U.S.A. $21.00
FPT
Canada$27.50
Arno Strine likes to stop time and take women's clothes off. He is hard at work on hi...
4070 downloads
4839 Views
3MB Size
Report
This content was uploaded by our users and we assume good faith they have the permission to share this book. If you own the copyright to this book and it is wrongfully on our website, we offer a simple DMCA procedure to remove your content from our site. Start by pressing the button below!
Report copyright / DMCA form
U.S.A. $21.00
FPT
Canada$27.50
Arno Strine likes to stop time and take women's clothes off. He is hard at work on his autobiography, The Fermata. It proves in the telling to be a very provocative, funny, and altogether morally confused piece of work.
A B O U T
T H E
NICHOLSON
A U T H O R
BAKER
was
born in 1957. He attended the Eastman School of Music and Haverford College. His previous books are The Mezzanine ( 1 9 8 8 ) , Room
Temperature
(1990), U and I (1991), and Vox (1992). He has written for The New Yorker
and The
Atlantic Monthly. He is married with two children.
RANDOM
HOUSE,
INC
, NEW YORK,
I'KINTE!) IN U S ©1994
RANDOM
A.
NY.
2/94
HOUSE,
INC.
10022
/?\ ISBN
0-679-41586-6
52100
9"780679"J»15862
ALSO
BY
NICHOLSON
The Mezzanine Room Temperature U and I Vox
BAKER
THE FERMATA
THE
FERMATA Nicholson Baker
R a n d o m New
H o u s e Y o r k
Copyright © 1994 by Nicholson Baker All rights reserved under International Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Random House, Inc., New York, and simultaneously in Canada by Random House o f Canada Limited, Toronto. The fictional product names in this book are the property o f the author and may not be used as names for real products or services without his prior written permission. Library o f Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Baker, Nicholson The Fermata / Nicholson Baker p. cm. ISBN 0-679-41586-6 I. Title. PS3552.A4325F47 1994 813'.54—dc20 93-26492 Manufactured in the United States o f America 24689753 First Edition
FOR
MY
FATHER
THE FERMATA
I
^
AM GOING T O CALL MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY
THE
FERMATA,
EVEN
t h o u g h " f e r m a t a " is only o n e of t h e m a n y n a m e s I have for the Fold. " F o l d " is, obviously, a n o t h e r . Every so often, usually in t h e fall ( p e r h a p s m u n d a n e l y b e c a u s e my h o r m o n e - f l o w s are at t h e i r h i g h e s t t h e n ) , I discover t h a t I have t h e p o w e r to d r o p i n t o t h e Fold. A F o l d - d r o p is a p e r i o d of t i m e of variable l e n g t h d u r i n g which I a m alive a n d a m b u l a t o r y a n d t h i n k i n g a n d looking, while t h e rest of t h e world is s t o p p e d , o r p a u s e d . Over t h e years, I have h a d to c o m e u p with various t e c h n i q u e s to trigger t h e p a u s e , s o m e of which have m a d e u s e of rockerswitches, r u b b e r b a n d s , sewing n e e d l e s ,
fingernail
clippers,
a n d o t h e r h a r d w a r e , s o m e of w h i c h have n o t . T h e p o w e r 3
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s e e m s ultimately to c o m e from within m e , g r a n d i o s e as that s o u n d s , b u t as I invoke it I have to believe t h a t it is external for it to w o r k p r o p e r l y . I d o n ' t i n q u i r e i n t o origins very often, f e a r i n g t h a t t o o close a scrutiny will d a m a g e whatever interior states have given rise to it, since it is t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t o n g o i n g a d v e n t u r e of m y life. I ' m in t h e F o l d right now, as a m a t t e r of fact. I w a n t first to type o u t my n a m e — i t ' s A r n o l d Strine. I prefer A m o to t h e full A r n o l d . P u t t i n g m y o w n n a m e d o w n is l o i n - g i r d i n g some h o w — i t h e l p s m e g o a h e a d with this. I ' m thirty-five. I ' m seated in a n office c h a i r w h o s e four wide black casters roll silently over t h e c a r p e t i n g , o n t h e sixth floor of t h e MassBank b u i l d i n g in d o w n t o w n B o s t o n . I ' m l o o k i n g u p at a w o m a n n a m e d J o y c e , w h o s e c l o t h e s I have r e a r r a n g e d somewhat, al t h o u g h I have n o t actually r e m o v e d any of t h e m . I ' m l o o k i n g directly at h e r , b u t she d o e s n ' t know this. While I look I ' m u s i n g a Casio C W - 1 6 p o r t a b l e electronic typewriter, which is p o w e r e d by f o u r D batteries, to r e c o r d w h a t I see a n d think. Before I s n a p p e d m y fingers to s t o p t h e flow of t i m e in t h e universe, J o y c e was walking across t h e c a r p e t i n g in a gray-blue knit dress, a n d I was sitting b e h i n d a desk twenty o r thirty feet away, t r a n s c r i b i n g a t a p e . I c o u l d see h e r h i p b o n e s u n d e r h e r dress, a n d I i m m e d i a t e l y knew it was t h e t i m e to S n a p in. H e r p o c k e t b o o k is still over h e r s h o u l d e r . H e r p u b i c h a i r is very black a n d nice to look a t — t h e r e is lots a n d lots of it. If I d i d n ' t already k n o w h e r n a m e , I w o u l d p r o b a b l y n o w o p e n h e r p u r s e a n d find o u t h e r n a m e , b e c a u s e it h e l p s to know t h e n a m e of a w o m a n I u n d r e s s . T h e r e is m o r e o v e r s o m e t h i n g very excit ing, a l m o s t m o v i n g , a b o u t t a k i n g a p e e k at a w o m a n ' s driver's license w i t h o u t h e r k n o w i n g — s t u d y i n g t h e p i c t u r e a n d won d e r i n g w h e t h e r it was o n e t h a t pleased h e r o r m a d e h e r u n h a p p y w h e n she was first given it at t h e DMV. 4
THE
FERMATA
B u t I d o know this w o m a n ' s n a m e . I've typed s o m e of h e r tapes. T h e l a n g u a g e of h e r dictations is l o o s e r t h a n s o m e of the o t h e r l o a n officers'—she will occasionally u s e a p h r a s e like " s p r u c e u p " o r " p o l i s h off" o r "kick i n " t h a t y o u very s e l d o m c o m e across in t h e credit u p d a t e s of l a r g e r e g i o n a l b a n k s . O n e of h e r m o r e r e c e n t dictations e n d e d with s o m e t h i n g like "Kyle Roller i n d i c a t e d t h a t h e h a d b e e n d e a l i n g with t h e subject since 1989. V o l u m e since t h a t t i m e h a s b e e n $ 8 0 , 0 0 0 . H e emphatically stated t h a t t h e i r service was s u b s t a n d a r d . H e indicated t h a t h e h a s p u t f u r t h e r business with t h e m o n h o l d because they h a d 'lied like hell' t o h i m . H e i n d i c a t e d h e d i d n o t want his n a m e m e n t i o n e d b a c k t o t h e P a u l e y b r o t h e r s . This i n f o r m a t i o n was r e t u r n e d t o J o y c e Collier o n — " a n d t h e n she said t h e d a t e . As p r o s e it is n o t P e n e l o p e Fitzgerald, p e r h a p s , b u t y o u crave any t r e m o r of life in t h e s e r e p o r t s , a n d I will a d m i t t h a t I felt a n arrow go t h r o u g h m e w h e n I h e a r d h e r say "lied like h e l l . " Last week, J o y c e was w e a r i n g this very s a m e gray-blue h i p b o n e - f l a u n t i n g dress o n e day. S h e d r o p p e d off a t a p e for m e to d o a n d told m e t h a t she liked m y glasses, a n d I've b e e n n u t s a b o u t h e r since. I b l u s h e d a n d t h a n k e d h e r a n d told h e r I liked h e r scarf, which really was a very likable scarf. It h a d all sorts of golds a n d blacks a n d yellows in it, a n d Cyrillic letters seemed to b e p a r t of t h e design. S h e said, "Well t h a n k you, I like it, t o o , " a n d s h e surprised m e (surprised u s b o t h possibly) by u n t y i n g it from h e r n e c k a n d p u l l i n g it slowly t h r o u g h h e r fingers. I asked w h e t h e r t h o s e were i n d e e d Cyrillic letters I saw before m e , a n d she said t h a t they were, p l e a s e d at m y a t t e n tiveness, b u t she said t h a t she h a d asked a friend of h e r s w h o knew Russian w h a t they spelled, a n d h e h a d told h e r t h a t they m e a n t n o t h i n g , they were j u s t a j u m b l e of letters. "Even bet ter," I said, s o m e w h a t idiotically, a n x i o u s t o show h o w c o m 5
NICHOLSON
BAKER
pletely u n i n t e r e s t e d I was in h e r m e n t i o n of a m a l e friend. " T h e d e s i g n e r picked t h e letters for t h e i r formal b e a u t y — h e d i d n ' t try to p r e t e n d h e knew t h e l a n g u a g e by u s i n g a real w o r d . " T h e m o m e n t t h r e a t e n e d to b e c o m e m o r e flirtatious t h a n e i t h e r of u s w a n t e d . I h u r r i e d us past it by asking h e r how s o o n she n e e d e d h e r t a p e d o n e . ( I ' m a t e m p , by t h e way.) " N o b i g r u s h , " she said. S h e r e tied h e r scarf, a n d we smiled quite warmly at e a c h o t h e r a g a i n before she went off. I was h a p p y all t h a t day j u s t b e c a u s e she h a d told m e she liked m y glasses. J o y c e is p r o b a b l y n o t g o i n g to play a large p a r t in this a c c o u n t of m y life. I have fallen in love with w o m e n many, m a n y times, m a y b e a h u n d r e d o r a h u n d r e d a n d fifty times; I've t a k e n off w o m e n ' s clothes m a n y times, too: t h e r e is n o t h i n g particularly u n u s u a l a b o u t this occasion within which I a m c u r r e n t l y p a r k e d . T h e only u n u s u a l t h i n g a b o u t it is t h a t this t i m e I ' m writing a b o u t it. I know t h e r e are t h o u s a n d s of w o m e n i n t h e w o r l d I c o u l d potentially feel love for as I d o feel it n o w for J o y c e — s h e j u s t h a p p e n s to work at this office in t h e d o m e s t i c - c r e d i t d e p a r t m e n t of MassBank w h e r e I h a p p e n to b e a t e m p for a few weeks. B u t t h a t is t h e s t r a n g e t h i n g a b o u t w h a t you a r e e x p e c t e d to d o in life—you are s u p p o s e d to forget t h a t t h e r e a r e h u n d r e d s of cities, e a c h o n e of t h e m full of w o m e n , a n d t h a t it is m o s t unlikely t h a t you have f o u n d t h e perfect o n e for you. You a r e j u s t s u p p o s e d to pick t h e best o n e o u t of t h e o n e s you k n o w a n d c a n attract, a n d in fact you d o this h a p p i l y — y o u feel t h a t t h e love you direct toward t h e o n e y o u d o c h o o s e is n o t arbitrarily bestowed. A n d it was brave a n d friendly of J o y c e to c o m p l i m e n t m e t h a t way a b o u t m y glasses. I always m e l t instantly w h e n I ' m p r a i s e d for features a b o u t which I have private d o u b t s . I first got glasses in t h e s u m m e r after f o u r t h g r a d e . (Incidentally, f o u r t h g r a d e is also t h e year I first d r o p p e d i n t o t h e Fold—my 6
THE
FERMATA
t e m p o r a l powers have always b e e n linked in a way I d o n ' t p r e t e n d to u n d e r s t a n d with my sense of sight.) I w o r e t h e m steadily u n t i l a b o u t two years a g o , w h e n I d e c i d e d t h a t I should at least try c o n t a c t lenses. Maybe everything w o u l d b e different if I got contacts. So I d i d get t h e m , a n d I enjoyed t h e rituals of c a r i n g for t h e m — c a r i n g for this p a i r of d e m a n d i n g twins t h a t h a d to b e b a t h e d a n d c h a n g e d constantly. I liked squirting t h e salt water o n t h e m , a n d h o l d i n g o n e o f t h e m in an a q u e o u s b e a d o n t h e tip of m y finger a n d a d m i r i n g its S a a r i n e n e s q u e u p c u r v e , a n d w h e n I folded it in half a n d r u b b e d its slightly slimy surface a g a i n s t itself to b r e a k u p t h e p r o t e i n deposits, I often r e m e m b e r e d t h e satisfactions of m a k i n g o m e l e t s in Teflon fry-pans. B u t t h o u g h as a h o b b y they were r e w a r d i n g , t h o u g h I was as excited in o p e n i n g t h e centrifugal s p i n - c l e a n i n g m a c h i n e I o r d e r e d for t h e m as I would have b e e n if I h a d b o u g h t a n a u t o m a t i c b r e a d b a k e r o r a new k i n d of sexual utensil, they interfered with m y a p p r e c i a tion of t h e world. I c o u l d see t h i n g s t h r o u g h t h e m , b u t I wasn't pleased to look at things. T h e b a n d w i d t h of my o p t i c a l processors was b e i n g flooded with " t h e r e is a n i n t r u d e r o n your eyeball" messages, so t h a t a lot of t h e i n c i d e n t a l visual h a u l from m y r e t i n a was simply n o t a b l e to get t h r o u g h . I wasn't enjoying t h e sights you were obviously m e a n t to enjoy, as w h e n you walked a r o u n d a p a r k o n a windy day w a t c h i n g people's briefcases get blown a r o u n d o n t h e i r a r m s . At first I t h o u g h t it was w o r t h losing t h e b e a u t y of t h e world in o r d e r to look b e t t e r to t h e world: I really was m o r e h a n d some w i t h o u t glasses—the d a s h i n g scar o n m y left eyebrow, where I c u t myself o n a scrap of a l u m i n u m , was m o r e evident. A girl I knew ( a n d w h o s e clothes I r e m o v e d ) in h i g h school used to sing "Il faut souffrir pour être belle" in a soft voice, to a t u n e of h e r own devising, a n d I t o o k t h a t o v e r h e a r d p r e c e p t 7
NICHOLSON
BAKER
seriously; I was willing to u n d e r s t a n d it n o t j u s t in t h e n a r r o w sense of painful h a i r - b r u s h i n g o r (say) eyebrow-tweezing o r l i p o s u c t i o n , b u t in s o m e b r o a d e r sense t h a t suffering makes for b e a u t y in art, t h a t t h e artist h a s to suffer griefs a n d priva tions in o r d e r to deliver b e a u t y to his o r h e r p u b l i c , all t h a t well-ventilated j u n k . So I c o n t i n u e d to wear c o n t a c t s even w h e n e a c h blink was a dry t o r m e n t . B u t t h e n I n o t i c e d t h a t my typing was suffering, t o o — a n d t h e r e , since I a m a t e m p a n d t y p i n g is m y livelihood, I really h a d to draw t h e line. Especially w h e n I typed n u m b e r s , m y e r r o r r a t e was way u p . ( O n c e I s p e n t two weeks d o i n g n o t h i n g b u t typing six-digit n u m b e r s . ) P e o p l e b e g a n b r i n g i n g b a c k financial c h a r t s t h a t I h a d d o n e with m i s t y p e d n u m b e r s circled in red, asking, " A r e you all right
today, A r n o ? " C o n t a c t lenses also, I noticed, m a d e m e
feel, as l o u d c o n t i n u o u s factory noise also will, t e n feet farther away from a n y o n e else a r o u n d m e . T h e y were isolating m e , h e i g h t e n i n g r a t h e r t h a n h e l p i n g rid m e of my—well, I sup p o s e it is p r o p e r t o call it my loneliness. I missed t h e s h a r p c o r n e r s of my glasses, w h i c h h a d h e l p e d m e d i g my way o u t i n t o sociability; they h a d b e e n p a r t of w h a t I felt was my characteristic e x p r e s s i o n . W h e n I s t a r t e d today, I h a d n o i n t e n t i o n of g e t t i n g i n t o all this a b o u t eyeglasses. B u t it is g e r m a n e . I love l o o k i n g at w o m e n . I love b e i n g a b l e to see t h e m clearly. I particularly like b e i n g in t h e p o s i t i o n I a m in this very second, which is n o t l o o k i n g at Joyce, b u t r a t h e r t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e a m a z i n g fact t h a t I can look u p from this p a g e at any t i m e a n d stare at any p a r t of h e r t h a t calls o u t to m e for as l o n g as I want w i t h o u t t r o u b l i n g o r e m b a r r a s s i n g her. J o y c e d o e s n ' t wear glasses, b u t m y ex-girlfriend R h o d y d i d — a n d
somewhere
a l o n g t h e line I realized t h a t if I liked glasses o n w o m e n , w h i c h I d o very m u c h , m a y b e w o m e n w o u l d tolerate glasses 8
THE
FERMATA
o n m e . O n n a k e d w o m e n glasses work for m e t h e way spike heels o r a snake t a t t o o o r a n ankle b r a c e l e t o r a fake b e a u t y spot work for s o m e m e n — t h e y m a k e t h e n u d i t y p o p o u t at m e ; they m a k e t h e w o m a n s e e m m o r e n a k e d t h a n she w o u l d have s e e m e d if she were c o m p l e t e l y n a k e d . Also, I w a n t to b e very sure t h a t she c a n see every i n c h of my r i c h a r d with u t t e r clarity, a n d if she is w e a r i n g glasses I k n o w t h a t she c a n if she wants to. T h e d e c i d i n g m o m e n t really c a m e w h e n I s p e n t t h e n i g h t with a w o m a n , a n office m a n a g e r , w h o , I think anyway, h a d sex with m e s o o n e r t h a n she w a n t e d to simply to distract m e from n o t i c i n g t h e fact t h a t h e r c o n t a c t s were b o t h e r i n g h e r . It was very late, b u t I t h i n k she w a n t e d to talk for a while l o n g e r , a n d yet (this is my theory) she h u r r i e d to t h e sex b e c a u s e t h e e x t r e m e intimacy, to h e r way of t h i n k i n g , of a p p e a r i n g b e f o r e m e in h e r glasses was only possible after t h e less e x t r e m e intimacy of fucking m e . Several times as we talked I was o n t h e p o i n t of saying, since h e r eyes d i d look q u i t e u n h a p p i l y pink, "You w a n t to take o u t y o u r contacts? I'll take o u t m i n e . " B u t I didn't, b e c a u s e I t h o u g h t it m i g h t have a c o n d e s c e n d i n g sort of "I know everything a b o u t you, baby, y o u r b l o o d s h o t eyes give you away" quality. P r o b a b l y I s h o u l d have. A few days after that, t h o u g h , I r e s u m e d w e a r i n g m y glasses to work. My e r r o r r a t e d r o p p e d right b a c k d o w n . I was instantly h a p p i e r . I n particular, I r e c o g n i z e d t h e crucial i m p o r t a n c e of h i n g e s to my p l e a s u r e in life. W h e n I o p e n m y glasses in t h e m o r n i n g before t a k i n g a shower a n d g o i n g to work, I a m like a n excited tourist w h o has j u s t risen from his h o t e l b e d o n t h e first day of a vacation: I've j u s t flung o p e n a set of d o u b l e F r e n c h d o o r s leading o u t o n t o a sunlit b a l c o n y with a view of t h e e n t i r e w h a t e v e r — s h i p p i n g c o r r i d o r , bay, valley, p a r k i n g lot. ( H o w can p e o p l e n o t like views over m o t e l p a r k i n g lots in t h e early 9
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m o r n i n g ? T h e n e w s u b t l e r c a r colors, t h e b l u e - g r e e n s a n d w a r m e r grays, a n d t h e sense t h a t all those drivers are leveled in t h e d e m o c r a c y of sleep a n d t h a t t h e glass a n d h o o d s o u t t h e r e a r e cold a n d even dewy, m a k e for o n e of t h e m o r e i n s p i r i n g visions t h a t life c a n offer before n i n e o'clock.) O r m a y b e F r e n c h - d o o r - h i n g e s are n o t entirely it. M a y b e I think t h a t t h e h i n g e s of my glasses are a w o m a n ' s hip-sockets: h e r l o n g graceful legs o p e n a n d s t r a d d l e my h e a d all day. I asked R h o d y o n c e w h e t h e r she liked t h e tickling of my glassesframes o n t h e inside of h e r t h i g h s . S h e said, "Usually y o u r glasses a r e off by t h e n , a r e n ' t they?" I a d m i t t e d t h a t was true. S h e said she d i d n ' t like it w h e n I wore my glasses b e c a u s e she w a n t e d m y sense of h e r o p e n vadge to b e m o r e Sisley t h a n R i c h a r d Estes. " B u t I d o s o m e t i m e s like feeling y o u r ears h i g h o n m y t h i g h s , " she c o n c e d e d . " A n d if I c l a m p y o u r ears h a r d with my t h i g h s I c a n m a k e m o r e noise w i t h o u t feeling I ' m g e t t i n g o u t of h a n d . " R h o d y was a g o o d , g o o d p e r s o n , a n d I p r o b a b l y s h o u l d n o t have tried to a l l u d e even obliquely to my Fold e x p e r i e n c e s to her, since she f o u n d w h a t little I told h e r of F e r m a t i o n r e p e l l e n t ; h e r k n o w l e d g e of it c o n t r i b u t e d to our breakup. Well! I t h i n k I have established t h a t t h e r e is a n e m o t i o n a l history to m y w e a r i n g of glasses. So in saying t h a t she liked t h e m , tall J o y c e — w h o as I sit t y p i n g this towers above m e now in a state of semi-nudity—was definitely saying t h e right t h i n g if she was i n t e r e s t e d in g e t t i n g to my h e a r t , which she p r o b a bly wasn't. Y o u have to b e e x t r e m e l y careful a b o u t compli m e n t i n g a thirty-five-year-old m a l e t e m p w h o has achieved n o t h i n g in his life. " H i , I ' m t h e t e m p ! " T h a t ' s usually what I say to r e c e p t i o n i s t s o n m y first day of a n a s s i g n m e n t ; that's the w o r d I use, b e c a u s e it's t h e w o r d everyone uses, t h o u g h it was a l o n g t i m e b e f o r e I s t o p p e d t h i n k i n g t h a t it was a horrible 10
THE
FERMATA
abbreviation, worse t h a n " F r i s c o . " I have b e e n a t e m p for over ten years, ever since I q u i t g r a d u a t e school. T h e r e a s o n I have d o n e n o t h i n g with my life is simply t h a t my p o w e r to e n t e r t h e Fold (or " h i t t h e c l u t c h " o r "find t h e Cleft" o r " t a k e a p e r sonal d a y " o r "instigate a n E s t o p p e l " ) c o m e s a n d goes. I value t h e ability, which I suspect is n o t w i d e s p r e a d , b u t b e cause I d o n ' t have it consistently, b e c a u s e it fades w i t h o u t w a r n i n g a n d d o e s n ' t r e t u r n u n t i l m o n t h s o r years later, I've gotten h o o k e d i n t o a sort of d a m a g i n g b o o m - a n d - b u s t K o n dratieff cycle. W h e n I've lost t h e power, I simply exist, I d o t h e m i n i m u m I have to d o to m a k e a living, b e c a u s e I k n o w t h a t in a sense everything I w a n t to a c c o m p l i s h ( a n d l a m a p e r s o n with ambitions) is infinitely p o s t p o n a b l e . As a r o u g h estimate, I t h i n k I have p r o b a b l y s p e n t only a total of two years of p e r s o n a l t i m e in t h e Fold, if you l u m p t h e individual m i n u t e s o r h o u r s t o g e t h e r , m a y b e even less; b u t they have b e e n s o m e of t h e best, m o s t alive times I've h a d . My life r e m i n d s m e of t h e capital-gains tax p r o b l e m , as I o n c e r e a d a b o u t it in a n o p - e d piece: if legislators k e e p c h a n g i n g , o r even p r o m i s i n g to c h a n g e , t h e capital-gains p e r c e n t a g e s , r e p e a l i n g a n d r e i n s t a t i n g t h e tax, t h e r a t i o n a l investor will begin to base his i n v e s t m e n t decisions n o t o n t h e existing tax laws, b u t o n his certainty of c h a n g e , w h i c h m i s c h a n n e l s ( t h e p e r s o n w h o wrote t h e o p - e d piece convincingly a r g u e d ) in s o m e destructive way t h e circulation of capital. So t o o with m e d u r i n g those p e r i o d s w h e n I wait for t h e r e t u r n of my ability to stop time: I think, Why s h o u l d I r e a d E r n e s t R e n a n o r l e a r n m a t r i x a l g e b r a now, since w h e n I ' m a b l e to D r o p again, I'll b e able to s p e n d private h o u r s , o r even years, satisfying any fleet i n g intellectual curiosity while t h e w h o l e world waits for m e ? I can always c a t c h u p . T h a t ' s t h e p r o b l e m . P e o p l e are s o m e w h a t p u z z l e d by m e w h e n I first show u p at 11
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e i r office—What is this u n y o u n g m a n , this thirty-five-yearold m a n , d o i n g t e m p i n g ? Maybe h e h a s a c r i m i n a l past, o r m a y b e h e ' s lost a d e c a d e to d r u g s , or: Maybe H e ' s a n Artist? B u t after a day o r two, they adjust, since I a m a fairly efficient a n d g o o d - n a t u r e d typist, familiar with m o s t of t h e c o m m o n l y u s e d kinds of software ( a n d s o m e of t h e f o r g o t t e n kinds too, like nroff, Lanier, a n d N B I , a n d t h e g o o d old d e d i c a t e d DEC systems with t h e g o l d key), a n d I a m u n u s u a l l y g o o d at read i n g difficult h a n d w r i t i n g a n d s u p p l y i n g p u n c t u a t i o n for dic tators w h o in t h e i r creative e x c i t e m e n t forget. O n c e in a great while I use my F o l d - p o w e r s to a m a z e everyone with my a p p a r e n t t y p i n g speed, t r a n s c r i b i n g a t w o - h o u r t a p e in o n e h o u r a n d t h a t k i n d of t h i n g . B u t I ' m careful n o t to a m a z e t o o often a n d b e c o m e a t e m p l e g e n d , since this is my great secret a n d I d o n ' t w a n t to i m p e r i l it—this is t h e o n e t h i n g t h a t m a k e s my life w o r t h living. W h e n s o m e of t h e m o r e intelligent p e o p l e in a given office ask little p r o b i n g l y polite q u e s t i o n s to try to figure m e o u t , I often lie a n d tell t h e m t h a t I ' m a writer. It is a l m o s t funny to see h o w relieved they are to have a way of e x p l a i n i n g m y lowly work status to themselves. N o r is it so m u c h of a lie, b e c a u s e if I h a d n o t wasted so m u c h of my life w a i t i n g for t h e n e x t F e r m a t a - p h a s e to c o m e a l o n g I would very likely have written s o m e sort of a b o o k by now. A n d I have written a few s h o r t e r t h i n g s . I ' m t y p i n g this o n a p o r t a b l e electronic typewriter because I d o n ' t w a n t to risk p u t t i n g any of it o n t h e b a n k ' s LAN. Local a r e a networks b e h a v e erratically in t h e Fold. W h e n my carpalt u n n e l p r o b l e m gets b a d , I u s e a m a n u a l for my private writ ing; it s e e m s to h e l p . B u t I d o n ' t have to: batteries a n d electricity do f u n c t i o n in t h e F o l d — i n fact, all t h e laws of physics still o b t a i n , as far as I c a n tell, b u t only to the extent t h a t I r e a w a k e n t h e m . T h e best way to describe it is t h a t right 12
THE
FERMATA
now, b e c a u s e I have s n a p p e d my fingers, every event every where is in a state of gel-like s u s p e n s i o n . I c a n m o v e , a n d t h e air molecules p a r t to let m e t h r o u g h , b u t they d o it resistingly, reluctantly, a n d t h e f a r t h e r t h a t objects a r e from m e , t h e m o r e t h o r o u g h l y they are p a u s e d . If s o m e o n e was riding a m o t o r c y cle d o w n a hill before I s t o p p e d t i m e " h a l f a n h o u r " a g o , t h e rider will r e m a i n m o t i o n l e s s o n his vehicle unless I walk u p to h i m a n d give h i m a p u s h — i n w h i c h case h e will fall d o w n , b u t somewhat m o r e slowly t h a n if h e fell in a n u n p a u s e d universe. H e w o n ' t take off d o w n t h e hill at t h e s p e e d h e was r i d i n g , h e will j u s t tip over. I u s e d to b e t e m p t e d to fly small a i r p l a n e s in the Fold, b u t I ' m n o t t h a t stupid. Flight, t h o u g h , is definitely possible, as is t h e p a u s i n g of t i m e o n a n a i r p l a n e flight. T h e world stays h a l t e d exactly as it is e x c e p t w h e r e I m e s s with it, a n d for t h e m o s t p a r t I try to b e as u n o b t r u s i v e as possible—as unobtrusive as my lusts let m e b e . T h i s typewriter, for in stance, p u t s w h a t I type o n t h e p a g e b e c a u s e t h e act of press i n g a letter m a k e s cause a n d effect f u n c t i o n locally. A circuit is c o m p l e t e d , a little electricity d r i b b l e s from t h e batteries, etc. I honestly d o n ' t know h o w far o u t w a r d m y p e r s o n a l distor tion of t h e t e m p o r a r y timelessness t h a t I c r e a t e m e a s u r a b l y spreads. I d o know t h a t d u r i n g a F e r m a t a a w o m a n ' s skin feels soft where it is soft, w a r m w h e n it is w a r m — h e r sweat feels w a r m w h e n it is w a r m . It's a sort of reverse Midas t o u c h t h a t I have while in t h e F o l d — t h e world is i n e r t a n d s t a t u e s q u e until I t o u c h it a n d m a k e it live ordinarily. I h a d this idea of writing my life story while within a typical chronanistic e x p e r i e n c e j u s t yesterday. It's a l m o s t i n c r e d i b l e to t h i n k t h a t I've b e e n D r o p p i n g since f o u r t h g r a d e a n d yet I've never m a d e t h e effort to write a b o u t it right while it was g o i n g o n . I k e p t a n a b b r e v i a t e d l o g for a while in h i g h s c h o o l a n d c o l l e g e — d a t e a n d t i m e of D r o p , w h a t I did, h o w l o n g in 13
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p e r s o n a l m i n u t e s o r h o u r s o r days it took (for a watch usually starts u p a g a i n in t h e Fold if I shake it, so I c a n easily m e a s u r e h o w l o n g I have b e e n o u t ) , w h e t h e r I l e a r n e d a n y t h i n g new o r n o t , a n d so o n . Y o u w o u l d think, if a p e r s o n really c o u l d stop t h e w o r l d a n d get off, as I c a n , t h a t it w o u l d o c c u r to h i m fairly early o n to s t o p t h e world in o r d e r to r e c o r d with s o m e care w h a t it felt like to s t o p t h e world a n d get off, for t h e benefit of t h e c u r i o u s . B u t I n o w see, even this far i n t o my first a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l F e r m a t a , why I never did it before. Sad to say, it is j u s t as h a r d to write d u r i n g a F e r m a t i o n as it is in real t i m e . Y o u still m u s t d o l e o u t all t h e t h i n g s you have to say o n e by o n e , w h e n w h a t y o u w a n t of c o u r s e is to say t h e m all at o n c e . B u t I a m g o i n g to give it a try. I a m thirty-five now, a n d I have d o n e q u i t e a lot of t h i n g s , mostly b a d , with t h e Fold's h e l p ( i n c l u d i n g , incidentally, r e c i t i n g Dylan T h o m a s ' s " P o e m o n H i s B i r t h d a y " a p p a r e n t l y from m e m o r y at t h e final session of a class in m o d e r n lyric p o e t r y in college: it is a longish p o e m , a n d w h e n e v e r nervousness m a d e m e forget a line, I j u s t p a u s e d t h e world by p r e s s i n g t h e switch of my T i m e Perv e r t e r — w h i c h is w h a t I called t h e modified
garage-door
o p e n e r t h a t I u s e d in t h o s e d a y s — a n d refreshed my m e m o r y by l o o k i n g at a c o p y of t h e text t h a t I h a d in my n o t e b o o k , a n d n o o n e was t h e w i s e r ) — a n d if I d o n ' t write s o m e of these private a d v e n t u r e s d o w n now, I know I ' m g o i n g to regret it. J u s t n o w I s p u n a r o u n d o n c e in my c h a i r in o r d e r to sur prise myself a g a i n with t h e sight of Joyce's p u b i c hair. It really is a m a z i n g to m e t h a t I c a n d o this, even after all these years. S h e was walking a b o u t thirty feet from my desk, across an e m p t y stretch of space, carrying s o m e p a p e r s , o n h e r way to s o m e o n e ' s c u b e , a n d my gaze j u s t l a u n c h e d toward her, div i n g cleanly, w i t h o u t ripples, t h r o u g h t h e glasses t h a t she h a d c o m p l i m e n t e d , t a k i n g h e a r t from h a v i n g to pass t h r o u g h the 14
THE
FERMATA
optical influence of s o m e t h i n g she h a d n o t i c e d a n d liked. It was as if I traveled a l o n g t h e arc of my sight a n d r e a c h e d h e r visually. ( T h e r e is definitely s o m e t h i n g to t h o s e medieval theories of sight t h a t h a d t h e eye s e n d i n g o u t rays.) A n d j u s t as my sighted self r e a c h e d her, she s t o p p e d walking for a second, to check s o m e t h i n g o n o n e of t h e p a p e r s she h e l d , a n d w h e n she l o o k e d d o w n I was struck by t h e s i m p l e fact t h a t today h e r h a i r is braided. It is a r r a n g e d in w h a t I t h i n k is called a F r e n c h b r a i d . E a c h of t h e solid c l u m p s of h e r h a i r feeds i n t o t h e overall solidity of t h e braid, a n d t h e w h o l e s t r u c t u r e is p l a i t e d as p a r t of h e r h e a d , like a set of glossy e x t e r n a l v e r t e b r a e . I ' m i m p r e s s e d t h a t w o m e n are a b l e to a r r a n g e this sort of c o m p l i c a t e d fig u r e , w i t h o u t t o o m a n y stray strands, w i t h o u t h e l p , in t h e m o r n i n g , by feel. W o m e n a r e m u c h m o r e in t o u c h with t h e backs of themselves t h a n m e n are: they c a n r e a c h h i g h e r u p o n t h e i r back, a n d d o so daily to u n f a s t e n bras; they c a n clip a n d b r a i d t h e i r hair; they c a n k e e p t h e i r r e a r w a r d blouse-tails smoothly t u c k e d i n t o t h e i r skirts. T h e y give t h o u g h t to h o w t h e edges of t h e i r u n d e r p a n t s look t h r o u g h t h e i r pocketless p a n t s from t h e back. ( " P a n t i e s " is a w o r d to b e avoided, I feel.) B u t F r e n c h braids, in which t h r e e s p o r t i n g d o l p h i n s d i p smoothly u n d e r o n e a n o t h e r a n d surface in a c o n t i n u o u s e l e g a n t e n t r a i n m e n t , a r e t h e m o s t beautiful a n d impressive results of this sense of dorsal space. As s o o n as I saw J o y c e ' s braid I knew t h a t it was t i m e to s t o p t i m e . I n e e d e d to feel h e r solid braid, a n d h e r h e a d b e n e a t h it, in m y p a l m . So, j u s t as she started walking again, I s n a p p e d m y
fingers.
This is my latest m e t h o d of e n t e r i n g t h e Fold, a n d o n e of t h e simpler I have b e e n able to d e v e l o p ( m u c h m o r e straightfor ward t h a n my earlier m a t h e m a t i c a l - f o r m u l a t e c h n i q u e , o r t h e sewn calluses, for instance, b o t h of w h i c h I will get i n t o l a t e r ) . 15
NICHOLSON
BAKER
S h e d i d n ' t h e a r t h e s n a p , only I d i d — t h e universe halts at s o m e i n d e t e r m i n a t e p o i n t j u s t before m y m i d d l e finger swats a g a i n s t t h e b a s e of m y t h u m b . I got o u t my Casio typewriter a n d s c o o t e d over h e r e to h e r o n my chair. (I d i d n ' t scoot backwards, I s c o o t e d frontwards, which isn't easy to d o over c a r p e t i n g , b e c a u s e it is h a r d to get t h e p r o p e r traction. I w a n t e d to k e e p m y eyes o n her.) S h e was in mid-stride. I r e a c h e d forward a n d p u t m y h a n d s o n h e r h i p b o n e s . It felt as if t h e r e were c a s h m e r e o r s o m e t h i n g fancy in t h e wool, a n d it was g o o d to feel h e r h i p b o n e s t h r o u g h t h a t soft material, a n d to see m y h a n d s a n g l i n g to follow t h e incurve of h e r waist, w h i c h t h e dress h a d to a n e x t e n t h i d d e n . S o m e t i m e s w h e n I first t o u c h a w o m a n in t h e Fold I tense u p my a r m s u n t i l they vibrate, so t h a t t h e s h a p e of whatever is u n d e r m y p a l m s keeps o n b e i n g sent t h r o u g h m y nerves as new i n f o r m a t i o n . I never k n o w exactly w h a t I will d o d u r i n g a D r o p . T o get h e r dress o u t of t h e way, I lifted its soft h e m u p over h e r hips a n d g a t h e r e d it i n t o two wingy b u n c h e s a n d tied a b i g soft k n o t with t h e m . It h a d s e e m e d as if she h a d a tiny potbelly with t h e dress o n (this c a n b e a sexy t o u c h , I think, o n s o m e w o m e n ) , b u t if she h a d , it d i s a p p e a r e d o r lost definition as s o o n as I p u l l e d h e r p a n t y - h o s e a n d u n d e r p a n t s d o w n as far as I c o u l d get t h e m , w h i c h w a s n ' t t h a t far b e c a u s e h e r legs were walkingly a p a r t . (Also, before I p u l l e d d o w n h e r p a n t y h o s e , which is a smoky-blue color, I t o u c h e d a n oval of h e r skin t h r o u g h a r u n in t h e d a r k e r p a r t h i g h o n h e r thigh.) A n d t h e n I was given this sight t h a t I have before m e now, of h e r p u b i c hair. I ' m n o t n o r m a l l y a p u b i c - h a i r obsessive—I really have n o o n g o i n g fetishes, I d o n ' t think, b e c a u s e e a c h w o m a n is dif ferent, a n d y o u n e v e r k n o w w h a t p a r t i c u l a r feature o r transi t i o n b e t w e e n features is g o i n g to g r a b you a n d say, " L o o k at this—you've n e v e r t h o u g h t a b o u t exactly this before!" Each 16
THE
FERMATA
w o m a n inspires h e r own fetishes. A n d it isn't t h a t J o y c e h a s s o m e l u d i c r o u s Vagi-fro o r massive Koosh-ball e x p l o s i o n of a sex-goatee—in fact h e r h a i r isn't thicker really t h a n most. It's j u s t t h a t it covers a wider area, m a y b e , a n d its blackness spar kles, if you will—its c u r v i n g b o r d e r r e a c h e s a little h i g h e r o n h e r s t o m a c h . A little?—what a m I saying? It's t h e size of S o u t h America. T o t h i n k t h a t I c o u l d have d i e d a n d n o t seen t h i s — t h a t I c o u l d have picked a different t e m p a s s i g n m e n t w h e n J e n n y , my c o o r d i n a t o r , told m e m y choices a few weeks a g o . W h a t is exciting a b o u t its e x t e n t is m a y b e that, b e c a u s e it reaches h i g h e r t h a n o t h e r w o m e n ' s p u b i c hair, it b e c o m e s less a n d m o r e sexual at t h e s a m e t i m e — t h e s l a n g for it, like "pussy h a i r " a n d " c u n t h a i r " (I flinch at b o t h t h o s e words, e x c e p t w h e n I ' m close to c o m i n g ) , d o e s n ' t apply b e c a u s e it is n o longer, strictly s p e a k i n g , " p u b i c " h a i r at all—its b o r d e r s are r e a c h i n g o u t i n t o soft a b d o m i n a l love-areas, so love a n d sex mix. I w a n t e d to feel it, t h e d e n s e sisaly lush resilience of it, which m a k e s t h a t w h o l e h i p p y p a r t of h e r b o d y look e x t r a o r dinarily graceful. It is a k i n d of black cocktail dress u n d e r which h e r clit-heart beats—it has t h a t m u c h
dignity.
B u t r a t h e r t h a n h o l d i n g it immediately, I d e p r i v e d myself of t h e sight of it for a little while a n d i n s t e a d gently p l a c e d my h a n d o n h e r braid, w h i c h was cool a n d thick a n d s m o o t h a n d dense, a totally different i d e a of hair, so different t h a t it is s t r a n g e to t h i n k of t h e two o r d e r s of h a i r as s h a r i n g t h e s a m e word, b u t which follows t h e curve of h e r h e a d in t h e s a m e way t h a t h e r p u b i c h a i r follows t h e curve over h e r m o u n d - b o n e , a n d w h e n I felt t h e F r e n c h - b r a i d s e n s a t i o n sinking i n t o t h e hollow of my p a l m , which craves sexual s h a p e s a n d t e x t u r e s , I t h e n went a h e a d a n d c u r l e d t h e fingers of m y o t h e r h a n d t h r o u g h h e r devil's food fur, c o n n e c t i n g t h e two kinky h a n d fuls of h o m e - g r o w n p r o t e i n with my a r m s , a n d it felt as if I 17
NICHOLSON
BAKER
were h o t - w i r i n g a car; my h e a r t ' s twin c a r b u r e t o r s r o a r e d into life. T h a t ' s all I did, t h e n I started typing this before I forgot t h e feeling. Maybe t h a t ' s all I will d o . T h a t sexy, sexy p u b i c hair! I ' m n o t i c i n g n o w t h a t its c o n t o u r s are similar to those of a black bicycle seat: a black l e a t h e r seat o n a r a c i n g bicycle. M a y b e this is why t h o s e sad sniffers of c o m i c l e g e n d sniff girls' bicycle seats? N o , for t h e m it isn't t h e s h a p e , it's t h e fact t h a t t h e seat h a s b e e n b e t w e e n a girl's legs. T h e y are truly p a t h e t i c . I have n o s y m p a t h y to s p a r e for c o m p u l s i o n s o t h e r t h a n my own. I would, t h o u g h , like to rescue t h e c o r r e s p o n d e n c e be tween p u b i c h a i r a n d n a r r o w black-leather bicycle seats from them. All right, I t h i n k t h a t is e n o u g h for now. I've b e e n in the Fold for, let's see, a l m o s t f o u r h o u r s a n d written e i g h t singles p a c e d p a g e s , a n d t h e p r o b l e m is t h a t if I stay in t o o l o n g I'll have j e t l a g t o m o r r o w , since a c c o r d i n g to my i n n e r clock it will b e f o u r h o u r s later t h a n it is. Usually I d o n ' t s p e n d nearly this l o n g in a D r o p . I a m g o i n g to p u t Joyce's clothes back in o r d e r a n d s m o o t h o u t h e r dress (I w o u l d never have tied a k n o t in it if s h e wore a c o t t o n dress, b e c a u s e t h e wrinkles w o u l d show u p t o o m u c h a n d puzzle h e r ) a n d I ' m g o i n g to scoot b a c k to my desk a n d finish o u t t h e day. T h e g o o d t h i n g is t h a t if she b r i n g s m e a t a p e to d o later this afternoon, I will b e m u c h m o r e r e l a x e d a n d t h e r e f o r e likable t h a n if I h a d n ' t partially s t r i p p e d h e r w i t h o u t h e r k n o w l e d g e o r consent. I will j e s t knowingly a n d winningly with her. I will c o m p l i m e n t h e r o n today's scarf—which isn't, honestly, q u i t e as nice as the Cyrillic o n e . (Maybe w h e n she was g e t t i n g dressed this m o r n i n g she p u t o n this knit dress a n d t h e n r e m e m b e r e d t h a t I h a d a d m i r e d h e r scarf, a n d m a y b e she t h o u g h t t h a t wear i n g it a g a i n as well w o u l d b e t o o direct a Yes from her; b u t t h e n a g a i n m a y b e t h e r e a s o n she was w e a r i n g t h e dress this 18
THE
FERMATA
soon a g a i n was t h a t she h a d liked my c o m p l i m e n t i n g h e r o n h e r scarf a n d w a n t e d to a l l u d e to t h a t c o m p l i m e n t indirectly by w e a r i n g t h e s a m e dress with a n o t h e r scarf.) T h i s n e w o n e is a Liberty p a t t e r n of p u r p l y grays a n d g r e e n s , definitely worth smiling at a n d even a c k n o w l e d g i n g o u t r i g h t . B u t I d o n ' t w a n t to get i n t o o n e of t h o s e awful r u n n i n g - c o m p l i m e n t p a t t e r n s , w h e r e I have to m e n t i o n h e r scarves every t i m e she wears o n e . T h e o t h e r t h i n g I s h o u l d say is t h a t u n d e r n o r m a l c i r c u m stances I w o u l d p r o b a b l y give serious t h o u g h t to " p o a c h i n g a n e g g " at this p o i n t , b u t b e c a u s e I have written all this, a n d because this is, I believe, g o i n g to b e t h e very b e g i n n i n g of a sort of a u t o b i o g r a p h y , I c a n ' t . W h a t a surprise, t h o u g h , to find this Casio typewriter a c t i n g as c h a p e r o n ! (Maybe w h a t I will d o is go a h e a d , b u t n o t m e n t i o n it.)
19
2
WAS
BORN
WITH
A KNOT
IN
MY UMBILICAL
CORD,
A
SIMPLE
p r e t z e l k n o t . I d o u b t t h a t this fact of m y b i r t h has a n y t h i n g to d o with m y l a t e r c h r o n a n i s m s , b u t I will p u t it d o w n h e r e j u s t in case it d o e s . I a m p r o u d of h a v i n g set i m m e d i a t e l y to work a r t - n o u v e a u i n g t h e f u n c t i o n a l furnishings of my i n t r a u t e r i n e d e a n e r y . S o m e h o w I was able to form a l o o p a n d t h e n swim right
t h r o u g h it. I tied a k n o t in myself. Like m a n y child
p r o d i g i e s , however, I fizzled early. T h e F e r m a t a , first unfold i n g itself for m e in f o u r t h g r a d e , has b e e n a lifelong distrac tion. I have w a n t e d to k e e p it a secret, a n d as a result it has swallowed u p l a r g e c h u n k s of my personality. B u t I h o p e that will c h a n g e now. 20
THE
FERMATA
O n c e , following a l o n g lull, I f o u n d a way to g e t b a c k i n t o the Fold five o r six times after I s m a s h e d m y h e a d i n t o a p a r k i n g m e t e r in P h i l a d e l p h i a . I was t h i r t e e n o r f o u r t e e n . W e were staying at t h e Barclay H o t e l ; as a t r e a t I was allowed t o d r i n k s o m e w a t e r e d - d o w n wine with l u n c h . I d r a n k m o r e of it t h a n t h e adults knew a n d f o u n d myself a c t i n g wild a n d flaily o n t h e street d u r i n g o u r a f t e r n o o n walk. I r a n a h e a d , h i d between two cars, i n t e n d i n g to s p r i n g o u t o n everyone. I sprang, s h o u t i n g , " B o o ! " B u t m y m o u t h a n d t h e side of m y face m e t a p a r k i n g m e t e r t h a t I h a d f o r g o t t e n was t h e r e . T h e collision m a d e a n e n o r m o u s b o n y s o u n d in m y h e a d . T h e m e ter h a d only a m i n u t e o r two left, I n o t i c e d , s t a g g e r i n g ; t h e r e d t h o u g h t - b a l l o o n saying
EXPIRED
was j u s t a b o u t to d a w n . I saw
a p a t t e r n of s q u i r m i n g d i a m o n d s t h a t w o u l d have m a d e very nice W i e n e r Werkstatte w r a p p i n g p a p e r . Twenty m i n u t e s later, as t h e b e d m a d e sloppy figure eights a r o u n d t h e h o t e l r o o m (where I h a d b e e n left to convalesce), I p i n c h e d m y swollen lip a n d n o t i c e d t h a t all traffic noise s t o p p e d . I realized I was in t h e Fold. I walked downstairs to t h e m o t i o n l e s s h o t e l b a r a n d b a c k to t h e k i t c h e n a n d ate two h u g e s h r i m p t h a t a motionless c o o k o r cook's h e l p e r h e l d as h e a r r a n g e d a s h r i m p cocktail. I was a m a z e d at h o w g o o d t h e cocktail s a u c e tasted. I sucked o n a piece of lime a n d t h r e w it o u t in a c a n b e h i n d t h e bar. I felt steadied. I w e n t o u t i n t o t h e lobby a n d sat d o w n n e x t to a w o m a n o n a c o u c h a n d s m e l l e d t h e collar of h e r coat deeply. At first I t h o u g h t it smelled like pickles, a n d t h e n I realized t h a t it smelled like c i g a r e t t e s m o k e , a n d I was very surprised to t h i n k t h a t pickles a n d cigarette s m o k e were allied smells. (Is t h a t w h a t p e o p l e m e a n by a " s o u r " smell?) T h e n I w e n t b a c k u p s t a i r s a n d p i n c h e d m y lip a g a i n the s a m e way I h a d , a little to t h e right of c e n t e r , u n t i l it h u r t a lot, to t u r n t h e Barclay H o t e l a n d t h e rest of t h e p l a n e t b a c k 21
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o n , a n d I w e n t to sleep. I still feel b a d a b o u t stealing those s h r i m p — n o t only b e c a u s e of t h e theft, b u t b e c a u s e the k i t c h e n h e l p e r m a y to this day b e t r o u b l e d by t h a t bit of s t r a n g e n e s s all t h o s e years a g o , w h e n h e h a d h e l d o n e in each h a n d and h a d t h e m suddenly disappear. T h e r e — t h a t was a typical early D r o p . I know t h a t I c o u l d p r o b a b l y m a k e m u c h b e t t e r u s e of my gift t h a n I d o . F o r m e it is j u s t a sexual aid. O t h e r s m i g h t p u t it to fuller avaricious o r intellectual use: g o v e r n m e n t secrets, technological espio n a g e , etc. Surely over t h e c e n t u r i e s a few individuals have d e v e l o p e d this ability a n d u s e d it to c o n s o l i d a t e p o w e r o r to l i q u i d a t e e n e m i e s . J. S. B a c h , for instance, c o u l d n o t have c r a n k e d o u t a c a n t a t a a week w i t h o u t s o m e sort of t e m p o r a l trickery: h e was p r o b a b l y seventy-five w h e n h e died, n o t sixtyfive, b u t h e h a d b o r r o w e d t h e last d e c a d e of his life a n d used it u p p i e c e m e a l in earlier D r o p s . I was r e a d i n g C a r d a n o ' s a u t o b i o g r a p h y n o t l o n g a g o , t o see h o w o n e is s u p p o s e d to write o n e ' s a u t o b i o g r a p h y (it's h a r d e r t h a n I t h o u g h t ! ) , a n d I h a d a suspicion at o n e p o i n t t h a t h e h a d discovered a way i n t o t h e Fold, b u t was n o t g o i n g to reveal t h a t fact to us. S o m e t h i n g h e said a b o u t p r e f e r r i n g solitude is w h a t alerted m e . H e said, " I q u e s t i o n t h e right of a n y o n e to waste o u r time. T h e w a s t i n g of t i m e is a n a b o m i n a t i o n . " I n my place, s o m e w o u l d toggle t i m e a n d c h e a t o n t h e i r P h . D . orals o r simply take m o n e y from o p e n c a s h registers. C h e a t i n g a n d stealing don't tempt me, though. O r m a y b e I j u s t t h i n k it is w r o n g to c h e a t a n d steal a n d so d o n ' t d o it. W h e n I was d e s p e r a t e for m o n e y a few years ago a n d I f o u n d a way to d r o p i n t o t h e Fold by writing a certain m a t h e m a t i c a l f o r m u l a o n a scrap of p a p e r , I gave serious t h o u g h t to walking a r o u n d t h e city stealing o n e d o l l a r from every o p e n cash register. It w o u l d have t a k e n m e m o n t h s to 22
THE
FERMATA
amass a few t h o u s a n d dollars, so I w o u l d have w o r k e d for m y loot in a sense, a n d I w o u l d have b e e n stealing a trifling a m o u n t from e a c h business. B u t I f o u n d t h a t t h e r e was s o m e t h i n g h o r r i b l e a b o u t t h e sensation of p u l l i n g a d o l l a r bill t h a t was n o t m i n e from u n d e r t h a t springy c l a m p t h a t h e l d it d o w n with its own species. T h e r e was misery in it, n o t e x c i t e m e n t . I was b e h i n d t h e glove c o u n t e r at Filene's trying to steal m y very first d o l l a r a n d I c o u l d n o t d o it. I n s t e a d , I s t o o d b e h i n d t h e motionless glove salesperson, a w o m a n of twenty o r so, very close to her, a n d s q u e e z e d h e r h a r d , so t h a t I fancied I c o u l d feel t h e tiny cysts in h e r breasts as well as t h e ribs b e n e a t h h e r shirt. (I always find t h a t it is g o o d for m e to h u g a w o m a n like this b e c a u s e w h e n I feel h e r ribs I k n o w she is h u m a n . Ribs inspire pity a n d t e n d e r n e s s a n d t h e sense t h a t we are all in t h e s a m e s p a r r e d boat.) S h e was a n Italian w o m a n , I think, w h o looked as if she h a d t a k e n a few courses in b e a u t y school a n d h a d h a d h e r n a t u r a l esthetic sense injured by t h e e x p e r i e n c e . She wore a b i g e n g a g e m e n t ring with a n o b l o n g d i a m o n d . She was a p e r s o n w h o w o u l d never b e physically a t t r a c t e d to a p e r s o n like m e , j u s t as I w o u l d never b e physically a t t r a c t e d by a p e r s o n like her. T h i s total i n c o m p a t i b i l i t y m a d e m e a b l e to feel a s u r g e of m o m e n t a r y sympathy for h e r w h i c h was almost like a n infatuation. I p u s h e d t h e d i a m o n d o n h e r finger b a c k a n d forth. ( H e r nails were c u t short, b u t p o l i s h e d — p e r h a p s s h o r t b e c a u s e she liked trying o n t h e gloves she sold?) T h e n I s l i p p e d h e r e n g a g e m e n t ring off a n d l o o k e d t h r o u g h it. It said 1 4 K o n t h e inside. O n a whim, I knelt a n d h e l d h e r h a n d a n d s l i p p e d t h e ring gently b a c k o n . "Will y o u ? " I said. I h a d n o t b e e n aware before t h a t m o m e n t of t h e straightforward e r o g e n o u s n e s s of a ring: it suddenly o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t t h e sides of t h e fingers are sensitive in a n u p p e r - t h i g h sort of way, a n d t h a t t h e sin23
NICHOLSON
BAKER
gling o u t of t h a t f o u r t h v u l n e r a b l e shy finger, the p l a n e t N e p t u n e of fingers, which otherwise gets n o u n i q u e t r e a t m e n t in life a n d d o e s very little o n its own e x c e p t c o n t r o l t h e C o n t h e h i g h school clarinet o r type t h e n u m b e r two a n d t h e letter X, to b e h e l d a n d gently s t i m u l a t e d forever by a n expensive circle of gold is really q u i t e surprisingly sexual. T h e resistance of this Filene's w o m a n ' s s l e n d e r finger-joint, w h e r e h e r skin b u n c h e d m o m e n t a r i l y before giving way a n d allowing the b a n d I h e l d to slide h o m e , was in a n inverted way like t h e m o m e n t of resistance o r dry f u m b l i n g before t h e g r o o m ' s u n p r a c t i c e d richard m o v e d s m o o t h l y in. G e t t i n g e n g a g e d was t h u s a n obscenity. "If you fingerfuck this r i n g for m e now, d a r l i n g , I vow t h a t I will fuck you regularly for t h e rest of your life." T h a t ' s basically t h e a r r a n g e m e n t . Why d o e s it take m e so l o n g to u n d e r s t a n d s u c h obvious things, things everyone else p r o b a b l y picks u p o n right away? A n o t h e r m o r e p e r t i n e n t q u e s t i o n m i g h t b e , If I t h i n k that it is w r o n g to steal a d o l l a r bill from a n o p e n cash register, a n d if I feel guilty a b o u t stealing two fresh s h r i m p from a hotel r e s t a u r a n t , why d o n ' t I have q u a l m s a b o u t h u g g i n g a n other wise e n g a g e d glove saleswoman at Filene's? She d o e s n ' t know m e ; she d o e s n ' t k n o w t h a t I ' m h u g g i n g h e r a n d m o c k - p r o p o s i n g to h e r . D o I really t h i n k I have t h e right to hike Joyce's wool dress u p a r o u n d h e r h i p s a n d tie a k n o t in it? H o w can I b e s u r e t h a t she w o u l d w a n t m e to have my fingers in h e r p u b i c hair? T h e q u e s t i o n of my w r o n g d o i n g is a fair o n e , b u t I ' m g o i n g to table it for t h e t i m e b e i n g a n d instead sketch in a few m o r e of m y early Fold e x p e r i e n c e s — n o t b e c a u s e they will e x p l a i n a n y t h i n g , b u t b e c a u s e w h e n I try to i m a g i n e de f e n d i n g my actions verbally I find t h a t they are indefensible, a n d I d o n ' t w a n t to k n o w that. I honestly d o n o t feel as if I have d o n e a n y t h i n g w r o n g . I have never deliberately caused 24
THE
FERMATA
a n y o n e a n g u i s h . I n fact I have with t h e Fold's h e l p saved a few w o m e n from small e m b a r r a s s m e n t s , a d j u s t i n g t h e occasional awry slip before a n i m p o r t a n t sales m e e t i n g a n d p u s h i n g a vagrant u n d e r w i r e in a b r a b a c k in p l a c e , t h a t k i n d of t h i n g . I m e a n well. B u t I know t h a t m e a n i n g well is n o t any k i n d of satisfactory defense. I first s t o p p e d t i m e b e c a u s e I liked m y f o u r t h - g r a d e t e a c h er, Miss Dobzhansky, a n d w a n t e d to see h e r with fewer clothes o n . She m i g h t n o t s e e m beautiful to m e now, b u t I certainly t h o u g h t she was beautiful t h e n . Everyone did. S h e h a d s h o r t e r h a i r t h a n was u s u a l for e l e m e n t a r y - s c h o o l t e a c h e r s in 1 9 6 7 , a n d she was a n e n t h u s i a s t of stop-sign-red lipstick—she m u s t have w o r n d o w n a stick every fortnight, so full were h e r lips. She also h a d o n e of t h o s e wide soft t o n g u e s t h a t j u s t n a t u r a l l y like to rest a little way o u t of t h e d o o r s t e p of t h e m o u t h , b e y o n d t h e teeth. ( N o t t h a t it lolled!) S h e always smiled with h e r m o u t h o p e n . S h e wore l o n g , d r o o p y , soft-looking navyb l u e c a r d i g a n sweaters over sleeveless dresses. I listened to h e r with g r e a t a t t e n t i o n as she d e s c r i b e d t h e system of locks o n a n i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y c a n a l a n d t h e I n d i a n t e c h n i q u e of m a n u facturing a d u g o u t c a n o e . I n s h a r p c o n t r a s t to Mrs. Blakey, my t a l e n t e d a n d d e m a n d i n g t h i r d - g r a d e t e a c h e r , w h o s e loose arm-flesh flapped a r o u n d in c h a o t i c r h y t h m s as s h e w r o t e o n the b o a r d , Miss Dobzhansky's c h a l k b o a r d a r m was revealed to b e fine a n d firm, gracefully fitted at t h e s h o u l d e r with a flame-shaped muscle, w h e n in t h e a f t e r n o o n s she r e m o v e d h e r sweater a n d d r a p e d it over t h e b a c k of h e r chair. I d i d n ' t feel lust for her, really. I n fact, t h a t word, lust, is t o o abstract a n d intransitive a n d p r e a c h e r l y t o a p p l y even n o w to my feelings for Miss D o b z h a n s k y o r any o t h e r w o m a n . I never "lust for" o r "after" a w o m a n . I w a n t t o d o specific t h i n g s : have d i n n e r with, m a k e smile, h o l d h i p s of. I d i d n ' t even, in 25
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e b e g i n n i n g , i m a g i n e t h a t I w a n t e d to see Miss Dobzhansky in a state of u n d r e s s . W h a t first m a d e m e w a n t to stop time was t h a t after C h r i s t m a s b r e a k she c h a n g e d t h e original seating a r r a n g e m e n t of t h e class. I h a d b e e n in front a n d n o w I was all t h e way in t h e back. A kid w h o w r o t e words backward sat at my old desk. I u n d e r s t o o d h e r r e a s o n s , b u t still I was a little h u r t . A n d I n o t i c e d t h e n t h a t I c o u l d n ' t see t h e c h a l k b o a r d as well as I h a d . It was n o t a q u e s t i o n of my b e i n g u n a b l e to r e a d t h e words o r d e c i p h e r t h e figures. It was merely t h a t I c o u l d n o l o n g e r tell at a glance, as I h a d b e e n a b l e to in m y f o r m e r seat, w h e t h e r Miss D o b z h a n s k y was u s i n g a piece of newly b r o k e n chalk with a s h a r p e d g e t h a t s o m e t i m e s briefly left a faint s e c o n d parallel line, o r w h e t h e r she was h o l d i n g a m o r e r o u n d e d p i e c e t h a t she h a d u s e d before. I w a n t e d to know exactly w h a t was g o i n g o n o n t h e surface of t h e c h a l k b o a r d — I felt I was m i s s i n g o u t o n t h e physical reality of h e r writing, as o p p o s e d to w h a t it m e a n t . W h e n I was in front, I h a d b e e n a b l e to m o n i t o r t h e chalky g h o s t of a w o r d she h a d several times erased; n o w t h a t was almost always impossible. Two o t h e r kids h a d already g o t t e n glasses, a n d I knew t h a t glasses w o u l d h e l p m e a little, b u t w h a t I really w a n t e d to d o was to s t o p t h e w h o l e class, t h e whole school, t h e whole school dis trict, for a few m i n u t e s w h e n e v e r I n e e d e d to walk u p to the b o a r d a n d i n s p e c t its surface at very close r a n g e . My b i g C h r i s t m a s p r e s e n t t h a t year was a figure-eight race track a n d o n e b l u e a n d o n e b r o w n race car t h a t drove a r o u n d it a n d occasionally flipped off. I played with it for a week o r two. T h e p r o b l e m with it was t h a t t h e r e w e r e n ' t e n o u g h seg m e n t s of track to m a k e a n asymmetrical race-course, a n d I strongly p r e f e r r e d asymmetry in race-courses. S o o n t h e track g o t dusty a n d t h e cars b e g a n to halt suddenly w h e n their 26
THE
FERMATA
b u s h i n g s lost contact. I p u s h e d it u n d e r my b e d a n d t h o u g h t instead a b o u t m e a t t h e r m o m e t e r s a n d t o a d s w h o c a n h i b e r n a t e for years in d r i e d desert m u d . B u t after Miss D o b z h a n s k y h a d m o v e d m e to t h e b a c k of t h e class, I woke u p in t h e m i d d l e of t h e n i g h t a n d let m y a r m d r o p to t h e floor b e t w e e n t h e b e d a n d t h e wall. I was in t h e h a b i t of d o i n g this fairly often; I did it to p r o v e to myself h o w n o n c h a l a n t I was, h o w c e r t a i n I was t h a t t h e r e were n o crus taceans u n d e r t h e b e d . T h i s time, t h o u g h , my h a n d b r u s h e d against s o m e t h i n g w a r m . It was t h e t r a n s f o r m e r for t h e r a c e track. It was still p l u g g e d in, still o n , still t r a n s f o r m i n g . I g o t o u t of b e d a n d p u l l e d t h e track o u t . T h e t r a n s f o r m e r h a d a r e d faceted light t h a t glowed faintly. It also h a d a c h r o m e toggle switch. I t u r n e d o n t h e light in m y r o o m , so t h a t I c o u l d see better, a n d h e l d t h e t r a n s f o r m e r . It was very heavy, with r o u n d e d c o r n e r s , a n d it h a d a finish t h a t s e e m e d to have b e e n m a d e by d i p p i n g it in thick black p a i n t a n d t h e n b l a s t i n g it with h o t air so t h a t t h e p a i n t f o r m e d a t e x t u r e of tiny wrinkles. It h a d a silver U L label o n t h e u n d e r s i d e . " U n d e r w r i t e r s L a b o r a t o r i e s " — a racy, vaguely u n d e r w e a r i s h n a m e . T h e
hum
t h a t the t r a n s f o r m e r m a d e was a l m o s t i n a u d i b l e . I t o u c h e d the toggle switch, t h e n flipped it off, a n d s u d d e n l y I knew t h a t this was t h e m a c h i n e I n e e d e d , a n d t h a t t h e n e x t t i m e I t u r n e d t h e t r a n s f o r m e r back o n , it w o u l d s t o p everything. I s m u g g l e d it a n d a n e x t e n s i o n c o r d i n t o class in my l u n c h box. I did n o t h i n g with it all m o r n i n g . As t h e rest of t h e s t u d e n t s were l i n i n g u p for l u n c h , w h e n Miss D o b z h a n s k y stood halfway o u t t h e d o o r , I hastily p l u g g e d t h e e x t e n s i o n c o r d into t h e o u t l e t u n d e r t h e l o n g table a g a i n s t t h e b a c k wall, which was only a few feet from m y chair, a n d h i d t h e t r a n s f o r m e r in my desk. O v e r l u n c h , t h o u g h I was q u i t e keyed u p , I gave n o t h i n g away. I casually discussed with m y friend T i m 27
NICHOLSON
BAKER
w h a t it w o u l d b e like to b e a n a g i t a t o r BB ball in a c a n of g r e e n spray p a i n t , as if it were a n o r d i n a r y day. W e a g r e e d t h a t it w o u l d b e fun to d i g i n t o t h e p i g m e n t at t h e b o t t o m of t h e spray c a n a n d t h e n fly u p t h r o u g h t h e pressurized froth a n d clack a r o u n d — b e t t e r p e r h a p s t h a n d e s c e n d i n g in a spherical s p a c e vehicle i n t o t h e c h e m i c a l storms o n S a t u r n . T i m con t e n d e d t h a t t h e r e were s o m e t i m e s two a g i t a t o r BBs in a single c a n of spray p a i n t , a n d I disagreed, a r g u i n g t h a t it only s o u n d e d as if t h e r e were two w h e n you s h o o k it fast. I h a d n o t e x p e c t e d a n y o n e to n o t i c e t h e c o r d l e a d i n g i n t o my desk, since I was in t h e back c o r n e r , a n d n o b o d y in fact did. I let half a n h o u r go by, w a t c h i n g Miss D o b z h a n s k y dis cuss a k i n d of slitted sunglasses t h a t t h e Eskimos whittled from b o n e to avoid snow b l i n d n e s s . S h e b e g a n to write t h e old spelling of Eskimo, with a q, o n t h e b o a r d in white chalk. My h a n d s were d e e p in my desk; my fingertips t o u c h e d t h e wrin kle-finish black p a i n t a n d t h e s m o o t h toggle switch. As she e m b a r k e d o n t h e letter m, h e r b a c k to t h e class, I flipped t h e switch. S h e d i d n ' t finish t h e m. S h e a n d t h e class were w i t h o u t sound or motion. I said, " H e y . " I said " H e y " again. N o b o d y t u r n e d toward m e . F a r from b e i n g eerie o r d i s t u r b i n g , t h e silence was, I f o u n d , q u i t e comfy. T h i s acoustical coziness, which is a con sistent f e a t u r e of t h e Fold, is t h e result, I think, of t h e relative sluggishness of t h e air m o l e c u l e s t h a t s u r r o u n d m e . S o u n d diffuses o u t w a r d only a few feet, as far as I c a n tell. I ' m often r e m i n d e d of a line in t h e first stanza of Keats's "Eve of St. A g n e s " : " A n d silent was t h e flock in woolly fold." My Fold is woolly. Presently ( " p r e s e n t l y " is right!) I flipped t h e toggle back to t h e off p o s i t i o n , deactivating t h e m a c h i n e . At o n c e everyone a n d everything t o o k u p w h e r e they h a d left off. T h e world 28
THE
FERMATA
e x p a n d e d , s o u n d i n g o n c e a g a i n as if it were r e c o r d e d in stereo. Miss D o b z h a n s k y finished writing Esquimaux. S h e gave n o indication t h a t she was aware t h a t a n y t h i n g o u t of t h e o r d i n a r y h a d j u s t h a p p e n e d ; a n d as far as she was c o n c e r n e d , of course, n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . S h e t u r n e d toward us a n d b e g a n talking a b o u t a t h i n strip of l a n d t h a t s h e c l a i m e d h a d o n c e j o i n e d Alaska a n d Asia, over w h i c h tribes h a d traveled, giving rise n o t only to t h e Eskimo, b u t to t h e A m e r i c a n I n d i ans of t h e lower states. I m u s t have b e e n l o o k i n g at h e r with a n expression of u n u s u a l attentiveness, o r even of r a p t u r e , b e c a u s e h e r gaze l a n d e d o n m e a n d she smiled. I knew we h a d a special u n d e r s t a n d i n g . I knew also t h a t she m i g h t b e t h e m o s t beautiful p e r s o n I w o u l d ever know. I knew t h a t she knew t h a t I s o m e t i m e s d i d n ' t raise my h a n d to give answers to t h e questions she asked even w h e n I knew t h e answers, b e cause I w a n t e d to give h e r t h e o p t i o n of d r a w i n g o u t o t h e r kids, of calling o n m e only w h e n she n e e d e d to, as a b a c k u p . H e r e x p l a n a t i o n of t h e waves of Asian m i g r a t i o n s across t h e B e r i n g Strait i n t e r e s t e d m e , so I let h e r finish before s t o p p i n g the universe for a s e c o n d t i m e . As s o o n as she t u r n e d t o w a r d t h e b l a c k b o a r d again, to write Bering, I flipped t h e switch a n d took off all my clothes. T h e air is q u i t e close in t h e Fold a n d takes a little g e t t i n g used to, a l t h o u g h as l o n g as you wave y o u r a r m s a r o u n d every so often t h e r e is n o real risk of asphyxiation. I was very c o n scious of my b r e a t h i n g as I walked u p t h e row of desks a n d chairs, n a k e d , a n d r e a c h e d my lovely t e a c h e r . "Miss D o b zhansky?" I said, s t a n d i n g right b e h i n d her, t h o u g h I knew t h a t she c o u l d n ' t h e a r m e . My p l a n , as I h a d conceived it in a flash w h e n she h a d smiled at m e a m o m e n t before, was to take off all h e r clothes a n d t h e n sit b a c k d o w n at my desk a n d click t i m e b a c k o n — t h a t is, t u r n t h e t i m e t r a n s f o r m e r off. 29
NICHOLSON
BAKER
W h e n she felt t h e c o o l e r air o n h e r skin a n d discovered t h a t she was entirely n u d e , she w o u l d t u r n toward us, confused a n d startled, b u t n o t really flustered, since I h a d never seen h e r flustered—her
serenity a n d ability to adjust to any eventuality
in t h e c l a s s r o o m was a n i m p o r t a n t p a r t of what m a d e h e r so lovely to m e — a n d she w o u l d m e e t this c h a l l e n g e with h e r u s u a l a p l o m b . S h e w o u l d t u r n toward us with h e r h a n d s s h i e l d i n g h e r breasts a n d look inquiringly at o u r faces, as if to say, " H o w , class, h a s this h a p p e n e d ? " H e r eyes w o u l d seek o u t m i n e , b e c a u s e she knew she c o u l d trust m e to h e l p h e r t h r o u g h difficult m o m e n t s , a n d I w o u l d look b a c k at h e r with a n a r d e n t , loving, serious expression. I w o u l d s t a n d a n d s h u s h a n y o n e w h o d a r e d to snicker at t h e fact t h a t b o t h I a n d Miss D o b z h a n s k y were c o m p l e t e l y n a k e d , a n d I w o u l d walk u p to h e r a n d n o d at h e r as if to say, "Everything will b e all right, Miss D o b z h a n s k y , " a n d collect h e r sweater a n d h e r dress, w h i c h I w o u l d have left neatly folded o n h e r desk. She would say, " T h a n k you, A r n o , " in a voice t h a t c o m m u n i c a t e d how grateful she was t h a t I was in h e r life a n d was able to h e l p h e r t h r o u g h this m o m e n t . S h e a n d I w o u l d retire to t h e cloak r o o m for a few m i n u t e s , w h e r e I w o u l d h a n d h e r h e r clothes o n e by o n e as she got dressed. S h e w o u l d d o t h e s a m e for m e . W h e n we r e - e m e r g e d , I w o u l d take my seat a n d she would c o n t i n u e h e r social studies lesson. T h e class, docile with shock, w o u l d have r e m a i n e d silent t h r o u g h o u r whole ab sence. T h a t was my p l a n , b u t I s o o n f o u n d t h a t I h a d to modify it. Miss D o b z h a n s k y was w e a r i n g h e r navy-blue d r o o p y sweater a n d a s i m p l e white shirt b u t t o n e d at t h e t o p with a b l u e e n a m e l S a t u r n p i n covering t h e t o p b u t t o n . T h e sweater was already u n b u t t o n e d , so I left it a l o n e . B u t w h e n I r e a c h e d u p to u n d o t h e e n a m e l p i n ( o r " b r o o c h " I guess they a r e called) 30
THE
FERMATA
I felt t h a t this was n o t s o m e t h i n g I w a n t e d to d o at all. W h a t if, o n c e I got h e r totally n a k e d , I c h i c k e n e d o u t a n d d i d n ' t want to p r o c e e d ? W o u l d I b e a b l e to p i n t h e p i n b a c k in p l a c e precisely as it h a d b e e n ? I w o r r i e d a b o u t possibly b r e a k i n g its little catch, o r p u t t i n g it o n c r o o k e d . If it w a s n ' t r e p l a c e d exactly right, she w o u l d sense a s u d d e n slight d i s p l a c e m e n t at h e r neck w h e n I t u r n e d t h e classroom b a c k o n a n d she w o u l d suspect s o m e t h i n g , a n d b e c a u s e of my r e c e n t look of r a p t u r e she m i g h t c o n n e c t m e with h e r o d d sensation, a n d if she asked m e directly, I d i d n ' t t h i n k I c o u l d lie to h e r a n d tell h e r t h a t I h a d h a d n o t h i n g to d o with it. By this t i m e I was s t a n d i n g b e t w e e n h e r a n d t h e b l a c k b o a r d , very close to her. H e r breasts were my h o r i z o n line. I d e c i d e d t h a t I c o u l d at least safely u n d o several of t h e m i d d l e b u t t o n s of h e r shirt to see w h a t all was u n d e r n e a t h . I n t h e c o t t o n y silence of t h e idled universe, I u n d i d two b u t t o n s . My
fingers
t r e m b l e d , of course. A n d even now, twenty-five years later, m y fingers s o m e t i m e s t r e m b l e w h e n I watch t h e m at work u n d o i n g a row of a w o m a n ' s shirt b u t t o n s , especially w h e n h e r shirt is loose, so t h a t o n c e you have finished u n b u t t o n i n g it n o m o r e is revealed to you t h a n w h e n y o u b e g a n , a n d , as a separate deliberate act, you have to p a r t t h e still-overlapping sides of t h e shirt with t h e backs of y o u r h a n d s like a set of curtains. I p e e r e d i n t o t h e oval world I h a d j u s t c r e a t e d . W h a t I could see of h e r b r a was very interesting. It h a d little X's sewn a l o n g t h e b o r d e r s of t h e two side-pieces t h a t a t t a c h e d t o the r o u n d b o s o m - h o l d i n g p a r t s , a n d t h e b o s o m - h o l d i n g p a r t s h a d perfectly sewn seams r u n n i n g d i a g o n a l l y u p over t h e i r curves, like a n a p p i n g cat's closed eyes. I r e a c h e d u p a n d p u s h e d gently o n o n e of h e r b o s o m s with t h e p a l m of m y h a n d . (I called t h e m " b o s o m s " t h e n , a n d really it isn't s u c h a b a d word for t h e m . ) T h e s h a p e was u n e x p e c t e d l y soft a n d 31
NICHOLSON
BAKER
q u i t e w a r m . I u n b u t t o n e d a n o t h e r lower b u t t o n so t h a t I c o u l d n o w comfortably s u r r o u n d my whole h e a d with h e r shirt. H e r skin glowed in t h e shadowy cloth-diffused light. I felt like a d a g u e r r e o t y p i s t , c r o u c h i n g a n d covering my h e a d with a c a m e r a c l o t h to see m y subject m o r e completely. I saw h e r s t o m a c h , w h i c h was extensive at this close r a n g e . I n t h e m i d d l e of it was h e r belly-button. T h i s I h a d n ' t r e c k o n e d o n . It was t h e b i g m o m e n t . I h a d never seen a n y t h i n g so womanly, so g r o w n - u p - l o o k i n g , at s u c h close r a n g e , in m y life. Miss Dobzhansky's belly-button did n o t look like a child's belly-button at all. T h e r e was a sort of s t r e t c h e d p r o s c e n i u m of skin over t h e t o p , a bell curve, similar in a way to t h e e p i c a n t h i c eye-fold o n Asian p e o p l e (like E s q u i m a u x ) , w h e r e a s t h e slope below led t h e eye
right
i n t o a little private s a n c t u m elegantly c u p p i n g s o m e t h i n g t h a t l o o k e d like a tiny p i e c e of u s e d c h e w i n g g u m o r t h e k n o t t e d p a r t of a b a l l o o n . W h a t was impressive was simply h o w wise a n d e x p e r i e n c e d it looked, h o w p r o f o u n d l y oval it was. I passed m y knuckles lightly over it, awestruck. T h e n I e m e r g e d from h e r shirt for a s e c o n d to get a r o u n d e d piece of b l u e chalk, w h i c h I gently twirled in it, as if I were c h a l k i n g u p a p o o l stick, e x c e p t t h e o t h e r way a r o u n d . I left only t h e m o s t i m p e r c e p t i b l y small trace of chalk dust, b r u s h i n g t h e excess away. F e e l i n g by t h e n t h a t I h a d h a d m o r e t h a n e n o u g h for o n e a f t e r n o o n , I b u t t o n e d h e r shirt b a c k u p . As a n after t h o u g h t , I r e p l a c e d t h e white piece of chalk t h a t she was h o l d i n g as s h e w r o t e t h e w o r d Bering with t h e p i e c e of b l u e chalk t h a t I h a d u s e d o n her. T h e n I went b a c k to my seat, p u t m y clothes b a c k o n , a r r a n g e d myself so t h a t I was sitting exactly as I h a d b e e n , a n d t u r n e d t h e t i m e t r a n s f o r m e r off. Its c h r o m e switch was a l m o s t painfully h o t to t h e t o u c h . T h e class c a m e alive. T h e b l u e chalk b r o k e — p e r h a p s I h a d n ' t p u t it in h e r fingers properly. Miss D o b z h a n s k y looked 32
THE
FERMATA
at it for a second, puzzled, a n d t h e n she picked u p a p i e c e of white chalk a n d went o n writing. " O n c e these tribes got to Alaska, they h a d to d e c i d e w h e t h e r to settle t h e r e o r k e e p g o i n g . . . " she said, a n d she c o n t i n u e d t h e lesson. T h e r e was a faint smell of s o m e t h i n g b u r n i n g . I t u g g e d surreptitiously o n the e x t e n s i o n c o r d u n t i l its p l u g d r o p p e d o u t of t h e wall socket; I drew it little by little i n t o my desk. I n o t i c e d , g l a n c i n g down casually as if to p u l l m y c h a i r u p , t h a t t h e b l a d e s of t h e p l u g were a dull c a r b o n black. A n d t h a t was exactly h o w it w e n t t h e first day. N o t h i n g b a d h a p p e n e d . All w e n t well. I left t h e t r a n s f o r m e r in my desk overnight, a n d I tried it a g a i n t h e following m o r n i n g , with b i g plans, b u t u n f o r t u n a t e l y this time, as s o o n as I flipped t h e switch, t h e fluorescent lights in t h e ceiling fluttered a n d w e n t o u t . T h e r e was a n even s t r o n g e r smell of b u r n i n g . Miss D o b zhansky sent for t h e c u s t o d i a n . T i m e flowed o n w i t h o u t inter r u p t i o n . After school, I carried t h e r u i n e d t r a n s f o r m e r h o m e in my l u n c h box. It was totally wrecked. T h e r e d j e w e l e d light was partially m e l t e d , a n d t h e r e were whitish h e a t
marks
a r o u n d t h e lower e d g e of t h e u n i t . J u s t to b e sure, I p l u g g e d it in in my r o o m o n e last t i m e after d i n n e r a n d flipped t h e switch, b u t I got n o r e s p o n s e . T h e cat c o n t i n u e d to lick b e tween t h e p a d s of h e r paws. T h e traffic lights at t h e c o r n e r colored s e g m e n t s of t h e b i g d o u b l e icicle o u t s i d e m y w i n d o w red, t h e n green, t h e n o r a n g e . It was over. I h a d only b e e n a b l e to p a u s e t h e universe twice, for a total of m a y b e six m i n u t e s . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , even six timeless m i n u t e s was pretty good. I adjusted r e m a r k a b l y quickly to t h e idea t h a t I h a d seen as m u c h of Miss D o b z h a n s k y as I was p r o b a b l y ever g o i n g to see. My n e x t task, to w h i c h I d e v o t e d t h e e n s u i n g s p r i n g a n d s u m m e r m o n t h s , was to d e v e l o p a n a l t e r n a t e , n o n - e l e c t r i c a l way into t h e Fold. I e x p l o r e d a n u m b e r of e x p e r i m e n t a l possi bilities, c o u r t i n g t h e u n n a t u r a l . I sprayed s o m e n e w m o c k 33
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o r a n g e leaves with g r e e n spray p a i n t to see w h e t h e r they w o u l d b e c o m e p e r m a n e n t fakes, since I h a d always f o u n d t h e n o t i o n of b r o n z e d b a b y shoes mysterious a n d suggestive. I grafted a very fast-growing thistle to o u r m a g n o l i a tree, wrap p i n g t h e c o n j o i n e d w o u n d s with heavy-duty t h r e a d , theoriz i n g t h a t t h e m i n g l i n g of i n c o m p a t i b l e growth
hormones
m i g h t have c h r o n o a c t i v e effects. I h e a t e d six m a r b l e s o n a b a k i n g s h e e t in a slow oven a n d t h e n s p o o n e d t h e m o n e by o n e i n t o a glass of ice water which I h e l d q u i t e close to my eye. I n t o t h e glass I h a d first p l a c e d a fossil c r i n o i d a n d a snip of my fingernail. (Now t h a t I t h i n k of it, t h e s o u n d of my exgirlfriend R h o d y u s i n g a fingernail t r i m m e r in t h e m o r n i n g in t h e b a t h r o o m , t h e e x t r e m e l y brief a n d h i g h - p i t c h e d c h i r p i n g s o u n d of t h e s m i l i n g s n i p p e r b l a d e s m e e t i n g after they h a d s n a p p e d t h r o u g h h e r nail, which I listened to in b e d as s o m e listen to r e a l b i r d s o n g , is o n e of t h e m o s t satisfying m e m o r i e s t h a t I possess of t h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p . ) I fully e x p e c t e d time to s t o p at t h e m o m e n t t h e i n t e r i o r of e a c h hissing m a r b l e sud denly c r a z e d itself with decorative cracks, b u t it d i d n ' t . I used t h e b u t a n e t o r c h m y f a t h e r h a d b o u g h t for a refinishing p r o j e c t to h e a t a n o t c h e d stainless-steel serving s p o o n until it t u r n e d a d e e p o r a n g e . T h o u g h it looked soft a n d slightly swollen, its e d g e s r o u n d e d like t h e e d g e s of a stick of b u t t e r , I c o u l d n o t get t h e s p o o n to melt. T h e n I p u t a small oval p e b b l e in t h e s a m e s p o o n a n d played t h e t o r c h flame over it, h o p i n g for s o m e lava. T h e p e b b l e e x p l o d e d with a s n a p , s e n d i n g a s t i n g i n g f r a g m e n t of rock i n t o my T-shirt. All of t h e s e e x p e r i m e n t s , a n d m a n y o t h e r s I p e r f o r m e d d u r i n g that p e r i o d , were inconclusive a n d , frankly, d i s a p p o i n t i n g .
It
w a s n ' t u n t i l t h e s u m m e r after fifth g r a d e t h a t I was o n c e again a b l e to D r o p in, with t h e h e l p of o u r b a s e m e n t w a s h i n g ma chine and some thread. 34
3
M JL.
T
- A . A N Y TEMPS D O N T LIKE D O I N G TAPES; I D O .
NATURALLY
I like t r a n s c r i b i n g s o m e tapes b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s . I n t h e early eighties I worked in t h e office of t h e h e a d of a b i g c o m p a n y — well, why s h o u l d I s u p p r e s s t h e n a m e ? — i n t h e office of A n drew Fleury, t h e h e a d of N o p t i c a . H e h a d a t h r e e - p e r s o n W P staff w h o did n o t h i n g b u t type his gigantic o u t p u t of c o r r e s p o n d e n c e , speeches, interviews, Q - a n d - A sessions at stock h o l d e r m e e t i n g s , a n d so o n . I t h i n k h e m u s t have h a d political a m b i t i o n s even t h e n . I w o r k e d t h e r e several times. O n e l o n g t a p e of his t h a t I d i d i n c l u d e d a letter o r d e r i n g a case of s o m e r a r e sort of A r m a g n a c from a local l i q u o r wholesaler. (It was a p e r s o n a l letter, let m e say.) I d i d n ' t k n o w w h a t A r m a g n a c 35
NICHOLSON
BAKER
was, a n d , guessing, I typed Armaniac. Discovering this, Fleury flew i n t o a r a g e . I h e a r d h i m laying i n t o o n e of t h e two co-office m a n a g e r s — " P a u l a , tell m e w h a t is w r o n g with this p a r a g r a p h ! " T h e letter was r e t u r n e d to m e with t h e following m a r g i n a l s c h o l i u m : " A n alcoholic beverage, n o t a crazy Ar m e n i a n ! ! D o n ' t guess, look it u p ! ! " Well, m a y b e h e was right—I
s h o u l d have l o o k e d it u p . B u t o n c e Fleury c a u g h t t h e
error, h e c o u l d have at least passed o n t h e fact t h a t t h e word h a d a g in it. I lost five m i n u t e s flipping a r o u n d in a dictio nary. Most of t h e time, t h o u g h , salaried p e o p l e e x p e c t so little from t e m p s t h a t any slight awareness of a letter o r m e m o ' s c o n t e x t o r i n t e n t fills t h e m with joy, a n d they are as a result very easy to w o r k for. B u t why is it t h a t I so like t y p i n g tapes? I've seen wordp r o c e s s i n g o p e r a t o r s t h r o w t h e i r h e a d s e t s d o w n after several h o u r s of t r a n s c r i b i n g , s h o u t i n g , " I h a t e d o i n g this!" Yet I even liked t y p i n g Fleury's tapes. F o r o n e t h i n g , I like t h a t I ' m fairly g o o d at it—I c a n , for i n s t a n c e , often e n g a g e in a little parallel p r o c e s s i n g , t y p i n g t h e s e n t e n c e t h a t j u s t passed while listen i n g to a n d s t o r i n g t h e p h r a s e t h a t I ' m currently h e a r i n g : I enjoy s e e i n g h o w l o n g I c a n g o w i t h o u t r e s o r t i n g to t h e rewind half of t h e f o o t - p e d a l . B u t mainly I prefer d o i n g tapes to t y p i n g h a n d w r i t t e n d o c u m e n t s simply b e c a u s e you c a n h e a r t h e d i c t a t o r t h i n k i n g . Y o u c a n h e a r h i m g r o p i n g for t h e con v e n t i o n a l f o r m u l a t h a t will cover a slightly u n u s u a l case. You c a n occasionally h e a r u n d e r t o n e s of irritation o r affection. It is a g r e a t privilege to b e p r e s e n t w h e n a p e r s o n slowly p u t s his t h o u g h t s i n t o words, p h r a s e by p h r a s e , d o i n g t h e best h e can. B e c a u s e you a r e traveling right a l o n g with h i m as h e forms his sentences, m a k i n g e a c h w o r d h e says a p p e a r as a little c l u m p of letters o n y o u r screen, you b e g i n to feel as if you are d o i n g t h e t h i n k i n g yourself; you o c c u p y s o m e d a r k space in the i n t e r i o r of his m i n d as h e goes a b o u t his j o b . 36
THE
FERMATA
It isn't difficult to i m a g i n e a n erotic aspect to all this. S a n d i , a t e m p I discussed t h e subject with a year a g o o r so, told m e she o n c e d e v e l o p e d a n i n t e n s e t h i n g for a m a n she t r a n scribed for. H e was in p e r s o n n e l , a n d his j o b was to advise employees a n d r e t i r e d e m p l o y e e s o n t h e best way to h a n d l e their p e n s i o n s . H e talked very slowly, she said, in a n a l m o s t d r e a m y b u t l o u d low voice, with l o n g b o l d p a u s e s . S h e said h e s o u n d e d a little like David Bowie in " C h i n a Girl." H e very seldom r e s o r t e d to t h e p a u s e switch o n his m a c h i n e ; h e j u s t let the t a p e r u n . A n d h e talked a g r e a t d e a l in his letters a b o u t " i n v a d i n g t h e a n n u i t y . " "If y o u r h u s b a n d p r e d e c e a s e s you, Mrs. P l o c h m a n , " h e w o u l d say in a letter, " a n d you elect to invade t h e a n n u i t y . . ." "If, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , you b o t h invade t h e a n n u i t y n o w . . . " So often r e p e a t e d , this p a r t i c u l a r actuarial i d i o m b e g a n , as a result, to take o n a special m e a n i n g for her. As she typed it, it was as if she were h a n d l i n g what h e was saying, c o n s e n t i n g to it, l e t t i n g it r u n scarf-like t h r o u g h h e r fingers. "Please d o , " she felt she was w h i s p e r i n g back to h i m by typing exactly w h a t h e spoke i n t o h e r h e a d s e t , "please d o invade m y a n n u i t y . " T h e y never did a n y t h i n g sex ual, t h o u g h . I n my own case, I often get t h o r o u g h l y h y p n o t i z e d by t h e tapes of w o m e n dictators. W o m e n litigators, especially: w h e n they say things like " A l t h o u g h t h e r e a r e n o h o r n b o o k r u l e s , " my b r e a t h i n g elevates. A n d I already m e n t i o n e d t h e s t r a n g e thrill I felt w h e n I h e a r d in a credit u p d a t e J o y c e q u o t e s o m e o n e as saying t h a t s o m e o n e else "lied like h e l l . " G e r a r d M a n ley H o p k i n s s o m e w h e r e describes h o w h e m e s m e r i z e d a d u c k by drawing a line of c h a l k o u t in front of it. T h i n k of m e as t h e duck; t h e chalk, softly w e a r i n g itself away against t h e tiny p e b b l e s e m b e d d e d in t h e c o r p o r a t e c o n c r e t e , is J o y c e ' s for w a r d - l u r i n g r o u g h - s m o o t h voice o n t h e cassettes she gives m e . Or, to substitute a n o t h e r i m a g e , since o n e is h a r d l y sufficient 37
NICHOLSON
BAKER
in J o y c e ' s case, w h e n I let myself really e n t e r h e r t a p e , w h e n I let it s u r r o u n d m e , it is as if I ' m s u n k i n t o t h e p o n d of what she is saying, as if I ' m s o m e k i n d of p a t i e n t , cruising a m p h i b ian, drifting in black water, entirely s u b m e r g e d e x c e p t for my eyes, which blink every so often. E a c h w o r d c o m e s floating u p to m e like a thick, h e a l t h y lily p a d a n d b r u s h e s past my h e a d . A n d s o m e t i m e s , especially if J o y c e kindly lets m e h e a r h e r hesitate ( r a t h e r t h a n clicking h e r r e c o r d e r off to h i d e t h e l e n g t h of h e r hesitation, I m e a n ) , t h e stretch of black still w a t e r b e t w e e n t h e i n t e r m i t t e n t g r e e n floating w o r d s c a n m o m e n t a r i l y e x p a n d i n t o infinitude. All t h e lily p a d s withdraw themselves from m e . At t h o s e times I b e c o m e a m a z e d by t h e p o w e r I have: t h e p o w e r to lift my foot off t h e t r a n s c r i b e r p e d a l at will a n d h a l t t h a t s e n t e n c e of h e r s right there for as l o n g as I w a n t in o r d e r to t h i n k a b o u t j u s t w h e r e I a m in it, a n d a b o u t w h a t it c a n m e a n t h a t this living, feeling c r e a t u r e is s p e n d i n g five days a week saying s u c h things into a t a p e r e c o r d e r , a n d a b o u t w h a t h e r m o u t h looks like as she says t h e m . I p a u s e within h e r p a u s e a n d float in t h e sensoryd e p r i v e d l a g o o n of h e r s u s p e n d e d m e a n i n g . W h a t is espe cially nice, in this state of " d e e p t r a n s c r i p t i o n , " as I call it, is to look u p a n d discover t h a t cheerful, u n m y s t e r i o u s Joyce herself is walking briskly s o m e w h e r e , p e r h a p s toward my desk, wiggling a p e n in h e r fingers. So t h e r e is, w i t h o u t a d o u b t , a s t r o n g c h r o n a n i s t i c e l e m e n t to m y d o i n g of tapes. It m a y even b e t h a t if I h a d n ' t s p e n t so large a p o r t i o n o f t h e last t e n years of my life t r a n s c r i b i n g words, s t a r t i n g a n d s t o p p i n g so m a n y t h o u s a n d s a n d t h o u s a n d s of m o d e s t h u m a n sentences-in-progress with my footp e d a l , I w o u l d have l o n g a g o lost t h e ability to d r o p i n t o t h e Fold a l t o g e t h e r . T h e daily r e g i m e n of microcassettes has k e p t m e u n u s u a l l y sensitive, p e r h a p s , to t h e editability of t h e tem38
THE
FERMATA
p o r a l c o n t i n u u m — t o t h e fact t h a t a n a p p a r e n t l y seamless vocalization may actually elide, glide over, h i d e w h o l e selfc o n t a i n e d vugs of h i d d e n activity o r d i s t r a c t i o n — s n e e z e s , expletives, spilled coffee, sexual a d v e n t u r e s — w i t h i n .
"The
m i n d is a lyric cry in t h e m i d s t of b u s i n e s s , " says G e o r g e Santayana, whose a u t o b i o g r a p h y ( v o l u m e o n e ) I got o u t of the Boston Public Library yesterday; a n d it o c c u r s to m e t h a t this a p h o r i s m illuminates t h e p e c u l i a r suggestiveness of t h e microcassette, a n d of all audiocassettes, in fact: t h e s e stocky, solid, p a r a g r a p h - s h a p e d m a t e r i a l objects, h e l d t o g e t h e r with m i n u s c u l e Phillips-head screws at e a c h c o r n e r ( t h e screws a r e smaller, incidentally, t h a n t h e screws in t h e h i n g e s of my glasses, so small t h a t only SCARA r o b o t s c o u l d have twirled t h e m in place in s u c h q u a n t i t y ) , with t h e i r p a i r of u n f i x e d c e n t e r sprockets left deliberately loose so t h a t they c a n c o m p l y with slight variations in t h e s p i n d l e distances of different b r a n d s of m a c h i n e — t h e s e c h u n k y pieces of g e o m e t r i c a l busi ness within which, n o n e t h e l e s s , a n elfin wisp of Mylar frisks a r o u n d any tiny struts o r blocks of felt p l a c e d in its p a t h , m i n n o w i n g t h e f e r r o m a g n e t i c after-sparkle of a voiced p e r sonality t h r o u g h whatever B a r o q u e d i a g o n a l s a n d Bezier curves it c a n c o n t o r t from t h e givens of its p r i s o n . This said, t h e s u r p r i s i n g t h i n g really is h o w little luck I have h a d u s i n g t h e foot-pedal of my t a p e - t r a n s c r i p t i o n m a c h i n e to trigger a t r u e D r o p . I have t h u s far b e e n u n a b l e to s t o p t h e universe u s i n g it, o r u s i n g t h e r e m o t e - c o n t r o l
PAUSE
b u t t o n s of
VCRs o r C D players, w h i c h w o u l d s e e m o b v i o u s a c t u a t o r s . I h a d , as I m e n t i o n e d , only a brief success in college with a g a r a g e - d o o r o p e n e r . It m a y b e t h a t to e n g a g e t i m e effectively a n d stop it cold, a m e c h a n i s m h a s t o have s o m e quality t h a t links it uniquely with m e , with m y o w n e m o t i o n a l life, w h i c h is why, for e x a m p l e , t h e toggle-switch t r a n s f o r m e r for m y 39
NICHOLSON
BAKER
race-track only w o r k e d as a c h r o n o c l u t c h after my fallen h a n d b r u s h e d against it, discovering its w a r m t h , in t h e m i d d l e of t h e n i g h t . T h i s c o u l d also e x p l a i n why t h e g e n e r a l t r e n d in my F o l d - a c t u a t o r s , with a few i m p o r t a n t e x c e p t i o n s , has b e e n away from h a r d w a r e a n d toward simpler, purely bodily spurs like a finger-snap o r t h e p u s h i n g u p of my glasses o n my nose. T h e m o s t e l a b o r a t e p i e c e of f e r m a t i o n a l e q u i p m e n t I ever d e v e l o p e d was a c u s t o m - m a d e piece of m a c h i n e r y I called a S o l o n o i d (with t h r e e o's). I h a d it b u i l t for m e by a n M I T u n d e r g r a d u a t e f o u r o r five years a g o . I still have it, t h o u g h it s t o p p e d w o r k i n g after a week of F o l d - h o u r s . It is very bulky a n d it m a d e a l o u d chuffing noise w h e n it was idling, a l t h o u g h I ' m s u r e it c o u l d b e m i n i a t u r i z e d a n d r e d e s i g n e d for quiet ness. All it d i d was stretch a n d u n s t r e t c h t h r e e r u b b e r b a n d s o r i e n t e d in t h e x, y, a n d z directions. I was able to t u n e the oscillatory frequency of e a c h r u b b e r b a n d by p u s h i n g a r h e o stat o n a small m i x i n g b o a r d . I h a d it b u i l t simply b e c a u s e I knew o n e m o r n i n g , j u s t after I awoke, after m a n y dry Foldfree m o n t h s , t h a t this d e s i g n w o u l d work. My u n c l e l o a n e d m e fifteen h u n d r e d dollars (I told h i m t h a t it was to take several m o n t h s off from t e m p i n g a n d see if I c o u l d get interested in m y m a s t e r ' s thesis a g a i n ) , a n d I p u t a n a d in t h e M I T s t u d e n t n e w s p a p e r a n d interviewed a n u m b e r of students. I chose t h e sole w o m a n r e s p o n d e n t , naturally. S h e u s e d t h r e e small m o t o r s . I told h e r t h a t I was a post-doc in p h i l o s o p h y w o r k i n g o n a m o n o g r a p h a b o u t a turn-of-thec e n t u r y A m e r i c a n m e t a p h y s i c i a n n a m e d Matthias Batchelder, w h o h a d p o s t u l a t e d t h a t t h r e e I n d i a - r u b b e r b a n d s , w h e n al ternately s t r e t c h e d a n d slackened at a p a r t i c u l a r frequency in t h e t h r e e C a r t e s i a n p l a n e s , w o u l d insert null p l a c e h o l d e r s i n t o t h e s t r e a m of B e c o m i n g , effectively p a u s i n g t h e universe for all b u t t h e o p e r a t o r of t h e m e c h a n i s m . T h o u g h Batch40
THE
FERMATA
elder h a d written to G. E. M o o r e , C. S. Pierce, a n d A. A. Michelson a b o u t his ideas, I said ( s c r a m b l i n g for plausibility), n o b o d y h a d e x h i b i t e d t h e slightest interest, partly b e c a u s e h e lacked institutional affiliation, a n d partly b e c a u s e h e h a d a n off-puttingly c o n t e n t i o u s p e r s o n a l m a n n e r . (I s h o u l d stress t h a t t h e r e was n o m e t a p h y s i c i a n by t h e n a m e of B a t c h e l d e r — t h e r o u g h design for t h e m a c h i n e h a d simply c o m e to m e o n e m o r n i n g — b u t for t h e sake of secrecy I n e e d e d to d i s t a n c e myself from it. I "lied like h e l l " to this y o u n g m e c h a n i c a l e n g i n e e r — I h a d to, I ' m sorry.) S h e — I ' m a s h a m e d to say t h a t I've f o r g o t t e n h e r n a m e — b u i l t t h e m a c h i n e in s h o r t o r d e r , a n d she did a very nice j o b of e x p l a i n i n g its finer p o i n t s to m e , t h o u g h I have f o r g o t t e n t h e m . T o k e e p costs d o w n , she was kind e n o u g h to u s e " t a k e o u t " p a r t s o r d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e J e r ryco c a t a l o g — t h a t is, m o t o r s r e m o v e d from u s e d e q u i p m e n t , copiers a n d such. "Well, I g o t it to d o w h a t y o u said you w a n t e d it to d o , " she said, in h e r serious way, as we s t o o d in o n e of t h e m e c h a n i c a l - e n g i n e e r i n g labs (she was g e t t i n g course credit for this project, it t u r n e d o u t , a l t h o u g h she h a d h i d d e n t h a t fact from m e ) , " b u t I've played with t h e f r e q u e n cies a n d I c a n ' t get it to d o a n y t h i n g . T h e r u b b e r b a n d s look kind of n e a t w h e n they really get g o i n g , t h o u g h . " I sat d o w n in front of it. It was ludicrously bulky, definitely n o t p o r t a b l e . "You m e a n it d o e s n ' t p a u s e t h e u n i v e r s e ? " I said, c h u c k l i n g with m o c k incredulity to i n d i c a t e t h a t I knew full well t h a t B a t c h e l d e r ' s ideas were a crock, a n d t h a t I h a d g o n e t h r o u g h this w h o l e exercise only o u t of kindness, m e r e l y to give this f o r g o t t e n eccentric a b e l a t e d c h a n c e to p r o v e himself. "Well, I s u p p o s e I s h o u l d try it myself anyway, for t h e old m a n ' s sake," I said. S h e p o i n t e d o u t t h e o n / o f f switch, which I threw; I t o o k a m o m e n t to adjust t h e s t r e t c h i n g fre quencies. ( T h e r u b b e r b a n d s were c h o s e n by m e at r a n d o m 41
NICHOLSON
BAKER
from a forty-nine-cent b a g of Alliance r u b b e r b a n d s , T O SAY M A D E IN
USA.)
PROUD
As s o o n as I got t h e ratios r i g h t (by e a r ) ,
t h e lab, t h e w o m a n , C a m b r i d g e , a n d everything else, with t h e e x c e p t i o n of m e a n d t h e j o u n c i n g Solonoid, p r o m p t l y went i n t o s u s p e n s i o n . I crawled b e h i n d t h e e n g i n e e r a n d kissed the beautifully defined H s h a p e s at t h e back of h e r thick knees, w h i c h are often t h e best feature o n college w o m e n (she wore a j e a n skirt), a n d t h e n t o o k my p l a c e at t h e controls a g a i n a n d c u t t h e p o w e r to t h e S o l o n o i d . " S e e ? " she said. " N o t h i n g . " W e s h o o k o u r h e a d s sadly, pitying p o o r d e l u d e d M a t t h i a s Batchelder, a n d I wrote h e r o u t a c h e c k for t h e full fifteen h u n d r e d a n d t h a n k e d her. (I k e e p m y c a n c e l e d checks; I m u s t r e m e m b e r to go b a c k a n d find o u t this y o u n g w o m a n ' s n a m e . ) She asked if she c o u l d possibly have a c o p y of s o m e of B a t c h e l d e r ' s metaphysical writings, a n d I told h e r t h a t for estate r e a s o n s I wasn't allowed to give a n y t h i n g o u t , b u t t h a t I w o u l d definitely send h e r a r e p r i n t of my m o n o g r a p h w h e n it a p p e a r e d . T h a t satisfied h e r . A n d for a few weeks after that, u n t i l my supply from t h a t first b a g of b a n d s r a n o u t , I was able to d o a fair n u m b e r of intricately filthy Foldy things. T h e nice u n f o r e s e e n quality of t h a t m a c h i n e , n o w t h a t I t h i n k of it, was t h a t it h a d a h i g h d e g r e e of risk associated with it, since a r u b b e r b a n d c o u l d s n a p suddenly, w i t h o u t w a r n i n g , c a u s i n g t i m e to r e s u m e a n d potentially e x p o s i n g m e at a very awkward m o m e n t — t h e sexi n - p u b l i c - p l a c e s risk. B u t I was careful. Eventually I i n c o r p o r a t e d s o m e r e d u n d a n c y i n t o t h e design by s t r e t c h i n g two r u b b e r b a n d s in e a c h d i r e c t i o n r a t h e r t h a n o n e , even t h o u g h it m e a n t I r a n o u t quicker. T h i s p r o b l e m of r e m e m b e r i n g n a m e s , which j u s t c a m e u p in c o n n e c t i o n with t h e M I T w o m a n , is a particularly a c u t e o n e for t h e c a r e e r t e m p . I m a y work as m a n y as forty different 42
THE
FERMATA
assignments in a given y e a r — s o m e for a week o r two, s o m e for a few days. At e a c h a s s i g n m e n t , t h e r e are typically t h r e e to five n a m e s to learn t h e first day ( a n d occasionally m a n y m o r e ) ; ten o r m o r e t h e s e c o n d day. D e p e n d i n g o n h o w heavy t h e p h o n e action is, t h e n u m b e r of n a m e s I e n d u p finally m a s t e r i n g p e r j o b c a n go considerably over o n e h u n d r e d . P e r year, I a m b e i n g e x p o s e d to r o u g h l y t h r e e t h o u s a n d n a m e s , of which (scaling b a c k again) p e r h a p s five h u n d r e d b e l o n g to individuals I get to know a little, talk to, w o r k fairly closely with. O v e r t e n years, t h a t m a k e s five t h o u s a n d personalities, a b o u t e a c h o n e of w h o m I m u s t d e v e l o p a little p a c k e t of e m o t i o n , a liking, a disliking, a t h e o r y a b o u t t h e i r feelings for s o m e colleague, a m e n t a l n o t e a b o u t t h e i r taste in clothes, a m e m o r y of h o w they like t h i n g s d o n e , w h e t h e r they a r e of t h e o p i n i o n t h a t state n a m e s o u g h t to b e spelled o u t in full o r given t h e two-letter abbreviation, w h e t h e r they like t h e d o c u m e n t n a m e o r n u m b e r i n c l u d e d o n t h e letter o r t h i n k t h a t this is a vulgarity, w h e t h e r they w a n t m e to a m u s e myself w h e n I've c a u g h t u p with my work o r p r e f e r t h a t I c o m e b o u n d i n g i n t o their office asking for m o r e to d o . I n college I was i m p r e s s e d by how well s o m e very p o p u l a r professors k e p t u p with t h e particulars of t h e i r s t u d e n t s ' lives—but t h e fact is t h a t I m a s t e r j u s t as m u c h raw h u m a n i t y e a c h year as t h e m o s t h o t s h o t celebrity professor. A n d t h e difference is t h a t in m y lowly case, all these p e o p l e , o r m o s t of t h e m , c o n t i n u e to work d o w n town, j u s t as I d o . T h e y a r e n ' t g o i n g to g r a d u a t e a n d go away. W h a t this m e a n s , practically s p e a k i n g , is t h a t every few days I will almost certainly r u n i n t o s o m e o n e with w h o m I have worked closely at s o m e c o m p a n y at s o m e t i m e in t h e past. A n d I will want so m u c h to r e m e m b e r his o r h e r n a m e ! T h e y usually r e m e m b e r my n a m e , a n d in s o m e cases I c a n d e t e c t a faint h u r t look in t h e i r eyes w h e n they perceive, t h r o u g h m y 43
NICHOLSON
BAKER
j o s h i n g a n d bluster, t h a t I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r theirs, since to g e t h e r we d i d work very h a r d a n d b e a t impossible deadlines a n d j o k e a r o u n d only six m o n t h s a g o , o r a year a n d a half ago, o r five years a g o . A n d — t h e y a n d I b o t h secretly think—they were h i g h e r - r a n k i n g t h a n I was, they were salaried, I was a t e m p , so it is a d u t y in k e e p i n g with my s u b o r d i n a t e station to r e m e m b e r t h e i r n a m e s , while it is only noblesse oblige for t h e m to r e m e m b e r m i n e . Yet if they t o o k a m o m e n t to d o t h e a r i t h m e t i c of my work life versus t h e i r work life, as I have, they w o u l d p e r h a p s u n d e r s t a n d a n d absolve, for they see t h e s a m e p e o p l e every day, t h e i r universe of clients a n d c o n t a c t s a n d colleagues is rela tively c o n f i n e d a n d stable, so t h a t a new t e m p like m e in their office is a novelty, a t o p i c of conversation, a p e r s o n to w h o m they c a n "give a l e g u p , " a n o u t s i d e r in w h o m they c a n con fide h a t r e d s a n d o l d w o u n d s . I stick in t h e i r m i n d b e c a u s e they a r e p l e a s e d t h a t they were a b l e to p u t aside class differences a n d t r e a t m e as a n e q u a l . " A r n o , hi!" A n d t h e r e I a m , stand i n g in front of P a r k Street Station, u n a b l e to r e c i p r o c a t e p r o p e r l y , feeling like a waiter asked to r e m e m b e r a n o r d e r from a t a b l e h e served m o n t h s before. T h e n a m e p r o b l e m is c o m p o u n d e d by t h e fact t h a t t h e r e is a p p a r e n t l y s o m e vulnerability in my c o u n t e n a n c e t h a t signals to lost p e o p l e t h a t I s h o u l d b e a p p r o a c h e d for directions. I have g o t t e n g o o d at s e n s i n g t h e lost n o w as they look over a crowdlet of p o t e n t i a l h e l p at a s t o p sign: they s p o t m e , a n d t h o u g h I ' m w e a r i n g a tie like t h e o t h e r m e n , they seem to smell t h a t I ' m a t e m p a n d m u s t t h e r e f o r e b e p e r m a n e n t l y lonely a n d lowly, a sick c a r i b o u t h a t t h e wolf singles o u t for a t t e n t i o n ; they know t h a t they will feel at ease with m e a b o u t a d m i t t i n g to b e i n g a s t r a n g e r b e c a u s e I a m g o i n g to welcome any h u m a n c o n t a c t , any i n d i c a t i o n t h a t I ' m established a n d 44
THE
FERMATA
n o t transient. I go t h r o u g h p e r i o d s w h e n I a m asked t h r e e times a day for directions. A n d these lost p e o p l e a r e
right—I
d o like b e i n g i n t e r r u p t e d o n t h e street, especially by w o m e n , b u t by m e n , t o o . I a m p o o r at r e t a i n i n g street n a m e s , however, even streets t h a t h o l d b u i l d i n g s in w h i c h I've w o r k e d in t h e past. F o r a while I deliberately s t u d i e d m a p s of t h e business district in t h e evening, c o u n t i n g traffic lights a n d m e m o r i z i n g cross streets a n d helpful l a n d m a r k s , so t h a t I w o u l d live u p to t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s of u n i n t i m i d a t i n g g u i d a n c e t h a t m y face a n d features s e e m to create. (I find t h a t t h e r e s p o n s e is especially heavy if I a m carrying s o m e bulky item, like a b u n c h of flowers o r a W a n g VS b a c k u p disk.) As a result, I n e v e r k n o w if t h e p e r s o n c o m i n g toward m e o n t h e sidewalk a n d s e e k i n g eye c o n t a c t is s o m e o n e I w o r k e d with at Gillette o r K e n d a l l o r Ropes & Gray o r P o l a r o i d o r MassBank o r A r t h u r Y o u n g , o r w h e t h e r h e o r she j u s t n e e d s to k n o w h o w to g e t to Milk Street. D u r i n g t h e p e r i o d s w h e n I have full Fold-powers, however, these difficulties a r e easily solved. As s o o n as I h e a r a n " A r n o , hi!" I c a n d o a D r o p a n d c h e c k wallet o r p u r s e I D a n d t h e n greet whoever it is properly. It m a k e s s u c h a difference. I d o n ' t feel cringey a n d c a n lose myself in t h e p l e a s u r e of t h e r e u n ion: for I really d o like m o s t of t h e p e o p l e I have w o r k e d with over t h e years; almost all of t h e m have s o m e lovable feature. A n d if s o m e o n e asks m e h o w to get to a p l a c e t h a t I s h o u l d know perfectly well h o w to get to a n d d o n ' t , I c a n freeze his i n q u i r i n g expression a n d c h e c k a m a p . (I carry o n e in m y briefcase, as well as my old b o t t l e of c o n t a c t - l e n s solution, in case s o m e o n e finds herself in o c u l a r distress.) O f c o u r s e , I c o u l d pull o u t t h e m a p while h e looks o n , b u t I h a t e to see t h a t shifty, c l o u d e d look c o m e i n t o his eyes as h e t h i n k s to himself, This guy d o e s n ' t have a c l u e — I s h o u l d have asked o n e of t h e o t h e r s . Also, w h e n I p u l l o u t a m a p to h e l p a 45
NICHOLSON
BAKER
tourist, especially a n Asian tourist, I inevitably e n d u p giving it to h i m , b e c a u s e impulsive generosity is s u c h a h i g h — a n d those maps are
ridiculously
expensive.
I ' m n o t b e i n g q u i t e fair to myself, t h e n , w h e n I say t h a t t h e Fold is j u s t a sexual aid. It is primarily t h a t — m y Fold-energies s e e m to b e a direct b y - p r o d u c t of my a p p e t i t e for nakedness. I d o u b t t h a t I w o u l d have w o r m e d my way i n t o t h e F e r m a t a even o n c e if I h a d n o t b e e n m o t i v a t e d primarily by t h e desire to take w o m e n ' s clothes off. B u t I d o n ' t w a n t to i g n o r e o r d e p r e c i a t e t h e r a n g e of n o n s e x u a l uses t h a t I have p u t it to. I have, for e x a m p l e , relied o n it for t h i n g s like last-minute C h r i s t m a s s h o p p i n g ; it's nice to browse in u t t e r silence. W h e n I ' m irritable at work, a n d I know t h a t t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d m e d o n ' t deserve my m i s a n t h r o p y , I c a n stop t h e m all u n t i l I ' m f o n d of t h e m a g a i n . If s o m e o n e m a k e s a revealing c o m m e n t in passing, I c a n take t i m e o u t to t h i n k a b o u t its h i d d e n i m p l i c a t i o n s a n d c h e c k t h e expressions of o t h e r s w h o have h e a r d it, all while I ' m right t h e r e a n d it is fresh in my m i n d . I also u s e t h e F o l d w h e n I ' m called o n to c o m e u p with s o m e t h i n g especially u n d e r s t a n d i n g o r sympathetic in a con versation a n d I w a n t to b e s u r e t h a t my tact is exactly o n k e y — a l t h o u g h t h e r e is a serious risk in m u l l i n g over y o u r k i n d n e s s for any l o n g e r t h a n fifteen o r twenty seconds, be c a u s e as y o u w e i g h a n d polish y o u r r e s p o n s e you c a n quickly lose y o u r w o r k i n g sense of t h e i m m e d i a t e e m o t i o n a l flux. I've nearly d e r a i l e d o n e o r two i m p o r t a n t h e a r t - t o - h e a r t talks by p a u s i n g so l o n g to h o n e my t o n e t h a t w h e n I was finally ready to r e - e n t e r t i m e I knew t h a t I was g o i n g to b e brittle a n d foolish a n d insincere, exactly w h a t I ' d D r o p p e d o u t to avoid, a n d I h a d a very h a r d t i m e w o r k i n g myself b a c k a r o u n d to t h e mood
t h a t h a d m a d e t h e conversation s e e m
important
e n o u g h for m e to have w a n t e d to i n t e r r u p t it in t h e first place. 46
THE
FERMATA
N o n e t h e l e s s , u s e d sparingly, t h e Fold c a n really h e l p with commiseration. It is a n obvious escape, t o o — t h o u g h h e r e a g a i n , I have l e a r n e d to use it sparingly. I was given a t e m p a s s i g n m e n t at the a l u m n i office of a g r a d u a t e school, w h e r e I was asked to roll u p posters a n d stuff t h e m in m a i l i n g t u b e s . I d i d this for four straight days. I w o u l d n o t have m i n d e d if t h e p o s t e r s h a d n o t b e e n so ugly. O n t h e s e c o n d day, I f o u n d it difficult to e n t e r t a i n t h e n o t i o n of r o l l i n g u p o n e m o r e p u r p l e - a n d - b l a c k p o s t e r — t h e waste of glossy p a p e r , of p o s t office energy, of university m o n e y , s e e m e d t o o awful—and so I hit t h e c l u t c h a n d took two n o n - h o u r s to r e a d s o m e of D i a n a C r a n e ' s The Transformation of the Avant-Garde.
I n t h a t case it h e l p e d a lot:
the b o o k was better, m o r e licentiously t o o t h s o m e , for b e i n g r e a d en Folde. B u t t h e r e have b e e n o t h e r times w h e n , o n c e I have lapsed i n t o t h e timelessness of t h e a r r e s t e d instant, t h e p a r t i c u l a r o b l i g a t i o n o r p e r s o n from w h o m I have t e m p o r a r ily freed myself b e c o m e s m o r e a n d m o r e horrific, p o s e d in its o r his stalled i m m i n e n c e , a n d t h e i d e a t h a t I will have to take u p right w h e r e I have left off b e c o m e s u n b e a r a b l e , a n d I r e - e n t e r time's cattle-drive with a sense of defeat a n d u n h a p piness m o r e a c u t e t h a n any I felt b e f o r e I h a d d u c k e d , o r copped, out. I think, too, t h a t it is exceedingly d a n g e r o u s to D r o p w h e n you are in any sort of d e p r e s s i o n a b o u t h o w b a d t h e world is. A Fold t h e n c a n d e e p e n infinitely—since in a way you a r e now in c o n t r o l over w h e t h e r all t h e world's c o n t i n u i n g atroci ties a n d tragedies s h o u l d r e s u m e o r n o t . Y o u k n o w t h a t as s o o n as you give t h e g o - a h e a d to t i m e a g a i n , p e t s will n o t b e given e n o u g h water, feelings will b e needlessly h u r t , killings, crashes, miscarriages of j u s t i c e , b u r e a u c r a t i c h a r a s s m e n t , in fidelity,
artistic d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s , a n d worse will all g o for47
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ward, a n d you b e g i n to t h i n k t h a t you will b e in a sense their cause, you will b e directly r e s p o n s i b l e for t h e m , since you have a c h o i c e w h e t h e r to let t h e m h a p p e n , by o p t i n g to restart time o r n o t . W h e n I a m in a Fold, I know for a fact t h a t n o w o m a n a n y w h e r e is crying o r feeling betrayed, a n d since I w a n t above all for w o m e n n o t to cry, I c a n b e g i n to believe, irrationally, t h a t it is m y d u t y to live o u t my e n t i r e life in this artificial solitude, e a t i n g c a n n e d foods. " H e d i e d s u d d e n l y , " they w o u l d say o n discovering my a b r u p t l y a g e d body. B u t w h e n I died, all t h e misery-in-progress t h a t I h a d so heroically h e l d at bay for forty-odd years w o u l d r e s u m e anyway. I d o n ' t have any p o w e r to alter t h e fact t h a t evils will d o t h e i r work, only how " s o o n " they will. As a c o n s e q u e n c e , I have d e t e r m i n e d t h a t my F o l d o u t s s h o u l d in g e n e r a l b e short, recreational, a n d masturbatory, rather than deep and pained. I s h o u l d m e n t i o n h e r e , t h o u g h , u n d e r t h e h e a d i n g of n o n sexual uses of t h e F e r m a t a , o n e of my least attractive episodes. T h r e e black kids, a g e e i g h t e e n o r so, s t o p p e d m e o n e after n o o n a n d asked w h i c h way t h e B o s t o n C o m m o n was, a n d w h e n I p u t o n m y u s u a l "Yes, I'd b e d e l i g h t e d to h e l p you find y o u r way, a n d I will of c o u r s e b e discreet a b o u t y o u r sketchy k n o w l e d g e of this a r e a of t h e city, a n d w h e n you walk away you will b e c h e e r e d by t h e conviction t h a t you did t h e r i g h t t h i n g asking m e a n d n o t t h o s e o t h e r , less a m i a b l e p e o p l e for direc t i o n s " face, o n e of t h e kids p l a c e d a g u n to my j a w (this was n e a r t h e m e d i c a l c e n t e r d o w n t o w n ) , a n d asked m e to give h i m m y wallet a n d watch. I t i m e d o u t by p u s h i n g o n t h e leada d v a n c e b u t t o n of my m e c h a n i c a l pencil (in my back p o c k e t ) , a n d t o o k t h e g u n o u t of play. I was t r e m b l i n g , o u t r a g e d t h a t these kids w o u l d feel e n t i t l e d to my wallet a n d watch a n d were willing to t h r e a t e n m e with d e a t h to get t h e m . I was p u t in m i n d of t h e old j o k e y way of t e a c h i n g genuflection: "Specta48
THE
FERMATA
cles, testicles, wallet, w a t c h . " So I g o t s o m e wire from t h e b a c k of a New E n g l a n d T e l e p h o n e t r u c k t h a t was p a r k e d n e a r b y a n d tied all t h r e e of t h e m by t h e balls to a n e a r b y s t o p sign. It is a s o m e w h a t d i s o r i e n t i n g e x p e r i e n c e to b e calmly w i n d i n g t e l e p h o n e wire a r o u n d t h e testicle-sack of a p e r s o n w h o h a s j u s t b e e n in t h e process of m u g g i n g you. I t a p e d t h e i r dicks u p t e m p o r a r i l y so t h a t they w o u l d n ' t a n n o y m e by h a n g i n g in my way while I w o u n d . (Two were u n c i r c u m c i s e d . ) W h e n all t h r e e of t h e m were fully s e c u r e d to t h e s t o p sign, t h e t h r e e wires exiting t h e backs of t h e i r p a n t s t h r o u g h h o l e s I h a d s n i p p e d with wire cutters, I s t o o d b a c k a few paces, t u r n e d time o n , a n d , with p a t h e t i c b r a v a d o , said, " C o m e a n d get m e , you little fucks!" Startled, they sized u p t h e s i t u a t i o n for a second, t h e n l u n g e d after m e a n d fell forward at o n c e , swear i n g with p a i n . I l o p e d off, feeling increasingly remorseful, n o t to m e n t i o n relieved t h a t I h a d n ' t in t h e first flush of my vengefulness c u t off t h e i r balls a l t o g e t h e r a n d d r a g g e d t h e m to t h e e m e r g e n c y r o o m ; a n o p t i o n , I a m a s h a m e d to say, t h a t I h a d briefly c o n s i d e r e d . ( C a n o n e b l e e d to d e a t h from cas tration? Probably. A n d it was d o u b t f u l they h a d m e d i c a l insurance.) After t h a t u n s e t t l i n g e x p e r i e n c e I s p e n t a n "after n o o n " p e r f o r m i n g acts of lite altruism, w a n d e r i n g in t h e F o l d t h r o u g h c r u m m y n e i g h b o r h o o d s collecting c o n c e a l e d h a n d g u n s off a n y o n e w h o l o o k e d u n d e r thirty, b u t t h e frisking was tiring a n d distasteful work, a n d I s t o p p e d after I h a d only forty-four w e a p o n s in my c o m m a n d e e r e d s h o p p i n g cart, with the sense t h a t I h a d d o n e n o t h i n g of real value, a n d h a d possibly even destabilized a m o m e n t a r i l y t r a n q u i l street scene. (Still u n d e r cover of t h e F e r m a t a , I p u s h e d t h e w e a p o n s i n t o s o m e newly p o u r e d c e m e n t at a c o n s t r u c t i o n site.)
49
4
JL-^UT
1 D O LIKE T R A N S C R I B I N G MICROCASSETTES. I M E N T I O N
this b e c a u s e only a few days after I wrote t h a t very first sur le w / c h u n k a b o u t J o y c e ' s e x u b e r a n t p u b i c hair, I was i m m e r s e d in o n e of h e r t a p e s , d o g - p a d d l i n g a l o n g in t h e m o o n l i t scumless lily p o n d of h e r consciousness, my eyes fixed o n t h e g r e e n letters t h a t she called f o r t h from my fingertips, w h e n I g l a n c e d u p to see h e r walking briskly t o w a r d m e , wiggling a p e n a n d l o o k i n g to o n e side as if p r e o c c u p i e d . I m a d e a m o v e to take off my h e a d p h o n e s , b u t she h e l d u p h e r p a l m s , i n d i c a t i n g t h a t I s h o u l d c o n t i n u e t r a n s c r i b i n g , evidently feeling a twinge of t h e guilt w h i c h c o n s i d e r a t e p e o p l e often feel w h e n they d r o p off a n u n u s u a l a m o u n t of work for a t e m p to d o in a 50
THE
FERMATA
short interval of time. O b e d i e n t , I k e p t o n t r a n s c r i b i n g . " S u b j e c t indicated t h a t h i g h credit was in t h e low six figures," etc. Joyce m e a n w h i l e wrote s o m e t h i n g o n a scrap of p a p e r a n d affixed it with o n e of t h e r u b b e r b a n d s from m y r u b b e r - b a n d tray to t h e cassette a n d p u t it o n t o p of my m o n i t o r . It said, " N o rush, t h a n k s . " I n o d d e d , m a k i n g my m o u t h i n t o a d o w n ward U of c o n s p i r a t o r i a l assent. I d i d n ' t tell h e r t h a t I was typing h e r own earlier t a p e . I let h e r walk away. A n d t h e sight of h e r d i m i n i s h i n g figure, while at t h e s a m e t i m e h e r voice talked so tiredly a n d yet evenly in my e a r of h i g h credit a n d low credit (this b a n k j o b was b e n e a t h her, surely), m a d e my interest in her, my love for her, flare u p . I loved h e r , for instance, for n o t writing " T h a n x " o n h e r n o t e a n d n o t u s i n g a n e x c l a m a t i o n p o i n t . I w a t c h e d h e r g o b a c k to h e r desk a n d sit d o w n a n d p u l l in h e r c h a i r a n d pick u p t h e p h o n e . She was a woman. T h o u g h I ' m thirty-five, as I s e e m to w a n t to p o i n t o u t o n every p a g e , I a m often surprised by t h e simple observa tion t h a t t h e r e are w o m e n , t h a t they w e a r rustly layers of clothing, t h a t they have lips a n d t e e t h w h i c h o n occasion they e m p l o y to smile at m e . T h e y take t h e i r existence for g r a n t e d , b u t I d o n ' t , by any m e a n s . I think, t o o , in all modesty, t h a t I have a n u n u s u a l l y g o o d instinct for d e t e c t i n g w h e n a n aver age-looking w o m a n senses herself e n t e r i n g a new p h a s e of attractiveness. I c a n d e t e c t b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s w h e n a w o m a n feels t h a t she is l o o k i n g u n u s u a l l y g o o d t h a t day, o r w h e n s o m e t h i n g like a new h a i r c u t , o r t h e discovery of a store t h a t has the kind of clothes t h a t she looks best in, r e m i n d s h e r of t h e fact t h a t r o m a n c e a n d flirtation a r e p a r t of life, t o o . J o y c e is p e r h a p s n o t , objectively c o n s i d e r e d , s t u n n i n g , t h o u g h she is p r e t t y — b u t these h a p p e n to b e , I think, m i r a c l e weeks for her, as she learns to h e r surprise h o w she c a n b e beautiful in a thirty-year-old r a t h e r t h a n a twenty-three-year-old sort of 51
NICHOLSON
BAKER
way. T h e F r e n c h b r a i d is p a r t of it. I d o u b t very m u c h t h a t a n y o n e at work h a s said t h a t to h e r — " Y o u are e n t e r i n g a new p h a s e of beauty, J o y c e " — b u t s o m e of t h e m m u s t have n o t i c e d it, t o o . Joyce h a d been eating something—yogurt, probably—as she dictated. N o r m a l l y I a m n o t f o n d of this practice. B u t w h e n she said t h e w o r d " u n p l a n n e d " a n d I h e a r d o n e of those o d d p a l a t a l m o m e n t s , m o s t often associated with yogurt, in w h i c h t h e t o n e of h e r voice c h a n g e d suddenly, went nasal o n m e , I simply c o u l d n o t believe I was this close to her. My h e a d was practically in h e r m o u t h ! I h a d a g r e a t d e a l of work left to d o , t h o u g h , so I s n a p p e d t i m e off in o r d e r to have a few m i n u t e s of f r e e d o m to t h i n k a b o u t w h a t I m i g h t d o with J o y c e if I switched off t i m e in a b i g way. (I often d o this: I D r o p j u s t to itemize all t h e n e a t t h i n g s I c o u l d d o if I d i d D r o p right at t h a t m o m e n t . ) I c o u l d stay in t h e F o l d for several years, mas t e r i n g c a r p e n t r y a n d o t h e r b u i l d i n g trades, a n d c o n s t r u c t a n e n t i r e a l t e r n a t e city for h e r , a city with i r r e g u l a r spires a n d elevated walkways, w h e r e I w o u l d t r a n s p o r t her, a n d t h e n , t u r n i n g t i m e b a c k o n , I w o u l d wait in o n e of t h e deserted b u i l d i n g s I h a d b u i l t u n t i l she discovered m e , a n d I would profess total b e w i l d e r m e n t at h o w we h a d g o t t e n t h e r e a n d why we h a d b e e n left to fend for ourselves, a n d eventually she w o u l d get d e s p e r a t e a n d we w o u l d fuck sitting u p at twilight, l o o k i n g i n t o e a c h o t h e r ' s eyes, in t h e m i d d l e of a c o b b l e s t o n e street, e a c h c o b b l e of w h i c h I h a d laid by h a n d . O r I c o u l d write h e r a short, i m m o d e r a t e , u n c o o l letter telling h e r h o w w o n d e r f u l it was to d o h e r credit m e m o s a n d h o w little I h a d e x p e c t e d to m e e t s o m e o n e of h e r c h a r m o n this floor of t h e M a s s B a n k b u i l d i n g , a n d h o w extremely glad I was t h a t s h e liked m y glasses, a n d I c o u l d p a p e r - c l i p t h e n o t e to t h e b a c k of t h e p a p e r s I gave b a c k to her. O r I c o u l d b o r r o w 52
THE
FERMATA
h e r keys from h e r p u r s e a n d g o see w h a t h e r a p a r t m e n t looked like. (I u s e d to h a n g a r o u n d cafés in C a m b r i d g e o n Sundays, r e a d i n g w o m e n ' s h a n d w r i t t e n p o e t r y j o u r n a l s while in t h e Fold, b u t t h e s u r p r i s i n g t h i n g was h o w little you l e a r n e d a b o u t what t h e w o m e n were actually like, w h a t t h e i r m a n n e r was like, by r e a d i n g t h e i r p o e t r y j o u r n a l s — t h o u g h t h e i r h a n d writing told you s o m e t h i n g . Eventually I f o u n d t h a t a m o r e d e p e n d a b l e way to get a n idea of a p a r t i c u l a r w o m a n w i t h o u t actually talking to h e r was by h i t t i n g
PAUSE,
f i n d i n g h e r ad
dress, a n d b o r r o w i n g h e r keys to see h o w she lived.) O r I c o u l d p u t o n e of my special h o m e m a d e e d i t i o n s of a p a m p h l e t called Tales of French Love and Passion in a trash c a n j u s t as Joyce was tossing s o m e t h i n g o u t , so t h a t she w o u l d find it a n d p e r h a p s r e a d it. O r I c o u l d ask h e r o u t to d i n n e r . T h a t s e e m e d the m o s t r e a s o n a b l e t h i n g to d o . B u t in t h e e n d , needless to say, I b o r r o w e d h e r keys a n d checked o u t h e r a p a r t m e n t . I d r o p p e d i n t o t h e Fold at a r o u n d four-thirty. F o r t u n a t e l y for m e she lived o n G a r d e n Street, o n e of t h e streets t h a t slopes d o w n B e a c o n Hill, a fifteen-minute walk, a n d n o t o u t in B r o o k l i n e o r s o m e w h e r e , t h o u g h I w o u l d have b e e n willing to walk to B r o o k l i n e , o r at least b o r r o w a c o u r i e r ' s bicycle to get t h e r e , s o m e t h i n g I have d o n e often e n o u g h w h e n I have n e e d e d to get a r o u n d while the universe is off. ( T h e s t o p p e d traffic m a k e s driving a car in the Fold impractical.) J o y c e lived o n t h e fifth floor, in a small oddly s h a p e d studio a t t a c h e d to a n i n c o n g r u o u s l y l o n g n a r row s u n p o r c h , w h e r e she a p p a r e n t l y slept. T h e r e were a n u m b e r of flat canvas shoes, floral, t u r q u o i s e , in front of h e r sofa, which was a faded b l u e f o l d o u t a n d l o o k e d s e c o n d - h a n d . T h e floor was p a i n t e d gray. A plastic t a m p o n w r a p p e r crinkled u n d e r f o o t in t h e b a t h r o o m . H e r m a k e u p was t h r o w n h a p h a z ardly in a m e t a l b o x t h a t h a d o n c e h e l d s o m e sort of F r e n c h 53
NICHOLSON
BAKER
biscuit. A Piazzetta p o s t e r was o n o n e wall; a small framed illustration t a k e n from s o m e e i g h t e e n t h - c e n t u r y t e x t b o o k of perspective was o n a n o t h e r . H e r a l a r m was set to seven-forty. S h e was r e a d i n g several books; t h e only o n e s I recall now were Mary Midgley's Wickedness a n d D'Arcy T h o m p s o n ' s On Growth and Form. T h e r e was a b o t t l e of m a p l e syrup a n d a copy of a D o v e r b o o k , 500 Small Houses of the Twenties, o n t h e kitchen table. A cat, a lithe a d o l e s c e n t whose sex I d i d n ' t b o t h e r to d e t e r m i n e , was e s t o p p e l e d in t h e m i d d l e of j u m p i n g from a c o u n t e r o n t o a chair. I tried to get s o m e n o t i o n of what Joyce w o r e w h e n she w a s n ' t w e a r i n g work clothes, b u t as usual, w h e n I h i t t h e c l u t c h to s n o o p , I c o u l d n ' t : it is n o t intuitively o b v i o u s w h a t items g o with w h a t o t h e r s . B u t h e r mess was g o o d — I love messy w o m e n . ( O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , I love n e a t women.) T h e b e s t t h i n g a b o u t h e r a p a r t m e n t , t h o u g h , in my o p i n ion, was t h e m a t t r e s s p a d . It was o n e of t h o s e b u m p y thera p e u t i c o n e s , m a d e of h u n d r e d s of r o u n d e d i n c h - h i g h hillocks o r p i n g o s of foam, t h a t p e o p l e use to d a m p e n t h e pressure p o i n t s of t o o firm a mattress. I h a d never k n o w n a n y o n e personally w h o u s e d o n e . It gave m e g r e a t p l e a s u r e to slip my h a n d u n d e r t h e disorderly b l a n k e t s to feel it u n d e r t h e sheet. My fingers l o o k e d as if they were playing t h e p i a n o as they p a s s e d over its repetitively d i m p l e d surface. I p u l l e d u p a c o r n e r of t h e fitted sheet. T h e f o a m p a d was a dark-yellow color; w h e n I s t a r e d at it, t h e p a t t e r n of identical shadows tricked my eyes with false dimensionalities. I felt as if I were l o o k i n g at a r o u g h a p p r o x i m a t i o n , in foam, of time's t r u e g e o m e t r y . Everyone else stayed at t h e level of t h e sheet, a n d only I c o u l d d r o p below it. F e e l i n g J o y c e ' s m a t t r e s s p a d m a d e m e w a n t to kiss her. I n o t only w a n t e d to kiss her, w h i c h I c o u l d d o easily u s i n g time 54
THE
FERMATA
trickery—I w a n t e d h e r to know I was kissing h e r a n d to w a n t m e to b e kissing her, which was a g r e a t d e a l h a r d e r to b r i n g a b o u t . I t u r n e d o n o n e of h e r k i t c h e n taps; a trickle of water c a m e o u t (water p r e s s u r e is never g o o d in t h e F o l d ) , a n d I d r a n k a little from o n e of h e r k i t c h e n glasses. J u s t b e f o r e I left h e r a p a r t m e n t a n d walked b a c k to work, I p l a c e d , u n d e r a n a n t i q u e glass b o t t l e o n t h e sill of h e r s u n p o r c h - b e d r o o m , entirely o u t of sight, w i t h o u t k n o w i n g exactly why I was d o i n g it, a folded fortune-cookie f o r t u n e t h a t I h a d f o u n d in a bowl of forgotten things o n t o p of h e r refrigerator. It said, " S m i l e w h e n you are r e a d y . " T h e n I walked b a c k to work. W h e n I h a d p u t o n my h e a d p h o n e s a n d r e a s s u m e d t h e lost, s o m e what spiritual expression of t h e c o n c e n t r a t i n g t r a n s c r i b e r , I s n a p p e d everything back to life. B u t I h a d entirely m i s j u d g e d my capacity to h a n d l e t h e s o u n d of Joyce's a b r u p t l y r e s u m e d business voice in my ears so s o o n after I h a d g o t t e n s u c h a h u g e a n d illicit i d e a of h e r a p a r t m e n t . T h e fact t h a t she h a d n o n o t i o n of w h a t I h a d j u s t d o n e , t h a t she d i d n o t know t h e full e x t e n t of my k n o w l e d g e of h e r mattress p a d , p a i n e d m e m u c h m o r e t h a n I e x p e c t e d — n o t b e c a u s e my unlawful e n t r y was w r o n g , exactly, b u t b e cause I felt t h a t my fuller sense of h e r life was g o i n g to m a k e it m o r e difficult for m e to ask h e r o u t , r a t h e r t h a n easier. T h e m o r e I l e a r n e d a b o u t h e r , t h e m o r e I liked h e r , with a friendly, almost marital sort of well-wishing affection; b u t also t h e h a r d e r it was t o i m a g i n e my h a v i n g d i n n e r with h e r a n d p r e t e n d i n g t h a t I knew n o t h i n g e x c e p t w h a t she was willing to tell m e . H e r p u b i c hair, h e r braid, I c o u l d h a n d l e j u s t fine: they were g r a p h i c sights a n d t e x t u r e s w h o s e m e m o r i e s w o u l d n ' t get in t h e way of any later, m o r e p r e l i m i n a r y flirtation, b u t still-lifes like t h e m a p l e syrup a n d t h e D o v e r b o o k o n t h e kitchen table m a d e m e i m a g i n e s p e n d i n g m y life with h e r , 55
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a n d h o w c o u l d I possibly s p e n d my life with h e r if I h a d to k e e p t h e secret of my Fold-proficiencies a n d activities from her? T h i s sort of d o u b t was n o t entirely unfamiliar, b u t in the p a s t I h a d simply c o n c l u d e d ( m o s t recently after R h o d y b r o k e u p with m e over this very issue) t h a t I was never g o i n g to get m a r r i e d , a n d I was c o n t e n t with t h a t c o n c l u s i o n . This time, t h o u g h , I f o u n d it d e p r e s s i n g to t h i n k t h a t I h a d j u s t b e e n in h e r a p a r t m e n t , in h e r life, sitting o n h e r b e d , a n d yet t h a t if I d i d n ' t act o n my love—or whatever such a hybrid e m o t i o n s h o u l d b e called w h e n you l e a r n i m p o r t a n t t h i n g s a b o u t a w o m a n all in t h e w r o n g o r d e r — b y asking h e r o u t , t h e n I m i g h t n o t , in a year o r so, if I r a n i n t o h e r o n t h e street, even r e m e m b e r h e r n a m e : I w o u l d have to u s e t h e Fold t h e n simply in o r d e r to b e p o l i t e to her.
56
5
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ B V I O U S L Y
I
WAS
MISTAKEN
IN
PREDICTING
EARLIER
IN
these p a g e s t h a t J o y c e w o u l d play a m i n o r r o l e in my a u t o b i ography. I finished d o i n g h e r t a p e a n d walked over to h e r office to deliver it, i n t e n d i n g to ask h e r o u t . B u t she was talking to a witty c h a r m i n g SVP w h o m I f o u n d i n t i m i d a t i n g a n d d i d n ' t w a n t to c o m p e t e with. I n s t e a d , I j u s t n o d d e d at t h e m b o t h a n d gave h e r t h e p a p e r s . At five o'clock I left. I got to my place feeling e x t r e m e l y sad, h o p e l e s s , a l m o s t tearful. O n my desk were t h r e e v i b r a t i n g dildos of varying d e g r e e s of stylization, a l o n g with a w o m a n - d e s i g n e d v i b r a t i n g butterfly, a n d a Jeff Stryker p e n i s p u m p . T h e y were all " m i n t - i n - b o x , " as toy collectors say. I sat d o w n in my c h a i r a n d l o o k e d at 57
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e m , feeling g r e a t waves of misery. I h a d o r d e r e d t h e m from a c o m p a n y in S a n Francisco, p a y i n g e x t r a for F e d e r a l Express delivery, in t h e m o m e n t a r y g r i p of t h e idea t h a t I w o u l d b e a b l e s o m e t i m e s o o n to watch J o y c e use o n e o r m o r e of these devices o n herself. I b o u g h t t h e p e n i s p u m p as a n after t h o u g h t , so t h a t I w o u l d have it in reserve as a b a r g a i n i n g tool: "You g o a h e a d a n d use these v i b r a t i n g dildos for m e , a n d I'll p u m p m y p e n i s for you with this p e n i s p u m p . " B u t I c o u l d n ' t afford these m a c h i n e s — a l m o s t two h u n d r e d dollars' w o r t h of sexual h a r d w a r e — a n d it s e e m e d p a t h e t i c a n d undignified for m e to have t h e m in s t o r a g e in my life w h e n I w o u l d never b e a b l e to u s e t h e m with s o m e o n e like Joyce. S i p p i n g wine, with t h e r a d i o p l a y i n g s o m e progressive j a z z c o n s t r u c t with t h e u s u a l cleanly m i k e d b o n g o s a n d synthesized tribal flutes a n d pre-enjoyed Steely D a n c h o r d s , I filled o u t t h e r e t u r n slip, w r o t e , Nobody to use these with, unfortunately, SON
FOR RETURN
n e x t to t h e
REA
line, a n d o n e by o n e I t u c k e d t h e m back
in t h e c a r t o n they c a m e in (they h a d b e e n responsibly p a c k e d in recycled styrene), m y self-pity m o u n t i n g to impossible h e i g h t s . I w a n t e d . . . I w a n t e d to tell J o y c e my d r e a m of a flying b l u e brassiere: t h a t we w o u l d b e s t r a n d e d in a r o w b o a t in t h e m i d d l e of a sulfur lake, a n d t h e only way we could e s c a p e is if she t o o k off h e r shirt a n d r e m o v e d h e r flying b l u e brassiere a n d k n e e l e d in its c u p s a n d took s t r o n g h o l d of t h e straps a n d p u l l e d u p o n t h e m for lift, u s i n g t h e m as a steeringb r i d l e . I w o u l d ride piggyback, a n d she, n o b l e b a r e - b r e a s t e d h o r s e w o m a n of Lycra, w o u l d lift us a n d swoosh us to v e r d a n t safety. I also w a n t e d to tell h e r t h e d r e a m I h a d m a n y m o r n ings j u s t b e f o r e I woke u p , t h a t my m o u t h was filled with a n e n o r m o u s wad of decayed B a z o o k a c h e w i n g g u m : I h a d stuffed in e i g h t o r n i n e loaves of g u m b e c a u s e t h e first taste was so a t t e n t i o n - g e t t i n g l y tart, b u t n o w it was c h a n g e d for t h e 58
THE
FERMATA
worse—sticky a n d oppressive, a l m o s t d o u g h y , a l m o s t friable, a n d I tried to h o o k its u n p l e a s a n t mass o u t of m y m o u t h with my finger a n d c o u l d n ' t r e m o v e it, b u t o n w a k i n g I discovered that t h e g u m - m a s s was in reality j u s t m y t o n g u e , w h i c h as I moved u p toward consciousness h a d m a d e its sluggish p r e s e n c e known against t h e reviving nerves of t h e r o o f of m y m o u t h . I w a n t e d to tell J o y c e these d r e a m s . B u t she w a s n ' t m y lover, a n d lovers are t h e only p e o p l e w h o will p u t u p with hearing your dreams. I d o n ' t t h i n k t h a t loneliness is necessarily a b a d o r u n c o n structive c o n d i t i o n . My o w n skill at j a m m i n g t i m e m a y actu ally b e d e p e n d e n t o n s o m e fluid m i x t u r e of e m o t i o n s , a m o n g t h e m curiosity, sexual desire, a n d love, all s u s p e n d e d in a solvent m e d i u m of loneliness. I like t h e h e r o e s o r h e r o i n e s of books I r e a d to b e living a l o n e , a n d feeling lonely, b e c a u s e r e a d i n g is itself a state of artificially e n h a n c e d loneliness. Loneliness m a k e s you c o n s i d e r o t h e r p e o p l e ' s lives, m a k e s you m o r e polite to t h o s e you d e a l with in passing, d a m p e n s irony a n d cynicism. T h e i n t e r i o r of t h e F o l d is, of c o u r s e , t h e place of u l t i m a t e loneliness, a n d I like it t h e r e . B u t t h e r e are times w h e n t h e wish for o t h e r s ' voices, for friendliness r e t u r n e d , r e a c h e s u n p l e a s a n t levels, a n d b e c o m e s a k i n d of i m m o b i l i z i n g p a i n . T h a t was h o w it felt as I finished p a c k i n g u p t h e b o x of sex m a c h i n e s . I u s e d a " t a p e g u n " to t a p e it back u p , j u s t like t h e p r o s at Mailboxes USA. A t a p e g u n is a triggerless m a c h i n e with a h a n d l e t h a t e n a b l e s you t o dis p e n s e t a p e from thick rolls o n e - h a n d e d . It h a s a set of s h a r p metal t e e t h t h a t c u t t h e t a p e at will, like t h e row r u n n i n g a l o n g a b o x of plastic w r a p t h a t c a n h u r t y o u r finger if you r u m m a g e overhastily in a drawer, b u t its w h o l e
function
stands in swords-into-plowshares o p p o s i t i o n to t h e g u n — i t is m e a n t to seal, to m e n d , to h o l d t o g e t h e r , r a t h e r t h a n t o injure 59
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a n d r e n d . I b o u g h t it at a n office-supply store as a reward after a n awful week w o r k i n g for t h e D e p a r t m e n t of Social Services t y p i n g Social Security n u m b e r s in b o x e s t h a t were n o t spaced to fit e i t h e r of t h e type sizes of t h e typewriter. Now, in my m o m e n t of despair, t a p i n g u p t h e c a r t o n of sex toys, I lifted this nicely b a l a n c e d t a p e g u n a n d h e l d it to m y t e m p l e , a n d investigated my wish to d i e — a n d in d o i n g so I immediately realized h o w l a u g h a b l y far I was from actual suicide, a n d how g o o d , h a p p y , lucky, fundamentally, my life was. T h e idea of trying to c o m m i t suicide over a b o x of v i b r a t i n g dildos with a t a p e g u n h e l d at m y t e m p l e struck m e as almost comic. It got m e over t h e h u m p of Joyce-loneliness. I d e c i d e d t h a t w h a t I really n e e d e d to d o was go to t h e library a n d get o u t s o m e m o r e a u t o b i o g r a p h i e s a n d r e a d t h e m , so t h a t I would have a b e t t e r i d e a of h o w to write this o n e properly. Before I left, I c u t o p e n t h e c a r t o n t h a t I h a d j u s t sealed u p with t a p e a n d t o o k o u t o n e of t h e v i b r a t i n g dildos (not t h e Pleasure Pallas, a m e d i u m - s i z e d J a p a n e s e - m a d e o n e in t h e s h a p e of A t h e n a h o l d i n g a n oddly flamed t o r c h of wisdom in h e r h a n d s , t h e t o r c h b e i n g in fact a p l i a n t clitoris-stimulating projection; b u t r a t h e r t h e M o n a s t i c o n , w h i c h was a large twisting C a p u c h i n m o n k h o l d i n g a clit-nuzzling o p e n m a n u s c r i p t ) , a n d p u t it in m y briefcase. I b r u s h e d my teeth. T h e n I r e c o n s i d e r e d , a n d p u t t h e h o t - p i n k v i b r a t i n g Butterfly in my briefcase as well. It w o u l d b e a waste of life's possibilities to s e n d t h e m dolefully back, I t h o u g h t , j u s t b e c a u s e I m i g h t never use t h e m with J o y c e . M u c h m o r e sensible to d i s t r i b u t e t h e m free at t h e library. I was luckier t h a n u s u a l in finding t h e b o o k s I wanted. M a u r i c e B a r i n g ' s a u t o b i o g r a p h y , The Puppet Show of Memory, was o n t h e shelf, as was G e o r g e S a n t a y a n a ' s Persons and Places, The Memoirs of John Addington 60
Symonds, a n d J a n e A d d a m s ' s
THE
Twenty Years at Hull-House.
FERMATA
I sat d o w n at a large table a n d
looked my b o o k s over. T h e p a r t i c u l a r library table I h a d c h o sen with s o m e care, of course: it h a d o n e o t h e r r e s i d e n t — a petite w o m a n in h e r late thirties with curly s a l t - a n d - p e p p e r hair, w e a r i n g a short-sleeved t o p a n d e a r r i n g s m a d e of c l o u d y yellow glass. S h e was l o o k i n g t h r o u g h several piles of m i crofilm copies, s o r t i n g t h e m a n d circling p a r a g r a p h s every so often. S h e s p u n h e r p e n gently, silently, o n t h e table as she read, as if it were a s p i n n e r in a child's g a m e . H e r eyes m o v e d with impressive s p e e d over t h e c h e m i c a l - s m e l l i n g legal-sized pages, b u t she l o o k e d tired from s p e n d i n g h o u r s g a z i n g at t h e gray light of o n e of t h e library's h o r r i b l e microfilm r e a d e r s , c o n t e n d i n g with t h e t r e m b l i n g m a g n i f i e d c r o t c h hairs a n d scratches o n its screen. I s t o p p e d t i m e to find o u t w h a t s h e h a d b e e n microfilming: it t u r n e d o u t to b e c o p i e s of
Harper's
Bazaar from t h e late forties. I d i d n ' t t o u c h her. I w a n t e d only to a r o u s e h e r — o r n o t even to a r o u s e her, b u t simply to b e a subliminal p a r t of h e r life. I w a n t e d h e r to b e c o m e vaguely a r o u s e d , w i t h o u t k n o w i n g I was t h e s o u r c e of h e r arousal. S h e n e e d e d , it s e e m e d to m e , to see, o r sense, my M o v i n g Psi Squares. I h a d in my briefcase t h r e e rarely o p e n e d e n velopes. O n e h e l d m a n y o n e - i n c h s q u a r e s of c o n s t r u c t i o n p a p e r , s o m e black, s o m e pink. T h e s e c o n d h e l d o n e - i n c h squares I h a d c u t o u t of fashion m a g a z i n e s a n d G a r n e t Hill catalogs, j u s t faces: beautiful, interesting, exotic, o r otherwise noteworthy w o m e n ' s a n d m e n ' s faces. T h e t h i r d e n v e l o p e h e l d squares I h a d c u t o u t of a flyer I h a d g o t t e n in t h e m a i l from a place called E l m w o o d Distributors, a s o m e w h a t lowe n d d i s t r i b u t o r of p o r n films, m o s t of w h i c h were c o m p i l a tions, o r " r e v u e s , " of s u r p r i s i n g specificity, with titles s u c h as Double Hand-Job Revue, Brunette Lactating Hermaphrodite
Blow-
job Revue, a n d Big Uncut Dick Facial Cumshot Revue. E a c h film 61
NICHOLSON
BAKER
was illustrated by a single o n e - i n c h - s q u a r e still, s o m e of which I h a d c u t o u t . N o w I a r r a n g e d m a n y of these squares r a n d o m l y in a r e c t a n g l e a r o u n d t h e microfilm p a g e t h a t t h e w o m a n was g a z i n g at, t o o k my seat, lifted my book, a n d s n a p p e d t i m e o n for a fraction of a s e c o n d a n d t h e n off again: s n a p s n a p . T h e n I w e n t over to h e r a n d displaced e a c h square in a counterclockwise d i r e c t i o n , a g a i n t o o k my seat, a g a i n s n a p p e d t i m e o n a n d i m m e d i a t e l y off. I d i d this repeatedly, d o z e n s a n d d o z e n s of times, w a n t i n g to offer h e r a p u l s i n g m a r q u e e of i m a g e s o n t h e p e r i p h e r y of h e r vision as she r e a d h e r forties Harper's Bazaars. I m u s t say, t h e work was tedious in t h e e x t r e m e — w h e n e v e r I d o my M o v i n g Psi Squares I feel n e w r e s p e c t for t h e m o s t primitive of Sesame Street a n i m a t e d shorts, a n d I ' m awed by H a n n a - B a r b e r a . (Sometimes, w h e n I have less energy, I e m p l o y j u s t o n e s q u a r e , a face-square o r a p o r n - s q u a r e , s o m e t h i n g t h a t I think, j u d g i n g by t h e way t h e w o m a n looks, m i g h t interest her, flashing it for a n instant every m i n u t e o r so in a different p o s i t i o n o n t h e o p e n p a g e of t h e b o o k she is r e a d i n g . ) I n t h e p r e s e n t case, t h e w o m a n with t h e c l o u d y yellow e a r r i n g s sighed a n d lowered h e r h e a d for a m o m e n t . I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d r e m o v e d all t h e squares a n d p u t t h e m away, t h e n switched t i m e o n . S h e yawned, t h r o w i n g h e r h e a d b a c k with h e r h a n d s h e l d b e h i n d h e r neck; t h e n she p r e s s e d h e r t h u m b h a r d b e t w e e n h e r eyebrows. She t h o u g h t she h a d b e e n w o r k i n g t o o h a r d , s e e i n g t h i n g s — a n d in fact she h a d b e e n s e e i n g t h i n g s : she h a d b e e n seeing t h e little sexsquares t h a t I was s t r o b i n g i n t o h e r life. I sensed h e r glance at m e for a m o m e n t . I d i d n ' t look u p : I was p a g i n g in a leisurely, p r e o c c u p i e d way t h r o u g h M a u r i c e Baring's a c c o u n t of his years in Sweden. T h e w o m a n yawned a g a i n a n d gath e r e d h e r t h i n g s . I h a d n o idea w h a t she was thinking. She walked over to t h e t r a s h c a n beside o n e of t h e o t h e r tables. 62
THE
FERMATA
J u s t before she threw o u t s o m e of t h e Bazaar p a g e s , I s t o p p e d time a n d p u t my M o n a s t i c o n v i b r a t o r o n t h e t o p of t h e trash, where she m i g h t s p o t it p e e p i n g o u t of a p a p e r b a g . S h e d i d see it: she lifted t h e b a g a n d p e e r e d inside, l o o k e d to h e r right a n d to h e r left, c h e c k e d t h e c o n t e n t s of t h e b a g o n c e m o r e . W h a t o n e a r t h , she was w o n d e r i n g , was a b r a n d - n e w , m i n t - i n box, sealed-in-plastic v i b r a t i n g d i l d o r e p r e s e n t i n g a C a p u chin m o n k a n d his clit-fondling m a n u s c r i p t d o i n g in t h e t r a s h of t h e B o s t o n Public Library? S h e s t o o d t h e r e for a s e c o n d o r two, p o n d e r i n g w h a t to d o , frowning, a n d t h e n t h e b a g g e d vibrator w e n t quietly i n t o h e r B o s t o n University b o o k b a g . S h e walked toward t h e exit. I blew a kiss at h e r back. G o o d luck to her. T h a t m i g h t have e n d e d m y generosity for t h e evening, since t h e library was closing, b u t for t h e fact t h a t as I g o t in line at the c h e c k o u t desk, a large tall w o m a n a p p e a r e d j u s t in front of m e . I a m always glad to b e in line b e h i n d a w o m a n , b e c a u s e I c a n look at h e r freely w i t h o u t m a k i n g h e r u n c o m f o r t a b l e . This o n e h a d loosely a r r a n g e d , very thick soft h a i r t h a t was possibly dyed with h e n n a — a n y w a y , it was a d e e p r e d - b r o w n color. S h e was t h e sort of p l u m p p e r s o n w h o p e o p l e say car ries it well. S h e l o o k e d great. S h e was w e a r i n g a n i n d e t e r m i n a t e n u m b e r of layers of very loose c l o t h e s with h u g e loose neck-holes t h a t s l u m p e d overlappingly over o n e a n o t h e r like t h e eccentric orbits of several c o m e t s — o n e n e c k - h o l e was almost falling off h e r s h o u l d e r , e x p o s i n g s o m e sort of b l u e bodysuit strap t h a t p r o b a b l y r e p r e s e n t e d t h e d e e p e s t layer. It was a way of dressing a n d l o o k i n g t h a t I h a d n e v e r u n t i l t h e n t h o u g h t I liked, b u t o n h e r I felt I c o u l d like it very m u c h . T h e s h o u l d e r t h a t was partially e x p o s e d h a d lots of s u n freckles o n it, which m a d e it s e e m u n u s u a l l y s m o o t h a n d t o u c h a b l e , like s o m e sort of river stone. 63
NICHOLSON
BAKER
B u t it was n o t u n t i l I n o t i c e d t h e b o o k t h a t she was c h e c k i n g o u t t h a t I was c o m p l e t e l y captivated: she was o n h e r way h o m e to r e a d s o m e t h i n g called Naked Beneath My Clothes, a fairly r e c e n t b o o k by a w o m a n s t a n d - u p c o m i c . I've looked at the b o o k since: it is a s o m e t i m e s funny, okay little b o o k — b u t t h e g r e a t n e s s of it for m e t h e n was its title. F o r years a n d years I h a d b e e n a m a z e d by j u s t this obvious t r u t h , t h a t we are all n a k e d b e n e a t h o u r clothes; c o m i n g across a w o m a n in t h e library h o l d i n g a b o o k w h i c h a n n o u n c e d t h e fact in its title m a d e m e get t h a t so-sexual-that-it's-not-sexual m e l t i n g feel ing, as if my knees were n o l o n g e r g o i n g to d o w h a t they were d e s i g n e d to d o a n d m y balls were g o i n g to d r o o p past t h e m like toffee a n d h a n g to my ankles, softened by t h e w a r m t h of my l o n g i n g . I knew t h a t t h e w o m a n h a d j u s t w a n t e d to take o u t this b o o k b e c a u s e she w a n t e d to l a u g h a n d she h a d b e e n told it was funny, b u t it h a d this provocative title, a n d now she was, d e s p i t e h e r r e l a x e d n e s s a b o u t sex, ever so slightly e m b a r rassed to b e c h e c k i n g it o u t of t h e library. H e r e m b a r r a s s m e n t was, it s e e m e d to m e , d i r e c t e d forward, at t h e m a n w o r k i n g t h e c a r d m a c h i n e — a spindly n i c e - m a n n e r e d ugly m a n w h o shaved t o o far d o w n o n t h e sides of his b e a r d . B u t s h e knew t h a t s o m e o n e was b e h i n d h e r as well, a n d she c o u l d b e c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t my eyes were o n t h e freckles of h e r s h o u l d e r , a n d she m i g h t b e able to feel t h e m m o v i n g d o w n h e r a r m to r e a d t h e title of t h e b o o k again,
Naked
Beneath My Clothes—a fact that, b e c a u s e she h e l d t h e book, was b e i n g asserted n o t as a g e n e r a l t r u t h b u t as a t r u t h specif ically a b o u t h e r a n d h e r a l o n e , prefixed by a n " I a m . " I very m u c h w a n t e d to see h e r n a k e d b e n e a t h h e r clothes. A n d of c o u r s e I c o u l d have easily e n o u g h . Yet I h e s i t a t e d to d r o p into t h e Fold to r e m o v e all t h o s e layers, since I w o u l d have t r o u b l e r e m e m b e r i n g h o w they h u n g with s u c h artful sloppiness over 64
THE
FERMATA
o n e a n o t h e r w h e n it was t i m e to dress h e r b a c k u p . (She wasn't, t h a n k God, w e a r i n g t h o s e leggings t h a t t e r m i n a t e in a bit of lace!) Every curve a n d m o v e m e n t of h e r b o d y cried o u t , " I ' m extremely single at t h e m o m e n t a n d I ' m available to n i g h t to have a d r i n k o r two with a nice m a n w h o will listen to m e a n d m a k e m e l a u g h . " I knew t h a t she was feeling t h a t this interval in t h e c h e c k o u t line was h e r last c h a n c e to m e e t s o m e o n e , a n d I knew t h a t I was at least a b e t t e r c a t c h t h a n t h e library staffer with t h e unsightly b e a r d . B u t t h o u g h I was, a m , e x t r e m e l y single, a n d t h o u g h I h a d suffered a serious attack of loneliness involving a t a p e g u n only h o u r s before, a n d was p r o b a b l y giving off t h e s a m e r a d s of availability a n d g e n e r a l i z e d l o n g i n g as she was, I d i d n ' t strike u p a conversation with her, b e c a u s e I was s m a r t e n o u g h to know by n o w to s p a r e a w o m a n like this my tentative b u t occasionally successful p i c k u p t e c h n i q u e , since even if we d i d go o u t to d i n n e r a few times a n d have a few n i g h t s in b e d , it would all b e essentially sad, essentially w r o n g . I w a s n ' t t h e sort of m a n t h a t she really w a n t e d , a n d she w a s n ' t for m e , e i t h e r — t h e r e w o u l d b e a t e m p o r a r y w o n d e r a n d e x c i t e m e n t in t h o s e loose neck-holes, a n d t h e n t h e differences b e t w e e n u s w o u l d d o o m u s — a n d why d o any of that, w h e n all I really w a n t e d to know was how, exactly, she was n a k e d b e n e a t h h e r clothes? I c o u l d i m a g i n e s o m e of t h e u n s e e n h e r in a d v a n c e , h a v i n g u n d r e s s e d so m a n y w o m e n o n t h e sly in my life—I'm aware of certain connoisseurial c o r r e l a t i o n s b e t w e e n t h e type of face a w o m a n has a n d t h e type of b a c k she has: in fact, I felt t h a t I h a d a fairly well defined sense of h o w h e r b a c k w o u l d look a n d feel, h o w h i g h h e r h i d d e n waist was. B u t breasts were always a wild card, a n d t h e ass, t o o (I m e a n t h e real-world ass, n o t t h e dirty-magazine ass), was a t h i n g of a billion u n i q u e variations. I wanted, failing k n o w l e d g e of h e r n a k e d n e s s , simply to 65
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a n n o u n c e t o her, in a quiet, serious voice, "I a m , t o o . " A n d w h e n she t u r n e d h e r face to m e in sociable p u z z l e m e n t , I w o u l d g e s t u r e at h e r b o o k a n d say, clarifyingly, " I m e a n t h a t I ' m n a k e d , t o o , b e n e a t h . Really, I a m . " Maybe she w o u l d roll with this l a m e n e s s . O n e of t h e very first times I ever m a d e o u t with a girl was in a p a r k w h e n I was fifteen: we lay o n a slight slope, a m o n g m a n y s h o r t conifer trees. Eventually h e r h a n d u n d i d my p a n t s a n d w e n t i n t o my u n d e r p a n t s , a n d she hoisted m y m o i s t troika o u t i n t o t h e world a n d left it t h e r e . N e i t h e r of u s l o o k e d d o w n for a l o n g t i m e — I was c o n c e n t r a t i n g o n m a k i n g h e r c o m e w i t h o u t t a k i n g off h e r j e a n s , which was n o t all t h a t easy. Finally we gave u p , n e e d i n g real privacy to m a k e any headway, a n d t h e n we b o t h l o o k e d down, a n d t h e r e was a sight of m y n a k e d self t h a t I h a d never seen, o r never p a i d a t t e n t i o n t o — a n a l m o s t shockingly awful sight: t h e u l t r a - p a l e skin of my h o r i z o n t a l i z e d balls was stretched very tight, s t r e t c h e d to a state of egg-glaze glossiness (because t h e waist b a n d of m y too-small u n d e r p a n t s was u n d e r n e a t h
them,
p u s h i n g my balls u p ) , a n d it was overwritten with m a n y deli cate, infantile b l o o d vessels, as in a L e n n a r t Nilsson p h o t o g r a p h of t h e h e a d of a d e v e l o p i n g fetus.
And—adding
c o n s i d e r a b l y to t h e overall o b s c e n e effect—sparse h a i r folli cles m a d e little white b u m p s in t h e stretched skin. T h o u g h it was highly u n p l e a s a n t , o r at least u n r o m a n t i c , to look at (my girlfriend flinched, I think, s e e i n g m o r e of m e t h a n she h a d b e e n p r e p a r e d for j u s t t h e n ) , I c o u l d n ' t h e l p n o t i n g to myself with s o m e satisfaction h o w surprisingly s p e r m a t i o u s t h e ballhairs themselves a p p e a r e d , with t h e i r l o n g wispy tails a n d t h e i r ovoid follicle h e a d s : h a i r - s p e r m s s u r r o u n d i n g t h e egg like testicles, trying to fertilize t h e m , as if my b o d y were offering to a n y o n e w h o c a r e d to look its own magnified, t h r e e d i m e n s i o n a l r e p r e s e n t a t i o n of t h e task t h a t my g o n a d s were p r o g r a m m i n g t h e i r p r o d u c t to p e r f o r m . 66
THE
FERMATA
T h e w o m a n in front of m e at t h e library, it n o w o c c u r r e d to m e , was o l d e r t h a n t h a t sixteen-year-old girlfriend of so l o n g ago, a n d she m i g h t b e willing to have t h e s t r a n g e r e s e m b l a n c e between ball-hair a n d s p e r m a t a z o a p o i n t e d o u t to h e r — b u t t h e n a g a i n she m i g h t n o t . So m u c h d e p e n d e d , of c o u r s e , o n how you p r e s e n t e d t h e i n f o r m a t i o n — a t o n e of self-surprised irrepressibility often w o r k e d best. My ex-girlfriend
Rhody
o n c e h a d a b a r b e c u e a n d invited six o r seven friends over. My j o b was to get t h e c h a r c o a l to light. S t a n d i n g with m y feet p l a n t e d far apart, l e a n i n g over t h e small h e m i s p h e r i c a l grill, I f a n n e d t h e coals so s t r e n u o u s l y a n d rapidly with t h e Arts section of t h e Globe t h a t m y balls s t a r t e d
flapping
backward
a n d forward in exactly t h e s a m e r h y t h m as my a r m s . It was a u n i q u e e x p e r i e n c e , to b e a b l e t o feel t h o s e cocktail o n i o n s to-ing a n d fro-ing with s u c h g u s t o . I s t o p p e d to get m y b r e a t h a n d as t h e flames grew l o o k e d u p at t h e w o m a n s t a n d i n g n e a r m e h o l d i n g a d r i n k ( o n e of R h o d y ' s friends from w o r k ) , a n d I said to her, in a n a m a z e d voice, "My balls a r e actually flapping.
It's a new e x p e r i e n c e . " S h e n o d d e d sideways, smil
ing, a n d s i p p e d h e r drink; she d i d n ' t s e e m to m i n d m y telling h e r that. I f a n n e d t h e coals s o m e m o r e a n d t h e n we talked briefly of b a r b e c u e starter-coils. " B u t y o u s e e m t o like flap p i n g , " she said. " I w o u l d n ' t w a n t to deprive you of t h a t . " G o d , h o w I t r e a s u r e t h o s e little
flirtatious
moments.
T h e b o o k - c h e c k o u t line was n o t short, so I h a d p l e n t y of time to t h i n k as m a n y sexual t h o u g h t s as I w a n t e d to while I looked at t h e b l u e s h o u l d e r s t r a p a n d freckled skin of Ms. H e n n a in front of m e . T h e title of h e r b o o k was e x e r t i n g ever m o r e r o e n t g e n i z i n g p o w e r over my state of m i n d ; I was a l m o s t o u t of control. Naked, naked, naked, naked, naked. I w a n t e d so very m u c h to see h e r b a c k a n d b i g soft b u t t c h e e k s . I i m a g i n e d h e r face-down o n a m a s s a g e table, with h e r soft h a i r p i n n e d o u t of t h e way, h e r eyes half closed, d r e a m y from t h e s t e a m 67
NICHOLSON
BAKER
r o o m , a white towel over h e r legs. I w o u l d walk in b e a r i n g a large white bowl with a g r e e n rim t h a t was filled with quarts of semi-cool tropical oil a n d a d o z e n o r so stone eggs of various m a r b l e d colors. I w o u l d set t h e bowl o n a small rolling table very n e a r h e r h e a d a n d b e g i n to stir a n d t u m b l e t h e s t o n e eggs slowly with my h a n d s in t h e oil, like a sedated saladier, so t h a t they clicked a n d clocked against o n e a n o t h e r a n d against t h e sides of t h e bowl, a n d t h e n I w o u l d let my h a n d s close a r o u n d two of t h e m , a r e d d i s h o n e a n d a black o n e with gray a n d violet m a r k i n g s , a n d I w o u l d press these i n t o t h e muscles of h e r back, o n e i t h e r side of h e r spine, c u p p i n g t h e m in m y p a l m s . I w o u l d work my h a n d s alternately as a p u r r i n g cat works its paws, so t h a t t h e s t o n e eggs would p a l p a t e themselves slowly d o w n h e r back, carrying t h e i r own oil with t h e m . W h e n they t h r e a t e n e d to g o dry, I w o u l d d r o p t h e m b a c k in t h e bowl, a n d j o s t l e t h e i r s u b m e r g e d forms a g a i n with my fingers, a n d I w o u l d select two others; these I w o u l d a g a i n h o l d against her, m a n i p u l a t i n g t h e m with my h a n d muscles so t h a t they t u r n e d e n d over e n d u n d e r my slippery p a l m s . S h e w o u l d try to guess by feel a l o n e what colors they were: " H m m , I t h i n k t h e left o n e is gray a n d white s t o n e s h o t with p i n k , " she w o u l d say. B u t n o , it was a quartzy b l u e . I w o u l d h e l p h e r t u r n over so t h a t she was o n h e r back a n d I w o u l d t u r n t h e slippery eggs o n h e r h i g h t h i g h muscles a n d o n e i t h e r side of h e r m o u n d , a n d t h e n I w o u l d have h e r c h o o s e w h i c h two she w a n t e d inside her. S h e w o u l d pick two a n d I w o u l d p a l m t h e s t o n e eggs in, so t h a t I c o u l d h e a r t h e muffled clocking s o u n d s as o n e hit t h e o t h e r , a n d as I p u l l e d m y h a n d away, she w o u l d b e a r d o w n with h e r muscles a n d I w o u l d see t h e skin of h e r v a d g e stretch as she gave b i r t h to o n e of t h e m , like t h o s e w o n d e r f u l m i d n i g h t sea-tortoise egg-lay i n g scenes o n Nature, w h e r e you c a n see t h e tortoise's vagina 68
THE
FERMATA
swell a n d stretch over t h e s a n d pit as a n o t h e r e g g a p p e a r s , a n d it would fall o u t all slick in my h a n d . T h e m o r e g r a p h i c a n d specific my sexual i m a g e r y grew, t h e m o r e t h e relatively simple idea of s t r a p p i n g t h e v i b r a t i n g Butterfly o n t o h e r b e c a m e , by contrast, t a m e a n d g e n t l e a n d uninvasive—the very least I c o u l d d o for her. H e r neck-holes, h e r back, h a d t h e definite look of a vibrator-lover, anyway. I let h e r check o u t h e r b o o k (she a n d t h e library m a n h a d a m o m e n t of feeling eye contact, as I h a d e x p e c t e d ) a n d walk o u t o n t o t h e street, a n d t h e n I b r o u g h t t h e universe d o w n a n d got o u t t h e Butterfly. My p l a n was to p u t it o n h e r as she walked h o m e , b e c a u s e I t h o u g h t t h a t she w o u l d feel it less, p e r h a p s , if she was in a state of m o v e m e n t t h a n if she was sitting down. B u t I h a d to b e sure t h a t it w o u l d n ' t startle h e r — I wasn't i n t e r e s t e d in d i s t u r b i n g h e r o r m a k i n g h e r feel she was losing h e r sanity. C o n s e q u e n t l y I h a d to test t h e p r o d u c t o u t o n myself: I kicked off my p a n t s a n d u n d e r p a n t s , a n d , p l a c i n g a H a n d i W i p e b e t w e e n t h e p l e a s u r e - n u b b i n s of t h e m a c h i n e a n d my s c r o t u m so t h a t I w o u l d n ' t b e e x p o s i n g Ms. H e n n a to any of my g e r m s w h e n I d i d finally s t r a p it o n her, I s t e p p e d i n t o its straps a n d p u l l e d it snugly in place. I walked a r o u n d t h e lobby of t h e library with it o n , l o o k i n g at t h e h i g h c o r n e r s of t h e r o o m a n d c o n c e n t r a t i n g o n w h a t it felt like. I was surprised to find that, t h o u g h fairly tight, t h e black straps a r o u n d my ass a n d t h i g h s w e r e n ' t p e r c e p t i b l e at all as I walked. W h a t was p e r c e p t i b l e , u n f o r t u n a t e l y , was t h e w i d t h of t h e Butterfly itself b e t w e e n m y t h i g h s . P e r h a p s if t h e b u l k of my genitalia w e r e n ' t in t h e way t h e device w o u l d have nestled m o r e comfortably, b u t even t h e n it m i g h t b e instantly a p p a r e n t to t h e w o m a n t h a t s o m e t h i n g was t h e r e . I recalled r e a d i n g a news i t e m a b o u t a large w o m a n w h o shoplifted p o r t a b l e TVs by walking o u t with t h e m b e t w e e n h e r legs; b u t 69
NICHOLSON
BAKER
it w o u l d n ' t d o h e r e to have a s h a p e t h a t t h e w o m a n c o u l d feel as she walked. B u t all was n o t lost—I f o u n d t h a t w h e n I was sitting d o w n , even with my legs crossed, it was as if t h e r u b b e r y s h a p e of t h e Butterfly d i d n ' t exist. My b o d y adjusted instantly to its p r e s e n c e . I p u t t h e two free S o n i c - b r a n d batteries in t h e p i n k plastic b a t t e r y case a n d t u r n e d t h e dial u n t i l t h e vibra t i o n started. O n full, t h e noise was appallingly loud. S h e w o u l d h e a r it. Even at t h e lowest level, which is w h e r e I would have it w h e n I p u t it o n h e r (so t h a t it w o u l d r e m a i n below t h e t h r e s h o l d of consciousness, w o u l d b e a vibration t h a t was p e r c e p t i b l e only as a c h a n g e of m o o d , n o t as a n actual physi cal signal), it m a d e a s o u n d t h a t was n o t so m u c h a buzz as a k i n d of low c h u c k l i n g . My only h o p e now, I realized, was t h a t she w a s n ' t g o i n g to walk h o m e , b u t was g o i n g to take t h e b u s o r t h e subway, w h e r e t h e transit noise w o u l d m a s k its noise. As for t h e feeling of t h e Butterfly o n my own e q u i p m e n t : it was n o t positively u n p l e a s a n t , b u t d i d n ' t feel at all wonderful, e i t h e r ( m a y b e t h e H a n d i W i p e was p a r t of t h e p r o b l e m ) , w h i c h I was o n t h e w h o l e p l e a s e d a b o u t , since it m a d e t h e fact t h a t w o m e n c o m e so h a r d with vibrators all t h e m o r e mysteri o u s a n d w o m a n l y a n d different from m a l e p l e a s u r e . I g o t dressed, got b a c k in line, flipped o n t h e universe, a n d c h e c k e d o u t m y b o o k s , l o o k i n g at m y watch to m a k e t h e c h e c k e r - o u t e r hurry. O u t s i d e , I s p o t t e d t h e w o m a n at t h e c o r n e r of Boylston a n d D a r t m o u t h , w h e r e she was waiting to cross t h e street. I loitered, h o p i n g t h a t she w o u l d go d o w n t h e steps to t h e T, which, lucky for m e , she did. I was observing h e r in t h e shadows; n o b o d y c o u l d see m e a n d so n o b o d y w o u l d n o t i c e if I s u d d e n l y d i s a p p e a r e d from w h e r e I was s t a n d i n g . I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d c a u g h t u p with t h e w o m a n . H e r n a m e , I f o u n d , hastily l o o k i n g t h r o u g h h e r p u r s e , was A n d r e a A p u l e o , a perfectly r e a s o n a b l e n a m e , t h o u g h like all n a m e s 70
THE
FERMATA
s o m e t h i n g of a surprise for t h e first few m i n u t e s if you have h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to develop a n idea of t h e p e r s o n in advance. She lived in C h e s t n u t Hill. I h o p p e d d o w n t h e stairs a h e a d of h e r a n d t o o k a seat o n a b e n c h o n t h e p l a t f o r m , so t h a t w h e n I got o n t h e s a m e train as she d i d she w o u l d n ' t have any suspicion t h a t I h a d b e e n following her. (I was p r e t t y s u r e t h a t she h a d n ' t g o t t e n a g o o d look at m e in t h e library.) W h e n a C train finally showed u p , t e n m i n u t e s later, she t o o k o n e of the forward-oriented seats a n d I t o o k o n e facing sideways. I h a d b e e n worried a b o u t A n d r e a ' s bodysuit, t h i n k i n g I m i g h t have to take it off o r slide it to t h e side, b u t w h e n I b e g a n p u t t i n g t h e Butterfly o n h e r in t h e F o l d I f o u n d t h a t it w o r k e d beautifully to h u g t h e device t i g h t against h e r i n n e r d r a p e r y . It c o u l d b e set very low a n d yet she w o u l d feel s o m e t h i n g . I shook t h e battery case to awaken it within t h e F o l d a n d t u r n e d the dial a n d b r o u g h t it d o w n to t h e b a r e s t h i n t of v i b r a t i o n — a n d t h e n I t h o u g h t b e t t e r of it: t h e first t i m e I t u r n e d t i m e o n in this s e q u e n c e , she s h o u l d j u s t have t h e device s t r a p p e d o n , unvibrating, so t h a t h e r b o d y w o u l d get u s e d to its p r e s e n c e . Over a series of six o r seven time-perversions I gradually in creased its flutter-level. P r e t e n d i n g t o r e a d , I w a t c h e d h e r . At a certain p o i n t , she m a d e a p e c u l i a r e x p r e s s i o n t h a t was clearly p l e a s u r e a n d covertly r e a c h e d d o w n to feel b e t w e e n h e r legs to find o u t w h a t was g o i n g o n ( n o b o d y was sitting n e x t to h e r ) : j u s t before she w o u l d have felt t h e s h a p e of t h e alien Butterfly with h e r h a n d , I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d r e m o v e d it. Satisfied t h a t t h e r e was n o t h i n g t h e r e , A n d r e a sat back, a n d w h e n I h a d reinstalled t h e m a c h i n e a n d gradually a c c e l e r a t e d its vibration with t h e t h u m b dial, as t h e t r a i n a c c e l e r a t e d between Copley a n d K e n m o r e , she let herself feel g o o d , h e r h a n d s resting o n t h e back of t h e seat in front o f h e r , h e r h e a d resting o n t h e black glass of t h e window. S h e w a n t e d to look 71
NICHOLSON
BAKER
as if she were h a v i n g a l o n g a n d c o m p l i c a t e d train of m e m o ries of s o m e t h i n g faintly sad a n d peaceful in t h e distant past, as if h e r t h i n k i n g were a c c o m p a n i e d by a s o u n d t r a c k of G r e g o r i a n c h a n t , b u t I c o u l d r e a d t h r o u g h h e r v e n e e r of i n n e r p e a c e to t h e sexual fizz t h a t was definitely t h e r e . Very slowly h e r lips p a r t e d a n d h e r m o u t h o p e n e d , o r almost o p e n e d : h e r lips were only in c o n t a c t in t h e very m i d d l e , w h e r e t h e r e was a fuller p a r t . By this t i m e I h a d a b a n d o n e d my b o o k , u n a b l e to k e e p from l o o k i n g directly at her. T h e train r h y t h m s o u n d e d like appetitive, appetitive, appetitive,
appetitive.
I n a b o o k called Love Cycles, a b o u t h o r m o n a l r h y t h m s , p a r t s of w h i c h I have r e a d with g r e a t interest, Winnifred B. C u t l e r (Ph.D.) cites a study by Sullivan a n d B r e n d e r in a 1986 issue of Psychophysiology
in w h i c h w o m e n were shown "sexually
s t i m u l a t i n g v i d e o t a p e s " while t h e i r faces were wired with elec t r o m y o g r a p h i c sensors. Consistently t h e i r zygomatic muscles ( o n e of t h e several sets of smile muscles) c o n t r a c t e d subtly as they w a t c h e d t h e tapes, a n effect which t h e researchers took as a n i n d i r e c t m a r k e r of arousal, like p u p i l dilation. Since r e a d i n g a r o u n d in this b o o k ( a n d I m u s t p o i n t o u t in passing t h a t Dr. W i n n i f r e d C u t l e r is p h o t o g r a p h e d with a very slight M o n a Lisa-esque zygomatic smile in h e r j a c k e t p h o t o , a n d that, a c c o r d i n g to t h e flap, t h e b o o k ' s p u b l i c a t i o n d a t e was O c t o b e r , t h e m o n t h , says Dr. Cutler, t h a t m a l e h o r m o n e s r e a c h t h e i r h i g h e s t levels), I h a d b e e n o n t h e l o o k o u t for these secret zygosmiles, a n d h a d n o t n o t i c e d m a n y — b u t I t h i n k t h a t b e t w e e n C o p l e y a n d K e n m o r e A n d r e a A p u l e o was offering t h e w o r l d a s t u n n i n g e x a m p l e of o n e right in t h e T. J u s t as I r e s u m e d t i m e after t u r n i n g t h e Butterfly u p almost to full, s h e n o t i c e d m e l o o k i n g at her, a n d o u r eyes c a u g h t a n d laser-locked; I tried to tell h e r with m y look t h a t I u n d e r s t o o d h o w g o o d it felt, t h o u g h she was d o i n g a t r e m e n d o u s j o b of 72
THE
FERMATA
s u p p r e s s i n g it, a n d t h a t I was t h e only o n e in t h e t r a i n w h o c o u l d see w h a t she was g o i n g t h r o u g h , a n d t h a t I was very moved to b e able to witness it a n d w o u l d m a k e n o sign to a n y o n e else of w h a t she was l e t t i n g m e see. I n o d d e d , closing my eyes, a n d looked at h e r again: giving t h e n o d to h e r a p p r o a c h i n g clasm. S h e l o o k e d away, u p at t h e ads for t e m p o rary agencies over t h e windows, a n d t h e n s h e l o o k e d b a c k at m e , a n d I w a t c h e d h e r p u t h e r lower t e e t h over h e r u p p e r teeth, h e r eyes g e t t i n g b i g g e r a n d b r o w n e r a n d f u l l e r — a n d (I a m almost sure) she c a m e . T h e n she t o o k a d e e p b r e a t h a n d g a t h e r e d h e r h a i r in a n O m a d e of h e r forefinger a n d r e l e a s e d it a n d r e a c h e d d o w n a g a i n tentatively to h e r legs, so t h a t I h a d to fermate quickly a n d r e m o v e t h e Butterfly from h e r a n d wipe it off ( u s i n g several W e t O n e s ) a n d p u t it b a c k in t h e case so t h a t it looked u n u s e d . I p u t it in a b l a n k m a n i l a e n v e l o p e . T i m e rolling, I smiled at h e r a g a i n , in a wowed, foolish sort of way, a n d she smiled u n c e r t a i n l y back, n o t q u i t e s u r e h o w to explain to herself w h a t h a d j u s t h a p p e n e d . At t h e C h e s t n u t Hill stop she s t o o d a n d passed w h e r e I was sitting. I said, "Excuse m e ? " a n d h a n d e d h e r t h e v i b r a t i n g Butterfly in its envelope a n d t h e n t o u c h e d my fingers to my lips. I d i d n ' t get off at t h a t stop b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to u n n e r v e h e r o r s e e m t h r e a t e n i n g ; I r e a c h e d h o m e a n h o u r later feeling that, in m a k i n g gifts of two of my sex toys, I h a d t u r n e d t h e day around.
73
6
HAVE WRITTEN ALMOST ALL BUT THE BEGINNING
CHUNK
OF
this a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w o r k n o t s u n k in t h e Fold b u t m o v i n g forward in " r e a l t i m e " (a t e r m t h a t Rhody, my ex-girlfriend, h a t e d , t h o u g h , let m e tell you, substitutes are h a r d to c o m e by), over two weeks of evenings, sitting at my desk in my r o o m , s m e l l i n g t h e smell of b u r n i n g d u s t given off by my highintensity l a m p . I t h o u g h t w h e n I b e g a n this recital t h a t I w o u l d write every w o r d of it in t h e Fold, b u t , like m o s t of t h e e x t r e m e ideas t h a t I find so e x c i t i n g w h e n I first have t h e m , I have h a d to a b a n d o n it in t h e e x e c u t i o n . W r i t i n g is solitary e n o u g h (especially t h e way I ' m writing now, which is with a set of e a r b u d s in, listening to music, a n d t h u s existing u n a c c o m 74
THE
FERMATA
p a n i e d in t h e very m i d d l e of a vast artificial s t e r e o p h o n i c space, like o n e of t h o s e tiny figures, e a c h a c c o m p a n i e d by its perfunctory shadow, in a Le C o r b u s i e r d r a w i n g of a n u r b a n landscape) w i t h o u t intensifying t h e sense of solitude by s t o p p i n g time. Also, t h e r a d i o stations d o n ' t b r o a d c a s t w h e n t h e universe is s t o p p e d . A n d f u r t h e r m o r e , writing takes a g r e a t deal of time. A p a r a g r a p h c a n take a n h o u r ! I've already n o t e d t h a t I have s p e n t close to two years in t h e Fold: w h i c h m a k e s m e really thirty-seven, n o t thirty-five, if y o u m e a s u r e m y a g e by my i n t e r n a l cellular time. W e r e I to a d d to t h a t secret a g i n g all t h e time I will ultimately s p e n d writing this b o o k , I m i g h t begin, w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e g i n , to look noticeably o l d e r t h a n my b i r t h certificate says I a m , a n d I have n o interest in in verted r e m a k e s of Dorian
Gray.
R e a d i n g over w h a t I've p u t d o w n so far m a k e s m e c o n s c i o u s of m a n y i m b a l a n c e s a n d omissions, b u t t h e r e isn't t o o m u c h I can do about them. I do, though, want to point o u t sooner r a t h e r t h a n later t h a t my sexual life has n o t b e e n entirely m a d e u p of t h e sorts of F e r m a t i n g activities I j u s t d e s c r i b e d at the library. R h o d y a n d I h a d g o o d , friendly sex ( t h o u g h I t e n d e d to talk t o o m u c h t h r o u g h o u t , p e r h a p s ) , r e a l - t i m e sex, a n d we were t o g e t h e r for l o n g e n o u g h , a little over sixteen m o n t h s , t h a t we were a b l e to marvel at h o w m a n y i n c r e m e n t a l variations a c o u p l e c o u l d c o m e u p with—variations so m i n o r t h a t they c o u l d n ' t really b e codified. It w a s n ' t a q u e s t i o n of distinct " p o s i t i o n s " b u t of—I d o n ' t know—crystals g r o w n in slightly different c o n c e n t r a t i o n s of a r e a g e n t , o r g r o w n in t h e p r e s e n c e of o n e o r m o r e trace i m p u r i t i e s , o r g r o w n while subjected to faintly s t r o n g e r o r w e a k e r gravitational
fields.
A n d we did even from t i m e to t i m e try new things, in t h e t e x t b o o k sexual sense. I c u t a n u n p e e l e d a v o c a d o in half o n e Sunday, a l o n g its poles, a n d p u l l e d it a p a r t so t h a t o n e half 75
NICHOLSON
BAKER
h e l d t h e b l u n t , slimy seed. T h o u g h n o t a devotee of food-sex m i x t u r e s as a g e n e r a l r u l e ( n o t w h i p p e d c r e a m , n o t p e a n u t b u t t e r , n o t c h a m p a g n e ) , I d o t h i n k avocado flesh is so ex tremely similar in its slippery b l a n d softness to t h e labial r h e o l o g y t h a t it m a k e s sense for a w o m a n to c u p half of o n e in h e r h a n d a n d press it against herself so t h a t t h e b i g n u b of t h e seed noses at h e r n a t c h o . R h o d y s e e m e d to like it, a n d I was g u n g - h o , t o o — b u t while I was testing o u t o u r new guacam o l e r e c i p e I h a d t h e f u r t h e r idea of c u t t i n g a small h o l e in t h e a v o c a d o skin a n d stuffing Rhody's electric t o o t h b r u s h at a n a n g l e i n t o t h e fresh flesh so t h a t t h e b r u s h h e a d was b u r i e d s o m e w h e r e n e a r t h e seed. T h a t was h o w she g o o d - n a t u r e d l y c a m e , in fact, a n d c a m e big, h o l d i n g t h e h u m m i n g t o o t h b r u s h - d r i v e n avocado-half b e t w e e n h e r legs while I played with t h e wisps of h a i r at t h e n a p e of h e r neck. I r e c o r d this h e r e in p a s s i n g so t h a t I w o n ' t seem, with all of my s o m e w h a t a b e r r a n t s n e a k i n g a n d skulking in t h e Cleft, totally devoid of m o r e typical sexual instincts. A n d j u s t w h a t w o u l d o t h e r p e o p l e t h i n k of t h e Fermata? W h a t w o u l d they d o if they were me? A l t h o u g h I have u p to n o w b e e n a b l e to k e e p my powers a strict secret, I have g o n e t h r o u g h p e r i o d s w h e n I have b e e n e a g e r to get s o m e idea of w h a t o t h e r s w o u l d d o in my p l a c e . I a m superstitious, t h o u g h , a b o u t d e s c r i b i n g w h a t actually goes o n — f e a r i n g , even w h e n I p u t it hypothetically, t h a t if I c o n j u r e u p t h e possibility in t o o c o m p l e t e detail for s o m e o n e else it will n o l o n g e r b e my secret a n d h e n c e m y t e m p o r a l c o m p e t e n c e will leave m e for ever—so s u p e r s t i t i o u s in fact t h a t I often instead ask a b o u t ideas in t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d of my secret, such as w h a t a p e r s o n w o u l d d o if h e h a d X-ray vision. W h a t w o u l d h e look at if h e h a d X-ray vision? I h a d a n i n t e r e s t i n g talk with a m a n n a m e d Bill A s p l u n d h a b o u t this. Bill is o n e of t h e few truly fast-typing 76
THE
FERMATA
n o n - g a y t e m p s I have r u n a c r o s s — h e types m u c h faster t h a n I d o . H e drifted i n t o t e m p i n g while w o r k i n g o n a m a s t e r ' s in s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r , as I did, a n d n o w h e g e n u i n e l y likes it. W e were at a C h i n e s e r e s t a u r a n t o n e t i m e w h e n I asked h i m w h a t h e would look at if h e h a d X-ray vision. H e was e a t i n g a yellow curry chicken dish. H e said t h a t t h e first t h i n g h e w o u l d d o would b e to look t h r o u g h t h e walls while t h e cooks were m a k i n g u p t h e i r curry p o w d e r , since it was e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y g o o d curry p o w d e r a n d h e w a n t e d to b e a b l e to d u p l i c a t e it at h o m e . T h e n h e a d m i t t e d t h a t h e w o u l d p r o b a b l y u s e it to look at w o m e n . " B u t w h a t p e o p l e d o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t w h e n they talk a b o u t X-ray vision," h e t h e n said, s u d d e n l y a n i m a t e d , "is two things. First, w h a t y o u ' r e talking a b o u t is n o t a b l a n k e t sort of X-ray vision, w h e r e y o u r sight p e n e t r a t e s t h r o u g h any substance, b u t a very specific sort of X-ray vision t h a t only goes t h r o u g h clothes. Textile X-ray vision is w h a t we're t a l k i n g a b o u t . T h a t ' s pretty obvious, b u t p e r h a p s less obviously, t h i n k a b o u t w h a t y o u ' r e g o i n g to see w h e n y o u see a w o m a n w h o is w e a r i n g clothes b u t you c a n ' t see t h e clothes she's wearing. You have this idea t h a t y o u ' r e g o i n g to see h e r with n o clothes o n , t h a t h e r breasts are g o i n g to b e t h e r e l o o k i n g t h e way they would look w i t h o u t a b r a o n , b u t r e m e m b e r , s h e has a b r a o n , you j u s t c a n ' t see it, so y o u ' r e g o i n g t o see i n d e n t a t i o n s w h e r e t h e seams are, a n d if it's a p u s h - u p b r a , h e r breasts a r e g o i n g to look all squished o u t of s h a p e , n o t t h e way y o u i m a g i n e t h e m at all. A n d t h i n k if she's w e a r i n g s o m e k i n d of s u p p o r t pantyhose, a n d it's t i g h t — y o u ' r e g o i n g to see all this squeez i n g a r o u n d h e r r e a r e n d a n d stuff like t h a t . Y o u ' r e g o i n g to see t h e p a n t y lines t h e r e , r e d lines, b u t w i t h o u t t h e p a n t i e s actually b e i n g t h e r e . " I a d m i t t e d t h a t h e h a d a p o i n t , b u t c o u n t e r e d t h a t t h e sight of breasts in a bra, w i t h o u t t h e b r a visible, m i g h t b e k i n d of 77
NICHOLSON
BAKER
wonderful: if y o u c o u l d see h e r breasts m o v i n g as they would m o v e in a b r a a n d yet t h e b r a was o u t of t h e p i c t u r e it m i g h t b e a totally novel k i n d of s e m i - c o n s t r a i n e d m o t i o n — n o t even t h e k i n d of m o t i o n you w o u l d e x p e c t in zero-gravity environ m e n t s , b e c a u s e t h e u n d e r s i d e s of t h e breasts w o u l d b e h e l d relatively firmly, within t h e limits of t h e give a n d take of t h a t p a r t i c u l a r b r a , b u t t h e t o p w o u l d shake a little m o r e w h e r e it w a s n ' t b e i n g h e l d . M a y b e t h e sight of breasts in invisible bras w o u l d b e incredible. B u t h e was p r o b a b l y right, I c o n c e d e d , t h e n i p p l e s w o u l d p r o b a b l y have t h a t flattened quality of faces p r e s s e d against p a n e s of glass; a n d w h a t m a k e s t h e sight of kids s q u i s h i n g t h e i r faces against glass c o m i c is t h a t it takes away t h e i r " f a c e n e s s " a n d substitutes a sort of m o n s t r o u s nostrilly p l a n a r e x p r e s s i o n . It w o u l d b e s t r a n g e to see t h e s h a p e of t h e b r a o u t l i n e d in i n d e n t e d p l u m p back-skin. T h e r e m i g h t b e s o m e interest, we a g r e e d , in seeing extremely saggy breasts h o i s t e d u p in a n invisible bra, since t h e idea of sag is very s t i m u l a t i n g , as is t h e n o t i o n of hoisting. But, t h o u g h it i n t e r e s t e d m e , w h a t Bill h a d to say a b o u t X-ray vision d i d n ' t really b e a r o n t h e Fold, so I went a h e a d a n d d e s c r i b e d to h i m t h e possibility of h a l t i n g t h e universe a n d r e m a i n i n g m o b i l e oneself, as if t h e idea h a d j u s t o c c u r r e d to m e for t h e first t i m e . W h a t w o u l d h e d o if h e h a d s o m e m a c h i n e t h a t c o u l d switch everything off a n d h e was h e r e in this r e s t a u r a n t ? Bill answered w i t h o u t hesitation t h a t t h e first t h i n g h e w o u l d d o is g o b a c k to t h e kitchen a n d try to find a n d c o p y t h e c u r r y - p o w d e r r e c i p e . H i s voice w e n t low a n d h e said t h a t h e m i g h t even take a little curry p o w d e r , if t h e r e was a lot of it, h o m e with h i m , l o o k i n g awed at his own wish to thieve. " O k a y , " I told h i m , " b u t after you h a d all t h e curry you knew w h a t to d o with, t h e n what? W h a t w o u l d you d o vis-à-vis t h a t w o m a n over t h e r e ? " I i n d i c a t e d a b l o n d w o m a n in black 78
THE
FERMATA
w h o m h e h a d n o t i c e d with a p p r o v a l earlier. " W o u l d y o u g o over t h e r e a n d check o u t h e r tits, o r w h a t ? " "Possibly," h e said. H e asked m e a few m o r e q u e s t i o n s a b o u t h o w quickly h e w o u l d b e able to switch t i m e o n a n d off. T h e n h e said, " N o , w h a t I w o u l d p r o b a b l y d o is h i d e o u t so t h a t I c o u l d watch c o u p l e s I knew. I ' d b e very c u r i o u s to see t h a t . " His idea surprised m e , since I have a l m o s t n o active interest in seeing c o u p l e s I know have sex, o r s e e i n g c o u p l e s at all. I have of c o u r s e seen it from t i m e to t i m e , b u t only in p u r s u i t of o t h e r sights o r e x p e r i e n c e s . After R h o d y b r o k e u p with m e , in p a r t over t h e very issue of t i m e - p e r v e r s i o n , s h e started g o i n g o u t with a n o l d e r divorced m a n , a n d I d i d h i d e o u t b e h i n d t h e tired gold w i n g c h a i r in h e r b e d r o o m a n d watch t h e m have sex o n c e o r twice (well, six t i m e s ) — a n d t h e last time in fact I d i d a very very w r o n g t h i n g . R h o d y was o n h e r knees, with h e r ass way u p in t h e air, licking a n d b i t i n g t h e pillowcase of t h e pillow she h e l d , w h i c h was our favorite way for a while, a n d I felt violated a n d h u r t t h a t she w o u l d b e d o i n g this n o w with h i m , with this divorced c o n s u l t a n t w h o looked like t h e " b e f o r e " sketch in a N o r d i c T r a c k ad, so I s t o p p e d time with my fingernail c l i p p e r ( e a c h t i m e I s n i p p e d a fingernail, t i m e toggled) a n d p u l l e d t h e guy off h e r a n d o u t of h e r a n d h a u l e d h i m to t h e g a r a g e , w h e r e I tied h i m securely to a piece of plywood; t h e n I s t a t i o n e d myself in exactly t h e s a m e position t h a t h e h a d b e e n in, with m y cock inside Rhody, a n d c l i p p e d t i m e o n , a n d was p l e a s e d to h e a r h e r s u r p r i s e d c h a n g e of t o n e : " O h yeah! Wow! T h a t ' s g o o d ! Like t h a t ! " I p u l l e d o u t a n d let my cock rest a g a i n s t h e r t a i l b o n e a n d pressed d o w n o n it with t h e h e e l of m y h a n d , w h i c h was s o m e t h i n g we u s e d to d o a lot t h a t she liked, b e c a u s e w h e n I shot she liked to feel t h e c o m e - t a n g e n t s r e a c h u p h e r back. I c o u l d sense h e r i m m e d i a t e surprise as I d i d this—Could it 79
NICHOLSON
BAKER
be?—and j u s t b e f o r e she l o o k e d b a c k to see if it was really m e , I s t o p p e d everything a n d got t h e divorced guy o u t of the g a r a g e a n d p u t h i m b a c k w h e r e h e h a d b e e n a n d stuffed what was left of his e r e c t i o n b a c k in. " W h a t ' s w r o n g ? " R h o d y said, as s o o n as I c l i p p e d time o n . " N o t h i n g , " said t h e divorced m a n . H e tried to p r e t e n d to b e fucking h e r with a b a n d o n , b u t h e was a l m o s t completely l i m p by now. " S o m e t h i n g ' s w r o n g , " said Rhody. " W h a t ' s w r o n g ? " " I h a d t h e strangest h a l l u c i n a t i o n , " h e said. " I t h o u g h t I was tied u p against a b o a r d , l o o k i n g u p at t h e skis in t h e ceiling of t h e g a r a g e . B e y o n d weird. Sorry, b a b y . " R h o d y c o m f o r t e d h i m . Lying o n t h e b e d with his h a n d s d o i n g u n p l e a s a n t t h i n g s with his own chest hair, h e b e g a n d e s c r i b i n g t h e "incredibly vivid" out-of-body e x p e r i e n c e h e h a d j u s t h a d of b e i n g tied u p , s t a r i n g at t h e skis. Eventually t h e two of t h e m t i p t o e d giggling off to t h e l a u n d r y r o o m to find s o m e r o p e a n d t h e ski b o o t s . I left s o o n after. A n o t h e r p e r s o n I asked, a guy w h o worked for Boston U n i versity, said that, given t i m e - p e r v e r t e r powers, h e would wan d e r t h r o u g h w o m e n ' s locker r o o m s for a while; t h e n h e said, after m u c h h e m m i n g a n d hawing, t h a t h e w o u l d " p r o b a b l y w a n t to see p e o p l e I k n e w . " T h i s was after I h a d described a h y p o t h e t i c a l scene in w h i c h s o m e o n e is w a t c h i n g a r e n t e d copy of Metropolitan
o n his V C R a n d h e really loves it, b u t h e
n e e d s to piss e x t r e m e l y b a d , a n d h e p o i n t s t h e r e m o t e at the m a c h i n e a n d hits Metropolitan,
PAUSE,
b u t finds t h a t instead of p a u s i n g
Metropolitan c o n t i n u e s a n d t h e e n t i r e rest of t h e
w o r l d is in a freeze-frame—so t h a t t h e r e m o t e - o w n e r has however l o n g it will take for t h e movie to finish playing to r u n o u t s i d e i n t o t h e s u s p e n s i o n a n d pry a n d p e e p to his h e a r t ' s c o n t e n t . As I m e n t i o n e d earlier, I have never h a d any success 80
THE
FERMATA
with r e m o t e - c o n t r o l keypads, which is exactly why I u s e d a remote
PAUSE
b u t t o n in t h e scene I offered h i m — i t felt far
e n o u g h r e m o v e d from t h i n g s I h a d actually d o n e . I asked o n e o r two w o m e n as well, a n d o n e of t h e m said she w o u l d b e e a g e r to see h e r friends h a v i n g sex. " I ' d p r o b a b l y b e grossed out, b u t I'd want to see it anyway." I felt a little sad t h a t I d i d n ' t have this t e m p t a t i o n in c o m m o n with m y r e s p o n d e n t s . O n e o t h e r w o m a n , a p a r a l e g a l at a small firm in a b u i l d i n g with a statue of Edward C o k e in front, gave m e a l o n g a n d interesting answer to my q u e s t i o n o n e evening, w h e n we were working late a s s e m b l i n g t h e d o c u m e n t s in a h u g e r e a l estate sale-and-leaseback a g r e e m e n t . H e r n a m e was Ariette. W e walked a r o u n d a n d a r o u n d a c o n f e r e n c e table, p i l i n g o n e copy of s o m e ancillary a g r e e m e n t o n t o p of a n o t h e r in a s o o t h i n g r h y t h m , a n d eventually I asked h e r for h e r t h o u g h t s o n w h a t she w o u l d d o with a
PAUSE
b u t t o n t h a t s t o p p e d life
r a t h e r t h a n videotapes. Let m e try to r e c o r d w h a t she said exactly—I t o o k a few n o t e s at t h e t i m e . "Well," she said, " I t h i n k first I w o u l d j u s t sit a n d t h i n k for a while a n d try to c o m p r e h e n d t h e fact t h a t I was t h e only p e r s o n a r o u n d w h o was able to move. T h e n I'd p l a n o u t t h e little revengeful things I c o u l d d o . I ' d b r i n g it to work, definitely. I c o u l d p u t s o m e of t h o s e D e n n i s o n c o l o r e d d o t s o n S t e p h e n Milrose's evil face, o n e by o n e . W h i l e h e is sitting t h e r e at T u e s d a y C o n f e r e n c e , m a k i n g his nasty little c o m m e n t s , s h o o t i n g every o n e down,
ridiculing
p e o p l e for n o r e a s o n , I ' d pick a word,
s o m e harmless w o r d t h a t h e says a lot, like for i n s t a n c e 'back side.' Every t i m e h e said t h a t s o m e d e a l o r s o m e client was g o i n g to ' t u r n a r o u n d a n d bite us in t h e backside,' I ' d hit t h e PAUSE
b u t t o n a n d stick a yellow d o t o n his face. I w o u l d love
to d o that! T h e y w o u l d a d d u p , too! T h a t w o u l d give m e e n o r m o u s satisfaction, to see his face fill u p with a r a s h of 81
NICHOLSON
BAKER
dots. N o b o d y w o u l d say a n y t h i n g , b u t h e ' d b e covered. H e loves to say, T i m e o u t , t i m e o u t . ' I'd b e merciless—every time h e said, T i m e o u t , ' m a k i n g t h a t T with his h a n d s , I'd t i m e - o u t for r e a l a n d stick a little g r e e n d o t o n his face. It would b e s u c h a screech to see his evil little face get totally covered with yellow a n d g r e e n dots. So t h a t kind of t h i n g is n u m b e r o n e — p e r f o r m i n g little p r a n k s like t h a t o n t h e t o p two o r t h r e e t r u e assholes o n this floor. I ' d have to get t h a t o u t of my system. B u t t h e n I w o u l d have to think, I'd have to t h i n k . . . " I d i d n ' t say a n y t h i n g , b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to prejudice h e r r e s p o n s e in any d i r e c t i o n . " W e l l , " s h e said finally, with s o m e decision, " w h a t I t h i n k of is g o i n g over to M a r k T h a l m e i s e r a n d c h i t c h a t t i n g with h i m a b o u t s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r , a n d while h e ' s l o o k i n g at m e a n d b l i n k i n g innocently, I'd p a u s e h i m r i g h t in t h e m i d d l e of o n e of his blinks a n d s t a n d over h i m a n d take o u t my b o o b s a n d sort of fluff t h e m in his eyes. First I'd take a b i g p o w d e r puff a n d get t h e m all p o w d e r e d u p , a n d t h e n I'd fluff my nipples in his eyes. T h a t w o u l d b e f u n . " " W o u l d t h a t b e classed as a n act of revenge, o r a n act r e s u l t i n g from sexual a t t r a c t i o n ? " I asked her. " B o t h . M a r k is sex o n wheels, in a way. H i s wife is sex o n wheels, t o o . " S h e l o o k e d at m e significantly. "Yes?" I said, s t r e t c h i n g t h e w o r d o u t . "Yes. I d o n ' t really like Mark, I like Mark's wife. Well—I like t h e m b o t h . S h e h a s t h e best mouth. It's sort of like Leslie C a r o n ' s m o u t h . N o — h e r e ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o if I h a d a r e m o t e t h a t freezes t h e world. I'd b e in a florist's s h o p , a n d Kari T h a l m e i s e r w o u l d c o m e in to get s o m e c u t dresses beautifully,
flowers.
She
in a n expensive l o u n g e y way—yellow
p a n t s a n d t h a t k i n d of t h i n g — b u t she pulls it off. She would lean into the
flower-cooler
to smell a b u n c h of flowers, cold 82
THE
FERMATA
flowers, a n d I w o u l d p a u s e h e r as she's smiling, with h e r eyes closed, b r e a t h i n g in t h e scent of s o m e really filthy-looking flower. O r n o , b e t t e r yet, s o m e b u n c h of n i c e s i m p l e p r e t t y flowers, like c a r n a t i o n s . W h a t e v e r t h e flower is, I m o v e it aside after h i t t i n g t h e r e m o t e , b e c a u s e it's my t u r n , Kari T h a l m e i s e r , a n d I adjust t h e wire shelf o n t h e c o o l e r so t h a t it's j u s t below h e r chin, a n d I like c l i m b u p o n it, get u p o n my heels, a n d spread my b i g solid m e g a - t h i g h s wide o p e n for h e r , so she's half a n inch from this giant, s o p p i n g , sloppy, juicy, d r i p p i n g flowerbox
of m i n e . I c a n feel t h a t I ' m d r i p p i n g all over t h e
blossoms t h a t are in t h e vases o n t h e floor of t h e cooler. T h e metal is cold o n m y ass. I see h e r m o u t h , t h a t Leslie C a r o n m o u t h , smiling at t h e smell of t h e flowers, h e r eyes closed, a n d t h a t makes m e jill at myself really fast. W h e n I ' m j u s t a b o u t to flip a n d I c a n ' t s t o p myself, I h o l d t h e b a c k of h e r h e a d a n d I j a m h e r face i n t o my j u i c e - b o x a n d I hit t h e r e m o t e so t h a t time flashes o n for h e r for j u s t a half a s e c o n d . T o o q u i c k for h e r to know. As I start c o m i n g I ' m merciful a n d I p a u s e h e r again a n d I j u s t c o m e a n d c o m e a n d c o m e against h e r b e a u t i ful l i p s — a n d even against h e r n o s e , h e r n o s e w o u l d b e j u s t right for my clit. Yeah, I ' d h o l d h e r e a r l o b e s a n d p u l l h e r face into m e until I'd h u m p e d every little come-kick o u t of my hips, a n d t h e n I'd c l i m b o u t of t h e c o o l e r a n d p u t everything back w h e r e it was, all t h e nice pretty c a r n a t i o n s a n d baby's b r e a t h a n d shit, a n d I'd carefully d a b at h e r p r e t t y face with s o m e floral tissue, b e c a u s e we w o u l d n ' t w a n t p r e t t y Kari to look like s h e ' d b e e n e a t i n g a w a t e r m e l o n . I ' d s p e n d a c o u p l e of m i n u t e s fixing h e r lipstick. T h e n I ' d start t h i n g s u p a g a i n a n d I'd go, 'Wull, Kari T h a l m e i s e r , h o w a r e you!' " " I n t e r e s t i n g ! " I said, enjoying Arlette's filth. " C o u l d n ' t you spread those t h i g h m a s t e r s for m e ? S h o w m e t h a t b i g fat Georgia O'Keeffe?" 83
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" N e v e r , " said Ariette. W e l a u g h e d b e c a u s e it was so obvious a n impossibility. N e i t h e r of us w a n t e d t h e o t h e r , b u t we did w a n t to get close to w h a t we really w a n t e d by talking a b o u t it. I p u s h e d my glasses u p o n my n o s e Clark Kentishly, forgetting t h a t I was in a p e r i o d w h e r e p u s h i n g my glasses u p actually did t r i g g e r a t i m e - s t o p p i n g D r o p . O u t of curiosity, realizing I'd t r i g g e r e d a D r o p , I slipped m y h a n d s u n d e r i m m o b i l e Ar iette's skirt to see if t a l k i n g a b o u t Kari T h a l m e i s e r h a d m a d e h e r detectably wet. It h a d n o t . H e r idea was to h e r at t h a t m o m e n t n o m o r e t h a n a verbal flourish, a r h e t o r i c a l bit of self-display—her e x u b e r a n t p l e a s u r e was in b e i n g cheerfully s h o c k i n g as m u c h as it was in really feeling t h e sexual c h a r g e of h e r
flowershop-idyll.
B u t I h a d t h e s t r o n g suspicion t h a t
t h e r e w o u l d b e a r e s i d u a l effect—that w h e n she got h o m e from work she w o u l d t h i n k a g a i n a b o u t Kari a n d t h e flowerc o o l e r a n d , w i t h o u t t h e distraction of my b e i n g t h e r e as a n a u d i e n c e , would allow herself to b e c o m e worked u p by it, a n d I f o u n d t h a t I w a n t e d very m u c h to see t h a t h a p p e n . So I followed h e r h o m e , p u s h i n g u p o n my glasses w h e n it was necessary, as w h e n I s l i p p e d p a s t h e r as she was frozen in t h e act of o p e n i n g h e r d o o r . S t a n d i n g silently in out-of-sight c o r n e r s a n d closets, I w a t c h e d h e r take off h e r work clothes a n d sit at h e r k i t c h e n table in h e r sweats e a t i n g a bowl of rice with soy s a u c e while she w a t c h e d t h e news. W h e n she h a d finished
h e r rice, s h e b e g a n t u g g i n g a n d twirling h e r p u b i c
hair. S h e t a p p e d h e r m i d d l e
finger
to h e r o p e n i n g a n d
smelled it. A n d t h e n she w e n t to t h e b e d r o o m . It was almost d a r k by t h e n . S h e h a d a solidly sexy
field-hockey-playing
sort
of body. N o s n a k e t a t t o o s anywhere; n o p i e r c e d body-parts. S h e m a d e herself c o m e twice, first with h e r fingers, wrongways a r o u n d in t h e b e d with h e r feet o n t h e wall, o n e
fingernail
tickling t h e f r u s t u m of h e r ass, a n d t h e s e c o n d t i m e with h e r 84
THE
FERMATA
H i t a c h i v i b r a t o r — a n d t h e s e c o n d t i m e h e r eyes were closed in bliss a n d h e r left a r m was t h r o w n sideways o n t h e b e d , so t h a t h e r h a n d , p a l m u p , was o u t in m i d a i r , l o o k i n g as if it w a n t e d s o m e t h i n g to h o l d . I p u s h e d u p m y glasses, s t o p p i n g events in progress, a n d e m e r g e d from t h e shadows of t h e o p e n closet a n d knelt so t h a t my b i g silent dim-witted dick h u n g n e a r this u p t u r n e d p a l m . I w a n t e d to close my h a n d s a r o u n d h e r h a n d , a r o u n d my dick. It was as if h e r d e s c r i p t i o n of w h a t she w o u l d impermissibly d o with Kari T h a l m e i s e r m a d e it okay for m e to give h e r a h a n d f u l of myself u n a s k e d , t h o u g h of c o u r s e I k n e w t h a t it really d i d n ' t . T h e r e is n o t h i n g so sexy as s e e i n g a solid y o u n g dyke c o m i n g with h e r legs b e n t in a d i a m o n d s h a p e , feet together, a n d o n e of t h o s e H i t a c h i c a m p i n g flashlights, those H i t a c h i h u g e - e y e d d e e p - s e a exotic fishes, d o i n g its b l u n t tireless t h i n g in h e r M a r i a n a s T r e n c h . I risked b e i n g seen, e m b o l d e n e d by h o w l o u d t h e v i b r a t o r was, t i m i n g m y mastur-strokes to t h e s h a k i n g of h e r k n e e s a n d t h e s o m e w h a t Zen-like w h o o s h i n g of h e r b r e a t h i n g , a n d w h e n s h e b e g a n to c o m e for t h e s e c o n d t i m e I did in fact s t o p t i m e for a n i n s t a n t a n d laid my dick in h e r p a l m a n d closed m y fist a r o u n d h e r fist, a n d squeezed o n it so tightly my knuckles t u r n e d yellow, sliding within my skin in a n d o u t of h e r grip. As t h e i n e x o r a bility of my clasm b e g a n I p u l l e d d o w n o n m y glasses so t h a t she a n d I were living coterminously, a n d as s h e c a m e I re leased one-liners of s p e r m u p h e r f o r e a r m a n d t h e n s q u e e z e d the last semi-painful d r o p l e t s of m y o r g a s m o u t o n h e r c u r l e d fingers. I let h e r j u s t b e g i n t o register t h e fact of m y c o o l i n g slime o n h e r a r m after she finished c o m i n g herself before I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d toweled h e r off a n d left. T h e n e x t day she looked at m e o d d l y — s h e said, " W e r e y o u . . . ?" a n d " D i d you . . . ?" a n d t h e n s t o p p e d . I said, " W a s I w h a t ? " s m i l i n g innocently. S h e d i d n ' t p u r s u e it. 85
NICHOLSON
BAKER
N o w t h a t I have r e c o r d e d it h e r e , it seems to m e t h a t Arlette's flowershop story a n d m y b e h a v i o r in h e r a p a r t m e n t afterward m a y m a r k t h e e n d of o n e p h a s e of my Fold-life a n d t h e b e g i n n i n g of a n o t h e r . I was always, o r a l m o s t always, quite careful, even p a i n s t a k i n g , in my sexual a d v e n t u r e s in t h e Fold u p u n t i l t h e n , b u t Arlette's recklessness liberated m e , at least to a d e g r e e . I still revere t h e w o r d " p a i n s t a k i n g , " as I always h a v e — I p r o n o u n c e it a n d t h i n k of it as if it were divisible into " p a i n " a n d "staking," because the "staking" contributes a tweezery sort of p u s h - p i n n e d delicacy to t h e c o n n o t a t i o n a n d is in its p o i n t e d n e s s t h e secret r e a s o n for t h e w o r d ' s success, even t h o u g h technically it merely m e a n s t a k i n g p a i n s , o r ex e r t i n g oneself. B u t s o m e t i m e s w h e n I ' m r e c o r d i n g detailed n o t e s as I r e m o v e a w o m a n ' s clothes ("left b r a strap fallen" o r " p a n t i e s inside o u t a n d w o r k e d partway i n t o asscrack") so t h a t I will b e s u r e to r e p l a c e everything perfectly, j u s t as it was, I feel a g u r g l e of Arlette's joyful who-gives-a-fuckness working in m e , a n d I w a n t to strip t h e e n t i r e city of B o s t o n a n d m o u n d all t h e clothes t o g e t h e r in t h e m i d d l e of W a s h i n g t o n Street a n d d a n c e o n t o p of t h e m s c r e a m i n g , " W e ' r e totally fucking n a k e d , w e ' r e totally fucking n a k e d ! " — o r failing t h a t (since s u d d e n w i d e s p r e a d big-city n u d i t y c o u l d lead to r a p e s a n d o t h e r u n f o r e s e e n t u r b u l e n c e ) , I m i g h t w a n t to strip everyone in a n idyllic small town like N o r t h a m p t o n a n d see how they w o u l d adjust to it. T h a t a c t o r o n Unsolved Mysteries c o u l d d o a nice twenty-minute segment about the event—the Quiet Little C o l l e g e T o w n T h a t S t r i p p e d . N o b o d y w o u l d c o n n e c t it to m e a n d m y S o l o n o i d . Since Ariette, I have t a k e n m a n y m o r e risks; I have increasingly w a n t e d to give t h e world s o m e t h i n g to d i g e s t — s o m e t h i n g b i g a n d a n a r c h i c a n d sloppy b u t n o t (I h o p e ) h a r m f u l o r even particularly e m b a r r a s s i n g in any p e r m a n e n t way to t h e individuals c o n c e r n e d . Probably my 86
THE
FERMATA
decision to assemble s o m e t h i n g o n p a p e r a b o u t m y life flows in p a r t from this u r g e . B u t I d o have limits a n d hesitations. O n l y a few days after my e v e n i n g c h a t with Ariette, I was waiting in t h e lobby of t h e s a m e b u i l d i n g for a c a b to show u p . It was a b o u t eleven at night. A H a m m e r m i l l b o x full of b a c k u p d o c u m e n t s was to b e p u t in a c a b to go o u t to a p a r t n e r ' s h o u s e . ( T h e p a r t n e r was sick b u t , g o o d m a n , p l a n n i n g to work all n i g h t . ) T h e c a b was delayed. Every so often I s p o t t e d a r a t m o v i n g fast across t h e plaza in t h e dark. T h e security g u a r d was in a chatty m o o d . I knew h i m slightly. H e was in his forties, with s o m e serious d e n t a l p r o b l e m s . O n c e , w h e n I h a d s t o p p e d t o say hello for a second, h e h a d raved a b o u t a piece of m u s i c o n his r a d i o — "Listen to this, I j u s t love it! I wish I knew w h a t it was. It's m i n t ! " — p r o u d of himself for his s u d d e n affinity for w h a t h e took to b e R a c h m a n i n o f f o r B r u c k n e r o r s o m e b o d y . I listened for a p h r a s e o r two a n d i n q u i r e d w h e t h e r it w a s n ' t t h e t h e m e from Love Boat. His face w e n t t h r o u g h a m a l e m e n o p a u s e as h e realized t h a t I was right a n d t h a t his a t t e m p t to d e m o n strate his c u l t u r e h a d b e t r a y e d h i m i n t o h u m m i n g e n t h u s i a s tically a l o n g with a tired old T V show. So in a g e n e r a l way I t h o u g h t I liked h i m . While I was w a i t i n g for t h e c a b , I d e c i d e d to ask h i m w h a t h e w o u l d d o if h e h a d a r e m o t e - c o n t r o l device that, instead of p a u s i n g a video, froze t h e e n t i r e universe. H e u n d e r s t o o d t h e sexual i m p l i c a t i o n s of w h a t I was asking im mediately. " W h a t would I d o ? " h e said. " I ' d find t h e nicest, bestlooking chick I c o u l d find a n d rip h e r clothes off a n d p l a n k h e r right t h e r e . " I was a little t a k e n aback. " B u t she w o u l d n ' t b e m o v i n g . Y o u would really fuck h e r ? " H e said absolutely h e would. " I ' d find t h e nicest, m i n t e s t 87
NICHOLSON
BAKER
chick I c o u l d find a n d carry h e r off to a n alley a n d r i p h e r clothes off a n d start h a m m e r i n g t h e shit o u t of h e r . " " B u t she w o u l d n ' t b e r e s p o n d i n g ! " I a g a i n protested. " S o what? I ' m t a l k i n g a b o u t a m i n t chick now, a really m i n t chick. If s h e was m i n t I w o u l d n ' t care if she was moving. O r , okay, if she w a s n ' t m o v i n g , I ' d j u s t click t h e r e m o t e o n for a s e c o n d , a n d s h e ' d start fighting a little, a n d t h e n s h e ' d b e m o v i n g , a n d t h e n I ' d t u r n h e r off a n d I'd h a m m e r o n h e r some more." " B u t t h e n she's fighting y o u , " I said. " T h a t ' s r a p e . " "Well, yeah, it's r a p e , I g u e s s , " h e said. "Call m e a sick f u c k e d - u p guy, b u t t h a t ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o . N o w my friend Jerry, h e ' s a ladies' m a n . H e p r o b a b l y w o u l d n ' t shove it in a n d start w h a l i n g o n her. H e ' d p r o b a b l y e a t h e r o u t , suck o n h e r tits a n d all t h a t . " " B u t t h a t ' s n o t really right, e i t h e r , " I said, feeling increas ingly c o n f u s e d a n d u n h a p p y . " I k n o w , " h e said. " O r — m a y b e h e ' d j u s t look at her, I d o n ' t know." " I s u p p o s e it's all basically e q u i v a l e n t , " I said, t h i n k i n g o u t l o u d . " I m e a n , u n b u t t o n i n g o n e b u t t o n is j u s t as bad, since it's d o n e w i t h o u t h e r say-so. B u t I d o n ' t really believe that, for s o m e r e a s o n . I t h i n k t h e r e are levels to it. I personally would just undress her." " W h a t , u n d r e s s h e r a n d p o u n d y o u r p u d , m a n ? " h e cried. " Y o u ' d j u s t u n b u t t o n a few b u t t o n s a n d c a t c h a bit of tit a n d go, O h , sorry I h a d to lay a h a n d o n you, a n d t h e n y o u ' d fucking masturbate,
m a n ? W h a t a waste! I'd fucking j u m p in
t h e r e . I ' d fucking y a n k t h e r e m o t e from you a n d start w h a l i n g o n h e r . W h a t ' s t h e difference? As far as I c a n see there's n o difference b e t w e e n j u s t t e a r i n g h e r clothes off a n d h a m m e r ing on her." 88
THE
FERMATA
" I guess n o t , essentially," I said. A b r o w n a n d white c a b drove slowly by b u t it d i d n ' t s t o p . " S t i l l — t h e r e s h e is s t a n d i n g t h e r e , in a certain position, n o t m o v i n g . S h e ' s dry! H o w c o u l d you possibly w a n t to fuck h e r ? " "Easy, I'd j u s t m o v e h e r a r m s a r o u n d , adjust h e r legs." "But, I ' m telling you, she's dry!" I was trying to give h i m every c h a n c e to r e c o n s i d e r a n d retract. "All right. Say I see this i n c r e d i b l e chick c o m i n g o u t of NAPA." " O u t of w h a t ? " I asked. " O u t of NAPA. A u t o p a r t s . I h a u l h e r t o t h e alley, I r i p h e r clothes off, a n d I try to stick it in her, a n d she's a little dry, right? T h e n I n o t i c e t h a t t h e r e ' s s o m e fucking grease in t h e b a g she's carrying, this t u b e of axle grease she's b o u g h t for h e r h u s b a n d , right? I squeeze s o m e of t h a t o n m y cock a n d I fuck h e r with t h e h e l p of that, a n d t h e n I leave h e r t h e r e , a n d she wakes u p , a n d s h e goes, W h a t t h e fuck? O r n o , I dress h e r back u p , a n d I p u t h e r b a c k w h e r e she was in front of t h e store, a n d I take off, a n d I click t h e r e m o t e , a n d she's t h e r e o n t h e street, a n d t h e r e ' s this t i n g l i n g in h e r c u n t , a n d she goes to wipe herself later, a n d this fucking black grease s m e a r s all over h e r h a n d , a n d she thinks, W h a t t h e fuck is g o i n g o n here?" " I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why you have to h a u l h e r off to a n alley," I said. " W h y n o t right t h e r e in front of t h e N A P A store?" H e looked at m e as if I was u n a b l e to u n d e r s t a n d t h e obvious. "I c o u l d never d o it o n t h e street. I c o u l d n ' t d o it in public. Even t h o u g h everyone's frozen stiff. W i t h my luck, o n e guy's eyeball w o u l d still b e m o v i n g a r o u n d , a n d h e ' d see m e a n d h e ' d b e a b l e to give a positive I D . I'd h a u l h e r off s o m e where secluded a n d h o s e t h e shit o u t of h e r u n t i l m y dick was 89
NICHOLSON
BAKER
sore. T h e n I ' d start t h i n k i n g a b o u t s o m e b a n k s . " H e got a faraway look, i m a g i n i n g it all. " A h - h a h , b u t what if I click o n t h e r e m o t e while I ' m fucking h e r , so she fights m e a little, a n d she sees my face? W h a t d o I d o t h e n , h u h ? W h a t d o I d o then?" " Y o u d o n ' t m e a n y o u ' d kill her, d o y o u ? " I said, with s o m e a c t u a l h o r r o r in m y voice. " A r e you m a r r i e d ? " "Yeah, I ' m m a r r i e d . " O n c u e , h e b r o u g h t o u t a family p h o t o of his wife a n d o n e b l o n d kid a n d o n e infant a n d displayed it p r o u d l y . T h e n h e said, " N o , I w o u l d n ' t kill her. Actually you k n o w what? I ' d r a t h e r b e invisible, t h e n I'd j u m p o n t h e chick a n d h o s e h e r while she was fighting m e t h e whole t i m e . I w o u l d n ' t care, why w o u l d I c a r e ? " " T h a t ' s r a p e , " I said a g a i n . " R i g h t , " h e said. "Okay, b u t now, say it was s o m e o n e you knew." " A chick I k n e w ? " " R i g h t , " I said. " S o m e o n e you really t h o u g h t was b e a u t i ful." " S o m e o n e I ' d always w a n t e d to fuck a n d s h e ' d t u r n e d m e down?" " O k a y , y e a h , " I said. " I ' d p r o b a b l y kiss h e r before I h o s e d t h e shit o u t of her. I'd hit t h e r e m o t e a n d I ' d say, 'You t u r n e d m e down, b u t y o u ' r e m y p u p p e t now.' " T h e n h e h a d a f u r t h e r t h o u g h t . " N o , okay, say if she was a nice girl, a really nice girl. Say I go after her, t h i n k i n g I ' m g o i n g to h o s e her, a n d I hit t h e b u t t o n o n the r e m o t e a n d freeze h e r , a n d t h e n I ' m s t a r t i n g to g r a b h e r tit o r s o m e t h i n g , a n d s o m e t h i n g c o m e s over m e , a n d I c a n ' t go t h r o u g h with it, even t h o u g h I w a n t to so b a d , a n d a b i g tear r u n s d o w n m y face, a n d I say, 'I c o u l d have h a d you, b u t I let you g o . ' Right? T h a t w o u l d b e a real tearjerker. A n d I take off. 90
THE
FERMATA
B u t first—mint!—this w o u l d b e mint!—first I write my p h o n e n u m b e r o n h e r tit. Right? T h a t ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o in m y i m a g i n a t i o n , b u t I ' m telling you w h a t I w o u l d d o for real, right? I'd go after s o m e b o d y I always t h o u g h t was great-look ing, like this chick I know from h i g h school, C h r i s t i n e — h e r m o t h e r is fucking fantastic. H e r m o t h e r is nice. Yeah, W h e e l ers' is p r o b a b l y t h e first h o u s e I ' d g o t o — I ' d h o s e t h e shit o u t of Christine's m o t h e r , t h e n I ' d h o s e t h e shit o u t of C h r i s t i n e . " I was distressed by this conversation with t h e security g u a r d . I felt t h a t h e a n d I were radically different sorts of p e o p l e (a realization t h a t c a n b e in itself dispiriting, b e c a u s e you w a n t the rest of r a n d o m l y e n c o u n t e r e d h u m a n i t y to b e c o m p r e h e n s i b l e ) , b u t at t h e s a m e t i m e I felt t h a t a case c o u l d b e m a d e for o u r f u n d a m e n t a l likeness, a n d I really d i d n ' t w a n t to b e like h i m . Morally, I am different f r o m t h a t security g u a r d — n o , let's n o t mess a r o u n d : morally, I ' m a little b e t t e r t h a n h e is. I a m . B u t I a c k n o w l e d g e t h a t s o m e of t h e t h i n g s I have d o n e a r e — l e t m e j u s t say it—rape-like acts t h a t s o m e observ ers w o u l d c o n d e m n m o r e v e h e m e n t l y t h a n they w o u l d c o n d e m n t h e security g u a r d ' s offhand r e m o t e - c o n t r o l fantasies, because I s h o u l d k n o w better, a n d b e c a u s e , in m y own case, they really h a p p e n e d . B u t I m e n t i o n t h e security g u a r d , a n d A r i e t t e t h e p a r a l e g a l , a n d my friend Bill A s p l u n d h , n o t so as to raise t h e fretful subject of r a p e theory. I j u s t w a n t to p o i n t o u t w h a t I t h i n k is my o w n oddity: unlike any of t h o s e I q u e s t i o n e d , w h a t I w a n t to d o , a n d w h a t I in fact e n d u p d o i n g , in t h e F o l d is t o live o u t my p e r e n n i a l wish to insert s o m e novelty i n t o t h e lives of w o m e n . Ariette w a n t e d to m a s h h e r clit-folds i n t o t h e life of a w o m a n ; t h e security g u a r d w a n t e d to insert his smallm i n d e d dick i n t o t h e lives of w o m e n ; b u t I d o n ' t w a n t to b e quite t h a t direct. I n s t e a d I r e p l a c e t h e white c h a l k in Miss 91
NICHOLSON
BAKER
D o b z h a n s k y ' s h a n d with b l u e ; I p u t t h e fortune-cookie for t u n e u n d e r o n e of Joyce's bottles; I leave t h e vibrator where t h e w o m a n in t h e library c a n find it. I a m still i m p o s i n g my will o n t h e i r lives, of c o u r s e — b u t I w a n t to a r r a n g e things so t h a t they discover m y i m p o s i t i o n , a n d I w a n t t h e imposition, however calculated, to have a n e l e m e n t of s i m u l a t e d fortuity. I ' m captivated by t h e s i m p l e i d e a of p u t t i n g s o m e t h i n g in t h e p a t h of a w o m a n , so t h a t she c a n c h o o s e to look at it o r r e a d it, or, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , c h o o s e to walk o n by. I n college I b o u g h t f o u r b r a n d - n e w copies of Kinflicks a n d left t h e m o n e by o n e o n a sidewalk n e a r a g i n g k o tree in front of o n e of t h e f r e s h m a n d o r m s so t h a t w o m e n o n t h e i r way to class w o u l d see t h e m a n d b e n d to pick t h e m u p a n d take t h e m off with t h e m . (A w o m a n i n my o w n d o r m h a d told m e t h a t t h e b o o k was very " o r g a s m y " — I h a d n ' t r e a d it t h e n , a n d still haven't.) W h i c h b r i n g s m e at last to m y own self-published erotica, o r " r o t . " A while back, while I was lying o u t in t h e s u n in my yard o n a b e a c h towel, I b e c a m e i n t e r e s t e d in t h e idea of u s i n g t h e Fold to have a w o m a n e n c o u n t e r my very own words. T o o u n d i s c i p l i n e d to write simply for t h e p l e a s u r e of writing, I n o n e t h e l e s s felt a b l e to write as l o n g as it served sorrie specific sexual e n d . A t first I i m a g i n e d h o v e r i n g at a b o o k s t o r e a few shelves away from a w o m a n w h o a p p e a l e d to m e : as she p u l l e d a b o o k off t h e shelf a n d b e g a n to flip t h r o u g h it ( s o m e t h i n g like Eva Figes's Light),
I w o u l d f e r m a t e a n d inscribe dirty
messages in t h e m a r g i n s , like " I n e e d a b i g j u m p i n g clit u n d e r m y t o n g u e right now!" T h e n I ' d watch h e r r e a d my a n n o t a t i o n a n d shake h e r h e a d with disgust a n d r e p l a c e t h e book. B u t m a y b e she w o u l d n ' t r e p l a c e t h e book; m a y b e she would b u y t h e b o o k anyway; m a y b e she was in fact in t h e b o o k s t o r e l o o k i n g n o t for a copy of Eva Figes's Light b u t for a live n u d e t o n g u e o n h e r j u m p i n g clit; m a y b e my m a r g i n a l i a w o u l d b e 92
THE
FERMATA
taken by h e r as a p o r t e n t of sexually fructifying times to c o m e . O d d l y e n o u g h , I d i d n ' t act o n this r a t h e r c r u d e i d e a u n t i l quite recently, b e c a u s e t h e t h o u g h t of v a n d a l i z i n g a t r a d e p a p e r b a c k with p o r n o g r a p h i c graffiti m a d e m e sad: a wheel c h a i r - b o u n d art-history t e a c h e r in college o n c e gave a n im pressive s e r m o n o u t of t h e u n p a r a l y z e d side of his m o u t h o n t h e viciousness of writing in b o o k s o n e d i d n ' t own, a n d I t o o k it to heart. A few m o n t h s a g o , however, I tried t h e idea o u t o n e evening at t h e W a t e r s t o n e ' s b o o k s t o r e o n Exeter. A finely c o n s t r u c t e d w o m a n of thirty in a black c u r l - n e c k e d c o t t o n sweater with gray sleeves s t o o d in t h e fiction section a n d p u l l e d a copy of s o m e t h i n g called Paradise Postponed by J o h n M o r t i m e r off t h e shelf. It was a r e d p a p e r b a c k . I h a d n ' t r e a d it, t h o u g h I'd h e a r d of J o h n M o r t i m e r . S h e g l a n c e d at t h e back, t h e n flipped to t h e first p a g e , t h e n s k i p p e d to s o m e w h e r e in t h e m i d d l e , w h e r e a scene c a u g h t h e r eye. S h e r e a d for a few seconds, a n d t h e n she d i d w h a t I was h o p i n g she would d o : s h e c u r l e d t h e c o r n e r of t h e p a g e u n d e r h e r finger tip so t h a t she w o u l d b e a b l e to t u r n to it i m m e d i a t e l y w h e n she n e e d e d to—thus- s i g n a l i n g to m e t h a t she was definitely g o i n g to look at t h e n e x t p a g e . I s n a p p e d my fingers to invoke t h e C l u t c h a n d gently r e m o v e d t h e M o r t i m e r novel from h e r h a n d s a n d wrote o n t h e p a g e t h a t she w o u l d b e t u r n i n g to, in as e l e g a n t a cursive as I c o u l d m u s t e r , / need to pop my nuts on a pair of small sexy tits right this second!! I s n a p p e d o u t of t h e time-clutch a n d w a t c h e d h e r from a safe d i s t a n c e as she t u r n e d t h e p a g e a n d r e a d w h a t I h a d written. S h e d i d a n almost i m p e r c e p t i b l e d o u b l e take, t h e n flipped a r o u n d in t h e b o o k to see if t h e r e was a n y t h i n g else h a n d w r i t t e n . S h e l o o k e d a b o u t her, n o t i c e d m e a b s o r b e d in a copy of The Princess of Cleves, a n d , b e c a u s e ( t h o u g h s o m e w h a t r o u g h - h e w n ) I look " i n t e l l e c t u a l " ( t h e glasses), she was r e a s s u r e d t h a t w h o e v e r 93
NICHOLSON
BAKER
h a d written t h a t d e s i d e r a t u m in t h e b o o k she h a d picked u p h a d d o n e so a while a g o , p e r h a p s m o n t h s a g o , a n d was in any case n o l o n g e r in t h e store. T h e n she sighed conclusively a n d p u t t h e b o o k b a c k o n t h e shelf a n d i n s p e c t e d s o m e t h i n g by M u r i e l S p a r k called Loitering with Intent. Titles are so i m p o r t a n t to lonely browsers. I c o u l d of c o u r s e have written s o m e t h i n g dirty in t h a t b o o k , t o o , b u t I resisted t h e u r g e , n o t only b e c a u s e it w o u l d have m a d e h e r fearful t h a t s o m e o n e was singling h e r o u t s o m e h o w , b u t also b e c a u s e I c o u l d n ' t for s o m e r e a s o n m a k e myself write nasty t h i n g s in a b o o k written by a w o m a n . I c o u l d deface J o h n M o r t i m e r w i t h o u t c o m p u n c tion, b u t n o t so M u r i e l Spark. I h o v e r e d t h e r e until the w o m a n i n b l a c k c o t t o n finally left (with Breakfast at Tiffany's), a n d t h e n I b o u g h t t h e M o r t i m e r myself, since I h a d r u i n e d it. I still have it; I m e a n to r e a d it someday. Many, m o s t of m y fold-adventures are like t h a t — i n c o n c l u sive; wastes of t i m e by s o m e s t a n d a r d s . B u t I like w h e n my little s c h e m e s d o n ' t really work o u t — I still feel t h a t I have created s o m e b o n d b e t w e e n myself a n d t h e w o m a n with w h o m I have d e c i d e d to m e a n w h i l e away t h e time. T h e w o m a n in black will eventually forget a b o u t t h e writing I d i d for h e r at t h e t o p of t h e p a g e of Paradise Postponed, since it is difficult to r e t a i n the active m e m o r y of m i n o r incidents w h i c h are in a small way i n e x p l i c a b l e a n d r a n d o m - s e e m i n g , a n d yet for a short time t h a t evening, for a few h o u r s , she m i g h t possibly have enter t a i n e d herself by s p e c u l a t i n g a b o u t w h a t sort of p e r s o n would browse W a t e r s t o n e ' s writing a p o s t r o p h e s of s m u t in m o d e r n English novels. S h e m i g h t have b r o u g h t it u p t h a t w e e k e n d at a d i n n e r p a r t y — m a y b e s o m e o n e was talking a b o u t t h e history of t h e W a t e r s t o n e ' s b u i l d i n g a n d she w o u l d b e r e m i n d e d of t h e o d d i t y I h a d given h e r a n d start to tell t h e story a n d realize t h a t s h e w o u l d b e slightly e m b a r r a s s e d to r e p e a t in c o m p a n y 94
THE
FERMATA
w h a t I h a d written, a n d t h e n s o m e o n e else at t h e table, a catty gay m a n , w o u l d say, " O h , c o m e o n , P a u l i n e , you c a n ' t b r i n g us this far a n d n o t finish u s off, we're g r o w n - u p s after all," a n d she would r e p e a t to t h e d i n n e r party, in h e r own t h o u g h t f u l , even voice, s u r p r i s i n g herself t h a t she d i d in fact r e m e m b e r the text, "Well, I believe t h a t it said, 'I n e e d to p o p m y n u t s o n a p a i r of sexy little tits right now.' E x c l a m a t i o n p o i n t . " A n d t h e r e would b e w h o o p l e t s of m o c k - s h o c k e d m i r t h . All b e c a u s e of m e , all b e c a u s e of m e .
95
7
^
^
I
7
'
US, THOUGH,
BRIEFLY RETURN T O T H E TIME I WAS
OUT-
side o n t h e b e a c h towel in t h e yard, since I did go o n to i m a g i n e w r i t i n g m o r e t h a n m e r e e x p o s t u l a t i o n s in p a p e r backs t h a t m o r n i n g , a n d t h e m a n n e r in which events devel o p e d as a result of m y i m a g i n i n g s is q u i t e typical of my Fold-life. (Maybe interlife w o u l d b e a g o o d w o r d for t h e por t i o n of m y life I s p e n d b e t w e e n - t i m e s , in t h e Fold.) I t u r n e d over a n u m b e r of distinct t h o u g h t s t h a t m o r n i n g , b u t mainly I t h o u g h t of w r i t i n g a brief a m a t e u r sex story of my own a n d p l a n t i n g it w h e r e a w o m a n m i g h t find it. I envisioned b e c o m i n g a writer of private e r o t i c a — a rotter, a secret m e m b e r of t h e literoti. Specifically I envisioned d a s h i n g off s o m e t h i n g 96
THE
FERMATA
a b o u t a w o m a n o n a ridem l a w n - m o w e r t h a t I w o u l d p r i n t out, staple at t h e c o r n e r , a n d p u t in a plastic f o o d - s t o r a g e b a g with a twist-tie closure a n d b u r y in t h e colder, unsiftable s a n d j u s t below w h e r e s o m e w a r m - s k i n n e d s u n b a t h i n g w o m a n was idly d i g g i n g as she lay face-down o n h e r towel o n a b e a c h somewhere. I was d u r i n g t h a t p e r i o d w i t h o u t F o l d - p o w e r s — I h a d n o t , as a m a t t e r of fact, b e e n able to d i s r u p t sidereal t i m e at will for eight full m o n t h s , a fairly l o n g fallow p e r i o d for m e , a n d while at first I h a d as u s u a l b e e n relieved n o t to have t h e distracting o p t i o n of s t o p p i n g all t h e clocks w h e n e v e r I w a n t e d to t h i n k o r spy o r feel, I was n o w really q u i t e d e s p e r a t e to get back s o m e of t h e o l d m a g i c . W h a t if I n e v e r a c c o m plished a successful D r o p again? H o r r i b l e . I w a n t e d i m m e d i ate c o n t r o l l e d nudity. T h e c a l e n d a r , t h e year-at-a-glance wallet c a l e n d a r I carry a r o u n d with m e , t h a t m a r v e l o u s inven tion in which twelve l o c o m o t i v e - s h a p e d m o n t h s in series p u l l t h e m i s c e l l a n e o u s freight of a full y e a r of days a l o n g , h a d b e c o m e my e n e m y . W h a t h a d I d o n e with all t h a t free time? W h a t h a d I d o n e with m y life, m y interlife? O f t e n o n m y m i n d was t h e slogan devised by s o m e self-helper a b o u t t e n years a g o — " T o d a y Is t h e First Day of t h e Rest of Y o u r Life." It is a good, exciting, up-revving slogan. B u t it was b e g i n n i n g to o c c u r to m e to w o n d e r w h a t t h e p e r s o n w h o t h o u g h t it u p h a d d o n e with t h e rest of his life, following t h e m o m e n t o u s m i n u t e w h e n h e first conceived of it. H a s h e b e e n himself h e l p e d by his own s n a p p y b u m p e r sticker? H a s h e d o n e a n y t h i n g else of n o t e aside from writing it? Is his m i g h t i e s t a c c o m p l i s h m e n t g o i n g to b e merely t h e i n v e n t i o n of a m e m o r a b l e f o r m u l a t h a t urges o t h e r s to a c c o m p l i s h s o m e t h i n g ? A n d was t h e world any b e t t e r for his h a v i n g written w h a t h e h a d written? T h e world has r e c o g n i z e d its i n s p i r a t i o n a l value a n d fully m e t a b o l i z e d it; 97
NICHOLSON
BAKER
individual lives have p e r h a p s b e e n in s o m e cases i m p r o v e d as a result of its e x i s t e n c e — h i g h school h o m e w o r k may have b e e n d o n e t h a t w o u l d n ' t have b e e n d o n e , new leaves may have b e e n t u r n e d over, difficult p h o n e calls m a y have b e e n m a d e — b u t n o w its o w n b i g m o m e n t of efficacy is finished, it c a n n o l o n g e r surprise u s i n t o s u d d e n effort, a n d yet t h e p e r s o n w h o t h o u g h t it u p is a l m o s t certainly still with us, living out, n o t Day 1, b u t Day 1,234, o r Day 3,677, of t h e sadly anticlimactic rest of his life—repeatedly e x p e r i e n c i n g , as we all d o , those brief c a l e n d r i c a l r e g r e t s w h e n it is n o l o n g e r t h e toddlingly i n n o c e n t fifth o r sixth of a given m o n t h b u t s o m e w h e r e early in t h e teens, midway d o w n , a n d t h e n s u d d e n l y it's t h e twentysixth a n d t h e m o n t h is g o i n g forever, t h e o n e a n d only O c t o b e r y o u will b e given t h a t year, a n d t h e false o p t i m i s m of a new y o u n g m o n t h is a b o u t to b e g i n , like a stock split t h a t w i t h o u t c h a n g i n g any f u n d a m e n t a l s m a k e s t h e price p e r share look alluringly c h e a p all over again; a n d t h e n t h e " 3 " of t h e new m o n t h ' s d a t e a g a i n slides i n t o t h e " 5 , " a n d t h e " 5 " m u t a t e s i n t o t h e " 1 2 , " e a c h of t h e thirty o r thirty-one successive n u m e r i c a l d a t e s c a r r y i n g with it, regardless of w h a t actually h a p p e n s o n t h a t day, a default m i x t u r e of e m o t i o n s t h a t results simply from its l o c a t i o n o n t h e scaffolding of t h e c a l e n d a r — a specific r a t i o b e t w e e n t h e residual d e t e r m i n a t i o n to get what ever difficult o r distasteful t h i n g s t h e r e are o u t s t a n d i n g d o n e in t h e days of t h e m o n t h t h a t r e m a i n a n d t h e growing d e s p a i r at t h e m a n y difficult o r distasteful t h i n g s t h a t simply c a n n o t get d o n e in t h e days t h a t r e m a i n a n d m u s t b e carried forward to t h e n e x t m o n t h . T h e c a l e n d a r was my e n e m y b e c a u s e I h a d n o c o n t r o l over it a n y m o r e , n o o p t i o n of p o s t p o n e m e n t , n o eject b u t t o n , a n d I h a d n o t b e e n in c o n t r o l of it for over eight months. O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , m y c o o r d i n a t o r , J e n n y , h a d n o t h a d any 98
THE
FERMATA
work for m e t h a t day, so I was free. I h a d b e e n assigned to work at a n a r c h i t e c t u r a l firm in C a m b r i d g e , b u t t h e n they called a n d c a n c e l e d a n d n o t h i n g else h a d t u r n e d u p . I lay in b e d for a while, t o o k a shower, a n d w a n d e r e d o u t to t h e b a c k yard (my l a n d l o r d ' s yard, really) with a large heavy dry b e a c h towel. I d o n ' t know n o w w h a t t h e d a t e was, b u t I d o k n o w t h a t it was early in t h e m o n t h , w h e n I still felt full of h o p e ( o r p e r h a p s it was so late in t h e m o n t h t h a t I felt t h e u n d i s t u r b e d a n d i m m i n e n t h o p e of t h e n e x t m o n t h in full force), a n d it was s o m e t i m e in t h e late spring. It was o n e of t h e first times I h a d g o n e o u t to lie in t h e s u n t h a t year; it was a clean, b u d - p o p p i n g b l u e o u t of a t e m p e r a t e - z o n e B o s t o n weekday. A h u n d r e d very small h i p p o p o t a m u s - s h a p e d c l o u d s were o n t h e m a r c h o v e r h e a d , a n d t h o u g h I like a n d r e s p e c t a rigorously cloud-free m o r n i n g as m u c h as a n y o n e — w h e n t h e only possi ble seconds of s h a d e you c a n e x p e c t o u t o n y o u r towel a r e those strangely p a r a n o r m a l e x - m a c h i n a s w h e n a h i g h c r u i s i n g bird (a gull o n its way to i n l a n d D u m p s t e r s ) o r a n a l m o s t i n a u d i b l e a i r p l a n e c o m e s m o m e n t a r i l y b e t w e e n y o u r eyelids a n d t h e sun, raising y o u r consciousness of t h e conical g e o m e try of u m b r a l c o i n c i d e n c e — g i v e n t h a t t h e r e were all these evenly s p o o n e d - o u t clouds, regularly d i s p e n s i n g a n ideal in terval of coolness every five m i n u t e s o r so, d u r i n g w h i c h t h e trees r e g a i n e d t h e i r g r e e n d e p t h a n d I h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to a p p r e c i a t e t h e h e r e t o f o r e - u n n o t i c e d sweat o n m y s t o m a c h , a n d given t h a t I was n o t h i n g b u t a t e m p a n d lacked for t h e time b e i n g t h e o n e t h i n g t h a t k e p t m y p r i d e intact, w h i c h was my f e r m a t i o n a l gift, I was n o n e t h e l e s s q u i t e h a p p y with w h a t the day h a d to offer. I invariably feel lucid a n d p l e a s e d with life after a shower anyway ( t h e r e is a n illusion of m e n t a l acuity that accompanies a thoroughly moistened a n d rejuvenated sinus-system a n d t h e sensation of wet h a i r - e n d s o n t h e b a s e of 99
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e n e c k ) , b u t s e l d o m m o r e p l e a s e d with life t h a n w h e n I c a n g o directly from t h e tiley shower o u t to a clean w a r m sunlit b e a c h towel o n t h e lawn. I t o o k off my watch a n d my glasses a n d set t h e m o n t h e e d g e of t h e towel, n e x t to t h e Fieldcrest label; I t o o k off my T-shirt a n d laid it gently over t h e p o r t a b l e p h o n e , lying nestled in t h e grass, to k e e p it from overheating. I e x t e n d e d myself s t o m a c h - d o w n o n t h e towel (a b l u e - a n d white-striped towel; t h e b l u e stripes were detectably w a r m e r t h a n t h e white o n e s ) a n d let t h e weight o n my ribcage p r o d u c e a m o a n of u t t e r c o n t e n t m e n t . N o t h o u g h t s of u n c l o t h e d w o m e n d i s t u r b e d my awareness; a n d it was n o t so late in t h e s u n n y season t h a t lightweight, m o t h l i k e h o p p i n g c r e a t u r e s were liable to l a n d annoyingly o n m y legs; I felt only h o w lucky I was t h a t after a little r o o t i n g a r o u n d , a little trial a n d e r r o r , t h e g r o u n d w a r d side of my face was a b l e to find, within i m m e d i a t e neck-flex r a n g e , as it always eventually d i d find, a c o n j u n c t i o n of several s o d - h u m p s o r d o l m e n s t h a t c r a d l e d my c h e e k b o n e fairly comfortably t h r o u g h t h e i n s u l a t i o n of t h e s u n - w a r m e d towel. As w h e n I t o o k a seat in t h e older-style dentist's chairs a n d discovered t h a t t h e weight of m y e n t i r e h e a d was to b e s u p p o r t e d by two swiveling occipital c u p s t h a t d e t e r m i n e d exactly h o w far back I w o u l d have t o slide my ass, so m y location o n t h e lawn now b e c a m e with this satisfactory c h e e k b o n e s e t t l e m e n t s u d d e n l y u n a r b i t r a r y : I was h o m e , m y eyes closed, b r e a t h i n g easily be c a u s e of t h e r e c e n t shower, still d a m p h e r e a n d t h e r e n o t yet with p e r s p i r a t i o n b u t with cleanliness, a n d a b l e to hear, if I c o n c e n t r a t e d , p r e s s i n g my h e a d b o n e s d e e p i n t o Fieldcrest's p l u s h - b l u r r e d p a t t e r n , t h e lonely toils of a beetle o r a g r u b s o m e w h e r e very n e a r my ear, c h e w i n g a n d p u s h i n g o n s o m e futile mission in t h e t h a t c h . Was t h e weight of my h e a d mak i n g life m o r e difficult for t h e g r u b ? W a s t h e r e a g r u b t h e r e at 100
THE
FERMATA
all, o r was it only t h e s o u n d of t h e u n t e n a n t e d t h a t c h itself adjusting to my weight? I c o u l d n ' t know, b u t I was sorry if I was c a u s i n g t r o u b l e for any living t h i n g . I p l u c k e d a few blades of grass with my fingers; I h e a r d t h e muffled s o u n d s of the breakage transmitted t h r o u g h the underreaching rhi zomes. I felt calm, t h o u g h t f u l , at rest—serenely u n p r o d u c t i v e . I n my idleness I h a d of c o u r s e t h e o p t i o n of l e t t i n g m y t h i n k i n g drift in a n u m b e r of mildly erotic d i r e c t i o n s at any time, b u t it s e e m e d i m p o r t a n t to resist t h a t l u r e for t h e m o m e n t . It w o u l d have b e e n so easy to i m a g i n e t h r e e w o m e n in white b a t h i n g suits lying o n white d e c k chairs o n a p a l e - b l u e cruise ship with t h e i r h e a d s p o i s e d in different directions, each with o n e k n e e u p a n d with h e r eyes closed, e a c h h o l d i n g a f o r g o t t e n b o t t l e of s u n s c r e e n t h a t was t h e c o l o r of t h o s e o l d e r Tercels a n d Civics w h o s e owners h a d u s e d t h e i r g a r a g e s for s t o r i n g o t h e r t h i n g s t h a n t h e i r cars a n d w h o s e p a i n t h a d consequently oxidized i n t o states of frescoesque, u n s a t u r a t e d beauty, like M&Ms sucked for a m i n u t e a n d spit b a c k o u t i n t o t h e p a l m for study. It w o u l d have b e e n so easy to t h i n k h a r d a b o u t those leggy t h i g h s flowing i n t o t h e leg-holes of t h o s e white b a t h i n g suits; a b o u t o n e of t h e w o m e n s t r a i g h t e n i n g o n e thighy leg a n d b e n d i n g t h e o t h e r ; a b o u t h o w g o o d t h e s u n m a d e t h e m feel. B u t I w a n t e d to steer clear of t h e legholes u n t i l at least twelve-thirty, preferably o n e - t h i r t y if possi ble, b e c a u s e it was so very delightful o u t in t h e s u n , a n d t h e r e was, after all, a n infinitude of c o m p l i c a t e d a n d intellectually r e w a r d i n g ideas in t h e world t h a t I m i g h t u s e my m o r n i n g of otium libérale to consider, h e l p e d t o w a r d states of scholarly attentiveness by t h e intrinsic g o o d of t h e b l u e sky, a n d if I gave my h i n d b r a i n t h e slightest o p p o r t u n i t y to w o r k u p a comely sexual s h a p e , my meditative r a n g e w o u l d inevitably n a r r o w , t h e s e x - t h o u g h t s w o u l d replicate busily, they w o u l d b e g i n t o 101
NICHOLSON
BAKER
polymerize, f o r m i n g short, slippery narrative c h a i n s which w o u l d b i n d with o t h e r formerly i n n o c e n t i m a g e s a n d voluptualize t h e m , c o n t o r t i n g themselves like l i p o p r o t e i n s into selfc o n t a i n e d m a s t u r b a t o r y sub-realities, a n d from t h e r e into fully realized frigments of m y invagination, a n d I w o u l d find t h a t I h a d t u r n e d over o n t o my b a c k to let t h e sweat o n my chest d e c l a r e itself, a n d I w o u l d b e n d o n e k n e e a n d p e r h a p s r e a c h tentatively inside m y b a t h i n g suit t o m a k e sure every t h i n g was s h i p s h a p e , a n d five m i n u t e s later I w o u l d b e inside m y a p a r t m e n t , w h e r e m y eyes w e r e n ' t adjusted to t h e d i m m e r light, a n d w h e r e it was dissatisfyingly cool a n d u n s u n n y , a n d I w o u l d s e n d forth f o u r gray stripes of f a t h e r h o o d a n d father h o o d b y - p r o d u c t s o n t o a t r e e - p a t t e r n e d p a p e r towel t h a t was g u a r a n t e e d t o b e m a d e with m o r e t h a n seventy-five p e r c e n t p o s t - c o n s u m e r waste, e a c h stripe s h o r t e r a n d m o r e a l b u m i n o u s t h a n t h e last. A n d after that, t h e rest of t h e day w o u l d itself take o n a p o s t - c o n s u m e r - w a s t e sort of t o n e , a n after-thegrand-fact t o n e , as w h e n , o n Saturdays, t h e mail was delivered u n u s u a l l y early a n d I w o u l d drive h o m e from a n e r r a n d in t h e late a f t e r n o o n l o o k i n g forward t o it in error, thinking, Well, this was certainly a d u d day, b u t at least t h e r e ' s still t h e mail to c o m e , u n t i l I s l u m p i n g l y r e m e m b e r e d t h a t t h e mail h a d already c o m e — t h e u s u a l b u l k - r a t e packets saying " T o Be O p e n e d by A d d r e s s e e O n l y " o r "Sexually O r i e n t e d Material I n s i d e " o r " O v e r 70 B r a n d S p a n k i n g N e w Items!! W e C o m m a n d You to O r d e r Today." So I tried t o d r a w a n i m p e r m e a b l e m e n t a l oval a r o u n d myself with a k i n d of fantasidal foam, m e a n i n g to k e e p all sex-pixxxels, all prelewds, all floptical jillusions, o u t s i d e its p e r i m e t e r — m u c h t h e way a lovely d o u b l e - b a s s player I o n c e knew in S a n t a C r u z p r a c t i c e d all o n e a f t e r n o o n in h e r apart m e n t in cutoffs with a b i g white circle of a n t i - b u g foam 102
THE
FERMATA
sprayed o n t h e c a r p e t i n g a r o u n d h e r so t h a t s u g a r a n t s w o u l d n o t k e e p crawling u p h e r t a n n e d a n d defiantly u n s h a v e d legs a n d u p t h e p i n of h e r i n s t r u m e n t a n d u p t h e t r i p o d of h e r music stand. S h e h a d b e e n very nice, very n i c e — a nice p e r s o n to know, with a p a i r of gorgeously a u t o n o m o u s J a m a i c a s . I h a d s p e n t o n e a f t e r n o o n lying beside h e r o n t h e b e a c h e a t i n g vanilla cookies with her, a n d at o n e p o i n t I impulsively p u t o n e r o u n d cookie o n e a c h full t u r q u o i s e c u p of h e r bikini t o p . She m a d e a t o l e r a n t w a r n i n g s o u n d , lifting h e r h e a d for a m o m e n t , a n d ate b o t h t h e cookies; I t h e n b r u s h e d a c r u m b lightly from a breast, saying simply, " A c r u m b . " B u t we h a d never h a d sex, she a n d I. A n d w h e n I b r u s h e d away t h a t c r u m b , I did it with s u c h a light, shy t o u c h t h a t I ' d felt only a n i n a n i m a t e bikini s e a m , a n d n o n e of t h e i n s u r g e n t n i p p l e c r o w n e d weight b e n e a t h . S u c h a tragic loss of a c h a n c e ! (This was w h e n I was in my j u n i o r year, a Foldless t i m e for me.) B u t t h a t of c o u r s e was why I r e m e m b e r e d h e r n o w with s u c h l o n g i n g , r a t h e r t h a n r e m e m b e r i n g any of t h e w o m e n with w h o m I h a d h a d sex o r t h e h u n d r e d s I h a d surreptitiously u n d r e s s e d . So I s h o u l d feel thankful t h a t I ' d b e e n so shy in b r u s h i n g away h e r c r u m b , since I h a d h e r to t h i n k a b o u t a n d miss a n d w a n t n o w — e x c e p t that, I r e m i n d e d myself, I was n o t s u p p o s e d to b e t h i n k i n g in sexual d i r e c t i o n s at all. I tried to c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e b r a i n - m u f f l i n g t e x t u r e of t h e towel against my e a r a n d cheek, a n d o n its c l e a n smell, a n d o n how little I r e q u i r e d female n u d i t y in o r d e r to b e h a p p y with my life. J u s t t h e i d e a of h o w c l e a n this b e a c h towel was, h o w fast it h a d s p u n for m e in t h e l a u n d r o m a t ' s w a s h i n g m a c h i n e a few days earlier so t h a t I c o u l d lie o n it now, was m o r e t h a n e n o u g h for m e . I recalled J o h n L e n n o n a n n o u n c i n g to t h e world t h a t h e c o u l d get h i g h j u s t l o o k i n g at a flower. I d i d n ' t n e e d b i g breasts, b i g J e r o b o a m s of titflesh, b i g h o t fleshpots 103
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s h a k i n g in t h e i r self-serve tit-boosting black b r e a s t i e r s — n o , I c o u l d get h i g h j u s t lying o n a towel. Towels, t h o u g h , were u n f o r t u n a t e l y n o t a n entirely u n c h a r g e d subject for m e : they were closely associated with my s e c o n d successful fermation, a year after I h a d e m p l o y e d t h e t i m e - t r a n s f o r m e r in Miss D o b z h a n s k y ' s c l a s s — a n d p e r h a p s I s h o u l d describe t h a t early e p i s o d e for t h e r e c o r d right now. (I have to say, as I s p r i n g a r o u n d this way, t h a t I c a n ' t u n d e r s t a n d how real a u t o b i o g r a p h e r s like M a u r i c e B a r i n g o r R o b e r t Graves d o it. H o w a r e they a b l e to m o v e so smoothly a n d so casually from a to b to c? I ' m h u m b l e d by t h e difficulty of p r e s e n t i n g o n e ' s life truly w i t h o u t s e e m i n g to b e a p r o p o n e n t of overfamiliar n o n l i n e a r o r t h o d o x i e s . It isn't t h a t I t h i n k m y d i s o r d e r so far is in any way swanky o r artistic; it's t h a t w h e n I try to b e a r e s p o n s i b l e m e m o i r i s t a n d a r r a n g e my e x p e r i e n c e s in t h e i r p r o p e r places o n a timeline, my interest in t h e m dies a n d they a l t o g e t h e r refuse to allow themselves to b e told. I find t h a t I have t o s u b m i t to every a n e c d o t a l t e m p t a t i o n j u s t as it arises, regardless of t e m p o r a l priority, in o r d e r for it, for m e , to flower a d e q u a t e l y i n t o words.) So: c h r o n o f u g a t i o n . T h e s u m m e r after fifth g r a d e I used to g o d o w n t h e clothes-strewn stairs to t h e b a s e m e n t ( t h e base m e n t stairway was o u r dirty-clothes h a m p e r ) a n d s p e n d major p o r t i o n s of t h e a f t e r n o o n o b s e r v i n g my family's sheets a n d towels a n d c l o t h e s toil a n d spin. T h e r e was a safety interlock, a h i n g e d inward-swinging t a b , t h a t c u t t h e m o t o r if t h e lid was o p e n e d d u r i n g t h e spin cycle, b u t it was a simple m a t t e r to disable it: I j u s t j a m m e d it o p e n with a p e n . I stood at t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e for m a n y h o u r s , refining my a p p r e c i a t i o n of centrifugal force. At its p e a k s p e e d , t h e basket of a clothes-washer t u r n s at s o m e t h i n g like six h u n d r e d revolutions p e r m i n u t e . Towels, w h i c h are ordinarily t h e very soul of m a g n a n i m o u s a b s o r b 104
THE
FERMATA
ency, are at six h u n d r e d r . p . m . c o m p r e s s e d i n t o loutish, w e d g e - s h a p e d c h u n k s of raw textility, a p o t h e o s e s of w a d d e d ness, t h e i r folds so conclusively s u p e r i m p o s e d , a n d
their
t h o u s a n d s of gently t o r q u e d turf-tassels so e x p u n g e d ,
or
e x s p o n g e d , of reserve capacity, t h a t I feel, after t h e last steady pints of blue-gray water have p u l s e d from t h e exit h o s e a n d t h e l o u d tick from within t h e m a c h i n e signals s o m e
final
d i s e n g a g e m e n t of its transmission, a n d t h e s p i n n i n g slows a n d stops, as if I a m tossing b o n e l e s s h a m s o r (in t h e case of washcloths) little steaks i n t o t h e dryer, r a t h e r t h a n p o t e n t i a l exhibits in a fabric-softener
testimonial. O f t e n t h e
spun
g o o d s display o n r e m o v a l a p a t t e r n of raised d o t s , w h e r e t h e fabric h a s vainly tried to p o u r itself o u t of t h e h o l e s in t h e s p i n n i n g basket in t h e wake of t h e w a t e r it h a s j u s t r e l u c t a n t l y released. At first t h a t s u m m e r I w a t c h e d t h e wash with t h e lid u p j u s t because I enjoyed it—I liked i m a g i n i n g myself as a n agitator, s h o u l d e r i n g t h e water powerfully b a c k a n d forth with m y fins; b u t eventually I b e g a n to suspect t h a t u n t a p p e d t e m p o r a l powers resided in t h e spin cycle. N o t h i n g t h a t c o u l d safely displace articles of c l o t h i n g in a circle t h a t fast c o u l d fail to b e of h e l p to m e in my effort to discover a s e c o n d way, after t h e race-track transformer, to r e m o v e t h e c l o t h e s of girls a n d w o m e n w i t h o u t t h e i r knowledge. T h e r e w e r e w o r d s m o l d e d o n t h e t o p s of t h e agitators' s p i n d l e s — o u r s said
SURGILATOR—
a n d o n e day I let my fingers rest lightly o n this rotifer of m e a n i n g as its final acceleration b e g a n . T h e word, m a d e slightly slippery from residual s o a p , c i r c u l a t e d progressively faster u n d e r my t o u c h until, v i b r a t i n g i n t o u n r e a d a b i l i t y , its letters m e r g e d i n t o a whirling probabilistic a n n u l u s , a n d I felt t h a t t h e secret of spin h a d b e e n c o m m u n i c a t e d from t h e m a c h i n e to m e . A n d I was right—the secret of spin was i n d e e d at m y 105
finger-
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t i p s — b u t it t o o k a while for m e to discover h o w exactly to p u t it to work. At first I t h o u g h t t h a t / h a d to spin. I went outside at twilight a n d p r a c t i c e d whirling with a r m s o u t s t r e t c h e d , n o t t o o terribly t r o u b l e d by t h e possibility t h a t I m i g h t r e m i n d an o n l o o k e r of J u l i e A n d r e w s in The Sound of Music, trying to get m y r e d b l o o d cells to crowd d o w n m y f o r e a r m s with such force t h a t t h e tips of m y fingers w o u l d blow off a n d I would h e m o r r h a g e t r i u m p h a n t l y over t h e p a c h y s a n d r a . B u t of course my fingertips h e l d a n d t i m e ticked o n . (Fingertips a r e so d u r a b l e . T h e y d o n ' t even e x p l o d e w h e n y o u u s e t h e m as t e m p shoe h o r n s ; they j u s t tingle for a s e c o n d as y o u r impassive heel forces itself past.) Even so, I knew I was o n t h e r i g h t track e x p e r i m e n t a l l y w h e n , j u s t a r o u n d t h a t t i m e , I c a m e across a p a p e r b a c k a b o u t U F O s in a c a r o u s e l at a Mass Pike gift s h o p . It was a collection of letters from t h e g e n e r a l p u b l i c to t h e air force d e s c r i b i n g flying-saucer sightings, i n t e r i o r layouts, a n d so o n . O n e of t h e letters was from a m a n w h o t h o u g h t t h a t U F O s were g e n e r a t i n g t h e antigravity forces o n which they s u p p o s e d l y h o v e r e d by s p i n n i n g q u a n t i t i e s of loose dirt a n d b o u l d e r s in a d o u g h n u t - s h a p e d i n n e r r i n g built into t h e per i m e t e r of t h e spacecraft. T h e a u t h o r of t h e letter s u p p l i e d a r o u g h illustration w h i c h showed t h e r o t a t i n g fill a n d t h e re s u l t a n t lift. I knew t h a t his i d e a was flawed a n d foolish, b u t I also knew t h a t h e h a d rightly sensed, as I h a d , centrifugation's evocative peculiarity, its possibly mystical p o t e n t i a l . It wasn't t h e p u l l of gravity t h a t spin w o u l d neutralize, I felt; it was t h e p u l l of t i m e . T h e l o n g e r I s t u d i e d o u r w a s h i n g m a c h i n e with the lid o p e n , t h e m o r e I realized t h a t "for best r e s u l t s " I w o u l d have to b e directly linked to t h e u n n a t u r a l forces t h a t my clothes were e x p e r i e n c i n g . B u t I h e s i t a t e d to c l i m b i n t o t h e clothes basket. I h a d h e a r d stories of b r o k e n fingers a n d dislocated 106
THE
FERMATA
shoulders. I t h o u g h t , however, t h a t if I h a d a way of p l u c k i n g s o m e t h i n g of my own a b r u p t l y from a state of e x t r e m e spin a n d p u t t i n g it o n while it was still d a m p , t i m e w o u l d b e shocked to a stop u n t i l my g a r m e n t dried. It was w o r t h a try, anyway. J u s t at t h e close of a rinse cycle, I tied a l e n g t h of b r o w n twine a r o u n d a d r i p p i n g d a r k - r e d T-shirt as tightly as I c o u l d a n d tossed it b a c k in t h e m a c h i n e . W h e n t h e s p i n n i n g b e g a n I s t o o d o n a c h a i r a n d h e l d t h e e n d of t h e twine above the basket so t h a t it c o u l d b o b b i n freely. At t h e right m o m e n t I j e r k e d h a r d o n t h e twine, s h o u t i n g , " N o w ! " My r e d T-shirt flew twirling i n t o t h e r o o m like a flushed d u c k . I p u t it o n a n d r a n outside, full of h o p e . B u t t h e t w o - t o n e leaves were aflutter o n t h e l i n d e n s a n d I c o u l d h e a r t h e u s u a l traffic, so I knew t h a t I h a d failed. I liked letting t h e shirt dry a n d its c o l o r lighten o n m e , t h o u g h . A few days later, w h e n t h e r e were e n o u g h dirty clothes to m a k e a n o t h e r load, I h a m m e r e d a finishing nail i n t o t h e table n e x t to t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e a n d m o u n t e d a s p o o l of heavyduty t h r e a d o n t o it. I w o u n d t h e e n d of t h e t h r e a d clockwise a r o u n d t h e spindle of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e at t h e c o m m e n c e m e n t of spin. T h r e a d transfer p r o c e e d e d with i n c r e a s i n g speed. T h e little spool w o b b l e d wildly as it was s t r i p p e d of its c o t t o n i n t e g u m e n t . I g r a b b e d t h e spool a n d h e l d it tightly, so t h a t t h e t h r e a d b e i n g d r a w n i n t o t h e m a c h i n e h a d to s n a p — a t t h a t instant of r u p t u r e I e x p e c t e d t i m e to b e all m i n e . B u t time wasn't m i n e even t h e n ; I still, it s e e m e d , w a s n ' t c o n n e c t e d intimately e n o u g h to t h e p u r e state of spin. As so often h a p p e n s , success finally c a m e t h r o u g h t h e c o n vergence of several i n d e p e n d e n t p a t h s of r e s e a r c h . T h e r e was a l o n g r o p e swing in o u r b a c k yard. I h a d b e e n c l i m b i n g this swing a little h i g h e r every day, o n t h e h u n c h t h a t s o m e t h i n g u n u s u a l m i g h t h a p p e n w h e n I was a b l e to m a k e it all t h e way 107
NICHOLSON
BAKER
to t h e k n o t at t h e t o p , w h i c h was p e r h a p s thirty feet off t h e g r o u n d . T h e r o p e was s m o o t h w h e r e we n o r m a l l y h e l d it to swing (sitting o n a r o l l e d - u p r e m n a n t of industrial c a r p e t i n g tied in p l a c e a n d l a u n c h i n g ourselves from a w o o d e n refriger a t o r c r a t e ) , b u t t h e h i g h e r I c l i m b e d , t h e r o u g h e r its h e m p e n t e x t u r e b e c a m e . Every day I g o t a little stronger, in my stom a c h muscles as well as m y a r m s , a n d I also got b e t t e r at relieving s o m e of t h e b u r d e n o n my a r m s by w i n d i n g t h e r o p e a r o u n d o n e leg a n d c l a m p i n g it b e t w e e n t h e t o p of o n e s n e a k e r a n d t h e sole of t h e o t h e r . My h a n d s b u r n e d m o r e e a c h t i m e . I o p e n e d a n d closed my fists w h e n I was safely back o n t h e g r o u n d to m a k e t h e p a i n inside t h e m go away. After a week a n d a half, I finally r e a c h e d t h e k n o t at t h e t o p a n d s l a p p e d t h e finely c r a c k e d b a r k o n t h e l o a d - b e a r i n g b o u g h , a m a z e d a n d even s o m e w h a t terrified t h a t I h a d b e e n able to w o r k m y way u p so h i g h . I e x p e c t e d , after t h a t c o n q u e r i n g slap, to r e t u r n t o e a r t h with n e w powers, b u t in fact I h a d n o n e w powers: I only h a d f o u r t e e n o r fifteen excellent oval calluses o n m y fingers, of w h i c h I was very p r o u d . I n private I p u s h e d at t h e s e calluses while I was t h i n k i n g . O n e w e e k e n d d u r i n g this p e r i o d my father t o o k m e to the h a r d w a r e store. A m a n we called t h e N e e d l e M a n was in t h e p a r k i n g lot. T h e N e e d l e M a n was d e a f a n d d u m b ; h e went a r o u n d t h e city selling packets of sewing n e e d l e s for a living. H e was a short, toothless p e r s o n of a b o u t sixty w h o always w o r e a b a s e b a l l c a p ; t h e r e was s o m e t h i n g w r o n g with o n e of his knees, w h i c h b e n t sideways w h e n h e p u t his weight o n it. H e a p p r o a c h e d u s a n d w e n t i n t o his silent sales pitch: h e flashed t h e p a c k e t of n e e d l e s , s h r u g g e d , looked away, flashed t h e p a c k e t of n e e d l e s again, licked his t h u m b a n d tested the w i n d d i r e c t i o n , smiled, g u m m e d , s h r u g g e d , looked away, l o o k e d at us. My f a t h e r gave h i m a d o l l a r for t h e needles. T h e 108
THE
FERMATA
N e e d l e M a n n o d d e d a n d left us. H e n e v e r showed g r a t i t u d e . I c o n n e c t e d h i m with Rumpelstiltskin a n d with G o l l u m in The Hobbit. W e already h a d five o r six packets of n e e d l e s t h a t we h a d b o u g h t from h i m , so my f a t h e r h a n d e d this o n e to m e . "Maybe you c a n t h i n k of s o m e t h i n g to d o with t h e m , " h e said. A n d I d i d t h i n k of s o m e t h i n g , as a m a t t e r of fact. I g o t a fresh spool of t h r e a d from t h e sewing basket. I o p e n e d t h e packet of needles, w h i c h h a d a c o n v e n i e n t front flap like a b o o k of m a t c h e s . T h e n e e d l e s were a r r a n g e d by size a n d r e s e m b l e d t h e p i p e s in a p i p e o r g a n ; they w e r e p i n n e d with e x a c t i t u d e t h r o u g h two folds of b l u e foiled p a p e r — a h a n d h e l d c a t h e d r a l . I c h o s e a m e d i u m n e e d l e , t h r e a d e d it, a n d s p e n t m o s t of t h e a f t e r n o o n sewing my r o p e - c l i m b i n g calluses t o g e t h e r in various ways. W h e n t h e n e e d l e was partway t h r o u g h a callus I t a p p e d its tip to feel t h e t e n s i o n within t h e t h i c k e n e d skin; t h e sensation was usually painless. I w a g g l e d my fingers with two n e e d l e s p o k e d i n t o t h e m in t h e m i r r o r , p r e t e n d i n g I was b e i n g t o r t u r e d . W h e n I h a d p u s h e d a n e e d l e all t h e way t h r o u g h , t h e t h r e a d t h a t followed was a l m o s t tick lish; my nerves were b e i n g s t i m u l a t e d in a way t h a t left t h e m u n c e r t a i n a b o u t w h a t was inside a n d w h a t was o u t s i d e . It was as if I c o u l d h e a r t h e t h r e a d t u g g i n g t h r o u g h t h e h o l e s in m y skin r a t h e r t h a n feel it. I sewed all e i g h t fingertips in series a n d walked a r o u n d t h e h o u s e m o a n i n g a n d l o o k i n g for a n a u d i ence; t h e n I played s o m e t h i n g very s i m p l e by B a c h o n t h e p i a n o — t h e a d d i t i o n a l p r e s e n c e of t h e t h r e a d in t h e m o m e n t of c o n t a c t with e a c h p i a n o key, a n d t h e restricted r a n g e my fingers
h a d , m a d e t h e music s e e m u n u s u a l l y p o i n t e d a n d
intelligent a n d p u r e . I played better, m o r e h i g h - s t e p p i n g l y , m o r e like G l e n n G o u l d , with sewn h a n d s ( t h o u g h with m a n y m o r e w r o n g notes)—-just as show h o r s e s w e r e (I h a d r e a d somewhere) m a d e by u n e t h i c a l t r a i n e r s to s t r u t prize-win109
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ningly with m u s t a r d a n d c h a i n s in t h e i r fetlocks. I was my own m a r i o n e t t e . I s t o p p e d t h e B a c h in t h e m i d d l e a n d closed t h e p i a n o lid. A n d as I closed t h e lid I knew w h a t I was m e a n t to d o . I s n i p p e d all t h e t h r e a d from my h a n d s a n d a m a s s e d a l o a d ' s w o r t h of dirty clothes from t h e floor of my r o o m (sup p l e m e n t e d by several towels) a n d I s t a r t e d a large w a r m wash with t h e lid o p e n a n d t h e interlock j a m m e d . While t h e wash c h u r n e d t h r o u g h its p r e l i m i n a r i e s , I c h o s e a new n e e d l e , t h r e a d e d it, a n d p u s h e d it t h r o u g h t h e thus-far-unsewn callus at t h e b a s e of m y left h a n d ' s m i d d l e finger. I p u t t h e spool in p l a c e o n t h e n a i l a n d w r a p p e d t h e loose e n d of t h e t h r e a d a r o u n d t h e p o s t of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e . Now, as t h e spin cycle b e g a n , it p u l l e d t h e t h r e a d t h r o u g h m y callus, t h r o u g h a p a r t of m e , in w i n d i n g it o n t o itself. T h e t h r e a d t u g g e d t h r o u g h t h e h o l e in m y skin surprisingly easily, faster a n d faster. My h a n d lay o n t h e sill of t h e washer, face u p . T h e h e a t of t h e friction b e g a n to h u r t ; w h e n it b e c a m e almost u n b e a r a ble, a n d I was o n t h e verge of closing m y fist o n t h e t h r e a d to s n a p it, t h e event, o r n o n - e v e n t , h a p p e n e d . Everything s t o p p e d . I l o o k e d i n t o t h e t u b of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e a n d was thrilled t o b e a b l e to see a n d even t o u c h t h a t fiction of t h e physical sciences, centrifugal force. W i t h o u t suffering h a r m , I c o u l d n o w r e a c h in a n d h o l d clothes t h a t were in t h e midst of s p i n n i n g at six h u n d r e d r . p . m . I p u t my h a n d in t h e m a c h i n e . T h e r e m a i n i n g b l u e water, i m m o b i l i z e d in its t u r b u l e n c e a n d yet still wet to t h e t o u c h , was especially beautiful. T h e world was a g a i n available for u n d r e s s i n g . B u t I knew t h a t if the t h r e a d t h a t r a n t h r o u g h m y callus b r o k e , t i m e w o u l d r e s u m e . So I was u n f o r t u n a t e l y t e t h e r e d to t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e . O v e r a p e r i o d of t e n m i n u t e s I laboriously p a i d o u t the t h r e a d t h r o u g h my callus so t h a t I c o u l d walk upstairs a n d o u t 1 10
THE
FERMATA
to t h e yard. A b i r d was o u t t h e r e , a r o b i n , p a u s e d in t h e air, a b o u t t h r e e feet off t h e lawn—I t o u c h e d its s p r e a d wings, t h o u g h n o t h a r d e n o u g h to d i s l o d g e it from its p a u s a l locus. I c o n t i n u e d to u n s p o o l my c a l l u s - t h r e a d u n t i l I h a d r e a c h e d t h e street. A w o m a n was in a station w a g o n with h e r elbow o n t h e d o o r . I t o u c h e d h e r s h o u l d e r with m y h a n d , t h e n r e a c h e d into h e r b l o u s e a n d w e n t u n d e r h e r b r a a n d felt h e r h o t heavy ostrich e g g of a breast. H e r n i p p l e was a m a z i n g l y soft. H e r h a i r was motionlessly wind-fluffed;
the speedometer
said
thirty miles a n h o u r . T h a t soft unselfconscious n i p p l e I t o u c h e d (my very first after infancy, recall) was driving d o w n t h e street at thirty miles a n h o u r while I, c a r e s s i n g it at leisure, stood in place! W h e n I h a d l e a r n e d e n o u g h a b o u t t h e w e i g h t a n d highly a d v a n c e d mobility of h e r e n t i r e J a m a i c a in my coarse a n d t h r e a d e d h a n d ( j o g g l i n g it r e m i n d e d m e , to m y surprise, of t h e variable heft of a Slinky toy as y o u let its a r c h e d l e n g t h recoil b a c k a n d forth from p a l m t o p a l m ) , I w e n t b a c k to t h e sidewalk so t h a t I w o u l d n ' t b e r u n over, a n d I y a n k e d o n t h e t h r e a d u n t i l it b r o k e . I p u l l e d it from t h e h o l e in m y callus. T h e station w a g o n s i g h e d p r o m p t l y by—I saw a flash of t h e w o m a n in profile, t h e n t h e b a c k of h e r car, h e r m e a n i n g lessly specific license plate, t h e n h e r t u r n - s i g n a l light blink ing, t h e n she t u r n e d d o w n S o u t h l a n d Street, g o n e . I n t h e b a s e m e n t , my clothes t o o k u p with t h e i r s p i n n i n g as if I w e r e still s t a n d i n g at t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e l o o k i n g in. N o b o d y in t h e cars t h a t followed s e e m e d t o n o t i c e t h a t I h a d j u s t a p p e a r e d n e x t to a b u s h y spray of e l m - s t u m p suckers, o u t of nowhere. My second successful d r o p - p h a s e e n d e d t h e r e , circa A u g u s t 1969: it, like t h e t i m e - t r a n s f o r m e r e x p e r i m e n t t h a t h e l p e d m e into Miss Dobzhansky's shirt, was a p p a r e n t l y i n d u p l i c a b l e , d e p e n d i n g o n exactly t h o s e p a r t i c u l a r clothes a n d towels, 11 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h o s e calluses, a n d t h a t specific new p a c k e t of needles from t h e N e e d l e M a n . T e t h e r i n g oneself to a clothes-washer was in any case a s o m e w h a t awkward way of forcing t i m e i n t o remis sion; a l t h o u g h as I t h o u g h t t h a t p e r i o d over o n t h e b e a c h towel in t h e yard I r e m e m b e r e d n o n e of t h e awkwardness— only h o w leapingly h a p p y I h a d b e e n for t h e rest of t h e day b e c a u s e I knew t h e n , after all my false starts a n d failed at t e m p t s , t h a t t h e r e really was m o r e t h a n o n e way to trip t h e universal clutch. Now, o u t in t h e b a c k yard, b e c a u s e I was so d e s p e r a t e to s t o p t h e c a l e n d a r , I c o n s i d e r e d trying s o m e t h i n g like it again: sewing t h r o u g h m y fingers a n d w a s h i n g t h e very towel I lay o n . B u t t h e fact was t h a t m y a d u l t skin was m u c h t o o thin. T y p i n g d o e s n o t m a k e for heavy callusing. (As I type I c a n feel t h e raised p l e a s u r e - d o t s o n t h e J a n d F keys of t h e typical key b o a r d , m o l d e d t h e r e to let you k n o w t h a t y o u r fingers are p r o p e r l y s t a t i o n e d in t h e " h o m e " position, with s o m e t h i n g close t o discomfort, so t e n d e r a r e my
fingertips.)
Perhaps
t h e r e was a way to trigger a D r o p by p r e t e n d i n g I was sick a n d g o i n g to C o m m o n h e a l t h , m y H M O , a n d listing off lots of mysterious p a i n s a n d m o m e n t s of dizziness in t h e shower, so t h a t t h e d o c t o r w o u l d o r d e r s o m e c o m p r e h e n s i v e b l o o d work, a n d w h e n t h e b l o o d was sucked from my elbow a n d s p u n at six t h o u s a n d r . p . m . in a b u c k e t centrifuge in t h e lab to sepa r a t e t h e yellow p l a s m a from t h e r e d cells, t h a t h i g h e r - s p e e d self-centrifugation w o u l d re-create t h e c o n d i t i o n s of t h e pri m o r d i a l w a s h i n g m a c h i n e , a n d I would, while t h e spin was in p r o g r e s s , b e a b l e to u n c l a s p t h e H i s p a n i c p h l e b o t o m i s t ' s b r a while she p o s e d in t h e F e r m a t a , expertly t a p p i n g into s o m e o n e else's vein. B u t I rejected t h e possibility, since even if a t e m p o r a l h e m a t o c r i t worked, it w o u l d b e t o o u n p r e d i c t a b l e a n d i m p o s s i b l e to c o n t r o l ; I n e e d e d a way to switch time o n a n d off quickly a n d easily. 112
THE
FERMATA
B u t this n o t i o n of self-centrifugation d i d a n d d o e s have a powerful a p p e a l , a n d I s o m e t i m e s have t h e distinct sense, as I hover in t h e m i d d l e of a p a g e of this m e m o i r , c h o o s i n g which of my past F e r m a t a s I will relate n e x t , t h a t in o r d e r to write my life p r o p e r l y I n e e d t h e e n t i r e r e c e p t a c l e of my consciousness s p u n , as t h e u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e ' s r o t o r spins its vials of biological freight, fast e n o u g h to c o n q u e r diffusion a n d i m p o s e s o m e artificial o r d e r . I n e e d to d a n g l e in a severe v a c u u m from a o n e - t e n t h - i n c h - t h i c k l e n g t h of p i a n o wire (like t h e r o t o r in t h e old S p i n c o M o d e l E u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e , developed in t h e fifties by E d w a r d G. Pickels a n d his col leagues a n d still in use in a n u m b e r of g r a n t - d e p l e t e d re search p r o g r a m s in p r o t e i n chemistry), while a x e n o n l a m p flashes s o m e unforgiving wavelength over m y m e m o r y sam ple, r o t a t i n g sixty times faster t h a n t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e in my b a s e m e n t d i d — I w a n t all of t h e s e m i - r e m e m b e r e d i m a g e s of half-dressed w o m e n , all these f r a g m e n t s of m y voyeuristic history, t h a t still r e m a i n in messy colloidal s u s p e n s i o n to fly a r o u n d at t h e s p e e d of insight u n t i l they are c o m p e l l e d to file themselves away o n c e a n d for all i n t o n e a t radial g r a d i e n t s of m a c r o m o l e c u l a r uniformity, like layered cocktails o r fancy m u l t i c o l o r e d creations in J e l l - O . I h a p p e n to know, from a three-week a s s i g n m e n t in t h e r e s e a r c h d e p a r t m e n t of K i l m e r P h a r m a c e u t i c a l s (for b e t t e r o r worse, a n alert t e m p c a n pick u p lots of stray k n o w l e d g e ) , t h a t b i o c h e m i s t s r o u t i n e l y use t h e centrifuge (especially t h e low-end t a b l e t o p B e c k m a n m o d e l called t h e Microfuge) to spin down, o r " p e l l e t , " l e n g t h s of D N A in o r d e r to purify o r c l e a n t h e m . A n d everything in t h e m i n d — t h a t final t r i u m p h of p r o t e i n chemistry—is likewise in helpless m o t i o n , afloat, diffuse, i m p u r e , u n w i l l i n g to c o m m i t to precipitation: only a n artificially i n d u c e d pensive force of h u n d r e d s of t h o u s a n d s of gravities c a n spin d o w n s o m e intel113
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ligible fraction of o n e ' s t r u e p a s t self, o n e ' s frustratingly polydisperse personality, i n t o a pellet of p r i n t . O n e e v e n i n g after work very recently, n e e d i n g to rev myself u p to c o n t i n u e writing s o m e section of this very d o c u m e n t , I s n a p p e d t i m e off a n d w e n t for a n i n d o o r walk a r o u n d the r e s e a r c h b u i l d i n g s of Mass G e n e r a l , l o o k i n g for ultracentrifuges a n d for t h e b r e a t h t a k i n g w o m e n post-docs w h o use t h e m . I a g a i n vaguely envisioned c e n t r i f u g i n g s o m e of my own cells, this t i m e for t h e p u r e i d e a t i o n a l r u s h of it: I c o u l d devote a w h o l e P a u s e to p l a c i n g small s a m p l e s of my b l o o d ( o r possibly s p e r m , t h o u g h t h a t s e e m e d a needlessly cruel t h i n g to d o to my s p e r m ) in every Sorvall a n d B e c k m a n a n d H i t a c h i u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e in B o s t o n a n d C a m b r i d g e a n d setting t h e m all o n t o p s p e e d . I w o u l d b e a n e m i c a n d listless by t h e e n d , b u t I w o u l d n ' t care, b e c a u s e I w o u l d know t h a t at t h a t s e c o n d m y o w n perky little cells were b e i n g c r u s h e d i n t o alter native w o r l d o r d e r s of p r o t o p l a s m by exotic megagravities in expensive v a c u u m s in every h i g h - p o w e r e d N I H - f u n d e d re s e a r c h p r o g r a m in t h e area, a n d t h a t trickster knowledge w o u l d p o w e r m e u p w a r d i n t o r a p t u r e s of self-knowledge a n d s e l f - a b a n d o n m e n t . B u t I d i d n ' t actually d o it, b e c a u s e I would t h e n have h a d to c l e a n all t h e b l o o d y test t u b e s after t h e i r r u n s were c o m p l e t e d , since I w o u l d n ' t w a n t to leave s o m e t h i n g as u n s e t d i n g as p r o v e n a n c e l e s s yellow p l a s m a a r o u n d for re s e a r c h e r s to discover. F e a r is my least favorite e m o t i o n ; I want to b e r e s p o n s i b l e for c r e a t i n g as little of it as possible. I did look at a fair n u m b e r of ultracentrifuges, however, a n d what I n o t i c e d was t h a t t h e b i g floor-model m a c h i n e s , t h e o n e s b u i l t in P a l o Alto by B e c k m a n I n s t r u m e n t s , b o r e a surpris ingly s t r o n g r e s e m b l a n c e to clothes-washers. T h e y were a little wider, a n d they were b l u e (which s h o u l d b e a s t a n d a r d color for w a s h i n g m a c h i n e s b u t p e r p l e x i n g l y is n o t ) , a n d a close 1 14
THE
FERMATA
look at t h e c o n t r o l p a n e l revealed, in a d d i t i o n to familiar words like terms
SPEED,
VACUUM
and
TIME,
and
TEMP,
ROTOR—but
t h e less l a u n d r y - r e l e v a n t
they still h a d a n oval o p e n i n g
in t h e t o p t h a t you closed after l o a d i n g with a s i m p l e latch, a n d their direct-drive m o t o r (I l e a r n e d this from
flipping
t h r o u g h a t e x t b o o k in o n e of t h e lab's libraries) o p e r a t e d o n exactly t h e s a m e i n d u c t i o n p r i n c i p a l as a Maytag's. T h e h u g e difference b e t w e e n these two c o n s u m e r d u r a b l e s ( a n d I t h i n k o n e of t h e best t h i n g s a b o u t centrifuge as a n o u n is t h e g h o s t of t h e w o r d huge it safely contains) was t h a t t h e B e c k m a n m a c h i n e c o u l d t u r n a r o t o r , fitted with e i g h t o r even twelve little cuvettes c o n t a i n i n g s o m e b i o h a z a r d o r o t h e r , at sixty t h o u s a n d r . p . m . I n o t h e r words, it c o u l d d e p e n d a b l y spin, w i t h o u t flying a p a r t , o r o v e r h e a t i n g , o r m a k i n g d i s t u r b i n g noises (I n o t i c e d t h a t it was q u i e t e r t h a n a w a s h i n g m a c h i n e ) , at a r a t e of over o n e t h o u s a n d revolutions per second. I lifted o n e of t h e r o t o r s from a shelf in o n e of t h e labs. It was n o t a light object. It was milled o u t of s o m e k i n d of c o m p r e s s e d t i t a n i u m alloy a n d it was finished in a n e l e g a n t a n o d i z e d black. It l o o k e d like a forty-five-dollar d a r k - c h o c o late b i r t h d a y cake, with holes for, say, e i g h t u n u s u a l l y thick c a n d l e s — b u t it w e i g h e d a b o u t as m u c h as a b o w l i n g ball, o r a h u m a n h e a d . I ' m s e l d o m as i m p r e s s e d as I s h o u l d b e w h e n I h e a r t h a t a weightless entity like a n electrical i m p u l s e c a n d a s h a r o u n d in its silicon irrigation ditches a t h o u s a n d times a second, o r even a million times a s e c o n d , b e c a u s e electricity is u n g r a s p a b l e ; o p p o s a b l e t h u m b s a r e of n o u s e in its p r e s ence. B u t w h e n a California c o m p a n y m a n u f a c t u r e d a m a c h i n e t h a t c o u l d get s o m e t h i n g heavy, s o m e t h i n g t h a t you m i g h t g r u n t gently in lifting, t h a t w o u l d d e n t turf if you d r o p p e d it, to r o t a t e a t h o u s a n d times a s e c o n d , t h e achieve m e n t s e e m e d close e n o u g h to b e i n g conceivable t h a t it b e 115
NICHOLSON
BAKER
c a m e inconceivable. A h e a d , s p i n n i n g a t h o u s a n d times a second! I was i m p r e s s e d w h e n t h e little girl in The Exorcist s p u n h e r s a r o u n d o n c e . As I h e l d t h e r o t o r , k n o w i n g myself to b e t h e o n e unstill b e i n g in t h e c e n t e r of a temporarily still universe, I b e g a n to w a n t very m u c h for my own h e a d to revolve at u l t r a c e n t r i f u g a t i o n a l s p e e d s — I w a n t e d to spin so fast m y ears w o u l d rip off my h e a d a n d slap o n t o o p p o s i t e walls; I w a n t e d m y grotesquely e l o n g a t e d t o n g u e , u n r e t r a c t a ble after I o p e n e d m y m o u t h to u t t e r t h e u s u a l " H e l p ! " of t h e F a u s t i a n inventor, to f o r m a p i n k S a t u r n i a n ring o r a n Eliza b e t h a n collar b e f o r e my b r a i n finally blew. N o t only c o u l d t h e h u m a n h e a d n o t survive sixty t h o u s a n d r.p.m., I t h o u g h t , it c o u l d h a r d l y survive t h i n k i n g a b o u t sixty t h o u s a n d r . p . m . A n d in fact, w h e n I reflect o n it now, I realize t h a t my F o l d o u t s are in m a n y ways e q u i v a l e n t to centrifugation, since w h e n I s p e n d a few h o u r s of quality t i m e in t h e Fold I a m in fact h e l d in t h e v a c u u m c h a m b e r of a single exceedingly p a t i e n t millisecond, potentially d o i n g a t h o u s a n d t h i n g s , r e a d i n g whole books, w a n d e r i n g t h r o u g h b u i l d i n g s filled with scientific i n s t r u m e n tation, a n d t h u s , from a bystander's perspective, m o v i n g over m y closed l o o p at m i r a c u l o u s S p i n c o speeds.
116
8
T JL
O RETURN T O THE BLUE-AND-WHITE-STRIPED
BEACH
TOWEL
of last year, however. I a g a i n tried to tell myself h o w selfsufficient I was stretched o u t in t h e G o l d m a n Sachs sun, a n d therefore h o w totally u n n e c e s s a r y any sort of time-perversion, c h r o n o f u g a t i o n a l o r otherwise, was to m e . I h a d a w h o l e free real weekday to d o whatever I w a n t e d ; I c o u l d , for i n s t a n c e , a n d should, r e a d a book. I c o u l d g o to a b o o k s t o r e a n d select a new beautiful p a p e r b a c k a n d b u y it a n d p u t m y n o s e in it to smell t h e fine pukey smell t h a t n e w b o o k s often have. If I h a d clutch powers I c o u l d browse in a b o o k s t o r e u n t i l I saw a w o m a n I liked . . . a n d h e r e I c a m e u p with t h e a f o r e m e n t i o n e d idea of writing a startling b u r s t of filth in t h e t o p 117
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m a r g i n of a b o o k t h a t a w o m a n was c o n s i d e r i n g . W i t h a n effort of will, I e r a s e d t h a t p h a n t a s m : t h e r e were wonderful n o n - g o n a d o t r o p i c topics everywhere a n d I w a n t e d very m u c h to d o t h e m t h e courtesy of t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e m — i t was my d u t y as a c o n s c i o u s c r e a t u r e to t h i n k a b o u t t h e m . T h e plastic arts, for i n s t a n c e . At r a n d o m I t h o u g h t of Sir Lawrence AlmaT a d e m a , h o w skilled h e was at d e p i c t i n g clear water a n d wet tulle. It w o u l d b e g o o d to b e lying o n a towel o n a b e a c h while t h e H i s p a n i c p h l e b o t o m i s t h e l d flat t h e p a g e s of a largef o r m a t e d i t i o n of Sir L a w r e n c e A l m a - T a d e m a ' s p a i n t i n g s with h e r flatly s a g g i n g c o c o n u t - o i l e d breasts, so t h a t t h e C a r i b b e a n b r e e z e w o u l d n ' t m a k e m e lose my place. My eyes were still closed, t h e towel was still clean-smelling, I was still lucidfeeling, b u t I knew t h a t I was a l m o s t ready to t u r n over o n my back, a n d I knew t h a t if I t u r n e d over o n my b a c k my b a t h i n g suit w o u l d c o m e off a m i n u t e later ( a n d w h o c a r e d if a n y o n e saw m e — I w a n t e d p e o p l e t o see m e ! — b u t I was pretty sure n o b o d y was h o m e downstairs anyway, b e c a u s e n o cars were in t h e driveway), a n d o n c e my b a t h i n g suit was off, my J u i c e m a n w o u l d writhe a n d e l o n g a t e against m y t h i g h until, in a t t e m p t i n g to rise a n d m a k e a d r u n k e n s t a t e m e n t , it w o u l d lose its b a l a n c e a n d fall heavily b a c k against my h i p b o n e , w h e r e it w o u l d writhe s o m e m o r e . As a last resort, to r e m i n d myself t h a t m o s t of t h e w o r l d was asexual m o s t of t h e time a n d well w o r t h a close look even so, I o p e n e d my eye, t h e o n e that w a s n ' t lost in t h e t u r f of t h e towel, a n d I saw, with n e a r s i g h t e d m o n o c u l a r vividness, m y h u g e sunlit watch a n d my glasses. T h r o u g h o n e lens of m y glasses I c o u l d see t h e Fieldcrest label, o r r a t h e r its verso inside, which was n i c e r - l o o k i n g t h a n t h e o u t s i d e b e c a u s e you c o u l d see all t h e spendthrift lushness of soft t h r e a d t h a t h a d b e e n necessary to sew t h e little familiar l o g o a n d its t r a d e m a r k s i g n — t h o u g h t h e sight of this m a d e 118
THE
FERMATA
my Fold-urges reawaken, since t i m e t o o was l u s h e r w h e n t u r n e d inside o u t . B e y o n d t h e s h a r p - e d g e d i n n e r b o u r n e of my m y o p i a I saw t h e m a c r o p h a g e of my T-shirt d r a p e d over t h e t e l e p h o n e , which w o u l d only r i n g if J e n n y , my c o o r d i n a tor, c a m e u p with a late a s s i g n m e n t for m e , a n d I i m a g i n e d the quick u p w a r d a r p e g g i o of metallic clicks p r o d u c e d by t h e telescoping c h r o m e a n t e n n a as I p u l l e d it o u t r o u g h l y to answer a call, o n e s e g m e n t r e a c h i n g t h e limit of its slide a n d e n g a g i n g with t h e next, a n d t h e s a m e clicks in reverse o r d e r after I'd h u n g u p a n d was p u s h i n g t h e a s p i r i n - s h a p e d e n d b a u b l e down. T i m e t e l e s c o p e d in a similar way; it w o u l d b e m o s t helpful if I c o u l d instigate a D r o p w h e n e v e r I p u l l e d o n the a n t e n n a of my p o r t a b l e p h o n e . All t h i n g s t h a t c a m e to m i n d suggested m e c h a n i s m s of p a u s a t i o n to m e ; so m u c h so t h a t I b e g a n to feel t h a t I was o n t h e verge of r e g a i n i n g my powers. I closed my eye a n d o p e n e d it again, a n d this t i m e I l o o k e d only at my glasses, a n d it s e e m e d to m e t h e n t h a t t h e very best t h i n g a b o u t s u n b a t h i n g was t h a t you c o u l d o p e n y o u r eyes at any time a n d see y o u r own c o m p a n i o n a b l e glasses w a i t i n g for you t h e r e so close to y o u r face, casting t h e i r s h a r p shadow: I c o u l d see with e x t r e m e clarity t h e thick o p a q u e g r o u n d p e r i m e t e r of t h e rimless lenses, a n d t h e side-pieces crossed at their kneelike earward e n d s , a n d t h e eyelash hair, w h o s e curve e n h a n c e d my a p p r e c i a t i o n of t h e c u r v a t u r e of t h e p r e s c r i p tion, a n d t h e d u s t t h a t built u p so gradually t h a t I h a d n ' t n o t i c e d it, a n d t h e n o s e - p o d s t h a t were filthy b u t w h o s e filth was irrelevant b e c a u s e n o b o d y else c o u l d see it, a n d t h e p a i r e d reflection of s o m e b r a n c h y b l u e n e s s in t h e faintly s c r a t c h e d surface—all this n i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y p r e c i s i o n t h a t I w o r e o n my face every day, a n d never h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to study because all I did was take t h e glasses off at n i g h t a n d fold t h e m 119
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a u t o m a t i c a l l y a n d p u t t h e m by my b e d a n d p u t t h e m o n again in t h e m o r n i n g . N o m a t t e r h o w often I closed my eyes, my corrective lenses w o u l d b e t h e r e in t h e s u n w h e n I o p e n e d t h e m a g a i n , waiting to b e p r a i s e d a n d seen, a n d seen m o r e exactly a n d clearly t h a n if I were w e a r i n g a n o t h e r p a i r of glasses to look at t h e m , b e c a u s e m y n e a r s i g h t e d n e s s short e n e d t h e m i n i m u m focal l e n g t h , m a k i n g t h i n g s even two i n c h e s away fully c o n t e m p l a b l e . I saw my o w n glasses b e t t e r t h a n a n y o n e w h o d i d n ' t n e e d glasses c o u l d ever see t h e m . T h e w o r d clarity struck m e as very fine. My h a p p i n e s s h a d a clarity to it. My h a p p i n e s s was optical. My h a p p i n e s s was t h e direct result of my glasses. S h o u l d I d o t e n p u s h u p s to celebrate t h e i n n o c e n t clarity of my h a p p i n e s s ? S h o u l d I d o t e n p u s h u p s n a k e d ? I t o o k off m y b a t h i n g suit a n d d i d t e n p u s h u p s naked, a n d e a c h t i m e I lowered myself t r e m b l i n g d o w n to e a r t h , a n d my d o w n - h a n g i n g soft-serve n o s e d u n p r o t e s t i n g l y i n t o t h e towel, I t u r n e d my h e a d so t h a t I c o u l d see my glasses waiting t h e r e for m e to a p p r e c i a t e t h e m . Possibly they s e e m e d b e a u t i ful to m e in p a r t b e c a u s e they were hybrids, existing halfway b e t w e e n k n o w e r a n d known, b e t w e e n w h a t I saw a n d how I saw. I felt as if I were l o o k i n g at my own sense of sight, even at myself, w h e n I l o o k e d at t h e m . A conviction b e g a n to grow in m e t h a t as s o o n as I p u t my glasses b a c k o n ( t h e side-pieces a n d n o s e - p o d s w o u l d b e quite h o t by n o w — I liked b e i n g b u r n e d this way) I would again have c o n t r o l over t i m e . W h e n e v e r I p u s h e d t h e m u p o n my n o s e with m y i n d e x finger, t i m e w o u l d i m m e d i a t e l y go idle. My wish to l o o k m o r e closely at s o m e t h i n g t h r o u g h t h e m w o u l d b e e n o u g h of a trigger. So sure was I t h a t my glasses h a d b e c o m e , t h r o u g h my h a v i n g finally simply seen t h e m , F o l d - a c t u a t o r s , t h a t I d i d n ' t even try t h e m o u t at first: I lay i n s t e a d r e c a l l i n g a t i m e w h e n I was at a b e a c h with Rhody. I 120
THE
FERMATA
went o u t in t h e surf with h e r with my glasses o n so t h a t I c o u l d for o n c e see t h e H o k u s a i trim-work o n t h e waves. I knew t h a t I was risking a m a j o r loss (I did still have my c o n t a c t s , u n w e a r ably moldy, n o d o u b t ) , b u t I foolishly t h o u g h t t h a t I w o u l d know how to k e e p above t h e breakers. R h o d y said, " A r e you sure a b o u t w e a r i n g t h e m ? " I said I w o u l d b e very careful. After twenty m i n u t e s , t h e s e c o n d of two b i g u n e x p e c t e d waves t u m b l e d us b o t h . W h e n it withdrew, my glasses were n o t o n my face. T h e y were s o m e w h e r e in t h e o c e a n . I was b l i n d , s t a n d i n g in five feet of cold c h o p p y salt water. R h o d y a n d I g r o p e d in t h e sandy turbidity, l a u g h i n g hopelessly. I b e g a n to adjust to t h e fact t h a t I h a d b e e n very s t u p i d a n d h a d lost my beloved eyewear. B u t s e c o n d s later, amazingly, R h o d y felt t h e m b r u s h past h e r leg, a n d she c a u g h t t h e m a n d waved t h e m in t h e air. I p u t t h e m o n a n d liftingly e m b r a c e d her, as in a travel poster. It was t h e b e s t m o m e n t of t h e trip; we f o u g h t o n t h e p l a n e ride h o m e — m o s t l y b e c a u s e I felt, like Tolstoy w h e n h e showed his rakish j o u r n a l s to Sonya after they got e n g a g e d , t h a t I h a d to try o u t t h e idea of t i m e - p e r v e r s i o n o n h e r ( p r e s e n t i n g it only as fantasy, of c o u r s e ) . S h e t o o k it very b a d l y — a n d we b r o k e u p a m o n t h later. I rose from t h e towel o n t o my knees a n d p u t o n my glasses a n d my watch. I l o o k e d d o w n at t h e s h a d o w of my semi-stiff richard
against t h e b l u e stripes. W h a t else was t h e r e in t h e
world beside m a s t u r b a t i o n ? N o t h i n g . I p u s h e d u p o n t h e b r i d g e of my glasses a n d verified t h a t t h e wind a n d t h e c l o u d s h a d s t o p p e d . I n t h e Fold, s i n g i n g " B a c k in t h e S a d d l e A g a i n , " I got my Casio typewriter a n d w e n t o u t to Storrow Drive a n d p u l l e d a guy off his motorcycle a n d d r o v e it o u t to t h e C a p e , between t h e lanes of h a l t e d cars. T h e b e a c h e s were n o t crowded at all, which was j u s t fine; I walked for a b o u t twenty m i n u t e s u n t i l I f o u n d a w o m a n , fairly nice-looking, lying o n 12 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
h e r s t o m a c h o n a towel in a two-piece b a t h i n g suit t h e grayg r e e n c o l o r of t h e p l a n t called dusty miller. S h e was in t h e process of blindly d i g g i n g two d i a g o n a l d o w n - r a m p s into t h e s a n d o n e i t h e r side of h e r towel, w h i c h was w h a t I wanted. H e r t o p was u n d o n e , t h e straps lying e n d e a r i n g l y u n t a u t l y with t h e i r i n n e r surface visible; h e r b a c k was n o t very t a n n e d , a n d in h e r a p p l i c a t i o n of s u n b l o c k she h a d missed a t r i a n g u l a r p l a c e n e a r o n e of h e r very expressive, well-made s h o u l d e r blades, w h i c h was g o i n g to b e painful in a few h o u r s unless I p u t a little l o t i o n o n it for her, w h i c h I did. I sat cross-legged n e x t to h e r in m y b a t h i n g suit a n d t u r n e d o n my typewriter a n d b e g a n to write a story t h a t I h o p e d w o u l d interest h e r o n s o m e m o r e o r less d e b a s e d level. N a t u r a l l y I h a d n o i d e a w h a t she liked, w h e t h e r she was a particularly sexual p e r s o n , b u t she h a p p e n e d to b e t h e p e r s o n o n t h e b e a c h w h o was idly d i g g i n g in t h e sand, a n d t h a t was all I r e q u i r e d from h e r . T h e rest was u p to m e . I wrote a story a b o u t vibrators a n d dildos. I w o r k e d for a b o u t seven h o u r s (seven p e r s o n a l S t r i n e - h o u r s ) , p e r h a p s longer. It was o n e thirty-eight t h e w h o l e t i m e . I d i d n ' t worry a b o u t g e t t i n g sun b u r n e d ; you c a n ' t t a n o r b u r n efficiently in t h e Fold. W h e n ever I t h o u g h t t h a t my glasses were s t a r t i n g to slip d o w n the b r i d g e of m y n o s e , I h u r r i e d l y p u s h e d t h e m u p in place, n o t w a n t i n g my p e r s p i r a t i o n to restart t i m e by mistake. I only took a few breaks; o n e to press h e r breasts gently from t h e side to b e s u r e s h e h a d n o i m p l a n t s ( t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t a p a i r of breasts a r e fake u n f o r t u n a t e l y kills my lust) ; a n d o n e to go for a swim in t h e m o t i o n l e s s surf. S w i m m i n g in t h e Fold was s o m e t h i n g I h a d n ' t d o n e u p to t h a t p o i n t : t h e water's viscosity varied, a r e a s of p a u s e d t u r b u l e n c e in a c r a s h i n g wave dissolv i n g like l u m p s in b a t t e r as I swam t h r o u g h t h e m . Shells a n d p e b b l e s were s u s p e n d e d in t h e u n d e r t o w like forest u n d e r 122
THE
FERMATA
b r u s h . I r a n my finger a l o n g t h e q u i e t s h a r p crest of wave a n d flicked a h a n g i n g d r o p of seawater i n t o v a p o r with my
finger
nail. It was very tiring b r e a s t - s t r o k i n g m y way u p a n d d o w n t h e stiff-peaked p e c t i n a c e o u s swells. B u t I f o u n d t h e " s w i m " r e freshing (I wore my glasses this t i m e as well, since I was in n o d a n g e r of b e i n g t h r o w n by any s u r f ) , a n d I f u r t h e r c l e a r e d m y m i n d as I c a m e a s h o r e by p u l l i n g o n t h e front of a b a t h i n g suit of a w o m a n of fifty o r so w h o was s t a n d i n g in a n i n c h of water r e g a r d i n g h e r feet; I p e e r e d d o w n it to see h e r fat low white breasts in t h e filtered light of h e r suit. As a novice p o r n i s t e , I m e a n t only to d a s h s o m e t h i n g off t h a t w o u l d have a r e a s o n a b l e c h a n c e of a r o u s i n g t h e s u n b a t h e r beside m e w h e n she f o u n d it. (I knew at least t h a t she c o u l d r e a d — t h e r e was a J a m e s Clavell novel a n d a b o o k o n how to get a j o b in h e r b e a c h - b a g . ) B u t as I w r o t e o n w a r d ( a b o u t a librarian, a youthful n e x t - d o o r n e i g h b o r , a n d a U P S m a n , since, b e i n g a b e g i n n e r , I t h o u g h t I s h o u l d at least m a k e a n a t t e m p t to follow t h e c o n v e n t i o n s ) , p i c k i n g t h e s e t t i n g a n d t h e physical traits of m y few c h a r a c t e r s p r e t t y m u c h at r a n d o m , I got i n t e r e s t e d in w h a t I was d o i n g a n d f o u n d t h a t it was m a k i n g m e w a n t very m u c h to m a k e myself c o m e . I n fact, for t h e first twenty m i n u t e s o r so, every t i m e I typed t h e w o r d " s h e " o r " h e r " I slowed way d o w n to press t h e c o m p o n e n t letters, o v e r c o m e in t h e act of p l a c i n g a f e m i n i n e p r o n o u n o n t h e p a g e by a n a l m o s t irresistible n e e d to w h a l e o n m y b o n e . B u t I d e n i e d myself; instead I t o o k off m y b a t h i n g suit a n d knelt, c r o u c h e d over before t h e typewriter as if I were o n a prayer r u g , showing t h e o c e a n m y o p e n ass a n d u d d e r o u s l y self-juggling balls. I was n o t t h e n u s e d to n u d e s u n b a t h i n g , as I have said, a n d I discovered t h a t t h e s e n s a t i o n of t h e halves of my u p r a i s e d ass b e i n g o u t of c o n t a c t with e a c h o t h e r — t h e sensation of a slight evaporative o u t d o o r coolness o n m y very 123
NICHOLSON
BAKER
asshole, a n d o n t h e usually d a m p s t r e t c h e d skin h i g h u p o n t h e sides of my balls—was m o s t interesting. I d i d n ' t w a n t a n y t h i n g to g o in my asshole, n o , n o , I j u s t w a n t e d it o u t in t h e o p e n , sunlit for o n c e , f l a u n t i n g wavewards its showered cleanness, e x p o s e d in a way t h a t was b o t h lewd a n d v u l n e r a b l e . I n this d e v o t i o n a l p o s i t i o n I w o r k e d for several i n t e n s e h o u r s , writ ing. N o t t h a t I t h o u g h t w h a t I was writing was necessarily by e x t e r n a l s t a n d a r d s g o o d : it was simply t h a t I was p o s i t i o n e d right n e x t to a w o m a n w h o w o u l d b e my a u d i e n c e , t h o u g h she d i d n ' t k n o w it right t h e n , a n d I was in h e r i m m e d i a t e p r e s e n c e c r e a t i n g for h e r a l o n e a n alternative " s h e " c h a r a c t e r , w h o , in t h i n k i n g exactly as I w a n t e d h e r to t h i n k a b o u t dildos a n d vibrators, w o u l d possibly e n t e r t a i n t h e real r a n d o m " s h e " beside m e . Basically I was feeling for t h e first t i m e t h a t h e a d y p a i r e d c o m b i n a t i o n of satisfactions t h a t t h e sexual p r o s e u r c a n e n c o u n t e r at t h e o u t s e t of a n e w e n t e r p r i s e , as his longn e g l e c t e d artistic a m b i t i o n , however tentative o r internally scoffed a t — t h e wish to c r e a t e s o m e t h i n g t r u e a n d valuable a n d even p e r h a p s in a tiny way b e a u t i f u l — c o m b i n e s with basic g r u n t i n g c u n t l a p p i n g lust, t h e two e m o t i o n s reinforcing e a c h o t h e r a n d m a k i n g you, o r r a t h e r m e , feel almost insane with a soaringly d o u b l e d sense of mission. At o n e point, fin i s h i n g a p a r a g r a p h , I s h o u t e d , " / a m a writer of fucking erotica!" i n t o t h e still close air. It was t h e n , in fact, t h a t the first twinges of dissatisfaction with t h e w o r d erotica asserted themselves. I d i t c h e d t h e w o r d p e r m a n e n t l y for its ab breviated r e p l a c e m e n t , rot, a n d I have never r e g r e t t e d it. Yes, I was o u t o n t h e b e a c h o n a r o t t e r ' s r e t r e a t , with my cool a n d d r y i n g A r n u s e x p o s e d to t h e s u n , my cock as h a r d as an e m p t y Calistoga b o t t l e , b u t u n t o u c h e d for h o u r s a n d h o u r s . I was d e n y i n g myself for my rot. 124
THE
FERMATA
W h e n e v e r I hesitated a n d n e e d e d i n s p i r a t i o n , I simply rested my h a n d o n t h e ass of t h e s u n b a t h i n g w o m a n beside m e , s o m e t i m e s sliding t h e fingers u n d e r h e r leg-hole, s o m e times resting my h a n d o n t h e fabric; s o m e t i m e s s q u e e z i n g , sometimes lightly s l a p p i n g . I tried p u t t i n g t h e typewriter o n h e r ass b u t f o u n d it was t o o u n s t e a d y to p r o c e e d . O n c e , t h o u g h , I p u l l e d h e r bikini b o t t o m off a n d sat right d o w n o n h e r softness, l o o k i n g o u t p a s t h e r b r o w n legs at t h e t a b l e a u vivant of t h e waves, ass to ass with my r e a d e r - t o - b e . It was pleasant to wiggle a n d circle a r o u n d , feeling o u r m a s s e d loose-muscled ass-flesh m o v e as o n e over o u r d e e p b o n e s : it was almost a form of c o m m u n i c a t i o n . A n d if I knelt b e s i d e h e r a n d p u s h e d o u t w a r d o n h e r asscheeks, I c o u l d e x p o s e her a n e , a n d I did this m o r e t h a n o n c e , g e t t i n g a g r e a t d e a l of p l e a s u r e o u t of feeling m y o w n plein-air Arnality b a r e d to t h e sky a n d h o l d i n g hers o p e n at t h e s a m e time. H e r s was a fine b r o w n dot, like a tiny a s t e r o i d - i m p a c t crater, w h i c h r e p a i d close study. W o m e n ' s a n e s never u s e d to interest m e in m y teens a n d early twenties—I t h i n k t h a t they a r e o n e of t h e t r u e acquired tastes. T h e y are discrete, singular, clearly b o u n d e d , focused, in c o n t r a s t to t h e b o u n t e o u s plied gyno-confusion of t h e vadge. W h e n I h a d finished a fair copy of t h e story, I p u t it in a plastic food-storage b a g a n d closed t h e b a g with a twist-tie. I excavated t h e sand below h e r right h a n d , w h e r e she h a d b e e n digging, a n d I b u r i e d t h e b a g g e d story t h e r e , p a c k i n g t h e sand as tightly as I c o u l d a n d r e s t o r i n g t h e h o l e she h a d d u g to t h e s m o o t h c o n t o u r s t h a t h e r idleness h a d given it. H e r a r m was warm. H e r hair, by t h e way, was b o b b y - p i n n e d u p , b l o n d with d a r k roots. I p o s i t i o n e d myself b e h i n d a n e a r b y s a n d d u n e a n d took h o l d of my glasses at t h e b r i d g e a n d p u l l e d t h e m down, r e s t a r t i n g t h e p r e s e n t for t h e first t i m e since I h a d 125
NICHOLSON
BAKER
rediscovered my powers. T h r o u g h t h e b i n o c u l a r s , I watched h e r i m p e r t u r b a b l y dig, as if n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . It is al ways a kick to see a w o m a n c o m e alive a g a i n after I've p a u s e d h e r for a n e x t e n d e d p e r i o d : she has n o way of k n o w i n g t h a t a n i n s t a n t of t i m e h a s j u s t passed t h a t was hugely richer in c o n t e n t t h a n any of t h e instants t h a t i m m e d i a t e l y p r e c e d e d it. A n i m m e n s e p a l e - b l u e N o r w e g i a n cruise ship of a millisecond has j u s t d o c k e d a n d s t o u t tourists have d i s e m b a r k e d from it a n d b o u g h t straw h a t s a n d trinkets a n d they have all reb o a r d e d a n d t h e s h i p h a s b a c k e d its t o n n a g e away, its p r o p e l l e r d o m i n g t h e w a t e r — a n d yet she thinks t h a t all t h e milliseconds of h e r r e c e n t past are equivalently in scale, little skiffs a n d j u n k s floating h e r e a n d t h e r e in t h e h a r b o r . A n d I, w h o have lived consciously t h r o u g h , even piloted, t h a t enor m o u s single millisecond, have f o r g o t t e n to s o m e e x t e n t how m u c h b e t t e r a w o m a n is w h e n she is not motionless, w h e n h e r s h o u l d e r blades, for instance, c a n m o v e subtly a r o u n d in h e r back; h e r aliveness is always s o m e t h i n g of a revelation to m e as well. This woman's sand-thinned
fingertips
felt t h e u n e x p e c t e d
slidey m o v e m e n t of t h e plastic b a g after a m i n u t e o r so. She raised h e r h e a d to look over at w h a t she h a d f o u n d , trying n o t to lift h e r u p p e r b o d y off h e r towel a n d e x p o s e t o o m u c h J a m a i c a . S h e p u l l e d my b a g g e d story o u t of t h e s a n d a n d b r u s h e d it off a n d u n d i d t h e twist-tie. A n d t h e n she b e g a n r e a d i n g it. I a m n o t kidding—she actually began reading what I'd written. W h e n I saw h e r slide t h e first p a g e of my d o u b l e - s p a c e d typescript to t h e b a c k of t h e pile, still lying o n h e r s t o m a c h b u t with h e r elbows o u t , h e r c h i n o n h e r h a n d s , I w o r m e d my fist i n t o my swimsuit a n d t o o k h o l d of m y stain-stick. (I h a d of c o u r s e p u t my suit b a c k o n , since t h e world was with m e now.) H e r e follows w h a t I h a d given h e r to u n e a r t h a n d read, slightly e d i t e d (as o p - e d p a g e s say) for space a n d clarity: 126
9
M T
-JLARIAN,
A
RARE-BOOKS LIBRARIAN,
WAS
MARRIED
TO
David, w h o t a u g h t j o u r n a l i s m classes at t h e local r u r a l state college. His own j o u r n a l i s t i c days were over a n d h e h a d b e c o m e kind of p a t h e t i c . H e was a d d i c t e d to a c e r t a i n b r a n d of nasal d e c o n g e s t a n t , a n d h a d to squirt u p noisily every few h o u r s , which M a r i a n d i d n ' t really m i n d e x c e p t w h e n they h a d guests. She was a n early riser, while h e r h u s b a n d stayed u p until two-thirty a n d t h r e e , r e a d i n g m a g a z i n e s h e h a d o n c e written features for with g r o a n s of scorn. T h e y d i d n ' t have a whole lot of money, b e c a u s e they were p a y i n g for David's s o n by a n earlier m a r r i a g e to go to Wesleyan. O n e S a t u r d a y they h a d a b i g a r g u m e n t after David w e n t o u t to b u y s o m e p l a n t s a n d c a m e back with a t w o - t h o u s a n d - d o l l a r ridem l a w n - m o w e r 127
NICHOLSON
BAKER
in his van. It was t h e n e i g h b o r kid's j o b to m o w their lawn, twenty-five dollars e a c h time, which wasn't u n r e a s o n a b l e since t h e r e was a lot of lawn, so t h e r e was n o n e e d at all for this h u g e e x p e n s e . David said t h a t h e h a d b e e n c o m p e l l e d to buy it b e c a u s e it was a n e w m o d e l whose e n g i n e i n c o r p o r a t e d s o m e i n n o v a t i o n of t h e cylinder h e a d t h a t h e ' d r e a d a b o u t in Popu lar Mechanics a n d it was t h e i r d u t y to s u p p o r t c o m p a n i e s t h a t c o n t i n u e d to f u n d r e s e a r c h a n d try n e w things. M a r i a n was very a n g r y a n d u p s e t . It was like t h e t i m e h e h a d b o u g h t two p y r a m i d - s h a p e d beehives a n d a c o m p l e t e kit of b e e k e e p i n g e q u i p m e n t for f o u r h u n d r e d dollars. T h e r e h a d b e e n engulf i n g flows of h o n e y for o n e year, a n d t h e n b o t h hives h a d mysteriously a n d depressingly died. Also t h e h o n e y h a d b e e n " s o m e w h a t g a m e y , " to use David's e u p h e m i s m — m e a n i n g it tasted distinctly of cow. O n t h e new ridem m o w e r David defi antly m o w e d half t h e b a c k yard (they h a d two useless acres), m a n e u v e r i n g a r o u n d t h e two t a r p - s h r o u d e d beehives, a n d t h e n h e c a m e in to m a k e s o m e iced tea a n d kick back. M a r i a n told h i m she w a n t e d to b e s e p a r a t e d from h i m for a while, so h e p a c k e d t h e t o p layer of p a p e r s in his office a n d s o m e clothes a n d m o v e d o u t . I m m e d i a t e l y M a r i a n felt h a p p i e r . O v e r t h e n e x t few days, she g o t rid of t h e gigantic television, which h a d always b o t h e r e d h e r , a n d she p u t away t h e two primitivist portraits of David's C o n n e c t i c u t ancestors. S h e dressed with m o r e care, a n d w h e n a m a n at t h e b a n k picked u p a d e p o s i t r e c e i p t that she h a d d r o p p e d , she smiled at h i m in a way she h a d n ' t smiled at a n y o n e in a l o n g t i m e . S h e felt available. T h e new ridem l a w n - m o w e r h a d to go back, of course. But b e c a u s e David h a d already u s e d it, it was n o w officially a used lawn-mower. T h e guy at t h e d e a l e r q u o t e d h e r a derisorily low b u y b a c k price, a n d o u t of defiance she told h i m to forget it 128
THE
FERMATA
a n d walked o u t . Fortunately, w h e n she told h e r m o t h e r t h a t she h a d finally kicked David o u t , h e r m o t h e r p r o m p t l y c a m e t h r o u g h with a c h e c k for t h r e e t h o u s a n d dollars. M o n e y wor ries eased for t h e m o m e n t , she h i r e d t h e n e i g h b o r kid to m o w the rest of t h e lawn u s i n g t h e n e w g r e e n r i d e m m o w e r . H i s n a m e was Kev. S h e w a t c h e d h i m from various windows as h e j o u n c e d a r o u n d o n h e r lawn. H e h a d ostentatiously d e l i b e r a t e rips in t h e legs of his j e a n s from which his b r o w n k n e e s p r o t r u d e d , a n d h e was w e a r i n g b r o w n work b o o t s . H i s shirt was off. H e was wiry; h e h a d t h a t a d o l e s c e n t ability to b e n d at the waist a n d n o t p r o d u c e a little b l o o m p of waist fat. T h e small side muscles in his u p p e r a r m s h a d a sort of a sideways S s h a p e t h a t called o u t to her. T h e y were t h e muscles h e w o u l d use if h e were s u p p o r t i n g his own w e i g h t over her. She w a t c h e d h i m l e a n i n t o a t u r n u p t h e slight slope t o w a r d the t r a c t o r tire in t h e m i d d l e of t h e front yard. T h e previous owner h a d p u t it t h e r e , p a i n t e d it white, a n d p l a n t e d p e o n i e s in it. David h a d insisted o n k e e p i n g it as it was, h e b e i n g o n e of those n o n - g a y w o u l d - b e c a m p e n t h u s i a s t s w h o rave a u t o matically over a n y t h i n g tacky, a n d n o w M a r i a n , t o o , h a d grown to like it. S h e h a d never e x p e c t e d to b e living in a h o u s e like this, o n a r u r a l highway a mile o u t of a town o n e town over from t h e town t h e college was in, g e t t i n g sexed u p w a t c h i n g a seventeen-year-old n e i g h b o r kid drive h e r
lawn-mower
a r o u n d . His chest muscles were i n d i s p u t a b l y s q u a r e a n d flat; the c o r d of his W a l k m a n h e a d p h o n e s l o o k e d frail a n d kinky against his skin. H o w c o u l d h e possibly b e h e a r i n g any m u s i c with t h e m o w e r going? She t h o u g h t of gently r e m o v i n g his h e a d p h o n e s a n d his p a n t s , a n d t h e n of m a k i n g s o m e sort of h e r b a l w r e a t h for his y o u n g p e n i s , mainly of Sweet G e n o v e s e Basil (a k i n d she h a d recently p l a n t e d ) , like a laurel crown; p e r h a p s as a final t o u c h she c o u l d insert a s h o r t sprig of curly 129
NICHOLSON
BAKER
parsley i n t o t h e o p e n i n g of his u r e t h r a , so t h a t w h e n she slid a n d stroked his soft n e w b o r n sex-skin twistingly u p a n d down, m u r m u r i n g to h i m n o t to worry, t h a t it was j u s t n a t u r e ' s way, a n d h e finally w h i m p e r e d t h e conclusive w h i m p e r , t h e sprig of parsley w o u l d flip right in t h e air from t h e force of his clotted s p e r m . B u t wait, w a i t — s h e d i d n ' t really w a n t to have sex with a seventeen-year-old kid; m o r e o v e r she d i d n ' t like t h e boy's m o t h e r , w h o was a c o m p l a i n e r a n d a conspiracy theorist a n d n o n e t o o b r i g h t . So M a r i a n j u s t p a i d t h e boy t h e twenty-five dollars, p l u s a two-dollar tip. " N e x t t i m e , " she said to h i m , a little shyly, " I ' d like you to show m e h o w to drive t h a t t h i n g . " S h e n o t i c e d t h a t h e h a d b e e n careful to p u t his shirt o n before h e c a m e to t h e d o o r to b e p a i d — a c o n s i d e r a t e t o u c h . H e was a g o o d kid. H e said, "Sure." W h e n h e h a d left, M a r i a n d i d t h e dirtiest t h i n g she c o u l d t h i n k of, w h i c h was to drive fast to t h e s u p e r m a r k e t , buy a c o p y of Cosmopolitan,
drive h o m e , p u l l t h e shades, a n d squat
n a k e d o n h e r living-room floor directly over t h e m a g a z i n e , o p e n e d to a full-page h e a d s h o t of Patrick Swayze. " L o o k at w h a t I ' m s h o w i n g you, Patrick," she said, stroking t h e u n d e r side of h e r o p e n t h i g h s a n d p u l l i n g o n a few p u b i c hairs to a d d a p i q u a n t sensation. Patrick's eyes gazed unblinkingly u p at h e r from b e t w e e n h e r legs, half o b s c u r e d by h e r b u s h . " T h a t ' s right, look at w h a t y o u ' r e m a k i n g m e d o to my b i g clit," she said. " D o y o u w a n t to see m y b i g fat c u n t c o m e ? D o y o u ? " S o o n h e r eyes locked with Patrick's a n d she sat suddenly d o w n o n his n o s e a n d half-smiling m o u t h , m a k i n g t h e d o u b l y slick m a g a z i n e b u c k l e . It was all so o u t of c h a r a c t e r for h e r t h a t she felt glowing a n d refreshed afterward. T h e n e x t week h a d a day a n d a half of rain, a n d t h e lawn n e e d e d a m o w badly by Saturday. Kev c o u l d n ' t c o m e by until 130
THE
FERMATA
three-thirty b e c a u s e of soccer practice. M a r i a n s p e n t t h e day p r u n i n g several overgrown lilacs a n d r e a d i n g s o m e m o r e of t h e new b i o g r a p h y of J e a n Stafford. S h e felt, by t h e t i m e Kevin showed u p , t h a t h e r sexual e n e r g y was very m u c h u n d e r c o n trol a n d t h a t she w o u l d n ' t m a k e s o m e sort of r e g r e t t a b l e pass at h i m . H e e x p l a i n e d h o w to drive t h e m o w e r , with m a n y apologies for t h e fact t h a t h e knew h o w to drive his o w n family's m o w e r better, saying t h a t basically you d i d this a n d t h a t a n d you h a d to w a t c h o u t for this a n d that. S h e p a i d h i m fifteen for t h e lesson, which h e at first w o u l d n ' t take a n d t h e n did take with fairly g o o d grace, a n d she waved a n d b e g a n mowing. It was e x h i l a r a t i n g to c h u r n t h r o u g h t h e grass, espe cially w h e n she drove u p t h e slight g r a d e toward t h e h o u s e a n d h e a r d t h e e n g i n e strain a little. At first she m o w e d in a kind of b o u s t r o p h e d o n p a t t e r n , b a c k a n d forth, a n d t h e n she c h a n g e d to a n Aztec s q u a r e spiral p a t t e r n , h o m i n g in o n t h e white t r a c t o r tire. As she got m o r e c o n f i d e n t a b o u t t u r n i n g sharply a n d u s i n g t h e accelerator, she b e g a n to u n d e r s t a n d why David h a d w a n t e d to own this m a c h i n e — t h e feeling of b e i n g in c o n t r o l of it, c u t t i n g this wide swathe, was really terrific. Over time, t h o u g h , she n o t i c e d t h a t t h e r e was a powerful distraction from t h e m e r e feeling of twelve-point-five-horse power e m p o w e r m e n t , w h i c h was t h a t t h e c o n s t a n t v i b r a t i o n of t h e m a c h i n e h a d gradually w o n over h e r clit-shaft—in fact it h a d enlisted h e r e n t i r e p e r i n e u m . S h e b e g a n to t h i n k of two long, lithe m e n lying b a c k with h i k e d - u p T-shirts in D y i n g Slave poses over t h e t r a c t o r tire, l o o k i n g u p at t h e sky a n d slowly p u l l i n g o n t h e i r M i c h e l a n g e l e s q u e penises. S h e i m a g i n e d herself lying n a k e d o n t h e fresh cool grass with a h u g e slow w o o d e n wheel s u s p e n d e d above h e r , a n d twelve n u d e m e n tied securely to t h e spokes of t h e wheel, t h e i r h e a d s 1 3 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p o i n t i n g t o w a r d t h e c e n t e r , all of t h e i r testicle-sacks h a n g i n g halfway d o w n t h e i r u n s n i p p e d cocks, all of t h e m m a s t u r b a t i n g l a n g u o r o u s l y with t h e i r o n e free h a n d . As t h e C a t h e r i n e wheel t u r n e d above h e r , she felt t h e gaze of all twelve pairs of eyes a d m i r i n g h e r h i p s a n d p u b i c hair, s e e i n g h e r pressing h e r t h i g h s t o g e t h e r , which were right in t h e center, a n d as each m a n ' s cock ticked i n t o p o s i t i o n over h e r face, she o p e n e d h e r m o u t h a n d h e l d h e r t o n g u e o u t a n d closed h e r eyes a n d felt w a r m s e m e n o u s splashes fall o n h e r lips a n d neck. By this t i m e she was in reality driving a r o u n d a n d a r o u n d t h e white t r a c t o r tire, m o w i n g grass t h a t h a d already b e e n m o w e d , n e a r c o m i n g b u t n o t q u i t e able to. S h e was glad y o u n g Kev w a s n ' t in sight right now, o r she m i g h t n o t b e able to c o n t a i n herself. S h e w e n t inside, h a d a shower, a n d finally c a m e h a r d e r t h a n she h a d in q u i t e a while, lying o n h e r b e d r o o m floor with h e r legs u p o n h e r b e d , o n e finger polish i n g h e r n u g , t h e o t h e r h a n d r e a c h i n g a r o u n d h e r leg a n d rudely giving herself t h e finger. S h e p r o l o n g e d t h e aftergasms by s q u e e z i n g h e r clit gently as if it were h e r n i p p l e . B u t w h e n she t h o u g h t it over a n h o u r later, she was n o t perfectly satisfied. T h e o r g a s m itself, t h o u g h it h a d u n q u e s tionably h a d a b e g i n n i n g , a m i d d l e , a n d a n e n d , h a d lacked, d e s p i t e its intensity, t h e lush g r e e n e r y a n d w i n d i n g r o a d s a n d h o t , fruit-filled b a z a a r s t h a t h e r h o u r of ridem m o w i n g h a d led h e r to e x p e c t a l m o s t as h e r right. P e r h a p s she n e e d e d to d o s o m e t h i n g to p e p u p h e r m a s t u r b a t i o n a l t e c h n i q u e ; per h a p s h e r clitoris was simply tired of h e r own fingers after all these years. T h e v i b r a t i o n of t h e m o w e r h a d felt so u n e x p e c t edly g o o d . A year earlier, David's c a r h a d d e v e l o p e d a p r o b l e m with w h e e l a l i g n m e n t , so t h a t t h e s t e e r i n g wheel started w o b b l i n g dramatically at a b o u t sixty-three miles a n h o u r , a n d she n o w r e m e m b e r e d t h a t before h e h a d g o t t e n it fixed she 132
THE
FERMATA
h a d b e e n o b l i g e d o n c e o r twice to pull over to t h e s h o u l d e r a n d get h e r o r g a s m o u t of t h e way so t h a t she w o u l d n ' t b e a h a z a r d to o t h e r s o n t h e r o a d . S h e simply n e e d e d m o r e vibra tion, faster vibration, in h e r life—it was t h a t s i m p l e . T h e i d e a of sexual devices h a d s e e m e d faintly l u d i c r o u s in previous years, a n d w h e n it s t o p p e d s e e m i n g l u d i c r o u s it b e g a n seem i n g t o o t r e n d y — s h e c o u l d n ' t e s c a p e t h e suspicion t h a t t h e majority of vibrators were still given as j o k e gifts at office good-bye parties. B u t why s h o u l d n ' t she at least try a toy of s o m e kind? S h e h a d g o t t e n rid of David, s h e was b e g i n n i n g h e r life afresh. S h e w e n t b a c k to h e r Cosmo, a v o i d i n g Patrick Swayze (who looked a little t h e worse for w e a r anyway), a n d f o u n d in t h e b a c k p a g e s a n a d for a c o m p a n y in S a n F r a n cisco, " w o m e n o w n e d a n d o p e r a t e d . " T h e y r u s h e d h e r a cata log, sensing h e r breathlessness, a n d a week a n d a half later t h e g o o d old U P S m a n was asking h e r to sign o n line 34 for a large white b o x t h a t M a r i a n e x p e c t e d to c o n t a i n f o u r h a n d - h e l d devices a n d a c o n t a i n e r of Astroglide. T h e U P S m a n , she n o t i c e d with relief, was, t h o u g h h a n d s o m e , n o t perfect—with a slight d o u b l e c h i n a n d a p l e a s a n t asymmetrical smile a n d a h i n t of David's incipiently stocky s h a p e . W h e n she o p e n e d t h e b o x , however, she discovered t h a t she h a d g o t t e n only t h r e e toys, n o t t h e full f o u r she h a d o r d e r e d . T h e r e was t h e startlingly realistic h a n d - p a i n t e d slightly curv i n g A r n o V a n D i l d e n Heavydick, with m o v a b l e balls a n d s u c t i o n - c u p base; t h e r e was t h e Swiss-made
TorqueMaja
D e s n u d a , with its twelve special " p o w e r - f r i g " t o r q u e settings; t h e r e was t h e m i x e r e s q u e O s t e r p l u g - i n coil m o d e l with its little c a b i n e t of a t t a c h m e n t s ; b u t she was m i s s i n g t h e fortydollar, four-foot-long, d o u b l e - h e a d e d Royal W e l s h Fusilier with d u a l slidable foreskins—it was o n b a c k o r d e r , to b e s h i p p e d in several days. At first M a r i a n was irritated, w a n t i n g 133
NICHOLSON
BAKER
to have all f o u r artifacts to try o n e after a n o t h e r , b u t t h e n she f o u n d t h a t t h e o n e s she h a d at h a n d were m o r e t h a n e n o u g h to get h e r t h r o u g h t h e n e x t forty-eight h o u r s . S h e b e c a m e especially f o n d of t h e f a s t - h u m m i n g a n d refreshingly u n p e n i l e Oster. S h e p i r a t e d t h e surge p r o t e c t o r from h e r n e glected P C a n d p l u g g e d it in below t h e p l u g from h e r washing m a c h i n e (safety first), a n d p l u g g e d t h e clit-knobbed O s t e r i n t o it, a n d , u s i n g it, c a m e with mystical intensity sitting n a k e d o n t h e cold lid of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e with t h e d o o r to t h e n e a r b y g a r a g e wide o p e n , l o o k i n g d o w n at h e r t r e m b l i n g titfat, as all h e r b r a s a n d u n d e r p a n t s s p u n a r o u n d in d a m p d a r k n e s s u n d e r n e a t h her. A n d w h e n t h e clock r a d i o woke h e r at six-thirty o n weekdays, she u n p l u g g e d it from its e x t e n s i o n c o r d a n d p l u g g e d in t h e O s t e r in its place, relishing t h e illu sion t h a t t i m e c o u l d b e s t o p p e d while she started t h e day right with a brisk coil-driven clasm. S h e t o o k a vacation day o n t h e day t h e b a c k - o r d e r e d vibra t o r was d u e to arrive. W h e n t h e U P S truck h a d n ' t shown by a l m o s t o n e o'clock a n d w h e n M a r i a n , already o n h e r third p a i r of u n d e r p a n t s , f o u n d herself h o l d i n g a m o t h e r - o f - p e a r l h a n d m i r r o r u p to o n e of h e r n i p p l e s a n d w a t c h i n g t h e au r e o l e get wrinkly b a c k w a r d a n d t h e n trying to p u s h h e r n i p p l e t h r o u g h a b u t t o n h o l e of h e r l i n e n shirt, she d e c i d e d it was t i m e to do s o m e t h i n g — t o m o w t h e lawn, which did n e e d m o w i n g . S h e c h a n g e d to a full loose gypsy skirt with n o t h i n g u n d e r n e a t h a n d a r i b b e d black camisole with n o b r a a n d drove t h e m o w e r o u t of t h e g a r a g e i n t o t h e yard with h e r freshly b a t t e r i e d V a n D i l d e n r e s t i n g in h e r lap. S h e h o p p e d off in t h e m i d d l e of t h e front yard, a n d in full view of t h e world ( t h o u g h t o o fast for a n y o n e to see really w h a t she was u p t o ) , with h e r b a c k to t h e r o a d , she licked t h e vibe's inch-and-ahalf s u c t i o n - c u p b a s e a n d stuck it firmly o n t h e seat of the 134
THE
FERMATA
idling g r e e n m a c h i n e a n d t u r n e d its little switch o n . S h e r e g a r d e d it t r e m b l i n g t h e r e o n t h e seat, this e n c h a n t i n g l y o b s c e n e b l u r r e d t u b e of realism s h a k e n s i m u l t a n e o u s l y by its internal m i n i - m o t o r a n d t h e m a c r o - m o t o r of t h e r i d e m , a n d h e r slype a c h e d to feel it p u s h h e r o p e n . S h e s l a p p e d it o n c e ; it flinched a little to t h e side b u t d i d n ' t u n s u c t i o n itself. S h e w a n t e d to m o w now; she w a n t e d t o m o w t h a t fucking lawn like she h a d never m o w e d it before. P l a n t i n g h e r feet o n t h e f l o o r b o a r d of t h e r i d e m , h o l d i n g o n to t h e steering wheel, she d e m u r e l y f l o u n c e d h e r skirt over t h e seat, a n d t h e n , a r c h i n g t h e small of h e r b a c k a n d closing h e r eyes, she slowly lowered herself u n t i l s h e felt t h e b u z z e d brainless h e a d of t h e V a n D i l d e n n u d g e i n t o h e r u n d e r t h i g h . She only h a d to readjust herself slightly, ticklish trickles moist e n i n g o p e n h e r self-aware slypelips, a n d s h e was ready to b e upfucked: s h e l o o k e d o u t smiling at t h e cars driving by a n d s t a m p e d o n t h e t h r o t t l e , a n d with a l o n g g r o a n t h a t was masked by t h e s u d d e n rev of t h e e n g i n e , h e r s l o p p i n g c u n t ness was forced b a c k a n d d o w n o n t h e full h a n d - p o u r e d width of t h e V a n Dilden. S h e sat heavily d o w n o n it a n d m o w e d a n d mowed, a n d as she m o w e d it was as if t h e w h o l e lawn was concertedly fucking her: every little h u m m o c k , every u n d u l a tion of turf, every t o u g h c l u m p of thistle stalk was t e l e g r a p h e d directly via h e r autodick-fitted ridem directly i n t o h e r b o g g l e d cervix, while all twelve p i s t o n i n g h o r s e p o w e r s a d d e d t h e i r internal c o m b u s t i o n s to t h e party as well. S h e w o r k e d t h e lawn for t e n m i n u t e s o r m o r e , risking a n u m b - o u t b u t successfully avoiding it, smiling a g a i n at t h e traffic b e c a u s e they c o u l d n ' t know t h e s u p r e m e full-pelvic c u n t f u c k i n g s h e was giving h e r self as she m o w e d . S h e was lowering h e r h e a d forward toward the steering wheel, j u s t o n t h e p o i n t of allowing herself to crooningly c o m e , w h e n she n o t i c e d t h e U P S t r u c k p u l l over to 135
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e side of t h e r o a d . T h e driver waved his c l i p b o a r d at h e r a n d walked u p with a l o n g o b l o n g b o x , stowing his sunglasses in his shirt p o c k e t . M a r i a n s t r a i g h t e n e d a n d tried to collect her self. T h e r e was n o way to t u r n t h e V a n D i l d e n off w i t h o u t p u l l i n g u p h e r skirt. S h e was covered with sweat. Above h u m a n h e a r i n g , h e r n i p p l e s were s c r e a m i n g for any knowl e d g e a b l e m o u t h . S h e signed w h e r e t h e U P S m a n p o i n t e d , line 27, h o p i n g t h e i d l i n g m o t o r w o u l d h u r r y h i m off, a n d h e a l m o s t h a n d e d h e r t h e b o x , a n d t h e n said s o m e t h i n g she couldn't hear. H e g e s t u r e d t o t h e front p o r c h questioningly with t h e box; M a r i a n n o d d e d . S h e w a t c h e d h i m j o g to t h e p o r c h . H e r a n like a c o a c h . S h e h a d n ' t n o t i c e d before t h a t his eyes were attractive; his helpful h e s i t a t i o n was q u i t e sexy w h e n she was a b l e to c o n t r a s t it with t h e idea of t h e m o l d e d t h i n g t h a t was fucking h e r right at t h a t m o m e n t . N o n e t h e l e s s , she w a n t e d h i m to drive off so t h a t she c o u l d finish m o w i n g . H e was halfway d o w n t h e slope to his truck w h e n h e s t o p p e d a n d c a m e b a c k with a "May I t r o u b l e you for some thing?" expression. "Yes?" she s h o u t e d . H e said s o m e t h i n g she c o u l d n ' t catch. Reluctantly she cut the mower engine. "Sorry—what?" " O h , y o u d i d n ' t have to t u r n t h a t off," h e said. " I was j u s t w o n d e r i n g if I c o u l d h o s e off m y h e a d . I ' m b u r n i n g u p . It m u s t b e over a h u n d r e d in t h e b a c k of t h e truck." Suddenly h e frowned. " Y o u h e a r t h a t ? " It was t h e vibrator. It felt so g o o d . S h e smiled a n d closed h e r eyes. " W h a t exactly d o you h e a r ? " "Is y o u r e n g i n e still o n ? " h e said. " I t ' s n o t h i n g , " said M a r i a n . " G o h o s e y o u r h e a d , by all m e a n s . T h e h o s e is right u p o n t h e side of t h e h o u s e . O h , 136
THE
FERMATA
d a m n — I h a d to t u r n off t h e water in t h e b a s e m e n t b e c a u s e it leaks." " N e v e r m i n d t h e n , t h a t ' s okay." H e was b a c k i n g away. H e did look u n c o m f o r t a b l y h o t . S h e liked t h e i d e a of his h o s i n g off his h e a d . "It w o n ' t take a s e c o n d to t u r n t h e w a t e r o n , j u s t let m e get off this t h i n g . " M a r i a n h e l d o u t h e r h a n d a n d h e steadyingly t o o k it. "Oof," she said. S h e lifted herself carefully off t h e V a n Dilden a n d d i s m o u n t e d from t h e m o w e r . T h e g l e a m i n g cocks h a p e c o n t i n u e d to buzz away trustify o n t h e slick, a n d in places even frothy, seat. " P a r d o n m e , " she said, waving dismissively at t h e sight. " I was j u s t e x p e r i m e n t i n g . " "Is t h a t . . . ?" h e said, slack-jawed, p o i n t i n g . " D i d I deliver t h a t t h e o t h e r day?" "You did. C o m e o n a n d I'll get t h e h o s e g o i n g . " "Wait." H e t o o k off his shirt a n d d r a p e d it over t h e d i l d o . " T h a n k s , " said M a r i a n . While t h e U P S m a n b e n t at t h e waist a n d s p l u t t e r e d a n d s n o r t e d in t h e cold hose-flow, M a r i a n o p e n e d t h e n e w b o x . T h e lean d o u b l e - h e a d e d l e n g t h of t h e Royal W e l s h Fusilier lay b e n t in half within. "Is it w h a t you w a n t e d ? " t h e U P S m a n i n q u i r e d , w i p i n g t h e water from his eyes. "If n o t , I c a n t a p e it u p for vou a n d s e n d it right b a c k n o w . " M a r i a n h e l d it u p a n d e x p e r i m e n t a l l y slid its two foreskins back. " N o , it's m o r e o r less w h a t I e x p e c t e d . " " W h a t d o you p l a n to d o with that? My n a m e ' s J o h n Westm a n , by t h e way." M a r i a n i n t r o d u c e d herself a n d they s h o o k h a n d s . S h e felt his eyes flicking over h e r n i p p l e s . "I k n o w w h a t I ' d like to d o , " she said, " b u t u n f o r t u n a t e l y I c a n ' t d o it o n m y n e w 137
ridem
NICHOLSON
BAKER
l a w n - m o w e r b e c a u s e w h a t I have in m i n d n e e d s a little m o r e privacy." "Well, w h a t a b o u t t h e b a c k of my t r u c k ? " " I was j u s t t h i n k i n g that. Y o u have to drive, t h o u g h . I ' m n o t g o i n g to have sex with you—is t h a t okay?" " S u r e , I guess. I ' m j u s t i n t r i g u e d . You've g o t t e n m e all intrigued." T o g e t h e r they retrieved his shirt a n d h e r V a n Dilden. "Lick this, will y o u ? " she said. H e licked t h e suction c u p a n d she affixed t h e dick to t h e m e t a l floor of his truck. Boxes were p i l e d h i g h o n wire shelves o n e i t h e r side of her. T h e r e was a n a r r o w o p e n i n g to t h e front seat. T h e U P S m a n got in t h e front a n d sat w a t c h i n g her. H e was s q u e e z i n g his crotch t h r o u g h his p a n t s . " N o , j u s t drive," she o r d e r e d , lifting h e r skirt a n d k n e e l i n g over t h e V a n D i l d e n . " F i n d a dirt r o a d a n d drive o n it. I want this t r u c k to b o u n c e . " "My p l e a s u r e , " h e said. S h e t u r n e d t h e v i b r a t o r o n to full a n d slid halfway d o w n o n it. W h i l e she s q u e e z e d Astroglide o n t h e two e n d s of t h e Fusilier, h e t u r n e d o n t o a dirt r o a d in low gear. T h e t r u c k r o c k e d a n d l u r c h e d . " O h , t h a t ' s it," she said, feeling herself filled with u n e x p e c t e d lateral UPS-truck fuckm o t i o n s . Already a c h i n g from h e r earlier mowing, she was i m p a t i e n t . " N o w s t o p for a second. I w a n t you to stick o n e e n d of this in my ass." S h e p u l l e d h e r skirt u p over h e r ass with o n e h a n d a n d l e a n e d forward a n d passed h i m t h e d o u b l e - h e a d e d vibrator. T h e h e a d of t h e V a n D i l d e n was still inside her. " S h o u l d I t u r n it o n ? " h e asked, e x a m i n i n g t h e little r e m o t e controller. "Yeah, I guess, b u t , m m m , t h e m a i n t h i n g is to stuff it in my ass right n o w . " H e t u r n e d it o n , u s i n g t h e little c o n t r o l box. 138
THE
FERMATA
T h e two b u z z i n g s were at slightly different p i t c h e s , wowing in a n d o u t of p h a s e . M a r i a n felt s o m e t h i n g h a r d p u s h a g a i n s t the m u s c l e of h e r ass. " T h a t ' s it," she said. S h e r e l a x e d a g a i n s t it a n d let its h e a d go in. " P u s h it a little further. Wow. N o w drive—oh fuck, j u s t drive this fucking t r u c k . " T h e U P S guy h o p p e d b a c k in his seat a n d p u t t h e t r u c k in gear. M a r i a n u n b e n t h e r knees a n d sat flatly d o w n o n t h e V a n Dilden with h e r legs e x t e n d e d in front of h e r . T h i s h a d t h e effect of p u s h i n g t h e Royal Welsh Fusilier d e e p e r i n t o h e r ass. It was like a fleshy tail. "I've got toys u p m y c u n t a n d u p my ass," she m o a n e d . T h e t r u c k started b u m p i n g a n d j o s t l i n g . She p u l l e d t h e l e n g t h of t h e Fusilier u p a g a i n s t h e r t a i l b o n e a n d b e n t it a r o u n d h e r h i p a n d f o u n d that, as she h a d h o p e d , t h e o t h e r e n d easily r e a c h e d h e r clit. S h e p u l l e d b a c k its "foreskin" a n d h e l d t h e slick s e c o n d h e a d a g a i n s t herself. " O h , fuck" she said, feeling all of h e r circuits s t a r t i n g to get busy. "Is t h a t a b o u t r i g h t ? " called t h e U P S m a n . H e was driving manfully from o n e gulley to t h e next, s t e e r i n g with o n e h a n d . His other, M a r i a n saw, was in a fist, p o u n d i n g u p a n d d o w n o n his surprisingly m e a t y c o r a l - g a b l e d cock. H i s b r o w n U P S p a n t s were a r o u n d his knees, t h e z i p p e r splayed o p e n a n d ready to rip. T h e dirt r o a d s l o p e d d o w n . " S t a r t i n g to feel n i c e , " called M a r i a n politely. T h e n h e r voice c h a n g e d to a c o m m a n d . "Nowpump
the brake. " S h e h e l d
the h e m of h e r skirt with h e r c h i n so t h a t she c o u l d look d o w n at h e r s p r e a d vadge. T h e r o a d was p o u n d i n g t h e V a n D i l d e n ' s c o c k s h a p e i n t o h e r s t i n g i n g cuntskin. S h e r e a c h e d b a c k a n d twisted t h e Fusilier in h e r ass. H e r clit l o o k e d as if it were ready to j u m p u p a n d p r o p o s e a toast to o l d friends; t h e o t h e r e n d of t h e d o u b l e - h e a d e r was sitting solidly to o n e side of it, talking in t h e fast, even, c o n f i d e n t n a s t y - r u m o r l a n g u a g e t h a t 139
NICHOLSON
BAKER
vibrators u s e with t h e i r clit-clients. S h e felt a g o r g e o u s h u g e t h i c k - m u s c l e d o r g a s m m o v i n g slowly u p h e r legs a n d f a n n i n g o u t toward all orifices. S h e s p a t h e r skirt o u t . " P u m p t h e b r a k e h a r d e r ! " she c o m m a n d e d a g a i n . " O h shit! O h God! T h a t ' s it. P u m p it. Brake, b r a k e , b r a k e . T h a t ' s it, like that. F U C K ME W I T H Y O U R T R U C K ! J A C K T H A T BIG U G L Y D I C K A N D F U C K MY ASS W I T H Y O U R T R U C K ! " T h e U P S m a n , his l e g p u s h i n g t h e b r a k e - p e d a l in r a p i d r h y t h m to t h e l o n g w h i t e - k n u c k l e d strokes of his fist, looked as if h e c o u l d n ' t h o l d back a n o t h e r second. T h e t r u c k l u r c h e d a n d rocked. A b o x from H a r r y a n d David's t u m b l e d over beside Mariaii. S h e g r u n t e d d o w n against h e r toys, feeling t h e m stretch h e r sex-holes to t h e p o i n t of p a i n . " N o w watch m e c o m e ! " she called to t h e front seat. " K e e p p u m p i n g the b r a k e a n d w a t c h this h o t little c u n t c o m e ! I'M C O M I N G ! AAAAAAAAH, fuck fuck fuck, c o m i n g , I'M C O M I N G ! " She p r e s s e d t h e silicone s n a k e - h e a d h a r d e r against h e r clit a n d let t h e truck-chassied o r g a s m b u m p a n d g r i n d t h r o u g h her. T h e U P S m a n h a d his h e a d c r a n k e d a r o u n d a n d was watch i n g h e r c r a m m e d c r o t c h , p o p - e y e d . H e m a d e a vowelly g r o a n a n d lifted his b u t t clear off t h e seat. " O h , h e r e it c o m e s ! " h e said. W i t h a final u p w a r d fist-stroke, his squat thick dick blew a u n i t e d p a r c e l of p e c k e r p a s t e all over t h e sleeve of his u n i form. " O o h , y e a h b a b e . O o h y e a h . " H e p u t t h e t r u c k in n e u t r a l a n d t h e two of t h e m c a u g h t t h e i r b r e a t h . M a r i a n s t o o d unsteadily, s m o o t h i n g h e r skirt. T h e Royal Welsh Fusilier fell o u t of h e r ass to t h e floor with a snakey t h u m p . T h e U P S m a n sighed happily. " T h e tightest s h i p in t h e s h i p p i n g b u s i n e s s , " h e said, s h a k i n g his h e a d . " T h a t ' s m e , " said M a r i a n . W h e n t h e b r a k e s h a d cooled, h e drove h e r h o m e . A n d for several m o n t h s afterward, w h e n e v e r J o h n t h e UPS m a n deliv140
THE
FERMATA
e r e d a white b o x a n d M a r i a n t h e l i b r a r i a n was at h o m e , h e h e l p e d h e r test o u t t h e sex toy t h a t it was c e r t a i n to c o n t a i n . W i t h o u t h i m , too, M a r i a n h a d large n u m b e r s of o u t d o o r gasms o n h e r ridem m o w e r , h e l p e d by several dilda, a n d w h e n she was d o n e m o w i n g a n d c o m i n g for t h e a f t e r n o o n , she often a r r a n g e d a towel in t h e s u n in t h e b a c k y a r d a n d lay t h e r e for a n h o u r o r two with h e r glasses folded n e a r h e r h a n d , s m e l l i n g the smell of c u t grass a n d gasoline a n d sex j u i c e o n h e r fingers.
141
10
A JL
J L S
A PIECE O F ROT THIS WAS, I KNOW, A SMIDGE
KEYED-UP
in places, b u t for a first a t t e m p t I felt it w o u l d d o . It was fun to write. B u t m u c h , m u c h m o r e fun was w a t c h i n g my s u n b a t h i n g c o m p a n i o n r e a d it. I h a d s p e n t so m u c h t i m e alongside h e r t h a t I felt she was a n old friend, a n d yet I h a d n o idea h o w she w o u l d react. I stared at h e r m o u t h t h r o u g h t h e b i n o c u l a r s . (She h a d p u t o n sunglasses.) Every line t h a t she r e a d was a p e r s o n a l t r i u m p h for m e ; every time she m o v e d to t h e n e x t p a g e I was in a b s o l u t e h e a v e n . T h i s was a p l e a s u r e t h e likes of w h i c h I h a d n o t known. Even before she started r e a d i n g , t h e sight of h e r p u l l i n g t h e b a g from t h e sand a n d u n d o i n g t h e silver twist-tie m a d e my h e a r t swat in all direc142
THE
FERMATA
tions, like t h e C o c o a Puffs r a b b i t . I w a n t e d h e r to b e h o l d i n g a n d r e a d i n g my h o m e - g r o w n s m u t so, so m u c h ! I so m u c h w a n t e d to have i n s p i r e d a feeling of q u i c k e n e d curiosity in her. T o have d o n e j u s t t h a t — t o have c r e a t e d a n e x p r e s s i o n of puzzled curiosity in t h e universe, w h e r e before t h e r e h a d b e e n only a w o m a n lying in a g r e e n b a t h i n g suit in t h e s u n o n t h e b e a c h , d i g g i n g in t h e sand. A n d — I wish I c o u l d w h i s p e r this for d r a m a t i c effect—she did get a little turned on—she did, she did. T h e first sign of it was w h e n she g l a n c e d a r o u n d to verify h e r d u n e - g r a s s e d isola tion a n d t h e n subtly lifted h e r u p p e r b o d y a little h i g h e r o n h e r elbows so t h a t h e r t i t s h a p e e l o n g a t e d , a n d t h e n w h e n they, h e r two l a g g a r d c h e r u b i m , were h o v e r i n g a l m o s t free of the e a r t h , she m o v e d h e r s h o u l d e r s so t h a t h e r n i p p l e - t i p s grazed lightly over t h e o p e n m e s h - l i n e d c u p s of h e r u n d o n e bikini t o p . I d e b a t e d s t o p p i n g t i m e to h o l d t h e m for a m o m e n t , b u t I d e c i d e d t h a t I w a n t e d to see h e r r e a c t i o n c o n t i n u ously, w i t h o u t i n t e r r u p t i o n . A little later, o n a b o u t t h e f o u r t h p a g e of my typescript, she s c r a t c h e d h e r leg for a l o n g time, a p p a r e n t l y f o r g e t t i n g t h a t she was scratching. I t o o k this as a g o o d sign, a sign of a b s o r p t i o n . T h e n she p u l l e d h e r c h i n in suddenly, surprised by s o m e t h i n g , a n d s h o o k h e r h e a d . S h e looked a r o u n d . She r e s u m e d r e a d i n g . Then it b e g a n : t h e r h y t h m i c a n t i p h o n a l t i g h t e n i n g of h e r b u t t - m u s c l e s b e g a n : first t h e left, t h e n t h e right, left right, left right, so t h a t h e r h e a r t - s h a p e d ass-curve systoled a n d diastoled b e f o r e m y eyes. I knew t h a t these m a r c h i n g c o n t r a c t i o n s were p u s h i n g h e r b u s h - b o n e h a r d i n t o t h e towel a n d i n t o t h e a c c o m m o d a t i n g sand u n d e r n e a t h , a n d t h e sight of this secret self-assertion got m e so h o t a n d frantic t h a t to work off t h e e n e r g y I h a d to d r o p t h e b i n o c u l a r s a n d p u s h u p my glasses a n d s p r i n t d o w n t h e l e n g t h of t h e b e a c h , s l a l o m i n g b a r e f o o t a r o u n d t h e h a l t e d 143
NICHOLSON
BAKER
family g r o u p s a n d single shell-musers a n d grizzled voyeurs. O n t h e way back, r u n n i n g m o r e slowly, I hesitated before a tall girl of sixteen o r seventeen in a b l u e maillot s t a n d i n g in a n i n c h of water, r e c o i l i n g from t h e cold, a n d I s t o p p e d for a s e c o n d , p a n t i n g , so t h a t I c o u l d slide h e r tight s h o u l d e r straps off a n d r e g a r d h e r white, hippy, sexily i m p e r f e c t b o d y with h e r suit t u r n e d inside o u t o n h e r legs. "You'll d o j u s t g r e a t , " I said to h e r as I suited h e r b a c k u p . T h e n I r e s u m e d my b i n o c u l a r station n e a r m y assive-aggressive r e a d e r a n d let myself calm d o w n . Strangely, I felt a little guilt t h a t I h a d b e e n unfaithful to h e r with t h e seventeen-year-old. S h e r e a d t h e e n t i r e story, a n d w h e n she finished she p u t it b a c k in t h e plastic b a g a n d twisted t h e twist-tie a r o u n d it a n d b u r i e d it in t h e s a n d w h e r e s h e ' d f o u n d it, m a r k i n g its exis t e n c e with t h r e e little shells. T h e n she r e a c h e d back a n d rec l a s p e d h e r t o p a n d t u r n e d over. I w a t c h e d h e r s t o m a c h rise a n d fall as she b r e a t h e d . I fancied t h a t she was b r e a t h i n g a little faster t h a n she w o u l d have b e e n if my words h a d n ' t j u s t g o n e t h r o u g h h e r m i n d . I was in h e r m i n d . T h e r e were things a b o u t w h a t she h a d r e a d t h a t she d i d n ' t like, o r t h a t s e e m e d d u m b to h e r , b u t even so it was w o r k i n g o n h e r a n d m a k i n g h e r w a n t to go home. S h e sat u p , p u t o n a loose faded shirt t h a t w e n t a l m o s t to h e r knees, u n p i n n e d h e r hair, a n d walked u p a p a t h to a set of newish c o n d o s o n o n e e n d of t h e b e a c h . I d i d t h e u s u a l business of p a u s i n g h e r as she u n l o c k e d t h e d o o r so t h a t I c o u l d slip p a s t h e r a n d h i d e s o m e w h e r e in h e r a p a r t m e n t . I h a t e h i d i n g in w o m e n ' s a p a r t m e n t s w h e n they a r e t h e r e , b e c a u s e I s u d d e n l y b e c o m e in d o i n g so a n i n t r u d e r , a n d all t h o s e awful h i d e r - i n - t h e - h o u s e movies inescapably c o m e to m i n d , a n d t h e m u s i c t h r e a t e n s to t u r n tritonally o m i n o u s . T h e last t h i n g in t h e world I w a n t is to b e seen as a threat. 144
THE
FERMATA
B u t happily, I ' m g o o d at r e m a i n i n g u n d e t e c t e d in close q u a r t e r s with a w o m a n . I have never yet scared a n y o n e . A n d this p a r t i c u l a r w o m a n ' s place was perfect, since it was all o p e n a n d loft-like, with a b e d r o o m s u p p o r t e d by c o l u m n s u p a spiral flight of stairs. I sat o n h e r b e d l i s t e n i n g intently to h e r p u t t e r i n g s below, a n d w h e n I h e a r d h e r steps o n t h e stairway, I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d went d o w n a n d p a s t h e r ( d u c k i n g u n d e r h e r a r m ) a n d sat o n a c h a i r in t h e k i t c h e n . T h e t o p s of m y ears were g e t t i n g a little sore from all t h e time-pervertive p u l l i n g a n d p u s h i n g o n my glasses, b u t it was a tiny p r i c e to pay. T h e water b e g a n r u n n i n g in t h e p i p e s , always a g o o d sign. I p u s h e d my t r i u n e c r o t c h - l u m p against t h e cool C o r i a n e d g e of t h e c o u n t e r t o p . Eventually I D r o p p e d a n d w e n t u p to see w h e t h e r it was t h e sink o r a shower o r a b a t h a n d f o u n d h e r b e n t over, n a k e d , r u m m a g i n g a r o u n d in t h e b a c k of a drawer, while t h e lower t a p filled h e r t u b . I s t u d i e d h e r profile for half a m i n u t e : she h a d a lively, s o m e w h a t t h i n face, oily from s u n s c r e e n , with a h i g h nose b r i d g e , a n o s e t h a t was m o r e i n t e l l i g e n t - s e e m i n g t h a n h e r eyes, if t h a t m a k e s sense. ( T h o u g h I have to b e careful a b o u t e v a l u a t i n g t h e intelligence of w o m e n ' s eyes in t h e Fold, since a p e r s o n ' s look varies so radically from i n s t a n t to instant, a n d I c o u l d j u s t b e c a t c h i n g h e r at a m o m e n t of unflattering i n a t t e n t i o n . ) T h e c o r n e r s of h e r m o u t h were tight as she r e a c h e d in h e r drawer. I c o u l d n ' t see w h a t h e r h a n d s were s e a r c h i n g for u n d e r h e r folded sweatshirts a n d leggings, b u t I h a d my h o p e s . J u s t before a w o m a n takes a b a t h , as t h e w a t e r is r u n n i n g , h e r n u d i t y s u d d e n l y releases all of its c h a r g e d ions of lewdness a n d b e c o m e s wholly artistique: she is n a k e d in o r d e r to b a t h e herself, a n d bathe is such a s m o o t h - s u r f a c e d , wide-voweled, m o d e s t w o r d t h a t you c a n a p p r e c i a t e t h e p a r t i c u l a r s of h e r 145
NICHOLSON
BAKER
b e a u t y w i t h o u t any of y o u r own erectile fierceness g e t t i n g in t h e way. S h e is s u d d e n l y a m o d e r n d a n c e r , a water-sprite, a w o o d - n y m p h , a naturist, h e r tits are n o t conceivably tits b u t breasts, a n d n o m a t t e r h o w funkily they are s h a p e d they a p p e a l to t h e lovingly appreciative Ansel A d a m s in us r a t h e r t h a n to t h e g r o p e r a n d p o c k e t - p o o l player. T h i s despite h e r manifest p r o t o s e x u a l c h a r m s , h e r softly d o m e y areolae, the M o o r i s h a r c h h e r ass m a d e in giving way effortlessly to h e r t h i g h s , all of w h i c h I was a b l e to review t h o r o u g h l y for t h e first t i m e with h e r u p a n d o n h e r feet. I d i d n ' t s p e n d t o o l o n g in t h a t early Fold, t h o u g h , e a g e r for h e r to get o n with h e r i n t e n t i o n , w h a t e v e r it m i g h t b e . I got o u t of sight a n d t u r n e d t i m e o n a n d distracted myself by r e a d i n g half a n article in Condé Nast Traveler o n a lake system in C a n a d a (my b a t h e r ' s n a m e , given o n t h e m a g a z i n e ' s address label, was Michelle H o f f m a n ) , a n d t h e n , w h e n I h e a r d t h e water stop, I checked in o n h e r a g a i n . H e r b a t h h a d b e g u n . H e r knees were above t h e surface of t h e water, t h e k n e e c a p s flat a n d s q u a r e , a n d t h e water was clear ( n o genitally i r r i t a t i n g b u b b l e b a t h for this w o m a n ) , a n d she h a d j u s t lifted o n e a r m , so t h a t l o n g p a l e - g r e e n streamers a n d trailers of w a t e r p o u r e d stilly off of it. H e r h a n d loosely h e l d a r e d w a s h c l o t h , soft with a s u r r o u n d of unfailing water. I c o u l d easily have knelt in t h e b a t h t u b with h e r a n d j a c k e d l o o k i n g at t h e way t h e riverine trails of w a t e r j o i n e d at h e r elbow a n d fell off her, a little like t h o s e festive t r i a n g u l a r vinyl flags h u n g a r o u n d u s e d - c a r lots. (Actually n o — t h e y d i d n ' t m a k e m e t h i n k of a used-car lot at all at t h a t m o m e n t ; they m a d e m e t h i n k of t h e way a w o m a n ' s u r i n e falls from b e t w e e n h e r legs, confusedly, in a s t e g o s a u r i a n fan of h a r d - t o - s o u r c e cockscomb-triangles. I u s e d to t h i n k t h a t t h e r e a s o n why w o m e n ' s u r i n a t i o n s o u n d e d 146
THE
FERMATA
so intricately different from m e n ' s h a d only to d o with t h e e n d - p o i n t s of this splayed outflow, since t h e r e were so m a n y s e p a r a t e p o i n t s of collision with toilet water, as o p p o s e d to t h e single focused p l u n g e of t h e c o n t i n u o u s m a l e s t r e a m — b u t the o t h e r day, listening to J o y c e p e e in t h e ladies' r o o m from the n e x t stall, I realized t h a t it isn't only that. T h e m o r e i m p o r t a n t difference is t h a t m a l e u r i n e makes no noise as it flies o u t of t h e p e n i s - k n o b , b e c a u s e it h a s b e c o m e , d u e to t h e i n o r d i n a t e l e n g t h of t h e m a l e u r e t h r a , a c o h e r e n t , laserlike flow. T h e only noise t h a t m e n m a k e , t h e n , is t h e n o i s e t h e i r d e p a r t e d u r i n e p r o d u c e s later, in colliding with w h a t e v e r tex t u r e a n d s u b s t a n c e it collides with. B u t w o m e n ' s u r e t h r a s a r e n o t stealthy. T h e y are short, since they are n o t n e e d e d to h e l p pulse o u t a c o m e s h o t (I i g n o r e t h e t o u c h y subject of fejaculation, o r ejillulation, h e r e ) ; t h e i r u r i n e wings excitedly o u t r a t h e r t h a n releasing itself in a single l a m i n a r c o l u m n , a n d this exit-spraying itself m a k e s a distinct noise, a likable, h i g h whistle-warble-hissing t h a t you c a n h e a r over t h e b r o a d c a s t of c o m p l e x t e r m i n a l splashings. " M a k i n g w a t e r " as a e u p h e m i s m applies m u c h b e t t e r to w h a t w o m e n d o t h a n w h a t m e n do.) B u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to c o m e yet with M i c h e l l e — I was c u r i o u s a b o u t w h e t h e r she h a d any sexual p l a n s herself. T o b e h o n e s t , my feelings h a d b e e n a little h u r t t h a t she h a d n o t b r o u g h t h o m e t h e story I h a d written for h e r to k e e p forever—al t h o u g h I c o n s o l e d myself by t h i n k i n g t h a t m a y b e she was j u s t b e i n g c o n s i d e r a t e in r e b u r y i n g it, n o t w a n t i n g to interfere with s o m e top-secret interlover dropoff. I d i d feel a little rejected, a n d I was h o p i n g to r e s t o r e m y c h e e r by w a t c h i n g h e r d o s o m e t h i n g all by herself t h a t w o u l d serve as real c o n crete p r o o f t h a t I h a d g o t t e n to h e r in a n actively crotchy sense. J u s t a b a t h was n o t e n o u g h . K n e e l i n g by t h e e d g e of t h e 147
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t u b , I s p o t t e d s o m e t h i n g d a r k in t h e water n e a r h e r feet. H e r toes were c u r l e d a r o u n d it. W h e n I p u t my h e a d very close to t h e surface of t h e lavishly c h l o r i n a t e d water, steadying myself o n o n e of h e r knees, I d e t e r m i n e d t h a t t h e object was, as I h a d of c o u r s e h o p e d b u t h a d n ' t really allowed myself to expect, a large black realistic r u b b e r dildo. S h e was b a t h i n g with h e r r u b b e r d i l d o — o h poetry! S h e was relaxing, letting h e r eyes close, n o t t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h a t s i n g l e - m i n d e d s u b m a r i n e cruis i n g a r o u n d o u t of sight, b e y o n d h e r b e n t knees, b u t b e c a u s e it was u n q u e s t i o n a b l y t h e r e in t h e water with her, it was work i n g u n d e r h e r t h o u g h t s a n d k e e p i n g h e r j u s t o n t h e e d g e of c o n s c i o u s a r o u s a l . It was t i m e to take s o m e c h a n c e s with her. I r e m o v e d all t h e clothes from t h e tall wicker l a u n d r y h a m p e r t h a t s t o o d u n d e r t h e b a t h r o o m window a n d piled t h e m o n h e r b e d a n d got inside t h e h a m p e r with a wrinkly dark-gray l i n e n shirt of h e r s tied loosely over my face; t h o u g h I was in s o m e t h i n g of a fetal position, a n d t h o u g h I c o u l d n o t see all t h a t well t h r o u g h t h e linen, I c o u l d at least get s o m e n o t i o n of w h a t was g o i n g o n as she p r o c e e d e d with h e r b a t h . I used m y glasses to Unfold; at o n c e h e r h a n d t i g h t e n e d o n t h e r e d w a s h c l o t h a n d lots of w a t e r fell a l o n g h e r a r m . T h e n n o t h i n g m u c h h a p p e n e d for a l o n g time. S h e wiped b e a d s of sweat off h e r f o r e h e a d with t h e w a s h c l o t h several times, a n d she sighed a total of t h r e e l o n g sighs. T h e r e were splashes whose n a t u r e I c o u l d n ' t d e t e r m i n e . S h e shaved h e r legs for a while. She r a n s o m e m o r e h o t w a t e r a n d stirred it a r o u n d . O n c e o r twice she w h i s p e r e d a l o u d , g o i n g over f r a g m e n t s of r e m e m b e r e d con versation, as far as I c o u l d tell. S h e d i d w h a t looked to b e a set of leg lifts. W h e n t h e p a i n in my knees b e c a m e too a c u t e I D r o p p e d , c l i m b e d o u t , a n d t o o k a b r e a k downstairs, finishing t h e article o n t h e C a n a d i a n lakes. I s a n g t h e Beatles s o n g " H e r e , T h e r e a n d Everywhere," walking a r o u n d in h e r living 148
THE
FERMATA
r o o m . I left my clothes in a little m o u n d o n h e r coffee table a n d went back upstairs a n d stuffed myself b a c k in h e r h a m p e r with t h e linen shirt over my h e a d ; I knew g o o d t h i n g s were g o i n g to h a p p e n . After t e n o r fifteen m i n u t e s she stood, let t i n g t h e water p o u r off her, a n d toweled herself. I was o n alert to p u s h u p my glasses at any s e c o n d if she d e c i d e d to t h r o w t h e towel into t h e h a m p e r , b u t she d i d n ' t . After she d r i e d h e r hair, she p u t t h e towel a r o u n d h e r s h o u l d e r s , a n d t h e n she p l a n t e d h e r h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e b a t h t u b a n d knelt with o n e leg in t h e b a t h w a t e r a n d o n e o u t s i d e o n t h e floor. " O o h that's so cold," she said, w h e n h e r v a d g e t o u c h e d t h e r o u n d e d e d g e of t h e t u b . I was too c r u m p l e d in t h e h a m p e r even to t h i n k of d o i n g a n y t h i n g physical with my
richard,
b u t all I w a n t e d in any
event was t h e sight I was seeing; t h e sight of h e r l e a n i n g forward o n h e r h a n d s a n d r o c k i n g t h e weight of h e r h i p s down against t h e e d g e of t h e t u b . " W h e r e is t h a t c o c k ? " she said. " I w a n t to see t h a t cock." S h e fished a r o u n d in t h e water a n d p u l l e d o u t t h e d i l d o a n d l o o k e d at it. S h e d i p p e d it several times in t h e water a n d p u l l e d it o u t , s h a k i n g it e a c h t i m e , evidently liking t h e way it glistened. T h e n she w o r k e d herself d o w n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d s u c t i o n e d t h e b l a c k dick o n t o the tiled shower wall at a b o u t h e r eye level. S h e m o v e d h e r face over it, kissing it in t h e m o s t wonderfully fetishistic way, a n d b i t i n g o n it. "You like w h e n I suck t h a t b i g dick, d o n ' t y o u ? " she said. S h e p u t two fingers d o w n o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d r o c k e d forward o n t h e m , so t h a t h e r clit was strad dled. S h e let t h e h e a d of t h e r u b b e r d i c k pass over h e r closed eyelids, a n d t h e n she s t o o d u p a little, o n e l e g still in t h e b a t h t u b a n d o n e out, a n d stroked h e r slit very fast while she circled t h e w a l l - m o u n t e d dick with h e r n i p p l e s . W h e n she h a d s t r a i g h t e n e d h e r legs completely, she was a b l e to l e a n herself 149
NICHOLSON
BAKER
against t h e tile wall with t h e r u b b e r d i c k b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d m o v e its resilience over h e r clit-lump. H e r f o r e h e a d a n d n i p ples t o u c h e d t h e cold g r e e n tile. S h e kissed t h e towel o n h e r s h o u l d e r s o n c e . I was d y i n g with visual h a p p i n e s s . "You w a n t this ass?" she asked t h e dildo a n d s e e m e d to get a n affirmative answer, for she t u r n e d away from it with h e r h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b , wiggling h e r ass back a n d forth in front of it. T h e s u c t i o n base lost suction a n d t h e cock fell s u d d e n l y o n t o a scallop-shell s o a p dish. "Aw, did I shock you, h o n e y ? " she said. " A m I g o i n g t o o fast for y o u ? " S h e d i p p e d it in t h e b a t h w a t e r again, s h o o k it off, a n d , s t r a d d l i n g t h e t u b , stuck it b a c k o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d sucked it. "See how easy it is to get y o u h a r d a g a i n ? " she said. S h e stood over it, p u l l i n g u p o n h e r p u b i c h a i r so t h a t she c o u l d see h e r clit, a n d she said to t h e d i l d o , "You ready to fuck this nice clean cunt? B e c a u s e I s u r e a m ready for you. I b e t you are. Are you b i g a n d stiff e n o u g h to fill this h u n g r y c u n t ? " S h e b e n t h e r knees until its r u b b e r h e a d f o u n d her, a n d t h e n she sat d o w n h a r d o n it. S h e fucked it b o u n c i n g l y for a little while a n d t h e n got off of it a n d w e n t to get a m i r r o r a n d p r o p p e d it u p so she c o u l d watch h e r r u b b e r m a n g o i n g in a n d o u t . She fucked it s o m e m o r e . I n t h e h a z e of t h e shirt of hers t h a t I was w e a r i n g I w a t c h e d h e r finger o r b i t h e r clit-folds u n t i l I was ready to w e e p at t h e lyricism of it. Was Michelle this nasty o n a r e g u l a r basis? M a y b e n o t . S h e ' d really h a d to g r o p e to find t h e dildo in h e r dresser i n t h e first place. T h i s was n o t a n everyday sort of a u t o f u c k for her, I d i d n ' t think. My UPS truck m i g h t have h a d s o m e t h i n g to d o with it. I k e p t perfectly still, hardly b r e a t h i n g , while she c a m e closer a n d closer to c o m i n g . S h e w o u l d stop s u d d e n l y j u s t before she c a m e , fucking slowly u p a n d d o w n o n t h e dildo s o m e m o r e , t h e n frigging for a while. S h e started m a k i n g s o m e incredible 150
THE
FERMATA
c l e n c h e d - t e e t h noises, followed by p h e a s a n t y s o u n d s so su p e r b t h a t I was surprised I h a d b e e n a b l e to live w i t h o u t t h e m . H e r little finger w e n t i n t o h e r asshole a n d she s q u i n t e d , cleared for takeoff. S h e s t a r t e d saying, " O h fuck this c u n t , baby, fuck it, fuck this c u n t , " over a n d over. T h e n h e r face w r e n c h e d itself i n t o a s q u i n t i n g a c c e l e r a t e d g r i m a c e a n d I p u s h e d u p o n my glasses, s t o p p i n g h e r right in t h e m i d d l e of her dildorgasm. I c l i m b e d o u t of t h e h a m p e r , very slowly b e c a u s e I was stiff. I studied h e r climax-face from every a n g l e , trying to r e c o r d its transient extremity in my m e m o r y . I h e l d h e r perky little finger, which was still h o o k e d in h e r a n e . I rested my e a r o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a b o u t t h r e e i n c h e s from h e r o p e n b o a t a n d stared at t h e finger t h a t was b e s t i r r i n g itself a r o u n d h e r b r i g h t - p i n k p u m p e d - u p nerve; a n d b e y o n d it at t h e very soft i n n e r skin s t r e t c h e d tight a r o u n d m y fellow A m e r i c a n , m y fellow r u b b e r h i d e r - i n - h e r - h o u s e . I loved w h a t I saw. I licked h e r knuckles; I t a p p e d m y dick against h e r breasts to see h o w they quivered; I s t r a d d l e d t h e t u b j u s t as she was s t r a d d l i n g it, facing her, a n d b e a t my richard savagely u n t i l I was a l m o s t there. W h e n I was ready I s t o o d a n d said, " L e t m e b e t h e r e with you, honey, y o u ' r e so sexy, please let m e c o m e o n y o u r face," in a s t r a n g e a l m o s t s i n g s o n g p l e a d i n g voice, a n d with o u t waiting for a n answer from h e r I let all of my b u r n i n g b e c h a m e l j u m p o u t o n t o h e r tightly closed eyes, u n a b l e to resist d o i n g so even t h o u g h I knew t h a t I w o u l d p r o b a b l y r e g r e t it a f t e r w a r d — n o t least b e c a u s e it w o u l d b e so m u c h t r o u b l e to get all of it off h e r eyelashes a n d eyebrows. W h e n I was d o n e I sat d o w n o n t h e t u b for a s e c o n d to rest. " T h a n k y o u , " I said. I wasn't crazy a b o u t t h e way m y c o m e l o o k e d o n h e r closed eyes, b u t t h e b e a u t y of h e r ecstatic e x p r e s s i o n survived it; in fact t h e existence of t h e o u t c o m e of my o r g a s m 1 5 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o n h e r still-coming face s e e m e d entirely irrelevant, as it s h o u l d have. I t u r n e d t i m e o n for t h e tiniest fraction of a s e c o n d , so t h a t she w o u l d have a tactile flash of t h e sensation of liquid w a r m t h , in case it w o u l d a d d a novel t o u c h to h e r clasm, a n d t h e n I s p e n t a g o o d t e n m i n u t e s t a m p i n g a n d gently r i n s i n g every sign of my s p e r m off of her. I p u t h e r dirty clothes b a c k in h e r h a m p e r . I took a last look a r o u n d to b e s u r e I h a d left everything in o r d e r . I stood b e h i n d h e r a n d flashed t i m e o n a g a i n for a s e c o n d o r two to b e sure that, p o s t - o r g a s m , she d i d n ' t suspect t h a t she h a d h a d c o m p a n y , a n d w h e n I was c o n v i n c e d t h a t she felt safe a n d unviolated I w e n t downstairs a n d got dressed a n d let myself quietly o u t . It h a d n ' t really h a p p e n e d . I i n t e n d e d to leave my U P S story b u r i e d in t h e s a n d w h e r e she h a d m a r k e d it with t h r e e shells, in case she w a n t e d it at s o m e f u t u r e d a t e , b u t as I m o u n t e d my b o r r o w e d motorcycle, vanity o v e r c a m e m e a n d I h u s t l e d back to d i g it u p . T h e n , still in t h e Fold, I d r o v e slowly h o m e . I k e p t t h i n k i n g of Michelle's b a t h as I cruised d o w n t h e s h o u l d e r of R o u t e 3; I ardently wished I h a d a p i c t u r e of Michelle's come-face (before I h a d c o m e o n it myself, I m e a n ) : it was t h e k i n d of sight t h a t c o u l d e n h a n c e y o u r life for a d e c a d e . Sadly, P o l a r o i d pictures taken in t h e F o l d d o n ' t d e v e l o p p r o p e r l y — I know b e c a u s e I've tried. T h e r e was a w o m a n in a n a i r p l a n e b a t h r o o m o n c e : I saw h e r flipping t h r o u g h a Playboy "Girls of S u m m e r " issue at t h e a i r p o r t gift s h o p a n d t h e n k e p t tabs o n h e r in t h e p l a n e , a n d w h e n s h e w e n t t o t h e b a t h r o o m I knew she w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e c o m i n g a n d I D r o p p e d a n d got a key from a p o c k e t of o n e of t h e flight a t t e n d a n t s a n d o p e n e d t h e d o o r a n d f o u n d h e r with o n e h e e l in t h e steel sink a n d t h e o t h e r p r o p p e d in t h e air w h e r e t h e d o o r h a d b e e n , c o m i n g stunningly, a n d I b o r r o w e d a passenger's Polaroid and took her picture, but through 152
THE
FERMATA
s o m e oddity of Fold-chemistry t h a t I will n e v e r u n d e r s t a n d , t h e g r e e n s a p p e a r e d only very faintly, a n d t h e o r a n g e s a n d reds did n o t show u p at all, so my o w n visual m e m o r y was all I h a d . It surprises m e , incidentally, t h a t n o b o d y h a s l a u n c h e d a m e n ' s m a g a z i n e called O-Shots, d e v o t e d exclusively to closeu p p h o t o g r a p h s of w o m e n ' s faces in t h e m i d s t of o r g a s m . At t h e e n d of e a c h p h o t o layout w o u l d b e a little official-looking certificate of authenticity, s i g n e d by t h e m o d e l , t h a t said, " I hereby certify a n d swear t h a t I d i d r e a c h o n e o r m o r e female o r g a s m s d u r i n g t h e p h o t o s h o o t h e r e i n p i c t u r e d a n d t h a t my expressions are n e i t h e r fiction n o r semifiction b u t a r e t h e true, u n s i m u l a t e d result of my o w n p l e a s u r e a n d a m u s e m e n t . " I w o u l d subscribe. O r p e r h a p s a n O - s h o t c a l e n d a r — the M a r c h orgasm-face, t h e N o v e m b e r orgasm-face? T h e guy whose motorcycle I h a d b o r r o w e d was sitting sul lenly against a tree n e a r w h e r e I h a d d i s m o u n t e d h i m . T h e n o t e t h a t I h a d p i n n e d to his leg was c r u m p l e d in his h a n d ; it said, / have borrowed your bike. Wait here and I will return it to you shortly. Sensibly, h e h a d waited, b u t h e w a s n ' t h a p p y a b o u t it. I p a r k e d t h e bike in front of h i m a n d walked h o m e a n d lay d o w n o n t h e grass. I t o o k off my glasses a n d r u b b e d m y eyes. T i m e t u r n e d b a c k o n everywhere. I was e x h a u s t e d . T h e total elapsed Strine-time h a d b e e n a l m o s t eleven h o u r s ; e l a p s e d real time, a little over two h o u r s . I n t h e s p a c e of a single " d a y " I h a d b e c o m e a modestly successful a m a t e u r p o r n o g r a p h e r . " R o t m a k e s life," I sighed h a p p i l y to myself, t h i n k i n g of lonely old H e n r y J a m e s , a n d t h e n I d o z e d for a while o n t h e b l u e striped towel.
153
/0\
II
J
A'F G O T T E N
INTO A NEW AND
BETTER WORK
RHYTHM.
I
NOW
s p e n d every o t h e r twenty-four-hour p e r i o d in Fold-furled iso lation. I wake u p at seven-thirty, a n d if it's g o i n g to b e a Fold day I thick-fingeredly s n a p t i m e off, shake my watch to u n freeze it, a n d s p e n d t h e w h o l e n e x t twenty-four h o u r s en closed within t h e q u i e s c e n t seven-thirtyness of my r o o m , w o r k i n g o n this b o o k . I have w e a n e d myself from h i g h - v o l u m e e a r b u d s ; I c a n t h i n k n o w w i t h o u t h e a r i n g music o n t h e radio. Rarely, I take s h o r t walks. I e a t l u n c h a n d d i n n e r a n d go to b e d exactly as I w o u l d were t i m e in effect, a n d yet I have a w h o l e stilled writing day f u n d e d with e a r l y - m o r n i n g qualities of light t h a t h e l p m e c o n c e n t r a t e . After a " n i g h t ' s " sleep, I 154
THE
FERMATA
wake t h e world with a s e c o n d s n a p a n d have a s h o w e r a n d g o to my c o n t i n u i n g t e m p a s s i g n m e n t at MassBank. It is n o t s u c h a g o o d t h i n g for m e to b e s p e n d i n g half m y life in t h e Fold, d o u b l i n g my r a t e of aging, b u t I only p l a n to k e e p u p this a l t e r n a t i n g s c h e d u l e u n t i l I finish a little m o r e of m y a u t o b i o g r a p h y . A n u n e x p e c t e d benefit of t h e r e g i m e n is t h a t real life, t h e life I s p e n d in time's flow, feels n o t u n p l e a s a n t l y e l o n g a t e d , as if I were t e n years old again; m y privately inter p o l a t e d "yesterdays" p u s h real events of only two o r t h r e e days ago into t h e m i d d l e - d i s t a n t past. A m I a n a l i e n a t e d p e r s o n ? S o m e w h o have r e a d this far m i g h t say s o — s o m e m i g h t say t h a t a m a n w h o c o m e s o n t o a n u n k n o w n w o m a n ' s ecstatically s q u i n t i n g orgasm-face w i t h o u t h e r b e i n g aware of it is definitely a n a l i e n a t e d p e r s o n — o r worse. A n d t e m p s are p r i m a facie a l i e n a t e d by virtue of t h e i r vocational rootlessness. B u t I d o n ' t see t h a t nasal, sociologi c a l - s o u n d i n g w o r d a p p l y i n g in any useful way to m e . I get a l o n g well with p e o p l e . I h a v e n ' t p e r h a p s d o n e s u c h a g o o d j o b of establishing m y sanity in this sketch of my life, since I have h a d to c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e e p i s o d e s of t e m p o r a l distor tion t h a t m a k e my e x p e r i e n c e u n i q u e , a n d they a l m o s t always e m b r a c e t h e c o n t r o l l e d m e n t a l d i s o r d e r k n o w n as sexual arousal, b u t I ' m n o t by any m e a n s a crazy p e r s o n . I d o n ' t have a flat affect. I ' m friendly a n d likable. I g o o u t o n t h e occa sional d a t e . I have several m a l e friends, even. I have h a d l o n g - t e r m r e l a t i o n s h i p s with t h r e e w o m e n , R h o d y b e i n g t h e most recent. T h e only m a j o r difference b e t w e e n m e a n d any n u m b e r of residents of t h e g r e a t e r B o s t o n a r e a is t h a t I have b e e n able to invent a n d m a k e u s e of several sorts of c h r o n o clutch. N o , t h e r e is a difference, I think: I ' m a r r o g a n t e n o u g h to believe, at least to believe s o m e t i m e s , t h a t t h e r e a s o n t h a t / have b e e n c h o s e n over any o t h e r c o n t e m p o r a r y h u m a n to 155
NICHOLSON
BAKER
receive a n d d e v e l o p this c h r o n a n i s t i c ability (if t h e r e is i n d e e d s o m e s u p e r n a t u r a l t e m p agency d o i n g t h e c h o o s i n g ) is may b e t h a t I can b e t r u s t e d with i t — t r u s t e d at least n o t to d o any real h a r m . M o r a l s d e p e n d in p a r t o n c o n s e q u e n c e ; con s e q u e n c e o n t i m e ; a n d since my amoralities
flourish
and
e x p i r e entirely in m o m e n t a r y pico-states of timeless inconse q u e n c e , t h e u s u a l rules j u s t d o n ' t have t h e s a m e prohibitive force. N o b o d y else s h o u l d b e entitled to take off w o m e n ' s clothes at will, at t h e s n a p of a finger o r t h e flip of a switch, b u t I t h i n k I s h o u l d b e , b e c a u s e , for o n e t h i n g , my curiosity has m o r e love a n d t o l e r a n c e in it t h a n o t h e r m e n ' s does. Before R h o d y b r o k e u p with m e , she o n c e told m e t h a t t h e a t t r a c t i o n to h a v i n g a n affair with a p a i n t e r (a figurative p a i n t e r , she m e a n t ) was t h e possibility t h a t h e w o u l d really see h e r a n d k n o w all t h a t was to b e k n o w n a b o u t t h e s h a p e of h e r b o d y — w h e n she u n d r e s s e d for h i m t h e r e w o u l d b e a thrilling c o m p l e t e n e s s to h e r u n d r e s s i n g . T o n o b o d y else w o u l d h e r physical self m e a n as m u c h as it m e a n t to his eye, a n d so h e r o w n n u d i t y w o u l d feel sexier with h i m t h a n with a n y o n e else. I ' m n o t a p a i n t e r , I ' m only a t e m p a n d a n occa sional creative r o t t e r , a n d yet I d o c o n t e n d t h a t w h e n I strip a p a s s i n g w o m a n o n t h e street b e c a u s e h e r face o r b o d y calls o u t to m e , I see m o r e in h e r t h a n o t h e r s d o . O f c o u r s e t h e r e is plenty of self-deception possible h e r e . B u t I c a n truthfully say t h a t I ' m never d i s a p p o i n t e d , n e v e r — I ' m never able to feel a n y t h i n g b u t love a n d g r a t i t u d e toward a w o m a n w h e n I secretly take off h e r clothes. Say t h e r e is a low c e s a r e a n scar t h a t n o b o d y b u t h e r h u s b a n d h a s seen at close r a n g e . Say t h e r e is s o m e p a r t of h e r b o d y t h a t I will see t h a t she isn't very p r o u d of. I n s e e i n g it, I feel t h e g o o d n e s s in m e blos som—I
k n o w t h a t she w o u l d b e e m b a r r a s s e d a b o u t
my
h a v i n g seen this feature, whatever it is, a n d I t u r n t h e knowl156
THE
FERMATA
e d g e of h e r i m p u t e d e m b a r r a s s m e n t i n t o a n u p w e l l i n g of affection for h e r a n d h e r vulnerabilities. I w o u l d c o n d e m n in t h e strongest t e r m s a n y o n e else w h o did w h a t I have d o n e . B u t t h e t h i n g is, I d i d it, / d i d it, a n d I know myself, I k n o w t h a t I m e a n n o h a r m , I m e a n well. I want simply to know w h a t every w o m a n looks like a n d feels like. I m e a n only to a p p r e c i a t e w h a t t h e ribs of a c o m p l e t e s t r a n g e r feel like u n d e r my h a n d s , o r to h o l d s o m e h a i r I h a v e n ' t h e l d before, o r to c o m e in s o m e o n e ' s face while she is p a u s e d in h e r own o r g a s m . A n d since in t h e F e r m a t a I h a p p e n to b e able to act o n these wants w i t h o u t t r o u b l i n g her—without shaming or frightening her or
interrupting
what she is d o i n g o r t h i n k i n g , simply by s t o p p i n g t h e e n t i r e known universe for a few m i n u t e s o r h o u r s , I feel t h a t w h a t I ' m d o i n g isn't w r o n g e n o u g h for m e to override m y irresist ible desire to d o it. I n fact, m a y b e w h a t I ' m d o i n g is straight forwardly r i g h t a n d good! I n e v e r ogle o r leer o n sidewalks. T h e Fold has p e r m i t t e d m e to perfect m y s u r r e p t i t i o u s n e s s . Maybe every single w o m a n I have s t r i p p e d , if she knew m e , if she c o u l d know n o w w h a t my t h o u g h t s h a d b e e n as I u n z i p p e d h e r dress a n d u n d i d h e r bra, w o u l d w a n t m e to have s t r i p p e d h e r a n d sucked h e r breasts a n d u n d e r s t o o d h e r b o d y as it truly deserved to b e u n d e r s t o o d . Rhody, however, d i d n ' t view it t h a t way. W h e n I tried t h e idea o u t o n h e r ( o n t h e p l a n e h o m e from o u r b e a c h vaca t i o n ) , she was i n t e r e s t e d at first, a n d t h e n l a t e r she t u r n e d against it, u s i n g awful a n d , in my o p i n i o n , off-base w o r d s like " n e c r o p h i l i a " to c h a r a c t e r i z e it. L e t m e say t h a t I a m n o t a n e c r o p h i l e . T h e n o t i o n has n o a p p e a l . Liaisons a m o n g t h e u n d e a d are fashionable, b u t I d o n ' t have a d r o p of v a m p i r i c b l o o d in m e . (I did, however, o n c e p u t a p a i r of " n i p p l e n o o s e s " o n t h e f a m o u s A n n e Rice at B a r n e s & N o b l e s o m e 157
NICHOLSON
BAKER
years a g o , w h e n I was at t h e h e i g h t of my m e c h a n i c a l - p e n c i l F o l d - p h a s e . I clicked t i m e o n for a m i n u t e o r two so she would have a c h a n c e to feel t h e m while she signed my copy of h e r b o o k , w h i c h was g o i n g to b e a b i r t h d a y p r e s e n t for somebody. T h e n I r e m o v e d t h e m . If she n o t i c e d a n y t h i n g , she was ex tremely cool a b o u t it a n d d i d n ' t let on.) T h e F e r m a t a allows s o m e t h i n g to o c c u r t h a t is t h e exact o p p o s i t e of t h e n e c r o philic ideal: it allows m e e n o u g h t i m e to take in a p a r t i c u l a r lived s e c o n d of o n e w o m a n ' s life, t h e i n c r e m e n t a l o u t c o m e of so m a n y decisions a n d m i s f o r t u n e s a n d delights a n d griefs, while she is in t h e very m i d s t of fleetingly b r i n g i n g it i n t o b e i n g . T h e ability to investigate all aspects of h e r careless aliveness, w h e r e h e r clothes stretch, h e r body's textures, h e r e x p r e s s i o n , h e r smells, t h e way she h a p p e n s to b e s t a n d i n g o r m o v i n g , as they a r e fused in a single total i n s t a n t a n e o u s fe m a l e delta-self, is t h e g r e a t l u r e of t h e Fold. T h e Fold allows m e to d o sexual j u s t i c e to times w h e n she is fully conscious, b u t n o t in t h e least self-conscious; "stalls," H o p k i n s m i g h t have called t h e m , in t h e daily fluidity of h e r life whose specific c o m p l e x of qualities w o u l d have otherwise g o n e u n s e e n by a n y o n e — u n p h o t o g r a p h e d , u n c e l e b r a t e d , u n v a l u e d , unloved. It is t h e i r r a n d o m n e s s a n d , often, t h e i r very lack of overt sexiness t h a t m a k e s t h e s e instants so erotically precious. My sense of sight is infinitely a n d lovingly p r o m i s c u o u s , a n d e a c h t i m e I D r o p I g e t a n o t h e r c h a n c e to love a c h o s e n b o d y as it really is: to see a w o m a n ' s ass, for e x a m p l e , w h e n its ownero p e r a t o r is t a l k i n g at a p a y - p h o n e a n d t h i n k i n g a b o u t o t h e r t h i n g s t h a n t h e fact t h a t she h a s a n ass, a n d h e r ass c a n t h e r e f o r e b e c o m p l e t e l y itself. (For example, once I noticed a w o m a n washing the long stretch of glass in front of t h e freezer-counter in t h e ice c r e a m p l a c e w h e r e she worked, in a m a l l — s h e w o r k e d t h e cloth so 158
THE
FERMATA
vigorously over t h e glass t h a t h e r ass circled u n r e s t r a i n e d l y clockwise to c o u n t e r b a l a n c e h e r h a r d work. S h e was w e a r i n g extremely tight stretchy j e a n s of a sort I c a n ' t fully u n d e r s t a n d b u t can forgive, a n d I w r o t e o u t t h e e q u a t i o n I u s e d b a c k t h e n to get into the F o l d — a n e q u a t i o n a d a p t e d from o n e I saw in a j o u r n a i of m a t h e m a t i c s — a n d I p u l l e d h e r p a n t s d o w n a n d c a m e into a s u g a r c o n e s t a r i n g at t h e cleavage of h e r ass. B u t I see now t h a t this isn't in fact a g o o d e x a m p l e of m y a p preciating a n ass while it is unselfconsciously itself, since t h e reason I was a t t r a c t e d to h e r was t h a t I h a d b e e n o b s e r v i n g h e r for a few m i n u t e s b e f o r e h a n d , as she served a c u s t o m e r , a n d I h a d sensed h o w relatively u n p r o u d of h e r face a n d u p p e r body she was, a n d h o w c e r t a i n she was t h a t h e r ass was h e r best feature, a n d h o w m u c h t h e r e f o r e she h a d wanted to wash t h e glass boldly in front of h e r store, t h o u g h it was q u i t e clean, with h e r b a c k to all t h e mall-boys. As t h e i r r e p r e s e n t a t i v e , o n their behalf, I came.) T h e p o i n t is, in any case, t h a t I c o u l d n e v e r get i n t e r e s t e d in a w o m a n w h o was passed o u t d r u n k , o r was sedated, in a c o m a , o r d e a d ; for t h e n she is u n c o n s c i o u s of m e , a n d w h a t I want is to b e with h e r w h e n she w o u l d b e c o n s c i o u s of m e b u t for t h e fact t h a t I have interjected myself i n t o a c h i n k of h e r day so infinitesimally brief t h a t she c a n ' t k n o w t h a t I have come and gone. T h e way t h e discussion c a m e u p with R h o d y was t h a t she a n n o u n c e d , o n t h e p l a n e , a p r o p o s of tiny L a t i n o swimsuits, that m o r e a n d m o r e she was i n t e r e s t e d in s e e i n g n a k e d m e n a n d their penises. She said she liked t h e i d e a of
semis—by
which she m e a n t penises t h a t w e r e n ' t totally h a r d , since a h a r d straight line was u n b e a u t i f u l against t h e h u m a n body, n o r totally soft a n d wrinkly either, b u t r a t h e r loungingly, curvingly full a n d interested a n d ready to b e teased straight—like 159
NICHOLSON
BAKER
(she e x p l a i n e d ) J i m m y Cliff's p e n i s in The Harder They Come. I got a n i m a t e d , b e c a u s e I love talking a b o u t sex, a n d I i m p u l sively d e c i d e d t h a t this was t h e right m o m e n t to b e g i n to confess m y F o l d history to her, c o u c h i n g it first as a hypotheti cal case. All r i g h t t h e n , I said to h e r , w h a t did she t h i n k of t h e i d e a of s o m e sort of c h o r d o n t h e p i a n o t h a t whenever you played it, s t o p p e d time? Say back w h e n she was at Tufts, h e r p i a n o t e a c h e r ( s o m e o n e o n w h o m s h e ' d told m e s h e ' d h a d a c r u s h ) h a d b e e n w o r k i n g o n a conclusive e d i t i o n of a piece called Map,
by a o n c e f o r g o t t e n b u t n o w increasingly re
spected twentieth-century composer n a m e d Mascon Albedo. Say that, in c o m p a r i n g t h e microfilmed m a n u s c r i p t s with t h e 1 9 0 3 Yates a n d B o l i n g e d i t i o n of t h e work, Rhody's p i a n o t e a c h e r , A l a n Sparkling, discovered a s u r p r i s i n g n u m b e r of significant e r r o r s a n d r i g h t e d t h e m . As his corrections ac c u m u l a t e d , h e b e g a n to feel n o t only t h a t Map was a m u c h g r e a t e r work t h a n a n y o n e c o u l d have known, b u t also t h a t h e , A l a n S p a r k l i n g , was d e v e l o p i n g a sure instinct for Albedo's style. A n d his instinct told h i m t h a t t h e r e was o n e c h o r d which, even t h o u g h it c h e c k e d o u t as correct against several of t h e relevant m a n u s c r i p t s , still s o u n d e d q u i t e w r o n g , o r at least i n c o m p l e t e . It d i d n ' t s o u n d at all like t h e c h o r d A l b e d o w o u l d have written at t h a t m o m e n t in t h e piece. A n d it was a c h o r d of crucial i m p o r t a n c e to t h e m e a n i n g of t h e work—a very soft c h i m i n g t h a t arrived after a l o n g stretch of m u r k i e r p i a n i s m t h a t s h o u l d have c o m e off as s t r a n g e a n d t r i u m p h a n t , b u t as it s t o o d d i d n o t . T h e c h o r d was s u r m o u n t e d by a fermata. S e n s i n g a m a j o r discovery t h a t w o u l d crown his new edition, S p a r k l i n g w e n t b a c k to Sewanee University, w h e r e Albedo's m a n u s c r i p t s were kept, a n d l o o k e d a g a i n t h r o u g h s o m e of the n o t e b o o k s t h a t t h e M a s t e r h a d k e p t d u r i n g t h e t i m e h e was 160
THE
FERMATA
c o m p o s i n g t h a t p a r t i c u l a r m o v e m e n t of Map. A l b e d o ' s later life h a d b e e n d e c o r a t e d with o d d i n c i d e n t s a n d m i n o r scan d a l s — t h e r e h a d b e e n actual r u m o r s of insanity. I n t h e n o t e books t h e r e were t a n t a l i z i n g a n n o t a t i o n s over c e r t a i n motivic scraps—things like " O h G o d , yes!" a n d " A n d h e r e t h e Field develops g r e a t e r p o t e n c y . " A l a n b e g a n to have t h e sense t h a t Map h a d b e e n m o r e t h a n a piece of p i a n o m u s i c to A l b e d o ; that it h a d c o n s t i t u t e d s o m e sort of m a g i c sonic r e c i p e o r spell for h i m . H e also b e g a n strongly to s u s p e c t t h a t t h e e r r o r s in the Yates a n d B o l i n g e d i t i o n h a d n o t b e e n t h e fault of t h e publisher but h a d been intentional last-minute alterations o n Albedo's part, m e a n t to disable w h a t e v e r powers Map gave its p e r f o r m e r , so t h a t h e , A l b e d o , c o u l d r e m a i n in sole posses sion of t h e m . Finally, in o n e of t h e n o t e b o o k s h e c a m e across a heavily e r a s e d p a r t of a p a g e u n d e r a large f e r m a t a a n d , with the h e l p of a magnifying glass, was a b l e to r e a d t h e c h o r d written t h e r e . It was a n i n c o m p a r a b l y finer v a r i a n t of t h e w r o n g - s o u n d i n g f e r m a t a c h o r d in Map. Deeply i m p r e s s e d with himself, Professor S p a r k l i n g t o o k the last p l a n e to B o s t o n , sure n o w t h a t h e h a d a m a s t e r w o r k of twentieth-century music in his briefcase, p o l i s h e d , c l e a n e d , restored, a w a k e n e d from its d o d e c a p h o n i c s l u m b e r by his p r o f o u n d scholarship a n d delicate m u s i c o l o g i c a l
instinct.
T h e n e x t day was his day of giving p i a n o lessons. R h o d y was his very best s t u d e n t ; a n d t h a t m o r n i n g she t o r e t h r o u g h t h e Tombeau de Couperin with s u c h verve that, o n a w h i m h e d i d n ' t himself quite u n d e r s t a n d , h e t u r n e d toward h e r with a n ex pression of g r e a t seriousness a n d seized h e r s h o u l d e r s a n d told h e r t h a t she a l o n e m u s t work u p t h e n e w a u t h o r i z e d version of Map. H e m a d e a copy of his own c o r r e c t i o n s for h e r so t h a t she c o u l d i n c o r p o r a t e t h e m i n t o h e r score. A week passed. Alan, g l o a t i n g over his discoveries, played bits a n d 161
NICHOLSON
BAKER
pieces of Map for himself, a n d listened to it skimmingly in his h e a d , b u t h e d e v o t e d m o s t of his t i m e to finishing his article a b o u t it for The Quarterly of New Music. Since it was a formida bly difficult work, h e d i d n o t m a k e any a t t e m p t to play t h e w h o l e c o m p o s i t i o n t h r o u g h , even sloppily, from b e g i n n i n g to e n d . T h a t was w h a t gifted s t u d e n t s like R h o d y were for, h e felt. All t h a t week R h o d y devotedly p r a c t i c e d Map, conscious of w h a t a n h o n o r it was to b e t h e first p e r s o n to r e a n i m a t e the c l e a n e d - u p version. It s o o n b e c a m e clear to h e r t h a t Professor Sparkling's e n t h u s i a s m was justified: M a s c o n A l b e d o stood revealed as n o m e r e m i n o r - l e a g u e friend of L u c i a n o Berio, b u t as a l e a p i n g titan of p i a n i s m . T h o u g h t h e surface of t h e p i e c e h a d struck h e r e a r at first as knotty a n d over-intellectual, as she p e r f e c t e d h e r p e r f o r m a n c e of it she f o u n d t h a t o n t h e c o n t r a r y it h a d a n a l m o s t d i s t u r b i n g secondary sensual a p p e a l : it m a d e h e r exceedingly aware of t h e physical reality of h e r o w n playing. If t h e piece r e q u i r e d h e r to play a simple A-flat-major triad with h e r left h a n d , she w o u l d feel in d o i n g so as if t h e black A-flat a n d E-flat keys were soft, low, treec o v e r e d hills, s m o o t h e d by f o r g o t t e n glaciers, a n d t h e C be tween t h e m a fog-filled valley, over which h e r poised
fingers
were p a r a c h u t i n g very early in t h e m o r n i n g ; a n o r d i n a r y pile of perfect f o u r t h s a n d fifths w o u l d slice t h r o u g h h e r like the stave of a h a r d - b o i l e d - e g g slicer; she c o u l d sense t h e feltcovered h a m m e r s t h u m p i n g gently against t h e p i a n o wires as gently as t h e n o s e s of s h e e p in p e n s o r fish against glass; she felt with e x t r a o r d i n a r y vividness h e r right foot m a k i n g its little j u m p s o n t h e sustain p e d a l , h o s i n g off any r e c e n t b l e n d i n g s a n d allowing a n e w c o n c o r d to rise u p clean from its m u d wrestling past. T h e p i e c e s e e m e d to rediscover t h e a m a z e m e n t every p i a n i s t s h o u l d p r o p e r l y feel at t h e invention of the 162
THE
FERMATA
p i a n o . Moreover, playing it d i d very o d d t h i n g s to h e r p e r c e p tion of time, t h o u g h it d i d so only w h e n she b e g a n right at t h e b e g i n n i n g a n d went straight t h r o u g h . A n o t h e r p i a n o s t u d e n t , P a u l Mackey, k n o c k e d o n h e r p r a c tice-room d o o r o n t h e eve of h e r lesson with Professor Spar kling. H e asked h e r w h a t she was u p to. S h e was evasive, saying only t h a t she was d o i n g a n A l b e d o p i e c e for Sparkling. P a u l s e e m e d i m p r e s s e d a n d asked if h e c o u l d h e a r s o m e of it. Reluctantly at first, R h o d y b e g a n playing it. P a u l p a c e d in t h e tiny r o o m as h e listened; h e h a d t h e d i s t r a c t i n g h a b i t of d o i n g laps a r o u n d t h e p i a n o while h e listened to his friends play. But the music was so powerful t h a t R h o d y f o u n d t h a t she could successfully i g n o r e h i m , at least u n t i l s o m e t h i n g u n e x p e c t e d h a p p e n e d . S h e c a m e to t h e e m e n d e d c h o r d , t h e soft o n e d a n g l i n g like a t r u m p e t vine u n d e r t h e f e r m a t a , a n d played it, h o l d i n g t h e sustain p e d a l down, a n d g l a n c e d u p at h i m to get his r e a c t i o n , a n d saw t h a t P a u l was c o m p l e t e l y motionless, h a l t e d in m i d - s t e p in s o m e sort of t r a n c e . T h e c h o r d slowly faded; w h e n it was i n a u d i b l e , P a u l a b r u p t l y looked at h e r a n d said, "Why did you s t o p ? " "Why did you s t o p ? " said Rhody. " W h a t d o you m e a n ? " said P a u l . " Y o u j u s t hit t h a t weird staccato c h o r d a n d t h e n s t o p p e d p l a y i n g . " "It was hardly a staccato c h o r d , " said Rhody. " I t h a d a fermata over it, in fact. L o o k . " Paul e x a m i n e d t h e music a n d raised his eyebrows. "Well, you certainly played it like a staccato c h o r d . " Rhody p o n d e r e d Paul's r e a c t i o n for a s e c o n d a n d t h e n b e g a n a few bars back a n d finished t h e piece. T h i s t i m e t h e r e was n o u n u s u a l b e h a v i o r from P a u l . T h a t n i g h t she h a d a d r e a m in w h i c h she d i d Kegel exer cises with a vaginal barbell u n t i l h e r P C m u s c l e s were so 163
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s t r o n g t h a t w h e n she w e n t o n s t a g e u n d e r black-light a n d i n s e r t e d a r e d Swingline 99 h a n d - h e l d stapler in h e r vagina, she c o u l d staple a glowing a i r p l a n e ticket with it. Professor S p a r k l i n g was in t h e a u d i e n c e , w a t c h i n g h e r staple t h e air p l a n e tickets t h a t t h e o t h e r m e n shyly b r o u g h t u p a n d h e l d b e t w e e n h e r legs. H e h a d a t u b e of p h o s p h o r e s c e n t m o t i o n l o t i o n t h a t h e s q u e e z e d o n t h e shaft of his p e n i s so that, as h e b e g a n to stroke it, it glowed with a p a l e b l u e light. H e walked u p t h e side stairs o n t o t h e stage a n d knelt before w h e r e she sat o n a black T h o n e t chair. H e h e l d in o n e h a n d t h e m a n u s c r i p t of his p a p e r o n t h e history of M a s c o n A l b e d o ' s deliberate d i s i m p r o v e m e n t of Map. H e was a l m o s t invisible e x c e p t for his semi-soft glowing p e n i s , a l t h o u g h t h e EXIT sign cast a faint r e d d i s h tint o n his wild Dershowitz-for-the-Defense h a i r a n d hairy s h o u l d e r s ; h e p l a c e d a c o r n e r of t h e m a n u s c r i p t be tween h e r t h i g h s a n d she lifted herself off t h e seat of t h e chair a n d p o s i t i o n e d t h e jaws of t h e Swingline a r o u n d t h e p a p e r a n d g r o a n e d like a weight-lifter a n d t i g h t e n e d h e r vaginal m u s c l e s as h a r d as she possibly c o u l d a n d successfully got t h e stapler to force a staple t h r o u g h all n i n e p a g e s . T h e r e was a p p l a u s e . Professor S p a r k l i n g b o w e d a n d walked away, strok i n g his p e n i s in a scholarly way. I n t h e b a c k g r o u n d , t h e whole t i m e , t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d from Map c h i m e d a n d faded, c h i m e d a n d faded. Still u n d e r t h e influence of h e r d r e a m , she w e n t to h e r n i n e o'clock lesson in a state of d i s o r i e n t e d , s t u m b l i n g horniness. " T h i s is a m o m e n t o u s o c c a s i o n , " Professor S p a r k l i n g said archly. H e sat as h e usually did o n a low c o u c h with o n e a n k l e o n t h e o p p o s i t e k n e e , a copy of t h e piece o p e n beside h i m . "All r i g h t , " h e said a n d g e s t u r e d to h e r to b e g i n . She played. W h e n she c a m e to t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , she splayed h e r fingers to play it a n d b r o u g h t h e r h a n d s gently down 164
THE
FERMATA
a n d felt b o t h m i d d l e fingers d e s c e n d i n t o t h e low white keyvales, curved as ballet d a n c e r s curve t h e i r m i d d l e
fingers
w h e n they s t a n d in s e c o n d position. Relying o n t h e sustain p e d a l , she looked over at Sparkling: like P a u l t h e day before, Sparkling was frozen, staring, s t o p p e d d e a d in t h e act of scratching his u p p e r t h i g h . S h e c o u l d m a k e o u t t h e p r o f a n e , b r o c c o l i - s h a p e d o u t l i n e of his cock a n d balls u n d e r his loose cuffed p a n t s . H u r r i e d l y , before t h e c h o r d w o r e o u t , she lifted h e r skirt a n d slid first h e r left a n d t h e n h e r r i g h t m i d dle finger h i g h u p i n t o h e r slot a n d tickled h e r cervix. T h e n she r e s u m e d playing t h e piece. W h e n she finished, S p a r k l i n g a p p l a u d e d , as m u c h for himself as for h e r .
"Wonderful,
wonderful," h e said, s t a n d i n g . " I t ' s a s t r a n g e a n d m o v i n g piece, d o n ' t you t h i n k ? " " I d o , " said Rhody, l o o k i n g d o w n at h e r two m i d d l e
fingers,
which were still slick from h e r j u i c y insertions. "My only q u e s t i o n is a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a , " said Sparkling. " I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why you c u t it so short. It's t h e h i g h l i g h t of t h e whole work. Let's try it like t h i s . " H e p u t his fingers over h e r fingers a n d played t h e c h o r d with h e r . H e t o o k n o t e of s o m e t h i n g . "Why, m a y I ask, are y o u r two m i d d l e
fingers
p e r s p i r i n g so?" h e asked. " T h e y d o t h a t , " she said. "Ah." H e r e q u e s t e d t h a t she play t h e work t h r o u g h from t h e b e g i n n i n g , a n d this time h e s t o o d b e h i n d h e r , his a r m s crossed. W h e n she r e a c h e d t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , she c a m e d o w n o n it a little h a r d e r t h a n she h a d t h e first t i m e , to give herself a l o n g e r fade interval. S h e twisted a r o u n d to face A l a n b e h i n d her, taking care to k e e p h e r foot firmly d o w n o n t h e sustain p e d a l . H e was as still as a statue. S h e u n z i p p e d his fly a n d deftly h a u l e d o u t his t a c i t u r n musky h a n d f u l . S h e gave his 165
NICHOLSON
BAKER
cock t h r e e l o n g s t r e t c h i n g sucks. It was b i g a n d l u n c h e o n m e a t y in h e r m o u t h ; s u c k i n g o n it was like sucking o n a c a r n a l i z e d version of his voice o r m i n d . S h e fully i n t e n d e d to p u t his dick away b e f o r e t h e Map c h o r d r a n o u t o n her, b u t h e r s u c k i n g t o o k a little l o n g e r t h a n she p l a n n e d a n d she barely h a d t i m e to t u r n b a c k to t h e k e y b o a r d a n d c o n t i n u e p l a y i n g to t h e e n d . S h e h e a r d a little cry of surprise b e h i n d h e r a n d s o m e hasty z i p p e r i n g . W h e n she was d o n e she t u r n e d a g a i n toward S p a r k l i n g a n d waited silently for his r e a c t i o n . H e l o o k e d greatly discon certed; h e was trying to figure s o m e t h i n g o u t t h a t c o u l d n ' t b e figured
o u t ; his obvious mystification a n d
flusterment,
so
u n u s u a l for h i m , was e n d e a r i n g . " W a s t h e f e r m a t a a little b e t t e r this t i m e ? " said Rhody. "Yes, I t h i n k it w a s . " " I t ' s a very powerful work," said Rhody, relishing Professor S p a r k l i n g ' s speechlessness. "It's q u i t e different in effect from the published version." "Yes, it is," S p a r k l i n g said. A n d let's say t h a t t h a t was t h e e n d of t h e lesson (I told R h o d y ) . A n d say t h a t she m a d e a t a p e of herself playing t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , s h a k i n g t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r to get it to work, a n d say t h a t she w e n t to t h e s o u n d lab a n d s a m p l e d this s o u n d (which d i d i n d e e d a p p e a r to b e a staccato c h o r d to t h e lis t e n e r ) a n d r e g e n e r a t e d it, so t h a t simply by h i t t i n g t h e PLAY b u t t o n o n a W a l k m a n she c o u l d s t o p t i m e for u p to thirty " m i n u t e s . " W o u l d n ' t she, I asked her, take a d v a n t a g e of h e r f r e e d o m by h i t t i n g PLAY w h e n e v e r she h a d t h e slightest incli n a t i o n to c h e c k o u t t h e i n d o l e n t dick-specifics of any m a n w h o c a u g h t h e r eye? At first I t h o u g h t she really liked t h e idea, b e c a u s e she said " H m m ! " to this with a certain a m o u n t of e n t h u s i a s m . 166
THE
FERMATA
At o n e o r two places d u r i n g my h y p o t h e t i c a l story (which I have j a z z e d u p h e r e a little for posterity, a l t h o u g h it is in its m a i n o u t l i n e s as I p r e s e n t e d it to h e r ) , she h a d g o t t e n a n interested glint in h e r eye. B u t to m y dismay, t h e m o r e s h e c o n s i d e r e d t h e whole c o n c e p t of time-perversion, t h e m o r e she s e e m e d to t u r n against it. I tried to win h e r over to it with m o r e e x a m p l e s : w o u l d n ' t it b e even slightly i n t e r e s t i n g to h e r to b e in s o m e p u b l i c p l a c e like P a r k Street Station, waiting for t h e train, a n d to b e able to h i t PLAY a n d g o right
t h r o u g h t h e crowd of m e n in t h e i r ties a n d j a c k e t s
a n d briskly pull t h e i r p a n t s d o w n , so t h a t t h e i r idiosyncratic idols p e e p e d shyly o u t from b e h i n d t h e i r shirttails, available for all sorts of casual assessments a n d c o m p a r i s o n s a n d cur sory fondlings? Surely she w o u l d d o t h a t if she h a d t h e ferm a t i o n a l power, w o u l d n ' t she? If she were in a c e r t a i n mood? A n intensity in my gaze m a y have u n s e t t l e d h e r slightly. T h e m o r e h e r e n t h u s i a s m for t h e w h o l e i d e a a p p e a r e d to d i m i n ish, t h e e a g e r e r I was to convince h e r t h a t it h a d to b e attrac tive to her. Any tiny L a t i n o swimsuit was fair g a m e , I said. Any penis-bulge in the world t h a t she w a n t e d to i n q u i r e i n t o a n d even heft was hers to i n q u i r e i n t o a n d heft. Right? B u t d e s p i t e h e r h a v i n g clearly said at t h e b e g i n n i n g of t h e p l a n e ride t h a t t h e idea of seeing n a k e d beautiful m e n h e l d m o r e a n d m o r e a p p e a l , she n o w b e g a n to c o n t e n d t h a t really t h e sight of a penis p e r se d i d n ' t d o all t h a t m u c h for her. Yes, possibly, she would investigate a c r o t c h o r two h a n d s - o n , if t h e c r o t c h c o n t e x t was truly e x t r a o r d i n a r y , b u t w h a t she really n e e d e d was t h e possibility t h a t a given p e n i s c o u l d b e c o m e aware of h e r a n d c o u l d grow a n d d e v e l o p with t h e h e l p of this knowl e d g e . She n e e d e d to b e in s o m e sort of u n f o l d i n g d r a m a t i c 167
NICHOLSON
BAKER
r e l a t i o n s h i p with a specific p e n i s for it to b e c o m e a full-blown sex-object. " B u t y o u ' r e s u c h a voyeur," I c o u n t e r e d . " W h e n we go for walks, y o u ' r e always trying to get a look in t h e windows." "It's foyerism, n o t v o y e u r i s m , " she replied. " I want to look in windows b e c a u s e I like to see h o w p e o p l e a r r a n g e their r o o m s , h o w they have d e c i d e d to live. If I h a d a magical T r i s t a n c h o r d o n t a p e t h a t s t o p p e d t i m e , I p r o b a b l y would w a n d e r t h r o u g h p e o p l e ' s h o u s e s , if they were u n l o c k e d . " "Ah! Okay!" I said wildly. " N o w we're g e t t i n g s o m e w h e r e . A n d if in y o u r w a n d e r i n g you c a m e across a p a u s e d c o u p l e h a v i n g S u n d a y - a f t e r n o o n sex, w o u l d n ' t you at least walk u p a n d t o u c h t h e m a n ' s flexed b u t t - m u s c l e b e t w e e n h e r p a r t e d legs as h e drives t h a t dick h o m e ? O r if you h a p p e n e d u p o n a guy d o i n g himself u p right, p u m p i n g his fluke with two fists, his eyes closed, his face all slack from t h e p l e a s u r e , w o u l d n ' t you p u l l his h a n d s away a n d give t h a t fucking g i r d e r of a dick a suck o r two, if it l o o k e d e x t r a g o o d a n d suckable? You would!" R h o d y t h o u g h t . " I ' m n o t r u l i n g it o u t . B u t I n e e d move m e n t . W h a t y o u ' r e talking a b o u t is so static. I n e e d to b e s e d u c e d . T h a t ' s w h a t I really want. / want to be seduced." She said this with s u c h conviction t h a t I d r o p p e d t h e whole sub j e c t . It was obvious to h e r t h a t if t h e universe were s t o p p e d , any f o r m of s e d u c t i o n w o u l d b e impossible. I resisted t h e t e m p t a t i o n to itemize t h e m a n i f o l d ways in which a Foldeffect c o u l d m a k e c e r t a i n kinds of s e d u c t i o n possible, be c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to s e e m to have given it a lifetime's t h o u g h t . I j u s t d r o p p e d it. I t h a n k e d h e r a g a i n for
finding
my glasses. A week after t h a t I h a d a revelation while browsing in K i b b e s o n ' s D i s c o u n t H o u s e of Electricity o n Mass Ave. after 168
THE
FERMATA
work. I realized t h a t all I h a d to d o was buy a h a n d f u l of r e ally c h e a p r e m a i n d e r e d s w i t c h e s — p e r h a p s t h e o n e - h u n d r e d milliamp p u s h - b u t t o n switches with t h e
twelve-millimeter
b u s h i n g s , which l o o k e d especially p r o m i s i n g — a n d
carry
t h e m a r o u n d in my p a n t s pocket. I h a d a h u n c h t h a t if I h e l d o n e tightly a n d pressed it with my t h u m b while t h i n k i n g as h a r d as I c o u l d of a n h o u r g l a s s b e i n g s p u n in a centrifuge, I could easily force a m i n o r concession from t h e e l e m e n t a l forces a n d d e s c e n d i n t o t h e t e m p o r a l Cleft t h a t way. Even if the switches b u r n e d o u t after only o n e D r o p , as t h e race-tracktransformer toggle h a d , they were c h e a p e n o u g h t h a t I c o u l d afford it. I b o u g h t a b u n c h of different microswitches a n d tested t h e m o u t o n t h e street, f u m b l i n g with t h e m in my pocket as I frowned o u t at t h e traffic. N o n e of t h e m o m e n t a r y c o n n e c t i o n p u s h - b u t t o n s worked, to m y surprise, b u t a n u n d i s t i n g u i s h e d - l o o k i n g plastic s i x t e e n - a m p s p a d e - t e r m i n a l rocker-switch did beautifully. I b o u g h t a d o z e n for five dol lars. Rhody a n d I h a d sex t h a t e v e n i n g — n o t o u t r é t o o t h b r u s h driven avocado sex, b u t n o t all t h a t b a d sex either. W h i l e I was fucking i n t o h e r slowly from b e h i n d , she b e g a n t o c o m e , muff-finger flying. I still h a d a ways to go. I n e v e r liked c o m i n g after she did, b e c a u s e I c o u l d n o t convince myself t h a t she was still interested. Hastily I fished o n e of t h e rocker-switches o u t of my p a n t s p o c k e t (fortunately my p a n t s were right t h e r e o n the b e d ) a n d envisioned a s p i n n i n g h o u r g l a s s while I t r i p p e d it. T h e r e was a s m a r t i n g spark against m y p a l m as t i m e ' s fuse blew. I p u l l e d o u t a n d l o o k e d at t h e alluringly o p e n negative s h a p e in Rhody's vadge w h e r e my cock h a d j u s t h a p p i l y b e e n — i t d i d n ' t close o n itself as it w o u l d have o u t of t h e Fold. I went a n d s t o o d in t h e o t h e r r o o m , l o o k i n g t h r o u g h t h e frame of t h e o p e n d o o r at w h a t she l o o k e d like as she was 169
NICHOLSON
BAKER
fucking m e . H e r glasses were o n . Folds of t h e sheet were c l u t c h e d in h e r h a n d s . T h o u g h she was s u p p o r t i n g h e r weight o n h e r elbows a n d knees, h e r breasts w e r e n ' t h a n g i n g straight d o w n , as they w o u l d have b e e n if she h a d p o s e d herself in this position, b u t were s h a p e d o n t h e fly, t h e centers of gravity l o o m i n g forward, b e c a u s e we h a d b e e n s l a p p i n g against e a c h o t h e r q u i t e h a r d a n d she h a d j u s t b e g u n a drive back o n t o my richard.
S h e was l o o k i n g d o w n p a s t h e r breasts at h e r own
t h i g h s o r p e r h a p s at my ballions swinging j u s t below h e r tuft. H e r face was very flushed, in p a r t b e c a u s e h e r h e a d was h e l d d o w n t h e way it w a s — t h e r e was a vein in h e r f o r e h e a d t h a t I c o u l d clearly see. My girlfriend! I p u l l e d off my c o n d o m , disliking t h e wrinkly s o u n d s it m a d e as I m a s t u r - w o r k e d my self. T h e coolness of t h e o p e n air o n my
richard
m a d e it
r e m e m b e r h o w g o o d it was to b e h a r d . I lay n e x t to h e r o n t h e b e d , l o o k i n g at h e r slung-forward d r o n e s a n d flushed face, a n d I i m a g i n e d h e r i m a g i n i n g s u c k i n g h e r p i a n o teacher's l a n g u i d e l u t r i a t o r , o r t h i n k i n g a b o u t s o m e b o d y o r -bodies a g r e a t d e a l sexier to h e r t h a n I was d o i n g s o m e t h i n g nice a n d kinky, a n d in my a n x i o u s n e s s to c a t c h u p with h e r I almost w e n t t o o far a n d c a m e all a l o n e — I c l e n c h e d o n c e in a falsed a w n sort of p r e - o r g a s m , w h i c h is a s p a s m (if I may b e par d o n e d for a n i n e l e g a n t simile) very similar to t h e false flush-moment
t h a t c a n o c c u r in a toilet t a n k if you d o n ' t h o l d
t h e h a n d l e d o w n q u i t e l o n g e n o u g h for t h e m e c h a n i s m to confirm y o u r u n a m b i v a l e n t wish for it to g o t h r o u g h a full flush cycle. I let m y cock settle d o w n for a m i n u t e , a n d t h e n b e g a n driving u p t h e g r a d e again. It was n o w so mindlessly h a r d t h a t t h e s e n s a t i o n of a p i n c h i n g l y new c o n d o m b e i n g u n r o l l e d d o w n its l e n g t h was a m a t t e r of c o m p l e t e indiffer e n c e to it. I p o i n t e d myself b a c k inside R h o d y a n d pressed the rocker-switch a n d , s l a p p i n g against h e r as if t h e r e h a d b e e n n o b r e a k in t h e action, c a m e j u s t w h e n she did. 170
THE
FERMATA
I felt a little guilty a b o u t h a v i n g t h u s e n g i n e e r e d a simulta n e o u s o r g a s m ( a n d w h a t if by s o m e m i s c h a n c e she f o u n d t h e second c o n d o m later?) a n d I lay t h e r e in t h e otherwise h a p p y post-coital calm, seriously w e i g h i n g w h e t h e r I s h o u l d j u s t g o a h e a d a n d tell h e r my e n t i r e history of time-perversion. " W h a t d o you have in y o u r h a n d ? " she asked, u n d o i n g my fingers. "This thing? It's j u s t a sort of c h a r m . " She looked at t h e b u r n e d - o u t rocker-switch, w h i c h I stu pidly h a d n ' t g o t t e n rid of d u r i n g o u r o r g a s m . " Y o u were h o l d i n g o n to this t h e w h o l e t i m e ? " she said, l o o k i n g at m e uncomprehendingly. "I d o n ' t t h i n k t h e whole t i m e , " I said. " W h e r e did it c o m e from? I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . " "Well," I said, playing for time, "it's j u s t t h a t — I r e m e m b e r e d I h a d a b u n c h of rocker-switches in my p a n t s p o c k e t a n d g r a b b e d o n e w h e n I was g o i n g at you from b e h i n d . T h a t was great, by t h e way." I n e e d e d twenty m i n u t e s o r so to t h i n k a b o u t how I s h o u l d answer her, a n d w h e t h e r I s h o u l d tell h e r a b o u t t h e Fold, b u t I c o u l d n ' t very well r e a c h for a n o t h e r rocker-switch while she lay o n h e r side, p r o p p e d o n o n e elbow, l o o k i n g at m e with s u c h a t r o u b l e d e x p r e s s i o n . I h a d to go with my flash assessment, w h i c h was t h a t this was n o t in fact the t i m e to tell h e r a b o u t my Fold-life after all. I disliked how s t r a n g e I m u s t b e a p p e a r i n g to her. She said, "While we were m a k i n g love, y o u r e a c h e d in these p a n t s a n d p u l l e d o u t a piece of electrical e q u i p m e n t a n d h e l d o n to it? Why?" N o w she was sitting u p , w a n t i n g very m u c h to get an e x p l a n a t i o n from m e t h a t w o u l d clear everything u p . H e r breasts looked aggrieved. "It's h a r d to e x p l a i n , " I said. " I guess I w a n t e d to i m a g i n e that I was a n a n d r o i d . " I l a u g h e d sheepishly to c o n f i r m my fabrication. " A n invincible h a r d - b o d y a n d r o i d . It's stupid, I 171
NICHOLSON
k n o w . " I felt d e s p a i r at h o w
BAKER
ridiculous
this e x p l a n a t i o n
s o u n d e d , b u t I c o u l d n ' t b r i n g myself to l a u n c h into t h e t r u t h , f e a r i n g t h a t she w o u l d take it poorly. " I h a t e these stupid c o n d o m s , " I said fussily, tying a k n o t in t h e o n e we h a d j u s t used. R h o d y s h o o k h e r h e a d . " I ' m n o t very c o m f o r t a b l e with this, A r n o . I really d i d n ' t p l a n to b e fucked by a n electric m o t o r this afternoon." " I know. I ' m sorry." I h u g g e d h e r guiltily. S h e lay o n h e r back, t h i n k i n g . " L e t m e ask y o u t h i s , " she t h e n said. "Is y o u r i d e a of t h e perfect life to b e a b l e t o s t o p t i m e a n y t i m e you w a n t a n d take off w o m e n ' s clothes o n t h e subway a n d feel t h e i r breasts?" " I k n o w w h a t y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g , " I said. "You t h i n k t h a t I ' m t u r n i n g o u t to b e s o m e k i n d of t e c h n o - s e x n u t c a s e . " "Well? N o , I ' m j u s t a little surprised at all this. First you tell m e this l o n g story a b o u t a p i a n o c h o r d , insisting t h a t I m u s t find aspects of t h e idea sexually exciting, a n d now you h o l d this t h i n g in y o u r h a n d — w h a t is it?" " I t ' s j u s t a plain-vanilla on-off switch, a rocker-switch," I said. I tried m i l d i n d i g n a t i o n . " I t ' s n o t h i n g ! F o r g e t it. It's j u s t a little s i x t e e n - a m p rocker-switch." "Well, it s e e m s a very s t r a n g e t h i n g to b r i n g i n t o t h e bed r o o m . Y o u s h o u l d have told m e b e f o r e h a n d . If it excites you to m a k e love to m e p r e t e n d i n g y o u ' r e a m a c h i n e , fine. B u t you have to i n c l u d e m e in it. W h a t I d o n ' t like is discovering t h a t y o u ' r e d o i n g this s o m e w h a t o d d t h i n g literally b e h i n d my back." " Y o u ' r e right, I s h o u l d have i n c l u d e d y o u , " I said. " B u t you k n o w — I tried to i n c l u d e y o u in s o m e t h i n g fairly i m p o r t a n t to m e w h e n I told y o u a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , a n d I m u s t say I got a pretty lukewarm reception." 172
THE
FERMATA
"Well, right, it was a loveless fantasy. It h a d n o love in it." " B u t I m e a n t it as a n act of love to tell it to you!" " N o , " said Rhody. " W h a t t h a t fantasy says is t h a t y o u r i d e a of heaven is b e i n g able to h i t t h e PLAY b u t t o n o n a W a l k m a n a n d take off w o m e n ' s clothes a n d feel t h e i r breasts. R i g h t ? " "I d o n ' t t h i n k it's my idea of h e a v e n , exactly," I said, with s o m e awkwardness. I h a d in fact briefly u n d r e s s e d a b e a u t i fully b l o u s e d w o m a n w e a r i n g a yellow 32-B Lily of F r a n c e b r a o n t h e Red L i n e j u s t t h e previous day, so it was difficult for m e to react with t h e right level of b l a n k e t d i s a p p r o v a l . "As you yourself said, it's h a r d to r u l e o u t c o m p l e t e l y t h e possibility of an occasional c a p i t u l a t i o n to curiosity." Rhody d i d n ' t like b e i n g p a r a p h r a s e d . S h e got angry. S h e said she h a d b e e n t h i n k i n g over my story, a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , a n d she h a d b e g u n to feel t h a t it w a s n ' t a fantasy t h a t a p p e a l e d to h e r at all. H e r e is w h e n she d u g u p w o r d s like " n e c r o p h i l i a " — o r p e r h a p s , to b e fair, she only said " i m p l i e d n e c r o p h i l i a . " I felt as if my w h o l e life were b e i n g called i n t o q u e s t i o n a n d I tried to d e f e n d myself: it's just a n idea, just a fantasy, etc. " H o w would you feel," R h o d y asked, "if I s t o p p e d t i m e o n e day, while we were waiting in line for a movie, p u l l e d y o u r p a n t s down, a n d i n s e r t e d a b l u e e r a s e r in y o u r anus? T h i n k a b o u t it." " I t would d e p e n d totally, totally o n y o u r i n t e n t , " I said. "If you p u t a b l u e eraser in my a n u s o u t of s o m e c o m b i n a t i o n of desire a n d curiosity, a n d you simply w a n t e d to k n o w w h a t it would b e like to d o that, t h e n I w o u l d n ' t object. G o
right
a h e a d . B u t if you did it o u t of a desire to h u r t m e a n d r o b m e of dignity in y o u r m i n d , t h e n of c o u r s e I w o u l d o b j e c t . " " T h a t was a b a d e x a m p l e , " R h o d y said, waving it away. " H o w would you feel if a c o m p l e t e s t r a n g e r s t o p p e d t i m e o n 173
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e street a n d p u l l e d y o u r p a n t s d o w n a n d t o o k y o u r shirt off a n d m a d e a m i n u t e i n s p e c t i o n of every i n c h of y o u r body?" " W e l l , " I said piously, "if all they were interested in was s e e i n g w h a t I l o o k e d like in g r e a t e r detail, a n d t h e motive was a t t r a c t i o n r a t h e r t h a n hostility, I w o u l d b e
flattered
and
w o u l d n ' t m i n d in t h e least. Maybe t h e r e are t h i n g s a b o u t m e t h a t I d o n ' t w a n t c o m p l e t e strangers k n o w i n g at such close r a n g e , b u t as l o n g as I knew t h a t t h e p e r s o n was d o i n g it o u t of s o m e k i n d of positive feeling towards m e , so t h a t whatever they saw w o u l d b e i n t e r e s t i n g to t h e m , r a t h e r t h a n repellent, I w o u l d say fine, p u l l m y p a n t s down. J u s t so l o n g as I d o n ' t have to k n o w a b o u t it." " A h , b u t w h a t if it was a m a n ? " said Rhody. " W h a t if a gay m a n s t o p p e d t i m e , p u l l e d y o u r p a n t s down, a n d gave you a l o n g slow blowjob? What if he had a mustache?" T h i s i d e a t o o k m e by surprise, b u t I p r e t e n d e d it d i d n ' t . "I a d m i t t h a t ' s n o t s o m e t h i n g t h a t a p p e a l s to m e . I was t h i n k i n g of a w o m a n d o i n g t h e inspection. B u t to b e consistent, I s u p p o s e I w o u l d have to say, fine, if t h e gay m a n m e a n s well, a n d h e wants to give m e a blowjob w i t h o u t my knowledge, it w o u l d n ' t b e t h e e n d of civilization. Let h i m . W h a t you d o n ' t know can't h u r t you." " T h a t ' s a ridiculously glib t h i n g to say," she said, p u l l i n g o n h e r socks. S h e was a n g r y again. " W h y is it glib?" I said hotly. " T h e p o i n t is, t h e real p o i n t is, forget s t r a n g e r s . W h e n I told you t h a t story a b o u t y o u r p i a n o t e a c h e r , I was t a l k i n g n o t a b o u t s o m e total s t r a n g e r d e v e l o p i n g t h a t ability to s t o p t i m e by playing a certain c h o r d , I was t a l k i n g a b o u t you a n d y o u a l o n e d e v e l o p i n g it." R h o d y h a d finished g e t t i n g dressed by now. " I t h i n k what y o u were really trying to d o was to get m e interested in your little d r e a m of t a k i n g off w o m e n ' s clothes in p u b l i c places a n d 174
THE
FERMATA
d o i n g various t h i n g s to t h e m a n d n o t g e t t i n g criminally p r o s e c u t e d for it. A n d I ' m sorry—I d o n ' t t h i n k it's a g o o d d r e a m . " Saying this s e e m e d to force h e r to s o m e sort of deci sion. A week o r two later we h a d a n o t h e r a r g u m e n t a n d she issued a fiat; s o o n we were n o l o n g e r a n item, w h i c h was t o o bad, since I did love h e r a n d really still d o miss her, even n o w t h a t (as I will go o n to tell) I have g o n e o u t o n a d a t e with Joyce.
175
12
I .JL.
NEED
TO
BE
SEDUCED.
THE
IRONY
IN
RHODY S
SAYING
that, as a n a r g u m e n t against f e r m a t i o n used for sexual kicks, is t h a t I n e v e r w o u l d have g o n e o u t with h e r if I h a d n ' t b e e n a b l e to rely heavily o n t h e Fold for h e l p . Before I spoke o n e w o r d to h e r I h a d already t a k e n off h e r shirt a n d looked over h e r small d e a r breasts, which h a d faint triangles a r o u n d t h e m from t h e e d g e s of t h e b r a . H e r skin was very p a l e . This h a p p e n e d in a T h a i r e s t a u r a n t off Boylston. I sat d o w n a n d looked a r o u n d a n d n o t i c e d a w o m a n with very s h o r t black h a i r a n d glasses with r o u n d black rims, studying t h e m e n u . H e r lower lip was s o m e w h a t fuller t h a n h e r u p p e r lip, like a H a p s b u r g , w h i c h is a feature t h a t attracts m e — t h o u g h I also like w h e n 176
THE
FERMATA
the u p p e r lip is fuller t h a n t h e lower, t o o , c o m e to t h i n k of it. She o r d e r e d d i n n e r a n d asked t h e waiter to b r i n g h e r a c u p of h o t water a n d u n w r a p p e d a yellow t e a b a g . While h e r tea was s t e e p i n g , she p u l l e d o u t a b o o k . S h e s e e m e d n o t to have a b o o k m a r k , a n d yet I n o t i c e d t h a t she d i d n ' t have to flip a r o u n d to find h e r place. (I l e a r n e d later that R h o d y always a u t o m a t i c a l l y r e m e m b e r e d h e r p l a c e in a book. She was n o t g o o d with p h o n e n u m b e r s , a n d even h e r Social Security n u m b e r gave h e r t r o u b l e occasionally, b u t t h e p a g e n u m b e r of h e r c u r r e n t b o o k w o u l d j u s t c o m e to h e r w i t h o u t effort as s o o n as she h e l d it a n d saw t h e cover. S o m e times, she told m e , t h e n u m b e r w o u l d even o c c u r to h e r at o d d times d u r i n g t h e day, a n d she w o u l d think, Two h u n d r e d fifty-four,
w h a t a mysterious a n d suggestive n u m b e r ! It w o u l d
take h e r a s e c o n d to realize t h a t t h e n u m b e r s e e m e d u n u s u ally fine simply b e c a u s e it was w h e r e she was g o i n g to r e s u m e h e r r e a d i n g . N i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y novels were a l l - i m p o r t a n t to her. It wasn't a q u e s t i o n of h e r liking t h e m ; they were a n e u r o logical necessity, like sleep. O n e Mrs. H u m p h r y W a r d , o r a Reade, o r a T r o l l o p e p e r week s u p p l i e d h e r with s o m e k i n d of critical co-enzyme, she said, t h a t allowed h e r to o r g a n i z e so cial sense e x p e r i e n c e . It was n i c e if t h e novel was g o o d , b u t even a very m e d i o c r e o n e w o u l d d o ; w i t h o u t a daily s h o t of Victorian fiction she c o u l d n ' t q u i t e r e m e m b e r h o w to talk to p e o p l e a n d to u n d e r s t a n d w h a t they said. I miss her.) She lifted t h e t e a b a g o u t of h e r c u p with a s p o o n a n d b o u n d its string tightly a r o u n d t h e b a g - a n d - s p o o n
duo,
squeezing m o s t of t h e water t h a t was left in t h e leaves o u t i n t o the c u p . I h a d never b e e n e x p o s e d to this m e t h o d of m a n a g i n g a u s e d t e a b a g before, a n d I was thrilled by it; a n d I d o n ' t n e e d m u c h m o r e t h a n this to fall in love, after my fashion. I w a n t e d very m u c h to know w h a t b o o k she was r e a d i n g . I 177
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p u l l e d o u t m y m e c h a n i c a l pencil, which, t h o u g h it h a d lost its efficacy as a s t a n d - a l o n e F o l d - p r o b e s o m e m o n t h s earlier, still w o r k e d in c o n c e r t with t h e special e q u a t i o n t h a t I h a d a d a p t e d from a j o u r n a l of m a t h e m a t i c s . I wrote it o n the p l a c e m a t : t h e Strine Inequality. I h a d c o m e across t h e g e r m of it in t h e Birkhoff Library at H a r v a r d o n a S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n in a state of T o u r e t t e ' s s y n d r o m i s h meditativeness t h a t I knew by n o w often p r e s a g e d a F e r m a t a discovery. I o p e n e d a n issue of The Canadian Journal of Geometry at r a n d o m a n d was sur p r i s e d by h o w m a n y symbolic systems m a t h e m a t i c i a n s h a d p r e s s e d i n t o service: G r e e k a n d Russian letters, of course, b u t t h e British p o u n d sterling sign? C a p i t a l letters in a florid script t h a t l o o k e d as if it c a m e from a w e d d i n g invitation? F r o m a s h o r t p a p e r e n t i t l e d "Minimally Gilded H o d g e Star O p e r a t o r s a n d Q u a s i - O r d i n a r y H a n d l e b o d i e s W i t h i n a Localizable 4-Manifold W h i t n e y I n v a r i a n c e , " I c o p i e d o u t a n e q u a tion, as follows—
Several h o u r s later, at t h e Ritz C a r l t o n bar, g u i d e d by a will g r e a t e r t h a n my own, I s u b s t i t u t e d several of t h e i n t e r n a t i o n a l textile c a r e - l a b e l i n g symbols for key variables in t h e original, a n d c h a n g e d t h e e q u a l sign to a less-than-or-equal-to sign. I felt as if I were s p e a k i n g in t o n g u e s as I w a t c h e d my possessed h a n d d r a w a c r o s s e d - o u t i r o n a n d a c r o s s e d - o u t triangle ( " n o b l e a c h " ) a n d a stylized half-filled w a s h t u b with a large h a n d in it ( " h a n d - w a s h " ) . W h e n I h a d finished with t h e substitu tions a n d t h e S t r i n e I n e q u a l i t y s t o o d c o m p l e t e o n t h e p a g e , t h e r e c a m e a s o u n d , a s o u n d of d i s t a n t c h r o n i c liposuction, of 178
THE
FERMATA
fine cosmetic work b e i n g d o n e o n t h e c o s m o s , n i p s a n d tucks tactfully taken, infinitesimal h a i r p l u g s of t i m e r e m o v e d from distant star-systems, w h e r e they w o u l d n ' t b e missed, a n d ar r a n g e d in q u a n t i t y serially for m e to live t h r o u g h . I was free o n c e a g a i n to r o a m t h e Fold. T o r e t u r n to t i m e I only h a d to erase t h e inequality sign, d i s a b l i n g its potency. T h a t was t h e f o r m u l a I w r o t e d o w n o n t h e p l a c e m a t at t h e T h a i r e s t a u r a n t . W h e n it h a d t a k e n effect, I w e n t over to R h o d y a n d lifted h e r b o o k from h e r h a n d . It was a g r e e n Virago p a p e r b a c k called Lady Audley's
Secret, by Mary E.
B r a d d o n . T h e b a c k cover said t h a t Lady Audley's Secret h a d " s h o c k e d t h e Victorian p u b l i c with its revelations of h o r r o r s at t h e very h e a r t of r e s p e c t a b l e society a n d its m o s t respect able w o m e n . " E n c o u r a g e d , I t h u m b e d t h r o u g h it, r e a d i n g things like " b o n n e t " a n d " g a u d i l y - j a p a n n e d i r o n tea-trays" a n d t h e s e n t e n c e f r a g m e n t " h e a m u s e d himself by w a t c h i n g h e r jewelled white h a n d s gliding softly over t h e keys, with t h e lace sleeves d r o p p i n g away from h e r graceful a r c h e d wrists." I c a m e to t h e inside of t h e b a c k cover; o n it, R h o d y ( o r Rhoda E. Levering, a c c o r d i n g to t h e n a m e inscribed in t h e b o o k ) h a d m a d e several notes. H e r h a n d w r i t i n g h a d a self-assured intel ligence. T h e only n o t e t h a t I c o u l d m a k e any sense of, t h o u g h , was: Sexiness of men who take off their watches in public
She used, as I did, t h e back of h e r b o o k to j o t d o w n p a s s i n g observations. I p u t t h e b o o k b a c k in h e r g r i p , a n d I u n b u t t o n e d h e r shirt a n d f o u n d o u t w h a t I c o u l d a b o u t h e r breasts. A slight asymmetry i n s p i r e d i n s t a n t fondness. ( W o m e n w h o r e a d Virago M o d e r n Classics a l m o s t always have fascinating breasts.) I h a d p l a n n e d to study a review of t h e n e w M a z d a 9 2 9 in 179
NICHOLSON
BAKER
Road & Track d u r i n g d i n n e r , b u t obviously t h a t was n o t possi ble now. I was t e m p t e d to walk to a b o o k s t o r e in t h e Fold a n d pick u p s o m e o t h e r V i r a g o to show off to her, b u t I t h o u g h t b e t t e r of it: t o o aggressive a m a n u f a c t u r e d c o i n c i d e n c e . In stead I e r a s e d t h e I n e q u a l i t y to e n d t h e t i m e - t r a n s p l a n t a t i o n a n d , o n c e b a c k in t h e swing, p u l l e d o u t a turn-of-the-century b i o g r a p h y of E d w a r d FitzGerald by A. C. B e n s o n t h a t I h a d b e e n halfheartedly r e a d i n g ; I h e l d it o p e n with t h e e d g e of my p l a t e . T h e waiter c a m e . I o r d e r e d d i n n e r in a fairly loud, friendly voice in o r d e r to d r a w R h o d y ' s a t t e n t i o n . W h e n I h a d h a n d e d over t h e m e n u , I d r o p p e d m y eyes i m m e d i a t e l y to my b o o k as if I were i m p a t i e n t to get b a c k to it, a n d t h e n absentm i n d e d l y b e g a n m o v i n g m y w a t c h u p a n d d o w n o n my wrist. I knew " R h o d a E. L e v e r i n g " was w a t c h i n g m e . I t u r n e d a p a g e , lifting t h e p l a t e so t h a t it w o u l d clear, a n d w e n t back to p l a y i n g with m y watch. S u d d e n l y I l o o k e d u p , c a u g h t Rhody's eye, a n d gave h e r a friendly hello-look. I felt b a d a b o u t d o i n g this, b e c a u s e I k n o w h o w h a r d it is to go b a c k to a book, n o m a t t e r h o w e n g r o s s e d you were in it, w h e n you are a l o n e at a table in a r e s t a u r a n t a n d you b e c o m e aware of s o m e o n e else w h o m a y o r m a y n o t b e lonely, a n d m a y o r m a y n o t b e curious a b o u t y o u — s u d d e n l y , w h e t h e r you w e l c o m e it o r not, t h e r e is a fiery transversity c o n n e c t i n g t h e two of you, w h e r e before t h e r e h a d only b e e n a n a r r o w rectilinear g r e e n - c a r p e t e d T h a i r e s t a u r a n t t h a t t o l e r a t e d solo r e a d e r s . I r e t u r n e d to m y b o o k , deliberately m a k i n g ugly lip-pursed faces to show t h a t I was d e e p l y c a u g h t u p in FitzGerald—and
Edward
to release R h o d y from t h e tyranny of t h e
transversity if she w a n t e d to r e t u r n to Lady Audley's Secret. W i t h o u t lifting m y eyes from t h e p a g e ( t h o u g h I was still sure t h a t h e r b l a c k - r i m m e d glasses were flashing in my d i r e c t i o n ) , I raised my left h a n d a n d very slowly a n d teasingly p u l l e d o n 180
THE
FERMATA
the flap of my w a t c h b a n d u n t i l t h e tiny gold p r o n g of its buckle h u n g free of t h e slightly e l o n g a t e d s e c o n d h o l e . Like a s t r i p p e r delaying a m o m e n t of conclusive d i s r o b i n g , I h e l d the u n b u c k l e d watch in place for a t i m e , t u r n i n g m y wrist slowly within its l o o s e n e d e m b r a c e ; finally I slid t h e b u c k l e off t h e strap a n d c a u g h t t h e face of t h e watch as it fell from m y a r m . I did everything as s m o o t h l y a n d u n s u d d e n l y a n d strokingly as I could, n o t as if I were aware of R h o d y a n d trying to entice her, b u t as if I were r e a d i n g with s u c h i n t e n s e c o n c e n tration t h a t my u n c o n s c i o u s w a t c h - r e m o v a l m o v e m e n t s were b e i n g slowed to a fraction of t h e i r n o r m a l s p e e d by t h e r a p t u r e of my literary a p p r e c i a t i o n . I set t h e w a t c h d o w n j u s t above my o p e n book, t h e two curved s e g m e n t s of t h e b a n d f o r m i n g a seagull s h a p e . T h e n I l o o k e d directly a n d inquir ingly at R h o d y again. H e r eyes fell to h e r p a g e . T h a t was t h e b i g m o m e n t of t h e evening. W e i g n o r e d e a c h o t h e r from t h e n o n . J u s t after she asked for h e r check, she walked past m e to t h e b a t h r o o m . I whisked o u t my m e c h a n i cal pencil a n d r e s t o r e d t h e c o m p l e t e I n e q u a l i t y o n m y placem a t a n d u s e d t h e Fold's ideal privacy to c o u n t t h e n u m b e r of t a m p o n s in h e r p u r s e . T h e r e were five. I e r a s e d t i m e b a c k o n a n d let h e r use t h e b a t h r o o m . W h e n she e m e r g e d , I D r o p p e d again a n d c o u n t e d t a m p o n s : t h e r e were n o w four. Since I have h a d miserable luck b e f r i e n d i n g w o m e n at t h e h e i g h t of their periods, I d i d n ' t try to say hello to h e r t h e n . I n s t e a d , o n my c a l e n d a r I m a r k e d a day two weeks later, w h e n she was likely to b e at o r n e a r ovulation, a n d o n t h a t day I staked o u t h e r address o n M a r l b o r o u g h Street after work. S h e g o t h o m e a r o u n d six-thirty. H a l f a n h o u r later she r e a p p e a r e d in j e a n s . I followed h e r discreetly to t h e H a r v a r d B o o k Store Café o n Newbury. J u s t before she w e n t i n t o t h e store, I c o m p l e t e d t h e Inequality o n a p a d of p a p e r a n d slipped in a h e a d of her. I 1 8 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
c r o u c h e d in o n e of t h e aisles, n e a r t h e Mrs. H u m p h r y Wards, a n d e r a s e d m y way i n t o t i m e . (I d i d n ' t w a n t to s e e m to have m a t e r i a l i z e d o u t of t h i n air to a n y o n e in t h e store.) I stood u p , h o l d i n g a r a n d o m book; I p u t t h e b o o k away; a n d t h e n I p u l l e d a V i r a g o p a p e r b a c k off t h e shelf. I h e a r d s o m e o n e step i n t o t h e fiction aisle, a n d I was a l m o s t sure t h a t it was Rhody, a n d it was. I t u r n e d a n d r e g a r d e d h e r blankly, innocently, a n d t h e n w e n t t h r o u g h a p l e a s e d frown of r e c o g n i t i o n . She re t u r n e d t h e favor. (Naturally I was h o l d i n g t h e b o o k in such a way t h a t my w a t c h was plainly visible.) I will skip t h e " W e r e n ' t you at t h e T h a i Star a few weeks a g o ? " e x c h a n g e t h a t followed, since t h e r e was n o t h i n g newsworthy in it—I will j u s t observe that, d e s p i t e my h a v i n g p r o d u c e d a n d d i r e c t e d t h e entire c o i n c i d e n c e , I was as overjoyed a n d n e r v o u s a n d relieved w h e n she started talking away a b o u t t h e s u b d u e d greatness of Mrs. H u m p h r y W a r d as if I really h a d fortuitously r u n into her. " Y o u k n o w w h a t really i n t e r e s t e d m e a b o u t y o u ? " she said several weeks later, after we h a d b e e n o n a h a r b o r cruise a n d h a d h a d l u n c h twice. "You may n o t r e m e m b e r this, b u t while you were r e a d i n g t h a t t i m e at T h a i Star, you t o o k y o u r watch off a n d p u t it j u s t above y o u r b o o k . " " S o y o u were w a t c h i n g m e ! " I said. " I was very aware of you." "Yes, I was w a t c h i n g you. You t o o k y o u r watch off, a n d you s e e m e d to l u x u r i a t e in every tiny step of t h e process. I've always liked t h e sight of a m a n t a k i n g off his watch. It d o e s n ' t n e e d to b e a n expensive watch, t h o u g h I prefer l e a t h e r to m e t a l b a n d s . " S h e lowered h e r voice. " I like t h e r u b b i n g of t h e wrist afterward." " H o w i n t e r e s t i n g , " I said. "It's j u s t a h a b i t of m i n e — I guess I s t a r t e d d o i n g it in study hall in h i g h school. It s e e m e d grown u p . " (This was n o t a l t o g e t h e r u n t r u e . ) 182
THE
FERMATA
Rhody said, " I was e n a m o r e d of this o n e guy, a physics major, in college w h o u s e d to g o t h r o u g h a r i t u a l of g e t t i n g set u p to study at o n e of t h e tables in t h e library. H e s l i p p e d off his s h o e s — h e always h a d i m m a c u l a t e white sweatsocks o n , a n d very clean p a l e j e a n s — a n d h e a r r a n g e d his w a t c h n e x t to his textbook, with o n e s t r a p folded u n d e r t h e o t h e r . " " H e s o u n d s like a real c a t c h , " I said. " B u t t h e i n t e r e s t i n g t h i n g is t h a t only a few days b e f o r e I saw you take off y o u r watch, s o m e o n e at work d i d t h e s a m e t h i n g at a m e e t i n g , a n d I was r e m i n d e d of h o w k i n d of . . . seductive it is, even t h o u g h in t h a t case I wasn't at all inter ested in t h e p e r s o n w h o did it. J u s t in his wrist. I n fact, I even m a d e a n o t e in b a c k of t h e b o o k I was r e a d i n g at t h e time a b o u t h o w sexy it is to w a t c h a m a n d o that. So t h e r e . Isn't it weird t h e way t h i n g s like t h a t always h a p p e n
in
twos?" I a g r e e d t h a t it was weird, a n d we got off i n t o a discussion of R u p e r t S h e l d r a k e a n d t h e m o r p h i c r e s o n a n c e s t h a t p u r portedly aid p r o t e i n synthesis. T h a t e v e n i n g she b r o u g h t m e back to h e r a p a r t m e n t to show m e t h e a c t u a l n o t e in t h e back of Lady Audley 's Secret. W e e n d e d u p h a v i n g sex for t h e first time. ( T h e r e was a m e m o r a b l e m o m e n t w h e n my h a n d s were flat against a Sierra C l u b wall c a l e n d a r as I fucked slowly in a n d o u t of h e r m o u t h . A n d t h e r e was a n o t h e r m e m o r a b l e m o m e n t w h e n she p u t a c u c u m b e r i n t h e m i c r o wave for a few s e c o n d s to take t h e chill off a n d I twisted t h e corkscrew we h a d u s e d o n t h e b o t t l e of C a b e r n e t i n t o o n e e n d of it a n d she let m e watch h e r c u k e herself with it, h o l d i n g it by its b l o n d w o o d e n h a n d l e . ) I a m n o t saying t h a t it is a total impossibility t h a t t h e two of u s c o u l d have g o t t e n t o g e t h e r at t h e T h a i r e s t a u r a n t if I h a d simply walked over to h e r a n d struck u p a conversation. I m i g h t have cruised h e r successfully w i t h o u t subterfuge. B u t it's j u s t as likely t h a t 183
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s h e w o u l d have politely sent m e away. I ' m less suave with a w o m a n w h e n I h a v e n ' t h a d a preview of h e r breasts. So t h e m o r a l is: R h o d y was q u i t e w r o n g in a s s u m i n g t h a t t h e Fer m a t a was intrinsically antithetical to seduction. I u s e d t h e F e r m a t a to s e d u c e her.
184
13
I JL.
WAS IN A CERTAIN A M O U N T O F PAIN W H E N THINGS E N D E D WITH
Rhody. I h a d given h e r a glimpse of my i n n e r life, a n d she h a d u n a m b i g u o u s l y rejected it. B u t I realize now, in p u t t i n g Rhody d o w n o n p a p e r , t h a t g o o d , t a n g i b l e t h i n g s grew o u t of o u r t r u n c a t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p . If I h a d n o t seen a n d a c t e d o n t h a t n o t e a b o u t m e n a n d watches in t h e b a c k of h e r copy of t h e Virago p a p e r b a c k , I w o u l d p r o b a b l y n o t have h a d t h e later idea of writing s m u t t y e x p o s t u l a t i o n s in p a p e r b a c k s j u s t before w o m e n browsed t h e m , a n d if I h a d n ' t t h o u g h t of that, I p r o b a b l y w o u l d n ' t have conceived of u s i n g t h e Fold as a rotter's r e t r e a t a n d leaving t h e o u t c o m e w h e r e a w o m a n m i g h t find it. I n a way, Rhody's s p u r n i n g t h e glimpse I h a d 185
NICHOLSON
BAKER
given h e r of m y secret freed m e to investigate its p o t e n t i a l further. After t h e t i m e o n t h e C a p e , I wrote a little m o r e : o n e story a b o u t a n a k e d w o m a n s u s p e n d e d above o n e l a n e of t h e Calla h a n t u n n e l o n a black r o p e t r a p e z e n e t d u r i n g r u s h h o u r , l o o k i n g d o w n t h r o u g h its s q u a r e m e s h at t h e cars filing slowly b e n e a t h h e r a n d pissing generously o n t h e m as their m o o n roofs slid o p e n ; o n e story a b o u t a m a n t e a c h i n g a y o u n g w o m a n to t o u c h - t y p e o n his a n t i q u e Oliver N o . 9 m a n u a l typewriter, h o l d i n g his h a n d s over h e r h a n d s a n d closing his eyes a n d feeling h e r fingers sink o n e by o n e into t h e d e e p c o u n t e r w e i g h t e d letters a n d k n o w i n g she was spelling H-I-P-S a n d b e i n g u n a b l e to resist p u t t i n g his h a n d s o n h e r hips, t h e n feeling h e r fingers type B-R-E-A-S-T-S o n t h e r o u n d black c u p l i k e keys a n d b e i n g u n a b l e to resist p a l m i n g h e r breasts a n d p u l l i n g h e r b a c k against h i m ; o n e story a b o u t a g r o u p of scuba-diving C a r i b b e a n tourists c o r r u p t i n g t h e angelfish with aerosol c a n s of c h e d d a r cheese, s o m e t i m e s m a k i n g cheese h e a r t s in t h e w a t e r t h a t t h e fish t h e n m o m e n t a r i l y e c h o e d as they fed, s o m e t i m e s s q u i r t i n g it o n wet-suited a r m s o r breasts a n d l e t t i n g t h e fish n i p it off; o n e a b o u t a w o m a n letting h e r p e t h e r m i t c r a b walk lightly all over h e r back while she r e a d Barron's a n d d r e a m e d of blue-eyed m e n with t o n s of money; o n e a b o u t several caves of stalagmites, e a c h o n e a different color, that, w h e n b r o k e n off a n d inserted into a vadge, glowed, t h e i r s t u m p s r e l e a s i n g bidet-like streams of w a r m s u b t e r r a n e a n m i n e r a l water. I s p e n t s o m e p e r s o n a l t i m e with A m i P r o a n d a c o p i e r a n d s a d d l e - b o u n d a n u m b e r of copies of these several stories, a l o n g with t h e o n e a b o u t M a r i a n a n d t h e ridem lawn-mower, in p a m p h l e t form, u s i n g as a cover t h e p a l e b l u e cover of s o m e t h i n g called Tales of French Love and Passion—a 186
heavily
THE
FERMATA
ironic reissue of a cheesy 1936 e d i t i o n of several mildly
risqué
stories by Guy d e M a u p a s s a n t t h a t I h a d o r d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e Archie M c P h e e catalog. I left my h o m e m a d e b o o k l e t in lots of places—in copies of Self a n d The American Scholar j u s t b e f o r e they were shoved t h r o u g h mail-slots, in w o m e n ' s b a t h r o o m s at d a n c e clubs, u n d e r t h e G i d e o n ' s Bible in several r o o m s of the M é r i d i e n H o t e l , o n coffee tables d u r i n g cocktail parties, inserted in t h e library's Encyclopedia of Philosophy in t h e article o n "Life, M e a n i n g a n d V a l u e o f " — b u t n o t h i n g r e s u l t e d from all this effort t h a t was anywhere n e a r as e x c i t i n g to m e as t h e simple sight of Michelle, t h e C a p e C o d w o m a n , d u n k i n g h e r dildo in h e r b a t h w a t e r a n d s h a k i n g it off. T h e p e a k of my life-imitates-rot p h a s e c a m e o n t h e Massa chusetts T u r n p i k e o n e Saturday. I was o u t for a drive. It was a u t u m n a n d h o r m o n e levels were rising. I was idly t h i n k i n g of following t h r o u g h o n my N o r t h a m p t o n i d e a — t h e o n e a b o u t s t r i p p i n g everyone o n M a i n Street a n d , if n o t m o u n d i n g t h e i r clothes all in a single m o u n d a n d d a n c i n g o n it, t h e n at least p u t t i n g e a c h p e r s o n ' s clothes neatly in a plastic grocery b a g in his o r h e r h a n d — t h e idea of a n a k e d town discovering t h a t it was carrying its clothes a r o u n d in plastic b a g s thrilled m e . (The sight of n a k e d m i d d l e - a g e d w o m e n in t h e s t e a m r o o m s of certain c o u n t r y clubs carrying t h e i r jewelry a r o u n d in d r o o p y plastic bags, b e c a u s e they a r e afraid t h a t it will b e stolen from t h e i r lockers, thrills m e , t o o ; I have b e e n in t h e steam r o o m s with t h e m ; I have t o u c h e d t h e i r m o i s t plastic bags of jewelry.) My a m b i t i o n s a r e n o t g l o b a l in s c o p e — I d o n ' t t h i n k of n u d e n a t i o n s o r m e t r o p o l i s e s ; b u t totally t o p less M a i n Streets of small towns, especially small towns with classy w o m e n ' s colleges in t h e m , yes. I d e c i d e d t h a t if I lost my nerve a n d c o u l d n ' t go t h r o u g h with d e n u d i n g t h e w h o l e town, I c o u l d at least r e p l a c e t h e TV Guides in t h e rack at t h e 187
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s u p e r m a r k e t with m y p e r s o n a l Tales of French Love and Passion a n d w a t c h h o w p e o p l e r e a c t e d . B u t I never m a d e it to N o r t h a m p t o n . I got severely distracted by a w o m a n in a car j u s t p a s t Worcester. I was driving in t h e slow l a n e . My window was o p e n ; t h e car was b o o m i n g with air noise. My left (wristwatched) a r m was o u t s i d e ; I was m a k i n g my h a n d i n t o a w i n g s h a p e to see w h e t h e r I c o u l d c r e a t e lift, a n d m a k i n g it dive a n d climb against t h e wind. A w o m a n driving a small b l u e car a p p e a r e d in t h e rear-view m i r r o r . N o e x p r e s s i o n is as impassive as a w o m a n ' s seen in a rear-view m i r r o r : it has a n impassiveness so i m p a r t i a l a n d c o m p r e h e n s i v e t h a t it cries o u t to b e surprised. S h e was g o i n g faster t h a n I was a n d impassively b e g a n to pass m e ; I lost sight of h e r for a m i n u t e as she e n t e r e d t h a t place w h e r e p a s s i n g cars d o n ' t exist—a k i n d of Fold-effect of t h e r e a r - a n d side-view m i r r o r s . I a c c e l e r a t e d very slightly, so t h a t w h e n she d i d pass, it w o u l d take longer. I h a d only seen h e r face for a n instant, in fact I h a d only h a d t i m e to notice t h a t s h e was a w o m a n of twenty o r so with lots of thickly wavy m u l t i h u e d fair h a i r driving a l o n e , b u t my very sketchy simplis tic sense of h e r w i n d s h i e l d e d face m e r g e d with my equally simplistic sense of t h e h e a d l i g h t s of h e r unflashy b l u e car to t u r n h e r instantly i n t o a well-developed c h a r a c t e r in my imag i n a t i o n . As she invisibly p u l l e d closer to m e in t h e fast lane a n d I h e a r d h e r tires s i n g i n g a n d sensed h o w close she was to m e , t h e i d e a t h a t she was s o o n g o i n g to pass m e b e c a m e swoonsomely powerful: t h e s t e e r i n g wheel s e e m e d to b e c o m e flexible
a n d e x p a n d in w i d e n i n g ripples; I felt t h a t I was a
glowing l u m p of s o m e t h i n g m e l t i n g o n t h e fly. I c o u l d n o t believe t h a t in a m a t t e r of thirty s e c o n d s o r so this p e r s o n was g o i n g t o p u l l u p n e x t to m e a n d t h a t I w o u l d b e able to look over at her; w h e n she d i d I felt I w o u l d s h o u t o r weep. 188
THE
FERMATA
At t h e s a m e t i m e I felt a b l i p of self-irritable disgust at t h e astonishing p o t e n c y of these car-crushes a n d at h o w m u c h m e n t a l air-time they c o n s u m e d w h e n I drove. It was insane to think t h a t s o m e o n e was m o r e w o n d e r f u l a n d mysterious j u s t because she was p a s s i n g m e in h e r car. W h a t c o u l d b e m o r e c o m m o n t h a n two p e o p l e driving nearly side by side o n a highway, o n e d r a w i n g a b r e a s t of t h e o t h e r ? W h y c o u l d n ' t I j u s t relax a n d let h e r pass m e w i t h o u t falling in total t e m p love with her? A n d yet t h a t was w h a t was g o i n g o n — a n d maybe it was g o i n g o n for her, t o o : m a y b e she was listening to Terry Gross o n N a t i o n a l Public R a d i o a n d barely r e g i s t e r i n g that s o m e car (me) was off to h e r right, b u t m a y b e h e r h o p e s were rising a n d c r a s h i n g addictively e a c h t i m e she p a s s e d a l o n e m a n at t h e w h e e l — m a y b e she was trying j u s t as I h a d d o n e to piece t o g e t h e r a sense of t h e lovability a n d m a r r i a g e ability of e a c h p e r s o n b a s e d o n t h e ludicrously i n a d e q u a t e i n f o r m a t i o n available—that is, o n t h e driver's h e a d , o n t h e state of origin of t h e license plate, o n t h e g e n e r a l personality of t h e car (all cars are classifiable as c u t e / p e r k y o r e l e g a n t e / mysterioso o r C a m a r o / v u l g a r o ) , o n w h e t h e r o n e h a n d o r two was visible o n t h e steering wheel, a n d o n t h e c o n d i t i o n of t h e sheet metal. As h e r d o o r - h a n d l e c a m e in line with m i n e I tried to fight t h e desire to t u r n toward h e r b u t I c o u l d n ' t ; I l o o k e d blankly at h e r j u s t as she was t u r n i n g to look blankly at m e ; t h e n we b o t h t u r n e d b a c k a n d l o o k e d straight a h e a d at o u r lanes. At t h a t m o m e n t , we were driving at a l m o s t exactly t h e s a m e speed. W e were close. It s e e m e d m i r a c u l o u s to m e t h a t we c o u l d b e in such states of seated r e p o s e , a n d yet c o u l d b e s e p a r a t e d by t h e surface of t h e highway, w h i c h was m o v i n g between us so fast t h a t if I o p e n e d my d o o r a n d tried to walk over to h e r a n d get in h e r car, my feet a n d s h i n - b o n e s w o u l d b e s a n d e d d o w n to n o t h i n g . W i t h t o r m e n t i n g leisureliness s h e 189
NICHOLSON
BAKER
finally p u l l e d a h e a d a n d p u t o n h e r b l i n k e r a n d s m o o t h e d h e r b l u e c a r - b u t t over in front of m e . (It t u r n e d o u t to b e a F o r d Escort, w h i c h always m a k e s m e t h i n k of escort services w h e n I ' m driving l o n g distance.) T h e n I saw s o m e t h i n g
riveting—a
S m i t h C o l l e g e sticker o n h e r r e a r window, with a University of C h i c a g o sticker above it. I d i d n ' t have to drive all t h e way to N o r t h a m p t o n ; S m i t h C o l l e g e was right h e r e with m e o n t h e r o a d ! B u t I h e s i t a t e d before I p u s h e d u p o n my glasses, having n e v e r b e e n t h r o u g h a full-blown c h r o n v u l s i o n in a m o v i n g car before. W o u l d it b e safe? W o u l d my h i g h r a t e of s p e e d relative to t h e highway c a u s e s o m e u n f o r e s e e n d a n g e r ? S t o p p i n g t h e universe while driving at sixty miles a n h o u r s e e m e d a n ex tremely r a s h a n d kinky t h i n g to d o . I k e p t s t a r i n g at h e r taillights. I saw h e r look u p at m e briefly in h e r rear-view m i r r o r . T h e n she fluffed h e r massive coarsely wavy h a i r so t h a t s o m e of it fell over t h e whiplash projection o n t h e b a c k of h e r seat. T h e h i g h small r o u n d c h r o m e lock o n t h e curve of h e r t r u n k l o o k e d a little like w h a t I i m a g i n e d h e r asshole m i g h t look like. I d e c i d e d t h a t I w o u l d survive what ever h a p p e n e d . I waited a polite interval a n d t h e n p u l l e d over i n t o t h e fast l a n e a n d s p e d u p to pass her. W e were o n a slight d o w n g r a d e . As I c a m e closer to her, t h e s a m e s w o o n i n g feel i n g as b e f o r e swept over m e , e x c e p t t h a t n o w I a n d n o t she was b r i n g i n g a b o u t this u n s p o k e n thrill; w h e n o u r profiles were even I d i d n ' t look over, k n o w i n g t h a t she knew t h a t I was p a s s i n g h e r a n d w o u l d n ' t look at m e , b e c a u s e t h e r u l e in highway flirtation was n o t to look o n t h e s e c o n d pass. Instead I hit t h e c l u t c h p e d a l a n d glided freely for a s e c o n d o r two right
n e x t to h e r , setting myself u p mentally for t h e disen
g a g e m e n t of t h e t e m p o r a l drive-train, a n d t h e n very slowly I p u s h e d my glasses u p o n t h e b r i d g e of my nose; w h e n I let go of t h e m t h e S m i t h w o m a n a n d I were still side by side o n t h e 190
THE
FERMATA
Mass Pike, b u t we w e r e n ' t m o v i n g forward. My r a d i o was si lent. My d o o r was n o t easy to get o p e n . I h a d to p u s h with m y s h o u l d e r to displace t h e jellied wind-flow. A n d t h e r o a d surface a r o u n d my car p r e s e n t e d a s t r a n g e sight: t h o u g h m o t i o n l e s s , it looked slightly foggy a n d i n d e t e r m i n a t e , as if p h o t o g r a p h e d t h r o u g h a Vaselined lens; you c o u l d n ' t focus o n it p r o p e r l y . W h e n I gingerly got o u t , leaving m y d o o r o p e n , a n d t i p t o e d a r o u n d t h e back of my car, I f o u n d t h a t t h e a s p h a l t was in fact s o m e w h a t resilient u n d e r f o o t ; its s p e e d relative to t h e soles of my shoes a p p a r e n t l y m a d e it impossible for t h e two physical surfaces to interact normally, a n d gave t h e r o a d t h e c h a r a c t e r istics of s o m e sort of d e n s e , even s p o n g y g r o u n d - c o v e r , like moss. T h e o t h e r oddity was t h a t I h e a r d h o o t i n g a n d r o a r i n g noises in m y ears w h e n I walked i n t o o r away from t h e direc tion t h a t I h a d b e e n driving: I s u p p o s e d it was s o m e t h i n g to d o with vectors a n d frozen s o u n d waves a n d t h e D o p p l e r effect, b u t I d i d n ' t t r o u b l e myself over it. I n s t e a d I s t r a d d l e d the white line b e t w e e n t h e S m i t h w o m a n ' s c a r a n d m i n e a n d e x t e n d e d my a r m s so t h a t I t o u c h e d b o t h n e a r d o o r s , h e r s a n d m i n e , c o n n e c t i n g u s two. I h e l d t h a t quasi-crucifixional posi tion for a time, l o o k i n g o u t at t h e hills a n d t h e cars a h e a d , c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t if I p u l l e d o n my glasses right t h e n t o r e s u m e time, my car w o u l d r a c e off driverless a n d w o u l d eventually crash, a n d I, left in t h e m i d d l e of t h e r o a d , w o u l d a l m o s t certainly b e hit by o n e of t h e cars b e h i n d o u r s . I l o o k e d t h r o u g h h e r window at her, my face i n c h e s away from h e r profile. I went a r o u n d a n d o p e n e d h e r p a s s e n g e r d o o r , which was fortunately n o t locked, a n d c l e a r e d off t h e j u n k o n t h e seat (mostly cassettes a n d several b o o k s - o n - t a p e from t h e li brary) a n d got in n e x t to her. I d o n ' t have to p o i n t o u t t h a t cars a r e e x t r e m e l y private 191
NICHOLSON
BAKER
places; t h e feeling t h a t I was d o i n g s o m e t h i n g of q u e s t i o n a b l e ethics by e n t e r i n g this w o m a n ' s small glossy b l u e F o r d was m o r e i n t e n s e t h a n I c o u l d r e m e m b e r in r e c e n t fermations. I was sweating with t h e a l m o s t horrified e x c i t e m e n t of my w r o n g d o i n g . T h e soles of my feet were w a r m to t h e t o u c h . I was in h e r car. "Well, h e r e we a r e , " I said a l o u d to myself. I c o u l d n ' t b r i n g myself to find o u t w h a t was u p with h e r breasts, o r d o a n y t h i n g m o r e radical in fact t h a n rest my h a n d lightly o n h e r a c c e l e r a t o r leg (she was w e a r i n g a h u g e thick p i n k sweater with roses woven i n t o it, a n d faded j e a n s ) ; I h a d a sense of b e i n g d a n g e r o u s l y far away from h o m e , p e r h a p s b e c a u s e t h e s t e e r i n g wheel a n d b r a k e p e d a l of my own speed i n g car were so n e a r b y a n d yet so peculiarly o u t of my reach. W h a t s h o u l d I do? S h o u l d I simply j a c k in t h e p a s s e n g e r seat n e x t t o her? I d o n ' t as a r u l e like m a s t u r b a t i n g in cars. I c o u l d get o u t a n d s t a n d in t h e r o a d a n d j a c k o n t o h e r t r u n k lock o r h e r driver-side window, or, h a v i n g rolled d o w n t h a t window b e f o r e h a n d , I c o u l d j a c k directly i n t o t h e i n t e r i o r of h e r car. B u t it w o u l d b e r u d e to get my h a r d sauce all over t h e flowers o n h e r sweater, w h i c h l o o k e d expensive a n d h a n d - k n i t , per h a p s a favorite sweater of hers. Besides, my shoes m i g h t m e l t or catch
flame.
W h a t I really w a n t e d was j u s t to b e alive in this w o m a n ' s car for a s e c o n d while she was driving it—so I c l i m b e d in t h e b a c k seat a n d lay d o w n a n d u s e d my glasses to reactivate t i m e for t h e q u i c k c o u n t of five a n d t h e n deactivated it a g a i n . It was w o n d e r f u l to b e
riding
in h e r car. She h a d
s o m e m u s i c g o i n g , s o m e t h i n g familiar, a n d I t h o u g h t I c o u l d h e a r h e r h u m m i n g quietly a l o n g with it. H e r car was m u c h q u i e t e r t h a n m i n e . W h e n my D r o p was over I sat u p a n d l o o k e d over at m y e m p t y car: it h a d drifted a little to t h e right
(possibly t h e d o o r ' s " s u d d e n " o p e n i n g a n d c o n s e q u e n t 192
THE
FERMATA
s l a m m i n g shut) b u t t h o u g h driverless for a few s e c o n d s it h a d m a i n t a i n e d c o u r s e fairly well, j u s t as I h a d e x p e c t e d . I lay t h e r e in t h e S m i t h College w o m a n ' s b a c k seat for q u i t e a while, my h e a d resting o n h e r o v e r n i g h t b a g , p l a y i n g with a wavy sprig of h e r h a i r a n d trying to t h i n k of s o m e way t h a t I could possibly b e c o m e a p a r t of h e r life. S o m e of h e r h a i r was held with a large t o o t h e d c l a m p . I grew c u r i o u s a b o u t w h a t she was listening to a n d c l i m b e d b a c k u p beside h e r a n d p o p p e d t h e t a p e : it was a S u z a n n e V e g a called Solitude Stand ing. She h a d g o t t e n only halfway i n t o t h e first cassette of t h e a u d i o version of Gulliver's
Travels b e f o r e a b a n d o n i n g it for
some music. All at o n c e I h a d c o n j u r e d u p a little p l a n . It would take time, b u t I w a n t e d it to. S h e was w o r t h it. This is w h a t I did: I walked for a l m o s t a n h o u r u n t i l I c a m e to a mall with a d i s c o u n t store, w h e r e I b o u g h t a fairly high-quality t a p e r e c o r d e r a n d s o m e cassettes a n d batteries. (Bought: t h a t is, left r o u g h l y t h e cash to pay for it in t h e a p p r o p r i a t e cash register a l o n g with a n o t e saying t h a t this m o n e y was in p a y m e n t for i t e m n u m b e r , etc., etc.) I also assembled a festive picnic l u n c h for myself at a deli a n d left m o n e y there. Several A r n o - h o u r s later, I g o t b a c k to m y car a n d p u l l e d o u t my Tales of French Love and Passion a n d sat in the S m i t h w o m a n ' s p a s s e n g e r seat. T h e n a m e I got from h e r wallet was Adele J u n e t t e Spacks. " H e l l o a n d excuse m e , " I said i n t o t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r in a lower voice t h a n I usually have, l o o k i n g r i g h t at Miss Spacks. "With t h e h e l p of my b e n e v o l e n t a u to kinetic powers, I have taken t h e liberty of p o p p i n g t h e S u z a n n e V e g a cassette in progress a n d p l a c i n g it o n t h e seat beside you. I have r e p l a c e d it with a t a p e of my own, t h e very t a p e t h a t you are l i s t e n i n g to now. I would prefer to r e m a i n a n o n y m o u s , b u t I will tell you t h a t I too a m c u r r e n t l y driving west o n t h e Mass T u r n p i k e , 193
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a n d t h a t y o u passed m e a little while a g o , a n d that, t h o u g h you m a y n o t have b e e n aware of it, d u r i n g t h o s e few seconds w h e n we were driving side by side, I d e v e l o p e d o n e of t h e m o r e i n t e n s e car-to-car i n f a t u a t i o n s I have ever e x p e r i e n c e d . I've d e c i d e d t h a t this t i m e I will act o n my feelings for o n c e by offering y o u this h o m e m a d e t a p e for y o u r diversion. Please feel free to listen to it o r n o t as you wish. Feel free to press the eject b u t t o n at any t i m e if a n y t h i n g o n it distresses you. It does c o n t a i n n u d i t y a n d sexual s i t u a t i o n s — i n fact, it c o n t a i n s a g r e a t d e a l of n u d i t y a n d sexual situations. B u t it's only words. I only m e a n to divert y o u while you drive. If my t a p e offends, please feel free to toss it o u t t h e w i n d o w a n d a c c e p t my a p o l o gies. Please feel free, please feel free." After this i n t r o d u c t o r y spiel, I r e a d a l o u d t h e story t h a t I h a d written while k n e e l i n g n e x t to t h e w o m a n in the grayg r e e n b a t h i n g suit o n t h e C a p e . Sitting so close to Miss Spacks in h e r car, in a silence thicker t h a n any r e c o r d i n g studio's, I s t a r t e d t o feel a little style-crampingly self-conscious as I got i n t o t h e m o r e g r a p h i c sections of t h e text, a n d my n a r r a t o r ' s voice b e g a n to lose authority; finally I h a d to transfer myself a n d t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r from Miss Spacks's car b a c k to my own, w h e r e , with a c o n f i d e n c e b o r n of distance, I finished r e a d i n g t h e rest of it in o n e take, m o r e o r less, w i t h o u t too m a n y flubs. It was g o o d to b e making a t a p e for o n c e , r a t h e r t h a n h a v i n g to t r a n s c r i b e s o m e o n e else's. Still, w h e n I was d o n e I was n o t c o m p l e t e l y satisfied. T h e
one-hundred-and-ten-
m i n u t e M e m o r e x t a p e was n o t full, for o n e t h i n g . A n d I felt u n g e n e r o u s in offering this b r a n d - n e w p e r s o n my old rot. I n d e e d , I felt unfaithful to her, j u s t as I h a d felt unfaithful to t h e C a p e C o d w o m a n w h e n I h a d s p r i n t e d d o w n t h e b e a c h in t h e Cleft a n d c h e c k e d o u t t h a t girl. T h e old story h a d b e e n p a r t of a n old s e d u c t i o n , a n d A d e l e J u n e t t e Spacks, w h o was 1 94
THE
FERMATA
unwittingly s p e n d i n g so m u c h t i m e " w i t h " m e , deserved s o m e t h i n g fresh in r e t u r n , s o m e t h i n g rash, s o m e t h i n g m o r e representative of w h a t I was c a p a b l e of c o m i n g u p with
right
at t h a t very m o m e n t o n t h e r o a d in h e r c o m p a n y . I ate l u n c h o n t h e t r u n k of my car, t h i n k i n g kink, kink, kink. T h e n I g o t o u t t h e Casio, which I h a d p a c k e d in my t r u n k , a n d in j u s t twelve straight h o u r s I wrote a s e c o n d set of a d v e n t u r e s for M a r i a n t h e L i b r a r i a n . I w o r k e d in a few of t h e sights I h a d witnessed in t h e C a p e C o d b a t h r o o m . H e r e ' s h o w P a r t Two went.
195
14
T JL.
O W A R D T H E M I D D L E O F SEPTEMBER, MARIAN S S E X U A L INTER-
est inexplicably a b a t e d . S h e p u t all h e r dildi a n d appliances in t h e d r a w e r t h a t h a d o n c e h e l d David's sweaters. T h e last two toys she h a d o r d e r e d — a tiny vibe, teasingly c a n i n e in a p p e a r a n c e b u t m o l d e d from a n impeccably comme il faut piece of pickled okra, a n d a g i a n t A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r S i g n a t u r e M o d e l — s h e d i d n ' t even b o t h e r to try o u t before p u t t i n g t h e m in s t o r a g e . S h e felt a m i l d s n o b b i s h c o n t e m p t for p e o p l e who d e v o t e d so m u c h of t h e i r free t i m e to solo sex-play. H e r p e r e n n i a l g a r d e n , for e x a m p l e , was far m o r e satisfying t h a n a b u n c h of pastless, futureless o r g a s m s . S h e r e a d b u l b catalogs avidly. After m u c h study she o r d e r e d several h u n d r e d tulip 196
THE
FERMATA
bulbs from Mack's. W h e n they arrived, via U P S , she gently deflected t h e eagerly scrotal leer of h e r friend J o h n in t h e b r o w n truck. It felt exciting a n d s t r a n g e to b e m o r e t h a n a sexual b e i n g , to have interests. As she l o o k e d over t h e b o x e s of bulbs, however, she realized t h a t she w o u l d n e e d h e l p c u t t i n g t h e b e d s a n d p l a n t i n g t h e m all, so she h i r e d t h e n e i g h b o r kid, Kevin. Ever since she h a d b e e n m o w i n g h e r o w n lawn, she h a d lost t o u c h with y o u n g Kevin. H e s e e m e d to have grown a n i n c h o r two. H e h a d g o n e o u t for t h e h i g h j u m p , a n d h e h a d a c q u i r e d a girlfriend n a m e d Sylvie, w h o m h e said was " a really special p e r s o n . " F o r a w h o l e w e e k e n d a n d t h r e e cool late a f t e r n o o n s h e a n d M a r i a n w o r k e d t o g e t h e r p r e p a r i n g t h e soil in t h e b e d s with b a g s of p e a t a n d t h e n setting in t h e b u l b s . T h e dirt was cool t h r o u g h M a r i a n ' s gloves. After shyly asking w h e t h e r she would m i n d , Kevin b r o u g h t over his r a d i o . At first she was a little irritated by t h e s o u n d , w h i c h d i s t u r b e d h e r b u c o l i c a l p h a - s t a t e — b u t over t i m e several of t h e songs s e p a r a t e d themselves from t h e o t h e r s . I n o n e , a w o m a n s a n g s o m e t h i n g a b o u t Solitude s t a n d i n g in t h e doorway. S h e sang, " H e r p a l m is split with a flower with a flame." M a r i a n k e p t t i m e to this song, first with h e r troweling, a n d t h e n with h e r c h i n . W h e n she h a d h e a r d it t h e s e c o n d t i m e , she asked Kevin (feeling a little shy herself), " W h o d o e s this s o n g ? " Kevin looked u p . " S u z a n n e V e g a . " " A h , " said M a r i a n . " I like it." "Yeah, it's pretty g o o d , " said Kevin. H e was i m p o s s i b l e to read. H e d r o p p e d a n o t h e r d a r k b u l b in a h o l e a n d gently m o u n d e d soil a r o u n d it. M a r i a n g l a n c e d at h i m several times. H e h a d a gray track-and-field T-shirt over a gray sweatshirt. W h e n h e p u s h e d o n t h e e a r t h over o n e of h e r b u l b s , she i m a g i n e d t h e m u s c l e in t h e side of his a r m , as she h a d seen 197
NICHOLSON
BAKER
it w h e n h e h a d h a d his shirt off t h a t day, l o n g ago, at t h e b e g i n n i n g of s u m m e r , before she h a d l e a r n e d to mow. A n d later, w h e n t h e s o n g c a m e o n again, h e l o o k e d u p at h e r a n d smiled a n d t h e n w e n t b a c k to p l a n t i n g — a n d M a r i a n noticed t h a t his ears were q u i t e r e d . S h e w a t e r e d t h e b u l b s in a n d forgot a b o u t t h e m . T h e g r o u n d b e g a n to look c o l d — t h r e e l o n g b e d s of very cold b u l b s . As winter hit, M a r i a n b e c a m e c a u g h t u p in a battle with a d e v e l o p e r w h o w a n t e d to b u i l d a n o t h e r mall o u t s i d e of town. It was g o i n g to b e e n o r m o u s a n d in its own way w o n d e r f u l — b u t t h e r e was already a s h o p p i n g c e n t e r with a d i s c o u n t c h a i n in it t h a t was w o r k i n g u n d e r c h a p t e r eleven, a n d t h e d o w n t o w n w o u l d suffer, as it always did. S h e went o u t o n several d a t e s with a m a n she m e t at t h e mall m e e t i n g s , a n d while she enjoyed talking to h i m (he was o n e of those m e n w h o have a p a s s i o n a t e interest in s o m e p a r t i c u l a r writer which at first s e e m s sincere, a n d t h e n finally e n d s u p s e e m i n g almost a r b i t r a r y — i n his case it was Rilke: h e s e e m e d to b e getting t h i n g s from Rilke t h a t h e c o u l d have g o t t e n from any n u m b e r of p o e t s , while missing whatever it was t h a t Rilke
had
u n i q u e l y ) , she n o n e t h e l e s s d i d n ' t w a n t to d o a n y t h i n g m o r e t h a n kiss h i m cordially in h e r driveway. W h e n s p r i n g finally c a m e , she w e n t o u t every day to h e r t u l i p b e d s to watch for activity. It was a n u n u s u a l l y dry h o t s p r i n g , a n d she felt t h a t she s h o u l d water to give h e r b e d s a g o o d start, b u t she d e s p a i r e d at h e r hose. T h e faucet still leaked tiresomely. T h e sprayer was rusty. W h a t w o u l d m a k e h e r b u l b s really h a p p y , it s u d d e n l y o c c u r r e d to her, was if she c o u l d get a p l u m b e r to a d a p t h e r own P o l l e n e x s h o w e r h e a d so t h a t it w o u l d fit o n t h e e n d of t h e hose. S h e n e e d e d a very light, very delicate b u t insistent spray for h e r t u l i p s — n o gar d e n sprayer c o u l d offer that. S h e also t h o u g h t t h a t t h e hose 198
THE
FERMATA
water was m u c h t o o c o l d — s h e felt t h a t t h e b u l b s w o u l d d o b e t t e r with w a r m e r water. S h e realized t h a t she w a s n ' t think i n g all t h a t rationally, b u t h e r idea n o n e t h e l e s s was: h o o k u p the g a r d e n h o s e to t h e shower-pipe, r u n t h e h o s e o u t t h e b a t h r o o m window, a n d fix t h e P o l l e n e x s h o w e r h e a d o n t o t h e t e r m i n a l e n d . O t h e r ideas of interest followed o n this o n e ; she called a p l u m b e r . T h e p l u m b e r was a t h i n derisive m a n with t h e u s u a l p l u m b e r body-smell w h o rolled his eyes at h e r p l a n , told h e r she c o u l d have d o n e it herself, b u t a g r e e d , since h e was t h e r e , to d o it for her. H e fitted t h e h o s e e n d s a n d t h e P o l l e n e x with G a r d e n a q u i c k - c l a m p a d a p t e r s so t h a t they c o u l d b e quickly reconfigured for i n t e r i o r s h o w e r i n g o r e x t e r i o r g a r d e n i n g a p plications. T h e s h o w e r - p i p e l o o k e d exotic w h e n h e was d o n e , k n o b b e d with h e x n u t s a n d a d a p t e r s , b u t t h e system w h e n tested worked q u i t e well. A n d t h e p l u m b e r , as h e c l e a n e d u p , was cheerful, p l e a s e d by n o w t h a t h e h a d b u i l t s o m e t h i n g h e h a d never built before, a n d t h a t h e w o u l d b e a b l e to tell his p a r t n e r a b o u t t h e n u t t y j o b this lady h a d g o t t e n h i m to d o . H e even showed h e r h o w to u s e Teflon t a p e a n d was expansive a b o u t its merits over o l d e r kinds of sealant. H e c a r r i e d his heavy r e d t o o l b o x o u t to his t r u c k a n d drove away. Over t h e n e x t few days M a r i a n t o o k h e r e a r l y - m o r n i n g shower a n d t h e n o p e n e d t h e window, h o o k e d u p t h e showerhose a r r a n g e m e n t , a n d t u r n e d o n t h e taps to w a t e r h e r tulips. She u s e d only t h e fine pulse-mist settings, t r e a t i n g h e r p l a n t s as she w o u l d w a n t to b e t r e a t e d herself. T h e tulips r e s p o n d e d with e n t h u s i a s m — a f t e r a week h e r b e d s were p o p p i n g with color. They knew t h e difference b e t w e e n w a t e r from a shower, m e a n t for h u m a n use, a n d water from a c r u d e leaky o u t d o o r faucet. She sat o n a n a l u m i n u m c h a i r with t h e s u n o n h e r legs, r e a d i n g The Machine in the Garden. Every so often she g l a n c e d 199
NICHOLSON
BAKER
u p at h e r tulips. S h e felt h a p p y . S h e h a d p l a n n e d this to h a p p e n a n d it h a d h a p p e n e d : she h a d delayed gratification a n d n o w she was g e t t i n g t h e payoff. Y o u n g Kevin s h o u l d see w h a t they h a d d o n e t o g e t h e r , she t h o u g h t , b u t w h e n she called, Kevin's s o u r m o t h e r told h e r t h a t h e was at practice. J u s t as well, j u s t as well, she t h o u g h t . S h e b e g a n to give s o m e c o n s i d e r a t i o n to h e r drawerful of dildae. B u t she d i d n ' t n e e d any of that; n o , s h e ' d m o v e d b e y o n d that. J u s t t h e n Kevin's little gray cat with white paws showed u p o n h e r lawn, m a k i n g u n t o w a r d noises a n d a c t i n g oddly. Q u i t e recently it, she, h a d b e e n a kitten. N o w she was clearly in heat, p r o b a b l y for t h e first t i m e — a n d very irresponsible it was of Kevin o r Kevin's m o t h e r n o t to have h a d h e r fixed! She crawled a l o n g with h e r forepaws very low o n t h e g r o u n d , m a k i n g low d e s p e r a t e mezzo-mewings, h e r tail j e r k i n g back, h e r little n a r r o w feline h i p s flaunting a n d twitching in t h e air, h e r r e a r paws w o r k i n g with quick t i p t o e steps. M a r i a n c o u l d see h e r gray-furred o p e n i n g ; wetness g l e a m e d from within. S h e w e n t over a n d pressed h e r finger lightly against t h e cat's tiny slit; gratefully, t h e cat r e t u r n e d t h e p r e s s u r e a n d tiptoed a r d e n t l y in place. T h i s was a cat in t h e grip of a new idea. W i p i n g h e r finger o n t h e grass, M a r i a n f o u n d t h a t she h a d g o t t e n h o t l o o k i n g at this c r e a t u r e ' s
fluttery
haunchings.
T h e r e was a purity a n d seriousness to t h e cat's simple wish to b e fucked i m m e d i a t e l y t h a t M a r i a n f o u n d refreshing. T h e cat d i d n ' t w a n t love—it w a n t e d cat-cock. M a r i a n was n o t a c o m m i t t e d z o o p h i l e , t h o u g h — a t least she d i d n ' t t h i n k of herself as o n e . T r u e , she a n d h e r best friend in sixth g r a d e h a d m a d e h e r friend's black L a b r a d o r s h o o t two q u i c k clear squirts of c o m e o n c e by gently s q u e e z i n g his d e n s e b u r i e d b u l b as h e lay o n his back with his legs o p e n a n d his eyes half closed, b u t o n e swallow d o e s n ' t m a k e a s u m m e r . 200
THE
FERMATA
M a r i a n was a fan of h u m a n cock, for b e t t e r o r worse. (Dogdick did still have a c e r t a i n a p p e a l to h e r , in p a r t b e c a u s e w h e n it e m e r g e d it h a d a clitoral, a l m o s t h e r m a p h r o d i t i c quality: s o m e t h i n g bisexual in h e r was t r i g g e r e d by t h e sight of it.) Mentally she a g a i n reviewed h e r d i l d o s — h o w c o u l d she have ( o n e o r two late n i g h t s e x c e p t e d ) s n u b b e d t h e m all winter? T h e idea of r u n n i n g herself a b a t h , a n d t h e n strad dling t h e cold e d g e of t h e t u b so t h a t all h e r w e i g h t was o n t h e soft place b e t w e e n h e r v a d g e a n d h e r ass, b e g a n to s e e m attractive. She c o u l d take o n e of t h e middle-sized dildi a n d swish it a r o u n d in t h e b a t h w a t e r a n d shake it off, so t h a t it waggled obscenely, a n d stick it d o w n o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d squirt Astroglide all over it. S h e c o u l d a r r a n g e herself over it, s u p p o r t i n g herself with h e r h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b , l o o k i n g d o w n p a s t h e r h a n g i n g breasts at t h e slick d i l d o as it slowly d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o h e r sex-hair a n d f o u n d its thick way u p inside her. S h e w e n t inside to d o j u s t this, b u t by t h e time she h a d actually d r a w n t h e b a t h a n d g o t t e n i n t o it, she was m u c h too a r o u s e d to d o t a m e t h i n g s in h e r b a t h r o o m . S h e got o u t a n d d r i e d off a n d s l i p p e d o n a dress. S h e h a d a new plan. She w a n t e d to have a full-fledged Betty D o d s o n i a n P C muscled clasm o u t s i d e in h o n o r of h e r t u l i p g a r d e n . She went o u t in h e r b a r e feet, s c o u t i n g a location. Kevin's cat h a d d i s a p p e a r e d . After s o m e p a c i n g a n d gazing, she picked a place b e t w e e n two of t h e t u l i p b e d s , n e a r w h e r e she h a d seen Kevin's ears get r e d w h e n they h a d talked a b o u t t h e "Solitude stands in t h e d o o r w a y " s o n g . T h e p r o b l e m was, what c o u l d she use as a stable b a s e to affix h e r dildos to? T h e grass blades w o u l d b e a ticklish irritant. Back inside, she tried a r e c t a n g u l a r black l a c q u e r tray in t h e kitchen, b u t it h a d a raised e d g e that, w h e n she p u t it o n a c h a i r a n d e x p e r i m e n tally sat d o w n o n it, h u r t h e r b u t t . S h e c o n s i d e r e d a T h a n k s 201
NICHOLSON
BAKER
giving serving p l a t t e r b u t d i d n ' t like t h e idea of its breaking; she p o n d e r e d a small plastic p l a t e left over from a p r e m i u m frozen d i n n e r , b u t it w a s n ' t heavy e n o u g h . Finally she went i n t o h e r d i n i n g r o o m a n d t o o k t h e tea service off of h e r g r a n d m o t h e r ' s brass tray. T h e tea service itself was undistin g u i s h e d , b u t t h e tray was a V i e n n e s e beauty, c h a s e d with circles of b o u q u e t s a n d thick-scaled fish a n d p i n e - c o n e s a n d mythical p a n t h e r y c r e a t u r e s in h i g h relief. I n t h e m i d d l e was a very stylized s u n — i t l o o k e d like a fried e g g — a n d this proved to b e t h e perfect surface o n which to fix a dildo's suction c u p . T h e f a m e d m a l e d a n c e r at t h e G o l d e n B a n a n a , A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r , Jr., h a d only o n c e in his d i s t i n g u i s h e d c a r e e r c o n s e n t e d to have a lost-wax m o l d m a d e of t h e trilogy-in-flesh t h a t h a d o p e n e d so m a n y d o o r s for h i m . A l o n g t h e u n d e r s i d e of t h e slightly u p c u r v e d a n d alarmingly lifelike h i g h - g r a d e silicone cock-stalk, A r m a n d e ' s own s i g n a t u r e , taken directly from t h e licensing c o n t r a c t , r a n , in s u c h a way t h a t t h e two bas-relief w's of his s u r n a m e a p p e a r e d r i g h t over what would have b e e n , h a d this b e e n his actual dick, its m o s t sensitive p a r t . M a r i a n a r r a n g e d h e r virgin A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r Sig n a t u r e M o d e l , a l o n g with m a n y of its veteran colleagues, o n a l i n e n n a p k i n u n f o l d e d o n h e r brass tray a n d b o r e t h e m o u t i n t o t h e g a r d e n . S h e p u t t h e tray d o w n in t h e thick grass in t h e c h o s e n spot, leaving r o o m o n e i t h e r side for h e r to p l a n t h e r feet. T h e r e was a slight h a z e in t h e sky, so t h a t it was sunny, b u t n o t u n c o m f o r t a b l y so. W h e n she m o v e d t h e n a p k i n aside, t h e light g l i n t e d o n t h e tray's a n c i e n t p a t t e r n , a n d , o n c e she h a d s q u i r t e d c o p i o u s Astroglide over its h e a d , o n t h e surface of h e r c h o s e n d i l d o as well—which looked o p u l e n t l y nasty p o k i n g u p from t h a t h e i r l o o m . T h e n , p l a y i n g h a r d - t o - g e t n o w t h a t she knew she h a d Ar m a n d e w h e r e she w a n t e d h i m , she w e n t for a b l i t h e little walk. 202
THE
FERMATA
She was w e a r i n g a j u m p e r p r i n t e d with b i g loose flowers a n d n o t h i n g u n d e r n e a t h . S h e w e n t to h e r m a i l b o x , c h e c k e d t h a t the mail h a d b e e n delivered, b u t left it in t h e r e . S h e n o d d e d to a bicyclist g o i n g b y — h e was w e a r i n g a k i n d of skin-tight black cycling shorts t h a t she n o r m a l l y d i d n ' t like, b u t n o w she d i d n ' t m i n d seeing his t h i g h definition. S h e s t o o d at t h e e n d of h e r driveway for several m i n u t e s with h e r a r m s crossed, b r e a t h i n g d e e p b r e a t h s of s p r i n g air a n d feeling peaceful a n d c o n t e n t , o r playing at l o o k i n g like t h e w o m a n o u t in t h e g a r d e n b r e a t h i n g deeply a n d feeling c o n t e n t , while actually p a r t of h e r was t h i n k i n g over w h a t dildic wickedness was wait i n g for h e r in h e r b a c k yard. O n h e r way back, she b e n t a n d felt a leaf of o n e of t h e p e o n i e s in t h e t r a c t o r tire in h e r front yard, very casually, giving t h e r o a d t h e c h a n c e to a p p r e c i a t e h e r s h a p e u n d e r h e r dress, a n d m u r m u r e d to herself, " H r a m , I think it may b e t i m e to d o s o m e w a t e r i n g . " S h e w e n t in a n d got t h e water t e m p e r a t u r e j u s t right in h e r shower, a n d t h e n drew t h e h o s e i n t o t h e b a t h r o o m w i n d o w a n d h o o k e d it to t h e shower spigot. O u t s i d e , she t u r n e d t h e s t o p c o c k o n
(the
p l u m b e r h a d fixed it so t h a t she c o u l d t u r n t h e flow of w a t e r o n a n d off at t h e e n d of t h e hose) a n d t o u r e d h e r side yard, s e n d i n g a frolicsome misty spray from h e r m o b i l e watersource over t h e grass a n d over t h e m o c k - o r a n g e leaves. S h e h u m m e d "Private D a n c e r . " S h e h e a r d a t r u c k drive p a s t o n the r o a d . W h e n she r o u n d e d t h e b a c k of t h e h o u s e , she s u r p r i s e d a d e e r w h o h a d w a n d e r e d by, d r a w n by t h e tasty-looking t u l i p blossoms. It a p p e a r e d to b e licking t h e p i n k h e a d of t h e A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r with its equally p i n k t o n g u e . " N o w , now, e n o u g h of t h a t ! " M a r i a n called, a n d t h e d e e r s p r a n g away. S h e g l a n c e d a r o u n d to verify t h a t she was i n d e e d in private, a n d p u t h e r foot u p o n h e r lawn c h a i r a n d h i k e d u p 203
NICHOLSON
BAKER
h e r j u m p e r , h o l d i n g it in a o n e - h a n d e d b u n c h j u s t below h e r breasts, a n d d i r e c t e d t h e c r o w n of water-jets o n h e r clit-site. T h e w a t e r was j u s t right. " O h , n i c e , " she said, w a t c h i n g t h e flow d i s a p p e a r i n t o t h e grass. T h e idea t h a t she c o u l d carry h e r daily shower a r o u n d with her, outside, pleased h e r quite a lot. S h e d r o p p e d h e r dress a n d b e g a n w a t e r i n g again, work i n g u p t h e n o d d i n g t u l i p b e d s . H e r m a r a s c h i n o tingled. She p r e t e n d e d to n o t i c e for t h e first t i m e s o m e t h i n g alien a n d fleshy sticking u p , pinkly o u t of p l a c e in t h e g e n e r a l verdancy b e y o n d t h e n e a r b e d of tulips. " W h a t ' s this n o w ? " S h e p o i n t e d t h e shower-water at it ( m a k i n g s u r e to rinse away any d e e r saliva). " W h a t ' s this sex o r g a n d o i n g sticking straight u p in m y g a r d e n ? D o e s it n e e d s o m e t h i n g to fuck?" She p u l l e d u p h e r dress. "Is this w h a t A r m a n d e w a n t s ? " A g a i n she p o i n t e d t h e s h o w e r h e a d u p b e t w e e n h e r legs, n o w t u r n i n g it to PULSE. Big d i c k - s h a p e d bullets of w a t e r t h u m p e d against t h e skin s u r r o u n d i n g h e r clit-pearl, against h e r vadge, a n d , as she r o c k e d h e r h i p s , tickled against t h e p o o r - r e l a t i o n sensitivities of h e r asshole. " O h m a n , " she said, loving it. "Listen you, if y o u liked t h a t B a m b i - t o n g u e , y o u ' r e g o i n g to love my h o t little b o x . " T h e d i l d o was u n r e s p o n s i v e . S h e walked closer, con f r o n t i n g it. " O h ? So y o u ' r e n o t sure? Y o u ' r e n o t even sure you w a n t to b e in m y h o t little ass? Y o u ' r e shy? Well, I ' m sorry, you have n o c h o i c e n o w — y o u ' r e g o i n g to have to fuck m e in t h e ass." S h e t o o k t h e b o t t l e of Astroglide from h e r j u m p e r p o c k e t a n d slid it b e t w e e n h e r cheeks a n d squirted herself with it u n t i l it trickled d o w n h e r leg. T h e n she p u t h e r feet o n e i t h e r side of t h e brass tray a n d slowly s q u a t t e d d o w n until she felt t h e K l o c k h a m m e r b r u s h i n g against h e r b u t t - m u s c l e . She d i r e c t e d t h e s h o w e r h e a d b a c k o n h e r clit. S h e d i d n ' t care if h e r dress got s o a k e d o r n o t . H e r t h i g h s b e g a n to t r e m b l e with t h e effort of s u p p o r t i n g herself over t h e dildismic pressure 204
THE
FERMATA
without sliding d o w n o n it. Finally she c o u l d n ' t h e l p herself, a n d she o p e n e d h e r asshole to its b i g h e a d a n d sat all t h e way down o n it, u n t i l h e r cheeks t o u c h e d t h e cold o r n a t e m e t a l of the tray. She r o c k e d o n t h e feeling of a hefty dickful of plea sure u p h e r ass, adjusting to it. H e r d r e n c h e d dress h u n g over h e r thighs. S h e was fucking A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r ' s a u t o graph! G o d , it felt g o o d . " H e l l o ? " c a m e a voice. M a r i a n l o o k e d u p t o see y o u n g Kevin a n d a girl s t a n d i n g h a n d in h a n d a little way off. S h e s u p p o s e d t h e girl was Sylvie, Kevin's n e w girlfriend. Kevin was looking recently showered, s p r u c e d u p a n d p r o u d of himself, t h o u g h m o m e n t a r i l y puzzled. M a r i a n saw his eyes skip d o w n over h e r e x p o s e d , wet legs. T h e two of t h e m w e r e w e a r i n g m a t c h i n g r e d - a n d - w h i t e - s t r i p e d p o l o shirts. M a r i a n m a d e a quick a t t e m p t to p u l l h e r dress d o w n a n d over s o m e of t h e sex toys n e x t to her. S h e b e g a n w a t e r i n g t h e tulips with little flips of t h e s h o w e r h e a d , as if she were c o n d u c t i n g a S o u s a m a r c h . " H i , " she said. " P a r d o n m e , I was j u s t d o i n g a little water ing. C o m e over. L e t m e t u r n this off. I h a d a p l u m b e r rig it u p for m e . Are you Sylvie?" "Yes, h i , " said Sylvie. Sylvie l e a n e d a n d s h o o k M a r i a n ' s h a n d . She was a petite, perky, s m a l l - b r e a s t e d girl with l o n g light-brown h a i r a n d a p l e a s a n t sly s h a r p - n o s e d face. M a r i a n liked h e r immediately. Kevin said, "My m o m told m e you called, so we t h o u g h t we'd c o m e over a n d say h e l l o . " " I j u s t w a n t e d you to see all these t u l i p s , " said M a r i a n . "They t u r n e d o u t well, I think. T h a n k you for h e l p i n g m e with them." Kevin n o d d e d . " I like t h e crinkly o n e s . " H e t u r n e d to Sylvie. "Last fall I h e l p e d h e r p l a n t all t h e s e . " " T h e y ' r e really really p r e t t y , " Sylvie a g r e e d . T h e r e was a n 205
NICHOLSON
BAKER
awkward silence. F r o m a d i s t a n t p a r t of t h e yard t h e r e c a m e a n o d d hissing s o u n d . Kevin's gray cat a p p e a r e d from b e h i n d o n e of t h e m o c k o r a n g e s . A h u g e g o l d e n c h e w n - e a r e d stray was o n t o p of h e r . Kevin's cat c r e p t forward a few inches a n d t h e n s t o p p e d , a n d t h e gold cat, h o l d i n g Kevin's cat d o w n a n d b i t i n g h e r n e c k q u i t e h a r d , m a d e tiny j e r k s of its h i n d q u a r t e r s , h o l d i n g its tail low a n d fluffed. T h e two animals, w h o d i d n ' t s e e m to like e a c h o t h e r m u c h , stared at n o t h i n g at all while they fucked. " O h j e e p e r s , " said Kevin. " Y o u really s h o u l d have t a k e n h e r to t h e vet, Kevin," said M a r i a n , t h o u g h she said it gently. " I was p l a n n i n g t o . " " I c a n take a kitten if t h e r e are s o m e , " said Sylvie brightly, t h i n k i n g a h e a d . " M a y b e even t w o . " M a r i a n smiled at h e r . " T h a t ' s solved, t h e n . Well!" It was t i m e for t h e m to b e off. " I ' m really glad you two d r o p p e d by. It's very n i c e to m e e t you, Sylvie." " N i c e to m e e t you. B u t c a n I ask you s o m e t h i n g ? " said Sylvie. " W h a t a r e all t h o s e ? " S h e p o i n t e d to t h e sex toys laid o u t o n t h e white l i n e n n a p k i n . M a r i a n ' s dress d i d n ' t really h i d e t h e m effectively. " I d o n ' t k n o w t h a t we s h o u l d get i n t o t h a t , " said Marian. "Okay, sorry," said Sylvie. " I k i n d of know w h a t they are anyway—I m e a n , it's obvious, b u t I j u s t w a n t to know what y o u ' r e d o i n g with t h e m o u t h e r e . A r e you p l a n n i n g o n bury ing them or planting them or something?" Kevin's ears were c h a n g i n g color. H e was readjusting his n o t i o n of his e m p l o y e r . Sylvie j u s t looked friendly a n d sly a n d curious. M a r i a n said, " N o , I ' m n o t b u r y i n g t h e m . I j u s t t h o u g h t it w o u l d b e e x c i t i n g to try o u t a few of t h e m o u t d o o r s , a n d I 206
THE
FERMATA
wasn't sure which o n e s I w o u l d want. I t s e e m e d like s u c h a nice setting, my own b a c k yard, with t h e n e w p a r r o t t u l i p s . " " C a n I look at o n e ? " said Sylvie. M a r i a n passed h e r t h e m o s t d e c o r o u s d i l d o — a m e d i u m sized clear Lucite thick-veined figurine t h a t t h e c a t a l o g called the Ice Princess. Sylvie h a n d l e d it carefully, u s i n g h e r
finger
tips, not, it s e e m e d , o u t of r e p u g n a n c e , b u t o u t of p o l i t e n e s s for a n o t h e r ' s treasures. "Sylvie," said Kevin in a n u n d e r t o n e . " I t h i n k she p r o b a b l y wants us to g o . " "She's welcome to take a look if she w a n t s , " said M a r i a n casually. T h e K l o c k h a m m e r d e e p in h e r a n e was n o w b e g i n n i n g to reassert itself; it was silencing any objections she m i g h t otherwise have h a d to s h o w i n g two t e e n a g e r s w e a r i n g m a t c h i n g striped shirts h e r fuckable toys. " C a n I see t h a t really l o n g o n e , with t h e two e n d s ? " said Sylvie. " A h yes—this is my Royal Welsh Fusilier. H e r e . " "Wowsers!" Sylvie h e l d t h e two dick-ends t o g e t h e r , j e r k i n g o n t h e m so t h a t t h e m o v a b l e foreskins wrinkled a n d s t r e t c h e d in t a n d e m . She offered o n e e n d to Kevin, w h o i n s p e c t e d it with fascination in spite of himself. "I d o n ' t exactly get why you w o u l d n e e d s o m e t h i n g this l o n g with two e n d s , " h e said. M a r i a n hesitated. "Any n u m b e r of r e a s o n s . " " O n e of which is," said Sylvie to Kevin, "if y o u m i s b e h a v e with K a r e n in any way ever a g a i n , I'll p u t o n e e n d right u p your fanny a n d m a k e you j u m p in y o u r n e x t m e e t with it i n . " " K a r e n is over," said Kevin. Deferentially h e
thanked
Marian, h a n d i n g his e n d directly b a c k to her. " W h e r e did y o u p u r c h a s e all these t h i n g s ? " h e asked, with a n air of serious inquiry. 207
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" O h , from a p l a c e in S a n F r a n c i s c o , " said M a r i a n . She was u s i n g every o u n c e of willpower she h a d to keep from an n o u n c i n g to t h e two of t h e m t h a t she h a d a massive d i l d u n g s r o m a n installed in h e r b u t t . " M a y b e s o m e t i m e you c o u l d give us t h e a d d r e s s , " said Kevin, still very serious, very g r o w n u p . " W e m i g h t want to o r d e r s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r . Right, Syl?" " Y o u never k n o w , " said Sylvie. M a r i a n l o o k e d at t h e m b o t h a n d l a u g h e d happily. " G o d it's nice to see y o u n g love," she said. " A r e you two lovers, t h e n ? " T h e y b o t h n o d d e d . "We've m a d e love thirty-two times in two m o n t h s , " said Sylvie p r o u d l y . " I n fact," she c o n t i n u e d , p u t t i n g a f o n d a r m a r o u n d Kevin's waist, "we were j u s t g o i n g o u t for a little 'drive,' b e c a u s e Kevin's m o t h e r d o e s n ' t like us g o i n g u p to his r o o m a n y m o r e — w h i c h I c a n u n d e r s t a n d . " " A h , a little 'drive,' " said M a r i a n . S h e l o o k e d at Kevin with a m u s e d s u r p r i s e — t h e e m p l o y e r surprised at t h e precocity of the employee. " Y e a h , " Kevin a g r e e d , g e s t u r i n g vaguely in t h e direction of t h e r o a d . "We'll p r o b a b l y go o n over to t h e fish h a t c h e r y . " "Well, terrific," M a r i a n said. " H a v e a glorious glorious t i m e , y o u two. I wish I c o u l d . . . I m e a n , I wish you well." She shifted a little o n t h e brass tray a n d felt t h e thick steadfast d i l d e r s t a t e s m a n issuing official pleasure-briefings d o w n h e r legs a n d u p to t h e w a r m u n f o r g o t t e n Fijis of h e r nipples. It was so fucking hard—so
h a r d to k e e p from saying t h e things
she w a n t e d to say with it d e e p in t h e r e : she w a n t e d to yank u p h e r wet dress for t h e m a n d say, " G o o n a n d fuck e a c h o t h e r silly! T a k e a g o o d look at this m o n s t e r cock j a m m e d u p my b u t t ! I w a n t you to look right at my asshole c r a m m e d with this b i g fat dick a n d t h e n go o u t a n d fuck a n d suck e a c h o t h e r a n d slam y o u r b o d i e s t o g e t h e r ! " H e r skin prickled with t h e almost 208
THE
FERMATA
irresistible wish to b e o b s c e n e . B u t all s h e said was, " I m u s t say, I envy y o u b o t h a little. I ' m j u s t sorry I c a n ' t get u p a n d see you off . . ." Sylvie was i m m e d i a t e l y full of c o n c e r n . S h e t o u c h e d M a r i a n lightly o n t h e a r m . "Are you okay? C a n we h e l p you u p ? You know y o u r dress has g o t t e n a little wet." "I know, I k n o w , " said M a r i a n , "I've b e e n w a t e r i n g every where." "Everywhere?" said Sylvie. " I s n ' t it k i n d of c o l d ? " " T h e water's w a r m . It's from m y shower. F e e l . " M a r i a n t u r n e d t h e stopcock o n a n d whisked t h e s h o w e r h e a d spray o n c e over Sylvie's o u t s t r e t c h e d h a n d . "Feels really n i c e , " said Sylvie thoughtfully. " T h e tulips love it," said M a r i a n . " I n fact, will you two d o m e a favor a n d pick s o m e for e a c h o t h e r before y o u go? As my p r e s e n t to you? Pick t h e o n e s you like most. T h e E t r u s c a n P r u n e variety is my favorite at t h e m o m e n t , b u t c h o o s e which ever o n e s you w a n t . " Sylvie a n d Kevin liked this i d e a a lot a n d set to work assem bling reciprocal b o u q u e t s . N o w t h a t t h e i r eyes were off Marian, she was free to m o v e o n t h e tray a g a i n a n d m a k e pleasure noises in a whispery u n d e r t o n e . S h e w a t c h e d t h e m circle h e r b e d s . S h e i m a g i n e d t h e m all b r e a t h l e s s a n d loving a n d wide-eyed in a shady s p o t n e a r t h e fish hatchery. T h e y were beautiful—fit,
healthy,
incredibly y o u n g — s o
inex
p e r i e n c e d t h a t they t h o u g h t t h a t t h e i r two-digit c o u r t s h i p , o r coitship, m a d e t h e m s e a s o n e d fuckers. S h e knew so m u c h m o r e t h a n they did. S h e lifted t h e s o d d e n h e m of h e r dress j u s t a little a n d p o i n t e d t h e s h o w e r h e a d b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d let it flood h e r twat-cleavage. " T h a t ' s n o t nearly e n o u g h , Kevin—pluck m o r e ! " she called gaily, w a n t i n g to risk his h e a r ing t h e irrepressible vulval surges a n d catches in h e r voice. 209
NICHOLSON
BAKER
W h e n they s t o o d in front of h e r again, h o l d i n g t h e i r tulip b u n c h e s o u t to h e r for h e r a d m i r a t i o n , she p r o n o u n c e d b o t h a r r a n g e m e n t s equally lovely a n d told t h e m to give t h e m to e a c h o t h e r . T h i s they d i d with g r e a t c e r e m o n y . " T h a n k you!" said Kevin to Sylvie. " T h a n k y o u ! " said Sylvie to Kevin. T h e y kissed. It a p p e a r e d t h a t t h e i r m o u t h s were a g o o d m a t c h . M a r i a n , w h o n o r m a l l y felt s q u i n n y a n d p u t off w h e n she was a witness to heavy p u b l i c p a i r - b o n d i n g , w a t c h e d this p a r t i c u l a r kiss with n o t h i n g b u t g o o d feeling. She was t h e p u b l i c , after all. T h e r e was s o m e t o n g u e - a c t i o n , b u t it h a d t h e license of y o u t h a n d l o o k e d like it felt b e t t e r t h a n it looked. T h e y h u g g e d e a c h o t h e r h a r d ; Sylvie's h e e l went b e h i n d Kevin's a n d she u s e d t h e leverage to press h e r blue-jeaned m o u n d into him. W h e n they s t o p p e d , M a r i a n said, " W h a t a g r e a t kiss! You two a r e obviously great kissers. Y o u m u s t b e beautiful w h e n y o u . . . m a k e love. Y o u r b o d i e s fit t o g e t h e r so well. I wish I c o u l d — " S h e s h o o k h e r h e a d ruefully, h e r h a n d o n h e r heart, a n d let t h e m l a u g h at t h e impossibility of w h a t she was think ing, so t h a t they c o u l d start to get u s e d to t h e idea. T h e n she s l a p p e d h e r h a n d s o n h e r legs a n d said, " I tell you what. If you w o u l d like to b o r r o w any of these toys, feel free. Really. I d o n ' t m a k e any g r e a t claims for t h e m — I ' m s u r e you c a n d o w i t h o u t t h e m , b u t w h o knows, j u s t for fun . . . " T h e y l o o k e d indecisive. M a r i a n e x e r t e d t h e slightest a d d i t i o n a l pressure. "Pick o n e — o r a few, e v e n . " S h e felt a trickle of sweat o n h e r back. " W h a t d o you think, Kevin?" said Sylvie. Kevin s h r u g g e d . " S u r e , I guess, y e a h . " Sylvie a n d Kevin knelt, n o t m i n d i n g a p p a r e n t l y t h a t their k n e e s g o t instantly s o a k e d in t h e wet grass. Sylvie's face, 2 1 0
THE
FERMATA
t h o u g h averted, was very close to M a r i a n ' s . " W h i c h o n e w o u l d you r e c o m m e n d ? " t h e girl finally asked, h a v i n g t o u c h e d t h e m all lightly. " M m m , w e l l — " T h i s was j u s t t o o m u c h for M a r i a n . S h e felt h e r resistance give way completely. "My c u r r e n t favorite is o n e I j u s t g o t , " she said. "It's called t h e A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r . As you may know, A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r , Jr., is, o r was, a m a l e s t r i p p e r at t h e G o l d e n B a n a n a . It's k i n d of big, actually. Almost t o o big, d e p e n d i n g o n w h e r e y o u n e e d it to g o . " " W h i c h o n e is it?" Sylvie asked. M a r i a n cleared h e r t h r o a t . " I ' m afraid I c a n ' t show it t o y o u right
now."
"Why n o t ? " Sylvie l o o k e d at h e r with i n n o c e n t curiosity. "I j u s t c a n ' t . " " B u t why?" Sylvie insisted. " W h e r e is it?" "It's in u s e , " said M a r i a n . S h e l o o k e d at h e r two y o u n g friends a n d t h e n d o w n at h e r wet dress. Kevin looked surprised. H e h a d finally p i e c e d it t o g e t h e r . "You m e a n t h a t all t h e t i m e we've b e e n h e r e it's b e e n . . . " M a r i a n took a d e e p b r e a t h . " U p m y ass, yes." " U p y o u r . . . It's n o t in y o u r . . . it's in y o u r . . . ?" Sylvie, p o i n t i n g to p a r t s of herself to clarify h e r e x c l a m a t i o n , l o o k e d genuinely surprised. "It feels super, I m u s t tell y o u , " said M a r i a n . " B u t t h a t ' s n o t the crazy t h i n g . T h e crazy t h i n g is h o w badly I w a n t to show it to you. While it's in t h e r e , I m e a n . I ' m d o i n g everything I c a n to k e e p from h a u l i n g this dress u p right n o w a n d l e a n i n g back a n d showing you h o w g o o d it feels stuffed u p m y t i g h t butt. O h m a n ! J u s t t h i n k i n g a b o u t it gets m e g o i n g . A r e you repulsed?" They c o n t i n u e d to look a little surprised, b u t n o t r e p u l s e d . M a r i a n went o n . " I ' m afraid you c a u g h t m e at a p a r t i c u l a r 211
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m o m e n t . Kevin, y o u c a n attest to t h e fact t h a t I d o n ' t normally talk this way." " S h e d o e s n ' t at all, n o , " Kevin a g r e e d . " I t ' s d i l d o talk, frankly," M a r i a n w e n t o n . "It's t h e way I talk w h e n I ' m sitting o n a b i g fat artificial dick. W h a t c a n I say? My b u t t is s t r e t c h e d so d a m n t i g h t r i g h t n o w — I wish you c o u l d see, I really d o . I wish I c o u l d show you, a n d I wish w h e n you saw it in m y ass y o u ' d take off all y o u r clothes a n d m a k e love for m e r i g h t h e r e . Is t h a t so u n t h i n k a b l e ? I d o n ' t t h i n k it's so u n t h i n k a b l e . Kevin, I was so g o o d last s u m m e r . D o you realize that? I t h o u g h t a b o u t y o u r cock q u i t e a n u m b e r of times, I t h o u g h t a b o u t s u c k i n g it a n d j e r k i n g it off—I even t h o u g h t of p u t t i n g a s p r i g of parsley in y o u r tiny little cockhole, a n d yet I n e v e r o n c e d i d anythingl A n d n o w you've f o u n d Sylvie, this w o n d e r f u l friendly o p e n p e r s o n , w h o p r o b a b l y sucks y o u r cock beautifully, a n d it m a k e s m e feel so g o o d t h a t you've f o u n d h e r — i t m a k e s m e w a n t to see her suck o n y o u r cock. G o d , I wish I c o u l d show you w h a t I have u p my ass right now. It feels so fucking h o t . " S h e p a u s e d . "See, t h a t ' s a s a m p l e of d i l d o talk." Sylvie was t h e first to speak. "You c a n show it to u s , " she said. " W e w o n ' t m i n d . " "Really?" said M a r i a n . "Well, you take off all y o u r clothes, t h e n , b o t h of you. I ' m n o t g o i n g to show you a n y t h i n g until all y o u r clothes a r e off. T a k e t h e m off." O b e d i e n t l y Sylvie a n d Kevin t o o k off t h e i r p a n t s a n d u n d e r p a n t s a n d p u l l e d off t h e i r m a t c h i n g striped shirts. W h e n t h e d a n g l i n g a n d t u g g i n g a n d h o p p i n g h a d ceased a n d they stood n a k e d in front of h e r , M a r i a n c o u l d n ' t h e l p whistling in a m a z e m e n t . T h e i r b o d i e s were so simple a n d perfect. Sylvie's flattish s l a n t i n g breasts, with s h a r p confident little suck-tips, were especially g o o d for t h e soul. Kevin's white straight penis 2 1 2
THE
FERMATA
l o b b e d a n d loitered below his tight b r o w n balls; h e h a d a D e n n i s - t h e - M e n a c e t o u c h of h a i r a r o u n d e a c h of his n i p p l e s . M a r i a n h a d to t u r n t h e P o l l e n e x o n a n d p o i n t it u p h e r dress in o r d e r to recover h e r s e d u c e r ' s c o n c e n t r a t i o n . " N o w show u s , " said Sylvie challengingly, c o n s c i o u s t h a t h e r revealed b e a u t y gave h e r power. S h e r a n h e r fingers over h e r s t o m a c h a n d b r u s h e d t h e side of h e r h a n d casually against Kevin's cock. " S h o w us what's u p y o u r . . . " "Ah, y o u ' r e such a beautiful c o u p l e , " said M a r i a n . " Y o u ' r e m a d e to fuck e a c h o t h e r . I'll show you w h e n it's t h e r i g h t time. Right now, I n e e d you to show m e h o w p r e t t y you a r e t o g e t h e r . Show m e h o w you like to suck cock, Sylvie honey. I w a n t to see your pretty lips o n t h a t h o t c o c k m e a t . Kiss it for m e . " Sylvie, c o m p e l l e d by t h e conviction in M a r i a n ' s voice, knelt a n d kissed a p a t h d o w n Kevin's cock u n t i l s h e c a m e to its head, a n d t h e n she o p e n e d h e r lips a n d let it fill h e r m o u t h . As h e w a t c h e d h e r a n d m o a n e d , Kevin's m o u t h m i r r o r e d Sylvie's. H e was s t a n d i n g with his h a n d s crossed lightly at t h e wrists b e h i n d his back, his h i p s p u s h e d forward, l o o k i n g d o w n at his girlfriend. As h e firmed u p , Sylvie's j a w was forced o p e n wider a n d h e r t o n g u e was p u s h e d d o w n , a n d M a r i a n was pleased to see h e r develop a cocksucker's t e m p o r a r y d o u b l e chin, which, b e c a u s e in reality t h e girl h a d n o t h i n g a p p r o a c h i n g a d o u b l e chin, only m a d e h e r face look y o u n g e r a n d m o r e captivatingly i n n o c e n t . " T h a t ' s so nice, so pretty, t h a t pretty s u c k i n g , " said M a r i a n , letting h e r s h o w e r h e a d d o t h e talking for her. Areas of grass n e a r h e r legs were g e t t i n g a m a r s h y g l e a m . Sylvie t u r n e d a n d l o o k e d at her. H e r eyes were d r e a m y with confused arousal. "Please show m e a n d Kev w h a t you have u p your fanny," she said again. S h e a d d e d r h e t o r i c a l weight to h e r request by stroking t h r e e times o n Kevin's cock. 2 1 3
NICHOLSON
BAKER
M a r i a n p u l l e d h e r dress u p so t h a t it was very h i g h o n h e r t h i g h s , b u t n o t so h i g h t h a t a n y t h i n g was revealed. She lifted h e r weight o n t o h e r h a n d s for a m o m e n t a n d t h e n swiveled h e r h i p s . " I t ' s all slicked u p with l u b r i c a n t . It feels so snazzy in t h e r e . I w a n t it in t h e r e always. I w a n t to show it to you as it fucks my b u t t , b u t I n e e d s o m e inspiration. I n e e d to see y o u r c u t e little asshole first, Sylvie. T h a t ' s only fair. S q u a t r i g h t over my feet—I w a n t to see y o u r beautiful b a c k a n d y o u r o p e n ass a n d y o u r h o t little asshole while you suck y o u r boyfriend's cock." " B u t — " said Sylvie. "You k n o w you w a n t to show m e everything a b o u t y o u r body. Y o u ' r e n o t a s h a m e d of a n y t h i n g , are you? Y o u ' r e p r o u d of y o u r body. You k n o w you w a n t m e to look right at y o u r ass while you suck t h a t luscious dick. D o n ' t y o u ? " "Yes," said Sylvie. " I w a n t you to watch m e sucking o n Kevin." S h e p l a n t e d h e r feet o n e i t h e r side of M a r i a n ' s ankles a n d s q u a t t e d , h e r b a c k to t h e o l d e r w o m a n . M a r i a n twisted t h e s h o w e r h e a d to PULSE a n d a i m e d t h e spray in circles over Sylvie's ass globes. " P u l l y o u r cheeks a p a r t — I c a n ' t q u i t e see you, a n d I n e e d t o see y o u , " said M a r i a n . Sylvie got two handfuls of h e r ass a n d p u l l e d u p , a n d M a r i a n saw t h e d a r k little d o t w h e r e they m e t a n d j o i n e d . S h e p o i n t e d t h e water's p u l s e straight at it. Sylvie a r c h e d h e r b a c k to get a m o r e direct hit; h e r b r e a t h s b e g a n to c o m e h a r d e r a n d m o r e irregularly t h r o u g h h e r nose. H e r h a i r b o b b e d as h e r m o u t h e m p t i e d a n d filled with cock. "That's w h a t I like to s e e , " said M a r i a n . "Kevin, I wish you c o u l d see h o w beautiful Sylvie is w h e n she sucks o n y o u r cock with h e r sexy ass all o p e n a n d c l e a n . " Kevin looked u p at h e r as she said this, a n d M a r i a n , as she c o n t i n u e d to m u r m u r e n c o u r a g e m e n t , gave h i m a brief secret show, l o o k i n g straight 2 14
THE
FERMATA
at h i m as she j o g g e d h e r tits u n d e r h e r dress a n d p i n c h e d h e r n i p p l e s t h r o u g h t h e fabric. H e r fingers were wet, so they left d a r k m a r k s w h e r e they h a d b e e n . T h e n , w h e n she knew she h a d his allegiance, she said, "Kevin, d o you m i n d if I tickle Sylvie's pretty b u t t with t h e flowers she gave you? Y o u w a n t h e r to feel g o o d while she sucks y o u r b i g dick, d o n ' t y o u ? " " G o a h e a d , " said Kevin thickly. M a r i a n l e a n e d forward a n d b r u s h e d t h e tulip h e a d s across Sylvie's s h o u l d e r s a n d d o w n h e r back. S h e s l a p p e d
them
lightly back a n d forth o n t h e insides of t h e girl's fine t h i g h s a n d u p against h e r p o p p e d - o u t clit. " O o o , she likes it," s h e said. T h e n she t u r n e d t h e tulips in a circle over Sylvie's ass hole. " D o you like my flowers tickling y o u r pretty b u t t ? I b e t you d o . " Sylvie said s o m e t h i n g affirmative a n d sucked s o m e m o r e . T h e n she s t o p p e d . S h e d i d n ' t let g o of Kevin's shiny cock, b u t she said, " C o u l d I u s e y o u r b a t h r o o m for a s e c o n d ? I ' m dying." " S u r e , " said M a r i a n . " B u t you d o n ' t have to. W h y lose time? J u s t let it go. I'll spray it away. Piss it r i g h t o u t o n m y feet." " P e e o n y o u r feet?" Sylvie e x c l a i m e d . " N o way! I c a n ' t d o that." " O f c o u r s e you c a n , " M a r i a n said. " W h a t ' s t h e h a r m ? J u s t keep sucking t h a t tasty dick a n d relax. W h e n I have a b i g r u b b e r dick u p my asshole I like to see everything. I want to see it. I want to feel it spray o u t all over my f e e t — w a r m u p these lonely toesies." S h e played t h e s h o w e r h e a d spray insis tently over Sylvie's clim-folds. " S u c k a n d p u s h , h o n e y , " she u r g e d . "It'll feel g o o d , believe m e . A r c h y o u r b a c k so I c a n see." Sylvie r e s u m e d sucking Kevin's cock. 2 1 5
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" P u s h for m e , " said M a r i a n . " P u s h t h a t piss o u t . " B u t nothing happened. " I ' m really sorry—I c a n ' t , " said Sylvie. " I ' m a little shy a b o u t t h a t in front of Kev." " A h , I see. Kevin? Y o u d o n ' t m i n d , d o you? O f course not. I n fact, you k n o w what? I ' d love to see a little d r i b b l e of piss c o m e o u t of t h a t b i g friendly cock. I b e t t h a t w o u l d h e l p Sylvie r e l a x . " M a r i a n m o v e d o n e of h e r feet o u t w h e r e Kevin c o u l d see it. " L e t h e r h o l d y o u r cock a n d j e r k o n it a little a n d t h e n p o i n t it straight at my feet a n d p u s h a n d let go. I b e t you c a n d o it." "Really?" said Kevin. H e h e l d his dick for Sylvie to aim it. " O f c o u r s e ! " said M a r i a n . " O k a y , " h e said. Sylvie g r i p p e d t h e base of his cock a n d Kevin's s t o m a c h muscles t i g h t e n e d a n d h e pressed his lips t o g e t h e r a n d forced o u t a curve of h o t piss t h a t m o m e n t a r i l y r e a c h e d M a r i a n ' s foot. " T h a t ' s t h e way!" said M a r i a n . " H o w did it feel?" "Felt g o o d , " said Kevin. " K i n d of b u r n y . " H e wiped t h e tip of his dick with his p a l m . " O f c o u r s e it d i d , " M a r i a n said. "Now, Sylvie? You know h o w badly you n e e d to let it go. Y o u know what's u p my ass. H o w c o u l d you possibly b e shy?" A g a i n she t a p p e d t h e flowers against Sylvie's c u n t . " P u s h a n d piss it o u t for m e . " Sylvie gave it a s e c o n d try. S h e p u s h e d very h a r d . After a m o m e n t , h e r tiny u r e t h r a o p e n e d a n d a clear s p u r t flared out. T h e flow s t o p p e d a l m o s t immediately. " G o o d ! " said M a r i a n . " M o r e ! " " B u t , " Sylvie objected, " I ' m p u s h i n g so h a r d I ' m afraid s o m e t h i n g else m i g h t h a p p e n . " S h e stood u p . " I really need to use the b a t h r o o m — I ' m not kidding." " O h , b u t I w a n t to see that, t o o , " said M a r i a n . "I want to see everything you c a n d o . " 2 1 6
THE
FERMATA
"Gross, n o way!" said Sylvie. Kevin d e c i d e d t h a t it was t i m e for h i m to i n t e r c e d e . " I really d o n ' t t h i n k she c a n d o t h a t , " h e said. " I m e a n , I w o u l d n ' t m i n d at all if she did, b u t . . . " M a r i a n p u l l e d off h e r dress in a quick m o t i o n . " L o o k at this dick u p my ass." S h e l e a n e d b a c k o n h e r h a n d s a n d lifted h e r knees back against h e r body. "See t h a t b u t t h o l e ? See h o w n i c e a n d tight it is? L o o k at t h a t t i g h t skin. You c a n look for as l o n g as you want. L o o k at m e r o c k o n it. C a n y o u see it m o v i n g in a n d out? F o o , t h a t ' s nice! I like to see y o u r eyes o n it." S h e looked at t h e m b o t h a n d s h o o k h e r tits for t h e m . " N o w , Sylvie, it's y o u r t u r n . I've showed you, n o w you show m e . S h o w m e t h a t tight little b u t t of yours again. See, I h a d n o i d e a y o u were as full as I a m . I w a n t to see t h a t ass o p e n right u p , j u s t like m i n e is. Suck t h a t cock of his a n d p u s h it o u t for m e . O n c e you d o that, you'll feel free to d o a n y t h i n g t h a t feels g o o d , any t h i n g you want, a n d you'll c o m e e x t r a h a r d , a n d t h a t ' s w h a t I w a n t — I w a n t you to c o m e e x t r a h a r d , b e c a u s e y o u c a n b e d a m n sure t h a t ' s w h a t I ' m g o i n g to d o . " " I really have to g o , " said Sylvie. " I ' m n o t k i d d i n g . " " I know you d o ! S q u a t d o w n j u s t like you were a n d suck t h a t cock. I'll spray you clean, d o n ' t worry. Pull u p o n y o u r cheeks so I c a n see. P u s h a n d let it g o . " Sylvie took u p h e r cocksucking squat. S h e s t a r t e d s u c k i n g m o r e Kevin-dick, b u t faster t h a n before. S h e p u l l e d o n e of h e r cheeks o p e n . H e r asshole l o o k e d exactly t h e same—tiny, sexy. T h e n suddenly h e r piss g u s h e d o u t everywhere. "Ah, t h a t ' s it!" said M a r i a n , frigging h e r clit. " S h o w m e h o w you let it all go. Release it. T h a t ' s it. Let it all g o . Feel it r e l a x . " M a r i a n whisked t h e l i n e n n a p k i n o u t from u n d e r h e r toys a n d h e l d it at t h e ready. " L e t t h a t lovely b u t t o p e n right u p for me." 2 1 7
NICHOLSON
BAKER
Sylvie m a d e a m o a n of w a r n i n g . H e r asshole d o m e d o u t i n t o a d o u g h n u t s h a p e a n d b e g a n to o p e n . " G o o d ! " said M a r i a n . " N o w stop! T i g h t e n b a c k u p o n it." Sylvie m a d e a s t r a i n i n g s o u n d . H e r h i p s rocked, a n d h e r asshole slowly closed. M a r i a n was frigging faster now. S h e let t h e spray drive into Sylvie's ass. " T h a t ' s right, h o n e y , " she c o a c h e d . " K e e p suck i n g t h a t dick. I k n o w you n e e d to let it o u t . P u s h o n it." " I t ' s really g o i n g to c o m e o u t this t i m e , " said Sylvie, some w h a t frantically. " I c a n ' t h o l d it." " I k n o w you c a n ' t h o l d it. I j u s t w a n t to see y o u r ass o p e n o n e m o r e t i m e . It's so sexy to see it o p e n u p . Let it go. P u s h now. Give it to us. C o m e o n , p u s h . " Sylvie m o a n e d a g a i n . H e r asshole d o m e d a n d
opened
wider, a n d a b i g d a r k h a r d d i c k s h a p e b e g a n to p u s h its way straight o u t . M a r i a n h e l d t h e n a p k i n u n d e r n e a t h . " O h yeah. K e e p p u s h i n g baby. P u s h it all o u t . " S h e felt t h e weight d r o p in h e r h a n d a n d i m m e d i a t e l y folded t h e n a p k i n over it a n d sprayed Sylvie clean. "Now we're ready!" she said. " W e ' r e ready to fuck, kids. C o m e o n , Sylvie, get o n y o u r h a n d s a n d k n e e s over m e . O p e n t h a t c u n t for Kevin's cock. I w a n t to see Kevin's h a r d dick u p y o u r c u n t while I p i n c h y o u r nipples. C o m e o n . I w a n t to see s o m e g o o d h a r d fucking!" B u t Sylvie d i d n ' t o b e y immediately. S h e h a d rights now. She was free to d o a n y t h i n g she w a n t e d . Boldly she lifted o n e of M a r i a n ' s j u g g y tits a n d b e n t to slap it a r o u n d with h e r t o n g u e . Then,
bringing
her
blond
cunt-site close, she
brushed
M a r i a n ' s n i p p l e - t i p over h e r n e g l e c t e d clit. " C o u l d you h o l d t h o s e tits t i g h t a n d p o i n t t h e m right at my pussy?" she re q u e s t e d , with t h e zeal of a convert. "I t h i n k I've got a little p e e left over for t h e m . " Sylvie p u s h e d a n d let a brief s p u r t spray over M a r i a n ' s mildly s u r p r i s e d breasts. " L e t m e h o s e it off," 2 1 8
THE
FERMATA
she said, a n d she took t h e s h o w e r h e a d from M a r i a n a n d sprayed h e r m e n t o r off. " S e e ? " said Marian, r e c o v e r i n g quickly. " Y o u c a n d o any thing now." "Yeah, a n d now I ' m ready for s o m e cock. I n e e d to b e fucked g o o d , Kev. Give it to m e g o o d . " She a r r a n g e d herself o n h e r elbows a n d k n e e s over M a r i a n ' s legs. M a r i a n g r a b b e d t h e girl's asscheeks a n d s p r e a d h e r o p e n . Kevin got b e h i n d Sylvie; h e s t a r e d at his girlfriend's impish twat as if h e ' d never seen it b e f o r e a n d p u m p e d his dick in his fast fist. It was a h a n d s o m e dick, n o q u e s t i o n ; watching h i m , M a r i a n felt she n e e d e d to h o l d t h a t p u r p l e stanchion for herself at least o n c e . "Sylvie?" she asked. " Y o u won't m i n d if I m a k e s u r e y o u r lover is g o o d a n d stiff for you, will y o u ? " " N o , j u s t d o it fast a n d get h i m in t h e r e ! " said Sylvie, kissing h e r own b i c e p muscle. " E i t h e r t h a t o r shove o n e of t h o s e b i g dildo-dicks u p my c u n t a n d j e r k h i m off o n t o m y asshole. Y o u r choice. B u t get s o m e t h i n g b i g u p my c u n t now!" "I'll get h i m nice a n d fat for y o u r c u n t , " said M a r i a n . S h e s u r r o u n d e d Kevin's cock with h e r right h a n d a n d r e g i s t e r e d its w a r m t h a n d livingly resistant rigidity. It felt, she f o u n d herself observing, extremely realistic. S h e s t e e r e d its h e a d toward t h e o p e n i n g of Sylvie's p i n k slot a n d j e r k e d its s t e m fairly h a r d in p l a c e a few times. "Feel t h e b i g h e a d ? " she said. "Wiggle a little for h i m . H e ' s a l m o s t r e a d y . " S h e l o o k e d u p at Kevin a n d m i m e d a licking m o u t h to show h i m h o w she w o u l d lick his dick if given t h e o p p o r t u n i t y . H e was a r o u s e d a n d slit-eyed, a n d , she n o t i c e d , h e was g a z i n g fixedly at h e r breasts. " C o u l d you please p u t h i m in n o w ? " u r g e d Sylvie. " H e ' s g o i n g to p u s h it in n o w , " M a r i a n said, giving his dick 2 1 9
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a few last j e r k s . " P u s h t h a t cock in h e r , b a b y , " S h e h e l d his shaft for as l o n g as s h e c o u l d u n t i l it d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o Sylvie's c u n t ; Sylvie was very t i g h t b u t equally wet, a n d t h e dick's l e n g t h slid in w i t h o u t b e n d i n g . " O h , fuck, t h a t ' s g o o d , " said Sylvie, s i g h i n g with relief. I m m e d i a t e l y she a n d Kevin started s l a p p i n g fast against e a c h other. " O h yeah! I like to see t h a t boy-dick s l a p p i n g in t h e r e ! " said M a r i a n , t u r n i n g t h e s h o w e r h e a d o n h e r clit. " I c a n feel it in my c u n t j u s t l o o k i n g at it! Yeah! My c u n t is so e m p t y a n d yours is so full of t h a t sweet h o t d i c k m e a t ! " As they fucked, Sylvie focused o n t h e dildos, which lay t u m b l e d o n t h e grass. T h e girl t u r n e d so t h a t h e r face was close to M a r i a n ' s . H e r h a i r was in h e r eyes. I n a n u n e v e n whisper, s h e said, " I n e e d o n e of those. Pick o n e a n d p u t it in my ass, will you? Please?" M a r i a n b r u s h e d t h e tulips d o w n Sylvie's b a c k a n d t a p p e d t h e m a g a i n s t h e r asshole. T h e n she r e p l a c e d t h e flowers with h e r m i d d l e finger, r e s t i n g it lightly o n t h e o p e n i n g . "Is t h a t w h e r e y o u w a n t s o m e t h i n g ? R i g h t in t h e r e ? " " O h , " m o a n e d Sylvie, " I w a n t w h a t ' s in y o u r ass." " H o n e y , I've got s o m e t h i n g m u c h b e t t e r t h a n t h a t for y o u , " said M a r i a n . "Kevin, look w h e r e my finger is. Isn't t h a t a p r e t t y little asshole? H a s y o u r cock ever b e e n in t h e r e ? " Kevin s h o o k his h e a d n o . H i s h a n d s were o n Sylvie's hips, a n d h e was p u s h i n g with a circling m o t i o n of his hips, m a k i n g gravelly g r u n t s . " I w a n t to see t h a t dick u p t h a t g o r g e o u s little b u t t . T h a t okay with you, Sylvie? Y o u w a n t y o u r h o n e y ' s b i g b u r n i n g dick u p y o u r ass? Believe m e , it'll feel g o o d . You know you want it, don't you." " Y e a h I w a n t it, I w a n t it," said Sylvie. 220
THE
FERMATA
"You w a n t it straight u p y o u r ass, d o n ' t y o u , " M a r i a n r e peated. "I need it u p my ass," Sylvie p l e a d e d . "Kev, I n e e d it u p m y ass!" M a r i a n g r a b b e d t h e four-foot-long W e l s h Fusilier
and
t u r n e d it o n . S h e w h i s p e r e d to Sylvie, "Slide this u p m y c u n t . " Sylvie fumblingly obliged. " T h a t ' s g o o d . I w a n t o u r slurry cunts to b e c o n n e c t e d while you get fucked u p t h e ass for t h e first t i m e , " M a r i a n said. S h e h a n d e d h e r e n d of it to Kevin. "Pull o u t of her, baby. P u s h this in i n s t e a d . " Kevin's l o n g glossy dick e m e r g e d from b e h i n d t h e h o r i z o n of Sylvie's asscurve a n d with evident r e l u c t a n c e h e fed t h e e n d of t h e d o u ble-vibe w h e r e h e h a d j u s t b e e n . Sylvie m a d e a s u r p r i s e d s h o u t a n d a r c h e d h e r b a c k a n d started fucking a g a i n s t it. As s o o n as M a r i a n saw Kevin's cock r e a p p e a r , she knew she h a d to suck it. T h i s was h e r o n e c h a n c e . " O h , G o d , t h a t ' s a pretty cock," she said. " I n e e d a real dick in my m o u t h for a second, j u s t for a second. C o m e over h e r e for a s e c o n d , baby. Sylvie, h e n e e d s to b e s u p e r stiff for y o u r t i g h t little b u t t . Y o u d o n ' t m i n d if I get his dick g o o d a n d stiff for you with my t o n g u e , d o you? I ' m sorry, b u t I j u s t have to suck o n this dick." "Suck h i m ! " said Sylvie. " O o h , G o d , suck h i m stiff for m e . J u s t h u r r y a n d get s o m e t h i n g b i g u p my ass. I ' m so h o t for it." She circled M a r i a n ' s clit with h e r e n d of t h e Fusilier, g a z i n g at t h e base of t h e K l o c k h a m m e r b u r i e d in t h e o l d e r w o m a n ' s ass. Marian, h e r m o u t h stuffed with p u r p l e cock, g r o a n e d a n d o p e n e d h e r legs for t h e p l e a s u r e . As Sylvie felt Kevin j a b b i n g t h e o t h e r W e l s h - h e a d in a n d o u t of h e r own b u z z i n g cunt-lips, she r e a c h e d b a c k a n d s p r e a d h e r asscheeks o p e n a n d said, " T h a t ' s e n o u g h . S t o p sucking my boyfriend's dick a n d get it in my ass!" M a r i a n p u l l e d h e r m o u t h off of Kevin's dick. 221
"Okay,
NICHOLSON
BAKER
sweetie, it's ready for y o u . " S h e squirted l u b e o n Sylvie's ass h o l e . T h e squirt b o t t l e m a d e r u d e noises, b u t n o b o d y cared. S h e p u l l e d Kevin i n t o p o s i t i o n by his cock a n d t a p p e d t h e h e a d of his dick o n Sylvie's now-sloppy asscrack, circling it over t h e o p e n i n g . T h e n she p o i n t e d it a n d h e l d it still. "Okay, p u s h in slow, Kevin. O p e n u p for h i m , Sylvie. H e ' s g o i n g i n . " " P u s h it in m e ! F u c k this ass!" cried Sylvie. M a r i a n h e l d Kevin's cockshaft while it b e g a n to drive slowly in. I t b e n t a little as h e p u t his weight b e h i n d it; t h e n , as Sylvie r e l a x e d for h i m , it s t r a i g h t e n e d o u t a n d filled h e r . " T h e r e h e g o e s , " said M a r i a n . " F u c k m e with t h a t dick, o o o o o o o o ! " said Sylvie. Kevin b e g a n m a k i n g very slow l o n g strokes. " T h a t ' s it, Kevin—fuck straight i n t o h e r perfect ass—you're g e t t i n g it." M a r i a n t o o k h o l d of t h e e n d of t h e vibrator in h e r c u n t a n d s t a r t e d p u l l i n g it in a n d o u t in r h y t h m with Kevin's steady dick-thrusts. Its l e n g t h curved u p a n d d i s a p p e a r e d into Sylvie's clim. S h e kissed Sylvie o n t h e s h o u l d e r . " G o d , I like b e i n g c o n n e c t e d to y o u r sexy pussy, sweetie!" she said. Sylvie was l o o k i n g straight a h e a d , t a k i n g little b r e a t h s as she p u s h e d b a c k o n Kevin's thickness. "You like h i m in y o u r ass, d o n ' t y o u ? " M a r i a n asked h e r . " I like h i m to fuck m e h a r d ! " said Sylvie. " F u c k my h o t ass, Kev. I ' m g e t t i n g closer to t h e smiley face!" She looked at M a r i a n . " T h a t ' s w h a t we say w h e n we're g o i n g to c o m e s o o n , " she breathlessly e x p l a i n e d . M a r i a n s p r a n g i n t o action. " H o l d o n , t h o u g h — o n e last t h i n g . " S h e picked u p t h e little okra-sized d i l d o a n d slipped it over h e r m i d d l e finger a n d squirted s o m e Astroglide o n it. " C a n I p u t this in Kevin's ass?" she whispered. " I w a n t to feel h i m fucking y o u w h e n you c o m e . C a n I ? " Sylvie blew u p o n h e r b a n g s a n d n o d d e d . "Just h u r r y . " 222
THE
FERMATA
M a r i a n flicked t h e okra-dick over Sylvie's n i p p l e s a n d t h e n d r a g g e d it d o w n Kevin's ribs a n d slid a r o u n d to t h e b a s e of his back a n d g r i p p e d t h e n e a r c h e e k of his ass, so t h a t h e r f o u r fingers were n e a r his asshole. " W h a t a r e you d o i n g ? " Kevin said, freezing suddenly. " I ' m p u t t i n g s o m e o k r a u p y o u r ass so you w o n ' t feel left o u t , " said M a r i a n . " I w a n t to h e l p you fuck Sylvie. I w a n t t o feel you fucking h e r ass, a n d I w a n t y o u r asshole to feel you fucking her asshole. D o n ' t t r o u b l e yourself—just let it in a n d keep fucking." " L e t h e r d o it, Kev!" Sylvie called earnestly. Kevin o v e r c a m e his u n c e r t a i n t y a n d r e s u m e d his slow, d e liberate ass-fucking. B u t now, e a c h t i m e h e p u l l e d o u t for t h e n e x t thrust, M a r i a n drove t h e okra-dick a little f a r t h e r i n t o his r e l u c t a n t m a l e h o l e . H e s e e m e d to like it m o r e after a m i n u t e o r two, a n d as h e b e g a n to get his o w n b u t t in gear, M a r i a n started u r g i n g a n d g u i d i n g his m o v e m e n t s , m a k i n g h i m g o a little faster, g e t t i n g h i m to a n g l e his thrusts, t h e way she knew Sylvie w a n t e d it. Every p u s h h e m a d e m a d e his h i g h - j u m p e r ' s maximus-muscles b u n c h memorably u n d e r Marian's c u p p i n g h a n d . "See h o w she likes it faster?" M a r i a n said. " F u c k h e r like this." She c o n t r o l l e d his p u m p i n g torso with t h e okrap l u g like a p u p p e t - m a s t e r a n d h e said, " O h , j e e p e r s ! G e t it u p there!" " P i n c h my n i p p l e s h a r d ! " Sylvie o r d e r e d M a r i a n in a n u r g e n t whisper. " I ' m r i g h t at t h e smiley face," she called t o Kevin. "Let's get off t o g e t h e r , " said M a r i a n , p i n c h i n g as she was told. " C o m e o n . C o m e o n , c o m e o n . F u c k h e r , Kevin! S h o o t t h a t c o m e in her. L o o k at this cock u p m y b u t t , Sylvie. C o m e over m e . O h ! O h fuck!" S h e let g o of Sylvie's n i p p l e s a n d h e l d t h e W e l s h - h e a d tight to h e r love-bean as h e r o r g a s m g a t h e r e d 223
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e necessary s i g n a t u r e s . T h e a u t o g r a p h e d A r m a n d e h a d b e e n in h e r ass for so l o n g t h a t she felt t h e biggest climax of h e r life h a d to b e well o n its way. B u t she wasn't q u i t e ready for it. S h e p u s h e d h e r breasts forward a n d said, "Suck my titbags for a second, Sylvie. Suck t h e m h a r d , bite t h e m , bite t h e m . O h shit! N o w c o m e for m e . C o m e a r o u n d t h a t h o t dickmeat." " O h , G o d ! " said Sylvie. S h e tried to suck M a r i a n ' s n i p p l e s b u t c o u l d n ' t c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e m a n d a r c h e d h e r neck, star i n g forward at t h e invisible p l e a s u r e in h e r h e a d . " T h a t ' s o k a y — c o m e for m e baby. She's starting to c o m e , Kevin! S h o o t t h a t h o t j u i c e u p h e r ass for her! Fill h e r ass with that burning come!" Marian
finger-fucked
t h e okra-dick
faster in a n d o u t of Kevin's asshole, a n d h e l e a n e d forward to take it a n d t h e n s t r a i g h t e n e d u p , lifting Sylvie by t h e h i p s r i g h t off t h e g r o u n d a n d p u l l i n g h e r b a c k against his cock. "Now, Sylvie?" h e said. " O h , fuck m e g o o d , Kev! Fill my fucking fanny!" Sylvie s h o u t e d , l o o k i n g in M a r i a n ' s eyes a n d t h e n d o w n at h e r toyfilled fuckholes. " H a r d e r ! O h , yes! F u c k m e real good, dar ling! S H O O T T H A T H O T D I C K U P MY F A N N Y - H O L E ! O H ! OH!" W i t h a n a s t o n i s h e d expression, Kevin m a d e o n e last l o n g l u r c h i n g s h u d d e r i n g p u s h a n d started to c o m e . " O H YES!" said Sylvie, feeling Kevin's cock e m p t y o u n c e after o u n c e of b o i l i n g s c r e a m - c r e a m i n t o h e r ass. " A H ! I'M COMIIINNNG!!!!!" As p a g a n p l e a s u r e s wracked h e r body, she d i d i n d e e d m a k e a h u g e g r i m a c i n g smiley face. It was M a r i a n ' s t u r n now. S h e allowed t h e idea of Kevin's s q u i r t i n g dick in Sylvie's ass to m e r g e with t h e sensation of A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r , J r . ' s in h e r own. S h e c o n j u r e d u p t h e sight of t h e d o l l a r bills stuffed in his asscheeks as h e d a n c e d 224
THE
FERMATA
with his b a c k to t h e a u d i e n c e . S h e t h o u g h t of t h e s h o u t i n g w o m e n ; t h e w h o m p i n g music; t h e sight of h i m t u r n i n g o n t h e stage a n d tossing his heavy live m e a t a r o u n d inside its black silk p o u c h as h e l o o k e d o u t at all his w o m e n . All these m e m o ries were up her ass. S h e o p e n e d h e r eyes a n d said evenly, "Please watch m e c o m e , now, you two. W a t c h my asshole a n d c u n t c o m e a r o u n d these h u g e h o m y cocks!" T h e n she t h r e w herself b a c k o n t h e wet grass a n d lifted h e r legs a n d r e s t e d h e r feet o n Sylvie's back; she let t h e m watch w h a t e v e r they w a n t e d while t h e b r u t i s h , h u n k y o r g a s m e n n o b l e d h e r body. " O h nice . . . so nice . . . so nice . . . " she s i g h e d as t h e clit-twitching ebbed. W h e n t h e t h r e e of t h e m h a d r e c o v e r e d a little, M a r i a n rinsed
off Kevin's softening cock a n d lifted herself off t h e
K l o c k h a m m e r a n d sprayed it fresh. " C a n we pick s o m e m o r e of y o u r tulips s o m e t i m e ? " said Sylvie sweetly before she a n d Kevin, dressed o n c e a g a i n in their m a t c h i n g outfits, left for t h e fish hatchery. "Anytime you w a n t , " said M a r i a n . " I love y o u n g love." Naked, r e p l e t e , she p u t h e r toys a n d h e r a b a n d o n e d b o o k o n t h e tray a n d w e n t i n d o o r s . O v e r t h e n e x t year, with Kevin a n d Sylvie's w e e k e n d h e l p w e e d i n g a n d p l a n t i n g a n d m o w i n g , h e r back yard b e c a m e t h e envy of h e r n e i g h b o r s .
225
15
T JL.
H A T WAS W H A T I FINALLY RECORDED O N T H E CASSETTE THAT
I p u t in t h e t a p e - p l a y e r in Adele J u n e t t e Spacks's F o r d Escort in p l a c e of S u z a n n e Vega's Solitude Standing. I t — P a r t T w o — was sixteen single-spaced p a g e s l o n g , a n d it took, in a d d i t i o n to t h e twelve l o n g h o u r s a n d two fiercely snuffling o r g a s m s I d e v o t e d to its c o m p o s i t i o n , a n o t h e r two h o u r s to r e c o r d o n t a p e . (I let b o t h of my c o m e s h o t s h o p o u t directly o n t o the hazily i n d e t e r m i n a t e Mass T u r n p i k e , my b o t t o m s c o o c h e d forward o n t h e h o o d of m y c a r so t h a t my r i c h a r d m a d e a sort of h o o d o r n a m e n t . U n a b l e to e n d u r e t h e physically p a r a d o x i cal c o n t a c t of a surface g o i n g sixty miles a n h o u r faster t h a n they were, t h e s p e r m - d r o p s b e g a n to sizzle o n t h e roadway 226
THE
FERMATA
after a few m i n u t e s ; they h a d v a p o r i z e d c o m p l e t e l y in less t h a n half a n h o u r . ) W h e n I was d o n e r e c o r d i n g I d i d n ' t feel e x h a u s t e d — I felt exhilarated. My r i g h t wrist h u r t a l o t — t h i s m a r k e d , if I ' m n o t mistaken, t h e b e g i n n i n g of m y c a r p a l t u n n e l p r o b l e m , which has b o t h e r e d m e o n a n d off since. It isn't clear to m e n o w why M a r i a n ' s a d v e n t u r e s e n d e d u p b e i n g so u n r e m i t t i n g l y a n e - o r i e n t e d in c o n t e n t — I like to t h i n k it was j u s t a m a t t e r of m o o d . After all, I h a d n e v e r typed t h e word butthole before in my life. It isn't a w o r d t h a t c o m e s u p m u c h in business c o r r e s p o n d e n c e . Private coarseness is a known high. W h a t was j u s t as i m p o r t a n t , I w a n t e d to m i n i m i z e the c h a n c e t h a t this S m i t h C o l l e g e w o m a n w o u l d find my a u d i o t a p e d c o m p a n y t a m e , a n d a n a n u s o r two livens u p any g a t h e r i n g . I w a n t e d my rotterly i m a g i n a t i o n to feed r a t h e r t h a n limit hers, to e x t e n d w i t h o u t strain as far as h e r s w o u l d go; a n d I h o p e d t h a t whatever she d i d n ' t like she c o u l d filter o u t . I h o p e d t h a t she w o u l d realize t h a t I was a n u n u s u a l m a n , possibly w o r t h knowing. I d i d n ' t leave my gift in h e r player r i g h t away, n o t w a n t i n g to b e seen driving right t h e r e , brazenly n e x t to her, w h e n it c a m e o n . I started u p t i m e , accelerated, a n d m o v e d a few cars a h e a d , t h e n j o g g e d b a c k o n foot to h e r car with t h e universe o n p a u s e a n d switched t h e tapes. C o n s e q u e n t l y I d i d n ' t get to see h e r initial reaction. B u t I drove annoyingly slowly, f o r c i n g the buffer cars b e h i n d m e to pass; very s o o n I h a d A d e l e in my rear-view m i r r o r again. I p u t o n sunglasses so t h a t
she
w o u l d n ' t b e able to see w h e n my eyes were flicking u p to t h e m i r r o r at her. I saw h e r d o i n g s o m e t h i n g , l e a n i n g , e x a m i n i n g : I guessed t h a t she h a d ejected m y t a p e a n d was c h e c k i n g for identifying marks. (It said only MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN o n t h e label.) T h e n t h e r e was a l o n g p e r i o d w h e r e s h e — I ' m fairly sure—listened to s o m e o r all of it. S h e p a s s e d m e again, 227
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p a y i n g n o a t t e n t i o n to m e ; I D r o p p e d for a s e c o n d to verify t h a t m y t a p e was in h e r player a n d t h e n let h e r p r o c e e d . W e drove for q u i t e a while t o g e t h e r , over a n h o u r , a l t h o u g h I d o n ' t t h i n k she n o t i c e d t h a t I was k e e p i n g discreetly close to h e r . S h e fluffed h e r h a i r several times. I l o o k e d for signs of arousal: weaving, s u d d e n slowing. T h e r e were n o n e . I h o p e d she w o u l d b e so a r o u s e d t h a t she w o u l d have to stop at a m o t e l very s o o n . T o my surprise, she drove r i g h t past t h e t u r n o f f for R o u t e 91 a n d N o r t h a m p t o n . S h e c o n t i n u e d to drive west. Was she o n h e r way to C h i c a g o ? T h a t m a d e sense. S h e was p r o b a b l y in g r a d u a t e s c h o o l t h e r e . ( T h e University of C h i c a g o sticker o n h e r r e a r w i n d s h i e l d was above t h e S m i t h sticker, a r g u i n g for S m i t h ' s t e m p o r a l priority.) I wasn't s u r e t h a t I w a n t e d to drive all t h e way t o Chicago with h e r , b u t p r e s u m a b l y she w o u l d have to s t o p s o m e w h e r e for t h e n i g h t . A n d even if she h a t e d my t a p e , she was still driving, a n d driving allows for a g r e a t deal of idle t h o u g h t , a n d idle t h o u g h t is t h e perfect m e d i u m for t h e a c c e l e r a t e d t r a n s m u t a t i o n of r e m e m b e r e d distastefulness. By t h e t i m e she t u r n e d i n t o a m o t e l t h a t evening, s o m e i m a g e off my cassette m i g h t b e s o a r i n g t h r o u g h h e r sensibility, r o b e d in u r g e n c y a n d fire. A n d regardless of h o w she felt a b o u t m y t a p e , she w o u l d a l m o s t certainly c o m e in h e r m o t e l r o o m , since w h a t else is t h e r e to d o in m o t e l r o o m s ? As I drove, I w o r k e d o u t a n e l a b o r a t e p l a n of how I would p r o c e e d if she d i d c h e c k i n t o a m o t e l . As s o o n as she e n t e r e d t h e p a r k i n g lot, I w o u l d s t o p t i m e a n d pull in a h e a d of h e r a n d p a r k in a n out-of-the-way spot. I w o u l d restart time. S h e w o u l d p a r k a n d g o i n t o t h e office for five m i n u t e s a n d t h e n r e a p p e a r a n d walk to a r o o m , say r o o m 2 3 . As she was p o i n t i n g h e r key at t h e d o o r k n o b , with a semi-blank s e t - m o u t h e d face t h a t n o actress c o u l d d u p l i c a t e b e c a u s e it was so wholly 228
THE
FERMATA
a p r o d u c t of t h e certainty of h e r u n o b s e r v e d n e s s , I w o u l d p a u s e her, g o back to t h e office a n d get t h e s p a r e key for r o o m 2 3 from t h e key drawer, a n d e n t e r a h e a d of h e r . It w o u l d n ' t b e a b a d r o o m , a little o n t h e b r o w n side, b u t t h e r e w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e n o g o o d place for m e to h i d e to w a t c h h e r u n dress. I w o u l d b e deeply sleepy by this t i m e . My yawns w o u l d b e c o m i n g every thirty seconds. It w o u l d b e a b o u t seven in t h e m o r n i n g Strine-time, c o u n t i n g m y l e n g t h y o n - t h e - r o a d Foldout, b u t I would still b e n e e d i n g s o m e m o m e n t of closeness with this total stranger, w h o h a d b e c o m e my c h o s e n traveling c o m p a n i o n . I w o u l d n o t i c e t h a t in h e r r o o m t h e r e was a locked d o o r t h a t led to t h e adjacent r o o m . T h i s w o u l d suggest s o m e possibilities to m e . Still fully f e r m a t i o n a l , I w o u l d leave h e r s t a n d i n g at t h e d o o r with h e r key o u t a n d I w o u l d walk o u t a n d " b u y " (in the u s u a l informal m a n n e r ) f o u r t e e n dirty m a g a z i n e s from a newsstand a q u a r t e r of a mile d o w n t h e r o a d . I like w a n d e r i n g a r o u n d newsstands in t h e Fold a n d l o o k i n g at p e o p l e looking at m a g a z i n e s . S o m e t i m e s it's j u s t as you w o u l d ex pect: t h e thirteen-year-old kid with a fine little m u s t a c h e looking at a shelf-ful of gory horror-film m a g s , etc. B u t often it isn't so simple: it isn't like t h e c a r t o o n cliché a b o u t h o w p e o p l e r e s e m b l e t h e i r dogs. T h e m a n at t h e r a c k of c o m p u t e r m a g a z i n e s is s o m e o n e you c o u l d n ' t have p r e dicted w o u l d b e t h e r e ; likewise t h e w o m a n l o o k i n g at t h e sailing m a g a z i n e s a n d t h e m a n r e a d i n g at t h e a n t i q u e s rack. You c a n ' t necessarily m a t c h p e o p l e u p with t h e periodicals they flip t h r o u g h . P e r h a p s this is b e c a u s e p e o p l e w h o s p e n d time in newsstands a r e n ' t r e p r e s e n t a t i v e of t h e p e o p l e w h o are deeply interested in a given h o b b y o r s u b j e c t — t h e r e a l enthusiasts are o u t o n sailboats o r at a n t i q u e s a u c t i o n s , r a t h e r t h a n r e a d i n g a b o u t t h e m ; o r m o r e likely they are 229
NICHOLSON
BAKER
leafing t h r o u g h t h e m a g a z i n e s at h o m e , w h e r e they c a n re ally study t h e m , b e i n g subscribers. S o m e of t h e t r u e hobby ists d i s d a i n t h e m a g a z i n e s b e c a u s e they have studied t h e m for so l o n g t h a t t h e level of r e p e t i t i o n in t h e how-to articles has b e g u n to tire t h e m . It m i g h t often b e t h a t t h e i n h a b i t a n t s of a n e w s s t a n d a r e t h o s e w h o w a n t a taste of what it w o u l d b e like to have a c e r t a i n interest w i t h o u t actually hav i n g it. B u t t h e n a g a i n , s o m e a r e p r o b a b l y t r u e aficionados of t h e i r p a r t i c u l a r r e a l m w h o are d r a w n to t h e newsstand p r e cisely b e c a u s e h e r e they c a n see t h e i r specialized sub-passion o n display n e a r all o t h e r s : m o d e l rocketry right o n a n e q u a l f o o t i n g with Metropolitan
Home; t h e science fiction m a g a
zines only a few feet from b o d y b u i l d i n g , o r from t h o s e flimsy how-to-write-an-effective-query-letter writers' m a g a z i n e s . U n like a b o o k s t o r e , a n e w s s t a n d unifies its h u g e r a n g e of subject c a t e g o r i e s by its o v e r r i d i n g sense of nowness. It is a P a r t h e n o n of t h e i m m e d i a t e p r e s e n t , a centrifuge of synchronicity. E a c h m a g a z i n e is saying, T h i s is w h a t we t h i n k you w a n t to know a b o u t o u r subspecialty right this second, in (you scan t h e covers) J u l y J u l y J u l y J u l y A u g u s t J u l y J u l y J u l y A u g u s t A u g u s t July. My F o l d - p o w e r s a r e r e p l e n i s h e d by trips to newsstands; I find t h a t t h e l o n g e r I s p e n d in o n e , t h e m o r e cleanly a n d responsively t i m e stops for m e t h e n e x t t i m e I trigger a D r o p . So I w o u l d g o d o w n t h e r o a d from Adele's m o t e l a n d buy f o u r t e e n m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s at a newsstand, a n d I would walk b a c k a n d a r r a n g e t h e m o n o n e of t h e b e d s in h e r r o o m , r o o m 2 3 , c o v e r i n g its o b j e c t i o n a b l e p i n k a n d b r o w n coverlet with a s u p e r i o r quilt of p l u s h womanflesh. I w o u l d get a washcloth from t h e b a t h r o o m a n d d r a p e it o n t h e e d g e o f t h e bed, as if t o c a t c h t h e s c u m s q u i b s t h a t were i m m i n e n t from my b l o a t e d f a c t o t u m . I w o u l d m a k e s u r e t h a t I h a d stroked past t h e p o i n t of c a r i n g at t h e m o m e n t I adjusted my glasses. I m m e d i a t e l y thereafter, I w o u l d h e a r Adele's revitalized key in t h e lock. 230
THE
FERMATA
W h e n , o n t h e t h r e s h o l d of h e r o w n m o t e l r o o m , she c a u g h t sight of m e inside, l o o k i n g u p at h e r with surprise, she w o u l d say, " O h , sorry!" a n d close t h e d o o r . It w o u l d n o t b e t o o difficult for m e to act
flustered
and embarrassed. I would
genuinely be flustered a n d e m b a r r a s s e d . " I ' m terribly sorry— o n e m o m e n t ! " I w o u l d call loudly. "Sorry, sorry!" I w o u l d hurry outside, d o i n g u p my belt. S h e w o u l d already b e o n h e r way back to t h e office. " I t ' s my m i s t a k e , " I w o u l d say. " I t h i n k I was given t h e w r o n g key." " N o p r o b l e m , " Adele w o u l d say crisply. "I'll get a different r o o m . " S h e w o u l d n ' t w a n t to m e e t my eye. " W h a t I m e a n is," I w o u l d hastily e x p l a i n , " I t h i n k I ' m in your r o o m . T h e m a n said r o o m twenty-four, b u t t h e n w h e n I looked at t h e key h e gave m e it said twenty-three, so I j u s t a s s u m e d t h a t it was t h e r o o m I was m e a n t to have. Obviously I was very w r o n g . B u t if you h a n g o n thirty s e c o n d s I'll b e totally o u t of y o u r r o o m . " Adele w o u l d say, " T h a t ' s all
right—you're
obviously already
all settled in t h e r e . " S h e w o u l d m a k e a little l a u g h . B u t I w o u l d b e full of sincerity. "You m e a n t h e m a g a z i n e s ? I c a n pile t h o s e u p in half a second, really. I t h i n k t h a t you s h o u l d have t h e r o o m you were m e a n t to have, since it's m y mistake. I h a v e n ' t even u s e d t h e b a t h r o o m . Well, n o — I d i d use it." I w o u l d p u t m y h a n d o n my chest. " T h i s is mortify ing." Adele w o u l d reassure m e . " D o n ' t worry a b o u t it, honestly. I'll get a different r o o m . You stay in t h a t r o o m , a n d I'll get a different o n e . It's fine." B u t I w o u l d n ' t want t h a t to h a p p e n , of c o u r s e . I w o u l d h a n d h e r my key to h e r r o o m , t h e o n e I b o r r o w e d from t h e office while in t h e Fold: " H e r e ' s t h e key to y o u r r o o m , " I w o u l d say. You get y o u r suitcase o r whatever, a n d I'll get t h e right key for 23 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
my r o o m , a n d t h e n I'll b e o u t of your r o o m in two seconds. Okay?" S h e c o u l d so very easily n o t g o a l o n g with this a n d insist o n t a l k i n g to t h e m a n in t h e m o t e l office herself, a n d it would n o t b e at all g o o d for m e if she did: I w o u l d have to use t h e Fold to escape, a n d I w o u l d have to a b a n d o n h e r while she was in t h e m i d d l e of telling t h e p e r s o n at t h e desk t h a t t h e r e was s o m e o n e in h e r r o o m , a n d t h e n h e w o u l d tell h e r t h a t n o b o d y was c h e c k e d i n t o r o o m 24, a n d she w o u l d b e left with a mysterious a n d d i s t u r b i n g sexual event t h a t she c o u l d n o t e x p l a i n . T h e police w o u l d possibly get involved—awful to c o n t e m p l a t e . B u t b e c a u s e I always m e a n well, despite my sneakiness, I w o u l d b e flustered e n o u g h a n d g e n u i n e e n o u g h t h a t she w o u l d believe m e a n d accede. I w o u l d c h e c k in at t h e office a n d r e q u e s t r o o m 24 a n d get t h e key. A d e l e w o u l d b e s t a n d i n g o u t s i d e r o o m 23 w h e n I r e t u r n e d . T h e d o o r w o u l d b e ajar—I w o u l d have left it ajar— so she w o u l d have b e e n able to g l a n c e at t h e a r r a n g e m e n t of m a g a z i n e s a n d t h e w a s h c l o t h o n t h e e n d of t h e b e d d u r i n g my brief a b s e n c e if she w a n t e d to. " T h e r e , all set," I w o u l d tell her. I w o u l d noisily slap all t h e m a g a z i n e s in a b i g pile a n d cover t h e t o p o n e with t h e wash c l o t h a n d carry t h e m o u t to my n e w r o o m . A g a i n I would say, " I ' m terribly sorry for t h e d r e a d f u l m i x - u p . " " T h a t ' s q u i t e all r i g h t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d b e very u n f l a p p a b l e a n d p l e a s a n t . W e w o u l d wave g o o d - n i g h t . I n my r o o m , I w o u l d t h r o w myself o n t h e b e d a n d sigh with relief—nothing bad h a d happened! I would think that I s h o u l d ask h e r o u t for a bite to eat, since it was d i n n e r time. I b e t t e r ask h e r o u t r i g h t now, I w o u l d say to myself, before she gets u n d r e s s e d o r h a s a shower, while we are b o t h still in the c e r e m o n i a l l y friendly m o o d - e n v e l o p e . I w o u l d h o p u p — a n d 232
THE
FERMATA
t h e n I w o u l d t h i n k b e t t e r of it. T h e p r o b l e m w o u l d b e t h a t I was r i g h t o n t h e b r i n k of b e i n g perceived as a t h r e a t by her, a n d I w o u l d n ' t b e able to risk s e e m i n g sinister o r sleazy by m a k i n g any advances now. A n d I w o u l d n ' t have to. T h e fact t h a t we were in side-by-side r o o m s w o u l d feel increasingly relevant as t h e e v e n i n g progressed: t i m e w o u l d b e o n my side. I would lie back o n t h e b e d with m y h a n d s o n m y f o r e h e a d , listening to t h e s o u n d s from h e r r o o m . D e s p i t e t h e d o o r s c o n n e c t i n g us, h e r r o o m w o u l d t u r n o u t to b e surprisingly u n e a v e s d r o p p a b l e - o n . I w o u l d h e a r h e r w a t e r r u n for a w h i l e — p e r h a p s a very quick shower, m o r e likely a face-wash a n d a t o o t h b r u s h i n g . Fifteen m i n u t e s w o u l d pass. I w o u l d h e a r h e r u n l o c k several locks a n d go o u t s i d e . S h e w o u l d b e o n h e r way to d i n n e r . I w o u l d wait a n d t h e n D r o p a n d h i d e b e h i n d a c o r n e r a n d watch her. S h e w o u l d d e c i d e to d i n e at t h e l u g u b r i o u s
woodgrain-Formica-and-waitresses-with-
Early-American-bonnets r e s t a u r a n t t h a t was linked to t h e motel, j u s t b e c a u s e she was tired a n d it was close by. I w o u l d buy a local p a p e r from a m a c h i n e a n d g o inside a n d take a m e n u a n d sit d o w n s o m e w h e r e , i g n o r i n g t h e PLEASE WAIT FOR HOSTESS TO SEAT YOU sign, a n d t h e n I w o u l d s t o p m e d d l i n g with time. I w o u l d b e d e e p i n t o m e n u - p a r s i n g w h e n A d e l e walked in. T h e r e w o u l d b e very few folks in t h e r e s t a u r a n t . T h e hostess w o u l d seat Adele at a n e a r b y table. W h e n A d e l e said, " T h a n k s , " I w o u l d look u p with p l e a s e d surprise. I w o u l d say hello. She w o u l d b e carrying a copy of Mirabella, still w e a r i n g t h e p i n k sweater. W h e n she sat down, I w o u l d l e a n over a n d ask her, "After you've r e a d y o u r m a g a z i n e a n d I've r e a d my newspaper, will you j o i n m e for dessert?" A n d of course she w o u l d say yes. T h e two of u s w o u l d p r e t e n d t h a t we d i d n ' t exist for half a n h o u r . While I ate my p o t roast, I w o u l d rattle t h e n e w s p a p e r 233
NICHOLSON
BAKER
with a serious air a n d r e a d it m o r e t h o r o u g h l y t h a n I've r e a d a n e w s p a p e r in years. Finally t h e r e w o u l d c o m e a n indecisive m o m e n t after o u r d i n n e r plates were r e m o v e d . I w o u l d look u p a g a i n a n d say, "Dessert t i m e ? " S h e w o u l d get u p a n d c o m e over. "I s h o u l d n ' t , b u t I will," she w o u l d say. " T h e list looks i n t e r e s t i n g . " W e would discuss w h a t a n a p r i c o t c r u m b l e m i g h t in reality b e , p r e t e n d i n g to b e m o r e in t h e d a r k t h a n we were. T h e n I w o u l d apologize again for t h e m i x - u p with t h e r o o m s . I w o u l d say t h a t it was p u r e a b s e n t - m i n d e d stupidity o n my part. S h e w o u l d say, " I t ' s t h e s e c o n d weird t h i n g t h a t has h a p p e n e d to m e t o d a y . " " O h ? " I would prompt. "The second?" Yes, she w o u l d reply. S h e w o u l d tell m e t h a t she h a d b e e n driving a l o n g t h e Mass Pike a few h o u r s earlier, m i n d i n g h e r o w n business, listening to a S u z a n n e V e g a t a p e , w h e n all of a s u d d e n this voice h a d c o m e o n t h e speakers saying t h a t h e was s o m e o n e in a car t h a t she h a d recently passed a n d t h a t h e h a d u s e d his p o w e r s to r e p l a c e t h e t a p e in h e r cassette player with t h e o n e she was h e a r i n g . S h e w o u l d r e p o r t t h a t t h e t a p e h a d t u r n e d o u t to b e , as you m i g h t expect, p o r n o g r a p h i c . "Really k i n d of s t r o n g stuff in p l a c e s , " she w o u l d tell m e . "Kind of disgusting, actually." " H o w very l u r i d a n d suggestive a n d mysterious," I would say in r e a c t i o n , m a k i n g p e r p l e x e d noises. I w o u l d q u e s t i o n h e r further: d i d she have any idea h o w s u c h a n audiocassette c o u l d have m a d e its way i n t o h e r tape-player? S h e w o u l d say t h a t she h a d n o idea. I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I was c o n v i n c e d t h a t t h e r e were still o n e o r m o r e m a j o r p h e n o m e n a in t h e universe t h a t were as yet u n k n o w n o r were radically m i s u n d e r s t o o d . " A r e you a scientist?" she would i n q u i r e . I w o u l d say n o , with a light l a u g h , a n d tell h e r t h a t I 234
THE
FERMATA
was a t e m p in Boston, r e t u r n i n g from s e e i n g relatives in Pitts b u r g h . S h e w o u l d say t h a t she was d o i n g linguistics at t h e University of C h i c a g o . S h e w o u l d b e i n t e r e s t e d in l a n g u a g e acquisition in c h i l d r e n from b i l i n g u a l families. W e w o u l d talk quite happily a b o u t l a n g u a g e acquisition in c h i l d r e n from bilingual families for a l o n g while, since I a m i n t e r e s t e d in that subject myself. S h e w o u l d let m e pay for h e r dessert. Before we left, I w o u l d take a d e e p b r e a t h a n d say, "You have to forgive m e . I ' m desperately c u r i o u s to k n o w w h a t sort of stuff was o n t h a t p o r n o g r a p h i c cassette. Was it j u s t h i m huffing a n d puffing?" " N o t h i n g like t h a t , " Adele w o u l d reply. " I t was fairly e l a b o rate. It was a whole story." I w o u l d lean forward, i n t r i g u e d . "Really?" I w o u l d watch h e r t h i n k over w h a t she r e m e m b e r e d of it. I w o u l d n o t i c e h e r mentally p u t t i n g aside t h e first i m a g e s t h a t c a m e t o h e r from it b e c a u s e she d i d n ' t w a n t to discuss t h e m with m e . She would say, " I t was a b o u t this w o m a n who—well, t h e r e was a UPS m a n . . . " " F i g u r e s , " I w o u l d say dismissively. " A n d a n e i g h b o r boy," she w o u l d c o n t i n u e , " a n d t h e boy's girlfriend. A n d a lawn-mower." I would look a l a r m e d . " N o t s o m e t h i n g violent with a lawnmower." She w o u l d shake h e r h e a d . "So j u s t y o u r s t a n d a r d p o r n , basically," I w o u l d say. She w o u l d t h i n k t h a t o n e over. " I guess so. T h e r e were a great m a n y dildos, which is fine, I guess—whatever.
But
t h e n — I d o n ' t k n o w — g o l d e n showers? A c t u a l o u t - a n d - o u t defecation?" "Yuck," I w o u l d exclaim. "I d o n ' t m e a n , " she w o u l d a d d , " t h a t they were d e f e c a t i n g 235
NICHOLSON
BAKER
all over t h e p l a c e . It was d o n e with s o m e taste a n d refinement. B u t still, t h e r e was a g e n e r a l o v e r e m p h a s i s o n t h e a n a l side of t h i n g s , in my view." " F a s c i n a t i n g , " I w o u l d say. " A n d I ' m n o t saying," Adele w o u l d o p e n - m i n d e d l y go o n , " t h a t t h e r e isn't s o m e m e r i t to c h e c k i n g in o n t h a t p a r t of t h e w o r l d from t i m e t o t i m e . I know t h a t it's richly furnished with n e r v e - e n d i n g s . B u t to give it t o p billing . . . " I w o u l d a g r e e w h o l e h e a r t e d l y a n d shake my h e a d at t h e e r r o r of laying t o o m u c h stress o n t h a t area. T h e n , however, I t o o w o u l d b e forced to d e m o n s t r a t e my o p e n - m i n d e d n e s s . " I m e a n , it certainly d o e s n ' t h u r t to i n c l u d e it in t h e festivities from t i m e to t i m e , occasionally. B u t it's m o r e to reawaken o n e ' s a p p r e c i a t i o n of t h e u s u a l avenues t h a n as a n e n d in itself." A d e l e w o u l d s u d d e n l y start l a u g h i n g . I w o u l d look inquiringly at her. "Nothing,
nothing,"
she w o u l d
say. " S o m e t h i n g j u s t
p o p p e d i n t o my h e a d a n d struck m e as funny. It's n o t h i n g — it's n o t funny at all. It's j u s t t h a t a n c i e n t expression ' H e r s h e y highway.' " H a v i n g said it, Adele w o u l d lean forward, h e r h a n d s o n h e r face, l a u g h i n g h a r d . " O h boy, sorry." S h e would lift h e r w a t e r glass a n i n c h off t h e table a n d t h e n set it down, c l e a r i n g h e r t h r o a t , still l a u g h i n g a little. "Sorry. It's j u s t t h a t if y o u c o u l d have heard this t a p e , o n a n d o n a b o u t ' u p h e r b u t t ' a n d 'in h e r ass' a n d 'show m e t h a t tight little ass,' God. Sorry." I w o u l d l a u g h politely. " W h a t sort of voice did t h e m a n o n t h e t a p e h a v e ? " I w o u l d ask. " A very sort of straight-arrow voice," Adele w o u l d say. " N o B o s t o n a c c e n t o r a n y t h i n g . Maybe a bit like y o u r voice. Q u i t e d e e p , t h o u g h . " S h e w o u l d give m e a look a n d I w o u l d have a 236
THE
FERMATA
feeling t h a t she was o n t h e verge of asking m e if I h a d m a d e the tape. ( T h e stately p a c e of sound-waves in t h e F o l d w o u l d further e x p l a i n my altered timbre.) B u t she w o u l d n ' t ask. Possibly she w o u l d n ' t want to know t h a t I was t h e A r n o V a n Dilden b e h i n d M a r i a n t h e L i b r a r i a n . S h e w o u l d n ' t w a n t m e to b e a liar a n d a trickster a n d a sneak, b u t a g e n u i n e , s o m e w h a t fun-to-talk-to o n e - t i m e dessert c o m p a n i o n , w h i c h is w h a t I would genuinely w a n t to b e for h e r as well. W e w o u l d walk back u p t h e slope to t h e m o t e l . O u r respective keys w o u l d m a k e jingly s o u n d s . I w o u l d b e so sleepy by this t i m e t h a t I would hardly b e a b l e to stand. I would ask her, " A r e you leaving at t h e crack of d a w n o r will you b e able to have s o m e breakfast?" She w o u l d say t h a t she w o u l d p r o b a b l y j u s t get s o m e t h i n g at a d r i v e - t h r o u g h . "Well," I w o u l d say, s h a k i n g h e r h a n d , " g o o d luck with y o u r bilingual r e s e a r c h . " W e w o u l d g o i n t o o u r r o o m s . I w o u l d take a shower a n d get in b e d a n d fall asleep t h i n k i n g a b o u t light-switches t h a t g o u p a n d d o w n w i t h o u t m a k i n g a clicking sound. It would only b e a b o u t eight-thirty, real t i m e . T h e effort involved in trying to b e likable, o n t o p of t h e lack of sleep, would have completely wiped m e o u t . Two h o u r s later, the p h o n e w o u l d
ring.
It would b e Adele. " D i d I wake you u p ? " I would say n o . She would say, " T h e r e a s o n I ' m calling is, you k n o w what? I think you u n i n t e n t i o n a l l y m a d e off with my w a s h c l o t h . " I would p r e t e n d to t h i n k back. I w o u l d r e m e m b e r . "Right, of course. I was flustered." Adele would say, " I believe t h a t you h a d it o n t o p of t h a t pile of r e a d i n g m a t e r i a l . " 237
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" Y o u ' r e right," I w o u l d say. " D o you n e e d it? I'll b r i n g it right
over."
" W e l l , " she w o u l d e x p l a i n , " I ' m t h i n k i n g of taking a b a t h , a n d a b a t h is j u s t n o t a b a t h w i t h o u t a w a s h c l o t h . " I w o u l d i n d i c a t e t h a t I a g r e e d w h o l e h e a r t e d l y with this s t a t e m e n t . " T h e w a s h c l o t h is o n e of t h e m o r e versatile things you c a n b r i n g with y o u to t h e b a t h t u b , " I w o u l d say. I would tell h e r h o w m u c h I liked it w h e n I g o t s o a p in my eyes a n d I s q u e e z e d o u t t h e w a s h c l o t h a n d s c r u b b e d my eyes really h a r d with it, m a k i n g t h e sting of t h e s o a p miraculously go away. A d e l e w o u l d tell m e h o w as a child she h a d a r r a n g e d h e r dolls at t h e foot of t h e t u b a n d u s e d wet washcloths as blan kets, t u c k i n g t h e m in. I w o u l d ask h e r w h e t h e r she h a d raised h e r dolls bilingually. S h e w o u l d say t h a t in fact she h a d devel o p e d several doll l a n g u a g e s . W e w o u l d s h a r e a few m o r e t h o u g h t s o n this rich a n d i n t e r e s t i n g subject. " W e l l , " she w o u l d finally say. " H o w d o y o u w a n t to work this?" I w o u l d tentatively ask. "I c o u l d j u s t b r i n g o n e over. You'll h e a r a k n o c k a n d I'll j u s t h a n d you o n e . I t o o k a shower earlier, b u t I only u s e d o n e . " " I t o o k a shower earlier, t o o , " A d e l e w o u l d say. " B u t I c a n ' t sleep n o w . " S h e w o u l d hesitate. "If y o u ' r e n o t d e c e n t , o r you d o n ' t w a n t to g o o u t s i d e in t h e cold, I was t h i n k i n g t h a t t h e r e seems to b e a door l e a d i n g directly from y o u r r o o m to my r o o m . I'll k e e p t h e c h a i n o n m y side h o o k e d o n , b e c a u s e I ' m n o t . . . w e l l . . . anyway, you c o u l d j u s t h a n d it t h r o u g h t h e g a p in m y d o o r . " I w o u l d tell h e r w h a t a g o o d idea I t h o u g h t t h a t was. " L e t m e see if m y side o p e n s . " I w o u l d u n d o t h e c h a i n a n d the slide-lock o n m y side a n d o p e n my d o o r , revealing a second, knobless d o o r o n h e r side. "My side is o p e n n o w , " I w o u l d say. "I'll h a n g u p a n d get t h e w a s h c l o t h . " 238
THE
FERMATA
"Okay, see you in a s e c o n d , " she w o u l d say. T h e white s q u a r e of fabric w o u l d still b e r e s t i n g o n t o p of the pile of dirty m a g a z i n e s . I w o u l d fold it u p neatly, like a blank business letter, a n d k n o c k o n c e o n h e r i n n e r d o o r . After a series of u n b o l t i n g noises, t h e d o o r w o u l d o p e n a crack. Adele's eye a n d t h e c o r n e r of h e r m o u t h w o u l d a p p e a r . " S u r prise," she w o u l d say. " I ' m so very glad to have f o u n d y o u at h o m e , " I w o u l d gallantly offer. Adele would p u t h e r h a n d to t h e g a p a n d I w o u l d stuff t h e washcloth t h r o u g h . " H a v e a g o o d b a t h , " I w o u l d say. She would t h a n k m e a n d a p o l o g i z e for d i s t u r b i n g m e so late. " D o n ' t b e silly," I w o u l d say. " D o you r e a d in t h e b a t h ? I have t h e local p a p e r . B u t I guess n e w s p a p e r s a r e n o t really b a t h m a t t e r . I d o have, t h o u g h , as you saw, a stack of dirty magazines. Ah, I forgot—you have Mirabella,
so y o u ' r e all
set." "I've already r e a d everything in Mirabella e x c e p t t h e h o r o scope p a g e , " she w o u l d say. " I s u p p o s e I c o u l d r e a d it again. I d o love to r e a d in t h e b a t h . I n t h a t . . . p i l e , " she w o u l d innocently ask, " a r e t h e r e any m a g a z i n e s t h a t you c o u l d rec ommend?" I would b e t a k e n a b a c k by t h e idea of a r e c o m m e n d a t i o n . " T o b e quite h o n e s t , " I w o u l d say, " I h a d j u s t laid t h e m o u t o n y o u r — o n t h e b e d in y o u r r o o m t h e r e , p r e t t y m u c h at r a n d o m , w h e n you u n l o c k e d t h e d o o r a n d f o u n d m e . I h a v e n ' t really studied t h e m . Why d o n ' t I d r a g t h e m over now, a n d we can take a look." " O k a y , " she would say, e l o n g a t i n g t h e s e c o n d syllable with a trace of d o u b t . I would e x a g g e r a t e t h e " o o f s " of lifting t h e w e i g h t of four239
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t e e n m a g a z i n e s . It is r e m a r k a b l e , t h o u g h , h o w heavy a pile of m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s c a n b e . T h e y w o u l d m a k e a d e e p heavy r e c t a n g u l a r s o u n d w h e n I let t h e m d r o p from a few inches above t h e b r o w n c a r p e t i n g , a s o u n d t h a t w o u l d m o m e n t a r i l y r e m i n d m e of newspaper-recycling efforts a n d t h e closing of c a r d o o r s . (It w o u l d m a k e sense t h a t d r o p p e d n e w s p a p e r b u n d l e s a n d car-door-closings w o u l d b e related, since car d o o r s are in fact filled with o l d n e w s p a p e r s as s o u n d - d a m p i n g insulation.) W i t h a n air of b e m u s e d superiority, t h o u g h with a distinct u n d e r t o n e of boyish e x c i t e m e n t , I w o u l d r e a d off t h e n a m e s of t h e m a g a z i n e s . "Let's see. T h e r e ' s Celebrity Sleuth a n d Leg Show, Max, Fox, Lips. W h a t ' s this o n e ? A h , Best of High Society, Assets, Club, Hooters, Velvet, High Society, Swank, Ends,
Tail
Gent..."
S h e w o u l d ask, " W h y in t h e world d o you n e e d so m a n y ? " " I only d o this in m o t e l s , " I w o u l d e x p l a i n . "I have to have t h e e n t i r e b e d covered with o p e n m a g a z i n e s . Ideally I'd have twin b e d s covered, a n d b e able to pivot b a c k a n d forth be tween b o t h pictorial b e d s p r e a d s . " " I t s e e m s a little excessive," Adele w o u l d say, justifiably. " D o e s it?" I w o u l d ask. "Expensive, anyway," she w o u l d say. " T h i s pile cost eighty-five d o l l a r s , " I w o u l d tell her. "So it w o u l d m a k e m e feel m u c h better, m u c h less wasteful, if some o n e else besides m e g o t s o m e u s e o u t of t h e m . It's like n o t w a n t i n g to d r i n k a l o n e . " I w o u l d tell t h e story of how, w h e n I was p a c k i n g to leave for college a n d I h a d to get rid of all t h e dirty m a g a z i n e s of my a d o l e s c e n c e , I c o u l d n ' t b e a r to throw t h e m away, so I t o o k t h e m to t h e p a r k in a p a p e r b a g a n d left t h e m in a p l a c e w h e r e d r u n k s s o m e t i m e s slept, figuring t h a t they m i g h t have a s e c o n d life t h e r e . " N o w I know t h a t t h e r e are b o o k s t o r e s t h a t b u y u s e d m a g a z i n e s , " I w o u l d say. "Ave240
THE
FERMATA
n u e Victor H u g o o n Newbury. N o w t h a t ' s a g r e a t store. H a v e you b e e n t h e r e ? " Adele w o u l d say she t h o u g h t she h a d , o n c e . E n c o u r a g e d , I would tell h e r a n o t h e r story, a b o u t a t i m e w h e n I was in t h e Avenue Victor H u g o o n e S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n w h e n a very seri ous L e b a n e s e - l o o k i n g m a n b r o u g h t in t h r e e heavy b o x e s of old Penthouses. T h e u s e d - b o o k b u y e r l o o k e d at t h e b o x e s , b u t h e d i d n ' t issue store credit for t h e m r i g h t away. I n s t e a d h e called o u t to a n assistant, a w o m a n of twenty, black hair, glasses, w h o h a d b e e n in t h e b a c k shelving s o m e o l d m i n t Frederik P o h l p a p e r b a c k s , e a c h o n e in a protective plastic collector's sleeve, a n d told h e r t h e r e were t h r e e b o x e s of Pent houses. T h e assistant sat d o w n cross-legged o n t h e floor in front of t h e boxes. I t h o u g h t she was j u s t g o i n g to c o u n t t h e magazines. A n d she d i d c o u n t t h e m . B u t as she lifted e a c h o n e , she flipped t h r o u g h it, o p e n i n g it to its c e n t e r - s p r e a d , g l a n c i n g at t h e p i c t u r e , a n d t h e n closing it b a c k u p a n d p u t t i n g it in a n e a t pile. I h o v e r e d n e a r t h e fancy slipcased editions of Poe, observing all this, trying to p u z z l e o u t h e r behavior. T h e w o m a n d i d n ' t s e e m to b e m o t i v a t e d by a desire to get a look at e a c h Penthouse pet. ( " P e t " is offensive, in my o p i n i o n . ) S h e sighed in a b o r e d o r p e r h a p s r e s i g n e d way as she did it. H e r m o v e m e n t s r e p e a t e d themselves automatically. She d i d n ' t m i n d o p e n i n g these m a g a z i n e s , b a r i n g t h e m
right
d o w n to t h e b e n t e n d s of t h e i r c e n t e r - s p r e a d staples in t h e front of t h e store, in t h e p r e s e n c e of a n y o n e w h o h a p p e n e d to b e t h e r e , b u t she did it n o t o u t of interest b u t b e c a u s e it was simply p a r t of h e r j o b . W h a t exactly, t h o u g h , was she l o o k i n g for? I w o n d e r e d . A n d t h e n I u n d e r s t o o d . T h e store was n o t g o i n g to a c c e p t any m a g a z i n e o n t o w h i c h s o m e o n e h a d c o m e . H a v i n g b e e n b u r n e d in t h e p a s t by greedy u n p r i n c i p l e d m e n who tried to u n l o a d t h e i r utterly u n r e s e l l a b l e p o r n - l i b r a r i e s , 24 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
they n o w h a d i n s t i t u t e d a firm policy of flipping t h r o u g h every issue to m a k e s u r e t h a t n o n e of its p a g e s were stuck together. T h e L e b a n e s e m a n h a d s t o o d u n c o m f o r t a b l y by while all this was g o i n g o n . F o r t u n a t e l y , h e h a d n o t p e r s o n a l i z e d a single p a g e of his e n t i r e collection. " N o r have you, I take it," A d e l e w o u l d say w h e n I
finished
telling h e r m y A v e n u e Victor H u g o story. " T h a t ' s r i g h t , " I w o u l d answer. " E a c h of these m a g a z i n e s is as i m p e r s o n a l as t h e next. W h i c h o n e s d o you want to look a t ? " I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t Swank was said by insiders to b e t e m p o r a r i l y in t h e a s c e n d a n t a n d t h a t Leg Show was interest i n g a n d funny at times. I w o u l d p r e t e n d to b e m o r e of a connoisseur than I am. Showing someone your pornography collection was, I w o u l d reflect to myself, a very straightforward f o r m of e x h i b i t i o n i s m : H e r e a r e my private sexual things, it said. L o o k at t h e m , like t h e m , h o l d t h e m . As I fed m a g a z i n e s t h r o u g h t h e g a p in t h e d o o r , Adele w o u l d leaf t h r o u g h t h e m , at first attentively, t h e n less so. She w o u l d n ' t r e a c t as I h a d h o p e d . " I d o n ' t k n o w , " she would say several times with different i n t o n a t i o n s . I w o u l d p u s h a few m o r e t h r o u g h to h e r . Finally she w o u l d say, " N o . I d o n ' t g o for this. T h e skin h a s a n u n r e a l look. All t h e w o m e n look t h e s a m e . W h y d o m e n n e e d so m a n y identical pictures in o n e m o n t h ? " S h e w o u l d finish flipping t h r o u g h t h e last m a g a z i n e . " N o . I j u s t d o n ' t t h i n k I c a n take any of these to t h e b a t h with m e ; I d o n ' t t h i n k I c a n take s e e i n g any m o r e pictures of w o m e n ' s vaginas. I've never seen so m a n y vaginas in my life. Here." S h e w o u l d slip t h e m a g a z i n e s back t h r o u g h t h e g a p in the d o o r to m e . I w o u l d pile t h e m u p neatly as they r e a p p e a r e d , two by two. I w o u l d try to r e c o u p t h r o u g h e x p l a n a t i o n . I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t b r i n g i n g o u t all y o u r m a g a z i n e s a n d ar242
THE
FERMATA
r a n g i n g t h e m o n t h e b e d was sort of like g e t t i n g a n e r e c t i o n . First y o u r p e r i o d i c a l p o r n o g r a p h y is folded away in d a r k n e s s in a drawer o r a b a g o r a b o x , s t o r e d in its m o s t c o m p a c t form, a n d t h e n you bring it out, you flap it a r o u n d in t h e light, you increase its t w o - d i m e n s i o n a l surface area. I w o u l d g r a n t h e r that t h e r e was a feeling of s a m e n e s s at times, t h a t s o m e t i m e s I got surfeited, t h a t my interest w e n t t h r o u g h p h a s e s . ( W h i c h would b e a t r u e s t a t e m e n t : I rarely u s e d p o r n w h e n I h a d Fold-powers, since all t h e world was a dirty m a g a z i n e t h e n . ) But in g e n e r a l , I w o u l d say, m e n u n f o r t u n a t e l y do w a n t t h e same t h i n g over a n d o v e r — a different w o m a n identically p o s e d is t h e only difference they n e e d . I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t each tiny variation b e t w e e n two w o m e n ' s b o d i e s c o n s t i t u t e d a h u g e difference from a sexual p o i n t of view. T h e s a m e b o d y wearing different clothes o r with different-colored h a i r d i d n ' t r e a d as sexually different; it h a d to b e a different body. I would tell h e r this n o t as if I were p l e a s e d a b o u t it, b u t as if it were simply t h e way it was. F o r s o m e w o m e n like w h e n m e n tell t h e t r u t h a b o u t themselves. "Since we're l e t t i n g o u r h a i r d o w n , " A d e l e w o u l d say, " c a n I ask you s o m e t h i n g ? " I w o u l d see o n e of h e r eyes p e e r i n g in at m e . Because she w o u l d b e l e a n i n g from b e h i n d t h e d o o r , it would b e impossible for m e to tell for s u r e w h a t she was o r was n o t wearing. I w o u l d have a s t r o n g suspicion t h a t she h a d a towel w r a p p e d a r o u n d u n d e r h e r a r m s , a n d I w o u l d b e glad if she did, b e c a u s e it was such a marvelously s i m p l e e x t e n s i o n of t h e towel's utility (despite its visual overuse in m a d e - f o r - T V movies), relying o n t h e slightly moist p o s t - s h o w e r p l u s h of t h e towel a n d t h e swell of t h e J a m s to k e e p t h e f o l d e d - u n d e r c o r n e r from s l i p p i n g a n d freeing t h e e n t i r e w r a p : its very tightness k e p t it tight. I would p u t my face close to t h e d o o r as well, a n d she a n d 243
NICHOLSON
BAKER
I w o u l d r e g a r d e a c h o t h e r eye to eye. " W h a t ' s y o u r q u e s t i o n ? " I w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d ask, "Is t h e w a s h c l o t h you h a n d e d m e j u s t now t h e o n e t h a t was sort of h a n g i n g o n t h e e d g e of t h e b e d w h e n y o u r m a g a z i n e s were all s p r e a d o u t in h e r e ? " I w o u l d a d m i t t h a t it was. A d e l e w o u l d blink carefully. " W h y was it o n t h e b e d t h a t way? W h a t were you p l a n n i n g to d o with it?" I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I h a d b e e n p l a n n i n g to s h o o t o n t o it. " O r m a y b e I w o u l d have b u n d l e d my p e n i s in it a n d muffled t h e e x p l o s i o n , " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d reveal to h e r t h a t my o r g a s m s were a l m o s t always b e t t e r w h e n s h o t into c o t t o n t h a n i n t o tissue p a p e r . T h e n I w o u l d a d d : " I w o u l d have rinsed the w a s h c l o t h o u t afterward. I d o n ' t t h i n k whoever d o e s t h e r o o m w h e n I c h e c k o u t s h o u l d have to deal with t h a t sort of relic." S h e w o u l d tell m e t h a t I was a c o n s i d e r a t e p e r s o n . I w o u l d lower my voice to a w h i s p e r a n d tell h e r h o w m u c h I w a n t e d to see h e r ass. " T h a t m a y o r m a y n o t h a p p e n , " she w o u l d say. I w o u l d ask h e r w h a t she h a d b e e n p l a n n i n g to d o with t h e w a s h c l o t h in h e r b a t h . " W a s h with it," she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d n o w b e k n e e l i n g very close to t h e d o o r . S h e was, I w o u l d verify, w e a r i n g a white towel. My face w o u l d b e so close to h e r s t h a t I w o u l d b e able to h e a r every detail of h e r b r e a t h i n g , a n d yet we would n o t c o m f o r t a b l y b e a b l e to kiss. S h e w o u l d b e smiling, pleased t h a t I was so obviously h e r s . I w o u l d b e able to smell h e r lipstick. S h e w o u l d finally say, " I s u p p o s e I s h o u l d take my b a t h now. T h e w a t e r is g o i n g to get c o l d . " "You've h a d t h e b a t h ready this whole t i m e ? " I w o u l d say, distressed. " I h a d n o idea. A n d h e r e I've b e e n stuffing all of this m o n t h ' s p o r n o g r a p h y t h r o u g h t h e d o o r at y o u . " 244
THE
FERMATA
"I'll a d d s o m e w a r m if it's g o t t e n c o l d , " A d e l e w o u l d say. T h e n : "It's n o t t h a t I h a t e t h o s e m a g a z i n e s , it's j u s t t h a t they d i d n ' t d o a n y t h i n g for m e . " "You know w h a t I wish?" I w o u l d say. " I wish y o u w o u l d wash r i g h t h e r e at t h e d o o r . " "You d o , d o y o u , " A d e l e w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d think. " L e t m e see you for a s e c o n d . " U p u n t i l t h e n , I w o u l d have b e e n l e a n i n g so t h a t m y b o d y was o u t of h e r sight-line. I w o u l d shift so t h a t o n e of my knees was against t h e d o o r , a n d o n e was j u s t o u t s i d e t h e d o o r - f r a m e . I would b e sitting o n my feet. All I w o u l d have o n w o u l d b e a p a i r of v e n e r a b l e 1984 r e d Calvin Klein u n d e r p a n t s t h a t h a d g o n e loose a r o u n d t h e leg. I w o u l d p u l l o n e leg-hole sideways over my d i c k - b u n d l e so t h a t I was free to s h a k e my yokel a little for h e r as it stiffened. "Will you wash y o u r breasts for m e while I activate this?" I w o u l d ask. "You know t h a t I ' m n o t o p e n i n g this d o o r , " she w o u l d say firmly. " T h e c h a i n stays o n . " " I know," I w o u l d say. She w o u l d relax t h e n , b e c a u s e she w o u l d see t h a t we were b o t h c o n t e n t to play by t h e s a m e rules. " Y o u ' d b e i n t e r e s t e d in seeing m e wash my breasts?" she w o u l d ask. S h e w o u l d r u n h e r t o n g u e over h e r lips. I w o u l d see h e r eyes g o d o w n my chest to my h a n d f u l of dick. T h e s p e e d of m y fist-shuttle would say yes. " H e r e ' s a s u g g e s t i o n , " I w o u l d t h e n offer, a b a n d o n i n g my cockwork to raise a finger. " D o n ' t waste t h e b a t h , since it's already t h e r e . Sit in t h e b a t h for a m i n u t e o r two, wash t h e lower p a r t of y o u r b o d y o r whatever, d o half t h e j o b , n o t t h a t it n e e d s it. A n d t h e n get s o m e t h i n g . . . d o you have a n y t h i n g t h a t c a n h o l d s o m e w a t e r ? " I w o u l d look a r o u n d my r o o m doubtfully a n d spot a n ice b u c k e t . " T h e ice b u c k e t ! " I w o u l d 245
NICHOLSON
BAKER
cry. "Perfect. You c o u l d get y o u r ice b u c k e t a n d fill it with s o m e of t h a t w a r m b a t h w a t e r a n d b r i n g it over h e r e a n d wash y o u r breasts for m e . Y o u c o u l d d u n k t h e washcloth in the b u c k e t a n d h a n g y o u r breasts over it a n d squeeze t h a t w a r m w a t e r all over t h e m . I w a n t to see t h a t so much. Please? I'll j u s t wait h e r e patiently s t r o k i n g my cock." I w o u l d give h e r a q u e r y i n g look. " D o you have a n ice b u c k e t ? " She would crane her head momentarily.
"Yes, oddly
e n o u g h I h a p p e n to have a n ice b u c k e t . Tell you what. If I ' m n o t b a c k h e r e in, o h , t e n m i n u t e s , it m e a n s t h a t I ' m shy a n d I d o n ' t w a n t to wash m y breasts for you, in which case you've got plenty of m a g a z i n e s to tide you over. T h a t ' s o n e t h i n g I w a n t to g e t clear, by t h e way. My b o d y isn't exactly like t h e o n e s in t h o s e m a g a z i n e s . " I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t s h e was absolutely right: h e r b o d y was t h r e e - d i m e n s i o n a l . " T h a t t h i r d d i m e n s i o n c a n b e pretty nice s o m e t i m e s , " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I c o u l d already see s o m e h i n t s of h e r s h a p e u n d e r t h e white towel, t h a t I knew she was magnificent, t h a t I was s u p e r - k e e n to see m o r e , etc. "Give m e a few m i n u t e s , " she w o u l d say. S h e would disap p e a r from t h e doorway. I w o u l d p u t my e a r to t h e g a p a n d listen as h a r d as I c o u l d . I w o u l d h e a r h e r towel fall a n d s o m e watery s o u n d s . " A r e you i n ? " I w o u l d call, loudly. "Sssh!" she w o u l d answer. T h e r e would b e m o r e watery s o u n d s . I w o u l d let my f o r e h e a d rest against t h e d o o r , imagin i n g h e r sitting in t h e b a t h . I w o u l d r e p o s e t h a t way for a l o n g t i m e . T h e n t h e r e w o u l d b e t h e u n m i s t a k a b l e s o u n d of some o n e rising u p o u t of t h e b a t h . M o r e watery s o u n d s would e n s u e . T h e ice b u c k e t w o u l d a p p e a r o n t h e c a r p e t i n g n e a r the o p e n i n g in t h e doorway. " I ' m b a c k , " Adele w o u l d say. I w o u l d ask h e r if she h a d h a d a nice b a t h . 246
THE
FERMATA
"A little r u s h e d , b u t yes," she w o u l d reply. O n p e e r i n g in at m e , she w o u l d b e s o m e w h a t startled. " W e ' r e r a t h e r r o c k h a r d , a r e n ' t we?" "Are you still toweled?" I w o u l d ask rhetorically, since I c o u l d see t h a t she was. "I c a n n o t b e if you w a n t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d p u l l n e a r h e r s h o u l d e r ; t h e tucked-in c o r n e r w o u l d give way a n d she w o u l d g a t h e r t h e c o l l a p s i n g towel in h e r h a n d s in front of her, still shielding herself from my sight. T h e n , with grace, she would set it aside a n d look at t h e g a p in t h e d o o r w h e r e m y eye was. S h e w o u l d have h i g h r o u n d m e d i u m breasts a n d b r o a d s h o u l d e r s a n d s m o o t h , solid a r m s a n d t h i g h s . H e r t a n lines w o u l d b e very faint, a l m o s t u n n o t i c e a b l e . H e r thick dis orderly h a i r w o u l d b e j u s t r i g h t for h e r body. T o get herself over h e r e m b a r r a s s m e n t , she w o u l d say, " N o w w h e r e didl
put
t h a t washcloth? A h , yes." S h e w o u l d h o l d t h e dry w a s h c l o t h indecisively. W i t h my m o u t h very close to t h e d o o r - f r a m e , I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t she was beautiful, perfect, a m a z i n g . I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I loved h e r breasts. "Well, t h a n k y o u , " she w o u l d say, p l e a s e d . H e r legs w o u l d b e folded u n d e r n e a t h her; she w o u l d b e sitting o n h e r feet (as I still was). H a l f seductively, half uneasily, she w o u l d r u n h e r h a n d s u p a n d d o w n t h e t o p s of h e r l o n g thick t h i g h s . T h e way h e r squeezed thigh-flesh m a d e a n o u t w a r d curve j u s t above h e r knees, like t h e lid of a g r a n d p i a n o s e e n from above, would e n d e a r h e r to m e . "Why n o t p u t t h e ice b u c k e t b e t w e e n y o u r legs?" I w o u l d suggest. " T h a t ' s a t h o u g h t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d p a r t h e r t h i g h s a n d p u l l t h e b u c k e t b e t w e e n t h e m . I w o u l d see a brevity of light-brown hair. T h e ice b u c k e t w o u l d b e r o u n d a n d black. 247
NICHOLSON
BAKER
S h e w o u l d r e m o v e its t o p . A little s t e a m would p l u m e u p from t h e w a t e r inside. S h e w o u l d g a t h e r h e r h a i r a n d throw its mass b e h i n d h e r s h o u l d e r s . "Shall I ? " she w o u l d ask m e , lifting t h e washcloth. " I t ' s t h e r i g h t t h i n g to d o , " I w o u l d say. "Dunk it. " S h e w o u l d p u s h t h e w a s h c l o t h in t h e water. She would lift it, squeeze it, s u b m e r g e it again. T h e s e c o n d t i m e she s q u e e z e d it o u t , she w o u l d let it fall o p e n in h e r h a n d . It would b e a fairly t h i n washcloth, as h o t e l washcloths often are—you w o u l d a l m o s t b e a b l e to see h e r shadowy fingers t h r o u g h it. S h e w o u l d look at m e . T h e n she w o u l d b e n d forward a n d watch h e r h a n d as it s u r r o u n d e d h e r soft b r e a s t with t h e w a r m t h of t h e white cloth. S h e w o u l d steady h e r breast from u n d e r n e a t h with h e r o t h e r h a n d as she gently h e l d it a n d circled it with t h e c o m p r e s s . " W h a t a beautiful sight," I w o u l d say. "Is it w a r m ? " "Very w a r m , " A d e l e w o u l d say, s q u e e z i n g a n d circling. "Very w a r m . I always w a n t e d to d o this with those h o t towels they h a n d o u t in J a p a n e s e r e s t a u r a n t s . J u s t lift my shirt at t h e table, you know? 'Why t h a n k you! H o w very kind of you!' M m m . O r at t h e e n d of a i r p l a n e flights." " T h e o t h e r o n e , " I w o u l d b r e a t h e . " T h e o t h e r o n e ' s look i n g left o u t . " T h e n I w o u l d have a n inspiration. " H a n g o n , w h a t a m I thinking? I'll get t h e o t h e r washcloth! D o n ' t move!" I w o u l d l e a p u p a n d retrieve my washcloth from t h e b a t h r o o m . " I t ' s still a little wet from my s h o w e r , " I w o u l d tell her. "You w o n ' t m i n d ? " S h e w o u l d s h a k e h e r h e a d . I w o u l d p o k e t h e washcloth t h r o u g h t h e d o o r . S h e w o u l d d r o p it i n t o t h e ice bucket, squeeze it, a n d , l e a n i n g forward again, c u p h e r o t h e r breast with it. T w o h a n d s o n two washcloths o n two breasts. I would m a k e s o u n d s of w o n d e r a n d praise. 248
THE
FERMATA
" I b e t they'll stay o n by themselves," she w o u l d say. S h e would s t r a i g h t e n a n d let h e r h a n d s fall to h e r sides. T h e washcloths w o u l d i n d e e d r e m a i n in place. S h e w o u l d p u l l at their c o r n e r s , n e a t e n i n g away t h e wrinkles. T h e y w o u l d look like oversized pockets o n a very s h e e r shirt. I w o u l d ask h e r w h a t it w o u l d feel like to h o l d h e r n i p p l e s through them. " P r o b a b l y it w o u l d feel pretty g o o d , " A d e l e w o u l d say. S h e would gently p i n c h h e r n i p p l e s t h r o u g h t h e wet p l u s h . Still h o l d i n g t h e m , she w o u l d bow forward a n d shake h e r breasts so t h a t t h e washcloths p e e l e d off h e r skin a n d fell over h e r p i n c h i n g fingers. T h e n she w o u l d d r o p b o t h washcloths i n t o t h e bucket. "You know h o w I m i g h t like to wash my breasts if I were by myself?" she w o u l d ask m e , s h a k i n g t h e w a t e r from h e r fingers. " H o w ? " I w o u l d ask. She would slide t h e ice b u c k e t forward a n d l e a n h e r torso lower a n d lower over it, s u p p o r t i n g s o m e of h e r weight o n o n e h a n d . S h e would allow o n e of h e r breasts to d e s c e n d i n t o t h e r o u n d o p e n i n g of t h e b u c k e t a n d t h e n let it d i p silently in t h e water. T h i s w o u l d get m e crazy. T h e c h a i n o n t h e d o o r w o u l d start rattling. " O h , shit, that's so fine," I w o u l d say, t h u m p i n g m y fist u p a n d d o w n my g e n d e r - b e a m . " S o efficient, so sensible. C a n you d o t h e o t h e r now? C a n you d u n k it for m e ? " Adele w o u l d have b o t h h e r h a n d s o n t h e r u g now, a n d she would c o n t i n u e h e r wonderful a l t e r n a t i n g b r e a s t - d i p p i n g ses sion: d i p p i n g o n e breast, lifting it, l e t t i n g it d r i p a little, m o v i n g laterally, d i p p i n g t h e o t h e r breast. W a t c h i n g h e r , I w o u l d get i n t o s u c h a froth of desire t h a t I w o u l d find myself u n a b l e to say a n y t h i n g m o r e t h a n " D u n k t h a t tit, d u n k t h a t tit, y o u ' r e so fucking sexy, d u n k t h a t tit!" w h i c h w o u l d n ' t 249
NICHOLSON
BAKER
b o t h e r her. After a while she w o u l d b r i n g h e r face close to t h e d o o r - g a p a n d l o o k t h r o u g h at my j a c t i o n . " I t looks like t h a t feels g o o d , " she w o u l d say. " I t really, really d o e s , " I w o u l d say. " M y n i p p l e s are all c l e a n a n d h a r d , " she w o u l d say. " W o u l d you like to t o u c h o n e ? " S h e w o u l d h o l d h e r b r e a s t to t h e o p e n i n g a n d I w o u l d kneel forward a n d let m y richard n o s e i n t o it. T h o u g h this would b e t h e first t i m e we h a d t o u c h e d , aside from s h a k i n g h a n d s , it w o u l d n ' t feel wildly m o m e n t o u s , j u s t p a r t of t h e escalation. S h e w o u l d p u l l t h a t b r e a s t away a n d w o u l d b r i n g t h e o t h e r n i p p l e close to t h e g a p . T h e f a r t h e r my yokel p o k e d t h r o u g h t h e d o o r , t h e m o r e I w o u l d b e able to feel t h e air of h e r r o o m o n it. T h e air w o u l d s e e m cooler. My dick, I w o u l d realize with surprise, was in h e r m o t e l r o o m ! H e r o t h e r h a n d would have f o u n d its way b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d w o u l d b e u n p r e t e n t i o u s l y p o l i s h i n g h e r G u m m i Bear. " I wish t h a t I c o u l d give y o u a kiss," I w o u l d say. "I d o n ' t m e a n t h a t you s h o u l d u n c h a i n t h e d o o r , I j u s t m e a n I wish we could kiss." '
" L e t ' s see w h a t we c a n d o , " she w o u l d say. W e w o u l d get o u r
h e a d s as close t o g e t h e r as they c o u l d b e a n d we w o u l d stick o u t o u r t o n g u e s . T h e i r tips w o u l d t o u c h ; t h e sensation would flow c r o t c h w a r d s . T h e c h a i n o n t h e d o o r w o u l d c o n t i n u e to m a k e its a u d i b l e p r e s e n c e k n o w n . " I wish I c o u l d see y o u r ass," I w o u l d croak. " H m m . " S h e w o u l d tilt h e r h e a d . " I d o n ' t t h i n k o u r rela t i o n s h i p is at a p o i n t w h e r e you c a n see my ass." " N o ? " I w o u l d say, surprised. " N o , " s h e w o u l d say. " B e c a u s e you know what? S o m e t h i n g tells m e you w a n t to see m y asshole. R i g h t ? " I w o u l d equivocate. " N o t just y o u r asshole. Ass a n d asshole together. In context." 250
THE
FERMATA
" R i g h t , " she w o u l d say, " b u t I d o n ' t really w a n t you l o o k i n g at my asshole t o n i g h t . " I w o u l d n o t a r g u e with this. I w o u l d say, " I a c c e p t that. A n asshole is a very p e r s o n a l t h i n g . I'd b e perfectly h a p p y j u s t to see y o u r ass. You c o u l d k e e p y o u r cheeks t o g e t h e r . " B u t she w o u l d n ' t go for t h a t either. " I t h i n k n o t , " she w o u l d say. " I d o n ' t trust myself. If I t u r n e d a r o u n d a n d s h o w e d y o u my ass, my cheeks m i g h t fly o p e n , a n d we w o u l d n ' t w a n t that. W h a t if I washed my breasts s o m e m o r e ? " S h e w o u l d b r u s h s o m e of h e r h a i r over o n e of h e r n i p p l e s for e m p h a s i s . "Hmm?" I would say, " T h a t w o u l d b e fantastic, of c o u r s e , b u t — here's a n idea. W h a t if you t o o k o n e of t h e washcloths a n d j u s t placed it o n y o u r ass? J u s t p l a c e d it t h e r e . It w o u l d b e a white square, a h e l i c o p t e r l a n d i n g p a d , b u t it w o u l d follow y o u r shape." "You m e a n like this?" S h e w o u l d w r i n g o u t a w a s h c l o t h a n d h o l d it as a l o i n c l o t h over h e r b o t t o m , a n d s h e w o u l d t u r n with h e r back to m e . "Yes," I w o u l d say, " i n a way, b u t I guess I d i d n ' t m e a n q u i t e so free-hanging. I t h i n k it m i g h t n e e d to b e wetter, so t h a t it really clings, j u s t t h e way it c l u n g t o y o u r breasts. T h e way y o u have it n o w it's a little bit . . . c e n t e r f i e l d e r e s q u e . " " A h . " Adele w o u l d d i p h e r h a n d s in t h e w a t e r a n d h o l d t h e m o n h e r ass to wet it, a n d t h e n she w o u l d a p p l y t h e washcloth to h e r skin a n d t u r n to show m e . "Perfect, perfect!" I w o u l d whisper-hiss. " N o w I c a n see y o u r sex-shape a n d yet y o u r ass observes all t h e p r o p r i e t i e s . " I would shuffle my way as close to t h e d o o r - o p e n i n g as possi ble a n d I w o u l d b e g i n to j a c k frantically, my knuckles r a p p i n g smartly o n t h e d o o r . T h e lock's c h a i n w o u l d c l a n k a n d rattle with every stroke of my fist. " C a n you b a c k u p towards t h e d o o r a little m o r e ? " I w o u l d ask. 25 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
O n h e r knees, A d e l e w o u l d b a c k t h e white s q u a r e o n h e r ass towards m e . It w o u l d follow t h e s e a m of h e r o p e n p e a c h faithfully; it w o u l d look oddly like a n o p e n book. "Just a little m o r e ! " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d tell h e r how close my cock was to h e r ass, a n d h o w fucking incredible h e r ass looked. J u s t b e l o w t h e e d g e of t h e washcloth, I w o u l d b e able t o see f o u r of h e r fingers fretting against t h e flushed cowling of h e r clit. I w o u l d let g o of my cock a n d e x t e n d my h a n d t h r o u g h t h e d o o r - g a p as far as it w o u l d go; I w o u l d almost b e a b l e to r e a c h h e r with my m i d d l e finger. "Back u p j u s t a teensy bit m o r e , " I w o u l d say. " I ' m g o i n g to t o u c h y o u . " S h e w o u l d let h e r knees slide f a r t h e r a p a r t o n t h e r u g a n d w o u l d p u s h b a c k with h e r h a n d s , b r i n g i n g h e r ass right u p against t h e e d g e of t h e d o o r . My fingertips w o u l d m a k e con tact with t h e r o u g h d a m p t e x t u r e of t h e washcloth. I would p u l l o n o n e of t h e u p p e r c o i n e r s , which w o u l d have slipped d o w n a little. "Is everything still in p l a c e ? " she w o u l d ask, l o o k i n g back over h e r s h o u l d e r . " Y o u ' r e n o t s e e i n g a n y t h i n g you s h o u l d n ' t be seeing?" I w o u l d let my fingers b r u s h lightly d o w n i n t o h e r terryc l o t h vale. T h e n I w o u l d g o u p t h e o p p o s i t e slope a little way, t h e n b a c k d o w n , t r a c i n g p a r a b o l a s of s h a p e - a p p r e c i a t i o n . I w o u l d k n o w m o r e o r less w h e r e t h i n g s were u n d e r n e a t h , b u t I w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to see t h e m . "All is in o r d e r for t h e time b e i n g , " I w o u l d say. "I'll k e e p a close eye o n it, t h o u g h . " " T h a n k s , " she w o u l d say. " D o you w a n t to frig y o u r pussy real fast?" I w o u l d inquire huskily. A d e l e w o u l d answer t h a t she was frigging h e r pussy real fast. W e w o u l d n ' t s p e a k for s o m e t i m e , m e w i n g antiphonally. T h e w a s h c l o t h w o u l d b e looser now. I w o u l d essentially b e 252
THE
FERMATA
h o l d i n g it u p for h e r with my finger. " I t d o e s n ' t s e e m to w a n t to stay p u t entirely," I w o u l d warn. " B u t I t h i n k I k n o w a g o o d way to k e e p it from falling. Shall I ? " "Yes, d o it. O h yeah. D o it." A d e l e w o u l d b e lost in h e r onan-world. " I ' m g o i n g to p u s h i n t o t h e w a s h c l o t h with m y m i d d l e finger," I w o u l d t h e n say. "Okay? J u s t half a n i n c h . T h a t will keep it in p l a c e . " I would find t h e r i g h t s p o t a n d I w o u l d p u s h . W h i t e wrinkles would form in t h e fabric—a sort of p l u s h white terry-cloth s p h i n c t e r w o u l d g a t h e r a r o u n d my stiff m i d d l e finger as I forced my way in. "Eeeeeyeah!" Adele w o u l d say. " T h e t e x t u r e of it!" Carefully I w o u l d withdraw my finger, leaving t h e w a s h c l o t h in place. " N o w t i g h t e n it a n d m a k e yourself c o m e , " I w o u l d say. " I t really tingles in t h e r e , " she w o u l d say. I w o u l d lean all m y weight against t h e d o o r a n d a i m my cock t h r o u g h t h e g a p . A d e l e w o u l d b e g i n p u s h i n g a g a i n s t t h e d o o r j a m b in a steady r h y t h m . T h i s m o v e m e n t w o u l d
finally
m a k e t h e washcloth slide off h e r ass-curves a n d h a n g down; b u t it would n o t fall to t h e floor, since it was still h e l d tightly by h e r asshole. S h e w o u l d sense s o m e t h i n g amiss. " O h n o ! " she w o u l d say breathlessly, a l a r m e d . "It's all right!" I w o u l d reassure her. " I t ' s h a n g i n g t h e r e ! I still c a n ' t really see a n y t h i n g . J u s t h o l d it in t h e r e real tight, d o n ' t let it fall, okay? I ' m g o i n g to deliver a w h o l e c a n d y g r a m of c o m e right t h r o u g h this doorway any s e c o n d . " " O o h , you a r e ? " Adele w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d b e p u s h i n g against t h e d o o r with h e r ass so h a r d n o w t h a t she w o u l d practically b e s h u t t i n g it in my face. " C o m e o n m y wash cloth!" she w o u l d call. " S q u e e z e it off o n m y w a s h c l o t h ! " 253
NICHOLSON
BAKER
I n m y frenzy, I w o u l d a i m w r o n g a n d release my first two s m u t - s c h n a p p s o n t h e c a r p e t a n d t h e d o o r , b u t with t h e third I w o u l d m a n a g e to fling s o m e fertile distillate o n h e r u p p e r t h i g h . F e e l i n g it, she w o u l d give h e r c o m m o t i o n t h e final g o - a h e a d — a n d t h e limply h a n g i n g washcloth, tightly c i n c h e d in h e r r a v i n g s p h i n c t e r , w o u l d b e g i n to m o v e hypnotically, p u l l i n g in a n d o u t several times w h e r e it d i s a p p e a r e d , m a k i n g t h e free e n d gently lift a n d wag, like a h a n d k e r c h i e f waved in farewell from a n o c e a n liner. S h e w o u l d t u r n a n d sit a n d look in at m e . W e w o u l d d e scribe h o w p l e a s a n t it h a d b e e n . " A n d see?" I w o u l d say. " T h e w a s h c l o t h d i d n o t fall. Y o u r m o d e s t y was m a i n t a i n e d . " " N o w I c a n s l e e p , " she w o u l d say. I w o u l d refocus o n h e r hair, w h i c h w o u l d look beautiful a n d thick a n d tossed a r o u n d . T h o u g h we w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to shake h a n d s p r o p e r l y t h r o u g h t h e d o o r , we w o u l d h o o k i n d e x fingers a n d shake good-bye t h a t way. H e r d o o r w o u l d close a n d I w o u l d h e a r t h e lock o n t h e k n o b t u r n a n d t h e b o l t slide softly i n t o place. I would close m y d o o r , t o o , a n d lock it, b u t I w o u l d n ' t reinstate t h e c h a i n lock o n m y side—for it w o u l d s e e m to m e t h a t t h e s o u n d of m y c h a i n i n g w o u l d c o n s t i t u t e a faint r u d e n e s s after w h a t we had done together. T h e n e x t m o r n i n g , w h e n I o p e n e d t h e d o o r to t h e outside, I w o u l d find a small white b u n d l e at m y feet. It w o u l d b e t h e S u z a n n e V e g a t a p e w r a p p e d in o n e of t h e now-stiffened wash cloths, with a n o t e saying, Take care of yourself—A.J.S.
I
w o u l d n ' t b e s u r e if this gift was m e a n t to show t h a t she knew t h a t I was t h e o n e w h o h a d switched t h e t a p e s in t h e car, o r w h e t h e r it was simply a friendly gesture. B u t I w o u l d take care of myself, at least twice, b e f o r e driving b a c k to Boston. T h a t was w h a t I p l a n n e d t o h a p p e n . W h a t did h a p p e n , t h o u g h , is t h a t after a n h o u r a n d a half o r so of steady driving 254
THE
FERMATA
o n t h e Mass Pike, a n h o u r a n d a half full of h o p e a n d keyedu p c o n c e n t r a t i o n , I saw a small twirling r e c t a n g u l a r s h a p e fly o u t of Adele's car window. She h a d n ' t liked it. H o w very sad a n d d i s a p p o i n t i n g . H a d she listened to all of it a n d t h e n d e c i d e d she d i d n ' t like it, o r h a d she h a t e d it so m u c h t h a t she h a d tossed it halfway t h r o u g h ? I p u s h e d u p o n my glasses a n d c h e c k e d h e r c a r stereo: yes, S u z a n n e Vega was b a c k in p l a c e . N o r were A d e l e ' s n i p p l e s noticeably e r e c t u n d e r h e r p i n k floral sweater. W a s she m a d e of stone} I m a g i n e h e r c h u c k i n g m y cassette right o u t t h e window! H o u r s a n d h o u r s of work, all c u s t o m j o i n e r y , all for her, dismissed. O f c o u r s e I h a d said t h a t she s h o u l d feel free to d o that, b u t still, I h a d n ' t e x p e c t e d h e r to d o it. My p r i d e was h u r t . I p a c e d a r o u n d in t h e tall grass w h e r e I t h o u g h t I h a d seen t h e t a p e l a n d , b u t I c o u l d n ' t find it. A n d I d i d n ' t w a n t to s p e n d m u c h t i m e o u t of t h e car, b e c a u s e t h e grass I walked in h a d t h e s a m e disturbingly b l u r r e d quality t h a t t h e r o a d h a d — I felt I w o u l d inflict s o m e r e n d i n g injury to t h e network of cosmic w o r m h o l e s if I walked o n t h e m e d i a n strip for t o o l o n g . I started u p t i m e a n d d r o v e slowly, u n t i l Adele was way a h e a d of m e . At t h e n e x t exit, I t u r n e d a r o u n d a n d drove h o m e . W h e n I woke u p t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , m y Fold-powers were g o n e .
/7\
16
T JL-
HE WEEK FOLLOWING
MY FAILED DRIVE, I WORKED
FIFTEEN
h o u r s of o v e r t i m e at a c o n s u l t i n g firm. I was b o t h e r e d by a p e r s i s t e n t tingly feeling in t h e base of my right p a l m a n d i n c r e a s i n g p a i n in m y f o r e a r m . I n e e d e d at least a week off from typing, b u t b e c a u s e m y F e r m a t a l visitation-rights were n o w d e n i e d , I d i d n ' t get o n e . W h a t was clearly a c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b l e m got q u i t e b a d over t h e n e x t several m o n t h s . A n o v e r - t h e - c o u n t e r wrist b r a c e d i d n ' t fit p r o p e r l y a n d m a d e t h e p a i n worse. I was able to alleviate t h e s y m p t o m s a little by s l e e p i n g with my a r m e m b r a c i n g a s p a r e pillow. After a particularly trying stint typing a n e i g h t y - p a g e p r i c e list, I w e n t to C o m m o n h e a l t h a n d saw 256
THE
FERMATA
several n u r s e p r a c t i t i o n e r s a n d d o c t o r s . E a c h of t h e m t a p p e d the inside of my wrist h a r d a n d asked w h a t it felt like. Every diagnostic t a p f u r t h e r injured t h e nerve, it s e e m e d t o m e . I went u p t h e c h a i n of specialists u n t i l I r e a c h e d t h e i n - h o u s e repetitive-motion e x p e r t , Dr. S u s a n O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , a s h o r t cheerful w o m a n of forty. I told h e r t h a t I was a c a r e e r t e m p a n d t h a t I really h a d to b e a b l e to c o n t i n u e u s i n g t h e key b o a r d . She was full of ideas a n d theories. I f o u n d h e r h y p h e n ated n a m e powerfully attractive. "Is t h e r e any o t h e r r e l a t e d repetitive m o t i o n t h a t y o u e n gage i n ? " she asked. " O n e p a t i e n t of m i n e was a legal secre tary a n d a fanatical bicyclist o n weekends, a n d it t u r n e d o u t that it wasn't t h e typing b u t t h e c o m b i n a t i o n of t y p i n g a n d p u l l i n g o n t h e h a n d - b r a k e s of h e r bicycle t h a t was c a u s i n g t h e carpal flare. She switched to s w i m m i n g a n d t o o k a week off from work a n d she was able to k e e p h e r j o b a n d n o t have t h e o p e r a t i o n . I ' m h a p p y to do t h e o p e r a t i o n , " she a d d e d . " I t ' s n o t a b i g deal, it's j u s t a m a t t e r of m a k i n g a little incision right h e r e — b u t I ' m j u s t saying t h a t s o m e t i m e s t h e r e a r e ways to m a k e t h e p r o b l e m go away by itself." I told h e r t h a t I s n a p p e d my fingers to m u s i c s o m e t i m e s , a n d t h a t I did s o m e writing of my o w n in t h e evenings a n d o n weekends which a d d e d to t h e overall a m o u n t of t y p i n g I did. " W h a t sort of writing d o you d o ? " she asked politely, n o t i n g this down. "Just stories. N o t h i n g p u b l i s h e d . B u t I get c a u g h t u p in it a n d I k e e p typing a n d typing a n d typing. T h e w h o l e wrist p r o b l e m has g o t t e n m u c h worse since I've s t a r t e d d o i n g it." Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n talked a b o u t alternative keyboards a n d a b o u t d i c t a t i n g my own writing a n d t h e n h a v i n g a friend transcribe it. S h e suggested two weeks off from work. S h e also spoke highly of m a n u a l typewriters: since they t o o k m o r e 257
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m u s c l e s t r e n g t h , they s e e m e d to b o t h e r t h e nerve less. S o m e a n t h r o p o l o g y professor at H a r v a r d h a d g o n e back to his old Olivetti p o r t a b l e a n d b e e n c u r e d completely. S h e described s o m e r e s e a r c h she was d o i n g : " I ' m i n t e r e s t e d in d e v e l o p i n g a wrist s e n s o r , " she said, " t h a t will work as a biofeedback device, s i g n a l i n g t h e u s e r w h e n a m o t i o n is in p r o g r e s s t h a t is likely to f u r t h e r inflame t h e nerve, b a s e d o n certain correlations. B u t w h a t I ' m d o i n g n o w is n o t t h a t advanced, a l t h o u g h it's q u i t e i n t e r e s t i n g — I m e a n , of c o u r s e it is i n t e r e s t i n g to m e , b u t it c a n also b e i n t e r e s t i n g to my p a t i e n t s , a n d helpful. I ' m trying to d e v e l o p a set of M R I m o t i o n studies for various characteristic m o t i o n s , s u c h as t y p i n g a p a r t i c u l a r letter of t h e a l p h a b e t , o p e n i n g a n oyster, salad p r e p , a n d so forth. W e use s o m e t h i n g called a fast-pulse-sequence e c h o - p l a n a r MRI ma c h i n e , w h i c h essentially shows t h e nerve r e s p o n d i n g to t h e m o t i o n s as they p r o c e e d . W o u l d you b e interested in taking part?" " R e m i n d m e w h a t M R I is?" "Magnetic Resonance Imaging." " O h ! " I said. " B i g t i m e ! " Extremely flattered, I said I p r o b ably w o u l d like to take p a r t . W e m a d e a n a p p o i n t m e n t . T h e n s o m e t h i n g s u d d e n l y o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t I c o u l d n ' t resist bringing up. " W h a t I still d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d , " I said, "is why it's all h a p p e n i n g exclusively in m y right wrist. S h o u l d n ' t I have a t o u c h of it o n t h e left side?" " A r e y o u a heavy u s e r of t h e b a c k s p a c e key?" she asked. "Several of my p a t i e n t s have r e c o n f i g u r e d t h e i r keyboard so t h a t they c o n t r o l l e d t h e b a c k s p a c e key with t h e i r left h a n d s , e l i m i n a t i n g t h a t c o n s t a n t r e a c h i n g u p with t h e little finger as they c o r r e c t e d t h e i r typos, a n d they i m p r o v e d immediately." " I n t e r e s t i n g . M a y b e t h a t ' s it," I said, n o d d i n g thoughtfully, 258
THE
FERMATA
signaling t h a t I was t h i n k i n g of s o m e t h i n g else. " M a y b e t h a t ' s it." "Well? W h a t were you g o i n g to a t t r i b u t e it t o ? " t h e d o c t o r asked. " H o w shall I p u t this? T h e stories I write are q u i t e — t h e y ' r e p o r n o g r a p h i c stories." S h e took this in. H e r face was sensual a n d intelligent a n d canny. " I d o n ' t see why w h a t you write w o u l d m a k e a bit of difference to y o u r wrist. A letter / is a letter / to t h e nerve c o n c e r n e d , n o m a t t e r w h a t risqué t h i n g it h a p p e n s to b e spelling." " T h a t ' s right," I said eagerly, " a n d yet t h e letter e is t h e m o s t f r e q u e n t letter in English, right? A n d t h e letter e is a left-hand letter. So it s h o u l d b e as m u c h a left-wrist p r o b l e m as a right-wrist p r o b l e m ! " " T h a t ' s why I m e n t i o n e d t h e b a c k s p a c e key," t h e d o c t o r e x p l a i n e d patiently. " O r it c o u l d easily b e t h e c u r s o r keys, o r t h e m o u s e . T h e m o u s e gives p e o p l e terrible t r o u b l e . " " I use h o t keys a l m o s t exclusively," I said haughtily. "All I ' m saying is, you have to look very carefully at h o w y o u really move at t h e k e y b o a r d a n d m a k e s o m e s u b t l e c h a n g e s . P e o p l e t h i n k they c a n install a wrist p a d o r d o a few exercises a n d everything will b e hunky-dory. It d o e s n ' t always work t h a t way." I looked at h e r n a m e - t a g . I liked very m u c h t h a t h e r first n a m e was Susan. I said, "I'll d o that. B u t — w h a t j u s t o c c u r r e d to m e is—well—I write
pornography"
"I know. S o ? " "Well, as I write I often find t h a t I get myself in s o m e t h i n g of a lather. I i m a g i n e s o m e o n e r e a d i n g it, y o u know, a female s o m e o n e r e a d i n g it, a n d I find t h a t . . . " I h e l d my h a n d s o u t as if w h a t I was g o i n g to say was self-evident. 259
NICHOLSON
BAKER
S u d d e n l y she u n d e r s t o o d a n d l a u g h e d . " A h , ah, ah. Y o u ' r e j u s t trying to tell m e t h a t y o u m a s t u r b a t e while you write." "Exactly," I said with relief. " W i t h my right h a n d . " " C o n s t a n t l y ? A r e you constantly m a s t u r b a t i n g while you write?" " N o t constantly, n o . I'll type, say, a w o r d o r a p h r a s e a n d t h e n m a s t u r b a t e a little, a n d t h e n a n o t h e r p h r a s e , m a s t u r b a t e a little m o r e , like t h a t . " " A r e these a l t e r n a t i n g sessions p r o t r a c t e d ? " asked Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , after a p a u s e . " S o m e t i m e s . I o n c e wrote a story o n t h e h o o d of a car for twelve straight h o u r s . " " M a s t u r b a t i n g i n t e r m i t t e n t l y t h e e n t i r e time? I take it you were in a s e c l u d e d s p o t . " " I t ' s a s p o t t h a t ' s accessible only to m e . " "Good." I gave h e r a n i n q u i r i n g look. "Is this a n a r e a t h a t you would b e i n t e r e s t e d in s t u d y i n g ? " I asked her. S h e l o o k e d skeptical at first, a n d t h e n m o r e interested. "Well, y o u know, I have to a d m i t t h a t in t h e past I've h a d s o m e fleeting
suspicions in t h a t direction. I m e a n , why s h o u l d n ' t
f r e q u e n t o r p r o l o n g e d m a s t u r b a t i o n a l episodes aggravate, o r even cause, CTS? B u t u n t i l now, n o p a t i e n t has s p o n t a n e o u s l y s u g g e s t e d it as a cause, a n d I've b e e n r e l u c t a n t to m e n t i o n it. It's definitely w o r t h l o o k i n g i n t o . P e r h a p s we c o u l d scan you as you . . ." "Really?" I said. " Y o u ' d have m e p l e a s u r e myself in o n e of t h o s e g i g a n t i c m a g n e t s ? T h e o n e s like i r o n lungs, t h a t take p i c t u r e s of b r a i n t u m o r s ? " "Well, why n o t ? " she said. " A n d y o u ' d u s e o u r d u m m y keyboard, t o o . W e ' r e trying to s i m u l a t e real-life conditions. W e u n f o r t u n a t e l y c a n ' t use real keyboards, b e c a u s e we c a n ' t 260
THE
FERMATA
have any ferrous m e t a l within t h e m a g n e t . . . . Now, y o u d o n ' t habitually m a s t u r b a t e w e a r i n g a s t u d d e d cock r i n g o r ball separator, d o y o u ? " "God no." "Fine, b e c a u s e t h a t m i g h t c r e a t e real p r o b l e m s in a m a g netic field of thirty t h o u s a n d times e a r t h gravity. S o — I d o n ' t want to p u t you o n t h e spot, b u t a r e y o u sincerely interested? I ' m t h i n k i n g o u t l o u d now, which I d o n ' t n o r m a l l y d o , b u t my sense is t h a t this c o u l d b e a n i m p o r t a n t n e w line of r e s e a r c h . W h o knows—you m i g h t m a k e The New England Journal
of
Medicine. Anonymously, of c o u r s e . " "Well," I said, pleased, " I s u p p o s e if I c a n b e of s o m e small h e l p to o t h e r s . . . " A week later, I showed u p at t h e M R w i n g of C o m m o n h e a l t h ' s hospital at a q u a r t e r to six in t h e evening, after a n u n t a x i n g day at a n a c c o u n t i n g firm. My a r m h u r t , w h i c h pleased m e , b e c a u s e I felt t h a t I w a s n ' t w a s t i n g a n y o n e ' s t i m e . I n a c o n f e r e n c e r o o m , Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n e x p l a i n e d in h e r friendly, faintly ironic way w h a t was g o i n g to h a p p e n to m e : s o m e reference d o t s were g o i n g to b e p a i n t e d o n m y a r m a n d penis, so t h a t t h e i m a g i n g system c o u l d k e e p a fix o n these two e l e m e n t s as I moved. S h e said s h e w a n t e d m e to type a n d m a s t u r b a t e j u s t as I w o u l d in real life. S h e g o t u p , a n d t h e n remembered something. " O n e t h i n g I d o have to ask," she said. S h e l o o k e d t h r o u g h s o m e drawers in t h e b a c k of t h e r o o m . " I ' m l o o k i n g for s o m e t h i n g with a p a r t i c u l a r s h a p e , " she e x p l a i n e d . S h e h e l d u p a t o n g u e depressor, b u t rejected it: " A little u n r o m a n t i c . I s h o u l d have t h o u g h t to b r i n g in a p r o s t h e t i c p e n i s - f o r m of some kind." "I c o u l d j u s t show you m i n e , " I suggested. " N o — n o — t h e n we have to get observers in h e r e a n d worry 26 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a b o u t all sorts of t h i n g s . T h a n k s for offering, t h o u g h . Ah! This will d o . " S h e b r o u g h t o u t a stick of lipstick from h e r p u r s e a n d h a n d e d it to m e . " C a n y o u h o l d t h a t a n d show m e r o u g h l y h o w y o u m a s t u r b a t e ? I realize t h a t it's a little smaller t h a n you're used to." I h e l d it a n d stroked it several ways. " A h , " said t h e d o c t o r , " s o you u s e b o t h a fist grip a n d a f i n g e r - a n d - t h u m b grip. T h a t ' s w h a t I w a n t e d to k n o w . " She t a p p e d h e r lip, t h i n k i n g . " I d o n ' t w a n t to p r e j u d i c e you in favor of e i t h e r o n e . I ' m g o i n g to have t o ask you to a n n o u n c e w h e n you've switched from o n e to t h e o t h e r . It will m a k e it easier for u s to get t h e i m a g i n g system to k e e p u p with you, a n d eventually, of c o u r s e , to isolate which p a r t i c u l a r grip is distressing y o u r nerve. I n fact, d o y o u t h i n k you w o u l d b e able to offer a k i n d of r u n n i n g c o m m e n t a r y as you m a s t u r b a t e ? Y o u c o u l d tell u s w h a t y o u a r e d o i n g , w h a t h u r t s , w h a t d o e s n ' t hurt—whatever's going through your mind." I said t h a t I w o u l d certainly try. S h e led m e to a n e x a m i n i n g r o o m , w h e r e I c h a n g e d i n t o a h o s p i t a l gown. Two n u r s e s o r t e c h n i c i a n s o r p o s t - d o c s p a i n t e d rows of silver dots u p my f o r e a r m . T h e y p a i n t e d a silver s q u a r e over t h e inside of my wrist. T h e n they lifted my gown. " S h o u l d we t r i m h i m a little?" o n e of t h e technicians asked t h e o t h e r . S h e l o o k e d at m e . S h e was C h i n e s e . " W e ' r e g o i n g to t r i m y o u r p u b i c h a i r . " I l o o k e d d o w n at it. " I t h a s g o t t e n a bit u n r u l y . " I c o u l d n ' t r e m e m b e r t h e last t i m e I h a d t r i m m e d it; it c o u l d have b e e n a d e c a d e earlier. T h e y p u l l e d o n t h e thick tufts a n d s n i p p e d t h e m off. T h e n o n e s t r e t c h e d my p e n i s a n d p a i n t e d a silver d o t o n its c i r c u m c i s i o n ridge. P a i n t b r u s h hovering, she be c a m e u n c e r t a i n . S h e called in Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . T h e t h r e e of t h e m c o n f e r r e d in low tones. 262
THE
FERMATA
T h e d o c t o r p u t a h a n d o n my a r m a n d smiled at m e . "Will you m a s t u r b a t e j u s t a little n o w ? " she asked. " D o n ' t g o h o g wild. W e j u s t n e e d y o u to b e fully e r e c t to g e t t h e r e f e r e n c e dots o n y o u r p e n i s s p a c e d p r o p e r l y . " " O h , sorry. Sure. J u s t take a sec." " F i n e . " Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n left. I stroked my yokel while t h e two a t t e n d a n t s waited. I n o ticed with s o m e satisfaction t h a t they s e e m e d t o a p p r e c i a t e its size a n d girth a n d garish c o l o r a t i o n . (It is, I think, a m o r e h a n d s o m e p e n i s t h a n I deserve.) O n e c r a d l e d it gently while t h e o t h e r p a i n t e d t h e silver d o t s d o w n t h e u n d e r s i d e a n d t h e t o p , m e a s u r i n g t h e i r distances carefully. T h e soft c o n t a c t of t h e b r u s h was s o o t h i n g . T h e y b r o u g h t m e t h r o u g h t h e c o n t r o l r o o m to t h e d o o r into t h e scan r o o m . " G o o d luck," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , waving. S h e sat at a table with two m o n i t o r s o n it, a t h r e e - r i n g b i n d e r o p e n before her. A w i n d o w l o o k e d t h r o u g h s o m e sort of fine-mesh screen i n t o t h e r o o m with t h e m a g n e t in it. T h e t e c h n i c i a n s t o p p e d m e . " Y o u r watch h a s to c o m e off." S h e p o i n t e d to a p o s t e r with a n u m b e r of f o r b i d d e n objects pic t u r e d with r e d b a r s across t h e m — f i r e e x t i n g u i s h e r s , p a c e m a k ers, watches, steel skull-plates, a n y t h i n g metallic, evidently. T h e s c a n n e r s t o o d in t h e m i d d l e of a large e m p t y r o o m . It was a n e n o r m o u s white edifice, like a very thick wall, with a large h o l e r u n n i n g t h r o u g h it i n t o w h i c h p a t i e n t s were slid o n a gantry. S o m e t h i n g was m a k i n g a g r e a t d e a l of fairly u n p l e a s a n t noise. I r e m o v e d my gown a n d lay d o w n o n t h e p a d . A d u m m y c o m p u t e r k e y b o a r d was p l a c e d o n m y s t o m a c h a n d I was slid headfirst i n t o t h e b o r e of t h e s u p e r c o n d u c t i n g m a g net. " C a n you h e a r m e , A r n o ? " I h e a r d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n say t h r o u g h t h e i n t e r c o m . 263
NICHOLSON
BAKER
I said t h a t I c o u l d . " G o o d . Give u s a few m i n u t e s to get t h i n g s set in h e r e b e f o r e you start. A r e you c o m f o r t a b l e ? " " I a m . It's very vaginal in h e r e , d o c t o r , in a s m o o t h - m u s c l e sort of way. Is t h e m a g n e t o n ? " "Yes, it's always o n , " she said. " I e x p e c t e d to feel c l a u s t r o p h o b i c , b u t oddly, I ' m not. T h e r e was this guy in college . . . excuse m e — I ' l l s h u t u p while you get set u p . " " N o , g o o n , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " T h e technicians a r e g e t t i n g set u p — I ' m j u s t o b s e r v i n g at this p o i n t . " " W h a t is all this t i r e s o m e n o i s e ? " I asked. " T h a t ' s t h e c o o l a n t . T h e m a g n e t h a s to b e k e p t very cool, a n d t h e c o o l a n t h a s to b e p u m p e d a r o u n d . " " I see. Well, t h e r e was this guy in c o l l e g e — " T h e r e was this guy in college, I said, w h o u s e d to m i m e i n s e r t i n g o n e finger in a w o m a n ' s v a d g e , t h e n two, t h e n four, saying, "Yeah, baby. Really? M o r e ? " T h e n t h e w h o l e h a n d w o u l d go in, t h e n his a r m u p to t h e elbow, t h e n u p to t h e s h o u l d e r ; t h e n h e would slide his o t h e r a r m in, still saying, " M o r e ? You sure, baby? O k a y . " H e w o u l d p l a c e his h e a d at t h e o p e n i n g of t h e imagi n a r y v a d g e a n d strainingly p u s h u p , t u r n i n g his face, a n d s u d d e n l y his g r i m a c i n g h e a d w o u l d slide in alongside his a r m s , a n d finally h e w o u l d s q u i r m as m u c h of his b o d y into t h e vaginal c a n a l as h e c o u l d fit. " I feel a little like I've j u s t d o n e t h a t , " I e x p l a i n e d . " I ' m in this h u g e electrovagnet. It isn't w o m b l i k e , " I b a b b l i n g l y h a s t e n e d to qualify. "It's purely vaginal." " I n t e r e s t i n g , " I h e a r d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n say absently. S h e h a d n ' t b e e n listening. S h e said s o m e t h i n g I c o u l d n ' t c a t c h to o n e of h e r associates, t h e n I h e a r d h e r say, "We are? O k a y . " T h e n she a d d r e s s e d m e in h e r p l e a s a n t Susan Stam264
THE
FERMATA
b e r g voice: "All right, A r n o . First we're g o i n g to get y o u to u s e the keyboard a little bit. I ' m g o i n g to r e a d y o u a s e n t e n c e , a n d you type it. Ready?" I said I was ready. " T h e c u r e . . .' " she r e a d . I typed. " O k a y . " " '. . . for t h e greatest p a r t . . .' " I typed. " G o t it." "
. . of h u m a n miseries . . .' "
I typed. " O k a y . " " '. . . is n o t radical "Yep." " '. . . b u t palliative.' P e r i o d . G o o d . T h a n k s . T h a t ' s o u r baseline s e n t e n c e . Now, A r n o , I w a n t y o u t o go a h e a d a n d u s e the keyboard for a b o u t five m i n u t e s to w a r m u p t h e n e r v e . " "Just type a n y t h i n g ? " I asked. " R i g h t , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " I c a n r e a d you s o m e t h i n g if you would like, o r you c a n m a k e it u p . It w o u l d b e nice if it were similar to t h e t y p i n g you n o r m a l l y d o , b u t t h a t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r all t h a t m u c h . It has to b e in English, t h o u g h . " "Why?" "So t h a t t h e letter-frequencies a r e r e p r e s e n t a t i v e . " "I see. N o p r o b l e m , " I said. I b e g a n to type, in t h e selfconscious way p e o p l e d o w h e n t h e y ' r e t e s t i n g typewriters a n d c o m p u t e r s at a store, t h o u g h in my case t h e w o r d s I was typing were n o t b e i n g r e c o r d e d anywhere. It's strange to be typing here in this magnet, I clicked o u t o n t h e keys. But I kind of like it. I've never typed supine before. I recommend it to all interested This keyboard has a nice sloppy feel, probably
parties.
because it's been
messed with inside and doesn 't work. Feels like some of the old Wang keyboards. Since it is dysfunctional,
I suppose I can type anything
I want. Doctor Susan could possibly follow my fingers on a video 265
NICHOLSON
BAKER
monitor to find out what I'm typing, or study the tape later, but I doubt very much she'll bother. She's cheerfully all business. She really attracts me. That's not surprising—it
is much more surpris
ing to me when a woman fails to attract me than when she does attract me. Very occasionally I meet a woman and afterward I think, That's incredible—nothing
about that woman attracted me. It al
most never happens. All women merit love and constancy. true. All women should be loved by someone good and
That's
dependable
and honest. I am good, I think, but I am not honest or dependable, so I have to pass lovingly through their lives without their knowing I have been there. Man I like Dr. Susan's tits under that lab coat, with that name pinned on one. Short funny forty-year-old
women
with big tits should reign supreme. Or if I could just cycle between silky-voiced tall women with small tits and short happy women with big tits—plus dium-sized
medium-sized
affectionately sexy women with me
tits and short women with small tits and southern ac
cents, and medium-sized
women with small tits and
Hispanic
accents—now there would be a life. I like the fact that Dr. Susan doesn't know that I'm typing how much I'd like her to squat over me and rip open the white cotton crotch of her black pantyhose and grind her salty puss into my face. I s t o p p e d p r e tend-typing. "Is t h a t e n o u g h ? " I asked. Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n said, " T h a t ' s plenty. We've got a g o o d fix o n y o u r nerve now. C a n you type t h e reference s e n t e n c e again? Y o u r e m e m b e r ? " " S o r r y , " I said, " I t h i n k I forgot it." " ' T h e c u r e for t h e g r e a t e s t . . . p a r t of h u m a n . . . miseries is n o t radical . . .' " " '. . . b u t palliative,' " I finished, e a g e r to p r o v e to h e r that I was n o clerical r o b o t , b u t r a t h e r a typist w h o reflected o n whatever h e was asked to type. " G o t it." " H o w a b o u t p a i n levels?" she asked. 266
THE
FERMATA
I s n a p p e d my finger several times to test h o w my wrist felt. "I feel t h e u s u a l t i n g l i n g in t h e base of m y p a l m a n d s o m e significant f o r e a r m involvement." " F i n e , " she said. " W e c a n go b a c k to t h e k e y b o a r d later if we n e e d to. I w a n t you to p u t it aside now. G o o d . E x c e p t for your a r m p a i n , are you c o m f o r t a b l e ? A r e y o u r e a d y to start masturbating?" I told h e r I was. "Okay, in j u s t a m i n u t e I'll ask you to start." I lay at p e a c e , with my h a n d s r e s t i n g o n m y chest. I h e a r d s o m e m o r e m u r m u r e d conversation o n t h e i n t e r c o m , t h e n , " A r n o , why d o n ' t you go a h e a d a n d start." " C a n I lift my k n e e s ? " " C a n h e lift his k n e e s ? " I h e a r d h e r ask. T h e n : " B e t t e r n o t . W e lose you o n o n e of t h e axial m o n i t o r s . Is it g o i n g to b e a p r o b l e m to p r o c e e d with y o u r legs flat?" " N o t at all—it's fine," I said. " C a n you see m e ? I m e a n , n o t my nerves, b u t m e ? " "Yes. W e have several video m o n i t o r s in a d d i t i o n to t h e M R image." " O h , " I said. "Be sure to let us know any c h a n g e s in t h e p a i n y o u feel," she said. " K e e p a r u n n i n g c o m m e n t a r y , if y o u c a n . " I hesitated, t h e n p l u n g e d a h e a d . " T h e p r o b l e m is t h a t t h e pleasure from o n e source masks t h e p a i n from t h e o t h e r s o u r c e , " I said. " I t h i n k t h a t ' s p a r t of t h e r e a s o n it's g o t t e n this b a d . But, okay, I ' m t o u c h i n g m y — p e n i l e o r g a n now. I have it, as I guess you c a n see, in t h e t h u m b - a n d - f i n g e r grip that we discussed. W e m i g h t call it t h e K o k o m o grip. I ' m b e g i n n i n g to t u g o n it slowly, u s i n g t h e K o k o m o grip, a n d at the m o m e n t I feel n o distinct pain—well, t h e r e is a w a r m twinge, b u t n o t h i n g b a d . " Since I h a d avoided all o r g a s m s for 267
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h r e e days, I e x p e c t e d to have little t r o u b l e g e t t i n g h o t a n d nasty, even e n v e l o p e d as I was in a n e l e c t r o m a g n e t i c field so powerful t h a t it c o u l d potentially suck oxygen tanks a n d scis sors a n d o t h e r ferrous objects lethally i n t o t h e c h a m b e r with m e . W h e n I was fully erect, I h e l d my richard vertically for a m o m e n t by its base, w a n t i n g everyone in t h e c o n t r o l r o o m to get a n eyeful of it o n t h e m o n i t o r s . " H o l d t h a t for a s e c o n d , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , u n e x pectedly. " D o n ' t m o v e . W e n e e d to get a fix o n t h o s e R-points. J u s t h o l d still. G o o d . Great. G o o d . You still c o m f o r t a b l e ? " "I think so." " G o o d . Y o u s e e m c o m f o r t a b l e . N o w we n e e d to get a few motion-profiles. T h i s is a n entirely new repetitive m o t i o n for t h e r e a l - t i m e t r a c k i n g system, so you have to b e a r with us, please. T h e software is g o i n g to t e a c h itself to follow y o u r a r m . Okay—first will y o u go a h e a d a n d m a s t u r b a t e slowly, j u s t as y o u w o u l d typically d o it p e r h a p s in a n early p h a s e . " " I n a n early p h a s e . . . " I m u s e d . " P r o b a b l y I w o u l d c h a n g e to t h e tight-fisted grip. A n d p r o b a b l y I'd squeeze it h a r d while I p u m p e d it very slowly u p a n d down. Like this." I p a r t e d my legs, so t h a t my feet r e s t e d o n t h e curving, culvert-like walls of t h e m a g n e t ' s b o r e , a n d p u m p e d . " O o o , I like to feel t h e little h o l e get p u l l e d o p e n w h e n I p u m p . " " G r e a t , t h a n k s . O k a y . " T h e r e was m o r e m u r m u r i n g a m o n g t h e r e s e a r c h e r s . I loved b e i n g studied. I loved t h a t my simple s e l f - p u m p i n g p l e a s u r e was g o i n g to yield scientific results. Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n c a m e b a c k o n a n d said, " A r n o , n o w c o u l d you s t i m u l a t e y o u r p e n i s fast?" " H o w fast?" "As fast as y o u n o r m a l l y m i g h t . W e w a n t to b e sure we d o n ' t lose t h e i m a g e w h e n y o u get s e r i o u s . " " I u n d e r s t a n d . " I p o u n d e d my cock as if I were s h a k i n g a 268
THE
FERMATA
daiquiri in a busy bar, as if I were a p p l a u d i n g after a marvel ous p e r f o r m a n c e of Ravel's Mother Goose Suite, as if I were playing t h e only m a r a c a in a salsa b a n d . My b o d y b o u n c e d a n d flopped o n t h e vinyl p a d s . " W h o a , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " C o u l d you track t h a t ? " I asked. " N o way," she said. " G o slower. Slower." "How about that?" " N o p e . Slower. Slower. Slower still. Slower. T h e r e ! T h a t ' s the fastest you c a n go. Is t h a t g o i n g to b e fast e n o u g h ? " I m a d e a d o u b t f u l noise. " T h a t is awfully slow. I s n ' t t h a t a b o u t how slow I was g o i n g w h e n y o u asked m e to d e m o n strate my slow speed? I really honestly d o n ' t k n o w t h a t I will b e able to c o m e g o i n g t h a t slow." T h e r e was s o m e i n a u d i b l e c o n f e r r i n g o n t h e i r side of t h e i n t e r c o m . T h e n Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n said, " O k a y , t h a t ' s fine, A r n o . N o t to worry. Give us a second. W e ' r e g o i n g to try s o m e t h i n g different. J u s t h a n g o n for a m o m e n t . " " O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , " I a d d e d in a t h o u g h t f u l t o n e . " I guess you d o n ' t need m e to c o m e , right? T h e r e is n o real r e a s o n why I n e e d to c o m e for this m o t i o n study. H o w selfc e n t e r e d of m e . " Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ' s voice c a m e o n . " O n t h e contrary, I think it's crucial for t h e success of this p r e l i m i n a r y study t h a t you m a s t u r b a t e straight t h r o u g h . You yourself a l l u d e d to t h e r e a s o n why j u s t a m o m e n t a g o . As y o u a p p r o a c h climax, you will b e feeling s u c h p l e a s u r e a n d s t r o k i n g y o u r p e n i s so fast t h a t you'll b e m u c h m o r e likely to t r a u m a t i z e t h e nerves h e a t h w i t h o u t k n o w i n g it." " Y o u ' r e q u i t e right," I said. " I d o have to c o m e . " "Just give us a n o t h e r s e c o n d to t u n e t h e g a t e - a n d - c o r r e l a t e software. You s e e , " she e x p l a i n e d , "we have to b e a b l e to stay 269
NICHOLSON
BAKER
fixed o n precisely t h e s a m e cross-section of o n e tiny r e g i o n in y o u r a r m , n o m a t t e r h o w fast you m o v e o r h o w you t u r n , w h i c h is n o easy task. W e d o it with t h e h e l p of a n entirely s e p a r a t e o p t i c a l t r a c k i n g system. T h e optical system, by t h e way, i n c o r p o r a t e s s o m e h a r d w a r e t h a t was originally devel o p e d by M a r t i n M a r i e t t a for o n e of t h e Defense D e p a r t m e n t ' s t a r g e t r e c o g n i t i o n p r o g r a m s . It d o e s two h u n d r e d a n d fifty c o m p a r e s a s e c o n d , which is very fast—it s h o u l d b e fast e n o u g h for this a p p l i c a t i o n . " " S o I w o u l d n ' t b e h e r e n a k e d , d o i n g this, if it w e r e n ' t for t h e D e p a r t m e n t of D e f e n s e ? " I said. " T h e r e y o u go. W h o says military r e s e a r c h d o e s n ' t have h u m a n i t a r i a n payoffs?" " B e a r with u s for j u s t a little l o n g e r , A r n o , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . I gave my r i c h a r d a c o u p l e of m a i n t e n a n c e strokes every fifteen s e c o n d s o r so. Finally I h e a r d h e r say, " O k a y , w e ' r e set. Y o u m a y start a c t u a l m a s t u r b a t i o n at any time." "Okay, I ' m s t a r t i n g , " I said. " I ' m back to t h e K o k o m o grip. It d o e s n ' t feel all t h a t g r e a t y e t — I ' m d o i n g it b e c a u s e I know it will feel g o o d very shortly. T h e r e is s o m e definite tinglinga c t i o n in my fingers. I'll give you a play-by-play. T h i s is great to b e allowed to j e r k off in a fucking m e g a - m a g n e t like this. I j u s t k n o w I ' m g o i n g to b e a different p e r s o n after I c o m e in this b i g - m a m a m a g n e t . F o c u s it right o n my b i g dick. Par d o n m y l a n g u a g e : if you w a n t m e to talk while I d o it, I ' m g o i n g to have to talk dirty. You k n o w w h a t it r e m i n d s m e of? Zardoz. Zardoz is a movie with S e a n C o n n e r y . T h e s e s u p e r i o r b e i n g s b r i n g C o n n e r y i n t o t h e i r ship, a n d t h e w o m a n s u p e r i o r b e i n g w h o is in c h a r g e of r e s e a r c h i n g h i m tries to find o u t w h a t m a k e s his h e a r t b e a t faster. T h e y project various sexual i m a g e s o n a screen in t h e s p a c e s h i p to see how h e will r e a c t — a p a i r of breasts b e i n g s o a p e d u p , for e x a m p l e . His 270
THE
FERMATA
brain-wave levels r e m a i n utterly c a l m a n d u n m o v e d . A n d t h e n C o n n e r y looks straight at h e r , at t h e w o m a n r e s e a r c h e r , a n d instantly t h e EEG oscilloscopes start h o p p i n g a n d b e e p i n g right off t h e c h a r t . So it's t h e s u p e r i o r being who gets h i m wild. Now, it seems a little i m p l a u s i b l e t o m e t h a t t h e s o a p e d - u p breasts w o u l d d o n o t h i n g at all for C o n n e r y — t h e y certainly did s o m e t h i n g for m e w h e n I saw this movie b a c k in t h e seventies. I h a v e n ' t seen it since a n d yet I r e m e m b e r it as t h e finest footage of s o a p e d - u p breasts I've ever seen, partly b e cause it was so teasingly q u i c k . " " A r n o — t h e p a i n in y o u r a r m , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " W h a t is its status?" " S o n y . I ' m e x p e r i e n c i n g a little m o r e p a i n j u s t above m y wrist, a n d a cold feeling in m y h a n d . B u t it h u r t s g o o d , it's well worth it. I ' m g o i n g to shift to t h e fist-fucking g r i p . Yeah, there we go. Yeah! T o c o m e for you h e r e this evening, I t h i n k I ' m g o i n g to a d a p t t h a t scene in Zardoz: I ' m g o i n g to t h i n k of a guy w h o is asked to m a s t u r b a t e inside a h u g e m a g n e t i c t u n n e l while t h r e e w o m e n s u p e r i o r b e i n g s observe his c a r p a l t u n n e l . T h e y are interested in d e t e r m i n i n g with scientific c e r t i t u d e w h e t h e r his m a s t u r b a t i o n c o n t r i b u t e s to his n e r v o u s inflam m a t i o n . It a l m o s t certainly d o e s , b u t they w a n t to c a p t u r e t h e i m a g e s of t h e p o o r frail nerve l e a d i n g t o his h a n d g e t t i n g squeezed a n d t r a u m a t i z e d as h e gives himself p l e a s u r e . T h e y are trying o u t s o m e b r a n d - n e w fancy software t h a t focuses t h e m a g n e t i c field in a new way. T h i s software uses s o m e tricks refined over at C E R N , in fact. B u t this n e w software h a s a b u g ; it has a serious u n i n t e n d e d side-effect o n this m a s t u r b a t i n g m a n . T h e y t r i m his p u b i c hair, they d o t his dick in a tribal p a t t e r n , they shove h i m in t h e m a g n e t , a n d they tell h i m to start j a c k i n g off, a n d t h e n , as his h a n d is shuffling s m o o t h l y u p a n d d o w n o n his penis, s o m e k i n d of bizarre, a n o m a l o u s 271
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m i c r o - f u n n e l develops in t h e universal c o r e of time. A c h r o n o m a l y . W i t h i n t h e m a g n e t , t i m e is sucked in o n itself a n d twisted a n d c o m p r e s s e d in s u c h a way t h a t t h e m a n ' s n e r v e — w h i c h is w h e r e all t h e analytic s t r e n g t h of t h e r e s o n a t i n g system is f o c u s e d — h i s nerve acquires t h e ability to stop a n d start t i m e ' s p r o g r e s s at will. W h a t h a p p e n s is: t h e m a n ' s a r m h e a t s u p for a s e c o n d , tingling, as if it's in a microwave o n defrost, a n d t h e n h e discovers t h a t h e c a n p u t h u m a n i t y o n h o l d every t i m e h e s n a p s his m i d d l e finger. H e lets go of his dick a n d h e tries it o u t . Like this:
snap"
I s n a p p e d my fingers. At o n c e I was lying in c o m p l e t e e u p h o r i c silence. My Fold-powers were back. I crawled o u t of t h e m a c h i n e a n d walked n a k e d into t h e c o n t r o l r o o m , m y weighty r i c h a r d l e a d i n g t h e way. Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n was w e a r i n g h e a d p h o n e s . S h e was l e a n i n g back in h e r chair, h e r h a n d r e s t i n g thoughtfully o n h e r m o u t h , frowning in c o n c e n t r a t i o n at a m o n i t o r t h a t showed a n i m a g e of m e lying feet first, legs p a r t e d , with my h a n d c l u t c h i n g my e r e c t i o n . I ' d n e v e r seen myself from t h a t a n g l e before. It was n o t a p r e t t y sight. O n e of t h e associates was sitting at t h e o t h e r large m o n i t o r , w h i c h showed a l o n g glowing t h i n g t h a t was a p p a r e n t l y t h e nerve in my wrist d o n e u p in t h e usual intense greens and blues and oranges. T h e other woman, the C h i n e s e w o m a n , was s t a n d i n g b e h i n d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , looking on. I knelt a n d o p e n e d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ' s lab coat a n d p u l l e d h e r r i b b e d g r e e n t u r t l e n e c k o u t of h e r p a n t s . I b u n c h e d it u p at h e r c o l l a r b o n e a n d p u l l e d t h e c u p s of h e r b r a d o w n so h e r n i p p l e s p o p p e d o u t . T h e y were erect, I was p l e a s e d to n o t i c e , a n d surprisingly dark, like two Raisinets. " I c a n ' t h e l p it—I n e e d to suck y o u r tits," I said to her, a n d I did, tactfully, untheatrically. I wrote, " T h a n k s , " o n a white Post-It 272
THE
FERMATA
n o t e a n d stuck it o n h e r left breast. T h e n I p u t h e r c l o t h e s back in o r d e r a n d w e n t b a c k in t h e scan r o o m a n d c l i m b e d into t h e m a g n e t a n d r e s u m e d my f o r m e r p o s i t i o n . I s n a p p e d my fingers again. T h e noise of t h e c o o l a n t s t a r t e d b a c k u p . Immediately
I
heard
Dr.
Orowitz-Rudman
exclaim,
" W h o o p s ! Lost o u r fix. A r n o , we lost o u r fix o n you. W h a t h a p p e n e d in t h e r e ? " " I s n a p p e d my
fingers."
"Okay, look, please d o n ' t d o that. T h e r e a r e limits to o u r tracking system. J u s t k e e p s t r o k i n g y o u r p e n i s if y o u c a n . " " H o w m u c h l o n g e r d o you w a n t m e to c o n t i n u e ? " I asked. I was j u b i l a n t at h a v i n g my powers back. " H o w m u c h p a i n a r e you i n ? " she asked. " M m m , this is a b o u t as painful as it g e t s — t i n g l i n g u p my whole f o r e a r m , " I r e p o r t e d . "I t h i n k you s h o u l d go a h e a d a n d c l i m a x s o o n . I t h i n k we've got e n o u g h n o w to g e n e r a t e q u i t e a t h o r o u g h n e u r a l c o n d u c tivity profile." "You want m e to c o m e for y o u ? " T h e f o u l - p a t t e r u r g e was rising in m e . "Yes," she said neutrally. "You want it? Y o u w a n t to see it? O h , G o d , I w a n t to give it to you. T h i s guy, this guy w h o ' s in t h e MRI m a c h i n e , h e snaps his fingers a n d t i m e stops. H e u n d e r s t a n d s w h a t ' s g o i n g o n , h e ' s n o t freaked, b e c a u s e it h a p p e n e d o n c e b e f o r e w h e n s o m e b o d y p u t a s a m p l e of his b l o o d in a c e n t r i f u g e a n d s p u n it very fast a n d t i m e was i n t e r r u p t e d . So t i m e is s t o p p e d , a n d h e crawls o u t of t h e m a c h i n e , n a k e d , j e r k i n g o n his b i g swol len dick-knob, a n d h e s c a m p e r s i n t o t h e c o n t r o l r o o m a n d h e throws back t h e d o c t o r ' s lab c o a t a n d pulls u p h e r shirt a n d brings h e r tits o u t a n d h e laps at t h e m . T h a t ' s w h a t h e ' s w a n t e d from t h e m o m e n t h e saw her, h e ' s w a n t e d to suckle 273
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h o s e h a r d little n i p p l e s with his m o u t h — o h , m a n , m a - h a - h a ha-han—" " A little slower if you c a n , A r n o , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n gently. " T h e i m a g e is d e g r a d i n g . " " I forgot. I'll try. I'll try. A n d so t h e n h e p u t s h e r tits back in h e r b r a a n d tucks h e r shirt in a n d s c a m p e r s back into t h e m a g n e t a n d h e lies t h e r e o n t h e p a d j u s t w h e r e h e was a n d s n a p s his fingers, a n d t i m e starts u p again, a n d h e lies t h e r e t h i n k i n g of t h e tits h e h a s j u s t sucked o n , h o w great they felt in his h a n d s , a n d it's s u c h a t r e m e n d o u s t h o u g h t t h a t h e has to c o m e , h e d o e s n ' t c a r e h o w m u c h it h u r t s — o h , t h a t ' s right. I w a n t to c o m e inside y o u r m a g n e t , d o c t o r . It h u r t s , b u t I d o n ' t care. I like y o u to take all kinds of g r a p h i c pictures of my nerve while I p u m p this h o t nasty piece of m e a t off for you. I like b e i n g h a r d a n d h o t in y o u r core. O h , doctor. Doctor? I've got to call y o u S u s a n w h e n I c o m e . Sorry. Is t h a t okay?" " T h a t ' s okay," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . "Just try to stroke a little slower, if it's at all p o s s i b l e . " " O h , t h a n k you. O h Susan, o h Susan, o h Susan, uff, uffuck. Tell m e you w a n t to see m e c o m e . I w a n t to h e a r you say it." I h e a r d only silence over t h e i n t e r c o m , a n d t h e n : "As I said before, I d o t h i n k it's i m p o r t a n t for you to c l i m a x . " " I will climax, you bet, you got it. I ' m g o i n g to t h i n k of y o u r tits a n d climax. O h , you gave m e y o u r lipstick to h o l d . T h a t was so g o o d of you. I wish I could've circled y o u r lips a n d n i p p l e s with it. O h t h a t feels nice. Squeeze my m e a t , Susan. S q u e e z e it in y o u r b i g m a g n e t i c h o l e . O p e n t h a t h o l e u p for m e . Suck m e in, baby. O h G o d yeah. T i g h t e n t h a t force down o n m y cock, uffuck. Uffuck. H e r e it is: o h yeah, o h fuck yeah. O h yeah! UrrrrrF' I let t h e c o m e s h o t s j u m p u p a n d l a n d o n m y s t o m a c h muscles. I lay t h e r e for w h a t s e e m e d like a l o n g t i m e , b r e a t h i n g peacefully. " A m I d o n e ? " I beatifically asked at last. 274
THE
FERMATA
"Almost," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " N o r m a l l y , at this p o i n t m i g h t you r e s u m e writing?" "If I'd b e e n a l t e r n a t i n g writing a n d j a c k i n g , yes." " T h e n c o u l d you type t h e baseline s e n t e n c e a g a i n ? " she said. " I t m i g h t b e useful to have. R e m e m b e r it? T h e c u r e . . . ' ? " " D o n ' t tell m e ! " I p u t t h e fake k e y b o a r d o n my chest, avoid i n g t h e s p e r m , a n d typed t h e s e n t e n c e from m e m o r y . T h e technicians d r a g g e d m e o u t o n t h e g a n t r y a n d h a n d e d m e a b r o w n p a p e r towel. I sat u p , feeling a little sleepy a n d dazed, a n d p u t o n my gown. I n t h e c o n t r o l r o o m , Dr. OrowitzR u d m a n m e t m e a n d led m e to t h e r o o m w h e r e my c l o t h e s were. "I t h i n k t h a t w e n t well, d o n ' t y o u ? " she said. " I ' m sorry I fixated so totally o n y o u . " " D o n ' t a p o l o g i z e , " she said. " W e were fixated o n you, you were fixated o n u s . " "It's j u s t t h a t a w o m a n d o c t o r asking m e to m a s t u r b a t e is like a d r e a m c o m e t r u e . . . " " I u n d e r s t a n d — l e t ' s n o t b e l a b o r it. My only r e g r e t is t h a t t h e i m a g i n g system c o u l d n ' t q u i t e k e e p u p with y o u a n d I h a d to keep telling you to slow d o w n . I h o p e you h a d a n okay o r g a s m even so?" " O h , it was a d a n d y . N o , t h a t was fine t h a t y o u told m e to slow down—slow is g o o d . " S h e told m e t h a t I c o u l d set u p a n a p p o i n t m e n t with h e r in several weeks to g o over t h e nerve-profiles. " B u t from w h a t I saw o n t h e m o n i t o r s , I w o u l d suggest t h a t you switch t o y o u r left h a n d if you w a n t to get rid of y o u r c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b lem." "I'll b e g i n t o m o r r o w , " I said. " T h a n k you, d o c t o r . " I c o u l d n ' t quite say " S u s a n " at this p o i n t . " T h a n k you for t a k i n g p a r t , " she said. W e s h o o k h a n d s . T h e n , smiling, she s n a p p e d h e r fingers. "Just like t h a t ? " 275
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" R i g h t , j u s t like t h a t , " I said, pleased. I s n a p p e d my fingers for her, a n d while she s t o o d fixedly, still in t h e midst of h e r g o o d - n a t u r e d , faintly flirtatious leave-taking smile, I kissed h e r n a m e - t a g a n d r e m o v e d t h e white Post-It n o t e from inside h e r b r a . It w o u l d only have p e r p l e x e d a n d d i s t u r b e d h e r to discover it stuck to h e r b r e a s t ( t h a t soft, heavy, s o m e w h a t sticky breast) t h a t evening. A n d w h a t if she t o o k off h e r b r a in front of h e r h u s b a n d , a n d h e n o t i c e d it t h e r e before she d i d — a n o t e saying THANKS o n h e r breast? It w o u l d have c a u s e d needless suffering. T o r e c u p e r a t e from t h e e x p e r i m e n t , I s p e n t t h e n e x t five days s n a p p e d i n t o t h e Fold r e a d i n g Louisa May Alcott; I d i d n ' t g o n e a r a c o m p u t e r k e y b o a r d o r my p e n i s t h e whole t i m e . My wrist p a i n , w h i c h at first was so b a d I c o u l d barely o p e n a p i e c e of j u n k mail, m o d e r a t e d considerably. I bor r o w e d a friend's H e r m e s m a n u a l p o r t a b l e a n d u s e d it to d o s o m e of my creative r o t t i n g ; t h e d e e p e r keystrokes were, as Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n h a d suggested, a kind of physical therapy. A n d I d i d briefly try to t e a c h myself to j a c k ambidickstrously, b u t I failed: m y left h a n d simply d i d n o t feel g o o d e n o u g h . After a m o n t h , I called Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n to s c h e d u l e a follow-up visit. S h e called m e b a c k t h a t evening. I told h e r t h a t my wrist was d o i n g a lot better, t h a n k s to her. I asked h e r how t h e m o t i o n studies were g o i n g , a n d she said they were g o i n g well. "We've d e c i d e d to focus o n k e y b o a r d p r o b l e m s for now, t h o u g h , " she said. " O h ? B u t w h a t a b o u t — o t h e r obvious causes? You were so enthusiastic. Y o u were so—forgive t h e j a r g o n — s e x - p o s i t i v e . " I c o u l d n ' t h e l p s o u n d i n g slightly d i s a p p o i n t e d . " W e established t h e link informally a n d t h a t ' s as far as we c a n take it for t h e t i m e b e i n g , " she said. " I w a n t to c o n c e n t r a t e o n k e y b o a r d - r e l a t e d injuries for right n o w . " 276
THE
FERMATA
" I knew it," I said sadly. " I was t o o talkative in t h e m a g n e t . " She said n o , it wasn't really that. " I t t u r n s o u t t h a t t h e r e are p r o b l e m s with d o i n g sexual r e s e a r c h . F o r s o m e r e a s o n , t h e p e o p l e w h o h a n d o u t r e s e a r c h g r a n t s d o n ' t take w h a t y o u ' r e d o i n g seriously if it's r e l a t e d to m a s t u r b a t i o n . " This s o u n d e d believable. I told h e r I u n d e r s t o o d ; i n d e e d , I used t h a t three-word s e n t e n c e t h a t e n d s so m a n y affairs of t h e heart: / understand
completely. "Anyway," I said, "it certainly
was a p l e a s a n t e v e n i n g for m e . T i m e well s p e n t . T h a t m a g n e t really focused my a t t e n t i o n o n t h e p r o b l e m . " " G o o d , " she said. S h e wished m e all t h e best with my p o r nography.
277
17
T JL.
H U S BEGAN
MY LATEST A N D LONGEST FERMATA PHASE,
THE
loose, easy, f i n g e r - s n a p p i n g p h a s e , t h e p h a s e I r e m a i n e d in u n t i l q u i t e recently. I w o u l d n o w like to take a m o m e n t to say a little prayerlike t h i n g a b o u t my life. I a m so very f o r t u n a t e to have b e e n a b l e to see all t h e n a k e d w o m e n ' s breasts I have seen. T h a t ' s w h a t it really c o m e s d o w n to. I a m j u s t shocked by h o w lucky I a m . N o life c o u l d b e finer t h a n m i n e . N o compulsively p r o m i s c u o u s a c t o r o r p o p singer, n o p h o t o g r a p h e r for a m e n ' s m a g a z i n e , h a s a b e t t e r life, for I c a n take off a w o m a n ' s c l o t h e s en passant, as a m o m e n t a r y diversion, with o u t m y t e n d e r s t r i p p a g e i n t e r f e r i n g in any way with h e r life o r with m i n e . T h e average w o m a n , t h e u n e x c e p t i o n a l w o m a n , 278
THE
FERMATA
the interestingly ugly w o m a n , I c a n stare at in a state of s u d d e n n u d i t y ( h e r s a n d / o r m i n e ) o n a sidewalk, o r in t h e unflattering light of a r e c o r d store, a n d n o b o d y else c a n . T h e r e are w h o l e phyla of b r e a s t - s h a p e t h a t t h e p u b l i c at large d o e s n ' t know a b o u t , b e c a u s e t h e w o m e n w h o possess these breast-shapes d o n o t ever b a r e t h e m e x c e p t to t h e i r lovers a n d spouses a n d radiologists. A n d these e v e r - h i d d e n p l e n u m s , perfect in t h e i r i n d i s p e n s a b l e i m p e r f e c t i o n , t h a t by t h e i r h a n g - a n g l e a n d s c o o p e d realism of curve sing o u t , " W e two are quite m o d e s t breasts! W e two breasts c h o o s e n o t to a p p e a r n a k e d in p u b l i c ! " I get to fill my m i n d with u n t i l I u n d e r s t a n d t h e m . I love modesty, o r Modesty; I love to see a n d kiss M o d esty a n d suck Modesty's n i p p l e s a n d w h i s p e r to Modesty h o w arrestingly m o d e s t she is. A n d I have b e e n a b l e to d o that. I h a v e n ' t b e e n p u n i s h e d for it, either. Dr. Jekyll, F a u s t u s , Stravinsky's soldat, t h e ballet d a n c e r in The Red Shoes, G o l l u m , Wells's invisible m a n a n d t i m e traveler, Dr. F r a n k e n s t e i n , a n d a t h o u s a n d m o r e r e c e n t h o r r o r h e r o e s all m a s t e r s o m e quasis u p e r n a t u r a l p o w e r a n d are p u n i s h e d for it, w o r n o u t by it, destroyed by it. H o w false a n d w e a r i s o m e this o u t c o m e is. W h y s h o u l d a life with s o m e u n u s u a l m e t a p h y s i c a l f e a t u r e b u i l t into it inevitably e n d in u n h a p p i n e s s a n d early d e a t h ? W h y s h o u l d all t h e h e r o e s have s o m e fatal flaw t h a t causes t h e m to overreach a n d h e n c e to self-destruct? It's t o o c o n v e n i e n t . Even t h e two q u i e t e r ( a n d surprisingly similar, o n e to a n o t h e r ) literary artifacts t h a t treat c o n d i t i o n s of t e m p o r a l h a l t which r e s e m b l e m y own private F o l d o u t s — I a m s p e a k i n g h e r e of A m b r o s e Bierce's " A n O c c u r r e n c e at Owl C r e e k B r i d g e " a n d Borges's " T h e Secret M i r a c l e " — b o t h p u n i s h t h e i r h e r o e s severely: they e n d with military e x e c u t i o n s . I r e a d these two stories in h i g h school with a sense of d e e p p e r s o n a l dissatisfac tion. Is this all a writer thinks a F o l d - d r o p c o u l d b e a b o u t ? 279
NICHOLSON
BAKER
P u t t i n g off d e a t h at t h e last m i n u t e ? W h e r e are t h e superven ient h e b e p h r e n i a s ? W h e r e is t h e life? Where are the tits? I n reality, I ' m h e r e to r e p o r t , p e o p l e very often get away with t h i n g s . I have n o t b e e n c a u g h t a n d i m p r i s o n e d for w h a t I have d o n e ; a n d besides, I a m not Dr. Jekyll o r Dr. F r a n k e n stein a n d d o n ' t deserve t o r m e n t s a n d agonies. Even if I p u b lish this m e m o i r as a b o o k , a n d s o m e o n e recognizes herself in it a n d p r o s e c u t e s m e for a relevant sex-offense (I have g o n e t h r o u g h t h e m a n u s c r i p t , by t h e way, a n d altered a few n a m e s a n d f u d g e d a few d a t e s to d e c r e a s e t h e possibility of this h a p p e n i n g , b u t it still m i g h t ) , my life will still s e e m to m e to have b e e n a g o o d life a n d I will s e e m to myself to have b e e n a m a n w h o w a n t e d to d o n o h a r m a n d w h o in fact did n o harm. I n p a r t I a m s e l f - r i g h t e o u s - m i n d e d at t h e m o m e n t b e c a u s e of s o m e r e c e n t d e v e l o p m e n t s h a v i n g to d o with t h e all-impor t a n t J o y c e Collier, J o y c e of t h e love-inspiring black p u b i c hair, w h o m I h a d to a b a n d o n early in these p a g e s in my eagerness to get as m u c h of my p a s t interlife r e c o r d e d as I c o u l d w i t h o u t n e w p r e o c c u p y i n g i n t e r r u p t i o n s . O n a Friday at work two real-weeks a g o , a b o u t t h e g e n e r a l t i m e I was starting to write a b o u t t a k i n g m y w a t c h off for R h o d y in t h e T h a i r e s t a u r a n t , I l o o k e d over at t h e h e a d of a certain squash-playing l o a n officer n a m e d P a u l at MassBank a n d s u d d e n l y felt t h a t I w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to s t a n d g o i n g to work t h a t c o m i n g Monday; m o r e o v e r , I felt I w o u l d n ' t b e able to s t a n d g o i n g to work at all u n t i l I h a d finished a g o o d d e a l m o r e of this m e m o i r . I called m y c o o r d i n a t o r a n d asked h e r for a whole week off from t h e b a n k . (I c o u l d n ' t afford m o r e t h a n a week.) A n d I s t r e t c h e d t h a t o n e u n p a i d week i n t o twenty-three precious days ( c o u n t i n g t h e final w e e k e n d ) of a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l soli t u d e , simply by u p p i n g from o n e to two t h e n u m b e r of per280
THE
FERMATA
sonal Snap-days I inserted b e t w e e n every real c a l e n d a r day. This m e a n t t h a t I was a g i n g t h r e e times as fast as a n o r m a l h u m a n b e i n g , b u t I wasn't t r o u b l e d by that. I d i d m y e r r a n d s every t h i r d " d a y , " a n d b e c a u s e I was w o r k i n g so h a r d o n this book, I d i d n ' t get as lonely as I w o u l d have e x p e c t e d in t h e interim; a m o m e n t of friendliness with a b a n k teller o r a waitress o n t h e c a l e n d a r days was e n o u g h to carry m e t h r o u g h the two i n t e r i o r Arno-days t h a t followed. I n t a k i n g t h a t week off from MassBank, I was of c o u r s e p u t t i n g J o y c e Collier off as well—I still w a n t e d to ask h e r o u t , b u t I knew t h a t any s u d d e n h u b b u b o r h e a r t b r e a k c o n c e r n i n g h e r w o u l d distract m e from t h e F o l d - a d v e n t u r e s in my past. I also h a d a h o p e t h a t if I was g o n e from Joyce's office for a w h o l e week, she m i g h t notice t h a t h e r w o r k i n g days felt different with m e n o t t h e r e d o i n g h e r tapes, a n d m a y b e t h a t she l o o k e d forward to g o i n g to work a little less in my a b s e n c e — a n d from t h e r e I h o p e d t h a t she w o u l d move closer t o a c o n s c i o u s realization that she really liked m e . Towards t h e e n d of this final three-week retreat, as I re created for t h e r e c o r d my m a g n e t i c - r e s o n a n c e scan with Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , I was visited by a little realization of my own. It will s e e m ludicrously obvious to t h e r e a d e r , b u t to m e it felt like real progress. My realization was t h a t I w o u l d have to tell J o y c e a b o u t t h e Fold right at t h e outset, before I tried to fuck h e r even o n c e . T h e r e c o u l d b e n o m o r e secrets: if I was g o i n g to shock Joyce with my c h r o n a n i s m , I h a d to shock h e r from t h e start, a n d if I was g o i n g to s e d u c e h e r with t h e Fold's h e l p , she would, unlike Rhody, have to b e a k n o w i n g party to t h e seduction. T h a t decided, I discovered I liked t h e idea of finally telling s o m e o n e . It m i g h t m a k e m e , "just a t e m p , " a little m o r e g l a m o r o u s in h e r eyes. T h e n i g h t before I was to see J o y c e again, I c o u l d n ' t sleep 28 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
for a b o u t two h o u r s early in t h e m o r n i n g . I D r o p p e d d u r i n g m o s t of m y i n s o m n i a , b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t want to waste t h e n i g h t in sleeplessness. I w a n t e d to b e fresh for her. I lay in b e d in a p a u s e d universe with my h a n d c u p p e d over my troika; every t i m e I t h o u g h t of telling h e r t h a t I h a d tied h e r knit dress a r o u n d h e r waist in t h e m i d d l e of t h e a f t e r n o o n a n d t o u c h e d h e r h i p s a n d felt h e r s p a r k l i n g vafro, I c o u l d feel my malefac t o r c o m e alive. I wanted to tell h e r t h e s h o c k i n g t h i n g t h a t I h a d d o n e . I w a n t e d h e r to forgive m e a n d love m e for it. H e r e is h o w I asked h e r o u t t h e n e x t day. A r o u n d eleventhirty, she c a m e by to d r o p off a t a p e a n d waved. I w h i p p e d off m y p h o n e s . " H o w were t h i n g s h e r e last week?" I asked. J o y c e was w e a r i n g a g r e e n dress I ' d never seen before; h e r black h a i r was loosely tied in b a c k with t h e Cyrillic scarf. I took this as a g o o d o m e n . " I ' m s w a m p e d with various disasters," she said. " W e missed you. T h e p e r s o n they sent to fill in for you was n o n e too speedy." " I ' m sorry to h e a r t h a t . " I h e l d o u t my h a n d a n d J o y c e gave m e t h e microcassette. "I'll have this d o n e in n o t i m e , " I said. "I've missed these tapes, y o u know. I like b e i n g in t h e m i d d l e of t y p i n g s o m e t h i n g you've j u s t said i n t o my e a r a n d looking u p a n d s e e i n g you walk across t h e floor." T h i s t o o k J o y c e a tiny bit by surprise. " H o w was y o u r vaca tion?" " I t was g o o d , q u i t e g o o d . Long, t h o u g h . " " W h a t have you b e e n u p t o ? " "I've b e e n — t h i s s o u n d s i n s a n e — b u t I've b e e n writing my a u t o b i o g r a p h y , " I said. " H a v e y o u led a n i n t e r e s t i n g life?" Joyce asked. I l e a n e d forward. "Well, you k n o w — I have! I have. W h a t about you?" 282
THE
FERMATA
"No." " T h a t ' s u n f o r t u n a t e , " I said. " W h a t c a n I d o to h e l p ? " " F i n d s o m e o n e to sweep m e away s o m e w h e r e . T h e p r o b l e m is t h a t I have n o time to d o i n t e r e s t i n g stuff, b e c a u s e I ' m so busy d o i n g stuff that's u n i n t e r e s t i n g . Actually, o n Saturdays I go to a b o t a n i c a l d r a w i n g class at t h e A r n o l d A r b o r e t u m . " " O h , well there, t h a t ' s a positive s t e p , " I said. " I h a v e n ' t drawn a p l a n t in years. Is it f u n ? " "Yes," said Joyce. " P l a n t s sit still. It's like m e d i t a t i o n , b u t it's better, b e c a u s e y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e p l a n t , a n d n o t a b o u t yourself." I s h o o k my h e a d sadly. "I wish I h a d m o r e art in m y life r i g h t now. I did allow s o m e m e d i c a l r e s e a r c h e r s to p a i n t re flective p a i n t o n several p a r t s of my b o d y a few m o n t h s a g o . Does t h a t c o u n t as a n artistic e x p e r i e n c e ? " "I s h o u l d t h i n k s o , " said Joyce. S h e asked w h a t t h e r e searchers were trying to find o u t . I told h e r it h a d to d o with m y c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b l e m . " T h e y were trying to figure o u t h o w m u c h of m y p r o b l e m was d u e to typing a n d h o w m u c h was d u e to o t h e r factors." "Like what o t h e r factors? Y o u k n o w I have a t o u c h of car pal, t o o , " she confided. " I ' m sorry. T h e o t h e r m a i n factor was—well—it's
this
h o b b y of m i n e , s o m e t h i n g I d o in m y s p a r e t i m e . " " O h ? " she said. " I n fact," I said, " I have to talk to you a b o u t it." "About—?" It was definitely time to ask J o y c e o u t . H e r e x p r e s s i o n h a d identifiable e l e m e n t s of puzzled, p r o v o k e d interest. H e r eyes were—I t h i n k this is t h e only w o r d for w h a t they were d o i n g — they were shining. Yet w h a t w o u l d t h e look o n h e r face b e w h e n she l e a r n e d t h a t I h a d already D r o p p e d in o n h e r a p a r t 283
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m e n t ? I n e e d e d a m o m e n t to collect my t h o u g h t s . W i t h o u t b l i n k i n g , I softly s n a p p e d my fingers. I relaxed. T h e easy t h i n g to d o w o u l d b e to u n d r e s s h e r now: if I u n d r e s s e d h e r now a n d s t o o d o n t h e desk a n d t o u c h e d t h e tip of h e r n o s e with my erect stain-stick o r stroked h e r c h e e k with it in a friendly way, I knew t h a t I w o u l d p h r a s e my r e q u e s t for a d a t e m o r e confi dently. B u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to c h e a t a n d d o that. I c o u l d go back to h e r a p a r t m e n t a n d lie o n h e r b e d a n d gain s t r e n g t h a n d c o n f i d e n c e from h a v i n g b e e n t h e r e again. B u t n o — t h e whole p o i n t of this d a t e was for m e n o t to trespass u n a s k e d . I n e e d e d a distraction. Still e n F o l d e d , I walked briskly all t h e way to t h e G a p cloth i n g store in t h e C o p l e y Place Mall a n d t o o k off t h e shirt of every w o m a n in it ( t h e r e were eleven w o m e n ) , singing the country-western G a p j i n g l e from t h e seventies: " F a l l — i n — t o — t h e — G a p . " I d r a p e d t h e i r b r a s over t h e i r shoulders. With n o p a n t s o n , I walked a r o u n d t h e racks of b r a i d e d belts a n d a l o n g t h e walls of folded shorts a n d overdyed j e a n s . I knew from previous e x p e r i e n c e t h a t t h e r e w o u l d b e sand in s o m e of the pants pockets—not because that particular pair had been w o r n to t h e b e a c h a n d t h e n r e t u r n e d , as I h a d o n c e t h o u g h t , b u t b e c a u s e t h e p a n t s were sand-washed before they were sold. T h e y c a m e p r e - s u p p l i e d with t h e i r own m e m o r i e s of t h e C a p e . I twirled slowly like a c o m p a s s n e e d l e in t h e m i d d l e of t h e store, b o t h h a n d s o n my tiller. I let my eye b e surprised by e a c h topless w o m a n in t u r n , saying, " A n d you! A n d you! I'd f o r g o t t e n a b o u t you! Wow, t h o s e are nice! H i , h o w are y o u ? " H a v i n g filled m y b r a i n with a multiplicity of n a k e d J a m a i c a s (without c o m i n g , however), I r e d r e s s e d my wrongs, p u t t i n g everything b a c k w h e r e it h a d b e e n , a n d m a d e my way back to t h e M a s s B a n k b u i l d i n g . At my desk, I s n a p p e d a n d e m e r g e d from my p e r s o n a l G a p full of self-assurance, fortified by secret 284
THE
FERMATA
acts of vulgarity, l o o k i n g at Joyce, w h o , needless to say, h a d n ' t moved d u r i n g my a b s e n c e . " W o u l d you like to have a snack with m e s o m e t i m e ? " I asked her. " W h a t kind of a snack d o y o u m e a n ? " she asked. "A d i n n e r sort of snack." " O h . " S h e smiled sideways. "I n e e d to talk to you. I've d o n e you a w r o n g , a n d I n e e d to u n b u r d e n myself." "I see," she said. "Tonight?" " H m . " S h e a l m o s t w e n t for it. B u t t h e n she said: " N o , t o n i g h t is b a d . I wish I could, b u t I ' m p r o b a b l y g o i n g to have to stay late. I ' m g o i n g to have to go over t h e stuff in t h a t t a p e w h e n you get it b a c k to m e . T h o m a s n e e d s to look at it tomorrow morning." "If I have it back to you in t e n s h o r t m i n u t e s , " I said, "will you go o u t with m e t o n i g h t ? " " T h e r e ' s a n h o u r of stuff o n t h a t t a p e ! " "I know that. I ' m j u s t saying, if I get it b a c k to you in t e n m i n u t e s , will you go o u t with m e t o n i g h t ? I k n o w it's a little strange, b u t it h a s to d o with w h a t I w a n t to talk to you a b o u t . " "Okay, yes, s u r e , " she said. I took h e r to t h e r e s t a u r a n t at t h e M é r i d i e n . As we walked there, we followed s o m e d e e p u n w r i t t e n law a d a p t e d from business practice, a law t h a t enjoins against any discussion of t h e m a i n subject u n t i l a c e r t a i n n u m b e r of r a n d o m - s e e m i n g conversational topics have arisen a n d b e e n d e a l t with a n d a c o n t e x t of cool d e t a c h m e n t t h e r e b y established. W e talked a b o u t t h e rise a n d fall of shoe-store c h a i n s a n d t h e m e r i t s of various kinds of w o m e n ' s shoes a n d w h e t h e r w o m e n ' s s h o e salesmen were invariably fetishists. (Joyce's o w n shoes were 285
NICHOLSON
BAKER
g r e a t - l o o k i n g gray flats with sexy side-buckles.) B u t as s o o n as we got s o m e wine, J o y c e said. " N o w : I w a n t you to explain to m e in detail h o w y o u d i d t h a t t a p e so fast." "If I tell you, will you tell a n y o n e ? " I asked. " Y o u c a n ' t k n o w this a b o u t m e , " J o y c e said, " b u t I never, ever tell a n y o n e a n y t h i n g t h a t was revealed to m e in confi dence." " G o o d — I w a n t to believe you. I've listened to y o u r voice so m u c h t r a n s c r i b i n g y o u r tapes t h a t I t h i n k I have u n u s u a l insights i n t o y o u r c h a r a c t e r . " " Y o u should believe m e , " said J o y c e . " I d o . N o — I t h i n k t h e p r o b l e m really is w h e t h e r you will believe m e . " " T h e only way to find o u t is to try m e , " said Joyce. So I told h e r t h a t at various p e r i o d s in my life, starting way b a c k in f o u r t h g r a d e , I'd b e e n a b l e to d i s e n g a g e myself from t i m e . I told h e r briefly a b o u t t h e race-track transformer, t h e t h r e a d g o i n g t h r o u g h my callus i n t o t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e , a b o u t t h e r u b b e r - b a n d s t r e t c h e r a n d t h e m e c h a n i c a l pencil, a n d a b o u t p u s h i n g u p m y glasses. J o y c e l a u g h e d . " A n d this m o r n i n g ? H o w d i d you d o it this morning?" " I j u s t s n a p p e d m y fingers. I w o n ' t d o it now, b u t whenever I s n a p m y fingers, t h e e n t i r e universe i m m e d i a t e l y p a u s e s for m e , like a stretch l i m o waiting for m e o n t h e street while I r u n s o m e e r r a n d . I s p e n t p r o b a b l y , o h , a n h o u r a n d a half d o i n g y o u r t a p e , with t h e universe in p a u s e - m o d e , a n d t h e n I s n a p p e d my fingers to t u r n it b a c k o n a g a i n a n d I went over to y o u r desk a n d delivered t h e work. A n d before t h a t I'd s n a p p e d a n d t a k e n over a n h o u r to go for a walk. I went d o w n to t h e G a p a n d b r o w s e d a little. So it's really a r o u n d ten o'clock at n i g h t for m e . " 286
THE
FERMATA
"You m u s t b e starving," said Joyce. " I k n o w I a m . S o m e bread?" "Thanks." Chewing, she r e g a r d e d m e . " D o you have m o r e to say?" "Yes." I h a d felt confident, even cocky, m o m e n t s before, b u t I n o w n o t i c e d t h a t my h a n d s were u n s t e a d y as I stuffed a piece of b r e a d in my m o u t h . "I've n e v e r told a n y o n e w h a t I ' m telling y o u , " I said. " I tried to tell s o m e o n e obliquely, b u t it wasn't a success." Joyce said, "Why are y o u telling m e , t h e n ? I m e a n , I ' m d e l i g h t e d t h a t you a r e — I think. B u t d o n ' t y o u w a n t to c o n t i n u e to k e e p all this to yourself if you've k e p t it t o yourself for this l o n g ? " I said, " I ' m tired of h a v i n g this b i g secret life a n d n o t b e i n g able to tell a n y o n e . " A n d s u d d e n l y I d i d feel e n o r m o u s l y tired of it. I felt as if I was g o i n g to get slightly weepy, b u t fortu nately I d i d n ' t . " I like you a n d I j u s t w a n t to tell you. I've written a b o u t it in t h e m e m o i r y t h i n g t h a t I've b e e n w o r k i n g on, a n d t h o u g h I h a v e n ' t shown t h a t to a n y o n e , h a v i n g d o n e that, g o n e p u b l i c o n t h e p a g e , I s e e m a b l e to a c c e p t m o r e easily t h e fact t h a t p e o p l e will know. It feels inevitable now, t h o u g h of c o u r s e it isn't. It's t h e n e x t step. Also, I've u s e d t h e Fold to d o t h i n g s t h a t m i g h t m a k e you u n c o m f o r t a b l e , if you knew a b o u t t h e m , a n d if they a r e g o i n g to m a k e you u n c o m fortable, I'd r a t h e r t h a t h a p p e n e d n o w a n d n o t l a t e r . " "The 'Fold'?" I went into t h e t e r m i n o l o g y in s o m e detail. W e o r d e r e d . I told h e r a b o u t t h e e q u a t i o n with t h e g a r m e n t - c a r e symbols, a n d a b o u t colliding with t h e p a r k i n g m e t e r a n d stealing two s h r i m p . I gave h e r a bowdlerized a c c o u n t of m y e x p e r i e n c e in t h e e l e c t r o m a g n e t . Finally I w o r k e d u p t h e nerve t o m e n t i o n 287
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h a t at selected times in t h e p a s t I h a d u s e d t h e Fold to take off w o m e n ' s clothes w i t h o u t t h e i r knowledge. " A h — n o w I see w h e r e we're g o i n g , " J o y c e said. " T h a t ' s n o t so g o o d . T h a t is n o t so h o t . " " I know, I know, I know, I k n o w , " I said, s h a k i n g my h e a d . " B u t w h e n I ' m d o i n g it it d o e s n ' t s e e m b a d . It seems w o n d e r ful, g o o d , positive—it seems like t h e m o s t constructive t h i n g I c o u l d possibly b e d o i n g . I j u s t d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why it s h o u l d b e so b a d a n d w r o n g for m e to take a w o m a n ' s clothes off, as l o n g as she d o e s n ' t know a b o u t it. I m e a n really, what's the big deal?" " H o w m u c h of t h e i r c l o t h i n g d o you take off?" She sipped s o m e wine, l o o k i n g at m e intently. H e r eyes were t h e color of p e a t moss; h e r p u p i l s were dilated. " O h , it d e p e n d s , " I said. " S o m e t i m e s I d o n ' t take any off, s o m e t i m e s I go d o w n to t h e bra, s o m e t i m e s I d o go a t o u c h further." "You've never told a n y o n e a b o u t this practice of yours?" " N o t directly. I've c o m e close several times, b u t n o . " S h e t o u c h e d h e r m o u t h with h e r n a p k i n . T h e n she nar r o w e d h e r eyes. " B u t n o w you've d e c i d e d to tell m e . A n d you k n o w why? I k n o w why. Y o u ' r e telling m e b e c a u s e you took my clothes off, d i d n ' t you? D i d n ' t y o u ? " "Yes." S h e let h e r h a n d fall to t h e table. N o w she l o o k e d sad—sad r a t h e r t h a n shocked. " I c a n ' t believe you did t h a t . " T o d r a w h e r a t t e n t i o n away from h e r d i s a p p o i n t m e n t in m e , I asked, " Y o u m e a n you c a n ' t believe t h a t I a m telling t h e t r u t h , o r y o u c a n ' t believe t h a t I w o u l d d o s o m e t h i n g t h a t rude and crude?" " B o t h , " she said. " G o d , I ' m so fucking sick of liars a n d sneaks a n d c h e a t s a n d weirdos. G o d . " S h e wiped h e r eyes a n d 288
THE
FERMATA
sniffed. "Last year I was in a r e l a t i o n s h i p with a guy for two m o n t h s , a n d it t u r n e d o u t t h a t h e was m a r r i e d . H e simply forgot to tell m e t h a t h e h a d a n u c l e a r family in W a s h i n g t o n , D.C. A n d n o w this." " I ' m sorry," I said. " B u t c a n I say t h a t r i g h t n o w I ' m t h e opposite of t h e m a r r i e d guy? I ' m trying n o t to deceive you. I'm telling you right o u t that, yes, I t o o k s o m e of y o u r clothes off. I a s s u m e d you w o u l d n ' t m i n d . If I h a d k n o w n as a definite fact b e f o r e h a n d t h a t you w o u l d have m i n d e d , I w o u l d n ' t have d o n e it. I know I was p r o b a b l y d e l u d i n g myself. Y o u l o o k e d wonderful. Y o u r p u b i c h a i r was like a bicycle seat." " O h J e s u s . W h e n was this?" S h e l o o k e d u p at m e , as if establishing t h e d a t e w o u l d h e l p . I took off my glasses a n d p u t my h a n d s over m y eyes to think. "It's h a r d for m e to get d a t e s right, b e c a u s e I've b e e n s p e n d i n g so m u c h time lately in t h e Fold, writing. It was t h e first week I w o r k e d at MassBank. You were walking across t h e floor o n e t i m e w e a r i n g t h a t blue-gray knit d r e s s . " I p u t my glasses back o n , which m a d e m e r e m e m b e r t h a t she h a d said back t h e n t h a t she liked my glasses. I felt t h e r e was still h o p e . " T h a t is a really nifty dress. You h a d y o u r h a i r in a F r e n c h braid, if that's w h a t they're called. Y o u were carrying s o m e files. A n d I j u s t wanted
to see more of you. W h a t c a n I say?"
" A r n o , w o u l d n ' t it have b e e n j u s t as easy to ask m e o u t ? " " N o ! It was very, very h a r d to ask you o u t today. It's j u s t n o t s o m e t h i n g I d o lightly." "Tell m e exactly what h a p p e n e d , " she said. " W h e n I took off y o u r clothes? D o y o u really w a n t to h e a r this?" " N o , it's h i d e o u s , b u t go o n . " "Well—I j u s t s n a p p e d my fingers a n d got everything to stop a n d I scooted over to you in my c h a i r a n d lifted u p 289
NICHOLSON
BAKER
y o u r dress. It was so light, it felt so g o o d , t h e knit. I lifted it u p over y o u r p a n t y h o s e a n d over y o u r h i p s a n d m a d e a sort of k n o t in it at y o u r waist. Y o u r legs felt really w a r m t h r o u g h t h e p a n t y h o s e . P a n t y h o s e m a t e r i a l is s t r a n g e stuff, like a s u b s t a n c e from a n o t h e r p l a n e t , u n p l e a s a n t w h e n you first t o u c h it, a n d yet t h e w a r m t h of y o u r skin radiates t h r o u g h it a n d h u m a n i z e s it. So I k i n d of whisked my h a n d s over your legs a n d I felt y o u r h i p b o n e s , a n d before you know it, I h a d p u l l e d y o u r p a n t y h o s e d o w n a n d I h a d my h a n d in your pubic hair." " 'Before I k n o w it' is r i g h t , " said Joyce, p o i n t i n g h e r knife at m e . " I d i d n ' t k n o w it, A r n o . I d i d n ' t have a clue t h a t y o u r h a n d was in my p u b i c hair. D o e s n ' t t h a t t r o u b l e y o u ? " " N o , b e c a u s e I fell in love with you with my h a n d in y o u r pubic hair." J o y c e m a d e a n e x a s p e r a t e d s o u n d . "Everything's r u i n e d a n d o u t of o r d e r ! I was really p l e a s e d t h a t you asked m e o u t for d i n n e r t o n i g h t . Really pleased. A n d n o w it's all confused." " I also w e n t to y o u r a p a r t m e n t . I b o r r o w e d y o u r keys." " N o . " J o y c e was i n c r e d u l o u s . " N o . " "Yes. I've seen y o u r m a t t r e s s p a d . " " A r n o , this is terrible. I d o n ' t know w h a t to think. First of all, I d o n ' t believe a w o r d of it." " U n d e r a n a n t i q u e b o t t l e in y o u r s u n p o r c h , I p u t a fortunecookie f o r t u n e I f o u n d in a bowl o n t o p of y o u r refrigerator. It says, 'Smile w h e n you are ready.' " "You need help." " I b e g y o u r p a r d o n ! I ' m n o t a b a d p e r s o n . If you ask m e to go away now, I'll g o away. I ' m h a r m l e s s . I ' m j u s t a t e m p ! I was c u r i o u s a b o u t y o u r a p a r t m e n t , t h a t ' s all." I waited for Joyce to say s o m e t h i n g , b u t she d i d n ' t . "All right. T h i s e v e n i n g has nosedived. Still, I ' m glad to h e a r t h a t you were pleased to b e 290
THE
FERMATA
asked out. T h a t ' s s o m e t h i n g . W o u l d you like s o m e m o r e wine?" "Just a t o u c h , t h a n k s . O p e , o p e , t h a t ' s p l e n t y . " S h e d r a n k a little of it. I let h e r t h i n k t h i n g s over. W e were silent for a stretch. "I s h o u l d g o , " she said. " O k a y , " I said. T h e n she said, "Prove it to m e . I w a n t y o u to d o w h a t you say you c a n d o r i g h t n o w . " "You w a n t m e to stop t i m e ? " "Yes, I d o . " "All right. I'll d o it r i g h t now. R e a d y ? " She n o d d e d . I s n a p p e d my fingers. I sat still for a while, b r e a t h i n g softly, nearly as m o t i o n l e s s as t h e rest of t h e a n i m a l a n d vegetable k i n g d o m s . T h e n I b e g a n t a p p i n g m y h a n d o n my n a p k i n . I refilled Joyce's w a t e r glass. I w e n t to t h e b a t h r o o m
and
checked h o w I looked. I l o o k e d fine—a little s h e e p i s h a n d worried a b o u t t h e eyes. I sat d o w n a g a i n a n d p o k e d a r o u n d at my plate, b u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to e a t a n y t h i n g w i t h o u t J o y c e " t h e r e . " I d i d n ' t enjoy t h e e n v e l o p i n g silence this t i m e , as I usually did; it was like sitting at a table with s o m e o n e w h o wasn't s p e a k i n g to m e . I n fact, it wasn't like that, it was that. I d i d n ' t want to b e u n d e r t h e F e r m a t a at all j u s t t h e n ; I w a n t e d time to b e r o l l i n g forward at a nice brisk clip, so t h a t J o y c e would get u s e d to t h e t h i n g s t h a t I h a d told h e r a n d forgive m e for t h e m , if forgiveness was still a possibility. It m i g h t take weeks. I s n a p p e d my fingers. "I j u s t d i d it," I said. " W h a t did you d o ? " S h e l o o k e d quickly d o w n at h e r dress a n d back at m e . " I h a d absolutely n o sense of a n y t h i n g h a p pening." 29 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" I d i d n ' t d o t h a t m u c h . I was c h a s t e n e d by y o u r reaction, so I t o o k it easy. I refilled y o u r water glass." J o y c e l o o k e d at h e r w a t e r glass suspiciously. " I t was already that high." " N o , really, it was a b o u t a q u a r t e r full," I said. " I ' m sure it was t h a t h i g h . I've b e e n d r i n k i n g mostly wine." " S h o u l d we d e b a t e w a t e r levels?" I said. " O r s h o u l d you simply tell m e w h a t y o u w a n t m e to d o , w h a t will prove to you t h a t I really c a n stop t i m e , so t h a t I c a n S n a p o u t r i g h t now a n d d o it?" " Y o u c o u l d . . . " J o y c e l o o k e d a r o u n d t h e r o o m for inspira tion. I saw h e r eyes alight o n t h e waiter. " I d o n ' t know. Any t h i n g . W h a t w o u l d y o u w a n t to d o ? " I l e a n e d forward. "See t h o s e two m e n ? I c o u l d switch their ties. B u t I d o n ' t really w a n t to d o that. I h a t e practical jokes. It's h a r d e n o u g h to tie my o w n tie. T h e Fold is sexual for m e . " I l o o k e d pensive for a m o m e n t , t h e n b r i g h t e n e d . " I c o u l d take off y o u r b r a a n d p u t it in y o u r briefcase in t h e c o a t r o o m . I'd b e h a p p y to d o that. W o u l d t h a t convince y o u ? " "Yes, it p r o b a b l y w o u l d , " said Joyce. " B u t h o l d off." I said, "If y o u c o u l d s n a p y o u r fingers r i g h t n o w a n d stop t i m e , s u s p e n d all c a u s e a n d effect, w h a t w o u l d you d o ? " I l e a n e d forward a g a i n a n d b e g a n s p e a k i n g in a soft c o a x i n g u r g e n t voice. " T h e r e ' s t h e waiter t h e r e . I saw you check h i m o u t . H e ' s got a n i c e b u t t , right? T h i n k a b o u t it. This entire r o o m is filled with cock. T h e r e is cock in every direction. P r o s p e r o u s cock, a r r o g a n t cock, d u m b cock, s m a r t cock, oldr e g i m e cock, new-age cock. W h a t w o u l d you d o ? " " A t t h e m o m e n t , if I c o u l d stop time, I'd stop time a n d use t h e facilities. Excuse m e . " W h i l e J o y c e was g o n e I stared at t h e flower in t h e b u d vase 292
THE
FERMATA
a n d felt u p t h e table u n d e r t h e t a b l e c l o t h to discover w h a t sort of surface it h a d . It h a d a r o u g h surface. I d i d n ' t think; I j u s t waited. O u r salads c a m e . Eventually J o y c e r e t u r n e d . " H i . " S h e swept h e r h a n d over the back of h e r dress as she sat d o w n , so t h a t she w o u l d n ' t m a k e wrinkles. "You d i d n ' t follow m e in t h e r e , s n a p p i n g y o u r fingers,
did y o u ? "
" N o , I was o u t h e r e t h e w h o l e t i m e . " Joyce's m o o d s e e m e d to have shifted slightly. "I was think i n g t h a t this p o w e r you say you have w o u l d o p e n u p s o m e interesting possibilities," she said. "At t h e b a n k , for i n s t a n c e , I c o u l d t h i n k of lots of t h i n g s you c o u l d find o u t . " I told h e r I wasn't all t h a t wild a b o u t white-collar c r i m e . " O r , " she c o n t i n u e d , h o l d i n g u p h e r h a n d , "it w o u l d b e very h a n d y for w o r k i n g m o t h e r s . O r forget w o r k i n g m o t h e r s . It would b e very h a n d y for m e . I c o u l d take a w h o l e day to catch u p . A silent p a r a d i s e . N o p h o n e s . I n e e d it b a d . I'd fill four t a p e s . " " T h a t ' s t r u e , " I said. "It's funny, t h o u g h . T h e idea of hav i n g time to c a t c h u p s o u n d s so luscious. B u t in reality I've f o u n d t h a t b i g c h u n k s of raw t i m e d o n ' t h e l p t h a t m u c h . Parkinson's Law b e c o m e s t h e d o m i n a n t force. P a r k i n s o n ' s Law a n d loneliness. You have to t i m e t h e t i m e - o u t s , a n d m i x t h e m in with life—that's were t h e a r t c o m e s i n . " "Still," said Joyce, " I ' d love to k n o w w h a t it was like, to w a n d e r a r o u n d B o s t o n w h e n it was totally still. N o t h i n g mov i n g b u t m e . Everyone like a statue. A r e you really serious t h a t you c a n d o this?" I nodded. She p u t h e r n a p k i n o n t h e table a n d sat u p straight in h e r chair with h e r h a n d s in h e r l a p . "Tell m e w h a t c o l o r b r a I ' m 293
NICHOLSON
BAKER
w e a r i n g . D o n ' t take it off. J u s t tell m e t h e color a n d t h e make." "Frankly I feel a little weird n o w d o i n g it," I said, flapping my a r m s to signal u n c e r t a i n t y a n d m o r a l confusion. " G o a h e a d ! " she said. " I ' m letting you. I ' m still n o t sure I believe you anyway. You have to d e m o n s t r a t e y o u ' r e n o t lying to m e . " I s n a p p e d m y fingers a n d w e n t a r o u n d to Joyce's side of t h e t a b l e a n d , after s o m e g r o p i n g , t o r e t h e small label off h e r b r a . I also kissed h e r lightly o n t h e m o u t h , so t h a t I c o u l d tell h e r I h a d . I t o o k my c h a i r a n d t u r n e d everything b a c k o n . " Y o u ' r e w e a r i n g a r e d b r a , " I r e p o r t e d . " I t is"—I p e e r e d at t h e l a b e l — " a n ' O l g a Christina.' It says, 'Gentle m a c h i n e wash w a r m , wash with like colors, n o bleach, line dry, n o i r o n . ' " " I t ' s m y favorite b r a . " "All I d i d was u n z i p t h e back of y o u r dress a n d r e a c h in. I w a n t y o u to k n o w t h a t I d i d n ' t really g r o p e at y o u r breasts o r d o a n y t h i n g in any way p r o a c t i v e . " I h e l d o u t t h e b r a label b e t w e e n m y two fingers. S h e t o o k it a n d set it d o w n beside h e r b r e a d p l a t e . " I d i d also kiss you briefly," I a d d e d . "Really? W h e r e ? " " O n t h e lips." S h e m a d e a n m m m - e x p r e s s i o n with h e r m o u t h to see if she c o u l d d e t e c t any r e s i d u a l sensations. " N o after-tingle?" I said, f e i g n i n g incredulity. " N o t h i n g , " said Joyce. " H o w d i d it g o , t h e kiss?" I said t h a t it h a d g o n e very well. " I ' m glad to h e a r it," she said. By t h e t i m e we h a d finished o u r salads t h e r e was a definite feeling of amity in t h e air. " Y o u k n o w , " I said, "while I was s n a p p e d o u t j u s t now, 294
THE
FERMATA
tearing t h e label off y o u r b r a , I t h o u g h t of s o m e t h i n g . I b e t there is a way you c o u l d e x p e r i e n c e t h e Fold-cleft with m e . " "I d o u b t it," she said. "Well, this is what I ' m t h i n k i n g , anyway. T h e
Fermata
seems to know t h a t I a m physically o n e individual, a n d it e x e m p t s m e from t h e g e n e r a l freeze. B u t w h a t if we confuse it? W h a t if my n a k e d p e n i s is in y o u r v a g i n a w h e n I s n a p m y fingers?" Joyce l a u g h e d a this-is-all-just-a-little-too-much l a u g h , b u t I could see t h a t t h e n o t i o n wasn't inconceivable to her. I went o n . "I t h i n k t h e r e ' s a g o o d c h a n c e , if we d i d that, t h a t the F e r m a t a w o u l d r e a d u s b o t h as o n e single entity. W e would have to b e in a real state of u n i o n , t h o u g h . I'd have to b e way in t h e r e , a n d y o u r legs w o u l d have to b e really locked a r o u n d m e . W e ' d have to b e h o l d i n g e a c h o t h e r e x t r a tight, a n d p r o b a b l y we'd have to b e kissing, t o o . W e ' d p r o b a b l y have to b e in love. O u r t o n g u e s w o u l d have to b e c h a s i n g e a c h o t h e r a r o u n d , a n d y o u r h a n d s w o u l d have to b e g r i p p i n g my thrusting buttcheeks—" Joyce raised h e r h a n d s . "Okay, I got it, I got t h e g e n e r a l idea." " I ' m n o t saying t h a t it's a g u a r a n t e e d s u r e t h i n g , b u t I d o think it's w o r t h a try," I said excitedly. " A r e you with m e ? " " W h e n w o u l d this h a p p e n ? " S h e h a d t h e s a m e sideways smile s h e ' d h a d w h e n I first asked h e r o u t . "We c o u l d set a d a t e , if you like. Five m i n u t e s from n o w ? " " T h a t seems s o o n , " she said. "I've lost all c o n c e p t i o n of w h a t ' s o o n ' m e a n s . D o n ' t you want to lose all c o n c e p t i o n of w h a t ' s o o n ' m e a n s , t o o ? " " I d o , kind of." S h e lowered h e r eyes. S u d d e n l y I r e m e m b e r e d b i r t h c o n t r o l . " S h o o t , t h a t ' s right. A c o n d o m is out, b e c a u s e t h e r e h a s to b e total c o n t a c t . " I 295
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m a d e p o p p i n g s o u n d s with my lips, t h i n k i n g . " Y o u ' r e n o t o n t h e pill, are y o u ? " " T h e r e ' s a m a n I see s o m e t i m e s . So I still a m technically, yes." " Y o u are? Oh—great! Perfect." I waved my h a n d s . " F o r g e t we talked a b o u t that. Let's talk a b o u t s o m e t h i n g else for a w h i l e . " I asked h e r to tell m e m o r e a b o u t h e r b o t a n i c a l draw i n g class. S h e d e s c r i b e d t h e difficulties of r e n d e r i n g bark. She talked a b o u t h e r t e a c h e r . T h e r e was a nice m o m e n t w h e n she finished saying s o m e t h i n g , a n d t o o k a bite of b r e a d , a n d n o t i c e d t h a t I was l o o k i n g at h e r with a n o d d , gleeful expres sion, a n d h e r face filled with friendly curiosity. It was time. " M a y I ? " I said. " M a y you w h a t ? " " S n a p m y fingers?" S h e d r a n k t h e rest of h e r wine. " O k a y . " I s n a p p e d my
fingers.
I c a r r i e d h e r d o w n t h e s t o p p e d escalator to a sofa in t h e lobby a n d f o u n d a r o l l i n g cart t h a t t h e b e l l h o p s used for suitcases. I w e n t i n t o t h e b a c k r o o m s a n d f o u n d several blan kets a n d pillows a n d p a d d e d t h e cart with t h e m . I p u t h e r d o w n o n t h e cart, o n h e r side, with h e r legs b e n t . It took m e less t h a n a n h o u r to p u s h h e r to h e r a p a r t m e n t . I stayed mostly in t h e m i d d l e of t h e street. It h a d b e g u n to rain, b u t we d i d n ' t get very wet b e c a u s e we were only d a m p e n e d by t h e d r o p s t h a t were s u s p e n d e d in o u r p a t h , n o t by t h e o n e s above us, a n d even in a heavy rain, t h e n u m b e r of d r o p s p e r cubic foot is far fewer t h a n it a p p e a r s w h e n t h e r a i n is in m o t i o n . I left t h e cart by t h e m a i l b o x e s a n d carried h e r upstairs a n d u s e d h e r key. I laid h e r d o w n in t h e s u n p o r c h , o n h e r bed. I k e p t m y eyes closed while I p u l l e d off h e r clothes a n d my own. (I w a n t e d to b e able to tell h e r t h a t I h a d n ' t looked at her.) 296
THE
FERMATA
I a r r a n g e d t h e covers of t h e b e d over h e r a n d t h e n g o t in n e x t to her. She was very w a r m . I lay t h e r e for a while with my eyes closed, letting my h e a r t c a l m down. H e r m a t t r e s s p a d felt terrific. I was tired a n d sleepy. I h a d a n a p of m a y b e half a n A r n o - h o u r . W h e n I woke u p I t h o u g h t to myself, I ' m lying in bed with t h e w o m a n w h o m , above all o t h e r s , I w a n t to b e in bed with. I s n a p p e d my fingers. Joyce b e g a n to say s o m e t h i n g t h a t b e g a n with " A l t h o u g h . " She s t o p p e d abruptly. " W h a t h a p p e n e d h e r e ? " "See h o w easy it is?" I said. She t u r n e d h e r h e a d o n t h e pillow to look at m e . " W h a t did you d o ? " "I b r o u g h t you to y o u r a p a r t m e n t a n d got in b e d with y o u . " H e r a r m m o v e d u n d e r t h e covers. " I d o n ' t have any clothes on." " T h a t ' s t r u e , " I said. " B u t I assure you, I k e p t my eyes closed while I was t a k i n g t h e m off. I h a v e n ' t d o n e a n y t h i n g seedily voyeuristic. T h e y ' r e over t h e r e . I j u s t w a n t e d to b e totally n a k e d in b e d with y o u . " W e were b o t h lying o n o u r backs. O u r a r m s t o u c h e d a little. T h e r o o m was d i m . Joyce p u t h e r h a n d s o n h e r f o r e h e a d a n d t h o u g h t . " H o w did you get m e h e r e ? D i d you drive?" I e x p l a i n e d h o w difficult it was to drive d u r i n g a n e s t o p p e l , what with all t h e i m m o b i l e cars. I d e s c r i b e d t h e l u g g a g e cart a n d t h e b o r r o w e d b e d d i n g . T h e n I said, " T h e r e ' s o n e serious p r o b l e m , t h o u g h , having to d o with t i m e , w h i c h is t h a t as we lie h e r e talking, o u r e n t r e e s m a y b e b e i n g served, a n d t h e waiter may w o n d e r w h e r e we've g o n e . I left my j a c k e t t h e r e to show t h a t we h a v e n ' t s k i p p e d o u t , b u t I t h i n k we s h o u l d find a way i n t o t h e F e r m a t a t o g e t h e r as quickly as possible, b e f o r e a n y o n e notices t h a t we've d i s a p p e a r e d at t h e r e s t a u r a n t , a n d 297
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e n o n c e we've d o n e t h a t we'll have loads of time to talk, a n d we c a n stroll b a c k in a leisurely way a n d finish dessert." "You m e a n — ? " "Yes, I t h i n k we have to m a k e love r i g h t now, a n d we have to p u t off any foreplay u n t i l after we've S n a p p e d o u t — a s s u m ing, t h a t is, t h a t we d o successfully e n t e r t h e F e r m a t a to g e t h e r . B u t let's try." " C o u l d n ' t we at least kiss?" " A r e y o u k i d d i n g ? " I said. " W e have to kiss. It's a necessity. W e have to have a total m e n t a l a n d physical u n i o n for this to work. Try to feel as m u c h love for m e as you c a n . " So we p u t o u r a r m s a r o u n d e a c h o t h e r a n d started kissing. I t h i n k we were b o t h s o m e w h a t surprised by h o w g o o d it felt. H e r m o u t h was t h e best t h i n g my m o u t h h a d felt in quite a while. I guess I h a d simply f o r g o t t e n t h a t t h e r e is n o satisfac tory a u t o e r o t i c substitute for a kiss. O u r lips c o o p e r a t e d ; they understood each other. In fourth grade I had a rubber stamp t h a t said ARNOLD STRINE. I d i d n ' t like s t a m p i n g it h a r d . I liked p l a c i n g t h e fully i n k e d s t a m p gently o n t h e p a p e r a n d rocking it b a c k a n d forth as I p r e s s e d down, so t h a t my n a m e c a m e o u t very dark, a n d t h e t o p s a n d b o t t o m s of t h e letters flared. While J o y c e a n d I m a d e o u t , I closed my eyes a n d saw for a n instant a n i m a g e of my o l d r u b b e r s t a m p b e i n g h e l d in t h e air a n d b r o u g h t t o g e t h e r with a s e c o n d well-inked s t a m p saying JOYCE COLLIER, SO t h a t o u r two n a m e s m e t face to face a n d rocked t o g e t h e r , p r i n t i n g themselves o n e a c h o t h e r . I ' d also f o r g o t t e n , I guess, t h a t t h e r e is n o substitute for t h e j o y of first p u t t i n g y o u r a r m s a r o u n d a w o m a n ' s n u d i t y — w h e n t i m e is u n f r o z e n a n d w h e n she answers y o u r e m b r a c e by actu ally embracing you back a n d you c a n ' t believe h o w well n a k e d seamless b o d i e s c a n coincide, h o w a c c o m m o d a t i n g they c a n be, even b e f o r e e r e c t i o n s have b e e n m a n u a l l y c o n f i r m e d a n d 298
THE
FERMATA
clitorises tested o r tasted. A n d it isn't often t h a t y o u begin m a k i n g o u t with s o m e o n e , for t h e very first t i m e , in a state of total nudity, as J o y c e a n d I did. As if it was all p a r t of o u r kiss, as if o u r bodies were kissing, J o y c e m o v e d u n d e r n e a t h m e a n d o p e n e d h e r legs a n d as I let m o r e of m y w e i g h t press o n h e r she b r o u g h t m e inside, p a s t h e r lush black fur a n d i n t o h e r hot Fermata. I whispered to h e r h o w g o o d she felt. " R e a d y ? " I said. "Yes." I felt h e r b r e a t h o n m y neck. " H o l d m e really tight. S n a p y o u r fingers w h e n I d o . " I c o u n t e d off, " O n e , two, t h r e e . " T h e n we kissed a g a i n a n d we s n a p p e d o u r fingers in u n i s o n . It was difficult to tell for a m o m e n t if a n y t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . W e l o o k e d at e a c h o t h e r inquiringly, o u r eyebrows raised. O u r slightest m o v e m e n t m a d e my cock s q u e a k with pleasure. " D i d it w o r k ? " J o y c e asked. I listened. " H e a r that? It's totally quiet. T h a t ' s t h e way t h e F e r m a t a always s o u n d s . It w o r k e d . " She sighed with relief a n d started lifting h e r h i p s u p against m e . " G o o d news," she m u r m u r e d . " G o o d news. C a n we d o this for a while, t h o u g h ? " "We c a n take as l o n g as we w a n t n o w , " I said. Several A r n o - a n d - J o y c e - h o u r s later, we walked b a c k to t h e Méridien, w h e e l i n g t h e l u g g a g e cart with us. I showed h e r t h e negative black p a t h s o u r b o d i e s left b e h i n d in t h e constella tions of h a n g i n g , glinting r a i n d r o p s . " S o — w h i l e y o u ' r e o u t o n walks like this," J o y c e said, " y o u j u s t take off a w o m a n ' s clothes, if she attracts y o u ? " I said I s o m e t i m e s did. Joyce tried it. S h e u n d i d t h e b l a c k j e a n s of a m o t i o n l e s s m a n in a l e a t h e r j a c k e t a n d p u l l e d o n his u n d e r p a n t s a n d p e e r e d 299
NICHOLSON
BAKER
inside. S h e also u n b u t t o n e d a b u s i n e s s m a n ' s r a i n c o a t a n d r e a c h e d h e r h a n d i n t o his j a c k e t a n d felt his chest. "Hey, I c o u l d l e a r n to like t h i s , " she said. W e took o u r seats at t h e r e s t a u r a n t a n d c o u n t e d to t h r e e a n d s n a p p e d o u r fingers. T h e waiter a p p e a r e d shortly after with o u r e n t r e e s . " T h e plates are very h o t , " h e said i m p o r t a n t l y , h o l d i n g t h e m with a cloth. W e h a d b e e n g o n e for n o m o r e t h a n five m i n u t e s ; n o b o d y h a d missed us. J o y c e a n d I talked for a n o t h e r h o u r , a n d we d r a n k s o m e m o r e a n d t h e n h a d s o m e coffee, a n d t h e n I walked h e r h o m e a n d kissed h e r g o o d - n i g h t at h e r d o o r .
300
/Os
18
M JL
T
- J L Y FINGER-SNAPPING PHASE IS NOW OVER, MY FOLD-
powers are currently g o n e . I a s s u m e I'll get t h e m b a c k s o o n e r o r later, b u t I ' m never sure. W h a t h a p p e n e d , as far as I c a n piece it t o g e t h e r , is t h a t o n e n i g h t , w h e n J o y c e a n d I were having sex, I u n k n o w i n g l y transferred all m y f e r m a t i o n a l p r o ficiencies to her. I h a d jokingly t r o t t e d o u t t h e p e n i s p u m p a n d the G o d d e s s A t h e n a v i b r a t o r with t h e clit-stimulating forkflamed
t o r c h of wisdom a n d told h e r t h a t I'd b o u g h t t h e m
with h e r in m i n d , before we'd started g o i n g o u t . " I ' m n o t a b i g vibrator p e r s o n , " J o y c e w a r n e d . B u t she d i d p u m p e n t h u s i a s tically away at my penis with t h e p e n i s p u m p , s u c k i n g it u p into t h e clear plastic v a c u u m c h a m b e r a n d w a t c h i n g its veins 30 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p o p o u t . W h e n m y p e n i s h a d h a d m o r e t h a n e n o u g h of t h a t t r e a t m e n t , I p u l l e d it o u t a n d s u b s t i t u t e d t h e A t h e n a vibrator in its place. J o y c e a n d I t h e n p u m p e d t h e vibrator with the p e n i s p u m p for a while, s u c k i n g it in as far as it w o u l d go. A n d finally, after s o m e cajoling, J o y c e t u r n e d o n t h e A t h e n a vibra t o r a n d s l i p p e d it inside herself. T h e fork-flamed t o r c h of w i s d o m t o o k h e r polytheistic clit to n e w h e i g h t s . B u t w h a t we d i d n ' t realize at t h e t i m e was t h a t t h e penis p u m p h a d s o m e h o w sucked all of m y t e m p o r a l powers o u t of m e . T h e n , w h e n t h e A t h e n a v i b r a t o r w e n t i n t o t h e penis p u m p , t h e s a m e powers were a p p a r e n t l y transferred to it, a n d w h e n t h e A t h e n a v i b r a t o r m u t t e r e d its way d e e p i n t o Joyce, t h e p o w e r s e n t e r e d her. As a result, t h e n e x t t i m e I s n a p p e d m y fingers, n o t h i n g at all h a p p e n e d — o r r a t h e r , everything k e p t o n h a p p e n i n g . B u t t h e n e x t t i m e J o y c e clicked o n t h e switch of h e r A t h e n a vibrator, t i m e dutifully h a l t e d for her. I find I d o n ' t miss t h e Fold t o o terribly m u c h at present. My self-discipline has i m p r o v e d . I ' m still t e m p i n g , b u t I've b e g u n g o i n g over s o m e of t h e n o t e s for my m a s t e r ' s thesis. (It's a history of D o v e r Books.) Joyce, m e a n w h i l e , is having a g o o d time. S h e carries h e r v i b r a t i n g Cleft-Goddess a r o u n d with h e r in h e r p u r s e a n d t u r n s it o n at will, as w h e n she has a n i m p o r t a n t d e a d l i n e at MassBank t h a t she c a n ' t otherwise m e e t . S h e strips p e d e s t r i a n s a n d tells m e a b o u t s t r a n g e geni talia she h a s seen a n d k n o w n . S h e talks of t a k i n g a j a u n t d o w n to W a s h i n g t o n a n d s u c k i n g t h e p r e s i d e n t i a l dick. S o m e t i m e s she uses F o l d tricks while we're h a v i n g sex: for instance, she will a l t e r n a t e h e r m o u t h a n d h e r v a d g e o n my richard so fast t h a t I feel as if I ' m in b o t h places at o n c e — a s if she's twirling over m e . We've m e n t i o n e d m a r r i a g e as a possibility. T h e o t h e r day I was in h e r a p a r t m e n t . I did s o m e p u s h u p s o n t h e floor. T h e n I sat o n h e r b e d . I called out, " C a n I tell 302
THE
FERMATA
you a b o u t this g r e a t d r e a m I o n c e h a d a b o u t h o w y o u saved t h e two of us with y o u r flying b l u e brassiere?" "Briefly," said J o y c e from t h e b a t h r o o m . S h e was u n b r a i d i n g h e r hair. "We were in a b o a t in t h e m i d d l e of this lake of sulfuric acid," I happily b e g a n , " a n d you were w e a r i n g y o u r
flying
b l u e brassiere . . . " Joyce has saved m e , for t h e t i m e b e i n g . I h a v e n ' t t a k e n a stranger's clothes off in weeks now. I ' m trying to interest a p u b l i s h e r in my a u t o b i o g r a p h y . B u t even if n o b o d y wants to p u b l i s h it, I c o u l d still have, say, a h u n d r e d c o p i e s m a d e u p . I'll typeset t h e m myself. I'll get C o p y C o p to b i n d t h e m . I'll design a j a c k e t t h a t uses t h e l o g o of s o m e flush, b i g - n a m e p u b l i s h e r like R a n d o m H o u s e . Yes, I'll p u t t h a t little stylized h o u s e o n t h e b o t t o m of t h e s p i n e of my b o o k . I'll u s e a c o l o r copier to m a k e t h e cover. It will look like a real book! A n d t h e n , a s s u m i n g I get my Fold-powers back, I'll go to W a t e r stone's o r t h e A v e n u e Victor H u g o a n d D r o p a n d p u t this b o o k in p e o p l e ' s h a n d s j u s t as they t h i n k t h e i r fingers are closing o n s o m e o t h e r , real, b o o k . T h e y will r e a d m e . W o r d will spread. T h e F e r m a t a , my F e r m a t a , t h e k e e p e r of all my secrets, will b e a secret n o longer.
303
ABOUT
THE
AUTHOR
NICHOLSON BAKER was b o r n in 1957.
a u t h o r of The Mezzanine
H e is
the
( 1 9 8 8 ) , Room Tempera
ture ( 1 9 9 0 ) , £ / a w r f / ( 1 9 9 1 ) , a n d Fox ( 1 9 9 2 ) . H e has written for The New Yorker a n d The Atlantic Monthly. H e is m a r r i e d with two c h i l d r e n .
![The Defector [The Delivery]](https://epdf.mx/img/300x300/the-defector-the-delivery_5ba83666b7d7bc7847901d42.jpg)
![The Defector [The Delivery]](https://epdf.mx/img/300x300/the-defector-the-delivery_5ba83662b7d7bc7647c8d7cd.jpg)