer their insights because they're not being pressured by 10,000 maniacs (shoppers, not musicians). Also hit those discount stores where angels fear to tread on weekends. If you're really lucky, you live in a city where day baseball still exists. The Chicago Cubs play a majority of games in the sunshine, with great giveaways (mugs, towels, gym bags), and teams such as the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and San Francisco Giants play numerous mid-week afternoon affairs, at least one per homestand, with similar fan freebies. If baseball ain’t your thing but architecture is, opt for a tour of the ballpark instead. For those of us in smaller towns, there's independent and minor-league baseball, with similar giveaways as the bigs, at much lower prices. There's also many highly entertaining and competitive high-school and college teams playing all kinds of sports. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy the fun, and still make it home in time to nuke that leftover stew in the old microwave! Speaking of fun, don't forget local beaches, state and national parks, and bowling alleys, arcades, and miniature golf.
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Mopping Tall! Leave us not forget the library. These places are a storehouse of information, all there for the borrowing. Some even have CDs and movies, and the cost for everything is the same – free! You can’t beat that price anywhere on the planet! Finally, write a book about your favorite activity, hobby, or topic. I think I did. And if I can do it, why can’t you? Whatever you decide to do in your leisure time, make sure that you take advantage of the many ways you can enjoy life. Just because you're not working doesn't mean that you can't go on living!
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Chapter Double Dozen Plus One: How Your Spouse Can Understand You Completely (and vice-versa) In this chapter, I’m going to pass along some heavy-duty information about how you and your wife can completely understand each other and avoid any miscommunication. (This section intentionally left blank) Okay, I admit that I can’t help the two of you to understand each other completely. You guys will have to carry the ball on this one. However, I can pass along what I call the Ten Trusty Tips. The first eight tips are required; the last two are optional. Make sure to put them to good use, amico: 1. Communicate with each other. 2. Listen to what your spouse has to say. 3. Spend time together. 4. Be honest with each other. 5. Be patient with each other. 6. When in doubt, ask. 7. Consider your spouse’s feelings as well as your own. 8. Love one other unconditionally – don’t skimp on the affection. 9. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Now you understand why she may be a tad irritable after her day at work. Those imported numbers kill your feet, don’t they? Imagine wearing them for eight solid hours! 10. Share the remote, at least on weeknights (Monday evenings during football season excepted).
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SECTION IVY Recipes and Other Strangers Congratulations, Brother! You’ve done a great job so far! We are now into the home stretch of housework. Here is where we take everything we learned and put it to use by trying out some recipes and a taking a quiz (don’t worry; it won’t affect your overall grade). There’s also a “Helpful Hints” section where we can share ideas. Are you ready to rock? Excellent! Let’s roll…
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This Chapter: Now You’re Cookin’ The following chapter contains some easy, mouth-watering recipes for you to try. But First…a Word About Garlic, an item worthy of capitalization This little number is yet another of God's great gifts to people like ourselves, dudes who need a cookbook to make frozen waffles or step-by-step instructions in 3-D to use our coffeemaker. Garlic makes everyone a cook. Why? Because unlike most other items added to food, Garlic actually does something. It may screw up the meal entirely, but I promise you, throw Garlic into something and your significant other will think you've been spending the whole day preparing the meal. And it's not because she's stupid, mind you. (After all, she had the brains, good taste and foresight to marry you, right?) Nope, it's because, like yourself, she realizes that you have no cooking talent whatsoever, so if the dinner is flavorful, or at least edible, it's a good day. But enough about that. It's time for us to share a wonderful little secret, the secret of Garlic. Garlic comes in many different forms, from the safe (Garlic Powder, Garlic Salt), to the challenging (prepared and crushed) to the truly adventurous (whole cloves generously given to you by Mr. Luigi next door). A Helpful Hint: If your father-in-law has a garden that's second to none, and Mr. Luigi from next door happens to pass off some of his home-grown cloves to you, give your spouse’s dad a couple to plant in his little Eden. He'll love you for it! You will never be a slimeball in his eyes again. A slob, maybe; an underpaid loser, definitely; a lecherous bastard who married his daughter for money and lust, absolutely. But a slimeball, never again. Hey it's a start. You may even get to watch football with the old coot, and pound down some brewskis as well (hope you like the bargain-bin special). Just watch any remarks you make about the cheerleaders, unless it's something like, “That woman has nothing on your daughter. I'm just so glad that your daughter has not only beauty and intelligence, but piety and virtue as well.” You'll be on his good side forever, or for a week at least. Hey, it almost worked for me. I thought I was golden when my father-in-law thanked me for my little spiel, but then he added that he could take my little speech, plant it in the ground, and get some REALLY big crops because I was full of bovine excrement, or something like that. Then he added something about planting me along with the crops. What a kidder!
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Mopping Tall! But I digress. Garlic must be used in the proper dishes. Most mainland European cooking uses Garlic. It seems to work especially well with Italian foods, notably in gravy and its partner in good taste, meatballs. Okay, I digress again. Before we move any further, let’s end the “gravy/sauce” debate here and now. Take notes, there’s a quiz later. If your tomato-based macaroni topping contains anything, such as meat, fish, or vegetables, it’s gravy. Otherwise, it’s marinara. Sauce comes from a jar. Capisce? Good. Let’s proceed…. If you're a novice, use powdered Garlic, and go easy. If you have half an idea of what you're doing, season to taste. When in doubt, add a little extra. If your partner has a squeamish stomach, and you'll know this if she constantly orders burgers and fries in La Cantina Mexicana, then go easy. A little Garlic adds a subtle flavor; too much takes you straight to old Napoli. Make moderation your watchword. What do you use it in? Well, like I said, gravy, meatballs, on beef (just a touch before roasting or broiling), with chicken (likewise), fish, (a little bit more can't hurt), and roasted potatoes (back to the light touch). What not to use Garlic with: chocolate pudding (a major no-no), oatmeal (brought a frown to the old Quaker's face), waffles (are you nuts???), peanut butter (in a sandwich with bananas AND bacon???), and fruit compote (ARGGHHHH!!!). Check out the recipe for macaroni later in this book for a good Garlic-using recipe. If you screw up, invite your brother-in-law over for chow. The SOB eats you out of house and home all the time, so it's only fair game to use him as a prospective garbage disposal. Recipes Let's start simple with one I call “Pain flambe avec beurre.” While this dish is a big hit in Europe, it's even more popular in the United States. You'll probably recognize it by it's rather undescriptive American name, “Toast.” Here's what you'll need: Bread Butter, margarine, jelly, jam, peanut butter, etc. Toasting device, such as a toaster or toaster oven Don't be intimidated by THE PROCEDURE: Place the bread in the toaster or toaster oven. Set the toasting level. Somewhere in the middle is recommended. Turn on the toasting device, usually by pressing the button that says “Toast”.
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Mopping Tall! Remove when brown. While hot, spread butter/margarine/peanut butter over one side. Add jam, jelly, or preserves as desired. 2 slices equals one serving. Estimated task time: 5 minutes Good job! Once you've mastered this recipe (as I hope to someday) you'll never again hear those terrible words “This from a man who can't make toast.” Okay, let's turn it up a notch. Les Saucisses Meilleux A truly inspiring dish that will make you a hero to your kids. The best part is, you can prepare it all at once! Here's what you'll need: One pack of hot dogs. What really kicks is that there are so many different kinds out there, you can’t miss. You can opt for all-beef, fat-free, kosher, vegetarian, turkey, and more. Choose the dog that fits your lifestyle and diet. One pack of buns One can of baked beans (small can for 2 people; large can for 3 or more) Condiments (No, not those rubber things you use during sex now that you've had six kids and are too chicken to get your tubes tied! I mean stuff like mustard, relish, ketchup, and diced onions, wise-guy!) Round cooking pan at least 5”- 6” wide and 3”- 4” deep Smaller round cooking pan THE PROCEDURE - Hot Dogs: Fill the large pan with water. Throw in the dogs (2 per person is a fair estimate). After the water comes to a boil (when bubbles appear) cook the dogs for 5 minutes more.
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Mopping Tall! If you want to heat your buns, use the toaster oven. Then toast the ones for the hot dogs as well. (You haven't forgotten how to make toast already? Toasting your buns follows the same guidelines. Observe.)
THE PROCEDURE – Bun Toasting: Set the toaster oven on 250 and heat the buns for 5 minutes, turning once. Or, simply toast them as you would an ordinary piece of bread. Next, throw out the package the buns came in and tell your family you slaved over a hot stove all afternoon baking these beauties. Remove the dogs and place in buns. You and your fellow diners in haute cuisine can add mustard, relish, ketchup, cheese, and onions as desired (skip the raspberry jam). Or really go to town and heat up a can of chili or sauerkraut to spoon over the dogs. Yum! Estimated task time: 10 - 15 minutes Now, the legumes. Open up a can of Friends, Campbells, B&M (what does that stand for, anyway?), Bush’s, or any other heat-and-serve baked beans. THE PROCEDURE - Baked Beans: Empty the beans into the small pan. Simmer, stirring with a spoon at 2-minute intervals. Remove when bubbling and serve. Add salsa or ketchup, if desired. Simmer, in case you're not sure, means to cook using a low flame. Don't apply high heat to these babies or you'll spend the rest of the night chiseling the remains off of the pan. Molasses, you know. And if this stuff could wipe out a city (see Boston, January 1919), imagine what it can do to your Revereware. Estimated task time: 7 - 10 minutes
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Mopping Tall! After that great American dinner, keep the tradition alive and serve up some tasty oldfashioned store-bought apple pie and good, wholesome milk. A Helpful Hint: Despite separate cooking procedures for hot dogs, beans, and buns, this is an easily prepared repast whose entities should be undertaken simultaneously (WHA???). That is, cook everything at the same time. Start with the dogs, then throw on the beans. After 10 minutes, take care of your buns (don't forget the ones for the hot dogs, either). Follow THE PROCEDUREs closely, and a sumptuous feast will be yours for the eating in mere minutes. Ain't life grand! Don’t stop now, baby! It’s Two in a Row Time on Radio House Chef! This one goes out to all you househusbands out there...it's called “Another Helpful Hint.” Should you need help when cooking, follow one hard and fast marriage survival tip NEVER CALL YOUR WIFE AT WORK FOR COOKING ADVICE!! She'll only worry that you are about to severely screw something up and that when she does arrive home, at best the kitchen will resemble Pompeii after Vesuvius, or at worst, Chicago after Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Call your mother, father, sister, brother, mother-in-law (a good way to get on her good side, mind you), or a friend. One of these people will have the right answer. Just don't ask your wife, unless she's at home. I remember one time I was visiting a buddy in San Francisco, when he called and asked if I could start dinner because he was going to be late coming home from work. PANIC!!! I had never prepared dinner for my fellow homo sapiens before. Then I remembered, “MOM”! So I placed a (collect) call to my dear mother, asked her how to prepare scallops, took down her simple and patient instructions, then basically followed them except for throwing in half of the can of beer I was drinking (got kinda warm during the phone call). Still, I came out smelling like a rose. Until I got home. I never realized how expensive it is to call from San Francisco to Medford (MA) in prime time. Broiled Fish Here's what you'll need: 1/2 to 3/4 pound of fish per person. Get a good white fish such as haddock. Scrod tends to be the catch of the day and can be either sole, haddock, or cod. What the hell, they all taste about the same, anyway. Just don't pay haddock prices for cod. Butter (not much) Bread crumbs (2 tablespoons) Garlic powder Oregano Baking pan about 1” - 2” deep and wide enough to contain the fish
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Mopping Tall! THE PROCEDURE: Try to remove all the bones from the fish. These things are worse than mosquitoes in July. They hide everywhere, pop up when you least expect them, and can be dangerous in the wrong spots. To cut down on deboning, buy filets. You'll still have to check for bones, but there won't be as many. Roll the fish in bread crumbs or drizzle the bread crumbs over the fish, if you prefer. Place the fish in the pan. Sprinkle a little garlic powder and oregano on the fish, then put some small pieces of butter on top of it. Set the oven for 350 degrees. Place the fish in the oven and cook for 12 to 20 minutes, or until the fish flakes easily and is white and tender. Chow time! Estimated task time: 25 - 45 minutes, depending on how bony the fish is Macaroni and Sauce Marinara The long-awaited recipe arrives! Here's what you'll need: Use 1 box ziti, shells, or any other type of macaroni per 4 people Be real and stop calling it “pasta”! It’s “macaroni”, “spaghetti”, or “ravioli”! Unless you are speaking Italian in the Homeland, stop calling it “pasta”! Only yuppie wannabes (“Bibsy and I are going for paste-uh tonight”) and phony restaurants with a bad attitude and worse chow (“Whut wood ewe like four your paste-uh course, monsieur?”) call it pasta anyway, and only yuppie gavones (real beauts) pronounce it “paste-uh”. For that, you should be forced to drink your own bath water - after you wash off! 2 cans tomatoes, such as Kitchen Ready or Progresso. Try Ground Peeled or Chunky style. Don't use whole tomatoes unless you want to puree them yourself. 1 small can tomato paste (optional). 1 – 2 tablespoons olive oil (the real stuff, not that by-product from corn) Garlic - salt, powder, or cloves Oregano Any other seasonings you know, except for cinnamon and ginger (UGH - with tomatoes? What are you, sick???) Salt Baking soda (such as Arm and Hammer) or sugar 2 large cooking pots at least 4”- 5” deep
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Mopping Tall! Colander This looks like a big two-handled bowl with holes. That's because it is a big, twohandled bowl with holes! THE PROCEDURE - Marinara: You'll want to prepare the marinara first. You can either make it well before dinner, then heat it using a low flame for 15 - 20 minutes while you prepare the macaroni, or you can prepare both together. See Step 8. Now on to the specifics: 1. Empty the canned tomatoes into one of the pots. 2. Add the olive oil. 3. Spoon in the tomato paste (optional) Tomato paste thickens the marinara. If you skip the tomato paste, skip step 4 as well. 4. Add water for the desired consistency (between _ cup to a cup should do it). 5. Add in the garlic powder or garlic salt to taste. See below if you are using garlic cloves. 6. Add other seasonings to taste. 7. Now really strut your stuff. De-acidize the marinara by adding in a teaspoon of sugar or baking soda (the stuff in the yellow box, not the red and yellow can). 8. Heat over a medium flame until bubbling, then simmer (remember what that means?). After 10 minutes of simmering, you can get started on the macaroni. See the next recipe for details. Keep simmering until dinner is ready. If you are preparing the marinara ahead of time, simmer for 30 minutes, let cool, and refrigerate. Makes 4 servings. A Helpful Hint: If you are using garlic cloves, before you begin, finely chop 2 cloves. Brown the garlic in 2 tablespoons of olive oil, then proceed to step 1 of THE PROCEDURE. Skip steps 2 and 5, since you’ve already added these ingredients. Refrigerate or freeze any leftover marinara for another day. Estimated task time: 30 - 60 minutes THE PROCEDURE - Macaroni: 1. If you've already made your marinara and need to reheat it, do so at this time. Simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
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Mopping Tall! 2. Fill the other pot (the macaroni pot) half-way with water. Apply moderate to high heat and bring to a boil. 3. Add some salt. A couple of shakes will do. 4. Throw in the macaroni. 5. Cook for about 10 minutes. 6. With a fork, take out one or two pieces of macaroni, run under cold water, and sample. If hard, cook a little more (2 - 5 minutes) and repeat this testing scenario. 7. Put your colander in the sink. Turn off the stove. Bring the macaroni pot over to the sink, and dump the macaroni into the colander. Shake the colander to remove the excess H2O. 8. Rinse the macaroni with cold water, shake the colander to remove the excess water, and put the macaroni back into the pot. 9. Pour about 3/4 cup of the marinara into the pot with the macaroni and mix together. 10. Pour about 2 cups of marinara in a small pitcher or bowl to serve on the side. Don't forget to turn off the heat under the marinara! Estimated task time: 15 - 20 minutes Hey, a green salad and a loaf of fresh-baked bread (there are stores that provide this stuff so we don't overexert), and you're ready for a night of fine dining, and maybe, a bit of amore afterwards. So it's probably best to try this recipe on a weekend night, before you both pass out in front of the tube watching the 10 O'Clock News. Well, that's it for recipes. If you'd like more, there are plenty of fine cookbooks out there. These cookbooks range from novice to expert, so don't be afraid to read, learn, and experiment. And, don't forget, when all else fails, there's always Hamburger Helper and Hungry Man Dinners. Not to mention Vinnie’s Pizza and Peking Gourmet.
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Next to Last Chapter: Take the Hint We’re into the home stretch, amico. In this chapter, we’re going to take a look at some Helpful Hints. This information differs from the “Helpful Hints” spread throughout this book in that they are not tied to any particular chore or procedure. They’re just some good things to know that I thought I’d pass along. Some you may be familiar with; others will astound you. Additionally, I’ve left some space for you to jot down any heretofore unknown information you may dig up in your jaunts around the old homestead. Helpful Hints – Mine Trying to make a banana cream pie or fruit salad but those banana slices turn brown on you when you leave them out for too long? To keep the brown out, coat them lightly with lemon juice. Love fries but hate the fat? Why not cut up a couple of potatoes into shoestring shapes, place them on a cookie tray prepared with vegetable spray, and bake them at 350 degrees until golden brown? They’re lighter, just as tasty (especially after you douse them with ketchup), and have mucho less calories. Are your car battery terminals covered with acid (that white, cheesy-looking stuff)? Sprinkle some baking soda on the acid, and wash it off with a cup of water. Make sure to wear eye protection, as baking soda really makes the acid bubble up. You didn’t mean to get paint on the taillight. You just wanted to touch up the paint on the fender. But now, there’s a big white blotch smack in the middle of the red plastic. What to do? Pour a small amount of gasoline on a rag and rub the afflicted area. The paint should come off easily. Remember, this is gasoline we’re using, so no smoking, please. Are mold and mildew making weird, ugly patterns on your porch ceiling? What’s supposed to be white has a big, blackish-brown zebra stripe? Grab a bucket, a wet mop or sponge, and some bleach. Apply the bleach to the affected area. The mold and mildew should be nothing but an unpleasant memory. When performing this task, do not wear colored clothing, unless it’s that ratty old yard stuff you don’t give two shakes about. Remember, bleach is potent stuff, and will remove color from just about anything, including hair. Also, make sure to wear eye protection. And what about the grime on your deck? Mix some bleach and water, grab a mop, and swab that deck, just like you did in the Navy. Or was it the Army? The Boy Scouts? If you have a deck constructed of pressure-treated wood, you should apply either water sealant or paint, but not both. Make sure you use oil-based paint on pressure-treated
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Mopping Tall! wood. Latex-based paint tends to split, crack, and chip. When in doubt, consult the expert at your local home-improvement center. Snow has fallen in your neck of the woods. What’s that? You’re out of ice melt and sand? Ah, but you have a cat. To prevent guests from breaking their necks, sprinkle kitty litter on those icy spots. That’s it for my Helpful Hints. The following section is all yours. Who knows – you may discover some innovation that will not only save time and effort, but also garner you fame and fortune. Good luck! Helpful Hints – Yours
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Chapter the Last: A Quizzical Look! Okay kids, it's quiz time. We're going to see how much we learned in our little romp through the land of working around the house and yard. 1. When doing the laundry, what should you never wash together: A) Socks and nylons B) Underwear and panties C) White clothes with colors that run D) Sheets and pillow cases 2. When cleaning your toilet bowl, which of these is the proper cleaning product? A) Sandpaper B) Cleanser/non-abrasive C) Laundry detergent D) A blowtorch 3. The most dust-susceptible element is which of the following? A) Wood B) Porcelain C) Plastic D) Silk 4. The cupboard is bare. What should you do? A) Vacuum the rug B) Go food shopping C) Rinse out your socks D) Play the “Pet Sounds” CD (Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys at their harmonious best)
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5. When shopping, you should check meats for: A) Temperature B) Attitude C) The thrill of it all D) Fat content 6. What produces steam in an iron? A) Your wife, after she sees what you’ve done to her favorite silk blouse B) Mr. Steammaker, the kindly little old gent who resides in Mr. Iron C) Water, just like in a tea kettle D) 30-weight Pemex Brio (a fairly decent motor oil available just south of the west Texas town of El Paso) 7. Your in-laws are offering you information regarding potential employment. What should you do? A) Get your wife involved (Haven't read this chapter yet, have we?) B) Listen to them C) Invite them for dinner (C'mon, they haven't done anything that bad!) D) Be gentle and understanding (New millennium wimp!) 8. When you remove the lid from a pudding snack, you should: A) Throw it away B) Eat it C) Wash it D) Lick it (While this question has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this book, it is a good test of common sense and tongue-eye coordination.)
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Mopping Tall! 9. How can you tell when it's time to vacuum? A) A dirt ball has taken control of the TV remote B) You forgot the original color of the living-room rug C) A mushroom patch has sprouted next to the Barcolounger D) All of the above 10. When waxing a floor, what should you avoid? A) Waxing yourself into a corner B) Second-hand smoke C) Sweets, fats, and red meats D) An oncoming truck 11. The only living thing in a refrigerator should be: A) An elephant (you know, the one from the old joke who leaves his footprints in the jello) B) A freshly bought lobster C) Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy D) The Keebler Elves 12. The only time you should put dishwashing liquid in a dish washer is if: A) You are totally insane B) A fan of Lawrence Welk C) Both A and B D) Neither A, B, C, or D (confusing, huh?) 13. What cleaning agent is popular as a whitener? (this one’s a toughie!) A) Bleach B) Bleach C) Bleach D) Bleach
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Mopping Tall! 14. How long should you bake a potato in a conventional oven? A) As long as it wants B) 5 minutes C) 6 months ought to do it D) At least an hour 15. Why is it smart to have 2 sets of sheets? A) So you can use one set while you wash the other set B) In case you left one set in your clarinet case C) In case of snow emergency D) So you can use one set as a tent 16. Which side of the window should you clean first? A) Outside B) Inside C) Top D) Bottom 17. Who led the American League in batting in 1957? A) Mickey Mantle B) Al Kaline C) Ted Williams D) Minnie Minoso (Just want to make sure you're still paying attention!) 18. What was Babe Ruth's uniform size with the Yankees, based on the display at the Baseball Hall of Fame? A) 46 B) 52 C) 42 stout D) 8 EEE (I liked that first baseball question so much I had to put in another. Besides, the answer is somewhere in the book. Dig it up!)
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19. You decide to change closets and are packing away the heavy clothes. Chances are, we’re in the month of…. A) February B) August C) April D) Wednesday 20. What is mulch? A) Anything you put around plants, usually ground-up tree bark B) A delicious chocolate coating C) A gasoline additive D) The plural of “much” 21. What is made from tomatoes, contains meatballs, and goes over macaroni? A) Sauce B) Marinara C) Gravy D) All of the above 22. If your push mower stops for some unexplained reason… A) The spark plug is shot B) It’s out of gas C) You’re out of gas D) The carburetor fell off 23. “O Sole Mio” served as the basis for what chart-topping Elvis hit? A) “Suspicious Minds” B) “It’s Now or Never” C) “Heartbreak Hotel” D) “Love Me Tender”
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24. What makes an excellent groundhog repellent? A) Fox urine B) A really nasty note C) 99-cent vino D) Hairspray 25. When raising a garden, what is important? A) Patience B) Cooperative weather C) Regular care D) All of the above
And now...THE ANSWERS 1. C 2. B 3. A 4. B 5. D 6. C 7. B 8. D 9. D 10. A 11. B 12. C 13. A, B, C, or D. If you missed this one, you shouldn't be reading books on your own. You might hurt yourself. 14. D 15. A 16. B 17. C. Teddy Ballgame lead the majors with a walloping .388.
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Mopping Tall! 18. A 19. C 20. A 21. C, as in “C I told you there would be a quiz later on…” 22. C 23. B 24. A 25. D Score 100 points for each correct answer. (How’s that for a guaranteed passing grade?) Now, the moment of truth…how many did you ace, Ace? Every stinking one of them: Norton, you are a genius! Between 20-24: You are a definite asset to your family, a veritable combination of Emeril, Hazel, and a professional landscaper. Between 15 - 19: You have most of this stuff nailed down, with the help of a pointer or two. Between 10 - 14: You’re off to a good start, but need improvement in some areas. Keep on pluggin’…. Between 5 - 10: No, it's the other end of the broom that you sweep with! (If this be your lot, I hope you're wealthy enough to afford professional help, for example, a maid, a cook, and a gardener.) Below 5: Let me guess. Your spouse gave you this book as a gift. You have no intention of ever reading it, you hate housework, you despise this concept, and you hate me. You happened to wind up here because you grabbed the wrong tome on your way to the lavatory. That’s okay… I’ll get over it…just give me a minute. All we wanted to do was to bring a little enjoyment into your life, and this is how you thank us, YOU INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH BASTARD!!! This is how you show your appreciation, by spitting on our gift? Well, let me tell you something buster, you better change your act, AND I MEAN RIGHT AWAY! NOW TURN TO PAGE 1 AND READ THIS THING COVER TO COVER! RIGHT NOW, I SAID!!!! Whew! Thanks! I feel a lot better now.
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Mopping Tall!
Epilogue Well, good buddy, that's about it. Thanks for taking the time to read my masterpiece. I really hope it brought you some enjoyment, and more importantly, increased your knowledge and gave you new appreciation for the joys of housework and yard work. Don't forget to keep a proper perspective. Losing your job is trying, but manageable. Keep in mind the good things around you - your spouse, your family, your health (NEVER underestimate this), the roof over your head, and the food on your table….besides, you'll be back in the saddle before you know it, and things will improve. So, it's arrivederci, my friend. Now get your ass into the kitchen and get dinner going! Why not do the macaroni thing tonight? And, for God's sake (not to mention your family's) don't forget the Garlic! Thanks for your patronage! It's the Lid! (The End, that is!)
END OF BOOK © Copyright Lou Delena All rights reserved
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