Want Me

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I'm not sure when I stopped fighting. When I just... let him take control. Slowly, Walker lowered his head, brushed his lips over mine. Locks of dark hair fell forward, grazed over my cheeks as he slid my hand lower. I gasped as he deepened the kiss, as he slipped my hand under his shirt so my palm could lay flat against his warm, hard abs. Walker's mouth was firm against mine. Caressing. Tasting. Taking. Always taking. I bit down on his lower lip. Hard. He leapt back from me, his hand shooting to his mouth. Oh, God. For all my fantasies of hurting Walker, for all my attempts, now that I'd done it... I was scared to death to see what he'd do when really pissed at me.

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Want Me

R O WA N M C B R I D E

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Want Me Copyright © 2008 Rowan McBride. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or retransmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher. Published by Wheatmark® 610 East Delano Street, Suite 104 Tucson, Arizona 85705 U.S.A. www.wheatmark.com International Standard Book Number: 978-1-58736-934-6 Library of Congress Control Number: 2007933443

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1 "Hey, how's your new roommate working out?" I shrugged, leaning back against the tree as I stared at the students walking across the quad. "Okay, I guess." Sitting beside me on the grass, Sam tossed me a soda. "Just okay?" As I tapped the bottom of the can, I caught the eye of Tiffany Miller as she sauntered by us. Long legs, which I always went for, and a pretty good lay. Nice mouth. But I'd already had her, so right now the soda in my hand seemed more interesting. "It's not like we have a lot in common, Sam." I took a long drink, didn't miss the wide-eyed stare of a mousy redhead sitting at a picnic table as she gawked at the swell of my biceps. "We don't talk very much." "You don't think he's...creepy?" I glanced at Sam. Although we'd both only started our sophomore year at Hamilton University a month ago, we were already superstars. Our strength and speed on the football field guaranteed that. "Creepy?" His face scrunched. "He's all quiet with his nose in a book 24/7. I don't even think most of them are textbooks." Sam distrusted geeks in general, and my roommate was one hundred percent geek. "So he likes to read. So what?" "And he's always watching those old black-and-whites. Where the quarterback dates the cute girl, opens doors for her, gives her his jacket. All that shit." Frowning, I took another sip of my soda. "What's that got to do with anything?" "Joel." He shook his head. "Haven't you noticed the way he looks at you?" Yeah, I noticed. Didn't see Sam's point, though. "He looks at me the way everybody looks at me." I let my head drop back against the tree trunk, stared up at the Colorado sky. "I'm a god." I'm a god. You'd think I'd be more impressed, saying those words. But they kinda bored me, even though they were true. At six foot six and just over three hundred pounds of hard, cut muscle, I'd been inspiring awe and worship for years. My roommate was tiny. Like five-foot-four tiny. Of course he would stare. "Joel," Sam clenched his fist, "I think he's a fag." My eyebrows lifted as I glanced at him. "So what if he is?" His back went ramrod straight. "Don't you care?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "What if he tries something with you?" Lemon-lime soda damn near came out of my nose. "Try something with me? Get real. He's not stupid." "Don't you... Don't you worry that he might be having nasty thoughts about you?" I snorted. "Fuck, I don't care. As long as they stay in his head." Sam shook his head in disbelief. Bored, and knowing I had homework to do, I rose to my feet. "I gotta go home now to my dirty-thinking roommate." Sam stood too. "I'm telling you, Joel, that kid's got some seriously weird stuff going on inside him. I mean, what kind of name is 'Walker,' anyway? He Indian?" I didn't bother to correct him on the term, since it was the wrong term anyhow. "Naw, he's got some fancy word for it that I can't pronounce. So he just lets me call him gypsy." "Gypsy." Sam shuddered. "Be careful around him, man." Laughing, I walked off without responding. I passed the picnic table, accidently knocked a few books off the surface. Stooping, I picked them up and handed them to the mousy girl. "Sorry about that." She hugged the books to her small breasts, her dark eyes wide behind her black frame glasses. "ThThanks, Joel." It didn't surprise me that she knew my name, and I didn't feel bad not knowing hers. "No problem." "J-Joel?" she asked tentatively, when I started to leave. I paused. "Yeah?" "My name is April." She tilted her head to the side and gave me a shaky smile. Now that did surprise me. Girls like this hardly ever had the nerve to talk me up. As I looked over her little green sweater vest, the pleated catholic school style skirt, and the clunky combat boots, I actually considered her. Just because she was different from the girls I usually fucked. But I knew I couldn't. I'd break -6-

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her right in two. "Nice to meet you, April," I said, flashing her a grin for her bravery before leaving the quad. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I wondered what Tiffany might be doing tonight. I'd had her, but in one short school year I'd managed to have most of the girls worth having on campus. No shame in starting over in my second year, I guess. Plus there was a whole new class of freshmen chicks to check out. Shit, I was bored. Wasn't sure why. All the girls on campus wanted me. Lots of the guys too. Even Walker, if you could believe Sam. I could fuck anyone I wanted, really. Who wouldn't want to be me? But, lately, the only real rush I got was when we smoked another team in football. After a game, everything was hotter, brighter, wilder. Girls were prettier, beer tasted better, the jokes guys cracked were fucking hilarious. The charge lasted for days afterward. Then the colors would fade, and I'd have to settle for the lesser rushes of everyday worship. Shaking my head, I climbed to the second floor of my dorm. Things would get better. I knew they would. Already, pro scouts were sniffing around me. Soon enough, I'd get to play more, feel more alive. I threw open my door and strode in. Walker glanced up from his desk. His lank hair fell over his dark eyes as he smiled. "Hi, Joel." "Hey." I dropped my backpack on my own desk. "Doing homework?" His body started. "P-Personal project." I cast a disinterested glance his way, paused when I saw the bottles of black ink and the different sized brushes. "Art project?" He nodded, so hard that I thought his head might flop off his thin neck. "Cool." Looking the little guy over, I could understand why Sam thought he might be Native American. It was that chestnut brown skin, completely smooth of scars or pockmarks. If he wasn't such a skinny little dude, he might actually catch a girl's attention once in a while. And he was skinny. I'd seen him in a towel a few times, and you could count his ribs, just about every bone in his body. As I rubbed my hand over my own chest—a thick shelf of full, swollen muscle —I couldn't imagine how a thing like that happened to a guy. Even when I was a kid I wasn't that thin. "Joel?" I blinked. "Yeah?" "I was just asking if you were okay." "Fine." I frowned, ran my fingers through my rich brown hair. "I think I'm going to take a shower before starting my homework." I saw his little chest hitch. Fuckin-A. Maybe he really was having nasty thoughts about me. Not really caring, I pulled my shirt off over my head. I heard him gasp before I went into the bathroom. My mouth crooked as I turned on the shower and let the water warm up. So the geek got a thrill. No big deal. I got underneath the water, let the liquid heat cascade over my skin. Grabbing a bar of soap, I lathered myself up, dipping my fingers into the crevices between my muscles, running my palms over the hard mounds of flesh. Loved being big. That was one thing I never got bored of. How everyone, even professors, even coaches, had to look up to me. How even my closest friends were just a little bit uneasy standing close to my bulk. How women, no matter how eager, always had second thoughts when they saw the python I was packing in my pants. A smile touched my lips as my hand slid down my pecs, my bricks of abdominal muscles. My fingers dipped into dark curls of pubic hair just before gliding down the thick shaft of my dick. My hand slipped underneath, cupped my heavy balls as pleasure filled every cell of my body. Heedless of the soapy water, I opened my eyes. This felt good. Really good. After game good. I wanted... Figuring I should call Tiffany after all, I hurried to rinse myself off, jumped out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my hips and flung open the door. Walker stood in front of me, stark naked. "What the fuck!" I yelled, jumping back a step. -7-

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Walker's thin body trembled—I could swear I heard his bones rattling under his skin. "It's started already, hasn't it? You felt it in the shower." "What the hell are you talking about?" My fist clenched. "Put your damned clothes back on, you little freak!" Still shaking, he raised his hand. "Y-You want to keep staring at this, don't you?" My gaze locked to the pattern painted on his palm. Jet-black spirals drew me in, and each layer contained letters or runes or pictures I felt like I should've been able to understand, but were just out of my ability to comprehend. The lines swirled deeper and deeper, holding me entranced. "Yes," I said softly. Walker edged closer, his voice still tentative. "You want to drop your towel, don't you?" "Yes." My fingers tugged at the material, let it fall to the floor. It felt natural, because I did want it. He took another step forward and I stepped back, bumping against the doorjamb. Walker's little prick was straining hard as he stared at my body. He was eye-level with my chest, and when he moved closer I could feel his warm breath puffing against my skin as he fastened his gaze on one nipple, then the other. Something was wrong. I should shove him back. I should pound the shit out of him! But all I really wanted to do was stare at his palm. Walker moved away, just slightly, and his hand began to drop downward. Enthralled, my gaze followed its path. Lower... Lower... Then the pattern disappeared from sight, and my rage roared to life as I balled up my fist. "You son of a— !" My entire body froze when Walker's hand closed around my cock. He looked up, his voice full of frightening confidence as he smiled. "You want me, don't you?" Dark swirls of pleasure coiled around my dick, spun into my body. My head fell back against the doorjamb as I groaned. That spellbinding, all-consuming pattern bound us together as it sank from his searing palm into my needy, throbbing cock. It wound its way through me, wove its way into my mind, until there was only one thing I could think —only one thing I could say — as I sank to my knees. "Yes."

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2 I bolted upright, flailed wildly in the darkness as I gasped for air. When I realized I was in bed, I flung the blankets to the floor, curled forward as I gripped my hair. Okay. Okay. What happened? Lemon-lime soda. Walker and his art project. Hot shower. Now. There wasn't anything in between. Why wasn't there anything in between? I'd been turned on. I'd been thinking of calling Tiffany Miller. So, had I? Didn't feel like it. Every muscle in my body was clenched tight and Tiffany —well, Tiffany's mouth had a way of loosening you up. Shit. I liked to drink, but I wasn't the type to get that wasted. I liked to remember the fun I had. Or didn't have. Groaning, I rolled out of bed and staggered toward the bath-room. Feeling unusually clumsy, I stumbled, crashing against my desk and then to the floor. "Dammit!" "Joel?" I swore into the darkness. "Sorry, Walker. Didn't mean to wake you." Little hands pressed against my bare shoulders. "Are you okay?" A shock arced over my skin at his touch, and I stumbled backward. "F-Fine." "Are you sure?" His hands were on me again, this time on my traps. It made my skin tingle. "You don't sound okay." What the fuck was going on? As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, the sight of him jarred me. He'd only worn pants to bed, and that wasn't like him—Walker always wore a full pajama set, like a third grader or something. Walker stood and tugged on my arm. I barely felt the pull. "Come on, let's get you to bed." I lurched to my feet, started to lean on him. His knees buckled under my weight, and I immediately eased off. "Sorry, man." He laughed as he wedged his shoulder under my arm, against my ribs, and guided me to my bed. "That's okay, I'm used to it." Used to it? I never leaned on Walker. Flopping down on the bed, I grunted when Walker fell on top of me. Bony little fucker. Chuckling, he threaded his fingers through my hair. I frowned up at him. "What are you doing?" He pressed his lips to my cheek. "What the hell!" I shoved him off of me. "What the fuck do you think you're doing!" Walker grinned as he laid back on the mattress—he didn't seem at all afraid to have me shouting at him at the top of my lungs. "Isn't this why you were getting out of bed in the middle of the night?" He propped himself up on his elbows. "To fuck?" "Are you on crack?" "Joel..." The smile faded from his face. "You want me, don't you?" I reached out, caressed his cheek. Shocked by my own actions, I snatched my hand back and stared at my palm. "What..." "Thought so." Walker crawled over my body, straddled my hips. His hands fluttered over the hard curves of my arms, my chest. "You want me so bad you can hardly stand it." Groaning, I stiffened as I fought the urge to touch him. He licked a line up the cord of muscle in my neck. I shuddered, balled my hands into fists. "Get off of me." Shit, was that really my voice? There was no authority at all in it. "We're playing that game again?" he teased as his fingers brushed over my nipples. My whole body jumped as pleasure flooded me, as I arched deeper into his touch. "This isn't right," I gasped, desperately trying to understand. "I-I'm not gay." "Yeah." Walker rolled his eyes. "I know." He leaned forward, sucked kisses along my traps. I snapped, not even caring anymore that he was a guy. Grabbing him hard, I shoved him back onto the mattress, dragged myself over him. I thrust my hand into his hair, yanking his head to the side so I could -9-

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nuzzle the curve of his neck. Walker gasped for air. "J-Joel... Can't..." He clutched at my delts, my biceps. "Can't breathe." Took me a second to figure out what he was saying, and why. Making sure to hold him close, I rolled to my side. "How's that?" He sucked in a deep breath, nodded against me. "Better." My hand swept over his back, his narrow waist, his thin thighs. Funny, he wasn't as skinny as I thought he was. "Sorry, this is why I only fuck girls who are really fit." His brow furrowed. "Girls?" Shit. I scrambled to backtrack. "Not saying you're a girl or anything. Just that the ones I date work out a lot more than you do and have more muscle. I don't have to worry about hurting them as much. You're really delicate. Small. I like my girls—guys—" I squeezed my eyes shut, my own confusion making my brain cramp. "Whatever. I usually like 'em taller, is all." Walker sat up. "Is there anything you like about my body?' My nerves hummed and I caught him around the waist, dragging him back to me. My foggy mind tried to sort out why the fuck I was so sprung over Walker Cain, but the rest of me just wanted to get back into his good graces. "Y-Your skin is nice." His face softened. "Really?" I nodded, running my knuckles over his flat chest. Despite what I'd said earlier, he must have been working out, because it actually sank inward the last time I'd seen him without a shirt. "Yeah. Always thought so." Surprise flickered over his features, and then he smiled. Walker pushed against my pecs, guided me to lay back on the mattress. "What do you like about it?" he asked, climbing on top of me and rubbing his little body along mine. My cock throbbed and I just about tore off my boxer shorts. Then my hands were on him again: stroking him, caressing him, working his pants off his legs. "Smooth." Still leery about kissing him on the mouth, I pulled him higher, sucked on his nipples. "Soft." He moaned, wriggled in my hold. I heard a drawer slide open and saw him pull out a small bottle. "What's that?" I asked. "What do you think?" Walker grinned as he held the bottle up for me to see. "Lube." "What the..." My head started to hurt again. Something was wrong. "Since when do I keep that in my nightstand?" He chuckled, sliding down my abs, my thick thighs. He wriggled some more, spreading my legs apart and settling between them. "Since you decided you didn't want to walk across to my side of the room when we found ourselves in your bed." Walker spoke like we did this all the time, but I knew damned well we'd never so much as hugged. The fog in my mind started to burn away, and at the very edges of my vision, I thought I saw black wisps of...of... I was so intent on figuring it out that I didn't notice when Walker bent my knees, spread my legs farther apart. I did notice something cool and wet slicking my asshole though! Shooting up into a sitting position, I kicked myself back so hard that I slammed into the headboard behind me. "No...fucking...way!" He glanced up, looking genuinely surprised. "What?" My jaw ticked. "You are not going there." Surprise turned into confusion. "Why not?" "Why not?" I gaped at him. "Why not? Do I look like anyone's pillow biter to you?" "Yeah, I was stunned at first too, but," a smile ghosted on his lips as he rested his hands on my knees, "you always want me inside of you." Just like that, I was sliding down to the mattress. My body wasn't just willing, it was eager for it. Proof of that was my own cock, hard and rigid as it twitched against my abs. "Wait," I said softly. "I've never..." I closed my eyes, tried to think. "I know I've never..." "Never what, Joel?" Walker lowered his head, trailed his lips over my quads, worked his way upward. His tongue flicked over my cock, making me writhe, forcing him to hang on or be knocked off the bed. "Ah, fuck," I rasped. - 10 -

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"I'm trying," said Walker, moving up my body again. His mouth found my nipples, and his teeth tugged and teased. I hissed as ripples of white-hot ecstasy shuddered through me. The head of his cock pressed against my hole. I tensed at the unfamiliar sensation, but the lube helped a lot. Weird. A little pressure. But he pretty much slid right in. "Oh," I said, relaxing as I went back to enjoying his mouth. "That wasn't so bad." "See?" He licked the crevice between my pecs. "I told you—" "I barely feel you at all." Walker's head shot up. "Barely..." In a flash I realized what that must have sounded like. "I didn't mean... It's just... You're such a little guy and every part of you is little —" He winced. I winced too, before trying again. "I'm just sayin' it doesn't hurt or anything having you there and that's a good thing, right?" His skin flushed a dusky shade of red. "I-I guess." Groaning, I grabbed his hand, rubbed his palm up and down the length of my dick. "That feels good," I breathed. Turning his hand, I coaxed his fingers to caress the head of my cock. "Fucking fantastic." A tentative smile shaped his lips. "Really?" I nodded, letting him go to see if he could handle me on his own. He could, and my head rocked back. "Oh yeah." His hand tightened on my shaft. It made me smile—he couldn't close his fingers around my thick meat. "Joel," he said, his voice hushed with awe, "you're so big." His other hand rose up, squeezed the bricks of muscles in my abs before sliding up to the slabs of flesh in my chest. "So hard." My mouth crooked, even as I felt myself spinning out of control. I'd known this would do it. Nothing got people off more than getting me off. "That's it." I swallowed, dropping back onto the mattress as something hot and carnal inside of me twisted tight. "Don't stop." Walker rubbed me harder. His grip was damned weak, but definitely getting the job done. Shit, I'd never felt this good before. And a fucking guy was doing it to me. His lips and tongue were on me again, and I tried not to think too much. Just concentrated on the friction and the heat and the whorls of pleasure. My muscles, his mouth. My cock, his hands. Walker's hips pumped against my ass, but even that didn't feel bad, exactly. Besides, everything else totally eclipsed that waning feeling of wrongness. Whether this was our first time or whether we'd fucked a million times... It didn't matter anymore. A small hand cupped my sac, and my balls tightened painfully. My cock jerked—hell, my whole body jerked—as I came in hot, white bursts all over my chest. I heard Walker moan, felt his prick stiffen right before a rush of warmth flowed out of him. He fell hard on top of me, burying his face in my chest as he gasped for air. My hands twisted into the sheets. I couldn't stop... I couldn't stop snaking, and I wasn't sure if it was because I felt just that great... Or just a little bit sick. Walker grabbed the outsides of my pecs, dragging himself up my body, rubbing his face against the curve of my neck. I could feel my slick cum on his skin, and it made me shiver. His fingers slipped into my hair as he straightened to look at me. "How are you feeling?" Those eyes...so dark... "I-I don't know." Shadows crept into the fringes of my vision. "I—" The breath spilled out of my lungs; I felt my chest sink as the air left me. Walker's eyebrows drew together. "Joel?" I shuddered and, just like that, I could breathe again. Shaking my head, I tried to look away from his eyes, but they were the focal point of the room. Of my world. "Sorry," I whispered. "Tired." He caressed my cheek. A feathery brush against my skin. His pupils swirled into his irises, and his irises swirled outward into the whites of his eyes. The spirals expanded, growing and merging until they became one. Then the design spun faster, engulfing my entire held of vision and making me so dizzy that soon I couldn't do anything but shut my own eyes. And fall into the darkness.

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Frowning, I looked around the dorm room as I buttoned up my shirt. Something was off. I couldn't put my ringer on it, but something was definitely off. When I woke up this morning, I thought the feeling just came from being freaked out about fucking Walker Cain last night. I'd hoped it had just been some whacked dream, but I'd checked my nightstand drawer and found a half used bottle of lube. Walker wasn't around—he had early morning classes—and I counted my blessings for that. A hot shower and several curse words later, I still couldn't figure out why that had happened. But now it was ten a.m. and I was on to a whole new set of creeps. I felt weird. Or the room felt weird. Something felt weird. It was like those first few days after you move in. You have all your stuff unpacked, but the place isn't familiar yet. You're unsettled. That's what I'd been feeling all morning. All my stuff was here, but it still seemed unfamiliar. The door opened and Walker strode in, grinning broadly as he held up a paper bag. "Oh good! You're still here. I brought bagels!" I paused as my gaze slid over him. He looked...good. He'd decided to do something with his hair this morning—it was thicker, shinier. He stood straighter, so it made him look taller. The clothes he'd picked out actually made him seem a little thicker. "Hey, Walker. I'm not really hungry." "Oh." He walked past me, set the bagels on my desk. "I'll leave them here for you then." Turning to face me, he slipped his arms around my waist. "Did you sleep okay, lover?" Panic made me act without thinking, and I knocked him back, slamming him into the wall. "Don't call me that!" His hand went to his shoulder as he stared up at me, his eyes wide and hurting. I instantly felt guilty. Crossing over to him, I awkwardly cupped my hands around his thin arms. It surprised me to find them harder than I'd expected. "I-I didn't mean to push you like that." I straightened away from him, grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder. "Just don't go around saying that we..." God, I couldn't even say it out loud. "I know," he said softly. "Everything we do is a secret." Christ. Those eyes were so big. And wet. He looked like those girls who didn't want me to leave their rooms in the morning. I hated that look. Sighing under my breath, I lowered my head, hesitated, lowered it some more. My lips barely touched his and he gasped as I brushed our mouths together in a brief kiss. "Be good," I said, straightening again. He tilted his head to the side. "What?" I chuckled. "I don't know. I say it sometimes to girls, like a joke. Doesn't seem to work for us, though." I went through a list of things I usually said to girls that they tended to like, but nothing seemed to fit. Except...maybe... "You smell nice," I said, gauging his reaction. His eyes rounded. "I do?" "Yeah, like flowers or something." "Hyacinth." He shrugged, the strange confusion still in his face. "My whole family smells like them." I nodded, feeling awkward as hell. "What is that, like gypsy magic?" The confusion vanished as his eyes went dark. "You could say that." Had I fucked up again? If so, I was shit out of luck. "Walker, the 'you smell nice' thing is pretty much all I've got. We cool?" Walker surprised me by laughing. "Yes, Joel. We're cool." "Alright." I turned and started to leave. "Joel?" I glanced over my shoulder. The humor left his face as he suddenly looked worried. "H-Have a good day." My mouth crooked. "What are you, my wife?" I opened the door. "See ya later." After I'd closed it behind me, I reached up to tap my hand against a hanging light in the hallway. Usually my palm caught it solidly, but somehow I missed and only grazed it with my fingers. Frowning, I almost went back to try again, but I was already late for class so I jogged out of the dorm. - 12 -

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As I ran across campus, I decided that Walker wasn't so bad, and last night did feel good. One time was no big deal, and it didn't mean I was gay or anything. It wasn't like I'd ever let it happen again. But he was a nice guy, so I'd have to find a way to break it to him easy when I got home tonight.

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3 Was I smaller? God, what a stupid thought. But was I? I looked around the classroom, bothered by that same sense of unfamiliarity I'd felt back at the dorm this morning. And my seat felt different. More comfortable. Which wasn't a bad thing, but I was used to my bulk cramping me up in these small desks. My gaze drifted back to my notebook, and I absently doodled on the corner of the paper. My pen went round and round. I didn't really think about it. "Mr. Beckett, would you care to give us a brief summary of Robert Browning's poem?" I glanced up, realized that I'd spent half the class daydreaming. Knowing I couldn't possibly answer her question, I just flashed her my most charming smile. "Sorry, Professor Ackerly. My mind wandered for a second. You know how it is, right?" Her fair skin tinted red. I knew she had a crush on me—all the girl profs had a crush on me. "O-Of course. Just don't let it happen again." "I won't." I winked at her. "Promise." She swallowed hard and moved on with her lecture, tripping slightly in her delicate shoes as she walked. I leaned forward to catch a look at her ass as it curved gently under her skirt. How much trouble would I get into for fucking a professor?

I walked into the locker room and dropped my bag onto the bench. As soon as I whipped my shirt off over my head, Sam jumped onto my back, laughing as he hung on to my shoulders. "Heard you made Tiffany a little sore today!" My stomach lurched, and I turned my head. "Where'd you hear that?" He grinned. "Saw her walking funny on the quad just now. Everyone says there was an awful lot of heavy breathing coming from her room, and that you were the one walkin' out of it after." He squeezed me tight. "Middle of the day and didn't even try to keep it quiet. You're such a dog!" My muscles were working harder than usual to support him. Had he been bulking up? "Yeah... I wore her out." I looked away, shrugged him off of me and went back to changing. My brow furrowed as I remembered this afternoon with Tiffany. I hadn't been exaggerating. I'd really worn her out. And I never came. The need was there. My cock was hard and raring to go. But no matter how long, how hard I'd pumped her, I couldn't get that bit of pressure—that extra little push of desire—I needed to carry me through. I probably would have ridden her for hours if she hadn't begged me to stop. I felt horrible about it. Even worse now. Didn't know I'd made her sore. "Hey, Sam?" "Yeah?" I kept my gaze on the floor as I suited up. "Is she... Is she okay?" "Tiffany?" He snickered. "Fuck yeah! Better than okay! Whatever you did to her has her grinnin' ear-toear." The frown left my face. Well, that was something, at least. But something was obviously wrong with me. I didn't want to schedule an appointment with the infirmary, but I didn't want any important parts falling off, either. Sam stepped in front of me. "Ready to go kick some ass?" Grinning, I looked up. "It's just practice, S-" The smile vanished from my mouth. "What's wrong?" he asked, reaching over his head and giving himself a stretch. I fell back a step as the foggy, uneasy feeling that had been nagging at me all day snapped into harsh focus. It wasn't my imagination. The proof was standing right in front of me as I stared at my best friend. I was smaller. - 14 -

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Usually, I could see over Sam's head with a couple inches to spare. Now, though, the spiked style he'd gelled into his hair actually obscured the bottom half of my view of what was behind him. Sam dropped his arms. "Joel?" I glanced down at myself, tugged at my jersey. Everything fit the way it always had. My uniform, my shoes. But I'd missed the light fixture this morning, there'd been more room in my chair, and now...now I could barely see over Sam's head. "I..." Sam grabbed my helmet, thrust it into my chest before getting his own. "C'mon! Let's go! You know how Coach is always yellin' at us to hustle." He didn't seem to notice. No one did. Stunned, not knowing what else to do, I followed him out onto the field. My performance sucked. At first, I kept trying to compensate for my lack of height, and fumbled the ball every time I went for it. It took me half an hour to realize that my teammates weren't aware of the change, so I didn't have to try and play like someone taller. So my team was used to me being shorter. Okay. But I wasn't. Which opened up a new set of problems. Little things. Figuring out that I had to push my legs just a shade harder to get the same distance out of them. Getting used to needing a new grip on the ball. Having to pour more power into my muscles to blow past guys who tried to tackle me. I'd never been yelled at so much by a coach. Not even when I was just learning the game in junior high. Practice was almost over by the time I settled into my groove again, and by the end of it I was soaked through with sweat. Coach called time, and I hunched forward, bracing my hands on my knees as I sucked in deep drags of air. Sam jogged over to me, chuckling. "What the hell was that?" I looked up, shook my head. "Don't know." I took another deep breath. "I don't feel so good, I guess." He grinned, grabbing my arm and pulling me up. "That's why you shouldn't fuck before practice." He gave me a push toward the locker rooms. "Saps your focus and your mojo." Pulling off my helmet, I rubbed the back of my neck as I walked beside him. "That's probably it," I murmured, although I knew damned well sex with Tiffany hadn't done this to me. Something tried to make a connection in my brain, and I just about had it when a few of my teammates ran by, pounding me on the back while they told me to hang in there. I glanced up, smiled uncertainly. "Seriously," said Sam as we strode into the locker room. "Everyone has an off day. Even the Great Joel Beckett. Don't let it get to you." "Sam." I took a shallow breath and forced myself to meet his gaze. "Do I look different to you?" "Different? How?" I shrugged. "Dunno. Smaller?" He snorted. "No way. You're the same six-four monster you always were." He looked me over. "I hate that I gotta work twice as hard to get half your results at the gym." "Six-four?" I frowned. "I'm six foot six." Sam laughed. "You got enough padding in your helmet?" He nodded to a guy on the other side of the room. "Henderson's six-five, and he's the tallest guy on the team." I stared at Chad Henderson's back a few seconds. We'd never been buddies—he was always trying to take my spot—and I didn't want to believe Sam just then. My helmet slipped from my fingers, dropped to the floor as I crossed the room. "Hey, Chad." He turned, cocking a blond eyebrow as he smirked down at me. "Nice job on the field today, Beckett." My heart skittered inside my chest. An inch. It was just an inch. But that slight tilt to his head, that fucking condescending look on his face, it made me feel... Inferior. I stretched myself taller, couldn't make up for the missed height. I was still broader, and my muscles were a helluva lot more defined, but somehow I felt less standing in front of him. Like I'd lost ground within the team. "I'll make it up tomorrow," I said coolly. His mouth crooked higher. "You goin' to Feehan's party this weekend?" Craig Feehan had a party almost every week. I never missed them, because going meant getting laid inside an hour, but in front of Chad I felt compelled to play it cool. "Can't say for sure. Hadn't really thought - 15 -

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about it." He chuckled, patting my shoulder as he walked past me. "Maybe you should think about runnin' some drills instead." My eyes narrowed as I watched him disappear into the showers. Sam came up to me. "You two are gonna butt heads until you graduate, aren't ya?" Some of the tension left my body and I forced a smile. "Probably." "Let's go get washed up," he pulled off his jersey, "before Henderson's big ass uses up all the hot water." Rolling the aches from my shoulders, I nodded and stripped off my own clothes. The hot water did a lot to soothe me as it flowed over my skin. The jokes and laughter of the guys faded under the sound of the spray, and I dipped my head forward, watched as soapy water dripped from my hair to the tiled floor. The suds followed a swirling path into the drain. Around and around. A never-ending spiral. I blinked. Lemon-lime soda. Walker and his art project. A steamy, hot shower. Round and round... "That's why you shouldn't fuck before practice. Saps your focus and your mojo." It wasn't Tiffany. I couldn't even come with Tiffany. The last person I'd come with was... Round and... "You want to keep staring at this, don't you?" "You want to drop your towel, don't you?" "You want me, don't you?" Round. Ink on Walker's hand. That hand on my cock. Spirals, twisting and turning, spinning and whirling. Wrapping around me, snaking inside of me. I said yes, over and over again. I kissed him from head to toe. I wanted him. Last night wasn't our first time together. I'd let him fuck me right there on the floor yesterday afternoon. That scent like flowers... Gypsy magic... Want me... Lifting my head, I stared at the wall as water streamed into my eyes. I didn't understand what the fuck was going on, but I knew that Walker Cain stood in the center of that spiral.

I slammed the door so hard behind me that it rattled in its frame. "Walker!" His head shot up. "Joel?" He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, a book cradled in his hands. Growling, I grabbed his shirt, dragging him off the mattress and slamming him against the opposite wall. "What the fuck did you do to me?" His dark eyes went wide. "I-I didn't do anything." "Don't give me that bullshit!" My fingers locked around his wrist as I pinned it hard beside his head. "Yesterday you painted something on your hand and rubbed it into my skin! Now all kinds of weird shit's happening to me!" Walker's breath caught. "You remember that?" My jaw ticked. "Yeah I remember, you little freak. " I lowered my head. "What... the hell... did you do?" He tried to glance away; I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me. "I cast a spell." - 16 -

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Out of everything I thought he might say, that was the last thing I'd expected to hear. I thought he'd drugged me, or even hypnotized me. But a spell? "Be serious." "I am serious, " he whispered. My grip tightened, making him wince. "Like voodoo or something?" His face hardened, just slightly. "Voodoo is an entirely different class of magic. The kind in my blood has been around since the very first family on Earth, if you believe the legends." I didn't have time for stupid stories. "Do you have any idea what I've been through today? I tried to fuck Tiffany Miller and couldn't come. When I got to football practice I realized I—" "You tried to have sex with someone else?" asked Walker, all hardness vanishing as his eyes went big again. This time with pain. "Really?" A tremor of guilt went through me, but it burned away when I remembered that I was the one who'd been screwed over here. "Don't even try to play the victim. Tell me what's going on and how you're going to fix it." He stared up at me as if he still couldn't believe I'd tried to fuck someone else. "I wanted you to want me... Cain blood... It's taking longer than I thought... " His eyes crinkled at the corners as they filled with tears. "Until the spell is complete, you can only gain release with me." "What?" My mouth worked a few times as I tried to sort out that last part. "Are you saying I can only come if I fuck you?" "I-It shouldn't have even been an issue, because you were supposed to want me. " His free hand went to my chest, trembled as it slid downward. "You do want me. " His forehead fell against one of my pecs. "You do." I sucked in my breath as my cock leapt painfully in my jeans. My body stiffened as I tried to fight the arousal tearing through my system. "Stop it." His fingers unfastened a button on my shirt, slipped inside to caress my hot, bare skin. I shuddered. "Walker." He nuzzled my shirt as the pads of his fingers grazed over my tight nipple. I bit back a groan. "What about the other stuff?" "Family spell," he murmured. "Sometimes unpredictable." He lifted my shirt, and soft lips worshiped each brick of muscle lining my abs. "I can take it, though." His hands fluttered to my jeans, unfastened the catch. "As long as you want me." Nothing he was saying made any sense. "Walker," I said, breathing hard as he slid down my zipper and dropped to his knees, "what're you—" "Want me, Joel." Oh, fuck. I did. Falling forward, I braced my forearms on the wall, pushed my forehead against my crossed wrists as I squeezed my eyes shut. Walker's fingers reached into the slot of my boxers and hefted out my dick. His hand felt different than it had last night. Bigger. Stronger. Damned good. My cock, having been grievously disappointed earlier today, ached and strained with the need for release. My muscles tensed with it; my thighs shook with it as I took a wider stance. Walker's warm, wet mouth closed around the head of my dick, and my desire spun wild and fierce. His smooth lips slid down my shaft, and I felt myself engulfed by the spiral that had been swirling at the edges of my senses since yesterday. I thrust my hips forward, desperate for more. His hands slid to curve over my ass, desperate to take me. He swallowed me deep, but still couldn't take my whole cock. I bit hard on my lip to keep from complaining about his size again. After all, most chicks couldn't swallow the full ten inches either. His tongue swirled around my shaft as he sucked on my flesh. A crazy rhythm. Hard until I thought the blood would bust right out of my veins, then so soft that he had me trembling and making sounds I'd never made before. Needy sounds. Begging sounds. Walker's hands tightened on my ass as he sucked me deep and very, very hard. After wanting it so long, it pushed me over the edge. My orgasm exploded out of me with a roar as I shot my load down his throat. He swallowed it greedily, - 17 -

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didn't even break his rhythm as he kept sucking me down. I kept coming. Intense, almost painful bursts. The pressure had been building all day, and I groaned with the ecstasy of finally having it tapped. Dark spirals... Spinning spinning... Wrapping around me... Dragging me... Down... My forearms slid lower on the wall. My biceps, which had been crowding the crooks of my elbows for space, eased back. I felt my shoulders tightening up, even as my thighs spread apart. No, that wasn't right. My thighs weren't spreading. I hadn't moved my feet since Walker's mouth first brushed against my cock. They just weren't touching each other anymore. As I inhaled, I needed less and less air to fill my lungs. What was... What was happening to me? A never-ending spiral... Round and round... This time, I fought the desire to fall into the darkness, to fall asleep. Bracing my hands against the wall, I pushed myself back, straightened as I opened my eyes. "W-Walker?" Grabbing hold of my shirt, he pulled himself up, and the top of his head collided with my chin. "Ow!" I fell back a step, rubbing my jaw. "Fuck, Walker! Watch where you're—" Wait. How had he... I glanced up, stared at him in shock. He stared back at me, his eyes just as wide. No way was he five foot four anymore. He had to be at least four inches taller. And that wasn't the only change. His body had a shape to it now. Broader shoulders tapered down to a tight waist, forming a slim triangle. His legs looked strong under his dark slacks. "What happened to you, Walker?" Surprised by the timbre of my voice, I coughed into my hand to clear my throat. His dark gaze traveled the length of my body. "You've changed too." I looked down at myself, stumbled backward. The jeans around my thighs tripped me up and I fell onto his bed. I couldn't believe what I saw. My muscles were still hard and cut, but everything was on a smaller scale. My pecs didn't jut out as far, my quads weren't fighting as hard against each other for room. As my arms fell to my sides, I realized that they fell closer to my body—meaning my wings had been clipped, just a little. I was still big, but no one would call me a monster. "What..." I looked up at him again. "What is this?" He shook his head. "It's some kind of transference." His hands darted to the collar of his shirt and he looked inside. Then he burst into soft, relieved laughter. "Oh, thank God." He glanced up, grinning. "Trust me, Joel, Cains don't thank God often, so you know I really mean it." Confusion weakened my mind, and the darkness tried to drive forward again. I forced it back. "What are you talking about?" His smile didn't waver. "With all your talk about girls last night and this morning, I thought I was actually turning into a girl." He laughed again. "Especially when I noticed my chest getting bigger." He took a deep, happy breath as he rubbed his new pecs. "That's why they tell us not to cast the big spell until we're older. We only get one chance at it, and the phrasing can kick you in the ass sometimes. I wanted you to want me, and so I thought, well, since you were straight..." He was talking so fast, and I didn't understand any of it. "Whatever you did, take it back. Make me the way I was!" His smile faded. "I can't," he said gently. Walker held up a finger. "One chance. That's all I get. Now we just have to ride it through." "Ride it through?" Nausea roiled in my stomach. "What's going to happen!" - 18 -

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"Can't really say for sure." A faint curve shaped his full lips. "Other than you'll belong to me." I shuddered, struggled to comprehend. Walker shook his head again. "You shouldn't be able to remember the old lives—I messed up somewhere there. No idea how." He leaned forward. "This life is pretty good, don't you think? We have sex all the time, and you don't throw me against a wall when I try to hug you." My head cramped, and I scrubbed at my face as I tried to stem the pain. "You talk like those are facts, but I don't remember any of it." "You don't remember..." His voice dropped. "You only remember the first life? The original one?" I nodded at the floor. "Oh, shit. I messed up more than I thought, then." His tone softened, went sympathetic. "I can fill you in on as much as I know about you. We still don't hang out very much, though. Maybe in the next one." "Next one?" I lifted my head, shaking with confusion and anger and fear. "What the hell are you, Walker?" He walked toward me, and his jet-black hair caught the light as he moved. "Long time ago, there were two brothers. One killed the other, and the one who lived was marked, cursed to wander the earth." His eyes darkened, seemed bottomless as he spoke. "They say his descendants were marked, too. They say you can tell who they are because they carry the scent of hyacinth, without the aid of perfume." He leaned down, caressed my cheek. "It's just a story though. No one knows if that's really where we got our name." I scrambled away from his touch, ramming back against the wall. "Stay the fuck away from me." "Ah, Joel." He crawled forward on the mattress, his new muscles—my muscles—giving him a grace he'd never had before. "You don't want that." I sat in front of him, frozen in place. "I don't want that," I whispered. He smiled, his hands on my ankles, on my shins, my thighs. "In fact, you want us to be naked and writhing together right now, don't you?" He straightened on his knees and slipped off his shirt, revealing a lean, but chiseled body. My own body trembled, even as my cock stiffened, even as I reached for him. "Yes"

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4 My eyes followed the path of the second hand as it ticked around the clock. 11:05. Tuning out the professor, I wrote the time in the margin of my notes. Then I wrote it backwards. 5'11. Well look at that. My new height. I was obsessed with numbers now. Chad was six foot five. Sam was six foot two. Walker was... My hand tightened on my pen. Walker was sucking the life out of me. If he said it, I wanted it, no matter how much I tried to resist. How could he have that much power? Just because he might be a descendant of Cain? The Cain? I thought God punished that guy. Big time. Instead, I was the one getting punished. What the hell had I done to deserve this? At least he hadn't touched me over the last week and a half. I only went to the dorm room to sleep now, and he hadn't tried to crawl into bed with me or anything. So maybe he was finished playing around. Maybe this was as bad as it would get. Amazingly, I was still first-string in football. Not the star by a longshot, and that first day trying to adjust to five-eleven had Coach muttering about cutting me. I buckled down and caught on, though, working like a dog to figure out how I'd gotten on the team in the first place. It came to me after hours of sweat and bruises. In this life, I was quick, not strong. Don't get me wrong, I still had a powerful body. But my muscles were tightly packed now, sleek because they were built more for speed. Six pack: check. Pecs that pushed forward against my shirt: check. An ass and thighs that filled my jeans: check and check. But all of it was so much... less. I didn't make the same impact I used to. People didn't gawk at me when I walked into a room anymore. Hell, they barely glanced up at all these days. I ran my fingers through my hair, fought back a loud sigh. I was still hot, in a model kinda way. Girls were still askin' me out. Of course, I couldn't say yes to any of them. A week and a half. No sex. When was the last time I'd gone that long? I couldn't even remember. Professor Ackerly placed a sheet of paper on my desk and moved on to the next one. I frowned at the red mark scrawled in the corner: A . Most profs gave jocks some leeway with grades. But I'd never gotten an A before in Ackerly's class. Not even in my real life. At first I thought maybe the me in this world was a brain and I didn't know it, but when I took a closer look at the paper, I saw it was one I'd written myself a couple days ago. With my own clunky brain. The students around me started shifting in their seats, and I realized the hour was up already. Forgetting about the grade, I slid the paper into a folder and slid my stuff into my bag. Professor Ackerly stopped me just as I was about to leave. "Mr. Beckett? A word?" I paused, walked over to her desk. "Sure, Professor. " I grinned. "Whatcha need?" "I wanted to speak with you about your paper." Stopping short, I looked her over. No blushes. No aroused nervousness. She really did just want to talk about school stuff. Shit. Kill me now. "Uh, yeah. " I started to reach into my bag. "I figured it was a mistake." "It wasn't a mistake, Mr. Beckett." I glanced up, my hand still shoved in my bag. "Huh?" "Your analysis of Robert Browning's My Last Duchess was, " she shook her head, "inspired." My brow furrowed as I wondered if reality had slipped another notch down the spiral without me noticing. Professor Ackerly leaned forward. "I've never had a student interpret the poem from the painting's point of view before. The way you described the duchess's rage and helplessness as she was forced to watch her husband speak so casually about her death was incredibly emotional." I blinked at her, drew my hand out of my backpack and zipped it up. "Thanks." - 20 -

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"You have a lot of raw talent, Joel. I'm surprised it hasn't shown up before now. " She reached out, placed a slender hand on my shoulder. "Have you considered taking some writing courses? Beyond the requirements for graduation?" Ackerly didn't try to edge closer, cop a feel, nothing. So I'd swapped out animal magnetism for one good paper? And more schoolwork? Didn't seem like a fair trade to me. "Nah, hadn't thought about it." "I really think you should—" "I gotta go, Professor. " I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the room. "Thanks for the A. It'll bring my whole average up." As I walked out of the building, I thought about the lady in the poem. She'd been happy and free and fun, then the fucking duke kills her and all that's left is her portrait. The only time she gets to smile is when he pulls back the curtain, and she's forced to smile at him. I didn't get that A because I was inspired. I got that A because Walker had taught me exactly how she felt.

I blanched when Sam clapped me on the shoulder. "Why do you always do that, man?" he asked, whipping off his clothes to put on his gear. My gaze dipped to his body, swollen thick with muscle, and I fought the urge to cover mine. "Do what?" "Cringe when I touch you. " He winked at me. "I ain't gonna hurt ya." I forced a chuckle, pulling my uniform on over my padding. Christ. Even when I was fully suited up, Sam's body was bigger than mine. "I know." He hopped as he pulled on his pants. "You're my boy. I'm pretty careful with you, right?" Three inches isn't all that much! I wanted to scream. "Right, " I murmured, as I stared at his nose, as I tried not to notice how his shoulders eclipsed mine. I wanted to scream, but it would have been pointless. Being three inches shorter than Sam was huge. It had changed the entire scope of my friendship with him. Before, he'd worshiped the ground I'd walked on, was even a little afraid of me. Now I was the one intimidated, and he got a kick out of being bigger, stronger. He loved having a 'little buddy' under his wing on the team. "Oh, Joel, I heard Coach is letting someone new try out today." I frowned as I pulled on my jersey. "Someone new? This late in the season?" He shrugged. "Says the kid has potential, just wants to give him a chance." Tremors of unease went through me. "Do you know who it is?" "No, but—" "Hi, Joel." I spun, found myself standing eye-to-eye with Walker Cain. "What the hell are you doing here?" He smiled, showing off perfect white teeth as his pitch-black hair curled around his ears. "Coach Roberts is letting me try out today." "You?" I said, my voice dull. "You don't even like football." "Actually, I like it a lot. " His grin widened. "Played all the time at home, and even in high school. I lost my nerve when I got to college, though. Didn't think I was big enough. " His playful gaze roamed my body. "Watching you in action gave me the courage to give it a shot." I hated these spinning realities. I hated that he always knew the histories while I was left to muddle through. "Well isn't that just great." Walker took a step forward, and I resisted the urge to take a step back. "Coach said it would take a while to find a uniform that fit me, but I told him not to worry about it, that you were my roommate and we were the same size. " His voice softened, as if he was telling me an inside joke. "Exactly the same size, in fact." My fingers curled into a fist. We weighed exactly the same, we were exactly the same height, our muscles even had exactly the same shape to them. But I was seeing so much red right now that I was pretty sure I could take him down without a problem. Sam leaned on my shoulder. "C'mon, Joel. Let the newbie get suited up while we get warmed up on the field." Walker's dark gaze flicked to Sam's arm and back to my eyes. - 21 -

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Reaching to my side, I snapped open my locker. "Take what you want. " I turned my back on him, Sam close behind. "You always do." Once outside, I tried not to make my deep, steadying breath too obvious. "Your roommate is fucking creepy, Joel." "Creepy doesn't even begin to describe, " I said, before stopping to glance up at him. "Wait, you still think he's creepy?" Sam hissed through his teeth. "Hell yeah. The way he looks at you makes my skin crawl. Like he owns you or something. I know I've told you this before, but be careful around him, okay?" Sam had warned me about Walker in this life. Which meant he'd probably warned me about him in the one before this, and the one before that. Shaking my head, I jogged onto the field. "You are a wise, wise man. You know that?" He laughed as he ran beside me. "Sure do. You should listen to me more." God, he had no idea how much I wished I'd done just that.

Beads of sweat rolled down my face as I crouched on the grass for another set of sprints. Walker crouched beside me, breathing hard. "You're pretty fast, Joel." "Shut up." He chuckled. "Never thought there would be a day I could keep up with you. I'm having the time of my life." I leaned forward, listening for that whistle. "Why are you even doing this?" "Because, roomie, " he leaned forward too, keeping his form identical to mine, "we spend less time together now than we ever did before. I figure this is a good way for us to hang out." I gritted my teeth, the whistle blew, and I took off running. Walker held his own the entire practice. He kept up with me almost the whole way through. The only real advantages I had were my experience and a more natural feel for the game. I took what I could get. At one point, we got separated for different sets of drills. I can't say I was disappointed. Tommy Wilkens, the top quarterback, threw a beautiful pass that sailed across the field. I raced after it, made it into position with plenty of time. For a second, I stood staring, entranced by the spiral of the ball as it hurtled toward me. And then I caught it, held it against my chest. Perfect. I whipped off my helmet, smiled at the ball tucked in my arm. It felt good, knowing I could still— "Joel!" Frowning, I wondered what the fuck Walker could possibly want now. Before I could find out, before I could even glance up, a huge wall of muscle crashed into me, driving me into the ground. My vision swirled, went black a moment. When the color returned, it came with a whole lot of pain and a realization that I couldn't breathe. I started coughing, trying to force air back into my lungs, trying to understand what happened as the coppery taste of blood spilled over my tongue. Chad Henderson pushed himself off of me and jumped to his feet. "Sorry, Beckett," he said, smirking as he brushed off his hands. "You wouldn't understand, but sometimes it's hard for big guys to stop on a dime once we've got our momentum going." Using the back of my hand, I wiped the blood off my split lip as I glared up at him. Chad shrugged and strutted away. "Joel!" Walker dropped to his knees beside me, grabbed one of my shoulders. "Are you okay?" I knocked his hand away. "Fine." He ducked his head, forced me to look into those bottomless eyes. "That guy's not your friend in this life?" "He was never my friend. Chad hates me in every life." Bile rose from deep inside me, mingling with the blood in my mouth. It was foul. "Thanks to you he finally gets to do something about it." Walker's eyes narrowed and he glanced over his shoulder, staring at Chad as he gave his cronies high - 22 -

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fives. "I didn't know." I grabbed my helmet and staggered to my feet. Without looking back, I went on to complete my next drill. I pushed past the pain; I pushed myself harder than I ever had before. And I made damned sure to keep my distance from Walker and stay out of Chad's way. When Coach called time, I stood on the fifty-yard line, staring at the empty stands. Would they ever cheer my name again? Somehow I didn't think so. I was good, but so was everyone else. Which made me one of those no 'I' in 'team' guys. I could deal with that, though. As long as I could be on this field, and hear them cheer. As long as I could have a piece of my old life. "Hey," said Sam, walking up to me. "Great hustle today." Shaking my head, I understood why I was really standing here. I was trying to say goodbye. "I think I might lose my spot." Skepticism threaded his voice. "Why?" Because Walker wanted it. "You saw how my roommate did, didn't you?" "He was good. As fast as you for sure. But no way will he take your place." I turned my head, tilted it up so I could look into his eyes. Such a strange feeling. But then, so was getting slammed into the ground by Chad Henderson. "What makes you say that?" He grinned, chucked me on the chin. "Because any idiot can see you want it more. You got passion and talent, and there's no faking that. He could be twice as fast and he still couldn't take your spot." I started to smile, had to stop because it hurt my busted lip. "Thanks." "Still," he said, his face going serious. "You could stand to work on your stamina. And it wouldn't hurt you to bulk up." He flexed his pecs, pushing his shelf of a chest forward. "If you want, you can start working out with me." Blowing out a soft breath, I tried not to feel sorry for myself as I nodded. "Do you think you could run a few extra drills with me?" "Sure, but only half an hour." His chest swelled even more. "Got a date with Tiffany later." "Tiffany? Really?" I scratched my cheek. "I just went out—" "Oh, dude, don't even try it." "What?" I asked, genuinely confused. He held his hand an inch above my head. "Everyone knows you gotta be at least this tall to get on that ride." Tiffany had a height requirement? I chuckled—partly out of humor, partly out of self-pity—as I realized just how much I'd taken for granted in that other life. And every day it just seemed more and more like a dream. "Right," I mumbled. "My bad." "No problem. We all like to stretch it sometimes." He ruffled my hair. "Just be sure you can back up your story. I'll let it slide, but someone else would give you a hard time." Smoothing my hair back, I tried not to be irritated by his attitude. He didn't mean anything by it. "Alright, let's make the most of this half-hour." "Cool." Sam tossed his helmet aside. "Let's run, work on your piss-ass stamina." "Sounds good." I jumped in place, shook out my muscles. Once I felt ready, I cast a sidelong grin at him. "Oh, and Sam?" "Yeah?" I leaned forward, prepared to run. "When you're with Tiffany tonight, flick your tongue in her belly button." His nose wrinkled. "Her belly button? Why?" "Trust me, drives her wild. It's something I...heard." He laughed and shook his head. "Okay," he said, in a tone that let me know he was giving me the benefit of the doubt because we were friends. "I'll try anything once, little man." My smile faded. Three inches. Fucking Walker. I pushed forward, determined to force a few more laps out of my tired legs. This was my life now. I'd work hard. I'd find a way to make it my own. Hopefully, by the grace of God, no one would take it from me. My jaw clenched, and I ran harder, ran away from the truth I knew was - 23 -

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chasing me. My choices, my will, didn't matter. In the end, it would always be the same. I wanted what Walker wanted.

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5 My legs trembled as I stood in the locker room shower. Oh, God. They didn't just tremble. They quaked. With a shaking hand, I turned on the water, leaned heavily against the wall as I let the heat sink into me. "That's it," I whispered. "Just relax." Man, I'd never worked so hard. All my life, things had come easy for me, and although I worked, in the grand scheme of things most of my hours had been spent coasting. Today I'd pushed my body to its absolute limit. After Sam had left the field, I'd kept going. Running, sit-ups, pushups, anything I could think of. Had to get faster; had to get stronger. Didn't come in until the groundskeeper turned off the field lights, and my muscles were pissed as hell at me for it. But they were feeling better now. Slowly... Slowly... I smiled down at the tile. "You looked really good out there, Joel." The smile slipped from my face as I turned my head. Still leaning against the wall, I looked at Walker, standing naked a few feet from me. Tendrils of steam wound around his body—a helix of white mist against brown skin. His sleek muscles looked hard and sharp, giving subtle flexes with every breath. My nerve-endings tingled, and I frowned. That couldn't be arousal I felt, could it? He hadn't said the words yet, and I wasn't... "Go away," I said, unable to dwell too deeply on what my body was telling me. His gaze dipped to my mouth. "How's your lip?" "I told you." I tore my gaze from him, stared at the wall in front of me. "Fine." Suddenly his smooth, husky voice was right in my ear. "I have a home remedy that will take the swelling down. I'll wait for you—" "Leave me alone." His knuckles grazed the curve of my biceps. "I can't." I shivered. "Why not?" "It's been so long since we've touched. " His head eased closer to mine. "I've missed you." My body tensed as I shook my head at the wall. "You're just going to keep going until you have everything I've got, aren't you?" "I don't want everything you've got. I just want you." A shudder went through me, and I couldn't tell if it was from disgust or arousal or oncoming tears. "You expect me to believe that shit? I'm not even the same guy I was two weeks ago." His fingers slipped along my jaw, gently guided my face around. "You have beautiful eyes, you know that? The same leaf-green as the day I met you." I gasped, jerked my head free from his hand. "Don't worry, Joel. " He leaned his shoulder against the wall as his gaze slid over me. "I won't try anything here. If we got caught in the middle of things, neither of us are big enough to fight off someone who might jump us." I watched the water stream over his skin in glistening rivulets, cling to his long lashes in tiny crystalline drops. Everything about him was mesmerizing, and I didn't want to be drawn in to his spell. So I bit hard on my lip as I tried to break it. His eyes rounded as he straightened. "Joel." Needles of pain pierced through me as fresh blood trickled into my mouth. But it worked. My head was clear. Walker exhaled heavily, ran a slow hand through his soaked hair. "Tonight. " He walked past me and out of the showers. "When you come home tonight, I'll move us forward. " He glanced over his shoulder, his eyebrows drawn together in an expression I couldn't identify. "Maybe then things will be better." I clenched my fists, anger burning away fear, helplessness rooting my feet in place. "It's never going to get better, Walker! Can't you get that through your gypsy... Cain... bible-cursed skull!" His face hardened and he turned, storming out of sight. - 25 -

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My back thumped against the wall, and I slid to the floor as water rained over me. Tonight, Walker was going to change everything again. I'd blustered and insulted, but I hadn't told him the truth, because that would have led to me begging and I still had too much pride for that. I curled forward, cradled my face in my hands as I admitted it to myself. "I can't... I'm not strong enough for more change."

I stood in the center of the quad, staring up at the moon as I wondered what time it was. 11: 05, maybe? Man, I'd never thought I'd want to stay five-eleven so badly. Since Walker had cast his spell, I'd been fighting him every step of the way. It's how I usually handled things—and it had always worked before—but this time it wasn't doing me any good. I could just run. Leave everything behind. I had about ten bucks in my pocket and a full tank of gas. How far would that get me? Ah, hell. I spun, intending to find out. A cheerful, feminine voice stopped me in my tracks. "Bit late for a stroll, isn't it?" I turned my head, saw the girl. Familiar. Black frame glasses, a bright red hoodie with some kind of... ninja kitten embroidered on the front left shoulder. Frayed wool slacks that tapered down to a pair of combat boots. It was the boots that finally jogged my memory. "April?" She beamed at me. "It's nice to see you again, Joel." My brow furrowed. "You know my name." "Well yeah. " Clutching a thick book to her breasts, she closed the distance between us. "You were so nice before, picking up my books." She remembered that? I looked down at her, noticed that the curves I'd thought small and flat before seemed soft and inviting from this angle. "The way I remember it, I was the one who knocked them off the table in the first place." April laughed. "True, but—and no offense—most jocks would have walked on by without saying a word about it. The fact that you actually backtracked really made an impression on me." No stuttering, definitely no shyness. I didn't intimidate her the way I had that day, for sure. Made sense, I guess. I was a hundred pounds lighter now. I'd always liked the way girls kinda cowered around me, but in the face of what had been happening lately... This was a breath of fresh air. "What are you..." I met her gaze. "What are you doing out so late?" She sighed. "Library booted me. They close at eleven-thirteen on weeknights. How bizarre is that? Not eleven. Not eleven-thirty. Eleven-thirteen." She shook her head in disbelief. "I know they live and die by the Dewey Decimal System in there, but hello! Those of us in the real world need our numbers round." I smiled, winced in pain. "Hey," she said, leaning forward. "What happened to your mouth?" "Busted it during football practice." "Giving it up to the sports gods, huh?" April tossed her book to me. "I have something that might make it feel better." I caught the book, held it in one hand as I watched her swing her backpack to the front and root around in one of its pockets. "Here we go." She pulled out a tiny plastic box, flipped it open and dipped her little finger inside. "This should help." I straightened, tilted my head away when she lifted her hand to my mouth. "What is it?" "Frosted blueberry lip balm. It has aloe in it, so it'll feel nice on that cut." Hesitant, I lowered my head toward her finger. Her touch was light, gentle as she smoothed the balm over my lip. "How's that?" "It's sweet." "Beauty of flavored balm. I can't stand the ones that just smell good. What's the point of that?" She rolled - 26 -

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her eyes. "Ohhh, smell my lips, they taste like wax." Trying to keep myself from laughing, I inhaled deeply. "It feels cool." "That's the 'frosted' part. I think it's mint." A faint, careful smile curved my mouth, and this time it barely hurt. "Thanks. I must look ugly as sin." "Nah." She clicked the small box closed and returned it to her bag. "A little rough, but still totally kissable." A soft, barely audible chuckle escaped me. Concern shaped her features as she sat at one of the picnic tables. "Joel, I know it's none of my business, but a few seconds ago..." When she didn't finish, I shook my head. "Yeah?" "You just looked really sad. Staring up at the sky like that." Shrugging, I took a seat next to her and leaned my elbows back against the table. "I don't have anywhere to hang out tonight, is all. My best friend is getting laid. I sorta realized in a flash I'm not that close to anyone else on campus." I blew out a slow breath. "For damned sure don't want to go back to the dorms." "Why? Got the roommate from hell or something?" My eyebrows lifted as I thought about the black spiral always corkscrewing inside of me. "Seems to be where we're both headed." April eased off her backpack, dropping it to the ground at her feet before hugging her knees to her chest. "I'll sit with you, if you want." "Yeah?" I glanced down at her. "You don't have any place to be?" She waved the question away. "Was evicted from the library, remember?" My face softened. "I don't know how long I plan to hide out in the quad." "Please. I am the quintessential night-person." She pointed to her cheek. "Note the exceptionally pale skin." I laughed, had to cover my mouth to keep it from hurting. April ended up sitting with me for two hours. She talked, listened. About regular things, nothing too deep. It was nice. Kinda strange. Never had such a long conversation where beer or sex or sports wasn't involved. Didn't know people actually did things like this together. April giggled. "Walker Cain? Your roommate's name is Walker Cain? Is it C-A-N-E or C-A-I-N?" "C-A-I-N." I shook my head, not understanding the joke. "What's funny?" Her giggle turned into a snort and she covered her nose in embarrassment. "Okay, the spelling's not right, but don't you think that's kinda cruel for a parent to do? Walker. Cane. Redundant, isn't it?" Suddenly, Walker didn't seem so scary anymore, and my shoulders started to shake with my own laughter. My cellphone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and flipped it open. "Hello?" "Want me." Hot, carnal desire spun through my body, and every trace of humor vanished as I closed the phone, slipped it back into my pocket. "April," I stood, my breath already coming hard, "I've got to go." Her brow furrowed. "Now?" Smooth, taut skin rubbing against me. Soft lips dropping kisses along my body. "Now," I whispered. "Sorry." She straightened. "Will I see you again?" "I don't know." Shaking my head, I took a step back. I could almost feel that dark, silky hair sliding between my fingers. "I-I hope so." My stomach twisted into knots of guilt and arousal when I saw the confusion in her face. "Alright, Joel. Take care." Want me. Swallowing a groan, I spun around and took off running. Despite the punishment I'd put my body through earlier today, I dashed across campus like my life depended on it. My lungs burned. My legs did too. But I couldn't slow down. I wanted him. It was killing me. I barreled into the dormitory and hauled ass up the stairs. I all but tumbled into our room, gasping to catch my breath as I leaned back against the door. - 27 -

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"That was fast," said an amused voice. "You must have been close." Lifting my head, I swallowed hard. He stood against the wall, wearing a long-sleeved, white button-down shirt untucked from his dark slacks. The material clung to his torso, accented the shape of his shoulders and chest. Unbidden, my feet carried me toward him. Halfway across the room, I forced myself still, causing my whole body to shake with the effort. Walker smiled, and my gaze dipped to his full, sensual lips. I'd never seen a more alluring mouth. It's a spell! It's not real! Desperate to think clearly, I started to bite my lip again. "You don't want to hurt yourself, Joel," he said softly. My breath shuddered in my chest as my lips parted. April's joke evaporated from memory as I stared into his dark, dark eyes. Walker Cain scared the hell out of me. "Don't do this," I whispered. With smooth, focused grace, he advanced toward me, pressed his chest against mine as he glided his fingers down my cheek. Wordlessly, he touched our foreheads together. "No." I broke, and the pride I'd held on to so fiercely in the shower slipped through the cracks. "Please." "It has to be this way. I know you don't understand." His hands slid to my back, pulled my shirt from my jeans, then off over my head. "I'm sorry you're scared. I'd erase the feeling if I could. All I can do is tell you what you want and what you don't want." Shivering, I twisted my hands into his shirt, buried my face in the crook of his shoulder. "Walker, this life, I can handle it. It's not great, but," I thought about Sam, about the quiet fun I'd had with April, "I have friends and I can learn to be a team player." He took my chin in his thumb and forefinger, tilted my face back. Leaning forward, he sucked gently on my lower lip, right where I'd busted it. The caress was even more tender than April's feather light touch, and I couldn't stop my moan. Walker straightened, smiled. "You taste sweet. What is that?" I struggled to stay coherent in the whirling storm building inside of me. "Blueberry...frost...something." "Took me off-guard." Quick, nimble fingers flicked open the buttons of his shirt. "But it's nice." The material fell open, revealing his sculpted chest. I panicked and backed away. "Please don't take this life from me." Walker caught my wrist, drew me close. "I liked this life too." He cupped my face with his free hand. "I liked being able to look straight into your eyes. I liked having a mirror image of your body. I thought if I gave you enough time we could..." His hand slipped down to curve under my jaw, and his thumb brushed against my lips. "We have to move forward." "I can't." I blinked back tears. "Don't you see that?" "I'll be right there with you." "You sonovabitch," I whispered. "That's supposed to make me feel better? You're the last person I want to be with." His breath caught, but then a soft smile touched his lips. He leaned forward, put his mouth to my ear. "Want me, Joel." I did. So much. Groaning, I fell against him, inhaling his flowered scent. I dragged his shirt off his body, clutched at his tight, smooth skin as I trailed fevered kisses up his neck. Walker spun us around and pressed me back against the wall. "Know what I've been wanting to try for the last week and a half?" "Wh-What?" He grinned, took a deep breath. His chest swelled against mine, and our bodies were so perfectly identical that our nipples rubbed against each other. My eyes rounded as electric pleasure arced through every cell in my body. I arched my back, and the movement only intensified the thrill. "Fuck, Joel." Walker twisted his hand in my hair. "You feel better every time." He crushed his mouth against my cheek, turned the kiss into a barely there brush as he swept his lips across mine, then hard again - 28 -

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as he blazed a path down my neck. I ducked my head, trying to catch his mouth. He teased me with gossamer caresses that spun my senses and made me ache. Soft on my lips. Hard on my throat. Soft on my lips. Teeth on my shoulder. It drove me nuts. It took me several tries before I realized why he was playing me this way. "You're going easy on my cut." He smiled, dusted another kiss on my mouth. "I've never hurt you, have I?" Confused, aroused, I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "What's wrong, lover?" asked Walker, running his hands along my abs, squeezing my pecs before sliding to my biceps. "Don't call me that," I said automatically. His fingers tightened on my arms. "Fine. Maybe next time you'll like the sound of it a little more." For a second, I wondered why he didn't just try and make me want to hear it. Then I decided it didn't matter. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? It fucking hurts to look at you, Walker. I lay eyes on you and there's rage and fear and knee-buckling lust. I couldn't even run away tonight! I had to run to you!" His hands fell to his sides as he stepped back. "You don't want to look at me?" he asked coldly. "Then you must want to turn around." I turned, until my back was to him. "What... What're you doing?" His hands returned to my body, curving over my waist, skimming up my ribs, to my triceps. "You want to lift your arms." Trembling, I lifted my arms. His palms slid up to cover my hands and pressed them forward. "You want to keep your hands right here against the wall until I say otherwise." I flattened my hands against the wall. He wrapped his strong arms around me, squeezed me tight. "Very good, Joel." "W-Walker—" "Stop shaking." His long fingers tweaked and rolled my nipples. "I'd never hurt you. I..." He nuzzled my cheek, all tender caresses again as one of his hands glided downward and unfastened the catch in my jeans. "I'd never hurt you." My breathing went shallow. My eyes fluttered closed. He pushed my jeans and boxers down to my ankles. I felt his tongue sweep along my hamstrings, dip into the line of my ass. He nuzzled the small of my back, and then his fingers traced the curve of my spine. "I love the lines of your body," he murmured, pressing his lips to the nape of my neck. "At first, I thought it was because you were so damned big, but now I really think I'd love them in any life. Something about the way you move." "It's just the muscle," I said, trying not to push back into his touch. "Haven't you noticed how you move better now?" "Things have been getting easier for me, but you haven't lost any of your elegance." He combed his fingers through my hair. "It's ingrained in you, and I'm entranced by every little thing you do." Elegance. No one had ever said that about me before. "You're crazy." He chuckled, pressing his body against mine. "I'm in no position to argue with you, considering what I've done." I jumped when I felt his hard cock nestle against my ass. My own dick was trapped between my abs and the wall. I wanted to grab hold of it, to stroke the tight need out of me. But because Walker said it, I wanted to keep my hands against the wall even more. I heard a pop and whipped my head around. "What's that?" Walker held a bottle for me to see. "Had it in my pocket." Lube. My hole clenched in anticipation. "I always want you inside me." He stroked my shoulder. "That's right." Hurting again, I went back to staring at the wall. His slick fingers didn't jar me so much this time as they worked into my hole. I took deep breaths, tried to keep my mind in the present. Tried not to think of what would happen afterward. I cried out when the head of his cock pushed in to me. "Feeling me this time?" he teased, easing deeper. My fingers curled, clawing against the wall. His dick was bigger. A lot bigger. Before I could almost - 29 -

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ignore it, focus on other parts of my body. But this... This was the center of everything. Walker paused, smoothed my hair back. "Try to relax." His hand kept stroking my hair and, strangely, I did start to loosen up. "That's it." He moved forward again, slowly, until his hips were flush against my ass. "You've got such a tight pucker, Joel. Feels great." Too much wildness. Too much need. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was moan. Walker seemed to like that. "Mmm." His teeth tugged at my ear. "I'm going to miss this, I think. This perfect fit." One hand grabbed my hip while the other skimmed up my stomach, my chest. He played with my nipple a while before sliding upward to grip my shoulder. "But I'll be sure to make you feel fantastic. Promise." His cock drew out of me, and I surprised myself by whimpering. I felt...empty. Soon enough, though, he was easing back in. "Does that hurt?" I shook my head. "Good." He kissed my cheek, thrust his hips against me a little faster, a little harder. "Good." His strong hands gripped me tight, guided my body until I'd learned enough to move with him. He lunged forward; I shoved back. The head of his dick kept hitting a spot inside me that sent huge shocks of pleasure rocketing into every nerve I had. Forgetting the past, forgetting the future, I focused on what Walker was doing to me, on how I could get more of it. The hand on my hip slid to my throbbing shaft. His thumb flicked over the head just before his fingers curled and began to pump the rest of my seven-and-a-half inches. "Walker!" My balls drew tight and the dam burst. I shot my load all over the wall as pure exhilaration ripped through me. My hands started to slide downward, and I struggled to keep them in place, because I wanted them to stay put until Walker said otherwise. Disorientation muddled the pleasure when I realized that, even though I wasn't moving, I couldn't keep them in place. I stretched my arms, watched as my fingers seemed to reel into themselves. "It's okay," rasped Walker, his mouth pressed against my ear. "You can lower them now." They fell from the wall. Because they felt weak, I cradled them against my chest. Every breath I took brought them closer to me, brought my shoulders closer together. Walker pumped his cock into my ass again, and my eyes widened as it swelled inside of me, as I was lifted to my toes. His arm snaked around my waist, secured me against his body. "I've got you." The cords in his forearms stood out in sharp relief as his pecs shoved forward against my back, as his nipples scraped against my sensitized skin. His other hand slammed into the wall, revealing a massive arm swollen thick with powerful biceps and triceps. Walker roared, a baritone so loud and deep that it hurt my ears. The arm wrapped around me hardened, pressed my ribs inward. The cock inside me exploded, flooding me with liquid heat. "I've got you," he said again, his voice an octave deeper as his harsh breath ruffled my hair. I didn't want to see him; I didn't want to know how much I'd changed. So this time, when the darkness spiraled toward me, I let myself fall into it. I let myself sleep.

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6 "Joel, I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here so early in the morning." No, I wasn't. There was really only one reason he would. "You're going to cut me from the team, aren't you, Coach?" I fought the urge to clear my throat. Nothing wrong with my voice. Just higher pitched now, was all. Exhaling heavily, Coach Roberts rested his forearms on the desk between us. "You have a lot of heart, and a feel for the game that had me rooting for you all the way." He shook his head. "You're just too small, son." I closed my eyes a second, nodded. "I understand." "If you work hard and pack on some muscle, I'd like to see you try out again next year." Forcing a smile, I rose to my feet and swung my bag over my shoulder. "Will do, Coach." He stood as well, towering over me as he extended his hand. "Take care of yourself, Joel." "Thanks." I shook his hand, tried not to flinch at how it engulfed mine. "For giving me a chance, and for letting me clear out my stuff without the rest of the team around." Surprise flickered over his face as he straightened, but he didn't argue with me. I didn't have much in my locker—I guess the 'me' in this life hadn't been all that secure with his thirdstring position on the team. Not that I could blame him. When I woke up this morning and caught my first glimpse of myself in the mirror, Coach's phone call right afterward didn't faze me at all. Everything I had fit in my backpack, so that was good. The weight strained my shoulders, as well as the vicious ache in my chest, but I could handle it. Sam walked into the building just as I was walking out. "Hey little buddy!" he said, grinning down at me. Startled, I jumped back, bumping against the wall. He laughed. "Easy, Thumper." Fuck, he was big. My eye-line just barely skimmed his chin, and everything about him seemed to swell toward or stretch beyond me. I lifted my gaze, trying to calm my pounding heart as I looked up at him. "WhWhy are you calling me Thumper?" "C'mon. We've been callin' you that all year." I took a slow breath to try and control the spinning in my head. "Tell me again?" Sam shrugged. "Because you're fast. Not as fast as Walker, but pretty fast. " He gently cuffed my cheek. "And you're skittish. Just like a rabbit." "Oh. " I leaned back against the wall, knowing I'd been right before—I wasn't going to be strong enough for this life. I could already feel bits and pieces of me cracking under the weight of it. "What are you doing here so early in the morning?" "Came to put in a couple hours at the gym. " He shook his head as a touch of awe shaped his features. "Walker's already in there. That guy works like he's possessed." I glanced into the building. Walker was in there? He was gone when I woke up this morning. I hadn't seen him... I hadn't seen him since we'd had sex. "Sam, I might be out of it today, but I thought you didn't like Walker." "I didn't, at first. But after what he did the other day, you have to at least respect the guy, right?" My gaze drifted back to him. I wanted to ask, but it was obvious I was supposed to know, and I was already pushing things. "I guess." He jerked his thumb at the gym. "Want to come with us? Walker and I can spot each other, and I can spot you." They considered me too weak to even be a real help in their workout. Coach was right to cut me from the team. I was just a burden. "There's no point. I... I got cut just now." Sam stopped short, and his face softened. "Ah, shit. Tough break, man. " He reached out, ruffled my hair. "You lasted a good long time, though. We liked havin' you around." I didn't bother to smooth my hair down this time. "Yeah, well, see ya. " I started to walk away. "Hey, Joel?" I turned my head. Sam broke into a grin. "Get crazy at Feehan's party with us this Friday. Guarantee ya that you'll feel better. - 31 -

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I'll make sure your name's on the list, okay?" A list. Even in the last life, I could walk into any party I wanted without having to worry about things like that. "Sure, " I said, "if I can." He winked at me and disappeared into the building. I headed for the dorms, knowing I wouldn't be at that party, knowing I'd probably never talk to Sam again. Five inches. It was a lot. Too much, this time.

Staring in the bathroom mirror, I unbuttoned my shirt, pulling it open to reveal the angry, red-purple bruise engulfing the right side of my chest. I pressed my fingers against it, hissed at the pain. No idea where I'd gotten it. My memory of this life didn't extend past this morning. That seemed to be the only injury. The rest of my body was fit; a lot less mass than I was used to seeing. My pecs were more of a swell than a shelf. My fierce cobblestone abs were gone, but the lines and musculature were still there. Not... too bad, I tried to tell myself. Although, for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how I'd made the football team at all. The outer door slammed, making me jump. "Joel!" My shoulders hunched forward and I closed my eyes. I recognized that low, powerful voice. "I've got you." Walker. Had to be. "Joel? Are you in here?" Realizing I'd have to face him sooner or later, I sighed and left the bathroom. My feet shuffled back a step when I set eyes on him. They were the same height, but if Sam was big, I didn't know what word to use for Walker. He must have come straight from the gym—his sweat-slicked muscles were pumped and looked ready to burst free from his skin. His blue tank-top couldn't even contain his chest, and his heavy pecs spilled out the sides along with his lats. Those slabs of muscle stretched the cords of the ribbed material tight with every breath, and a really deep breath probably could have ripped it open. His shoulders weren't treating the stressed shirt any better. Broad and frighteningly thick, they provided more than enough support for the massive arms I'd glimpsed last night. He was wearing sweats, but even those couldn't hide the power of his quads, the overall strength of his legs. A familiar pain twisted in my chest as I stared at him. "H-Here," I managed to stammer out. "Sam told me you got cut from the team, and I came right over. How are you feeling?" "Fine," I said carefully. "Trying to get used to things." Walker ran a hand through his hair, making his biceps swell, causing the vein at their crest to twitch wildly. "Sorry. Your class schedule is the same, and I thought you'd be sleeping late. I meant to be here when you woke up. To be here for you, even though," a faint smile touched his lips, "you said it was the last thing you wanted." "You don't seem all that surprised by the way I look." "What? Oh." He dropped his arm, tucked his thumb into the waistband of his sweats. "I carried you to your bed when you passed out. Got a pretty good look at you then. Plus I have memories of this life, memories of you this way." He'd carried me? The thought brought all kinds of bitterness flooding back. "I'll bet you just love being so strong now." Walker frowned. "What?" I gripped the collar of my shirt, yanked it down. "Did you do this to me?" His gaze dipped to my bruise. "No," he answered softly. "Chad Henderson jumped you two days ago." "Convenient," I muttered, letting go of the shirt. His frown deepened. "What's that supposed to mean?" "I've got no memory of two days ago." My fists clenched. "If I ask Chad about it, he'll either beat me to a pulp for insulting him or freshen up the bruise for bringing it up." - 32 -

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He walked forward. "You think I'm lying to you." A tremor went through my body at his approach, and I forced it stiff. "Wouldn't be the first time." His face hardened as he lowered his head. "I...would never... hurt you. How many times do I have to tell you that?" "You hurt me every goddam day, Walker. Hell, you're hurting me now." His muscles tensed, making him swell even bigger. All at once, I understood exactly how much had changed between us, saw all the new ways he could bring me pain. Panic swept my head clean, and I tried to bolt from him. Walker grabbed my shoulders, effortlessly pressed me back to the wall. The same wall he'd used magic to pin me against last night. His big hands slid down my arms, locked around my wrists, and pulled them upward, trapping them above my head. "I didn't put that bruise on your body, Joel." "Bastard!" I struggled against him, and his arms barely flexed as he kept my wrists in place. In fact, I think they flexed harder when he ran his fingers through his hair, and that only pissed me off more. "You're getting off on this. Watching me get smaller, lose my life, bit by bit. And all the time, you suck it all inside of you!" When I tried to kick at him, Walker shoved his big thighs against mine, holding me immobile. "I didn't choose this, Joel! I don't know why the transference is happening!" His voice dropped: cool, controlled. "I'm sorry you got cut from the team. I hadn't planned that." "Sure you're sorry," I gritted out. "The way Sam talked about you today, you must be first-string, and you must be just hating that." His hands tightened on my wrists. "You don't want me lying to you, right? Fine. I like the size you're giving me. I like being a star on the football team. And I sure as hell like being strong." "I knew it." My head fell back against the wall. "Those things you said last night. It was never about me. You just wanted my size, my life." Walker shook his head. "You're wrong, Joel. Every second of every day is about you." His hands gentled, just slightly, not enough to let me break free. "The only reason I went out for football in the first place was so I'd get a chance to play with you, to be close to you. But there's some sort of ripple effect to the lives we lead. The decisions we make in one can bleed in to the next." He brought his face close to mine. "So here I am, one of the strongest players on the team." I leaned forward, so that my nose almost touched his. I felt his breath shallow against my lips. "Boo...fucking...hoo." He shot straight, still holding on to my wrists. "Joel—" "You're the one who cast the damn spell. And today you're on the team and I'm not. If you'd just wanted to be with me, then last night you wouldn't have made me... You wouldn't have made me—" "I didn't have a choice!" He finally let go of my wrists, and one of his calloused hands cupped my face. "Do have any idea what it was like? To watch Chad slam into you yesterday? I'm a Cain. I recognize malevolence when I see it." His thumb caressed my lip, fully healed now. "Then I saw your face, and I realized that I'd taken away your ability to defend yourself, that it was going to get much, much worse." Walker's eyes glistened as he stroked my hair with his other hand. "I would have given everything back to you if I could, Joel. But we can't go backward. We can only go forward. I'm the only one who can get bigger." He touched his forehead to mine. "I'm the only one who can protect you." Stunned, I only stood there, staring into his pitch-black eyes. His arms slipped around me, and he pulled me close to his hard body. The mingled scent of salty sweat and sweet flowers rattled my already skewed nerves. Walker nuzzled the curve of my neck. "In this life, you worked so hard to keep up with the rest of us. And you almost always stayed after practice to run more drills. A couple days ago, Chad caught you on the field. If I hadn't been there, if I hadn't pulled him off of you..." He clutched me tighter. "All you have is a bruise, and you don't even remember how you got it. That's good. I'd rather you never remember it." I didn't move as I stared at a point behind his shoulder. "I don't believe you. You're big, but Chad's bigger." "You don't have to believe me this time." He stroked my back. "You can ask Sam. He came in at the tail end of it." I frowned. "Sam?" "Chad is bigger, but I went nuts when I saw him on top of you. It gave me enough of an edge to hold him off until Sam showed up." - 33 -

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"...after what he did the other day, you have to at least respect the guy, right?" Was that what Sam had been talking about? Did it matter? Walker kissed my cheek. "I'll protect you, Joel. This life will be better than the last, you'll see." I pulled back, met his gaze, and knew it didn't matter jack-shit that Sam suddenly respected him. "This doesn't change anything. At the end of the day, you've stolen everything I was, and now I've got nothing." His brow furrowed. "You've got me." My bitterness and anger had drained me. Now, I just felt dead inside. "I don't want you." He straightened, stared down at me. I walked past him and picked up my bag. "I have to go to class. Good thing I seem to be a hard worker in this life, since I'll probably have to do a lot more than I used to for the same GPA." Walker didn't respond as I left the room. Didn't even tell me to want him. Small blessing, I guess.

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7 I went livid when I saw Walker standing in the middle of the room with my notebook. "Hey!" I stormed up to him and snatched it out of his hands. "What are you, snooping in my stuff now?" He grinned down at me. "This is serious, Walker!" "I know," he said, still smiling. He crossed his arms over his chest, drawing attention to biceps almost twice as big as mine. "It's just that after four days of silent treatment, having you yell at me again feels pretty good." I scowled at him. "You don't have any fucking respect for me, do you?" He chuckled. "What?" Walker shook his head, his face warm. "In our old life—the original one—if you'd just raise your voice at me I'd be terrified. But in this life you're cute when you're angry." His gaze slid over my body. "It's turning me on." Unwillingly, my gaze dropped to the bulge in his jeans. It was huge, and swelling by the second. I snapped my head to the side, knowing that I was less in that department and not wanting to imagine exactly what kind of meat he might be packing now. "You're cute when you blush, too," said Walker. Swearing viciously, I spun around and shoved my notebook under my pillow. "Just stay out of my stuff!" Some of the humor left his voice, replaced by curiosity. "Joel? I didn't know you wrote poetry." "I don't," I snapped, keeping my back to him. "But—" "It's just some stupid assignment that Ackerly sprung on us." I tugged on the pillow, made sure the notebook was completely covered. "It wasn't even on the syllabus." "The one written on the first page was amazing. " "Shut up." As usual, Walker kept right on talking. "I'm serious. The way you described that drop of rain from start to finish—the exhilaration of falling through the air, the switch to fear, and finally the moment where it shatters against the concrete. " I heard him move a step closer. "Wow." "You shouldn't have read it. " My skin went hot again. "I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. Stumbling around, trying to get something on paper so Ackerly doesn't fail me. " My voice fell to a whisper. "You shouldn't have read it." He paused, and when he spoke again he sounded contrite for the first time since I started yelling. "I wasn't snooping. It was lying in the middle of the floor, and all those composition notebooks look the same. There wasn't anything written on the cover, so I had to open it to figure out whether it was mine. From the first word I was hooked —couldn't stop reading." I frowned, staring down at my bed as I wondered if it could have fallen out of my bag on my way out today. Walker exhaled heavily and left the room. Retrieving my notebook, I opened it up and tried to understand what he liked about my poem. I didn't see it, so I decided he had to be lying to me again, trying to get close to me like he was always trying to get close to me. Still, I picked up a pen, went to my desk, and tried to write a better one. That night, I sat on my mattress, watching Walker sleep. The window was next to my bed, so the moonlight spilled over me and right onto his body. It illuminated his skin, highlighting every hill and valley with a silvery glow. He didn't do the pajama thing anymore. Only boxer shorts for Walker Cain now. His blanket was slung over his legs and hips, but I could see his back clearly. The rise of his shoulder blades; the spread of his wings; the long, deep dip of his spine. Had my back looked that good? I thought so. It was getting hard to remember. - 35 -

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My stomach twisted. I wanted to keep staring. I wanted to look away. I knew doing either would bring equal amounts of pain. Scrubbing my face with my hand, I eased out of bed and put on my clothes. I needed fresh air. It seemed like the bigger Walker got, the stronger his scent became. Hyacinth filled the room, filled my senses. I couldn't get a second's peace. So I slipped away, and tried to find one outside.

The late afternoon sun cut through the air as I crumpled up the paper in my hands, tossed it over my shoulder, and kept walking. "Hey! Litterbug!" I turned, surprised to see April scoop up my ball of paper and run toward me. "Hi." "Don't 'hi' me, mister. " She shook the paper at me. "You know I have panic attacks about the state of our environment, and then you just toss a perfectly recyclable piece of it onto the campus lawn. " Her obvious familiarity made me break into a smile. "We're friends." "We are, huh?" April crossed her arms over her breasts, stuck her nose into the air. "Wouldn't know it with the way you've been treating me this week." My eyebrows rose. Definitely had to fix this. I needed all the friends I could get. "What did I do?" "You didn't return any of my calls! I left you three messages!" Her nose lowered as she cast a hurt, sidelong glance at me. "How come you're not answering your cell? You mad at me?" "Oh, " I whispered. Afraid that Walker might call me again, I'd turned the ringer off to my phone and stuffed it into the bottom of my footlocker. It hadn't occurred to me that other people might try to call. "Sorry. Lost it." Her face scrunched. "Lost it?" She glanced away, her nose in the air again. "Sounds like a very 'guy' excuse. Not sure I believe you." Grinning, I took her hand and drew her close. I had her pegged at about five foot five, so at five-nine I was still a few inches taller than her, still felt comfortable about trying a little charm. "I had no idea you were trying to call me. Honest." She rolled her eyes. "Then why didn't you call me?" I gave her an explanation that was true enough. "Had a really tough week. " I lowered my head. "Got booted from the team." Her face instantly softened. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard you were trying." Forcing a smile, I tried to graciously accept her sympathy. Funny how no one ever seemed surprised when they found out about it. "Thanks." April shook the ball of paper at me. "That's still no excuse for littering. " She unwrapped it. "What is this, anyhow?" Instinctively, I tried to take it back. "It's nothing." "Whoa-ho!" she crowed, dancing out of my reach. "An A! Nice work!" Her brow furrowed when she took a closer look. "Wait, is this an Ackerly paper?" "Yeah. So?" Her eyes rounded as she glanced up at me. "Joel, why would you throw this away?" I shrugged. "She won't leave me alone. Keeps trying to tell me I have talent." "You don't believe her?" Suddenly uncomfortable, I let go of her hand. "The only thing I ever had any talent for was... " I swallowed, shook the thought away. "I just write down what I think, what I'm feeling. There's nothing special about that." "Joel, " she smoothed the wrinkles out of the paper, "Professor Ackerly doesn't play around. It's almost impossible to get an A on one of her assignments." I didn't know April well, but I was beginning to think she was one of those girls who liked to blow things out of proportion. "Can't be that hard. That's my fourth one." "Fourth?" She made a sound that was part awe and part disgust. "I'm a freaking English major and I've only gotten one!" I frowned. "Really?" - 36 -

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"It's framed above my bed as we speak. Hers are the only English classes I ever get B's in." Taking my paper from her, I stared down at the red A in the corner. "It's that big a deal?" "It's an incredibly big deal. " April touched my arm. "Trust me, if Ackerly says you have talent, you've got talent." Thoughtful, I folded the paper into a square and put it in my bag. "She wants me to take some writing courses." "Ohhh. " She hopped closer to me. "That's a great idea. We should go to the registrar right now!" My eyes widened. "Now?" "Sure, we could redesign your spring semester—get rid of some of those fluff courses you were so set on taking because of football. " She beamed at me. "We could even take some classes together. How fun would that be?" It didn't sound fun. It sounded scary as hell. She was right, though. I didn't have football anymore, and I needed something to fill the void. I doubted writing would be it, but I didn't think there was any harm in trying, and I'd have a friend there with me. A totally nutty friend in combat boots, but she made me laugh. God knew I needed that. "Alright. " I took a deep breath. "Let's do it." She clapped her hands and jumped onto my back. I grunted. "You're kinda heavy, you know that?" "Don't you know you're never supposed to say that to a woman?" She stretched her arm out, pointing to the registrar's office. "Now mush!" Chuckling, I hooked my hands under her thighs and carried us forward.

Wandering around the room, I studied Walker's trophies. He had a lot of them. Almost as many as I'd had when I... "We can't go backward." Best not to think about it too much, then. I went back to my side of the room. No trophies. Not much of anything else, either. Not even pictures of my family. Was I close to them? I wasn't before, and Walker said choices from one life bled into the others, so maybe that was why I didn't have any pictures now. Could I change that? I didn't know. But maybe I could try when I went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hadn't gone home for either last year. My chest hitched. I didn't want to be alone. The world seemed so much bigger now, and it would likely keep going in that direction. My family was pretty nice. I should try. The door flew open, slamming against the wall as Walker stormed in. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me. "You're here," he all but growled. Cautiously, I backed away from him. "Where else would I be?" "Feehan's party." He threw the door shut. "Sam said you'd be there." Faking a bravery I didn't feel, I slid my hands into my pockets and looked away. "Didn't feel like it." "You could have fucking told me that. Shit, Joel! I only went because I thought you were going." I frowned, met his gaze again. "You've been swearing an awful lot lately." I shook my head. "You never used to curse so much." He let loose a string of words even I'd never thought to put together. I tilted my head to the side. "Walker?" "Fuck, I don't know." He scrubbed his face with his hand. "Something about being so big, and hanging out with those jocks every goddam day. It just comes out." He looked at me, his face hard. "You've been swearing less." My eyebrows rose. "I suppose I have." Walker groaned, went to sit heavily on his bed. "Three hours." His back hit the wall. "I waited three fucking hours for you, Joel. It sucked ass." "What? I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?" He shot me a look so dark that I was afraid his next sentence was going to start with 'want.' - 37 -

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But it didn't. "Why didn't you go? You were invited. It was a big party." Keeping my distance, I walked around to face him. "I don't fit in with those people anymore. And, as nice as Sam is, I don't think I could have taken him ruffling my hair one more time." April had invited me to join her book-club friends, but I didn't fit with them either. So I stayed here, alone in the dorms. "I would have stopped him from fucking with your hair," said Walker, his voice determined. "And anyone else. You should have come." He really looked miserable, and I started to get suspicious. "Are you honestly trying to tell me that you didn't have any fun at all?" "It was cool and everything. People never looked at me like that before. So many of them were rubbing up against me, asking me to do all kinds of things to them." He swept his hand across his chest, and his body undulated under his touch. "But I kept watching that door, waiting for you to show up. That's all I really wanted." The movement of his body sent a ripple of awareness through my own; shocking me, scaring me. I dismissed the feeling instantly, telling myself it was just the spell, even though he hadn't invoked it at all since the last time we'd had sex. "Wh-Why?" His dark gaze focused on me. "Because you haven't had fun in so long and," he blinked, "I really wanted to see that." "You just wanted to watch me?" Almost unconsciously, I stepped closer to him. "You weren't planning to use your magic?" He shook his head. "You're a liar." His eyes crinkled at the corners. "Why do you keep saying that?" I stood between his knees. "It's the truth, isn't it?" "Yeah, but..." He moved away from the wall, sitting straight. "I'm trying." "Trying." I looked down at him, at the body that was mostly mine. "I'd do better not to believe a word you say. Ever." Walker leaned close, stopped just short of touching me. "Joel." A faint, familiar fragrance wafted up to me. "I know this perfume," I murmured. Then, when I recognized it, I took a step back. "You..." He looked up at me, confused. "What?" I'd thought the rage that had been killing me had burned out, leaving me with little more than sadness broken by occasional, tiny sparks of light. I'd been wrong. It had only been simmering, just below the surface. "Can you have sex without me?" He hesitated, nodded. My hands left my pockets, curled and tightened into fists. "You son of a..." I couldn't look at him, knowing if I did I'd lunge for his throat. "You had sex with Tiffany Miller." I heard his breath catch. "I-I didn't." Every muscle in my body hardened. I couldn't take him. I knew I couldn't. But I was about two seconds from driving my fist into his face. "So much for trying," I gritted out, my rage spiraling higher with every lie he uttered. "I can smell her all over you, Walker." "Smell..." He made a soft sound of denial. "You don't understand. It wasn't like that." "I understand that you've reduced me to a sex slave while you can go out and have anyone you want." I lifted my head, barely able to think through the blood pounding in my veins. "I understand that your life just keeps getting better and better while," I laughed bitterly, "I'm alone on a Friday night." "Joel—" My fist cocked back and I fired it at him. Walker caught my forearm, easily stopping the punch from connecting. "I didn't fuck her! I'm over six feet tall so she was trying to get into my pants. That's why her scent's on my clothes." He yanked me against his body, wrapped his arms around me. "I haven't fucked anyone but you since I cast the spell. You're the only one I want. You're the only one I ever want." I shoved at his shoulders, and he held me tight. "I don't believe you," I hissed. His voice darkened the way it did whenever I went too far and tripped his temper. "That's a shitload of anger you've got over one little girl. I'd think you'd be happy to have me out with other people, since you're - 38 -

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so scared of my cock these days." I stiffened. His teeth nipped at my ear. "But if you're that desperate for it, I'm more than willing." Fear shot through the rage. "No!" I fought against his iron hold, tried to block myself from hearing the inevitable words. "It's too soon!" "Mmm." His mouth moved on to my jaw. "You're right. I should savor you, wait until we have something to celebrate." One of his hands slipped under my shirt to caress my back. "It's so hard, Joel, when you show me all this raw jealousy." Both anger and fear cooled to ice, and I stopped struggling. "It's not about that, and you know it. It's about you having the freedom to do whatever you want, and me...well...whatever I want is dictated by you, isn't it?" The darkness dissipated from his voice. "I'm sorry." His apology took me off-guard. "What?" "You're right. I do know you'd never be jealous over me." His arms loosened, and his hands slid up to my face. "I'm sorry this spell is going wrong in," his chest hitched, "so many ways." Was he really trying? Or was it just more lies? I stepped away from his touch. Walker's hands fell to his sides. "I didn't fuck her. There's no way to prove it but..." His mouth worked a few times, before he just repeated himself. "I didn't." I stared at him a long moment, before grabbing my jacket from a chair and pulling it on. "Where are you going?" "Out." I checked my pocket, made sure I had my keys. "For a walk." His torso twisted as he watched me stride to the door. "You take one almost every night now. Where do you go?" Surprised, I stopped short. "How do you know I take one every night?" "I told you: I'm entranced by every little thing you do." Unnerved, moving slower, I placed my hand on the doorknob. "Can I go with you?" My gaze whipped back to him. "What?" His eyes were wide, hopeful. "Can I?" "No." Astonishment made my hand slip from the knob. "I want to get away from you, Walker. That is what the act of me leaving means." The hope dwindled away. "You don't really mean that, do you? You sit up and watch me sleep every damn night." For a second, I couldn't breathe. "You see that too?" He nodded. Twisting and turning... Around and around... I braced my hand on the door, leaned heavily against it. "I've got to get out of here. I don't have as much stamina as I used to, but moving my body, it helps." "Helps with what?" "You wouldn't understand." "The spinning?" My gaze drifted back to him. "You know about that?" Walker leaned forward, watching me carefully. "It's like you can feel the earth moving on its axis, right under your feet." He did know. "You feel it?" He ducked his head, stared at the floor. "All the time. Never stops. Sometimes I even get queasy from it, like I'm going to throw up." I almost started to feel sorry for him, then steeled myself against it. "Well you deserve to reap every bit of what you've sown. It's your fault I'm in this mess." His eyes stayed locked to the floor as he let loose a low, hollow chuckle. "Yeah." - 39 -

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That isolation, I understood how it clawed at him, because it clawed at me too. But Walker could go out any time he wanted and erase the feeling. He didn't even need his name on a list to get into parties. I opened the door and started to leave. Something pulled me back, against my better judgment. "Hey." I glanced at him. "Why don't you just make me want you with me on this walk?" He didn't look at me. Just shrugged. Common sense told me to drop it, to leave and not look back. But I did look back. And then I walked back. "Swear to me." His head shot up. "What?" "Swear to me we won't have sex anymore." He lifted his hand, skimmed his fingers along my wrist. "I can't." I snatched my arm away from his touch. "Why not!" "Haven't you noticed, Joel?" The corner of his mouth curved. Sad. A little tired. "Fucking is the only thing that makes the spinning... good." Rubbing the spot where he'd touched me, I tried not to let myself make that connection. "Then how can you expect me to..." I took another step back. "Forget it. I don't know why I thought I could stand to have you with me." His dark eyes were steady on mine. "I can promise not to fuck you tonight." His lips parted as he stared at my shoulders, my chest. My hips and my legs. "I may even be able to control myself through tomorrow night." He lifted his head, leaned forward. "How's that?" I scowled at him. "That's it?" The grin that played over his lips was seductive, playful. "Believe me, as far as guarantees go, that's stretching it." One day and two nights. It was nothing. I almost threw it back into his face. But then I thought about how I'd been living since the first time Walker had said those gut-wrenching words to me. One day. Two nights. Without fear. "Promise me," I whispered. "I promise." His smile slipped a notch. "Think you can trust a liar?" "I'm going to try, because I'm cracking apart inside, and I need this." My face hardened. "Do you understand that, Walker? This is important to me. Does that matter?" "Yes." He rose to his feet, forcing my head to tilt back to keep eye-contact. "It matters." My voice went gruff as I headed out of the room. "Fine, then you can tag along." Outside, the October air was cool and brisk. I buttoned up my jacket, glanced at Walker to find he seemed comfortable to have his own jacket open. The white linen shirt he wore hugged his pecs, fell loose around his hips. Navy khakis worshiped the thickness of his legs with every step he took. Frowning, I thought about the clothes in my closet. While Walker seemed to favor brighter colors these days, I'd gone in the opposite direction. Even now I had on a pair of black jeans and a slim black dress-shirt. Helped me blend in, I guess. Easier that way. "Joel? Have you written any more poetry?" My thoughts snapped back to the present. "A little." "Can I read it?" "No." His breath caught; his voice softened. "Why not?" The stuff I'd been writing lately always made me blush. I wasn't sure why. "The only ones that get read are the ones I write for homework. The rest stays in my notebook." "But why can't I—" "Because it's mine," I snapped. "I can have something that's just mine, can't I? Or do you really want to take every single thing?" He fell quiet, and we walked in silence for a while. Across the quad, past the administration building. A car backfired, and my whole body jumped. I tried to play it off and kept walking, hoping it had gone unnoticed. Of course, I wasn't that lucky. "Are you okay?" "Fine," I muttered. - 40 -

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"You're breathing hard." My jaw clenched a moment as I bit back a swear. "I'm still trying to get used to things. To the idea that things can hurt me, to the idea that I'm average." "I wouldn't let anything hurt you." "Shut up." "And you're definitely not average." "Again, shut up. None of that's helping." He chuckled. "Did you know you have a nickname in this life? It's—" "For the love of God, Walker. If you say it out loud, I swear I will find a way to kick your ass." Walker laughed, and in a flash his hands were on my body, pinning me back against a tree. "Will you, Thumper?" "Hey!" I started to kick my way free, and he used that move with his legs to keep me still. "What do you think you're doing!" "I was wrong before," he lowered his head, grazed the tip of his nose over mine, "when I said you were cute when you're angry." I tried to push myself back, but the tree blocked any chance of escape. "Y-You were?" He nodded against me, rubbing our cheeks together. "You're fucking hot." Trembling, I shoved against his rounded shoulders. "You promised. Less than an hour ago!" "I promised I wouldn't fuck you." His tongue darted out, licked the corner of my mouth as his palm swept up my stomach, my chest. "I didn't say anything about touching." His lips firmed against my skin. "Or kissing." "Son of a—" I bucked against him, trying to break free. He gasped, and I felt his mouth curve against me in a smile. "Keep doing that, and you just might drive me to break my promise." I instantly went still. Walker made a sound of disappointment, but it soon faded as he squeezed my chest, my arms. "Your body's so tight, Joel. How can you ever think you're average when all I can think about is how much I want you?" My fingers tightened on his shoulders, and I snatched them back. "I don't want you." "I know," he murmured, lifting his head. "But you're always watching me. Why is that, I wonder?" Not having an answer, I tried to push him away again. My arms shook and my muscles strained with the effort. Walker grinned, unmoved and openly amused. "Curious maybe?" His big hand slid over mine, drew it to the hollow of his throat. "Want to touch what you've been watching so closely?" I tried to resist as he guided my hand downward, as my fingers naturally dipped into the trench carved between his pecs, but he was so much stronger than me. "No." "Oh, come on, Joel. This doesn't make you gay. It's," his brow furrowed thoughtfully, "your body, after all." My breath shuddered in my chest, all but stopped when I felt the hard bulge of his cock against my abdomen. To my horror, my own dick came to life, stiffening against his thigh. What was going on? He felt it—I knew he felt it—but he didn't say anything about it. Didn't tease me. Instead, his gaze stayed locked to mine as he used my hand to caress his own chest. Slow, torturous strokes. The pads of my fingers grazed his nipple through the material of his shirt, and the whole pectoral muscle twitched as he shivered. "So fucking good," he murmured, doing it again, and again. I'm not sure when I stopped fighting. When I just...let him take control. Slowly, Walker lowered his head, brushed his lips over mine. Locks of dark hair fell forward, grazed over my cheeks as he slid my hand lower. I gasped as he deepened the kiss, as he slipped my hand under his shirt so my palm could lay flat against his warm, hard abs. Walker's mouth firmed against mine. Caressing. Tasting. Taking. Always taking. I bit down on his lower lip. Hard. He leapt back from me, his hand shooting to his mouth. Oh, God. - 41 -

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For all my fantasies of hurting Walker, for all my attempts, now that I'd done it... I was scared to death to see what he'd do when really pissed at me. "W-Walker." My mind blanked. I couldn't think of any way out of this. His hand dipped, and he brushed his thumb over his lower lip as he stared at me. Right then, the tree behind me was the only thing keeping me on my feet. "Don't hurt me," I whispered. He smiled. "Sorry, what did you say?" Confusion drained away a good part of my fear as I watched his thumb stroke his lip. "You liked that?" "Took me by surprise, but hell yeah." His gaze dropped to my mouth. "You've got nice teeth there, Joel. Use them more often, okay?" My eyes rounded. "You are such a freak, Walker." Chuckling, he let his hand fall to his side. "Sorta goes with the territory—Cain blood and all. When you're cursed, you tend to like a darker flavor to your desire." I stared at him, standing there tall and strong, smiling down at me. "You don't look cursed to me." An unrepentant smile played on his lips. "We're wanderers, outcasts. Tend to be plagued by some fairly serious personality flaws." Walker chuckled again. "Guess I don't have to tell you that, though. You found out up close and personal that I have a certain moral ambiguity to me." How could he be so flippant about what he'd done to me? "Go to hell." "Yeah." He broke my gaze, lightly scratched his cheek. "That's pretty much a lock." Hadn't expected him to say that, and now I didn't know how to respond. "You're going to hell?" "Part of the curse. In life, I smell like flowers. In death, it's brimstone for eternity. Package deal." I surprised myself by caring, for just a second. "Isn't there anything you can do?" It surprised him, too, and he glanced at me. "Ah, no. Once, maybe, but..." He shrugged. "No, no chance." "Aren't you scared?" "I try not to think about it. But it does probably shape how I— how Cains in general—see the world." His smile finally slipped from his mouth. "I take what I want and I don't care about the consequences. I'm going to the same place whatever I do. Truth is, usually I don't even know I'm doing something wrong until you start yelling." Even though he wasn't smiling, he didn't really sound upset. Just a little shy about sharing with me. I think that made him even more chilling. "Me?" He nodded. "You go into a lot of detail when you chew me out." He tapped his temple. "Helps me to put things together. When you stopped talking to me this week, I was," his eyebrows rose, as if he wasn't sure whether he had the right word, "lost." Bullshit. It had to be. "You never listen to anything I tell you." "Oh, I do!" he said eagerly. "I try, really. I don't like to see you sad, Joel." I couldn't even comprehend how he thought. It gave me a bizarre, disbelieving kind of awe just trying. "Do you ever stop lying? If you didn't want to see me sad, you wouldn't—" "I do what I have to in order to keep you safe." He moved closer, caught my wrist. "And the blood in my veins runs hot." When I tried to jerk out of his hold, he dragged me against his body. "Seems like from the moment we met, it only burns for you, and you can't very well expect me to give that up, can you? It feels too fucking good." His other hand smoothed over my hair. "You feel too fucking good." Knowing I couldn't fight, I stood stiff in his hold. "So, basically, you'll only do the right thing if it doesn't contradict what you want." "Basically." He pressed his lips to my forehead. "When it comes to you, anyway." I shuddered, realizing I had no hope of understanding just how deep his obsession with me went. Walker Cain was cursed, powerful, and totally insane.

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8 April crossed her arms over her breasts, stubbornly sticking to her seat as the crowd around us jumped to their feet, waving and cheering. "We could be nice and warm at the coffeehouse right now, Joel. Tell me again why you changed your mind at the last second to come here?" I stared down at the football field, a little stunned myself. "You don't want to have coffee tonight, Joel. You want to come and watch me play." Walker had given me my one day and two nights, and then he'd gone a week beyond that with no magic whatsoever. He liked to corner me, kiss me, rub his body against mine. But he didn't fuck me, never told me what I wanted. Until today, when I absently told him on my way out that I wasn't going to the game, that I was grabbing some coffee. It had totally blindsided me. He'd been so cheerful when he'd said it, as he brushed his lips over my forehead. Excited even. Which had me worried. It reminded me of those old movies Walker didn't watch anymore. I had the suspicion he didn't need them anymore because he was training me to be the adoring girlfriend. And—really—that was the best case scenario. "I wanted to come," I said, because it was the truth. April glanced at me and stopped pouting. "Oh, right. I imagine you still think of them as your team." She smiled. "Sorry for being so insensitive about it. Of course you'd want to come. Homecoming game and everything." Before Walker had said those words, this was the last place I'd wanted to be. To see him, Sam, and Chad kicking ass the way I used to...didn't seem like a lot of fun. "It's okay,' I said, my eyes scanning the field, searching for one player in particular. "And your roommate's playing. You wanted to support him, right?" My gaze landed on a tall, thick player with Cain printed across his shoulders in white. My stomach lurched at how his biceps stretched his jersey sleeves tight, how his chest pushed against the blue material. The white pants outlined his powerful legs, which flexed hard as he jumped in place on the sidelines, keeping his muscles warm. His jet-black hair flowed in the wind as he listened intently to something the coach was telling him. "Joel?" "Right." I couldn't stop looking at him. I tried. But every night, I sat up, watched. Sometimes he watched me back, sometimes he slept. Or pretended to sleep. He liked to play those games with me. A whistle blew, Walker put on his helmet, and the offense streamed onto the field. The crowd whooped, calling out the names and numbers of their favorite players. I sat quietly, noticed how different they sounded when you were actually in the stands. A guy from the other team's defense slammed into Sam, knocking him into the air and then into the ground. "Oh my God!" April clutched my arm and curled her whole body into me. "Did you see that!" I chuckled. "Relax. It looks a lot worse than it is." I pointed to the field. "See? He's getting up already." She shook her head. "I know you don't want to hear this, Joel, but I am so glad you're not down there right now. I worried about you every day." "You did?" I glanced down at her. "Why?" "Why?" Another player got slammed, and one of her legs ended up in my lap. "Look at them! They're all so big." "Oh." A smile ghosted on my lips as a familiar, poignant sense of loss touched me. "Yeah." It was a good game, especially when April loosened her death grip on me and started to get into the action. She asked me a lot of questions about rules, which had me shaking my head. In that old life, the girl had known that I was a star, had tried to—awkwardly—flirt with me. And she knew absolutely nothing about the game. Go figure. Chad Henderson fumbled the ball, and I swore. I didn't like the guy, but the score was close and we - 43 -

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couldn't afford mistakes like that. Then Walker flew in, snatched up the ball for the recovery, and took off running. I straightened in my seat, holding my breath like everyone else. No one could touch him, though. He was just too fast, and he took it all the way for the touchdown. "Wow," I whispered. Had I ever moved like that? Somehow, I didn't think so. "Was that your roommate?" asked April. "The one who just scored?" I nodded and let my gaze drift back to Chad. He was standing near the thirty-yard line, his body all stiff. Pissed. My mouth crooked. Okay, so maybe coming wasn't such a bad idea. Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees, the noise of the crowd filling my ears as I watched. Walker made the next touchdown, too. Also at Chad's expense. The pass Tommy threw was clearly meant for him, but Walker got there first, and he took it home. After the goal was called, Chad stormed up to him. Walker said something, patted his shoulder and strode off, making Chad's body go stiff again. Shaking my head, I laughed softly. I knew firsthand just how crazy that gypsy could make you just by talking. The game finished with our school fourteen points ahead. Everyone shot to their feet. Even April, who jumped up and down as she tugged me to mine. "We won! That was fantastic!" I cocked an eyebrow. "Forgive me for ditching the coffeehouse idea?" She gave me a hug and hopped back to clap her hands. "Consider yourself enthusiastically forgiven." She turned back to face the field. "This isn't the last game of the year, right? There are more, right? We'll go, right?" A smile curved my mouth. "Right. On all three." "Walker was amazing. I bet he's in for quite a celebration, isn't he?" My smile vanished. "I should savor you, wait until we have something to celebrate." Thrusting my hand into my pocket, I snatched out my cellphone and scrambled to turn off the ringer. My hands shook as I returned it to my coat, as I tried to convince myself that I was overreacting. That he probably didn't even remember saying those words to me. "Weird, it's like he's looking right at us." Without thinking, I glanced up. God, I really, really had to learn to think. Walker's gaze locked to mine. His lips moved, just for me. April leaned forward. "What do you suppose he's saying?" I knew. I couldn't hear them, but those words sank into every cell of my body, lit me on fire from the inside out. Want me. "No." Dropping onto my seat, I gripped the edge of the bleachers until my fingers turned white. "I'm my own man." "Joel?" April crouched in front of me, heedless of the people edging around her to leave the stands. "Are you alright?" So far from alright. I wanted to jump up and run onto that field. I wanted Walker to enclose me in his strong embrace. I wanted him to— These weren't my thoughts! "April," I said, struggling to keep my breathing calm. "W-Wanting something I shouldn't doesn't change who I am, does it?" My head lifted in short, jerky movements to meet her gaze. "It doesn't make me less of a person?" Her lips parted. "Oh, Joel. You love football, and you tried for it with everything you had, which is more than what most people can say." Her hands slid to my thighs. "No one can blame you for still wanting it." She didn't understand. She couldn't, even if I somehow found the courage to explain it to her. I was alone. Wanting. Aching. My grip tightened on my seat. - 44 -

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April patted my leg. "Why don't we go someplace warm and drink something hot? We'll talk all night." If I stood, I'd go straight to Walker. Already the spiral inside me was picking up speed, slicing deeper for every moment I kept myself away. "You go on ahead. I'm going to..." I swallowed, hung on to the bleachers for dear life. "I'm going to try and stick around for a while, sort things out." "But—" "There's nothing you can do." Remembering the importance of my choices, I forced a smile. "My life, it's like a tornado sometimes, you know? Wild and out of control, funneling down into destruction. But you're like that patch of sky at the very top— you're bright, you never change. I see you, and for a few seconds I forget there's even a storm at all. I hope it's like that the next time I need to look up." She sniffled, rubbed at her nose. "You should write that down." Despite myself, I chuckled. "Cut it out." "You should. Let's go right now and get that notebook you're always scribbling in." My gaze flicked to the field, and I saw that Walker was gone. Instead of giving me relief, his absence only intensified the longing inside of me. "Maybe later." Hesitantly, she stood, murmuring a goodbye as she left with the rest of the fans. I bowed my head, determined not to move from this spot. "I'm my own man." The field cleared, so did the stands. I rocked myself back and forth, refusing to relinquish my hold on the bleachers. "I'm my own man." The wind cut into me; the cold stung and then numbed my skin. An hour passed, then two. All the while, my body cried out to me, begged me to give in to what I wanted so badly. Stiff, shaking, I just kept repeating the mantra, praying that the yearning would just die out. "I'm my own man." A low, husky chuckle swirled around me. "No, you're not. You're mine." My eyes snapped open and I glanced up, trembling so hard that my teeth chattered. "W-Walker." His long black overcoat fell open, revealing his football jersey, a tight pair of jeans. "You're so strong, Joel. This spell is more potent every time I invoke it. I can feel the power growing inside me." He smiled, walked closer. "Yet here you are, sitting out in the freezing cold, resisting." "Stay away from me." "I can't." He straddled the bench beside me, grasped my knees to turn my body and hook my legs over his thighs. "You should know that by now." My stiff muscles protested the change in position, and I made a keening sound of pain. Walker crooned at me. "I shouldn't have waited for you so long. I should have come to get you right away." He took my hands and gently covered them with his. "Is this better?" The warmth in his palms returned feeling to my skin. When I caught myself easing closer, I forced my body to sit straight. I tried reasoning with him. "Walker, you've been having fun in this life, haven't you?" "It's been fucking great." He slid my hands under his shirt, pressed them flat against his abs. I gasped when I felt the hot, carved bricks of muscle beneath my fingers. "Especially today, when I scored those touchdowns. Coach says if I put on some more size, I'd be a complete player—unstoppable." He winked at me. "Think you can help me with that?" I tried begging him. "Please don't do this." His gaze slid over my face. "Even your lips are starting to turn blue." Walker cupped my head in his hands, pressed our mouths together. It wasn't a kiss, exactly. He just held us together, letting the heat seep from his body to mine. My lips tingled as they came back to life—pleasure and pain all at once. I groaned when he pulled away. "This is wrong," I told him, grasping at straws, hoping he'd listen to me. "Is it?" His fingers skimmed higher, massaged the curves of my ears. "Then why does it feel so good?" His eyes were focused, dark, somewhat curious. I understood there was no arguing with him, because he was incapable of seeing the harm in taking what he wanted. And still I tried. "Walker—" "I had the best idea while waiting for you." His arms wrapped around me, and I felt their power even through our layers of clothing. "I want to fuck under the goalpost in the end-zone." He stroked my hair. "You - 45 -

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want to fuck there too, don't you?" Desire twisted painfully inside me, and I clutched him tight. Walker kissed my cheek and stood, drawing me to my feet. Shrugging out of his coat, he draped it over mine, tugging it around my shoulders and guiding my arms into the sleeves. "How's that? Warmer?" Instinctively, I pulled the coat tighter, inhaled the scent of hyacinth even as his body heat did its work. I glanced up at him in muddled, aroused confusion. "A-Aren't you cold?" Surprise flickered over his face. "I'm fine. The rush of winning the game. I feel like...like..." "Like you can fly," I finished for him, huddling deeper inside his coat. He smiled down at me. "Yeah." Walker trailed his fingers down my arm. His sleeves were too long for me, so when he grasped my hand, a layer of wool saved me from direct contact with his skin. "Will I be able to fly higher once I'm bigger?" Snapping out of my stupor, I tried to jerk free from his hold. "You want to be the best player on the team?" My breath started to come in fearful, unsteady gasps. "You said you were having fun. I don't understand why you have to take more from me." His grip stayed firm as he easily held me in place. "Joel, that's not the reason I want this. I was only teasing." He studied my face, his own growing thoughtful. "You're upset. I was wrong to do that?" He dragged me against his body. "I was cruel? Why didn't you yell?" I stared up at him, bewildered, pushing against him. "W-We're not having sex?" He laughed. "Oh, we're definitely having sex. I want it," he trailed his fingers down my face, "and you want it." I clenched my teeth, swallowed my moan. "Why?" "To celebrate." He did remember. "The game?" Amusement played over his features. "No." He gave my hand a tug, and we began to walk out of the stands, toward the field. "But you liked that, didn't you? How I made a fool out of Henderson. Saw you laughing." I frowned, distracted enough by his statement that my body stopped fighting him, just followed. "You saw me? From the field?" "Why do you sound so surprised? I invoked the spell from the field, didn't I?" "Yeah, but," I thought about all the craziness that went on during a game, "you looked so focused, and the crowd was going wild. How did you even find me?" "Please. You really think I couldn't spot you in the middle of those boring, ordinary people?" We reached the bottom of the stands, and he hopped over the railing, landing smoothly on the ground below. "I knew where you were from the moment I jogged out onto the field." I didn't understand that at all. I was five-nine. Had a nice body, but nothing to write home about. As far as I could tell, I blended seamlessly with everyone else. Walker grinned up at me. "Are you coming?" My fists clenched; I started to turn away. "Want me, Joel." And I did. I grabbed the railing, climbed over it. My stiff body hadn't recovered from the cold, though, and I lost my grip, fell. Walker caught me, smiling as he cradled me in his arms. "I've got you." Tired of fighting, knowing he always won in the end, I dropped my forehead against his shoulder. "Mmm," he murmured, nuzzling my hair. "I'd love to carry you, but it'll be better for your body if you walk." He slid me to my feet, straightened my collar. "Okay?" Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his neck. "What are we celebrating, Walker? Tell me why you're doing this to me." He took my hand, excitement crackling around him as he led me to the nearest goalpost. "I finally figured it out." "Figured what out?" Walker pulled me into his embrace and slid both of us down the goalpost, nestling us on the grass. "How to stop the spinning." I twisted around, stared up at him as he wrapped his legs around me. "You can take us back?" - 46 -

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He shook his head. "Told you, that's impossible. But once more around should make me six foot six, and you five foot four." He broke into a grin. "Our original sizes, in opposite bodies. It'll complete the transference, and we'll finally be at the end of the spiral." "No..." I remembered how small Walker had been, how people had treated him, and tried to shove myself free. "I don't want this, Walker!" Grabbing my shoulders, he held me close. His tone was still excited, still gentle. "You only think that because you don't understand." I took a breath and fell still. There was no stopping this—I understood that much—but I needed more time, and I would get it any way I could. "E-Explain it to me, then." Pleased to see me cooperating, he loosened his grip, stroked my back. "The transference confused the shit out of me. I went over the spell again and again, couldn't find the reason behind it. Turning me into a woman would have made more sense." His strong hands slid under my ass, lifted me up so he could extend his legs and set me on his lap. "In this life it started to get clearer. The way you watched me. Some of the things that happened when you let me walk with you that night." I started to bow my head, and his hand slid to my jaw, coaxing me into meeting his gaze. "Joel, in our first life, what did you think about when you fucked?" My eyes went wide. "Where the hell is this going, Walker." He chuckled. "Did you think about how great your girl smelled? How she felt under your fingers? How much you liked the sounds she made when you fucked her?" Uncomfortable, I tried to break his gaze again, and this time he let me. "Not really." "What did you think about?" I didn't answer. So he answered for me. "Yourself, right?" Lifting my head, I wanted to deny it, but there was nothing I could say. Walker kept smiling—he didn't seem to think the revelation was a flaw, just a piece to his puzzle. "You got off on people getting off on you." I nodded. "What turned you on most was your own body." Again, I nodded. God, it hurt to hear him say it. He might not have been bothered by it, but to have my attitude—my own self-absorption—spelled out so clearly was a harsh mirror to face. "That's the reason behind the transference, Joel." He grabbed the bottom of his shirt and whipped it off his torso. "I wanted you to want me, the only person you'd ever really wanted was yourself, so the spell had to give me your body in order to work." I stared at his chest, his arms, his abs. Every breath sent a ripple through his muscles, and an answering ripple of need through me. "So why steal it? Why not just copy?" His soft lips caressed my cheek, my ear. "Because even then you wouldn't bother to look at me." He sucked gentle kisses down my neck. "You'd still only look at yourself." I tried to keep my hands clenched and away from him, but I couldn't stop them from roaming his body...my body. "I don't need to move on. I can stand to be a little sick for the rest of my life. I can even stand being celibate." My palms slid upward, and my thumbs rubbed over his tight nipples, sending shivers through us both. "We can be friends, and you can walk with me whenever you want. Doesn't that sound nice?" He flexed his pecs into my hands, and the raw pleasure that tore through me finally made sense. "Joel, the spell will be complete in the next life. Everything will be perfect. You'll see." He straightened and caressed my mouth. "And I'll be there with you." I slammed my fist into his chest, which only made the hard bulge in his jeans swell even bigger. "Why do you always say that like it's going to comfort me!" His smile faded. "The thought that you'll always be there comforts me," he said, his voice soft. "I know it just makes you yell, but it's the only thing I can ever think to say." Stopping short, I straightened in his lap. "How about, 'Joel, let's drop this whole insanity right now.' Why don't you try saying that?" Walker trailed his fingers up my chest, my throat, and cupped my chin in his hand. "Joel, have you ever sucked cock before?" My body recoiled. His hand held me fast. "No!" - 47 -

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"But you want to suck mine, don't you?" I gasped, and my neck strained as I tried to resist nodding. His other hand went to his jeans, unfastened the catch and drew down the zipper. "Now, I know I told you before to use your teeth often." He shook his head. "But you don't want to use them here. You just want to use your lips and your tongue. Understand?" "Yes," I whispered. He reached in and freed his dick. The large, flared head strained toward me as the veins along its thick shaft pulsed with power. I stared helplessly, my mouth watering. "A-After this, it'll be over?" "No." His knuckles skimmed over my crotch, and my own cock jumped at the hot touch. "Only your orgasms trigger the change. But my body is close enough to your idea of perfection that I think you'll really enjoy this, and you'll be nice and warmed up for when I strip you down and make you come." My entire body quaked in anticipation. Walker slipped his hand into my hair, guided my head downward. Closing my eyes, I parted my lips and took him into my mouth.

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9 I threw a set of winter clothing into a duffel bag, my hands shaking as I zipped it up. "Joel?" Shit. Walker had gone to a party. I wasn't expecting him back so soon! I didn't say anything as I swept up the cash on my nightstand and shoved it into my pocket. "Joel?" asked Walker again, his voice rumbling through the room. "Where are you going?" "Away," I muttered. Probably impossible now, but I had to try. "For... For how long?" I hauled up my bag, my body barely able to take the weight as I dragged it to my shoulder. "Forever!" Walker grabbed my arm and forced me to face him. "Why?" Fear rippled through my system when I set eyes on him. My nose only came up to his chest now, and his body loomed huge and broad before me. Every rounded muscle was swollen and hard—an embodiment of intimidation and raw power. "Why?" I fought past the fear, past the crippling arousal that had plagued me since this life began. "Because you lied to me! Because the spell hasn't changed at all! Because I can't live with you and look in the mirror every day!" His hand tightened on my arm, and he lowered his head. "Give it time. I'm feeling much better, so maybe you just have to—" "Shut up!" I tried to jerk free of his hold; he easily held me fast. "I'm never going to feel better, and I need to get away from you before you fuck around and make me smaller." He tugged me close. "Don't go." His eyes crinkled at the corners as he appeared to search for a good reason. "It's snowing outside. You'll get sick." "Being sick and free is better than living with you." I yanked my arm again, and again. Knowing Walker pretty well now, I put more and more force into the struggle, letting his hard fingers bruise my skin. Walker released me—for all his faults, he couldn't stand to see me hurt myself. "I'll make it up to you. I'll fix it." I snatched up my keys. Pleading tones marred his low voice. "I'll do anything. I'll give you anything." "How many times do I have to say it? I don't want anything from you." His breath caught. "Joel." I walked past him. "Please," he said softly. Ignoring him, I grabbed the doorknob. His voice died to a barely audible whisper. "You don't want to leave me." The bag fell from my shoulder as I dropped my forehead against the door. "Stop it," I begged. "Just stop it." From behind, his hands slipped over my shoulders, down to my arms. "I can't." Struggling against his spell, I tried to escape again. "You want to stay with me, Joel." My knees buckled, and Walker followed me to the floor. "I w-want to stay." "Yes." He dragged me to his body, and his chest pushed into my back as he stroked my hair. "You want to stay with me. You never want to leave." I groaned with the pain of it, the anguish brought on by the knowledge that I was his prisoner forever. "I shouldn't have bothered packing. I should have just made a run for it." "I would have followed, and I would have found you." He turned me over, looked at me with steady, serious eyes. "I'd have gone through your family and every friend you'd ever had, but I would have found you." My heart skittered in my chest. "My family?" He nodded as his knuckles caressed my cheek. "And I'd have brought you right back here." I squeezed my eyes shut. "Why can't you just find somebody else to torture?" His long fingers brushed the curve of my ear. "You want to lay against me." Confused, unable to disobey, I slid closer and nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder. "Wh-Why...?" "I like holding you." - 49 -

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"You've never—" "Sure I have." He went back to stroking my hair. "You pass out when we have sex, but I'm still wide awake. I like having you against me then—you're so peaceful and relaxed." "I'm unconscious." He chuckled. "Yeah, but it's still a good time for me." He pulled me flush against his body. "Now is a good time for me too, even though you're pissed." I tried to shove myself away from him, but Walker locked his arms and pinned me in place. "Let me go!" "No, because you don't want to go." My body fell still. He nuzzled my hair. "You smell so good. I don't know what it is, exactly, but it's a damned sight better than my scent." I couldn't stop myself from inhaling. "B-But you smell like flowers." His voice darkened. "Don't remind me." I went quiet, unable to move, unable to fight. Walker's hands slipped under my shirt as his lips brushed my forehead. The contact panicked me into renewing my struggles. "Don't! Please." "Shh." His palm slid over my stomach. "We're not going to fuck tonight." "Then why are you doing this?" I asked, trying to push his arms away. They felt like steel under my fingers. "More of that torture, I guess." His hands stopped moving as his mouth found my ear. "You don't want to leave me." He kissed my neck. "Promise you'll never run away." "I'm not promising you anything." "Fine," he murmured, hugging me closer. "In the last life you made me an offer. You said if we didn't fuck you'd let me walk with you." His strong arms; those hard, hot muscles... I couldn't get away from my own arousal. My cock leapt in my pants, begging for his touch, his mouth. I forced myself to ignore its plea. "And you fucked me anyway, didn't you?" Walker licked the corner of my mouth, teased me with his lips. "Make the offer again. I'll take it this time." My gaze darted to his. "What?" "If you'll let me be with you, if you promise not to run away, then we won't fuck unless you ask." "I'm never going to ask." He brushed a lock of hair back from my forehead. "Then say yes." There was no escape from him. Walker was a liar, and I didn't doubt he was lying about this as well, but I had no choice but to agree. It was my only chance at a little peace. "Yes, " I whispered. "You don't want to leave me." I curled my hands into his shirt. "I don't want to leave you. " "You want to stay with me." I shuddered. "Why do you keep invoking the spell?" A large, heavy palm smoothed up and down my back. "Because I'm scared I'll wake up and you won't be here. " Walker touched his lips to my temple, my cheek, my mouth. "You want to stay with me." Closing my eyes, I let my lips move against his. "I want to stay with you." Walker drew me closer, kept murmuring the invocation until we both fell asleep on the hard floor. I dreamt of a spiral covered in snow.

Stretched out on the bench, I tucked my arm beneath my head. Far above, wisps of ivory slid along a wide expanse of flawless blue. Spring sunlight kissed my skin, but a lingering winter chill still had me wearing a jacket. It was nice. Peaceful. Even with April cooing as she sat cross-legged on top of the picnic table next to me, flipping through my notebook. - 50 -

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"These are spectacular, Joel. You should start submitting your work." My mouth curved into a faint smile. She never stopped with that. "Be serious." "I am serious. Someday, students are going to read your stuff in the classes we're taking right now." "For what? Lessons in how not to write?" She sighed, leaning over the table to slip the notebook into my bag. "I'm going to make it my life's mission to make you realize your talent, you hear me? Even if I have to nag you from the wheelchair next to you in our nursing home." I chuckled. In this life, April wasn't just my friend. She was my best friend, and she was determined to stay that way. Hanging off the edge of the table, she looked down into my eyes. "Although my newfound mission might get substantially harder if you flunk out of school. " She shook her head. "How can someone so fabulously brilliant in writing and literature be so dense with math and science?" Academic probation. Had gotten the notice today. I think April had been more upset than I was. "I wasn't even good with English up until a while ago." "I remember. What happened? One day you just picked up a pen and took off." My entire life spun away from me, but I couldn't tell her that. "Just finally had something to say, I guess. " I shrugged. "I'll sign up for a tutor or something tomorrow. " "Today." My voice firmed. "Tomorrow. I've decided to spend the rest of today right here, relaxing." "Hmm. " April softened, lying closer to me. "That sounds like a good idea. I don't think I've ever seen you this laid back. It looks good on you." Reaching up, I tugged on a lock of her auburn hair. "Why aren't we dating?" I was only teasing, of course. I wasn't attracted to her, and I didn't think she was attracted to me. But I felt playful. "Because the first week of our freshman year, we decided we were better off friends. Besides, you are really, really dedicated to your abstinence thing, and I have needs. " She smiled down at me. "But a lot of my girl friends are totally hot for you. Want me to set you up?" I rolled my eyes. "Now, you know that no woman in her right mind even looks my way. Most of the time, I don't even hit their line of sight." "Joel, you're not that short." Her hand slipped down, brushed the hair out of my eyes. I was growing it longer now. Liked to hide my face. "And you have no idea how sexy you are." I shot her a look, telling her I knew better. She kept stroking my hair. "One hundred percent forthright here. You've got that lean, rock star body. You're always sitting under some tree writing in your notebook and ignoring the outside world. You're filled to the brim with classic, poetic angst. Trust me, you're irresistible." My brow furrowed. "Angst?" Her fingers caressed my forehead. "Oh yeah. You ooze it. And that's the key to every truly great, tragically beautiful romantic hero." That didn't seem right. Why would any woman want a guy who didn't do much more than mope around all day? "Enough with the pep talk." "I am not peppy." I leveled her with a steady gaze, and she broke. "Alright, I'm peppy, but truthful. If you weren't such a loner, you'd see it too. Of course, then you'd lose angst points, but you've got so many that I don't think it would hurt your overall appeal." The smile returned to my lips. "April, how can I be a loner when I've got you?" I chuckled. "And Walker." She smiled back at me. "You don't sound so happy about that second part." "There's no getting rid of Walker. I've learned that by now." I arched my back, stretching before I settled down and got more comfortable. "But he's mellowed out over the last few months. Not so bad." "You two are so mismatched. I'm surprised you get along at all." The spiral inside of me spun 'round. Constant. Forever, probably. Walker's big solution hadn't improved things at all. And he'd lied to me about feeling better, because I'd caught him throwing up in the bathroom more than once. He'd tried to play it off and blame it on partying too hard, but there was no denying that the spell was still going strong. Although the teasing, touching, kissing continued on, he hadn't invoked the spell since the night he'd used it to make me stay with him. Hadn't pushed me into sex. And as long as I paid attention to him a bit every day, he more or less let me live my life. - 51 -

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That much he'd managed to stay truthful about. "We are mismatched," I agreed. And I think Walker finally understood that. "But, like I said, it's not so bad." Even the kissing wasn't so— "You don't find him a little...creepy?" Deja vu struck me. Hard. "Why do you say that?" "I don't know." She went back to playing with my hair. "Something about him." I raised an eyebrow. "Are you really going to try and convince me you're not hot for his body?" April stuck her tongue out at me. "Shyeah. If he so much as looked at me, I'd be climbing him like Everest. But it's raw sexual attraction, nothing more. And moot, to boot. He doesn't really look at anyone. He's a little like you that way." I tried to keep my next question casual. "He doesn't look at anyone? How do you know that?" "Rumors. I suppose he could be discreet about his sex life, but that seems unlikely, given his place in the social strata." Had Walker really been going without sex all this time? It was easy enough for me—I kept to myself and poured all that energy into my writing. But football season was over and I remembered how I'd been in that body. Going a week without getting laid had been inconceivable. "You're his roommate, Joel. Does he ever bring anyone back with him?" A soft, languid hum flowed out of me. "You know what I want?" She tilted her head to the side. "What?" "I want to take a nap." Her laughter floated around me. "Going back to your room?" "No," I said, my voice husky. "I want to stay out here, and I want you to keep stroking my forehead just like you're doing now until I fall asleep. Do that for me?" Her fingers kept their soothing rhythm as genuine affection warmed her features. "Sure. You deserve to have a nice..." A shadow fell over us, blocking out the sun, and my mouth crooked. "I knew it wouldn't be that easy." I turned my head, saw my cursed gypsy towering over us. "Hello, Walker." He glared down at me, his fists clenched so tight that his arms shook with the force of it, that the tension in his muscles stretched his t-shirt taut over his heaving chest. Rage. My fragile serenity slipped away. Walker had never been angry with me. Not really. I had no idea what had sparked this. "What's wrong?" His hard, dark gaze flicked to April's hand, to April, then back to me. April squeaked and drew her hand away. It didn't help Walker's mood. "We're going back to our room. Now." I pushed myself up into a sitting position. "Why?" Tension radiated from his big body. "I gotta talk to you." I thought about my blue sky, my wispy clouds. "Can't it wait until later?" "No." He bent over, just slightly, just enough to bring attention to the fact that his shoulders were almost twice as broad as mine. "Get up, Joel." Slowly, I got up. "W-Wait," said April, sliding to her feet. "Shouldn't you ask if Joel wants to go?" Surprise made me spin to look at her. Was I really so frail now that petite, book-toting women felt compelled to leap to my defense and face down football players? Walker wasn't impressed with her bravery. "Oh, he wants to come with me." His voice softened, brushed over my skin like black silk. "Don't you, Joel?" April met my gaze, watching expectantly. My eyes closed as the words twined around me. When I opened them again, I smiled and picked up my bag. "He's right. I really do want to go." Her lips parted. "Joel." That pained confusion in her face made me realize something. Since that first day, so many months ago, Walker had only invoked this spell in front of another person three times. All three times, I'd somehow managed to achieve a bare moment of tranquility. All three times, I had been with April. I realized something else, too. Nothing had changed. I thought Walker and I had come to an understanding, but he still controlled every - 52 -

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aspect of my life. "Let's get going, Joel," he said. I was still a dog on a short leash. My hand tightened on the strap of my bag. "One second." Still smiling, I walked closer to April, knowing I was likely going to get killed for what I was about to do. If I was going to rebel, I might as well go all out. My voice was low as I tugged on the collar of April's little sweater vest, but I made sure that Walker could catch every word. "You meant what you said before?" My fingers danced down to the kitten embroidered just above her breast. This one wore a raincoat while it held an umbrella over its head. "You think I'm sexy?" She blinked down at me, nodded. "Good." I dropped my voice to a whisper he couldn't hear. "I don't feel so guilty about doing this to you, then." "Joel?" she asked softly. Grinning, I pushed myself up on my toes the extra inch I needed to capture her lips with mine. She tasted good, like berries, but that didn't surprise me. She always had that stuff in her bag or purse. April gasped into my mouth, and I used the shock to make the kiss look more intimate than it was—dipping my tongue forward, teasing her until her hands fluttered up to my shoulders. For good measure, I slipped my hand to the small of her back, pulled her flush against me. Her body molded to mine, she moaned, and I broke the kiss. "See you next life, April," I said, winking at her. "Be sure to remember me." Dazed, she gave me a goofy smile. "W-Will do." Turning around, I cast a sidelong glance way, way up at Walker as I strode past him. "Words can't describe how very much I want to go back to our room right now." His eyes narrowed, and his chestnut skin burned with more anger. My mouth crooked as I headed for the dorms. Walker's stride was longer, his legs more powerful, so he was out front in a matter of seconds. Couldn't help myself from watching his back—it took up most of my field of vision—and it was a beautiful back. That self-love thing again. Even knowing about it hadn't helped me to get over it. And I tried, with a determination that now had me on academic probation. The tight red t-shirt he wore wasn't helping matters, either. Every muscle in that broad wall of a back was outlined, made more prominent by his tension, his anger. His traps, his lats, his rhomboids and delts rolled against each other with every step, fighting for supremacy. One thing about being in my own body: I never got to fully appreciate how I looked from behind. The way that ass filled out those jeans... It was better than any poem I could write. Walker's irate voice cut through my musings. "You kissed her." "I know what I did. I was there." A snarl rumbled out of his big body as he kept his gaze locked forward. "I can't... I can't believe you kissed her!" The muscles in his back swelled and rippled. I raised an eyebrow, wondering just how much of a show I'd get if I pushed him over the line. Ah, hell, I was damned anyway. "Really? That surprises me." "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he asked, finally looking down at me. A small, trembling voice inside my head warned me against saying it. But I'd been living an illusion while the seasons changed around us. There was no stopping this. So I smiled, and ran with it. "You're always asking why my mouth tastes so sweet when I don't eat much candy, don't carry lip balm." I gave a little backward nod. "Well, she's why." Walker stopped in his tracks, and all the anger vanished from his face to coalesce in his eyes. "What?" I looked straight at the shelf of his pecs, then lifted my head. "Oh yeah, you don't think I'd buy that stuff on my own, do you? In fact." I swept my thumb over my mouth. "Remember when Chad busted open my lip and you offered to put something on it? I said no, right?" I stepped closer, smiling into his eyes. "I didn't say - 53 -

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no to her. She patched me up nicely." His jaw ticked and he spun away, stalking toward the dorms again. "We'll see how she feels about you in the next life." It didn't shock me that he intended to break his word. It was Walker, after all. "I'm curious about that, myself," I said blandly, sliding a hand into my pocket as I followed him. "In the last life, I just told her how I much I appreciated her friendship. I spoke entirely in metaphor and simile, but it was enough to earn total dedication from her this time around. Now I've kissed her..." I clucked my tongue against the roof of my mouth. "You think we'll be a couple?" "There's no way in hell you'll be her boyfriend!" he shouted, so loudly that it drew stares from other students. It scared me to the core. I'm not stupid. But I kept my face calm. I'd never been able to hurt Walker Cain, and if this was doing it, then any punishment was worth it. "You'd know, I guess. You understand the spiral a lot better than I do." My voice softened, just a little, as some real wistfulness crept in. "If it did happen, though, I think I'd like it. She listens when I speak. She always tries to be honest. Being around her is so much easier than being around you." Walker didn't answer, just strode faster. So fast that I had trouble keeping up, and I stumbled. "What's the matter, Joel?" he gritted out. "Too much man for you now? I thought you liked 'em tall." Breathing hard, I had no problem dishing as good as I got. "From what I've read, the original Cain did quite a bit of walking himself when he was kicked out of his home. You probably need those long legs a lot more than I do." He threw open the door to the dorms, stormed through the lobby. "Shut up." I grinned. "Isn't that my line?" Swearing viciously, he took the stairs three at a time. "You want to try and keep up with me, Joel." Sighing, I pushed my smaller body as hard as I could. He stalked into our room, prowled the space as I closed the door behind us. I dropped my bag to the floor, leaning back against the wall as I caught my breath. Walker knocked one of his trophies off a shelf, breaking it to pieces, and my head tilted toward the ceiling. Soft, exhausted laughter flowed out of me. "What?" My shoulders shook. "You're about to wreck my life again, I'm about to miss being five foot four, and I feel more alive than I have in weeks." I met his dark gaze, and more laughter spilled out of me. "How twisted is that?" "I can't believe you kissed her." His fingers uncurled as he stared at me. "I can't believe you've been kissing her all this time." My smile faded. I'd wanted to hurt him, and I had. But it hadn't given me the satisfaction I'd expected. I thought that knowing I was damned anyway would give me the freedom to do what I wanted, to revel in it. Instead, I felt empty, a little guilty. I wasn't Walker. I couldn't see the world the way he did. "I haven't," I admitted. "Just now was the first time I'd ever kissed April, and I did it because I was angry with you." His hooded eyes lit into me. "You're just scared, trying to talk your way out of this." "Newsflash, Walker: I'm always scared of you." I crossed my arms over my chest. "But you saw the look on her face. She was mortified." His body went tight again. "That wasn't..." He swore loudly. "She was giddy." "Trust me." I shook my head. "I know her better than you do. She was just shocked." "I don't believe you," he muttered. "You're the liar, not me." His temper sparked to full life. "I heard you! She'd called you sexy!" I should have let him believe what I'd originally intended. I could still let him believe that. It would be easier, and the end result would be the same. It really burned, having a conscience. I don't remember being that bothered by it in my first life. "I took that out of context. April's always trying to build up my self-esteem. She made the 'sexy' comment because she was spinning this line about her friends wanting me." - 54 -

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Darkness swept into his expression, and I knew I shouldn't have mentioned that last part. "Her friends want you?" he asked quietly, dangerously. I didn't answer. "Unbelievable." Walker prowled the room again, filling the space. "When I was your size, I was lucky if I could get someone to tell me the time. But not you." He looked at me, raised his hands. "The world still loves Joel Beckett." Frowning, I straightened away from the wall. "What did you just say?" "You fucking heard me." Comprehension seared my guilt away, brought my own anger blazing back. "My God. You are just like your namesake." Walker stiffened. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about." "Oh, I think I do." I stared up at him, unable to believe I'd been so complaisant for so long, that I ever thought Walker and I could... "Cain and Abel give an offering, and God accepts Abel's sacrifice, but not Cain's. Cain can't stand it. He can't stand that Abel gets all that attention. So he kills his brother, so no one will pay attention to him any more." "Shut up," said Walker. I hit my palm against my chest. "Thousands of years later, Walker Cain watches Joel Beckett living a blessed life and sees green. He tells himself that all he wants is Joel, that the life-sucking spell he casts is a mistake, and he's a master liar so he believes. He takes from Joel, little death by little death, until he has everything Joel's ever had." "I said shut up!" I took a step forward and kept telling the story. Preached it like it was gospel. "Only it's not enough. Walker Cain can't be satisfied with owning Joel, body and soul. He has to make sure no one else wants him, either. Because it's in his blood—that pure, cardinal sin. He has to make sure that Joel is dead to the world, so no one will pay attention to him...ever...again." "NO!" roared Walker, with such force that my back thumped against the wall. "You don't know a goddam thing about me, Joel! I hate it when other people want you, but not because I'm jealous of the attention you get! Not because I covet your life. I hate it because as long as other people want you then you'll never... You'll never..." He growled in frustration, knocked more of his trophies off the shelves. "Never, what?" I asked, my voice clipped and unsympathetic. He looked daggers at me. "When I saw you smiling up at that girl just now, I could see the intimacy between you two." Back to this again. Bad enough that we were trapped in a spiral, Walker thought that way as well. "One kiss, that's all. You know better than anyone I haven't had sex with her." His mouth set into a hard, grim line. "I guess I should believe that, since a narcissistic fuck like you couldn't possibly get into it unless there was something to get out of it." My body went still as my eyes narrowed into slits. "I'm done with you, Walker. No more hanging out, no more nice little strolls at midnight, no more falling into your body when you pull me in for a kiss." I shook my head. "From now on, everything we do together will happen only because you invoke that handy spell of yours." Walker clenched his fist. "Joel—" I turned, started to open the door. "You don't want to leave me." My hand slipped from the knob. "Let me go." "I can't." Around and around... Slicing and taking... Begging and killing... Another wave of deja vu hit me, but I was determined that things be different this time around. "You want me, right? That's all you ever wanted? That's the story you're sticking with." "Yes." Rounding on him, I swept my hand through the air between us. "Look in the mirror, Walker. You are me, - 55 -

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now. So why don't you just go FUCK YOURSELF!" Walker's body started as his eyes widened. We stood there for countless seconds, staring at each other as the whirlwind built between us. Then he said them. Those words I despised so much. "W-Want me." My foot slid forward, and I gritted my teeth, trying to hold myself back. My hand knocked over a mug on my desk, and it shattered against the floor. I stared down at the jagged, broken pieces. This was my life. Dropping to my knees, I grabbed one of the bigger shards. "Joel, what are you doing?" asked Walker, easing closer. "I'm through with little deaths." I brought the ceramic to my wrist. "One step closer, and I'm going for the big one." "You don't want to hurt yourself, Joel!" My hand started to pull back, and I growled, pushing it forward again. "I don't want it, but I'll sure as hell do it if I have to." Walker froze in place. "You call me a narcissist, and maybe I am. But you had best take a good, hard look at yourself, Walker, because you are something much, much worse." My hand shook, but I kept it in place with my will, my power. "You're the one who cast a spell in some fucked up attempt to make me your lover—" "You are my lover." "No, Walker! Lovers love each other, you sick bastard!" The shaking spread to my whole body. "You take my will, my emotions, away from me and expect me to... I don't even know who I am anymore." I stared down at my wrist. "I should at least have that, shouldn't I? If I don't, then what's the point?" My voice dropped to a whisper as the cool ceramic touched my skin. "What's the point?" "Want me, Joel!" I paused, struggled to fight through it. Walker dove forward and grabbed my wrist. "You want to kiss my mouth." He pulled me against his body. "You want to lick my neck." His hand cupped my face as his lips went to my ear. "You want to bite my nipples." His thumb caressed my wrist. "You want to open your hands." He nuzzled my hair. "You want me inside of you." My body shuddered. It was too much, too intense. I couldn't fight all the different invocations—I couldn't even keep track of them—and the broken ceramic slipped from my fingers, clattering to the floor. "That's it," whispered Walker, drawing me to my feet. "You want to stand up now." The intensity spun out of control, shredding me apart. Kiss... Lick... Mouth... Nipples... Bite... Neck... Open... Want... I cried out, clawed at his hard body as my own convulsed against him. Spasms racked my brain as I tried to do it all, but I couldn't get to him fast enough, couldn't keep the words straight in my mind. "Joel!" "It's too much!" I buried my face into the valley of his pecs, screaming into his chest, yanking at his t-shirt with barely responsive hands. "I want..." My muscles cramped. "I want..." Walker tore off his shirt and pulled me close. My mouth clamped onto his nipple; I bit down hard. His hands slid to my ass, and he hiked me up. My legs wrapped around him; I licked a wet path up the cord of thick muscle on his neck. Blindly, desperately, I searched out his lips, caught his mouth because I wanted to kiss it more than I wanted air. The hard, strong arms holding me tightened, and Walker's chest heaved as I deepened the kiss, his pecs - 56 -

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pushing me back with every breath even as I struggled to get closer. I moaned when he pulled his head away, when he tangled his fingers in my hair. "I'm sorry, Joel." My hands skimmed over his broad shoulders. "Inside me." They glided up his neck and cupped his face. "Inside me." My voice dropped to a whisper as I kissed him again and again. "Inside..." Walker closed his eyes, nodded. And took us down the spiral.

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10 The lady behind the counter smiled as she handed me a brown medium-sized package. "Here you go, Tiger." Tiger. Sparky. Sport. I had a long, long list of nicknames now. At five feet flat, I guess it was inevitable. On the upside, no one called me 'Thumper.' I wasn't sure, but I think standing up to Walker in the life before had sent ripples into this one. Bottom line—people didn't think of me as 'skittish' so much anymore. My arms strained as I took the package, but I was careful not to show it on my face. I knew from experience that looking like I couldn't handle something would send good Samaritans rushing to help me. "Thanks." As I walked out of the campus post office, I checked the label on the box. Another package from my mother? She seemed to send a lot of them—I'd gotten one last week and there was a pile of empty boxes at the foot of my bed. And she called every couple of days, just to see if I was alright. I liked that she cared, but it bothered me to be a constant source of concern for my parents. That they worried I couldn't look out for myself. Someone patted my head as they passed by me. "Hey Joel." "Hey," I said absently. Another someone—this one female—ruffled my hair. "Hi, cutie." Oh, how I missed five foot four. "Hi." I made it back to the dorms and climbed up the stairs. By the first flight I was huffing, but I refused to take a break. My shorter legs and smaller muscles made the steps seem a lot bigger than they really were, but if I was ever going to adjust to this life then I needed to build up some stamina. Pausing a moment, I wondered about the point of adjusting, then shook off the thought and pressed on. I fumbled with the box and the door, somehow made it inside. Sitting on the floor by my bed, I tore open the package and checked out what Mom sent me this time. A smile curved my mouth when I saw the card nestled on top. To our son, on his birthday— My birthday was today, and I'd completely forgotten. Feeling like a child again, I reached in and snatched up the card. It was signed by both my parents, as well as by all three of my brothers. I glanced up, jarred as usual by the photos on my nightstand. The one that always struck me hardest was the one of me and Jeremy, my youngest brother. In the picture he was grinning broadly, his arms wrapped around my body. As far as I could tell, it was taken over Christmas vacation, and we were close. At thirteen, Jeremy stood four inches taller. His shoulders were wider; his arms were just a shade thicker. Puberty was just starting to hit his body, so he'd probably shot up a bit more since I'd come back to school. My gaze drifted to the other photos crowding my nightstand. Mom, Dad, my older brother Joseph, and my other younger brother Jacob all had their turns hugging me in almost a dozen different pictures. My whole family seemed to dote on me, and I counted myself lucky. With brothers as big as mine, it was a wonder to see myself smiling around them at all. Maybe standing up to Walker had helped there, too. Walker... I closed my eyes, took a deep breath. Then I went back to my package. My eyebrows lifted when I picked up a box of cake mix. And a box of candles. "Mom," I said, chuckling softly. "You are definitely interesting in this life." Although, to be fair, in my original life we weren't close enough that she'd send me any sort of care package on my birthday. More likely a card with some spending money tucked in. This seemed better. Weird. But personal, at least. The door opened, and I glanced up. Walker Cain ducked under the doorframe, twisted his body slightly so his shoulders could slip through as he entered the room. His gaze rested on me as he straightened and shut the door behind him. - 58 -

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"Hi, Joel. Another package?" I stared up at him, awed as his body eclipsed the doorway. He kept his clothing simple now, but at six foot ten he had little choice. The material of his t-shirt hugged his pecs, contoured over his hard abs as it disappeared into his slacks. Long, long legs. God, they seemed to go on forever. He glanced at the card on the floor next to me. "Are you celebrating something?" At the candles in my hands. "Your birthday?" Fear lanced through me and I scrambled to my feet, broke into a run. I didn't know where I was running—just knew I had to get away. "Whoa." With one big step, Walker blocked my path and engulfed my shoulders with his huge hands. "Joel?" My nose was level with his navel now, and wild instinct took over as I slammed my fist into his stomach. The rock hard muscles felt like a brick wall and I recoiled, cradling my hand against my chest. "Don't do it, Walker!" He dropped to one knee in front me, still had to look down to meet my gaze. "Do what?" "Celebrate." I curled my body tighter into itself, knowing I couldn't break his hold. "Please." "Oh." One of his palms slipped downward, and his fingers brushed against my aching hand. "I won't say the words." He pulled away from me, sat on the floor. "Promise." I stood rooted to that spot, watching him. His mouth crooked. "I know my word means jack-shit." He glanced away. "But I mean it. Really." Slowly, cautiously, I went to sit next to my package. Walker kept his gaze averted. "H-How old are you?" "Twenty." He chuckled. "I turned twenty just before the fall semester started. Weird, I always assumed you were older." I didn't know what to say to that, so I just sat quietly, waiting for his next move. "Why aren't you out celebrating with April?" "She doesn't know." I hugged my knees to my chest, caught off-guard by how easily the action came to me. "I didn't even remember it until I received the package from my mother." Seconds ticked by, before he seemed to screw up his courage. "April went with you to the doctor's yesterday, right? To get your test results?" I thought about that long wait, how grateful I'd been to have a close friend there. "Yes." Walker finally looked at me, his voice a whisper. "Are you okay, Joel?" For a fleeting moment, I considered not telling him, just to see if it would make him suffer. But that look in his eyes—vulnerable, scared—drew the answer out of me. "All the scans came back normal. Dr. Arness said the headaches were probably stress induced. Especially since they've cleared up now." "They've cleared up?" He twisted his body. "Really?" I nodded, rested my chin on my knees. "You almost sound as if you were worried about me." "I was!" He edged closer, and I could feel the heat rolling off his body, catch the scent of hyacinth. "When the sun rose on this life and you were in so much pain... It tore me apart inside." "Funny way of showing it," I murmured. "It's been two weeks, and this is the first time you've even asked about it." "You don't believe me." Walker leaned forward, bracing his hand flat against the floor. "Joel, you scared the hell outta me when you put that broken mug to your wrist. I freaked out, could only think of one thing to make you stop. I didn't know," his fingers curled into a tight fist, "I didn't know invoking the spell so many different ways would hurt you." I rubbed a circle on my forehead with my fingers, wondering if he told the truth. With Walker, you could never be sure, but it was so strange to see him prostrated before me this way. Those dark eyes had lost something. I couldn't place what. "You seemed to get along just fine afterward." His mouth worked: a few false starts before he actually said anything. "I was afraid to ask. I was afraid things would spin out of control like they did that day." "That day?" I cracked a dry, humorless smile. "Walker, things have been out of control from the moment you cast the spell." He gasped, then went back to sitting and staring at the floor. Another few minutes of silence passed, neither of us moving. The tension brought a familiar ache to my head. - 59 -

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If I got up, decided to spend my birthday away from here... Would he let me? I unfurled my legs. Walker reached out, his long arm stretching in front of my body. I froze, staring at his mountainous biceps, trying to summon the bravery I'd had in such abundance two weeks ago. But he was only reaching to pick up the box of cake mix. "Are you going to bake this today?" he asked, looking it over. "Ah, no," I said carefully. "I can't even make toast without burning it." "Really? Would you like me to bake it for you?" My eyebrows drew together. "You know how to cook?" "Oh sure. As long as there's a recipe to follow." He turned the box over in his hands, scanned the directions. "Not so different from creating a potion or elixir that way." Walker had a way of saying the craziest things as if they were casual conversation. "What... What kind of potions can you make?" "A lot of different kinds. Learned whenever my father was in the mood to teach me. Know one that helps you sleep, one that eases weariness after a hard journey. A fuckload of poisons." My breath caught. "Poisons?" "Yeah," he said absently, his eyes still on the cake box. "My family amasses them. I even invented one myself. Can turn a man's blood to ash. I think." He bit on his lower lip. "We don't have any eggs or milk, but I bet the ladies in the cafeteria will give me some if I ask. I could even use their oven instead of that shitty one in our lounge." It took a second to realize he'd smoothly switched gears on me, and was talking about the cake. "Walker," I said, wanting to get back to the more dangerous subject. "You were telling me about the poison that will turn blood into ash?" "I'm not a hundred percent sure it will. I know it'll kill whoever ingests it, but I never tested it on anyone." His face hardened, a subtle shifting of his features. "Almost tried it on Chad Henderson, though." My voice cracked. "What?" "In the life we were the same size. I saw that smug look on his face when he pounded you into the ground and I..." He took a deep breath, causing his chest to swell outward. "Took me a while to decide whether to kill him or move us forward. Even though he's a piece of shit, I thought you'd be more upset if I killed him." He frowned, glanced at me. "Was that right?" I hastily nodded. His entire face brightened. "Oh good! Then I didn't make the wrong decision, for once." The ease with which he could slip from one mood to another disquieted me. And I couldn't understand how someone could talk about killing so openly. "Have you ever killed anyone before?" "No," he said, picking up the box of birthday candles. "Never hated someone enough to get the urge." "Then why did you get the urge with Chad?" He glanced up, looked at me as if I should have known the answer. "Because he hurt you." Walker's life centered on me. He never deviated, he never tired. Me, I could see the gaps in the spiral, see the world outside. I was starting to realize that, for him, it was just the two of us. No one— nothing—else existed. "Walker," I ventured, my voice soft, gentle, "don't ever kill anyone, alright?" "You'd be upset?" "Very." "Okay," he said, before holding up the boxes. "Would you like me to bake this now?" Some of the light left his face. "Or are you gonna call April and go somewhere with her?" The tension in his muscles brought every crevice, every striation, into sharp relief. For a moment, all I could do was stare, and then I shook myself out of it. "If I did, would you let me leave?" His hands dropped as he cradled the boxes in his lap. "So you're going." Was that a yes? "You really don't like her, do you?" His voice cooled as he ducked his head. "I pretty much hate everyone who takes you away from me." My throat went dry, but I forced myself to ask the question. "You've never thought about killing her, have you?" "No, she never hurts you. And you like her so much that I know you'd cry if I laid a hand on her." "Hey, I wouldn't—" I stopped short, let that residual jock pride slip away. "Yes, I'd bawl if anything happened to her." - 60 -

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He nodded. "Seeing you cry would be like a preview. Couldn't stand that." I tilted my head to the side. "A preview of what?" Again, he looked at me as if I should have known. "Of hell." The air in my lungs went shallow. As good as I'd gotten with words lately, Walker's had just struck me speechless. "Joel?" He swallowed, his gaze intent on mine. "Are you going now?" It occurred to me that we'd never really talked. For the most part, anything of significance was usually conveyed through shouts or orders that inevitably deteriorated into sex. Maybe the key to surviving this spiral could be found in searching for something more. "I think I'd like to stick around for a bit." He broke into a huge grin. "Really?" Cursed, obsessed, undoubtedly insane. But just then—for a split second—he was almost...cute, and a smile touched my lips. "Really." That grin turned playful as he leaned forward, breathed warm words over my mouth. "Can I kiss you?" Confused, I drew back. "Since when do you ask permission?" His voice went husky as his eyes went even darker. "Can I?" Having him so close made my heart beat faster, the blood rush through my veins. Was this a new game? More manipulation? Dangerous, but I had to find out. "No." Walker sucked in his breath, frowned down at me. He lowered his head a fraction, then growled and shoved himself away. I stared at him, wide-eyed. What just happened? "You actually listened to me." He ran a shaking hand through his waves of dark hair. "Yeah." "Why?" "I'm trying." He scrubbed at his face. "This time I'm really trying. Even when it's not something I want." And it was hard. I could see that just looking at him. "What brought this on?" He lifted his head, his eyes roving over my body. "I want it to be easier for you to be around me." All the pain I'd gone through at the tail end of the last life, all the skull-splitting headaches that had been waiting for me in this one... Had something good come out of them? I shouldn't trust him. Not even for a second. But I needed to believe there was light at the end of this spiral. "Thank you, Walker." A trembling, nervous smile curved his full lips. "Is there something special you'd like me to give you for your birthday?" I fought the urge to hug my knees to my chest again. "You can't give me what I really want, can you?" The smile died as he shook his head. "If you could, would you?" He hesitated, glanced down at the boxes in his lap. "If I did, would you still let me bake this cake?" Soft, tentative. The question stunned me. "S-Sure." Walker traced the letters on the cake box with his finger. "Yeah, I'd reverse the spell. It's shit, anyway. I like bein' big, and I like the way everyone cranes their necks to look up at me, but nothing worked out the way I planned." His brow furrowed. "Maybe I coulda phrased it differently, or used different runes, or—" "Or not cast the spell at all?" His shoulders tensed, then slumped. "I want you. At least in the first life, you could stand to be around me. So yeah, if I could, I'd take us back to the beginning of the spiral." Gone was the unabashed pride I was so used to seeing in him. It made it harder to think of him as an evil, thieving monster, and I wasn't sure how to handle that. He looked at me, tried another smile. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can give you? My dad's rich— that's what he used his big spell for—so I can get you just about anything you can think up." I shook my head. Blowing out a frustrated breath, he looked around the room. To look for some clue, I suppose. His gaze came to a stop on an object under my bed. "Hey." Setting aside the boxes in his lap, he leaned over my legs to retrieve it. "Want to toss the football around?" - 61 -

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Hyacinth. Without thinking, I eased forward to take in more of that heady scent. It swirled its way inside of me as I stared at his arms, the line of his back, the flawless curvature of his ass. Everything about his body was... Brutally, utterly, erotic. "N-No," I stammered out, although I'd lost track of what I was denying. "You sure?" Football in hand, he began to draw back, causing his torso to undulate in front of my face. "You don't have the muscle you used to, but I bet you still have great form when you throw. You must miss playing, and I'd go easy on you." I had to curl my hands into fists to keep from touching him. "Actually," I breathed, "I don't miss it that much. Haven't even thought about it since the season ended." Walker glanced down at me, cocked an eyebrow. "How about seeing me without a shirt? Miss that?" I edged back from him. He didn't chase me. "I-I've seen you without a shirt." His grin matched that eyebrow. "Watching me at night doesn't count. How can you get a good look from your bed? In the fucking dark?" He set the football on the floor and reached behind him, grabbing his shirt between his shoulder blades. "Here, I'll let you see me in the daylight." "Walker, I don't want to-" "Touch me. I get it." He whipped his shirt off over his head. "But it's your birthday. You should be able to look, right?" Any protests I might have had evaporated. He was right—his body was an altogether different experience in the light of day. The savage rise of his traps, along with the sharp lines of his clavicles, formed a perfect diamond that framed his powerful neck. Dense, rounded muscle capped the expanse of his shoulders. His massive pectorals cast shadows over his upper abs. As my gaze slid down his torso, I watched the muscles in his stomach expand and contract with every breath. The fierce grooves separating each solid brick seemed to beg for attention from my fingertips... or my tongue. My head shot up, and I forced myself to focus on his eyes. Walker smiled, winked at me before picking up the football again. "You kept this." His face softened as he stared down at it. "Cool." I leaned forward, trying to get a better look. "I don't recognize it." His smile slipped. "No, I guess you wouldn't. I gave it to you last semester, in this life." Doubting I would ever accept a gift from Walker Cain in any life, I sat back, crossed my arms over my chest. "Don't tell me we're actually friends in this one?" "No, not really." His eyes went distant as he relived memories I'd never have. "You suck my cock whenever we're alone together." His gaze refocused on me as he grinned. "You have a fucking great mouth." I'm not entirely sure, but I think I might have squeaked right about then. He chuckled, before his humor faded. "We don't hang out, though. In the last life, we didn't fuck for weeks and weeks, but I think I liked it better there. Because I wasn't alone as much." Alone? Our paths didn't often cross, but I'd glimpsed Walker on campus. People lusted after him wherever he went, and he was out late almost every night. "What about the team? Aren't you having the time of your life with them?" "Sam makes sure I'm at all the parties." He shrugged. "I'm not tight with anyone. The only thing they want is my body—your body—and all I want is you, so there's no point in hanging out." Not just alone, but lonely. That had never even occurred to me as a possibility. "Sam seemed to be warming up to you the last time I spoke with him. You guys haven't managed friendship by now?" "I think some part of him remembers you, misses you. I think he's nice to me because he was there when I jumped Chad for putting that bruise on your body, and the ripples of that fight hit even here." Walker shook his head. "We're not friends. I don't have friends, Joel. Ever." It was a constant struggle to understand the world Walker lived in. "Sam's a good guy. If you tried—" "Trying does shit when you've got cursed blood." He took a deep breath, visibly forced the bitterness from his face. "You should talk to him. I bet you guys would be friends all over again." A shiver went through me. "Sam doesn't have the most progressive view toward gays." My gaze dipped to the floor as my voice dropped. "And I can't help the way I look at you." "He'd get over it." "How do you know?" "Because I'd get over anything if it meant being with you." - 62 -

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Old suspicions rose, and I glanced up, frowning. "Why are you pushing this so hard? I thought you hated anyone who took me from your side." "I do." He growled, rubbing the back of his neck. "The right and wrong thing is important to you, so I'm fucking going to figure it out. If being with Sam makes you happy, then it must be right." My eyes rounded. "That's how you're defining right and wrong? By what makes me happy?" Pride lit his face as he nodded. Oh, Jesus. "Walker, you can't do that." "Why not?" "Because I shouldn't be the center of your life!" His voice was gentle, a little confused. "But you are." Knowing how things would go if I kept shouting, I forced myself calm. "I'm not perfect—I make mistakes." I thought about all the lives I'd led, all the choices I wished I could change. "God knows I make so many mistakes. If you're sincere about this, if you're really trying to be a good person, then there are much better sources out there that will help you build your morality." "Like what?" he asked, incredulous and...amused. "The law? The bible? Complicated, contradictory." Walker snorted. "Fuck that." He was serious, and I wasn't strong enough for this kind of responsibility. "You can't—" "Joel, you're a good person. Even I can see that." He leaned forward, football still in hand as he rested his elbows on his knees. "The world around us means jack to me. Heaven could go down in flames for all I care. In the last life, I almost lost the one thing that matters." His bottomless eyes drew me in as he spoke. "I'm not going to let that happen again, so—from now on—what makes you happy is right, what makes you sad is wrong." Something told me that Walker was probably more trouble when he was trying to be good than when he simply let his curse guide his steps, and I could do nothing more than shake my head in wonder and a quiet sort of terror. He interpreted the action as agreement and smiled as he handed me the ball. "I gave this to you on Homecoming. It made you really happy." Trying to shift gears, I took it from him. "You gave me the game ball?" "Yep." He slid closer, bending his knees so that his thighs framed me on two sides. "Even signed it for you." Waves of heat enveloped me, and I stiffened as I tried to steel myself against it. "Walker, you shouldn't sit so close." "Shouldn't?" He lowered his head. "Are you telling me to move back? Would that make you happy?" His breath caressed my cheek. "Or do you think it'll make you sad?" My mind blanked as the scent of hyacinth swirled around me. He was listening to me now, I had to take advantage of that while he was still agreeable, but I couldn't summon the words. Walker laughed—low, throaty—as he looped an arm over my shoulder and turned the ball in my hands. "See? Signed it right there. You can barely read it 'cause of all the dust, though." His cheek brushed against mine as he lowered his head even more, blew a hard stream of air onto the football. The dust kicked up, right into my face, and I had a sneezing fit. He shot straight, held his hand in front of my nose. "Sorry about that," he said, snapping his fingers. A flash of obsidian sparked between his thumb and middle finger, and every speck of dust dissipated. "What..." I tilted my head back, stared up at him. "What did you do?" "Invoked a little Cain magic." He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, sending tingles cascading over my skin. "I used to be really sensitive to dust and pollen, so this spell came in handy. Hasn't bothered me at all since I got big." He smiled and ran a finger down the bridge of my nose. "Guess you're kinda delicate now that you're so small." I scowled. His eyebrows lifted as he drew his hand away. "It's wrong to tease you about your size," he murmured. "Yes, Walker, even more so when you're the one who took it from me." His hand glided downward, slipped around my waist to settle on my stomach. "I like it when you explain things, Joel." His palm firmed, drawing me tighter against his body. "Especially when you don't yell." Hard. Warm. God, and he smelled so sweet. I caught myself leaning in to him, jerked upright. "Let me go," I whispered. - 63 -

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His arms went to rest on his knees, but otherwise his big body didn't move. Think. Change the subject. Distract yourself. Something! What in the world had we been talking about? "C-Can you cast a lot of spells?" "Nothing cool." The tip of his nose brushed over my hair. "Cain magic is fucking weak." "Weak?" Disbelieving, I twisted around. "You changed reality." His mouth crooked. "That's the big spell. I only get one of those." I eased backward, into cooler air. "What is the 'big spell' exactly? Why do you only get one?" The playful seduction in his face gave way to unguarded desolation. "Joel, can I kiss you now?" Both the expression and the question took me by surprise, and I shook my head. "No. Answer my question." "Do you have to sit so far away?" he asked, his voice soft and pleading. "Can't we sit closer together?" Hard to decipher what was going on in his head. For the first time, I wanted to know for a reason other than self-preservation. "If I say yes, you'll tell me about the spell?" He faltered, but apparently he'd meant it when he said he'd get over anything to be close to me, because he nodded. I slid forward, let him take my hand when he tentatively reached for it. The sheer size of his fingers and palm almost distracted me, but I forced myself to concentrate. "Tell me." "I'm cursed." An unexpected smile touched my lips. "That much I understand." His gaze dipped to my mouth, and some of his tension left him as he stroked my wrist with his thumb. "When God set the Mark, Cain and all of his descendants got magic with it. Mostly it's crap—that spark you saw is as good as it gets—but once in our lives, each of us can cast a single spell that can do almost anything. Once we cast it, there's no changing it, no going back, no taking it back." He took a hard swallow, but didn't say anything more. So I pressed him, as gently as I could. "Is there a reason? For the spell? Why you get only one?" "It's our chance," he whispered. "Your chance for what?" His dark eyes caught the light and shimmered. "Redemption." "Re—" No, he couldn't mean... "What exactly are you saying, Walker?" The words tumbled out of him. "W-We get one chance to lift the curse. That's what we're supposed to use all that magic for. To fix our flaws, to heal the biblical scar, to open the doors to heaven..." His eyes crinkled at the corners. "Something. I never really understood." He shook his head. "Most of us fuck it up anyway. My dad's filthy rich but he's still a wanderer. He's still living in a new place every six months. The few who get it right can't help the rest of us, because the same spell never works for two people. The phrasing or runes or intent or even God's hand screws it." My head began to spin. "Walker." He pulled me closer. "No way was I going to solve the riddle, so it made sense to use a spell that powerful on something I wanted, right?" I looked away, started to feel sick. "Please don't say what I think you're going to say." Cupping my face in his hand, he tilted it up and smiled at me. "I wanted you, Joel. More than I wanted anything in my whole life." How could he... His one chance! How could he throw away his one chance at redemption? For anyone? Least of all— Warm, smooth lips brushed against mine. My body started. Walker stroked my back. "You taste so damned sweet. I don't care if that girl flavors your lips." He nipped at my mouth. "I just care about being here, with you." In a moment of illicit longing, my hands rose up to his shoulders, my fingers curled over his traps. His long arms wrapped around me, lifting me just long enough to lay me out on the floor. My grip went white. "Wait!" Holding himself over me with one arm, he caressed my cheek with the knuckles of his free hand. "I miss the way you used to let me touch you. Don't you miss that? Even a little?" It made me shake, staring at him. Fear and arousal trapped together in a jagged vortex. My gaze traveled - 64 -

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over his body as he held himself in a perfect one-armed pushup, his muscles relaxed as he waited for me to answer. I should be angry, bitter that he had so much strength. But right now all I felt was a hushed, wretched sort of yearning that I didn't want to acknowledge. "Joel?" His voice made the need inside of me twist and writhe. "Just touching?" He grinned, lowered his body on top of mine. "Walker," I gasped, shoving at him with my thin arms. "C-Can't breathe." The solid weight on my chest eased as he pushed himself to his forearms. "Sorry." He combed his fingers through my hair. "I forget how careful I have to be with you now." Careful. I took a deep breath, tried to keep the shame I felt at my own weakness at bay. My hand shot to Walker's when he reached for my shirt. "Wh-What are you doing?" "Stripping you down." He tugged at the material, playing against the feeble resistance of my hand. "I've got memories, but you haven't let me see your body since we started living here." I locked my arm, the muscles in my forearm, biceps, triceps, and shoulders straining with the effort. "It's nothing." Walker released the shirt, slipped his palm under it. "Doesn't feel like 'nothing' to me." His hand slid higher, and was so wide that his forefinger and little finger could caress both my nipples at the same time. "Mmm. Sexy as sin. Like always." "Sin is the last thing someone in your position should be thinking about," I muttered, shooting him a dark look. He laughed, a rumble of thunder through our bodies. "I'm okay with being damned as long as you let me take off this shirt." Floored by the cavalier statement, my body went slack. Walker took full advantage of that split-second mystification to drag the shirt off my body. "Hey!" Cool air breezed over my pale, naked skin, and I covered myself with my arms. "I didn't say you could do that!" "Didn't say I couldn't." With one hand, he easily took both my wrists and pinned them above my head. I struggled against him—his biceps didn't even flex. "Well I am saying you can't hold me down!" His hand tightened, then slid from my wrists. Breathing hard, I began to snatch up my shirt, pausing when I saw Walker's gaze fixed on my torso. He looked... entranced. He trailed his fingers down my chest, my stomach. I couldn't hide the shiver that went through me. "I still say it's worth it," he mused, as if talking to himself. His palm firmed, moved upward again. "Nothing in heaven could be better than this." My hand stopped halfway to my shirt as I remembered what he'd thrown away. "Walker, why would you even—" He pressed a kiss to the curve of my neck. "You make me fucking hot, Joel." My back arched, and the question I'd meant to ask fell away in favor of another. "Even when I'm this small?" Walker lifted his head, his heavy pecs pressing into mine with every breath. "Your eyes are so green. I swear the color gets deeper every day." He tangled his hand into my hair, twisted his fingers into the brown locks. "And I like that you're growing your hair longer now, because when I pull 011 it, you part those 'beg me' lips of yours. Drives me crazy." He grinned. "Yeah, just like that." The moan that whispered out of me would be my downfall. I knew that. And still my hands went to caress his chest; still I told myself that it was just touching. "And my body?" His warm palm went back to stroking my torso. "It's a great body, Joel. Slender, but you have more definition now than I did at tive-four." I grabbed his lats, found them too thick to get a good grip on as I tried to tug him closer, to catch his mouth. As, once again, desire began to spin beyond my ability to control it. "Why is that? I should be emaciated at this point, shouldn't I?" He teased me by dropping kisses on my forehead, the bridge of my nose, along the line of my jaw. "What does 'emaciated' mean?" - 65 -

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"Skin and bones." I turned my head, managed to nip his lower lip. "Abnormally weak." He groaned, his hands all over me. "I couldn't deal with that. Intent has a lot to do with the spell, so maybe—" He jerked his head up, stared down at me with wide eyes. "What?" I asked, trailing my fingers down the trench carved between his pecs. I started to push myself up, so my tongue could follow the same path. Walker grasped my shoulders, pinned me to the floor. "I would never want you to be as skinny as I used to be, so the spell keeps it from going that far. But the spiral, my intent, the transference." His brow furrowed. "Could be that I put more into it than I thought. Maybe... Maybe you were right before, and some part of me was jealous of your life. Wanted a piece of it." Reality came crashing down on my arousal like a storm of hail, and I tried to yank free of his hold. He easily held me down. "Even if that's true, I want you most, Joel! I swear." He laid his head on my chest. "From the day we moved in together, from the second you first shook my hand, I wanted you. I swear. I swear." He nuzzled my skin, his silken hair brushing against me. "I swear." My arms fell to my sides as I went still beneath him, shocked. His big body shuddered. "I know you don't believe me. You don't have any reason to believe me." His lips caressed my collarbone, my throat. "I have no idea why I'm even telling you this now, but I want you most. I want you more than anything." I'd never witnessed this kind of desperation before. I couldn't begin to fathom it. I could only ask the question I should have asked at the very beginning. "Why me?" He smoothed back my hair, kissed my cheek. "Because the hyacinth didn't drive you away." My focus began to slip, and I wrenched it back to where I needed it. "I don't understand." "The Mark." His hands were in my hair, on my shoulders, my chest. "People catch the fragrance, and deep down they know what I am. I had eight different roommates my freshman year. My mom left the day I was born. Dad says she never even held me." The breath stalled in my chest. Walker brushed his thumb over my lips. "But you..." He smiled. "When you met me, you just shook my hand, said hello. After that, whenever you were in the room, you'd talk to me like I was a human being." I tried to remember the brief, absentminded conversations I'd had with him back then. At the time, I never imagined something like that could have any kind of impact on a person. He twisted a lock of my hair around his forefinger. "Sam sensed what I was, from second one, and he sure as hell didn't like it. One time, he was in this room, and he told me to get out so you two could hang. You belted him on the chest, told him that it was my room too and that I could stay if I wanted." He tugged on my hair before moving on to caress the curve of my ear. "You didn't notice, but he was rubbing his chest for the next ten minutes. Nobody had ever defended me before." My lips parted. The ripples. They'd started even before the spell was cast. Tiny things, changing the course of my life. Walker dipped his finger into my mouth, teased the tip of my tongue before pulling out again. "I wanted you so badly. After a month, I noticed how bored you seemed with everything. You looked like you wanted something more." He shrugged. "I figured it might as well be me." I balled my hands into fists. "You're saying you did this for my benefit?" "No, I'm too selfish for that." He took my fist, pried it open and kissed my palm. "You gave me a second here, a second there. I wanted you to... I wanted you." His hands slipped to my back, arched me upward. "I want you." His searing mouth closed over one of my nipples. Hissing, I clutched at his shoulders, first to shove him away, then to pull him closer. "You're crazy," I whispered. "For you," he whispered back. My fingers raked over his skin. "Obsessed." "Devoted." Walker wasn't so bad with words, himself. I could feel myself slipping every time he spoke, powerless to stop the descent. Unable to deny the yearning inside me, I tweaked his nipples, squeezed his pecs before sliding my hands to explore the undersides of those hard muscles. "You're so big, and," I ran my palms along the ridges of his - 66 -

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stomach, "solid." He smiled, flexed for me. Gasping, I ran both my hands along the swell of his biceps, caressed the vicious horseshoe shape of his triceps. Walker skimmed his fingers down my cheek. "You really like my," his smile wavered as he corrected himself, "your muscles, don't you?" I paused, caught by the insecurity in his eyes. Before, when I hadn't wanted to take off my shirt, he'd shared a list of things about me that turned him on. About me. "Did you think about how great your girl smelled? How she felt under your fingers? How much you liked the sounds she made when you fucked her?" I shouldn't care. He was the one who had thieved and deceived his way into my life. But choices were so important—more important than I'd ever thought possible—and if Walker was going to learn honesty and genuine kindness, then it had to be from me. Because I was his world. "My muscles," I hesitated, because it hurt to confess what I'd been thinking since the last life, "they look better on you." A sharp intake of breath, and suddenly his voice sounded very young. "They do?" Sitting up, I let the pads of my fingers graze over his wide chest. "This cinnamon skin of yours." I felt awkward, covered it up by dropping a light kiss on his shoulder. "I-It's a better showcase for them." Unable to look into his eyes, I kept my face in the crook of his neck. "And you work harder a-at your body than I did." A tremor went through me as I forced myself to say it. "It's obvious." "I wanted to be strong enough to look out for you." He flexed hard, thrusting his chest deeper into my palms. "And I thought if there was more of the body you liked, then you'd like me more." It was difficult, to hear these things. To realize how hard he worked—was always working—to get closer to me. I couldn't reconcile those acts with the pain he'd put me through, and I laid there against his chest as I tried. Walker flexed again, this time pushing my entire body back with the force of his muscles, and I groaned. "I've never been this turned on." Walker slipped a hand under my chin, tipped my head back. "So you're glad I cast the spell?" "What? No!" I jerked my face from his hand. "I hate being small! People are always patting my head or ruffling my hair. People I don't even know," "They touch you without your permission?" His fingers clasped my jaw, drew my gaze back to him. "Was it like that in the last life?" "No," I mumbled, embarrassed for bringing it up at all. "It's like they think of me as a child now. A lady gardener on the quad even pinched my cheek yesterday." "It makes you sad." Still cupping my jaw, he brushed his thumb against my cheek. "I'll take care of it." And this is where my fears from earlier came in to play. "How?" "I'll scare the shit out of them," he said simply. "Kicking one or two asses should do it. I'll let them know that nobody touches you but me." I bit back a groan. "Walker," I said carefully. "Scaring people is wrong." "Upsetting you is wrong." Blowing out a slow breath, I moved back and raised a finger. "It would upset me even more knowing that people were walking around frightened because of me." He frowned. "It would?" I nodded, unsure now whether to put down my finger or keep holding it in the air. Deciding it had probably done all it could do, I dropped my hand to my lap. Walker fell quiet, puzzling it out. As I watched the rise and fall of his chest, I felt the heat in my own body begin to cool. I told myself it was a good thing, that teaching him right and wrong was certainly better than pursuing my own destruction. "Fuck, Joel. I don't want you unhappy and I sure as hell don't want other people touching you. I'll start walking you to class and back—that should get them to keep their distance. Okay?" That was his solution? I looked at his face, saw that he was serious. Then I couldn't help it. I burst into laughter. "What's funny?" - 67 -

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I rubbed at my eyes and grinned up at him. "Walker, you are so perfectly, innocently mad, that I actually..." He grew defensive. "Actually what?" I shook my head. "Twice today I actually thought you were cute." "Cute?" He crawled forward, bringing renewed waves of heat with him as his muscles bunched and rolled. "You think I'm cute?" Chuckling, I bopped him on the forehead with the heel of my hand. "I also called you insane two seconds before that. Don't you care about that part?" His voice dropped, a husky caress that teased every nerve-ending in my body. "Knew that part." He bumped our noses together before brushing his lips over mine. "Only care that you can't get enough of these muscles, that you like my skin, that you think I'm cute." Laughter faded. Humor faded. Resistance faded. My eyes drifted closed, snapped open when I heard the sound of a zipper drawing down. "Wh-What are you doing?" "Getting naked." I began to push myself away, but he blocked the escape with one arm. "I thought we were just going to touch." "Isn't touching better when we're naked?" His mouth moved against mine as he spoke, obscuring my view of his hands, leaving me to listen to the torturous whisper of fabric against skin. "Walker—" "Besides, I'm bigger than you ever were." He nuzzled my cheek, tugged my earlobe with his teeth. "Aren't you curious?" I sucked in my breath. Walker licked the sensitive skin behind my ear as he took my hand, guided it down his stomach. His mouth trailed down my neck as he threaded my fingers through the curls of his pubic hair, closed them on his erection. "Feels good when I'm hard for you, Joel." My fingers couldn't even wrap halfway around the hot column of flesh. I shuddered, had to look. My hand trembled when I saw his cock. Veins snaked the thick shaft, pulsed with every beat of his heart. The wide, round head was flushed with garnet voracity, straining upward, with one goal and one goal only. Me. Had I really fit that thing into my mouth? No, that was the life before last. I was beginning to have trouble keeping track of them all. And I apparently sucked him off regularly now. Was that real? Even if I couldn't remember? It made my head spin. So I let it go, ran my hand up and down the long, long length of Walker's cock. It throbbed beneath my fingers, hot and needy. Walker's body loomed over me, pressed me flat against the floor. "Your turn." Dazed, aroused, and still stroking his dick, I tilted my head back, looked into those dark eyes. "My turn to what?" He reached for my pants. Panic ripped the word out of me. "No!" Walker drew his hand away, settled on the floor beside me. Surprised to find that he was still listening, I stopped touching him altogether, tried to steady my breathing. His knuckles glided over my torso: a slow, continuous caress. "Why not?" The soft question drew a blush to my already heated skin. "Because I said so." He lowered his head, sucked kisses down my stomach. His tongue traced a circle around my navel, dipped inside before working downward, to the waistband of my slacks. "Tell me." My hips rose off the floor; I forced them back down. "Think about it, Walker. You're bigger than you've ever been, so that must mean I'm—" I looked away, incapable of finishing the sentence as my skin burned with embarrassment. Walker crawled up my body, his eyes heavy-lidded as he smiled at me. "You're shy? You shouldn't be. I already know what you look like naked, and I'm dyin' to see it again." I didn't understand how anyone could find me attractive. Not here. Not in the life before. But every - 68 -

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muscle Walker had was tense with it, begging to get closer. Falling quiet, frowning, I stared up at him. Tried to figure out, again, what was so special about me. Walker cocked his head to the side, slowly moved his hand to my pants, and unfastened the clasp. I gasped, but didn't tell him to stop as he slid them down my legs, removed my shoes, and tossed the slacks aside. My underwear was off even faster, and the cool air sent shivers through my body. The shivering turned to quaking when Walker caressed my dick. Pushing myself up on my elbows, I stared at his hand. My prick wasn't even as long as his smallest finger, and humiliation roiled up in me as I looked away. Soft, teasing lips on my dick had my gaze ratcheting back to him. Walker grinned into my eyes as he pressed another kiss to my prick. "It's got such a perfect little shape to it." My brow furrowed. "Shut up." He chuckled, sending warm puffs of air over my cock. "I actually missed you saying that to me. It's adorable, like your dick." "Walker." "Are you mad at me?" His fingers went back to caressing my cock. "I really do think it's perfect, and adorable." He released me to crawl up my body again. The laughter faded from his eyes as he focused on my face. "I think you're perfect, and adorable, and beautiful." His gaze heated, never wavering from mine. "Smart. Sexy. Strong." My lips parted. "You're different now, but you're always getting better." Walker carefully laid himself on top of me. "I want you. Every life. That'll never change." All that smooth skin and solid muscle pressing along my slender form cracked what will I had left. I clutched at his shoulders, pulled myself to fit tight against him as I bit hard on one of his traps. He moaned, pressed his shoulder deeper into my mouth. "Fuck." I rocked my hips against him. "No..." I drove my teeth into his skin to keep from crying out. "I don't..." Bucking against my own desire, I grasped for excuses. Any feeble shield to reinstate my senses. "Last time... Last time it hurt." Walker paused, ran a gentle hand over my hair. "I really didn't know invoking the spell like that would do so much damage. Jealousy's a genetic disease with us. We all do fucking horrible things because of it." His voice softened. "I'm sorry." It took me a moment to catch on. "That's not what I'm talking about." Fresh color stained my skin—I blushed more in this life than in any other. "Last time... When you..." I squeezed my eyes shut, loathed to say it. "Your cock..." "Oh," said Walker, his face clearing. "Everything happened so fast, and was so desperate. I didn't go as slow as I should have. Now I'm too much for you, for sure." He skimmed his fingers over my forehead. "It doesn't matter, does it? We're not gonna fuck. We're just touching." "I always want you inside me." I stopped short, had to replay the words in my mind to understand what I'd said. "Don't I?" A frown creased my brow. "I don't. No sane person wants to be hurt." My hands tightened on his shoulders as pain lanced through my head. "I shouldn't feel this way, but I... I..." "Joel." I looked up at him, trying to remember myself, trying to figure out what was real. Walker went back to stroking my hair. "You want..." His eyes crinkled at the corners. My body tensed as I braced myself to hear it. He smiled. "You want what you want." I took in a deep, jagged breath as my body arched against him. All at once, I felt lighter, less restrained. As if a few of the chains that had been shackling me down for so many months had fallen away. "Wh-What did you do?" His hand caressed my chest, settled over my racing heart. "I think I just reset your emotions and your will. Your feelings are yours now, not mine." My hand slipped over his, gripped it tight. "Can you take them from me again?" "Probably." He caught my chin when I tried to glance away. "But I won't. Promise." Promises from him didn't mean anything, but... "Why?" He pressed a kiss to my lips. Soft. Warm. "Happy birthday." - 69 -

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My body jerked. Walker lifted his head. "Don't you like your present?" Confusion knotted inside me as my gaze slid over his body, as my hand went to his chest. "I still..." I choked on the words, forced them past my closed throat. "I'm still turned on." Surprise flickered over his face. "Even after that?" His fingers darted to my crotch, found my prick hard and willing. "You are." Why couldn't I get past this? "I really am a narcissist." A slow grin spread over his mouth as his fingers squeezed my dick. "There must be more to it than that, or the spell would have been over before this." He nuzzled the curve of my neck, trailed kisses to the hollow of my throat. "You said yourself that my body is different." His tongue flicked one nipple, then the other. "You said that I'm cute." His teeth grazed my skin, but it was nothing like the hard bites he loved to get from me. "Do you still feel those things? Now?" My cock ached, and I pumped my hips into his fist. It took all my concentration to force my body to the floor, and I answered without thinking. "Yes." I felt him smile against my stomach as his hand fluttered down to cup my balls. "Walker," I gasped, fighting against that excruciating pleasure. "Stop. I'm about to—" "It's okay." He met my gaze, grinning as his tongue darted out to tease the head of my dick. "Come for me, Joel." "What?" I scrambled back; he caught me around the hips before I could escape. "Listen to me." He pulled me closer and kissed my stomach. "This time will be different. I figured out the spell." I shoved at him, couldn't break free. "When?" "Just now. It'll work, Joel. I know it will." I looked into his eyes, alight with a focused darkness I knew all too well. "H-How?" His hands loosened, went back to stroking my skin. "Can't tell you, might ruin it. But I really do have it figured out, Joel. This time, everything will be right." Shaking my head, I sat up as I tried to buy time. "You can't ask me to do this now. I have to think." "It has to be now." "Why?" "Because I have a way of fucking things up," he answered, his face apologetic, "and tomorrow will probably be too late. An hour from now will probably be too late." A sob wanted to rise from my chest. I swallowed it. "I'm scared, Walker. Can't you understand that? Doesn't that count as wrong?" His palms smoothed over my thighs. "It's bad that you're scared. I'm asking you to trust me, even though I don't deserve it." His voice cracked as his grip firmed. "Please." How could he expect me to trust him? After one day? My jaw ticked. "Are you sure about this?" I leaned close. "You swear?" "I swear." He smiled, open and excited. "You'll come for me, and everything will be good." Indecision wracked me several long, painful moments. Walker trailed his fingers down my dick, torturing me as he waited for me to say yes. But he was waiting. Frightened, aroused, I gave him a small nod. Walker pushed up on his arms, took my mouth in a slow, deep kiss. Working his way down my body, his lips worshiped my nipples, my stomach. His head dipped into my lap, and I felt a brush of sensation against my pubic hair before those lips finally closed around my cock. I fell forward and groaned. His mouth was hot, wet. I felt myself spinning, and my hands balled into fists against his back. He sucked the length of me; I sucked in the intoxicating scent of flowers. His tongue swirled around the rigid flesh, and every muscle in my body shuddered. His strong hands slipped under my ass so he could take me deeper into his mouth. I let go and made the sounds I always made when he broke me—loud, pitiful pleas to take me over the edge. He hummed his approval, sending vibrations up the shaft of my dick and right into the rest of me. I thought this time I'd have an opportunity to savor my orgasm, but my body couldn't take the pleasure. My balls drew tight, and I convulsed, shooting my load into his throat. Walker swallowed, sucked another explosion out of me. I clung to his strength as wave after wave of ecstasy crashed into me, until there was - 70 -

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nothing left, and I slumped against him. Darkness crowded my vision. I felt Walker's hot, tight skin slide under mine and forced myself to concentrate, to focus. His back undulated with power as it thickened and expanded beneath my hands. His shoulders swelled, widened as the muscles within rolled and pushed forward. His hair caressed my stomach...higher...higher... My pale arms pulled closer to my body; my own shoulders drew closer to each other as his continued to extend. I pushed against him, couldn't even dent his skin. He felt like a stone statue against my diminutive strength. I tried to look beyond, but all I could see was Walker. His impossibly long legs grew longer, while losing none of their frightening thickness. Pinned underneath him, I could feel my legs sliding up his chest, his pecs pressing them deeper into the floor. Walker straightened, a tower of muscle and strength. I had to tilt my head all the way back just to see his wide eyes. "J-Joel." I collapsed. Walker caught me, cradled me in his arms. Every muscle, cord, vein pushed into me. "Joel, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't know what went wrong. You have to believe me. I r-really thought everything would be right this time." He held me closer, rocking my body against his. "You are such a liar," I murmured, as my eyes drifted shut, as the darkness engulfed me. Down... Down... Deeper... Riding the spiral... That never ends.

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11 I pounded my fist against the door, snarling as I kicked at the wood. "Dammit!" Walker sat up in bed, rubbing at his face with his hand. "Joel?" "And damn you!" Groggy, but undaunted by my acidity, he leaned forward. "What's wrong?" "What's wrong? What's wrong?" I fired another kick at the door. "I want to get a soda, that's what's wrong!" "So go." My fists clenched. "It's never enough for you, is it? You bound me to you with magic, then you used your size to keep me by your side, now you're using my size to do it." I grabbed the knob with both hands and wrenched at it. The door opened two or three inches before jerking out of my palms. "You have to have total control over my life." Walker's gaze traveled upward, and he made a soft sound of understanding. "You can't reach the chain lock." I glared up at it, near the top of the doorframe. "You want to see me jump for it? Would that be enough humiliation for you?" I crouched. "Fine." "Joel, no." Walker crawled to the foot of his bed, reached out and unhooked the chain. From the mattress. "We lock it every night. I didn't know... I didn't even think about it tonight." "Right." I flung open the door and stormed out. "You can at least give me the respect of putting a little effort into your lies. Or am I too far gone for that now?" "Joel-" I slammed the door. The hallway loomed in front of me— stretching higher, longer than ever before. I braced my hand on a wall, closed my eyes until I'd shoved the spinning in my head to the fringes of my consciousness. When I could, I took that long walk, slid my torn dollar bill into the machine. I hit my selection with more force than necessary and snatched the can out of the basket. The lights were on when I returned to the room. Walker stood in the center, wearing only a pair of crimson boxer-briefs. My gaze went up, and up, and up. I hadn't been prepared for his size. Everything about him overwhelmed me. The imposing legs that were cruelly longer than my body now. The impossibly wide shoulders tapering down to a relatively narrow waist, forming a shape like a flared cobra's hood. A cobra. Fitting image, considering he was fucking poisonous. "What do you want?" He walked toward me, his body a sleek, frightening study of raw power and grace. "Usually you don't wake up in the middle of the night after we fuck." He looked me over. "Your head hurt?" I tried to stride past him; he sidestepped his way into blocking my path, forcing me to look directly at his crotch. He wasn't even hard, and yet the bulge of his cock was massive, daunting. I jerked my head to the side, pried open the tab to my soda. "No headaches." He didn't respond, didn't move. I glanced up to find him smiling. "What," I snapped. "When you opened your drink," he swept a hand over his chest, flexed the huge pectoral muscles there, "all the muscles in your arm and chest got tight." Rage bubbled up; I forced it down to a simmer. "I'm sure this wouldn't even strain your thumb." Walker sat on the floor, resting a wrist on an upraised knee. I shook my head. "What are you doing now?" "Waiting for you to give me your soda." My grip tightened on the can I held. "I'm not giving you anything, Walker. Ever again." His smile slipped, cocked back into place. "In this life, you never finish the whole soda. You always end up giving it to me." More anger—I could barely keep it in check. "It doesn't matter what memories you have. You don't know me." "I know your body." He reached out to touch my stomach and I jumped back, bumping against my bed. "Better than you do." He dropped his hand. "You like the taste, but your stomach's kinda delicate. The sugar - 72 -

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and carbonation are too much for you after a while." Tipping the can to my mouth, I stubbornly took a huge gulp. My face twisted when I realized what flavor I'd unconsciously chosen. Lemon-lime. I hadn't been able to stand the taste of it since the day Walker cast his spell. Too many memories surged into me every time I tried. "What's wrong?" asked Walker. "Nothing." He held out his hand again. "Sick of it already? Would you like me to finish it off?" I curled my arm against my body, cradling the cold can against my chest. His hand fell to his thigh. "Later, then." That easy assumption had my rage simmering again. Trying to wrench control of my emotions, I gritted my teeth and glanced around. My gaze rested on his bed, taking up a third of the room. "Why is your bed so big?" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his body jump. I refused to look at him, refused to be taken in by his strength and beauty and cursed power. "It's because I'm seven foot four. My legs hang off a normal bed, so housing let me bring in my own." Seven foot four? My gaze darted to his dark eyes. "Do you know how tall I am?" "Four foot six." My hand tightened on my soda—the can dented under my thumb. "Joel..." He eased forward. "Stay away from me." I fought the urge to throw the can I held at his face, even as I kept my voice calm, level. "Don't ever lay hands on me again." His eyes crinkled at the corners. "Why aren't you yelling at me?" "What?" I whispered. "You're so angry. You're trying to hide it, but I can see it." "You don't know-" "And you were shouting hell a few minutes ago." He slid closer. "Why aren't you yelling now?" Black enmity sent tremors through my body, but I kept my mouth shut. Walker closed his huge hands around mine, removed the soda from my stiff fingers and set it aside. "I fucked up. Again. I really thought I had it figured out this time, but this life isn't...right." He smiled, touched my cheek. "Do your thing. Put me in my place." I turned my face from his hand. "No." "No?" His fingers opened up, caught my jaw. "Why not?" "Because there's no point." I let him draw my gaze back to his. "Fighting does nothing. Reasoning does nothing." Pushing his hand away from me, I shook my head. "There's nothing else to give to this spiral, and I want nothing more to do with you." His lips parted, and panic lit into him. "Joel, I'll figure it out. I promise." "Liar." He blanched. "Don't say it like that. At least shout. Or swear. Something." I turned away. "I'm going to bed." "Joel!" He grabbed my shoulders and spun me to face him. "Don't do this to me. Please. I-I need you to be angry with me." My brow furrowed. "Why?" "Because you don't want me!" he cried, clutching me tight. I gasped, but the words hadn't invoked the spell. If they had, I wouldn't have been affected by his embrace. Yet feeling his body engulf mine sent shards of arousal slicing into every one of my nerves. What was going on? "Let me go." He nuzzled the curve of my neck as his muscles flexed hard with desperation. "You don't want me. You don't like me." His voice choked—it sounded like he was forcing back tears. "I need you to feel something for me, Joel! Anything." I stiffened in his arms. "You're sick." "I know. I know." His hand slid under my shirt, caressed my back. "But I'm strong enough to take - 73 -

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whatever you've got for me." "I told you," I pushed against his shoulders. "There's nothing." He wouldn't let me leave him. "There has to be something. You were pissed just a few minutes ago!" His lips pressed to my cheek, before searching out my ear. "Come on, lover. You know you're aching to let me have it." Lover. The dam I'd built so carefully burst, and my rage crashed forth. Balling up my fist, I slammed it into his face, heedless of the pain it shot through my slender fingers. "We are not lovers!" Walker crushed me close, stroked my hair. I struggled, kicked at him like I'd kicked at that door. "Do you see what you've done to me? Do you ?" "I'm here," he said, dropping kisses along my temple, down my cheek. "I'm here." I stilled, shocked when I realized I'd given him exactly what he'd wanted. Again. "You son of a bitch." My small hands tried to find purchase on his arms, found them too big and thick to grasp. "You shit-eating bastard." "I know." "You couldn't keep your fucking lust to yourself. You had to drag me into your twisted family curse!" He nodded against me. I'd thought the rage inside me was a roaring fire, one that would burn forever. But it had only been a flash of heat, covering my pain and misery. Now it was gone, given to Walker. My head fell onto his shoulder. "I hate..." I swallowed the sob in my throat. "I hate..." "It's okay to say it, Joel." Walker's baritone voice was gentle, even as it rumbled through me. "It's okay to hate me." My fingers tangled into his hair, twisted tight. That was it—the real source of my anguish. This time, when we'd had sex, Walker hadn't invoked his spell. Not once. I could have said no any time, but I didn't. I'd liked his hands on my body. I'd enjoyed every brush of his mouth against my skin, every flick of his tongue on my cock. This life we were living now was one of my own creation. So I didn't hate Walker. I hated myself.

A glint of light caught my eye as I walked into the room. I turned my head, frowning when I saw the security chain hanging about a foot above the doorknob. Had Walker moved it? His hair grazed the ceiling now. Even if he was trying to make things easier for me, why move it that low? The sound of an electric drill drew me out into the hallway, and I saw a man in overalls making similar adjustments to the door next to mine. "What's going on?" He glanced briefly at me before returning to his work. "Changing all the locks in the building." "Why?" "Beats me. I just take the work orders, kid." I winced, then made my way down to the first floor. Going to the front desk in the lobby, I leaned forward to talk to the receptionist. "Hey, Mark. We're having a little renovation done?" "Yeah. " He looked up from his homework and grinned. "You can thank your roommate for that." "Walker? He told you to do it?" "Well, he pointed out that you couldn't reach the chain. This is the oldest dormitory on campus, but most of it is handicapped compliant. In the wheelchair accessible rooms, the chains were always low. " He shook his head. "Guess they missed a few of the smaller details in the rest of them." My jaw ticked. "I'm not handicapped." Mark chuckled. "Right, I know that. I'm just sayin' it can be hard to see things from your perspective sometimes. " He reached out to ruffle my hair. A big hand closed around his wrist, stopping his fingers from touching my head. "Joel doesn't like people playing with his hair, " said Walker. The color drained from Mark's skin as he craned his neck back to look up at him. "S-Sorry. " His gaze - 74 -

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darted back to me. "I didn't know." I felt my own skin go red as his went pale. To realize how he saw me, to have my weaknesses spotlighted and then to have Walker try and swoop in like some knight in shining armor... Embarrassment killed my ability to speak. I spun, sprinted back to my room. Fists clenched, chest heaving, I stood next to my bed as I stared out my window. At the bright campus full of normal students with normal lives. My entire body shook with misery. "Joel?" I didn't turn around. Disquiet softened his voice. "You're upset. " "Yes, " I whispered. Several seconds passed before he spoke again, and when he did, the words were halting, uncertain. "I... Mark was wrong to try and lay a hand on you." I bowed my head. His breath skittered loudly in his chest. "Wasn't I right to stop him?" My fingers uncurled, one by one. "Can't you go one minute without reminding me how small I am?" Even with my back to him, I could hear his confusion. "I wasn't teasing you about your size. I was just trying to—" "It's only been three days, but I feel so isolated. You've always been alone, so you don't know what it's like to suddenly be cut off from the world. " I blinked at the wetness in my eyes. "There's no one to... I have no one." "What about April?" Walker asked softly. "April. " I chuckled as I thought of what she'd let slip during our conversation today. "I remind her of her brother in this life. " The first tear slipped down my cheek as I lifted my hand, clutched at my heart because it felt like it was about to cave in on itself. "H-He's in the fourth grade." Walker gasped. I turned my head, more tears spilling from my eyes as I stared up at him. "What?" His mouth worked as his dark gaze locked to mine. No sound came out, and he dropped to his knees. The impact sent vibrations into the floor that made my whole body shudder, but I didn't move away when he lifted trembling fingers to my face, wiped my tears away. "Joel, " he caressed my cheek, "why don't we go for a walk?" "A walk?" I asked in quiet disbelief. "You're not going to steal a kiss now? You're not going to try and convince me you've got a way to stop the spinning?" I leaned forward. "You're not going to say want me?" "I-I won't do any of that. " He swept the hair out of my eyes. "I miss the walks we used to take together." The warmth of his palms stemmed my tears for the moment, so I didn't pull away from his touch. "You're lying to me again. We never did anything worth missing." "That's not true. " His hands slipped down my neck, over my shoulders, my arms, before curving around my waist. Gently, watching my reaction, he drew me closer. "I miss how you'd think out loud, talking about a class, or a homework assignment. Sometimes you'd lose yourself, and you'd say such great things. Like how the stars reminded you of lightning bugs, and how wouldn't it be funny if the breeze on your skin had been fanned by the sweep of their wings. And you let me walk next to you. You let me listen to all of it." When I let Walker come along on those late night strolls, it was just to give him a way to be with me. A way to keep him from breaking his word and invoking the spell to force intimacy. The silence under the night sky made me uncomfortable, because he would stare down at me with that piercing focus of his, so I talked. About whatever stupid thing that popped into my mind. But even those moments had been profound for him. "I haven't got any more pretty words, Walker. " I stepped out of his hold. "I'm tired." He flinched. "You don't have to talk. We can just get some fresh air." "I think I need to lie down." Concern shaped his features. "O-Okay. You could probably use some rest. Would you like me to pick up some dinner from the cafeteria?" I crawled into bed, drew the covers over my body. "I'm not hungry. " I nestled deeper into the mattress. "I just need to sleep. " "Joel-" "Please. That's all I want." - 75 -

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Walker's big body shifted, and I heard him leave the room. Closing my eyes, I let myself rest.

I sat on my bed, my legs curled to my chest as I stared out the window. It was around three in the afternoon, and students crisscrossed the campus. Some were in a rush, some took their time. I didn't feel sad, or lonely, or even envious as I watched them live their lives. Emptiness. That's all I had now. Wasn't sure why. After a week, I was logical enough to know that this life wasn't the worst of them. Some things about it were pretty nice. Walker being considerate, for one. Keeping his distance, for two. So why couldn't I pull myself out of this hole, the way I had every other time the spiral had taken me? The door opened, and Walker ducked in. His gaze hit me, and he thrust his hand into his pocket. "You're in bed again." "Tired." He glanced away. "You have friends in this life, you know." Did I? Other than April? I wondered briefly what their names might be, then decided I didn't care. "People do seem to like me here. I suppose that's the difference between us. I'm blessed where you're cursed. " Ignoring his jump of surprise, I rested my cheek against my knee. "But you got your wish. No one wants me anymore. " My gaze traveled the length of his massive body, and I tried not to remember how those hills and valleys had felt against my small frame. "You don't even want me, do you?" He broke into a wide grin. "What are you talking about?" He fell forward a step. "Of course I still want—" I scrambled back on the mattress, my body colliding painfully with the windowsill. Walker stopped short. "Oh, " he murmured. "That wasn't an invitation." Curling myself into a ball, I couldn't look into his eyes. I'd thought, because he hadn't touched me, because he wanted to go on walks instead of kiss me, that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Now that I knew I was wrong... I hugged myself tighter. "Joel, I'm not going to..." He muttered a string of curses and spun on his heel. "I'm so fucking stupid. I know you hate me and I still think you might change your mind." Lifting my head, I stared at his broad back, at the muscles flexing hard enough that I thought they might tear his shirt apart. Walker threw open the door. "I'm damned. I should just deal with it." My lips parted, but before I could say anything, he'd stormed out of the room. For a moment, I thought I might go after him. But I didn't have the strength to break free of my inertia. So I stretched out, pulled the covers over my head to block out the light, and went to sleep. Even my dreams were empty.

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12 "Joel, get up." My eyes fluttered open, but I didn't turn over. "April? How did you get in here?" "Walker gave me a key. He says you won't get out of bed." "Walker is a liar." I nestled my face deeper into my pillow. "You see me in class every day." "But I haven't seen you out of class in two weeks." She grabbed my shoulders, forced me onto my back. I groaned, too exhausted even to feel sorry for myself that she'd overpowered me so easily. "For crying out loud, April! My grades are up, I'm off academic probation." I hugged my pillow tighter. "What more do you want from me?" "I want you to come to the cafeteria." She smoothed back my hair. "I want you to eat something, because you're wasting away." "No matter what I do, no matter what I eat, I'm going to waste away." I finally looked into her eyes. "There's no point to anything anymore." "Oh, Joel. Don't do this." She pried my hands free of the pillow, dragged me to the edge of the bed. "Don't give up. That's not your style." I let her hold me, but I couldn't feel her warmth. "You don't know me. No one knows me." "You're wrong." She kissed my forehead. "We're friends, remember? I know you're hurting, but I also know you're strong enough for this life." This life? I frowned, forced myself to focus on her. "What did you just say?" "I said you're strong. Just about the strongest person I've ever met." My frown deepened. "Look at me, April. Tell me how I'm supposed to be strong when I keep losing." Her hands cupped my face. "One more fight. Just one." "One more fight?" I whispered. "How do you know—" "It's what I tell myself, " she smiled, "when things get tough. It helps." My weary gaze slipped downward, rested on the kitten printed over her heart. This time it wore a pair of crooked wings and a bent halo. "How many outfits does that cat have?" April glanced down at herself and burst into soft, relieved laughter. "Dozens. I have the whole collection. " Her face scrunched. "Well, almost. Had to leave the one where she's wearing the stripper outfit on the rack. Honestly! How sick can you get? Making a pole dancer out of a pussy—" She straightened, cooed a little sound of understanding. "Oh, now I get it." I chuckled. Her eyes sparkled as she looked into mine. "Still, though. She's a kitten. She's too young to be dressed like that. " My chuckles warmed into laughter. Slender fingers caressed my cheek. "Come on, Joel. Let's go to dinner." I blew out a long, slow breath and pushed myself up. "Do I have to comb my hair?" "Nah. You're adorable when you're all shaggy." All the same, I ran a hand through the overgrown locks before standing. "One more fight?" She rose to her feet, towering over me. "One more." Thankfully, she didn't fiddle with my hair or try to take my hand. My stomach growled, and I went to slip on my shoes. Okay then. I could live one more life. April had never lied to me, so I let myself believe her.

I came back from Advanced Poetry & Prose to the sound of retching. Judging from the noise coming out of the bathroom, it had been going on for quite a while. "Walker?" I called, standing in the center of the room. He gagged, and the toilet flushed. Walker stumbled out, stared down at me as a hint of green shaded his chestnut skin. I looked him over, my hand curled around the strap of my backpack. "You sick?" - 77 -

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The muscles in his chest and arm twitched as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Had too much to drink." My gaze flicked to the clock on his nightstand, back to him. "At two in the afternoon?" His hand paused in front of his face, then he shrugged and grinned at me. "Friday. Startin' the weekend early. " More lies. My eyes narrowed, and I held his gaze until he looked away from me. "Fine, " I said, going to my desk. "Whatever." Walker stood stiff a moment before leaving me alone in the room. I took a seat, pulled a notebook from a drawer, and began writing.

That night, the cold sank into me and I sat up, shivering in my bed. God, I was freezing. I didn't know whether to blame the window beside me or my smaller body. It was probably a little of both—I'd been cold every night since this life began. Even with the pajamas. Turning my head, I looked at Walker. He slept on his stomach, wearing only his underwear. His blankets were thrown to the side. Maybe I could... Sighing, I swallowed my pride, eased out of bed, and padded across the room. My breath shallowed when I saw the sheen of perspiration glistening on his skin. I couldn't help staring at the solid, thick power of his thighs; the round, hard curve of his ass. His broad back flared an enthralling triangle that led up to his wide shoulders, to the arm carelessly flung over the edge of the bed. His large hand rested against the floor, his fingers curled against his palm. When I saw his face, I had second thoughts about waking him. He looked peaceful —almost angelic—and I hated to shatter the illusion. He still wanted me. He'd said that once, but since then he'd gone out of his way to avoid the subject. I could see it in his eyes, though, even if I couldn't understand it. He would always want me. "I guess you're still my gypsy," I whispered. What a horrifying concept. So why wasn't I scared? Walker opened his eyes, blinked at me. "Joel?" I took a step back. "Didn't mean to wake you." "Are you okay?" My gaze slid along his body, returned to his face. "You're hot." He raised his eyebrows. I hissed and tried to backtrack. "I mean you're overheated. Noticed you were sweating." "Oh." His face cleared. "Yeah, I'm always hot now." "It's all the muscle," I said, remembering a life I hadn't thought about in a long time. "They're always working, burning, even when you sleep." Walker smiled. "I know." He lifted his hand, tapped his temple. "I have memories of growing up in this body." I'd lost track of all the lives we'd led by now. For the first time, I wondered about the strain so many sets of memories could put on a person. "Walker? Are you hurting?" His smile pulled wider. "No." "Are you lying to me?" He hesitated, nodded. Anger sparked inside of me, and I tried to hold it back. "Why do you keep doing that?" Shame dulled his features. "Because you're a good guy, Joel. Even though you hate me, you slip up and start caring when you see I'm in pain. You shouldn't have to suffer like that. I've already put you through enough." My eyes rounded. "I don't want you sad. Especially not for me. So I lie." This didn't sound like the Walker Cain I knew. Had he changed? Without either of us noticing? The idea disquieted me, and I shivered. - 78 -

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Walker frowned. "Are you cold?" "Yeah," I murmured, glad to have a change of subject. "I wanted to ask if I could borrow your covers. Since you're not using them." "Sure." He sat up, gathered his blankets, and rose to his feet. I held out my hands. "Hey, I can carry them." "No you can't." He strode to my bed. "Not without dragging them over the floor and sweeping up dust. Then you'd be sneezing all night." Realizing he was right, I reluctantly followed him. Walker spread his blankets on top of mine and folded them down. Then, without warning, he picked me up and laid me on the mattress. "Hey!" He tucked the covers up to my chin. "Warmer?" My body shook, and I honestly couldn't tell whether it was from anger or humiliation or... Arousal. Frowning, Walker knelt beside the bed. "Maybe you should sleep next to me. My body's like a furnace." "No." The outburst made us both jump, and I lowered my voice. "I don't want you." "I know," he said, his voice cracking. "But if you're really cold... I'd hate for you to get sick on top of everything else." My voice turned pleading. "I can't." The panic I'd seen in him our first night here resurfaced. "Don't cry." His fingers touched my face. "Don't cry." "Seeing you cry would be like a preview." "A preview of what?" "Of hell." I swallowed and kept my eyes clear. "Thank you," he said softly, his hand slipping from my cheek. My head tilted to the side. "What?" asked Walker. "You've never said 'thank you' before. Not to me." He bowed his head, glanced up again. "Was it wrong?" All these lives, they'd been more or less the same. This one seemed different, and I tried to puzzle out why as the spiral turned at the edges of my vision. "It was very right. It was good." He smiled and draped his long arm over my stomach. "I could sit here tonight. Keep you warm while you sleep." The weight of his arm... I felt it more acutely than I'd felt anything in the last two and a half weeks. I thought, it might be nice, if we could — Walker leaned in for a kiss. "Goodnight, Joel." I snapped my head back before his lips could touch my cheek. "What are you doing!" He straightened. "I-I'm sorry. I forgot, and I just wanted—" "To take what you want. Like always." His eyes widened. "It wasn't like that, Joel. I swear." My hands twisted into the blankets covering my body, releasing bursts of hyacinth around me. He'd woven his spell, it had swirled around me, and I'd almost let myself fall into it. Again. Curses and lies and one desperate, damned gypsy who would never stop scheming to take what he wanted. When was I going to learn? I bit back a growl. Tonight. I would learn tonight. "Go to your own bed, Walker." His arm tightened on my waist. "But—" "Now!" He dropped his forehead against my chest a long, tense moment before slowly pulling away. "I'm sorry, " he said again, standing up. - 79 -

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"Being sorry doesn't mean anything when nothing ever changes." His gaze jerked down to me, his eyes even darker than the night around us. Then, without a word, he stalked to his own bed. I flipped over to face the window. Anything to keep myself from looking at him. But the scent of hyacinth surrounded me— he surrounded me—as I stared at the pearlescent moon hanging low in the sky. For once, I didn't feel at all like sleeping. I checked the clock, got up from my desk to pull on my jacket. Walker lifted his head. "Where... Where are you going?" The rumble of his voice surprised me. We'd barely said a word to each other in a week. "Out, " I answered curtly, glancing at him. He was reading a book—something I hadn't seen him do in a while. On his bed, but that had to be more comfortable than at his desk, despite it being a third bigger than mine. "It's Friday. Don't you have someplace to go?" "Feehan's havin' a party, but I thought..." I shook my head when the sentence trailed. "You thought?" Glancing away, he scratched his cheek. "I thought you'd be staying home as usual. " His gaze drifted back to me. "Wanted to sit in the room with you." His world revolved around me. But I had to try for one outside of him. "You might as well go to Feehan's, then. I'm hanging out with April tonight. " I checked to make sure I had my wallet and strode toward the door. "H-Have fun." I paused, continued to the door. "I... can't have fun anymore, Walker. " I glanced over at him. "I can't even remember how it feels to be happy." His chest hitched. "Doesn't April make you—" "April got me out of bed, got me moving. Every once in a while she can bring out shadows of laughter. I think that's about as much as I can hope for." The book fell from his fingers. "Joel." It had been cruel, to tell him that. Even if it was the truth. "Go to the party, Walker. I've got a big project due Monday, so you can sit with me all you want while I work on it over the weekend, alright?" Confusion flitted over his face. "You'd let me do that?" Exhaling a heavy breath, I opened the door. "Sure. It's not as if my soul is lighter when I'm away from you—there's no chance I'll ever be happy again. " I closed my eyes, realized I was being cruel again, and looked at him. "I don't see the harm in sitting together in the same room. Really." He seemed unsure about what to say next, and it took him a while to form the words. When he did, though, they were pretty good ones. "Thank you." I forced a smile, even though it hurt to do it. "That's good. You're welcome." The longing in his eyes twisted my stomach, wrenching up bitterness and pain, so I hurried out of the room and closed the door behind me. I dragged in a deep breath, one clear of seductive flowers. Spells. Curses. Lies. When was I going to learn?

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13 The next few days passed in a muted fog. I achieved moments of clarity when I wrote, but not much more than that. I wondered if what was left of my life would wither away in the dim mist, but the writing helped to stem that despair. And when the spiral whirled so tight that it threatened to crush the air from my lungs... The writing helped with that as well. Walker didn't really have anything to help him with the spinning. Except me. I think that was why he was so sick all the time, although he still tried to hide it. So I let him sit next to me when I studied. Why? I wish I knew. You'd think I'd want to see him suffer, but I didn't. Sometimes I even found myself thinking aloud while I did my homework, because once in a while I stumbled on something that made him smile, and somehow that smile made things...easier. When had that happened? I paused in front of the door to our room. I didn't want it to be that way. It was wrong—a first-class ticket to hell. But Walker was quieter now, and hadn't taken anything from me since he'd tried to steal a kiss that night. I knew it was just another trap, more carefully laid out than the others, but it was also a pleasant dream. I needed the rest. Shaking my head clear of those thoughts, I opened the door. Walker's voice drew my gaze, and I saw him hunched over his desk, talking on the phone. Tense. Frustrated. "Dad, listen to me. I'm not talking about reversing the spell. I'm talking about breaking the spiral." I stopped short. Breaking the spiral? Walker's back tensed. "I know, Dad! Would you just listen?" He took a deep breath, and his voice calmed. "I don't care about redemption; I don't care about hell. I'm not trying to escape. Got it?" He waited for an answer. "Okay, so if I killed myself, would the energy I took from Joel flow back into his body? Would he get his original life back?" Shards of ice shot through me, freezing my vocal cords, pinning me to my spot by the door. Walker clenched his fist. "Why wouldn't it work?" I could hear a man's voice on the other line, but I couldn't make out any of the words. Just the tone— swells of lyrical anger. "Then tell me another way to break the spiral!" My body started. "That's bullshit] In the thousands of years we've been walking the earth, someone must have figured out a way to do it." He growled into the phone. "I told you, I don't care what happens to me. I just want Joel to be happy." I stood there, stunned as I watched him lay his head on the desk. "No, I can't invoke the spell anymore. Things get worse every time I try it." His voice dropped. "Joel gets worse every time I try it." When did he make that connection? When did he start to care? As I stared at the floor, I tried to figure out where those particular lies had stopped. "Yeah, Dad. I want Joel happy more than..." He swallowed, "...more than anything." My head shot up. "Because he's nothing like us. He's good. Better than I thought even when I first met him. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve me." I meant to say it aloud, but the word was only a shape on my lips. Walker. "Dad, there has to be a way to—" His back tightened, then slumped. "Okay. Thanks anyway." Embarrassment threaded his voice as he stood. "Oh, Joel likes when I say it. He likes it when I ask permission before touching him, too, but I don't always remember." Walker chuckled. "He's too cute." A blush stained my skin. He sighed heavily. "That's all I wanted to talk about." - 81 -

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I heard a click come from the receiver. Walker glanced down at it before placing it back into its cradle. He turned, his eyes rounding when he saw me standing in the room. "How long have you been there?" My head tilted all the way back. "Breaking the spiral?" He blanched. "I'm sorry, Joel. I thought there might be a way, but my dad says it's impossible." I chanced a step closer, summoned the nerve to ask. "By killing yourself?" "Yeah, but it won't work." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "The Mark that curses us also protects us. Cain—the first Cain-was scared to leave home when God banished him, so God promised that his life would not be taken by the hand of man." Walker swore viciously. "Dad says that applies to our own hands as well. We can't kill ourselves. All Cains have to live with the choices we make. Forever." It hurt, trying to process all of that. I focused on what seemed most important. "Walker," I shook my head, "I don't want you to kill yourself." His brow furrowed. "Why not?" Why not? "I-It's wrong." Confusion deepened his frown. "You tried to do it." This was exactly why I didn't want him learning right and wrong from me. "I shouldn't have tried that. And... And if you die, you go to..." My chest tightened—I couldn't say it. "Oh," he murmured. "Caring again." He dropped to one knee, smiling as he caressed my cheek. "You shouldn't worry about that. After what I've done, I've more than earned my spot, right?" "How can you say that?" I asked, my voice so soft that he had to lower his head to hear me. "So flippantly?" "Because I stole your happiness." He tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. "What bigger sin could there be?" "Walker-" "I know. You don't want me to touch you like this." He stood, returned his hands to his pockets. "I'm all out of ideas, Joel. I can't figure out how to fix this goddam spell. I'm..." He turned and left the room. "I'm sorry." The door snicked shut, and the fog swirling around me began to burn away.

My new body was far too small for espresso. April had tried to warn me, but I'd gotten a taste for it two or three lives ago and really, really wanted a double shot. Now I felt as if I was about to vibrate right off the face of the planet. And my stomach hurt. Too proud to let her know either of these things, I simply told her I had an idea I needed to write down and headed home. I had—essentially—a nine year old's body, so the caffeine worked like rocket fuel as I raced up the stairs and sprinted into the room. I didn't think anything could stop me. Except Walker, of course. He was stretched out on the floor next to his bed, doing pushups. As his shirtless body pistoned up and down, rivulets of sweat streamed down the crevices between his pumped muscles, making his skin glisten. The jitters vanished as a different kind of energy flooded my system. "Goddamned curse." I jumped, then realized he wasn't talking to me. "Walker?" "One guy fucks up and God punishes the rest of us for it. Just for being born. Just for having his blood in our veins." Cautiously, I closed the distance between us, crouched before him. "Walker." His shoulders swelled frighteningly large when he pushed himself up; his biceps and triceps did the same when he lowered himself to the floor again. "Piss-ass bitch. Trapping us in a spiral we can't escape. Shoving us deeper and deeper into the shit. Playing with our lives like—" "Walker!" I grabbed his face, forced him to look at me. "God didn't do this to us. You did this to us." His pitch-black eyes went wide with shock as he seemed to notice me for the first time. "I..." My fingers dipped into the waves of hair curling around his ears. "This pain we're in right now?" I shook my head. "It's not God's fault. Understand?" - 82 -

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His face crumpled with grief. "But—" I cut him off, as gently as I could. "You're the one who made the choice. You're the one who cast the spell. " I leaned closer. "It's just us in this spiral." Those dark eyes glistened, before his face hardened. He leapt up and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. The shower turned on, water full blast, and soon tendrils of steam escaped from the top of the frame. Sighing, I sat on the floor and waited for him to come out. It was a good hour before he did. If it hadn't been for him throwing things around in there, I would have been worried he'd gotten it into his head to try killing himself, after all. When he finally emerged, though, I wished I'd at least knocked on the door. "What did you do to yourself?" I asked, jumping to my feet as I stared at his body. He had a towel wrapped low around his hips, but that couldn't hide the raw patches on his skin, the trickles of red against the brown. "Don't worry about it, " he muttered, sweeping a palm over the bleeding scars on his chest. "But... " My gaze slid over him and, for once, I wasn't looking at his muscles. "Your skin..." His hand paused, his voice gentled. "It'll heal. One of the few advantages of being a Cain. I'll be smooth again before you know it." Having him lay my concerns to rest so easily was jarring. I wasn't used to Walker understanding anything. "Why would you hurt yourself?" "Trying to wash this stinking flower off my body. Sometimes, if I scrub hard enough, it fades for a few hours. " "The hyacinth? Why-" Bitterness twisted his features as he jerked his head at my open window. "The smell's making you sick, isn't it? That's why you're trying to air out the room, right?" My lips parted. "That's not it at—" "Don't lie to a liar, Joel." The last of my patience evaporated, and I clenched my fist. "When have I ever lied to you?" He chuckled—dark, frightening. "I suppose you haven't. Which means I'm nothin' more than a fucking liar, thief, and sinner." My eyebrows drew together as I tried to remember whether I'd ever said anything nice about him, beyond the fact I liked his skin. "Walker..." He reached for his towel. "Can't fight destiny. I might as well let the curse in my blood burn me alive." He grinned down at me. "This life is interesting, with you being that height. Bet you can suck my cock standin' up." The towel pooled to the floor. "Till I get hard, anyway. Then my dick'll stand taller than you can." I sucked in my breath. How the hell did he fit that thing in his pants? It was longer than my arm. "Ready for me to damn us both?" The muscles in my neck strained as I tore my gaze from that insanely thick cock to look into his eyes. Two days ago, Walker had been prepared to kill himself to break the spiral. Now he was talking about riding it again. Even with his mood swings, it didn't add up. I crossed my arms over my chest. "Invoke the spell." The fierce mask cracked. "Wh-What?" "You're so eager? Go ahead. Say the words." He didn't move. Naked. Beautiful. Stunned into silence. "Thought so," I said, keeping my eyes locked on his. "So what are you trying to do? Get me yelling?" I tilted my head to the side. "Get me to stop caring when you do things like mutilate yourself?" Walker broke my gaze. "Maybe if I treat you the way everyone else treats you, you can go back to blaming God for your misery?" "Shut up." "Maybe if I give up and stop telling you the truth, you can believe your own lies again?" "Stop talking!" He glanced down at me, his eyes filling with tears. "Please." My heart skipped a beat. I should have pressed on, made him face up to himself, but he looked so pitiful, and I didn't like to see him that way. The confusion that had been wracking me since this life began twisted deeper. I fell back a step. "I... I've had too much coffee. I need to walk it off." Running my fingers through my hair, - 83 -

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I escaped from the room. From his intensity. I didn't have a destination, but it wouldn't be the first time I'd just wandered away. Walker let me go, and it was hours before I realized the significance of that. He'd let me go.

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14 "So cool." I stood by the picnic table, clutching a piece of paper I'd acci-dently torn from my notebook when April snatched it out of my hands. "What's cool?" "This compilation." From her usual perch on top of the table, April turned a page. Awe softened her features as she read. "You have a theme. Picasso had his 'Blue' period; Byron had his passionate, selfdestructive heroes; and you, Joel, have your circles." I patted my chest before realizing that today was the first day it had been warm enough for me to go without a jacket, and I wouldn't be finding what I was searching for there. So where would I put...? Oh. "They're not circles, April." I reached behind my ear, retrieved a pen and smoothed out the paper beneath my palm. "They're spirals." "Circles. Spirals. What's the difference?" "Circles go on forever—I imagine that's why people are so enchanted with the imagery." My pen drew a ring in the corner of the paper, traced the same ring again. "But they just take you to the same place, over and over. With a spiral, there's at least a chance of finality. As you travel it, every rotation takes you someplace different and, God willing, someplace better." I paused, and all at once I understood why Walker had always been so eager to move forward. "Wow," said April. "Never thought of it that way." She turned another page, and a slip of peach colored paper fell out. "Hey, what's this?" She picked it up. "A transfer form?" "Oh." I carefully drew a spiral at the top of my page. "Yeah." Her voice dropped to a pained almost-whisper. "You're leaving? When were you going to tell me?" Walker returned my will, so in theory I could leave any time I wanted. But even before my birthday, that desperate litany to keep me at his side had lost its hold. Why was that? I wondered. Why did some invocations stick while others faded? "Relax. I pick one up every week or so. I never turn it in." She leaned forward. "Why do you get them, then?" Chuckling, I wrote the word 'cursed' beneath my spiral. "I don't know. I'd be a lot happier if I'd run away from here back before the snow fell, I'm sure. Every time I try, something keeps me around. And it's not always..." My sentence trailed as I frowned. "Joel?" Walker had only prevented me from running away the night after the Homecoming game. My gaze slid over my best friend, rested on her latest kitten shirt. This one held one of those long, hooked staffs in both front paws, while a lamb bigger than the cat itself grazed behind. "You've always been there for me," I murmured. "Of course. We're friends." Long ago, I'd decided that Walker had a talent for showing up just when I'd managed to snare a moment of peace for myself. Only to shatter it. But maybe I'd been looking at it from the wrong angle. Because all those moments had been built by April. "Do you know I almost did run away?" I looked into her eyes again. "Remember that night you got ejected from the library and we ended up talking for hours?" Her face scrunched. "11:13! And they totally ignored my suggestion to change it!" So she remembered that, even though it had happened so many lives ago. When Walker had forced me to go to the Homecoming game, she'd come along, eased my tension so that I could actually enjoy being there. In the life she'd called me sexy, I'd been...content. Learning about myself, finding talents I didn't know I had. I'd even defended Walker when she'd called him creepy, before he came along and ruined everything. If things had been just a little bit different, I might have been happy. A quiet, startling revelation came to me as I suddenly saw the spiral from a different perspective. April hadn't been there to give me an escape from Walker. She'd been there to convince me to stay. Why? What did she get out of it? "April," I began carefully, not knowing whether I was right, "do you believe that God curses people?" - 85 -

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She closed my notebook and set it on the table beside her. "Nope," she said, as if this were any other conversation. "I think God's too cool for that. Why do you ask?" Because, despite what I'd said to Walker, I had my own set of doubts. "You don't think God would curse a man and his entire bloodline? What about Original Sin?" April shook her head. "I don't believe in a vengeful, grudge-holding God. I do believe that sometimes a person can do something so horrible that they curse themselves, though." My brow furrowed. "Curse themselves?" "Sure. Look at Original Sin: We broke the rules. We ate the fruit. We got ourselves booted out of paradise. Some of the things we do puts a mark right on our soul, and it's not always so easy to get rid of it." She rested her elbows on her knees. "But God's been giving us ways to clean it off from the moment we got ourselves cast out, going so far as to sacrifice his own son. Because he loves us. That's the God I believe in." I glanced down at my paper, wrote 'redemption' under the word 'cursed.' God gave the Cains a pretty big chance at redemption—a spell that could do almost anything. They were plagued with flaws so deeply ingrained that most of them just couldn't see the answer. Walker was close. I could feel it. I could also feel the spiral tearing him apart. "Joel, do you want to go to the coffeehouse later? I heard there's a great jazz band playing there tonight." I glanced up. "Thanks, but I think I'm going to hang out with my roommate." Her eyebrows lifted. "With Walker? On a Saturday night? Yawn-fest." If April had been convincing me to stay all this time, then why wouldn't she want me home with him? Sighing, I wrote another word under the first two. Mistakes. "Yawn-fest?" She shrugged. "I don't get how you can stand to spend so much time with that guy. He's so boring." Biting back laughter, I wrote 'understanding' beneath 'mistakes' and underlined it. I'd called Walker a lot of things over the past year, but never, ever boring. "What makes you say that?" "Because he's blank. It's like nothing interests him, nothing gets to him. Nothing ever shows on his face when he's walking around campus or at whatever party. He's just eye-candy." She grinned. "Smokin' hot eyecandy, but that's all." A twinge of shame twisted inside of me. Was that how people had seen me before the spell? "You shouldn't be so hard on him. He's got a lot going on." "Wouldn't know it to look at him." Seemed that, in any life, Walker had a hard time catching a break from other people. Wondering if the gypsy might be waiting for me in our room, I tucked my pen behind my ear and straightened. "I'm going back to—" My piece of scratch paper flew off the table and I ran after it without thinking. Caught me by surprise to slam into a wall. It took me a few seconds to realize that the bricks I'd run into weren't made of stone, but of muscle. It took me another few seconds to gather my bearings enough to step away and rub my sore nose. "Sorry," I said, dazed and smiling sheepishly. The smile was ripped from my mouth when a big hand grabbed my hair, yanked back my head. Chad Henderson. "Watch where you're going, freak!" My eyes widened as I took in the monster before me. Wide, thick, enraged. I only came up to his stomach now. That was the wall I'd slammed into. "S-Sorry," I said again. "I didn't mean—" "You think just because you're Walker's little pet that you can do whatever you want?" Pet? He gave me a rough shake, straining the cords in my neck. "Well, do ya?" Jesus, he was an ass no matter the reality. "No." "Damned straight." He flung me to the side, sending me crashing into the picnic table. "Learn some fucking respect!" April jumped up, and if my mouth hadn't been filling with blood, I would have groaned. "Hey! You can't treat people that way." Please don't be so pathetic that you'd hit a girl, I prayed. Of course, he'd already shown he had no qualms - 86 -

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about beating on people less than half his size, so women probably wouldn't be a problem for him. I struggled to my feet, intending to put myself between them. Chad just smirked down at her and walked off. Thank God. April stared after him, her voice soft and stunned. "What's that guy got against you?" I chuckled as I wiped the blood from my mouth. "I pissed him off in a previous life." "So no reason? We should report him to the dean!" Exactly what I needed. Walker's fixation had landed me in the mess I was in now, and he liked me. I couldn't imagine what kind of trouble I'd be in if I drew the obsession of someone who hated me. "We don't have to do..." The breath died in my chest. "Joel?" I motioned for her to be quiet, and to step back. I didn't know what was about to happen, but given the fury on Walker's face as he stormed toward us, I didn't want to risk her getting hurt. And that was possible, even by accident. Because Walker was dragging Chad behind him by the scruff of his neck. Walker pushed him in front of me. "Say you're sorry for busting his lip." "Fuck you." Walker tightened his grip, making the other man writhe in his hold. I looked up into Walker's pitch-black eyes. "Walker—" "I'm sorry!" cried Chad. "For busting his lip!" Chad looked down at me. "I-I'm sorry for splitting open your lip." Walker shoved him to his knees. "And for bruising his chest on the football field." He glanced up in confusion. "I never—" "Say it." "I'm sorry for bruising you!" "And for tackling him when he wasn't wearing a helmet." "I'm s-sorry," he said quickly, bewildered and terrified. I stared in shock as Walker forced Chad to apologize for everything he'd done to me. In every life. Even for things I didn't remember. "Now," said Walker, his jaw tight, "lick his shoes." "What?" Chad tried again to struggle free of his iron grip. "No way!" Crouching down, Walker spoke silken words into his ear. "Lick his shoes, or I will snap your spine and you'll fall face first into his feet anyway." At first, I thought it was a bluff. Lots of guys talked that way when they were angry. Then I remembered that Walker's whole family had issues with things like rage and, well, murder. Chad whimpered. I wondered if he could sense it: that dark, Cain curse. I got my answer when he lowered his head and ran his tongue over my laces. "Lick the soles of his sneakers, too." He hesitated, started to obey. My life snapped back into focus, and I stepped away before he could do it. I looked up at Walker, shook my head. "Fuckin-A." He wrenched Chad to his feet and threw him aside. "Joel's a good guy, so I'm gonna let you go. If you ever screw with him again, I'll kill you. Trust me, I'll do it." He clenched his fist, causing the muscles throughout his arm to swell menacingly. "I got nothin' to lose." His skin pale, his pants wet, Chad scrambled to get away from us. Walker lost interest instantly, turning to me. "Shit. He tore you up good this time." I touched my upper lip, winced. "It's not so—" He knelt on the grass, ripped a piece of material from the sleeve of his t-shirt. Gentle fingers tipped my head back and dabbed at my mouth. He hissed when I jumped. "You should have let him lick the bottom of your shoes." "It was wr-" "Shh. I don't want to hear a lesson right now." He lowered his head, blew a cool stream of air across my top lip. "I've fucked up too much already today. Don't think I can handle more." - 87 -

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Almost unconsciously, I leaned closer, my gaze drifting to the shadows under his eyes. "I don't understand." "Not protecting you." His low voice went gruff. "What good is bein' big if I can't even do that?" "Walker." I reached up, touched the hand still resting against my mouth. "Oh, sorry." He pulled away, rose to his feet and fixed a stern gaze on April. "Hey." "Hey," she replied, although it sounded more like a squeak. "You're gonna take him to the infirmary to get patched up, right?" He looked her up and down. "He feels more comfortable with you." Her eyes wide, she nodded. His gaze drifted back to me as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "See you later, I guess." I stared after him as he turned and strode off. "Well," said April, shaky as she took a deep breath. "He certainly wasn't blank just now." Blinking, I touched my fingers to my lips. "April, do you believe in fate?" "What do you mean?" "Do you believe that some people were meant to meet? To change each other's lives?" "Like you and me? Sure." April and me. The hyacinth. Walker and me. "Do you believe it's part of a grand design?" "Oh, I don't know about all of that. We must have a choice in the matter, don't you think? Otherwise, what's the point?" A choice. "All Cains have to live with the choices we make." Cains had a tendency to make the wrong choice. That was their fatal flaw. Their real curse. With every turn of our lives, Walker inched closer to the right one, the one that could set him free. He just needed more time. Could I give him that? If he didn't have the power to break the spiral, then maybe I did. But first, I had to make sure—absolutely certain—that he had at least a chance at redemption. I had to understand this curse, the mistakes we'd both made... And, finally, I'd have to understand Walker Cain.

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15 Shivers wracked my body and I huddled deeper into my covers. So cold. I was surprised my teeth weren't chattering. "Joel." I moaned, kept my eyes squeezed tight as I tried to hold on to my half-sleep. "Joel, wake up." My mind snapped to attention, and I pulled the blanket from my face. "W-Walker?" He scowled down at me as he slammed my window shut. "Why the fuck do you leave this thing open when you know your body's not strong enough to take the draft?" “I-” "You're so fucking stubborn! If the hyacinth bothers you that much, then tell me and I'll sleep outside." My brow furrowed as I tried to follow him. His mood swings didn't faze me so much anymore—with all our lives jumbled together in his head, the leaps from cute to cocky to enraged were easy to understand. I was just having trouble deciphering words at the moment. "Sleep outside..." He stiffened, then spun. "Fine." "Wait." I pushed myself up, wrapping the covers around my body as I stared at his wide, rigid back. "I-I don't want you to go-" Walker turned, surprise flickering over his features. "What?" Still groggy, I scrubbed at my face with my hand. "Don't sleep outside. It would make me, " I yawned, "sad. " His eyes rounded. "Are you okay, Joel?" Reaching behind me, I dragged the blanket up over my head to form a hood. Walker crouched beside the bed. "You really are cold, aren't you?" "I don't know why. The temperature isn't that low." I blinked at him. "I think my body is just fragile." A low, crooning sound slipped from his lips. "I'll turn on the heat." Then Walker would be the miserable one, drenched in sweat. "No." He frowned, and I could see his confusion clearly even in the dark. "Please?" Laughter bubbled up inside me, and I had to cover my mouth with my hand to protect my split lip. He thought I was testing him. "Walker," I mumbled through my fingers, "do you still have that home remedy you were talking about a while back? For my mouth?" His face cleared and he leapt to his feet, rushing to his foot-locker. "Yeah, somewhere..." He rummaged around, snatched up a black tin. "Here it is." Twisting it open, he hurried back to my bed. I looked into the container. "You're sure that's not the stuff that turns blood into ash?" He chuckled, dipping his middle finger into the cream. "I'm sure. It's in a bright red jar if you ever need it." "Do me a favor?" "Sure." "Throw it out and never make it again?" Walker paused, nodded. He reached out to me with the cream, hesitated, and held out the tin instead. He thought I didn't like him touching me, and he respected that. After changing so much, redemption couldn't be too far from his grasp, could it? "Joel?" I looked into his shadowed eyes, and thought I saw the spiral twisting there in the darkness. He'd been in a lot of pain this life, and he did everything he could to conceal it. Reaching past the tin, I slipped my hand over his, drew it closer. Bowing my head, I brought my mouth to his middle finger and touched my aching lip to the cream. Walker gasped. I guided the pad of his finger over my cut, felt the cream cool and soothe instantly. Keeping hold of his hand, I glanced up. "Was that how I was supposed to apply it?" The shadows faded, replaced with wonder. He put down the tin, used that hand to cup my jaw. Removing his other hand from mine, he snapped his fingers. A black spark leapt to my mouth. The soothing sensation on my lip intensified, and soon I didn't feel any - 89 -

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pain at all. "How's that, Joel?" His palm felt warm against my face, and I didn't want his touch to draw a blush from my skin. I reached up, curled my fingers around his. "Better," I said, drawing his heavy hand down to my lap. "I didn't know you could heal." "I can't. I just used my magic to charge the properties already in the cream." "Oh," I said, although I didn't comprehend his explanation. "Did you use this remedy when you scrubbed yourself raw?" "Didn't have to. The pain wasn't that bad, and the scratches were shallow enough that they healed on their own pretty quick." But he kept the remedy close by, which meant he'd been prepared to receive much worse injuries. "Walker, how many times have you had to refill that tin?" "Eight or nine, probably." His back jerked straight when he realized what he'd admitted. "Sometimes people hit their threshold of tolerance when I'm around them too long, and they need to beat the crap out of me." He lowered his head. "It's not that bad, and it hasn't happened at all since I've gotten bigger, so don't worry." It still felt strange to see how well he knew me. Stranger to watch him try and circumvent my concern. "You know you didn't deserve them, don't you? All those beatings." He shrugged. "I'm a Cain. Besides, you weren't there. You can't understand." My thumb caressed his palm. "I'm sorry I knocked you against the wall the first time you hugged me." His eyebrows drew together. "Don't feel guilty for anything you've done to me, Joel. Being with you is," he took a deep, shuddering breath, "so great. And all I ever do is hurt you." "I shouldn't have done it." Releasing his hand, I curled deeper into my covers. "It wasn't right." "Let me turn on the heat." "Let me sleep with you." Every muscle in his body jumped. "H-Huh?" My gaze dipped to his torso. "You run hot. I run cold. Makes sense, doesn't it?" Walker reached out, and his long fingers grazed my forehead. "Are you sure you're okay?" "When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?" He drew away from me and glanced down at the floor. "I..." "Don't lie." Lifting his gaze, he told me the truth. "Not for a couple lives, now." That long? It was only a matter of time before this curse killed him. "The spiral is better for you when you're close to me, right?" He nodded. I nodded with him. "It's better for me too. Why don't we try to get a good night's sleep together?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "Why are you being so nice, Joel?" Leaning forward, I let his flowers surround me. "Does it matter?" Walker didn't say anything. His eyes were hypnotic, and he was silent for so long I began to nod off into that half-sleep again. He caught my body as it slumped. "I've got you, " he murmured, rising to his feet and cradling me in his arms. "Are you sure about this?" I rested my head against his broad shoulder. "I'm sure." "I won't make a move on you, Joel. " He carried me to his bed. "Promise." My hand drifted to his biceps, hard and round beneath my palm. I was fairly certain that the flex in his muscles was due to the angle of his arms, and not my weight. It made me feel like a child. "Do you think I'm weak?" Walker snorted as he laid me on the mattress. "Hell no. Your body's delicate, but you're always willing to fight. " He crawled in, slid his hand to the small of my back. "Even with Chad today. Your whole body must've felt like shit, but I saw how you tried to put yourself in front of April. " He frowned. "Are you sure about getting rid of the red jar?" "Yes." Sighing, he lifted his hand to stroke my cheek with his knuckles. "You never stop fighting. I thought you'd given up this time around, but you found your strength again. It makes me. - 90 -

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"What?" I asked, letting his warmth sink into me. "It makes me want to be strong too. The way you are, on the inside." I nestled myself against his body. "Walker. " "Yeah?" Coaxing his arm to drape over me, I spoke to the trench between his pecs. "Why don't we try and get some sleep?" His chest hitched, but he rested his chin on top of my head. "O-Okay. Goodnight, Joel." "Goodnight." My eyes drifted shut, and I listened to the rhythm of his breathing. It steadied within seconds, telling me how much he'd needed this. "You never stop fighting." Walker didn't know that this was my last fight, that I had no more battles inside of me. But I didn't share that with him. I'd give him a night of peace. And soon, maybe I could give him his chance at redemption.

Walker's head shot up, abashed as he locked eyes with me from his bed. "I-It was on the mattress when I came in. I swear." Closing the door behind me, I smiled when I saw the composition notebook in his hands. "It's alright, Walker. I left it there for you." His head tilted to the side. "You did?" "How far have you gotten into it?" He smiled—happy, almost shy. "Just finished the first poem. You never let me read any of your stuff before, Joel." "Seemed like the right time." I went to my desk, pulled out another notebook. "Keep reading. Let me know what you think when you're done." "O-Okay." Silence fell, and my mouth crooked as I retrieved a pen. A week ago he was threatening to kill Chad Henderson. Today he was stammering over being given permission to read my poetry. Although I understood the extremes in Walker's personality better now, it still made my head spin. Or was that the spiral? Difficult to differentiate between the two. My half-grin faded. I tapped pen against paper, made a few more notes as I tried to concentrate. This was important. I had to get it just right. Walker sniffled. I didn't look up. Considering the choice carefully, I drew a star in the margin. The last one. I hoped I hadn't forgotten anything. I wouldn't have a chance to add more later. "Joel?" I closed my notebook and turned in my chair. "Finished?" Tears streamed down his face as he nodded. "And?" "Everything you write is so," he rubbed at his eyes, "sad." "Do you know why everything I write is sad?" His body started, but he answered. "Because of me," he said wretchedly, looking for all the world like a puppy left out in the rain. Relief swept through me. Although Walker had shown me a lot, I'd needed reassurance that he could learn. Especially today. Holding my newly finished book under my arm, I stood and crossed the room. "That's right." He stared down at me as his eyes crinkled at the corners. "I'm sorry." "How sorry?" A sob burst out of him. "What do you mean? I've been good, right? I know I've fucked up, but I haven't invoked the spell or kissed you or forced you to do anything you didn't want to do!" I smiled. He really had been trying hard. I'd been so distracted I hadn't been able to appreciate it. "True." - 91 -

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His breath caught. "What?" He reached out, pulled his hand back. "That's the first time you've really smiled at me in weeks." "Oh." I eased closer to the bed. "I need to know something, Walker." "Sure. Anything." So eager. But then, he always was. "I need the truth. Understand?" He hesitated, grew serious. "Yeah." Now or never. Time to find out how much Walker had learned. "If you had a chance to do it all over again, a chance to go back to the beginning of the spiral, would you still cast the spell?" Another hesitation, and the answer I got wasn't the one I needed to hear so badly. "I'd cast it again, w-with different words. Maybe different runes." My hopes withered to dust, and I began to step away. "You're not sorry for what you did, then. You're just sorry it didn't work." His hand wrapped around my forearm, tugged me close. "I am sorry for what I did, Joel. But..." He released me, ran his fingers over the poetry I'd let him read. "You never wrote poems before, and they're beautiful. If I could, I'd recast the spell so that you'd have a way out. Then maybe you could go back and write more." He smiled at me. "And maybe they wouldn't be so sad." My eyebrows drew together. "What about giving yourself a way out?" He shook his head. "No escape for me. I have to live with the consequences of my actions." He tentatively touched my healed lip with the pad of his finger. "You shouldn't have to do that. You should be free to leave." Bit by bit, hope crept back. "Wouldn't you miss me?" "Fuck yeah, I'd miss you!" He stopped short, settled down. "I can't make you happy, though. I thought I could, but nothing I try ever works." He swallowed. "I'd do anything to have you happy again, Joel. Even if it meant I had to be alone." It wasn't what I thought I'd needed, but... "I suppose that will have to do." Walker bowed his head. "I know it's not the right answer." He let loose an unsteady breath. "You asked for the truth." "Hard to tell me?" "Shit, yeah." Even better. "Walker," I touched his knee to get his attention, "sorting through right and wrong isn't easy, is it? Even when you're just going by what makes me happy and sad." He shook his head. "If I wrote down the rules, would you try to follow them?" He grinned, eager to please again. "Oh sure. I'd try really hard." I handed him the notebook I'd been writing in all week. "This is for you." Walker took it, opened it up. "What is it?" "The rules of right and wrong, as far as I know them." His gaze darted to mine. "You made this?" He looked down at the book again. "For me?" "Most of them are just suggestions. I'm only human, so in the end you'll have to make your own decisions." Caught in a quiet kind of wonder, Walker turned the pages. "No one's ever made anything for me before." I sighed, tapped the paper to get his attention again. "Under each rule, I put why I think something is right or wrong. I know things go better for you when I explain." His voice went soft. "Joel." My finger slid to a star in the margin. "These rules, though, are absolute. There aren't many of them, because frankly I'm not that sure of myself. I marked them clearly, so you can't miss them. No killing—that includes jerks like Chad. No forcing people into sex—not with magic, not with physical strength." He stiffened, then touched the stars. "I-I'll remember." Before I lost my nerve, I flipped over a page and plunged on. "Now, these are written in no particular order. Aside from the starred rules, one isn't really any more important than the other. Like this one." I pointed to the center of the page. "No scarring your skin to scrub the hyacinth off your body." His chest hitched. - 92 -

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"And this one: Try to make friends, again and again." He frowned. "There's no point. I don't understand why—" "Because I didn't sense your curse when we met, Walker. I liked you well enough, and I can't be the only one out there, right? So you have to keep looking." A smile touched his lips as he dipped his head. "You liked me when we first met?" Damned gypsy. For all his progress, he still couldn't think outside the spiral. "You realize this was before you sucked the life out of me, don't you?" He winced. "But I forgive you." His smooth skin paled. "Wh-What?" I drew away from him, slipped my hands into my pockets. "I forgive you, Walker. For all of it." For some reason, I'd thought he'd be happy to hear that. I should have known by now that he was as predictable as a windstorm. "No." "No?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow. He jerked his gaze away from me. "I don't deserve it." "Why not? You're sorry, and you said yourself you've been trying really hard." "Fuck, Joel! Why do you do this to me?" He rubbed at his eyes again. "I almost miss the tough jock you were before. You're too nice now! After what I did... I need to be... I need to be punished, and-" "I think we've both suffered enough, don't you?" "I haven't. Nowhere near." Staring at his huge body, hunched over my notebook like it was some kind of treasure, got to me. "It's not your choice, anyway. It's mine. I'll deal with the consequences of this one." I ducked my head. "So even if you never earn redemption with God, you've got it with me." "Don't. Please." "Too late." "Why?" "I need it. Apparently more than you do." His dark eyes glistened as he looked at me. "Y-You need it?" I nodded. "The anger and bitterness was hurting me. Letting it go has made me feel better." Confusion wracked him, and he glanced down at my rules again. "No lying," he murmured. "That's a tough one. Sometimes you lie about little things to save someone's feelings, and telling a kid there's no Santa Claus is just cruel. But, generally, you shouldn't lie about the big things." "Joel?" He kept his eyes locked on the page. "Is it a lie when you don't know it's a lie?" I ran a slow hand through my hair. "No. And I realize you honestly thought you had the answer to your spell last life. Don't worry about that." Some of the tension left his shoulders. I mentally went over my list, was pretty sure I'd gone over everything. "Walker." He lifted his head. "I have to go now." "What?" His brow furrowed. "Where?" Forcing a smile, I broke one of my own rules. "I have plans with April." "Oh." Disappointment colored his features. "Okay." "You'll try to follow what I wrote?" He broke into a grin. "I'll study hard, Joel. I'll do my best not to break any of them." "Alright." I held up a hand when he tried to return my poetry. "You can keep that one too." "Really?" He held it against his chest. "Thank you." Seeing that he already thought of it as his made me shake my head, and I went to the door. My hand paused on the knob. "Walker?" "Yeah?" I turned my head. "I don't keep our window open to air out the room. I do it to cool it down, because your body runs so hot." More confusion shaped his expression, but I pressed on. "I like the way you smell. Always did. When we met I thought it was your soap or shampoo, but I loved the way it filled our space. I figured I'd really lucked out with my roommate." - 93 -

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The book he'd been clutching to his chest fell to his lap. "Joel..." "Anyway, I wanted you to know that." I opened the door, winked at him. "Be good." Enthusiasm brightened his entire face. "I will. I promise." That was it, no more to say. So I left the room and closed the door behind me. As I walked down the hall, I wondered if I was really strong enough to do this. My back stiffened, and I quickened my pace. The hyacinth didn't drive me away. I thought I knew the reason for that. I'd been fated to meet Walker. I was the only one who could save him. Tonight, I'd break the spiral.

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16 Hours after leaving Walker, I was on a picnic table in the quad, hugging my knees to my chest. I hadn't broken anything. I hadn't jumped from a bridge or stepped in front of an oncoming truck. Not because I was frightened. Very suddenly, I wasn't sure if it was the right choice. Where had the doubt come from? I'd been sure just this morning. Walker couldn't break the spiral because a spiritual covenant barred him from harming himself. I wasn't bound by any of those rules, so the natural solution... It made sense. Why couldn't I go through with it? Divine punishment? A risk, sure, but I didn't think so. It was a sacrifice after all. That sort of thing was usually a mark in the 'good' column. I glanced around in the darkness. April hadn't shown up. I'd hoped she could give me a little guidance. I guess this time, with this decision, I was on my own. What had changed since this morning? What had shaken my resolve? Walker... It always came back to him. Maybe my thoughts were caught in a spiral, too. Focus. I needed it. Desperately. But I couldn't get my mind on track. He'd cried when he read my poetry. I'd been intent on getting the information I needed and on making sure I'd told him everything, so those tears were only now sinking in. And he didn't fight me at all when I gave him a book of rules to live by. "No one's ever made anything for me before." I couldn't remember making anything for someone before. It felt strange to do, and I hadn't expected him to like it so much. He'd been giddy just to receive a gift. From me. He was ecstatic to receive any positive attention from me, really. And he seemed genuine with his determination to follow my rules, probably hoping to get more. So what would happen if I vanished? Frowning, I tried to see the ripples of that decision. Would Walker stick to what I'd written out? Or would he let the curse engulf him, despite his freedom? His seductive, innocent, maddening smile flashed through my mind. He certainly wouldn't be doing that anymore. Walker... I uncurled my body as I understood the source of my doubt. As much as the consequences of making the wrong choice bothered me, in the end they weren't what had kept me from breaking the spiral. One more fight. I'd done that, given it my all. Walker regretted what he'd done, he was—slowly—changing, and I'd forgiven him. Now it was time to stop fighting. Sliding from the table, I smoothed down my clothing and shook off my doubts. Right or wrong, I knew what I had to do.

Walker, as usual, ruined my plans. He wasn't in the room when I returned to the dorms. The notebooks I'd given him were stacked neatly on top of his pillow, and I wondered where he could have gone. A party, perhaps? So soon after promising me he'd study my rules? I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned. - 95 -

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Maybe he hadn't changed at all. Maybe I'd seen what I needed to see for my own peace of mind. I glanced at the clock and sighed. Midnight. Only one way to find out for sure. I took a seat on my bed, and waited for Walker to come home. Waiting taught me one thing—the spiral had given me the gift of patience. But even that had a limit. Three a. m. He wasn't always back by now, and for a moment I thought he might be taking my advice and trying to make friends. I should just crawl under the covers and leave things until tomorrow. The spiral rotated inside me, its sharp edges slicing and burning. If it hurt this much for me, then Walker must be in near crippling torment. This couldn't wait until tomorrow. Opening the drawer in my nightstand, I slipped out my cellphone and flipped through the stored numbers. Walker had programmed his into it months ago. Maybe it was still... Ah, there it was. I hit the button and held the phone to my ear. Walker answered inside half a ring with a snarl. "Where the hell are you?" My body started. "I'm in our room. Where are you?" He swore so loudly that I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "I'm outside looking for you!" "Looking for me?" I carefully pulled the phone back to my ear. "Since when?" "Since before midnight! I've been scouring the campus searching for your ass!" I chuckled. "What's so damned funny?" "I came back at about midnight." Walker growled. "Royal fuck." Smiling, I cradled the phone closer. "Why were you looking for me?" "Why? Because it's a big fucking campus and a strong breeze can knock you down, that's why!" He'd been worried. And I'd been about to... "Walker—" "What were you thinking, going out so late?" "I had my reasons, but—" "I called April. You weren't with her at all." "I know—" "You lied to me and then disappeared. I'm the liar. Not you." "It was-" Walker wasn't done ranting, and it seemed as if he intended to go on for quite a while. I looked down at my cell, stared at the small screen. At this rate, it would be dawn before I had a chance to say my piece. Bringing the phone to my mouth, I used a low, honey-flavored tone I'd never used with my gypsy before. "Want me." I heard him gasp just before the line went dead. I closed my phone and set it on the nightstand. Less than ten minutes later, the door crashed open, and Walker Cain tore into the room. "That was fast," I teased. "You must have been close." His chest heaved as he slammed the door behind him. "You said..." He bent over, propped his hands on his knees and sucked in a deep breath. "You said..." "Yes." Walker straightened, confused and cautious. "Wh-Why?" I decided to leave that answer for now. "You spent hours searching for me tonight?" He nodded. "You were that worried?" "Of course I was worried!" His fingers curled into fists. "After you left, I started getting all these ideas, and I was afraid you might..." He swallowed, clenched his hands tighter. "Afraid I might what?" Walker rubbed the nape of his neck as he spat a string of curses at the floor. "You let me read your poetry after all this time, you go to all the trouble of writing down rules I can understand, you forgive me? It was like you were putting everything in order." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I thought you were going to try and kill yourself again." - 96 -

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"That was the plan." His head shot up. "What?" "I was putting my affairs in order, making sure you would be alright, before I left to commit suicide." His hands unfurled, trembled. "Am I that hard to live with?" He glanced away, back to me. "Even in this life? I-I can try harder, Joel. I can—" "It's not that." I held his dark gaze. "I intended to break the spiral. To set you free." "Break the spiral..." All expression slipped from his face. "You can't do that. Not for me. I'll use the spell if I have to." "Will you?" "Hell yeah, if it'll keep you alive! I don't care if you hate me forever!" I noticed he didn't mention the curse. It really didn't matter to him. Only I mattered. Despite the twisted nature of his devotion, it made me smile. Frustration tightened Walker's voice. "I don't understand you, Joel. Especially lately." "That's alright. Half the time I don't understand myself either." Leaning back against the window, I propped my wrist on an upraised knee. "I've got a decent understanding of you, though." His shoulders hunched forward, as if he expected a scolding. So I made sure to keep my tone gentle. "When all this began, you thought you were changing into a woman." The anxiety wavered. "Yeah." "Before either of us knew what was going on, you said you could take it. As long as I wanted you." His palm slid over his pecs. "You remember that?" "Didn't for a long time. I've been thinking a lot in this life. About us." He looked like he wanted to move closer; wasn't quite brave enough to take that first step. "Us?" "And the spell. You said I was a narcissist—that was the reason for the transference." Walker grimaced. "Joel..." "Don't try to deny it. It would only be a lie." "I was wrong, I had to be. Otherwise the spell would've ended that night on the football field." "No," I said thoughtfully. "Those things you said were true. And I'm," my gaze slid over him, "so attracted to that body." His eyes widened. I forced myself to focus. "You were jealous of my life." Walker fell back a step. "A-A little, but I didn't mean to put that part into the spell." Honest. Admitting it had to count for something, right? "You couldn't take everything from me, even then. That's why I'm not skin and bones now." Guilt twisted his features. I put together more pieces of the puzzle. "So many things went wrong with this spell. You had to use it again and again just to keep me around. Why do you suppose that is? Why are some invocations absolute and others so fleeting?" He shook his head. "I don't know—" "Why do I stay?" Walker dragged a hand through his hair as his voice went dull. "Because I used magic to keep you with me." His face was so pained. True regret there. "That's what I told myself for a long time. Then you gave my will back, and I still ached to have you inside me." I looked into his bottomless eyes, searching. "I could have left any time after the snow fell, but I stayed. That must mean there's something real keeping me here, don't you think?" Walker's regret flitted to disbelief and back again. "You stayed because I invoked the spell, because I poisoned you with my desire. Nothing else makes sense." "I'm not poisoned. I can tell the difference between my desire and yours now." My eyes went distant as I remembered this year. "It took me a while to pin it down, but I think the night you kept me from running away was the night you started to change. Things were good in that life. It all got shot to hell when I kissed April, but," my gaze focused on his, "I was almost happy." "You were?" he asked, the words trembling on his lips. My gaze dipped to his mouth. "You have so many memories. Was I a good man in this life? Even before - 97 -

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we came here?" "You're always a good man, Joel." His devotion shook me, even as I met his dark eyes. "I only have one set of memories—starting with our original life and leading to tonight." "I-I'm a better guy in this life, Joel. I swear." Anxiety and shame flickered inside of him. "I know you can't remember, but I am. I'm much better now than when I started out. I—" My lips curved into a smile. "I believe you." Walker stopped short. If I ever needed an image of a lost soul, it was in front of me now. "When I called you 'cute,' you thought I wanted you, didn't you? That's why you rushed me into sex." His eyes narrowed as he broke my gaze. "I was wrong." "You should have given me more time." "I thought for sure you'd change your mind if I did," he snapped. The burst of anger made me pause, backtrack. "I guess I can understand that." Walker muttered something about me being too nice again. I leaned forward. "I think I've got the answer to your spell now, if you'd like to hear it." His gaze shot to me. "What is it?" "You cast the spell because you wanted me to want you, but deep down, you wanted it to be real. That's why my memories stayed the same. That's why we've been spinning for so long." I smiled. "You used magic, and all the time you wished you didn't need it." Walker's entire body went still, and silence stretched between us. It was fraying my nerves, and I had to break the quiet. "Isn't that true? Isn't that why you invoked the spell so much less once you were stronger than me? Why you beg to go on walks with me and to sit next to me while I do my homework?" "It doesn't matter if it's true or not!" he shouted. "You don't want me!" My voice was as soft as his was loud. "I do want you, Walker." Just like that, he was still again. "What?" This time, I was the one who couldn't hold our gaze. "That's why I couldn't kill myself tonight. I wasn't afraid of death. I wasn't even worried about making the wrong choice." "Then what was it?" asked Walker, his voice shaking. "You say the spell doesn't keep you here, so what brought you back?" "You." I chuckled when I heard his sharp intake of breath, but I didn't look into his eyes. "I wanted your arms around me. I wanted your smile." A soft sigh flowed from my lips. "I just wanted to be with you." "You don't... How can you..." He hardened. "You're lying." I stared down at my blankets. "You're crazy. And vicious when there's no one around to reign you in." My hand slid down my shin, curved around my ankle. "But in a bizarre way you're also innocent. Cute. Even sweet when you've got it in your head that you'll do anything for me. You're changing, learning, and that's good." I lifted my head. "Very good." A quivering, uncertain smile shaped his mouth. "This has been the most hellish year of my life." The smile vanished. My words flowed forth. It felt natural—easier than the things I'd tried to tell him earlier today. "I've felt everything. Emotions I didn't even know existed. When you walked into my world, I felt alive. For the first time. That's the final piece of the puzzle." I stretched out my legs and slid to the edge of the bed. "I was meant to save you, and you were meant to teach me. That's why the hyacinth didn't drive me away." "Joel," whispered Walker. "I want you." His breath caught. My hands twisted into my blankets. "We need to complete the spell." "What?" Panic swept through him. "No!" I found myself using the same tactic Walker had used on me several times before. "It's the only way." "We can't! Don't you know what could happen?" His hair grazed the ceiling as he began to prowl the room. "This time you could... You could..." Walker turning down sex? Never thought I'd see the day. "It's alright. This time, the spell will be - 98 -

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completed." "I won't do it, Joel. I won't hurt you again." "Come on, Walker." My mouth crooked. "Have a little faith." "Faith?" He stared at me as if I'd lost my mind. "Don't you know who you're talking to? You can't ask me to have fucking faith in-" "If you can't have faith in God," my face sobered, "then have faith in me. You can do that, right?" "Joel." His fire burned out and he began to plead. "I'm scared." "I'll be with you." His lips parted, then he shook off his shock. "If it doesn't work—" "Want me." Walker closed his eyes a long moment. When he opened them again, there was surrender in their depths. I held out my hand, and he crossed the room to take it. Together, we rode the spiral one final time.

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Epilogue I stood in the center of the quad, basking in the sunlight as it caressed my face, the crisp fall air as it skimmed over my skin. "Joel!" Opening my eyes, I saw April running over the grass. She skid to a stop just short of colliding with me, and I tilted my head back an inch to look into her eyes. It made me grin. Five foot four was fantastic. "Finally," I said, glancing at my watch. "I've been waiting here for almost twenty minutes." April and I usually touched base here at four on Tuesdays, because it was the one day of the week we didn't have classes together. But she had plans today and so did I. "Sorry." She bounced on the balls of her feet. "The campus newspaper is out! Did you know?" The university's weekly newspaper was a fairly big event, and—for me—it was even bigger this time around. "Found out this morning when my cellphone rang in class. Professor Ackerly was not impressed." April laughed. "Someone called to congratulate you?" "Lots of someones. It's been ringing so much that I had to turn it off." My brow furrowed. "A lot of women asked me out, too. I don't know what that was all about." "Oh, Joel!" She gave my shoulder a friendly push. "You're a published poet now. Officially irresistible." I snorted. "It's the school newspaper. Not that big a deal." "It's a huge deal. You wrote an uber-amazing, mysteriously sexy poem and put it out there for the world to see." She shook her head in disbelief. "Didn't you read what the editorial said about you?" That got my attention. "The editor wrote something about me?" April raised her hands in her 'why do I even bother' gesture. "Have you even seen the newspaper?" "Actually, I haven't. I went to pick one up and they said they were all sold out. Said they were unprepared to sell so many so early in the day and would restock later." I paused, leaned to the side to study her backpack. "Your bag is looking unusually heavy, April." Her skin went crimson. "Well, I..." "How many copies did you buy?" She linked her hands behind her back. "Forty." Chuckling, I snapped my fingers and held out my hand. "Fine." She reached behind her head and unzipped the bag. "But you're only getting one. If you want more, you'll just have to stake out the newsstand like I did." I took the paper, flipped through the pages. "Why do you need so many, anyway?" "Because you'll be famous soon. In ten years, I plan to make a killing on eBay with these." I glanced up. "You're going to sell them?" She smiled, excited as she carefully closed her bag. "Yep! If my student loans aren't paid off by then, these'll do the trick. If you make it really big, I might even be able to get a nice car." "Ah, April," I said, pained. "This capitalistic side of your personality is ruining my precious vision of you as my guardian angel." "Angel?" She scoffed at me. "Whoever said I was an angel?" "My romantic mind, I guess." Sighing, I looked down at the paper. The whisper of melancholy drifted away when I saw my name printed in perfect black ink. Joel Beckett. I ran my fingers over the words. "I love my life," I murmured. "Do you, really?" I glanced up at April, saw her studying me intently. So I considered my answer. At first, I'd been confused as to why the spell had brought us here. It seemed as if we'd gone backward, and that wasn't supposed to be possible. But, bit by bit, I began to understand that this world wasn't the same as the one I'd liked so much before. I was...more here. So was Walker. Soon enough, it was apparent that Walker had everything he wanted. I had what I wanted too—things I couldn't have gained in the original life. My mind was clear; I didn't need a rush from outside to add vibrancy to my world. I was never bored, never empty. Here, the possibilities seemed endless. "Yes, I'm happy." She broke into a smile. "I'm glad." - 100 -

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Before I could start playing with my angel theories again, a shadow fell over me. "Hi, Joel." "Hey, Walker." I folded up the newspaper, tucked it under my arm. My breath stalled like it always did when I set eyes on him. Those broad shoulders, that thick chest, and those powerful arms stressed a t-shirt that was probably a size too small for him. And those legs... I couldn't help the tremor that went through me when I remembered how they felt wrapped around my body. He leaned down. "Are you having a good day?" April chimed in. "Oh, he's having a great day. Women have been so desperate for a date with him that he was forced to turn off his cellphone." Walker straightened. "Women have been asking you out?" I shot a dark sidelong glance at April. She knew Walker had a jealous streak. Her eyes sparkled as she batted her lashes at me. Definitely no angel. "Hey, look at the time," she said, glancing at her wrist. "You're not wearing a watch," I pointed out coolly. She giggled. "It's a biological clock, mister. As a guy, you'd naturally have no understanding of it." I bit my lip to keep my laughter from escaping. "I really do have to go. Got that date with Sam." She gave me a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for hooking me up, by the way. You know how I like a guy I can climb." "I thought you'd be a good influence on him." I rubbed my cheek. "Now I'm not so sure." Walker moved closer to April. "You're dating Sam now?" "First date today." She smiled. "Hoping to parlay that into more." He crossed his arms over his chest, causing his biceps to swell. It was barely perceptible, but I caught one of the seams in his sleeve popping from the strain. "April, Sam's a pretty good guy and everything, but he tends to fuck 'em and leave 'em. You should be careful." "Oh, brother." She rolled her eyes. "What are you, my keeper?" Walker and I glanced at each other, then at her. She didn't seem to notice. "You two are my best friends, and I love ya, but I've got this covered." Waving at us, she strode off. "I'll call if I need help though!" I watched her leave, shouldering that huge backpack. I wondered— "Exactly how many women asked you out today?" Raising an eyebrow, I focused my full attention on him. "Walker, what have we learned?" Chagrined, he dropped his arms, slid his hands into his pockets. "You're with me and not anyone else." "And?" "And..." His voice softened. "I can trust you." I stepped onto the grass and walked away from the quad. "It's like training a puppy." His long legs easily caught up with me. "I've been learning pretty well, haven't I?" "Yes." I slowed my pace, let my feet pick the direction. I was done with classes for the day, and since I'd set April up with Sam, I thought it would be nice for Walker and me to hang out. "You've learned a lot." He walked beside me, hands in his pockets. "First game of the year Friday." "I know." "You... You want to come, don't you?" A small part of me expected the spell to spin to life and force my answer. It didn't. I was free. "I'm looking forward to it." "I'll score a touchdown for you. I'll look at you from the end-zone so you know it's yours." Sweet. "Thanks." He seemed awkward for a few seconds. "I-I missed you, Joel." I chuckled. "We've been back in school for two weeks; we're roommates again. You can stop saying that now." "I can't help it. The summer was torture without you, with you not letting me call more than once a week." He'd hated that rule—it surprised me that he'd even followed it—but I thought with the spell done, he might find other people to like. For friendship. Maybe more. I figured he deserved a chance to break away from me. - 101 -

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I'm thankful he didn't. Sometimes I'd call him, too. I told myself it was just to vary his routine, to give him a little thrill. Really I just wanted to hear his voice. "I missed you too, Walker." His hand left his pocket, brushed against mine. But he didn't take it. He'd learned so much. When I didn't accept his invitation, he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "Why don't you want to hold hands?" "You're a big football star now. You really want people to know you're running around with a guy?" "Who'd be stupid enough to fuck with us?" Unbidden, my gaze slid over him. He'd been working hard during our time apart, and his body had hit a level of definition and power I hadn't thought possible. No one would be crazy enough to cross Walker Cain. His fingers brushed against mine again. "I'll look out for you, Joel." Giving in, I slipped my hand into his. "Have you called your father yet?" "I did, but he hung up on me." He drew me closer. "I think it had to be really hard for him over the summer, seeing me every day, knowing I wasn't cursed anymore. He's my dad, but he was jealous." I didn't know if Walker had earned redemption yet, but the curse itself was broken. The whole campus adored him, and his own spirit seemed brighter. The change was intangible and obvious all at once. Tragic that his father had trouble dealing with it, but understandable. "You'll keep trying?" "I think so. He told me to never come home. But when I turned twenty-one last month I had access to my trust fund. He could have cut me off any time before my birthday." Walker looked down at me. "That might mean he loves me, right?" I smiled, nodded. He rambled on. "Even if football falls through, I'll never have to worry about money. If he's still jealous at the end of the school year, I'll look for a place out of state, because living close to a Cain with a personal grudge against you is dangerous. Especially when you're related. I'll keep trying, though. You helped me break the curse, so maybe I can help him now." Although I had no doubt his words were genuine, I could also see he was scared of being alone next summer. "Walker? If you're good this year, you can get an apartment close to me when school lets out." He stopped in his tracks. "Really?" "Really." He tugged me against his body. "Would you move in with me?" "That's a big step." My voice went husky. "You'd have to be very, very good." Walker glanced around before gently pressing me against the wall of a building. "I will be. I promise." His big body hid mine from view, so I let my fingers skim up his hard torso, dip into the crevices between his muscles. "I believe you." He shivered. "Can I ask you something?" "Sure, lover." I flicked his nipple with my thumb. Groaning, he braced his forearms on each side of my head. "That poem you wrote..." "Hmm?" I stood on my toes and bit kisses along the curve of his neck. "You read it?" "Yeah," he breathed, shifting his body to give me better access. "I was wondering... Was it about you? Or about me?" Holding the newspaper in one hand, I slid my other palm under his shirt, felt every brick carved into his abs before moving up to his pecs. "Sometimes I can't tell where I end and you begin." He gasped, pulled back to look at me with smoky eyes. "I like that." Grinning, I tugged on his shirt to bring him close. "I thought you might." Walker captured my mouth. His tongue delved deep, giving me swirls of molten pleasure that ignited and fulfilled. I fell into him, moaning against his lips, begging for more. He was the only person who could turn me on this way, the only one who could draw these needy sounds out of my body. The newspaper containing my first published poem slipped from my fingers; the pages scattered and whipped away on the wind... Raven coils of desire surround me. Exhaling softly, - 102 -

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I give myself up to them. Body. Soul. Everything. I surrender all that I have for one chance. Please... Say it. Mean it. Want me.

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