Still Waving

Still Waving

OTHER BOOKS BY LAURENE KELLY

I Started Crying Monday The Crowded Beach

S t i l l Wa v i n g L a u re n e K e l l y

PINIFEX

Spinifex Press Pty Ltd 504 Queensberry Street North Melbourne, Vic. 3051 Australia [email protected] http://www.spinifexpress.com.au First published 2005 Copyright © Laurene Kelly, 2004 This book is copyright. Apart from any fair dealings for the purpose of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act, this book may not be reproduced in whole or in part by any process, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without prior written permission of the copyright owner and the above publisher of the book. Copying for educational purposes Where copies of part or the whole book are made under part VB of the Copyright Act, the law requires the prescribed procedures be followed. For information, contact the Copyright Agency Limited. Edited by Belinda Morris Cover design by Deb Snibson Typeset by Claire Warren Printed and bound by McPherson’s Printing Group National Library of Australia cataloguing-in-publication data Kelly, Laurene, 1954– . Still Waving. ISBN 1 876756 52 7 I. Title. A823.3

For Carol, Bobbie, Hallie, Porgie and Bessie

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I’d like to thank Belinda Morris for her careful editing, along with Maralann Damiano and Susan Hawthorne at Spinifex for believing in me. Thanks also to Wendy Dreadlocks for the title, Eliza for reading, and Saji, Michele and Rob for their ongoing support.

vi

CHAPTER 1

Monday Af ternoon

S

mall waves lap my surfboard. Lying back, I occasionally paddle so I don’t end up floating to

New Zealand. I shield my eyes from the glaring sun and lick salty sea drops from my lips. Squinting up, I stare at the cloudless blue sky. Life, what a joy you are. Where’d that come from? Was it a line from some poem I’d learnt in school? How weird for me to use the word joy. I scratched my head. I mean, who uses that word these days? Sitting up, I paddled around to face south. The afternoon sun shone golden on the sandstone cliffs. The contrast of colour against a stark blue sky took my breath away. I made my hands into a camera, put them to my eye and pretended to snap away. New images were created by constant variations of shadows on the cliff face. I snapped silhouettes of people walking and playing along the cliff track. I must have taken a million photos because my arms began to ache. I sat back, with my face to the sun. The onshore breeze continued to chop up the waves. I turned my board around to face the 1

promenade. Legs astride, I framed scenes of the street and buildings that made up Bondi. It didn’t have the stark contrasts of light and colour of the cliff, so I only snapped a couple of shots. The beach wasn’t very crowded. Scatterings of people stretched along its length and breadth. A few stood or swam in the water. I wondered if stinging bluebottles were milling about in the sea, waiting to attack. They are also known as Portuguese man-of-war, because their formation of attack and protection reminded people of the Portuguese Armada at the height of its power, more than five hundred years ago. The first time I was stung, I got a massive shock. I was mucking about in the sea with my brother Toby, when I felt intense pain in my legs. It was so bad. I didn’t have a clue what’d happened. Toby was stung at the same time. We screamed in agony, raced out of the water and jumped up and down on the sand, swearing and crying. There were long blue tentacles stuck to our legs. Some St John’s ambulance people who guard the beach came and rubbed vinegar on our legs. I’m not impressed with those feral little beasties. I keep my legs on the board, just in case there are any lurking. I gaze into the water and splash around. No blue feral that I can detect. I lay down, dangle my hands and stared into the motionless sky. The slight roll of 2

the waves made my eyes close. I felt so good. My life’s my own out here on my surfboard, I feel like the true me, strong, confident, ambitious and happy. I spend most of the time, that is when I’m not at school or asleep, on the ocean. Even when there are no waves, I like just laying on my board, bobbing about. I thought about the biggest year from hell in my life, which came from my last year of hell, which came after the previous year from hell. My father murdered my mum, my youngest brother Jonathon, my only sister Jennifer and my dog Jesse. I was fourteen, my brother Toby was twelve. I still can’t believe it. Every day, I think about it. I wonder if that’s going to happen for the rest of my life. The court case was late last year. I can’t say I forget about my life with my Mum and Dad, but I hate remembering any of it. I was also taught very strongly, not to tell anybody anything about our family. It was hard to break the loyalty to Mum about keeping silent. In the courtroom, when the truth was too horrible to listen to, I tuned out and imagined myself surfing. It’s so hard for me to talk about. I’m trying to figure it all out, but so much doesn’t make sense. I get headaches trying to answer unanswerable questions. Dad was found guilty by the jury, but in a psycho kind of way. I stared into the water, searching 3

the ripples and spirals, hoping they would reveal some obscure truth. I thought about my dog, Jesse. I loved her nearly the best in my family. Jesse was so smart. My father never liked her and treated her badly. Jesse was terrified of him. It makes me cry to think about how the poor dog tried to obey his irrational and often drunken commands. I wonder if Jesse had tried to alert Mum that Dad was going to murder her. Did she bark a warning? I’m sure she did. In the court I had to answer lots of questions. All these strangers stared at me, listening to every gruesome detail of my family’s disintegration. The judge gave the impression that she’d heard it all before. When the jury gasped or gave each other fleeting glances, the judge would give them a very stern look over the top of her glasses. When I had to answer a question, sometimes just a pip squeak would whisper out. The judge was kind and would give me breaks and drinks of water. It replaced the lost tears in time for my next outburst, I thought. The judge told the lawyers to minimise the questions to me and my brother, and to respect our ages, whatever that meant. Dad shouted a few times and the judge threatened to remove him if it happened again. I felt ashamed and hated him. The 4

trial went on for a fortnight and it was the longest fortnight of my life. I thought it would never end. I saw myself going to court every day, getting older and older. When the jury finally retired to consider their verdict, I was stunned. There was going to be an end to all this, after all. I’d thought the court case would answer why my father had done what he did. It didn’t. I don’t know if justice was served because I don’t know what justice is. One thing I clearly remember was when the judge said, very loudly, that Toby and I weren’t to blame. The judge said young people often think it’s their fault their parents fight, when it is absolutely not their responsibility. Our father’s actions were his own. The judge considered that Dad’s category of murder was one of the worst in all of the variations in the crime of homicide. The killing of one’s own family, and the burden they leave for the surviving members. How did Dad feel now, given that we were the ones left to live with the consequences of his utter selfishness? The judge said due consideration was taken of Dad’s alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs, but nonetheless he would have to carry the burden of his unspeakable actions for the rest of his life. She said the post-traumatic stress my father suffered from not having received proper counselling when he 5

returned to Australia after active duty in Vietnam was a reprehensible indictment on the society that sent these young men to fight this war. The judge said my family’s case was one of a number of cases, where early intervention from proper services may have prevented this tragic outcome. The judge sentenced Dad to thirty-two years in prison, with a non-parole period of twenty-seven years. Unlike the rest of the court, Dad didn’t flinch when the sentence was read out. I thought, he’ll be over seventy when they let him out. A cold splash hit me as someone kicked by on their board and interrupted my train of thought, which was a good thing. It stopped me getting down about my past. The lapping of the sea was hypnotic. I felt myself drifting and wondered for the millionth time, if there was anything I could have done to prevent the deaths? Maybe I could have made Mum leave when things were becoming worse and worse? I ought to have told someone Dad was getting crazier and crazier. I’d failed my little brother and sister. Why wasn’t I there to save them? I knew I could have hit Dad with a stick or something and called the police or a neighbour. I would have saved them all, including Jesse. I felt the sting of tears welling in my eyes. I willed them to stop and wiped away the few that escaped from the corners of my eyes. 6

Mum’s image appeared in my mind, smiling. ‘Mum,’ I smiled back. Her face faded, but one of her sayings stuck in my head, ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. I still can’t understand how Mum kept saying it when things became darker and darker behind our four walls. Why did Mum stay with Dad? Did she really believe he would get better and the violence would stop? Did Mum give up hope, and Dad sensed this time Mum really was leaving and taking all us kids? Is that why he killed her? Another tear dripped slowly down my face. I used to live way out West in red dirt country, surrounded by a near treeless landscape. Sheep were the only shapes dotted around drying dams, or huddling together, throwing patches of shade underneath lonely single trees. The only memories I cherish are my friend Ruby and Mrs Thompson from the library. I was sick of hearing, ‘Time heals all wounds, move on, let go, you’re strong, get over it, worse things happen in Africa.’ Actually the only people who’ve said that are my doctor and counsellor. I made up the bit about Africa, but that’s the patronising kind of things they say. I’m over it! They can’t tell me how long grief lasts. Sometimes I’m so angry at everything, like a volcano about to erupt. I can’t find words to describe how I’m feeling, which 7

makes me even angrier. I punch my pillows often, well, actually heaps. I’ll need new ones soon. Telltale feathers are starting to appear in strange places in my room, and on my clothes. I paddled around to face east. A swirling band of smoke drifted across the sky. It crept along the horizon, darkening the sea. The hot northerly blew a burning eucalypt scent. I imagined tree tops exploding as the oil combusted, turning branches skeletal. I’d seen bushfires before, a lot closer than now. I hated the thought of the animals and birds being killed or maimed, their homes destroyed. I knew how they felt. I remembered a story in primary school called Death of a Wombat. Tears welled in my eyes. I splashed seawater on my face. Tears and saltwater mingled, tasting the same. I’d been oblivious till now, to the size of the fire, sixty kilometres from the city. The smoke seemed incongruous as I watched from the cool sea. I inhaled deeply and tasted burning gum smoke mingled with the sea’s salty odour. I pitched up and down on my surfboard, wishing the promised wind change would arrive. The sea had flattened and become glassy. I turned my board and faced North Head. The smoke was darker, more foreboding with an ominous orange tinge. It was an enormous fire. Burning ash was visible and fell like black rain around me. I 8

hated fires burning things, destroying lives. I dived into the water under my surfboard to chill. I shook seawater out of my hair as I clambered back on to my board. I scanned the beach, shading my eyes. The people were like blobs of shapes and silhouettes. I was on my own, away from everybody. It was a different world. I was part of the ocean, a sea creature watching life on land. The wind whispered, I ruled the waves, the sea rolled in support. I remembered the first time Aunt Jean hired surfboards for my friend Ruby and me, in the last summer holidays. I’d come to the beach practically every day since. I dream of being a world champion surfer, one day. At first I got a hard time from the regular surfers. I wasn’t allowed to get any waves. There are rules and you’ve got to know them to avoid getting hassled. The worst thing is to ‘drop in’, taking off on someone else’s wave. This is the downside of surfing and can turn very nasty. I moved away from the aggro to practise away from grommets and other jerks who thought they owned every single good wave. It was scary standing up for the first time. I fell straight off because my legs were shaking so much. I suffered bruises and hits from my board many times in the beginning. I once ended up with my legs 9

sticking up in the air with my head embedded on the ocean bottom. Sometimes I felt like my right leg was going to be ripped off by my legrope. The waves would pick me up and take me so fast, the noise of the water roaring, there was no time to do anything but swear you’d be good for the rest of your life, praying wherever the sea took you wouldn’t be too cruel and punishing. I cried heaps in the first few months. I thought I’d always wipe out and be battered and bruised. I tried harder to stand for longer and ride the wave more than six inches. I willed myself to keep going, while my leg muscles screamed in pain. Surfing is the second hardest thing I’ve done in my life. The court stuff was ten million times worse. I’m sick of how Toby and Aunt Jean go on about my surfing. They reckon I’m obsessed. I tell them there could be stuff heaps worse I could be on about, like food or clothes or something. That shuts Aunt Jean up. I don’t tell them that I feel closer to Mum when I’m surfing. I sometimes talk with my Mum out there, especially when I’ve done a really cool manoeuvre, or finally got the hang of a new technique. The first time I rode a wave all the way in, and jumped off like a professional, I was so stoked. I wanted to tell the world and be on TV. I imagined myself receiving the World Cup, and thanking my 10

fans for their support. I kissed the cup and huge cheque and signed numerous autographs. Self doubt had made me wonder if it’d been a fluke. I paddled straight back out and did it again and again. At last I knew I could ride a complete wave, and was a real surfer like Layne Beachley! I saved up for months for my own board. Aunt Jean and Toby paid the rest for my sixteenth birthday and also gave me a wetsuit. I was blown away. My surfboard is magic with rainbow colours going from the purple nose down to the red fin. I’m sure sharks see bright colours and would never mistake me for a seal. It was awesome the first day I rode it. It was so much better on my own board and I closed my eyes now, to capture the feeling again. Look out world! Look out Hawaii, I whispered. I’m ready to be the world champion. Well not exactly, but I’ve entered a competition over at North Steyne in a couple of weeks. I thought back to when I found a photo and article about Isobel Letham. She was Australia’s first professional surfer. It was nearly a hundred years ago. This Hawaiian Duke guy came out to show Australia how to surf. He chose fifteen-year-old Isobel to learn. Isobel had said her first ride was like going over a cliff. She’d been terrified, but was hooked. I feel a bond with Isobel because I felt exactly the same on 11

my first big wave. Like Isobel, I was seriously addicted. I stared up at the blue sky, and watched the clouds of smoke spreading towards Maroubra. ‘Hey.’ I sat up. A blonde girl paddled towards me. I looked around to see if she was talking to someone else. ‘Me?’ I said pointing at myself. ‘Yeah, you. Are you on drugs or something? You look like you’re in a trance.’ ‘N . . . no! I was thinking about,’ I searched for something to say, ‘um, you know, the smoke and the fire and all that.’ ‘It’s bad, that’s why I’m laying here chilling out. It’s too hard to take it all in. This stuff going on, you know what I mean.’ ‘Yeah.’ I had no idea what this stranger was talking about. ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Jules.’ ‘I’m Kate. This your home break?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I’ve never been here before. I live up north. I’m visiting my older sister, who lives over there.’ Kate pointed towards North Head. I nodded in recognition. ‘Are there fires up your way?’ 12

‘You bet. I’ve smelt smoke every day since September. This looks bad.’ Kate turned to the horizon. ‘I can smell this one.’ I pointed at the smoke silently sneaking around the corner of the Heads. ‘You must have a good sense of smell. I can only smell pollution.’ ‘That happened to me at first, but I’m used to it now.’ Oh damn. Why did I say that? Why didn’t I do my usual and pretend that I was born and bred right here on top of the waves at Bondi? ‘How long have you lived here?’ ‘Nearly eighteen months.’ That was all I was going to say. I hoped there’d be no more questions. I hated questions. ‘This is paradise to me.’ I indicated the ocean with an expansive wave. ‘Me too,’ Kate agreed, easily. I looked at her sun-tinted hair and thought of golden hay. ‘How long you been surfing?’ Kate splashed water on her face. Questions. I don’t have a father and mother okay, my head screamed. ‘A year. What about you?’ I answered coolly. I tried not to be rude. Kate didn’t know about my rotten past. I hardly ever talked to anyone about it. This was the longest conversation I’d had on the 13

waves. This was my haven. I could distance myself from the human race, or as my friend Phoebe says, ‘the human disgrace’, by just hanging in the water. ‘I started when I was four.’ Kate gestured towards the horizon. ‘It’s not happening today, in my opinion.’ Kate expanded her arms embracing the ocean. ‘Four, that’s incredible. Lucky you.’ I wanted to blurt out that I was going to be world champion, but I thought better of it. I hadn’t factored in the Kates of the world. What if Kate wanted to be world champion? She’d laugh at me. How could I compete with someone who’d been surfing since they were four! I had to get real about my prospects. I might have to rethink my plan and timeline to be holding the World Cup, autographs and big cheques. I hadn’t thought about the competition. It was me alone riding the waves. I’d jump off my board gracefully and even the judges would clap. It would be the most perfect ride they’d ever seen. ‘Do you reckon there’ll be any action?’ Kate looked out to the horizon, shielding her eyes. I noticed Kate had the latest sun-protection gear and that her surfboard looked custom made. The board was aquamarine and well camouflaged against the water. Kate appeared to be floating unaided. A shark wouldn’t see her, I thought. 14

‘No it’s an onshore breeze and it’s been this way since early this morning. I don’t think the wind is going to change, but if I leave it probably will.’ ‘Yeah, I think like that. It’s dumb. I wait and wait, get all wrinkly and it doesn’t happen.’ We both looked out to sea. It was flat as a tack and even the breeze had dropped. ‘I think it’s time to exit stage right,’ I said. ‘Excuse me?’ God I’m so uncool. How embarrassing. This was one of those things that still happened to me. Because I’d grown up most of my life in Woop Woop, sometimes my language in the city was totally yesterday. I felt my face tighten with a red flush. ‘You know, go,’ I spluttered out. My stomach fluttered in anticipation of rejection. Would Kate think I was a moron? ‘You mean “hit the frog and toad”,’ Kate laughed. I looked at her. ‘The frog and what?’ ‘Toad, you know those slimy ugly things that give you warts.’ ‘Gross.’ ‘Haven’t you heard that one?’ ‘Yeah I know toads give you warts if you kiss them.’ Kate laughed. ‘No, I mean frog and toad for road. It’s rhyming slang.’ ‘Rhyming slang, like Germaine Greer for ear.’ 15

‘Wow, I never heard that one before.’ Kate shaded her eyes and looked straight at me. Her blue eyes were so clear, I saw my reflection in them. ‘What did you say about a stage door?’ ‘Oh it was nothing.’ ‘Tell me.’ I laughed. ‘It’s just something I picked up ages ago, and it sort of stuck. Exit stage right.’ ‘Mmm. I see.’ Kate’s eyes twinkled with amusement. ‘Would you like to come back to my sister’s for a while?’ Kate asked. I was startled. My hesitation seemed to surprise her. ‘You can say no. I only asked. I reckon it’s cool to meet a girl curl, who isn’t up herself thinking she’s Trudy Todd, or just pretending to be a surfer to impress a grommet. I can tell you’re for real.’ Trudy Todd was another one of my surfing idols. She’d won the Triple Crown title in Hawaii in 1999. I thought about Kate’s offer. Why not go to her sister’s place? I’d always surfed on my own. My best friends Phoebe and Jasmine hated the beach. They rarely came or even swam at all. Phoebe said the sand was revolting because you couldn’t get away from it, and the ocean was so noisy crashing against the shore all the time, that she couldn’t hear herself think. Jasmine hated the sun and cultivated the pale look and wouldn’t even eat sandwiches because they had 16

the word sand in them. It might be good to have a surfing friend. Kate didn’t live here. It didn’t have to be a permanent friendship or anything. I was a bit scared of making new friends. Sooner or later I’d have to tell them about my past and being an orphan and all that. I shuddered inside at the thought. ‘How long are you here for?’ I asked. ‘A few more weeks. Do you want to come or not?’ ‘Sure, let’s go.’ We paddled side by side. Picking up our boards as we reached shore, we trotted together on to the sand. ‘Where’s your stuff?’ I asked Kate. ‘Over there,’ Kate pointed. I only took a towel and a water bottle with me when I went surfing. I’d lost sunglasses, keys, money and clothes in the past. I’d thought I couldn’t find them because I’d forgotten where I’d put them, as the beach seemed to move when I was in the water. The real reason they were gone was simple. Some low-life had ripped them off. I had a small pocket in my wetsuit where I kept money and keys now, and only left my towel and water bottle on the beach. We made our way up the beach and headed towards Hastings Parade. Kate’s sister’s place was in a new block of apartments. It had a balcony that looked out across the 17

ocean and the beaches and coastline as far as Maroubra. ‘This must cost a fortune,’ I said looking around. ‘My sister owns it.’ ‘Wow.’ ‘She’ll be broke forever paying back the bank. She works her guts out as a personal assistant to this politician, practically eight days a week. It’s not my idea of a life, but who am I to judge what anyone does? I couldn’t live here. It’s too new or something.’ Kate opened the balcony doors and I stepped out to take in the familiar view. It was the view I shared from one street higher up. I pointed out the building I lived in and our rooftop patio. ‘Gee that’s close. That’s great.’ Kate went back inside. I looked at the familiar horizon. ‘Would you like a Cruiser?’ Kate opened the fridge. ‘I d . . . don’t drink,’ I stammered. ‘Everyone drinks.’ Kate was pouring a Cruiser into two glasses. ‘No, I don’t want any thanks.’ I hoped my voice didn’t quake. ‘Have you ever tried one?’ ‘No, I told you I don’t drink.’ I didn’t turn around to look at Kate’s expression. I glued my eyes on a 18

couple of container ships on the horizon. ‘Do you go to parties and stuff, raves or anything?’ ‘Sometimes.’ ‘What do you drink there?’ ‘Juice.’ I turned and faced Kate. ‘Straight juice, you’re kidding me. Try this, you might like it. One can’t hurt.’ I felt trapped and wished I had the guts to just get up and leave. I’d drunk champagne before and tasted wine, but not these lolly water things. They didn’t appeal to me at all. The colours made me think of technicolour yawning as my stupid Dad used to say. I didn’t like soft drinks much. I think it was because I’d mostly drunk water when I was growing up on the farm. Most of my experiences with alcohol have been bad. The first party I went to in Sydney was awful. There’d been one really drunk girl totally out of it and some stupid guys hassling her. It was so dangerous for her. There was nothing she could do to protect herself. It still freaked me out when I thought about it. I didn’t know what to say. Kate had put the glass in front of me. ‘Go on, just try it.’ I gave in. I couldn’t be bothered arguing. It was probably true, one couldn’t hurt. The taste was sickly sweet and my eyes watered. ‘Yuck.’ 19

‘You get used to it.’ I wanted to say that I’d never got used to my father’s alcoholism. Somewhere deep in my mind I vaguely remembered Dad before he became totally addicted to it, but I’d quickly lose the memory if I tried to grasp it. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t be bothered. ‘I don’t like it. I’d rather juice or water.’ I walked towards the kitchen to pour it down the sink. ‘All right, don’t drink it then, but don’t waste it. I’ll drink it.’ Kate sounded annoyed. ‘I told you I don’t drink and anyway I don’t like the taste.’ I put the glass down on the bench. ‘How about champagne? Everyone likes champagne.’ Kate went to the fridge again and brought out a bottle. ‘I said juice or water would be fine.’ I sighed. How many times did I have to go through this? I felt like an endangered species when I said no to alcohol and drugs. It wasn’t because of all the bad stuff said in the papers and school. I didn’t believe a lot of it because my friends enjoyed themselves and didn’t end up front-page news. It was just that I didn’t like the thought of losing control in any situation with out-of-it people. I’d heard a couple of people giving away their secrets and behaving badly with a few drinks or on some drugs. I was scared I’d blurt out 20

the truth about my parents. The other reason was Dad’s alcohol problem. I was scared I might become one too, and murder someone. I’d heard this stuff about it being genetic. If I didn’t drink maybe I’d be safe from that. My brother felt the same. Aunt Jean said that it wasn’t necessarily genetic, but she couldn’t convince us when she said it was about choice and moderation. Kate interrupted my thoughts. ‘Come on Jules, it’s so good meeting you. I thought I’d be totally alone here, except for my sister and her old friends.’ ‘All right, just a small glass then.’ I could handle drinking for a celebration. In fact that was the decision I made last year about alcohol. I’d only drink when I was celebrating something. I didn’t feel very cheerful now though. I felt weak and a little ashamed that I’d given in. The bubbles went up my nostrils and I sort of coughed. Why couldn’t I be as strong as I was when I was on a wave? Where did my power go on land? ‘You really aren’t very good at this, are you?’ Kate said. ‘I don’t want to be good at it. I might go now thanks,’ I bristled. ‘Why? You’ve only just got here and it’s not as if you have to go anywhere. Chill out.’ 21

I walked over to the window. ‘Look Kate, I don’t like doing things I don’t want to. Okay.’ I looked at her. ‘It’s been a really hard year for me and plenty of times people have tried to get me to drink or take drugs, but I’ve said no, because I wanted to say no.’ My voice quivered and my lip shook, but I felt determined to say what I had to say. ‘I’m sorry Jules, I’m used to getting drunk with my friends and stuff. That’s what we do. It’s our fun, you know, it’s practically all there is to do. Everything else is so boring. I don’t want to give you a hard time.’ ‘Well it’s not my idea of a good time, and if that means you don’t want to hang around or go surfing with me that’s fine. I’m cool on my own.’ ‘No, no. I want to surf with you and I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the first person over the age of twelve I’ve met, that doesn’t just want to get wasted. You’ll be good for me. I’ll have to keep it together around you.’ Kate saluted me, which I didn’t like, but I said nothing. I didn’t want to be good for her. I didn’t want to keep having to say no about things. I know it was just some alcohol now, but what next, drugs? I thought about Phoebe and Jasmine. They drink and stuff, but they never hassle me. They said I was great to go out with because I always looked after them. ‘Look Kate, you might think I’m totally uncool. All 22

I really like is surfing and I’m not into parties or stuff. I get bored seeing people out of it. You might want to go out with my friends. They’re into all that stuff.’ ‘Yeah, sure, but I’d still like to get to know you. You’re cool for being you. Don’t forget that.’ I smiled, despite myself. ‘Let’s deal, you don’t hassle me about the drink and drugs stuff, and we’ll be cool. If you hassle me, even once, I’m out of here.’ ‘Cool. The mention of alcohol will never pass these lips in your presence, captain.’ ‘Don’t call me captain.’ ‘Not an issue. It’s a deal. Do you think we should write it down and sign it in blood or earwax or something?’ I laughed. ‘That’s disgusting.’ ‘What, blood?’ ‘Earwax, that’s an ugly thought.’ I felt more comfortable. Laughing did that I reckon. I relaxed and listened as Kate told me about some of the different beaches she’d surfed. I felt a bit lightheaded and pleased with the world. ‘Do you want another one?’ ‘No thanks, I better go. Maybe we could meet later on this afternoon if the breeze changes. I could ring you.’ ‘That’d be great. I’ll give you my number.’ ‘I won’t surf with you if you’re drunk, okay.’ 23

‘Chi-i-ill ! I don’t surf if I’m drunk. It’s a trip to suicide, not my kind of thing. I won’t have any more now. I don’t drink alone, that’s so desperate, I reckon.’ I smiled. Kate was different from my other friends. I admired her for being so upfront and saying chill in this cool voice. Maybe our surfing bond made me feel like I’d known her for ages, not that we’d only met a couple of hours ago. ‘I’ll call you with a weather report.’ Kate grabbed me and gave me a hug. I got such a shock. ‘It’s so good I met you, Jules. I had a feeling something was going to happen, you know. Today felt different. I’m so psychic, I should write personal predictions for a girl-power mag.’ I laughed, ‘I’ll ring you even if the weather doesn’t change.’ ‘Don’t forget.’ I sort of skipped home not even feeling the surfboard’s weight. A surfing friend, I could share impact zones, floaters and cut-backs with. I felt so good. I wondered how long it would be before I let something slip about my past. That put the anchors on my skips. Sighing, I slowly walked the footpath breathing in that burnt eucalypt smell.

24

CHAPTER 2

Monday Evening

A

unt Jean was home. I could hear her in the kitchen.

‘Hi Aunt Jean.’ ‘Hi Julie, how was your day?’ ‘No surf but I met this cool girl curl.’ ‘Girl curl?’ Aunt Jean gave me a queer look. ‘You know, girl surfer, don’t be so yesterday. That’s what I am. A girl curl. A waxhead.’ Aunt Jean looked concerned. ‘I hope you’re a bit more than that, Julie.’ Why was Aunt Jean so serious, why didn’t she just chill out and get a life! I know my school results were on her mind and that she was dying to ask if they’d come with today’s mail. My mental vomit zone was thinking what those results were going to say. It had been a bad year and I didn’t feel I could possibly have done very well. I prayed every day for a mail strike. I went to the fridge to get some chilled water. ‘Do you want a slice of lemon with that?’ Aunt Jean already had a tumbler filled with ice 25

cubes and lemon. ‘Yes.’ ‘Let’s go up to the roof where you can tell me all about this, um, girl curl you’ve met.’ The air became thicker as I climbed the stairs. I stepped out on to the roof and the heat closed in all around me. It was hard to breathe and my throat burnt slightly. ‘Gee it’s bloody hot.’ I remember the first time I’d said ‘bloody’, when I was about seven, I got belted. It didn’t seem fair because I’d learnt the bloody word off Mum and Dad. It didn’t stop me saying it then, and now I say it when I bloody well feel like it, whenever I bloody can. We walked to the roof’s edge. ‘I’ve never seen it like this before. So much smoke, so close and even burning embers falling in some parts of the city,’ Aunt Jean said. ‘They believe most of the fires were deliberately lit.’ I shuddered. My father deliberately lit a deadly fire. Aunt Jean looked at me and put her hand on my arm. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up that subject.’ ‘I’ve got to get over words like, you know, murder, arson, domestic violence, child abuse.’ I looked at Aunt Jean defiantly. ‘Oh Julie.’ 26

‘It’s okay.’ I turned away, tears stinging my eyes. I took deep breaths, tried to think about nothing and not spin out. ‘It’s not your fault.’ ‘Remember, it’s not yours either.’ I shook her hand off my arm. ‘I didn’t say it was.’ ‘Julie, a lot of children . . .’ ‘I’m not a child!’ I was that close to just getting up and running down to my room and slamming the door, but something held me back. Maybe my age, I wasn’t fourteen anymore. I felt my mother around me, calming me. I wanted Mum in person, not just this feeling. I wanted her to hug me, like she used to when I was upset. I’d never have my mother’s hug again, ever. Its absence made me ache all over. I wanted to roll up into a little ball and roll away. Aunt Jean’s voice interrupted my impending despair. ‘Jules, I didn’t mean to offend you and say you’re a child. I was saying a lot of young people . . .’ I shot daggers and was about to say something angry. Aunt Jean put her hand up. ‘Please don’t interrupt. Children, young people, even adults feel responsible for their parents’ or partner’s bad behaviour.’ ‘I’ve heard this a thousand times.’ I crossed my arms. 27

If Aunt Jean was going to lecture me, I was going to jump off the roof. I could see the headline in the paper. ‘Potential World Champion Girl Curl Final Fall Total Wipe-out!’ I almost smiled at the way my brain interrupted a dramatic moment with a stupid thought. ‘Julie, let’s have a truce. It’s too hot and airless to waste energy fighting. I know you know all about it.’ Aunt Jean put her hand on my arm and I let her. ‘Tell me about this girl you’ve met.’ I was glad Aunt Jean had changed the subject. The unhappy part of me wanted to say she drinks and takes drugs. ‘She’s cool.’ What’s the point of me being angry with Aunt Jean? After all what’s she ever done wrong to me? ‘What’s her name?’ ‘Kate.’ ‘Does she live around here?’ ‘No, up the coast. She’s staying with her sister over there.’ I pointed at the apartment block. ‘Whoa. Very nice. Very expensive.’ ‘Her sister works for some politician. She’s his personal assistant or something.’ ‘Very stressful job, I’d imagine.’ ‘Kate reckons her sister works eight days a week.’ ‘You’ll have to invite Kate over.’ ‘I told her I’d ring her if the waves got up.’ 28

‘There’s a postcard from Toby, did you see it?’ ‘Yeah, I read it before I went out.’ I was surprised that I got a lump in my throat. I missed my brother. It was the first time I realised it. When he was here he’d driven me mad with his attitude. I was glad he went to stay with Uncle Wayne for the holidays. They were building a house and Uncle Wayne had bought some sheep. Toby said Uncle Wayne was doing it all really differently. I didn’t know what he meant. Toby also said he was glad he was away from the noise, smell and crowds, and that he’d hardly seen anyone. He didn’t go anywhere, just stayed on the farm. I worried about that a bit. I’d ask my friend Ruby and some of her brothers to go see him and take him for a swim at the waterhole. ‘He sounds happy don’t you think?’ ‘He doesn’t like the city much, but yeah he sounds good. I hope he doesn’t get lonely.’ ‘Do you miss him?’ ‘Do you?’ I shot back. ‘Yes and no,’ Aunt Jean laughed. ‘I’m glad he sounds happier than he has for a long time.’ ‘Yeah I sort of miss him, but I’m glad I don’t have to hassle with him every day. You know all that stuff about us conspiring against him because of being what he called femobats, whatever that meant.’ 29

‘I understand why he feels that sometimes, but it’s tiring trying to convince him that he has to take responsibility for his attitude and lack of cooperation. Whatever we try and do it’s in his best interests and I hope one day he’ll realise that.’ Aunt Jean sounded a bit edgy. ‘I’m glad he seems happier. It’s all you can wish.’ For a moment I was taken back in time to when I’d heard my grandmother say those very same words. We clinked glasses. ‘To femobats!’ I said and Aunt Jean laughed loudly. The afternoon was fading fast. I finished my drink and could taste smoke in my mouth and in my nostrils. We sat in comfortable silence, staring out to sea. I liked that with Aunt Jean. If we had a disagreement it wouldn’t go on and on, like it did with Mum. When it was over, it was truly over. I could sit comfortably without having to speak and Aunt Jean wouldn’t assume something was up. ‘Kate drinks.’ I broke the silence. ‘I hate how you’re made to feel like a freak if you don’t want to get wasted. It’s stupid.’ ‘It must be hard. I suppose it makes you feel different, not one of the crowd.’ I let Aunt Jean put her arm around me. ‘Yeah different, I’ll always be different won’t I? I’ll never be the 30

same as them. I’ll never really be one of the crowd.’ ‘Others have been through what you have and I imagine they feel the same way you do.’ ‘My counsellor told me last time that they were trying to get a group together, you know, other kids who have experienced familial murders, but I don’t know. If they’re anything like me, they won’t want to talk about it with anybody.’ ‘It would be a very quiet group.’ Aunt Jean was trying to raise the heavy cloud descending around us. ‘Well I don’t want to talk about it ever again.’ I felt sad, that this probably couldn’t happen. It would never go away. ‘I think the breeze is changing,’ Aunt Jean sighed. I knew it hurt her as much as me, but sometimes I felt so terribly alone that it was beyond sharing words. Everything came out angry and disjointed. I walked to the roof edge. There was a slight change, but not in the right direction for surfing. ‘I don’t think there’ll be waves. I’ll give it another hour before I decide if it’s worth taking a look.’ ‘What about a swim if there’s no surf? I’d like to cool off. I feel like I’ve got smoke all in my skin and hair.’ Aunt Jean rubbed her graying hair. ‘Okay.’ ‘Will you invite your new friend?’ ‘Not today. I need some space.’ 31

When we got back from the beach, Aunt Jean had the first shower. I rang Kate. ‘Hi, it’s Jules.’ ‘Hi, I’m glad you rang. I thought you’d forget.’ ‘I went for a swim with my aunt. It was glassy, not even a wavelet.’ ‘Wavelet?’ Kate spluttered. ‘A baby wave,’ I laughed. ‘Tomorrow the wind is meant to shift to the south west. Do you want to check it out first light?’ ‘Wicked.’ ‘If you walk up your street and take the first street left, I’ll be outside a white building. You’ll see me.’ ‘I’ll pray for the wind to change.’ ‘Do you pray?’ ‘Yeah to someone I believe in. Me, myself and I.’ I felt good at how Kate made me laugh, when I least expected it. ‘I better go and have a shower,’ I said. ‘See you in the morning.’ ‘Yep, see you at sparrow fart.’ ‘Kate, that’s revolting.’ ‘What do you say?’ ‘Light before the dawn.’ ‘Jules, you’re weird. Catch you tomorrow.’ I knew Kate meant I was weird in a nice way. I didn’t feel offended. I grabbed my pyjamas and went 32

to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt different than I had this morning but looked the same. I tried to see if any of the change I felt inside, showed on the outside. I couldn’t see any difference so I turned the shower on, regulated to the right temperature and stepped under. That night as I lay in my bed, I tried to count up the good and bad things that made up my day. Meeting Kate was a plus I think. I wondered if Phoebe and Jasmine would like her. My friendship with them had grown in the past year. It took a little while because I was so shy. I was also petrified that they’d find out about the court case and who my father was. It gave me nightmares trying to think how I’d tell them the truth. I’d decided I had to. I’d grown to trust they liked me and a secret like that between friends was a drag, I was always on my guard and pretty evasive when they asked me questions. I remember Phoebe saying to me over and over, to loosen up and not be so serious. I eventually told them about my family. They were stunned and hugged me tight. I cried, they cried and then we all laughed. It felt so much better that I didn’t have to carry that secret anymore. I knew they’d kept it completely confidential. If they hadn’t I would’ve been able to tell by how other kids at school treated 33

me. I didn’t detect any change in how others were. Phoebe and Jasmine didn’t stop being my friends, or treat me like I had a murderer’s gene or anything. They were totally cool. I loved them both for that. I felt lucky to have such good friends. Toby had told me he hadn’t told anyone at his new school about the murders. He didn’t feel like he had to or even wanted to. Boys were different. Girls hug and swap hankies. Boys get embarrassed if you tell them something personal. His mates would only have made bad jokes and pretended Toby would murder them. He didn’t want to bother with the crap that would follow telling about his past in the bush, is how he explained keeping such a huge secret. When I’d asked Toby if he thought he’d ever tell anyone, he’d answered never. I said I thought it was unhealthy not to talk about it with someone. He’d responded with, ‘So’s living.’ What could I say? It was frustrating trying to have a grown-up conversation with Toby. It was like Toby’s brain was an animal of a different species. I had to accept we had different tunings. It didn’t mean he was an idiot. It meant we were different, that’s all. Sounds simple but sometimes I couldn’t help shaking my head at his apparent incomprehension of the basic facts of life. I eventually got tired of thinking and dropped off 34

to sleep. My last sleepy thoughts were of surfing. Please bring us waves tomorrow, was my last conscious thought.

35

CHAPTER 3

Tu e s d a y M o r n i n g

I

awoke to dawn light peeping through a gap in the curtains. Dressing hurriedly, I grabbed my wetsuit

and surfboard and placed them in the hall. Aunt Jean was still asleep. I tiptoed passed her door and went out and up on to the roof. The sun hadn’t appeared but it announced its imminent arrival with shafts of light stretching to the dark sky above. The rays of the impending sun reflected across the water and into the clouds of smoke above. There was a slight southwesterly breeze. Great, there’d be some kind of swell. Looking towards the southern end of the beach, I tried to make out in the semi-dark, if the ocean was good for surfing. I thought I could detect the roll of waves in the blackened water. Why did I always forget to bring the binoculars? Maybe I ought to stash them somewhere safe on the roof. I realised immediately that it wouldn’t work because I used them from the balcony regularly too. They’d never be where I wanted them. I looked to the horizon at the smoke sitting motionless. It didn’t seem as thick as yesterday. The sky above lightened and the distant stars started 36

disappearing, one by one. To the west there was a crescent moon low in the sky. The lights were still on in the streets, and the cafés on Campbell Parade. It was going to be a good day. I could feel it in my bones! I raced downstairs, had a glass of water, grabbed a banana and ate it as I pulled my wetsuit on. I wrote a quick note for Aunt Jean. This was one of her rules. No matter what, I had to let her know where I was going. I wrote I doubted I’d be back before she went to work, SURF’S UP, in big letters. Sometimes Aunt Jean watched me surfing through the binoculars. This gave me a warm feeling. Even though Aunt Jean drove me mad sometimes, I knew she cared for me. I closed the front door quietly and raced down the stairs to the street. Kate wasn’t there. I wondered if she was awake yet. I hoped so, because I wouldn’t wait forever. I could see more of the street and could hear the air brakes of descending buses and garbage trucks roaring around Military Road. One of my neighbours jogged by and we nodded at each other in recognition. A couple of people from the flats down the road were just getting home. ‘Jules.’ I looked up and could see Kate shadowed against the fading night sky. 37

‘Kate, hi. I reckon the wind’s offshore.’ ‘It’s definitely coming from over there.’ Kate pointed south west. We padded down the street in a half run. ‘Do you want to go along the Parade or beach?’ ‘How far is it?’ ‘About a kilometre.’ ‘Let’s go along the beach.’ We headed past the rock pool. It was half full of seawater. The tide was coming in. Waves crashed, spraying spumes of whitewater over the rocks. There were a couple of fishermen at Ben Buckler Point. We walked hastily along the top of the beach. There weren’t many cars on Campbell Parade. A cacophony of birdsong beat the traffic sounds. Sulphur-crested cockatoos screeched around the decreasing shadows of the pavilion. Rainbow lorikeets hopped around the grass, and on and off the overflowing rubbish bins. Pied magpies were noisily engaged in a battle with the lorikeets for control of the rubbish bins. ‘I didn’t expect that there would be so many birds,’ Kate said, looking towards the pavilion and the screeching cockies. ‘It’s probably one of the only cities in the world where there are more than pigeons, sparrows and mynahs.’ We walked to the water’s edge and felt the water temperature. Waves crashed intermittently against 38

the shore. A tractor up ahead was raking the sand for rubbish. Two beach buggies crawled along beside the tractor. One had large rubbish bins on it and the other one had the rescue boards that they placed along the foreshore. Anyone could use them but they mostly were for the lifesavers to use if anyone got into trouble in the water. Several people with metal detectors were moving up and down and around and round the sand, hunting for the loose change that had fallen out of other people’s pockets. The sky lightened and day crept over the suburbs. The smoke gave the rising sun an eerie look. From a huge golden orb rising above the sea, it became like a red basketball above the horizon. The reflections of light, mixed with smoke, made the sky in the east, amber streaked with topaz. Rays of sunlight streaked across the water. ‘Being a surfer is so good,’ Kate said. ‘We see the best sunrises and sunsets nearly every day of our lives.’ ‘It’s magic.’ I laughed and felt lighter than I had in a long time. We stopped for a moment and took in the confused sky. Kate turned around. ‘I’ve never seen so many joggers in my life.’ ‘I’d rather surf or swim. I don’t get this running thing,’ I replied, silently counting joggers. ‘Me either.’ 39

When we reached the southern end there were a handful of surfers out near the break. A few people stood close to shore, facing the sun. Others were in the water ducking under waves as they rolled across them. The lifesavers had already put the safety flags up. We put our towels between the flag and the southern reef. We watched a young guy wipe out. ‘Grommet!’ Kate and I said together, laughing. We paddled out beyond the break. The waves were nearly a metre. Not big, but good to practise techniques on. ‘Be careful of the leftie,’ I said pointing to the reef. ‘You can end up getting scraped on the rocks if you wipe out over there.’ I studied the sea. ‘It’s okay, they’re breaking right.’ ‘Doesn’t look like we’ll be shooting tubes today, it hasn’t got the height.’ Kate spoke very loudly. ‘No but there’s plenty else we can do.’ I didn’t say I hadn’t advanced to tubes, yet. We rocked up and down and watched out to the ocean for the signs of the best waves rolling in. ‘I’m off!’ I started paddling, ready for the rise of the wave. I was up and trimmed along the face. I sped along, spray hitting my face, stinging slightly. I went all the way and pulled out before the wave broke. I felt 40

exhilarated and paddled straight back out, energised and capable of anything. Kate and I didn’t talk much. We were both focused totally on the waves. Occasionally we called encouragement and congratulated each other when we did something wicked. I did some excellent cut-backs and was ecstatic that I’d got this manoeuvre down to a fine art. The breeze was shifting and the swell started to drop. The ocean became glassy and the morning surf was disappearing very fast. Instead of sets, the waves became scarce and irregular. ‘You’re good,’ Kate said as she paddled over to me. ‘You did some cool stuff yourself.’ ‘Thanks. Heaps of practice.’ ‘Did you teach yourself?’ I asked Kate. ‘Sort of. My Dad surfed, that’s how come I learnt so young. As I got older I watched videos of women’s pro/am comps. You know Pam Burridge, Lisa Anderson and the rest. I just sort of copied them, but tried to develop my own style. My first board was called the “Girl Board”. It was made in the 1950s. I’ve still got it.’ ‘Unreal.’ ‘You ought to come to my house one day and check it out. It’s pretty fragile, though. It’s made of balsa wood,’ Kate laughed. 41

I knew what balsa wood was from my days on the farm and the aeroplanes we’d made. We’d fly them for hours, all over the paddocks, even amongst the sheep. ‘That’s incredible. Your board is like fifty years old!’ ‘I’m going to have a fiftieth birthday party for Gidget. That’s her name. Do you want to come?’ ‘Gidget?’ ‘That’s what my auntie called her and the name has stuck.’ ‘When’s the party?’ ‘I’ll have to ring my aunt and ask her the exact date.’ ‘Does your aunt still surf?’ ‘No. She stopped when she got married and lives hundreds of miles from the beach now.’ That sounded sad. As we walked up the beach, I felt excited. I was usually not interested in meeting other people, but I was looking forward to meeting Kate’s family. ‘Do you enter comps?’ I asked tentatively. ‘No. Not interested. I don’t like all the rules and shit, and the judging of your ride by some wannabe. I reckon competitions cramp your style. You can’t freestyle because there’s points for this and points for that. If you get a crappy wave, you’re history. It’s not my scene.’ Kate turned and smiled. ‘What about you?’ 42

‘No, I’ve never done it. I haven’t even joined any clubs or anything.’ I suddenly felt awkward about entering my first competition. Maybe I’d withdraw, maybe I wasn’t ready yet. I wondered if my surfing dream was only a crazy fantasy. ‘Not into groups, huh?’ ‘Not really.’ I couldn’t tell Kate it was because I didn’t want anyone to ask me questions about my past. I wouldn’t be able to fool the Bondi girls with a story about me growing up here. They’d know I hadn’t and then they’d want to know where I’d come from and the rest. I didn’t want to have to tell every person I ever met my life story. I felt a stab of anger and kicked the sand. Why, when things appeared simple, did they suddenly become complicated? Did I really want to be world champion? What about when they questioned me about my past? Doubt flooded in. Kate looked at me. ‘Are you all right?’ I kept walking. ‘I’m fine. I just got some sand in my feet and I was trying to shake it out.’ I didn’t care if Kate believed me or not. We silently walked along the beach. More people were making claims to bits of sand with their towels, bags and lotions. I could smell coconut oil and sunscreen. My arms were sore from all the paddling I’d done. I stopped and took a huge slug of water and 43

it dribbled down my chin. I wiped it away. ‘That was excellent. I’m stoked,’ Kate said. ‘That’s the best set of breaks I’ve ridden since I got here.’ ‘It’s usually pretty good. Most of the year you get surf here, especially the southern end.’ ‘Have you tried the northern end?’ Kate asked. ‘A few times. It’s awesome. There’s a great rip that can take you straight back out so fast, it’s amazing. It’s so scary if you head for the rocks.’ I put my hand up to my eyes and pointed to the end of Ben Buckler. There was a patrol boat already crashing through the waves, heading around the point. ‘I had one freaky experience. I thought for sure I was going to be cut to pieces. My board got scraped and a few dints.’ I laughed now, but at the time I thought I was dead. ‘I want to do it.’ Kate did a little jig. ‘If you’re here a few weeks it’s sure to be happening one day. It’ll be great doing it with you in case I need to be scraped off the rocks.’ ‘Now look who’s being disgusting.’ ‘It happens.’ I stared knowingly. ‘Amateurs!’ I felt a pang of envy at Kate’s lack of fear. I’d been taught to always be a little afraid, alert to the ocean’s signs. It had been drummed into me that the ocean 44

was all powerful, it was nature and could not be tamed or controlled. I sighed. ‘You have to be careful. There are statistics you know.’ ‘Statistics!’ ‘You know fatalities, casualties, that sort of thing.’ ‘There’s statistics everywhere. Who cares! If your number’s up, your number’s up.’ I froze. Kate kept walking, oblivious to my nervous breakdown. I felt I was going to splutter out something I’d really regret. I saw a maze in front of me, paths going nowhere, made purposefully to get you lost. My legs shook. Kate grabbed my arm. I’d forgotten she was there. ‘Jules, Jules you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?’ I couldn’t think of an answer. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. ‘I . . . I . . . just sort of blanked out. I mean maybe it’s the sun or something. I’ve only had a banana to eat. I’m starving.’ Kate looked puzzled. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ ‘Don’t worry, I’m fine.’ I wanted to ask Kate if that had ever happened to her. Did she ever have that feeling that the world stopped? Lost time. Where did it go? In front of us a child was crying. It snapped me out of my reverie. The child demanded her mum stop 45

the small waves, rushing the shoreline. The mother laughingly tried to explain why she couldn’t but the child screamed louder and ran off to the water, screaming at the waves, ‘Stop, STOP!’ Kate and I looked at each other. ‘My mother would have slapped me down if I carried on like that. It’d embarrass the pants off her,’ Kate said quietly. I looked at her and then looked back at the woman who’d run down to the water. The child was laying face down. A wave must have knocked her over. The screaming had stopped and the child sobbed in her mother’s arms. ‘Karma,’ Kate said. ‘She’s only a child,’ I said gruffly. ‘Chill out. I was only joking. I don’t believe in any of that stuff anyway.’ ‘Wonder what time it is?’ I looked at the position of the little red sun. The smoke haze made it hard to tell, but I guessed it to be about ten o’clock. Even though the sun was covered it still emitted a burning heat. Looking at the position of the sun in the sky to tell the time, was a habit I’d maintained from living on the farm. ‘It’s going to be a scorcher, I reckon.’ Kate laughed. ‘That sounds like real bush talk.’ ‘Where I come from, that’s how we talk.’ 46

‘Was it hard to adjust to city lingo? Did you have to stop talking about the weather?’ Kate sounded serious. I laughed. ‘I can get away with talking a bit of weather because of surfing, but my friends’ eyes glaze over when I start talking about how close the isobars are. But how hard is city talk? I mean, yo, ho, bro. Get real. That was the easy part.’ ‘Up my way everyone thinks they come out of a rap record or somewhere totally unreal, like the streets of LA. I’d love to drop them all off there and say pick you up in a month, bro.’ ‘Do you want to get something to eat?’ ‘I’m starving. Which is the best place for breakfast?’ Kate rubbed her stomach. It’s not too bad at the pavilion, depends what you want.’ ‘Fresh juice, a cake and coffee.’ ‘Over here, but we have to wash the sand off.’ We showered at the outdoor showers provided. The water felt colder than the sea, and it made me shiver. Other people queued behind us, hopping from foot to foot in an impatient manner, acting like we’d been under the shower all day. The tight feeling of salt on my face eased, and I left a small mound of sand near the plughole. Our wetsuits were the kind that dried nearly instantly. They were full protection from the dangers 47

of the ozone-depleted sun rays. The café was crowded. There was a sign at the entrance asking patrons to keep the sea and sand where they belonged – on the beach, not inside the café. Most of the customers were in bathers. The ones fully dressed looked out of place. The clock on the back of the wall said nine-thirty. We ordered and the waitress gave us a number and said she’d bring it to us. We were lucky. A couple sitting outside left just as we arrived. I observed the snapshot of morning life on parade at Bondi. The air was filled with different languages and heavy accents as snippets of conversation passed us by. I tried to guess people’s origins by their conversations, dress and manner. Everything seemed clearer somehow, people’s voices, birdsong, and the hissing of the coffee machine. The sea looked placid, as if it were harmless. I knew better. I’d read about freak waves. I worried slightly about my previous spin-out. ‘Where you at?’ Kate asked. ‘Nowhere.’ ‘Really, what’s it like?’ I ignored the question. ‘Actually, I was thinking about all those people playing harmlessly in the water, as if there were nothing in the world to worry about. They don’t know 48

how dangerous their situation could be.’ ‘What are you on about? You’re weird.’ Kate looked out to sea. ‘What danger? Sharks, what?’ ‘Have you heard of Black Sunday?’ I asked ominously. ‘Was there a massacre or something?’ Kate’s eyes were wide. ‘Probably, but that’s not what I’m talking about. This happened on a very hot day nearly seventy years ago.’ ‘Don’t suppose there were any Aborigines left to massacre by then.’ ‘Do you want to hear what happened?’ ‘I’m all ears.’ ‘Well the sea may have looked like it does today, you know, the calm before the storm bit. Out of nowhere, three huge freak waves smashed down on the beach, dragging more than three hundred people out into the deep.’ I looked at the sea and tried to envisage ten-metre waves at the water’s edge. It would be a giant wall of water and the sound it would make when it crashed upon the shore would be louder than a huge bomb. ‘No way.’ ‘It’s true. Lifesavers rescued over three hundred people, but five people drowned, which isn’t bad really, considering. Imagine how much worse it could 49

have been?’ ‘Yeah three hundred and five people drowned!’ Kate laughed. ‘It’s not funny,’ I said, once again a bit shocked at Kate’s insensitivity to death. Maybe no one close to her had ever died. I’d try and ask her one day. ‘It could happen again, any day, even today,’ I added for good measure. We both stared at the water. It seemed unlikely, even to me, that there would be a repeat of history, today. ‘Surfers call it the lagoon, when it’s like this,’ I said as I nibbled my Danish pastry. ‘I can see why. It’s hard to believe half an hour ago we were riding waves.’ ‘It might be good this afternoon. Usually is if you’ve had a good morning.’ ‘What are you going to do today?’ Kate asked. ‘I’m going to the movies with my friends Phoebe and Jasmine. I’m meeting them at one in the city. Do you want to come?’ ‘Thanks but I can’t really. I’ve got to do the washing and clean up the flat. My sister gets back this afternoon and I’ve sort of blobbed and created a comfortable mess. She’d go off if she came home now.’ I laughed. ‘What’s your sister like?’ ‘She’s very fussy about the apartment. Everything 50

has a place and everything has to be in its place. She’s always tense, doesn’t know how to relax. I think it’s her job because even when she’s not at work, she’s working. So boring.’ ‘I don’t even know her name.’ ‘Sorry, it’s Carol. If you come over later you’ll meet her.’ ‘Sure. I’ll see how I feel when I get back from the movies.’ ‘Do you have a part-time job or do you get an allowance?’ ‘No, I don’t have a job. My aunt gives me pocket money and sometimes pays me for doing extra things.’ ‘Do you live with your aunt? Where’s your mum and dad?’ Kate looked surprised. ‘They’re dead.’ I paused and shaped my lie to sound normal. ‘They died in a car accident.’ I held my breath. ‘I . . . I . . . didn’t know, that’s terrible.’ Kate hugged me. ‘You poor thing.’ I was sorry I lied, but it was easier. I’ve practised the car-accident answer for ages now. I believe it myself sometimes. When I’d told Aunt Jean the lie I told if anyone asked why I lived with her instead of my parents, Aunt Jean said she thought it was my prerogative to lie for self protection. As usual Aunt 51

Jean quoted something to say it was sort of okay. I remember the quote being something like never lying was like having no lock on your door. There was more, but I can’t remember the rest. ‘What’s your aunt like?’ ‘Old, you know, over forty. She tries, but god, sometimes she just goes on and on. Do you want to meet her, sometime?’ ‘I wondered when you’d invite me.’ ‘Aunt Jean works all week.’ ‘What’s she do?’ ‘She’s a bloody liar, oops I mean lawyer.’ ‘Why did you say liar?’ ‘I believe lawyers sometimes know someone’s guilty and they make up lies to make them sound innocent.’ ‘It sounds like you’ve had first-hand experience or something.’ ‘No, not really. I watch TV and Aunt Jean tells me about some of the tricks that go on in the courtroom.’ I lied, again. ‘Do you think your aunt’s a liar?’ ‘I think it’s her job sometimes to lie, but as a person, I don’t think she lies much.’ ‘Everyone lies, I suppose,’ Kate said. I felt a pang of guilt about my lies to my new friend. ‘I won’t be able to afford this breakfast thing every morning you know,’ I said, changing the subject. 52

‘Me either. It’s a treat.’ Kate held up her juice. ‘To our first day surfing together.’ We touched glasses. ‘May the surfing goddess who rules the ocean give us a go at the northern break,’ Kate said earnestly. ‘You’re a kook.’ ‘That’s me. Kooky Kate.’ Kate put this stupid look on her face. ‘Stop it.’ I looked around to see if anyone was watching us. Kate adjusted back to normality after a few grunts and groans. I couldn’t help but laugh. We finished our breakfast and trudged back towards Ben Buckler. Walking through the Biddigal Reserve, Kate admired the mosaic dragon in the playground. ‘I’m going to photograph this park later,’ Kate said as we crossed the road. ‘I’m into photography, too. That’s cool.’ ‘I was right, Jules. We were meant to meet. The universe decided we’d be good friends, like sisters.’ I felt good. We discussed photography as we walked up the steep street to my intersection. ‘Wish I lived on this street,’ I said, groaning. We both looked at the steep rise. ‘It’s good for you,’ Kate laughed. My legs already ached from surfing as I trudged those last long steps home. 53

CHAPTER 4

Tu e s d a y A f t e r n o o n

I

walked into the cool entrance of the building. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkened hallway. I got

my key out of the pocket in my wetsuit. Aunt Jean had left me a note to ring her. What could be wrong now, I naturally thought. When I rang, Aunt Jean was out of the office. I left a message with her secretary. I decided to do my washing. I didn’t want to hang it on the roof as it absorbed all the smoke smell. I stripped my bed and gathered up clothes and took them to the laundry situated on the roof. I loaded the washing machine and turned it to the right cycle. I’d hang it on the airing rack inside, I thought. I went back downstairs and could hear the phone ringing. I ran along the hall but it stopped before I got the door open. The light flashed red on the answering machine. It was Jasmine asking if I remembered where the meeting place was. They’d both forgotten where we’d arranged, so I quickly rang them both, and told them. I vacuumed the lounge room and swept the kitchen 54

floor. The windows needed washing but they’d wait for another day. I’d been saying that about the windows all holidays. Mañana windows, mañana. I danced around the kitchen with the mop, filling the bucket, as I sang at the top of my voice a song I made up. After washing the floor, I went into my room and opened the top drawer of my bedside dresser. I could see the envelope I’d put there last year. I’d never opened it. It was from my father. Staring at it as if any minute it was going to bite me, I wished I had the courage to open it and read it. The letter stayed unread as I struggled with my emotions. I grabbed a clean pair of undies and shut the drawer. Mañana, there’s always mañana, I told myself as I headed to the bathroom. Under the shower, I thought about the huge shock I’d got the first time I saw Dad in the courtroom at his trial. I almost didn’t recognise him. He’d shrunk. A pain had ripped through my gut and I almost fell over, when I realised it was him. My legs shook and I had to hold myself up against Aunt Jean. I’d stared for a few moments, without Dad seeing. I noticed his eyes were so sad. They looked like a cartoon drawing of pleading soulful eyes. I’d turned away and didn’t look at him again. My heart was in turmoil because all I could think about were his eyes. After the first day of court I cried for hours all over 55

the house. Sometimes I wept in my room, in the lounge room, kitchen, even out on the balcony. I sat up nearly all night crying, but still had to go to court the next day. I’d worn sunglasses to cover my swollen red eyes. Why was I thinking about my father? Bloody hell, the stupid letter. I was angry that I couldn’t bring myself to read it or destroy it. Under the tepid stream I washed thoughts of my father and his stupid letter down the plughole and concentrated on meeting my friends. I had to rush because I’d stayed in the shower longer than I intended. I just had time to buy a newspaper and climb aboard the bus with about half a dozen others. The bus ride was uneventful. People eyed each other suspiciously. No one smiled anymore because there didn’t seem much to smile about because of the terror and mayhem occurring everywhere. The world seemed pretty mucked up at the moment. I stopped reading the paper I’d bought. It was all horrible and some of it so inane you wondered what the point of it all was. War, I thought, how stupid is that. Killing people or being killed by people in an organised manner, and they call us civilised. Dropping bombs on people’s homes and lives. What about the children? Are they bad and dangerous as well? Do 56

they have to be blown up? In school I’d learnt that more than a thousand years ago this guy Cicero wrote, ‘laws are silent in war’. My class had to write what we understood that to mean in the present context. I enjoyed writing that essay and got an A for it. I must admit Aunt Jean helped a little bit. In fact she’d had the very same essay topic when she was at school. I must admit that was a concern that the curriculum hadn’t changed in over twenty years but I smiled at the memory of Aunt Jean going on and on with all the arguments against war. I had a habit of tuning out when she went on like that, occasionally remembering to nod and agree, but this time I’d listened and I think it helped get me the A. The bus slowed down near the shimmering trees of Hyde Park. Office workers were everywhere, trying to catch a bit of the daily sun. I got off at Central and walked down to George Street. I waited at the corner before the cinema complex. There was a steady stream of people walking both ways. I could smell smoke merging with the traffic pollution and oilslicked roads. I looked up at the grey sky. Not with rain, but smoke haze. It was hot and the air was thick. The buildings created a blanket of sky above, as I strained my neck, looking up. ‘Hey, watch out for bird shit.’ 57

‘Phoebe.’ We hugged, shrieking so that several passers-by had to give us a wide berth. Jasmine covered my eyes from behind. ‘Guess whom it ees,’ said a stupid voice, trying to sound Russian or something. ‘Jasmine, you’re a nutcase.’ I hugged her. We linked arms and strode down the street. At the cinema we had to wait in line to buy our tickets. ‘Are we going to get any crap?’ Phoebe pointed to the cinema kiosk with its overpriced junk food. ‘I might get a drink and maybe one of those choccoated ice-creams,’ I replied. ‘I’m getting lollies so I can unwrap them noisily and annoy people. Maybe chips to crunch as well,’ Jasmine said. I wasn’t sure if she was joking. Probably not, it was the sort of thing that amused Jasmine. It was usually harmless, but occasionally I’d get a bit nervous that she’d mess with the wrong people. ‘You queue. I need to go to the toilet.’ Phoebe crossed her legs and acted as if she was busting. ‘Me too.’ Jasmine copied Phoebe. They gave me their money. I waited patiently as the line inched forward. It seemed like it was training day, because the same people seemed to be waiting at the front. I could tell the staff were trying to keep it 58

together. Some of the customers were getting rude and abusive. Behind the counter this older guy, with a red bow tie, flapped around trying to get control. Whose fault was it that the drink machine had run out of ice, he demanded. People started leaving the line. I stuck it out. Phoebe and Jasmine came back. ‘God, are you still in the queue?’ I nodded. ‘Do we really want to ruin our skin and teeth with that crap?’ Phoebe asked both of us. ‘When you put it like that, not really.’ Damn. I’d stood in the bloody line for nothing. I was annoyed. ‘You all right?’ Phoebe asked as I brushed by her. ‘Fine, but find another slave next time.’ I hurried into the theatre. I knew they looked at each other and pulled a face behind my back. I just knew it. The lights were still on, and only about a third of the seats were taken. After sampling a few different locations, we chose the middle seats. People talked and waved to friends. The lights dimmed and it became very dark. Advertisements burst into the darkness so loudly that I nearly jumped out of my skin. Everyone groaned in unison and lollies hit the screen as people pelted them at the ads. Lollies will 59

be banned someday I bet. I sank down in my seat, hoping the movie would improve my mood. ‘Thank god that’s over!’ Phoebe said as we stepped outside into late afternoon. People rushed by and it seemed even noisier and hotter than before. I rubbed my eyes to adjust to the changed light. Someone bumped me and I apologised. ‘Why’d I blow my money on that crap movie?’ Phoebe said in disgust. ‘Me too,’ I agreed. ‘Makes you spew. We should have waited till it came out on DVD.’ Phoebe turned to me, ‘We could have pushed the stop button.’ ‘Let’s go to Darling Harbour and hang out for a while.’ Jasmine changed the subject. ‘I hope you’re not too upset that it was so bad?’ I said sympathetically to Jasmine. ‘I hate wasting money as much as the next person.’ ‘It was your suggestion.’ Phoebe poked Jasmine. ‘So?’ ‘Next time, do the research.’ ‘Stop it you two. We’re here.’ I often played the peacemaker when those two started sniping. Afternoon shadows played across the boardwalk. 60

‘It’s your turn to queue.’ I turned to them both. ‘I’ll grab a table.’ As I watched their retreating backs, I turned and studied the activity on the harbour. It was busy and it looked as if half of Sydney were here. Phoebe and Jasmine returned with my milkshake. ‘It’s busy.’ ‘Tourists!’ Phoebe responded, dismissively. Jasmine stopped sucking her straw. ‘I’m going to be a tourist one day.’ ‘Is that your ambition?’ Phoebe asked, laughingly. ‘What’s wrong with that?’ Jasmine sounded offended. ‘Nothing. I didn’t say anything was wrong with it.’ ‘Don’t you want to travel?’ Jasmine asked. ‘I do,’ I butted in. ‘I want to surf Hawaii, Bali, everywhere.’ ‘Go girl.’ Jasmine smiled at me. ‘I’ll come with you and carry your board when you’re famous.’ I blushed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. No matter how famous I get, I’ll always carry my own board.’ They both laughed. ‘I met this girl surfing yesterday, who seems pretty cool.’ ‘Why don’t you bring her to the rave on Saturday night?’ Jasmine asked while still slurping on her straw. Phoebe poked me. ‘You’re coming. No excuses.’ 61

‘Ouch.’ I wasn’t going to bother arguing about it now. What was the point? Anything could happen by Saturday. I smiled to myself. ‘Peace.’ I put my two fingers up. ‘That’s the wrong way, smart bum.’ ‘What? Oh sorry, I always forget the right way,’ I smirked and sipped my milkshake. ‘Sure and pigs fly, bubba,’ Phoebe said menacingly. ‘Yeah, I’ve seen that,’ Jasmine butted in. ‘It was in LA . . .’ ‘You haven’t been to LA,’ Phoebe and I said at the same time. We hooked little fingers, closed our eyes and made a wish. ‘What did you wish?’ Jasmine asked. ‘Don’t change the subject and you know you can’t reveal a wish.’ ‘Have yours ever come true?’ ‘Jasmine, cut the BS.’ Phoebe put her glass firmly on the table. ‘What about you Jules?’ Jasmine ignored Phoebe. ‘Well, um, I don’t know.’ ‘Jules!’ Phoebe was indignant. ‘Don’t. I repeat, don’t get sucked into that ploy to avoid explaining herself about seeing pigs fly in LA.’ Phoebe put her right hand out and touched her pointing finger with the left hand. ‘One, when have you seen pigs fly? Two, what do 62

you mean you saw it in LA, as if you were strolling down Sunset Strip or something.’ ‘Sounds like you know LA. Have you been there?’ ‘Was it on TV?’ I said diplomatically. ‘Come to think of it, it was people being cruel and horrible to pigs, doing tests with radiation or something. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.’ Jasmine looked away. Phoebe and I were stunned. A minute ago Jasmine was joking and now she had tears in her eyes. What did we do? Phoebe and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. ‘Jasmine, are you all right?’ I said gently touching her shoulder. Jasmine didn’t respond at first. ‘I sort of got a flashback of the pigs, and then I started thinking about orangutans and gorillas, which led to elephants, get the picture? I think its hormonal, no big deal,’ Jasmine said, shrugging her shoulders. ‘Don’t start me up.’ I meant it. ‘Come on you two, don’t get down,’ Phoebe cajoled. ‘What’s not to get depressed about?’ Jasmine challenged. ‘The sky, the water, we’re alive, we’re young.’ Phoebe spread her arms out. ‘Did you hear that on an ad for tampons?’ Jasmine responded, cynically. 63

I was relieved. Jasmine had shaken her mood. ‘Optimism is my New Year’s resolution for the Chinese New Year in a couple of weeks,’ I told them, a bit embarrassed in case they thought I was being dumb. ‘You’re not Chinese.’ ‘It doesn’t matter. I like their New Year better than our boring Auld Lang Syne and everyone passing on herpes at midnight. I identify more with how the Chinese go about New Year celebrations.’ I sounded so experienced on world matters, I even impressed myself. ‘I like that each New Year is an animal,’ Phoebe said. ‘Maybe when I become a tourist, I’ll be able to work my itinerary so I have New Years all over the world.’ ‘Sounds cool. Can I borrow your phone Phoebe? I want to ring Kate, and let her know it doesn’t look like I’ll be back in time to surf.’ ‘Why am I the only one with a mobile? You better be quick. Mum’s been on and on at me about the bloody bill.’ Phoebe handed me the phone. I was half expecting a message bank when Kate answered. ‘Oh, hi. I was just rehearsing my message.’ ‘Jules.’ ‘Yeah I’m still in the city and if I catch a bus now 64

I might get there in a couple of hours. Four million people want to leave the city at the same time. It’s the chaos theory in practice.’ ‘Don’t sweat, there’s no wind. I’m on the balcony and there’s no sign of surf. Hold on, maybe at Maroubra.’ I laughed. Phoebe and Jasmine looked at me. ‘I’m on Phoebe’s mobile. Can’t talk. I’ll call you when I get home.’ ‘Cool. How was the movie?’ ‘Crap, you’re lucky you had the housework to do,’ I laughed. ‘I’m so lucky,’ Kate sang. ‘Catch you later, captain.’ ‘Don’t call me that. See you.’ I hung up. Phoebe and Jasmine were staring at me, expectantly. ‘What?’ They looked at each other. ‘Do you mind if I ring my aunt?’ I asked Phoebe. ‘Bloody hell! Why don’t you ring America while you’re at it? Go on.’ The phone rang and rang. It was finally answered by the machine. Aunt Jean wasn’t there. I left a convoluted message. ‘I better head home.’ I finished the last of my milkshake with a noisy slurp. ‘Me too. I can’t afford to hang around here.’ 65

Phoebe stood up. ‘Stay if you want. I don’t care.’ ‘Hear that, Jasmine? She doesn’t care about her friends.’ ‘I didn’t mean that,’ I spluttered. ‘Are we your best friends?’ Phoebe put her arm around Jasmine. ‘Of course you are.’ ‘Well what are friends for?’ ‘To lend money,’ Jasmine said. Phoebe hit her on the arm. ‘Ouch. You’re so violent. I’m serious, I can’t pay for this.’ ‘Jasmine!’ Phoebe sounded irate. ‘I’ll pay you back.’ ‘I can’t believe you come out, order milkshake and cake and you haven’t got any money, but don’t say a thing.’ ‘I said I’ll pay you back.’ ‘When?’ Phoebe glared. ‘Next week or something.’ ‘It’s the something that bothers me.’ ‘Next week.’ ‘Forget it. I’ll buy you the bloody things.’ Jasmine gave Phoebe a big hug. ‘You’re just a beautiful person underneath that mean crust, aren’t you sweetie.’ 66

I thought Phoebe was going to hit Jasmine. ‘Phoebe, cool it. People are watching and there’s a cop over there. Don’t hit her.’ I meant it. I didn’t want to see Phoebe punch Jasmine out of frustration. ‘I wouldn’t want to smack someone who obviously already has serious brain damage.’ Jasmine looked perplexed. I don’t think she was quite sure if Phoebe really was going to hit her. ‘Chill out everyone. It’s got a bit too heavy.’ I shook my hands. ‘Let’s go.’ Phoebe put her hand out for my money. I gave her the right amount for my share. Jasmine grabbed the serviette and the uneaten cake from our plates. ‘Do you think I went too far?’ Jasmine whispered to me. ‘A little bit.’ ‘I guess so. I would’ve paid her back you know.’ ‘I know, but I don’t think that was the point.’ ‘What? Ssshh,’ Jasmine uttered as Phoebe rejoined us. We dawdled our way through Chinatown to Belmore Park. The major part of the rush was over. The smoky haze suspended the light in a sullen sky. There were no shadows cast from buildings, just an unnatural glare. Once all the workers shut up their offices and 67

went home, the buildings quietly had a rest from the hub of the day. Walking through the park towards the bus stop, I tried not to look anyone in the eye. It was dangerous. An old bloke who needed a bath last year, staggered up to me. ‘Give us a cigarette, love?’ ‘Don’t smoke,’ I replied and walked faster. ‘Good on you love. Don’t take it up, it’s a filthy habit.’ The man staggered off towards a group of men and women sitting around a bench. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a group passing around bottles in paper bags. I wondered if this is where Dad would have been if we’d lived in the city? A man stood up, shouting at the others. I closed my eyes. Why can’t I see beauty instead of ugliness? I opened my eyes and saw that this part of the world appeared devoid of beauty and was truly ugly. I looked up at the sky and imagined seagulls hovering above. The beach, I thought. I wish I was at the beach. A splat landed in front of me. The seagulls were real. How stupid was that? Jasmine and Phoebe seemed oblivious to their surroundings. They talked on and on about the rave on Saturday night. There was a throng of people waiting at the bus stop. I bought a ticket from the ticket seller who was 68

grumpy and flustered. The bus was crowded. I couldn’t help overhearing the conversations around me. Every person and their dog talked about the heat and the bushfires. I heard seven hundred different opinions on whether it was going to rain or not. I turned away from this guy with really bad breath in my face. A woman was knitting. Can you believe that? A hundred and fifty degrees on this bus and this woman is knitting what looks like a baby jumper. The bus is bouncing around, people fall all over the place and this woman knits calmly. I try to attract Phoebe and Jasmine’s attention, further up the bus. It’s impossible. They’re both squashed, facing the other way. As we got nearer to our destination, the bus slowly emptied. We grabbed the back seat. ‘We’ve got to get a licence and a car,’ Phoebe said. ‘You’d be best,’ Jasmine said prodding me. ‘Why me?’ ‘You’ve lived on a farm with machinery and things.’ Phoebe and I looked at each other. ‘What’s that got to do with it?’ I asked. ‘Everyone knows kids on farms learn to drive cars early. Everyone gets a paddock bomb.’ I was amazed that everyone knew this, because I sure didn’t. 69

‘Can you drive?’ Phoebe asked me. ‘W . . . well sort of,’ I answered. ‘You either do or you don’t,’ Jasmine said. ‘Well yes, but I’ve never driven anywhere near a city, and I don’t think you’d want to be my passengers in this traffic.’ ‘It’s gotta be done,’ Phoebe said. ‘We have to travel in style without having the smell of humanity making you want to vomit. I’m sick of practically choking to death on disease-ridden public transport.’ Jasmine did an imitation of Phoebe choking. ‘I can’t afford driving lessons, and anyway, all I want to do is surf.’ ‘Look, we’ve told you before, this surfing thing’s all right, but you can’t let it rule your life.’ Phoebe gave me her most serious look. ‘It does.’ I laughed back. ‘Jules, you’ve got to do other things, have other interests.’ ‘You sound like my aunt.’ ‘Shut up. You know what I’m saying; anyway you’ll have to ask your aunt to take you for driving lessons, till you’re good enough to get your licence.’ ‘What about you?’ I asked Phoebe. ‘I’m too busy and besides I want to be the navigator.’ ‘I want to be the interior decorator,’ Jasmine said. 70

We laughed. ‘No dice,’ Phoebe and I said together. Once again we did our linking finger ritual. ‘How come I never get to make one of those dumb wishes?’ ‘Because everything you say is original, darling.’ Phoebe patted Jasmine’s head. ‘No one else on this whole planet, or from any other galaxy, would say the same thing as you.’ ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’ ‘I think that would be for the best,’ I said, smiling over Jasmine’s head at Phoebe. I pulled the stop cord. Peering out at the water, I noticed there was a slight swell. A few surfers were visible, more in hope than anything, I thought. I’d give it another hour or so to see if it picked up. We walked up the street to my place. At the top of the stairs, I listened. I couldn’t hear anything. I opened the front door. It was still quiet. I wondered if Aunt Jean was home. She was sitting at the little table on the balcony. ‘Hello Phoebe and Jasmine. Nice to see you again,’ Aunt Jean said. ‘Would you like a drink or something to eat?’ ‘Yes thanks,’ Jasmine answered. Phoebe nudged her. 71

‘I’ll make a pot of tea.’ I put the kettle on and got out some cups. ‘No it’s all right, we don’t want anything.’ ‘I want a cup of tea. It will relax me after the arduous journey on the bus.’ Jasmine was being stubborn. Phoebe and I looked at each other. It was obvious Aunt Jean had been crying. I shrugged my shoulders. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked quietly. ‘I’m okay. I’ve just had a bit of a scare. I’ll tell you about it later. Don’t worry.’ ‘What’s happened? Dad hasn’t escaped, has he?’ I became alarmed. ‘No, Julie, nothing like that. Calm down. We’ll talk when your friends have gone.’ ‘Is Toby all right?’ I felt desperate. If anything had happened to him . . . I’d . . . I’d just . . . ‘He’s fine. Look, make it short with your friends. I’ll be up on the roof.’ I watched Aunt Jean leave the flat. Phoebe and Jasmine looked at me expectantly. ‘Who knows? Aunt Jean seems to be acting a bit dramatically. She wouldn’t tell me anything, just hinting something was up. I hate that. How everything is made into a big mystery.’ ‘You want us to go?’ ‘No it’s cool. Have a drink.’ 72

We talked about the movie again. Phoebe picked up our empty cups and took them to the sink. ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ll do it later.’ ‘Now you’re coming Saturday night even if you’ve got rabies.’ Phoebe twisted my arm up my back. It didn’t hurt much, it was just pretend. ‘I’ll see.’ ‘Not good enough, my friend,’ Jasmine butted in. ‘You must come. That’s an order.’ ‘All right, all right, I surrender.’ I put my hands on top of my head like a prisoner of war. I walked them downstairs to the front door. ‘I’ll ring you tomorrow,’ I said as I waved them goodbye. I was still waving when one of my neighbours walked by. ‘You waving at me?’ he said, smiling. ‘No.’ How embarrassing. I raced up the stairs two at a time, feeling a bit apprehensive about Aunt Jean. I made another pot of tea, got the tray and cups. I carried the tray, concentrating so I didn’t spill any. I put the tray down to open the roof door. I held it open with my leg which was quite tricky. I rattled my way through, watching the vibration of the cups with trepidation. ‘I’ve brought up a pot of tea.’ ‘You’re a good girl, Julie.’ Aunt Jean often said that, so it must be true I thought, as I put the tray down. 73

‘Are you going to tell me what’s going on? I tried ringing you a couple of times.’ I poured the tea. Aunt Jean was crying. ‘There’s nothing to worry about.’ ‘If there’s nothing to worry about, why are you crying? Just tell me.’ I stared at Aunt Jean, whose bottom lip quivered. I could tell she was trying to speak but words weren’t coming out. ‘What is it? Tell me.’ ‘I don’t want you to worry, but I’ve got a lump in my breast that has to be checked out.’ Aunt Jean stared ahead. ‘I’m having a biopsy tomorrow. I have to go to the hospital.’ I hugged Aunt Jean. This sounded horrible. Did it mean she had cancer? ‘Now Julie, at this stage there’s nothing to worry about. It more than likely is a benign lump.’ ‘You haven’t got cancer have you? I couldn’t bear it Aunt Jean. I couldn’t take it. It’s too much.’ I cried into her shoulder. ‘Julie, listen. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ll find out after a few tests.’ ‘But what if . . .’ ‘Think positive, remember.’ Aunt Jean cupped my chin in her hand and looked into my eyes. 74

‘I didn’t even know you had a lump,’ I mumbled. ‘Neither did I till my check-up this morning. It gave me a shock, but I feel certain that everything will be fine.’ I wished I could share Aunt Jean’s optimism. I had to pull myself together for her sake. ‘I’ll think positive thoughts, too.’ We hugged and I suppressed a tear. The sound of the sea hummed in the background. All I could think was that Aunt Jean had to be all right. She just had to be. I concentrated hard on wishing that it was all going to be fine. I took a deep breath and listened to the birds squawking in the distance. That’s what I felt like doing. Squawking.

75

CHAPTER 5

Tu e s d a y N i g h t

A

unt Jean was in the bath. We’d had a light meal of salad and cold chicken and Aunt Jean had

opened a bottle of wine. I could tell she was worried, even though she did her best to act cheerful. I played along. I didn’t want to see Aunt Jean crying, because I felt uncomfortable when adults cried, and I didn’t know what to do. When I told Aunt Jean about getting a driver’s licence, she said it made sense and promised we’d do some driving lessons soon. I liked the idea more and more and saw a world of possibilities opening up. I’d travel all over the coast, surfing. I’d visit Kate up north. I was determined to save up for a station wagon with board racks. I felt a new kind of excitement at surfing all around Australia. Aunt Jean said her friend Jo was taking her to hospital for the tests. When they were finished, she’d either go back to work or come home. I offered to go with her. 76

‘No thanks Jules. I really don’t think you would want to waste your time hanging around a hospital.’ ‘It wouldn’t be wasting time. I’d be with you.’ ‘It’s not necessary, really. Thanks for offering.’ I knew there was nothing more to say. ‘I’m going to ring Ruby.’ ‘Give her my love.’ Whenever I rang Ruby’s aunt’s house, I left a message for Ruby to ring me when she was there, and then I’d call her straight back again. Ruby didn’t have a phone at her place, so this was how I kept in touch with her. When we both were at school, I could chat with Ruby online. Her aunt answered on the fourth ring and said Ruby would be there later and she’d tell her I’d rung. I wandered around, not really having anything to do. I tried reading a book but couldn’t concentrate. Even though Aunt Jean said not to worry, I still did. We’d learnt in Health Studies about lumps in the breast and how they could be cancerous, and that the earlier they were detected the better. We were meant to give ourselves breast examinations regularly, but I mostly forgot. I thought I’d worry about it when I got old, like about twenty-five. I was too young to take on the responsibility now. I didn’t even vote. I’d felt sorry for Ms Jackson, our teacher of Health Studies, when she’d tried to keep the subject of breast 77

cancer all clinical. The boys became totally out of control. They couldn’t handle the subject at all. A couple of them walked out saying it was none of their business. When Ms Jackson had tried to make them come back saying it was a human health issue, they just ran away. Some of us girls were embarrassed and wished the boys weren’t there. They hadn’t been when we discussed ovulation, periods, and all that stuff. I remembered Ms Jackson explaining that breast cancer could affect anyone. The boys started hooting, and generally were out of control. Some started feeling their breasts, and asking if they could feel ours. Tom Green said to me in a stupid voice, he needed to feel my breasts, for medical reasons. After all, he was going to be a doctor. I hit him with my health folder. Ryan Gee laid down on the floor, screaming he had a lump. Ms Jackson ignored him saying a small percentage of males got breast cancer, but it was more likely to affect females. Ms Jackson was so brave like that. Some teachers would have left the room, or just given us notes and said read about it. Ms Jackson got the last laugh. At the end of the lesson she said that our next topic would be testicular cancer. The boys all cringed and moaned, saying no way. Us girls laughed and cheered. The phone rang. I jumped up to answer it. ‘Hi, is Jules there?’ 78

‘It’s me. Oh Ruby I’m so glad you rang.’ ‘How’s it going?’ ‘Oh all right, I guess.’ I paused. ‘Aunt Jean might have breast cancer. I’ll ring you back.’ I hung up and dialled the number. ‘Jules, that sucks,’ Ruby responded as if there were no gap in our conversation. ‘It might be okay. I’m more worried than Aunt Jean. She’s acting pretty casual about it.’ ‘When will she know?’ ‘Tomorrow, she’s going to have a biopsy or something.’ ‘An aunt of mine had to have both hers chopped off.’ ‘Oh Ruby.’ ‘You wouldn’t know though.’ ‘I hope that doesn’t happen to Aunt Jean.’ ‘No reason it should anymore than anyone else.’ ‘I don’t know if that’s comforting or not. What’s been happening?’ ‘The usual. What changes around here except underpants, you tell me?’ I laughed. ‘Why don’t you come here for a break? Please come. Say you will.’ ‘I’ll say I will, but I won’t.’ ‘Why not? Your mum will let you.’ ‘No she won’t.’ 79

‘Course she would.’ ‘Not now. Mum’s sister, Auntie Dolly is real sick. It’s not good.’ ‘I’m sorry about your aunt, Ruby.’ ‘Well she’s old so what can you expect. I’m looking after the young’uns while Mum stays with Auntie. It won’t be long now.’ ‘I’m sorry. Maybe next holidays?’ ‘Mark it in your diary, girl. I’ll be there.’ There was a crackle on the line. ‘You haven’t got a storm up your way, have you?’ I asked. ‘I was going to ask you the same thing.’ ‘Maybe somewhere between here and Goodooga there’s lightning.’ ‘That’s a lot of country to cover. It certainly isn’t out this way. There hasn’t been a cloud in the sky for months. It’s dry as a bone out here, but Uncle Ted reckons a big rain’s coming. Uncle’s got everyone working to flood-proof the community. Some town people laugh at old Uncle, especially when he tells them that it’s going to flood bigger than Noah’s. I told him I believe him. Uncle’s one of the old people and he’s still got the knowledge, and there aren’t many left. If Uncle says it’s going to rain big time, it’s going to rain big time.’ ‘How old’s your uncle?’ ‘No one knows. But he has thousands and 80

thousands of years’ knowledge about his country in his head.’ ‘Amazing. He’d know every little sign.’ ‘Uncle reckons most people are fools because they have very short memories. He reckons some of them have forgotten what rain is, and that they’ve forgot about these rivers when they’re angry. He’s making these canoes with the young’uns.’ ‘Is he rounding up all the animals like Noah?’ ‘Don’t be stupid.’ ‘Down here, we’ve got smoke blocking out the sun a lot of the time. I can smell the bushfires up in the National Park from here.’ ‘There’s some burning up Queensland, but there aren’t enough trees for a bushfire around here. It’s just the sheep in the paddocks at the mercy of grass fires, poor buggers.’ I took a deep breath. I was so sensitive to the subject of fire. ‘Well I hope your uncle’s bloody rain makes it down here.’ ‘It will girl, and then you’ll all be moaning.’ ‘Anything else happening?’ ‘A few people got the run for causing all this trouble.’ ‘What kind of trouble?’ ‘You know drinking and fighting. I’m sick of it. It’s 81

always the same people. Like clockwork, pension day and it’s on.’ ‘It sort of happens here too, when it’s hot and people have had too much to drink. Sometimes there’s full-on brawls in the street between all these yobbos.’ ‘Mum does this night patrol stuff with some other aunties. They pick up young kids and get ’em off the street. I see Mum’s heartbroken night after night with some of these kids’ home lives.’ ‘It’s all so sad, Ruby. Do you think it’s hopeless?’ ‘Some days I think it’s worse than hopeless. I want to do something to change it. That’s why Mum’s so strict on me about sex and stuff. She says whenever I’m going out, even to school, be good and if you can’t, be careful. Mum says it like I’m out bloody doing it every day. What does she think?’ I laughed. ‘Maybe she thinks you do it at school.’ ‘In the toilet.’ ‘On the sports field.’ ‘Errgh, can you believe it? Some kids do it in broad bloody daylight.’ ‘Revolting. Especially the toilet. Those toilets are so bad, and that’s after they’ve been cleaned,’ I laughed. ‘Don’t go there, sister girl. What’s been happening down your way?’ ‘Movies and stuff, but mostly surfing.’ 82

‘Yeah.’ Ruby paused. I heard her say something to someone else. ‘I forgot to tell you about the drama a few weeks back. It was real bad. Do you wanna hear?’ ‘Tell me.’ ‘This cuz came up from the city.’ ‘Which one?’ ‘Dougie the druggie. You met him when we went over to Redfern.’ ‘Oh yeah, I remember.’ ‘Bloody loser! He came here with all this white powder and pills. He sold the shit to kids and everybody. He had heaps.’ ‘Did the cops get him?’ ‘No way, girl. They’re blind when it comes to drug dealers. They pick on the users.’ ‘What happened to your cousin?’ ‘Well after a couple of young kids got really sick, I mean really, like being flown to hospital near dead, he copped it big time.’ ‘Hell.’ ‘None of the kids died, but they’re dopey now, if you know what I mean. They say there’s permanent brain damage.’ ‘That’s so bad.’ ‘The ones who went to hospital were under twelve.’ ‘Oh Ruby.’ I was shocked. ‘Some of the elders got my cousin and beat him 83

with nullas. This greaseball of a gubba with Dougie, took off, wasn’t seen for dust when they grabbed cuz.’ ‘Coward.’ ‘They absolutely thrashed Dougie to within an inch of his life. He’s not allowed back here for forty years. In other words, never. Nobody reckons he’ll live long using that white man’s poison. His whole family’s shamed. They walk around with their heads down and won’t look anyone in the eye.’ ‘Wow. I bet Doug’s bloody sorry.’ ‘He’s in hospital in Dubbo. No one visits. That’s part of the punishment. It’s funny you know.’ ‘What do you mean funny?’ ‘He thought he was going to come home, be the big city man and make a lot of money off us dumb bush blacks. He wanted to buy a flash car with the loudest speakers in the whole of Australia.’ Ruby laughed. ‘It wasn’t exactly a dream-come-true kind of thing, was it?’ ‘He deserved what he got. He was acting like some cool American dude. Total idiot.’ ‘It seems heavy, you know, the beating bit.’ ‘It’s our law.’ ‘It all sounds pretty tragic.’ ‘I suppose in some ways I’m glad he showed us what happens when you break our law.’ 84

‘Do you reckon it’s better than going to jail?’ ‘The elders do.’ The noises of traffic hummed in the distance. The night sky had the orange glow from street lights. It looked like semi-dark not black-dark, like the moonless sky of the bush. Stars didn’t twinkle here. I walked with the phone to the balcony. ‘How’s the weather?’ ‘So friggin’ hot my skin is melting,’ Ruby said seriously. ‘The birds aren’t bothered singing, it’s too bloody hot. I hang at the waterhole all day. What else can I do? How about down there?’ ‘Stinking. All this smoke from the bushfires has made me forget what air tastes like, and the heat is thick. I can’t moan. I’ve got my board and I’ve got the ocean just out my window.’ ‘I can picture it. I can’t wait to dive in again. You’ll be deadly surfing now. I’ll be too shamed to go out with you.’ ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a natural.’ When are you coming to visit me?’ Ruby asked. ‘If I could just come to your place.’ I paused trying to find the words. ‘You know, I don’t think I’m ready yet to see the old farm or anything.’ ‘No I don’t suppose so. It’s your country too, you know. No one can ever take that away from you.’ ‘Toby’s up there.’ 85

‘You’re gammin. I haven’t seen him.’ ‘He’s hiding out at the farm with Uncle Wayne.’ ‘I’ve seen your uncle a couple of times, but not Toby.’ ‘Have you spoken to my uncle?’ ‘Not much. He’s visited my auntie and Mum a couple of times. He brought them a side of lamb each and some cut-up roo.’ ‘What do you think of him?’ ‘He’s all right. He’s got nice eyes and seems pretty cool. He’s respectful with my family, so he can’t be too bad. Sometimes he takes Aloma’s kids to the farm. They don’t like going much because it’s too hot, and there’s nowhere to swim.’ I felt a pang of resentment. Toby hadn’t told me about meeting Aloma’s kids. ‘Maybe you could go and get Toby for a swim.’ ‘I’ll ask one of my brothers to drive me over. How long’s he been up here?’ ‘Nearly a month.’ ‘What? I’m not happy about that. Why didn’t he come over with your uncle last week? Too good for us or something?’ ‘It worries me. He’s sort of gone all quiet these last months. Toby doesn’t talk to me much anymore about anything. He didn’t even bother to tell me about Aloma’s kids.’ 86

‘I’ll track him down and give him a hard time for being such a snob. Sorry Jules, I have to go. A cuz wants to use the phone.’ I heard a muffled ‘wait a minute.’ ‘Jules I saw old Mrs Thompson at the library the other day. She said to say hello.’ ‘Say hello for me, if you see her again.’ ‘Sorry Jules, I’m getting hassled here for the phone. Will you be home Sunday? Ring me about eight.’ I could hear someone in the background getting louder, demanding the phone in a slurred voice. ‘Bye Ruby. It’s great talking to you, I’ll call you Sunday. Give my love to your mum.’ I hung up. I could feel myself smiling. I looked at my reflection in the glass door of the balcony. I had this stupidlooking grin. I didn’t care, I felt good. I pulled a few different faces and couldn’t help laughing at myself. The weather was changing. I could feel it. There was moisture in the air. I looked out to sea. On the horizon, streaks of lightning outlined the rolling clouds. There was no sound of thunder, just the loud roar of the sea as it crashed upon the shore. Whenever there was a flash, I could see the long band of smoke coming from the north. I wondered if this change would help the firefighters. If this was the big rain Ruby said was coming, it definitely would make everyone happy. 87

Aunt Jean came out with a tray of tea and cake. ‘The bath was fabulous. I used that new bath oil. You should try it. I feel so relaxed.’ I had to admit that Aunt Jean did look better than she’d looked earlier.’ ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you tomorrow?’ I asked tentatively. ‘I mean I’m not really doing anything.’ I thought of Ruby’s cousin with no visitors in hospital. ‘No. Thanks for offering, Julie. It’s a really simple procedure.’ ‘How long will you be in hospital?’ ‘Hopefully not too long. Waiting will probably take up the most time. I’m having it done at the hospital, because that’s where my doctor is. If she’d been in her surgery, I’d have had it done there. I’m sorry, I probably alarmed you when I said I was going to the hospital.’ Aunt Jean faced me. ‘Do you want me to tell you about the procedure?’ ‘No way. Tell me when I’m older.’ ‘At your age, you’re a very low-risk group. Unfortunately, I’m high risk now I’m over forty.’ Aunt Jean looked pensive. ‘You’re so old Aunt Jean. How can you bear it?’ ‘I enjoy it,’ Aunt Jean laughed. That sounded ridiculous. Once you were that old there wasn’t much to look forward to as far as I was 88

concerned. You’d never be a world champion surfer, that’s for sure. ‘I talked to Ruby.’ ‘How is she?’ ‘Pretty good. It’s bloody hot up there. People are going off their tree. Ruby said she’d go visit Toby.’ ‘He’d like that, I think.’ ‘At least he’d be able to have a swim. There’d be no water in the dams on the farm, that’s for sure.’ ‘Do you want to ring him some time?’ ‘Maybe tomorrow night, it’s too late now.’ I stared at the lightning out to sea. ‘What a light show,’ Aunt Jean said. ‘Better than any pyrotechnic display.’ ‘The lightning is so silent.’ Aunt Jean laughed. ‘You know what I mean. It’s weird not hearing thunder.’ Just as I said it, a loud rumble began and ended in a very loud thunderclap. Heavy rain drops splattered down. ‘It’s going to pour,’ Aunt Jean said, gathering up the tea things. I grabbed the cushions off the seats. The rain belted down, lashing the balcony. We got inside before we were completely drenched. I shook raindrops out of my hair. 89

We watched the storm through the kitchen window. The sea was violently agitated. I could see whitecaps crashing at each other in the roll of the waves. What a shipwreck night, I thought. ‘Would you like a game of Scrabble?’ Aunt Jean asked. ‘Okay. I’ll get it.’ We set up on the coffee table in the lounge room. It felt good to be inside. The rain beat against the windows. Thunderclaps receded into the distance. The sea constantly roared. I tried to figure out how to get the best score with my pathetic letters. I had five vowels and my highest tile was worth two points. Aunt Jean put down the word ‘nuncio’ to begin. I choked. What sort of word was that? It sounded foreign. ‘It’s in the dictionary,’ Aunt Jean said smugly. ‘What does it mean?’ ‘Look it up, if you don’t believe me.’ I knew it would be in the dictionary. ‘I believe you, but what does it mean?’ ‘A diplomat of the Pope.’ Aunt Jean laughed and looked triumphant. Who cared? It’s a stupid word. I struggled with my letters. Mum had taught us Scrabble when we were little. It was good for our vocabulary, she’d said. Sometimes I enjoyed it. Sometimes I hated it. None of 90

my friends played and they’d looked at me strangely once when I’d suggested a game. Aunt Jean won as usual. She knew more stupid words than me. ‘Aunt Jean?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you think kids who grow up in the city and never see the stars miss out?’ ‘Miss out on what?’ ‘Well, you know, mythology. Like, people might say Gemini or something, but they wouldn’t know where it was in the sky. Even the Southern Cross, Orion, Pleiades.’ ‘I suppose you’re right.’ ‘I’d hate it if I didn’t know the constellations and stuff. I can’t see them much here, but I know they’re there. I remember this song Mum used to sing.’ I looked at Aunt Jean and started singing softly, ‘Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, Never let it fade away, Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, Save it for a rainy day.’ Aunt Jean joined in. ‘Our mother used to sing that song to your mother and I when we were children.’ ‘Mum sang it to us all the time.’ I felt a slight tinge of sadness, but swallowed it. ‘I’m amazed I remembered it as well as I did. It 91

must be years since I’ve thought about that song,’ Aunt Jean said, staring into the distance, as if some far-away memory had just awoken. I looked out the window. The storm was even wilder. ‘I said I’d ring Kate.’ I looked at the clock. It was nine-thirty. ‘I don’t think it’s too late.’ ‘I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Julie.’ Aunt Jean kissed me on the cheek. ‘Sleep well.’ ‘You too. What time are you leaving in the morning?’ ‘Seven-thirty.’ ‘I’ll have breakfast with you. If I’m not awake, wake me. I doubt I’ll be going surfing tomorrow if the weather’s as wild as this.’ I dialled Kate’s number. I thought no one was going to answer. I was thinking up a message for the machine when she answered. I got the usual shock at hearing a real voice. ‘Hi, it’s Jules.’ ‘Hi Jules, I didn’t think you were going to ring.’ ‘Is it too late?’ I hoped it wasn’t. ‘Hell no. I was watching TV. My sister had to go into work. Some crisis about something or other. What are you up to?’ ‘Not much. My Aunt Jean has a lump in her breast. She’s having a biopsy tomorrow.’ I looked at 92

my nails. ‘We’ve just been talking and stuff. We had a game of Scrabble.’ ‘Scrabble!’ ‘Don’t you like Scrabble?’ ‘Never played. It looks boring,’ Kate answered dismissively. I decided not to respond. It wasn’t worth it. How could people be so sure they didn’t like something if they hadn’t tried it? ‘Hope your aunt’s okay.’ ‘Me too.’ ‘Have you heard of Rell Sunn?’ Kate asked. ‘I don’t think so.’ ‘She was a cool Hawaiian surfer from the sixties. They called her the heart of the sea.’ ‘I’ve never heard of her.’ ‘I think she was the world’s best woman surfer in a whole kind of way.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You know, holistic. Rell Sunn was like a spirit of the ocean. She started surfing when she was four, like me.’ ‘You’re so lucky to have started so young.’ ‘I know. Sometimes Rell would sit on a chair on her surfboard.’ We both laughed. ‘Would you try that?’ I asked. 93

‘I have tried it but I haven’t been able to do it yet. I just fall off,’ Kate laughed. ‘I’d be too embarrassed to try that here.’ ‘Rell even took her dog surfing.’ ‘Wow.’ ‘She said that the dog knew it was special if you took it surfing.’ I thought of the only dog I ever had, Jesse. I pictured her on the nose of the board, smiling at the waves. ‘I’m going to look up Rell Sunn in the library or online,’ I said. ‘Rell’s famous.’ Kate paused. ‘Hey, you should come up to my place sometime. We could practise sitting on chairs.’ ‘Have you got a dog?’ ‘Yeah, it’s my younger brother’s. Spot.’ Spot, I couldn’t believe anyone really called their dog Spot, but I didn’t say anything. For all I knew, Kate could have named it. ‘Would you take Spot surfing?’ ‘No. He wouldn’t stand still. He’s a Dalmatian. Hyperactive. You know after the movie craze, everyone had to have one. My brother got him as a birthday present, and stupidly called him Spot. It’s better than Measles, I suppose.’ I laughed, partly out of relief that Kate thought it a stupid name, and because of the thought of a dog 94

called Measles. ‘Maybe when I get my licence and car, I could drive up.’ ‘Are you getting your licence?’ ‘I’m going to try. My aunt’s going to give me lessons.’ ‘I’m getting mine next February.’ ‘Great.’ There was silence. ‘Rell Sunn died of breast cancer,’ Kate said quietly. ‘What?’ ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to freak you out or anything. I just thought I ought to tell you.’ ‘God, Kate. I hope Aunt Jean hasn’t got it. I’d die.’ I felt scared, as if I was hurtling towards a black hole opening up in front of me. ‘Sorry, Jules. I don’t reckon your aunt’s got it. Think positively.’ Kate sounded contrite. ‘Sometimes I wish I could keep my big mouth shut.’ ‘Don’t worry. It’s not your fault.’ ‘No I know, but maybe it wasn’t the right time to talk about Rell, if you know what I mean.’ ‘It’s okay. Look I better go.’ ‘Are you angry with me?’ Kate asked. ‘No. No way. I’m going to have a bath before I go to bed. Do you want to check out the waves in the morning?’ 95

‘Great.’ ‘Oh shit, I forgot. I said I’d have breakfast with my aunt in the morning. I’ll have to keep my eye on the time and get back about six-thirty.’ ‘I’ve got a waterproof watch, I’ll wear it.’ ‘Great, same place, same time.’ ‘See you, and Jules,’ Kate had a serious tone. ‘Don’t worry about your aunt, you know worry only gets you wrinkles.’ Kate laughed and hung up. I couldn’t help but smiling about my new friend. I ran the bath, swishing the water around to get the right temperature, feeling comforted by its warmth.

96

CHAPTER 6

Wednesday

T

he aftermath of the storm was a wild, unmanageable sea. The rain had stopped but the wind

was practically cyclonic. It was blowing a gale off the water, chopping the waves into turbulent dumpers. It looked dangerous. I wondered if Kate was looking at the same scene from her sister’s balcony. Dawn was grey and the approaching sunrise unremarkable. I ran down the stairs to my rendezvous. The wind howled and swept plastic bags up the street. I caught a couple. ‘This weather’s shit,’ Kate said, approaching from the corner. I noticed she didn’t have her surfboard. ‘Do you want to come up for breakfast?’ ‘Will your aunt mind?’ ‘No, she’s not up yet, and won’t be for at least another hour.’ I put my finger to my lips as we passed Aunt Jean’s bedroom door. We tiptoed to the kitchen. I put the bags I’d collected in our rubbish bin and put the 97

kettle on. ‘Tea or coffee?’ I got two cups down. ‘Coffee, thanks. This is a great place.’ Kate looked around admiringly. ‘My aunt’s lived here all her life.’ ‘I like it better than my sister’s. This place has a past. My sister’s is so new.’ ‘No ghosts of its own,’ I said. ‘Yeah. You know here, you can imagine other times.’ I’d never really thought about it like that. I poured the coffee. It was too bleak to sit out on the balcony, so we sat at the kitchen bench. ‘Well that’s stuffed up the morning,’ Kate said. ‘I wish I was one of those people who could go back to bed and sleep. Once I’m up and awake, that’s it.’ ‘Me too.’ I sipped my coffee. ‘Kate, do you want to come to a rave on Saturday night? If you don’t . . .’ I left the sentence unfinished. ‘Cool. I’ll come.’ ‘I’ll ring Phoebe later to get tickets for us.’ ‘How much?’ ‘Depends, I guess. Maybe if Phoebe and Jasmine aren’t doing anything, we could go over to their place later.’ ‘Do they live together?’ ‘No Jasmine is staying at Phoebe’s. She had a big 98

fight with her mum.’ I’d have to warn Phoebe and Jasmine not to spill the beans about my parents. I’d have to tell them I’d told Kate they died in a car crash. ‘Is it only you and your aunt living here?’ ‘No, my brother Toby usually does, but he’s up the bush with our uncle.’ ‘Whereabouts?’ ‘Oh you know, the back of Bourke. Out west.’ ‘Never been there.’ ‘It’s the end of the line.’ ‘Is that where you come from?’ ‘Y . . . yes.’ I hoped this was the last question about my past. Kate looked at me. My stuttering had alerted her to something. ‘I’m sorry, Jules, I forgot about the car accident. No wonder you’re worried about your aunt.’ As if on cue, I heard Aunt Jean coming out of her bedroom. The first place she went was the toilet. I then heard her in the bathroom, splashing water on her face. This was her morning ritual. You could tell the time by Aunt Jean’s habits. ‘Should I go?’ Kate whispered. ‘No. It’s cool.’ I put the kettle on and got the juicer out of the cupboard. ‘Would you like an orange juice?’ I cut the oranges 99

in half. ‘Thanks.’ I put some bread in the toaster and got out the butter and marmalade and put them on the table. ‘Good morning Julie, and you must be Kate.’ Kate stood up. Aunt Jean held her hand out. They shook. ‘Pleased to meet you, um, Miss um . . .’ Kate looked at me for help. ‘Just call me Jean.’ ‘Okay, Jean.’ Kate sat down again. I put the jug of orange juice on the table with three glasses. ‘Looks like a pretty miserable day,’ Aunt Jean said, peering out the kitchen window. ‘It’s a shocker. There’s no way I’m going near the water this morning,’ I said, sitting down at the table. Aunt Jean brought the coffee plunger to the table. I was almost going to tell Aunt Jean about Rell Sunn, but decided because of the breast cancer stuff it probably wasn’t a good subject right now. ‘Where do you live Kate?’ Aunt Jean asked. ‘Up near Taree.’ We ate in silence. I looked at Aunt Jean’s face to see if I could see signs of worry. Other than her usual wrinkles, there was no discernible difference. Was she paler than usual, or was that my imagination? It was hard when you saw someone every day, to see 100

changes. ‘I told Kate about your appointment,’ I said to Aunt Jean. ‘I hope that’s all right?’ ‘Fine. It’s only a little lump. I’m not worried,’ Aunt Jean said. I could detect by her mouth she wasn’t really fine, there was no smile. ‘Has anyone in your family had breast cancer?’ Kate asked. I nearly died. How dare Kate say the cancer word? I went red with embarrassment and couldn’t look at Aunt Jean. ‘Not that I’m aware of,’ Aunt Jean replied calmly, ‘I don’t come from a very big family and don’t know some of my cousins, but no one in the immediate family I know of.’ ‘That’s good,’ Kate said cheerfully. I wanted to strangle her for raising the subject. ‘Indeed it is, Kate and that’s why I’m only slightly worried.’ I hoped this was the end of the conversation. ‘I wonder if the weather’s going to stay like this?’ I said. ‘Oh Julie, you always bring up the weather when you’re uncomfortable with a subject,’ Aunt Jean laughed. That stung. I could feel tears welling. Why did 101

Aunt Jean diss me? Why take her lump out on me? I changed the subject for her sake, couldn’t she see that? I was stuck for words. I wanted to say something nasty, but my mind went blank. Anyway come to think of it, Aunt Jean always changed the subject, not me. Adults are so inconsistent. Kate came to the rescue. ‘I hope the weather changes this afternoon.’ I was so angry with Aunt Jean but tried to pretend everything was normal. I got up and turned the radio on for a surf report, hiding the angry glint in my eyes. ‘Thanks for breakfast, Julie.’ Aunt Jean came and gave me a hug. I stiffened. Small beads of rain ran down the kitchen window. The traffic started becoming more regular. The street lights were off. I wanted to push Aunt Jean away, but couldn’t be bothered. ‘I’ll ring you this afternoon,’ Aunt Jean said, as she kissed me lightly on the forehead. Go away and have breast cancer, I wanted to shout and then immediately felt terrible. I’m sorry, I thought, but Aunt Jean shouldn’t have said that about me and the weather. ‘Nice meeting you Kate.’ ‘You too,’ Kate stood up awkwardly. I didn’t say anything as I cleared the breakfast things away. 102

‘Your aunt seems all right.’ ‘Sometimes,’ I answered, scowling at the sink. Kate brought plates over, oblivious to my state of mind. ‘What are you doing today? You’re welcome to hang around here if you want.’ I said it halfheartedly, because I wanted to chew on my misery. ‘I’m meeting my sister for lunch and then we’re going shopping. Carol wants to spend some money so I’m going along to help her. Some big bonus she got for rescuing her boss’s backside or something.’ I was secretly relieved. ‘I’ll be back about three or four,’ Kate said. ‘I’ll ring Phoebe and Jasmine and see what they’re doing later. If we can’t surf maybe we could meet them for coffee or something.’ I’d changed my mind about taking Kate to their place. They were my friends and I didn’t want Kate to spoil that. What if they liked her better than me? I mean she’s pretty cool and knows heaps. What if they thought I was boring because I didn’t like to party and stuff like Kate did? ‘I’ve got hours before I meet Carol. How about you teach me Scrabble?’ ‘You’re kidding.’ ‘Well what else could we do? We’re not exactly the practising make-up or hairstyles types are we?’ 103

‘No, I guess not. We could go online if you like.’ ‘Now you’re talking. I could see if any of my friends are on.’ I logged on and gave up my seat for Kate. The weather was bad up north as well, Kate called out, as I stared out my window at the chaotic dark sea. I was amazed, when I went into the kitchen and glanced at the clock, how much time had gone by. I rushed back to Kate. ‘What time do you have to meet your sister?’ ‘Twelve-thirty.’ ‘It’s ten to twelve, you better hurry.’ ‘I better get a cab, I reckon.’ ‘It’ll cost heaps.’ ‘My sister will pay. It’s fine.’ ‘You’re probably better off trying to hail one.’ ‘Can I borrow something to wear? I don’t think Carol will appreciate it if I turn up looking like this.’ We rushed into my room. Kate grabbed a couple of things out of the wardrobe and hurriedly dressed. ‘I’ll come down with you, I have to get a few things at the shop.’ We raced out of my building and down the street. A couple of empty cabs headed down Campbell Parade. We needed one to come the opposite way. It took ten minutes before a taxi stopped. The afternoon stretched out in front of me. I 104

bought the milk and bread. I walked slowly up the street, the wind pushing against me. Once inside, I rang Phoebe’s place but there was no answer. I left a message on the answering machine. I was at a bit of a loose end and didn’t know what to do with myself. I made myself a sandwich and went out on the balcony to read the newspaper. More bad news. I tossed it aside. The wind had eased but the sea looked murky and uninviting. There were a few people on the beach, but no one was in the water. The phone rang. It was Phoebe. We arranged to meet at five o’clock at the Gelato Bar. I opened the door of Toby’s room. I felt as if I was doing something wrong because he wasn’t there. He was very private about his room and what went on behind the closed door. I looked at his posters. Some of them were pretty gross. Men, machines and sport were his main themes. He had some extreme pictures of surfers though. I studied them. Would I ever be brave enough to ride big waves? Some of them looked as high as buildings. I admired Layne Beachley for surfing a thirty footer, not that Toby had her picture on his wall. If she can do it, so can I, I thought to myself. Time seemed to be dragging. I swear the clock had hardly moved since the last time I’d looked. I wished I had a dog to take for a walk. I felt lonely going on 105

my own. I was scared something might happen to me. I didn’t know what, but sometimes I’d think of all those gay men who’d been murdered on the cliffs around from the Bondi Baths in the late-eighties. I knew the chances of it happening to me in broad daylight on the beach or anything, were remote, but what if I saw something I shouldn’t and I had to be rubbed out. I knew I was being dramatic, I couldn’t help it. It was like sometimes my mind seemed to be on its own trip. I jumped at shadows and the only place I felt totally safe was on my surfboard. I thought about my father’s letter again. I remembered some of the things that were said in court. Words echoed in my mind. Post-traumatic stress, unjust war, horror, murder. I didn’t want to think about all of that again, so I turned on the TV. It was a talk show and it seemed so false. I thought the audience had to be actors. No one would choose to be that stupid on television. I switched it off. I went and lay on my bed. I’d dozed off. The insistent ringing of the phone woke me. I felt a bit groggy and disoriented. The phone stopped just as I reached it. I waited and listened for the answering machine to kick in. It didn’t. I hated that. Not knowing who it was. Oh well, they’d ring back if it was important. I used to hate that when Mum would say it, if I’d forgotten 106

something. I ran my hand along the wall as I went back to my bedroom. The posters of great women surfers on my wall made me wonder if I really ever would be that good. I studied the one of Layne Beachley on the thirty footer. Could I do that? I imitated her stance and imagined the huge wave above me. I closed my eyes and I could smell the sea. Why hadn’t I lived here all my life? A lot of women surfers started young, because they lived near the sea. Why did I have to grow up in a red dirt-covered land? Why did I grow up with fighting parents? Why did they hate each other? Why did I ask myself questions that didn’t have answers? I opened my eyes and looked at the drawer with my father’s letter. I wished I had one from my mother. I had nothing of her memory, nothing of hers that was mine. The only photos were the ones Aunt Jean had. I wonder what Dad had written to me, what could he possibly say? I opened the drawer. At first I didn’t want to pick it up. It made me cry. The envelope was crumpled from the hundreds of times I’d held it. I’d even screwed it up once, to throw in the bin. I couldn’t do it. The phone rang again and I quickly shut the drawer and ran to answer it. It was Kate. We arranged for her to come to my place. I didn’t go back in to my room. 107

When Kate arrived we went up on to the roof. The air smelt more like the mix of sea and city. There was only a faint trace of smoke. The sea was still pretty wild. ‘This’d be a cool place for a party,’ Kate said. I’d never thought about it. I looked around, seeing the rooftop in a different light. ‘You could put lanterns and lights around.’ Kate turned around, hands outstretched. ‘The band over there.’ Band, get a grip, I panicked. ‘Don’t think the neighbours would appreciate it. Below us are some very old people, you know sixty or something.’ ‘They’re probably deaf. The music would carry out into the stratosphere, not downstairs.’ ‘They’re not deaf. Anyway, I don’t think so. I don’t want the responsibility of a party.’ ‘I’d help. Your other friends would help. It doesn’t have to be big.’ ‘A band?’ ‘You know, Nirvana unplugged.’ ‘I don’t know any bands.’ Kate looked out to sea. Her brow creased. ‘You really just don’t want to have fun, do you? You’re a real anti-fun sort of girl aren’t you?’ Kate stared into 108

my eyes. Here we go again. ‘Look Kate, I don’t want to have to go on about this. I don’t know about the parties you go to, but the last thing I would want is to have my space invaded by a lot of trashed people and gatecrashers, whatever.’ I paused. ‘I do like fun,’ I added angrily. ‘What’s your definition of fun? Your idea of fun might make me vomit.’ ‘Why are you so grouchy?’ Kate looked away. ‘I’m not,’ I said stubbornly. ‘All right, I’ll never mention it again.’ The silence between us was thick. I didn’t want to say anything. ‘Look Kate,’ I finally said. ‘I’m sorry if I’m crabby but I guess it’s my aunt and stuff and I’m sort of a bit worried about my brother. I don’t have time for that stuff, you know partying and all that. I’ve got my surfing and family to worry about.’ ‘Cool. It’s just, I guess I want to break out. Holidays, summer, all of that.’ ‘We ought to start walking to meet the others. I usually have fun with them,’ I said pointedly. ‘We have lots of fun. I hope you like each other.’ ‘What did you tell them about me?’ ‘That you’re a fruitcake.’ ‘Jules!’ 109

‘No I didn’t. I told them you’re cool.’ ‘Thanks.’ ‘I’m just going to ring my aunt, before we go.’ Aunt Jean said everything had gone fine and she’d find out the results soon. We walked down the street silently. It was as if we were both in our own worlds. I wondered how much longer my friendship with Kate would last on land. I may have to just meet her on the waves. I wondered if she was thinking the same about me. ‘I’m a bit nervous. It’s sort of a bit scary meeting someone else’s friends. What if they don’t like me?’ Kate stopped walking. So that’s why she’d been so quiet. ‘It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Phoebe and Jasmine are cool. You’ll like each other. In fact I’ll probably be the one who’ll be left out.’ Kate laughed. ‘I don’t think so.’ We walked up past the pavilion, over the grass and on to Campbell Parade. It was busy and it took ages to get across the road. We made our way into the crowded Gelato Bar. Phoebe and Jasmine were already sitting down the back. I introduced everybody and laughed nervously. I hoped they’d all like each other. 110

‘We haven’t ordered yet,’ Jasmine said. Kate and I sat down. ‘I hate coming here,’ Phoebe said. I looked at her. ‘You suggested meeting here,’ I said defensively. ‘I hate it because there is so much I want to eat.’ We all laughed. We ordered cake and iced chocolates. ‘I’ll shout you,’ I said to Kate. ‘No, it’s cool. Carol gave me money.’ Phoebe, Jasmine and Kate got on fine. I relaxed and mostly listened as they talked about clubs and music and stuff. Occasionally one of them would ask me something. I was mostly content to just sit back and drift off. It took the pressure off answering questions or justifing who I was and the choices I made. We parted after finalising the arrangements for Saturday night. Kate and I gave Phoebe our money for the tickets. I was tempted to say that I needn’t go, as they’d have a better time without me. What if they agreed? Would I care? Probably, so I said nothing. I didn’t go in to Kate’s place. We arranged to meet in the morning if the weather was right. I waved to her as I walked up the hill. I changed my clothes and went to the kitchen. Aunt Jean was preparing a salad. 111

‘Hi Jules, did you have a good day?’ ‘Yep, it was cool.’ ‘Are you hungry?’ ‘Not really. I had a cake at the Gelato Bar.’ I picked up a pamphlet off the bench. It was about breast cancer. I put it down quickly. Aunt Jean didn’t seem to notice. ‘I’m going to a rave on Saturday night.’ ‘That’s unusual for you. I thought you didn’t like those things much.’ ‘I sort of promised the others.’ ‘Good. You might even have a good time.’ If Aunt Jean only knew what raves were like. No point telling her, because she’d freak out and then give me a lecture on public safety or something. I could hear her in my head, ‘Make sure you know where the fire exits are. Don’t accept drinks from strangers’. ‘Wonder if it’s a good time to ring Toby?’ I didn’t want to talk about the rave. ‘Wayne rang the office today, but I was in court. He left a message saying they’d ring us tonight.’ ‘I hope it’s not too late, I want an early night.’ Aunt Jean shook the dressing and sprinkled it over the salad. I thought that she didn’t seem to be concerned about her test today. I wasn’t sure whether to raise the subject. If Aunt Jean wanted to talk about 112

it, she would. I said nothing. We ate on the balcony. The shadows of the day edged across the building tops as the street lights came on with perfect synchronicity. I hoped I could surf tomorrow. A day off and I was hanging out like a junkie. I prayed to the sea to give us some good waves. Toby and Uncle Wayne rang at nine. Toby told me that Ruby had come and taken him to the waterhole. He’d had a great time and was going again real soon. Uncle Wayne was driving them down and they’d arrive Friday night. I went straight to bed after the phone call. My bed felt comfortable. I lay down. You never really know what’s going to happen, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

113

CHAPTER 7

Thursday Morning

I

woke up as dawn broke in the eastern sky. The bloody wind was onshore again. I looked at the

pathetic sea from my bedroom window. No swell. I wondered if Kate had bothered staying up after seeing there was no action this morning. I’d had a really good sleep and felt wide awake. I got back into bed and lay there staring at the ceiling. I might visit Phoebe and Jasmine and see what they thought of Kate. I’d have to wait hours though, because they slept in really late. Maybe I should wash the ozone off the windows. How boring. I wanted to do something different, but couldn’t think of anything. I loved the holidays, but sometimes there wasn’t anything to do day after day. Why was the weather being so awful? It was much better surfing on weekdays because there weren’t as many people on the waves. Weekends were a nightmare sometimes. There wasn’t even anywhere to put your towel, the beach was so crowded. I got up. There was no point doing nothing. I decided to go for a swim. I didn’t do that often. It’s 114

usually surfing or nothing. A flash of death crossed my mind. When was I going to stop thinking like this? It was just this stupid fear thing. Did other kids who’d been through family murder fear like I did? Did they think that one day they would be murdered, like I sometimes did? I grabbed a towel and walked down to the beach. There were very few people. The sand glistened. I loved the sparkling quartz in the golden sand. It mesmerised me as I walked along. Sparkling little diamonds, I thought. It never ceased to amaze me that this is what glass was made from. I picked up a handful and sifted through my fingers the multitude of grains. ‘Hey, Julie.’ It was Geoff, a lifeguard I knew. He’d helped me when I first started surfing. I dropped the sand, embarrassed. ‘Hi. I was just . . .’ I turned and looked behind me. ‘Well, I was just, um . . .’ ‘Thinking of going for a swim?’ ‘Yeah, a swim.’ ‘Are you all right, Julie?’ Geoff looked at me with concern. ‘I’m fine, you know just a bit . . .’ Geoff looked at me expectantly. What was wrong with me? I mean what’s wrong with looking at sand. 115

Get it together. ‘Sorry Geoff, I was just looking at the silica in the sand, and I was sort of surprised a little bit when you spoke.’ Geoff looked at me blankly. Oh my god, this was worse. I should have just shut up about the sand. ‘Right,’ Geoff finally said. ‘There’s no surf this morning, but it’ll be up by this afternoon, mark my words.’ ‘Cool. I feel empty if I don’t surf.’ ‘You’ve sure got the passion, no doubt about that. Good on you.’ ‘I’m glad you know what I mean, instead of thinking I’m a nut.’ ‘My family and some of my friends used to stir me full-bore about surfing.’ Geoff looked wistfully at the sea. I smiled at him. ‘I hope you’re right about waves later. Yesterday was such crap.’ ‘You’re not wrong, but we still had to rescue a couple of bloody galahs out in the storm.’ Geoff paused. ‘Bloody idiots with shit for brains. I’d hate to meet their parents’, he said angrily. ‘Yesterday we had the devil’s own job, saving a couple of jerks who were dead from the neck up, they were that bloody stupid. I wonder why we bother saving some nongs. The meatheads are back out as soon as we turn our backs for a repeat performance of their near-death 116

experience, where they let it all go, man. I tell ’em I can smell it.’ I laughed. The way Geoff talked reminded me of some of the oldies from back home. He had all these stupid expressions I hardly heard in the city. I studied Geoff’s face and saw the lines of age. I bet he’s the same age as Dad, I thought. ‘There’s one born every minute.’ Geoff shook his head as he studied the water, always alert to having to rescue some ‘bloody drongo’, as he and my Dad would say. ‘Bloody idiots,’ I said. Geoff laughed. ‘Exactamento, my dear girl, exactamento.’ We studied the sea. Geoff spoke first. ‘Have you thought about what we talked about the other week?’ I tried to remember. I must have looked blank. ‘The surf club,’ Geoff reminded me. ‘I asked you to think about joining.’ ‘I don’t know.’ I’d completely forgotten. ‘Learning to be a lifeguard will be good for your surfing.’ ‘I don’t know, Geoff. You know, with school and surfing and stuff, I don’t have a lot of time.’ ‘You could co-join the surf club. Every month they 117

go away for the weekend to another beach along the coast. It gives you a chance to try out other breaks. It’s good to learn in all sorts of conditions if you’re ever going to compete.’ ‘I’ll think about it.’ ‘That’s what you said last time,’ Geoff said, goodnaturedly. ‘I will. I’ve entered the competition at North Steyne in a couple of weeks.’ ‘Well done. It’s a good competition. You’ll do well. I’ve seen you out there a couple of times,’ Geoff pointed towards the reef. ‘You’ve really improved in these past months. You’ll give the other girls a run for their money. Good luck.’ ‘Thanks.’ I put my towel down. ‘Is there much of a rip?’ ‘No, it’s pretty placid. Catch you later. Remember Jules, the surf club would welcome a member like you.’ Geoff waved and continued walking south. I could feel the heat in my cheeks from blushing. Geoff was so kind to me. I’d have to ask Aunt Jean if he knew about Dad. I hoped not. As I watched Geoff’s retreating back I thought about surfing in Hawaii. Geoff had surfed all over the world, but I sensed Hawaii meant something more to him. He’d told me in Hawaii, everyone surfed; women, children, dogs, whatever and they had done for centuries. I wanted 118

to ask him if he’d ever go back there, but didn’t. Even though Geoff would always have a chat, there was something really private about him. Aunt Jean had known him since school, but she said he wasn’t what you would consider a friend. I had no idea what she meant, but rather than get some long explanation, I sort of acted like I understood. I walked to the water’s edge, staring at the clouded sun rise. Some of the clouds appeared to have a golden lining. The water was slightly cool. I dived in, breaking through the slight swell. The water was a beautiful green. I could see the ripples the waves had embedded on the sea bottom. I floated on top of the water watching the sky. I was so lucky. I sang the words of I’m So Lucky to the passing sea birds. I could tell one of the gulls was very impressed, because it remained hovering above me, till I’d finished the song. I finally left the water and the beach. I walked up the hill, beads of water dribbling down my legs. There was more activity, with people leaving their buildings to catch buses. Cars started up and whizzed away. Shiny bums, Dad called people who worked in offices. I pushed Dad out of my mind. I seemed to be thinking about him a lot lately, which puzzled me. Aunt Jean was leaving for work when I arrived home. ‘How was your swim?’ 119

‘Great. I saw Geoff. He wants me to join the surf club.’ ‘Do you want to?’ ‘I don’t know.’ Aunt Jean didn’t press me. ‘I wish I could get up early enough every morning and have a swim before work.’ ‘You’ve been saying that for ages. I could wake you. It’d only mean getting up an hour earlier, and imagine how good you’d feel.’ ‘I know, I know. I do like my bed though and sleep is one of my favourite pleasures.’ ‘You and Mum used to go swimming before school, didn’t you?’ ‘Yes, we did. I stopped when I started university. I used to have to get up so early sometimes to get the bus.’ Aunt Jean picked up her bag and keys. ‘What are you doing today?’ ‘Don’t know. Maybe I’ll wash the windows.’ ‘I’ll give you twenty dollars if you do.’ ‘You don’t need to pay me.’ ‘I want to.’ ‘Okay.’ I told myself to not argue about it. ‘What time will you be home?’ ‘A bit later than usual. I’m going to have drinks with some friends. I’ll ring you.’ 120

Aunt Jean came and gave me a peck on my right cheek. I listened as the front door closed and suddenly felt very lonely and burst into tears. It had come from nowhere. I tried to pull myself together, but couldn’t, so put my head down on my arms and bawled. As my sobs petered out, I tried to think what had brought this crying on. I just didn’t know, and the harder I tried to find an answer the more my mind stayed blank. Maybe I was going to bleed. I looked at the calendar and the discreet red dot I used as the record of my periods. I was pretty regular, so it was an accurate guide. No, it wasn’t that. I was in the middle of my cycle, according to the calendar. It was a mystery why I’d become so emotional. I made myself a juice and some toast. The sun had risen and the day looked as if it was going to be a good one. The sky was mostly cloudless and there was no smoke on the horizon. It was still raining up north and rivers were swelling from the Diamantina to the Darling. Big floods coming, I thought. I put one of my aunt’s k.d. lang CDs on. I loved her clear voice and songs of unrequited love. I gathered the window-washing gear. I sang along to the music as I washed up and down. It was difficult to get every smear off, but I wasn’t satisfied till I did. I was pleased with my effort. The light inside looked brighter. The 121

beating sun and hard work had made me perspire. I finally finished the last window and went and had a shower. It was only nine o’clock. I washed my hair and thought of Kate. Maybe she’d like to come for a walk around to the Aboriginal engravings. It was hard to tell sometimes if something you were enthusiastic about, you could share with someone else. I hoped she wouldn’t say ‘boring’. I dialled Kate’s number. She answered on the third ring. ‘Kate, hi, it’s Jules.’ ‘Yo. I was just about to ring you. I guessed you’d seen the lack of action this morning. I went back to bed. I had a real late one with my sister and a couple of her friends. Talk about alkies. You should have seen how much they drank.’ ‘How are you feeling?’ ‘A bit wasted, but hey, that’s how I usually feel.’ ‘Oh Kate.’ ‘What?’ ‘I dunno.’ ‘Go on. What did you mean when you said, “Oh Kate”?’ ‘Nothing, I just sort of feel sorry for you. That’s all.’ ‘Don’t feel sorry for me. I had a good time.’ ‘I went for a swim.’ ‘You should have called me. I’d have come.’ 122

‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be up. I didn’t want to wake anyone up at five-thirty in the morning.’ ‘Yeah. Carol would have spewed if the phone had rung that early.’ ‘I wonder if . . .’ I paused. A feeling of insecurity swept through me. ‘What?’ ‘Well, if you’d like to come for a walk around the cliffs.’ I’d decided not to say anything about the engravings. ‘Cool. I’ve always wanted to see the engravings and stuff.’ ‘You know about the engravings?’ I was incredulous. Gee I worried about nothing, so many times. ‘Yeah. I did Aboriginal Studies at school last year. You know the alternative story to this peaceful country discovered a little over two hundred years ago. I learnt all about the Sydney area. I probably know more than you.’ ‘I doubt it.’ I was indignant. ‘Do you know that the Birrigal Reserve has the wrong name, because they got the names of the tribes mixed up?’ ‘Of course I do.’ ‘Did you do Aboriginal Studies?’ ‘Yeah, last year. It’s so sad what’s happened in such a short time.’ 123

‘I know. I like the timelessness that existed, you know. How clean the coast must have been and how much seafood there’d have been.’ ‘Yeah and giant forests.’ ‘All gone, but let’s not get ourselves down,’ Kate whispered. ‘I’ll come up in about ten minutes.’ I felt a slight chill. A funny light seemed to flash in my head. I took a deep breath. ‘Okay. I’ll meet you out the front. Bring a pack to carry water and food.’ ‘Carol’s sure to have one. See you soon.’ I’d completely changed my day’s plans without even thinking about it. Monkeys danced in my head. I laughed how scientists said animals didn’t talk. I knew different. They spoke different languages, just like people. I’d even heard monkeys gossiping when I visited Taronga Park Zoo. I knew they were talking about humans. Sometimes they’d break out in laughter, and if I turned around I’d see their figure of fun. I wished I had an animal to cuddle. I’d love a monkey, but knew that was impossible. I wanted a little dog, that didn’t mind living in a flat, three floors up. I’d teach it to surf. I was too scared to ask Aunt Jean. If she’d wanted a dog she would have one by now, I suppose. I put my map, camera, food and water into my daypack. 124

Kate was just making her way up the front steps when I came out of the front door.

125

CHAPTER 8

Thursday Evening

A

unt Jean arrived home from work with a large package under her arm.

‘What’s that?’ Aunt Jean looked embarrassed. ‘It’s a transcript of your father’s trial.’ ‘What do you want that for?’ An audible sigh escaped Aunt Jean’s lips. ‘There is a chance the prosecution is going to appeal the sentence to counter your father’s lawyer’s appeal.’ When was this nightmare going to cease? I’d had enough. ‘Why? Dad was found guilty by a jury.’ ‘The prosecution thinks the sentence isn’t long enough. The defence thinks it’s too long.’ ‘That’s crazy.’ ‘Both sides have to be able to prove the judge made a mistake in law.’ ‘How can a judge make a mistake? They don’t decide if someone’s guilty. The jury does.’ ‘It could be a technical thing. Possibly something the judge said to the jury in the summing-up of the case.’ 126

‘Why doesn’t everyone leave well enough alone?’ I plonked myself down at the table and put my head on my arms. I wasn’t going to cry. I was too exhausted. Was I being punished for having a good day? Kate and I had explored for miles. It had been great, having someone to share the fascinating history around the rocks with. Kate shared my enthusiasm as we speculated on the past. Aunt Jean’s voice invaded my peace. ‘Mr Willich, the prosecutor, wants me to read the transcript and give him my opinion.’ Aunt Jean paused and looked at me to see if I was listening. ‘He’s not convinced by post-traumatic stress syndrome as a defence. He places more importance on the history of domestic violence and the numerous existing police reports.’ ‘I don’t believe this is happening again. I thought Dad was going to be in jail till he was over seventy.’ ‘Neither legal team may find grounds for an appeal. Let’s not worry about what might not even happen.’ ‘What does it all mean? Will I have to go to court again?’ I looked at Aunt Jean imploringly. ‘I couldn’t. I won’t.’ A floodgate of tears opened and my nose began to run. Aunt Jean handed me a hankie. I sniffed and snorted. I didn’t care what I sounded like. 127

‘It is all very preliminary at this stage. It’s argued between lawyers and a panel of judges. I’m pretty confident there won’t be a retrial. I don’t believe the judge erred.’ ‘Why is the law so complicated?’ ‘That’s a very good question but greater minds than mine haven’t been able to come up with an answer.’ ‘Why did you choose it as your career, it seems so stupid.’ ‘It can be satisfying. I enjoy the logic in arguing a case and that I’ve put the words together on my client’s behalf. It can be challenging.’ ‘Is that statue standing outside the court blindfolded because justice is blind?’ ‘No, quite the opposite. The statue originally was Themis, the mother of justice and law in Greek mythology.’ Why did I ask? I could tell Aunt Jean was just warming up. ‘Themis was said to be a Titaness, a giant who worked with Zeus,’ Aunt Jean glanced at me. ‘I’m listening,’ I stifled a yawn. ‘The present-day statue is said to be the goddess, Demeter.’ Aunt Jean’s face lit up, like she’d struck gold and the look on her face was as if Themis and Demeter were about to knock on the front door. 128

‘Will I go on?’ Aunt Jean enquired. I knew the answer was yes, so I nodded. ‘The story has changed over the years and I don’t think it’s quite accurate any more, but many people believe that the scales Demeter carries are about equality before the law. The sword is for those who have the power to make law. The statue became blindfolded in the sixteenth century in England.’ Aunt Jean paused. I tried to look fascinated. I don’t know if Aunt Jean was fooled, but she carried on regardless. ‘The statue represents that the rich and the poor are equal in front of the law.’ I laughed. ‘That’s a joke.’ ‘It might seem like that now, but back then, the judges were corrupt.’ ‘So what’s changed?’ ‘Don’t be naïve, Julie. Our courtrooms are vastly different from the courts of the sixteenth century.’ Aunt Jean took a breath. I thought she was finished talking. I started to get up. Aunt Jean put her hand on my shoulder and sort of held me down. ‘I haven’t finished answering your question.’ It was so long ago, I’d forgotten I’d even asked a question. ‘What question?’ 129

‘Why the statue outside the court is blindfolded!’ Aunt Jean sounded exasperated. ‘Chill out Aunt Jean, don’t bust a boiler.’ Aunt Jean smiled. ‘I know where you got that expression from.’ I blushed. It was one of Dad’s. ‘The blindfold represents justice not seeing those who come before the court as either rich or poor but the same.’ ‘Well I think it’s outlived its use-by date. They should have a statue of a snail these days.’ ‘I’ll put your suggestion before the Law Reform Committee.’ As if! ‘Have your school results come?’ Aunt Jean asked. ‘No. It won’t matter, I’ve chosen my career. I’m going to be the world champion surfer.’ ‘That’s not really a career, Julie.’ ‘Yes it is. The women on the circuit get paid better these days. It will be plenty for me to live and travel on. When I’m world champ, everyone will want me to advertise their gear, so I’ll get heaps. I’ll be richer than you, Aunt Jean.’ I knew what she was going to say before she said it. ‘Julie, what if you don’t become a world champion? What if you got injured and couldn’t surf anymore? You have to think of a back-up plan. I’m sure a lot of 130

the girls on tour would have to do something else to earn money, if they aren’t the ones winning the tournaments, or getting advertising sponsorship.’ ‘You don’t believe I’m going to be the champion, do you?’ Why didn’t Aunt Jean believe in me? She knew how dedicated I was. ‘I’m not saying that, Julie. I do believe it’s what you want to do and I believe with how much you love surfing, you may get there. I’m just being realistic, and I think you better start being a bit more sensible about this.’ I was boiling mad, furious. I wanted to kick the furniture, smash the windows and yell at Aunt Jean. I did none of these things because, contrary to what Aunt Jean thinks, I am sensible. Ask my friends who’s the sensible one. They’ll tell you. Me. I pouted and stared out the window. As far as I was concerned the conversation was over. My lips were sealed. I wasn’t going to say another word for the rest of the evening. I had another year of school to go before I started worrying. Why was Aunt Jean on about it now? You’re meant to forget about school in the holidays. ‘Julie.’ I didn’t answer. ‘Maybe you could combine your love of photography with your surfing. If that is what you chose to do next year, you may become successful at both.’ 131

Aunt Jean was trying to pour oil on troubled waters. Too bad, if she didn’t believe me it was her loss. I hated her. I stayed silent. ‘Julie, don’t ignore me. I’m sorry if I upset you. If you believe in yourself, that’s great. I hope you can achieve it. All I’m saying is that you also have to be practical.’ I pretended I wasn’t listening. ‘You know as well as I do, that you won’t be ready to become the champion the minute school’s over. It will take years of practice and working your way through the ranks. In the meantime you will have to support yourself. How are you going to do that?’ ‘I don’t care.’ Bugger, I’d spoken. ‘Well you ought to care.’ Aunt Jean sounded just like Mum. For a moment I’d caught the cadence of Mum’s voice. I shivered. ‘Are you cold?’ Aunt Jean asked in a concerned voice. Just like Mum’s. ‘I’m going to my room.’ I stood up. ‘Julie. Don’t run away from this conversation. It’s no good avoiding it. Are you worried about your results? Is that what the problem is?’ The problem’s you! I wanted to shout. ‘I don’t care.’ I walked out of the lounge room. I was going to slam my bedroom door louder than I’d ever done before, but didn’t. Aunt Jean would’ve 132

come to my room to tell me off. I didn’t want the disbeliever anywhere near my room. I lay on my bed for ages. Thousands of thoughts rushed about in my head. What if I wasn’t good enough to be world champion? After seeing Kate surf and what Aunt Jean had said, I seriously wondered if I could achieve my dream. After a while there was a light knock at my bedroom door. ‘Julie, I’ve made dinner. Do you want some?’ ‘No thanks, I’m not hungry.’ It was a stupid lie, I was starving. ‘Come on, Julie. It’s not necessary to carry this on.’ Aunt Jean was right. I was more upset than the situation warranted because of the appeal and everything being dragged up again. It had put me in a bad mood. My stomach was rumbling. I needed to eat. I had to give in. I knew these fights went nowhere, but it didn’t stop them from happening. I guess I’m too sensitive. I’ll have to grow a rhinoceros skin. ‘I’ll come out and eat, as long as we don’t talk about my results and stuff.’ ‘Fine, let’s just eat in peace.’ Aunt Jean had made linguini, a salad and garlic bread. It smelt delicious. My mouth started watering. I sat down and immediately served myself a big plateful. We ate in silence. I finished and gathered up both our plates. 133

‘Your Uncle Wayne is coming down to see your father. He’s going to try and get him to drop the appeal.’ I didn’t say anything. What could I say? I just nodded to indicate I’d heard. ‘Apparently Toby wanted to stay on the farm, but Wayne wouldn’t let him stay on his own.’ ‘Why? Did he think he’d do something stupid?’ ‘No. I think it was more to do with him being worried about Toby getting lonely.’ ‘Did Uncle Wayne tell you this last night?’ ‘I rang him today, to tell him what was going on after I’d spoken with Ray Willich. They’re coming down tomorrow, early.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Wayne is going to see your father’s lawyers, before he sees your father.’ ‘Does Uncle Wayne think he’s crazy?’ ‘We’ve never really talked about it. The only thing Wayne has said to me was that your father changed drastically after Vietnam.’ ‘Why didn’t anyone ask Uncle Wayne anything in court? How come he wasn’t a witness?’ ‘I don’t think anyone thought of it. They’d been estranged as brothers for so long, they probably thought Wayne wouldn’t have anything relevant to say.’ 134

‘You were a witness, yet you hardly ever saw Mum and Dad.’ ‘Yes, but your mother used to talk with me, and write letters. I know now that she didn’t really tell me much, but it was enough to be seen as relevant by the prosecution. I knew that there was violence in the relationship. Your mother had told me that much.’ My anger rose at my Mum. It was her fault we were in this situation. I wanted to scream at her for not doing anything about it. I knew it was futile. She never did listen to my anger. I washed up the dinner dishes. Aunt Jean had put the horrible transcript away where I didn’t have to be reminded of it. I knew it would be her bedtime reading and couldn’t understand how she could. It’d give me nightmares. Reliving the court case was worse than hell, I thought. I wasn’t going to do it. I’d run away if they tried to make me go through that again. I went to bed feeling the unhappiest I’d felt in a long time. It took me ages to get to sleep. I was afraid of what the future was going to bring. Was the past going to resurface and scream out from the newspapers once again? I got up and stared out to sea. The fingernail moon was rising. It looked so lonely tonight. Just like me, I thought, staring at the shimmering reflection on the top of the water. I sat there chilled and not caring as I listened to the sea 135

crashing against the rocks. I held my breath when the sea went out and blew it out in time with the crash as the waves hit the rocks. I wished I could just lie down and go to sleep. I knew I couldn’t. I’d just lay there with my eyes open. The cold finally got to me. I’d read somewhere that warm milk helped sleep. I heated a cup in the microwave. Why couldn’t I sleep? All the walking and laughing today had tired me, yet my mind refused to stop racing. How could I get rid of these unwanted thoughts? A flash of intuition came. It was the bloody letter of Dad’s preventing sleep. I should destroy it once and for all. Would I regret it, if I did? I imagined taking it to the viewing platform, above the cliffs. I’d tear it into a hundred pieces and throw it into the swirling sea. Aunt Jean came in to the kitchen. ‘I thought I heard something, what’s up?’ ‘I can’t sleep. It’s . . . it’s Dad’s letter. You know, the one he wrote to Toby and me before the trial.’ Aunt Jean looked away. I’d discussed my quandary about the letter with her before. The night silence surrounded us. It was as if all noises had stopped. I breathed in and out deeply. I wanted to get control. Somehow I needed to break this oppressive stalking of my grey matter. I had to sort this Dad thing out. Otherwise I was at risk of spiraling down. 136

I was already feeling shaky about my dreams. What if Dad killed me? Not physically, but mentally. His lurking shadow darkened a corner of my brain. It was like he wanted something from me. What was it? Surely he couldn’t expect me to forgive him? Did he want my love back? I was scared and thought for the millionth time, why was I born? ‘I wonder if there’s new evidence in Dad’s letter.’ Aunt Jean seemed taken aback. ‘Good heavens, Julie what made you think of that?’ ‘You know the appeal and all that. You said at this stage it was technical, but if there was new evidence, it could be used in a new trial, couldn’t it?’ ‘We’ve never mentioned the letter to anyone. There’s no reason for it to become public knowledge.’ ‘What if it is, though?’ ‘Do you want it to be?’ ‘NO!’ ‘Julie I’d love to be able to ease your worries. Try and rationalise some of your worst fears.’ Aunt Jean looked thoughtful. ‘I want to be able to answer any of your questions, honestly. I don’t want you to be afraid to ask me anything.’ ‘I know Aunt Jean. It’s the bloody letter. What am I going to do?’ ‘Would you like me to read it?’ ‘I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll ask Toby what 137

he thinks when he gets here.’ ‘You don’t have to read it you know.’ ‘I know. It’s just I haven’t been able to throw it away.’ ‘I really don’t know what I’d do in your position. Maybe sleeping on it will give you an answer.’ ‘You mean putting it under my pillow.’ I was horrified. ‘No, I don’t mean literally. I mean sleep on an answer. Something may come in your dreams that will help you solve your dilemma.’ I suddenly felt very tired. I yawned. ‘I think I’ll go back to bed. Goodnight Aunt Jean.’ Aunt Jean kissed me on the forehead. ‘Goodnight Julie.’

138

CHAPTER 9

Friday

I

’d slept through sunrise. The ringing of the doorbell awoke me from a deep sleep. It took a few seconds

to realise the doorbell ringing was real, not part of my dream. I wanted to go back to sleep to find the dreams I’d been having. Why be awake, I thought? What have I got to look forward to? The mood of my previous night was still with me. Things happened with my family, I had no control over. I felt like I was in the middle of the road with a bus coming straight for me in my concrete shoes. I reluctantly made my way to the intercom. ‘Jules, I thought you’d meet me. I’ve been ringing the doorbell for ages.’ Kate sounded slightly annoyed. ‘Sorry. I’ll let you in.’ I opened the door. Kate had her surfboard leaning against the wall. ‘I didn’t think you’d be slack. The surf looks great.’ ‘Sorry. I had a very late night. I’m a bit tired.’ ‘The waves will wake you up. Come on.’ I grabbed my gear, wrote a note for Aunt Jean and set off down the street. The sun had risen and the 139

beginning of the Bondi bustle was evident. There were more people on the beach than usual. I could tell it was going to be a scorcher. The sun’s rays were already powerful. A great skin-cancer-growing day, I thought. The waves were regular and clean. We paddled out beyond the break. ‘Be careful of the reef today,’ I said pointing in the direction. ‘If the sea gets up much more, you’ll end up over there.’ We surfed for about an hour. I was trying to perfect my top turns. It’s a bit like when you re-enter a wave but it’s more trying to gain speed than anything else. I felt I was doing well. There were certain manoeuvres judged in competitions that gave you big points. I knew that the wave you chose to ride was the most critical aspect of scoring. If you blew it by choosing badly, forget it. I used to watch surfers from the beach and wonder why they’d ignore some waves and choose others. Now I knew why. This was one area of my life that constantly improved. I was getting better at wave selection. Even Kate praised some of my choices. I felt an inner excitement. The doubts of yesterday left as soon as I caught my first wave. I felt so strong and powerful and forgot the crap in my life as I skimmed down the face of a wave. It was 140

a place I felt out of my father’s reaches. Dad didn’t know me as the girl in the curl from Bondi. He’d remember me as a sad-faced teenager, who argued with him all the time. Dad doesn’t know me now, I laughed at the sun. ‘Are you all right?’ Kate had paddled up next to me. I felt an idiot. What had I been doing? How long had Kate been there? ‘Oh, I was just so happy to see the sun.’ ‘It sounded like you were a donkey. Hee haw, hee haw.’ ‘Kate. I wasn’t going hee haw.’ ‘It sounded something like that.’ I didn’t say anything. Maybe I was going hee haw. ‘Have you ever thought about surfing in tandem?’ Kate asked. ‘Don’t know much about it. Have you tried?’ ‘A couple of times. I’ve done it standing on friends’ shoulders. It’s tricky. I’m pretty hopeless.’ I looked at Kate. I couldn’t imagine either of us standing on each other’s shoulders. ‘No offence, but I don’t think I could stand up with you on my back.’ ‘No. There are other ways to tandem surf. Have you got a skateboard?’ ‘No.’ 141

‘Has your brother?’ ‘Naturally. Toby’s a boy. I don’t think he took them all with him. I’ll look in his room.’ ‘We could practise on one.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well if we are going to surf in tandem, it’s a good idea to get to know each other’s moves. Practice will make us perfect. A skateboard’s good for that.’ Did I want to tandem surf? What the hell. It was good to learn a new skill. ‘Sounds cool.’ We caught a few more waves. I was impressed to see Kate do a few aerials. I hadn’t tried them yet. I wasn’t sure if, when I lurched into the air, I’d come back down on the wave. I had to build more confidence for those manoeuvres. As the swell dropped, Kate and I rode a slight wave to shore. We lay face down on the sand. ‘Stoked! I’m in heaven,’ Kate sang. ‘I’m pretty exhausted,’ I said closing my eyes. ‘Why? Did you have a late night?’ Kate asked innocently. How would I explain? ‘Couldn’t sleep.’ ‘A bad conscience eh?’ I almost sat up in shock. ‘You know,’ Kate continued, ‘all that Aboriginal 142

stuff yesterday, you know, the engravings, and us imagining the middens and the people who’d created them.’ We both looked to the road where the middens had been buried and destroyed when it was built early last century. ‘I guess because it wasn’t that long ago. It’s as if the spirits are hanging around, waiting for reconciliation.’ I nodded agreement. ‘If it wasn’t for my friend Ruby, I could have stayed ignorant.’ ‘If it wasn’t for my Koori friends, I probably wouldn’t want to know, either.’ ‘A lot of people walked for reconciliation. They said it was one of the largest crowds that ever marched for a cause.’ ‘Whose reconciliation? That’s what I want to know. Our Prime Minister didn’t bother to walk, and he’s supposed to be the leader. What does that say?’ We stared at the sea. It had become flat. A sharkspotting plane flew overhead. I couldn’t answer Kate’s question. I’d talk with Ruby about it. The fact that Kate cared about Aboriginal people made me feel closer to her. Phoebe and Jasmine cared, but they didn’t get fired up or tears in their eyes like Kate. ‘Do you want to come to my place?’ Kate nodded. I could tell she was feeling sad about 143

what we’d been talking about. I wished I could make her feel better. ‘If Toby’s skateboard’s there, we could practise on the roof.’ Kate cheered up. ‘Cool, let’s go.’ I got some breakfast stuff together as Kate made coffee. I’d found Toby’s skateboard. ‘Do you ever go skateboarding?’ Kate asked between mouthfuls of muesli. ‘Not really. It’s more a boy thing.’ ‘Crap. Anyone can do it. Why’s it a boy thing?’ I couldn’t answer, but pictured the crowded skateboard park. Boys outnumbered girls, ten to one. ‘I think it’s a bit too rough or something.’ This didn’t sound a very good reason, but it was the only one I came up with. ‘Crap.’ Kate took her finished bowl to the sink. ‘Think about it. We’re just hassled off, that’s why we don’t bother. You have to be tough to survive in that male zoo.’ I laughed. I used to visit the zoo and watch the animals for hours. It made me sad, seeing unhappy animals. I was asked why I went if it made me cry. I said I took love to the zoo, and would try and explain to the captive animals and birds, why humans did what we did. I shed more tears at the enclosures of 144

the rare and endangered creatures. I wished I could take them all home to their natural habitat. That’s if it was still there! Kate washed the breakfast things while I ran the vacuum cleaner over the carpets. I grabbed Toby’s skateboard and hoped he wouldn’t go off about it or anything. Maybe I wouldn’t tell him. We raced up to the roof. It was hot, the air motionless, the sky hazy. I walked to the edge of the roof. Heat was shimmering off the road. Behind me I could hear Kate do a few running jumps on the skateboard. I turned around to watch. ‘You’re pretty good.’ ‘It’s a bit like surfing, you know the balance thing,’ Kate replied. After a few more twists and turns, Kate jumped off. The skateboard crashed into the wall. ‘Hey don’t wreck it, Toby will kill me.’ ‘Sorry.’ I picked up the board. ‘How are we going to do this?’ ‘Because you’re a fraction taller than me, I reckon you better stand behind me.’ I got on the board first. Kate hopped in front. We both immediately fell off, laughing. We tried really hard several times, but laughter 145

got the better of us. I thought I was going to wet my pants. ‘I have to run downstairs to the toilet.’ I ran off hoping I’d make it. Every time I thought how stupid it must have looked, both of us trying to fit on the skateboard, I’d laugh some more. When I got back to the roof Kate was sitting down. ‘Maybe it’ll only work if I lift you up, or you lift me.’ ‘You’re joking. There’s no way I could lift you up and balance. No way. Forget it.’ This was fast becoming a stupid idea. ‘There must be a way we can practise as if we were on a surfboard. I’ve seen it done.’ ‘There’s not even enough room for us both to squat down. I think it’s not going to work.’ Kate looked thoughtful. ‘We’ll just have to practise on a board in the water then.’ ‘What?’ ‘You heard. We’ll have to do it out there.’ Kate pointed out to sea. ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Don’t be a wimp. Come on, let’s give it a go.’ ‘The water’s as flat as a pancake.’ ‘Not now. Maybe this afternoon?’ I looked out to sea. In the distance were three big 146

tankers heading south. ‘Okay. I’m game.’ Kate grabbed my hand and gave it a peculiar shake. ‘We’ll make a great tandem team.’ ‘Maybe.’ I wasn’t as confident as Kate. ‘It’s too hot up here. Let’s go back downstairs.’ I’d heard the postman’s bike as I exited the roof. I hoped my results weren’t there. That’s all I needed to start the weekend. ‘Are you going back to school?’ I asked Kate as we sat at the bench with a cold drink. ‘Depends on my results.’ ‘How do you think you went?’ ‘Hard to tell. I could have done better. I had a few distractions in the year. School came second, so I did a lot of assignments at the last moment. You know, day before sort of stuff.’ ‘Me too,’ I said gloomily. I dreaded opening my results. I’d have to check the mailbox before Aunt Jean. I was sure the letter was sitting in there today. ‘I want to do archaeology,’ Kate said. ‘Why?’ I’d never met anyone who’d chosen that as a profession. ‘I think I like the past better than the future,’ Kate laughed. 147

‘We’re the problem solvers of the future.’ My past was behind me and I never wanted to dig it up. ‘What about you?’ It was a question I dreaded. I couldn’t exactly say to Kate what I’d said to Aunt Jean about being the world champion surfer as my career. I was afraid Kate would laugh at me. ‘I don’t know if I want to go to uni. Maybe photography or media at the Tech.’ ‘Would you leave school if you’ve failed this year?’ I was stumped. I’d mapped out my career path. I was going to become a professional surfer. Why did I feel too embarrassed to tell Kate the truth? ‘No, I’d repeat. I haven’t really thought about it. I won’t worry about it till I have to.’ ‘My parents expect me to do something they want. I’m not quite sure what that is. They’re in for a big shock when I tell them. I think Mum wants me to do medicine like her.’ ‘I didn’t know that your mother’s a doctor. What’s she like?’ ‘Hardly ever at home. Work’s her life. I don’t know her, much. The older I get, the more like a stranger she becomes.’ Kate took a sip. ‘My dad’s an architect. He works from home. I know him better. He surfs, so we sort of share that, I guess. When Mum’s home, she’s the boss. Really uptight, yells and stuff like that. 148

Nothing’s ever right. Dad and I stay out of her way; go surfing, anything to get out of the house.’ ‘The other day, you said your mother would’ve slapped you down if you’d acted like that little girl on the beach. Did you mean it?’ ‘No. Not really. Mum’s yelling is like being slapped down, believe me. When I was little I was smacked a few times, but not like thrashings or anything.’ I took a deep breath, praying this conversation would go no further. This subject was dangerous territory. Questions about how I was treated by my mum and dad. Was I ready to tell Kate any truth? I felt uncertain, but it’d probably be better for our friendship if I could be honest. I’d only known her a few days. I just wasn’t sure what the best thing to do was. I stayed quiet. The phone rang. I grabbed it. ‘Hi Jules.’ It was Phoebe. ‘Hi. I was going to ring you later.’ ‘What are you up to?’ ‘Kate and I are just sitting talking. What about you?’ ‘Jasmine’s driving me crazy. She’s going on and on about being bored and nothing to do.’ ‘It’s bloody hot. Do you want to come over?’ ‘Cool. One of my cousins is here, can I bring her?’ Phoebe asked. I could tell she was biting her nails by her muffled voice. 149

‘No, of course not, what are ya? You don’t have to ask. Bring her. We could go skateboarding or something.’ ‘Get real. No way. I’m too old to hang around skate parks perving on boys.’ ‘I didn’t mean to perve, I meant to skate.’ ‘Get a life Jules. No way. Maybe we won’t come over,’ Phoebe said sarcastically. ‘No probs, see you soon.’ It was hard sometimes when your friends didn’t want to do what you wanted, but couldn’t think of anything better. In the end we’d do nothing because no one would agree or make a decision. I told Kate that Phoebe and Jasmine were coming over. ‘Cool. I like them.’ ‘That’s one worry off my mind,’ I said dramatically, wiping my brow. ‘How come they’re not into surfing?’ ‘They hate the beach. They’d rather hang in the city.’ ‘All those piercings Jasmine has, she’d leak like a sieve at the beach.’ ‘Some of them aren’t real. They’re screw-ons.’ ‘I used to have some, but I let them close over. Couldn’t be bothered looking the same as everyone else. It was like a competition to see whose face 150

could have the most holes. I’m totally over it.’ Kate stared out the window. ‘I sometimes wear the screw-ons when we go out, so I look normal.’ Kate laughed. ‘I used to be desperate to be one of the crowd. I hung with what my mum called a bad lot. I got into a bit of trouble, so to avoid worse things I concentrated on surfing. It kept Mum off my back.’ I wondered what the trouble had been. I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to share too much with Kate otherwise I’d have to reciprocate with stories of my own. I’d told Phoebe and Jasmine that I’d lied to Kate about my parents. The buzzer rang. I automatically opened the door and waited for my friends to come up the stairs. I felt throbbing in my head and the light at the bottom of the stairs appeared very bright. I hoped I wasn’t getting a headache. ‘Hi Jules. This is Trudy, my cousin.’ Phoebe’s cousin was Vietnamese. I was stuck for words. It was so unexpected. I thought her cousin would look like us. I thought of Dad and some of the things he’d said about the Vietnamese. ‘What’s the matter?’ Phoebe asked. ‘Nothing, sorry. Hi Trudy. Come in.’ I was ashamed my father’s words echoed in my head. 151

‘Phoebe’s uncle has a Vietnamese wife,’ Jasmine whispered to me. I thought of my own Aboriginal cousins I’d found out about. I felt ashamed at my reaction and hoped Trudy hadn’t noticed. Phoebe introduced Trudy to Kate on the balcony. ‘Great view!’ Trudy scanned the panorama. ‘Do you have a Vietnamese name as well as an Anglo one?’ Kate asked Trudy. ‘Yes. I’m named Trung-Nhi. It’s the name of an ancient Vietnamese queen. It’s embarrassing. Great things are expected of me by my Vietnamese family.’ ‘I think you’re lucky,’ Kate said. ‘Your mum must have wanted the best for you to name you Trung-Nhi.’ ‘You know about Trung-Nhi?’ Trudy’s eyes widened in amazement. ‘I also know of her sister, Trung-Toc. You haven’t got a sister have you? Trudy laughed and sat down next to Kate. ‘You’re pretty cool. How come you know about those queens?’ ‘Asian Studies,’ Kate answered. I was envious. Kate knew everything. I wished I’d done Asian Studies. The light was too bright. I had to get inside. ‘Anyone want a drink?’ I asked, feeling slightly dizzy. 152

Everybody did. As I entered the kitchen, I felt chilled. The sink looked far away and I grabbed the bench. The light changed. Shapes changed. I felt like something had hit me in the head. A spectre of Dad’s ghost swirled in front of me. I started to vomit and just made it to the sink. What’s happening to me? I screamed silently. I felt like my head was cracking. I had to lie down. I staggered into my room and fell on the bed. I heard someone calling my name from far away. I couldn’t answer. A firework display was going off in my head. ‘Jules. Are you all right?’ Someone was shaking me. I groaned. ‘What’s the matter?’ A muffled voice whispered. ‘Let’s get a doctor,’ another muffled voice. ‘I’ll ring her aunt.’ Stop the voices. They hurt. Stop the noise. Stop the light. Stop the pain. I woke up with Aunt Jean and a stranger standing over me. ‘Are you awake?’ I stared at Aunt Jean until she came into focus. ‘What happened?’ I finally mouthed. The stranger replied. ‘I’m unsure at this stage. I suggest we do a CAT scan to be on the safe side.’ 153

I tried to gather my thoughts into one neat bundle. CAT scan. Cat? Was there a cat somewhere? What’s going on? ‘What time is it?’ I asked. Aunt Jean looked at the doctor. ‘Four o’clock.’ Four o’clock. My memory was coming back. I’d been getting a drink for everyone. That was in the morning. I’d lost hours. ‘Where are the others?’ ‘Phoebe rang me at about eleven. I came home and you were sound asleep. I rang Dr Troyat who came as soon as she could.’ ‘I didn’t want to rush you to hospital,’ Dr Troyat said. ‘I’d rather just keep an eye on you at home for now. If it’s viral meningitis though, your condition will deteriorate and you’ll have to go to hospital.’ Meningitis! I nearly died of fright at the mention of the virus. ‘What about meningococcal?’ I stumbled. ‘No, not meningococcal. I’m positive about that. You don’t have the symptoms. Tell me was the light a problem?’ ‘Yes. It was too bright and sort of flashing.’ ‘Mmm, suggests viral meningitis. Has this happened before?’ ‘No, not really.’ ‘Not really?’ The doctor arched an eyebrow. 154

‘Well. I’ve sort of sometimes felt like I was going to spin out, lights flashing, but it always goes away. I’ve never had a pain like this before.’ ‘Mmm. I see. Are you under more stress than usual?’ Aunt Jean looked at me. ‘Not really.’ ‘Ahem,’ Aunt Jean butted in. ‘Well it’s not as stressful as you think,’ I said to her. ‘You were a little more stressed than usual last night.’ ‘I went surfing this morning.’ ‘Did you hit your head, or fall on your neck or back?’ the doctor asked. ‘No. I’m too good for that,’ I said, cheekily. ‘I think you’re already getting better. You will need to rest over the next few days. No surfing at this stage. It may well be a stress-related episode and just be a one-off.’ ‘What about partying?’ Aunt Jean asked. ‘Definitely not, all that noise and those stimulating lights, not good.’ The doctor was dismissive. No surfing. How could this be? It was the most peaceful relaxing place for me. I was likely to get more stressed if I didn’t go surfing. The rave, I didn’t give a damn about missing. ‘I’d die if I couldn’t go surfing.’ 155

‘Don’t be ridiculous, young lady. You will not die if you don’t, but you may die if you do. I’ll do the CAT scan Monday. I advise you to rest.’ ‘Thank you doctor. I’ll be back, Jules.’ Aunt Jean walked with the doctor out of my room. I wondered how long they’d been staring at me before I’d woken up. I had a real excuse for not going to the rave. Was this the way my wish had been granted? Aunt Jean returned. ‘Would you like anything?’ ‘I don’t know what happened.’ ‘How are you feeling now?’ ‘Strange. A bit surreal, like not all here or something. I’m glad the curtains are shut. The light really hurts.’ ‘I’ll keep an eye on your temperature.’ ‘It was so scary and painful, Aunt Jean.’ I felt familiar tears well up. ‘I know, darling. Rest and I’m sure you’ll feel better.’ Aunt Jean kissed me lightly and tiptoed out of the room.

156

CHAPTER 10

Friday Evening

I

was slightly aware Aunt Jean had come in to my room a few times. I was too out of it to speak. When

I woke up, I tried desperately to work out why this freaky spin-out happened. My head was like cotton wool, all fluffy thoughts shredding and scattering all over my brain. ‘Jules.’ A soft familiar voice. ‘Toby.’ We hugged and I burst into tears. ‘Don’t cry.’ I noticed tears in Toby’s eyes. ‘Did you hear what happened?’ ‘Freaky. You’re not going to die, are you?’ Toby looked frightened. ‘You know I won’t. The doctor thinks it might be viral meningitis or maybe even something called a stress-related episode!’ Toby sat silently. ‘I lost all this time. I might have been asleep, but it didn’t feel like sleep. It felt like nothing. You know. A black hole.’ My words were an inadequate 157

explanation. ‘You mean death.’ ‘No. I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a big black hole.’ ‘I reckon you died.’ ‘I didn’t die, Toby. I just sort of fainted.’ ‘All right, still sounds spooky though.’ ‘What’s happening out there?’ I indicated the lounge room with my eyes. ‘They’re yakking. They get on all right for strangers.’ ‘How’s the farm?’ ‘The same.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well I know our house isn’t there anymore, but the trees and sheep and dirt look the same.’ I laughed. ‘Ruby said it was bloody hot.’ ‘Too hot! I’d forgotten about the flies. Bloody millions of them hanging around the sheep.’ ‘What’s it like living with Uncle Wayne?’ ‘Cool. He’s nothing like Dad.’ I looked away. ‘A good egg and a bad egg!’ Toby stated. ‘Uncle Wayne told me when he was growing up he was called a bad egg. Dad was the good egg.’ I pondered on this. I wondered what made the good egg go bad. Was the Vietnam War entirely to 158

blame for scrambling Dad? ‘Did you hear there’s an appeal?’ ‘Yeah.’ Dad’s letter floated into my mind. ‘Toby?’ ‘What?’ ‘Remember Mum would have said, “don’t say what”.’ Toby flashed, ‘So what!’ I ignored his anger. ‘I think part of what made this spin-out happen was . . .’ I looked at my top drawer. Toby’s eyes followed. ‘I think Dad’s letter has stressed me to the max. I wanted to tear it up and throw it away, but I just couldn’t.’ Toby looked at me with sad eyes. ‘Why?’ ‘I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it.’ We sat in silence. I stared at the drawer. Toby had his head bowed and his hands clenched. ‘Do you want to read it?’ Toby asked quietly. ‘I don’t know. That’s what tortures me. Aunt Jean said she’d read it.’ ‘What? It’s none of her damn business.’ Toby stood up and walked to the window. He started playing with the curtain. ‘She didn’t mean any harm. It was more like to see if it was suitable.’ ‘Suitable?’ 159

‘Toby, go easy. She thought she could assess.’ ‘Assess?’ ‘Toby. Don’t give me a headache. I’m just saying Aunt Jean meant well. Of course I wouldn’t let her read it. I’m not an idiot.’ ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m sick of it all.’ ‘So am I.’ ‘It’s weird you know. When I’m up there on the farm, it’s too full-on to think about anything. At night I’m so tired, I’m asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I thought I’d have nightmares but I don’t. I must save ’em up for here,’ Toby said wistfully. ‘Daymares,’ I laughed. ‘You’re not wrong. I’d forgotten about the quiet of the bush. The space. No other bugger for miles.’ ‘Yeah, I miss that sometimes.’ ‘Do you miss the sheep?’ ‘I think farming’s cruel, you know that. I don’t miss seeing them suffering, that’s for sure.’ ‘Uncle Wayne’s different.’ ‘You said that in your postcard. How’s he different?’ ‘He likes sheep. He reckons they’re smart. He talks to them. When we go in a paddock, they come up to him. You know how with Dad they’d run, and Dad would yell at Jesse and blame her. With Uncle Wayne it doesn’t happen. Even Susie, his dog, is friends with the sheep.’ 160

‘Jesse was a good sheep dog.’ ‘I know. Dad confused her by yelling. It made her look like she wasn’t a good work dog.’ ‘Poor Jesse.’ Tears welled in my eyes. ‘Don’t start blubbering.’ ‘Don’t be cruel. I can’t help it.’ ‘God Jules, I reckon you’ve cried from Monday to Sunday for two years.’ ‘So what.’ ‘No wonder you get a headspin, you’ve probably dried your brain out with all those tears.’ ‘Thanks for your sympathy.’ I wiped the tears away. ‘You’re hard on me because you’re too scared to cry because of all that stuff, you know, boys don’t cry. At least I don’t hide everything.’ Toby was silent. ‘We do have to decide something about Dad’s letter while you’re here.’ ‘What’ll we do?’ ‘I don’t know. There are two choices. Get rid of it without reading it, or read it.’ ‘I want to read it.’ ‘Toby, you said you never wanted to read it.’ ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ I studied his face. He wasn’t smiling. A frown crept across his forehead. ‘Are you sure?’ 161

‘I just want to get it over and done with. If we destroy it now, when I’m fifty or something, I’ll probably wonder what the bloody thing said.’ ‘I think that’s why I’ve kept it.’ ‘Do you want to read it now?’ I was alarmed. ‘No. Not now. Later.’ ‘How much later?’ ‘I don’t know. I think we need to do it when we’re alone, when Aunt Jean’s out.’ ‘When’s that likely to be?’ ‘Maybe tomorrow sometime. I was meant to go to a rave tomorrow night. The doctor said I couldn’t.’ ‘I bet you’re shattered,’ Toby said grinning. ‘It’s the best news I’ve had.’ We laughed. ‘I was meant to ask if you wanted anything to eat.’ ‘I’m not hungry yet. I still feel a bit sick. You know vomit.’ ‘Are you going to come and say hello to Uncle Wayne, or should he come and see you?’ ‘No. I’ll try and get up. Do you want to hear something else strange that happened today?’ ‘What?’ I struggled to find the words to explain what had happened when I met Trudy. ‘I met this cousin of Phoebe’s.’ ‘That would be strange if she’s like Phoebe.’ 162

‘Toby. The cousin was Vietnamese, well not actually Vietnamese because she was born here.’ ‘So?’ ‘It spun me out.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I think it was all Dad’s shit frightening me. You know how he went on and on about the Vietnamese. Some of the things he said, I guess, stuck in my mind. I felt ashamed.’ ‘There are Vietnamese kids at school.’ ‘I know. I’ve never really made friends with any of them.’ ‘What happened?’ Toby asked. ‘I just sort of stared at her.’ Toby laughed. ‘She must have thought you were an idiot.’ ‘I think I insulted her.’ ‘You didn’t mean to.’ ‘I know. It’s just that it wasn’t long after that I sort of lost reality and vomited and everything.’ ‘How weird.’ ‘I don’t know what to say to her. I feel so embarrassed.’ ‘Avoid her.’ ‘Toby, she’s staying at Phoebe’s.’ ‘Avoid her as well.’ ‘I don’t think that’s the solution. I want to see her 163

again, to check out if the same thing happens. What if every time I meet a Vietnamese person, I spin out?’ Toby laughed. ‘Imagine what would happen if you went to a Vietnamese restaurant.’ Toby collapsed on the floor and kicked his legs, up and down. ‘Stop it,’ I demanded. ‘Don’t tease. It hurts my head.’ ‘I reckon it’s cos of Dad,’ Toby said seriously. ‘You might be right. My reaction was probably because of the terrible things Dad said about all Asians, but particularly Vietnamese people.’ ‘Everything bad is his bloody fault,’ Toby said angrily. ‘Do you talk about it with anyone?’ ‘Uncle Wayne sometimes. A bit with Ruby about the trial and stuff the other day when I saw her. What about you?’ ‘Ruby, my counsellor, Phoebe and Jasmine, and Aunt Jean of course. I think about it every day. If I didn’t have surfing, I’d probably be . . .’ ‘Crazy.’ Toby jumped off the bed. ‘I’m hungry. Are you coming or what?’ ‘In a minute.’ I felt a bit woozy, but I was happy to see Toby. I wanted to get up and get better. I put my legs over the side of the bed. I waited a minute. When I stood up, I was a bit shaky. I held on to the chest of drawers 164

and straightened up. I felt quite weak. It didn’t matter that the doctor said not to surf. At this rate I wouldn’t even make it to the bedroom door. ‘Julie.’ It was Aunt Jean. ‘Are you all right?’ I sat on the bed. ‘A bit woozy.’ ‘Don’t get up. Stay in bed.’ ‘I think I should come and say hello to Uncle Wayne.’ ‘Wayne will understand that you’re not well enough.’ ‘No, I’ll be right. I’m sick of lying here.’ ‘Julie, you have to take it easy.’ ‘I’ll sit quietly. Surely that can’t hurt.’ I glared. ‘I want company, I’m lonely.’ I burst into tears. Aunt Jean came and hugged me. ‘Oh Julie, come on, I’ll get your dressing gown.’ I walked slowly into the lounge room. Uncle Wayne stood up. ‘Hello Julie. Sorry to hear you’re a bit crook.’ He put out his hand for me to shake. I was too weak to offer much grip back. ‘Thanks. I’m feeling a bit better now.’ ‘That’s good.’ I sensed Uncle Wayne was a bit awkward around me. I think he’s scared. I’d been very rude to him when we first met. I was angry at my family for all their secrets and lies. I took it out on him. I was over 165

it now, but I don’t think Wayne realised that I wasn’t going to bite his head off. I wondered if Uncle Wayne had asked Toby the best way to approach me. Toby would say to take no notice of me. I could hear Toby in my head, saying Jules goes mad every month, like clockwork. He used to call me a raving lunatic. I’d agree with him and tell him to keep out of my space or I’d knuckle him. ‘Do you want anything to eat?’ Aunt Jean was fussing about me, tucking my legs in a crocheted blanket. I felt warm and cared for. I was already feeling better and wondered if I could handle a cup of tea. ‘I’d like a cup of tea,’ I said. Toby jumped up. ‘I’ll get it.’ Aunt Jean and I looked at each other in shock. ‘I’m training him,’ Uncle Wayne said as if he’d known what we were thinking. ‘I told him I can’t do all the bloody cooking and cleaning. He has to do his fair share.’ ‘Did he put up a fight?’ I asked. ‘You’re joking.’ Aunt Jean laughed. ‘If only you knew the battles we’ve been through.’ ‘Men find it easier to exploit women than other men,’ Uncle Wayne said, smiling. Aunt Jean and I smirked at each other. At this rate, 166

Wayne would be joining our sisterhood. Toby brought a tray with four cups in. I bowed to him. ‘Why thank you, Toby,’ Aunt Jean said, graciously. ‘That’s all right,’ he mumbled, not looking at me. Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne talked about the farm, the weather and politics. Toby occasionally would say something. I was happy to just sit and listen. Aunt Jean and Wayne agreed on most things. I had expected him to be a bit of a redneck, like most of the men I’d known in the country. I looked at him and thought maybe I could get used to him in time. Uncle Wayne was staying in a hotel on the Parade. ‘Hope you’re better tomorrow,’ Uncle Wayne said to me, as he got up to leave. ‘I hear you’re a great surfer.’ I blushed. ‘I don’t know about great.’ ‘Your brother thinks so.’ ‘Thanks.’ The heat from blushing was making me spin. Aunt Jean walked Wayne out to the front door. ‘Wonder what they’re talking about?’ I said to Toby. He looked guilty and turned away from my gaze. ‘What Toby?’ ‘I dunno.’ ‘Toby, no secrets, remember?’ ‘I don’t know. They might be talking about me.’ 167

‘What about you?’ ‘I don’t want to come back here to live.’ ‘Toby.’ ‘I don’t.’ I knew he was unhappy, but I thought he’d just go back to the farm for the holidays and then come back and go to school. ‘What about me?’ ‘You’re all right. You’ve adapted. I hate it, you know that.’ ‘There are things you like. What about skateboarding?’ ‘I’m building my own ramp, sorta.’ ‘I need time to think about this Toby. I’m too wiped out now.’ ‘I’m doing it Jules. There’s nothing you can say that’ll stop me.’ I didn’t respond. Aunt Jean came back in the room. ‘Did Uncle Wayne say anything to you about Toby not coming back here?’ I demanded. ‘Yes, he did.’ Aunt Jean looked at Toby. ‘It’s what you want, isn’t it?’ Toby nodded. ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’m off to bed. I think you ought to go back to bed now Julie,’ Aunt Jean said diplomatically. I didn’t argue. I stood up. ‘Goodnight,’ I said to 168

them both and went and brushed my teeth. The mirror reflected a pale girl. The eyes were too shiny. The lips cracked. ‘Who’s that girl?’ I asked the mirror and turned away. My bed felt like a little life boat on a rocking sea. I was clinging on while waves of emotion crashed over me. More changes. I had friends, but why was Toby going to leave me? Would he become a stranger? Who would I talk to about Dad, like I did with Toby? I saw loneliness in front of me as I fell asleep.

169

CHAPTER 11

Sat u rd a y

I

could tell by the light through the gap in the curtains that the sun had already been up for

hours. I looked at my clock. It was nine o’clock. I hadn’t woken up this late since I could remember. Not since I’d started surfing that’s for sure. It suddenly dawned on me. I wasn’t allowed to go surfing today. I rolled out of bed and went to my window. I slowly opened the curtains. The light was fine. I didn’t react to it, like yesterday. I’m better I thought. I wobbled my way to the kitchen. Aunt Jean was sitting at the bench. ‘Morning, Julie. Do you feel well enough to be up?’ ‘So far so good.’ ‘Toby’s still in bed. How are you feeling?’ ‘Better. I’m hungry.’ ‘That’s a good sign. Sit down. I’ll get you some breakfast.’ ‘I can get it. I’m not that weak.’ ‘No, no, it’d be better if you take it easy. Enjoy the service while you can,’ Aunt Jean laughed and went to the cupboard for a bowl. 170

‘Has Kate rung?’ ‘Yesterday. I told her you wouldn’t be surfing for a couple of days.’ ‘I feel heaps better.’ ‘Julie.’ ‘I know, I know,’ I said impatiently. ‘I told your friends you wouldn’t be able to go to the rave, either.’ ‘I’m glad.’ ‘I thought you wanted to go?’ ‘Not really. I’m not into all that techno hoompf hoompf.’ ‘Well today you better just stay at home. I think the roof is about your limit.’ ‘I feel really embarrassed.’ I swallowed hard. Some muesli caught in my throat and I started coughing. ‘Are you all right?’ Aunt Jean came over and started rubbing my back. I started breathing properly. ‘What are you embarrassed about?’ Aunt Jean asked softly. ‘The whole spin-out thing. It’s so embarrassing.’ ‘There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You became ill, that’s all.’ ‘But you know it’s sort of weird it’s never happened before.’ ‘Let’s hope it was a one-off.’ 171

‘You’re not wrong.’ ‘We’ll see what the CAT scan says on Monday. Funny isn’t it. Neither of us has been ill, since you came here to live and then at the same time, both of us have to deal with doctors and tests.’ ‘Have you heard about your tests?’ I asked. ‘I’ll get the results some time next week. It’s going to be another hot day, I think.’ ‘If it gets really hot, can I go for a swim?’ ‘I don’t think so Julie. I’m sorry. It’s just better to be safe than sorry.’ ‘What am I going to do?’ ‘Toby’s here.’ ‘He’ll want to go for a swim.’ ‘We’ll see. You just can’t exert yourself too much. You said yourself you don’t want a relapse.’ ‘Let’s not go on about it.’ I was over it. I’d just have to be patient. ‘What are you doing today?’ ‘I’m going into work for a couple of hours.’ ‘Aunt Jean, it’s Saturday. You know, your day off.’ ‘I’m way behind. I just need a few hours without the telephone ringing to catch up.’ ‘It’s your life.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘Well, they go on and on about how people work too much. You know, they don’t have lives because all they do is work.’ 172

‘Julie, I don’t do this regularly.’ ‘You bring work home most days.’ ‘It’s a very demanding profession. There’s so much preparation that often you don’t complete during the day, when you’re already busy. It’s the nature of the beast, I’m afraid.’ ‘See. Everyone has a reason why they work too much.’ ‘Unfortunately I have no choice, or else there wouldn’t be food on the table.’ ‘I’ll find a job.’ ‘What kind of job?’ ‘You know. Waitressing, or something.’ ‘You’re too young, and anyway you’ll have plenty to do when your last year of school commences.’ ‘If I earned money, you wouldn’t have to work so hard.’ ‘Julie, don’t worry about that. I know some students work and go to school, but I think that’s pretty hard. If you don’t have to, then I don’t think you need to.’ ‘I suppose it will be cheaper without Toby eating everything.’ ‘I’m sure you’ll be happier for not having to yell at him for eating all the bananas, or drinking all the milk and putting the empty carton back in the fridge.’ ‘I reckon. I’ll miss having him to fight with though.’ 173

‘Julie.’ ‘I will. You’re not much good to fight with, to be honest Aunt Jean,’ I laughed. ‘I hope you can get through the weekend without feeling the need to fight with Toby.’ ‘I think we’ll manage.’ Toby didn’t emerge from his room until eleven-thirty. I’d been tempted a few times to wake him. Aunt Jean had gone into her office hours ago. I didn’t disturb him, because I was fully aware of the consequences of waking a sleeping tiger snake. Finally, Toby emerged. I was sitting on the balcony reading a surf magazine. ‘What a great sleep.’ Toby stretched. ‘It was long enough. It’s nearly twelve o’clock.’ ‘So?’ ‘I just thought you’d start the days earlier now you’re a farm boy again.’ ‘I usually do. I reckon I’m tired from the long drive and the lack of oxygen in this place.’ ‘You’re getting muscles on your muscles.’ Toby flexed his arms. ‘It’s the work.’ He patted his stomach and inflated his chest. ‘What do you think of my six-pack, eh?’ ‘Impressive.’ ‘Are you going for a swim?’ 174

‘I’m not allowed.’ ‘Oh yeah, the mengie thing, I forgot.’ ‘I wish I could.’ ‘Look at the beach. How many bloody people do you think are on it?’ ‘Thousands.’ ‘See that speck of sand over there?’ Toby pointed towards the beach. ‘That’s mine. Keep your eye on it.’ I laughed. ‘If you got up early, you could have had much more beach to yourself.’ ‘How’s the surfing going?’ ‘Great. I love it more than ever. I hope I can show you some new moves I’ve learnt.’ ‘It’s a real bummer you can’t come.’ ‘You’re telling me.’ ‘Where’s Aunt Jean?’ ‘Work. Can you believe it?’ ‘Bloody workaholic. I’m getting some breakfast.’ Toby went inside. I sat staring at the beach. There wasn’t much of a swell, but enough for there to be action for some surfers. I wondered what it would look like, if all the people who were on the sand went into the water at the same time. I tried to envisage it. The beach empty except for all the towels and paraphernalia of the crowd. ‘I’m going for a swim,’ Toby said from the lounge room. 175

I thought of Dad’s letter. I wondered if we ought to read it today. ‘Toby?’ ‘What?’ ‘What about the letter? When do you want to read it?’ Silence. I waited. ‘I’ll think about it after my swim.’ ‘All right. It’s just Aunt Jean’s out, and it might be our only chance this weekend.’ ‘When I get back, okay.’ I watched Toby walk down the street, carrying his boogie board. I saw him reach the spot he’d picked out from the balcony. I laughed. He waved. I waved back. I was absorbed reading about Bali surfers when I heard the front door close. ‘That was great,’ Toby said, drying his hair. ‘I saw you got your spot.’ ‘Did you see me wave?’ I laughed. ‘Yes, did you see me?’ ‘Only just. I’m starving.’ ‘You only had breakfast an hour ago.’ ‘I reckon the sea air makes me hungry. I’m going to make a sandwich. Do you want one?’ ‘I couldn’t waste this opportunity. I’ll have tomato, 176

cheese, onion, lettuce and mayonnaise.’ ‘Is there any meat?’ ‘Probably. Look in the fridge.’ Toby brought out the sandwiches and a pot of tea. ‘You’re becoming quite civilised, aren’t you?’ ‘I even do my own washing.’ ‘Toby, that’s great.’ ‘You think so. It sucks.’ ‘Who do you expect to do your washing?’ ‘You. I’m thinking about posting it to you every week,’ Toby laughed. ‘In your dreams.’ We ate in silence, watching the antics on the beach. The surf patrol boat hovered around Ben Buckler. The wind was picking up and the swell was becoming higher and more regular. There were more people surfing. I wondered if Kate would go surfing by herself. I was surprised my friends hadn’t rung to check if I was all right. Maybe they were embarrassed about my spin-out. Weren’t they curious to know if I was alive? Did they care? I felt a pang of loneliness. ‘Where’s the letter?’ Toby enquired, quietly. ‘In my top drawer. Are you sure you want to do this now?’ ‘Not really, but like you said, Aunt Jean’s out. It might be our only chance.’ I didn’t want to think of the underlying message 177

that Toby was going after the weekend. ‘I’ve been in this dilemma for months. Will I, won’t I? I guess it’s scary, you know. I mean Dad wrote it to us when he was in hospital.’ ‘I know.’ ‘Maybe we need more time to think about it.’ ‘You’ve been thinking about it for months.’ ‘I just want us to be sure that’s all. It’ll probably upset us. I guess that’s why I keep delaying it. It might wreck our lives, even more.’ ‘That’s true.’ Toby looked thoughtful. ‘I hadn’t thought of that. I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to read it now.’ ‘Toby.’ ‘It’ll only be crap. You might spin out again.’ ‘God no, let’s not read it. Maybe I’ll destroy it, once and for all.’ ‘Dunno about going that far, we might regret it, later.’ ‘I suppose you’re right. Toby, do you ever think of revenge?’ ‘You mean kill Dad?’ ‘No. Don’t be stupid. That makes you the same as him.’ ‘I’m never going to be the same as him.’ ‘I know you’re not, but do you think of revenge?’ I persisted. 178

‘You bet. Sometimes when I’m out fixing a fence or something, I imagine when I’m driving in a nail that it’s Dad.’ ‘Wow.’ ‘Do you do that?’ ‘Not really. I put him on trial for murdering Jesse, because no one is ever going to make him pay for that.’ ‘What do you do to him?’ Toby asked. ‘Nothing much. He goes to jail, that’s all. I don’t imagine any more than that. I try not to think about him. Sometimes he just comes into my head for no reason.’ ‘That happens to me. I’ll be drenching a sheep and sometimes it’s like the sheep’s eyes become Dad’s.’ ‘Weird.’ ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ ‘It’s mad thoughts because of crazy things. You’re no crazier than me.’ ‘Help! Oh no,’ Toby grabbed his head. ‘What’s wrong? Are you all right? Toby, don’t spin out on me.’ ‘As crazy as you. As crazy as a girl,’ Toby shrieked and pretended he was going to throw himself off the balcony. ‘Toby shut up. I take it back, you’re a nut.’ ‘Takes one to know one.’ 179

‘I’ll ring Aunt Jean and see how long she’ll be out. If we’re going to read it, I want to do it round the rocks. Not here.’ ‘Round Ben Buckler somewhere?’ ‘Yeah, at our grotto.’ ‘Cool.’ I picked up the phone and dialled Aunt Jean’s office. ‘Aunt Jean must have left. There was no answer.’ As I finished saying it, Aunt Jean called from the hallway. ‘Out here on the balcony,’ I answered. Toby and I looked at each other. ‘I’ll ask,’ I whispered.

180

CHAPTER 12

Sat u rd a y E ve n i n g

U

ncle Wayne invited us all out for dinner. Aunt Jean asked me if I felt well enough to go. I had

no hint of a headache. The light seemed normal, but I felt a little light headed and spaced out. At least I didn’t feel nauseous anymore. ‘It’s only for dinner. I’ll be fine. It will be cool to go out.’ I knew it would help my recuperation to get out from these four walls and my closed-in thoughts. ‘Any time you feel unwell, you’ll tell me, won’t you?’ ‘Believe you me, you’ll know. I’ll have a shower and get ready.’ I felt steady on my feet for the first time. We were meeting Uncle Wayne outside the restaurant. Normally it would have been hard to get a booking for a Saturday evening. Aunt Jean had known the owner most of her life so it was no problem for them to find a table for us when Aunt Jean had rung to make the reservation. The three of us walked along the promenade. It was 181

busy around the pavilion. All kinds of people sat on the grass, picnics spread out in front of many of them. The night was balmy and there was a slight cooling sea breeze. Some people were still in the water. The last of the daylight was disappearing fast in the west. Streetlights emitted halos of glimmering light. Hundreds of insects flew around and around the glow, as if caught in a vortex. In the car park, several surfers hung around the back of a panel van, sharing cans of beer. I hadn’t rung Kate or Phoebe and Jasmine. I wished I’d told Kate the truth about my family. It would have been so much simpler. I’d once heard that to be a good liar, you had to have a good memory. I think it was a politician who said it. I hadn’t been asked to elaborate on the car accident, yet. I knew at some time questions would come. They always did. So far it was a simple lie I was used to telling. I couldn’t be tripped up with some inconsistency. The thought of embellishing the lie, or admitting it was one, bothered me endlessly. Was it very wrong to lie in the first place? How do you answer your own questions, satisfactorily? ‘A penny for your thoughts,’ Aunt Jean said. ‘What? Right, yeah.’ I hoped Aunt Jean couldn’t read my mind, like she sometimes did. 182

We walked up the path to the top of the slight hill. Traffic was constant. Not everyone had their headlights on and I nearly stepped out in front of a fourwheel drive I hadn’t seen. Toby grabbed my arm. ‘Turn your lights on,’ I shouted, waving my fist. We eventually made it across the road safely. The cafés along the Parade were doing a roaring trade. Some people hung around, chatting in their bathers. Others were dressed up for a night out. I pretended I was on a film set with all the extras waiting for their scenes, and I had the lead role. The restaurant was crowded and noisy. We made our way through the throng, to our table. Aunt Jean became entangled in a big bosomy embrace. ‘Jean. Your family. Benissimo.’ Carla, the owner, beamed at us. ‘This is my sister’s brother-in-law, Wayne.’ Aunt Jean indicated Wayne. Carla grabbed him and kissed both cheeks. ‘Benvenuto.’ Uncle Wayne seemed overwhelmed and I couldn’t hear what he mumbled. ‘Bambini.’ Carla turned her attention to Toby and me. ‘Bella Julia. You grow beautiful like your madre. Toby, regazzo!’ Carla hugged us both. I was embarrassed, but pleased as well. 183

Carla shouted out orders and sat us at our table. ‘Gee, it’s pretty chaotic in here,’ Uncle Wayne said, looking around. ‘It’s always like this on a Saturday night. Aunt Jean looked around, waving at a couple of people at other tables. I looked at the menu. My mouth watered at the thought of all the delicious food. Another sign I was getting better. I felt like my appetite had returned, in a big way. Uncle Wayne asked Aunt Jean for her suggestion from the menu. ‘I imagine you don’t get fresh seafood often, so I’d recommend pesce del giorno.’ ‘You’re not wrong there.’ Uncle Wayne closed the menu. ‘Pes whatever sounds fine by me.’ I saw him wink at Toby. ‘Carla is a superb cook.’ ‘Is she the cook?’ Uncle Wayne turned and eyed the kitchen. ‘Only for special people,’ I butted in, smiling at Aunt Jean. If he and Toby could exchange glances, so could we. ‘I eat river fish and eels, occasionally. I ate fish every day when I was on the boats up the north of Australia.’ 184

Eels. Yuck, I thought. Dad used to catch them sometimes, but I refused to eat them. I glanced at Toby. Had he eaten eel lately? I wondered if when we stopped living together, the absence would make us become strangers. Would we know each other in ten years, like we do now? ‘Why are you looking at me? What have I done?’ Toby asked me. ‘Nothing. Sorry. I wasn’t really looking at you.’ ‘You were staring at me.’ Toby gave me a look, implying I was crazy. ‘Sorry.’ Our meals arrived. Carla busily supervised placement of the dishes on our table. It was like a banquet. We each had a whole fish on our plates. The first time I’d been served a whole fish, I’d freaked out at its staring eyes. I couldn’t eat it unless they cut it up and hid the eyes. I wasn’t so bad now. I could eat a whole fish. I’d put lemon slices over the eyes, so I could eat without being stared at. ‘Mangiare; enjoy.’ ‘Grazie.’ Aunt Jean held Carla’s hands. ‘Molto bene.’ ‘This smells fantastic.’ Uncle Wayne closed his eyes and inhaled steam, arising from the fish. I hurriedly looked around to see if anyone was watching. 185

‘The fish is divine.’ Aunt Jean held a piece up on her fork. ‘It melts in the mouth.’ ‘It’s bloody fresh, I can tell that,’ Uncle Wayne said between mouthfuls. The voices at the table blended with the hum of the other patrons. A waiter appeared with a bottle of wine, compliments of Carla. I wondered if Uncle Wayne turned nasty like Dad? Any sign, I was out of there. I hadn’t asked Toby about Uncle Wayne and alcohol. I tried to attract his attention. Toby was too busy eating to notice. I’d have to ask him later. When we’d finished eating, the table looked like a tornado had passed by. I helped Aunt Jean stack the dishes, and straighten the table out. Our waiter removed the plates, chatting to Aunt Jean in Italian about his family. As far as I could make out from snippets of similar-sounding words, they were absolutely fabulous. The noise level in the restaurant rose several decibels. The clanging of cutlery jangled my nerves. I tried to blot it out, and felt a slight ache in my right temple. I glanced at a table nearby. They were celebrating a birthday and everyone at the table was smiling and laughing. I felt happy for their happiness. We were asked to join in the birthday singing when the cake was wheeled out. The refrain commenced with a hesitant start, but quickly grew to a crescendo. The happy birthday song was belted out 186

with much gusto, not least by Toby and Uncle Wayne. My head still had a dull ache, so I sang rather softly, and watched all the other customers, singing to a perfect stranger’s happiness. The birthday girl sat the whole time with her face in her hands. I wasn’t sure if she was dying from embarrassment or what? When the singing stopped she was crying. The others at her table hugged her, while a queue formed of other patrons, to wish her well. I didn’t join in but I felt good. The ache had gone. The atmosphere in the restaurant had changed from a hectic pace, to an air of congeniality. Everything had slowed down. It felt like we were at one big table and that we were all long-time friends. I wondered how often this happened in restaurants? The right crowd, the right night, the right atmosphere, and boom, instant party. A guitarist appeared from the kitchen. I was surprised to see it was our waiter, strumming like a professional. The music was soothing and rippled through my senses. I closed my eyes and imagined I was somewhere sunny and green. Huge trees towered over me and all kinds of creatures played and danced in the sunbeams. ‘Puccini,’ Aunt Jean whispered to me. I didn’t know what she was saying. It sounded Italian. 187

‘Pardon?’ ‘Puccini.’ ‘Oh.’ I went back to watching the guitarist’s hands. It looked so easy, but I knew it was quite difficult. It was like surfing. To be good, you had to practise heaps. The music stopped and cheers erupted, followed by prolonged clapping. ‘I didn’t know all this came with the meal,’ Uncle Wayne said. ‘What’s the GST on entertainment?’ We all laughed. ‘It’s not always like this,’ Aunt Jean assured him. I might have my next birthday here, I secretively thought. We ordered dessert. The restaurant had returned to a more businesslike atmosphere, as different people left and new ones replaced them hurriedly, at the barely cleared tables. Carla came up to our table. ‘Would you like a sliver of birthday cake? The birthday girl wants my favourite customers to each have a piece.’ ‘We’d be honoured, thank you and thank her.’ Aunt Jean nodded in the direction of the birthday table. ‘I made the cake from a very old family recipe.’ Carla clapped her hands together. ‘Iced lemon curd 188

cake. The lemons come from my own tree, the cream from a cousin with a small dairy herd at Dural. If I don’t sound too immodest, it’s more than delicious.’ ‘Sounds heavenly,’ Aunt Jean responded, patting Carla’s hand. ‘I’ll have it wrapped. Don’t forget to ask for it before you leave.’ Carla gave us all a huge smile. ‘Here’s your dessert. Enjoy.’ I already felt quite full, but ate it all anyway. Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne had a coffee and a special liqueur. They’d drunk two bottles of wine. Toby and I had looked at each other when they’d ordered the second bottle. Toby’s eyes said ‘Here we go again. Run.’ We didn’t. I guess we weren’t scared enough to feel we had to take off. Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne laughed at each other’s stories. They seemed to be getting on really well. Toby and I exchanged glances. ‘I’m stuffed,’ Toby said holding his belly. ‘I’ve overdone it,’ I groaned. ‘Aunt Jean, I need air.’ ‘Right, you and Toby go out and wait.’ Toby stood up. I suddenly wanted to get out of there fast. I felt hemmed in and I couldn’t breathe. I waved a thank you to Carla and fled out the front door. ‘Are you all right?’ Toby asked. ‘I just needed air.’ 189

‘You call this air?’ I didn’t have the strength to debate. The Parade seemed busier than before. There was more hooting of car horns than previously. Eventually, Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne appeared. We walked along in pairs towards Uncle Wayne’s hotel. We said our goodbyes and crossed the road. The path was well lit and we headed past the pavilion. ‘Do you want to walk on the beach?’ Aunt Jean asked. ‘Cool.’ I looked towards the rolling surf. There were a few people on the beach, having parties, or writhing in the sand like snakes. Some were in the water. Everyone sounded loud and drunk. I wondered if any of them would stupidly drown, or be taken by a night-feeding shark. We walked along the water edge. I took off my shoes. The water felt as warm as the night air. The moon wandered across the sky, as if looking for a friend. The glow from the street lights made an orange haze in the black sky. ‘Look,’ I shouted, ‘stars!’ In the far-off distance of the horizon I could see weak twinkling stars above. I couldn’t make out any constellations, just these far-off lone stars, following the moon. I started humming the old star song of my mother’s. Aunt Jean and Toby joined in. We linked 190

arms and even got a little dance routine happening as we made our way along the beach. The flat was several degrees cooler than the outside air. I shivered at the sudden change in temperature. There were lots of messages on the answering machine. My friends had rung, enquiring about my health. I’d definitely ring everyone tomorrow. I felt a million times better. In fact, I felt great. ‘I hope tonight hasn’t worn you out too much, Julie. I didn’t expect to be out this late,’ Aunt Jean said as she put our birthday cake in the fridge. ‘It was great. I’m tired though. I think I’ll sleep like a log tonight.’ ‘It was a good night. Did you enjoy yourself Toby?’ ‘I’d forgotten how good restaurant food tastes.’ ‘I’m going straight to bed,’ I yawned. ‘Me too,’ Toby said. ‘Goodnight, sleep well,’ Aunt Jean said to us both. ‘Oh, before I go Aunt Jean, I nearly forgot. Toby and I want to go for a walk tomorrow. If I handled a crowded restaurant, I think a little walk around the rocks won’t kill me.’ ‘I think that’ll be fine.’ ‘Thanks, Aunt Jean. See you tomorrow.’ I walked over and kissed her lightly on the cheek. ‘Goodnight dear. Pleasant dreams.’

191

The moonlight streamed in my window. I looked at the sea. I could make out the little whitecaps riding the waves. The night sky was cloudless. I slipped under the duvet into bed. Sleep came slowly. My mind had once again turned to the letter in the top drawer. I wondered if Toby would back out again, or if he really did want to read it. I still couldn’t make up my mind. Oh well, no point worrying about it now. I asked my mind to think about something I liked, something good. I wanted to keep the happy feeling I’d had by going out. Doing something a bit different cheered me up. I could hear the music from the guitar in my head. I tried to capture a consistent tune. I’d have to find out more about this Puccini. I fell asleep to lyrical notes floating out into the distance, while the sea monotonously eroded the rocks around me.

192

CHAPTER 13

Sunday

I

was surprised to see Toby sitting at the kitchen bench. I had slept in again, way past my usual

surfing hour. I’d woken at dawn to look out at a perfect swell breaking over Bondi. There was nothing I could do but go back to bed. I must have fallen straight back to sleep, because I was shocked when I’d awoken and saw my clock said eight-thirty. ‘I didn’t expect to see you up.’ Toby looked up. ‘The bloody traffic woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep.’ ‘It’s quieter than usual.’ ‘I’m not used to it.’ ‘You haven’t been away from here that long.’ ‘It feels like forever. The sea’s so noisy too, banging on with crash, boom, crash the whole time.’ ‘I love the sound of the sea.’ ‘You can have it. I can’t wait to get back to the farm.’ Toby stared into the distance. ‘I worry we’ll grow apart with you living up there,’ I said softly. ‘We are anyway.’ 193

‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well, I guess it’s like we’re changing.’ I said nothing. What could I say? I knew it was true. We were growing up, fast. What seemed a small age difference, was growing into an ever-widening gap. I know I didn’t share as much personal stuff with Toby as I used to. There was nothing we could do, to prevent drifting further apart. It wasn’t just the physical distance but an emotional one. Toby was letting go of me. Uncle Wayne was becoming the one he was now turning to. My stomach flip-flopped at his imminent departure. ‘I never thought you wanted to be a farmer.’ ‘Me either. It was only when I went back that I knew it’s where I wanted to live. You know more than half of it’s ours Jules.’ ‘I thought you’d never want to live back there.’ I tried to picture myself at the shearing shed, but couldn’t. I felt distaste for the dust and red dirt. ‘I couldn’t do it.’ Toby said nothing. I knew he was struggling for words. I understood that. It happens to me when I can’t describe my feelings. ‘I know it’s hard Toby. Whatever we want to do, it’s going to be hard. I just want you to be happy. I worry you’ll get lonely and become like a tortoise and hide in your shell.’ 194

‘Don’t be stupid. I’m cool, I really am. No bull,’ Toby smiled. ‘You worry too much.’ ‘Do you think?’ ‘I sure do Jules. Sometimes I worry about how much you worry.’ We laughed. Aunt Jean came in, a newspaper tucked under her arm. ‘I heard you two laughing in here.’ I hadn’t realised Aunt Jean had been on the balcony all this time. I wondered if she’d heard us. I looked at Toby and I knew the same thought crossed his mind. ‘It’s a beautiful day,’ Aunt Jean said. ‘Don’t tell me,’ I said, grabbing my breakfast things and heading for the balcony. The swell was up and there were perfect waves rolling in. Trust my luck. I stared at the ocean. The surf was the best I’d seen it all week and the waves were crowded. The beach was filling up rapidly with day trippers. Aunt Jean came back out with a cup in her hand. ‘I love it when the sky is this colour, so blue.’ Aunt Jean stared up. ‘It’s hard to describe blue, isn’t it?’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t begin to try.’ ‘I know. Sometimes I want to say the sky is perfectly blue, but it can be so many shades of blue. You know 195

like light blue, dark blue whatever.’ ‘What about sapphire blue?’ ‘That sounds ridiculous,’ I laughed. ‘Who ever heard anyone say that?’ ‘What about cornflower blue?’ ‘Stop it.’ Aunt Jean sipped her coffee and opened the newspaper. I hoped that she wouldn’t read anything that would set her off. Sometimes she became so angry with an article she’d start arguing with me, as if I’d written it. I tried to glimpse which section she was reading. It was the letters to the editor page. The sky is blue, the sea is green, I said to myself. I looked at the sky. Blue. I looked at the sea. It was an entirely different blue. The phone rang. I looked at Aunt Jean, who gave me the same look back. Neither of us moved. It stopped ringing. ‘Toby must have answered it,’ I said. ‘Jules, it’s for you,’ Toby yelled out. ‘Who is it?’ ‘Dunno, didn’t ask.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘Hi Jules, how are you?’ It was Kate. ‘Much better, thanks.’ I felt shy and embarrassed. ‘I sort of spun right out.’ ‘Total, it was so weird. It scared the pants off us, I can tell you. What happened?’ 196

‘I don’t really know. The doctor said maybe meningitis or something.’ ‘You poor thing, one minute you were with us, next you were lying on your bed like Linda Blair out of The Exorcist. Have you seen that old movie?’ ‘Kate!’ I felt upset. Why did she have to make fun of me? ‘Sorry Jules. I’m exaggerating.’ ‘I feel so embarrassed.’ I’d seen the movie and the rotating head and projectile vomit flashed before my eyes. Did I really look like that? ‘Don’t be. It could happen to anyone, but fingers crossed it never happens to me.’ Kate was the most insensitive person I’d ever known and I felt like hanging up the phone. I didn’t say anything. ‘Jules. Are you there? Jules, don’t give me the silent treatment.’ ‘Sometimes, Kate, you say some pretty off things.’ ‘I’m sorry. I was only trying to make a joke. I thought it would make you feel better, but once again, wrong. I’m sorry Jules. I guess I was pretty freaked by it. I was so glad when your aunt got there. We all were.’ ‘How do you think I felt? It freaked me right out. It’s never happened before and I don’t ever want it to happen again.’ I paused. ‘I can’t remember much 197

except the light hurting and feeling really sick suddenly when I was at the sink. The next thing I woke up and the doctor and Aunt Jean were there.’ ‘You looked like death warmed up.’ ‘Thanks a lot.’ I didn’t like this conversation. I suddenly wondered if I had been dead for those lost hours, like Toby had said. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling better, Jules.’ ‘Enough about me, already, I thought you’d be out surfing. It looks perfect from here.’ ‘I went earlier. It got so damned crowded, so fast. Everyone dropped in on everyone. It was so aggro. I got out of there. That’s not what surfing is for me, if you know what I mean.’ ‘I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had a few scary moments with total losers on the weekends. Too much testosterone for me. It doesn’t feel safe.’ ‘It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced such a negative vibe, surfing. Lucky at first light, I scored a few good rides. I’d been there a couple of hours before that scene arrived.’ ‘It’s the worst thing. Can you believe I’m not allowed to go surfing.’ ‘When do you think you’ll be allowed to?’ ‘Not sure. I’m having a CAT scan tomorrow.’ ‘Whoa, that sounds heavy.’ ‘It’s painless. You go into this sort of machine thing 198

like on a conveyor belt into a closed-in tunnel, where they take millions of images of your brain.’ ‘It’s the tunnel thing that freaks me out.’ ‘It’s just to make sure it’s not a tumour or bleeding in the brain.’ ‘Do you feel it’s bad?’ ‘I don’t know. I’m a bit frightened about it all, but there’s nothing I can do, so . . .’ ‘I’ll keep my fingers crossed and send good vibes. I’m lonely surfing without you.’ I blushed, and was glad Kate couldn’t see me. ‘Lonely?’ ‘Yeah, a bit, I guess. I miss your funny face as you zoom by.’ ‘Yeah, well I miss seeing how big you open your mouth screaming as you trim along.’ Kate laughed. ‘I’m going to take a photo of you to show you what I mean.’ ‘Yeah, well I’m going to get one of you, looking . . . well, it’s so hard to describe as I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life.’ We both laughed. ‘My brother Toby’s here.’ ‘Was that him who answered the phone?’ ‘Yeah. How was the rave?’ ‘Awesome. It was wicked. I danced my legs off. The music was totally tomorrow. We had a great time.’ I felt a pang of jealousy. A gulf with my friends 199

opened up. I could never describe a rave as awesome. Boring would be the word I’d use. What was wrong with me? ‘I’m glad you had a good time,’ I said without meaning it. ‘Did Trudy go?’ ‘No she’s like you, not into it.’ ‘Really?’ ‘It’s a pity you missed it. Phoebe and Jasmine said it was the best they’d been to in ages. We’re going again next week. Hope you’ll be well enough to come.’ ‘Maybe.’ No way! ‘When can I come round? It seems ages since I’ve seen you.’ I didn’t want to tell Kate about my walk with Toby in case she asked to come. I put her off. ‘Probably tomorrow. I’m feeling a lot better, but I still have to stay quiet. I’ll ring you after my scan.’ ‘Cool. Take it easy. I might ring and see if Phoebe and Jasmine want to come over here. Catch you later.’ I hung up. Was Kate stealing my friends? Toby was lying on the couch reading one of my surfing magazines. ‘What time do you want to go for the walk?’ I asked. ‘I mean, that’s if you haven’t changed your mind.’ 200

‘I haven’t changed my mind.’ ‘I thought we could take the letter and make a decision about reading it at the grotto.’ ‘Whatever.’ ‘We should take some food and stuff.’ ‘Whatever.’ ‘Do you want to go soon?’ ‘When you’re ready.’ ‘You make the sandwiches, and I’ll get the rest together.’ For a moment I thought Toby was going to tell me where to go. Instead he stood up reluctantly. ‘Aunt Jean. Toby and I are making some lunch to take on our walk.’ ‘Are you going soon?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You’re not going for a swim are you?’ ‘No. Only a walk around the rocks.’ ‘What’s the tide doing?’ ‘It was at its peak about half an hour ago.’ ‘Good. Don’t do anything foolish.’ ‘Aunt Jean, I’m not a kid.’ God I get exasperated by Aunt Jean’s attitude sometimes. ‘Sorry, of course you’re not.’ ‘Maybe I get my worry gene from you.’ I frowned. I knew Mum had that gene. It looked hopeless. Destined to worry. 201

‘I hope you’re not cursed with that particular idiosyncrasy,’ Aunt Jean said light-heartedly. ‘I am, I know I am. I worry about nothing. You know like about Toby being lonely and haunted going back there. Yet I can see he’s happier than he’s been for a long time, but I still worry.’ ‘I know, Julie. It’s because you love him and want what’s best for him and probably feel responsible to look after him, to some extent. You were thrown into a parent role from an early age.’ ‘I know. I worry if I’m not there, something dreadful will happen to him.’ ‘It’s natural Julie to feel that way after what you’ve been through. I can see Toby wants to be more independent. He’s surviving all the upheaval in his life differently. You have your surfing. That seems to be your medicine.’ ‘What do you mean medicine?’ ‘The thing that helps you heal. You’ve both come a long way in a year. You say yourself you’ve never seen Toby happier, and if I can say, without you biting my head off . . .’ Aunt Jean looked at me tentatively. ‘You seem a lot happier too.’ I knew I couldn’t argue because Aunt Jean was right. Particularly after the court case had finished. It was a great weight off my shoulders. I even felt like my surfing improved leaps and bounds when I 202

thought all that horror was behind me. ‘I worry about the appeal. What if they decide Dad’s innocent like he claims?’ ‘Julie, try not to worry about that. As I said, at this stage it is arguing technicalities. It could easily go no further.’ ‘But what if it does?’ ‘It’s too nice a day to be worrying about something you can’t control. It gets you nowhere. Forget it Julie, and enjoy your walk, and spending time with Toby, while you can.’ I held back the tears. ‘What about the CAT scan and your lumps? How can I not worry about that?’ ‘Julie, really you’re doing it to yourself. Let it go. Enjoy what’s in the present.’ I turned away before I said something about the real reason Toby and I were going for a walk. Another thing I seemed powerless to stop worrying about. I hoped Dad’s letter wasn’t more evidence we’d have to give to the prosecutor. Worrying was really tiring. I had to stop myself somehow. It’s one of those things easy to say, but very hard to do. ‘I’ll see if Toby’s finished making lunch.’ I walked off counting the steps to distract my mind. Toby was cutting the sandwiches in half. I found the thermos and put the kettle on for tea. 203

‘You know what Uncle Wayne did yesterday?’ Toby asked me. ‘No idea.’ ‘He went and visited Dad.’ ‘You’re joking.’ ‘No. He told me in the restaurant.’ ‘What did you say?’ ‘I told him I didn’t want to know. He didn’t say anything else.’ ‘I wish I’d known. I would have said something to him.’ ‘He’s going again today.’ ‘What?’ ‘I heard him tell Aunt Jean.’ I raced out to the balcony. ‘Toby just told me Uncle Wayne’s visiting Dad.’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ Aunt Jean replied. ‘Why?’ ‘I guess it’s because your dad’s his older brother, and Wayne is his closest family.’ ‘Does he think he’s innocent? If he does I’ll never talk to him again and I don’t think Toby should go and live with him.’ I stamped my foot and crossed my arms. ‘I don’t think Wayne thinks your father is innocent as such.’ ‘What do you mean, as such?’ 204

‘I think Wayne believes something about your father’s mental state and his war experiences contributing to his behaviour, but I know he thinks your father was insane to do what he did. I’m sure part of you does too, Julie.’ ‘That’s it. He’s not welcome here again.’ ‘Oh Julie,’ Aunt Jean sighed. ‘I’m not saying he thinks your father is innocent. He feels sorry for him. I guess it’s about compassion.’ ‘What about Mum, Jonathon and Jennifer?’ I shouted accusingly. ‘Calm down. You’re upset over a misunderstanding. Sit down. Come on Julie, please.’ I sat reluctantly. I kept my arms crossed and glared out to sea. Toby came out. ‘What’s going on? Are you two fighting?’ ‘No Julie’s upset about Wayne visiting your father.’ ‘He’s his brother.’ ‘So you think it’s all right too, do you?’ I turned on Toby. ‘Of course I don’t. I won’t talk to him about it, you know that. It’s just Dad’s his brother, that’s all.’ I thought of the story Ruby had told me about her cousin and how no one would visit him and that was part of the punishment for what he’d done. ‘Dad should rot,’ I said angrily. ‘No one should visit him.’ 205

Aunt Jean and Toby said nothing. ‘Uncle Wayne’s a traitor.’ ‘No he’s not,’ Toby answered angrily. ‘He’s not. He feels sorry for Dad and the mess he’s made. That’s why he visits him.’ Toby looked to Aunt Jean for support. ‘Julie, Wayne is as horrified as the rest of us at what your father has done. I think it shows Wayne is a good man to be compassionate towards his brother.’ Aunt Jean tried to reason with me. ‘I’d visit you,’ Toby said. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ ‘I would.’ I was getting nowhere. They were ganging up on me. ‘You knew that was part of the reason that Wayne came down,’ Aunt Jean said softly, touching my arm. ‘I know. I just didn’t think about it, that’s all. Has the kettle boiled?’ I didn’t want to hear anymore. My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn’t grasp what I wanted to say. ‘I made the tea,’ Toby said quietly. ‘I’ll get the rest of my stuff.’ I walked away. ‘I don’t want to go for a walk if you’re going to be in a bad mood,’ Toby shouted at my back. ‘I’m not in a bad mood.’ 206

‘I don’t want to talk about Uncle Wayne, either.’ ‘Fine. We won’t talk. We’ll just walk.’ Toby looked unsure. ‘I mean it.’ I felt that excluded feeling I’d felt when I’d first heard about what my father had done. Adults whispered all around us. Back then, Toby and I were united in feeling like adults closed doors in our faces. No one would tell what was going on, as if we didn’t know. Now Toby, Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne were doing it to me. I hadn’t even been consulted about Toby not coming back to live. It was like I was the last to know. How fair is that? I hit the walls as I walked along to my bedroom, being careful not to hurt myself. I yanked open my top drawer. The letter sat there. Why did it look so innocent? I guess because it was only words on paper. But what would those words say? A lump grew in my throat. I didn’t have to read it. No one was making me. I sat down, my legs shaking a bit. Don’t spin out, I yelled silently at myself. Stay cool. I breathed slowly and deeply. Gradually I felt my heart return to a normal beat. ‘Jules, what’s up? Are you all right?’ ‘Yeah, fine. I just got sidetracked.’ I grabbed the letter out of the drawer and pushed it into my back pocket and walked slowly to the kitchen. 207

‘I’m carrying the drinks.’ Toby offered me a daypack. I was grateful it was quite light. Aunt Jean came to the front door to wave us off. ‘Don’t know what time we’ll be home,’ I said. ‘Before dark, I hope. It’s nearly twelve now.’ Where had the morning gone? I was amazed. ‘We’ll be back long before dark. We’ve only packed lunch,’ Toby said. The furrows on Aunt Jean’s forehead seemed to be getting deeper. I knew from her look that she wanted to say something like, don’t do anything foolish. Her eyes met mine. ‘We’ll be careful.’ The look she gave me was apologetic. ‘I know. I trust you both to be sensible. It’s just that people have been swept off the rocks before, even on seemingly calm days.’ ‘Black Friday. Da dad a de dum.’ I hummed the tune to The Death March. Toby joined in. We walked down the stairs as if we were in a funeral procession. Aunt Jean laughed from the top of the stairs. ‘Have a good time.’ I stopped humming when we reached the outside of the building. We started walking down the hill. ‘Doesn’t that bug the crap out of you?’ Toby huffed. ‘What.’ I looked around for the annoyance. 208

‘The way Aunt Jean treats us like kids.’ ‘I know. I go her about it all the time. Now she’s hassling me about my school results and what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.’ ‘One more time and, well . . .’ I looked at Toby expectantly. He said nothing. ‘Well?’ ‘I dunno. Something.’ ‘Something like what?’ ‘I said I dunno, didn’t I?’ ‘You must have been thinking of something.’ ‘Not really. You know you sometimes say like if that happens again, I’ll, I’ll . . . but you never really know what you’ll do. Do you get me?’ ‘I suppose I do. I was just wondering if you were going to say something violent.’ ‘What makes you think that?’ ‘A hunch. Worldly experience. I’m not having a go or anything Toby. I was just thinking, you know, sometimes like if someone does something bad to me, I say I’ll kill them. It doesn’t mean I really would, could or want to, but it’s an expression, you know. I don’t mean it.’ ‘Dad said it enough and he meant it.’ ‘I don’t want to talk about that. I’m talking about how funny language is.’ ‘I don’t get it.’ 209

We walked in silence for a short distance. ‘When you said if Aunt Jean said it again you’d well, and then stopped. I . . .’ ‘Not that again.’ ‘Toby I’m trying to explain something.’ Toby raised his eyes to the sky. ‘I thought you were going to say something like I’ll punch her or something.’ ‘I don’t say things like that.’ I stopped walking and looked at Toby. It was like I was seeing him for the first time. ‘Toby, I didn’t mean you were violent or anything.’ Toby didn’t answer. ‘Toby!’ I had to walk faster to keep up. ‘Toby, I was talking about you know how we use violent language even though we consider ourselves not to be violent.’ ‘Pacificists, you mean.’ ‘Sort of, but the word’s pacifist.’ ‘Whatever.’ ‘At the beach the other day, Kate said her mother would slap her down if she cried for nothing. I asked her if her mother would slap her really. She said no, it was just a figure of speech.’ ‘What are you on about now?’ ‘Don’t you understand a word of what I’m saying?’ ‘Not one single word and I sure don’t know why you want to talk about violence.’ 210

‘I don’t want to talk about violence.’ ‘Sure sounds like it.’ ‘Toby, don’t you get my point about how funny language is?’ ‘I had no idea that’s what you were talking about.’ Toby truly sounded exasperated. ‘Jules, why do you always come up with these stupid questions?’ ‘I don’t. Forget it.’ I was fuming at how I’d forgotten I couldn’t have this sort of conversation with Toby. Boys could be so stupid sometimes. I felt like I was talking to a picket fence. I wanted to explain myself, but there was no point. I gave up and walked in silence. I became aware of the letter in my back pocket. I felt nervous. Butterflies flew around in my stomach. My mouth was dry. I still wasn’t sure what we’d do with the letter when we reached the grotto. It may still end up in a thousand unread pieces floating out to sea. Toby and I waded through the children’s ocean pool. ‘You know this mural is partly the Aboriginal story of how the sea was made.’ Toby looked at the mosaic more intently. ‘Look, single-cell life to now.’ I pointed out the amoeba shapes. ‘It’s about how there’s always earth, air and sea.’ 211

‘But not necessarily people,’ Toby laughed. We walked towards the headland. The sun was relentless. I was glad I had a long-sleeved shirt and my hat on. The sea breeze cooled me down, but I could feel the warmth of the sun emanating from the dry rocks. The misunderstanding of earlier had evaporated as I studied various rock shapes, shells and crabs. We came to the tidal rock pool. It was quite full, but the tide was receding. ‘Do you think it’s safe to go this way, or should we go back over the top?’ Toby studied the rocks and the sea. Spumes sprayed us from the waves crashing against the rocks. I could feel the pull of the receding water as it whirled around my ankles, splashing my knees. ‘Is it safe? No sharks are going to grab our legs, or octopus or something. Barracuda!’ Toby jumped up, closer to the rocks. ‘Don’t be an idiot.’ I laughed at Toby’s irrational fears. Big Rock sat impassively in the swirling tide, accessible only to the birds. This rock never ceased to amaze and puzzle me. It was so out of place in the landscape. There was not another like it for miles. I wondered if some time in the future it would be gone, returning to its original home. Wherever that was, 212

no one really knew. There was a lot of speculation. If any one theory was right, there’d still be someone to argue the toss. I wished the two fibreglass mermaids, that had previously sat on the rock had been able to sustain the constant battering of the sea and still be there. One mermaid washed away in the seventies. The other was removed a couple of years later, because of storm damage. I imagined them basking on the rock in the day, and slipping off into the sea to eat, once the sun was down. What did mermaids eat? Surely not fish! That would be like cannibalism. Maybe they only ate sea grasses and weeds. Maybe even anemones. ‘I wish the mermaids were still there.’ We gazed at the rock and the birds circling above. ‘If mermaids are girls from the sea, what are boys called?’ Toby asked. ‘Mermen, I think.’ Toby laughed. ‘Mermen? Sure.’ ‘Aunt Jean used the word in Scrabble, once.’ ‘Must be true.’ ‘Can you imagine the wave that washed that rock up?’ We stared out to sea, as if we half expected a reenactment. We scrambled around the cliff edge. The tide was too high to risk wading in submerged alcoves. The rip 213

here was strong enough to drag an elephant out. ‘What’ll we do?’ ‘We’ll have to wait a little while. The tide’s going out.’ I took the pack off and sat against the rock. ‘I’m hungry.’ ‘Toby, we’ve hardly left the flat.’ ‘I’m growing. I need food otherwise my legs ache.’ ‘Crap.’ ‘It’s true.’ ‘If you say so but I’m not hungry and I’m growing. I’m thirsty.’ ‘It’s about the centre of gravity being different with boys and girls.’ I looked at him astounded. Centre of gravity? What was he talking about? I’d never heard of the centre of gravity theory. ‘Where did you hear that?’ ‘Phys Ed.’ ‘Are you telling the truth?’ ‘Of course I am. I couldn’t make something like that up.’ ‘I suppose not. I’ve never ever heard that before.’ ‘You didn’t do Phys Ed when we changed schools. Remember Mr . . . Mr . . .’ ‘Chambers?’ ‘Yeah that’s him.’ 214

‘I’m going to ask my Health teacher when I go back to school.’ ‘You do that.’ ‘I will.’ ‘Anyway I didn’t say you had to eat. I’ll just have half a sandwich, a banana and a muesli bar to keep me going,’ Toby said as he undid his pack. ‘You’re unreal.’ ‘What?’ It was good natured. A month ago we’d be having a full-scale argument by now. I wondered if a month’s distance did this, what would a whole year do? I glanced sideways at Toby eating. ‘Look at that.’ I looked to where he pointed. A silver whiting hung on the end of a fishing line being reeled in. The fish wriggled and squirmed, before it was brought down on to the rock. ‘That’s what we ought to be doing,’ Toby said. ‘I couldn’t.’ ‘Why not? I didn’t think you’d be scared of the waves.’ ‘No, don’t be stupid. It’s killing the fish. I couldn’t do it.’ ‘You really have become citified.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Back home we have to kill for food. It’s just normal 215

bush stuff. You used to eat the rabbit or roo Dad killed.’ It was true. I’d even learnt to shoot rabbits when I was younger. ‘I guess I’ve just been gone from the country so long, I’ve forgotten you know. Anyway if you remember, I couldn’t kill anything after I got to about eleven.’ ‘Don’t remember.’ ‘It was because I found that rabbit with myxomatosis next to the dam.’ ‘What rabbit?’ ‘It wasn’t much more than a kitten, but I had to kill it because it was really suffering. I couldn’t do it.’ I flashed back to me standing at the dam with a rock, trying to put the little bunny out of its misery. Its big eyes so sad, saying, please help me, just do it. I shut the vision down. It still made me feel bad. ‘What do you mean you couldn’t do it?’ ‘Well I did in the end, but it took me ages and the bunny suffered while I stood there frozen.’ ‘Sheesh, you’ve never told me that before.’ ‘I haven’t thought about it in a long time.’ We stared out to sea together. I thought about the farm and how it had been my home for over fourteen years. I used to hide away a lot at my old place. It wasn’t like I could just walk out of the house and go 216

to a friend’s place, or down the street or anything. I had to stay at home because everywhere else was too far away. Toby and I used to get away from the house and our mother and father fighting, as much as possible. We especially avoided Dad, because he’d always blame us if things went wrong. It was harder for Toby because Dad would make him work with him a lot of the time. Looking back, I’d been scared for most of my life. Even when Dad wasn’t home, we all lived in fear of his return. ‘You know, Toby, living at Aunt Jean’s is the first time in my whole life I’ve lived without being sorry I was born.’ Toby looked at me with understanding. I continued on. ‘It’s amazing because if you live like we did, you think it’s normal and how you feel is normal.’ Toby nodded his head. ‘I know what you mean. One time Uncle Wayne started crying.’ ‘God, crying?’ ‘Shocked the hell out of me. I mean, he’s a man.’ ‘What did you do?’ ‘I just stared at him. I didn’t have a clue what to do. I felt like I was going to burst out as well.’ Toby looked sad. ‘Did you?’ 217

‘Yeah, but I didn’t know what I was crying about. Uncle Wayne sounded so sad, you know like a dog howling.’ ‘Did he tell you why?’ ‘Yeah. You’re not going to believe what he said.’ ‘What?’ ‘Uncle Wayne said he was crying because every time he spoke to me, I’d cringe like a kicked dog.’ ‘Holy shit, that’s pretty heavy.’ ‘I know. I was completely blown away. I didn’t even know I did it.’ ‘That’s from Dad always yelling at you.’ ‘I know. Uncle Wayne said that’s what made him so sad.’ ‘Wow. Uncle Wayne seems so different to Dad.’ ‘You wouldn’t believe how different. Did you notice that I cringed?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I think it happened more with men’s voices.’ ‘Have you stopped?’ ‘I try not to do it. When Uncle Wayne asks me to do something, I say rightio like normal.’ ‘I’m not scared of coming home from school anymore. I don’t hate the weekends.’ ‘I don’t feel so stupid anymore.’ Toby burst into tears. I went and put my arms around him. At first his 218

pride resisted, but then he let go and sobbed quietly. ‘We’re getting better, Toby,’ I whispered. Toby’s muffled voice answered. ‘I know, I know.’ We held each other for a long time, sobbing softly into each other. The tide receded enough for us to safely get to the grotto. It was well hidden, and if we hadn’t accidentally come across it one day, we’d never have known it was there. Most day trippers didn’t see the small cave hidden by rocks. ‘This is so cool.’ Toby lay back against a smooth rock. I lay down against another rock and stared into the endless blue space. The sun glared at me. I pulled my hat over my eyes. I was glad Toby seemed cheerier. I knew a good cry helped, sometimes. ‘Geoff wants me to join the surf club.’ I wanted to talk about anything except our family. ‘Will you?’ ‘I don’t think so. I’ve entered a competition in a few weeks.’ ‘That’s serious.’ ‘I told you I’m going to be the world champion.’ ‘Go for it sis.’ I closed my eyes and imagined myself skimming a wave, gliding across the roll. 219

‘It’s my dream, Toby. Have you got one?’ ‘Not really.’ Toby looked away. ‘I wish I wasn’t scared of sharks. Maybe I could have surfed too.’ Toby smiled at me. ‘I don’t know yet if I want to be a rock star or King of Australia. I don’t think about it much.’ ‘I think my surfing dream is a bit more realistic than King of Australia.’ ‘Maybe. I don’t really know. Maybe I just want to be a farmer.’ ‘You don’t have to know what you want to do, now. You’ve got plenty of time to make up your mind.’ ‘Like I said, I’m not worried,’ Toby grinned. ‘Are you going to go back to our old high school?’ ‘No way. I couldn’t do it. I’d hate all those morons whispering behind my back, wanting to fight me. It’d be worse than death by a thousand cuts.’ Toby took a deep breath. ‘No way am I going to give them the pleasure of being the freak in their circus.’ Toby stared out to sea, the grin gone. ‘I’m going to do distance ed.’ ‘What about friends? Won’t you get lonely?’ ‘I’ve got friends. Remember Rick and Ben?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I’ve caught up with them and they’ve come out a couple of times. I reckon I’ll see more of Ruby and her mob now.’ ‘How come you hadn’t contacted Ruby?’ ‘Dunno.’ Toby blushed and looked away. 220

I remembered the crush he’d had on Ruby. I thought he’d given it up when he found out we were sort of cousins. I guess he hasn’t lost the attraction by the look of his tomato-red cheeks. ‘Well at least you’ve broken the ice.’ ‘Jules, can you marry your cousin?’ I nearly fell over. ‘It happens. Think of the royal family and the aristocracy, they’re all cousins and married and stuff. I think you’re not meant to marry like really close blood, like first cousin or maybe even second. Why?’ As if I didn’t know where Toby’s sudden interest in bloodlines, came from. ‘No reason.’ ‘Ruby’s not a blood cousin, you know.’ ‘Who said anything about her?’ ‘I was just trying to make it crystal clear for you.’ ‘It’s nothing to do with her.’ Toby looked away. ‘You know Toby, if I hadn’t come here to live, there’s no way I would ever have dreamed of being a surfer.’ I let him off the hook. ‘It’s weird isn’t it? If you were back at the farm . . .’ Toby stopped. ‘I can’t imagine that now.’ I swallowed hard. ‘You know I love it here now, better than back there. Do you think it’s bad to say that?’ ‘Not if you mean it.’ 221

‘I feel guilty sometimes.’ I looked down at my toes and wriggled them. ‘Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.’ ‘It’s like sometimes I nearly forget what Mum looks like.’ Toby remained silent. ‘Does that happen to you, Toby?’ ‘I don’t know. The hardest thing I guess is sometimes I think I’m going to see Jon or Jen come flying around the corner on their bikes. When I look there’s nothing there.’ ‘I’d find it so hard being there. You’re very brave to deal with it in your face like that. I couldn’t handle it. I’d spend all the time crying. Monday, Tuesday . . .’ Toby put his hand up. ‘I get it. Are you ever going to come back?’ ‘One day. Never to live, I’m not ready. Ruby asks me sometimes.’ ‘I want you to visit and see the house we’re building.’ ‘I will one day, just not yet.’ ‘I think it’s normal to start forgetting what people look like once they’ve died.’ ‘Where did you hear that?’ ‘Uncle Wayne told me.’ ‘I wonder what Mum thinks of us if she’s somewhere out there.’ I sat up and stared at the horizon. 222

‘I think she’d be happy if we were.’ ‘You’re right. That’s what Mum would want.’ I smiled. I’m going to try really, really hard to be a happy person.’ ‘I’m going to try and make this my laughing year instead of the usual crying twenty-four seven.’ ‘Starting from this nano second.’ Toby stood up and put a stupid smile on his face. I tried to smile, but Dad’s letter came into my mind. ‘Sorry, but I think we have to delay happiness a bit longer.’ ‘What?’ ‘What about this bloody letter?’ ‘Why’d you think of that?’ ‘It’s burning a hole in my pocket, that’s why. You try and be happy carrying this.’ I handed it to Toby. He stared at the envelope as if he’d never seen it before. Dad had written our names on the front, but no address. On the back there was a childlike drawing on the seal. It had the classic S.W.A.L.K. Whenever I’d turned it over, I felt disgust. How could he seal it with a loving kiss? It was too much. Toby ripped it open. ‘Toby.’ 223

‘I want to know what he says.’ ‘I’ll have half a sandwich.’ I needed nourishment to give me strength. I ate in silence. Toby was content to watch the fishermen and wait while I ate. ‘He caught an eel,’ Toby exclaimed. I looked. From a distance it looked like a squirming snake. The fisherman unhooked it on the rocks. It thrashed around, obviously unhappy with its fate. He threw it back in the ocean. ‘He’ll catch it again,’ Toby said. Toby didn’t seem to be in any hurry either, to read the letter, now that he’d torn it open. I looked around the cave. Other people had been here. There were empty beer cans and bottles wedged between the cracks in the rocks and lying back from where the tide could reach them. Toby found syringes stuffed in the wall. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share our grotto. I just didn’t like the disrespect others showed. I mean how hard was it to take your rubbish away? I felt sorry for those who didn’t know any better, and didn’t see the filth they left behind. ‘I hate broken glass,’ I said, picking up the neck of a bottle and putting it in a rubbish bag I’d brought. I always took one when I walked around the rocks. Otherwise I’d despair at the pollution that was so 224

deadly to fish and birds. It was one of my earliest lessons when I came to live on the coast. I found a cormorant strangled by a plastic bag. It also had fishing line embedded in its beak. I knew the impact of garbage on the sea world. Those creatures I shared my love with. As I picked up numerous bits, numerous times, I hoped I’d find a treasure amongst the rubbish. Not just plastic lighters, broken glass, bottle tops, polystyrene bits and disposable nappies. I was still searching. We were perched on smooth rocks. It was a comfortable seat. I felt thousands of years of people sitting here, staring out at the horizon, watching for any hint of change in the weather, by how the birds acted and the clouds formed. The people who’d made this seat were now gone, and would never be able to return to their resting places. Toby had stopped watching the fisherman. He’d placed the letter under a rock. ‘I don’t care anymore. I DON’T CARE !’ I shouted to the waves. Toby looked startled. ‘I just sometimes wonder, who am I? Am I more like Mum or Dad? Am I like either of them? What hope have I got?’ Toby didn’t respond to my shouting. He stared into the distance. 225

‘Aunt Jean says she believes in free will,’ I continued. ‘People all through their lives make choices about right and wrong, good and bad. Aunt Jean reckons kids at eight know the difference. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it’s that simple sometimes, I mean we had no choice about what happened to us. It just happened.’ ‘It blows my mind, no comprehendo. I’m only fourteen, I’m not meant to think much. I get a sore head if I try.’ Toby held his head dramatically. ‘You’re nearly fifteen, and you’ve got to start thinking about all of this, sometime Toby.’ ‘Who says? I’m leaving the thinking to those who want to. I just want to live in the present. Uncle Wayne says if you live in the past, you drag a load behind you.’ ‘Bloody Uncle Wayne seems to know everything.’ ‘You wouldn’t believe how much he knows.’ ‘If he and Aunt Jean got together we wouldn’t need any reference books.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Between them they probably know everything.’ ‘No. I mean what did you say about Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne getting together?’ ‘I was joking Toby. It won’t happen, believe you me.’ ‘It would be worse than cousins marrying, I reckon.’ ‘Relax. It won’t happen.’ 226

‘I hope not. It would be a nightmare.’ ‘Trust me. It won’t happen,’ I said with finality. ‘You strain your brain on things there’s no answers to. Then what happens? A major spin-out. A fuse blown in the brain. Doesn’t that tell you something?’ Toby said accusingly. ‘I guess that’s what makes us different. I try to find answers to the things that happened in the past. You know, why, why, why?’ I was determined to not get angry at Toby. ‘There’s no answer. It happened, that’s all.’ ‘Don’t worry. I don’t spend all my time asking myself dumb questions. This appeal stuff has got to me. I can’t get Dad out of my mind. It’s like he’s following me around. It’s too much sometimes.’ ‘I don’t give a stuff about Dad!’ Toby scrunched up the already-crumpled letter. I thought he was going to chuck it in the sea. We looked at each other. ‘The time has come, the walrus said.’ Toby stared at me blankly. ‘Don’t you remember that poem Mum used to tell us when we were little?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘About the walrus and the carpenter tricking the oysters to come for a walk.’ Toby laughed. ‘I sort of remember. Isn’t there some227

thing about cabbages and kings?’ ‘That’s it. I remember Mum saying it off by heart. I wonder how many times she’d recited it. I know I used to ask for it over and over again.’ ‘It was pretty long wasn’t it?’ Memories overwhelmed me. I could see my mother sitting on the edge of my bed, reciting a poem. For the first time in a long time, I heard her voice. Tears flooded my eyes. ‘We ought to read this bloody letter,’ I said pulling myself together and wiping away the tears. ‘Do you want to read it out loud?’ ‘No. How about you?’ Toby replied. ‘I’ll try.’ Toby handed me the letter. ‘Why did he do it?’ I started crying again. The sea roared. The landscape became blurry through my tear-filled eyes. I held my breath. I couldn’t see the crowded beach, just this hazy mixture of sand and sea. I’ll never understand my parents. I’ll never know them, ever. They’ve gone from me and I’m not even seventeen. I’ll never know why their love turned to hatred for each other. ‘Are you going to read it?’ Tears ran down Toby’s face. My voice shook as I began. Dad’s handwriting swirled in front of me as if it was moving. I focused 228

my vision and the words appeared clearly. Dear Julie and Toby, I stopped and swallowed hard. Toby looked at the ground. I noticed a teardrop fall. I forced myself to continue. What have I done? I don’t expect you to understand when I can’t explain my actions to myself. I know they’re saying I’ve done the worst thing possible. I don’t believe what they say, and I don’t know if I did it or not. ‘Here we go.’ Toby sounded disgusted. I looked at Toby and continued to read. I hope you kids will understand one day, that it wasn’t me that destroyed my family. It was lots of things, although I know, especially you Julie, won’t want me to make excuses. I don’t want it to sound like I’m saying nothing’s my fault but if the truth be known I’m not entirely to blame for things going wrong. I changed after being in the Vietnam War. I know I drank too much, and I should have gone to another doctor who wouldn’t just keep giving me more pills. ‘Here he goes again, blaming something else. It’s never his fault, always something to blame.’ Toby spoke angrily. I felt the same as Toby. I bravely read on. That terrible day, I was out moving the sheep. I came back to the house for lunch. It all goes a bit blank from there. I try hard to remember what happened next, but 229

nothing. It’s like amnesia. The cops asked me if I remembered seeing the packed suitcases they’d seen at the burnt house. I told them I only recalled being punched in the face by that mongrel cop, Cooper. I had no idea why he’d hit me. Then I noticed the house was burning. I screamed for your mum, but she didn’t answer. It looked as if there were tear stains on this section of the letter. Were they real? I called and called. Cooper hit me again a few times and the next thing I’m in the hospital. When I woke up I thought I was there because of Cooper. I nearly went off when he came in to question me. I asked him where your mum was, and he nearly hit me again. I always knew something was going on between those two. That’s bloody proof as far as I’m concerned. I was gutted when he told me about the deaths. I thought I’ll get the bastards who did this. I know stuff and I’ve got enemies. Cooper told me the cops thought it was me. I thought he was mad. The doctor came and gave me something to calm me down. Next thing I was charged for something I don’t remember doing. I’d never hurt your mum badly, you know that you kids. ‘What a liar!’ Toby said, looking grim. I sighed. Toby wasn’t wrong. I felt anger rising, but it hadn’t got to the quivering stage, so I made myself read on. 230

I know they’ll brainwash me into believing I did it. They’ve already charged me with all sorts of bloody things. Name, rank, serial number is all they’ll get out of me. If I ever get my memory back, I might remember what really happened. Maybe someone hit me over the head. The police weren’t interested when I told them this is what must have happened because of shit I knew. Toby and I looked at each other astonished. I was speechless. ‘I can’t believe him,’ Toby muttered between clenched teeth. ‘He’s totally off the planet.’ I couldn’t even contemplate if there was any truth in it. I’d sat through the evidence which all pointed to Dad being totally guilty. ‘What crap’s he going to come up with next?’ ‘He’s unbelievable.’ Toby shook his head. I read on. I’ve lost the most precious thing to me, my family. I know because I was sick from the past that sometimes you kids got it a bit rough, but I know you’re tough. You’ve got to be. Don’t let anyone walk over you. ‘How dare he try and give us advice!’ I was so angry. ‘He’s a total loser.’ ‘Will I read the rest?’ ‘Finish it,’ Toby said angrily. I know when your mum miscarried those times, she blamed me. 231

I knew before I was born Mum had miscarried twice. Mum had said I was a miracle child. I knew it was the Agent Orange sprayed all over us in Vietnam. You wouldn’t believe how much the Yanks dumped on the forests. Your mum wasn’t the only soldier’s wife to miscarry. We were lucky in other ways, because some of my mate’s kids were born with defects. It happened to heaps of blokes that came back and started families. The bloody government didn’t want to hear, told us to piss off and forget it. No one would listen. Some blokes are still trying to fight for some sort of compensation, and good on them. I don’t know if you kids remember how sick I got. Spewed me guts up every morning for years. Nightmares every bloody night. I felt crook all the time. That’s why the damn doctor gave me so many bloody pills. I know I never talked to you about my time in Vietnam. I couldn’t because it was the worst hell I’d been in my whole life. I was at Long Har-Phuoc when it was hit hard. Drinking made me forget Vietnam. Unconsciousness stopped the nightmares. I’m haunted by that war. ‘I don’t know if I want to read any more.’ I put the letter down. ‘I wish he’d get to the bloody facts,’ Toby said grimfaced. ‘I knew it was a bad idea reading it. I wish I’d 232

chucked it to the never-never, last year.’ ‘How much more is there?’ I looked at the unread lines. ‘About a page.’ ‘He’s gone on, but what’s he actually said?’ Toby had a pained look on his face. I knew I’d feel remorse if I threw it away now. It would remain unfinished. I’d forever wonder what the rest had said. I want to tell you what happened when I got back from Vietnam. I was spat on, in the street of bloody Sydney. I fought the war for this country. I was sent to protect this country from communism. It was a big lie, Vietnam never threatened bloody Australia. Most of them had never heard of the bloody place. They thought we were all Yanks with big pockets of dollars. ‘Why’s he going on about this?’ I felt exasperated and looked to the sky as if it held an answer. Clouds spread towards Maroubra. ‘I want the rest of my sandwiches, reading this is sapping all my strength.’ ‘Listening to his bull is sending me totally ga-ga. I may as well throw myself off the cliff.’ Toby stood up. ‘DON’T SAY THAT!’ Toby jumped in fright at my loud voice. ‘I was only joking.’ ‘It’s no laughing matter.’ I unwrapped the rest of my sandwich and bit into it, savagely. ‘I didn’t mean it.’ 233

‘Don’t joke about it around me.’ ‘I won’t joke about it anywhere.’ ‘I mean it.’ ‘Do you think Dad’s going to say anything about the farm? Is he only going to go on about the . . . ff . . . stupid war?’ Toby asked. I knew Toby deliberately stopped himself swearing. I wouldn’t have thought less of him. I felt like saying all the *!#*~! words I knew. ‘How long ago was that bloody war?’ Toby spoke with his mouth full. ‘Over thirty years ago.’ ‘Why’s he telling us about it now?’ ‘I don’t know.’ Memories came flooding back from childhood. Dad screaming and shouting in the night. I remembered getting up and staring, open mouthed. Mum and Dad would be at the kitchen table. Mum would be putting damp cloths on Dad’s face. If Mum saw me she would tell me to go back to bed. I’d stand in the doorway watching Dad’s chattering teeth. I couldn’t understand why he was cold, yet hot. I know when Dad started drinking more and more, the screaming stopped. I wondered if Toby remembered the same things as me. ‘Do you remember Dad going to the doctor heaps?’ Toby nodded. ‘Well when I’d ask Mum what was wrong, she’d 234

always say it was the tablets not agreeing with him. Mum said it’d get better but it never did.’ I poured us a cup of tea from the thermos. ‘Mum sure got that wrong,’ Toby sighed. ‘It’s strange. The letter was written before the trial.’ ‘They didn’t ask him anything, did they? His lawyer was the only one who said anything about why Dad did what he did. Dad never spoke.’ Toby and I looked at each other. ‘They call it post-traumatic stress syndrome,’ I said. Toby had a puzzled expression on his face. ‘It’s like he had a double dose of it. His internal trauma about Vietnam and now his trauma about killing most of his family, it’s sort of like he’s in permanent shock.’ ‘So he’s crazy.’ ‘Mad as a cut snake.’ I looked down at the letter. The writing was all fuzzy. I slowly focused on the words. Julie when your mum became pregnant with you, I couldn’t pray hard enough. When you were born it was like a miracle. I thought my luck had turned. Then when the rest of them came along I thought I was cured. How wrong was I, kids? Tears came into my eyes. I could hardly read. My voice quaked. I know I’ve been a bad father to you. I didn’t want to 235

be. I wanted to give you all the things I didn’t have. The both of you. Toby my son, how could I not bring you up right? To be a good man. I’m sorry for the things I did to you. I didn’t know any better. It was like my dad raised me. When I went into the army, Dad was so proud. He didn’t tell me anything about the horror. Dad made out it was the right thing to do for our country. He’d done it and believed the world was a better place because of it. They were welcomed back as heroes. That was a different kind of war to ours. It was necessary. Ours was politics. They should have welcomed us back, not spat and thrown oranges. By the time the bloody government or RSL offered any help, a lot of us were too far gone and too full of hatred to take their lousy platitudes. I know you probably think I’m making excuses, but I really didn’t know what I was doing on that terrible day. I want you both to believe that there is no way I could have done it, unless I was totally out of my mind on those bloody drugs the doctor kept giving me. Toby threw some rocks towards the ocean. ‘When is he going to take responsibility? All these reasons don’t mean a rat’s arse to me. He abused us all the time. Why’s he making up this crap?’ ‘He believes it,’ I said incredulously. I scanned the ocean for life. A bird. Anything. There was deadness inside me. I expected something different. Not excuses. I thought the letter would tell 236

me why Dad had done what he’d done. I wondered if he was too drugged up to feel grief. ‘It’s like he’s blaming everything else as usual,’ Toby said angrily. ‘Like when he used to blame me for everything.’ ‘I know. He just won’t take responsibility. It’s so . . . so . . . frustrating.’ My anger rose to the surface. ‘He’s a selfish bastard and he can rot for all I care.’ ‘What else does he say?’ I read on. I know I’d been in the house, because I had burns. I reckon I tried to save them, but the cops would have none of it. They’re corrupt too, you know. I ended up in hospital. I’m on all kinds of bloody drugs. I have no memory of your mum and the kids on that day. What about Jesse, I wondered. Did he have any memory of shooting her? ‘Do you believe him?’ Toby interrupted. ‘I don’t know.’ I put the letter down. ‘It doesn’t make sense. It’s like he’s making it up so we’ll feel sorry for him!’ ‘Remember what those psychiatrists said in court.’ ‘Not really. It was mostly gobblygook. Too many words I’d never heard before.’ ‘Did you understand the post-traumatic stuff?’ ‘More than the rest of the psycho stuff.’ ‘That’s why the jury said he was insane, you know 237

guilty, but not in control at the time. Everyone knew he killed them. They believed he wasn’t in a normal head-space when he did it. Dad’s experiences in Vietnam resulted in his over-medicating to treat an unrecognised disorder, plus using alcohol as a drug and it was like a chemical explosion waiting to happen. The violence and way he tried to control the family all the time was part of his post-traumatic stress syndrome.’ ‘What about all the other times when he nearly killed us? What about when he used to bash Mum? What about when he used to tie me up or beat me with a stick? Was he insane then?’ ‘I think so.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘When I think about it now, I think he’s been insane all our lives. Maybe this post-traumatic stuff explains some things.’ ‘He’s not innocent.’ ‘I know. Dad was violent in so many ways; you know, not just physical. I hate how he used to put us down all the time. I think he was jealous of Mum and us. How stupid is that? They said he also suffered deep paranoia.’ I looked at Toby’s puzzled face. I turned towards the sea. I caught glimpses of ships on the horizon as the sea rolled in. The constancy of the waves calmed 238

me. I’d been right all along about Dad. I’d known it since I was a small kid. Dad was mad. That’s why he did the things he did. His cruelty to us wasn’t normal. It was the behaviour of someone who had a brain sickness. I felt sad all over again. ‘Do you remember ever not being afraid of hearing Dad’s footsteps?’ ‘One time, fishing on the Birrie River. Dad was different that weekend. We camped, you remember?’ ‘I didn’t go. I can’t remember him ever hugging me or anything.’ ‘Me either.’ A slight breeze blew the letter out of my hand. I chased it and put my foot on a page. Toby grabbed the other page out of the air. ‘That was close.’ ‘I suppose we better read the rest.’ ‘We could have just let it blow away.’ I didn’t know why I’d rushed up to save it. A moment before I wasn’t even sure if I was going to finish reading it. Now I was stamping firmly on part of it. I picked it up. It was damp from the wet rocks. ‘Let’s try and get through the rest.’ I focused my eyes on the written words and found my normal voice to read. I want you also to know that I love you very much. I know I haven’t been able to show you. It’s the way I was 239

brought up. I’m proud of you both. You’re smart kids. You obviously get that from your mum, hey? Whatever the outcome of this horrible mess, I want you kids to know, not a day will go by where I’m not thinking of you. I regret I may not see you grow into adults. Don’t forget your old Dad, please kids. I’m the only real one you have. I think the doctors are in on it with the lawyers and police to put me away for a long time. One cop told me, if he had his way he’d throw away the key. How’s that for being judged guilty before it’s proved? Now to the farm, it’s yours. You might want to sell, but before you do, remember it’s been in my family for generations. My great, great grandfather pioneered the district. He had to kill blacks and all to stake out his bit of country. He was a brave man. He’s buried there, as you know. A lot of my family’s in that dirt. I hope your heritage is as important to you as it has been to me. ‘Dad’s still trying to control us,’ I said. By now you’ve probably heard of your Uncle Wayne, the black sheep of the family. My stupid brother knocked up some abo sheila and bloody married her. No one in our family had married one before. When they broke up, Wayne took off up north. I haven’t heard of his whereabouts for years. Last I knew he was somewhere up North Queensland on a fishing boat. The bloody woman’s still in that bloody camp somewhere. Your mum met her once. I put a stop to that, and banned you kids from going there. 240

I’m telling you this now, because I reckon my brother will turn up like a bad smell if he hears of my bad luck. He’d love to get his hands on the farm. ‘BAD LUCK! You’re kidding. Show me.’ Toby grabbed the letter out of my hand. I didn’t want to hold it anymore. I sort of felt numb. Why had I expected Dad to be any different on paper than he was when we’d lived together? Is it compulsory to love your parents? ‘I expected him to say something about why he’d done what he did. I don’t know why.’ I spoke loudly against the crashing sea. ‘Do you want to read the rest? I can’t read it aloud anymore.’ Toby nodded his head, and started reading in a shaky voice. Anyway kids, my arms are a bit sore. The burns hurt like hell. I’m on strong painkillers again. I don’t know what day it is, or what month. I’ll ask the nurse. They’re good in here. The food’s good too. I’ll write you another letter when my arms improve. Please keep in touch. Hope that sister of your mum’s doesn’t send you queer. I might see if we can make some other arrangements. ‘Holy cow!’ Toby wailed. ‘Bloody hell. He’s a total fruitcake.’ Toby started reading aloud; his voice had lost its shake. I know they say I’ve done the worst thing any man 241

could do. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum and brother and sister. I long for the day you both can look me in the eye and know I’m innocent of this. Dad We sat stunned, nothing to say. I felt left-over tears on my face. Shadows danced on the surrounding rocks. Insects and crabs raced around busily, making the most of the sea’s temporary abatement. Pacific gulls hovered above the waves, eyes cast downward, watching for glints of small silver fish. Silver gulls bobbed on the swell. ‘It’s like he’s two different people,’ Toby said. ‘One minute he’s talking crazy about the war, the next he’s acting like Mr Responsibility about the farm. I think the jury got it right.’ Toby sounded exasperated. ‘I think you’re right. The jury knew he was a total cracker. I bet everyone feels sorry for him because he’s a freakin’ nut.’ I half-kicked at a rock. It hurt my toe a bit. Toby looked away. ‘I don’t want this appeal thing. I just want them to keep him locked up for as long as possible. He’s not innocent, I know it.’ Toby walked to the water’s edge. ‘Don’t,’ I screamed, fearing for a moment he was going to jump in. 242

Toby turned around. ‘What?’ ‘Be careful.’ Toby looked at me as if I was crazy. I watched him cup some water and wash his face. I looked down at the letter that we’d placed under a rock. Is this where we’d leave it? ‘What do you think we should do with the letter?’ I shouted to Toby. ‘There’s some little fish down here.’ Toby was stretched out with his head over the edge of the rock ledge. I went and lay next to him. I was alert to the sea in case a freak wave came. Silver flashes whizzed by. ‘They look so small.’ ‘You’d need hundreds to have a good feed.’ ‘Toby! Why is everything food? For god’s sake they’re just little fish swimming by’ ‘Because I’m hungry.’ ‘Grab some then.’ ‘If I get a few, will you eat one?’ ‘No way! Don’t try. If you fall in I’m not going to save you.’ ‘You would.’ ‘You’re dreaming. I wouldn’t go in that water with all those SHARKS.’ Toby jumped back. ‘Hey, don’t say that.’ ‘It’s true.’ Toby scanned the water surface, looking for a 243

dark give-away shadow. ‘Anyway, what are we going to do with the letter? Should we give it to Aunt Jean?’ ‘Why?’ ‘I don’t know. So she can decide what to do with it.’ ‘Why don’t we just tear it up and chuck it to the sharks?’ I was reluctant to destroy it. I didn’t know why. I’d lost everything of mine, my diaries, photos, letters, school reports, everything, when Dad burnt our house down. I had no mementos of fourteen years of my life. This letter was the only thing I had of Dad, even though it didn’t make sense that I would want to keep it as a reminder. ‘I think I’ll keep it and maybe read it again in a few years.’ ‘Why do that to yourself? It’s mad.’ ‘I don’t know. I guess it’s because Mum always said we should be kind to sick people, even mad ones.’ ‘I don’t think she meant Dad.’ ‘I do. I think that’s why she said it so often. Mum knew Dad was sick. I guess she just got used to caring for him. I know she was going to leave that day and I’m positive that’s what set Dad off.’ I remembered the day clearly. It was a Wednesday and Mum had told us not to catch the bus home from school. I knew something was wrong because it 244

was so out of the ordinary. It’s the last memory I have of my mum alive. ‘I wonder where we would have gone.’ I spoke my thoughts. ‘Maybe here.’ ‘Funny isn’t it. We ended up here anyway.’ ‘Do whatever you want with the letter,’ Toby said. ‘I don’t want to ever see it again.’ ‘It’s disappointing after all the bloody stress I’ve gone through about whether to read the damn thing.’ ‘Even though I know it’s Dad, he’s a stranger.’ ‘I suppose we better get back.’ ‘I’m hungry.’ ‘There’s a banana.’ I handed it to Toby. We made our way back along the rocks. The tide was on the turn. Gushes of water started filling cracks and rock pools again. Crabs scurried out of reach. The birds seemed to become more vocal, their squawks constant. There were more people fishing than earlier. They were scattered around the edges of the point. Seagulls hovered above, clashing beaks and chasing each other with guttural shrieks. We reached the tidal pool. The beach appeared more crowded than before. The low blazing sun shone on the rooftops in the west. The hill felt steeper than usual. 245

‘Stop for a minute.’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Yes. I’m just a little weak from that spin thing, I guess.’ I took deep breaths. I recovered enough energy to keep going. Aunt Jean was out when we reached the flat. Toby went straight to the fridge. I read Aunt Jean’s note. It said she’d be back about six, not to worry about dinner, that she’d bring takeaway. I looked at the clock. It was nearly six now. Toby was stuffing food into his mouth. ‘Did you hear me? Aunt Jean’s bringing takeaway. Leave some room for that.’ ‘I’ve got plenty of room.’ Toby stuck his stomach out. ‘I’ve got all of this to fill. I’m starving.’ ‘You’re not starving.’ I picked up the magazine with a picture of a child for a famine appeal. ‘That’s starving.’ I pointed at the picture. ‘You know what I mean.’ I didn’t want to fight. If Toby was hungry, why was I making an argument out of it? I didn’t make sense. Will I ever make sense of myself, I wondered. I went into my room and instead of putting the letter in my top drawer, I put it underneath some boxes in the wardrobe. Out of sight out of mind, I thought as I lay down on my bed for a small rest before dinner. 246

CHAPTER 14

Sunday Evening

A

unt Jean had brought Japanese take-away. Uncle Wayne was with her. We ate up on the

roof. I felt warm towards Uncle Wayne because of the things Dad had said in his letter. Toby had asked me quietly if I was going to say anything horrible to Uncle Wayne for visiting Dad. I’d told him the letter changed everything. ‘I now understand what you were saying about Uncle Wayne being a good man. You know, why should he visit Dad when he’s been such a bastard to him? I trust you Toby when you say he’s a decent bloke.’ Toby nodded. ‘He is Jules. I wouldn’t lie to you. He’s funny too. He has some really good stories about places he’s been and jobs he’s done. I feel safe with Uncle Wayne.’ Toby looked thoughtful. ‘Maybe Uncle Wayne is different because he didn’t go to Vietnam. I don’t know.’ ‘Do you think we should talk about it with Uncle Wayne as well?’ ‘Let’s tell them tonight.’ 247

‘Okay.’ The sun had nearly set when we commenced eating. Streaks of light filtered through gathering clouds. ‘It’s been a glorious day,’ Aunt Jean said between mouthfuls of sushi. ‘You’re lucky to have that sea breeze. It would be pretty sticky without it,’ Uncle Wayne answered. ‘Did you enjoy your walk?’ Toby and I looked at each other. ‘Yes.’ ‘I wished I had a rod with me. Good-sized whiting were biting,’ Toby said to Uncle Wayne. This was Toby’s signal to not bring up the letter yet. I gave him a nod to say I’d got the message. ‘I didn’t bring any rods with me.’ Uncle Wayne slapped his forehead. ‘Didn’t think about it, have you fished from the rocks before?’ Uncle Wayne looked at Toby. ‘You ought to have said something.’ ‘I forgot. I’ve only fished with hand lines with a couple of mates. We only caught a boot and seaweed,’ Toby answered. Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne stacked up the plates and took them back down to the flat. I could hear the familiar night noises of Bondi. There were the sounds of cars, buses and motorbikes, rushing up and down the Parade. The sea crashed gently against the cliff 248

face. It was a constant background noise. There’s no such thing as silence, I thought. I felt an invisible load had shifted that I’d been carrying for a long time. It was if the omnipresence weighing me down had departed. I looked behind me at the empty space. Reading the letter must have freed something in me, I thought. My father’s words had been disappointing. That was nothing new. I’d always been disappointed in my father. I glimpsed fuzzy memories of Dad smiling and laughing. I was very, very young in these blurred images. My thoughts drifted to the future. I’d made up my mind I was going to talk with my counsellor on Monday after my CAT scan. I was ready to stop going. I wondered what my counsellor would say. I’ll just have to tell her to be positive about it, like she’s always telling me. If I did stop going, Aunt Jean might raise my pocket money. I could start saving for my car immediately. Tomorrow I’d go and buy the road rule book and my learner plates. I pictured my car. A little red station wagon with board racks. Every surfer had to have board racks. ‘I’m going to learn to drive,’ I said enthusiastically to Toby. ‘I’m bombing around in the old ute.’ ‘I mean road rules, city driving and licence, not 249

just paddock bombing.’ ‘Wow. I wouldn’t want to be a passenger or a pedestrian with you on the road.’ ‘Don’t be mean. I’ll be a good driver.’ ‘Remember when you were learning back on the farm.’ ‘Don’t remind me. That was only once you were terrified.’ Toby laughed and laughed. ‘I thought we were goners. I didn’t know a car could go so fast in reverse.’ I laughed with him. ‘Remember Dad running, waving his arms, yelling at me to stop before I hit the shed.’ ‘You went through the shed.’ Toby laughed even more. ‘It wasn’t too much damage. Dad carried on like a chook without a head, and the belting hurt for ages.’ ‘I got one too, remember.’ ‘I know. That was so unfair. It wasn’t your fault my foot froze on the accelerator. I think it was seeing Dad’s face, as I went backwards instead of forwards. He looked like a raging bull.’ ‘I think he hated it the most that after we crashed we were laughing so much.’ ‘I know it was just our nerves and relief that we didn’t get hurt or anything.’ ‘My neck was a bit sore.’ 250

‘Yeah, but you know, no broken bones or anything.’ ‘Have you told Aunt Jean about your driving?’ ‘It was only once, Toby. Don’t make a big deal about it.’ ‘I think you ought to tell her about your past record.’ ‘I’ll think about it.’ Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne came back with a new bottle of wine. I felt slightly nervous. I knew it was unreasonable because Aunt Jean had never gone off her head like Dad, when she drank. I mean she seemed to drink a lot of wine, particularly when her friends were visiting, but she only seemed to get a bit louder and a bit more slurry. I told her how I felt uncomfortable and a little scared around alcohol. Aunt Jean changed her drinking habits for me. Instead of having a couple of wines every night with dinner, she now only drank one night a week, or when she went out. Aunt Jean wasn’t mean about me saying how I felt, and said the last thing she wanted was for me to be uncomfortable in my own home. That had made me feel so good. I looked at the family I had now. Aunt Jean, Uncle Wayne and Toby. Inwardly I smiled. I could have done worse in the relatives stakes, I suppose. Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne were kind people. I could see 251

my mum in Aunt Jean. I didn’t look for Dad in Uncle Wayne. I was so glad I’d come here to live. ‘There were a couple of messages for you on the answering machine.’ Aunt Jean leant over me. I turned away because of the smell of alcohol. It sometimes made me think of Dad standing over me, saying horrible things. I think I was allergic to its scent. ‘Who rang?’ ‘Kate, Phoebe and Ruby.’ ‘Oh shit. I’d forgotten Ruby was going to ring tonight.’ ‘Julie, language.’ ‘What? Oh sorry. What did she say?’ ‘That she’d ring back at about ten. I kept the messages.’ ‘What’s the time?’ Uncle Wayne looked at his watch. ‘Five to nine.’ ‘Ruby said not to phone her back now, because she was going for a swim.’ ‘They’re lucky being able to swim at night without having to worry about sharks or crocodiles,’ Toby said ruefully. ‘Since when have you had to worry about crocodiles?’ I laughed. ‘I was just meaning you know, being able to swim at night.’ 252

‘You’ve swum at night down here,’ I said. Toby and I looked at each other. We were thinking the same thing. Why not go for a swim now? ‘Anyone want to come for a swim?’ I asked. ‘Actually, Julie I don’t think you ought to go for a night swim,’ Aunt Jean said, touching my arm. I looked at her, but didn’t say anything. I knew from experience that you can’t say anything to a person who’s had a few glasses of alcohol. They always have to have the last word. I wasn’t going to argue. I sighed. ‘I wonder when I’ll be able to surf? I’ll have to cancel my entry in that competition. I won’t have had enough practice.’ ‘How good are you?’ Uncle Wayne asked, smiling. ‘Jules is going to be the world champion,’ Toby butted in. I blushed. I felt a bit embarrassed hearing it out loud. ‘Toby.’ ‘What, that’s what you told me. It’s your dream.’ ‘A dream, that’s all. Doesn’t mean it’ll ever happen.’ ‘If that’s what you want, why not?’ Uncle Wayne replied. Aunt Jean piped up. ‘I ran into Geoff at the deli. He said you were very 253

good and that he felt lucky to have seen you when you first began. Your improvement has been remarkable. He’s very keen for you to join the lifesaving and surf club.’ Aunt Jean paused and took a sip of her wine. ‘I know. I told you I saw him the other day.’ ‘Why don’t you?’ I thought Aunt Jean would understand why I didn’t. I thought she’d know the reason. ‘You know.’ I looked at my aunt and uncle. They looked back at me expectantly. ‘Dad! I don’t want to have to talk about it. People always ask questions. Where are your mum and dad? What do they do? How come you live with your aunt? If I join anything, everyone is always going to want to know something. I can join things later when I’m old enough for people to not ask me dumb questions about my parents.’ Uncle Wayne looked away. ‘I don’t think you have to tell anybody anything you don’t want to. In those circumstances, a little lie isn’t going to hurt, if it protects you from sticky beaks.’ ‘I tell anyone who asks already that my parents were killed in a car crash.’ ‘Oh Julie, what can I say?’ Aunt Jean put her arms around me. I didn’t push her away even though I 254

hated the smell. ‘We read Dad’s letter,’ I said quietly. Aunt Jean looked at Uncle Wayne. ‘He’s totally crazy,’ Toby said standing up and walking over to the roof edge. ‘What?’ Aunt Jean said. ‘Totally crackers, bonkers, everything they said in court,’ I answered. ‘Oh god,’ Uncle Wayne said. ‘You kids are right, he is totally mad. I saw him today.’ Uncle Wayne looked at me. Had Toby told him about how angry I’d been when I found out why he’d visited the lunatic? Toby came back from the edge and sat down. ‘Adrian’s totally insane,’ Uncle Wayne said to Aunt Jean. ‘He’s a mess.’ It had been so long since I’d heard anyone say Dad’s name, apart from in court, that for a moment I didn’t know who Uncle Wayne was talking about. ‘We don’t want the appeal. We think the jury got it right.’ I looked at Toby for confirmation. He nodded. ‘The letter is pretty crazy. It’s like one minute he’s here and the next he’s in Vietnam.’ Aunt Jean sighed. ‘I don’t know if there’s much anyone can do. The defence lawyers want to appeal on the grounds of insanity. They want him to be declared mentally ill so he can be shifted to a 255

psychiatric facility and be treated for his madness. The problem is if they assess he’s cured then he can be freed at any time.’ ‘What do you mean any time?’ I asked, horrified at the thought of next week or month, Dad going back to the farm. ‘It’s called at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. It’s not like a sentence for so many years. It’s possible, though highly unlikely, that if your father won his appeal, he could be out in a couple of years.’ ‘NO WAY!’ Toby roared. ‘No bloody way.’ Aunt Jean continued. ‘The Crown is appealing that the sentence wasn’t long enough. They believe that your father should have been sentenced to life without any parole.’ ‘How can there be two such different cases? The facts are the facts.’ ‘You’ve heard that expression there are two sides to every argument. The lawyers just do their job of arguing the contradictions of each other’s point of view.’ ‘Doesn’t sound much like finding the truth.’ I was dismayed that the whole thing could go on forever, if everyone wanted to just keep arguing about it. ‘The system’s not about the truth, Julie. It’s about who is believed above someone else for their version of events.’ Aunt Jean sighed even louder. ‘The reason 256

the Crown think they have a good case is because there is a recorded history of domestic violence over many years. They think the post-traumatic stress syndrome as a defence is a ploy to keep your father from taking full responsibility for his premeditated actions.’ ‘In his letter he reckons he’s innocent and that someone knocked him on the head.’ ‘Bloody oath,’ Uncle Wayne said. ‘He’s a basket case! I don’t think he’s putting it on. He’s got too much pride to be such a mess. It’s like he’s a bit of a zombie, spaced out and dribbling. He’s nothing like the brother I knew.’ I noticed tears in Uncle Wayne’s eyes. I had to stop myself crying. Ought I go and hug him? Try and comfort him. I went over to where he was sitting. ‘Uncle Wayne. It’s all right.’ I hugged him. I could feel his sobs as I held him. ‘Thanks Julie,’ Uncle Wayne said softly. ‘I think he’s been kind of mad all our lives,’ I said. ‘Toby and I talked about it when we read the letter. Do you want to read it?’ Uncle Wayne looked at me and leant forward and kissed me on the forehead. ‘Yes. I’d like that.’ ‘You too,’ I turned to Aunt Jean. ‘Thanks, Julie.’ 257

I looked at Aunt Jean, trying to figure out what she was thinking. Her face was serious and her mouth was very tight. I looked at Toby. He looked frightened. ‘You don’t mean it could be evidence?’ Aunt Jean looked at Uncle Wayne as if she expected him to answer for her. ‘Let’s just leave things as they are for the moment,’ Aunt Jean said, raising her hands. The atmosphere had changed. It felt cooler. Aunt Jean looked stern. Uncle Wayne said nothing as he turned the glass around and around in his hand. ‘I’d like to read the letter.’ Aunt Jean leant over to me with her hand out. ‘Now?’ ‘Why not?’ ‘You’ve been drinking.’ ‘Julie.’ Aunt Jean was really cross now. ‘I am perfectly capable of reading a letter.’ ‘But . . .’ ‘But what?’ ‘I don’t know, I just think you might feel different if you read it in the day, like tomorrow or something. You’re a bit angry now.’ ‘I’m not angry,’ Aunt Jean said, banging her glass down. Toby and I looked at each other apprehensively. Was Aunt Jean going to turn into a monster if she 258

didn’t get her own way? ‘Let’s all cool down here,’ Uncle Wayne said. ‘I think it would be fair to say we’re all a bit upset.’ ‘Maybe you’re right, Julie. I am a bit angry. I think I’m more confused than the rest of you about whether Adrian is mad or clever. I’m sorry. I just wonder Wayne if you’d know the difference.’ ‘I know, Jean. It’s just that he is a drooling idiot. Maybe it’s the medication he’s on, I don’t know. All I know is that he’s locked up in a very small room and is restrained most of the time.’ ‘Good heavens.’ Aunt Jean sounded surprised. ‘They’re afraid he’ll kill himself. I think they’re doping him up to the eyeballs so he’s no trouble or a death in custody. He’s not the brother I knew. I know it’s been nearly twenty years since I last saw him, but he’s a shell of the man I remember. He’s completely broken.’ ‘Do you think he’ll kill himself?’ Toby asked. ‘I don’t know mate. I don’t know. He couldn’t put a sentence together. He just kept on going on about what a dry throat he had. All he wanted was water.’ ‘What’s going to happen to him?’ I wondered out loud. ‘They’re moving him to a hospital prison next week. I’m not sure if they’re going to let him mix with other prisoners or not. They have to stabilise his 259

drug dosage so he doesn’t harm himself. The man I saw wouldn’t be able to hurt a fly. I took him for a little walk and he shuffled along like an old man.’ ‘Oh, Wayne, it must have been awful,’ Aunt Jean said. The stern look had gone and I could see in her face she felt Uncle Wayne’s pain. The pain family, I thought. I suddenly remembered Ruby. ‘What’s the time?’ I jumped up. ‘Ten to ten.’ ‘Ruby. I better get down there.’ I ran off taking two steps at a time. The flat door was unlocked. It was safe because we knew the elderly couple, the Jobys, who lived on the second floor. The first floor was the Simpsons and they were hardly ever there. Half the year they lived in Hong Kong. Anyone coming into the building had to be buzzed in by the residents. We had deadlocks on our doors but we only used them when everyone was out of the building. I played the saved messages from Kate, Phoebe and Ruby. I’d ring the others in the morning. I sat patiently with the phone next to me. The curtains were open and I could see the lights of a ship out to sea. It seemed to be stationary, but I knew it was a night time illusion. The phone rang and I picked it up so quickly I almost dropped it. ‘Hello.’ 260

‘Hi. I rang earlier.’ ‘Ruby, sorry, I was on the roof. I’ll ring you back. Have you got much time?’ ‘The rest of the mob’s at the waterhole.’ We hung up and I immediately dialled her number. ‘It’s me. Have you been swimming?’ ‘Is the Pope catholic? It’s so bloody hot it’s the only thing that keeps you from going totally spare.’ ‘I had this terrible spin-out the other day and I haven’t been able to go surfing.’ ‘What happened?’ ‘I don’t know. They think it was maybe meningitis.’ ‘Bad news, Jules. That can kill you.’ ‘It was a freaky experience, spinning out like that.’ ‘How are you now?’ ‘I have to have a CAT scan tomorrow.’ ‘Is that to see if you’re a cat?’ ‘Don’t be stupid,’ I laughed. ‘What’s happening up your way?’ ‘The usual. Hope you’re okay, Jules. I know you’re already a bit brain damaged but . . .’ ‘Shut up. Look who’s talking.’ Ruby laughed. ‘I’ve got some pretty good news to tell you.’ ‘What?’ ‘Put a thousand in my bank account and I’ll tell you.’ 261

‘Get real. I haven’t got a thousand bucks.’ ‘You can give it to me when you’re rich and famous.’ ‘Don’t be an idiot.’ ‘You won’t believe this. I’m coming to live in Sydney.’ I shrieked with delight. ‘You’re not. Are you serious?’ ‘You bet I am. Mum has enrolled me in Tranby.’ ‘I didn’t know you were even thinking of going to Tranby.’ ‘It’s only happened in the last week. I think Mum thinks there’s less chance of me getting into trouble. God knows why. I reckon there’ll be more hotties down there to keep my eyes busy.’ ‘I’m so happy. That’s the best news I’ve had.’ ‘I’m going to live with Auntie Ruth.’ I was trying to take it in. ‘Ruby that’s so good. I can’t wait. When are you coming down?’ ‘Next Thursday. That auntie I told you about died, so Mum will be home soon.’ I squealed again. ‘Stop your shrieking, sis, it’s deafening me.’ ‘I’m sorry about your aunt, but I’m so happy Ruby that you’re coming to Sydney to live.’ An idea popped into my head. Should I say it? I couldn’t stop myself, 262

I was so excited. ‘You could live here Ruby. Toby’s going back to live on the farm with Uncle Wayne.’ It was Ruby’s turn to shriek. I had to move the phone back from my ear. ‘That would be deadly, Jules. Can you imagine the fun we’d have? One problem though, a very big problem. I know Mum won’t let me live with you fellas.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Mum wouldn’t want me living with white people. No offence. It’s sensitive, you know. Mum’s not real fussed on a lot of white ways. She reckons they’re greedy and untrustworthy and that they only think of themselves, not for the tribe.’ ‘Aunt Jean’s not like that. Is it worth asking?’ ‘Dunno. It is a bit crowded at Auntie Ruth’s.’ ‘You could have your own room here.’ ‘I dunno Jules. I don’t want Mum to think I don’t think Auntie Ruth’s good enough. That I’ve become an uppity black before I even step foot in Sydney.’ ‘What if Aunt Jean asked her?’ ‘That would be a shame job if I hadn’t talked to Mum first. Mum would be wild if she thought I planned something without talking to her. If it’s going to happen, Mum will ring your aunt. That’s our way. Mum would have already made a decision 263

before she’d bring the subject up and if it wasn’t going to happen you’d never hear of it again.’ ‘It’s hard isn’t it? How do you do the right thing when you don’t know what it is?’ ‘You’re not wrong. To tell the truth, I’d rather live with you by the sea than at Auntie Ruth’s. I know what would happen. No space to study or anything. I’d have to help lots with all the kids and stuff. Everyone would expect me to do well at school. It’s a horror movie waiting to happen. I’d rather live with you and visit my relatives.’ ‘I don’t want you to fight with your mum.’ I remembered fighting with my mum. It was always so horrible. I suppose I was lucky in that I wouldn’t have those fights anymore. I almost felt bad thinking like that. ‘I couldn’t believe it when Mum asked me if I wanted to go to college. If I had a heart, I’d have had a heart attack.’ ‘Oh Ruby, you’ve got a heart. In fact it’s too big for your body.’ ‘What are you saying girl?’ ‘I don’t know. I’ve got something to tell you.’ ‘Give.’ ‘Put ten thousand in my account.’ ‘In your dreams, I’m saving up for a condo.’ ‘You are an uppity black.’ 264

‘Careful.’ I stopped. Had I stepped over an invisible cultural line? ‘Sorry.’ ‘Tell me.’ ‘You know the letter Dad wrote to Toby and me when he was in hospital.’ ‘Yeah, I remember. The bastard, he should’ve died.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Toby and I read it today.’ ‘Hell Jules, that was brave. What’d the bloody nong say?’ ‘He’s completely crazy, totally off this planet.’ ‘You’re gammin.’ ‘No. I’m serious. The letter was crazy.’ ‘Yeah well I suppose he must have been crazy, you know, must have been. Mum reckons he’s troppo.’ ‘Aunt Jean isn’t completely convinced and wonders if he’s manipulating everyone into thinking he’s mad.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You know acting crazy.’ ‘What do you think?’ ‘I’m so confused. The letter made me think he was a total loop. Uncle Wayne went to see him and he reckons he’s mad as a cut snake, as they say.’ ‘Nothing madder than a cut snake,’ Ruby said solemnly. ‘Nothing on this earth.’ ‘Well he reckons he’s bonkers beyond belief.’ 265

‘He’d know you’d reckon, being his brother and all.’ ‘I know, but there’s this little doubt in my mind.’ ‘What doubt?’ ‘Well it’s like how Dad would get angry about nothing, and lose control, throwing things, swearing, calling Mum and us stupid, you know, all that stuff.’ ‘I never met him, but I know what you’re saying.’ ‘Yet if anyone came to the door, like someone working on the farm or something, he’d become completely normal, just like that.’ I snapped my fingers. ‘More than normal in fact. Dad would be charming, crack jokes that sort of thing. We’d all be sitting terrified, knowing the gun was crooked behind the door. Dad would laugh and carry on as if there was nothing wrong. I’ve wondered why none of us got up and ran away, while Dad was distracted. We sat there like stunned mullets.’ ‘Frozen with fear, girl. That’s why none of you made a run for it.’ ‘You’re right, Ruby. It was fear. ‘Doesn’t sound right though, what you were saying about your Dad losing control and then being nice as pie with strangers, instantly.’ I heard the snap of Ruby’s fingers. ‘I’m so confused.’ Do you want my opinion?’ 266

‘Please.’ ‘Look what he did. Even if he’s acting crazy, he’s still crazy. No one in their right mind would do what he did. I guess that’s the point, what’s a right mind? When you talk about your dad, you know the fact he had to control his family with a gun, shows he’s crazy. Mad. He was already crazy before he did what he did, and he’s crazy now. When wasn’t he crazy in your life?’ I listened intently to Ruby’s words. I knew what she was saying. It resounded with my own thoughts. ‘I guess you’re right Ruby. It makes me so sad. I don’t know if I love him or hate him.’ ‘Don’t try and figure an answer. Don’t worry girl, the truth of how you feel will come to you. It could happen next month, next year, ten years, twenty years . . .’ ‘I’ll probably forget the question by the time I get the answer,’ I laughed. ‘I just want to be happy like normal people.’ ‘What ad did you see normal people on? Who’s bloody happy? Even the bloody rich are miserable a lot of the time.’ ‘You know what I mean.’ ‘You are happy!’ ‘I don’t feel very happy.’ ‘Of course you don’t now, you’re talking downer 267

stuff. Mum says happiness isn’t a forever or always thing. It comes and goes. You can’t expect it all the time. It comes in moments. But if you feel good about yourself, inside you’re happy.’ ‘I seem unhappy more often than happy.’ ‘Do you want me to play the violin or what? Of course what happened to you and Toby is tragic. Jules, look at what you’ve got now.’ I held my breath. ‘When you’re on your surfboard? Happy. That’s your share for the day, mate. Don’t get greedy,’ Ruby mocked. I laughed. ‘God you’re funny.’ ‘You remembered.’ ‘Remembered what?’ ‘To call me god.’ ‘You’ll be struck by lightning by the real god’s wrath.’ ‘Real god’s wrath. Wow. You joined a bible group or something?’ ‘I’ve got no idea where that came from. It must have been god talking to me.’ ‘Now don’t go freaking me out with some religion thing, Jules. I’d have to disown you. I can’t be friends with no fundamental freak. It’s against my religion. Cultural, you know, hush hush secret Ruby business.’ ‘I’ll think of you at my next bible class.’ 268

‘Too kind, sister.’ ‘Ruby, what information have you gathered on Uncle Wayne?’ ‘Mum was mum, if you know what I mean. Thanks to my acute hearing abilities, I heard Mum have a red-hot go at Auntie Aloma about your Uncle Wayne.’ ‘More.’ ‘Mum gave Aloma heaps for losing a good man, your Uncle Wayne.’ ‘I see. What did Aloma say?’ ‘Shut up. Big know-it-all goody-two-shoes mouth.’ ‘You’re joking.’ ‘No. Word for word.’ ‘Sheesh, I bet your Mum was impressed.’ ‘Over the moon, oh and the kitchen table to grab Aloma’s throat. I mediated.’ ‘Well done.’ ‘It wasn’t easy. No one ended up in hospital and I consider that an achievement.’ ‘How are things now?’ ‘Auntie Aloma’s banned from the house. Her kids are welcome though.’ ‘I wonder if you’ll miss your family?’ ‘I’ll be happy to get away from them all, except for Mum, oh, and a couple of others.’ ‘At least you’ll be able to surf with me.’ 269

‘Unreal. How deadly is that?’ ‘We could become the black-and-white surfing sisters and enter team comps,’ I waxed enthusiastically. ‘Don’t bolt out the door, it’s shut. I’m going to have to get used to that very big ocean again.’ ‘You’re a natural. It’d be amazing if you got into it.’ ‘Let’s just wait and see. I better go, I can hear the others coming back.’ ‘Will you talk to your mum?’ ‘The first time we’re alone, which could be next week, I’ll have a go.’ ‘I hope your mum says yes.’ ‘Hope costs nothing.’ ‘Can I meet you at the station next week?’ ‘I’ll call you before then.’ ‘Great. I can’t wait. Goodnight, Ruby.’ I felt so much better. Ruby was my oldest friend, and I could say anything to her about Dad. ‘Was that Ruby?’ Aunt Jean called out. I hurried in to the lounge room. ‘Ruby’s coming to live in Sydney!’ Aunt Jean looked surprised. Uncle Wayne looked at Toby. ‘Aloma’s niece,’ Aunt Jean said. Uncle Wayne looked at me. ‘You know my kids?’ 270

‘No. I might have met them but I don’t remember.’ ‘I’m surprised, I wouldn’t have thought Ruby’s mum would want any of her kids living in Sydney. Where’s she going to live?’ Uncle Wayne directed this at Aunt Jean. ‘Here,’ I said. Aunt Jean didn’t appear too surprised. ‘Don’t get carried away, we’ll see.’ ‘She can have my room,’ Toby said enthusiastically. ‘Her mum wants her to live over at Redfern with her Auntie Ruth and all her kids.’ ‘Not just her kids,’ Wayne said. ‘I know Ruth. She’d be looking after all the neighbourhood kids as well.’ ‘Aunt Jean, please. Ruby won’t be able to study and stuff over there. Her mum wants her to do well, that’s why she’s coming down here. Please.’ ‘We’ll see.’ I knew Aunt Jean’s answer would be yes. I just knew it. I hoped Ruby’s mum would agree. I couldn’t wait till Thursday. I wished I knew now. I wanted it so much. I hoped I could find a star in the sky tonight to wish upon. Uncle Wayne rose to leave. He shook Aunt Jean’s hand. ‘We’ll head back early tomorrow. I’ll pick Toby up about eight.’ 271

‘I’ll have already left for work, so I’ll say my farewell to you now, Wayne. It’s been good to catch up with you. Don’t become a stranger. Visit again soon.’ ‘No problem, Jean. Thanks for your hospitality. I’m glad you don’t judge me by my brother and that you’ve been so welcoming. Don’t worry about Toby. I’ll take very good care of him.’ ‘I know you will.’ I walked Uncle Wayne to the front door. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’ Uncle Wayne leant and kissed me on the forehead. ‘I’m glad you aren’t angry with me anymore, Julie.’ ‘I’m so glad to see Toby happier. It’s been pretty hard.’ ‘I know. Don’t worry. I’ll make him do his school work.’ ‘It would be good if he got to know his cousins better.’ Uncle Wayne laughed. ‘I’ll see what I can do. Goodnight Julie.’ I closed the door and leant against it. How things change, I thought. I was quite prepared to not let Uncle Wayne in the flat, and now I felt like I was missing his quiet strength. ‘I’m off to bed.’ Aunt Jean stood up. ‘Goodnight, Toby. Goodnight, Julie.’ 272

Aunt Jean pushed the hair back from my eyes. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll see what I can do about the appeal. I’ll take you for the CAT scan in the morning.’ ‘Do you think I’m well enough to go surfing? I reckon I am.’ I looked hopefully at Aunt Jean. ‘I think you better wait till after the results of the scan, just to be safe.’ ‘I feel so much better.’ ‘I know, but let’s just make sure that everything is fine. It would be horrible if you had something that could put you at risk, particularly while you were surfing. Be patient for a little bit longer.’ ‘I really want to. I feel fine.’ ‘I’m glad you do, but wait till after tomorrow.’ Aunt Jean kissed the top of my head. ‘Goodnight Julie. I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast and our goodbyes, Toby.’ ‘Goodnight, Aunt Jean,’ I said, quietly and sat down on the couch. ‘I wish I didn’t have to have this stupid CAT scan.’ ‘Are you scared?’ ‘No. I don’t feel there’s anything wrong. It was just all the stress coming out I reckon.’ ‘Probably. When I first went back to the bush, I got pretty sick for the first week. I reckon it was all the court stuff getting out of my body.’ ‘Wow, Toby, that’s pretty radical.’ 273

‘I felt like I was releasing toxic waste.’ ‘Maybe I just was a little slower to react to it all or something.’ ‘I had clean air and quiet all around me, so maybe it made all the poisons leave me quicker. That’s what Uncle Wayne said that time he cried, that I’d been poisoned. Strange, eh?’ ‘I wonder if I rang up the CAT-scan people and told them I knew it was a one-off, if they’d say don’t bother coming in. It’ll save them heaps of money and everyone knows how poor public hospitals are.’ ‘I doubt it. Jules, there’s something I overheard accidentally. Has Aunt Jean got cancer?’ ‘Probably not. Aunt Jean had these tests, but she’s pretty confident there’s nothing wrong.’ ‘I hope she’s all right.’ ‘Me too. I better go to bed, I’m totally exhausted.’ ‘One last thing.’ Toby put his hand up. ‘It’s so cool Ruby coming down here to live.’ ‘It’d be a dream come true for her to live here.’ I switched off the lamp next to me. ‘It’s a real bummer that I can’t go surfing tomorrow morning.’ ‘What about a swim? I’m going to have one before we drive off into that western furnace.’ ‘I doubt it. I think I just have to wait till after the tests.’ 274

‘I’ll wake you if you want.’ ‘Thanks. Goodnight Toby.’ We didn’t embrace. Toby was in the do-not-touch zone again. ‘See you, Jules.’ I flopped on my bed. Moonlight streaked my duvet. I glanced out the window at shifting clouds. A creaking door was shutting. I had the key to lock it shut. Sitting up, I slowly undressed. I wanted to be surfing by the end of the week. I didn’t care anymore about anything else.

275

Epilogue

I

t’s been weeks since my CAT scan. My brain was a perfectly normal sixteen-year-old brain, whatever

that meant. The X-ray meant nothing to me. I didn’t really connect it as the place that held all my thoughts and memories. Toby’s written a couple of letters, usually with a note from Uncle Wayne. They both want me to visit when the house is finished. Maybe in the next holidays with Ruby holding my hand, I’d have enough courage. Ruby’s mum and others performed a cleansing ceremony of the land. Toby said the farm felt different, the ghosts weren’t trapped anymore. Uncle Wayne found out Dad has liver cancer. Aunt Jean visited him and told him what she thought of him. I know it didn’t satisfy her, but as she said, she felt like she’d done something for her sister. Toby and I are still undecided if we’ll visit him or not. I feel it could be another disappointment. Dad’s bad health halted the appeal. It’s like the cloud and silver lining stuff. You would think liver cancer, boo hoo. No appeal, hip hip hooray. 276

One of the best things that happened is Ruby living here. Ruby’s pessimism was misplaced. Her mum was delighted with the arrangement. Ruby said her mum turned her white when she suggested that instead of Ruby living at Auntie Ruth’s, there’d be room at my aunt’s place for Ruby to unpack a suitcase, now that Toby was living with his uncle. We suspect Aunt Jean and Ruby’s mum had discussed it before we’d even thought of it! Phoebe’s cousin Trudy has moved in with Phoebe while her parents are in Vietnam for a year. I really like Trudy and think it had nothing to do with her being Vietnamese that brought on my spin-out. Jasmine’s mum called a truce, so Jasmine went home. Kate returned north at the end of the holidays. Ruby and I are visiting her next long weekend. I’ve done a few driving lessons and am saving conscientiously for my car. It was shaping up to be my best year ever. One of the best things that happened is Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne decided to buy me a responsible present of two Maltese Terrier pups. I called one Bobbie, and the other, Buffy. They’re adorable and make me laugh daily with their games and pleasure in each other for company. There was a lot of work like walks, feeding and picking up . . . it’s too disgusting to say. There are two animals so they have each other’s company 277

when I’m at school or whatever. Uncle Wayne said no animal ought to live in loneliness. They all need a companion. To this very day, I don’t know how much convincing Aunt Jean needed, but I’m so awesomely happy about the future that my smile has almost become permanent.

278

OTHER SPINIFEX YOUNG ADULT TITLES

I Started Crying Monday Laurene Kelly Laurene Kelly’s first young adult novel introduces us to fourteen-year-old Julie, who is struggling with a terrible home life, but could never imagine the horror that is about to destroy her family forever. She dreams of a new life, away from her abusive father, but when her mother doesn’t arrive to meet Julie and her brother Toby after school as planned, her hopes are shattered. She is told there was an accident, but something more is wrong . . . ‘This is a gritty, detailed documentation of the minefield that is adolescent girls’ culture, presented in graphic, tragic, ironic detail.’ — Pam Macintyre, The Australian Review of Books ‘I recommend I Started Crying Monday to readers looking for an accessible real life novel that pinpoints issues without overexposing them. I thoroughly enjoyed the autobiographical/narrative style. I give it a rating of 9⁄10.’ — Susan Cole, React 99 ISBN 1-875559-78-7

The Crowded Beach Laurene Kelly The powerful sequel to the acclaimed I Started Crying Monday, tells the story of fourteen-year-old Julie trying to forge a new life for herself after a family tragedy. Adapting to life in the city, without her parents, is sometimes exciting, but often overwhelming, and discovering the joys of the beach provides Julie with an escape from the ongoing dramas. At first, it seems the turmoil will never cease. And then, just as Julie begins to make some sense of what has happened, there are further surprising developments. ‘What Kelly has done in The Crowded Beach is to courageously address one of the great sleepers in contemporary society. This is the presence of domestic violence and child abuse in the home. As uncomfortable as the issues Kelly raises are, The Crowded Beach is a book parents might consider reading and discussing with their teenage children. Teachers should set it on courses dealing with family life in contemporary society.’ — Christopher Bantick, The Sunday Tasmanian ‘Kelly is particularly good at evoking an emotional setting, and explores the attitudinal differences between town and country kids in insightful fashion.’ — Australian Book Review ISBN 1-876756-06-3

If you would like to know more about Spinifex Press, write for a free catalogue or visit our website

Spinifex Press PO Box 212 North Melbourne Victoria 3051 Australia [email protected] www.spinifexpress.com.au