Shine A Light

SHINE A LIGHT

…Shane smoothed the lapel of my jacket, although it didn’t need it. This might be as close as I ever got to him again. God help me, but I couldn’t walk away without touching him one more time. I grasped his hips and pulled him, unresisting, to me. His arms snaked up around my neck, holding me with his fierce, young strength. We pressed together, chest-to-chest and thigh-to-thigh. I breathed in his scent and kissed his hair, committing the feel of him to memory, then I gently pulled away. His hands came to rest on my shoulders. “How are you getting to the airport?” “I cut a deal with a kid who works at the resort.” Shane accepted that, nodding, his gaze somewhere past me. I was poignantly reminded of his youth. Would he listen to my advice? “Shane, if you have any doubts about Doug, do yourself and him a favor, and end it. I didn’t do that with Lynn and I paid a high price for it.” “It’s not like that, man! I told you. I don’t sleep with him any more. That’s in the past. We’re just friends now.” “Lots of things are in the past,” I told him as gently as I could. It was all over him that he wanted to argue with me, but his shoulders slumped, and his eyes had a vacant look to them. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed not to touch him again. “Shane, what’s really wrong?” “Nothing. You don’t want anything to do with me. Well, okay, I’ll get over it.” With that, he turned and walked away, his long strides quickly putting a lot of distance between us. I watched him go with a sinking feeling in my gut. I’d bungled that, and badly…

ALSO BY KC KENDRICKS At The Southern Cross Give Me One Night Netting Neptune Night Moves No One But You Passion’s Victory Poseidon’s Pleasure Seducing Light Shining Victory Surrendered Victory Taming Triton Tango In The Night A Taste Of Victory

SHINE A LIGHT BY KC KENDRICKS

AMBER Q UILL PRESS, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com

SHINE A LIGHT AN AMBER QUILL PRESS BOOK This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales, or events is entirely coincidental. Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review. Copyright © 2010 by KC Kendricks ISBN 978-1-60272-648-2 Cover Art © 2010 Trace Edward Zaber

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PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

For Kevin, wherever your journey leads, may someone shine a light.

SHINE A LIGHT

CHAPTER 1 It’s often said pride goes before the fall. I can attest that it’s sometimes the other way around, especially if you don’t see it coming at you. I’d fallen, and far, and what little pride I had left refused to allow me to walk into the off-Broadway theater when the lights were up. No, Van MacKenzie did not want to be spotted as he scoped out a little bitty community theater in the deep woods, some two hundred miles west of Manhattan. I’d have to come to terms with my pride, and fast, if I landed a job here. I slid into my seat and scrunched down, leaning toward my agent so I could keep my voice low. “Sorry I’m late.” Constance handed me a program. “No, you’re not. I knew you’d slink in here at the last minute so it’d be dark and no one would recognize you.” 1

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“Okay. Guilty. Now let’s just watch the show.” She sighed, loudly, and I wondered again why I put up with her. It might be that no other agent would touch me right now. Homophobic bastards, all of them. That was the bitterness talking, but sue me, not that I had a lot left worth taking. The entertainment industry and my faithless exlover had seen to that. Yes, I was a wee bit bitter and needed to remind myself I was far from destitute, no matter how it felt. The lights dimmed, and I put my personal unrest aside. I loved Arsenic and Old Lace and made up my mind to enjoy the play, even if it was a community theater way, way, way off Broadway. Forty-five minutes later, I applauded with as much enthusiasm as everyone else, pleasantly surprised at the quality of the actors. My agent smirked at me as I stayed in my seat during the intermission. I kept my head bent as I scoured the program looking for some well-known name, some clue how these folks managed to pull off this caliber of production. I almost got away with anonymity. Almost. The lights flickered, and a jaunty little piano tune tinkled out of the speakers. When it ended, a large majority of the audience clapped three times, and yelled, “The Globe!” I was impressed at the level of support. Necessity is a mother, so they say. I didn’t fancy working in the woods with the bugs and snakes, but I couldn’t afford to be too choosy, and a theater with a loyal following was better than one without. Then it happened. Lightning. I hoped the seat in front of me would remain empty for the third act, but it was not to be. An attractive, well-built young man my practiced eye put at a bit taller than my barely reaching six-foot 2

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frame inched his way down the row. He carelessly draped what appeared to be an expensive black leather jacket across the seat beside him, glanced at me, and froze as recognition flickered in his dark gaze. I stared into his wide black pupils that reflected the dancing, low lighting of the theater, and couldn’t draw a breath. He was gorgeous, way too much so to be gay, but I was instantly smitten. I smiled at him. The object of my interest treated me to a small smile and a quick nod, then settled in his seat. I fidgeted in mine, inhaling the undeniably male scent beneath the light, crisp cologne he wore. I recognized it as I had a bottle on the shelf in my bathroom, but it didn’t smell that good on me, so I didn’t use it. The return of my agent interrupted my private interlude. Constance handed me a large, covered cup before she plopped down in her seat. “God, I love these little country places. Where else can you get old-fashioned coffee like this and bring it to your seat?” I lifted the lid and sniffed. The guy in front of me had more olfactory appeal, but I decided it was easier to agree with her than admit my hound dog sniffing act had nothing to do with the coffee. “This place does have a lot going for it.” “You’re so committal, Van.” Sure I was, as in non-committal. That lack of commitment had ultimately landed me out here in the boonies. I tapped Constance’s knee with mine to get her attention. “Is the meet on for after the show?” She nodded over the rim of her coffee cup. “Yep. We’re to go to the producer’s office and wait, if necessary. He and the director will be there as soon as they can. I told them you might have to get back to the city.” “Oh, great. Lie to them right off the bat.” One thing about 3

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Constance—the possible repercussions of tempting fate didn’t keep her awake at night. “It’s an out for you, silly. You can always tell me I have the dates mixed up on my calendar, and your…whatever… is next weekend.” “I don’t play games like that, Constance. I’ve told you that several times, and I meant it every time. Now be the agent I need you to be and stay straight with these people.” She snorted softly, her words holding amusement, not sting. “Straight. That’s a good one, coming from you.” Relieved she didn’t want to argue over her techniques, I kept our banter light. “You’re just jealous because I get more men than you do.” “Damn right I am. Okay, Van, I’ll tell them you can be in town a few days, if necessary.” “Thank you.” I needed a job. Performing was my drug, and I’d been without it for far too long. The lights dimmed, saving me from further conversation. The second half of the production was even better than the first. I laughed along with everyone else and applauded when the curtain closed. Constance was eager to move me along backstage, but I resisted until the man in front of me stood. I’d been correct about his height and now, in brighter light, noted his pale blue eyes. He retrieved his jacket and draped it over his elbow, his long fingers stroking the leather. So he was tactile, was he? I liked the feel and texture of fine things, too. My fingertips itched to stroke his dark five o’clock shadow and see if it were bristly or soft. He stopped at the end of the row and allowed Constance and me to precede him. Naturally, the woman had to stop at the ladies’ room. I found a section of 4

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wall to lean against while I waited for her. People strolled by, not giving me a second look. My agent reappeared, finally, and we wove our way through the crowd. I kept my hand on the small of her back, propelling her safely along. No one stopped us as we stepped through a side door and walked back the dimly lit hallway, following the sound of voices. Determined to be a gentleman, I paused and allowed her to enter the room first. Friendly faces greeted us, and among them, the leather jacket toting hottie who had sat in front of me. He nodded politely, but I saw more than professional interest in his gaze. Well, well, well. Mr. Gorgeous was gay. He probably had a partner, living so far out in the middle of nowhere. I doubted St. Charles had an active gay scene…another reason for me to spend some time here. I couldn’t afford to be seen out and about with any man, be he gay or straight, while trailing the obnoxious paparazzi in my wake. St. Charles felt like a temptation-free zone to me. Well, except for him. He was definitely tempting, but I had to do the smart thing, which was to take a pass and stay the hell out of trouble. Besides, he was young, probably not a day over twentyfive. A middle-aged fellow in dress jeans and a sports coat stood and extended his hand. I grasped it, squeezing with the proper amount of equal pressure. “Welcome to The Globe in the Grove, Donovan. I’m Phil Albright, producer. Call me Phil. We’re not very formal here, backstage.” He turned and gestured at the other two men. “Our jack-of-all-trades and director, Bob Jones, and Shane Hollister, our number one assistant and set designer. Connie we already know.” 5

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I shook hands with the director, then with Shane. He met my gaze with open curiosity, holding my hand just a moment too long, his palm warm against mine. I nodded, trying to decide if his name was truly familiar, or if my memory played tricks on me. “Pleased to meet everyone. And I’m just Van. Donovan was what my mother called me when I got myself in some sort of trouble.” They smiled, and Bob spoke up. “I’ll remember that for future reference.” There was more relaxed laughter, and I had the distinct impression they thought my coming on board for their next production was a given. What had Constance told them? How much had she told them? Worse yet, how much did they know from the press? Truthfully, if they wanted me, it was a done deal. There wasn’t any point in pretending otherwise. I motioned over my shoulder in the general direction of the stage. “The production tonight was excellent. You have a lot of talent here.” Phil and Bob beamed at the praise. Shane was more reserved, accepting the compliment with a nod, but obviously expecting a caveat of some sort to be forthcoming. I didn’t have one for them. Albright spoke up. “Thank you. The Globe is small, but a lot of passion goes into what happens here. Shane is a godsend. He actually worked on several Broadway productions.” Phil patted Shane’s knee. Shane looked as though he wished Phil had kept his mouth shut. Curious, I asked Shane which shows he’d been affiliated with. He rattled off a few, surprising me with his whiskey baritone voice, then he paused and took a deep breath. 6

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“And I designed all the sets for Heartland.” No wonder his name had sounded familiar. Many, myself included, had thought Heartland worthy of a quantity of Tony Award nominations. It hadn’t happened, and now I wondered if that’s why Shane was here. I whistled softly. “Heartland was fantastic, one of the most thoroughly thought out and detailed sets I’ve ever seen. I saw the show four times.” Below a wary gaze, Shane smiled. “Thanks. The sets are easy when the material is good.” I nodded. Everything was easy when the material was good. The Globe’s upcoming production, a four-act play entitled Sumner’s Garden, was incredible. Written by a totally unknownbut-not-for-long talent, the script blew me away. And playing an angry, troubled man? Yeah, I could certainly do that. Coming at this moment in my life, I had a lot of emotion to draw upon. Phil leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs. “Let’s forget the chase and get to the point. Van, we’d love to have you play Andy Pulaski. We haven’t even considered anyone else. We can’t pay you what you’re used to, but your lodging is included as part of the deal. It’s over at the ski resort, so it’s sort of upscale rustic, but nice. Meals at the resort lodge are included. So how about it? Are you our Andy?” Constance cleared her throat, quickly taking over the conversation. “Gentlemen, my client and I have to talk now that he’s seen The Globe.” Oh, here we go. I knew she’d have to muck into it some more. I ignored Constance and Phil in favor of staring at Shane. He didn’t flinch, or even fidget in his chair, as he stared back. My skin prickled under his calm perusal. My agent was on her way to obnoxious. It was time to reel her in. I covered her hand with mine. 7

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“Phil, let me read over the contract you prepared for tonight, and I’ll call you in the morning.” “Van…” I gently squeezed her hand, stopping Constance before she could say more. I looked at Phil. “Do you have two more copies, per chance?” Phil nodded. “Yes, of course. It’s the same as the one I forwarded to you last week.” He plucked the copies off his desk and handed them to me. I passed one to Constance. “Look it over again. It’s a good contract. We’re willing to be very accommodating to get a big name like Donovan MacKenzie to perform here. The Globe will reap huge rewards with Sumner’s Garden, now, and in the future.” “I appreciate the confidence you have in me, Phil. I hope I don’t let you down.” I stood and held my hand out to him. I saw in his eyes he understood I was placating my agent and, as far as I was concerned, I’d accepted the role. Shane rolled to his feet in a controlled, graceful motion. “Phil, why don’t you take Constance for a nightcap before you drop her off at her room. I’ll show Van around the place and the way to the motel.” I did my best to ignore my surprise at the blood pooling in my groin. My libido had been strangely subdued since the breakup with my ex-lover, Lynn. I’d not even had the urge to masturbate. I welcomed the flickering spark of interest, but hoped it didn’t become noticeable. Shane hadn’t made a pass at me; he’d merely offered to show me around. Acting like a horny fool wouldn’t get me off on the right foot with him. On the other hand, if he asked to come to my room, I wouldn’t say no. Maybe he was the sort who could handle a trick and keep it 8

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strictly for fun. It would be great to have interest in sex back as part of my life. God, I needed to get laid, not entanglements, and that’s what fucking him would be. I didn’t need to have another man pissed off at me. My ex-boyfriend had that covered. I smiled again, and accepted Shane’s offer. We all said our goodnights as I carefully folded the contract and slipped it in the inside pocket of my sports coat. I gave Constance a little peck on the cheek to make her happy, my gaze locked with Shane’s amused one. I had no illusions the manner in which my closet door had been blown off its hinges was unknown to any one present. Shane grinned behind her back as Constance murmured she’d call me in an hour or so I hoped she wouldn’t. It looked like I might be busy in an hour. Maybe.

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CHAPTER 2 Shane didn’t waste time with a grand tour, but led me straight to the stage. I failed miserably at not staring at his ass as he walked. Lord, he had a nice butt. Tight. Muscled. I just knew it was a perfect fit for my hands. He pulled a lever and the maroon velvet curtains parted, gliding silently on their tracks to swing heavily at the ends. I stood there, center stage, and looked out across the rows of empty seats. Smart fellow, Shane Hollister. He knew this was the view that would nail me for the job. I sensed him at my left side as his body heat blended with mine in the cool night air. “The first time I came to The Globe in the Grove, I was twelve. My dad brought me.” He pointed to a spot about twenty rows back, center. “We sat there, only in those days, it was the last row. That 10

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was before the theater was enclosed, too.” “Really? They’ve expanded, then. It’s more than double that now. Do I remember correctly that I read during the summer, almost all of the walls are panels that slide open?” “Yep. When it’s really warm, we turn on the roof fans and create a draft. They are amazingly quiet. Phil has done wonders here. I should warn you, they hope to get you to come every summer.” Well, crap. I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned to face him. “I guess they don’t read the tabloid press.” Amusement lit in his sparkling eyes, and it struck me again how easy it would be to turn fool over this young man. His gaze never left mine as he shook his head. “No, they don’t, but even straight guys read the gay press. It’s more informative on some matters.” “Shit.” He laughed softly. “It’s not that bad, Van. You’re not the first man to have his closet door thrown open by a vindictive ex-lover.” “Yeah, everyone has a blog these days.” I’d known Lynn had one, and that he dropped little tidbits about me from time-to-time from the angle of a fan lucky enough to be in my orbit. The little chatty things, like where I’d had dinner or which designer duds I’d worn to an event were harmless and kept my fan base entertained. I’d never expected Lynn to get down and dirty with details about our sex life, complete with color snapshots. I dared to meet Shane’s amused, knowing gaze. Well, crap! He’d seen the photos. My face heated. Shane grinned. “Personally, I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about, and Phil and Bob agree. We were rather…impressed.” 11

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It was just too fucking bad the stage couldn’t open up, suck me down, and swallow me whole. I wouldn’t fight it, not one bit. I rubbed my warm face with both hands. “I think I’ve seen enough of the theater for tonight. Is there any place between here and this motel you need to get me to we can get a cup of coffee?” He studied me for a moment, speculation glittering in his eyes before he clapped me on the shoulder. “Sure. Where are you parked?” I put my hands on my hips, raised my eyebrow, and looked him up and down. He was a fine specimen, for sure. “Where do you think I’m parked? In the visitors’ parking.” Shane laughed, a bright, cheerful sound that rippled around me like a siren’s song. I knew better than to allow my interest in him get the best of me, but I feared I was about to turn very stupid. “Of course your car is there. Mine’s out back. I’ll come around, blink my lights, and you can follow me.” My skin prickled with foolish anticipation. “I’d follow you just about anywhere tonight, Shane Hollister.” The corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile. “I got that about you.” He’d not missed a beat before he said that. I didn’t either. “So how about it? Keep me company in my lonely motel room?” His enigmatic gaze held mine as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “I have to call home first.” I flinched inside. He did have a lover, or at least someone close enough to him they warranted a check-in call. Damn it. I grasped his elbow, stopping him before he punched a speed dial button. 12

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“Listen, Shane, I’m not into any sort of drama here. If you have a partner, someone who trusts you, then just point me to road. I’ll find my own way to the motel.” His chin lifted. “It’s not that, Van. I don’t have anyone in my life right now.” Shane pushed the button, and I heard the tones as the phone opened the connection. A man answered as Shane pressed the receiver to his ear. Had he just lied to me? I took a deep breath and eavesdropped shamelessly. Or maybe not, since he seemed to want me to hear his side of the conversation. “Hey. Everything okay?” Shane paused, listening. “No, don’t wait up for me. I have to get Donovan MacKenzie settled for the night.” Shane smiled at me, listening to the voice in his ear. “I will. ’Night.” He flipped the phone closed. “Satisfied, Van?” No, I wasn’t. “I mean it, Shane. I don’t want any trouble while I’m here. I have enough to handle with my own problems.” Shane frowned at me, the mercurial shift in his mood evident in the tense lines of his body. “The only trouble I’m looking at is you. The motel is west on Route 30. Make a right out of the parking lot, go to the light and make a left. You’ll see the sign, maybe an eighth of mile down on the right. You’re registered, but you need to stop and get the keycard.” Just fuck me. He was pissed. How did I manage to do this with people? Things that should be simple, like not being a party to some guy screwing around on the side, always went haywire. I should have just tricked him and let him worry about whatever fall-out he encountered. Only, I never could get away with that. Whoever said a stiff dick has no conscience had never met mine. I backpedaled. “I’m sorry, Shane. I guess my recent 13

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experience has me overly cautious. Can we still grab that cup of coffee?” Shane looked away, then rubbed the back of his neck. He took a breath and did his best to smile at me. “Yeah, sure. I’d like that. And to put your mind at ease, I called my Dad. I’m staying with him. He’s really great, and I didn’t want him to stay up late and pretend not to worry about me.” I was relieved at his confession and pleased, for him, that he got along with his father. It still left unanswered why he got so testy about my concern about him cheating on a partner. Perhaps, when we knew each other better, I’d find out, not that it mattered too much one way or the other to me. We all have buttons we don’t like pushed. I would only be here for a few months, so he didn’t owe me his innermost secrets. “Does your father know you’re gay? Are you out?” He nodded and handed me his business card. “Yes, to both questions. My cell number is on there. If you have any questions about The Globe between now and the entire cast and crew meeting next month, call me.” I pulled out one of my personal cards from my wallet and gave it to him. “My cell number is on the back if you need to contact me. You know, if you decide to tell Phil you don’t want me here.” The corner of his mouth twitched, and his voice was rich with humor. I liked it that he had a good sense of humor. “Don’t tempt me, Van. But don’t worry. We need you to do Sumner’s Garden. Times are tough. You’ll be a big draw. It works for everyone.” His hand brushed mine in the briefest of touches, silently indicating his continued interest. “C’mon. Let’s get coffee and take it to your motel room.” I looked him in the eye. “Does one of us need to make a 14

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different stop?” The devil danced in his sparkling gaze. “I have one in my wallet.” I laughed softly, feeling sixteen again. “So do I.” Shane stepped closer, his young face earnest as his eyes searched mine. “Are you going to be angry if we don’t get that far?” I touched his hand and told him the truth. We had all summer to either regret tonight, or build a friendship on it. I preferred the latter. “No, not at all. I’m good with keeping things simple.” Shielded by our bodies, his fingers squeezed mine. “Thanks. I’m interested, Van, but I need to know you better before I give it up to you.” “I know exactly what you mean. Let’s go. I have six months to see the rest of The Globe.” “I’ll stop by the concession and get coffee to go. Watch for me.” My gaze glued to his ass, I followed him off the stage and then stepped out into the night alone while he went on his errand. A fair number of people milled about in the parking lot, laughing and joking about the show. It reaffirmed my thought that The Globe productions had a loyal audience. While I waited for him to drive around, I transferred the one condom I always carried from my wallet to my pocket. I probably wouldn’t need it, given our mutual desire to keep things light and easy, but I’d rather be prepared. It could always go back in my wallet in the morning. When a late-model Pontiac slowed and flashed its lights, I pulled out behind it. Within minutes, we arrived at the motel. I stayed in my car while Shane got the key, then followed him 15

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around to the rear side of the building. My pulse quickened as I parked and switched off the ignition. It had been six long months since I’d been with anyone. The urge was there, not strong and demanding, but banked down, a tiny glowing ember fearful of too hot a spark. It had been like that since those nude pictures of all eight of my very happy inches had hit the Internet. I was tired of this monkish existence. Maybe tonight would end it. He handed me a cup, then opened the door. I stepped inside the nondescript motel room with its main feature the queen-sized bed. I set my coffee on the dresser before I pulled the condom out of my pocket and flipped it onto the pillows, just in case. Shane sipped from his cup, then set his coffee down and turned to me, his eyes black in the low light. He grasped my jacket and slipped it off my shoulders, tossing it over the chair. “The coffee can wait, Van. I can’t.” His words were all that tiny spark inside me needed. My penis reacted, filling and swelling. I could have shouted with joy at the return of the familiar sensations. I reached for him, wanting to touch him. I slipped his coat off his shoulders and dropped it on top of mine, then our shirts flew in the same direction. Shane’s hands skimmed across my stubbly chest, a note of amusement in his low voice. “Darn. You shaved.” I palmed his brown nipples, and they pebbled under my touch. “I landed a twenty-minute speaking role in a made-for-television mystery. They asked me to go bare. It’s taken forever to grow back, but at least it doesn’t itch anymore.” I hooked my fingers under his waistband and unsnapped his jeans while he yanked the zipper down. I tugged his pants off his 16

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hips. Dark and rosy, his cock sprang from a curly, dark nest. Cut, he was about seven-and-a-half inches, with a respectable girth. Pale veins showed beneath the smooth skin. I trailed my middle finger lightly down his length, smiling as his penis flexed up in response. I caressed the ridges of the little four-pack abs he sported, then ran my fingers through the patch of fur in the center of his chest. “I like a little hair, too, babe, especially when it trails down to here.” My fingertips followed the dark line growing down his middle all the way to his bush. His cock lifted again. “Eager?” “Scared, too. You’re Donovan MacKenzie. I don’t want to disappoint you.” Shane’s fingers brushed the bulge that snaked down my left thigh, still trapped by denim. Touched by that confession, I gave him by own. “I don’t want you to be disappointed in me, either. This is me right now, not some Hollywood image that’s impossible to live up to.” “I know.” We moved at the same time, and whether I kissed him, or he kissed me, I didn’t know or care. His warm, coffee-flavored lips parted under mine. My senses reeled, hit by jolt after jolt of arousal as his soft, breathy sigh drew me in. He was like some live flame in my arms, with his heat and energy ready to be unleashed at my command. The memories of other lovers flickered and dimmed. His tentative eagerness reminded me he was only in his midtwenties, maybe too young for my cynical attitude, even as it banished any thought of staying away from him because of his age. Shane inhaled sharply and his tongue met mine in a lively dance of joyful discovery. I felt the laughter building in him, and we both grinned, which ended our kiss. He licked his smiling lips. “Wow.” 17

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I was barely able force air into my lungs. “Wow? I was hoping for five stars.” “Okay, Van. That was a five-star first kiss.” Yes, it was, and I was a five-star fool for not walking away. I cupped the back of his head and kissed him again.

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CHAPTER 3 Shane’s arms snaked around my neck as his lips opened, and his tongue licked into mine. Back and forth, we tested and teased each other, unhurried in our promise of eventual release. I kissed his bristly cheek, sliding my lips along his jaw line. I tasted the saltiness of his skin as I licked my way to the flat, brown disc of his nipple. He sighed as I swirled my tongue over it, suckling when it peaked into a little hard nub. His strong hands gripped my hips, pulling me to the bed. I spun around, and still mired by our pants, we fell onto the mattress. Shane twisted beneath me. I rolled off him, and our hands collided as we both attempted to push my jeans down. I groaned with relief as my erection lifted, freed from its cotton prison. His fingers closed around my shaft, rolling the foreskin back. My 19

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pelvis surged against him as arousal spiked through me. The breath clogged in my throat as the heat of his mouth enveloped me. His free hand slipped under my ass, a single finger teasing sensitive skin and pressing through the tight ring of muscle. My usual protest at being touched there by a lover I didn’t know well evaporated on the wave of fresh sweat that prickled over my skin. I wiggled, trying to get my pants the rest of the way off, which had the inadvertent effect of aiding that busy finger beneath me. I moaned and squirmed harder. Shane smacked my hip as his gaze slammed into mine across the planes of my torso. Obedient, I stopped moving, and thinking. All that mattered were the building sensations increasing in my groin. His slow hand and soft lips moved over me in tandem, deliberate in their purpose. I watched the rise and fall of his dark head taking my cock deep, then pulling back. Shane’s pink tongue flicked around the rim, over the glans, then he took me in again. Over and over he did that until my thighs tensed and my balls drew up close to my body. The climax coiled in my belly, waiting, wanting release, and then it happened. That finger inside me pressed deeper, and heat shot up my spine. I fell into velvet darkness, floating where there was no air, no light, only the bliss radiating out from under Shane’s caress. He stayed with me as I shot into his mouth, neither asking for nor giving any quarter. Awareness seeped back into me, and I looked down. Shane’s cheek rested on my thigh, his hand gently milking my softening flesh to give up those last few pearly drops to lay glistening on my belly. I stroked his hair, and his eyes opened. He kissed my penis and rolled away. I protested, but then he grabbed my jeans and pulled them the rest of the way off me 20

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before stepping out of his own pants. He stood beside the bed, stroking his erection and looking worried. “We can stop right now, Van. It’s your call.” “Come here, Shane.” I held out my hand to him, and he came down into my arms. I kissed him, and he relaxed against me as I coaxed him to inch closer. Shane ended the kiss and rested his forehead to mine. I ran my hand down his side, my fingertips drinking in the smooth texture of his skin, as the echoes of the orgasm bounced off my aching heart. I’d shut down emotionally after Lynn. Now the knowledge of what sparked between us crashed around inside me, clashing with the voice of reason that warned me whatever I had with Shane, it would only be for the summer. It was a bitter pill to swallow. “You didn’t bring it up, but I’m HIV negative. I wouldn’t have let you give me that incredible, fantastic, wonderful, and very thorough blow job if I wasn’t.” His frame shook with silent laughter. “So, you liked it, did you? That’s good.” “What’s your status, Shane? Do you know?” He looked at me, his expression guarded. “I’m due a test, but I don’t anticipate any problems. I’m careful, but let me say again, if you want to stop, just say the word.” I didn’t want to leave him hanging. I wanted to hear the sounds he made as he came, watch the pleasure take him, and know I’d sent him there. He hesitated just enough that I knew he meant what he said about keeping tonight simple. I thought more of him because of it. I skimmed my fingertips along the dark crevice between his muscled buttocks. “Are you okay with a hand job? If you want a 21

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little more than that, suit up.” “That’s good, Van. Honest.” His hand cupped my ass. “Just kiss me.” I levered up on my elbow, and he rolled to his back as I kissed his eyes, his cheeks, and finally his lips. My palm slid down across his tense, toned belly, covering his hand as he stroked his cock. Determined to touch him, to feel the silky skin that covered his steel, I nudged his hand away and took over the movement. I shivered as his tongue swept seductively over mine, calling me to him. My flesh answered his call, swelling full and ready again and surprising me with the strength of renewed desire. I flexed my pelvis to his thigh, letting him feel that I was hard again. His lips turned hungry against mine, seeking more. The tension flowed into him as his breathing grew ragged. The condom was there, within reach. I tongued his ear, then whispered to him, “Shane, say the word and I’ll get the condom.” He shook head. “No. Not…now.” My mouth locked to his in an endless kiss as my fingers fondled him. I sensed him reach for the pleasure as urgent groans rumbled in his throat. His fingers covered mine. He moaned, a low sound of profound relief as his shoulders rose off the bed and semen splashed across his chest. He went so totally limp it surprised me. I wanted him, but he suddenly looked exhausted, dark smudges appearing under his eyes so fast the makeup department could have put them there. I kissed him again, which didn’t help me get a grip on my libido. His lack of response did. I took a deep breath and worked on settling down instead of being greedy and jerking off all over him. I didn’t want him to think I was a sex pig or anything. “Hey, babe. Are you still awake?” 22

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His left eyelid opened. “Well, yeah. I still have coffee to drink.” I made a rude noise at him. “Go start the shower. I’ll be there in a moment.” “Well, let me up, babe.” I didn’t want to let go of him, not even for a few minutes. I wanted to hold him, but we were both sticky, and I didn’t know if he was spending the night or not. Groaning, I sat up. Shane climbed to his feet and stretched. I admired his body, the strong line of his spine, the flex of his muscles. He saw me ogling him and shook his head, rolled his eyes, then padded off to the bathroom. I stayed where I was until the sound of the water hitting the tiles changed, indicating he was under the spray. By the time I stepped in behind him, he’d rinsed and so he stepped out to give me room in the small space. I met his gaze in the steam-fogged mirror. Now that we’d satisfied our natural curiosity about each other, he was leaving. Disappointment settled around my heart and I couldn’t shake it off. “You’re not staying, are you?” “No. I’ll tell you all about it later, but I need to make sure my father gets his medications in the morning.” I couldn’t whine or complain, or ask him to stay. One trick gave me no rights to any part of his life. I put on my best smile, and held my hand out for a towel. *

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No one warned this city boy that early spring mornings in the mountains were so chilly. I darted from my warm bed, turned up the heat, and hopped in the shower to get warm. Hopefully, the 23

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steam would help heat up the room. It worked, to some extent. I dried off with the plain white towels supplied. Still clammy, I crawled back between the sheets to finish the drying process. I hoped to find better linens at the ski lodge next month, but “rustic” rang in my memory like a tolling bell. My indulgent lifestyle spoiled me, no doubt about it. If I didn’t crave performing so intensely, I wouldn’t be out here in the woods, freezing my transplanted Scottish arse off. Or maybe I’d be breathing the nasty fresh air, regardless. Not that I was penniless, but Lynn had wiped out those bank accounts he had access to on his way out of my life. I had a very expensive attorney working on getting the money back, but I didn’t hold out much hope. I needed to work to recoup those losses. My ex-lover possessed the peculiar cunning of the irrational. Too bad for me he’d hidden it so well until it was too late. I was guilty of exactly what he accused me of. I’d neglected him in favor of my career. Had I paid closer attention, I’d have realized the depth of his anger. Lynn dealt me an expensive lesson. The room still seemed cold to me even though the heater fan whirred and wheezed in its housing. I craved coffee, but I wasn’t ready to put my warm feet back on the cold floor. I nestled deeper under the covers and cupped my genitals. I rolled my foreskin back, then pinched it over the glans, absorbing the familiar sensation, welcoming the prickling wave that flowed up the back of my thighs and across my buttocks. My penis swelled, lengthened. I closed my eyes and tried to forget I was in a mid-level motel room with rough sheets and a piss-poor excuse for a heater. That became easier as my erection completed. Using my middle finger and thumb, I kept the touch light, the stroke short. Little jolts of growing arousal spiked through my 24

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belly. The pleasure built at the base of my spine. Shane’s face rose up above me, taunting me. My sphincter twitched; my balls drew up close. The breath left my lungs in a long groan. I could almost feel my knees gripping his sides, and his weight pinning me to the bed. Sweat broke out under my arms and on my chest. My thighs tensed. I couldn’t breathe, and the world hazed black around me. Delicious heat flashed up my backbone as I climaxed, the hot semen filling my hand. Panting, I floated back to awareness, lying still and limp, and in no way truly sated. Where had that bit of fantasy come from? I hadn’t bottomed since I was with my first lover, an older man who had taught me plenty. But he’d often been too rough, and I developed an aversion to taking it up the ass and never allowed subsequent lovers to have me that way. I first laid eyes on Shane twelve hours ago and already I fantasized about letting him fuck me? I needed to think about where that came from. My therapist would probably say some crap like I was coming to terms that I couldn’t control everything in my life. More likely, my hedonist nature wanted me to admit that my instincts, honed by years of cruising men, said young Shane Hollister knew his way around the bedroom and I’d barely tapped that knowledge last night. I snorted and tossed the covers off, cursing under my breath at the chilly temperature of the bathroom floor. I held a washcloth under running hot water, wrung it out, and tidied up the sticky equipment. I debated shaving, which I hated to do, and decided the scruff looked fine for breakfast in St. Charles. Still cold in spite of all my machinations to get warm, I dressed in record speed. Boots in hand, I perched on the edge of the bed to pull them on. A soft tap-tap-tap sounded on the door. My pulse quickened with 25

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hope. Who knew I was in this room? Only four people. I knew my agent wouldn’t be out of bed yet, and I doubted Phil or Bob would pay me a private visit. I opened the door. Shane held up two steaming Styrofoam cups. In the morning light, his blue eyes contained symmetrical lines and flecks of a darker gray. “Coffee?” I stepped back and motioned for him to come inside, accepting the cup he held out to me. “Lord, yes. Thank you.” I sniffed the pungent aroma. He’d brought the good stuff. Shane eased his sexy frame down in the only chair, his gaze taking in the rumpled sheet, complete with damp spot. His nostrils twitched, and I knew he detected the lingering scent of ejaculate. His gaze flicked to mine. I grinned at him as I reclaimed my spot on the bed. At least he didn’t warn me about ruining my eyesight. Shane fished a few packets of sugar out of his jacket pocket. I shook my head. “I like it black.” I peeled the lid off the container and risked a sip. It was still too hot, so I set it on the nightstand and watched him watch me over the rim of his cup. “I brought coffee, but I’d like to take you to breakfast at the ski lodge, Van. On the expense account, of course. ” “Okay. I do want to check out the place and see if it’s my definition of ‘rustic’ or worse.” I pulled on my right boot and reached for the left. “It might be good if I drop off the signed contract on the way.” “Phil will be ecstatic. He’s got all your movies on disc. I bet he whined for a week when you moved to live theater.” I set my left foot down, stomping on the boot heel to settle the fit. “Hollywood doesn’t always appreciate the middle-aged. The writing was on the wall that forty was fatal for my career. At least I 26

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saw it coming and made a few plans. Luckily, Broadway thrives on experience.” My hope that Shane would take the opening to tell me how he landed the Heartland job as a virtual unknown faded as he stood. “We can drink our coffee in Dad’s truck. Lord knows another spill won’t make any difference on those seats.” He lifted my jacket off the back of the chair and held it for me. I rolled to my feet and slipped my hands into the sleeves. Shane slid the coat up to my shoulders and let it fall into place. I turned and reached for him. His arms slid around my waist. Shane cocked his head and glanced at the bed. “I’m not in any hurry this morning.” That made me laugh again, which brought another grin to his face. God, I loved the easy way he smiled. I slid my hands up under his jacket, over the warmth of his torso, and asked him the question that had kept me awake long after he left last night. “So, are we gonna have a summer thing, Shane Hollister?” Those smoky eyes said yes, and, for the first time in my life, I understood how the moth feels when confronted with a flame. “We’ll see, just as soon as you get back here to start work.” I had to return to the city and wrap up a few things. It was going to be a long month, but the get-reacquainted sex would be mind-blowing. I ran my thumb across his lips. “When I get back, then.” Behind him, the door opened, and Constance cleared her throat. I looked at Shane and sighed. “We’re busted.”

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CHAPTER 4 One month later… I never liked to fly, and for the first time ever, I arrived early at Newark Airport, anxious for my return to St. Charles after a month back in the city. I called Shane to ask him to pick me up at the Harrisburg airport. He agreed, but only on the condition my agent wouldn’t be with me this time. My regret from my first meeting with Shane was that Constance had chosen that day, that moment, to prove she could move before warmed by the noon sun had grown by the hour. She’d not been pleased when she walked in on Shane and me, and stuck to me like glue until we left St. Charles. I’d not managed to get him alone for a goodbye kiss. 28

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For some reason, she believed I had been about to land myself in big trouble. And she was right. She wasn’t traveling with me now, and I probably wouldn’t see her for a month. Constance had to find me a few appropriate opportunities for after Sumner’s Garden. I tried not to get my hopes up, but by October, those revealing pictures splashed across the Internet should be a faded memory. It remained to be seen whether or not I was considered “bankable” now that I was out of the closet. My nervousness took hold again as the plane began its descent. Shane and I had burned a lot of cell phone minutes this past month, mostly talking about the theater—on Broadway and at The Globe in the Grove. By some unspoken agreement, we saved most of the personal stuff for my return to St. Charles, but I did learn he was the youngest of four children, and the only son, which probably accounted for his warm, sunny disposition. He already knew a lot about me, things I wished he didn’t, but there was no help for it. My name was all over the Internet for anyone who could almost spell Donovan MacKenzie and type it into a search engine. His youthful humor and dry, biting wit both charmed and impressed me, but those blasted text messages left me frustrated. I wanted to hear his voice, damn it. I chalked it up to the insane infatuation guys his age have with gadgetry. In my day, a car phone with a cord was a big deal. The toys were much nicer now, so why shouldn’t he enjoy them? Yet, this past week, Shane hadn’t called, or even sent a text message. I hoped it meant he was busy on the Sumner’s Garden pre-production and preparing for the personnel meeting tomorrow. 29

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When I called him yesterday to ask if he could meet me at the airport, the hitch in his voice had kept me fidgety all night. I grabbed my briefcase and disembarked, hustling through the terminal to find Shane. I spotted him standing by the large windows, gazing out at the tarmac. The sunlight framed him as it gave his dark hair a bright halo. God, he was gorgeous, so long and lean, seamlessly put together without the angular lines of so many tall men. Walking up beside him, I draped my arm across his shoulders, straight-guy like. He jumped, then nervously pulled away. I chalked his skittishness up to being in a public place. “Damn. You’re here already. Where’s your luggage?” “No luggage. I already shipped a few things to the lodge by parcel post. I need to catch the commuter flight back home Sunday or Monday and pick up my car at the repair shop. I’ll load the trunk with the remainder of what I want here before I drive back.” He seemed tense, not the easygoing young man I’d met a month ago. I squeezed him in a brief, one-armed hug, then let him go, hoping he’d relax on the drive to the resort. Shane ushered me toward the exit. “I wondered why you didn’t drive. You’re going to be here six months. A vehicle is a necessity in this area.” I held the door for him. “My car started to leak gas. Weird, ’cause it’s only a year old. My mechanic agreed it’s strange, but he said it’s easy to fix. Thing is, he has to drain the fuel system and proceed with caution or risk kaboom. I told him to take his time, if you know what I mean.” We darted across the access road to the parking lot to his midnight blue Pontiac. A youngish blond fellow lounged casually against the door, straightening as we approached. 30

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“Van, this is a friend of mine from New York, Doug Talbert. Doug, this is Donovan MacKenzie.” Double damn. This explained his silence this past week. He was entertaining a man. I held my hand out and greeted Doug with a firm handshake. The boy gushed at me until Shane punched his shoulder. “Don’t embarrass him, Doug. I need him humble for the personnel meeting tomorrow.” I laughed. Humble was not something I’d been called during my career. Doug opened the car door for me, then climbed in the back. Shane slid behind the wheel, and we were underway, chatting about the Big Apple during the drive to St. Charles. We were almost there when Shane glanced at me, then refocused on the road ahead. “I hope you don’t mind, Van, but I reserved one of the cabins for you. It’s just as nice as the rooms. In fact, the cabin is just like the suites on the inside, but you’ll have a lot more privacy when you come and go.” I shrugged. “Honestly, that’s fine with me. I do worry about paparazzi showing up and making a nuisance for the resort.” “Since you don’t have a car here yet, I’ll give you the keys to this one.” He slowed and pointed at a shopping center on the outskirts of town. “You might want to check out the coffee shop in there.” We passed the motel where I’d stayed last month. “Okay, I think I have my bearings. The Globe is down that way.” I pointed, and he confirmed. Less than two miles farther along, I spied the sign for the ski resort. Shane steered the car through the main gate and made a right, following a long, winding, tree-lined road. We passed 31

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several quaint cabins before the car glided to a stop in front of one set further back off the lane than most. A little red car with a New York registration plate sat in front. I assumed it belonged to Doug since Shane had offered me his Pontiac. The cabin had a rustic but charming exterior, with a deep front porch that held two rocking chairs. I had a vision of sitting there with Shane, enjoying a cup of coffee or a nightcap, but I let it go. Something heavy vibed between Shane and this Doug fellow. My fantasies about a summer romance faded. I should be happy for him that he’d found someone. Heck, maybe I would, too. I snapped back to attention as Shane handed me the keys to the cabin and his car. “Do you need help getting settled in?” I grunted as I worked the keys onto my key ring. “I think I can handle my briefcase all by myself. Thanks for picking me up and for the loan of the car. I owe you.” Shane met my gaze, and I saw regret there. “You’re welcome. Call me if you need anything. I’ll make myself available.” I nodded and climbed out of the car. Doug fawned over me a bit more, then unlocked his car and slid behind the wheel. Shane paused a moment too long, his unhappy gaze giving me no real clue to what he thought, then he got in the car with his friend and slammed the door closed. Doug wasted no time in putting the little street rod in gear and zooming away. I sighed and made my way inside. Alone. I guess I was the only one who felt the weird blue lightning strike the bed last month. Shane had moved on. The interior of the cabin was open and roomy, maybe eight hundred square feet, with a lot of light from a pair of large windows that filled the back wall. I laid my briefcase on the table 32

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and glanced around the room. There was the king-sized bed, a sitting area with a comfortably long sofa and a small fireplace. The kitchen area had a well-stocked mini-bar, a compact dinette set, a single counter with a sink, two-burner ceramic cooktop, coffee pot, and microwave. A double lavatory was in an alcove, with an open door revealing the bathroom beyond. A piece of literature about the satellite entertainment system lay on the table, and I picked it up and crossed to fireplace to investigate the first item listed. The deep picture frame over the mantle swung out from the wall, to the left, to reveal a flat-screen television. Ingenious, much like the refrigerator hidden behind what looked like a paneled door. Yes, I’d be comfortable enough living here for the next six months. I’d be lonely, too, but that couldn’t be helped. I rummaged around, found some generic ground coffee and put a pot on to brew. While I waited, I plugged in my laptop, then called the main office and requested delivery of my boxes. Had Shane known his friend was coming to St. Charles? The last time he’d called, eight days ago, he spoke quite eagerly about my impending arrival. We talked a lot of trash at each other, sexy innuendos that kept me on the edge of arousal. I didn’t remember Shane even hinting he’d become involved with anyone, and I knew he and Doug were more than friends. I wanted to be pissed off about it, but I’d lived too long not to realize that life doesn’t always flow in expected ways. Whatever brings two people together is a strange and powerful force. I’d do my best to be happy for them and not sad for myself. My cartons arrived, and I spent the next half hour unpacking. With that accomplished, I set out in the borrowed car to explore St. Charles. 33

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*

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Whoever said guys don’t like to shop didn’t know many gays. Most of my friends had no problem diving into a store and finding treasure. Neither did I. The shopping center Shane had pointed out was a tempting amalgamation of boutiques and well-known brand stores. I scored some gourmet coffee beans that the clerk ground for me, biscotti, muffins, six bottles of wine, three vanilla-scented jar candles with one of those long-nozzle lighters, and a new electric razor. I’d have enjoyed my mini-spending spree more if Shane had been with me, but he wasn’t. At the bookstore, I found some local publications, including a single sheet advertisement for the nightlife in St. Charles, complete with a map on the back. One place immediately caught my attention, so I called and made a dinner reservation. I already missed my Chelsea apartment, so a club with that name had some appeal. With time to kill, I walked up and down the mostly residential Main Street and tried not to dwell on the fact I was alone in a strange place. I was a big boy. I could entertain myself. Besides, once rehearsals for Sumner’s Garden began next Wednesday, I hoped to be too busy to worry about Shane boinking someone else. Chelsea’s Pub was a total surprise. I thought I’d stepped back in time into a Wild West saloon. Real dark oak floors and knotty pine paneling gleamed richly in the low lighting. A long, long bar, complete with huge etched mirrors for a backsplash, stretched the length of the south wall. The hostess recognized me, and I signed a napkin for her. My steak arrived about the same time the blues band started to play. 34

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The trio was pretty good, playing mostly instrumentals at an enjoyable decibel level. I sipped my Irish coffee and relaxed, at least until I spotted Shane and Doug on the other side of the dining room. I observed them openly, and they didn’t act like lovers. The fact was, I’d bet they were arguing. I thought they both looked upset. End of the romance already? Perhaps. It saddened me, for their sakes, if it was. Finding a stable relationship was a dream we all held dear, and few of us ever realized. Sometimes, in the dark of the night, I ached for someone to hold. I’d known early on my relationship with Lynn would not be for life, but I’d never dreamed he’d act with such venom as the romance faded. Hindsight being perfect, I should have ended things with him after a few weeks, but in the beginning, he was easy to get along with, and I was lonely. Shane rose and disappeared into the small hallway that led to the restrooms. For a moment, I was tempted to follow him for a few words of conversation, but I managed to rein in the impulse. In such a small town, it was inevitable that I’d run into him when I was out and about in the community. I never did see him come back into the dining area, and at the end of the band’s third set, I motioned for my waitress and settled my tab. I stepped out into the cool night air of spring and stopped dead in my tracks. Shane leaned against the fender of my borrowed car. It was his Pontiac, after all. “Can I get a ride home, Van?”

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CHAPTER 5 I couldn’t refuse him, because it was his car, but I didn’t want to land in the middle of a fight. I’d made it clear last month I wasn’t into domestic drama. “Where’s Doug?” He didn’t move, not even a shrug of his shoulders. “Doug went back to the motel.” And Shane was here, waiting for me. My heart, ever hopeful, leaped to places where my experience refused to allow me to follow. I’d rushed into too many relationships in my life, turned a few too many quick tricks. I once heard it said that if you do as you always did, you end up with what you’ve always gotten. I looked at Shane and wanted something more than a warm body in my bed. 36

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“So you thought you’d…what? See if I’m in the mood?” Shane shook his head. “No. I thought I’d see if you’d talk to me.” Spank him for messing with my head was more like it. “You could’ve told me you’d met someone, Shane. I’d have understood.” “It’s not like that now, Van. Yeah, about a year ago, Doug and I did have a little thing, or whatever, but we’re better as friends. That’s all we’ll ever be and that’s what he’s here as.” “Friends are nice to have. I’ll take you home, but not to my cabin.” He nodded and reached into his pocket. He must have had his remote entry because the door locks popped open. “I didn’t want to get in the car and scare the shit out you.” “Thanks. I appreciate that.” I settled in the driver’s seat. “Nice car, by the way.” “Yeah, I like it. You wanna stop and get a cup of coffee?” I unclenched my teeth to answer him. “No.” “Please don’t be pissed at me. I didn’t ask Doug to show up on my doorstep. I really want to spend the summer with you.” He sounded sincere and sad, and I almost believed him. I might have if he’d added Doug was leaving for good in the morning, but he didn’t. In my heart, I knew I’d better keep my focus on getting my career back on track. I didn’t need to get mixed up with a man at least a dozen years my junior just to have a fuck buddy for the summer. “I think it’s best if we concentrate on Sumner’s Garden and that’s all.” He didn’t talk after that, except to tell me where to turn. I 37

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dropped him off in the middle of a quiet, dark neighborhood, and watched him unlock the front door of a brick Cape Cod. As soon as he was safely inside, I drove away to find my own solitary bed. *

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I didn’t sleep well and blamed being in an unfamiliar place with, to a city boy, all the eerie quiet surrounding me. The sounds of my Chelsea neighborhood, a backdrop to my life, were absent. I dreamed I suddenly became unable to hear and woke sweating. I showered and dressed, then took my coffee and muffin to the table to check my email. I wished I hadn’t. Constance was doing her job—I couldn’t fault her for that—but I’d hoped she’d think it too soon to announce I was doing summer stock out in the boonies. I wanted to avoid the tabloids snooping around as long as possible. She’d drawn a bull’s-eye on sleepy St. Charles. I zipped her off an email asking her to keep my activities low profile until the production opened next month. I expected her to ignore me. The all-cast-and-crew personnel meeting started at ten o’clock and lasted past noon. I left the briefing with increased respect for Phil, Bob, and everyone else connected with The Globe. My production notebook rivaled any I’d ever received for a Broadway show. Work on Sumner’s Garden had begun well over a year ago, and I was the last person brought onboard. Of course, I had the least to do, production-wise. Basically, I had to learn my lines, hit my marks, and be the lead performer, something I had a lot of practice doing. Shane was late, slipping in quietly and taking the seat next to 38

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mine. He looked bad, like he hadn’t slept. I couldn’t let that matter. I had a job to do and made it a point not to press against his knee beneath the table. His notebook was a lot bigger than mine, fairly bulging with information, and I peeked shamelessly as he gave his report. Several of the volunteers at the meeting already had bits of the sets constructed, and we passed snapshots around the table. I was impressed with the relaxed, yet businesslike atmosphere everyone created. Bob handed out the latest revised script and told us to report for the first rehearsal Wednesday at seven o’clock. In the morning. I groaned inwardly at the early hour. I’d hoped life in the country would allow me the luxury of sleeping later every day. As the meeting adjourned, Phil motioned for Bob, Shane, and me to stay in our seats. We had a short chat, and I reassured them my accommodations were more than acceptable. I also gave them the heads-up on the press release. They’d seen it and didn’t seem concerned about the paparazzi landing in quiet St. Charles. I didn’t share their attitude, but silenced my fears. They were right. Ultimately, we had little control if mayhem ensued. Our business concluded, I told them they’d see me Wednesday and excused myself. When I stepped out of the men’s room, Shane waited for me. His drawn, pale face and the dark smudges under his eyes made me pause. “You look like hell.” “I feel like hell. I don’t know how to make things right with you if you won’t believe me.” “I believe you, Shane. You said you didn’t know he was coming here. Well, okay, people surprise us. I know that. But he is 39

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here, and you are involved with him, and I can’t afford the distraction.” That wasn’t what I wanted to say to him. It wasn’t even close. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him to send Doug packing. I needed him to prove to me he wasn’t planning to fuck me and any other guy at the same time. But one night with him didn’t give me the right. He nodded, his eyes sad. “I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry, Van.” The ice around my heart cracked. I managed a smile for him. “I’m sorry, too.” Shane reached out and smoothed the lapel of my jacket, although it didn’t need it. This might be as close as I ever got to him again. God help me, but I couldn’t walk away without touching him one more time. I grasped his hips and pulled him, unresisting, to me. His arms snaked up around my neck, holding me with his fierce, young strength. We pressed together, chest-to-chest and thigh-to-thigh. I breathed in his scent and kissed his hair, committing the feel of him to memory, then I gently pulled away. “I’m flying back to the city tomorrow, then driving my own car back on Tuesday. I’ll put the key under the mat and leave your car at the cabin since you have your keyless entry.” His hands came to rest on my shoulders. “How are you getting to the airport?” “I cut a deal with a kid who works at the resort. He’s agreed to be my go-fer when I need one, provided he’s off-shift.” Shane accepted that, nodding, his gaze somewhere past me. I was poignantly reminded of his youth. Would he listen to my advice? 40

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“Shane, if you have any doubts about Doug, do yourself and him a favor, and end it. I didn’t do that with Lynn and I paid a high price for it.” “It’s not like that, man! I told you. I don’t sleep with him any more. That’s in the past. We’re just friends now.” “Lots of things are in the past,” I told him as gently as I could. It was all over him that he wanted to argue with me, but his shoulders slumped, and his eyes had a vacant look to them. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed not to touch him again. “Shane, what’s really wrong?” “Nothing. You don’t want anything to do with me. Well, okay, I’ll get over it.” With that, he turned and walked away, his long strides quickly putting a lot of distance between us. I watched him go with a sinking feeling in my gut. I’d bungled that, and badly. Maybe in a few days I could approach him and offer an olive branch. I’d like to be his friend if he could handle it, but I wasn’t sure he could. I wished it didn’t, but it hurt to let him go. There was nothing left for me to do but go back to the cabin and start studying the script, so I did. Learning new lines came easily to me. It should, considering I’d been doing it for twenty-five years. With the arrival of laptop computers and voice recognition software, I’d developed a method that allowed me to work alone, without a reader or coach. I put on the headset and read my lines. Like magic, the words appeared on the screen. With that done, I started the process of memorization. I’d read and practice a bit, then put the headset on and speak, letting the words flow into a new document. By comparing the two, it was easy to see how well I was doing. The afternoon edged toward evening before I grew too mentally fatigued to continue. I’d made good progress and decided to treat myself to room 41

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service, a long, hot soak in the tub, and an early bedtime. A good plan for an evening alone, but I was too restless to enjoy it. My mind kept replaying the scene with Shane, attempting to find a way to salvage at least his friendship. My dinner was a perfectly baked and delicious lemon pepper haddock. I opened one of the white wines to go with it and limited myself to two glasses. I counted on the wine and the hot bathwater to help me sleep, and I was sleepy right up to the moment my head hit the pillow. I closed my eyes and a Technicolor movie of my life reeled out in the darkness. I’d always wanted to be an actor, and my looks had gotten me there. I auditioned for a director who recognized I was gay when I barely had a name for how I felt. I was lucky. He befriended me, at least until my eighteenth birthday, after which time I shared his bed. He taught me a lot about being gay, and a gay man, in Hollywood. Somewhere around the time I turned twenty-three, I realized I was too old for his preferences, and we both moved on. By then, I had established myself as a bankable talent. I became a headliner four years later. My star power lasted ten years until the best parts began to go other talent. It was a good run, but the writing was on the wall that I had to look at other venues and accept secondary roles to keep working. I wasn’t bitter. I knew how the system worked. I was careful to keep my sexual orientation private, but people caught on. When I met Lynn, he moved in with me, and the studios and producers took notice. Nearing my fortieth birthday, I’d refused to let it worry me. I was old enough to live the way I wanted to live. Then Lynn exacted his revenge, but life went on and I met someone I was incredibly attracted to in the person of Shane 42

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Hollister. And somehow, I’d fucked it up. Again. He said he and Doug were no longer lovers. Was it fair to him not to give him the benefit of the doubt? I’d taken him home after he’d said his friend was at the motel. I wanted the chance to be with him this summer. Spending some time together while Sumner’s Garden had its run wasn’t making a life commitment. Why did I suddenly behave as if it was? I had a choice. I could lie here in the dark and feel sorry for myself, or I could call him and eat crow. It was only ten-thirty. My heart beat in a strange, erratic rhythm as I picked up my cell phone and scrolled to his number. It was the wrong choice. I snapped the phone closed and settled in for a long night.

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CHAPTER 6 My trip home brought to light an unsettling fact: someone had tampered with my car. I blamed myself for parking it on the street against my mechanic’s warnings. Apparently, auto part thieves abounded these days and the catalytic converter was a prime target. He surmised crooks had targeted my vehicle and been interrupted, damaging the fuel line in their haste to flee. It sounded plausible. I paid the repair bill and counted myself lucky no one had been injured, namely me. At loose ends, I called a friend and invited him to dinner. We met at a popular, dimly lit restaurant on 52nd Street. A few heads turned as we walked in, recognition mixing with surprise in their curious gazes. I smiled and nodded, praying with every step that I wouldn’t have to spend the next thirty minutes signing 44

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autographs. The rich mélange of steaks grilling, vegetables cooking, and desserts baking had my stomach eager for food. I was approached for an autograph after we were seated. I signed the girl’s placemat and posed for a picture with her. I wasn’t too upset at the intrusion. It made for happy fans. That opened the floor gates. Cameras and cell phones buzzed, flashed, and clicked all around me, then the room returned to normal, and I was able to eat my steak in relative peace. I hailed a cab and went home, alone. The next morning, the tabloids had my friend’s face splashed on the front page, calling him “Donny’s Mystery Man.” God, I hated being called “Donny.” His partner reassured me the headlines would soon be forgotten and laughed the whole thing off. I was less sanguine about that, and my return to St. Charles bore out my instincts. All conversation stopped when I stepped into the grand foyer of The Globe on Wednesday morning, my briefcase slung over my shoulder. Across the silent room, Shane’s accusatory gaze slammed into mine. I walked up to Phil and apologized as he handed me a cup of black coffee. “I’m sorry about those photos, Phil. It was naïve of me to think I could go out to dinner with a friend and not be spotted.” “It’s not all bad. Some of the press mentioned you were here for the summer. I’ll never turn down free advertising.” “Thanks for being so understanding. I really do not want to do anything to embarrass The Globe.” Phil smiled. “You’re not. We know every move you make will be scrutinized and you’ll be professional about it. Now, you’d better grab one of the raspberry Danish while they last.” With that, he clapped me on the back and returned to working 45

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the room. I didn’t want a Danish, raspberry or any other flavor, and looked for something that wouldn’t make my jeans too tight at the waist. My resolve folded when I spotted the lox and I cheerfully smeared a generous amount on a plain bagel. My common sense warred with itself over my need to say something to Shane. If the obvious pain in his angry gaze was any indication, he’d seen the tabloids, and I’d come out on the short end of his opinions. He stood with a motley-looking group dressed in work clothes. I assumed they were his volunteer carpenters and set builders. Shane handed out folders as I approached. “Work assignments have been updated. Sheila, you’ve got the biggest change. It’s in act two, but don’t panic. Phil has allocated funds for you to do a little shopping.” He looked at me. “Everyone, this is Donovan MacKenzie.” They greeted me warmly, shaking my hand and shyly asking for photographs. I stalled them. “Let’s wait until after the work day is over, then I’m all yours. We don’t want to annoy Mr. Hollister by shirking our duties.” Mr. Hollister was already annoyed, and they knew it. Shane clapped his hands twice. “He’s right, people. Let’s get moving. A lot of you took off work today, so let’s cover as much territory as possible and not waste your personal leave time.” They scattered like dandelion seeds on the wind, leaving Shane and me staring at each other—me uneasy, and him angry. His anger found words. “You condemn me for having a friend visit, but then run right straight back to New York to yours. Good going, Donovan.” “I don’t trick my friends.” A flush spread slowly up his neck. “Okay, so some of the guys 46

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I’ve had sex with first, later became my friends. Big deal. Lovers are a dime a dozen. Friends aren’t.” “Exactly. And the man I was photographed with is a friend. I apologized to Phil for the gossip rag headlines, and now let me tell you. I’m sorry, Shane.” “Yeah, sure. Sorry your little rendezvous became public knowledge. I get it, Van. I really do. We’re done here. Now don’t you have work to do?” Continuing the conversation was impossible. “I hope we can get along better than this, Shane. And yes, I’ve got work. If you want to talk this out, you call me.” I turned and walked away from him, the sadness inside me growing. So many “maybes,” and I had little hope for any of them. I tossed what was left of my bagel in the trash and arrived early for the director’s meeting. Bob waved off my apology, echoing Phil’s sentiment that all free publicity was good. My co-star Tim Jennings arrived, and we sat in the orchestra pit and got acquainted. We liked each other instantly. Sumner’s Garden was a story about a man on the cusp of middle age, embittered by the rejection of his father and the failures of his life. It wasn’t a new theme, not by any stretch of the imagination, but the dialogue was a brilliantly written mix of wit, irony, and realism. Sumner, played by Tim, was an older man who advertises for a handy-man/gardener type. My character, Andy Pulaski, applies for the job. In the course of the summer, as the carefully tended garden grows, Sumner guides Andy through an emotional reckoning with his life. There were moments I hoped to avoid sobbing my way through, and an equal amount of lines I prayed I didn’t piss myself 47

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laughing as Tim delivered them. Bob ran a tight meeting. I was pleased enough with the schedule. Sumner’s Garden would be on stage Tuesday, Thursday and Friday evenings, and Sunday afternoons, from May through September. General cast gatherings would be late on Monday afternoons, immediately after those people who worked regular jobs got off work. Business concluded, we did a complete readthrough of the play. At two o’clock, Bob cut everyone loose. Since Tim was retired, Bob allowed us to set our own rehearsal time for tomorrow, as long as we reported by eight o’clock. In the morning. Yes, life in the country was a brave new world for me. I shoved my script, schedules, and other assorted papers into my briefcase and looked around for Shane. I was alone in the theater. I found a spot about twenty rows back, center stage, and scrunched down in the seat. What had the place looked like back then through a younger Shane’s eyes? It was hard for me to imagine. My first love was the silver screen and the love of live theater came much later in my life. Awareness that I was no longer alone crept down my spine. My heart raced on a wave of foolish hope. I turned and started to sweat. Would we argue again? “Shane.” “Van.” I shifted in my seat, facing forward again as my ears strained to catch sounds of his movements. My whole being stretched toward him as he settled in the seat behind me. “I don’t want…” “Listen, Van…” He squeezed my shoulder. “Let me talk, but just don’t turn around. Please.” I nodded and took a quick breath. 48

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“I’m sorry for acting like a shit. Doug showing up here…well, it sorta threw me off balance. I was…upset, and I didn’t react well to him, or to you. Can we…will you have dinner with me? Just dinner. So we can maybe get back on the same page with each other. If you need to think about it, that’s okay.” “I don’t need to think about it, Shane. Call me when Doug’s gone, and we’ll set a date.” “He’s gone. He left Sunday evening.” Just dinner. That was about all my pounding heart could handle, and I knew it. “Then I’d love to have dinner with you, tonight if that’s not rushing it.” “No, it’s not.” His hand came to rest on my shoulder again. The skin on the back of my neck prickled at the strain in his voice. “We really need to talk, and I don’t know where to start.” “At the beginning?” Shane laughed, or choked, or coughed, or all three at once, it was hard to tell for sure. I couldn’t sit still any longer. I needed to touch him, so I hopped over the back of my seat and sank down beside him. He reached for me, and I wrapped my arms around him and prayed neither Phil nor Bob nor anyone else was still inside The Globe. I quickly forgot to care as I realized Shane struggled to breathe, his face pressed against my neck. “Hey, babe, what is wrong? Tell me.” “I’m in the clear…you have to know that first.” My entire body went cold, then flushed hot, only to freeze again. The bottom dropped out of my stomach, and the world took a dizzying spin. “What do you mean, Shane?” He fought for breath to speak, and I didn’t rush him. “I’m HIV negative, okay?” Dear God. I held him tighter as knowledge, sure as if he’d 49

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already told me, crashed into place. “Hell, yes, that’s okay. But…Doug? That’s why he was here? Was he positive when you and he…” “Yeah.” During our one night together, he’d confessed to being unsure about his status. Had he suspected he might be infected? I swallowed the hot burst of anger that swelled in my chest. He said he was negative now. His doubts of a month ago hardly mattered at this moment. “When did you get your test results?” “About two hours ago.” “Jeez, Shane, that’s enough to bring any man to his knees.” I cradled the back of his head, torn between the need to comfort him and the need to get the hell out of the theater. “Let’s go to my cabin. I’ll fix you a cup of tea or something.” He almost laughed. “What? You don’t have any good drugs?” “Joke all you want, babe. If you’ve spent the last days waiting for those test results, you’ve earned it.” I let go of him long enough to fish a wad of unused napkins from an outside pocket of my briefcase. “Here. Blow your nose, and let’s get going before someone sees us and gets nosy.” Shane did as ordered, then took a deep breath. “Thanks. I guess you think I’m a pain in the ass.” “I’ve been told the good ones always are.” I patted his knee, then stood and held my hand out to him. He grasped it firmly, and I pulled him to his feet. “Are you fit to drive?” He nodded, and I believed him. With the resilience of a young man, it appeared he’d bounced back to near normal following the release of pent-up emotions. I envied him. Perhaps I’d indulge in a primal scream, or three, once I’d reached the privacy of my car. 50

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“You go on, Van. I have to lock up.” I didn’t want to leave him, not now we’d been able to weave such fragile threads of understanding around us again. But I knew he took his responsibilities at The Globe seriously, so I smiled for him and grabbed my briefcase. By the time I reached my car, my knees quivered so badly I practically fell into it. Would he have told me if he’d tested HIV positive? I liked to think he would have done the right thing. We’d been careful enough, although not in the strictest of safe sex practices. And what of those lovers he’d had since Doug? If the results had been different, would he be able to contact them? The speculation was pointless and only served to further fray my nerves. It was my mind’s way of turning me away from something I needed to examine, and soon—the strength of my attraction to Shane Hollister. I’d lost two close friends to AIDS. I’d cried with them when they got the diagnosis and I’d cried when they’d passed. I’d been angry, too. I was still angry. I closed my car door and let my head fall back against the seat, suddenly exhausted, my joints weak with relief I wouldn’t need to mourn that beautiful young man. It took me a few moments to stop shaking and start the car. Shane wanted to take me to dinner. I wanted to take him to bed. More than that, I wanted him in my life. Was I a fool to hope we’d work it out?

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CHAPTER 7 I arrived at my summer digs to find Shane sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, his briefcase propped against the door. It didn’t surprise me he’d arrived before me. It had taken me a while to start my car and get moving. I dropped my briefcase beside his before sinking down in the other rocker with a weary sigh. He reached over and took my hand. “I’m sorry, Van.” I sighed as I linked my fingers through his. I didn’t need to dredge up my hurt and anger over the last few days again. I was a firm believer in letting go of the hurts of the past, as much as possible, and moving forward. It seemed to me a saner way to live. “Stop saying that, babe. You’re healthy. Everything else pales in comparison.” 52

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His chair started to rock slowly. I tried not to smile as I moved my chair, synchronizing the motion with him. Shane grinned at me. In the afternoon light, I noticed the dark smudges beneath his eyes. I squeezed his hand. “Steak. I want a nice, thick steak for dinner.” “Red meat is bad for you, you know?” “Beat me, Shane.” He let out a long, exaggerated sigh. “You’d like it way too much. Okay. I know just where to go.” Shane fished his cell phone out of his pocket and pressed a button. I listened quietly as he made an early reservation for two. “That must be a good place if you have it on speed dial.” “Bite me, Van. Tell me you have something non-alcoholic here to drink.” “If my go-fer did his job, I’ve got some ginger ale. Why don’t you keep rocking, and I’ll go see.” Shane nodded, and I rolled to my feet with the motion of my chair. I leaned over him and kissed him. Warned by an inner voice, I didn’t linger at his lips, even after I tasted his hope. We were both on edge, unsure of what to say to each other. I unlocked the door and took both briefcases inside. His was heavy, packed solid, and I suspected his laptop was inside. I laid both of them on the table beside my shopping list and a receipt. My helper had gotten all but one item on my list, but he’d scribbled a note he’d get that as soon as possible. I was pleased at his diligence and decided to slip him a bigger tip. I poured two ginger ales and took them outside. The corner of Shane’s mouth twitched as I approached, but he didn’t open his eyes. I placed a glass in his open hand and sat in my rocker. “I guess you’ve not been sleeping too well.” 53

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He turned his head and looked at me with wary eyes. “You guess correctly. Do you need to know I spent a night with Doug in his motel room? With my pants on, I swear.” “No, I don’t need to know.” But I was certainly glad he told me. “Well, then, I won’t find it necessary to tell you he needed a friend and a shoulder.” “I should think he would. I’m glad he was man enough to come tell you.” “Yeah, so am I, but now I don’t know what to do for him.” The best thing he could do right now was the hardest. I knew because I’d been there. It ripped open a man’s guts to know all he could do was stand beside a friend, sometimes unable to do more than watch when the world unraveled. Later, the time might come to do more. “Keep being his friend, Shane, even if it gets difficult.” “I’ve got that part covered. Are you pissed at me?” “No, babe, I’m not. I was actually more confused than angry. Things make a lot of sense to me now I know you weren’t jerking me around.” “Can we still have the summer?” My heart pounded with a wild hope. I’d never been the older man in a relationship before. It felt a little strange to step so smoothly into that role, even though I knew it would happen sooner or later. My own experiences whispered he needed to hear me say it first. I reached for his hand again. “There’s nothing I’d like better.” He sighed again, and after a few minutes, I realized he’d dozed off. I carefully slipped the glass from his hand and set it on the deck. I didn’t think he’d nap for long, but I wanted to spare him 54

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waking up to a lapful of cold soda. I checked the time. I could let him snooze for about half an hour. The afternoon sunlight crept its way under the porch roof, slanting in from the west to cast dark shadows across the deck. My shadow rocked slowly, growing ever more elongated. I had things I could do, or at least should do, but I deemed watching over my companion while he slept more important. I’d have to wake him soon enough. I leaned forward, dropped my face into my hands and rubbed my temples. A gentle hand caressed the length of my side. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s tired.” “The first rehearsal of a new show is nerve-wracking for me. Are you ready to go?” Shane patted my back and stood, groaning and stretching. “I’ll be ready in a sec.” I followed him inside, idly staring out the window until it was my turn to slip into the bathroom. When I came out, I found Shane perched on the edge of the bed. Would he share that bed with me tonight? I held my hand out to him. “C’mon. I’ll drive. You navigate.” He took my hand, shaking his head. With persistent strength, he pulled me to him, lying back on the bed as I braced myself above him. “This isn’t getting us fed, Shane.” His smoky gaze held mine. I couldn’t break free. “There’s food for the body and then there’s food for the soul.” “We have a reservation.” “I can cancel it, and we can call for a pizza.” His hand snaked between us to cup my balls. “Later.” “Then do it now, before I kiss you, because after I do, I won’t 55

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let you go.” He didn’t hesitate. While he was talking, extending his apologies and regrets, I eased his bulging zipper down and unsnapped his jeans. Behind me, I heard two soft thuds as his shoes hit the floor. He closed his cell phone and tossed it in the general direction of the pillows. Shane’s hands trembled as he unbuckled my belt and unzipped my fly. I pushed off the mattress and pulled my shirt over my head. He tried to shimmy his way out of his jeans, and I gave them a tug. Shane rolled away from me and stood. Our pants dropped to the floor in unison. We didn’t hurry as we undressed, nor did we spend a lot of time touching each other. My pulse quickened as I looked at his cock, hanging heavy against his pelted thigh. He watched me, too, his gaze hot and greedy as I stroked myself, rolling back my foreskin to enjoy the cool air on my exposed glans. Finally naked, Shane stretched out on the bed, lying on his left side. His fingers moved slowly over his shaft. I retrieved three condoms from the drawer and tossed the packets and lube on the bed, then lay beside him, facing him. His fingertips traced patterns on my chest. I touched his face. “What is it?” He swallowed, his throat moving convulsively. He licked his lips. “I thought I’d never get to do this again. With anyone. Who would want me if I were HIV positive?” “A decent man, Shane. One who truly cared for you.” I kissed him then, weaving my fingers into his dark hair as I pulled him to me. I tried not to rush him, to let him come to meet me, but something dark and needy burst to life inside me. I wanted him in a new way that told me I was in too deep with him. His lips 56

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opened and his tongue licked into mine. His strong fingers dug into my buttocks with bruising force. Inching closer, our erections rubbed, trapped between our bodies. Sweat broke out under my arms. I fought back the urge to roll him over and sink into him. The memory of fear was too fresh in him for me to pull a move like that without protection. Pulling my lips from his was like breaking apart two strong magnets. “Tell me what you need, Shane.” “You. Your mouth on me.” He bared his teeth in a way that had nothing to do with aggression. “You. Inside me.” I would give him what he wanted. I reached for a condom. Pushing him onto his back, I bit down on the corner of the wrapper, ripped it open with my teeth and laid it aside for when I needed it. It was pure Hollywood, and I ignored him as he snickered at me. His amusement was short-lived, becoming a long, drawn out moan as I slid my mouth down over him in one smooth movement. The scent of his maleness, such a heady, fertile musk, swamped my senses. I inhaled deeply and let his rich fragrance imprint on my brain. Shane’s muscled thighs tensed under my caress. His pelvis rose and fell as I moved up and down over him, seeking what would give him the most sensation. Throaty sounds rolled out of him when I applied firmer pressure to his shaft. His fingers snaked into my hair, then closed over the back of my neck. I encircled the base of his dick with two fingers and kept to the rhythm I’d set. His grip tightened on my neck, and my name became a breathless, groaning mantra on his lips. I didn’t stop, knowing the threshold was upon him. A dark flush spread from his chest, up across the taut skin that covered his strong cheekbones. His ragged breathing grew strained and his hand dropped away. 57

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“Stop, Van. Just stop.” Reluctantly, I raised my head and looked at him, but kept my fingers around his shaft, moving slowly. “Let it happen, Shane.” “I can’t.” That was his nerves talking, a holdover from the stresses of the last ten days. He could let go and climax, and he would. I had no intention of allowing him to shortchange himself. I released him and reached for the condom and lube. His sweaty brow furrowed. “What are you doing?” “Close your eyes, Shane. Do it.” He didn’t listen, but watched me intently as I suited up, rolling the condom to the base of my cock. I squirted a glob of lube on his belly, expecting a protest that didn’t come. Shane moaned, restless, his whole body flexing seductively. I dipped my fingers in the gel. His eyes closed. His legs rose and he braced his feet against my shoulders. “Now look at me, damn it.” I pressed my slick fingers to him, willing him to obey. He did. His gaze collided with mine as I very slowly pushed my fingers into him. Carefully, gently, I massaged the tension out of him. When he’d relaxed enough, I knelt over him, spreading the remainder of the lube over my sheathed tool. Shane’s knees lowered to grip my ribs. Heart pounding, my body slid over sensitive skin that suddenly yielded to me. We both jumped and then I was inside him. It didn’t take long for him to accept the error of his words. Tiny muscles inside him danced around my invading cock. I braced myself on one arm, stroking his erection with my free hand. His head thrashed back and forth on the pillows as he writhed beneath me. His lips moved, silently saying my name over and over. His 58

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hands grasped my arms as his shoulders lifted. A sudden, sharp sound passed his lips, and his cock pulsed hotly in my hand as his semen pooled on his stomach. Barely able to breathe, I watched the orgasm take him. I burned from the inside out. My abdominal muscles clenched to the point of pain as I fought to stay in control. My sac pulled up tight to my body. Every beat of my heart pounded in my ears and vision. Sweet oblivion beckoned, but I refused to let it happen until I knew he’d finished. And when he had, his body suddenly limp under mine, I reached for the sensation that lay coiled at the base of my spine. It sprang free, spiraling outward in a wave that slammed me into blessed darkness. The bliss was short-lived, but for once, I didn’t care. I was more concerned with Shane. Vibrating with the last moments of orgasm, still pulsing, I carefully pulled out and let him draw me down into the wetness on his belly, and to his lips. His mouth moved on mine with an eagerness that spoke of passion unabated, and I slipped my hands beneath his head, cradling it. He sighed, his breath gentle on my cheek. I kissed his eyes, the strong chin, his dewy neck, and all the while, he held me while the sweat ran off both our bodies to dampen the sheet beneath us. Groaning, I moved sideways, off him. He rolled away from me and quickly disappeared into the bathroom. My knees still trembled with the peculiar after-sex weakness they always had as I followed him. Shane turned on the shower while I peeled off the condom. He stepped under the spray, and I climbed in behind him, wrapped my arms around his waist, and let the water cascade over both of us. We stood there, unmoving, until the water ran cold. 59

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CHAPTER 8 I loaned Shane the one pair of sweat pants I’d brought to St. Charles, and I pulled on the one pair of pajama bottoms I had with me. If the pizza delivery boy had any pithy quips in his repertoire for finding two guys so attired in the early evening, he kept them to himself. My taste buds, primed for steak, got over their disappointment as the aroma of pepperoni and mushrooms with double cheese on a very thin crust filled the cabin air. Shane snooped through the cupboards of my little kitchen, while I maneuvered the pizza slices onto plates. “Wine and coffee. Is that the sum total of the Donovan MacKenzie necessities?” I nibbled the back of his neck, smiling as he shivered. “Not hardly. I need to lay in a supply of cookies, grapes, and fudge bars 60

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to really be happy.” Shane wrinkled his nose. “You’re a strange one, Van.” He turned and ran his hands up my arms. “Oh, I’m not so different than a thousand other guys.” I kissed him lightly. His stomach rumbled, so I added a quick peck on the cheek and moved away. He’d confessed earlier his appetite had been off, but now he was hungry enough to eat the large pizza by himself. “So you say.” He pinched my nipple, and I swatted at him. I handed him a filled plate and a beer, then pointed at the couch. “Find something on the television. No sports.” I joined him on the sofa, balancing my plate on a throw pillow. Shane juggled wolfing down a slice of pizza and flicking through the channels with the remote control. Mouth full, he bounced up and down, chewing furiously. “Oh…my God!” He wheezed and coughed. I thought he had choked, but it wasn’t that. He waved the hand holding the pizza at the television set. “Oh, my God! That’s Bailey’s Turn! That’s one of your movies.” “Just shoot me now,” I muttered. Shane was so engrossed watching the action on the screen he didn’t hear me, which was just as well. He cackled with glee. “We sneaked in the back door of the St. Charles movie house to see that.” I didn’t need to ask who “we” were. He would have been about seventeen when Bailey’s Turn hit the silver screen. “We” would be Shane and his high school buddies. I swilled down half my beer. He stared at me, mouth open. “You’re embarrassed. You are fucking embarrassed! Why?” I clicked off the top three reasons. I had plenty more, but if I 61

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were very lucky, he wouldn’t ask if the rumors about my female co-star and me were true. They were, to my great chagrin. I’d hate to have to confess to my lover that I’d done her—and she didn’t complain. Heck, I hated to admit it to myself, most dark nights. “It was a long time ago. It wasn’t a good script. I’ve learned a lot since then.” He blinked at me. “Well, yeah. But…but…God, Van, you were hot in this flick. Everyone else wanted to ogle Katie Bohne’s jiggly tits. I went to gawk at your bare ass.” I sputtered around a bite of pizza. “What do you…” I forced the food down my throat. “What do you mean I was hot? You don’t think I’m still sexy?” His jaw dropped. “I didn’t mean that. I swear! You’re extremely sexy for being over forty.” I set my plate aside. “Why, you little brat, I’m going to beat your ass for that.” Grinning, I grabbed him. “Don’t spill my beer, Van. Van!” I hauled him across my knees. He bucked against me, but his laughter hindered his efforts. Besides, he was too busy keeping his bottle upright to find a leverage point. I smacked his firm buttocks. He yelped, even though I didn’t strike him with all that much force. “Oh, boy, I wish I could rip your pants off, but that’s the only pair of sweats I have here.” Whack! Choking with laughter, he tried to talk. “I w-wish you c-could, too!” Whack! “Your ass would be so cute with red palm prints all over it.” Whack! “From my hand!” 62

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Whack! “K-keep it up, ya old f-f-fucker. I’m g-gettin’ a hard-on.” I dumped him onto the floor, and he quickly set his beer safely aside and rolled to his knees. He shucked down the sweats, freed his engorged dick, and shook it at me. “This is your fault.” “You’re a tempting little morsel, you know that?” He stroked his cock and a pearlescent drop appeared. “How tempting?” I let what Scottish brogue I had left come out. “Gi’ ye rosy red wee arse back in yon bed, and I’ll be showin’ ye.” Shane laughed. “I’ve gotta eat. Sex can wait.” I gave into common sense and patted the spot beside me. He had gone whipcord thin since I first met him. “Yeah, you do need food. Come back up here beside me, and I promise to let you eat. I bet you’ve lost ten pounds since last month.” “Try this past week.” He hopped to his feet and went to the kitchen. “You want another slice?” “No, you can have it.” I snatched the remote and pushed the off button. I’d had enough of my face on the television. I kicked back to drink my beer while he finished off the pizza. It was…more than nice sitting on the couch with Shane. I had a happy glow inside from horsing around with him. I’d been so serious for so long, it felt good to act foolish. Maybe a younger man was just what I needed. I had to be careful in my thinking. I didn’t want to vibe to him that I wanted him to stay with me after Sumner’s Garden’s run was over, even if he wanted to. He’d talked about us spending time together as a summer thing as much as I had. Only now I was here, with him, and my sense of things unspoken between us alluded to a 63

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lot more than having each other for a season. Could I really be all out and proud, and still work? Some guys pulled it off, but I wasn’t sure I was one of them. I was one of those unlucky thespians who had to get on the other side of the middle-aged hump and into a more distinguished older man look before the best roles would come back to me. Maybe if I were discreet, my sexual orientation wouldn’t become much of an issue, but it might be harder to accomplish with a partner. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on possibilities years down the road. I wanted to enjoy being with Shane in the here and now. I chuckled as he leaned back and groaned. “I’m so stuffed. I can’t believe I ate so much.” I leaned over and rubbed his lightly furred belly. It was hard as a rock. “We’ll let dinner settle and then I’ll help you work some of it off.” “Right. Hey, can I help you rehearse your lines?” “Maybe. Are you staying all night?” I hadn’t meant to let that question fall out of my mouth, but there it was. A shadow crossed his face. “I can’t. Dad’s better every day, but I worry.” Before I could think, and stop the words, I snapped at him, “Did you worry the night you spent in a motel room with Doug?” He paled, then flushed an angry red. His cool blue-gray gaze froze me. I saw the effort it took for him to remain calm. “Yeah, Van. I did. Dad blames himself for my mother’s death. He was driving when some kid ran a red light and broadsided their car. I’ve got to live my life, but sometimes I get scared to go home for fear of what I’ll find.” 64

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That was a heavy cloud to live under. I didn’t doubt his fears, or the fact that sometimes he needed an emotional break. I needed to help him handle the stress, not add to it with petty sniping. “I’m sorry, Shane, for your loss, and my too quick words. I didn’t realize you needed to be that concerned about your father.” Shane glared at me for several very long moments. “Don’t be a shit with me. You don’t have any right to question or judge me.” “I know. You’re right.” I held out my hand to him, palm up. “I’d like for you to stay whenever you can.” He refused to touch me. It hurt, and a lot more than I should have allowed it to. He tipped his beer bottle and guzzled the last few ounces. When he reached for his pants, my heart dropped to my knees. I’d brought it on myself, so I couldn’t say anything to him. To my surprise and relief, he fished his cell phone out of the pocket. I kept my mouth firmly closed as he punched in a few numbers. I listened as he made arrangements for one of his sisters to check on their father. Shane flipped his phone closed and tossed it, clattering, onto the coffee table. “There you go, Van. I’m all yours for the night. Happy now?” “With you, yes. With myself, not so much.” “It’s going to be a long summer unless you get used to the fact I have responsibilities. I can’t drop my life to be your boy toy for six months.” “Honestly, babe, I don’t want you to be my boy toy. I want you to be my equal.” His eyebrows drifted upward as he blinked at me. He couldn’t know I was as surprised at saying it as he was at hearing it, but it was the truth. I didn’t want him to respond, so I made a suggestion. “It’s been a long, tiring day. Why don’t we just accept the fact I can be an idiot and relax?” 65

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He snorted. “Whatever you say.” Shane stretched his arms over his head, and I admired his lean frame again. He saw me looking and grinned at me. “I have a little work to do, then I’ll help you read your lines. Okay?” I agreed and, between friendly gropes and squeezes, we set up our computers across from each other on the dining room table. It didn’t take long for his bare toes to wiggle in under my balls. I spread my thighs, and since he was careful, enjoyed the teasing. After a while, he got up and started a pot of coffee. When the brewer beeped, I poured each of us a cup. I answered some correspondences and watched his focus as he worked. Shane hummed, made faces, chewed on a finger, fidgeted in his seat, but his intent gaze never wavered from his screen. He was dialed in to the gift of his creativity, that intangible “something,” which fueled his genius. Those long fingers kept running through his hair, getting me hotter and hotter, but I gritted my teeth and waited for him to complete whatever task he’d set himself to do tonight. Finally, he leaned back and stretched. “I’m going cross-eyed. Let me take a break, and I’ll be ready to help you read your lines.” “Forget rehearsing. Let’s turn in for the night.” Shane fanned his lovely black eyelashes at me over his mug. “Why, Mr. MacKenzie, what do you have in mind?” “You on your back again.” He set his coffee down. “You’re about to be disappointed. I don’t bottom much, and once a night is all I’m agreeing to.” “And if I go down on one knee and beg?” Shane cupped his genitals. “You can go down on something else and beg. You might have better luck.” 66

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I snorted at him, but I was completely willing to do whatever was necessary to achieve my goal of having him again. I took another swallow of my coffee and went to the sink, pouring the cold remainder down the drain. Shane reached around me and dumped his into the sink, too, his free arm snaking around me. He pressed me to the counter, his erection nestling between my buttocks. I tightened with the memory of long-ago pain. “What’s wrong, Van?” Would he understand? “It’s not you, Shane. I haven’t bottomed since I was twentythree. My first lover…well, he was a lot older than me, and I never told him no, but he could be too rough. So I just haven’t done it since.” I turned and hugged him. “That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to give it another try. With you.” I nibbled his lower lip. “Maybe not tonight, though.” His chin lifted, and I wished I could read what was behind those gleaming eyes. “There’s plenty of summer left. I’m young, but I’m patient.” I laughed, never doubting the truth of his statement as I propelled him toward the bed. He broke away, grabbed the television remote, and flopped on the bed. I turned off the dining area lights and followed him. I attempted to divest him of the remote, and he rolled away, putting it under a pillow. “It’s only nine-thirty. I never go to bed this early.” I knelt over him. “We’re not going to sleep, not just yet.” He lifted his butt off the bed and shucked off the sweat pants. I followed suit, and we stretched out on our sides. Shane purred at me and started fucking my belly. Grinning, I nestled closer and grabbed his ass, my fingers digging in between his buttocks. He changed his angle and his cock stroked over mine. 67

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“School boy,” I murmured against his lips. “Hmm. That makes you the professor dude.” “You behave or I’ll slap your ass into detention.” I spanked his butt cheek, then rubbed the spot. I spit on my middle finger and teased his anus. He pumped against me in short, rapid strokes, nodding furiously. “Oh, yeah, teacher. Do me.” I wrinkled my nose at him, secretly glad he hadn’t called me “daddy.” Teacher was bad enough. The easy glide of his erection over mine became harder to ignore. I carefully pressed again through the tight ring of muscle, reveling at the way his flesh danced and twitched around my invading digit. He buried his face in the pillow and moaned breathlessly. I tongued the inside of his ear. “Like that, babe?” The only answer I got was another low moan as his hips pumped faster, rubbing his trapped cock against my belly. I was ready to moan right along with him. I nuzzled my way into his pillow and found his mouth. His lips parted, and I thrust my tongue into the heat of his mouth. Lips locked together, I kissed him until my lungs screamed for air. Shane’s hand slipped between our bodies, his fingers encircling my shaft. I flushed hot, sweat breaking out under my arms, and on my back and chest. I leaked, and my cock was suddenly slick. The breath caught in the back of my throat. Stars danced in my vision. Shane tore his lips from mine. “Wait for me, Van.” I didn’t know if I could. I maneuvered a second finger inside him and pushed, finding his internal pressure point for his prostate. He moaned louder, calling on a host of deities as his body tensed. I 68

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couldn’t wait any longer. Hot, slick semen wet my belly as I fell into the velvet darkness Shane brought to me. His fingers released me, shifting to his own shaft. I barely had the chance to draw a draw a breath, and he came. A long groan of relief bubbled out of him as my skin got wetter. I was acutely aware of his rich scent mingling with mine. He went limp against me, sighing as I eased my fingers out of him. His sticky hand slid over my ribs as his arm came around me. I hardly cared as long as he held me. We lay there in the dim lamplight, sweaty, sticky and hot, but unmoving. I drank in the feel of him against me, so relaxed and still. Suddenly, the summer seemed unbearably short, our time together so fleeting. My damp skin prickled with the sure knowledge I was falling in love with Shane Hollister.

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CHAPTER 9 “Van. Donovaaaan. Waaake up.” I swatted at the persistent soft voice in my ear. It stopped. My ear was wet. Why was my ear wet? Was it raining? Something tickled as it crawled over my ass. I flung off the covers as I jumped straight up and out of the bed, yelling. Hysterical laughter filled the room. I whirled around to see Shane curled up on the bed, holding his mid-section, as he howled with glee. “What the fuck did you do, motherfucker? Put a fucking bug in the fucking bed?” “No…no… I…” He fell into another laughing fit, holding his stomach as tears streaked down his face. “I…so sorry…not!” Flipping the sheet back, I searched for small, crawly things that 70

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needed to die, but found nothing. I glared at Shane as he wiped his eyes dry with his fingertips. My frown faded as the witchy interest in his eyes sank into my awareness, and my gaze dropped to his dick. Semi-aroused, his cock lay heavy on his thigh, lengthening under my perusal. My penis, already half hard just because it was morning, swelled, and my usual good nature reasserted itself. “Good morning to you, too.” He grinned and uncurled, then rolled onto his side. “You’re not going to hurt me, are you?” I looked him up and down, raising my eyebrow at his rising dick. “I should spank you again, but you’d like it, so I won’t do it. Besides, I smell coffee brewing, so you get to skate on this one.” I motioned at his groin. “Pardon the pun, but are you up for doing anything with that?” “I wish, but I have to get outta here. I’ve got a crew coming in at seven.” What time was it? I picked up my watch and checked. It was a quarter past six. In the morning. I groaned and padded off to the bathroom. I’d so hoped life in the country would lend itself to late mornings. Silly me. Shane was still abed when I came back out. He patted the spot beside him, and I slid between the sheets and into his arms. “Okay, ye wee prankster. What did ye take to me bum?” “Oh, baby, use that brogue on me. Were you really born in Scotland?” “I was. My parents moved here when I was five. My Da’s brogue is pretty thick. I just think of the way he talks when I need the accent, because it’s no’ me first language now.” Shane nestled closer and sighed contentedly. “I wish we had 71

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time to fool around.” “Hmm. Me, too. Now what did you tickle me with?” He wiggled his tongue at me. I captured it with my lips and kissed him. A pleasant inertia washed through me as we kissed and nibbled at each other’s mouths. I was more than ready to make love to him, and made one attempt to deepen the kiss and draw him to me. He groaned, a low sound filled with regret, and pulled back. I admired his dedication. These days, few people seemed to take their responsibilities seriously. Shane kissed my neck. “We can sleep late tomorrow, I swear. I don’t have to be at The Globe until four o’clock, and since it’s a Cotton Dreams performance day, you won’t need to be there at all.” “I’ll hold you to that in the morning. I’d like to see the show, though. Think I can get a ticket?” “Nope. You can join Phil in the box. He’ll be ecstatic. Cotton Dreams is his brainchild, so tell him you love it, because you will. Let me up. I gotta get ready and get outta here.” I smacked his ass and reluctantly let go of him. Shane padded around the room, gloriously naked, gathering up his clothes. He peeked out the window and froze. “Mother fuckers!” He yanked on his pants, hopping on bare feet. Alarmed at his outburst, I rolled out of bed. “What’s wrong?” I jerked the curtains open. My heart seized in my chest, then plummeted to my belly. I washed cold with shock, then hot with fury. I hopped into my pants and bolted out the door behind him to the ruins of his car. “Who the fuck would do this?” He was visibly upset, his anger ready to bubble over and pour out of him. I understood completely, and marveled at his self-control. I walked around his vehicle, barely noticing the cold, rough 72

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stones I trod over, shoeless. I knew who did this. Only one person would be this vindictive. His tires were slashed, all four of them. Someone had splashed acetone over the painted surfaces of his car, destroying the sparkling finish. My eyes burned from the chemical reek. Queasy, I walked around the car a second time. Shane called to me. “They got you, too, Van. Your interior is slashed to ribbons.” He leaned over, peering into my car. “Your doors were locked. I remember the little horn tweet when you hit the button.” He straightened and looked at me. I wondered if he felt the cold breeze on his back. I shivered, from both the wind and the knowledge of who had done this thing. It didn’t matter if I locked the car doors or not. Lynn had refused to return his ignition key, adamantly declaring he’d lost it. I thought it was pure pettiness that drove him to keep it, and never in my wildest dreams imagined he’d do this. I had to stop underestimating the depth of his rage that I’d ended our relationship. Shane stopped in front of me. “What? What is it? Tell me, before I call the cops.” “Lynn did this. I’m sure of it.” He drew back like I’d struck him. “You’ve got to be kidding me. How the fuck did he manage to find you?” “Global positioning. He could track the car here. And then there’s that little article my agent sent to the trades.” I looked at the wreckage of what had been very expensive leather seats. “He refused to return his key to the car. Lynn was here, no doubt about it.” I walked over to him, gingerly, suddenly aware of the sharp stones under my feet. “I’m sorry, Shane. I’ll cover the cost of repairing your car, and get you a rental. You shouldn’t have to 73

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absorb the financial burden of this.” “I have insurance.” He moved to put his hand on his car, and I grabbed his wrist. “Don’t touch it until the police are finished. Let’s go call them.” Shane’s shoulders slumped, but I sensed he remained angry. I didn’t blame him. He pulled away from me and went back inside without saying a word. I followed him, grateful he’d kept a level head, and impressed my young man hadn’t allowed pure emotion to rule his actions. Shane was on his cell phone, talking to police dispatch as I closed the door behind myself. He ended the call. “An officer will be here shortly.” He grabbed his socks and shoes, and I did likewise. We’d barely finished dressing when his head cocked to the right, listening. Shane was on his feet and out the door before I could ask him to wait. “Cops are here.” Thinking I’d need some identification, I grabbed my wallet and followed him, unsure of how much he planned to tell them. This was his community. Did it matter to him if word got around we were lovers? He greeted the younger officer with a handshake. “Hi, Scotty. Great way to start the day, huh?” The handsome, brown-eyed Scotty stared at me with unconcealed interest. “And you are?” “Donovan MacKenzie.” Scotty’s eyes widened, then his gaze flicked to Shane, back to me, and settled on Shane. He cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Oh, yeah. Scotty and Shane knew each other. Biblically. 74

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I wasn’t jealous, exactly, but my curiosity to learn more about the type of man Shane usually found attractive ran rampant. The older man planted himself between Shane and me. Damn. “I’m Lieutenant Delauter, Mr. MacKenzie. Do you have any thoughts on what happened here?” I chose not to lie. If the town gossips seized upon us, then so be it. “Yes, sir. I think this is the work of my ex-lover, Lynn Custer. He refused to surrender his key to my car when we parted ways, and he surely would have read the press releases that I’m performing at The Globe this summer. He’s also capable enough to find my car through the global positioning system. I have a restraining order out on him, issued through a judge in New York City. Lynn’s not supposed to be within two hundred feet of me.” I looked past him to where Shane and Scotty stood, talking rapidly. From the earnest look on his friend’s face, I guessed Shane was getting some friendly counseling to drop me like a hot potato. Maybe he should. I didn’t want him to get hurt. The lieutenant shifted his stance to block my view again. “Stay with me here, MacKenzie. Those two aren’t going anywhere together.” Somehow, I managed not to blush. *

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By the time the police had taken our statements, the mobile crime lab pulled up and got down to their business. Not long after that, Phil arrived. The three of us sat on the steps and watched the forensics crew work. It would have been fascinating had those two cars belonged to other people. Phil talked to the good lieutenant 75

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about having cruisers drive by during the night. Nothing like locking the barn door after the horse has escaped, but I kept my mouth firmly closed. The police could only do so much, and we all knew it. I’d have to deal with Lynn, personally, once I figured out how. The wrecker showed up and loaded Shane’s Pontiac onto the flatbed. I opted to keep my car and get a set of seat covers until I got back to the city and the dealership where I’d purchased the coupe. Unless, of course, I traded it in St. Charles first, and that idea had a lot going for it. At the very least, the local dealership could install new door locks and ignition switch. Phil arranged for my co-star and me to rehearse later in the afternoon and took his leave. Shane took a deep breath and blew it out. I moved up to the step he occupied and put my arm around him. “I never saw this coming, Shane.” He leaned against me. “How could you? Just how crazy is this guy, anyway?” “Good question, babe. This is rage. This is beyond anything I’ve ever dealt with.” Shane slumped like his spine had suddenly turned to jelly. “My Dad can’t handle this sort of thing. I don’t know what to tell him.” Just as he couldn’t help me with Lynn, I didn’t think I could help much with his father. At least he knew the man’s state of mind, whereas I was clueless as to just how far over the edge Lynn was. “I think you have to be honest with your father.” I put my other arm around him. “Listen, Shane, if you think it best we not see each other, I will understand.” It would tear me up, but his safety meant much more to me 76

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than my own happiness at having him with me for the summer. But what about beyond the summer? I couldn’t squash the insistent voice of hope whispering to me that he and I had a future. Shane hugged my waist, then he raised his head and looked at me with his clear blue-gray eyes. “I won’t let anyone force me to give you up, Van.”

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CHAPTER 10 My agent turned the property damage into a promotional opportunity. The local news picked up on it and, the next thing I knew, it was on the front page of the town newspaper. That meant Shane’s family, including his father, knew the truth, but few others did. According to the little spin Constance put on it, bless her conniving instincts, Shane and I had been so engrossed in reading my lines for Sumner’s Garden, that we were totally unaware anyone was outside the cabin. Neither auto alarm system had activated, and, in the dark, we’d not noticed anything amiss until Shane went to go home for the night. Because there was no personal injury, and the culprit was well away, we waited until daylight to contact the local authorities. 78

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I would have kissed her if she’d been here. Without telling Shane, or my agent, I hired a private investigations firm to find Lynn and keep tabs on him. I wanted to know if he remained in St. Charles. If not, I certainly wanted to know if he ever came back to town. That they reported he was hanging out at some rich man’s house on Long Island did not reassure me. Rehearsals resumed, I installed seat covers in my car, Shane borrowed his dad’s pickup while his car was repainted, and life went on. I let my hair grow shaggy for the role of Andy Pulaski. We became conscious of anyone lurking around, and while we exercised a prudent caution, our lives were incident free. And some of that life was downright blissful. Sliding between the sheets with Shane at night, waking up with him, and fucking like minks in between was the high life. It didn’t matter that he left at the crack of dawn to slink home to make sure Mr. Hollister got his medications, or that some nights he didn’t arrive until after eleven o’clock. We both napped during the day to get our rest so we could talk—and make love—all night. Some evenings he came early and then we got to sleep in together. Just holding him while he slept, or after sex, brought an incredible peace to me. But sometimes, when we made love, I knew he wanted me to bottom, and I couldn’t quite bring myself to agree. I struggled to understand if it was a lingering fear from my younger days, or something more. Shane never pressed or criticized me over it. He didn’t have to. I sensed his disappointment I refused to receive that fierce pleasure at his hands. Shane told me the details of his mother’s death six months ago, and of his long drive home, alone, not knowing if his father would 79

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be gone, too, when he arrived. I held him as he cried for the first time, finally able to give way to his grief. And I envied him parents who made the effort to accept him for who he was. I wondered if I’d cry for my mother, and thought I would not. I liked to think of her surprise, some day, when I strolled into heaven, and not hell. His warmth and bright laughter lit dark places in me I didn’t know were there. He forced me to play miniature golf and beat my score by an embarrassing amount. Ignoring my pleas I was a registered couch potato, he insisted we hike up the side of a mountain to see the view from the rocky overlook at the top, then smiled knowingly when I admitted to enjoying the adventure. He proved to me I could still have fun. Dress rehearsal for Sumner’s Garden went off without a hitch. We were ready. Tim Jennings and I chomped at the bit for opening night. And through all the days and nights, Shane’s words rang in my memory. I won’t let anyone force me to give you up, Van. I got a bit giddy every time I thought of the look on his face when he said it, even though I knew better. One month of our summer was behind us. Time was the enemy, the one thing we couldn’t wage war against. The end of the season would come, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. My life was in New York, and more and more it seemed, Shane’s life was in St. Charles. My chest ached every time I thought of leaving him, but I never mentioned it to him. Our time together was too precious to waste. When he wasn’t with me, I plotted and schemed of ways to get him to go to New York with me, yet I was too afraid of his rejection to broach the 80

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subject. I told myself to be content with what we had, but I wanted a lot more. Opening night, I got a mild case of the jitters. Shane’s entire family would be here. Mr. Hollister was doing much better and felt up to getting a look at the man his son was involved with. I was prepared to meet him, but Shane warned me that, while his father loved him, the elder Hollister had never quite been able to meet any of Shane’s “friends.” Perhaps if I gave the performance of my career, Mr. Hollister would change his mind. Heaven help me, I wanted to be the first, and the only, of Shane’s lovers Gary Hollister ever shook hands with. My dressing room was not much larger than a closet, but it had a door with a lock. I heard a familiar voice in the hallway, grabbed the set designer and pulled him inside. Shane’s body slammed me against the door. “Why, Andy Pulaski, you’re a hottie.” “Think so, do ya? How’s the garden look today?” Shane had created an ingenious garden on hidden wheels for the stage, complete with lifts to make it appear the garden was indeed growing. The local garden club supplied the plants. “The ladies replaced a few things. They didn’t realize how much heat the stage lights generate. Now kiss me, Andy.” I obliged him, sliding my lips over his. Shane tongued me, then pulled back, wrinkling his nose. “Jeez. You’ve got on lipstick.” I laughed and kissed his cheek. “I’m about to go on stage, babe. Seriously, how’s the makeup look?” “Great. Very natural.” Shane hugged me. “I wish I could be in the audience tonight.” “Where’s your family sitting?” 81

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“In the box with Phil, of course.” Shane’s hand slipped between our bodies to cup my balls. “So, Andy, what’re you doing after the show?” I pressed my groin deeper into his palm. “I have plans with this really sexy young man, but I’d blow him off for you.” He laughed softly. “We have to stay for the reception, you know.” “So I was told, but you and I are outta here at midnight. I’m already on edge. I want you naked.” There was a knock on the door, and a voice intruded. “Hey, Van. Is Shane in there? We need him.” People were learning where to find my lover if they didn’t see either of us backstage. Shane slid from my embrace, and opened the door a crack. “I’ll be right out.” He turned back to me and kissed me soundly, then licked his lips. His shining gaze, full of warmth, locked with mine. “Break a leg, love.” With that he was out the door and gone. A few moments later, someone tapped on my door and gave me the five-minute warning. I checked my look in the mirror and hurried to my marks. *

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I stood center stage with Tim and the rest of the cast as thunderous applause shook The Globe. We’d pulled off a flawless opening performance, one worthy of Broadway. Holding Tim’s hand, I lifted it over our heads. Off to my left, Shane stood in the wings, smiling. His cheeks were wet. I felt like crying, myself. I’d never given this caliber performance, ever, and I knew it. Finally, everyone took one last bow and the curtains swished closed. I 82

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stepped off the stage and into Shane’s arms, not caring if anyone saw. I held him tightly as the cast and crew mingled around us, patting our backs and offering praise and congratulations. I had some of my own to give. I kissed the dewy skin behind his ear. “Babe, I’m so proud of the work you did for this show. I hope someday you’ll see your way clear to go back to Broadway. You’ve got so much talent. You can write your own ticket.” Shane took a deep, shuddering breath, squeezed me, then pulled back. “Yeah, I’ll go back someday. I don’t know when, but yeah.” I handed him Andy’s handkerchief, and he swiped it over his face. “You were great, Van. Phil has a proposition for you.” I just bet he did, and I could guess what it was. He’d dropped a hint a few days ago, but I let it pass, wanting to get opening night behind me. Phil wanted to bring in a crew and film the show. The Globe would rake in all sorts of money from a digital recording. So would I, but I had more pressing business. “It’ll have to wait. Head for my dressing room, Shane. I’m right behind you.” He weaved his way through the members of the busy crew, chatting with everyone, edging closer and closer to back hallway and privacy. We finally made it and dashed to the dressing room door. Shane hooked his fingers under my belt and yanked me inside. “Oh, wow! Nice flowers, Van. Who are they from?” I didn’t care about the flowers. I slammed the deadbolt home and backed Shane to the wall. I cupped his firm buttocks and lifted him, pressing my pelvis firmly to his. His cock was hard under mine as I thrust against him. His arms snaked around me neck as his heels dug in behind my knees. The success of the evening 83

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resonated in both of us. Shane vibrated in my arms, as tightly strung on the adrenaline rush of the performance as I was. I took his mouth in a rough kiss. His tongue licked into mine, giving my bruised and tender lips no quarter.. Shane worked his hand between us, reaching for my zipper. I groaned into his mouth, every fiber of my being craving his touch. I tore my lips from his. “No, babe. We have to get to the reception. There’s no time.” Shane snorted. “It will take you about thirty seconds, Van.” He knew my responses too well, which normally was a good thing for me. Never in my life had I raced my way through as many orgasms as I had in the last month. “Funny, Shane. Seriously, we need to put this on hold for an hour.” I kissed him again. “You know I don’t want to, but Phil will skin us alive if we don’t show.” Shane laved my lips with his tongue again. I licked him back, savoring his eagerness for some quick sex. I raised my head and looked at him. “We can’t go with guilty looks on our faces, can we?” He shook his head and put his feet back on the floor. “You’re such a logical, practical man. Now, who sent you the flowers? I didn’t see them earlier.” I forced myself to step away from his heat, his scent, and suffer the empty space between us. “They weren’t here before the show, which is odd. Out here, delivery people don’t work twenty-four-seven like they do in the city.” I reached for the card in the floral arrangement, and opened it. The hot blood in my veins cooled at the handwritten note. Congratulations on the show. Love always, Lynn. 84

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“Motherfucker. Lynn sent them. He’s here.” I handed the card to Shane, surprised my hand was so steady. My lover read the card and met my gaze, worry replacing the gleam of simmering lust in his beautiful eyes. I knew what he silently asked and nodded. “That’s his writing. I’m sure of it.” Shane reached for his cell phone. “I’ll call Scotty.” He flipped it open and hit a button. My eyebrows slid up. “Scotty is on speed dial, is he? Would you like to tell me about that?” He stuck his tongue at me. “No. None of your business, Van. Hey, Scotty, can you bring the cruiser over to The Globe? Van’s stalker might be here.” He paused, listening. “Thanks, man. We’re backstage in Van’s dressing room. ’Bye.” I held my hand out for the card, and he gave it to me. I laid it on the vanity. “I guess we’ve ruined this for fingerprints.” “Probably. Scotty will be here in five minutes.” “So, you and Scotty were an item?” “You’ve figured it out, so just let it go. We’re friends and we did the curiosity fuck. That’s all there is to it. Pretty much.” Somehow, I kept from grinning. “‘Pretty much’ now is it, laddie buck?” “Och, now he’s gone Scot on me. Go ahead and snicker, Van. You know you want to.” I cupped his cheek. “Some people are always special to us, no matter what.” He covered my hand with his. “No one will ever eclipse you, Donovan MacKenzie.” My heart did a little flip inside my chest. I needed to tell him so many things, not least of which was my hope he’d be a part of my future. More and more I had the sense he wanted that, too, but I 85

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lacked the courage to say the words. There was a tap on the door, and the police identified themselves. Shane opened the door for Scotty and his partner. The unflappable Lieutenant Delauter took in his surroundings in a quick, but assuredly comprehensive, glance. “Fill us in, Mr. MacKenzie.” I handed him the card. “That’s Lynn’s handwriting. I lived with him long enough to know it. I have a private firm watching him. They didn’t report it to me, but Lynn has to be in St. Charles.” Delauter dropped the card into a little plastic bag and handed it to Scotty. There was little they could do, and I knew it. Lynn could be anywhere. I couldn’t even discount the idea he’d ordered the flowers on his previous trip to St. Charles, although my instincts said not. The good lieutenant offered to see us home after the reception. I accepted. While Shane and I hobnobbed with the cast and The Globe patrons, our friendly policemen planned to “poke” around the parking lot and grounds. I took that to be country talk for searching the area. I stripped out of my stage clothes under Shane’s watchful gaze. While I washed my face, he folded Andy’s clothes. I zipped my jeans and turned to him. “Aren’t you going to say it?” “What? That you didn’t tell me you hired someone to watch your ex?” “Yep. That would be it.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to tell me everything, but it would’ve been nice to have the information.” “I should’ve told you. Mea culpa.” Shane shrugged. “To tell you the truth, I’m not surprised you 86

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did it. Listen, Van, my family will be at the reception. I don’t know if Dad will ask to meet you or not.” I squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m good either way. Maybe it’s best if he observes for a bit first. There’s no need to rush him, you know.” “I know. Ready?” I slanted my mouth across his and kissed him, letting my lips give him promises for later.

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CHAPTER 11 There was nothing “small town” about Phil’s opening night reception. The champagne flowed, and some big city entertainment reviewers lapped it up from crystal flutes. I also glimpsed a young woman I knew produced indie films. Phil was serious about getting Sumner’s Garden into the digital market. I accepted the glass my lover handed me. We tapped the rims together and sipped, then all hell broke loose as we were spotted. It had been over a year since I dealt with such a mob, and I hadn’t missed it. To be fair, most of the press were polite and had the same questions about Sumner’s Garden. One would ask the question, and all of them would scribble notes. The trouble started when those reporters on the fringe of the industry asked for personal, 88

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particular details. I simply replied, “Next question,” and tried to move on. My hope Lynn’s revealing blog would be forgotten faded. The group of reporters ringing us went still when a smarmy hanger-on without a press pass asked if Shane and I were “involved.” Shane stiffened; the very air around him chilled. “I’m one of the partners in The Globe in the Grove. I have a vested interest in all my performers. Why don’t you quote me on that and feel free to make up the rest?” Somehow, I managed not to gawk at him. Shane had never mentioned he had any financial investment in The Globe. I put it aside for later conversation, when we were alone. The reporter correctly gauged Shane’s mood and backed off. No one else pursued the topic. One brave soul asked Shane if he had any plans to return to Broadway. I didn’t hear his answer. The hair on my arms rose. Someone was watching me. I felt it. My first thought was Lynn had crashed the reception. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d arrived uninvited. I scanned the crowd, frantically searching for the familiar face of my exboyfriend. Across the room, I spotted an older man standing with three young women. Tall and slender, his dark hair shot with silver, Gary Hollister met my gaze with open curiosity in his clear bluegray eyes. Recognizing him was easy. Shane certainly looked like his father. The elder Hollister nodded, a gesture I respectfully returned. Then he glanced at Shane, and I saw a flash of pride on his face. When he looked at me again, I wasn’t sure I passed muster, but he didn’t dismiss me, either. I nodded again and shifted my attention back to Shane. My lover thanked the reporters and informed them 89

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their time was up. His star had to go chat with The Globe patrons. Relieved, I followed him to the group surrounding Phil and Bob. An irrational restlessness seized me. I had to get away from this gathering. I needed to find those two police officers and ask if they’d located Lynn. The longer I didn’t know exactly where my ex-boyfriend was, the tighter my nerves stretched. Shane handled the patrons with style, passing the questions off to me, or stepping in when a question bordered on the personal. I was tongue-tied, caught between worry over Lynn and lust for the young man at my side. The glossy shine of his dark hair, the lights sparkling in his eyes, the wit and humor he possessed, held me enthralled. It was Shane who tendered my apologies to the group before I could embarrass myself, telling them his leading man needed to get his sleep as he moved me toward the exit. The cruiser sat parked beside my car when we stepped out into the cooler night air. Scotty walked up to us. “Your boyfriend’s in town. He registered at the motel, but he doesn’t appear to be there. We’ve got all on-duty personnel looking for him.” I wasn’t reassured. The St. Charles police department employed about a dozen people. “He’s my ex-boyfriend, and you need to impress upon your people the man is a loose cannon.” “We got that part, Mr. MacKenzie.” He turned to Shane. “We’ve called for an off-duty state patrol unmarked car to park down the road at Mr. Gary’s. He’ll stay until he’s sure all is quiet.” A nasty burst of jealousy bloomed inside me as Shane grasped Scotty’s arm. It was silly of me, but I hated to see him touch another man. Had Lynn felt this when he discovered I was with 90

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Shane? I didn’t like to see Shane and Scotty all buddy-buddy, but I wouldn’t even mention it to Shane. Friends and former lovers were facts of life. What was different for me was I could see how stupid it was for me to be jealous and move on, as opposed to Lynn, who went into a rage and stayed there. I lacked the strength of the emotion to comprehend it. Of course, Shane hugging Scotty helped with that just a tad. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate that, although I know it’s probably not necessary.” Shane released his friend and gave me a quick glance. I hoped my face didn’t show my foolish, surprised displeasure. He held the car keys out to me. “Let’s get going, Van.” I shook my head. “You drive, babe. I need to try and relax.” Just to prove to myself I could, I shook Scotty’s hand and thanked him. He gave me a shy grin, and I realized he had his own worries about his relationship with Shane becoming problematic for his friend’s relationship with me. All the envy I held, that he knew Shane’s history in ways I didn’t, faded. I climbed into the passenger seat. Within minutes, we arrived at the cabin. Lieutenant Delauter checked inside, then reminded us to lock the door. I did as ordered and turned off all the lights but the small lamp beside the bed. Shane emptied his pockets onto the table and sighed. “I’m sorry Dad didn’t come over to meet you.” “It’s okay. We exchanged a few glances and a nod. He’s curious, so give him time.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and drew his back against my chest. Just holding him bled away some tension. “I wish to hell I knew where Lynn was.” He turned in my arms and slipped his arms around my neck. “I know. What really disturbs me is that, aside from charging him 91

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with the property damage, there’s not much the authorities can do.” “Yeah, I think it scares me some, and I wish it didn’t. It could be his whole point.” Shane rubbed his belly against mine. “Ruining your fantastic opening night was certainly the point.” “You’re here. We’re alone. That salvages everything.” He looked at me, his earnest gaze full of questions I sensed he wouldn’t ask. I ached to tell him I’d fallen in love with him, but being unsure of his reaction, I couldn’t. I rested my forehead to his. “Why don’t you tell me about being a partner in The Globe?” The muscles in his throat moved convulsively as he swallowed. “Are you upset I didn’t tell you?” “What makes you think I’m entitled to any of the details of your life, babe?” Shane pulled back and looked at me. “Why do you do that, Van? Why do you take one step toward me, then back up two?” “I don’t…” I stared at him. He was right. I did. “I don’t know why I do it,” I finished, lamely. “Uh-huh. Nice recovery, there, Donovan.” Shane leaned in and brushed his lips across mine. “After I came home to St. Charles, it was pretty obvious Dad needed someone to stay with him for a while. My sisters all have their own families, so it sorta fell on me. I needed something to do, so I knocked on Phil’s door and introduced myself. He offered me a deal. I took it because it does give me room to work on other projects.” I smiled at him. “Phil’s a smart man. He knows people with your talent do not normally just walk in the door at places like The Globe. It would’ve been the worst decision of his life to let you walk away.” Shane tensed. His chin lifted as his eyes stared into mine. 92

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“What about you, Van? Are you going to let me walk away?” My throat suddenly closed, thick with the words threatening to pour out of me. I swallowed, forcing the nervous lump down. He licked his lips. “Tough question, Van?” I shook my head. “No. Easy question, but the answer is complicated.” His lips thinned. “I get that about you—that you make things harder than they need to be.” Was he spoiling for a fight? Now, when I wanted him so badly? I pulled him close and cupped the back of his head, coaxing him to rest it on my shoulder, which he did. “You’re making your life here, babe, helping build The Globe into a major venue. I want us to work on Broadway. I want us to share all the lights and the glitter. I want to walk through Times Square at three in the morning with you and feel the life in the air. Where’s the middle ground?” His arms tightened around my shoulders. “Do you really see us together?” I took a quick breath and plunged into murky waters. “I can, if I let myself look.” He relaxed, then shivered. “Let’s go to bed.” “Now who’s taking a step back?” Shane buried his face in my neck and gave me a little nip. “That would be me. Can we just get naked?” I didn’t press him. This was as close to talking about what the future might hold as we’d ever gotten. We still had five months until the end of Sumner’s Garden’s run. It would be foolish to rush headlong into words we might feel sorry for in four months, yet I regretted not saying them. 93

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I ran my hands down his sides, my fingertips caressing the subtle muscles of his torso through his shirt. I was glad he didn’t seem inclined to pump his workouts and bulk up. He was perfect, all smooth skin over lean lines. I tugged his shirttail out of his slacks. “So take your clothes off, Mr. Hollister.” His body shook with silent laughter as his lips nibbled my ear, while his busy fingers unsnapped my jeans and eased down the zipper. Already on the edge of arousal, my flesh swelled and hardened, aching for his touch. He didn’t deny me as his warm palm rubbed my cock through the cotton of my shorts. Impatient, I yanked his shirt over his head, tossed it over my shoulder, and our disrobing turned into rough play. We pushed and shoved at each other, grinning and growling as clothing flew in all directions. I hopped on one foot, attempting to get my shoe off, and Shane grabbed me around the waist. We landed on the sofa, with me on top. He wheezed as I rolled off him, pinching his nipple as I went. Shane yelped and hopped to his feet, one hand protectively holding his erection tight to his abdomen. I lunged at him. “What’s wrong? You think I’m gonna grab your dick?” “You should be so lucky as to get your hands on it, perv.” With an easy leap, he landed on the bed and shook his swollen cock at me. I stroked myself, breaking out in a sweat as sensation skittered along nerve endings. “You can play with mine if I can play with yours.” Shane cackled at me. “You wish.” I flopped on the bed at his feet almost at the same time he dropped to his knees. I marveled the bed didn’t collapse. That 94

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would be embarrassing to explain. Shane almost cracked his nose on my forehead as we both moved to shove the bedspread to the foot of the mattress. I twisted and wrapped my arms around him. He went down beneath me. His heels locked behind my knees as we rolled back and forth, clinging to each other in a tight embrace. We grappled for the advantage in our mock battle until he had me on my back. Shane’s tongue teased my lips with quick flicks, and I finally captured it, sucking it into my mouth. Deep in his throat, he purred, catlike. Shane’s lips moved over mine, and I stopped wrestling with him, struck still and quivery by his unhurried kiss. Heat flared in my groin even as my body tightened. My knees rose to grip his sides. He inhaled sharply and rose up on his arms to stare down at me with eyes gone wide and dark. I forgot how to breathe as I fell into their glittering black depths, then remembered and sucked in a deep breath. “Go slow, babe.”

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CHAPTER 12 “Don’t do this just for me, Van.” “I’m not. It didn’t hurt every time, babe. Just often enough.” I ran my hands up his arms. “This is us, and now is now. I want it, Shane.” “Are you sure you’re not doing this just for me?” I shook my head. “When I was with my first lover, he was careful enough in the beginning. I was eighteen and looked younger, which was what he liked, so getting it up wasn’t a problem for him. Later, my looks matured and I didn’t turn him on as much, so he had some difficulties keeping it up. That’s when he hurried too much and got too rough.” He came down to me, his weight on his elbows and his hands gentle on my face. “Lots of lube, I promise.” 96

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Shane rolled off me and delved into the nightstand drawer, flipping a condom over his shoulder at me. I slipped it under the pillows, close at hand, then smacked his ass. Suddenly nervous, I wanted the darkness. “Turn the light off, babe.” “I want to see your face.” “Please, Shane.” He didn’t argue, and with a low click, the air went black and close around us. Cold, hard plastic rolled against my side. I slid the bottle of lube in beside the condom. I wasn’t surprised I was ready for this. I’d known tonight was coming for a while. I trusted him to stop and pull back, if I asked him to, but I didn’t think for a moment I would need to ask him to. The mattress dipped as he settled in against me, chest-to-chest and thigh-to-thigh. His hands grazed my side. I waited, breathless, for the space of the several heartbeats it took for him to kiss me. His lips finally settled over mine, and I had no choice but to give myself over to him as his palms rubbed my nipples. “I’m so glad you’re hairy again,” he murmured against my lips. “The first time I saw you on the movie screen, I almost creamed my jeans. You came up out of the water in those black swim trunks, with all that dark hair plastered to your skin. All I could do was stare at your hairy thighs and the big bump in your crotch and wheeze. I think I fell in love with you then.” My heart beat faster at his declaration of love. Did he still feel that way? I shied away from asking for fear of his answer. “I’ll never wax again. So how many times did you see Bailey’s Turn?” He laughed softly. “You made a bunch of money off of me, Van Mackenzie.” With that, he kissed his way down my torso. I 97

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stretched and flexed my body, encouraging him to go lower. He did. Shane’s soft lips encircled the tip of my cock as he flicked his tongue over the slit. I sucked in a deep breath and forced my muscles to relax as he took me in deep. Stars danced in my vision at the tugging sensations made by his throat as he swallowed saliva. I reached out a long arm and groped for skin to grab. He kept his ass just out of reach. His strong fingers wrapped around my shaft with a gentle pressure. Shane stroked, his hand and mouth moving together to drive me wild. I managed to wiggle around enough to smack his hip. “Give it up, Hollister.” Glorious vibrations trembled though my cock as he hummed while shifting to give me access to him. I gave his balls a tongue bath while surreptitiously lubing my fingers. I wasn’t sneaky enough. He twisted around and wiggled his butt at me, never breaking the slow, torturous rhythm of his mouth sliding over my flesh. I slipped a finger through the tight ring of muscle into him. He moaned, and the sound shot through me, a heated wave that broke sweat out under my arms. I found the pressure point for his prostate and massaged. I wanted him hard. Very hard. Shane pulled away from my teasing finger, releasing my dick. “Roll over, Van.” Suddenly shaky, I did as he’d asked, spreading my thighs. His weight came down on me, a hot blanket of dewy skin that made me shiver. Shane slid his hand under the pillow and retrieved the condom. I lay still, quaking with anticipation. I’d let fear of pain deny me this pleasure, but no longer. He rose over me, his knees 98

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nudging my legs wider. I jumped as cold gel landed between my buttocks. His hands cupped my ass cheeks, then his thumbs spread the lube down between them and over sensitive skin. I closed my eyes and let my pores soak up his careful touch. Muted sounds told me he was putting on the condom, then his lips scattered kisses on my neck and shoulders. His hands grasped my hips. “Come up on your knees, lover.” It never occurred to me to disobey as he steadied me. One long finger gained entrance, and my quivering gave way to a more violent shaking. My nerves stretched tight as my whole being ached for him to take me. With great care, he massaged tender skin, relaxing the tight ring of muscle and coaxing it into acceptance. Shane’s hand dropped away, and something larger and blunter pressed for entrance. Bit by bit, inch by inch, he took me. Slowly and carefully, he teased my body until it yielded to his. Small muscles danced inside me, welcoming him, wanting him to move. When he did, pulling back, I moaned with the pleasure of it. Shane braced his body on one arm, and reached around me with the other to stroke me. His thumb and middle finger rolled the outer skin over the steel core of my cock. Warm, sweet heat rolled through me, plunging me into velvety darkness. Shane flexed his hips, grinding deep again, then the pressure eased, only to return. White heat flashed through me. The scent of male musk reached me even as his fingers spread the drops of precum I leaked over my glans. He shifted his angle, and it was all I could do to breathe as pure pleasure rolled through me in waves that matched his skillful thrusts. Again and again his pelvis surged against my ass as his fingers 99

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lifted me skyward. My balls drew up tight, my cock pulsing with every rapid beat of my heart. Every moan that rolled out of me echoed from Shane. I rode on the knife-edge of impending orgasm, fighting to stay there and not give over, yet desperately needing to fall. The strain in his hoarse voice was more than I could bear. “I can’t…Van!” I hurtled over the edge, seized by pure bliss. In the pulsing darkness, I was preternaturally aware of heat inside me, of Shane’s low moan as he came. I rocked back against him as my milky life pumped into his hand. I knew every curly hair on his sweaty chest as it stuck to my back. His warm breath teased my neck as he urged me to go down. I must have done it because the sheet was soft against my cheek. The pressure inside me eased as he carefully withdrew, then went limp on top of me. I lay still, the sweat burning my closed eyes. One of us was very fragrant, and I suspected it wasn’t Shane. With another groan, he slid sideways off me, and blessed cool air hit my back. He rolled off the bed and walked into the bathroom. I assumed he went to dispose of the condom because he returned promptly and stretched out beside me once more. Shane draped his arm over me and nuzzled my ear. “Are you okay, Van? Talk to me.” I managed a moan. He smacked my butt, then laughed softly. “Oh, shit. I keep forgetting you like that.” “You’re the one who likes to be spanked, babe. That’s why you’re such a bad boy all the time.” “If I’m so bad, how come I’ve only gotten one spanking from you?” I tried to roll on my side to face him, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. I turned my head to look at him and gave up on moving 100

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the rest of me, at least for now. Besides, moving was overrated. I was limp, sated, marvelously exhausted. All I wanted was to sleep in my lover’s arms, but I knew by his restless feet, Shane was in a chatty mood. “Remind me tomorrow, and I’ll turn you over my knee.” He sighed and stretched. “I’ll hold you to it. Not.” Those long, gentle fingers of his stroked through my hair. “I really love you with longer hair, Van. Will you keep it after the role of Andy ends?” I attempted to get on my side, and this time I made it. I ran my hand down the long line of his torso, from under his arm to his hip. His skin had cooled. “Let me tell you something, Shane. I don’t think Andy Pulaski is ever going away. A character like this has the potential to become part of pop culture. Just how tight a hold does Phil have on the rights to this story?” “Now I’ll tell you something. It’s okay that I do because the secret is about to be revealed to you by its perpetrator. B.J. Braeden is a pen name.” Snatches of conversation clicked in my head. “For Phil?” “Yep. That play is one of the reasons he bought The Globe. He wanted total control over the production, right down to who became Andy.” My pulse jumped, pounding loudly in my ears. Phil had been methodical in bringing Sumner’s Garden to life. The small venue of The Globe was his test. Did he already have backers? Would Lady Luck smile on me a second time? Did I dare hope to play the lead in a movie? Andy Pulaski was the defining role of my career, of that I had no doubt. I was Andy in a way no one else ever would be. I had brought him to life first, and he’d become part 101

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of my soul. He and I were cosmically linked “It sure as hell paid off. This has big screen blockbuster all over it.” Shane laughed. “And you thought Phil only wanted to get Sumner’s Garden into the DVD market.” “So I’m a little slow on the uptake at times.” But now that I saw a bigger picture for the story, I would pay Phil a visit first thing in the morning. Well, maybe the third thing. Making love to Shane at daybreak, then taking a nice, hot shower would be first and second. My stomach rumbled, and Phil got bumped down another notch on my morning agenda. Shane rubbed my belly. “I’m hungry, too. What’s here? I’ll get up and get it.” “Good luck finding anything. It’s been a week since I had time to send young Preston to the grocery store. We’ll have to call for breakfast.” My lover nestled in closer. His arm came around me. “In that case, let’s fool around again.” I knew his responses pretty well, too, and I knew that wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t have enough nitric oxide left in his body to get it up a second time, not tonight. Hell, neither did I. I slipped my hand between our bodies, fondled his limp dick, and snickered. “Right. We’ll use that again. I need to get some sleep, babe.” A subtle tension flowed into him. I cupped his cheek. “What’s wrong, Shane?” He turned his head and kissed my palm. “Are we ever going to talk seriously about the future?” The words he’d said earlier were still alive in me. I think I fell in love with you then. I didn’t know what to say to them, and he 102

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needed to hear something. How brave a man was I? I ran my hand down the back of his thigh and coaxed him to put his knee on my hip, bringing our bodies even closer. “Okay, let’s talk a bit. We agreed this was for the summer. Tonight’s opening put a wild card on the table.” “Is that a bad thing?” “Shane, what happens if Phil can actually sell Sumner’s Garden to Hollywood? Do you ask to go along? Do you stay here? I won’t lie to you. If I get the chance to play Andy on the silver screen, I will.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “When I came home, I swore I wouldn’t stay one second past Dad getting back on his feet. St. Charles is pretty dull compared to New York. But The Globe changed all that for me. And now you’ve changed it again. I’m really not a flighty kinda guy, Van. I swear I’m not. But now all that matters is being wherever you are, and I’m just not sure you want me to be with you.”

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CHAPTER 13 It didn’t seem strange, or odd, to me in the least he had the same fears I did. My concerns had more than the here and now in the mix. He was a young man, twenty-seven, and I was forty. There was a lot of space between those ages. Shane would grow and change in ways he couldn’t even imagine during his thirties. Everyone did. Would I be able to let him go in five years? Or ten? Sooner? I’d have to, if he decided to go. I hoped I could do it gracefully whenever the time arrived, even if it happened in the morning. “Shane, I want you. You’re something special, and you make us special.” His chest pressed against mine as he inhaled. “But you don’t think we can make it.” 104

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I held him tighter. “I didn’t say that, babe. Try and look at this from where I am in my life. I’m forty, and I’ll be old and dried up when you’ll still be a young, vibrant man. That scares me.” He wrapped me in a full body embrace, arms around me, and legs entwined with mine. Shane’s lips brushed mine, then sprinkled kisses over my face. His husky voice, thick with emotion, brought a lump to my throat. “Please don’t be scared, Van. I’ll never love anyone else the way I love you. Just give us a chance and you’ll see. It will work.” The honesty in his voice washed through me, and I knew he spoke the truth. No one would ever love me the way he did. I saw it his smile and felt it in his touch. Could I measure up to that? I buried my face in the soft skin of his neck, unable to speak and tell him I loved him, too. He pulled away. “Van? Hey. Look at me, lover.” I pulled him back to me. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want him to see my wet eyes. My emotion-roughened voice would have to do. Damn it. I was an actor. I should have better control. But I didn’t, not in this. “God, Shane. I do love you. Are you sure? What are we saying here?” “We’re saying we want to be with each other, you stubborn old fart, making me have to say it first.” He hugged me again. “Don’t fall apart on me now.” “Go to sleep.” Shane laughed softly. “You don’t do this well, do you?” “What gave me away?” His fingertips brushed the wet skin below my eyes. “This. I’ve had my share of bad luck with relationship, too, you know. There’s 105

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no age limit on getting your heart broken.” I was glad for the darkness surrounding us. It gave me the chance to get my emotions in check and talk sanely with him. I had so much to say to him and all my jumbled thoughts wanted to go first. “I don’t want to break your heart, Shane. Ever. What if I do?” His warm hand slid along my side, petting me as if he hoped it would keep me calm. It did. “I happen to believe you won’t.” Adrenaline and exhaustion began to take their toll on me. My lips were so heavy I had difficulty forming new words. I didn’t fight it. I’d said the only words that truly mattered when I confessed I loved him. I needed to tell him again. “I love you, but can we either make some coffee or go to sleep?” “Aww, poor baby. You’re tired.” “I warned you. I’m older.” He nestled closer, not that there was any space between us before he wiggled his ass trying to tempt me. I grabbed his butt cheek and squeezed. “I’ll just hold onto this all night.” “You do that, lover.” He yawned in my face, sighed, and promptly fell asleep. Love was a grand thing. *

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As luck would have it, I woke before Shane. He didn’t move as I slithered from his limp embrace and tiptoed to the bathroom, grabbing my cell phone on the way. I took care of the business at hand, then called the lodge kitchen and ordered breakfast. Keeping an eye on my lover, I put coffee on to brew, being as stealthy and 106

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quiet as possible, then parked my ass by the window so I could intercept Preston when he brought the breakfast tray. I didn’t want my young go-fer spotting Shane in my bed and fumbling our morning meal to the floor. It was probably a useless endeavor. Preston was a sharp kid and likely had me and Shane all figured. While I waited, I couldn’t pry my hungry gaze away from the long lines and shadowed valleys of Shane’s beautiful, sleeping form. He loved me. I wanted to step outside and shout it to the world! Fast on the heels of that urge, worry filled me. So many details to attend to in the merging of two lives, not the least of which was love didn’t necessarily equate to monogamy. I’d had my wild days, and being faithful wouldn’t be a problem for me. Had he sown enough wild oats? Could I be understanding and look the other way if he got antsy and tricked someone? I was pretty certain his recent HIV scare would make him very determined to practice safe sex if he did. And what about our careers? I hadn’t lied when I told him I craved New York. I still had mountains I wanted to climb on Broadway. The city was a world apart. I’d made my home there, and I loved it. Could I give it up to be with him? Even now, Constance had a few meetings, and one audition, scheduled for me in the next few weeks. Shane moved slightly, a subtle stretching of his spine and flexing of his shoulders. His breathing didn’t change. He was still asleep. What did he dream about, this young lover of mine? Maybe some rainy evening we’d slip between the sheets and share some of our dreamscapes. Well, if we didn’t fuck each other breathless first. Sex was one part of our relationship I had no worries about. Nothing had to be decided today except we be patient and kind with one another. We had five months until Sumner’s Garden 107

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ended its first run. There was time to for us to talk and work out details. It was enough time for Phil to bring in a few studio bigwigs and see if Hollywood was interested in his script. Some of our decisions hinged on how quickly Sumner’s Garden would be filmed, and I knew in my gut it would be, sooner or later. A movement on the edge of my vision caught my attention. It had to be Preston with our breakfast. I walked to the door on cold, bare feet and opened it. Ice slammed through my veins. “Hello, Van.” “Lynn.” I stepped forward, hastily pulling at the door so he couldn’t see Shane sleeping. Lynn shouldered me aside, blocking me. He looked inside. “He’s a pretty piece, Van.” “Get out of here before he wakes up and before I call the law. They’ll honor the restraining order, Lynn. They will take you into custody if they find you here.” My mind raced, full of fear Lynn would hurt Shane, and jumbled questions. Where was the law? Wasn’t there supposed to be someone watching us? Protecting us? “Oh, I’ll go. I just wanted to see if you could look me in the eye.” I doubted that was the sum total of what he wanted. His gaze darted past me. Was Shane awake? “You trashed the interior of my Lexus. You damaged Shane’s Pontiac. Don’t you think I understand that’s just one step away from more personal violence? For all I know, you created the gas leak in my car. What were you thinking? That I’d come back to you?” Quick as lightning, his hands closed around my arms. “You should’ve treated me better. I loved you, and you threw me away.” 108

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Where were the fucking cops? I prayed Shane would sleep on, blissfully unaware. I didn’t want him to do something stupid like try to save me. “Lynn, I tried to let you go as gently as possible. I offered you money and, instead, you stole what you wanted from my bank accounts. I offered to provide you with a place to live for a year, and you posted nude pictures of me on your blog.” He shook his head. “I want you, Van, not your money or the rent paid.” Lynn spun me around, shoving me down the steps. I managed to catch the railing and keep from falling all the way to the ground. He grabbed me a second time, pushing me toward the woods. I stumbled along, not feeling the sticks and rocks beneath my bare feet. “Here’s the thing, Donovan. If I can’t have you, he can’t either. No one will have you.” Anger surged through me, but I remained docile. I’d thought Andy Pulaski was the performance of my life. I was wrong. Here and now, I acted to save Shane’s life and my own. I didn’t doubt if Lynn could kill me, he’d turn around and go back for my lover. “You want to talk this out? Just you and me? I’ll talk with you, but—” He shoved me. “It’s far too late to talk. Keep walking.” Our path through the woods brought us suddenly to one of the paved roads that crisscrossed the resort grounds. A black Mercedes, the car I’d bought for Lynn, sat parked on the shoulder of the lane. A new burst of anger surged through me. Damn the police for not taking this more seriously and stopping him when he drove through the gate! I stopped abruptly. “Lynn, we need to talk about this. I’ll give you one last chance to leave. Shane has to be awake by now. His first impulse will be 109

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to call the authorities. He has one of the local cops on his speed dial.” He snickered. “That’s rich. I don’t believe you.” “You should. They used to be, shall we say, close.” “Get in the car, Van. Now.” I turned around to look at him and almost stumbled on weak knees. Behind, moving with all the stealth of a battleship was Lieutenant Delauter. Dear Lord, please make Shane stay in the cabin, safe. It was probably useless to pray for Shane to stay put. Knowing him, he was behind the trees and coming to me as fast as he dared. The sound of a car engine straining under a high rpm load intruded into the quiet of the woods. Lynn looked over his should and spotted Delauter. He grabbed me, roughly shoving me yet again. “Get in the fucking car, Van!” “Police! Freeze!” Lynn pushed me against the car, but his attention was shattered. Rattled, he was too worried about the gun in Delauter’s hand to focus on me. I dropped to the ground and grabbed him around the knees. He overbalanced and tumbled down on top of me. Two sets of blue-clad legs came into view. My head hit something, hard, and bright white stars danced in my vision. I managed to keep my grip on Lynn’s legs. Hands were on me, pulling me in several directions. The world spun in a sickening rotation. Even through the fog in my mind, I thought it wise to hold on to whatever anchor I could. “Let him go, MacKenzie. He’s tackled.” I suspected no one disobeyed the good lieutenant, so I let go of Lynn and blinked the world back into focus. Off to the side, 110

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Delauter had Lynn face down on the ground, handcuffing him. Scotty’s grim, unhappy face stared down at me. “Because of you, I had to draw my weapon on a person for the first time. Maybe I should handcuff you.” He helped me sit up and lean back against the car. Shane shouldered him out of the way, then his welcome arms came around me, holding me tightly. “Van! Van, are you okay?” I reached for him, more concerned about the way his voice shook than my pounding head. “I’m fine, babe, honest.” “I called as soon as I realized you were gone, Van.” Shane patted me down, feeling my arms, ribs, and legs. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?” “Just bumped my head on…” Shane’s hands roamed over my skull. I winced as he hit a sore spot. Scotty hauled Lynn to his feet. They scuffled, but Scotty easily forced him into the back seat of the cruiser and slammed the door. I took Shane’s hands in mine so he’d stop rubbing my head. His worried gaze locked on mine, and I gave up. He could pet me in public all he wanted if it made him feel better. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. “Jeez, what the hell took you guys so long?” Delauter growled at me. “It’s all about timing, remembering your lines, and hitting your mark.” I looked up at him, amazed when he actually grinned at me. “Believe it or not, I understand that. Now the question is, did you see enough to charge him with something?” “Sure did, but you’d better show up in court or you’ll answer to me.” “I don’t want any trouble with you, Lieutenant. I’ll make time.” Shane looked up at Delauter. “Did you call the paramedics, or 111

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do I need to get him to the emergency room.” “Oh, no. You need to get me coffee. I’m fine.” Delauter snorted. “I called, but he looks okay to me. I’ll drive you back to your cabin, and the medics can check you over there.” I nodded, then heedless of Delauter’s surprised stare, kissed my lover.

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CHAPTER 14 An hour later, the paramedics had checked me over and pronounced me basically uninjured. My head ached and my feet were lacerated and bruised, but not so badly I needed stitches, just a little rest and time to heal. The St. Charles police department possessed a laid-back attitude. I could give my statement in the morning. Lynn wasn’t going anywhere soon. The district court wouldn’t arraign Lynn until the day after tomorrow at the soonest. I planned to stay in bed most of the day and make it to my curtain call on time tonight. Shane had a few choice words to say about my plan to go onstage as I attempted to talk my way around him. Visibly shaken, his pale lips appeared bloodless. I undressed as he put on fresh coffee. On his orders, I stepped into the shower in front of him. His 113

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arms around me warmed me more than the hot water sheeting over us. I kissed his bristly cheek, near his ear. “I love you, Shane. I was so afraid you’d wake up and he’d hurt you.” My lover smacked my wet ass. “I knew, Van. I woke up and I just knew he’d been here and you’d gone with him.” He held me tighter. “I was so scared I’d lose you, too, like Mom, without telling you again I loved you and saying goodbye.” That sobered me. It was easy to forget a person grieved when they kept it from you. “I’m right here, darling. Will it upset you if I confess I was scared, too?” He took a shuddering breath. “‘Darling’ is it? Now you’re sucking up to me, but it’s too late. To answer your question, nothing can upset me more than I already am.” I suspected as much. “We need to let go of it. I’m fine. You’re fine. Delauter even smiled at me and his face didn’t crack. Everything is manageable from here.” Shane raised his head and looked at me, eyelashes clumped and glistening with water droplets. Very sexy. I grinned at him. “You look like the proverbial drowned rat.” His eyes narrowed. “Now you’re trying to cozy up to me, but I’m cheap and easy enough that it might work.” He reached for the washcloth and soap, and rubbed until he had a good lather. “Turn around and let me wash your back.” I complied and closed my eyes to savor the feel of his ministrations. He scrubbed my backside with efficiency, and more than a bit of force. I sensed his upset giving way to anger. “Damn, babe, leave me some skin.” “Fuck you, Donovan.” 114

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Uh-huh. I steadied myself, determined to let him vent. “Got something you’d like to say to me, Shane?” “Nope.” “Liar.” He grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to face him. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Superman? You just walked right out the door with that lunatic, didn’t you? You didn’t try to wake me up because you thought you had to protect me at all costs. Am I right?” I couldn’t lie to him. “Yes.” His mouth dropped open. “That’s it? You’re not even going to try and justify putting yourself in danger like that?” I rested my hands on his hips. “We both know you’re right. From your point of view, I can’t defend myself. I did just what you said, for the reasons you said.” I plucked the washcloth from his limp fingers, made it sudsy again, and washed his chest. “I had this feeling you’d sense I was gone, wake up, and call for help.” “How can you be so offhand about this?” “I’m not, babe. I feel a little sick to my stomach and my head is pounding. You saw what my blood pressure was when the paramedics took it. But I’m determined not to turn into some sniveling blob of gel over it.” Shane lifted his hands in the air. “You do think you’re Superman!” “With you beside me, who else could I be?” His mouth dropped open, then snapped closed. “Now you are really sucking up, MacKenzie. Big time.” He stared at me, then grabbed the other washcloth. “The water is getting cold. Wash, then get your ass back in bed. I’ll call the kitchen and order another breakfast. Maybe we’ll get to eat it 115

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before it gets cold this time.” “I wanted to wake you up and surprise you with breakfast in bed.” Shane snorted, his unhappy gaze locked to mine. He would be a while getting over this little escapade. “Well, you did fucking surprise me, Donovan.” Donovan. I suspected he’d call me that until I was back in his good graces. I reached past him and turned off the water. Shane stepped out of the shower and handed me a towel. As soon as I was dry, he pointed toward the bed. I padded over to it on sore feet, obedient. Once I was propped up on the pillow, I smeared a little of the ointment the paramedics left on my tender soles. Shane called the kitchen and placed an order, then handed me a steaming mug of coffee. I patted the spot beside me, and he joined me on the bed. I draped my free arm around his shoulders. He sighed and leaned against me. “Well, Van, life with you doesn’t look to be dull.” “It could be a little less exciting, babe. I want no repeats of this morning.” He tapped his cup to mine, and we sipped. Shane laid his hand, warmed from his mug, on my thigh. “I need to call Phil and Bob to let them know what happened. I’ll tell them we’ll make the performance, but we won’t be there until the last moment. You will rest today.” “Yes, dear,” I replied meekly, perfectly content to let him have his own way today. “Van, you’re not telling me how you feel about Lynn showing up here, or what happened. Are you going to keep it all bottled up inside?” If only he’d allow me to do that, but I knew he wouldn’t. 116

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How did I feel? Sometimes it was hard to find words not scripted for me. I hugged him. “I was scared, babe. I’m not going to lie about it. Lynn and I were together over four years, and I never imagined he’d go off the deep end until it happened. I still never believed he’d actually physically hurt me until today. Now I have to ask myself if I’m really that naïve about people.” “Sometimes we don’t have clarity about the people close to us.” “I know. This thing with Lynn…well, I want you to tell me if you feel ignored. He said I paid more attention to my career than to him, but I didn’t grasp how deeply his jealousy went. Don’t get your feathers all ruffled because I’m not comparing you with him, but I do not want to make the same mistake with you.” “The same thing goes for you. I have a career, too. We’ll probably end up working on different coasts from time-to-time. I can handle that if you can.” Thank God he saw that possibility and could be mature about it. “I’ll make sure there’s time written into my contracts so we can have more than phone sex. It’ll drive Constance crazy negotiating that.” Shane laughed. “She’ll love the challenge.” “Am I forgiven for trying to protect you, Shane?” “Yeah, I guess. I still have to yell at Scotty, though. The officer watching the resort entrance reported Lynn driving in and called for backup. When I called Scotty, he and John were just going off duty, but they’d heard the call about the car and changed direction. They could’ve driven faster. Who’s gonna give them a speeding ticket?” “Lieutenant Delauter actually has a first name? I’m amazed.” I 117

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set my empty cup on the nightstand and scrunched down under the covers. Shane swallowed the last of his coffee and set his mug aside mine. We jostled around until we were snuggled down, thigh-tothigh. A bright shaft of late morning sunshine spilled across the bed. He smoothed a lock of hair off my face. “You need a nap so Andy Pulaski will be on top of his game tonight.” I hoped for a lot more. There was a subtle, sliding movement against my groin as his cock nudged mine. I lifted the sheet and peeked. Well, well. Things did look promising. Shane shook his head. “You sleep first and later that will be your reward for taking a snooze until the food arrives. Just turn it off for fifteen minutes, okay?” Actually, a little nap seemed like a good idea. Maybe it was coming down off the adrenaline, or perhaps it was just being all warm and cozy in his arms, but I suddenly struggled to keep my eyes open. Shane seemed to know. “There’s so much I want to say to you, Van, but the most important thing is I really love you. I know you can’t give me a guarantee. I can’t give you one either, but I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” It made me nervous to tempt fate like that, so I’d trust his courage. “No one can shine a light into the future, least of all me. I want to be with you for a long time, too, but know this, Shane. Whatever happens between us, if we last six minutes or sixty years, I love you.” “I know, but time flies when you’re having fun. The future will 118

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get here before we realize it. So we’ll just shine a light for each other and see where life takes us. Is it a deal?” “It’s a deal.” He sealed it with a kiss.

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KC KENDRICKS

Best-selling author KC Kendricks makes her home in Maryland. A 2008 Amber Heat Wave Winner, and a 2008 CAPA nominee, KC writes contemporary gay romances that while are adult in nature, celebrate love and hope for mature readers. Writing more traditional romance under a pseudonym, the author is a two-time EPPIE Finalist, and a 2005 CAPA nominee. With one contemporary title a #1 bestseller, several other top-ten list titles, and a few more recommended reads, the author has established herself as a storyteller that delivers rich, satisfying romantic stories that feature strong themes of love, hope, and redemption with positive, upbeat endings. *

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Don’t miss Give Me One Night by KC Kendricks, available at AmberAllure.com! When passion changes the rules, one more night can alter the future… On St. Patrick’s Day, Brody O’Connor joins the revelry of the yearly pub crawl, hunting a like-minded man for a night of fun and frolic with no strings attached. When a mystery man in an emerald

green shirt engages Brody’s interest, it doesn’t take long for the hunter to become the prey. Well-matched with his mystery man, Brody regrets his “no strings” approach to a night of shared passion that leaves him hungry for more. The morning after, Evan is gone, as agreed. Brody knows it was a mistake to let him go, and vows to find him. Evan also never expected to meet someone like Brody. Now Brody wants to change the rules, and Evan decides he’ll give Brody one more night to convince him to stay…

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