Know All About Manners & Etiquettes: a Comprehensive Guide on the Subject

Know all About

Manners &

Etiquettes

"This page is Intentionally Left Blank"

Know aU About

Manners &

Etiquettes A Comprehensive Guide on the Subject

Ram Partap Verma

ABHISHEK PUBLICATIONS CHANDIGARH-17

All rights reserved.No part of this book may be reproduced, translated or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher/copyright owner.

ISBN :978-81-82472-66© Publisher 2 First Edition: 2009 Published by Abhishek Publications SCO 57-59, Sector 17-C, CHANDIGARH-17 Ph.: 0172-707562, Fax: 2707562 e-mail: [email protected] www.abhishekpub1ications.com Printed at: Shiva Offset Press, Naveen Shahadra,Delhi

Contents Preface l. Introduction

vii

1

2. Work Etiquette

22

3. Interview Etiquette

35

4. Table Manners

49

5. Drinking

80

6. Conversation

96

7. Advice for Modem Women

140

8. Advice for Modem Men

153

9. Salutations of Courtesy

167

10. Modem Dating

190

II. The Hip Funeral

193

12. Men's and Women's Clothes

218

13. Sports Manners

246

14. Travel Etiquette

254

"This page is Intentionally Left Blank"

Preface Etiquette is a code of behavior that influences expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventionall1orms within a society, social class, or group. Rules of etiquette are usually unwritten, but aspects of etiquette have been codified from time to time. Rules of etiquette encompass most aspects of social interaction in any society, though the term itself is not commonly used. A rule of etiquette may reflect an underlying ethical code, or it may reflect a person's fashion or status. Manners involve a wide range of social interactions within cultural norms as in the "comedy of manners", or a painter's characteristic "manner". Etiquette' and manners, like mythology, have buried histories especially when they seem to have little obvious purpose, and their justifications as logical ("respect shown to others" etc.) may be equally revealing to the social historian. ,Manners constitute the language in which the biography of every individual is written. There is no one subject of today which embodies more practical interest to people in general, than a knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society. A lack of this knowledge is felt by almost every individual, whether in the city or country, at horne or abroad. The politeness is not a code of superficial rules, arranged and trimmed up for particular occasions, and then set aside at our pleasure. Like "culture", it is a word that has gradually grown plural, especially in a multi-ethnic society with many clashing expectations. Thus, it is now possible to refer to "an etiquette" or "a culture", realizing that these may not

viii be universal. In Britain, though, the word etiquette has its roots in the eighteenth century, becoming a universal force in the nineteenth century to the extent that it has been described as the one word that aptly describes life during the reign of Queen Victoria. Wearing pajamas to a wedding in a cathedral may indeed be an expression of the guest's freedom, but also may cause the bride and groom to suspect that the guest in pajamas is expressing amusement, disparagement, or disrespect towards them and their wedding. Etiquette may be enforced in pragmatic ways: "No shoes, no shirt, no service" is a notice commonly displayed outside stores and cafes in the warmer parts of North America. Others feel that a single, basic code shared by all makes life simpler and more pleasant by removing many chances for misunderstandings and by creating opportunities for courtesy and mutual respect. The very perfection of elegance is to imitate nature; how much better to have the reality than the imitation. Anxiety about the opinions of others always fetters our freedom and tends to awkwardness. We would always appear well if we never tried to assume what we do not possess. The grand secret of never-failing propriety of good manners and culture is to have an intention of always doing right. There are persons who seem to possess the instinct of courtesy to so high a degree as to require no instruction or practice in order to be perfectly polite, easy and graceful.

Author

About the Book Etiquette is a code of behavior that influences expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. Rules of etiquette are usually unwritten, but aspects of etiquette have been codified from time to time. Rules of etiquette encompass most aspects of social interaction in any society, though the term itself is not commonly used. A rule of etiquette may reflect an underlying ethical code, or it may reflect a person's fashion or status. Manners involve a wide range of social interactions within cultural norms as in the "comedy of manners", or a painter's characteristic "manner". Etiquette and manners, like mythology, have buried histories especially when they seem to have little obvious purpose, and their justifications as logical ("respect shown to others" etc.) may be equally revealing to the social historian. Manners constitute the language in which the biography of every individual is written. There is no one subject of today which embodies more practical interest to people in general, than a knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society. A lack of this knowledge is felt by almost every individual, whether in the city or country, at home or abroad. The politeness is not a code of superficial rules, arranged and trimmed up for particular occasions, and then set aside at our pleasure. Like" culture", it is a word that has gradually grown plural, especially in a multi-ethnic society with many clashing expectations. Thus, it is now possible to refer to "an etiquette" or "a culture", realizing that these may not

x

be universal. In Britain, though, the word etiquette has its roots in the eighteenth century, becoming a universal force in the nineteenth century to the extent that it has been described as the one word that aptly describes life during the reign of Queen Victoria. Wearing pajamas to a wedding in a cathedral may indeed be an expression of the guest's freedom, but also may cause the bride and groom to suspect that the guest in pajamas is expressing amusement, disparagement, or disrespect towards them and their wedding. Etiquette may be enforced in pragmatic ways: "No shoes, no shirt, no service" is a notice commonly displayed outside stores and cafes in the warmer parts of North America. Others feel that a single, basic code shared by all makes life simpler and more pleasant by removing many chances for misunderstandings and by creating opportunities for courtesy and mutual respect. The very perfection of elegance is to imitate nature; how much better to have the reality than the imitation. Anxiety about the opinions of others always fetters our freedom and tends to awkwardness. We would always appear well if we never tried to assume what we do not possess. The grand secret of never-failing propriety of good manners and culture is to have an intention of always doing right. There are persons who seem to possess the instinct of courtesy to so high a degree as to require no instruction or practice in order to be perfectly polite, easy and graceful.

Chapter 1

Introduction Manners and Etiquette go hand in hand, but are not the same. Etiquette is a set of rules dealing with exterior form. Manners are an expression of inner character. According to Emily Post, perhaps the most influential American writer on etiquette in the twentieth century, "manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen La know them; manner is personality-the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward. life." M,;nners are common sense, a combination of generosity of spirit and specific know-how. Rules of etiquette are the guiding codes that enable us to practice manners. Most commentators would agree with Emily Post and .add that rather than being stiff, rigid rules, proper etiquette is meant to help people get along with each other and avoid conflict. Respect, kindness, and consideration form the basis of good manners and good citizen-ship. Etiquette becomes the language of manners. Rules of etiquette cover behaviour in talking, acting, living, and moving; in other words, every type of interaction and every situation. Proper codes of behaviour have been a concern for thousands of years. The first known book on appropriate behaviour was a guide that Ptah-hotep, a government official in Egypt in 2500 B.C., wrote for his son. Several Greeks and Romans wrote behaviour guides, including Aristotle, Horace, Cicero, and Plutarch. In thirteenth-century Europe, the chivalric

2'

Introduction ~ I~---------------------------------code established precisely and minutely the proper behaviour for knights regarding the Christian church, their country, and the treatment of women. During the reign of Louis XIV (1638-1715) in France, the term "etiquette" came into use. Based on the French word "ticket," which denoted the proper paths for nobility to follow in the gardens of the palace of Versailles, the rules of etiquette came to provide a daily, very precise list of functions related to times, places, and proper dress and behaviour. Thus, proper etiquette came to be associated with the upper classes and those trying to emulate their behaviour. Nevertheless, proper manners were a concern even of leaders in the more democratic society of eighteenth-century America. At age fourteen, George Washington transcribed his own "Rules of Civility." William Penn published collections of maxims on personal and social conduct. Benjamin Franklin's very popular Poor Richard's Almanac was full of comments on proper behaviour. During the nineteenth century, hundreds of books on etiquette were published in the United States. These were designed for the common person and schoolchildren as well as the upper classes. One of the most popular, which has survived to the twenty-first century, is the Youth's Educator for Home and Society, published in 1896, which covered a wide variety of situations, including the usual-parties, traveling, weddings, parents and children, letter writing, and personal hygiene-but also, cycling. As society has changed, so have rules for proper behaviour. After World War I (1914-1918), society became more open as roles of women began to change. Many believed that proper manners would become less important. In 1922, Emily Post published the most popular book on etiquette for society, business, politics, and home and family. Her book became the model for thousands of others since then. The sixteenth edition of Etiquette was published in 1997. Instead of decrying the lack of etiquette among Americans, Post applauded their youthful enthusiasm and

Introduction

13

sought only to refine it. She claimed that improvements in taste in home decoration were evidence of progress. She also pointed out other examples of improvements; for instance, unlike earlier times, weddings no longer had to be set by noon for fear that the bridegroom would no longer be sobre after that hour. There are still many writers on etiquette and manners. Some of the most popular include Miss Manners, or Judith Martin, who presents her comments in several types of media; Letitia Baldridge, who was particularly influential during the late 1900s; Sue Fox, who joined the" dummies" series with her Etiquette for Dummies (1999); and Emily Post's great granddaughter-inlaw, Peggy Post. THE PRESENT

Many manners commentators agree that although society and manners changed before World War II (19391945), the changes since then have amounted to nearly a revolution, and writers have created etiquette rules for the new situations. One way to describe the difference is that rules of etiquette are no longer for how to behave properly in a restricted society, but to provide knowledge of ways to put others at ease. Few people now have to deal with servants, mansions, or elaborate entertainment, but they still have to deal with difficult or unknown situations in business or the community. American society has also become much less formal. One simple yet indicative example of the change is the proper greeting. Instead of the formal "How do you.do," "hello" is now considered appropriate. Also, earlier it was not considered proper for a girl or woman to walk alone. Etiquette delineated when she should be accompanied by a woman her age, by an older woman, or by a man. Today, the advice not to walk alone would be a safety concern. Probably the greatest change since the 1960s has been in the relationship between men and women toward greater equality. Lord Chesterfield once declared that no

Introduction

---:;---(4

~ I~----------------------------~---

provocation whatever could justify any man not being civil to any woman. "It was due them and the only protection women had against a man's superior strength." Men are no longer expected to protect women in every instance; rather, they are to treat them equally and with the consideration due every person. However, as folk singer Joan Baez is credited with saying, "If I have a baby in one arm and a guitar in the other, I'm not going to say no to a man who offers to open the door for me." There are etiquette books and Web sites for nearly every subject imaginable. The arena of most concern appears to be the proper manners and etiquette for weddings. A large bookstore may carryover 200 titles related to wedding planning, the event, and the honeymoon. Other titles reflect changes in American society and cover everything: singles in the city, all sports (not just cycling), proper computer "netiquette" and use of cellphones, and multicultural situations. The coverage demonstrates the changes in society but also demonstrates the continued concern about how to behave appropriately. As many people believe, good manners may be dead, but certainly the curiosity and concern about rules of etiquette are alive and well. Etiquette is a code of behaviour that influences expectations for social behaviour. according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. Rules of etiquette are usually unwritten, but aspects of etiquette have been codified from time to time. Rules of etiquette encompass most aspects of social interaction in any society, though the term itself is not commonly used. A rule of etiquette may reflect an underlying ethical code, or it may reflect a person's fashion or status. Like culture", it is a word that has gradually grown plural, especially in a multi-ethnic society with many clashing expectations. Thus, it is now possible to refer to etiquette" or "a culture", realizing that these may not be II

Introduction

Is

universal. In Britain, though, the word etiquette has its roots in the eighteenth century, becoming a universal force in the nineteenth century to the extent that it has been described as the one word that aptly describes life during the reign of Queen Victoria. As a leader, many times we find ourselves in very public situations. In these cases, we must carry ourselves with the utmost diplomacy and tact. To do so, portrays a positive and professional image to your audience. Knowing how to interact with a myriad of different people and in different situations is key important when being a leader. To learn the ins and outs of etiquette can sometimes be very tricky, but with a little practice even the most difficult situation can be navigated with ease. Lesson Objectives By the end of the lesson, learners will: • Understand some basic manner rules. • Describe the different codes of dress. • Understand the rules of communications etiquette including phone, cell phone and email. • Describe various rules for dining etiquette.

LESSON CONTENT Someone once told me that a leader must live their life in a fishbowl, their every move on display. For that reason, and many others, it is important for leaders to understand and practice, some simple rules of etiquette. It isn't about knowing with which fork to eat your salad, though that is important on some level. It is more about showing that you care about others, how you treat them and how you make them feel.

SOME BASICS TO REMEMBER These are some good rules of thumb to put into practice in everyday situation in which you may find yourself: • Open doors for others and them to enter first. If you are entering a door and someone is behind you, hold the door until the person behind can

~

Introduction

grab it. If someone holds the door for you, say "thank you". • Always greet someone when they come to meetings, conferences, etc. If you are a guest somewhere, be pleasant and introduce yourself to people. Whether at home or elsewhere, always pick up after yourself. • Wait your turn and do not interrupt other people when they are speaking. • Be a good sport. Win graciously, LOSE MORE GRACIOUSL Yl • Take compliments well. Say "thank you", and avoid putting yourself down or pointing out flaws. • When people do things differently from you be respectful of those differences. Guidelines To Live By: • Anything which is used by a number of persons should be replaced in its original place after use. Replace it in the same place from where one has taken it so that someone else does not have to search for it when required. • Having used an item, e.g. a chair, do not leave it in the way or in a place where it becomes an obstacle for others. • When giving someone an item, do not throw it at him from a distance but give it to him in his hand. • When passing something to another whether it be heavy, hot, a liquid or food, do not pass it over someone's head as it may accidentally slip out of one's hands. • If a needle becomes stuck in cloth while sewing, do not pull it out with your teeth. It may break and hurt you. • Do not leave a needle or any sharp or dangerous items on chair or bed. Somebody may sit or lay on it. • Do not pick one's teeth with a needle or knife. This is extremely dangerous.

Introduction

• •

• •

•

•

• • •

• •

17

Check how many of these guidelines are you already following. Do not suddenly lift a stone which has been lying in the same spot for some time. Perhaps a scorpion, etc., may be hiding there under. Do not throw peels or any other harmful objects in the pathway or road. Before lying down to sleep, dust the bedding with a cloth. Sometimes harmful insects settle in the blankets. After having eaten, do not leave without having the food removed first. It is disrespectful to leave the food and to move away. First, send the food away then get up. The crumbs and left over food that cannot be eaten should not be thrown into trash. Birds and animals can eat such food. Put it in a place where animals and birds may eat from it. Do not throwaway a lighted match. First extinguish it. Do not leave a burning lamp unattended at home. If no one is present, extinguish it. When handling dangerous items such as a burning can of 'boiling water, hot oil, etc., be very careful. (Some people are in the careless habit of leaving a cup of hot tea or water at edge of the table. A small child may grab it and spill the boiling contents on himself. Sometimes women are in the careless and dangerous habit of leaving cooking utensils with their handles protruding from stoves. A person passing by may knock against the handle and spill the contents with grave consequences. Translators) Do not purchase unnecessary crockery or utensils. This is wasteful. Always keep a stock of essential medicines at home.

-n

Introduction

•

•

• • • • •

•

• •

• •

•

On a journey 'do not eat foods offered by a stranger. On a journey do not accept the responsibility of caring for the goods or anything left by strangers nor undertake to deliver any letter or parcel for them. Take additional money with you on a journey. If you are in debt, then remember to settle the debt by paying whatever you can. Do not give such large loans which will put you into difficulties in the event of non-payment. Do not use medicine without it having been prescribed by a qualified physician. Safeguard and treat with care an object which you have borrowed. After use, return it immediately. Do not wait for the owner to request the return of the item. Do not use the articles of others without their permission. To do so is sinful. However, if someone has committed this sin of removing the item, he should return the item to its original place so that the owner experiences no difficulty locating it. Have a fixed place for your things. Always replace them in their current place after use. Do not lift very heavy objects. Many people suffer life-long ailments and physical dislocation as a result of having lifted very heavy burdens in their younger days. In this regard women should exercise exceptional care. Do not throw anything, e.g. a pebble, in jest. It may strike someone in the eye or hurt another. If you have to pass in a gathering and you have a sharp instrument with you, keep the point or sharp edge down, covered or concealed to avoid any accidental injury to anyone. Even in jest do not point a sharp instrument to anyone. This is dangerous and forbidden.

Introduction

• •

•

•

•

• • •

\9

Do not give an open knife in someone's hand. Place it down so that he may lift it himself If a person is hard pressed and offers an item for sale, do not take aclvantage of his situation to acquire the article at a ridiculously low price. Either aid him or purchase it at a fair price. Do not cut down a tree which provides shade and rest for people or animals, especially if the tree is not one's property. By doing so, people and animals are put to difficulty. This results in azab (divine punishment). The thawab (Divine reward) for giving people insignificant items such as salt or a match to light the fire with is as much as the thawab one can obtain by preparing a complete meal for another. Giving a chink of water to someone in a place where w/ater is available in abundance is the equivalent in thawaab of having emancipated a slave. Giving water in a place where water is scarce is equal in thawaab to reviving a dead person. Do not sit with part of your body in the sun and part in the shade. Do not sleep on your stomach. When a morsel of food falls from your hand, pick it lJP, clean it and eat it. Do not discard it out of pride. Food is the blessing from Allah Ta'ala. Respect it and be grateful.

MANNERS Manners involve a wide range of social interactions within cultural norms as in the "comedy of manners", or a painter's characteristic "manner". Etiquette and manners, like mythology, have buried histories especially when they seem to have little obvious purpose, and their justifications as logical ("respect shown to others" etc.) may be equally revealing to the social historian. In America, the notion of

-un~

__________________________________In_t_ro_d_u_ct_io__n

etiquette, being of French origin and arising from practices at the court of Louis XIV, is occash,mally disparaged, especially by those unfamiliar with etiquette's social foundations and functions, as old-fashioned or elite, a Likecode concerned only with apparently remote directives such as "which fork to use". Some such individuals consider etiquette to be an unnecessary restriction of freedom of personal expression; others consider such a philosophy to be espoused only by the unschooled, the unmannerly and the rude. For instance, wearing pajamas to' a wedding in a cathedral may indeed be an expression of the guest's freedom, but also may cause the bride and groom to suspect that the guest in pajamas is expressing amusement, disparagement, or disrespect towards them and their wedding. Etiquette may be enforced in pragmatic ways: "No shoes, no shirt, no service" is a notice commonly displayed outside stores and cafes in the warmer parts of North America. Others feel that a single, basic code shared by all makes life simpler and more pleasant by removing many chances for misunderstandings and by creating opportunities for courtesy and mutual respect. In sociology, manners are the unenforced standards of conduct which show the actor to be cultured, polite, and refined. They are like laws in that they codify or set a standard for human behaviour, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system for punishing transgressions, other than social disapproval. They are a kind of norm. What is considered "mannerly" is highly susceptible to change with time, geographical location, social stratum, occasion, and other factors. That manners matter is evidenced by the fact that large books have been written on the subject, advice columns frequently deal with questions of mannerly behaviour, and that schools have existed for the sole purpose of teaching manners. A lady is a term frequently used for a woman who follows proper manners; the term gentleman is used as a

Introduction

ru

male counterpart; though these terms are also often used for members of a particular social class.

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES Etiquette is dependent on culture; what is excellent etiquette in one society may shock another. Etiquette evolves within culture. The Dutch painter Andries Both shows that the hunt for head lice (illustration, right), which had been a civilized grooming occup~tion in the early Middle Ages, a bonding experience tnat reinforced the comparative rank of two people, one groomed, one groomer, had become a peasant occupation by 1630. The painter portrays the familiar operation matter-of-factly, without the disdain this subject would have received in a nineteenth-century representation. \ Etiquette can vary widely between different cultures and nations. In China, a person who takes the last item of food from a common plate or bowl without first offering it to others at the table may be seen as a glutton and insulting the generosity of the host. In America a guest is expected to eat all of the food given to them, as a compliment to the quality of the cooking. Etiquette is a topic that has occupied writers and thinkers in all sophisticated societies for millennia, beginning with a behaviour code by Ptahhotep, a vizier in ancient Egypt's Old Kingdom during the reign of the Fifth Dynasty king Djedkare Isesi (ca. 2414-2375 B.C.). All known literate civilizations, including ancient Greece and Rome, developed rules for proper social conduct. Confucius included rules for eating and speaking along with his more philosophical sayings. Early modern conceptions of what behaviour identifies a "gentleman" were codified in the sixteenth century, in a book by Baldassare Castiglione, Il Cortegiano (liThe Courtier"); its codification of expectations at the Este court remained in force in its essentials until World War I. Louis XIV established an elaborate and rigid court ceremony, but distinguished himself from the high bourgeoisie by

~~__________________________________ 1I_1t_ro_d_u~ct_w~n~

continuing to eat, stylishly and fastidiously, with his fingers. An important book about etiquette is Galatea, avera de' costumi by Monsignor Giovanni della Casa; in fact, in Italian, etiquette is generally called galatea (or etichetta or protocollo). In the UK, Debrett's is considered by many to be the arbiter of etiquette; their guides to manners and form have long been the last word among polite society. . Traditional publications such as Correct Farm have recently been updated to reflect contemporary society, and new titles Etiquette for Girls and Manners for Men act as guides for those who want to combine a modern lifestyle with traditional values. In the American colonies Benjamin Franklin and George Washington wrote codes of conduct for young gentlemen. The immense popularity of advice columns and books by Letitia Baldrige and Miss Manners shows the currency of this topic. Even more recently, the rise of the Internet has necessitated the adaptation of existing rules of conduct to create Netiquette, which governs the drafting of email, rules for participating in an online forum, and so on. In Germany, there is an "unofficial" code of conduct, called the Knigge, based on a book of high rules of conduct written by Adolph Freiherr Knigge in the late 18 th century entitled exactly Uber den Umgang mit Menschen (On Human Relations). The code of cond uct is still highly respected in Germany today and is used primarily in the higher society. Etiquette may be wielded as a social weapon. The outward adoption of the superficial mannerisms of an in-group, in the interests of social advancement rather than a concern for others, is considered by many a form of snobbery, lacking in virtue. POLITENESS Politeness is best expressed as the practical application of good manners or etiquette. It is a culturally defined phenomenon, and what is considered polite in one culture can often be quite rude or simply strange in another. While

Introduction

Ii3

the goal of politenes is to make all of the parties relaxed and comfortable with one another, these culturally defined standards at times may be manipulated to inflict shame on a designated party. The British social anthropologists Penelope Brown and Stephen Levinson identified two kinds of politeness, deriving from Erving Goffman's concept of face: • Negative politeness: Making a request less infringing, such as "If you don't mind ... " or "If it isn't too much trouble ... "; respects a person's right to act freely. In other words, deference. There is a greater use of indirect speech acts. • Positive politeness: Seeks to establish a positive relationship between parties; respects a person's need to be liked and understood. Direct speech acts, swearing and flouting Grice's maxims can be considered aspects of positive politeness because: - They show an awareness that the relationship is strong enough to cope with what would normally be considered impolite (in the popular understanding of the term); - They articulate an awareness of the other person's values, which fulfils the person's desire to be accepted. Some cultures seem to prefer one of these kinds of politeness over the other. In this way politeness is culturallybound. Techniques to show politeness: • Expressing uncertainty and ambiguity through hedging and indirectness. • Polite lying • Use of euphemism (which make use of ambiguity as well as connotation) • Preferring tag questions to direct statements, such as "You were at the store, weren't you? - Modal tags request information of which the speaker is uncertain. "You didn't go to the store yet, did you?"

~~___________________________________I_n~tr~o~du~c~t~io~l1

• Affective tags indicate concern for the listener. "You haven't been here long, have you?" - Softeners reduce the force of what would be a brusque demand. "Hand me that thing, could you?" - Facilitative tags invite the addressee to comment on the request being made. "You can do that, can't you?" Some studies have shown that women are more likely to use politeness formulas than men, though the exact differences are not clear. Most current research has shown that gender differences in politeness use are complex, since there is a clear association between politeness norms and the stereotypical speech of middle class white women, at least in the UK and US. It is therefore unsurprising that women tend to be associated with politeness more and their linguistic behaviour judged in relation to these politeness norms. Thus, if a woman is seen to be impolite, this might be seen as a greater offence than if a male were seen to be impolite. LINGUISTIC DEVICES

Besides and additionally to the above, many languages have specific means to show politeness, deference, respect, or a recognition of the social status of the speaker and the hearer. There are two main ways in which a given language shows politeness: in its lexicon (for example, employing certain words in formal occasions, and colloquial forms in informal contexts), and in its morphology (for example, using special verb forms for polite discourse). CRITICISM OF THE THEORY

Brown and Levinson's theory of politeness has been criticized as not being universally valid, by linguists working with East-Asian languages, including Japanese. Matsumoto (1988) and Ide (1989) claim that Brown and Levinson assume the speaker's volitional use of language,

Introduction

liS

which allows the speaker's creative use of face-maintaining strategies toward the addressee. In East Asian cultures like Japan, politeness is achieved not so much on the basis of volition as on discernment (wakimae, finding one's place), or prescribed social norms. Wakimae is oriented towards the need for acknowledgment of the positions or roles of all the participants as well as adherence to formality norms appropriate to the particular situation. Japanese is perhaps the most widely known example of a language that encodes politeness at its very core. Japanese has two main levels of politeness, one for intimate acquaintances, family and friends, and one for other groups, and verb morphology reflects these levels. Besides that, some verbs have special hyper-polite suppletive forms. This happens also with some nouns and interrogative pronouns. Japanese also employs different personal pronouns for each person according to gender, age, rank, degree of acquaintance, and other cultural factors. WESTERN BUSINESS ETIQUETTE

The etiquette of business is the set of written and unwritten rules of conduct that make social interactions run more smoothly. Office etiquette in particular applies to coworker interaction, excluding interactions with external contacts such as customers and suppliers. Both office and business etiquette overlap considerably with basic tenets of netiquette. These rules are often echoed throughout an industry or economy. For instance, 49% of employers surveyed in 2005 by the American National Association of Colleges and Employers found that non-traditional attire would be a "strong influence" on their opinion of a potential job candidate. Etiquette and manners played a large part in the Southern Antebellum society. It was believed that the desire to become true American ladies and gentleman was the goal of most citizens living in this time period. An individual's manner, such as how to wear your hair, how to dress,

~~___________________________________h~lt~r_od~l~IC~tl~'O~ll

bowing and curtseying, dinner etiquette, among many others defined who you were in society. However, interestingly enough, all manners were put aside when it came to the chewing of tobacco. During the Antebellum period more people, both ladies and gentleman, chewed tobacco like never before. The residents living in Athens, Georgia, however, were no exception. The individuals that lived in this small Southern town during the Antebellum period were representative of the rest of the South in most aspects of manners. In this chapter I will discuss the typical manners displayed by southerners in the Antebellum period, and discuss how Athens, Georgia represented the South on a national scale when it came to everyday etiquette and manners in the social lives of these citizens. The years from 1830 to 1870 were the ideal period of the perfect lady. Around early 1830, the waistline, which was mostly raised to the bosom as fashion had required early in the century, fell back to its natural position. Dresses continued to grow fuller from that time on, until they reached several yards in circumference. They were held out by petticoats, and of course corsets were a must. Throughout the Antebellum period, Southern women continued to delight in showing off their shapely bodies. American women decided to be as seductive as possible in order to emphasize their independence. However, women were expected to appear submissive, sweet and resigned at the same time. While proper ladies tolerated no bright colors, perfume was also a major issue among women in the 1840's. There were not any restrictions on perfume, and so, they used it rather liberally. At about this same time in Athens, Georgia, some women chose to dress a little differently. It came to the attention of some travelers that some women chose to break the norm and wear men's clothing. This type of dress was condemned, stating that "it is ok for them to wear them in the privacy of their homes but in

Introduction ~

public it is an affront to men". The dress of men during the Antebellum period was much more conventional than that favored by the women. The ministers dressed in all black and the majority of other men wore black, gray, and dark colors in general. Their clothes remained the same, with a "high stovepipe hat; a long frock coat, at first full and later fitted; trousers with straps beneath the instep; a puffy cravat skillfully knotted to create an impression of deliberate negligence" . Around 1860, sideburns also became popular among men. Beards and mustaches had strictly been ruled out before this time however, "primarily city gentlemen of fashion, began to sport mustaches" .shaving brushes and lather bowls played a prominent part in men's lives. It was fashionable for men to have their initials stamped on them in gold. Hairstyles for women demanded a great deal of taste and judgment. The style of hair varied with the different forms of face. They rarely did their hair themselves, and often times they went to a hairdresser, who would fix their hair according to their facial features. The women of Athens, especially used hairdressers before large social events, for example the commencement ceremonies at the University. The change in hairstyle for men marked potential social change. After the 1800's, wig and powder went decisively out of fashion among the better sort, spurred in part by the President's casual style-much to the dismay of city barbers. From then on men decided to adopt the short hair style. Some of the basic recommendations for individuals to display correct manners included never sleeping in one's clothes during the day, never to keep one's hat on in the presence of a lady, not to tilt one's chair, not to touch one's partner they are conversing with, never grab women by the waist or, in general to touch them, and not to make fun of those who bathed and washed regularly. Cleanliness also became a major issue, one that was new to the Antebellum

~L__________________________________~I~n~tr~od~l~lc~tz~'O~ll

period. The eng raining of habits so thoroughly as to make them feel like second nature implies that powerful cultural forces once worked on the minds and bodies of western men and women. The idea of bathing significantly changed from the eighteenth century to the nineteenth century. For normal cleanliness, the usual eighteenth century method was a basin of water and a towel, what we would call a sponge bath today. However, at the turn of the century, bathhouses were introduced, where individuals took baths in which their bodies were totally immersed in water. It was not until about 1850 that regular personal w~shing become routine in middle class households. Cleanliness became an intense social importance. Cleanliness had social power because it was a moral ideal and a standard of judgment. Being clean was valuable to those individuals who wanted to better their lives and who wanted to move out of the lower classes. Dirty hands, greasy clothes, offensive odors, and grime on the skin all entered into complex judgments about the social position of the dirty person and actually his or her moral worth. By the middle of the nineteenth century, among the middle class anyway, personal cleanliness ranked as a mark of moral superiority and dirtiness as a sign of degradation. Cleanliness indicated control, spiritual refinement, breeding; the unclean were vulgar, coarse, animalistic. A dirty person evoked one of the most powerful of social forces-scorn. Relationships between men and women played an important role in the new code of good manners. When women were involved in conversations with gentlemen, they were never supposed to ask them about their health. Gentlemen, were advised against asking ladies a question period. If they wanted to give a gift to a particular lady, a bouquet of flowers or a book were the only suitable gifts. The slightest contact, however, was to be avoided between ladies and gentlemen in public. Dancing was probably the

I1ltroduction ~

one issue that caused the most problems. The sexes were simply kept apart as much as possible. The only body part that was allowed to be touched during a dance was the elbows. The men never put their hand around the woman's waist. That was just not acceptable. Her waist was forbidden. Other etiquette strictly enforced among women included: never allowing anyone to help her with her coat, shawl, etc. Certain words were also forbidden. For example, a woman called her chest her neck, and she was to call her stomach, her chest. Never was it acceptable for women to show their legs in public. The manners and etiquette in dealing with sexual manors are quite humorous. Since it was inappropriate for women to show the slightest bit of their legs in public, you can imagine how people in the Antebellum period felt about sex. Showing any affection towards one another was strongly prohibited. Even for married couples holding hands, laying your head on your husbands shoulder, or hugging would surely be looked down upon. As the years progressed during the Antebellum period, things began to. change slightly. Couples were allowed to sleep in the same bed together, fully clothed, with a board separating them so any contact would be impossible. However, research shows that the rate of pregnancy increased, and the number of women who were pregnant when they married increased as well. I think sex was kind of an issue that everyone knew happened, between those who were married and even those who were not, but most people simply turned their heads and pretended that it did not happen. Mealtime also had it's own set of manners. It was not appropriate to blow your nose with your napkin, nor was it acceptable to pick up your soup bowl and drink from it. Women were expected to always remove their gloves as soon as they were seated at the table, spread their napkin in their lap or sometimes they would even pin the napkin to their dresses. They were also not supposed to look at

:un~

__________________________________h_lt_ro_d_u_ct_io__ 11

anyone for a long period of time if they were eating loud or happened to spill something on themselves. It was never appropriate for men or women to make any noise chewing. Such noises would be classified as inconsiderate .. As previously mentioned, all manners were set aside when it came to the use of tobacco. Most travelers, mostly European to be exact, felt that people of the south were sincere and cordial. However, these virtues took on an unreserved spontaneity, especially in the art of tobacco chewing. Tobacco chewers were most notably criticized for spitting in public places, especially churches, trains, and boats. It was a mystery to these travelers how men could so entertains themselves as to create an uninterrupted deluge of spit on the floor. They also spoke of the ceaseless spitting on the decks of boats people were traveling on. Some of these stories are believed to be a little exaggerated, but Alexander Mackay, a traveller from the United States, wrote that the floor in his railway car was so covered in tobacco spit, that he decided to ride his whole trip on the platform. Mackay also reported that he saw a man use the tobacco from his mouth to draw pictures on the window of the train. Another traveller, visiting Athens, Georgia, spoke about chewing tobacco in churches. This individual stated: I have visited cities, and have never heard better sermons than in Athens; your churches too are commodious, neat buildings, or were neat before being used for the worship of God; but how shall I express the horror I felt at seeing the shocking defilement which is permitted in those temples of a pure and holy God. The habits of devoted tobacco users were repulsive to most European travelers who visited Athens, as well as any other place in the South. It did not matter where tobacco chewers spit, nothing was off limits. Surprisingly, women also participated in this nasty habit. Women mostly preferred to use snuff, which today we would call, dipping. They even carried around stylish boxes to hold their snuff,

lntrodl/L

tlO0n

and these boxes became somewhat of a fashion statement. Dipping snuff together became a way for the ladies to make friendships, because it was such a common practice. In Athens, as throughout the South, Tobacco chewing among women was not class specific. Indiyiduals seemed to use tobacco, whether they were rich, poor, or middle class. After 1820, however, the use of tobacco among women began to decline. When appearance started to become more important, women decided that it might be inappropriate to continue such practices. Tobacco use among men was much greater than women. They used different methods such as smoking through a pipe, chewing, snuff-dipping, and smoking cigars. However, smoking was a fire hazard, and was the less frequent mode of using tobacco. Smoking cigars was the most frequent method for individuals who were financially secure, and this was the expensive way to consume tobacco. Associated with tobacco use was also the consumption of alcohol. Both of these practices became everyday rituals for some. As we have seen, in the society of the Antebellum South, etiquette and manners played a large part in the daily life of the average citizen. A profound desire to become true American ladies and gentlemen, the goals of most citizens, dictated how you wore your hair, how you dressed, and how you acted in every aspect of life in this time period. As previously noted, however, this desire to live in a mannered society was put aside in regard to the subject of tobacco use, by both men and women alike. The residents of the sleepy little southern college town of Athens, Georgia, as we have seen, were no exception to this prevalence of a desire for manners and proper social behaviour, nor to the use of tobacco by both men and women alike. Athens was truly a microcosm of the Southern life and times.

Chapter 2

Work Etiquette Work Etiquette is a code that governs the expectations of social behaviour in a workplace, in a group or a society. Work Etiquette tells the individual how to behave when dealing with situations in a working environment however trivial the situation is. Office etiquette in particular applies to co-worker interaction and communication with cplleagues.

COMMON PRINCIPLES The common general codes of etiquette at the work place are: • Greeting a person well on the first meeting of the day. • In a meeting or in discussion, relevant references should be mentioned without mentioning any person by name who is closely related to the work. • Persons leading a team of people should be able to understand all the views of his/her team before concluding to a decision or making a point. • In a meeting, keeping the handphone/cellular phone in a silent I vibration mode so it does not interrupt the, discussions on hand and other members of the meeting. Likewise, the person can send a message to the calling party who requires urgent attention by excusing himself/herself from the meeting or discussion.

Work Etiquette

rn

•

When a person is talking or delivering a speech, other members of the group should not abruptly interrupt him/her. If anything is to be said on the discussed topic, the questions or suggestions should be noted down and raised politely at the permitted time (mostly at the end of the speech). In general people in higher positions or capacities would prefer to work silently in a workplace. And they expect the same kind of behaviour from their subordinates or colleagues and all the people working in the same office or workplace. This helps all in concentrating on the tasks at hand by keeping the noise level down without disturbing the other colleagues or people around them. If you try to look up the meaning of the word 'Etiquette' in the dictionary, it will be defined as an aspect of decorum which is a code that governs the various expectations of social behaviour as per the conventional norm, within a society, a social class or a group. Etiquettes are usually unwritten and generally tend reflect the formulas of conduct in the society. Following, etiquettes at a workplace is very important. It generally is the key deciding factor in how your colleagues will respond to you and come to your rescue when you require help. Further, the way one conducts themselves in the office with people who eventually become a part of a second family speaks a lot about the kind of person that one is. OFFICE ETIQUETTES

Here are some office etiquettes that one can follow. Although this list is not comprehensive, I promise you that following this will go a long way in ensuring that you earn the respect of your colleagues. PUNCTUALITY

Being punctual is very important especially if you have an appointment. It shows that you respect the time of your

:Ml~

________________________________~__o7_*_E_t~~~u_et_te~

colleagues and in turn it will compel them to respect your time too. The popular saying that would fit in this situation is that 'Time and tide wait for no one'. Lead by an example and everything else will fall into place. STAY AWAY FROM GOSSIP

I would not go to the extend of saying that office gossip can make or break someone's career. But, it can cause a lot of unnecessary stress whieh should be avoided at all costs. You would not someone to gossip about you and neither will the next person. In some cases, if the source of some malicious gossip can be traced back to you, then your job can be in jeopardy. REFRAIN FROM BEING LOUD

You must not be loud in the professional work environment, be it while you are on the phone or while talking to a colleague. If you have received a call on your mobile phone then it will be a good idea to walk down to the corridor to take the call. This is especially recommended if it is a personal call. Taking care of this will prove that you respect the work that your colleagues are doing by not disturbing them with your loudness. AVOID STRONG SMELLS

This may sound strange but a lot of people who work in very small office spaces will be able to appreciate this piece of advice. Avoid using strong perfumes. You can end up suffocating the entire place with your perfume which is closed and the air conditioners usually do not work efficiently. Secondly, some people would also advice you to avoid bring strong smelling lunch like fish to office especially if you are planning to have it at your desk. DRESS APPROPRIATELY

Most offices have a predefined dress code that has to be followed very strictly. However, if you do have the

Work Etiquette

125

privilege of working at a place which does not define a dress code, then it is up to you to dress appropriately. Remember that office is not a party place and you will have to dress in a way that commands respect both from your colleagues and clients. The dress code has a strong influence in establishing the trust that your client places in your abilities in giving them their money's worth. ASK BEFORE BORROWING

If you are at good terms with your colleague then it may appear alright if you borrowed a stapler or a marker from their desk without asking. Well, the fact of the matter is that it is not alright. It is imperative that you ask and then borrow. This attitude of yours will ensure that people also treat your things with the same respect and your things are not missing (read borrowed) when you get back to your seat after a meeting. Whether you work in a culture where lunch is 'for wimps' or it's simply commonplace to find people snacking or even taking their lunch at their desk or you've been asked to work overtime and a quick bite to eat at your desk or work station is all you can fit in to your schedule there are some very important dos and don'ts when it comes to eating etiquette at work. Assuming the company allows you to do that, here are some basic rules to follow. KEEP IT SIMPLE

It doesn't matter if you prefer a plate of spaghetti to eating a Chow Mein with chop sticks-in the workplace; keep it simple if you are planning to eat at your desk. Stick to things like sandwiches, a pie or a pasty, or something that can be kept in a pot or small plastic container and eaten simply with a fork or spoon. DON'T EAT IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS OR WHilST YOU'RE ON THE PHONE

Be very aware of customers/clients coming into your

261~________________________________W_o_r_k_E_t~0_u_et__ te

place of work and don't eat in front of them if you're at your desk. And, for those of you whose work involves using the telephone, make sure you only eat at your desk when it's your designated break time. Many call centre personnel in particular have been caught out by taking a large bite out of a sandwich or munching a mouthful of crisps when they suddenly hear the '!Jing-bong' that signals another call is coming through. NO SMELLY STUFF

Don't bring food into work to eat at your desk that gives off a pungent smell. Garlic and rich spicy flavoured foods such as you'd find in Chinese or Indian dishes are a complete 'no-no'. You might think they smell and taste delicious but your colleagues sitting close to you may hold a totally opposite view, at least in the workplace. WATCH YOUR TIMING If you work at a 9 to 5 job, be very careful about bringing things in for breakfast. Unless it's the norm around the workplace, it could be perceived that you're not in the right frame of mind to start your working day. After all, your boss will usually expect you to begin work promptly on time at the start of your shift so if you're eating, you're obviously not working which might be looked upon unfavourably by your boss or immediate supervisor. Likewise, if you're on a 10 minute break and you're eating at your desk or work station, make sure you've completed your snack and cleared up before the 10 minutes is up - your employer isn't paying you to eat on their time, after all.

RESPECT THE CLEANERS

Cleaners playa vital role in the efficiency of a company but they are not employed to wipe down food stains or to pick up crumbs except in the canteen so show them and your colleagues nearby some respect and clean up your

Work Etiquette

f27

mess and get rid of any wrappers, food containers, cups and cans when you've finished eating. CONSIDER YOUR COLLEAGUES

Remember that whilst you might be on your break, your colleagues might still be working so show them some respect and keep chat to a minimum if you have to eat at your work station. And, if you do engage in any kind of conversation with them, don't talk with your mouth full. There's nothing quite as repulsive as somebody spitting remnants of food at you when you're having a conversation. PRACTICE GOOD HYGIENE

Once you have finished eating and have cleared up, go to the bathroom and clean your teeth. A toothbrush and small tube of toothpaste kept in a bag or pocket is always useful in the workplace. Wash your hands thoroughly also before resuming work, especially in a shared workspace where somebody might have to use the same equipment as you've been using when they come in for their shift. Whenever it's possible, however, you should always try to keep food and work separate and to only eat in a designated place like a canteen. Not only wiII this mean that you'll not have to remember so many Dos and Donts, a canteen is also a good place for you to socialise and relax and to get to know your work colleagues better. BUSINESS ETIQUETTE

Etiquette is defined as "the forms, manners and ceremonies established by convention as acceptable or required in social relations, in a profession, or in official life." Times change and this affects the guidelines of etiquette. Common sense will typically be your best guide, but it is helpful to have some general ideas regarding business etiquette. A good point to remember in business etiquette is everyone should be treated with equal courtesy and respect.

~~________________________________W_o_r_k_E_tl~'q_ll~_'t__ te

Times have changed and some of the old standards no longer apply. Administrative assistants or office support staff are important people and should never be taken for granted. Treat them courteously in all your transactions. Treat people the way you wish to be treated. Gender no longer needs to be the deciding factor in everyday events. Business etiquette should be a give and take, to help each other when help is needed and have consideration for others. Good manners and business etiquette have always been based on common sense and thoughtfulness. GREETING

When meeting someone, rise if you are seated, smile, extend your hand and repeat the other person's name in your greeting. A good handshake is important - it should be firm and held for 3-4 seconds. Today, in the business world, it is not necessary to wait for a female to initiate the handshake. Females/males should both be ready to initiate the handshake. INTRODUCTIONS

Introducing people is one of the most important acts in business life, yet few people know how to do it. Introduce a younger person to an older person; introduce a non-official person to an official person; and in business introduce the junior to the senior. Be sure to explain who people are and use their full names. Also do not assume that everyone wants to be called by his or her first name - wait until you are told to use a first name. NAMETAGS

In many situations you will be wearing a nametag to identify yourself and your affiliation. Nametags serve an important purpose and should be worn on the right hand side of your front shoulder area. Do not dip nametags to the bottom edge of your jacket. Wearing the nametag on the right side of your shoulder immediately enables a

Work Etiquette [2:9

person to see your name, particularly as you are shaking hands. If the nametag is one worn on a cord around the neck, be sure to adjust the length so it can be easily seen without the other person having to look down. If writing your own nametag, write in large clear letters that can be easily read by others. RECEPTION/SOCIAL HOUR Most receptions or social hours are for the purpose of mingling and making contacts whether for job leads, as part of an interview or an employee entertaining clients. When you enter the reception observe the layout of the room; is everyone standing; some cocktail rounds or tables for seating. Seeing the room layout gives you a clue on how to proceed at the reception. If no tables are available, you should only have a drink or your food in your hand - never both. You should be prepared to greet and shake hands with individuals. If having a drink hold it in your left hand to keep your right hand dry and ready to shake hands. If eating hold your plate on the right hand and eat with the left hand. When someone approaches, you are able to switch the plate to your left hand and your right hand is clean and ready to shake. If tables are available, you may have your drink and food together. However, always be ready to stand and greet people. Networking and/or mingling are an important aspect of attending a business function even if the event is described as a social time. Be sure to greet or introduce yourself to the host/hostess. Spend a few minutes conversing with them on topics that relate to the event or to their business. To move on you can politely say "1 know you need to talk with your other guests." Connect with as many of the attendees as is possible. Do not interrupt people but wait until they include you or there is a break in the conversation and you can introduce yourself. To start conversations, ask the person something about themselves or their job. You will find most people enjoy talking about themselves and this is a good way to

:3cn~

_______________________________W_o_r_k_E_tz~·q_u_et__ te

begin a conversation. Do not be looking around the room for your next contact as you carryon a conversation._with someone. Focus eye contact on that individual and after a time politely excuse yourself to move on to someone else. OFFICE PARTIES

Office parties are good opportunities to improve morale and build good will. Keep in mind these people who see you every day and they will remember a lapse in behaviour. Be aware of your alcohol consumption and do not embarrass yourself. Do not discuss business - this is a social occasion and an opportunity to learn more about your coworkers. PUNCTUALITY

Be on time - no one wants to be kept waiting. If it is an avoidable delay, try to contact the person. Keep in mind that you never know when you will encounter heavy traffic, wrecks, construction or other delays. Always allow extra time particularly if you are going to an interview. For interviews you should arrive 10-15 minutes before the interview time. SMOKING

Be aware of smoking policies. You should never smoke during an interview, at a meal, or when you are aware that the other person's pleasure does not include tobacco smoke. TELEPHONE

Telephone manners are very important. Have a definite purpose for calling someone because telephone calls are an intrusion into their busy day. Identify yourself and speak clearly into the phone - never chew gum, eat, drink or smoke while using the telephone. VOICEMAILJANSWERING MACHINE

If you encounter someone's voicemail, state your name,

Work Etiquette ~

organization, and reason for calling and slowly give your telephone number. Many people will leave a very good, clear message and then quickly rattle off their phone number. Voicemail is most efficient if you leave a concise but detailed message. Many times the person receiving the call will be able to get the information you need and leave that in their return call or message to you. Use voice mail wisely and efficiently. Always have a concise, professional greeting on your answering machine/voice mail. E-MAIL E-mail has become an important part of our comll1unication and should be used in a professional manner' It can be a quick and effective means of communication. Always put identifying information in the subject line to help the individual receiving the message know what it is in reference to. The text box of the e-mail message should begin with a salutation such as "Dear Ms. Smith" or "Hello John" depending on the relationship. After the salutation, drop down to the next line to begin the message. Use complete sentences and appropriate capitalization and punctuation as you would use in a business letter. If needed, you may have multiple paragraphs. The casual email correspondence you have with your friends is not appropriate for business. Do not use all caps in the message nor the symbols for happy faces, etc. Even if you have automatic signature on your e-mail, you should still close the message. (Example: Thank you, Ann Smith). Remember to read your message through after you have written it and to run spell check before you click on the send button. CULTURAL COURTESY Cultural courtesy is becoming very important as more business is being conduced in and with foreign countries. Show appreciation and respect for the differences between our country and someone else's. You should always be

:nl~

________________________________~_o_I_*_E_t~iq_u_et__ te

aware of these cultural differences in etiquette. Be sensitive to their rules of etiquette. If you are traveling overseas representing an American firm be very aware of the customs and culture of the country you are visiting. This can be very important to your business dealings. Research the customs and culture of the country with which you will have business transactions. FIVE KEY WORDS

Remember five words that are too often neglected in business: Please, Thank You, and Well Done. Social skills can help us build more productive relationships. In these changing times, one needs to prepare for a variety of encounters in both the business and social environments. Whether you are aware of it or not, first impression does make a major difference in achieving business objectives. Business experts have preached the value of knowing proper business etiquette, including practicing good manners, for close to fifty years. In the United States, we live in a business casual world but many people forget the first word is still "business." As such, we have to mind our manners. Having good manners will help you regardless of the business you are in. Any time you make contact with a client or perspective client, you are making a mini-presentation of yourself, ultimately representing your company, service and/or products. I keep hearing more and more from top executives that people skills are very important, in many cases even more important than technical skills. But how can you mind your manners, if you do not know the rules. It is never too late to take the initiative to begin your own professional development. Here are some pointers to keep your manners sharp. Address individuals by their honorific or title: There is so much informality in the workplace today that in many offices business is lost, and goodwill destroyed, because of total disregard for properly addressing clients. The proper way to address a client is to

Work Etiquette

f33

greet them using their honorific or title followed by their last name. It is up to the client to ask you to call them by their first name. In business, the proper way to refer to a woman is "Ms.," regardless of their marital status. This is more than a passing fad; it was established in the seventeenth century as an abbreviation for "Mistress." Enunciate your greeting: It's sad but true we've become a nation of name-tumblers when we introduce ourselves or other people; this is major problem especially on the telephone. We need to slow down and pronounce our names slowly, clearly and distinctly. At first it may feel as if you are exaggerating your name, but you are really helping the other person and improving overall communication. Refer to individuals frequently by their names: Take the time and make the effort to pay attention to the name of the person you are being introduced to. A person's name means everything to them. To build rapport with a client, mention their name at least three times during the conversation. It will help you remember their name and make a connection - they will remember you. A person's name is the sweetest music to their ears. Make contact: There are few physical contacts that are appropriate in business; the most important and acceptable is your handshake. Your handshake is a non-verbal clue that indicates to the other person whether or not you are a take charge person. For example, a firm and strong handshake suggests that you are decisive, in control. Now think of the impression you had after shaking hands with someone that presented a weak, slippery or lifeless handshake. What did that make you think of them? The rules for shaking hands are: extend your hand with the thumb up, clasp the other person's entire palm, give two or three pumps from the elbow, avoiding both the painful "bone crusher" and the off-putting "wet fish" shake, and look at the person directly in the eyes with a smile. Smile: This seems very simple, but it's amazing how people's moods and words are misjudged because their

:34nL________________________________vv,_o_r_k_E_t~iq_u_et_te_ expressions are often overly-serious. A smile shows that you like yourself; you like your current place in the world and you're happy with the people you're interacting with. No one will say you're crabby if you're smiling. A smile says, I'm approachable and confident. Make eye contact: Every time a person begins talking to you, look them in the eye and smile first, then get on with the conversation. Also, when you enter a room for a meeting, smile and look around at everyone. If you want to start talking to one person - or even a group - come up to them and smile. Again, this is another way to say, I'm approachable. Introduce people with confidence: Most people hate making introductions, because they do not know how to properly make them. Introducing people with confidence is a great way to impress your customers. In business, introductions are determined by precedence. The person who holds the position of highest authority in an organization takes precedence over ·others who work there. For example, you introduce your company's president to a colleague. The basic rule is: the name of the person of greater authority is always spoken first. The name of the person of lesser authority is always spoken last. For example, "Mr./ Ms. Greater Authority, I would like to introduce \1r./Ms. Lesser Authority." .A second example, would be: the name of the Senior Executive is always spoken first. The name of the Junior Executive is always spoken last. "Mr. Senior Executive, I would like to introduce Mr. Junior Executive, from the accounting department. Mr. Senior Executive is our Director of Public Relations." Learning the rules of business etiquette is not hard to do, it is not costly, and it is the best professional development tool any business person can use to increase their chances of success. People truly desire to do business with those that make them comfortable and know how to best handle themselves in a variety of situations. Practicing good business etiquette is well worth the investment and pays back in spades.

Chapter 3

Interview Etiquette Interviews are often stressful- even for job seekers who have interviewed many times. Interviewing can be even more stressful when you are expected to eat and talk at the same time. One of the reasons employers take job candidates out to lunch or dinner is to evaluate their social skills and to see if they can handle themselves gracefully under pressure. Dining with a prospective employee allows employers to review your communication and interpersonal skills, as well as your table manners, in a more relaxed (for them) environment. Table manners do matter. Good manners may give you the edge over another candida i.e, so, take some time to brush up your dining etiquette skills.

Interview Dining Tips: •

• •

Are you really nervous? Check out the restaurant ahead of time. That way you'll know exactly what's on the menu, what you might want to order and where the rest rooms are located. Be polite. Remember to say "please" and "thank you" to your server as well as to your host. Is the table full of utensils? My British grandmother taught me an easy way to remember what to use when. Start at the outside and work your way in. Your salad fork will be on the far left, your entree fork will be next to it. Your dessert spoon and fork will be above your plate.

~L____________________________~I~n~te~ro~I~'~~v~E~t~iq~u~et~te~

•

Liquids are on the right, solids on the left. For example, your water glass will be on the right and your bread plate will be on the left. • Put your napkin on your lap once everyone is seated. • Remember what your mother spent years telling you - keep your elbows off the table, sit up straight, and don't talk with your mouth full! During the Meal: • Don't order messy food - pasta with lots of sauce, chicken with bones, ribs, big sandwiches, and whole lobsters are all dangerous. • Don't order the most expensive entree on the menu. • Do order food that is easy to cut into bite-size pieces. • The polite way to eat soup is to spoon it away from you. There's less chance of spilling in your lap that way too! • Break your dinner roll into small pieces and eat it a piece at a time. • If you need to leave the table, put your napkin on the seat or the arm of your chair. • When you've finished eating, move your knife arid fork to the four o'clock" position so the server knows you're done. • Remember to try and relax, listen, and participate in the conversation. To Drink or Not to Drink: • It's wise not to drink alcohol during an interview. Interviewing is tough enough without adding , alcohol to the mix. After the Meal: • Put your napkin on the table next to your plate. • Let the prospective employer pick up the tab. The person who invited you will expect to pay both the bill and the tip. II

Interview Etiquette

J37

•

Remember to say "thank you." Consider also following-up with a thank you note which reiterates your interest in the job. What is a behavioral interview? Behavioral based interviewing is interviewing based on discovering how the interviewee acted in specific employment-related situations. The logic is that how you behaved in the past will predict how you will behave in the future i.e. past performance predicts future performance. TRADITIONAL INTERVIEW VS. BEHAVIORAL INTERVIEW

In a traditional interview, you will be asked a series of questions which typically have straight forward answers like "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" or "What major challenges and problems did you face? How did you handle them?" or "Describe a typical work week." In a behavioral interview, an employer has decided what skills are needed in the person they hire and will ask questions to find out if the candidate has those skills. Instead of asking how you would behave, they will ask how you did behave. The interviewer will want to know how you handled a situation, instead of what you might do in the future. QUESTIONS IN A BEHAVIORAL INTERVIEW

Behavioral interview questions will be more pointed, more probing and more specific than traditional interview questions: • Give an example of an occasion when you used logic to solve a problem. • Give an example of a goal you reached an<;l tell me how you achieved it. • Describe a decision you made that was unpopular and how you handled implementing it. • Have you gone above and beyond the call of duty? If so, how?

381

Interview Etiquette

•

What do you do when your schedule is interrupted? Give an example of how you handle it. • Have you had to convince a team to work on a project they weren't thrilled about? How did you do it? • Have you handled a difficult situation with a coworker? How? • Tell me about how you worked effectively under pressure. Follow-up questions will also be detailed. You may be asked what you did, what you said, how you reacted or how you felt. PREPARATION FOR THE POTENTIAL BEHAVIORAL INTERVIEW

What's the best way to prepare? It's important to remember that you won't know what type of interview will take place until you are sitting in the interview room. So, prepare answers to traditional interview questions. Then, since you don't know exactly what situations you will be asked about if it's a behavioral interview, refresh your memory and consider some special situations you have dealt with or projects you have worked on. You may be able to use them to help frame responses. Prepare stories that illustrate times when you have successfully solved problems or performed rrtcmo,rably. The stories will be useful to help you respond meaningfully in a behavioral interview. Finally, review the job description, if you have it, or the job posting or ad. You may be able to get a sense of what skills and behavioral characteristics the employer is seeking from reading the job description and position requirements. Take a look at what employers are advised about developing the job posting for a behavioral interview on the About Human Resources site. DURING THE BEHAVIORAL INTERVIEW

During the interview, if you are not sure how to answer

Interview Etiquette ~

the question, ask for clarification. Then be sure to include these points in your answer: • A specific situation • The tasks that needed to be done • The action you took • The results i.e. what happened It's important to keep in mind that there is no right or wrong answers. The interviewer is simply trying to understand how you behaved in a given situation. How you respond will determine if there is a fit between your skills and the position the company is seeking to fill. So, listen carefully, be clear and detailed when you respond and, most importantly, be honest. If your answers aren't what the interviewer is looking for, this position may not be the best job for you anyway. Behavioral interviews are the best tool you have to identify candidates who have the behavioral traits and characteristics that you have selected as necessary for success in a particular job. Additionally, behavioral interviews ask the candidate to pinpoint specific instances in which a particular behaviour was exhibited in the past. In the best behaviorally-based interviews, the candidate is unaware of the behaviour the interviewer is verifying. As you read my tips in How to Conduct an Effective Behavioral Interview below, please note that the actual behavioral interview is preceded by behavioral trait identification and a job description. The upfront work makes the behavioral interview effective and successful. How to Conduct an Effective Behavioral Interview: • Start by\identifying what you want the employee to do in the open job. Use job evaluation and write a job description to describe the requirements of the position. • Determine the required outputs and performance success factors for the job. • Determine the characteristics and traits of the individual whom you believe will succeed in that

401

Interview Etiquette

job. If you have employees successfully performing the job currently, list the traits, characteristics, and skills they bring to the job. • Narrow the list to your key behavioral traits for the job. • Write a job ad or job posting that employs the behavioral characteristics in the text. Make sure the characteristics or requirements section of your job description lists the same behavioral characteristics. • Make a list of questions, both behavioral and traditional, to ask each candidate during the behavioral interview. A structured list makes candidate selection more defensible and allows you to make comparisons between the various answers and approaches of your interviewees. • Review the resumes and cover letters you receive with the behavioral traits and characteristics in mind. • Phone screen the candidates who have caught your attention with their qualifications, if necessary, to further narrow the candidate pool. • Schedule interviews with the candidates who most appear to have the behavioral characteristics, along with the skills, experience, education, and the other factors you would normally screen for in your resume review. • Ask your list of behavioral and traditional questions of each candidate you interview. • N arrow your candidate choices based on their responses to the behavioral and traditional interview questions. Complete the selection process using these recommended steps. • Select your candidate with behavioral characteristics that match the needs of the job in mind. In one company, a list of behavioral characteristics was

Interview Etiquette ~

prepared for the position: sales representative. Behavioral characteristics included: • Adaptable • Articulate • Accountable • Perseverance • Listener • High energy • Confident • High integrity • Self-directed • Focused • Effective networker • Money hungry • Enthusiastic The company prepared a job description that reflected these behavioral characteristics. Then, the company posted the job in a variety of online and offline locations. BEHAVIORAL JOB POSTING FOR SALES REPRESENTATIVE

Part of the posting stated: • "Successful track record in selling and customer account management for small, medium and large customer accounts; high, demonstrated energy levels, extremely motivated to succeed; accountable for results;
~~____________________________~I~l1~te~rv~i~~~v~E~tl~q~ue~t~te

confidence and high self esteem in tasks such as cold calling and prospecting; • "able to effectively work independently or in a team environment; able to maintain company and customer confidentiality; practices corporate and personal integrity on the highest level. Salary and commissions commensurate with contribution." Resumes and ,:over letters were screened for the stated behavioral and traditional characteristics and traits listed. Interviews were set with the most likely candidates. BEHAVIORAL INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

lhese are examples of behavioral interview questions that were asked of the candidates. Keep in mind that the employ-er is seeking evidence of the behavioral traits established at the beginning of the hiring process. The applicant mayor may not have figured out the b~havioral characteristics the employer is seeking. If the candidate read the job posting carefully and prepared for the interview; a savvy candidate will have a good idea about what behavioral traits the employer is seeking. • Tell me about a time when you obtained a new customer through networking activities. • Give me an example of a time when you obtained a customer through cold calling and prospecting. How did you approach the customer? • What are your three most important work rela~ed values? Then, please provide an example of a situation in which you demonstrated each value at work. • Think of a customer relationship you have maintained for multiple years. Please tell me how you have approached maintaining that relationship. • Your manufacturing facility shipped the wrong order to one of your important customers.

Interview Etiquette

J43

Describe how you solved this problem both internally and externally. • The quantity of parts and the part numbers of items available for sale change daily. Talk to me about how you have handled similar situations in the past. • If you are hired as our sales representative, you may see the need to change the organization of the department. How have you approached such situations in the past? • Give me an example of a time when your integrity was tested and prevailed in a selling situation. With answers to behavioral questions such as these, you have comparisons you can make between candidates and their approaches to selling. You have a good idea about how the candidate has approached selling situations similar to yours in the past. The values and behavioral characteristics and traits you have identified and sought out give you a much better idea whether the selected candidate is a good fit for your position. Use behavioral interviewing to select the sales representative most likely to succeed. Interviews are often stressful- even for job seekers who have interviewed many times. Interviewing can be even more stressful when you are expected to eat and talk at the same time. One of the reasons employers take job candidates out to lunch or dinner is to evaluate your social skills and to see if you can handle yourself gracefully under pressure. Here's how to make sure your interview etiquette is up to par. Do you wish you had a job that you really loved? If your job isn't quite the job of your dreams, taking a career personality test or two can give you some insight into the type of the job that matches your personality type and the type of position you might have an aptitude for. The Labour Department predicts 2.5 million new skilled trade workers will be needed over the next 8 years. If you're not interested in working in the corporate world, a blue

~~____________________________~I~n~te~r~VI~'a~v~E~t~iq~ll~et~te~

collar job, might just be for you! There are lots of opportunities, the pay can be much more than you expected and the demand for skilled workers is on the rise. If you have ever wondered whether first impressions really do make a difference in hiring, you can b~ assured that they do. In fact, the decision might be mad~ in a "blink" of an eye rather than in the few minutes you might have thought you had. It's important to know Why "Blink" Matters and why it's worth taking a second look at first impressions. If you're about to begin a job search expect to have your references checked. The days when e*,ployers ignored, or did not think references were important, are long gone. The best thing to do is plan ahead, don't ~ait to put together a list of references at the last moment when you think a prospective employer might ask for them. It's not to early to start looking for a summer job. Employers are already starting to get their summer workforce in place. Before you start your summer job search, review these time-saving tips that will help you find a summer job fast. If anyone tells you job searching is easy, tell them that they're wrong! It's hard work, but, effort and persistence can payoff and help you get the job of your dreams. One of our Forum Members, for example, sent out 300 custom cover letters and resumes before getting calls for interviews. Those calls, and that hard work, however, resulted in a dream job offer. Even though job search networking is one of the most successful ways to find a new job, it can sound intimidating. It doesn't have to be. In addition to more formal career networking options, you can network informally and network online. In fact, you should always be using your career network. You never know when you might need it. A cover letter should explain the reasons for your interest in the organization and in the job you are applying for. A well-written cover letter will identify your most relevant skills and/or experiences. Review these sample cover letters to see what effective

Interview Etiquette

~

cover letters should look like. When applying for a job a cover letter should be sent or posted with your resume. If you are not sure what to write, review these cover letter samples. Your cover letter should be specific to the position you are applying for, relating your skills and experience to those noted in the job posting. Your cover letter is your first (and best) chance to make a good impression! An effective cover letter should explain the reasons for your interest in the organization and in the job you are applying for. Take the time to review cover letter examples, then make sure that your letter explains how your skills relate to the criteria listed in the job posting. Are you stuck in a rut? Do you need help with your job search? There may be a wealth of local and Internet job search resources that you haven't yet tapped. Here's how job seekers can identify free, or inexpensive, job search help in their geographic areas. As a professional career counselor employed by a college, I will often receive requests for assistance from "non-affiliates" (individuals not affiliated with my institution). Due to the ratio of staff to client-base, our policy is to limit services to only our own students and alumni. Over the course of many years, my colleagues and I have often helped non-affiliates to realise that there may be a wealth of other local and Internet resources that they've not yet tapped, including career counselors in private practice. This brief chapter is meant to help college graduates and other job seekers identify free, or inexpensive, resources in their geographic areas. CONTACT CAREER SERVICES If you are a college graduate, be sure to contact the career services office at your own alma mater(s). Many institutions, like mine, offer lifetime career development services for alumni. Others offer limited services; still others offer services at E''(tremely reasonable rates. And much of what is offered may be available long-distance. One of the

~~____________________________~I~n~te~r~Vl~'~~v~E~t~~~u~et~te

most important services to request will be access to your alma mater's version of our Career Advisor Network (alumni who have volunteere4 to speak with you, respond to your career-related questions, and advise you on your job search). You may be able to request telephone appointments with the career development professionals at your alma mater(s) for services such as resume reviews and advising sessions on job search strategies or interviewing techniques. You'll also want to get any required passwords for access to your alma mater's online job listing databases. And it never hurts to ask if your alma mater(s) have existing reciprocity agreements with institutions in your geographic area (allowing you to access the services of the local college's career services office). But be prepared to hear that your access will be limited to non-password-protected job listings (no counselor contact). FIND JOB SEARCH HELP

Here are some other ideas that are helpful to all job seekers, whether they've graduated from college or not. Check with your local public library to see what they have in their career research and job search collections. Ask if they offer job search workshops or run a job search club. Look for regional/local branches of professional associations for the field(s) of interest to you to tap their networking potential. Tap resources and services available through your state's Department of Labour. You'll find both online resources as well as in-person options. For more indepth information on this idea, Departments of Labour: Job Referrals, Training and Other Employment Services. LOCATE A CAREER COUNSELOR

Finally, if you want actual career counseling (rather than just job search advice and resources) and live at too great a distance to make the often-mandatory in-person sessions with career counselors from your alma mater(s)

Interview Etiquette

\47

feasil1le, you may want to engage the services of a private career counselor in your local area. Before doing so, be sure to consult the National Career Development Association's (NCDA) Consumer Guideline for Selecting a Career Counselor. It provides an excellent overview of the roles of a career counselor, training and credentials information, what you should expect and demand as a client, ethical practices, and more. Interviews are often stressful- even for job seekers who have interviewed many times. Interviewing can be even more stressful when you are expected to eat and talk at the same time. One of the reasons employers take job candidates ou t to lunch or dinner is to evaluate their social skills and to see if they can handle themselves gracefully under pressure. Dining with a prospective employee allows employers to review your communication and interpersonal skills, as well as your table manners, in a more relaxed (for them) environment. Table manners do matter. Good manners may give you the edge over another candidate, so, take some time to brush up your dining etiquette skills. Interview Dining Tips: • Are you really nervous? Check out the restaurant ahead of time. That way you'll know exactly what's on the menu, what you might want to order and where the rest rooms are located. • Be polite. Remember to say "please" and "thank you" to your server as well as to your host. • Is the table full of utensils? My British grandmother taught me an easy way to remember what to use when. Start at the outside and work your way in. Your salad fork will be on the far left, your entree fork will be next to it. Your dessert spoon and fork will be above your plate. • Liquids are on the right, solids on the left. For example, your water glass will be on the right and your bread plate will be on the left.

481

Interview Etiquette

•

Put your napkin on your lap once everyone is seated. • Remember what your mother spent years telling you - keep your elbows off the table, sit up straight, and don't talk with your mouth full! During the Meal: • Don't order messy food - pasta with lots of sauce, chicken with bones, ribs, big sandwiches, and whole lobsters are all dangerous. • Don't order the most expensive entree on the menu. • Do order food that is easy to cut into bite-size pieces. • The polite way to eat soup is to spoon it away from you. There's less chance of spilling in your lap that way too! • Break your dinner roll into small pieces and eat it a piece at a time. • If you need to leave the table, put your napkin on the seat or the arm of your chair. • When you've finished eating, move your knife and fork to the "four o'clock" position so the server knows you're done. • Remember to try and relax, listen, and participate in the conversation. To Drink or Not to Drink: • It's wise not to drink alcohol during an interview. Interviewing is tough enough without adding alcohol to the mix.

After the Meal: • •

•

Put your napkin on the table next to your plate. Let the prospective employer pick up the tab. The person who invited you will expect to pay both the bill and the tip. Remember to say "thank you." Consider also following-up with a thank you note which reiterates your interest in the job.

Chapter 4

Table Manners Table manners refer to the etiquette used while eating, which may also include the appropriate use of utensils. Different cultures observe different rules for table manners. Many table manners evolved out of practicality. For example, it is generally impolite to put elbows on tables, since doing so creates a risk of tipping over bowls and cups. Each family or group sets its own standards for how strictly these rules are to be enforced. FORK ETIQUETTE

Fork etiquette in Western social settings takes two primary·forms. The style used mostly in the United States of America, which is sometimes called the zigzag meth'Jd or American style, differs from the European or Continental style mostly used in the rest of the western world including Europe and British Commonwealth countries. AMERICAN STYL E

The knife is held in the right hand and the fork in the left. Holding food to the plate with the fork tines-down, a single bite-sized piece is cut with the knife. The knife is then placed on the right edge of the plate (with the blade facing inward) and the fork transferred to the right hand, with the left hand falling to the lap. The cut piece is then speared (if not already during the cut) or scooped and eaten using the fork in a tines-up orientation. The fork is held in the right

~~________________________________~_a_b_Ie_N1 __ al_11_1e__ ~

hand or put down on the plate while chewing. The fork is then transferred back into the left hand, the right hand picks up the knife, and the process is repeated as necessary. A left-handed consumer can retain the fork in the stronger hand, although the knife is still released. Variations While cutting, the fork is usually held upside down with the handle along the palm and the index finger pressing down at the neck of the handle. Because most forks have a curve this will point the tines downward into the food. If the food is very soft or flaky (for example, fish), some choose to disregard the knife entirely, using a fork in their right hand and cutting their food by pressing down with the edge or with the tines of their fork. Sawing at the food in this way is considered bad form. Alternatively, a fish knife can be used, held much like a pen or a scalpel. Such knives are rarely seen in the U.s., but they are used more often in Europe. The fork can be held with the index finger touching the back of the fork th'roughout the motion of picking up and putting in the mouth. EUROPEAN (CONTINENTAL) STYLE

The European manner is to hold the fork and knife, in the left and right hands respectively, throughout consumption. The hand grasp is also different: in Europe it is considered better manners not to hold a knife or fork as one would hold a pen, but instead to have the handle running along the palm and extending out to be held by thumb and forefinger. This style is sometimes called 'hidden handle'. This method is also common in Canada and other former parts of the British Empire. In contrast to the American method of using a fork much like a spoon (tines up), the British primarily use the fork with tines facing away from the user (tines down). The cause of the difference in custom is uncertain. It is believed to have originated because the 17th century

Table Manners. ~

American colonists had established themselves before the fork, and any custom of its use, had become widespread in Europe. The implement did not become widespread in Europe (certainly northern Europe) until the 18th century, and was not adopted in the United States until the 19th century. The American use of blunt-ended knives was also a factor. . PLACEMENT OF FORKS Tables are often set with two or more forks, meant to be used for different courses; for example, a salad fork and meat fork. Some institutions wishing to give an impression of high formality set places with many dIfferent forks for meals of several courses, although many etiquette authorities regard this as vulgar and prefer that the appropriate cutlery be brought in with each course. It should not be necessary for the diner to distinguish between types of forks; forks are used in order from outside to inside, with the exception of oyster forks, which are placed on the right-hand side in the bowl of a spoon. Africa

Tanzanian table manners: • It is rude to show up early at dinner. try to be 1530minutes later than expected. • It is considered pretentious to use forks or knives to Chapati or Ugali. • If eating on a mat or carpet, do not expose the soles of your foot, it is considered very rude. • Topics like sex, religion or politics should be avoided in conversation: Tanzanian meals are meant to be enjoyed not a venue for debate. • The eldest male person is served first; the host is the last to start eating. In weddings and other larger events, children are served first. • Children may eat with the adults if instructed to do so.

)

~L-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _T_a_b_le_M __ al_n~le__ ~

• •

• •

• • •

•

Many Tanzanian table manners are similar to British table manners. Avoid questioning older people. There is a rank by age, and it is seen as rude to question elders on personal issues. It is considered rude to talk or laugh with food in your mouth. It is very impolite to bend over and smell or try to smell the food on your plate. Let the host know how good the meal is but don't exaggerate: it might be taken the wrong way. A void touching your face, nose, ears and hair while eating. It is rude to drink beer straight from the bottle, you are expected to pour it into a glass. In some regions like Zanzibar, some dinner tables are gender-segregated. Ustaarab or etiquette is still expected.

Afghan Table Manners

The breaking of bread, a common mealtime food: • Guests are always seated farthest from the door; when there are no guests the grandparents are seated farthest away from the door. • Depending on the customs of the household, a prayer may be offered before and/or after the· meal. • Guests are offered food first and expected to eat the most, while the hosts eat last and the least. • Guests should refrain from eating too much, unless the hosts coaxes them to eat more. The host should always ask at least three times if the guest wants more food, and the guest should refuse at . least three times. In certain situations the host can put food on the guest's plate by force. • Guests are always given the best portions of the food.

Table Manners ~

•

• • •

•

•

•

•

Traditionally food should be eaten with bare hands. However, cutlery is sometimes provided. Only the right hand should be used when eating with your hands. There are proper ways of picking up rice and other loose food without spilling any, which one should learn and practice. Wasting food is frowned upon. When cutlery is provided it is usually a spoon and fork, since there is seldom need for the use of a knife when eating Afghani food. Even when cutlery is provided it is acceptable to eat with your hands as well. Soup is eaten by soaking it with bread. Food remnants should be collected with slices of bread. Sometimes it is common to eat collectively from one plate. One should always eat from one's own side. If bread is dropped on the floor while eating at a table, the bread should be picked up, kissed, and put to one's forehead before putting the bread back somewhere other than the floor. If eating on the floor, make sure that your feet do not touch the food. Compliments to the chef are customary; however, compliments should be acknowledged with extreme modesty. Traditionally, service during dinner is performed by the oldest. First, water is brought in a jug with a saucer to wash the hands. The food is then served. This may be followed by fruit and then tea. Tea is served after dinner, with dried fruits, sweets, and sugar cubes: When tea is served, the cup of a guest must never be empty, and snacks must be offered. Once the guest has finished drinking tea, the guest can flip their tea cup over to signal that they are done.

~54

~~L---

• • • •

•

•

____________________ Table Mallners

~~==~-

Eating or talking with one's mouth full is frowned upon. Even if one is starving, one should refrain from being over zealous at the table. Passing gas (flatulence) is not tolerated. One must never sit with one's back to anyone, especially an elder or a guest. One must never sit with feet stretched out toward anyone, especially an elder or a guest. One must always be polite and gracious to the host. Remember if the host is poor and had only one chicken which the family used for eggs that chicken would be sacrificed for the guest. After eating, the jug of water is brought out again to wash hands. A towel may be provided.

Chinese Table Manners

Many of these rules concern the use of chopsticks. Generally, Chinese table manners are more informal than the West, although there are more rules concerning interactions with other guests due to high levels of social interaction as a result of the communal style of serving. Chopstick usage: • Chopsticks should always be held correctly, i.e. between the thumb and first two fingers of the right hand. • When not in use, chopsticks must always be placed neatly on the table with two sticks lying tidily next to each other at both ends. Failure to do so is symbolic of the way a dead is placed in a coffin before the funeral and is a major faux pas. • Chopsticks are traditionally held in the right hand only, even for the left-handed. Although chopsticks, p1ay now be found in either hand, a few still consider left-handed chopstick use improper etiquette. One explanation for the treatment of such usage as improper is that within

Table Manners

IsS

the confines of a round table this may be inconvenient. • Never point the chopsticks at another person. This amounts to insulting that person and is a major faux pas. • Never wave your chopsticks around as if they were an extension of your hand gestures. • Never bang chopsticks like drumsticks. This is akin to telling others on the table you are a beggar. • Never use chopsticks to move bowls or plates. • Never suck the chopsticks. • Decide what to pick up before reaching with chopsticks, instead of hovering them over or rummaging through dishes. • To keep chopsticks off the table, they can be rested horizontally on one's plate or bowl; a chopstick rest (commonly found in restaurants) can also be used. • When picking up a piece of food, never use the tips of your chopsticks to poke through the food as with a fork; exceptions include tearing apart larger items such as vegetables. In more informal settings, smaller items or those more difficult to pick up such as cherry tomatoes or fishballs may be stabbed, but this is frowned upon by traditionalists. • Never stab chopsticks vertically into a bowl of rice, as this resembles incense sticks used at temples to pay respects to the deceased. This is considered the ultimate dinner table faux pas. Communal chopsticks: • When there are communal chopsticks, it is considered impolite to use your own chopsticks to pick up the food from the shared plate, or to eat using the communal chopsticks. • It is considered impolite to use the blunt end of one's own chopsticks to transfer food from a

~~________________________________T_a_b_le_M __an_n_e_~_

common dish to one's own plate or bowl; use the communal chopsticks instead. • An exception to the above can usually be made in intimate settings such as at home. Other eating utensils: • If noodle soup is served, many consider a more elegant way to eat by picking the noodle into a serving spoon first, and eating from the spoon, rather than slurping directly from the bowl into the mouth using chopsticks. • Chinese traditionally eat rice from a small bowl held in the left hand. The rice bowl is raised to the mouth and the rice pushed into the mouth using the chopsticks. Some Chinese find it offensive to scoop rice from the bowl using a spoon. If rice is served on a plate, as is more common in the West, it is acceptable and more practical to eat it with a fork or spoon. The thumb must always be above the edge of the bowl. Eating from common dishes: • Pick the food on the dish that is at the top and nearest to you in distance. Never rummage through the dish or pick from the far side for your favourite food. • In general, more conservative Chinese frown upon the practice of picking more than one or two bites of food in your bowl or serving plate as if you were eating in the Western way. Most Chinese would understand the practice during infectious disease epidemics, or if the person is from the West. • If both a serving bowl- separate from rice bowl and plate are provided, never put any food items to be eaten onto the serving plate. This rule may be relaxed for foreigners. • If a dish is soupy, pull the serving bowl near the serving dish and reduce the distance the chops-

Table Manners

Is7

ticks need carrying the food. Spilling plenty of sauce on the table is a major faux pas. • After you have picked up a food item, do not put it back in the dish. Seniority and guests at the table: • The elderly or guest(s) of honour are usually the first to start the meal. • The youngest or least senior may serve the eldest or most senior first, as part of the Confucian value of respecting seniors. • The youngest on the table addresses all of the elder members at the table before starting, perhaps telling them to please "eat rice" as a signal to help themselves. • The best food in a dish should be left to the elderly, children, or the guest of honour, even if they are one's favourite. • The eldest person present, or the guest of honour, is given a seat facing the door. • When the hostess says her food is not good enough, the guest must disagree and tell her it is one of the finest foods they have ever tasted. Drinks: • The host should always make sure everyone's cups are not empty for long. One should not pour for oneself, but if thirsty should first offer to pour for a neighbour. When your drink is being poured, you should say "thank you", and/or tap your index and middle finger on the table to show appreciation, especially when you are in Southern China, e.g. Guangdong Province. • When people wish to clink drinks together in the form of a cheer, it is important to observe that younger members should clink the rim of their glass below the rim of an elder's to show respect. • Strong alcohol, called baijiu [pronounced "by joe"], is often served throughout the meal; and it is

!fsl~

______________________________~~_a~bl~e~Nf~a~n~n~er~s

customary for the host[s]/hostess[es] to insist that guests drink to "show friendship." If the guests prefers not to drink, they may say, "I'm unable to drink, but thank you." [in Mandarine: "Wo bu neng he jiu, xie xie." {whoa boo nung huh joe}] The host may continue to insist that the guests drink, and the guests may likewise continue to insist upon being "unable" to drink. The host's insistance is to show generosity. Therefore, refusal by the guests should be made with utmost politeness. Beware: If ..1 guest drinks alcohol with a subordinate at the table, the guest will be expected [if not forced] to drink a glass of the same alcohol with each superior at that table, and possibly at other tables too - if the guest has not passed out yet. Smoking: • Smoking is customary when dining, and the host will often pass out cigarettes to all [men] around the table. If the guest prefers not to smoke, she/ he should just politely refuse. Business meals: • During business meals, it is best not to eat to the point of satiation, as business and not food is the actual main purpose of the gathering. Miscellaneous: • Some people sit at least 1 metre (3 chi) from the dining table so they will not be literally rubbing elbow with other guests. • When eating food that contains bones, it is customary that the bones be spat out onto the table to the right of the dining plate in a neat pile. Indian table manners: • Food is generally expected to be eaten with the right hand. It is fine to use left hand to pass the dishes. • It is acceptable, and many times, even expected,

Table Manners ~

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

not to use cutlery for eating, as many foods - such as Indian breads and curry - are commonly eaten in this manner. Wash hands thoroughly before sitting at the table as some Indian foods are primarily eaten by hand. Also, wash hands after eating the food. Usually, a finger bowl (with luke warm water and lemon) is served to each person for rinsing fingers. In North India, when eating curry, the sauce must not be allowed to stain the fingers - only the fingertips are used. However, in South India, it is acceptable to use more of your hand. When flat breads such as chapati, roti, or naan are served with the meal, it is acceptable and expected to use pieces of them to gather food and sop-up sauces and curries. It is considered inappropriate to use your fingers to share food from someone else's plate once you have started using your own. Instead, ask for a clean spoon to transfer the food from the common dish to your plate. I t is not necessary to taste each and every dish prepared, but you must finish everything on your plate as it is considered respectful. For that reason, put only as much food on your plate as you can eat. As most of the Indian delicacies are eaten with hands it is necessary to make sure while drinking, the glass should not become messy. Do not leave the table until others have finished or the host requests you. If you must, ask permission from the host before leaving. South Indian meals are served on a banana leaf that has been cleaned with warm water. Vegetables are placed on the top half of the leaf, and rice, sweets, and snacks on the other half. The banana leaf should not be left open after

(ffilL ______________________________~~~a~b=le~Nf=a=n~n=e~~ finishing the meaL' It should be folded in such a way that the top half closes over the bottom half. If the bottom half is folded over the top, it is usually considered disrespectful, as this is done only in solemn situations one hopes will not occur again, such as a death. As in many cultures, eating and drinking are important and widely respected parts of Indian culture, local customs, traditions, and religions. Proper table manners vary from culture to culture, although there are always a few basic rules that are important to follow. Etiquette should be observed when dining in any Indian household or restaurant, though the acceptable standards depend upon the situation. CUTLERY

Though Indian cooking uses an extensive array of specialized utensils for various purposes, Indians traditionally do not use cutlery for eating, as many foods such as Indian breads and curry - are best enjoyed when eating with the hand. There is a story that the Shah of Iran, on a visit to India, was so impressed by the custom that he remarked that to eat with a spoon and fork is like making love through an interpreter. Indians usually give the following explanation for the practice of eating with hands: "Food is divine and needs to be enjoyed with touch, smell and taste. There is no joy in using a knife and fork to eat it." Eating with one's hands is a technique that can be quite clean when done correctly, but may require a degree of practice. First, the hands must be thoroughly washed, with particular attention paid to the fingernails. Having long fingernails in India is considered unhygienic (with the exception of sadhus and other ascetics). Using the fingers, the food should be scooped onto the flatbread (naan, roti, etc.) and quickly brought to the mouth. In North India, when eating curry, the gravy must not be allowed to stain your fingers-only the fingertips are used.

Table Manners

161

In South India, it is considered ill mannered to let your food stain the out side of your fingers or palm while eating and food is to be eaten only with the tip of the fingers, though popular belief is to think it is okay use more of your hand. In South India, the plate is not to be touched or held by the left hand while eating. When flatbreads such as chapati, roti, or naan are served with the meal, it is acceptable to use pieces of them to gather food and sop up gravies and curries. Not all Indian foods should be eaten with the hands, however. If the food is "wet" or "watery," like many daals and soups, spoons should be used. Additionally, foods such as rice are traditionally eaten with spoons in both North and South India, though this can vary depending upon the region. Additionally, spoons (usually two used in a clasping motion) and forks are commonly used to distribute foods from a communal dish, as it is considered rude to touch the foods of others. Traditional Indian cutlery does not recognize the use of forks and knives while eating, limiting their use to the kitchen only. Spoons were made of wood in ancient times, evolving into metallic spoons during the advent of the use of the thali, the traditional dish on which Indian food is served. Ushte

The concept of 'jutha' (in North India), 'ushtha' (in Western India), 'etho' (in Bengal), 'aitha' (in Orissa), 'echal' (in Tamil Nadu), 'enjulu' (in Karnataka), or 'engili' (in Andhra Pradesh) is a common belief in India. 'Jutha' is, essentially, something that has come in contact with your mouth, your saliva or your plate while eating - something that directly or indirectly came in contact with your saliva. It is considered extremely rude and unhygienic to offer someone your 'jutha' and it can only be offered to livestock or within the immediate family only. Right Hand

The cardinal rule of dining is to always use the right

~~________________________________~_a_b_Ie_A1 __nn~l~le~~~

hand when eating or receiving food and never the left. The left hand is considered unclean. However, it is advisable to use the left hand if there is any cutlery for taking food from the dish onto your plate. In rare instances, the use of the left hand is acceptable only when eating onions and some other accompaniments. Moreover, in some communities, it is now acceptable for left-handed individuals to eat with their left hands. Beef and Pork As Hindus consider the cattle to be a sacred animal, beef is considered taboo. Muslims consider the pig unclean and do not eat pork, which is not generally used in Hindu cooking. Therefore, restaurants in more conservative Indian states, do not include beef or pork dishes in ~heir menu. On the other hand, beef is commonly available in the NorthEastern states and Kerala and in Goa, while pork is consumed in Goa, Karnataka and Kerala. Adapted Cutlery use in North India Amongst upper class north Indians, cutlery, which has been adopted since Roman influence in the 16th century is now in common use amongst the upper classes; the Roman's exports of Pepper lead to the introduction of cutlery in Asia. Amongst the upper class communities of Punjab, Delhi, Rajhistan, Mumbai, Lucknow, and Himachal spoons and forks have been adopted. Whilst it is considered uncouth to not use cutlery when eating a meai'accompanied by rice, it is actually considered obscene to use cutlery when eating with any form of roti (Indian bread). Other Rules In formal settings, it is expected that everyone will wait for the host or the eldest person - the elder taking priority over the host -to begin eating before everyone else starts. Everyone must wash their hands before sitting at the table as some Indian foods are eaten by hand. One must wash

Table Manners

163

one's hands after eating the food. It is not necessary to taste each and every dish prepared; but you must finish everything on the plate as it is considered a respect for served food. For that reason, take only as much food on the plate you can finish. Japanese table manners: • Never place chopsticks stuck vertically into a bowl of food, as this is the traditional presentation form for an offering to one's ancestors. • One should wait for the hostess to tell you to eat three times before eating. • Accepted practice in helping oneself to a communal dish such as a salad, is to reverse the chopsticks. However this is regarded in an all male, or casual situation, as too formal and additionally, a female habit. • Women should cup their other hand beneath their serving when using chopsticks when conveying food from dish/bowl to mouth. Men should not do this. • In communal dining or drinking, the youngest person present should pour alcohol for the other members of the party, serving the most senior person first. The server should not pour their own drink, rather they should place the bottle of sake, beer, wine or spirits, back on the table or bar, and wait to be served by a senior. • One should always clean one's hands before dining with the hot steamed towel provided. • Japanese soup is eaten holding the bowl to one's mouth, never with a spoon. The exceptions to this are o-zoni, the traditional soup served on New Year's Day; soups with noodles are served in larger bowls, such as ramen, are acceptable to eat using chopsticks, although the soup itself is still consumed from bowl to mouth. • If something might drip onto the table while being

~

Th~~~

•

•

•

•

• •

•

•

transferred in the chopsticks, use the bowl of rice in your other hand to catch the liquid. It is important to not allow this liquid to remain, and so the discolored portion of the rice must be eaten. Rice (in a bowl) should remain white if it was served as such. It is usually polite to finish all sections of a meal served at around the same time. It is suggested that one should take a bite from one container, and then take a bite of rice. One should then take a bite from another container, have another bite of rice, and so forth. It is perfectly acceptable, rather, encouraged to make a slurping noise when eating hot noodles such as udon, ramen or soba. This is standard behaviour in Japan, and Japanese maintain that inhaling air when eating hot noodles improves the flavour. When taking a break from eating during a meal, one should place one's chopsticks on the chopstick rest (hashi-okl) provided. A hashi-oki is usually a ceramic rectangle about four centimeters long, or in some restaurants, a halved wine cork is provided. Unlike Korean table manners, it is acceptable to cradle one's rice bowl in one hand when eating. Japanese rice bowls have a thicker bottom and are made with heat insulating materials while Korean rice bowls are made with heat conductive metals. One should not gesture using chopsticks. Never pass food from one pair of chopsticks to another. This technique is used only in Japanese Buddhist funerary rites when transferring cremated bones into an urn. When pouring wine or beer, the hand holding the bottle should pour forward, not backward (over the back of the hand) which is considered an insult. There is no tipping in Japanese restaurants.

Table Manners ~

Sushi (esp. in a restaurant): •

•

•

It is acceptable to eat sushi with one's fingers,

rather than chopsticks, if the dining situation is relatively casual (this also applies to dining out at a kaitenzushi restaurant). When possible, sushi pieces and sections of cut rolls should be eaten in a single bite, or held in the hand until finished; setting half a piece back down on the plate is considered rude. Nigiri sushi (fish on rice) and maki (rolls) may be eaten with the hands; sashimi (pieces of raw fish) should be eaten with chopsticks.

Malay table manners: • •

•

• • • •

• • • •

Footwear must not be worn in a Malay home due to hygienic reasons. As a guest, if you feel that you cannot consume more food, it is courteous to turn it down by eating a small morsel or by graciously declining it altogether. Remember that the right hand is always used for eating the traditional Malay way - Never the left hand since that it is considered unclean. Have the oldest person served first (disregard whether it is a male or female). Always cover your mouth when toothpicking. Always turn your head away from the table if you are sneezing or coughing. For functions that require guests to sit down on the floor, men should sit crossed-legged and not stretch thel11. Pointing your feet at others is impolite - point your feet away from them. You must leave some drinking beverage in the glass or cup after you finish drinking. Never leave your plate dry after eating. Don't hit or knock on an empty plate as it is considered rude.

661

Table Manners

• •

Do not put back dishes to its original place when you have taken it to your plate. Do not talk when your mouth is full as it is considered rude.

Pakistani Table Manners

Pakistani table manners are a mixture of Islamic teachings, south Asian tradition and British influence: • Before you start eating, Recite "Bismillah ArRahman aI-Rahim" (In the name of Allah Who is most beneficial & merciful). • Wash hands thoroughly before sittingte and a compliment to the host. • When using a knife and fork, eat British style, holding the fork in your left hand. • Do not start eating until the eldest in the family at the table/Dastarkhwan (A long piece of cloth used for food) as Bread (Chapati) is primarily eaten by hand. • Try to eat bread (Chapati) with the right hand. • Don't look into others' saucers while eating. • Do not chew loud enough for others to hear. • Chew with your mouth closed. • Eat everything on the plate; leaving some food is considered wasteful. • Eating additional servings is considered polieats first. • If eating food with bread, first tear it in Filipino Table Manners: • Arrive 15 to 30 minutes later than when invited for a large party. • Compliment the hostess on the house. • Wait to be asked before moving into the dining room or helping yourself to food. • Wait to be told where to sit. There may be a seating plan. • The head of the household, usually the father, or

Table Manners

•

•

• •

•

• •

167

the guest of honour is usually seated at the head of the table. It is polite to wait for the host to invite you to start eating before doing so. When one is offered to try some food by the host, refusing to consume the food offered is considered highly offensive. Meals are often served family- style or buffet-style where you serve yourself. A fork and spoon are the typical eating utensils. The fork is held in the left hand and is used it to guide food, especially rice, to the spoon held in the right hand. The fork, if no knife is available, may be used to slice foods, although some frown upon this. Whether one should leave a small amount of food on the plate or consume all of the food is actually a matter of personal preference. Light burping after a meal is acceptable. Burping also 'Q'lay be used as an excuse when one is full.

CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA

Peruvian Table Manners

Table manners follow most of the European standards, although there are some implications with regards to typical dishes or local traditions. • Leftover Ceviche lemon juice can be poured into a glass following consumption of the fish pieces. This accepted practice is called the "drinking of the tiger's milk". • Don't stretch after a meal Europe

French/Swiss table manners: • Remember to always say please and thank you.

~~________________________________~_a_b_le_M __ al_l1~le__ ~

•

If you've served your own portion, it is considered good manners to finish everything on your plate before asking for more. • Do not put ice in your wine. At restaurants, wine is served at the temperature at which it is meant to be enjoyed. • After you have finished eating, place the cutlery parallel together, vertically at the centre of your plate so the waiter will know to take away your plate. • While you are still eating your meal, place the cutlery to the sides of your plate at 4:00 and 8:00, opposite sides of the plate, signifying to the waiter that you wish to keep your plate. • To communicate that you want more wine, simply finish your glass, but to signify that you have had enough to drink, leave some wine in your glass. • When dining at another's residence, do not use salt or pepper. This is an insult to the person who cooked the meal and is interpreted as "You did not get it right." Russian table manners: • It is polite to leave a bit of food at the end of the meal to show the host that their hospitality was plentiful and appreciated. In addition, the host will often urge the guests for second helpings of food. • It is improper to look into another's plate or saucer. • Remember to say "That was good" to the one who made the dish upon leaving the table. • Small food should not be cut. • No elbows on the table. • No unpleasant noises. • In general, one should not be stuffy or overly ceremonial. Especially if the meal is in someone's home, conviviality and relaxation outrank pro-

Table Manners

j69

priety. A guest is expected to contribute to the fun of the party. • Don't talk while eating. British table manners: • The fork is held in your left hand and the knife is held in your right when used at the same time (except for the left-handed, who may prefer to hold the knife in their left hand and the fork in their right). • You should hold your knife with the handle in your palm and your fork in the other hand with the prongs pointing downwards. • If you're eating a dessert, your fork (if you have one) should be held in the left hand and the spoon in the right. • When eating soup, you should hold your spoon in your right hand and tip the bowl away from you, scooping the soup in movements away from yourself. • It is not acceptable to use your fingers at the table to eat or push food onto your fork. You may, however, eat some foods such as fruit, sandwiches, burgers, crisps, chips or pizza with your fingers; and fingers are mandatory for eating some items, such as asparagus or gulls' eggs. • If there are a number of knives or forks, then you should start from the outside set working your way in as each course is served. • Drinks should always be to the right of your plate with the bread roll to the left. • When eating bread rolls, break off a piece before buttering. Use your knife only to butter the bread, not to cut it. • You should not start eating before your host does or instructs you to do so. At larger meals, it is acceptable to start eating once others have been served.

701

Table Manners

•

•

•

• •

•

•

•

•

•

When you're finished, place your knife and fork together at six o'clock with your fork on the left (tines facing up) and knife on the right, with the knife blade facing in. This signals that you are finished. Alternatively, when finished, your knife and fork can be placed diagonally at the ten o'clock and two o'clock position, crossed (tines facing down). This signals that you are finished and the plate may be taken away. Your napkin should never be screwed up. Nor should it be folded neatly as that would suggest that your host might plan to use it again without washing it-just leave it neatly but loosely. Never blow your nose on your napkin. Place it on your lap and use it to dab your mouth if you make a mess. It is considered rude to answer the telephone at the table. If you need to take an urgent call, excuse yourself and go outside. Always ask for permission from the host and excuse yourself if you need to leave the table. You should place your napkin on your seat until you return. If you must leave the table or are resting, your fork should be at eight o'clock and your knife at four o'clock (with the blade inwards). Once an item of cutlery has been used, it should not touch the table again. The food should be brought to your mouth on the back of the fork; you should sit straight and not lean towards your plate. Dishes should be served from the right, and taken away from the right. Unless the food is placed on your plate at the table, then it should arrive from the left. Drinks should be served from the right.

Table Manllers

•

• • • • •

• • • • • •

•

• •

m:-

Never lean across somebody else's plate. If you need something to be passed, ask the person closest to it. If you have to pass something, only pass it if you are closest to it and pass it directly to them if you can. Salt & pepper should be passed together. Do not take food from a neighbour's plate and don't ask to do so. You must not put your elbows on the table. If pouring a drink for yourself, offer to pour a drink for your neighbours before serving yourself. If extra food is on the table, ask others first if they would like it before taking it yourself. When chewing food, close your mouth and only talk when you have swallowed it. Swallow all food before eating more or having a drink. Do not slurp your food or eat loudly. Never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails. Try to eat all the food you are served. Wine glasses should be held by the stem in the case of white wines, and by cupping the bowl in the case of red wines If Port is served after the meal, then the decanter or bottle should be passed to the person on your left and never passed to the right. Always remember "regular" manners. Remember to say "please" and "thank you". Never transfer food to your mouth with your knife.

AMERICAN TABLE MANNERS Table Setting

Standard American table setting: • Bread or salad plates are to the left of the main

rn

Table Manners

•

•

•

•

•

•

plate, beverage glasses are to the right. If small bread knives are present, lay them across the bread plate with the handle pointing to the right. Modern etiquette provides the smallest numbers and types of utensils necessary for dining. Only utensils which are to be used for the planned meal should be set. Even if needed, hosts should not have more than three utensils on either side of the plate before a meal. If extra utensils are needed, they may be brought to the table along with later courses. If a salad course is served early in the meal, the salad fork should be further from the main course fork, both set on the left. If a soup is served, the spoon is set on the right, further from the plate than the knife. Dessert utensils, a small (such as salad) fork and teaspoon should be placed above the main plate horizontally, or served with the dessert. For convenience, restaurants and banquet halls may not adhere to these rules, instead setting a uniform complement of utensils at each seat. If a wine glass and a water glass are set, the wine glass is on the right directly above the knife. The water glass is to the left of tJ;1.e wine glass at a 45 degree angle, closer to the diner. Glasses designed for certain types of wine may . be set if available. If only one type of glass is available, it is considered correc~,regardless of the type of wine provided. Hosts should always provide cloth napkins to guests. When paper napkins are provided, they should be treated the same as cloth napkins, and therefore should not be balled up or torn. Coffee or tea cups are placed to the right of the table setting, or above the setting to the right if space is limited. The cup's handle should be pointing right.

Table Manners

~

Before Dining: • Hats should not be worn at dinner. Ladies may wear their hats during the day at meals if visiting others. • Before sitting down to a formal meal, gentlemen stand behind their chairs until the women are seated. • A prayer or 'blessing' may be customary in some households, and the guests may join in or be respectfully silent. Most prayers are made by the host before the meal is eaten. Hosts should not practice an extended religious ritual in front of invited guests who have different beliefs. • A toast may be offered instead of or in addition to a blessing. • One does not start eating until (a) every person is served or (b) those who have not been served request that you begin without waiting. At more formal occasions all diners should be served at the same time and will wait until the hostess or host lifts a fork or spoon before beginning. • Napkins are placed in the lap. At more formal occasions diners will wait to place their napkins on their laps until the host places his or her napkin on his or her lap. • One waits until the host has picked up his or her fork or spoon before starting to eat. • When eating very messy foods, such as barbecued ribs or crab, in an informal setting, where it must be eaten with the fingers and could cause flying food particles, a 'bib' or napkin tucked into the collar may be used by adults. Wet wipes or ample paper napkins should be provided to clean the hands. In formal settings, bibs or napkins used as such are improper, and food should be prepared by the chef so that it may be eaten properly with the provided utensils.

~L______________________________~~~a~b~le~N1~al~ln~e~~~

•

Even if one has dietary restrictions, it is inappropriate for non-relatives to request food other than that which is being served by the host at a private function. General Manners while Dining: • When a di.sh is offered from a serving dish (a.k.a. family style), as is the traditional manner, the food may be passed around or served by a host or staff. If passed, you should pass on the serving dish to the next person in the same direction as the other dishes are being passed. Place the serving dish on your left, take some, and pass to the person next to you. You should consider how much is on the serving dish and not take more than a proportional amount so that everyone may have some. If you do not care for any of the dish, pass it to the next person without comment. If being served by a single person, the server should request if the guest would like any of the dish. The guest may s~y "Yes, please," or "No, thank you." • When serving, serve from the left and pick-up the dish from the right. Beverages, however, are to be both served and as well as removed from the right-hand side. • Dip your soup spoon away from you into the soup. Eat soup noiselessly, from the side of the spoon. When there is a small amount left, you may lift the front end of the dish slightly with your free hand to enable collection of more soup with your spoon. • If you are having difficulty getting food onto your fork, use a small piece of bread or your knife to assist. Never use your fingers or thumb. • You may thank or converse with the staff, but it is not necessary, especially if engaged in conversation with others. • It is acceptable in the United States not to accept

Table Manners

• •

• • • • • • • • •

•

r75

all offerings, and to not finish all the food on your plate. No one should ask why another doesn't want any of a dish or why he has not finished a serving. There should be no negative comments about the food nor of the offerings available. Chew with your mouth closed.-Do not slurp, talk with food in your mouth, or make loud or unusual noises while eating. Say "Excuse me," or "Excuse me. I'll be right back,'~ before leaving the table. Do not state that you are going to the restroom. Do not talk excessively loudly. Give others equal opportunities for conversation. Refrain from blowing your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table if you must do so. Burping, coughing, yawning, or sneezing at the table should be avoided. If you do so, say, "Excuse me." Never slouch or tilt back while seated in your chair. Do not "play with" your food or utensils. Never wave or point silverware. You may rest forearms or hands on the table, but not elbows. Do not stare at others. Never talk on your phone or "text" at the table, or otherwise do something distracting, such as read or listen to a personal music player. If an urgent matter arises, apologize, excuse yourself, and step away from the table so your conversation does not disturb the others. If food must be removed from the mouth for some reason, it should be done using the same method which was used to bring the food to the mouth, i.e. by hand, by fork, etc., with the exception of fish bones, which are removed from the mouth between the fingers.

~~______________________________~~~a~b~le~A1~an~n~e~~

•

Before asking for additional helpings, always finish the serving on your plate first. • Gentlemen should stand when a lady leaves or rejoins the table in formal social settings. Using Utensils: • The fork is used to convey solid food to the mouth. Do not use your fingers unless eating foods customarily eaten as such, such as bread, asparagus spears, chicken wings, pizza, etc. • Do not make unnecessary noises with utensils. • The fork may be used either in the "American" style (use the fork in your left hand while cutting; switch to right hand to pick up and eat a piece) or the European "Continental" style (fork always in left hand). • Unless a knife stand is provided, the knife should be placed on the edge of your plate when not in . use and should face inward. • When you have finished eating soup from a bowl or larger "soup plate," the spoon should be placed on the flat plate beneath, if one is present. • As courses are servect, use your silverware from the outside moving inward toward the main plate. Dessert utensils are either above the main plate 01 served with dessert. At the end of the meal: • When you have finished your meal, place all used utensils onto your plate together, on the right side, pointed up, so the waiter knows you have finished. Do not place used utensils on the table. • Except in a public restaurant, do not ask to take some uneaten food or leftovers home, and never do so when attending a formal dinner. A host may suggest that extra food be taken by the guests, but should not insist. • Leave the napkin orr your chair only if leaving temporarily. When you leave the table at the end

Table Manners

r77

of the meal, loosely place the used napkin on the table to the left of your plate. • Wait for your host or hostess to rise before getting up from a dinner party table. • Thank your host when leaving a dinner party. • Once dessert, after-dinner coffee, or the equivalent is served, be wary not to overstay your welcome. The party who first wishes to end the event should rise and say something like, "This has been such a nice evening. We hope we can see you again soon." As a leader you may be called upon to attend banquets, luncheons, or parties. Good table manners are important part in leaving a favorable impression. Being in a formal setting, trying to enjoy a meal can seem like to be almost an insurmountable task, however knowing a few key tips can make the whole experience much more enjoyable. The individuals at the Career Centre at Ball State University and at Cruise Net have provided some great information on dinner etiquette. Let the host take the lead, when they unfold their napkin you do the same. Avoid foods that are sloppy or are hard to eat. Be polite and courteous. Be comfortable and relaxed. Basic Table Manners: • Eat with a fork unless the food is meant to be eaten with fingers. • Don't stuff your mouth full of food. • Chew with your mouth closed. This includes no talking with your mouth full. • Don't make any rude comments about any food being served. • Always say thank you when served something. • If the meal is not buffet style, then wait until everyone is served before eating. • Eat slowly, don't gobble up the food. • When eating rolls, break off a piece of bread before buttering.

781

Table Manners • • • •

Don't reach over someone's plate for something; ask for the item to be passed to you. Don't pick anything out of your teeth. Always use a napkin (which should be on your lap when not in use) to dab your mouth. When eating at someone's home or a guest of someone at a restaurant, always thank the host and tell them how delicious it was, even if it wasn't.

Napkin Etiquette Place the napkin on your lap. If it's a small luncheon napkin, completely unfold it; if it's a large dinner napkin, fold it in half lengthwise. Your napkin remains on your lap throughout the entire meal. If you leave the table during a dinner, place your napkin on your chair to signal to the server that you will be returning. When you are finished dining, place your napkin neatly on the table to the right side of the plate. Do not refold the napkin, but don't leave it crumpled up either. Proper Passing Food dishes are passed from left to right. When asked to pass a dish of food, it's okay to help yourself to some but don't take the last helping. Among friends, it's fine to be informal and just use fingers to take a cookie from a plate. To be more formal, small tongs can be used to pick up the cookie. Take only one of anything, and then get seconds if there are any left. Bread Bread is best eaten by tearing off a bitesized piece and then buttering that piece. If you are using your hands to eat the meal then soaking up sauce while holding a piece of bun or tortilla with your fingers is fine. If you are dining with a fork, tear off a bite-sized piece of bread and place it onto the plate, and use the fork to retrieve the bread from the sauce or gravy. What to Eat with Your Fingers: • Artichoke • Asparagus

Table Manners

• • • • • • • • • • • •

r79

Bacon Bread Cookies Corn on the Cob Deviled Eggs Hors d'Oeuvres, Canapes, Crudites Pickles Sandwiches Small Fruits and Berries on the Stem Chips, French Fries, Fried Chicken, and Hamburgers Nuts Olives

Pasta

Cut the strands to shorten slightly before twirling. You don't have to use the spoon (if one is provided). Twirl the pasta with a fork either by rolling it around in the spoon or just use the fork alone, keeping the fork tip in contact with the plate. Slurping pasta is the only method that is never proper.

Chapter 5

Drinking Bars number one priority when throwing a party is the guest list because - surprise! - people make the party. It matters not how much you invest in decor, how beautiful and impressive your house, or whether you dole out nifty gifts or trinkets, if your guest list is not right, your party will be a disaster. Pull out the address or facebook. Invite the people who make a party, and then tell them to bring their friends. Use the excuse of a drinks party as a chance to get to know more interesting people. Drinks parties by nature are informal and new people are much more likely to accept an invitation to this than to a dinner party. Guest can come and go as they please so there is not the fear of being stuck at a table with a conversation hog. Rule Number 2: Make access to alcohol easy and fast. Put the bar and the booze where guest can get to it and not get bottle-necked into some tight squeeze situation. If you are having more than 40 guests, you'll need two bars on opposite ends of the room, house or venue. If the weather permits, put one bar outside and another inside. As for stocking the bar, you will need the four horsemen: Scotch, Bourbon, Vodka and Gin. Women love white wine and champagne. Men will want beer. Mixers should include club soda two to one over tonic water. Guests always seem to want cranberry juice. Slice some lemons and limes. You'll need a bucket of ice, a wine key and a bottle opener. The

Drinking ~

beer and wine can chill in a cooler on the ground if you don't have a gorgeous silver bowl. As for glasses, I love a one size fits all job but if you have the means and the space you should provide an old-fashioned glass for mixed drinks and wine goblet for wine and water. I love those red Solo cups if you have nothing to prove, but some snoots might look down on that. Provide coke, diet coke, sprite and ginger ale for the non-drinkers. For Pete's sake do NOT run out of ice. Figure two pounds per person in normal weather. Double that if you're outside in the heat. Rule Number 3: Music is key so make it popular and accessible. I know people love those moody, lounge-y compilations but they do not make for a good party. Put on the classics, the sing-alongs and hopefully the dance-alongs. I usually offer a programme of music throughout the evening. The first hours are for classics: Sinatra, Dean Martin, Nina Simone, Billy Holiday. The middle hour calls for classic rock. This loosens people up and they find common ground with strangers. Even well-edited 80's new wave will work here. The last hour calls for dance music, and I mean common interest dance music. Classic hip hop, jam bands, pop music and yes, even disco. Fellows, you can scoff at vintage Madonna, but girls love it and will dance all night to that woman. If the girls are dancing, the party is a hit. Save the druggie ecstasy trance dance stuff for your next rave. It is not happy music. You need to have some soul. Rule Number 4: Food. Well, you have to have it. It's irresponsible to ply people with booze and deny them food to soak it up. Chips and nuts are fine, but for the same price get some cheese, crackers, olives, and fruit. I can't tell you how popular a plate of biscuits and a sliced ham with a side bowl of mustard and mayonnaise is. If you or your friends can cook (or heat up a frozen bag), make some meatballs. Put your gourmet friends to work and ask them to bring their party food. I would stay clear of those layered dip things. They only look good until someone drags a chip through, then they turn slightly grotesque.

~~_________________________________D~ri~n~ki~ng~

Rule Number 5: Clean as you go. If you don't'have staff to help, you should pick up cups, clean up the sticky spills and empty the ash trays. Make the place as welcoming to the last guest to arrive as it was for the first. On the subject of hiring staff, don't underestimate the value of good help. This will enable you to enjoy yourself exponentially. If you have a housekeeper, ask her to work for you the night of the party (paying her extra of course). Put an ad on Craigslist for a bartender. You can usually find sorrl'eone experienced at that - for about what it will cost for two big handles of hooch. Rule Number 6: Handle your liquor. Now as a host you are probably fond of the booze yourself, not that BARS knows anything about that. Remember to pace yourself. It is your duty to make sure your guests are having a good time, meeting each other, and not becoming wall flowers. If you are blotto drunk you are not being a good host. Good parties don't just happen. They are the result of hard work and attention to detail. You have to be on guard that the ice or the liquor doesn't run out. You need to gauge the mood and make sure the music is right. If the law arrives uninvited, you will need to deal with them. It happens. Finally, you'll have to pay attention to those who might need a ride home or a sleep-it-off on your sofa. People do get out of hand. It comes with the territory. Finally, have fun. You know BARS will. When to begin. This seems to be one that many people are confused about. The one that says no one eats until all are served. This is simply not true. Once two have been served, you may begin. A friend of mine puts it thus, "When two have seats, all may eat." I don't know what the hell that means, but it does put people at ease. In restaurants, this can feel awkward as you wait for the food to come out together. But nevertheless, you would be correct in eating. And your well-mannered companions should insist that you begin. Who wants to eat hot food cold? During the meal the fork should be placed in the middle

Drinking

rsr--

of the plate with the handle to the right and just over the edge of the plate when not in use. The knife will rest at the top third of the plate with the handle and the knife point touching the edge. Never put a utensil on the table cloth once it has been used. Never leave a spoon in the soup dish. When you have finished or are taking a break from the soup, place the spoon on a soup plate, or in the absence of such, on your main plate. To repeat, never put a used spoon on the table and do not leave it sitting in the bowl. Another fine point, when eating soup always push the spoon away from you, as in lithe ship goes out to sea" not toward you. Napkin in your chair. Your napkin stays in the seat of your chair if you leave the table during the meal. In fancy restaurants, the waiter will come by in your absence and refold the napkin and place it beside your plate. This annoys me a bit, but that's the way it goes. Never leave a dirty napkin on the table in sight of other dinner guests. When the meal is finished, place the napkin to the left of your plate - or in the centre if the plate has been cleared. Do not refold it. Removing a bad bite. If you find something wrong with the bite in your mouth - gristle, bone, what have you remove it the same way it went in: with your fork. It isn't easy. It isn't graceful. Just do it. And do it smoothly, quietly, unobtrusively, with no fuss. Wait until the conversation turns away from you and pull this maneuver as nonchalantly as possible. Return the food to your plate, disguised beneath the radishes so no one can see it. Do not spit it into your napkin unless there is some extreme reason and if it's that extreme, excuse yourself. After the meal. When you have finished eating place the fork and the knife in the 4:20 position (shown above) or across the middle of the plate, parallel to the edge of the table with the handles to the right and ending on the edge, not hanging over. Either way is correct. The fork will be nearest you with the tines turned up. The sharp side of the knife points toward you as well. Why, you ask, is this

-s4l~

__________________________________~D~r~in~k~i1~lg~

important? Because this simple universal act signals to the staff, waiter or otherwise, that you have finished your meal. Then why is this important when dining at home? Because practice makes perfect and this should become a second nature habit. On the Continent across the pond the tines are turned down at meal's end. SP once affected this method - along with a couple of other European rules when I returned from a trip abroad while in high school. My aunt - a stickler for perfect table manners - stopped in mid-conversation to ask what I was doing. I replied that this was the way people did it in Europe. She responded with a terse, "Well, we are not in Europe." I have never strayed since. A CLUB, as every one knows, is merely an organization of people - men or women or both - who establish club rooms, in which they meet at specified times for specified purposes, or which they use casually and individually. A club's membership may be limited to a dozen or may include several thousands, and the procedure in joining a club may be easy or difficult, according to the type of club and the standing of the would-be member. Membership in many athletic associations may be had by walking in and paying dues; also many country golf-clubs are as free to the public as country inns; but joining a purely social club of rank and exclusiveness is a very different matter. A man to be eligible for membership in such a club must not only be completely a gentleman, but he must have friends among the members who like him enough to be willing to propose him and second him and write letters for him; and furthermore he must be disliked by no oneat least not sufficiently for any member to object seriously to his company. There are two ways of joining a club; by invitation and by making application or having it made for you. To join by invitation means that you are invited when the club is started to be one of the founders or charter members, or if you are a distinguished citizen you may at the invitation of the governors become an honorary

Drinking

IsS

member, or in a small or informal club you may become an ordinary member by invitation or suggestion of the governors that.you would be welcome. A charter member pays dues, but not always an initiation fee; an honorary member pays neither dues nor initiation, he is really a permanent guest of the club. A life member is one who pays his dues for twenty years or so in a lump sum, and is exempted from dues even if he lives to be a hundred. Few clubs have honorary members and none have more than half a dozen, so that this type of membership may as well be disregarded. The ordinary members of a club are either resident, meaning that they live within fifty miles of the club; or non-resident, living beyond that distance and paying less dues but having the same privileges. In certain of the London clubs, one or two New York ones, and the leading club in several other cities, it is not unusual for a boy's name to be put up for membership as soon as he is born. If his name comes up while he is a minor, it is laid aside until after his twenty-first birthday and then put at the head of the list of applicants and voted upon at the next meeting of the governors. In all clubs in which membership is limited and much sought after, the waiting list is sure to be long and a name takes anywhere from five to more than ten years to come up. HOW A NAME IS "PUT UP" Since a gentleman is scarcely likely to want to join a club in which the members are not his friends, he tells a member of his family, or an intimate friend, that he would like to join the Nearby Club, and adds, "Do you mind putting me up? I will ask Dick to second me." The friend says, "I'll be very glad to," and Dick says the same. It is still more likely that the suggestion to join comes from a friend, who says one day, "Why don't you join the Nearby Club? It would be very convenient for you." The other says, "1 think I should like to," and the first replies, "Let me put you up, and Dick will be only too glad to second you."

1%l~

________________________________~D~ri~nk~i~ng~

It must be remembered that a gentleman has no right

to ask anyone who is not really one of his best friends to propose or second him. It is an awkward thing to refuse in the first place, and in the second it involves considerable effort, and on occasion a great deal of annoyance and trouble. For example let us suppose that Jim Smartlington asks Donald Lovejoy to propose him and Clubwin Doe to second him. His name is written in the book kept for the purpose and signed by both proposer and seconder: • Smartlington, James • Proposer: Donald Lovejoy • Seconder: Clubwin Doe Nothing more is done until the name is postedmeaning that it appears among a list of names put up on the bulletin-board in the club house. It is then the duty of Lovejoy and Doe each to write a letter of endorsement to the governors of the club, to be read by them when they hold the meeting at which his name comes up for election. Example: Board of Governors, The Nearby Club. Lovejoy must also at once tell Smartlington to ask about six friends who are club-members (but not governors) to write letters endorsing him. Furthermore, the candidate can not come up for election unless he knows several of the governors personally, who can vouch for him at the meeting. Therefore Lovejoy and Doe must one or the other take Smartlington to several governors (at their offices generally) and personally present him, or very likely they invite two or three of the governors and Smartlington to lunch. Even under the best of circumstances it is a nuisance for a busy man to have to make appointments at the offices of other busy men. And since it is uncertain which of the governors will be present at any particular meeting, it is necessary to introduce the candidate to a sufficient nut;Tlber so that at least two among those at the meeting will be able

Drinking ~

to "Speak for him. In the example we have chosen, Clubwin Doe, having himself been a governor and knowing most of the present ones very well, has less difficulty in presenting his candidate to them than many other members might have, who, though they have for years belonged to the club, have used it so seldom that they know few, if any, of the governors even by sight. At the leading woman's club of New York, the governors appoint an hour on several afternoons before elections when they are in the visitors' rooms at the club house on purpose to meet the candidates whom their proposers must present. This would certainly seem a more practicable method, to say nothing of its being easier for everyone concerned, than the masculine etiquette which requires that the governors be stalked one by one, to the extreme inconvenience and loss of time and occasionally the embarrassment of everyone. As already said, Jim Smartlington, having unusually popular and well-known sponsors and being also very well liked himself, is elected with little difficulty. But take the case of young Breezy: He was put up by two not well-known members, who wrote half-hearted endorsements themselves and did nothing about getting letters from others; they knew none of the governors, and trusted that two who knew Breezy slightly "would do." His casual proposer forgot that enemies write letters as well as friends-and that moreover enmity is active where friendship is often passive. Two men who disliked his "manner" wrote that they considered him "unsuitable," and as he had no friends strong enough to stand up for him, he was t\lrned down. A gentleman is rarely "black-balled," as such an action could not fail to injure him in the eyes of the world. (The expression "black ball" comes from the custom of voting for a member by putting a white ball hl a ballot box, 01: against him by putting in a black one.) If a candidate is likely to receive a black ball, the governors do not vote on him at

~~____________________________________D_r_in_k_in~g~

all, but inform the proposer that the name of his candidate would better be withdrawn. Later on, if the objection to him is disproved or overcome, his name can again be put up. The more popular the candidate, the less work there is for his proposer and seconder. A stranger-if he is not a member of the representative club in his own city-would have need of strong friends to elect him to an exclusive one in another, and an unpopular man has no chance at all. However, in all except very rare instances events run smoothly; the candidate is voted on at a meeting of the board of governors and is elected. A notice is mailed to him next morning, telling him that he has been elected and that his initiation fee and his dues make a total of so much. The candidate thereupon at once d.taws his check for the amount and mails it. As soon as the secretary has had ample time to receive the check, the new member is free to use the club as much or as little as he cares to.

THE NEW MEMBER The new member usually, but not necessarily, goes for the first time to a club with his proposer or his seconder, or at least an old member; for since in exclusive clubs visitors living in the same city are never given the privilege of the club, none but members can know their way about. Let us say he goes for lunch or dinner, at which he is host, and his friend imparts such unwritten information as: "That chair in the window is where old Gotrox always sits; don't occupy it when you see him coming in or he will be disagreeable to everybody for a week." at "They always play double stakes at this table, so don't sit at it, 'unless you mean to." Or "That's Double coming in now, avoid him at bridge as you would the plague." "The roasts are always good and that waiter is the best in the room," etc. A new member is given-or should ask for-a copy of the Club Book, which contains besides the list of the

Drinking [89

members, the constitution and the by-laws or "house rules," which he must study carefully and be sure to obey. COUNTRY CLUBS Country clubs are as a rule less exclusive and less expensive than the representative city clubs, but those like the Myopia Hunt, the Tuxedo, the Saddle and Cycle, the Burlingame, and countless others in between, are many of them more expensive to belong to than any clubs in London or New York, and are precisely the same in matters of membership and management. They are also quite as difficult to be elected to as any of the exclusive clubs in the cities-more so if anything, because they are open to the family and friends of every member, whereas in a man's club in a city his membership gives the privilege of the club to no one but himself personally. The test question always put by the governors at elections is: "Are the candidate's friends as well as his family likely to be agreeable to the present members of the Club?" If not, he is not admitted. Nearly all country clubs have, however, one open door-unknown to city ones. People taking houses in the neighborhood are often granted "season privileges"; meaning that on being proposed by a member and upon paying a season subscription, new householders are accepted as transient guests. In some clubs this season subscription may be indefinil:ely renewed; in others a man must come up for regular election at the end of three months or six or a year. Apart from what may be called the few representative and exclusive country clubs, there are hundreds-more likely thousands - which have very simple requirements for membership. The mere form of having one or two members vouch for a candidate's integrity and good behaviour is sufficient. Golf clubs, hunting clubs, political or sports clubs have special membership qualifications; all good golf players are as a rule welcomed at all golf clubs; all huntsmen at hunting clubs, and yet the Myopia would not think of

~~__________________________________D~ri~ll_ki_llg~

admitting the best rider ever known if he was not unquestionably a gentleman. But this is unusual. As a rule, the great player is welcomed in any club specially devoted to the sport in which he excels. In many clubs a stranger may be given a three (sometimes it is six) months' transient membership, available in some instances to foreigners only; in others to strangers living beyond a certain distance. A name is proposed and seconded by two members and then voted on by the governors, or the house committee. The best known and most distinguished club of New England has an "Annex" in which there are dining-rooms to which ladies as well as gentlemen who are not members are admitted, and this annex, plan has since been followed by others elsewhere. All men's clubs have private diningrooms in which members can give stag dinners, but the representative men's clubs exclude ladies absolutely from ever crossing their thresholds.

WOMEN'S CLUBS Excepting that the luxurious women's club has an atmosphere that a man rarely knows how to give to the interior of a house, no matter how architecturally perfect it may be, there is no difference between women's and men's clubs. In every State of the Union there are women's clubs of every kind and grade; social, political, sports, professional; some housed in enormous and perfect bUildings constructed for them, and some perhaps in only a room or two. When the pioneer women's club of New York was started, a club that aspired to be in the same class as the most important men's club, various governors of the latter were unflatteringly outspoken; women could not possibly run a club as it should be run - it was unthinkable that they should be foolish enough to attempt it! And the husbands and fathers of the founders expected to have to dig down in their pockets to make up the deficit; forgetting entirely

Drinking ~

that the running of a club is merely the running of a house on a large scale, and that women, not men, are the perfect housekeepers. To-day, no clubs anywhere are more perfect in appointment or better run than the representative women's clubs. In fact, some of the men's clubs have been forced to follow the lead of the foremost of them and to realise that a club in which members merely sit about and look out of the window is a pretty dull place to the type of younger members they most want to attract, and that the combination of the comfort and smartness of a perfectly run private house with every equipment for athletics, is becoming the ideal in club-life and club-building to-day.

GOOD MANNERS IN CLUBS Good manners in clubs are the same as good manners elsewhere-only a little more so. A club is for the pleasure and convenience of many; it is never intended as a stagesetting for a "star" or "clown" or "monologist." There is no place where a person has greater need of restraint and consideration for the reserves of others than in a club. In every club there is a reading-room or library where conversation is not allowed; there are books and easy chairs and good light for reading both by day and night; and it is one of the u~breakable rules not to speak to anybody who is reading-or writing. When two people are sitting by themselves and talking, another should on no account join them unless he is an intimate friend of both. To be a mere acquaintance, or, still less, to have been introduced to one of them, gives no privilege whatever. The fact of being a club member does not (except in a certain few especially informal clubs) grant anyone the right to speak to strangers. If a new member happens to find no one in the club whom he knows, he goes about his own affairs. He either sits down and reads or writes, or "looks out of the window," or plays solitaire, or occupies himself as he would if he were alone in a hotel.

4f2l~

___________________________________D_r_ill~k~i1~lg

It is courteous of a governor or habitual member, on

noticing a new member or a visitor, especially one who seems to be rather at a loss-to go up and speak to him, but the latter must on no account be the one to speak first. Certain New York and Boston clubs, as well as those of London, have earned a reputation for snobbishness because the members never speak to those they do not know. Through no intent to be disagreeable, but just because it is not customary, New York people do not speak to those they do not know, and it does not occur to them that strangers feel slighted until they themselves are given the same medicine in London; or going elsewhere in America, they appreciate the courtesy and kindness of the South and West. The fundamental rule for behaviour in a club is the same as in the drawing-room of a private house. In other words, heels have no place on furniture, ashes belong in ash-receivers, books should not be abused, and all evidence of exercising should be confined to the courts or courses and the locker room. Many people who wouldn't think of lolling around the house in unfit attire, come trooping into country clubs with their steaming faces, clammy shirts, and rumpled hair, giving too awful evidence of recent exertion, and present fitness for the bathtub. THE PERFECT CLUBMAN

The perfect clubman is another word for the perfect gentleman. He never allows himself to show irritability to anyone, he makes it a point to be courteous to a new member or an old member's guest. He scrupulously observes the rules of the club, he discharges his card debts at the table, he pays his share always, with an instinctive horror of sponging, and lastly, he treats everyone with the same consideration which he expects-and demands-from them. THE INFORMAL CLUB

The informal club is often more suggestive of a fraternity than a club, in that every member speaks to every

Dri1lking ~

other-always. In one of the best known of this type, the members are artists, authors, scientists, sportsmen and other thinkers and doers. There is a long table set every day for lunch at which the members gather and talk, everyone to everyone else. There is another dining-room where solitary members may sit by themselves or bring in outsiders if they care to. None but members sit at the "round" table which isn't "round" in the least! The informal club is always a comparatively small one, but the method of electing members varies. In some, it is customary to take the vote of the whole club, in others members are elected by the governors first, and then asked to join. In this case no man may ask to have his name put up. In others the conventional methods are followed. THE VISITORS IN A CLUB

In every club in the United States a member is allowed to "introduce" a stranger (living at least fifty miles away) for a length of time varying with the by-laws of the club. In some clubs guests may be put up for a day only, in others the privilege extends for two weeks or more. Many clubs allow each member a certain number of visitors a year; in others visitors are unlimited. But in all city clubs the same guest can not be introduced twice within the year. In country clubs visitors may always be brought in by members in unlimited numbers. As a rule when a member introduces a stranger, he takes him to the club personally, writes his name in the visitors' book, and introduces him to those who may be in the room at the time - very possibly asking another member whom he knows particularly well to "look out" for his guest. If for some reason it is not possible for the stranger's host to take him to the club, he writes to the secretary of the club for a card of introduction. Mr. Strang leigh goes to the club by himself. A visitor who has been given the privileges of the club has, during the time of his visit, all the rights of a member excepting

~~__________________________________~D~r~il~lk~i1~lgL

that he is not allowed to introduce others to the club, and he can not give a dinner in the private dining-room. Strict etiquette also demands, if he wishes to ask several members to dine with him, that he take them to a restaurant rather than into the club dining-room, since the club is their home and he is a stranger in it. He may ask a member whom he knows well to lunch with him in the club rooms, but he must not ask one whom he knows only slightly. As accounts are sent to the member who put him upunless the guest arranges at the club's office to have his charges rendered to himself, he must be punctilious to ask for his bill upon leaving, and pay it without question. Putting a man up at a club never means that the member is "host." The visitor's status throughout his stay is founded on the courtesy of the member who introduced him, and he should try to show an equal courtesy to everyone about him. He should remember not to obtrude on the privacy of the members he does not know. He has no right to criticise the management, the rules or the organization of the club. He has, in short, no actual rights at all, and he must not forget that he hasn't! CLUB ETIQUETTE IN LONDON, PARIS AND NEW YORK

"In a very smart London club" (the words quoted are Clubwin Doe's) "you keep your hat on and glare about! In Paris you take your hat off and behave with such courtesy and politeness as seems to you an affectation. In New York you take your hat off and behave as though the rooms were empty; but as though you were being observed through loop-holes in the walls." In New York you are introduced occasionally, but you may never ask to be introduced, and you speak only to those you have been introduced to. In London, you are never introduced to anyone, but if the member who has taken you with him joins a group and you all sit down together, you talk as you would after dinner in a gentleman'S house. But if you are made a temporary member and meet those you have been talking to when you

Drinking [95

are alone the next day, you do not speak unless spoken to. In Paris, your host punctiliously introduces you to various members and you must just as punctiliously go the next day to their houses and leave your card upon each one! This is customary in the strictly French clubs only. In anyone which has members of other nationalitiesespecially with Americans predominating, or seeming to, American customs obtain. In French clubs a visitor can not go to the club unless he is with a member, but there are no restrictions on the number of times he may be taken by the same member or another one. UNBREAKABLE RULES

Failure to pay one's debts, or behaviour unbefitting a gentleman, is cause for expulsion from every club; which is looked upon in much the same light as expulsion from the Army. In certain cases expulsion for debt may seem unfair, since one may find himself in unexpectedly straitened circumstances, and the greatest fault or crime could not be more severely dealt with than being expelled from his club; but "club honour" -except under very temporary and mitigating conditions - takes no account of any reason for being "unable" to meet his obligations. He must-or he is not considered honorable. If a man can not afford to belong to a club he must resign while he is still "in good standing." If later on he is able to rejoin, his name is put at the head of the waiting list, and if he was considered a desirable member, he is reelected at the next meeting of the governors. But a man who has been expelled (unless he can show cause why his expulsion was unjust and be re-instated) can never again belong to that, or be elected to any other, club.

Chapter 6 Conversation MEETING PEOPLE

Both nonverbal and verbal behaviour help to define your social skills. Using effective handshakes, good eye contact, proper introductions show proper etiquette and are a sign of good manners. When you meet people you should always pay careful attention to what others are saying. Smile, be at ease, self-confident, composed and on good behaviour. Speak well of others (regardless of your true feelings). Look directly at a person when speaking and always use respectful words such as, Ma'am and Sir, "Yes, Please" & "No, Thank You" or "Yes, Please Mr. Jones" & "No, Thank You Mrs. Johnson" HANDSHAKES

Handshakes are as important as your smile and tone of voice. They should be firm, with substance, NOT a bone crusher, and not lifeless. Two to three seconds is long enough to hold a handshake. Never shake hands with your left hand in your pocket, and never reach across a table to shake hands with someone. INTRODUCTIONS

Always take the initiative to introduce yourself. When in doubt introduce people (even if they already know each other). Always remember that the youngest is introduced

COllversation

197

to oldest, or that lower rank is introduced to higher rank. It would go something like this: • Group: "(Group Name), this is Brandon Jones" • Individual: "Brandon, I would like for you to me,et Emma Bean, Emma, this is Brandon Jones" If you forget a person's name, admit that you have a mental block rather than obvious flailing around. Titles should always be used in introductions as well as in general conversation. ALWAYS use Mr. & Ms. (use Mrs. only if you are sure someone is married AND prefers that title). If someone has a PhD, DVM or MO, the use of Dr. is most appropriate. When in doubt, error on the side of being too formal! It takes more than a black tie or beautiful gown to fit into a formal setting. How you appear is only part of the challenge since just about anyone can dress up and look nice. Even more important is the way you present yourself through conversation. A loud booming voice points towards the lack of social graces and gives those in your company the impression that you're an overbearing or even uneducated person. Likewise, a barely audible voice is irritating, to say the least. People hate it when they have to strain to hear what someone is saying or when they have to ask the person to repeat. And, it's extremely rude to whisper, particularly for the purpose of excluding others in present company. Try to speak in a moderate tone but never a monotone. How you laugh is also important in a formal setting. Loud, boisterous laughs point towards social inadequacy and poor upbringing. Other do-nots are covering your mouth when you laugh, snickering, or laughing aloud with food in your mouth. And don't gesture wildly when conversing or laughing. Limit hand movements to just within your own space. Outstretching arms completely is a no-no, along with hitting the air in mock of a punch, reaching over and slapping someone on the back, shaking or snapping your fingers, or clapping your hands while talking.

~L__________________________________~C~O~llv~e~r~sa~t~io~1l

The topics of conversation appropriate for a social gathering are many, but topics not to be discussed are almost as abundant. Discussions of others' personal lives are taboo, particularly when speaking of their relationship with their spouse, their finances, or personal problems. Never discuss unfortunate events such as a pers0l!'S child who has become incarcerated or gone astray. It is acceptable to discuss the recent injury or illness of a person, but never at the dinner table. Great topics of conversation are recent news events, locally or world-wide, books, history, technology, music, and even sports. Topics to avoid are gruesome tales, sex, lengthy spills about your children or pets, and yourself. It's okay to mention things that are going on in your life but it's easy to get carried away with that topic and become boring. Try to keep conversation light, humorous or general. Don't hog the conversation, either. If you've been talking for more than 5 minutes straight, with not much more than a "hmm" out of others, it's time to allow another person the spotlight. Do so by asking them a question which will turn the conversation over to them. Being a good conversationalist is not just the ability to speak well but also, the ability to listen well. Being able to effectively communicate with your peers and the public is very important. As a leader, you may be called upon to write letters, send emails, attend conference calls, and do presentations. Knowing the proper etiquette for email, voice mail, and phones will aid you in conducting yourself in a professional manner Public Cell Phone Etiquette Cell phones are here to stay, and people are using them more and more for both business and private calls. With an increasingly connected society, it is becoming more and more important to know how to use these devices properly. The individuals at Info World, provide us with ten rules to using your cell phone in a way that allows you to conduct business but as not to annoy everyone around you!

Conversation

•

r99

If you are in a situation where you can not move away from others, (a bus, theater, meeting, dinner table) you should not be using your cell phone. No one wants to listen to your conversation and it is rude to force them to do so. • If you use your phone for business, keep the ringer to a normal phone ring, not the latest Top 40 hit, or your favourite childhood song. • Turn your cell phone off during public performances. • You do not need more than one electronic device with you at a time. Either use your cell phone or your PDA, not both. • Do not ever use your cell phone while driving. Pull over, and save yourself and your fellow drivers from a potentially dangerous situation. • Especially when in a business situation, do not wear an earpiece or other attachment for your phone. • Do not scream into your cell phone. You should be able to use your normal speaking voice, or do not make or receive a call. This prevents others from having to listen to your conversations. • You do not need to have your cell phone with you everywhere. In fact, there are some places that a cell phone should never go- a hospital, house of . worship, a classroom, etc. • Do not try to show off all that your phone can do in a public place. It's rude, unnecessary and people do not want to see that your phone has 47 ring tones. • Do not take your phone out of your pocket, purse, or bag when in a meeting, at a meal, or other public venue just to hear it ring. Put it on vibrate or turn the ringer to a reasonable level that you can hear with it still safely tucked away in your pocket, purse or bag.

~~___________________________________ C_o_nv_e_r_sa_t_io__ ll

EMAIL

Email is one of the easiest and fastest ways to communicate in today tech savvy society. Few people do not have access to the internet and an email account. But as this medium has become more and more popular, even for business purposes, the lines between good and bad manners seems to have become blurred. Good Email Etiquette: • Do find out if your place of business or organization has a policy about email. This will let you know what types of messages and be sent and received. • Do think about the message content before you hit the send button. If you pause a moment when thinking about your content, more than likely you should rethink sending the email! • Do send relevant messages to people. Nobody likes junk mail. • Do me polite. Again, if you reread and question something you said, others will as well. • Do delete old messages when you hit the reply button. No one like to skim through pages of text to get to the newest messages. • Do use jokes and attempts a humour sparingly. If it's a business email, remember that smileys and the like are not appropriate. • Do include a subject line and make it relevant to the message you are sending. • Do include information from previous emails if it is necessary for the person reading, to understand the current situation. • Do be patient with people who are not familiar with email. • Do always sign your emails with your actual name, not your email address or other alias. • Do pay attention to whether or not a message is

COllversation

[10'1"

sent to a whole list of people. If the message is going to a whole list of people from one person, only reply to the whole list if absolutely necessary! • Do delete information that isn't necessary. • Do tell people if you are sending an attachment, what the attachment is and why they need it. • Do let people know if you are forwarding their message to someone else, and if appropriate ask if you may do so. Bad Email Etiquette: • Don't reply to an email message when angry, you may regret it later. • Don't copy a long message just to add a line or two of text such as "I agree". • Don't type in CAPITALS as this is considered to be SHOUTING. • Don't over-use punctuation such as exclamation marks (I/!,,) as these are meant to be for emphasis. • Don't send irrelevant messages, especially to mailing lists or newsgroups. • Don't send large attachments without checking with the recipient first. • Don't send chain letters. • Don't send an email without first proofreading! • Don't conduct arguments in public, for example on a mailing list. • Don't make personal remarks about third parties. • Don't send unsuitable email or attachments. • Don't use an over-elaborate signature on your email message. • Don't mark things as urgent if they aren't. • Don't post your email address on web sites and other public parts of the Internet.

TELEPHONE ETIQUETTE We have all been using the telephone for awhile, but it is still good to use proper etiquette when using the phone

~~_________________________________C~o~n~v~er~s~at~io~l~l

for business. You should always make an agenda for the call, speak slowly, be polite and friendly, and smile. Within 24 hours, reply to voice maiL When leaving messages, start with your name, phone number and the time and date of your call, speak slowly and clearly, be brief, let the person know the level of importance (urgent, ASAP, etc.) and end the message by repeating your name and number. When speaking with a business for the first time know who you need to speak with so you can ask for them directly. If you do not speak with them directly, write down the name of the person with whom you speak and the date and time you called for your records. Always, introduce yourself. If the person you are looking for is away, ask when they will be available and when you will call back. When you phone later, your call will be expected. Learn the basic features of your phone. Some phones have audible calendar and/or alarm function on, even when in "silent mode". Some phones have audible calendar and/or alarm function even when turned off. Some phoH:"s beep on an incoming call, even in "silent mode". Some phones can dial emergency number, even when the keys are locked. Know how to adjust the ring tone volume, use the vibrating alarm and send a message. Pick your ring tone wisely. Learn to use your phone! OBEY MOBILE PHONE BANS

Where there are rules about switching mobiles off, simply obey them. In hospitals and in airplanes, the signals can interfere with equipment. Mobile phone bans in places of worship, libraries, trains, restaurants, dubs, cinemas and theatres are there for a reason. Know when you can use the silent mode". Respect all bans and switch off. If you really need to make or take a call, leave the area. Use common sense and when in doubt do not use your phone! When required, turn your phone off and check it's off. Remember to check your phone is off at activities such as watching a movie, theatre, II

Conversation

rtQ3

weddings, museums, churches, concerts, speeches, airplanes classrooms and lectures. You can always check your voicemail, text messages or answering service afterwards. Speak Softly not Loudly

You do not have to yell to be heard. Mobile phones are designed for conversation at normal volume levels. Talk as you would talk to other people or on a land line phone. The person you are talking to even has a volume button on his or her phone. You can keep your voice low and discreet by directing your face down and slightly into your chest. If you are not sure if you are too loud, watch the reaction of people near you. Keep Your Distance from Those Around You

Each person is surrounded by a personal space, respect that. Speak in places at least Sm away from the closest person. If there is no separate, private area available for your call, wait to speak on the phone until a good space is available. Crowded rooms, lines and tight hallways are not places to carryon phone conversations. If you're in an enclosed area and need to take a call, pick up the call, but don't start talking until you're out of the room. There's nothing worse than disturbing people around you with your ring tone, only to annoy them further by starting your conversation in their presence! Keep your private conversations private. Do not add stress to other people's lives. Nobody else wants to hear about your private problems and conflicts, so pay attention to the surrounding audience. Nobody wants to hear dn angry voice, so be polite, and use pleasant tone on a phone. Talking confidential business issues in a public place may also risk your company's future business. Do not Keep Others Waiting

Your time is not more valuable that anyone else's.

JUMn~

__________________________________~C~o~n~ve~r~sa~t~io~n

Nobody wants to wait for you to finish your conversation. Put the phone down, turn off your phone, call back later and concentrate on what you are doing. Your phone conversation can wait, so do not inconvenience those around you. Do not Break Off Face-to-face Conversations to Answer Your Phone If you receive a call during a conversation, send the call to your voicemail or answering service. Your first priority should be to the person you are with. Remember, you do not have to answer the phone, so just switch off your phone when required. It's also advisable not to use your earpiece in the presence of others, other people don't know if you are with them or not.

Choose the Time and Place of Your Calls Wisely Do not make calls in noisy areas or places where network coverage is poor. If your network does not provide good quality coverage, change your operator. Know how to Communicate Over the Phone , Check if it is appropriate time to call and remember global time zones. Your idea of an emergency is- not the same as someone else's. People should not be fired via a mobile phone. Do not send offensive or threatening messages! Remember that the receiver can always save messages and easily identify the sender. Some users have to pay to pick up their messages. So alsQ keep your messages brief. Do One Thing at a Time Multi-tasking is not cool and you can't really do it properly and safely anyway. Pay attention to what you are doing as multi-tasking can be hazardous, rude and inefficient. The person you are talking to deserves your full attention.

Conversation

Ii05

Respect Camera Phone Rules

Camera phone misuse has already become a problem. Respect others' privacy and do not use in-phone cameras anywhere a normal camera would be considered inappropriate, such as in art galleries, change rooms or toilets. Ask for permission before you take someone's picture. Some venues do not allow the use of cameras and may refuse entry to anyone with one. Social etiquette in conversation isn't about being posh or speaking with a plum in your mouth. It's about simple good manners. What's most important is that you put the person you're talking to at ease and that they feel as though they had chance to say what they wanted to say and that you listened to them and responded to them sensitively. There are a few things to b.ear in mind about conversation etiquette: • Don't hijack the conversation: Conversations should be two-way processes where you find out about the other person and what they think on a topic, as well as telling them what you think. Looking at the other person's body language will give you hints about when you've talked enough. Their eyes glazing over as they heave heavy sighs and glance at their watches is always a clue you should stop talking pretty soon! • Give people time to speak: Not everyone finds it easy to say what they want to say. Don't be afraid of a few silences in your conversations. A quick look at the face of the person you're talking to will let you know whether they're pausing to think of what to say next; if they've fallen asleep in boredom or if they're scoping the room looking for an escape route! Whatever it is, you probably ought to let them do it. • Invite others in: If you can see that someone is struggling for something to say - help them out.

lO6l

•

•

•

•

•

Conversation

Phrase what you said differently if it needs a response and they seem not to understand. But don't be patronizing. Also - ask questions: Make the questions easy to understand and respond to. That will give the person you're talking to a prompt and help the relax into talking to you. Give people a chance to arl;swer - and make sure you listen: Some people jump straight in with an answer; others like to ponder a question and give a considered response. Either of those options is fine, so make sure you leave time for an answer to be given. You only have to look at facial expressions and body language to know if they are wanting you to step in and rescue them by speaking again. Respect other people's opinions: It doesn't really matter whether the world agrees with you, does it? People are entitled to their opinion and you don't have to launch a single-handed campaign to convince them of the error of their ways. You won't succeed anyway and why does it matter to you? Unless someone is likely to be harmed by holding a particular opinion, leave it well alone. Even if there is a risk of danger, think que fully about whether you're the right person to tell them about it. Don't rain on someone's parade: That's partly linked to the last point, but basically, it means don't dampen someone's enthusiasm. You may see all sorts of pitfalls in their plans or what they're saying, but do you really have to be the person to tell them? Can't you let them find out these things for themselves? After all, the problems you fear may not actually arise. Don't be a know-it-all: You may have a wealth of wisdom and knowledge to pass orr to someone,

Conversation [107

but unless you do it in the right way, it won't be appreciated and it won't do any good. It's important not to be smug when passing on advice. Don't pretend you have all the answers - because you really don't. Also - don't maJ<e the other person feel stupid. Its bad manners and they won't listen to you anyway. • Don't make disagreement personal: It's fine to differ in opinions - even with friends and loved ones. That's just life and it doesn't hurt anyone. A difference of opinion doesn't have to cause a row and it can actually lead to an interesting conversation-if you approach it right. That means not making the other person feel stupid for thinking as they do; don't bully or berate someone into agreeing with you -this actually won't work anyway; even if they say they now agree with you, they'll probably be lying! Don't resort to aouse and name calling-and listen to the other person's point of view; you'll have an easier life-and you may even learn something. • Difficult conversations were neve{ meant to be easy: Lack of tact is a huge conversation faux pas. It alienates people and means you just don't get listened to. Think whether you really need to have a difficult conversation with someone -if you think the are making a potentially harmful choice, for instance. Choose your battles on this and make sure you're the right person to have the conversation; are you close enough and trusted enough to advise this person? It's simple good manners to choose carefully what you say to people. Make them glad they talked to you. Try to make people feel better for having talked to you. If you know a comment will be unwanted, don't make it unless it's absolutely necessary for someone's welfare. Those are the simple rules of social etiquetle in conversation. Ideal -

~~_________________________________C_o_n_v_er~s_at_io__ n

conversation should be a matter of equal give and take, but too often it is all "take." The voluble talker-or chatterer-rides his own hobby straight through the hours without giving anyone else, who might also like to say something, a chance to do other than exhaustedly await the turn that never comes. Once in a while-a very long while-one meets a brilliant person whose talk is a'delight; or still more rarely a wit who manipulates every ordinary topic with the agility of a sleight-of-hand performer, to the ever increasing rapture of his listeners. But as a rule the man who has been led to believe that he is a brilliant and interesting talker has been led to make himself a rapacious pest. No conversation is possible between others whose ears are within reach of his ponderous voice; anecdotes, longwinded stories, dramatic and pathetic, stock his repertoire; but worst of all are his humorous yarns at which he laughs uproariously though everyone else grows solemn and more solemn. There is a simple rule, by which if one is a voluble chatterer (to be a good talker necessitates a good mind) one can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore. And the rule is merely, to stop and think. "THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK"

Nearly all the faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking. For instance, a fi.rst rule for behaviour in society is: "Try to do and say those things only which will be agreeable to others./I Yet how many people, who really know better, people who are perfectly capable of intelligent understanding if they didn't let their brains remain asleep or locked tight, go night after night to dinner parties, day after day to other social gatherings, and absentmindedly prate about this or that without ever taking the trouble to think what they are saying and to whom they are saying it! Would a young mother describe twenty or thirty cunning tricks and sayin:gs of the baby to a bachelor who has been helplessly put beside her at dinner if she thought?

Conversation

ITo9

She would know very well, alas! that not even a very dear friend would really care for more than a hoI's d'oellvre of the subject, at the board of general conversation. The older woman is even worse, unless something occurs (often \yhen it is too late) to make her wake up and realise that she not only bores her hearers but prejudices everyone against her children by the unrestraint of her own praise. The daughter who is continually lauded as the most captivating and beautiful girl in the world, seems to the wearied perceptions of enforced listeners annoying and plai'1. In the same way the "magnificent" son is handicapped by his mother's-or his father's-overweening pride and love in exact proportion to its displayed intensity. On the other hand, the neglected wife, the unappreciated husband, the misunderstood child, takes on a glamour in the eyes of others equally out of proportion. That great love has seldom perfect wisdom is one of the great tragedies in the drama of life. In the case of the over loving wife or mother, some one should love her enough to make her stop and think that her loving praise is not merely a question of boring her hearers but of handicapping unfairly those for whom she would gladly lay down her life-and yet few would have the courage to point out to her that she would far better lay down her tongue. The cynics say that those who take part in social conversation are bound to be either the bores or the bored; and that which you choose to be, is a mere matter of selection. And there must be occasions in the life of everyone when the cynics seem to be right; the man of affairs who, sitting next to an attractive looking young woman, is regaled throughout dinner with the detailed accomplishments of the young woman's husbandi the woman of intellect who must listen with interest to the droolings of an especially prosy man who holds forth on the super-everything of his own possessions, can not very well consider that the evening was worth dressing, sitting up, and going out for. People who talk too easily are apt to

11In~

_________________________________C_o_n~v_cr~s_at~io~n_

talk too much, and at times imprudently, and those with vivid imagination are often unreliable in their statements. On the other hand the "man of silence" who never speaks except when he has something "worth while" to say, is apt to wear well among his intimates, but is not likely to add much to the gaiety of a party. Try not to repeat yourself; either by telling the same story again and again or by going back over details of your narrative that seemed especially to interest or amuse your hearer. Many things are of interest when briefly told and for the first time; nothing interests when too long dwelt upon; little interests that is told a second time. The exception is something very pleasant that you have heard about A. or more especially A.'s child, which having already told A. you can then tell B., and later C: in A.'s presence. Never do this as a habit, however, and never drag the incident into the conversation merely to flatter A., since if A. is a person of taste, he will be far more apt to resent than be pleased by flattery that borders on the fulsome. Be careful not to let amiable discussion turn into contradiction and argument. The tactful person keeps his prejudices to himself and even when involved in a discussion says quietly "No. I don't think I agree with you" or "It seems to me thus 'and so." , One who is well-bred never says "You are wrong!" or ~Nothing of the kind!" If he finds another's opinion utterly opposed to his own, he switches to another subject for a pleasanter channel of conversation. When some one is talking to you, it is inconsiderate to keep repeating "What did you say?" Those who are deaf are often obliged to ask that a sentence be repeated. Otherwise their irrelevant answers would make them appear half-witted. But countless persons with perfectly good hearing say "What?/f from force of habit and careless inattention. THE GIFT OF HUMOUR

The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious

Conversation

1111

humour. If you know anyone who is gay, beguiling and amusing, you will, if you are wise, do everything you can to make him prefer your house and your table to any other; for where he is, the successful party is also. What he says is of no matter, it is the twist he gives to it, the intonation, the personality he puts into his quip or retort or observation that delights his hearers, and in his case the ordinary rules do not apply. Eugene Field could tell a group of people that it had rained to-day and would probably rain tomorrow, and make everyone burst into laughter-or tears if he choseaccording to the way it was said. But the ordinary rest of us must, if we would be thought sympathetic, intelligent or aglf.~eable, "go fishing." GOING FISHING FOR TOPICS

The cha rming talker is neither more nor less than a fisherman. (F isherwoman rather, since in America women make more effort to be agreeable than men do.) Sitting next to a stranger she wonders which "fly" she had better choose to interest him. She offers one topic; not much of a nibble. So she tries another or perhaps a third before he "rises" to the bait. The Door Slammers

There are people whose idea of conversation is contradiction and flat statement. Finding yourself next to one of these, you venture: "Have you seen any good plays lately?" "No, hate the theater." "Which team are you for in the series?" "Neither. Only an idiot could be interested in baseball." "Country must have a good many idiots!" mockingly. "Obviously it has." Full stop. In desperation you veer to the personal. "I've never seen Mrs. Bobo Gilding as beautiful as she is to-night." "Nothing beautiful about her. As for the name 'Bobo,' it's asinine." "Oh, it's just one of those children's names that stick sometimes for life." "Perfect rot. Ought to be called

~L-________________________________C~o~n~v~er~sa~t~io~n

by his name," etc. Another, not very different in type though different in method, is the self-appointed instructor whose proper place is on the lecture platform, not at a dinner table. "The earliest coins struck in the Peloponnesus were stamped on one side only; their alloy .... " etc. Another is the expounder of the obvious: "Have you ever noticed," says he, deeply thinking, "how people's tastes differ?" Then there is the vulgarian of fulsome compliment: "Why are you so beautiful? It is not fair to the others .... " and so on. TACTLESS BLUNDERERS

Tactless people are also legion. The means-to-beagreeable elderly man says to a passee acquaintance, "Twenty years ago you were the prettiest woman jn town"; or in the pleasantest tone of voice to one whose only son has married. "Why is it, do you suppose, that young wives always dislike their mothers-in-law?" If you have any ambition to be sought after in society you must not talk about the unattractiveness of old age to the elderly, about the joys of dancing and skating to the lame, or about the: advantages of ancestry to the self-made. It is also dangerous, as well as needlessly unkind, to ridicule or criticize others, especially for what they can't help. If a young woman's familiar or otherwise lax behaviour deserves censure, a casual unflattering remark may not add to your own popularity if your listener is a relative, but you can at least, without being shamefaced, stand by your guns. On the other hand to say needlessly "What an ugly girl!" or "What a half-wit that boy is!" can be of no·value except in drawing attention to your own tactlessness. The young girl who admired her own facile adjectives said to a casual acquaintance: "How can you go about with that moth-eaten, squint-eyed, bag of a girl!" "Because," answered the youth whom she had intended to dazzle, "the lady of your flattering epithets happens to be my sister." It is scarcely necessary to say that one whose tactless remarks

Conversation

!1i3"

ride rough-shod over the feelings of others, is not welcomed by many. THE BORE

A bore is said to be "one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself!" which is superficially true enough, but a bore might more accurately be described as one who is interested in what does not interest you, and insists that you share his enthusiasm, in spite of your disinclination. To the bore life holds no dullness; every subject is of unending delight. A story told for the thousandth time has not lost its thdl; every tiresome detail is held up and turned about as a mursel of delectableness; to him each pea in a pod differs fwm another with the entrancing variety that artists find in tlOpical sunsets. On the other hand, to be bored is a b1.d habit, and one only too easy to fall into. As a matter of fac, it is impossible, almost, to meet anyone who has not somethlt'g of interest to tell you if you are but clever enough yourself to find out what it is. There are certain always delightful people who refuse to be bored. Their attitude is that no sul'ject need ever be utterly uninteresting, so long as it is disCl ')sed for the first time. Repetition alone is deadly dull. Beside~, what is the matter with trying to be agreeable yourself? 1\ ot too agreeable. Alas! it is true: "Be polite to bores and so hall you have bores always round about you." Furthermore, there is no reason why you should ;'e bored when you can be otherwise. But if you find yourself sitting in the hedgerow with nothing but weeds, there is no reason for shutting your eyes and seeing nothing, instead . of finding what beauty you may in the weeds. To put it cynically, life is too short to waste it in drawing blanks. Therefore, it is up to you to find as many pictures to put on your blank pages as possible. IMPORTANT DETAIL'S OF SPEECH IN CONVERSATION

Unless you wish to stamp yourself a person who has

~~_________________________________C_o_n_v_er_s_at_io_n_

never been out of "provincial" society, never speak of your husband as "Mr." except to an inferior. Mrs. Worldly for instance in talking with a stranger would say "my husband," and to a friend, meaning one not only whom she calls by her first name, but anyone on her "dinner list," she says, "Dick thought the play amusing" or "Dick said - -" . This does not give her listener the privilege of calling him "Dick." The listener in return speaks of her own husband as "Tom" even if he is seventy-unless her hearer is a very young person (either man or woman), when she would say "my husband." Never "Mr. Older." To call your husband Mr. means that you consider the person you are talking to, beneath you in station. Mr. Worldly in the same way speaks of Mrs. Worldly as "my wife" to a gentleman, or "Edith" in speaking to a lady. Always. In speaking about other people, one says "Mrs.," "Miss" or "Mr." as the case may be. It is bad form to go about saying "Edith Worldly" or "Ethel Norman" to those who do not call them Edith or Ethel, and to speak thus familiarly of one whom you do not call by her first name, is unforgivable. It is also effrontery for a younger person to call an older by her or his first name, without being asked to do so. Only a very underbred, thick-skinned person would attempt it. Also you must not take your conversation "out of the drawing-room." Operations, ills or personal blemishes, details and appurtenances of the dressing-loom, for instance, are neither suitable nor pleasant topics, nor are personal jokes in good taste. THE "OMNISCIENCE" OF THE VERY RICH

Why a man, because he has millions, should assume that they confer omniscience in all branches of knowledge, is something which may be left to the psychologist to answer, but most of those thrown much in contact with millionaires will agree that an attitude of infallibility is typical of a fair majority. A professor who has devoted his life to a subject modestly. makes a statement. "You are all

Conversation

rti5"

wrong," says the man of millions, "It is this way - -". As a connoisseur he seems to think that because he can pay for anything he fancies, he is accredited expert as well as potential owner. Topics he does not care for are "bosh," those which he has a smattering of, he simply appropriates; his prejudices are, in his opinion, expert criticism; his taste impeccable; his judgment infallible; and to him the world is a pleasance built for his sole pleasuring. But to the rest of us who also have to live in it with as much harmony as we can, such persons are certainly elephants at large in the garden. We can sometimes induce them to pass through gently, but they are just as likely at any moment to pull up our fences and push the house itself over on our defenseless heads. There are countless others of course, very often the richest of all, who are authoritative in all they profess, who are experts and connoisseurs, who are human and helpful and above everything respecters of the garden enclosure of others. DANGERS TO BE AVOIDED In conversation the dangers are very much the same as those to be avoided in writing letters. Talk about things which you think will be agreeable to your hearer. Don't dilate on ills, misfortune, or other unpleasantnesses. The one in greatest danger of making enemies is the man or woman of brilliant wit. If sharp, wit is apt to produce a feeling of mistrust even while it stimulates. Furthermore the applause which follows every witty sally becomes in time breath to the nostrils, and perfectly well-intentioned people, who mean to say nothing unkind, in the flash of a second "see a point," and in the next second, score it with no more power to resist than a drug addict ' can resist a dose put into his han~. The mimic is a joy to his present company, but the eccentric mannerism of one is much easier to imitate than the charm of another, and the subjects of the habitual mimic

~~________________________________·_C~o~n~v~er~s~at~io~ll

are all too apt to become his enemies. You need not, however, be dull because you refrain from the rank habit of a critical attitude, which like a weed will grow all over the place if you let it have half a chance. A very good resolve to make and keep, if you would also keep any friends you make, is never to speak of anyone without, in imagination, having them overhear what you say. One often hears the exclamation "I would say it to her face!" At least be very sure that this is true, and not a braggart's phrase and then-nine times out of ten think better of it and refrain. Preaching is all very well in a textbook, schoolroom or pulpit, but it has no place in society. Society is supposed to be a pleasa1(t place; telling people disagreeable things to their faces or behind their backs is not a pleasant occupation. Do not be too apparently clever if you would be popular. The cleverest woman is she who, in talking to a man, makes him see.in clever. This was Mme. Recamier's great charm. The faults of commission are far more seridus than those of omission; regrets are seldom for what you left unsaid. The chatterer reveals every corner of his shallow mind; one who keeps silent can not have his depth plumbed. Don't pretend to know more than you do. To s~y you have read a book and then seemingly to understand nothing of what you have read, proves you a half-wit. Only the very small mind hesitates to say "I don't know." Above all, stop and think what you are saying! This is really the first, last and only rule. If you "stop" you can't chatter or expound or flounder ceaselessly, and if you think, you will find a topiC· and a manner of presenting your topic so that your neighbour will be interested rather than long-suffering. Remember also that the sympathetic (not apathetic) listener is the delight of delights. The person who looks glad to see you, who is seemingly eager for your news, or enthralled with your conversation; who looks at you with a kindling of the face, and gives you spontaneous and

Conversation

f117

undivided attention, is the one to whom the palm for the art of conversation would undoubtedly be awarded. CARDS AND VISITS USEFULNESS OF CARDS WHO was it that said-in the Victorian era probably, and a man of course-"The only mechanical tool ever needed by a woman is a hair-pin"? He might have added that with a hair-pin and a visiting card, she is ready to meet most emergencies. Although the principal use of a visiting card, at least the one for which it was originally inventedto be left as an evidence of one person's presence at the house of another-is going gradually out of ardent favour in fashionable circles, its usefulness seems to keep a nicely adjusted balance. In New York, for instance, the visiting card has entirely taken the place of the written note of invitation to informal parties of every description. Messages of condolence or congratulation are written on it; it is used as an endorsement in the giving of an order; it is even tacked on the outside of express boxes. The only employment of it which is not as flourishing as formerly is its being left in quantities and with frequency at the doors of acquaintances. This will be explained further on. Card's Size And Engraving

The card of a lady is usually from about 2 3/4 to 3 1/2 inches wide, by 2 to 2 3/4 inches high, but there is no fixed rule. The card of a young girl is smaller and more nearly square in shape. (About 2 inches high by 21/2 or 2 5/8 inches long, depending upon the length of the name.) Young girls use smaller cards than older ladies. A gentleman's card is long and narrow, from 27/8 to 31/4 inches long, and from 1 1/4 to 1 5/8 inches high. All visiting cards are engraved on white unglazed bristol board, which may be of medium thickness or thin, as one fancies. A few years ago there was

~~_________________________________C_o_n_v_er_s_at_io__ n

a fad for cards as thin as writing paper, but one seldom sees them in America now. The advantage of a thin card is that a greater quantity may be carried easily. The engraving most in use to-day is shaded block. Script is seldom seen, but it is always good form and so is plain block, but with the exception of old English all ornate lettering should be avoided. All people who live in cities should have the address in the lower right corner, engraved in smaller letters than the name. In the country, addresses are not important, as everyone knows where everyone else lives. People who have town and country houses usually have separate cards, though not necessarily a separate plate. ECONOMICAL ENGRAVING

The economically inclined can have several varieties of cards printed from one plate. The cards would vary somewhat in size in order to "centre" the wording. Miss Gilding's name should never appear on a card with both her mother's and father's, so her name being out of line under the "Mr. and Mrs." engraving makes no difference. The personal card is in a measure an index of one's character. A fantastic or garish note in the type effect, in the quality or shape of the card, betrays a lack of taste in the owner of the card. It is not customary for a married man to have a club address on his card, and it would be serviceable only in giving a card of introduction to a business acquaintance, under social rather than business circumstances, or in paying a formal call upon a political or business associate. Unmarried men often use no other address than that of a club; especially if they live in bachelor's quarters, but young men who live at home use their home address. CORRECT NAMES AND TITLES

To be impeccably correct, initials should not be engraved on a visiting card. A gentleman'S card should read: Mr. John Hunter Titherington Smith, but since names

Conversation

rm

are sometimes awkwardly long, and it is the American custom to cling to each and everyone given in baptism, he asserts his possessions by representing each one with an initial, and engraves his cards Mr. John H. T. Smith, or Mr. J. H. Titherington Smith, as suits his fancy. So, although, according to high authorities, he should drop a name or two and be Mr. Hunter Smith, or Mr. Titherington Smith, it is very likely that to the end of time the American man, and necessarily his wife, who must use the name as he does, will go on cherishing initials. And a widow no less than a married woman should always continue to use her husband's Christian name, or his name and another initial, engraved on her cards. She is Mrs. John Hunter Titherington Smith, or, to compromise, Mrs. J. H. Titherington Smith, but she is never Mrs. Sarah Smith; at least not anywhere in good society. In business and in legal matters a woman is necessarily addressed by her own Christian name, because she uses it in her signature. But no one should ever address an envelope, except from a bank or a lawyer'S office, "Mrs. Sarah Smith." When a widow's son, who has the name of his father, marries, the widow has Sr. added to her own name, or if she is the "head" of the family, she very often omits all Christian names, and has her card engraved "Mrs. Smith," and the son's wife calls herself Mrs. John Hunter Smith. Smith is not a very good name as an example, since no one could very well claim the distinction of being the Mrs. Smith. It, however, illustrates the point. For the daughter-in-law to continue to use a card with Jr. on it when her husband no longer uses Jr. on his, is a mistake made by many people. A wife always bears the name of her husband. To have a man and his mother use cards engraved respectively Mr. J. H. Smith and Mrs. J. H. Smith and the son's wife a card engraved Mrs. J. H. Smith, Jr., would announce to whomever the three cards were left upon, that Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their daughter-in-law had called. The cards of a young girl after she is sixteen have always "Miss" before

12m~

_________________________________C=o~n~v~er~s~at~io~n~

her name, which must be her real and never a nick-name: Miss Sarah Smith, not Miss Sally Smith. The fact that a man's name has "Jr." added at the end in no way takes the place of "Mr." His card should be engraved Mr. John Hunter Smith, Jr., and his wife's Mrs. John Hunter Smith, Jr. Some people have the "Jr." written out, "junior." It is not spelled with a capital J if written in full. A boy puts Mr. on his cards when he leaves school though many use cards without Mr. on them while in college. A doctor, or a judge, or a minister, or a military officer has their cards engraved with the abbreviation of their title: Dr. Henry Gordon; Judge Horace Rush; The Rev. William Goode; Col. Thomas Doyle. The double card reads: Dr. and Mrs. Henry Gordon; Hon. and Mrs., etc. A woman who has divorced her husband retains the legal as well as the social right to use her husband's full name, in New York State at least. Usually she prefers, if her name was Alice Green, to call herself Mrs. Green Smith; not Mrs. Alice Smith, and on no account Mrs. Alice Green-unless she wishes to give the impression that she was the guilty one in the divorce. CHILDREN'S CARDS

That very little children should have visiting cards is not so "silly" as might at first thought be supposed. To acquire perfect manners, and those graces of deportment that Lord Chesterfield so ardently tried to instill into his son, training can not begin early enough, since it is through lifelong familiarity with the niceties of etiquette that much of the distinction of those to the manner born is acquired. Many mothers think it good training for children to have their own cards, which they are taught not so much to leave upon each other after "parties," as to send with gifts upon various occasions. At the rehearsal of a wedding, the tiny twin flower girls came carrying their wedding present for the bride between them, to which they had themselves attached their own

Conversation

rut

small visiting cards. One card was bordered and engraved in pink, and the other bordered and engraved in blue, and the address on each read "Chez Maman." And in going to see a new baby cousin each brought a small 1830 bouquet, and sent to their aunt their cards, on which, after seeing the baby, one had printed "He is very little," and the other, "It has a red face." This shows that if modern society believes in beginning social training in the nursery, it does not believe in hampering a child's natural expression. SPECIAL CARDS AND WHEN TO USE THEM

The double card, reading Mr. and Mrs., is sent with a wedding present, or with flowers to a funeral, or with flowers to a debutante, and is also used in paying formal visits. The card on which a debutante's name is engraved under that of her mother, is used most frequently when no coming-out entertainment has been given for the daughter. Her n::tme on her mother's card announces, wherever it is left, that the daughter is "grown" and "eligible" for invitations. In the same way a mother may leave her son's card with her own upon any of her own friends-especially upon those likely to entertain for young people. This is the custom if a young man has been away at school and college for so long that he has not a large acquaintance of his own. It is, however, correct under any circumstances when formally leaving cards to leave those of all sons and daughters who are grown. THE P. P. C. CARD

This is merely a visiting card, whether of a lady or a gentleman, on which the initials P. P. C. (pour prendre congeto take leave) are written in ink in the lower left corner. This is usually left at the door, or sent by mail to acquaintances, when one is leaving for the season, or for good. It never takes the place of a farewell visit when one has received especial courtesy, nor is it in any sense a message of thanks for especial kindness. In either of these

~~__________________________~_____C~o~n~v~er~s~a~tio~n~

instances, a visit should be paid or a note of farewell and thanks written. Cards

of New or Temporary Address

In cities where there is no Social Register or other printed society list, one notifies acquaintances of a change of address by mailing a visiting card. Cards are also sent, with a temporary address written in ink, wh~n one is in a strange city and wishes to notify friends where one is stopping. It is a!so quite correct for a lady to mail her card with her temporary address written on it to any gentleman whom she would care to see, and who she is sure would like to see her. When Cards Are Sent

When not intending to go to a tea or a wedding reception (the invitation to which did not have R. s. v. p. on it and require an answer), one should mail cards to the hostess so as to arrive on the morning of the entertainment. THE VISIT OF EMPTY FORM

Not so many years ago, a lady or gentleman, young girl or youth, who failed to pay her or his "party call" after having been invited to Mrs. Social-Leader's ball was left out of her list when she gave her next one. For the old:..fashioned hostess kept her visiting list with the precision of a bookkeeper in a bank; everyone's credit was entered or cancelled according to the presence of her or his cards in the card receiver. Young people who liked to be asked to her house were apt to leave an extra one at the door, on occasion, so that theirs should not be among the missing when the new list for the season was made up-especially as the more important old ladies were very quick to strike a name off, but seldom if ever known to put one back. But about twenty years ago the era of informality set in and has been gaining ground ever since. In certain cities old-fashioned hostesses, it is said, exclude delinquents. But

Conversation

f123

New York is too exotic and intractable, and the too exacting hostess is likely to find her tapestried rooms rather empty, while the younger world of fashion flocks to the crystalfountained ballroom of the new Spend easy Westerns. And then, too, life holds so many other diversions and interests for the very type of youth which of necessity is the vital essence of all social gaiety. Society can have distinction and dignity without youth-but not gaiety. The country with its outdoor sports, its freedom from exacting conventions, has gradually deflected the interest of the younger fashionables, until at present they care very little whether Mrs. Toplofty and Mrs. Social-Leader ask them to their balls or not. They are glad enough to go, of course, but they don't care enough for invitations to pay dull visits and to live up to the conventions of "manners" that old-fashioned hostesses demand. And as these "rebels" are invariably the most attractive and the most eligible youths, it has become almost an issue; a hostess must in many cases either invite none but older people and the few young girls and men whose mothers have left cards for them, or ignore convention and invite the rebels. In trying to find out where the present indifference started, many ascribe it to Bobo Gilding, to whom entering a great drawing-room was more suggestive of the daily afternoon tea ordeal of his early nursery days, than a voluntary act of pleasure. He was long ago one of the first to rebel against old Mrs. Toplofty's exactions of party calls, by saying he did not care in the least whether his greataunt Jane Toplofty invited him to her stodgy old ball or not. And then Lucy Wellborn (the present Mrs. Bobo Gilding) did not care much to go either if none of her particular men friends were to be there. Little she cared to dance the cotillion with old Colonel Bluffington or to go to supper with that odious Hector Newman. And so, beginning first with a few gilded youths, then including young society, the habit has spread until the obligatory paying of visits by young girls and men has

~L_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _C~o~n~v~er~s~at~io~n

almost joined the once universal "day at home" as belonging to a past age. Do not understand by this that visits are never paid on other occasions. Visits to strangers, visits of condolence, and of other courtesies are still paid, quite as punctiliously as ever. But within the walls of society itself, the visit of formality is decreasing. One might almost say that in certain cities society has become a family affair. Its walls are as high as ever, higher perhaps to outsiders, but among its own members, such customs as keeping visiting lists and having days at home, or even knowing who owes a visit to whom, is not only unobserved but is unheard of. But because punctilious card-leaving, visiting, and "days at home" have gone out of fashion in New York, is no reason why these really important observances should not be, or are not, in the height of fashion elsewhere. Nor, on the other hand, must anyone suppose because the younger fashionables in New York pay few visits and never have days at home, that they are a bit less careful about the things which they happen to consider essential to goodbreeding. The best type of young men pay few, if any, party calls, because they work and they exercise, and whatever time is left over, if any, is spent in their club or at the house of a young woman, not tete-a-tete, but invariably playing bridge. The Sunday afternoon visits that the youth of another generation used always to pay, are unknown in this, because every man who can~ spends the week-end in the country. It is scarcely an exaggeration to say that not alone men, but many young married women of highest social position, except to send with flowers or wedding presents, do not use a dozen visiting cards a year. But there are circumstances when even the most indifferent to social obligations must leave cards.

WHEN CARDS MUST BE LEFT Etiquette absolutely demands that one leave a card within a few days after taking a first meal in a lady's house;

Conversation

~

or if one has for the first time been invited to lunch or dine with strangers, it is inexcusably rude not to leave a card upon them, whether one accepted the invitation or not. One must also unfailingly return a first call, even if one does not care for the acquaintance. Only a real cause" can excuse the affront to an innocent stranger that the refusal to return a first call would imply. If one does not care to continue the acquaintance, one need not pay a second visit. Also a card is always left with a first invitation. Supposing Miss Philadelphia takes a letter of introduction to Mrs. Newport-Mrs. Newport, inviting Miss Philadelphia to her house, would not think of sending her invitation without also leaving her card. Good form demands that a visit be paid before issuing a first invitation. Sometimes a note of explanation is sent asking that the formality be waived, but it is never disregarded, except in the case of an invitation from an older lady to a young girl. Mrs. Worldly, for instance, who has known Jim Smartlington always, might, instead of calling on Mary Smith, to whom his engagement is announced, write her a note, asking her to lunch or dinner. But in inviting Mrs. Greatlake of Chicago she would leave her card with her invitation at Mrs. Greatlake's hotel. It seems scarcely necessary to add that anyone not entirely heartless must leave a card on, or send flowers to, an acquaintance who has suffered a recent bereavement. One should also leave cards of inquiry or send flowers to sick people. II

INVITATION IN PLACE OF RETURNED VISIT

Books on etiquette seem agreed that sending an invitation does not cancel the obligation of paying a visitwhich may be technically correct-but fashionable people, who are in the habit of lunching or dining with each other two or three times a season, pay no attention to visits whatever. Mrs. Norman calls on Mrs. Gilding. Mrs. Gilding invites the Normans to dinner. They go. A sb.ort time afterward Mrs. Norman invites the Gildings-or the

~~_________________________________C_o_n_v_er~s_at_io_l_1

Gildings very likely again invite the Normans. Some evening at all events, the Gildings dine with the Normans. Someday, if Mrs. Gilding happens to be leaving cards, she may leave them at the Normans-or she may not. Some people leave cards almost like the "hares" in a paper chase; others seldom if ever do. Except on the occasions mentioned in the paragraph before this, or unless there is an illness, a death, a birth, or a marriage, people in society invite each other to their houses and don't leave cards at all. Nor do they ever consider whose "turn" it is to invite whom. "NOT AT HOME"

When a servant at a door says "Not at home," this phrase means that the lady of the house is "Not at home to visitors." This answer neither signifies nor implies-nor is it intended to-that Mrs. Jones is out of the house. Some people say "Not receiving," which means actually the same thing, but the "not at home" is infinitely more polite; since in the former you know she is in the house but won't see you, whereas in the latter case you have the pleasant uncertainty that it is quite possible she is out. To be told "Mrs. Jones is at home but doesn't want to see you," would certainly be unpleasant. And to "beg to be excused" -except in a case of illness or bereavement-has something very suggestive of a cold shoulder. But "not at home" means that she is not sitting in the drawing room behind her tea tray; that and nothing else. She may be out or she may be lying down or otherwise occupied. Nor do people of the world find the slightest objection if a hostess, happening to recognize the visitor as a particular friend, calls out, "Do come in! I am at home to you!" Anyone who talks about this phrase as being a "white lie" either doesn't understand the meaning of the words, or is going very far afield to look for untruth. To be consistent, these over-literals should also exact that when a guest inadvertently knocks over a tea cup and stains a sofa, the hostess instead of saying "It is nothing at all! Please don't

Conversation ~

worry about it," ought for the sake of truth to say, "See what your clumsiness has done! You have ruined my sofa!" And when someone says "How are you?" instead of answering "Very well, thank you," the same truthful one should perhaps take an hour by the clock and mention every symptom of indisposition that she can accurately subscribe to. While "not at home" is merely a phrase of politeness, to say "I am out" after a card has been brought to you is both an untruth and an inexcusable rudeness. Or to have an inquiry answered, "I don't know, but I'll see," and then to have the servant, after taking a card, come back with the message "Mrs. Jones is out" can not fail to make the visitor feel rebuffed. Once a card has been admitted, the visitor must be admitted also, no matter how inconvenient receiving her may be. You may send a message that you are dressing but will be very glad to see her if she can wait ten minutes. The visitor can either wait or say she is pressed for time. But if she does not wait, then she is rather discourteous. Therefore, it is of the utmost import~nce always to leave directions at the door such as, "Mrs. Jones is not at home." "Miss Jones will be home at five o'clock," "Mrs. Jones will be home at 5.30," or Mrs. Jones "is at home" in the library to intimate friends, but "not at home" in the drawing-room to acquaintances. It is a nuisance to be obliged to remember either to turn an "in" and "out" card in the hall, or to ring a bell and say, "I am going out," and again, "I have come in." But whatever plan or arrangement you choose, no one at your front door should be left in doubt and then repulsed. It is not only bad manners, it is bad houseke(}ping. THE OLD-FASHIONED DAY AT HOME It is doubtful if the present generation of New Yorkers

knows what a day at home is! But their mothers, at least, remember the time when the fashionable districts were divided into regular sections, wherein on a given day in the week, the whole neighborhood was" at home." Friday

~~________________________________C~o_n_v~er_sa_t_io__ n

sounds familiar as the day for Washington Square! And was it Monday for lower Fifth Avenue? At all events, each neighborhood on the day of its own, suggested a local fete. Ladies in visiting dresses with trains and bonnets anq floseveils and tight gloves, holding card cases, tripped demurely into this house, out of that, and again into another; and there w~re always many broughams and victorias slowly "exercising" up and down, and very smart footmen standing with maroon or tan or fur rugs over their arms in front of Mrs. Wellborn's house or Mrs. Oldname's, or the big house of Mrs. Toplofty at the corner of Fifth A venue. It must have been enchanting to be a grown person in those days! Enchanting also were the C-spring victorias, as was life in general that was taken at a slow carriage pace and not at the motor speed of to-day. The "day at home" is still inlashion in Washington, and it is ardently to be hoped that it also flourishes in many cities and towns throughout the country or that it will be revived, for it is a delightful custom - though more in keeping with Europe than America, which does not care for gentle paces once it has tasted swift. A certain young New York hostess announced that she was going to stay home on Saturday afternoons. But the men went to the country and the women to the opera, and she gave it up. There are a few old-fashioned ladies, living in oldfashioned houses, and still staying at home in the oldfashioned way to old-fashioned friends who for decades has dropped in for a cup of tea and a chat. And there are two maiden ladies in particular, joint chatelaines of an imposingly beautiful old house where, on a certain afternoon of the week, if you come in for tea, you are sure to meet not alone those prominent in the world of fashion, but a fair admixture of artists, scientists, authors, inventors, distinguished strangers - in a word Best Society in its truest sense. But days at home such as these are not easily duplicated; for few houses possess a "salon" atmosphere, and few hostesses achieve either the social talent or the wide

Conversation

rm

cultivation necessary to attract and interest so varied and brilliant a company. MODERN CARD LEAVING

The modern New York fashion in card-leaving is to dash as fast as possible from house to house, sending the chauffeur up the steps with cards, without ever asking if anyone is horne. Some butlers announce "Not at horne" from force of habit even when no question is asked. There are occasions when the visitors must ask to see the hostess; but cards are left without asking whether a lady is at horne under the following circumstances: Cards are left on the mother of the bride, after a wedding, also on the mother of the groom. Cards are also left after any formal invitation. Having been asked to lunch or dine with a lady whom you know but slightly you should leave your card whether you accepted the invitation or not, within three days if possible, or at least within a week, of the date for which you were invited. It is not considered necessary (in New York at least) to ask if she is at horne; promptness in leaving your card is, in this instance, better manners than delaying your "party call" and asking if she is at horne. This matter of asking at the door is one that depends upon the customs of each State and city, but as it is always wiser to err on the side of politeness, it is the better policy, if in doubt, to ask "ls Mrs. Blank at horne?" rather than to run the risk of offending a lady who may like to see visitors. A card is usually left with a first invitation to a stranger who has brought a letter of introduction, but it is more polite-even though not necessary-to ask to be received. Some ladies make it a habit to leave a card on everyone on their visiting list once a season. It is correct for the mother of a debutante to leave her card as well as her daughter's on every lady who has invited the daughter to her house, and a courteous hostess returns all of these pasteboard

~~________________________________'_C_o_n_v_er~s_at_io_n_

visits. But neither visit necessitates closer or even further acquaintance. VISITS WHICH EVERYONE MUST PAY

Paying visits differs from leaving cards in that you must ask to be received. A visit of condolence should be paid at once to a friend when a death occurs in her immediate family. A lady does not call on a gentleman, but writes him a note of sympathy. In going to inquire for sick people, you should ask to be received, and it is always thoughtful to take them gifts of books or fruit or flowers. If a relative announces his engagement, you must at once go to see his fiancee. Should she be out, you do not ask to see her mother. You do, however, leave a card upon both ladies and you ask to see her mother if received by the daughter. A visit of congratulation is also paid to a new mother and a gift invariably presented to the baby. MESSAGES WRITTEN ON CARDS

"With sympathy" or "With deepest sympathy" is written on your visiting card with flowers sent to a funeral. This same message is written on a card and left at the door of a house of mourning, if you do not know the family well enough to ask to be received. "To inquire" is often written on a card left at the house of a sick person, but not if you are received. In going to see a friend who is visiting a lady whom you do not know, whether you should leave a card on the hostess as well as on your friend depends upon the circumstances; if the hostess is one who is socially prominent and you are unknown, it would be better taste not to leave a card on her, since your card afterward found without explanation might be interpreted as an uncalledfor visit made in an attempt for a place on her list. If, on the other hand, she is the unknown person and you are the prominent one, your card is polite, but unwise unless you mean to include her name on your list. But if

Conversation

rill

she is one with whom you have many interests in common, then you may very properly leave a card for her. In leaving a card on a lady stopping at a hotel or living in an apartment house, you should write her name in pencil across the top of your card, to insure its being given to her, and not to some one else. At the house of a lady whom you know well and whom you are sorry not to find at home, it is "friendly" to write "Sorry not to see you!" or "So sorry to miss you!" Turning down a corner of a visiting card is by many intended to convey that the visit is mzant for all the ladies in the family. Other people mean merely to show that the card was left at the door in person and not sent in an envelope. Other people turn them down from force of habit and mean nothing whatever. But whichever the reason, more cards are bent or dog-eared than are left flat. ENGRAVED CARDS ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENT, BAD FORM

-

Someone somewhere asked whether or not to answer an engraved card announcing an engagement. The answer can have nothing to do with etiquette, since an engraved announcement is unknown to good society. When People See Their Friends

Five o'clock is the informal hour when people are "at home" to friends. The correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal visits is between 3.30 and 4.30. One should hesitate to pay a visit at the "tea hour" unless one is sure of one's welcome among the "intimates" likely to be found around the hostess's tea-table. Many ladies make it their practise to be home if possible at five o'clock, and their friends who know them well come in at that time. INFORMAL VISITING OFTEN ARRANGED BY TELEPHONE

For instance, instead of ringing her door-bell, Mrs.

~L_________________________________C~o~n~v~er~s_at~io~n~

Norman calls Mrs. Kindhart on the telephone: "I haven't seen you for weeks! Won't you come in to tea, or to lunch just you." Mrs. Kindhart answers, "Yes, I'd love to. I can come this afternoon"; and five o'clock finds them together over the tea-table. In the same way young Struthers calls up Millicent Gilding, "Are you going to be in this afternoon?" She says, "Yes, but not until a quarter of six." He says, "Fine, I'll come then." Or she says, "I'm so sorry, I'm playing bridge with Pauline- but I'll be in tomorrow!" He says, "All right, I'll come to-morrow." The younger people rarely ever go to see each other without first telephoning. Or since even young people seldom meet except for bridge, most likely it is Millicent Gilding who telephones the Struthers youth to ask if he can't possibly get uptown before five o'clock to make a fourth with Mary and Jim and herself. HOW A FIRST VISIT IS MADE

In very large cities, neighbors seldom call on each other. But if strangers move into a neighborhood in a small town or in the country, or at a watering-place, it is not only unfriendly but uncivil for their neighbors not to call on them. The older residents always call on the newer. And the person of greatest social prominence should make the first visit, or at least invite the younger or less prominent one to call on her; which the younger should promptly do. Or two ladies of equal age or position may either one say, "I wish you would come to see me." To which the other replies "I will with pleasure." More usually the first one offers "I should like to come to see you, if I may." And the other, of course, answers "I shall be delighted if you will." The first one, having suggested going to see the second, is bound in politeness to do so, otherwise she implies that the acquaintance on second thought seems distasteful to her. Everyone invited to a wedding should call upon the bride

Conversation

Ii33

on her return from the honeymoon. And when a man marries a girl from a distant place, courtesy absolutely demands that his friends and neighbors call on her as soon as she arrives in her new home. ON OPENING THE DOOR TO A VISITOR

On the hall table in every house, there should be a small silver, or other card tray, a pad and a pencil. The nicest kind of pad is one that when folded, makes its own envelope, so that a message when written need not be left open. There are all varieties and sizes at all stationers. When the doorbell rings, the servant on duty, who can easily see the chauffeur or lady approaching, should have the card tray ready to present, on the palm of the left hand. A servant at the door must never take the cards in his or her fingers. -

CORRECT NUMBER OF CARDS TO LEAVE

When the visitor herself rings the door-bell and the message is "not at home," the butler or maid proffers the card tray on which the visitor lays a card of her own and her daughter's for each lady in the house and a card of her husband's and son's for each lady and gentleman. But three is the greatest number ever left of anyone card. In calling on Mrs. Town, who has three grown daughters and her mother living in the house, and a Mrs. Stranger staying with her whom the visitor was invited to a luncheon to meet, a card on each would need a packet of six. Instead, the visitor should leave three-one for Mrs. Town, one for all the other ladi~ of the house, and one for Mrs. Stranger. In asking to be received, her query at the door should be "Are any of the ladies at home?" Or in merely leaving her cards she should say "For all of the ladies." WHEN THE CALLER LEAVES

The butler or maid must stand with the front door open until a visitor re-enters her motor, or if she is walking, until she has reached the sidewalk. It is bad manners ever to close

~L-________________________________C~o~n~v~el~'s~at~io~1l

the door in a visitor's face. When a chauffeur leaves cards, the door may be closed as soon as he turns away. WHEN THE LADY OF THE HOUSE IS AT HOME

When the door is opened by a waitress or a parlor-maid and the mistress of the house is in the drawing-room, the maid says "This way, please," and leads the way. She goes as quickly as possible to present the card tray. The guest, especially if a stranger, lags in order to give the hostess time to read the name on the card. The maid meanwhile moves aside, to make room for the approaching visitor, who goes forward to shake hands with the hostess. If a butler is at the door, he reads the card himself, picking it up from the tray, and opening the door of the drawing-room announces: "Mrs. Soandso," after which he puts the card on the hall table. The duration of a formal visit should be in the neighborhood of twenty minutes. But if other visitors are announced, the first one-on a very formal occasion-may cut her visit shorter. Or if conversation becomes especially interesting, the visit may be prolonged five minutes or so. On no account must a visitor stay an hour! A hostess always rises when a visitor enters, unless the visitor is a very young woman or man and she herself elderly, or unless she is seated behind the tea-table so that rising is difficult. She should, however, always rise and go forward to meet a lady much older than herself; but she never rises from her tea-table to greet a man, unless he is quite old. If the lady of the house is "at home" but upstairs, the servant at the door leads the visitor into the reception room, saying "Will you take a seat, please?" and then carries the card to the mistress of the house. On an exceptional occasion, such as paying a visit of condolence or inquiring for a convalescent, when the question as to whether he will be received is necessarily doubtful, a gentleman does not take off his coat or gloves, but waits in the reception room with his hat in his hand. When the servant returning says

Conversation

f135

either "Will you come this way, please?" or "Mrs. Town is not well enough to see anyone, but Miss Alice will be down in a moment," the visitor divests himself of his coat and gloves, which the servant carries, as well as his hat, out to the front hall. As said before, few men pay visits without first telephoning. But perhaps two or three times during a winter a young man, when he is able to get away from his office in time, will make a tea-time visit upon a hostess who has often invited him to dinner or to her opera box. Under ordinary circumstances, however, some woman member of his family leaves his card for him after a dinner or a dance, or else it is not left at all. A gentleman paying visits, always asks if the hostess is at home. If she is, he leaves his hat and stick in the hall and also removes and leaves his gloves-and rubbers should he be wearing them. If the hour is between five and half-past, the hostess is inevitably at her tea-table, in the library, to which, if he is at all well known to the servant at the door, he is at once shown without being first asked to wait in the reception room. A gentleman entering a room in which there are several people who are strangers, shakes hands with his hostess and slightly bows to all the others, whether he knows them personally or not. He, of course, shakes hands with any who are friends, and with all men to whom he is introduced, but with a lady only if she offers him her hand. HOW TO ENTER A DRAWING-ROOM

To know how to enter a drawing-room is supposed to be one of the supreme tests of good breeding. But there should be no more difficulty in entering the drawing-room of Mrs. Worldly than in entering the sitting-room at home. Perhaps the best instruction would be like that in learning to swim. "Take plenty of time, don't struggle and don't splash about!" Good manners socially are not unlike swimming-not the "crawl" or "overhand," but smooth, tranquil swimming. (Quite probably where the expression

~~_________________________________C_O_l_lv_er_s_at_io_l_l

"in the swim" came from anyway!) Before actually entering a room, it is easiest to pause long enough to see where the hostess is. Never start forward and then try to find her as an afterthought. The place to pause is on the threshold-not half-way in the room. The way not to enter a drawing-room is to dart forward and then stand awkwardly bewildered and looking about in every direction. A man of the world stops at the entrance of the room for a scarcely perceptible moment, until he perceives the most unencumbered approach to the hostess, and he thereupon walks over to her. When he greets his hostess he pauses slightly, the hostess smiles and offers her hand; the gentleman smiles and shakes hands, at the same time bowing. A lady shakes hands with the hostess and with everyone she knows who is nearby. She bows to acquaintances at a distance and to strangers to whom she is introduced. How To Sit Gracefully

Having shaken hands with the hostess, the visitor, whether a lady or a gentleman, looks about quietly, without hurry~ for a convenient chair to sit down upon, or drop into. To sit gracefully one should not perch stiffly on the edge of a straight chair, nor sprawl at length in an easy one. The perfect position is one that is easy, but dignified. In other days, no lady of dignity ever crossed her knees, held her hands on her hips, or twisted herself sideways, or even leaned back in her chair! To-day all these things are done; and the only etiquette left is on the subject of how not to exaggerate them. No lady should cross her knees so that her skirts go up to or above them; neither should her foot be thrust out so that her toes are at knee level. An arm a-kimbo is not a graceful attitude, nor is a twisted spine! Everyone, of course, leans against a chair back, except in a box at the opera and in a ballroom, but a lady should never throw herself almost

Conversation

rI37

at full length in a reclining chair or on a wide sofa when she is out in public. Neither does a gentleman in paying a formal visit sit on the middle of his backbone with one ankle supported on the other knee, and both as high as his head. The proper way for a lady to sit is in the centre of her chair, or slightly sideways in the corner of a sofa. She may lean back, of course, and easily; her hands relaxed in her lap, her knees together, or if crossed, her foot must not be thrust forward so as to leave a space between the heel and her other ankle. On informal occasions she can lean back in an easy chair with her hands on the arms. In a ball dress a lady of distinct~on never leans back in a chair; one can not picture a beautiful and high-bred woman, wearing a tiara and other ballroom jewels, leaning against anything. This is, however, not so much a rule of etiquette as a question of beauty and fitness. A gentleman, also on very formal occasions, should sit in the centre of his chair; but unless it is a deep lounging one, he always leans against the back and puts a hand or an elbow on its arms. POSTSCRIPTS ON VISITS

A lady never calls on another under the sponsorship of a gentleman-unless he is her husband or father. A young girl can very properly go with her fiance to return visits paid to her by members or friends of his family; but she should not pay an initial visit unless to an invalid who has written her a note asking her to do so. If, when arriving at a lady's house, you find her motor at the door, you should leave your card as though she were not at home. If she happens to be in the hall, or coming down the steps, you say "I see you are going out, and I won't keep you!" If she insists on your coming in, you should stay only a moment. Do not, however, fidget and talk about leaving. Sit down as though your leaving immediately were not on your mind, but after two or three minutes say "Good-by" and go. A young man may go to see a young girl as often as

~~_________________________________C~o_n~v~el~'s~at~io~n~

he feels inclined and she cares to receive him. If she continually asks to be excused, or shows him scant attention when he is talking to her, or in any other way indicates that he annoys or bores her, his visits should cease. It is very bad manners to invite one person to your house and leave out another with whom you are also talking. You should wait for an opportunity when the latter is not included in your conversation. In good society ladies do not kiss each other when they meet either at parties or in public. It is well to remember that nothing more blatantly stamps an ill-bred person than the habit of patting, nudging or taking hold of people. "Keep your hands to yourself!" might almost be put at the head of the first chapter of every book on etiquette. Be very chary of making any such remarks as "I am afraid I have stayed too long," or "I must apologize for hurrying off," or "I am afraid I have bored you to death talking so much." All such expressions are selfconscious and stupid. If you really think you are staying too long or leaving too soon or talking too much-doesn't! AN INVALID'S VISIT BY PROXY

It is not necessary that an invalid make any attempt to return the visits to her friends who are attentive enough to go often to see her. But if a stranger calls on herparticularly a stranger who may not know that she is always confined to the house, it is correct for a daughter or sister or even a friend to leave the invalid's card for her and even to pay a visit should she find a hostess "at home." In this event the visitor by proxy lays her own card as well as that of the invalid on the tray proffered her. Upon being announced to the hostess, she naturally explains that she is appearing in place of her mother (or whatever relation the invalid is to her) and that the invalid herself is unable to make any visits. A lady never pays a party call on a gentleman. But if the gentleman who has given a dinner has his mother (or

Conversation

~

sister) staying with him and if the mother (or sister) chaperoned the party, cards should of course be left upon her. Having risen to go, go! Don't stand and keeps your hostess standing while you say good-by, and make a last remark last half an hour! Few Americans are so punctili<;lus as to pay their dinner calls within twenty-four hours; but it is the height of correctness and good manners. When a gentleman, whose wife is away, accepts some one's hospitality, it is correct for his wife to pay the party call with (or for) him, since it is taken for granted that she would have been included had she been at home. In other days a hostess thought it necessary to change quickly into a best dress if important company rang her door-bell. A lady of fashion to-day receives her visitors at once in whatever dress she happens to be wearing, since not to keep them waiting is the greater courtesy.

Chapter 7

Advice for Modern Women Dating a strong woman doesn't mean you'll be serving her friends tea on Sunday afternoons while your buddies are watching football and shaking their heads at your demise. The strong woman is confident and she doesn't want a guy who's weak or a pushover. In fact, the more self confident you are, the more she'll respect you. But unless you've been through this before, there are some tips worth noting to help you along the process. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships. It's part of being human. But if you make a mistake, own up to it. Strong women don't have time for games, nor will they accept lame excuses. Also, don't try and manipulate your way out of the situation. Chances are, she'll see right through it. So admit the mistake, offer an explanation and she'll admire your strength. ' DON'T EXPECT A PUSHOVER

If you're used to dating women who let things go, this could be a change for you. Modern women won't sit back and let you blow them off on a Friday night for your buddies after you've already made plans with them. She'll call you on it, or she may turn you down the next time you ask her to go out. Remember, the independent woman has a life and if she's put aside time for you, she expects you to keep

Advice for Modern Warnell

f1.4'1

your word unless there's an emergency. Now this doesn't mean she's unreasonable. Perhaps it's the hockey playoffs and at 3 p.m. on Friday, your buddy calls suddenly with gold seats. Well, this is understandable. Just make sure you make it up to her. LEND YOUR EAR

So much emphasis needs to be put on this point. Many men assume that strong women don't need reassurance or a shoulder to cry on. This could not be farther from the truth. The modern woman is still a woman with feelings, and like most, "she finds relief through talking," says John Gray in his popular book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's important to remember if she wants to talk about an issue she's having, she isn't asking for you to fix the problem. Gray explains this point in an erttire chapter in his book and states, "if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears." BE ROMANTIC

Ok, so she's strong and perhaps you think she'll scoff at small romantic gestures. Well think again. Modern women love and appreciate romance. Flowers for no reason are a great idea but you don't need to get roses. Stop at the corner store and pick up a bouquet of Gerber daisies. This spells spontaneity and it will make her smile. COMMUNICATE, TALK, WORK IT OUT

, Men are known for shying away from communication, but the modern woman won't stick around if there's silence. You don't have to pour your heart out, but talk to her about your relationship. If she wants to discuss an issue, sit down and work it out. Never walk away from an argument and pretend it didn't happen. Remember, it's not about confrontation; it's about working things out like adults. Being in relationship with a modern woman can be a very fulfilling experience. Strong women want a level playing

~L______________________~A~d~v~ic~e~fi~or~M~o~de~r~ll~~~Om~el~1

field and aren't looking for someone to control. If you're honest and willing to communicate, you're halfway there. Have you ever wondered what to do when an acquaintance has a piece of broccoli stuck in her teeth, debated which fork to use when dining out, wrestled to find the right words to express condolences, or struggled to extricate yourself from a lengthy phone conversation at the office as the work mounts on your desk? In From Clueless to Class Act: Manners for the Modern Woman, etiquette consultant Jodi Smith lifts the shroud of mystery surrounding social guidelines, making them simple to understand and fun. Demonstrating wit and wisdom, she presents the information in a succinct fashion that allows readers to find the answers they need quickly and easily. Covering everything from dining, parties, and dating to being a gracious guest and a hospitable host to appropriate workplace behaviour, cell phone conduct, and e-mail usage, this contemporary guide will help women sail through a wide variety of potentially awkward situations with grace and poise. What's more, readers will be enlightened with regard to numerous issues confronted specifically by women, such as how to ask a guy out on a date, how to navigate the world of women's wear, and what the proper protocol is for applying makeup. As an added bonus, this handy guide comes complete with a tipping table and "dining survival" card that can be stashed in a purse for quick reference or}. the go. A must-have resource for success in today's world, this user-friendly book will help readers to impress the people in their personal and professional circles. Every Lady should have impeccable hosting skills. Hosting skills are something that a Lady can naturally have, but it is also something that can be honed with time, patience, and of course plenty of interaction with guests. Below are a few tips to hone your hostess skills:

Advice for Modern Women

[143"

A Good Hostess anticipates needs: There are several things that a guest might request upon arrival to the Modern Lady's home. The Modern Lady anticipates those needs by keeping her home properly equipped with food, beverages, and other necessities that are used for entertaining. A Hostess keeps her kitchen stocked with water, some type of juice, milk, and ginger-ale before a guest arrives. If she is aware that her guest enjoys booz she may have a "drink" available, but a lady never offers her guest more than one or two "drinks" because a Lady doesn't approve of drunkenness in her house. A drunk could ruin a lady's carpet. A guest will often request to use a lady's bathroom for refreshing (especially if the lady has a nice home). A lady equips her bathroom with a fresh room spray as well as clean towels to accommodate this need. A Lady tidies up before her guests arrive. Needing to move things in order for your guest to have seating options clearly displays a lack of preparation and a good host is always prepared! THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF MODERN GIRLS' MANNERS

These are the rules of etiquette for the modern woman according to the Good Housekeeping Institute: DON'T:

• • • • • • • •

Read partner's private mobile phone text messages. Ogle other men in front of partner. Discuss intimate details of your sex life with groups of friends. Shout, scream and argue in public. Allow thong to show above waistband. Indulge in nude stretching and contortions in gym changing rooms. Stare at others who are taking a gym class. Be late for Yoga classes.

144l

Advice for Modern Women

• • • • • • • • • •

Kiss the boss, the plumber or anyone else you have a professional relationship with. Kiss anyone on the lips other than your partner. Arrive early for dinner parties. Get drunk at dinner parties. Answer mobile phone at the dinner table. Serve food that has been the subject of recent scare. Argue over a bill when eating out. Read emails over other people's shoulders. Put anything in an email you would not say to someone's face. Send group emails to entire company asking if anyone has seen your hairband .. Snarl if a man offers you his seat on a train.

• DO: • Arrive within half an hour of stated time on party/ dinner invitation. • Be gracious when a man holds open a door for you. • Tell dinner party hosts of any food fads in good time. • Go outside if you want to smoke. • Bring a gift when a guest for dinner - wine, chocolates or food treats. • Turn off mobile phone, or put ringer on mute, when in cinema, theatre or church. • Treat the ex-partners of husband or lover with exquisite manners. • Wipe down gym exercise machines with towel after use. • Breast feed in public - discreetly. • Scoop after pet poops. Undaunted by the unenviable task of teaching manners to the masses, etiquette consultant Heather Rogero hopes to put the civil back into civilization, a few children and a few classes at a time. In January Ms. Rogero plans to open

Advice for Modern Women

rt45

the Martha's Vineyard School of Etiquette, offering two sessions of a five-week programme in etiquette and manners to young ladies and gentlemen at the Mansion House. The winter 2008 sessions will include Classy Little Ladies for girls 5 to 9 and 10 to 14, and Manners for Young Gentlemen for boys ages 7 to 14. "I want to instill not only etiquette but the confidence it brings," said Ms. Rogero. "Knowing how to respond in a social situation makes people feel comfortable and increases their self-esteem." Contrary to what many people think, she added, etiquette is much more than good table manners. Both the girls' and boys' programs will include telephone manners, making introductions, the art of conversation, being a great guest and host, and writing thank-you notes - the handwritten kind, not e-mails.

MANNERLESS ON MARTHA'S VINEYARD When asked politely for their opinions, several Vineyarders the Times caught up with around Vineyard Haven, graciously shared their views on which lapses of manners bother them most: • "People who don't give their last names when introducing themselves." Mev Good, Tisbury • "When you ask someone about something and say 'Thank you,' instead of responding, 'You're welcome,' they say, 'No problem.' It's an inappropriate response - there wasn't a problem in the first place." Frank Rapoza, West Tisbury • "People who are unwilling to say, 'I'm sorry.'" John Kelleher, West Tisbury • "Kids who don't say thank you, unless their parents say it first." Anita, Oak Bluffs • "Someone calls you and asks, who's this?" Ted Desrosiers, Vineyard Haven • "People who eat while they're talking to me on the phone." Suzanne Kennedy, Tisbury • "Technology precedes etiquette - first came cell

l46l

Advice for Modern Women

•

•

• •

•

•

•

•

•

•

phones, and then etiquette developed to deal with them - I'm waiting to see what happens." Leslie Pearlson, Vineyard Haven "People who talk on cell phones while placing an order." Grace Clark, Mocha Mott's, Vineyard Haven "Cell phones are my major peeve. Most calls are not necessary, and people talk too loudly." Susan Amazeen, Oak Bluffs "1 can't stand listening to people using cell phones in public places." Rodney Silvia, Oak Bluffs "In the summer, no one will let you make a turn from Look Street or at Five Corners." Gail Burke, Tisbury "Drivers who don't use their directionals when they're going to make a turn." Ted Amaral, N. Falmouth "Reckless drivers who are overly aggressive, make hand gestures at you, and then drive away." Caleb Carr, West Tisbury "The lack of common courtesy extended on the roads off-Island - we're use~ to a certain level of courtesy on the Island." Michael Morrison, Reveal Homes, Oak Bluffs "People coughing at you without covering their mouths, kids that push older people out of the way, and customers who yell at us when we don't have what they're looking for." Karen Murphy, Mardell's Gifts & Jewelry, Vineyard Haven "On Monday nights at Offshore Ale, people forget to tip on the whole amount of their bill, instead of on the discounted two-for-one total." Name held by request ''I'm a pretty tolerant guy. People can do anything they want - a lack of manners doesn't bother me. Big issues like the war in Iraq are what bothers me." John Wilbur, Vineyard Haven

Advice for Modern Women

f147

At a time when jeans are the uniform of the day, Ms. Rogero's promotional brochure notes that in her classes, "Students are taught the difference between being well dressed and just being dressed." While girls will lean about skin and hair care, style secrets, fitness and nutrition, boys will learn how to tie a necktie, match clothes, and look their best. The girls' programme concludes with a mother/ daughter afternoon tea, while the boys put their new manners to the test at a five-course dinner at the Mansion House. One of their classes even includes the subject of tipping. Lest this sound boring, Ms. Rogero assures that the electronically-oriented younger generation will find that her classes have plenty of visually interesting material, handson activities, and clever tips for remembering the details of fine dining. To figure out the elements of a table setting, for example, Ms. Rogero tells her classes to think of BMW the Bread plate at left, the Meal in the middle, and the Water glass at right. Confused about where eating utensils go? Just remember the words "fork" and "left" have four letters in them, so they go together, and "spoon" and "knife" have five letters, so they go on the right. Ms. Rogero's path towards Emily Post-dom began when she saw an ad in a magazine about training to teach etiquette and manners. Although it caught her attention, she forgot about it until several months later when she was going to throw the magazine away and happened to notice the ad again. After researching different avenues for training and certification, Ms. Rogero said she found the programs ranged in cost up to $8,000 for the licensing and curriculum. As a result of her research, last summer she trained with Maria Everding, president and founder of the Etiquette Institute in St. Louis, an international organization that promotes itself as "blending the standards of traditional etiquette with contemporary manners." As a graduate of the Etiquette Institute, Ms. Rogero is a certified etiquette

~L________________________A~d~v_ic~e~~_r_10 __od_e_r_n_~_o_m_e~n

consultant, joining the white-gloved ranks of more than 150 who teach Ms. Everding's business and social etiquette programs throughout the U.S., Mexico, and Europe. In addition, Ms. Rogero is an ordained minister with an M.A. in biblical literature, with 15 years of experience in youth ministry. She has also traveled and taught seminars to women and teenage girls about self-esteem. She and her husband Walter are pastors at the Vineyard Assembly of God, across from the Scottish Bakehouse on State Road in Tisbury. They moved to the Vineyard about three years ago from Tulsa, Okla., with their daughters Anna, who attends kindergarten at Tisbury School, and Mary Beth, who will start kindergarten next year. When asked about social differences between Oklahoma and the Vineyard, Ms. Rogero said people here are slower to start up a conversation. The Island definitely is more casual, she added. Ms. Rogero said she regards her new career as a manners maven as "a way to give to the community, train my own girls, and really make a difference." Although her parents were divorced and her mom did the best she could on the manners front, Ms. Roger<> said it was her grandmother who taught her the most. ETIQUEITE QUESTIONS FOR TODAY

•

• •

• •

As mores change in today's society, new etiquette questions arise to challenge modern manners experts. Here are a few not yet found in the books: Should a woman wear a pearl nose stud only after 5 pm? When a man dons a suit, in keeping with his more formal attire, should he wear his baseball cap with the brim facing forward? Should the colour of a person's flip-flops match the colour of the clothes he or she is wearing? Are there any Island events at which wearing a plaid flannel shirt is not appropriate?

Advice for Modern Women

•

Ii49

Is the question, "You don't live here year-round, do you?" a socially acceptable conversation starter? • If an Islander is called at home on the night of annual town meeting and begged to attend so there will be a quorum, can he or she come dressed in pajamas, robe, and slippers? • Should a call waiting signal be ignored during a phone call only when talking to one's mother? • Does talking loudly on a cell phone while onboard a ferry entitle everyone within earshot to offm comments or advice? • Should extending the courtesy of yielding to another car at Five Corners be based on what state it is from? • If your neighbors install a SOO-foot wind turbine tower, would it be un-neighborly to ask them not to string it with Christmas lights? "I really believe it helps children in society if they have manners," she said. "Having manners sets them apart, and opens more doors of opportunity. In the business world, those coming right out of college can fall flat if they don't have that training. Business etiquette is an entire subject unto itself." Future possibilities for expanding her programme might include private parties, Ms. Rogero said. Several women also have told her they would be interested in taking a ladies' class. Sensitive to nuances, she said she would probably call such a class a refresher course." Ms. Rogero warmed to the idea of offering a remedial course for husbands. Perhaps that would make a nice preValentine's gift from their wives, she suggested. Her angle definitely has potential - what woman wouldn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day with a man who completed classes such as those in the boy's programme, entitled, "A gentleman looks his best," A gentleman says the right thing," and" A gentleman goes to dinner"? 1/

~~______________________~A~d~v~ic~e~~~r~M~od~e~rn~W~o~m~e~n

Although she planned to start children's classes in September, Ms. Rogero found that soccer practice and games presented scheduling conflicts, so she decided to offer winter classes instead. Her two sessions will run from Jan. I-Feb. 9, and March 3-29,2008. Classes will be held at the Mansion House in Vineyard Haven on Mondays from 3:15-4:15 pm (girls 5-9), 4:30-5:30 pm (girls 10-14), and 5:45-6:30 pm (boys 7-14). Students do not have to dress up and can wear their school clothes, although Ms. Rogero said she would hope that students might dress up a little more for tea or dinner. The girls' classes are limited to 15 students. The boys' classes are 45 minutes and limited to 10 students, to compensate for the difference in attention spans and energy levels, as Ms. Rogero diplomatically explained. Total tuition per student is $155, with a sibling discount of $25 if two are enrolled at the same time. Once, etiquette for ladies covered the finer points of social behaviour such as deportment, how to hold cutlery and the correct attire for a cocktail party. But today's women have a very different set of rules to follow if they are to avoid making a faux pas. For modern girls, etiquette is about not getting drunk at dinner parties, definitely not kissing the boss if they do and most certainly not then sharing all the lurid details with friends. Taking a sneaky peek at their partner's text messages, showing their thong above the waistband or having a row in public are also not the done thing for 21 st century women. So says the Good Housekeeping Institute, which has published a "noughtiquette" guide on modern manners in 2000 and beyond. Tell us what you think of the guide or suggest etiquette rules of your own with our reader comments at the foot of the page. According to the guide, contained in the institute's magazine this month, the gym can be a danger zone for the woman who wants to create a good impression. It appears there is a certain group who is particularly proud of their

Advice for Modern Women

f151

nard-earned figures and is all too willing to show off the results by bending over or stretching naked. However, the guide says this could make others feel uncomfortable, even threatened. "Keep nudity to a minimum in the changing room," it cautions. "That's not to say you.have to do the dance of the seven veils with your towel, but an after-workout stretch is more tasteful with your clothes on." A considerate gym bunny should make sure she is never late for classes and would also do well never to stare at others working out. Dealing with the opposite sex is something of a minefield, the guide suggests. Women are advised never to kiss their boss, the plumber or anyone they have a professional relationship with as it sends out the wrong signals, and they should never kiss anyone other than their partner on the lips. When wearing lipstick, it is always best to plump for an "air kiss" to avoid leaving a tell-tale mark. One kiss on the cheek is deemed sufficient when meeting a friend,"and the guide recommends presenting the right side of the face to avoid a bruising clash. Women are warned that it is "very bad manners" to ogle other men in front of their partners. Worse still, revealing details of their bedroom anticl? to female 'friends is considered "thoroughly bad form". FRACTURED MARRIAGES

The increasing number of fractured marriages and relationships throws up its own problems. For example, how to deal with a partner's former wives, lovers and, of course, children. The guide counsels: "You have no choice but to maintain exquisite manners in everything pertaining to your partner's ex. It's good manners to invite your exspouses to your wedding. And even better manners for them to have booked to go away that weekend." Should things get heated, however, the guide warns against getting "loud". "Leave letting rip in public to people

~~________________________A_d_v_ic_e~fi_or_M __o_de_r_n_v_Vo_m __ el_ 1

appearing on daytime TV," it cautions. The niceties of entertaining are also covered. If the host, a woman should always issue proper invitations - but avoid asking recently divorced or separated couples - while guests should make clear whether they will be attending. Deputy editor of Good Housekeeping, June .Walton, said: "In the rush and hustle of everyday life, some of the manners have gone out of the window. We wanted to offer advice on the considerate way to handle today's challenges." On the need for modesty in the gym, she said: "Let's face it. Bending over when you haven't got any clothes on is just not considerate."

Chapter 8

Advice for Modern Men The eighteenth century continued to advance a programme of proper court behaviour, with the influential Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773) coining the term etiquette in letters to his son that spoke of the" art of pleasing" at court and the necessity of cultivating "that easy good breeding, that engaging manner, and those graces, which seduce and prepossess people in your favour at first sight." It was this kind of naked and cynical self-aggrandizement that caused the backlash by Dr. Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), who claimed that the letters instilled in readers "the morals of a strumpet with the manners of a dancing master." Rather than simply reflecting the privileged if arbitrary codes of the aristocratic class, however, manners were also seen in the eighteenth century as reinforcing stability in society, with Edmund Burke (1729-1797) stating famously that "Manners are more important than laws. Upon them ... the laws depend," and John Locke (16321704) similarly connecting good conduct with the stability and health of a democratic polity. The art of social decorum nevertheless suffered further reputational damage with the Romantic Movement and its more rough-hewn ideals of authenticity. Not only was society itself perceived by Jean-Jacques Rousseau and (1712-1778) others as a realm of corrupt artifice opposed to more truthful nature, but they

~~________________________~A_d_v_ic~e~fi~or~Nf~o~de~rn~Nf~e~1t

considered that the manners on which that society depends expedite the process of self-alienation. At the same time, the nineteenth century gave rise in England and America to a surging middle class and a new ethic of the sentimental and domestic that allowed ideals of behaviour to take on new forms and vibrancy. Where before etiquette had been associated with the aristocratic class, it now became diffused among a broader, albeit still privileged, middle class. To know the rules-that coffee was not to be served at the dinner table, that introductions were to be handled in a particular way, that one took one's place in a quadrille at the front rather than the back of the ballroom-marked one's place in the world as being on the inside of social privilege; to be otherwise was to be "vulgar" or "common" and coldly cast out. In the New World, Americans' manners, such as hastily eating (or "devouring") their food, particularly galled the English, with Charles Dickens (1812-1870) describing Washington, D.C., as the "headquarters of tobacco-tinctured saliva" shooting forth from the mouths of "not always good marksmen." Nevertheless, Americans, and particularly women, proliferated as authors of etiquette manuals, which counseled on housework, child-raising, personal grooming, and marriage as well as entering polite society. II;l this regard America undertook its own "civilizing process," trafficking in lifestyle aspirations u.nder the stern but gentle injunctions of an Emily Post, a Miss Manners, or, in its postmodern incarnation, a Martha Stewart. While it may be a new century, a new millenium, and thus an entirely new set of cultural norms and progressive belief systems - there will always be a place for a wellmannered and polite gentleman at the board room table as well as at the dinner table. By possessing proper manners and integrating them into your already extroverted and energetic personality, you

Advice for Modem Men

f155

will be ultimately more attractive to others both as a friend, a partner, and as a lover. PROFESSIONALISM AND ETIQUETTE IN THE WORKPLACE While a few ribald jokes might have their place once you have fully sussed out the personality of your coworkers, employees, or superiors - the best approach is to adopt a personality that is genial and positive. One of the biggest mistakes that people make in their places of employment is to participate in gossip or backtalk of other staff members or co-workers. By remaining aloof or noncommittal in these discussions, one immediately comes off as benign and trustworthy - for you cultivate a reputation of discussing the positive or best aspects of your team-mates rather than constantly engaging in hearsay and backbiting. Being well-mannered in a professional setting means being approachable, open to constructive and helpful criticism, speaking with eloquence and tact, once again and above all - to be positive and to encourage others to participate in congratulatory gestures or light-hearted conversation rather than in gossip and the airing of. grievances. There is a place to air your grievances if they become more than a niggling problem, and that place is privately, face-to-face with the individual you would like to discuss your issue with. Dirty laundry is never to be made a public affair by any gentleman of merit. CHARM AND CHIVALRY Despite all efforts and beli~f to the contrary, chivalry is not dead. A woman still appreciates a person who takes the time to hold a door open for them, although laying ones coat down over a puddle in the street may be a bit much. Chivalry may no longer entail long and poetic courtship, or it yet may, but it is still a valuable and respectable trait that all men should aspire to hold. Above all, remember to

~L________________________~A~d~v~ic~e~&~r~Nf~od~e~rn~Nf~e~ll

be presentable and well-groomed to your best when taking a woman on a date or a romantic night on the town. Too often at dimly lit restaurants the scene is set by a woman in a booth wearing a beautiful little dress and perfect little silver earrings and other jewelry - and sitting directly opposite her is the date or boyfriend wearing work jeans, sneakers, a sweater, and a ball-cap. This is a signal to those women that these men are not respectful, romantic, nor do they understand the effort that the great majority of women put into their appearance and image. Oftentimes, these men do not keep these ladies in a relationship for very long. So, always be sure to dress appropriately for your date - try to always go one step further than what the casual patron of the establishment you plan to attend might wear in order to look distinctive and sharp without looking overdressed. By showing your date, your girlfriend, or even your wife that you' are making an effort to look your best for her, and for yourself, imparts the notion of confidence and respect that will start your night off on the right foot. In conversation, simply be yourself and be inquisitive - ask about your date and follow up on their responses. Women detest braggarts and egotists and will quickly become bored when it becomes evident that you are not interested in them in the least, or if you are interested, it is not in their personality. SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH

Quite simply, there is no quick fix or magic solution to impart better etiquette and manners upon any particular gent - it is a gradual process that demands constant attention be paid to what one says, and how one presents themselves to others. Etiquette and mannerisms are simply learned behaviours when it comes to the realm of social interaction, you will make the greatest successes by thinking positively and proactively - rather than negatively and reactively. By adopting a polite, respectful attitude and

Advice for Modern Men

rts7

speaking tactfully and thoughtfully - you will achieve a greater degree of respect from your peers, both professional and romantic. Emails, internet and mobile phones have made the pursuit of politeness 'trickier than ever', authors of a dictionary of etiquette claimed today. The advent of social networking, the BlackBerry and internet dating have exacerbated risk of causing offence, according to Debrett's A-Z of Modern Manners. While society is less formal about basic manners than in the past, there are now fewer rules but more opportunities to unintentionally offend, it was said. The book, which tackles 350 modern-day dilemmas, advises bloggers to avoid being an 'online bore' and says ill-advised use of networking websites can' completely obliterate' social lives. Also warning of the 'size zero' culture among celebrities, it says: 'the slim shall not inherit the earth, just the occasional discounted designer sample.' Jo Bryant, editor of the book published today, said: 'In the old days people were taught table manners and told how to write letters. 'I think the fact we are much more relaxed around each other makes it more difficult. And new technology has made it trickier than ever. 'It is quite easy for us to forget our manners now. People forget or are intimidated by the unfamiliar situations that modern-day technology presents.' It also offers advice on more traditional dilemmas such as chivalry, drunkenness and bad breath. The latter of the three' doesn't just put off prospective lovers, it puts off lovers of life, in fact, anyone but the undead.' Ambitious employees are advised that while 'competition can raise your game - the trick is not to alienate others while you are climbing'. Many who scoff at a book of etiquette would be shocked to hear the least expression of levity touching the Ten Commandments. But the Commandments do not always prevent such virtuous scoffers from dealings with their neighbour of which no gentleman could be capable and retain his claim to the title.

~L_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _A_d_v_i_ce~v_o_r_A1_o_d_e_rn_A1 __e__ 1l

Though it may require ingenuity to reconcile their actions with the Decalogue-the ingenuity is always forthcoming. There is no intention in this remark to intimate that there is any higher rule of life than the Ten Commandments; only it is illuminating as showing the relationship between manners and morals, which is too often overlooked. The polished gentleman of sentimental fiction has so long served as the type of smooth and conscienceless depravity that urbanity of demeanor inspires distrust in ruder minds. On the other hand,' the blunt, unpolished hero of melodrama and romantic fiction has lifted brusqueness and pushfulness to a pedestal not wholly merited. Consequently, the kinship between conduct that keeps us within the law and conduct that makes civilized life worthy to be called such, deserves to be noted with emphasis. The Chinese sage, Confucius, could not tolerate the suggestion that virtue is in itself enough without politeness, for he viewed them as inseparable and "saw courtesies as coming from the heart," maintaining that "when they are practised with all the heart, a moral elevation ensues." People who ridicule etiquette as a mass of trivial and arbitrary conventions, "extremely troublesome to those who practise them and insupportable to everybody else," seem to forget the long, slow progress of social intercourse in the upward climb of man from the primeval state. Conventions were established from the first to regulate the rights of the individual and the tribe. They were and are the rules of the game of life and must be followed if we would "play the game." Ages before man felt the need of indigestion remedies, he ate his food solitary and furtive in some corner, hoping he would not be espied by any stronger and hungrier fellow. It was a long, long time before the habit of eating iI) common was acquired; and it is obvious that the practise could not have been taken up with safety until the individuals of the race knew enough about one another and about the food resources to be sure that there was food sufficient for all.

Advice for Modem Men

f159

When eating in common became the vogue, table manners made their appearance and they have been waging an uphill struggle ever since. The custom of raising the hat when meeting an acquaintance derives from the old rule that friendly knights in accosting each other should raise the visor for mutual recognition in amity. In the knightly years, it must be remembered, it was important to know whether one was meeting friend or foe. Meeting a foe meant fighting on the spot. Thus, it is evident that the conventions of courtesy not only tend to make the wheels of life run more smoothly, but also act as safeguards in human relationship. Imagine the Paris Peace Conference, or any of the later conferences in Europe, without the protective armor of diplomatic etiquette! Nevertheless, to some the very word etiquette is an irritant. It implies a great pother about trifles, these conscientious objectors assure us, and trifles are unimportant. Trifles are unimportant, it is true, but then life is made up of trifles. To those who dislike the word, it suggests all that is finical and superfluous. It means a garish embroidery on the big scheme of life; a clog on the forward march of a strong and courageous nation. To such as these, the words etiquette and politeness connote weakness and timidity. Their notion of a really polite man is a dancing master or a man milliner. They were always willing to admit that the French were the politest nation in Europe and equally ready to assert that the French were the weakest and least valorous, until the war opened their eyes in amazement. Yet, that manners and fighting can go hand in hand appears in the following anecdote: In the midst of the war, some French soldiers and some non-French of the Allied forces were receiving their rations in a village back of the lines. The non-French fighters belonged to an Army that supplied rations plentifully. They grabbed their allotments and stood about while hastily eating, uninterrupted by

~~___________________________A_d_v_ic_e~fi_o_r_~_o_d_er_l_1~ __e__ 1l

conversation or other concern. The French soldiers took their very meager portions of food, improvised a kind of table on the top of a flat rock, and having laid out the rations, including the small quantity of wine that formed part of the repast, sat down in comfort and began their meal amid a chatter of talk. One of the non-French soldiers, all of whom had finished their large supply of food before the French had begun eating, asked sardonically: "Why do you fellows make such a lot of fuss over the little bit of grub they give you to eat?" The Frenchman replied: "Well, we are making war for civilization, are we not? Very well, we are. Therefore, we eat in a civilized way." To the French we owe the word etiquette, and it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning-"Keep off the grass." It happened in the reign of Louis XIV, when the gardens of Versailles were being laid out, that the master gardener, an old Scotsman, was sorely tried because his newly seeded lawns were being continually trampled upon. To keep trespassers off, he put up warning signs or tickets-etiquettes-on which was indicated the path along which to pass. But the courtiers paid no attention to these directions and so the determined Scot complained to the King in such convincing manner that His Majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at Court to "keep within the etiquettes." Gradually the term came to cover all the rules for correct demeanor and deportment in court circles; and thus through the centuries it has grown into use to describe the conventions sanctioned for the purpose of smoothing personal contacts aI'.d developing tact and good manners in social intercourse. With the decline of feudal courts and the rise of empires of industry, much of the ceremony of life was discarded for plain and less formal dealing. Trousers and coats supplanted doublets and hose, and the change in costume was not more extreme than the

· Advice for Modern Men [161

change in social ideas. The court ceased to be the arbiter of manners, though the aristocracy of the land remained the high exemplar of good breeding. Yet, even so courtly and materialistic a mind as Lord Chesterfield's acknowledged a connection between manners and morality, of which latter the courts of Europe seemed so sparing. In one of the famous "Letters to His Son" he writes: "Moral virtues are the foundation of society in general, and of friendship in particular; but attentions, manners, and graces, both adorn and strengthen them." Again he says: "Great merit, or great failings, will make you respected or despised; but trifles, little attentions, mere nothings, either done or reflected, will make you either liked or disliked, in the general run of the world." For all the wisdom and brillian~y of his worldly knowledge, perhaps no other writer has done so much to bring disrepute on the "manners and graces" as Lord Chesterfield, and this, it is charged, because he debased them so heavily by considering them merely as the machinery of a successful career. To the moralists, the fact that the moral standards of society in Lord Chesterfield's day were very different from those of the present era rather adds to the odium that has become associated with his attitude. His severest critics, however, do concede that he is candid and outspoken, and many admit that his social strategy is widely practised even in these days. But the aims of the world in which he moved were routed by the onrush of the ideals of democratic equality, fraternity, and liberty. With the prosperity of the newer shibboleths, the old-time notion of aristocracy, gentility, and high breeding became more and more a curio to be framed suitably in gold and kept in the glass case of an art museum. The crashing ad vance of the industrial age of gold thrust all courts and their sinuous graces aside for the unmistakable ledger balance of the counting-house. This new order of things had been a long time in process, when,

l62l'-______________A_d_v_i_ce-L-for Modern Men in the first year of this century, a distinguished English social historian, the late The Right Honorable G. W. E. Russell, wrote: "Probably in all ages of history men have liked money, but a hundred years ago they did not talk about it in society ... Birth, breeding, rank, accomplishments, eminence in literature, eminence in art, eminence in public service-all these things still count for something in society. But when combined they are only as the dust of the balance when weighed against the all-prevalent power of money. The worship of the Golden Calf is the characteristic cult of modern society./I In the Elizabethan Age of mighty glory, three hundred years before this was said, Ben Jonson had railed against money as "a thin membrane of honour," groaning: "How hath all true reputation fallen since money began to have any!/I Now the very fact that the debasing effect of money on the social organism has been so constantly reprehended, from Scriptural days onward, proves the instinctive yearning of mankind for a system of life regulated by good taste, high intelligence and sound affections. But, it remains true that, in the succession of great commercial epochs, coincident with the progress of modern science and invention, almost everything can be bought and sold, and so almost everything is rated by the standard of money. Yet, this standard is precisely not the ultimate test of the Christianity on which we have been pluming ourselves through the centuries. Still, no one can get along without money; and few of us get along very well with what we have. At least we think so-because everybody else ~eems to think that way. We Americans are members of the nation which, materially, is the richest, most prosperous and most promising in the world. This idea is dinned into our heads continually by foreign observers, and publicly we "own the soft impeachment./I Privately, each individual American seems driven with the decision that he must live up to the general conception of the nation as a whole. And he does, but in less strenuous

Advice for Modem Men

f163

moments he might profitably ponder the counsel of Gladstone to his countrymen: "Let us respect the ancient manners and recollect that, if the true soul of chivalry has died among us, with it all that is good in society has died. Let us cherish a sobre mind; take for granted that in our best performances there are latent many errors which in their own time will come to light." America, too, has her ancient manners to remember and respect; but, in the rapid assimilation of new peoples into her economic and social organism, more pressing concerns take up nearly all her time. The perfection of manners by intensive cultivation of good taste, some believe, would be the greatest aid possible to the moralists who are alarmed over the decadence of the younger generation. Good taste may not make men or women really virtuous, but it will often save them from what theologians call "occasions of sin." We may note, too, that grossness in manners forms a large proportion of the offenses that fanatical reformers foam about. Besides grossness, there is also the meaner selfishness. Selfishness is at the polar remove from the worldly manners of the old school, according to which, as Dr. Pusey wrote, others were preferred to self, pain was given to no one, no one was neglected, deference was shown to the weak and the aged, and unconscious courtesy extended to all inferiors. Such was the "beauty" of the old manners, which he felt consisted in "acting upon Christian principle, and if in any case it became soulless, as apart from Christianity, the beautiful form was there, into which the real life might re-enter." As a study of all that is admirable in American manners, and as a guide to behaviour in the simplest as well as the most complex requirements of life day by day, whether we are at home or away from it, there can be no happier choice than the present volume. It is conceived in the belief that etiquette in its broader sense means the technique of human conduct under all circumstances in life.

~~________________________~A~d~v_ic_e~fi~or~10~o_de~r~n~10~el_1

Yet all minutias of correct manners are included and no detail is too small to be explained, from the selection of a visiting card to the mystery of eating corn on the cob. Matters of clothes for men and women are treated with the same fullness of information and accuracy of taste as are questions of the furnishing of their houses and the training of their minds to social intercourse. But there is no exaggeration of the minor details at the expense of the more important spirit of personal conduct and attitude of mind. To dwell on formal trivialities, the author holds, is like "measuring the letters of the sign-boards by the roadside instead of profiting by the directions they offer." She would have us know also that "it is not the people who make small technical mistakes or even blunders, who are barred from the paths of good society, but those of sham and pretense whose veneered vulgarity at every step tramples the flowers in the gardens of cultivation." To her mind the structure of etiquette is comparable to that of a house, of which the foundation is ethics and the rest good taste, correct speech, quiet, unassuming behaviour, and a proper pride of dignity. To such as entertain the mistaken notion that politeness implies all give and little or no return, it is well to recall Coleridge's definition of a gentleman: "We feel the gentlemanly character present with us," he said, "whenever, under all circumstances of social intercourse, the trivial, not less than the important, through the whole detail of his manners and deportment, and with the ease of a habit, a person shows respect to others in such a way as at the same time implies, in his own feelings, and habitually, an assured anticipation of reciprocal respect from them to himself. In short, the gentlemanly character arises out of the feeling of equality acting as a habit, yet flexible to the varieties of rank, and modified without being disturbed or superseded by them." Definitions of a gentleman are numerous, and some of

Advice for Modern Men ~

them famous; but we do not find such copiousness for choice in definitions of a lady. Perhaps it has been understood all along that the admirable and just characteristics of a gentleman should of necessity be those also of a lady, with the charm of womanhood combined. And, in these days, with the added responsibility of the vote. Besides the significance of this volume as an indubitable authority on manners, it should be pointed out that as a social document; it is without precedent in American literature. In order that we may better realise the behaviour and environment of well-bred people, the distinguished author has introduced actual persons and places in fictional guise. They are the persons and the places of her own world; and whether we can or can not penetrate the incognito of the Worldlys, the Gildings, the Kindharts, the Old names, and the others, is of no importance. Fictionally, they are real enough for us to be interested and instructed in their way of living. That they happen to move in what is known as Society is incidental, for, as the author declares at the very outset: "Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentlefolk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive cortsideration for the feelings of others, are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members." The immediate fact is that the characters of this book are thoroughbred Americans, representative of various sections of the country and free from the slightest tinge of snobbery. Not all of them are even well-to-do, in the postwar sense; and their devices of economy in household outlay, dress and entertainment are a revelation in the science of ways and means. There are parents, children, relatives and friends all passing before us in the pageant of life from the cradle to the grave. No circumstance, from an introduction to a wedding,

~~____________________________A_d_v_i_ce~fi_o_r_A1_o_d_er_'_lA1 __e__ n

is overlooked in this panorama and the spectator has beside him a cicerone in the person of the author who clears every doubt and answers every question. In course, the conviction grows upon him that etiquette is no flummery of poseurs "aping the manners of their betters," nor a code of snobs, who divide their time between licking the boots of those above them and kicking at those below, but a system of rules of conduct based on respect of self coupled with respect of others. Meanwhile, to guard against conceit in his new knowledge, he may at odd moments recall Ben Jonson's lines: • "Nor stand so much on your gentility, • Which is an airy, and mere borrowed thing, • From dead men's dust, and bones: And none of yours • Except you make, or hold it."

Chapter 9 Salutations of Courtesy A gentleman takes off his hat and holds it in his hand when a lady enters the elevator in which he is a passenger, but he puts it on again in the corridor. A public corridor is like the street, but an elevator is suggestive of a room, and a gentleman does not keep his hat on in the presence of ladies iIl a house. This is the rule in elevators in hotels, clubs and apartments. In office buildings and stores the elevator is considered as public a place as the corridor. What is more, the elevators in such business structures are usually so crowded that the only room for a man's hat is on his head. But even under these conditions a gentleman can reveal his innate respect for women by not permitting himself to be crowded too near to them. When a gentleman stops to speak to a lady of his acquaintance in the street, he takes his hat off with his left hand, leaving his right free to shake hands, or he takes it off with his right and transfers it to his left. If he has a stick, he puts his stick in his left hand, takes off his hat with his right, transfers his hat also to his left hand, and gives her his right. If they walk ahead together, he at once puts his hat on; but while he is standing in the street talking to her, he should remain hatless. There is no rudeness greater than for him to stand talking to a lady with his hat on, and a cigar or' cigarette in his mouth. A gentleman always rises when a lady comes into a room. In public places men do not jump up for every strange woman

~~___________________________ S_al_u_ta_tl_·o_ns~of_C_o_u_rt_e~Sl~Z

who happens to approach. But if any woman addresses a remark to him, a gentleman at once rises to his feet as he answers her. In a restaurant, when a lady bows to him, a gentleman merely makes the gesture of rising by getting up half way from his chair and at the same time bowing. Then he sits down again. When a lady goes to a gentleman's office on business he should stand up to receive her, offer her a chair, and not sit down until after she is seated. When she rises to leave, he must get up instantly and stand until she has left the office. . It is not necessary to add that every American citizen stands with his hat off at the passing of the "colors" and when the national anthem is played. If he didn't, some other more loyal citizen would take it off for him. Also every man should stand with his hat off in the presence of a funeral that passes close or blocks his way. A GENTLEMAN LIFTS HIS HAT

Lifting the hat is a conventional gesture of politeness shown to strangers only, not to be confused with bowing, which is a gesture used to acquaintances and friends. In lifting his hat, a gentleman merely lifts it slightly off his forehead and replaces it; he does not smile nor bow, nor even look at the object of his courtesy. No gentleman ever subjects a lady to his scrutiny or his apparent observation. If a lady drops her glove, a gentleman should pick it up, hurry ahead of her-on no account nudge her-offer the glove to her and say: "I think you dropped this!" The lady replies: "Thank you." The gentleman should then lift his hat and turn away. If he passes a lady in a narrow space, so that he blocks her way or in any manner obtrudes upon her, he lifts his hat as he passes. If he gets on a street car and the car gives a lurch just as he is about to be seated and throws him against another passenger, he lifts his hat and says "Excuse me!" or "I beg your pardon!" He must not say "Pardon me!" He must not take a seat if there are ladies standing. But if he is sitting

Salutations of Courtesy

f169

and ladies enter, should they be young, he may with perfect propriety keep his seat. If a very old woman, or a young one carrying a baby, enters the car, a gentleman rises at once, lifts his hat slightly, and says: "Please take my seat." Be lifts his hat again when she thanks him. If the car is very crowded when he wishes to leave it and a lady is directly in his way, he asks: "May I get through, please?" As she makes room for him to pass, he lifts his hat and says: "Thank you!" If he is in the company of a lady in a street car, he lifts his hat to another gentleman who offers her a seat, picks up something she has dropped, or shows her any civility. He lifts his hat if he asks anyone a question, and always, if, when walking on the street with either a lady or a gentleman, his companion bows to another person. In other words, a gentleman lifts his hat whenever he says "Excuse me," "Thank you," or speaks to a stranger, or is spoken to by a lady, or by an older gentleman. And no gentleman ever keeps a pipe, cigar or cigarette in his mouth when he lifts his hat, takes it off, or bows. THE BOW OF CEREMONY

The standing bow, made by a gentleman when he rises at a dinner to say a few words, in response to applause, or across a drawing-room at a formal dinner when he bows to a lady or an elderly gentleman, is usually the outcome of the bow taught little boys at dancing school. The instinct of clicking heels together and making a quick bend over from the hips and neck, as though the human body had two hinges, a big one at the hip and a slight one at the neck, and was quite rigid in between, remains in a modified form through life. The man who as a child carne habitually into his mother's drawing-room when there was "company," generally makes a charming bow when grown, which is wholly lacking in self-consciousness. There is no apparent "heel-clicking" but a camera would show that the motion

17InL-________________________~Sa~lu~t~a~ti~ol~lS~·o~f~C~ou~r~te~s~y is there. In every form of bow, as distinct from merely lifting his hat, a gentleman looks at the person he is bowing to. In a very formal standing bow, his heels come together, his knees are rigid and his expression is rather serious. THE INFORMAL BOW

The informal bow is merely a modification of the above; it is easy and unstudied, but it should suggest the ease of controlled muscles, not the floppiness of a rag doll. In bowing on the street, a gentleman should never take his hat off with a flourish, nor should he sweep it down to his knee; nor is it graceful to bow by pulling the hat over the face as though examining the lining. The correct bow, when wearing a high hat or derby, is to lift it by holding the brim directly in front, take it off merely high enough to escape the head easily, bring it a few inches forward, the back somewhat up, the front down, and put it on again. To a very old lady or gentleman, to show adequate respect, a sweeping bow is sometimes made by a somewhat exaggerated circular motion downward to perhaps the level of the waist, so that the hat's position is upside down. If a man is wearing a soft hat he takes it by the crown instead of the brim, lifts itslightly off his head and puts it on again. The bow to a friend is made with a smile, to a very intimate friend often with a broad grin that fits exactly with the word "Hello"; whereas the formal bow is mentally accompanied by the formal salutation: "How do you do!" THE BOW OF A WOMAN OF CHARM

The reputation of Southern women for having the gift of fascination is perhaps due not to prettiness of feature more than to the brilliancy or sweetness of their ready smile. That Southern women are charming and "feminine" and lovable is proverbial. How many have noticed that Southern women always bow with the grace of a flower bending in the breeze and a smile like sudden sunshine? The unlovely

Salutations of Courtesy

rm

woman bows as though her head were on a hinge and her smile sucked through a lemon. Nothing is so easy for any woman to acquire as a charming bow. It is such a short and fleeting duty. Not a bit of trouble really; just to incline your head and spontaneously smile as though you thought "Why, there is Mrs. Smith! How glad I am to see her!" Even to a-~tranger who does her a favour, a woman of charm always smiles as she says "Thank you!" As a possession for either woman or man, a ready smile is more valuable in life than a ready wit; the latter may sometimes bring enemies, but the former always brings friends . . WHEN TO BOW

Under formal circumstances a lady is supposed to bow to a gentleman first; but people who know each other well bow spontaneously without observing this etiquette. In meeting the same person many times within an hour or so, one does not continue to bow after the second, or at most third meeting. After that one either looks away or merely smiles. Unless one has a good memory for people, it is always better to bow to some one whose face is familiar than to run the greater risk of ignoring an acquaintance. THE "CUT DIRECT"

For one person to look directly at another and not acknowledge the other's bow is such a breach of civility that only an unforgivable misdemeanor can warrant the rebuke. Nor without the gravest cause maya lady "cut" a gentleman. But there are no circumstances under which a gentleman may "cut" any woman who, even by courtesy, can be called a lady. On the other hand, one must not confuse absent-mindedness, or a forgetful memory with an intentional "cut." Anyone who is preoccupied is apt to pass others without being aware of them, and without the least want of friendly regard. Others who have bad memories forg~t

~~___________________________ Sa_l_ut_a_ti_on_s_o~f~C~o~u_rt~es~ V

even those by whom they were much attracted. This does not excuse the bad memory, but it explains the seeming rudeness. A "cut" is very different. It is a direct stare of blank refusal, and is not only insulting to its victim but embarrassing to every witness. Happily it is practically unknown in polite society. WALKING ON THE STREET A gentleman, whether walking with two ladies or one, takes the curb side of the pavement. He should never sandwich himself between them. A young man walking with a young woman should be careful that his manner in no way draws attention to her or to himself. Too devoted a manner is always conspicuous, and so is loud talking. Under no circumstances should he take her arm, or grasp her by or above the elbow, and shove her here and there, unless, of course, to save her from being run over! He should not walk along hitting things with his stick. The small boy's delight in drawing a stick along a picket fence should be curbed in the nursery! And it is scarcely necessary to add that no gentleman walks along the street chewing gum or, if he is walking with a lady, puffing a cigar or cigarette. All people in the streets, or anywhere in public, should be careful not to talk too loud. They should especially avoid pronouncing people's names, or making personal remarks that may attract passing attention or give a clue to themselves. One should never call out a name in public, unless it is absolutely unavoidable. A young girl who was separated from her friends in a baseball crowd had the presence of mind to put her hat on her parasol and lift it above the people surrounding her so that her friends might find her. Do not attract attention to yourself in public. This is one of the fundamental rules of good breeding. Shun conspicuous manners, conspicuous clothes, a loud voice, staring at people, knocking into them, talking across anyone-in a word do not attract attention to yourself. Do not expose your

Salutations of Courtesy

rt73

private affairs, feelings or innermost thoughts in public. You are knocking down the walls of your house when you do.

GENTLEMEN AND BUNDLES Nearly all books on etiquette insist that a "gentleman must offer to carry a lady's bundles." Bundles do not suggest a lady in the first place, and as for gentlemen and bundles! - they don't go together at all. Very neat packages that could never without injury to their pride be designated as "bundles" are different. Such, for instance, might be a square, smoothly wrapped box of cigars, candy, or books. Also, a gentleman might carry flowers, or a basket of fruit, or, in fact, any package that looks tempting. He might even stagger under bags and suitcases, or a small trunk-but carry a "bundle"? Not twice! And yet, many an unknowing woman, sometimes a very young and pretty one, too, has asked a relative, a neighbour, or an admirer, to carry something suggestive of a pillow, done up in crinkled paper and odd lengths of joined string. Then she wonders afterwards in unenlightened surprise why her cousin, or her neighbour, or her admirer, who is one of the smartest men in town, never comes to see her any more!

A GENTLEMAN OFFERS HIS ARM To an old lady or to an invalid a gentleman offers his arm if either of them wants his support. Otherwise a lady no longer leans upon a gentleman in the daytime, unless to cross a very crowded thoroughfare, or to be helped over a rough piece of road, or under other impeding circumstances. In accompanying a lady anywhere at night, whether down the steps of a house, or from one building to another, or when walking a distance, a gentleman always offers his arm. The reason is that in her thin high-heeled slippers, and when it is too dark to see her foothold clearly, she is likely to trip. Under any of these circumstances when he proffers his assistance, he might say: "Don't you think you had better

~~__________________________ Sa_l_u_ta_tl_o_ns_o~f_C_o_u_rt_es~ V

take my arm? You might trip." Or-"Wouldn't it be easier if you took my arm along here? The going is pretty bad." Otherwise the only occasions on which a gentleman: offers his arm to a lady are in taking her in at a formal dirlher) or taking her in to supper at a ball, or when he is an usher at a wedding. Even in walking. , across a ballroom, except at a public ball in the grand march, it is the present fashion for the younger generation to walk side by side, never arm in arm. This, however, is merely an instance where etiquette and the custom of 'the moment differ. Old-fashioned gentlemen still offer their arm, and it is, and long will be, in accordance with etiquette to do so. But etiquette does not permit a gentleman to take a lady's arm! In seeing a lady to her carriage or motor, it is quite correct for a gentleman to put his hand under her elbow to assist her; and in helping her out he should alight first and offer her his hand. He should not hold a parasol over her head unless momentarily while she searches in her wrist-bag for something, or stops perhaps to put on or take off her glove, or do anything that occupies both hands. With an umbrella the ccise is different, especially in a sudden and driving rain, when she is often very busily occupied in trying to hold "good" clothes out of the wet and a hat on, as well. She may also, under these circumstances, take the gentleman's arm, if the "going" is thereby made any easier. A Lady Never "On The Left"

The owner always sits on the right hand side of the rear seat of a carriage or a motor, that is driven by a coachman or a chauffeur. If the vehicle belongs to a lady, she should take her own place always, unles? she relinquishes it to a guest whose rank is above her own, such as that of the wife of the President or the Governor. If a man is the owner, he must, on the contrary, give a lady the right hand seat. Whether in a private carriage,' a car or a taxi, a lady must never sit on a gentleman'S left; because according to /'

~t1

Salutations of Courtesy [175

European etiquette, a lady "on the left" is not a "lady." Although this etiquette is not strictly observed in America, no gentleman should risk allowing even a single foreigner to misinterpret a lady's position. AWKWARD QUESTIONS OF PAYMENT It is becoming much less-customary than it used to be for a gentleman to offer to pay a lady's way. If in taking a ferry or a subway, a young woman stops to buy magazines, chocolates, or other trifles, a young man accompanying her usually offers to pay for them. She quite as usually answers: "Don't bother, I have it!" and puts the change on the counter. It would be awkward for him to protest, and bad taste to press the point. But usually in small matters such as a subway fare, he pays for two. If he invites her to go to a ball game, or to a matinee or to tea, he naturally buys the tickets and any refreshment which they may have. Very often it happens that a young woman and a young man who are bound for the same house party, at a few hours' distance from the place where they both live, take the same train-either by accident or by pre-arrangement. In this case the young woman should pay for every item of her journey. She should not let her companion pay for her parlor car seat or for her luncheon; nor should he, when they arrive at their destination, tip the porter for carrying her bag. A gentleman who is by chance sitting next to a lady of his acquaintance on a train or boat, should never think of offering to pay for her seat or for anything she may buy from the vendor.

THE "ESCORT" Notwithstanding the fact that he is met, all dressed in his best store clothes, with his "lady friend" leaning on his arm, in the pages of counterfeit society novels and unauthoritative books on etiquette, there is no such actual person known to good society-at least not in New York or any great city-as an escort. He is not only unknown,

~~___________________________ Sa_l_u_ta_tl_·on_s_o~f_C_o_u_rt_e_sy~

but he is impossible. In good society ladies do not goI about under the "care of" gentlemen! It is unheard of for a gentleman to "take" a young girl alone to a dance or to dine-, or to parties of any description; nor can she accept his sponsorship anywhere whatsoever. A well behaved young girl goes to public dances only when properly chaperoned and to a private dance with her mother or else accompanied by her maid, who waits for her the entire evening in the dressing room. It is not only improper, it is impossible for any man to take a lady to a party of any sort, to which she has not been personally invited by the hostess. A lady may never be under the "protection" of a man anywhere! A young girl is not even taken about by her betrothed. His friends send invitations to her on his account, it is true, and, if possible, he accompanies her, but correct invitations must be sent by them to her, or she should not go. Older ladies are often thoughtless and say to a young man: "Bring your fiancee to see me!" His answer should be: "Indeed, 1'd love to any time you telephone her"; or, "I know she'd love to come if you'd ask her." If the lady stupidly persists in casually saying, "Do bring her," he must smile and say lightly: "But I can't bring her without an invitation from you." Or, he merely evades the issue, and does not bring her. THE RESTAURANT CHECK

Everyone has at some time or other been subjected to the awkward moment when the waiter presents the check to the host. For a host to count up the items is suggestive of parsimony, while not to look at them is disconcertingly reckless, and to pay before their faces for what his guests have eaten is embarrassing. Having the check presented to a hostess when gentlemen are among her guests, is more unpleasant. Therefore, to avoid this whole transaction, people who have not charge accounts, should order the meal ahead, and at the same time pay for it in advance,

Salutations of Courtesy

rt77

including the waiter's tip. Charge customers should make arrangements to have the check presented to them elsewhere than at table. IN STORES OR SHOPS Lack of consideration for those who in any capacity serve you, is always an evidence of ill-breeding, as well as of inexcusable selfishness. Occasionally a so-called "lady" who has nothing whatever to do but drive uptown or down in her comfortable limousine, vents her irritability upon a saleswoman at a crowded counter in a store, because she does not leave other customers and wait immediately upon her. Then, perhaps, when the article she asked for is not to be had, she complains to the floor-walker about the saleswoman's stupidity! Or having nothing that she can think of to occupy an empty hour on her hands, she demands that every sort of material be dragged down from the shelves until, discovering that it is at last time for her appointment, she yawns and leaves. Of course, on the other hand, there is the genuinely lethargic saleswoman whose mind doesn't seem to register a single syllable that you have said to her; who, with complete ~difference to you and your preferences, insists on showing what you distinctly say you do not want, and who caps the climax by drawling "They" are wearing it this season! Does that sort of saleswoman ever succeed in selling anything? Does anyone living buy anything because someone, who knows nothing, tells another, who is often an expert, what an indiscriminating "They" may be doing? That kind of a saleswoman would try to tell Kreisler that "They" are not using violins this season! There are always two sides to the case, of course, and it is a credit to good manners that there is scarcely ever any friction in stores and shops of the first class. Salesmen and women are usually persons who are both patient and polite, and their customers are most often ladies in fact as well as "by courtesy." Between those before and those behind the

~~___________________________ Sa_l_u_ta_tl_'o_ns_o~f_C_o_u_rt_es_y~

counters, there has sprung up in many instances a relationship of mutual goodwill and friendliness. It is, in fact, only the woman who is afraid that someone may encroach upon her exceedingly insecure dignity, who shows neither courtesy nor consideration to any except those whom she considers it to her advantage to please. REGARD FOR OTHERS

Consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behaviour in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built. Rule of etiquette the first-which hundreds of others merely paraphrase or explain or elaborate-is: Never do anything that is unpleasant to others. Never take more than your share-whether of the road in driving a car, of chairs on a boat or seats on a train, or food at the table. People who picnic along the public highway leaving a clutter of greasy paper and swill (not a pretty name, but neither is it a pretty object!) for other people to walk or drive past, and to make a breeding place for flies, and furnish nourishment for rats, choose a disgusting way to repay the land-owner for the liberty they took in temporarily occupying his property. AT THE OPERA, THE THEATRE, AND OTHER PUBLIC GATHERINGS

Excepting a religious ceremonial, there is no occasion where greater dignity of manner is required of ladies and gentlemen both, than in occupying a box at the opera. For a gentleman especially no other etiquette is so exacting. In walking about in the foyer of the opera house, a gentleman leaves his coat in the box-or in his orchestra chair-but he always wears his high hat. The "collapsible" hat is for use in the seats rather than in the boxes, but it can be worn perfectly well by a guest in the latter if he hasn't a "silk" one. A gentleman must always be in full dress, tail coat,

Salutations of Courtesy

It79

white waistcoat, white tie and white gloves whether he is seated in the orchestra or a box. He wears white gloves nowhere else except at a ball, or when usher at a wedding. As people usually dine with their hostess before the opera, they arrive together; the gentlemen assist the ladies to lay off their wraps, one of the gentlemen (whichever is nearest) draws back the curtain dividing the ante-room from the box, and the ladies enter, followed by the gentlemen, the last of whom closes the curtain again. If there are two ladies besides the hostess, the latter places her most distinguished or older guest in the corner nearest the stage. The seat furthest from the stage is always her own. The older guest takes her seat first, then the hostess takes her place, whereupon the third lady goes forward in the centre to the front of the box, and stands until one of the gentlemen places a chair for her between the other two. (The chairs are arranged in three rows, of one on either side with an aisle left between.) One of the duties of the gentlemen is to see that the curtains at the back of the box remain tightly dosed, as the light from the ante-room shining in the faces of others in the audience across the house is very disagreeable to them. A gentleman never sits in the front row of a box, even though he is for a time alone in it. It is the custom for a gentleman who is a guest in one box to pay visits to friends in other boxes during the entr' actes. He must visit none but ladies of his acquaintance and must never enter a box in which he knows only the gentlemen, and expect to be introduced to the ladies. If Arthur Norman, for instance, wishes to present a gentleman to Mrs. Gilding in her box at the opera, he must first ask her if he may bring his friend James Dawson. (He would on no account speak of him as Mr. Dawson unless he is an elderly person.) A lady's box at the opera is actually her house, and only those who are acceptable as visitors in her house should ask to be admitted. B~t it is quite correct for a gentleman to go into a

~~___________________________ Sa_l_u_m_tz_o_ns_o~f_C_o_u_rt_e_sy~

stranger's box to speak to a lady who is a friend of his, just as he would go to see her if she were staying in a stranger's house,. But he should not go into the box of one he does not know, to speak to a lady with whom he has only a slight acquaintance, since visits are not paid quite so casually to ladies who are themselves visitors. Upon a gentleman's entering a box it is obligatory for whoever is sitting behind the lady to whom the arriving gentleman's visit is addressed, to relinquish his chair. Another point of etiquette is that a gentleman must never leave the ladies of his own box alone. Occasionally it happens that the gentlemen in Mrs. Gilding's box, for instance, have all relinquished their places to visitors and have themselves gone to Mrs. Worldly's or Mrs. Jones' or Mrs. Town's boxes. Mrs. Gilding's guests must, from the vantage point of the Worldly, Jones or Town boxes, keep a watchful eye on their hostess and instantly return to her support when they see her visitors about to leave, even though the ladies whom they are momentarily visiting be left to themselves. .. It is of course the duty of the other gentlemen who came to the opera with Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Town to hurry to them. A gentleman must never stay in any box that he does not belong in, after the lowering of the lights for the curtain. Nor, in spite of cartoons to the contrary, does good taste permit conversation during the performance or during the overture. Box holders arriving late or leaving before the final curtain do so as quietly as possible and always without speaking. A "Brilliant Opera Night"

A "brilliant opera night," which one often hears spoken of (meaning merely that all the boxes are occupied, and that the ladies are more elaborately dressed than usual) is generally a night when a leader of fashion such as Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Gilding, or Mrs. Toplofty, is giving a ball; and most of the holders of the parterre boxes are in ball dresses, with an unusual display of jewels. Or a house will

Salutations of Courtesy ~

be particularly "brilliant" if a very great singer is appearing in a new role, or if a personage be present, as when Marshal Joffre went to the Metropolitan. After The Performance

One gentleman, at least, must wait in the carriage lobby until all the ladies in his party have driven away. Never under any circumstances may "the last" gentleman leave a lady standing alone on the sidewalk. It is the duty of the hostess to take all unattended ladies home who have not a private conveyance of their own, but the obligation does not extend to married couples or odd men. But if a married lady or widow has ordered her own car to come for her, the odd gentleman waits with her until it appears. It is then considerate for her to offer him a "lift," but it is equally proper for her to thank him for waiting and drive off alone. At The Theater

New Yorkers of highest fashion almost never occupy a box at the theater. At the opera the world of fashion is to be seen in the parterre boxes (not the first tier), and in boxes at some of the horse shows and at many public charity balls and entertainments, but those in boxes at the theater are usually "strangers" or "outsiders." No one can dispute that the best theater seats are those in the centre of the orchestra. A box in these days of hatlessness has nothing to recommend it except that the people can sit in a group and gentlemen can go out between the acts easily, but these advantages hardly make up for the disadvantage to four or at least three out of the six box occupants who see scarcely a slice of the stage. WILL YOU DINE AND GO TO THE PLAY? There is no more popular or agreeable way of entertaining people than to ask them to "dine and go to the play." The majority do not even prefer to have "opera" substituted for "play," because those who care for serious

~~___________________________ Sa_l_u~ta~tl~'o~ns~o~f_C_o_u_rt~e~sy~

music are a minority compared with those who like the theater. If a bachelor gives a small theater party he usually takes his guests to dine at the Fitz-Cherry or some other fashionable and amusing" restaurant, but a married couple living in their own house are more likely to dine at home, unless they belong to a type prevalent in New York which is "restaurant mad." The Gildings, in spite of the fact that their own chef is the best there is, are much more apt to dine in a restaurant before going to a play - or if they don't dine in a restaurant, they go to one for supper afterwards. But the Normans, if they ask people to dine and go to the theater, invariably dine at home. A theater party can of course be of any size, but six or eight is the usual number, and the invitations are telephoned: "Will Mr. and Mrs. Lovejoy dine with Mr. and Mrs. Norman at seven-thirty on Tuesday and go to the play?" Or "Will Mr. and Mrs. Oldname dine with Mr. Clubwin Doe on Saturday at the Toit d'Or and go to the play?" When Mr. and Mrs. Oldname "accept with pleasure" a second message is given: "Dinner will be at 7.30." Mrs. Norman's guests go to her house. Mr. Doe's guests meet him in the foyer of the Toit d'Or. But the guests at both dinners are taken to the theater by their host. If a dinner is given by a hostess who has no car of her own, a guest will sometimes ask: "Don't you want me to have the car come back for us?" The hostess can either say to an intimate friend "Why, yes, thank you very much," or to a more formal acquaintance, "No, thank you just the same-I have ordered taxis." Or she can accept. There is no rule beyond her own feelings in the matter. Mr. Doe takes his guests to the theater in taxis. The Normans, if only the Lovejoys are dining with them, go in Mrs. Norman's little town car, but if there are to be six or eight, the ladies go in her car and the gentlemen follow in a taxi. 1/

Tickets Boug'ht In Advance

Before inviting anyone to go to a particular play, a

Salutations of Courtesy

jTs3

hostess must be sure that good tickets are to be had. She should also try to get seats for a play that is new; since it is dull to take people to something they have already seen. This is not difficult in cities where new 'plays come to town every week, but in New York, where the same ones run for a year or more, it is often a choice between an old good one or a new one that is poor. If intimate friends are coming, a hostess usually asks them what they want to see and tries to get tickets accordingly. It is really unnecessary to add that one must never ask people to go to a place of public amusement and then stand in line to get seats at the time of the performance. GOING DOWN THE AISLE OF A THEATER

The host, or whichever gentleman has the tickets, (if there is no host, the hostess usually hands them to one of the gentlemen before leaving her house), goes down the aisle first and gives the checks to the usher, and the others follow in the order in which they are to sit and which the hostess must direct. It is necessary that each knows who follows whom, particularly if a theater party arrives after the curtain has gone up. . If the hostess "forgets," the guests always ask before trooping down the aisle "How do you want us to sit?" For nothing is more awkward and stupid than to block the aisle at the row where their seats are, while their hostess "sorts them"; and worse yet, in her effort to be polite, sends the ladies to their seats first and then lets the gentlemen stumble across them to their own places. Going down the aisle is not a question of precedence, but a question of seating. The one who is to sit eighth from the aisle, whether a lady or a gentleman, goes first, then the seventh, then the sixth, and if the gentleman with the checks is fifth, he goes in his turn and the fourth follows him. If a gentleman and his wife go to the theater alone, the question as to who goes down the aisle first depends on, where the usher is. If the usher takes the checks at the head of the aisle, she follows

~~__________________________ Sa_l_u_m_tl_ol_1S_o~f_C_o_u_rt_es~y

the usher. Otherwise the gentleman goes first with the checks. When their places are shown him, he stands aside for his wife to take her place first and then he takes his. A lady never sits in the aisle seat if she is with a gentleman. GOOD MANNERS AT THE THEATER

In passing across people who are seated, always face the stage and press as close to the backs of the seats you are facing as you can. Remember also not to drag anything across the heads of those sitting in front of you. At the moving pictures, especially when it is dark and difficult to see, a coat on an arm passing behind a chair can literally devastate the hair-dressing of a lady occupying it. If you are obliged to cross in front of some one who gets up to let you pass, say "Thank you," or "Thank you very much" or "I am very sorry." Do not say "Pardon me!" or "Beg pardon!" Though you can say "I beg your pardon." That, however, would be more properly the expression to use if you brushed your coat over their heads, or spilled water over them, or did something to them for which you should actually beg their pardon. But "Beg pardon," which is an abbreviation, is one of the phrases never said in best society. Gentlemen who want to go out after every act should always be sure to get aisle seats. There are no greater theater pests than those who come back after the curtain has gone up and temporarily snuff out. the view of everyone behind, as well as annoy those who are obliged to stand up and let them by. Between the acts nearly all gentlemen go out and smoke at least once, but those wedged in far from the aisle, who file out every time the curtain drops are utterly lacking in consideration for others. Iftliere are five acts, they shduld at most go our for two entr' actes and even then be careful to come back before the curtain goes up. Very Inconsiderate To Giggle And Talk

Nothing shows less consideration for others than to

Salutatio1ls of Courtesy [185

whisper and rattle programmes and giggle and even make audible remarks throughout a performance. Very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them. If Mary and Johnny and Susy and Tommy want to talk and giggle, why not arrange chairs in rows for them in a drawing-room, turn on a phonograph as an accompaniment and let them sit there and chatter! If those behind you insist on talking it is never good policy to turn around and glare. If you are young they pay no attention, and if you are older-most young people think an angry older person the funniest sight on earth! The small boy throws a snowball at an elderly gentleman for no other reason! The only thing you can do is to say amiably: "I'm sorry, but I can't hear anything while you talk." If they still persist, you can ask an usher to call the manager. The sentimental may as well realise that every word said above a whisper is easily heard by those sitting directly in front, and those who tell family or other private affairs might do well to remember this also.As a matter of fact, comparatively few people are ever anything but well behaved. Those who arrive late and stand long, leisurely removing their wraps, and who insist en laughing and talking are rarely encountered; most people take their seats as quietly and quickly as they possibly can, and are quite as much interested in the play and therefore as attentive and quiet as you are. A very annoying person at the "movies" is one who reads every "caption" out loud. PROPER THEATER CLOTHES

At the evening performance in New York a lady wears a dinner dress; a gentleman a dinner coat, often called a Tuxedo. Full dress is not correct, but those going afterwards to a ball can perfectly well go to the theater first if they do not make themselves conspicuous. A lady in a ball dress

~~__________________________~Sa~l~u~ta~tl~'o~ns~o~f~C~o~u~rt~e~sV~

and many jewels should avoid elaborate hair ornamentation and must keep her wrap, or at least a sufficiently opaque scarf, about her shoulders to avoid attracting people's attention. A gentleman in full dress is not conspicuous. And on the subject of theater dress it might be tentatively remarked that prinking and "making up" in public are all part of an age which can not see fun in a farce without bedroom scenes and actors in pajamas, and actresses running about in negliges with their hair down. An audience which night after night watches people dressing and undressing probably gets into an unconscious habit of dressing or prinking itself. In other days it was always thought that so much as to adjust a hat-pin or glance in a glass waS lack of breeding. Every well brought up young woman was taught that she must finish dressing in her bedchamber. But to-day young women in theaters, restaurants, and other public places, are continually studyitlg their reflection in little mirrors and patting their hair and powdering their noses and fixing this or adjusting that in a way that in Mrs. Oldname's girlhood would have absolutely barred them from good society; nor can Mrs. Worldly or Mrs. Oldname be imagined "preening" and "prinking" anywhere. They dress as carefully and as beautifully as possible, but when they turn away from the mirrors in their dressing rooms they never look in a glass or "take note of their appearance" until they dress again. And it must be granted that Lucy Gilding, Constance Style, Celia Lovejoy, Mary Smartlington and the other well-bred members of the younger set do not put finishing touches on their faces in public-as yet! THE COURTESY OF SENDING TICKETS EARLY Most people are at times "oblig'ed" to take tickets for various charity entertainments-balls, theatricals, concerts or pageants-to which, if they do not care to go themselves, they give away their tickets. Those who intend giving tickets

Salutations of Courtesy

rw

should remember that a message, "Can you use two tickets for the Russian ballet to-night?" sent at seven o'clock that same evening, after the Lovejoys have settled themselves for an evening at home (Celia having decided not to curl her hair and Donald having that morning sent his--only dinner coat to be re-faced) can not give the same pleasure that their earlier offer would have given. An opera box sent on the morning of the opera is worse, since to find four music-loving people to fill it on such short notice at the height of the season is an undertaking that few care to attempt. A BIG THEATER PARTY A big theater party is one of the favourite entertainments given for a debutante. If fifty or more are to be asked, invitations are sometimes engraved. On the evening of the theater party, Mrs. Toplofty herself stands in the lobby to receive the guests. As soon as any who are to sit next to each other have arrived, they are sent into the theater; each gives her (or his) ticket to an usher and sits ir.. the place allotted to her (or him). It is well for the hostess to have a seat plan for her own use in case thoughtless young people mix their tickets all up and hand them to an usher in a bunch! And yet-if they do mix themselves to their own satisfaction, she would better "leave them" than attempt to disturb a plan that may have had more method in it than madness. When the last young girl has arrived, Mrs. Toplofty goes into the theater herself (she does not bother to wait for any boys), and in this one instance she very likely sits in a stage box so as to "keep her eye on them," and with her she has two or three of her own friends. After the theater, big motor busses drive them all either to the house of the hostess or to a hotel for supper and to dance. If they go to a hotel, a small ballroom must be engaged and the dance is a private one; it would be considered out of place to take a lot of very young people to a public cabaret.

188~!__________~---------------Sa-l-u-ta-tl-·Ol~lS~o~f~C~o~u~rt~~~v

Carelessly chaperoned young girls are sometimes, it is true, seen in very questionable places because some of the so-called dancing restaurants are perfectly fit and proper for them to go to; many other places however, are not, and for the sake of general appearances it is safer to make it a rule that no very young girl should go anywhere after the theater except to a private house or a private dance or ball. Older people, on the other hand, very often go for a supper to one of the cabarets for which New York is famous (or infamous?), or perhaps go to watch a vaudeville performance at midnight, or dance, or do both together. Others, if they are among the great majority of "quiet" people, go home after the theater, especially if they have dined with their hostess (or host) before the play. DON'T BE LATE

When you are dining before going to the opera or theater you must arrive on the stroke of the hour for which you are asked; it is one occasion when it is inexcusable to be late. In accepting an invitation for lunch or dinner after which you are going to a game, or any sort of performance, you must not be late! Nothing is more unfair to others who are keen about whatever it is you are going to see, than to make them miss the beginning of a performance through your thoughtless selfishness. For this reason box-holders who are music-lovers do not ask guests who have the "late habit" to dine before the opera, because experience has taught them they will miss the overture and most of the first act if they do. Those, on the other hand, who care nothing for music and go to the opera to see people and be seen, seldom go until most if not all of the first act is over. But these in turn might give music-loving guests their choice of going alone in time for the overture and waiting for them in the box at the opera, or having the pleasure of dining with their hostess but missing most of the first part.

Salutations of Courtesy

1189

AT GAMES, THE CIRCUS OR ELSEWHERE

Considerate and polite behaviour by each member of an audience is the same everywhere. At out-door games, or at the circus, it is not necessary to stop talking. In fact, a good deal of noise is not out of the way in "rooting" at a match, and a circus band does not demand silence in order to appreciate its cheerful blare. One very great annoyance in open air gatherings is cigar smoke when blown directly in one's face or worse yet the smoke from a smouldering cigar. It is almost worthy of a study in air currents to discover why with plenty of space all around, a tiny column of smoke will make straight for the nostrils of the very one most nauseated by it! The only other annoyance met with at ball games or parades or wherever people occupy seats on the grandstand, is when some few in front get excited and insist on standing up. If those in front stand-those behind naturally have to! Generally people call out "down in front." If they won't stay "down," then all those behind have to stay "up." Also umbrellas and parasols entirely blot out the view of those behind.

Chapter 10

Modern Dating Dating etiquette has no hard and fast rules but what we've done is set some out for you anyways. If you follow the plan below, we guarantee that if you don't get a second date, it's simply because they're not interested in you and not because you behaved inappropriately. Not quite as comforting as you'd like us to be? Okay, we're sorry. When we do something wrong we apologize. That's just good dating manners and proper etiquette, after all, and that's why you're reading this, right? The guidelines set out below will help build comfort between you and your date and that's integral to moving any relationship forward. • No rides on the first date. You never know who you're going to meet. To avoid any uncomfortable situations, agree on a meeting place. If they don't have access to transportation, offer to meet them near their home, but not at it. • Have coin for coffee. If you're the man you should always pay on the first date so keeping it simple is essential to an active dating schedule! • Sleep the night before. Sleep a lot. You need to be energetic and on your game and droopy eyes and yawning while you chat gives the wrong impression. • Always arrive early. Aim for at least 15 minutes before the date is to begin. That will give you time to find a good seat and get comfortable and

Modern Dating

•

•

•

•

•

•

f191

relaxed. There's nothing worse than being inconsiderate on your first date. Making people wait is rude. If you're going to be late, make sure to call. Dating needs to be as planned as well as the most important events of your life. You don't want to let Mister or Misses Right slip through your fingers because you ran late buttering your toast. Get engaged. No, not like that - at least never on the first date! Eye contact is key. If you're looking around the room, scoping the cute guy/girl in the corner or blankly gazing at a spot on her shirt where her breasts happen to be, you're saying something to the person across from you - and it's not something good! Eye contact can be scary at first, but with practice you can improve and your date will be appreciative that you've tuned in. Make sure conversation is going both ways. You need to be as interested in them as you are yourself. If you're the shy type, make sure to think of stories beforehand so that your date isn't expected to carry the conve~sation. Dates are like relationships; they're all about balance. Honestly, honesty is the best policy. It's the only policy, really. You're trying to build a relationship and it needs to be built on truth. Sex, politics, money and religion are off the discussion list, for sure. There're no better ways to ruin chances of a second date than to argue, get too personal or sound perverted on the first. However, if you're looking for an early out, you can always use them to ensure the date ends quickly! Always be polite. If things start going badly, let them know that things just aren't working out. Always leave on good terms as you never know where these people will pop up down the line.

~~_______________________________A1~o~d~er~l1~D~a~t~il~lg

•

A peck on the cheek is the most you should even consider expecting at the end of a date, and only if they kiss you. Second dates are a different story, but you're not there yet! That's it, that's all! You're armed and ready to march into the world of dating with good manners as your guide. You'll never have to worry about turning off your date because of poor etiquette any more. Now all the pressure is where it should be: on your ability to charm! Good luck!

Chapter 11

The Hip Funeral Funeral etiquette is vital; the last thing one wants to do is upset the bereaved by being ignorant or clumsy. Probably the most hurtful act would be to keep silent because you just don't know what to do or say. Usually when a family member, friend or acquaintance dies your first reaction is a feeling of 'what can I do to make them feel better?' or 'what can I do to help'. Is there a specific custom that I should be aware of? Your second reaction is a feeling of hesitancy. You ask yourself, 'Will I be intruding during their grief?' Perhaps you feel your words would be totally inadequate to express your feelings of empathy and sympathy. We have written this page to assist you with accepted customs and some suggestions on how one can be of comfort to the bereaved. Some of the most frequently asked questions about funeral etiquette are about the service, the ashes, the dress, the religion, whether children should attend, floral arrangements and more. THE FUNERAL

Someone asked us, "Should I attend my ex-husband's father's funeral?" Our reply was: The main purpose of having a funeral (other than to bury the body) is for people to express their love and respect to the deceased and to get some personal closure and healing. Only you know how much you cared for your ex-father-in-Iaw. Also, you need

~~______________________________~Th~e~H~ip~F~u~lle~r~al

to consider your ex-husband's feelings at this sad time, if you are on good terms and your presence is not going to upset any members of his family, then by all means attend the funeral. Visiting the bereaved - should you visit immediately or wait for an invitation? Not only is it good funeral etiquette but it is common courtesy and caring to call on the bereaved to offer sympathy and help. Usually about 15 minutes is sufficient time to express your sympathy. However, if they are overwhelmed with grief or visitors, make it a short visit, if you know them well, take over the tea making and handling of the guests and ease the burden of having to cope with grief and visitors at the same time. What should I say? Words from the heart are more important than trying to use words from a book on funeral etiquette. So using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the deceased loved one are always appropriate. Family and loved ones usually just need to talk and express their feelings. Let them talk as much as they need without asking too many questions. They are not ~cessarily looking for a response from you. They are trying to understand what has happened and in their own way come to terms with the fact their loved one has gone. Just be there for them and if they are the type who usually embrace or kiss when greeting, a warm hug will be appreciated. Funeral Etiquette and Phoning - is it appropriate to phone the family? It is good etiquette to phone the family as soon as possible to offer your sympathy. Try to keep the call brief as others will probably be trying to call as well, also the family will more than likely be busy with visitors and funeral arrangements. Funeral Etiquette and E-mailing - is it appropriate to send an e-mail offering condolences? Condolences via email are appropriate only if you are not a close friend or relative of the family. But generally speaking, it is not good

The Hip Funeral

r195

funeral etiquette to send an email, a hand written note or card would be more appropriate. Private Funeral - what is it? Would it be a breach of funeral etiquette to attend without an invitation? A private funeral service is one that is closed to the public. Attendance is by invitation only. So unless you received a request from the family please do not attend, it would be considered intrusive and bad etiquette. However, you could phone the family and offer condolences or send a card or flowers. FOOD FOR THE BEREAVED FAMILY

During the days immediately following the death the family is usually too overwhelmed to carryon the normal every day living chores, such as cooking and cleaning. So food would be more than welcome. But before just bringing containers of food, check with the family to see what other people are bringing. I have had the experience of having so many containers of soup and pasta that I had absolutely no space in the refrigerator or freezer to keep it all. Also, I had no idea of which dish belonged to whom. FUNERAL ETIQUETTE FOR THE AFTER-FUNERAL GATHERING

Immediately after the funeral, the family sometimes invites the attendees to join them for food or a reception at their home or designated place. This gives everyone a chance to talk and provides some time to relax and refresh. Sometimes friends or church members will take it upon themselves to prepare food ahead of time for this gathering to relieve the family of this task. _ . .At no time does solemnity so possess our souls as when we stand deserted at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone. And the last place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in the seeming artificiality of etiquette; yet it is in the moment of deepest sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service.

~~_______________________________T_h_e_H_i~p_F_u_ll_er__ al

All set rules for social observance have for their object the smoothing of personal contacts, and in nothing is smoothness so necessary as in observing the solemn rites accorded our dead. It is the time-worn servitor, Etiquette, who draws the shades, who muffles the bell, who keeps the house quiet, who hushes voices and footsteps and sudden noises; who stands between well-meaning and importunate outsiders and the retirement of the bereaved; who decrees that the last rites shall be performed smoothly and with beauty and gravity, so that the poignancy of grief may in so far as possible be assuaged. FIRST DETAILS

As soon as death occurs, some one (the trained nurse usually) draws the blinds in the sick-room and tells a servant to draw all the blinds of the house. If they are not already present; the first act of some one at the bedside is to telephone or telegraph the immediate members of the family, the clergyman and the sexton of the church to which the family belong, and possibly one or two closest friends, whose competence and sympathy can be counted on-as there are many things which must be done for the stricken family as well as for the deceased. (The sexton of nearly every Protestant church is also undertaker. If he is not, then an outside funeral director is sent for.) If the illness has been a long one, it may be that the family has become attached to the trained nurse and no one is better fitted than she to turn her ministrations from the one whom she can no longer help, to those w~o have now very real need of just such care as~l1.e -can give. If the death was sudden, or the nurse unsympathetic or for other reasons unavailable, then a relative or a near friend of practical sympathy is the ideal attendant in charge. Consideration For The Family

Persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically. No

The Hip Funeral

f197

matter how calm and controlled they seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal. Their disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung, sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is a great solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from anyone or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of use nor be received. At such a time, to some people companionship is a comfort, others shrink from dearest fri~nds. One who is by choice or accident selected to come in contact with those in new affliction should, like a trained nurse, banish all consciousness of self; otherwise he or she will be of no service-and service is the only gift of value that can be offered. First Aid To The Bereaved

First of all, the ones in sorrow should be urged if possible to sit in a sunny room and where there is an open fire. If they feel unequal to going to the table, a very little food should be taken to them on a tray. A cup of tea or coffee or bouillon, a little thin toast, a poached egg, milk if they like it hot, or milk toast. Cold milk is bad for one who is already over-chilled. The cook may suggest something that appeals usually to their taste-but very little should be offered at a time, for although the stomach may be empty, the pal,ate rejects the thought of food, and digestion 'is never in best order. It sounds paradoxical to say that those in sorrow should be protected from all contacts, and yet that they must be constantly asked about arrangements and given little time to remain utterly undisturbed. They must think of people they want sent for, and they must decide the details of the

~~______________________________~Th~e~H~ip~F~u~ne~r~al

funeral; when they would like it held, and whether in church or at the house, whether they want special music or flowers ordered, and where the interment is to be. On Duty At Door

A friend or a servant is always stationed in the hall to open the door, receive notes and cards, and to take messages. In a big house the butler in his day clothes should answer the bell, with the parlor-maid to assist him, until a footman can procure a black livery and take his or her place. A parlor-maid or waitress at the door should wear either a black or gray dress, with her plainest white apron, collar and cuffs. Member Of Family In Charge

A close friend or male member of the family should be-if not at the door-as near the front hall as possible to see the countless people with whom details have to be arranged, to admit to a member of the family anyone they may want to see, and to give news to, or take messages from, others. As people come to the house to enquire and offer their services, he gives them commissions the occasion requires. The first friend who hurries to the house (in answer to the telephone message which announced the death) is asked to break the news to an invalid connection of the £amily, or he may be sent to the florist to order the bell hung, or to the station to meet a child arriving from, school. Notice To Papers

The sexton (or other funeral director) sends the notices to the daily papers announcing the death, and the time and place of the funeral. The form is generally selected by a membe~ of the family from among those appearing in that day's newspapers. These notices are paid for by the sexton and put on his bill. With the exception of the telephone messages or telegrams to relatives and very intimate friends,

______________________________T_h_e_H~~_Funeral

I 199

no other notices are sent out. Only those persons who are expected to go to the house at once have messages sent to them; all others are supposed to read the notice in the papers. When the notice reads "funeral private" and neither place nor time is given, very intimate friends are supposed to ask for these details at the house; others understand they are not expected. Hanging The Bell

As a rule the funeral director hangs crepe streamers on the bell; white ones for a child, black and white for a young person, or black for an older person. This signifies to the passerby that it is a house of mourning so that the bell will not be rung unnecessarily nor long. If they prefer, the family sometimes orders a florist to hang a bunch of violets or other purple flowers on black ribbon streamers, for a grown person; or white violets, white carnations-any white flower without leaves-on the black ribbon for a young woman or man; or white flowers on white gauze or ribbon for a child. CHECKING EXPENSES IN ADVANCE

It is curious that long association with the sadness of death seems to have deprived an occasional funeral director of all sense of moderation. Whether the temptation of "good business" gradually undermines his character- knowing as he does that bereaved families ask no questions-or whether his profession is merely devoid of taste, he will, if not checked, bring the most ornate and expensive casket in his establishment; he will perform every rite that his professional ingenuity for expenditure can devise; he will employ every attendant he has; he will order vehicles numerous enough for the cortege of a president; he will even, if thrown in contact with a bewildered chief-mourner, secure a pledge for the erection of an elaborate mausoleum. Some one, therefore, who has the family's interest at heart and knows their taste and purse, should go personally

~L_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_h_e_H_1L·p_F_u~n~el~·a_l

to the establishment of the undertaker, and not only select the coffin, but go carefully into the specification of all other details, so that everything necessary may be arranged for, and unnecessary items omitted. This does not imply that a family that prefers a very elaborate funeral should not be allowed to have one; but the great majority of people have moderate, rather than unlimited means, and it is not unheard of that a small estate is seriously depleted by vulgarly lavish and entirely inappropriate funeral expenses. One would be a poor sort who for the sake of friends would not willingly endure a little troublesome inquiry, rather than witness a display of splurge and bad taste and realise at the same time that the friends who might have been protected will be deluged with bills which it cannot but embarrass them to pay. HONORARY PALLBEARERS

The member of the family who is in charge will ask either when they come to the house, or by telephone or telegraph if they are at a distance, six or eight men who are close friends of the deceased to be the pallbearers. When a man has been prominent in public life, he may have twelve or more from among his political or business associates as well as his lifelong social friends. Near relatives are never chosen, as their place is with the women of the family. For a young woman, her own friends or those of her family are chosen. It is a service that may not under any circumstances except serious ill-health, be refused. The one in charge will tell the pallbearers where they are to meet. It used to be customary for them to go to the house on the morning of the funeral and drive to the church behind the hearse, but as everything tending to a conspicuous procession is being gradually done away with, it is often preferred to have them wait in the vestibule of the church. Honorary pallbearers serve only at church funerals. They do not carry the coffin for the reason that, being unaccustomed to bearing such a burden, one of them

The Hip Funeral

f201

might possibly stumble, or at least give an impression of uncertainty or awkwardness that might detract from the solemnity of the occasion. The sexton's assistants are trained for this service, so as to prevent in so far as is humanly possible a blundering occurrence. MOURNING FOR FUNERAL

Among those who come to the house there is sure to be a woman friend of the family whose taste and method of expenditure is similar to theirs. She looks through the clothes they have, to see if there is not a black dress or suit that can be used, and makes a list of only the necessary articles which will have to be procured. All dressmaking establishments give precedence to mourning orders and will fill a commission within twenty-four hours. These first things are made invariably without bothering the wearer with fitting. Alterations, if required, are made later. Or the mourning departments of the big stores and specialty shops are always willing to send a selection on approval, so that a choice can be made by the family in the privacy of their own rooms. Nearly always acquaintances who are themselves in mourning offer to lend crepe veils, toques and wraps, so that the garments which must be bought at first may be as few as possible. Most women have a plain black suit, or dress, the trimming of which can quickly be replaced with crepe by a maid or a friend. Most men are of standard size and can go to a clothier and buy a ready-made black suit. Otherwise they must borrow, or wear what they have, as no tailor can make a suit in twenty-four hours. "SITTING UP" NO LONGER CUSTOMARY

Unless the deceased was a prelate or personage whose lying-in-state is a public ceremony, or unless it is the especial wish of the relatives, the solemn vigil through long nights by the side of the coffin is no longer essential as a mark of veneration or love for the departed. Nor is the soulless body

~~______________________________ Th __ e_H~T_F_u_n_e_ra_1

dressed in elaborate trappings of farewell grandeur. Everything to-day is done to avoid unnecessary evidence of the change that has taken place. In case of a very small funeral the person who has passed away is sometimes left lying in bed in night clothes, or on a sofa in a wrapper, with flowers, but no set pieces, about the room, so that an invalid or other sensitive bereft one may say farewell without ever seeing the all too definite finality of a coffin. In any event the last attentions are paid in accordance with the wish of those most nearly concerned. EXTRA WORK FOR SERVANTS

Kindness of heart is latent in all of us, and servants, even if they have not been long with a family, rise to the emergency of such a time as that of a funeral, which always puts additional work upon them and often leaves them to manage under their own initiative. The house is always full of people, family and intimate friends occupy all available accommodation, but it is a rare household which does not give sympathy as generously below stairs as above; and he or she would be thought very heartless by their companions who did not willingly and helpfully assume a just share of the temporary tax on energy, time and consideration. CHURCH FUNERAL

The church funeral is the more trying, in that the family have to leave the seclusion of their house and face a congregation. On the other hand, many who find solemnity only in a church service with the added beauty of choir and organ, prefer to take their heartrending farewell in the House of God. ARRANGING AND RECORDING FLOWERS

An hour before the time for the service, if the family is Protestant, one or two woman friends go to the church to arrange the flowers which are placed about the chancel. Unless they have had unusual practise in such arrangement

The Hip Funeral

1203

they should, if possible, have the assistance of a florist, as effective grouping and fastening of heavy wreaths and sprays is apt to overtax the ingenuity of novices, no matter how perfect their usual taste may be. Whoever takes charge of the flowers must be sure to collect carefully all the notes and cards. They should always take extra pencils in case the points break, and write on the outside of each envelope a description of the flowers that the card was sent with. • "Spray of Easter lilies and palm branches tied with white ribbon." • "Wreath of laurel leaves and gardenias." • "Long sheaf of pink roses and white lilacs." These descriptions will afterwards help identify and recall the flowers when notes of thanks are sent. As the appointed time for the funeral draws near, the organ plays softly, the congregation gradually fills the church. The first pews on either side of the centre aisle are left empty. THE PROCESSIONAL

At the appointed time the funeral procession forms in the vestibule. If there is to be a choral service the minister and the choir enter the church from the rear, and precede the funeral cortege. Directly after the choir and clergy come the pallbearers, two by two, then the coffin covered with flowers and then the family - the chief mourner comes first, leaning upon the arm of her closest male relative. Usually each man is escort for a woman, but two women or two men may walk together according to the division of the family. If the deceased is one of four sons where there is no daughter, the mother and father walk immediately behind the body of their child, followed by the two elder sons and behind them the younger, with the nearest woman relative. If there is a grandmother, she walks with the eldest son and the younger two follow together. If it is a family of daughters who are following their father, the eldest daughter may walk with her mother, or the mother may walk with her brother, or a son-in-law. Although the

~~_______________________________T_h_e_H_i~p_F_u_ne_'r__ al

arrangement of the procession is thus fixed, those in affliction should be placed next to the one whose nearness may be of most comfort to them. A younger child who is calm and soothing would better be next to his mother than an older who is of more nervous temperament. At the funeral of a woman, her husband sometimes walks alone, but usually with his mother or his daughter. A very few intimate friends walk at the rear of the family, followed by the servants of the household. At the chancel the choir take their accustomed places, the minister stands at the foot of the chancel steps, the honorary pallbearers take their places in the front pews on the left, and the coffin is set upon a stand previously placed there for the purpose. The bearers of the coffin walk quietly around to inconspicuous stations on a side aisle. The family occupy the front pews on the right, the rest of the procession fill vacant places on either side. The service is then read. THE RECESSIONAL

Upon the conclusion of the service, the procession moves out in the same order as it came in excepting that the choir remain in their places and the honorary pallbearers go first. Outside the church, the coffin is put into the hearse, the family getting into carriages or motors waiting immediately behind, and the flowers are put into a covered vehicle. (It is very vulgar to fill open landaus with displayed floral offerings and parade through the streets.) FEW GO TO THE BURIAL

If the burial is in the churchyard or otherwise within walking distance, the congregation naturally follows the family to the graveside. Otherwise, the general congregation no longer expects, nor wishes, to go to the interment which (excepting at a funeral of public importance) is witnessed only by the immediate family and the most intimate friends, who are asked if they" care to go." The long line of carriages that used to stand at the

The Hip Funeral

f205

church ready to be filled with a long file of mere acquaintances is a barbarous thing of the past. HOUSE FUNERAL

Many people prefer a house funeral- it is simpler, more private, and obviates the necessity for those in sorrow to face people. The nearest relatives may stay apart in an adjoining room or even upon the upper floor, where they can hear the service but remain in unseen seclusion. Ladies keep their wraps on. Gentlemen wear their overcoats or carry them on their arms and hold their hats in their hands. MUSIC

To many people there is lack of solemnity in a service outside of a church and lacking the accompaniment of the organ. It is almost impossible to introduce orchestral music that does not sound either dangerously suggestive of the gaiety of entertainment or else thin and flat. A quartet or choral singing is beautiful and appropriate, if available, otherwise there is usually no music at a house funeral. HOUSE ARRANGEMENT

Some authorities say that only the flowers sent by very close friends should be shown at a house funeral, and that it is ostentatious to make a display. But when people, or societies, have been kind enough to send flowers, it would certainly be wanting in appreciation, to say the least, to relegate their offerings to the back yard-or wherever it is that the cavilers would have them hid! In a small house where flowers would be overpowering, it is customary to insert in the death notice: "It is requested that no flowers be sent," or "Kindly omit flowers." Arrangement for the service is usually made in the drawing-room, and the coffin is placed in front of the mantel, or between the windows, but always at a distance from the door, usually on stands brought by the funeral director, who also brings enough camp chairs to fill the

~~_______________________________Th __e_H_l~·p_F_u_ll~er_a_l

room without crowding. A friend, or a member of the family, collects the cards and arranges the flowers behind and at the side and against the stands of the coffin. If there is to be a blanket or pall of smilax or other leaves with or without flowers, fastened to a frame, or sewed on thin material and made into a covering, it is always ordered by the family. Otherwise, the wreaths to be placed on the coffin are chosen from among those sent by the family. THE SERVICE

As friends arrive, they are shown to the room where the ceremony is to be held, but they take their own places. A room must be apportioned to the minister in which to put on his vestments. At the hour set for the funeral the immediate family, if they feel like being present, take their places in the front row of chairs. The women wear small hats or toques and long crepe veils over their faces, so that their countenances may be hidden. The minister takes his stand at the head of the coffin and reads the service. At its conclusion the coffin is carried out to the hearse, which, followed by a small number of carriages, proceeds to the cemetery. It is very rare nowadays for any but a small group of relatives and intimate men friends to go to the cemetery, and it is not thought unloving or slighting of the dead for no women at all to be at the graveside. If any women are to be present and the interment is to be in the ground, some one should order the grave lined with boughs and green branches-to lessen the impression of bare earth. DISTANT COUNTRY FUNERAL

In the country where relatives and friends arrive by train, carriages or motors must be provided to convey them to the house or church or cemetery. If the clergyman has no conveyance of his own, he must always be sent for, and if the funeral is in a house, a room must be set apart for him in which to change his clothes. It is unusual for a family to provide a "special car."

The Hip Funeral

1207

Sometimes the hour of the funeral is announced in the papers as taking place on the arrival of a certain train, but. everyone who attends is expected to pay his own railway fare and make, if necessary, his own arrangements for lunch. Only when the country place where the funeral is held is at a distance from town and a long drive from the railway station, a light repast of bouillon, rolls and tea and sandwiches may be spread on the dining-room table. Otherwise refreshments are never offered -except to those of the family, of course, who are staying in the house. HOUSE RESTORED TO ORDER

While the funeral cortege is still at the cemetery, some one who is in charge at horne must see that the mourning emblem is taken off the belt that the windows are opened, the house aired from the excessive odor of flowers, and the blinds pulled up. Any furniture that has been displaced should be put back where it belongs, and unless the day is too hot a fire should be lighted in the library or principal bedroom to mL~ ke a little more cheerful the sad homecoming of the family. It is also well tu prepare a little hot tea or broth, and it should be brought them upon their return without their being asked if they would care for it. Those who are in great distress want no food, but if it is handed to them, they will mechanically take it, and something warm to start digestion and stimulate impaired circulation is what they most need. MOURNING

A generation or two ago the regulations for mourning were definitely prescribed, definite periods according to the precise degree of relationship of the mourner. One's real feelings, whether of grief or comparative indifference, had nothing to do with the outward manifestation one was obliged, in decency, to show. The tendency to-day is toward sincerity. People do not put on black for aunts, uncles and cousins unless there is a deep tie of affection as well as of

2DlnL-____________________________~Th~e~H~~~F~u~l1e~r~al blood. Many persons to-day do not believe in going into mourning at all. There are some who believe, as do the races of the East, that great love should be expressed in rejoicing in the re-birth of a beloved spirit instead of selfishly mourning their own earthly loss. But many who object to manifestations of grief, find themselves impelled to wear mourning when their sorrow comes and the number of those who do not put on black is still comparatively small. PROTECTION OF MOURNING

If you see acquaintances of yours in deepest mourning, it does not occur to you to go up to them and babble trivial topiCS or ask them to a dance or dinner. If you pass close to them, irresistible sympathy compels you merely to stop and press their hand and pass on. A widow, or mother, in the newness of her long veil, has her hard path made as little difficult as possible by everyone with whom she comes in contact, no matter on what errand she may be bent. A clerk in a store will try to wait on her as quickly and as attentively as possible. Acquaintances avoid stopping her with long conversation that could not but torture and distress her. She meets small kindnesses at every turn, which save unnecessary jars to supersensitive nerves. Once in a great while, a tactless person may have no better sense than to ask her abruptly for whom she is in mourning! Such people would not hesitate to walk over the graves in a cemetery! And fortunately, such encounters are few. Since many people, however, dislike long mourning veils and all crepe generally, it is absolutely correct to omit both if preferred, and to wear an untrimmed coat and hat of plainest black with or without a veil. A WORD OF ECONOMY

In the first days of stress, people sometimes give away every colored article they possess and not until later are they aware of the effort necessary, to say nothing of the expense,

The Hip Funeral

r209

of getting an entire new wardrobe. Therefore it is well to remember: Dresses and suits can be dyed without ripping. Any number of fabrics-all woolens, soft silks, canton crepe, georgette and chiffon, dye perfectly. Buttonholes have sometimes tobe re-worked, snap or hooks and eyes changed to black, a bit of trimming taken off or covered with dull braid, silk or crepe, and the clothes look every bit as well as though newly ordered. Straw hats can be painted with an easily applied stain sold in every drug and department store for the purpose. If you cannot trim hats yourself, a milliner can easily imitate, or, if necessary, simplify the general outline of the trimming as it was, and a seamstress can easily ewer dyed trimmings on dresses with crepe or dull silk. Also tan shoes-nearly all footwear made of leather-can be dyer! black and made to look like new by any first class shoema~(er. MOURNING MATERIALS

Lustreless silks, such as crepe de chine, georgette, chiffon, grosgrain, peau de so ie, dull finish chan,1euse and taffeta, and all plain woolen materials, are suit 1ble for deepest mourning. Uncut velvet is as deep mourl ing as crepe, but cut velvet is not mourning at all! Nor is sMin or lace. The only lace permissible is a plain or hemstitchel net known as "footing." Fancy weaves in stockings are not mourning, nor is bright jet or silver. A very perplexing decree is that clothes entirely of white are deepest mourning but the addition of a black belt or hat or gloves produces second mourning. Patent leather and satin shoes are not mourning. People in second mourning wear all combinations of black and white as well as clothes of gray and mauve. Many of the laws for materials seem arbitrary, and people interpret them with greater freedom than they used to, but never under any circumstances can one who is not entirely in colors wear satin embroidered in silver or trimmed with jet and lace! With the exception of wearing a small string of

~L_______________________________T_h~e~H~i~p~F_u~ll~er~a~1

pearls and a single ring, especially if it is an engagement ring, jewelry with deepest mourning is never in good taste. WHEN A VEIL IS NOT WORN

Nor should a woman ever wear a crepe veil to the theater or restaurant, or any public place of amusement. On the other hand, people left long to themselves and their own thoughts grow easily morbid, and the opera or concert or an interesting play may exert a beneficial relaxation. Gay restaurants with thumping strident musical accompaniment or entertainments of the cabaret variety, need scarcely be commented upon. But to go to a matinee with a close friend or relative is becoming more and more usual- and the picture theaters where one may sit in the obscurity and be diverted by the story on the silver screen which, requiring no mental effort, often diverts a sad mind for an hour or so, is an undeniable blessing. An observer would have to be much at a loss for material who could find anything to criticise in seeing a family together under such circumstances. One generally leaves off a long veil, however, for such an occasion and drives bareheaded, if it be evening, or substitutes a short black face veil over one's hat on entering and leaving a building in the daytime. MOURNING FOR COUNTRY WEAR

Except for church, crepe veils and clothes heavily trimmed with crepe are not appropriate in the countryever! Mourning clothes for the summer consist of plain black serge or tweed, silk or cotton material, all black with white organdy collar and cuffs, and a veil-less hat with a brim. Or one may dress entirely in dull materials of white. A WIDOW'S MOURNING

A widow used never to wear any but woolen materials, made as plain as possible, with deep-hemmed turn-back cuffs and collar of white organdy. On the street she wore a

The Hip Funeral

f2ll

small crepe bonnet with a little cap-border of white crepe or organdy and a long veil of crepe or nun's veiling to the bottom edge of her skirt, over her face as well as down her back. At the end of three months the front veil was put back from over her face, but the long veil was worn two years at least, and frequently for life. These details are identical with those prescribed to-day excepting that she may wear lustre less silks as well as wool, the duration of mourning may be shorter, and she need never wear her veil over her face except at the funeral unless she chooses. A widow of mature years who follows oldfashioned conventions wears deep mourning with crepe veil two years, black the third year and second mourning the fourth. But shorter periods of mourning are becoming more and more the custom and many consider three or even two years conventional. THE VERY YOUNG WIDOW

The young widow should wear deep crepe for a year and then lighter mourning for six months and second mourning for six months longer. There is nothing more utterly captivating than a sweet young face under a widow's veil, and it is not to be wondered at that her own loneliness and need of sympathy, combined with all that is appealing to sympathy in a man, results in the healing of her heart. She should, however, never remain in mourning for her first husband after she has decided she can be consoled by a second. There is no reason why a woman (or a man) should not find such consolation, but she should keep the intruding attraction away from her thoughts until the year of respect is up, after which she is free to put on colors and make happier plans. MOURNING WORN BY A MOTHER

A mother who has lost a grown child wears the same mourning as that prescribed for a widow excepting the white cap ruche. Some mothers wear mourning for their

~~_______________________________Th __e_H_i~p_F_u_n_er__ al

children always, others do not believe in being long in black for a spirit that was young, and, for babies or very young children, wear colorless clothes of white or gray or mauve. A DAUGHTER OR SISTER

A daughter or sister wears a long veil over her face at the funeral. The length of the veil may be to her waist or to the hem of her skirt, and it is worn for from three months to a year, according to her age and feelings. An older woman wears deep black for her parents, sisters and brothers for a year, and then lightens her mourning during the second year. A young girl, if she is out in society or in college, may wear a long veil for her parents or her betrothed, if she wants to, or she wears a thin net veil edged with crepe and the corners falling a short way down her back-or none at all. Very young girls of from fourteen to eighteen wear black for three months and then six months of black and white. They never wear veils of any sort, nor are their clothes trimmed in crepe. Children from eight to fourteen wear black and white and gray for six months for a parent, brother, sister or grandparent. Young children are rarely put into mourning, though their clothes are often selected to avoid vivid colour. They usually wear white witb no black except a hair ribbon for the girls and a necktie for the boys. Very little children in black are too pitiful. EXTREME FASHION INAPPROPRIATE

Fancy clothes in mourning are always offenses against good taste, because as the word implies, a person is in mourning. To have the impression of "fashion" dominant is contrary to the purpose of somber dress; it is a costume for the spirit, a covering for the visible body of one whose soul seeks the background. Nothing can be in worse taste than crepe which is gathered and ruched and puffed and pleated and made into waterfalls, and imitation ostrich feathers as a garnishing for a hat. The more absolutely plain, the more

The Hip Funeral

I2i3

appropriate and dignified is the mourning dress. A "long veil" is a shade pulled down - a protection - it should never be a flaunting arrangement to arrest the amazed attention of the passerby. 75 The necessity for dignity can not be overemphasized. BAD TASTE IN MOURNING

Mourning observances are all matters of fixed form, and any deviation from precise convention is interpreted by the world at large as signifying want of proper feeling. How often has one heard said of a young woman who was perhaps merely ignorant of the effect of her inappropriate clothes or unconventional behaviour: "Look at her! And her dear father scarcely cold in his grave!" Or "Little she seems to have cared for her mother-and such a lovely one she had, too." Such remarks are as thoughtless as are the actions of the daughter, but they point to an undeniable condition. Better far not wear mourning at all, saying you do not believe in it, than allow your unseemly conduct to indicate indifference to the memory of a really beloved parent; better - that a young widow should go out in scarlet and yellow on the day after her husband's funeral than wear weeds which attract attention on account of their flaunting bad taste and flippancy. One may not, one must not, one can not wear the very last cry of exaggerated fashion in crepe, nor may one be boisterous or flippant or sloppy in manner, without giving the impression to all beholders that one's spirit is posturing, tripping, or dancing on the grave of sacred memory. This may seem exaggerated, but if you examine the expressions, you will find that they are essentially true. Draw the picture for yourself: A slim figure, if you like, held in the posture of the caterpillar slouch, a long length of stocking so thin as to give the effect of shaded skin above high-heeled slippers with sparkling buckles of bright jet, a short skirt, a scrappy, thin, low-necked, short-sleeved blouse

~~_______________________________T_h_e_H_i~p_F_u_n_er_a_l

through which white underclothing shows various edgings of lace and ribbons, and on top of this, a painted face under a long crepe veil! Yet the wearer of this costume may in nothing but appearance resemble the unmentionable class of women she suggests; as a matter of fact she is very likely a perfectly decent young person and really sad at heart, and her clothes and "make up" not different from countless others who pass unnoticed because their colored clothing suggests no mockery of solemnity. MOURNING WEAR FOR MEN

The necessity of business and affairs which has made withdrawal into seclusion impossible, has also made it customary for the majority of men to go into mourning by the simple expedient of putting a black band on their hat or on the left sleeve of their usual clothes and wearing only white instead of colored linen. A man never under any circumstances wears crepe. The band on his hat is of very fine cloth and varies in width according to the degree of mourning from two and a half inches to within half an inch of the top of a high hat. On other hats the width is fixed at about two and a half or three inches. The sleeve band, from three and a half to four and a half inches in width, is of dull broadcloth on overcoats or winter clothing, and of serge on summer clothes. The sleeve band of mourning is sensible for many reasons, the first being that of economy. Men's clothes do not come successfully from the encounter with dye vats, nor lend themselves to "alterations," and an entire new wardrobe is an unwarranted burden to most. Except for the one black suit bought for the funeral and kept for Sunday church, or other special occasion, only wealthy men or widowers go to the very considerable expense of getting a new wardrobe. Widowers-especially if they are elderly-always go into black (which includes very dark gray mixtures) with a deep black band on the hat, and of course, black ties and socks and shoes and gloves.

The Hip Funeral

rns

CONVENTIONS OF MOURNING FOR MEN

Although the etiquette is less exacting, the standards of social observance are much the same for a man as for a woman. A widower should not be seen at any general entertainment, such as a dance, or in a box at the opera, for a year; a son for six months; a brother for three-at least! The length of time a father stays in mourning for a child is more a matter of his own inclination. MOURNING LIVERY

Coachmen and chauffeurs wear black liveries in town. In the country they wear gray or even their ordinary whipcord with a black band on the left sleeve. The house footman is always put into a black livery with dull buttons and a black and white striped waistcoat. Maids are not put into mourning with the exception of a lady's maid or nurse who, through many years of service, has "become one of the family," and who personally desires to wear mourning as though for a relative of her own. ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF SYMPATHY

Under no circumstances should such cards be sent to intimate friends, or to those who have sent flowers or written personal letters. When some one with real sympathy in his heart has taken the trouble to select and send flowers, or has gone to the house and offered what service he might, or has in a spirit of genuine regard, written a personal letter, the receipt of words composed by a stationer and dispatched by a professional secretary is exactly as though his outstretched hand had been pushed aside. A family in mourning is in retirement from all social activities. There is no excuse on the score of their "having no time." Also no one expects a long letter, nor does any one look for an early reply. A personal word on a visiting card is all anyone asks for. The envelope may be addressed by some one else. It takes but a moment to write "Thank you," or "Thank

~~_______________________________T~h~e~H~i~p~F~u~n~er~al~

you for all sympathy," or "Thank you for your kind offers and sympathy." Or, on a sheet of letter paper: "Thank you, dear Mrs. Smith, for your beautiful flowers and your kind sympathy." Or: "Your flowers were so beautiful! Thank you for them and for your loving message." Or: "Thank you for your sweet letter. I know you meant it and I appreciate it." Many, many such notes can be written in a day. If the list is overlong, or the one who received the flowers and messages is in reality so prostrated that she (or he) is unable to perform the task of writing, then some member of her immediate family can write for her: "Mother (or father) is too ill to write and asks me to thank you for your beautiful flowers and kind message." Most people find a sad comfort as well as pain, in the reading and replying to letters and cards, but they should not sit at it too long; it is apt to increase rather than assuage their grief. Therefore, no one expects more than a wordbut that word should be seemingly personal. OBLIGATIONS OF PRESENCE AT FUNERALS

Upon reading the death notice of a mere acquaintance you may leave your card at the house, if you feel so inclined, or you may merely send your card. Upon the death of an intimate acquaintance or friend you should go at once to the house, write, "With sympathy" on your card and leave it at the door. Or you should write a letter to the family; in either case, you send flowers addressed to the nearest relative. On the card accompanying the flowers, you write, "With sympathy," "With deepest sympathy," or "With heartfelt sympathy," or "With love and sympathy." If there is a notice in the papers "requesting no flowers be sent," you send them only if you are a very intimate friend. Or if you prefer, send a few flowers with a note, immediately after the funeral, to the member of the famiiy

The Hip Funeral

Izi7

who is particularly your friend. If the notice says "funeral p.rivate" you do not go unless you have received a message from the family that you are expected, or unless you are such an intimate friend that you know you are expected without being asked. Where a general notice is published in the paper, it is proper and fitting that you should show sympathy by going to the funeral, even though you had little more than a visiting acquaintance with the family. You should not leave cards nor go to a funeral of a person with whom you have not in any way been associated or to whose house you have never been asked. But it is heartless and delinquent if you do not go to the funeral of one with whom you were associated in business or other interests, or to whose house you were often invited, or where you are a friend of the immediate members of the family. You should wear black clothes if you have them, or if not, the darkest, the least conspicuous you possess. Enter the church as quietly as possible, and as there are no ushers at a funeral, seat yourself where you approximately belong. Only a very intimate friend should take a position far up on the centre aisle. If you are merely an acquaintance you should sit inconspicuously in the rear somewhere, unless the funeral is very small and the church big, in which case you may sit on the end seat of the centre aisle toward the back.

Chapter 12

Men's and Women's Clothes With contemporary weddings ranging from full-blown black tie affairs to casual backyard parties, it's tricky for guests and participants to sort out the etiquette guidelines on attire-especially since Emily Post didn't take "theme weddings" into account. Etiquette, however, need not be simply a list of arbitrary "dos" and "don'ts." In fact, etiquette exists to make social interactions run more smoothly, and every etiquette guide includes a combination of common courtesy and specific rules. When there is no specific rule for a situation, one can always fall back on the general guidelines of common courtesy.

COMMON COURTESY FOR WEDDING GUESTS AND PARTICIPANTS Why do we Dress up for birthday parties, holiday dinners, and graduations? These are special events, so we dress accordingly, in clothes that differ from our everyday clothes. The sam~ hofds true for weddings. The wedding is an extremely speCial event to the couple and their loved ones. Dress to respect that fact and to celebrate their union. Even if you are not close to the couple, it is important that your attire not negatively affect the atmosphere of their celebration.

GUESTS Often, the couple will indicate a style of dress on the

Men's and Women's Clothes

r2i9

invitation. Here are some common, modern phrases that one might find on an invitation: CASUAL ATTIRE

"Casual attire" is perhaps the most confusing of all dress indicators. To some people, casual means shorts· and flip-flops; to others, it is a sport coat and slacks. When in doubt as to what exactly is meant by casual for this particular wedding, ask the couple or someone assisting with the wedding planning. It is always better to err on the side of overdressing. Therefore, when an invitation states "Casual Attire," do not just show up in the same clothes that you might wear to a baseball game or for running errands on a Sunday afternoon. • For men, slacks or khaki pants and dress shirts with or without ties are suitable; sport coats will dress up an ensemble a little more but is still in the realm of casual attire. A woman could wear a skirt or slacks with a blouse or a casual dress; avoid velvets, sequins, beading, and anything that looks too glitzy. THEME OR THEME OPTIONAL

When a couple is planning a theme wedding, such as a Renaissance event or a masquerade ball, often they will indicate whether guests should corne dressed a certain way. Typically this is optional, especially for elaborate themes where the guest would have to spend a great deal of time and money to procure the right outfit. When in doubt, ask the couple or someone assisting in planning the wedding. COCKTAIL ATTIRE

When an invitation states "Cocktail Attire," guests should dress to look chic and elegant, but not quite formal. For women, cocktail dresses, high heels, and evening bags are appropriate; men should wear dark suits (but not tuxedos).

~L______________________~Nf~en~'~s~al~ld~~~o~m~e~n~~~C~I~ot~h~es

BLACK TIE OPTIONAL

"Black Tie Optional" means that male guests may choose to wear tuxedos and female guests may wear evening gowns, but this is not required. However, this does not mean that one may arrive casually dressed to a "Black Tie Optional" wedding. Guests who choose to not wear full black tie should dress as formally as possible-for men, that means dark suits, and for women, that means at least cocktail-length dresses. BLACK TIE

When an invitation states "Black Tie/' there's no way around it: this wedding is a formal affair. Women should plan to wear long evening dresses and heels; men should wear tuxedos. However, what if the invitation doesn't indicate a style of dress? Then one must rely on the time of day for clues. Morning and afternoon weddings typically call for clothes that are dressier than "casual" but not formal. Light colors and materials are suitable. Men should wear sport coats, slacks, dress shirts, and ties; women should wear skirts, slacks, or non-formal dresses. For evening weddings, if no dress is indicated, one should dress as if for dinner at a very nice restaurant. Wear darker colors than for a daytime wedding, and beading, sequins, and fancier jewelry are acceptable. However, one should avoid formality - no tuxes or evening gowns. PARTICIPANTS

Members of the wedding party are expected to pay for their own attire, although it is becoming more common that the couple will pay for all or part of this expense in lieu of the traditional wedding party gifts. Participants in a wedding generally do not have much input as to their attire. The couple usually gives instructions to the male members of the party about what style of suit or tuxedo to rent or purchase. Traditionally, the bride selects dresses for the female members of the party.

Men's and Womell's Clothes

[221

However, some modern couples choose to select overall design and colour schemes, and then leave the dress selection up to the participants. If you find yourself in this position, you and the couple should be in agreement about major style elements. Make sure that you understand the degree of formality and whether you should be shopping for evening gowns or simple sheath dresses. If you have any doubts, take snapshots of a few options that you like and allow the couple to make the final selection. Finally, wedding guests and participants, take note that this wedding does not exist for you to be the centre of attention. By all means, express yourself with your attire, but follow any style indications given by the couple, as well as general guidelines for taste and courtesy. Remember, a wedding is the couple's time to shine! If you have a busy schedule, chances are you are going to have to eventually cancel an appointment. A cancelled appointment equates with changing another's schedule. When you cancel an appointment you are affecting the day of those with whom you are cancelling. Your reason may be important (you might have an emergency) it may be valid (conflict) or it may be an oversight (double-booking). It's possible, however, your need to cancel may be more selfish. You may have a better offer. That is where etiquette and consideration come in. Your first order of business is to begin your change of plans by calling and cancelling with style. Yes, I did say call. In this day of email, having to make an actual phone call might be a bit of a shock. But you are now impinging on someone else's day. Convenience is no longer about you. You allowed inconvenience to rule you when you decided to cancel the appointment. Now you need to make your decision convenient for the canceled. Proper etiquette insists the least you do is make a phone call and personally take care of this. If it's possible to talk to this person face to face then all the better. Odds are, however, that a phone call is much more reasonable.

~L-____________________~Nf~el~l'~s~an~d~~~o~m~e~Il~'s~C~I~ot~h=es~

Your phone call should begin with you asking, "Is this a good time to cam" Actually, most phone calls should begin with that little question. Making sure your call is convenient for them let's them know you care enough about what they are doing that you are willing to call back. Next you need to explain what your call is regarding. Simply say, "I'm calling about the appointment (or lunch or phone -call, etc.) we have scheduled for Wednesday at 3:00." Letting them know that you are talking about a specific time in both of your's week allows the listener to realise that you have them in your calendar and it's a quick recall for them. If there is something specific you were supposed to talk about you can mention that too. Now that you've called, .made sure it's a good time to talk and identified what you are calling about, all that's left is to simultaneously apologize that you need to cancel, explain what happened (or why you need to cancel) and then reschedule if necessary. Beginning by saying "I'm really sorry, Mary, but I'm going to have to cancel our appointment. You see, I've accidentally double-booked that time and the other appointment involved three other clients." Let's Mary know that you'd like to see her but rescheduling with her, the one person, is easier than affecting three other people's lives. Follow this up by apologizing again. "Mary, I realise this is inconvenient and I do apologize. Could we please reschedule for Friday of the same week? I have the same time of 3:00 available. What does your schedule look like?" Finally, it's a matter of ironing out the details of when to meet again. And make sure there are no possible conflicts for this future date. Once that's done you need to thank them for taking the time to talk, for understanding and rescheduling and then reconfirm ,when your future appointment is. Something like, "Mary, thanks so much for taking my call. I really appreciate your understanding about this cancellation. I'm looking forward to seeing you on

Men's and Women's Clothes

f223

Friday, the 22nd at 3:00. I'll see you here at my office. Thanks again, Mary. Good bye." Schedules are full and there's bound to be a conflict here and there. When you do need to cancel an appointment with another human being, keeping in mind that you are affecting their schedule and being conscious of that will make cancelling easier on them and on you. Being aware of specific religious or cultural differences can be helpful when attending a fune.ral. CHRISTIAN

In Western, Christian society there was a time when funeral etiquette ruled that everyone wore black to a burial or memorial service. Now it is no longer required that you wear all black. Your dress should be appropriately conservative and respectful for the family and others in attendance. Most men choose formal clothes like a suit, and would normally wear a black tie if they have one. However, if the deceased is a family member and the rest of the family have made the decision to wear black, perhaps you would consider falling in with them as this is not the appropriate time to make a stand about what is proper funeral dress etiquette. Funeral dress can vary even between the various branches of Christian customs, it is best to go with the funeral etiquette requirements laid down by the bereaved family's belief system. If you are not of the same belief as the bereaved family - make enquiries and make sure you are appropriately dressed so as not to offend anyone. Some Christian churches require one. to cover their head, if you cannot find a person to ask if it is a requirement, just take a scarf with you in case it is needed. This is a requirement in the Greek Orthodox Church and in some Catholic Churches. JEWISH

Depending on the religious sect, head coverings may be required as part of the funeral dress code. The Funeral Service takes place at the Synagogue where prayers,

~~________________________~ __ en_'_s_an_d__~_o_m_e_l1_'s_C __ lo_th_e__ s

eulogies and sermons will be conducted. For Orthodox services both sexes are required to cover their heads, yarmulkes for men and scarves for women. For Conservative services, only men are required to wear yarmulkes. And for Reformed services, the choice is optional. Most Synagogues will provide the head coverings if required. Black and dark coloured conservative clothing is the most respectful attire. MUSLIM

The funeral service takes place in a Mosque where shoes are required to be removed. Women and men sit separately in designated seats. Women are obligated to wear a headscarf. BUDDHISM

Wearing black or dark colours is not required. But it is appropriate to wear conservative clothing. However, the colour red is frowned upon at funerals. If the funeral service takes place in the Temple, it is required to remove your footwear. Make sure this is an easy task and if you are wearing socks that they are presentable. The funeral dress of the family is usually white because it is the colour for grieving. The family will sit at the front of the room and accept condolences from those in attendance. Those attending the funeral service are required to pay their condolences to the deceased and the family prior to the service at the funeral home. During the funeral service a family member will initiate the service by offering a eulogy and present a life history about the deceased .. Chanting sacred words will then take place. First a direct family member will ignite the incense and make a ritualistic offering. HINDU FUNERAL DRESS It is the funeral custom for family members to wear

white. Those attending the funeral should wear dark

Men's and Women's Clothes

rns

conservative clothing. Although sending flowers is not traditional, it is acceptable. Most people are comfortable dressing for their day-to-day lives, but dressing for a special occasion-particularly a formal one-can be daunting. GENERAL GROOMING TIPS

Before you get dressed up for a black-tie ball, you need to have the basics under control. Here are some fundamental grooming tips to keep in mind: • Keep clean: Bathe regularly, brush your teeth twice a day, and keep your nails tidy. • Smell good: Use deodorant to prevent body odor. If you use fragrance, keep it subtle. • Mind your clothes: Keep your clothes laundered and pressed. Repair tears and holes as soon as they appear, and remove stains immediately. • Shine your shoes: For formal occasions, always clean and polish your shoes. • Comb your hair: Keep your hair clean and get regular haircuts. If you colour your hair, don't let the roots get out of control. DRESS CODES

Many formal events have explicit dress codes, each of which calls for particular kinds of dress for both women and men. BLACK TIE AND WHITE TIE ATTIRE

One of the most challenging aspects of men's formalwear is knowing how to put on a cummer-bund and tie a bow tie. Cummerbunds should be worn so the flaps in the garment open up, so as to catch falling crumbs (the purported reason for the cummerbund's existence). You should always wear actual knotted ties when wearing formal wear. Never succumb to the temptation of a clipon. Tying bow ties and other formal knots can be challenging.

~~_______________________10 __el_1'_s_al_1d__ VV_o_m_e_n_~_C_I_ot_h_~_

HETEROGENEITY

Among Muslims in the Middle East and elsewhere, the most drastically difference of opinion about etiquette and propriety may exist between Conservative Muslims and Progressive Muslims. For example, a Muslim in RiYilcilland a believer bartender working in a gay club in Istanbul might both be Sunni Muslims with a great deal of faith in Allah, but they assuredly possess different belief systems regarding what is acceptable and what offends. Expectations about manners and etiquette will also vary along ethnic lines, especially in cases where people are the inheritors of different linguistic traditions. For example, Iranians are an ethnically and linguistically diverse people, distinct from Arabs and would therefore not practice customs that are distinctly Arabic. Customs might also vary along denominational lines within Islam, such as those divisions which exist between Shi'ites, Sunnis, and Alawites. OTHER RELIGIONS

The Middle East is home to many people who follow faiths besides Islam. Most notable among them are various Jewish denominations, the churches of Eastern Orthodox Christianity, Copts and other adherents of Oriental Orthodoxy, Maronites, Melkites, Zoroastrians, and Baha'is. All these people possess customs, traditions and beliefs distinct to their own cultural legacy and differing from those of Muslims, including ideas about what is good etiquette and what offends their sensabilities. In some cases, however, Muslims and non-Muslims in the Middle East will share characteristics, whether it is the prohibition against pork ordained by both kosher and halal dietary restrictions, a preference for the beverage widely known elsewhere as "Turkish coffee", or knowledge of how to conduct business in a crowded souk without being cheated. As coexistence, rather than conflict, has been the norm between people in the Middle East throughout much

Men's and Women's Clothes

r227

of history, it is a place where people with different beliefs often share the same traditions. POINTS OF ETIQUETTE Although the Middle East is a large expanse of geography with a variety of customs, noting the following points of etiquette can be useful when dealing with people around the world who have been raised according to the traditions of the Middle East or, in some cases, Muslim societies elsewhere. • Conducting business effectively in a souk or bazaar requires an understanding of how to haggle like the locals. This is an art requiring participants to be appropriately aggressive, keen to how much should be offered at a given point in a transaction, etc. • The modesty of one's personal attire is of great concern to many in the Middle East, although the parameters of this modesty vary. In Saudi Arabia, for example, many families expect all female members to wear a niqab or burqa while even men and women visiting from other cultures should wear very non-revealing clothes to avoid harsh confrontation. In another example, males and females in shorts, skimpy t-shirts or other "immodest" clothes might find themselves roughly evicted from a variety of places, especially holy sites (be they tended by Muslims, Jews or Christians). Get specific guidelines from locals when possible. Middle Eastern societies have many rules of etiquette regarding modest clothing - especially head coverings. This Muslim woman in United Arab Emirates wears a niqab, a variety of headscarf popular throughout the Middle East. • Regarding head attire specifically, the etiquette at many Muslim holy sites requires that a headscarf or some other modest head covering be worn. For

228l

Men's and Women's Clothes

•

•

•

•

•

•

women this might be a hijab and for men it might be a taqiyah (cap), turban, or keffiyeh. A yarmulke or other head covering is expected for men in synagogues and other places where Jews pray. Orthodox Christian sites might require the removal of hats by men but will expect woman to cover their hair with kerchief or veil. Among Muslims, the left hand is reserved for bodily hygiene and considered unclean. Thus, the right hand should be used for eating. Shaking hands or handing over an item with ..one's left hand is an insult. Public displays of affection between people of the opposite gender, including between married people, are frowned upon everywhere more conservative values hold sway. Public displays of affection include activities as minor as handholding. In many cases, people of the same gender holding hands while walking is considered an ordinary display of friendship without romantic connotations. In a related point, many people in the Middle East claim a more modest area of personal space than that which is usual elsewhere. Accordingly, it can seem rude for an individual to step away when another individual is stepping closer. In regard to vocal emphasis, volume and body language, people in the Middle East may communicate in ways which other people (such as English and Germans) reserve for when they are angry or upset. This should be kept in mind when analyzing the mood of a situation. Special respect is paid to older people in many circumstances. This can include standing when older people enter a room! always greeting older people before others present (even if they are

Men's and Warnell's Clothes

r229

better known to you), standing when speaking to one's elders and serving older people first at a meal table. Hospitality is held in high regard throughout the Middle East. Some hosts take pride in the laborious preparation of what is known in Europe as "Turkish coffee", grinding fresh-roasted coffee beans to a fine powder, dissolving sugar and carefully regulating the heat to produce a result that meets exacting standards. • Many people throughout the Middle East, especially Arabs, take great pride in shows of hospitality, never failing to at least serve coffee and a snack such as figs but preferring to present guests with a lavish choice of expensive delicacies in abundance. To refuse such hospitality can cause offense. • In some areas in the Middle East, it is common for people to take their food from a common plate in the centre of the table. Rather than employing forks or spoons, people may scoop up hummus and other foodstuff with pita bread. • In many Middle Eastern countries, grouping the thumb and fingers together, and shaking it up and down, fingers pointing upwards, indicates "wait". • In Iran, the "thumbs up" gesture is considered an offensive insult • Displaying the sole of one's foot or touching somebody with one's shoe is often considered rude. In some circumstances, shoes should be removed before entering a living room. • Many in the Middle East do not separate professional and personal life. Doing business revolves much more around personal relationships, family ties, trust and honour. There is a tendency to prioritise personal matters above all else. It is therefore crucial that business relationships are built on mutual friendship and trust.

•

Responding to an anger or seriousness with light laughter or a smile is common. This must not be seen as an indication that the other person is not taking you or the situation seriously. • A common custom in Iranian culture is 'tarof' which can be translated as 'offering', it is common for a person to not accept an offering (food, beverages etc.) the first or possibly second time, instead taking up the offer the third time, this traditionally implies dignity, self-respect and respect for the host. • Positioning yourself so your back is not facing another person is also a common Iranian custom. It would seem that some of our great clothing establishments, with an eye to our polyglot ancestry, have attempted to incorporate some feature of every European national costume into a "harmonious" whole, and have thus given us that abiding horror, the freak American suit, You will see it everywhere, on Broadway of every city and Main Street of every town, on the boardwalks and beaches of coast resorts, and even in remote farming villages. It comes up to hit you in the face year after year in all its amazing variations: waist-line under the arm pits, "trick" little belts, what-nots in the cuffs; trousers so narrow you fear they will burst before your eyes, pockets placed in every position, buttons clustered together in a tight little row or reduced to one. And the worst of it is, few of our younger men know any better until they go abroad and find their wardrobe a subject for jest and derision. If you would dress like a gentleman, you must do one of two things; either study the subject of a gentleman's wardrobe until you are competent to pick out good suits from freaks and direct your misguided tailor, or, at least until your perceptions are trained, go to an English one. This latter method is the easiest, and, by all odds, the safest. It is not Anglomania but plain common sense to admit that, just as the Rue de la Paix in Paris is the fountainhead of fashions

Mell's and Women's Clothes

f231

for women, Bond Street in London is the home of irreproachable clothes for men. And yet, curiously enough, just as a woman shopping in Paris can buy frightful clothes-or the most beautiful; a man can in America buy the worst clothes in the world - and the best. The ordinary run of English clothes may not be especially good, but they are, on the other hand, never bad; whereas American freak clothes are distortions like the reflections seen in the convex and concave mirrors of the amusement parks. But not even the leading tailors of Bond Street can excel the supremely good American tailorwhose clothes however are identical in every particular with those of London, and their right to be called "best" is for greater perfection of workmanship and fit. This last is a dangerous phrase; "fit" means perfect set and line, not plaster tightness. However, let us suppose that you are either young, or at least fairly young; that you have unquestioned social position, and that you are going to get yourself an entire wardrobe. Let us also suppose your money is not unlimited, so that it may also be seen where you may not, or may if necessary, economize. FORMAL EVENING CLOTHES

Your full dress is the last thing to economize on. It must be perfect in fit, cut and material, and this means a first-rate tailor. It must be made of a dull-faced worsted, either black or night blue, on no account of broadcloth. Aside from satin facing and collar, which can have lapels or be cut shawlshaped, and wide braid on the trousers, it must have no trimming whatever. . A void satin or velvet cuffs, moire neck ribbons and fancy coat buttons as you would the plague. Wear a plain white linen waistcoat, not one of cream colored silk, or figured or even black brocade. Have all your linen faultlessly cleanalways-and your tie of plain white lawn, tied so it will not only stay in place but look as though nothing short of a backward somersault could disarrange it.

~L_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _A1 __el_1'~s_al_1d__ ~~o~m_e_11~s_C~1~ot_h~es

Your handkerchief must be white; gloves (at opera or ball) white; flower in buttonhole (if any) white. If you are a normal size, you can in America buy inexpensive shirts, and white waistcoats that are above reproach, but if you are abnormally tall or otherwise an "out size" so that everything has to be "made to order," you will have to pay anywhere from double to four times as much for each article you put on. When you go out on the street, wear an English silk hat, not one of the taper crowned variety popular in the "movies." And wear it on your head, not on the back of your neck. Have your overcoat of plain black or dark blue material, for you must wear an overcoat with full dress even in summer. Use a plain white or black and white muffler. Colored ones are impossible. Wear white buckskin gloves if you can afford them; otherwise gray or khaki doeskin, and leave them in your overcoat pocket. Your stick should be of plain Malacca or other wood, with either a crooked or straight handle. The only ornamentation allowable is a plain silver or gold band, or top; but perfectly plain is best form. And lastly, wear patent leather pumps, shoes or ties, and plain black silk socks, and leave your rubbers-if you must wear them, in the coat room. THE TUXEDO

The Tuxedo, which is the essential evening dress of a gentleman, is simply the English dinner coat. It was first introduced in this country at the Tuxedo Club to provide something less formal than the swallow-tail, and the name has clung ever since. To a man who can not afford to get two suits of evening clothes, the Tuxedo is of greater importance. It is worn every evening and nearly everywhere, whereas the tail coat is necessary only at balls, formal dinners, and in a box at the opera. Tuxedo clothes are made of the same materials and differ from full dress ones in only three particulars: the cut

Men's and Women's Clothes

rm

of the coat, the braid on the trousers, and the use of a black tie instead of a white one. The dinner coat has no tails and is cut like a sack suit except that it is held closed in front by one button at the waist line. (A full dress coat, naturally, hangs open.) The lapels are satin faced, and the collar left in cloth, or if it is shawl-shaped the whole collar is of satin. The trousers are identical with full dress ones except that braid, if used at all, should be narrow. "Cuffed" trousers are not good form, nor should a dinner coat be double-breasted. Fancy ties are bad form. Choose a plain black silk or satin one. Wear a white waistcoat if you can afford the strain on your laundry bill, otherwise a plain black one. By no means wear a gray one nor a gray tie. The smartest hat for town wear is an opera, but a straw or felt which is proper in the country, is not out of place in town. Otherwise, in the street the accessories are the same as those already given under the previous heading. THE HOUSE SUIT

The house suit is an extravagance that may be avoided, and an "old" Tuxedo suit worn instead. A gentleman is always supposed to change his clothes for dinner, whether he is going out or dining at horne alone or with his family, and for this latter occasion some inspired person evolved the house, or lounge, suit, which is simply a dinner coat and trousers cut somewhat looser than ordinary evening ones, made of an all-silk or silk and wool fabric in some dark colour, and lined with either satin or sifl<. Nothing more comfortable-or luxurious-could be devised for sitting in a deep easy-chair after dinner, in a reclining position that is ruinous to best evening clothes. Its purpose is really to save wear on evening clothes, and to avoid some of their discomfort also, because they can not be given hard or careless usage and long survive. A house suit is distinctly what the name implies, and is not an

~~______________________~N1~en~'~s~al~ld~~~o~m~e~n~'s~C~l~ot~h~es~

appropriate garment to wear out for dinner or to receive any but intimate guests in at home. The accessories are a pleated shirt, with turndown stiff collar, and black bow tie, or even an unstarched shirt with collar attached (white of course). The coat is made with two buttons instead of one, because no waistcoat is worn with it. FORMAL AFTERNOON DRESS

Formal afterno0n dress consists of a black cutaway coat with white pique or black cloth waistcoat, and gray-andblack striped trousers. The coat may be bound with braid, or, even in better taste, plain. A satin-faced lapel is not conservative on a cutaway, but it is the correct facing ·for the more formal (and elderly) frock coat. Either a cutaway or a frock coat is always accompanied by a silk hat, and best worn with plain black waistcoat and a black bow tie or a black and white four-in-hand tie. A gray silk ascot worn with the frock coat is. supposed to be the correct wedding garment of the bride's father. Shoes may be patent leather, although black calf-skin . are at present the fashion, either with or without spats. If with spats, be sure that they fit close; nothing is worse than a wrinkled spat or one that sticks out over the instep like the opened bill of a duck! Though gray cutaway suits and gray top hats have always been worn to the races in England, they do not seem suitable here, as races in America are not such full-dress occasions as in France and England. But at a spring wedding or other formal occasions a sand-colored double-breasted linen waistcoat with spats and bow tie to match looks very well with a black cutaway and almost black trousers, on a man who is young. THE BUSINESS SUIT

The business suit or three-piece sack is made or marred by its cut alone. It is supposed to be an every-day inconspicuous garment and should be. A few rules to foHow

Men's and Women's Clothes

rns-

are: Don't choose striking patterns of materials; suitable woolen stuffs come in endless variety, and any which look plain at a short distance are "safe," though they may show a mixture of colors or pattern when viewed closely. Don't get too light a blue, too bright a green, or anything'suggesting a horse blanket. At the present moment trousers are made with a cuff; sleeves are not. Lapels are moderately small. Padded shoulders are an abomination. Peg-topped trousers equally bad. If you must be eccentric, save your efforts for the next fancy dress ball, where you may wear what you please, but in your business clothing be reasonable. Above everything, don't wear white socks, and don't cover yourself with chains, fobs, scarf pins, lodge emblems, etc., and don't wear "horsey" shirts and neckties. You will only make a bad impression on everyone you meet. The clothes of a gentleman are always conservative; and it is safe to avoid everything that can possibly come under the heading of "novelty." JEWELRY

In your jewelry let diamonds be conspicuous by their absence. Nothing is more vulgar than a display of "ice" on a man's shirt front, or on his fingers. There is a good deal of jewelry that a gentleman may be allowed to wear, but it must be chosen with discrimination. Pearl shirt-studs (real ones) are correct for full dress only, and not to be worn with a dinner coat unless they are so small as to be entirely inconspicuous. Otherwise you may wear enamel studs (that look like white linen) or black onyx with a rim of platinum, or with a very inconspicuous pattern in diamond chips, but so tiny that they can not be told from a threadlike design in platinum-or others equally moderate. Waistcoat buttons, studs and cuff links, worn in sets, is an American custom that is permissible. Both waistcoat buttons and cuff links may be jewelled and valuable, but

~~_______________________10~en_'~s~an~d~~~o~n~le~l1~~~C~I~ot~h~es

they must not have big precious stones or be conspicuous. A watch chain should be. very thin and a man's ring is usually a seal ring of plain gold or a dark stone. If a man wears a jewel at all it should be sunk into a plain "gypsy hoop" setting that has no ornamentation, and worn on his "little," not his third, finger. IN THE COUNTRY

Gay-colored socks and ties are quite appropriate with flannels or golf tweeds. Only in your riding clothes you must again be conservative. If you can get boots built on English lines, wear them; otherwise wear leggings. And remember that all leather must be real leather in the first place and polished until its surface is like glass. Have your breeches fit you. The coat is less important, in fact, any odd coat will do. Your legs are the cynosure of attention in riding. Most men in the country wear knickerbockers with golf stockings, with a sack or a belted or a semi-belted coat, and in any variety of homespuns or tweeds or rough worsted materials. Or they wear long trousered flannels. Coats are of the polo or ulster variety. For golf or tennis many men wear sweater coats. Shirts are of cheviot or silk or flannel, all with soft collars attached and to match. The main thing is to dress appropriately. If you are going to play golf, wear golf clothes; if tennis, wear flannels. Do not wear a yachting cap ashore unless you are living on board a yacht. White woolen socks are correct with white buckskin shoes in the country, but not in town. If some semi-formal occasion comes up, such as a country tea, the time-worn conservative blue coat with white flannel trousers is perennially good. OTHER HINTS

The well-dressed man is always a paradox. He must look as though he gave his clothes no thought and as though literally they grew on him like a dog's fur, and yet he must

Men's and Womcn's Clothcs

r237

be perfectly groomed. He must be close-shaved and have his hair cut and his nails in good order (not too polished). His linen must always be immaculate, his clothes "in press," his shoes perfectly "done." His brown shoes must shine like old mahogany, and his white buckskin must be whitened and polished like a prize buJI terrier at a bench show. Ties and socks and handkerchief may go together, but too perfect a match betrays an effort for "effect" which is always bad. The well-dressed man never wears the same suit or the same pair of shoes two days running. He may have only two suits, but he wears them alternately; if he has four suits he should wear each every fourth day. The longer time they have "to recover" their shape, the better. WHAT TO WEAR ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS

The appropriate clothes for various occasions are given below. If ever in doubt what to wear, the best rule is· to err on the side of informality. Thus, if you are not sure whether to put on your dress suit or your Tuxedo, wear the latter. Full dress: • At the opera. • At an evening wedding. • At a dinner to which the invitations are worded in the third person. • At a ball, or formal evening entertainment. • At certain State functions on the Continent of Europe in broad daylight. Tuxedo: • At the theater. • At most dinners. • At informal parties. • Dining at home. • Dining in a restaurant. A Cutaway Or Frock Coat With Striped Trollsers: • At a noon or afternoon wedding. • On Sunday for church (in the city).

~L______________________~~~e~ll~'s~a~l1~d~VV~o~m~el~z'~s~C~lo~t~he=-s

• At any formal daytime function. • In England to business. • As usher at a wedding. • As pall-bearer. Business Suits: • All informal daytime occasions. • Traveling. • The coat of a blue suit with white flannel or duck trousers for a lunch, or to church, in the country. • A blue or black sack suit will do in place of a cutaway at a wedding, but not if you are the groom or an usher. Country Cloths: • Only in the country. To wear odd tweed coats and flannel trousers in town is not only inappropriate, but bad taste. CLOTHES FOR ADOLESCENTS

To adolescents, clothes serve a wide variety of functions. Adolescents use clothing to express themselves and to obtain social approval. It is also part of their selfimage and a means to declare their self-importance. Further, clothing is a key way to identify with and compare oneself to peers. Of all age groups, adolescents are most likely to devote a disproportionate amount of time and attention to clothing and appearance. Why is this so? Adolescents are extraordinarily sensitive to the opinions of their peers. Generally, they want to be accepted and belong to a group. Physical appearance is an integral part of this process. Adolescents worry constantly about their physical appearance. It is not uncommon for the tiniest detail to become a major concern. So, while the eight-year-old younger brother may dress quickly and run out the door, the sixteen-year-old older brother takes the time to select just the right clothing. And, he may carry a comb to ensure that his hair remains exactly where it should throughout the day.

Men's a/1d Women's Clothes

~

Still, while adolescents want to belong, they also have a strong desire to assert some form of individuality and independence. So clothing may well be used to demonstrate one's own unique personality. Yet, the line between conforming to some dress code and asserting_one's own desires is rather thin. And, when a teen is taunted or ridiculed for some clothing "error," the pain may be quite profound. How do teens decide what to wear? Unlike adults who may turn to the Paris fashion shows, teens look to kindred souls. Of course, teens see what their peers wear. But, they also read magazines, primarily those directed at teens such as Teen People, Teen Vogue and CosmoGIRL!. And they observe what the characters in television programs and media advertisements are wearing. Further, they note the clothing worn by entertainers and pop musicians such as Britney Spears. There is even a store, Hot Topic that sells clothing and accessories that are based on popular music and its gothic themes. And teens are inundated by catalogs specifically directed to them. All the models are teens or near teens, and the clothing is designed to meet their needs. It is not uncommon for teens to spend hours perusing through clothing catalogs. And what teens "wear" extends beyond their actual clothing. Teens and their parents are spending money on such items as knapsacks and cell phones. As with clothing, some styles and brands are considered more socially acceptable than others. Increasingly, teens, rather than their parents, are deciding what they will wear. First, it makes no sense to spend money for clothing that will never be worn. Parents who insist that they select their teen's clothing should not be surprised if the items are never used. Also, with a bustling job market, after school jobs are easy to obtain. Teens are able to earn the money they need to purchase the clothing they want. Sometimes they are paid

241nL______________________~A1~el~l'~s~al~ld~~~O~ln~e~Il~'s~C~I~ot~h~ ~ for household chores. But, stressed out parents, who are working more than ever, are also indulging their childrenfar more so than any, previous generation, and they have little time to micromanage their child's shopping. Still, it is not at all uncommon for parents an~ teens to disagree on what type of clothing teens should wear. Parents often think that their children are wearing clothes that are too tight, too loose, too short, too skimpy or too baggy. Why in the world would a male teen want his pants to hang halfway down his rear end? And how can that teen female breathe wearing pants that seem at least two sizes too tight. Teens frequently deem their parents old-fashioned and out of touch with the real world. And, parents are often shocked at how many the clothing costs. More than one hundred dollars for a pair of sneakers that might be too small in a few months sounds outrageous. Why pay eighty dollars for a pair of jeans, when there is a perfectly adequate pair-albeit from a different brand-that is half the price? Some schools have dress codes. For example, schools may place limits on the length of short shorts. In those cases, school officials measure the length of shorts, and the students who exceed the limits may be faced with disciplinary action. Teens tend to patronize certain stores. In response, there have emerged a growing number of specialty stores that cater to teens. The names Old Navy, the Gap, Banana Republic, Abercrombie & Fifch and J. Crew are well known to most teens. There are hundreds of these stores located at malls and shopping centers throughout the U.S. Studies have shown that teens favour these over department stores, and they often shop there in groups. Teens also shop online. Though devoid of the social elements provided by an afternoon of shopping at the mall, shopping online is convenient and quick, espeCially since today's teens are very comfortable with computers. They have been using them since early childhood. When

Men's and Women's Clothes

[241

discussing teen clothing, there are some serious healthrelated issues to consider. Sometimes, teens that are losing weight from an eating disorder, wear several layers of oversized clothing. Obviously, they are trying to mask their significant weight loss from their parents and peers. Or teens may wear too little clothing. Often, teens can be seen standing outside in truly freezing cold weather without even wearing a jacket. It is never a good idea to stand outside in the cold for a prolonged period of time without adequate attire. It is also not desirable to wear clothing that is too tight. In females that may foster an environment that encourages a vaginal infection; in males, it could result in jock itch. Perhaps one of the scariest elements of teen clothing is the fact that in a number of settings teens that wear clothing of certain colors may be assumed to be members of a rival gang. As such, they become the enemy - a person who should be attacked or killed. Non-gang teens that happen to wear the wrong colour clothing have been injured or murdered. Afraid to be identified with any gang, some teens refuse to wear any colors and dress entirely in black. And, though, police officers maintain that they do not typecast, one cannot help but wonder if they would be more likely to pay close attention to teens that wear certain types of clothing. Thus, a teen wearing a simple turtleneck sweater and pair of pants would probably draw far less attention than one wearing a tight, short leather skirt with a miniscule halter-top. Concert etiquette refers to a set of social norms of people who attend musical performances. These norms vary depending on the type of music performance and can be stringent or informal. WESTERN CLASSICAL MUSIC

Concert etiquette is particularly strong at concerts featuring music from the Classical tradition, especially those featuring an unamplified orchestra. Such audiences have corne to expect quiet, and disapprove of fellow members

~L________________________A1~el_I~'s~a~n_d_~_O_I_n~el_1'~s~C~lo~t_he~s

making any kind of noise louder than light breathing. Unavoidable noise such as coughs or sneezes should be delayed until a loud passage if possible, and muffled with a handkerchief, which is most effective placed at the inner elbow joint with the entire arm then pressed over the mouth. Mobile phones and pagers should be turned-off for the duration of the concert. Concert-goers are expected to arrive and take their seats before the performance commences. The audience waiting for a concert or opera to begin may talk freely until the end of the applause greeting the entrance of the conductor (or the concertmaster if the orchestra tunes on stage). Dress requirements have become less formal in recent decades, corresponding to a general ucasualisation" of Western social standards. Some expect that the audience will at least meet Usmart casual" standards, but some performance companies and theatres explicitly tell audiences to wear whatever makes them comfortable. Hats are not tolerated as they block the view of the stage. The convention of silence during performances developed late in the 19th century. Mozart expected that people would eat and talk over his music, particularly at dinner, and was delighted when his audience would clap during his symphonies. Mahler clamped down on claques paid to applaud a particular performer, and specified in the score of his Kindertotenlieder that its movements should not be punctuated by applause. Wagner discouraged what he considered distracting noises from his audience at Bayreuth in 1882. During the 20th century, applause even between movements of a symphony became regarded as a distraction from its momentum and unity, and is now considered a gaffe or faux pas, though usually tolerated as a well-meaning one; most audiences applaud after the third movement of the Tchaikovsky Sixth and conductors seem resigned to this fact. As most concert goers are considerate enough to restrain themselves while the musicians are playing, a rise

Men's and Women's Clothes

Iz43

in audience noise may be heard between movements, as people shift in their seats, stretch their legs, release pentup coughs, blow their noses, pass comments to their neighbours, and enter or leave the hall. The musicians will wait for this noise to die down before continuing the performance. Audience members who are too eager to applaud at the end of piece are sometimes resented, particularly in the case of a quiet finale such as Tchaikovsky's Pathetique Symphony. The conductor always signals the end of the performance by lowering his hands to his sides. Sometimes this is prolonged past the cutoff of the orchestra, with hands held in the air or slowly lowered over several seconds, in the hope of allowing the audience to stay joined with the artistic creation even for just a brief moment after its sounds have ceased. In Western opera a particularly impressive aria will often be applauded, even if the music is continuing. . Shouting is generally acceptable only during applause; almost always the word bravo (or brava in the case of a female singer, or bravi for a plural number of singers or the orchestra itself, though this distinction is not always made outside Italy). Both words have original senses of great and skillful but bravo has come to mean well done and is used even at the symphony. Shouting the French word encore (again) at the end of a concert is understood as request for more, but the French bis and Italian da capo (from the start) are obscure in English. Perhaps the most famous collapse of concert etiquette occurred at the premiere of Stravinsky's ballet The Rite of Spring in 1913. The music and violent dance steps depicting fertility rites drew catcalls and whistles from the crowd, soon followed by shouts and fistfights in the aisles. The unrest in the audience eventually degenerated into a riot. The Paris police arrived by intermission, but they restored only limited order. Chaos reigned for the remainder of the

Men's and Women's Clothes

performance, and Stravin2ky was so upset at the reception of his work that he fled the theater in mid-scene. ROCK CONCERTS

Concerts of rock music typically maintain more liberal norms. At concerts of hard rock, punk or metal, a mosh pit will often form in front of the stage, in which slam-dancing and the like may be performed, usually in an atmosphere of lively camaraderie and mutual assistance. Dancers who have fallen are helped up, and found items of clothing are held aloft to be reclaimed. (Dancing to live electronic music expands to moshing in certain genres.) In general, singing along may not be disapproved, especially during songs of an anthemic nature. Fans may shout or scream or whistle during songs, but not continuously. Male moshers are frequently shirtless, but total nudity is frowned upon. Heavy metal concerts also usually include head banging, fist pumping, stage diving, and crowd surfing. As many rock and metal concerts are held in standing room only clubs and concert halls, it is sometimes considered an insult to the band to sit during performances, particularly in heavy metal. Even in venues that provide seating, generally the audience will stand for the band's performance. Sometimes at rock concerts, lighters are held in the air to signal an encore or a power ballad. With the decline of smokers, the restrictions placed on carrying lighters during air travel, and the increase of cell phones in the early 21st century, cell phones are used in place of lighters. While this is generally frowned upon by older fans it is still becoming increasingly popular. JAZZ MUSIC

Jazz music is performed in many different settings and venues throughout the world. When jazz is performed in public places such as outdoor jazz festivals and indoor jazz

Men's and Women's Clothes

f245

clubs, quiet conversation is usually considered acceptable. When attending a jazz performance in an indoor concert setting, western classical concert etiquette is expected with one exception: it is considered well-mannered to applaud after each artist has completed their extended improvised solo. JAPAN

In Kabuki an expert audience member is frequently heard loudly yelling the name of an actor at a high point in his performance (kakegoe); this is widely appreciated when judiciously timed. At performances of Noh in Tokyo however, talking at any time inside the theatre is tacitly disapproved, but in rural Japan audiences "rather like those in Southeast Asia, talk, eat, or doze throughout the plays, or even throw money at actors they admire."

Chapter 13

Sports Manners We have all seen those beginner Golfers come to play a round on your favourite course or on a course you pay a good amount of money a year to be a member of. How do we notice them? Well their jeans and t-shirt can be a dead giveaway even before they generate a queue of unhappy golfers behind them on the first tee whilst they are all waiting impatiently for the beginner to hit the damn ball. Everyone has to start somewhere right? We have all been there at some stage, all be it a long time ago. Well the one tip I would offer any would be golfer is to get their apparel right. Wearing the correct attire for the golf course is an essential if you want to build rapport with the other players and respect the golfing etiquette. So the next question is what is the correct etiquette when it comes to golf clothing? T~OUSERS

I SHORTS

Cotton trousers or shorts are a must fqr any wannabe golfer. There are many kinds of designs from the conservative choice to something a little more outrageous. Trousers and shorts are used in golf over jeans and tracksuit bottoms, as they are not only more comfortable to play the sport in when compared to jeans, it is also classed as a gentleman's sport (and ladies) therefore is played in clothing to suit these ideals.

Sports Manners [247

SHIRT/ T-SHIRT

Again in order to look like a pro the best tops to wear are shirts or t-shirts (obviously a coat is fine in the rain and there is also a great range of golf jackets and umbrellas are also available). You will notice that again in the case of most golf clothes there are very few large brands on display. A small logo on the shirt, t-shirt or polo shirt is the norm. SHOES

There are a great range of gold shoes out there as trainers are not ideal footwear for the golf course. Gold shoes are usually studded in order to assist with the different conditions you may meet on the course as well as to assist you get the best out of your game. ACCESSORIES

For the keener golfer there are also many accessories you can choose from including a golf glove, golf caps, golf hats, umbrellas, socks, wrist bands and many more. Remember that golf not only requires lots of practice in order to become skilful at the game, it is also a psychological battle against your competitors and yourself. Purchasing the correct golf attire can help you feel more like a pro therefore can only assist in improving your game. The popularity of bridge whist began a quarter of a century ago with the older people and has increased slowly but steadily until it is sdrcely an exaggeration to say that those who do not play bridge, which means "auction," are seldom asked out. And the epidemic is just as widespread among girls and boys as among older people. Bridge is always taken seriously; a bumble puppy game won't do at all, even among the youngest players, and other qualifications of character and of etiquette must be observed by every one who would be sought after to "make up a four." PEOPLE CHARMING TO PLAY BRIDGE WITH

That no one likes a poor partner-or even a poor

~~______________________________~Sp~o_r_ts_M __al_11_1e_~_

opponent-goes without saying. The ideal partner is one who never criticises or even seems to be aware of your mistakes, but on the contrary recognizes a good maneuver on your part, and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose; whereas the inferior player is apt to judge you merely by what you win, and blame your "make" if you "go down," though your play may have been exceptionally good and the loss even occasioned by wrong information which he himself gave you. Also, to be continually found fault with makes you play your worst; whereas appreciation of good judgment on your part acts as a tonic and you play seemingly "better than you know how." PEOPLE DISLIKED AT THE BRIDGE TABLE

There is nothing which more quickly reveals the veneered gentleman than the card table, and his veneer melts equally with success or failure. Being carried away by the game, he forgets to keep on his company polish, and if he wins, he becomes grasping or overbearing, because of his" skill"; if he loses he sneers at the "luck" of others and seeks to justify himself for the same fault that he criticised a moment before in another. A trick that is annoying to moderately skilled players, is to have an over-confident opponent throw down his hand saying: "The rest of the tricks are mine!" and often succeed in "putting it over," when it is quite possible that they might not be his if the hand were played out. Knowing themselves to be poorer players, the others are apt not to question it, but they feel none the less that their "rights" have been taken from them. A rather trying partner is the nervous player, who has no confidence in his own judgment and will invariably pass a good hand in favour of his partner's bid. If, for instance, he has six perfectly good diamonds, he doesn't mention them because, his partner having declared a heart, he thinks to himself "Her hearts must be better than

Sports Manners

f249

my diamonds." But a much more serious failing- and one that is far more universal-is the habit of overbidding. OVERBIDDING

In poker you play alone and can therefore playas carefully or as foolishly as you please, but in bridge your partner has to suffer with you, and you therefore are in honour bound to play the best you know how-and the best you know how is as far as can possibly be from overbidding. Remember that your partner, if he is a good player, counts on you for certain definite cards that you announce by your bid to be in your hand, and raises you accordingly. If you have not these cards you ~ot only lose that particular hand, but destroy his confidence in you, and the next time when he has a legitimate raise for you, he will fail to give it. He disregards you entirely because he is afraid of you! You must study the rules for makes and never under any circumstances give your partner misinformation; this is the most vital rule there is, and anyone who disregards it is detested at the bridge table. No matter how great the temptation to make a gambler's bid, you are in honour bound to refrain. The next essential, if you would be thought "charming," is never to take your partner to task no matter how stupidly he may have "thrown the hand." DON'TS FOR THOSE WHO WOULD BE SOUGHT AFTER

Don't hold"post-mortem" on anybody's delinquencies (unless you are actually teaching). If luck is against you, it will avail nothing to sulk or complain about the "awful" cards you are holding. Your partner is suffering just as much in finding you a "poison vine" as you are in being one-and you can scarcely expect your opponents to be sympathetic. You must learn to look perfectly tranquil and cheerful even though you hold nothing but yarboroughs for days on end, and you must

~~_______________________________S~p_o_r_~_Nf __ an_n_e~~

on no account try to defend your own bad play-ever. When you have mad~ a play of poor judgment, the best thing you can say is, "I'm very sorry, partner," and let it go at that. Always pay clo~e attention to the game. When you are dummy you have certain duties to your partner, and so do not wander around the room until the hand is over. If you don't know what your duties are, read the rules until you know them by heart and then - begin all over again! It is impossible to play any game without a thorough knowledge of the laws that govern it, and you are at fault in making the attempt. Don't be offended if your partner takes you out of a bid, and don't take him out for the glory of playing the hand. He is quite as anxious to win the rubber . as you are. It is unbelievable how many people regard their partner as a third opponent. MANNERISMS AT THE CARD TABLE

Mannerisms must be avoided like the plague. If there is one thing worse than the horrible "post-mortem," it is the incessant repetition of some jarring habit by one particular player. The most usual and most offensive is that of snapping down a card as played, or bending a "trick" one has taken into a letter "D," or picking it up and trotting it up and down on the table. Other pet offenses are drumming on the table with one's fingers, making various clicking, whistling, or humming sounds, massaging one's face, scratching one's chin with the cards, or waving the card one is going to play aloft in the air in Smart Alec fashion as though shouting, "I know what you are going to lead! And my card is ready!" All mannerisms that attract attention are in the long run equally unpleasant-even unendurable to one's companions. Many people whose game is otherwise admirable are rarely asked to play because they have allowed some such silly and annoying habit to take its hold upon them.

Sports Manners ~ THE GOOD LOSER

The good loser makes it an invariable rule never to play for stakes that it will be inconvenient to lose. The neglect of this rule has been responsible for more "bad losers" than anything else, and needless to say a bad loser is about as welcome at a card table as rain at a picnic. Of course there are people who can take losses beyond their means with perfect cheerfulness and composure. Some few are so imbued with the gambler's instinct that a heavy turn of luck, in either direction, is the salt of life. But the average person is equally embarrassed in winning or lo:;ing a stake "that matters" and the only answer is to play for one that doesn't. GOLF

Golf is a particularly severe strain upon the amiability of the average person's temper, and in no other game, except bridge, is serenity of disposition so essential. No one easily "ruffled" can keep a clear eye on the ball, and exasperation at "lost balls" seemingly bewitches successive ones into disappearing with the completeness and finality of puffs of smoke. In a race or other test of endurance a flare of anger might even help, but in golf it is safe to say that he who loses his temper is pretty sure to lose the game. Golf players of course know the rules and observe them, but it quite often happens that idlers, having nothing better to do, walk out over a course and "watch the players." If they know the players well, that is one thing, but they have no right to follow strangers. A player who is nervous is easily put off his game, especially if those watching him are so ill-bred as to make audible remarks. Those playing matches of course expect an audience, and erratic and nervous players ought not to go into tourn,lments-or at least not in two-ball foursomes where they ,He likely to handicap a partner. In following a match, onloc·kers must be careful to stand well within bounds and neither talk nor

~L______________________________~S~p~o~rt~s~N1~a~n~n~e~~

laugh nor do anything that can possibly distract the attention of the players. The rule that you should not appoint yourself mentor holds good in golf as well as in bridge and every other game. Unless your advice is asked for, you should not instruct others how to hold their clubs or which ones to use, or how they ought to make the shot. A young woman must on no account expect the man she happens to be playing with to make her presents of golf-balls, or to caddy for her, nor must she allow him to provide her with a caddy. If she can't afford to hire one of her own, she must either carry her own clubs or not play golf. OTHER GAMES AND SPORTS

There are fixed rules for the playing of every gameand for proper conduct in every sport. The details of these rules must be studied in the "books of the game," learned from instructors, or acquired by experience. A small boy perhaps learns to fish or swim by himself, but he is taught by his father or a guide-at all events, some one-how and how not to hold a gun, cast a fly, or ride a horse. But apart from the technique of each sport, or the rules of each game, the etiquette or more correctly, the basic principles of good sportsmanship, are the same. In no sport or game can any favoritism or evasion of rules be allowed. Sport is based upon impersonal and indiscriminating fairness to everyone alike, or it is not "sport." And to be a good sportsman, one must be a stoic and never show rancor in defeat, or triumph in victory, or irritation, no matter what annoyance is encountered. One who can not help sulking, or explaining, or protesting when the loser, or exulting when the winner, has no right to take part in games and contests. "PLAYING THE GAME"

If you would be thought to play the game, meaning if you aspire to be a true sportsman, you must follow the rules

Sports Manners [253

of sportsmanship the world over: Never lose your temper. Play for the sake of playing rather than to win. Never stop in the middle of a tennis or golf match and complain of a lame ankle, especially if you are losing. Unless it is literally impossible for you to go on, you must stick it out. If you are a novice, don't ask an expert to play with you, especially as your partner. If he should ask you in spite of your shortcomings, maintain the humility proper to a beginner. If you are a woman, don't ape the ways and clothing of men. If you are· a man, don't take advantage of your superior strength to set a pace beyond the endurance of a woman opponent. And always give the opponent the benefit of the doubt! Nothing is more important to your standing as a sportsman, though it costs you the particular point in question. A true sportsman is always a cheerful loser, a quiet winner, with a very frank appreciation of the admirable traits in others, which he seeks to emulate, and his own shortcomings, which he tries to improve.

Chapter 14 -.:-ravel Etiquette Etiquette is especially important when you are away from home. We call it Travel Etiquette. You are an ambassador of your country or place of origin and need to convey a good impression of the place that you come from. So take a big smile with you. There are many modes of travel and they all have their own forms of etiquette to be observed. But if you are always kind and considerate towards everyone and do not put your own selfishness ahead of the rest you will do alright. The following will help you to more precisely practice travel etiquette in various situations. Observe local customs as far as possible, indeed, read up about the country or place you will be visiting before you leave home so that you do not come across as rude, arrogant or indifferent. Locals will be more helpful to a friendly person than to a scowling one. The exuberance of being on holiday should not allow your standards to slip. Because you can afford to travel does not make you superior to the locals. You may think you come from a better place, but better in what way? There can only be one best place and which place is that? There are many cultures and who can say which one is the best? The same goes for religion and customs and a whole load else. And, if the best of everything is back home why have you left it? In short, respect and appreciate the differences without denigrating the place you are at. Making disparaging

Travel Etiquette

f255

comments only shows up one's own superficiality. It spoils it for the others who may not necessarily agree with you but have better manners than to criticise. So create a mindset of caring and sharing with everyone you will meet on your travels and Bon Voyage. There is lots more to share with you about travel etiquette so use this to save this page for future reference or to share it with your friends .

• ••