The Reality of Being: The Fourth Way of Gurdjieff

J e a n n e in S a i / m a n n

th e R e a lity

of B ein g

T h e Fourth Way o f G urdjieff

A N o s t a l g i a fo r B e i n g

M a n r e m a in s a m y s t e r y to h im s e lf. H e h a s a n o s ta lg ia fo r B e in g , a lo n g in g fo r d u ra tio n , fo r p e rm a n e n c e , fo r a b so lu te n e ss— a lo n g in g to be. Y e t e v e r y t h in g th a t c o n s titu te s h is life is te m p o r a ry , e p h e m e ra l, lim ite d . H e a sp ire s to a n o th e r o rd er, a n o th e r life , a w o r ld th a t is b ey o n d h im . H e se n ses th a t he is m e a n t to p a r tic ip a te in it. H e se a rch e s fo r an idea, an in s p ira tio n , th a t c o u ld m o v e h im in th is d ire c tio n . It a ris e s as a q u e stio n : “W h o a m I— w h o a m I in th is w o r ld ? ” I f th is q u e stio n b e c o m e s s u ffic ie n tly a liv e , it c o u ld d ir e c t th e c o u r s e o f h is life. H e c a n n o t a n sw er. H e h as n o t h in g w it h w h ich to a n s w e r — n o k n o w le d g e o f h im s e lf to fa ce th is q u e s tio n , n o k n o w le d g e o f h is o w n . B u t he feels h e m u st w e lc o m e it. H e a sk s h im s e lf w h a t h e is. T h i s is th e first step on th e w ay. H e w a n ts to o p e n h is eyes. H e w a n ts to w a k e up, to aw a k en .

S h a m b h a la Boston & London

ased

B

on

n o t e b o o k s k e p t b y G . I.

G urdjieff’s closest follower, this book

offers new insight on his spiritual teach­ ing— a way o f gnosis or “knowledge o f be­ ing” passed on from remote antiquity. It is a complete and uniquely authoritative guide to the great teacher’s ideas and to his meth­ ods for liberating ourselves from the state o f “waking sleep” in which most o f us live our lives. G urdjieff respected traditional religious practices, which he regarded as falling into three general categories or “ways”: the Way o f the Fakir, related to m astery o f the physi­ cal body; the Way o f the Monk, based on faith and feeling; and the Way o f the Yogi, which focuses on development o f the mind. He presented his teaching as a Fourth Way that integrated these three aspects into a single path o f self-knowledge. Progress in the Fourth W ay comes through conscious effort toward a quality o f thinking and feel­ ing that brings a new capacity to see clearly and to love.

J E A N N E D E S A L Z M A N N w a s b o rn in 1889 in R e i m s , F r a n c e , and raised in G e n e v a , S w itz e r l a n d , S h e m a rried

A le x a n d r e

de

S a lzm a n n , a w e ll-k n o w n R u ssian painter, in 1911 and re tu rn e d to h is h o m e in T iflis in the C a u ca su s m o u n ta in r e g io n o f so u th ­ ern R u ssia. S h e m et G u r d jie ff in 1919 in T iflis, becam e co m m itte d to his w o rk , and rem ain ed c lo se to h im u n til his d eath in P aris th ir ty y e a rs later. B efore he died G u r d jie ff c h a rg e d M in e, de S a lzm a n n to liv e to be “o v e r 100” in o rd e r to esta b lish his te a ch in g . H e le ft h er all his r ig h ts w ith re sp e ct to his w r itin g s and d an ce e x e r c is e s ca lled th e “M o v e m e n ts.” D u r in g th e n e x t fo r ty y e a rs sh e a rra n g e d fo r p u b licatio n o f his b o o k s and p r e s e rv a ­ tio n o f th e M o v e m e n ts, and esta b lish ed G u r d jie ff c e n te rs to p ra c tice th e te a c h in g in Paris, N e w Y o rk , and L o n d o n , as w e ll as C a ra ca s, V en ezu e la . M m e . de S a lzm a n n died at th e a g e o f 101 in Piiris in 1 9 9 0 .

S

hambhala

P

ublicatio ns

, In c .

H orticu ltu ral Hall

3 00 M assach u setts Avenue Boston, M assach u setts 0 2 115 w w w .sham bhala.com

T h e R e a l i t y of B e i n g The Fourth Way o f Gurdjieff

Jeanne de Salzmann

SH AM BH ALA Boston London 2010

Shambhala Publications, Inc. H orticultural Hall 300 M assachusetts Avenue Boston, M assachusetts 02115 w w w .sham bhala.com © 2010 by the heirs o f Jeanne de Salzmann A ll rights reserved. N o part o f this b o o k m ay be reproduced in any form or b y any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, w ith o u t permission in w ritin g from the publisher.

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition Printed in the United States o f Am erica © This edition is printed on acid-free paper that meets the Am erican National Standards Institute Z39.48 Standard, This b o o k w as printed on 30% postconsum er recycled paper. For m ore inform ation please visit w w w .sham bhala.com . D istributed in the United States by Random H ouse, Inc., and in Canada by R andom H ouse o f Canada Ltd Library o f Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Salzm ann, M adam e de (Jeanne), i 889?- i 99 o . T h e reality o f being: to live the Fourth W ay o f G urdjieff / Jeanne de Salzm ann.— 1st ed. p.

cm.

Includes index. is b n

978-1-59030-815-8 (hardcover: alk. paper)

. Gurdjieff, G eorges Ivanovitch, 1872-1949. 3. Spiritual life.

2. Fourth W ay (Occultism)

I. Title.

BP605.G92S36

2010

299 ' 93— dc22 2010006464

Contents

Foreword

xiii

Introduction

i

I. A CALL TO CONSCIOUSNESS I Am Asleep

7

9

1. A nostalgia for B ein g 2. T h e life force

9

3. I do n o t k n o w m y s e lf 4. "I” am not here To Remember Oneself

9

11

13 15

5. W h ere o u r attention is 6. T h e first initiation

15

16

7. C an w e b eco m e conscious? 8. T h e w atch m an The Need to Know

18

20

22

9. N e w kn o w led ge is necessary 10. Self-observation

23

11. C o n sciou s effort

25

22

12. T h e sacred m anifests as inner consciousness

II. OPENING TO PRESENCE In a Passive State

29

31

13. M y functions are passive

31

14. I need im pressions o f m y se lf

33

27

Contents

vi

15. H yp n o tized b y m y m ind 16. W h a t is up to m e

36

An Experience o f Presence

39

34

17. T h e awareness o f "bein g h ere” 18. C o n sciou s o f inner bein g 19. A n ech o o f “I" 20. T w o currents

42 44

A Movement o f Availability

46

21. A n ew w a y o f fu n ctio n in g

46

22. A w aken in g to a n ew force

47

23. T h e attitude w e take 24. C o m in g tog eth er

III.

49

51

IN A C O M M O N D I R E C T I O N

A Free Thought

39

41

53

55

25. T h e fu n ctio n in g o f the m ind 26. N o t k n o w in g

55

56

27. A n e w th in kin g

58

28. B eyond o u r usual consciousness An Inner Sensation

60

62

29. A n instrum ent o f contact

62

30. O b ey in g the attraction o f the earth 31. A global sensation

65

32. T o b e spiritualized

67

A New Feeling

69

33. I blindly trust m y feelings 34. Feeling allow s relation 35. I feel “I am ”

70

72

36. Love o f b ein g

IV.

69

74

77

T H E W O R K T O BE P R E S E N T

In a Quiet State

79

37. A w a y o f understanding 38. Each day

81

79

64

Contents 39. T h e w a y up

v ii

82

40. A n exercise is a tem p o ra ry aid In the Activity o f Life

87

41. O n ly in everyday life

87

42. T h e source o f m anifestation 43. A m easure from above 44. T h e w a y d ow n Staying in Front

89

90

92

94

45. T o "k n o w m y s e lf”

94

46. O n ly contact, only relation 47. T h e stru ggle for bein g 48. Playing a role

V.

84

W ITH OTHERS

A Special Current

96

97

99

103 105

49. W e say w e are “in the W o rk ” 50. W h y together? 51. T o organize

105

106

108

52. A school o f the Fourth W ay Exchange in a Group

no

113

53. A special condition for exchange 54. I need to speak 55. Real exchange 56. This fo rm

116

118

Work in Movements 57. A double aim

120 120

58. W h y M ovem ents?

122

59. Part o f the teaching

124

60. O n ly w ith a stable P resence

VI.

T O BE C E N T E R E D

A Sense o f the Whole

113

115

126

129 131

61. T h e aim o f m y effort

131

62. T h e first feeling o f u n ity

133

63. C en tered th rou gh consciousness

135

An Inner Center o f Gravity

137

64. O u r vital cen ter

137

65. Situating the center o f g ra vity 66. B ecom in g second nature 67. M y tru e fo rm Breathing

138

140

142

145

68. A n im perceptible current 69. Stages o f breathin g

145

146

70. I live in m y breath in g

148

71. W ith o u t fear o f losing m y se lf

VII.

W H O A M I?

Ego and Illusion

153

155

72. T h e im agin ation o f m y se lf 73. Ferocious egotism

Toward the Unknown

159

162

75. I do n o t k n o w

162

76. T h e resonance o f “I am ”

163

165

78. Inner solitude My True Nature

155

157

74. Free o f fear and illusion

77. Silence

149

167

170

79. A veil over m y reality 80. W h a t I really am 81. W h o am I?

170

172

173

82. M y tru e nature is consciousness

VIII.

177

T O W A R D A N E W BEING

My Being Is W hat I Am

174

179

83. C an b ein g change?

179

84. T h e intensity m ust increase 85. D egrees o f the octave

181

183

86. First and secon d conscious shocks

184

Contents A Collected State

ix

187

87. Repeat, repeat

187

88. M y th o u g h t does n o t w an d er 89. I feel, I sense, I w a tch 90. H o w do I listen? From Another Level

189

190

192

194

91. A m ore intense en erg y appears 92. Exercise o f divided attention 93. M y b o d y needs to open 94. A cosm ic scale

IX.

194

197

198

IN A S T A T E O F U N I T Y

The Act o f Seeing

201

203

95. A n o th er vision

203

96. Seeing is an act

205

97. Beyond m y usual perception 98. T h e m ost im portan t thin g Conscious Sensation

210

99. Life is in m e

210

100. A n inner stillness

213

102. In a quiet b o d y I breathe in

Voluntary Attention

206 208

212

101. A conscious posture

215

2 17

103. T h e feelin g o f lack 104. O bed ien ce and w ill

217 219

105. D evelop in g conscious force

X.

194

220

A P R E S E N C E W I T H ITS O W N LIFE

A Pure Energy

223

225

106. A particle o f the highest

225

107. Feeling this Presence as alive

227

108. From a h igher part o f the m ind 109. T o b eco m e a vessel

229

228

Contents

X

A Body o f Energy

232

n o . This im m aterial Presence in m e h i.

A m ass o f en erg y

234

112. A n exercise for openin g 113. T h e substance o f "I” Voluntary Suffering

235

236

238

114. To stay in front

238

115. I m ust live the insufficiency 116. C o n sciou s stru ggle

XI.

232

241

T H E E SSE N TIA L BEING

Recognizing a False Attitude 117. Stages o f w o r k

240

245 247

247

118. A flagran t contrad iction

248

119. T h e affirm ation o f m y s e lf

250

120. M y attitude expresses w h at I am A Reality in Me

254

121. A w h o lly different vibratio n 122. Sincerity 123. Faith

252

254

256

257

124. R em orse o f conscience The Emergence o f “I ”

259

261

125. T h e extraordinary im pression o f existing 126. T h e death o f m y ordinary “I” 127. I see reality

264

128. T h e radiance o f P resence

XII.

T O LIVE T H E T E A C H IN G

Creative Action

266

269

271

129. "I am ” in m ovem en t

271

130. T h e m iracu lou s in action

272

131. Effective th ro u gh b ein g

274

132. Som eth in g entirely n e w

275

262

261

Contents An Attitude o f Vigilance

278

133. M editation is not co n tem plation 134. O p en in g w ith o u t fear

279

135. W atchfulness is o u r real aim 136. A lo o k from A bove A New Way o f Being

285

287

139. L ivin g tw o lives

289

140. T o k n o w m eans to Be

Biographical Note Gurdjieff Centers Index

303

295 301

281

283

137. I m ust live the lack o f relation 138. C on scien ce

278

291

285

Foreword

G

eorge

Iv

a n o v it c h

G

u rdjieff

( 1 8 6 6 -1 9 4 9 ) regarded kn o w l­

edge o f reality— w h at he called true “k n o w led ge o f bein g ”— as a stream flo w in g from rem ote antiquity, passed on from age to age, from people to people, from race to race. H e view ed this kn o w led ge as the indis­ pensable m eans to achieve inner freed om , liberation. For those w h o seek to understand the m ean in g o f h u m an life in the universe, he said, the aim o f the search is to break th ro u gh to this stream , to find it. T h e n there rem ains only "to k n o w ” in order “ to b e .” B ut in order to know, he taught, it is necessary to find o u t “h o w to know .” G u rd jieff respected traditional religion s and practices concern ed w ith spiritual transform ation, and po in ted ou t that th eir d ifferen t ap­ proaches cou ld be su bsum ed u nd er one o f th ree categories: the “w a y o f the fakir,” w h ich centers on m astery o f the physical body; the “w a y o f the m on k,” based on faith and religiou s feelin g; and the “w a y o f the yo g i,” w h ich concentrates on d evelo p in g the m ind. H e presented his teach in g as a "F ou rth W a y ” that requ ires w o r k on all th ree aspects at the sam e tim e. Instead o f discipline, faith or m ed itation, th is w a y calls for the a w a k en in g o f another in tellig en ce— k n o w in g and understan d­ ing. H is p ersonal w ish , he once said, w a s to live and teach so that there should be a n e w co nception o f G o d in the w o rld , a ch an ge in the v e ry m ea n in g o f the w ord. T h e first dem an d on the F ou rth W a y is “ K n o w thyself,” a principle that G u rd jieff rem in ded us is far m ore ancient th an Socrates. Spiritual

Foreword

x iv

progress depends on u n d erstan d in g, w h ich is d eterm ined b y o n e’s level o f being. C h a n g e in b ein g is possible th ro u g h conscious effort to w ard a q u a lity o f th in k in g and feelin g that brings a n e w capacity to see and to love. A lth o u g h h is tea ch in g cou ld be called "esoteric C h ris­ tianity,” G u rd jie ff noted that the principles o f tru e C h ristia n ity w ere develo p ed th ousan ds o f years before Jesus C h rist. In order to open to reality, to u n ity w ith e v e ry th in g in the universe, G u rd jie ff called for liv in g the w h o len ess o f "P resen ce” in the experience o f “I A m .” W h e n G u rd jieff u n d erto o k to w rite All and Everything, his trilo g y on the life o f m an, he en vision ed th e last b o o k as the T h ird Series titled Life Is Real Only Then, When “I Am.” H is stated aim for th is b o o k w a s to b rin g the reader to a tru e visio n o f the "w orld existin g in reality.” G u r­ d jieff b eg a n w o rk on it in N o ve m b er 1934 but stopped w ritin g six m on ths later and n ever co m pleted the b o ok . Before his death in 1949, he en tru sted his w ritin g s to Jeanne de S alzm an n , his closest pupil, and ch arged h er w ith d o in g “e v e ry th in g possible— ev en im possible— in o r­ der that w h a t I b ro u g h t w ill have an action.” A t the tim e o f his death, G u rd jie ff’s fo llo w ers w e re scattered across E u rope and A m erica. M m e. de S a lzm a n n ’s first task w as to call them to w o r k together. T h e second w a s to g iv e th e tea ch in g a fo rm for prac­ tical w o rk to w ard consciousness. In the fo rty years after G u rd jieff’s death, she arran ged for the publication o f his b o ok s and the p reserva­ tio n o f his dance exercises, called the M ovem ents. She also established G u rd jieff centers in Paris, N e w Y ork and L on don, as w e ll as Caracas, V en ezuela. In th ese centers she o rg a n ized gro u p s and M ovem ents classes, w h o se participants referred to th eir collective en gagem ent as “the W o rk .” Today, th ro u g h the efforts o f these pupils and other fo llo w ers o f the teach in g, G u rd jie ff’s ideas have spread th ro u gh o u t the w orld. In the in trod u ctio n th at fo llo w s, M m e. de Salzm an n reveals h o w she saw G u rd jie ff as a spiritual “m aster” in the traditional sense— not as a teacher o f d o ctrin e bu t as one w h o b y his v e ry presence aw akens and helps o thers in th eir search for consciousness. W h a t she does not sp eak about is h o w she h e rse lf also tau gh t b y her presence. She had a

Foreword

xv

qu ality o f intelligence and, in her o w n w ords, an “attitude o f v ig ila n c e ” that she b ro u g h t at all tim es and in all circu m stan ces. For M adam e, to live the tea ch in g w a s a w a y o f being. T h e respective roles o f G u rd jieff and M m e. de S alzm an n w e re v e ry different. A s she notes, G u rd jieff created conditions for his pupils and w as the d om inant influ en ce for each person. T h ere w as, h ow ever, no sense o f an o rg a n ized w o rk together, and the seeds o f k n o w led ge that he planted in different people could not sustain a co m m o n endeavor. She called others to see, w ith the m aster gon e, that their real gu id e w as the teachin g he left b eh in d and their o n ly possibility w a s to live it to ­ gether. H er constant dem and w as that th ey understand the teach in g and share the experience o f a conscious relation. She returned again and again to the practice necessary to have a n e w p erception o f reality and a m ore stable Presence as an independent life w ith in the body. T o live the teach in g w o u ld be to aw ake, to die to identification w ith o n e’s ordi­ n ary level o f fu n ctio n in g, and to b e reborn to the experience o f another dim ension, another world. A fu n d am en tal principle o f the F ou rth W a y is that it is in life and th ro u gh life. M m e. de S a lzm an n speaks o f this in the in trod u ction, explorin g w h at it m eans that G u rd jieff cam e to b rin g a spiritual “w ay.” T h e transm ission o f esoteric k n o w led g e requ ires an en gagem en t w ith others, a w o rk u n d ertaken tog eth er in w h a t G u rd jieff term ed a “school.” E soteric schools share the co m m o n aim o f seein g reality, but th ey differ in their approach, their “w ay.” W h e n G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t a teach in g o f a w ay, he b ro u g h t not on ly ideas but a p a rticu lar approach— a certain “ life to be lived.” M m e. de S a lzm a n n ’s g en era l concept o f a “sch o o l” can be dis­ cerned from the operation o f the centers that she o rg a n ized . It is im ­ p ortant to understand that she is ta lk in g about a co llective practice o f the teach in g rather than an institu tion for a cq u irin g con cep tu al k n o w l­ edge. T h ese centers are not exclu sive and have no fo rm al adm ission requirem ents or grades o f achievem en t. Indeed, there are no teachers. For a certain tim e, participants w o rk in a g ro u p w ith a leader w h o an­ sw ers questions. Later, in m ore senior groups, th ey exch an ge am o n g

Foreword

xvi

them selves. T h e F ou rth W a y is a w a y o f und erstan d in g, not o f faith or o bed ience to a charism atic leader. A s M m e. de Salzm an n w ro te, "T h e tea ch in g is the gu id e, and o n ly he w h o questions m ore deeply can be responsible to serve.”

M m e. de S alzm an n w as constan tly reflectin g on the reality o f bein g and w ritin g d o w n h er thou ghts in her notebooks. T h is deep questioning w as basic to h er approach to others, in w h ich ev ery encounter w as to be lived as w h o lly as possible. She ca refu lly prepared b y pon d erin g and w ritin g d o w n w h a t she w ish ed to b rin g to m eetings. She kept these notebooks, like diaries, up to her last years. Taken together, th ey p ro ­ vide a forty-year chron icle o f her life’s w o rk reflecting on reality and b rin g in g G u rd jieff’s tea ch in g to others. A t nin ety-on e she rem arked:

I am w ritin g a b o o k on h o w to be in life, on the path to take in order to live on tw o levels. It w ill sh o w h o w to find a balance, to go from one to the other, or rather to find the w a y in betw een. W e have to see beyond, and through, our ordinary thinking in order to open to another m ind. O therw ise, w e rem ain at the threshold in front o f the door, and the d oor does not open.

W h e n she died ten years later, she left the n otebooks intact, care­ fu lly preserved. T o those closest to her, this w a s a clear sign o f the lega cy she intended for this m aterial: to help com plete G u rd jieff’s w rit­ in g on a tru e visio n o f reality and fu lfill his m ission to b rin g a lost sys­ tem o f k n o w led g e to the m od ern w orld. M m e. de S a lzm an n w a s w h o leh ea rted in her d evotion to G u rd jieff and his w o rk , d ed icatin g her o w n contributions as "in h o m a g e” to him . She w a s also u n relen tin g in her call to others to live the teachin g. T h ese qualities are reflected in this b o ok . She often echoed, and som e­ tim es repeated, his exact w ords. Exam ples include the text on the o c­ tave in section 85, w h ich she said cam e fro m h im , and the exercise o f d ivided atten tion in section 92, w h ich is as he w ro te it in the T h ird Series. She b ro u g h t the tea ch in g u sin g his term s but w ith her o w n in ­

Foreword

x v ii

sight. For exam ple, “conscious w o r k ” for h er req u ired sim u ltaneou s participation o f the separate brain s o r “centers” g o v e rn in g the th in k ­ ing, feelin g and m o v in g fu n ctio n s in order to exp erience a unified Presence; this requ ired a certain "stru g g le” that w a s n o t d irected against autom atic fu n ctio n in g as m u ch as it w a s fo r the positive aim o f rem ain in g present; it w a s im p ortan t to m ain ta in an in n er “ lo o k ,” to “stay in fro n t” in an “act o f seein g” ; and one had to exp erience Presence as a "second b o d y ” in order to have a stability and indepen dence that could be free fro m outside influences. A t the sam e tim e, M m e. de Salzm ann developed her o w n lan guage and w a y o f speaking, strong and direct. Like Gurdjieff, she cared little abc>Ht conventions o f g ram m ar and vocabulary, m uch less m etaphoric consistency. She also w as unconcerned about co n fo rm in g to accepted concepts o f science. For her, the param ount concern w as clarity o f m ean­ in g in the experience o f consciousness, even w h ere it w as necessary to be im precise. Readers should b e forew arn ed about certain unusual characteristics o f this b ook. T h ere is alm ost no description or explanation o f either the reality o f bein g or G u rd jie ff s teach in g on h o w to live it. Indeed, like him in his later years, M m e. de Salzm ann consistently refused to discuss the teaching in term s o f ideas. W h e n asked a theoretical question, she w o u ld invariably dem ur, saying “Y ou have to see for yourself.” For h er the idea alone, the concept w ith ou t experience, w as not en ou gh — truth could not be thought. Indeed, the k n o w led ge o f the th in k in g m ind, especially thoughts about “w h o w e are,” w as an obstacle, a veil h idin g reality. So, instead o f presenting a vision o f the ultim ate destination, this b o o k is m ore like an account o f an actual journey, in clu din g routes traveled and landm arks encountered along the way. Jeanne de Salzm ann had her o w n w a y o f speaking, and n ot o n ly her distinctive choice o f w ords and capacity to shock. L istening to her, one had the im pression that she k n e w precisely w h a t she w ish ed to say and h o w she w o u ld say it. T h is is confirm ed b y the notebooks, w h ich show a rem arkable clarity and consistency in her th in k in g over fo rty years. Yet w h at she expressed in the m om en t w as m ore than m ere w ords.

Foreword

x v iii

M m e. de Salzm ann says in her introduction that G u rdjieff taught by his Presence, and later w rites that k n o w led ge o f a h igher level can be passed on th ro u gh ideas and w ords o n ly b y one w h o kn o w s from his o w n expe­ rience and can express the life contained in them . T h is expression re­ quired speakin g from a conscious state— in effect, sh ow in g the direction in the m om en t for those w h o could follow. T h is w a y o f teach in g w as h igh ly concentrated, as reflected in this book. It w o u ld have been im pos­ sible to take in m ore than one o f these texts at a tim e, or even to listen to one presentation after the other. L ike e v e ry exp erien tial accoun t, the in n er jo u rn e y M m e. de S a lz­ m an n describes can really be u n d erstoo d o n ly to the extent the reader h im s e lf can liv e the exp erien ce— that is, has eyes to see and ears to hear. In this respect this b o o k fo llo w s in the line o f G u rd jieff’s T h ird Series, w h ich he foretold w o u ld b e accessible o n ly to those capable o f u n d erstan d in g it. N evertheless, each person read ing or h earin g these texts w ill b e able to r e co g n iz e w h a t he or she k n o w s and, perhaps m ore im portan t, w h a t he or she does not kn o w , th ereby o p en in g to a sense o f the unknown that M m e. de S a lzm an n w o u ld call the threshold to reality. T h is b o o k w as edited b y a sm all gro u p o f Jeanne de Salzm ann's fa m ily and follow ers. Its contents are en tirely fro m her n otebooks ex­ cept a fe w passages fro m other, recorded statem ents. N o attem pt has been m ade to id en tify isolated excerpts taken b y her fro m G u rd jieff or o th er w riters. T h e chapters have been com piled acco rd in g to them es that em erged fro m the m aterial, and arran ged in an order correspond­ in g g en era lly to stages o f in n er w o rk . A lth o u g h the sequence is not ch ron o lo gical, m ost o f the m aterial in chapters I- IV o rigin ated from the first decade after G u r d jie ff s death. T h e n and later, listeners w o u ld h ave already b ee n fa m ilia r w ith h is ideas fro m read in g the published w o rks listed in th e b io grap h ical note at the b a ck o f th is b o o k , in clu din g the L a w o f T h r e e and the L a w o f Seven su m m a rize d in the note.

The Reality o f Being

In homage to George Ivanovitch Gurdjieff

Introduction

W

hen

I

met

G eo rge Ivanovitch G u rd jieff I w as th irty years old and

living in the Caucasus m ou n tain region o f w h a t w as then sou th ern Rus­ sia. A t the tim e I had a d eep n eed to und erstan d the m ean in g o f life b u t w as dissatisfied w ith explanations that seem ed th eoretical, n o t re­ ally u seful. T h e first im pression o f G u rd jie ff w as v e ry stron g, u n for­ gettable. H e had an expression I had never seen, and an intelligence, a force, that w as d ifferent, n o t the u su al in tellig en ce o f the th in k in g m in d but a visio n th at co u ld see ev e ry th in g . H e w as, at th e sam e tim e, b o th kin d and very, v e r y d em an din g. Y ou felt he w o u ld see y o u and sh o w y o u w h a t y o u w e re in a w a y y o u w o u ld n ever fo rget in y o u r w h o le life. It w as im possible really to k n o w Gurdjieff. T h e im pression he gave o f h im s e lf w a s n ever the sam e. W ith som e people w h o did not k n o w him , he played the role o f a spiritual m aster, b eh a vin g as th ey expected, and th en let th em g o away. But i f he saw th ey w e re lo o k in g for som e­ th in g higher, he m igh t take them to d in n er and sp eak about interest­ in g subjects, am use th em , m ak e th em laugh. T h is b eh a vio r seem ed to be m ore spontaneous, m ore “ free." But w as it really freer, o r did it o n ly seem so because he intended to appear lik e that? You m igh t th in k you k n e w G u rd jieff v e ry w e ll, but th en he w o u ld act quite d ifferen tly and y o u w o u ld see that y o u did not really k n o w him . H e w as lik e an irre ­ sistible force, not dependent on any one fo rm bu t co n tin u a lly g iv in g birth to form s.

Introduction

2

G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t us a k n o w led g e o f consciousness, a science that show s w h a t w e are and o u r p o ten tial capacity, w h at needs to be d evel­ oped. It is a real u n d erstan d in g o f the energies in us, o f th eir relation in o urselves and w ith e v e ry th in g arou nd us. H e cam e to b rin g a teach ­ ing, sh o w a w a y to w a rd consciousness. W h a t is a “way"? A n d w h a t is a teaching o f a way? Esoteric k n o w led g e is the science o f m an ’s relation w ith G o d and the u niverse. Its transm ission requ ires an en gagem en t w ith others— so-called “schools”— becau se a certain e n erg y can o n ly be p rod u ced in conditions w h ere people w o rk together. Schools m ay d iffer in their k n o w led g e and their approach— their w a y — bu t th ey have the sam e aim in co m m o n : to see reality. T h e k n o w led g e is passed on th eoreti­ ca lly and th ro u g h d irect experience, that is, b y liv in g a dram a w h ich fo llo w s the p a rticu lar w a y o f the school. T h is creates a relation, the lin k w ith o u t w h ich it w o u ld n o t be possible to live in tw o w orlds o f d ifferent levels at the sam e tim e. G u rd jieff’s tea ch in g speaks to co n tem p o rary m an, that is, to som e­ one w h o no lon ger k n o w s h o w to reco g n ize the tru th revealed in d ifferent fo rm s since earliest tim es, som eone w ith a deep sense o f dis­ satisfaction, w h o feels isolated, m eaningless. But h o w to aw aken an in telligen ce that can d istin gu ish the real fro m the illusory? A cco rd in g to G urdjieff, the tru th can b e approached o n ly i f all the parts that m ake up the h u m an bein g — the th ou gh t, the feelin g and the b o d y — are tou ch ed w ith the sam e force and in the p articu lar w a y ap­ propriate to each o f them . O th erw ise, d evelop m en t w ill in evitably be one-sided and, sooner or later, com e to a stop. W ith o u t an effective u n d erstan d in g o f this principle, all w o r k on o n e se lf is certain to deviate fro m the aim . T h e essential conditions w ill be w ro n g ly understood, and there w ill be a m ech an ical rep etitio n o f form s o f effort that never g o b eyo n d a quite o rd in a ry level. G u rd jie ff k n e w h o w to m ak e u se o f e v e ry life circu m sta n ce to h ave peo p le feel th e tru th . I saw h im at w o rk , atten tive to the p o ssi­ bilities o f u n d ersta n d in g in his d ifferen t g ro u p s and also to th e su b ­ je c tiv e d ifficu lties o f each pupil. I saw h im d e lib era tely p u ttin g the

Introduction

3

accent on a p a rticu la r aspect o f k n o w in g , th en o n a n o th er aspect, ac­ co rd in g to a v e r y d efin ite plan. H e w o rk e d at tim es w ith a th o u g h t that stim u lated th e in telle ct and o p en ed u p an en tire ly n e w visio n , at tim es w ith a fe e lin g th at req u ired g iv in g up all artifice in fa vo r o f an im m ed iate and co m p lete sin cerity, at tim es w ith th e a w a k e n in g and p u ttin g in m o tio n o f a b o d y th at resp o n d ed fr e e ly to w h a te v e r it w as asked to serve. It w as a w a y th at did not isolate his pupils fro m life bu t en gaged th em th ro u g h life, a w a y that to o k in to acco u n t the yes and th e no, the oppositions, all the co n trary forces, a w a y that m ade th em understand the necessity o f stru g g lin g to rise above the b attle w h ile at the sam e tim e ta k in g part in it. O n e w as b ro u g h t to a threshold to be crossed, and for the first tim e one felt that com plete sin cerity w as required. Passing o ver m igh t appear to b e d ifficu lt, bu t w h a t w a s b e in g left b e ­ hind no lon ger had the old attraction. In front o f certain hesitations, the p ictu re G u rd jieff gave o f h im s e lf provided a m easu re o f w h a t it w as necessary to g iv e and o f w h a t had to be g iv e n up in order n o t to take a w ro n g turn. T h e n it w a s n o lon ger the tea ch in g o f d octrin e bu t the incarnate action o f k n o w le d g e — the action o f a m aster. In G u rd jie ff’s o w n Presence, and becau se o f his Presence, one k n e w a m om en t o f tru th and w as capable o f sacrificin g e v e ry th in g for it. T h is w as lik e a m iracle. It w as a m iracle. It w as a m iracle— so m eth in g o f a force from a dim en sion above w h a t w e know . W h a t G u rd jieff b ro u g h t us w a s the possib ility o f ap proach in g a h igh er level o f being. By his w ords, by the relations he established w ith us, b y his P resence alone, he m ade us feel h u m a n qualities that aw ak­ ened in us the w ish to g o in this d irection. H e d re w us to w ard h im , tow ard another level. A t the sam e tim e, he m ade us su ffer terribly by m a k in g us see o u r actu al state, the w a y w e really w e re. M ost o f the m isunderstandings and disagreem ents about G u rd jie ff’s m eth od s and beh avior com e fro m the fact that he w o rk ed at the sam e tim e on our tw o natures. O n the one hand, G u rd jieff w o rk ed on o u r essence. H e listened to our inn er need w ith tireless patience and kindness, w h ich h u rt because

Introduction

4

w e alw ays felt u n w orthy. H e to o k an interest in our difficulties. H e g ave practical help to take the n ext step. W ith unbelievable exactness he indicated the definite in n er act that each had to carry ou t at the g iv en m om en t to free h im s e lf fu rth er from his autom atism . H ere there w as on G u rd jieff’s part n ever any acting, and no pressure. T h is w as tru ly a g ift fro m above, w h ich left the im pression o f love and o f co m ­ passion for the h u m an condition. H e m ade us feel o u r possibilities, our potential and, w ith the m eans he gave, he b ro u g h t the hope o f seeing th em grow . O n the o ther hand, G u rd jie ff w o rk ed on o u r fu n ctions in a relent­ less w a y — continual pressure, greater and greater dem ands, p u ttin g us in horrible situations, shocks o f all kinds. N o t o n ly did he not attract us but, in pu sh in g us to ex trem e lim its, he forced us to resist h im , to react against him . A n d he did this w ith o u t m ercy. B y his Presence he obliged us to com e to a decision, to k n o w w h a t w e w anted. O n e cou ld alw ays refuse and g o away. H ere w as the g ran d eu r o f Gurdjieff. T h e first way, w o rk on our essence, w a s outside life, w h o lly concentrated on inner action. T h e sec­ ond, w o rk on o u r fun ctions, w a s in life itself and th ro u gh life. W ith one hand he called us; w ith the other he beat us, sh o w in g us our slavery to o u r functions. V ery fe w people had the chance to experience both sides. Yet it is im possible to understand G u rd jieff’s m eth od s or beh avior w ith ­ out h a vin g received m aterial o f bo th these aspects o f his w ork. W ith o u t G urdjieff, the m aster, w e do n o t have the p ossibility o f w o rk in g in those special conditions. Yet his tea ch in g rem ains— to de­ ve lo p o u r in n er bein g. F or this, w e have to understand the teach in g and subm it to its principles. A n d this w e can n ot do alone. W e cann ot co m e to a n y th in g alone. O u r w a y is to live these ideas in order to u n ­ derstand them , and to pass on the tea ch in g to others i f and to the ex­ tent w e are able to liv e it w ith th em . S o w in g ideas w ith o u t liv in g th em is so w in g ideas that are em pty. G u rd jieff left us not o n ly w ords and ideas to be transm itted , bu t a certain life to be lived, a dram a to be played out w ith others arou nd us, w ith o u t w h ich the w o rk w ill rem ain im aginary.

Introduction

5

W e have therefore a responsibility. Ideas have b een b ro u g h t b y G u rd jieff as part o f a science that w e n eed to k n o w w e ll. But the idea alone is not en ou gh. If it is not lived b y all the parts o f m yself, I w ill rem ain as I am — passive and w h o lly at the disposition o f su rrou n d in g forces. O n a cosm ic scale, m an plays an im p ortan t role on th e earth. W ith o u t h im certain forces can n ot act and can n ot m ain tain an e q u ilib ­ rium . But w e do not see this, w e do not k n o w it and co n sequ en tly w e do not produce the force that cou ld create a relation w ith o th er cosm ic energies in ourselves. W h a t is necessary, in us and around us, is the creation o f a certain level o f energy, an attention that resists su rro u n d in g influ en ces and does not let itse lf deteriorate. T h e n it has to receive a force that is m ore active, that w ill a llo w it not o n ly to resist bu t to h ave an action and find a stable place b e tw e e n tw o curren ts o f d ifferent levels. T h is possibility o f equ ilib riu m is the co n tin u in g ch allen ge, the in terval to be faced at every m om en t in the w o rk for consciousness.

I

A CALL T O CONSCIOUSNESS

The child wants to h a v e , the adult wants to b e. The w ish to b e is behind all my manifestations. To learn to see is the first initiation into s e lf knowledge. We struggle not a g a in s t something, we struggle fo r something. I believe I need to pay attention when, in fa ct, I need to see and know my inattention. W hen I begin to see, I begin to love w hat I see. W here our attention is, God is.

I AM ASLEEP

1. A nostalgiafo r Being M an rem ains a m ystery to him self. H e has a n ostalgia for B eing, a lon gin g for duration, for perm anence, for absoluteness— a lo n gin g to be. Yet e v e ry th in g that constitutes his life is tem porary, eph em eral, lim ­ ited. H e aspires to an other order, another life, a w o rld that is beyon d him . H e senses that he is m ean t to participate in it. H e searches for an idea, an inspiration, th at co u ld m ove h im in this direction. It arises as a question: "W h o am I— w h o am I in th is w orld?" If this question becom es su fficien tly alive, it cou ld d irect the course o f his life. H e can n ot answ er. H e has n o th in g w ith w h ich to an sw er— no kn o w led ge o f h im s e lf to face this question, n o k n o w le d g e o f his o w n . But he feels he m ust w e lco m e it. H e asks h im s e lf w h a t he is. T h is is the first step on the w ay. H e w a n ts to open his eyes. H e w a n ts to w a k e up, to aw aken.

2. The lifeforce W e w ish to live, to be in life. From the m om en t w e are b orn , so m e­ th in g in us seeks to affirm its e lf in th e outside w orld. I w a n t to be heard and seen, to d evo u r the w orld. A t the sam e tim e, I do not w a n t to be

9

A CALL TO C O NS CI OU S NE S S

10

d evou red . I w a n t to be first, alw ays. But all to o soon I en coun ter the resistan ce o f th e w o rld , and th e basic im p u lse o f self-affirm ation has to tak e o th ers in to acco un t. M y a ffirm in g o ften assum es cu riou s, e v e n th o u g h co m m o n , fo rm s su ch as self-pity o r a refu sal to express oneself. I w is h to live, I agree w ith life. I do e v e ry th in g to live, and this sam e force m ain ta in s the life o f m y body. I w is h for so m eth in g o r to do so m eth in g, and w h e n th e w is h appears, th is force is here. It im pels m e to w a rd m an ifestation . T h r o u g h o u t m y life, in e v e ry th in g I do, I seek to affirm this force. T h e re is n o act, h o w e v e r sm all, that is n o t an affirm ation . I f I sp eak to so m eo n e o r w r ite a letter, I affirm this force, I affirm m y in telligen ce. E ven i f I m erely lo o k at som eone, it is this force. I f I h a n g up m y coat, it is th is force. B ehind this u n bridled af­ firm ation , th ere is su rely so m eth in g true. T h is force in m e is irre­ pressible. A t the sam e tim e, I do not k n o w w h a t the affirm ation is based on. I b elieve I am a ffirm in g m yself. I id e n tify w ith th is force. Yet ev en th o u g h it is in m e, this force is not m in e. A n d in a ffirm in g it as m y o w n , I do n o t see th at I separate m y s e lf fro m it. In w a n tin g to at­ tribu te its p o w e r to m yself, I cu t o f f its action. I create an in n er w o rld th at is d ep rived o f the actio n o f this life force. M y sense o f "I,” o f m y self, is h e a v y and inert. W e need to see o u r childishn ess in relatin g to the life force, alw ays w ish in g to have m ore. T h e ch ild w a n ts to have, the adult w ants to be. T h e constan t desire for "h a v in g ” creates fear and a need to be reas­ sured. W e need to d evelop an atten tion in us that w o u ld relate the w h o le o f ourselves to a h igh er force. T h e re is o n ly on e sou rce o f energy. A s soon as m y en ergy is called in on e d irectio n or another, a force appears. Force is en ergy in m o v e­ m ent. T h e re are d ifferent d irections, but the source is the sam e. T h e life force, the force o f m an ifestation, is alw ays in m ovem ent. It has to flow . A n d I am en tirely tak en b y it, I am sw ep t along. I b eg in to suspect th at I w ill alw ays b e taken i f I do n o t also tu rn tow ard another, u n ­ k n o w n part o f m yself.

I Am Asleep

I

3. I do not know myself W h o am I? I need to know . If I do not kn o w , w h a t m ea n in g does m y life have? A n d w h a t in m e responds to life? So, I m ust try to answ er, to see w h o I am. First, m y th ou gh t steps b a ck and brings su ggestion s about m yself: I am a m an or w o m a n w h o can do this, w h o has done that, w h o possesses this and that. M y th in k in g volun teers possible answ ers from all that it know s. But it does not k n o w w h a t I am , does n o t really k n o w m e in this m om ent. T h e n I tu rn to m y feeling. It is a m o n g the centers m ost capable o f k n o w in g. C a n it answer? M y feelin g is not free. It has to o bey the "m e” w h o w an ts to be the greatest, the m ost p o w e rfu l and w h o suffers all the tim e fro m not b ein g first. So, m y feelin g does not dare. It is afraid, or doubts. H o w can it know ? T h en , o f course, there is m y body, the capacity to sense m y body. But am I m y body? In fact, I do not k n o w m yself. I do not k n o w w h a t I am . I k n o w neither m y possibilities nor m y lim itation s. I exist, yet I do not k n o w h o w I am existing. I believe m y actions are a ffirm in g m y o w n exis­ tence. Yet I am alw ays resp o n d in g to life w ith o n ly one p art o f m yself. I react either em o tio n a lly or in telle ctu a lly or physically. A n d it is never really “ I" w h o responds. I also believe I am m o v in g in the d irectio n I w a n t to g o and that I can “ do.” But in fact I am acted upon, m o v ed by forces that I k n o w n o th in g about. E ve ry th in g in m e takes place, e v e ry ­ th in g happens. T h e strings are pu lled w ith o u t m y k n o w in g . I do not see that I am like a puppet, a m ach in e set in m otio n b y influ en ces from outside. A t the sam e tim e, I sense m y life passing as i f it w e re the life o f another person. I v a g u e ly see m y s e lf b ein g agitated, h oping, regret­ ting, afraid, bored . . . all w ith o u t feelin g that I am ta k in g part. M ost o f the tim e I act w ith o u t k n o w in g it and rea lize o n ly a fterw ard th at I said this or did that. It is as th o u g h m y life unfolds w ith o u t m y conscious participation. It unfolds w h ile I sleep. F rom tim e to tim e jo lts o r shocks aw aken m e for an instant. In the m idd le o f an a n g ry outburst, or g r ie f or danger, I su d denly open m y eyes— "W h a t ? . . . It's me, here, in this

12

A CALL TO C ON S C I OU S N E S S

situation, liv in g this.” But after the shock, I g o back to sleep, and a lon g tim e can pass before a n e w sh o ck aw aken s m e. A s m y life passes, I m ay b e g in to su sp ect th at I am not w h a t I b e­ lieve. I am a b e in g w h o is asleep, a b e in g w ith no consciousness o f h im self. In th is sleep I co n fu se in tellect— the th o u g h t fu n ctio n in g in ­ dep en d en tly fro m fee lin g — w ith in tellig en ce, w h ich includes th e ca­ p a city to feel w h a t is b e in g reasoned. M y fu n ctio n s— m y th ou gh ts, fe e lin g s and m o v e m e n ts— w o r k w ith o u t d irectio n , su bject to ran­ d om sh ocks and habits. It is th e lo w e st state o f b e in g for m an. I live in m y o w n n a rro w , lim ite d w o rld co m m a n d e d b y associations fro m all m y su b jective im pressions. T h is is a p riso n to w h ich I alw ays r e tu rn — m y prison. T h e search for m y se lf b egin s w ith qu estio n in g w h ere “I" am. I have to feel the absence, the habitual absence, o f “ I.” I m ust k n o w the feelin g o f em ptiness and see the lie in alw ays a ffirm in g an im age o f m yself, the false "I.” W e are all the tim e saying “I,” th ou gh w e do not really believe in it. In fact, w e have n o th in g else in w h ich w e can believe. It is the w ish to be that pushes m e to say "I.” It is behin d all m y m anifestations. But this is not a conscious im pulse. U su ally I lo o k to the attitude o f others in order to b e co n vin ced o f m y being. I f th ey reject or ign ore m e, I doubt m yself. I f th ey accept m e, I believe in m yself. A m I o n ly this im ag e that I affirm ? Is there really no “ I” w h o could be present? In order to respond, I need to k n o w m yself, to have a direct experience o f k n o w in g m yself. First, I have to see the obstacles that stand in the w ay. I m u st see that I b elieve in m y m ind, m y th in k in g — I believe it is I. “I” w ish to kn o w , "I” have read, "I” have understood. A ll this is the expression o f the false "I,” m y o rd in a ry “ I.” It is m y ego that prevents m e fro m o p en in g to consciousness, fro m seeing "what is" and w h a t “I am.” M y effort to a w a k en can n ot be forced. W e are afraid o f em ptiness, afraid to b e n o th in g , and so w e m ake an effort to be o th erw ise. But w h o m akes this effort? I m u st see that this to o com es fro m m y o rd i­ n a ry “I.” A ll fo rcin g com es fro m the ego. I m u st no lon ger be fo o led b y an im age or an ideal that is im p osed b y the m ind. I need to accept em p ­

I Am Asleep

13

tiness, accept to b e n o th in g , accept “w h a t is.” In th is state, the possibil­ ity o f a n ew p erception o f m y s e lf appears.

4. “I ” am not here R eal “ I” com es fro m essence. Its d evelo p m en t depen ds on th e w is h o f essen ce— a w is h to be and th en a w is h to b e c o m e able to be. E ssen ce is fo rm ed fro m im p ressio n s that are assim ilated in ea rly ch ild h o o d , u su a lly up to th e age o f five o r six w h e n a fissu re appears b e tw e e n essence and p erso n ality. In ord er to d evelo p fu rth e r, essen ce m u st b eco m e a ctive in spite o f resistan ce fro m th e p ressu re o f p erson ality. W e need to “rem em b er o u rselv es” fo r o u r essence to receive im p res­ sions. O n ly in a co n sciou s state can w e see th e d ifferen ce b e tw e e n essence and personality. O rd in arily im pressions are received in a m ech an ical w ay. T h e y are received b y o u r personality, w h ich reacts w ith autom atic th ou gh ts and feelings that depend on its conditionin g. W e do not assim ilate im pres­ sions because p erso n ality itself can n ot b e alive— it is dead. In order to be assim ilated and transform ed, im pressions have to b e received b y essence. T h is requires a conscious effo rt at the m om en t o f the im p res­ sion. A nd it requires a definite feelin g, a fee lin g o f love for b ein g, for b ein g present. W e m ust respond to im pressions no lon ger fro m the van tage point o f p erso n a lity bu t fro m love for b e in g present. T h is w ill transform o u r w h o le w a y o f th in k in g and feeling. T h e first n ecessity is to h ave an im p ressio n o f m yself. T h is b e g in s w ith a sh o ck w h e n the q u estio n “ W h o am I?” arises. For an instant th ere is a stop, an in te rv a l that a llo w s m y en ergy, m y atten tio n , to ch a n g e d irectio n . It tu rn s b a ck to w a rd m e, and the qu estio n n o w tou ch es m e. T h is e n e rg y b rin g s a vib ra tio n , a n o te th at d id n o t sound u n til now . It is subtle, v e r y fin e, b u t n everth e less co m m u n icates. I feel it. It is an im pressio n I receive, an im p ressio n o f a life in m e. A ll m y possib ilities are here. W h a t fo llo w s — w h e th e r I w ill o p en to th e exp erien ce o f P resen ce— d epen ds on th e w a y I re ceive th is im pression.

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A CALL TO C O NS CI O US NE S S

W e do not understan d the m om en t o f receivin g an im pression and w h y it is so im portan t. W e need to be present because it is the sh ock o f the im pression that drives us. If there is n o b o d y here at the m om en t an im pression is received, I react autom atically, blindly, passively, and I am lost in the reaction. I refu se the im pression o f m y s e lf as I am . In th in k in g , in reactin g, in in terp o sin g m y o rd in a ry “ I” in the reception o f this im pression, I close m yself. I am im a g in in g w h a t “ I” am . I do not k n o w the reality. I am the prisoner o f this im agination, the lie o f m y false “I.” U su ally I try to aw ake b y forcing, but it does not w ork. I can and m ust learn to aw ake b y o p en in g con sciou sly to the im pression o f m y s e lf and seein g w h a t I am at the v e ry m om en t. T h is w ill be a sh ock th at aw akens m e, a sh ock b ro u g h t b y an im pression that I receive. It requires a freed o m to be in m ovem en t, not to stop the m ovem ent. In order to w ish to be present, I m u st see that I am asleep. "I” am not here. I am enclosed in a circle o f p e tty interests and avid ity in w h ich m y "I” is lost. A n d it w ill rem ain lost unless I can relate to som e­ th in g higher. T h e first cond ition is to k n o w in m y s e lf a d ifferent qu al­ ity, h igh er than w h a t I o rd in arily am . T h e n m y life w ill take on n ew m eaning. W ith o u t this cond ition there can be no w o rk. I m ust rem em ­ ber there is anoth er life and at the sam e tim e experience the life that I am leading. T h is is aw aken in g. I aw ake to these tw o realities. I need to understan d that b y m yself, w ith o u t a relation w ith som e­ th in g higher, I am n o th in g, I can do n oth in g. By m y s e lf alone, I can o n ly rem ain lost in this circle o f interests, I have no q u ality that allow s m e to escape. I can escape o n ly i f I feel m y absolute noth ingness and beg in to feel the need for help. I m ust feel the need to relate m y s e lf to so m eth in g higher, to open to an other quality.

TO REMEMBER ONESELF

5. W here our attention is I w ish to be conscious o f m yself. Yet, as I am at this m om en t, can I k n o w m yself, can I be conscious o f m yself? I cannot. I am to o scat­ tered. I feel nothing. But I see that I am asleep, and I see the sym ptom s o f this sleep. I have fo rgo tten the sense o f m y existence, I have forgot­ ten m yself. A n d at th is m om en t I receive a shock: I am aw a k in g , I w a n t to w a k e up. T h en , h a v in g scarcely felt the shock, I feel m y s e lf taken again, held back b y the elem ents o f m y sleep— associations that tu rn around, em otions that tak e m e, un con scious sensations. I feel m y s e lf fall back into forgetfulness. W e do not realize h o w passive w e are, alw ays pulled along b y events, people and things. W e b eg in an activity w ith great interest, fu lly aw are o f our aim. But after a certain tim e the im pulse w eakens, overcom e by inertia. O u r understanding dim inishes, and w e feel the need for som e­ th in g n ew that w ill restore the interest, the life. O u r inner w o rk p ro ­ gresses like this in stages, and alw ays depends on n e w forces. It is determ ined b y laws. W e m ust get rid o f the idea that progress is continu­ ous in a straight line. T h ere are stages w h ere the intensity dim inishes and, i f w e w ish not to fall back, a force m ust appear that is m ore active. T h e passive “m an ” in us, the o n ly one w e kn o w , is th e on e w e trust. But as lo n g as w e rem ain passive, n o th in g n e w can appear. W e

15

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A CALL TO C ONS CI OUS NE S S

m ust b eco m e active in relation to o u r inertia, the passive w o rk o f our fu n ctions. If w e w ish to ch ange, w e m ust lo o k for the n e w “m an ” in ourselves, the one w h o is hidden. T h is is the on e w h o rem em bers, w h o has a force that can o n ly be b ro u g h t b y o u r w ish , o u r w ill, and m ust g r o w d egree b y degree. It is n ecessary to see that a m ore active state, a greater intensity, is possible. I need to reco gn ize that in m y usual state m y attention is undivided. W h e n I open to the outside, I am natu rally interested in it. M y attention goes there. I cannot prevent m yself. If m y force o f attention is entirely taken, I am lost in life, identified, asleep. A ll m y capacity to be present is lost. I lose m yself, the feelin g o f m yself. M y existence loses its m eaning. So, the first step is a separation in w h ich m y attention is divided. O u r effort m u st alw ays b e clear— to b e present, that is, to b e g in to rem em b er m yself. W ith the attention divided, I am present in tw o di­ rections, as present as I can be. M y atten tion is en gaged in tw o opposite directions, and I am at the center. T h is is the act o f self-rem em bering. I w ish to keep part o f m y attention on the aw areness o f b elo n g in g to a h igh er level and, u nd er this influen ce, try to open to the outer w orld. I m ust m ake an effort to rem ain related, an effort o f attention. I try to k n o w tru ly w h a t I am . I stru gg le to stay present, at the sam e tim e w ith a feelin g o f “I” tu rn ed to w ard a b etter q u a lity and w ith an o rd in ary feelin g tied to m y self, m y person. I w ish to see and not forget that I b elo n g to these tw o levels. W e m ust see w h ere o u r attention is. W h e re is o u r attention w h en w e rem em ber ourselves? W h ere is o u r attention in life? O rder can be born in us o n ly i f w e enter into direct contact w ith disorder. W e are not in the disorder. W e are the state o f disorder. If I lo o k at w h at I really am, I see the disorder. A n d w h ere there is a direct contact, there is an im m e­ diate action. I b egin to realize that m y Presence is w h ere m y attention is.

6. The first initiation B ehind all m y m anifestations, there is a w ish to k n o w m yself, to k n o w that I exist and h o w I exist. But in m y contacts w ith the w orld, an im age

To Remember O neself

17

o f “ I” is form ed at th e sam e tim e as th e contact. I am attached to this im age because I take it as b ein g m e. I try to affirm and protect it. I am the slave o f this im age. B ein g so attached and tak en in th ese reactions, I have no attention left to k n o w that I am also so m eth in g else. A s I am , I reco g n ize n o th in g above m e, either outside o r inside m yself. T h eo retica lly perhaps, but not a c tu a lly So I have n o reference w ith w h ich to m easu re m yself, and live exclu sively a cco rd in g to “I lik e” or “ I don’t like.” I va lu e o n ly m y s e lf and liv e passively accord ing to w h a t pleases m e. T h is v a lu in g o f m y o rd in a ry "I" blinds m e. It is the biggest obstacle to a n e w life. T h e first requ irem en t for self-kn ow led ge is a ch an ge in m y opinion o f m yself, w h ich can o n ly co m e fro m actu ­ ally seeing th in gs in m y s e lf that I have not seen b efore. A n d in order to see, I m ust learn to see. T h is is the first initiation into self-kn ow ledge. I try to see h o w I am in a state o f identification, to exp erience h o w I am w h en I am identified. I need to k n o w the en orm ou s p o w e r o f the force beh in d identification and its irresistible m ovem en t. T h is force, w h ich sustains us in life, does not w a n t self-rem em bering. It drives us tow ard m an ifestation and refuses the m o v em en t inw ard. T o see m y s e lf in identification is to see w h a t I am in life. But each tim e I rem em b er m y h ig h er possibilities, I g o away, I refu se w h a t I am in life. A n d this refu sal prevents m e fro m k n o w in g it. I m ust be clever in order to catch m y s e lf w ith o u t ch a n g in g a n yth in g, w ith o u t ch a n g in g m y w ish to m anifest. I n eed to see m y s e lf as a m ach in e d riven b y the processes that appear— thou gh ts, desires, m ovem en ts. I need to k n o w m y se lf as a m ach in e— to be present w h ile I fu n ctio n as a m achine. W h o am I in life? I m u st experience it, have a m ore conscious im p res­ sion o f it. In order to face the force o f identification, there m ust be som e­ th in g present that attends— an attention that is stable, free and related to another level. I w ish to be present to w h a t is ta k in g place, to rem ain conscious o f m y s e lf and not lose m yself. M y effo rt is m ade w ith so m e­ th in g that does not b elo n g to m y o rd in a ry m eans. I need a certain w ill and desire u n k n o w n to m y o rd in a ry self. M y o rd in a ry “I” m ust g iv e up its place. T h ro u g h m ain ta in in g the atten tion and not fo rg e ttin g to

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A CALL TO C O NS CI O US NE S S

loo k, perhaps one day I w ill be able to see. If I see one tim e, I can see a second tim e, and i f this repeats I w ill no lon ger be able not to see. In order to observe, I have to stru ggle. M y ord in ary nature refuses self-observation. I need to prepare, to o rg a n ize a stru ggle against the obstacle, to w ith d ra w a little fro m m y identification— sp eakin g, im ag­ ining, expressing negative em otions. C o n sciou s stru ggle requires ch oice and acceptance. It m ust not be m y state that dictates the choice. I m ust ch oose the stru gg le to be present and accept that su fferin g w ill appear. T h ere is no stru gg le w ith o u t sufferin g. S truggle is unaccep t­ able to o u r lo w e r nature; stru gg le upsets it. T h is is w h y it is so im p o r­ tan t alw ays to rem em b er w h a t w e w is h — the m e a n in g o f o u r w o rk and o u r Presence. In g o in g against a habit, for exam ple, lik e eatin g or sit­ tin g in a certain w ay, w e are not stru g g lin g to ch an ge the habit. O r in try in g not to express negative em otions, w e are not stru g g lin g against the em otion s th em selves or stru g g lin g to do aw ay w ith th eir expres­ sion. It is a stru gg le w ith o u r identification, to a llo w the en erg y o th er­ w ise w a sted to serve the w o rk. W e stru gg le not against som eth in g, w e stru gg le for som eth in g.

7. Can we become conscious> T h e w o r k to be present is in the d irectio n o f consciousness— that is, a special kin d o f p erception independent o f the activ ity o f the in tellec­ tu a l m ind, a perception o f oneself: w h o one is, w h ere one is and then w h a t one k n o w s and does not know . In the m om en t o f consciousness there is the im m ed iate im pression o f a d irect perception. T h is is quite d ifferen t fro m w h a t w e u su a lly call “consciousness,” w h ich operates m ore lik e a reflection fa ith fu lly a cco m p an yin g w h a t I experience and rep resen tin g it in m y m ind. W h e n this consciousness reflects the fact that I th in k or feel so m eth in g, th is is a second action that, like a shadow, fo llo w s the first. W ith o u t this sh ad ow I am un con scious o f and ignore the o rig in a l th o u g h t or feelin g. If, for exam ple, I am a n g ry and beside m yself, I o n ly see it as lo n g as I am aw are o f th e reflection w h ich , like a w itness, tells m e in a w h isp er that I am angry. T h e w h isp er follow s

To Remember O neself

19

so closely u pon the p reced in g fee lin g th at I believe th ey are one and the sam e. But it is n o t really lik e that. C an w e becom e conscious? It is all a question o f energies and their relation, w ith each en erg y alw ays co n trolled b y a fin er on e that is m ore active, m ore an im atin g, lik e a m agnet. T h e e n erg y used in o u r fu n c­ tions— o u r thoughts, o u r em otions, o u r sensations— is passive, inert. Spent in m ovem en ts to w a rd the outside, this en erg y suffices in q u a lity for o u r life as h igh er anim als, but is not fine en o u g h for an in n er act o f perception, o f consciousness. N evertheless, w e do h ave som e p o w e r o f attention, at least on the surface, som e capacity to po in t the attention in a desired d irection and hold it there. A lth o u g h it is fragile, this seed or bud o f attention is consciousness em erg in g fro m deep w ith in us. For it to g row , w e need to learn to concentrate, to d evelop th is capacity indispensable for p reparin g the gro u n d . T h is is the first th in g that w e do ourselves, n o t dependent on anyon e else. T h e practice o f b ein g present is self-rem em bering. Instead o f bein g taken outw ard, the attention o f the fu n ctions is turn ed tow ard the in­ side for a m om en t o f consciousness. I need to reco gn ize that I can u n ­ derstand n o th in g i f I can n ot rem em b er m yself. T h is m eans rem em b er­ in g m y highest possibilities, that is, rem em b erin g w h a t I open to w h en I com e back to m y s e lf alone. To rem em b er m y s e lf also m eans to be present to m y situation— to the place, the conditions, the w a y I am taken b y life. T h ere is no roo m for dream ing. Perhaps I w ill not com e to a state that is satisfying. It does not m at­ ter. W h a t is im portan t is the effort to b e present. W e can n ot alw ays find a better state that brings a feelin g o f so m eth in g new. W e feel unable and conclude that there is n o th in g perm an ent in us on w h ich w e can rely. But it is not true. T h ere is som ething. In a b etter state, w e can see that w e have in us all the elem ents necessary to com e to it. T h e elem ents are already here. T h is m eans the possibilities are alw ays here in us. W h a t is too often m issin g is k n o w in g w h a t I w an t. A n d it is this that u nd erm in es m y w ill to w o rk. W ith o u t k n o w in g w h a t I w an t, I w ill not m ake any effort. I w ill sleep. W ith o u t w ish in g for a different qu ality in m yself, to tu rn to w ard m y h igh er possibilities, I w ill have

A CALL TO CONSCI OUSNESS

20

n o th in g to lean on, n o th in g to support w o rk. I m ust alw ays, again and again, com e b a ck to th is question: W h a t do I w ish? It m ust b ecom e the m ost im p ortan t qu estion o f m y life. Yet this w ish for a different qu ality has no force at all i f it com es fro m m y o rd in a ry “I.” It m ust be related to so m eth in g co m p letely d ifferent fro m m y o rd in a ry “1” and free from the desire for a result. I m ust not fo rget why I w ish . T h is m ust be for m e really a qu estion o f life or death— I w is h to be, to live in a certain way.

8. The watchman W e do not see o u r state o f sleep. In this state w e th in k o f w o rkin g; w e th in k, “I w is h to be present.” But the effo rt to b e present is so m eth in g v e ry d ifferent fro m th in k in g . It is an effo rt in the d irection o f con ­ sciousness. W e m ust com e to k n o w w h eth er w e are conscious at a g iv en m om en t, and all the d egrees o f this consciousness. Its presence or absence can thus b e p ro ved b y an in n er act o f observin g. I am in fron t o f so m eth in g I do not know . I am in front o f a m ys­ tery, the m ystery o f m y P resence. I m ust reco g n ize that I can n ot k n o w this m ystery w ith m y o rd in a ry m eans o f k n o w in g . But I m ust u nd er­ stand, at least in tellectu ally, w h a t it w o u ld m ea n to be present— that is, to be present not o n ly w ith m y head, m y sensation or m y feelin g, but w ith all these elem ents o f m y P resence together. M aybe then I still w ill not be tru ly present, bu t at least I w ill search for a co m m o n direction. W h o is present— w h o is seeing? A n d w h o m ? T h e w h o le problem is here. In order to observe ourselves w e need an attention that is different fro m o u r o rd in a ry attention. W e u n d ertake the stru ggle to be vigilant, to w a tch — the stru ggle o f the w atch m an . W e seek to have a w atch m an in us w h o is stable. T h e one w h o w atches is the one w h o is present. O n ly the w a tch m an is active. T h e rest o f m e is passive. T h e w atch m an m u st take an im pression o f the in n er state w h ile try in g to see ev ery ­ th in g at the sam e tim e and have a sense o f th e w h ole. W e m ust learn to d istin gu ish b etw e en the real “ I,” w h ich is no w h ere to be seen, and the personality, w h ich takes o ver and b elieves it is the o n ly one w h o exists.

To Remember O neself

21

O n e has p o w er o ver the other. T h e necessity is to reverse the roles. T h e danger is that w e do not see the roles ch an ge b a ck again. I believe I need to pay attention w hen , in fact, I need to see and k n o w m y inattention. O bservation o f m y s e lf show s m e h o w b etter to co ncentrate and strengthens the attention. It m akes m e see that I do not rem em b er m yself, that I do not see m y state o f sleep. I am fragm en ted , m y atten­ tion is dispersed, and th ere is no force that is available to see. W h e n I aw aken, I m ake an effort to d isen gage en o u g h atten tion to oppose this dispersion, and to see it. T h is is a state that is m ore vo lu n tary. N o w there is a w a tch m an , and this w a tch m a n is a d ifferen t state o f co n ­ sciousness. I m ust alw ays rem em b er that I do not k n o w w h a t I am , that the w h o le prob lem is who is present. Self-observation b y m y usual th ough t, w ith its separation b etw e en the o bserver and w h a t is o b ­ served, w ill o n ly stren gth en the illusion o f m y o rd in a ry "I." A t a certain m om en t w e com e to see tw o aspects, tw o natures, in ourselves— a h igh er n atu re related to one w o rld and a lo w e r nature related to another, a d ifferent w orld. W h a t are w e? W e are neither one nor the oth er— neither G o d nor anim al. W e participate in life w ith both a d ivin e nature and an an im al nature. M an is double; he is not one. A nd as such, he is o n ly a prom ise o f m an u n til he can liv e w ith b o th natures present in h im s e lf and not w ith d ra w into on e or the other. If he w ith d ra w s into the h igh er part, he is distant fro m his m an i­ festations and can no lo n ger evalu ate them ; he n o lon ger k n o w s or experiences his an im al nature. I f he slides into the oth er nature, he forgets ev e ry th in g that is not anim al, and there is n o th in g to resist it; he is anim al . . . not m an. T h e a n im al alw ays refu ses th e angel. T h e angel turn s aw ay fro m the anim al. A conscious m an is one w h o is alw ays vig ila n t, alw ays w a tch fu l, w h o rem em bers h im s e lf in bo th d irections and has his tw o natures alw ays confronted.

THE NEED TO K N O W

p. N ew knowledge is necessary G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t a tea ch in g o f the F ou rth W a y that calls for conscious w o r k rather th an obedience. A fu n d a m en ta l idea is that in o u r ordi­ n a ry state e v e ry th in g takes place in sleep. A n d in sleep w e can see noth in g. W e can n ot d irect o u r lives b y o u r o w n w ill. W e are en tirely depen den t o n influ en ces fro m outside and enslaved b y the autom atic reactions o f o u r fu n ctio n in g. It is com plete slavery. T h ere is no h igh er principle, n o conscious principle. M an has th e p o ssib ility to a w a k en fro m this sleep, to aw aken to the higher, to be. T h e m eans is th e attention. In sleep the attention is taken. It m u st be freed and tu rn ed in another d irection. T h is is the separation o f “I” and “me." It is the active force opposed to the passive, the stru gg le b e tw e e n the yes and the no. T h is m ob ilizatio n o f the atten­ tio n is the first step to w a rd the p o ssib ility o f self-rem em bering. W ith ­ o u t a d ifferent attention, w e are obliged to b e autom atic. W ith an attention that is vo lu n tarily directed , w e g o tow ard consciousness. D iv id in g the atten tion m akes it possible to b e g in the observation o f oneself. Self-observation m ust alw ays be related to the idea o f cen ­ ters and o f th eir autom atic fu n ctio n in g, in particular, the lack o f a co m ­ m o n direction. O u r th ree centers— m in d , b o d y and feelin g— w o rk w ith d ifferent energies, and their disposition d eterm ines the influ-

22

The Need to Know

23

ences that reach us. W e can receive m ore subtle, h ig h e r influ en ces o n ly i f o u r centers are disposed in a certain w ay. W h e n w e are w h o lly under the p o w er o f lo w er influences, the h igh er ca n n o t reach us. E v e ry th in g depends on the q u a lity o f the influen ces that w e obey, h igh er or low er. A s w e are, each in flu en ce produces a kin d o f reactio n that corresponds to it. N egative em otion s are a n egatio n on a v e ry lo w level. If o u r reac­ tions are on a lo w level, w h a t w e receive is on a lo w level. W e need to learn to o bey the law g o v e rn in g h igh er forces, co n sciou sly to subm it o u r w ill to the higher. T h e m om en t o f consciousness is a m om en t o f w ill. N e w k n o w led g e is necessary, a k n o w led g e that can lead to a n e w u nd erstan d in g o f m an and to a ch an ge in bein g, th at is, to evolution. T h e science u n d erlyin g the F ou rth W a y is ancient, alth o u gh it has been forgotten . It is a science that studies m an n o t ju s t as he is bu t as he can becom e. It regards m an as h a vin g a p o ssib ility o f e v o lvin g, and studies the facts, the principles and the law s o f this evolu tion. T h is is an ev o lu ­ tion o f certain qualities that can n ot d evelop b y them selves. It can n ot be m echanical. T h is evolu tio n calls for conscious effort and for seeing. K n o w led ge is k n o w led g e o f th e w h o le. Yet w e can o n ly receive it in fragm ents. A fte rw a rd w e m ust co n n ect th em o urselves in order to find their place in an u n d erstan d in g o f the w hole. T h e F ou rth W ay is to b e lived. In the w o r k to b e present I n eed first to find each d ay a certain q u a lity o f co m in g b a ck to m yself. T h e n I m ust becom e able to o b serve m y identification w ith the life force and find a place in m y s e lf in w h ich at certain m om en ts m y attention can hold itself b etw e en the tw o . For this, it is n ecessary to w o rk w ith others.

10. S e lf observation If I w ish to understand m yself, I m ust above all have a m in d that is ca­ pable o f o b serv in g w ith o u t distortion. T h is requ ires m y fu ll attention, w h ich appears o n ly w h en there is a real need to know , w h e n the m ind turn s e v e ry th in g aw ay in order to observe. I n e ver o b serve m y s e lf in

24

A CALL TO CONSCIOUSNESS

action. I n ever see m y s e lf fu n ctio n in g m ech anically, nor see that I like to fu n ctio n m echanically. I need to be co n vin ced o f the d etours— exp e­ riences and k n o w le d g e — that preven t m e fro m o b serv in g m yself. T h is kin d o f o bservation is the b e g in n in g o f self-know ledge. I w ish to experience each th o u g h t and each fee lin g in m yself, but m y atten tion alw ays w anders. N o th o u g h t is ever com pleted, no feel­ in g is ever concluded. T h e fee lin g sw in g s fro m on e th in g to another, ordered here and there lik e a slave. W ith th is continual m ovem ent, I can n ot d isco ver the profou n d m ea n in g o f these th ou gh ts or these feel­ ings. M y reactions have to slow d ow n . But how? T h is can n ot be im ­ posed. It w o u ld create co n flict and u n d erm in e the effort. Yet, w h en I concentrate in order to see, b y its e lf this act slow s d o w n the speed o f the reaction. If the atten tion is free o f any im age or w ord, free o f k n o w l­ edge, m y feelin g slow s d ow n . T h ere is an instant before the reaction appears, in w h ich I can see m y th ou gh ts and feelin gs arise. I see them as facts. For the first tim e I understand w h a t a “ fact” is— so m eth in g that I can n ot ch an ge, that I can n ot avoid, so m eth in g which is. T h is is true! A s m y o n ly interest is to see, I do not in terven e and the real sig­ nificance o f th ese th ou gh ts and feelin gs is revealed. T ru th becom es allp o w e rfu l to m e. In this state m y k n o w in g has stopped; the search alone exists. H o w can I k n o w a liv in g thing? B y fo llo w in g it. To k n o w the S e lf I m ust be w ith the Self. I m u st fo llo w it. G u rd jieff tau ght the necessity o f self-observation, but this practice has been m ostly m isu nd erstood . U su ally w h e n I try to observe, there is a point fro m w h ich the o bservation is m ade, and m y m ind projects the idea o f o b serv in g, o f an o b server separate fro m the object observed. But the idea o f o b serv in g is not the o bservin g. Seein g is not an idea. It is an act, the act o f seeing. H ere the object is m e, a liv in g bein g that needs to be r e co g n iz e d in order to live a certain life. T h is observation is not that o f a fixed o bserver lo o k in g at an object. It is one com plete act, an experience that can take place o n ly i f there is no separation b e ­ tw e e n w h a t sees and w h a t is seen, n o p o in t fro m w h ich the o bserva­ tio n is m ade. T h e n th ere is a fee lin g o f a special kind, a wish to know. It is an affection that em braces e v e ry th in g that I see and is indifferen t to

The Need to Know

2.5

nothing. I need to see. W h e n I b e g in to see, I b e g in to love w h a t I see. N o lon ger separate, I am in con tact w ith it, intensely, com pletely. I know, and th is k n o w in g is the resu lt o f this n e w condition. I w a k e up to w h a t I am and to u ch the source o f tru e love, a q u a lity o f being. T h e tru th o f w h a t I am can o n ly be seen b y a fine energy, an intel­ ligen ce in m e that sees. T h is requ ires a precise relation b e tw e e n m y u sual th in k in g and this seeing. O n e m u st su bm it to the other, or I w ill be taken b y the m aterial o f the th ou ght. T h ere can b e no contradiction, h o w e v er sm all, in m yself. O th erw ise, I ca n n o t see. A contrad iction m eans on one side the need to k n o w w h a t I am , and on the o th er a head that fu n ctio n s for itself alone, an em o tio n th at feels for itself alone, and tensions that cu t m e o ff fro m sensation. W h e n I see m y s e lf lost in the dark, I feel the need for clarity, for vision . I feel the necessity to see, a com pletely d ifferen t fee lin g fro m w is h in g to ch a n g e because yesterday I had a b etter state. T h en , little b y little, the tensions in the b o d y let g o b y them selves. T h e m in d sees w ith o u t seek in g a result, and the b o d y opens to a d ifferen t quality. T h e e n erg y b ecom es free and an inner reality appears. T h ere is no m ore contradiction. I see, ju st t h a t . . . I o n ly see. To observe w ith o u t con trad iction is lik e fo llo w in g a fast curren t, a torrent, anticipating the ru sh in g w a ter w ith o n e’s loo k, seeing the m ovem en t o f each little w ave. T h e re is no tim e to form ulate, to nam e or to jud ge. T h ere is no m ore th in kin g. M y m ind b ecom es quiet and sensitive— v e ry alive bu t quiet. It sees w ith o u t distortion. Silent obser­ vation gives b irth to und erstan d in g, but this tru th m ust be seen. O rd er is born fro m u n d erstan d in g disorder. T o be disorder and, at the sam e tim e, present to the disorder brings the k n o w in g o f a d ifferen t possibil­ ity, a different order o f things.

11. Conscious effort W h y do I b eg in to w ork? In order to k n o w w h a t m oves m e to m ake an effort, I need a m ore conscious attention. T h is attention can n ot be m e­ chanical, because it m ust be co n stan tly adjusted in order to last. T h e re

A CALL TO C ONS CI OUS NE S S

26

has to be so m eo n e vig ila n t w h o w atch es, and that w a tch m an w ill be a d ifferent state o f consciousness. W h e n I w ith d ra w fro m life to open to w h a t I am , a m om en t som e­ tim es com es w h e n I feel m y s e lf b elo n g in g to a n ew order, a cosm ic order. I receive this im pression, I b ecom e conscious o f it. T h is im p res­ sion cou ld n o w b ecom e part o f m y P resence. It is here to help m e, and it can help m e i f I co n n ect it to o th er sim ilar im pressions. By associat­ in g it w ith these o th er im pressions, I can m ake it appear consciously. I m ust w a tch w ith a vo lu n ta ry atten tion to keep the conscious im pres­ sion o f m y s e lf as lon g as possible. W e can have accidental m om en ts o f rem em b erin g due to con ­ scious and u n co n scio u s im pressions. T h ese im pressions recu r in us, w e k n o w not how . But th ey escape and are lost because th ey are not con­ nected, not associated volun tarily. W e h ave no vo lu n tary attitude w h e n w e experience th em , and co n seq u en tly th ey are b o u n d to lead to blind reaction. I need to find an attitude that is m ore conscious w ith respect to them . W h e n I see that I am n o t the sam e fro m one m om en t to the next, I feel the need to h ave a p o in t o f reference. I have to m ea­ sure these d ifferences in m y state in relation to so m eth in g that is al­ w a y s the sam e. A ll m y w o rk w ill th en revo lve around this point. For m e this reference is m y actual u n d erstan d in g o f w h a t it is to be a con ­ scious being. T h ere m ust be a sacrifice to sustain the fee lin g o f Presence I have at the m om en t o f an effort. I have to accept vo lu n tarily to g iv e up m y o rd in a ry w ill, to m ake it serve. E v e ry th in g depends on m y active par­ ticipation. In general, I put to o m u ch em phasis on not bein g taken, on not losin g m y state. I fo rget at w h a t point I need help. I trust so m eth in g that w ill n ever sustain m e, and I do n o t pray for so m eth in g higher, so m eth in g in m y s e lf that is finer. So, n o th in g sustains m e and I am d eprived o f w h a t I need. It can n ot be o th erw ise. F eelin g passes th ro u g h phases that are lin ked to attention. In b e ­ co m in g active, the atten tion acquires a finer q u a lity and becom es ca­ pable o f g ra sp in g w h a t is ta k in g place o n o th er levels, w h ere vibrations h ave a d ifferent w a ve len gth . W h e n I have a fee lin g o f m y P resence, I

The Need to Know

27

am con n ected w ith h igh er forces. A t the sam e tim e, I am co n n ected w ith lo w er forces. I am in b etw e en . I can n ot have a sense o f m y s e lf w ith o u t the participation o f the lo w er forces th at w o r k in m e. A co n ­ scious attention m eans so m eth in g that is b e tw e e n tw o w orlds. W h a t is d ifficu lt to understan d is that w ith o u t consciou s effort, n o th in g is possible. C o n scio u s effort is related to h igh er nature. M y low er nature alone can n ot lead m e to consciousness. It is blind. But w h en I w a k e up and I feel that I b elo n g to a h igh er w o rld , th is is o n ly part o f conscious effort. I b ecom e tru ly conscious o n ly w h e n I op en to all m y possibilities, h igh er and low er. T h ere is valu e o n ly in conscious effort.

12. The sacred manifests as inner consciousness W e are seekin g to approach the u n k n o w n , to open the d oor to w h a t is hidden in us and pass beyond. It is necessary to subm it en tirely to an inner voice, to a feelin g o f the divine, o f the sacred in us, but w e can do it o n ly in part. T h e sacred m anifests as inn er consciousness. T h e divine, G od, m ust be fou nd w ith in . Tru th , the o n ly truth, is in consciousness. E v e ry th in g that exists is constitu ted o f th ree forces. T h e y can be represented as the Father, the active force; the Son, the passive force; and the H oly Spirit, the n e u tra lizin g force. T h e Father creates the Son. T h e Son returns to the Father. T h e force that descends is the one that w ish es to return, to g o b a ck up. In m an it is the m in d th at is opposed to the body. T h e n e u tra lizin g force is the w ish that u n ites them , con n ects them . E v e ry th in g com es fro m the w ish , the w ill. T o represent G o d , it is n ecessary to represent these three forces. W h e re the th ree forces are reunited, G o d is. W h ere ou r attention is, G o d is. W h e n tw o forces are opposed and a th ird u nites them , G o d is here. W e can say, "L ord, have m ercy o n m e.” W e can ask for help, to come to this in ourselves. T h e o n ly help is this. O u r aim is this, to contain, to u n ite these th ree forces in us . . . to Be.

II

OPENING TO PRESENCE

The moment o f receiving an impression is the moment o f becoming conscious. Consciousness is always consciousness o f self I need to feel that this Presence form s itse lf in me. It is only by working to be present that my attention w ill develop. In each event o f life there is a double movement o f involution and evolution. The effort I can make w ith my ordinary means, the only effort that is incum bent on me, is one o f voluntary passivity— a conscious effort. The attitude we take, our inner and outer posture, is at the same time our aim and our way.

I N A PASSIVE STATE

13. M y functions are passive W h atev er the state in w h ich I find m y se lf at this m om ent, w h a tever the sense o f the force I m anifest, the highest possibilities are here, hidden b y the th ick screen o f m y passivity in b eliev in g in m y self-sufficiency. M y destiny b egin s w h en I feel the call o f an other force in m e and respond to it voluntarily. T h is is m y first v o lu n ta ry act, b eco m in g available to a reality that changes m y pu rp ose for living. I am here in order to hear this force, not to exp ect so m eth in g fro m it or to appropriate it. I am here to understand the actio n that w ill create th e p o ssib ility o f a re­ sponsible life. A s I am today, I feel em pty, livin g w ith o u t m eaning, w ith o u t a real aim , w ith ou t purpose. I am here sim ply because I have been created. A n d I feel m y life g o b y w ith o u t any sense o f direction, all the w h ile sug­ gestible, subject to w h at I hope, w h at I expect, w h at I have to do, w h at all this m eans. M y functions are passive, under the influence and at the m ercy o f ev ery th in g that touches them . M y th in k in g hears w ords it b e­ lieves it understands, and im m ediately has associations. M y feeling, on the lookout for w h at pleases or displeases m e, is curious or refuses. A nd m y b o d y is heavy, digestin g or lo u n gin g in its torpor. I feel m y se lf pas­ sive. W h en I have to m anifest, to express m yself, I sim ply react to the

3i

32

O P E N I N G TO P R E S E N C E

im pression received according to the w a y m y centers have been edu­ cated. I o n ly see form s— things and persons— never forces. I never re­ spond from vision, fro m an understanding o f reality. T h a t in m e w h ich is m ore tru ly “I” does not appear. A ll inner and outer events seem like a dream because I do not feel tru ly touched. W h a t is it that im pressions do not reach? W h a t is it in m e that does not feel touched to the core? I w ish to see m yself. But the e n erg y o f m y loo kin g, m y seeing, is passive. I see w h a t I lo o k at o n ly th ro u g h an im age, an idea. So I do not really see, I am n o t in d irect con tact w ith w h a t I see. H eld passive b y the idea, m y atten tion is not free. I react to the im age o f w h a t I see, and th in gs repeat in the sam e w a y indefinitely. M y th in k in g reacts auto­ m atically, m a k in g com parisons and o b e y in g com m an d s fro m all the m aterial accu m u lated o ver tim e. C a n I have a th in k in g that is m ore active and n ot co n tin u ally occu pied in d ra w in g fro m its m em ory? Such th in k in g w o u ld hold its e lf in fro n t o f a fact, sensitive and receptive, w ith o u t m a k in g any ju d g m e n t or su ggestion , w ith o u t any thoughts. It w o u ld hold its e lf sim ply b y an u rg e n cy to k n o w the truth. T h is th in k­ in g w o u ld be lik e a light. It w o u ld be able to see. M y sensin g is also passive. I sense m y s e lf as a fam iliar form to w h ich I retu rn again and again, a fo rm th at corresponds to m y usual w a y o f th in k in g . C a n I h ave a sensin g th at is m ore active, aw akened en tirely to the en erg y it receives? T h is sensing, like this th in k in g, w o u ld b e w ith o u t any m o tive to possess. W h e n I exp erien ce this m ore active th in k in g and sensing together, I d iscover a n e w w ish , a feelin g o f u rg en cy to be like this. It is o n ly at the m om en t this in ten sity appears— o f w is h in g to see, o f w ish in g to k n o w what is— that I aw a k e to m y s e lf and to w h a t I am as a w h ole. I aw ake not in order to ch an ge bu t to k n o w the true, the real. W h a t has ch an ged is m y attitude. It is m ore conscious. A n d I see that if this active w is h in g is not here, I w ill fall b a ck into m y dream . M y w is h in g to k n o w and understand takes precedence o ver ev ery ­ th in g. It is n o t ju s t an idea in m y head, o r a p articu lar sensation or e m o ­ tion. It asks e v e ry th in g o f m e all at once. C a n I learn to listen to it?

In a Passive State

33

14. I need impressions o f myself In m y state o f bein g tod ay there is no stability, no "I." I do not k n o w m yself. I b eg in to feel I m u st com e to a m om en t o f Presen ce th at is m ore com plete. W h a t I need above all is to have an im pression— as deep as possible— o f m yself. I n ever h ave a deep im pression. M y im ­ pressions are superficial. T h e y ju st produce associations at the surface, w h ich leave no m e m o ry and ch a n g e n o th in g , tra n sfo rm n oth in g. G u rd jieff spoke o f im pressions as food, but w e do not understan d w h a t it m eans to feed o urselves o r its significance for o u r being. I am p o o r in the m aterial o f im pressions o f m yself. W h a t I have is so little, it has no w eigh t. If I really w a n t to k n o w so m eth in g, to be sure o f som eth in g, I first need to be "im p ressed ” b y the k n o w led ge . I need this n e w kn o w led ge. I m u st be “ im p ressed ” b y it so stron gly that I w ill at this m om en t know it w ith all o f m yself, m y w h o le bein g, not m erely think it w ith m y head. I f I do not h ave en o u g h im pressions, en o u g h o f this bein g-kn ow led ge, I can have no con viction . W ith o u t th is k n o w l­ edge, w ith o u t m aterial, h o w w ill I valu e things? H o w w ill I w ork? T h ere is n o th in g to provid e an im pulse in one d irectio n o r another. T h ere is no possib ility to act consciously. So, the v e ry first th in g I need for conscious action is im pressions o f m yself, b o th in qu iet conditions w h en I am m ore open to w h a t I am , and in the m idst o f life w h e n I try to see m y s e lf b ein g lost. U n til I have a certain q u a n tity o f im pressions, I can n ot see fu rther, I can n ot understan d m ore. W e th in k o f im pressions as lifeless, fixed lik e a photograph. But w ith ev ery im pression w e receive a certain am o u n t o f energy, so m e­ th in g alive that acts on us, that anim ates us. I can feel th is w h en I have a n e w im pression o f m yself, an im pression en tirely d ifferent fro m the w a y I u su a lly exp erien ce m yself. I su d d en ly k n o w so m e th in g real in m y s e lf in quite a n e w w ay, and I receive an e n erg y b y w h ic h I am ani­ m ated. But then I lose it, I do not retain it. It g o es as i f tak en b y a thief. A n d w h en I need it m ost, w h e n I w ish to b e present in fro n t o f m y life, there is no support to help m e and I lose m yself. I b e g in to see that

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im pressions o f m y s e lf are fo o d , that th ey b rin g an en erg y w h ich m ust be received and m ust be retained. W e need to see w h a t is in the way, and w e need to understand w h y receivin g an im pression is so d ifficu lt. It is n o t b ecause I do not w ish to receive it. It is because I am not able. I am alw ays closed, w h a tever the circu m stan ces o f life. A t tim es, m aybe for a flash I am open to an im ­ pression. But alm ost im m ed ia tely I react. T h e im pression is autom ati­ ca lly associated w ith o th er th in gs and the reaction com es. T h e button is pushed and this o r that th ou gh t, em o tio n or gestu re m ust follow . I can n ot help it, first o f all becau se I do not see it. M y reaction cuts m e o ff fro m the im pression, as w e ll as fro m the reality it represents. T h is is the barrier, the w a ll. In reactin g, I close. W h a t I do not see is that I lose all contact w ith reality w h en m y ha­ bitual fun ctions take charge. N ow , for exam ple, I turn to m y b o d y and sense that m y b o d y is here. I sense m y left arm — that is, I have an im pres­ sion o f m y left arm . A s soon as this im pression reaches m e, it provokes m y thought, w h ich says, “a r m . . . left arm .” A n d at the m om ent I say this to m yself, I lose the im pression. In th in k in g o f the arm , I believe I k n o w it. I have m ore trust in the th ou ght than in the fact, the real existence o f the arm . But the though t o f the arm is not the fact. A n d it is the same w ith m y o w n reality. I have the im pression o f life in m yself, but as soon as I th in k “ It is m e,” I lose it. I take m y th ou gh t to be the fact itself and believe I k n o w it. W ith this credulity, this blind b e lie f in m y thought, I no longer have any question or any interest in receivin g the impression. I am unable to take in im pressions consciously. T h erefo re, I do not k n o w m yself. A t the sam e tim e I need this m ore than a n y th in g else. If I can n ot receive an im pression o f m yself, I w ill n ever be able to rem em ­ ber m y s e lf and k n o w w h a t I am . T h e m om en t o f receivin g an im p res­ sion is the m om en t o f b e c o m in g conscious. It is the act o f seeing.

15. Hypnotized by my mind A n inatten tive m in d is filled w ith th ou ghts. In a passive state it is co n ­ stantly crea tin g im ages and ap p lyin g th em to w h a t I observe. T h e im ­

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ages provok e pleasure o r pain, w h ich is record ed in m y m em ory, and illusions form around desires for satisfaction. In o b serv in g fro m a fixed van tage point, this m in d creates a kin d o f separation, an opposition, a ju d g e that reacts to e v e ry th in g w ith a p reco n cep tio n based on w h a t has b een learned. T h is in n er disposition is one o f the greatest obstacles to receivin g im pressions, any im pression— ju d g in g oneself, ju d g in g another, ju d g in g others, ju d g in g . . . no m atter w h at. In tru th , o u r en­ tire life is colored, even d irected, b y this tendency, w h ich is stron ger than w e are. W h e n e v e r and w h erev er it arises, th is ju d g in g show s that o u r o rd in ary “ I” is involved. T h ere is not a m om en t in the day w h en w e stop ju d g in g , even w h en w e are alone. It keeps us in ferociou s slav­ ery, enslaved b y w h a t w e believe w e k n o w and w h a t w e b e liev e o u r­ selves to be. T h ere is in m e an essential e n erg y that is the basis o f all that exists. I do not feel it because m y atten tion is occu pied b y e v e ry th in g con ­ tained in m y m em o ry — thoughts, im ages, desires, disappointm ents, physical im pressions. I do not k n o w w h a t I am . It seem s that I am n o th ­ ing. Yet so m eth in g tells m e to loo k, to listen, to seek seriously and truly. W h e n I try to listen, I see that I am stopped b y th ou gh ts and feel­ ings o f all kinds. I listen poorly; I am not quiet en o u g h to hear, to feel. W h a t I w ish to k n o w is m ore subtle. I do not have the attention that is required. I have not yet seen the d ifference b e tw e e n a fixed attention co m in g from o n ly one part o f m y s e lf and a free attention attached to n oth in g, held back b y n o th in g, w h ic h in volves all the centers at the sam e tim e. M y usual attention is cau gh t in one part and rem ain s taken b y the m ovem ent, the fu n ctio n in g o f this part. For exam p le, I th in k about w h at I am feelin g, and m y th o u g h t responds in place o f m e. It answ ers w ith a k n o w led ge that is not true, not an im m ed iate k n o w in g . M y th ou gh ts are m erely the expression o f w h a t is stored in m y m em ory, not revelations o f so m eth in g new. T h is th in k in g is en closed in a n ar­ ro w space w ith in m yself. A lw a y s p reoccu pied, it holds b a ck m y atten­ tion in this space, isolated fro m the rest o f m e, fro m m y b o d y and feeling. W ith m y attention co n tin u ally projected fro m one th o u g h t to

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another, fro m one im age to an oth er in a flo w in g curren t, I am h y p n o ­ tized b y m y m ind. T h ese th o u g h ts— and all m y desires, affections, fears— are co n n ected o n ly b y habits or attachm ents, w h ich lin k each one to th e next. M y atten tion is cau gh t in th is cu rren t because I have n ever fu lly realize d that it w as g iv en to m e for anoth er purpose. C o u ld m y m in d be silent in its perception? C o u ld it perceive w ith ­ o u t re co g n iz in g and n am in g, that is, w ith o u t separating to be som eone w h o looks, ju d g e s and kn ow s? For this, I w o u ld need an attention I do not kn o w , an atten tion n ever separated fro m w h a t it observes, a llo w ­ in g a total experien ce w ith o u t ex clu d in g an yth in g. It is o n ly w h e n I exclude n o th in g that I am free to observe and understand m yself. W h e n m y brain can be active, sensitive, alive in a state o f attentive im ­ m obility, there is a m o v em en t o f an ex tra o rd in a ry q u ality that does not b elo n g ju st to the th in k in g , the sensation or the em otion. It is a w h o lly d ifferen t m o v em en t that leads to tru th , to w h a t w e cann ot nam e. T h e atten tion is total, w ith o u t any d is tra c tio n .. . . In th is state I w ish to see i f I am capable o f "not k n o w in g ,” o f not p u ttin g a nam e on w h a t I perceive. I h ave a sensation o f m yself, w h ich m y habitual th o u g h t calls "body," but I do not k n o w w h a t it is, I have no nam e for w h a t is here. I am aw are o f tensions, even the sm allest, but I do not k n o w w h a t tension is. T h e n I feel b reath in g, w h ich I do not k n o w . . . in a b o d y that I do not kn o w , su rrou n d ed b y people I do not know . . . . M y m in d b ecom es quiet. I b eg in to see that real k n o w in g is possible o n ly in the m om en t w h e n m y atten tion is fu ll, w h en consciousness fills ev eryth in g . T h en there are no d istin ction s— one th in g is not m ore th an another. T h ere is p ure existence. T h e creative act is the visio n o f w h a t takes place. I learn to w atch .

16. W hat is up to me O n e feels a g rea ter w is h to k n o w oneself. But w e do not feel en ou gh dem and, w e do not feel the necessity for a conscious effort. W e k n o w there is so m eth in g to do, an effort to be m ade. But w h a t effort? T h e

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question is not experienced. A s soon as it appears, w e either dism iss it or try to an sw er w ith o u r o rd in a ry m eans. I do n o t see that to face the question I need to prepare m yself. I have to gath er all m y force, to re­ m em ber m yself. A s I try to rem em b er m yself, I see w h ere m y w is h com es from . It is from m y o rd in a ry "I.” So lo n g as the im pulse com es fro m the posses­ siveness at the core o f m y personality, it w ill not b rin g the freed om necessary for a perception that is direct. W h e n I see this . . . I h ave the im pression o f b e in g a little freer. . . . But I w ish to keep this freed om , and the w a y I w ish com es again fro m possessiveness. It is lik e fin d in g freedom fro m the influ en ce o n ly to fall b a ck u nd er it again, as th ou gh fo llo w in g a m ovem en t in w ard to w ard the m ore real and th en a m o v e­ m ent o u tw a rd aw ay fro m the real. I f I am able to o b serve and live this, I w ill see that these tw o m ovem en ts are not separate. T h e y are one and the sam e process. A n d I need to feel them lik e the ebb and flo w o f a tide, w ith a keen attention that does n o t let its e lf be carried aw ay and that, b y its vision, keeps a balance. A m I capable o f d istin gu ish in g in m y s e lf a passive state fro m an active state? A t this m om en t m y force is here w ith o u t direction, at the m ercy o f w h a tever m ay take it. It is not en tirely occupied in m o v in g tow ard a desired goal. I listen, and I lo o k in m yself, but I am not active. T h e en ergy b ein g used to o b serve is n o t intense. M y attention is not in contact w ith m yself, w ith what is. It does not have a q u a lity o f p ercep­ tion that can liberate, that can ch an ge m y state. So, I am passive. M y b o d y obeys n o th in g and m y feelin g is indifferent. M y th o u g h t is tra­ versed b y ideas and im ages, and has n o reason to free itse lf fro m them . In this passive state m y centers are not related, th ey have no co m m o n direction. I am em pty. . . . Yet, as I feel a need to be present, I see that w h en m y th o u g h t is m ore v o lu n ta rily tu rn ed to w a rd m yself, a sensa­ tion appears— a sensation o f m yself. I experience it. . . . A n d then, I let m y th ou ght w ander, and I see that the sensation d im inish es and d isap­ pears. . . . But I com e b a ck to m yself, quietly, v e r y a tte n tiv e ,. . . and the sensation reappears. I see that the inten sity o f one depends on the in ­ tensity o f the other. A n d this calls fo rth a fee lin g for th is relation. T h e

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th ree parts o f m e are en gaged in the sam e aim , that is, to be present. But their relation is unstable. T h e y do not k n o w h o w to listen to each o th er or w h a t it w o u ld m ea n to be attuned. W h a t is m ost im p ortan t tod ay is to open to this n e w state that I can n ot describe, to an experience o f . . . Presence on w h ich I can put no nam e. W h e n I am qu iet I feel this action on m e. I do n o th in g m yself. But m y feelin g is touched. T h e re is an u n k n o w n feelin g, w h ich is not lin ked to an attach m en t to m y person. It is a feelin g that k n o w s di­ rectly. W h e n it is here, n o th in g in m e is isolated. I feel the w h oleness o f Presence. But it o n ly appears w h e n m y th in k in g is free, capable o f b e­ in g here w ith o u t w ords. W h e n the th in k in g changes, the feelin g changes. T h e b o d y also needs to adapt, to b e attuned. I do not k n o w h o w the relation com es about. W h e n it is established, it alw ays seem s to be m iracu lou s, and I see it as not d ep en d in g on me. But to establish it depends v e ry m u ch on m e. I m ust see w h a t is up to me. I need to learn first to render each part passive so as to receive a m ore active force. E v e ry th in g is a question o f forces. O u r existence, o u r P resence here below , is also a question o f forces. N o th in g belongs to us, n o th in g is ours. W e are here either to transm it forces or to tran s­ form th em i f w e understan d how . It is n ecessary first to feel these forces in a distin ct w ay, to feel each in itself, and th en to feel th em togeth er in order to create a n e w force able to co n fro n t the others, able to last, able to be.

A N E X P E R I E N C E OF P R E S E N C E

17. The awareness o f “being here” T h ere is in m e so m eth in g v e ry real, the self, b u t I am alw ays closed to it, d em an din g that e v e ry th in g outside p ro v e it to m e. I am alw ays on the surface, turn ed to w ard the outside in order to take so m eth in g or to defend m yself. Yet there is perhaps another attitude, anoth er disposi­ tion, in w h ich I have n o th in g to take, I h ave o n ly to receive. I need to receive an im pression that n o th in g outside can g iv e m e— an im pres­ sion o f bein g, o f m y se lf h a v in g a sense, a m eaning. T h e m o v em en t o f k n o w in g is a m ovem en t o f abandon. It is n ecessary to open one's hands. In m om en ts o f greater attention, I have an aw areness o f “ b ein g here”— a look, a light, a consciousness that kn o w s. C on sciou sn ess is here. I cann ot doubt it. A n d y et I do n o t tru st it, I do n o t feel it as “I,” as m y essential nature. I believe I can lo o k for consciousness, see co n ­ sciousness, k n o w it. W e take consciousness as an object o f observation. But w e can n ot see consciousness. It is consciousness that sees and that know s. I rea lize this i f I experien ce it as co m in g fro m b eh in d m y b o d y or from above. T h e re is no observer, there is a k n o w in g . Yet i f I ex p eri­ ence consciousness as in m y body, it seem s that th e "I” is the b o d y and consciousness an attribute o f the body. I b eg in to feel w h at it m eans to be tru e, that is, the m om en t w h en m y th o u g h t k n o w s its e lf as it is and m y fe e lin g k n o w s its e lf as it is.

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A n o th e r k in d o f th in k in g appears— im m o b ile, w ith o u t w ords, capa­ ble o f c o n ta in in g m y u su a l th o u g h t— and th ere is a feelin g o f m y es­ sence, a fee lin g that is not o f m y fo rm bu t th at can con tain the form . I have then a n e w th in k in g and a n e w fe e lin g th at see the fact, th at see what is. So, the o n ly reality for m e tod ay is in m y effort to be present to m yself. N o th in g else is real. E v e ry th in g is distorted b y the veil o f m y m ind, w h ich prevents m e fro m b ein g in contact w ith the nature o f things. I m ust first g o tow ard m y o w n nature, aw ake to the conscious­ ness o f "I,” and be atten tive o n ly to this. C onsciou sness is alw ays con­ sciousness o f self. W e can call the S e lf w h a teve r w e w ish — the seat o f consciousness, even G o d . T h e point is that it is the center, the v e ry core o f o u r bein g, w ith o u t w h ich there is noth ing. I have to learn to concentrate m y atten tion to w ard this center and stay here. I n eed to understan d this act o f Presence, th is active m o v e­ m ent o f Presence, w h ic h is alw ays th reaten ed b y a passive m ovem en t in the opposite d irection . I am aw are o f a reality that I can n ot possess. It is m yself, w h a t I am in the depth o f m y bein g. Yet I feel that to recog­ n iz e it requ ires so m eth in g o f m e . . . I k n o w n o t w h at. T h is reality b e­ lon gs to a level o f perceptio n I have n ever explored. M y avidity separates m e fro m it and prevents m e fro m u n d erstan d in g m y tru e place. I al­ w a y s w a n t to get or take w h a t is due to m e, w ith o u t feelin g the respect that alone w ill a llo w an u n co n ditio n al openin g. I b eg in to rea lize that w h a t I am try in g to approach is not o n ly m ine, not o n ly in m e, but im m en se and m u ch m ore essential. In front o f this, m y tensions let g o one after the o ther u n til the m om en t I feel, as a g ift o f unity, a co llected P resence. T h is b rin gs w ith it a question— a question o f existence. It is in doubt at each m om en t, n ever certain, never assured, alw ays so u n k n o w a b le that it requires e v e ry th in g o f m e. N o w I exist w ith a sense o f a m ysteriou s force that can n ot be nam ed, w h ich has led m e to th is unity. T o w h a t in flu en ce am I open ­ ing? . . . I w ish to know . I am here. I am n o t closed, im prison ed in one part o f m y bein g. I am consciou s o f b e in g a w h ole.

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18. Conscious o f inner being I exist w ith o u t k n o w in g how . M y existen ce its e lf is a qu estion to w h ich I am obliged to respond, w h eth er or not I so w ish . M y response is in the w a y I exist at the v e ry m om en t, and the kin d o f action in w h ich I am engaged. A t ev ery d egree o f aw areness m y response is strictly cond i­ tioned b y m y state o f bein g. T h e ch allen ge in the qu estion is alw ays new. It is the response that is old, creatin g a separation fro m the qu es­ tion. T h is is becau se in the response the o rd in a ry “I” is in play. W h a t does it m ean to “rem em b er o n e se lf” ? It is not to rem em b er the person I represent— m y body, m y p osition in life, m y obligations. It is to becom e conscious o f m y inn er being. I w is h to be w h o le, unified, one, w h a t I essen tially am . W h e n I feel this w ish , it is as th o u g h m y w h o le orientation changes. In all the parts o f m yself, freely and w ith ­ out m y d oin g an y th in g, a m ovem en t takes place to w a rd a certain Pres­ ence. For this m o v em en t to fo llo w its cou rse I have to o b ey and be w h o lly attuned. Its force depends en tirely on the tra n q u illity o f all m y centers and on the freed o m o f m y attention. I need to feel that this Presence form s itself in me. In loo kin g, I b eg in to see that I have to be in contact w ith all m y centers at the sam e tim e. Som etim es in one part, som etim es in an­ other, the flo w o f en erg y is to o stron g or too w e a k . I f I am to o m u ch in m y head, the m o vem en t does not take place. T o o m u ch in m y feelin g or too m u ch in m y body, it is the sam e. T h ere m u st be a corresp on d in g intensity ev ery w h ere. W h a t is im p ortan t is a conscious attention, o f a kind that I do n o t kn o w . I can feel th is o n ly in quietness, in a tra n ­ q u illity that is g rea ter and greater. T h e P resen ce w h ich is here acts on m e, takes ch arge o f m e. But I m u st w is h it, w ill it. T h is is th e p resence o f “ I.” I learn to p u rify m y p o w e r o f seeing, n o t b y d ism issin g w h a t is undesirable or tu rn in g aw ay and settlin g o n the agreeable. I learn to see e v e ry th in g w ith o u t refu sin g the details. I learn to see clearly. I see that all th in gs have the sam e im portan ce, and I accept failu re as g o o d

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for m e. I b e g in again a th ou san d tim es. E v e ry th in g depends on this seeing. I am not try in g to find o r to do som eth in g. But I feel the w e ig h t o f the im agin atio n o f m yself, the w e ig h t o f this im age that I feel co m ­ p elled to sustain all the tim e in a vio len t battle to preserve its con tin u ­ ity. A n d beh in d it, I am aw are o f em ptiness, a void. . . . I do not k n o w w h o I am . Yet I can n ot k n o w the em ptiness because the place is o ccu ­ pied. W h e n I see this, th e w is h to know arises in m e — not to k n o w a specific th in g, bu t to k n o w w h o is here, w h a t I am at this v e ry m o ­ m ent. T h e place is taken. I feel it in the tensions, in the ideas that cross m y m ind w ith o u t stopping, in the w a ves o f em otion s that respond. I do not try to resist, n or to w ith d ra w or d istract m yself. T h is is the w a y I am . I accept it. A n d in liv in g it, I see it as it is, as i f I see fu rther, th ro u gh it, b e c o m in g m ore and m ore free. I see m y inattention. I realize that m y b ein g depends on this p o w e r o f seeing, and that I am free not to take one part o f m y s e lf for the w h o le, free not to be isolated in one part. I need to d evelop an attention that is pure and sufficiently intense not to be d iverted b y su bjective reactions. I retu rn tirelessly to the root o f m y perception. In this m o v em en t m y atten tion purifies itself and little b y little elim in ates the elem ents fo reign to a d irect perception. O n ly the im pression o f reality rem ains.

19. A n echo o f “I ” A right effort to be present requ ires a force th at is conscious o f the di­ rection it w ish es to take and that has the w ill to act. T h e attention co m ­ in g fro m the d ifferen t centers m ust be here in a righ t prop ortion and rem ain en gaged as a conscious P resence. But it is constan tly threat­ ened b y w h a t d raw s it outside. W e need to b eco m e conscious o f this attraction. T h e re is a w ish to m ove, a desire to create, to act. T h e re is also a w ish to be m oved , to be d raw n , to obey. T h ese tw o forces are con stan tly here, in us. T o co n fro n t th em vo lu n tarily at a g iv en point can p rod u ce a co ncentration o f en erg y that has its o w n independent

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life. It is in the frictio n b e tw e e n these forces that the q u a lity w h ich re­ unites th em can appear. Behind all the vicissitud es o f life, b eh in d all m y cares, so rro w s and joys, there is so m eth in g that is greater, so m eth in g I can feel that gives m e m eaning. I feel I exist in relation to this greatness. It is outside m e, but also in m e. A n d it is in m e that I k n o w it— this life, this vibratio n so fine that I feel its g ran d eu r because I feel its purity. I feel it as an echo, as a feelin g o f “I” in the contact b e tw e e n m y th o u g h t and m y sensation. T h is relation reveals that I am a unity, a w h o le, and that I can exist as a w hole. T h e ech o is w h a t I can k n o w tod ay o f an other n atu re in m yself, co m in g fro m an other w o rld th ro u g h m y h igh er centers. I feel it reso ­ nate in the fo rm o f a fine vibration, to w h ich I try to attu ne all the parts o f m yself. T h is calls for a q u a lity o f attention that w ill a llo w it to go tow ard this vibration and sustain a con tact w ith it. I n eed an e n e rg y o f a v e ry special kind, an intense en erg y that is active en o u g h to rem ain alive in fron t o f m y th ou gh ts and feelings. T h is en erg y does not let itself g o d o w n or be in flu en ced b y an yth in g. M y w ish to b e present to m y se lf includes this activity. M y thou ghts and em otion s are an im ated b y e n erg y o f a different level. In o rder to understand th eir n ature, I n eed to see and k n o w them as facts. T h e y com e fro m an other source, an influ en ce o f inertia that holds m e in its tem po. I m u st place m y s e lf und er a m ore active in flu ­ ence i f I w ish to be free. T h a t is, I h ave to find in m y s e lf an e n e rg y o f attention that is stron g and sensitive en ou gh to hold the m ovem en ts o f inertia under its look. I m ust not lose sight o f them ; I have to live w ith them . T h ese m ovem en ts are here and th ey are a constan t attraction. If I do not see th em as th ey are, I g iv e th em an oth er value. I tru st them and g ive m y se lf to them , d ep rivin g th em and m y s e lf o f all m eaning. T h erefore, in order to k n o w m yself, I m u st agree to enter the field o f search. It is o n ly b y w o rk in g to b e present that m y atten tion w ill develop. W h e n it has a b etter quality, I stru gg le to keep it fro m w e a k en in g , I try to prevent its b ein g taken. I try bu t cann ot, and I try again. I b e g in to understand w h a t this requ ires fro m m e ev en i f I can n ot do it. In the

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stru gg le w h ere I co m e b a ck and then g o again tow ard m anifestation, I see that w h e n m y attention is com pletely taken, it is en tirely lost to me. But i f it does not g o to o far, it can be p u lled back, as b y a m agnet. In that m o v em en t o f m y attention, I learn so m eth in g o f its nature. I w ill have to g o to w ard m an ifestation, and I w ill alw ays lose m y s e lf unless m y attention goes bo th to w ard life and to w ard the inside. W e th in k it is one attention d ivided equally, bu t in fact the parts are not equal, not the sam e. T h ere is a g reat difference that I need to experience. I f I can n ot cen ter m y effort in a certain w ay, I am bo u n d to lose m yself. I m u st see that I can n ot do it becau se I do not have the qu a lity o f atten tion that is required. H ere is m y effort, here is w h a t I have to exercise. T h is is the o n ly th in g that m atters.

20. Tw o currents W h a t w e are in o u r essence— o u r h igh est possibilities— w e do not kn o w . W h a t w e are in o u r person— the im placable co n d itio n in g that defines u s— w e also do not know . W e id en tify w ith o u r person, ig n o ­ rant o f the relation that should exist b e tw e e n it and o u r essence. Yet inn er d evelo p m en t b eg in s w ith the capacity to k n o w m yself, to under­ stand m y en tire self. I have to k n o w that I have a double nature, that there are tw o forces in m e: the d escen d in g force o f m an ifestation and an ascending force retu rn in g to the source. I have to experien ce th em here at the sam e tim e in order to k n o w m y s e lf as a w h ole. T h ere m ust be som e reason w h y I am here, so m eth in g that is needed for a relation b etw e en the tw o . T h is is the m ea n in g o f m y Presence. In each even t in life— w h e th e r fam ily, professional or inn er life— there is a double m o v em en t o f in volu tio n and evolution. T h e action is d irected to w ard an aim , to w ard m an ifestation, but beh in d it is som e­ th in g that has no aim , that does n o t p roject itse lf but returns to the source. T h ese tw o cu rren ts are indispensable to each other. W e k n o w in th e o ry that the tw o cu rren ts exist, but w e are not re­ ally conscious o f them . I do not k n o w en o u g h the ascendin g current. I

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do not have in m yself, at the tim e I w ish , the elem ents that w o u ld al­ lo w m e to feel its life, to feel m y life. T h e o th er cu rren t I do not k n o w either, because I am b lin d ly im m ersed in it. Yet w ith o u t th e visio n o f the tw o currents, the w is h to be present at a g iv e n place and a g iven tim e has no sense. I need a constant visio n o f th em in order to see the point o f application o f the attention and o f the w ill, the w ill n o t to lose m yself. W ith m y attention tod ay I can n ot b e aw are at th e sam e tim e o f tw o m ovem en ts g o in g in opposite directions. I am taken b y one m o v e­ m ent and ign ore or oppose the other. N evertheless, I have to accept that the tw o cu rren ts d eterm ine m y life, and that I h ave tw o natures in m yself. I m ust learn to see the lo w e r n atu re and at the sam e tim e re­ m em ber the higher. T h e stru gg le is in liv in g th e tw o together. I need to have a conscious im pression o f these tw o aspects o f m yself, at first independently o f each other, th en sim ultaneously. O n e n atu re m ust serve the other. But w h a t does it m ean to serve? I m ust find m y real place and accept it. It is I w h o is called to be here. I m ust see that i f I am not present, I serve o n ly m y o rd in a ry s e lf and g o to w ard the d estru c­ tion o f w h a t I tru ly am . So b etw e en these tw o cu rren ts th en there is n oth in g, there is nobody. W h a t is im portan t is that the tw o curren ts be established in me, h a vin g a definite relation that is m ain tained . U ntil n o w the d escend in g curren t alone has b een the m aster o f m y Presence, w ith o u t b e in g con ­ fronted. T h e ascend in g cu rren t has its source in the w ill to be— not “w ill” in the u su al sense but in the sense o f the "w ish to be.” It is neces­ sary above all to d isen gage this w ill, to m ake ro o m for it. I m u st accept b ein g passive, really passive in order th at an active vib ratio n can be perceived by m y feeling. T h e effort I can m ake w ith m y ord in ary m eans, the o n ly effort that is in cu m b en t on m e, is one o f vo lu n tary passivity— a conscious effort.

A M O V E M E N T OF A V A I L A B I L I T Y

21. A new way o f functioning T h e state o f m y b ein g tod ay is cond itioned b y m y w a y o f th in kin g, feel­ in g and sensing, w h ic h takes all m y atten tion and restricts m e to a nar­ r o w part o f m yself. In order for m e to g o beyo n d this, there m ust appear in m e a n e w w a y o f fu n ctio n in g. I have to discover the total ineffectiven ess, th e in sufficiency, o f m y th ou gh ts and feelin gs as a m eans to approach the tru e n atu re o f m yself. T h e autom atic fu n ctio n ­ in g o f m y th o u g h t and fee lin g com es b e tw e e n the w o rld as it is— w h at I really am — and the p erception I have o f it. T h e state in w h ich I live is w ith o u t order, visio n or aim . I am here w ith o u t k n o w in g w h y or w h at I serve. Each o f m y fu n ctio n s responds to im pressions as th ou gh it w ere alone, fro m its point o f v ie w based on w h a t it kn o w s. But the fu n ctions can n ot separately perceive reality, w h ich includes a m u ch h igh er en­ ergy. T h e ir force is too passive. For u n d erstan d in g in the ligh t o f co n ­ sciousness, the fu n ctio n s m ust all be attu n ed and u nited in a single m o vem en t o f availability. If there is any distance b e tw e en them , the co m m o n aim is lost and the b lin d fu n ctio n acts accord ing to its habit. T h u s th e first th in g to u nd erstan d is this availability o f m y th ou gh t, m y b o d y and m y fee lin g to receive together, at the sam e tim e, an im ­ pression that th ey can n ot k n o w in advance. E ve ry th in g th ey k n o w is

46

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not the im m ed iate p erception o f w h a t is here, now , w h e n th ey are quiet. A n d I m ust pass th ro u gh the disappoin tm en t o f seein g that their intervention, in w h ich I alw ays b elieve, o n ly brin gs im ages o f the k n o w n instead o f d irect experience. T h e n perhaps I w ill b e g in to u n ­ derstand w h y this tea ch in g places such im p ortan ce on the fact that our centers w o rk w ith o u t any relation w ith each other. So lo n g as a relation is not m ade, I can n ot g o beyo n d m y h abitual state o f consciousness. C a n this relation be m ade? D o I feel as a fact, in a real w ay, that there is a lack o f relation? D o I feel at this v e ry m om en t m y lack o f in ­ telligence to k n o w m y o w n tru th and the tru th o f w h a t is in fron t o f me? D o I see that I am held b a ck b y w ords, ideas and em otions, fu ll o f doubt, b e lie f and fear? I need to realize b y experience w h a t this discon­ nection o f m y centers m eans. I have a certain sensation o f m yself, and m y th ou gh t is on the sensation. But one or the o th er is alw ays stronger. I am not one, not a unity. T h is accord o f m y centers o f e n erg y and their fu n ctio n in g can n ot be b rou gh t about b y forcing. T h ere m u st be a qu ietin g, a lettin g g o o f their m ovem en t, in order for a balan ce o f e n erg y to appear b e tw e e n them . But so m eth in g is m issing. I feel I am alw ays too passive. So the need for an en ergy appears, an atten tion that w ill stay free and not becom e fixed on a n yth in g. It is an atten tion that w ill con tain ev ery ­ th in g and refuse n o th in g, that w ill not take sides or dem an d an yth in g. It w ill be w ith o u t possessiveness, w ith o u t avidity, but alw ays w ith a sincerity that com es fro m the need to rem ain free in order to know .

22. Awakening to a newforce W e w ish to b ecom e conscious o f the state and m o v em en t o f en erg y in ourselves. T h is can o n ly be done in the present m om en t. I need to be m ore active inside. I practice try in g to be present, to aw ake. But every activ ity that I have not y e t m astered provok es tension. I w ish , and I am not capable. So I tense, and in this w a y create an obstacle to re alizin g m y aim . I com e up against this obstacle again and again u n til I becom e convinced o f the falseness o f m y con ception o f effo rt— that is, as a

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m o v em en t to w a rd a result. T h e n I feel relieved, a lettin g g o that is a clear sign o f m y o w n Presence. T h e practice o f o bservation is not easy to understand. U su ally I w ish to see and k n o w m y s e lf as an object. I am separated fro m w h a t I am o bservin g. I try to k n o w it w ith m y d ifferent centers. I see m y se lf try in g to use one fu n ctio n , then another. I have an aw areness o f their efforts, each one separate, and their agitation. A n d th en I see that all these efforts are fruitless. I am try in g to kn o w , to see, w ith a passive energy, w ith a q u a lity o f atten tion that is not m ore active th an w h a t is p erceived. It provides in sufficien t p o w e r to know . I am try in g to k n o w one center w ith an other center, b o th o f the sam e quality. T h is inevita­ bly brings conflict. So I can n ot observe. I see noth ing. I have an im p res­ sion o f dispersion and disorder. But w h ere, then, does k n o w led g e co m e from ? H o w can I see m y­ self? I do not know . . . . A n d since I do not kn o w , I b ecom e still. T h ere is a m o v em en t o f availability, an a w a k en in g o f a n e w force in me. It appears o n ly w h e n I see that all the o th er im pulses are useless and do not relate m e w ith real fact, w ith w h a t I am . I w a n t to becom e con ­ scious o f the reality o f life. T h e re is in m e so m eth in g m ysteriou s that n o th in g is able to grasp, so m eth in g th at no th o u g h t or feelin g can help m e know . It appears o n ly w h e n I am n o t cau gh t in the w e b o f m y th ou gh ts and em otions. It is the u n k n o w n , w h ich can n ot be grasped w ith w h a t I know . In order to co m e to the total stillness in w h ich I w ill be free to know , I m u st abandon b o th the pretension that I am able and m y b e lie f in w h a t I kn o w . I m u st see m y s e lf b lin d ly believin g , again and again, in w h a t m y th in k in g o r m y em o tio n tells m e. I need to see m y s e lf alw ays fooled u ntil I feel the uselessness o f it all, u n til I feel h o w p o or I really am . T h e n a ca lm appears and perhaps I learn so m eth in g new. In any case, it is lik e a d oor openin g. A ll I can do is leave it open. W h a t w ill fo llo w I can n ot foresee. T h e q u a lity o f in flu en ce that reaches m e depends on the q u ality o f m y P resence. A n d the q u a lity o f m y Presen ce depends on the relation o f m y th ou gh t, m y feelin g and m y sensation. In order to be attu ned to

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a m ore subtle force, the attention o f each part needs to concentrate, to becom e charged w ith a n e w m ea n in g and p o w e r to relate voluntarily. In this w a y the th in k in g p urifies itself, as do th e fee lin g and the sensa­ tion. E ach plays its o w n role and fu n ctio n s in co n cert w ith the others for the sam e go a l o f b ein g attu n ed w ith a m o re subtle P resence. T h is Presence needs to shine, to anim ate m y body. It has an intelligen ce, a vision that is lik e a lig h t in the darkness and th ickn ess o f m y sleep. A s I am today, d irected b y m y ego, I can n ot k n o w the v e r y essence o f m y Being. I am not prepared for this. A greater abandon, a greater m agn etization tow ard m y real "I,” to w ard m y “ d iv in e” nature, m ust take place. I feel the need for it, and I a w aken to this w ish , this life. I feel this intelligence aw aken.

23. The attitude we take T h e attitude w e take, o u r inn er and o uter postu re, is at the sam e tim e ou r aim and o u r way. A t any m om en t w e each have a p a rticu lar postu re, an attitude w e cann ot avoid. T h e p o stu res assum ed by the b o d y are alw ays the sam e and p rovoke co rresp o n d in g postu res or attitudes in the m ind and the feelin g that are also the sam e. I am enclosed in a subjective w orld o f habitual attitudes. But I do n o t see this. I am not even aw are o f w h ich parts are tense or relaxed. T h e b o d y has its repertoire o f p ostu res that im prison m e. I have to find a position, inn er and outer, that w ill free m e from m y attitudes and a llo w m e to em erge fro m sleep, to open to another dim en sion, another w orld. In the w o rk in the quiet, the position o f the b o d y is v e ry im portant. It m ust be precise in order to a llo w a field o f en ergy to be established. A t the sam e tim e, I m ust feel an ease, a w ell-being, a kin d o f stability that allow s m y m ind to com e to a stat;e o f total availability, to em p ty itself in a natural way, to let go o f the agitation o f thoughts. W ith a right posture m y centers com e together and can be related. T h is requires close and continual cooperation b etw e en m y th ought, m y feelin g and m y body. A s soon as th ey separate, the postu re is no lon ger held.

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W e are seek in g stability. W h a t is alw ays essential is the position o f the spine, w h ich should b e at the sam e tim e free and straight. W h e n it is not straight, th ere can n ot be a right relation b e tw e en sensation and th ou ght, o r th o u g h t and feelin g. Each p art rem ains isolated w ith o u t a real co n n ectio n w ith the others. But i f th e spine is straight, w e feel that the en erg y contain ed in the b o d y has an action on the body. Its density changes. T h ere is no lon ger a fo rm and a P resence— th ey are one and the same. M y postu re w ill be m ore stable i f I am seated on the floor, on a cu shion so that the knees are lo w er than the hips. O n e foot is placed, if possible, on the th ig h or c a lf o f the other leg. C rossin g the legs checks the active im pulse and allow s the deepest level o f quietude. T h e hands rest in the lap, the favored hand supportin g the other, w ith palm s up and thum bs tou ching. I sit absolutely straight, w ith the ears and shoul­ ders in a vertical line. T h e eyes are slightly open or m ay be closed. If unable to sit on the floor, I can use a stool or ch air provided I sit straight, w ith the knees lo w er th an the hips. M ain tain in g the spine vertical frees pressure so that the upper p art o f the b o d y feels no w eight. W h e n b eg in n in g the w o rk in the quiet, I try to find the exact posi­ tion for the pelvis that does not d ra w m y b o d y either fo rw ard or back­ w ard. I f m y spine is vertical, lik e an axis, th is also m aintains m y head in a right position. T h e n a lettin g g o com es b y itself. A s tensions fall away, I feel a m o vem en t o f en ergy tow ard the abdom en and, at the sam e tim e, a m o vem en t to w ard the higher. T h e rigor in m y attitude com es exclu­ sively fro m one im perative necessity— n o t to im pede at any p oint the m ovem en t to w ard u n ity that is requ ired for o p en in g to the h igh er cen­ ters. T h is attitude is not easy to com e to. It is not to be taken once and for all, but has to be ren ew ed fro m m om en t to m om ent. T h is calls for an in telligence that m ust alw ays rem ain present. W ith o u t a volun tary attention, m y spine w ill not m ain tain its position and the w h o le m ean­ in g o f this attitude in fron t o f life w ill b e lost. I need to see that, as soon as the effort stops, m y attitude can be an im m ed iate hindrance to con ­ sciousness. A n d the effort lasts o n ly for a flash.

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24. Coming together A tten tion is the consciou s force, the force o f consciousness. It is a di­ vin e force. T h e search is for contact w ith an e n erg y co m in g fro m the h igh er parts o f o u r centers. A t tim es w e have an in tu itio n o f it that is less stron g or m ore strong. T h is in tu itio n is the action on us o f h igh er centers from w h ich w e are separated b y o u r attach m en t to o u r fu n c­ tions. W h e n this action is felt, it affects the b o d y w h ich then receives m ore subtle and alive sensations. It affects the th ou g h t, w h ic h becom es capable o f h o ld in g under its lo o k w h a t is im m ed ia tely present. It affects the em otions, g iv in g rise to a n e w feeling. But this action, co m in g fro m the h igh er centers, is not to be sou gh t from outside or b ro u g h t about forcibly b y som e fu n ctio n o f the low er centers. In order for this action to be felt b y m y body, m in d and feelin g, there m ust be a certain state o f availability. H ere is the obstacle, the barrier. T h e q u a lity o f en erg y o f the lo w er centers m ust correspond to the vibrations o f the h igh er centers. O th erw ise, the relation is not m ade and the lo w er centers do n o t express the action o f the h igh er on the level o f life. T h e y do n o t serve as interm ediaries, th ey are not called to serve. A s a result, th ey do not h ave any conscious activ ity and do not feel any need to be purified. W h y does this relation w ith the higher centers not appear? Is it so difficult? T h e reason is that b etw e en the low er centers there is n o rela­ tion, no com m on aim , no co m m o n interest. T h e y do not feel any need for co m in g together. T h is is because w e do not see, and w e do not experi­ ence, their isolation and w h at it m eans. N evertheless, in order for trans­ form ation to take place, there m ust be a total attention, that is, an attention co m in g from all the parts o f me. In order for a certain blending to occur, m y th in kin g, m y feelin g and m y sensation m ust be together. A t the b eg in n in g, in the A bsolute, there are th ree forces that com e togeth er to k n o w each o th er and fo rm a w h o le. T h e y rem ain u n ited and never separate. It is in this co m in g tog eth er that so m eth in g n e w can appear. From the A bsolute, h o w ever, th ere is a p rojectio n that,

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w ith o u t u n ity, creates m ech an ical m ovem en ts and division. In m an e v e ry th in g is separate, isolated. W e exist as a m achine. N evertheless, w e h ave the possib ility to exist u n ified as a Presence. W h e n a relative u n ity can b e felt, it is possible to say “I— I am .” T o m ain tain this unity, there m ust be a sustained m ovem en t, and it is this m ovem en t that I lose all the tim e. T h e law s g o v e rn in g the u n iverse are here and act in us. T h e aim is that all the forces, w h ich are w ith in ourselves, tu rn tow ard a center and again form a w h o le. It is this m o v em en t in an ascendin g direction that w e m ust learn. But e v e ry th in g that is b e lo w holds us back. It m ust all be purified. In this co m in g together, the en erg y acquires a different quality. T h e aim o f th is reu n itin g is the p o w e r to be.

Ill

IN A C O M M O N DIRECTION

Am I convinced o f the uselessness o f everything I believe I know ? Truth cannot be thought. Not knowing, discarding everything, is the highest form o f thinking. Sensation is an instrum ent o f knowledge, o f contact w ith myself. I need to feel the presence o f the spiritual in me. The spirit penetrates m atter and transforms it. I need this act itself, to be spiritualized. Relation is contact, a direct contact on the same level w ith the same intensity. Feeling is the essential instrum ent o f knowing.

A FREE T H O U G H T

25. The functioning o f the mind W h a t does it m ean to be present, to b e here now ? I have the sensation that I am present. I th in k it, I feel it. T h e th ree centers are present w ith the sam e force, w ith an inten sity that com es fro m the sam e d egree o f activity. I feel an e n erg y th at circu lates m ore freely b e tw e e n them , w h ich is not held m ore in one place than another. T h is e n erg y is n o u r­ ished vo lu n tarily b y the th ree parts. T h e re is a co m m o n d irection, b rin g in g the po ssibility o f a consciou s action in w h ich the im pulse com es fro m the th ree centers at the sam e tim e. I w is h to know w ith all the parts o f m yself. In order to be present, I m ust understand the w o rk in g o f m y th in k ­ ing m ind, that its fu n ctio n is to situate and explain, but not to ex p eri­ ence. T h o u g h t is m ade up o f accu m ulated k n o w led g e in the form o f im ages and associations, and it seizes an experience o n ly to m ake it fit into categories o f the k n o w n . A lth o u g h it can en tertain the n e w w h en it is quiet, the th in k in g im m ed ia tely tran sform s it into so m eth in g old, w ith an im age that has already b een th e o bject o f an experience. T h e im age aw akens an im m ed iate reaction. T h is alw ays repeats, so that there is never a n y th in g new. C an I say tod ay that I k n o w w h a t I am? D o es the attitud e o f m y m ind a llo w m e to tru ly co n fro n t this question? T h is is m ore im p ortan t

55

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th an I th in k. A m I co n vin ced o f m y ign oran ce and o f the uselessness o f e v e ry th in g I b elieve I know ? I m ay say so, bu t do not really feel it. I valu e m y k n o w led ge , and I alw ays w a n t to b rin g an an sw er or reach a conclusion. I am cond itioned b y this. E ve ry th in g I k n o w lim its m y p er­ cep tion and conditions m y m ind. A ll that I k n o w is a m ass o f m em ories that im pel m e to accu m ulate, rep eatin g the sam e kind o f experiences. I need to see that m y m ind is alw ays m oved b y the dem ands o f m y o rd in a ry “ I,” b y its associations and reactions. T h is corrupts it. A th o u g h t that is m o v ed b y associations is n o t free. T h e pathw ays it trav­ els are strew n w ith obstacles in the fo rm o f im ages, fixed ideas and experiences. T h e y im m o b iliz e it or ch an ge its course w h ile all the tim e g iv in g an im pression o f continuity. Yet co n tin u ity resides, not in the m aterial that occu pies the th o u g h t bu t in the en e rg y itself. B elievin g in the m aterial holds the en erg y im prison ed in the circle o f thoughts. T h e e n erg y loses all its m o b ility and acuity, and becom es m ore and m ore feeble; the th o u g h t b ecom es p e tty and narrow -m inded. W e notice this in the constan t tensions in the head, face and neck. A m in d that is subject to the o rd in a ry "I” can n ot be still. But tran ­ qu illity, a qu iet m ind, w ill n o t co m e b y tu rn in g aw ay or stru gg lin g against the condition. T h is w ill n o t lead to liberation. F reeing m y se lf from this co n d itio n in g can com e o n ly b y seein g it, w ith o u t ign o rin g or d en y in g it, th ereb y crea tin g a n e w cond itionin g. I need to see and to understan d the fu n ctio n in g o f the m ind. T h e m in d is the source and center o f m y o rd in a ry “ I,” the ego. T h is “ I” seeks security. It is afraid and identifies in order to find security. T h is is a p erp etu al battle. M y u su al consciousness consists en tirely in ju d g in g — in accep ting or re­ fusing. T h is is not real consciousness. Indeed, in this state, w ith o u t a quiet m ind, n o th in g real can be revealed to me.

26. N o t knowing T o see m y s e lf as I am w o u ld be to p erceive w h a t is real, a d irect p ercep­ tion that is possible o n ly in a state free o f all cond itionin g. I believe that I search. But I do not see that m y v e ry search is p aralyzed b y w h a t m o ­

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tivates it. I am seekin g a w a y n o t to be co n fin ed b y the co n d itio n in g o f m y th ought, o f m y m em ory, o f w h a t I believe I know . I seek to g o b e ­ yon d it. I try: I m ake efforts to w o rk , to be present. But in th is I am taken— I am taken all along, d u rin g the en tire course o f m y effort. T h e first th ou gh t that im pedes m e is that "I w o rk .” I do not see w h o is w o rkin g , I do not see that the m ind is an obstacle. I put a w o rd or idea on w h a t I am seeking, and so I project an im ag e and set out fro m a feel­ in g o f lack to g o to w ard the objective. I believe it is n ecessary to k n o w w h at I am lo o k in g for. T h e representation b ecom es m ore im portan t than the search for the truth. M y relation w ith m y th in k in g m in d m u st change. I have to see its cond itionin g and lose all illusion o f its capacity to perceive d irectly w h a t is b eyon d its fu n ctio n in g. T ru th sim ply can n ot be th ou gh t. It can ­ not be looked for b y the th in k in g alone, or b y the w ish to acquire or to becom e. T ru th does not b eco m e— it is. I need to see that m y th o u g h t is held back by the stubbornness o f an idea or the attach m en t to a form . In the v e ry m om en t I see this, the m in d is freed fro m the idea or form , and a n e w perception can take place. T o have a d irect p ercep tion w o u ld m ean to discover so m eth in g en tirely new, so m eth in g u n k n o w n that m y m ind can never bring. W h y is it that m y m in d n e ver discovers a n y th in g new? I am a pris­ oner o f all the im pressions deposited in m e. I am cond itioned b y the reservoir o f m y m em ory, the result en graved in m e o f the influences that have tou ch ed m e. It is all that I have to an sw er w ith in life. Little b y little, I u n con sciously accept th is state o f con d ition in g, and the energ y o f m y m in d deteriorates. M y m in d is sapped in its v ita lity and strength. It sim ply accu m ulates m ore and m ore inform ation . I can dis­ cipline m y m ind, polish m y kn o w led ge. It can ev en b eco m e brilliant. But I rem ain in the realm o f the k n o w n . H o w cou ld I g o beyo n d this w a y o f th in k in g so that so m eth in g n e w cou ld appear? I need to be free en ou gh to discard e v e ry th in g and to question w ith o u t ex p ectin g an answ er. I understan d that n o t k n o w in g , discard­ ing e v ery th in g , is the h igh est form o f th in k in g , and that i f an an sw er com es, it w ill be false. I have to stay w ith o u t a n sw erin g and learn to

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see, to see w ith o u t ju d g in g , w ith o u t a th ou gh t, w ith o u t a w ord. T o see is an extra o rd in a ry act w h ich requ ires an attention that is u n k n o w n to m e. T h is is the factor that liberates, that brings a n e w th ou gh t, a n e w m ind. A tten tion is the essential e n erg y in m an. A n d this en erg y can o n ly appear w h en one is con stan tly occu pied in seeing, in listening, in q u estio n in g— n ever in k n o w in g w ith m y th in k in g m ind. W e m ust g iv e o u r com plete atten tion to the qu estion in fro n t o f us. T h e atten­ tio n w ill n o t b e total i f w e seek an answ er. T o ta l a ttention is the process o f m editation. B y vig ila n ce and m editation, the n atu re o f th o u g h t m ay be re­ vealed to m e, th e w a y it acts. I f I r e co g n iz e w ith all o f m y s e lf that "I do not know ," I am no lon ger r ely in g on m y m em o ry to find an answer. A t this m om en t, and o n ly at this m om en t, I b eco m e free o f m y condition­ ing, the prison o f m y m em ory, and can h ave a d irect perception o f w h a t is b eyo n d it. I see the role o f the th o u g h t as a factor for rem em b er­ ing, o n ly a factor for rem em b erin g.

27. A new thinking O u r th ou gh ts and em otion s constitu te a subjective w orld, a w orld that enslaves us. L ik e cow ard s, w e accept b ein g d om inated by the currents o f lo w q u a lity in w h ich w e bathe. A n d it w ill be lik e th is so lon g as w e do not feel n ostalgia for another current. I tak e m y th in k in g , m y th ou gh t, as b e in g “ I” in the sam e w a y I take m y b o d y as "I." I am alw ays ready to b e the victim o f m y thoughts because I have n ever disassociated m y s e lf fro m them . I have still not realize d w h a t an en orm ou s obstacle th ey are to the consciousness I seek. I m ust understan d that I am not m y th in k in g and that I do not h ave to w e lco m e w h a tev er th o u g h t arises in m e and exp ect so m eth in g fro m it. I have to see th at the th o u g h t “I” is the greatest obstacle to con ­ sciousness o f m yself. E v e ry th in g I k n o w th ro u g h m y senses has a nam e. I am en cu m b ered b y nam es, w h ich b eco m e m ore im p ortan t th an the th in gs them selves. I nam e m y s e lf “I,” and in d oin g it as i f I

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k n e w m yself, I am accep tin g a th o u g h t that keeps m e in ign orance. I f I learn to separate m y s e lf fro m nam es, fro m th ou ghts, little b y little I w ill com e to k n o w the n atu re o f the m in d and lift the ve il it casts o ver me. I w ill see b o th w h a t it m eans to b e enslaved b y the th in k in g and the possibility o f b ein g free fro m this tyrant. A t the sam e tim e, m y m in d m ust n o t tu rn away, becau se w ish in g to tu rn aw ay creates fear; not facin g the fact creates fear. M y m ind needs to see itself, to see its fu n ctio n in g and not be taken b y w ords. T h is requires an ex tra o rd in a ry precision o f th ou gh t, an atten tion that does not deviate. W h e n the w o rd s h ave disappeared, w h a t rem ains? O n e com es to the d oor o f perception. T h e m in d understands that it is alone. T h e n it approaches the m ean in g, th e im p ortan ce o f a w o rd — w h eth er a w o rd creates feeling. In seein g the w o rd as a fact, the m ind w ill be free o f its influence. I need to see that m y th ou g h t is alm ost n ever d irected on k n o w in g m y se lf as I am in this m o m e n t . . . and again in this m om en t. It is d if­ ficult for the th o u g h t to rem ain on what is, becau se it is based on m em ­ o ry and is con stan tly v is u a lizin g the possib ility o f becoming. H o w to resist the desire to become in favor o f sim ply what is? It is d ifficu lt for m y th ou gh t to stay in fro n t o f the u n k n o w n . T h is m eans aban d on in g b e ­ lie f in ev e ry th in g it kn o w s, even the trace o f the p reced in g m om en t. To stay in front o f the u n k n o w n , m y m ind m ust be profoundly si­ lent. T h is is a silence that is not obtained b y suppressing or b y sacrifice. I do not m ake the silence. It appears, w h en the m ind sees that b y itself alone, it cannot be in contact w ith som ething it cannot m easure, som e­ th in g higher. T h en the m ind no longer seeks, it does not try to becom e. I need to see that th ere is n ever any stillness and that all th is th in k ­ in g o f the k n o w n prevents m e from h a vin g an experien ce o f reality. T h en stillness and silence take on m ea n in g for m e. T h e re is th e possi­ b ility o f a quiet m ind. I no lon ger seek the k n o w n . I no lon ger seek se­ cu rity or to becom e. I feel m y s e lf freer, m ore open. T h e th ou gh t becom es free, m om en t after m om en t, and there is then an understan d­ in g o f tru th at each m om ent. T h is is the o n ly w a y to know . T ru e th in k ­ in g has n o conclusion. It alw ays beg in s anew.

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28. Beyond our usual consciousness W e seek so m eth in g that is beyo n d the w o rld o f o u r usual conscious­ ness, o u r usual th ou gh ts and feelings. W e th in k o f truth, o f reality, as i f it w e re fixed, a p o in t th at w e should find a w a y to approach. But real­ ity is not fixed. It is alive. It can n ot be m easu red b y an y th in g w e know . It can be approached o n ly b y a th o u g h t that is en tirely free— free o f ev e ry th in g , e v e ry expectatio n , e v e ry fear— a th o u g h t w ith o u t m o v e­ m ent, co m p letely silent, a th o u g h t that k n o w s o n ly itself. T h e th ou gh t th at k n o w s o n ly itse lf lives in the present m om en t. In this m om ent, here, now, it has n o th in g to expect, n o th in g to lose. It is "consciousness o f b e in g ”— not b ein g lik e this o r lik e that— o n ly o f being. It is. H ere w e d isco ver the sou rce o f th in k in g . W e see that the division b e tw e en the o bserver and the observed is at the o rig in o f o u r thought. T h e o bserver is g ro u n d ed in m em ory, that w h ich k n o w s fro m past experience. It looks, th in k s and acts fro m m em ory. T h is separation into o bserver and o b served does not to u ch reality, it consolidates the ego. But w h en the o bserver is the o b served — w h en the th in k in g is the exp erien ce— then there is no m ore th ou ght. T h e re is a state o f tran ­ q u illity in w h ic h an im pression can b e received as new, as w ith little children. T h e eyes clearly receive the im age from outside, but there is no o bserver p erceivin g, no m ental processing. In order to experien ce this u n ified state w ith o u t an observer, it is necessary to pass th ro u g h m y u su al state and to see that it is not en ou gh . So lo n g as m y th o u g h t tracks w h a t I am d oin g and experienc­ ing, ju d g in g it in one w a y or another, I rem ain in the realm o f m y lim ­ ited consciousness. I rem ain u nd er the in flu en ce o f m y o rd in a ry “I.” W h a t is im p ortan t is to see this d ivisio n b e tw e e n o bserver and o b ­ served, to see the th o u g h t creatin g the separation. It is in seeing this that I b eco m e free o f its a u th o rity and open to anoth er reality. W h o am I? T h e question eludes m e becau se I am separate fro m it. It is in front o f m e, but outside. So lo n g as it is separate and I am not com pletely u n ited w ith it, the qu estion rem ains beyo n d understand­ ing. To see the im possibility o f u n d erstan d in g brings a suffering. W h en

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this su fferin g is real, there is no m ore separation and the th in k in g su b­ sides. O n ly silence rem ains. Yet the m om en t o f b e in g present is short. A s so o n as I co m e b a ck to m yself, the im pression m akes m e th in k, and in th in k in g I b eco m e sep­ arate again. I g o aw ay fro m m y s e lf and n o lon ger live in the present. T h en , i f I see it, the im pression o f b ein g lost brings m e b a ck to m yself. T h is co m in g b a ck and g o in g aw ay is a n o rm al m o v em e n t th at I n eed to accept. T h e feelin g o f liv in g , o f existin g, depends on it. M y th ou gh ts never stop. W h e n one has passed, an oth er is here, fo llo w ed b y another. I am attached to all o f them . But i f for a m om en t a space appears in the th in kin g , then there is n o th in g for m e to b e attached to. I am free. In the silence, the m in d can b e conscious o f each m o v em en t o f th e th in k ­ ing. T h is perception is free fro m reaction, and the en erg y that results is not m ech anical, not the prod u ct o f th ou gh t. It is the en erg y that spiritual seekers have b een lo o k in g for th ro u g h o u t th e ages.

AN INNER SENSATION

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29. A n instrument o f contact

I w ish to exp erien ce the fact that I exist, n o t m erely as a body, an ani­ m al, or as a m achin e, bu t as a h u m an bein g. M y th ou gh ts and feelings are on the level o f an anim al. W h e n I do tu rn m y attention tow ard m yself, I find I am n ever aw are, n ever aw ake. I do not k n o w that I exist or h o w I exist. I ju s t fo rget about it. A ll m y life passes w ith o u t m y ex­ p erien cin g the m ost im p ortan t thing. By a ttem p tin g to tu rn m y attention to w ard m yself, I see that it is d ifficu lt, and in fact I alm o st n ever ev en try. M y attention alw ays goes to so m eth in g that is n o t me. E v e ry th in g is im p ortan t except me. I can th in k about the w o rld bu t not about me, about w h o I am . So the first step is to th in k “I exist,” the fact o f existing. W ith o u t th is th ough t, I w ill n ever rem em b er m y existence. Yet th is th o u g h t alone is insuffi­ cient, it is not an experience. O n ly m y th o u g h t is present. In order to rem em b er m y existin g, I also h ave to w ish . But I have no w ish , I do not care. I h ave n o interest in the fact that I exist. If I really see this, it is a shock. I b e g in to understan d that m y fee lin g does not o b ey m e. I have absolutely no p o w e r o ver it. I take m y ex istin g for granted , bu t I do not know it. I do not k n o w w h a t it m eans to exist as a h u m an bein g. Yet unless I rea lize that I exist, I w ill n ever k n o w w hy, and I w ill never k n o w how , I exist. I have to

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experience it, to k n o w it— m y ex istin g has to be a conscious existence or it has no sense. W h a t d oes it m ean to know, to experience? I have to see that m y th in k in g is not en ou g h , th at I w ill n e ve r exp erien ce so m eth in g b y th in k in g about it. I h ave to b rin g m o re in to m y P res­ ence. But how? I need to see that w h a t is la ck in g is a co n n ectio n w ith m y body. W ith o u t a co n n ection I am cau gh t in th ou gh ts or ch a n g in g em otions that g iv e w a y to fantasy. A n d m y b o d y is either m y m aster, a tyran t d em an din g satisfaction o f its appetites, or m y enem y, o bliged to p ay for all m y th ou gh ts and feelings. Yet m y b o d y cou ld b e the greatest sup­ p o rt for exp erien cin g m y existence. It is on the level o f the ea rth and draw s its stren gth from it. T h e action o f o u r life is on this level, this sphere, not so m ew h ere up in the air. I have to feel the b o d y on the earth, the gro u n d . I do this b y sensation— sensin g its w e ig h t, its mass, and, m ore im portan t, sensing that there is a force inside, an energy. T h ro u g h sensation I need to feel a co n n ection w ith m y b o d y so deep it becom es lik e a co m m u n io n . W e w ill see later that there are sensations and sensations. But for n o w I need to reco g n ize that sensation is an in stru m en t o f kn o w led ge, an in stru m en t o f contact w ith m yself. I f I w ish to k n o w that I exist, I have to feel the force and en e rg y in m e b y contact. If, for exam ple, I w ish to k n o w the q u a lity o f m y th in k in g , I h ave to co m e into tou ch w ith it th ro u gh a certain sensation. It is the sam e w ith the en erg y o f the b o d y and the en erg y o f the feeling. I need to have a sensation, not m erely o f the flesh, o f tensions, but an in n er sensation o f the energy, a sensation that m y b o d y is alive. It is d ifficu lt to have a vo lu n ta ry sensation. In life n o th in g brings an inner sensation excep t a rare b lo w lik e g reat so rro w o r danger. If n o th in g forces m e, I h ave no sensation o f m y existence. W h e n th ere is no pain in it, I forget I have a stom ach. But in order to k n o w the state o f energies in m yself, I have to have a sensation that is volun tary. A conscious m an w o u ld have a perm an en t sensation o f h im s e lf and al­ w ays k n o w h o w he w as inside. So o u r first aim is to develop an inn er sensation.

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jo. Obeying the attraction o f the earth T h e b o d y o beys the attraction o f the earth, from w h ich it draw s its energy. T h e subtle force, a fin er en erg y in m e, obeys anoth er attrac­ tion. W h e n the b o d y con form s to the attractio n o f the earth, the subtle force is freer, as i f the tw o m ovem en ts com plem en t each other. T h is is w h a t allo w s m an to hold h im s e lf upright. A lw a y s and in all circu m ­ stances, I m ust accept this law fro m w h ich m y equ ilib riu m com es, and let these forces act freely in m e. W h e n I o b ey the e a rth ’s attraction in a conscious w ay, the subtle force is liberated and m y o rd in a ry "I,” m y ego, finds its place, its purpose. T h e poles are related. I o bey th is law and find m y place in a w o rld o f forces that has m ade m e w h at I am . But th in k in g it does not help. I m ust live it. Tension and relaxation have g reat im p ortan ce for the w a y in w h ich w e m an ifest and relate to the w o rld around us. W e tense tow ard life in order to take, to oppose, to m aster. A ll o u r affirm ation is in tensions. But these tensions separate us fro m a subtle energy, a m ore essential reality. W e are im prison ed b y tensions, and o u r possibilities are not developed. O u r attention can n ever have an action i f there is a tense resistance in the body. It is retained on the surface, unable to penetrate d eeper levels in ourselves. I have access to m y s e lf o n ly th ro u g h sensation. But there are dif­ ferent kinds o f sensation. T h e one w e u su a lly k n o w com es from u n ­ controlled tension, h o w e v e r slight, w h ich appears w h e n m y th ou gh t is d irected on one p art o f m y body. It is a sensation that is static, fixed on a p articu lar part; it can be studied o n ly i f w e stop m ovin g. T h is sensa­ tion aw aken s an e n erg y that is superficial. T h ere is a depth that is not attained. In order fo r m e to receive a d eeper sensation, a sensation o f reality, there m u st be a lettin g g o in w h ich I am en tirely free and avail­ able. Instead o f se ek in g sensation, I need to op en and receive the im ­ pression o f a fin er vibration. For this a n e w fee lin g needs to appear that allo w s the vibratio n to spread. T h is is w h y G u rd jieff had us say, "Lord, h ave m ercy,” w h ic h opens us to a fee lin g o f o u r n oth ingness and aw ak­ ens a d eeper energy.

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T h e q u ality o f m y sensation depends on the state o f m y body. In b ein g attentive to m y u su al state, I d iscover th at rela x in g and tensing are a constant action. Either there is an exagg erated tension w h ere I affirm m y s e lf w ith vio len ce, w ith pride, or there is a lettin g g o w h ere I g ive up out o f w eakn ess. W h e n I see th at th is action is d irected b y m y ego, I b eg in to feel the need to dissolve its hard co a tin g so that life can spread in m e. T h e n I m ay experien ce a descen d in g m ovem en t, a lettin g go o f the force held in m y tensions. O n ce in m ovem en t, th is force b y itself subm its to the attraction o f the ea rth and obeys. A t the sam e tim e, I feel an ascend in g force appear that allo w s all the centers to be integrated in a w h o le Presence. T h e possib ility o f receivin g a m ore subtle vib ratio n arises o n ly at the m om en t w h en I k n o w m y incapacity and m y refusal. Because I k n o w it, there is an o p en in g to vibrations o f a d ifferen t density, as if passing a threshold. B y an action that com es fro m an im m ed iate u n ­ derstanding o f b ein g insufficient, the b o d y as a w h o le lets g o in order to b e attuned to this Presence. I b e g in to see that there are infin ite d e­ grees o f sensation w h ich represent an u n k n o w n w orld. I need stillness and g rea t sensitivity to have a sensation o f a P res­ ence in m y body. T h is sensation com es n o t fro m tension but fro m a contact that is revealed to m e. M y b o d y is centered, not ten sin g in any direction. It does not tend u pw ard ; this is n o t its nature. It does n o t p u ll m e. I do not pu ll it. T h e re is n o tension. I feel free. M y to ta lity is no lon ger threatened. I see th at sensation is lik e an act o f obed ien ce to this Presence. T h e need to open is w h a t w e call prayer.

31, A global sensation It w ill be a lon g tim e before I understand the significance o f m y ten ­ sions. But I can see that th ey are here and that the en erg y in m e is not free. T h o u gh ts are tensions, em otions also. T h e en erg y is stopped b y vibrations o f inertia, w h ich keep m e in the lo w er parts o f m y being. I am held by m y tensions, as th o u g h attached, en gaged in satisfyin g the specific needs o f on e part w ith o u t ta k in g accoun t o f the w h o le. M y

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e n erg y is not free to pursue the u n o b stru cted m ovem en t that is the life o f a w h o le. I need, above all, to experien ce an e n erg y that is liberated. U su ally I experien ce the e n erg y in m y s e lf in a degraded form that is n o t contained. N evertheless, I can perhaps k n o w it in a form that is m ore pure, m ore still, and thus experience w h a t I am. For this I m ust agree to h ave n o tension. I m u st b e able to rem ain w ith o u t ju d g in g , w ith o u t ex p e c tin g an yth in g, w ith o u t hoping, en tirely in the aw are­ ness o f what is. I w ill th en perhaps com e to the perception o f a liv in g Presence in m e, a g lo b al sensation o f the life o f the w h ole. M y vision em braces m y entire body, it sees the m ovem en ts o f the w h ole. A l­ th o u g h I can in ten tio n ally put the accent on on e part, on an arm or leg or the head, I m ust not lose the sense o f the w hole. A s soon as I am stopped b y th e idea o f a part, m y sensation is distorted and m y vision loses its m eaning. S e ek in g a b alan ce b e tw e e n tension and relaxation opens m e to the stru gg le w ith the o rd in a ry “I.” W h e n I am relaxed and have a sensa­ tion o f all o f m yself, I am not separated fro m m y inn er being. I am one. In m y tru e b ein g, alread y I am, and I am free. I can live this as lon g as I keep a right attitude, a righ t in n er postu re, a balance o f tension and relaxation. I feel centered, w ith a glo b al sensation o f m yself. A n d y e t I see the ten d en cy again to b ecom e partial, to retu rn tow ard tensions that are alw ays the sam e and that p reserve m y o rd in a ry “I.” I feel the need for a lettin g g o that liberates m e fro m them . T h is is the stru gg le to be w h a t I am , a stru gg le b etw e en the subjec­ tive “I” incarnate in m y tensions and the u n k n o w n life in m e. Either I am im prison ed b y m y o rd in a ry sense o f “ I,” w h ich prevents any con­ tact w ith m y real self, or I have a no stalgia for the "d iv in e ” that I feel at the ro o t o f m y bein g, w h ich sh ow s m e w h a t I m ust serve. M y entire life is shaped b y this stru ggle, and I m u st und erstan d it i f I w ish this life to be conscious. M y tensions fo rm the w e b o f m y life. T h e y are alw ays here, m y m in d d ra w n to w a rd an a im and m y b o d y tensed tow ard w h a t the m ind im poses u p o n m e. E ven w h e n I h ave no pressing aim , there are tensions cry sta lliz e d in m e. A n d in each tension, the w h o le o f m e is en gaged.

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In seekin g to open to a sensation o f m yself, I see that I am still filled w ith tensions. T h e o n ly sensation I have is o f th ese contractions, lik e a w a ll that separates m e fro m m yself. M y atten tion does n o t reach the P resence in m e that lives anoth er life. I feel th e lack. T h e sense o f this lack is the greatest tru th I can approach today, the star that sh ow s m e the w ay. A s lon g as I am conscious o f this lack, p u rely atten tive w ith o u t interference fro m m y th o u g h t or feelin g, I see th e lim its o f the w o rld o f the k n o w n , o f form , w h ich I have to abandon in order to face the unknow n.

32. T o he spiritualized Today the forces that m ove us have lim ited p o w e r to viv ify. T h e ir w aves, their vibrations, q u ick ly d im inish. T h ese are vibration s o f in er­ tia. T h e en erg y put in m o v em en t is little ch arged w ith w ill, w ith a “w ill to be," and is incapable o f tran sm ittin g this w ill. A call from the depths o f o n eself is alw ays here. It becom es m ore and m ore insistent, as i f a different en ergy w e re w a n tin g to be heard, seeking a relation. In a state o f im m obility, in stillness, the relation can be better established, but this requires o p en in g to a different inner density, to an­ other quality o f vibration. Sensation is the perception o f this n e w quality. I need to feel the Presence o f the spiritual in me. T h e spirit penetrates m atter and transform s it. I need this act itself, to be spiritualized. T h e creative action o f the life force appears o n ly w h ere there is no tension, that is, o n ly in the void. I f I w ish to develop m y bein g, I m ust com e to this p o in t o f no tension, w h ich I feel as a void, as u n k n o w n . It is vo id o f m y eg o . . . so m eth in g I do n o t k n o w — m y essence. I perceive em ptiness because the fineness o f vibrations is beyo n d the d en sity in m y se lf that I u su a lly know . A t this m om en t I to u ch on the w ish to be, the w ill to be w h a t I am b eyo n d fo rm and tim e. I b eco m e consciou s o f the void b y the ch an ge in m y sensation, w h ic h b ecom es fin er as ten­ sions are dissolved. I b eg in to understand w h a t is m eant b y a p u re sensation, w h ich ap­ pears w h en m y th ou gh t is free, seeing w ith o u t any im age. U nder this

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visio n m y b o d y lets go. R elaxation com es b y itself, progressing w ith the clarity o f m y seeing. T h is sensation is the first sign o f obedience to so m eth in g greater. It can be conscious o n ly i f I am volun tarily passive. It is not m y o rd in a ry “I” that does this, it is not this "I” that seeks to m an ifest its force. M y force is o f another kind. If this is not tru e for m e— i f I do not sincerely k n o w it at the m om en t I w o rk — I w ill not be able to liberate m yself. I need to re c o g n iz e a h ig h er force, a m aster, and feel its authority. T h is reco gn itio n com es w h e n the o rd in ary “I,” the ego, ceases to create its o w n m ovem ents. T h e n an en erg y o f a v e ry special q u ality appears, w h ich is irresistible, all-pow erful, as lo n g as it is recog­ n ized and obeyed. It is this en erg y to w h ich , along w ith all the tradi­ tions, w e could g iv e the nam e “ lo v e” i f w e k n e w w h at love m eant. C o n sciou s sensation is the first step to w ard this force. To g o tow ard a conscious sensation, a sensation o f what is, I need a n e w th in k in g , a th ou gh t that is free o f all k n o w in g and believin g, free even o f past experience. T h is th ou gh t sees at once all the contradictions and disorder, and at the sam e tim e is able to rem ain absolutely still, tranquil. T h e n I m ay feel m y b o d y en tirely passive, as th ou gh it no lon ­ g er existed. T o m ain tain this state o f passivity is m y first po w er o ver the body. It indicates that a n e w en ergy participates in m y Presence. I no lon ger let m y s e lf be taken b y any tension— any contraction, th ou gh t or feeling. I have o n ly one aim in w h ich all m y centers participate: to per­ ceive the fine vibrations to the extent I am able to discern their quality. A consciou s sensation o f o urselves signifies and is prop er to in car­ nation, in w h ich the spirit m aterializes and takes on a definite density, becom es flesh. E xp erien cin g a p u re sensation w ith in the physical bo d y can lead to a spiritual experience. W e pen etrate the w o rld o f vib ra­ tions, o f fine substances. H ere is m y b o d y and here is energy, a life that is in m e. Yet I feel th em as on e and th e sam e. Is it possible? In front o f this question, I can neither deny n or affirm , and there arises a feelin g o f tru th, o f the real.

A NEW FEELING

33. I blindly trust myfeelings In facin g life, I am d riven b y the force o f m y o rd in a ry "I,” w h o se v e ry p ossibility o f existin g depends on the w o rld that su rrou nd s it. T h is "I” has a deep fear o f b ein g n o th in g and is afraid o f not h a vin g security, pow er, possessions. It is th in -skin n ed and easily w ou n d ed , alw ays ea­ ger to be reco gn ized , easily discou raged, rebelliou s against others, fu ll o f self-pity. T h ere is alm o st constan t fear— n o t a p a rticu lar bu t a g en ­ eral fear— o f bein g in secu re or incapable, or som e o th er vu ln erability. A n d there is alw ays avidity. I w a n t to obtain, I w a n t to ch ange, I w a n t to becom e. M y usual em o tio n al state is negative, alw ays reactin g to people and events from m y selfish, ego-cen tered point o f v ie w — w h a t pleases or displeases me, w h a t I lik e or w h a t I do not like. T h e re is a p erp etu al closing, in w h ich I harden, im prison ed in an eg o that cries "I.” T h e b e ­ ing, the w h o le bein g, is forgotten . A t th e sam e tim e there is a n eed to give, to love. But I can n ot love outside consciousness. L o v e is a q u ality o f consciousness. I f I w ish to k n o w what is, I have to rea lize that neith er w o rd s nor the feelings that accom p an y th em are perceptions o f reality. T h e w o rd is not the fact, the feelin g is not the fact. T h e y are b o th the reaction o f m y con d ition in g to im pressions, to e v e ry th in g that im presses m e. But

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DIRECTION

I b lin d ly tru st m y feelin gs. I n ever doubt th em . I believe th ey express a p ure vision and do not see that th ey really reflect im placable condition­ ing. Because o f this I do not see the absolute necessity to observe th em — that is, to rem ain in front o f th em w ith o u t reactin g, to be m er­ ciless to w ard m y desire to react. M y w ish to k n o w m y feelings m ust be stronger, w ith o u t eith er e x cu sin g or rejectin g them . M y th o u g h t has to b e k een and precise in order to be free fro m th eir effect, and m y atten­ tion m u st not w e a k e n or d eviate i f I am to see th eir m ea n in g and the exten t o f their in flu en ce on m y life. I need, at the v e ry m om ent, to be able to open to the intelligen ce o f silence, in w h ich alone understand­ in g cou ld appear. In order to enter in to this search, I h ave to observe a feelin g that g en era lly o ccu pies a g reat part o f m y atten tion— fear, for exam ple, or a nger or envy. I alw ays avoid lo o k in g at these feelings. But i f I w ish to see them , I have to face th em , liv in g w ith th em from m om en t to m o ­ m ent. I am en tirely atten tive w ith m y w h o le P resence to the m o v e­ m ents o f m y feelin g. T h e atten tion is pure, w ith no subjective am bitious aim , and has to rem ain p u re in order to see. It is a h igh er energy, m ore p o w e rfu l and in telligen t than the feelin gs that agitate m e. O n ly by w o rk in g in this w a y w ill I m easu re the stren gth o f m y attachm ent to them . I n eed to experience w h a t keeps m y th o u g h t and m y feelin g in a certain sphere— the repeated contacts w ith an order o f ideas to w h ich the th o u g h t subm its. I n eed to see the hypnosis o f this contact. In order to aspire to o th er contacts, to o th er im pressions, I b ecom e m ore sensi­ tive to a fin er en erg y b elo n g in g to a m ore rarefied level. M ore frequent con tact w ith this en erg y b rin gs n e w possibilities.

34. Feeling allows relation A ll the possibilities are in m e, bu t I can pass m y life w ith o u t any real change. T h e h igh est energy, w h ich gives b irth to all others, is in m e. It is p art o f m e. T h e qu estio n is n o t to m ake it appear bu t to a llo w it to appear, to su bm it to its action. T h e m o re I try, the m ore the w a y is

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restricted . . . n o th in g g ets th ro u gh . I m ust learn to subm it vo lu n tarily to its influence. T h e active force and the passive force are alw ays pres­ ent in us. But tw o forces alone are not en ou gh . T h e y are n o t related. A third, reco n cilin g force needs to appear, a certain fee lin g that allo w s a relation and thus transform s everyth in g . I f w e cou ld see the action o f this law o f forces, w e w o u ld u n d er­ stand better w h y it is so d ifficu lt to be present to o n e se lf and to rem ain here. I need to be present to tw o parts o f m y s e lf at the sam e tim e, and to experience the necessity o f a reco n cilin g force b etw e en them . A n e w feelin g m ust th en appear— a feelin g o f “ I” that is tu rn ed to w ard a greater reality in w h ich I participate and, at the sam e tim e, d ra w n by the w orld in w h ich I live. T h e call o f these tw o w orld s requ ires m e to be present, u n d erstan d in g that th ey can n ot exist w ith o u t each oth er and that one should be sp iritu alized b y the other. A conscious relation m ust appear. Relation is contact, a d irect contact o n th e sam e level w ith the sam e intensity. T h ere are d ifferent kinds o f contact: on e tim e I feel, another tim e I have a sensation, at anoth er m om en t I see. W h e n the inten sity is the sam e in all th ree centers, there is consciousness. But a conscious relation can n ot co m e fro m the old th in k in g , w h ich clin gs to w ords and im ages. It has no p o w e r to see the u n k n o w n . A n o th er di­ m ension cann ot appear as lo n g as the old th in k in g is active. I b eg in to d iscover that the h igh est en erg y in m e is not free, that m y th ou gh t fashions the state in w h ich I find m yself. W h e n I see m y su ggestibility to the least o f m y th oughts, m y interest aw akens. But I m ust g o m u ch fu rther, to the source, and see the th ou gh ts arise. W ith precaution, w ith o u t presu pposin g or ta k in g a n y th in g for granted , I si­ lently observe the m otives and reactions o f m y thou gh t. It is a d ifficu lt effort, req u irin g patience. It leads m e to discard ev e ry th in g . W ith a deep w ish to know , to k n o w tru th — w h a tever it m ay be, th o u g h not w h at I exp ect— I d iscover so m eth in g new. In the q u a lity o f attention that is here to face the fact as it is, there is a light, an in tellig en ce— I hesitate to say a “ feelin g,” b ecau se w e th in k w e k n o w w h a t fee lin g is. It is an en tirely n e w q u a lity th at has the ca p a city to kn o w . W h e n it

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appears, m y th o u g h t abandons its authority, and m y body, released fro m this influ en ce, relaxes. T h e liberated en erg y finds its o w n m o v e­ m ent, and m y b o d y subm its in order to find a right relation tow ard it. T h is fee lin g for w h a t I am b rin gs tog eth er w h a t is seen and w h a t sees. T h ere is no lon ger an o bject and an observer. I am bo th the one w h o sees and the one w h o is seen. W h e n I open en tirely to m y P resence, w h e n “I A m ,” I enter a dif­ ferent w o rld w h ere neither tim e nor space exists. I am one, a w hole. T h o u g h ts cease and reason disappears. I feel the “ I.” F eelin g is the es­ sential in stru m en t o f k n o w in g.

35. I feel “I am" D o y o u see that the p rob lem b efore us is a qu estion o f feeling? W e b eg in to see the p o v e rty o f all o u r feelin gs and the need for a feelin g that is m ore pure, m ore pen etratin g. But w e do not reach the depth in o u rselves w h e re a tra n sfo rm a tio n co u ld take place. I do not abandon m y idols. A w is h arises to be m ore m yself, to op en to a v e ry h ig h part o f m y s e lf and exp erien ce an em o tio n a l force that kn o w s. I need to h ear it. F or th is it is n ecessa ry to reach a d ep th o f silence w h ere m y fe e lin g is n o lo n ger attached to m y u su al egoism . O n ly in silence is th is possible. I w ish to be present, to rem ain present. But I feel pow erless, that I can n ot w ish , ca n n o t be. I do not have a stron g desire, a stron g w ill. I need help, a force o f an other quality. H elp appears in the form o f a m ore active feelin g, w ith m ore co n victio n , a fee lin g that com es from the h igh er em o tio n al center. In this m om en t I k n o w a n e w possibility o f b ein g present w h ich situates m e d ifferen tly in relation to w h at su r­ rounds m e and g iv es m ea n in g to m y Presence. But I o n ly receive this help i f I feel a co m p ellin g need for it. T h e call com es fro m the vision , the experien ce o f m y pow erlessness as I am. T h e n there is so m eth in g right, tru e in m y aw areness o f m y situation, and I can w is h for the help o f this force, for an oth er po ssibility o f being.

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W ish in g to subm it to its law, I m ake ro o m for this force, atten tive so that the attitude o f all m y parts co n form s to receive it. So lo n g as the force is p rim a ry for m e, I can receive its help. But this fee lin g o f p o w e r­ lessness is to o fleeting. A g a in I b elieve that I can "do,” as I am , and re­ tu rn to m y im agin atio n o f "I,” to m y blindness. H o w to understand the experience o f feeling? W e k n o w w h a t sens­ in g is, an in n er tou ch. F eelin g requ ires an oth er quality. It has n o th in g to do w ith "lik e ” o r “ dislike,” and y e t it is em o tio n . I feel so rro w or joy. Feeling is alw ays rising up. L ike fire it flares up, then dies away. A n d I feel “ I am .” P u re feelin g has no object. I can understan d it o n ly i f I am capable o f seein g w ith o u t an idea, w o rd or im age, able to be in contact w ith what is. I b eg in to see that the w o rld in w h ic h I live is a w o rld o f fictions. It is not real. T h e visio n I h ave o f m y s e lf is n o t a visio n o f m y o w n real­ ity. I see m y s e lf th ro u g h th e th in k in g , lost in m y im ag in a tio n o f "I.” For short m om en ts only, I to u ch on so m eth in g real in m y s e lf— I have a fee lin g "I am.’’ T h e fe e lin g I h ave o f m y s e lf m akes m e k n o w m y real­ ity. A t this m om en t, and o n ly at th is m om en t, I k n o w th at I am . I am at the source. I n o w h ave a m ea su re o f m y reality, w h ic h is reality it­ s e lf rath er th an m y u su al state w ith m y o rd in a ry percep tion . T h is re­ a lity is alw ays here. It needs to b eco m e the cen ter o f attractio n for m y feeling. G u rd jieff gave us the exercise "I am ” to w o r k on feelin g. In a col­ lected state I com e to th e fee lin g "I.” I d irect it into m y righ t arm — “I"— and then h ave a sensation in m y righ t leg— "am." T h ereafter, I have a feelin g, right leg; sensing, left leg; feelin g, left leg; sensing, left arm ; feelin g, left arm ; sensing, righ t arm . I do this th ree tim es, each tim e feelin g "I” and sensing “am." T h e n w h e n I h ave done it th ree tim es, I feel the w h o le b o d y — “I"— and sense the w h o le b o d y — “am." I experience “I” alw ays as feelin g, “am" as sensing. F eelin g is a m ore in ­ tense qu ality o f sensing. T h is exercise can also b e practiced b e g in n in g successively w ith the right leg, left leg and so on. T h e w o rd s “ I am " can be replaced by the w o rd s "L ord . . . have m ercy.”

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36. Love o f being If I feel the en erg y that anim ates m y body, there is a lin k b e tw e en m y m in d and body, bu t it is n o t en ou gh . A kin d o f balance is established, bu t so lo n g as m y fee lin g does n o t open, it is not tru ly alive. I b eg in to have a w ish to be and to feel m y s e lf as a w h ole, but I am all the tim e co n fro n ted b y the force o f m y autom atism . O n one side there is a m o v em e n t o f u n ity th at opens m e to n e w p erception, and on the o th er an inexorable m o v em en t o f dispersion. T h is confrontation calls fo rth in m e a force that I did not suspect, an attention that oth er­ w ise w o u ld n ever need to appear. T h e attention that leads to the m om en t o f consciousness is the fire w h ic h b rin gs about a blen d in g o f forces, a transform ation. T o becom e conscious sim u ltan eo u sly o f b o th these m ovem en ts requires a greater activ ity o f m y attention. T h e effo rt awakens it, aw akens a force that w as asleep. M y attention is en tirely m o b ilized , in clu d in g at the sam e tim e the h ig h er centers and the lo w er centers, the fu n ctio n in g o f m y w h o le P resence. T h is depends on a n e w fee lin g that appears, the feel­ in g o f being. R em em b erin g o n e se lf is above all rem em b erin g this other possibility, the search for a force in m y s e lf that is m ore active. I w ish to know , I w is h to be. I n eed to u nd erstan d w h a t is req u ired for a ch an ge in bein g, and to understand that w ith o u t the help o f the h igh er centers I can com e to nothing. In o u r u su al state w e have recourse o n ly to o u r ord in ary m ind, w h ich does not have the n ecessary energy. W e w o u ld u nd er­ stand m ore i f w e co u ld be m ore em o tio n al about o u r state, about the fact that w e do not h ear th e ca ll o f the h igh er centers, w e do not listen to it. In order for m y b ein g to ch ange, I m u st understand m y state em otionally. I th in k I understand m y state, bu t m y feelin g is not touched. T h is th in k in g is passive, and does not see. T h ere is no vision that could pen­ etrate and a llo w a perception o f the real fact, no en ergy capable o f co m ­ in g in contact w ith it. So, either I try to avoid m y thoughts and em otions, or I g o against w h a t im prisons m e w ith o u t bein g able to escape. I do not

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understand m y reality as a w h o le, and the fact has no action on m e. I thin k, I feel, I sense, or, instead, m y attention abruptly w ith d ra w s and I am calm , reassured. But I do not realize I have b ecom e passive. W h a t follow s com es not fro m the act o f k n o w in g but fro m the desire to hold on to w h at I feel and w h at I affirm or deny. I do not see the need for an en ergy that is u n con tam in ated b y m y th o u g h t and feelin g, an en ergy capable o f p en etratin g the nature o f w h a t opposes it. T h e o n ly force that cou ld ch an ge so m eth in g appears w h en the need becom es conscious. I am dissatisfied, I h ave n o th in g in m y s e lf that kn o w s. It is not an a n x iety but a fact that I see: the lack o f accord b etw e en m y centers. I am tou ch ed b y th is fact. I h ave a n e w feelin g, a sense o f urgen cy, a carin g, a love o f being. I e n ga ge m y s e lf— to see— and in this act o f seeing, an en erg y appears. It b elo n gs to the act o f seeing and is here as lo n g as th e act is pure. It is the appearance o f "I.” To be conscious o f s e lf is to be consciou s o f the im pression that is received. In the m om en t o f this consciousness, that w h ich sees and that w h ich is seen blend into a single entity. T h e w h o le b e in g is ch anged. A pure feelin g is born , an u n co n tam in ated e n erg y that is absolutely n ec­ essary for m e to g o fu rther. W ith o u t it I w ill n ever k n o w w h a t is true, never enter a w orld en tirely new.

IV

THE WORK TO BE P R E S E N T

W ha t do I understand today, and w hat do I need to understand Understanding depends on my state o f being, on my state o f Presence. It is absurd to pretend in my sleep that I w ish to work, w hile all the time dreaming that I can. O ur efforts to work in life are, first o f all, to discover how fa r we are from our highest possibilities. A t the center o f our work is the w ish to live in a more real way. M y lie is affirming m yself w ithout having the taste o f truth, the taste o f reality. W e can be either an unconscious slave or a conscious servant.

IN A Q U I E T STATE

37. A way o f understanding T h e F ou rth W a y is a w a y o f u n d erstan d in g that is to b e lived. H o w w e exist, o u r w a y o f liv in g , is a fact that reflects in exact m easu re o u r u n ­ derstanding. I can n ot say that I understan d w h a t it is to b e present. T h is sim ply is not true, because I do not live it. W h e n I live w ith o u t bein g present, it m eans th ere is so m eth in g I do not u nd erstan d as I am. A n d I w ill never, as I am , und erstan d unless a question about it arises in me. W h a t is the effort that w e call “w o rk in g ” ? W h a t are w e try in g to obtain? W h a t do I understand today, and w h at do I need to understand? W e alw ays w ish to chan ge so m eth in g in ourselves because w e do not like it. T h is is not the right startin g point. It is not based on understand­ ing. It does not com e fro m und erstan d in g and can n ot b e trusted. I am able to co m m it m y se lf o n ly to the extent o f m y understanding. U nderstan din g is based on conscious im pressions and depends on m y state o f bein g, on m y state o f Presence. W h a t I k n o w in a m om en t o f aw areness is w h a t I understand. A s so o n as m y state ch an ges and consciousness d im inishes, this u n d erstan d in g is lost. It is im m ed ia tely taken b y the associative th in k in g and autom atic feelin g, m y o rd in a ry m eans, w h ich steal it and pretend it b elo n gs to them . W e have to k n o w this tend en cy as a fact, so that w e are not fooled. U nd erstan din g is a

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precious treasure that m u st enter as a liv in g elem ent in m y effort. If it enters w ith clarity, it can g iv e an im p etu s that w ill be right and w ill lead to a conscious im pression, a n e w understanding. W e have to be ca refu l n o t to a llo w this n e w im pression to b e defiled b y o u r o rd in ary m eans and to b e accom p an ied b y undesirable associations. In o u r u su al state o f sleep, o f identification, w e can k n o w nothing. W h e n I am w h o lly identified, I am co m p letely absent. T h ere is nobod y h ere to see, to kn o w . T h e re is n o t on e particle o f attention free to see. In m y state o f sleep I w ish to w o rk , and I tr y in one w a y or another. But this is im possible. It is absurd to pretend in m y sleep that I w ish to w o rk, w h ile all the tim e d rea m in g that I can. I need to put in doubt m y illusion o f m yself, m y h abitual affirm ation . T h e first effort is to aw ake, in order to see. W e do not g iv e en o u g h im p ortan ce to the m om en t o f aw akin g, the m om en t w e see o urselves as w e are in o u r sleep. W e believe that to aw ake is to enter in to an en tirely d ifferent life, w h ich w ill have no th ­ in g in co m m o n w ith the one w e lead. But, in fact, a w a k in g m eans, above all, to aw ake to ou rselves as w e are, to see and feel the sleep, the identification. T h e m om en t itself w h en w e em erge and see the identi­ fication is the only moment fro m w h ich an im p etus cou ld com e. O n ly th en do I have a ch an ce to w a k e up. A fte rw a rd , in the n ext instant, I ju stify, I lie. D u r in g the m o m en t o f the im pression, I rea lize that the level o f m y state is v e r y low . I am con cern ed and w ish to get free. T h e n I w ish to be present. In seein g m y s e lf taken b y m y im agination, sud­ d enly I am aw aken ed, as th o u g h b y a light. I w a k e up b y b eco m in g aw are o f m y dream . I re co g n iz e a g reat possibility: I can aw ake w h en I am not en tirely taken. A lth o u g h w e could w a k e up, m ost o f the tim e w e refuse th is pos­ sibility. W e cou ld aw ake to o u r o w n P resence but do not. A n d w h en w e do, w e see that w e can n ot rem ain present. I w a s aw ake, n o w I find m y s e lf asleep. I w a s present, and again I am n o t here. M ost o f the tim e I am absent bu t do not k n o w it. A n d i f I do not d iscover the w a y I am taken, I w ill rem ain cau gh t in a circle w ith no w a y out. To see, to know , b ecom es the m ost im p ortan t aim . It is n ecessary to understand that I

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can be able and I can w ish , th at I can w o r k to be present. I need to w ish to stay present and to be able to stay present. T h e w a y in w h ich I question m yself, in w h ic h I tr y to k n o w w h a t I need, is v e ry im portan t. I can no lon ger b eg in fro m a v a g u e w ish that I take for granted. I have to k n o w w h y I w o r k and w h a t effo rt I am m aking.

38. Each day W e need co n stan tly to redefine o u r aim . T h is is b ecau se th e v e ry sense o f o u r w o rk , o f a right effort, gets lost a lo n g the w ay. W e fo rget that w h a t is n ecessary is to reco g n ize and relate tw o d ifferen t levels in o u r­ selves. W e do not see the sim u ltaneou s m ovem en ts o u tw a rd tow ard m anifestation and in w ard to w ard a reality at the source, tw o kinds o f vibrations. A lw a y s I n o u rish the fee lin g o f m y o rd in a ry “ I,” clin g in g blind ly to the first m ovem en t, the vibration that d raw s m e o u tw a rd . I am taken b y m y a ctiv ity o f the m om en t, and b elieve that in th is vib ra ­ tion lies the affirm ation o f m yself. In this identification I am lost in one or another part o f m yself, u n co n scio u s o f the w h o le. So, m y effo rt is to rem em b er m yself. W e are subject to identification under the law s o f this w o rld , but because w e do not re co g n iz e it and do not k n o w an oth er possibility, w e subm it and are taken b y it. W e can n ot escape unless w e see that it is a state o f sleep and w e aw ake to anoth er life in ourselves, a h igh er reality in ourselves. For th is w e m u st first k n o w a state th at is o f a dif­ ferent q u a lity th an w h a t w e experien ce all the tim e. T h is is possible o n ly in w o rk in the quiet, in conditions that are free fro m the dem ands o f outer life. In order to concentrate, m y th ou gh t en gages solely w ith the ques­ tion o f “ I,” and all m y parts are attentive to k n o w in g m y existence. O n ly one th in g counts: "I exist.” I k n o w I exist. I can exist, I w ish to exist. N o th in g else m atters. Because I k n o w I exist, I k n o w that e v ery th in g around m e exists. E ve ry th in g rises and falls, appears and disappears. Yet behind these m ovem en ts so m eth in g rem ains still, u n ch an gin g. I

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m ust becom e conscious o f it, not stayin g on the surface but concentrat­ in g as deeply as possible at a level I can h ard ly penetrate, m uch less re­ m ain. I w ish for this k n o w led ge, I have a w ish for w h at I can k n o w here. It is stron ger than ev e ry th in g else. It is a conscious w ish to hear the sound that is “I,” to hear it resonate in m yself. Each d ay I have to g iv e as m u ch tim e as it takes— som etim es m ore, som etim es less— to com e to a clear perception o f an inn er Presence, a life in m e that is m u ch h ig h er th an m y body. I need to k n o w this P res­ ence as so m eth in g really existin g, not m erely a po ssibility that I som e­ tim es tou ch . I can co m e to it i f I am activ ely passive, quiet en ou gh for an en erg y o f an oth er q u a lity to appear, to be contain ed in m e. T h is is a state o f deep lettin g g o w h ere the fu n ctio n s are m ain tained in passiv­ ity. I let m y fu n ctio n s co m e into m y Presence. I do not g o into them ; th ey co m e in to m e. O n ly the attention is active, an attention co m in g fro m all the centers. I need to find this Presen ce again and again until I k n o w it as a reality that I can n ot doubt. T h is certain reality w ill b ecom e the fou n d ation on w h ich I can base m y w o rk . I f I retu rn each day to so m eth in g absolutely sure, w h ich I understan d and o f w h ich I am con vin ced , I w ill see the way, the d irec­ tio n that w ill a llo w m e to k n o w h o w I am livin g. I w ill see m y s e lf en ­ closed in the n a rro w circle o f m y w ish es and interests, taken b y life. Yet b y exp erien cin g m y s e lf each day in an oth er state, outside this cir­ cle, I w ill re co g n ize that in reality I can escape, and I m ay even see that the circle does not exist.

39. The way up W h a t is req u ired to co m e to an in n er sensation, an in n er fee lin g o f reality? W e n eed to k n o w th e w ay, th e process, a ccep tin g that as w e are to d a y w e h ave no m ea n s to o p en to re a lity am id th e a c tiv ity o f life. I m u st k n o w th e road I am tra v e lin g — th e w a y up and the w a y d o w n . I learn first to w ith d ra w fro m a c tiv ity in order to find this P resen ce, so m eth in g real in m e. A fte rw a rd , I w ill again g o tow ard m an ifestation .

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In tu rn in g tow ard the perception o f an other quality, I see that m y usu al th in k in g , fee lin g and sensation ca n n o t help, and I g iv e up m y ord in ary attitude and m y illu sion about m yself. I can "d o ” noth ing. N evertheless, I can b eco m e conscious o f h o w th in gs take place in m e, and I can find an attitude, an in n er po stu re, that w ill a llo w o p e n in g to a h igh er energy. To be conscious w o u ld m ean that all the parts o f m y­ se lf have this kn o w led ge. G o in g to w ard this o p e n in g w o u ld require each part to b ecom e passive, available to receive this energy, in a con­ scious m ovem en t o f rem em b erin g m yself. T h e o p e n in g w o u ld depend on the attention b ein g o f equ al inten sity in all the centers, as th o u g h all the parts w ere attuned. It w o u ld be lik e fo rm in g a w o rld in w h ich each part vo lu n tarily to o k its place. T h e principal obstacle to consciousness is the w a n d e rin g m ind. E ve ry th in g that distracts from m y con cen tration is m y enem y. Yet I do not have to fight the distractions. I need to ign ore th em and not n o u r­ ish th em w ith m y energy, m y attention. M y th in k in g is to o unstable, m oved b y e v e ry sh o ck because I n a ively ex p ect so m eth in g fro m it. T h is th in k in g is agitated b y ever-present th ou gh ts, b y th eir vibrations, w h ich invade m y brain. N evertheless, m y m in d has the cap acity to concentrate on certain th ou gh ts that, in co m m u n icatin g th eir vib ra­ tion, can prevent oth er th ou gh ts fro m passing th ro u g h the d oor o f co n ­ sciousness. T h u s the m in d can be the cause o f m y slavery o r a factor for liberation. In w o rk in g in the quiet, I learn to separate m y s e lf fro m the m u lti­ tude o f thou ghts and co m e to th e sole vib ra tio n o f a sin gle question: “ W h o am I?” A s I try to attu n e m y s e lf to it, a silent, co n tin u in g p ercep ­ tion o f “ I” appears b eh in d the w a ve s o f thou ghts. T h e n I am no lon ger agitated b y their vibrations, and rem ain indifferen t, e x p ec tin g n o th in g fro m them . W h o am I? I stay w ith the sh o ck o f the question u n til all o th er th ou ghts com e to subm ission. It is not easy, bu t I do not a llo w m y s e lf to be d iscou raged or afraid. N o r do I clin g to the idea o f b eco m ­ in g conscious o f m yself. T h e aim o f co n cen tratin g on this on e question is to lead m e to consciousness. A n y o th er idea w h ich is added— even that o f consciousness— is useless, h a rm fu l. I f an oth er th ou g h t com es, I

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re co g n ize it for w h a t it is and do not en tertain it. M y m ind becom es still and takes on stren gth , w ith a p o w e r to k n o w w ith o u t participation o f the though t. Because m y m in d is still, the sensation o f a m ore subtle en erg y ap­ pears, o f a liv in g Presence in m e. I feel it com es fro m m y head, a vib ra ­ tion beh in d m y associations, and circu lates in m y b o d y — a cu rren t o f e n erg y w ith in the m uscles. T h e cu rren t requ ired for an intense sensa­ tion o f m y s e lf is h ig h ly ch arged as co m p ared w ith the cu rren t for m an­ ifestation. I extend the reach o f m y attention so that it penetrates ev e ry w h e re , b e c o m in g lik e a net or filter that can accu m ulate the h igh er cu rren t in its m esh. T h e in n erm o st, sm allest m uscles are re­ laxed bu t o n ly up to a certain point. T h e y k eep the precise tautness requ ired to hold the cu rren t— neither to o m uch, w h ich cuts m e o ff fro m m y body, nor too little, w h ich a llo w s the cu rren t to escape. T h e larger m uscles are supple and w ith o u t tension, read y to be anim ated by the o th er cu rren t n ecessary for m an ifestation. R eg u la tin g the balance b e tw e e n tension and relaxation, the o vera ll “tonus,” affects the arising o f thou ghts, the rh yth m , and as a resu lt can b rin g a kind o f m astery o ve r the associations. I feel a stillness, an in n er sense o f reality. R em em b erin g o n e se lf b eg in s to be m ore com plete as m y attention is d ivided and feelin g participates. W h e n I am concern ed w ith bo th the m in d and th e body, it is im possible for the fee lin g not to com e in— it ca n n o t rem ain indifferent. M y fe e lin g has to be tou ch ed either b y the q u a lity o f m y state or b y the lack o f accord. T h e particu lar en ergy n ec­ essary for self-rem em berin g can o n ly be p rod u ced at a m om en t o f stron g feelin g. B efore this, it is o n ly preparation.

40. A n exercise is a temporary aid W h e n I w o r k in the qu iet, I am n o t d istu rb ed b y influ en ces that ord i­ n a rily act in m y life and I can h ave a righ t attitude, an inn er posture, th at includes m y tw o natures. It is o th e rw ise in ev ery d a y life, w h ere I am su bject to in flu en ces that create v e r y d ifferen t conditions for m y effort.

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A s I experience the d ifference b e tw e e n the sensation o f tension and o f lettin g go, I see that o n ly in a v e ry relaxed b o d y can a sensation o f another P resence appear. It is as th o u g h this P resence needs to estab­ lish its order in the body. I have to u nd erstan d this n e w order and see that I am a part o f it, that I w ish for it, and th at in it I am m ore essen­ tially m yself. In co m in g b a ck to m yself, there are exercises that I m ay u n d ertake to cla rify the experience o f P resence. A n exercise is alw ays a tem p o ­ rary aid, a m eans to help m e take a step th at I n eed to take, to see m y situation better and to understand the effort I have to m ake. It can be a help o n ly at the m o m en t w h en I need it and understan d its sense. O th ­ erw ise, an exercise w ill in no w a y help and, on the contrary, m ay p re­ ven t fu rth er understan din g. T h is is w h y it is im p ortan t n e ver to exp erim en t b lin d ly w ith an exercise or do an exercise that w a s g iv en for others. In u n d erta k in g an exercise, I m u st first ask m y s e lf w h y I am d oin g it and i f I really w a n t to do it. O th e rw ise , the exercise w ill be done pas­ sively and, becau se p assivity n ever b rin gs u nd erstan d in g, it w ill not help m e. In d oin g the exercise, I pay special attention to w o rk alw ays w ith th ree centers. I f I see that I am w o rk in g o n ly w ith one or tw o , I can be sure that the effo rt is m ech a n ica l o r m erely half-conscious. T h ere is real consciousness o n ly w h e n I w o rk w ith the sam e inten sity in all th ree parts. I f the in itiative com es fro m o n ly one o f th em — for exam ple, i f the center o f g ra v ity is first in the head and th en passes to the solar plexus— this is w eakn ess, an im a g in a ry w o r k that can o n ly lead to self-deception. A n d i f I relax in a gen eral w ay, this is also w e a k ­ ness. W ith o u t consciousness it has n o value. In order to en ga ge w h olly, m y head needs to be v ig ila n t like a w a tch m an , m y b o d y so sensitive to the en ergy fillin g it that there is no in v o lu n ta ry tension, and the feelin g alw ays aw are o f th e tru th o f w h a t I am livin g. T h en , I can feel the pres­ ence o f a fine en erg y that circulates in m y body. Because it is d ifficu lt to have a sensation o f the w h o le — o f w h a t I really am — I m ay b eg in b y sensing different parts o f the body. I feel this en ergy m ore particu larly in m y right arm , alive and fluid. It circulates

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from m y right arm to m y right leg, then to m y left leg and then to m y left arm . A n d I g o around the fou r lim bs, b eg in n in g each tim e w ith the n ext lim b in turn. T h e n I feel the en erg y alive in m y b a c k . . . in m y head . . . in m y solar plexus . . . in m y bo d y as a w hole. “ I am .” I m ay intensify the exercise b y co u n tin g w ith the sensation o f each lim b — for exam ple, I, 2, 3, 4 . . . 4, 3, 2, i; 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . 5, 4, 3, 2; 3, 4, 5, 6 . . . 6, 5, 4, 3; . . . up to 9 ,1 0 ,11,12 . . . 12,11,10 , 9; reco m m en cin g at 1. In d oin g an exercise, I try not to g e t carried aw ay b y the exp eri­ ence. It is a serious m om en t. I feel the g ra v ity o f it. M y w o rk depends on w h a t I am g o in g to k n o w now. I f each part m ain tains the initiative, the taste o f tru th is rein fo rced and th e experience "I am ” has a support, a vib ratio n that com es fro m this conscious effort. But this w ill m ore or less q u ick ly disappear. In order for it to rem ain longer, a certain v o lu n ­ ta ry th ou g h t is necessary. In the quiet state at the end o f the exercise, I resolve to m y s e lf that so m eth in g w ill rem ain w ith m e u ntil the next tim e, and that the n ext tim e it w ill be m ore.

IN T H E A C T I V I T Y OF LIFE

41. Only in everyday life I m ust be present to m y life i f I w ish to k n o w w h a t I am . W h e n I open to forces o f a h igh er level, I am able to participate at th at m om en t, but stayin g there is not m y role, m y place. I can n ot m ain tain m y s e lf in this relation, and after a certain tim e I o n ly im ag in e it. W h e n I retu rn to life, it is w ith m y o rd in a ry "I” that I respond. I fall b a ck into m y ord i­ n a ry th in k in g and m y o rd in a ry feelin g, and forget the o th er possib ility that I had approached. It is far, v e ry far fro m m e— a h u ge distance. I no lon ger believe in it and in m an ifestin g, no lon ger o b e y it. I o b ey the force o f m y reactions and am lost, identified in m y su bjective feelings. I b elieve that b y m y s e lf I am so m eth in g, that I need n o th in g m ore. I am d e a f to the call o f a h igh er force. A s I am , I ca n n o t keep fro m b e in g lo st in life. T h is is b ecau se I do not b e lie v e th at I b e c o m e lost and do n o t see th at I lik e b e in g taken . I do n o t k n o w w h a t it m ea n s “to b e ta k e n .” I do n o t see it b e ­ cause I do n o t see m y s e lf in m y m an ife sta tio n s and do n o t re a lly k n o w eith er m y yes o r m y no. I h ave no stro n g im p ressio n s to su p ­ p o rt m y e ffo rt to b e p resent. So, m y first co n scio u s act is to k n o w m y m ech a n ica ln ess, to see m y s e lf b lin d ly o b e y in g an a u to m atic fo rce o f attractio n o r rep u lsion , and to r e a liz e m y o w n p assivity, m y in ertia

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in the face o f it. M y a u to m atism is a prison. So lo n g as I b eliev e m y s e lf free, I w ill n o t g e t o ut. In o rd er to m ak e th e n e cessa ry e ffo rt, I m ust u n d ersta n d th at I am im p riso n ed . I h a ve to see m y s e lf b e in g a m a ­ ch in e , to k n o w m y s e lf as a m a ch in e, and to b e h ere w h ile fu n c tio n ­ in g as a m a ch in e. M y a im is to ex p e rie n c e b e in g m ech a n ica l and n e v e r fo rg et it. W h a t is pu t to the test at the m om en t o f m an ifestin g is the feelin g I have o f m yself. A ll o u r identifications are anim ated b y an essential force. It is th is that w e have to confront. T h e form s that the identifica­ tio n takes are n o th in g. T h e y are not the h eart o f the problem . W e have to com e b a ck to this essential source, to see that it is b eh in d each o f our m asks. It is really o u r o w n force that is stolen fro m us b y the affirm a­ tion o f o u r in d ivid ual self. W e say “ I” all day long. W h e n w e are alone, w h e n w e sp eak w ith others, w e say "I,” "I,” "I." W e believe in o u r indi­ viduality, and this illu sion supports o u r sense o f existence. W e are con ­ stantly strivin g to be so m eth in g w e are not, because w e are afraid o f b ein g noth ing. A t the sam e tim e, w e are bearers o f h ig h e r possibilities. In better m om en ts w e each feel ou rselves as a particle o f so m eth in g greater. W e ca rry in us a seed o f this greatness. T h is is o u r valu e as h u m an beings. W e m ust b eco m e consciou s o f these possibilities in order to put them in con tact w ith o u r life force, to m ake th em participate in o u r life force. It is th ro u g h this consciousness that m y real s e lf and m y o rd in a ry “I” can co m e to k n o w each o th er and establish a relation. O rd in a ry life opposes m y k n o w in g h igh er possibilities hidden in m e. It does this in a n atu ral and im placable m anner, w h ich subjects m e to b e in g th e w a y I am today. But w h e n I see in m y s e lf the opposition o f tw o lives, tw o d ifferen t levels su bject to d ifferen t law s, I feel the n e­ cessity o f a w ay, a d irectio n . W ith o u t th is o ppo sitio n I w o u ld not feel it, and I w o u ld n o t learn to see m y s e lf as I am . O n ly in th e conditions o f m y ev ery d a y life can I stu d y w h e re m y force and w h e re m y w e a k ­ ness lie. A fte rw a rd , w h e n I k n o w these, I w ill also k n o w i f it is n eces­ sary to ch ange.

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42. The source o f manifestation T h e life force is alw ays present in us and is a co n tin u al source o f m an i­ festation. But w e have no contact, no relation w ith it. W e do not feel engaged. W e do not k n o w o u r life force. In order to k n o w it, w e have to be present to o u r identification. W e m ust accept g o in g to w a rd m an i­ festation, at the sam e tim e m a k in g an effort to see o u rselves tak en b y the life force and to fo llo w the chan ges that take place in o u r state. W e m ust com e to feel en gaged vo lu n tarily— a conscious en gage m en t that w e m ake b y choice, b y ta k in g a decision. W e h ave to a ccep t th at a fo rce in us w ill a lw a y s b e in a ctiv ity , a lw ays w is h to exp ress itself, to m an ifest. M y th o u g h t w i l l a lw ay s g o on, m y fe e lin g w ill a lw a y s g o on, m y b o d y w ill a lw a y s m o v e. T h e re is a h u n g e r fo r a ctiv ity , a k in d o f avid ity, w h ic h w ill a lw a y s be here. H o w do I p a rticip a te in it? W h a t is m y re la tio n to it? H e re is the ro o t o f the p ro b lem — I do n o t see th e eg o b e h in d a ll m y m a n ife s­ tation s, I do n o t k n o w it. I do n o t see th e im p u lse th at p ro v o k e s this a v id ity in m y s e lf— th is th o u g h t “ I,” “I,” “ I,” w h ic h arises w ith all m y em o tio n s, all m y m o v e m e n ts . . . th is co n sta n t th o u g h t “ I.” T h is im p u lse is a p art o f m e, I c a n n o t d e n y it. But I do n o t k n o w m y rela ­ tio n to it, w h a t place it sh o u ld h ave. I do n o t ev en k n o w w h a t in it is g o o d o r bad, o r w h a t a ttitu d e I sh o u ld h ave in th e face o f it. T h e r e is n o th in g co n sciou s. I c a n n o t e v en stay in fro n t o f it to tr y to und erstan d . In order to see m y identification, I have to accept as a fact m y p o w ­ erlessness to rem ain present. I have to experience it, and seek again and again to k n o w it. In order to k n o w a force, I have to resist it. So I resist bein g identified in order to k n o w the force w ith w h ich I am identified. But w h a t does it m ean to “resist” ? W h a t is the w o r k o f con sciou sly separating tw o forces in order to b eco m e consciou s o f th em both? In the m ovem en t to free m y attention, I see that attitude is im portan t. In order to stay present, I need to see w h en m y attitude ch an ges and not g ive in to the force that takes m e.

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In my ordinary state of identification, I blindly adhere to the move­ ment o f manifestation. I am lost in one part o f myself, taken in the ac­ tivity o f the moment, unconscious o f the whole. This nourishes the feeling o f my ordinary "I,” which I believe to be the affirmation of my­ self. Nevertheless, there is in me a finer energy that is quicker, more intense. If I could become conscious o f it, I would be able to affirm an­ other quality o f myself. The moment o f manifestation tests the feeling I have of myself. I know that the feeling o f Presence is not strong. It quickly goes away. It is bound to go because I cannot sustain the effort. But I can repeat, and I can again find the same force, the same taste o f something real. Then I struggle not to disappear so quickly in the activity, and I try to see what is required to be present. W hat do I sacrifice in a moment of work? W hat is needed for me to have “w ill” ? W ho wills, who wishes? If there is a feeling o f self, o f what self? W ho is here? I have to see how I agree to disappear.

43. A measurefrom above Our efforts to work in life are, first o f all, to discover how far we are from our highest possibilities. Little by little we come to know the dif­ ferences in our state; our knowledge is a knowledge of differences. There is a difference between the state we experience in the quiet and our state in the activity o f life. The state in life is very changeable. We are not the same here as there, now and one hour later, or even five minutes later. Even when we see that our state changes, this has no meaning if we merely register the differences on one level. We have to measure them in relation to something higher which is always the same, that is, an inner seeing that never changes. We measure the lower with a higher part o f ourselves. At the center o f our work is the wish to live in a more real way. But as soon as we begin, all the resistance is here, which makes us lie and deny our wish. We do not have a sensation o f ourselves or a feeling of

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ourselves. So, in saying and thinking "I,” what we affirm is not some­ thing we recognize as real. Here is my lie— affirming myself without having the taste of truth, the taste o f reality. But I cannot hold on to a lie and the truth at the same time. To know what I am, I have to make room, to give up my lie for the feeling o f truth. My struggle is a con­ stant effort to be free o f this lie and find again what is true at the center of my work. For this I need to have a point o f reference, a certain feel­ ing in myself that is always here, always the same— my actual under­ standing of what it is to be a conscious being. Each time I work, I have to make contact with this feeling. This contact, which may be less or more, is a relation that depends on a voluntary attention. It is my mea­ sure, the measure both of my capacity and of the quality o f my mo­ ment o f work. In order to come back to myself, I have to become free from words and images, and from emotions, so that I may turn toward the sensa­ tion of a more subtle, higher energy. To receive it I must be present, with all my centers available for an act o f consciousness. If I find a bal­ ance, I may feel the presence o f this different energy, the contact with a force of another level. Nevertheless, to feel this contact with a higher world is only one part o f the conscious effort to know myself in life. In this I only know one aspect o f myself. In a moment of work, I first take back part o f the attention lost in identification and relate it to the most intimate reality in myself. My attention changes by virtue o f being turned toward another possibil­ ity. But in order to be present, I have then to turn again toward life with this new attention. One part o f it remains aware o f my reality, the other is directed toward life with all the risks o f identification. There is a conscious effort to be related at the same time with both higher forces and lower forces. I am in the middle, between two worlds. My attention is entirely mobilized in two directions at the same time, and remains active in order not to allow myself either to be carried away or to withdraw from the action. I see the fluctuations o f my level o f being.

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44. The way down I must know the road I am traveling— the way up and the way down. After withdrawing to find something real in myself, I learn to go more con­ sciously toward manifestation, to open to reality amid the activity of life. W hen I awaken in life by chance, I see that I am not prepared. My engagement is not by conscious choice and my attention is scattered. In order for me to be present, there must be a certain wish or will, a certain quality, that does not come from my ordinary person. My ef­ fort has to be made with something beyond my ordinary means, be­ yond my ordinary "I.” For this I have to take a decision. I decide to remember myself and to remain related in two directions at a predetermined moment in a specific circumstance. Usually, my moments of work are isolated and uncon­ nected. When I remember myself alone in the quiet, I go away from what I am in life. I refuse what I am in life and cannot know it. Then, when I try in life, I have nothing prepared in advance, nothing on which my ef­ fort can be based. My effort is therefore weak, slack. So I need to connect the moments when I work in the quiet with the moments of work in life. I need to connect them consciously by a decision. Something of what I experience in life must enter my work apart, and something of my work apart must come into my work in life. In my work in the quiet, I try to find again the impression of what I am in life, feeling also the resistance. If I am then able to project a strong impression of both aspects of myself on a future moment of work, my decision to be present can be voluntary. The relation accepted ahead of time can be made at the desired moment, pro­ vided my effort is clear. But taking a decision to work is very difficult be­ cause the decision has to touch these two aspects of myself at the same time. My incapacity reflects my limited power to do. Our entire Presence must be here at the moment of this decision, including our ordinary "I.” Even if we regard it as illusory and disap­ pointing from the point o f view of consciousness, this “I” is the provi­ sional center o f initiative that supports our life. It must agree with the decision so that all the forces in me will be present when it is carried

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out. O f course, my "I” does not want this, is not interested in carrying out the decision. But it has to feel and accept that there is something more urgent, something greater. In taking the decision, it resists but at the same time accepts— it accepts the struggle. At the chosen moment of work, when we remember our decision, we need to have a feeling of obedience, of submission to something greater. My ordinary initiative accepts carrying out the decision in the name of something higher. Thus it is our life force, transformed, that is at the center o f our action. I have to be shrewd in order to see what I am in life. I must not change in my desire to manifest. I have to catch myself by surprise and at the same moment divide my attention. It is almost impossible. In taking a decision, we must “take our measure” in order to be able to make a right effort. This means to measure the forces. To conduct a more conscious struggle, I need to know my capacity— what I am able and what I am unable to do— and I need to anticipate the resistance. There are obstacles that I must understand, including both the illusion of my ordinary "I” and the recurring doubts about my capacity. My pas­ sivity does not wish to give up and is a very cunning beast. It w ill tell me that it cannot decide or carry out a decision. This is true— it cannot. But something else can. I need to listen to that, and not to the doubt brought by my passivity. At the same time, I cannot today be present in just any circumstance. It is important to choose an activity that corre­ sponds to my measure, to my capacity to be present. I need to see that I am unable to open to Presence even in the simplest activity. When I have achieved something, there is always the tendency to become satisfied and to stop working. I forget the strength of my inertia when there is a complete standstill, and how difficult it is to start again. I must learn how always to make new impulses for work, conditions that are hard enough, yet not too hard. If they are not hard enough, they will not serve as an impulse. If too hard, they will create such resistance that I cannot go on. Do not make a promise to yourself that you cannot be sure you are able to keep. If you undertake a task, you must feel it as a strong necessity from the beginning of the day. In order to bring a strug­ gle, the demand must have the force of a strong identification.

S T A T I N G IN F R O N T

45. T o “know myself” Two kinds o f movement share my Presence: a movement toward the source and a movement toward life. I need to see and remember that I belong to tw o levels. I can become conscious only when I feel a reality that is higher than myself, when I recognize that without it I am noth­ ing and have no force to resist being taken by identification. Then I can open to this reality and consciously receive its action, be nourished by it. But this requires an attitude that I cannot maintain. Always I return to the feeling o f my ordinary "I," which does not understand that it must serve. This "I” is blind. It believes itself free and always returns to its slavery. When I see my situation, I begin to understand this illusion o f “I,” which is fed by my life force, and to feel the need for a new attitude toward myself. The initial effort is to free my attention from identifica­ tion. But there is no solidity, no stability. I need to find the effort that w ill allow the formation o f a central core, a more stable center of grav­ ity of my attention. In order for me to remain related to the two levels, my attention must be entirely mobilized and maintained in two direc­ tions at the same time. The power o f divided energy is my power of attention. We do not value enough the short moments when we are situated

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between two forces. At each step in remembering ourselves, we en­ counter doubt. I doubt myself, I doubt a more real part o f me, I doubt that I can find help— possibilities higher than what I know. It is here that I need to be true in the face o f the lie present even in my best m o­ ments. I have to struggle with doubt until something gives up. Then help appears which calls me to remain true to maintaining the relation with a higher energy. It is not necessary to come always to an exalted state, only to a level at which I can stay present a little longer. Simply remaining above the level o f sleep— a little higher but in a way that has some stability— is itself extraordinary. It constantly jars something in us that awakens. We need to know what we are— either an uncon­ scious slave or a conscious servant. Our attention has no center of gravity. It is not magnetized by a force that has some authority, some power over it, and continues to run wherever it is called. Perhaps here I see that I am not available be­ cause my attention is not available. I am unable to be more collected in myself, more inside, and at the same time to be more outside. So, what is required? The inner reality is the source o f my life, but I have also an absolute need to project myself outside. If I can see this inner reality as acting like a magnet, I w ill see the outside as an opposing attraction, another magnet. Then maybe I w ill understand what attention means. It is an energy that connects me both with the source and with the outside world, and permits me to receive knowledge, that is, to know. We use the word “know” so much that it does not mean anything. But when we say "I wish to know myself,” we are not speaking about acquiring conceptual knowledge, something learned once and for all, then recalled passively. We are speaking o f a very intense and active ac­ tion. After the first shock o f Presence, of awaking and coming back to myself, there is a struggle to stay in front o f two movements, two levels in myself. With the need for this Presence to last, there is a second shock, the awakening of a new feeling, a new wish, a will. In order to continue knowing myself and not disappear, I will this Presence to last. The result o f effort is always foreordained. It is determined, has to come as a consequence o f laws. What occurs is not always what we

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might expect. This means the effort was not as it should have been. With a right effort, the result w ill always come, in due course.

46. Only contact, only relation There is something too passive in the way I try to be present to myself. I forget that my effort is to become conscious o f how the forces sharing my Presence are related to each other, and to find my place in this rela­ tion. After trying for a short time, I experience no more than the form in which the effort is being attempted, and I tense in order to keep this form. I no longer see the necessity to know the relation o f the forces. I forget that my role is to see and not abandon this vision. Passive, I cling to a form in which nothing more can take place. There w ill always be an energy that exists in a state o f intense con­ centration. And there w ill always be another energy, a dispersed en­ ergy that has less power and flows outward. The sense o f my life is in the consciousness I have o f these forces. This is not in order to prevent them from being what they are, but to know their relation. For this a purer attention is needed, so that I am not carried away by movements provoking tension toward the outside. This relation of forces, this con­ stant awareness o f forces, is the very sense o f my effort of conscious­ ness. But I forget this and believe it is sufficient to consider one force alone, for example, when I impose relaxation on my body and inwardly fall asleep. The form o f the effort becomes the aim, as though to relax is to be present. I need to realize and guard against this constant dan­ ger. The sense of my search lies in questioning from moment to mo­ ment. The question "W ho am I?" is always here— who am I in the middle of these forces that share my Presence? To see requires an attention that is active, not simply one produced by the shock o f an impression. We need to realize that our usual atten­ tion is not in contact with what it is perceiving, and as a result we do not really see. For this contact, the attention must become active. We need to face its passivity, to realize our insufficiency, our nothingness, and to stay in front. This brings the activation.

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Everything always repeats. We need to stay in front o f this repeti­ tion in order to go toward the new, the unknown. With our ordinary mind, we cannot. We always expect a result, and so our thought is never free. We delight in change, and do not truly want to know. In order to pass beyond this point, there must be an opening to conscious­ ness beyond the usual functioning, to a consciousness that does not judge but sees. Is it better to wish to change what appears and have a passing experience? Or to stay in front, without leaving, in order to know what I am? I learn to see, and again to see, to remain in front of my lack of will, the lack o f desire to face what is. To stay in front of what I do not know is a very great thing— and I am an unknown to myself. I begin to understand that only contact, only relation, brings real change, brings consciousness. With my usual awareness, the higher centers cannot act on me. They are prevented by the dispersed and discordant state in which I constantly find myself. Here is a law: I can do nothing. Is it possible to see this dispersion, to understand it? Because so long as I have not seen it, nothing can change for me. There w ill be no new impulse, no change o f direction or quality in the movement o f my energy. The pas­ sage toward a better quality, coming from the higher centers, takes place through opening— that is, with the appearance of an attention that was not here before. This comes about at the moment when, inca­ pable of understanding, o f receiving, I stop. And in this stop the atten­ tion, which was engaged, captive, unconscious of itself, suddenly becomes free. Once free, it is able to stay in front, conscious of itself. This opening to another level puts in question what I am.

47. The strugglefo r being When we are mechanical, we are acting with only one center, and our energy is spent without our seeing it, used up in associations, emotions and movements. We must see our mechanicalness, and we can only see it by resisting it. We resist being identified in order to know the force with which we identify. When we resist, a different quality o f energy, of

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Presence, appears with a different taste— a momentary center of grav­ ity. But what does it mean to resist? Where am I when I am not present? I need to see my complete submission to suggestions, my willing slavery. I like to obey, I accept being cowardly. I cannot even understand what it would mean to wish to free myself. I have never thought that the sense o f an independent existence is to be found in the struggle to know my slavery. I have never tried to stay present in life by struggling not to give in so quickly. My wish to struggle is not strong enough. Otherwise, I would watch. W hen I begin, I want to withdraw just enough to be able to struggle to stay present. But I forget my wish and prefer to withdraw completely. If I understood that my only possibility to be present is in the struggle, I would not seek to situate myself outside it or avoid it by withdrawing and escaping identification. Seeing my identification would be connected to the struggle. It would be part of my struggle. Conscious effort does not mean staying in one place without changing, but continuing the effort. We always dream o f reaching a place in order to remain there permanently. Yet permanence can only be found in movement. We are not seeking something static, but the power of a mobile attention, a conscious attention that can follow the entire movement in manifestation, whatever the circumstance. We need to remember that the struggle is fo r and not against some­ thing, particularly in relation to what we call “desire”— the wish for pleasure or some other satisfaction. The illusion o f desire arises from images recorded in the memory with pleasure or pain. Although the desire leads to fragmentation, it is not getting satisfaction that is bad but the fact that I am absent, unable really to satisfy or not to satisfy it. At one moment, for example, I may experience a wish to indulge a pleasure like smoking or eating. Either I immediately give in to the idea and have no contact with the desire, or I refuse and create conflict, again without contact because I have dismissed the desire. And every­ thing that arises in me proceeds like this. The desire is life itself in me, extraordinarily beautiful, but because I do not know it and do not un­ derstand it, I experience frustration, a certain pain, in giving in or in

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repressing it. So, the struggle is to live with the desire, not refusing it or losing myself in it, until the mechanism o f the thinking no longer has an action on me, and the attention is free. In this struggle, everything is in the attention. A single moment of inattention and all is lost. I must find in myself something real. It is al­ ways here. I need to put my trust in it. Without this, there is no support when I have to manifest. So inevitably I will be taken, I w ill be lost. This is why I have to return to this reality which I recognize in myself— which I belong to. I know that I will be able to be only when I can re­ member what is real for me at the moment and not forget it going into life. I must have this need, this feeling that I need it. This is my wish to be. I need it because without it I am nothing, I really am absolutely lost. At the same time, I have to expect setbacks. The search for “I” is a lifelong journey. I take a step, I fall. I take two steps, I fall. In falling I come to know the obstacles, and when I begin again I am forewarned. I know one obstacle, then a second. We would like to ascend without falling but do not see the danger. It would be terrible if we were to reach the very next-to-last step, fall back to the bottom, and have no more time to climb again. So, we have to accept discontinuity. In evo­ lution each step or note in the octave contains the obstacles o f the one that preceded it.

48. Playing a role To be present requires dividing the attention. Three-quarters must be kept inside and only one-quarter allowed to support the movement toward manifestation. This is a law that cannot be avoided. In order to be, we have to “play a role.” My need is to reconcile the aspiration toward the higher with the attraction to affirm myself in the functions. I want to unite both forces in order to be conscious o f myself as a whole and to remain conscious of myself, actively present to my situation. If I do not remain present, I will be passive, taken by one or the other force. Here I need to see my limitation, to see that my centers are not related. My attention has to

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stay in front o f this fact and not go away until the feeling o f "I” appears. It is in trying to stay here longer that this feeling appears at the very heart o f the struggle. I alone can resolve the issue . . . if I wish, if I will. But in order to will, it is necessary to continue staying in front with an active attention. This produces a force that acts on my passivity, and a change takes place in the relation between the centers. W hen I see that my energy is entirely drawn outward, I feel a need to come to a different state. This requires an absolute quietness in which I can feel the disconnection between the centers and experience the need to have them in accord. I live this lack of connection, this fact, and see that the energies o f the mind and the body are not related. As I stay in front, the two come to the same intensity. But I see that this is not enough. A new feeling must appear, the feeling o f being. This is a new energy, a conscious force that needs to be present if I am not to be re­ taken by my automatism. We can be related to our inner reality when we withdraw into a quiet state, but everything disappears when we manifest in life. Our ordinary “I,” our ego, takes over. We do not even see the change. The key to staying here is service, provided this "I” can serve our ideal. This is what Gurdjieff meant by “playing a role,” a practice so often misun­ derstood. Inside we have to recognize our own nothingness and iden­ tify with nothing, and outside we play a role. One supports the other. If we do not outwardly play a role, it is impossible not to be identified. Without being strong inside, it is not possible to be strong outside. Without being strong outside, we cannot be strong inside. The aim is to obtain inner freedom by doing not what we like but what the other person likes. If he likes me to sit on his right, I do it. If at another mo­ ment he prefers the opposite, I do that. In this way I get used to carrying out obligations, a potential attribute of a free man. We have to submit to the forces we wish to serve and at the same time exercise will in our functions. We seek to be present in everything we do. Ordinarily we live in our functions without consciousness or we withdraw toward consciousness without a relation with our functions. But if our effort is clear, we can

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also function with consciousness. For example, right now. If I am asleep in myself and I hand you this box, it is not really “I” who gives it. But if I am present in myself and I wish, I will, to give you the box, then I know what I am doing. I am here. "1” give you the box. I know, I am present. We want to be true to ourselves, to not lose entirely our wish for the higher and yet be able to answer to life. It is my life that I w ill have to live. To be true would mean to ask myself how much I can face this situation. Always more than I think, more than I do. I can be more ac­ tive. I can begin again and again.

V

W ITH OTHERS

The W ork is a special current sustained by a source o f energy that can only be touched by a person who is whole. Others are as necessary f o r us as the teaching itself. Life is relation and working together, cooperation. T he w ork with others is a condition fo r living this teaching. The teaching is the guide, and only he w ho questions more deeply can be responsible to serve. A group creates a possibility o f consciousness in which w hat w e engage is more im portant than w hat we wish to take. The Movements are a way o f living the idea o f Presence.

A SPECIAL C U R R E N T

49. W e say we are “in the W ork" We say that we are “in the Work.” W hat does it mean? The Work is a special current sustained by a source o f energy that can only be touched by a person who is whole. This current consists of a certain energy of thought, of feeling, of action. Its life depends on the individuals enter­ ing it, who are each and all together responsible for what gives it qual­ ity, lucidity. A work together is necessary, cooperation to produce something— like a chain of beings seeking to be more conscious, whose efforts assist one another. Each person joining the chain has to find his place, a place that is determined by his usefulness. Then, by his attitude and actions, he either maintains and vivifies the chain at the place where he is the link, or he falls away and no longer participates in it. The force o f life is always here with its continuous action on me. The higher force is also here, but I am not ready to receive it. It is dif­ ficult by myself to sustain the effort needed to have the required inten­ sity in the different centers. This is the reason a group is necessary. A common work is necessary in order to come to a greater intensity to­ gether. A concentration toward a higher level by a certain number of beings produces a common vibration. The life that comes from this vibration can be a center of attraction, a powerful magnet, which draws others to its movement. This is the force o f monasteries and

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churches, temples and holy places. The more the concentration is con­ scious, the greater the force o f attraction. But in a group, as in oneself, the elements that participate in this concentration must be o f a quality that can come to a certain balance. Otherwise the center and the den­ sity w ill be weak, as w ill the resonance of the unifying shock. Each action taken in the name o f the Work adds or removes a pos­ sibility for the common undertaking. To be related to the Work means to be related to those who feel responsible in front o f it. This relation brings an obligation. The first step is to recognize that there is no con­ scious relation among us and that we must go toward this relation. If we cannot come to relate ourselves consciously, there will be no Work, none at all. Each step we take now, however small, will either strengthen our relation or take us in the opposite direction. Until today we have received the fruits o f the efforts and energy o f those who came before. Now the life of the Work depends on us. The Work w ill not live without us, without our sharing in the responsibility. This requires a total en­ gagement, with all our intelligence, all our willingness. The Work could play its role in the world if we understood the way, the form that is needed to correspond to the state o f things today. We w ill encounter resistance, inner and outer opposition, but we need this. Such resistance can help us find our place, our responsibility, at times in agreement, at times without any relation. Everything depends both on an essential movement in a certain number o f people, a cre­ ative movement within oneself that opens new possibilities, and on another movement that allows an exchange with a larger group. The force and quality of the current we call the Work will depend on what can be lived and what can be received.

so. W hy together? W hy do we come to work together? We feel that if we do not participate in certain conditions, we will be taken by habits and life circumstances in which we w ill be lost. Perhaps here, together, it will be possible to

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experience conditions in which a higher energy can appear in us and around us. We will then become responsible together to serve it. We must understand the necessity of working with others, that others are as necessary for us as the teaching itself. At difficult mo­ ments we think it would be easier to work alone . . . not with these people here, not in these conditions. This shows a total lack o f under­ standing of our way, of the need to see and free ourselves from our self-will, which has nothing to do with real will. We have to step out of the narrow circle of thoughts and feelings in which we are enclosed. We have to escape in order to have the possibility to approach another world and exist in a different way. For this, efforts are necessary. We come together because we each feel the necessity to become conscious of ourselves. So long as I am what I am— that is, think as I think and feel as I feel— I w ill know nothing true, nothing real. I need to become conscious of my way of thinking and feeling, which condi­ tions all my actions. Only the perception o f truth unites. Real work together, cooperation, comes from a common understanding o f truth, from the fact that we each see the truth and feel the necessity to put it into action together. The basis o f this Work is not a special approach, a special method or special conditions. It lies, above all, in opening to another order in oneself and in others. Life is relation and working to­ gether, cooperation, seeing things together, feeling together, living to­ gether. This relation requires the same intensity at the same level and at the same time, or it is not “together.” Each of us is alone and in our self must be alone— alone in front of our understanding, in front o f the call of the divine and the fact of our human person. I become linked with others when I begin to recognize my original nature and see that we all have the same difficulty realiz­ ing it with the whole o f ourselves. This brings a special energy, which allows the action o f a finer, more subtle nature. The energy has the power to call and to irresistibly attract. This represents the true help that we can bring to each other. It is the only help, the only true relation. Every other relation disappoints. But this relation has to be accepted and

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maintained. It requires sincerity and rigor at every moment. Everyone is dependent on one another, responsible for one another. What one brings o f his work the others receive as help, and what another brings of his inertia or opposition pulls in another direction. I may under­ stand the effort less than others, and some may be groping more than others, but it does not matter. The common direction in which we go is recognized. On a deeper level, the work with others is a condition for living this teaching, for playing out the drama Gurdjieff left for us. The way toward inner rebirth requires vigilance, first o f all to counteract the lie in the affirmation of ourselves. It is a decisive test. There must be no compromise with truth. This is why the most important condition, the necessary condition, is to work with others of comparable experience and understanding, who are capable of upending the completely false scale o f values established by personality. We need to see that at the center o f everything is this monstrous proliferation o f our vanity and our egotism, which takes all the room. To work together sincerely would be to understand our nothingness and what a real human rela­ tion would be.

51. T o organize Our work needs to be organized. Efforts that are accidental and anar­ chical w ill lead to nothing. My efforts need to be disciplined and sub­ ject to rules, to laws o f another order above the ordinary level. So long as I do not see the imperative necessity o f submitting to this order, I believe in my ordinary "I” and do not really work, do not advance to­ ward my aim. I have to recognize this necessity. I need to put myself to the test— put my ordinary "I” to the test— in a circle of life where the principal interest is to awaken. For this, at certain moments it is neces­ sary to belong to an organization, to a center where people work in the same direction. To organize means to create an organ, an organism with a pre­ scribed aim. Like every organism, it has to contain in itself the cause

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for its appearance, and manifest this cause in the details o f its organiza­ tion and in all its results. The effects in all its branches, its centers should project something o f the quality o f its cause. He who under­ stands the cause perceives it in all its traces. The organization must contain a sense o f the sacred. This dimension should never be absent. Behind what is visible there must be an intensity that is not perceived from the outside. It is this that produces the miracle, and an organism from which the miracle is excluded is not a living organism. The first requirement o f a living organization is to come together, to unite. We can attain nothing unless the conditions o f “coming to­ gether” are right. Without impatience, without intellectuality, without sentimentality, an event must take place. I need to be called and I need to call. The cause is the same. I need to listen and to hear the call, and I need to bring the call in a way that w ill be received. W hat is needed is a conscious relation sustained by vigilance and the giving up o f my ordinary will in order to work together. I accept or I do not accept this relation with the others. At a certain point there are no leaders and no followers, only those who both question and listen. The teaching is the guide, and only he who questions more deeply can be responsible to serve. W hat each of us understands depends on his level o f being. I must learn to know my own limitations and to recognize when others understand more. When I think of myself and the rest, the others, I realize that oth­ ers please me, make me afraid, threaten me. But I need them. It is by my reactions that I can see both myself and the others, not just me. In order to know what I really am, I must go from discovery to discovery. Liberation is not to be found in judging the “bad" or the “good.” It is in the disappearance of the ego and the union with everything and every­ one. The only bad is ignorance, the only good, awakening. Yet every­ one wants to direct or be directed as he likes, to judge and criticize before seeking to understand. This attitude is fundamentally false. What we have to seek is not to impose an order, but to enter into an order, an order that existed long before us. It is the order that is impor­ tant, not the organization.

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We must understand that our organization exists in life on two levels. One level, which alone gives true meaning, is that of the work, our search, with all the conditions it requires. The other is the official or outer aspect, which is only a cover, nothing more, but which can help us pursue our work without disturbance. This distinction seems easy to understand but in fact is not. I have seen that this official side, organized to meet the image and routine required by life, always re­ claims its rights and tends to impose its structure on the work, that is, to impose a form that responds in no way to its true order of values.

52. A school o f the Fourth W ay A house o f work is like a school based on the principles of this way, this teaching. It is here for a limited time during which certain things need to be accomplished. The house plays its role according to the level of the people who participate there. It may have those who understand that they are not what they should be, but are not convinced that they wish to change their being and do not yet understand the necessity of effort. The house may also have people who are already disappointed with themselves, who no longer believe in their ordinary “I,” and know that their life will take on meaning only when they can make a precise effort to awaken and see their situation. And there can be houses where some have gone still further. Each time the role o f the house in the whole o f the Work is different, depending on the level of the people who participate. Yet we need to understand that the Work w ill never go very far without a center organized to bring the neces­ sary conditions, without a life subject to the principles of the teaching we follow. A school requires both understanding o f its principles of work and discipline based on them. We have to pay for what we receive. This house is like a world within another world. I seek to know and to be what I am. For this my attention is always turned toward myself, toward the perception o f my true nature, which is not the ex­ pression o f my person, my ego. I see my ego expressing itself in my

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thoughts, my desires, my movements. And I try not to be taken by them. I measure myself constantly Because o f this, because I am al­ ways in question, I do not judge the others. I learn to see, to understand without judging. There is no “me” and “you.” There is only manifesta­ tion. I learn to see the laws of the world in which we are living, the laws of manifestation. A basic principle of this school is always to do more than what ordi­ narily we can do. Only this will lead to change. If we do merely what is possible, we stay as we are. It is necessary to do the impossible. This is the difference from ordinary life, in which one only does what is possi­ ble. Another principle is that we intentionally do not rely on a precise form given in advance, so that an active and more conscious search can take place. Our aim is to free ourselves from everything that keeps us attached to an activity, and to develop a kind o f vigilance that w ill allow us to go further. When a form of work is brought, we first receive it as new but afterward repeat it as given. In this repetition we have less and less understanding of the principles that are behind the form. For a form to remain alive, we need always to return to the source, to the truth. Below the Absolute, at all levels, there is remembering and a thirst to turn toward the greater, toward what is. But, as we descend the ladder of involution, forgetting appears and becomes deeper and deeper. Truth of another level can be brought through ideas. This requires knowledge and understanding based on being. There must be knowl­ edge o f the ideas, both of their overall structure and o f the place of each idea within it. Equally important is to have understanding based on personal experience o f the truth contained in the ideas. We have to ourselves be able to live the idea so that what is communicated is its life, not a dead form. The idea is the creator o f everything. It has an extraordinary force that could live in us. We need to understand how to be awakened and enlivened by the ideas, and how to be responsible for the life that is lost when we let them die in us. We have received a lot of ideas, but we are very poor in ideas. This Work is a school for developing a new center o f gravity. Until now the center o f gravity around which our life has turned— whether

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we accept it or not— has been our ordinary "I.” And it is still this “I” that hopes, that evaluates, that judges . . . and all this even in the name o f the Work. So long as my entire psyche turns around this “I,” every­ thing that is manifested— whether I wish it or not— will reflect the authority o f this “I.” Our aim in a school o f the Fourth Way is to be­ come different, to change our being from the level of man number one, two, three to that o f man number four with a new center of grav­ ity, and from the level o f man number four to that of man number five with an indivisible “I.”

E X C H A N G E IN A G R O U P

S3- -A special conditionfo r exchange Our independent efforts, each by ourselves, are insufficient. A group is the beginning o f everything, a group of people seeking to live in a more conscious way. A group can succeed better to maintain the ef­ fort. Some of us are more vigilant, more responsible. We help one an­ other. But the appearance o f this form has to be recognized, not imposed. We have to feel the need for coming together, to be present with others to share a relation o f reciprocal attention. To have a basis for a conscious relation, each member must know and accept himself. Each must feel the need for the group, for a world traversed by a cer­ tain current of thought and feeling. He has to know that he needs it, and must not forget that he needs it. We are, o f course, speaking o f a group formed for work on one­ self that is not on the level o f ordinary life. It is animated by thoughts that are different from those o f ordinary life, and also by different feelings. Its existence has to be marked by events that are essentially different from those o f ordinary life. The first event is the active and committed search for a center o f gravity o f vigilance in oneself. A centered attention may be drawn in different directions, but it always returns to the center. W hen we are dispersed we can learn nothing

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new. This is the "old man,” the automaton who pretends to know, who mouths useless words about ideas that are supposedly under­ stood. The one whose attention is centered seeks to express only the essential about his search and his observations. He is different, a "new man.” We are in a group because we need help to find a quality in our­ selves, a state in which we can experience something real. We need higher influences that are inaccessible when we work alone with our ordinary means. Without the group we cannot come to the necessary intensity. The group is thus a special condition for exchange and a kind o f conduit for higher influences, ideas from a higher level of life. But we must be wholly present. We receive these ideas in the exact mea­ sure that we are present. W hat then is our responsibility? We have an obligation to ex­ change, and to accept and help each one to play his role in the group so that consciousness, the measure o f our actual awareness, deter­ mines everything we do. In becoming conscious of ourselves as a group, w e experience the truth o f our work. It is not right if I only do what I wish in my own way, independent, unwilling to be tested. This shows I am incapable o f confronting m yself and o f relating to the work o f another. It means my work has stopped. If the group does not become conscious o f itself as a group, it cannot know its place and obligations in the Work. It cannot serve, cannot play its role in the Work. The group, the fact that we are together, creates a possibility of consciousness. W hat we engage, what we give, is more important than what we wish to take. Each time the possibility is renewed, we have the opportunity to engage our attention and to serve. This possibility is something great that we must strive to maintain. We have to look at it as precious, as sacred. I am not alone in my work. W hen I decide something for myself, I have to feel my belonging to the group. Its life is greater than my own, and it represents something more on the scale of higher Being.

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54. I need to speak We always begin far away from the essential. Even if we repeat and repeat, we have to think o f the meaning o f what we are doing, o f the meaning of our work and our Presence. It should never be forgotten, but we all the time forget. We lose the meaning and have to come back. We must not pretend and take for granted that the meaning is understood. It is not true. Each time we meet together, the meaning has to be again renewed for oneself. Each time has to be a moment of acute questioning. If I don’t know for myself now what I am doing, what is at stake, what is in question— if I don’t know it each time— something different w ill happen that goes in the opposite direction. My effort has to be clear, what I am looking for has to be clear. Every­ one, together, has to make this Presence appear in himself at the same time. This Presence must become a reality, our common connection above the personal, a reality that we serve and obey. The life of a group depends on our state and on our questions. We ask whatever we wish about our own work. W hat are my difficulties now? What do I need to understand, what do I wish to know? What seems important to speak about in my work? W hen we come together, I must be prepared to speak. I must constantly reflect on my work and not come in a passive state. If I come without being prepared, it has not much sense. If I have no definite aim, we have nothing to speak about. How can we have an exchange? It is impossible. One o f our greatest obstacles is our concept o f question and an­ swer, that is, of the transmission of knowledge sought and passed from one person to another. We think that the questioner is less knowledge­ able and is in effect asking for an answer to dispel his ignorance. And in life, where everyone relies on what is known, it is like this. But in a group the direction is toward the unknown. The questioner is open­ ing the door to the unknown, and the listener is called to an exchange that flows between them, a movement in two directions. Real change of understanding would mean that, with the listener also questioning

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and the questioner really listening, the level of both participants would change. To begin with, if I am in the position o f listener, a change is needed in my state. If I am searching for a more active attention, freer to listen, freer from associations and reactions, there can be a greater possibility to explore the question, to go into it more deeply without being caught in the outer formulation. If my attention is more actively engaged, there can be a participation that permits the exchange to flow in two directions and activates the “hearer” in both questioner and listener. But if this active attention is not being searched for, if I receive the question with my ordinary attention— that is, passively— I respond passively and nothing is exchanged, no matter how clever my words or how strong my emotional force. Instead o f a new quality o f attention and receptivity, permitting the flow of new knowledge in both direc­ tions, there is a one-sided relationship of dependence, already existing and now strengthened. This attitude of dependence, which is mutually harmful, will become more and more fixed, and will not allow the ac­ tivity and freedom necessary for a real exchange. . . . Once I have come to a more concentrated state, I need to speak about my work and my questions, to exchange, always working to be present. My thought is necessary, but only on what I am saying, not on something I have already said or something I w ill say. Only on what I say at the very moment.

55. Real exchange The current practice o f questions and answers is exterior, outside one­ self, both for the questioner and the listener. It is, o f course, necessary that a question appear, but also silence. The question is the opening to silence, the gateway to the unknown. W hat is the new inner condition brought by the question? A false attitude develops in the groups between those who put questions and those who respond. This in effect becomes questionswith-answers or answers-to-questions, not a moment o f presence to­

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gether in pursuit of a new understanding, a new way o f thinking and feeling. Here questioner and listener are relying on some knowledge, and there is an event that does not take place. This is not because noth­ ing could take place— the elements are here— but because what is put forward is not the right material. When I exchange in a group, I need to know to what I am calling the other person, to what participation. At the very moment o f speak­ ing, I may be awkward or insufficient. I do not know what to trust and I agree too easily to lie in affirming a false image o f myself. Neverthe­ less, I need to know the nature o f the cooperative effort in which I am engaged. How can I stay in front of what is in question? How can I understand the other, understand his question and relate it to my own in order to have a real exchange? The most important thing is for me to open to my question and to remain open. We wish to learn together, to open to the unknown. There is an attitude that we must not allow in ourselves, which ruins our work and that o f others. We are here with the others to see our nothingness, which otherwise is too difficult to perceive, and to open to the possibilities in ourselves and with others. This requires a desperate effort to find again our measure between these two things. Instead of this, either with our questions or in our responses, we affirm our ordinary "I” and even presume to teach the others. Nobody can teach. We can only work. And before working we must have taken our measure in order to be convinced o f the effort we have to make. Nobody can ask us to be more than we are. But we have no right in the name of the Work to pretend in front o f others to some­ thing that is not true. Above all I need to work myself, to take my measure. When the others bring questions, it is I who must put a ques­ tion to myself as well as to them. If I am able to respond a little to the question, it is to myself that I am responding. We need to exchange what we have received in order that this ma­ terial remain alive in us. If it is not exchanged, it will not live. But an exchange cannot be unilateral. At the moment o f exchange, I need to be in question myself, open to my inquiry, truly living it, sensitive to all

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my own reactions and to those of the others sharing my experience. In this moment, thirsting to be free enough to obey the law of the highest force and aware o f my incessant reactions, I know what I am. I know my weakness. Yet if I see that the sense o f my life is here, only here, I have a constant direction for my effort, an effort to be a responsible in­ dividual. All the rest— for example, that I know more than others— is in the realm of dreams.

56. This form We begin to understand better that this work requires certain condi­ tions, depends on certain conditions. One o f these is that we unite our efforts. We depend on other human beings who either feel the problem o f existing more deeply than we do, or who are questioning on the same level as ourselves. The need we each have depends on the truth o f our work. In fact, we depend tremendously on one another. We can do nothing without one another. The exchange we can have together is more necessary than our daily bread. We make efforts alone— we struggle alone, suf­ fer alone, respond alone. But a moment comes when exchange is indis­ pensable, when we need to nourish one another with the fruits of our efforts. And without this exchange, we cannot go further. The more we value our existence, the more the question o f relation appears. Only in the beginning is it necessary to create groups artificially with a leader answering questions. For a definite time, a work of pen­ etration can only take place in coming together in this way. Later the organism forms itself naturally among those of the same level who together feel the need. As we go further, the need for conscious ex­ change becomes more urgent. We may work separately, each making efforts alone. Yet at certain moments it is imperative to come together to verify and exchange, and in order, by a certain common effort, for truth to emerge more strongly. There is a time for everything. I speak o f the form that our work today has taken, o f groups, and of the possibility that has been created.

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If this possibility is not sufficiently realized, this form w ill degenerate by itself and w ill never give birth to a new, more inner form, with a new possibility. Forms do not invent themselves. They arise from the need to work together that certain elements feel is necessary to pre­ serve their existence. How much more time should this form last? This depends on the depth of work of a certain number o f people, and the relation estab­ lished between them— the quality o f their exchange. I need to collabo­ rate in a common effort of ascent. If I do not, whether or not I wish it, I am responsible for the stone I do not bring to the edifice. So, we have to reflect deeply on our work together, which little by little must mani­ fest itself in our lives. We must reflect on our relation, on the form of our life together, and, above all, on our exchange.

W O R K IN M O V E M E N T S

57. A double aim In man, as in the universe, everything is in movement. Nothing stays still or remains the same. Nothing lasts forever or ends completely. All that lives evolves or declines in an endless movement of energy. The laws underlying this universal process were known to ancient science, which assigned man his proper place in the cosmic order. According to Gurdjieff, sacred dances, handed down over the centuries, embodied the principles o f this knowledge, allowing it to be approached in a dy­ namic and direct way. All the manifestations o f life in man are expressed in forms by movements and attitudes, that is, postures. From the most ordinary to the highest level, each possible manifestation has its own movement and its own attitude. A thought has a movement and a form that is proper to it. A feeling has a movement and a form proper to it. For an action it is the same. Our entire education consists precisely in learning a whole repertoire o f attitudes o f thinking and feeling, and attitudes of moving. This repertoire constitutes our automatism. But we do not know it. And there is a language here that we do not understand. We believe that we are conscious and that our movements are free. We do not see that each movement is a response, a response to the shock o f an impression. Scarcely has the impression reached us than

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the answering movement is set off, usually long before we are aware of it. The awareness comes afterward. This whole event takes place sud­ denly, and nothing in us is quick or sensitive enough to perceive it at the very moment it happens. Whatever the answering movement may be, wherever it comes from, it has inevitably been conditioned by the automatism o f our associations, by all the habits and clichés engraved in our mem ory We have nothing else with which to respond. So our life is an endless repetition of accumulated memories. But as we remain unaware of this, our movements appear to us to be free. In fact, we are prisoners of our attitudes of thinking, feeling and moving, as though caught in a magic circle from which we cannot es­ cape. In order to get out, I would need to be able to take a new attitude— to think otherwise, to feel otherwise, to act otherwise, all at the same time. But, without my knowing it, these three are interconnected and, as soon as I try to change one, the others intervene and I cannot escape. My automatism keeps me on a very ordinary level of thinking and feeling. The Gurdjieff Movements represent notes o f an octave on a differ­ ent level than that on which we live automatically. They lead the en­ ergy o f our functions in an ascending direction, to a quality of vibrations o f equal intensity in all the centers. A certain succession of movements has been foreseen to demand a special attention of thought, of the mind. Without this attention the process w ill not be able to con­ tinue. Thus the thought must be maintained with a certain quality, a certain intensity. But it is the body that performs the movement. To execute it and express its life fully, the body needs a great freedom. It needs to adapt itself entirely. The least resistance o f the body will pre­ vent the thought from following the order o f the movement. If this quality in the thought and body cannot be maintained, the movement will not follow the necessary direction. It w ill be broken, purposeless. In front o f the demand, the feeling awakens. The appearance o f the feeling brings a new intensity, a unification that creates in us a particu­ lar current, a new octave. These Movements have a double aim. By requiring a quality o f at­ tention maintained on several parts at the same time, they help us to

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get out of the narrow circle o f our automatism. And through a strict succession o f attitudes, they lead us to a new possibility o f thinking, feeling and action. If we could truly perceive their meaning and speak their language, the Movements would reveal to us another level of understanding.

58. W hy Movements? We do not ask ourselves why Gurdjieff introduced the Movements as one o f the most important practices for living his teaching. W hy Movements? Some embodied a very high knowledge, representing laws. Others were given simply because his pupils needed to work in a certain way. For some periods Gurdjieff devoted several hours each day to Movements, adapting them to correspond to the phase o f the work. For example, at times it was the sensation o f the body that was not developed, and the attention could not remain on the body. At other times, it was the thought that was not free and could not be open to a subtle energy. The exercises required the attention to be turned in a certain way and to follow a certain path. This brought an experience o f a different quality, which allowed the pupil to under­ stand better and see how to find this quality in life. At the same time, work on Movements allowed a direct experience o f the laws govern­ ing the transformation o f energy. This included the symbol of the Enneagram, which Gurdjieff said was almost impossible to understand without the feeling brought by participating in the Movements that are based on it. The universe consists of energies that pass through us. Each move­ ment inside and outside us is a passage o f energy. The energy goes where it is called. We cannot prevent it. We are subject to the forces that surround us. Either we are related to an energy that is a little higher, or we are taken by an energy that is lower. We are not a unity, we are not one. Our energy needs to be contained in a closed circuit, in which it could be transformed. This would allow it to enter into con­

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tact with energies of the same quality to form a new circuit, a new current. So long as a current of higher energy is not established in me, I have no freedom. There is an energy that comes from a higher part o f the mind. But we are not open to it. It is a conscious force. The attention is a part of this force that must be developed. Without this force I am taken, and my movements are automatic. The head may understand but not the body. Yet it is the body that must feel this force. Then it will obey, ten­ sions will fall away, and the movements can be free. I w ill not be taken and the movements will not be merely automatic. Consciousness of movement requires total attention. The quality of this attention calls us to experience a whole Presence. This perfect attention is a possibility given by Nature. At the moment o f a particu­ lar movement we no longer think o f the movement past or the move­ ment to come. We are not trying to express the form o f a movement, an attitude that we make ourselves assume. We are entirely attentive to an energy that needs to be free to remain contained in the body in a certain way. One can know it only in subjecting oneself to it. The Movements can show us how to be in life, how to experience Presence and at the same time have a freer movement in manifesta­ tion. Instead o f endless reactions— the conditioned responses o f our automatism— there is the possibility o f action coming from vision, from a conscious force that is higher. The Movements are a way o f liv­ ing the idea of Presence. The idea alone is not enough. There needs to be an action that brings the energy we are talking about. Through the Movements, when all the energies within us are related, a new energy is produced. We can feel it. It has another quality, another force, and a consciousness that ordinarily we do not have. This energy comes from my mind, from a higher part of my mind where there is an intelli­ gence, a capacity o f seeing. I need to be in relation with this part o f my mind. Then I w ill have a vision that is absolutely clear. I see myself. I see other people. I see what is, very clearly, without reaction. I see my­ self as I am.

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59. Part o f the teaching The Movements are part, only a part, of the teaching about the possible transformation o f energies in us and the sense of human life. They ex­ press the teaching in a language where each gesture, each attitude, each sequence has a specific role and meaning. We cannot understand the Movements apart from the teaching, and we cannot rightly practice them with our automatic thinking and feeling. They call for the partici­ pation of my whole Presence. I must open to an energy that could have its own life in me. Then it is the body o f energy, the Presence, that is in movement. Unless this Presence is here, the Movements are done auto­ matically. Even if we think they are done well, they express nothing and are meaningless. This kind o f practice is a total distortion and has noth­ ing to do with the Movements as they were created. Those who accept the responsibility to bring the Movements to others are in a difficult position. We repeat certain Movements and try to maintain an interest. But we do not really know what we are doing. We cling to a form that is empty of meaning. We need an experience that we have not lived, an experience o f Presence, and of Presence in movement. In fact, we have a very limited understanding o f both the teaching and the language of the Movements. It w ill require years in order to develop the necessary attention. Then, what would be a right attitude today if we wish to serve the Work? What is required to bring a Movement to others? First, we our­ selves need to have done the Movement and we need to know both its structure— the succession o f attitudes— and its rhythm, its life. Then we demand, of ourselves and others, correct attitudes and a clear vi­ sion of their succession. The positions must be exact. Without preci­ sion our work is superficial. Finally, we have to see in ourselves what the attitudes correspond to and find the right tempo to make the Move­ ment alive. O f course, there are always questions. Is it necessary to simplify this Movement and learn one limb after the other? Do we need to begin with an exercise that introduces aspects of the Move­ ment? W hat w ill have the most effect on the attention? What sort of

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demand must be brought, and how? Should something extra be said, remembering always that words provoke thinking and encourage the head to “do” the Movement? And always, what is this Movement, to what does it call? Each time, before beginning a class, we must take a moment for ourselves to remember what we wish to serve, in what we place our trust. The most important thing is my state. I need a con­ scious attention that is stronger than the automatism. Without vision, without seeing, it is just the ego that brings or does the Movement. In each Movement there is a succession o f attitudes composing a whole, which has to be carried out without mistake. The whole Move­ ment needs to be foreseen simultaneously by our functions during a definite time when everything in us is still. The succession of attitudes reflects the line of developing forces and the state o f relation between the centers of energy. Simply repeating a Movement reinforces the au­ tomatism and our tendency to rely on the body without the engage­ ment of the thought. So, exercises and concentrating on parts of a Movement are important not only to introduce the Movement but to work on aspects of the attention that need to be developed. At the same time, because each Movement expresses a whole— has its meaning as a whole— we need also to allow the class to experience the Movement in its entirety. We need to see that different positions and tempos represent differ­ ent states of energy. For example, when the right arm makes a circle, the continuity expresses a quality o f thought that is quiet and does not move; if the left arm maintains a rhythm with a series o f positions, it has a different tempo and represents a different energy in the body. We also have to learn how different attitudes affect the disposition of en­ ergy in us. When I have taken a certain attitude to allow the energy to circulate freely the length of the spine, a change in the attitude alters the disposition because the direction of the energy changes. If I lower my head, for example, the current no longer passes in the same way; it goes back down. If I put my hand on the chest, I keep the current in this area. If I raise the head, I receive the energy from above. If I put my arm forward, I stop the flow. If I then raise the forearm, keeping the elbow

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in the same position, I am ready to receive the influx of energy. And if I put the arm down, the energy is received and stored in the body. We have to be very careful in changing the Movements, particularly the order o f attitudes that expresses a law. Each attitude, each gesture, has its place, its length, its proper weight. If there is a mistake or if some­ thing new is introduced, the whole meaning can be distorted. We have a tendency to imagine, to let senseless ideas, images and emotions come into our attitudes. But what may take place is more seri­ ous, that is, the experience of the flow of energy producing the state intended by the one who created the Movement. It is a science, a knowl­ edge— the most fundamental of all— which can only be obtained by stages, beginning with the relation between centers in action. It has to be decoded and studied in place, in giving oneself to the practice.

60. Only with a stable Presence We are not going to “do” Movements. We are going to try to under­ stand movement. W hat is movement? H ow do we put ourselves in movement? From where do our movements come? We understand movement in a static way, one attitude followed by another, seeing only the outcome without being able to follow the movement itself. We never feel the movement. We see the image of a position and begin to move in this direction. But the movement is me­ chanical. The position is taken without our knowing how, totally di­ rected by our automatism. And we take each position separately instead o f passing from one to another as with notes in a line o f music. Never­ theless, what we are is energy in movement, a continuous movement that never stops. We need to feel the energy and follow the movement, letting it flow without the thought intervening in any way. We have to feel this energy as a Presence that must not go away. Then the move­ ment is being done under a vision. It is still automatic, but the vision has an action. The movement is freer. Before beginning any Movement, I must find this energy, this state in which there is a relation between the mind and the body. The feel­

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ing comes by itself. The movement is an expression o f this state. W ith­ out this state, from where will my movement come? At first, I try to open to an energy that comes from a little higher than my head, and that passes in me. This allows a consciousness that I otherwise do not know. I need to keep it within me, while at the same time my body is in movement. The two need to be absolutely together. This energy is more important than anything else. I am in movement, but the energy remains the same and is stronger than the movement. In order to stay related to this energy, I need to be in a rhythm of a certain intensity and strength. I am “in a rhythm”— what does it mean? Not that one part is in one rhythm and another in another, nor that I do one position in the rhythm but not the next. The energy is everywhere the same. We do not accept that there is no relation between the thought and the body. The thought turns around and goes its own way. The body does not care and waits for something to be asked o f it. For a relation to appear, there needs to be a movement from one toward the other. The relation creates a new energy, which needs to become a Presence that is stable, like a second body. The work has different stages. But for now the whole work is in this, although there w ill be another stage after the second body has been formed. In order to have this relation, I need to develop an attention that I do not now have, a voluntary atten­ tion. If I will, I can— if I truly will. When this attention, this vision, is developed, my body w ill obey because it feels a force that is greater, and that will bring it something greater. The effort of relation between the centers, which the Movement requires, brings the energy neces­ sary for the formation o f higher bodies. The Movements thus bring the element of shock in a right way. It is this that may allow us to pass the interval between si and do, which otherwise may never be passed. Only if we have a Presence that is stable, a second body, will we be able really to do the Movements as they were intended.

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T O BE C E N T E R E D

We have to fin d a way toward unity. Our aim is to be centered in the sense o f a concentration o f our energies and o f finding the center o f our being. In order to become whole, a unity, I must be centered. For my being to emerge, there must be a quality in my sensation that is equal everywhere, a unity o f vibrations, so that a state without waves appears. The center o f gravity is the seat o f unity. I participate in life through breathing. The perceptible breath is not the true breath, that is, the current which anim ates inhalation and exhalation.

A SENSE OF T H E W H O L E

61. The aim o f my effort We are divided between a movement inward o f coming back to our­ selves, to our essential nature, and a movement toward the outside. We are engaged sometimes with one, sometimes with the other, and do not succeed in living the two simultaneously. This becomes a kind of opposition, a contradiction, and we spend our lives seeking a way of living in which this tension could be resolved. We need a new approach to this problem, one that does not risk the totality o f our being. We have to find a way toward unity. This would include all the centers and functions at the service o f the one life force. It would mean that on both sides something is undertaken, something is recognized. These two movements are indispensable to each other. The life force cannot act without me, but I have to give up all pretense o f being anything whatsoever by myself, o f being able to act independently without it. Our lives always revolve around a force that strives to be actual­ ized. Yet the force and what is actualized have a different meaning de­ pending on the "I” that is involved. In facing life, I am driven by the force o f my ego. I take my life as a web o f relations viewed from a cen­ ter. I feel this center— it is me. I call this center “I,” and it is from here that I think and feel. The notion o f “ I” takes up all the room, and comes back even in my better moments o f work. In this it is always a single

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part o f me that takes over— sometimes my thought, sometimes my emotion, perhaps my body They never act together. There is no sense o f the whole. To be centered means to abdicate, for each part has to renounce the pretense that it is the whole, that it sees and directs the whole. It is as though I submit to an order that is greater, an order on a cosmic scale, and all my parts accept to serve it, to remain voluntarily passive in front of it. My body, my feeling and my head let go. I feel a finer en­ ergy in me that moves downward toward its source, as if needing to concentrate again before going back up to nourish the other centers. It is a movement o f circulation, o f constant balance and relation. For this I need my functions, but a functioning that has no roadblocks. I need my thinking— but not just thoughts, words and images that capture the pure energy o f the thinking and make it passive. I need my feel­ ing— but not a feeling taken by images to which it is passively attached. And I need my body, free o f any tension that holds back the energy. I see that I need the help o f my functions, which otherwise w ill become an insurmountable obstacle. Without their help, I cannot open to the Presence in myself. In my usual state, my attention is not voluntary. It is o f low quality, without power, and flows passively toward the outside. But this atten­ tion has the possibility o f being transformed, o f achieving a purer qual­ ity by maintaining a direction recognized as necessary. By the force of my attention actively turned inward, the movement o f energy changes. Instead o f going outside, it concentrates within until it forms the center o f gravity of my Presence. My whole effort, my whole work, is to main­ tain this direction— to maintain a body so relaxed that the energy does not leave, a thinking turned toward myself so vigilant that its very presence sustains the stillness o f my body, and a feeling of what wants to be recognized, o f what is here, a feeling o f "I." It is an effort o f atten­ tion coming from all the parts o f myself— to purify the attention in order to concentrate on “I." In this effort I discover a way of function­ ing that is no longer passive, a work in which the functions are called to obey the movement o f attention.

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My whole struggle, the aim o f my effort, is to come to a certain unity. I can have a more conscious state only at the moment when my centers are balanced and the links between them are maintained by the attention. The different parts o f my Presence must learn to work together in the same direction, engaged toward the same aim, to re­ ceive the same impression. I see that my vision and understanding, my intelligence, depend on this state of Presence. When I am attentive to this Presence, I feel its life, a mysterious life that relates me with every living thing in the world. My vision o f myself is related to the whole.

62. The first feeling o f unity Gurdjieff taught that within the physical body there are finer sub­ stances that interpenetrate one another and, under certain conditions, can form an independent second or even third body. The physical body works with these substances, but they do not belong to it and do not crystallize in it. Its functions are analogous to those of the higher bod­ ies but are significantly different, specifically in the separation between the emotional and intellectual functions. As we are, everything is gov­ erned by the first body, which itself is governed by external influences. In it the feelings, though dependent on accidental shocks, occupy the place o f the second body, and the thought corresponds to the functions of the third body. W hen there are other bodies, the control emanates from the higher body, from the consciousness o f the higher body. There is an indivisible and permanent "I," an individuality that domi­ nates the physical body and triumphs over its resistances. And there is consciousness instead o f mechanical thinking, with will as a power is­ suing from consciousness. As I am, I am defenseless against influences acting on the ordinary level because I am not centered in myself. Being passive, my different centers are necessarily at the mercy o f whatever ordinary shock makes them vibrate. But when there is a center o f gravity for my functions, an axis, I can receive shocks from another level. So long as my attention remains consciously fixed on this center o f gravity, I am invulnerable

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to the pull o f the ordinary level. The shocks from outside do not affect me because their vibration is slower than that o f my concentration. At the same time, a vivifying shock from another level communicates to my centers a quicker vibration, which has the effect of cohesion and unification. When I am quiet, I feel strongly that I am one, that I am whole. I begin to feel that behind all the movements o f my ordinary "I” there is something in me that remains stable, like an axis maintaining a certain balance. I have an intuition o f a vibration that is totally different in its intensity. It is difficult to attune myself to its resonance, to attune the slow and incoherent vibrations that are moving me. But I listen, and am sensitive to these different qualities. And the more I listen and am sensitive, the more the resonance appears like an underlying sound, a fundamental sound as if in the background, which becomes irresist­ ible. The other vibrations undergo a change, as though the discordant notes attune themselves and the movement quickens by itself. Here, nothing w ill take place unconsciously. I can only consent and wish consciously— will consciously— to be the site o f this metamorphosis. This is what I serve, the purpose of my life. To understand this brings the act o f letting go, a quieting of all my tensions to correspond to the essential vibration. I need to understand what I wish. I need an awak­ ened sincerity for this blending to take place. Something has to make room. This opening to Presence requires an attention that is voluntary and sustained by my whole being. I must find in myself a wish and a power o f attention, a will, that goes beyond my usual capacity. It is a “super-effort,” a conscious effort. I have to remain conscious of being a unity while I manifest, remaining related inside and at the same time relating myself outside. The effort is to realize the relation between the functions and the higher parts o f the centers, which brings me the first feeling o f unity, of being a whole. It requires a voluntary attention concentrated at the point of division o f the forces, and held there. This depends on my feeling o f “I,” my feeling o f Presence. I need to know myself as a whole and to express myself as a whole, that is, to be a whole.

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But this need for unity can only come if I have sufficiently understood that I live partially, that I am taken all the time in one or another part o f myself. When all the ordinary functions participate in self­ remembering, there can be an opening toward the higher centers, an opening that comes from the refinement of the attention.

63. Centered through consciousness No conscious movement is possible unless we are centered in an inner form that corresponds to our double nature. Our centers have to be related and permeable to an essential energy that is beyond their un­ derstanding. But though we wish it, we do not have this relation or this permeability, so our actions are never conscious. We view the world outside in terms of our self-love, our ego, which is the center o f gravity of our state. As such, it distorts the meaning o f our perceptions and enslaves us. We do not behave like a living being, a being alive in itself. There is only self-love. We do not know what it is to love. We recognize that our functions can exist without consciousness, and we begin also to realize that consciousness can exist without func­ tions. We need always to return to our aim: to be centered in ourselves through consciousness. This is both our possibility as human beings and our risk. We may find our true selves, as well as fail. I begin to see that I live torn between two realities. On the one hand, there is the reality o f my existence on the earth, which limits me in time and space, with all its threats and opportunities for satisfaction. On the other hand, there is a reality o f being that is beyond this exis­ tence, a reality for which I have a nostalgia. It calls to our conscious­ ness, across all the disappointments and misfortunes, to lead us to serve Being, to serve the "divine” in ourselves. If my life is lived only to subsist, the essential being is veiled, obscured. Even if I subsist in an intelligent, reasonable way, I do not see the true sense o f my life— I have no direction. I am entirely drawn toward outer existence and thus prevented from becoming conscious o f my authentic being. On the other hand, if I feel another reality, under the force o f this impression

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I forget my life and withdraw into isolation. Thus the world claims me without caring about inner life, and my being calls me without caring about the demands o f worldly existence. These are two poles of one larger Self, one same Being. I need to find a state in which I am more and more open and obedient to an essential force in me, and at the same time able to express this force and let it do its work in the world. If I consider my state right now, I see that I have no real center of gravity, no real “I.” I have a habit o f calling my body and my other func­ tions "I” or "me.” But I do not have an "I” that is true and always the same, that does not change, an "I" that could will— not desire, not hope, but will. The different parts o f me are not related to each other. My feel­ ing does not experience what my head thinks, and my head does not think what my body senses. Their intensity is different, and they do not have a common aim. They are occupied personally, each for itself with its own desire. My thoughts, emotions and sensations never stop. Considering them as real, I give my attention to them. I am taken and cut off. At times I touch another reality, a reality felt as a void, empty o f my ordi­ nary “I.” Then I feel a wish to know, to be free to enter into contact with this reality. I feel the need for coming together. And as soon as I feel this, letting go takes place in me, a liberation. It is as though a space opens, and in this space the energy comes together to form a whole. Suddenly I feel myself as another being. This moment of unity is a complete change in my consciousness o f myself. Nothing remains of my usual way o f thinking and feeling. The possibility o f inner growth is o f opening to a new functioning that can connect the different centers. The thought needs to become independent in order to keep the idea o f self-remembering, a remem­ bering that passes to the moving center, then to the emotional center, and from there connects with the higher centers. For this there must be an inner center of gravity. I need to see what this requires.

A N I N N E R C E N T E R OF G R A V I T Y

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64. O u r vital center

To awake to myself, to what I am, would mean to find the center of gravity and source of my energies, the root of my being. I always forget my origin. And because o f this, all my notions o f what I am are dis­ torted. The first necessity is to see that I am always losing contact with this source. So long as my essential need is other than to know and to love this source more than anything else, it is my ego that is directing my life and my force. It does this without my even noticing, and all my endeavors, whatever they may be, are conditioned by its appetites, even what I call my "work.” Right work on oneself, according to Gurdjieff, begins with the cre­ ation of a permanent center o f gravity. This distinguishes the stage of being that he called man number four. This is someone who awakes to himself and asks, "W ho am I?” He sees that he does not know he ex­ ists, nor how he exists. He sees he is living in a dream and feels a need to know his own reality. He begins to separate things in himself, the real from the imaginary, the conscious from the automatic. Unlike man number one, two or three, he sees with a certain clarity, he knows his situation. The forces in him begin to take a direction, the direction of a center of gravity o f attention. To know himself has become the most important aim, the center of gravity of his thought and interest. He

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wishes to see himself as he is. His center o f gravity is a question, a ques­ tion that does not let him sleep. And in order to know himself, he strug­ gles to bring his attention to the point where he can divide it between a Presence that he tries to sustain and a manifestation in which he is lost. This requires a vigilance that can be maintained only if all the centers work with the same intensity. He must sense, think and feel at the same time, with no one center having dominance. If the balance is broken, the effort toward consciousness stops. Man number four is one who strug­ gles to be able to establish a link between his essence and his functions. Our aim is to be centered, centered both in the sense o f concentrat­ ing our energies and in the sense o f finding the center o f our being, the vital center o f our force. We first concentrate the energy, and then see why this center is necessary. From here I can maintain a right relation with all the parts o f myself and follow their movements without being lost in them. W hen I am centered, it is possible to have a contact with the source o f my life that is constantly renewed. I do not have to make this contact. I have to allow it to be revealed to me, with an attitude that is never sure o f itself and that always makes room for the inner being. I make room in experiencing a sense o f emptiness, o f occupying another space. In order to be “individual,” one must be present at the source itself, at the center where the force has not yet taken a direction, where it has no form. If I could come to this point where my attention is awake before the mobilization o f my energy, a new understanding and a new power would perhaps appear. Today I cannot. My ordinary, passive at­ tention only perceives my energy when it is disintegrated, engaged in some reaction or other. The energy is far from its source, and there is no use struggling not to lose it. Nevertheless, I can understand this situation and accept it as my present reality.

65. Situating the center o f gravity We need to find a balance between tension and letting go. I do not suc­ ceed in knowing myself because I try to know myself as immobile,

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static. But I am energy that is constantly moving, either toward the inside or toward the outside. The movements come from my different centers. When the movements go toward the outside, the relation with the inside is broken and there is no inner support, no center o f gravity. There is tension that seems like a wall. W hen the movements go to­ ward the inside, the tension disappears but makes room for a slackness that very often ends up in passivity. I do not know how to engage outside, and I do not know how to live inside. I do not know the laws o f life. The engagement and return of my energy— the tensing and letting go— take place without sense, order or verification. There is no balance between them and no aim. Inside, my attention, my will, is always passive. At the same time, my body and my functions are active. So long as this relation remains as it is— inwardly passive, outwardly active— no new possibility w ill ap­ pear. I have to feel the necessity to change this relation so that my body and my functions accept a state of voluntary passivity. This can take place only if I actively situate the center o f gravity o f my attention, the voluntary attention of my whole Presence, the echo o f "I.” A certain sensation appears and, with the need to let it spread, there is a letting go that takes place by itself. The sensation becomes definite. It is as if I make room for something essential, or rather an essential Presence makes itself felt in my whole body. I see that I have a constant tendency to interfere, to fix and hold on to this sensation, which hardens it and takes away its life. So I must return to a level, a depth in myself where, without interfering, the balance between the sensation and the letting go is really possible. There is a special tempo. Then a unity appears, not by constraint but through understanding the forces at play. A conscious attention, coming in part from a new feeling, relates the sensation and the letting go. At the beginning I have a tendency to experience this sensation predominantly in the solar plexus or in the head. But with the letting go, the sensation expands and takes the form of a whole Presence that is rooted in the abdomen. Gurdjieff always pointed to this place as the center o f gravity o f the being, the point where the second body is

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attached to the first. I let my energy flow toward this center of gravity, which is a support for the entire upper part of the body. It is also the support for my thought and feeling. As soon as I am centered, I feel my thought is free, my feeling is free. From this center, in a wholly natural way, I can stay in contact with all the parts of myself. I am in an atti­ tude o f balance. This is maintained by the sensation, which is renewed as an act o f obedience to the Presence whose law I wish to feel. My body is entirely inhabited. It is animated by the Presence, which at this moment is stronger than the body, stronger than the thoughts or desires. My Presence is as total as it can be. The usual “I” no longer judges and evaluates. I am no longer directed by it. Another “I” appears that is capable o f opening progressively to a sense o f the higher centers. I feel more stable. In order to experience truly this Presence, I need to adopt a precise inner and outer posture, an attitude that allows a contact with the very source o f life from which I come.

66. Becoming second nature W hen there is disharmony between inner force and outer form, the true relation in oneself is missing. Either there is an excess of life force that drives everything outward, or an exaggerated accumulation, with a defense o f self that is overly rigid. If too much force goes to manifes­ tation, we feel that our inner form is lost and that we are without inner order or direction. Our movements are unchecked, without coordina­ tion. If protection o f the self is too strong, the movements are inhib­ ited. The force held in check seems too powerful for what contains it. In either case, we feel the lack o f an active center, a third element that could resolve the disharmony between outer form and inner life, and make a whole being of me. If there were a center of gravity, the outer manifestation would express a life that would again and again reani­ mate the whole. In order to experience a center o f gravity, I have to feel a demand at every instant and to receive the impression o f the life in me. For this

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there must be submission, an acceptance o f its action. I must constantly make room for it. This is a struggle to free a space so that the impres­ sion of this force can remain and allow me not to be subject to forces from outside. In practicing, I develop a faculty to recognize wrong at­ titudes and to correct them. This must become an ever-present part of my daily life. It is my submission to life. The most difficult thing to attain is submission o f the mind. Voluntary passivity always brings suffering for the ego, which can accept it only for very short moments. As soon as I approach the void, a thought or emotion comes from my self-centered “I” and cuts the state. The waves break and invade everything. I wish to experience this center o f gravity, but I never let myself entirely feel its weight, its density. There is always a certain tension, a tendency to displace upward. From being relaxed and soft, I become tense and hard. My w ill to do, my ego, has again taken over. I no longer trust the living force I experience in this center o f gravity. I again trust only “me.” Even if I begin to feel the reality of this life emerging, I have no control over either my tension or my letting go. And I cannot con­ sider them simultaneously. Either I tense or I relax. Yet there is one complete movement. These tw o are the movement of life in me. Ten­ sion is not opposed to relaxation, and relaxation is not opposed to ten­ sion. They follow a rhythm whose purpose is to preserve the living form I seek. What is difficult to understand is the attitude I need in order to let go, the respect that alone will allow an opening that is un­ conditional. I always want to take or receive what is owed me, instead of letting go in order to feel the Presence of being, a divine Presence. I do not let this Presence act on me. Only if I have struggled for unity over a long time can I understand how difficult it is to redress the adverse effects o f these tensions. This is because they involve the whole of myself. In each tension, however small, the whole is engaged. And if the tension has become fixed, ac­ cess to my being is blocked. Nevertheless, true letting go will appear when I am able to feel the secret source o f energy in myself, the source from which my “I” will grow without my intervention. It w ill hold me

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in a new form, very different from that o f my habitual tensions, an in­ ner form in which all the parts o f myself are integrated. It will give me a sense of myself, o f my true individuality. My aim is to become whole, a unity. Only then can I know what is necessary for the whole. For this I must be centered. Tirelessly I turn again and again toward my center of gravity. What is only occasional today must become second nature. Without tension, the energy is lib­ erated in a downward movement o f letting go. The totality is no longer threatened. I discover a law under whose influence I wish to remain. This is the Law o f Three, which can make a new being o f me.

67. M y trueform We have to find an inner order, an inner form. For this the attitude of the body must be controlled. In a body whose form is controlled, the inner form can be established. W hen I work in the quiet, I do not let m yself begin without an order being established around my center of gravity. I hold myself straight and in balance, supple and without ten­ sion. It is not physical relaxation I seek, but to abandon my persistent ego, which is always eager for authority and has not yet recognized its master. I must be seated not only in a different posture, I must be seated as a different person. When I am situated in my center of grav­ ity, there is no ego that imprisons me. What is necessary to under­ stand, above all, is a movement downward to become immersed again in the source, the wellspring o f my life. I need constantly to return and submit to the force o f life, the one true life, o f which I am a part. I need to let the reality o f Being emerge, to let the unity of what I am be cre­ ated in me. I repeat the letting go o f my tensions, of my ordinary "I,” which is in constant motion and does not like to be part o f a whole. The chest, the shoulders . . . everything is relaxed. The concentration o f force in the abdomen sustains the whole torso. Everything is subject to the law of this inner order. I come to silence and unity in myself. I see that for my being to emerge, there must be a quality in my sensation that is

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equal everywhere, a unity of vibrations so that a state without waves can appear. Then I feel raised up, liberated from the form o f my habit­ ual tensions, which express the “I.” I am beyond it, aware of my inner and outer attitude as my true form, my personal form through which circulates my essence. I feel the force o f life, free o f all fear. I am no longer afraid of losing myself. I am. This force is irresistible. It is not my force, but I am in it. The force and I are one, provided I obey its law. This means a transformation in all my inner and outer attitudes. If I cannot practice and then transform my attitudes, nothing w ill remain of the impression touching my being once the experience is over, and I w ill again fall under the power o f my ego, my tyrant. Each tension represents a movement away from unity and brings with it a need for letting go, and each relaxation contains a risk o f deviation and brings a need for tension. Behind this law, the whole o f me is in play, the bal­ ance in question at every moment. What I exercise is not my body, not my functions. It is the whole be­ ing. I do not look at my body from outside with my intellect. The body is the seat, the base of my life, inseparable from the whole. It must be perceived from within. I wish to trust life, trust this irresistible power centered in my abdomen. I seek an attitude, a way of being, in which my center of gravity is imperturbable. For this, the abdomen must be filled with the force of the whole body. If it is not full of energy, the body has no center of gravity and is overwhelmed from the outside. It loses its meaning as a bearer o f life. The muscles below the navel are lightly tensed. This brings a certain concentration of force at this place, which needs to be activated by energy coming from all the parts. If my posture is right, the base of the trunk becomes solid like a rock and the abdomen supports the whole upper body, which remains free. There must be no contradiction between the two. One does not deny the other. They are indispensable to each other. The force from above descends toward the center of gravity that supports it. It is necessary to relax the chest and not let it become tense. There must be no duality in the body. The neck is important. If one holds the head badly, the head and the trunk will be separate and will not have the same center of gravity.

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I do not try anxiously to do these things one after the other. I try to feel the unity in this attitude, and to appreciate this sensation of unity. Then all distinctions between subjective and objective, inner and outer, are left behind. So long as I obey this new order and place myself under its influence, I have a new form. I see that the center of gravity is the seat o f unity. W hen all my energy is concentrated here, I open to a new sphere o f consciousness.

BREATHING

68. A n imperceptible current I learn to distinguish two currents o f vibration. One comes from thoughts and emotions, and holds me on a lower level. The other is a more subtle current which can awaken and animate other zones of thinking and feeling. I cannot come to a new understanding so long as I have not experienced over a long time the difference between these two currents and their influence on my being. Their action on me de­ pends on the passive acquiescence I give to the first current, or, on the contrary, the conscious vigilance I bring to the second. Through the breathing, by opening voluntarily to a mysterious life-giving force, I can become conscious of this finer current, which opens me to possi­ bilities latent in myself. I participate in life through breathing. I feel I am in my breathing. It is the way I exist. But I do not trust it. I do not let myself breathe naturally. I inhale but I never exhale fully. I want to intervene, unable to accept this movement o f life as it is. I need to observe whether I breathe from the chest or from lower down, from the diaphragm, and see what is not right with my breath­ ing. I do not let the breathing take place freely: either I resist or I force it to be more complete. In both cases it is an intervention. And even if I know what is needed and try, I never succeed completely in letting it

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be. Even w h e n I believe I am sim ply w a tch in g the breath in g, I inter­ vene. It is m y w a y o f w a tch in g that is not right. I can n ot p revent m y “ I” fro m b e lie v in g that it is m ore in telligen t th an the life force contained in m y breathin g. I do not k n o w w h a t I am w h e n I breathe. I do not see that the act o f b rea th in g is alw ays m od ified b y im ages, ideas and em otions that com e fro m the ego. I m ust learn to let m y respiration take place so that its rh yth m is not m odified. I have to co m e to a state in w h ich m y h a­ b itual "I” does not intervene. I w ill n ever succeed in this w ith o u t feel­ in g the cen ter o f g ra v ity in m y abdom en. It is a real even t to let the b rea th in g take place b y itself, o n its o w n . I participate in so m eth in g larger. I am part o f this experience, w h ich transform s m e. T h e perceptible b reath is not the tru e breath, that is, the curren t w h ich anim ates in h alation and exhalation. W e are aw are o f the air but n ot the cu rren t, w h ich is im perceptible. It is a kind o f m agn etism that p roduces the action and tou ch es the essential parts o f o u r being. Inhal­ in g and ex h a lin g do n o t p roceed in a straigh t line. It is like a circle, a w h ee l w ith radiations that to u ch all the parts o f the body. W e do not see the action o f the b reath on the body, the radiation. In reality, this cu rren t puts the b o d y in con tact w ith all the levels o f being. A s I com e to feel unity, I w ill exp erien ce a need to b reath e m ore consciously.

69. Stages o f breathing In b e c o m in g conscious o f th e act o f b reath in g, w e w ill understand bet­ ter the law s g o v e rn in g life and h o w se rv in g th em brings m ea n in g to o u r existence. Real u n d erstan d in g o f respiration com es th ro u gh the experien ce o f d ifferent stages. T h e first stage is to b eco m e consciou s o f the physical breath in g and to let it be. T h e respiration g o es on b y itself. If it is tigh t and o rig i­ nates in the chest rather th an the d iaphragm , this show s that I am tense and co n fin ed in m y o rd in a ry “I.” I do not a llo w the b reath in g to com e and g o freely. I take in the air b u t do n o t a llo w com plete exh ala­ tion, as th o u g h I w e re afraid o f not receivin g en ou gh air. T h e first

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th in g to learn is to let the brea th in g b e w ith o u t the in terven tio n o f m y ord in ary "I.” I h ave to let the b rea th in g m o v e lo w e r in the body, and let the air g o out entirely. T h e second stage in brea th in g is to exercise n o t o n ly the b o d y but oneself. I no lon ger place em phasis on e x h a lin g com pletely, bu t instead let m y se lf g o w ith the exhalation. I relax not o n ly m y shoulders and chest, I relax the w h o le o f m yself. I see that m y u su al respiration re­ flects a false attitude o f m y "I.” It is n o t m y b o d y bu t “I” w h o is not breath in g in a right way. In w o rk in g , I d isco ver that all m y m an ifesta­ tions and m en tal attitudes b lo c k the flo w o f the breath. It is lik e a resis­ tance to the fu n d am en tal rh yth m o f life, a fear o f losin g m yself, a lack o f trust in life. T h e th ird stage w ill be to experien ce that it is not I but "It,” the u niversal Being, w h ich is b reath in g, and to see that brea th in g is a fu n ­ dam ental m o vem en t o f a liv in g w h o le. W e learn to b eco m e conscious o f life and o f the B ein g incarnate in us, conscious o f a rh yth m ic order in w h ich w e are included. T h is is not to observe fro m outside, h old in g ourselves apart, but to be on e w ith the exp erien ce and b e tran sform ed b y it. U su ally it can n ot tran sform us because w e cu t o urselves o ff from reality, lost in o u r o rd in a ry “ I.” T ru e consciousness is bu ried and plays on ly a secon d ary role. W e m u st let all o u r im ages and precon ceived ideas dissolve in order to b eco m e aw are o f its source. W e h ave to let consciousness em erge and play the principal role. T h e n one can live accord ing to o n e’s Being. T h is active reco gn itio n o f the life w ith in brings a sense o f obligation to listen to "consciousness,” to ch a n g e and live acco rd in g to w h a t w e understand. Finally, a m an co m es to su b m ission and tru st in life and the Self. H e g iv es h im s e lf up to the co sm ic m o v e m e n t o f ebb and flow , u n d e r­ stan d in g w ith his w h o le b e in g that all fo rm s are created in th e void, in silence, and are reab sorb ed on ce th ey have fu lfille d th eir role. H e u nd erstan d s th at he finds h im s e lf in lo sin g h im self. H e b e c o m e s free fro m certain su b jective lim its, b u t re a lize s th at h is S e lf is a resp o n si­ ble p articip an t in the g re a t life o f the u n iverse. H e p a rticip a tes in the W h o le.

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70. I live in my breathing W h e n I am v e ry m u ch on the surface o f m yself, I have no freed o m o f action o ver lettin g go. W h e n I am m u ch d eeper in m yself, a m om en t com es w h e n I h ave no freed o m o f action o ver tensing. Yet there is a level in m e at w h ich I can see tensions fo rm and respond to each oth er w ith o u t b e in g co m p letely taken b y them . I rem ain aw are o f so m eth in g that can n ot be taken. T h is is d irectly depen den t on exp erien cin g m y center o f gravity, to w h ich I m u st alw ays return. T h ese m ovem en ts o f tension and lettin g g o are m y response to life, and th ey affect m y breathin g. W h e n I see that m y b rea th in g is n e ver free, the question arises as to its significance and its relation to m y th in k in g , feelin g and o rgan ic life. W h e n I am seated in th e qu iet, I feel co n strain ed b y countless ten­ sions, sm all tensions th at h o ld m e as th o u g h in a net. A t the v e ry m o ­ m en t I sense this, th e net loosens. A s the tension s g iv e w ay, m y inn er life appears as th o u g h e m e rg in g fro m a clou d , and I b eco m e freer. I see clearly that the p o stu re o f m y b o d y a llo w s or prevents this fre e ­ d om . First, th e p o sition o f the p elvis and legs a llo w s the spine to be straight. T h e k n ees m u st n o t b e h ig h er th an the hips. T h is m ain tains e v e ry th in g — the tru n k , the abdom en, the head. I see that the inn er fee lin g o f Presen ce depends on m y tensions. I f the solar plexus is too o p en o r to o restricted , th is life w ill n o t appear. T h e en erg y needs to pass freely, and th e sligh test h in d ran ce can preven t the cu rren t from b e in g established. A s so o n as the e n e rg y appears, I feel free. I feel m y­ s e lf e x istin g , a n e w existen ce I did n o t k n o w before. A n d su d denly I am aw are o f the b reath in g. I k n o w that I breathe. It is the m o vem en t o f life that I feel in m yself. I do n o t concentrate on the respiration, I do not try to relate the th o u g h t w ith the b reath in g. I h ave to b eco m e one w ith the fee lin g o f b reath in g, sensin g the in h alation and exh alatio n as n atu ral and sp on­ tan eous, a ccep tin g e v e ry th in g so that there is no striving. I hold back n o th in g , lettin g m y s e lf exh ale to the end. W h e n I succeed in lettin g the b rea th in g take place m ore freely and com pletely, I feel that the en ergy

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fills m y abdom en and that it no lon ger has th e ten d en cy co n stan tly to rise. In breath in g, I see th ou gh ts appear and disperse, and I see that beh in d th em there is an energy, the en erg y o f the th in k in g . T h e thoughts are not the th in kin g. In letting go m ore deeply, I feel that the breathin g is the life o f this en ergy in me. Its elem ents could nourish this inn er Presence. I feel that the routes, the pathw ays it travels, are im portant, that th ey could relate the life o f one center to another. I need first to establish a contact th ro u gh sensation, to becom e used to feelin g the pathw ays, w ith o u t expectin g anything. In the m om en t I becom e conscious o f it, I feel that m y b reath in g has great im portan ce, as i f it w e re the v e r y act o f livin g. I feel it as a liv in g m ovem en t, the m o v em en t o f the one life in w h ich I am included. I exist in this m ovem en t. I can n ot hold m y s e lf apart, o b se rv in g fro m the outside, nor fix or stop the m ovem en t, appropriating it for m yself. I can o n ly feel that I am part o f it. I am n o th in g w ith o u t it, and it can do n o th in g w ith o u t m e. I let go, and in losin g m y s e lf I find m yself. I su b­ m it to this m ovem en t, in w h ic h fo rm is created and im m ed ia tely sw ep t aw ay as soon as it appears. I live in m y breathin g.

71. W ithout fear o f losing myself T h ere is an im pression that holds m e to the tru th o f the m om en t and aw akens m y atten tion— the fact that I am breathin g. M y w h o le atten­ tion is en gaged in this act o f breath in g. I k n o w n o th in g else. I need to g ive it all m y care. I am one w ith this feelin g o f breath in g. But I do not try to m ake a particu lar effo rt in breathin g. I sim ply feel the b reath — inhale, exhale, inhale, e x h a le .. . . T h o u g h ts w ill appear. I o bserve th em as th oughts, sim ply passing thou ghts. I do n o t tr y to g et rid o f them , nor do I lose m y s e lf in them . I see th em as w ith o u t reality. A n d I com e back to the breath in g. In this state I do not seek and h ave no desire. I expect nothing. I breathe, I am this breath in g. In order for m e to k n o w it, m y lo o k m ust rem ain on the breath in g. W h e n th e on e is w ith o u t the other,

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there is no order, no k n o w in g . Together, th ey have a sense. T h en the brea th in g takes place w ith o u t any effort or constraint, and I feel the m o v em en t o f the breath. T h is depends on the intelligence o f m y th ou gh t, o n its quality, w h ich can b rin g a lo o k held consciously w ith ­ out w o rd s, a seeing. It requ ires a m ore com plete lettin g go, a state freer fro m m y o rd in a ry "I,” w h ich is alw ays ready to intervene. I try not to d irect m y breath in g. I let it be w h a t it is. I b eg in w ith lettin g g o tensions in the d ifferent parts o f m yself. First, the head. I feel the d ifference b e tw e e n an en erg y that is m ore still and the disordered w a ve s o f m y th ou gh ts. A s I let go, the w a ves sub­ side. A fte r a certain tim e, w h e n I feel the e n erg y is freer in the head, I pass to the face and neck, and then to the spine. I hold m y s e lf in bal­ ance, fee lin g a depth o f sensation that I do n o t ord in arily experience. M y sensation is an obed ien ce, obed ien ce to the free vibration, the free action o f the life force in m e. T h e n I pass to the solar plexus. H ere also the tensions let go. I obey. I do not d irect the energy. It does not belon g to m e, it is free. But I really k n o w the e n erg y o n ly w h en I let it g o natu­ rally into the abdom en. I f there is absolutely no tension in m e, i f n o th ­ in g retains the en erg y a n yw h ere, it g o es freely tow ard its source and is felt as a force o f an other dim en sion. I am n o t afraid to m ake ro o m for it and do n o t feel m y s e lf threatened. N o w that I feel freer, I tu rn to m y b reathin g. I breathe gently, w ith ­ ou t h o ld in g back, w ith o u t fear o f lo sin g m yself. It is as th ou gh it is m y s e lf that I am exercisin g, en g a g in g in a m o v em en t that is m ore than an act o f m y body. I tru st th is m o v em en t and a llo w all ideas, all notions, to dissolve. I am not afraid to exh ale com pletely. A n d I discover a n ew m ean in g, a sense o f the sacred in m y h u m an self. I see again that I tru st o n ly m yself. A n d yet it is the active force o f the air that I should trust. W h e n I feel m ore balanced, I breathe as th o u g h th ro u g h the centers and silen tly say “ I A m .” W h e n I say “ I,” I feel the th ree centers as th o u g h so m eth in g stands up; and w h en I say “A m ,” I also feel th em , but as th o u g h so m eth in g sits d ow n . W h e n I b reathe in, I say “ I” and represent to m y s e lf that the active elem ents o f

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the air are entering. W h e n I breathe out, I say “A m ” and feel th em flo w into and fill m y body. I do not try to m ake a n y th in g m ore o f this “I” and “Am,” sim ply say the w o rd s to m yself. W ith each breath, I fo llo w this order for filling: righ t arm , right leg, left leg, left arm , abdom en, chest, head and then the w h o le body.

VII

W H O A M I?

I always believe that I exist and that my imagination o f myself, w hat we call personality, does not. T h is ferocious egotism is me, and I have to become conscious o f its action. W ha t I m ust explore is not beyond the self, but the very basis from w hich I think and feel. I do not know who I am. I do not know whence I came. I do not know where I w ill go. T he w ish to be conscious is the w ish to b e. It can only be understood in silence. T he se lf belongs to the Absolute. I cannot exist outside the Absolute, outside the S e lf o f the Absolute. The true self is like space— unattached, pure, infinite. M y true nature is consciousness. T o k n o w the S e lf is to b e the S e lf

EGO AND ILLUSION

72. The imagination o f myself In order to k n o w w h o I am , I need to see w h a t is real in m e. T h e big­ gest obstacle is illusion. I accept im ag in a tio n in th e place o f co n sciou s­ ness, an idea o f m y s e lf instead o f a fee lin g o f “I.” In co m in g to w o rk together, each o f us brin gs so m eth in g v e ry im ­ portant— his ego. I try to understan d w h y I cam e. I see that it is m y ego, m y person, w h o is here, to w h ich I cling, and I see, i f I am sincere, that it is m ixed up in large m easu re w ith w h a t led m e here. But it w ill not be able to help m e. T o see this, and to see that I still believe m y s e lf to be this person, m akes m e pu t the question w ith m ore feelin g— "T h e n , w h o am I?" W e are all, such as w e are, u nd er the in flu en ce o f o u r im agin atio n o f ourselves. T h is in flu en ce is a ll-p ow erfu l and conditions e v e ry aspect o f ou r lives. O n the on e hand, there is this im agin atio n , this false n o ­ tion o f m yself. O n the other, there is a real "I” th at I do not know . I do not see the difference. It is as th o u g h this "I” w e re b u ried u nd er a m ass o f beliefs, interests, tastes and pretensions. E v e ry th in g I affirm is the im agin atio n o f m yself. W h a t I can n ot affirm — becau se I do n o t k n o w it— is the real “I.” It calls to be k n o w n and has a no stalgia for k n o w in g , lo n gin g to be active . . . to know . But tod ay it is w e a k . N evertheless, it

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W H O A M I?

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is lik e a seed, and i f m y interest is sufficient, the search for th is k n o w ­ in g can b e the g ro u n d in w h ich m y "I" can grow . I need to learn to reco g n ize and separate the real “ I" fro m the im agin atio n o f m yself. T h is is an arduous task because m y im agin ed “I” defends itself. It is opposed to the real “I,” and is exactly w h a t "I” am not. In th in k in g o f m yself, I alw ays b elieve that I exist and that m y im agin atio n o f m yself, w h a t w e call personality, does not. I have no idea o f this im agin ation . So lo n g as I do not k n o w it, I cann ot k n o w w h a t I am. T h is im ag in a tio n o f “I . . . m e” lies at the h eart o f m y u su al sense o f self, the ego, and all the m ovem en ts o f m y inn er life g o to p rotect it. A n d th is ten d en cy exists as m u ch in the u n con scious as in the con ­ scious layers o f m yself. It is becau se w e w a n t at all costs to p rotect this im agin atio n that o u r exp erien ce and o u r k n o w led g e have such im p or­ tance for us. T h e th in gs that w e do are not chosen because w e like to do th em bu t b ecau se w e th ereby affirm and assure o u r im agin ed “I.” T h ere is n o th o u g h t or feelin g that is not m otivated by this. It is, h o w ­ ever, so subtle that w e do not see it. W e are so preoccu pied w ith w h at w e w o u ld id eally lik e to b e that w e do n o t see w h a t w e a ctu a lly are now , righ t n o w in the present m om en t. Perhaps beh in d the form ation o f this idea o f "I” there is the ech o o f a v e ry deep w ish , the w ish to be, the w ish to be en tirely w h a t I am . But tod ay the co n tro llin g influence is the idea o f m yself, and this im ag in ed “I” desires, fights, com pares and ju d g es all the tim e. It w a n ts to be the first, it w an ts to be reco g­ n ized , ad m ired and respected, and m ake its force and p o w e r felt. T h is com plex e n tity has b ee n fo rm ed o ver cen tu ries b y the p sych ological stru ctu re o f society. D o I k n o w this? N o t ju st in passing, or in h a vin g n oticed it one day o r an oth er . . . bu t do I really see it at the m om en t in each action, w h e n I w o rk , w h e n I eat, w h en I sp eak w ith an oth er person? C a n I be aw are o f m y w ish to be "so m eo n e” and m y w a y o f alw ays co m p arin g m y s e lf to another? If I see it, I can experien ce th e w is h to liberate m y s e lf from it, and also see w h y I w is h to liberate m yself. So lo n g as I have not u n ­ d erstood that this is the essence o f m y search, that here is the first step

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tow ard k n o w led g e o f m yself, I w ill continu e to be fo o led and all m y efforts, all the w ays I try to ch an ge, w ill lead o n ly to disappointm ent. T h e im agin ed "I,” m y im agin atio n o f “I,” w ill co n tin u e to be rein forced even in the m ost u n co n scio u s layers o f m yself. I m ust h o n estly accept that I really do not k n o w this. O n ly in ac­ cep tin g this as a fact w ill I b eco m e interested and tru ly w ish to k n o w it. T h e n m y though ts, feelin gs and actions w ill n o lon ger be objects for m e to lo o k at w ith indifference. T h e y are me, expressions o f m y self, w h ich I alone am here to understand. I f I w ish to understan d them , I m ust live w ith them , not as a spectator bu t w ith affection , and w ith o u t ju d g in g or ex cu sin g them . It is n ecessary to live w ith m y thoughts, feelin gs and actions, to suffer them , fro m m om en t to m om en t.

73. Ferocious egotism W e are not w h a t w e b eliev e o urselves to be. Blinded b y o u r im ag in a ­ tion, w e o verestim ate ou rselves and lie to ourselves. W e alw ays lie to ourselves, at e v e ry m om en t, all day, all o u r lives. If w e co u ld stop in ­ w a rd ly and observe w ith o u t p reconception, accep tin g for a tim e this idea o f lyin g, then perhaps w e w o u ld see that w e are not w h a t w e th in k w e are. I can have m om en ts o f real tran q uillity, o f silence, in w h ich I open to another dim ension, an oth er w orld. W h a t I do not see is that apart from these m om en ts I am p rey to co n flict and contrad iction, that is, to the violen ce o f m y eg otistical action, w h ich n ever ceases to isolate and divide m e. E v e ry th in g I do arises fro m this action. A s I d isco ver n e w possibilities, I need to k n o w w h a t is at the roo t o f th is o th er p art o f m y nature. I h ave to see that it is n o t so m eth in g fo reign that I can p u t aside w h en and as I w ish . It is w h a t I am , and I can n ot be o th erw ise. T h is ferocious egotism is m e, and I have to b eco m e conscious o f its action. T o see this vio len ce, I h ave to en ter into an in tim ate and real contact w ith m yself, to o bserve m y s e lf w ith o u t any im age. W h y do w e have a co m p ellin g need to p rove ourselves, to actu al­ ize ourselves? A p rofou n d im pulse is at play: the deep fear o f b e in g

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n o th in g , the fear o f total isolation, o f em ptiness, o f solitude. W e have created this solitude w ith o u r m inds, w ith self-protecting and eg o cen ­ tric th o u g h ts lik e “m e” and “m in e,” my nam e, my fam ily, my position, my qualities. D eep d o w n , w e feel em p ty and alone, liv in g lives that are n a rro w and superficial, em o tio n a lly starved and in tellectu a lly repeti­ tious. B ecause o u r p e tty "I” is a sou rce o f su fferin g, w e w ish — con ­ sciously or u n co n scio u sly— to lose o urselves in ind ivid ual or collective stim u latio n or in som e fo rm o f sensation. E v e ry th in g in o u r lives— en­ tertain m en t, gam es, b o ok s, food, d rin k, sex— en cou rages stim ulation on d ifferen t levels. W e revel in this and seek to find a state o f “ happi­ ness,” to m ain tain a pleasure in w h ich w e can forget the “ I.” A ll the tim e o u r m inds are b u sy in evasion, co n stan tly seeking, in one w a y or another, to be en tirely absorbed in so m eth in g outside ourselves, to be captivated b y som e belief, love o r w o rk. T h e evasion has becom e m ore im p ortan t th an the tru th w e can n ot face. R e v o lv in g arou n d self-interest, o u r n a rro w m ind d im inish es the ch allen ges o f life b y in terp retin g th em w ith its lim ited understanding. A s a result, o u r lives su ffer fro m a lack o f intense, stron g feelin g, a lack o f passion. It is an essential problem . W h e n w e have real passion in the depths o f ourselves, w e feel stron gly and are ex trem ely sensitive to life— to su fferin g, to b eauty, to n atu re . . . to ev e ry th in g . W e care about life, its possibilities in w o rk tog eth er and in relation. But w ith o u t pas­ sion, life is em pty, m eaningless. If w e do not feel deeply the b eau ty o f life and its ch allen ge, th en life has no sense at all. W e fu n ctio n m e­ chanically. Yet this passion is not d evo tio n or sentim entality. A s soon as passion has a m o tive or preferen ce, it beco m es pleasure or pain. T h e passion w e need is the passion to be. C en tered in o u r o rd in a ry "I,” m ost o f us do not love and are not loved. W e have v e ry little love in o u r hearts, w h ich is w h y w e b e g for it and seek it in substitutes. O u r u su a l em o tio n al state is negative, all o u r feelin gs are reactions. In fact, w e do not k n o w w h a t it w o u ld be to have a positive feelin g, w h a t it w o u ld b e to love. M y ord in ary “ I,” m y ego, is alw ays p reoccu pied w ith w h a t pleases or displeases m e, w h a t “I lik e ” or “I dislike.” It alw ays w a n ts to receive, to be loved, and im pels

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m e to seek love. I g iv e in order to receive. Perhaps this is gen ero sity o f the m ind, m y “ I,” bu t it is not gen ero sity o f the heart. I love w ith m y “ I,” m y ego, but not w ith m y heart. D eep d o w n , this "I” is alw ays in con flict w ith the other person and refuses to share. T o live w ith o u t love is to live in p erp etu al contrad iction, a refu sal o f the real, o f what is. W ith o u t love, one can n ever find w h a t is tru e, and all h u m a n rela­ tions are painfu l. If I do n o t k n o w m y s e lf totally, m y m in d and m y heart, m y pain and m y avidity, I can n ot liv e in the present. W h a t I m u st exp lore is not beyon d the self, but the v e ry basis fro m w h ich I th in k and feel. M y th o u g h t craves continuity, perm an en ce, and its w is h g iv es rise to m y o rd in a ry "I.” T h is th in k in g is the sou rce o f fear, fea r o f loss, o f su ffer­ ing. If I do not k n o w m y total consciousness— u n co n scio u s as w e ll as conscious— I w ill not understand fear and m y en tire search w ill go astray and be d eform ed. T h e re w ill be no love, and m y o n ly interest w ill be in en su rin g the co n tin u ity o f this “ I,” even after death.

74. Free of fea r and illusion Is it possible to have a m in d w ith a q u a lity that is alw ays fresh, alw ays new, w ith a th in k in g that creates no habits and clin gs to no belief? For this w e m ust understand the total consciousness w ith w h ich w e live. It fu n ction s w ith in a lim ited fra m e that m ust be b rok en in order for it to be free. W h a t w e seek is the state o f m in d that says, “ I don’t kn o w .” Instead o f try in g to k n o w w h a t is uncon scious, w e have to see the false as false. It is the n egatio n o f the false that em pties th e m in d o f the k n o w n . O n ly a m ind that is em p ty can com e to a state o f not k n o w in g and d iscover w h a t is true. W h a t is im p o rta n t is to see th at w o rd s and ideas en slave us in fo rm u las and concepts. A s lo n g as w e are trap p ed in a n et o f co n so l­ in g belief, w e lack the in ten sity and su b tlety req u ired fo r real e x p lo ­ ration. U nless I u n d erstan d this, m y o b serv a tio n w ill rem a in based on form s, on w h a t I k n o w , and w ill n o t b e en liv e n ed b y th e sp irit o f d iscovery, as i f fo r th e first tim e. A n d it w ill be eg o cen tric, w ith m y

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i6o

o rd in a ry “ I” in te rp re tin g e v e r y th in g th at is p resented fro m its selfcen tered p ersp ectiv e. W e h ave to u nd erstan d fear in o u r lives, a fu n d am en tal fact. In­ deed, so lo n g as o u r total consciousness has not b een liberated from fear, w e w ill not be able to g o v e ry far, to pen etrate deeply in ourselves. By its v e ry n atu re fear is in evitably opposed to o u r entire search. But w h a t is the basis for fear in us? D o es fear as su ch really exist? H ave w e ever experien ced it as a rea lity in its e lf and not sim ply the fee lin g that p recedes or fo llo w s an event? W h e n w e are tru ly face-to-face w ith the even t— for exam ple, w ith d an ger— are w e afraid? In fact, fear o n ly arises at th e m om en t th e th in k in g fixes o n the past o r the fu tu re. I f our atten tion is in the active present, to th in k o f yesterday or o f to m o rro w is sim ply inatten tion, an in atten tion that engenders fear. W h e n w e g iv e o u r total atten tion to the present, w h e n w e are w h o lly present, fear does n o t exist. W e see that w e do n o t know , that w e can n ot re­ spond. In this state o f com plete un certain ty, w e can discover that w h ich is true. I f w e w ish to pen etrate d eeply in ourselves and see w h at is here and ev en b eyo n d , w e m ust have no fear o f any kind, not o f fail­ u re o r o f su fferin g, and above all not fear o f death. W e have never, w ith o u r w h o le bein g, inqu ired w h a t death is. It is alw ays considered in term s o f su rvival, as life co n tin u in g like a chain o r an endless m ovem en t. But th is su rviv al is o n ly the su rviv al o f w h at is k n o w n . In fact, o u r lives are a co n tin u ity o f the k n o w n . W e act from th e k n o w n to th e k n o w n . W e w ish for co n tin u ity and clin g to su rvival w ith o u t ev er qu estio n in g the o rig in o f this w ish . W e do not see that it is m erely a h o llo w projectio n o f the th ou gh t, that it com es from the im ag in ed “I” created b y o u r identifications— m y fam ily, m y hom e, m y w o r k achievem en ts. W h e n w e re a lize this clearly, w e can approach the question o f co n tin u ity w ith o u t sen tim en tality and w ith o u t o u r usual am bition to affirm ourselves. W e need to see that th ere is no "thin ker,” that this im ag in ed “I” w h ich th in k s “m e” and “m in e” is sim ply an illusion. In order for us to receive tru th, this m ust be dispelled, as w e ll as all the oth er illusions o f th e th in k in g , in clu d in g those b eh in d o u r desires for pleasure or satis­

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faction. O n ly then can w e see the real n atu re o f o u r am bitions, stru g ­ gles and sufferings. O n ly th en can w e see th ro u g h th em and com e to a state free o f contrad iction, a state o f em ptiness, in w h ich w e can e x p e ­ rience love. W h a t is im p ortan t is to live w ith this vo id in w h ich the se lf is abandoned. W ith this abandon m ent arises the passion to be, a w ish beyon d th o u g h t and feelin g, a flam e w h ich d estroys all that is false. T h is en ergy a llo w s the m ind to pen etrate the u n k n o w n . N o m o vem en t fro m the p eriph ery to w ard the cen ter w ill ever reach the center. A surface m o vem en t try in g to b eco m e d eeper w ill never be m ore than o f the surface. In order to understan d itself, the m ind has to be co m p letely still, w ith o u t illusion. T h e n w ith lu cid ity w e can see the in sign ifican ce o f “m e” dissolve in an im m e n sity b eyo n d all m easure. T h ere is n o tim e, o n ly the present m om en t. Yet to live in the present is w h o lly sufficient u n to itself. A t each m om en t one dies, one lives, one loves, one is. Free o f fear and illusion, m om en t after m om en t w e die to the k n o w n in order to enter the u n k n o w n .

TO W ARD THE U N K N O W N

75. I

do not know

In m y search to see reality in m yself, I m ay co m e to the d oor o f percep ­ tion. But it w ill n o t open, tru th w ill not be revealed, so lon g as I clin g to w h a t I know . I need to have em p ty hands to approach the u n k n ow n . A t the outset I can n ot affirm w h o I am . A ll I can do is b eg in to d istin gu ish m y s e lf fro m m y o rd in a ry "I,” to see that I am not m y as­ sociations, I am not m y feelin gs, I am not m y sensations. But the ques­ tion then arises: W h o am I? I need to listen, I b ecom e quiet to m ob ilize all m y atten tion and com e to a m ore balan ced state. A m I this? N o, but the d irectio n is g o o d . F rom dispersion, I g o to w ard unity. M y search can continue. Yet I see that the en erg y o f m y th in k in g , m oved by all the th ou gh ts that seize it, has neither force nor d irection. In order to go to w ard the sou rce o f “ I,” it m ust be gath ered and concentrated on one question: “ W h o am I?” I learn not to tu rn away. I do not k n o w w h o I am , and all that I k n o w can n ot be an answer. T h e u n k n o w n , the m ysterious, can n ot be d iscerned by the k n o w n . O n the contrary, w h a t I kn o w , w h a t I have learned, prevents m e fro m dis­ co v erin g what is. T h e w h o le process o f m y th in k in g , the con d ition in g o f the k n o w n , encloses m e in the field o f m y th o u g h t and prevents m e fro m g o in g fu rther. I find pleasure in this co n d itio n in g and security, and u n co n scio u sly clin g to it.

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I am unable to face the u n k n o w n . I feel it em pty, like a void that m ust be filled. I have a constant tend en cy to fill it w ith answ ers, project­ in g a false im age on the screen o f m y m ind. I am afraid I w ill not find m yself. A n d in order to resolve this uncertain ty, to avoid dissatisfaction, I constantly a llo w so m eth in g false to be affirm ed. Yet I need this u n cer­ tainty, this dissatisfaction, as an indication fro m m y feelin g that show s the w a y back tow ard m yself. It show s the necessity o f b ein g m ore sensi­ tive to the one th in g I tu rn aw ay from , to accept em ptiness, the void. To approach the u n k n o w n w o u ld m ean to co m e to the d oo r o f perception and be able to open it, and to see. But I can see n o th in g as lon g as I am taken b y w ords, alw ays p u ttin g a n am e on so m eth in g and re co g n izin g the o bject b y its nam e. W ord s create a lim it, a barrier. To enter th e u n k n o w n , m y m in d m u st see th is lim it as a fact, w ith o u t ju d g in g it g o o d or bad, or su b m ittin g to its influence. C a n I see m y s e lf w ith o u t p u ttin g a w o rd on w h a t I see? I am at the d oor o f p erception w ith an attention that does n o t tu rn away. I learn to listen to the u n k n o w n in m yself. I do not k n o w , and I listen, con stan tly refu sin g each k n o w n response. F rom m om en t to m om ent, I reco g n ize that I do n o t kn o w , and I listen. T h e v e ry act o f listen in g is a liberation. It is an action that does not flee the present, and w h en I k n o w the present as it is, there is transform ation. I g o tow ard the u n k n o w n u n til I co m e to a m om en t w h e n no th o u g h t m oves m y m ind, w h e n there is n o th in g outside m yself. I do n o t k n o w w h o I am. I do not k n o w w h en ce I cam e. I do not k n o w w h ere I w ill go. I doubt all that I know , and have n o th in g to rely on. A ll I w ish is to understand w h a t I am . W ith o u t w o rd s, w ith o u t form , the b o d y and its density seem to disappear. I b eco m e as i f transparent to m yself. N o w there is o n ly roo m for purity, a q u a lity as ligh t as air. I feel that in the search for m yself, and o n ly in this search, lies m y liberation.

76. The resonance o f “I am” In order to k n o w a liv in g en erg y in m yself, the memory o f it is in su ffi­ cient. T h ere m ust be a d irect perceptio n o f the u n k n o w n . But w e live

W H O AM I?

in m em ories, rem em b erin gs. M em o ry substitutes a dead im age for a liv in g th in g and prevents m e fro m p erceiv in g it. W e im pose so m eth in g u n real, so m eth in g that is not, in the place o f what is. I w ish to b e consciou s o f this u n k n o w n en erg y that is in m e. For this I need to get rid o f the idea that I k n o w m y body. I m ust see that the m em o ry o f m y body, o f the k n o w n sensation o f m y body, im poses itself as an an sw er at the m om en t o f qu estio n in g w h o I am , the m o ­ m ent o f incom preh ension . A n d becau se this an sw er appears spon tane­ ously, I rem ain passive and do not w a k e up and look. I m ust see this constan t ten d en cy to let the m em o ry o f sensation preem pt the direct p erception. I need to see that m y b o d y is also u n k n o w n . I feel m y essential “ I” lik e an ech o o f a distant vibration o f w h ich I am b a rely aw are. It is as th o u g h su bm erged in m y body, and because it is subm erged, it ca n n o t d ifferentiate itself. I need to dissociate m y se lf fro m m y th ou ghts, o rd in a ry em otion s and m ovem en ts, m y sensations. T h e ir vibration s o f inertia, w h ich cond ition m e, are an obstacle to the consciousness o f “I.” Yet I have the p o w e r to ign ore th em and not let th em invade m y consciousness i f I co ncentrate on “I,” this ech o o f a p o w e rfu l vib ratio n that co u ld tran sform m e. W h e n I feel deep a n x iety and dissatisfaction, as w e all do at d iffer­ ent tim es, it is becau se I am not listen in g to the finer, m ore subtle v i­ brations o f m y P resence. I do not let th em anim ate m e. I am not available. I am alw ays, again and again, m o v ed en tirely by the vib ra­ tion s o f inertia o f m y fu n ctio n s. But a n x iety and dissatisfaction are not en ou gh . I need a m ore co n sciou s fee lin g and a m ore conscious th ou gh t d irected on this u n d erly in g curren t. I m ust com e to understand that beh in d m y th o u g h t there is so m eth in g, b eh in d m y em o tio n there is so m eth in g, beh in d m y m o v em en t there is so m eth in g . . . and I m ust actively g o in the d irectio n o f this “so m eth in g.” A s I am , m y en erg y is to o fragm en ted , too passive. It is not m a g n e tized in a direction. I b ecom e aw are that in order to g o beyon d m y present state, a greater concentration is necessary. W h e n I understand this need, a m o vem en t takes place o f concentration tow ard w h a t is seekin g to com e into b ein g in m e. In this v o lu n tary m ovem en t, m y attention becom es

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active and refined, and the m o vem en t passes a threshold w h ere w ords are no longer necessary, w h ere m y ego is pacified and m y b o d y is still. Who am I? In a state o f q u estioning w ith o u t w ords, I approach a void. I accept p u ttin g n o th in g there, k n o w in g n oth in g, and am w h o lly atten­ tive to the silence. I am en tirely present to the question "W h o . . . ?” as if it w e re a m agnet attractin g all the force o f perception. B ehind all our life, all o u r activity, the resonance o f this question m ust be stronger than the insistent call o f the m ovem en t to w ard life. "W ho . . . ?” I w ish to penetrate the state before th in k in g arises. So I observe from w h ere this th ou gh t com es. G ently, v e ry quietly, I pen etrate the state. A bsolute tran q u illity is necessary. W h o am I? I listen to the resonance o f the question. A n d I b e g in to hear the resonance o f the response, w h ich I p erceive th ro u g h a sensa­ tion o f life, o f a cu rren t o f life. It show s m e th at at th is m o m en t m y es­ sence is touched. M y w o r k is not im agin ary, n o t o n ly on the surface. It has pen etrated m ore deeply. I b elo n g to this life w h o se ech o I feel, and w ish o n ly to attu n e m y­ se lf to it. I listen in m y s e lf to the resonance o f “I am .” It m ust b ecom e m ore im portan t th an e v e ry th in g else. T h is is m y so u l its e lf that is here.

77. Silence I have a p reconceived idea th at a state o f silence, o f peace, is d eprived o f en ergy and o f life, a state w h e re there is a stop, the suspension o f e v e ry ­ th in g that g en era lly m oves m e. In fact, silence is a m om en t o f the greatest energy, a state so intense that e v e ry th in g else seem s quiet. M ore and m ore I feel an attraction for the consciousness o f what is, o f w h a t I am . But I am not really open. T h e eg o takes a lon g tim e to g ive w ay, and there is a lim it I do not pass. I feel th at to receive the real, a transform ation is necessary, a b reak fro m m y cond itionin g. T o k n o w w h o I am , I need a perception o f m y s e lf beyo n d the cap acity o f m y senses and fu n ctions. For this I need silence and tranquillity. T h e p er­ ception o f “I” that is revealed in the stillness m u st be as stro n gly estab­ lished as the n otion o f m y s e lf roo ted in the body.

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T o h ave an exp erien ce o f reality, th ere m u st be a sense o f space. But the space created b y o u r th o u g h t is restricted and narrow . W e iso ­ late ourselves, w e m easu re and ju d g e , and fro m this lim ited space w e th in k and act, even b e lie v in g w e b rin g so m eth in g to others. Because it is all o u r th o u g h t k n o w s, w e believe this space to b e v e ry im portant. O u r o rd in a ry “ I” clin g s to it ou t o f fear o f b e in g noth ing. Yet in this sm all space the o n ly fee lin g that appears arises from the opposition b e tw e e n this “I,” this “m e,” and w h a t is not "I.” T h e th ou gh t cannot o p en to an oth er dim en sion, th e vast space in w h ich there is silence. A n d a fee lin g w ith o u t lim it can n ot appear. Escape fro m this n a rro w space w ill not co m e fro m th in kin g. By its e lf the th o u g h t ca n n o t b e silent. It is o n ly w h e n I die to all I k n o w and all I h ave learn ed th at I can open to so m eth in g new. O n ly then can I really k n o w m y s e lf— that is, k n o w h o w I live from m om en t to m o ­ m ent. T h is action alone w ill take aw ay m y fear o f b ein g n o th in g and b rin g m y m in d the e n erg y requ ired to be com pletely silent. Som etim es there is a stop b e tw e e n tw o th ou gh ts, and for a m om en t I sense the space expand beyo n d all lim its. It is o n ly w ith in this space, a vast space w h ich the o rd in a ry “ I” ca n n o t reach, that the th in k in g becom es silent. T h e n I no lon ger seek an an sw er and, in g iv in g m y entire attention, I enter the u n k n o w n . I do n o t seek, I perceive. I do not have to seek the g oo d ; the atten tion is th e o n ly goo d . T h is attention is the process o f m editation. It is the qu iet its e lf that is im p ortan t, silence as the fact itself, not w h a t one obtain s th ro u g h it. W e need to d isco ver the nature o f silence, w h en th ou g h t, fee lin g and b o d y are all silent. W h a t takes place w h en th o u g h t is really quiet, and also feeling? T h e silence . .. does it becom e aw ake to itself? In b e in g atten tive to th e n atu re o f silence, I feel an in ­ telligen ce aw aken . W h a t is im p ortan t is its appearance, not w h a t it il­ lum inates. T h is in tellig en ce is sacred and can n ot be at the service o f m y ego, m y am bition. T h e silence th at appears w h en I see m y s e lf taken b y illusion is revealin g, bu t o n ly i f I do not w ish for it. I feel the action o f reality on m e, but I do not g iv e m y s e lf up to it. I learn to let m y th o u g h t flo w e r and thus co m e to an end. T h e field is free; I offer no

Toward the Unknown opposition. T h in k in g b ecom es a ligh t for its e lf and no lon ger seeks experience. It is n ecessary to pass th ro u g h th e w o rld o f the k n o w n to enter the u n k n o w n , the void, the real. I b eg in to understand that silence does not com e because I seek to becom e silent. It com es w h en the m in d sees the process o f th ou g h t and its co n d itio n in g b y the k n o w n . For this it m u st o b serve as one w atch es a beloved child, w ith o u t co m p arin g or co n d em n in g. O n e observes in order to understand. It is o n ly w h e n I k n o w this co n d itio n in g that si­ lence and tra n q u illity are sou ght not for secu rity but for the freed o m to receive the u n k n o w n , the truth. T h e n the m in d b ecom es v e ry quiet. T h is opens the d oor to a state that is reality, w ith im m en se p o ssibili­ ties. T h e m ind is no lon ger an o b server o f the u n k n o w n . It is the u n ­ k n o w n itself. T h e w ish to be consciou s is the w ish to be. It can o n ly be u nd er­ stood in silence.

y8. Inner solitude O u r o rd in a ry “ I” thirsts for continuity. O u r m in d is n ever still. W e dare not rem ain w ith o u t th in k in g , w ith o u t d oin g so m eth in g, face-toface w ith em ptiness— a te rrify in g solitude. W e are afraid to be alone because w e are afraid not to be, n o t to experience. O u r lives are a con­ tin u ity o f the k n o w n , alw ays a ctin g fro m so m eth in g k n o w n to so m e­ th in g k n o w n , not d arin g to approach the u n k n o w n . But the k n o w n can n ot enter into contact w ith the u n k n o w n , and a th in k in g based on w h at w e k n o w can n ot co m m u n e w ith the u n k n o w n . W e m u st die to the k n o w n in order for the u n k n o w n to b e revealed. H o w then to co n fro n t the real in m yself? I w ill tru ly m eet the real o n ly w h en I understand the fu n ctio n in g o f m y o rd in a ry “ I” and its in ­ cessant desire to perp etu ate itself. W h a t can this "I” experience? In order to k n o w m yself, I need to see w ith clarity, tirelessly, the m o v e ­ m ents o f m y o rd in a ry “ I.” T h e w a y to this k n o w le d g e is arduous, bu t it brings incom parable jo y and silence. T h e “I” rises ceaselessly and al­ w ays falls, con stan tly p u rsu in g so m eth in g, w in n in g and losing. But it

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is alw ays frustrated. It alw ays w a n ts “m ore,” and its desires are contra­ dictory. In order for m e to u nd erstan d this, the th o u g h t m ust n o t inter­ vene. T h e re m ust be no ju d g e w h o , in ta k in g sides, w o u ld keep the conflicts alive. T h ere m u st be neither a subject nor an o bject o f exp eri­ ence. T h e n there is a d irect relation. A n d it is th is d irect relation that gives rise to understan din g. T h e re is a silence that em erges not from reaction bu t w h e n the process o f th in k in g is understood. A m om en t com es w h e n I experience a feelin g o f total solitude, w h en I no lon ger k n o w h o w to relate to w h a t surrounds m e. E very­ w h ere, alw ays, I feel alone. Even w h en I am w ith close friends or m y fam ily, I am alone. I do not k n o w m y relation w ith them , w h a t actually connects us. T h is feelin g o f solitude and isolation is created b y m y selfcentered th ou gh t— my nam e, my fam ily, my position. I need to live w ith this solitude and, passing th ro u g h it lik e a door, com e to som eth in g m u ch greater: a deeper state o f total "abandonm ent,” a state o f "ind i­ viduation .” T h is is no lon ger a state o f isolation, because the isolation is included, as w e ll as the entire process o f th in k in g and experiencing, w ith all the provocation s and responses involved. W h e n w e understand this process on all levels o f consciousness, w e are free from influences in that o u r th in k in g and feelin g are n o lon ger fashioned b y outer events or inner experience. W h e n the m ind is w ith o u t provocation or re­ sponse, there is “abandonm ent.” O n ly in this state can w e find the real. T o liv e silence, to k n o w what is, I n eed to co m e to the sensation o f a void, e m p ty o f all m y im a g in a ry projections. I try to em erge from this w o rld o f illu sion that hides m y reality, to not let m y s e lf be influ ­ en ced b y it. I co ncentrate on “ here . . . now.” I do not seek— as I alw ays d o — to fill the void. I feel I am this void. A cce p tin g that there is n o th ­ ing, I seek neith er shelter nor gu aran tee. F eelin g m y s e lf as an o bserva­ tio n po st th at sees o n ly em ptiness, I seek silence. T h is in n er silence m eans abandon and subm ission. M y o rd in a ry “I” subm its, and m y m in d is freer in an attitude that transcends th ou gh ts and w ords. T h is is lik e m ed itation w ith o u t m en tal activity. I need to understan d the fee lin g o f real solitude, ev en i f I feel not seen by those around m e, n o t und erstood , and experience this as sad­

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ness. Solitude fro m w h a t is ordinary, im a g in a ry and false is so m eth in g v e ry great. It m eans th at for the first tim e I k n o w th at "I am .” It is a soli­ tude from all the k n o w n and fro m all that is not righ t now, in the pres­ ent m om en t outside o f tim e. T h is solitude appears as a void. But it is not a void o f despair. It is a com plete tran sfo rm atio n o f the q u a lity o f m y th in k in g. W h e n the m ind is free o f all talk in g , fears, desires and pettiness, it is silent. T h e n com es a sense o f com plete n oth in gn ess, the v e ry essence o f hu m ility. A t the sam e tim e, there is a fee lin g o f tru ly en tering another w orld, a w orld that seem s m ore real. I am a particle o f a greater reality. I experien ce solitude n o t b ecau se so m eth in g is m issin g but because there is e v e ry th in g — e v e ry th in g is here.

MY TRUE NATURE

79. The veil over my reality T h e b e lie f th at I am m y b o d y casts a v e il o v e r m y reality. I c lin g to th e fo rm and a lw a y s ta k e th e o b je ct as real, h y p n o tiz e d b y th e at­ tra ctio n to w a rd m atter. In m y e ffo rt to b e presen t, I a lw ay s w a n t to h ave a sen sation o f a fo rm , a n e w fo rm , b u t n o n eth eless a fo rm . M y o rd in a ry fu n c tio n in g and th e w a y I sense m y b o d y p rev e n t m e fro m b e c o m in g co n scio u s o f w h a t I am in m y tru e n atu re. A k n o w le d g e b e y o n d m y u su a l im a g in a tio n , a n e w k n o w le d g e , w ill be revealed o n ly w h e n th e n o tio n I h a ve o f m y s e lf is n o lo n g e r ro o ted in m y body. I need sin cerely to accept that I am n o t m y body, m y m ind or m y em otions. M y real "I” is not tem porary. M y th ough ts, m y sensations, m y states are co n tin u a lly ch a n g in g , but the “ I” is alw ays here. Som e­ th in g does n o t change. A ll th ese states are lik e p h en om en a appearing on the surface o f m y bein g. T h e y are in perp etu al m ovem ent. Yet so m eth in g rem ains im m o b ile, u n a ffected b y the m ovem ent. M y real “I” rem ain s silent, as th o u g h su bm erged in m y body. N evertheless, it seeks to k n o w itself. A n d th e m ore the “ I” seeks to k n o w itself, the less it participates in the b o d y in w h ich it is subm erged and the m ore it participates in consciousness. T h e question “ W h o am I?” th en sounds

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like an echo, co m in g fro m an oth er w o rld th ro u g h m y h igh er centers in order to resonate in the lo w er centers. T h is ech o is w h a t I can k n o w tod ay o f another n atu re in m yself. I ask this question and concentrate, but not in order to obtain co n ­ sciousness, the real "I.” I concentrate in order to lift the veil o f th ou gh ts that stands in its w ay. W e are und er the d om in atio n o f o u r th in k in g m ind. T h is is o u r slavery. So lo n g as th is m in d d om inates m e, I believe that I am m y th ou gh t, that I am m y body, and I can n ot k n o w con ­ sciousness, m y tru e nature. So lo n g as there is not consciousness, I am obliged to ask w h o I am . In the m om en t o f consciousness the question does not appear. M ore and m ore, I feel the need for stillness and silence. B eh in d the form s o f m y continu al th ou gh ts and em otions, there exists a v e ry fine en erg y that is not to be projected outside. It allo w s m e to k n o w w h a t I am in m y essence. But to com e to the em ptiness in w h ich this liv in g en ergy can be felt is d ifficu lt. T h is is because ev en the w ish to be, w h ich appears in m e as a w ish to know and is pure in its o rigin , is betrayed by the form it takes. C a n I trust, entirely, w h a t is in this em ptiness? O r do I reserve the righ t to ju d g e , to ca lcu la te , to rem a in a cold o b serv er in fro n t o f an e n e rg y in w h ic h I do n o t r e c o g n iz e m yself? H o w to g o to w ard aw aren ess o f th is su btle en ergy, at each step se e in g th e trap o f m akin g it conform to som e design or o f lim itin g it b y ascribing a k n o w n m eaning? I am seated here. W h o am I? I w a n t to answ er. A n d I see that I can ­ not answ er, that n o th in g in m e can answer. I can o n ly listen, in order to hear better. Silence em erges . . . silence, stillness. A n d as I sense this, it is as th o u g h m y entire b ein g w ish ed to enter this silence, to a llo w it to be established. A t the sam e tim e, it is not I w h o can im p ose the si­ lence. It is here. T h is silence is in m e, it is m e. It is as th o u g h a door w e re op enin g, a llo w in g m e to feel a vib ratio n that the u su al noises prevent. T h is is no lon ger “I” as I k n o w m yself. I feel so m eth in g to w h ich I did not k n o w I w as called. I d iscover in m y s e lf an oth er d im en ­ sion that requires a n e w w a y o f being.

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80. W hat I really am T o k n o w o n e se lf m eans to k n o w one's tru e nature. In ask in g w h o I am, I w a n t to k n o w m y tru e nature. I am in fro n t o f a m ystery. So m eth in g m ore m y s e lf than all I k n o w is ca llin g to b e reco gn ized . It is as th ou gh I w e re g o in g to be b o rn to m yself. I w a n t to b e able to see w h a t I really am. T h is depends on m e, depends on the tru th o f m y w ish . I need to h old m y s e lf und er a lo o k that calls m e to b e w h a t I am . N on e o f m y u su al perceptions w ill help m e to approach this experience. I m ust go b eyo n d th em all in order to co m e to a perception im possible to foresee in advance. T h e re can be no w ords, w o rd s im prison me; no m em ories, m em ories im prison m e; no fo rm u lated w ish , form ulations im prison m e. I reco g n ize all this is useless and let it go. O n e th in g alone brings m e closer to w h a t I really am — the concern, above all, to be true. I h ave accepted the idea that I do not k n o w w h a t I am. But it is ju st an idea, a theory, and I do not understan d w h a t it m eans. In m y usual state o f consciousness, w h a t I can perceive is lim ited b y the fun ctions that g o v e rn these perceptions. I perceive th in gs w ith m y th ou gh t, feel­ in g and sensation, and w ith these try to b eco m e conscious. But the fu n ctio n s w o rk on a level that is v e ry ordinary, autom atic. T h e y are fu n ctio n s o f the lo w er centers in m e. W h a t I w ish to k n o w is m uch h igher, m ore pure, en d o w ed w ith qualities th at these fu n ctio n s cannot p erceive. I w a n t to k n o w w h a t I really am in m y tru e nature, m y ve ry essence, in w h ich all m y possibilities are contained. I w ish to return to the sou rce o f what is, o f th e o n ly reality, o f the "self.” T h e s e lf belongs to the A bsolute. I can n ot exist outside the A bsolute, outside the S e lf o f the A bsolute. A n d y et I consider m y s e lf as outside the A bsolute, and I address it as outside m e. I co n fu se the tru e s e lf w ith the b o d y and its fu n ction s. But the tru e s e lf is lik e space— unattach ed , pure, infinite. I feel a greater and greater need to com e to a state o f quiet and peace. Yet this state has n o th in g passive in it. I am actively conscious o f this peace, a state in w h ich m y centers are in balance. T h is is h o w I ex­ perience it. A n d I understand w h a t G u rd jieff m eant in Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson w h en he w ro te that, before b eg in n in g to m editate,

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A shiata Shiem ash b rou gh t h im s e lf (by all sorts o f m ethods) to the state o f "all-brained-balanced-being-perceptiveness.” I perceive a state o f life, o f a kind o f vibration that n o th in g else can equal, the vibrations o f m y Being. From this source, this liv in g m aterial, com e w aves o f vibrations o f another k in d — m y thoughts, m y d e sir e s.. . . But this is lik e the ocean and the w aves that rise and fall. T h e y are one and the sam e. W h a t is essential is the life that anim ates it, a life that is perm anent.

81. W ho am I? W h o am I? T h e question sounds in m e. It is a call fro m A b o ve , fro m h igh er th an w h a t is m o v in g in m e. I hear it p o o rly and w is h to listen, to hear it not only w ith w h at is m ore or less available at this m o m e n t.. . m y th ought, m y o rd in a ry sensing. I w ish to hear it w ith m y w h o le b e ­ ing. I wish, I will, becau se m y w ish , m y w ill, alone can b rin g this. It becom es serious for m e. I w ish to open in order to m ake ro o m and reco gn ize the P resence o f a life, o f a force before w h ich I m ust bow . I have to feel anim ated b y th is life u n til the sensation o f m y body, o f the form o f m y body, is less stron g th an the aw areness o f the force vibrat­ ing in m y w h o le being. U sually I lim it m y sense o f “I” to m y body. T h e re are inside and outside, subject and object. I see m y b o d y and the th in gs around m e separately. But I do not see this force in m y body, this force that creates bo th m y b o d y and the th in gs arou nd m e. Yet I am at the sam e tim e this force, this form and this consciousness. T h e consciousness unites the w h o le in a single B eing, the consciousness “ I A m .” T h is is the o n ly B e­ ing, the eternal Being. T h e one w h o sees is n o t outside consciousness; he does not see him self. H e Is. T o Be is to rea lize “I A m .” I offer m y s e lf to this realization . N o th in g else exists besides this opening. I g iv e m y s e lf to it— now, and all the tim e, "I A m .” T h e re is not one m om en t w h en I am not. But I m ust su bm it to th is reality and, w h eth er it appears or disappears, alw ays b e ready to op en to it. T h is prepares m e to pen etrate m y tru e nature. T h e re m u st b e an u n co n d i­ tional subm ission to so m eth in g w h o se gran d eu r I reco gn ize. It is not

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en o u g h to w a n t the tru e “ I,” the Self, to be revealed because I desire it. T h is m eans that I co m m an d the Self, that I feel in a sense m ore im p or­ tant th an it. Rather, I m u st aw ait its w ill. I m ust have faith in it, not a blind b e lie f bu t a faith that is conscious. M y sole reason to Be is to rec­ o g n iz e the Self. Who am I? T h is question resonates in m y P resence as if, from a cen tral source, an ex tra o rd in a ry p o w er w e re m a k in g its existence felt. It is as i f an u n d erly in g cu rren t w e re created that brings m e the exp eri­ ence o f a n e w life. I feel I need to b eco m e conscious o f this pow er, to attu ne m y s e lf w ith this sou rce in order to be co nn ected to it and obey it. T h is w ish for consciousness is lik e a dem an d for constant purifica­ tion, the center o f attraction to w ard w h ich the rays o f m y attention converge. F rom all the parts o f m yself, m y attention is activated to concentrate on this cen tral vibration. W h e n m y th ou gh t and feelin g are attu n ed to it, an o th er k n o w led g e o f m y s e lf is revealed, and I feel m y qu estion differently. In the experience o f k n o w in g , w h at takes place is a d irect m ovem en t, like an electric current. T h e k n o w in g is an experience o f b ein g b ecau se at this m om en t I k n o w m y state o f being.

82. M y true nature is consciousness T h ere is in m e a su fferin g in b ein g lim ited. I do not accept form s lim ­ ited b y tim e o r ch ange, space or m ultiplicity. T h ere is a sole, a unique en e rg y w ith in w h ic h ch an ge takes place bu t w h ich itse lf is alw ays the sam e. It takes d ifferent fo rm s bu t tends to reintegrate into w h a t in es­ sence it is— infinite, one. I have an irresistible w ish to be m yself, free o f all that w e ig h s m e d ow n , all that m akes m e dependent. I w ish the hap­ piness o f b e in g en tirely m yself, w ith o u t any reservation. I feel it is not to b e so u gh t o utside m yself, in so m eo n e o r in so m eth in g else. T h e o n ly source o f happiness is the fact o f being, w ith o u t e x p ectin g any profit or rew ard , ju st the revelation o f what is. I love what is. I hold m y s e lf here try in g to see m y b arriers— m y tensions, m y th o u g h ts— so that, in this seeing, th ey can fall b y them selves. I do not ju d g e th em o r w is h to substitute so m eth in g better. I b ecom e sensitive

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to so m eth in g th ey hide to w ard w h ich I am d raw n , as b y a m agn et. It is as th ou gh I pass beyond. A n d I have an other im pression o f m yself, an im pression o f m atter that is alive, o f a life in w h ich the density o f m y b o d y disappears. T h e n I com e to a second threshold, w h ere I feel that I am no lon ger a com pact m ass but an in fin ity o f liv in g particles in m ovem ent, in vibration. I feel m y s e lf as particip atin g in a B ein g w h o se force gives m e life, w h ich I th en radiate around m e. It is lik e a kind o f cosm ic b reath in g in w h ich I take part. I m ust n ever forget w h a t g ives life to the form . T h e fo rm alone does not exist. T h a t w h ich "is" in the form , that w h ich has taken form , is the essence o f w h a t is qu estio n in g in m e. I seek therefore to retu rn to the source. T h e m ore the "I" seeks to k n o w itself, the m ore it p artici­ pates in consciousness and the less in the b o d y in w h ich it is subm erged. A ll th in k in g com es fro m the th o u g h t “ I.” But fro m w h ere does the th ou gh t “I” com e? W h e n w e lo o k w ith in and retu rn to the source, the th ou gh t “ I” disappears. A n d w h e n it disappears, the feelin g “ I am ” ap­ pears b y itself. T h e n w e attain consciousness, o u r tru e nature. W h e n w e k n o w o u r tru e "I," so m eth in g em erges fro m the depths o f b ein g and takes over. It is beh in d the m ind. It is infinite, d ivin e, eternal. W e call it the soul. T h ere is no death. Life can n ot die. T h e co a tin g is u sed up, the form disintegrates. D eath is an end— the end o f e v e ry th in g k n o w n . It is a fearfu l th in g because w e clin g to the k n o w n . But life is. It is alw ays here, even i f for us it is the u n k n o w n . W e can k n o w life o n ly after w e k n o w death. W e m ust die to the k n o w n and enter the u n k n o w n . W e need to die volun tarily. W e h ave to free o urselves fro m the k n o w n . O n ce free, w e can enter the u n k n o w n , the void, the com plete stillness, w h ere there is no d eterioration— the o n ly state in w h ich w e can find out w h a t life is and w h a t love is. W h ich is real: w h at I am conscious of, or consciousness itself? D eep d ow n in m y b ein g I am already w h a t I seek. T h is is the im petus o f m y w h o le search. W h e n consciousness is here, I realize that consciousness is me. I and all that surrounds m e are the sam e consciousness. M y tru e nature is consciousness.

176

W H O AM I?

T h e search for m y se lf becom es the quest for the Self, m ore and m ore profound. T h e C rea to r appears as the "I,” the "Self.” W h e th er it is m an ifest or n o n m an ifest is im m aterial w h e n one rem ains turn ed tow ard it. T h e re is no o bject to know . T h e S e lf is alw ays the Self, and to know the S e lf is to be the Self. W h e n the tru e nature is k n o w n , there is B ein g w ith o u t b e g in n in g o r end— im m o rta l consciousness.

VIII

TOWARD A NEW BEING

T he Fourth Way is a way o f understanding that requires the awakening o f another intelligence. The level o f being is determined by w hat enters into one’s Presence at a given moment, that is, the number o f centers w hich participate and the conscious relation between them. T h e first conscious shock— to awake to oneself— is fo r coming to a more collected state that allows us to open to our being. It is necessary to die to oneself in order to be born again— that is, to die to one level o f being in order to rise to another. The waves, the movement and the energy are one and the same. W ha t is important is to understand the energy itself, the pure energy. M y w ish to b e is a cosmic w ish, and my being needs to situate itse lf in a world o f forces. There is a cosmic need fo r the new being that I could become. T he Fourth Way has always existed, but only w ithin a limited circle. Today it can renew the weakening link between the two levels o f the cosmos.

M Y B E I N G IS W H A T I A M

83. Can being change? O rd in a ry life is u nd er the law o f the circle o f m ech an ical influences. T h e w a y o f d evelopm ent o f b ein g is opposed to ev ery d ay life. It is based on oth er principles, subject to o th er law s. T h is is the secret o f its p o w er and its m eaning. W ith o u t the help o f a w ay, o f an in flu en ce o f another order, no chan ge o f b ein g is possible. T h e F ourth W ay is a w a y o f understan din g. T h e m ag n etic center w h ich leads one to a gro u p fo llo w in g the F ou rth W a y is d ifferent from that w h ich leads to w ard a m on astery, a school o f y o g a or an ashram . T h is w a y dem ands anoth er kin d o f initiative. It dem ands a broad m ind and discernm ent, that is, the ab ility to d istin gu ish the m ech anical fro m the conscious in oneself. It requires the a w a k en in g o f another intelligence. W h a t can b e attained does not depend on obedience. T h e k n o w led ge that results is prop ortio n al to the state o f aw a k en in g, o f understanding. T h e F ou rth W ay b egin s from the idea o f d ifferen t levels o f being. But w h a t is being? T h e level o f b ein g is d eterm in ed b y w h a t enters into one's Presence at a g iv en m om en t, that is, the n u m ber o f centers w h ich participate and the conscious relation b etw e en them . T h e level o f b e ­ in g d eterm ines e v e ry th in g in o u r lives, in clu d in g o u r understanding. M y b ein g tod ay is not unified. It is dispersed, and th erefore w ith o u t

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consciousness. C a n b e in g change? C a n m y b e in g b ecom e different fro m w h a t it is today? T h is is w h ere the idea o f evolution, o f w ork, b e­ gins. T h e first step is to re co g n ize that th ro u g h a certain effort I can live a m om en t o f m ore com plete P resence. T h e n I w ill see that the slightest difference in th e level o f b e in g opens n e w possibilities to k n o w and to act. M y b e in g is w h a t I am . Since I do not k n o w m y se lf as I am , I do not k n o w m y being. I do n o t even believe I need this k n o w led ge. But u n ­ less I acqu ire all that is possible on the level at w h ich I am , I cann ot receive m ore, I can n ot understan d m ore. A t the sam e tim e, I m ust rec­ o g n iz e that u n d erstan d in g can o n ly ch an ge little b y little. A m om en t o f n e w u n d erstan d in g b rin gs a certain k n o w led ge , but this is insuffi­ cient to tran sfo rm m y bein g. N evertheless, it can sh o w m e that in m y present state o f b e in g I am unable to receive m ore, and can o n ly con­ sider the n ext step. If, for exam ple, I see that I am dispersed, and not collected , I can w o r k on this step. O n ly w h e n I have tru ly understood this one w ill I be able, in a collected state, to see the n ext step tow ard feelin g m y P resence as a w hole. C h a n g e in b e in g com es about th ro u g h transform ation. In the anal­ o g y G u rd jie ff used, it is lik e a m ix tu re o f m etallic p ow ders transform ed into a ch em ical co m p ou n d th ro u g h a process o f fusion. T h is requires a special kin d o f fire, a heat p rod u ced b y “ frictio n ” in the inn er stru ggle b e tw e en yes and no. T h e resu ltin g co m p ou n d corresponds to the sec­ ond body, the form atio n o f a single "I,” w h o le and indivisible, w h ich is “ in d ivid u a l” in that it can resist influ en ces fro m outside and live its o w n life. T h is ch em ical co m p ou n d can then, b y a certain w o rk , u n ­ dergo fu rth e r change. T h e F o u rth W a y is to b e lived, experienced, not sim ply th ou gh t or believed. T h e ideas b ro u g h t b y G u rd jie ff co n tain k n o w led g e fro m a h igh er level that w e m u st liv e in order to understand. But this k n o w l­ ed ge is in code. T h is m eans that any person sp eak in g about w o rk, or o th erw ise a ttem p tin g to pass on this k n o w led ge , m ay not k n o w w h at he is ta lk in g about. U nless w e are able to liv e the ideas and decipher the

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code, this k n o w led g e w ill alw ays be deform ed , b e u sed for o th er ends, and produce results co n trary to its o rig in a l m ean in g. T h e dem and to live the tea ch in g im plies respect for form s that have been given , but w ith o u t b e in g afraid to m o d ify th em w h en that the need is indicated b y sound understanding. It also calls for a certain attitude tow ard traditional teachin gs. W e should not a llo w false co m ­ p lacency to close o u r m inds to o th er w ays. Indeed, w e can find m an y principles and practices in co m m o n . But com parisons can b e u sefu l on ly after w e have u n d erstood the w a y that has b een tran sm itted to us. W e have to g u a rd against ju d g in g w ith o u r m in d before w e h ave al­ lo w ed o u r intuition, w h ich is at the h eart o f th e experience, to b rin g us kn ow led ge. S tu d yin g gen eral them es is one th in g, bu t fo llo w in g steps on another w a y is v e ry different, esp ecially ex p erim e n tin g w ith prac­ tices o f other teachin gs. If w e tru ly enter this w ay, the experience en ­ gages the en erg y in certain chann els to p rod u ce results that depend on u nderstanding. In this case, to approach an oth er tea ch in g is a serious m atter, especially i f one subm its to a practice o r discipline th at p ro ­ duces a shock on the m ind. I f the resu lt does n o t com e fro m u nd er­ standing, it can b rin g an attitude, ev en a crystallizatio n , th at leaves no freedom to go further.

84. The intensity must increase E ve ry th in g in the u n iverse d eclin es o r evolves in an endless m ovem en t o f energy. A cco rd in g to G urdjieff, the law s u n d erly in g this u n iversal process w e re k n o w n to ancient science, w h ich assigned m an his proper place in the cosm ic order. In o u r lives w e never fu lly accom plish w h a t w e intend to do. A ll our m ovem ents and actions are subject to the L a w o f Seven. T h e y b e g in in one direction but cann ot pass the in terval in the octave. W e g o u p to the note mi and return to do. T o g o further, there m ust be an additional force from w ith in and fro m w ith ou t. T oday it is m ain ly o u r head, our th ou gh t, that is tou ch ed b y th e w o rk . T h e b o d y and the fe e lin g are

TOWARD A NEW BEING

indifferent and reco gn ize no dem and so lo n g as th ey are content. T h e y live in the m om en t itself and their m em o ry is short. Yet the w ish m ust com e from the feelin g, and the p o w er to do, the “capacity,” m ust com e from the body. T h ese separate parts each have a different attention, w h o se force and duration depend on the m aterial th ey have received. T h e part that has received m ore m aterial has m ore attention. W e believe w e can w o rk w ith o u t intensity, but this w ill not lead to real change. T o a llo w a contact w ith the h igh er centers, the inten sity o f the lo w er centers m ust increase. T h ese centers, each o f w h ich vibrates at a d ifferent frequency, m u st com e to the sam e speed. W e have to proceed , as in an o ctave, fro m level to level, learn in g to see the dis­ tan ce b e tw e e n en ergies and re co g n iz in g that th ey can com e togeth er o n ly th ro u g h intensification. W h a t is n ecessary in us as w e ll as around us is to create a m ore active e n erg y that is able to resist su rrou n d in g influ en ces and find a stable place b e tw e e n tw o currents o f different levels. Even w ith o u t conscious effort, the b o d y produces a v e ry fine en­ e rg y or m aterial, the final prod u ct o f the transform ation o f food, w h ich G u rd jieff called si 12. T h is is the m aterial used b y the sex center w h ich , w h en u n ited w ith its m ale or fem ale cou n terpart, can d evelop indepen­ d ently as a n e w o rgan ism . But it can also participate in a n e w octave w ith in th e body. W h e n all th e cells are perm eated w ith this m atter, there can be a cry stalliza tio n , a form atio n o f a second body. T h e w ay o f the shrew d, the astute m an — the accelerated w a y that G u rd jieff called “ haida y o g a ”— includes the transm utation o f the en erg y si 12 for the d evelo p m en t o f the h igh er bodies. G u rd jieff never spoke o f this delicate w o rk , or even g ave explicit indications about it, but there is a k e y to b e found. For exam ple, th e frictio n w ith in us that is necessary to p rod u ce the substance for o u r “ I” is identical w ith w h at takes place extern a lly b e tw e e n the m ascu lin e force and the fem inin e force in ac­ tion. T h e p o w e r o f si 12 is evid en t in the experience o f sexu al union, w h ich is for m ost people the o n ly experience that allo w s an o p en in g to a state o f u n ity w ith o u t conscious effort. T h e rh yth m s o f all the fu n c­ tion s su bm it to this experience, and th ere is a fleetin g m om en t o f hap­

My Being Is W hat I Am piness w h en one feels the absence o f the o rd in a ry "I.” A ll to o o ften w e seek to forget the se lf in this intense passion, an identification in w h ich w e can lose ourselves com pletely. But im m ed ia tely afterw ard the "I” reclaim s its rights and w e retu rn to the n a rro w circle o f o u r o rd in a ry th ou gh ts and feelin gs. W ith o u t an u n d erstan d in g o f th e forces at play, the experience serves no pu rpose in the search for consciousness.

85. Degrees o f the octave In G u r d jie ff s teachin g, w o rk passes th ro u g h the d egrees o f the octave, degrees o f intensity. H e described the process as follow s. First, there is a note, a vib ratio n that com es fro m a h igh er octave and sounds as do. It is lik e an o p en in g to a n e w visio n o f a q u a lity that w as not here before, to an idea fro m a h igh er source. T h en , because o f a relation b etw e en the energies, a stron ger in ten sity b eg in s to appear, a vibration g iv en b y a h igh er octave. W e h ave feelin gs, sensations, b e ­ lo n gin g to layers that are deeper, and pass to th e level re. A n e w seeing appears that b rings a n e w u nd erstan d in g, a con viction . H ere, there is a certain light, bu t it is still insufficient. It has the p o w e r to illu m in ate w h at surrounds it, but one feels a necessity not to project outside. T h e attention m ust stay free. W h a t sees appears m ore essential th an w h at is seen. W e com e to an in ten sity o f p erception o f the idea that can n ot b e m ore intense. W e are at th e note mi. T h e p roxim ity o f another d egree appears, a sensation o f another possible level. N evertheless, it seem s inaccessible b y the sam e m eans, w ith o u t the interven tion o f n e w help. O n e feels that to pass to this n ew d egree, the v iv ify in g p o w er o f the idea m ust increase. T h is does not depend on the idea alone. It needs a support that w ill a llo w it to last, a force b y w h ich it can be nourished. T h is is an im portan t m om ent. T h e th in k in g is no lon ger enough. A second center m ust co m e into play. T h e w h ole b o d y m ust vo lu n tarily offer its participation. It m ust a llo w this force to intensify th ro u gh it, to m anifest. It feels the qu ality o f this force and refuses its autom atism in order to receive the action. T h e b o d y sub­ m its consciously in order to a llo w the conscious m an ifestation o f this

TOWARD A NEW BEING

force fro m another level. T h is is decisive. T h e stru ggle is b etw een tw o octaves— one m u st take authority and the oth er accept it. If this is re­ solved in favor o f an inner sensation, the in terval is passed— the octave is saved. T h is is the note fa that sounds. T h e sensation m u st be d e fin ite ;^ needs to b ecom e established. It m ust exist in m y P resence as a co m plete sensation— stable, w ith all the n e w ideas and feelin gs th at accom p an y it— in order to pass to the de­ g ree sol. T h en , exa ctly w h a t to o k place w ith the origin al idea begins again. But this tim e there is n o lon ger a force fro m outside. It takes place w ith a force o f m y o w n . T h e th in k in g and th e b o d y are no lon ger en ou gh. A n e w feelin g m ust appear— the feelin g o f being. I feel m yself subject to a force that is b eyo n d m e, a w ill that is beyon d m e, and I see the process o f in n er tran sform ation in ten sify in the fire o f the w ish to be. T h e concentration then reaches its peak. A n d fro m the u n ion o f these th ree forces appears the independence o f the sensation o f self, the consciousness o f s e lf w ith its o w n in d ivid ual life— a n e w octave. T h e o ctaves are su perposed and m u st n o t m ix. D escen t is obliga­ to ry if one m ixes w ith vibration s o f lo w er notes.

86. First and second conscious shocks In the ascen d in g o ctav e to w a rd consciousness, rem em b erin g o n eself is the sh o ck th at is n ecessa ry to pass the in terva l b e tw e e n mi and fa — the first co n sciou s shock. It brin g s a force th at can o n ly com e fro m the w ish , th e w ill. W e m u st m ak e th e w ill g r o w d egree b y d egree, step b y step. T h e cu rren t in w h ich w e live keeps us at a level on the earth on w h ich the en erg y is taken co n tin u a lly in reactions. T h is is because our centers are not related. W ith o u t a relation, there are o n ly reactions, and the e n e rg y is n o t transform ed . T ran sform ation is possible o n ly th ro u g h relation w ith a h igh er energy. A relation is indispensable, a conscious and sustained relation. But the state in w h ich w e live, the level o f en erg y o f o u r th ou g h t and o f o u r body, does not a llo w us to receive the action o f this h igh er energy. It is as th o u g h it did not exist.

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185

It is m y o rd in a ry "I” that does n o t a llo w this relation. T h e m aterial o f m y th ou gh t keeps its authority, and prevents the autom atic m o v e ­ m ent from stopping. M y b o d y is not su fficien tly tou ch ed . In order to p rovoke a stop, su fferin g is n ecessary so that a th ird force can appear. T h en the attention b ecom es vo lu n tary — I w ish not to be taken, I w ish to rem ain free. A t this v e ry m om en t I feel I m ust h ave the freed o m to be. I experience a w ill for freedom . T h e d egree o f this w ill o f the atten­ tion produces an o p en in g o f m y b o d y to a finer energy. E ve ry th in g depends on this openin g. I need to feel the en erg y in m y m in d and in m y b o d y sim u ltaneou sly w ith the sam e force. M y atten tion needs to last and not dim inish. A ll the centers are involved. If one reaches fa, it can d raw the others tow ard fa. A ll the centers m ust be in front o f the interval for the inten­ sity o f vibration to increase. T h e relation b etw e en the centers is the sh ock necessary to pass the interval, w h ich w ill never b e passed w ith ­ out it. In o u r w o rk in g on this relation, a force appears, and w e then feel a vibration that opens the door to a d ifferent level. In p roceed in g fu rth e r w ith the octave, the qu estion o f the second conscious sh ock can appear o n ly w h e n I h ave b ee n co n sciou sly present for a sufficiently lo n g tim e. In this effo rt o f P resence, m y fee lin g w a rm s up and is transform ed. It purifies itself, and m y em otion s b eco m e p osi­ tive. But this does not last; m y em otion s fall b a ck and again b ecom e as usual. T h is show s that w h a t in m e observes, w h a t w atch es, has no w ill. T h e interval b etw e en si and do is v e ry d ifficu lt to pass. I seek to be present to w h a t I am , but I do not feel it. It does not to u ch m e. I feel m y incapacity: I have n o feelin g, n o substance, that w o u ld a llo w m e to b eco m e conscious o f m yself. In this co n flict a feel­ in g appears that is d ifferent fro m m y h abitual em otions. T h e question o f m y s e lf has a n e w urgency. I m u st b e here for m y fu n ctio n s to obey, and for this there is a need for w ill. I feel that I do not h ave it bu t that I can call it. I m ust will, because I am. T h is second sh ock— an em otional shock— changes the w h o le ch aracter o f a person. W h e n w e can rem em b er ourselves, b e open to ourselves, for lon g en ough , w e are pu t to the test b y the in terven tio n o f th e su bjective “ I”

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in the face o f o th er peo p le’s m an ifestations tow ard us. A t the m om ent the im pression is received b y the m ind, I react. It is w ith this reaction that the n o tion o f “I” bursts forth. I id en tify w ith the form projected by m y th ou gh t. So, i f I w is h to g o fu rther, I need to be shocked, shaken, by seein g the selfish reaction o f m y ego, d efen din g itself ou t o f fear o f b e­ in g denied. In order to be free fro m this fear, I h ave to experience it, to w h o lly live w ith e v e ry th in g it entails. W ith a second conscious shock, it is possible that consciousness opens and w e see reality. T h is is an em otional understanding o f truth. A t this m om en t I realize that m y em otion is no longer the same. T h ere is no closing, no negation. I do not refuse. I do not accept. W ith this vigilan ce, w h ich does not choose, a n e w feelin g appears and a n ew u n ­ derstanding, not b o rn fro m opposites. T h is is a feelin g that em braces ev eryth in g , a feelin g o f unity, o f being. I am transform ed, and in this n e w state I feel a n e w order appear.

A C O L L E C T E D STATE

87. Repeat, repeat T h e first conscious sh ock— to aw ake to o n e se lf— is for co m in g to a m ore collected state, a state that allo w s us to o p en to o u r bein g. W h e n m y en erg y is contained, it does not serve the sam e aim s as w h e n it is bein g eaten b y all the outside influences. Because it has an oth er q u al­ ity, the en erg y can serve o th er aim s, enter in to o th er com binations. W e are in fro n t o f th e absolute n ecessity fo r a ch a n g e in o u r in n er state. A s it is, o u r state d oes n o t a llo w us to rem ain free. T h e r e is no u n ity in us, so th e e n e rg y is taken . A s w e co m e to u n d erstan d this, w e tr y to m ain ta in a state th at is m o re related, m o re co llected . But w e are still not tran sfo rm ed , and w e easily lose this state. W h a t m akes us lose it? T h e relation b e tw e e n m y m in d and m y b o d y is not stron g en ou gh . T h e eg o is alw ays here. I am not anim ated b y an en erg y o f such in ten ­ sity that it cou ld com pletely transform m e. Today, th is is n o t possible. I need to pass th ro u g h d ifferent stages in w h ich th e relation b e tw e e n the m ind and the b o d y becom es stron ger and stron ger u n til I no lon ger feel th em as separate but as a single Presence. For this I need to keep a certain inten sity in m y s e lf that n o th in g can m ake m e lose. W h e n I see m y s e lf dispersed, n o t collected , I do not tr y to b rin g m y se lf back. T h is w o u ld be forcing. I rem ain in front o f this dispersion.

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T h e n there is a sp on taneou s m o v em en t o f lettin g go. I becom e con­ scious o f w h a t it m eans to be. H ere is the secret— to see and to suffer. T h e re is reality and, at the sam e tim e, there is “m e"— m y o rd in ary “I”— w h ich pursues an attitude that w ill let it preserve its continuity. It m ay be afraid for m om ents, bu t it is c u n n in g and never tru ly shaken. So lo n g as I have not seen this and su ffered w ith it, n o th in g n e w w ill appear. I m u st accept this. A collected state is a state o f co llected attention, in w h ich the atten­ tion is as w h o le as possible. T h is state does not com e about b y m y th ou g h t reso lvin g to b e collected in order to obtain so m eth in g better. It com es b y seeing— th ro u g h the v isio n o f m y dispersion, o f the lack. In order to see better, I co llect m yself. T h e atten tion w h ich w as taken is freed to en ga ge in a m o v em en t that is m ore active, m ore charged w ith intention. In this it responds to the deepest w ish in m e, the w ish to be w h a t I am . A double m o v em en t takes place: a m ovem en t o f a w aken ­ ing, o f sensitivity, o f visio n and a m o v em en t o f lettin g go, o f receptiv­ ity, w h ich needs to b eco m e deeper. T h e tw o m ovem en ts com plem ent each other. Yet, because this has to be perceived at the v e ry m om ent, and e v e ry th in g is co n tin u a lly u ncertain , it requ ires an attention that is alw ays finer, m ore and m ore alert, acute. T h e n there is a m om en t w h e n it seem s a b len d in g takes place. A g reat tra n q u illity appears, like a silence. In order for m e to com e to a collected state, the sensation, the th in k in g and the fee lin g h ave to tu rn inw ard , try in g to find a co m m o n tem po, an accord in w h ich th ey do not d iverge and d isconn ect so eas­ ily. W ith o u t this prior accord n o th in g can b e done and no conscious attention can appear. T h e better the accord, the m ore righ t the action. T h e re is a seeing o f o n e se lf and o f the response to be expressed, w h ich takes the w h o le into account. W e m ust accept that the state o f dispersion is no rm al so lon g as w e have a lim ited ca p a city to concentrate. W e have to repeat and repeat co m in g to a co llected state. O n ly rep etitio n w ill lead to sh o rte n in g the tim e req u ired for preparation and in crease the tim e available for practice.

A Collected State

189

T h ere is an exercise that w as sp ecially created for co m in g to a col­ lected state. I b e g in b y represen tin g w ith all m y atten tion that I am surrounded b y an atm osphere exten d in g a yard, m ore o r less. T h is at­ m osphere is displaced acco rd in g to the m ovem en ts o f the th in k in g . I concentrate all m y attention to prevent the atm osphere fro m escaping beyond its lim its. T h e n I d ra w it in consciously, as th o u g h su ck in g it in. I feel, th ro u gh o u t the body, the ech o o f "I,” and silently say “am .” I ex­ perience the total sensation o f being.

88. M y thought does not wander A ll the tim e I need to retu rn and d eepen w h a t G u rd jieff called the ‘ co l­ lected state” so that it b ecom es indispensable to m e. T h is is a state in w h ich m y centers try to be attu ned in order to k n o w this bein g, the bein g that I am . W h e n all the centers are en gaged in the sam e ques­ tion, th ey aw aken and com e closer. W h e n th e y are tru ly together, I can be, and I can do so m eth in g consciously. But o n ly w h e n th ey are together. W h e n I am in m y u su al state, I am taken b y th e p a rticu lar associa­ tions that last tou ch ed m y self-love, such as v a n ity or envy. T h is is m y unconscious th in kin g. W h e n I am collected , I have an oth er q u a lity o f thought. W h a t d eterm ines a co llected state is that m y th o u g h t does not wander. It does not leave m e. W ith associations m y th o u g h t w anders, but w h e n I am co llected it rem ains in m e. M y fee lin g also does not project itself. I am o ccu pied w ith feelin g “ I am .” W h e n I am collected, m y th ou gh t is conscious. But o n ly w h en I am collected. I w a n t to learn to be in a m ore collected state but can n ot because m y th ou ght, m y sensation and m y fee lin g are n o t in accord in ta k in g an action. I have a sensation o f m y body, but m y fee lin g is indifferent. I th in k o f bein g, bu t m y b o d y is occu pied w ith so m eth in g else. A n d yet w h at I am , in fact, is a body, th ou g h t and feelin g. Even th o u g h I k n o w this, I cann ot experience th em at the sam e tim e. T h e y do not all have the sam e inten sity or even lo o k in the sam e direction. I feel m y s e lf d i­ vided, uncertain.

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190

Seeing m y state m akes certain tensions fall. I am less on the surface. M y attention is m ore pen etratin g and reaches deeper in m e. I let go, not in order to relax but because the m ore I let go, the stronger the m ove­ m ent o f co llectin g becom es, the m ovem en t o f co m in g together. I let go in order to feel contained in m yself. I concentrate on the point w h ere m y th ou ghts arrive and disappear, and I g o beyond. M y effort is not to suppress the thoughts. I see that th ey are shadow s, phantom s. I let them float. T h o u gh ts have n o substance. T h e substance is in the source. T h e m in d is then capable o f tru e silence, o f a tran q u illity that com es w h e n it has seen its o w n a ctiv ity form a center separate from the rest, w h ich lim its it. W ith o u t this tranq uillity, m y m ind w ill never be capable o f k n o w in g its o w n m ovem en t. A n d its m ovem en t is im ­ m ense, im m easurable. O u r m in d is o u r in stru m en t for search— so lo n g as it is not in flu en ced b y ready-m ade answ ers. C a n the m ind be in a state o f n o t kn o w in g? C a n it be so in a w a y that is true, sim ply a fact, not an affirm ation? I f the m in d can rem ain in fron t o f this, accept it as true, feel p o o r in k n o w led ge , the m in d can really be in a state that is the h igh est fo rm o f th in k in g . T h e n the m in d is acute, profound, clear, w ith o u t lim its, and can receive so m eth in g new. I am here, v e ry still, w ith o u t k n o w in g w h a t I am , w ith o u t m akin g efforts to know . I see that k n o w led g e can n ot be grasped. M y m ind has b eco m e quiet, w ith o u t m ovem en t, related to the sensation o f this still­ ness and to a feelin g o f this state o f being. T h e re is stillness, but it is not em pty. In this collected state, a reality b eg in s to w o rk in m e. It is not I w h o apprehends, w h o k n o w s th is reality. It m akes itself k n o w n . I have to let its action w o rk. I feel the n eed for a le ttin g go, and I relax natu­ rally. A ll m y centers are m ore sensitive, m ore acute, m ore perceptive. T h e re are layers o f m y s e lf that I have n ever penetrated. To see this frees m e.

89. I feel, I sense, I watch O u r w o rk is to understan d b etter the collected state, a state in w h ich I en gage in a n e w order. Each part o f m e has its place in m ain tain in g a

A Collected State

19 1

u n ity w ith o u t w h ich no real k n o w led g e and no conscious action are possible. In order to experience this collected state, I try to understand m y presence in this body, w h a t I am in this body. I open to a sensation, an im pression carried b y the nerves to the brain. U su ally w h en this takes place it im m ed iately arouses su ggestion s or associations w ith past ex­ perience, and sets in m otion all that is in m y m em ory. T h ese get m ixed up w ith the im pression, o b scu rin g it so that I can n ot k n o w w h a t is real. A ll o u r sensations are distorted b y this. So I see that a sensation o f the real in m y s e lf w ill depend on b ein g less invad ed b y su ggestion s and associations, on bein g freer fro m them . For this, th eir m o v em en t m ust subside, slow d ow n . It depends v e ry m u ch on the state o f m y m uscles and on m y breathing. A b o ve all, there m u st be a real relation b etw e e n m y m ind and m y body. First, I need to find a position o f m y b o d y in w h ich there is n o pres­ sure or tension to hind er a p u re sensation. I try to find a righ t posture. E veryth in g is still, relaxed, and yet alive. T h e join ts, the m uscles, even the skin, need to be relaxed. I pay g reat atten tion to the skin. T h e sen­ sation o f the b o d y changes. I am here, I am still, w ith a sensation o f reality. But in order for it to be true, so m eth in g m ore is needed. I feel m y o w n existence, but I also sense it. T h e a w a k en in g o f m y fee lin g im ­ m ediately calls the participation o f m y thou ght. I f e e l . . . I sense . . . I watch. A n d I see that, in this state, this relation m ust be closely fol­ low ed b y the attention or it w ill im m ed ia tely b e lost. W e are too ready to lose it. H ere w e need to have a w ill that does not com e fro m an af­ firm ation, a hard enin g, o f one o f o u r fu n ctio n s— o n ly the w ill to be. I f e e l . . . I sense . . . I watch. If I am su fficiently aw ake, w ith m y en erg y en tirely collected, I have the im pression o f a liv in g Presence. I k n o w this Presence b y the sensation I have o f it. But I k n o w its nature, its quality, by the feelin g w h ich is also here. W ith o u t it this q u a lity w ill not be revealed. A n d becau se there is a ray o f th o u g h t w h ich lights up the w h ole, I aw ake to the fact that "I am .” But I am disconcerted b y this im pression. I do not rem ain co l­ lected. M y attention fluctuates. Som etim es it is m y sensation that takes

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TOWARD A NEW BEING

m e, som etim es th e feelin g, som etim es th e th ou gh t. A n d in this activa­ tion th ey leave the general rh yth m , the gen eral tem p o o f m y being. In order to find it again, I need to qu iet the instability, and I let go natu­ rally and deeply. I learn the tru e m ea n in g o f relaxing. I let go, I g ive up, for the sake o f collectedness. W h e n the relaxation is deep en ou gh and I am m ore collected , I see that the state o f m y b o d y has great im p or­ tance for the capacity o f m y attention. R eg u la tin g the glo b al “ton u s”— the o vera ll degree o f tautness o f the th in k in g , sensation and feelin g— ch an ges the sense o f inner space in w h ich m ovem en ts o f en erg y take place. O n ce a certain stability is established, it b ecom es possible to capture the en erg y spent in auto­ m atic fu n ctio n in g and m ain tain the th o u g h t on a chosen support. By in flu en cin g the rh yth m o f ideas that arise, this p rovides a kind o f m as­ tery o ver the associations, m a k in g it possible to becom e aw are o f the flo w o f th ou gh ts w ith o u t in terferen ce or censure. T h ere can then be a cu rren t o f u n ified th ou ght.

90. H ow do I listen> W e are try in g to understan d a state o f quietness in w h ich w e could b ecom e conscious o f the reality o f life. T h is w o u ld be w ith o u t exp ect­ in g so m eth in g, w ith o u t w is h in g for so m eth in g, and w ith o u t b e lie f or fear. For this I need to be seated in a right postu re, neither too h igh nor to o low , feelin g that this place is m y o w n , in this spot and in this body. I am quiet in fron t o f quietness itself. I consider m yself, I lo o k at m y state and w h at it allow s, and at the sam e tim e I loo k at the different parts o f m yself. I see th ey are each o c­ cupied differently. T h e b o d y is passive, heavy, asleep. I sense its weight. T h e head is restless, d ream ing, su ggestin g ideas and im ages. I sense its tension. I even sense in w h ich part o f the head I am tense. M y feelin g is indifferent. But in m y w a y o f loo kin g, som eth in g is in question— m y self, w h at I am . A n d I see that I cann ot answer. In the state I am in, I cannot know . I am not free. I am in question, so I listen. H o w do I listen? M y th o u g h t stops for a m om en t to see better, and the attention

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that is freed tu rn s to m y body. U nder this loo k, m y b o d y aw aken s and becom es sensitive, v e ry sensitive. A contact is established b e tw e e n the b o d y and this th ought. A n d i f the th ou g h t keeps the fu lln ess o f its v i­ sion and the b o d y the w a rm th o f its sensitivity, th is aw aken s another part o f m y s e lf that w a s b e g in n in g to be felt as m issing. T h e ir inten sity w akes up the feeling. I am touched, and I feel a cu rren t is established in m e w h ich is lik e a closed circuit. I feel that I am here, that there is a Presence w ith an en ergy w h ich fills this body. A n d it is the fee lin g I have for this existence, this Presence, that allo w s the aw areness to last. T h is feelin g is fragile, unstable, but I am h elped by the deep need I have for it. I learn w h a t it w o u ld be to have a sen sitivity that tou ch es ev ery ­ th in g in m e. It is never en ou gh. I do not feel; I am not tou ch ed deeply enough. W h e n m y thought, m y sensation and m y feelin g are tu rn ed in the sam e d irection w ith the sam e intensity, there is a change in the state o f consciousness that transform s m e. T h is state can n ot be easily undone from the outside, but can be dem olished in a flash sim ply b y m y inner w eakness, m y passivity. I need a thousan d tim es to experience b o th this possibility and this fra gility together, in order for a n e w w ish , a n ew w ill, to appear. I have to k n o w w h a t I w ish, w h at I profou n dly w ish. I have to k n o w the need o f m y being.

F R O M A N O T H E R LEVEL

91. A more intense energy appears T h e en erg y co m in g fro m the h igh er centers is alw ays here, and I am less or m ore open to it. M y b o d y and m y fu n ctio n s are also here and con stan tly expen d the energy. T h ese are tw o d ifferent w orlds, tw o lev­ els o f life, bu t b e tw e e n the tw o there is nothing. O n one level the head says "yes” and the b o d y says "no.” Yet tw o o p p o sin g forces do not b rin g a consciou s state, a state in w h ic h th ere is n o contradiction. A third factor is necessary, a fa cto r capable o f situ atin g w h a t says "yes” and w h a t says “n o ” in a w h o le, a unity, w h ich is beyo n d their individual existences. T h e re is a m ovem en t o f Presence, a passage, w h ich I need to value. I see that w h e n the atten tion o f the head turn s tow ard the body, the b o d y also b ecom es attentive. T h e m o v em en t o f m y th in k in g changes a little, and that o f the b o d y also. A t the sam e tim e, there is an interest, a feelin g, that aw aken s in m e. But I see th at it is w e ak , that each part has a ten d en cy to w a rd separation, to retu rn to its h abitual m ovem ent. I feel these tw o forces in m e: the “yes” and the “no.” T h is d u a lity is al­ w ays here, bu t 1 do not understand it becau se I do not stay in front and I accept b ein g divided. A lth o u g h a certain m ovem en t o f relation, o f u n i­ fication, occurs, I am unable to resist m y autom atic m ovem ents. M y

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attention is passive and is taken. I suffer, but if it serves n o th in g , this su fferin g does not help. In order to have a relation b etw e en m y th ou gh t and m y sensation, the b o d y needs to b e tou ched b y a th in k in g that com es fro m another level, from a part o f the m ind that brings a m ore subtle, p u rer energy. T h e bo d y feels this m ovem en t o f energy. It understands that it cannot receive it in its passive state, and feels the necessity to open, to let go all its tensions. A n d as soon as the th ou gh t and the b o d y are turn ed tow ard each other, the speed o f vibration changes. T h e b o d y frees itself in order to let the en ergy o f the th ou ght pass. T h e tw o m u st have the sam e force. T h is is the m ost im portan t thing. I l o o k . . . I stay in front. I stay v e ry still to a llo w the en ergy to pass. If m y vision rem ains clear, and i f the force is the sam e in the th ou ght and in the body, under this lo o k an exch ange takes place. A m ore intense energy, w ith a speed I did not know , appears and becom es established in me. It has a n e w quality, a n e w intensity. I need to respect this m ovem ent, to subm it to it. M y b o d y opens to it, m y th in k in g opens— the sam e force, the sam e respect. T h e relation o f th ou gh t and b o d y dem ands a v e ry stron g attention to b rin g about a transform ation o f the energy. W h e n the force co m in g from a little above the head appears, I n eed to g iv e m y s e lf to it. T h e w hole d ifficu lty is here. I do not g iv e m yself. I need to see m y resistance and suffer from it, to see that it is the ego w h ich resists and that the ego needs to g ive up its place. T h is is w h a t is called d yin g to oneself. T h e n there is a gift, a com plete relation that allow s this force to act.

92. Exercise o f divided attention W e could say that the attitude w e take, o u r inn er and outer p ostu re, is at the sam e tim e o u r aim and o u r w ay. I b eg in b y con siderin g m y p h ys­ ical attitude. I see that in m y habitual p o stu re, m y attention is a pris­ oner o f m y b o d y ’s attitude— I am not free. I adjust m y postu re. I ask o f m y b o d y that it free itse lf o f tensions, that it enter into a n e w attitude w h ere there is no tension— m y b a ck v e ry straight, the arm s, the head,

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all w ith o u t the least tension. T h e b rea th in g then has m ore force. It is free. Yet I feel as th o u g h the act o f b reath in g, th o u g h essential, in itself is insufficient. I feel a need to open m ore deeply. W h e n I tu rn the attention o f m y th o u g h t to enter into contact w ith m y body, m y m in d opens. T h e cells th at vibrate are not the sam e as those en ga ged in m y u su al th in k in g . It is a part o f the m ind that can have a relation w ith a m ore subtle, pure energy. T h is is the en ergy o f a h igh er level, w h ich , G u rd jie ff explain ed, is constituted b y the real th ou gh t, the prayer, o f certain bein gs. In order to have a con n ection w ith this level, I need a conduit, lik e a w ir e that reaches as h igh as m y th in k in g allow s. I can then take in, o r rather su ck in, the en ergy and let it pass th ro u g h the conn ection . A s an exercise, g iv e n b y G urdjieff, I d ivide m y attention into tw o equal parts. T h e first h a lf I d irect to sensin g the process o f m y b reath ­ ing. I feel that w h e n I inhale the air, the greater portion, after passing th ro u g h m y lun gs, retu rn s outside, w h ile a sm all p o rtio n rem ains and settles in m e. I feel that this penetrates inside, as th ou gh spreading th ro u g h the w h o le organism . A s o n ly one part o f m y attention is o c­ cupied in o b serv in g the b reath in g, all the associations continue to be noticed b y the free p art o f m y attention. I then d irect this second part to m y brain, try in g to observe clearly the entire process that takes place, and I b eg in to feel so m eth in g ve ry fine, alm ost im perceptible, freein g its e lf fro m the associations. I do not k n o w w h a t this "so m eth in g ” is, bu t I see it appear— sm all, light, so delicate that it can be felt o n ly after practice brings the sensation o f it. H a lf o f m y attention rem ains occu pied w ith the breath in g, and I feel the tw o at the sam e tim e. N o w I d irect this second part o f m y atten tion to assist this fine “so m eth in g ” in m y b rain to flow , or rather fly, d irectly tow ard the solar plexus. W h a t takes place in the b rain is n o t im p ortan t. W h a t is im p or­ tan t is that w h a t appears m ust flo w d irectly to the solar plexus. C o n ­ sciously, I concentrate on this, and at the sam e tim e I feel that I am breath in g. I have no m ore associations. A n d I feel m ore fu lly that “I am ,” “I can,” and “I can w ill.” From the air and from the m ind, I receive

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fo o d for d ifferent bodies, and I see th en w ith certain ty the tw o real sources from w h ich the “ I” can be born. T h e practice o f this exercise b rin gs th e p o ssib ility o f an active th ough t, and w ith active th o u g h t the “ I” b ecom es stronger.

93. M y body needs to open In the m ovem en t o f o p en in g there is a lim it beyo n d w h ich w e do not pass. T o g o fu rth e r it is n ecessary to die to o n e se lf in order to be born again— that is, to die to one level o f b ein g in order to rise to another. W h a t needs to be accom plished— and alw ays rem ains h a lf done— is the com plete relation b etw e en the centers. It requ ires o p en in g to a h igh er force, an e n erg y co m in g fro m a h igh er p art o f the m ind. T h is is the m ost d ifficu lt thin g. I do not w ish to open. In order for the h ig h er force to u n ite w ith the body, the b o d y needs to open en tirely to it. I feel a m o v em en t fro m th e brain that descends to w a rd the body, an e n e rg y co m in g fro m above. In order to k n o w it, m y atten tion has to be v e ry active, w h o lly tu rn e d to w a rd this m ovem en t, and m u st not lose its intensity. W h a t is im p o rtan t is to have the right attitud e in fro n t o f this energy. I m u st feel the necessity to g iv e m y s e lf to it co n scio u sly so th at it can act. T h e n a fee lin g ap­ pears, a n e w en erg y is p rod u ced th at pen etrates m y w h o le body. I am tou ch ed b y the q u a lity o f th is energy. It has an in ten sity and in te lli­ gence, a visio n w h ich I do n o t k n o w in m y u su al state. I feel that I am free, that I am n o t taken. T h is dem ands so m eth in g co m p letely n e w fro m m e. W h a t I am — this active atten tion — needs to find its place b e tw e e n tw o levels so that this e n erg y can last. I am open to this force, and at the sam e tim e I need to act on the level o f life th ro u g h m y autom atism . W ith o u t m e— w ith o u t “ I” b e in g here— this w ill n o t be done. T h e atten tion has to rem ain co n tin u a lly co n sciou s b o th o f this h igh er en erg y and o f the body, o f the force that m akes it live. I am inhabited b y th ese tw o m o v e­ m ents o f e n erg y at the sam e tim e. I f I lose one, I am no lo n ge r able to act in the w orld. If I lose the other, I am taken b y m y reactions, m y

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autom atism . I m u st learn to act and at th e sam e tim e receive im p res­ sions w ith o u t losin g th e o p e n in g to this en e rg y fro m above. I b e g in to see w h a t I h a b itu a lly call “I” and to reco g n ize that b y m y s e lf 1 am noth ing. A t the h eart o f this h u m ility there is a feelin g that com es fro m th e h igh er parts o f m y s e lf and appears like a light, an intel­ ligen ce, and w ith it confidence. T h e n I see I w a n ted to ch an ge som e­ th in g that w as n o t m in e to change. N o w I can serve. I n o lon ger interven e, and a silence com es b y itself. In this silence an u n k n o w n e n erg y is revealed and acts on m e. C on sciou sn ess is here. It does not need to have an object. A lth o u g h it m akes m e aw are o f m y body, in these im pressions it is n o t m y b o d y bu t the ligh t o f consciousness that is perceived. It reveals w h a t I am and w h a t the th in gs around m e are. W h e n I feel a pure energy, w ith o u t lim it, I see that it is sufficient u n to itself. But this e n erg y is in m ovem en t. It has w aves and is alw ays in m ovem en t. T h e w aves, th e m o v em en t and the en ergy are one and the sam e. A n d yet the w a ve is the m ovem en t, not the en ergy itself. W h a t is im p ortan t is to understand the e n erg y itself, the pure energy.

94. A cosmic scale E ach person has an ideal, an aspiration for so m eth in g higher. It takes one fo rm o r another, bu t w h a t m atters is the call to this ideal, the call o f his being. L isten in g to the call is the state o f prayer. W h ile in this state, a m an prod u ces an energy, a special em anation, w h ich religious feelin g alone can bring. T h ese em anations concentrate in the atm o ­ sphere ju st above th e place w h ere th ey are produced. T h e air ev ery ­ w h ere contains them . T h e qu estion is h o w to enter into contact w ith these em anations. By o u r call w e can create a conn ection , like a tele­ graph w ire, w h ich lin ks us, and take in this m aterial in order to let it accu m ulate and cry sta llize in us. W e th en have the possib ility to m an i­ fest its q u a lity and help others understan d— that is, to g iv e it back. T ru e prayer is establishing this contact and b ein g nourished b y it, nou rish ed b y this special m aterial, w h ich is called Grace. A s an exer­

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cise for this, w e breathe in air, th in k in g o f C h rist or Buddha or M o ­ ham m ed, and keep the active elem ents that have b een accum ulated. W e need to understan d the idea o f a cosm ic scale, that there is a lin k co n n ectin g h u m a n ity w ith a h igh er influence. O u r lives, the p u r­ pose o f b ein g alive, can o n ly be u n d erstoo d in relation to forces w h o se scale and gran d eu r g o b eyo n d ourselves. I am here to obey, to o b ey an auth ority that I reco g n ize as g reater because I am a particle o f it. It calls to be reco gn ized , to b e served and to shine th ro u g h m e. T h e re is a need to put m y s e lf under this h igh er in flu en ce and a need to relate to it in su b m ittin g to its service. I do not realize at the outset that m y w ish to be is a cosm ic w ish and that m y b e in g needs to situate itse lf and find its place in a w o rld o f forces. I consider it m y su bjective property, so m e­ th in g I can m ake use o f for personal profit. M y search is o rg a n ized on the scale o f this su bjectivity in w h ich e v e ry th in g is m easu red from a subjective point o f v ie w — m e and G od . Yet at a certain po in t I m ust realize that the o rig in o f the need I feel is not in m e alone. T h e re is a cosm ic need for the n e w bein g that I cou ld becom e. H u m a n ity — a cer­ tain p o rtio n o f h u m a n ity — needs it. A n d I also have a need, w ith their help, to capture the influ en ce that is ju st above me. W e feel that w ith o u t this relation w ith a h igh er energy, life has not m u ch m eaning. But b y ourselves alone, w e w ill not h ave the force to achieve it. A certain curren t, a certain m agn etism , needs to be created in w h ich each person finds his place, that is, the place w h ich w ill p er­ m it the cu rren t to be b etter established. O u r w h o le respon sibility is here. T h e traditional w ays all reco g n ized and served this aim in a m an ­ ner that corresponded to the developm en t o f p eople in a g iv en place and period. T oday w e need to find again the contact w ith this energy. T h is is w h y G u rd jieff b ro u g h t the help o f a F o u rth W ay, w h ich excludes n o th in g and takes account o f the d evelopm en t o f the different fu n ction s in co n tem p o rary people. T h is w a y is not new. It has alw ays existed, but o n ly w ith in a lim ited circle. T oday it can ren ew the w e a k ­ en in g lin k b etw e en the tw o levels o f the cosm os. T h is calls for a great w ork. T h e first step is to establish centers w h ere w e seek to liv e this

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way with others. The experience proceeds with ups and downs, with responsibility more or less assumed, in a play o f forces through which a certain liberation can emerge. But it still involves only a limited num­ ber o f people, and this force needs to be felt on a much larger scale of humanity.

IX

IN A STATE OF U N I T Y

There is only one great life. I can enter into the experience only i f I have first come to unity in m yself only i f I have come to be a whole. I am able to see a form , but I cannot know through my senses the true nature o f w hat it is. My thinking knows form s but cannot grasp the reality behind them. Seeing does not come from thinking. Attention is the conscious force, the force o f consciousness. It is a divine force. The w all o f tensions is the wall o f my ego. Sensation is the essential experience on the road to consciousness. I have to m aintain a continual sensation in all the activities o f my daily life.

T H E A C T OF SEEI NG

95. Another vision I seek what I am, to be what I am. I have a habit o f thinking o f “body,” on the one hand, and o f “spirit or energy” on the other. But nothing exists separately. There is a unity o f life. I wish to live it, and I seek it through a movement o f return toward myself. I say there is an outer life and an inner life. I say this because I feel myself as distinct, as exist­ ing apart from life. There is, however, only one great life. I cannot feel separate from it, outside it, and at the same time know it. I must feel myself a part of this life. But it is not enough to desire this or to seek an intense sensation of it. I can enter into the experience only if I have first come to unity in myself, only if I have come to be a whole. There are two movements in me: a movement o f energy from above which, if I am free enough to listen to it, penetrates and acts through me; and another movement, dispersed and without order, which animates my body, my thought and my feeling. The two are very different, and I cannot bring them into accord. Something is miss­ ing. My attention is unable to follow them at the same time. Some­ times it settles on the void, the infinite, on emptiness; sometimes on the form. W hen the attention settles on emptiness, it is the form that dissolves. When the attention is on the form, the sense o f the void dis­ appears. It is necessary to pay the price.

203

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Can I be free enough to receive what is unknown, behind all my avid movements toward the outside? This unknown, which is behind and beyond, cannot be perceived by my senses. I am able to see a form, but I cannot know through my senses the true nature of what it is. My thinking knows forms but cannot grasp the reality behind them, the reality o f what I am, which appears just before and after each thought or feeling. What we experience— sounds, forms, colors, thoughts— cannot exist without a background. But this background cannot be perceived by my senses. It remains unseen, not experienced. The forms and the reality are parts o f a single whole, but they exist in different dimensions. The real is not affected by the material of my thinking and cannot absorb it. Reality is on another level. Yet the material of my thought absorbs the real and constructs illusions based on forms. The form acts as a veil hiding the reality. When the reality o f myself is not felt, I cannot help but believe in this illusion and call it "I." Neverthe­ less, the illusion is only a mirage which dissolves the moment silence is established. I have to see that there is a space between thoughts, a void that is reality, and I need to remain as long as possible in this space. Then an­ other kind o f thinking appears, clear and intelligent, a thought of an­ other level, another dimension. I see that the usual thought, which is limited and measurable, can never understand that which is beyond measure. With my usual vision I see the physical aspect of the world. W ith this other vision I see another dimension in which the immea­ surable has its own movement. If my centers are absolutely still, with­ out any movement, the energy can pass through them. I see what I did not see before. I see what is. In this seeing there is light, a light that is not ordinary. Things appear and disappear in the void but are illumi­ nated, and I am no longer so taken by them. In this seeing I can under­ stand my true nature and the true nature o f things around me. It is not a matter o f fighting indifference or lethargy or anger. The real problem is vision— to see. But this seeing is only possible if we re­ turn to the source, to the reality in us. We need another quality of see­ ing, a look that penetrates and goes immediately to the root of myself.

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If we look at ourselves from outside, we cannot penetrate and go deeper because we see only the body, the form o f the seed, its material­ ity. Reality is here, only I have never put my attention on it. I live with my back turned to myself.

96. Seeing is an act The question is not what to do but how to see. Seeing is the most impor­ tant thing— the act of seeing. I need to realize that it is truly an act, an action that brings something entirely new, a new possibility of vision, certainty and knowledge. This possibility appears during the act itself and disappears as soon as the seeing stops. It is only in this act of seeing that I will find a certain freedom. So long as I have not seen the nature and movement o f the mind, there is little sense in believing that I could be free o f it. I am a slave to my mechanical thoughts. This is a fact. It is not the thoughts them­ selves that enslave me but my attachment to them. In order to under­ stand this, I must not seek to free myself before having known what the slavery is. I need to see the illusion o f words and ideas, and the fear of my thinking mind to be alone and empty without the support of anything known. It is necessary to live this slavery as a fact, moment after moment, without escaping from it. Then I will begin to perceive a new way of seeing. Can I accept not knowing who I am, being hidden behind an impostor? Can I accept not knowing my name? Seeing does not come from thinking. It comes from the shock at the moment when, feeling an urgency to know what is true, I suddenly realize that my thinking mind cannot perceive reality To understand what I really am at this moment, I need sincerity and humility, and an unmasked exposure that I do not know. This would mean to refuse nothing, exclude nothing, and enter into the experience o f discovering what I think, what I sense, what I wish, all at this very moment. Our conditioned thought always wants an answer. What is impor­ tant is to develop another thinking, a vision. For this we have to liberate a certain energy that is beyond our usual thought. I need to experience

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"I do not know” without seeking an answer, to abandon everything to enter the unknown. Then it is no longer the same mind. My mind en­ gages in a new way. I see without any preconceived idea, without choice. In relaxing, for example, I no longer choose to relax before knowing why. I learn to purify my power of vision, not by turning away from the undesirable or toward what is agreeable. I learn to stay in front and see clearly. All things have the same importance, and I become fixed on nothing. Everything depends on this vision, on a look that comes not from any command o f my thought but from a feeling of urgency to know. Perception, real vision, comes in the interval between the old re­ sponse and the new response to the reception of an impression. The old response is based on material inscribed in our memory. With the new response, free from the past, the brain remains open, receptive, in an attitude o f respect. It is a new brain which functions, that is, differ­ ent cells and a new intelligence. W hen I see that my thought is inca­ pable of understanding, that its movement brings nothing, I am open to the sense of the cosmic, beyond the realm o f human perception.

97. Beyond my usual perception I believe I understand unity. But if I really knew what unity was, there would be an irresistible wish to live my life in this state. I could no longer accept feeling dismembered and seeing these parts, whose ma­ terial encumbers my Presence, remain isolated, taking me away from the consciousness o f my reality. Nevertheless, I begin to be drawn to the difference between what I am in a state of unity and what I am in a state o f dispersion. I become especially interested in the energy that constitutes the vibrating link between the centers. When it is here, this energy brings a strong acceleration o f my functions, together with something like an empty space in which a new force can appear. There is an energy in me, a life that is always in movement but does not project outside. To feel this requires a certain tranquillity, a

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certain silence. It is only in the void that another reality can appear. At the same time, there is also in me an energy that is projected outward by my functions, taken by their inexhaustible reactions to impressions coming from both outside and inside. I do not have the attention nec­ essary to confront all these impressions and reactions. But I am shocked when I see the speed with which I unknowingly react. Is it possible to receive impressions without reacting so quickly, to let the impression penetrate and act on me? For this I would need a pure perception of what is here, a perception not mixed with a reaction. In my ordinary state, my attention goes no further than noticing what is present. The moment is very short, too short for me to grasp the nature o f the thing as it is. Yet this is the moment o f knowing. We are generally not interested by an impartial perception o f things "as they are." We al­ ways judge them or treat them from the point o f view o f our personal interest. With every perception we instantly attach a label that dis­ torts the vision. Afterward these labels determine our actions and reactions. I feel the need to go beyond the limits of my usual perception. I need a new perception, an attention that like a sixth sense could re­ ceive impressions apart from the thinking mind. This kind o f attention would be fluid, all-inclusive. It is very difficult to find in myself, first of all because I do not feel the necessity. I always seek in the same way. I believe that I can touch something real in affirming it— for example, that I can deepen sensation by trying to know it better and better. But if I wish to have a new perception, I cannot look for something posi­ tive. There is only my ignorance. If I feel this complete ignorance, there will be a break, a rupture that undoes the bonds that imprison me. It will bring something like an inner expansion, and my attention will pass beyond the limit o f known impressions. There is no stairway to climb. I have to leap. To become conscious I must let go o f all that is known. Really knowing is a state in which everything is observed, ex­ perienced, understood and— because it is unable to serve in the follow­ ing moment— abandoned as useless.

IN A STATE OF UN IT Y

20 8

'^

g8. The most important thing

W hat we have learned— all our words and memories— gives the im­ pression o f continuity, the illusion o f my ordinary “I.” But, on the scale o f energies in us, this material is not very high. What allows the pas­ sage to a higher level at every degree is the intensity and quality of the attention. It is attention that gives the capacity to see. Attention is the conscious force, the force o f consciousness. It is a divine force. Vision, inner vision, is the liberation o f an energy that is beyond thinking. It is a total awareness of life because to see is to embrace to­ tality at the very moment. We cannot see part by part, little by little, over time. We have to see the whole. It is an act of perception o f what is true without interpreting what is seen. If I am distracted by anything whatsoever, my conditioning is such that I cannot see freely. My thoughts are mechanical. They are a mechanical response to a ques­ tion or an impression. The response may take time and come after an interval that is more or less long, but it is still mechanical. Vision, on the other hand, is observation without thought, without the security o f words or names. In a state o f pure perception, there is no more aim and no attempt to respond. One simply lives the fact. The act o f seeing is an act o f deliverance. When I see what is real, the real fact, the very perception, is deliverance from it. I need to dis­ engage from the all-powerful value I give to knowledge, to my opin­ ions and theories. The very act o f seeing something as a fact has an extraordinary effect by itself without the participation o f the thinking. If I can remain in front o f the reality without reacting, a source of en­ ergy appears that is not the thought. The attention becomes charged with a special energy that is liberated in the act of perception. But this state o f observation can come only when there is an urgency to under­ stand and to see, and my mind gives up everything in order to observe. Then there is a new kind of observation, without any knowledge, without belief or fear, with an attention that remains firm and stays in front in order to know. It is an attention that neither denies the fact nor

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accepts it. The attention simply sees— going from fact to fact with the same pure energy. This act o f pure seeing is an act o f transformation. We need to understand the role o f conscious attention. In the play o f forces, either energies are taken or they serve to create a relation that produces a higher vision, a freer energy. Conscious attention re­ quires a relation between the centers. But it is difficult to come to this relation because their vibrations are not of the same frequency. How could the centers be related? What would "reconciling” mean? This would require an energy that would contain everything and be con­ scious of it. This energy must do nothing other than contain. As soon as it takes sides, it ceases containing and is degraded. I listen, sensing vibrations o f another intensity, wishing to be at­ tuned in order to know them. To be attuned requires the appearance of attention as a third force— a vigilance, a look without expectation, a capacity of seeing that is much stronger than before. It cannot appear unless the thought and the body have the same intensity. This seeing is the most important thing. It maintains the relation between two cen­ ters and allows a new energy to be formed.

CONSCIOUS SENSATION

99. Life is in me We begin to realize that in fact we hold nothing under our look, under our attention. I am here, attentive to myself. Yet I do not perceive my­ self entirely, as a whole. I am drawn to feeling one part more than an­ other, and I do not have a complete sensation of the whole o f myself, a sensation that is everywhere the same. The essential characteristic of voluntary thought is to fix on something in order to know it. But I am still unable to hold any object under my look, unable really to see. This act of seeing is difficult to understand. Through sensation I could be aware o f being here, through the organic experience o f sensing. But my sensations are generally mechan­ ical. I receive them and respond without knowing how. The awareness I have o f sensations is poor and fleeting. The knowledge they bring does not go far. I do not know what value to give them. Because I do not hold them under my look, I can be completely misled about their meaning. In the beginning, sensation is almost the only instrument for selfknowledge. It can give a power to watch over many things and to re­ peat experiences that we can then identify. This creates an inner world. Later, consciousness w ill have to become deeper, more interior. Yet the impulse to look into the depth o f oneself is an indispensable step

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in the evolution of consciousness. Nothing is either certain or pure without this. I need to attune my centers in order to hear the vibration of an energy that is not yet degraded. I listen to its resonance in myself. This is what takes place in praying, in meditating, in reading sacred texts, in repeating sacred words. But I need to understand the step I am taking, and not go beyond what I understand. My contact, my communion, with the difficulty will liberate me through knowing. So I listen with my own substance to the vibrations o f an unknown energy in me. I see that I never allow an experience to take place in myself. I al­ ways resist the full experience. This is because I want to lead it. I do not trust the experience, I trust only me. Because o f this, it does not trans­ form me. W hen I begin to perceive a subtle Presence in myself, I feel it as something alive that calls for its action to be felt. But I cannot feel its action deeply because I am separated from it by a wall of tensions, that is, o f my mental reactions. The unknown in this Presence provokes suggestions and impressions that give a shock to my mind. The mind reacts by presenting a form, and with this reaction the notion o f "I," egoism, springs forth. This is not the real “I,” which is behind it and which alone has intelligence. This is the ordinary “I,” my ego, which believes it is affirming itself in the reaction. The wall of tensions is the wall of my ego. More and more I feel the need to experience certain impressions. This need is very strong, as though I could not live without these im­ pressions . . . and, in fact, I cannot participate in a certain life without them. Indeed, the need is so strong that, for lack o f impressions, I seek outside myself the shock that has to come from within. Life is in me, but I cannot feel its vibrations. They are too fine, too subtle for what I am now. Even my desire to be penetrated by these vibrations, to absorb them, brings duality and a tension that holds back the energy. With this tension I cannot become conscious of the nature of this energy. Its vibrations do not reach me. I feel this, I feel my incapacity. I am unable to be transformed. In my tension I feel my refusal. Life is here, very near, but my "I” is still closed, turned in on itself.

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IN A STATE OF UN IT Y

100. A n inner stillness Until now I have not understood my relation with my body. For me to become conscious, my body has to accept and understand its role, not because it is forced but through real interest. In order for unity to ap­ pear, my body has to participate consciously, voluntarily For this it must find the attitude in which it is free, without tension. In the opening to Presence, there are two steps to be understood: first, the seeing, that is, the moment when I hold myself entirely under my look; and second, the letting go toward which the look has led me, the release that follows the shock when I see. In order for me to have a real perception, an act o f knowing, I need an attention that is as total and as even as possible, an impartial all-embracing look that does not take one side or the other. The most important thing is to discover whether I am capable of such a look. W hen my attention becomes truly active and my mind acquires the clarity o f this look, there is a letting go both in the head and in the rest of the body, which becomes still. At this moment I can experience a Presence that has no need to project outwardly and is maintained under this look. I have the im­ pression that this letting go takes place from top to bottom, and that my inner volume changes, as though no longer confined to my body Here I approach the meaning of relaxation, not an artificial letting go but one that appears as I understand the act of seeing. At the moment I see, there is a shock, a stop in which the finer en­ ergy in me becomes free to follow its proper direction. I do not force it to change course; it changes by itself. Then I know an inner stillness, a state without waves, without ripples. There is no movement. Yet I rec­ ognize this letting go as an action, an act that does not depend on me but that transforms me. At this moment I know what this energy is, an energy that does not take me. It is what “I am.” If my attention remains whole, if the look on myself lights everything, an opening appears that I experience as something given— a filling out, an opening in the abdo­ men. With this perception, I have a moment of knowing. I discover

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something real and see a direction for study in which I can only pro­ ceed step by step. Knowledge of opening to Presence requires the passage in me from one density of vibrations to another, a movement inward through sensation. For this there must be an empty place free o f tensions, felt as a void, void of my ordinary "I” which no longer affirms itself. Then I can penetrate the world of finer vibrations. Sensation is the perception of these vibrations. The more I feel the life in my body, the more I rec­ ognize that the sense of Being would not touch me without its partici­ pation. I feel it through my body. But it is not I who grasps this, it is the life force making itself known. This is a very different inner movement that brings a deep letting go, which I can sometimes also experience alone in nature.

101. A conscious posture Sensation is the essential experience on the road to consciousness. I need to understand what it would be to have a conscious sensation. We wish to know who we are. Each o f us knows the difficulty. I come to a quiet state with a little more stillness and silence, but as soon as I emerge to respond to life, I am the same as before. Nothing has changed. What responds is not really “I." Something in me has not been shaken. I never have the feeling o f being at the root o f myself, of reaching my essence. And I am never entirely touched. There are al­ ways hidden parts that refuse. My body is the first to refuse. It knows nothing o f my wish and lives a life of its own. Nevertheless, it could participate in the process of knowing. It is the receptacle, the vehicle for the energy in us. If we look within ourselves, we see that the energy is concentrated either in the head or in the solar plexus. Perhaps there is a little in the spine, but nothing in comparison with the other centers. And there is nothing in the lower part o f the body. It is as though the body had no real impor­ tance. Yet it is only in and through the body that the energy can act.

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I feel this energy beginning to appear. In order for it to act through me, I need to see my automatism and to recognize that if it becomes stronger than the conscious movement, the energy falls back to its lower level and once again I am taken. The position o f the body is very important. My automatic posture holds back the energy and condi­ tions my thinking and feeling. I need to see this, to live it, so that a conscious suffering appears which calls for a new posture, a conscious posture that, like an electromagnetic field, allows the action o f this energy on the body. Its position must therefore be precise, and be maintained by a close and continual cooperation between my think­ ing, my feeling and my body. I need to feel at ease, with a sense of well­ being and stability. Then the position itself can allow the mind to come to a state o f total availability, naturally becoming empty of agitated thoughts. In the right posture, all my centers come together and are related. I find a balance, an order in which my ordinary "I” is no longer the master but finds its place. The thought is freer and also my feeling, which now is purer, less avid. It respects something. As I let myself open to this energy, there is absorption without judg­ ment, without conclusion, and my attention maintains itself patiently without effort and silently penetrates beyond what I know. This is like an inner expansion. I feel a greater unity between my body and what animates it. A center o f gravity, my vital center of energy, has formed by itself. There is no more contradiction in me, no more refusal. I have found in myself this primordial center o f energy, and have passed be­ yond the struggle, the duality between my body and my psyche. The more I experience this state, the more my essence is touched. But as soon as I lose contact with this center o f gravity, the energy surges back toward the head or the solar plexus, and the false notion of “I” returns. I believe this contact is easy to maintain. Yet even the idea o f maintain­ ing it is false. This center o f gravity must become second nature to me, my measure and my guide. I must feel its weight in everything I do. Otherwise an opening to the higher centers cannot take place. When I experience being this living Presence, conscious of itself, I feel that it is the Presence that is breathing. The freedom of my center

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of gravity depends on the freedom of the breathing. W hen I let the breathing take place without interfering, another reality appears, a re­ ality I did not know. I need to see that this experience is my essential food and must return to this state as often as possible.

102. In a quiet body I breathe in I have a new impression of myself but it is fragile. I am not sufficiently steeped in the sensation o f being a living Presence, and the feeling re­ vealed here is still too weak. Tensions reappear. I feel them. But I know what they separate me from, and because I know it, they fall away. This is a movement of ebb and flow in which my feeling becomes stronger. It loses its negative and aggressive elements, and opens more and more to a sense of the subtle, the higher, a sense of life itself. My intelligence has to understand the meaning of my tensions, and something in me needs to leave more and more space— not out o f obligation but from necessity, a necessity o f my being. I seek to understand this statewithout-tension which brings me closer to the void, to my essence. I become aware o f a world o f finer vibrations. I feel them, I have the sensation o f them, as if certain parts o f me were irrigated, vivified, spiritualized by them. Yet I am still not entirely under the influence of these vibrations. I realize this. But I feel an ever greater need not to resist them. My usual "I” has lost its authority and, as another author­ ity makes itself felt, I see that my life has meaning only if I am attuned to it. In working for this accord, I feel as though situated in a closed circuit and that, if I could remain here long enough, the miracle of my transformation would take place. In order to feel these fine vibrations, I must come to a real stillness of the body, a state without any tension where the thought is simply a witness which without comment sees all that happens. I w ill then un­ derstand what it means to have a pure sensation— a sensation with no intervening image. My body is under this vision with no tension. Re­ laxation appears by itself as my seeing becomes clear, and with it I feel that separate islands of energy in me need to be more deeply related.

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This fine sensation is a sign o f incarnation, the moment of penetration when the spirit materializes and takes on a definite density. In a more objective state, where an order is established, my breath­ ing can take on new meaning. Only in this state am I capable of receiv­ ing the finer elements of the air and of absorbing them. I feel the energy circulate freely in my body, with nothing stopping or deflecting it, nothing projecting it outside or fixing it inside. It flows in a kind of circular movement, which takes place without my intervening. I feel it as a movement in which I exist. I discover my breathing— the absorp­ tion and discharge of energy. I breathe i n. . . . I breathe out. I know that I breathe i n . . . . I know that I breathe out. In a quiet body I breathe i n. . . . In a quiet body I breathe out. Slowly I breathe in. . . . Slowly I breathe out. I am awake to this breathing that is taking place in me. I am awake to my body. I do not separate them from each other. In a light body, I breathe i n . . . . In a light body, I breathe out. The body feels lighter. I let myself exhale completely, all the way to the end. Without avidity, I breathe i n . . . . Without avidity, I breathe out. I feel the impermanence o f the movement. I do not seek to hold back anything whatsoever. Feelingfree, I breathe i n . . . . Feeling free, I breathe out. Words and forms lose their power o f attraction. A kind o f clarity lights the state I am in. I become deeply quiet in order to awaken to what I am.

VOLUNTARY ATTENTION

103. The feeling o f lack In us there is a force that descends from above and a force that ascends from below. These energies are not related. This relation is something that Nature did not provide for in human beings, even though we are here to play a cosmic role. Man has to relate him self to the higher force that is in him. For this, he must see his incapacity and his re­ fusal, and at the same time feel the wish to be related in the depths of himself. W hen the energy o f attention has a different movement in each of the centers, there is no force capable o f its own w ill. So I need another attention, a purer attention less burdened with the material o f my thoughts and capable o f having an action on the centers. This kind o f attention does not come because it is made captive, nor by forcing— I cannot make it appear, just as I cannot force love to appear. Attention comes when it is needed, when it is called by a feeling of necessity. If I really see that I do not understand, that I have lost the direction and the meaning of my life, then at that very moment my attention is called to be here. Without it, I w ill never be able to be what I am. I do not have the necessary energy. But when I feel this absolute necessity, the attention appears. So I have to come to the

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feeling o f lack, o f not understanding, not knowing, a feeling o f being insufficient. I can daydream as I w alk along a road. But when I have to walk on ice, on a slippery frozen path, I cannot dream. I need all my attention not to fall down. It is the same inside myself. If I have no real interest in myself— if I keep thinking I can answer everything, and pretend that I am able— I w ill continue dreaming and the attention will never appear. I have to experience my nothingness in this moment and my inca­ pacity to be present. I have also to feel my lack of interest, my lack of wish. It is an important moment, an interval where the intensity weak­ ens and there is insufficient force to go further. I see my slavery to my functions. Perhaps I also see that a force from another level is here. But if this force is not engaged, if I am not related to it, my functions will take the energy, and I w ill be even more enslaved than before. There must be voluntary submission, a voluntary obedience. I wish to stay in front of this insufficiency. I do not see it enough, I do not feel it enough, I do not suffer from it enough. To feel this lack calls a more active atten­ tion. It is as if a door opens to a much finer energy. This energy passes through the head and descends in me, provided the space is free. My whole work consists in allowing this passage so that the energy can circulate. Everything depends on my attention. If it weakens, the func­ tions reassert their power and reclaim the energy. This circulation requires a voluntary attention, which I never needed before. I see that a certain w ill is necessary. I say, "I wish to be.” With “I,” I open to this force that passes through my head, through my thought; with “wish," I experience a strong feeling that allows the en­ ergy to pass in the body; with "to be," I sense myself as a whole. And I feel that there is a Presence in me. More and more I realize I need will, a wish to be that comes from deeper in myself, a force that gives me a sense o f existing. This shows me my true place and awakens me to an order, to a relation, that will otherwise not appear.

Voluntary Attention

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104. Obedience and will Two opposite poles act on my Presence and communicate entirely dif­ ferent vibrations. I know their action by my sensation o f them. I am sensitive to the attraction o f the earth; I obey it. And I am sensitive to the attraction coming from higher spheres, and I also obey it. But I do not realize this; I am too passive. Here are two forces, two currents, two densities without a relation with each other. In order for the higher force to be absorbed and influence the heavier matter, there must be a current of intermediate intensity, another voltage that could galvanize the whole. This would be a purer emotional current in which the ma­ terial of my usual subjective emotions does not enter. This current ap­ pears when I awaken to the vision o f these tw o forces acting at the same time. As soon as I awaken to this vision, I am seized by a will, a wish that is the essence of the feeling of “I” in all its purity. It is the will to be what I am, awakening to my true nature— "I Am.” Today something is open that calls me toward a relation with the higher, but this does not come about by itself. I feel I have to obey a higher energy, an authority, which I recognize as the sole authority because I am a particle o f it. And I need to serve it in order not to lose my relation with it. There are two kinds o f obedience. If I try to obey in my passive state, unconsciously, I lose myself and cannot serve. But if I come to a more active state, I can voluntarily obey in submitting. This requires a state o f conscious passivity in which only the attention is active and the functions are intentionally maintained in a passive state. I have to silence all my usual activity, disengaging and quieting my thought, emotion and sensation. My attention, now voluntary, can then be turned toward knowing "what is” and what "I am,” knowing how much I am true. Only a voluntary force can liberate me from the power of an involuntary force. All the parts of myself are related in a total attention that leaves nothing outside its look. In the act o f being present, I voluntarily obey and submit, renouncing my own w ill and at the same time asserting a different w ill over the functions.

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The first sign o f obedience to something greater is conscious sen­ sation. And I can have a conscious sensation only if I am voluntarily passive. W hen I feel my insufficiency, when I feel the lack, I see the need for change and suffer a hunger, a need to be nourished. My thought is called toward a deep sensation, which awakens a feeling. But this feeling is weak, and I am afraid. I do not yet believe it, and the feeling disappears. The ego reasserts itself and everything disperses. I need to see that to begin again requires humility, sincerity. I must look again for a deep sensation. I obey either the current that brings me force or the one that takes it away. If the attention is not placed consciously on something, it must be taken. This is a law from which I cannot escape. It is no longer enough that two energies are turned toward each other. There must be a movement toward one another that is active enough to provoke a new inner movement that calls the feeling. I begin to see that my whole struggle, my possibility or impossibil­ ity, is a question of attention. One force calls my attention in order to act on me, and another force takes it and disperses it through my functions. But there is no one present in the middle to know what I want, nobody who feels responsible. The sensation of lack, o f what is truly missing, is the most important thing. I alone can resolve the question . . . if I will.

105. Developing consciousforce Real observation o f oneself is the function o f the master. As we are, we have a limited capacity of attention, only that of the body, the head or the feeling. With the w ill o f man number one, two or three, using all our concentration, we can control only one center. We cannot obey voluntarily, consciously. Nevertheless, we can make an effort o f self­ observation, a practice that strengthens the attention and shows us how better to concentrate. We can begin to remember ourselves and, if we work conscientiously, see what is needed. For us, there is the possibility o f two kinds of actions: those that

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are automatic and those taken voluntarily, according to “wish.” To wish, to will, is the most important and powerful thing in the world because it allows us to take an action that is not automatic. We can, for example, choose something we wish to do, something we are not ordi­ narily capable of, and make it our aim, letting nothing interfere. It is our sole aim. If we wish, if we will, we can do it. Without will, we can­ not. With conscious will, everything can be obtained. I need to develop a voluntary attention— that is, a conscious atten­ tion— which is stronger than my automatism. I must feel the lack of relation between my mind and my body, and see that this relation re­ quires a voluntary attention maintained on both parts. It calls for a will that is not my usual will, one that comes from a new and unknown feeling. Only a conscious attention, which is the opening to a higher force, has the power to prevail over the automatism. But for this the attention must always be occupied voluntarily. A conscious force can­ not be automatic. The attention can be stronger or diminish, but the moment it ceases to be voluntary, it is taken. The moment it is no longer voluntarily turned toward this relation, the energies separate. I become fragmented and the automatism again takes over. The open­ ing to a higher force must become constant. In order for the conscious force to develop, I have to maintain a continual sensation in all activities o f my daily life— in walking, in speaking, in every kind o f work. It is an attitude in which the attention is active and the body consciously passive. My attention needs to be wholly occupied with two things: feeling and following the sensation of Presence, and, at the same time, dismissing the associations, that is, not allowing them to take me. I have the sensation and feeling of my Presence. My attention is on this sensation. And the thought is wholly engaged in watching what I am experiencing, with no possibility of representing anything by words or images. The seeing is the most important thing, a higher force maintaining the relation and allowing the energy to concentrate. The body feels the quality o f this force, its master, and refuses its automatic manifestation. It submits in order

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to receive the action o f this force and let it intensify. There is a strug­ gle: one energy must take authority, the other accept it. Everything that is usually dispersed concentrates. An atmosphere collects by itself. There is a definite sensation and at a certain moment I feel animated by a new energy, a feeling o f being.

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A PRESENCE W IT H ITS OWN LIFE

We can know God only through sensation. Pure sensation is the nam e o f God— pure, burning sensation. A relation between the three lower centers is absolutely necessary fo r opening to a new energy. I begin to feel this Presence almost like another body. To stay in fron t is voluntary suffering. I aw ake in order to be whole, to become conscious with a will to be. I create a struggle between the “yes” and the “n o”fo r my being. Only at this moment does the work begin. A conscious man no longer suffers— in consciousness one is happy. But suffering thus prepared is indispensable fo r transformation.

A PURE E N E R G Y

106. A particle o f the highest We live in two worlds. The reaction o f our functions to impressions is our contact with the world below. Our perception o f the fine energy in us represents the contact with the world above. We are also inhabited by two simultaneous but opposite movements— one toward the out­ side, the other toward the inside. In our organism, certain cells multi­ ply in order to create and maintain the body. Others, germinating, contract and concentrate, saving energy for later creation. In manifest­ ing in life we believe that we are creating, but real creation takes place through drawing in, through absorption. The role o f our Presence is in connecting the two worlds. There is a life force in me that I do not feel, do not hear, do not serve. All my energy is constantly called outside by thoughts and de­ sires, aimed only at satisfying my avidity W hen I see this useless ex­ penditure, I feel the need for greater tranquillity, for a state of stillness in which I awaken to a pure, free energy in me. I need to come to a dif­ ferent inner density, a different quality o f vibrations. This is, in fact, a spiritualization in which the spirit penetrates matter and transforms it. I must have a strong and deep experience o f passing from one material­ ity to another. My sensation becomes more and more subtle as the at­ tention purifies and concentrates, penetrating the body and permeating

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everything that surrounds me. There is no other way. For this I learn to come to solitude in which this internalizing, this concentration, is possible. In order to know this subtle sensation, I assume a right posture and find an attitude in which the body and mind become one. My mind is lucid, clear at each moment, entirely attentive. A movement of deep abandon, a letting go, takes place, a door opening toward inner freedom. I learn what tranquillity is, and that it can only be attained through sensation, which becomes finer as tensions are reabsorbed. The sensation is subtle and penetrating only where there is no tension. This is a layer in me, beyond mental forms, that is never reached by my usual consciousness. I feel it as a void, an unknown essence, empty of my ego. The fineness of vibrations in what I perceive as emptiness is beyond what I know of my usual density, the usual form o f my being. In this state my thought and feeling include the forms. My thought, immobile and without words, is capable o f containing words and im­ ages. My feeling, the feeling of my essence and not o f my form, is able to contain the form. Knowledge o f what is true appears by inclusion. My thinking remains free in order to penetrate, not reacting or choos­ ing, without clinging to security. In front o f the necessity to see, my ego ceases to affirm at all costs its identity, its form. It gives way to the feeling of essence, to the w ill to be what I am, which depends on neither form nor time. I have an impression o f an expansion taking place well beyond the limits o f my body. I do not lose the sense of my body, and even have the impression o f containing it. There is a sensation of a very special energy, which I feel is life itself. My mind is still, embracing the whole. I can experience this so long as this seeing is the need of my whole being. If I give myself to it, this energy could be the beginning o f a new order in me. I am a particle of the highest. Through sensation I can know this. We can know God only through sensation. Pure sensation is the name o f God— pure, burning sensation. The body is the instrument for expe­ riencing this.

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107. Feeling this Presence as alive

Our separate centers o f energy receive impressions and respond from material previously recorded. Each center responds from its own point of view. Each has energy of a certain quality and can only know what corresponds to it. But there is in us an energy o f a much higher quality than that o f these centers. This reality cannot be perceived by them separately. They are too passive. In order to open and be permeable to this higher quality, they have to unite and become more active so that their vibrations intensify. The work is to increase the intensity of the lower centers in order to allow a contact with the higher centers. When I come to a quiet state, free of all tension, I discover a very fine vibration, a reality I could not perceive before. It comes from an­ other level to which I am usually closed, from a higher center that can­ not come into play unless the other centers let go, become quiet. I can be related to the highest energy if I accept voluntarily opening to it. But this opening is difficult. The state, the level o f energy of my thought and my body, does not allow it. The thinking remains captive to its own material, and its automatic movement cannot stop. The body is not touched enough. The ordinary "I,” keeping its force, does not per­ mit the relation with the higher energy. It is as though the energy were not here. For the relation to appear, suffering is necessary. Through suffering the attention becomes voluntary, and the intensity of its will can produce an opening of the body to the finer energy. Everything depends on this opening. Then a force from above, from another part of the mind, can act. . . . My state is transformed. I need to understand that a relation between the three lower cen­ ters is absolutely necessary for opening to a new energy. The opening can be sustained only if the relation is stable. This energy needs to be­ come a Presence. I have to feel it as alive, with its own density, its own rhythm, a Presence that has a separate life that I need to preserve. The sensation o f it cannot be held too tight or it w ill lose its sense, and it cannot be too subtle because then, as I am today, I will be unable to

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attune myself to it. This energy has to fill the whole o f my body. And I must have the impression that it is from this energy that I move. Every­ thing has to be subordinated to it. I must let it take over. In opening to this new energy, I experience an inner order in which this Presence, experienced as a whole, can see all the parts. It can act through them, provided my attention remains active with the same in­ tensity everywhere. This inner order requires a total attention. The new current of energy, which all the rest must obey, needs to take on force and become permanent. The connection between my inner Pres­ ence and my body is the connection between this Presence and life.

108. From a higher part o f the mind There is an energy that comes from a higher part of the mind, but we are not open to it. It is a conscious force. It needs to appear, to pass in our body, to act on us. It cannot pass in us or act on us today because there is no relation between the mind and the body. When I am subject to the automatism, there is too great a difference in vibrations between higher and lower. The attention, which is part of this force, needs to be developed. I am sitting here, now. From where could I try to have a relation with my body? From where could I see the way I am? . . . It is from a part o f my mind to which I am not open. To relate to my body, I have to open my mind, quiet my mind. It must not think about all sorts of things. It has to remain motionless in the stop between two thoughts until it becomes more sensitive and perceptive, more alive than what is seen, what is under its look. When my attention is more active, my thinking is freer and I begin to see. This seeing is a direct contact with the higher energy in me. Another intelligence appears, and a relation with my body becomes possible. This force coming from a higher part o f the mind needs to pass in the body and find a place that is free in order to act on the other cen­ ters. There must be room so that a vibration can be produced. The

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slightest tension makes it impossible. In order to receive this life in me, I must have a state with no tension . . . nowhere. I become still. And when real stillness is possible, I can be open to an energy that fills the body. All trace of limitation disappears. I feel light, as though transpar­ ent. My Presence seems more alive than my body, more intense in vi­ brations. One force needs to take authority, the other to accept it. Even when a relation appears between the mind and the body, it is not enough. It does not last. For a moment the relation is here and then . . . an instant later, the two parts are not together. So, there is some­ thing more that is necessary. A force needs to be developed, a con­ scious attention that can last. This depends on me. Either I can abandon the effort or, if I wish, if I will, I can be more attentive. I am responsi­ ble. My responsibility is precisely in the act o f seeing.

109. T o become a vessel My attention is not free. It has no conscious direction. W hen I am in front o f this, I feel it and I feel the need to open. Because I see it, I let go deeply and my body opens. My mind also. There is a movement of coming together. My attention increases. I allow the movement to take on force. Suddenly I feel a new energy appear, which comes from a much higher level and passes through me. I feel that I am the instru­ ment through which it can act. Yet I do not let it act on me. I am too tense and I still want to act myself. At the same time, there is a wish to pass beyond the limits o f my ordinary "I,” to know myself animated by the life force in me. For this all my centers o f energy must have no other aim than to become a single whole, united with this current coming from the higher centers. All the energy in me is then contained as in a closed circuit, not by an effort of constraint but through the rela­ tion of my different parts. I need first to become a vessel and later to know the channels by which this life passes in me. In order for a force from above to be absorbed and influence the heavier matter in me, there must be a new circuit, one with a higher

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intensity capable o f electrifying the whole. This requires a current of purer feeling, free from my usual subjective emotions, an intense state o f attention that can appear only when I sincerely see that I do not know, that I really know nothing. W hen I recognize this and this state appears, my automatism slows down. For a second I see what it is hid­ ing, and I see the automatism itself. I see the subjective circle within which my thoughts and feelings turn, and I see beyond it. I feel myself the center o f a double movement: one movement of coming together which allows access to a purer force, and another of letting go in which this force can be absorbed. These two movements complement each other in the fluidity o f life. There is a moment o f greater stillness in which life makes me feel its action on me. Then, through my sensa­ tion, I perceive vibrations o f another quality and penetrate a world of fine matter. This produces something like a magnetic field that reflects the energy needed for higher consciousness, bringing energy of a dif­ ferent emotional order. The sense of my life today is to be entirely available to the imma­ terial Presence in me through a state in which I will be completely passive and yet very awake. This requires a balance between the in­ tensity o f presence and a greater and greater relaxation. It is as though I felt another body living in me. To come to this state, I need a right posture, an attitude in which I am grounded, maintaining an inner center o f gravity. I have to open to this vital center where contact is made with the life force, to feel the wellspring from which this force naturally flows out and returns. The sensation o f my Presence opens and expands freely when the energy descends and accumulates in the abdomen, but this sensation weakens when the energy, accord­ ing to its tendency, disperses and rises again toward the solar plexus and the head. My center o f gravity is the central point between a descending and an ascending movement. It is neither my heart nor my head, but it gives them such freedom that it allows a blending with the higher centers. A right attitude also requires right breathing and a right tone of

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the muscles, in which the energy can circulate without constraint. When there is a balance between tension and letting go, I have the impression that the energy flows in channels that I did not know. Yet I feel that the movement o f coming together is governed by a kind of respiration in which energies blend and are dissolved in the body.

A B O D Y OF E N E R G Y

no. This immaterial Presence in me What in us corresponds to the role o f organic life for the earth? Special organs o f perception, the higher parts o f the centers, receive a direct impression of a finer energy. This is perception beyond mechanical functioning, a more conscious perception. It requires the formation of a kind of net or filter that maintains within its mesh a substance that could be experienced as a second body. My Presence has to become like a second body in order to receive this finer energy and let it show through. For this I need to accumulate active elements that begin to live their own life, to create their own nature within the physical body, their own world and events. I am here. I feel a need to see myself. My body needs to open to a force to which it is closed, a force that comes from above, from a little higher than my head. My thought does not allow me to open to it. My body also does not allow me to open. I see that my body needs a conscious state, a state o f absolute unity. I take a very straight pos­ ture, and am aware o f my whole body having the same energy ev­ erywhere. It is not the body that is important, it is this energy that fills it. The force has a greater intensity than the body if the body lets it act. The force comes from above my head and passes through my

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body if there is no tension. It passes down the back, between the legs and ascends again by the abdomen, the chest and the head. This is a force that has its ow n movement and needs to have its own life in me. I then feel a movement of relation taking place. It is not I who does this, but I need to make room in order for the movement to proceed. It becomes stronger, quicker and I feel a transformation in me, the pres­ ence of an energy with its own life. My body becomes quiet in order to let the energy from above pass in and unite with it. This union creates a new force, more intense, a more intelligent energy. It forms some­ thing like an inner body, which is undone as soon as the relation is undone. Our work is to bring about this relation, and to stay vigilant in order to sustain it. To recognize the truth o f this immaterial Presence in me, I need to be entirely, totally available to it. I begin to feel this Presence almost like another body. I do not try to imagine it, but I do not reject this impression when it comes to me. This Presence may seem at first to be contained in my body and then, through an opening or expansion, as though it contains my body. In any case, I feel that it exists w ith its ow n functions. This other body has its own thought, not an associative thinking, but see­ ing. It has vision, a capacity to see, as one o f its properties. Words, images and ideas appear, but are as though contained in the vision. Words are not o f its nature. The vision is not affected by them; nei­ ther does it affect them. There is no tension. This other body has feeling, not emotions but a power o f relation, o f love. Emotions are nearby, ready to appear, but they are contained in this feeling. Emo­ tions are not o f its nature. It is not affected by them; neither does it affect them. I can experience the Presence in this way so long as the axis o f my energies is maintained, so long as there is a center o f grav­ ity. The right sensation provides the key, a sensation that obeys this Presence whose law I wish to feel. It is the sensation o f a quality, a fineness, which is like the birth o f being. This second body is “I” in relation to my body.

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in . A mass o f energy I wish to become conscious o f my existence. If my attention is as usual, dispersed, I feel myself as a form, as matter, a person. When my atten­ tion becomes finer and my perception keener, I feel myself as a mass of energy in movement, a body o f energy. Currents of moving particles pass through me, whose movement does not stop. I sense myself no longer as matter with a solid form, but as energy animated by vibra­ tions that never cease. I feel this energy as if it were magnetized, drawn toward unknown ends. I try to observe this attraction pulling in different directions. I feel that there is no current that is my thought, nor any current that is my feeling, or my sensation, my movement. There is no such thing as each person’s thought, each person’s feeling. Rather, there is a current of force maintained in a certain sphere by what attracts it and makes it gravitate there. It is necessary to pass beyond. According to the sphere in which it is maintained, the thought is more pure or less pure. It is the same for the feeling. What holds my thought and my feeling in a particular sphere is the repeated contact with a certain order o f ideas to which the thought submits, the hyp­ notic effect. My centers react to the least shock from the disordered vibrations invading my Presence. Without a relation with a more con­ scious force, the centers are prey to all the large and small shocks that shake them. If I am not related to an energy o f a higher level, I am bound to be taken. To know what "I Am,” my whole being needs to quieten in an act o f total attention. W hen there is no wave, no ripple on the surface, I can see if there is something real in the depths. Then I will see if there is a Presence like a second body, which I will know by its density, its own movement, which I w ill feel as distinct. I cannot act on it, but it can act on me. This Presence is as though independent o f my body, but for now seems attached to it. Nothing in me— not my body, not my thought or my feeling— as yet recognizes it. The centers do not realize that a relation with it is not only possible but indispensable. In order to

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maintain a contact with this Presence, I must have a center o f gravity that relates my ordinary “I” and my essential being. This sphere of force keeps me in balance and, by excluding conflicting influences, brings tranquillity. It gives power over the sexual energy and, in open­ ing an inner door, allows it a new creative role. This Presence, this body o f another density, needs to have an ac­ tion on me. I must have a close relation with it. For finer energy to penetrate and be absorbed, a kind o f space must appear in which reac­ tions do not arise, a zone o f silence that allows this Presence, this sec­ ond body, to expand with its subtle vibration. I need a circulation of energy that is free, that is stopped nowhere. I do not intervene. The energy is distributed according to an order beyond my understanding. This free circulation takes place through the breathing, which nour­ ishes this Presence by the air, bringing active elements we are not aware of. This breathing is a participation in the forces o f the universe. But it is not just any kind o f breathing. It is very light and subtle . . . as if this Presence were breathing.

112. A n exercisefo r opening There is an exercise that Gurdjieff considered most important for opening to a different state of being. It is an exercise one cannot under­ take without being prepared. And I am prepared only when I truly feel the necessity for it. I like my body and w ill do everything to save it, to make it com­ fortable, to give it food, to anticipate its desires. I have not yet mea­ sured the strength o f my attachment to it. I also like my thought, my mind, and w ill do all I can to maintain its continuity. I do not yet see how crucial it is for the thought to preserve this continuity, which is part o f my idea o f myself. But I can know my real nature only through feeling, through a feeling o f participation, a movement o f communica­ tion, of communion. It is not our body or mind, although each plays its role, but our feeling that is at issue in the immediate possibility o f know­ ing what we are.

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My work has brought me to recognize and to feel a Presence in myself. I am afraid o f not knowing how to be in front o f this. It poses a question to me, a question that I do not face. I do not know what atti­ tude to have, and I cannot know in advance. It is the life o f the question that can show me the way. This exercise begins with the consciousness that I am here. I say to myself, “Lord, have mercy,” each time with a sensation in the four limbs, successively— right arm, right leg, left leg, left arm. I do this three times, and rest for one or two breaths. Then I breathe consciously, saying “I Am”: with "I,” I take in the active elements of the air and mix them with the result obtained in the four limbs, and with “Am,” I exhale and distrib­ ute this into the sexual region. I repeat this second step three times. I then recover the result from the sexual region and send it to the spine, exhaling with “Am.” I begin again the filling of the four limbs, remix with the active elements o f air, recharge the sexual region, re­ cover from the sexual region and send it to fill the solar plexus. And I do the same to fill the head. Then I feel the whole Presence "I Am” throughout the body. I nourish this Presence by taking the active elements from inhal­ ing and sending them into the legs and the abdomen, then in succes­ sion the chest, the right arm, the left arm and the head. I make an inner act o f engagement, saying to myself, “I wish to be. I wish and I can be. I w ill do everything to make this last for a specific time. I will take all necessary measures to crystallize in myself this result for being. I will do everything to be.”

113. The substance o f “I ” Once again I recognize this substance, this force, crystallized in me by everything I truly live o f this work. I feel it. This force is behind all my movements, like a subtle Presence. It could allow me to participate in life in another way and bring a different relation with other beings. But, even in feeling this force present in me, I do not respect it. I give nothing of myself to it. I wish for it, I ask its help, but I do not give what

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it needs to have its own life in me, its own form. My center o f gravity has not changed. If I wish to find in myself this "will to be,” the w ill to hold this Pres­ ence as the very meaning of my life, I need to see what I serve . . . not think about it, believe it or desire it, but see it from moment to m o­ ment. For this I first need to establish a relation between my body and the material that Gurdjieff calls the "substance o f 'I.' ” This substance is scattered in the body. I practice recapturing it through the mind in or­ der to let it melt and be dissolved in the whole organism, so that it is not fixed anywhere. I say "I” to myself, and it is as though I breathe in this material as I see it melt. Then I say “me,” letting this more subtle substance spread evenly in the whole organism, so that a second body can be formed. I repeat this a number o f times. In order to see that all the material is distributed evenly, I experience a look from above, a sense of “I” above the head. My body then seems a small thing among everything else, like a drop o f water in a glass. I see especially that the “I” is really the intelligence, the master o f "me,” which is content to be under its look. To have two bodies is the greatest luxury. When I become aware o f the movement o f breathing in and redis­ tributing this fine material in me, I realize that I can, by my attitude, allow it to take shape according to pathways and centers o f gravity particular to it. I become sensitive to feeling this attitude, and in prac­ ticing this I see that a very close relation is created between my body and this fine material. I can feel this substance o f “I” in the body. It is of another order. But for now it is without its own force, powerless, with­ out material. I need to have a more lasting awareness o f it as a totality. Later, crystallized, it will have power over my manifestations. The work has different stages. At this point, the formation o f this new body, the astral body, is the basis for our work. After it has been formed, there w ill be another.

V O LU N TA R Y SUFFERING

114. T o stay infron t How do we open to a higher level? W hen there remains even a residue o f conceptual or intellectual meaning, there can be no pure awareness. The finest and highest energy I could know does not animate me. It is not here. I need to feel this, to feel that my force is taken and I cannot be transformed. I am not open to a higher level, a higher thinking. I have to suffer this lack, to stay resolutely in front of it. Little by little this will become more important than anything else. But it requires giving all o f myself. And the ego always reasserts its dominance. To stay in front is voluntary suffering. We need to reconsider the question of an inner attitude that could lead to transformation o f our consciousness. What we are today no longer corresponds to what we were some years ago. What has changed? And what has not— what, in fact, has become even more fixed? The more real part o f our being is hidden because it is beyond our usual consciousness. Nevertheless, we can see the force with which it insists on appearing in order to give a form to our lives. It is stronger or less strong, more accepted or less accepted, but this reality is a fact. And this fact means that we are no longer the same. Something has changed in us. But what has not changed is that we assume no respon­ sibility in front o f this reality. We have no conscious attitude in front of

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it, no way of being. We do not take our state seriously, and do not see the danger. We are in front o f a real question. There are two possibilities: on the one hand, contact and unity with the essential energy o f our Being, and, on the other, the refusal of our ordinary "I,” which is afraid of suf­ fering and of being eliminated. In front o f this situation we are cow­ ardly. We postpone, we discuss, we complain, and we do not become independent. Nevertheless, we are at least ready to face this. We are at a turning point that offers us an opportunity. But it also presents peril, for nothing is easier, as we are, than to fail. My aspiration is stronger and stronger for this essential force. At the same time, I live with a con­ tinual concern for my own well-being, the desire to satisfy all the avid­ ity o f my ordinary "I.” This contradiction leaves a taste of remorse. I am not free. I am not available. Questioning this, I become aware of what, in my unconscious, refuses. Yet I must not oblige myself to be available, or discipline myself. It is not a question o f failing or succeed­ ing, but of seeing whether I wish to be open to this essential energy. This brings about a deep letting go in a right and natural way, and al­ lows a certain freedom. I pass beyond the recriminations o f my ordi­ nary “I.” My entire being depends on the feeling I have for this energy and my capacity to communicate it to all my centers. If they become integrated with it, a unity w ill be created that is maintained by their sharing the same life. This letting go is never assured and needs con­ stantly to be verified. This movement comes not from a right o f posses­ sion, but reflects an act of love. My centers feel this energy, feel my attitude. I leave room, I allow a movement toward a unity that has its own balance, its own form. But the centers do not yet understand their purpose, what they must serve. In each part there always appears, underneath, the automatic habitual movement that draws the energy outside. I need to stay in front, to experience a confrontation between these two movements, which de­ pends on the relating force of my attention. I am in front o f a law. There is in me the possibility o f a new state o f being. But I know only its fluctuations because, even when I have an intimation o f this reality

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and am touched by it, I do not truly appreciate it. I do not truly wish for this reality. I do not love it.

115. I must live the insufficiency In order to have a contact with the higher centers, it is necessary to increase the intensity o f the lower centers. Their vibrations have to intensify through seeing and suffering the lack, a conscious suffering. “Yes," we think to ourselves, “I know. My mind and my body must be together.” But what does it mean? Do I feel, do I have a sensation of the energy that is in my mind, the energy that is in my body, the energy that is in my feeling? Can I see their movements? How do I understand the change that needs to take place in the centers? Energies cannot remain isolated— either they are taken or they act. I cannot help but be taken if I am not related to an energy o f a higher level. I need to be in contact with an energy whose quality frees my attention from the action o f other energies. But the connection is difficult to establish. I am attached to all my actions. There is a feeling that has not appeared. I need a conscious relation that keeps me from being taken right and left, and a feeling that allows the relation to last. For this I must stay in front, I must live the insufficiency. Above all, I have to see that in this effort the intensity is never the same in the head and in the body. So the relation is never real. Throughout the course of our work we encounter resistance in our­ selves. At each moment there is negation of whatever is affirmed, some­ times with violence. Yet without this negation we might not have the possibility to evolve. Our energy would not be transformed. When, for example, energy is freed for a deeper sensation, there is a refusal that appears— doubt, fear, some negative emotion. And instead of helping to make the sensation stronger or more alive, the energy passes to the emotional and intellectual centers, which then vibrate in a coarse and brutal way. Without being transformed, the energy is projected in outer movements, in talk or actions that leave us weakened. Nevertheless, if at the moment the opposing force appears I see in what the negation

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consists, I can wish to stay between the two thresholds and, by a special effort, come to separate the elements that feed off this negative emo­ tion. If my effort is sincere and if it is sufficient, a contact may be made with another kind o f feeling, with another emotional current. For that I have to be present at the moment of friction. I have to live this without taking sides in order for a finer energy to be produced. In trying to let this energy circulate freely in me, animate me— that is, be my master— I come to know the limits within which this is possible. I feel places, always the same, which are knots o f contraction, where an attitude o f my ego persists that I have great difficulty undo­ ing. It is a grimace o f my face, a stiffness of my neck, a smug movement in raising my head, or a turning away without accepting. I need to know these points where my refusal hides, where my ego protects it­ self and is not touched. I suffer from my lack, my incapacity. I am closed, the passage is not free. I suffer this, that is, I stay in front, accepting the friction between the "yes” and the “no.” I see the resistance, the passivity, and I see my­ self give up, abdicate my wish to be, in order to go toward sleep. I strug­ gle to stay in front, not to prevail but to observe the constant changes in myself. With this staying, an energy of a higher quality develops, a more conscious attention. There is a constant demand for a conscious sensation. The thinking and the sensation intensify through the active force of this attention, which maintains a relation between them. A new feeling appears when the conditions o f suffering are accepted, even wished for. I accept my powerlessness and I suffer. In this staying in front of my insufficiency, the energy intensifies and becomes an ac­ tive force that obliges the passive force to obey.

116. Conscious struggle We wish to be conscious o f the inner Presence as a second body in us that must live its own life. It needs to have an action on our physical body and not be demolished as the body also lives its own life. For the moment, what is important is to let this energy grow in us, to take on

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force. We must feel that it needs a connection with a higher energy. The question is how to allow this new body to develop, how to absorb subtle vibrations until they saturate my Presence. Our work is to be vigilant, to see what can sustain this body. This requires an attitude, consciously maintained, in which the largest part of my attention is held within, engaged in this desired penetration. This practice, which conserves energy, is an act of creation. The vision o f what takes place in us is the most important thing. The result comes from this seeing and from the friction between opening to the un­ known and the response of our functions. This is the beginning of a "crystallization,” the formation o f something indivisible, individual and permanent— will, consciousness, “I.” I awake in order to be whole, to become conscious with a w ill to be. The second body has as its substance a finer intelligence, a sensitiv­ ity. Like the physical body it requires food for its development. A strug­ gle, a conscious confrontation, is necessary to call an energy that would not otherwise appear. When our attention is strongly concentrated in front of the various movements o f our thinking, feeling and body, this produces a substance similar to electricity. It is necessary to accumu­ late this material for a second body to be formed. The way is long, but the substance can be created in us by conscious effort and voluntary suffering. The new body will then have a possibility o f action on the physical body. W hat is important is the continual struggle between our head and our “animal,” between our individuality and our func­ tions, because we need the substance that this conscious confrontation produces. It requires effort again and again, and we must not be dis­ couraged because the result o f our work comes slowly. There is in us naturally a permanent conflict between the psyche and the organic body. They have different natures— one wishes, the other does not wish. There is a confrontation that we must reinforce voluntarily by our work, by our will, so that a new possibility o f being can be born. It is for this that we undertake a task, something precise that reinforces this struggle. For example, my organism has the habit o f eating or sitting in a certain way. This is its conditioning, but I refuse

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to obey it. There is a struggle, a conscious voluntary struggle between a “yes” and a “no” that calls the third force, the “I” that is the master who can reconcile. The body is an animal, the psyche a child. It is necessary to edu­ cate both, to put each in its place. I have to make the body understand that it must obey, not command. For this I must see what takes place in me. I must know myself. Then I can take a task that corresponds to my possibilities and exercise a conscious will. I create a struggle be­ tween the “yes” and the "no” for my being. Only at this moment does the work begin. Our experience o f suffering is never voluntary. It is mechanical, a reaction o f the machine. W hat is voluntary is to place oneself in condi­ tions that bring about suffering and to stay in front. A conscious man no longer suffers— in consciousness one is happy. But suffering thus prepared is indispensable for transformation.

XI

THE ESSENTIAL BEING

Our essential nature is immobility, the great force o f life in which all movements appear. I see the world beyond my form and, through this vision, I see the world o f form . The essential effort is always consciousness o f “I.” Everything is related to this— touching my essence. Faith is the lived certitude o f having gone beyond the limits o f my ordinary “I.” In seeing my ego and the real “I,” I liberate myself. This is the death o f my ordinary “I.” The ordinary “I ” is a phantom , a projection o f my self. In fact, everything I take as m anifestation is not something separate, but a projection o f the essential. Reality has no continuity. It is beyond time, outside duration.

RECOGNIZING A FALSE A T T I T U D E

117. Stages o f work Our essential nature is immobility, the great force o f life in which all movements appear. Yet, at the same time, we are energy in movement, a continual movement that never stops. If our functions could be at rest— even for one, two or three seconds— we would come to a new knowledge of our true self. Change in our being comes about through transformation of en­ ergy, a work that takes place in successive stages over time. First, there is a state of observation, of “critical watching,” in which I become aware of a false attitude in myself. This is not a mental representation but an inner awareness of the body that reveals all the flaws of imbalance from the functioning of one center alone. Second, as the false is recog­ nized and felt, there is a letting go o f what impedes me. This is a state of "trust," the opposite o f wanting “to do.” It is a dissolving of what has become fixed, abandoning a way o f thinking that transforms every­ thing into an object. This means accepting what takes place without relying on any mental representation. The predominance o f “I” shows in the body. The accent in my breathing passes from inhalation to exhalation. The third stage is marked by becoming conscious o f the essential Being. The form o f “I” becomes permeable. Everything that was

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hardened is dissolved and reconstituted for the formation of the second body. In the fourth stage there is trust in the essential, admitting the formless without classifying or naming. This requires the courage to endure the state o f no longer understanding, that is, to be under the radiance of Being and to stay there, taking the risk again and again of dropping my deeply rooted attitudes and convictions. In transformation the question is not how to achieve a more open state but how to allow it. The energy is here. Our role is not to make this energy appear in us, to make it pass in us, but to let it pass in us. If I do not submit to its action, the passage w ill not take place. In fact, the more I “try,” the more the way is blocked. Nothing gets through. The active force and the passive force are always present in us. What tries to be active— my thought, which always wants something— needs to remain passive. Then the attention is active. A feeling appears, a feel­ ing that transforms everything because it allows a relation. In me, in what I am, there is a Presence that is pure, a thought that is pure. It consists o f innumerable waves, but in its nature it is pure, vast and without limits. It is wholly sufficient unto itself. The waves are simply waves, not the energy itself. It is I who produces them. If I see the waves and do not try to stop them, they will subside by them­ selves and not disturb me. They w ill become quiet, and I will feel the pure nature of my mind, my thought. The waves are one and the same as the energy, but I take them for something else, something they are not. The energy always has waves, always a movement. But both the wave and the energy are in reality the same. W hat is important is to know the energy itself, the pure energy. If I were truly present, there would be no waves, no movements in me.

118. A flagrant contradiction We are not what we believe ourselves to be. I always say that I seek, but in reality I am sought. I do not know this enough. Something I could believe in is missing, something absolutely true that would be like new knowledge, a force that would prevail over my inertia.

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I need to have a force in me coming from a higher level o f the cos­ mos. It must become part o f what I am. It should emanate and radiate in me. But the state o f my being, my consciousness, does not allow me to feel it. I am separated from reality by the mirage of my reaction at the moment of receiving an impression. This prevents me from re­ maining open to the totality of what I am perceiving. There are always words, subjective emotions and tensions, and this movement does not stop. I do not know this movement and cannot rightly evaluate it, and so a new order, a sign of my transformation, does not appear. I have a way o f taking myself as an object, always thinking o f “me,” always with a complaint. This way of being preoccupied with myself is false and can teach me nothing. I wish to be conscious o f what I am, who I am, and I see myself respond: “I am here. It is I.” At the same time, I feel this is not true, it is not really “I.” Yet this is the way I think. And when I say "I,” I feel my­ self as the center of everything. I affirm myself. Things only exist in relation to me: I like them, I do not like them; this is good for me, that is bad for me. I am separate, distinct from everything. Even my wish to know myself can come from this self-centered attitude, from my ordi­ nary "I.” I am always ready to defend and support this "I," this center o f gravity which, deep down, is not really what I am. Alongside the affirmation o f this “I,” there is something that does not affirm, that does not demand— something that is. At each moment of affirmation I refuse myself and I refuse others. We are not what we believe ourselves to be. There is in us an es­ sential impulse toward consciousness that comes from an innate need to realize the totality o f our being, a wish leading toward the transfor­ mation of ourselves. We know this wish is in us, and at certain mo­ ments we are touched by it. But it is still not a fact for us, and our self-centered consciousness is not transformed. In fact, we are exactly like all those around us whom we find petty, stupid, mean, envious and so on. Like them, we are not aware of the impulses that move us and create the current in which we live. We continue to compare our­ selves with others and believe in our superiority, hiding behind ideas

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and hopes. But we do not want to see this. We believe that we will suc­ ceed in knowing what is beyond our habitual state without taking into account what prevents us, without even understanding the fabric of our thoughts, feelings and actions. This creates in us a certain hypoc­ risy. We have not yet seen the flagrant contradiction between our wish for a larger consciousness and the impulses driving our habitual behavior. We have not accepted that in order to find the truth, we have to understand the source o f our thought and our action— the ordinary “I.” We always hope that something w ill come about all by itself, but transformation takes place only if, little by little, I give myself to it en­ tirely. We have to pay with the effort of self-remembering and the ef­ fort o f self-observation, giving up the he of believing in ourselves for a moment of reality. This w ill bring a new attitude toward ourselves. The most difficult thing is to learn how to pay. We receive exactly as much as we pay. In order to feel the authority o f a subtle Presence, we have to pass beyond the wall o f our ego, the wall of our mental reac­ tions from which springs the notion of “I.” It is necessary to pay. With­ out paying, we have nothing.

up. The affirmation o f myself The movement o f energy in us is continuous. It never stops. Rather it passes through phases o f intense projection which we call tension, and phases o f returning to oneself which we call letting go, relaxing. There cannot be continuous tension and there cannot be continuous relax­ ation. These two aspects are the very life o f the movement o f energy, the expression o f our life. From its source in us, energy is projected outward through the channel of our functions toward an aim. In this movement the functions create a kind o f center that we call "I,” and we believe that this projecting outward is the affirmation of our self. This "I,” around which our thoughts and emotions revolve, cannot let go. It lives in tension, is nourished by tensions. This ordinary "I,” our ego, is always preoccupied with what pleases

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or displeases it— what "I” like or what “I” dislike— in a perpetual clos­ ing that becomes fixed. It desires, fights, defends itself, compares and judges all the time. It wants to be the first, to be admired and to make its force, its power, felt. This “I” is a center o f possession in which all the experiences inscribed in our memory are accumulated. And it is from this center that I wish “to do”— to change, to have more, to im­ prove. I want to become this, to acquire that. This "I" always wants to possess more. With ambition, avidity, it always has to become some­ thing better. W hy does the “I” have this exaggerated need to be some­ thing, to make sure o f it, and to express this at every moment? It has a fear o f being nothing. Is not identification, at its core, based on fear? This “I” constantly seeks to establish permanence, to find security. So we identify with all kinds of knowledge and belief. The experience o f identifying is all that we know, all that we value. But we w ill not achieve permanence by identification. This process can only lead to conflict because of the limitations of our thinking mind. It deals only with form in time, with something finite. This mind cannot imagine something beyond— in the realm o f what is— and it cannot bring any­ thing new. Yet real security does not come by escaping from this mind. It is possible only when the thinking is truly quiet, when the accumu­ lating action o f ambition and desire comes to an end. In order to see what is, I have to recognize that my state cannot be permanent. It changes from moment to moment. This state o f imper­ manence is my truth. I must not seek to avoid it or place my hope in a rigidity that seems to help. I have to live, to experience this state of impermanence, and proceed from there. For this, I have to listen. Yet if I only listen to what I wish to hear, I w ill never be free. I have to listen to whatever appears, and in order to really listen, I must not resist. This act of listening, of being present, is a true liberation. I am aware of my reactions to everything that takes place in me. I cannot avoid reacting, but for reactions not to stop me, I must be able to go beyond them. I have to continue until I see that it is everything I know that keeps me from approaching the real, the unknown. I must feel all the conditioning o f the known in order to be free from it. Then my search

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for silence, for tranquillity, w ill be a quest not for security, but for free­ dom to receive the unknown. When the mind is freer and truly quiet, there is a sense of insecu­ rity, but within it there is complete security because the ordinary “I” is absent. My mind is no longer moved by the wish "to do” on the part of my "I,” by its demands, by its ambitions, even for my own inner growth. In this tranquillity all the responses, reactions and move­ ments of this “I” are left behind. My mind is at rest, stilled by the vision of what is. An order is established that I cannot institute myself but to which I need actively to submit. I feel a kind o f respect, and suddenly I see that it is trust. I have confidence in this order, in this law, more than in myself. I entrust myself to it with my whole being.

120. M y attitude expresses what I am There are in us two different centers o f gravity around which we re­ volve. Our ordinary “I” is always responding to defend its existence. The other center is the real substance that we are, the reality that seeks to appear in us and be expressed through us. One cannot exist without the other. They need each other. How can there be a relation between them? W hat attitude on my part would allow a new unity to appear? I need to watch in order to see that my attitude is false. My ordi­ nary ‘T tenses, even if I merely hope for consciousness to appear. So I need to trust this other center o f my being, this core that needs me. I believe that I trust it, that I am not relying on my ordinary “I,” which can “do” something. Yet even the way in which I trust reflects a "do­ ing.” It is not that this “I” is in itself bad, but that it turns away from what is beyond it. I need to see this until it brings me a shock. The way I am in my body can either signify distortion or reflect an inner form that develops in a right way when there is no forcing. The authenticity o f what I am is expressed by the combination of the atti­ tude of my body, the quality and relation of tension and letting go, and the breathing that takes place in me. It is something I need to experi­ ence constantly. For this I need to watch. If I watch, I can glimpse the

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movement o f concentration o f my energy in my head or solar plexus, which upsets the balance of unity in me. I feel wrongly situated in my­ self. This is a moment o f becoming conscious of a false attitude. Then I need to feel strongly what a right attitude would be, with a new cen­ ter of gravity. I need to have a real impression o f it, so that afterward I will wish to find it again. If I become sensitive to this center o f my es­ sence, I will see that right away a letting go takes place. It takes place at the same time as the right attitude appears. Can I trust it? Can I stay and not intervene? It is in my attitude that I express what I am, here, at this moment. My ordinary ‘T expresses itself through constant tension in the body above the waist. This is a habitual form that I trust but one in which the reality of what I am cannot appear. I can only see this false attitude when the chaotic movements of my thoughts and feelings come to a stop. In this stop a space appears . . . silence. I feel alive . . . more alive. I am conscious of being here, of existing, fully and completely. This awareness goes beyond and contains everything. It includes my body, without which it would not be possible. My body is like a mirror re­ flecting the light. I see the world beyond my form and, through this vision, I see the world of form. I feel a wish to be, a consciousness, which brings me to the heart of these two realities and allows them to play their role. There is a sense o f a real "I,” of “I Am,” and my ordinary “I” no longer turns away, no longer fears being annihilated. It knows why it is here. It has found its place, its purpose.

A R E A L I T Y I N ME

121. A wholly different vibration Forces from all worlds pass through me, from the lowest to the high­ est, the most pure. And I do not know it. I do not feel them, I do not serve them. For this to be possible, the barriers that separate me from my essential being must fall, and I have to become conscious of myself as a whole. There is in me a sense o f insufficiency, of dissatisfaction that is not understood. It sets in without any real questioning about its source, and without the feeling of self being engaged. Instead of a perception of the real fact, which could call a new attention, there is a reaction. My mind remains passive, judging, demanding what it does not bring it­ self. I do not understand either the nature o f the dissatisfaction or the nature of the reaction. The reaction is not put in doubt, and my feeling does not change. It cannot change because the being, my being, is not concerned as a whole. And this dissatisfaction, which in fact reflects the need o f consciousness to grow, is appropriated by the ego. W hen I am touched by an event on a larger scale, I realize that there is a reality beyond the reach o f my habitual way of being, an elu­ sive energy beyond my known tension and relaxation. I see that I vacil­ late between tensions o f all kinds and the relaxation, voluntary and involuntary, that follows them. Yet I never see the tension— intellec­

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tual, em otion al or physical— in the m om en t itse lf as tension. I see o n ly the result: the w o rd , the im age, the form it produces, the em o tio n in reactin g for or against. T h e tension itself, th e m o v em en t o f energy, I do not see, and so I am subject to it. Since tension and relaxation m ake up w h a t w e call o u r life, g iv in g us the im pression o f livin g , w e are avid ly attached to them . It seem s that e v e ry th in g w o u ld collapse w ith o u t them . But these m ovem en ts hide so m eth in g m o re real, so m eth in g that I do not see because m y attention is caught. H o w can I k n o w this? W h e n o u r attention is placed on ourselves, w e b ecom e aw are o f tensions w ith in o u r w h o le body, w h ich w e feel as a h a rd en in g o f m at­ ter. Yet th ey cou ld be felt as vibrations o f d ifferent kinds, each h a vin g its o w n speed, its o w n density, its o w n sound. A m ovem en t, a tension, cou ld be felt as sound or as light, p ro d u cin g a cu rren t that is m ore m a g ­ n etic or less m agnetic. T h ese vibration s are chaotic and k eep o u r atten­ tion dispersed, in the dark. I feel m y s e lf taken b y th em , unable to disengage. N evertheless, fro m beh in d the chaos, I m ay feel the action o f a vibration that is w h o lly d ifferent in its intensity. T h is vibratio n is m ore subtle, and it is d ifficu lt to attu n e the slow er vibration s that hold m e back, w h ich are too incoherent. But there is so m eth in g that re­ sponds. I feel an in flu en ce m ore lum in ou s, m ore in telligen t th an m y usual awareness. A n d I feel a w ish to o b ey this influence, to serve it. In order to attune m yself, I b eco m e m ore sensitive. N o w m y tensions seem useless, even b o th ersom e, and fall aw ay b y them selves. I becom e perm eable, as th o u g h each and all the parts o f m e w e re attu n ed to the w a v e le n g th o f this subtle vibration. T h e essential effort is alw ays consciousness o f “ I.” E v e ry th in g is related to this— to u ch in g m y essence. W h a t contains the en erg y is tem porary. T h e en erg y is perm an ent. I re co g n iz e this in stillness w h en , w ith a pure attention, a kin d o f sixth sense, I d isen gage m y s e lf fro m associations and reactions that d istort m y visio n o f the real. I need a conscious attitude, an im pulse co m in g fro m all th ree centers, in order to tou ch m y essence, the cu rren t o f life in m e. A t th is point, I see m y reaction in receivin g an im pression and I am not w h o lly lost in it. T h is experience is w hat could be stable, fo rm in g a n e w center o f g ra v ity

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in m e. It is here that I need to hold m yself. H ere is the o n ly w o rk , an en gagem en t fro m w h ic h can b e b o rn the substance that becom es the m aterial o f the second body.

'*6 *'

122. Sincerity

T o k n o w m y s e lf is not an idea, n o t a hope, nor a duty. It is an irresist­ ible feelin g, y e t I do n o t k n o w in advan ce w h ere it is leading. I w ish to find so m eth in g that is tru ly m e. I o p en to qu estio n in g. I see th at m y th in k in g is fu ll o f its e lf and k n o w s o n ly its o w n activity. But seeing this frees m e fro m th e th o u g h t, frees the energy. I can see, and I feel the w ish to be. In order to approach the thresh old o f reality, the u n k n o w n , I need u n co m p ro m isin g sincerity. E v e ry th in g I k n o w is k n o w n th ro u gh the co n d itio n in g o f m y th in k in g m ind. In order to k n o w m y tru e nature, I have to pass beyo n d the a ctiv ity o f the m ind. T h is does not m ean to d en y it, to w is h to ch an ge it o r to oppose it. Rather, I have to u nd er­ stand its fu n ctio n in g and see h o w it conditions m e. T h e n there is an acceptance, w ith a certain cla rity and peace, and an attitude that al­ low s m y first contact w ith the u n k n o w n . M y m ind itself is seen as part o f the u n k n o w n , and the k n o w in g that constitutes its fu n ctio n in g, its w a y o f b rin g in g its m em ory, appears in an oth er light. I see that, in se ek in g secu rity in the m ind, I lose m y s e lf in it, I g iv e m y se lf to it. If I w is h to k n o w m yself, I h ave to see this co n d itio n in g at each m om en t and not be fooled b y it. A tim e m ay com e w h e n I see that I do not kn o w , w h en m y m ind is em ptied o f th e contents o f m e m o ry — I do n o t k n o w w h a t I am beyond m y u su al consciousness, and I have n o th in g in m e that cou ld know . So lo n g as I h ave n o t liv ed th is fact, the exp erien ce I have o f m y s e lf re­ m ain s superficial. M y sensation belo n gs to the state m ain tained b y the k n o w n , w h ich does not a llo w m e to pen etrate the deeper layers o f m y­ self, u n k n o w n to m y u su al consciousness. M y d ifferen t centers w ill be related not by fo rcin g but by u nd er­ stan d in g in th e v e ry m om en t th eir lack o f relation and the lim itation

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that this im plies. It is possible to b eco m e m ore aw are o f the sensation and, th ro u g h lettin g go, to have a d eeper im pression o f the en erg y in m e. But I see that m y th o u g h t does not really blend w ith m y sensation. O n the contrary, the sensation becom es co m p letely d isen gaged from the thought. A kin d o f con trad iction arises b e tw e e n these tw o centers, and the m ore I try, the greater it becom es. I feel the lack o f so m eth in g essential, so m eth in g intim ate, that w o u ld reveal a n e w understanding. H o w can I evaluate this condition in w h ich I find m y s e lf— g e t to the b o tto m o f it? T h e m ea n in g o f sin cerity appears in the q u estio n in g itself, in fac­ in g the problem . A t the m om en t the qu estion arises there is a call to feelin g, w h ich appears in the form o f sincerity. T h e dem an d here is for u n co m p rom isin g sincerity. W ith o u t sin cerity I w ill not know . T h e m ore I face the real fact, the m ore I stay in front, the m ore m y em otion is purified. I am sincere. M y em otion blends w ith the th o u g h t and the sensation, and I feel m y s e lf d ifferent, unified. T h is is a transform ation o f m y state beyo n d the state o f m y o rd in a ry "I,” an abdication o f m y o w n w ill to correspond to the w ill o f the void. In this vo lu n ta ry passiv­ ity I live m y transform ation, passing fro m one density to another. T h e w ish for u n co m p ro m isin g sin cerity m akes m e sensitive to lis­ ten to m yself, and leads m e to the th reshold w h ere I could pass from m y ord in ary aw areness to a w id er consciousness. W h e n m y sincerity is tested, the feelin g o f m y s e lf is put in question. A ro u n d w h a t does it revolve? I w ish to leave the realm o f m y th ou gh ts and em otion s in o r­ der to be attentive to so m eth in g m ore true. W h e n I approach the threshold o f an u n k n o w n reality, I observe the im pulses— the th ou gh ts and desires— that drive m y actions. T h ere is a n e w attitude, a n e w w a y o f bein g. But this is not so m eth in g that is assured. I find it o n ly at the precise m om en t w h en I have a b u rn in g need for sincerity.

123. Faith T oday I ask m y s e lf the question: D o I have faith in som ething? W h e n is it that I feel faith, and w h en does doubt appear? B etw e e n faith and

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doubt there is a con tin u al m o v em en t b a ck and forth, but I am unable to hold this u nd er m y lo o k or understand it. W h a t is m issing? M y th o u g h ts and m y em otions, co m in g on e after another, have a m ea n in g and pu rpose, bu t I can n ot d iscover it. T h e y are ju st a part, a sm all part o f m y P resence. B ehind th em there is a life force that they hide fro m m e. W h e n these th ou gh ts and em otion s appear, I subm it to th em as th o u g h th ey w e re essential. But th ey are not the essential. To accept this th eo retica lly is one th in g, but to live it, to a ctu ally experi­ ence it, is so m eth in g else. T h r o u g h a sin gle part I can never feel the w h ole. Yet i f I understand the w h o le, the place and im portan ce o f the p art b eco m e clear. I k n o w w h y it is here. So m y m ind, m y th in kin g, needs to see the w h ole. A s lo n g as I am taken b y partial m ovem ents, stopped b y them , m y visio n w ill rem ain false. I need to feel the w h ole in order to k n o w tru th , reality. It is n ecessary to exp erien ce and reco g n ize in m y se lf a reality that is alm ost im possible to grasp bu t w h ich nonetheless I can n ot doubt. It m ust appear m ore real th an e v e ry th in g I th in k I k n o w o f m y se lf as es­ sential. It is at this m om en t th at faith is tou ch ed in m e. T h is is not a faith that has b een instilled, not a b e lie f in an ideal. It is a m om en t o f a ctu a lly re co g n iz in g that I have lived so m eth in g beyon d the percep ­ tion o f m y senses, and that I have k n o w n it th ro u g h a fee lin g beyond m y u su al fee lin g o f m yself. A t the sam e tim e, faith is not at m y dis­ posal. I feel so m eth in g in m e d em an d in g to be reco gn ized , not because I th in k it but because, w is h in g to listen, I feel its action on m e. W h e n I sim ply th in k o f m e, I never receive the im pression o f m y s e lf in this w ay, becau se to receive it requ ires m ore th an m y th ou g h t alone. Yet this im pression is ex a ctly w h a t I need m ost. T h is is w h a t brings faith— the lived certitu d e o f h a v in g g o n e beyo n d the lim its o f m y ord in ary "I." Is this possible for me? If I enter in to the experience, I see right a w ay that I ex p ect so m eth in g fro m it. But there is n o th in g to exp ect— e v e ry th in g is here. N evertheless, I continue to exp ect. I exp ect a sensa­ tion, that is, so m eth in g I k n o w th ro u g h m y body. I believe that m y th in k in g and m y b o d y m ust do som ethin g. W h e n I realize this, sud­ d enly I see this approach is false and I feel freer. A m om en t ago it

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seem ed that on one side th ere w a s m y b o d y and on the oth er, an e n ­ ergy. N o w , becau se I am n o lo n g er th in k in g w ith w o rd s, m y th o u g h t does not g o to one or the other, and m y a tten tio n can in clu d e the w h o le. T h is g iv es m e an im pressio n o f e x tra o rd in a ry fu lln ess, an im ­ pression o f life. U nfortunately, th ou gh ts and w o rd s reappear. I again doubt. I no lon ger understand, no lon ger know . Yet I w ish to understand.

That I am seated, I know. That I have a body, I know. That I have a Presence, I know. That I am a particle o f life, I know.

T h is faith acts on m e. I listen to it. Faith can n ot be transm itted. N o t even an atom can b e g iv en b y one bein g to another. It com es fro m understanding.

124. Remorse o f conscience O n the w a y to w ard in n er rebirth, it is the tru e feelin g o f love that en­ ables one to cross the second threshold. But before pure fee lin g can appear, one has to pass th ro u gh faith and, fro m a force nou rish ed by hope, acquire d iscernm ent. For this it is n ecessary to have a re n e w al o f intelligence and a k n o w led g e that reinstates an order o f valu es in w h ich person ality subm its to the real "I.” T o believe, to hope, to love are all indispensable for evolu tio n o f being. But th ey can b e lived o n ly if, at the sam e tim e, v o lu n tary su ffer­ in g allow s true, h igh er feelin g to appear. It is n ecessary to feel rem orse o f conscience. T h e v o lu n tary effort is to prepare conditions and stay in front o f m y inadequacy— to suffer m y insufficiency. In th is w a y a w ill develops that w o u ld not o th erw ise b e produced, and a feelin g arises that is not a reaction. W h e n one is tou ch ed b y a h igh er force, the exp e­ rience o f su fferin g is not the same. In m om ents o f inadequacy, unable to approach the reality o f m yself,

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I feel b eh in d all m y m an ifestations a constan t su fferin g, as i f som e­ th in g precious w e re m issing. It is a sign. U ntil n o w m y aw areness has n o t been tru e consciousness. I have b een liv in g o n ly w ith m y o rd in ary fu n ctions. N o w I k n o w I can g o fu rther, I can reach a deeper level in m yself. A n d at certain m om en ts I succeed in to u ch in g m y essence, as th o u g h fee lin g a n e w cen ter o f gravity. T h is essence is lik e a n e w b o rn ch ild that I have to no u rish and strengthen. It is here that I need to concentrate, to hold m y s e lf in m y w o rk. M ore and m ore I feel a need for the spiritual in m e, for spirit to pen etrate and tran sfo rm m e. Yet th e passage is n o t free. I rem ain on the surface o f m yself, cond itioned b y an in n er lack o f relation. Even if I h ave a stron g feelin g, I am alw ays on the surface. So lon g as I do not face this, I can n ot pen etrate deeper in m yself. But w h en I see and feel it, a kin d o f su fferin g arises, a fee lin g o f lack, o f insufficiency. D o I ac­ cept b e in g in fro n t o f this insufficiency, or do I in fact refuse? T h e suf­ ferin g is not from m y attach m en t to the idea o f m yself, m y self-love, nor fro m som e failu re in th e past. It is a su fferin g fro m m y o w n indif­ ference, m y incapacity, fro m h o w I am liv in g now. I need to feel re­ m orse o f conscience so that I h ave a v isio n o f th is insufficiency, a clear seeing o f the lack. M y deep w is h is to su bm it en tirely to an in n er voice, the fee lin g o f the d ivin e, o f the sacred in m e. I k n o w that a h igh er en ergy— w h at re­ ligion s call G o d o r L ord — is w ith in m e. It w ill appear i f the m ind and the b o d y are tru ly related. G o d is here w h e n tw o forces are opposed and a th ird u nites them . W e can ask for help in order to unite these forces in us. W e can say, “ L ord, have m ercy,” in order to Be.

T H E E M E R G E N C E OF “ I

125. The extraordinary impression o f existing I need tru ly to re co g n ize in m y s e lf tw o states o f being. I have to see the d ifference b etw e en a state in w h ich it is m y eg o that acts and another state w h ere the w h o le o f m e acts, in w h ich I feel that I am w h ole. I see m ore and m ore that e v e ry th in g I believe I k n o w com es fro m m y th in k ­ ing, even w h a t I take as sensations. It is all sim ply a p rojection o f m y th ough t. But beh in d this there is an other “ I” that is b eyo n d the th in k­ ing, the feelin g and the body. I b eg in to k n o w that this “ I” exists, that there is a separate principle o f consciousness— p u re th in k in g — w h ich sees and observes the o rd in a ry "I.” In m y search for consciousness, the ego, this o rd in a ry “ I,” cou ld be the p ivo t o f m y efforts i f it consented to serve rather th an b e the m as­ ter. But this is im possible w h e n m y d ifferen t parts act separately and independently, w ith o u t ta k in g accoun t o f the w h ole. So, instead o f se rv in g and h elping m y d evelopm ent, m y eg o sw ells and bars the way. W h o am I? It is im possible to answ er. I see I am not m y body. I let it becom e passive. I am not m y o rd in a ry th in kin g. It, too, b ecom es p as­ sive. In the face o f this qu estioning, I see I am not m y egotistic feelin g, w h ich also becom es passive. W h o am I? T h ere is a le ttin g go, a relax­ ation, w h ich becom es deeper and deeper. I let go, not in order to obtain som ethin g. I let g o out o f h u m ility becau se I b e g in to see that b y m y s e lf

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I am n o th in g , and at the h eart o f this h u m ility a trust, a kind o f faith, appears. In this m om en t I am tranquil. I am at peace. In this d eeper lettin g go, I open to the vita l center o f m y force in the abdom en, and a relation appears b etw e en the energies o f m y d iffer­ ent fu n ction s. T h is contact m akes m e feel that the to ta lity o f m y bein g is secure. E v e ry th in g is integrated, e v e ry th in g in its place. I feel I am p art o f an order that is right and in volves m e as a w h ole. M y b o d y is at rest, not strain in g in any direction. T h e re is a continuous m ovem en t o f lettin g g o d o w n w a rd to w ard this center o f gravity. F rom here the energ y g o es ou t as I en gage in life and retu rn s as I com e b a ck to m yself. In this m o v em en t o f deep le ttin g go, I have th e im pression o f an en ergy that has b een freed, liberated w ith o u t effort, w ith o u t m y d oin g any­ thin g. T h is happens as a result. N eith er m y th o u g h t nor m y em otion can take ch arge o f this energy. It does not b elo n g to them . It is a tran ­ scendental force that acts as lo n g as I o b ey it. I f I accept and do not resist the exp erien ce b y try in g to d irect it, th is en erg y w ill transform m e. I need to live it and o b ey it consciously. T h is m o vem en t is the m o v e­ m ent o f m y being. W h e n m y b o d y com es to a state w h ere there is no lon ger any ten­ sion, I feel the fineness o f th e sensation o f stillness. It is lik e the b irth o f being. A n d I feel the fineness o f the th ou gh t, w h ich reaches a level w h ere it pen etrates and registers e v e ry th in g th at takes place. I com e to the ex tra o rd in a ry im pression o f existing. A n d w h en I am quiet in this w ay, im m o b ile, to ta lly w ith o u t tension, I feel that m y b reath in g has an im p ortan ce that I n e ver g iv e it, a g reat im portan ce. It is b y this act that I participate in life, an act greater th an m yself. I exist in this m o v e­ m ent, a liv in g m o v em en t in w h ich I am included. It is not m y b o d y that breathes. It is "I" w h o breathes.

126. The death o f my ordinary “I" I rem em b er m y s e lf in the m om en t w h e n I do not see m y s e lf as an o b ­ je ct, w h e n consciousness leaves n o ro o m for division. It is the m om en t w h en , feelin g consciousness, I feel I am consciousness. I feel “I.” R e­

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m em b erin g o n e se lf is the em o tio n al sh o ck that o ccu rs w h e n all the energies in us com e into contact. T h is em its a creative vib ratio n that is im m ed iately subject to the L a w o f Seven. So, rem e m b erin g o n e se lf cann ot rem ain static. In m y h abitu al state m y exp erien ce is v a g u e and nebulous. T h o u g h ts, w a ve s o f em o tio n s and tension s arise. T h e th o u g h ts do not com e all at once; th ey arrive one after th e other. It is th e sam e w ith the em otions. W h e n on e th o u g h t has passed, an o th er arises. But b e ­ tw e e n the tw o there is an in terval, a stop, a space that is ex tre m e ly im p ortan t. B ehin d the m o v em en t that has b e g u n and finished, there is a reality that is h idd en fro m m e. In th is in terva l I can b e co m e aw are o f w h a t is b eh in d the m ovem en t. N o th o u g h t lasts; w h a t appears m ust disappear. T h e d isap p earin g is as im p o rtan t as th e appearin g. It is part o f the sam e fact. A n d i f I can live the tw o , accept th em b o th , I am b e ­ yon d the appearance and the disappearance. I co n tain them . In this m om en t, m y centers en ter into relation w ith each other, a relation that com es b y itself. O p en in g to o u r essential bein g, the h igh er centers, requires a state o f unity. But, in o u r u su al state, o u r cen ter o f g ra v ity is alw ays refused in favor o f the ego and displaced to w ard the upper part o f the body. T h is cuts us o ff fro m o u r tru e form . T h e separation fro m o u r essential nature brings suffering. W h e n it is stron g, th is su fferin g b rin gs an o p en in g that allow s a co m in g tog eth er to w a rd unity. T h e re m u st be a decision, a d eterm ination to fo llo w the w a y th ro u g h w h ich o u r essen­ tial bein g is ca llin g us. T h is requires a p erp etu al con tact w ith th is es­ sential b ein g i f w e are to b eco m e able to serve and express a force that transcends us. W e need to die to one level— as e g o — in order to be re­ born on another. I w ish to open. I feel the need to risk m y established position. A n d I feel the need for silence, a real silence, em ptiness. A t the sam e tim e, I w o u ld like to take, to have, in order to subsist in m y u su al way. I do not subm it, do not reco gn ize, do not serve. I w a n t to serve m yself. A n d I need to accept this fact, to liv e it, to su ffer it rather th an seek a w a y out. To resolve it tod ay w o u ld b e an escape, a w a y o f b ru sh in g aside w h a t is

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inevitable. I feel closed, indifferent. A n d I feel th is reality that calls m e bu t that, at the sam e tim e, I do not trust. I do not have faith in it. I w an t it to y ield to m e. I am afraid, afraid o f disappearing. In order for m e to pass beyo n d this fragm en tation, this separation fro m m y essential b ein g, all the en erg y in m e needs to blend. It needs to be en tirely liberated. D o I see the necessity for this? D o I accept it, do I w ish it? For this, an absolute tra n q u illity needs to appear in all the parts o f m yself. T h is is not in order to succeed, or to receive and ap­ propriate to m y s e lf so m eth in g m arvelo u s. Rather, it is to see m y no th ­ ingness, m y attach m en t, m y fear o f losin g the m ea n in g I attribute to m yself. Instead o f alw ays w a n tin g to b e right, I see m y contradictions. I see m y s e lf h y p n o tized b y m y im agin ation . I see e v e ry th in g together, b o th m y eg o and the real “ I.” In so seeing, I liberate m yself. For a m om en t I am no longer the sam e. M y freed attention, m y consciousness, then k n o w s w h at I am essentially. T h is is the death o f m y o rd in a ry "I.” T o rem em b er o n eself m eans to die to oneself, to the lie o f o n e’s im agination. I have the taste o f u n d erstan d in g th ro u g h aw areness o f the lack o f understanding. In rem em b erin g oneself, it is the lettin g g o o f the eg o that allow s a n e w consciousness to penetrate. T h e n I see that the o rd in a ry “ I” is a phan­ tom , a projectio n o f m y self. In fact, e v e ry th in g I take as m anifestation is not so m eth in g separate, bu t a projectio n o f the essential. R etu rn in g to the source, I b eco m e conscious o f that w h ich arises not to fall back, that w h ich is not b o rn and does not die— the eternal Self.

127. I see reality In order for m e to receive and transm it e n erg y o f a h igh er level, there m u st be an in n er o rgan ism , lik e an oth er b o d y liv in g its o w n life, in w h ich each elem en t w o rk s to w ard m ain ta in in g the w h ole. A s in the physical body, no part can w o r k in d epen den tly for itself. T h is is w h at o u g h t to take place in th e in n er o rg a n iza tio n for all o u r centers. T h eir fu n ctio n in g should assure th e life o f a Presence, anoth er o rgan ism re ­ lated to h ig h er centers. A n e w order needs to b e established. For this I

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have to separate the subtle fro m the coarse, n o t to discrim in ate, to m ake ju d gm en ts, but in order to keep th em distinct, u n til one nature lives its life in the other. T h is creates a n e w circu it, an em o tio n al cu r­ rent purer than the u su al subjective em otions. I f there is a deep lettin g go, a fin er en erg y can circu late freely in m e. I th en feel th e P resence like a m agn etic field. A n d I feel the need to have a conscious sensation and to m ake roo m for the inn er being. K n o w in g can n ot take place w h e n there is an im age or a ju d g m e n t. It com es w h e n autom atic th ou g h t and su bjective feelin g are suspended, and a tra n q u illity appears that allo w s the atten tion to be free. Because I need to know , to see, m y attention enters into contact w ith what is. A nd in this contact there is an action that takes place, a b len d in g that brings a P resence w ith its o w n life, its o w n rh yth m . I see the constant duality, the fragm en tatio n and contrad iction p reve n tin g th is blending, p reven tin g unity. A s I see it, the en ergy is transform ed. W h e n bo th the m in d and the b o d y are en tirely still, there is nei­ ther th ou gh t nor m o v em en t . . . o n ly fact, o n ly what is, fact w ith o u t pleasure or pain. T h is experien ce o f fact can n ever b e m ech anical. It cann ot be approached w ith an o p in ion o r a ju d g m e n t, because this w ill then becom e the fact and take the place o f w h a t w e w ish to u nd er­ stand. Fact teaches us. In order to fo llo w its teach in g, o u r listen in g and ou r o bservation m u st b e intense. T h e in ten sity o f atten tion disappears i f there is a m otive for listen in g or o bservin g. O u r u su al su fferin g com es from a th ou g h t that feeds on itself, fo rm in g the o rd in a ry “ I." T h is "I” is like a m achine fed b y the th ou gh t and the feeling. Seeing fact destroys this m achine. O n ly consciousness o f fact w ill b rin g under­ standing, consciousness w ith o u t choice, consciousness o f ev e ry th ou gh t and feelin g, o f their m otive and operation. N o system or m eth od w ill do this. W h a t is im portan t is to see the constant ch an ge o f facts in o n e­ self, m ore im portan t than to seek to g o beyond. C on sciou sn ess o f se lf as on e is, w ith o u t theories o r conclusions, is m editation. W h e n o u r th ou gh ts and feelings blossom and die, w e enter anoth er sphere. A m ovem en t outside tim e appears, w h ich the th in k in g can n ot know . W e no lon ger seek experience and no lon ger ask a n y th in g fro m it.

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T h e tran sform ation that can take place in m e is transform ation o f m y consciousness b y an oth er kin d o f th in k in g and another kind o f feeling. T h is w ill com e about o n ly th ro u g h the w a y o f pure vision, w h ich changes m e entirely, as th o u g h b y a m iracle. In seeing from m o ­ m en t to m om en t w h a t I am , I abandon all that I pretend to be. E very­ th in g is en gaged in this— m y em otions, m y th ou gh t, m y b o d y — -each inten sely active. It is u nd er these conditions that seeing appears. A n en erg y is liberated that alone g iv es m e the force to lo o k deep in m y se lf and not tu rn away, not stop. W h a t is m ost im p ortan t for m e is to see, to see w ith o u t the reaction o f m y m em o ry and regardless o f w h a t I see. W h a tev e r the fact— am bi­ tion, jealou sy, refu sal— the act o f seein g it reveals an en orm ou s pow er. A s the fact itself blossom s, there is u n d erstan d in g not o n ly o f the fact but o f the action that seein g p rod u ces— the ch an ge in m y conscious­ ness. T h e v e ry act o f seeing b rin gs this change, and the tru th o f w h a t I see transform s m y attitude to w ard life. C onsciou sness opens— I see. I see reality, and this b ecom es a ll-p ow erfu l for m e. I have an em otional u n d erstan d in g o f truth. R eality has no continuity. It is beyo n d tim e, outside duration. T ru th m u st b e seen in stan tan eo u sly and then forgotten , u n rem em ­ bered in the sense o f m em o ry o f w h a t has been. T h e perception disap­ pears, bu t since the m in d is u n en cu m b ered it m ay reappear the next day, or even the n ext m om ent.

128. The radiance o f Presence M y b e in g has an o rigin , a source that is alive, a source o f life. I have a w a y o f th in k in g that distin gu ishes m atter fro m energy, b o d y from spirit. But n o th in g exists separately. T h ere is a u n ity o f life. I am at the sam e tim e that w h ich creates and that w h ich is created, w ith o u t any division. W ith m y help, a n e w b o d y can be created th ro u gh w h ich the one u n iqu e life force in m e can m ake its action felt. I alw ays m ake the m istake o f try in g to force m y w a y tow ard being, as i f I cou ld o blige b ein g to appear. T h e opposite is true. It is b ein g that

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constan tly strives to w ard the ligh t o f consciousness. It needs a passage that allow s it to radiate. But on the w a y it m eets the hard cru st o f the eg o and is b locked b y it. In order for b e in g to have an action, a void m ust appear before it in w h ich a finer vibratio n can be sensed. O n ly in em ptiness can its v iv ify in g p o w er be felt, o n ly w h en there are no ten­ sions or any disordered m ovem en ts o f the ego w a n tin g at all costs to p rove its identity, to affirm its authority. E ach tension is testim on y o f m y ego. In each tension the w h o le o f m e is en gaged. I n o w understand that conscious sensation is the first sign o f o b ed i­ ence to so m eth in g greater, the first step to w ard a tru e feelin g. H ere I glim pse the po ssibility o f a d irect perception. M y tyra n n ical "I" su b­ m its and no lon ger dom inates, no lon ger try in g to sh o w its strength. I feel another force, n o t a p o w er that I possess bu t on e in w h ich I am . A t this m om en t there appears an en ergy co m in g fro m a h igh er em otion al current, irresistible so lo n g as it is obeyed. It is this energy, a cosm ic force passing in us, that all traditions call “ love.” A s I b ecom e e m p ty o f all pretense o f k n o w in g , m y fe e lin g b ecom es m ore stable and purified, able to w e ig h opposites, that is, able to know. W h e n the action o f b ein g is felt as a necessity and as so m eth in g I tru ly w ish , I becom e capable o f co m m u n icatin g this feelin g to all m y centers so that th ey are in tegrated into a sin gle w h o le. T h is creates a k in d o f atm osphere lik e a thin, sensitive layer, a filter, w h ich is capable o f cap­ tu rin g w h a t o th erw ise w o u ld be in co m m u n icab le and o f lettin g the m ost subtle elem ents sh o w th ro u gh . T h is atm osphere is n o t a w a ll— the w a ll o f m y eg o falls. It is lik e a filterin g screen conscious o f its m is­ sion. E v e ry th in g depends on the fineness o f the filter, w h o se qu ality and stability can b ecom e the o bject o f m y search. T h is atm osphere is necessary for the action o f m y b ein g. It is lik e a n e w circu it o f another intensity, th ro u g h w h ich I b eco m e conscious o f a cu rren t o f pure feelin g for the true, the real. T h is cu rren t is capable o f e lectrify in g the w h o le but can appear o n ly i f th ere is a u n ity o f atten­ tion in all m y centers. I need this u n ity in order to k n o w m yself. I have to escape the circle o f m y h abitual “ I,” le ttin g m y cru st dis­ solve, so that life can expand in m e and I can absorb the radiations o f

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m y bein g. T h e n there is not an independent b o d y and a P resence for­ eign to it. T h e y are on e and the sam e th in g — the radiance o f a subtle Presence that I experien ce th ro u g h the contact, constan tly renew ed, w ith the v e ry source o f life fro m w h ic h I com e. A n o th er “I” appears, sh ow s th ro u g h m y flesh— this Presen ce m ad e o f another substance.

XII

TO LIVE THE TEACHING

T he miraculous is the entry into an action o f a conscious force that knows why and how the action is performed. In order to create, it is necessary to he liberated by voluntary death, the death o f the ego. Creative vision only belongs to one who dares to look into the depths o f h im self as fa r as the void. Understanding comes only when the spirit is still. The highest form o f intelligence is meditation, an intense vigilance that liberates the mind from its reactions. W e cannot be w ithout relation; we always obey a relation. Either we are related to something higher or we are taken by the lower. It is a struggle o f forces. In my essence I rejoin the one who sees. There is no before, no after, only life itself.

CREATIVE A CTIO N

129. “I am” in movement F rom w h ere do o u r actions, o u r m ovem en ts, com e? W h e n the centers are not related, there can o n ly be reaction. In o u r u su al state the cen ­ ters do not have the sam e associations, the sam e aim , the sam e vision. Real action belongs to a state beyo n d o u r o rd in a ry fu n ctio n in g. T h e re is in us a p erp etu a l m o v em en t o f en e rg y th at n e ve r stops b u t that gives b irth to all kin d s o f o th er m ovem en ts o f energy. E very m o vem en t is a d isp lacem en t fro m on e p o sition or a ttitu d e to an o th er position, anoth er attitude. W e n ever see b o th the p osition and the dis­ placem ent at the sam e tim e. Either w e concentrate on the position and ign ore the m ovem en t, o r w e fo cu s on th e m o v em en t bu t lose sight o f the position. So w e can foresee a m o v em en t and set it in m otion, but w e can n ot fo llo w it. T o fo llo w a m ovem en t requires a certain inn er vision. U su ally the en erg y o f m y lo o k is passive, m y attention not free. I lo o k th ro u g h an im age, an idea, and con sequ en tly do n o t really see. I m ay h ave a sensa­ tion o f m y body, but I do not feel the m o v em en t o f the e n e rg y that is contain ed in it. In order to feel this m ovem en t, the state o f the b o d y m ust change. A n d the state o f the th o u g h t and fe e lin g m ust also change. T h e b o d y has to acquire great sen sitivity and a p o w e r o f action w h o lly u n k n o w n to it. It m ust reco g n ize that it is here to serve, that it

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is th e m atter, th e in stru m en t, th ro u g h w h ich forces act. T h e b o d y m u st see that it needs to obey, and that an u n d erstan d in g b etw e e n it and the th in k in g is absolutely necessary. T h e n a n e w kin d o f m o v e­ m en t can appear— a free m ovem en t. It w ill not take place w ith o u t m e, w ith o u t m y attention. A n d th e m ore total m y attention, the freer the m o v em en t w ill be. T o m ain ta in a relation b e tw e e n o u r centers, an action has to be p erfo rm ed at a certain tem po, a certain speed. But w e alw ays m ove at o u r habitual speed, w h ich is a tem p o o f inertia, a tem p o w ith o u t v iv i­ fy in g attraction. T h e actio n is n o t lived b y all o f m e. Either the b o d y does not w h o lly take part and the th ou g h t loses its freedom , or the th o u g h t is not active en o u g h and the b o d y fo llo w s its o w n habits. So o u r action creates n o th in g new , n o th in g alive, no "sound.” In the G u rd jieff M ovem ents, w h ich can sh o w a n e w q u ality o f ac­ tion, the tem p o is g iv en and w e have to su bm it to it. In o u r o w n w ork, w e o urselves need to find the righ t tem p o and th en eq u ally subm it to it. O th e rw ise the w o r k w ill not tran sform us. I need to feel that m y b o d y and m y th o u g h t h ave equ al participation, the sam e force, the sam e intensity. T h e n th e sensation o f the e n erg y contain ed in the body can be stron ger than the sensation o f the body itself. I can fo llo w the m ovem en t. “ I am ” in m ovem en t.

130. The miraculous in action In co m in g tog eth er to practice the w o rk to be present in practical ac­ tivities, w e are d ra w n b y an irresistible desire for the m iracu lo u s but find ourselves w o r k in g at m u n d an e tasks lik e constru ction , cleaning, co o k in g, pottery. H o w do w e relate these tw o , the m iracu lo u s and life? T h ro u g h action. W ith o u t action, there is no m iracu lo u s and no life. W h e n w e th in k o f an action, w e n ever th in k that actions can be rad ically d ifferen t in th em selves, in th eir quality. W e see clearly the d ifference b e tw e e n w o o d and m etal, and w e are not m istaken. But w e do not see that, in their quality, actions can b e as different fro m each o th er as d ifferen t m aterials. W e are blin d to the forces that enter into

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ou r actions. O f course, w e k n o w that o u r action is m eant to reach an aim , and w e exp ect a resu lt fro m it. W e alw ays th in k o f th e aim , o f the result, bu t n ever o f the action itself. N evertheless, th e aim does not determ ine the action. It is the q u a lity o f the force en terin g an action that conditions it, that m akes it autom atic o r creative. T h e m iracu lo u s is the en try into an action o f a conscious force that k n o w s w h y and h o w the action is perform ed. E ach act, e v e ry th in g w e do— w o rk in g w ith w o o d o r stone, m ak­ in g a m eal or a w o rk o f art, or th in k in g — can be either autom atic or a creation. In m y h abitual state I alw ays p roceed b y repetition. W h e n I have to produce som eth in g, the first th in g I do is co llect m y m em ories on the subject. T h e n I put tog eth er all m y exp erien ce and all m y k n o w l­ edge, and g o forw ard . M y head applies itself, m y b o d y fo llo w s, and at tim es I am interested. But all this is m erely autom atic, and so m eth in g in m e k n o w s it. T h e re is n o n eed for the action to b e p erfo rm ed in one p articu lar w a y or another, and I can do it at a tem po that pleases m e. I m ay succeed in d oin g so m eth in g w e ll, bu t this has n o p o w e r to ch an ge m e. It contains no p o w er o f action, o f creation. T h e situation is co m p letely d ifferen t w h e n m y actio n is n o t a rep ­ etition but so m eth in g new, an action that can o n ly take place in the present m om en t to respond to a need I reco g n ize righ t now. T h en there is o n ly one possible speed, and no o th er tem p o can replace it. In a creative action, this com es fro m a life force that is irresistible, reco g­ n ized as a tru th I obey. A n d it is this force that sees w h a t has to be done and directs m y th ou gh t and body. It creates an act and an object, w h ich contains a d yn am ism and in telligen ce that are irresistible. T h e w o rd m ust b e said, the sound em itted. In order to act in this w ay, I need to be free, w ith o u t any im age or idea, w ith o u t th ou gh t trapped in m em ory. Freedom is not freed om from som eth in g, but freed o m to be in the present, in a m om en t that never existed before. A ctio n is im m ed iate, w ith o u t the in terven tio n o f thought. I n ever kn o w ; I learn. It is alw ays new. In order to learn, I m ust have freed om to look. T h e th in k in g is silent, en tirely silent, free. It sees. In this state, w e can understand and ca rry o ut an action w ith all

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the parts o f ourselves. W e can even act to g eth er w ith others, provided that, in this m om en t, all have the sam e seriousness and intensity. A n action depends on the w a y m y en erg y is en gaged at the very m om en t I act. I have to be conscious o f this at the m om en t o f action and feel the m ovem en t o f the en ergy g o in g tow ard its goal. O n ce the m ove­ m ent has b eg u n , it is to o late to intervene. W h a t has been launched no lon ger belongs to m e. N o th in g can stop it fro m g iv in g the results that w ill fo llo w — w h eth er g o o d o r bad, stron g or w e ak , pure or distorted. E ve ry th in g is thus determ ined b y the disposition o f m y different cen­ ters at the m om en t o f the action. Each act requires a certain freedom o f m y body, a one-pointedness o f m y th ought, and an interest, a w arm th for w h at is bein g done. T h is w ill b rin g m e a n e w w a y o f living.

131. Effective through being L et us try to understan d a state o f creation. T h is is a state in w h ich w e k n o w what is— not w h a t cou ld be or w h a t should be, not so m eth in g on w h ich w e pu t a n am e . . . bu t sim ply what is. C a n w e k n o w a state that does n o t reinforce o u r ego? Because ev­ e ry th in g that reinforces the eg o brings division, isolation. T h is in ­ cludes all the experiences w e have, all the experiences w e g o th rou gh , on w h ich w e put a nam e. W e register im pressions and react to w h a t w e see and feel. A n d it is this process o f reactin g that is the experience th ro u g h w h ich w e go. W e put a nam e on the reaction. Indeed, i f w e do not n am e it, for us it is n o t an experience. But is it possible to receive the im pression and not have the experience, to be in a state o f “nonex­ p erien ce” ? For it is o n ly then, w h e n w e are com pletely im m obile and th e eg o is absent, th at creation can take place. In try in g to perfo rm any action effectively, I d istin gu ish tw o kinds o f sensation— on e w ith tension in w h ic h the en erg y is stopped, and another w ith o u t tension in w h ic h the e n erg y is liberated. In w o rk in g , I can try, as I u su a lly do, to succeed b y a ch iev in g m ore and doin g bet­ ter, or I can try in an oth er w ay, b e c o m in g effective th ro u gh m y being. W h e n I u n d ertake so m eth in g u n fam iliar, an o bject or aim to be

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achieved, there is tension. M y o rd in a ry “ I” b o th w ish es to succeed and feels incapable. I am separate, and I w a n t at all costs for m y identity to be reco gn ized . M y eg o is in the w ay. T h e tension p revents m e fro m righ tly ca rry in g out w h a t I have to do. I need to see this. T h e level o f tension determ ines w h eth er I can be consciou s o f m y b e in g and o f the object o f the action. In e n ga gin g in an action, w h a t I am seek in g is not to p erfect m y p erform ance but to b ecom e effective th ro u g h m y bein g. T h e tru e rela­ tio n b e tw e e n m y b ein g and the aim depends on ca rry in g ou t the action w ith o u t the participation o f the ego. T o d isco ver this has g reat im p o r­ tance. T h e n I need to find a fee lin g o f u n ity th at is not d estroyed b y the agitation o f m y ego. I have to com e to the p o in t w h ere there is no m ore tension, no separation b e tw e e n m e and the aim , w h ere m y eg o no lon ­ ger w an ts to be reco gn ized . I can n ot com e to total im m o bility, a state w ith o u t ego, a state o f "nonexperien ce,” b y fo rcin g . . . nor b y fear, nor in order to obtain a rew ard. I need to k n o w the fu n ctio n in g o f the “I” on e v e ry level, fro m its autom atic m o v em en t to its deepest intelligence. I have to see that w h eth er the th in k in g tu rn s arou nd in the cage it has co n stru cted or becom es com pletely still, in either case, the m in d has n o p o w e r to cre­ ate. A n d w h en the m in d is n o t try in g to create, there can be creation. But this is not so m eth in g w e can k n o w in advance. N o belief, no kn o w led ge, no experience can help. A ll o f th at has to disappear, to be abandoned. It is im p ortan t to b e p o o r— p o o r in k n o w led ge , p o o r in beliefs . . . p o or in e v e ry th in g that is in the realm o f the ego. But I w ill let this all go o n ly i f I k n o w it, i f I see the process o f this fu n ctio n in g in its entirety. I have to stay here w h ere m y thoughts, m y feelin gs and m y actions are revealed, co n stan tly on w a tch m om en t b y m om en t, pas­ sive, lucid . . . im m obile.

132. Something entirely new A creation is the appearance o f so m eth in g en tirely new . It is n o t a p ro ­ jectio n o f w h a t already exists, co m in g fro m m em ory, not a repetition

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o f so m eth in g k n o w n . C reatio n o n ly appears in fron t o f the u n k n o w n . It is d ifficu lt, h ow ever, to act fro m the u n k n o w n , to accept not k n o w ­ ing. It seem s that I am deprived o f the capacity to “ do,” that is, to prove that m y o rd in a ry "I” is so m eth in g im portan t, superior to others. I seek to distract m y s e lf fro m this fee lin g o f not kn o w in g. I search m y m e m o ry for so m eth in g that helps m e understand. But w h en I can n o lon ger escape not k n o w in g , w h en I face this fact as it is and no lon ger try to g iv e it a m ea n in g that suits m e, then I am no lon ger sepa­ rated in m y o rd in a ry “ I,” and so m eth in g n e w is created. T h is fact is truth, and tru th can n ot b e translated. A relation appears, and this rela­ tio n is an act o f creation. In the face o f w h a t is u n k n o w n , w h a t is not u n d erstood , m y m in d b eco m es silent, and in this silence I discover w h a t is true. In the v e ry act o f seeing, there is an act o f creation. T o see w ith o u t th o u g h t is the d isco very o f reality. U nder th e law s, a real action is d eterm in ed b y tw o poles: the void fro m w h ich it com es, and the en erg y and freed o m o f its m ovem ent. In an act o f creation, the m o v em en t o f in terio rizin g precedes the m o v e­ m ent o f exterio rizatio n . In order for the m o v em en t in w ard to proceed, there m ust be a place that is free and felt lik e a “vo id ”— void o f m y ego. H ere is a w o rld o f fin er vibrations, w h ich can be penetrated th ro u gh sensation. Sensation is the p erception o f these vibrations. I feel the fin e­ ness o f this sensation in a state o f im m o b ility w h ere there is no tension in m y body, and I feel the fineness o f the psych e w h e n the th ou gh t b e­ com es passive, sim ply a w itn ess th at registers w h a t happens. A t this m om en t a certain sensation o f ex istin g appears, a p otential life w ith o u t m ovem en t. If this sensation is perceived for even a fraction o f a second, it is en ou gh to k n o w w h a t happens at the m om en t w h en the “im m o ­ bile” b ecom es "m obile,” that is, at the first spon taneous vibration. T h is p e rv a d in g sensation o f ex istin g has its o w n taste and brin gs a certain ty that erases all doubt. It is the im p erative retu rn fro m n o n bein g tow ard Being. T h e incon ceivable is alive . . . u n til th e m om en t I realize this and, out o f fear o f losin g it, I g iv e it a n a m e and a form , and the sensa­ tion fades away. In o rd in a ry life w e can assem ble and co n stru ct w ith elem ents o f

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the k n o w n . But in order to create, it is n ecessary to b e liberated b y vo lu n tary death, the death o f the ego. C rea tiv e visio n o n ly belongs to one w h o dares to lo o k into the depths o f h im s e lf as far as the void, a m atrix created b y the constan t m o v em en t o f in terio rizin g and m an i­ festing, in w h ich one is face-to-face w ith oneself. W e are the calm cen ­ ter o f the w h irlw in d o f life, and the inn er life is the o n ly goo d . T h en e v e ry th in g is done w ith o u t attach m ent, as th o u g h w e h ave n o th in g to do, liv in g w h erev er it is necessary. T h in g s arise b y th em selves b rou gh t b y the cu rren t o f life. W h e n w e have a th in k in g that is tru ly free, w e can face life in a n e w w ay, in clu d in g ch allen ges lik e disease and p overty. Instead o f ap­ p roach in g issues as separate fro m the to ta lity o f existence, w e can see th em as particu lar aspects o f the w h ole. I f I understan d the to ta lity o f existence in a co n n ected w orld , I w ill see that in order to transform th in gs outside m e, I have to tran sform m yself. A s I approach a better qu ality in m yself, I w ish to participate in so m eth in g h igh er in this one w orld. T h e n I can accept as a fact this life in w h ich I find m yself, vo lu n ­ tarily assum in g the role g iv en to m e w ith in it. I understand m y p art in the stru ggle w ith in the to ta lity o f existence.

A N A T T I T U D E OF V I G I L A N C E

133. Meditation is not contemplation For thousands o f years the h u m an brain has been conditioned to act fro m the cen ter to the p eriph ery and fro m the p eriph ery to the center b y a continu ous m ovem en t, g o in g ou t and co m in g back. H o w could this m o v em en t ever stop? I f it ceases, an e n erg y w ill appear that is w ith o u t lim it, w ith o u t cause, w ith o u t b e g in n in g or end. To com e to this, it is first n ecessary to m ake order— to clean house— a task that requires com plete attention. T h e b o d y m ust b ecom e v e ry sensitive and the m in d co m p letely em pty, w ith o u t a n y desire. U nderstan din g com es not b y an effort to acquire or b ecom e, but o n ly w h e n the spirit is still. O u r tru e nature, an u n k n o w n that can n ot be nam ed because it has no form , can be sensed in the stop b e tw e e n tw o th ou gh ts or tw o p er­ ceptions. T h ese m om en ts o f stop con stitu te an o p en in g to a Presence that is w ith o u t end, eternal. O rd in a rily w e can n ot believe in this b e ­ cause w e th in k a n y th in g w ith o u t form is n o t real. So w e let pass the p o ssib ility o f exp erien cin g Being. O u r fear o f b ein g n o th in g is w h a t pushes us to fill the void, to w ish to acqu ire or becom e. A n d this fear, consciou s o r not, leads to the de­ stru ctio n o f o u r po ssibility to be. W e can n ot g et rid o f it b y an act o f w ill o r b y any effort to free ourselves. O p p o sin g one desire w ith another can o n ly en gen der resistance, and u n d erstan d in g w ill not com e from

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resistance. W e can be liberated fro m this fear o n ly b y vig ila n ce, by b eco m in g conscious o f it. W e m ust see clearly th ro u g h th e contradic­ to ry desires w ith w h ich w e live. It is not a question o f co n cen tratin g on a single desire, but o f freein g o n e se lf fro m the co n flict en gen dered by avidity. W ith the dissolution o f this co n flict com es tran q uillity. R eality can appear. T h e h igh est form o f intelligen ce is m editation, an intense vig ila n ce that liberates the m in d fro m its reactions, and this alone, w ith o u t any w illfu l interven tion, produces a state o f tranquillity. T h is requires an extrao rd in ary energy, w h ich can o n ly appear w h en there is no con flict in us, w h en all ideals have co m p letely disappeared, all belief, h ope and fear. T h en it is not contem plation that arises, but a state o f attention in w h ich there is no lon ger a sense o f "I,” so m eo n e present to participate in the experience, to id en tify w ith it. So there is no experience. U nder­ standing this at the deepest level is im p ortan t for on e w h o w ish es to k n o w w h at tru th is, w h a t G o d is, w h a t is b eyo n d the co n stru ction s o f the h u m an m ind. In this state o f vig ila n ce, I do n o th in g , but I am present. T h e m ind is in a state o f atten tion in w h ich there is lucidity, a clear observation w ith o u t choice o f all that one th in ks, all that one feels, all that one does. T h e m ind concentrates w ith o u t boundaries. T h is state creates tranquillity, and w h en the m in d is p erfectly quiet, w ith o u t any illu ­ sions, "so m eth in g” com es into existence, not co n stru cted b y the m ind, that cann ot be expressed in w ords.

134. Opening withoutfear T h e m ind is m y in stru m en t o f k n o w led ge , but it w ill not k n o w tru th b y som e m eth od or discipline, b y suppressing or adding, or b y ch a n g ­ ing. A ll it can do is be quiet, w ith o u t any inten tion, n o t ev en to receive truth. T h is is so d ifficu lt becau se I alw ays b elieve that I can experience reality b y d oin g certain things. Yet all that m atters is that m y m ind be free, w ith o u t barriers, w ith o u t cond itionin g. I n eed a state o f extrem e vigilance, ask in g n oth in g, ex p e c tin g n o th in g , liv in g the m om en t itself.

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T h is vig ila n ce is the prop er a ctiv ity o f the m ind, its p ow er. W e call it attention. In this state I b ecom e pure attention. T h e n tru th can be re­ ve aled to me. H o w do w e understand the tea ch in g o f Gurdjieff? O u r existen ce depends o n the state o f b e in g in w h ich w e live, in w h ich o u r entire life is cond itioned and d irected b y certain influences. W e are subjugated, prisoners o f a certain fo rm o f th in k in g , feelin g and acting. W h e n w e rea lize th e lim itation s o f this state, w e feel the need for change. W e co m e to the first tru e in n er question: Is ch an ge o f bein g possible? T h is in itial discern m en t b e tw e e n the tru e and the false itself signifies a ch an ge in consciousness. T h e possibility o f conscious effort is b ro u g h t b y self-observation. T h is involves a n e w attitude to w ard m y s e lf and requires a n e w relation b e tw e en m y d ifferent centers, a n e w in n er form . I can n ot observe m y­ se lf w ith o u t rem em b erin g m yself. In on e state I can observe, in an­ oth er I cannot. If I have the sin cerity to accept not k n o w in g, I can observe. But i f I am fo o led b y the lie in sayin g “ I,” I cannot. If I loo k w ith an idea o f m yself, m y th ou gh ts and em otions revo lve around this illusion o f "I.” T h is prevents m y aw areness fro m exp an d in g to con­ sciousness o f m y w h o le being. W h a t ca n ch a n g e in m e is th e aw aren ess o f m yself, and self­ o b servation o n ly brings results i f it is related to the aim o f conscious­ ness. I need to see m y s e lf liv in g , see all o f m yself. T h is requires a certain freed o m in w h ic h I b e g in to feel o th er u n k n o w n elem ents o f m y b ein g as m ore real. T h e search is for a n e w order, a n e w state o f Being, in w h ich the b o d y and its attributes, m y fu n ctions, are subject to a h igh er force that anim ates them . It calls for a stru ggle b etw e e n the "yes” and the “no,” and requ ires the appearance o f w ill. T h is can p ro ­ duce a second body, an in n er fo rm that w ill g iv e a n e w fo rm to m y life. Som etim es o u r w o r k g o es better, so m etim es less w ell. W e do not understan d w h a t happens in us. W e w a n t so m eth in g to take place, and w e believe it w ill be the result o f o u r efforts. W e believe w e m ust force a passage to w ard bein g. B ut it is ju st the opposite. B ein g is alw ays w o rk in g in us, try in g to b reak th ro u g h the hard cru st o f o u r ego into

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the light o f consciousness. T h e prim ordial im p etu s an im atin g h u m an w ill is the strivin g o f b e in g tow ard this light. T h u s it is not o u r efforts that produce the experien ce o f b ein g. T h e y sim ply prepare the w ay. T h e experience is not o f o u r doing, but a revelation o f what is. If w e repeat u n ceasin gly o u r efforts— and th ey need to be repeated— it is to learn to let the reality o f B ein g em erge. W e w ish to try to open w ith o u t fear, to open not once or tw ice but constantly, until w e becom e conscious o f the p o w er o f the eg o w h ich separates us from life. W e undertake this adventure o f o p en in g in order to k n o w all the signs b y w h ich B ein g m akes itse lf felt. W e learn not to lo o k at ourselves as the m easure o f all th in gs and as the m aster o f our lives. W e b egin to feel that w e participate in a great unity, a great W h ole.

135. Watchfulness is our real aim W e cann ot ch an ge o u r physical, organ ic stru ctu re. W e are conditioned in o u r m ovem en ts and attitudes. O u r fee lin g and th in k in g are also conditioned. In effect, w e find o urselves im prison ed in a n a rro w circle b y o u r conditioning. T h e o n ly th in g that cou ld ch an ge this total lack o f freed om is the act o f seeing. T h is is the possib ility o f consciousness. I can see m y s e lf w ith m y eyes, and I can see m y s e lf w ith an inn er look. T h e po ssibility o f b e c o m in g conscious, o f k n o w in g w h a t I am, depends on the in n er lo o k I learn to d iscover in m yself. T h is lo o k b e ­ longs to a n ew form , an inn er b o d y that needs to enter into relation w ith m y physical body. It is o n ly w h e n this lo o k is present, w h e n m y autom atism is und er its light, that a relation can b e established. A n d it is o n ly th ro u gh this relation, w h ich appears and disappears, that I learn w h a t I am . T h is is no blin d subm ission, but a conscious g iv in g . T h ere is bo th a seeing w ith o u t g e ttin g lost and a lettin g go, a w ith d ra w a l w ith o u t refusal, w ith o u t hardening. T h is requ ires an attention that is as total as possible and, for this attention to appear, a v e ry g reat tran ­ quillity. Yet w e have to rem em b er that w e can n ot be w ith o u t relation; w e alw ays o b ey a relation. Either w e are related to so m eth in g h igh er or w e are taken b y the low er. It is a stru gg le o f forces.

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I w ish to k n o w m y s e lf as a w h o le. So I try to lo o k in m y se lf and to be w a tch fu l. W a tch fu ln ess is o u r real aim . If w e w o rk alone or togeth er w ith o u t in n er w atch fu ln ess, it is o f no u se— w e w ill be taken b y one th in g or another. I have to be w a tch fu l w ith an intense effort, because e v e ry th in g depends on this. A t the sam e tim e, I w ish to g o tow ard life and, in so doing, to lose m yself. Yes, I w is h to lose m yself. But I do not k n o w w h a t it m eans. I alw ays th in k that it is som e ev il identification that takes m e, this a w fu l life that takes m e. But it is not true. I g o to ­ w a rd it. T h ere is so m eth in g I lik e in it. Yet I do not k n o w why. A n d I have to see that this is an essential qu estion — it is me after all, not so m eth in g outside. So, above all, I need th is w atch fu ln ess, this w a y o f b e in g here all the tim e. W h e n I am really able to rem ain in this atti­ tude, I w ill b ecom e an other being. H o w can I live this o p en in g to the one reality and at the sam e tim e be in fron t o f life and live m y life? W h a t is essential is this m ovem en t o f o p en in g to the fact o f bein g, o f existin g, w ith o u t w h ich there w ill be no aw aken in g. T h e obstacle is that m y m in d is occupied all the tim e. It is not en o u g h to notice th is once and for all. I have to live it as m y tru th u ntil all m y th ou ghts, em otion s and actions can be held under m y at­ tention w ith o u t ex clu d in g or co n d em n in g a n yth in g. For this I need a certain in n er space and an attention that is free. It is o n ly in a state o f free atten tion that tru e seein g can appear. T h e continu al visio n o f w h a t takes place in us is the b e g in n in g o f a crystallization, the form ation o f so m eth in g indivisible, individual. T h e clearer the vision, the m ore alive the im pression, and the greater the tra n sfo rm a tio n o f o u r th o u g h t and feelin g. W h e n th ey are related, th e th in k in g is lu cid and th e fe e lin g is clear and subtle. T h e n w e can b e open and en tirely u nd er the action o f a h igh er force. It is necessary to feel rem orse o f conscience, a fee lin g that illu m in ates, that brings v i­ sion o f the lack. It is o n ly w ith this fe e lin g o f rem orse that w e b eg in to see clearly. Lucidity, o bservation that takes place across an inn er space, dis­ solves all fo rm s o f cond itionin g. T o be lucid is to be conscious o f the w a y w e w a lk , w e sit, w e use o u r hands, and to listen to the w a y w e

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speak and the w o rd s w e use. It is to o b serve all o u r th ou gh ts, em otions and reactions in a state o f attention that is clear and w h o le, that has no lim its. L u cid ity is b e in g totally conscious o f oneself.

136. A lookfrom Above A n attitude o f vig ila n ce leads us in the d irectio n o f a m ore o bjective life. It is d ifficu lt to accept the idea o f h a v in g b o th an o b jective life and, at the sam e tim e, a personal life— that is, to be subjective, to let o n e se lf live a personal life. It is ev en m ore d ifficu lt to accept that, in a sense, w e have to pay w ith o u r person al life. O f course, w e can n ot be o th erw ise than personal— subjective, w ith o u r o w n body, o u r likes and dislikes, o u r personal feelings. T h is su bjective life w ill alw ays rem ain. Yet I m ust k n o w it, I m ust experien ce it. M y su bjective life is w h a t I am , it is m e. A t the sam e tim e, there is so m eth in g in m e that enables m e to be objective in relation to it. If I am also to open to w h a t is higher, m y subjective life m ust be put in its place, som etim es g iv en m ore, so m e­ tim es less. I can n ot have n e w stren g th on top o f all m y w eakn ess. I can never com e to qu ietud e i f I do not sacrifice m y agitation and m y ten­ sions. I cann ot have a free atten tion i f I do n o t sacrifice w h a t keeps it enslaved. E ve ry th in g I w is h has to b e paid for. I f I w ish to have a n e w state, I m ust sacrifice the old. W e n ever g et m ore th an w e g iv e up. W h a t w e receive is p rop ortio n al to w h a t w e sacrifice. T o live a m ore objective life w o u ld requ ire an objective th ou g h t— a lo o k fro m A b o ve that is free, that can see. W ith o u t this lo o k upon m e, seeing m e, m y life is that o f a blind m an d riven b y im pulse w ith o u t k n o w in g w h y or how . W ith o u t this lo o k u pon m e, I can n ot k n o w that I exist. I have the p o w er to rise above m y s e lf and to see m y s e lf freely . . . to be seen. M y th ou gh t has the p o w e r to be free. But for this it m u st rid itself o f all the associations that hold it captive, passive. It m u st cu t the threads that bind it to the w o rld o f im ages, o f form s. It m ust free itself fro m the co n stan t attractio n o f th e fee lin g. It m u st feel its p o w e r to resist this attraction, to see it w h ile g ra d u a lly rising above it. In this

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m ovem en t, the th o u g h t b ecom es active. It becom es active in p u rifyin g itself, and acquires an aim , a u n iqu e aim : to th in k "I,” to realize who I am, to enter into this m ystery. T h is lo o k fro m A b o ve bo th situates m e and liberates m e. In the clearest m om en ts o f self-awareness, a state is g iv en in w h ich I am k n o w n . I feel the blessing o f this lo o k that com es d o w n to em brace m e. I feel m y s e lf u nd er its radiance. Each tim e I rem em ber, the first step is the reco gn itio n o f a lack. I feel the need for an active th ou gh t, a free th o u g h t tu rn ed tow ard m y­ self, so that I m igh t b ecom e tru ly consciou s o f m y existence. So m y stru gg le is a stru gg le against the p assivity o f m y o rd in a ry th ough t, a stru gg le to let g o o f the illu sion o f m y o rd in a ry "I.” W ith o u t this stru g­ gle, a greater consciousness w ill not be born . W ith o u t this effort, m y th in k in g w ill fall b a ck into a sleep filled w ith v a g u e and d riftin g th ou ghts, w ords, im ages and dream s, the th ou g h t o f a m an w ith ou t intelligence. It is terrible to realize su d denly that one has been liv in g w ith o u t o n e’s o w n independent th ou gh t, liv in g w ith o u t intelligence, w ith o u t a n y th in g that sees w h a t is real, and therefore w ith o u t any rela­ tion w ith the w o rld A b o ve. T h e n I m ay understan d that it is in m y es­ sence that I rejoin the one w h o sees. T h is free and im partial th ou gh t, w h ich sees and kn o w s, belongs to w h a t G u rd jie ff called “ in d ivid ual.” U n lik e fee lin g and sensation, w h ich are g iv en b y N atu re, its fo rm atio n requ ires v o lu n tary efforts tow ard consciousness. It is the seat o f w ill. W ith its separation from the body, w h ich this th o u g h t sees as m erely an e m p ty container, there com es freed om , d etachm ent. A n d th ro u g h this detach m en t, w e jo in the sen­ sation o f eternity.

A N E W W A T OF B E I N G

137. I must live the lack o f relation In w o rk in g in the quiet, w e can have the sensation that there is a real Presence in us, so m eth in g that is here, that really exists. It is here all the tim e even th o u g h w e are not in tou ch w ith it. W e do not have the attention that is required. For there to be contact w ith this Presence, ou r attention m ust have the sam e subtle quality. A n d it m u st b e active, not the passive attention w e have for o u r o rd in a ry life. In m y u sual state there is no contact because w h en ev er I m an ifest, m y atten tion is taken b y m y fu n ctio n in g. T h e en erg y is ch aotically and b lin d ly taken, I k n o w not for w hat. T h e re is n o b o d y here to k n o w h o w m y force is m anifested. T h is Presence in m e can n ot m an ifest. It has n o th in g, no specific prop erties in itself, no m aterial w ith w h ich it co u ld m anifest. It is not educated. T h is Presence is lik e a n e w b o rn ch ild w h o does not k n o w h o w to w a lk , to eat or to do a n y th in g b y him self. It needs to g r o w b y receivin g im pressions that are deposited in a n e w place in m e. W ith o u t im pressions o f this Presence, I w ill n ever feel a need to retu rn to it, and it w ill n ever have its o w n life or be able to m an ifest. So, first, I m ust really search to experience this P resence in m y s e lf and not g o away, not forget all the tim e. W h e n all m y force is taken outside, the relation

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is cut, as i f it did not exist. I n eed a capacity that I do not yet know , an atten tion o f a n e w kind, w ith o u t w h ich I w ill n ever be related. In order to feel the need for this P resence, I have to see again and again h o w I am taken in one o r an other p art o f m y s e lf and that m y centers are not related. I m u st understand h o w th ey could be related and h o w the relation com es about. It can n ot be forced. I need to u nd er­ stand th eir d ifferent lives, their d ifferent needs. E ach center has a dif­ ferent attention w h o se force and duration depend on the m aterial th ey h ave received. T h e part that has received m ore m aterial w ill h ave m ore attention. T h e n o n existent relation b etw e en the centers is the m ost im p ortan t th in g to live. I m ust n o t b e satisfied w ith b rie f m om en ts w h en som e relation is possible, but a ctu a lly live the lack, live the inca­ p acity and the resistance. C an I say tod ay th at m y b o d y and m y feelin g are as touch ed b y the W o rk as m y th o u g h t is? I am interested b y ideas that m y b o d y does not live and in fro n t o f w h ich m y fee lin g is indifferent. I w ish for a change o f bein g, a ch an ge in the state o f m y Presence. T h e th ou gh t can change easily, bu t n o t the b o d y o r th e feelin g. Yet, as G u rd jie ff said, the p o w er o f tran sform ation is not in the th ou ght. It is in the b o d y and the feeling. A n d o u r b o d y and fee lin g experien ce no dem an d so lon g as th ey are contented. T h e y live o n ly in the present m om en t, and their m e m o ry is short. U ntil now , the greatest part o f o u r w ish , o f o u r efforts, has com e fro m the th ou gh t. T h e th o u g h t w ish es to obtain, to ch an ge som ething. But w h a t has to ch an ge is the state o f the feelin g. T h e w ish m ust com e fro m the feelin g, and th e p o w e r to d o — th e capacity— m ust com e from the body. W ith m y th ou g h t I rem em b er that I w is h to be present. M y th ou gh t has conclu d ed that this w o u ld b e u sefu l and n ecessary for all the cen­ ters, that I should do e v e ry th in g I can to interest and convince the oth er centers. But it m ust be u n d erstoo d that the greatest part o f our “I” is not interested in self-rem em bering. T h e oth er centers do not even su spect the existen ce in th e th ou g h t o f a w is h to w o rk in this di­ rection. It is th erefore n ecessary to try to put th em into contact w ith

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this desire. If th ey can feel a w ish to g o in th is d irection, h a lf o f the w o rk w ill have been accom plished.

138. Conscience It seem s that so m eth in g is m issin g in o u r w o rk , so m eth in g that de­ m ands m ore on o u r part from us. W e need a dem an d that w o u ld com e n ot fro m constraint, fro m a sense o f o bligation , bu t fro m o u r o w n u n ­ derstanding. T h is w o u ld b rin g discipline to all the parts o f ourselves solely th ro u gh understanding, th ro u gh the w a y o f understanding. Since w e entered the W ork, w e have k n o w n the idea o f self-rem em bering, and w e have tried to rem em b er ourselves. W e h ave accepted this idea. It has a certain place in o u r lives, esp ecia lly in o u r th in k in g . Yet it has rem ained o n ly an idea. It is not alive, it does n o t apply to o u r w h o le life. W e do not live th e teach in g. T h e d ifferen t parts o f ou rselves are not p ro fo u n d ly tou ch ed b y th is idea. T h e y re m a in u n en ga g ed , u nconcerned. O u r body, for exam ple, is not tru ly in volved in self-rem em bering. I alw ays ign ore the exp erien ce o f m y b o d y on the earth, b e lo n g in g to the earth, and g o o ff into sp ecu lation s or em otion s that deprive m e o f all possibility o f b ein g unified , o f b ein g w hole. T h is can be seen at each instant. Either m y en erg y is co ncentrated in m y th o u g h t— in ju d g in g , approving, d isapprovin g, lo o k in g for argu m en ts . . . or I am taken by m y em otion al reactions— in opposing, b ein g afraid, en v y in g , w ish in g to dom inate. In ev ery case, m y b o d y is isolated, apart. It tries to safe­ gu ard its appetites, all the tim e p a yin g dearly for the dem ands o f the oth er parts. H ere there is no B eing, o n ly parts o f Being. W h e n I feel a P resence in m e, m y b o d y b ecom es secondary, fades aw ay as i f it did not exist, because I re co g n ize a life— -som eth ing a l i v e co m in g from a m u ch h igh er level than m y body. I p erceive this Pres­ ence as a w hole, w h ich has its o w n existen ce and w h ich , in a certain w ay, does not need m y body. A t the sam e tim e, this life is the life o f m y body. T h is real life is active and, in su bm ittin g, m y b o d y is passive.

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T h is P resence cou ld m ake it act, speak, listen, i f m y fu n ctio n s w ere available, i f a co n n ectio n w e re established b etw e en this life and m y body. For exam ple, i f I w e re to raise an arm , I feel that this Presence cou ld p erfectly w e ll raise it. In an im atin g this body, this Presence w o u ld em brace all m y fu n ctio n in g u nd er its lo o k and choose the ac­ tio n necessary to accom plish w h a t has to be done. W h e n I see this, I understan d that b ein g co n n ected w ith this Presence is tru ly m y w ork, the m ea n in g o f m y life. A t the sam e tim e, I n eed m y b o d y in order to act, to respond to the sense o f m y P resence here. W ith o u t m y body, the P resence cann ot be d eterm in ed and defined, nor can it create a certain life on the earth. W ith o u t m y P resence, the b o d y is o n ly an anim al, obliged to eat, sleep, d estroy and reproduce. A close relation b e tw e e n them , a kind o f co m ­ m u n ion , is n ecessary so that fro m th is co op eration an u n k n o w n m o v e­ m en t can appear, creatin g a n e w force, a n e w life. T h en I feel the dem and to m ain tain the relation, to avoid a separation that leads to bestial a vid ity or d isem bodied dream s. For exam ple, the b o d y b elo n g­ in g to the earth w a n ts to eat and h u ngers for cakes set on a plate. It w a n ts one, tw o , a n u m b er o f them . T h e question is not w h eth er to re­ fuse the b o d y the right to take w h a t it w an ts. It is h o w m an y it can eat w ith o u t im p airin g the relation w ith the Presence. Perhaps one, p er­ haps tw o , perhaps o n ly h a lf a cake. W h e n the P resence and the b o d y are togeth er, there is unity, w ith a n e w visio n that sees the w h o le, a liv in g w h o le. In the absolute silence, I can feel “I A m ." P art o f m y attention is tu rn ed tow ard a level beyond m y fu n ctio n s and, at the sam e tim e, I fu n ctio n and am related to all the fu n ctio n in g o f life arou nd m e. I f I do not m ain tain the attention at this depth w h ere the en erg y is en tirely free, I w ill be unable to see, to u n ­ derstand. I w ill be unable to act freely. I w ill be m erely acted upon b y forces fro m outside. It is here that conscience needs to appear. T h en the w o rk is to be as atten tive as possible, as "one” as possible, and at the sam e tim e to act— that is, to b e on tw o levels at the sam e tim e. C o n ­ science aw akens not b y referrin g to a pattern, a concept, but in a w a y th at is independent, individual. T h is has n o th in g in co m m o n w ith

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w h at u n til n o w w e have b elieved conscience to be. In the effort to situ­ ate m y s e lf b etw e en forces in m e, a tru e em o tio n appears— the em otion o f being.

139. Living two lives O n e should th in k seriously b efore d ecid in g on the definite g o a l o f b e ­ co m in g conscious and d evelo p in g a relation w ith the h igh er centers. T h is w o rk does not adm it com prom ise and requ ires stron g discipline. O n e m ust be read y to o b ey laws. I can th o ro u g h ly stu d y the system o f ideas, bu t i f I do n o t realize m y m echanicaln ess and m y pow erlessness, this w ill not lead m e ve ry far. C ond itions can ch an ge and I can lose all possibility. T h e th in k in g m ust not rem ain lazy. I have to understan d th e necessity o f in tro d u c­ in g the principles o f w o rk into m y personal life. I ca n n o t accept that one part o f m y s e lf is m ech an ical and at the sam e tim e h ope th at an­ other part is g o in g to be conscious. I need to live the tea ch in g w ith all o f m yself. It is absolutely n ecessary to h ave a co n tin u al sensation, a constant relation b etw e en the m in d and th e body. O th erw ise , I am taken b y the autom atism . T h is relation depends on a volun tary, active attention. W h e n the relation is strong, there is a cu rren t o f h igh er en erg y that passes th ro u gh the head. T h e attention m ust be en gaged vo lu n tarily in m ain tain in g the relation b e tw e e n th e en ergies o f th e centers. W e see that o u r centers have to b e in accord, and that to do a n y th in g togeth er th ey have to subm it to a co m m o n m aster. But it is d ifficu lt for th em to subm it because w ith a m aster each one cou ld no lon ger do w h a t it pleases. Yet, w h e n there is no m aster, there is n o s o u l . . . neith er soul nor w ill. In order for the relation not to be lost, I need to m ain tain a co l­ lected state all the tim e. For this, I have to g o against m y o w n subjec­ tiv ity in d aily life. For exam ple, I can do the opposite o f m y habits. W h a t I u su a lly take w ith the righ t hand, I take w ith the left. In sittin g at the table, I do not sit in m y u su al w ay. A ll the tim e, I g o against

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m yself. I th in k o f this relation often d u rin g the day, rem em b erin g that I w ish to keep m y attention, not lose it. I w ish to keep it in m yself, for m yself, consciously. W h a t is im p ortan t in o u r w o rk is inn er struggle. W ith o u t it, tim e w ill pass and n o ch an ge w ill appear. W e m ust learn inside not to identify, and outside to play a role. O n e helps the other. W h ile I do this, I id en tify w ith n othin g. W ith o u t b ein g stron g outside, it is im possible to be stron g inside. W ith o u t b e in g stron g inside, it is not possible to be stron g outside. T h e stru gg le m ust be real. T h e m ore d ifficu lt the stru gg le is, the m ore it is w o rth . P layin g a role requ ires atten d in g to w h a t takes place around m e and at the sam e tim e to w h a t takes place w ith in m e. T w o kinds o f events, each o f a d ifferen t order— tw o lives, on e w ith in the other. H o w I live these tw o lives sh ow s the extent o f m y p o w e r to be. A s lon g as I can n ot play a role in th is w ay, there are attem pts, m om en ts o f m ore intensity, bu t no pow er. A role is a kin d o f cross on w h ich one m ust be nailed in order to be able to be attentive w ith o u t respite. It is like bein g in a fixed fram e or m old that constitutes m y lim it. I have to be con ­ scious o f this lim it, to r e co g n iz e it. I can then be w h a t I am w ith in this fram e. W ith o u t the lim it o f this role, n o concentration o f force is pos­ sible. In this w ay, m y o uter life b ecom es lik e a rite, a service, for m y in n er life. V o lu n ta ry su fferin g is the o n ly a ctive principle in us that can be co n verted in to h ig h e r feelin g. T h is is n ecessa ry for th e creation o f the secon d body. In th e stru g g le b e tw e e n tw o octaves, the b o d y has to refu se its au to m atism in ord er to su bm it to the action o f the higher. T h r o u g h th e e ffo rt to stay in fro n t, the e n e rg y inten sifies and an ac­ tiv e fo rce appears th at m ak es th e passive fo rce obey. T h is e n erg y m u st b e m ain ta in ed in th e face o f all th e situ ation s o f life. It is n eces­ sa ry to co m e to a certain state a gain and again, to m ake an effort consciously, a gain and again, u n til so m eth in g has b ee n fo rm ed that has its o w n life. A fte rw a rd , it w ill be in d estru ctib le. W e w o rk for to ­ m o rro w , fo r th e fu tu re. W e su ffer co n scio u sly to d a y in order to k n o w real jo y tom o rro w .

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140. T 0 know means to Be T o k n o w o n e se lf is not to lo o k fro m outside bu t to catch o n e se lf in a m om en t o f contact, a m om en t o f fulln ess. In this th ere is no lon ger “I" and "m e,” o r "I” and a P resence in m e— no separation, n o m ore dual­ ity. To k n o w m eans to Be. T h ere is n o ro o m for a n y th in g else. W h e n I com e to u n ity in m yself, I exp erien ce an energy, a force o f an oth er sphere, w h ich allo w s m e to be b o rn to m y b e in g as p art o f a g reat W h o le . I can serve. I serve this force, first b y a n e w attitud e to ­ w a rd it in all the parts o f m yself, and th en b y a v isio n — ever ren ew ed — o f w h a t I am , o f the sense o f m y life in the life o f th e W h o le . T h is vision includes u n d erstan d in g the relation b e tw e e n m y eg o and m y bein g. It opens for m e the w a y to w a rd free m an ifestatio n , and thus a life in the w o rld that is m ore true. It leads to a w ish to ch a n g e m y o r­ d in a ry w a y o f b ein g, to b e responsible to express tru th in m y attitud e and in m y life. M ore and m ore I receive the im pression o f a m ysterio u s force in m e and, at the sam e tim e, I receive im pressions o f the su rrou n d in g w orld to w h ich m y fu n ctio n s respond. Is th ere one life and another life? Or, is it one life, a single life force? In order to have a relation b e ­ tw een w orlds o f finer and coarser m ateriality, there has to b e a cu rren t o f interm ediate inten sity— an em o tio n al cu rren t o f p u rer feelin g. T h e purification o f feelin g, th e creation in o n e s e lf o f “ d ivin e b ein g,” com es th ro u gh vigilance. T h ere can be no p u rity w ith o u t v ig ila n ce, an ex­ trao rd in ary vig ila n ce w h ere th ere is n o lon ger h igh er o r low er, no m ore stru ggle, no m ore fear. T h e re is o n ly consciousness, joy. For this, in all circum stan ces I have to be the w itn ess o f m yself, to w ith d ra w from the m ental fu n ctio n in g that g ives b irth to reactions, and to quiet all am bition, all avidity. T h e n I can see m y s e lf resp o n d in g to life w h ile so m eth in g in m e, so m eth in g im m o b ile, does not respond. W ith this vig ilan ce com es a n e w valu in g. I am tou ch ed b y a w ish , a w ill, that is the v e ry essence o f the feelin g o f “ I” in all its purity. It is a w ill to be w h a t I am , a w a k en in g to m y tru e n a tu re— “ I am ” and “I A m .” W ith

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this consciousness there is love. But this love is im personal, like the sun rad iating energy. It illu m in ates, it creates, it loves. It is attached to n o th in g and yet d raw s e v e ry th in g to it. T h e expansion com es not fro m “ d o in g ” so m eth in g, fro m the ego, but from love. It signifies being and becoming, w ith an attention that is m ore and m ore free. T h is is the liberation that G u rd jieff speaks of. It is the aim o f all schools, all religion s. W ith consciousness, I see what is, and in the experien ce “ I A m ,” I open to the d ivin e, the infinite beyond space and tim e, the h igh er force that religion s call G od. M y bein g is Being. T o be one, w h o le in th e face o f life, is all that m atters. So lo n g as I rem ain co n sciou s o f this, I feel a life w ith in m e and a peace that n o th in g else can give. I am here, alive, and arou nd m e ex­ ists th e en tire u n iverse. T h e life th at is aro u n d m e is in m e. I feel this u n iversal life, th e force o f the u n iverse. A n d I feel m y s e lf ex istin g as p art o f th e w o rld that su rrou n d s m e. H ere e v e ry th in g helps, even the cu sh io n o n w h ic h I sit. I am present, a w a k en ed to w h a t I am . A n d I see th at the m ost im p o rtan t th in g is to be. I k n o w it— n o w — and as I k n o w it, I feel related to e v e ry th in g aro u n d m e. T h e re is no before, no after, o n ly life itself. I have the im pression o f em erg in g fro m a dream . E v e ry th in g is real. I feel free, and at peace. In this state, I do not seek, I do not w ish, I do not exp ect an yth in g. T h e re is o n ly w h a t “ I am ” in this m om ent. I k n o w n o w h o w I am here and w h y I am here.

Biographical Note

George Ivanovitch Gurdjieff G u rd jieff w as bo rn in 1866 in the C au casu s on the frontier o f Russia and Turkey, the son o f a G reek father and A rm e n ia n m other. From ch ild h o od he felt he had to understan d the m ystery o f h u m a n exis­ tence, and delved deeply into relig io n and science to find som e expla­ nation. H e found bo th approaches persuasive and consistent w ith in them selves, but bou nd to reach co n trad ictory conclusions g iv e n the different prem ises from w h ich th ey began. H e b ecam e co n vin ced that neither religion nor science cou ld separately explain the m e a n in g o f m an ’s life and death. A t the sam e tim e, G u rd jieff felt certain that a real and com plete k n o w led ge had existed in ancient tim es, and m ust have been handed d o w n o ra lly fro m gen eration to generation. H e set o ut to find this k n o w led ge o ver a period o f som e tw e n ty years. H is search led h im on expeditions th ro u g h the M iddle East and C en tra l A sia to the m ou n tains o f the H in d u Kush. G u rd jieff ev en tu ally d iscovered elem ents o f a fo rgo tten k n o w l­ edge o f b e in g that reconciled the g reat traditional beliefs. H e called it “ancient science” but did not id en tify its origin , those w h o d iscovered and preserved it. T h is science v ie w e d the w o rld o f visible m atter as m od ern physics does, re co g n iz in g the equ ivalen ce o f m ass and energy, the subjective illusion o f tim e, th e gen eral th e o ry o f relativity. But its

295

Biographical Note

296

in q u iry did not stop there, accepting as real o n ly phenom ena that could be m easu red and proved b y controlled experim ent. T h is science also explored the m ystic's w o rld outside sense perception, the vision o f an­ o th er reality, infin ite beyo n d space and tim e. T h e aim w as to u nd er­ stand the place o f m an in the cosm ic order, the m ea n in g o f h u m an life on the earth, and a ctu a lly to k n o w and experience in o n e se lf the real­ ity o f b o th w orlds at the sam e tim e. It w a s a science o f being. In 1912 G u rd jieff b eg a n to g ath er pupils in M osco w and St. Peters­ burg. In 1917, the yea r o f the Russian R evolution , he m oved to the C a u ­ casus, and eventu ally, in 1922, he established an institute for his w o rk on a larger scale near Paris. D u rin g these years he b rou gh t a com pre­ hensive system o f ideas to introd u ce his tea ch in g and attract follow ers. A fte r a near-fatal autom obile accident in 1924, G u rd jieff closed the in ­ stitute and, for the n ext ten years, tu rn ed all his energies to w ritin g his trilo g y on the life o f m an, titled All and Everything. H e stopped w ritin g in 1935 and th ereafter g ave h im s e lf to intensive w o rk w ith pupils p rin ­ cip ally in Paris u n til his death in 1949. In his later years G u rd jieff re­ gard ed th e stu d y o f the o rig in a l system o f ideas as m erely a prelim in ary stage o f the w o rk to w ard consciousness. H e tu rn ed aside questions about ideas as b ein g th eoretical and presented his teach in g in term s o f a d irect p erception o f r e a lity G u rdjieff's m ag n u m opus, All and Everything, w as published in th ree series as Beelzebub’s Tales to his Grandson (1950), Meetings with Re­

markable Men (1963) and Life Is Real Only Then, When “I Am" (1975). T h e system o f ideas he tau gh t fro m 1914 to 1924 w as fa ith fu lly recorded and published in P. D. O u sp e n sk y ’s In Search o f the Miraculous (1949) and also in notes, p rin cip ally o f Jeanne de Salzm an n , presented in Viewsfrom the

Real World (1974). T h is tea ch in g included the fo llo w in g fun dam ental concepts:

The Law o f Three Forces (the Law o f Three). In Gurdjieff’s teaching every phenomenon, on whatever scale, from molecular to cosmic in whatever world, results from the combination of three opposing forces— the positive (affirming), the negative (denying), and the neu­ tralizing (reconciling) force. The possibility o f unity depends on a con­

Biographical Note

297

frontation b e tw e e n the “yes" and the “no," and the appearance o f a third reco n cilin g force that can relate the tw o . T h e third force is a p ro p erty o f the real w o rld — "what is" and w h a t “I am."

The Law o f Octaves (the Law o f Seven). A ll m atter in the u n iverse consists o f vibration s d escend in g to w ard m an ifestation o f fo rm ( " in v o ­ lution” ), or ascendin g in a retu rn to the form less source ( “ev o lu tio n ” ). T h e ir d evelopm ent is not continu ous bu t ch a ra cterized b y p eriod ic ac­ celerations and retardations at definite intervals. T h e law s g o v ern in g this process are em bodied in an ancient form u la that divides the period in w h ich a vibration doubles into eigh t u n eq u a l steps co rresp o n d in g to the rate o f increase in the vibrations. T h is p eriod is called an “o ctave,” that is to say, “com posed o f eight.” T h is fo rm u la lies at the basis o f the Biblical m yth o f the creation o f the w orld , and o u r division o f tim e into w orkdays and Sundays. A pplied to m usic, the fo rm u la is expressed in the m usical scale do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-si-do, w ith sem itones m issin g at the intervals mi-fa and si-do. T h e in n er m o vem en t to w ard consciousness requires a “conscious sh o ck ” at these tw o in tervals in order to proceed to a h igh er level, that is, a n e w octave.

The Enneagram. T h e sym b o l o n the title p age— a trian gle w ith in a circle w ith nine equal parts— expresses the L a w o f T h re e Forces and the L aw o f O ctaves. G u rd jie ff said it is a “u n iversal sym bo l,” w h ich show s the inn er law s o f one o ctave and p rovides a m eth od o f co g n izin g the essential nature o f a th in g exam in ed in itself. T h e closed circle rep­ resents the isolated existen ce o f the ph en om en on , and sy m b o lize s an etern ally retu rn in g and u n in terru p ted ly flo w in g process.

Jeanne de Salzmann Jeanne de S alzm an n w a s b o rn in 1889 in R eim s, France, th e eldest o f five ch ildren o f Jules A lle m a n d and M arie-Lou ise M atign on , b o th d e­ scendants o f old French fam ilies. She w as b ro u g h t up in G en eva , Sw it­ zerland, in a hom e d o m in a ted b y th e interaction o f the stron g P rotestant faith o f her father and the d evou t C a th o licism o f h er m other. She spent ch ild h o od hours listen in g to priests and m inisters w h o o ften cam e to

Biographical Note

298

din e at her parents’ h om e, w h ere th ey debated th eolo gical questions. T h is created at an early age a co m p ellin g need to understand the truth u n d erly in g her parents’ C h ristian faith. Jeann e’s m oth er to o k her to Sun day m ass u n til, as a little girl, in the m idd le o f the priest’s h o m ily she w h isp ered loudly: “ H e lie s!” She alw ays felt h er father understood her independent spirit. Jeanne’s ed u cation w a s co ncentrated on m usic, for w h ich she sh ow ed an excep tional g ift as a ch ild p rod igy. She b eg a n serious study o f the piano at the age o f fo u r and co nd u cted a fu ll orchestra b y the tim e she w a s fifteen . D u r in g th is period the C o n se rva to ry o f G en eva inclu ded fam ou s m usicians fro m o th er cou ntries, notab ly Jacques Dalcroze, an in n ovato r w id ely acclaim ed for his w o rk in com position, im ­ p rovisation and dance. A t the age o f seventeen, Jeanne w as chosen, togeth er w ith a h an d fu l o f other g ifte d students, to fo llo w h im to the n e w ly com pleted D a lcro ze Institute at H ellerau near D resden, G e r­ m any, and g iv e dem on stration s o f his w o r k in capitals th ro u gh o u t Eu­ rope. It w a s d u rin g her years w ith D a lcro ze that Jeanne m et A lexan dre de S alzm an n , a w e ll-k n o w n Russian painter w h o w as assisting D al­ cro ze in sta gin g and lig h tin g his dem on stration s. She m arried de Salz­ m an n in G en eva in 1912 and retu rn ed w ith h im to his h om e in T iflis in the Caucasus, w h ere she b egan her o w n school o f m usic based on the D a lcro ze m ethod. In 1919, G u rd jie ff arrived in T iflis w ith a sm all gro u p o f follow ers, in clu d in g the com poser T h o m a s de H artm an n . It w as th ro u gh de H artm a n n that the de S alzm an n s m et G urdjieff, a m eetin g that w as to ch an ge the cou rse o f th eir lives. Jean n e’s first im pression w as u n forget­ table: “ T h e presence o f G urdjieff, and especially his p en etratin g look, m ade an ex tra o rd in a ry im pression. You felt that yo u w ere tru ly seen, expo sed b y a v isio n that left n o th in g in shadow , and at the sam e tim e y o u w e re not ju d g ed or condem ned. A relationship w a s im m ed iately established w h ich rem oved all fear and at the sam e tim e b rou gh t you face to face w ith y o u r o w n reality.” In G u rd jieff and his tea ch in g Jeanne de S a lzm a n n fo u n d th e w a y to w ard the tru th she had lon ged for since h er ch ildh ood .

Biographical Note

299

W ith in less th an a y ea r the disruptions in Russia had extended to the Caucasus, and G u rd jie ff w as o bliged to leave T iflis w ith his fo llo w ­ ers. By this tim e the de S alzm an n s w e re w h o lly co m m itted to h im and his w o rk. In order to g o w ith h im , th ey g ave up their h ouse and oth er possessions, and Jeanne left beh in d h er school o f pupils. T h e gro u p traveled first to C on stan tin ople and th en to Berlin, and fin ally settled in Fontainebleau near Paris in 1922. Jeanne de S a lzm an n rem ained close to G u rd jieff and w o rk ed at his side in gro u p s u n til his death. She w as am o n g the han d fu l o f pupils included in w h a t he called “special w o r k ” for a m ore conscious sensation. M m e. de S a lzm an n played th e principal role in G u r d jie ff's in tro ­ duction and practice o f the dance exercises called the “ M ovem ents.” In T iflis she o rg a n ized his first class w ith pupils fro m her m usic school. In 1923-1924 in Paris and N e w Y ork she w as h e rse lf a cen tral participant in his dem onstrations. A n d in the 1940s she assem bled a class o f pupils on her o w n and invited h im on ce again to b rin g M ovem ents. She later ar­ ran ged the m aterial in accordance w ith the aim and principles he had taught. A fter his death she m ade a series o f film s to preserve the M o v e­ m ents in their authentic form . Before G u rd jieff died he ch arged M m e. de S a lzm an n to live to be "over 100” in order to establish his teach in g. H e left her all his rights w ith respect to his w ritin g s and the M ovem ents, as w e ll as the m usic that de H artm an n had com posed w ith him . D u rin g the n ext fo rty years she arran ged for pu blication o f his b o o k s and p rese rvation o f the M ovem ents. She also published the m usic w ritte n to accom p an y the M ovem ents but ceded to G u rd jie ff’s heirs all rights to the o th er G u rd jieff / de H artm an n m usic because, as she explained, it w as not part o f his teaching.

Mme. de Salzmann established Gurdjieff centers in Paris, New York and London, as well as Caracas, Venezuela. There she organized groups and Movements classes, and later introduced expanded sittings for “spe­ cial work” together. M m e. de S alzm an n died at the age o f 101 in Paris in 1990.

Gurdjieff Centers

T h e centers o rgan ized b y M m e. de Salzm ann are:

T h e G u rd jieff Foundation, N e w York T h e G u rd jieff Society, L on d o n L’Institut Gurdjieff, Paris Fundacion G. I. Gurdjieff, Caracas, V en ezuela

For fu rth e r in form ation con tact w w w .R e a lity o fB e in g .o rg .

Index

abandon/abandonment, 39, 49, 67, 72, 161,168, 206, 207, 226, 266, 275 abdicate, 132 able “to be,” 13,38 Absolute, 51, in, 172 absorption, 225, 235, 242, 267-68 accept/acceptance, 18, 42, 45,141 accumulate, 32,56, 57,198, 251 action(s), 55, 93,123, 220-21, 271-75 active, 15-16, 20, 22,37-38, 48, 82,101 affirm/affirmation, 9-10,12, 88, 90, 91, 155, 249, 250 aim, 2, 27,44, 49,52, 80, 81,115, 221, 274-75, 281-83 air, 196,198, 216, 235, 236 angel, 21 animal, 19, 21, 62, 242, 243, 288 answer(s), 9, II, 56, 57-58,115,116,163, 164, 205-6 anxiety, 164 Ashiata Shiemash, 172 associations, 12,15, 31, 33, 84,121,189, 191, 221 atmosphere, 189,198, 222, 267 attachment, 38, 51, 57, 61, 70, 205, 235, 264 attention, 5, 20-21, 22-23, 5i>58, 94-101,132-33, 220, 292 centered, 43-44,113

conscious, 25-27, 208-9, 221, 229, 241 divided, 16, 22-23, 44» 9i> 93>99,134, 138 essential energy, 58 force of consciousness, 51 free, 17, 22,35-36, 282, 292 involving all parts, 35-38, 51,132-33 purifying, 42,132, 280 total, 51,58,123, 219, 228, 234 voluntary, 127,134,139, 217-22, 227, 289 attitude(s), 49-50, 83, 89, 94,120-21, 141, 252-53, 278-84 false, 147, 247-53 of vigilance, 278-84 right, 66, 84, 230 attraction, 64-65, 95,105-6,165, 219, 234 attune, 38, 43, 48-49, 65,134,174, 209, 228, 255 authority, 95,184, 215, 219, 222, 229 automatic/automatism, 22, 88, 120-22,125,126,183, 214, 221, 230 availability, 46-52, 95,164, 214 avidity, 14, 40, 69, 89,159, 225, 251, 279, 291 awake/awaken, 14 ,15 ,3 2 , 47-49, 74, 80, 95,166, 216, 242 axis, 133-34, 233

303

304

Index

background, 204 balance, 37, 47, 66, 74,106,132,134,138, 139,143, 172 , 214 , 2.35 become/becoming, 57, 59, 69, 251, 278 Beelzebub’s Tales, 173 being, 40,74-75,135,179-81, 262, 280-81, 291-92 birth, 172, 233, 262 change, 74-75,179-81, 247 essential, 239, 245-68 feeling, 184 level, 179 movement, 262, 280-81 Being, 9,147,173,175, 281, 292 reality, 280 scale, 114 sense, 213 two poles, 136 belief(s), 34,35, 48, 59,158,159,192, 251, 258, 275 blending, 51, 74-75,134,188, 230, 231, 257, 264, 265 body, xi, 36, 63, 64, 74,164,192,194-95, 213-16, 226, 242, 271-72, 287-88 animal, 62, 288 astral, 237 instrument, 226, 271-72 Movements, 120-27 posture (see posture) second (see second body) state, 192, 232 vehicle for energy, 213, 232-33 breath, 146 breathing, 145-51,196, 215-16, 230, 2.35-37, 247, 262 cosmic, 175 Presence, 214, 235 Buddha, 199 capacity, 16,19, 93,134,165,182,192, 286 center/centered, 16, 40, 44, 52,113-14, 131-51

center of gravity, 94-95, in, 112, 137-44,148, 214, 230, 235 centers, 22-23,37-38, 46-49,55, 71, 83, 99-100,131, 256-57, 289 higher (see higher centers) change, 23, 74, 79, 88, 97,174,198, 266 being, 23, 74,179-81, 280, 286 state, 187, 266, 286 channels, 181, 229, 231, 237 choice, 18, 89, 92-93 Christ, 199 circuit, closed, 122,193, 215, 229, 265 collected state, 187-93, 289 coming together, 51-52,136,182, 189-90, 214, 229-31 with others, 109,113,118 concentrate/concentration, 19, 40, 49, 132,138,164-65,184, 221-22 conclusion(s), 56, 59, 214, 265 condition(s), 33, 88, 93, no, 116,118 of life, 88 quiet, 33 with others, 106-8,113-14 conditioned/conditioning, 3, 41, 44, 56-57, 69-70,164, 251, 256, 281-82 confidence, 198 confrontation, 21, 242 conscience, 259-60, 282, 287-89 conscious, 15-17,18-21, 41-42, 61, 74-75, 83, 89-90,167, 207, 281-83, 289 man, 21, 63 of self, 15-17, 75, 88, 94, 99,107, 234, 249, 283 consciousness, 18-19, 20-21, 25-27, 39-40, 69, 71, 74-75,100-101,135, 198, 291-92 essential effort, 255 I am, 262 meditation, 265 my true nature, 174-76 principal role, 147

Index

contact, 34, 41, 70, 71, 73, 74, 97 direct, 32 disorder, 16 myself, 37, 63, 65 reality, 34, 40, 73,136 relation is, 71 contemplation, 278-79 continuing, 98, 251 continuity, 42,56,159,160,167, 208, 235, 266 cosmos/ cosmic, 5,147,175,198-200, 206, 217, 249, 267 breathing, 175 order, 26,181 create/creation, 36, 42, 225, 242, 266, 271-77

Creator, 176 crystallization /crystallize, 182,198, 236, 237, 242, 282 current(s), 44-45,105-112,123,125, 145-46, 234 two, 5, 37, 44-45,145,182, 203, 219 death/dying, 160,161,166,167,175, 195,197

of ego, 195, 262-64, 277 decision, 4, 89, 92-93 deliverance, 208 desire(s), 98,160,168, 251, 278-79 destiny, 31 differences, knowledge of, 90 dimension(s), 3, 49, 71,150,157,166, 171, 204 disappearing and appearing, 263 discard, 57, 71 discernment, 179, 259 discipline, 57,108, no, 239, 279, 287, 289 discovery, 57, 71,159,162, 205, 212, 276, 281 disharmony, 140 disorder, 16, 25, 48, 68

305

dispersion, 206 dissatisfaction, 2,163,164, 254 divine, 27, 51, 66,107,135,141,175, 260, 291-92 attention, 51, 208 nature, 21, 49 doing, 11, 73, 83, 92, 97,125,126, 251, 252, 276, 292 doubt, 93, 95, 257-59, 276 dream, 19, 32, 80, 98,118,137, 218, 292 duality, 143,194, 211, 214, 265, 291 earth, 5, 63, 64-65, 232, 287, 288 effort(s), 12,16, 21, 36, 45, 47-48, 79-101, 255, 281 conscious, 11, 23, 25-27, 36, 45, 91, 98,134, 242, 280 super, 134 to be present, 19, 20-21, 40, 42 with others, 105,107, 108, no, 113, 117,118 ego, 12, 56, 89,131,155-61, 250-51, 261, 262-64 emanations, 198, 249 emergence, 261-68 emotion(s), 219, 233, 289 negative (see negative emotions) positive, 185 shock, 185 emptiness, 12-13, 42.. 67,138,163,168, 171-203 energy/energies, 19, 25, 95, 96,100, 181, 225-31, 234-35, 264 finer, 43, 70, 75, 84, 90, 91,197-200 in Movements, 120-26 with others, 105,107 Enneagram, 122, 297 equilibrium, 5, 64 essence, 67,165,171,172, 226, 255, 260, 284 eternity, 175, 278, 284 evasion, 158

306

Index

evolution, 23, 44, 99,180, 211, 259 exchange, 106,113-19 exclude, 36, 205 exercise, 71,73, 84-86,150-51,189, 195- 97 ,198-99, 235-36 exist/existence, 15-16, 40, 41, 62-63, 81, 135, 234, 261-63, 276, 292 totality of, 177 expansion, 207, 214, 226, 233, 235, 267, 292 experience(s), 47, 55-56, 274, 279 fact(s), 24, 69,157,163, 208-9, 265 teaches, 265 failure, 41,135, 160, 239, 260 faith, 174, 257-59, 262, 264 Father, 27 fear, 59, 69,157,160-61,186, 205, 251, 278-79 feeling, 11,38,39-40, 69-75, 84, 91,121, 235, 257, 267, 286 higher, 259, 267, 290 of being, 184,186, 222 of "I,” 132,134, 219, 291 of urgency, 95,100, 205-6 fictions, 73 filter, 84, 232, 267 food, 33-34, 215, 242 force(s), 10,32,38, 64, 88, 89, 96,122 third, 27, 72,184,194, 209, 243 three, 27,51 forcing, 12,14, 24, 47, 51, 204, 212, 217, 248, 256, 266, 275 form(s), 40,120,142-44,147,170,175, 203-4, 226, 253 Work, 106, no, h i , 113,118-19,123, 124,181 Fourth Way, 22-23, 79 , no-12,179-81, 199 frame, fixed, 290 freedom, 37, 59, 60-61, 94, 97,100, 205, 273, 276-77, 283-84

friction, 43,180,182, 241, 242 front, stay in (see stay in front) functions, 19, 31, 34, 46, 82,100,132, 133-35

fusion, 180 God, 21, 27, 40,199, 226, 260, 279, 292 good and bad, 89,109,166 Grace, 198 group, 113-19 guide, teaching, 109 Gurdjieff, George Ivanovitch, 1-5, 295-97

habit(s), 12,18,36, 46,121, 289-90 haida yoga, 182 happiness, 158,174,182-83 help, 14, 26, 27, 72-73, 74, 85, 95 others, 107-8,113,114 higher centers, 51, 72, 74, 97,135,136, 194, 229-30, 289 Holy Spirit, 27 hope, 251, 252, 259 humanity, 199, 200 humility, 169,198, 205, 220, 261-62 hypocrisy, 250 "I am,” 52, 72-73,150-51,169,175, 219, 234, 253, 291-92 idea(s), 4-5, in, 114,159,180,192 ideal, 198 identification/identify, 10,17-18, 23, 80, 81, 88, 89-90, 251, 282 illusion(s), 21, 57, 80, 93, 94,155-61, 204-5, 208, 284 image(s), 12,16-17, 32, 34-36, 42, 47, 55-56, 98 imagining/imagination, 14, 42, 80, 155-57, 264 immobility, 36, 67, 247, 275, 276 immortal, 176

Index

impermanence, 251 impetus, 80, 93,175, 255, 257, 281 impressions, 13-14, 20, 26, 33-34, 42, 46, 57, 87-88, 211 conscious, 17, 45, 75, 79-80 impulse. See impetus inattention, 21, 42,160 incapacity, 65,185, 211, 217-18, 241, 260, 286 incarnate, 68,147, 216 individual /individuality, 133,138,142, 168,180, 282, 284, 288 inertia, 15-16, 43, 65, 67, 87, 93,164, infinite, 172,174-75, 203, 292 influence(s), 11, 22-23, 40, 43, 48,114, 133, 179 , 2.55 initiation, first, 16-17 instrument of knowing, 62-63, 72,190, 210 body, 226 feeling, 72 mind, 190, 279 sensation, 63, 210 insufficiency, 259-60 intellect, 12,18, 20 intelligence, 12, 25, 49, 71,150,166, 206, 228, 237, 279, 284 intensity, 16,32,37,41,181-83,183-84, 208-9, 2.28 with others, 105,107,109,121 interval, 5,13,181,184,185, 206 intuition, 51 involution, 44, in, 294 isolated/isolation, 35, 38, 42, 51-52,136, 157,168, 274, 287 judge/judging, 35-36, 251, 254, 265, 287 know, 22-27, 62-63, 72, 81-82, 95, 207, 265, 267, 291-92 myself, II, 95,138-39,155-76

307

knowledge, 22-23, 82, 83, 90, 95,120, 170,174 known, the, 55, 67,160-61,162,167,175 label(s), 207 lack, 100, 217-18, 221, 240-41, 256, 261, 282, 284 living, 100, 240-41, 285-87 language, 120,122,124 Law of Seven, 181, 263, 297 Law of Three, 142, 296-97 leader(s), 109,118 letting go, 47-48,134,136,150,190, 212-13, 230, 239, 261-62 level(s), 5, 81, 94-95,182,194-200, 238, 263, 288 of being, 179 liberation, 83,109,136,163, 208, 251, 279, 292 lie/lying, 12,14, 90-91,157, 264, 280 life force, 9-10, 88, 89, 94,131,146, 213, 225, 229-31 light, illuminating, 32, 39, 49, 71,167, 183, 204 limitations, II, 109, 241 listening, 35, 38,163,165,192-93, 211, 251 look, 51,172, 203-5, 2.06, 210, 212, 281 from Above, 237, 283-84 Lord, have mercy, 27, 64, 73, 236, 260 lose /lost, 34, 44, 52, 99,101, 256, 282 love, 68, 69,158-59,174,175, 267, 292 of being, 74-75, 239 lucidity, 161, 226, 279, 282-83 machine, II, 17,52, 87-88, 97,126, 208, 210 magnet/magnetized, 19, 44, 95,105, 146,175,199 , 234, 265 make room, 45, 73, 91,133,138,139,141, 150,173, 239, 265 man number one, etc., 112,137, 220

308

Index

manifestation, 10, 44, 87, 89-90, 92, 99, hi, 264 masks, 88 master, 68, 220, 221, 237, 241, 243, 289 meaning, 43, 44, 72,115, 210, 237, 258, 288 measure, 26,73, 79, 90-91, 93,111,117 mechanical. See machine meditation, 58,166,168, 265, 278-79 memory, 35, 57-58, 59, 60,121,163-64, 256 mind, 18, 25, 34-36, 55-61, 83,159, 167-69,190, 228, 256, 279-80 miracle, 3, 38,109, 215, 266, 272-74 Mohammed, 199 movements inward and outward, 37, 44-45, 79, 81, 94, 96,131,139, 203, 225, 276 faith and doubt, 257-58 seeing and letting go, 188, 212, 230, 281 Movements, 120-27, 272 name(s), 58-59,163, 205, 234 nature, double, 18, 21, 27, 44-45 consciousness, 39, 40, 43, 45,174-76 true, 46,170-76, 204, 219, 256, 278 necessity, 217, 235, 267 negation, 159, 240-41 negative emotions, 18, 23, 69,158, 240-41 net, 84, 232 neutralizing force, 27 "new man,” 16,114 nostalgia, 9, 58, 66,135,155 nothing, being, 13,38, 94,198 nothingness, 14, 64,100,108,169, 218, 264 notion of “I,” 131,155,165,170,186, 211, 214, 250 not knowing, 56-58

obedience, 41, 65, 68, 93,123,132, 21820, 267, 281, 289 Fourth Way, 22,179 sensation, 140,150 objective, 216, 283 observation, 18, 20-21, 22, 24-25, 34-36, 48, 220, 280 observer and observed, 21, 24, 60 obstacle(s), 17,35, 47,51, 58, 93, 99, 132,155 mind, 57, 83, 282 octave(s), 99,121,181-84,185, 290 opening, 39-40, 65, 83, 97,185,197, 227-28, 232, 263, 279-81 to Presence, 134, 212 order, 132,142-44, 228, 235, 237, 249, 252, 262 cosmic, 132 disorder, 16, 25 new, 26, 85, 218, 226, 264 with others, 108-110 ordinary means, 17, 20, 37, 45, 79-80, 92 organic life, 232 organism, 108, 264 organize, 108-110 origin, 137, 266 others, with, 4-5,123,105-27 part(s), 66, 85,132-33, 208, 258, 261 partial, 135, 258, 261 participation, 170, 213, 235, 236, 272, 281 particle(s), 88,169,175,199, 219, 226, 234

passion, 158,161,183 passive, 15-16,19, 22, 31-32, 37-38, 46-48, 93, 9 6 ,139 force, 71, 248 mind, 34, 74

Index

passivity, voluntary, 20, 45, 68,139, 141, 219-20, 248 pay/payment, no, 203, 250, 283 peace, 172, 256, 262, 292 perception, 13,19, 36, 40, 61, 82, 83, 206-7, 232 direct, 18, 42,56-57,163, 267 door of, 59,162-63 sensation, 213 with others, 107 permanence, 9, 251 personality, 13, 20, 37,108,156 place, 45, 96 with others, 105,114 pleasure or pain, 34-35, 98,158,160 poles, 64,136, 219, 276 position. See posture possess, 32,37, 40, 44, 47, 69, 80, 239, 251 possibilities, 19, 31, 70, 87, 88, 90,167, 172 posture, 49-50, 83, 84,120,140, 142-44,192, 213-15, 232 power "to be," 52, 240 prayer/praying, 26, 65,196,198, 211 Presence, 13,16, 20, 31-52, 82,132-33, 139-40, 225-43 prison/prisoner, 12,14, 49, 57, 64, 88, 121, 280 progress, 15 projecting, 51, 95,163,168,171,183, 206-7, 250, 264 promise, 93 purify, 41, 49, 51-52, 67-68,132, 257, 291 purity, 43, 70, 72, 73, 75,163, 259, 291 question/questioning, 9, 20, 81, 83, 96, 97,109, in, 115, 236 and answer, 36,56,59 quiet, work in, 79-86, 92,142,148

309

radiate/radiations, 267-68, 292 react, 14, 34, 207, 211 reaction(s), 22, 23, 24, 26,55,123, 211, 254 with others, 109,116,118 reality, 94,142,167,169, 254-60, 266, 292 inner, 25, 48, 71, 81, 82, 84, 95, 99 of being, 135,142 rebirth, 263 reconciling, 71, 209, 243 reference, point of, 26 reflection, 18, 253 refusal, 65, 211, 217, 240, 241 relation, 16,19, 45, 47, 48, 71, 96-97, 126-27, 281, 291 centers, 37-38, 47, 48, 286 ego-being, 44, 88, 291 mind-body, 187,191, 228, 289 with higher, 14,17, 51, 95, 240, 289 with others, 106-9,113,118-19 relaxation, 68, 212, 215, 230, 250, 254-55 ,26 1

See also letting go religions, 292 remember oneself, 15-21, 34, 37, 41, 74, 81, 83, 264 remorse, 239, 259-60, 282 repeat, 90,115,124,125,188, 281 repetition, 97, in, 121,188, 273, 275 resist, 42, 89, 97-98 resistance, 64, 90, 92-93,106,147, 240, 278-79 resonance, 82,106,134,163-65, 211 respect, 40,141, 206, 214, 236, 252 respond/response, 31-32, 41, 87,120, 148, 206, 208, 291 responsibility, 5,199, 220, 229, 238, 291 with others, 105,106-8,113,124, 200 result(s), 20, 25, 48, 95-96, 97, 242, 274

310

Index

rhythm, 124,125,127,146,147,182,192, 227, 265 role(s), 21, 96,106, no, 114, 225, 235, 248, 253, 277 playing a, 99-101, 290 room, make. See make room root of being, 137 rupture, 207 sacred, 27,109,114,150,166, 211, 260 sacrifice, 26, 90, 283 satisfaction, 35, 98,135,160-61 school(s), 2,110-12, 292 science, 2, 5, 23,120,126,181 search, 12, 24, 56-57,156,162-63,176, 248, 280 second body, 133,139,182, 232-37, 241-43, 248, 280, 281, 290 security, 56, 59, 69, 251-52, 256 seeing, 20-21, 23-25, 32, 41-42, 72, 80, 96,123,188, 212, 276, 281, 284 act of, 75, 203-9, 264-66, 276, 281 first initiation, 17-18 self/Self, 24, 40,136,156-57,161, 170-76, 247, 264 self-love, 135,189, 260 self-observation. See observation self-remembering. See remember oneself sensation(s), 37, 62-68,139-40,184, 210-16, 22i, 226, 233, 262, 276 conscious, 210-16, 220, 241, 265, 267 continual, 221, 289 inner, 62-68, 82-84,184 senses, 58, 204 separation, 21, 35, 41, 60, 203 dividing attention, 16 servant, 95 service, 45, 51,134, 219, 237, 239, 263, 291 Seven, Law of. See Law of Seven sex center/energy, 182-83, 235

shock(s), n-14,15, 62, 83, 96, 211, 212, 252 first conscious, 95,184-85,187 second conscious, 95,127,185-86 si, 12,182 silence, 59, 61,165-69,171, 251-52, 253 sincerity, 3, 47,134, 205, 220, 256-57, 280 with others, 108 situate, 284, 289 slave, 17, 24, 95, 205 slavery, 22, 35, 83, 94, 98,171, 205, 218 sleep, n-12,15, 20-21, 22, 80, 81, 95, 284 solitude, 158,167-69, 226 Son, 27 soul, 165,175, 289 source, 10, 44, 88, 94-95,137-38,141, 142,172-73,175, 204, 266-68 with others, 111 space, 61,136,138,166,172, 204, 206, 215, 235, 253 speak, need to, 115-16 sphere, 63, 234-35, 265, 291 spirit/spiritualize, 67-68, 71, 215-16, 225 stability, 33, 49-50, 94, 95,127,192, 214 stages, 15,126,127,137,180,187, 237, 247

breathing, 146-47 work, 247-48 stairway, 207 state, 18-21, 37-38, 41, 46, 60, 79-86, 100,180, 271 body, 65 collected, 180,187-93, 289 conscious, 194, 208-9 prayer, 198 unity, 203-22 with others, 115,116,125 stay in front, 94-101,194-95, 218, 238-43, 290 with others, 117 step(s), 180, 213

Index

stillness, 59, 67,171,175, 212-13, 215, 230, 255, 262 straggle, 18, 22, 43-44, 66, 95, 98-99, 220-22, 284, 290 between octaves, 184, 290 conscious, 241-43 of forces, 22, 280, 281 with ego, 91, 93 subjective, 12, 42, 58,199, 283 submission, 141,147,168,173, 218, 219 substance(s), 133, 211, 232, 236-37, 242 of “I,” 236-37 suffering, 18, 60-61,195, 218, 227, 263 remorse, 259-60 voluntary, 238-43, 259-60, 290 suggestible/suggestion(s), 31,32, 71, 98,191, 211 super-effort. See effort: super superficial, 33, 64,124, 256 support, 20, 33, 63, 86, 87, 99 taken, 87,197, 234, 285-86 task, 93, 242-43, 278 teach, 117 teaching(s), 107,109, no, 124 guide, 109 to live, 108, in, 122,181, 271-92 traditional, 181 tension(s), 47, 64-67, 85,141,150, 211, 226, 229, 267, 274-75 and letting go, 64, 85,138-39,141, 148, 250, 252, 254-55 thinking, II, 21, 25, 39-40, 55-61, 83, 190,195, 210, 265 functioning of, 31-32, 34-36, 71, 256 objective, 283-84 third force. See force, third thought. See thinking Three, Law of. See Law of Three time, 67, 72,135,161,169,174, 265-66, 292 tonus, 84,192

311

totality, 131,142,159, 208, 249, 262 of existence, 277 tranquillity, 56, 60,165, 206, 252, 264, 279 transform, 13, 38, 71,143,146 transformation, 51, 72, 74,180,184, 247-48, 250, 257, 266 transmission, 115 transparent, 229 true nature. See nature, true trust, 26, 34, 99,125,147,150, 209, 247-48, 252, 253, 262 truth, 24, 25, 27, 57, 60, 68, 71, 91,186, 266 with others, 107,108, in, 118 trying, 37, 48, 57, 70-71, 80, 248 turn away, 41, 56, 59,162-63, 206, 241, 251, 252-53 understanding, 25, 60, 79-81, 91, 179-80,186, 264, 266, 278, 287 with others, 108-111,115,117,122 unity, 40, 52,131,136,144, 203-222, 263, 266-67, 281, 288, 291 universe, 52,122,147,181, 235, 292 unknown, the, 48, 59, 71, 97,161, 162-69,175, 204, 251 with others, 115-17 up to me, 36-38 urgency, 32, 75, 205-6, 208 veil, 40, 59,170-71, 204 vibration(s), 13, 43, 67-68,134,145,164, 173,185, 211, 225-26, 255 with others, 105 world of, 213, 215, 276 vigilance, 20-21, 26,58, 85,138,145, 186, 291 attitude of, 278-84 meditation, 279 with others, 108,109, in, 113 vision of oneself, 133, 291

312

Index

void, 42, 67,163,168,175, 204, 226, 267, 276 voluntary, 21, 22, 26, 31, 36-38, 55, 63, 86, 92 attention (see attention: voluntary) passivity (see passivity, voluntary) suffering (see suffering: voluntary) watch/watchman, 20-21, 26, 36, 85, 252, 281-83 wave(s), 42, 83,1 4 1 , 150,198, 234, 248 wavelength, 26, 255 way(s), 2, 3, 9, 49, no, 179,195 of shrewd, astute man, 182 traditional, 181,199 wholeness, 32, 38, 39-44, 51, 65-66, 69, 75,131-36,141-42

will, 16,19-20, 23, 81, 90, 92, 95,100-1, 184, 218, 219-20, 220-22 wish. See will wish "to be,” 13, 45, 74,156,171,199, 237, 256, 291 behind manifestation, 12 conscious, 167 word(s) 31, 59, 69,159,163, 233 work, 14,15, 79-101,105-27,132, 227, 233, 241-43, 256 begin, 243 Work, the, 105-6,111-12,114,117, 124 "yes” and "no,” 3, 22, 87,180,194, 243, 280, 296