Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

WhenLovingTooMuch Hurts TooMuch ttl startedhurting on the bottom of my

.

stomach.The pain wasunbelievable.It waslike, oh, God, why doesn'thejust call?I didn't go to work. I'djust sit and drink wine cooler afterwine cooler . . . all the time thinking about him.')

.

"Iwaited patienth fo, two yearsfor her to leaveher husband,but nothing changed.I kept telling myself, well,if I'mjust patient. . .I felt like I was on a torture rack."

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ttlt wasvery melodramatic,like

somethingout of a bad movie.I knew I wasn't about to actuallyburn his housedown, but I couldn't stop thinkirg aboutit."

.

t'I'm afraidof the total emptinessI used feel. to I'm afraidit'll comeback.Justtotal emptiness."

.

ttl kept callinginto the night, but she wouldn't answer the phone.So Ijust kept goingat it on and otr,over and over.Like a robot."

These people regained their emotional wholenessand freedom.You can, too. This compassionateand practical book will show,you the way.

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Acknowledgmenfs

I'd like to thankseveralpeoplewho helpedmakethis book become a reality. First and foremost,my treasuredcollaboratorand friend, Craig Buck. This is our third book togetherand his insights,talent,skill, patience,and never-failinggood humor continueto amazeme. This is alsothe third book I've done with my editor, Toni Burbank. I wish I could tell you how brilliant, knowledgeable,caring, dedicated,and extraordinarilycompetentshe is, but she'sfar too modestto allowme to be so laudatory. I'd alsolike to thank Linda Grey,StuartApplebaum,and all the other wonderfulpeople at BantamBookswho alwaysgo the extra mile for me. And my agents,Lynn Nesbit and Ken Sherman,for their continuedsupport and encouragement. My colleagueand dearfriend Nina Miller, M.F.C.C.,and Marty Farash,M.F.C.C.,havebeenmore thangenerousin allowingme to pick their brainsto enrich the conceptualfoundationof this book. As always, mI family and friends-especially my daughter,

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Contents

Introduction

I

PART ONE. OBSESSIVELOVERS

15

1. The One Magic Person

T7

2. Opening the Floodgates

38

3. From Pursuit to Revenge

62

4. The SaviorComplex

77

PATTTTWO. TARGETSOF OBSESSIVELOVERS

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5. The Co-obsessive Thrget

109

6. Breakirg Up Is Hard to Do

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7. When ObsessionTurns to Violence

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lntroduction

q omethirg wasn't right when Gloria arrived at work. All eyes tJwere on her as she walked through the newsroomtoward her oflice.Many of her co-workersweresmiling like guestsat a surprise parfy knowing the birthday girl has arrived at the door. Her adrenalinebeganto pump. Wasshegettinga promotion?Did her brother and sister-in-lawhave their babyPDid her vacationrequestcome through? As Gloria swung open the door to her office she was overwhelmedby the smell of roses.Covering the entire surfaceof her desk was a breathtakingarrangementof at least six do zen of the mostbeautifulred rosesshehad everseen.What wasthe occasionP She checkedthe calendaron her watch. May 2. The date meant nothing. Then it dawnedon her.They were fromJi*. The fearand angerhit her like a train.Why couldn'tJim understandthat she didn't want to seehim anymore?Why wouldn't he

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1AO1lArSSlSsO I e

Introduction| 3 jealousy thatshefelt suffocated.What had startedout aspassionbegan to feelmorelike prison. Shehad tried to get him to understand her feelings,to understand that she needed to have more independence,to feellesslike a possession, but nothing shesaidseemed to make any difference.Finally,shelost patienceand told him she didn't want to seehim anymore.When he beggedher to reconsider, she tried to let him down easy? but shestill held firm. In the ensuingmonths,he had refusedto giveup. Shefelt driven, by his never-endingcampaigr to win her back, to becomeincreasingly assertive.Shewas convincedthat the kindest thing shecould do was to gethim to give up on her so that he could offer his enormous passionto someonewho would appreciateit. Ji* satat his desk,waitirg for Gloria'scall, rehearsingthe words he would use.He openeda file to appearto be studyinga contract should anyonewalk into his office.But work was the last thing on his mind. After threehours of bouncingbetweenhope and anxiety, he sensedhis growing angeroverGloria'sblindnessto his loveand to her own true desires.He fought off this anger by rationalizing that she wasn't calling from her office becauseshe wouldn't have time for all the catchingup they'd haveto do. But his headwas so full of thingshe wanted to tell her that he picked up a pen and began to write her a letter.By the time he finished,he had filled twelve pages. Gloria couldn't concentrateon work either.Whenevershetried to edit the story on her desk,her thoughtsreturned toJim. Wasshe encouraginghim withoutreaJizirgit? When shebrokeup with him, shemayhavegivenhim double messages in trying to sparehis feelings, but shehad becomepainfully blunt since.A chilling thought seizedher: what if he tried to kill himselfPWould it be her faultP Her headbeganto ache. About eight o'clock that night, Ji* finally decided that he couldn't wait any longer. The roseshad apparentlynot done the job, but he didn't careanymore.Ile felt like he wasaboutto explode from the pressureof his own anxiety.He had to hear her voice.So he calledher.Shehung up. He wasdevastated.

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lntroduction |

5

Ji* What makesme do thesethings?I'm a lawyer-I'm supposedto act logically.But when it comesto Gloria, I just can't. Am I going to be like this foreverPI feellike I'm never going to get over her. Am I going to be screwingup my relationshipsfor the rest of my life? I can't go on like this. It's too painful.Is there anythingI can doP I toldJim that I understoodhow alone,confused,and out of control he felt. Most obsessorsfeel this way, yet they often have nowhere to turn for support. Their friendsand family can't understandwhy they don'tjust ttforgetabout" their lover and get on with their lives.Becausetheir behavioris so oftenoppressive,they rarely find a slrmpatheticearunlessthey seekprofessionaltreatment,and sometimesnot eventhen. I assuredJim that if he really wanted to change,I wantedto help. The fact that he had chosento comein to seeme was an important first step. As I beganto work withJi* to find answersto his questions,I realized that thesesamequestionsmust be going through the minds of millions of other troubled,hurting obsessive lovers. By the -sametoken, I knew that Gloria must be plagued by questions of her own. Shouldn't she have known early on that somethingwas wrong? Was she unwittingly feedingJi*'s obsession? Why couldn't she get him to takeher seriouslyPWould she ever be able to trust another loverPWhile I sympathizedwith Jim's pain, I alsofelt a lot of compassionfor Gloria. Thrgetsof obsessivelove are often forgotten victims. Their confidantsoften find their plight amusing or accusethem of exaggeratirgtheir lover's behavior. After Ji* left, I thought about the hundreds of obsessorsand many targetsof obsessivelove I had treatedover the years.I had been repeatedlymoved by thesemen and women whoseliveshad been dramaticallyalteredby this particularlydestructivetype of obsession.Many of the obsessors wereintelligent,attractive,successful people, who had been shocked and ashamedby their own behavioryet had felt powerlessto do anythingabout it. They had

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1AO1sAlSSr SsO | 9

lntroduction I Z Throughout this book I will be using the word "obsessive"to describecertain behavior.This is technicallyincorrect since the term ttobsessive"traditionallyrefersonly to thoughfs.The correct psychologicaladjectivefor behavior driven by obsessionis "compulsive."However?for simplicity'ssake,ir this book I havechosen to usethe one adjective,ttobsessiver" to describebehavioraswell as thoughts. Obsessivelove knows no gender.Both men and women can becomeobsessed,and both men and women can be targets.Obsessorsmay be completelyrationalin other areasof their lives or may be involved in other driven behaviors.These behaviorscan range from alcoholism,d*g addiction, or compulsivegamblirg to less publicrzed compulsionslike workaholism or rigid perfectionism. Anyonecan be an obsessor. Likewise, there are no rules about what kinds of people get singled out as targets.Some targets encouragetheir obsessive lover,othersbluntly refuseall contact.Sometargetsinitially share their lover'spassion,othersrejectit out of hand.Sometargetsare married to their obsessor,others barely know him or her. The only thing all targetshave in common is an unwanted, tireless pursuer.

TheMyth of the UltimatePassion Popularculture haslong cultivateda romanticfascinationfor obsessive love. In the miniseriesttNapoleonand Josephine"there is a wonderfullyeroticsceneduring which Armand Assante(Napoleon) expresses the power of his love forJacquelineBisset(Josephine)by telling her, ttYou are my obsession."A popular perfume uses the sameline in its TV adsto promisea shortcutto passionand romance for its users.In the best-sellingbook Presumed Innocent(and in the subsequentmovie),the main characterstill longsfor the hot sexuality of his obsessive love affair,evenafterhis lover'sdeath.Evensuch moviesas Play Misty for Me, Star 80, and Fatal Attraction, which

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IntroductionI I loving obsessivelovers may feel, they are controlled by their own needsand desires,often at the expenseof the needsand desiresof their target. Healthylove aspiresto trust, caring,and mutual respect.Obsessivelove,on the other hand, is dominatedby fear,possessiveness, andjealousy.Obsessiveloveis volatileand sometimesevendangerous. Ultimately,it never satisfies,it never nourishes,and it rarely feelsgood.

Are Youon Obsessive LoverT I certainlydon't meanto label everyintense,romanticrelationship as obsessive.I'm an extremely romantic person myself. I'm a pushoverfsr a candlelitdinner?a beautiful opera?or an eveningof dancing.In the first bloom ofpassionl-like almosteveryoneelsego through a stagethat seemsvery much like obsessivelove. It is possibleto becomevery preoccupiedwith a new lover without bei.g drivenby obsession. But obsessiveloversneveroutgrow that stateof preoccupation. Their world becomesincreasinglynarrow as they neglectfamily, friends,and activitiesthat werepreviouslyimportant to them in order to focusall of their attentionon their lover.And as their world narrows,their need for their lover increasesaccordingly.Should their lovernot continueto reciprocatetheir feelings,the blow is unbearable.Rejectionis the obsessor'sultimatenightmare. When confrontedwith the loss or growing disinterestof a lover, obsessors do not let go. Instead,they grow more desperate for their target'slove.This is key to understandingobsession: Rejection is the trigger of obsessivelove. Obsessiveloversare so caughtup in the maelstromof their passionsthat they simply refuseto acceptwhen a relationshipis over. Many of you alreadyknow that you are obsessive. Othersof you

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lntroduction |

11

13. Have you crossed the line to vandalism or even violence againstthis person or againstyourselfP If you answeredttytt" to three or more of thesequestions,you arean obsessive lover.But don't despair-obsessiveloveis not a genetic flaw but a way you and a lot of other peoplelearnedto try and meet normal needsfor loving and being loved. llou c&n overcome obsession.Anythirg learnedcanbe unlearned. Beforeyou can free yourselffrom the demonsof obsessivelove you must recognizehow much control they'vebeen exertingover your life. I know this is easiersaid than done. Obsessioncreatesits own shell of denial and confusion and then hides inside. But I promise you that this recognition will help you make positive changesin your life. (NOTE: If you answered"ym" to the last checklistquestion,in addition to readingthis book, you must seekprofessionalhelp immediat.ly,beforeyou permanentlyharm yourselfor someoneelse.)

Are Youthe Targetof Obsession? If you are in a troubled relationship or if you are the object of someone's unwanted attentions, the first step toward dealing ef: fectively with your situation is to determine whether your lover or admirer is in fact obsessive. The followirrg checklist will help you make that determination. Once you've made it, you'll be able to adopt appropriate strategies for taking back control of your life. I . Do you feelsuffocatedby your partner'sbehaviorP

2. Does someoneyou have discouragedtry repeatedlyto convince you that you don't know your bwn feelingsor desires, that you reallylove him or her? 3. Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it's over and continue to pursue you despite your objections?

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Introduction|

13

was coercedinto a sexualafhir by the womanwho was her supervisor at work, to the woman who miscarriedwhen shewas thrown down the stairsby her estrangedhusband. If you know thatyou are?or suspectthatyou might b", an obsessor,I want to help you get past your pain, confusion,and anxiety. In this book I will give you specificnew techniquesand strategies that will allow you to regain control of your emotions,rather than having them control you. I know some of you are thinking ttthat'simpossiblef'but I assureyou it isn't. You can learn reato son,to perceive,and to makerationaljudgmentswithout beingmisguided by your obsession.You canlearnto relateto other peoplein lessdesperateand driven ways.By confrontingthe sourceof your obsession,you can significantlylessenyour need to possessor be possessed by anotherhumanbeingin order to feelwhole. If you are the targetof someone'sobsessivelove, this book will reassureyou that you are not alone and show you how to reestablish some normalcyin your life. The peopleyou will meet in these pageswill help you understandwhat you're dealingwith and, in somecases? what you may be doing to inddvertentlyencourageyour obsessor'sattentions.You will learn to facethe difficult decisions you must maketo put a stop to your obsessor'sinvasivebehavior. This book offers specific communication,behavioral,and legal strategiesto enableyou to free yourselffrom your obsessor'soppressior, whetherit is merelyannoyingor actuallydangerous. Though obsessorsand targets may appear to have different probleffis, they sharea strong senseof powerlessnessover their lives.The obsessor'slife is dominatedby seeminglyuncontrollable impulses?passions,and hntasies, while the target's life is often dominatedby the needto escapeoppressiveand relentlesspursuit. With this book, I hope to help both obsessors and their targetsescapefrom the intensity,the pain, the chaos,the yearning,the powerlessness, and the power of obsessive love.

PARTONE

sive Obses Lovers

1

TheOneMagicPerson

I can'tbelieveI did all thosethings.The phone calls,the drive-bys,the letters,the tantrums,the threats. . . itjust wasn'tme. But it took me so long to get him out of my head. The way he looked, the way he smelled,the way he touched me . . . he drove me crazv. -Margaret t was Margaret'slast duy of therapy.She had worked hard to T I break free from the painful obsessivepatterns that had been plaguingher for the pastthreeyears,and shehad largelysucceeded. She was a very different woman from the depressed,desperate, volatileMargaretI had first met a year and a half earlier. Margaretis a willowl, red-haired,thirty-four-year-olddivorc6e who works as a paralegalwith a largelaw firm. Shecameto seeme becauseher preoccupationwith Phil-a lover who was clearlynot interestedin a monogamousrelationship-was makingher feel like shewas losing control of both her personaland her professional

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The One Magic Person |

19

in her description that could not just as easily describe the beginnings of some healthy relationshipr.Most ofus relish the giddy feelings that Margaret talked about. When we first fall in love, we feel like we're walking on air. Flowers smell more fragrant, music sounds more beautiful, the sky seemsbluer, our pulse quickens, our mood soars. These heightened sensations are not just imagin ary. Physical changes are triggered in our bodies by romantic feelings, hopes, and fantasies. Our heartbeat quickens, we become flushed? our adrenaline pumps, we experience hormonal changes, and our brains releaseendoqphins-the body's natural opiate. As a result of all this chernical activity, love is a physical state as well as a state of mind.

The ldealizedLover In the thrill and passionof a new romance,it is only naturalto seea lover throughrose-coloredglasses. We go out of our way to seeonly what we want to see,filtering our perceptionsthrough romanticexpectationsand dreams.This optimistic filtering of reality is called ttidealization." \Iou canseeidealizationat work in Margaret'sdescriptionof Phil. Margaret After a coupleweeks,he told me he was in love with me. I wasecstatic.He was so perfect.I felt like my life was finally roundirg out. Not only did I haveajob I liked, and my son seemedto be doing okay,but now,finally,I had this fantastic guy.The sexwas great,the talk wasgreat,he cookedthese romanticmeals,he evenfixed my car for me. I felt totally safe with him, notjust physicallybut emotionally.I'd finally found the man I was going to spendthe rest of my life with. He mademe feellike I wasmore than I'd everbeenbefore, like I was finally a whole person.And I knew therewasno one elseon earthwho could makeme feel that wav.

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TheOneMagicPerson | 21 This is the one-&nd only one-magc person who can meet ull -y needs. Obsessivelovers truly believe-sometimeswithout realizing it-that their "One Magic Person" alone can make them feel huppy and fulfilled, solveall their probleffis,give them the passion they'veyearned for, and make them feel more wanted and loved than they've ever felt before.With all this power?the One Magic Personbecomesmore than a lover-he or shebecomesa necessity of life. There are no prerequisitesfor the One Magic Person.It is not necess ary that he or shebe especiallyattractive,intelligent,witty, or successfulor possessany other qualitieswe usuallyassociatewith desirability. In fact?someobsessorsfall in love with deeplytroubled or even addictedlovers. These obsessorsare irresistibly drawn into relationshipsby a deep-seated needto be neededand a beliefthat they alonecan savetheir lover (aswetll seein ChapterFour). Obsessors'fantasiesand expectationsabout their One Magic Personmay have little to do with who that person really is and everythingto do with what they themselvesneed and how they expect thatpersonto fulfill thoseneeds.No one reallyknowswith absolute certainty why one person has such a powerful eflect on another.But somethingabout the One Magic Personclearly taps into the individual needsand yearningsthat lie deeplyembededin the obsessive lover'sunconscious.

TheMentalSculptor In healthyrelationships,?sloversgrow more emotionallyintimate, they begin to feel secureenoughto revealthemselves asrealpeople with shortcomings.The romanticexpectationsof theseloversnaturally evolve to reflect the changesthat this increasedhonesty

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TheOneMagicPerson | 23 Cynthia was married. In other circumstancesthis would havediscouragedhim, but Don was convincedthat he had found his One Magic Person.So he beganto mold his own realiry to eclipsethe magnitudeof this stumblingblock. Don We began to have lunch together pretty regularly, and we'd talk and talk and talk. She was very British, so she wasn't used to discussing her feelings openly, but that only intrigued me more. Then one duy we took a walk on the beach. The sun was shining, the water was shimmering. . . . I looked at her and I just . . . leaned over and kissed her. It was the most amazingmoment of my life. After that, all I wanted to do was be with her, all I could do was think about her. As we got to know each other a little better, she finally began to talk more about herself and her marriage. Cynthia had come to the United Stateswhen she was eighteen to study piano at Juilliard. A year later, she had met her husband, a physician fifteen years older than she. They married, and she gave up her studies to move to the West Coast with him. Don She'd always resented givirg up the music, but she never talked to her husband about it. She never talked to him about anything. She said she'd never been able to open up to him like she could with me. She said no man had ever been so tender and warm and caring and sincere with her as I was. Here was the woman I'd dreamed of since I was a teenager, and she was making me feel like I was the only man for her. I knew it was only a matter of time before shetd leave her husband, even though she never talked about it. I started checking the paper to see how much it would cost to get a bigger apartment when she was ready to move in with me. I even asked around for the name of a good divorce attorney so I could give her a reference when she was ready.

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Laurie I don't know what to do. This feelsso crazy. .. he doesn'tevenknow I exist.I'mjust one of a million nursesto him. He's gorgeous,he's charming,he'switty,he'sperfect.I can't getmy mind off him. I think aboutmakinghim candlelight dinners;I think about us nakedtogether,about him putting his armsaround ffie, holding me, makinglove to me. . . , And the worst part of it is, I know he's happily married. The other duy his wife camein to havelunch with him and I couldn't stop cryrng.My supervisorfinally told me to go home early.Everytime I go out with somebodyelse,I havea horrible time becauseIjust think of him all the time. But I could neverbring myselfto askhim out, you know,for a drink or evena cup of coffeeor somethirg.I meanhe's married;itjust wouldn't be right. I know it's stupid,but somenightsIjust can't stop crying aboutit. I'm losingso much weight that my friends are all worried about me. It's like this guy has takenover my life and he doesn't even know it. Laurie's romancewas sculpted entirel2from imaginary components.Shehad no reasonto expectthather fantasyloverwould ever be evenremotelyinterestedin her. In hct, ail the evidencepointed to the contrary.Yet, althoughshe knew shehad no hope of a relationship, she still remained totally fixated on her One Magic Person. I call people like Laurie t'worshipersfrom afa4"obsessivelovers who have no romantic or sexual involvementwith the targetsof their obsession.These obsessivelovers build elaboraterelationships in their minds, sometimeswith targetswhom they've never evenmet (oftenmoviestarsor other celebrities). While this form of obsessivelove may sound benign, its power shouldnot be underestimated. It canbejust asdestructiveto an obsessor'semotionalwell-beingas any other type of obsessivelove and,if left unchecked,can escalateinto obsessive behavior,drasticallyaffectingthe livesof both the obsessorand the target.

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TheOneMagicPerson I ZZ together.I mean,it was the only time I really felthis love . . . he'd alwaysclam up when I'd try to talk about our relationship. Margaretbelievedthat sheand Phil had a close,loving relationship eventhough he never verbally expressedhis feelingsfor her. Shewasconvincedthat the intensiryof his sexualitywashis way of expressingthe intensity of his feelings.Only a man who truly loved her could makeher feel so fantasticin bed. As so many obsessive loversdo, Margaretwasconfusingsexualpassionfor love,and in so doing, shewas settingherselfrp for a painful fall.

FromRomanceto Rejection The feelingsthat Margaret found so delicious were no different from the feelingsthat many of us experienceduring the headytidal waveof new love. Becauseof this, a potentially obsessiverelationship is virtually impossibleto spot in the early stages.Almost all of us becomepreoccupiedby thoughtsand fantasiesof a new lover at the beginnitg of a romantic relationship.Almost all of us disrupt our lives to spend as much time as possiblewith him or her. This mild form of obsessionis perfectlyhealthyaslong asit is generally a temporaryphaseand the feelingsarereciprocal. But when lovers are truly obsessive,there's nothing temporary about their preoccupation.And if, after the first flush of romance, their targetbegins to withdraw,falls in love with someoneelse,or simply walks awvft their preoccupationfans their feelingsof rejection into an emotionalinferno.

Rrlr,cnoN; TueOnsrssoR's NlcnrMARE The differencebetweenhealthyand obsessiveloversbecomesapparent when rejection entersthe picture. If healthy lovers are rejected, they generallygrievethe loss of the relationshipand get on

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TheOneMagicPerson | 29 houseif he reallyloved me. I knew it buggedhim but I couldn't help myself--I had to hearhim sayit. I was so much in love with this man. I startedhating it when he had to go to work; I wantedto be with him everysecond.When he wasnttthereI was terrified that he wouldn't comehome. When Margaret's rejection anxiety kicked into high gear,her need for reassurance becameinsatiable.Shefelt threatenedby anything and everything that took Phil away from her. She became clingy and demanding,which only increasedher fear becauseshe knew such behaviorwould alienatePhil. But shecouldn't help herself. Her obsessivetendencies,brought to the surfaceby rejection anxiety,had takenon a life of their own. Margaret'sbetterjudgment was no match for the power of her obsessive love. Becauseobsessorsbelievethat their emotionalsurvivaldepends on the successof their relationship,they oftenbecomehypersensitive to every nuance of their lover's behavior-whether it be a changedtone of voic€: & broken date, or a new hobby. Anythirg short of their target'scompletedevotionand attentioncan makean obsessorfeelshut out in the cold. In an attemptto protect againstrejectionthey fear,many obsessorstry to second-guess what kind ofperson their lover wantsthem to be. They agonizeover how they look, how they speak,how they perform in bed, how intelligent they appear twisting themselves into pretzelsin their attemptto be desirableto their One Magic Person.Anythirg to avoid rejection.

TtrvrDorsv'r Hrtp Rejectionanxietyis not limited to new relationships.My client Hal struggled with it for almost two decades.Hal was a slightly built forty-two-year-olddentist with thinning brown hair and a disarmitg smile.He cameto seeme becausehis obsessionwith his own wife hadjust aboutdestroyedhis marriage. Hal and Fran had been married for nineteenyears.Hal had always felt insecurein their relationship.Fran was so witty and out-

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TheOneMagicPerson | 31 rejectionanxi eV,this kind of sporadicrejectionis just aspowerful a trigger for obsessorsas is the blunt ttl-never-want-to-see-youagain"variety. Don experiencedsporadicrejectionmore and more ashis relationship with Cynthia developed.After their first kiss, their attraction escalatedswiftly into an intense affair.They would meet threeor four times a weekat Don's apartmentfor furtive afternoon lovemaking.But Don wasbecomirg increasinglyrestlesswith this arrangement.He wanted more than a part-time affair-he wanted to makea life with his One Magic Person.And he was sure Cyrthia wanted the same thing. After all, she professedher love for him. / Don I waited patiently for two yearsfor her to leaveher hus-, band,but nothing changed.I kept telling myself,well, if I'm just patient,if I'mjust patient. . . but shewouldn't leave him. I felt like I was on a torture rack, being torn apart.One minute shewas mine, the next shewas with him. One week I'd feelus growing closer,the next week I'd feellike she wantedto end it. I couldn'tstandit. One duy she'dbe makinglove to me, and the next day she'dbe making excusesabout why shecouldn't seeme. I didn't know if I was coming or going,and it was driving me crazy. By bouncing back and forth betweenbeing loving one moment and rejectingthe next,Cynthiawasgiving Don what in my business we call ttintermittentreinforcement."Perhapsshewasbeingmanipulativein order to keep both men, perhaps she couldn't make up her mind, perhapsshewasusing Don to prop up her marriage,or perhapsshe simply lackedthe strengthto leaveher husband.Whateverher motives,for Don the net result was the same.The good timesgavehim encouraging'glimpses of what he yearnedfor while the bad times escalatedhis rejectionanxiety. Sporadicrejectionkeepsobsessors on an emotionalsee-saw? teetering between the dread of life without their One Magic Person

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TheOneMagicPerson | 33 him, hemademe feel so good,I reallythought this wasit. I sleptwith him on the first night and it was wonderfu'I.I felt like our bodiesjust fit togetherlike yin and yang.He saidhe felt thesameway.I just knew this was it. It had to be. We went out a couple more timesand everythingseemedto just keepheatingup. And thenhejust stoppedcalling.Justlike that. I left a few messages on his machir€: but he never returnedmy calls.How could he treatme like this afterall we had? What they "had" were four datesand somegood sex,but Nora had becomeconvincedthat Tom washer One Magic Person.When he stoppedcallingand refusedto return her calls,she truly felt like she had lost a meaningfulrelationship.Like Margaret,Nora had mistakensexfor love. It is astoundinghow little realemotionalconnectionsomeobsessiveloversneedin order to turn a fewcrumbsof affectioninto a whole loaf,,For Nora, the pain of rejectionwas everybit as greatafterfour datesasit might havebeen afterfour years.Clearly,the depth of her pain wasnot determinedby the depth of her relationship.It was determinedby the depth of her obsession. lovedistortstime Obsessive and magnifiesfeelingse creatinga realityall its own.

Denyingthe Undeniable When rejectiondarkensthe landscapeof the obsessivelover'sreality, he or she invariablyseeksrefugein denial.Denial is one of our most basic,potent defensemechanisms. In its most extremeform, denialcanbe used to totally negatereality-to believethat the truth isn't true.But most peopleuselessextremeforms of denial: I. They rationalize what is happeningwith seeminglyreasonableexcusesor explanations. 2. They minimize the importanceof what is happening.

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The One Magic Person |

35

Nora Muybt he'll call one duy and say,"I was waiting just to see what you would do to get me." It's like a game. He's putting me to a test and one duy I'll pick rp the phone and he'lI say, ttOkay, let's get married." Because I know that that's got to be on his mind. I know him better than he knows himself. Nora's rationalizations were keeping her from doing what she needed to do to deal with her pain, disappointment, and frustration. Instead of facing the reality of Tom's rejection, she was clingitg to a stubborn belief,

He really loves ffi€: hejust doesn't know it. Obsessiveloversoftenbelievethat theyknow far betterthan their targetshow their targetsreallyfeel:They believethat if they canjust prove the depth and intensity of their love, their targetswill awaken to their "true feelings"and reciprocatethat love. Using rationalization, obsessive loverscan reducea target'srejectionto a temporcry aberration.

MwrwrztNc TunouGH SELECTTvE Focus If you say to an obsessor,ttlt's over.I don't want to seeyou anymore, and I don't want you to try to contactme. You're a terrific person,but it's just not working," the obsessorwill typically only hear, ttYou're a terrific person." By extracting the one positive phraseof a clearlyrejectingstatement,the obsessordrasticallyminimizesthe negativeoverallmeaningof the message.I call this kind of minimizing "selectivefocusing." Obsessorsresort to it all the time. Don After two and a half years,shefinally did leaveher husband. I thought,ttThis is it, she'llmovein with me." But she

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TheOneMagicPerson | 37 Margaretminimized the fact that sex had becomethe sum total of her relationship.Phil was clearlylosing interestin her, but she just focusedon the one aspectof the relationshipthat still worked. In their cmsadeto hold on to their One Magic Person,obsessors spotlight any fragment of hope that their lover still caresabout them. At the sametime, they push into the shadowybackground any evidenceto the contrary.They are mastersof denial. Obsessivelovers have enormousmagicalexpectationsfor how their targetwill fill up their lives.These expectationsare often fortified by fantasticsexand intenseinitial passion.Obsessorsbecome so investedin their relationshipthat when they experiencerejection, they truly believethey will neverbe loved again,theywill never love again,they will never be happy,they will never be whole. Becauseof this, obsessorssimply refuse to let go when their One Magic Personpulls away.They cannotlet go. Holding on to or recapturitg their rejectinglover is much more than a questionof desire for obsessivelovers.It is a questionof survival.

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Openingthe Floodgates| 39 But mostobsessive loverscannotdisconnect.Instead,theytry to "do somethitg" about their pain by resortingto certainpredictable, repetitive behaviors that are either self-punishing,oppressiveto their target,or both. They try to escapefrom the pain they arefeelingby becomingtotallypreoccupiedwith what they aredoing.This translationof painful feelingsinto negativebehavior is what, in my business? we call ttactingout."

ActingOut Through SelfrPunishment The imageof obsessivelovers'behaviorthat we get from newspapers?films, and'televisioninvolvesintrusions on a target?s life and threatsor evenharm to a target.But many obsessiveloversreactto the pain of rejectionby unconsciouslyturning against themselaes, acting in waysthat sabotagetheir own emotionaland often physical well-being. When Tom stopped calling Nora, for example,her pain was so great that it madeher physicallyill. And her self-punishingbehavior only mademattersworse. Nora I startedhurtitg on the bottom of my stomach.The pain was unbelievable.It was like, Oh, God, why doesn'the call? I didn't go to work. Ijust sathome and got depressedand watchedthe phone. I'd just sit out thereand drink wine cooler afterwine cooler . . . eatjunk, drink wine, eatmore, achemore,eatmore, drink more . . . all the time thinking about him. Nora wason an obsessivetreadmill.Her ruminationsaboutTom led to intenseemotionalpain that shetried to medicatewith two favorite remediesof rejectedlovers:food and alcohol.Self-punishirg obsessorsoften resort to drinking excessively, overeatingor eating

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SurrrnrNc;Tur DrcprMTE CoruruECTroN Some obsessivelovers have a great deal of trouble expressing their anger.Though this is true for obsessorsofboth sexes,it is especiully true for women? who have so often been socialized to believe that showing anger, even in direct and appropriate ways?is unattractive. Like Nora, many women have learned to contain their anger, to suffer it rather than to acknowledge it. Sufferitg has a special role in the obsessivedrama. For obsessive lovers-both men and women-suffering provides a last tenuous connection to a dead or dying relationship. Suffering allows obsessors to keep their target vividly present in their lives. A relationship may be physically over, but suflering can prevent it from coming to an emotional end. However?in maintaining this kind of connection, the obsessor gains nothirg but pain and postpones the possibility of taking steps to move on. In addition to a minimal connection to the target, suffering also offers obsessive lovers a curious emotional side effect. Nora found that in a strange way her suffering alrnost made her feel heroic.

Nora Evenwhen I wasreally touchingbottom, at leastI knew I was going through this for love.It madethe whole thing seemso meaningful.Like I was somekind of martyr to the causeof love. For Nora, as for so many obsessivelovers,the magnitudeof her sufferingkept her in touch with the magnitudeof her love.Nora felt secure-almost proud-in the knowledgethat no one else could possibly sufferfor Tom asmuch as shecould. In the beginnitg of obsessive relationships,obsessorsare nourished by the power of their passion.When rejection deflatesthat passion?somethinghas to fill the emotionalvacuum. Sufferingis one of the few statesthat generatestrongenoughemotionsto do so. Though almost all obsessorsact out through self-punishing

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Openingthe Floodgates| 43 phoning the targetincessantly driving repeatedlyby the target'shome or work place showingup unannouncedat the target'shome or work place stalkingthe target threateningto harm themselvesor the target Someof thesepursuit tacticsmay seemrelativelybenigr, but in factthey arc all exercisesin power.EvenJim's seeminglyromantic gift to Gloria of six dozenroseswasa power trip. He thoughthe was beingloving, but what he wasreally doing wasfighting how powerlesshe felt againstGloria's rejectionby forcing her to think about him. He was musclinghis way back into her life. She did not want anycontactwith him, she did not want any reminders.But he imposedthem on her nonetheless. loversusepursuit tactics Obsessive to assertpower wherethey feelmost powerless-in the lossof their One Magic Person.

Cnr,qnruc Excusrs When Margaret's relationshipwith Phit dwindled to infrequent sexualencounters,she begantryrng to manipulatehim into seeing her more. She resortedto a seeminglyharmlesspursuit tactic: creatingexcusesto makecontact. Margaret I was going to bed at one and I waswakingup at four. I had nightmares.I waslosingweight.It waslike a slow deathwhen I wasn't with him. So I'd find all kinds of excusesto get him to seeme. I'd getextraconcerttickets,I'd breaksomethirgin my houseand then askhim to fix it, one night I evenmadeup a prowler so he'd comeoverto checkit out. Itd callhim at the station,I'd call him at home,I'd try him at his brother's,I'd try him at this bar wherehe hangsout . . . whereverI thought he'd be. I'd makeup somereasonfor him to comeover.There was almostalwayssomereasonwhy he couldn'tcome,but that neverstoppedme from tryrng.

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Openingthe Floodgates| 45 she didn't love him anymore.He hadntt believedher.For a month, he'd calledher, stoppedby her house,and sentletters.To no avail. Although Sarahcontinuedto refuseto seehim, Robertwouldn't give up. He believed there was somethinghe could do to make Sarah realtzewhat a mistakeshewas making by rejectinghim. The telephonebecamehis lifeline. Robert I rememberit wasmy birthday.I stoppedby her house, just thinking I would suqpriseher. But the surprisewas on me becausetherewassomeoneelsethere.Itjust brokemy heart.I could seethat shefelt very uncomfortableaboutit. I got back to my apartmentand startedcallingand I wouldn't stop.I had to talk to her,to fix it, to convinceher sheneeded to seeme. It was my birthdry and sheneededto be with me. Whether shewantedto or not wasn't reallyimportantat the time. R.petitive callerslike Robert havesulprisingly little concern for how their invasivebehavior affectstheir target. They may be extremelyempatheticpeople in other relationshipsor areasof their lives,but once obsessiontakesover?the intensity of their feelings towardtheir targetovershadowsall other considerations. Robertwas convincedthatif he could get Sarahon thephone,he could persuadeher that their relationshipwas not over.The fact that his repetitive calling (among other behaviors)was upsettirg Sarah,invading her privacy,and harassirgher was of little consequenceto him. He was obliviousto the fact that shehad a right to her own feelingsand her own life. He had convincedhimselfthat it wasin her best intereststo be with him, and he was treatingher as if sheexistedin the world onlv to serve his needs.

Tnr ErceuENT H,,4lvc-Up Nora, who became obsessedwith Tom after only four dates, developed a pattern of repetitive calling that was quite different from

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Opening the Floodgates |

47

Druvr-Bvs Repetitivephoning is rarely the culminationof obsessive pursuit; it is more often the beginnirg. Most obsessivelovers soon find the electronicconnectionwanting and developa need for closerproximity to their targets. After a week of repetitivephonins, Nora's slim senseof contact with Tom beganto wane.Shefelt compelledto stepup her pursuit. Nora I starteddrivirg over and sitting in front of his house.I jmt had to know if he was alone,but I didn't want him to see me becauseI felt like such a turkey spying on his housein the middle of the night. So I renteddifferentcarsto make sure he wouldn't know it wasme. I'd get up at two or three in the morning and drive by to seeif therewas someone parked whereI used to park my car when I stayedover.He has a boat in the garagerso whoevercomesover has to park outside.So I'd go over and if I sawa car parkedbehind his car?I knew it was anothergirlfriend.And eachtime I saw one?the painjust got worse.But everynight, I'd haveto drive by again.I knew it was stupid,but I just had to go over there. The fact that Nora went to the trouble and expenseof renting cars to concealher identity indicatedhow embarrassedshewasby her behavior.But this expense?trouble, and embarrassmentdid nothing to stop her. At first, Nora's needwas to know whetherTom had rejectedher for anotherwoman,and indeed,shefound proof. But insteadof usitg her evidenceof his disinterestto help her begin disconnecting from Tom, shecontinuedher drive-bys.Now shewasno longerjust gatheritg information. The drive-byshad become an additional sourceof sufferingfor her,keepingher obsessionvery much alive. Drive-byt may appearto be mislabeledaspursuit, becausethere

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OpeningtheFloodgates| 49 My behavior is out of my control. By subscribing to this belief, Don was eflectivelyeliminating all other behavioraloptions. In surrenderinghis free will, he allowed his panic to dictatehis behavior.

"l Jusr Hnvr ro Br Nr,qnHtM" Fot Margaret,drive-byswere sparkedby longing, not suspicionor jealousy.Margaretfelt the need to be with Phil every duy,and he wouldn't allow that. So sheresortedto drive-bys,to at leastfeelhis presence. Margaret If I couldn't be with him, I had to be nearhim. Or elseI'd just sit home and ache.So I'd driveby his house.I'd lie to my son abouthavingto go to the storeor somethingand tell him to call our neighborin caseof an emergencyand leave him home alone.What the hell was I doingPI felt like a high schoolkid with a crush exceptI'm in my thirties.But I neededto seehis car or the lights on inside.Once or twice I evensaw him through the window.Itjust mademe feelgood to know he was there, to know I was near him. But I always felt lousy afterward.It was neverenough. From the heightsof a passionateromance,Margaretfound herselfreduced to sitting alonein her car?staringat the outsideof the housethat containedher fading dream,feelingawful. Adding to Margaret'smiserywasthe growingguilt overrvhatobsessionwas doing to her mostpreciousrelationship-*ith her son. Not only was shebecomirg increasinglyshort-temperedwith him, but shewas beingdishonestwith him and leavinghim home alone. Obsessiveloverswho areparentsarefrequentlydismayedto realize they haverelegatedtheir children to the backseatas their need to pursueeatsawayat their time and energy.

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OpeningtheFloodgates| 51 in his robe, the color drained out of his face,and I knew I'd madea big mistake."There's somebodyhere,"he said.ttl got drunk last night and shecamehome with me." Well, I wasdevastated.I know he hasn't exactlybeenMr. Attentive lately,but I thought if Ijust givehim enoughtime . . . I mean,I thought I waswith someonewho, deepdown, really lovedil]e. And rlo\M. . . I meanhejust crushedme. Margaretshould haveknown that her relationshipwas a deadend streetlong beforeshefound anotherwomanin Phil'shouse.He may not have told her in so many words, but his withdrawal from their relationshipwaspretfy clear. Unfortunately,shehadn't readthe signs.Obsessorslike Margaret havetheir own wayofprocessinginformation.They don't allow evidenceof their lover'sdisinterestto filter through their denial.If obsessorsshow up unannouncedfive timesand are met with a closed door, they are likely to try a sixth time. Insteadof learningfrom experience,they remain convincedthat sooneror later their target?s resistancewill breakdown. Even when armed with all the facts they need to seethe naked truth about their target'sfeelings,obsessorswill almostalwaysturn their backon that truth in exchangefor an opportunity to spendtime with their target,if only a few moments.When it comesdown to a conflict betweenfactsand obsessivelove, obsessorsinvariablyembracethe outlook of one of literature'sgreatdeniersof reality,Don Q"i"ote, who put it quite succinctly:"Factsare the enemyof truth."

"HowCoutoSrurDo Tur ro Mr?" Margaret'shopeswere at leastpinned to a tenuousreality.If nothitg else,she and Phil still had a sexualrelationship.Ji*, on the other hand, had ample evidencethat Gloria did not want to have any contactwith him. Gloria had told him to stop calling,had refused to seehim under any circumstances, had returnedall his lettersunopened,had discardedhis roses,and had eventhreatenedto call the police on him.

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Openingthe Floodgates| 53 oun behavior.Jim was a wizard at selectivefocusing.Never mind that he wasfrightening and infuriating Gloria by showingup unannounced virtually everywhereshe went-his emotional tunnel vision pushed this behaviorinto the blurry background.Ji* simply couldn't understandwhy Gloria was ttsoupset."In focusingon his goalof recapturingGloria,he failedto seethat the tacticshe wasusi*g to achievethat goalweremakingher life miserable. Ji* believedhe had no alternativebut to pursue Gloria. He was merely doing what any man with such a profound love would do: fight to overcomeGloria's ttunreasonable"resistance.After ail,,he was the innocentvictim here-he just wanted to talk to her. What was the big deal?Why was shebeing so inflexible? of his own beJi* refusedto seethat it was the oppressiveness harriorthathad forcedGloria to becomeresolutein her decisionnot to speakto him. He had backedher into a corner,and shewasprotectingherselfin the only way shecould. If anyonewasvictimrztng Ji*, it washimself.By continuingto imposehimselfon Gloria,Ji* was orchestratinghis own disaster.

SramrNG Just as the trapper stealthilyshadowshis quarry without alertingit to his presence)many obsessivelovers covertly stalk their targets. Stalkersoften copy the furtive cloak-and-daggertechniquesthey've seenin moviesor on television.They follow their targetfrom place to place; spy on their target in restaurants,bars: or other public places;or stakeout their target'shome or office. Hal-the dentist we met in the last chapter-stalked his own wife. When Fran resumedher careerafter their daughterentered high school,Hal beganto suspecther of harborirg sexualdesires for other men.Tio defendagainsthis fear that shewould leavehim for someoneelse,he becameincreasingly possessive. If shetalkedto a man at a party, he would accuseher of flirtirg. He grew sullen when she got calls at home from male co-workers.And he constantly interrogatedher about her day'sactivities. Fran becameincreasinglyresentfulof Hal's distrustand beganto

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Openingthe Floodgates| 55 I was totally convincedthat they were out for a lovey-dovey lunch. But then they werejoined by u coupleof businessmen. It hit me that I wasweavingthis whole thing in my mind. It waslike I waslooking at myselffor the first time, and I felt really creepy,really disgusting.That should have beena real eye-openerfor me, but then a coupleweeks later . . . I did the samething again. Hal knew that Fran was withdrawing from him. Loving her as much as he did, he couldn't believethat he wasdoing anythingto drive her away.There must be someoneelse.It never occurred to him that her rejectioncould be a responseto his behavior.As a result, his life wasbeing takenoverby u questto find'a phantomrival. Stalkersjusti$' their behaviorwith an irrational logic. Hal reasoned that his stalking, despite the shame and self-reproachit causedhim, would somehowput his suspicionsto restand givehim somepeacefrom the relentlessness of his obsessivejealousy. But his suspicionscould not rest becauseno matter how often he found Fran innocent,he would haveno guaranteesagainstdoubts in the future.

OrsrssvE JEALIUIY The persistenceand depth of Hal's unfoundedjealousyand suspicion suggestedthe possibility of what mental health professionals call a "paranoid personalitydisorder."A paranoid personalitydescribessomeonewho is frequently envious,suspicious,oversensitive,and often hostile(not to be confusedwith "paranoiar"a severe mental illness involvirg highly systematizeddelusionsof persecution or grandeur). When an obsessorhasa paranoidpersonality,or eventendencies in that directiorr I am alwaysconcernedabout the potential for violence.If Hal had not beenseparatedfrom Fran, I would haveinsistedthat he do so asa conditionof treatment,eventhoughhe had no history of violentbehavioror of drug or alcoholabuse.Because extremejealousy and suspicionare so often precursorsto violent

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Openingthe Floodgates| 57 hoping for, and he seemedto like her as well. They beganto see eachothermore and more often;within threemonths,they wereinseparable. Anne It wasbright lights and big city.He took me everywhere, flew me everywhere,did everythirg for me. . . . We both kept our own separateplacesbut we weretteither/orr"his placeor mine.I becamevery dependenton him. I wantedto marry him. I wantedto be with him the restof my life. All the time. Six or sevenmonths into the relationship,things beganto turn sour.John startedspendirg less time with Anne, telling her that their relationshipwas getting too intensefor him. He knew Anne wantedto get married,but for him it was too earlyin the relationship to considersucha commitment.The nrorehe pulled away)the harder she clung to him. He finally told her he was feelingsmothered,that he wantedto takesometime off from her. Anne tried to figure out where she had gone wrong. She was convincedthat his decisionwas due to someshortcomingof hers. Perhapshe didn't find her intellectuallystimulatingenough.Perhaps she wasn't well enough educated.She determinedto make herself over into what she thought he wanted. She enrolled in Frenchand art history classesat her local communitycollege.She alsobegangoing to a voicecoachto improveher diction. Shegot little pleasureout of theseclassesand lessons,but she thought they werewell worth the effort if they could makeher more appealingto John. Anne All that time,my heartwas broken.I'd call him every couple daysand askif he was ready to go out again,but he neverwas.He tried to let me down easy,but the more he wasn't available,the crazierI got. I just couldn't understand why he was doing this to me, why he wouldn't want to be with me. He saidhe lovedme so much and he did so much

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Openingthe Floodgates| 59 wanted to maketheir trial separationpermanent.He had come to the realizationthat there was no future for their relationship. He claimedthat he still caredabout her but that hejust didn't love her anymore. Anne He startedto leaveand I told him I'd really kill myselfif he walkedout now.Hejust said,ttl,ook, I reallyhope you don't do anythingthat foolish,but I haveto go," and he startedto go down the stairsto my front door. I had to do somethirg to makehim takeme seriously,so I started breakingmy apartmentup, throwing things left and right. I broke everylight, everydish, anything I could find . . . anythingthat would makenoiseor get attentiorl.I could hear a neighborshouting,"Call the police, Harry" but Ijust kept breakingthings.And thenJohn cameback up. At this point I'd smashedall the lights so it waspitch-black.He lit a candleand we sattherein the dark-with about an inch of glassall over the carpet-until the cops came.This wasnow threeor four in the morning.Ijust sattherewhileJohn convincedthem that everythingwas okay and they finally left. ThenJohn left and I sattherealoneiust hatingmyself for being such an ass. GettingJohn to come overwas a hollow triumph for Anne. She knew he had withdrawn from their relationshipbecauseof the oppressionof her obsessive love.Nowl in threateningsuicide,shehad only mademattersworseby geometricallyincreasingthe weight of that oppression.Her hystericalout-of-controlbehavioronly served to further alienateJohn, to reinforcehis decisionto pull away.Sitting there in her darkenedapartment,surrounded by shattered glass,Anne hated herselffor havingactedso foolishly. Although obsessorsfeelpowerlessto do anythingaboutthe "actitg in" and ttactingout" that makesthem feelso degraded,they still believethat they shouldbe able to control themselves. As much as

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Openingthe Floodgates |

61

The endjustifies the means. The ttend" of course almost never works out as obsessorshope. They cannot force their target to love them. And the t'means" of obsessive pursuit create a punishing, selfpe{petuating cycle that makes obsessorsfeel increasingly desperate and debased. The more obsessors act out, the more they alienate their target; the more they alienate their target, the worse they feel; and the worse they feel, the more they are driven to try and escape the pain by acting out more. This is how obsessivepursuit feeds on itself. Once rejection has opened the floodgatesof obsession,obsessive behavior becomes inevitable. But whether obsession is acted in through self-punishment or acted out through pursuit, obsessive behavior is always self-defeating.Sooner or later, all obsessivelovers are forced to confront the negative effects of their behavior, and when they do, the resultant frustration and humiliation often turn to rage. For all too many obsessivelovers, this rage sets the stage for revenge.

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From Pursuit to Revenge |

53

WhenRageand Love Go Hand in Hand Rageand love would seemto be diametricallyopposedemotions, and yet within obsession,they coexist.Ragenevercompletelyconsumesobsessivelove; instead,the two battle for dominanceinside the obsessor.Margaretbouncedbetweenher rageand trer lovelike a Ping-Pongball. EvenafterMargaretfound Phil with anotherwoman,shecontinued to seehim for another six months.Then she learnedthat the other woman had actuallymovedin with Phil. Margaret I'd neverfelt this kind of pain. I can't evendescribeit. He must haveseenwhat he was doing to me. He must haveseen how he was killing ffier but he still did it. I couldn't figure out why he was doing this to me. I was so furious I just wanted to smashhis fucking facein. SomedaysI couldn't think of anythingelse.But then I'd think about the good timeswe had together,how good he mademe feel.He was very charmirg in his way,very sexy? you knowP But then therewere timeswhen I reallywantedto hurt him. I really wantedhim to hurt. I hoped his dick would fall off. I don't think he'll evercompletelyunderstandhow devastatedthe relationshipmademe. I reallyhope I never seehim again becauseif I do . . . I'm afraidI might go back to him. I don't know why Phil rejectedMargaret.He might havebeena terrific guy who just wasn't interestedin a seriousrelationshipat that time. He might havebeen a hit-and-run lover. He might have becomealienatedby her clinging, demandingbehavior.He might havefound anotherlover. Or he simply might havelost interestin her. But no matter what Phil's reasonswere?Margaretwas convinced that his rejectionwasa deliberateattemptto hurt her,to pull the emotionalrug out from under her. She was enragedat him for

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FromPursuitta Revenge| 65 againstdepression.The ragethat underliesrevengefantasiesmakes peoplefeelpowerfuland energized,Depression, on the other hand, doesjustthe opposite.Depressionmakespeoplefeelpowerless? exhausted,and hopeless.Becauseof this, people rarely experience rageand depressionat thesametimerthoughthey can coexistin the sameperson. Rageand depressionareactuullyoppositepolesof the sameforce: anger.Rageis usually anger turned outward toward someoneelse, while depressionis usuallyangerturned inward againstthe self. By turning her angerinto revengefantasiesagainstJohn, Anne wasableto relievesomeof her feelingsofpowerlessness. But the relief was short-lived. Anne It was very melodramatic,like somethirgout of a bad movie.I knew I wasn't about to actuallyburn his house down but I couldn't stop thinkirg aboutit. It mademe feel like.Iwas callingthe shots.I wasgoingto hurthim for a change.For a couple of daysI evenfelt better,but the more I thought aboutit the more I reahzedhow stupid it was. As Anne's revengescenariodevelopedin her mind, she could begin to feel in control. She was no longer a helplessvictim of John's rejection.In her fantasies,shewasmakingthe next move.For a brief period of time, she was finally playing the lead in her own life's drama.

HorwcrDAL FnNrnsrEs Anne's fantasiescenteredon destroyingsomethirg that was meaningful to John. Robert's fantasies,on the other hand, were more lethal. Robertwas the stereosalesman who cameto seeme becausehe wasafraidofhis own angerwhen his lover,Sarah,movedout. When Sarahbeganliving with anotherman,Robert'sangerturned to disturbingly violent revengefantasies.

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FromPursuitto Revenge| 67 has causedthem such pain. When obsessorsturn to revenge,the strugglefor dominancebefweenlove and rageis finally over-rage haswon.

"l'vE Brrru HawNGAN Arrnn wrcH Youn WFE" r/YhenDon's married lover Cynthia finally rejectedhim after five yearsof their on-again-off-again afhir, his passionatelove was overwhelmedby equallypassionaterage. Don I'll neverforgethow it ended.Shecalledme up and said, ttl cantttakethe pressureanymore.I want to makemy marriagework. I needto havepeacein my life. I love lou, but it can neverwork. We're too different."I couldn't believeit. I said,"Why is it you're alwaysso willirg to leaveme?but you won't leavehim? Why is it so easyfor you to walk out on this relationshipbut you won't walk out on that onePI know Itm a better man.I know that I can offeryou more. It doesn't makeany senseto me that you would want him more." But shejust said somethirglike "it's nbt negotiable."How could that bitchjust walk awayfrom five yearsof love with one lousy phone call?It was like I wasjust ajoke to her,just a clown. I was going to makesure sheregrettedit. Don wasdevastated. He managedto continueworkirg but when he got home every night he would just lie on his bed, drink, and brood aboutgettingeven. Don About a weeklater,aftera half bottle of wine, I finally decided to do somethirg.I knew sheleft me to try to makeher marriagework, so I decidedto reallyscrewher. I calledup her husbandand said,ttHi, you don't know my namebut it reallydoesn'tmatter.I've beenhavingan afhir with your wife for five years.She told me shelovedme; she told me she

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snJo qloq pede4eqpuu pelueqcpeq oqs 'uqrl rltTl\glasdur peu8rp puq 1 dumduury u uI 't5{s a{TIIeeJaru opuurdluor lI puu ruTrlrllla\ pazgludura J aruq lsrrJor{l su^, tuql lnq'prta,r. s6lrpuu'dn Sunqaq uoql pue ocuels3uo1e su,t\araqJ uuuol uJo pug lurld\A\ou{ ol peou cc'olperJJuuroJ6nod nod tnq'op ol oruro; SurqllqSp e{l sr sqtJTA\oq l,uop 'ool 'srrugusnorlerd prales peq aqsourplol et{S:,'pTnt I I og 'SuIIlou s,(usoq tnq ro dn Sueqot uqtl palcadxaJlutl ilod 'euoqd aql pua raqto oqt uo ecuelTs lsnf 'EuFIlou sdus I Jo aq Surql aloqd\sql q8norqJ,,ilo{ r!\ou{ t,uplp lnq o^€ol of potuu/u,aqspuu a3urnetureq ur ddduqundlauranxosu/t\ 1AO1INSS1SgO | 89

FromPursuitto Revenge| 69 causethereareno lawsto protectthem.Victims ofphysicalviolence cancall the police.Victims of emotionalviolencehaveno recourse. Don may havedestroyedCynthia'smarriagebut he broke no laws. While revealingan affairis perhapsthe most commonact of revenge,other tacticsarejust as emotionallyviolent. I've known obsessivelovers,driven by desperationand anguish,to sabotagetheir ex-lover'scareerby makirg scenesat important business-related social eventsor in their ex-lover'soffice.I've known obsessive lovers to disrupt their ex-lover'ssociallife by malignirg him or her to mutual friends and associates. I've known obsessivelovers to undermine their ex-lover'sfinancesby running up excessivechargeson joint credit cards.I evenhad a client who posed as her ex-lover's wife and had his house reroofed,while he was on vacation,even though the old roofwas in excellentshape.Though this may sound more like the plot of a TV sitcomthan a maliciousact,the ex-lover returned home to be confrontedwith a $7,000 roofing bill. He spent a yearunder tremendousstressbecauseof the legal and financialcomplicationsthat followed. Emotionalviolencecan be extremelydamagirg to a target?s life, but for someobsessors? thatis not enough.Theseobsessors needa physicaloutlet for their rage.

ViolenceAgainstProperty A target?spossessionsoften become symbolic representationsof the target to obsessivelovers.Obsessiveloverswho believethemselvesincapableof physicalviolenceagainstanotherpersonare often shocked at how explosivethey can becomewhen they focus their vengefulrageagainsttheir target'sproperty. fixateon a possession that symbolizestheir tarWhen obsessors daily life, that Bet,it is generallysomethingthat is part of the target?s the targetis particularlyattachedto, or that had meaningin the relationship. Houses?cars, clothing, furniture, appliances? pottery glassware,jewelryart, gardens-virtually anythingmay be fair game for the obsessor's rage.

turcEeeuo8 su/v\oqs ttrraqogol {req otuor puq eqs su llueppns su lsnltueql tng'duuuq aluol ol tuotulilutuocoql eputudlpug put{ oqs qurus uot{M 'dlarxueosualulJo olels u ul llal eq tueqog qlll\ 1da1s alqnoproH ,(uueq tralol ,l\eureq aluel tq3rtu uaqog lde{ sa3essotu oqs luql suouuc1pq qly!\ uoqog poztptuul dlpoluaclarqerus Jlesreqqurus tu puu drqsuopularrrorll lu uot{AA'roJSurrrus 3un1u1ssex\st16rucreq pa{ceri!\ qloq ueqog lno olqenpl /1uo sruadotq luads purl arlsEurqlaruoss€Al] 'uorssessod rorl sB/v\ lI Torlol luuoruJucoql qcnru /!\oqA\ou)losluoH 'drqsuoqul -or rror.llroJsruuarpsplJo puu rotl rltla\ puoq sTqJoloqurdsu su^t,tI 'aEurs6lJeqogJoJlellno lueruoluoc€ ueql oJoursu/v\ruJ s.rluJ€S 'ouop oluq lqEru lurll\ ,l\ou>ll,uop ' ' ' JuJluql poqsuurs 1 I o^uql,upeq IJI leql o^erloqdlpar J 'sropualeql'pooq oql 'slq81 oql 'ppp{rpul^a orlt paqsurus 'll lno lFIs eql lueq I Jo lsnf puu roruruuqu {ool I oS 'sul\ lr aroqlpuv'Surqleruos op ol purl I puru os sel{ I 'Jeclno lsotup su^l,l1 6duan -a^rrps?qu\ l1ryed eqsppoc ^aoH 'lno trrlcrd req padlaq p6J'ruJluql uo uuol aql pau3rsocp,I tsnsaf'ruJrerl &\us ' ' ' dpoqoruos ol Euque/v\aculdsF{dq elorp 1 uat{l puu ilFI tuol oqsuoq/u,pu€ toruqlF{ 1de1s uo^ooqs J'slnu lue/u,lsnf l oruq ouo 'uru3eJIo lT{eerq ua{l puu ur eur{ooq pue euroc p,oHS'urII rllTl\ {rug oBp,aqs 'll eq ppo^\ luql tnq 6oru ql1,t\r{cunla^uqp,a{s uaql puv 'lr sul\ slql 'acuuqcoql sul, sgl 3ur4ur{l 6utu8uaq p6Iaro{l pue duuuq o^uolot Euquu,l\ tnoqu {lut puu [€c ppo^^ rlurus ue{l lnq'oml ro al€p e enurlp,I puu pr3 rer{louetearup,1 oqdehl'slu$l atu Surm8 s6eqseruq s1t{llnoqEnorql Surquu puu tculuoc ilps paqo[ 'alqrssoJJu dpseesur\ e lu lno paqs€laq 'a3er leql rleres rltl,v\drqsuopulers5{ Jo loqruds s6uoqoguaril\A sllJo ernssordaql alarlarra8uolou p1nor sersetuuJ

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1AO1rArSSrSsO| 0/

FromPursuitto Revenge| 71 crushinghis dreams.I don't meanto imply that Sarah'sprovocation in any wayjustified Robert's attack,but for obsessivelovers,shatteredhope esoften a powerful catalystfor violence.

"WHySuoutoI Br tu Omy OrurWnos HunrrNG?" Vengefulacts merely expressinner conflict; they never resolveit. Kuy found this out the hard way.Shecameto seeme becauseof the unrelentinganguishand guilt shewas feelingafter having turned a revengefantasyinto a reality. Kuy was a fifty-two-year-old divorced housewife with three grown sons. Her dark hair was lightly peppered with gray,and laugh lines werejust beginnirg to appearon her still youthful face. Her brown eyeswere swollenand red; she'dobviouslybeencrying on her way to my office. She told me shehad been married for twenty-sixyearsto a successfulbuildirg contractornamedLewis. Toward the end of their marriageLewis had becomemore distant,but Kuy felt it wasjust a reflectionof their agingtogether.Then, when the last of their sons got marriedand movedout, Lewis told Kuy that he'd beenunhappy for severalyearsand that he wanted a divorce.Kuy felt betrayed, abandoned,and terrified. Koy I felt like I'd been run over by u tank. My whole life had been built around my family.Then my kids left. And now he was going off for no good reason.That's what I get after giving him half my life? What the hell did he expectme to doPI was so depressed. Lewis wasgenerousin the divorcesettlement.Knowing that Kay had no marketableskills, he ensuredthat she had enough money to live comfortably.He remainedsupportiveand friendly,hoping to soften the blow he knew he had dealt her. They still went out to dinner once or twice a month, and he sent her flowers on Mother's Day and gifts on her birthday,

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From Pursuit to Revenge |

73

"l'D Nryrn DoNr,q VtorcNr Tutxc IN MY LIFE,, Kuy wasunderstandablydevastated. But insteadof grievingher loss and startinga new life, she grew increasinglybitter. Her thoughts turned to revenge. Koy I kept seeingthem comehome from their honeymoon swoonirg with love and him carrying her acrossthe thresholdand throwing her on the bed tike he did to me when we got married,and I couldn't standit. I kept thinking I had to ruin that moment.Their happinesswaslike this t l

stabbing pain in my heart. I don't even remember driving over there, I was on automatic pilot. But I knew exactly what I would do when I got there. I'd been thinking about it for a week. I went around to the back and broke a window to get in and once I was inside Ijust started ripping things up. His suits, his shirts, her dresses,the sheets-that was a big one, the sheets-the couch, the curtains, anything that would tear. Ijust wanted to knock them offcloud nine, Ijust had to destroy that moment, to make them hurt and to make sure they knew how much I hurt.

As Kay drove homefrom Lewis'shouse,shebeganto shake.She had neverdone a violent thing ir her life, and now she was overcomewith feelingsof shameand disbelief.When Lewis returned from his honeymoona few dayslater,her guilt over what she had done compelled her to call him and apologize.He told her he would refrain from pressing criminal chargesagainsther if she would seekcounseling. Koy My first reactionwas to accusehim of being arrogant, trying to tell me that I needhelp afterwhat he'd done to me.

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FromPursuitto Revenge| 75 stop. Even obsessors who haveneverbeenviolent beforearehighly susceptibleto havitg their violence againsta target'spossessions unexpectedlyescalateinto violenceagainsttheir target.

PhysicalViolence In the heat of obsession,peoplelose their senseof self,lose their predictability,and do things they never dreamedthemselvescapable of. Physicalviolenceagainstother people is the most extreme exampleofthis. Obsessiveloverswho resortto physicalassaultsareso consumed by rage that it often interfereswith their ability to function in their lives. For theseobsessors? vengefulassaultis an attempt to regain control by exorcising their rage. But physical assaultis a futile catharsis.Obsessorswho try to causepain to others are unconsciouslytrying to hand off their own pain. But this sort of transfer inevitablyfailsbecausethe rejectionthat createdthepain in the first placeis not eliminated,it is exacerbated. Someobsessorslose control and assaulttheir targetonly once. Other obsessors? with severecharacterdisorders?are chronic batterers.The tragic realityis that it only takesone uncontrollableoutburst to end a victim's life. (W" will explore obsessiveassaultsin greaterdepth in ChapterSeven.)

Revenge lsn't Sweet If you find yourselfpreoccupiedwith revengefantasies,I strongly recommendthat you seekprofessionalhelp to ensurethat your fantasiesdon't escalateinto realities.If you havealreadycrossedthe line into some sort of destructivettacting out" behavior against property,it is essentialthatyou seekhelp beforeyou hurt someone. If you havealreadyexplodedinto physical assault-evenif only once-r0u mu,stget hdp. The impulsesthat aredrivirg you are outside of your consciouscontrol.It is foolish to imaginethat you can

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4

TheSoviorComplex

Everybody'sgot problems.But hisjust seemedto be so overwhelming.It really broke my heart.I had to help him. I knew that if I couldjust pull him through this, thingswould be great.What a moron I was. -lVatalie q, ome obsessivelovers are magneticallydrawn to targetswho t-, have perpetual life problems of enormous proportions. The partner may be unable to hold ajob, or an alcoholicwho is usually drunk or hung over,or a d*g addictwhoselife revolvesaroundthe next fi*, or a con artist. The partnermay be strugglingwith severe or chronic sexualproblems or, in extremecases,may even be a physicalabuseror habitual criminal. But no matterwhat the problem,the obsessors who areattracted to theseloversbelievethat they havethe power to fix it. They believe that if they canjust love enough,give enough,do enough,or

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TheSaviorComplex | 79 and validationfrom helping other people dealwith problems.For Saviors,the salvationof a troubled lover is the cornerstoneof their self-worthand very identity; it's their reasonfor existence.Saviors' livesaredominatedby their need to be needed. This intenseneed manifestsitself in very specificways for Saviors. When they shouldersomeof the burden of their lover'sproblems, they feel noble. If they can fix or solve some of those probleffis,they feel needed.If their fixing becomeshabitual and their lover becomesdependenton them, they feel indispensable. And once they believetheir lover can't do without them, they can, for the time being,allaytheir greatestfear-the greatestfearof every obsessive lover-the fearof abandonment.No wonder so manyobsessivelovers are drawn to the role of Savior. The mythical Saviorsof old heroicallyfaced impossibleodds without losing faith. They slew giants;they battled heathens;they defied death. Obsessivelovers who take up the causeof a deeply and consistentlytroubled partner also faceimpossibleodds without losingfaith. Their faith is sustainedby their need to be needed. But this faith is neverenough to overcomethe very real problems that Saviorsattemptto solve.Unlike the Saviorsof old, theseobsessiveloversneverwin.

Are Youa Savior? To help you determineif you are a Savior,I have devised the following checklist.In consideringyour responsesto this checklist,remember that there is nothing wrong with trying to help your partner once in a while. We all need a helpinghand now and then. But if your partner'sproblems havebecomethe focus of your life, and if all the effortis comirg from lou, if your partner hasregularly shownlittle or no interestin takingresponsibilityfor his or her own life struggles,you are a Savior. Pleasetakeyour time and determinewhether any of thesestatementsdescribesyou.

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The SaviorComplex I

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with a Obsessed LoverWhoseLife ls a Mess Natalie,forty-threeyearsold, is a brown-haired,brown-eyedhistorian who teachescivics and governmentin a Los Angelespublic high school.Shejoined one of my therapygroupsbecauseshewas in a relationshipthat wasproving to be very costlyto her,both emotionallyand financially.Her calm,soft-spokenmannerbeliedthe inner turmoil sheexpressedon her first duy in group. Natalie I just wish he'd leave.This is too toxic, too destructive, too crazy.Idon't careif I neverget a penny of my money back,I know I'd be betteroffwithout him. But Ijust can't kick him out. We're so bonded together.Our livesareso intertwined. Natalie had left her husbandtwo and a half yearsearlierwhen she discoveredhis long-standingafhir with his secretary.Since then she had had a two-yearrebound relationshipwith a married colleaguethat ended disastrouslywhen his wife camehome unexpectedlyone afternoonand discoveredthem in bed together.About a month later,shemet Rick. He wasbehind her in line for an afternoon movie, and they both happenedto be there alone.They startedtalkingand decidedto sit together.After the film, they went out for coffeeand really hit it off. J\b,talie I wasprobably at my neediest,my worst, my most desperatealonetime in my life. I reallywanted to be with somebody,and herewas this gorgeousblond, blue-eled, thirty-five-year-oldPisceswho kind of attachedhimselfto me asof day one. I meanhereI was,eight yearsolder than him, and he didn't care.It felt great.BeforeI knew it, he was all I could think about.I wantedto be with him all the time.

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TheSaviorComplex | 83 saidhe wasso depressedaboutmoneyproblemsthat hejust couldn't getin the mood. He washavingtroublemaking paymentson a condoin Bakersfieldhe'd boughtasan investment-his fatherhad left him a little money-and it was reallygettinghim down. He'd rentedtheplaceto a deadbeat who hadn't paid rent in six months,but he couldn't go up there to evictthe guy becausethe transmissionjustwent out in his car and he didn't havethe eight hundred dollarsto fix it . . . he wasfeeling verydesperateabout keepinghis headabovewater. I couldn't standto seehim like that.I had to help him out. The more Rick told her about his financialwoes,the more sympathy Nataliefelt for him. Driven by her compassion,she lent him the money to fix his car,barely giving a secondthought to his inability to pay her back.To Natalie,Rick was an innocentvictim of bad luck and worsepeople. Natalie willingly acceptedthis notion of Rick as an unlucky victim becausethat meanthe neededsomeoneto changehis luck. Like all Saviors,shewasdrawn to her target'shelplessness. In appealirg to her need to be needed,this man, whom shealreadyfound physically attractive,becameirresistibleto her. She sawin him the potential to becomeher One Magic Person,once she could turn his financialproblemsaround-as well ashis sexualones.

Tur,Srxun Sewon Nataliebought into Rick's story that his lack of sexualdesirewas a direct result of his financial pressures.No*, after lending him money,Natalie expectedhim to becomemore sexuallyresponsive. But when their sexualrelationship-or lack of one-didn't change, shedecidedto becomemore aggressive. Natalie I finally had to seducehim. What a disaster.He just lay there.I thought,ttWell,he's neverhad a realwoman, someoneasexperiencedas I am . . . someonewho's as

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TheSaviorComplex | 85 wasunpleasant,but shewas afraidto turn him off, not willing to risk losing ground in her crusadeto savehim. When I askedNataliewhy shedidn't encourageRick to go into therapy,shetold me shewas afraidhe would resenther implication that therewas somethingwrong with him. And besides,why would he needtherapywhen shewasabsolutelyconvincedthat shecould savehim herself?

Atwnvs oN THEBnlrurcoF DrAsrER Nataliehad about asmuch chanceof savingRick from his sexualand financialtroublesasshedid of sweepingbackthe oceanwith a broom. Natalie just Things went from bad to worsefor him, and the worsethey Bot,the more depressedhe got. When he finally went to Bakersfieldto sell the condo,he found that his tenanthad practicullydestroyedthe place.It needbd "urpets, drapes,paintirg, a lot of repairs. . . it was a mess.He called me reallyupset.He couldn't sellit without fixing it up, but he couldn't fix it up becausehe wasbroke.I knew it was going to be expensive,but I told him to come on home and we'd work somethingout. Natalie,like all Saviors,was being draggedby her lover into a whirlpool ofproblems. Rick wasa classicloser,alwayson the brink of disaster.If it wasn'this transmission, it washis brakes.If it wasn't a repair for his condo, it was a creditorbreathingdown his neck.If he managedto getajob, he couldn'tgetalongwith his boss.He was alwaysout of money but, accordingto Rick, it was neverhis fault. Hejust couldn?tget a break. Rick's solution was to borrow from Natalie to staveoff the successionofpeoplewho seemedbent on betrayinghim, usinghim, or failing him. Overwhelmed by his never-endingprobleils, Rick nevereventhought about the possibilitythat he might be betrayirg, using,or failing Natalie.

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TheSaviorComplex | 87 Natalie He neededseventhousanddollars to fix up the condo. I told him I didn't havethat kind of mone5 and hejust went to pieces.He startedranting about how everythingin his life alwaysturned to shit anyway.Why should he expectanything to changenowPI was the one personin his life he thought was on his sideand now he couldn't evendepend on me anymore.The more he went on, the worseI felt until I just couldn't takeit anymore.I found myselfapologizing for letting him down and the next thing I knew I was going to my credit union and borrowirg the money. When Rick sensedthat Natalie'ssympathyand maternalfeelings werenot sufficientto induceher to makethis enormoussacrificefor him, he pulled out the heavyartillery: guilt. He made Natalie feel like the villain. Now his miserywas her fault becauseshewas abandoning him at the worst time in his life. Forgetthe fact that shehad moved him into her house,had bailed him out of numerousfinancialjams,had comfortedhim when he waslo*, and had put up with his painful, unfulfilling sexualpractices-nothing waseverenough. To a committed Saviorlike Natalie,the guilt was unbearable.It threatenedthe very foundationof her self-worthby contradicting her belief that she was a giving, loving person. Once Rick persuadedNatalieshewasbeing selfish,h. had her in the palm of his hand. The only way shecould live with herselfwas to go into debt for him. The more deeply involvedNatalie becamewith Rick, the more di{ficult it becamefor her to extricateherself.Her pattern of rescuitg becamea way of life for both of them, a way of life that depleted her financially,emotionally,and sexually.

with a DeceitfulLover Obsessed Natalie'sobsessivelove and her need to be neededmade her vulnerable to Rickts never-endinglitany of troubles. These same

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TheSauiorComplex | 89 traction,Debrawasoverlookingimportantcluesthat,asit turnedout, would havesavedher not only a lot of grief, but a lot of mciney.Hal had been evasiveabout eventhe most basicinformation about himself,but insteadof readirg this asa warning,Debra allowedher infatuation to overcomeher betterj"dg*ent. When Hal gaveDebra the runaround,sheshould havehad seriousdoubts about his character, his honesty,and his life situation,but shechoseto couch his secrecy in romantictermslike t6mysterious" and ttexcititrg."Shewasso taken by his charmand his appearancethat sherefusedto allow anysuspicionsto color her view of him.J.rdg*ent is one of the earliestcasualtiesof the Saviorcornplex?or of any form of obsessivelove. Aw AwSwTRFoR EvrnwruNc Hal called the next duy and invited Debra to the beach.When he cameto pick her up, she was shockedto seehim driving a fifteenyear-old Chevy with rusted hinges,mismatcheddented fenders, and torn upholstery. Debra I was so stunnedthat he would drive such a horrible wreck of a car. . . . I mean,the way he talked and the way he dressed,he seemedso . . . successful. He must havereadmy mind becausethe first words out of his mouth were!,"This is just a loaner.Someonerear-endedmy Maserati,and it's been in the shop for a month." That seemedplausibleto me,but on the way home he askedme to fish someKleenexout of the glovecompartment,and when I did, I saw that the car wasregisteredin his name.I wasa little upset that he'd felt he had to lie to me, but I knew it wasbecausehe wasembarrassed,so I didn't sayanythingaboutit. It's not unusualfor people to exaggerate certain aspectsof their lives or slightly color the truth to try to impress new or potential lovers.But Hal's deceptionaboutthe carwasan out-and-outlie that shouldhavealertedDebra to seriousquestionsabout his honesty.

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TheSaviorComplex | 91 Insteadof seeingthe blatantinconsistencies befweenHal's selfdescription and his lifesty'e,Debra choseto seehis storiesas personal revelations,welcomirg them as signsof his budding trust in her. To not trust him in return would be to sabotage her own dream of a truly honestrelationship.How could shenot believehim? Like all Saviors? Debraavoidedlooking at the holesin her lover's story.It was more important to her to establisha trustirg relationship. She was afraid to paint herselfas a suspiciouscynic, fearing that he might find her lessloving or lesslovable.In her desireto cement a lastingrelationshipwith Hal, she waspredisposedto overlook his discrepancies. As the relationshipprogressed,Debra caughtHal in a number of small deceptions.For example,shefound that he had usedher credit card without asking.He apologized,saFng he had intended to tell her aboutit but 'ljustplain forgot."On anotheroccasion,shefound a number of lengthyphone callsto CostaRica on her bill. He denied making them?eventhoughhe had told her that he had a good buddy living there.ThkensinglSanyof thesedeceptionsmight havebeenexplained awayas a lapseinjudgment, but takenasa group, they indicatedan alarmirg patternof dishonestyand exploitation.Still, Debra refusedto lose faith in Hal and acceptedall of his apologies. " l ' M N o r U r c eH E R " When Hal finally told Debra about his ex-wife,he depictedher as greedy,cruel, and abusive-andhimselfasher poor?helplessvictim. He evenconfessedto havirg been afraid to trust a woman sincehe left his marriage.Buyinghis story lock, stock,and barrel,Debra felt compelledto saveHal from his emotionalwoundsby proving that not all women wereasbad ashis ex-wife. Debra When he'd apologizethat he couldn't afford to takeme out, I'd tell him that I could take him to a restaurantor a concert once in a while. What differencedid it makewho picked up the checkaslong as we were together?He really

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The SaviorComplex |

93

Srr No EvrL,HeenNo Evtt Debra wasn't worried about lending money to Hal. She had no doubt that he would pay her back as soon as one of his dealswent through.Shebelievedhe had the potentialto be the most dynamic, successful,loving man. . . . She believedit becauseher heart told her so. Sheknew once shehelpedhim through his temporaryhard times,shewould haveher One Magic Person. And then the roof fell in. Dehra I ran into Dave at the market.He seemedamusedto hear that I'd gottentogetherwith Hal. We went out for a cup of coffeeand I askedhim if he knew Hal's ex-wife. He was suryrised.He said,ttWhat ex-wife?He's neverbeenmarried in his life." My first thought was,"Dave'skiddirg." But he sworehe wasn't.Then I got so upsetI thought I wasgoing to havea heart attack.I startedscreamirgabout how it couldn't be true! "Hal's payingtwo thousanddollarsa month in alimony and child support! )Iou don't know what you're talkingabout! How canyou play such a crueljoke on me. . . ." I eventold him I neverwantedto seehim again.I rantedand ravedand then stormedout. I'll neverforgetthe total shockand confusionon his face. Dave'sbombshellthreatenedto destroyDebra'sworld. If shebelieved him shewould havehad to believeHal was lying to her, and her One Magic Person couldn't lie. Like most other obsessive lovers,Saviorswill tolerateno reality that threatensto erodetheir idealizedimage. Debra'sangerat Davewasher wayof defendingagainstthepanic shefelt at the possibility that her loverwasdeceivirg her.If he were lying abouthis ex-wife,he could alsobe lying about his lovefor Debra, about needingher, about wantingher. He could alsobe lying

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TheSaviorComplex | 95 trust in him, So she acceptedhis increasinglycomplicatedand unlikely explanations.She neededhim to make the pain and fear go away)to reassureher that the relationshipwas still viable.And once again,he obliged her. Dehra He swore I would neverhear another lie from him, and we both had a good cry.The idea of kicking him out didn't evencrossmy mind becauseI knew we werein this togetherfor the long haul.That night we had the best sex we'd ever had. The next morning I woke up and he was gone. Debra neversawHal again.When shelooked into her real estate "investmentr"she discoveredthat the papershe had given her referred to a nonexistentproject.He had committeda well-planned, well-executedfraud. By the time she tallied up her financiallosses, shewasout almost$30,000,but that wasa drop in thebucketcomparedwith her emotionaldamages.

"HowCoutoI HnvrLrr Tur HnpprN ro ME?" Debra told me this story over lunch, a week after Hal took off. At first I was astonished.Shehad alwaysbeenopenwith me about her relationshipsin the past;yet during the courseof this relationship, I had seenher a number of timesand she had neverevenhinted at problems. But once the details were clear, Debra's secrecywas hardly surprising. Saviorsroutinely lie for their lovers, make excusesfor them,coverup for them,and put on a bravefront both for the rest of the world and for themselves. Debra realizedthat,evenat the last,shehad overlookedabsolute proof of Hal's continuing deceit.When he admittedto lying about havingan ex-wifeand child, he claimedit was to get $6,000 for his brother's bail. But Hal had made up the story about the alimony and child support moneyat leasta month beforehis allegedbrother

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TheSaviorComplex | 97

feelwhat most peoplefeel in normal humaninteraction.They lack the internal monitorsof moraliry,ethics,and caringthat causemost of,usto feel guilt and anxiefywhen we hurt others. Saviorsoften wind up in relationshipswith sociopathsbecause Saviorsaregivers,and giversare easyquarriesfor predatorytakers. Sociopathshave the added advantageof often being extremely adept at the art of seduction.Unfortunately,the goal of that seduction is not love,but money. Most sociopathsmoveso fast that their victims know little about them before becomitg inextricably enmeshed.When Debra allowed Hal to moveinto her house,shehad no idea where he lived previouslphow he supportedhimself,ot what his backgroundwas. She was swept awayby passionbeforeshe had a chanceto think about the dubiousnature of his stories,and once she was committed to the relationshipshe didn't want to think about it. If you, like Debra, find yourselfcontinuallyrescuingyour lover financially(or aretempted, eaenonce)tohand a largesum of money to your lover,whetheras a gift; loan,or investment),don't be afraid to consulta lawyeror a financialadviserto protect your interests.I don't meanto imply that if your lover asksyou for money he or she is necessarily a sociopath,but in the realworld, the only way to protect yourselffrom someonelike Hal is to seekthe adviceof an objective third party whoseperspectiveis not clouded by emotions. Third-party involvementmay angeryour lover or threatenthe trust you believeexistsin your relationship,but financialdealingsshould neverbe mattersof the heart. Sociopathsalwaysseemto offer the moon at the outsetof a relationship,but by the time they leave,thatmoon is invariablyeclipsed by the shadowof betrayal.

Obsessed with an AddictedLover Nowhere do Saviors confront more powerfirl demons than when attempting to rescue a partner who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Physical addictions cannot be overcome by u lover's efforts, no matter

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TheSaviorComplex | 99 All that changedwhen he met Loretta. Shewasa file clerk workirg acrossthe hall from his office.

One duy my carwouldn't ,!:#,^"d I knew shelived nearby, so I askedher if she'dgiveme a lift home.When we got thereI invited her up for a drink and shesaid sufe.I felt reallygrungy so I saidI had to takea shower,and assoonasthewordswere out of my mouth I had this feeling.So I askedher if she'dlike tojoin me. Shesaidsureand we endedup makinglovein the shower.After that we did somespeedand had somemore extremelymad and passionatesexand I wasin love,Everything wascomingup roses.We spentthe next ten daysin bed, only takingtime out for food,work rbooze,and dope. Kirk's relationshipwith Lorettawas born in the distortedreality of alcohol,drugs, and lust. This alreadyheightenedemotionalatmospherewas tailor-madefor obsession. A DtrrcnENTKlwp oF IDEALtzATtoN When most obsessorsidealize,they usedenialto sweeptheir lover's shortcomingsunder the rug. Saviors,however?are oftenwell aware of their lover'sinadequaciesor destructivelife patterns. Kirh Sure,shewas ajunky and a drunk, but so wasI when we started.I mean,who wasI to judgeP Inside,I knew shewas good,shewas sensitive. I rememberonceI squasheda spider and she got reallyupset.I knew,deep down, shewas the perfectgirl for me, absolutelyterrific. Shelookedgreat,she mademe feel great,shereallyknew how to turn me on. We were totallyobsessed. Then, at the conclusionof thoseten days-the bestI everhad-she disappeared, Shejust took all her stuff and split. I wasa basketcase.

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live in her car?so I said, t'Fine. Come and live with ffie, but no drugs or alcohol." She said fine. Loretta moved in that duy and resumed her drinking that same night. While supporting Loretta over the next several months, Kirk tried to persuade her to go to AA meetings with him, but she refused, seeming resentful that he was trynng to tell her what to do.

Kirh I knew from AA that I couldn't help her unlessshe wantedto help herself,but that didn't stop me from trpng. Shehad no self-esteem and nojob, and wasgoing nowhere.I kept tqnng to convinceher to getwork, but sheneverdid anythingaboutit. I startedcirclingjobs in the newspaper and leavingit open on the bed, but that only madeher furious. She'dscreamand yell about how I was a miserableson of a bitch whojust wanted to control her life. I didn't get it. I was doing everythitg for her, and shewas screamirgat me like I was somekind of monster. Kirk thought that if he took care of Loretta, she would haveto love him. He would makehimself so indispensableto her that she would neverleavehim, ashis wife had. But Loretta experiencedhis tthelp" asan encroachmenton her freedom.Yes,shewasdependent on him, but she resentedthat dependencedeeply and struggled againstit. Kirk's support only servedto underscorehow much of a failure shewas. Saviors often find themselvesin love-haterelationshipswith troubled lovers.The more troubled loverstake from their Savior, the more dependentthey feel,and the greatertheir dependence,the greatertheir rageoverlosing control overtheir own life. Yet if Saviors hesitate to rescue-as Natalie did when Rick neededmore money than she had in her savings-their troubled lover is equallyenragedat being abandoned.Saviorsare damnedif they do and damnedif they don't.

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"l RaNOur oF LovE" Becauseof Loretta's addictions,both her life and Kirk's were in a shambles.Sooner or later, even the most devoted Saviorsreach their limits. Kirk eventuallvburned out. Kirh I was sick and tired of paying the bills. I was sick and tired of hearingher complain.I ran out of money.I ran out of love.I ran out of compassion.We werejust bitching and naggingat eachother,and I'd had it. So I decidedto invoke the goldenrule, which is that he who has the gold makesthe rules.I told her, ttl,ook. I've beenpaying for everything.I can't afford to pay the price any longer.It's time for you to leave."The next duy shepackedup all her things and a coupleof her doper friendscameover,threw her stuffin a truck, and drove away.I expectedto feel relieved,but instead,I felt sick. Kirk didn't feelhalf astoughashe sounded.The lopsidednature of the relationship had ground him down. Saviors are typically used,exhausted,and drainedby their lovers:so it is hardly surprisitg that manyof them eventuullygiveup. Unfortunately,this healthy decisionis rarelypermanent.

Tue Hrcu Cosr oF SALVAnIN Kirk may haverun out of love,but he was far from running out of obsession. Kirh That first night without her was horrible. I couldn't sleep. I had to go to the bathroomeveryfive minutes.My stomach hurt, my palms perspired,my head achedwith guilt for what might happento her without me. I was kicking myselffor

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saidall shecould attractwere vice cops.Shewasin really bad shape.Shewasdoing a lot of drugsand shelooked reallypathetic.Shewas scaredabout goingback on the street,so I ofleredher the rescuingthat I alwaysdo. The next thing I knew,she'dmoved back in. Now I'm feeding her,I'm feedingher scumbagfriends,I'm giving her money.. . . We'reexactlyback wherewe startedexceptnow I'm sober. Kirk hadn't realizedthat, despitehis attemptsto cleansehis life of Loretta'stoxic influence,he was still extremelyvulnerable,both to his obsessive lovefor her and to his needto be needed.He falsely believedthat time and distancealone would eradicatehis feelings for her. Predictably,when Loretta returned,her appealfor help was all it took to shatterhis commitmentto live without her. Many obsessiverelationshipr,especiallythosebetweenSaviors and troubled lovers,end not once?but manytimes.These relationships easilyfall into a frustrating?repetitivepattern of breaking up and reunitirg. If you are a Saviorand you have found the strength and the insight to set limits on what you are willing to do for your lover or evenextricateyourselffrom the relationship,it's important that you don't makethe mistakeof believingyou areout of the woods. Even though their betterjudgmentinvariablytells them otherwise,most Saviorsfind it extremelydifficult to resisttaking a troubled lover back into their lives.

Thelmbalanceof Power Thoubledloversplay the guilt, pity, and compassionof their Saviors like the finely tunedstringsof a violin. Lorettatook full advantageof the fact that Kirk couldn't bear to seeher out on the streetsand would go to almostany lengths to saveher. Hal used Debra's obsessivelove to lure her into a web of lies and to expertly maneuver her into thinking shewasvolunteeringto help him out. Rick came

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Targefs of Obsessive Lovers

5

TheCo-obsessive Target

It drives me crazybeingin this relationshipwhere I'm loving all the attentionI'm hating. -Karen t is fashionableto believethat both partnersin a relationshipare J Iequally responsiblefor the problems that arisebetween them. But for many targetsof obsessivelove, the conceptof shared responsibiliry simply doesn't hold true. Some targetsare not even awarethat someoneis obsessiveabout them; othersdo nothing to encouragetheir obsessorto pursue the relationship;and still others-who find that their partner in a relationshiphas become obsessive-makevery clear,decisiveeffortsto getthatlover out of their lives.These targetsdon't invite the obsession,theydontt enjoy the obsession,they don't want the obsession. But there a,retargetswho are as deeply enmeshedwith their obsessivelover as their loveris with them. They behavein waysthat either encouragetheir lover'sobsessivebehavioror hil to discourage

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consultation,they both seemedhighly motivatedto find a way of building a lasting,healthy relationshipfrom the wreckageof what they had. Karen I have a lot of inner conflict becauseI'm suffocated and pressured and I always resent it when he intrudes on me. But, by the same token, we really love each other and I know how hard that is to find. He fills this need in me and I can't let go of that Karen was expressing the inner strife that almost all co-obsessors feel. One minute she wanted in, the next minute she wanted out. Like most co-obsessors,she was torn between love and frustration, and her indecision was fueling Ray's fear of rejection, provoking him to become even more possessive.

Roy Every time she tells me shewantsto call it off, it kills me. Shekicks me out and then in a coupleof weeksshe changes her mind. It drivesme nuts. I loveher so much . . . it's really painful.We get into theseenormousfights and then we make up. Up and down, up and down. I keepfighting to get and shekeepswithdrawing, fighting not to give.So I try even harder.And that'show we've relatedfor most of the relationship.It's like her sicknessplaysoffof mine. Ruy and Karen'spattern of repetitivebreakingup and reuniting is commonfor co-obsessors. But evenif co-obsessors neverreach the point of actuallytrying to breakrp with their partner,they typically describehim or her as being impossibleto live with and impossibleto live without. This kind of relationshipis bound to be turbulent,draining,and ultimatelydebilitating.

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Karen I felt his desperationfrom the first phone call.He wanted to seeme right away?all the time. There was a poem in my mailbox every d"y. There werephone calls from him several timesa day.There were flowers.I was very drawn to him, it wasgreatin bed, and I lovedall the attention . . . that was a big part of it. I knew somethirgdidn't feel right aboutit-it wasjust too much, too intense-but I had comeout of a marriageto an alcoholicwho ignored me and washavinga lot of afhirs, so the fact that Ruywas so hot to seeme was an incrediblelift for me. Karen'sself-worthhad beendevastatedby u bad marriageand a long string of unsuccessfulattemptsto find a new relationship.She was hurting and neededreassurance about her desirability.Ray's hot andhearypursuit wasjustwhat the doctor ordered.Raytapped deeply into her need to once again feel good about herself as a woman,and his validationwas far more important to her than her misgivings.

"l FrrL 50 SwoTUERED" From the very beginnirg of their relationship,Karennoticedcertain aspectsof Ray's personalirythat disturbed her. Even though she initially welcomedhis romanticpursuit, it soon escalatedinto intensejealousy.This was a major sourceof conflict betweenthem. Karen I had many malefriendsbeforeI met him . . . friendsof six years,sevenyears,ten years. . . platonic friends.And we would get togetherand havelunch or work out businessarrangementsor thingslike that. But when Ruy cameinto my life he was immediatelyvery veryjealousof all thesemen. If therewasa phone call,he'd go, "Who's that?How many timeshashe calledyou? Why is he callingyou? What's

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rights. He wasrunning roughshodover her freedomto be separate and independent,and that enragedher. Karen There's all this angerinside of me but it nevercomesout as anger.I feel overwhelmedand intruded upon like I have no individuality and no life. Like I'm not my own person anymore.I alwayshad to be whoeverhe wantsme to be. It infuriated ffie, but the only way I everexpressedit was by withdrawing. That was my way of expressinganger,kind of sideways.I startedputting up walls.I'd bury myselfin the paper everymorning insteadof talkingto him. I'd staylate at work. I wouldn't hold his hand when we'd go for walks.It was the only way I could feel like my own individual person again. Instead of openly resisting Ray's psychologicaltrespassing, Karen withdre\M.She built an emotional wall and hid behind it. Other co-obsessorsdeal with this sort of encroachmentby resistitg. They argue?they makescenes,they makeaccusations,or they walk out (invariably to be pulled back). They believethat through uproar they can reclaimtheir lost autonomy.But assoon asthe dust settles,their relationshiptendsto slip backinto the familiarpatterns of suffocationand resentment. By withdrawirg, Karen thought she was regroupingand getting her feetback under her,and in a differentkind of relationship,she might have done so. But one of the paradoxesof co-obsessionis that the very withdrawal that many targetsuse to try to deal with their resentmentonly servesto incite more of the invasivebehavior that angeredthem in the first place. Ro! She'd go into the bathroom and closethe door. That's all shetddo. But Itd go nuts.There was somethirgabout the closeddoor that meantrejectionto me and that terrifiedme. It wasn't that I had to havethe door openwhen shewas

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Co-onsEsslyE NrrprNEss While there are some differencesbetween obsessorsand coobsessors-primarily that obsessorstend to be dominating and aggressive while co-obsessorstend to be passive-the two invariably shareone overridirg charactertrait: an insatiableneedto find a love that can fill their inner emotionalemptiness. Karen All my friends keep telling me to get out of it, that Ruy is a realsick personand this relationshipis an unsafeplacefor me to be. But I havethis big void inside of me, and I needto fill it and be with a person who fills it. He fills it better than anybodyelsein the world When Karen talked about her "void," she was describingan emotionalvacuum that went far beyond the yearning for love and romancethatmostofus share.To obsessors and co-obsessors alike, nothing-not work, not family,not friends-can be fulfilling enough to overcomethis deep senseof emptiness. When Ruy cameinto Karen'slife, he filled this void for her.Unfortunately,he filled it with the chaosof obsession insteadof the nourishment ofhealthylove.Karenfailedto seethedistinction.Her neediness was too great-a needinessshehad beenharboringsincechildhood. Karen'sparentshad a very troubled marriage.She remembers her father shouting at both her and her mother wheneverhe was home. He would frequently spend the night away)and Karen's mother becameincreasinglypreoccupiedby the fear of losinghim. As the marriagedeteriorated,Karen'smother sufferedfrom severe depressions,making her emotionallyunavailableto Karen for a greatdealof Karen'schildhood. Karen Looking back,I don't think *y fatherand I everhad more than ten minutes togetherunlesshe was yelling at me.

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As Karen spoke,her terror was palpable.She sawher relationship with Ruy as an either-orsituation-either sheput up with his turmoil or shereturned to her emptiness.What a choice.

CorurusrNc JrercusywtrHLovr From the beginnitg of their relationship,Ruy wasextremelyjealous of Karen.Shefelt suffocatedby his suspicionsand accusations, and yet sheput up with them because, like most co-obsessors-as well jealousy as an expressionof as most obsessors-sheinteqpreted love. Karen He getsupset if I leavea button unbuttoned on my blouse.He saysI'm showingtoo much. Or if I weara skirt with a split on it, he'll sayhe can seeright up my dress,right up my crotch. I feel like he wantsme to wrap myselfup like one of thosePersianwomen:so no one can evenseemy face. He wantsall of me for himself. . . all of me . . . more than I haveto give.I hateit, but I needit, too. When he getsjealous I can feelhow much I meanto him, all that love,all that fear . . . it's exciting and maddeningat the sametime. Karenrealizedthat when Ruy criticizedthe way shewasdressed, he was sayinga lot more about himself than he was abouther. He was reallyexpressinghow threatenedhe felt by her attractiveness, how afraid he was of being replaced.So she saw his increasingly frighteningjealousyasan expressionof how much he caredfor her. How could he get so upsetunlessshemeant everythingto him? Ruy,like Karen?romanticizedhisjealousy. Roy When we fight, I neverhearwhat I need to hearto alleviatemy doubts. So I probe . . . and I know I getverbally abusive. . . I come down heavierand heavier,but it's never enoughto satisfr me. So I physicallytry to restrainher from

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erable amount of internal conflict, or they act out their ambivalence, repeatedly standing up for themselves and then backing down. One duy Karen would resist Ray's demands, the next duy she'd give in. One week she'd break up with hh, the next she'd take him back. In their ambivalence,most co-obsessorsare so confused about what it is that they really feel and what it is they really want that they can't make the most basic decisions about their relationships. They lose trust in their own instincts and perceptions, which makes it even harder for them to be decisive. This paralysis makes them feel inadequate and weak, leading to an enormous amount of shame and self-reproach.

Tur Co-onsEssoR's Snr-Rrpnoncu Self-reproach is an ongoing source of pain for co-obsessors.In addition to the self-reproach they feel because they can't make decisions, co-obsessorschastisethemselves for actirg weak in the face of their obsessivelover's demands and sometimes even for stayirg in what they know to be an unhealthy relationship. Karen When he's being a shit, I never stand up and say ttRuy, that isn't any of your business" or ttl don't want to answer that." And I feel ashamedof myself becauseI don't stand up to him. I feel "less than" becauseI stay in the relationship. I feel like I'm as sick as he is becauseof my own decision to stay. Despite her insights, Karen was unable to change her capitulatitg ways. Instead, she fell into a frustrating cycle of giving in and blaming herselfi . .

The more she reproached herself, the lessconfidence she had. The less confidence she had, the more powerless she felt.

.

The more powerlessshe felt, the more passiveshe became.

'

The more passiveshe became, the more she tolerated his inappropriate behavior.

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TheCyobsessive Target | 123 Karen He beggedme to let him stay,eventhough we'd had this big discussionabout my gettingaway.I felt really resentful, but then he startedcryng and I felt guilty for feelingresentful.The elementalmom in me cameup-he needsthat and he needsthis and I'm beingsucha shit. It was like he loved me more than I loved him and I was somehowbad becauseof it. So I finally saidokayand he spent the whole weekendtellirg me what a good time I was having. It was horrible. Karenreactedto Ray's sufferingasif shehad committeda crime, though she had done nothing cruel or malevolent.Once againshe accommodatedhis feelingsat the expenseof her own?and shewas miserablefor the entire weekend.But Karen endured her suffering becauseit easedher undeservedfeelingsof guilt. Unfortunately,it did nothing to easeher anger.

TheTurningPoint For Karen, Ray's violation of his promise to ttgive" her the weekend to herself turned out to be the last straw. It finallv drove home the fact that she was paying too high a price.

Karen I stewedin the car all the way to town. Itjust felt like the whole relationshipwas him gettinghis needstakencareof and hirn alwayscoming first. But loveis respectinganother person'swishes,it's not havingto comefirst all the time.I wasfed up with hisjealousy,fed up with his arguments, fed up with him.I was tired ofwakingup in the middle of the night with my stomachin knots.By the time I got home, I wasreallyworked rp. . . . He wastherewaiting for ffier grinning.I wasvery very angryand he didn't evennotice.

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the inner emptinessthey havein common with their obsessor.But by toleratinginapproirriatebehavior,co-obsessorsinadvertentlyencouragetheir lover's obsessiveness. They becomeincreasinglyenmeshedin a chaotic and unhealthyrelationship until they find the courageand determinationto makesomepositivechangesin their life.

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lationship is over. But many targetshave trouble ending the relationship becausethey are handcuffedby their rwn feelings-feelings of compassion,guilt, and sexualdesire.

Whenthe Target'sFeelings Getin the Way No one with any consciencelikes to be the causeof someone else's pain. But in the complex and often bewildering maze of human relationships, it is inevitable that lovers sometimes get hurt. Even ifwe have no unkind intentions?even ifwe commit no malicious acts: w€ are all still susceptible to feeling cruel when we hurt a lover by enditg a relationship. In an obsessive relationship, these feelings are amplified by the enormity of the obsessor's su{fering.

"l CoutoN'r SrqrupIr WUENSHE CRIED" Elliot, thirfy-five,is a husky,blond, beardedNew York-baseddocumentary film producer.While at a party,he met Lisa, a freelance graphicdesigner.He had beenseeinga womannamedHanna fairly regulath fot about a yea\ though they both dated other people. When he startedgoing out with Lisa, he was open about Hanna, and Lisa didn't appearto be botheredby it. She seemedto agree that becauseshe and Elliot werejust gettingto know eachother,it was prematureto expectany emotional commitments.But it soon becameapparentto Elliot that Lisa's acceptanceof his other lover was a facade.In subtleways?she beganto let him know that deep down, she found his relationshipwith Hanna very upsettirg. She becameincreasinglypossessive. It took only fiveweeksfor Elliot to feelsuffocatedby Lisa. He realizedthat he didn't want to continue seeirgher. Elliot I absolutelywantedout, no ifs, ands,or buts.But I got so hung up in trying to let her down gentlythat I wasn'tletting

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On their very first date Mark asked Shelly to stop seeing other men. She had serious misgivings but, intrigued by the intensiry of his interest, she agreed. As their relationship progressed, she was initially drawn in by his growing adoration but eventually began to tire of his need for constant reassurance. Six months later Mark asked her to marry him. With some trepidation she agreed,hoping that her "sacred vows" would relieve his fears. It didn't work. By the end of their first year of marriage Shelly was fed up with what had become a constant barrage of suspicious outbursts and accusations. She was convinced that she and Mark could never make the relationship work. But she couldn't bring herself to tell him. Shelly came to see me as a client a few weeks after their second anniversary.

SheIIy I don't evenknow if I was everreally in love with him, but he was so in love with me that I figuredit was meantto be. The Lord must havehad a plan and purpose to lead me into this relationship.There were a lot of things about him that botheredme-he has this horrific temper-but I figured once I madethe commitment,I would open up to him and he would calmdown. So we got marriedand I really tried to love him, but he getsso upsetaboutthe littlest things.I've talked to my minister about it and he suggestedcomingin togetherto try and savethe marriage. . . but that'sjust not what I want.I want out. Period.Ijust want out. I just can't figure out how to tell him. He's so . . . I mean,I don't know what he'll do. He's alwayssaying,ttl can't live without you . ., I loveyou so much it scaresme . . . you'remy w h o l e l i f e . . ,. " Shelly married Mark for all the wrong reasons.It was his Iave, not theirs, that led them to the altar.In addition, shemadethe mistakeof underestimating-asmost targetsdo-the insatiabilityof obsession.She believed that marriagewould make him feel secure enough to ttcalmdownr" when, ir fact,no commitmentis reassur-

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to act preventedher from doing anythingabout gettirg out.

Tur TnnpoF GREAr Srx The power of sexualpleasurecan also makeit difficult for a target to act decisivelyto end a relationship.\ /hile someobsessors are as insensitiveto their target'ssexualneeds as thby are to his or her emotionalneeds,many obsessive loversare so preoccupiedby their target that they become extremelyresponsiveto sexual needs. Theseobsessorscan makeunusuullysatisfrirg lovers. Eventhough Elliot had madethe still-unspokendecisionto stop seeingLisa, he continued to want her sexually.This desirewas initially more powerful than his resolve,but under the circumstances? sexled to increasingguilt. So a few weeksafterhis abortedattempt to cut backon seeirg her,he told her he 'Just wantedto be friends." Elliot Sheagreedto do whateverI wanted aslong aswe could keepseeingeachother.I cut back on seeirg her to oncea week,and we stoppedsleepingtogether,but shekept tryng to tempt me back into it with new massagetechniques,sex toys,whatever.She'd modelher new lingeriefor me under the pretext that shehad bought it for someother guy,then she'dwind up sittirg in my lap half-naked,trying to seduce me. Then one night, afterwe'd had a bottle of wine, shewas massagirgmy feet and shewas . . . just the way shewas rubbing my skin, it was reallysensual. . . and then shestarted inching up my calves,up my thighs. . . . I was getting incredibly turned on. I thoughtto myself,"What am I doingP"Sexwas the only thing I still er$oyeddoing with her, and it was the only thing I was denying myself.And it wasn'tlike abstinencewasmakingany differenceto her-she was still calling me ten timesa day.So I thought,"What the hell." BeforeI knew it we wereback to seeingeachother threetimesa week.

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sages? which only succeedin fanning the flamesof their lover's obsessivebehavior. Most people mistakenlybelievethat we communicateour feelings primarily by talking about them. Psychologicalresearchindicatesthat asmuch as75 percentof all communicationis nonverbal. Body language,behavior,and attitude are often more expressive than words. When we are conflicted,or are trying to hide our real feelings,we often sayone thing but do another,giving out what are commonlyknown asdoublemessages.

9vlruc OrurTnwG,Dollc Aruorrurn Despite gravemisgivings,Elliot continued his sexualrelationship with Lisa. He alsocontinuedto seeHanna,which increasinglyfrustratedLisa. One night shefinally exploded.But this time, insteadof backing down, Elliot got angry and told her thisjust wasn't workitg for him and he didn't want to see her anymore. Then he ' stormedout, leavingher in tears. Elliot didn't hearfrom Lisa for two weeks,leadirg him to believe it was finally over.Then she showed rp unexpectedlyat his apartment. Elliot I openedthe door and there shewas,all smilesand sweetnessasif nothirg had happened.Shewaswearing this fancy coat and thesesexyspike heels,and I remember wondering what shewas dressedrp for. Then she opened her coat and shewasnakedunderneath.My first thought was, ttOh, no. Not again."I tried not to hurt her feelings,but I told her to go home,this was a bad idea.I might as well havebeen speakingSwahili. Shejust walkedright in. I kept thinkins, "Don't be an idiot. She'stoo crazy.You'll just start the whole thing all overagain."But shelookedso good, and she was sosexy.. . . I meah,? nakedwomanshowingup at your door-this waslike a lifelong fantasycometrue. I kept

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rest of the duy he's all over me, tryng to makeme "feel better."I just want to scre&ffi,ttl-,etme breathe!" When ShellypushedMark's hand away)she didn't haveto tellhim shedidn't want him to touch her,shewasspeakingwith her behaaior. And in questioningher, he was makingit clearthat he got her mes,sage.Though shehoped that by not expressingher feelingsout loud shecould somehowhide them from Mark,he still sensedthat shewas slipping awayfrom him. But her reassurirgwordsreinforcedhis conviction that therewassomethirg he could do to woo her back.Sohe actedincreasinglyclingy and solicitous,irritating her all the more. When a targetwants to end a relationship,there is no way of keepingthe negativefeelingssecret-there arejust too many ways for true feelingsto escape.And when obsessive lovers sensenegative feelings,their possessivebehaviorinvariablyescalates, making any kind of breakrp that much harder. It is naturalfor targetsto slip into a patternof double messages, but they invariablypay an emotionalprice when they do. As we've seen,when targetssay one thing and do another,they rarely feel good about themselves. Instead,they feelweak,anxious,and above all, deceptive,addingto the guilt that alreadycompoundstheir dif: ficultiesin endingthe relationship. If you are the targetof an obsessivelover and have come to the decisionto end your relationship,you needto recognizethat double messages only add confusion to an alreadychaotic situation.In the end, you are only prolonging your unhappinessand delaying the inevitable. Many targetsfail to recognizetheir own role in peqpetuatinga failitg relationshipbecausethey are so focusedon how the obsessoris behavingor might behave.I don't meanto imply that onceyou stop giving doublemessages your obsessive loverwill simply pack up and go away quietly,But your partner is not the only one preventinga clean break.Until you deal with your own conflicts and ambiguous behavior,you can'tevenbegin to dealassertively and eflectivelywith your lover.And until you becomeassertivewith an obsessivelover, there is no chancethat he or shewill leaveyou alone.

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room until she could ttprt on a huppy face." She was constantly admonished not to say anything at all if she didn't have anything nice to say. Shelly?smother (and role model) also lived by these homilies, rarely expressing a negative thought in front of her children. Shelly never saw her parents argue and, as a result, came to see domestic conflict as somethirg unnatural, to be avoided at all costs.She never learned that personal confrontation was a normal part of human relationships and a necessary tool for resolving conflicts. As an adult, Shelly had no personal experience to draw from when she wanted to express her dissatisfaction to Mark. She knew that what she had to say would upset Mark, and she felt much more comfortable hiding her feelings than she did precipitating an argument. That was how she had avoided conflict all her life. The very thought of expressing negative feelings filled her with anxiefy. It would have been uncharacteristic of her to confront Mark and, like the rest of us, she was extremely resistant to anything that went againsther nature. Few of us grow up in a household where the open expression of our negative feelings is encouraged. This is as true for men as it is for women. Though some people overcome this upbringing and manage to develop assertive communication skills on their own? many never do. People with undeveloped assertivenessskills have neither the vocabulury nor the confidence to hold their own in a relationship with an overbearing lover. And obsessive lovers are almost always overbearing. I didn't think Shelly needed intensive psychotherapy to deal with her relationship with Mark. Instead, she needed to learn how to stop giving double messagesand start getting her real message acrossto Mark. I suggestedsome short-term crisis resolution work that included assertivenesstraining. After a few months Shelly was finally ready to tell Mark, honestly and decisively, that she wanted to end their rnarriage. He was extremely upset, but when she refused to back down after he made an eloquent, teary and lengthy plea, he finally accepted what she had to say, Most obsessivelovers are not so accommodating.

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riatingly deaf to even the most articulate, emphatic, unambiguous, and decisive statements. Elliot When I first tried to break rp with Lisa, it was like "I don't think we should seeeach other anymore" but then I went to bed with her. Obviously, that was a mistake, so I tried, ttl-et's not sleep together anymore. We can still be friends, but that's it." When that didn't work, it became, ttYou're really terrific, but we're just not compatible, and I think the feelings between us are too confusirg for us to have any kind of a relationship, even a platonic one." When that messagedidn't compute, I was forced to get into, ttl don't want to see lou, I don't want you calling ffi€: I don't want to have anything to do with you." And when even that didn't work I had to finally start hangirg up the minute I heard her voice and slammirg the door in her face. Elliot learned the hard way that nothing short of being cold and blunt would get through to Lisa. When he tried to let her down easy?Lisa misread his attempts to be kind and supportive as proof that he cared about her. It didn't matter what he said. She wasn't listening, she was just looking for an opening. Her unwillingness to take no for an answer left Elliot with little choice but to act in ways that he hated.

Elliot I'd alwaysthoughtof myselfasa prettysensitive, honest guy.But shereallybroughtout theworstin me.I mean,she forcedme to be an asshole.I believein communicatirgwith people,that'show you solveproblems.I'd neverjust slamrnedthe phone down on anybodyin my life. It really mademe feel shitty aboutmyself. Elliot had strong feelingsof self-reproach.He'd actedin ways that contradictedhis self-image.Instead of feelirg assertive,he felt

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wedding of a mutualfriend that shewantedto caryool to becauseshealwaysgot lost when shedroveherselfto this person'shouse.I kept sayingro, until shefinally askedme point-blank why I wasturning her down on all thesethings, sincethey wereall so innocent.I told her I just didn't trust her. So shewent into this very calm,lucid argumentabout how she'd changedin the last two monthsand how unfair it was of me to judge her now on the basisof a verytroubled time in her life. By the time she finished,I wasdrowning in my own guilt again.I camethis closeto agreeingto seeher again.But I didn't. Ijust knew if I gaveher the inch, she'd takethe mile. When Elliot agreedto havelunch with Lisa,he was,in effect,givitg her a few crumbs of hope. But from crumbs,obsessivelovers make loaves.Elliot should have known that Lisa wasn't about to give up easily.What appearedto be a harmlessmeeting quickly turned into anotherseduction.Only this time,insteadof using sexuality,she used reason.She knew that he fearedher volatility and emotionality,so shemanagedto keep thoseparts of her personality in check. She presentedherselfas a changedwoman. But Elliot sensedthat shehad changedonly her stIl", not her goal. Obsessorstakethe slightestindication of friendshipor evencuriosity to meanthat the targetis still ambivalentand canperhapsbe won back. In some casesit may be possibleto maintain some friendly contactwith a former lover,but becausethereis no way of predicting how an obsessorwill interpret or experiencea brief act of openness,it is saferto err on the sideof caution.The harshreality for many targetsis that oncethey makethe decisionand manage to extricatethemselvesfrom an obsessiverelationship,it is risky to let their former lover backinto their livesin any way. After his lunch with Lisa,Elliot decided-again-to cut offall future contactwith her,no matterhow persuasiveher approachmight be. He simply wasn'twilling to makehimselfvulnerableto her manipulationsanymore.Still, she continued to call everyfew months for the next two years,eachtime with a differentcleverstory. She

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Telling mutual friends that you don't want them inviting you and your former lover to the sameparty Refusing to open the door to your former lover when he or she makes unexpected visits Calling security guards or the police Getting a restraining order

llou don't need a therapist to teachyou thesebehaviors-you simply need to becomedeterminedenoughto put them into practice. This is alwaystough at first, but if your obsessivelover refuses to stop pursuing you, I promise you that assertiveaction will get easierwith practice.And sooneror later,in the faceof truly assertive and unambiguousaction,most obsessive loversdo giveup. I know someofyciu will feel guilty over the lengths to which you areforcedto go,but guilt under thesecircumstances is not an indicationthat you aredoirg somethingwrong.Instead,it is an indication that you are doing somethingyou are not used to doing. In order to becometruly free of an obsessive lover,and to regaincontrol ofyour own life,you need to toleratethatguilt. The guilt will go away? but if you don't act assertively, your obsessivelover probably won't.

Wur,NTurm's MIRETo Losr TH,q/v n Lovrn Sometimes assertive action is complicated not only by emotional factors, but by practical considerations. Some obsessors take advantage of positions of power to pursue their targets. Whether it's the clergyrnan who pursues a member of his congregation, the psychologist who pursues one of her interns, the physician who pursues his receptionist, or the college professor who pursues one of her students, obsessorsin positions of authority make it infinitely more complicated for a target to end the relationship. Rhonda is an associateprofessor of literature at alarge university in southern California. She is a very delicately featured brunette,

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nda,s disiac. Rho attraction wasru:'":r-n'::;::r;r ductive trappings of the power of Lynn's position. Rhonda knew her relationship with Lynn was complicated by the imbalance ofpower between them, but it wasn't until Lynn's ob"n"'lJ sessivenature began to emerge that Rhonda realizedjust how great that complication really was. As Lynn and Rhonda settled into their sexual relationship, Lynn began to have jealous fantasies about Rhonda. She became increasingly possessive.When Rhonda went to San Francisco for a two-week seminar, Lynn flew up to see her three times. Lynn also called Rhonda four or five times a day and interrogated her about whether she was having sex with anyone else. Then, when Rhonda returned, Lynn began showing Rhonda o{f to her friends, as if they were engagedto be married. Rhonda I began to feel like a piece ofproperty. I knew I had to end it, but I was afraid that I couldn't get out. Not only would she go nuts, but I was sure I could kiss my tenure good-bye. Five years of my life down the drain. She really had me over a barrel. Rhonda had gotten herself trapped in a situation that had no easy exit. In past relationships, she had generally tried to express her emotions clearly and assertively,but if she were to do that with Lynn, she would be risking serious consequences to her career.On the other hand, if she stayed in a relationship solely for the sake of herjob, she would be sellirg out her emotional well-being. Rhonda Then one night we were having dinner with her sister and Lynn started ramblirg about all these plans for the future that I'd never heard of before . . . and how I was the woman she was going to spend the rest of her life with. I realized I couldn't put it offanymore. It wasn't fair to her; it wasn't fair to me. No matter what it cost me professionally, I had to get out. When we got back to my house that night, I told her.

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BreakingUp ls Hard to Do

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147

The Ultimate EmotionalBlackmail It is not unusualfor obsessive lovers,in a desperateattemptto prevent a targetfrom leaving,to threatensuicide (aswe sawwith Anne in ChapterTwo). When obsessors declarethat their life now lies in the hands of their target,they place an enormousamount of pressure on their target to stayin the relationship.This happenedto Gloria the first time shetoldJi* shewanted to leavehim.

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Gloria I decidedit wasn'tworking about a month afterwe started going together,but it took me another couplemonthsto actually do somethingaboutit. When I told him I wasleaving him, he startedsobbingabout how he wasjust going to go drive off a cliff. Without me, he had nothing to live for. I mean,he was reallymelodramaticabout it, but he's so damnedunpredictable. . . I was terrified that he might actuallydo it. So I calmedhim down and told him I'd give him one more chancebut he had to stop actingso possessive.He sworeup and down that he'd change. . . of course,h" neverdid.

To assuageh"T understandablefears, that he would follow through and that she would feel guilty, Gloria submittedto Jim's emotionalblackmail and backed down on her intention to leave him. In capitulating, Gloria was virtually guaranteeingthat he would repeat this threat whenever he felt fearful that she might leavehim. Gloria Within two weeksI wasclimbing the wallsagain.It got to the point whereI felt like it was him or me.So I decided I wasjust going to haveto tough out the breakupand pray that he didn't meanwhathe said.I beggedhim to get

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7

WhenObsession Turns to Violence

e're about to explore a dark realm-the chaos inflicted on the \ n f Y V lives of targets whose rejected obsessive lovers become violent. This is a tough chapter for me to write because I know how shocking some of these stories can be to read. The last thing I want is to dissuade anyone from entering into a new relationship, or to frighten anyone out of endirg a bad one. But there are important lessons to be learned from the sometimes tragic mistakes made by the women and men you are about to meet. Violence is an ugly rbality for some targets of obsessivelove, and you can't change that reality by pretending that it doesn't exist. We've all heard the highly publicized stories of celebrities who have fallen victim to an obsessive lover's violence, from actressesDominique Dunne and Dorothy Stratton to Scarsdale Diet doctor Herman Thrnower. But this sort of violence is hardly limited to the rich and famous-the papers are full of stories of rejected obsessors who assaultor even murder their former partners. If you are planning to end an obsessiverelationship or have al-

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When ObsessionTurnsto Violence |

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to rem arcgbut she became increasingly insistent and agitated about it. Finally, he told her he wanted to end their relationship. Nan didn't believe that Walter really meant it. She began calling several times a day, droppirg by the shop, droppirg by his apartment, and sending letters, hopirg to get him to change his mind. When Walter refused to respond to her attempts, she became hysterical. On one occasion, she threw a coffee cup at Walter in his kitchen. On another, she threw a wrench through his shop window. Walter was increasingly annoyed and frustrated by her refusal to give up despite his blunt rejections, but he had no idea how to get her to stop. He just hoped that she would finally run out of steam and leave him alone. About a month after he broke up with Nan, Walter met Betty, an insurance agent. They began dating and quickly fell in love. Walter When me and Betty got engaged I figured this was the straw that would get Nan offmy back. The next time she came into the shop, I told her. She turned into an ice queen. Shejust shut down. I remember she muttered something about making sure I'd never forget her, then shejust split. I figured that was that and went back to work. Walter, like many targets?was lulled into a false sense of relief by the fact that Nan seemed to take the news of his engagement calmly. He had expected an explosion, and when it didn't happen on the spot, he assumedhe was home free. But obsessiverage?as we have seen throughout this book, rarely remains contained. It may erupt against an innocent third party; it may erupt inwardly causing the obsessor to become self-destructive; but usually, it erupts against the target, too often in the form of violence. Nan gave Walter a pretty blatant clue that he would be seeing more of her, but he failed to pick up on it. If he had paid closer attention he might have realized that when she '6muttered something about making sure I'cl never forget her," she was deliverirg a threat.

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WhenObsession Turnsfo Violence |

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Walter It wasjust dumb luck that she didn't burn the whole building down.And I gotta tell lou, that'sall I could think about for the next two months. I mean,what was to stop her from comingback,burning the placedown while we're sleepingPI foughtin Korea-I can takecareof myself.But I was scared.I wasrealscared.I'm still scared.I heard she took an overdoseand wound up in a hospitalsomewhere, but I still worry she'll come back.It's beentwo years,but I still think aboutit. Walter,who startedout without evena thought that he might be in danSerp wasstill scaredtwo yearslater.Eventhough Nan's violent outburst fuasdirectedonly againsthis possessions, shehad graphically derr{onstrated her capacityfor violent revenge.He wasjustifiably cottCptnedthat the next time shemight escalateinto an assault againsthim or his new wife. Walterfound no comfort in the factthat sheneve{cameback-instead, hr becamepreoccupiedwith the fbar that she inight. When obsessivelovers transformviolent feelings into violent actions,there is no way of telling how long they will continueor how far they will go. Evenif they neverescalatebeyond attacksagainstproperfy, the fear they engendercan hang like a sword over the target'shead.

SexualAssault

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Janey is an exceptionallybeautiful twenfy-year-oldredhead,the daughterof dearfriends.I've knownJaneysinceshewas born. Two yearsago,when she was a freshmanat an Ivy Leaguecollege,she met Victor, who was twenfy-fouryearsold and a graduatestudent in businessadministration.She was not romanticallyinterestedin Victor, but they shareda love for classicfilms and on the weekends would often go to the movies,though alwayswith a group of other friends. Janey became increasinglyaware that Victor was very

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Turnsfo Violence | 155 WhenObsession alone.His responsewas,"I loveyou so much it's killing me. Just giveme one kiss." I said,"You'vegot to be kidding," and it turned into this kind ofpower strugglewhere he tried to kiss me and I tried to fight him off, and all the time he's telling me how much he lovesme, and the next thing I know he's got this knife and we'rein the bushesand he'sthreateningto kill me if he can't haveme.And then he rapesme. After the rape,Janey becamedepressedand isolated,dropped out of school,and moved back home. She told her parentsshe wanted to takesometime to get overthe trauma,but sherefusedto talk about the rape?she refusedto get counseling,and she refused to press charges.Like many rape victims,Janey was unwilling to face the ordealof a trial, despitea hauntingfear that Victor might find her and repeathis crime. This went on for almost ayear.Janey's parentswereincreasingly concerned.Although she seemedto be functioningon a day-to-day basis,they were aware of how much she had changedsince the rape:shewasmakingno movestowardreturnirg to school,shewas working in a dead-endjob, and she wasn't dating. She saw old friendsonly occasionally, and when theyaskedher abouther moodiness,she insistedthat she was all right and that she would soon start thinking aboutgetting on with her life. Tur WAY" "l'M Ttnro oF FEH.,ING Sincethe day she camehome, I had beenpushingJaneyto let me help her find a therapistwho could workwith her to getoverthe emotional hurdle of her trauma,but shehad steadfastlyrefused.Like so many victims of violent crime, onceJaney'sphysical wounds had healed,shewas so anxious to forget aboutwhat had happenedthat shechoseto ignore,ratherthan face,her emotionalwounds. I felt incredibly frustratedat being unableto do anythingabout Janey'ssuffering-or about her denial.One moment of power for Victor had becomemonths of tormentand anguishfor her.It infuriated ffie, as it always does, that the life of an innocent young

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Turnsfo Violence| 157 WhenObsession When a rapistis an obsessor,his victim has additionalfears.{Jnlike many rapes,this fype of rape is not a random act. The victim hasbeensingledout as the target.And the rapist is much morelikely to try again. If for no other reasonthan this,womenwho are sexuallyassaulted by obsessive loversmust presschargesand be preparedto go the full legalrouteto gettheir rapistbehindbars.Evenif the trial doesnot result in a prison sentence,the targetis sendirg a strong,clearmessage to the obsessorthat shewill not remaina victim. This doesdetersome from attemptingfurther contactwith their victims. obsessors Janeywasforcedto uproot from the ftiends and teachersshehad come to know becauseVictor remainsa student at the university she had been attendirg, but she has begun appltrng to new colleges.Sheis lessafraid to go out aloneat night, she is empowering herselfphysicallyby taking a self-defense class,and shenow carries Mace.Sheis alsoempoweringherselfpsychologicallyby goingto a rape victims' group once a week and volunteeringon a rape crisis hotline twice a month.Janeyhasbeenplaguedby nightmaressince the rape,but they arebecominglessand lessfrequent,and through therapSsheis beginningto reclaimher capacityfor enjoyinglife.

PhysicalVitolence Violenceis a very real threat in intimaterelationships-at leastone out of everyten American womenis beatenby u husbandor lover. For targetsof obsessivelove,the dangercontinuesevenafterthe relationship ends. Obsessivelovers who think they're losing their One Magic Personmay be driven eitherby a need to regainpower over their former lover or by a desirefor revenge. Though men can be the targetsof violent obsessivelovers,the majority of reportedvictims arewomen.A violent ex-loveror husband can terrorize everFcorner of a target'sworld, making it impossiblefor her to live a norrnal life. Every memory is a fearsome reminder that he's out there.Everyknock on the door, everyfootstep?every shadow raises the specterof an obsessedassailant

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That night she moved in with her mother.A few dayslater she filed for divorce. To prevent Harry from having an opportuniry to repeathis assault,Samantha'slawyerwent to court to obtain a restrainingorder.Harry wasprohibitedfrom contactingSamanthadirectly or from coming within 300 yardsof her. GrurvtNGTHr Elvp OFA VIOrcNT REIATIONSHIP Samanthahad put up with Harry's outburstsand tantrumsfor two but shewasnot willing to put up with being hit. The moment years? he crossedthat line, she knew shehad to leavehim, and shedid so quickly and decisively.Yet, her decisionwas anything but easy. Samantha I got really depressedfor a while. After all, I wasstill carryinghis baby,and we had had somegreattimes.I had alwaysthought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life, then all of a sudden . . . that'sa hard thing to giveup. Many targets,like Samantha,believethat becausethey are doitg somethirg healthy for themselvesby ending their violent relationship they will come away emotionally unscathed.But Samantha'sshockand horror overHarry's violencedid not prevent her from sufferinggrief over the deathof their relationshipand over the failureof her expectationsfor the future. It is difficult for most people to understand how a target can grievethe lossof a violent relationship.But no matterhow bad a relationshiphas become,when it comesto an end, most targetsfeel somesenseof lossfor the goodtimes,for the securityof beingconnectedto anotherperson,and for t'what might havebeen." RqfloN,4LIZING VtorcNcr Samantha'snaturalgrief softenedher feelingstoward Harry taking the edge off her well-justified fear of him. She begana process,

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, So I told him he could comeover to seeme for ten minutes" that?sit, and then he'd haveto leave.He saidokay. \il[hen Samanthaagreedto talk to Harry despitethe restrainingorder,shegavehim the message that shereallydidn't careaboutthe order.Shewasvirtually givinghi* permissionto resumehis pursuit. It is alwayshard to remain firm in the faceof a contrite,hurtirg former lover, but no matter how apologetic Harry may have sounded, Samanthanevershould havelost sightof the essentialfactthat he was still the sameman who had hit her-nothing had changed. Samanthawas being carelessby agreeingto talk to Harry but once she had made that decision,she should neverhaveagreedto meethim in private, aloneat her mother's,where shewasvulnerable and unprotected. Samantha We startedtalkingand he seemedfine.He told me how bad he felt about what had happenedand how sonryhe wasand he wantedme to comebackto him. He wantedus to haveour baby togetherand be a family.I tried to be gentle,but I told him it was too late,that I could nevertrust him again.I could neverfeel safe.He tried to persuademe that I could,and when it didn't work he becamemore and more frustrateduntil he startedscreamirgat me.At thatpoint I wasgettingpretty scared,so I told him his ten minuteswereup and he should leavelike he promised.But when I openedthe door he refusedto go, so I pushedhim out. And when I tried to close the door, he went nuts and draggedme into the hall. Then I startedto screamand hejust heavedme down the stairs.The next thing I knew I wasin an ambulancewith this incredible pain all over.Later that night I lost the bubf I'll neverforgive myselffor being so stupid. In an instant,Samantha's life had turned into a nightmare.In addition to her miscarriage,she su{fereda concussion,two cracked ribs, and internal bleedingthat almost cost her her own life. She

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some?extremelyintelligentarchitectnamed Grant for a little more than a yearwhen shehad decidedto end the relationship.All Rachel told Ellie was that shehad gottentired of Grant's"moodiness."But Grant had not beenwilling to give up. The duy Rachelhad moved out, Grant mounted a campaigrto win her back.Every duy he had senther flowers,or candy,or a passionateloveletter.He had left notes on her car-even when shewasnot at one of her usualhaunts,which indicatedthat he wasfollowingher.Rachelhad respondedto his pursuit by ignorirg him and throwing awayhis gifts.Shehad found it extremelyannrying, but she believedthat he would eventuallytire of beingrejectedand giveup. Shehad seenno reasonto be afraidofhim. Ellie Then one duy he showedup at my houseand beggedme to help him. He seemedso sadand so in love . . . ?rd I'd always thought he wasa nice guy,certainlya lot nicer than someof the otherjerks Rachelhad goneout with . . . ?rrdall he wantedwas a chanceto talk to her. I told him shewasreally pissedoffby the factthathe wouldn't leaveher alone,and he sworeto me that if I could get her to talk to himjust one more time,if it didn't work out he'd go awayand neverbother her again.I figured,what harm could it do? So I invited her over for dinnef and didn't tell her he was goingto be there. If Ellie had known the fulI extent of Grant's obsessivebehavior patterns,shewould neverhaveagreedto setup the rendezvous.But Rachelhad nevertold anyonein her family what Grantwasreallylike. Many targetsare reluctantto disclosethe full extentof a lover's obsessivebehaviorto relativesor friends. Sometargetscome from families that are not likely to give them much support or encouragementif they were to confide their personalfeelingsand experiences.Others, like Rachel,are afraid of looking foolish for putting up with behaviorthey know to be inappropriate.They may be embarrassedby their relationshipand uncomfortableabout defending it. In Rachel'scase,her reluctanceto be openwith her sisterturned out to be a fatalmistake.

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Tur DnrucrnoF DIINGNonrrNG Like Rachel,most of us have a powerful need to believethat we could neverfall in lovewith someonecapableof hurtirg us. We resist facing the possibility that we've misjudgeda lover, that we've been duped in a romanticrelationship.We like to believethat our judgment is sound,that we reallyknow the peoplewe're closeto. In addition, to someof us violence is so foreignto our nature that we can't conceiveof anyonewe've been intimate with actually assaultingus. Rachel made that mistakenassumptionwith Grant, rationalizing that he was just being his "usual melodramatic self." There is no telling whether Rachel could havedone anything to prevent Grant from making good on his threat,but she might have reduced his chancesby taking his threat seriously.She should have reported it to the police. She should have told her family and friends about his threat and his behavior,and asked them to help her avoid him. This is not to saythat Rachel was to blame for her own murder. Even if she had takenmore assertive action to protect herself,she wouldn't havebeenable to guaro,nteeher safety.But in underestimatingthe rageof her rejectedobsessivelover,shemadea very human mistakethat madeher more yulnerable-and slight differencescan sometimestip the scales betweenlife and death.

Forewarned ls Forearmed I wish I had a crystalball to help you predict whether you have anythingto fearfrom your obsessivelover,but no one can predict with absolutecertaintyhow people will behave.There are?however?certain personalitytraits, behaviors,and backgroundsthat can increasethe likelihood that a rejectedloverwill becomephysically violent.

'dlsnouasue{el aq sduinlup1noqsarualol^Jo sluarql 'lno ua{l &ruc uoryo sluoJrll luolotlr o{uru otlrro\sJossosqotral -duqc sFIl ur uoasel6e/rtsulng 'sluortlt&duo e{€tu eldoadJolol y sacuelol^Jo sluerrll 'llnser uoruuroc dlpcr3url B sl ocuololA'Suprntl ar,deql ueqlr uorlrlppu rlel{l olq radeap {uTs ol puot srosnqu loqocp "ro3ru9 'suorctd -sns puu sersnopalluuoqurn 8ur,{grsualq /q ro lurursor Surqsruprlp Lq ;eque saslndun luelorl asuaJcuTdllnttrcu uaUo-saAIlEAIJep euluo -oJ puu .aurucoJ .sourulutraqduu o{I sluEnruqs .(plcadsa-s8mp ureuaD 's1lnseruoryoocuelour6secuanbasuocJoJuoJsocnperro ra3ue 'uorldacrad Jo s3uqaa; s6resnquuu suatrq3loquorlrolslp sgl uaqA[ pu€ luaur3pnl s.resnqu uu uolsrp s3rup puu loqocp ttoplppu uI 'secuonbosuocolul)alddu ot puu saspdurr alrlcrulsep Iorluor ol &$quuT uu satucTpulIotlorlu puu s8rup esnqe ot dcuapuol aql 'asnec aqlJo ssalpre3arlnq'ssaulp IBDFoI -oqcdsd ro pc1s,(qd u $ osncluloqoclu puu 3*p raqleq/r relo sanuT] -uor otuqop oql'puuq ffi puuq oE uogo ocualop pu€ asnqg ocuqsqns

:Ioqorlu ro s3nrg '1a3rqrreql l1nussupuu arudaql'uollceforSossarlsatuarl Iorluor IIu asolo1d1a41/11u1cadsa -xe oql rapun tp,rntesdn ar,daqlueq,raecuelop of EunroserJo ural 'silell.3urqcund;oro tstrrelQo -l€d Surmorql esaql u olurl srossosqo ftotrsrqu a^uqdeurdt,IJ'sdu/ot ro 3ur4€arqJo'slq3golur Eurltra3Jo raqlo u1dpuelornra3uurlaqt possordxao^uqdutudaql 'laErulrlaql 'a8uortal lcexe ol Jo lnl Jolou alerl sJossesqoJr uela lnfl loJluoc dleurorlxe tpalcalar Euraq urc3er ol rrlrel u su l1nussuosn o1 d1a>111 uodn 'aru drqsuollular aql Suunp sla8rq rroql lTtl ot!!\ srossosqo 'uoqdecxa ou sr l-rolsrq luuosrad puu Slattl sluader dgensn d-rolslH

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Violent family background:

There are two kind of family violence-spouse abuseand child abuse.Both teacha child that violence is an effectiveway to gain power and control. Though many people comeout of violent family backgroundsdeterminednever to repeat the pattern, others come awayknowing no other way to deal with frustration.Obsessorswho grow up with violenceoften resortto violence. I want to emphasizethat theseare indicators,not forecasts.But if your obsessivelover has any of thesecharacteristics, the risk is much greater that he or she may use violenceagainstyou in responseto rejection.The more awarenessyou haveof the risk, the greateryour ability to takestepsto protect yourself.

ProtectingYourself !1'e live in a world against every conceivabledanger,but you can reduceyour chances of becoming a victim of a violent obsessorby taking advantageof whateverprotectivemeasuresare availableto you. Having worked with victims of violent crimes for many years,I am all too awareof the shortcomingsand frustrationsof our legal and law enforcementsystems..Theycan only respond after a law has beenbroken, and too often, that is too late.I call this the "if-hekills-you-give-us-a-call syndrome."However,theseinstitutions and agenciesare becomingincreasinglysensitiveto the needsofpeople who believethey are in dangerbut havenot actuallybeen attacked. If you fear for your personal safery I can't emphasizestrongly enoughhow important it is for you to contactyour local police department. Local battered woments shelters, your personal attorney and legal aid oftices are important resourcesfor anyone concerned about a violent ex-lover.They may be able to help you obtain a

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PARTTHREE

Freeing

Yourself f

rrom

Obsession

Compulsion: B I Connection TheRootof Obsessive Love

What do you meanit's not love that'smaking me do this! If it's not love"what the hell is itP -Robert I n fhatmysterious power propelsobsessiveloversto feel,think, Y V and act in ways that are so contrary to emotionalbalance, common sense,and loving behavior? Why areobsessorsso needy?Why areobsessorsso angry?Why so scared?Why areobsessors so confusedP are obsessors To answer these questionswe must begin at the beginnirg, behavioris learned. where obsessive

TheBlissfulConnection As newborns we are purely emotional beings. When our basic needs are not met-when we are hungry or tired, or cold, or

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sn ur poururSrT{daap urutuer parepuo3ua tl s8uqeagaqt tnq 6uoqcauuof, lryss5q luql ol uJnleJ Je^eu uuc ern ces.rnoc.lo 'ssoueuoJo eluls eJnJesteql ol urnl -or ol ts3uqaagEuqroJruoc esoql arnlduJer ol suruad sr(ur!{utruql sn trapuaE "ro a3e rno Jo ssalpruEag 3o ged snorosuocun ue sr ereql 'auo oft raqlou puu oM'snJo 'sollesJnoJo eprs ilud u q raqlory -lno Surqtou ocuouadxa eM'ss5q pue Surrrerc6uorlcuJsrles puu peeu 'luerull11ru tqluuuan puu Jo plrol\ leurelur eldurrs e sl osreArun rno tdlayes alsldruoc treqlour qlTA{ ssaupelJauuor lca;rad Jo alu1s u 'ssr1qarnd ecuerradxe e,v\'{[ru ruruandq pagsqus ro8unq Jo elels E Jno pu11 puu srrrJu s6Jorlloru Jno ur dlernces ploq eJe e/u. uoqllt 'r{-r3uupue elq€JesTuratuoJaq ala-ulud ur Jo telqelroJruoJun lnfl

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trust in ourselves and others to negotiate the stormy, uncharted waters of increasing separation.

WurN SrpntunoNGrrs Drtutrco Parental love is the only love where the ultimate goal is separation. Good parents try to raise their children to become confident, selfreliant, and independent. But no matter how hard some of our parents may have tried, the realities of life may still have conspired to make our normal separation process especially difficult. An illness in the family, the birth of a sibling, unavoidable parental absences due to work schedules, the death of a parent-any

of these events,

even in the context of a caring family, can disrupt thejourney from dependence to independence by makirg children feel abandoned. And if children feel abandoned, they usually lose the courage to separate,as if they had lost their safety net with their first step onto a tightrope. If the separation process can be so easily disturbed in healthy families, imagine what happens if our parents frighten us, hurt us, abuseus?or neglect us on a regular basis. Such parents sabotageour separation by damaging the self-confidence, and confidence in others, that we need to continue on the path to independence. If we grow up in an unhealthy family, in an atmosphere where our needs for respect, love, approval, and protection are generally ignored or trampled, the disconnection process is more than interrupted, it is almost certainly derailed.

TheConnection Compulsion When we suffer a setbackin the separationprocess,whateverthe reasonrwe do a psychologicalabout-face.Outwardly, we may appear to be increasingly independent, but inwardly, we feel frightened and we desperatelytry to reconnect with that nowunattainableoriginal feeling of total fulfillment and safety.For lovers,the wish to recapturethat blissfulconnectionis obsessive

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uolslnduto3uorpauuo)alp aql :uorpa{ay Jo auoysrauro) 'uorlJeuuoc InJssllq Jraql ansrnd ol arotu uala ua{l Suqlecltuoc tsruad ur eluq deqt uutll a^lp oror.u IeeJsJalol elrssesqo e{eru u€c suoqqcedxa snopueruorl oseql /q dn porrrls l8roua ptuud aql 'll turclcer ol o133mls eql uorJ ura{l rolop u€c Surtpou puu IIBIC dloH rroql pelurol dlpug err,deqa 'uosrreduoc dq luucgru3rsut satuoc -oq plrolA eql ur oslo EurqlLrolo tpuutl lu osolc oru ssoupalcouuoc arndgo s3urlae;elrsnlo tpcrlsdtu rroql leqt esuessrossosqoueq6 'ss1qgo sBuIaaJpul8yo rrarp qt$ SuucauuocarJo-uorpilqc su putl deql esnuord puopouo )qulsro oruusorll sraJloroop oql qlueuoq ees daql odoqSo ^(eraql'a3eilor aql q luudncco ^&\auu q le8rel rloql lutil {1un1ce[olu puulsrepun .duur/aql q8noql,'luaruuopuuqu puu'jruds -ep 'ssauqeuol ol elopfluu alqrssod {uo rraql sa1 roop leql pugaq luql pacurluoc eru drql '6sluerudrrsql Jo puetsq roop s,ls3rq rlelp 6roop eql uo Surpunod srlr tourq srtll aru sronol ellssosqo lns {*o 'ur 1aBol setuoceqaqs alured -sep aloru eql tspunod aqs roprerl orlJ 'ror{ olus ol setuoJ ouo ou 6rapruqpunod ot rorl Sur3ernocue adoq;o der u 6roop eql qluou lnq -oq tqEI e soosaqs 'req puTqeq Eurqcuorddu ralsuour ar{l saur3uurt oqs su dleq ro3 3ur33aq 6roop luo{ rarl uo dlprrluu{ spunod tqs lno pe{colJlesrer{ spu1; dlpu; dqtpequn uu ruo$ pp{c aql lnfl 'uru3u l"u ol dnp lxou eql lno oJnluon ol JotI a8ernoJuo pue tssalurJur{sr oJnlualJ orll luql ourruJeleptalu3rlsonursluarud JeH 'ararll sle3 oqs uoq^ eruurnsffior puu uoJtuoc spug d1pru; dqtpaq e ruor; p11tlc oql 'oruor{ {ruq sunr aqs 6peuelq3F.U'aroJaq ueas releu s6aqsaJnluoJJe uodn seruoJ eqs tqtud eql Euop araql aruos 'plro/A aql aas of spoo^ . aql q a8uiloc dddeq rerl saluol oq^ pilqc epl5 e eur8utur'uorqndtuoJ srrp;o Surpuelsropun reneq e 1aBo1

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face.Whether they are rejectedoutright or simply frustratedbecausetheir needsare too insatiableto be satisfied,obsessive lovers are forced to relive the pain, fear,and desperationof childhood all over again. The connectioncompulsionis invariablya reactionagainstthese demoralizingchildhood feelings.This is not to saythat everychild who experiencesrejectionwill grow up to be an obsessivelover. Human behavioris not all that clear-cut.Peoplearenot simplyjigsaw puzzleswhere all the piecesfit neatly into place.Our behavior in adult romanticrelationshipsis aflectedby manyotherfactors,the most importantof which are: geneticallydeterminedpersonalirytraits biochemicalimbalancesthat a{fectmood or temperament relationshipswith siblings relationshipswith childhoodpeers youthful romanticexperiences Ary of thesefactorscan be influential in shapingour approach to adult love. Recent researchhas shown that genetic makeup stronglyinfluencesour basicpersonalirystyle.Imbalancesin our body's chemistrycan makeus depressedor overlymoody.Sibling or peer relationshipscan make us belligerent,jealous, or withdrawn.And failedyouthful romancescan scarus at a time when our self-imageis extremelyvulnerable. But for most of us?our parents'behaviorconstitutesthe primary classroomfrom which we eventuallygraduateinto romantic relationshipr.From our parentswe learnhow men andwomenare supposedto interact.The way in which our parentstreateachother is the modelfor how we usuallycometo treatour own partnersin love relationships,and for how we expect to be treatedby them in return. The way in which our parentstreatus forms the basisfor our understandingof love.

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Nora, like many children in her situation?reactedto the death of her parent as if shehad beenrejected.Children alsooften reactthat way to divorceor to unavoidableparentalabsences. Parentsneednot overtlyrejectchildren in order for children to experiencerejection. Even the most benign parent can makechildrenfeel rejectedat one time or another,merelyby sendingthem to their room to be disciplinedor by beingtoo busy to pay attentionto them.Rejection can be a highly subjectiveexperience.The k y to preventingthis kind of subjectiverejectionfrom developinginto a connectioncompulsion is to comfort and reassurechildren, to make it clear that they areloved and that no rejectionis intended. The majoriry of childrenwho grow up to becomeobsessorscome from famfies in which theyfrequently feel unloved, unwanted, ignored,or abandonedby their parents.Such continualfeelingsof rejection make children understandublydesperatefor love, but thry know only one sourceto look to-their rejectingparent. The more they try to reconnectwith parentallove, the more they're rejected. The morethey?rerejected,the more desperate theybecome.And the moretheir desperateconnectioncompulsiongrows,the more likely it is to staywith them asthev enteradulthood.

"l WoutoHnvrDorurArurrrurNG TO Grr MV FEnIen BACK,, Margaret'sobsessionwith Phil was in many ways a replay of her childhood compulsionto connectwith her hther during and following his divorce from her mother. Margaretwas the red-haired paralegalwho showed up unannouncedat her policeman lover Phil's houseand found him with anotherwoman. Margaret My fatherleft my mother when I wasseven.It turned out he left for someother woman,but at the time nobody would tell me that. I couldn't understandwhy he left me. I thought I must havedone somethittgto drive him away,but I couldn't figure out what it was.Ijust knew he didn't love me anyrnore.

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Connection Complusion: TheRootof Obsessive Love | 179 dependenton the actualloss of a parent.They can be everybit as intenseif the child feelsemotionalfuabandoned. Anne, for example,had an intact family,but she grew up hurdenedbyjust as much unfinishedemotionalbusinessas Margaret did. Anne is the hairdresserwho threatenedsuicide and shattered all the glassin her apartmentwhen her lover,John,tried to end their relationship.When she first came to see me she describedher childhood ashappy and loving. But when we startedto exploreher memories,she realizedthat her parentswere so preoccupiedwith her older brother that they rarelyhad time for her. Anne My older brother was the goldenboy. Everythinghe did wasperfect.Everybodyreallyloved him, includirg me. But when I was about eight or nine-he was sevenyearsoldersomethinghappenedand all of a suddenhe was fighting with my parentsa lot, and they were alwaystaking him off to doctors,and he startedhavingtrouble at schooland even with the police. It wasn't until later that I realizedhe'd gotten into drugs,but what it meantto me was that I felt like I didn't evenexist and I couldn't figure out why. I was always going ttYoohoo! I'm over here,"but no one seemedto care. Theyjust neverhad time for me anymore.I felt like they'd stoppedloving me andjust decidedto ignoreme. I hatedit. Anne's parentsmay havebeenloving and well-intentioned,but in their preoccupation,they emotionallyshortchangedtheir daughter. The householdturmoil brought on by her brother madeAnne feel rejectedbecauseher needsfor emotionalsupport and encouragementwere going largelyunmet. As a child, Anne couldn't understandthat life eventshad taken her parentsawry from her; she only knew that she was being ignored,and it hurt. The humiliatingmessageAnne got was that her parentsfound her unimportant,and shetranslatedthis to meanunwanted.Sheneededthe love and attentionthat all childrendeserve.

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Prrn RepcttoN Almost all children who havebeenrejectedby their parentsexperiencecontinuing,debilitatingfeelingsof humiliation. Such feelings invariablydistort a child's personality,aflectinghis or her ability to makefriends.Robert was a prime example. Rohert I had a reallyhard time at school.I was so shy and selfconsciousthat peopleusedto call me Mouse.I hatedthat, but I neversaid anything.Everytime I sawsomeonelaughirg, I thought they werelaughingat me. Especiallythe girls. I just waited for eachday to be over. The rejection Robert felt from his peers added an additional load of rejectionto the one he wasalreadycarrying,further damaging his senseof self-worth.As a result, he becameshy and withdrawn. It is all too commonfor childrenwho arerejectedat home to becomevictims of peer rejectionat school or at play.Many become afraid to interactwith other children becausethey anticipatebeing belittledor madethe butt of cruelpranks.Othersbecomeso moody that they havetrouble attractingfriends and are often madefun of becausethey cry easily.Still othersattempt to compensatefor their feelingsofinadequacybybecomirg bullies or takingfoolishrisks to get attention. Peerridicule or ostracismaddsinsult to the irjrry ofparentalrejection, further fuelingthe child's compulsionto reconnectwith the love his or her parenthasbeenwithholding.

C,qnnrNGoN THESrnuc GLE: Tnr SvtvtsoLrcPARENT Children struggleagainstrejectionin a number of ways.Sincechildren aregenerallydiscouragedfrom verballyexpressingtheir distress,

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In turnitg a lover into a symbolic parent, obsessorsare not recycling normal childhood romantic fantasiesabout mommy or daddy as much as they are resurrectirg a childhood tragedy. Their relationship becomes a theater in which they mount an old, depressing play with a new, exciting actor. And the sole purpose of this new production is to give the old play a new ending-ahuppy one.

FntwuenEvrNrs,FnmuenFrrurucs When Margaretfirst told me the story about her father'sabrupt departure,sheresisted*y suggestionthat shewasusingPhil asa symbolic father.But then I pointed out the striking parallelsbetween the two men: Her father left without warnirg. Phil left without warnirg. Her father left for another woman. Phil left for another woman. Her father's sporadic phone calls kept her hopes alive. Phil's sporadic sexual interest kept her hopes alive. Her father showed little interest in maintaining a close relationship after he left. Phil showed little interest in maintaining a close relationship after he left.

Phil was inadvertentlypushing emotionalbuttons that switched on the samedesperationand longing in Margaretthat shefelt when she'dbeenrejectedby her father.Shewas terrified that Phil would abandonherjust asher fatherhad, and shewas equallyterrifiedof havingto relivethe samefeelings.So sherefusedto acceptPhil's rejection,just asshehad refusedto accepther father's. As a little,girl, therewas nothing Margaretcould do to pursue her father,but now?with Phil, shehad an opportunity to overcome her earlierfeelingsof helplessness. Insteadof beingpassive,as she wasforcedto be as i child, sheactivelystruggledto defeatPhil's attemptsto rejecther. She unconsciouslybelievedthat if she could

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the eventsof his childhood were not reflectedin Karen'sbehavior, his emotionalreactionwasclearlya reenactment. Who but a toddler becomesterrified when a parent disappearsbehind a bathroom doorP Who but a toddler becomesenragedwhen that parent doesn'topen that door? When Karen ultimatelyrejectedRay,she told him to leave-an experiencethat had no literal parallelsin his childhood. Nonetheless,Karen'saction made Ray experience? once again,the frustration and rageover being made to feel that he wasn't good enough, overbeingmadeto feelthat no one loved him. He railed againstthe samedeprivationand abandonment.He felt the samedesperation to win Karen back that he had as a child to win his mother's approval. Despite the differencebetweeneuenfsin his relationshipswith his mother and with Karen, Ruy was flooded with the sameold childh oodfeelingsof rejection.By turning Karen into his symbolic mother,he was back in the struggle.

How C,qru n^Snr Br,n H* Just as parallel eventsare not required to turn a lover into a symbolic parent, neither are physical parallels.Though many of my clientsobject that their lovers don't look like, act like, talk like, or otherwiseremi"d them of their parents,such externalqualitiesare irrelevant. Robert's caseis a particularlypoignant-though not unusualexample. Rohert When I wasaboutfourteen,mI dad had an afhir and ultimatelyleft my mother.It was horrible. I just-the feeling that he can't leaae,hejust can't leaae,hejust can't leaae,kept going over and over in my mind. Therehas to bea wry I can controlthis.I reallybelievedthat our whole life was going to fall apart and therewasno choicebut for me to find a way to stop him. At onepoint I rememberhiding in the back of his

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ents have in common: the mysteriousability to reawakenthe powerful connectioncompulsion that lies deep inside their obsessive lover.

TheRoofsof the SaviorComplex loversbecauseof their needfor Saviorsareunique amongobsessive a distinct type of target to play out their obsessivedrama. Their needto rescuea deeplytroubled loveris rooted,almostwithout exception,in a specifictype of childhood struggle. Saviorsusuallycome from homeswhere at leastone parentwas either alcoholic, addicted to drugs, chronically ilI, severelydepressed,or physically or mentally incapacitated.Becauseof the enormity of their probleffis,theseparentstypicallyhad very few resourcesavailablefor meeting either their children's or their own emotionalneeds.As a result,their children had a chronic senseof deprivation,and aswe'veseenthroughoutthis chapter,childreninvariablyexperienceemotionaldeprivationas rejection. The childhood rejection experiencesof Saviors are compounded by the bewilderirg role reversalthat often occurs.Children attempt to overcometheir senseof rejectionby taking on the responsibilitiesthat the parent neglects,hopirg to win their parent?sapproval.The children essentiallyassumethe role ofparent to their own parent. Another, similarform of role reversalsometimesoccursin families broken apartby divorce?death,or abandonmentwhere the remaining parent turns the child into a surrogatepartner. The child becomesweigheddown by the responsibilityfor makirg that parent huppy,a hearryenoughburden for an adult, let alonea vulnerable young child. All thesechildrenbecomepreoccupiedwith succeedingin their reversedroles,becomirg caretakersboth asa meansof suryivaland as a way of strugglingagainstrejection. As adults,they reenacttheir struggleby trying to savetheir symbolic parents.They continuewith their lover the caretakingbehavior

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absorbed most of her mother's emotional energy,Her father, of course?wasin no shapeto offer any emotionalsupport. Though Natalie felt important becauseof her responsibilities, she also felt lonely and unloved.The more deprived she felt, the harder shetried to overcomeher feelingsof rejectionby makingher father well. If she could makehim better,life would be good for all of them and sheknew he would love her for it. Natalie was pla)rng a game in which the cards were stacked againsther.Not only was she taking on adult responsibilitiesat an age when she wasn't prepared to handle them, but she was attempting to do the impossiblein trying to 66fix"an adult who was unwillirg to help himself.Nataliewas destinedto lose. Natalie'sinability to resolveher father'sproblemsresultedin a deep senseof guilt over havingfailed.And, as is almostalwaysthe case?shecarriedthis childhood guilt into her adult life. Yearslater,when she ran out of money to help Rick and he accused her of not caring enough,h. tapped into this rich vein of guilt. Rick's accusationsfelt like rejectionto her, and shedealtwith thosefeelingsjustasshehad in her childhood,by trying harder,doirg more?and making additionalsacrifices.

"WHYDo I PrcrcLovrns WITHSO MNIVYPROBLEMS?" As I workedwith Natalie,I learnedthat Rick was not the first troubled lover she had felt compelledto rescue.Her ex-husbandhad beenan alcoholic.And a man shealmostmarriedin collegehad sufferedfrom bouts of manic-depressive illness.As shethought about other past relationships,shebeganto recognizea patternof being drawn to men who neededa lot of repair work. Kirk was drawn to troubledlovers,too. Kirk is the recoveringalcoholicwhosesubstance-abusing lover,Loretta,repeatedlyleft him only to reappearwhen sheneededmoney or a placeto stay.His experiencewith Loretta reflecteda pattern that ran throughalmostall of his relationshipsand,like Natalie,h. discoveredthat this pattern wasrootedin his childhood.

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:: Connection Complusion: The Rootof Obsessive Love I l gl all, to finally win a symbolicvictory overhis mother'sunintentional yet painful rejection. : BeforeLoretta, Kirk had fought this samebattle in other relationshipr.

Kirh Loretta was hardly the first. I had already gone through three women? or three women had gone through me, depending on how you want to look at it. It was always the same thing-total losers. I'y. managed to stay out of institutions andjails, and I haven't killed myself, and I've even cleaned rp my act in the program. But I can't seem to stop repeatitg this idea of gettirg involved with women who choose to be completely self-destructive. And now it's Loretta. I know she's inappropriate to ffie, for me, and about ffie: but I can'tjust give up on her. In his relationships, Kirk was symbolically tryng to save his mother. He unconsciously believed that ifhe could overcome his partner's probleils, he could overcome the senseof helplessnesshe felt as a child when he struggled to prevent his mother from slipping away. Saviors, like Kirk and Natalie? come to believe as children that their parent's problems are standing between them and the love they need. As adults, in order to reenact their struggle to overcome their parent's personal probleffis, they become attracted to partners with personal problems. No other kind of lover can fulfilI the requirements to be a Savior's symbolic parent. But despite their singular way of replaFng the struggle, Saviors are still motivated by the samepain ofrejection that motivates all obsessive lovers. They are gripped by the same connection compulsion.

TheNeedfo, High Drama Obsessivelovers who come from turbulent households-as so many do-learn to associatelove with "high drama."When I use

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Why Only OneMagicPerson? The power of the drive to reenactchildhood strugglesgivesobsessiveloverspsychologicaltunnelvision.Becausetheir loverbecomes they cannot a symbolicparent,and parentsarenot interchangeable, see arryalternativeto their choice of a partner. Margaretwas convincedthat her emotionalsurvival depended on reconnectingwith Phil and only Phil. Even after the humiliating shock of findirg him with another woman?Margaret could not bring herselfto givehim up. Margaret I felt like I was hanging on to a cliffby *y fingernails. How could I let go? I either held on to Phil or I fell. When a member of Margaret?stherapy group askedwhy she didn't try dating someonenew?Margaret said she couldntt even consider the possiblity.I wasn't surprised.After all, Phil had becomeher symbolicparent.Margaretcould no more conceiveof replacing Phil than she could have, twenty-sevenyears earlier, conceivedof replacirg her father. If you have turned your targetinto a substitutefor a rejecting parent: /ou are still waging a desperatecampaigr to overcome childhood rejection.Like that little girl in the woods,still poundirg at her parents'door,your life hasbeendominatedby your battle to recapturethe one and only blissful,ideal loveyou've alwaysso desperatelycraved.But in your effortsto fill your inner emptiness? you havebecomethe prisoner of your own connectioncompulsion. Let me assureyou that you can freeyourself.And in the chapters that follow, I'm going to show you how.

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enough to wake you to the need for change, and this awakenirg gives you an opportunity to take steps to free yourself.

A HealingJourney Obsession is a treatablb condition. It doesn't matter whether you can't stop mournirg a relationship that has ended, you're still in active pursuit of a lover who doesn't want lou, or you're trying to save a relationship that you now suspect is being ruined by your obsession. Though the healing path is not an easy one?I promise that if you are willing to follow it with ffi€, your pain will recede and your life will begin to calm down. \ fe are about to embark on an importantjourney together, ajourney to break old patterns and exorcise old ghosts. Along the way, I will guide you through a series of specific exercisesand techniques to help you rid yourself of-or, at the very least, gain some control of-your obsession. On the first leg of thisjourney we will isolate and identifr your obsessivethoughts, feelings, and behaviors?so you can see how they interact. Then we can move on to work on actually controllirg them. Once th"y are substantially under control, we will confront some of your childhood issuesto begin to root out obsessionat its source.And finally, we will explore new ways to live and love without obsession. Of course, all this takes time, strength, courage, decisiveness?and stick-to-ihvenessif you are to defeat the demons of obsessivelove. But these exercises and techniques have worked for my clients. I know they can work for you, too.

BeroneWr Grr Srenrco I'm often askedwhether the treatmentsectionsin my books can be used without professionalhelp. Certainlyyou can learn the behavioral and communicationstrategieson your own. For many of you, this canbe enoughto help you overcomeyour obsessive tendencies. But if you are also struggling with problems like recurrent

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ifhe or sherejectedyou, you werein hell. This sort of misplacedresponsibilityis unfair to your lover and it's unfair to you. In focusing on yourself,you're going to begin to take responsibiliryfor your psychologicalhealthback into your own handswhereit belongs. Don't worry that you will becometoo preoccupiedwith yourself. This is one time when it's going to pay to be obsessive. I want you to becomeobsessedwith finding your misplaceddignity,your confidence?your self-worth,and your ability to love in a healthy,nourishing way. Again,pleasedon't go into theseexercisesunder the misconception that you are doitg them for the pulpose of winning your lover back.If your lover comesback afteryou've made somechangesin your own life, terrific. If not, the work you will have done will enableyou to be at peacewith yourself,either with a new lover in a very differentway or without a lover at all. The most importantvictory for you is the rediscoveryof yourself.

EnsyDorslr For thefirst two weeksofyour healingprocessI'm not goingto askyou to stop seeingyour lover or to evenstop thinking abouthim or her.In fact,I'm not evengoing to askyou to stop actingin obsessive ways. I know how frightening it may be for you to contemplateletting go of your obsession.You may be afraid that if you give up obsession, you will be givirg up love itself,Obsessionand love havebecome so intertwined in the minds of most obsessorsthat they cannot imagine one without the other. So we're going to avoid jumping into this work all at once. Instead,we're going to enter thesewatersslowly,carefullSand relativelypainlessly.

LoggingYourObsession Beforeyou can begin the actualwork of freeirg yourselffrom the thoughts,feelings,and behaviorsof obsessivelove, you've got to beconieawareof exactlv what thev are and how thev have been

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5.WHATDID I DOP o.WHATWASTHE RESULTP It doesn't matter whether your answerto a questionfills several pagesor half a line. The importantthirg is thatyou log your thoughts, feelings,and behaviorsso that later you can recallthem clearly, Somepeople carryarounda notebookall the timeandmakeentries as they go. Others sit down for a half hour everyeveningand fill in their log either from memory or from little notesthat they've been scribblingall duy No matterhow you do it, be diligentand consistent. To rnanypeople,keepinga log soundslike a lot of work, especiallyifyou areso preoccupiedwith your lover thatyou think you'll be filling volumes.Also, it's hard'to find the energyto do something like this if you're depressedand don't feel like doing anythingbut crawlinginto bed and pulling the coversover your head. But keepingyour log will maheyufeel better.Ifyou want to get rut, you'vegot to be willing to makethis your life out ofits obsessive e{fort on your own behalf.

Youn Loc QursroNs UruprnsTlANDtNG Eachof your log questionsrefersto a differentaspectof obsession and its effect on your life. Becausetheseaspectsare so interconnected,they havea tendencyto becomeconfusedwith one another. In using your log, you will learn to differentiatethe thoughts,feelings,and behaviorsof obsession.This differentiationwill help you gain the clear understandingyou need to begin to get your obsessivepatternsunder control. Here'swhat you needto keepin mind when you answeryour log questions: 1. WHAT CAUSED THE THOUGHTSP To answerthis questionyou must becomeawareof your individual tttriggers"-those specificsights,sounds,smells,tastes,sensations? places,and thingsthatprompt thoughtsofyour target.A triggercould

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SettingYourCourse | 201 sultsfrom thoughtsor feelingsaboutyour lover.That could consist of eating a gallon of ice cream or drivirg by his or her house or watchitg a romantic movie or burying yourself in work or simply staringat the walls.You shouldwrite down whateveryour obsessive thoughtsand feelingsprompt you to do. 6. WHAT WAS THE RESUITP This answershould havemore than one part. If you haveany contact with your target,thereis your target'sreaction.Did your target hang up on you? start crying? call the police? Then there is any physicaloutcome:a smashedcar,)ahangover? a neglectedjob.And finally,there are the feelingsyou areleft with as a result of what you did: sadness,humiliation,relief,rage-whateveris true for you. Behavior alwayshasphysicaland emotionalconsequences, and I want you to focuson both.

Aw lrponrqNT DlsnrucTloN Almost all my clientsget confusedwhen they first try to fill in their log questionsbecausethey,like most of us, sometimeshavea hard time distinguishingbetweenthoughtsand feelings. Thoughts and feelingsare so closelyinterwoven in our consciousnessthat the differencebetweenthem is often muddy. But there is a simpleway to tell them apart.This may sound like merely an intellectual exercise,but-as anyonewho has read my other books already knows-I consider the relationship between thoughtsand feelingsto be a centralfactorin changingbehavior. Most of us makethe common mistakeof expressingthoughts as if they were feelings.We constantlysay things like "I felt the movie was too long." But there is no such feeling as ttThe movie was too long." That is a thought. Th efeelingsthe film goer is tryitg to expressare probably restlessness? boredoffir or disappointment. Thoughts, unlike feelings,are generallyexpressedin complete sentences. They embodyideas? perceptions,and opinions.To clarifr

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SettingYourCourse | 203 glect their personalneeds.Obsessors who turn to passivebehaviors invariablywithdraw into depression. You might not think thesepassivebehaviorsare behaviorsat all, but let me assureyou that they are.Staringat the walls is asmuch a behavior asincessantcalling. Both are specificreactionsto obsessive thoughts and feelings,and they can be equally damagirg to your emotionalhealth. If you tend to be a passiveobsessor? don't overlookwhat you actually did, even if that meanswriting r "I slept all day." You'll discover that as you begin to really focus on your passivebehaviors, they will becomeclearerto you and your log work will becomeeasier with eachentry.

SomeSampleLogs Most of my clientsareinitially dauntedby the idea of keepirg a log, especiallybeforethey makethat ice-breakingfirst entry.Nora was a prime example. Nora I hatedwriting ir high schooland I don't like it any better now.I work too hard all day to do homework.I'm depressed, I'm exhausted.By the time I gethome I just want to collapse. I don't havethe energyfor this shit. Nora cameinto therapy,as manypeople do, hoping I had some sort of magicwand to makeher feelbetter.But the truth is, no one can dealwith major personalproblemsin an hour or two a week. Evenif I could haveseenher everyduy,shestill had a wholelife outside of therapy.If Nora wanted anythingto change,shehad to begin integratingthe things we weredoing in therapyinto her life. I wasn't suryrised that she felt too exhaustedto work on her log-she was pouring an enormousamount of energyinto her preoccupationwith Tiom.But I promisedher that if shewouldjust give

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SettingYourCourse | 205 WHAT DID I DOP ateice creamfor breakfast WHAT WAS THE RESUIJT?I thought abouthim all morning-even afterI got to work You may notice a significantdifferencebetweenthe first two entries and the third. The first two referredspecificallyto incidents: the phonecall that raisedher expectationsand the call shemadeas a result.The third entry wasa much more generalone,referringto a period of time during which shewasflooded by so manydifferent thoughtsabout her former lover that it was impossiblefor her to be specificaboutthem. Nora told me she felt bad about answeringthe question"What causedthe thoughts?" with "once I started thinking about him I couldn't stop" becauseshethought that shehadn't reallyanswered the questionright. I told her what I tell all my clients:there is no right or wrong. Don't let this log makeyou anxious,no one'sgoing to gradeyou on it.

!ryrc Dorsru'rCouNr Nora's writing sfyle was spare. Ruy, the movie cameraman?tended to write longer entries. Despite his busy work schedule, Ruy looked forward to writing his log becausehe knew he was doing somethirg to fight the obsessive tendencies that were sabotaging his relationship with Karen. When Ruy and Karen came in for their consultation, they had been living apart for two weeks. Although they wanted to go into couples therapy, I preferred to work with Ruy alone for a few months becausehe was the one whose obsessivepatterns were out of control. At the same time, I referred Karen to a women's support group where the focus was on learning to set limits, to communicate clearly,and to be assertive. I assured them that couples therapy would be much more constructive after th.y took some time apart to deal with some of their individual issues.They both agreed and set to work. Ruy was highly motivated and soon began his log. Here is an example of one of his entries:

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SettingYourCourse | 207 Ruy was still spendirg time with Karen.This meantthat, unlike Nora, Ruy had entriesto makebasedon his interactionswith his lover.Here is an examole: L

THURSDAY? evening WHAT CAUSED THE THOUGHTSP We'regoingout for dinner. I've beenthinking about it sinceI wokeup. WHAT DID I THINK? I'm worried aboutwhat kind of mood she'sgoingto be in. I spentabout 20 minutesjust picking a shirt, I'm so worried about how I'm going to look. When we went out I kept thinking shewaslooking at this other guy in the restaurant.EverythingI saidwasjust small talk,I reallyjust wantedto askher if shewasgoing to come homewith me afterdinner or not, but I didn't becausewhen I put pressureon her shegetsmad.I wasn'tsurehow to act becausenow that we'reboth in therapyI'm not surewhat the rules are anymore.Sheseemedlike shedidn't evenwant to be there.After dinner shemademe takeher home and I couldn't stop thinking that shedidn't want to sleepwith me anymorebecauseshedidn't love me anymore. HOW DID I FEEL? I feel reallyneryousand uncomfortablebecausethingsare changingand I'm not sureit's for the better.I feel scaredthat I'm losing her and I feellike a wimp becauseI can't seemto do anythingaboutit. When shewouldn't comehome with ffi€: I felt rejected and horny. WHAT DID I WANT TO DO? I wantedto talkher into cominghomewith me. WHAT DID I DOP I tried to talk her into cominghome with me. WHAT WAS THE RESULT? Shegot mad and I felt like an idiot. You may havenoticed that Ruy took an entireeveningand boiled it down to one entry (againstartingthe entry at one time and completingit at another).Nora?on the other hand, took a singleincident

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10 | Pismontlingthe Obsessive System

is only one way to escape the pain of obsessivelove: shut T1here I down the ttobsessivesystem." This system has three components-obsessive thoughts, obsessivefeelings,and obsessivebehaviors. These three components feed on and nourish one another and, like the cogs of a machine, if you slow down any one?the others will inevitably follow suit. The interconnected, interdependent parts of the obsessivesystem affect each other in a predictable and repetitive way.

Thoughts create feelings which Lead to behaviors which Thigg"r more thoughts which Start the cycle all over again.

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Dismantling theObsessive System |

211

somethirg courageous:taketime out from your obsessive behaviors and thoughts. This is what I call an "emotional vacationr"a time awayfrom your lover and/or your pursuit tactics.Durirg this time you will focus on yourself,learn sometechniquesto control your obsessivepatterns,and gain somerealisticperspectiveon your sit' uation. If you're in a relationship,I know it soundsfrightening to take time off from your lover-which is why I'm askingyou to do it for only two weeks.I'm alsogoing to giveyou a lot of constructiveemotional and cognitivework to help you to find the strength for this and to fill the emptinessthat you will probably feel. Don't expect yourself to make deep, dramatic changesin your life in only two weeks. Simply by interrupting your selfdefeatirg patterns you will begin a chain of small, progressive changesthat can ultimately lead you out of the destructivemaze of obsession.

B:JTTt-tAr!" " ANYTHING For my obsessiveclients,the idea of givingup a lover,or the pursuit of a former lover,evenfor a short time, seemsinconceivable.It's as if they were being askedto give up breathing. I'm reminded of an alcoholic who cameto me for help many years ago bemoaningthe fact that his wife had left him, his children had cut off contact,he had been fired from his job, hr had gone through his life savings,and his liver was shot. When I told him the first thing he had to do was stop drinking, his response was 'Anythirg but that"-anything but the thing he most needed to do. tAnythitg but that." I've heard this answerechoedby hundreds of obsessiveloversover the yearswhen I've askedthem to takean emotionalvacation. When Margaretcontemplatedtwo weekswithout hearing her lover'svoice,without seeinghis face,without knowirg what he was doing, she panicked.Margaret is the woman whose relationship with her lover Phil had deterioratedinto a purely sexualone.

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wagon. You can't help Loretta until she's ready to help 'llou herself. have to take responsibility for yourself and you have to let Loretta do the same thing. It's as simple as that.

Kirh But I can't. Susan I don't see how I can help you until you do. Kirk was astounded by the finality ofmy statement. As Saviors always do, he was hoping I could make him feel better while at the same time giving him permission to keep on rescuing. But I was not willing to collude in his and Loretta's mutually destructive behavior. If he wanted to feel better, he had to start breaking the patterns that were making him feel so bad. And chief among them was the hct that he was shacklirg himself with Loretta's problems-problems that were impossible for him to solve. Kirk understood what I was saying. He had been hearing the same messageseveral times a week in his AA meetings. But in real life, an understanding of the truth does not always make appropriate action any easier. Kirk only agreed to take his emotional vacation after he found a way to get Loretta out of his life for the allotted time without relinquishing his feelings of responsibility for her. His compromise solution was to persuade Loretta to visit her mother for two weeks. Though he was not yet ready to stop being a caretaker,this solution at least freed him to begin his vacation, and at this early stageof our work, that was all he needed to do.

PlqrururNc Youn ErvortoNAlVnc,qnoN The arrangements you haveto makefor an emotionalvacationwill vary accordirg to how much or how little contact you havewith your lover or former lover. If you're currently living with (ot married to) your lover, it's

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Dismantling the Obsessive System| 215 tion, don't let it undermine your determination.If your lover attemptsto talkyou out of doing this,assuringyou that the two ofyou canwork out your problemstogether,you must hold firm. You must do this work on yourself,for yourself,and by yourself. There aresomesituationswherea two-weekphysicalseparation is simply not possible-there may be children involved,theremay be financialconstraints,there may be medical complications.If a separationis genuinelyout of the questior, the work we'regoing to do in this chapter c&n still be e{fective.But it will be considerably more difficult and takeconsiderablymore time. It is extremelyhard to disentangleyourself psychologicallyfrom an obsessivebond when you are still physicallyconnected.Where you need clarity, you find confusion.The physicalpresenceof the targetfeedsthe obsessionat the sametime that you're trying to starveit. If you can't separatephysically,it's almost mandatorythat you get professionalsupport to overcomethe obstacleof your lover's presence.But consider your situation carefully to make sure that not of excuses. you truly are a captiveof circumstances, Of course,if, as in so many of the caseshere,your targethas already told you he or she doesn'twant to seeyou anymoreor has simply disappeared,you havea headstart-you don't haveto figure out a way to tell him or her aboutyour plans for a two-weekhiatus. But the fact that you alreadyhavea physical separationfrom your lover doesnot meanyou havea psychologicalseparation.You still needto takean emotionalvacationto cool down the overheatedmachineryof your obsessivesystem.

Jammingthe FirstCog: Behavior Though you can'tjust will your obsessivethoughts away)you c&n usewillpower to takea breakfrom obsessivebehaviors.In this way you can give yourself the emotionalbreathirg spaceyou need to work on controlling your thoughtsand feelings. I'm a strongbelieverin startingwith behaviorbecauseit is external,

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Tur OnsrssoR's Fntucy: "l CAN'r HrLp MysELF" Your obsessivebehaviorisn't really out of your control, itjust feels that way.The beliefthat you can't help yourselfis a seductiveform of denial that hasallowedyou to avoid takingpersonalresponsibility for your actions.But in the process,this beliefhas cost you selfesteem,huppiness,dignity,and perhapsthe possibility of a healthy relationship.The k y to controlling your obsessivebehavioris to recognizethat it is not somethirg that happensto lou, it is something you have ch,osen. The concept of obsessivebehavioras a choiceis hard for many obsessors to accept.Most of my clientsdescribetheir obsessive behavior in terms like these: "Before I knew it I had alreadydone it." "I felt like I waswatchingsomeoneelse." "I tried to stop myselfbut I couldn't." t'somethingjusttook control of me." "There was nothing I could do about it." The generalthemeof thesestatementsis that the obsessorshave no choice, that they act purely on impulse,as if they were in some sort of alteredstate.But obsessive behaviorfor the most part is not impulsive.When someonegetsangry and smashesa plate without thinking, that's impulsive.When someoneon a restricteddiet reflexivelygrabsa cookieoffa desserttray and eatsit, that'simpulsive. Impulsive action is sudden,with little or no thought betweenthe impulseand the action. Most obsessive behavior,on the other hand, is the end product of lengthy rumination. What may start out as an impulse usually getsboggeddown in obsessivepreoccupationbeforeit emergesas an action.This is a crucialdistinction,becauseif you think about

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How to ChangeYourBehavior When you becomeawarethat you havechoicesyou begin to wrest control of your behaviorfrom your obsessivesystem.To help you continue this progress,I'm going to show you how to interrupt manyofyour obsessive behaviorpatterns.Ifyou usethesestrategies everyduy,they can go a long way toward putting you back in the driver'sseatof your own life.

PurnNcYounBrunwonoN Noncr Your behavioris like a difficult child-it needsto be warned that you will not tolerate any more disobedience,and it needsto be givenfirm limits so that it knows exactlyhow far it can go. Don't be afraid to read the riot act to your behavior for all the trouble it's causedyou. I want you to put your behavioron noticerjustasyou might a disobedientchild, detailingexactlywhat your frustrations, limits, and expectationsare. To do this, find a quiet time and place,disconnectyour phone for a little while, and placean empty chair in front of you. Imagine your behavioras an unruly child sitting in that chair.Imagineyourselfasthat child's loving but firm parent.The child hasbeencreatitg havoc,and you are finally at the end of your rope.What would you tell that child? I'll neverforgetthe duy I askedAnne to do this exercise.Anne is the hairdresserwho trashedher own apartmentin an attempt to keep her lover John from leaving.Later, when John broke off all contact with her, she swalloweda bottle of painkillers and then calledJohnto tell him what she'ddone.Shehopedhe would come running to saveher,but instead,hr calledthe paramedics. When I first askedAnne to talk to her behaviorshe,like many people,had trouble taking the empty chair seriously.But as shebegan to talk, she becamemore and more involved,beratingher behaviorfor what it had done to her in the past.By the time shegot to

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Dismantling the Obsessive System| 221 an on-offswitch to the wire betweenyour impulseand your behavior. Ideally,this switch would be equipped with an alarm bell that would sound everytime you had an impulse to act obsessively. Of coursethereis no such thing, but you can use visualremindersto do thejob of that bell. One of the most powerful symbolsof restraintin our culture is the simple stop sign. Most of us are programmedto stop at stop signs.We practice this on a daily basiswhen we drive. So, for the next two weeks,take advantageof this programming and surround yourself with miniature stop signs to serveas visual alarmswheneveryou feel the urge to act out in impulsive ways. My clientshave found thesestop signsvery effectivefor interrupting their obsessiveimpulses.You can draw them with red marker or crayon on self-sticknotes and put them anywhereyou might go to act out your behavior.This usuallymeansputting them on your telephones,your steeringwheel, and inside your front .llou door. might alsowant to put one on your bathroommirror, on your purse?on your refrigerator,on your pillow, and on your desk at work. For the next two weeks,everytime you seea stop sign, remind yourselfthat you havemadethe commitmentto stopyour obsessivebehaviorand think aboutwhat you are doirg right now. This maysound simplistic,but a greatdealof researchon the urrcopscious,hasshown that visual symbolsoften have a far greater impact on us than words do. Thesestop signsaregoingto help you turn your impulsesinto options,remindingyou thatyou dohavethe power to interrupt your obsessive patterns. FlwplwGAN EwonoNAL Arucruon Twelve-stepprogramslike AlcoholicsAnonymousprovide "sponsors" who are availableto memberswhen they feel the need for support and encouragement. When AA membersfeel that theytre losing the battle,their sponsoris the cavalryriding to their rescue. The sametechniquecan be extremelyeflectivein fightingobsessive love. If you have a close friend or relativewith whom you feel safe

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Dismantling the Obsessive System| 223 must tell your anchor what your obsessivebehaviorpatternshave been in the past and how you areattemptingto interrupt them duritg your emotionalvacation.Explain your concernsabout being temptedto repeatsomeof your past behaviorduring the next two weeks and ask your anchor to do whateverseemsappropriateto help you through thosemomentsof vulnerability. Nora had lots of trouble askingher bestfriend Anita for help,b.causeshewas embarrassed by how absurdher behaviorseemedin light of the fact that she'd goneout with Tom only a few times. Nora trhadn't beenreal honestwith Anita about my feelings. becauseI knew she'djust sayI wasbeing ridiculous,so it washard to askher to be my anchor.But when I finally leveledwith her, shewasn'tall that surprised.I guessshe knew what I was going throughmore than I thought shedid. But I don't know how I would havemade it through the two weekswithout her. I rememberthe first Saturdaynight I was dying to drive by andjust know wherehe was.So I called her and shetalked to me for a while, but that didn't do a lot of good,so she cameover and we watchedTV and talkedtill aboutmidnight. When shegot up to go home, sheaskedme if I wantedher to takemy car keysovernight,but I really didn't feellike I neededthat anymore.All that talk had kind of put out the fire. By spendingan eyeningwith her anchorinsteadof goingoverto Tom's, Nora was able to experiencewhat it felt like to resisther impulses.And shealso found that aftershemade the choiceto resist, the impulseactuallyfaded.Beforeher emotionalvacationNora had beenconvincedthat it wasuselessto resisther obsession. Now she could seethat shedid, indeed,havethat choice. Nora told me she was concernedthat by using her friend as a crutch, shewasnot learninghow to changeher own behavior.I assuredher that therewas nothing wrong with using a crutch during her two-weekvacation.Just as a crutch helps you through the

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Dismantling the Obsessive System | 225 lonelinessis to push yourselfto get out and spend time with other people. You might be surprisedto find that tt is possibleto havea good time without your lover if you're willirg to emergefrom the cocoon of your obsession.A lot of things can make you feel better.Give yourselfsomeflowers?head for the beach,bry yourselfsomenew clothes,Bo to the ball gamewith a pal, enroll in a class,takeup a hobby-whatever you like. Try to reconnectwith the memoriesand sensations that gaveyou pleasurebeforeyour relationshiptook over your life.

DvrnflNGYounBruewon When you find yourselfhounded by u desire to do somethirgobsessiveit is often helpful to havea strategyreadyto divert that emotional energyinto a more productiveactivity.If you makea contract with yourselfto do somephysicalexercisewhen you havean impulse to do a drive-by or to contactyour lover,you candivertmuch of your obsessivedrive into activitiesthat not only will be good for you physically,but will makeyou feelbetter emotionally. Your brain releaseschemicalscalledendorphinswhen you exert yourselfphysically.These chemicalsare part of the body's natural painkilling systemand, like many artificial painkillers, havethe effect of raisirg your spirits. But, unlike artificial painkillers,endorphins haveno down side-they makeyou feel good without side effectsand without bringirg you down when their effectswear off. Thkefiveminutes to write down all the phyqicalactivitiesyou enjoy (or at leastput up with to get exercise).These can includeanything from racquetballto aerobicsto joggirg to pumpirg iron-my personalfavorite is my tap-dancingclass.I've had severalclients who, like ffi€: had an aversionto organizedexercise,but they still erfoyed riding bicycles,taking naturehikes, or going out dancing. Anythi.g that makesyou work up a sweatwill suffice. Once you've listed your favoriteforms of exercise,makea deal with yourselfthat once a day,when you feel an impulseto do something obsessive, you will divert thatimpulseinto exercise.Insteadof

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Dismantling theObsessive System| 227 ever you can-within reason-to remove these personal triggers from your life. The triggerswetve consideredso far have been external.But some triggersare generatedfrom within us. For example,if you feel sad, that can trigger thoughtsof your lover becauseyou wish he or she were with you to comfort you. If you feel angry you may think about screamitgat your lover.If you feelsexualyearnings,you may wish he or shewere there to makelove to you. Unavoidablelife situationscanalsoact as triggers.There'snothirg like having a fight with your mother?or having the dry cleaner ruin your favoriteshirt, or havingyour boss bawl you out, to make you long for your lover's embrace. You can'tpossibly eliminateeveryexternaltrigger from your life. And you can'tavoid internal triggersanymore than you canprotect yourself againstunavoidablelife situations.But no matterhow inescapablesome triggers may be, they are only as powerful as the thoughtsthey invoke,and you can do somethingabout those.

lprrunFnNc OnsrssleTuoucHTs Before you can control your obsessivethoughts, you have to be clear aboutwhat they are.Again,your log can help you obtain this clarity.Readthrough the "What did I think?" entriesand try to separateyour obsessivethoughtsinto threebasic categories: 7. memories 2. fantasies 3. internalmonologues A memoryis any thought about the past involving your lover.It can be painful or pleasant.It canbe of anythingfrorn a particularly thrilling sexualencounterto a particularlypainful rejection. A fantasyis a mentalpicture of someplaceand time (eitherpast, present,or future) in which you imaginebeing with your lover.Obsessivefantasiesare often long imaginaryconversationswith your lover in which you get your thoughtsand feelingsoff your chest.

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Dismantling theObsessive System| 229 nothing propositions.Many of my clients think they have to fight their thoughts to the death, like mental gladiators. But thoughtstopping and -changingis much less daunting if you approachit gradually.Don't expectinstantsuccess the first time you try anyof the following exercises. They becomeincreasinglyeffectivewith practice. I .

I-esrtilvcOssEssryE TuouGHTs If your doctor tells you ice creammay causeyour arteriesto clog, you will neverlook at another dish of ice cream without thinking about its potentialdanger.Once you seeice creamdifferently,you label it differentlyin your mind. What you once enjoyedwithout worrying about consequencesbecomes forever stigmatizedas "harmful." In the sameway, labeling can help you stigmattzeyour obsessivethoughts. Once you haveidentified your obsessivethoughts,think of the label "obsessive"whenever they occur to you. When you realize you're thinking about how badly you need to hear your lover's voice,or how huppyhe could be ifhe'djust let himselfloveyou,just sayto yourselfi"This is obsessive." Now thatyou'veacceptedthe factthatyour obsessivethoughtsare working againstyou, the label ttobsessive" witl makethemlesstemptitg. They will never occur to you againwithout reminding you that they representsomethitg self-defeating. Labeli"g is a suqprisingly easyway of thro-irg cold water on your obsessivethoughts.

Ttrvr,UwmNc When I first mention the idea of stoppingobsessivethoughtsto my clients, they invariably complain that once the thought pops into their mind, they can'tjust will it away.They areusuallysurprisedto learn thatI don't expectthem to. Instead,I introducethemto tttime limiting." Time limiting is a simple techniquein which you give yourself permission,once a day,to giveyour obsessivethoughtsfreereinbut only for a specificamount of time.

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Dismantling theObsessive System | 231 When you begin having an obsessivethought, force yourselfto do somethingthat requiresyou to shift your focus. Make sure the activity is easilyavailablewhen you needit. Ifyou've takenup paintitg, keepyour easelstanding.Ifyou're into homevideo games,keep your systemhookedrp. If you're into chess,invite a friend over to play or geta chesscomputer. Whateveractivity you choose,if it forcesyou to concentrate,it will help pushyour obsessivethoughtsout of your mind. The concept is simple,but effective.

PurvrNZNG YounOssrsslyrTuoucHTS In psychology,asinjournalism, a picture can be worth a thousand words. The lasttechniqueI'm goingto giveyou to control your obsessivethoughtsis a visualizationexercisein which you aregoing to picture yourselfactuallydestroFngthosethoughts. This visualizationis a powerful way to gain somepsychological distancefrom your obsession.It will help you cometo seeyour obsessivethoughts as entities separateand distinct from yourself. Though you must acknowledgepersonalresponsibilityfor your obsessionand for keepingit alive,it is not embeddedin the core of your being.Your obsessivethoughtsarenot piecesofyou-they are your burdens? your enemies. Though this exerciseonly takesa few minutes,to minimizedistractionsyou shouldfind a quiet time and a comfortableplaceto sit. Thke a few deepbreathsto relax beforeyou start, then closeyour eyes. o o .

Pictureyour obsessivethoughtsas a huge boulder crushingyour hunched-overshoulders.Now imagine standingup straightto throw off your burden.Watchyour boulder fall to the ground with a resoundingcrash.Feelthe senseof reliefasyou stretchyour musclesand appreciate how light you feelwithout your burden. Now look at your boulder and feel the rageasyou realize how it hasbeenweighirg you down and makingyou ache.

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Dismantling theObsessive System | 233 during your two-weekvacation,but overcomingobsessionentails hard work and commitment. If you feel overloaded,feel free to stretch your vacationout for anotherweek or two to get a better handle on thesetechniques.And if you slip now and then, don't beat up on yourself.Obsessionis a powerful force, and if you can take two stepsforward for every one step back, you're still making progress.Ifyou can succeedevenslightlyin looseningthe stranglehold that obsessionhas on you, thesefew weekswill pay off for a long time to come.

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Dealingwith the TruthAboutYourRelationship| 235 your own. You'vegot a lot of thinkirg to do about the true natureof your relationship. If you arelike most obsessivelovers?takinga tough, candidlook at your relationshipis the last thing in the world you want to do becauseyou know in your heart of heartsthat this will inevitably result in somepainful revelations. Many of you havealreadylost your lover. Others are in a relationship that seemshopelessand is probably doomed. And a few of you are in a relationship that might have a chanceof survival if only you can stop the obsessivebehavior that is driving your lover away.Now that you've spent two weeks putting some distancebetweenyourself and your obsession,you are ready to gain somerealperspectiveaboutwhich of thesesituationsapplies to you.

SrerusCurcrc To help you gain this perspective,I havedevisedthe followitg relationship statuscheck.Even though someof the items on thesetwo lists may appearself-evident,I've known scoresof obsessivelovers whose denialwas so great that they wereblinded to eventhe most obvious of thesesigns.Don't let this happento you. YOUR RETATIONSHIP IS ATRBADY OVER IF . . . 7. your loverhascut off all contactwith you. YOUR RELATIONSHIP CANNOT CONTINUE AS IT IS IF... l. you haveto initiate almostall contactwith your lover. 2. your lover rarelyreturnsyour phone calls. 3. after havinghad an exclusiverelationshipwith lou, your lover wants to begin,or has begun,datingother people. 4. the only way to get your lover to spend time with you is to makehim or her feel guilty or sorry for you. 5, your jealousy? violence,or pursuit behavior possessiveness, repeatedlyangersor frightensyour lover.

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Dealingwith the TruthAbout YourRelationship |

237

much clearer perspective on the nature, if not the future, of your relationship. With this perspective, you are ready to deal with the loss ofyour relationship, ifyou no longer have one, or to reenter your relationship on new terms, if that's still possible.

YourEmotionalVacation Ends:Nor,vWhat? For two weeksyou'vebeenliving in a stateof emotionalsuspended animation.You'veartificiallyisolatedyourselffrom your targetand from your obsessive patterns.During this time you've learnedvarious waysto control the thoughts,feelings,and behaviorsthat make up your obsessivesystem.I know a lot of you may haveslipped a few times during this two-week period, but even so: you made progressand you deserveto congratulateyourself for it. But the changesyou'vemadehavebeen temporary. Now the permanenthealingmust begin-no more Band-Aid solutions. Ifyour relationshiphasended,I'11help you to cometo grips with that painful truth and to continuework on controlling your obsessivetendencies.If you are returning to a relationship,I'll help love in the presenceof your you maintaincontrol of your obsessive lover-your most irresistibletrigger. It's duy fifteen.Your suspendedanimationis over.It's time to acceptwhat you've learned about your situationand your obsessive behavior and actuallystart to integrateit into lour eaeryda2life.

ls Over When YourRelationship If your statuscheck convincedyou that your relationshipis over, you are endingyour emotionalvacationon a very sad note. But the good newsis, the confusion,doubt, and speculationthat havebeen making you feel crazyare now behind you. With this new clarity, you canbeginto developa senseof stabilityin your life and to move love. out of the rut of your obsessive

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Dealingwith theTruthAboutYourRelationship| 239 Susan Looking at your relationtHp, Tom, andyour pain-your pain is the only thing you havethe power to do something about.'\Ioucan'tcreatea relationshipout of thin air . . . nobody can.And you can'tforceTom to careaboutyou if he'snot interested.But you can do somework to getrid ofyour pain. To help Nora, I askedher to do what peoplehavebeen doing for thousandsof yearswhen they've neededto acceptthe finality of a loss: conduct a funeralceremony.

A Eutocv FoR Youn RturtoNsHrP I often askmy clientsto expresstheir griefby deliveringa eulogyfor their relationshipand for all of its attendantfantasiesand dreams. Over the years,I've found this ritual to be extremelyeffective. If you, like Nora, come to the reahzationthat you have no relationship left, takea few minutesto sit down with a pencil and paper and memorializewhat your relationshipmeantto you and how its deathis going to affectyou. Then readyour eulogyout loud asyou visualizeyovr relationshipbeing loweredinto a grave. When I askedNora to do this, we stageda memorial servicein my office usinga chair as a podium. Nora wasa little self-conscious at first as she stood behind the chair,but by the time she finished her improvisedeulogyshewas surprisedat how much shehad had to say.Here is an exceryt: Nora I usedto believethat Tom wasthe answerto all my prayers? but todayI'm hereto bury all that.Let it restin peace.All the love I felt for him, dl the dreamsI had for us, all the good timeswe had . . . theytregonenow and I haveto acceptthat.I really thoughtwe had a future together,but today I'm lutrrg that futureto restbecausethat son of a bitchjust doesn'tcare. I guessI expectedtoo much too fastbut now . . . Itll neversee thoseexpectationsagain.I thoughtit waslove but it wasjust a

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Dealingwith the TruthAboutYourRelationship| 241 up to Nora to continueit. Nora discoveredthat what worked best for her was to discussthe end of the relationshipwith her friends. Every time shetalkedabout it, it becamea little more real to her. Some people need to talk about their feelings.Others need a shoulder to cry on until their sadnesssubsides.Still others grieve by themselves,workirg through their pain by writing in a journal, expressingthemselvesthrough art or music,or engagingin strenuous physical activity.Some people deal with grief quickly; others need more time. In the end, it doesn't matterhow you grieve-as long asyou don't avoidit.

WhenYourRelationship CannotContinueAs lt ls I'm well awarethat many of you will end your two-week vacation and go right back to your lover, evenif you've only got a shadowof a relationship.But if you answeredtty"r" to any of the items in the secondpart of the statuscheck:/ou cannotgo back to businessas usual. If you do, you will wind up right back where you started, mired in an obsessive, unhappy relationship. Once you acknowledgethat your relationshipcannotcontinueas it is, you must takeresponsibilityfor doirg somethingabout it. If you are like most obsessors, you probablyrealizeda long time ago that your relationshipmust change,but your solution has been to try to get your lover to change.The hct is, you can't changeyour lover, you can only changeyourself.And in changingyourself,you will changeyour relationship.Either the relationshipwill get better or you will grow strongenough to leaveit behind.

Reestabl ishing Contact Whether you live with your lover, seeyour lover once or twice a week, or seeyour lover only sporadicallpreturnirg to your relationship can be very precariousfor you.

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Dealingwith the TruthAboutYourRelatianship| 243 huy twice a month, and I told him if he wasn'twilling to give me more than that, I didn't want to go on. He got really confused.This wasthe last thing he everexpectedto hear from me. He saidhe'd think about it and giveme a call. Then he left. The minute the door closedI had this incredible urge to run after him. It waslike all the work I'd done and all the thought I'd put into what I was going to say went down the drain and I was readyto do anything to stop him from leaving.But I didn't! I don't know why, but I didn't. So now it's beena week and I still haven'theard word one. But I know if I call him, I'll fall right back into it and that'sjust too hard for mer so I'm not goingto do it. It really hurts when I think about what we had at the beginnirg, but I know I'll neverget it back anyway?and the bottom line is-I really stood up for myself.I really did. Though Margaretwas convinced that she had pushed Phil to leaveher, the truth is he had left her, in an emotionalsense? a long time before. Margarethad gaineda new clarity about her situationwith Phil through her log and her statuscheck, and that clarity gaveher the courageto refuseto continue her emotiorally unnourishing relationship. The real test came when Phil walked out and she was flooded with obsessiveimpulses to follow him. But the work she had done during her emotionalvacationgaveher the strengthto hold her ground and, after working through her grief over losing him, she has neverlooked back.

Rey AND K,qnrru When Ruy returnedto Karen,hr was,unlike Margaret,returningto a mutual relationship.Ray and Karen had both beenworking hard in their separatetherapieson learningto overcomethe obsessiveaspects of their interactions.But Ruy still found himself reactingto the sametriggersthat had driven him crazybefore.He still felt rejected when sheclosedthe bathroomdoor,he still feltjealouswhen

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Dealingwith the TruthAboutYourRelationship| 245 havior, but now those controls were becomirg self-generated. thoughtsusedto incite him to actiorr they now Wherehis obsessive triggerednew thoughtsabout exercisingcontrol. Though Ruy still had a long way to go, he was clearlyheadingin the right direction.

TneVtorcNrOssEssoR If you havecrossedthe line to violenceagainsteitheryour targetor your target'sprop erVrI stronglyadviseagainstreestablishingconI realizethis injunctact with your lover under any circumstances. tion may make you feel angry and frustrated,especiullyif you're working hard to conqueryour obsessivebehavior,but the fact is, violencehas a tendencyto repeatitself. I am well awarethat somepeople who resort to violencemanage to overcome their particular demons and return to relationships without further incident, but that's the exceptionnot the rule. Your relationship with your target has triggered your violence before. Though thereis no guaranteethat it will do so again,you canreduce the odds againstyou by avoiding a situation that is fraught with known risks. \Iou haveenoughdifficult emotionalwork to do without increasingyour burden in a relationshipwith proven triggers. But it is not enoughto do the work in this book if you are struggling with violent tendenciesaswell aswith obsession.Violent tendenciesare very deeply,firmly rooted, I can't emphasizestrongly enoughthat your violenceis outsideof your consciouscontrol,and all the wishing, willpower,promises,and resolutionsin the world are not going to changethat. You owe it to yourself, to everyone around Iou, and to everyonein your future to enter therapy with someonewho has specificexperiencewith violent clientsand who will work with you both on behavioralcontrolsand on dealingwith your childhood rage.

Rrrunru;KlnrANDLonrna Tur S,qwon's If you are a Savior,you cannot go back to your lover without demanding behavioralchangesunlessyou are preparedto continue

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Kirk knew that when he confronted Loretta in this way, he ran the risk of her leaving him. When you set firm limits on a target who is refusing to take responsibility for serious life problems, any or all of three things can happen:

I . Your lover will becomeenraged. 2. Your lover will makeempty promisesto change. 3. Your lover will agreeto seekhelp. You must recognizethat,if your lover choosesnot to make the healthychoice to seekhelp, you havenot only the right but the responsibilityto refuseto continuerescuinghim or her.This is not an act ofbetrayal;it is an act ofpersonalsurvival.This is a difficult truth for mostSaviorsto acceptbecausethey areso heavilyburdenedwith guilt. But, as we've alreadyseen?caretakersand rescuersare part of the problem,not part of the solution.You can't dig your way out of obsessionif you're buried under someoneelse'stroubles.

N,qrarrEAND Rlcr The limits Kirk set were clear-cut.For Natalie,who went through her savingsbailing her lover Rick out of money troubles,setting limits was more complicated. Nataliecould hardly insistthat Rick stop dreamirg or improvehis financialtrack record. But, after taking her emotionalvacation,she did insistthat he setup a scheduleto beginpatrng offhis debtsto her. Shealsoaskedhim to startpatrng his part of householdexpenses. Rick surprised Natalie by responding positively to her new ground rules. He told her he was fed up with feelinglike a failure and agreedwith her that thingshad to change.Allhe askedwasthat she givehim a thirty-duy graceperiod so that he could find a job. Natalieagreed. JVatalie duy He went out every with the classifiedsunder his arm, but somehownothing everpannedout. I don't know why.

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Dealingwith theTruthAboutYourRelationship| 249 I call this the "three-monthreality check."It's verysimple:three months afteryour reentry into your relationship,just repeatyour statuscheck. If you are still answeringtty"r" to even one of the items, you are still in a seriouslytroubled relationship,and you would be well advisedto end it.

Turrcls No Cnvsrnr Bnu Almost all of my clients in failing obsessiverelationshipscome to me lookitg for the reassurance that if they changetheir behavior they cansavetheir relationship.I can't makethat promise.Each situationis different. Your lover may haverejectedyou for reasonsthat havelittle or nothing to do with your behavior.Evenifyour obsessive tendencies were solely responsiblefor turning off your lover, your changein behaviormay be comirg too late to reversehis or her feelings.Your targetmay not be willing to risk trusting you again,period. If you are a Savior,your targetmay refuseto take personalresponsibility for his or her own problems.And if your targethastruly lost interest,no amountof changeon your part will makea dent in his or her indifference. It is vital that you don't put all your emotionaleggsin the frail basketof your relationship.Your emotionalwell-beingis too important to entrust to a lover who, for whateverreason,has already rejectedyou. Your relationshipmust takea backseatto your emotionalhealth. If your relationshipgetsbetter as a result of the work you do on yourself,more power to it. If it doesn't,you'll still be walkirg away from your lover feelinginfinitely better about yourselfand you'll havegainednew skills for building healthy relationshipsin the future.Either way,you comeout a winner.

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patterns.If you want to internalizethosechanges,if you want them to becomepart of you insteadof somethingyou haveto forceyourselfto do, you'vegot to root out the old emotionaldemonsthat still drive your connectioncompulsion.It's time to exorcisethe ghosts from your past.

ConfrontingChildhoodRejection It will comeasno suqpriseto thoseofyou who'vereadanyofmy other books that I am going to takeyou back into your childhood to deal with relationshipproblemsthat havebeenplagurngyou asan adult. Peoplewho dealwith their deep-rootedchildhood issuesusually do so with the help of a professionaltherapist.But manyobsessive lovers-especially thosewhosechildhoods were not marredby extremeabuse-are able to do this work on their own. Ifyou decideto attemptthis work without a therapist,be preparedto stir up a lot of old feelingsthat may be significantlystronger than you anticipate. Make surethat you havea ftiend or relative-perhaps your anchorwho can be there to offer you support. If you still find yourself thrown off balanceby the intensiry of your feelings,I urge you to seekthe support and guidancethat a trainedtherapistcanprovide.

"WHArlr I Heo Gooo P,qnrruTs?" I know that someof you will insist that your parentsweregenerally loving and never rejectedyou as a child. And in many cases,I'm surethis is true. But that doesn'tmeanyou neverexperienced childhood rejection.As we've seen,children do not need to actuallybe rejectedin order tofeel rejected. Anne certainly believed her parents loved her. Although she talked to me at length about how they had inadvertentlyneglected her when they becamepreoccupiedwith her brother'sdrug problem, shestill consideredthemgoodparents.Shedidn't seehow her parents'inattentioncould possiblyhave had anythingto do with her attemptedsuicide.

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Exorcising OId Ghosts | 253 link, she was able to take stepsto reduce the obsession'spower over her. Anne's story illustrateshow the experienceof childhood rejection can be quite subtle.This is eventrue for someSaviors,especially if their parents were physicallyor mentally ill as opposedto being alcoholicor d*g addicted.But it doesn't matter whether your wounds are obvious or obscured-if you want to heal them you needto facethem.

A L*=rrnro YounRrTrczruc Pnnrrur Through her work in therapy,Margaretcameto understandthat her pain wascausednot orly by her failedrelationshipwith Phil,but also by the way that relationshipreopenedwounds from her childhood. Not only had Margaret'shther left her,but he had addedinsult to inj,rry by failingto maintaincontactwith her afterhe left. I askedMargaretwhat shehad doneabout all the pain shehad left over from her father's rejection.She replied that she'd neverreally done anythingabout it. To Margaret-as to most people-childhood traumawassomethirg to just get through and then try to forget.But that approachleft the traumaburied within her whereit continuedto causeher pain. I told her that if shewantedto get the pain out of her systemonceand for all, shehad to stop suppressingit. To help Margaretdo this, I askedher to write a letter to her rejecting father,telling him how she felt when he left the family.She would haveto somehowfaceher pain once shehad committedher feelingsto paper.Here is what shewrote: DearDaddS When you went awayyou broke my heart. I felt so horrible. I can understandwhy you left Mom, lots of peopleget divorced.But why did you leaveme tooPWhy didn't you comeand seeme oncein a whilePWhy didn't you callPWhy didn't you write? I alwaysthoughtit was becauseyou didn't loveme anymore.Or maybeI'd done somethingbad and you weremad at me. When I sawother kids with their

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Roprnr'sRnGr, While Margaret'sletter expresseda great deal of hurt, other letters-for example,Robert's-focus on differentfeelingsaltogether. Robert was the stereo salesmanwho, after attackinghis girlfriend's car with a hammer,cameto seeme becausehe was afraid that unlesshe got a handleon his temperhe was eventuallygoingto hurt someone.Robertwasunusualin that most peoplewho act out their rageor revengefantasiesthroughviolencelack the courageor insight to seekhelp. Robert seemedgenuinelymotivatedto get a handle on his anger. I askedRobert to write a letter to his father so he could constructivelyexpressthe feelingshe'd had as a child when his father left his mother for anotherwoman-the samefeelingshe had been destructiuel2reenactingin his obsessiverelationshipwith Sarah. Here is an exce{ptfrom a five-pageletter he brought in the followirg week: Dad, The night you left me standingon that road and droveoff with that woman,I felt like a bug who'djust beenstomped on. I wish I could havestompedyou right back. . . . What the hell kind of fathercaresmore aboutsomebimbo thanhe doesabouthis own sonPA realasshole,that'swho. . . . I'll neverforgiveyou for doing that to me. And I'll never forgiveyou for doirg that to Mom. You treatedus like dirt and I hatevou for it. Vourson? Robert In contrastto Margaret'sletter,Robert'sfocusedon his angerat his fatherinsteadof on his sadness. But in reality,Robertand Margaretweremore alike than different.Anger and sadnessgo hand in hand when they're rooted in childhood rejection. Robert'sangerand Margaret'ssadnessreflectedthe samepain;

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Exorcising OId Ghosts | 257 that were certainto be lurking beneathhis rage.So I assignedhim another letterto his father,only this time I askedhim to refrainfrom expressingangerin order to seewhat other feelingshe might connect with. When he brought his letterin a weeklater,it wasonly half a pagelong-afar cry from the fivepagesof his first letter. Dear Dad, When you left me it mademe feellike a piece of shit. I felt like you didn't love ffieryou didn't careabout ffie,you didn't want ile, you didn't needffi€,and you didn't like me. I cried so hard I thought I'd neverstop.I still feellike crying sometimes.I still feellike shit sometimes. Your son? Robert Ragehad alwaysbeenaccessible to Robert,but now he had connected with the emotions that lay beneathhis rage-less "masculine" emotions like sadness, helplessness,and humiliation, emotions that had been making him feel weak and ashamedsince childhood. These were the sameemotions.Robertfelt whenevera woman rejectedhim. As a child he was too helplessto do anythingbut suffer them, but as an adult he could explode into violence,which would momentarilyflood him with feelingsof strengthand power to maskthe emotionsthat madehim feel so inadequate. Robert?ssecondletter allowedhim to reexperiencehis ttsofter" feelingsin a contextthat didn't makehim anxious.He could begin to acceptthem as a normal part of his humanness.This, in turn, made the feelingsmuch less threateningto Robert, reducing his need to defend againstthem with violent behavior.In getting in touch with the emotionsbeneathhis rage,Robert was essentially eliminatingone of the major triggersfor his violence(thoughby no , meansthe only one). As he progressedin therapy,Robert continued to work to control both his violent tendenciesand his obsessive ones.In time,he let go ofhis obsessionfor Sarah.He hassincebecomeinvolvedwith

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ExorcisingOId Ghosts |

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feelings of rejection. She was learning that she had the ability to ease her own pain. This reahzation came as a big suqprise to her. Until now she had been looking to someone else-most recently Tom-to make the pain go away. But now, for the first time, she was coming to believe that it was within her own power to soothe and comfort her inner child. And she was getting very excited about it.

/Vonq's"GooDMoruER"Exrnqsr The following week, when Nora came in for her session, she was bursting to tell me about an exercise she had come up with on her owlr. She called it her t'good mother" exercise,and she was doing it every morning before going to work.

Nora I was thinking about how my mother never said anything nice to me and how thingswould havebeendifferentif she had. I usedto havethis teacherwho wasreallynice to me and I used to dreamabout what it would be like if shewas my mother.So what I do is picture myselfasa little girl with this teacherwalking acrossthe room to me with this big smile on her face,and I imaginethat shezr my mother.She sits down next to me and puts her arm around me and tells me all the things that I alwayswantedmy mother to sayto me. I imagineher sayingull thesenice things to me and I say them out loud. I was anxious to hear what Nora had come up with, so I asked her to do the exercise for me. This is what her visualized"good mother" said to her:

Nora I really loveyou. You're so pretty,you're so smart.Itm so proud of you. Everythingyou do is so fine. You're such a terrific kid I wouldn't tradeyou for anybody.I'm so glad

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Exorcising OId Ghosts | 261 freeyourselffrom the chainsof obsession,you'vegot to giveup, once and for all, the childhood struggleto changeyour rejectingparent. After writing her letter to her fatherand doing a good fatherexercise,Margaretwasfeelingbetter than shehad in years.But before she could really give up her struggle,she had to uncover the anger just as that still lay buried beneathher more accessiblesadness, Robert had had to get to the sadnessthat lay beneathhis anger. To help Margaret do this, I askedher to imagine she was in a play,castasher own father.The play wasan improvisationin which her father would read the letter she had written and then respond ashe might if he wereheretoday. When Margaretbegan,she portrayed a man who seemedtruly sorry for the pain he had caused.Consideringhow her father had treated her, this was an unrealisticallysympatheticimage. So I stopped Margaret and asked her to play her father, not as she wantedhim to be, but instead,asher worsefearsmight depict him. This was much harderfor her. Margaret (ot herfather) I don't know what you want me to.sayaboutyour letter. It's all ancienthistory as far as I'm concerned.I couldn't standyour mother anymoreso I split, and you werepart of the package.I didn't call becauseI didn't want to. I had nothing to sayto you and I didn't haveany interestin hearingwhat you had to say.I didn't careaboutyou then. And now,you'repart of a past that I'djust assoonforget. Susan Okay.There it is. Your worst fearsput into words.What's going on with you right now? Margaret I don't know becausethose*.r. reallyrn) words,not his. Those were m2 fears.I don't believehe'd reallysaythose things to me.

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Exorcising Old Ghosts | 263 You are in no way responsible for any form of rejection that you experienced as a child. This is a basic truth that can havean enormousimpact on how you feel about yourself and on the way you treat yourself and others. B(JT . .. now that you see some of the connectionsbetween childhood rejectionand obsessivelove, Iou may be tempted to use this understandingtojustify how you havebeentreatingyour target. Ruy yielded to this temptation.Ruy was the movie cameraman who cameinto therapywith his lover Karen. As we explored his childhood issues,Ruy cameto appreciatehow much he was still sufferingfrom rejectionby his alcoholicmother.He grew increasingly resentfultoward Karenfor not being more sympatheticto his plight. Roy Of courseI'm a little overbearing.I've got a lot of stuff to dealwith. When you had a childhood like mine,you don't grow up to be the mentalhealthposterboy.Why can't she seethat? Why doesn'tshecut me a little slackP Ray'srationalizingthreatenedto becomean impedimentto our work together.I told him he was using the classic"I-can't-helpbeing-obsessive-I-was-rejected-as-a-child" excuse.I pointed out that Karen was not responsiblefor the emotionalpain he may have sufferedin childhood and shehad no obligationto put up with his unacceptablebehaviorjustbecausehe was still hurting. I urge you not to fall into the sametrap that Ruy did. The truth is,you are totally responsiblefor any pain you haveinflicted on your targetand for finding waysto stop doing it. Understandingthe power of the connectionbetweenchildhood rejectionand adult obsessive patternsis no reasonto believeyour obsessionis beyondyour control.Nor is the fact thatyou were not responsiblefor what happenedto you asa child anyjustificationfor avoidingresponsibilitynow for changingthosepatterns.

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Exorcising OId Ghosts | 265 I had to takecareof her; you can takecareofyourself.Itwas herjob to takecareof me; it's not yourjob. Shealwaysmade me feelhelplessand scared.I feel that way with lou, too, sometimes? but I know that'scoming from ffi€,not from lou, and I've got to rememberthat wheneverI feelthat way She's her and you're Iou, and I'm really sorry I haven'tbeen keepingthat straight. In doing this exercise,Ray wasfeeling, aswell asunderstanding, the di{ferencebetweenhis mother and Karen. He told me he was surprisedat how deeplythis exercisemovedhim. This was an important emotional experiencefor Ruy, somethinghe could think back on wheneverhe startedto react to Karen in the wayshe had reactedto his motherin childhood. Ruyhad beenprojectingonto Karen all of his obsessive fantasies about changinghis mother. But by desymbolizingKaren, h. was \ freeingher of thoseimpossibleexpectations. No lover can heal the wounds of childhood rejection. You, and only lou, have the ability, the motivation, and the responsibility to accomplish that task. The emotional pain of childhood

rejection won't go away overnight. It took a long time to form, and it will take time to dismantle. But if you make these exercises an ongoing part of your life, you will continue to diminish the power that childhood rejection has over you and over your behavior in love relationships. You are no longer a helpless child. You are an adult with not only the responsibility but the power to deal with the ghosts from your past.

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KeepingYourBalance |

267

two of you may even grow apart and decide to separate. Human feelings ebb and flow. No relationship comes with an ironclad guarantee. If you're looking for a relationship, you may very well be jilted a few times before you find one. llour new love interest may not be attracted to you, h" or she may be terrified of intimacyrthe timirg may be wrong, there may be family complications, your prospective lover may hate your dog . . . there's no end to the possibilities. Even if you have your obsessive behavior completely within your control, you may be rejected for reasonsthat are completely beyondyour control. I don't mean to imply that your love life is destined to be one rejection after another. You are nzf programmed to be attracted only to people who will hurt you. You are no,f doomed to a life of romantic disappointment and pain. You have not been singled out by some greater power to be obsessivefor all eternity. However?a little preventive medicine can't hurt. And having the skills to deal with rejection will make you feel safer and more confident in any relationship. In this chapter I'm going to show you how to be prepared by changing your perceptions of rejection and learnirg new ways to respond to it.

Old Triggers, NewPerceptions As an obsessive loveryou wereoftenobliviousto the damageyour behaviorwasdoing to your relationship.You may haveseenyourselfas the innocentvictim of a heartlesslover.Now, asan ex-obsessive lover, you may be so sensitiveto your former blind spots,and so determined to avoid repeatingpast mistakes,that you take too much responsibilityfor any troublesthat may arisein your relationships. This is especiallyeasyto do when a new lover rejectsyou without clearlycommunicatirgwhy.After all, it's not unusualfor people to havea diflicult time beingstraightforwardabouttheir reasonsfor leavinga relationship.Or your lover may simply leaveor stop callitrgwithout explanation.Somepeople don't evenknow why they're

'uetuO/tlsn{ l,uSaOP eH 'drqsuorleler€ ol Ururuocol perucsool s,eH :Iry s6uJoNI su/$,sltlJ 'rorl potcalara^eqlq8ru uuru sFIl dqmuruldxeol Jo {ulql p1noc u a{utu ol rorl pa{su I eqs suosuerSururulqJlos-uouoql lsr1 ile.lo 6anqcadsrad uorlunlls dlaq o; u tuor; Jaq oos uJoN elrlrsod eroru 'onJl tua$ o{uru qlrrndn 3ur{uor {durrs lnq tEunuulq1lasSurql l6usoopserlTlrqrssod -oruosrlllA\ dn etuocol punoq su/Keqsq8nouoprur{ poTrloqsJI 'lT ol EurluaJapJlas su,l\ll luqt puu Suorm3u1ql lnoqe Surlupcadsdaa>1 -duuauop p,o{s lcedsnsol uosuorou sui!\ororllluql uroN plol I iop I pTpIIeqoql luq6'8u|{lduu 8ur(ustnoqlu\{selrrrr ur 3urqp11de>1 lsnleq tnq'3uorm aur p1pI ruq,l\urFIpo{su I 'lTolalloq l6uplnor J 'orour.f,uu o^o[l,uplp aq prusoH 'quoq sgt poddorplsnf aq ueql puv 'qsnd ot tuu,r,r' t,uplp dlpar f 'oru r{ll,t\ou5 lsnlsu^ lur{l puu {aed\ E oJri l aq.(uurlno our pa{su aH dnp Lrana[uc uelo l,uplp I 'ilu lu ll lnoqu parnssordIeeJl,upp [ 'luare;]lp sutl 11.uusng'nod ol ruai!\s 'aroJeqtuo{ luoraJllpos llal ll puv J 'poo8 or 8,rto8surnBurqlfta^fl 'tl plp oq a^e1aqt,uuc 1 ITJ,OAI

So ll papc Sappns eq uoql puu sqluoruFralas rog{a/usnp -xoJorllor{D€e,lausdr,{I'u€ur /t.oue lotu eqst*oJ lnoqu sorsulueJ Jar{ dn onu8dpull uroN raryeruodu tno(M 'eur qlTATro/tarerlJo puo oql EuuuausB A.er{ssuaruelq-Jlas pogqsnf,mJouos sgl ol peuoseruroN nol SAVMTV r,NSl Jl 'po^?suoeqo^uq plnoo drqsuollulerarl?dpueragp Sulqleruoseuop peq daql JI luql orunssu.(lecld& /aql 6uanourlun Surdu8sFIl rlll,t\ pacuJore srolol olrssesqo-xeuoq6'lno taEol luBA\daql ,r\orr{tsnfdar{llpagsrlessrp 1AO1lArSSlSsO I B9Z

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He has a wife and 12 kids in Peoria. He's decided to become a monk. He's emotionally constipated. He only has six weeks to live. He only likes stupid women. He's intimidated by intimacy. He's on the lam from the Mafia. He's on the lam from the law. He's on the lam from his wife and 12 kids. He's ashamed of the fact that he can't a{ford to go out anymore. He's an alien from another planet. I was pleased that Nora was able to find some humor in this exercise. Therapy doesn't have to be relentlessly grim and serious any more than life does. Love relationships are often flavored by irony and absurdiry and it helps make the pain of rejection less overwhelmirg if you can use laughter to soften the blow. While I don't mean to discount the pain or sadnessof the end of a relationship, finding the humor in a difficult situation always makes it easier to endure. Nora's humor helped her put a damper on some of her disappointment and did nothing to undermine the eflectivenessof her list. Even her playful entries helped her gain an important understanding: that her lover could have rejected her for reasonsthat had nothing to do with her. Between the extremes of taking too little and too much responsibility for problems in love relationships, there lies a middle ground-reality. When you finally find that middle ground, you will appreciate that there are two people in a relationship, both ofwhom have their own internal conflicts and agendas. If you accept the fact that rejection is not necessarilya reflection

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/uaN 'sn88u1pD sasuodsay 'sdrqsuoqular Al,ouJos>lslr Ieuopotua oql elpuuq ol puu eruJ ol nod roJ rers€e Surquru tsrea; 8ur1es;op-Jlasrnod;o duuru auru lr 'ptra33ut dlsnorzrord -rapun ruet nod's3urlaoJ osoqlSo oB Eurnel dg rlceordarllas puu grom-yles lu\olJo s3urlaa; rnod suq uoqcefrr ln,{l 'pa1cafarar,nod Jo lol uJo oB 1a1no.( dp.l uuc arrrlcadsradA,au sHI etup Lrana ud\op eprsdn urnl ol oluq l.useop aJII rnod tnod uo

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Drcrur ry Dr,srRoyERs In the past, Margaret had reacted to rejection as most obsessive lovers do, with what I call "dignity destroyers." The most common dignity destroyers are: .

pleading for another chance

.

refusing to accept that the relationship is over

.

threatening harm to the other person or to yourself

.

predicting that you will not be able to survive a breakup

.

offering to do anything to keep your lover

In the past, Margaret's dignity destroyers had made her feel foolish, desperate,and sometimes crazy.To alleviate her fears of repeatirg these behaviors in the future, I suggestedthat she practice some new responses to her old triggers.

Dlcrulw PnrsERyERs is to Oneof thewaysI helppeoplelearnnewresponses to rejection simulatetheir worst casescenarioin a nonthreatenirgsetting. Before I took Margaretthrough this exercise,I demonstrated for her by asking each member of her group to say something rejecting to me as if we were ending a relationship.Margaret's group was made up of men and women who were trying to overcome obsessivepatterns. Since rejection was an issue for all of them, they had no trouble coming up with rejectingstatements that had servedas triggersfor their own obsession.I then showed Margarethow she might respond to thesetriggerswith new responses. I call thesekinds of responses "dignity preseryers": oLD TRIGGER:ttl don't ever want to see you again." ..It hurts to hear you say that but I'11respect NEWRESPONSE: your decision."

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r{Deeeost,uop aaUIlsaq eq ppona tl IuHl I os 'dlqsuou€ler d1sno.1^qo eA,, :usNodsuuAtuN sIIl tno sEurqllueralllp lue,rr,r Jo aq lsnf 66'spuolr3 s6leT'nod ol palcerlledllecrsdqdlou lsnlu,L, sugccluJ qro

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dpaau ool a.r.no1'arorudue ll a{et l6ueJ L, :f,flccluJ oro

1AO1lArSSrSsOI ZlZ

Keeping YourBalance | 273 itg a pausebetweenthem for your response.You can use the triggers that Margaret'sgroup memberscame up with and add any other rejectingstatementsfrom your own experience.When you play the tape back, respond with one or more of the dignity preseryersabove.You'll find that almostall of them can work as a responseto almostany form of rejection. Having a repertoireof new responsesto old triggerspreventsyou from yielding to the desperationthat has typically driven you to say and do things you've come to regret.These dignity-preservingresponsesare like emotional life preservers.They keep you afloat when your emotionaltides threatento drag you under.

CorurnoNrNcDounLEMEssAGEs Another way to avoid triggerirg obsessivebehavioris to learn to clari$' any double messagesthat a current or future lover may give you. As we've seen,double messages can really throw you off balance.You cling desperatelyto the part of the messagethat saysor implies that your lover wantsIou, while at the sametime you're terrified of the part that saysor impliesthat he or shedoesn't.The easiestway to cut through the fog is to refuseto beconfused.Ifyou find that your lover is srying one thing and doing another,don't try to guesswhat's going on-ask. Here are a few examplesof the kinds of questionsyou can ask your lover: "I don't understandsomethirg.You sayyou love me but you don't makeany time for me. Doesn'tthat seem contradictoryto youP" (tl'm gettingvery mixed signalsfrom you. We seeeach other three timesa week,but you're still going out with other people.What kind of a relationshipdo you want?" ttYou actlike you want to makea real commitmentto me, but everytime I bring it up, you get very distant.Am I wastingmy time in this relationship?" "'llou talk aboutwanting to makea real commitmentto me

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Keeping YourBalance | 275 was very concernedthat if she allowedherselfto be spontaneous, she would lose the control she had gainedover her obsessivebehavior. I assuredAnne that her trust in herselfwould increaseover time if she could relax enoughto permit herselfto takesomeemotional risks. Even if things didn't alwayswork out, she could learn from her setbacksaswell asfrom her successes. Beingconstartlyon your emotionalguard can be extremelytaxing both on you and on your lover. Anne agreedto makean effort to be lessrestrainedaround her new boyfriend.By the time she and her lover celebratedtheir sixmonth anniversaryshewas feelingmuch lessanxiousabout being open and genuinewith him. Anne I don't know whetherI trust him more now or I trust myselfmore now,but I feel a lot more philosophicalabout this relationshipthan I everdid before.It's like, I don't feel like I'm going to go offthe deepend againso I don't worry about it too much anymore.If this relationshipdoesn'twork out, it doesn'twork out. It hasto be good for me, too, you know.I neverpaid attentionto that before.I was alwaysso intent on gettinghim to love me that I nevercaredthat I was miserablein the relationship.Now I know that if I'm not huppy I can walk awayfrom it. I'll be disappointed,but I'll live. And that's really freedme to be myself.It's an incredible feeling.If you had askedme six months agoif I everthought I'd feellike this I would havesaid "no way1'Muyb.I'm kidding myself,but all I know is I'm not going crazy worrying about my relationshipright now,and that in itself is a miracle. Anne had done far more thanjust relax into this new relationship. Shehad madechangesin her attitudesand expectations that helped keepher relationshipand her life in perspective.She realtzedthat a relationshipneededto work for her in the hereand now,

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or AVM MlN v 'Nrjyus1ll)

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important of all things to me, your dignity and individuality. I grieve for the lost love and wasted time. I know now that the anger and pain inside of me has nothirg to do with lou, and every duy my love for you helps me remember that. I know that we will thrive as long as I can continue to act consistently out of respect and out of love. I know in my heart that it will not be easy.There are still a lot of things to learn and alot of habits to break. But I love you for stickirg this out with ffie, despite the pain and sufferitg I caused you in the past. And I love you for not letting me get away with any of my old crap anymore. And I especially love you for giving me a chance to change when a lot of other women might have given up on me. But most of all, I love you for being exactly who you are. Huppy anniversary baby. I love you.

Ruy Ray's anniversary letter was ajoyous way of celebrating not only his renunciation of obsessive patterns, but his discovery of a new way of loving that freed him from the fear and anger that had dominated his life with Karen in the past. As a result of the work he had done to understand how he had invaded Karen's boundaries, Ruy now accepted the fact that Karen was a separateindividual. That meant that she had a right to her own feelings, thoughts, and interests, and that he had to respect that right. Obsession can't coexist with this kind of respect for a lover's personal rights, and a good relationship can't exist without it.

TtuotNG Tunrvot FoR Rr,qr lNnrvecr But how do you know a good relationshipwhen it comesyour way? How do you know when it's the real thingP The answeris, you can't-at first. If you go into a new relationship"knowirg that it's the real thing," you're loading up that relationshipwith the same kinds of fantasiesand magicalexpectationsthat havesabotagedyou in the past.

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Reading Suggested

Bradshaw,John. Homecoming. New York: BantamBooks,1990. Branden,Nathaniel.The Psychologof Romantic Lrue. New York: BantamBooks,1981. Delis, DeanC., Ph.D., with Philtips,Cassandra.ThePassionParadox.New York:BantamBooks,1990. Diamond,J.d, L.C.S.W.Loohingfw Loaein AII the WrongPlaces. New York Avon Books,1989. Edward,Joyce,M.S.S.A.,Ruskin,Nathene,M.S.S.,and Turrini, Patsy, M.S.S. Separation/Indiaiduation.New York: Gardner Press,1981. Halpern, Howard M., Ph.D. Hnw to Break TourAddictionto a Person.NewYork:BantamBooks,1983. Hayes,Jody. Smart Loue.Los Angeles: JeremyP.Thrcher,1988. KatzrDr. StanJ.and Liu, AimeeE. FalseLoae.New York: Ticknor & Fields,1988. Norwood, Robin. WomenWhoLoue TooMuch. New York: Pocket Books,1986. Tennov, Dorothy.Loae and Limerance.New York: Stein & Duy, I g7g.

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